start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1345243116 | 1345257191 | t3_yeg6m | t5_2to41 | 33 | UndBeebs: TIFU by accidentally fucking up stage lights in a
local school's production and causing it to be
postponed at very short notice (an hour away from
performance)
My little cousin had a school band show I visited today and they've got the normal stage setup and such, curtains, lights, several speakers lining the top of the ceiling, and a sound(and lights)-booth in the back next to the entrance. So I got there fairly early (about an hour and a half) and sat around talking to people around me and decided to go to the bathroom. On my way out, i tripped on a cord that was taped to the floor in front of the door and I figured it was alright, other than my rather embarrassing slip/faceplant into the door. Anyway, when I got back in, there were 6 people gathered around this one controller box in the booth with a puzzled look on their faces and had the main house-lights on (florescent strips). I looked down at the cord i had tripped over a few minutes back and traced it to a ripped part that was just beside the booth. I took a closer look and saw it had been completely separated, then hoped they would find a way to fix it and sat back down in my seat, acting like nothing happened. About 10-15 minutes passed and a man walked on the stage and apologized that they had to postpone the entire event due to stage lights not cooperating. And that's about it.
TL;DR: went to a highschool band concert, went to take a piss, fucked up stage lights/entire show for another week.
eosha: Speaking as a former sound/light tech, any wiring plan where you have to tape down cable across a busy walkway is a bad plan. [Yellowjackets](http://www.yjams.com/), man.
Not your fault, you can justifiably blame the techies.
UndBeebs: Thanks for the comfort, Eosha. I've got a loud conscience so this has probably made me feel worse than I really should. But hey, coming from a former sound/light tech, that's pretty reassuring.
eosha: At the very least, if you MUST have a bare cable running across an aisle you tape the hell out of every inch of it so that there is NO chance of an inadvertent trip screwing things up.
If you didn't trip over it, someone else would have.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1345254469 | 1345314304 | t3_yeq4j | t5_2to41 | 99 | ArchonofFail: TIFU by having a bad shit in my pants in the middle of the city. (mildly NSFW)
Warning, wall of text incoming.
Some context on me. I take the bus, which takes about an hour, to a place I volunteer at and just finished my last day. I hadn't been feeling good all day and felt like I was going to have to take a shit. I went over to the bathroom at my work place before I left and tried to get it out, but all that came was a few farts. Thinking I was ok, although I still wasn't feeling good, I headed to the bus stop and sat down with my book to wait for the bus. After about 10 minutes I realized I was starting to feel worst and felt like I needed to go again. I thought I would be fine since it was nothing before and waited a while, but it got worse and I decided to try to go to the library where I knew there was a bathroom I could use. On the way it got worse and I knew I was going to shit my pants. I decided I would have to let it go and hope it wouldn't be small and I would be able to drop it in the toilet or something. Unfortionately for me I couldn't have been more wrong, it kept coming and I felt my underwear fill with shit and realized I had to get my underwear off and started panicking. So I got behind some bushes and took off everything except my shirt. At this point I was freaking out, trying to decide what to do, I ended up trying to clean myself up as much as I could with my underwear, put on my pants and sandals, and left my underwear. During all of this, several people walked down the path I was on, luckily none of them looked into the bushed. Anyways, I started walking towards the library trying to avoid people as much as possible. I finally got into the library and went straight to the bathroom where I locked myself in a stall and tried to clean up. I sat down and finished my shit and cleaned myself up as much as I could with toilet paper but I realized there was a bit on the bottom of my pant leg, luckily I was able to mostly wash it off, but it still smelled a little bit. At this point I was wondering how I was going to get home since I missed my normal bus. Luckily for me as I got to the bus station the next bus had come so I hopped on, paid my money, and walked to the back of the bus and sat down hoping no one would come sit near me. Luckily I got home just fine, changed and went on with my day, but what was a nice final day volunteering before school turned into the biggest fuck up of my life.
TL:DR: Shit myself in the middle of the city, had to ditch my underwear and run to the nearby library, clean my self up, get on a bus, and go home.
[deleted]: Seriously now, am I the only person on Reddit that HASN'T shit themselves?
Chakote: Yes.
RafTheKillJoy: What? No I didn't! I don't know what you're talking about.
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1345272895 | 1345308931 | t3_yf43g | t5_2to41 | 54 | redditorkane: TIFU with my bestfriend's sister
Yes, probably not the best decision going out with my bestfriend's sister but he was fine with it and everything was going great. As always the relationship ran its course and he seemed alright with our break up but he is unaware that I slept with her. Today when I was with him he kept making jokes about my "virginity", does anyone have any advice to share for my situation?
ngmcs8203: How is this a fuck up? You slept with her. Be an adult and move on. If he's making fun of your virginity chances are he is too. Her boobs felt like bags of sand, didn't they?
Britches_and_Hose: He fucked his best friend's sister. **His best friend's sister**
ngmcs8203: And? I don't remember that ever being a faux pas. Is she a Capulet or something?
Britches_and_Hose: http://i.imgur.com/XjeR3.jpg
alienware: ...I don't get it either, should this be something negative?
thegundamx: Really? Do they not teach Shakespeare in high school anymore?
[deleted]: They do, but only in the "advanced" classes. The regular courses don't teach you anything of value
alienware: Yes, yes, I get the Romeo & Juliet reference, not the actual TIFU.
| 9 | 6 | |
1345271898 | 1345276511 | t3_yf3iv | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU By filming in the mode Forge for my Machinima instead of Custom Games in Halo.
**Context:** A machinima is a cinema that uses video games as the film and the rest.
Now the video game I've used was Halo; there are 2 different modes called Forge which could edit the map, so what I have done was edit the map to place markers for my actors to move around and such. Now I've thought it wouldn't show up when replaying the "game" I've just played in "theatre mode" (a mode that replays the game obviously and you can change camera angles and such). So I've kept on going on with this belief until some of my friends point it out; none have done anything big and I disregarded them for that.
So I've been filming my "actors" in the video game for like 6 hours today and about 3 hours yesterday. At the end today; I've decided to replay and I've noticed the markers. I was so torn up... not only if I want to continue to finish this I would have to get everybody back and redo the shots and everything. However, it will be much harder without any markers to direct people... mind that getting people would be so difficult due to scheduling and such. It was such an annoying process because of people not prioritizing the meetings and being a bunch of pricks for being late and not showing up at all...
Now remember that I have to organize everything and such; also the markers I've placed in Forge took me hours to complete. So now that's all in the drain... and if I want to complete it to my satisfaction I would have to put in about another 12 hours+ again... that ain't fun and I feel like giving up straight away...
This was suppose to be done in Custom Games initially to prevent any markers to be shown; and such.
NOTE - Basically I had to deal with annoying people who disregards schedules and meetings; also trying to organize everything to get certain actors online and to film with me... that is so gruesome.
Basically imagine working on something for extreme hours of time and imagine all of that work was useless/can't be used due to some factor. That's what's happening.
**TL;DR** Puts in about 12+ hours of time into filming, and organizing; all the footage is basically useless and have to restart everything to continue the film properly.
the_light_knight: this isnt a fuck up
[deleted]: Why is that then? Enlighten me the definition of "a fuck up."
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1345301587 | 1345326869 | t3_yfgq9 | t5_2to41 | 238 | Misterbert: TIFU by trying to catch boiling water with my bare hands at work when the pan slipped. It didn't work.
sexychippy: I sliced my finger down to the bone, through the fingernail on the fucking MICROWAVE.
Misterbert: Jesus titty-fucking Christ. I'm starting to regret posting this. O_O
How did you manage to do that?
sexychippy: Was simply wiping down the countertops with a sponge. Went under the microwave a bit and out came little finger, cut and bleeding. Must have been a jagged edge under there. Didn't feel it until it started GUSHING blood. Bled for about three days. Nail came off. Looks fine now. Cleaning is dangerous. Don't do it.
[deleted]: My worst ever cut came from a burr in the welding on a prep table. It cut through the towel I was using and everything.
sexychippy: Fucking prep tables! Wait, I'm guessing you mean a different kind of prep table than I do. You mean the kind you prep food on, right? Well, I immediately thought of the prep tables we use in surgery. Those suck, too. And poorly-welded ring stands.
[deleted]: Kitchen prep tables are stainless steel with edges that are rolled under, I'd imagine they are pretty similar.
| 7 | 34 | |
1345305126 | 1345341470 | t3_yfjb6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Seekerofshadows: tifu by being an accidental bear grylls
When I went to take a shower I grabbed my soap and put it on my hair, I looked back at the bottle thinking it may have been the papaya one that I'm allergic to but before I could look it slipped out of my hands and onto the floor. I went to pick it up and started to piss all over the shower so I pissed in my face and almost puked all over the shower. I sincerely fucked up today
chlamydiadarling: This didn't happen, did it?
Seekerofshadows: I swear my soul it did
chlamydiadarling: You spontaneously piss often, then?
Seekerofshadows: No not spontaneously I dont piss in my face on purpose
chlamydiadarling: Your story suggests otherwise.
Seekerofshadows: Whatever I pissed in my face I fucked up now fuck off
chlamydiadarling: I just don't get how you suddenly started pissing as you were bending over in the shower, how does that happen?
| 8 | 0.875 | |
1345311193 | 1345364052 | t3_yfo8w | t5_2to41 | 23 | Whatthebloodyhell: Reddit, TIFU and put my most prized possession, a 20-year-old teddy bear, through the washing machine on a hot wash.
rya11111: removed. violation of rule 1. Please dont put "reddit" or anything befor e the "TIFU". Sorry abt that but feel free to post again and i am glad the bear is okay :)
Whatthebloodyhell: Ok, sorry!
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1345313011 | 1345421060 | t3_yfpog | t5_2to41 | 22 | HastaLaMuerte: TIFU by thinking I was a smart little girl running down the stairs.
I went to go grab the mail and the stairs have two steps that turn to the right. I thought I could skip one and be fine, like I always do. Nope, somehow mis-stepped, rolled my ankle, and heard it crack. I got up, making sure not to put weight on it, started whimpering because it hit me that I might not be able to walk back and I didn't have my phone. Luckily it's not broken and I was able to hobble my way back before the pain really set in.
Update: I've concluded that it's sprained. I can walk on it with only a little pain. It's bruised and most of the swelling has gone down.
[deleted]: Any update on the pain?
HastaLaMuerte: I just woke up from a nap. I can, for the most part, move my foot. Still unable to put any weight on it.
Rysdad: (X-ray guy here) The mobility of your foot has nothing to do with determining if it's broken or sprained. Go get an x-ray.
HastaLaMuerte: Even if I'm basically walking normally today with little to no pain? I figured if it doesn't get any better by like Tuesday I'll go in. So far it's been getting better. I just don't want to pay for an x-ray and have it be nothing.
Rysdad: If you're back to normal, you're probably OK. I was just making the point that being able to move your foot/toes doesn't relate at all to whether something is broken or sprained. Any ER doc will tell you this. And, I've seen people with sprains in wheelchairs--unable to bear any weight at all-- while people with breaks have walked in on their own. Also remember that all free medical advice you receive on the internet is worth exactly what you paid for it.
HastaLaMuerte: Of course! My mom is a nuse (I know, docs bitch haha) she's keeping an eye on it. I've got it wrapped in an ACE bandage just for extra support.
Rysdad: Next time, remember RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation), and good luck to ya.
HastaLaMuerte: RICE RICE BABY.
I used to play Roller Derby and that might have been the one thing they made sure was drilled into your head haha.
| 9 | 2.444444 | |
1345326882 | 1345328630 | t3_yg1cq | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIL: By shaving my balls drunk
I was about to see a girl I have not seen for awhile, and I was worried about my maintenance down there. So in a drunken rush I attempted to shave them, lets just say it wasn't pretty.
sathka: Were you drunk when you wrote "TIL" instead of "TIFU" in the headline?
Mase12: Fuck me right?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1345324634 | 1345474868 | t3_yfzgc | t5_2to41 | 1,119 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting at the table I was taking an order from and blaming their baby.
Waiter/bartender here. I passed serious gas that I couldn't hold anylonger at a table that took FOREVER to tell me what they wanted to eat. It made a slight noise and the father noticed, but said nothing. As the horribleness crept to the mothers nose she said something about it.... Not thinking at all i said "I think it was your baby" and the father objected that he heard me fart. I was speechless as I was stuck in this very awkward moment. The mother broke the silence with "I know what my baby's farts smell like and that is not it. This smells like dead animals" they complained when they left and i got reamed out by my manager.
God I can't wait to finish school and get out of this hell hole.
TheBiles: Hey, fuck that family. Who complains because their waiter farts?
[deleted]: I guess they felt I insulted their child. They were a weird family anyway.
[deleted]: Uhh you did lie to them. At the expense of their baby. I'm sure you gave them the impression you thought they were stupid by telling a lie like that. The dad heard you fart and then decided not to react. Then you blame it on his baby. Funny story, but your perspective on it is very narrow.
The whole sequence of events is ridiculous unprofessional on your part.
Icharus: yeah right dude. nobody cares if baby rips. it's like, shit, he didn't know any better. the waiter might have had a bad day, or maybe he's got worms or something up there. you don't know. the depth of one man's plight cannot be ascertained in a single moment. the family should've been like, "yeah that baby needs to stop drinking whiskey" and they would have still gotten the message across and it would have been more joking and less awkward. I always hate when people skirt around an issue but this is one of the only times I've felt direct confrontation is a lame way to go. just blame it on the baby, even in a half-assed "i still know you did it" kind of way, and have a laugh about it.
[deleted]: First let me establish that I have waited tables, in case that is an issue (have you?). A waiter's job isn't to be a comedian or a buddy. If the waiter has an embarrassing little moment it's not the guest's responsibility to make him/her feel better about it. It's certainly a nice thing to do, but when the waiter immediately blames the baby... Well, they might not feel so inclined to go out of their way to be nice. I mean blaming the baby is funny to hear about. But in real life, that's just a fucking weird thing for a waiter to do.
(This next part is more theoretical and not directly related to this specific situation, but you used a phrase I hate. I really don't think the phrase even applies to his situation, so I'll attack it separately.
Also "the waiter may have had a bad day". I hate that shit. The waiter has a fucking job. His responsibility is to his table. It is not his guest's responsibility to bear the burden of his shitty day. Waiters use this excuse way too often. They're there to do a job. If they have circumstances that don't allow them to conduct themselves in a professional manner then they don't need to be working.
In case you're wondering how much I tip it's pretty much always 20% or more. Even if they seem a little off, I, as the guest, can say "Ok, maybe he's having a bad day" and tip as though he were perfect. That's a great thing for the guest to say/think. But when it's a waiter's defense, then he needs to slow his roll and either focus on his job, take a break or just accept that maybe if his performance is suffering then he deserves critical comments and poor tips.
[deleted]: If my waiter or waitress had the same attitude you do about your job, I would find everyone that you wait on, and force them not to tip you just so you loose everything you own, and your job. Fuck people liek you that take every single thing so seriously. Your a fucking waiter, not the SS protecting the god forsaken President.
[deleted]: lol wow. I don't know how that inspired such an impassioned reply. It's just a general mindset to have. You can have fun at your job and still be dedicated. But it's not the responsibility of your guest. I haven't been a waiter for over two years. I'm just addressing the sense of entitlement that some waiters have. So... Yeah... I hope you continue having a great day :) And I'll continue taking things way too seriously, while you continue hating me for it :) (And in what world did the SS ever protect the president?)
[deleted]: lol, secret service, not other SS. Anyways, it just pisses me off when me and the wife go somewhere only to have this die hard waiter who looks like he has a stick up his ass wait on us. The service is killer, and i tip him, I just dont like the general mindset that "im just anotjer customer who will tip". I tip more to the person that might make a mistake or two, but has a personality and is friendly, and outgoing. I cant stand the die hards i guess.
[deleted]: Ok, well I think we misunderstood each other all around then. I never came across as a waiter with a stick up his ass and I'm not saying any waiter should. I just think a waiter should take his job seriously in the sense that, if they have a bad day in their personal life, they set that aside when they come in and they don't use it as a crutch and expect customers to cut them slack because of their bad day. Of course it's nice when a customer cuts a waiter slack, for a waiter to expect it and to blame the customers at the end of the day when things don't go well is generally wrong. And yes, I was thinking the SchutzStaffel type of SS.
narwhalsalesman: >I never came across as a waiter with a stick up his ass
In this thread...yeah, you did.
[deleted]: Fair enough. When at the table with the customers, I never came across as a waiter with a stick up his ass.
| 12 | 93.25 | |
1345325540 | 1345333262 | t3_yg09e | t5_2to41 | 37 | Caitlyn_: TIFU by cutting jalapenos
Let me just say, before I start, that I'm not the best at writing.
So, I got home today from Oklahoma, and felt *very* hungry, so I decided to have some jalapenos and other spicy stuff to eat, I walk in the kitchen and start cutting, too tired to remember to put gloves on, so as I'm cutting the jalapenos for my fabulous dish, I decide that it was a good idea to rub my eyes because I was tired, so my tired, moronic self rubs her eyes.
This is where the fuck up begins.
As I'm trying to wash my eyes out, I still try to cut the jalapenos, and because I can't see, I cut both my index and middle finger and drop the knife on my shoe, cutting it, so as I'm already in a lot of pain, I slip and fall onto the floor, and stay there for a couple seconds until my roommate shows up.
tl;dr: Wanted food, instead cut my fingers and shoe, got jalapeno shit in my eye, and slipped onto the floor.
NightRedditor: Yakety sax...was it playing in the background?
Caitlyn_: Sadly, no.
