start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1402679642 | 1402710838 | t3_282dmp | t5_2to41 | 6 | crunchy_sausage: TIFU by telling my brother he is good at cumshots
So my brother, two friends and I are playing Mario Kart 8 and have a good time. I am in first place when suddenly a green shell hit me from behind. My brother laughed so I knew it was him. He was pretty far behind so I was impressed and wanted to say "Pretty good skillshot!".
Instead my mind was all freudian and I said loudly: "whow, pretty good cumshot!" I immediately started to realize what I've just said and I blushed while my brother is staring at me and the other two are laughing their asses off.
He answered: "well, thanks." And we continued to play MK. My fear now is that our two friends wil start to bring this up regularly in the next time...
Aubear11885: We had a buddy who regularly did that. He once said give me the cock instead of keys, and said he wished he could suck guys across the room, in reference to the Half-life gravity gun.
ssjkriccolo: You can also blow em once you get it up close
| 3 | 2 | |
1402684250 | 1402688307 | t3_282kwu | t5_2to41 | 11 | thatguywiththecamry: TIFU by relieving some pressure
Munttus: I'm sorry for you. You are not the first person to shit their pants in this subreddit.
Tim337: These kinds of posts are against the rules!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402686963 | 1402713805 | t3_282pbw | t5_2to41 | 422 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom a dick to his face
I've told this story a couple times before on AskReddit.
I was 14 and going to boarding school in England. My best friend's father was the British ambassador to Turkey at the time and she invited me to their house for a week over the Christmas holidays. All the diplomats' children were planning a huge party that had to be canceled when news came that the Prime Minister was coming to visit and would be staying in the ambassador's mansion with us (this was in 2006 and IIRC something was going on about Turkey joining the EU)
The day of his arrival, my friend and I stood in the ballroom watching the commotion as all the PM's people came flooding into the ambassador's mansion. As a very self-involved 14 year old American, who hadn't been living in the UK for very long, I had no idea what the British Prime Minister looked like so it went something like
>"Is that Tony Blair?"
>"No."
>"Is that Tony Blair?"
>"No."
>"Oh that one right there, that must be Tony Blair."
>"No Bekah, that's the Chinese deliveryman."
Later on that evening, I was hanging out in one of the TV rooms when a man walked in. He started making smalltalk and mentioned the party we were supposed to have and how awfully cross we all must be that we wouldn't be able to have it anymore. I said "Ehh, I hear the guy's a bit of a knob anyway."
And that's how I met Tony Blair.
breakingmad1: An american calling someone a knob? Yeah right
Shark-Farts: An impressionable early teen immersed in a new culture picking up a few new colloquialisms? Yes, really.
breakingmad1: In a new culture but didn't know who tony Blair was? Bullshit
Shark-Farts: I knew who he was, I just didn't know what he looked like.
I was 14 years old and had only been there ~5 months at that point, the majority of which had been spent secluded at my boarding school in a tiny village.
Plus I am American and back then I had zero interest in the politics of my *own* country, much less the UK's. In fact, I was informed that a black man was running for president *by the headmaster of my school* who was somewhat appalled to learn how little I knew of the political happenings of my own country.
I never watched the news or read the paper back then. How would I know what he looks like? ...why would I care? I was just a kid.
breakingmad1: Well you must live with your head under a rock. I knew who the yank president was when I was a kid, because it was impossible to avoid it, not because I had any interest I'm politics
toulouse420: That's because the President of the United States is the leader of the free world. The only time in the last 20 years that the pm of England hasn't looked like a bitch standing near him is when Hugh Grant told Billy Bob that he was a chump in love actually.
Shark-Farts: Funnily enough, the first time I ever saw *Love Actually* was during this very trip.
toulouse420: I thought it was kinda lame the first time I watched it but it was an edited for TV version
| 9 | 46.888889 | |
1402685731 | 1402690874 | t3_282nbo | t5_2to41 | 8 | OneHandedCatch: TIFU by infecting my company's network
This just happened and i'm freaking out.
I just talked to my manager and she was told by IT that a virus infecting the company network came from my computer.
Apparently, it was due to the fact that I go on "inappropriate" websites. Now, the only websites I go to is reddit and various news websites.
I don't know exactly what happened, but when you're told that you're the sole reason why it's happening, well it's freaking me out.
cinikal: Tell IT to download and install Antivirus Pro Defender 2014 ;)
Forgewise: They should go ahead and get 2015, it comes with next year's definitions...
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1402690148 | 1402763092 | t3_282un4 | t5_2to41 | 808 | MachuPickachu: TIFU by jerking it off in front of my sister and her friend.
To be truthful, this wasn't actually today. But three days ago.
I'm up in my room bored out of my mind when I get the sudden urge to have a fapathon. I know I'm by myself in my house, so why not. So I put in my headphones and find the best porn I could find. 10 minutes go by and my sister and her friend decide they are bored of the mall and want to come home early. I'm expecting to be home alone for another 45 minutes or so.
I have my headphones in so I don't hear them enter the house. I swore I heard something but I passed it off as nothing (why oh god did I do that) 50 seconds pass and I orgasm. Blow my load everywhere. I look down from my phone and see my sister and her friend just standing at my doorway. The look of a thousand nightmares on their faces. I quickly pull my pants up and they close the door.
How long were they standing there for!? It was a very awkward dinner that night in my house, that's for sure...
Just to be clear, my sister and her friend are both 19, not that it helps the situation much.
Capt_Drakes: Are you a masturbater neophyte? You never, NEVER, wear headphones while you masturbate.
Now thats done. Is your sister hot?
MachuPickachu: No!
iProgoalie: Is her friend?
MachuPickachu: Yes....
iProgoalie: Then you didn't fuck up.
