start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1346322509 | 1346407975 | t3_z2ki3 | t5_2to41 | 323 | Paars: TIFU by hitting my GF in the face with my knee
We were just laying on the couch with my legs over her lap watching TV at one moment I get the brilliant idea to tickle her so I commence operation Wiggle & Giggle wish ended in great succes. Shortly thereafter however enemy ticklers arrived at my feet to avenge their fallen comrades of the Armpit Division seeing myself dangerous position I call for an immediate abandonment of the leg region resulting in me pulling my leg back lightning fast causing my knee to fly up hitting her right on her front teeth.
**TLDR: hit girlfriend in the face with my knee, front teeth abit lose, girlfriend needs braces again for 1 year to fix caused damage**
redpanda252: Once, my ex boyfriend was laying down on the couch and I walked over to him. Just as I leaned down to kiss him, he sat up super fast and conked me right on the bridge of my nose with his forehead (which was hard as shit). I was literally blinded from the pain and also the fact that my eyes were watering like crazy. It hurt so bad that I thought he had broken it, but luckily it was only bruised. And by only bruised I mean it was black and blue for the next two weeks. The worst part was when it finally started healing and it was that sickening yellow color. Not a fun couple of weeks...
shoguntom: I did almost this exact thing to my gf by accident while watching SexTrek. I am not proud.
Jillbo_baggins: What is this "SexTrek"?
shoguntom: It was this one:
http://adultbay.org/sex-trek-charly/
Jillbo_baggins: Thanks. I once wrote a paper for my psychology of sexuality class about star trek. Well, specifically Star Trek voyager. I should have known there would be actual Star Trek porn. Hell there are probably hundreds of them!
NoAttentionAtWrk: well had you discovered it then, you might not have completed your paper
| 7 | 46.142857 | |
1346346805 | 1346549506 | t3_z33sf | t5_2to41 | 296 | jweezy3: TIFU by sitting on Pandora’s crapper and starting a poo party.
After dating this girl that I really like for about a month, she took me to her lake house for a nice *relaxing* weekend with her extended family. Skipping to the chase, a day into the weekend, a poo storm was a brewin’ and the forecast wasn’t pretty… With no fan in the bathroom (like are you kidding me??), no Lysol spray, and paper-thin walls, I had to be an ultimate ninja shitter. There was some shampoo in the shower, so I put a little in the toilet bowl so that the scent would rise when I initially flushed, cancelling the proof that I was even there. Genius right?? I eased out the first brown cow, silent as Anne Frank. Courtesy flush. Smells like flowers. I was in the clear! After making a few smaller ass kabobs, I reach over for the TP… not even one square. Not one. A quick glance around, no Kleenex either! Ok, don’t panic. Checked under the sink… nothing. Mini half-closet? SUCCESS! Haha! The gods were smiling down upon me. Smirking, and feeling like I just dodged a bullet, I was in a generous mood. I decided to change the old TP stub on the spring-loaded rolling pin to the fresh roll. A true *hero*! Dislodging the Chinese-finger-handcuffs, the spring was more “loaded” that I was expecting, and it fired. Then the unthinkable. Flying through the air, the half-TP-holder projectile was heading for the 4x2 inch opening right between my legs (aka the opening between me and the toilet bowl. Get your mind out of the gutter fools). In my attempt to save it, I managed to throw the other half and the spring into the bowl for one big poo party. Quickly grabbing them out, the pieces were dripping shit-water all over the floor and bath mat while I was in the middle of a potato sack race to the sink with my pants around my ankles. Doing the best I could to wash the dirty off of them, I cleaned what I could. As I opened the bathroom door, her uncle was about to walk in (he’s ex-special forces and a scary, scary man). As he’s walking past he sarcastically says, “hope you got it all in the bowl son, I’d hate for you to have to clean the walls.”
You don’t even know Uncle Rick, you don’t even know…
NoICannotBeOriginal: First thing that came to my mind when you said poo storm was the hurricane in New Orleans, and then put the image of a poo hurricane. Why? I don't know...
mickeythesquid: "You feel that,Randy? The barometric shit-pressure is dropping. There is a shitacane coming... Haul in the jib and call the shit-liners back to harbour, its gonna be a shitnami!"
NoICannotBeOriginal: "aww shit, someone get the president on the line, we gotta contain the situation before the media gets a hold of it and the shit hits the fan!"
ScreamingGerman: I don't recall this line in Trailer Park Boys...
NoICannotBeOriginal: It was improvised...
mickeythesquid: Its the way of the road, its how she fuckin' goes...
| 7 | 42.285714 | |
1346354662 | 1346364080 | t3_z3crv | t5_2to41 | 27 | nicholea1: TIFU by emailing a print screen to my boss and the IS guy that clearly displays a window reading "TIFY by getting wet"
TheSmokingGNU: That... can't be good. Hope you still have a job! :)
[deleted]: So far. Hoping they're too busy to scrutinize and that the IS Guy is too nice to point it out.
| 3 | 9 | |
1346358077 | 1346506022 | t3_z3gly | t5_2to41 | 67 | Carlow91: TIFU by accidentally stepping on by 1 year old niece.
My sister and her husband came by for a visit today. I haven't seen my sister in over a year, and have never met my niece. Well we got to talking and after I play with my niece a little I offer some drinks.
As I get up to grab the beverages, I had failed to notice that my niece was crawling under the coffee table. Well, when I took a step, she was just coming out from under it, and I planted my foot squarely on her back, with more than a little of my weight.
Obviously she started crying, and I felt awful. Thankfully, after making sure she was alright and calming her down, my sister said everything was fine and even started to joke about it.
About an hour after they left, I received a text from all of my 6 brothers and my dad, simply stating "baby-kicker." I don't believe I will ever live this down, and I surely am not looking forward to the next reunion.
subatomicsushi: Babies, pets, Lego... I'm terrified of stepping on them all.
EnkiduEnkita: I believe that "LEGO" is actually the adjective form, not the pluralization -- a common misconception with all those harping against those who say "Legos" as the plural. The correct plural form would be "LEGO bricks" or "LEGO sets", using the brand name as a modifier.
In any case, I agree with your sentiment :D
subatomicsushi: Okay, true. "Lego bricks" might have looked better. Parallel form and whatnot.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1346359909 | 1346367417 | t3_z3iqz | t5_2to41 | 53 | Kuta837: TIFU while burning garbage.
So i live in the country and we usually just burn the "burnable garbage" in a fire pit out back.
My dad told me to go burn the garbage and i wasnt too happy about it since i was in the middle of doing something. In my unhappy state, i went downstairs and picked up all of the bags near the door and didnt think anything of it. I set the fire ablaze and everything was fine until i look into the fire a see a bunch of shoes and shirts burning. I acted quickly and tried to grab the burning shoes out of the fire. This didnt help and caused me to get burning rubber all over my hands. After i returned to the house, I found my sister looking for her new shoes and shirts she just bought at the mall. I just looked her in the eyes and said "unless you're looking to wear ashes, you're out of luck" She wasnt happy.
TL;DR Burnt garbage. Fucked up my hands and 170 dollars of new shirts and shoes.
GreenHairyMartian: the sunscreen manufacturers thank you for the contribution to the depletion of the ozone layer and the rising global temperatures.
squee777: Do you even know what burnable garbage is?
GreenHairyMartian: yea. it's garbage. and you burn it. am i rite?
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1346366715 | 1346381884 | t3_z3qds | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a girl I loved her
Livesinthefuture: If you've already got something from this relationship then
DM;HS or DM;HBJ
But if not then TYFU
lcnm007: >DM;HS or DM;HBJ
Explain this I'm still tryin to figure stuff out
DVentresca: "Doesn't matter; had sex/BJ". You can't be bothered to care because you got off.
lcnm007: Had niether
DVentresca: I know that feel bro.
lcnm007: Sucks. And I was sooooo close too
DVentresca: Such is life and love eh?
lcnm007: yeah... life.. love... they suck...... women...
DVentresca: Some people are shitty, and when they mess up a part of your life all you can do is [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo)
| 10 | 1.3 | |
1346384903 | 1346467140 | t3_z491p | t5_2to41 | 421 | pzbogo: TIFU and shit my pants in school
When I woke up this morning, I felt the urge to shit, so I took a quick powershit (diarrhea) before school. When I got to school, I felt he urge to go again, so I went, and ended up being late for my first class. Then about ten minutes before class was over, I felt the urge again. I told the teacher, but he wouldn't let me go. Even after I told him it was an emergency he wouldn't let me go. So I yelled "I'm literally about to shit my pants!" I didn't mean for the whole class to hear, but of course they did. He just kinda got this angry look in his eyes and said "just get out." I did he gotta-shit-waddle down the hall to the bathroom. Right when I pulled my pants down, my ass decided "hey his pants are down, time to shit!" but my pants weren't down far enough and I was standing, so the shit landed right in my underwear and started running down my legs. I stood there for about a minute in shock. Then I sat down, and finished shitting while I cleaned the shit of my clothes as good as I could. Then I went to the office and called my mom to get her to pick me up. The asshole secretary people couldn't keep a straight face because, I mean seriously, how many hichschool juniors have shit their pants in school. While my mom was on her way, I went back to class to get my books. I swear the whole class broke into laughter he minute I walked out. My mom drove me home in complete silence, with all the windows down. After I got home and cleaned up, my mom made me wash my clothes myself and then clean the car very thoroughly.
TLDR: had diarrhea, asshole teacher wouldn't let me go shit, shit my pants, had to clean car
EDIT:today was awful at school, i got taunted alot. and the asshole teacher was three times as strict today.
EDIT2: front page! great now everyone will know my story.
bofh420_1: why didn't mom bring towels for you to sit on?
pzbogo: excellent question... i really don't know
bofh420_1: How long since this took place? Ask her if she is over it.
pzbogo: it happened yesterday
bofh420_1: Tell her a guy on the internet wants to know why she did not bring towels that could have been washed or thrown away.
pzbogo: she doesn't know i posted this and i really don't want to tell her i did
bofh420_1: Good idea. Tuesday is going to be a bitch at school, sorry. Do not try to explain it or anything. Just walk away if you can.
pzbogo: umm this happened Wensday. and yea Thursday sucked.
bofh420_1: No good. Hopefully someone messes up horribly this weekend.
| 10 | 42.1 | |
1346382846 | 1346536118 | t3_z46yq | t5_2to41 | 13 | JNC96: TIFU by generalizing and stereotyping an entire demographic.
I was on /r/asiantwox and I made an asshat out of myself because I thought appearance was the most important part of love.
[What the fuck was I thinking!?](http://www.reddit.com/r/asiantwoX/comments/z27fk/hey_asiantwox_i_was_wondering_whats_the_opinion/)
I owe them all an apology.
amanitus: Yeah, you can't really just ask what a group thinks. You asked a racial group what they think of another race. Most people will either call you racist for asking (like they did) or say that the race of another person doesn't affect them (like it shouldn't). You're far better off looking at what a group does:
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/
JNC96: So, based on that page, just solely on that page and what it says in text, my chances are slim if I go out of my way, instead of if I play the bait? That's a real bummer.
amanitus: This is just one set of statistics I was aware of off the top of my head. I only pulled it out to show that this type of thing can be measured at least to some degree. Just keep in mind all I have are statistics from an online dating website based on responses to messages. Don't let this type of thing discourage you at all. Dating sites aren't the real world and OKCupid can't measure the happiness of real relationships. It sounds like you've already had some positive experience, so you're obviously a pretty good looking, confident person. Keep your head up. You've got what it takes.
JNC96: Thanks, it means a lot.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1346382517 | 1346405554 | t3_z46m5 | t5_2to41 | 26 | audiomatt: TIFU by accidentally rubbing verde sauce in my eye.
I'm typing this with one eye shut.
it hurts.
Funk_Master_Slap: One day i was cutting Jalapenos and had my hands all in the seeds and then rubbed all over my face and i broke out in hardcore burning allergy. had to go home and soak my face underwater. it sucked hard.
mnymo: Ouch.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1346373137 | 1346630257 | t3_z3wvr | t5_2to41 | 18 | DjManEX: TIFU by getting a "dilluted base" all over me, including my eye and mouth.
So in class today we were doing a lab with something I later found out was a "dilluted base". At one point of the lab we had to shake a beaker half full with it and see what happened. There were two different beakers we had to shake and they had rubber stoppers at the top. Me being me, I decided I should take them both at the same time... but I forgot to hold the stopper so it doesn't fly out. So all of a sudden I'm sitting there with that stuff all over me. My left eye was burning a bit and it tasted like crap. My teacher let me go to the bathroom and wash off and was really nice about it. He said it was mildly corrosive btw.
TL:DR- Dilluted bases tase like crap.
MadDrMatt: I've been the lab instructor for intro chemistry courses like this. At least at major universities, they don't allow students in this course to use anything that could *actually* cause them harm (except maybe one lab near the end of the semester). Your post is a case-in-point example of why this is general intro-chem lab policy :).
Your teacher likely has you filed away in his mind as 'potential hazard', and you can expect to get a little extra attention when more risky chemicals come into play... if he's like me, he won't hold it against you; he'll just assume you need a little extra supervision. It's his job to worry.
Soap is a weak base by the way. I'm not sure exactly how dilute your diluted base was, but it was probably pretty similar to getting some dish soap in your eye... annoying but not serious. Depending on the specific base, however, it might not be so kind to the color of your clothing or the complexion of your skin.
DjManEX: Yeah, it really wasn't too bad at all. I just felt like a total dumbass. Thanks for the response by the way.
MadDrMatt: Yeah, this is the type of thing I can't say directly to my students... I'm not their friend, I'm their teacher. But some random person on the internet? Yeah sure, candid response!
gef21: You, I like you.
Priorities
1:Random Stranger
2:Children
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1346443494 | 1346455602 | t3_z5ho6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Fonik_Freak: TIFU by coughing up some... thing? On my crushes desk.
Too lazy to make a decent story, will try to use a greentext format instead
~Be me
~have fucked up feeling in your stomach/lungs/throat 2 days ago
~think nothing of it at the time
~Be today
~5th period
~Feel the same feeling again, think it's just from lunch
~Settle down in my seat
~Same feeling goes on throughout class
~5 minutes before the bell rings
~go over, talk to her
~Talk for like thirty seconds
~Start uncontrollably coughing
~Cough up some weird mixture of fuckery
~Like mucus mixed with blood, but solid
~I look up at her
~Her, and five others look freaked the fuck out
~Get teacher
~Makes me stay after class to clean up the shit
~Crush walks out most likely horrified
~Didn't talk to her for the rest of the day
~Coughed up that mixture one more time in the bathroom before school ended
I'm going to the doctors tomorrow to see what's wrong with me. I really feel I fucked up completely today with my peers seeing it, also fucked up my chances with my crush.
Also I'm a Junior
snotgun: Almost the same thing happened to me except I sneezed and my gum flew out of my mouth and hit her in the eye.
Fonik_Freak: But did you spit up a bloody, mucus ball on her desk?
snotgun: No but she cried.
Fonik_Freak: Again, it's still better than coughing up a blood covered mucus ball
snotgun: Yeah you win.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1346448889 | 1346513520 | t3_z5n8a | t5_2to41 | 668 | tifuthrowaway92: TIFU by having sex with a coworker who has a girlfriend.
So this adorable guy got me a great job working in a kitchen as the pastry chef. We've always had a major thing for each other and text and flirt all of the time and we even spent the night of his 21st birthday asleep in the back of his truck together. But we never got physical because he had a girlfriend despite all our flirting. But anyway, he came to pick me up to go out with some work people and we got distracted and ended up drinking and playing video games with my roommates and skipping out on the bars completely. Not too much later it ended up just being the two of us, hammered. One thing lead to another and we fucked in my bedroom until about 5 minutes into it he stops and realizes, oh shit, I have a girlfriend. So he got up and started to leave and we got in a huge fight and he left only for us to be stuck in a kitchen together for 12 hours starting at noon the next day. Now he's over compensating acting like nothing is wrong and I have to pretend I'm okay too. And I have to deal with the fact that he has absolutely no intention of telling his girlfriend...and keeps fucking flirting with me. Fuck this guy. Aaaand I majorly fucked up.
Update: I pretty much let it go and have been backing off not hanging out at the restaurant after work with him and stuff anymore and I felt a lot better, and I just didn't press the issue anymore and neither of us were acting weird or anything. Then last night a bunch of our coworkers were at the bar celebrating someone's birthday when he met a girl drunk off of her ass (he was sober) and he talked to her for an hour and preceded to take her home. So, any little tiny feeling left in me that he was actually an okay guy and maybe, just maybe it all happened because he had some sort of feeling toward me got shot to hell and I'm just done. Because I'm not going to lie, I couldn't really help crushing on him, and while I feel horrible about what happened (especially for his girlfriend) part of me was hoping for some sort of a happy ending. So yeah never mind. Sucks. I'm feeling even worse for his girlfriend now, bc now I know its not anything like he had feelings for the person he's fucking, its just he's horny.
goalstopper28: Well if he forgot he had a girlfriend. He must not be that good of a boyfriend. Fuck him. Although, you fucked up too for knowing he had a GF and still went along with it.
Monsieur_Mangetout: She did fuck him, that's the problem
BigFishMcNish: Je mange plus nourriture que toi.
Basoran: >I eat more food than you
I'm missing something here or you're intentionally obtuse.
Soong45: Look at the name. Monsieur_Mangetout = Mr Eat everything
whoamiamwho: Wasn't that the guy who ate light bulbs and metal and stuff?
Soong45: [Indeed it is!](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michel_Lotito)
| 8 | 83.5 | |
1346452808 | 1346470456 | t3_z5qyj | t5_2to41 | 24 | FallenMithos: TIFU By Missing A Payment for my Classes
So, what happened was that I'm enrolled in summer classes, and financial aid was supposed to take care of the costs of the classes and residence. Apparently, that didn't happen, and there was an balance, which prompted in me getting my classes dropped today, and getting kicked out of my residence. TIFU.
57Chevy: You didn't fuck up. They did.
FallenMithos: Well, apparently they did tell me ahead of time, and it was overdue. But, I later learned out that there was one last part I was not aware of, that was needed for the financial aid :(
| 3 | 8 | |
1346459560 | 1346555374 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally walking in on a group of girls about to change
I was on a school trip. The told us to put our clothes in one room so we could find them when came back from the pool. They decided to change in that room so when I came in to get my clothes, they got pissed off at me and now think of me as a pervert.
Kaibunny143: This belongs in r/todayiscored
grub5000: I was sad to discover that /r/todayiscored isn't a real subreddit
Kaibunny143: I'm sure there is a version of it out there. I'm just too lazy to find it with the app. If there isn't one, then you should make one!! :)
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1346486100 | 1346623001 | null | t5_2to41 | 238 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to run from the cops my first weekend of college.
I walked out of a party and a cop called me over and stopped me. If I had just stopped and handed over my bag with beer, he would have just taken the beer and I would have been free.
I didn't know that. Now 2 tickets and around $300 later i really wish I had just stopped. Telling my parents will be real fun.
gbromios: Sounds like you fucked by not being able to run faster than a fucking cop. Or actually, the real fuckup here is how you're bitching even though you got caught drinking underage and DIDN'T get put on probation for a year.
Onslow_Skils: >by not being able to run faster than a fucking cop
What's wrong with the police?
midnightreign: >What's wrong with the police?
Where would you like me to start?
Onslow_Skils: At "A" and please provide proof of everything you say.
midnightreign: This is difficult not because of a lack of examples, but because of trying to narrow it all down.
I'll start with police unions lobbying for the defeat or passage of laws criminalizing or decriminalizing certain behaviors. Prime examples are the numerous instances where police-paid lobbyists pushed to defeat medical marijuana laws. This is an example of "conflict of interest," whereby the enforcers of the rules are attempting to establish the rules.