NightRedditor: Poor thing, I know that feel...have a couple upvotes for your pain.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1345324286 | 1345359693 | t3_yfz4u | t5_2to41 | 6 | dirge702: TIFU by ordering two LCD replacements instead of one.
I work for a small business computer repair store. I had to order a LCD for a customer's computer. To make a long story short, I accidentally ordered 2 LCD screens instead of one and I can't cancel the order. How f'd up do you guys think I am?
Oh, and the lcd's are 100 bucks a pop.
beigebox: That's not so bad. Can you do anything with the second one?
dirge702: There's the other problem, it's for a specific 11 inch laptop, and we don't sell any of those laptops here. So basically unless another customer brings in that specific kind of system we can't use it. So I've basically screwed the company out 100 bucks.
thedeaddogsbollocks: at least its not your money
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1345328368 | 1345795432 | t3_yg2ni | t5_2to41 | 48 | ShutThatShitUp: TIFU and hit my girlfriend's mom in the face.
Today my girlfriend took me to her parents house to meet them after being with her for 3 years. Her family is big into soccer so we were hitting the ball around in the backyard. I tried to kick it way across the yard and just as I was my gf's mom turned around and got sucker punched in the face with the ball. I gave her a black eye. I apologized repeatedly. I felt so terrible.
MindlessJamiroca: You only met her parents after being with her three years? How come?
ShutThatShitUp: I honestly have no idea why.
[deleted]: Based on your posts here, because you're a giant fucking cunt.
Random_Fact_Man: Brb, making throwaways to upvote you many times
[deleted]: god, you did it :O
| 6 | 8 | |
1345342899 | 1345398627 | t3_ygefm | t5_2to41 | 45 | Topsis: TIFU by blacking out at a concert and getting arrested.
Yesterday, me and my friend snuck into a concert with a whole lot of alcohol, and I ended up getting a little bit too smashed. The combination of a half bottle of warm vodka and an empty stomach made me black out real hard. The first thing I remember is getting pinned to the concrete by a very large security guard. I spent the rest of the concert in the back of a police van, and the rest of the night nursing my numerous scratches and trying not to puke all over the drunk tank.
I think the worst part of the experience was having the hangover slowly creep up on me while I sat around in the cell and made small talk with all the other drunk folk. I thought I'd feel better as the night went on, but I just got less drunk and more nauseated till I felt like something was doing the Macarena half way through my digestive tract.
Having my dad pick me up from prison in the morning wasn't all that fun either. Needless to say though, I won't be drinking again for a long while.
TIFU
workin2hard: "Needless to say though, I won't be drinking again for a long while."
Bullshit - I give it less than a week.
In fact, it'll make an awesome story next time you're out drinking!
Head over to /r/drunk for some support!
truestoryrealtalk: Or if you feel like stepping it up a level check out /r/cripplingalcoholism
Topsis: Already subscribed. :)
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1345349422 | 1345388085 | t3_ygjnq | t5_2to41 | 26 | immalittlepiggy: TIFU and tried to kiss my best friend/crush...who has a bf.
And now I have no idea what to say to her. help?
Misterbert: It was a slip-up, in the heat of the moment kind of thing, and you just slipped controls for a second. Make it out to be some stupid misfire instead of an attempt on her body and such. People forgive stupid blunders a lot quicker than intended fuck-ups.
[deleted]: >Make it out to be some stupid misfire instead of an attempt on her body and such.
Not sure what to make of the statement. Do you mean like the OP misread the situation and wasn't trying to force themselves on her? If so, i think that kind of goes without saying if they were really friends before. Not saying people aren't assaulted by people they used to consider friends, but barring something more extreme than just trying to kiss them, I think most people would give the OP the benefit of the doubt.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1345376073 | 1345520744 | t3_ygwm8 | t5_2to41 | 37 | liquid-cure: TIFU by accidentally drunk dialling a woman I babysit for
Her name was directly above the name of the girl I was trying to call. The call would have lasted about 3 seconds with heavy club music in the background and me saying 'fuck'.
I doubt she'll ever call me for babysitting again.
RedeyeRay: Why isn't anyone suggesting that he pursue the mom? Come on, Reddit! Make liquid-cure into a cougar hunter!
liquid-cure: Cause I'm a girl!
Assaultman67: even better!
Parker_I: Much, much better.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1345397023 | 1345510860 | t3_yh8u3 | t5_2to41 | 294 | shartthrowaway: TIFU by shitting all over my pants in the toilet of a restaurant where my friend works (Graphic enough, possibly NSFL).
So a friend and I were hanging around in my house, and he gets a text from another friend who is at work, suggesting we come in and get some food. It's just a few minutes walk so we head down. He greets us and we take a seat at the bar, it's really quiet and we're more or less the only people there. We get wings and nachos followed by cheesecake and coffee, and after about forty minutes of him leaning over the counter talking to us, and only one or two other groups coming in, he takes his break. He heads to the toilet and comes back out changed out of his uniform and orders some food. I need to piss so I ask him if the door he has just come through is the toilet. He says yes and I head in.
It's a hot day so I'm wearing shorts. I'm also wearing pretty distinctive bright yellow socks. It's a bathroom that just has one toilet, no urinals or cubicles or anything, and the main door is locked behind me. I drop my (relatively baggy) shorts to my ankles and start pissing. I also go to do my customary small during-pee-fart. I immediately feel some wetness on my ass and clamp my cheeks together, turn around and sit on the toilet. I'm just about to breathe a sigh of relief when I look down and see that in fact I did not clamp quickly enough. My boxers are covered in shit. There is some shit on my shorts. My shorts are baggy enough that my ankles were exposed, and one of my socks (and part of its accompanying shoe) is also covered in shit. I feel like crying. Nothing even fucking remotely like this has ever happened to me before. I take my shoes and socks and shorts off and just can't even think of what to do. The first thing I decide is that the boxers and socks are a write off. I go to put them in the little bin beside me. There's no bag in the bin. I wrap them in tissue and put them in the bin. I take some more tissue and wipe my ass. I then discover that there is actually shit pretty much all over inner thighs. I wipe and wipe for ages, eventually standing up and getting myself into all sorts of weird positions to make sure I'm completely clean. I then turn my attention to wiping the (mercifully few) drops of shit off the inside of my shorts. I get a bit panicky and take the boxers and socks bundle back out of the bin and wrap it in even more toilet paper. I then flush the toilet, which has so much paper in it, and after a moment of terror it all goes down without blocking. I put my clean-ish shorts back on, put the clean sock in my pocket, compose myself and head back out. Obviously I've been ages.
The guys are jokingly wondering where I've been, I don't even want to talk about shitting so I say I've been texting my girlfriend and I'm actually going to meet her now. I just want to get the hell out of there before they ask more questions or notice I have no socks on or whatever. Luckily some more people are arriving to the restaurant at this point so it won't be as blindingly obvious who left the shitty bundle in the toilet bin. It takes agonizingly long to get the check but eventually I get out and walk home in shame and depression.
Now here I am, the self-preservation instinct has worn off and I just feel terribly guilty. Some poor employee is going to have to deal with my horrible bundle, and regardless of whether my friend puts two and two together it's a dreadful situation to put someone in. It is now painfully clear to me that I should have washed the shitty stuff in the sink and smuggled it out with me. But I don't know what I can do about it. This was kind of occurring to me even before I left the restaurant but I could think of no excuse to go back to the bathroom and spent another ten minutes in there. Thinking of it now I obviously could have just said 'Oh I need the bathroom again'. I'm such a fool. I half think I should go back confess, and bring the lump home to my own trash but I don't want to be fucking banned or get my friend in trouble for bringing in horrible customers or anything. I am at a loss and I am a bad man.
Thank you reddit for listening to my shitty tale of woe.
**TL;DR: I sharted, left a horrible bundle of shitty underpants in the trashcan in a friends place of work, now feel like an asshole and don't know what to do**
LittlefootYeti: Everyone trusts the wrong fart at one point or another in their lives. And that employee who gets to empty the garbage bin is probably going to dump the whole thing into a larger bag as they are taking out other trash and will just think it smells like shit. The only bad thing about it is how you are wracking your nerves by freaking out about it.
perogies: 'Everyone trusts the wrong fart at one point or another in their lives.' That should be in a bible type book somewhere.
iborgel: Is there a reddit bible? I feel like there should be.
VoteLobster: And God said 'Let there be Karma!' and he saw that it was good. And so he up voted it.
i_am_sad: and jesus said "i came here to post that" and he saw that it was good, so he upvoted it.
VoteLobster: Upvotes to our God!
| 7 | 42 | |
1345407491 | 1345468898 | t3_yhim1 | t5_2to41 | 90 | Imaster595: TIFU by texting my dad asking if he had weed.
I was home alone in my house and my parents had gone out to the movies. My friends and i had planned to smoke sometime during the week, and none of us had any currently. My friend asked if I could get some, and i obliged him by texting who I thought was my friend. Immediately after i hit send i realized the name at the top of the page, and shat my pants.
Edit: my father told me that when he checked if phone in the theater lobby, he cracked up. Then he and my mother forbid me from leaving the house.
bitmapper: Well, did he have any? We need closure!
Imaster595: I actually never thought to ask further. ive found rolling papers of his before, but im pretty confident that he doesnt smoke anymore.
it_hurts_to_pee: My dad would simply reply "how much do you need?
Imaster595: Your father is a good man.
| 5 | 18 | |
1345411164 | 1345414025 | t3_yhm53 | t5_2to41 | 2 | higante: TIFU by having to spend 1300 on tickets to get home...
So I work for an airline and we get to fly free. I went to Hawaii and on the trip back it was all booked up (We fly free via standby which means if there is a free spot we get it, otherwise we dont).
With that being said, the day came to go home, and since I needed to go home I had to purchase a ticket to go home. It was 1300 for my girlfriend and myself. :[
knivesout0: wat
[deleted]: wat
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1345436338 | 1345481764 | t3_yi9xd | t5_2to41 | 84 | JoJoJaMonkey: TIFU trying to send one of my closest friend a funny picture I found on r/spacedicks but by mistake sending it instead to my girl friend
The picture I sent: http://i.imgur.com/t2EmQ.gif
Warning NSFW
WaterChestnut3: TYFU by browsing /r/spacedicks. What the fuck man
darkrock: this is not a good place to browse.
| 3 | 28 | |
1345456495 | 1345747917 | t3_yils0 | t5_2to41 | 1,198 | jdmf87: TIFUpdate: I'm the guy who told his boss I'm going back to school
[Original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/y7ilh/tifu_by_mentioning_i_wanted_to_go_back_to_school/).
TL;DR for that post/comments: I mentioned in passing I was looking at grad school options to move out of my current field and into accounting; Boss thought I was planning on going to school *this year* as in starting next month. I called the office on my day off a week ago and asked her if I could start doing more training in accounting and cost management to get some hands-on experience before I go back to school. She said she wasn't going to be giving me any more training and wanted me to train other workers on my specific job tasks since I wasn't going to be with the company much longer. Ya know, generally losing her shit. Since she had brought me into the company, I guess she felt that it reflected badly on her. End TL;DR.
So after reading Reddit's comments and discussing with my elders in other fields, I decided to go in and talk with my boss and put her fears to rest. She and I were supposed to have a meeting Friday, but she completely skipped out on it. Not looking good. Saturday morning I get a text apologizing for missing the meeting and offering me breakfast at her expense. Free food, fuck yeah.
I meet her at a breakfast place close to my apartment, we chat and catch up for a while, since we've known each other for about three years now, and then she starts asking me veiled questions about my schooling. I told her, point blank, that she and I had misunderstood one another, that I was looking at schooling options several years out and there's no way I could meet the deadlines for Fall 2013 admission and that I was looking at Fall 2014 at the earliest to start grad school. That calmed her down a bit. We started discussing work and I find out that, when I said I wanted to leave my current field and get into accounting and cost management, she thought I meant the industry as a whole, not just my specific field, and that I was planning on quitting my job as soon as possible. I assured her that she had misunderstood and I just wanted to change fields, not industries. That calmed her down significantly.
More chatting, more coffee, and she mentions that her boss (the big boss) heard about me wanting to move into cost management (her specific field) and eventually wanting to move to our company's head office in DC. Guess I caused quite a stir in the management offices. Anyway, Big Boss wants me to start coming in one-to-two days a week to start shadowing her so I can learn accounting from her. So now I'll be doing my current job three or four days a week and the other one or two I'll be shadowing and getting hands-on experience from someone with 20+ years of experience in the field I want to study.
Today, I didn't fuck up.
NightRedditor: High-freakin'-five OP!
jdmf87: [Yeah!](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5svx9AELq1qbaj4uo1_1280.jpg)
cuddlefucker: I totally just put my hand there.
Mnawab: as did I, causing my monitor to fall of the edge of my desk.
| 5 | 239.6 | |
1345458787 | 1345590275 | t3_yimp9 | t5_2to41 | 85 | soldierkid76: TIFU by not shaking my just washed clothes out before wearing them to work.
So.. today I came in to work said hi to my colleagues. the aircon was a bit chilly so I took my just washed cardigan out and put it on. A pair of knickers fell out and I quickly hid them... phew! i went to the toilet came back and my boss tapped me on the back and pointed to the floor, whats that? is that yours? It was another pair of knickers! Argh the shame!..note to self always shake out clothes when removing from tumble dryer and before wearing..AT HOME!
warpaint: What are knickers?
Are those bras?
soldierkid76: Knickers are lady pants.
lordnikkon: you know that still probably didnt help him understand because outside of UK pants means trousers. you need to say ladies underwear for him to understand
soldierkid76: You say tomato I say tomato :)
greginnj: there's your problem, miss! Tomatoes in your washing machine!
| 6 | 14.166667 | |
1345493428 | 1345540044 | t3_yjgxi | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: This all thanks to you, r/TIFU!
[Message from Moderator](http://i.imgur.com/BU72q.jpg)
You guys rock!
::edit::
Please, don't upvote. Just wanted to spread my thanks. You all are awesome!
casualbear3: Soooo.... Link to the fuck up?
[deleted]: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/y5ozi/tifu_by_running_over_my_boss/
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1345471961 | 1345610209 | t3_yiu73 | t5_2to41 | 15 | docular: TIFU by trying to swallow tablets with hot tea
Not my brightest moment. So hot.
AdmiralNelson24: I tried to do this with coffee not too long ago.
Mrninjamonkey: oh god...When I first tried coffee, I tried to take a huge gulp, since that was how I normally drank stuff( I was 10!). I have never tried to drink hot coffee ever again, frozen mochas ftw!
DQEight: Did this at an airport cafe when I was 12...never had I run so fast to the nearest trash bin
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1345516036 | 1345559276 | t3_yk4zy | t5_2to41 | 558 | marisunday: TIFU by sending 2 girls 1 cup to a church that I was trying to apply for a job at.
I was applying for local jobs on Craig's List, whilst arguing with a friend about whether less sleep, or more sleep is better, so as it was I was only half paying attention.
When I apply for jobs, I open the Craig's List ad, read about it, and then I have several pre-made drafts saved in my gmail account, and I go to one, and fill in all the info, and hit send. So all and all, I actually don't need a lot of attention while job hunting. Or so I thought.
I saw an add for a Church Administrative Assistant. I thought "hey, fuck it, why the hell not", which should have been a hint right there that it was not meant to be. But I opened a new draft, and plugged in their email address.
This is when the debate with my friend over sleep got a little heated. I decided to look online to see if I could back up my claim, which is less sleep is better than more sleep. I could not. That fucker was going to win. So I decided I would punish him.
I opened a new gmail doc, and used the little link thing to hide the link for two girls one cup behind what looked like "www.cnn.com/less_sleep_is_better.html" or something equally dumb. I hit send right away. And then it hit me.
I hadn't opened a new document at all. I had just hit send on that email to the church. Along with my resume.
I sent these people the most vile porn I have ever seen. (I'm sure there's worse, but I am a female, and that's about as rough as it gets for me.) I am so completely horrified and embarrassed I feel like crying. But don't get me wrong, the first thing I did was laugh so hard it hurt.
I didn't think I would hear anything back, but about half an hour ago, I got an email from someone on their staff saying they are reporting me to the police. :(
lawfullyretarded: If you use gmail there is a lab thingy that will let you undo your recently sent mail up to 10-30 seconds after you pressed send. This lab has saved my ass so many times.
metamaoz: Where do I find this lab thingy, you know for future email mistakes?
fragglet: Click the gear icon at the top right of the screen and select "settings". Go to the "Labs" tab, scroll down until you find the "Undo Send" option. Scroll to the bottom of the page and click "Save Changes". Done.
GMan129: I fucking love you. Make this a LPT, if you don't want to I will.
fragglet: Line Printer Terminal?
GMan129: LifeProTip
Unless you're being sarcastic...
fragglet: Nope. Never heard of it before. I assume it's a subreddit. If you want to repost my instructions, go ahead.
| 8 | 69.75 | |
1345516645 | 1345614929 | t3_yk5n5 | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by whipping shit on my face
I am sick with strep throat at the moment and I have to take pills that upset my stomach and make me need to go. I was in school when I had started having horrible stomach pains, I usually dont use public restrooms but this was an exception since i couldnt it in. So I went to the toilet and started doing my bussiness. After I finished I really needed to blow my nose so I wiped my ass and MENT to throw that paper in the toilet but in stead used the used toilet paper to blow my nose. Realizing I had shit smothered all over my face I ran out to clean my face...not realizing the bell had just rung and everyone was staring at my wash my shit covered face. TIFU.
Summary: I wiped crap on my face and a lot of people saw my clean it off.