MachuPickachu: She saw her friends chubby brother blow his load all over himself. More like today she fucked up...
i_pk_pjers_i: I like you, you're funny. :)
MachuPickachu: Stahp, you are making me blush
MassiveBallacks: It's okay. Pretend /u/I_PK_PJERS_I is your sister's hot friend.
MachuPickachu: Imagination!
TheDrunkHispanic: Just make sure you're home alone before you start doing anything...
| 12 | 67.333333 | |
1402691294 | 1402693288 | t3_282wgh | t5_2to41 | 7 | LDRAandM: TIFU by not staying home and my mother nearly dying.
Sooo while this was close to two years ago I feel as though this still applies. A bit of back story: My mother was diagnosed with M.S. when she was 21. Her condition degraded to a point she wasn't able to walk and her immune system was mostly shot. So one particular night she started to heat up and didn't seem to feel well. I didn't think much of it and she said she was fine. I wanted to go out that night to hang with my friends, but my grandmother (also one of my moms caregivers) told me I should stay. I said fuck that and my mom told me she was fine and that I should go. So I go and hang out with my friends and we are watching movies til about 4am. I get a gut feeling and ask my friend to take me home. When I get out of the car I rush into the house and what I find is awful. She's soaked in sweat and can barely move her arms, her fever was 102.5 which was bad for her. I start bawling my eyes and call 911 and I get her to a hospital. According to the doctor she had some sort of infection and if I would've come about 40 minuets later she most likley would of been dead.
TL;DR: My mom nearly died because of my stupidity.
savmat: Thats terrible. Yeah I probably would have stayed with her but its perfectly acceptable to go out with your friends every once in a while, especially with your grandmother home as well.
Speaking of, where was she while you were out?
LDRAandM: She was at her home. Probably should have clarified. She isn't a live in caregiver, in fact at 16 I was the closest to that. Makes me look even worse...Christ I regret that night.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402690303 | 1402694898 | t3_282uv5 | t5_2to41 | 118 | DoesntEatBabies: TIFU by trying to cheer up my crush with a joke
So this happened about three hours ago. But to set up the story, we've got to go deeper.
So I've been talking to a girl I'm crushing on, and it seems fairly mutual, and things have been going alright. Last night we were texting, while a friend of mine was editing Game of Thrones fanfiction for someone (maybe just don't ask) and he asked me for terms that sounded serious and literary, and meant vagina.
I proposed my list of a few, "mound, honeypot, chasm, meat curtains." Was generally shot down, unsurprising. I decided to recruit other help, texted crush "Creative, literary terms for vagina, as if you were writing smut. Go." Made her laugh, good times were had by all, and I found out she used one word and one word only to creatively describe the hatchet wound that never heals, velvet. I shared my list with her, it was weird and fun and dumb, and I went to sleep.
Today, she was just having sort of a rough day, and was kind of upset. She had to work all night so she was exhausted, and just frustrated with a few things that had left her upset. I managed to cheer her up, and was going to play off of last night’s weirder conversation to try and keep her laughing. The text exchange (almost) went as follows:
Me: “You’re cute.
Her: “Thanks. So are you.”
Me: “Awe. :) My only criticism is that you NEED more than one word to describe vaginas in fan fiction.”
Me: “I really like you, so I’m willing to let you borrow ‘meat curtains.’”
I checked my phone a couple minutes later when she hadn’t responded, and saw that MY FUCKING PHONE DIDN’T SEND THE FIRST PART. Instead, the conversation went: “You’re cute.” “Thanks. So are you.” “I really like you, so I’m willing to let you borrow ‘meat curtains.’”
I went into emergency “holy shit my phone made me look like a fucking weirdo” mode, but she hasn’t responded yet.
TL:DR – I fucked up by offering my crush my meat curtains.
Organicy: First of all, you should have went with "Whispering eye"
Secondly, just explain your phones a piece and didn't send the first part. its no big deal, if she likes you she will brush it of and laugh.
Krakkin: Whispering eye is a great one.
| 3 | 39.333333 | |
1402697466 | 1402717501 | t3_2836h5 | t5_2to41 | 20 | kakakrabbypatty: TIFU by poking my eardrum.
So this was technically two days ago, but I think it still qualifies as a TIFU. I was showering and my ears got all plugged up so I thought to myself, "man it'll be nice to clean my ears out" with an amount of enthusiasm that would be acceptable over at /r/popping. After I dried off I pulled out a few handy dandy q-tips and started jackin around with my ears and went a little too deep into my right ear. Now everything on my right side is muffled a little bit and I'm kind of freaking out.
Cynicalteets: You likely shoved your cerumen (ear wax) deeper in your ear. It's now shoved up and impacted against your drum causing the muffling. Don't freak out. Head to your nearest cvs or walgreens and pick up an ear syringe. It looks like a turkey baster with a long elephant trunk on it. Fill it full of warm water and put it in your ear canal and unload it against your drum. You may have to do this a few times until you get the wax out. I like to do it over a sink of water so that I can catch the wax and save it for my personal collection...
Jk
But I still like to make sure I was successful at getting shit outta my ear, hence, the water filled sink.
I am a licensed medical provider.
Edit: cerumen, not cerulean
kakakrabbypatty: thanks man. It's nice to know that I'm not going to go deaf.
Cynicalteets: Sure, no problem. And if by chance you did puncture your drum, those spontaneously heal in 1-3 months anyway in most cases. In some rare cases an ent have to patch up your drum.
kakakrabbypatty: So my ear is ringing at an extremely high frequency and I can only hear it when it's quiet. Is that bad?
Cynicalteets: That's called tinnitus. Could be from several different reasons some of which are permanent and some of which are temporary. They can range from problems such as noise induced hearing loss, to changes in your inner ear pressure, to ear wax build up.
I have tinnitus in my right ear from listening to too much death metal in my early 20s. There are recently some awesome scientific breakthroughs in research regarding treating the permanent form of this. It's not a medication, but rather either an implant or a hearing aide.