From there, we can discuss the massive growth of SWAT teams and their use against people who posed no violent threat, when other tactics would surely have resulted in a successful arrest & search. Google "Cheye Calvo".
That segues directly into the militarization of our police forces through the use of surplus equipment grants and byrne grants, which encourage police departments to load up on military gear and then go chase drug users.
Oh, and then there's the practice of carrying "drop pieces" so that an unarmed suspect who is shot in the course of investigation doesn't result in a murder charge for the cop who shot him/her. Simply drop a pistol and claim the suspect was armed? Problem solved.
We could go into the use of drug dogs despite a less-than-scientific standard for their use. Dogs are phenomenal at smelling contraband, but have a MASSIVE false-positive rate... large enough that no rational person should accept their use as the establishment of probable cause. (They might be enough for reasonable suspicion, but that's another subject.) http://www.lvrj.com/news/legal-challenge-questions-reliability-of-police-dogs-161759505.html .... An *80%* false positive rate is simply unacceptable.
So... where would you like to start again?
Onslow_Skils: Thanks for all the proof, I'm drowning in hatred for AmeriKKKan police...
Oh wait.
midnightreign: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=police+lobby+marijuana ... lots of good to read here. The theme of "police don't want pot legalized" repeats itself in jurisdiction after jurisdiction.
lmgtfy.com/?q=cheye+calvo ... The mayor who was raided, watched his dogs killed, and then spent hours handcuffed while a SWAT team went through his house.
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=police+militarized ... militarization of the police. Article after article, from varying mainstream and non-mainstream sources. Too many to list.
If you're not familiar with drop pieces, a link won't help you. This practice is unfortunately difficult to track.
I already provided a substantial link on dogs being misused to provide probable cause.
Are you willing to start a conversation on the topic or do you want to continue assuming that I've formed this opinion over the course of years without having read a single goddamn thing to justify my position?
Onslow_Skils: >do you want to continue assuming that I've formed this opinion over the course of years without having read a single goddamn thing to justify my position?
Well, you are on Reddit.
| 9 | 26.444444 | |
1346532636 | 1346545575 | null | t5_2to41 | 223 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting pregnant.
[deleted]: >TIFU by not using a throwaway
FIFY
rastapasta808: Lol yup. Decent /r/gonewild posts
Hipster_Hillbilly: her gonewild post was a month ago, and she sure doesn't look three months pregnant in that picture.
[deleted]: Three months isn't enough to 'look' pregnant. I didn't start showing till about 4.5 months.
*edit* and I am a fit person.
Mech1: Heck my wife didn't show til nearly six months, and then her Grandma said she looked like a Webble-wobble, I nearly fell over laughing at that.
[deleted]: My kids father called me a pokemon.
Mech1: Oh god, which one? Tell me, has he made it off the couch and back into the bed yet?
[deleted]: This was 11 years ago, he made it back to bed but then we parted ways for other reasons...
Mech1: Aw, sorry to hear that. But what pokemon did he call you, I am sorry but it made me very curious.
[deleted]: a poliwhirl :(
Mech1: Oh my god, that is classic.
[deleted]: :P
| 13 | 17.153846 | |
1346542086 | 1346556128 | null | t5_2to41 | 344 | jbmass: TIFU by not answering to an important university e-mail
I screwed up my semester and I have to redo it (yeah I fucked that up as well). One of the teachers sends me an email asking me if I want to do it again or if I'm stopping my studies. I answer that I'm continuing. He says okay. That was back in late June.
Fast forward to today, and I realize that I haven't checked my emails in two months. There it goes, one email from the university saying that I have to formally answer that I wish to continue in this field, by sending a letter, blah blah. The answer must be sent before July 5th or it'll be too late for me and I'll be considered as resigning.
Seems like I'm fucked, and I have no one to blame except myself.
Edit: It's a French university, not as expensive as an American one. I did lot lose/waste a huge amount of money because of that, but still a little bit. Still a dumb mistake though.
penisairplane: What were you studying where it's possible to not read mails for two whole months? Ancient greek mythology?
Phoenix0ne: Or he could be a normal human being on summer vacation.
penisairplane: Do you check your mail not for two months straight when on vacation? And what university sends out *really* important stuff not during the semester, but during the summer break?
jbmass: Worse, they sent the email on July 4th, with the deadline on July 5th...
I believe they allowed some people who answered some days later, but in my case I think it's a dead end. I'll try anyway, I'm coming back home tomorrow and on monday I'll go to the uni and try to negociate.
i_am_sad: Say you thought you were fucked because of the date they sent it, and maybe it'll help unfuck you.
| 6 | 57.333333 | |
1346553690 | 1346574552 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | Daedari: TIFU by messing with someone's phone
I was at lunch with my friends and I found a cell on the ground. I had planned on going through it to find out who it belonged to so I could return it to them. I went through their photos to see if I could find a familiar face, and found several nude pictures (some of which were from the internet). Now at this point I thought only a freshman could be stupid enough to leave something like this lying around. I decided to teach him a lesson and deleted all of them. But that wasn't enough; I felt especially evil today and decided to text his mom and his girlfriend about the pictures I found on his phone (explaining that I had found the phone and deleted the pictures). Satisfied with my douchebaggery for the day, I left the phone where I found it and headed back to my engineering class. I thought it was all okay until I was in my math heard a senior talking behind me. "Yeah man, some asshole went through my phone, deleted all my pictures and sent some messages. If I find him, I'm going to skin him alive!" Let me give you a brief description of this kid: He's about 6'6" and probably weighs around 250 lbs at least. At this point I realize that I was so scared that I could literally see my heart pounding in my chest. He's asking everyone if they saw anyone pick up a phone near where he was sitting at lunch.
TL;DR: I deleted photos from the phone of the love-child of the incredible Hulk and the Pilsbury dough boy, and now he's out to beat me
**Edit:** why does everything think I think that this was justified? Do none of you remember that this is r/tifu and not r/TodayIDidSomethingOtherPeopleThinkIShouldn'tHaveDoneButIThinkItWasPerfectlyFine?
eKoyz: Say it was someone you don't like.
AnnieIWillKnow: Best piece of advice here.
| 3 | 21 | |
1346568918 | 1346715419 | null | t5_2to41 | 83 | hotforhautbois: TIFU and have no menstrual products.
Gross, right? It gets worse!
So I use a Diva cup, for those of you unfamiliar, its an alternative to pads/tampons and is a great deal cleaner and less gross. You wash and re-use it, so its frugal, too. You don't have to buy a new one for a year or two. Awesome for my broke college student self.
So I took a shower in my apartment-dorm communal bathroom, took out the cup and cleaned it, leaving it on a towel on the toilet lid. I finish showering, towel off, collect my stuff and go back to my room.
About an hour later, I feel like I'm sitting in something wet.
How weird.
Oh.
FUCK.
I never put it back in! (Why..?) I go back and search the shower/bathroom; sink, shower shelves, trash can, the floor behind the toilet, even the toilet tank. Aaaannnddd its gone.
Well shit, I have nothing. NOTHING. I have NO tampons/pads. I haven't bought any in three years, because cup. No roommate (or even any friends yet!) to borrow a tampon from, either. I can't go out and buy any, its 12am PST. Despite 24 hr. drugstores, this neighborhood is dangerous at night, so I can't go out and buy a replacement cup, let alone any menstrual products, until tomorrow. The cup is about $50, too. Ugh.
For now I sleep on multiple towels. This is literally a bloody mess.
**EDIT**: bought tampons, but peeved because I had to spend money due to stupidity. Saving $$ for new cup.
infomaniacgirl: In a situation like that I'd probably wrap a bunch of toilet paper around the part of my panties between my legs as a makeshift pad. Not the prettiest, but gets the job done usually.
gusset25: >the part of my panties between my legs
the word you are looking for is....gusset
infomaniacgirl: Today I learned what a gusset was. Thank you!
gusset25: just doing my username, ma'am
rcocman125: Well this just worked out perfectly for you.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1346576191 | 1347097082 | null | t5_2to41 | 87 | verbotits: TIFU by asking/pestering a friend to see her boobs
I, after a dare by some friends, texted a female friend to show me her boobs. It started out as a joke and we even hung out later in the day, but I just keep pushing to try to actually get a picture.
There'd been a little bit of a history between the two of us and we tend to flirt around a lot, but she's not single and I'd really like to try and act like an actual friend and not some "nice guy." At some point, and probably in part due to alcohol, this 'joke' turned into a mission and I just kept pushing and pushing to see some tits...to the point where I feel I upset her.
I feel awful about the whole thing and apologized for the whole thing. She said it was alright, since I was only joking.
But....well, I wasn't. I wanted pics of my friends tits and didn't care how I was acting...and I don't think that was any way to treat anyone I'd like to call a friend.
I don't know what to do next time I see her.
stephiej17: Do you know how many male friends I've lost because of this? Good one asshole.
anorabl: Yeah. Even when I'm interested in a guy, the second they start asking for body pics I just start to lose interest. Like seriously. If I'm dating you I'll show you anything you want, and if I'm not, you have no reason to see my body. Go look at porn.
stephiej17: And why would a (smart) female send a naked picture of herself?! That shit can spread around like wildfire if you aren't careful.
anorabl: She wouldn't. But yeah, it's obnoxious to know that at any moment every male friend can turn into "sooo... wanna trade pix" guy. And often does once horny or drunk. It really makes friendship awkward.
Scarletfapper: The guy was a tool but I take offense at this. I'm not going to excuse his behaviour but don't lump me in with him, FFS.
If that's your idea of "every guy" you're hanging out with the wrong guys.
anorabl: okay, every guy I've ever become friends with in my entire adult life isn't you, then.
Scarletfapper: Then you're *definitely* hanging out with the wrong guys.
And seriously, every single one of them's tried? Because that's just impressive (sad, but impressive). Or are you just that paranoid about the rest of them because that's what a few of them did?
anorabl: A little from each column.
Scarletfapper: If it's a little of each then it's really only the second one - a few ruined it for the rest. I imagine there's a certain grey area where you're starting to suspect a few of them can't be far off...
anorabl: perhaps.
"poor choice in friends" goes deeper but I don't want to get into all that out in the open of reddit.
Scarletfapper: I've been there, so I won't push you on that.
| 12 | 7.25 | |
1346564392 | 1346739095 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | Specialcat: TIFU by not reading a message from my mobile provider properly
TIFU by not reading a message from my mobile provider properly. The message said I had used 25% of my usage value and 100% of my data value.. I however, just read the first line about only using 25% of my usage and I just continued to browse reddit. Now my phone bill is over $300! :(
marcdaniel: call them and dispute it, they'll credit it down for you.
Specialcat: Thanks for the great advice! They ended up taking $120 off for me because I've never been over my cap before :)
marcdaniel: glad to hear :)
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1346595858 | 1346819990 | null | t5_2to41 | 288 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost blinding myself with hydrochloric acid
I work at a local pool during the summer. We have a toilet bowl cleaner (Misty Bolex) that is 23% hydrochloric acid. It's fairly strong. If you do so much as drip the diluted stuff that's in the toilet bowl onto your foot, you better be near a water faucet or you're gonna have a nice burn. We're probably not the smartest by using it, seeing as how most of us are in nothing but swim trunks. Anywho, I was assigned to clean the toilets one day. I grabbed all the stuff in one arm: paper towels, disinfectant, the toilet brush, and the toilet bowl cleaner. Now, the toilet bowl cleaner has one of those flip open lids with the spout, and whoever used it last didn't close the lid. So, as I go to set all the stuff up on the sink, the toilet bowl cleaner slips from my arm. Being the genius that I am, I looked straight down at it. As it hit the ground, a couple of nice, big drops shot out of the bottle, landing squarely in my left eye. I let out a little weird yelp-type thing and run outside, thinking I could yell at someone to get the key from my supervisor to get the eye-wash out of the chemical room, then realized what an idiot I was being and ran back inside the bathroom and immediately started flushing my eye out with water from the faucet. After 15 good minutes of flushing, my eye is swollen and still has 20/20 vision.
**TL;DR: Got toilet bowl cleaner (23% hydrochloric acid) in my eye, freaked out, douched it like a mofo.**
goblan: "This doesn't taste like hydrochloric acid" - kid in chemistry lab
Watchman304: Jimmy was the chemist's son,
but Jimmy is no more,
for what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4.
acfman17: Jimmy was the chemists sun
He died at an early age from a disease that doctors couldn't identify
The end
Mit3210: I want my own personal star!
turtlekitty30: [you name it and launch the name aboard a rocket](http://www.nameastarlive.com/)
| 6 | 48 | |
1346631186 | 1347244733 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | phi186: TIFU by breaking my hand skydiving.
On jump 3 of AFF (Advanced Free Fall) today. Yesterday my landings were perfect, on feet both times. Today I came in too hot, hit the ground hard and broke 3 bones in my left hand (could have been worse). [proof](http://imgur.com/a/vX3vZ)
Koldhaart: First of all, it's awesome that you went skydiving. Big props, I wish I could do it.
But I came here to tell you that you look a lot like one of my childhood friends, who was also very proud to be an Aussie, which I thought was coincidental because of your shirt in the first picture. Have a great day.
phi186: i'm half aussie! do i know you?
Caffeinewriter: If there's a reunion between childhood friends, you'd better share the tearful joyful moments with Reddit
phi186: http://i.imgur.com/z5rG7.png
Caffeinewriter: Best day so far on Reddit :) this is fantastic! Congrats on the reunion!
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1346633450 | 1346658316 | null | t5_2to41 | 167 | [deleted]: TIFU by inadvertently setting up my brothers car for a break in.
So my older brother kicks ass! whenever he comes over he takes all of us out to eat and pays for **everything**. This time I wanted to chip something in, and tried giving him some cash, but he refused again and again. I decided to leave the cash in his back seat.
Fast forward to this morning.
I get a call from him saying how he so wishes we would go over to long island more, because he hates coming to NJ.
I ask what happened?
He says someone randomly broke his rear passenger window last night in Newark.
IDK if I should tell him I know why.
Reddit.....TIFU :(
EDIT: It's a Porsche Panamera ....I cannot afford to change that window
EDIT: yaaaay his insurance pays for it
but still a fuck up.
should i tell him though?
EDIT: I told him and he was laughing.
He said "at least insurance is gonna pay SOMETHING, I'm sick of throwing money into that shit for nothing back. Let those asses pay" :) :)
Shelbyram: TIL what a Porsche Panamera is. Also TIL I would cut off my right leg in exchange for one.
ajanitsunami: ...but then you wouldn't be able to drive it.
themettaur: Ah, but he's left-footed.
speaknott: Gonna be tough to drive a stick shift.
Joelmeyer1221: That's what pineapples are for!
wikthis: speaking of pineapples, my GF hid a sponge in a pineapple at a grocery store she works at *you know the ones that are pre-cut but there are like 20 pieces in it*
[deleted]: Good to know...
| 8 | 20.875 | |
1346633903 | 1346648960 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | InkedRed: TIFU by dropping a full roll of toilet paper in the toilet.
I was about to replace the toilet paper holder, but first I took a piece off to wipe the toilet seat down, then the toilet paper roll just randomly felt like jumping out of my hands, rolling down my arm, and splashing in the toilet, getting piss germs everywhere.
polarbobbear: Yeah this doesn't really qualify for this subreddit. Accidentally ruining a 25cent roll of TP is hardly a major fuck up.
themystery558: True, but then he had to figure out a way to get the toilet paper out.
InkedRed: And clean up the piss germs that splashed everywhere.
(I didn't flush prior)
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1346644773 | 1346876277 | null | t5_2to41 | 588 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping an old lady
So I was walking down the street of the town I live in and I see a very elderly woman in a walker having trouble with a large door. So I decide to be helpful and open the door. I got the door half way open then BAM! Faster then the hammers of hell she unleashes upon me a can of mace. I'm talking the high powered cop shit with an NYPD emblem I'm the can. I dropped to the ground while she screamed that I was trying to stab her (I luckily didn't have any knives on me) but as I rolled around in pain the cops come and start questioning me. I Didn't get in any shit but the ladies mace was confiscated and I couldn't see clear for an good amount of time.
Magicmole: Not your fault, crazy paranoid mofos, helping people is good, but you will always have a crazy every once in a while. Don't worry about it. :)
[deleted]: That's true. This happened about a week ago and the other day I saw her shuffling down the street giving me the look of unholy genocide. Doesn't help that I'm an almost stereotypical skater ( long hair ect)
davidzysk: At first I thought you were black.
[deleted]: Nope I am Caucasian
davidzysk: The most surprising thing I have ever heard.
[deleted]: Lol how so?
| 7 | 84 | |
1346645601 | 1346706305 | null | t5_2to41 | 73 | creamysoup: TIFU by eating a burrito with tabasco sauce, and with capsaicin laden fingers scratched my asshole
TLDR: burns man
SceretAznMan: Tabasco is weak sauce.
You must be white.
[deleted]: Tabasco is freaking sour. As a Indian that is not hot at all.
SceretAznMan: exactly, I enjoy the vinegar taste to it. I only like it on certain things though.
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1346651252 | 1346669209 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | fukinthrowdaway: TIFU and let someone into my appt to use our phone, ended up getting robbed...
So this guy jumps down onto our appt patio around 11pm, and asks to use our phone. End up letting him after a bit of hesitation and he ends up offering to help us find weed. So we give him a ride to some sketch neighborhood and he says he's going to go in pick it up and come back (I knew this was a bad idea, but did it anyway like a dumbass). After 2 hours we finally decide he wasn't coming back so we return home to find that he's also taken my roommates iTouch as well as my 40$.
Still have the numbers he dialed on my phone, and we have a pretty damn good idea which house he went into before he disappeared with our shit. I'd like to call the cops, but wasn't sure how well it would go over considering I was trying to buy pot... Any thoughts on what we should do next?
pffr: Just leave out the weed part and say he wanted a ride and promised to come out with some gas money.
fukinthrowdaway: Not a bad idea. He also gave us some of his songs from one of his albums, and I just realized it looks like he left his real name on one of them... What a moron...
aahdin: I had a similar situation, they really won't ask you that many questions other than what he looked like, what numbers, etc.
And even then, I doubt they would care if you were trying to buy pot.
Well, my story, some normal looking guy was standing next to a truck, and told me his truck just broke down and he needed to borrow my cellphone. I let him borrow it, and he hopped in his truck and drove off. Not much fun.
The police got the guy, and the guy he sold the phone to apparently felt bad, so he found me and gave me the phone back.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1346650637 | 1350487843 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by realising at 3am that my my law assignment which I had not started, was due at 9am.
Thank fuck I saw a facebook status complaining about it. Still, I can't stop kicking myself because this whole weekend I did nothing because I assumed it was due on friday.
Luckily, because I have the will of the warrior I managed to finish it the best a ridiculously sleepy, caffeine enhanced person can. Sadly it was tort law which I'm the worst at so it doesn't really make sense, I'm just hoping to scrape a few marks and pass.
I'm probably going to fail though, it was worth 30% of my end of year mark, fucking hell.
Next year, next year I won't be such an idiot and will fix my gpa. maybe, hopefully..
[deleted]: i like it how you have the will of the warrior and started and finished it anyway at 3am.
PLEASE provide a TIFUpdate.
when will you find out?
[deleted]: Hey, not sure if you still care but finally got my marks back, also I am a fucking badass. Got a credit. This blows my mind I thought I was going to fail dismally.
The comments almost killed me- Generally quite a good answer. But sadly, you failed to address conversion in the last question. (you paper was overall on a D level for the first 4 questions) *more specific criticism*
*D = distinction which equals amazing mark. I am not a D student, I'm very much a barely passing type of girl so this just blows my mind that I'm smarter when I'm in not gonna give a fuck mode.
[deleted]: I certainly do still care, I remember this TIFU well.