(Sorry if i have any mistakes)
fiestaforesta: My first thought, did you actually blow your nose and then realize your piece of toilet paper was covered in shit? Or did you put it to your face and go "OH GOD WHY."
Odd_Omar: Yes my reaction exactly
calisco: I'm so sorry to here this. I probably would of went pale if I were you but since I'm not you, I just laughed my ass off.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1345514020 | 1345536251 | t3_yk2u8 | t5_2to41 | 140 | warpaint: TIFU by masturbating to pics of my friend's mom and having that friend walk in on me
EDIT:
So I am sleeping over at my friend's house. I am on the futon. My friend is asleep. I couldn't go back to sleep so I walk around the house and go to the kitchen to get something to drink. I turn on one of the small lamps in the parlor and enjoy my cold glass of milk and look at the framed pictures on the desk table.
I was like "daayum this mom looks real good in these pics, especially the pics where she was younger."
So I had an erection and decided to make it go away, by putting my hands in my shorts.
I guess I had been making too much noise - what with going to the kitchen, turning on the lights, getting milk, and browsing the framed photos.
My friend walks in and sees my hands in my shorts, holding a framed picture of his mom and dad.
He gets a little pissed off and starts making a big deal out of this incident. Mom and dad wake up and DAYUM I see mom - she still looks great even in her night attire. I quickly say that I need to use the bathroom and finish my business there.
Dad goes back to sleep, mom asks what's up. Friend and I tell her that nothing is wrong. Friend and I go back to the room where my friend confronts me. "What the fuck bro, what were you doing?"
I poker face him and go back to sleep. We didn't really talk about it again.
tl;dr : jacked off to mama and finished in the bathroom after getting caught.
[deleted]: I mean... Is she hot? I love the M.I.L.F.S.
warpaint: She's bangin. I get nervous every time I see her in person.
AgentVanillaGorilla: Were they revealing pictures? If so, where'd you get revealing pictures of your friends mom? If not, that makes it a little more odd.
warpaint: Just pictures of her around the house... to be honest. I was sleeping over.
RageGodReed: Rofl, what were you thinking?
warpaint: I dunno. Thought everyone was asleep. >_>
| 7 | 20 | |
1345478257 | 1345531101 | t3_yj0da | t5_2to41 | 13 | Shizzzler: TIFU by writing an assignment on the wrong topic
I'm an archaeology student, and we had to make a study on a certain context. Somehow I got into my head it was about site A, whereas in reality it was about site B. Never used ctrl+a and delete on purpose before!
endlesslycomplicated: Fellow arch student, I feel your pain! Were the designation names really similar, or were you not paying attention? ;P
Hope you can still get marks!
Shizzzler: Ty! No the names aren't similar at all. Mindfart :/ Nearing completion on the assignment, though! (the subject change mostly affects flavour text and interpretation, not the actual find analysis :))
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1345522939 | 1345534927 | t3_ykbx2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by entering a questionable description for an item at a Wal-Mart check out.
Well, first off, let me say that this isn't so much of a fuck up, cause it's really not THAT bad but I didn't know what other subreddit to put it in. I think it's pretty funny, I hope you all do, too.
On with the story...
I work at Wal-Mart because I'm still in High School and it's conveniently located. I'm a cashier and today was only my second day on a register but it's so easy that I basically have the hang of it. In case you don't know, every once in a while the bar-codes on items don't work and we have to enter the UPC for the item. When you do that it asks for the department, a description of the item, and a price. So, a women comes through my line with four various CD's and the very last one was 80's Hits and of course I had to enter the UPC and I enter the department and then when I go to enter the description, the only thing that comes to mind is "80s Hits," so I went right ahead and typed that in. After I hit enter, I realize that it puts it in all caps and I didn't put any spaces (I don't know if you even can?) so this description reads; '80SHITS'.
I immediately face palm and move along.
Hopefully this is as funny to you all, as it was to me.
workin2hard: I wish I had a meme on hand for how anticlimactic that was... Just know I want that 15 seconds back, bitch!
KayleeChristeen: I'm so sorry. D: I kind of warned you though!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1345521843 | 1345569971 | t3_ykavs | t5_2to41 | 37 | brokenfaucet: TIFU by extensively planning a group trip to Ireland only to realize the day of the flight that my passport expired.
I had planned this trip with a group of 5 others over the course of four months. I wrote a proposal and squeezed grant money out of my school, got all sorts of paperwork together, got an international student ID card, researched every bar, restaurant, and work of architecture worth visiting. Never bothered to check the expiration date on my passport. I realized my error on the way to the airport. The group had to go on without me and now I'm spending my only week of vacation in suburban Ohio writing grad school essays and redditing. Heads up, if you get that damn book before you're 16, it's only lasting five years before you turn into a different human and have to reapply all over again.
Naptowner: How were you able to book your flight without giving the airline your passport number and expiration date?
c0wsumer: He wouldn't have been able to.
Whomp whomp
brokenfaucet: Nope, actually they let me book my flight and if I remember correctly I might have even used my expired passport number.
Naptowner: Well, that really sucks.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1345558794 | 1345639064 | t3_ykx3a | t5_2to41 | 996 | hot_farts: TIFU by letting a girl enter her number into my phone, but forgot to delete my sick porn history.
Happened today at 1:30 am when I was leaving a bar. Recently I have been getting bored of all the same cliche porn and decided to ramp it up by checking out the unspoken of (preggo porn, midget porn, beastiality... You name it) I have become so infatuated by this crazy porn that if you press the magnifying glass button on the bottom of my htc phone you get things like "girl sucks horse cock" and "dirty midget gets cigar shoved in pussy..." I know i have a little problem here... Oh well. I wanted to be asertive by giving her my phone which kinda gives her no choice but to enter her number, but her finger slipped over the magnifying glass button and the look of horror in her eyes as she slowly looked up at me was indescribable. She literally tossed my phone back at me and briskly walked away shaking her head. I looked down at my phone and an realized I should have deleted my history.
TIFU.....
everythingisamixer: "TIFU by letting a girl enter her number into my phone"
Just stop there. We all have dark shit hidden in our phones, why would you ever hand it over?
hot_farts: I was drunk.
[deleted]: I've dated chicks who were into fucked up porn. The shit I looked at didn't faze them. One chick admitted to me she has fapped to [/r/spacedicks](/r/spacedicks) I wish I could make this up.
RedeyeRay: Dude. I'd be seriously scared of a chick that fapped to /r/spacedicks Seriously scared.
[deleted]: Wasn't too bad. She was into weird porn, but was freaky enough in bed.
skakruk: nothing has ever not happened as much as this didn't happen... Sigh, you are really ingenuous, reddit... How can you upvote this bullshit.
[deleted]: Because it happened? I met her at a Reddit Meetup. Considering all the info I have given out, I will prob get an angry text tomorrow morning from her. She knows my Reddit name.
skakruk: Ah ok, that makes more sense. I thought it was impossible that she happened to know reddit, spacedicks, and fap to spacedicks.
I do kind of believe you now, sorry. But still, what the fucking fuck, I thought I was fucked up, I can't possibly imagine that a normal looking woman can fap to spacedicks. RUN.
[deleted]: She was pretty cool, but since I'm on the east coast for an internship, she decided to hedge her bets with someone else. I was pissed for a week, but got over it.
I may get a job out here (have a few prospects), but she decided to go with someone more stable. It still sucks, I am mad about it, but I do understand. She also was heavily into Totse as a teen.
Also, having weird kinks regarding your porn tastes doesn't correlate to real life sex. She said she watched certain types of porn. I tried them on her and she wasn't into them. Oh well.
skakruk: > Also, having weird kinks regarding your porn tastes doesn't correlate to real life sex.
Sure, but porn is sexual. There's nothing sexual in a chopped off skinless penis, that's what I found extremely strange. It's not even torture porn, it's just dismembered parts of strangled corpses, if you get sexually aroused by that, you do have a problem, imo. It's cool that you fucked her, but be happy that it's gone.
[deleted]: Yes.
| 12 | 83 | |
1345560061 | 1345659209 | t3_yky9w | t5_2to41 | 21 | breadfaction: TIFU: Planned to go back to school in the fall, denied for student aid because I fucked up with my last student loan. Everyone I know thinks I'm leaving, and now I probably can't.
Here's my story.
After finishing my undergrad two years ago, I went straight into the corporate world. Hated every minute of it. While some people have got all of this willpower to see things through because of the allure of the paycheque at the end of the month, I just couldn't.
So, I fucked off, and started a business with my step-mother. After about 8 months of that, and 95% of my savings sunk into a business that wouldn't turn a profit for at least another 24 months, I was essentially bankrupt, and miserable.
When my partner balked at the idea of putting me on a small salary to keep me afloat, I was basically strong-armed into leaving the company for pennies on the dollar. By my own family, no less. I wound up waiting tables, which is what I've been doing for the last year or so to keep myself afloat.
Anyways, despite making a decent wage as a server, I knew I had to get out of the industry before I became complacent and settled on a life in the restaurant industry (not that it's a bad way to make a living, I just wanted out). My best friend great one-year post-graduate Web Dev. program, 2000 km away, starting in the fall. It was perfect for what I wanted, so I applied and got accepted, pretty quickly.
After getting accepted, I set forth to save every penny I could to make the move possible. And as hard as I have tried, I failed to even come close to the amount I'd need to survive with an apartment and food. Luckily for me, there's student aid, right?
Well, not so much. Because of my stupidity, it turns out that I had defaulted on the provincial portion of my student loan, and had no clue that I had done this. I saw student loan payments come out of my bank account every month, and thought all was well. Evidently, in Canada, the provincial and federal government share the burden on student aid financing, and the province had decided to default me for having a delinquent payment record. So, presently, I'm ineligible for student aid, until I pay off the remaining balance on the provincial loan.
But here's the kicker. Class starts in two weeks, and even if I were to pay the defaulted portion of my loan today, it'd take up to two weeks to clear with my province's department of student aid, and up to 4 more weeks to process my application, whereupon I might not even get accepted for further financing. If I do this, and pay for the first term's tuition today, I'd be left, basically, with first-and-last month's rent, and zero dollars for food or essentials. On a prayer that the aid comes in, sometime in October. There is nobody in my family to borrow from, and while my girlfriend has offered, I could never take money from her.
The other alternative is not repaying the defaulted portion of the loan yet, pay the $2,800 fee for the first term, move with about $2500 cash-in-hand, and get a serving job throughout my time in the program. After paying for rent and food, I'd need to be able to have another $2,800 saved by January, and again in May, in order to remain in the school program. I really, really, really, fucked up this time.
I am so disappointed in myself for not having the foresight to see this coming, and am fucking shattered. Tuition in Canada isn't even that expensive. $8,400 for the entire year, and I'm not able to find a way to cover it, because I defaulted on a $2k loan, without knowing? Who doesn't know that these things are happening around him, other than a complete fucking idiot?
I honestly don't know what to do. I've given my notice at my job, and everyone around me thinks I'm leaving, but now I don't know if I'll be able to. Unless I become a highly sought after sex trade worker in the next 48 hours, or rob a train containing methylamine, I think I have fucked myself over in a major way.
I need advice here. What does a more intelligent person do in this scenario?
Fuck me.
tl;dr - Guy plans do go back to school. Fails to realize he is ineligible for student aid. Is a fucking moron.
DR_McBUTTFUCK: Aren't there private loans you can take? Call up some banks and ask if they'll loan to you. Jesus, only 2 grand... Each class at my community college costs a grand, and I'm very happy about how cheap it is.
Demi-God94: In Canada the main way to get a loan for
School is this thing called osap. Basically a government run student loan system. They give you a loan and you dont have I pay it back until the beginning of the next school year (no interest is accumulated until after the year is up if I remember correctly). University (the equivalent of American college ie UCLA is the same type of institution as UTM) is actually extremely cheap compared to America. Classes at a university level are in the 1,000 - 1,300 range depending on which course you take. Community college (we just call it college in canada) is about 1,000 - 1,500 for the entire year with a schedule flush with courses. Just to use as a reference for American posters, this price discrepency is the reason why Canadians are always astonished that an American university student has racked up 50k in student loan dept after only finishing their bachelors and working in the summer/ getting a part time job on campus.
DR_McBUTTFUCK: I don't know very many students that only have only 50k in student loan debt after their bachelors. 50k is closer to a first year student living on campus.
Demi-God94: Wow I'm starting university two weeks from now and I'm gonna be living on campus, it's gonna cost me around 10k. What the fuck how does 1st year accumulated 50k in debt? What are the costs like in America?
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1345577103 | 1345646607 | t3_ylg52 | t5_2to41 | 123 | moichum: TIFU at work by asking a man if he wanted to buy socks -- not noticing that he had no legs.
I was working behind the counter at work and a customer came up to the till in his wheel chair. I could only see him from about the neck up because he was so far down. It's part of my job to ask if the customer is "interested in getting some socks for half price". So I asked him if he wanted any socks, and he looked down and then looked back up and me and says, "Ehm.. I don't need them," and smiled. My manager caught my eyes and smirked at me. I was thinking, oh shit, what did I do. Then as the man pulled away in his chair to leave the shop, I could clearly see he had no legs. Oops. My boss was thoroughly amused. I didn't know whether to just laugh it off, or hide in a hole for the rest of the day in utter shame.
themettaur: It could have been worse. One time I held a door open for a guy, not realizing he was in an electric wheelchair. He said to me, "I don't need your help," and proceeded to struggle with the handicapped-accessible door for a good minute (and there was another door after that). At least it seems like this guy was completely nice about it.
Cpraltdeleteshift: this happened to me once too where a guy in a wheel chair was like "thank you, but no thank you. I got this." So I shrugged it off, but was embarrassed as hell..
themettaur: I mean I understand wanting to do things for yourself and stuff, but it's like, I hold the door open for *everyone*. I wasn't particularly doing him a favor, and then he has to be rude about it? He didn't even say thank you to me. D: But yeah, it is incredibly embarrassing!
| 4 | 30.75 | |
1345578314 | 1345635317 | t3_ylhg2 | t5_2to41 | 46 | refewz: TIFU and now I can barely hear out of my right ear
I'm 18 and had never used a q-tip before yesterday, when my sister offered me a big box of the cursed things. I had heard that it was not recommended to stick anything smaller than your elbow into your ear, but I decided that I could try using one q-tip to clear out some of my earwax. Anyway, I wiggled the q-tip around in my right ear and as soon as I pulled it out I noticed my hearing was extremely muffled, like I was underwater or something. I tried putting some hydrogen peroxide in my ear, thinking that I probably just shoved some wax deeper into my ear canal, but that hasn't helped yet. My hearing hasn't improved since this incident, and I assume that I either forced some wax deep into my ear or I punctured my ear drum. I have an appointment with an ENT next tuesday, but until then I will pray (not really) for my hearing to return. When I put on headphones, the sound in my right ear is probably only 25% of the volume in my other ear, and nothing sounds clear. So please, don't make the same mistake I did--never stick a q-tip in your ear! If you feel like there's wax in there just use hydrogen peroxide. If anyone has advice on how to resolve this issue it would be greatly appreciated.
Iamyourpoptart: If you didn't feel amazing pain and swear a lot, you are probably fine except for a hunk of wax. Give it time, a little warm water, and see what the doc says.
Source: had amazing ear infection
[deleted]: This is relieving to read. Hearing is almost definitely my favorite sense, so I'd be devastated if I were deaf in one ear.
[deleted]: You'll be fine. Sucks you have to wait a week to get your ear cleaned out though... maybe you had a spider in your ear and it's stuck somewhere in there now?
darkrock: that's just all sorts of wrong. well done.
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1345546741 | 1345603498 | t3_ykpkt | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by knocking a book off my desk, it fell behind the desk and I hit my head trying to retrieve it.
Dic3rZ: Well if it makes you feel better it made me laugh :x
[deleted]: when I used to have a Ps2 in my bedroom the controller was always falling on my head.
| 3 | 1 | |
1345595714 | 1345678101 | t3_ylzjq | t5_2to41 | 68 | Siaress: TIFU by breaking a replica Terra Cota army statue at Steven Seagal's house, and not telling him about it.
I'm a contractor, and today we had a job at Steven Seagal's house in Arizona. I've worked on plenty of properties belonging to the rich and/or famous, so it wasn't a huge deal to me that we were there. He has a beautiful home, very dojo-esque with a lot of Oriental decor, including several replicas of the terra cotta army soldiers. As I was unloading the truck and admiring the amazing property, bringing the equipment inside, I knocked into one of the statues and heard a spine-tingling shatter. I damn near shit my pants and ran, but no one was around and I'm assuming he was busy inside (never did actually meet or see him), so I just went about my business. Anticipating a world-renowned ass beating from the ultimate giver of no fucks, I decided not to say anything. I didn't actually look to see the damage myself, half expecting eye contact with my fuck up to immediately signal him to destroy me. So Mr. Seagal, if you are in fact a redditor, I can safely and anonymously say I am sorry. Hopefully the damage was not too bad!
Please don't murder me and my family :D
driftsc: "Replica"... sure
Talran: They were made BCE, and museums have a hard time getting their hands on a few for an exhibit. I'm sure anything he had was a replica. An actual terracotta soldier would require serious wealth, numbers that begin with B instead of M. Seagal is estimated to be worth ~25M
driftsc: still more than chris tucker
Talran: [I felt that from here.](http://i.imgur.com/nPPIr.gif)
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1345635235 | 1346028012 | t3_ymsh4 | t5_2to41 | 84 | japrufrocknroll: TIFU and gave my hair a bad dye job and now I look like the Aurora shooter
Time to wear all of the hats.