Hope yours goes away soon. I remember the first few nights when mine appeared. It was difficult to fall asleep.
kakakrabbypatty: I see. I too listen to a bit of metal a bit too loud.
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1402698254 | 1402719739 | t3_2837oc | t5_2to41 | 325 | BrotherTeddyBear: TIFU by sleeping with a random guy from the internet
mythrowawayresponse: **THE RULE IN THIS SITUATION HERE IS:**
... never speak of unspoken things unless you are spoken about them first.
**DENY EVERYTHING. ADMIT NOTHING**
ARCLECTIC: But she caught me on the counter
It wasn't me
sweetpea122: Saw me bangin on the sofa
DeepDownThinker: I don't know what to do!
sweetpea122: youre supposed to say "I even had her in the shower"
DeepDownThinker: Nah man. Wasn't me.
sweetpea122: well *I* didnt sleep with anyone's uncle.
| 8 | 40.625 | |
1402698576 | 1402729269 | t3_28385h | t5_2to41 | 66 | sunosun: TIFU by thinking stupid stuff while peeing
So, I go to pee at my work rest room. Right before I unzip, I couldn't help notice this guy besides me who is looking at his pee pee and smiling. It was kind of smile that one has on some surprise achievement or something, as if a young guy masturbated first time kinda. Then he suddenly finds me looking at him with a "what a weirdo!!" look on my face. I can even hear his stream stammering. He quickly finishes and go back. I starts to unload my tank and started thinking some stupid imagination of what that guy might be thinking, like "wow !! a green colored one, I can kill the superman! " or "Golden stream ! let me write her name" ( I know these are not funny). While I'm thinking this stupid stuff, I got that grin on my face and then a shock. The weirdo guy had left and my boss was there looking at me smiling at my pee pee with the same weirdo look !!
Da_Porta: I'm callin bullshit. No adult uses the term "pee pee"
ssjkriccolo: I say wenus.
Da_Porta: And you aren't an adult.
ssjkriccolo: It's from Friends... From like 20 years ago.
MyNameIsSkittles: Don't make me feel old. Damn you. I watched Friends every week when it was new..
ssjkriccolo: Me too and I don't feel old at all. Mario Kart tends to do that.
| 7 | 9.428571 | |
1402704708 | 1402705558 | t3_283gf9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | ChubakTheGreat: TIFU by taking too much sleeping pills
Just this morning I was sad and fucked up so I decided to get high by Ambien. I took like 2 but then I too 16. Everything after that is a haze. I can remember going out and asking people on the street for drugs. When I woke up it was 7 in the afternoon... at the hospital's tox unit.
The only thing I regret is messaging a girl I don't even like and saying I like her lol.
whatxever: Oh my god. I'm glad you're okay.
ChubakTheGreat: Thanks. But I've done this before. The only thing it does is making my mom resent me more.
| 3 | 1 | |
1402705285 | 1402716312 | t3_283h4d | t5_2to41 | 95 | dannygojo: TIFU by letting my dad catch me, masturbating to youtube videos (NSFW)
This happened just a couple of minutes ago. I was kinda bored and it was almost time for bed. So i thought why not get a last session before going to sleep ? Whats the worst that could happen ?!?!
I started browsing through some Youtube video's. And saw this a thumbnail of a girl in tight lycra pants. The fapping commenced, after a few minutes of doing the deed i hear someone going down the stairs. And i think " Oh it's just my brother going downstairs for a drink" (He never comes to my room). But to my surprise it was actually my dad going upstairs towards my room !! My pants were down to my ankles. I hear the door open and see its my dad. I had no time to react because nothing was infront of my door to block, anyone from coming in.
As i look at my father's expression..... just pure disappointment and he quickly closed the door.
I don't really go along with my dad, so this makes it even more akward.
I think it's time to move out of the house....
TLDR : My dad caught me butt naked, fapping towards explicit Youtube videos.
MachuPickachu: You fapped to a youtube video?
/r/gonewild
/r/NSFW_GIF
/r/boobs
/r/pussy
/r/jilling
/r/homemade_xxx
I can go on and on and on and on
/r/NSFW
/r/orgasm
/r/Sexy_Ed
/r/RealGirls
/r/squirting
/r/vintagesmut
Edit: I'm not proud of this knowledge
/r/smalltits
/r/torpedotits
/r/just18
/r/milf
/r/gonewildcurvy
/r/straighgirlsplaying
/r/hentai
/r/yuri
Bardofdarkness: >You fapped to a youtube video?
>/r/gonewild
>/r/NSFW_GIF
>/r/boobs
>/r/pussy
>/r/jilling
>/r/homemade_xxx
>I can go on and on and on and on
>/r/NSFW
>/r/orgasm
>/r/Sexy_Ed
>/r/RealGirls
>/r/squirting
>/r/vintagesmut
>Edit: I'm not proud of this knowledge
>/r/smalltits
>/r/torpedotits
>/r/just18
>/r/milf
>/r/gonewildcurvy
>/r/straighgirlsplaying
>/r/hentai
>/r/yuri
Saved
MachuPickachu: Using your gold wisely I see.
LizardWafflez: Everyone can save now, and do you not have RES?
| 5 | 19 | |
1402700745 | 1402743314 | t3_283b5f | t5_2to41 | 2 | SeaBassSandwhich: TIFU for putting effort into to something and expecting something out of it
Just to clarify I'm kinda just using this to vent my anger because I've never really had this feeling before.
This stupid feeling of putting so much effort into something and getting nothing out of it. I recently made a video, a little recap video of a video game event that I spent 2 weeks each night up late trying to perfect it when all that happened was that it went un-noticed. It really sucks having that feeling and it's incredibly demoralizing. I just feel like crap cause of this and that all that work was for nothing. I'm just leaving it now as water under the bridge but I know this is gonna bug me for a long time, :/
tl;dr: An angel dies every time you put effort into something.