Congratulations, excellent work! And happy birthday, the part after the exam wil be like euphoria ;)
Here's what happened to me in the meantime: http://imgur.com/a/Vymfl
[deleted]: Thanks :) wow impressive. Looks like you won, so you must be pretty good, congrats. Take care of yourself internet stranger. The worrying girl in me thinks thats probably painful.
[deleted]: I was very happy yes. How kind of you to worry about me internet stranger! I'll try and keep it together.
Next stop: let me know when you're celebrating your birthday ;)
EDIT: sorry about the damage my face caused you.
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1346650268 | 1346690375 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | byrne21: TIFU by totaling my 3 week old car
I'm 20 and I had a perfect driving record until now. I got a new car (used, but new to me) less than a month ago, and tonight I was on the wrong end of a crunch with a much bigger car. My mom was in the car with me. We're ok, but the car is not and never will be.
DougeryThuggery: Hate to one up you, but last November, I had mine totalled in 5 days.
Bought it on Friday. Picked it up on Saturday. Registered it on Monday. Got rear ended on Tuesday, totalling the car.
ChootchMcGooch: Did your insurance replace it? I. Sure it couldnt devalued enough for them not to give you the exact amout youbpaid for it? (Minus the deductible)
CatastropheJohn: Never happen. You pull it off the lot, you subtract *X* %
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1346687495 | 1346774268 | null | t5_2to41 | 561 | Fwdslash1: TIFU by dropping my cellphone in a 'Danger Zone' at Six Flags
I went to Six Flags (Jackson, NJ) this past Saturday. I got on the superman ride location. I had my cellphone in my pocket. Went through a sweet loop and felt something slip out of my shorts. Turns out it was my iPhone. Asked the employees what I could do. They said to file a lost/found report.
As I was getting off the, a couple friends and I saw where the phone had landed. It was inside of a danger zone which only Six Flags employees could access. We asked an employee who was around that area and he said he usually does the rounds at all the rides picking up items from danger zones. His name was Mike.
I went to file my report and gave as much information as I could. At this point, i used my wife's iPhone and logged into the "Find my iPhone app" and it showed up here: http://imgur.com/9k6i2. I showed them this image and they immediately knew the phone was in a danger zone and that no one would be able to access it until the next day when the park closes.
I went home thinking I would be fine because it would be returned to me because it was in a safe "Danger Zone". WRONG.
I checked the Find my iPhone app early Sunday morning just to see if they had grabbed it. To my dismay, it showed up here: http://imgur.com/HbmNt
I was shocked. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There was only 1 explanation. An employee from Six flags, that has access these areas, stole the phone. I immediately called the Lost & Found office and told them that I had image proof that the phone was taken from a Danger Zone. They said they couldn't help me and that their employees wouldn't steal items.
At this point, I'm really pissed and don't know what to do. I tried contacting NJ Police but they didn't sound too happy about allocating resources into finding my phone.
**tl;dr: Dropped my iPhone in a Danger Zone at the Superman ride at Six Flags, about 100% positive a douchebag employee stole it.**
Edit: Guys, I haven't heard anything back from anyone (Police, six flags, the media). Looks like this baby is long gone. I have since deactivated it and sent a full wipe request through Find My iPhone. Thanks for everyone's advice on this small dilemma.
I've had a few days to clear my mind. I don't know if any of you have heard but.....
They're announcing (most likely) the iPhone 5 next week! It couldn't have come at a better time.
Once again, thanks all for your advice. You guys are awesome.
HazzyPls: So with some [internet magic](http://www.whitepages.com/search/MapView?lower=1&search_id=22031650358769740129), we can roughly narrow down the culprit to a few people. Go make some heads roll.
Fwdslash1: Wow, nice catch. Looks like it could be Dana or Lois
Assaultman67: What about the guy named "mike"
Fwdslash1: Mike was one of the security guys I spoke to immediately after my phone was dropped. He told me that they wouldn't have access to it until the park closed.
Ninj4s: And there's a Mike in the list.. The GPS location is not 100% correct. Get the guys last name, the one you talked to.
Fwdslash1: You're right. I was able to find this: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/michael-kavanagh/24/564/b62. I think that might be him.
Edit: Nevermind. Looks like he's in the NYC area.
| 7 | 80.142857 | |
1346668952 | 1346853636 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by not wiping my ass enough.
Apparently I didn't wipe my ass enough last night and now I am, um, how do I say this. Remove the dried up shit from my ass-hair....
Edit:
it hurts like a bitch so far.
SPDSKTR: [Here's a solution.](http://www.amazon.com/Micro-Touch-Max-Hair-Remover/dp/B003ZW9LOQ) It even has a little light so you can see what you're doing back there.
[deleted]: Let me tell you that you do NOT want to remove the hair from your ass. Reason being that the hair works in many ways. I'm not going to get into specifics but most of them involve sweaty days. oh lawd the smells...
SPDSKTR: I was just going to say cut the hair right below the dingleberry... don't shave it bald.
I remember reading something about someone who Nair'd their ass. He basically said the hair acts as a filter, keeps you from feeling gross when sweating, and so forth. Sure, it might cause a dingleberry here and there, but that can be easily removed.
[deleted]: My advice, eat more fiber and wipe thoroughly, but not too thorough because that could cause tears in the skin.
SPDSKTR: Oh, I'm fine with my turds. It's OP we gotta worry about.
Charmin FTW.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1346648856 | 1346837586 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Certainlynotaninja: Tifu by smearing shit on my bathroom wall
So after a nice long shit I began to rid the outer skin of my anus with TP. Some how the TP decided to be springy somehow and fling a chunk of shit upon my white wall. Since it was 2am and I was extremely tired, I decided to try and wipe it off. Now there is a smeary brownish spot on my white bathroom walls.
redmustang04: Why the fuck would do that unless you were totally wasted?
DJBBlanxx: Even then...yeesh.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1346710699 | 1346731231 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | smartedpanda: TIFU by not showing up to work at a brand new job
I got a new job about two-three month agos, it's a legit job within my field of degree, and the pay is outstanding for what I do. I've been doing well, the week before (last week of August), not so much since school is starting back up I ended up late due to the bad traffic congestion, which is heavily frowned upon.
Today, Labor Day, I was checking my schedule to make sure I was suppose to come in at 7:00PM until 11:00PM, when I logged in to check, I saw it stated at 7:00AM until 11:00AM, I double check the sign up sheet, and noticed military time that are AFTER my name.
Basically meaning TIFU, badly.
NoICannotBeOriginal: I'm sure you can explain your position, how you didn't notice the military time, and then say I won't let it happen again. Always double check the schedule and make sure it doesn't happen again. I sure hope you still have the job.
smartedpanda: I noticed the military time which triggered my gears clicking, that I was looking at my shift in AM time not PM.
I emailed them, all of them, per procedure, and the head manager stated "All was forgiven" =] Just hope she means it.
ICGraham: im sure she does
NoICannotBeOriginal: Agreed
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1346720248 | 1346735074 | null | t5_2to41 | 141 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my $900 video camera at the mall... and it had a private homemade porn of me and my gf saved on it
Title says it all. Left it on the back of a chair. I remembered 30 mintues later and ran back as fast as I could and it was gone. Asked at the restaurant if anyone handed it in to them, they said no. I checked with security and lost and found, they didn't have it. How could I have been so stupid? As upsetting as it is that the camera is gone and it was expensive and I loved it and used it all the time, it has some extremely intimate and personal data saved on it, which will probably now end up on some scumbag website. Fuck my life, I've never been so upset before, and it's ALL MY FAULT. Hold me, reddit. I need someone to hug and make me feel better.
imadogg: You fucked up by having your homebrewed sextape on there.. why would you not have it saved on your computer and delete it from your camera before taking the camera anywhere? Wtf man
uglybunny: Hey, he *said* he fucked up.
imadogg: Well yea that's the subreddit haha. I was specifying since he said he fucked up by forgetting the camera at the mall.. I was saying he fucked up in the first place by leaving his house with some damn HOMEMADE PORN on his camera... why would you ever do that
[deleted]: that feel when your fuck-up is so colossal, even the folks on /tifu/ don't understand
imadogg: Fucked up bad man :(
| 6 | 23.5 | |
1346738213 | 1346750511 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU By taking my boyfriend's car to urgent care without asking
I have been feeling awful sine Thursday and had been running a fever. Not only that, but I probably have TMJ issues, as during the time I started getting sick, I started getting numbing and tingling in my mouth and all over my face. Anyhow I woke up early and started freaking out because I was cold sweating and my face and tongue were numb. My boyfriend and roommates were on the couch and I straight up left without a word... with my boyfriend's car. At the urgent care I got a nasty phone call and barrage of texts from him and ended up ditching the doctors to return his car.
Tl;Dr panicked from fever and numb face, stole boyfriend's car.
TonightsWhiteKnight: Sounds like your boyfriend is a dick, and you deserve better. Heck, He should have driven you himself.
andianopolis: if I would have said something, he probably would have. I'm at fault for not saying anything at the time.
TonightsWhiteKnight: Still, did he apologize after you told him you went to the ER? Ditching out on the ER leads me to believe he wasn't very receptive to your needs.
andianopolis: Nope. I got cold shouldered. Or it feels like that anyways. I came in from getting my prescriptions, our roommate took me and he didn't say a thing or even look at me.
PapaTizzy1: He sounds like an asshole. Yes, you probably should have told him but you were sick and panicking, shit happens. He needs to stop being a douche and get over it.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1346753140 | 1368511876 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,683 | loozerr: TIFU Installing a Door
So I decided to replace a door ruined with stickers, drawings and scratches. Everything went well, until I closed the door I had just installed. I'll let the picture tell the thousand words:
[****link****](http://i.imgur.com/DpJR2.jpg)
DeathHaze420: Measure twice?
pilvy: Measure:Not even once.
loozerr: Yeah, what kind of a wuss measures or reads manuals?
pilvy: Looks like you need...
(•_•)
( •_•)
(⌐■-■)
(⌐■_■)
Mordoor
loozerr: That was painfully weak.
pilvy: I know, lol I can't believe people still read these 8 days later.
PinkyShin08: Or two months later...
pilvy: lol awesome, I can see this goin on for ages now
[deleted]: Never forget
pilvy: but....but....*amazed*
Xscepi: Then be amazed some more.
pilvy: http://i.imgur.com/mYDFS.gif
Ultra_Penguin: Hello?Anybody here?
pilvy: http://i.imgur.com/UWy7I.gif
Alexbo8138: Never ending.
pilvy: [Jeeeeeesus, 6months later, you are awesome :D](http://imgur.com/ZZnS5rm)
loozerr: [Hey.](http://l00z.pp.fi/s/i/heman.gif)
pilvy: Damn, I'm stunned, awesome gif, good work man!
How is the door now? Don't be another safe-guy!
loozerr: It's got a brand new one! Anyway, I don't live there anymore. :)
| 20 | 84.15 | |
1346760749 | 1346895180 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my photographer I'm in love with him.
He's a photographer. I'm doing part-time modeling and he was taking photos for my portfolio. We dated for a little while several months ago and he pulled the plug on it. I wasn't very happy with it, but whatever. So we've started talking again on a friendship basis. Just recently he agreed to take some photos of me for my modeling portfolio, then when those results came out got really excited and wanted to extend the shoot another day. I was perfectly okay with our platonic friendship (I still felt strongly about him but I'm pretty good at being professional and hiding it like a fucking boss). Because the shoot involved wine as a prop we were drinking it, naturally. When we got back to his apartment to grab my change of clothes for another set (we're both a little buzzed), he walks up and kisses me after I cracked some stupid joke. Needless to say it got hot and heavy but we finished the shoot, then played the just the tip game for a little while after he insisted he "wanted to have sex, but didn't want to because he doesn't love me and I don't love him." I get that, he wants to change his ways. So I get my stuff and head home, and he seemed pretty eager to get me out of there but for some reason followed me out the door. I felt like yelling at him right then. So I got really emotional and went for some food to sober up and cried to a waitress at IHOP around midnight who told me I should tell him how I feel. I slept on it, and woke up at 6:45AM and texted him right then (he's an early riser). Text: *Last night when you said no because you don't love me and I don't love you? You were wrong about me.*
God, I'm such a fucking dumbass.
UPDATE: He texted me back and shot me down. :(
**TL;DR Got emotional and sent my photographer a text confessing my feelings for him.**
woolleybear: Maybe you should use your pagan magic on him?
[deleted]: Funnay. How did you know I'm pagan?
woolleybear: My pagan magic works online.
[deleted]: ...You know me from somewhere, don't you?
woolleybear: No, lol I just saw your OKc page.
[deleted]: Oh. Yeah. Makes sense.
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1346782820 | 1346808070 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | ADINPA: I broke a major pipe in my house and can't tell anyone.. Any plumbers?
trouphaz: Just make up a story. Say you caught a guy who broke into your house and caught him in the basement. You grabbed the nearest weapon which just happened to be a weight and threw it at him. Lucky for him, he ducked just in time, but the weight damaged the plumbing. You threw some duct tape on it to prevent a mess, but had to leave it to chase after the thief. In the ensuing scuffle, you completely forgot about the state of the plumbing and only remembered 3 years later.
TechnoL33T: You are a terrible liar and should never get into politics.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1346778133 | 1346861659 | null | t5_2to41 | 107 | Tronberr: TIFU by masturbating. NSFW
I had been wanking for a good 30/45 minutes and hadn't wanked all week.
I was just about to finish and of course after a week of no masturbation it was bound to be messy, right? Well, it was messier than I thought.
As the cum shot straight out it ended up hitting me in the eye, it burned for about a good hour or so afterwards, my eye was all red and bloodshot and required a lot of washing up. I guess that'll teach me not to lay down and wank, right?
At least I didn't get it in my hair.
BigBurlyMan: If it got in your eye, which obviously means it's on your face, then it surely got in your mouth!
Tronberr: Nope, used my other eye to see where I was going and use a towel. That's when I accidentally opened my sperm eye.
LiveAndLetDiarrhea: [Congratulations you dumbass kid.](http://i.imgur.com/0o1OE.png) I hope you learn something from all this.
[deleted]: Wait, how do you assign flair to someone like that? I haven't figured it out yet.
Tankenstein: Reddit enhancement suite.
| 6 | 17.833333 | |
1346784118 | 1347131275 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | ChaplinStrait: TIFU by murdering an unhatched chick.
I live on a ranch/farm and our hens have been hatching out chicks for the past week or so.
There are just two hens that have been sitting on the eggs. Well if you know anything about hens you would know that if they are the right type(broody) they will lay on their fertilized eggs for about 2 weeks until they start hatching. The eggs need this warmth to survive and hatch into babies. Well after about six eggs hatched one hen just said screw it and got off her eggs to care for the chicks from her eggs and the other hen's too. So now there were about six to ton eggs unattended, and, bein the good hen that she is, the other hen started alternating between laying on her eggs and the other six-ten unattended. Which meant that a lot of the eggs were hatching but dying right after that because they were too Cold.
So after finding like three dead chicks I decide to move all the eggs to one spot so she could stay on them all at once. I put on a glove to avoid being pecked to death and starting moving the eggs. She pecked my hand several times but it didn't hurt because of the glove. But then she pecked a delicate egg really hard and it shattered the exterior, leaving the poor wee black chick that wasnt ready yet to spill all over, which she pecked up and ate. (Gag) . Not to mention the absolutely horrifying stench that wreaked forth from the remains, leaving me gaging and I thought I was gonna puke.
I felt so awful that I hoofed it it of there and left the other eggs.
Sorry this was long, but I feel like I screwed up big time y'all :( also, I'm on my phone so sorry for the spelling/format errors.
TL;DR tried moving unhatched baby chicks to save them, hen pecked the egg open and baby spill everywhere. :(
RIP wee black chick <3
Justanothercowgirl: I've lived on a farm my entire life so I've raised all kinds of animals, including chickens. When I was about 8, I convinced my Mom to finally let me incubate some eggs from our hens. I wanted to hand raise them so they'd be easier to handle later on and because it was fun. So after waiting weeks they started hatching one or two at a time. There was about 10 regular sized eggs and 5 banty eggs (smaller type of chicken). Eventually there was only 3 or so eggs left, 2 of which were infertile/rotten. The last one was a banty trying to hatch out but after 14 hours or more I was really worried. It usually takes about 8 hours from when it first breaks through the shell. So being an 8 year old, I decided to hatch it out myself. I gently broke a small piece of the egg and then started taking more off. Eventually I had the chick out and left it lying in the incubator, as all the other chicks had done, to warm up and dry off. It was so weak that it died a little while after that. I cried for days about it and felt I had murdered it. I'm 21 now and I still feel horrible about it. I'm not sure that me "helping" it killed it but I never forgot that tiny banty chick or the lesson it taught me. So I know how you feel. :(
TL;DR I tried to help a chick hatch but basically killed it by accident instead.
ChaplinStrait: Yeah this one was banty too :( I'm sorry about that, there's nothing worse than accidentally hurting something.
Justanothercowgirl: D: at least it wasn't on purpose and we learned from our mistakes. Right?
ChaplinStrait: Yeah. I'm just really glad I'm successfully keeping the other eight alive and well.
Justanothercowgirl: Good :) What breeds do you have? Or are they crosses?
ChaplinStrait: They're from a panty(edit; ahahahah panty okay I meant banty but I'm so leaving that) rooster, though which I'm not sure as we have three(yes I know too many for the small flock we have but they were supposed to be hens >:( ) and they're all different colors/breeds of banty. The mother hens though are two Americanas. The chicks are so cute! They finally all came out of the barn today to peck around. Adorable.
I see you ride?
Justanothercowgirl: I totally understand, we have always had more than one rooster. Usually one or two bantys and then a regular sized one. My favorite breeds are Americaunas and then Mille Fleur d'Uccle or Mille Le fleurs which are an awesome banty breed I discovered. We bought a rooster and two hens at the local auction and they turned out to be the best layers, setters and all around chickens we've ever had. Great personalities too. Eventually I looked up their breed online.
Anyway, yes I used to ride. I have chronic pain and several other conditions now that prevent me from riding now. It was heart breaking to sell my mare but I couldn't take care of her properly and she deserved to be in a loving home with affection everyday. Her name was Western Dandilion (Dandi), she was a breeding stock palomino paint that I bought as a weanling. I raised her up to a 4 year old but like I said, I had to sell her. I've always been around horses and got my first at age 8 (I'm 21 now) & I love pretty much all animals but horses are my passion. My Aunt breeds and shows Arabs though so I can visit her horses when I feel up to it. Do you ride too?
ChaplinStrait: Aw that's so sad you had to sell her! But its really good of you to out aside your wants and needs for your horse. She deserves that and so many people don't give that to their horses. Yes I do ride! I actually have three horses and I have several clients I work with as my job. It's really wonderful. I actually have a fun show on Sunday :)
Justanothercowgirl: What kind of horses? Do you ride western? That's great that you get to do something you love. I never showed and I took both English and western riding lessons but I learned to ride out in the pasture. I loved trail riding, that was my favorite.
ChaplinStrait: I have one native American paint horse and two quarter horses. I ride both english and western, though I only train my clients western as I'm just starting out in English, not too good yet at training for collection/connection.
Justanothercowgirl: You should post some pictures of them sometime, I'd love to see them. Western was my favorite. I also loved outback saddles.
ChaplinStrait: Test I should, I don't have any right now but will be taking tons tomorrow at the show so maybe if you friend me you can see them soon. Yeah I've only ridden one of those several times and it didnt fit me but I think it'd be cool to have one.
Justanothercowgirl: I friended you :). Good luck at your show today and have lots of fun! If I could ride and had the money I'd get an outback saddle for the trails. The one I used a few times was much more comfortable than my western saddle. Anyway like I said, have fun and good luck!
ChaplinStrait: Hey thanks so much!!! Yknow maybe there's always a chance that later on you will get a horse just for a companion. I read that petting horses releases hormones in your body that relaxes you. So they are a big stress releaser.
| 15 | 1.933333 | |
1346790913 | 1346943690 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | squeezy_bob: TIFU by wasting my chance to get laid.