DyslexicPuppy: i did the same thing.
was bored and used the 3.99$ hair dye from the store.
my mom's a hairdresser too, should have just gone home and let her do it.
http://imgur.com/73xKD
[deleted]: Koi
DyslexicPuppy: fa sho. all my friends say it's magikarp.
hoorigan512: It clearly is magikarp. don't try to hide your pokemon tattoo from us.
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1345642764 | 1345644858 | t3_ymxea | t5_2to41 | 225 | daveyb86: TIFU by marking an IT sales account as "lost - due to colonic irrigation"
Myself and a co-worker are going through the sales system (called CRM here). I was closing a bunch of contracts all for the same reason so was just pasting "Lost sale - company no longer exists" over and over again, then hitting save.
We're sending instant messages back and forth and I ask if closing these contracts is necessary as our target wasn't based off them.
He says "yes, we need to clean the shit from CRM".
"Oh, like a CRM colonic" I say.
He doesn't understand what this is (Engilsh isn't his first language), so I get the definition online, copy/paste and send it to him. Then proceed to continue closing the remainder as quickly as I could.
In about 1 second flat, I hit paste & save. That's how I ended up with "Lost Sale - colonic irrigation: a water enema given to flush out the colon" and also, was the day I realised I can't edit saved comments.
PrognosisWafflecone: Hahahahaha! What ERP is your CRM linked to?
daveyb86: It's a heavily customised version Microsoft Dynamics, I'm sure some high-end IT guy could get rid of it but that would mean I'd need to announce it to the whole IT dept.
Z0bie: I've a feeling they'll find out sooner or later anyway.
| 4 | 56.25 | |
1345645452 | 1345696334 | t3_ymzpg | t5_2to41 | 52 | Junda: TIFU When the people I was house sitting for came home a day early to find me naked in the master bed.
My friends asked me to stay at their house when they were gone and watch the dogs/fish. Well I, like any stable minded person would do, took full advantage of having a house to myself. This basically included: being naked 90% of the time, taking baths in huge bathtub, sleeping in master bedroom and of course not cleaning up after myself.
Well they were supposed to come home on Thursday but it was raining at the beach house they were staying at so they drove home early to find me butt naked in their bed. fml
everythingisamixer: First rule of house-sitting: always expect them to come home at any time.
Also, it could have been worse.
xGrimmisx: you could have been masturbating in their bed. there have been A LOT of those caught masturbating stories around here.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1345667120 | 1345839303 | t3_ynn1l | t5_2to41 | 1,100 | Jay21310: TIFU by telling my friend on the phone that my wife wasn't a 10. She is a 6 or a 7 but she has a great personality... and she heard me.
I meant it in a positive way saying that she was cute and I was so glad she wasn't a "10" because if she were she would be high maintenance and stuck up. I'm not attracted to those types of girls.
She straight up asked me if I really thought she was a 6 or a 7 and I was trapped. Either I say "no honey, I think you're a 10" and she would rant about how it's a lie and that's not what I really thought, or I tell her the truth and she rants anyway.
I told her she is a 10 to me because she is exactly what I was looking for. She didn't want to hear any of it.
TIFU.
Edit: Wow, I've never seen so many different opinions on Reddit. For the record, I have officially smooth talked my way out of this. Right after all this happened, she went to work for 5 hours, cooled down and when she got back we had another talk. I told her that I didn't mean it in a negative way and she really was perfect for me. I told her that I couldn't picture me with anyone else, gave her a kiss and I just complimented her a lot. So far as I know, she's not worried about it anymore.
MandatorilyMatutinal: And that will teach you to assign arbitrary numerical ratings to something complex.
Jay21310: Indeed it will
Portdog31: Use a 1 or a 0, 0 for ugly/ not doable. 1 for doable and hot
[deleted]: Fuck yeah binary!
Portdog31: 'Merica
Jay21310: wow man, you really got gangbanged
Portdog31: They came out of no where!
Itsalreadytaken: Survey says: Downvotes!
| 9 | 122.222222 | |
1345684858 | 1345853048 | t3_yo5re | t5_2to41 | 35 | Kittyginochko: TIFU by making a gay joke in a gay bar.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not homophobic at all.
So, my friend and I were in the city and wandering around when we decided to stop for a beer at this established gay bar. It was the first one I've ever been in, and needless to say, I was the only female in this full bar (early evening). Anyway, as my comrade and I were enjoying our Blue Moon's just talking about how the bar tender kinda looked like Henry Rollins, I notice a little fruit fly floating in my beer. I pointed it out to my friend, and shrugged it off saying, "Well, it won't give me AIDS or anything."
TIFU
MidnightCommando: TRWTF is that AIDS is a gay joke?
[deleted]: What is TRWTF supposed to mean?
cimarroni: The Real WTF.
Knif3: It was too fucking hard to type "The Real"? Fuck you MidnightCommando. Fuck you in the mouth.
MidnightCommando: nothx, I don't know where you've been
Knif3: Valid point
| 7 | 5 | |
1345690631 | 1346199858 | t3_yobps | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by setting up an inventory search on my companys website for a customer. Now he's threatening to sue.
I'm in sales. I had a customer email me looking for a fairly specific item that we didn't have in stock. We corresponded via email so that I could figure out what he was looking for. And he wasn't looking to purchase for a few months. I've found in the past that setting up an inventory alert on our company website is an effective way for both me and my customers to keep tabs on what they are looking for. Every time the item comes up that meets his criteria it emails both he and I. To do this, I have to, of course, provide the site with his email address. I've done it a bunch of times. And my customers are usually very grateful. And in doing so, there aren't any terms and conditions that I accept on his behalf. After letting him know that it was set up, he went me an email thanking me. I gave him a default password for the account and told him he could change it at any time.
All was well and good. So I thought. Later on in the day, my manager got a call from him. He was livid that I had set up the profile without his permission. And he was right. I didn't. But I gave the site less information than he had provided me with. I keyed in nothing more than his email address. But alas. He's now threatening to sue the company and our corporate legal team has to get involved. I think the worst part is that I was only trying to help the guy. I actually went so far as to call him to apologize over the phone.
It was a bit surreal because during his verbal tirade he actually kept complimenting me on my customer service. He loved me and he loved the idea of what I was attempting to do for him. And he said he appreciated my proactive and honest approach. He was more mad at the situation I had put him in. And he understood that it came from a place of total sincerity, innocence, and well... ignorance. I shouldn't have done it without his permission. He was right about that. I'm fairly confident I'm going to lose my job over this.
pdxphreek: You can't delete his profile?
[deleted]: No. Actually I discovered that it can't be deleted. That was part of his issue. That there is no opt out for it. I honestly thought you could, until I actually tried. The best I could do was edit his email and change his name to N/A. My manager contacted our IT dept to inquire about this. It is kinda odd to me. But at the same time, there aren't any terms and conditions he had to accept. Nothing legally binding was accepted on his behalf. Waiting to hear how that all shakes down.
But somewhat of an update. I was worried that this whole thing would jeopardize my employment. Interestingly, I've actually received nothing but praise from my management. They really push us on email collection. To do what I did and its also how we collect our customer surveys. With the aggressive nature in which they push it on us, I suppose something like this was bound to happen. They find zero fault with me and my actions, as I was doing EXACTLY what I was trained to do. If anything it has actually made me look better. So its sorta beyond my station at this point. IT, legal and management have to sort it all out now. Good news is that I'm in the clear. Though I'll probably never do it again. Even if it is what I'm "supposed" to do.
pdxphreek: I'm glad it ended up working out for you!
[deleted]: Thanks! Despite everyone telling me that it was okay, I still feel like I wouldn't do it again. I guess at the end of the day I find myself siding with my customer in all this. I may be a little too empathetic for my own good, but its just how I'm left feeling after all this.
pdxphreek: Not really, I've been put in very similar situations with my current job and tend to look at it from the customer standpoint of "I'd be pissed off if you guys did this to me too." So I just keep raising hell with my supervisors over some of the stupid policies and farm my resume out in the evenings...
[deleted]: Well its reassuring to know I'm not the only one placed in that awful position. Thanks for the kind words.
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1345736943 | 1345827549 | t3_yp80m | t5_2to41 | 344 | Morpheus_Oneiros: TIFU by shifting gears with my coffee thermos instead of the gear-stick.
It looks like Starbucks explosively orgasmed in my truck...
everythingisamixer: Good news, though, is that today you won by not wrecking your truck during the fuck up.
silentsleep: I agree with this person. I came here expecting your truck to be all f'd up. in this respect, you didn't fuck up today.
aardvarkspleen: Same here. Actually happened to an ex girlfriend's dad, was a dump truck driver, coming down a steep gravel hill and one of those old school green thermoses rolled up under the break pedal, by the time he got it freed, he was going to fast to make a corner, rolled the truck into the ditch, and died.
20 years later, the ex has dreams about the morning he left, I guess she was sleeping on the couch, he waved goodbye and she just rolled back over and went to sleep.
Keep your floorboards clean, kids.
Soupr: not to be a dick, but dont trucks have hand brakes?
aardvarkspleen: Down by the steering wheel there's a lever that actuates just the trailer brakes (name slips me at the moment). He didn't have a trailer on, so that wouldn't have done anything.
There's also an engine brake, it actuates when the switch is on, the truck's in gear. Instead of squirting fuel in on the upstroke of the compression cycle, it opens the exhaust valve, basically turning the engine into a giant air compressor. Witnesses said they herd the truck grinding, like he was trying to get it back into a gear. That wouldn't have been enough breaking power to get it back under control anyway.
There's also an emergency brake switch in the dash that could have been pulled. Why he didn't do that, I don't know. Figured he could save it, I guess. There's a possibility of the rear wheels locking up and loss of control that way, but at least he'd have been going a bit slower.
| 6 | 57.333333 | |
1345740110 | 1345763592 | t3_ypbf8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | ChaosTheosis: TIFUpdate I'm the dude who was a total douche
and "missed opportunity to get laid" Original thread
in here>
Original thread:
[TIFU by ruining a possibility to get laid. Would be nice if you guys could give me a hand, I really need it](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/xz3xw/tifu_by_ruining_a_possibility_to_get_laid_would/)
So what happened:
She went back to Sweden, I didn't even know untill her friend told me that she's gone. That hit me hard, I was expecting her to say at least goodbye, needless to say I was crushed. Later that day I open her Facebook profile and see stuff like "We'll see who'll regret more, me leaving, or you without me". Of course not in those words, but like that. She then comes out of nowhere and tells me she didn't want to see me, it was too hard for her. She cried the whole night, she didn't want to go back to Sweden. Apparently this possibly didn't have to do anything with me but I feel like it was. I dunno I'm totally confused, maybe it was I who fucked up something else or maybe it was someone else. I'm not certain. Last few days before she went back to her home I didn't see her anywhere, she always seems to dissappear somehow. Now when she's back she always texts me, insists on talking to me and sends me links of songs and stuff. What the hell happened. Am I really THAT stupid not to understand, or is it really this complicated. I'm confused out of my world.
Mnawab: Okay i read your last post and all i saw was that you said you loved her and such. Why did that upset her? isn't that kinda what she wanted from you other then sex? What happened to this girlfriend of yours? If sex is what your looking for then have sex with your girlfriend instead of trying to cheat on her. As far as your situation right now, all i can say is that women are confusing as fuck. One day they want you the next they hate you and then they want you again. they want you to change but then complain when you do change and would like the old you back and its just one big drama cycle.
ChaosTheosis: I don't know why did that upset her. Or if it was even that. I can't figure out. All I know she didn't want to see me before leaving because it was too hard for her to face me for some reason. Then a few lovesongs and quotes I found myself in on her Facebook profile... I don't know, she wasn't only looking for sex as much as I found out. My girlfriend (my ex) is totally irrelevant, I'm glad I left her. Is there any way to find out if she wants me or if she likes me or if I have a chance to get laid next time she comes? I just wanna know what she feels about me and what does she want. My god, girls are so confusing.
Mnawab: if u love her then just tell her. maybe even go see her. as far as why she left with out saying goodbye to you im guessing is because good byes are hard when its to someone you love. if you want to get laid man you should have had sex with your now ex back when you two were together. maybe you should look for a new girl if you want to get laid or go see your friend that left.
ChaosTheosis: This isn't about getting laid anymore. I care about that girl, and I care a lot. Now she just crushed me by all these things she's done. I can't go see her because she's like 2500km away from me at the moment, and she's not coming back soon. If you read the original thread you probably saw what she said when I told her I love her. But I suppose things could change. I dunno man, I need to find out what's going on with her... I don't wanna risk by doing something stupid yet again. I need this.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1345742880 | 1347985676 | t3_ypeha | t5_2to41 | 22 | ididntwantto: TIFU
Well last night I fucked up. I was talking to a girl on-line turns out shes a cutter like i used to be and all i wanted to do was help her. I talked to her for a while told her shes special, I skyped her for pics of her scars. Everything was fine until she tells me she is mentally handicapped and lives with her parents. Then i tried to cut all contact and stop talking to her because I am not qualified to help someone like that. After cutting contact and stopping the talking, my wife found out i was talking to her, she started digging and digging and found out. Now she is freaking out and my marriage is potentially over. Reddit, today i fucked up. and I think I am getting a divorce.
[deleted]: OP, your wife is evil. if you need to prove to your wife you weren't trying to creep then i suggest you and her talk to girl together to hash out the situation. your wife might sympathize with the both of you and try to help. if she is going to divorce you over trying to help someone then good-riddance. i know it's easier said than done but don't take divorce as a for gone conclusion just because you were trying to help someone.
[deleted]: can someone who is downvoting explain why i am getting downvoted? i don't really care but it doesn't make sense. japanistan pretty much said the same thing i did but he's not getting downvoted? i hate the hive sometimes.
themettaur: The general consensus is that OP is a faggot. They think he was trying to get sexual with this online girl, then backed out without thinking of her feelings, and is upset his wife found out. You are being downvoted because you are insulting the wife when it looks like the real bad guy is OP. I'm just informing you, not giving my own personal opinion: don't shoot the messenger.
[deleted]: well i appreciate it. but it also looks like reddit is quick to jump to conclusions. i for one have helped a lot of people with no intent on getting laid. and i also know chicks can be very quick to judge with a tinge of irrationality. so to me, his story isn't all the unbelievable. prob gonna get downvoted for this too.
bethedidnttellu: op's wife here...he forgot to mention that he has done this all before and i have stuck with him. he has also kissed another woman and tried to blame me for it. he lies to me constantly. so i may be a fucking bitch and i may be evil but i have a fucking reason.
[deleted]: my apologies then. i gave him the benefit of the doubt. i hope you left that prick.
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1345757646 | 1345799515 | t3_ypuxh | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU - by leaving a PC running intense games overnight, completely frying the motherboard.
Me, being a total dumbass, decided to let
Just Cause download overnight as the Internet is fairly slow at the moment. I did not realise that I had left my PC 4 dead (pardon the pun) after leaving Left 4 Dead 2 on a server overnight. I came downstairs to a faint burning smell and immediately looked in the cupboard where I keep the computer and turned it off. I went back after a few hours to see how it was and it didn't turn on. Open it up to find everything fried.
Askeee: You keep your computer in a cupboard? If properly ventilated, that sounds like some kind of major defect, if not, yeah you fried it :(
chuffo: Basically, I have a small desk unit (where the PC is kept) that you close when you aren't using it to free up space and make everything neat. When I close the desk up I shove my mouse and keyboard in and in front of the moniter which sits at the back wall of the desk. I had never left it on over night so I had no idea that the desk/cupboard would get overly hot. Nevertheless, I fucked up bad.
| 3 | 10 | |
1345760853 | 1346259197 | t3_ypyfv | t5_2to41 | 18 | ortega792: TIFU because I sold my iphone and all the money I received was counterfeit.
Edit: If you want to know I sold the phone for $245. And I don't have any actual information on the guy because I found out shortly after he was texting me from an ipod.
Edit 2: The bank (Chase) took the money and I no longer have any of it.
Kittyginochko: Did you file a police report?
ortega792: No only because I feel like it's not going to help anything.
Kittyginochko: But it won't hurt anything? Or if you're still on a contract, you can say it was stolen, which it technically was. You'd be better off reporting it though because 1) you have their contact info and 2) they have your phone, and perhaps it could be tracked.
When technology is involved, all is not lost.
EDIT: I can't spell.
ortega792: Yeah, I guess I just don't care enough. It's one of those situations where I'm thinking "he got me good. I can respect that." and then I let him ride of into the sunset.
cbs_: Then why did you post here?
ortega792: because I did fuck up. It's just that I'm not going to spend my time being upset and angry about.
NarwhalAttack: for $245? you're either the biggest bitch I've ever met or you're rich as fuck.
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1345774773 | 1345776101 | t3_yqclm | t5_2to41 | 2 | OrangeMonkeyee: TIFU by overheating and sitting on my toilet I barfed in my sink
I overheated myself today by working outside, and inhaled dinner fast, then worked more and had a slurpee. overheated, came home, and threw up in my sink while sitting on my toilet (it's that close). Had to plunger that shit down and had puke water slosh out.
lordskelic: At least shit wasn't a factor.
OrangeMonkeyee: Well, if you want to really know, I started shitting and the smell hit me and triggered the final heave ho on the barf. I was totally over heated though so I was probably gonna puke eventually maybe. but yeah enjoy more details of misery
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1345800041 | 1345842855 | t3_yqgrt | t5_2to41 | 95 | Ninja_Guin: That's because you didn't break both your arms ;)
[deleted]: Aww man, that story has got to go. :/
Weird feelings.
Khalexus: Took me a second, but I remember now. I feel... uncomfortable.
ApolloHimself: I don't get it.