Turd_in_the_hole: Hey, don't rely on the reactions of others to validate your actions. If you did it just to impress then yes, I suppose you got little out if it at first glance. But I'd always caution against doing anything just to impress others. If you stayed up late and put so much effort into it then it should be something that has value to you- maybe you enjoyed it, learned from the process or whatever. And now you have something that at least you can be proud of and a sense of accomplishment.
SeaBassSandwhich: Thanks :)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1402706317 | 1402708145 | t3_283icr | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by shooting a kid's new RC plane with a full auto AK.
unclefisty: If you were firing a rifle into the air youre probably already dumb as a stump. Those bullets gotta land someplace.
Of course this probably never happened nor do you likely own a full auto AK.
leviathan_of_dis: It was in the direction away from town, and not straight up. It wouldn't even come close to the nearest town in that direction. And how is it hard to believe I own a gun? :/
unclefisty: If you don't know where your bullets are landing you should not be firing. It's a basic rule of gun safety. If you're going to be shooting at birds in the air use a shotgun. I didn't say I didn't believe you owned a gun, I said I highly doubted you owned a full auto AK big difference.
| 4 | 1 | |
1402702901 | 1402724916 | t3_283e0r | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by pranking my grandmother into thinking I had died
So, this was still why was in high school. I had gone up north to a cabin in Arizona for the Fourth of July weekend. As a teenager we were getting fucked up, smoking pot and everything so I wasn't being very smart to begin with. We got back home to my friends house and we wanted to go out bowling that night. I called home to ask if it was okay if I went out. Now I was known for being a prankster, I would call and pretend to be all sorts of different things to whoever answered the phone. They usually realize it is me and play along to be funny. This time I decided to be highway patrol.
My grandmother answered the phone and I said "Is this mrs. Aces613?" She said "yes" for some reason at this point I thought she knew it was me. I said "this is sergeant McCoy and I need to let your know that your grandson has been in a fatal accident"
I don't even know why the word "fatal" came out of my mouth, it wasn't necessary for a prank, but what I heard next haunts me to this day... She started bawling and trying to tell the others in the house that I had died." I immediately started saying "it's me, it's me, I'm okay." But the damage was done. I could hear her heart break over the phone. Needless to say she didn't let me go out that night and I always wondered if I wasn't getting so fucked up that weekend if my stupid brain wouldn't have said that. She died about a year back and I never got to sincerely apologize to her.
Tl;dr: pretended to be highway patrol and told my grandmother I died in a wreck
ayowrya: you aren't allowed to say "up north" and "arizona" in the same sentence
aces613: Pinetop AZ, happy?
ThePixelMouse: So up in Crystal Meth Mountain?
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1402707842 | 1402711068 | t3_283k9j | t5_2to41 | 29 | my_pc_smells: TIFU By telling my father he's a crappy dad
Okay, so some context. My mother is schizophrenic (It's controlled well with medication these days) and my dad drinks alcohol like it's water.They're divorced, and they're constantly bitter towards one another.
***
I get to see my dad once a fortnight, for two days. Which, I really appreciate. I mean, I get to see my freaking dad, he's got his problems, but he's still my dad.
Unfortunately when I came to see him today, he had already been drinking, like the past few times I've come to see him. I decided to walk to my grandmas house to see how she was doing, because it was pretty obvious he hadn't today.
When I got back, he had left a note. "Gone out with friends". He came back 4 or so hours later absolutely trollied. I knew food would help him sober up, so I made a curry for him to eat. When I asked him to eat, he told me "The crazy bitch you call mum told me to eat all the time too". I took little offense, he was drunk after all.
It was only when I tried to get him into bed, when he uttered the words "You're dead to me". Obviously drunk, but it still didn't numb the pain that caused. My dad telling me I am dead to him. He then proceeded to tell me how I was exactly like my "bitch" mother, and she had brainwashed me to get me to "hate" him.
In the end, I grew sick of seeing my dad trollied for the small amount of time I get to see him over 18 years of my life and came out with "Well at least she makes an effort".
He then proceeded to tell me how "Yeah.. I bet she tells you that, stupid whore". At this point, I lost it. I ended up saying [paraphrasing, don't want to repeat it all] "Well at least mum cared for me when I was young, you're just a drunk excuse for wasted space".
***
It's been a night, I hoped he would sleep it off, but he didn't. He wants to take me home once he gets back from taking my grandma shopping, and he keeps muttering "Things have been said. I can't look at you in the same way anymore".
I know my rant was unjustified and just plain rude from son to father, but it bugs me he can't understand why I came out with what I did, especially when I've been holding it back for 15 years (Mum split with me when I was 3).
***
So redditors, don't mistreat your mother/father for being an asshole. You only have one of them respectively, and not knowing whether or not they'll ever talk to you again is a crushing feeling I can't even begin to comprehend.
WPBDoc: Don't feel bad...he sounds like sperm donor, not a father. Making a kid doesn't make one real dad. I'm sorry for your rough life. I hope you will be able to find the right kind of spouse and have a wonderful live being the opposite of what you've had presented to you.
my_pc_smells: Well, at the end of the day he's my dad, no matter what I think of him. He still should at least be a part of my life.
Kill_All_Trolls: >Well, at the end of the day he's my dad.He still should at least be a part of my life.
I disagree. Wholeheartedly disagree. My dad was/is a raging alcoholic. He and my Mom separated. He never made an effort to get back in my life until I was 12. He's an asshole and talks about my Mom badly. He never paid child support, he was abusive to my Mother, he's an irresponsible asshole.