It happened last april, but found this reddit today.
I'm that guy who is friends with everybody but hasn't enough balls to talk to girls.
Long story short, i met a girl at facebook, day after that i saw her downtown, she started talking and then asked me if i would come over that night to watch a movie at her place.
I said yes.
Fast forward a couple of hours, we where watching our 3rd movie in her bed, i was having my arm around her, and she had her head on my chest.
- movie is finished, we lay there a couple of minutes, and then she said "go ahead and feel how nice my ass is" Did that. It felt awesome.
Was to scared to go any further, so still a virgin, still never kissed a girl.
The girl moved away a month later.
**TL;DR could have lost my virginity, fucked up.**
EDIT: saw her on facebook again today, only to find out that she has become even more good looking then before.
DavidBolkonsky: I imagine she must have felt pretty bad.
"I invited this guy over at night. We are watching our third movie in my bed. I even let him feel my ass. Do I have to hold up a sign that says 'fuck me please'? Does he think I'm ugly? Fat? Are my boobs too small? Does my breath smell bad? Does he think I'm a slut? Why does no one find me attractive here? I hate this city."
squeezy_bob: I have never thought if it that way. She already thought the city was shit, maybe i "helped" her just that little to get out of here..
TheCount913: buddy u have the best opportunity here... come clean about how nervous you were to make a move because she is so beautiful and you feel attracted to her, if shes not a girl with serious commitment issues you may have a hot girl to sleep with on a regular basis.
squeezy_bob: she has a boyfriend now, so that's a big no-no i think.
TheCount913: How did this girl go from leting you feel her ass to having a bf, sounds likw shes the type of girl who toys with guys, I'd be careful... Also how old are you guys?
squeezy_bob: This happened a couple of months ago, about a month later she moved to another city and got a boyfriend there.
At that time i was 16 and she 17. But why does age matter in this case?
TheCount913: you guys are young and while relationships do last at that age, they also don't, I say if your all hung up on her wait and see if there's another opportunity, if not by all means move on.
squeezy_bob: Yeah, it would be fucked when she moved anyway i guess. I will keep an eye on her for later, you never know, but it will not be my first priority.
I'm busy partying and have made progress there. Still haven't kissed a girl though, but I'm getting there.
I still think of this failure almost every day though.
| 9 | 6.444444 | |
1346792599 | 1346874305 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | paki123: TIFU by missing my first exam of the year because I slept in...
I'm fucked.
Caitlyn_: Everyone does this, sure, you're probably fucked, but there might be a chance to retake it.
TheBiles: Everyone does not do this.
Fauropitotto: Everyone has done it before or will do it in the future.
TheBiles: Then how did I make it through 4 years of college without doing it?
Fauropitotto: You haven't done it yet, but some time in the future you will oversleep and end up running late for something.
paki123: No he won't. He's never gonna be tardy ever. Don't say that.
| 7 | 7.142857 | |
1346804989 | 1346877182 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | throwaway5393: TIFU by leaving out my pot paraphernalia while my mother's LDS (mormon) friends came over
.
[deleted]: Reminds me of when I was recently out of shoulder surgery and hopped up on percocet and my dad had his church buddies over.
Church buddy: "hey looks like you messed up your shoulder, how does it feel?"
Me: "**I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS HAHAHAHAHAHA**"
To be honest the stern talking to that followed fell on rather deaf ears.
useless-erics: Oh god why is that so funny. I just imagined you in some sort of recliner and your dads friends are all gathered around you and then one man kneels down and with such sincerity in his voice asks you how you're feeling. Then you start to chuckle and lean forward and scream "I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS" while laughing hysterically. Your father ushers the men out of the room and slams the door but it can't drown out your laughter. Nothing can.
[deleted]: hahaha fuckin awesome [6]
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1346804623 | 1346862885 | null | t5_2to41 | 123 | internetisland: TIFU and interrupted a funeral procession
Driving home from classes, I was waiting at an intersection for the light to turn green, clearly not paying attention, I notice a hearse go by and think to myself "Heh, don't see those everyday"
The left hand turn light ones green and I drive into the right side of the lane. I'm driving the regular speed limit and see a long ass line of cars speed up, blaring their horns at me.
Not sure wtf is going on, a majority of them shift to the left hand lane and one car speeds up to my side, it's an angry black guy screaming at me to pull over, while his wife is cranking up at the absurdity of everything.
Feeling a vast amount of shame for disrespecting the dead and the friends and family, I just kept going until the procession was in my rear view mirror.
TL:DR: wasn't paying attention, cut off long funeral car line, pissed off grieving emotional people, "da faq just happened?"
NoICannotBeOriginal: And don't look back, nothing you can do now.
internetisland: I was pretty much at the front and I couldn't pull over regardless, damage was done.
theonlymillsy: At least you'll live.
Carlow91: ಠ_ಠ
| 5 | 24.6 | |
1346810285 | 1346846765 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girlfriend if she ever left me I would kill her and anyone she even considered dating.
I think I came across a little bit to seriously and she got quite worried when I said "you're my whole world and if you go I have nothing to lose, so why would I be scared of prison? I'll take you with me after I've killed your new boyfriend."
[deleted]: *What the fuck is wrong with you?*
homeless_in_london: If you must know she'd just asked what I'd do if she broke up with me for another person and we've been together so long that filter between brain and mouth just kind of isn't there any more.
In a moment of stupidity and creepiness I just said that I'd kill her, because at the time it seemed like the appropriate thing to say, you know? Then I tried to rescue it by carrying it on but all was lost.
Then she called me a retard and we went out for lunch. I can post proof she's still alive.
Off-topic: Does anyone know where I can get embalming fluid?
leadhot: So wait, what would you really do if she broke up with you? Cause I have a feeling that might not be too far down the line, at this point.
homeless_in_london: Why do people on the Internet assume so much from such little information? Like doc up there analysing my psyche from one small post.
I don't know, be upset and wallow for a while and then move on? Maybe be a bit more distraught than that, since it'd be a huge shock because if I put the same hypothetical question to her it's all tears at the thought.
leadhot: I'm not sure why you created this thread if you weren't expecting famous internet doctors to analyze you.
Why do you think she asked you in the first place?
homeless_in_london: I created the thread because I fucked up and creeped out my girlfriend. Guess I should have seen them coming, though.
We have these hypothetical back and forths all the time, she wasn't being serious. At least I hope not D:
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1346814653 | 1346830895 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | yogiybarra66: by send a /b/ gore thread link to a girl I have feelings for....
davidzysk: why would you send a link to /b/? screen cap it post it to imgur then send him/her the link.
4chan wipes everything out in a few hours, on /b/ it would only take minutes, if that.
yogiybarra66: It was mean for my roommate across the room to gross him out
davidzysk: huh
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1346836906 | 1346894239 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | TimesWasting: TIFU by assuming someone was opening the door for me.
I was at a gas station walking towards the door, and there was a guy walking towards it coming from the other direction. He gets there first and opens it as I get there. I thought I noticed him pause for a sec, so I walked in and ended up nearly bumping into him as he tried to walk in too. I had to speed up my walk since he was right behind me. I mumbled incoherently extremely quietly and tried to rush to the section where I was going.
eKap: Was the guy literally on fire? Covered in pus? Swinging a sword around?
How did you fuck up? You just bumped into some dude.
TimesWasting: Because he wasn't holding the door open for me but I thought he was
bfeliciano: Come visit /r/howtonotgiveafuck. But I didn't tell you about it. :wink:
DQEight: Not that we give a fuck or anything...*wink*
| 5 | 4 | |
1346815110 | 1346862282 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | victordavion: TIFU by forgetting I had a credit card account and just got noticed for an overdue payment because of the annual fee being applied last month.
This is truly embarrassing. I specifically got this card originally as a means to solidify my credit and now it's fucked up again, because of $19.
Is there any recourse that anyone knows about or am I set back yet another 2 years of having to build up my credit again?
afrosheen: How late is it? You can call up the company and ask what they can do to help you in this situation. Make sure you ask **what** they can do to make it hard for them to say no. If they don't you can make closing the account more satisfying by saying credit companies use tax payer money to get bailed out but they don't do shit for consumers.
victordavion: It was due the beginning of August. Billed for July. I'll give this a go.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1346801754 | 1347040129 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | kitsunegari101: TIFU by not bringing bus fare
So today, because I'm not attending my college this semester due to money and health issues, I figured *what the hell, I'm not doing anything today* and decided to go visit some of my friends at the school.
I got ready as usual, shoved my laptop in my bag, and headed out to catch the bus at the end of my street. When I flashed my ID to the driver, she said I needed a new one which I had completely forgot to get (not that I could've anyway, not being enrolled this semester). I said I understood and got off the bus, wondering how I was going to get there; I wasn't going to call my friend to come pick me up since she has very little money for gas. I had also forgotten to bring adequate bus fare...
I decided to walk. *Big* mistake. I live over four miles from my college, and I wasn't wearing the right shoes. As soon as I got there, I just collapsed in one of the booths in the cafeteria.
Turns out it took me about an hour and a half to get there. Lesson learned: Make sure you use the National Bank of Mom before you go anywhere.
MadDrMatt: If your walking pace is 20 min/mile, you didn't fuck up by walking. In fact, you should walk more (the caveat being if you have some health issue that either causes your pace or prevents you from walking much).
kitsunegari101: I'm anemic, and I was smart enough to stop to rest several times in each mile or so. I also had my iron pills on me just to be safe.
MadDrMatt: Ack, that sucks! Health issues are frustrating... sorry for rubbing salt in the wound.
Edit: Makes your TIFU all the more epic, though... gotta remember $$$ for the bus (and make sure it's exact change!).
kitsunegari101: No salt rubbed, no wound to speak of. You're completely okay there! c: I'm trying to get used to walking long distances with it, though, so that's kinda why I considered it a TIFU because I haven't walked that long for a few years with it.
| 5 | 2 | |
1346868808 | 1346878476 | null | t5_2to41 | 330 | [deleted]: TIFU someone's testing situation for the GED Exam.
I give out the GED Test and one of the rules is that you can't leave during the test, or it will be picked up at whatever point you stopped at.
Well, in a session last month a guy (let's call him Stan) had some stomach problems and needed to go. I explained to him about leaving and me having to take his test up. He agreed to stay.
A few minutes later, he came back up to the front and told me it was too much and he had to go. I told him the next testing date and he left.
Fast forward to today. Stan is back for the subject that he missed the first time I saw him. I started the test and there were two students who showed up late. I'm fairly lenient, so I go out of the testing room to explain to them the rules about the test. They had less time then everyone else, but it was a non-issue. the real issue was what happened next.
I was filling out paperwork for the rest of the GED subjects amd I periodically looked around to see if anyone needed something. One of the girls needed a pen, so I told her to come up to the front to get one. She was pregnant, which may or may not be relevant to the story. Anyhow, I go back to working on papers.
As a student was turning in their test and left the room, I notice another one coming in. The same girl that asked for a pen was now sitting back down, only this time she had a handful of tissue. I confronted her and she confessed to leaving the room. I told her next time to let me know what she needed because she could not leave during the test (something I confess to NOT) telling her beforehand as I was rushing her in from being late.
Remember Stan? He turns around and is shocked, and gives me a WTF? type glance before continuing his test. He completed his test and left. After the test my manager called me in her office and told me Stan made a big fuss about what happened earlier.
Apparently, at another testing session he went to, the proctor allowed one person to leave the room at a time. I usually asked before the test if anyone needed to use the bathroom. Now, my manager has to decide whether or not to invalidate the young woman's test, or to appease Stan in some way. Either way, my lack of attention to detail put her on the backburner.
Reddit, TIFU.
Pandumonium1: Could be worse. :/
[deleted]: I'm afraid to ask, but I will anyway :
How?
actuallybatman: The pregnant lady, upon hearing you scold her about leaving the room, could have had her water break due to the stress and got it all over your shoes
abelcc: While spaghetti falls out of OP pocket.
GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: And he can't stop farting.
the4thbandit: And then the farting turns into sharting...
darpho: I think we can safely stop right here and just say "The Aristocrats".
| 8 | 41.25 | |
1346869309 | 1346970074 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | XheartXfingers: TIFU by throwing my friend's retainer away.
So, I was eating my lunch and noticed my friend hadn't finished hers. Well, being the opportunist I am, I asked for her plate, set it on mine, and began happily eating away. As a gesture of appreciation, I decided to throw away both our trays.
Fast forward to my Chemistry class, when said friend notices her retainer isn't in its case. It all hit me at once - she sets her retainer on her tray when she eats. I had thrown away that tray, along with a nice, expensive retainer.
We did get it back, but after we had to dig through the trashcan in the student center in front of lots of students. Which wasn't very fun.
[deleted]: Eew. Garbage mouth.
DQEight: Orbit time!
[deleted]: What?
DQEight: Orbit gum. Dirty mouth commercials.
[deleted]: Ok
| 6 | 4 | |
1346872191 | 1346936005 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | JumpingJak: TIFU by playing a joke on a friend
Today two friends and I went up to some boulders about 200m away from the road to do a bit of climbing, mess around and sit in the sun. When it came to leave two of us came down the to car much faster than the other one so we got in and I drove down the road about 50m to the next layby as a joke. When the other got close again I drove round the corner which was about 20m away and stopped again. When he caught up this time he was seriously pissed off to the extent that he swore at me and hit me with a stick through my open window so I drove on again. He turned around and started walking in the opposite direction so I turned around and picked him up. He was silent the whole way home while I tried to apologise repeatedly and has done a couple of bitchy things since which really were just spiteful.
He's one of my best friends so I feel shitty because I upset him but at the same time I can't help feeling he's over reacting hugely...
Koldhaart: I don't feel like you fucked up. For clarity's sake, though, how much time did this little game take up? And did you all have any dire obligations to attend to (particularly the "victim" of this prank)?
If it wasn't a large span of time and nobody had anywhere to be, I don't see a need to be particularly upset. Certainly not for any appreciable amount of time.
JumpingJak: It probably took about 5 minutes total and noone had anywhere to be
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1346877862 | 1346955478 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | bgar0312: TIFU By accepting counterfeit money as payment.
for starters, i work at the Cheesecake Factory, a rather busy one [credibility](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/x13zh/iama_cheesecake_factory_trainer_ama/). During the afternoon rush had a large table of indian couples 12 ppl. when payment came they all wanted seperate checks quickly. They were all stirring, anxious to leave. a couple of them stoop around me waiting for the checks to print. then while having to run 5 credit cards, some of them start handing me money and walking away. i quickly gaze that its enough, and stuff it in my pocket. 25 minutes later i go to cash out the tabs, and i look closer at the 50. holigram is a little bright. hold it to the light, no strip or hologram. Fuck me. to save face i immediatly brought it to the front bakery and "got change" from the cashier, so cheesecake would cover the loss not me whos trying to make rent. Wish i could've taken a picture but, it all went quick and i wanted it outta my possesion.
Koldhaart: I would have taken your "TIFU" as, "Reddit, TIFU by making payment in the form of a counterfeit $50"
You rent your tables, sales, and section from the restaurant you work for. Your compensation is tips and the (admittedly low) salary paid to you, not to mention the benefits that come from working for an established, legal corporate body. When the payment for your sales comes up short for lapse of judgment on your part, it should come out of your pocket. And this is coming from a guy who has had to pay for a table of 15's order and walk out with less money than I walked in with, all while under the pressure of paying rent, myself. I can't say I support your decision, although I do understand the pressure you were under.
Next time you want sympathy for your mistakes, leave the part out where you cheat somebody else out of their money.
bgar0312: actually big companies have an insurance of sorts for things like this. they actually turn the counterfeit money into the bank and get compinsated with real money. an investigation then takes place. however me as just a worker, dont have said security and would have lost the money. therefore, what would you have done. give it to someone whom it would be reimbursed? or keep it and eat it yourself?
Koldhaart: As I stated previously, I had to cover the food costs of more than 10 members of a 15+ member party who decided to walk out while I was printing their checks. So then the question is begged, why didn't I make the remaining members cover those bills? And while it may seem stupid to have done so, I decided that those other members of the party probably had nothing to do with their friends sticking me with that responsibility, so I allowed them to just pay for their food and leave. I ended up, as I also stated earlier, leaving work with less money than I walked in with at the start of my shift. But this is a risk you take when you work for gratuity and have to basically rent your sales out from under the corporation, which, again, I stated previously.
So yes, I did "keep it and eat it" myself, in your words.
VonFunkenstein: Dude... no real diplomatic way of saying this, but you're a chump
Koldhaart: "Got taken for a ride."
Is that a more diplomatic way of saying it? Or perhaps explaining the situation from your perspective that would lead you to believe I'm gullible? Could that have been more diplomatic?
Not that I mind the sentiment, actually. I just thought that if you were having trouble finding a more diplomatic fashion as you stated, I would just try to be helpful and supply you with some.
Tack122: By the way, I don't know how long ago it was that this happened to you, but that would be illegal in most if not all states now.
Your restaurant could get in a great deal of trouble if they asked you to do that again.
Koldhaart: Well, unfortunately for servers everywhere, and for me at the time, you're both correct and incorrect. You're correct that they can't hold you legally accountable for the amount of money lost. You can get fired for your lack of diligence on preventing walk-outs, though, and they'll hold off on that if you give them the money out of your own pocket. I'm pretty sure that this is the case in most, if not all, right-to-work states. As long as the reason they fire you isn't, "theft" and if they don't force you to cover the tab, they can terminate your employment. That's at least as far as I've been able to figure it.
And I was living in Middle Georgia at a time when jobs were very hard to land, especially in any decent place. It sucks when the most decent job you can find is a country-dinner-Olive-Garden-wannabe. I decided it was worth it to pay this time and keep my job, make more money at a later time and put this experience behind me. I have since moved away from there and haven't worked another restaurant in a while.
I'm also glad that you decided to tell management about it. I'm sure they weren't thrilled, but it's always best to be up-front about things.
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1346880500 | 1347148891 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | atgvrewe: TIFU by sending a text to the girl I have a date with tonight MEANT for the girl I slept with last night.
I got a text from each girl, and the girl from last night sent me a picture of her cleavage, to which I responded by saying something along of "Very nice, hope to see that soon." My phone jumped to the message from the girl I have a date with tonight as I hit send. :-x
I covered up by saying it was to a friend about some scenery from his vacation.
I think she bought it.
Pastor_Bill: If you're sleeping with one girl why don't you forget about the other?
zenyman64: Because he is a fuck up.
atgvrewe: Because I'm single and I can do shit like that, that's why. It's not as though relationship status only has two options: alone and committed.
emikokitsune: Well are you going to tell the girl you slept with you have another date and tell the girl you are dating you just slept with a girl yesterday? This is being honest and single. What a human being should be. Otherwise you're a manwhore. :D
**TLDR: You lie and sleep around, then you're a manwhore. You sleep around and are honest about it, then you're a human being.**
As a side note, you wouldn't have to LIE if you were just single and can do shit like that. Just tell her the truth then.
turtlekitty30: Girl here. Unless he gets down to business with girl #2 tonight or wants to get more serious with either girl then he doesn't have to say anything. It's called dating. Unless he already declared himself as exclusively dating.
I'd reserve the title of manwhore for having sexual relations with more than 1 person.
emikokitsune: I can actually agree with that. Doesn't change the fact that he needs to lie to a girl in order to keep the date. He should just explain himself. I guess I'll take back my title of calling him a manwhore and just call him a liar.
turtlekitty30: He made a texting mistake and avoided an awkward situation. At least he didn't send a pic of his twig n berries. But I'll give you liar. At some point he will probably tell some minor lies on the date tonight.
Her: What did you do last night?
Guy: Played Madden with Derp.
| 8 | 3.875 | |
1346879771 | 1346894964 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | januarysnow: TIFU at work by drastically underestimating the amount of time it would take me to finish a project.