Khalexus: Kid had both arms broken (or something to that effect), and his mother one day offered to help him jerk off until his arms healed. One day she moved to blow jobs, and eventually sex. This happened for a number of years, long after his arms were healed. His dad knew, and was fine with it. They had "code words" and everything, for going upstairs and getting their bonk on.
He did an ama about a month back or something.
PandaSandwich: You forgot to mention the part where it was bullshit
Khalexus: Was it? I must have missed that. Confirmed bullshit, or assumed?
PandaSandwich: Assumed. No way to provide proof, only other AMA of it's kind(sister incest) was faked.
Khalexus: Well, maybe it was fake maybe it wasn't. If it's assumed with no evidence either way, then we cannot know with certainty if it was faked. It COULD be. Then again he COULD have had sex with a giant reptilian bird in charge of everything. Can we be CERTAIN he didn't? No, so it's pointless to talk about.
Daydreamer99: link?
| 10 | 9.5 | |
1345779351 | 1345848478 | t3_yqhcg | t5_2to41 | 14 | Shane75776: Left my credit card info on my brothers xbox, he sold it to gamestop, someone bought it and decided to buy themselves membership on my behalf.
ganymedesearat: Call up the credit card company and see what they can do about it.
Shane75776: Luckily I was able to get onto my brothers profile online at xbox.com and cancel the subscription and remove my credit card information. I contacted the microsoft support and they are giving me a full refund and locking the account.
That being said, I think I dodged a bullet. I'm just glad I wont need to get the cc company involved and I really dont want to go through the hassle of suing gamestop, even if I could come out ontop, just not worth the time, especially over just $10.
Im just glad they didnt buy a ton of other stuff while they were at it.
ganymedesearat: That's a good win for you. I got my cc information stolen once, and Visa called me up the next morn before I had even checked my balance, and they killed it fast. It was really nice.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1345808305 | 1345810797 | t3_yqz6o | t5_2to41 | 73 | throwawaycousin5: Had sex with my cousin
FreeFlood: Kill your cousin and hide the corpse
[deleted]: got your inspiration from OP's username?
oh god what were the first four..
| 3 | 24.333333 | |
1345816050 | 1345843629 | t3_yr4e6 | t5_2to41 | 34 | PeterLouis: TIFU by taking someone's "advice".
This is my first post here on Reddit. My friend Chris said that I fucked up bad when I told him what I did. So Reddit, here's how I fucked up.
Yesterday, I went with my girlfriend to go to a club. (Note: She's a Christian so she doesn't want to have sex until after marriage.) When we got there, I told her that she could have some fun and that I'll drive her home so that we didn't have to pay for a cab. I decided to sit down by the bar and read a book on my iPhone, waiting my girlfriend to return.
A couple minutes later, (maybe 45 minutes?) I saw my friend Danny walking toward me. He was sober (at the time) and we stroke up a conservation. Then he asked me a question that is important to this story.
"Hey Peter, why aren't you drinking?"
"Me and my girlfriend are here together. I told her I was driving so I can't be drunk." He nodded his head, then thought for a moment.
"What about if I drive you to home? You can just let loose and do whatever the hell you want," he offered. I thought about for a minute. I told him that I was okay being the driver. Then he sat next to me and come closer.
"Peter, take *my advice*. If you just do one drink, I promise that I won't drink. Just to get you two home." It didn't sound like advice. It sounded more like a promise. But I accepted his offer and got a beer. He told me that he didn't want me to get a *weak drink* and got me a shot of vodka. I chugged it down. And then another. And then another. And then another.....
I woke up in an unfamiliar room. Not only that, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend. I was happy that I didn't sleep next to some random chick. But then, I got more freaked out then ever. *She was naked. And so was I.* I quietly put on my clothes that were on the floor and went to see where I was. I saw that I was in a hotel. I also saw Danny come out of the room next to mine.
"Danny!? What the hell happened! You were supposed to drive me home!" I yelled. The yelling echoed across the hallway, giving me a headache. This was a sign of a hangover. He shushed me and pressed his ears against his head.
"You don't have to yell! Listen Peter, I got us a cab and we came to this hotel. And you fucking horny bastard couldn't keep your hands and lips off of your girlfriend! So I gave you a condom." I quickly checked my pockets. He was right. He **did** give me a condom. But the condom was still unused. *I didn't use the fucking condom!*
So when I got home with my girlfriend, she was kinda pissed at me. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day. And right now, she's **still** not talking to me.
So I told my friend Chris about my story and he told me that I really fucked up. (I did.)
So Reddit, I want this to be a lesson to you.
**Never** get drunk at a club or have sex without protection. If you have done so, just be glad that you didn't fuck up like I did.
dcb720: Was she drunk too? Because drunkenness is condemned in the Bible just like fornication is. Also, maybe find a lawyer because rape charges could be headed your way.
scvbari: Not sure if trolling or serious -_-
dcb720: Ask this again in /r/mensrights.
Daydreamer99: There was no witnesses she could have mounted him after he passed out for all we know.
dcb720: Exactly, but what will the courts presume? Rape is an evil crime, and I have ZERO sympathy for rapists. But sometimes drunk sex isn't rape, but if a woman says that it was, the guy could end up in jail.
Daydreamer99: Only evidence she could have is if she went straight to the police and got I believe it's a rape test done? not sure what it's called. Even if that proves positive it doesn't prove she didn't consent. She can claim what ever she wants but with out proof she doesn't have much. best case situation would be if he had a history of violence/sexual assault or was previously accused of rape.
| 7 | 4.857143 | |
1345817784 | 1345818734 | t3_yr60s | t5_2to41 | 2 | scumbaggf: TIFU by pouring mango juice over someone's death certificate...
So, me and my partner are off to the Paralympics next Friday afternoon to see the Goalball. I had a look on the website over lunch and saw they had tickets for the athletics at 10am. I added two to my basket and got a little over excited when the 'reserving' screen came up, so much so that I had a little spaz out and knocked my juice bottle flying. I work in a law firm and so quite often have pretty important documents all over the place!
Turns out, I now have sticky hands, my jumper is soaked, I stink, my keyboard is sticky AND we didn't get the tickets!
matty8888: And death certificates are a huge pain in the ass to get. If your office called me and told me something "happened" to the death certificate and you all needed another one I would be less than happy.
scumbaggf: Indeed, its not exactly the easiest thing for people to deal with in the first place, let alone when we need 'duplicates' of the original!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1345820751 | 1345865853 | t3_yr8vr | t5_2to41 | 1,108 | jaaaaaaack: TIFU by accidentally punching a baby in the face.
Just another beautiful morning, so I thought at first. Then, some relatives dropped over for a visit.
Me, being the most unsocial person in the family, decides to sleep in a little more, since I have no idea who these relatives are, and I don't really want to say hello to them.
So there I am, sleeping on a thin mattress on the floor, when someone yanks my hair. I ignore it, thinking that it's my little sister, trying to be annoying. But the yanking continues, so in my sleep-ridden state, I toss my hand backwards and my palm collides with something squishy. And then I hear crying.
Enter me, apologising profusely to my aunt's cousins' sister's mother or something and her bawling two-year-old son that I've just accidentally hit in the face.
**tl;dr**: who doth awaken the beast shalt pay in tears.
[deleted]: Who in their right mind lets their baby wander into someones room while they are sleeping. That baby deserved to get slapped! how old was the ankle biter anyways?
FishCustard: Yup. Kid had it coming.
da_man_made_of_bread: Yea man, 2 year olds are dicks. (serious statement)
StaplerFingers: My 2 year old sister is the bossiest person I have ever met. Spoiled brat cries if you dont do what she wants. My other sister was better at that age, but enjoyed hitting me in the nuts.
[deleted]: At two? That's bad parenting. I have a two year old daughter who is an angel.
awkwardbabble: Everyone thinks their own children are angels, just sayin'.
[deleted]: And yet some actually are!
PandaSandwich: Like your daughter?
[deleted]: Wow downvotes because people don't know a damn? Tifu is full of lousy fools.
PandaSandwich: What don't we know? That your daughter is perfect and angelic?
[deleted]: Aw. Thank you!
[deleted]: you are not actually very clever, sir or madame.
[deleted]: I'm not a novelty account either. Just a name, sir.
[deleted]: I didn't say you were a novelty account, sir or madame. And it's madame, for future reference.
[deleted]: Apologies! Assumptions over the internet are about as bad as assumptions in real life.
| 16 | 69.25 | |
1345829534 | 1379971310 | t3_yridm | t5_2to41 | 2,528 | tifuohno: TIFU by falling asleep while watching porn.
This happened 2 days ago, but I digress. And throwaway because the involved person in this story is a redditor and I would like them to never think or read about this scenario ever again.
2 nights ago I get home from work and ask my roommate if she wants to go for a drive to pick up some groceries. I'm pretty tired so I tell her I'm going to nap for an hour and then we can go, and she agrees.
While I'm nestled into my bed, nature calls and I decide to grab my laptop in order to fulfill my animalistic desires. I find some good porn and begin to fap (or shlick? whatever girl fapping is). I finish happily, and I'm super exhausted. The porn is still going on but I say fuck it and just close my eyes..
I wake up to the sound of someone opening my bedroom door, and I'm so shocked by the fact that my bare ass is facing the door and I have lesbian fetish porn on my laptop a foot away from my face, that the only thing I can do is just pretend to still be sleeping.
I hear my roommate gasp and say "SHIT" and closes the door really quietly. I wait a long ass minute before getting up and collecting myself at the situation that has just occurred.
I then went upstairs and acted like I didn't know it happened, and so did she.
**TLDR** I fell asleep after masturbating to porn and my roommate came to wake me up, catching a full view of my bare ass and vagina as well as fetish lesbian porn on the laptop next to my face. We are pretending it didn't happen.
MyDirtyDirtySecrets: So, are you a lesbian? Bi? Or is this just what you consider fapping material?
tifuohno: I'm straight, a bit bi-curious. I've been in threesomes with other girls before if that counts. I just really like lesbian porn.
CaptainVulva: I've been trying to figure out how the roommate got the view she did... you fell asleep with your butt in the air, aimed at the door?
plazmatyk: A username never has been so relevant.
Saicotic: You're pretty late to the party.
plazmatyk: They say it's fashionable that way.
soapman5: Indeed?
plazmatyk: Quite.
DasWeasel: Si.
BarbarianGay: Precisely
Rizzpooch: What'd I miss?
humansd: Not a whole lot.
idonteatbigmacs: Good, then.
[deleted]: Super duper.
| 15 | 168.533333 | |
1345860733 | 1346031789 | t3_ysdc4 | t5_2to41 | 35 | IamPegasus: TIFU by thinking the lid was on my smoothie and shaking it
I was sitting at my computer drinking an odwalla smoothie and I set it next to me. Thinking the cap was screwed on I go to take a drink but I just had to shake it first. Smoothie went everywhere :( I got it all over my new dress and on my keyboard
broneal31: This reminds me of a similar event that happened back in high school. My friend was tossing a bottle of red fanta in the air during class. But at one point he misses the catch and I hear the bottle hit the floor and a few people giggling. Suddenly the teacher stops the lecture and starts staring at him. I look over to see a pool of red on the floor and then my eyes look up to find the ceiling dripping with fanta as well. And my friend manages to squeak out, "I thought it was closed."
TheCakeFlavor: Strawberry fanta? Eww.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1345869798 | 1345888513 | t3_ysl38 | t5_2to41 | 50 | tlf9888: TIFU by accidentally kicking my husband in the face.
We were sitting in bed watching tv and he decided to start a tickle fight. We were tickling back and forth and he got my foot, my feet are very ticklish and while he was tickling my left foot I was trying to get loose and accidentally kick him in the face right above his eye. Now I feel bad.
[deleted]: It's his fault. The only thing you fucked up was his ego.
tlf9888: His ego is still intact although it might be a bit bruised when he goes to work with a slight bruise.
[deleted]: For a man, that can be lethal. Give him lots of things with cream in it.
tlf9888: I'll be making pineapple upside down cake and cookies to take to work.
[deleted]: Now I'm hungry and I already ate all of my pie.... TIFU
tlf9888: Well, that's just sad.
[deleted]: It's ok, I'm already playing video games while drinking, so I'm on top of my sad quota for today.
tlf9888: Hey, me too!
[deleted]: Yo what game? I'm a total nerd so I'm doing dota 2.
tlf9888: I was on the Sims 3, getting the new one in 2 weeks, now I'm on some Bigfish seek and find game. My husband's Sky Rim is coming in the mail so I'll be playing that one too.
[deleted]: Skyrim is pretty fun but like the sims 3 is the shit. Don't let your sims die forreal
tlf9888: I know, I was playing yesterday and my Sim went to the park and got hit by a damn meteor, had to start at the last save point! I was pissed! I didn't even know that could happen. I'm getting the new Sims (Supernatural) on the 4th, it looks good, and then Season is coming out later.
No wonder EA is rich, they drain money form people!
[deleted]: You should check out valve. They get people to pay thousands of dollars for hats. It's really funny how that works out, the way people care about virtual reality as much physical reality. I guess it's cause our brains are adapted to like perception as opposed to reality, whatever what do I know.
Whiskey, you know?
tlf9888: I might, if I remember. And oh I know, whiskey is an old friend but tonight it's rum.
[deleted]: Rum and whiskey are good friends who won't admit to liking each other. I like to drink them but not on the same night. I can't imagine that you're drinking straight. I put dr. Pepper in my whiskey.
tlf9888: They are, but they never seem to get together, probably for the best though. And I'm taking shots of Captain. Jameson and Dr. Pepper is pretty good. Dr. Pepper also does a good job of covering up cheap whiskey if it's one of those nights.
[deleted]: I know what you mean. It's so late now, I'm feeling like sleeping, but I'm too busy having late night conversations with drunken people. It's like the crack of not wanting to sleep.
tlf9888: Exactly! It's 2:40 here and time just flies when you're drinking and Reddit-ing. I'm tired but sleep just does not work.
[deleted]: Jesus, it's almost 6 am here. Well, good night. Twas nice chatting.
tlf9888: You too!
| 21 | 2.380952 | |
1345912483 | 1345930322 | t3_yt739 | t5_2to41 | 188 | illdrawyourface: TIFU by forgetting the name of the woman that I am meeting for an interview this Tuesday.
She called and we set up the location and date to meet. I wrote down all the other information but not her name? Wtf brain seriously.
This is a really great opportunity with Young Rembrandts. I would be a teaching after school drawing classes to elementary school kids. We're meeting so she can see my art portfolio and talk about my past experience.
I dont know her name and I was already nervous about the meeting BEFORE I realized I didn't know her name and now it's WORSE. How do I handle this?
schfiftyfivers: Call back after office hours and you may get a voice-mail message that states her name.
illdrawyourface: She called me from her personal number. It was a good idea though.
4FingerFred: Just call her number from a pay phone or something and ask her name, hell get someone else to call her. There is like 50 different ways to solve this, I don't think you fucked up at all.
syscofresh: What is this 1992? Where the the hell is he gonna find a payphone?
wedsxcrfv: There's this app for iphone that gets you a throwaway number, burner or something?
| 6 | 31.333333 | |
1345915206 | 1345919492 | t3_yt9e1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | easybreezedaze: TIFU,Today i fucked up and ended my friends
with benifits
I am married and had a friend with benifits,it was the best time i ever had.I never had a man go dwn their until i met him.I dont want it to be over but i am having feelings for him
My_Empty_Wallet: guess you shouldnt have married the guy, you cheating cunt
easybreezedaze: After 12 yrs he never told me he dont like oral sex.I do, i am not a cunt,but i am frustrated with our sex life,i have told him i want oral sex he dont. so i had to go else where
My_Empty_Wallet: yes, god forbid you talk to him and explain how important it is to you. Your only option was to fuck someone else.
you're fucking retarded and a cunt.
[deleted]: settle down, life is never that clear-cut. let her post her story without getting shat on.
My_Empty_Wallet: Her story is she married a guy, spent twelve years with him and decided to fuck him over so she could get her clam nuzzled by someone else. Rather than do the right thing and talk to her man and work it out, or divorce him, she cheated on him.
[deleted]: i know; but after 12 years it is unlikely that that's all there is to it.
easybreezedaze: We both had problems with drinking and drugs all our lives now 12 yrs later both sober and drug free for the 12 yrs we were married.I think after the fog clears and u start to know who u are things change.I am finding out things about me.I have always been faith full.However he cheated 2x the 2nd time he got a std said he got it from getting a blowjob(i am not dumb).I dont think i was ever in love with him.We have helped each other in ways that no one else could have.Our sex life sucks.I wish i had the guts to get a divorce something i have to work on cause i am dying on the inside we both deserve to be happy
[deleted]: you certainly do. maybe a marriage counceling session would help? not necessarily to save your relationship (although, who knows), but to help communicate about how unhappy you (both) are and perhaps decide from there. good luck.
easybreezedaze: Thank you we are both good hard working people.i am not a cunt in anyway just going through some shit
| 10 | 1.1 | |
1345924081 | 1346458277 | t3_ythht | t5_2to41 | 277 | OneagainstOne: TIFU by pissing on my girlfriend's laptop while drunk.
Whenever I get absolutely shitfaced I tend to sleep walk. Last night while sleepwalking drunk I managed to enter my girlfriend's study, get on her work chair and piss all over her laptop. Needles to say she is **PISSED.**
mash3735: better for her to be pissed off than pissed on. like her laptop was.
andjok: I would rather have someone piss on me than my computer haha. Though I did spill chai tea on my laptop once and it didn't affect its performance...
Kirixis: You filthy hipster!