Basically, if someone is shitty, it doesn't matter who they are, they don't deserve your attention or your foucs.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1402688075 | 1402804963 | t3_282r6c | t5_2to41 | 6 | bartendr412: TIFU by Almost Burning Down My Parents' House
So this was a few years ago, but I have noticed that most of what people post on here did not actually happen to them that same day. Anyway, I was definitely a stoner in high school/college and enjoyed partaking in the herbal remedy.
At the time this story takes place, I was home visiting from college while on a break. It was a week day, which meant that my parents were both at work all day and I had the house to myself. Well of course this meant that I was free to smoke and relax about the house. My parents' house is set up that we have a nice finished basement, and the door to the basement leads out to under our porch. My parents had been having trouble getting the grass to grow in our yard, so they had been spreading grass seed and hay all over the yard. This meant that there were extra bales of hay under the porch (saved to be spread out over the yard later).
So I went outside of the basement for a little session and started doing my thing. After a little bit, I'm feeling pretty good, as per usual. Now here is where my pot-addled brain failed me. For some reason I decided it would be a good idea to take one of the many dried up leaves on the ground around me and light it on fire. After letting the leaf burn for a bit I made the genius decision to set it down on one of the bales of hay, thinking that it may be kind of cool to let the hay burn for a little.
I'm sure you can guess how this ended up. Of course the hay began to burn very quickly and faster than I had anticipated. I realized it was getting too intense for me to even just put out with my hand. So I run into the basement (leaving the door to the outside open) and run upstairs to get a glass. I run back down to the basement bathroom, fill the glass with water, run outside under the porch, and throw the water onto the burning bale of hay (which of course is growing in intensity). I repeat the process of running to the basement bathroom, filling the glass with water, and running back outside to throw the water on the hay bales. Of course the glass is not big enough to hold enough water and the fire is only getting bigger (meanwhile smoke is also filling the basement because I have left the basement door open this entire time in my haste to put out the fire).
At this point I am freaking out because I don't know how I am going to put this fire out. And then it dawns on me. There is a disconnected hose and a water spout under the porch too. I then rush to connect the hose and I'm able to FINALLY put the fire out. Just as I put the fire out, two guys walk up from around the front of the house and ask if everything was okay. Apparently they had seen the smoke from the fire from the road and had been worried the house was on fire. I quickly tried to make some excuse and say everything was fine, but I was obviously kind of out of it (between being scared shitless and having just smoked).
I then proceeded to throw all of the burnt remnents of hay into garbage bags. After that, you could just see a couple of burn marks under where the hay had been, but the house was otherwise undamaged. I just then had to spend some time with fans and open windows trying to get the smell of smoke out of the basement. My parents never found out.
tl;dr I was a stupid stoner college kid who almost burned down my parents' house by lighting hay bales on fire
KeytoDestinyXIII: Sounds like you really..
Blazed it up.
I'm done now.
redoverture: Thank you. Thank you for that.
Edit: Sorry for the three posts, my computer spazzed out :P
| 3 | 2 | |
1402709333 | 1403382110 | t3_283m4x | t5_2to41 | 5,015 | Brasky_Bill: TIFU by telling my father in law how well I Fuck his daughter.
So a bit of a backstory, I'm 29 and have had a slight case of Tourette's since I was about 14, nothing too serious, I can usually keep a lid on it but I slip up every now and then, mostly when I'm nervous or stressed. Anyway, my wife and I just finished moving across the country for her job and made a trip to Florida this year to see our parents for father's day. I'm currently still looking for a job and my wife's dad has never really cared much for me. So we arrive at her parents house for dinner and the topic of me being a house-husband comes up. Here's how the convo went.
Father in law: "So with all this time at home, you must be getting a lot of work done in the house, right?"
Me: "Well I'm not very good at carpentry, so we're hiring someone to do the bathroom and porch."
Father in law: "Well then, that must give you a lot of time to keep the cars in good shape and well kept, right?"
Me: "Honestly, I'm not great with cars either, so we just stick to mechanics for that stuff."
Father in law: "Well jeez, is there anything you do well?"
Me (thinking to myself): "Don't say 'fuck your daughter', don't say 'fuck your daughter...' "
Me: "Fuck your daughter." (Nnnnnnoooooooooo!!)
Her dad immediately got up and left the room without saying a word. I apologized later and he understood that I really couldn't help it. My wife thought it was the funniest moment of her life, possibly the most embarrassing for me.
TL;DR: I told my father in law that the only thing I do well is fuck his daughter.
Norstic: I think it was a valid question. Let's say sex is a cooperative effort. I don't think we'll have argument there. So her participation is equal to yours and your effort doesn't mean more; they cancel each other out. Do you take care of the kids while she's at work? Maintain the home? Looking for a job of your own? I don't blame her father for wanting to know his daughter didn't marry a deadbeat.
[deleted]: Have you not had sex?
Very rarely if ever is it a "cooperative". She lays there waiting for the boy to pee in her, then when he goes to work in a factory.
cream_and_peaches: Have you never had good sex then?
I feel for you...
[deleted]: Good is a matter of taste. I have had tasty sex.
cream_and_peaches: Ok then...
I still think that if the woman is just lying there looking bored, something is wrong, or indeed, if either of them look bored it's not a good sign.
[deleted]: Depends on what you're into. I don't judge you for liking weiner torture.
cream_and_peaches: That's a pretty big leap you made there... active sex to torture? Hell, I just want to be sure everyone has a good time.
[deleted]: So you don't like weiner torture?
I discussed this with your friends and family last week and the main subject, aside from your drug addiction, was your love of weiner torture.
cream_and_peaches: Well done. Pretending to know my friends and family.
Tell me, if you know them so well, what's my Mother's first name?
You're evidently a troll.
I require proof if you insist otherwise.
[deleted]: I've always called her Mom, but it's {cough murmermurmer}. There we good?