It's the last week of my internship. I made a pretty good impression on my colleagues so far, but for some reason I was terrible at estimating the amount of time it would take me to finish this last project. I don't think I'm going to finish on time but I have a presentation tomorrow. I'm about to just write a really apologetic email to my supervisor because I really don't think this is happening.
I feel like crying...
CaptO: Own up to it, tell the truth and apologise. You're an intern, you're new at this and to be honest them expecting you to accurately gauge how long it would take is a bit unfair.
januarysnow: I did this. Thanks. Still feel a bit guilty, but a lot more sane. Now I can hand off the project to someone else, provided that I do as much of it as I can before I leave. I don't think they were entirely happy with this, but they weren't angry. Ahhh...
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1346890819 | 1347297162 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Alaira314: TIFU by trying to be nice and ending up holding one door for many people while the other door was unused
What it says in the title. Approached a set of standard double doors, opening outwards, with a few people getting ready to come out of both doors. I stepped to the left and held the left-hand door open(pulling it to the left, as doors tend to go) for the people, thinking I'd enter after them. Nope. They just kept coming, all in a single line now, so while the right-hand door was unused I couldn't get to it due to both the people in the way and the fact that nobody was attempting to take the door from me. Never being nice again, next time I'm just going to charge my way in there.
UmUhIdontknow: Are you still there?
KittenPurrs: One hand on the door, the other posting through Alien Blue.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1346883248 | 1347060863 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by not clocking out of work when I was supposed too.
Where I work you sign out of your location and then go to the main office to clock out. I signed out and decided to go say goodbye real quick to a friend working in a nearby location. However when I met up with her she said she was about to go on break and asked me to have lunch with her so I did without even thinking about clocking out.
Anyways we have lunch, I say bye and then head to the main office. I walk in and all eyes are on me. The main boss asked me where I had been so I told her. She let me have it in front of everyone in the office. She said "You've been clocking out after your shift everyday and suddenly you thought it was ok to just not clock out after?! What your saying isn't adding up. We pay you to work! Not to hang out with your friends!" I honestly swear on my life I was not trying to get paid for hours that I wasn't working but I understand how it might have looked that way. I almost cried but held it in and then cried on the way home. I felt like a stupid ass. =[
I wrote a short apology and emailed it to the office when I got home. Hopefully that helps me not look like a jerk.
4boltmain: I've done that doezens of times, luckily places where I worked were kool about it, because I usually brought it to their attention, or I would have an extra 12 hours or so on a shift.
flowercup: Same here but I had a set schedule every week because it was a college job so it was easily fixable.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1346893128 | 1346942464 | null | t5_2to41 | 396 | ISayStevieNicks: TIFU by fapping too vigorously.
I am on a medication (Zoloft) which causes fapping to take a loooong time to...complete. After much too much time, I realized I had broken the skin on my dong and, oh, the bleeding. All day I have been walking around like a 80 year old man. So painful.
DQEight: Wait...zoloft does that?*stares at my zoloft*
binkpits: From memory Zoloft is a drug called Sertraline. An antidepressant that is part of the family of SSRIs. One of the relatively common side effects is anorgasmia which is pretty much just what it sounds like.
Cosmikdebris12: Wait. So you last longer?! Time to switch back to zoloft!
Cb17: Not so much lasting longer as a lower sex drive, and sexual dysfunction. You won't necessarily get the whole package, but it's less easy to be aroused, and can be difficult to reach orgasm or even get an erection.
Cosmikdebris12: Took it for 1.5yrs. Doctor never told me the side effects and did notice my drop in sex drive. Just attributed it to the depression.
HellzInferno: Bastard's been cheating you out of your sexy time.
Full_Of_Win: Fuck him.
Nath_O: If he's on zoloft, he can't.
| 9 | 44 | |
1346895603 | 1346897886 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Simmerfan101: TIFU by being slow in the mornings
My school offers classes off campus, so you have to get to school in time for the bus to come take you off campus, well silly me, sleeps in and takes my slow behind time to get to school, and traffic was so backed up, so I get to school way late, but that doesn't matter because the bus comes late anyways. WRONG! The bus came super early and I missed it, so I had to call my mom and tell her to turn around and take me 30 mins away to my off campus classes. I barely made it to class on time.
DougeryThuggery: Still made it to class on time? You're doing better than I am.
Simmerfan101: Lol, that was the highlight of my day
| 3 | 1 | |
1346896240 | 1346956636 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | brownmanwithskills: TIFU by not registering with my full name.
So, I'm supposed to be taking the MCAT tomorrow. I decide today to re-check the email sent by AAMC (testing company) and realize that the name I had signed up with is my nickname, not my full name. One of the statements in that email stressed that the registered name has to match perfectly with the name on a government-issued license. I called the company and they said that they can't do anything about it and that I need to postpone my test till January. I spend this entire summer studying around 4-6 hours a day for this damn test and now, I feel like I wasted this summer with no real end result. I'll probably have to review during the fall quarter, in addition to classes. So, yea that one mistake cost me $240 and a summer that I'm not gonna get back.
Green27: Yeah at least show up and don't say anything, just try to take it.
Worst case, you get denied and you follow through with the test in January, and you rock the shit out of it.
gotlactose: The MCAT testing sites have extremely stringent security protocols, more annoying than the TSA. It's worth a shot, but they might not let you through.
Additionally, the agency that administers the MCAT is also the agency in charge of the medical school primary application process. By taking the test in that name, it will also be associated with your medical school application profile. Not sure how welcome they are to a name change down the road.
Source: I took the test before, taught the test for a big name test prep company, and am applying now.
| 3 | 22.333333 | |
1346898931 | 1346916651 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by fainting on my dorm floor in a bath towel for 2 minutes. Now no one on my dorm floor will talk to me.
I just started college 2 weeks ago.
TheOriginalGalatea: They won't talk to you because you passed out? Unless you're doing drugs, or purposely starving yourself, it isn't as though you did it on purpose.
If they aren't talking to you because of the embarrassment factor, you will just have to wait a few days for it to blow over. I mean, you are in *college*, for Pete's sake. There will be another scandal that will be juicier than yours within a day or two.
My concern is what caused you to pass out, in the first place. Assuming that you are not on drugs, and don't have an eating disorder, you should go to the doctor and rule out anything serious. It could be as simple as having low blood pressure, or skipping a meal.
BrandenKP: Showers are a pain in the ass for me. Low blood pressure here, don't try showering in hot water when you wake up, you will faint in the shower and scald yourself.
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1346908886 | 1346971422 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | ProfessorTesla: TIFU: I was riding my bike home from a party while drinking a beer and crashed because I freaked out from seeing a cop.
About 10 minutes ago I was riding my bike home in Savannah (where you're allowed open container) while drinking a beer out of a solo cup (but can get a DUI on a bike). I see a cop pass close by me at an intersection up ahead and I proceed to pour out my drink with my right hand. Then I see a stop sign a foot and a half in front of me and I'm like ohhhh fuckkkk, so I squeeze my left hand- front break- to stop and instead topple over the handle bars of my bike right onto my chest. The cop halts to a stop and I get up and fucking BOOK IT. He turns right to try to cut me off and I'm biking at like 40 MPH dodging cars and almost getting killed speeding up to stop signs. Luckily I live like three blocks away from where the incident occured so I get to my house, run up stairs with my bike, and throw it through the front door of my apartment building as I open the door. Home free. Tipsy and stupid. Thrice edited to make it literate.
theonlymillsy: People die because of halfwits like you, but I'm glad it worked out!
pilvy: >People die because of halfwits like you,
He was on a pedal bike you moron.
theonlymillsy: And he went over the handlebars into an intersection, on a road he says had cars driving on it. Do they just drive over him? No they panic and swerve.
Road accidents aren't just "car runs into tree."
pilvy: He went onto the handlebars, not off the bike.
Considering it was an intersection, they wouldn't be going so fast that they couldn't just, y'kno, apply the brakes?
OP never said anything about anyone crashing or being hurt.
Admit it, cyclists very rarely kill anyone apart from themselves.
theonlymillsy: Cyclists drive me mad, I live in a part of a city that is overrun with them, and they really do cause accidents. Even if it is only *their* lives being lost, it's still not okay.
Plus, he was drinking, that's the issue. Sober cyclists are bad enough, but coming off his bike simply because he wasn't watching the road is not cool.
pilvy: Just re-read the post for a 3rd time "handle bars of/**f** my bike right onto my chest" so yeah it would appear he did come off, my bad.
Don't get me wrong, I do agree it's a fucking stupid thing to do, but I just can't see many people being killed due to the actions of a cyclist.
If your in USA, you don't get to complain; your roads are fucking massive. If your in Amsterdam....that is more than understandable.
theonlymillsy: I'm in Australia, Sydney specifically, where riding bikes is encouraged by the government, unfortunately there is no IQ requirement to be allowed to ride on the road. The idiots cause accidents every day, as well as slowing down traffic and pissing everyone off.
| 8 | 4.125 | |
1346907799 | 1346968063 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU By rolling my jeep at 11pm in backwoods Idaho
I was over at a buddy's house tonight watching the NFL opener. Things started to get a little boring as the Cowboys were going to win, so we decided to do something else with the night. Now, I'd like to preface this by noting that I am a pretty experienced off-roader. Always bringing a jack, cables, spare, buddy, etc. I also go off-roading at night quite a bit. I know the back roads of Idaho (just outside of boise) very well, seeing as my roommate and I go wheeling out there quite a bit. However, tonight, since we had company on the trip, we decided to not only take a new route but also ramp up the wheeling action a bit (higher pace, some drifting, you get the picture). We were almost home and coming around a corner when I started to drift to the right. This was fine, I let the drift play itself out a little before countersteering back to the right (to put us back in a straight line). Unfortunately, I had failed to take note of the large bank that was creeping up on the left. Before I even realized what happened the driver's side of the jeep was on the ground and we had fully rotated. Luckily, nobody was hurt and we all got out of the Jeep. Unfortunately, we also had the issue of having no cell service and obviously not having anyone on the road to help us out. After a little bit of a struggle, we got the jeep back on its feet by rocking it back and forth, and let it sit for a while in hopes that it would start again. Lo and behold, the ol' girl started, and we were able to make it back home. I still have a totalled Jeep on my hands and i'm a gonna have to find a way to work in the morning, but I figured it was important to remember that even though we all fuck up, it could have been worse; I'm glad nobody was injured, and thankful to have made it out with nothing worse than a damaged car.
TLDR: Rolled a jeep late at night, no cell service, rolled it back over, lucky to have made it out of there.
WonderWillard: But were the potatoes okay?
WILLARD_IS_FAGGOT: This guy's a faggot, amitirte?
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1346903036 | 1346947799 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | rewrewsuh: fantasy football- eli manning over romo.
today i fucked up by starting eli manning over tony romo. romo had 10 more points and i am projected to lose by 9. today i fucked up.
zemekis: You fucked up when you drafted them.
rewrewsuh: well, there is the bye week. that'll be an easy decision, but yeah, i could trade one of them, for a good wr.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1346861528 | 1347011599 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | Cesar_PT: TIFU by wrecking my parents car.
This happened 3 hours ago. I was driving to work, and I was slightly pissed off at some things that are going not so well in my life.
For a better understanding of the situation, I went home for lunch and ended up dozing off on my bed. My mom had to wake me up to go to work, but she did it by really fucking startling me, so I was on a terrible mood from the getgo. As I said before, I've got some shit on my mind right now, so I was driving a tad recklessly.
On the way to work there's a huge slope on the road, which as some gravel at the end of it. I really wasn't going that fast but, as I was going down the slope, this dude who was coming up was a bit in the middle of the road, so I had to sway a little to my right. As I did this, I thought I was going to hit the wall, so I braked like a bitch and ended up on the gravel, with no control of the car whatsoever.
As I went down hoping Jesus would take the wheel, I watched in horror that there was a car parked at the very end of the ramp. I tried to sway away, but it didn't work. The best I could to was try to align s as to try not to hit it from the side, as it would cause more damage, so I went for a frontal and hit it straight on the bumper, leaving the other car completely unscathed. Mine, on the other hand, being a fucking Fiat, got completely fucked up.
The thing is our family is going to a really though time financially wise and we have no money to fix it. It's the only car we have and we need it to go to work and to go get groceries.
I've completely fucked up because I'm a fucking moron and, although I love driving, I really shouldn't be allowed to do so, because I suck and am retarded. One would think that a 24 year old dude wouldn't have shit for brains, but being me, one must think again.
Thanks for reading and feel free to tell me how stupid I am.
UsedCondom69: I feel for ya man. TIFU my parents Mercedes SLK 230.
Ghost17088: TIL go big or go home.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1346943772 | 1347126130 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | 11geosno: TIFU by pouring lemon juice onto an insect sting.
I have an insect bite/sting on my stomach so I thought I knew how to deal with it. I remembered something about stings being acids and alkalis neutralising them from GCSE Science, so I poured a load of vinegar on it. The vinegar did nothing to help, in fact it made me smell like a chip shop, so I assumed the sting must be an alkali and the best way to neutralize that would be to put an acid on. I then proceeded to pour a load of lemon juice on it. I think that pain there must be what childbirth must feel like. To top of the stupidity, a sting pen was still in my bag from when I was camping at the Reading festival, and was in easy reach the whole time. TIFU
brown_felt_hat: This isn't a fuck up? You must lead a cushy life if this is the worst you ever screwed up. Look at the sidebar. Running over a boss. Bangin' your bestie's sister. THOSE are fuckups. Yours is like... Oh, let's not do that again.
curiousghost: This is TODAY I fucked up. Not... this is the worth thing that has EVER happened to me. Do you really think that is the worst he ever screwed up?? Really?
brown_felt_hat: No. But like I said... it's not really a fuckup. This sub would be pretty terrible if people kept posting the worst thing that happened each day.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1346949957 | 1346950452 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Jasperodus: TIFU (Debated posting to r/confessions. Might x-post) by standing up a person who was going to give me free sneakers.
DougeryThuggery: Sounds more like you should have posted this to [r/ihatemyself](http://reddit.com/r/ihatemyself).
Jasperodus: I'll cross-post.
| 3 | 1 | |
1346954022 | 1347055169 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,185 | [deleted]: Tifu by letting my stepmom rub my spunk marks
Basically I fapped earlier today and missed the tissue. No big deal right? Well, it landed on my shirt. I brushed it off with my teenage fuckless attitude and some tissue. While I'm cooking some food I look down and see white semen residue that dried on my shirt. I wetted a paper towel and wiped it off. All good. My step mom soon gets home and ask what's on my shirt. She starts rubbing it and trying to scratch it off. Then her face changes and she stops. She ( I think jokenly) said I hope that's not what it looks like. Too bad for her; it was. **ALSO FUCK THROW AWAY ACCOUNTS. I WONT REGRET THIS**
TL;RD: my stepmom rubbed my semen off my shirt while i was wearing it around the house, then she half way realized what it was.
**EDIT** the wetted paper towel didn't really do anything.
truestoryrealtalk: Damn, man. For future reference, just say something like you were eating a sandwich and a bit of mayo fell out.
fenney: Don't say toothpaste, too obvious they'll know.
THIRTYSIXCAB: who the fuck washes they're teeth anymore? amirite?
Walican132: Who faps with toothpaste?
Mit3210: Yeah! Right guys?! Hahahahahaha...
Walican132: &#3232;\_&#3232;
mulvahlok: ಠ◡ಠ
wheresmyhouse: Where's [BallsOfDisapproval](http://www.reddit.com/user/ballsofdisapproval) when you need him?
j2cool: ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\
BallsOfDisapproval: ಠ_ಠ - never accept substitutes!
<|>
/ω\
j2cool: It was a beacon!
| 12 | 98.75 | |
1346955587 | 1346972961 | null | t5_2to41 | 177 | PhatDaddy420: TIFU: By violently ripping open the door of what I thought was the "forgotten bathroom". The CEO was sitting right there..
So TIFU. I work in a building with a few floors, and a few months ago I found a bathroom that nobody ever uses cause that side of the floor has nobody there, so it became my regular crap spot.
So here I am, shortly after lunch at a questionable spot, it hit me, the trots are coming, and they are coming QUICK. I run up, TWO FUCKING FLOORS, running towards this bathroom, belt already undone, working on the pants to save the time, kick open the door and gave a good yank on the stall door. I hear a WOW!, I look up and see him, sitting there, with such a priceless, blank expression on his face.
I kinda muttered I'm sorry, and walked away (literally slowly walked backwards out the bathroom as I was kind of in shock). As the bathroom door closes, I just hear him burst out in laughter.
TIL: The secret bathroom is not so secret
TL;DR: Ripped open a bathroom stall to find the CEO there...
P1aybass: I bet this wasn't as big of a fuck up as you think. Sure you probably looked like a fucking idiot but If you can show the CEO that you're a good employee at some point in the future he'll probably remember you as "that guy who kicked the door down while I was on the shitter". Could definitely work out in your favor in my opinion.
PhatDaddy420: Yea I think it's not as bad as that, I mean he did crack up. And it's not that big of a spot, so I'll still see him once in a while. haha
On the bright side though, I did make it to the more known bathroom in time. haha
gigitrix: A funny, non-offensive anecdote and no accident. I don't see the problem, everybody poops!
| 4 | 44.25 | |
1346964758 | 1347184595 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | UsedCondom69: TIFU by wreaking my parents Mercedes-Benz SLK 230
It started off with me waking up late for my class's morning study sessions. Because they were not mandatory, I said to hell with it and decided to skip. My mom needed my car to drop off my grandparents at the airport, who were visiting from California and we hadn't seen in years. Now we have this big Toyota Sequoia, but both my parents didn't want me to drive, and the only other car we have is nice Mercedes-Benz. My dad loved that car. I remember all the times he would yell at me to be careful walking around the car, not to lean against the car, never to bring anything near that could scratch the car, and etc. You can imagine the look on his face as he reluctantly handed me the keys to the car.
Since I had decided to skip the review session, I had some extra time before school. Being that there was an hour before school started and i was already awake I had decided to have breakfast at good ol' Mickey D's. Leaving Mickey D's with 30 minutes left before school and no rush whatsoever, I end up at the traffic light. There is couple cars in front of me when it turns green. Its still green as i am turning, but i fail to notice the traffic build up ahead. The car in front stops, I see it but knowing if I slam the brakes the cars behind me will hit me and cause a huge build up in the intersection. So i slow down as much as I can and just nail it at around 25mph.
He ended up bumping the car in front of him, so all three of us pull over. I walk outside to the front of my car. When I got there my stomach felt like it had fell off the Empire State Building. The front bumper was completely destroyed, about to fall off and the hood was bent in every which way possible. The guy is screaming at me for making a tiny little fender in his POS mini van and all the cars driving by and waiting at the light are staring at us. I'm just standing there taking it while I feel like i'm the tiniest piece of scum in the world.
The person who also got bump, turned out to be a classmate and a friend from school. He got the privilege to see me bawl my eyes out to my mom and dad. My mom had leave my grandparents early at the airport and my dad had to leave work at the hospital. They just said all they cared about is that i'm safe and no one got hurt. I believe thats not going to be the case once we find the bill to fix everything.
TL;DR: parents forced to let my use their Mercedes, rear ended POS mini van and my friend, yelled at by guy from mini van, school's not going to be fun tomorrow.
gbromios: haha fucking teenagers. Good job wrecking your rich parents' car, idiot.