Jokes :)
andjok: Chai tea is hipster too now? Fuck.
A lot of people call me one these days, I might have to reevaluate my life...
Kirixis: Don't sweat it, I had the same thing happen to me. Just stop giving a fuck about what you wear, what you drink, etc. Worked out pretty well for me :3
andjok: Oh I already don't give a fuck, I was only joking. I'm not going to stop liking hipster stuff.
Kirixis: Nice.
| 8 | 34.625 | |
1345922560 | 1346381499 | t3_ytfz5 | t5_2to41 | 66 | Tgbtgbt: TIFU: By Fapping In Front Of a Window
Ok so it all started in my house. I was Browsing Reddit, when my horny ass mind decided it was a perfect time to fap. so i turned to /r/gonewild
and started faping. when i finished, i looked out side my window (my desk is right next to the window) and i saw KIDS PLAYING OUT SIDE (This is how i die)! I then realized that i should have closed the sheets on the window. I put on my clothes then took another peak out side. the kids were gone... Did they see me? I never went out side again.
TL;DR: Browsed Reddit, Fapped in front of kids, Posted it on reddit.
loserkid182: I hear you can order groceries online now, you can hide inside for the rest of your life, no need to be confronted by kids who saw you fapping!
Tgbtgbt: Thanks... I needed That... T_T
remag_toor: Unless the kids tell the postman...
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1345933808 | 1345954190 | t3_ytqwj | t5_2to41 | 77 | tarkoon: TIFU by riding my bike into a parked car
I should probably stop riding. This is the second time it's happened.
GreenHairyMartian: were you drunk? because, that'd be a decent excuse.
tarkoon: No, just daydreaming.
ConstableOdo: Want to hear something terrifying? I am unable to focus at speeds less than 65 miles an hour. If I am going slower, I am daydreaming.
tarkoon: I hope that you don't live in my town.
ConstableOdo: The numbers suggest I probably don't. I am actually a really good driver. I have never been in a wreck and I never get pulled over except at 2am at drunk driver checks. Funny enough, at 80 miles per hour I get this thing where it's like my brain and the world are in time and I don't have to try to focus. It's absolutely amazing. I wish I could experience it all the time.
| 6 | 12.833333 | |
1345935667 | 1346075757 | t3_ytsjn | t5_2to41 | 63 | Melongirl76: TIfu by letting my best friend see my reddit post.
So I unfortunately fucked up by letting my friend see a post of mine that got to the front page. While, unbeknownst to me, she looks at my username, remembers it and then looks it up on her own phone to snoop on my posts/comments. Anyways I've posted some to reddit, some embarrassing things that I've never wanted anyone I know to see including stuff about masturbation, anxious worries (this is a throwaway, you won't find much if you look), and one particular post about her dad whom I thought for years was trying to get with me. The only reason i posted that kind of stuff was to get some insight and give some insight, anonymously. So as you can imagine I was pretty embarrassed she had to see those things and above all learn the hard way that ive felt uncomfortable around her dad. So she talked to me about it saying that I was out of line about her dad (she didn't mention the stuff about the masturbating, sexual fantasies, ect) but she had to have seen them to see that post. Anyways so we talked it all put but it still makes me completely awkward feeling and uncomfortable to know that she knows WAY too much about me. So yeah, lesson to all, NEVER show your friends a post even if you are overly happy it made it to the front page.
pinksovjet: Sorry to hear that. I actually found one of my friends' accounts by recognizing a post (right here, even), that they made about a life event. I told them that I recognized them, and they even confessed that it was indeed their account, but I never bothered looking through their post/comment history.
I'm glad y'all sorted things out well enough. Could have been much worse. I'm sure it'll pass in time though. Hopefully.
[deleted]: it was the one about walking in on your roommate 'sleeping' after masturbating to lesbian porn, wasn't it.
pinksovjet: Haha, no, but I guess it would, hypothetically, be pretty cool.
NoAttentionAtWrk: >Haha, no, but I guess it would, hypothetically, be pretty hot
FIFY
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1345937511 | 1345976166 | t3_ytu59 | t5_2to41 | 8 | HawkScout: TIFU by opening the front door and getting talked into a sketchy deal by a sketchy guy.
I don't normally open the front door for various reasons when I'm not expecting anyone. But I woke up from a nap very disoriented to a knock on my door. He said free Newspaper delivered, and I like reading newspapers so I agreed. Now I'm worried that I have caused a security problem for my apartment, worse because my other roommate is a female friend.
Fuck.
brad1775: you just gave someone your check info and or bank card numbers didn't you. You need to call your bank and change all your info now. who the fuck delivers news papers anymore?? and the internet is where you woudl sign up for that anyways. it's a sad scam, because the people selling the subscriptions aren't always the ones using the credit card info, they might just be good at getting the info, and they get a sallary or whatever. but... you screwed up for sure. canel the method of payment, and call whatver the consumer credit reporting bureau you find on good and increase the level of security required for any credit use or acess.
electrophile91: Yep, depends what info you gave em. If payment info.. cancel it. If you told them when you're in/out... then... um.. stay in.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1345967532 | 1346157817 | t3_yugr8 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing my laptop with me to the bathroom to browse reddit, forgetting about it, using my smartphone to browse reddit, then deciding to post the story on TIFU, and then...
...I put off posting it until I left the bathroom because I forgot about the smartphone while wiping, and I wanted to use my laptop - which I again forgot was in the bathroom with me.
mudkip908: So you wiped your ass with your phone?
gyanos422: No he wanted to wipe his ass with his laptop..maybe he did wipe with phone..
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1345989917 | 1346029930 | t3_yupbe | t5_2to41 | 473 | coolestguy1234: TIFU by using super glue in attempt to pull out a broken headphone tip from my macbook headphone jack and continued fucking up by totally breaking my macbook and ruining the warranty.
This actually happened about 2 weeks ago, but the story finally came to an end yesterday. I was staying at my friends house for a month and I plugged in a set of her speakers and the tip got stuck in my headphone jack. The only way I could find a way to extract the piece of using super glue on a tip of a toothpick. The jack tip was now super glued in my mac book.
Few days go by, I'm drunk, I decided to shove a pick inside the headphone jack to try and break the jack off the motherboard. Now the motherboard is shorted out, my mac doesn't work, apple won't touch it at all, it will most likely cost me 1100+ to fix the 2300 mac book.
I was finally in a position where I was receiving alot of money that I was going to save and now I have to by a new mac book because I am a retard.
MandatorilyMatutinal: You could just buy a less overpriced laptop as a replacement?
coolestguy1234: i need the mac for final cut pro unfortunately. i would have never purchased the mac in the first place if i didn't need that damn program.
huniper: Here you go, now you won't overpay on hardware to run a certain program or operating system!
http://www.hackint0sh.org/
coolestguy1234: awesome, thank you
ConstableOdo: If you need help picking a laptop to do everything you need. Tell me and I will find you the best one for the best price. I help everyone I know buy computers.
I only offer to help you pick compatible laptops. Building laptops is not fun (Possible, not hard, but not fun) but with enough back and forth I can get the one with the right hardware. I do not offer to install Hackintosh or ever touch your computer. You will order it. It will be shipped to you. I hate being responsible for other people's things.
TheCakeBoss: Laptop that will last 5 years, $900 or less. Fast, with a good battery life.
ConstableOdo: http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16834246628
That was just the first laptop that sprang to mind on reading it. It should be enough... It's narrower than I would use myself, I prefer large screens with high resolutions, but then again I refuse to get a laptop for myself.
Not sure about this site, the webdeal thing seems a bit weird to me, but I see the same one for a lower price (869 vs 899). http://shop.lenovo.com/us/laptops/ideapad/y-series/y580
His need will be a bit more complicated because of the limited number of bits and biddles that work with Hackintosh.
TheCakeBoss: Can i get a laptop like that without the gfx card, and in canada?
ConstableOdo: What is wrong with the GPU? And just search for that specific computer, The Lenovo y580 and find somewhere that will ship to Canada. You'll get better prices online, usually.
TheCakeBoss: Its for my sister, she doesnt game.
ConstableOdo: What does she do? If she doesn't game she could get away with something much less powerful and much cheaper. Does she just surf the web and download/watch movies? Stuff like that? Because the one I linked was more for heavier use. I mean, if she is just doing internet and movies/music she probably only need 4GB memory, basic video processor, i3 or i5 intel instead of i7... I could probably find a new or new-looking refurb like that for 300 - 400 USD.
TheCakeBoss: Yes, an i5 will do. But it needs to last for 5+ years. She's only going to be buying new and they have to look pretty good.
ConstableOdo: Why does it have to look pretty good? I mean, a new one won't have any cosmetic damage. I won't look for a pink laptop with flowers for anyone or a trendy-ultra slim with chrome edges. I go purely for function. I can give you good ideas still.
Any computer can last 5+ years. We are using eight year old laptops at the office for basic things like internet and video. Just teach her how to maintain it and all will be well. I recommend the Piriform tools because they are light-weight and simple to use... A lot of people find them friendly.
Anyway. You said I5 will do but if you want to go i3, this will do. http://www.microcenter.com/single_product_results.phtml?product_id=0396869
For an i5, I would go with this. Upgrading the memory can extend the life of a computer quite a lot...
http://www.microcenter.com/single_product_results.phtml?product_id=0383136
I am not saying buy from that site, by the way. You can shop around. That is just the pre-built laptop I would suggest.
TheCakeBoss: 19 years old, she wanted a mac, but the price point is too damn high. That pavilion looks pretty good though. Thanks for your help :).
ConstableOdo: No problem. Macs are always too expensive. The pavilion will be good for her, I think. If it starts to chug a couple years down the line just pop it open and add some memory. That one was picked because it goes up to 16 GB.
| 16 | 29.5625 | |
1346000163 | 1346023567 | t3_yuwla | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving a Lamborghini...
Chakote: Good story. I know it's tacky and tasteless to post the old "you deserved it" standby, being as this subreddit is called "today I **fucked up**", but yeah.... you deserved it, man.
elmfuzzy: He deleted it, what was the story?
Chakote: Basically he had to repo the car but, during the process, he "test drove" it and got a severe speeding ticket. He then got royally chewed out by his boss and was reassigned to the poor district, which I gather is essentially like a huge demotion.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1346017947 | 1346022821 | t3_yvd61 | t5_2to41 | 12 | TomSpookShand: TIFU - got beat up
Not much to tell, got punched in the balls by friend so later that day I went full on Mike Tyson uppercut mode on his balls. He didn't see the funny side in this and he was angry so he hooked me in the side of my chest and head butted me in the nose. In my confusion I asked him if he was okay haha. By the way me and him have been friends since we were four, he was angry at something and I was just the first guy there so I forgiven him instantly. But I didn't fall down which I'm proud of because I don't pride myself in being able to defend myself and this kid's a boxer.
Daiephir: getting punched in the balls by someone who was previously angry denotes the guy isn't a friend, next time you see him, brass knuckles to the face.
TomSpookShand: I honestly do understand what you're saying, but if you knew our friendship and how we normally are to each other on a regular basis then you'd get why I'm still very good friends with him. Besides, in the moment it honestly didn't even hurt, all I had was a nosebleed ad a headache. If he'd have broken my nose or something then yeah.
Daiephir: I'm gonna trust your judgement on this one, but I dont punch friends with the intent of hurting them, nor do they, it's not really friendship then IMO.
TomSpookShand: To be honest, I class him as a different sort of friend than my others. He's not a guy I'd go to for relationship advice, he'd be the guy I'd go to if I had to deal with a jealous ex boyfriend haha. He's got a quick temper but that's why we love him!
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1346028418 | 1346395952 | t3_yvn7l | t5_2to41 | 164 | Albuyeh: TIFU by killing a bird with my RC Plane
I flew my RC Plane for the first time in a few months today. It took me a while before I got into the swing of things but in no time I was flying perfectly. Well my flight took a turn for the worse when a bird attacked my plane and hit the propeller. Both the bird and the plane immediately fell to the ground, but unlike the bird, my plane still lives ;_;
[deleted]: When I was younger I had one of those Airhogs planes that you can't really control, just pump it full of air and throw it... One thing lead to another and my dog had to go to the vet.
Johnsu: Poor Colby.
tim67: Please link me or something about colby. I'm so lost right now.
twb2k8: Search sodomise on askreddit. Don't ask. Just do it - Nike
chadextrabacon: HAHAHA! Not *that* post!
pzbogo: i cant find it
chadextrabacon: Try adding keyword "hairbrush."
| 8 | 20.5 | |
1346035150 | 1346050917 | t3_yvtuj | t5_2to41 | 7 | bofh420_1: TIFU - I was an asshole to 3 teens at the MN State Fair
I was walking the were walking we bumped into each other and I spilled some diet coke. I apologize for my behavior that happened next. I accused them of not looking where they were going and now I had DC on me and my hand, big deal. I said stupid shit and walked away slipping them off.
Guys I am sorry. I have no excuse or explanation of my behavior. You said you were sorry I treated you like crap. Please accept my apology.
Guy in green shirt with ice blue lensed Oakleys.
NotAnybody: Wut.
thefidlerontheroof: i agree
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1346046532 | 1346692962 | t3_yw3w2 | t5_2to41 | 334 | [deleted]: TIFU and got Poison Oak on my Dick (NSFW)
We've all dealt with poison oak or ivy. I had the misfortune of dealing with poison oak. I recently moved and my backyard had a shit load of leaves lying around at least 2 seasons worth. I decided to rake the yard in shorts and sandals. I found out one day there was poison oak because I got a rash on my legs. The next day I went out there in the dirt in my socks I naturally took my socks off before I entered the house and put them on my clothes pile. The same day I decided to have some sexy time. Well when the moment arrived for me I grabbed one of my socks that I had taken off and used it to keep the moment clean. It was only til the next day when I woke up at 3 with a massive need to scratch that I realized I had sexy time on a poison oak covered sock. So now my dick looks like a worm out of the movie "tremor" only really wrinkly and beat red.
TL;DR TIFU by inadvertently getting poison oak on my dick and causing it to swell 3 times its size.
Update
I'm going to the clinic now because its starting to swell worse.
Update 2: I got some tecnu and its helping. Apparently your supposed to wash with cold water when you have the rash I was using hot water and it made it worse, which is where the swelling came into play.
Heres a diagram of before poison oak and what it looks like now
Its drawn I'm not putting pictures of my dick online.
http://imgur.com/fEu21
Penny_is_a_Bitch: It swells to three times its size? Anybody know if poison oak comes in a lotion?
Wait, you jerked off with your sock? Is that what you're saying? Do people actually do that?
aporcelaintouch: Still not as bad as the cumbox.
NoAttentionAtWrk: nothing is as bad as the cumbox.... well maybe jolly ranchers... or maybe Doritos with dip....but this, nope. not even close
InsanityPrelude: Lots of things are worse than the cumbox... *especially* Doritos.
NoAttentionAtWrk: sigh... i am going to regret this...
like what?
InsanityPrelude: Well, Doritos, for one thing.
There was also that story a couple weeks ago with the lady who'd been injecting drugs through her taint...
NoAttentionAtWrk: wow
gef21: Oh, and Mr. CumsInBottles who visits 4chan every Christmas to show his collection of bottles he's cum into. And 4chan. And Goatse. And Scat. And Japan. And Golden Showers. And Bukkake. And Hentai. And Japan. And Rice Krispies Disease (Google it). *And many mooore*
NoAttentionAtWrk: i knew about all except Rice Krispies disease .... google wasn't help
gef21: Yeah, there's also /r/nsfl, for the gore.
NoAttentionAtWrk: No. I am NOT going back there!
gef21: I quite like it, not much can scare me on the internet now, even that askreddit thread about the weirdest tings on the internet, everyone I showed felt ill, I thought it was cool.
NoAttentionAtWrk: thats not really a good thing
gef21: It kinda is, until I start feeling ill.
| 15 | 22.266667 | |
1346042829 | 1346083390 | t3_yw11z | t5_2to41 | 31 | jengerbread: TIFU by accidently knocking a glass of water onto a friend'a mac book.
I was slightly drunk but in all honesty I am extremely clumsy even when I'm sober. I moved my arm or leg too fast and BAM. A glass of water knocked over and his macbook turned off. I am already in a shit ton of debt with medical bills and credit card bills and I am barely living paycheck to paycheck. Well, we can add this to my debt. I started crying and insisted to my boyfriend that we leave now. We cleaned up our board game pieces and his roommate, who happens to be a giant sweet heart, keeps telling me to not worry about it. Well, fuck. I will not be beholden to any god damn one and I will not owe anyone any fucking thing....well except for the next two years...then I estimate that my debt will be gone.
[deleted]: It's gonna be OK. You wouldn't believe the sheer number of people who came into the Apple store after staying up all night to write a paper only to knock over some tea or something and short their laptop. Take it into the store. It may just be the display connector cord shorted. If there is water in the laptop have it drain on it's side.
jengerbread: Thank you for the kind words. He is letting it dry now and for 24 hrs and then is gonna try to turn it on. Do macs have a saftey feature that turns them off? Cause that's really what it seemed like happened. Ugh, I dunno but I'm really worried.
benbrooks: I'd let it dry out for longer than that before trying to turn it on if it were mine.
At least 48-96 hours near rice or silica gel to draw out all the moisture.
jengerbread: I just let him know that so we will see what happens. I forgot about the rice thing.
benbrooks: I accidentally left one of my camera lenses in my bag while it was raining once, the thing was literally swimming and all of the electronics in it were obviously not working. It took over a week sat in rice to get it working again. I just made sure to not put any electricity through it before I was 100% sure it was bone dry.