Listen, if you want to have people tie up your wiener and slap it that's fine, but you have to stop asking us for money when you spend all your paycheck on it. You have a problem, but there's not a wiener torture AA so till there is we're all you got.
cream_and_peaches: Uh... I'm female.
Also, you're in the wrong time zone. Waaaaay off.
Oh, and it's called "cock and ball torture" not wiener torture, AKA CBT.
And no, I don't charge, but I am picky.
[deleted]: First off call yourself whatever you want, but having a penis makes you a dude. Call it "cock and ball torture" or whatever the hell you want, MUM doesn't give a shit. Stop her asking her for money. You know she's on a fixed income and can't afford it every time you need a session/stitches for your weenie.
cream_and_peaches: I don't have a penis... Not sure where you got that idea either lol
Thanks for the entertainment though. You're certainly one of the more creative trolls I've ever come across.
Please, continue. Tell me what else is wrong with the life you've created for me?
[deleted]: First off, not a troll. I don't live under a fucking bridge, I don't go after boy holes. You offend us both by your ignorance and I will not let it abide.
I'm telling Janet about all this. I know it seems drastic to call your parole officer over something as innocuous as a casual internet interaction, but you've shown time and again you have the inability to control yourself.
Don't attempt to delete your comments. I have saved them all. I will also send them to Mum so she's knows that the charade continues.
cream_and_peaches: lol
TIL Trolls apparently go after young boys. Here was me, thinking they ate goats xD
I think Janet will be too busy worrying about her workplace being under-staffed to worry about me.
Why would I delete my comments? This is excellent! I might have to write a book xD
[deleted]: You should. Hollywood is buying wiener torture stories like mad. I've been reading a ton as research and let me tell you there's a lot of wiener torture out there.
cream_and_peaches: I know where such stories belong, and I'm pretty sure Hollywood has little interest.
The porn industry however... well, that's another thing entirely.
This line of conversation, however, was one I had planned to reserve for a joke book of dark humour.
[deleted]: This has no business in porn. I've been searching for videos of wiener torture and only found positive family oriented activities so I'm starting to think Mom is losing her shit and that you're actually coaching a inner city youth baseball team.
DO NOT MAKE PORN OF THAT PERVERT.
cream_and_peaches: Oh, and you might want to search "tranny porn" while you're at it ;)
[deleted]: No thanks, I live next to a bunch to trains and I don't find them sexually stimulating slightly.
Is it the choo choo that does it for you or the thought that the cars are full of vagrants ready to help with wiener torture for a price?
cream_and_peaches: Neither. It's the power that drives the whole thing. Damn those sexy trains...
[deleted]: Chicks do dig power. It's a shame you're a dude with a wiener. Means you're probably gay. I don't know though, I'm not a gay scientist or Mark McGrath. Yes the Dude from Sugar Ray. No he's not gay, he's just got super great gaydar.
TIL: gaydar is officially a word as it did not set off my spell checker.
cream_and_peaches: I've always had a thing for strong, powerful women. Don't you know that all vehicles are female? Boats, cars, trains, planes - all female.
I'm not sure why the gay thing is of importance anyway. People are people. Some people are sexy. Why does it matter what's between their legs?
And yes, well done, gaydar is a word. What are you, like, 12?
[deleted]: Significantly older than that, I was just shocked. Love our language, makes me smile sometimes.
If I was 12 I would be asking for tit shots and shit. Instead we're having discussions as two responsible adults. One pretending to be a woman, the other pretending to be a bank robber hiding out from the G Men in the 1930's.
cream_and_peaches: lol, now if I could just figure out which is which... :p
[deleted]: Is your wiener tucked at present? Mine is.
cream_and_peaches: I'm naked.
[deleted]: Smart. Saves time on the proving you're not a dude. Next step is to contact some sort of medical professional to have them confirm.
I suggest a Podiatrist. They get freaked out when you whip your junk out and insist it's causing your foot pain.
cream_and_peaches: Find me a podiatrist (& send him my way) and we'll get right on that, shall we?
[deleted]: Yup, you're a dude. No lady ever whips out her vag to docs. That's porno shit. You've been caught. Now stop this. Your Mum is worried and Dud(sp?) is thinking about boot camp again. If you get thrown out of this one he'll probably stroke out.
How's Aunt Martha? Have you heard anything? I know cousin Billy sucked out a good deal of the poison, but did that stop it?
cream_and_peaches: *Dad
Wow you really are terrible at this. Ever heard of a gyno? Not all women are ladies, and some women have no problem with getting their kit off.
Pfft! boot camp lol
Doctors said she's in a pretty critical condition and she's still intensive care, but she's stable. They're unsure yet whether or not she'll make it.
I kinda hope she doesn't... I hear we get pretty good inheritance & life insurance if she pops her clogs.
[deleted]: Gyno? Like with the flat bread and shit? There used to be a gyno place down the street, but it shutdown. Turns out it was a back door abortion clinic.
cream_and_peaches: Huh, that's odd... Who'd have thought that a gyno place would perform abortions?
[deleted]: Not me. That's why I protested it. I'm not pro life or anything but I hate it when a business doesn't clearly define it's services.