[deleted]: I just read your other comments, some recent ones said things like "yea its tough bein a kid" or my favorite "Parents just done understand" So why the fuck are you complaining about teenagers when you spell and post things that imply you are one.
gbromios: it's hella creepy to read people's comment history
i understand though it's hard bein a teen
[deleted]: If there is a single part in that abomination of a comment that makes sense please tell me, first off, how have you been on Reddit for a year and still can't use a Shift key, and second off, if you understand its hard being a teenager then why the fuck does your original comment say "haha fucking teenagers. Good job wrecking your rich parents' car, idiot." if you understand its hard being a teenager then why the fuck would you say something like that, PLEASE explain. Your comments contradict each other and you flat out make no sense.
gbromios: http://i.imgur.com/8dCqG.gif I don't necessarily disagree with you
[deleted]: Dropped this---> .
gbromios: my grammer is just great
not sure im gonna survive these 3rd degree grammer burns
[deleted]: I fucking love how you misspelled grammar.
gbromios: you were so full of conviction but now all you have is grammer burns.... wat happened
[deleted]: I would think you would have learned by now to use a shift key and at the very least how to spell grammar, it is just sad at this point.
gbromios: are you telling me that the same sort of person who gets mad on the internet also thinks that calling out missed periods is a sick burn??????? or this you trying to bow out gracefully from an argument with only one party
[deleted]: http://i.imgur.com/dvslP.gif
Why can't you make sense, I didn't say it was a sick burn, you did after I put the arrow to the period. Oh and why on Earth would I just bow out of an argument when I am the only one with a valid point. I correct you on your grammar because it is unbearable.
gbromios: I'm sorry if I'm harshing your aspergers homie but you'll understand when you're older
[deleted]: If you were older then me, you wouldn't have just said homie.
gbromios: http://flyingskull.com/x/gallery2/d/336-1/sounding.gif
[deleted]: Ohhh this is the point in the argument where you have no more words, you realize you are wrong, so you just post a random gif, Checkmate.
gbromios: ;) you win
| 18 | 2.333333 | |
1346972213 | 1347102858 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | illdrawyourface: TIFU by accidentally flipping off my soon to be brother in law.
I was driving on a residential neighborhood street leaving my moms house, and theres an idiot behind me riding my ass.. Really close. He's even weaving to the left to see if he can pass, but there were too many curves and impossible to tell. All the way down the street he did it until I had to turn. Right before I did, though, I flipped him off and took my right turn. It was pretty out of character for me, but I really really hate tailgaters. I was able to take one really good look at him in my mirror before I turned, I guess to see his face when he saw my finger. OH SHIT. It's my sisters fiancé. FML.
I know he knows what my car looks like cause I have stickers and whatnot. He knows it was me. I have no idea how to proceed.
Maurier: Tell him if he doesnt like getting a finger not to tailgate.
So what if he was your brother in law, its still worthy of a smack to his face for being an ahole first(by tailgating)
You have nothing to feel bad about
stevefigjam: exactly! I think your brother in law is a bit of a dick...
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1346978896 | 1347044787 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | Dragonfucker69: TIFU by free running
This was a while ago. Me and my friends always liked free running, so one day we decided to get crazy and go free run at school when we were supposed to be at a park. So we were at school had our free run fun, then decided to prank some teachers by putting tables infront of the doors. When we opened one of the doors, in a while, we heard a beeping noise and ignored it, which was actually the alarm. Soon after a while the cops came chased down the four of us, luckily we were not tased. They called our parents and made us clean up the things we did.
In all honesty I know how stupid I am, and what I've done was wrong. I never want to make that mistake again. I could hardly sleep when the days passed by. We still do free run now, but never something like that again. We try to keep it legal.
On the side note we did get suspended for ten days, thankfully we were able to take the state tests.
Sundaypaper: Suspended and moving the tables because of a small joke?
Harsh.
Dragonfucker69: It was breaking into school property, so yeah.
Sundaypaper: I guess I just picture you being outside pushing a table. Don't see the destruction in it. Lol
But then again I never did anything back in school. I was a lame kid. Ha
Dragonfucker69: We flipped some tables lol.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1347004541 | 1347123628 | null | t5_2to41 | 270 | defectorlacera: TIFU at work by dropping a $100 case of concrete stain onto a $500 display of spray paint, destroying both and spilling their contents all over the floor the day after a very expensive bi-annual floor resurfacing.
Technically, this happened a few nights ago. I apologize for the wall of text, but this is a long story.
I work for a major big box home improvement supply store, throwing freight overnight. On a bi-annual basis, we have a resurfacing company come in and sand the floor down to remove stains and buildup, then buff and seal it to prevent further damages. They had been here for nearly a week and were almost done. We were glad to be near the end of the process as working around them had been a nightmare.
This particular night, I was in the paint department. We had a lot to do as far as catching up because the resurfacing crew had done that department the night before and we weren't able to put up any stock during the process. Things were backed up pretty bad, but they had finished, leaving the floor shiny and new, and moved on to another area of the store.
I was attempting to put a case of concrete stain up on the shelf when it got caught on a bolt holding the shelf up. As I attempted to shift it over, I exerted too much forward force and caused the whole case to defy the laws of physics and dump out backwards off the shelf. This would have been bad enough, except that instead of just hitting the floor, the cans of stain landed on top of a display of spray paint directly beneath where I was working. The result was catastrophic.
The cans of stain busted open and poured out all over the display and overflowed onto the floor, taking many cans of spray paint with them, breaking nozzles and lids in the process. Some of the spray paint cans went off, some leaked, all adding to the wave of liquid fuckup washing around my feet. The whole incident took a few seconds, but it seemed like hours, watching it all unfold just beyond my grasp.
[Here's a photo of the carnage.](http://imgur.com/aOA1Y.jpg)
I stood there dumbfounded for a moment, before realizing the depth of my mistake as the friends I was working with began swearing explosively. I had ruined three pairs of shoes, two pairs of socks and a pair of pants, on top of destroying merchandise in the initial fall and the splattering of stain.
Things went from bad to worse at this point. I called my manager over to inspect the damage and direct the cleanup. He was not happy. He retrieved the paint spill kit and I proceeded to start the process of cleaning up the mess and bagging the damages. However, for whatever reason, the cleaning solution did less to clean up the spill as it did to liquefy it further and spread it around more. TIL concrete stain does not react the same way standard paint does to cleaning chemicals. I wound up making the mess much worse.
I finally resorted to letting it dry some under an absorbent powder, then scraping the residue up with a shovel. This process got up a good deal of the stain, but took off a good deal of the fresh sealant on the floor. I wasn't going to win either way. I got up as much as I could, but not before ruining the expensive surfacing job and leaving a giant stain on the concrete.
The next day, word traveled around the store about the incident. Upper management wasn't happy. Because of this, they had to schedule an additional night with the resurfacing crew, adding to the bill. We were out the money spent on the destroyed merchandise as well. I'm not sure how much it was all together, but it was more than I make in many, many months, I know that for sure.
Luckily, I have a record of being a dependable worker and witnesses that verified it was a freak accident, so I didn't get fired. The cold, stern looks of disapproval I've been getting from certain managers is disconcerting, though. We shall see. I just know this is going to come up in my performance review next week.
tl:dr: I destroyed a bunch of expensive paint and spilled it on the floor at my job the night after a very expensive floor resurfacing was completed and a week before my annual performance review is due.
neanderthalman: At your performance review, if they harp on you for the incident, steer the discussion to how you *handled* the incident. You took charge of the immediate situation, contacted your supervisor for assistance, handled adversity with creativity when the cleanup procedures failed, and didn't shirk your responsibility.
These are qualities any company should want in an employee. Highly promotable, adaptable, and resilient.
PCGCentipede: >These are qualities any company should want in an employee. Highly promotable, adaptable, and resilient.
You've never worked at Home Depot, have you?
neanderthalman: *should*
PCGCentipede: Right, my bad.
| 5 | 54 | |
1347024026 | 1347031072 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by contacting TWC's amazing support
Our cable has been out for three days, it happened shortly after a really bad rain storm. My first guess was the cable got damaged somehow because I could still ping google but dropped packets like crazy. I called the day it happened and a tech came out and found the cable from the TWC box to my house was bad (this is about a 40-50 yard cable). He said to contact TWC again and get someone else to come out. I have found that the online chat is less painful than calling them. When calling them I had to speak to a level one tech, and then was put on hold again and transferred to a level two tech. Why cant companies just hire people that have a clue whats going on rather than people that can answer calls and follow a flow chart. I really don't understand.
And I am guessing they will show up today with a 1-2ft jumper coax cable and try to replace the one from my wall to the modem.
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/2o8UH.jpg)
Darkstrategy: Um, where in any of this do you fuck something up?
Edit: Seems like he deleted his account. Maybe he'll make a new one and post to this sub about how he fucked up his TIFU.
NatecUDF: I think he means when he got TWC service in the first place, then when he wasted time and energy dealing with their support group.
Not a real fuck up, but one of those "Oh boy, do I regret that decision" moments probably.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1347045477 | 1347074023 | null | t5_2to41 | 348 | adwarakanath: TIFU: Shaving and chillies do NOT go together
I had shaved just a couple of hours before. I decided to cook an Indian chickpea soup. I ran out of hot chilli powder last week and had to improvise. We have whole dried red chillies in our spice rack in our flatshare so I took a handful and crushed them by hand, finger to finger.
While walking to my room, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and began to run my fingers along my smooth jaw and upper lip to admire the close shave.
And now, my face is on fucking fire. I've washed it with milk, ran a stick of butter over it, ice...everything. Doesn't fucking work. Oh holy crap.
teklord: I had been cutting habanero peppers and as soon as I finished I went to take a piss. Still haunts me.
Mech1: Oh good lord, I can only imagine the horror. There isn't any coming back from that is there?
Edit-Fixed 'their' grammar
teklord: > their
There
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
Mech1: Really, I thought I had that right, thank you for the correction.
| 5 | 69.6 | |
1347065548 | 1347119366 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by allowing my prius to run out of gas
annoying_dumb_guy: TYFU by owning a Prius
davesaunders: I drove my Prius for 200,000 miles before giving it away as a gift. It's still going. Most reliable car I've ever owned.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1347067374 | 1347332240 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU by not properly plugging in my headphones
So my mom is very religious but I'm atheist and listen to some quite "demonic" screamo. So one day when she forced me to go to church I slipped on an earbud to drown out the priest. But my earbuds weren't plugged in all the way so as soon as I hit play Goatwhore (a satanic band that I am decently fond of) blasts out singing about the devil. I am no longer allowed in that church and I was under the threat of excommunication. The line in the song was "who needs god when you've got Satan"
That_Metal_Guy: Goatwhore is not "Screamo", they are death metal.
[deleted]: Sorry for that mix up I was writing this in a rush and didn't get the genre right
That_Metal_Guy: It's not really that big of a deal. It's just that a lot of people mistake death metal for screamo, and they are not really that similar.
[deleted]: Well now I know my mistake and I'll be sure not to repeat it
firestepper: TIFU confused screamo and death metal. Don't know If i'll ever live this one down.
NarwhalAttack: Not in the metal community at least.
| 7 | 11.428571 | |
1347067507 | 1347095006 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by spilling the majority of a large mug of boiling hot coffee all over my bare foot.
So, it's late at night and I've had a touch day at work and wish to stay awake to play with my gaming buddies. Part way through I'm getting very tired and so I tell them I'll be right back and that I was going to make me a coffee so I can last another hour or so and then proceed to bed.
I make my way downstairs, empty the electric kettle of any water it has left and then fill it to the minimum so I can just make enough for myself. I grab the largest mug I own (Probably around 1.8x bigger than a standard mug. [Looks a lot like this but possibly larger](http://imgur.com/jWwml)) and add my instant coffee and sugar to the mug (With portions proportionate to the size).
The kettle boils and I add the boiling water to the mug, stir it up, add a little bit of milk and then give it another stir. It's ready to drink! A small sip and I know I've made it just right. I bring my mug of coffee up to my battlestation and set it just to the left of my mouse.
Now, please note that I am by now extremely sleep deprived so I now go to unmute my microphone so I can rejoin my comrades and let them know I can stay awake! I then require to type something into the game and so I instinctively just move my hand from the mouse across to the keyboard completely fogetting I had just placed a very large mug in between the two.
The mug topples and I instantly regret my decision. I instinctively pull the mug towards myself to save my keyboard from being flooded in a full mug of boiling hot coffee and realise my mistake. I'm bare feet and the liquid is falling rapidly towards the ground. I manage to somehow save around a third of the liquid and keep it in the mug but it's too late for the rest. It has already scolded my foot. I scream. My gaming buddies start to laugh furiously as they suspect what just happened.
Now, tired me thinks the first course of action would be to take a small sip of what few remaining liquid I have because of course that is what I was longing for this whole time. It tasted perfect, and then the feeling of burning is brought back and I hurry to get a towel to clean it off my foot, then desk, then floor.
I've ran my foot under cold water as to prevent any further damage/pain and try to explain to my buddies what just happened. They're still in fits of laughter and tell me they know what happened and heard it all. Only 1 of them asked if I was alright. Some friends.
The story does not end there though. I am adamant to get that mug of coffee so I let them know I'm going to try once more. Kettle on, coffee spooned, sugar spooned, kettle boiled, water poured, mixture stirred, milk poured, mixture stirred. Okay, this time I'm going to bring it to my mouth, not my foot. I clear a large space on the desk for the mug and make sure I'm not going to go full retard on it again. I drank the whole thing. Achievement unlocked. And, in case you were wondering, it tasted perfect.
**TL;DR Boiling hot liquids don't go well with keyboards, but they go a lot worse with bare feet.**
FYI: Typed this 2 hours after the event so I am still tired and mistakes are likely to have been made. I've made my best effort to make this as readable as possible.
EDIT: Made TL;DR easier to find
darthelmo: > It had already scolded my foot.
What did it say?
Hypomanic_Poet: His foot needed a good talking to for being in the coffee's way.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1347088630 | 1347116567 | null | t5_2to41 | 336 | Anotherfuckwit: TIFU: by watching soccer in a bar.
So I'm out with my mates having a drink at a bar after footie (soccer) training. On the screen the team I support in a european qualification match. I go to the bar as its my round and another friend comes to help carry drinks. whilst we are there he sees a girl he knew and they get chatting. I'm in one of those state of mind places where I'm vaguely aware of their conversation and being polite by smiling and pretending to be following but predominantly focussed on the TV screen behind.
My team Score a goal in the final minute and I jump up and shout "YEAH!! GET IN THERE!!" just before my latent brain picks up on the last words the girl said to my friend "... buried my mum today."
It might have been ok if I'd carried on cheering as I would clearly have not been listening but because I did hear, albeit registering a fraction of a second later, I then proceeded to say "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that..." before thinking 'shit get out of this.' and leaving her stood at the bar with my mate staring at me aghast.
My mate eventually return and tells the group what a fuckwit I've been. In typical English bloke style they all start giggling and thinking it's funny. I just keep getting glared at from the crowd on the other side of the room. I knew I'd come across as a dick but I couldn't stop myself from giggling along with them.
mwalker_nz: What team? (asking the important questions)
nuttella28: I'm guessing the game was Liverpool vs. Hearts
IAmJacksLackOfIdeas: Surprised this is the first time I'm seeing Liverpool mentioned in /r/tifu.
Dr_VanBuren: I feel we need an entire sub dedicated tifu's that involve Liverpool.
IAmJacksLackOfIdeas: So basically, /r/liverpoolfc then.
Dr_VanBuren: Well yes, but it should be full of tifu stories.
Oh, I see what you did there.
IAmJacksLackOfIdeas: It's hard being a Liverpool fan, that's all I'll say. *Sigh*
| 8 | 42 | |
1347096991 | 1350838188 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU: Asian landlady found me naked.
I'd been masturbating and was lying on my bed with my pants down in a post-orgasm bliss, browsing reddit while listening to music. My 60-ish landlady walked into the house and I think one of my housemates must've told her I was in my room. She opened my door and peeked her head into my room. She may have caught a flash of my package but I was quickly able to grab a pillow and cover myself. The weird thing is, she kept addressing me like she hadn't witnessed anything or that I wasn't lying there on the bed half-naked. I don't think she knows I was masturbating.Worst part about all this is that I usually go to her church occasionaly and she thinks I'm Christian.
TLDR: Christian landlady caught me post-fap.
foxxinsox: Christian people don't masturbate?
And if you're not Christian, why do you occasionally go to her church?
spartalaughs: Theoretically, it's against Christian beliefs to masturbate. I say theoretically, because that was part of Leviticus, so... yeah.
12345dhooves: It is? I am a christian by stereotypes (I believe in god and jesus, the end) I dont remember anti-fapping in the bible or any church.
EDIT: Except those lame highschool assemblys about drug sex and alcohol/
spartalaughs: "Thou shalt not spill thy seed" or something like that.
12345dhooves: lol seed
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1347110942 | 1347282856 | null | t5_2to41 | 267 | foxxinsox: TIFU while shaving my head (female)
I decided I wanted to be a bold badass woman last week and had my head shaved last Saturday morning. Guys, I don't know if you understand, but this is a really major thing for a girl. Society has done a pretty damn good job of drilling in our heads that we need to look feminine and pretty, and hair is important to that. I decided to say "fuck the norm" and shave my head. Still, I couldn't bring myself to go completely bald so I had it cut down to a #3 on a pair of clippers. For context, that's about 3/8". Still pretty damn short. Once I got over the initial freakout, I loved it.
As the week went on, I see that my hair is growing back pretty quickly. I decided to use my boyfriend's clippers to touch it up. I trimmed it and then decided I was feeling a little more bold and wanted to go shorter, to a #2 length. I took the #3 guard off, brushed some hair loose, and my boyfriend said something to me from the other room. I opened the bathroom door to hear him better, had a quick conversation, and returned to shaving my head. All it took was one pass for me to realize my error - I forgot to put the #2 guard on so I now had a reverse mohawk that was about 1/8" long.
I freaked out and he came to see what I did. Thankfully he didn't make fun of me in any way because I was pretty close to tears. He put the #2 guard on and did the rest of my hair, hoping it would blend it a little better and not be too obvious. It didn't work. It's still really obvious, so this morning I shaved my whole head all the way down. I will now be wearing scarves and hats for a couple weeks while fighting off concern from people who think I'm sick.
TL;DR - female, shaved head to #3. Forgot to put guard on for part of it, shaved a big stripe down the front of my head, now totally shaved to a #1.
jbigboote: you are in good company:
http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6114/6261576733_170211f881.jpg
http://www.smashinglists.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Natalie-Portman-Bald.jpg
http://media.theiapolis.com/b000000/d4/hLC/i1OIK/k4/l1OX2/s6/t3/wSG/y04/persis-khambatta-as-lt-ilia-in-star-trek.jpg
get some pictures, your hair will grow out to a style-able length before you know it.
foxxinsox: Thanks for the encouragement. I'm still currently feeling a little freaked out and really really bald. Once I got over the initial shock last night I was laughing at myself for being such a dumbass. I thought I might just leave it and cover it until it grew out to a fixable length, but I'm pretty sure at some point in the next week or two I'll end up doing something where headwear won't be comfortable or appropriate (work is not an issue for this). Shaving it all the way down was the better option but I still feel stupid. This is one of my bigger fuckups.
Neebat: Women with shaved heads can be hot as fuck. You did the right thing.
foxxinsox: You are wonderful. I know some guys absolutely love it.
MaxJohnson15: Very very few. Close to none. Saying an attractive woman with a shaved head is hot is like saying he likes your shoes. No he doesnt. He likes it as much as it takes to get some vagina.
[deleted]: Breaking news: Some people like different things than you.
MaxJohnson15: And in an update to our previous story, I'm right this time. By a lot.
[deleted]: An opinion isn't "right".
MaxJohnson15: It is when I'm asserting that one opinion is the majority and it is by far yet retarded white knights are still trying to dispute the point.
pzbogo: Saying it is the majority does not make it true. By definition an opinion is a statement that is neither true nor false.
MaxJohnson15: Well my second opinion is that my initial opinion is clearly the majority. My third opinion is that far too much is being made of something so obvious.
| 12 | 22.25 | |
1347120876 | 1347174074 | null | t5_2to41 | 370 | glaedr: TIFU by attempting to navigate a revolving door.