Hope it helps :)
jengerbread: Thank you. I have let him know. Ugh, hope it works though :/
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1346051238 | 1346090707 | t3_yw6rr | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a female friend that I essentially have social anxiety and low self esteem
We all know how the more attractive the girl is, the stupider we (guys) sound.
I don't remember what lead up to this part of the conversation, but I told her that I have low self esteem issues and I think that I'm not good looking.
Consider all chances of me getting with her=gone because of that comment.
That's how I fucked up today.
helixase0: what? how does that end chances with her at all? because you didn't lie and pretend to be some overly confident narcissistic asshat? All women aren't attracted to one kind of guy, because believe it or not most people are not that 2 dimensional.
frenchfrieskl: Yeah but I imagine being very unconfident isn't very attractive either
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1346065537 | 1346094778 | t3_ywcr1 | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU at first by putting a bird out of it's misery.
Sunday morning, let the cat out and into the garden like a normally do, I start watching Batman TAS. Not 5 mins later, the cat comes running back into the house, and drops a fucking life bird at my feet.
I believed it was a house martin, really small birds, and quick. Me and the cat started to chase it around the living room, and the cat caught it and started clawing at it.
I went nuts and slapped the cat a couple of times, just trying to save this poor bird, but the damage was done and it's wing was half ripped off and was bleeding at the neck.
I did the only thing I could do, and took it outside, popped it's neck, and it died a few seconds later. I've always been a lover not a fighter, but growing up on a farm I knew about animal deaths and how to put them down if needed, but I was still saddened.
My girlfriend comes downstairs an hour later, and instinctively knows something is up, and I start telling her what happened, she goes **FUCKING APE SHIT**, starts shouting at me about how I let this bird into the house, dirty little vermin she screams, there are a couple of feathers lying around and she gets red in the face and animated.
She asks what happened to the bird, and I tell her I put it out of its misery, **FUCKING APE SHIT AGAIN**!!!! How can you put such a poor defenceless creature down? You fucking monster! Why didn't you take it to the vets or nurse it back to health you fucking nazi?
To cut a long story short, I popped my girlfriends neck.
Today I fucked up.
DJRobOwen: I really need some advice here u guiz, wat do i do with the body?
thetoastmonster: The female human body will take some time to decompose, but there are many things you can do to help speed up the process.
This site seems to have some good answers for disposing of her: http://www.quora.com/Crime/Whats-the-best-way-to-dispose-of-a-body
DJRobOwen: Fanx bruh.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1345965841 | 1346086100 | t3_yug14 | t5_2to41 | 2 | AnnieOakley: TIFU when I decided I was too old for a back woods drunks fest and then seriously sprained my ankle walking back to the to the car.
Well the title pretty much sums it up... icing my ankle now, watching it turn color and feeling REALLY old.
NoAttentionAtWrk: avoiding "back woods drunks fest" doesnt mean you are too old for them...it means you are more mature.... HUGE difference
AnnieOakley: Thank you and good point! Though as I lie here icing my sausage foot I wonder if I would have been better off being immature and irresponsible?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1346089232 | 1346090283 | t3_ywvwm | t5_2to41 | 3 | Thrashlee: TIFU- My partner cheated by sexually assaulting a girl a few months ago and has just been served.
Ok, I've been with my partner for a year and a half, we've had our ups and downs but now I am pregnant we decided to really work on making a go of our relationship. I have been living with him and his christian as fuk parent's, and yesterday morning I awoke to the front door. He asked me to go get it because he was playing Lol. It was a police officer looking for him. I go and get him, thinking it must be a traffic violation or something. He comes back inside, in tears and I immediately hug him, comfort him and assure him it's all going to be fine and we'd get through what ever this was. Then he showed me the charge. He is being charged with sexual assault. His whole christian family knew about it, and didn't tell me. They knew he'd have court and everything. I couldn't believe it, we had been doing so well, and then THIS. I'm extremely pregnant with his child, I have no where to really go and his first hearing is reallllly close to my due date. I don't know what to do, Reddit. I would NEVER cheat on him, but he would always accuse me of it, so I guess that makes sense. He keeps saying that he's not guilty and he thought we had broken up. Even if we had(we hadn't), it would have been like, days after the fact.
TLDR- My fiancee/baby daddy sexually assaulted a girl months ago, didn't tell me and I found out the hard way- through the cops.
[deleted]: Eh, its just rape. No real big deal anymore.
Thrashlee: He didn't fuck her, he said he "Couldn't get hard".
[deleted]: Hmm...
Well, I don't know what to say to that one. Did she get pissed that he couldn't 'rise to the occasion' and call the cops on him for it? It might not be anything, but if you guys were apart, you were apart. I would just wait and see what happens.
Thrashlee: We weren't apart though, I worked the dates out. He went to the police first, because he thought she was going to. I guess I'm just really bummed he cheated on me while I'm carrying his child and wasn't even smart enough to cheat properly. That and it feels like his whole family betrayed me by keeping it from me, even though they knew he was getting charged.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1346091885 | 1346335644 | t3_ywyr0 | t5_2to41 | 163 | monicacpht3641: TIFU by losing my wedding ring.
Actually, it was yesterday. I went to work as usual, and on my drive home I noticed I was missing the engagement ring part of my wedding set. It must have slipped off of my finger at some point during the day. I've been searching high and low for it, and can't find it anywhere. Hubby isn't as mad as I thought he'd be, but I'm absolutely heartbroken.
xkranda: You never know...it may turn up. My husband lost his wedding ring while camping...turns out in a moment of absentmindedness, he put it in his wallet "as not to lose it."
I hope yours turns up!
Captain_Hammertoe: Hah. My brother's is still at the bottom of a lake, as far as we know. Slipped off while fishing.
[deleted]: And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost. History, became legend. Legend, became myth. And for two and a half ~~thousand~~ years, the ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, the ring ensnared a new bearer. The ring came to the creature TrolltasticLogic, who took it deep into the tunnels under the Reddit Servers, and there it consumed him.
TR-BetaFlash: on a scale of 1 to 10, how precious would you rate said ring?
[deleted]: 10/10, would kill for again.
TR-BetaFlash: so that means we are looking for a really confused/scared homicidal little guy hanging out in the BART tunnels below San Francisco. this is the only way we shall get the ring back.
[deleted]: Man... that's a pretty large population to check.
| 8 | 20.375 | |
1346092914 | 1346184444 | t3_ywzw4 | t5_2to41 | 629 | SPAZZEH: TIFU by forgetting to delete my sexual pics on my phone and opening my picture media during class
CrossEyedPanda: Pic or it didn't happen.
SPAZZEH: I'll upload tonight. It's almost as big as my wrist.
[deleted]: [OP will surely deliver...](http://i.qkme.me/3ox50h.jpg)
SPAZZEH: Unfortunately, I like cats. So I'll feed you.
http://i.imgur.com/W6148.jpg
folxify: [I got this](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6skp9fpMe1rn8en9.gif)
SPAZZEH: Indeed it is! Like I said, almost as big as my wrist.
notarapist72: How Long isit?
SPAZZEH: 6.9-7"
[deleted]: Is this a math problem?
[deleted]: wouldn't that be -1,9
[deleted]: Yes, unless by "." he mean * either way I would of still been wrong. This correct answer would be 6*9-7 = 47.
He has a 47" Penis
[deleted]: Where did you get the 69 from?
Its 6,9-7
6,9
notice the comma between the 6 and 9.
[deleted]: Sorry, formatting issue when I used *
I fixed it.
| 14 | 44.928571 | |
1346105950 | 1346179514 | t3_yxe8t | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU Well Actually Tequilla Did
Well basically for the last month I've been on a trip/vacation thing, visiting family in South Africa. I was born here, but i live in Vancouver, Canada. Anyways so i've liked this girl for a while, i chat her up every night, shes fucking awesome. we hung out a couple times before i left, but didnt get much time to hang out seeing as we met 2 weeks before i left. We both clearly like each other and all that, and when i get back in october I was going to ask her out, but didnt want to do it before i was gone, or while i was gone, because thats not fair....
And then tequilla happened....
So my friend here in South Africa was having a surprise birthday party for her 21st - it was a tequilla themed party. So anyways at this party im getting my drank on, and [shaking a hoof or two with some friends](http://i.imgur.com/6lEXs.gif) and i eventually get home at god knows what time, and guess what this dumb muhfucker does. I went on facebook.
So this girl is online, and i start chatting with her, told her i was drunk from the getgo, and was reading whatever she was saying and then the "just one tequilla for the road" kicked in... i went full retard. and you never go full retard. I told her that i wanted to start seeing her when i get back, blahblahblahblah ive liked you for a while blahblahblahblahblah sorry for not being romantic blahblahblahblahblah and then i ended it off with saying 'god feels good to say that....thank raptor jesus for tequila'...****
****Nearly nothing was spelt correctly, at all.
TIFU (well actually it was 2 days ago)
But the good part about it is that she actually liked it, and was dying me to ask her for a month... i guess we were on different wavelengths a bit but [oh well](http://www.myfacewhen.net/uploads/165-everything-went-better-than-expected.png)
Also this is my first legitimate post on reddit so please go easy...I cant lurk forever... If this gets enough upvotes and comments i'll show the gruesome evidence for everyone to lol at the worlds worst way of asking someone out.
**TL;DR** After a horrendously drunken tequila night I, currently in a different continent for the next month, asked a girl, who I liked since before I left for South Africa, out. I could have shat myself if it turned out badly, but [everything went better than expected](http://www.myfacewhen.net/uploads/165-everything-went-better-than-expected.png) and TIDFU.
[deleted]: Maybe this subreddit actually stands for Tequila, I fucked u.
KKKFC: [whoa...](http://mlkshk.com/r/DBLT)
skatterbug: [dude!](http://i.imgur.com/Wi9J8.png)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1346111118 | 1346173427 | t3_yxjq6 | t5_2to41 | 295 | [deleted]: TIFU By having explosive diarrhoea... In a public shower
So it's bank holiday Monday, why not take the tent down to the campsite and stay for a night, after all I start work at 12 tomorrow! At the time this was a great idea, until I fucked up...
So in campsites there are public toilets and showers. No on a bank holiday Monday a lot of people will be camping, and use said public showers, so many people in fact people were waiting to use one of the showers. So I went with my friends, and we hosted an LMFAO party! It was great, so much food and party rocking! However after the party I felt quite sick, and had a small need to go poop, but only a SMALL urge to poop. So it's about 6, people are getting ready for the night. And so were we
We all went to clean out teeth and wash, I was first. Now I like lengthy showers, so that's what I had! However mid shower I felt a need, a need to poop, really bad now! But no, I was almost done. Just pick up the shower bell from the floo... PPHHHRRGGHHPPHHH. My anus exploded into a fiery mess, all over the wall, it was disgusting. And then the worst thing that could happen, happened.
In my attempts to clean the shower I slipped, lucky for me nothing got in my face, but my body had been soaked in a sloppy mess. So reddit, that is how I fucked up...
TIFUpdate: woo front page! And you guys wondering I was advised to leave, the showers wore closed and some poor cleaner had to clear up the mess, I payed extra money as an apology and my friends now call me Anus man...
DQEight: i can imagine standing outside waiting and hearing fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Aszuul: flrrrplprplprplplrrplrprrrrr
nomanoid: Your onomatopeic skills are evidently unmatched.
Aszuul: I am but a humble onomatopeter, doing my best to bring sounds to the eyes of the world.
| 5 | 59 | |
1346116718 | 1346206576 | t3_yxpm9 | t5_2to41 | 26 | blarghusmaximus: DIFU by telling my boss, "Please don't question my integrity again." ?
BulbasaurLvl99: Damn, I don't know. Whenever someone writes a text that upsets me I usually respond with "?" to push the other person to explain it further.
[deleted]: i hate it when people just text me "?". So lazy. Ask me what you want to know, don't make me guess what the problem is.
[deleted]: How about trying explaining yourself clearly? I think if I got a text from my *boss* just saying "bullshit" I'd be wondering what was up, too. OP probably fucked up, though. Shouldn't have texted that last bit.
[deleted]: > How about trying explaining yourself clearly?
If I thought I wasn't clear, maybe. But the odds are that I already said it as I wanted to, and don't know what's wrong with it. The other person wants clarification so it's up to him/her to put in the effort for it, not sit back and say 'write me an essay.'
BulbasaurLvl99: Life is rough sometimes but you just got to keep on keeping on.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1346099865 | 1346223192 | t3_yx7ke | t5_2to41 | 30 | dorilysaldaran: TIFU by brewing my espresso coffee with water and vinegar.
Yesterday I decided to clean my espresso machine, so after using the specific powder I did a second run with water and vinegar. This morning I totally forgot the tank could still contain some vinegar, and I proceeded to brew my coffee.
This is how the [coffee looked] (http://i.imgur.com/p9T1w.jpg), but the way the milk curded wasn't enough of a clue, I simply thought I had lost a biscuit in the dunking process. I didn't notice about the taste until the first sip, which occurred after many biscuits were already been dunked and eaten. Utterly disgusting...
wrenchfucker: /r/coffee would get a kick out of this.
dorilysaldaran: I don't want to freak them out hehe.
| 3 | 10 | |
1346130007 | 1346369953 | t3_yy39h | t5_2to41 | 130 | [deleted]: Tifu by liking a bikini picture of a friend on Facebook.
Today I was going through a female friends picture albums on Facebook. I obviously wasn't planning on liking/commenting on anything, but i must have accidentaly liked a very revealing picture of my friend in a tight bikini. Now, another girl has realized I did this, and messaged me to let me know that I did this. At this point both girls basically think I was creeping through their personal photos.
awkwardbabble: I may be a little bit defective in this department, but why would it be creepy to "like" the photo... I mean, she posted it right? What's the difference in one of her girlfriends "liking" it as compared to you, a guy friend?
(I'm a woman btw. and if I put a pic of that nature up, I really wouldn't think twice about any of my guy friends "liking" it. I'd only balk at any creeper comments/messages... but then again, I'd half deserve 'em considering the fact that I'd put up a revealing picture, no?)
cdcii: ...so, you have boobs? Boobs are nice. I like to pour chocolate syrup on them...
...IS WHAT A CREEPER WOULD SAY...
...*shifty eyes...
TheSteaky: ಠ\_ಠ
cdcii: wat? I was... extrapolating... yeah, that's the ticket...
TheSteaky: http://i.imgur.com/Agci8.gif
cdcii: She got the funny, so...
http://tvrecappersanonymous.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/finn-head-nod.gif%3Fw%3D500%26h%3D282
| 7 | 18.571429 | |
1346133566 | 1346189353 | t3_yy61z | t5_2to41 | 139 | mezzizle: TIFU by scratching my balls in front of my boss..... and her 10 year old daughter.
So my new job is going door to door asking people to vote, sorry if they bother you but I am only doing this because I REALLY needed a job and this job pays great. Any who we are a democratic office and my boss is a muslim woman from New York and she had her daughter there after my shift. The office is inside a garage, kind of weird. To explain it better there is a huge garage door and half of it is empty garage space. The other half, the office, is separated by a wall which has a door and your inside the office. Well that wall has windows and I really needed to scratch down there because it was hot and when my balls get really sweaty they sweat. Well I did not notice her and her daughter looking at me through the window and when I turned in my roster I pretended that she didn't look and it was just extremely awkward.
potatoesmcgee: > when my balls get really sweaty they sweat
irrelephant_canuck: I came here to say the same thing!
[deleted]: Me to!1
[deleted]: You're not funny!1
[deleted]: Woah, really?
[deleted]: For realzies
[deleted]: zomg I'm sew sorrie
| 8 | 17.375 | |
1346138504 | 1346199329 | t3_yy92b | t5_2to41 | 28 | squidsqueg: TIFU by kicking my boyfriend in the manlyparts while mounting his motorcycle :(
both of us cried a little. my ninja kick was a little too enthusiastic.
bahnbrecher: How does this even work? Was he already sitting there or was he standing beside it?
squidsqueg: He was standing beside it, apparently without survival instinct. Or I'm just that fast. Either way, it was horrible and we haven't had sex yet.
Daydreamer99: You haven't had sex yet so you kick him in the, "manlyparts"?
squidsqueg: No, you misunderstand. We haven't screwed since I kicked him, what with concern for delicacy.
Daydreamer99: ahh you sound much more considerate now :P
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1346127503 | 1346186834 | t3_yy13e | t5_2to41 | 23 | My_Cool_Name: TIFU'd my Nexus 7
It's simple. I was playing CS:GO on my desk, with my phone and Nexus 7 on my desk. I go to grab the phone, pushed my nexus off of the table and into the ground, cracking the screen in the process. The worst part? My case comes in tomorrow.
Dadasas: I doubt the case would have done anything but ruin the look of the beautiful Nexus 7.
EndHumanity: But it probably would have done well to protect the screen from breaking, which is something I'd personally be more concerned over.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1346185771 | 1346213053 | t3_yzasv | t5_2to41 | 80 | jesselikesfood: TIFU by blowing a tire over a mile down a forest road and almost causing my mechanic to throw out his back
So it's been a rough week for me, having to get college payments in, moving, as well as my grandfather passing away last sunday (prompting a sudden drive to Tennessee from my Northern Michigan home and seeing my mother more upset than I've ever seen).
My girlfriend and I were driving my dad's Jeep Cherokee, I drive a small four door, so I was borrowing it to help move my shit downstate. As we're driving back to my house, I realize it's a gorgeous evening and I dont feel like wasting it inside, so I decide to head down a few two-tracks by my house that I know of. I used to ride my bicycle down them when I was a kid, but, having a sedan, I'd never driven them in a car...