Good gynos though.
| 35 | 143.285714 | |
1402710433 | 1402711903 | t3_283niz | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting tackled by a fat man while trying to steal his dog.
delphium226: Why wouldn't he return the dog?
qwagod: It is damn cute and he fell in love with it.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402710268 | 1402712539 | t3_283nc2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Bs4Karma: TIFU by applying for over 30 jobs.
cy00tx: Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like I've seen this on here before.
assainXD1: Ikr I feel the same way
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402710004 | 1402713234 | t3_283mzr | t5_2to41 | 29 | HOMIAS: TIFU by forgetting about my cleaning lady AND my weed
I recently became a yuppy and got a cleaning lady, but I haven't yet gotten used to having her clean every two weeks. Thus, when she showed up this morning, I was still in bed, having had worked until the wee hours of the morning last night. I scrambled to get dressed and hide the sex toys, ball gags, etc., things you definitely do not want to find neatly dusted and arranged on your bedside table. After doing a quick sweep of the house to check that I hadn't left out anything offensive, I left for work. I FORGOT MY FUCKING POT. Just left it sitting on the living room shelf in its cute little pink box with pipe, lighter, screens, etc. There is no way she opened the box, nay lifted it, without SMELLING what it was. Fast forward 10 hours, I come home and notice the house is clean, but it looks like she left in a hurry. There are weird things out of place: an ice cube tray left unfilled on the counter, clean towels cast aside on the shelf in the laundry room. Also, the entire shelf the pot was on was noticeably undusted. Do I still have a cleaning lady? More importantly, is she going to tell anyone about my weed? Today I fucked up by leaving my totally illegal pot (in my state) in a place it could be discovered by my cleaning lady. Fuck.
alllie: Decades ago I was with a coworker/friend and his wife in the room of a rich friend of theirs listening to music on a very expensive sound system. With four six foot tall speakers that cost more than about three years of my income. My friend was trying to roll a joint for himself and the rich dude, (I and the wife didn't smoke) and spilt a largish bag of grass all over the rug. He apologized and tried to get the grass out of the shag carpeting. The rich guy told him not to worry about it, that the maid would clean it up tomorrow.
I guess life is different for the rich.
HOMIAS: Well, I mean I do expect her to cut and bag my kilo of cocaine, but that is different.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1402709625 | 1402716614 | t3_283mh2 | t5_2to41 | 29 | Bob_0119: TIFU: Trying to get my yard mowed (NSFW: language)
So, being legally blind, I don't do well mowing the lawn. I have had a kid from the neighborhood mow my lawn since shortly after my wife and I bought our house five years ago.
He was supposed to come out last weekend, but went MIA.
I tried texting him, and calling him; total radio silence. By Tuesday my yard was looking like a jungle. So, I went to Craigslist.
I found a guy, college age kid according to the ad, and he said he could come out by Thursday evening.
After making these arrangements, my usual kid hit me up. Turns out he has a new job, and had lost his phone, and yadda, yadda, yadda. I didn't tell him about the other guy, I just told him not to worry about it "this time".
So, next thing I know, CollegeKid hits me up and tells me he forgot he had something to do Thursday and asks if we can do Wednesday instead. "Perfect", I think to myself and tell him that would be great.
Wednesday afternoon rolls around and about 30-minutes before he's supposed to show up we have a massive thunderstorm roll in.
We talked about doing the lawn Friday evening (tonight) but I had a funeral to go to. So, we plan on shooting for Thursday afternoon around 2pm. I'd have to cut out of work a little early, but it was doable.
Just as I'm getting ready to leave work...thunderstorm. Dammit.
So, now we are shooting for today at noon. Now, I don't drive (being legally blind and all) so I have to get a cab from work. I double check with CollegeKid to make sure we are still a go and I'm on my way.
The weather's perfect. Sunny, puffy white clouds. Finally, gonna get this done. CollegeKid hits me up at noon and says "be there in 10."
"No sweat" I think to myself, "take all the time you need".
Thirty minutes later, CollegeKid still hasn't arrived. My sister, back at my office sends me a text telling me It's storming at my office. "Wow, looking outside, the weather is still perfect, but my office is 20-minutes north of here. Then I hear it, the loud rumble of thunder. I walk around the corner of my house and can see the nightmarish black clouds.
I grab my phone to reply to my sister. I sent three texts rapid fire.
Me: "Just heard Thunder and can see it North of here. God dammit!"
Me: "Figures the mother-fucker would be late"
Me: "he could have been half done by now."
I continue my little tantrum in my carport, waiting for CollegeKid to roll up when I get a reply message.
CollegeKid: "Are you talking about me?"
I have never misfired a text like this before. I am probably just as stunned as he is. Well, dammit, this can go one of three ways. I can lie, say it was something work related. I was sufficiently vague. Maybe he'll buy it.
I can be honest, maybe he'll laugh it off because he's just as frustrated as I am by this whole thing by now....or....
Me: "yeah, sorry, my office just told me it's storming up there and I can see it coming"
Me: "just frustrated"
Me: "I thought I was replying to them"
CollegeKid: "Do your own yard, see ya"
Followed immediately by a thunderstorm; perfect.
-----
Post script; I hit up my usual kid and he said he'd be able to do it this weekend "weather permitting".
Edit: formatting
tmd32709: "So, being legally blind"...how did you type this...
Creepy-Steve: Being legally blind, how did he see the black clouds?
Bob_0119: Legally blind isn't the same as completely blind. My vision is extremely poor (20/200 with glasses). I can see light and dark pretty well, but struggle with details. For example, I can see a vehicle 100 yards away, but not be able to tell you what color it is, or whether it's a car or a minivan.
With grass, it's hard for me to tell the difference in height between what has been cut and what hasn't. When I mow the yard, I get most of it, but usually wind up with big tufts of it that I missed (usually pointed out by someone else).
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1402713357 | 1402718213 | t3_283r0e | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a cancer survivor feel like shit for giving my daughter a gift
I'm exhausted. I just drove four hours to spend the weekend with my four year old daughter and my wife. Find out we're house sitting for her parents because they're out of town, and my daughter has had a recurring fever this week. I drive another 30 minutes, carry everything for the weekend inside, and see a girl watching TV. She's tanned and has highlights, so I'm thinking she's like 18.
After my wife says hi and they exchange pleasantries, she gets super excited and gives my daughter a Minnie mouse doll and a get well card (for the fever). My daughter runs to her room to play with the doll, and I look at the tag. Something looked off with the doll. It didn't look like a normal Minnie mouse doll. My first thought was that it was a Minnie mouse knockoff, but in retrospect it was just a 1930's version of her. But I said "Looks like a cheap knockoff," while looking at the tag, finding the Disney trademark.