So, I went for an interview at a university today, which went pretty well. The trouble started when me and my fellow interviewees were invited on a tour afterwards.
The building I had my interview in was this ultra-modern, glass-fronted beast which someone had decided to install a revolving door into (because fuck it, revolving things are modern). It's important to note here that this was no ordinary revolving door; it was a tiny, tiny revolving door divided into segments which were only large enough for one person.
So, I came out of my interview, and me and the other interviewees were filing through this revolving door. The guy in front of me walked into his compartment, and for some unbeknownst reason - I will forever regret this decision - I suddenly leapt into his compartment with him, just as the door was closing.
At this point, things were pretty awkward. I was pressed up against this guy pretty closely, who, in his haste to get away from the revolving-door-rapist, surged forward at an alarming speed, causing my bag to get caught in the door behind me. This effectively prevented the revolving door from revolving - the guy in front of me smashed into the glass in front of him, and I smashed into the back of him, only serving to compound his already uncomfortable position.
The guy was furious and embarrassed (as was I). I freed my bag from the door, and me and my new friend had to awkardly shuffle around in our compartment to get out of the door (there was very limited leg room).
Just to make it a bit more humiliating, all the other interviewees and the next group of interviewees waiting outside the building saw this horrific event unfold and I was met with raucous laughter upon finally escaping the door.
Revolving doors.
abelcc: I told you about revolting doors man.
BeerPowered: It keeps happening.
Dash275: I TOLD you about revolving doors bro!
Edit: Perhaps I doomed myself with an obscure Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff reference. :(
[deleted]: I WARNED YOU DOG
catcradle5: dube..
| 6 | 61.666667 | |
1347125368 | 1347180404 | null | t5_2to41 | 221 | heyhihellogabi: TIFU because of a language barrier.
I took a three-week exchange trip to Tokyo, Japan over this summer. I've taken two years of high school Japanese classes and didn't really know what I was getting into. Because I tend to use hand gesticulations while I speak, I was making [this] (http://imgur.com/e1cCS) sign quite a bit over my trip. It turns out that in Japan, the sign that means "okay" in america means "condom" in Japan.
"Do you want to go to a museum?"
"Condom."
hero2bash: It means 'money' in our country
[deleted]: where are you from?
hero2bash: Philippines
| 4 | 55.25 | |
1347132994 | 1348977765 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | [deleted]: TIFU by serving at a wedding
I'm an Altar Server for my church. I was serving at a wedding today. I was on the altar and everyone was looking at the Priest and I. There was a moment of silence, and then club music came on. My phone was ringing. As loud as it could. In front of the Bride and Groom. And their parents.
EL_DIABLOW: since you're an altar boy have you… ya know...
[deleted]: No, I don't know. Have I what?
Yartsu: been filled with the holy spirit.
if you catch my drift
Fleudian: If this is serious, I will reach through my computer screen and bash you to unconsciousness with a crucifix.
Yartsu: please don't, i still have third degree burns from the last time i opened a bible.
skramzkevin: Judging by his response, he definitely has
| 7 | 16.857143 | |
1347145352 | 1347241580 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by being an (extremely) irresponsible teenager.
EDIT: Typos.
My neighbors were going out of town for about two weeks, and they entrusted me with taking care of their house, watering their plants, feeding their cat, etc. But my feeble little mind thought it would be a brilliant idea to take advantage of their unused kitchen and make a hearty batch of marijuana infused brownies. Not only did I do that, I brought four of my friends to my neighbor's house to share the brownies with. We ended up getting extremely stoned and passing out in the living room.
The next day we woke up, straightened up the house to the best of our still-stoned abilities, and we left.
A few days later my neighbors came home (three days earlier than they had told me) they called me on my cell, telling me to come over to their house. I was expecting to get paid. Instead they sat me down in their living room and told me that their living room wasn't how they had left it, things were out of place (blankets, coasters, etc.).
Me being a coward, I looked into their eyes and I lied to them. I told them that I was never in their house. Needless to say, I am no longer responsible for taking care of their house.
This is easily the stupidest and most heart-less thing I've ever done, I deeply regret it. But it happened, and there's nothing I can do about it.
moo1991: At least you can see that you've done something wrong, there are plenty of other people that probably wouldn't feel any kind of guilt.
As other people have said, at least you have learned from this experience.
It may seem like a massive deal now but if look back on this a few years in the future this will just seem like a small mistake, nobody got hurt, nothing bad happened it was just a small mistake :)
suck_my_diction: Thanks :)
I have definitely learned my lesson from that poorly thought out decision.
moo1991: I have also only just noticed your name *giggles*
suck_my_diction: hehe thanks again
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1347201491 | 1347211317 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | [deleted]: TIFU by being the crazy girlfriend.
I am really attached to my bf and we don't get to see each other as much as I'd like due to work and school.
Because yesterday was Saturday, I was hoping to have the afternoon, after he got off work, with him.
I have a really hard time making friends. Even my closest friends, I feel awkward around them. None of my closest friends live in the same state, any way.
My bf and I have been going through a tough patch, or at least so I thought. To me, he seemed less interested in being around me. That sort of thing. It made me worry I had done something wrong and I really wanted to fix whatever it was. Ive been in a lot of relationships where the guy was cheating on me or just slowly lost interest but didn't have the heart to tell me. Because of that, when I have something food, I really fight for it, but it also causes me to panic about every little thing.
Yesterday, my bf gets home from work, calls me up to come to his place, and grab some food on the way. So I run to the store, then straight to his place. He has some homework to get done, so I offer to help him with it in the hopes that we can sooner move on to spending time together.
We spent three hours on that hw when he told me that he had been invited to a bonfire that night that was starting soon and he planned on going. It was clear I was not invited. I got really upset and immediately left for my apartment.
All my roommates were gone, so I was home alone and I went stir crazy.
After an hour or so, I decided the best thing to do would b to just talk to him about my concerns and how I feel left out and uncared for lately. So I call. He doesn't answer. I send a text. He replies half an hour later.
Let me just say, it drives me nuts when people don't answer the phone. Fuckin nuts. And he has a horrible track record with not answering the phone. He says he always just forgets to take it off silent. Its probably the #1 thing we argue about- him never answering the phone and leaving me waitin around for him to call back for 1-4 hours each time.
But anyway, I know he's at the bonfire, so I just ask how long he'll be and say that I want to talk to him when he's back. Half hour later he texts back. He says he didn't drive but got a ride. I ask him to ask them when they will leave.
Half hour later, he says "I don't know". I ask him to ask them. Half hour later, he says something along the lines of, I already told you.
Basically, he's just not being very informative and it's upsetting me.
He says he'll try to get them to go faster. It's about 930pm at this point. I decide just to chill and watch a movie (fight club. It didn't calm me down). Mostly through the movie, I ask again if he's coming home soon. He eventually responds "I don't know".
I'm getting more and more unreasonable.
I go back and forth between sad ("why isn't he telling me? Is he purposefully avoiding me? What did I do??") and angry ("why the hell can't he give me a straight response? Why can't he just care about me more than the god damn Bon fire?")
I call him, because at this point I just need to really get my concerns off my chest, even though I prefer it would be in person.
No answer. I wait a while, text him. No response, so I call again. At this point, the movie is long over, I've been cleaning the apartment, and it's like 12:30. I get more and more irrational. I called probably 15 or 20 times in a half hour period and got more irrational when he never picked up. I got concerned that maybe he'd been hurt. Or maybe he really was avoiding me. I texted angrily, asking why he wasn't home already and why he couldn't answer his god damn phone. He eventually responded that there's a lot of people there and it's too loud. I felt that he wasn't even trying to come home so we could talk and I got angrier and sadder.
I told him to pick up his fcking phone, that I was really fucking serious, that I needed to talk to him RIGHT NOW. And asking why he didn't give a fuck about talking to me when I needed it. I called probably 5 more times. Nothing. Finally at 1:10 am, he called, said he just made it home, and was quite angry at me for ruining his night. Apparently everyone kept asking "who keeps calling you?"
He yelled a lot. He asked if I wanted to seem crazy, because that's how it was coming across. Said he was just "hanging out with friends, like NORMAL people do!" he's never yelled at me before, so I was crying pretty hard. I told him that I didn't mean to ruin his night but I was really concerned and just wanted to fix things but seemed to make them worse. I asked him to work on answering his phone. I asked why he didn't just go to a quiet area and call me ("I would have had to walk ten miles away!") I asked why he didn't bring me to the bonfire ("my sister was there!" his family truly hates me, so we avoid each other at all costs. My bf and I are only together because we truly love each other and get along 90% of the time). I asked him why it felt like he was pulling away from me and explained who I felt. He didn't really know what I was talking about, but once I explained, he said he understood.
He was still upset and short with me. I asked him for reassurance that we are ok and he said we were and that he lived me. I feel like a huge jackass for blowing it out of proportion. I asked him to come to my place, so I could apologize to his face and really make sure we were ok but he wouldn't because he has work early today.
I know I was concerned, but shouldn't have freaked out. We will talk after he gets off of work at 3.
**TL;DR** I thought we were having relationship problems. Got irrational and crazy when he went out for the night.
and just to clear this up, I'm 20. He's about to turn 23.
**EDIT/UPDATE**
Hi, guys. I know I only posted earlier today about all the shit I did the night before about being crazy. Here's the [original thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/zlpda/tifu_by_being_the_crazy_girlfriend/). I don't know if I should update here or on the original thread, so I'm doing both.
Anyway, my bf came over after he finished work today. I made myself promise not to text or call him unless he texted/called first. He came over and first thing I did was apologize, which seemed unnecessary because he was already beyond it. He wasn't upset today, though he was last night, so I apologized again for causing his night to go poorly by acting scared and obsessive.
I know if we want this relationship to work, I need to work on my self-esteem issues (from which all my crazy-girl problems stem), so I want him to understand what my problem is so we can help each other with this: he can help me gain confidence and I can relax and not be obsessed with his schedule, give him some room to breathe.
First thing we did was his choice- he read to me out loud all the texts I had sent him last night. I felt horrible. They really were irrational and ranged from extremely sad to angry. But it was good to hear them, just to really solidify in my mind to not do that.
The second thing we did was my choice. I read out loud to him [Delta_6's comment](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/zlpda/tifu_by_being_the_crazy_girlfriend/c65s7lg), which perfectly describes what I went through and why I acted the way I did. My boyfriend listened and said it made sense and that he understands. I also emailed him a copy of that comment just so he can reference it and really think about it. We're gonna help each other, and especially help me build confidence so I don't constantly worry (and consequently freak out) about him, where he is, and the status of our relationship.
In any case, thanks for all the advice, r/TIFU.
just for record's sake, I'm copying Delta_6's comment below.
> This story reminds me of a phenomenon I've had the pleasure to observe and the misfortune of being the cause of.
> I am sure there is some kind of psychology term for this but I am no psychologist. I call it "Joy Paradox" (named after a person, not the emotion). I find it is often a byproduct of low self esteem and I have observed this happen between friends, lovers, family, and just about any type of relationship you can have.
> The premise is simple. You have, in the past, had people lose interest in you (be they friend or SO) when this occurred you noticed certain behaviors. These behaviors may include spending less time with you, forgetting plans, hanging out with other people, etc, etc.
> When a sign is observed in a different relationship the paradox kicks in. You don't want to lose this person and are worried you are. The first behavior is often just obsessive worrying that can distract you from just about anything you are doing. Once you decide you've had enough worrying it occurs to you to ask the person and you feel it will put your mind at ease. You ask.
> Now the person on the receiving end has no idea what is going on. You come and ask if they are avoiding you/ losing interest/ etc. They may find the idea silly and quickly dismiss your concerns as nonsense. However this doesn't ease your mind as social rules dictate being polite and lying about this. Are they lying to you? Do they just want to spare your feelings? Do they have new friends/boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe they have cancer! Relax, it is probably nothing. What if they secretly hate me though? Have I not been a good friend? Why don't they appreciate me? Am I worthless?
> You emotions can bounce around from worry, sadness, despair, anger, and jealousy depending on how close you are to the subject if your paradox.
> At this point you may resolve to not lose this person, however, being combined with your flailing emotions you aren't likely to succeed. Their apparent avoidance of you is often identified as a symptom to be treated. You will simply spend more time with them.
> At this point it doesn't matter if they spend night and day with you as the ball is rolling. As soon as they have other plans or are busy stage 2 kicks in. While they are busy/away you attempt to contact them (your emotions start bouncing) if they.respond it is all good for about an hour. Eventually they will be busy enough to answer or respond. While to them it is simply "I am busy right now this can wait until later" it fuels your chaotic emotions. At this point you want reassurance so you try again. Perhaps again, or perhaps you stop for now postponing the development of the paradox for now.
> At one point your need for reassurance (whether through 30 phone calls over 4 hours or a series of verbal requests while hanging out) will become frustration and perhaps annoying to your chosen recipient. This is when phone calls get seriously ignored and plans are left unfilled. The other person wants space and you feed on this as evidence that your idea that they are losing interest.
> Ha! You were right all along! But you don't want it to end. Why? Why are they avoiding you? Pick up your phone! I have tried so hard to be perfect. Come on just respond! Why are you ignoring my concerns?
> The longer this cycle continues the more of your relationship is consumed by it. The more consumed it is the more annoying it becomes. Eventually the other person will be tired of being in a relationship that requires constant attention and reassurances. Viola, no more relationship. The need for escalating validation killed the relationship and you feel you were right.in the beginning.
> Congratulations!
> How do you stop this? Well believe it or nit the above behavior is both obsessive and compulsive. You handle it just like you would handle OCD. If you've been through this and understand how it feels you may be interested to know these things are something a moderate or severe OCD'er goes through on a daily basis.
flitterella: Reddit was such a bad place to post this. All the guys here are going to tell you you're crazy, you deserve what you get, etc. and also probably make rape jokes at some point.
Yes, you should have handled that way better, but at the same time I can sympathize with the feeling of urgently needing to fix a perceived problem, especially with a relationship like this one.
I'm a bit worried about how your boyfriend treats you. Getting you to bring him food, help with his homework, then kicking you out so he can go to a party alone? I'm not passing judgement based on this one story, except to say that it sounds like maybe you should be wary of the possibility that he's taking advantage of you. There are some guys out there who see a girl who has trouble making connections with other people and think that means they can treat her however they want and she'll tolerate it unconditionally.
I think you and your boyfriend should have some time apart, until you've both had an opportunity to think. Most importantly, I think you really need to focus on yourself and addressing the issues that are preventing you from making other friends, because you *need* more than one major relationship in your life. No matter how good your relationship is with your BF, if he's the *only* person you go to for love, comfort, friendship and companionship, he's going to get exhausted. Human beings just can't have all their emotional needs met by one person - you need a support circle outside of your main romantic relationship.
Take care, and please don't listen to all the douchebags on this thread who'll be taking your BF's side and making you feel crazy.
Darkstrategy: >Reddit was such a bad place to post this. All the guys here are going to tell you you're crazy, you deserve what you get, etc. and also probably make rape jokes at some point.
Wow, not only is that presumptuous and offensive, it's incorrect as well. All the top comments say they both have issues. And based solely on the story presented, I'm inclined to agree.
To OP:
It isn't a crime to want to spend time with your SO, and to then be promptly kicked out because one person at the bonfire didn't like you is a bit unfair imo.
On the other side of the coin, there's almost never a good reason to blow up someone's phone that hard. It won't help you, it won't help them, it'll just make you less credible as the person will now question your rational state. The main trespass here was a lack of patience.
flitterella: >Wow, not only is that presumptuous and offensive, it's incorrect as well. All the top comments say they both have issues.
Oh yeah, it's totally not like there's a fuckton of replies to that very same effect at the bottom of the thread that OP had to look at in her inbox because the vast majority of redditors are assholes who love circlejerking about crazy girlfriends, right?
Darkstrategy: They've been downvoted. There are trolls and morons everywhere, that's life, especially on the internet where anonymity makes monsters. Nevermind I think I counted, what, 4?
And you said quote, unquote: *All* the guys here in your original post.
This is justification to lump me and certain others in with trolls and douchebags? Countering a perceived generalization (Or circlejerk, as you call it) with another one does nothing for either side.
flitterella: So we're pretending that if this were a major sub that those 8+ comments would also not be much more numerous but also much more greatly upvoted and also patently ignoring posts like the third one from the top that says OP needs to "put a lid on the crazy" and offers no constructive advice, got it.
Also, yes. I literally meant every single male redditor who posts on TIFU. Every single one. Clearly.
Darkstrategy: >the third one from the top that says OP needs to "put a lid on the crazy" and offers no constructive advice, got it.
You mean [this *woman* right here?](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/wtard/weve_heard_from_the_cheaters_of_reddit_and_those/c5g8w64)
>Also, yes. I literally meant every single male redditor who posts on TIFU. Every single one. Clearly.
Then don't use a nasty sweeping generalization. There's a reason they're considered bad form. By saying all, regardless of if you meant to or not, you directly called all males that would happen to post in this thread regardless of if they are, chauvinistic douchebags.
flitterella: You're right, I should have just said "redditors".
I'm afraid we'll have to agree to disagree, but good on you for standing up unfailingly for marginalized groups. Like men. And white people.
Darkstrategy: You're attempting to justify being a nasty human being to other human beings. This is not about gender, this is not about race (And wow, did I say I was white?). I do not care if you are white, black, asian, gay, bi, homosexual, transgender, male, or female. If you are being nasty without any provocation to people you don't even known then I'm going to call you on it.
The thing is being a decent human being. In my eyes there is no excuse to not be a decent human being.
The very fact that you assumed that third comment was a male without even checking, and then completely ignore it when I call you out on it is bad form.
If you want to blame me, if you want to blame society, if you want to blame oppression, if you want to blame Reddit, if you want to blame males for *you* being nasty without any provocation then go for it. I don't care, it'll slightly annoy me now, but in the end I'll just eventually forget this exchange.
But I will still call you out on it. Just as I'd call anyone else out regardless of the matter at hand or the people involved if they were being nasty. I see no excuse for it in this situation, and your attempts at excuses seem flimsy. You're the one that's going to have to deal with this as you are the source of it. I will simply move on and call out the next person I see, and just maybe they'll own up to it and do the same to the next person they see.
CaptainVulva: Thank you for staying rational throughout this. I wish I could do more than just upvote you. ^^If ^^you ^^know ^^what ^^I ^^mean. No but really, far too often people in this kind of debate lose credibility by becoming a bit unhinged, and it would help enormously if more followed your example.
| 10 | 11.3 | |
1347201949 | 1347231339 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | Guesty_: TIFU by trusting a fart whilst sick with Diarrhea
One of my favourite pair of boxers. Ruined.
Emmaleep: Dude never trust a fart....never.
[deleted]: Never ever say never never. It's a double negative.
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1347221976 | 1347256953 | null | t5_2to41 | 804 | astonesthrow: TIFU my sheets (x-post two-x)
TeslasAirship suggested I submit this to this subreddit.
Background: My husband works nights, we have a daughter, we live in a duplex. The people sharing the duplex had their house broken into, in the morning. I've been paranoid ever since and sleep with a metal bat by the bed. I am on my period and slept naked with a tampon in.
What happened: Dead asleep. Husband calls me to pick him up from work, since I have the car. Phone is under my pillow. Loudest. Ringtone. Ever. Wake up in a panic. Sit straight up. Reach for bat. Tampon torpedoes out of body followed by a freshly-undammed-geyser of blood. Panicking now, trying futilely to keep sheets from being ruined and fumbling for the phone in the dark with bat in hand. Hit face with bat in said panic. Abandon search for phone. Now running to the bathroom with blood all over hands, bloody nose, and blood spewing from nethers. At this point I am wide awake and at the sink turning the knob, trying to rinse one hand to grab tampon while nose is flooding into the water. Being tilted this way makes my nose itch with the blood trickling out. Sneeze all over mirror. This makes more blood come from the ladybits.