SSSSssss goes the tire, and I pretty much have a meltdown, upon checking and realizing that there isnt a spare, it's 8:30 on a monday night, and it's getting dark (plus all the other stress thrown in there, this was pretty much the catalyst). We call my dad and I give him the lowdown, and the only option is to walk back out of the woods, about a mile, and have him pick us up, leaving the Jeep behind. No big deal.
So today, my trusty mechanic picks me up and we head out there. Bad news: there's a fallen tree that the Jeep BARELY made it under, and we're in my mechanic's service truck. Not gonna happen. So, for ten minutes, I watch helplessly as he hammers away at the tree with an axe. It's just sharp enough to get through, but him and I both had to tug at it pretty hard to get it out of the way. We get it though, and make it to the disabled Jeep and throw the new wheel on. He told me his back was hurting a little from pulling the tree, which made me feel even worse.
**TL;DR popped a tire on a two-track, no spare, sat overnight, mechanic hurt his back a bit moving a tree so his truck could get through, I feel bad the rest of the day.**
prussianiron: Y u no get chainsaw?
jesselikesfood: all he had was an axe in his truck, luckily; i forgot to mention the tree. he said he wouldve brought one
gmann2388: Wow. Thats a hell of an auto repair man, you owe him a case of brews. Glad the jeep made it out of there though. Sorry about your loss, grandparents are the worst to lose.
jesselikesfood: Plot twist: I'm only 20. I'll buy him a gallon of milk...
Cogeno: My initial reaction: What does being 20 have to do with it?
Then I realize the drinking age isn't 18 everywhere... One of the few nice things about living in Quebec.
| 6 | 13.333333 | |
1346206814 | 1346259539 | t3_yzxhg | t5_2to41 | 187 | throw_away_panties: TIFU by packing my mothers g-string in my suitcase
I don't know whether this belongs in /tifu or /wtf or /IAmAretard (if that exists), but this unfortunately has just happened to me. Enjoy.
I have travelled overseas for a while. As I happily just finished my shower, I'm deciding on what the hell to wear today. Eventually I make up my mind, and as I am putting my black shirt on, my face goes directly into this g-string in the neck of my shirt. My god, I realised immediately what had happened. Before I came over here, I caught up on some washing around at the folks place... yes, now I got a face-full of my mother's underwear, that I pray to any merciful God that it went through the washing machine.
It's now just lying on the floor... now wondering what to do with it.
brycebrown: I think your username gives some pretty good advice on what to do with them.
imnotracist_nigrah: Exactly what I was coming here to comment..
truestoryrealtalk: You don't need to say this, it's never necessary, and unless there's something more to it or you say it in a very interesting way you're just going to get a bunch of downvotes and somebody writing something quite similar to what I'm writing now, except usually they're not as nice about it. Have a good day.
Edit: Also, cause you're new here, another piece of similar advice, basically the same thing goes with saying 'lol' or 'that was funny', it's unnecessary and you will almost always get downvotes and people telling you that it doesn't contribute anything.
Z0bie: Just what I was going to tell him.
Fourmerhandedwarrior: >Exactly what I was coming here to comment..
>You don't need to say this, it's never necessary
>Just what I was going to tell him.
ಠ\_ಠ
LuxNocte: >ಠ\_ಠ
QFT
| 7 | 26.714286 | |
1346245654 | 1346398377 | t3_z0nde | t5_2to41 | 1,945 | 23_: TIFU: My new neighbour and her two year old daughter saw me fully naked, and while trying to fix the situation, I screamed like a banshee.
It's wednesday. My parents are at work, and my brother's at school. I'm home alone, and this hasn't happened for a while so what does anybody do with a free house? Walk around in the nude.
I'd been nude for a few hours now and it somehow slipped my mind that I did not have clothes on (I just felt very comfy, y'know?). This is when I remember it was recycling bin collection day, and the bins are right outside my front door. I walk out just as my new neighbours arrive home and witness them turn in disgust as I suddenly remember my man parts are in full view.
This in itself may not have been so terrible, albeit still pretty bad. Recently, however, I have had laryngitis. I have no voice. I sound shrill and ridiculous at a whisper, never mind a forcibly audible tone of voice. I try to scream "oh god!", "I'm so sorry!", and the like while covering myself up, and running back inside, but instead I must have sounded like a complete, incoherent mad man who is prone to flashing unsuspecting neighbours.
TIFU. I don't think I can leave my house ever again.
misterraider: And this is why this is the best subreddit.
PandaCookies: I concur.
[deleted]: IIRC, concurring is when you agree with the conclusion but not the reasoning. What is your reason for believing this to be the best subreddit? It would make for an interesting link.
LuxNocte: [I do not think that word means what you think it means](http://m.dictionary.com/d/?q=concur&o=0&l=dir)
[deleted]: Well damn. I guess my Government teacher lied to me.
SUPERSMILEYMAN: > I guess my **Government** teacher lied to me.
You don't say?
[deleted]: As in, the teacher who teaches students about the American system of government, not a teacher from the government.
Or you could be making a joke that I'm to tired to pick up on.
SUPERSMILEYMAN: I'm making the joke that you shouldn't trust anything that has to do with government.
muntoo: A "joke", right?
| 10 | 194.5 | |
1346260425 | 1346398752 | t3_z11ai | t5_2to41 | 93 | Hoodooz39: TIFU by accidentally bidding on 35 school desks
I thought the auction was for *one* desk (the kind with the flat surface built into a chair). I bid $5 as my max bid, but if no one bids higher by Monday, I'll have to find a way to transport and then get rid of 35 desks - well, 34. I do still want one of them.
I'm usually so good at reading the fine print....
And bid retraction will get me kicked off the auction site.
Khao8: 35 desks for 5$ is a pretty awesome deal, no? Is it a school-type kind of desk with the chair built in? If so, and you happen to win, you could contact local schools to give it to them.
Hoodooz39: Awesome deal - IF you want or need them. Not so awesome if you don't have a way to transport or store them. It's the local Board of Edu selling them from one of the local schools. I guess if another school could use them, they would have gone there instead of a surplus auction.
I'm sure people on Freecycle will grab them up pretty fast. I might could even sell on CL or something for a buck apiece. My biggest worry is how to get them home!
[deleted]: Do you have any friends that like pranks? 34 desks could go a long way.
More constructively, try a local library, they might just take them for the sake of it.
EnigmaticEntity: I like the way you think...
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1346269653 | 1346271343 | t3_z1bdp | t5_2to41 | 60 | supremeleaf: TIFU by starting my period 5 seconds before having sex.
The title says it all. I woke up and my boyfriend and I were fooling around and as soon as he took my underwear off i sat down to start sucking his dick and then blood was everywhere. I am SO embarrassed. This has never happened before. I cleaned up the stains on his mattress and im buying him new sheets today. This is probably the biggest fuck up i have ever had. :(
Krushchev: Next time, embrace the redwings! (& peroxide will get that blood out, if you haven't already tossed them in the wash / let it dry too long.)
fenney: I can confirm that peroxide will work, assuming the sheets are white of course.
Source: I'm a serial killer.
supremeleaf: they were orange. i already threw them away haha. i used clorox wipes to get it off the mattress though. it was pretty horrible.
| 4 | 15 | |
1346283627 | 1346330709 | t3_z1q9t | t5_2to41 | 16 | bangin7gramrocks: TIFU by stupidly leaving my friends bike outside on the cul-de-sac last night, then discovering it was stolen.
What the fuck should I do. I'm so upset I feel like puking.
DQEight: Check behind houses for it, tell your friend the truth and compensate him/her for it as best you can
bangin7gramrocks: why would I check behind houses?
DQEight: If someone nearby stole it they may keep it out of sight behind the house
GlorySocks: My bike has gotten stolen twice. Found it behind a house. Definitely search in backyards.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1346287704 | 1346300331 | t3_z1ufz | t5_2to41 | 7 | RAugH: TIFU or not ? I just tell in an "horrible" way to my booty call that I met a brilliant girl and we should stop booty calling (NSFW)
**Background:**
2 Years ago I met this girl in a party, we were having a great time and ended up having sex. After the party, we change phone numbers to hang up any other day (We never did).
Last year we met again and ended up having sex(again).
Both time she asked if I have girlfriend or if I want a girlfriend. Both times I replied, *I don't want or I'm looking for one*
**Present time:**
So, 2 weaks ago, we met again, we went to a bar, ended up making out and she gave me a Bj. We talked for a while, again, she asked if I'm looking for a girlfriend, and again, I said *no*. During the course of the night, we agree to meet each other again in a couple of days to fuck all night long.
Before we could met again, I went to a party with a girl I've met 6 months ago and I haven't seen since. She's great, and I'd like to date her again, but first, I have to cancel my booty call.
So, today I talked with my booty call (via facebook,) and told her that *we should not met again, that I think Im taking advantge of the situation* she keeps asking *why? why would you hurt me?, explain me, I'll understand*.....So I told her about the party that I went with this girl, and that I think I'll give a shot with her...5 hrs later and I haven't recieve and answer.
I talked to a friend and explained the whole situation and she almost slapped me and said...*wtf is wrong with you!, thats the worst way you could possible explain the situation! you just broke the self esteem to a girl!*
Was that so wrong ? I tried not mention this girl to my booty call, but she kept asking why, so I told her the truth...
**tl;dr: I told to my booty call that we should not fuck again cuz I met a great non-booty call girl**
re-faze: Yeah that was a bad move, but really it seems like that girl was pretty emotionally invested in you already. I think most attempts to diffuse the situation woulda hurt her either way.
RAugH: so..I picked one of the worst ways?
Isleepinalleyways: yes.
Isleepinalleyways: j/k you were doomed either way.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1346288285 | 1346296737 | t3_z1v47 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU: By Getting a Sun Burn right next to my ball sack...
So I was tubing on the boat with my Bro. When i crashed my swimming pants Just FLUNG Off. So i jumped off to get it. When i got home i realized my sunburn, right next to my ball sack.... I'm going to look like a idiot touching my balls at school tomorrow. Reddit, Today I Fucked Up. Thats two fuck ups in one week...... FML
TL;DL: Went Tubing, Pants Flung off, Got sunburn next to ballsack, School Tomarrow
[deleted]: Who's seeing your balls at school?
Tgbtgbt: Good point
| 3 | 1 | |
1346307515 | 1346492758 | t3_z2d8x | t5_2to41 | 93 | BigBurlyMan: TIFU by dropping my Nikon camera off a 1,000 foot cliff
Was climbing Iron Cap Mountain in the central alpine lakes region of the Washington cascades. Got to the summit and pulled out my camera to take a picture. Fumbled it, it hit the ground and bounced off the cliff. Lost all pictures I had taken on the trip and had nothing to show for summiting the mountain.
jimmydrewtron: The gods are telling you to get a Canon.
mgearliosus: Pentax. Those can survive planets colliding.
I have no brand preference, but I am saving for a DSLR or Mirrorless. Not sure what I want.
muntoo: You want a Canon, end of story.
mgearliosus: I don't know if you're being serious, but stop. All fanboyism does is turn people away from the brand.
muntoo: You want a Nikon, end of story.
mgearliosus: I certainly don't want a Leica. Those hipster cameras with super poor low light performance for more than a nice used car.
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1346310762 | 1347757692 | t3_z2f5x | t5_2to41 | 80 | dusty_boots: TIFU I left my wallet on the porch in my unsafe neighborhood and came back to find it cleaned out.
That's it. $170 dollars cash from a check I cashed hours before, my license and cards, gone. Now I have to go through the bullshit of canceling everything and getting a new fucking license. They even took my fucking business cards, but left the wallet. Who does that? Worst part is I have only myself to blame because I'm a fucking moron.
crashgold: I had my wallet stolen once. I would've been a little happier if they left the wallet. I had just bought it for myself for my birthday :(
BUT that sucks about the cash, I had maybe $1.50 in mine.
[deleted]: Are you sure it wasn't tree fiddy?
spartalaughs: Dang crash gold monster!
| 4 | 20 | |
1346298148 | 1346451811 | t3_z25g8 | t5_2to41 | 110 | [deleted]: TIFU and had to spend 20 minutes flushing salicylic acid out of my vagina
So I had to stop going to my gym because I got a wart on my finger after going... I literally couldn't have picked it up anywhere else. And so for the past month I've been melting it off with that concentrated acid goo stuff. Mine is 40% salicylic acid.
Well this week I had my period and it was going pretty well, all things considered... I just went in to change my menstrual cup and I realize there is a problem. Yup. I had just put acid on my finger*. And now it was in my vagina. Great.... 20 minutes of flushing with water later I am dry as a bone up in there but all seems to be ok...
Let this be a lesson. Don't go to strange gyms.
* I feel I should clarify, I used one hand to put the acid on the other hand. The applying hand was the one that made the transfer. It was probably under my finger nail.
ballisticks: I have nothing to say on this matter, but a thousand upvotes for your username. I'm glad to see you have a fine taste in science fiction (i'm assuming so anyway!)
ConstableOdo: I do have fine taste in science fiction, good sir. Since you know the reference you must share my good taste. =D
beigebox: Odo as Curzon was awesome. :)
ConstableOdo: Just about, just about all the character writing on DS9 was good. TNG had good writing but also a number of characters that were just sorta there or went through the same story over and over again. TOS... Well... It had three good characters.
I really, really like the characters of DS9. =D
ballisticks: As do I, especially Garak. Nobody beats Garak
ConstableOdo: You know. I ended up liking them all eventually... Some took a bit longer... but I liked Garak from the first moment he was on screen.
ballisticks: Yeah, me too.
Same with Weyoun. Jeffrey Combs pretty much nails every role he has
ConstableOdo: Yup. I loved the bad guys. Dukat. I loved Dukat. Man. From beginning to end. That man fell hard.
ballisticks: Indeed
Damar was pretty good as well, it's funny how he was a borderline alcoholic
ConstableOdo: You know. I was reading about the characters and scenes that were removed or not used... I wish they'd included the bit where Weyoun had a weird collection of everyday objects.
ballisticks: Ahh, that would've been awesome.
Although Weyoun playing dabo was hilarious
ConstableOdo: I liked the bit with the poison, from that episode.
It was the little things that made DS9 so fun.
| 13 | 8.461538 | |
1346317896 | 1346349639 | t3_z2ias | t5_2to41 | 33 | TheChrizby: Well, Basically I've went next door to Rite Aid for the past year or so and she's a cashier so she's always nice and friendly and shit. She told me she likes me awhile ago, but don't get me wrong. She's cute, older than me actually, and pretty cool. But, I don't want to date her. So I said the first thing that popped into my head.. and yeah. She wants to go to the park sometime.. and I'm just fucked. Lol
Ninja_Guin: Did you say a father to what? It could be to kittens, or a duck. Ducks like parks, get a duck.
TheChrizby: "I have a son."
theonlymillsy: I have a son... of a bitch at work always bothering me about those damn TPS reports.
the_chris_yo: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
SPDSKTR: Not sure if you have or not, but I told TheChrizby he needs to start putting cover sheets on his TPS reports.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1346315745 | 1346318687 | t3_z2hmo | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By accidentally snapping a $50 bracelet I secretly bought my girlfriend :(
It arrived, perfect and pink/blue like in the picture, Went to take it out of the little box and it broke :(
the-5-is-silent: you makeout
[deleted]: fuck
the-5-is-silent: busteeeeed
[deleted]: mmmmmm
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1346306740 | 1346338632 | t3_z2col | t5_2to41 | 1,215 | mimicryinc: TIFU by getting wet in front of a Taco Bell cashier.
I was upset today, as I had been notified that I may be restricted from enrolling for school this fall. In these situations, I usually seek out comfort that only Taco Bell chalupas can satisfy. I decide to embark on this journey to get some fine mexican cuisine by bicycle. I get there and end up standing at the register and waiting for the cashier for a few minutes. There are 3 guys in the back who keep looking at me, but none of them actually come to take my order.
Cue one of the most handsome men I've seen since I've been home (although this might be an exaggeration as I worked at various Motorcycle safety classes all summer and was primarily exposed to middle aged white guys).
"Sorry for the wait - I thought xxxx was up front already”. No need to be sorry! I was a taken aback by his fineness in addition to being distracted by the day's stress and barely mustered my voice for a bean burrito, feebly handing him a $5. He smiled at me and gave me $3.69 (I swear he said 69 with a bit of grin as he gathered it from the register). To my surprise, he also gave me a cup for a drink - on the house - since I had to wait so long.
Now, this was a full sized cup, not just a dinky little cup they give you when you ask for or "water". I was stunned by this gesture since I'm not used to kindness, but I managed to stutter out an "Oh. Thank you" anyway. I retrieve a bit of water from the fountain but didn't put a lid on it since I wasn't going to be able to carry it on my bike. I take a big gulp, but as I do, my gaze crosses hot cashier guy's. As we're locked in an intense stare filled with what can only be described as a cornucopia of sexual tension, I miscalculate my beverage's path, which resulted in it missing my mouth completely and plummeting down the front of my shirt. As I’m staring at him. Dead in the face.
Fate would have it that my burrito is placed in front of me nanoseconds after my blunder. I toss my cup, grab my burrito and mumble my thanks, my gaze now set on the floor leading to my exit.
**tl;dr: I spilled water all over myself in front of an attractive cashier.**
nealbo: Well that was a misleading title
buddahman: Right? I was like 'How would they know she got wet?'
isoceans: really thin white tights?
buddahman: And no panties.
monkat: "D-did you just piss yourself a little?"
chiniwini: "No. Diarrhea."
monkat: Why is diarrhea coming out of...y'know what? I don't want to know.
cbs_: "I'm special like that."
| 9 | 135 |
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