I hope I am never murdered. Because if they search my house with a blacklight, my God.
gnomechompskey: So you kept a bat by your bed because you were paranoid about having your place broken into, but still decided to sleep naked?
astonesthrow: So I don't have the right to wear whatever I want in the privacy of my own home while still taking precautions to protect myself? I don't think you're in the right here, friend.
Israndel: A truly prepared woman never forgets to wear her plate armor to bed.
astonesthrow: [You're right, I forgot to wear my armor.](http://corngoblin.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/only-a-flesh-wound.gif)
giantslug: is this a really bad attempt at a cinemagraph by someone? lol
astonesthrow: It's just a bad Monty Python gif.
CaptainVulva: Watch it more closely. No GIF is naturally that badly animated. Previous poster was correct.
astonesthrow: Touché.
lukelear: Douché.
| 10 | 80.4 | |
1347227141 | 1347278408 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | nilly_welson: tifu my best friend's jaw
about 15 of us were watching nfl football together in a dorm. It felt great outside so we went to throw the football around. Everything was going great until my friend threw a pass short between andy and myself. It was much closer to andy but I went for it anyway. I don't think he ever saw me but my shoulder hit him full force in the jaw. I caught the ball and felt fine but he got knocked out of the air and was lying face down on the ground. He tried to talk ad blood just poured out of his mouth
His teeth were dealigned and he was in pain. He got up and just started walking briskly away. A few friends ran up to him and walked him to the student health center. I trailed behind feeling terrible, we get there and he can't really talk. I hear the doctor on the phone with his parents saying they will have to put him in the hospital and they were concerned about his jaw being broken. I sat out in the hallway with my face in my hands and one of the guys comes up to comfort me and I can feel myself start to choke up but I held it in pretty well.
andy hugged me and did his best to say he wasn't upset but I couldnt help but feel awful as andy is one of the nicest guys I have ever met and would never say anything mean to anyone. I just keep thinking about how his family will have to pay for the emergency room, he might not be able to speak well for a little while, and he will probably have to miss class.
after everybody was kind of supposed to leave I walked out of the health center alone and I kept passing spots where he had spit out blood on the way to the health center.
He is in the hospital now ad im waiting to hear the diagnosis
nilly_welson: Just found he has to get surgery, stay home for six weeks and miss the semester
levirax: Oh shit dude, thats bad. But just keep in mind it was an accident, and hope everything ends up better than that. Is there no way he could do online classes or something?
nilly_welson: His professors are hopefully understanding. He might be able to do a distance learning kind of thing
levirax: Well, i wish the two of ya best of luck in the matter, always sucks when shit like this happens.
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1347266393 | 1347392405 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU By Buttering Up My Car
My teenage daughter is taking a Wilton cake decorating class. So when she told me that she needed to bake a cake and make a pound of buttercream frosting, we headed off to the grocery store. When we were done shopping, we started off for my Mother's house, groceries in tow.
I knew that frosting is better when the butter is at room temp., but also knew she wouldn't wait. So, I thought I would put the box of butter on the dash, so it would warm up. This probably would have been fine, had I left well enough alone, but I kept thinking that it was still going to be too cold. I turned on the defroster, halfway up the winding, mountain road.
Less than a minute later, my daughter asked, "Hey Mom, what's that?" while pointing to a spot on my windscreen. A small, whitish patch had formed, and was rapidly spreading. Oh, no. The butter! I grabbed the box, and dropped it into my lap, while I continued driving up the steep hill.
And that is why I had dinner with my visiting relatives while sporting dual greasy patches on my jeans, and why my car now smells like popcorn, according to my kids. I cleaned everything that was within reach. I just hope that whatever residue is in the vent won't go rancid, and cause the car to become all skunky, like in that Seinfeld episode. Not that it will bother me, I can't smell!
philborg: just don't go out in the sun, or it will be like that other Seinfeld episode where Kramer shaves with butter lol.
best of luck with the cleanup
TheOriginalGalatea: Thanks. Had to run the heater this morning on the way to school, but the kids said the smell was barely noticeable. Looks like I won't have to call Car Talk, after all!
FormicationIsEvil: Lucky for you. As of October, 2012, Car Talk [will not record any new shows](http://www.cartalk.com/content/time-get-even-lazier) and will only broadcast recycled material from older shows.
TheOriginalGalatea: Aww, darn! I didn't get to hear them much, (obviously, or I wouldn't *have* this problem) but I liked them.
| 5 | 4 | |
1347284255 | 1347303612 | null | t5_2to41 | 151 | [deleted]: TIFU. Alcohol is a bastard for its laxative effect.
Woke up on my friend's couch while two other guys were asleep in the same room, after a night of lethal drinking. As soon as I woke up my anus felt like it was going to explode, I knew that as soon as I had gotten access to a toilet it was going to be loud, messy, and smelly.
This is where one problem arrived though. As I felt this urge to shit, I got up as quickly and as quietly as I could, because I didn't want anyone else to know of this situation. As soon as I got up to the bathroom door, it was closed. I tried opening it and heard my friend's brother say "hello?". This is where I started to panic. I SWEAR MY FRIEND'S BROTHER IS ALWAYS ON THE TOILET. He is fat, he just seems to ALWAYS be taking a dump.
Anyway, I go back downstairs and sit in the front room. Sitting down seemed to make it worse. I stand up and start walking around in circles frantically and impatiently. I felt like crying, the pressure was getting much worse. You all know that feeling when you desperately need a shit and you know you can't hold it for much longer? Yeah, this was bad. I couldn't even use the bathroom my friend's FAT BROTHER was taking his first religious dump of the day. IT WAS LIKE 6AM FFS.
I had no idea what to do next, I obviously didn't want to shit myself and walk home, or worse, get the bus home. Suddenly I remembered my friend keeps some plastic bags in his kitchen. This was an idea sent from heaven. I rushed into the kitchen, thankfully none of the other guys were awake. Grabbed a plastic bag and ran back into the front room.
I UNLEASHED THE FECES. There I was, squatting in the middle of the front room with the biggest relieving expression on my face I ever felt in my life. I could see myself in the mirror. It was disturbing yet bliss, that I could finally get rid of all the alcohol fueled shit, into a safe place (a plastic bag).
As soon as I was done, I ran up back to the bathroom, carrying this bag of shit. My friend's brother was back in his bedroom at this time. As I'm getting into the bathroom I'm sure everyone on the floor could smell the stench. I locked the bathroom door and I could hear my friend's brother unload half a can of air freshener all over the floor.
I tied that plastic bag as secure as I could and hid it well deep within the bin that was in the bathroom. I think my friend's brother knew what happened. He was staring at me the rest of the day with a concerned expression, but thankfully he didn't say anything while my friends were now awake.
This may not seem like a very exciting story to some of you, but my god I feel ashamed. I'm so glad that I managed to shit in a bag, and not in my pants. It was a bad one.
Guys, be careful when it comes to alcohol, that shit will fuck you up.
Fedcoshark: I doubt that house only had one bathroom.
fokaimori: I grew up in a house with one bathroom. It sucks.
hairycookies: I grew up in a house with 3 women and one bathroom (I am a guy). I used to pee in the back yard on a regular basis.
fokaimori: Ha! I was one of the three women. Sometimes I'd really feel bad for my dad.
hairycookies: It was real tough at times to get time for a shower before all the hot water was gone. I swear I had thousands of cold showers growing up.
[deleted]: Cold showers are good.
| 7 | 21.571429 | |
1347287926 | 1347335285 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: Last week I fucked up by letting it slip to two guys in my class that I play video games
babbish: Tell them you're quitting for a while because it's effecting your schoolwork.
[deleted]: > it's effecting your schoolwork.
looks believable.
babbish: If this is about effect and affect, I gave up on those long ago. Now I just pick one and go with it.
LuxNocte: Retired Grammar nazi here: Picking one and going with it is a fine strategy; pointing out minor grammar mistakes is pretty silly. (Only "should of" is unacceptable. I will cut a bitch...)
If you decide to care, [Grammar Girl](http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/affect-versus-effect.aspx) offers a good mnemonic and relevant XKCD.
babbish: I actually use Grammar Girl but for some reason the explanation of *effect* and *affect* have almost no effect(?) at all for me, her explanation of *affect* and *effect* are confusing to me, I'm fine with everything else but I need her to word that one better.
*Should of* and *should have*, that one gets under my skin too and the same can be said for *then* and *than*. I feel like screaming at times when I see those so it drives me crazy that I have so much trouble with *affect* and *effect*. I used to look it up every time I was going to use it but I always stay confused.
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1347308108 | 1347318124 | null | t5_2to41 | 138 | only_one_contact: TIFU by botching an introduction with a girl named "Jyz," pronounced "jizz."
A girl walked up to me today, stuck out her hand, and said something that sounded like, "Jizz." Not knowing what to say in return I replied, "I'm sorry, I don't think I can right now." "That's my name!" she snapped, before stalking away in a huff. I followed her to make sure I had listened correctly and also to apologize. I did hear it correctly. Also I am an unintentional asshole.
tushtush: She's an idiot for not realising her name is funny and not taking it in good humour, this is not your fuck up. My name is Tushy and I get a lot of questionable reactions when I tell people, but I don't mind, my name is funny and I am able to laugh about it with people. You're not an arsehole, she is.
fenney: No way is your name actually Tushy. That's fucking amazing.
too_many_legs: Why is it that every single time I have something to say on reddit, someone else has already said it.
fenney: Your name is Tushy too? What are the chances!
| 5 | 27.6 | |
1347313110 | 1347542732 | null | t5_2to41 | 641 | KittenPurrs: TIFU by "endangering [myself] and others" while responding irrationally to a spider.
I was driving merrily along when the mother of all spiders spun down from my sun visor, mere inches from my face. I completely lost my shit, flailed at it, knocked it somewhere, and then went into full panic mode trying to figure out where that bastard went. Then I hear the warning "boop boop" of the police car behind me.
Cop: I saw you were having some trouble maintaining your lane back there. Have you had anything to drink today?
Me: No, I'm sorry... There was this giant spider that dropped in front of my face, and I- OH MY GOD THERE IT IS! Kill it! Taze it or something! STOP LAUGHING AND PROTECT AND SERVE, YOU ASS!
Still laughing at me, he reached in and smooshed the monster spider on my dashboard. After asking some clarifying questions about exactly how a spider resulted in my swerving all over the place, he told me if this ever happened again, I need to pull over immediately, rather than risking "endangering yourself and others again."
Thankfully, I was not ticketed for driving while arachnophobic, and went on my way with a verbal warning.
Edit: I don't understand how pronouns work.
StarVixen: I inadvertently did a lawn job when a friend flipped her shit because a bee was in my car. In her haste, she threw a full biggie cup of pop (from Wendy's) out the passenger side window and broke the mirror. It was 12 years ago and my parents still don't believe me about how that mirror broke.
Illquitwhenimdead: I had a friend (big tough guy) lose his shit over a bee in the car and drive us into a ditch.
StarVixen: Bees freak me out, but my friend made me look like I was a bee whisperer or something. Apparently the bee was actually on my face and she noticed before me. Hence the reason why I drove up on someone's lawn...
When someone flips the fuck out while you're driving, it has somewhat of a domino effect....
OccamsHairbrush: I try to explain this to my mom every time she's in the car with me and she GASPS at something not at all dangerous or shocking. I get being a little nervous when your kid is driving you around, but I'm 26, not 16, and it makes the driver think they're not seeing something ACTUALLY alarming. I wouldn't be surprised if that sort of thing caused accidents.
KittenPurrs: My oldest and dearest friend and and I recently took a long overdue road trip. At one point, she gasped an "Oh, fuck!" which caused me to hit my breaks on the freeway. Turns out she was super-excited about an old-school jam the dj dug out. Luckily the people behind us had left enough braking room for nostalgia.
Edit: Yet again, as determiners are also quite troublesome.
Ymir_was_Framed: Your driving abilities scare me. I hope that I am never within 100 miles of you when you are operating a motor vehicle.
el_loco_avs: This. Slamming on the brakes without a reason is...well... Terrifying...
KittenPurrs: No slamming, just hitting. Went from 65 to about 60. When the passenger freaks out and says "Oh, fuck!" I assume the passenger is responding to something I haven't yet seen, like a car on her side about to sideswipe me. Brake to assess, then return to speed.
el_loco_avs: I'd say assess first. But fair enough :)
Advils_Devocate: When you're travelling at those speeds, you don't have time to assess then brake. So better safe than sorry.
el_loco_avs: I'm used to driving around large numbers of trucks, so I think differently. Don't want to get rear ended .
| 12 | 53.416667 | |
1347318926 | 1347392563 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | [deleted]: TIFU by typing redtube.com at school....
Well, It was free time in my class and I was just on youtube when my friend told me to go to reddit, and my mind being dumb as fuck I typed in redtube..... Needless to say that im not allowed to use the computer anymore..
too_many_legs: I did this, but with 4chan, and I was in highschool. Needless to say, 4chan was blocked the very next day.
abelcc: Well that's not totally fair, you could be browsing /sci/ or /lit/.
Oh wait highschool..., yeah jailbait porn and gore at /b/.
| 3 | 26 | |
1347314292 | 1347509790 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | ur_in_trouble: TIFU Got drunk, pissed in bed
**TL;DR read the title**.
So for the couple of weeks I have been drinking pretty heavily, due to stress, boredom, and for the cause of my fuck up today, i have discovered that drinking water throughout the night will completely diminish my hangovers in the morning.
So these past two weeks I have been drinking heavily and with impunity, and still being able to function in the morning.
Last night I was up to my usual mix of mixing vodka and rum based drinks when I decided to call it a night as I needed to wake up at 5am this morning. I drink my customary two 32 oz bottles of water and gently go to sleep i.e pass out in a heap. Fast foreword to 3am i turn over to check my phone to see if how much longer I have till my alarm goes off, feeling no hangover BTW, and I feel it. A wet sensation on my crotch I haven't felt since I was a kid and again young teenager (that was for a different....uh reason).
I get up and I'm drenched. My bed and sheets are drenched in what is a unholy amount of urine. Like seriously how does a bladder hold that much without waking me up? Knowing I have a shift ahead of me and only a few hours of sleep, I decided to just say fuck it. I change out of my underwear and sleepwear, strip the bed, and pick out a t shirt to shamefully lay on top on to absorb the remaining urine on my mattress. My one saving grace was that by drinking so much water a few hours before I had diluted the urine smell so my mattress is completely ruined.
Thankfully this shameful incident and having to walk past the roommates carrying sheets hoping they wont inquire as to why has finally convinced me to put down the bottle for a while and concentrate on school and work for a bit. Doesn't make up for the fact that I still fucked up.
pilvy: [Well at least this didn't happen](http://3432-philly.voxcdn.com/files/2012/01/pee-pee-doo-doo-426x640.jpg). NSFW
Yes it's a gir.
workin2hard: Shes definitely not invited back.
coboyuparp: definitly..
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1347321109 | 1347509133 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | ballsack66: TIFU cooking pork chops.
Okay, so I'm a college student, living alone in a studio apt. and I suck at cooking for myself. This evening, I thought I'd whip up some pork chops on the stove - it's usually simple enough. My first mistake was putting entirely too much oil into my massive, cast iron frying pan. I knew it might cause problems but decided to plow ahead anyway.
Sure enough, after several minutes the oil starts to crackle and spit violently, as I decide it's time to flip my pork chops. This presented a problem because all I have to do this with is a flimsy little rubberized spatula. So I quickly flip the first one over in one, fast, spastic motion. Predictably, the chop slams into the frying pan, splashing burning hot oil all over the fucking place, including my hands and arms. I jump back, knocking the frying pan off the stove. It lands with a tremendous crash, sending more scalding grease all over the floor, walls, oven, and my legs. Sadly, as the pan started falling I instinctively jumped to try and stop it. I was not nearly quick enough, and stepped into a puddle of olive oil, causing me to slip and fall over. My head and torso violently collide with the wall, knocking several other pots and pans off their respective hooks. They crash to the floor and then all is silent, except the hissing of the gas stove.
Standing to assess the damage, I see that my skull put a sizable hole in the wall, and that absolutely everything is covered in grease, including my clothes. Next there's a knock at the door and it's a concerned neighbor, who heard the commotion and thought I was in trouble. She looked at my sweaty, disheveled, oil-soaked form with raised eyebrows as I assured her everything was fine. And so I went to finish my dinner and clean up the warzone that was once my kitchen.
tl;dr In an attempt to make pork chops, I demolished my kitchen and burned the shit out of my arms and legs. Also my neighbor probably thinks I'm a lunatic.
Nimanzer: Time to become a vegetarian, methinks
coboyuparp: there is never a time for that. meat didn't cause this! OP could've mad a salad instead and cut off their finger while cutting lettuce.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1347352080 | 1347363241 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | Ninja_Guin: TIFU by grabbing a bench grinder that was spinning down
Not as bad as it sounds, ive just ground the skin off the end of my thumb, but it now makes me the last 3 accidents at work. It was also before 9am.
koenm: It might be because I'm not a native speaker but I'm not familiar with what a bench grinder is... Could you explain/give some details?
Ninja_Guin: http://www.ultimatehandyman.co.uk/benchgrinder.jpg
One of these. I went to move it after I used it by picking one side up to turn it around and wrapped my hand round the guard and pushed my thumb into one of the wheels. Idiot of the highest level.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1347368896 | 1347419435 | null | t5_2to41 | 555 | wutabum17: TIFU trying to be a decent neighbor
When I want to smoke a bowl and it's really late I like to go in my front yard for a change of pace.
Well this time it was 5 a.m. and there were a few more cars out but still quiet most of the time. After 10 minutes a van that looks like [this](http://world-viewer.com/data_images/chevrolet-van-g20/chevrolet-van-g20-07.jpg) comes around the corner and the passenger throws something at the side of one of my neighbors houses and then passes the next house and throws something that hits my adjacent neighbor's car and I hear a thud and a splat. So he continues through my neighborhood going down every cul de sac doing the same thing and then leaves.
Apparently this is the right amount of marijuana and ambition to do something for the good of my neighborhood that I assume it's the worst, which is really just a couple of douches throwing eggs at random houses. So my dumb ass quickly packs up the materials, hides them behind a bush, and runs upstairs to get my phone so I can do what I think is the right thing and call 911 w/ a license plate #.
So I cruise around my neighborhood not seeing the van, or anyone else for that matter, until I get to the final street and lo and be hold, the van is coming towards me and we reach a stop sign at the same time so I turn after him to a stop light.
I call 911 and say there's been a van w/ at least 2 people and one is throwing things at houses in my neighborhood. The operator asks what it was they were throwing and I say I don't know. Eventually she asks if it was a newspaper but by that point I had already answered a bunch of other questions and wasted her time.
**TL;DR: I wanted to be a good neighbor so bad that I ratted on a couple of what I thought were douchebags only to find out that my suspects were throwing the morning paper.**
[deleted]: Okay, yeah, this is pretty hilarious. And yes, I am laughing.
But y'know what, you tried to do the right thing, you tried to do a kind and helpful thing, and THAT MAKES YOU A HERO, DAMN IT.
Yes, it does.
...A slightly misguided and stoned hero, true, BUT A HERO NONETHELESS.
And it's a great story. :)
LuxNocte: I don't think I've ever literally laughed out loud at TIFU, but this was just marvelous.
I can just imagine how it would feel to go from "civic minded good neighbor, doing your part to rid the community of bad elements" to "wasting the 911 operator's time while important callers hold".
Good job anyway, OP. It's the thought that counts.
wutabum17: Thanks man. I felt pretty foolish so I thanked her for her help and apologized for wasting her time. She definitely acted like this has happened quite a bit.
tyronomo: 911 Operator: You called to report a newspaper delievery!? Are you smoking weed or something
OP: Um.. yes
911 Operator: Carry on then
| 5 | 111 |
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