The first warning was that she said it was super expensive at $15 and began defending the purchase. I felt bad I said it but didn't think through the mistake.
When she left, my wife immediately tore into me that she was a 13 year old high school student and beat lymphoma (blood cancer) when she was my daughter's age, and that the first signs of the cancer were recurring fever when she was my daughter's age.
I guess I'm going to hell
[deleted]: >I said "Looks like a cheap knockoff,"
That was rude. You already screwed up even if she was healthy and 18. Etiquette FAIL!!!
devals: Seconded. OP, did no one ever teach you anything about gratitude? No matter what the gift or who gave it, stfu and say thank you. Your poor wife. I can only imagine how embarrassed she must have been.
| 3 | 15 | |
1402715858 | 1402868007 | t3_283u0d | t5_2to41 | 29 | aldom: TIFU by helping a moth
Helpless moth floundering by sliding patio doors. Daytime, he's on floor not looking good. I grab a wing, open the door and toss moth gently into air where his wings flap and he becomes airborne for approximately 2.5 seconds when a bird flashed in from nowhere and devoured him in flight
tameasp: Yeah..when you touch their wings you rub off the powder stuff that helps them fly or something so it wouldn't have survived long anyway
Agent_545: Not really. Those are just scales which protect the moth's wing membrane (which is what it actually needs to fly). They shed them naturally all the time. As long as you aren't actively removing as many scales as you can, which it doesn't sound like OP was, it should be fine. This applies to butterflies as well.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1402715730 | 1402830090 | t3_283tu6 | t5_2to41 | 35 | trifiction: TIFU by letting my black girlfriend go through my phone.
I recently started dating a black girl, and as a gesture of good faith, I let her go through my phone, having not considered the content prevalent in the gallery or in text messages. She was in my car while I was at work (shifts differ by about an hour) sifting through every black joke and meme I had ever saved or sent. I may have made matters words when trying to explain, I can't really be sure. She won't talk to me out of any other place than hurt...a place I put her in. I feel like a total heel because we were good friends before we dated, and now she thinks I'm a racist. Perhaps I am...but if there were any single thing I could do to take it back, I would. I have never hurt someone this bad, I should go to Hell.
Thanks for letting me vent , Reddit. Feel free to tear me a new one in the comments...or help if you can.
[deleted]: Just tell her you are color blind and thought you were black all along. You use the pictures in your phone to remember the plight of the black man and make sure you understand the racist white man. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer sort of deal.
Evoraist: Have you ever watched The Jerk?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7why8Xo_RQ&feature=kp
I have loved the movie since I was a kid.
_manoftheyear_: "I was born a poor black child."
One of the best movies ever.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1402716729 | 1402754779 | t3_283v0k | t5_2to41 | 49 | bobsquad: TIFU by blinding myself.
Well, today is Friday the 13th. I am typically not a superstitious person but I felt the need to be positive and polite all day, to not attract bad karma. Whilst cutting my elderly neighbors lawn, which I do every week, a rock came up and hit me in the eye. At first it didn't hurt, and I thanked god for that. Soon as I was done cutting their lawn I started to bitch about how their fucking lawn has rocks and shit all over it and stuff always flys everywhere. Well, I shit you not that not five minutes after complaining I practically lost sight in my left eye. It's been four hours and no improvement. Tomorrow morning if it isn't better I will see a doctor, but for now, I blame my shitty karma for the blindingness.
TL;DR rock flew up and hit my eye, didn't initially hurt, went blind after bitching a complaint later. Karma is to blame, happy Friday the 13th
Edit: my eye is fine now, went to the doctor and got a solution to heal the slight cut on my eye. And I kicked ass in the marathon I ran today.
ScotchforBreakfast: Eye damage can be fixed, but it needs to be seen too immediately.
In what world is losing sight in your eye not an emergency?
No one can be this stupid.
bobsquad: When I woke up this morning my eye was feeling much better. I admit it was stupid to not go to the doctor.
[deleted]: I still think you should go to a doctor in case. A lifetime of vision is more than worth half a day's time or some money, even if it feels wasted.
bobsquad: Agreed. My mom and I are heading to the doctor later on today. I have a marathon to run first! Don't worry I'm wearing sunglasses.
revofire: OP you really don't seem to understand...
bobsquad: My father is a paramedic and looked at my eye. My sight right now is just a little blurry and I will get proper treatment later on.
revofire: Why wait? It could very well be fine... I just. Aren't you scared? Vision and hearing are so freaking amazing and we take it for granted so much. I definitely would try to be SURE everything is all right as soon as I can.
| 8 | 6.125 | |
1402716574 | 1402718810 | t3_283uu4 | t5_2to41 | 26 | matap666: TIFU by laughing at VP of the company I'm working for
I'm a contractor for the IT department of a very, very profitable government branch in the country where I live.
We had a meeting with all the managers and the IT VP (who is a very, very feared man) to discuss why the new system is crashing like every 5 seconds. It was breakfast meeting on a very fancy room with a big ass wooden table, cozy chairs and some coffee and biscuits.
The dude responsible for every bug in the system was supposed to do the presentation, let's call him Marco, was late. So we started talking about some points, but almost every time we said "Yeah, Marco was the one in charge of that". Every time we referred Marco the VP face turned a little more red.
Another round of coffee was ordered, and no sign of Marco yet. When we were discussing some part of the system and named Marco again, the VP lost it, punched the table and yelled "Where the fuck is this Marco?". When he punched the table his fist hit the border of the plate beneat the coffee cup, and it flew into the air, spilling milky coffee on his lap and shirt, making a real mess. A terrible silence engulfed the room. I lowered my sight, I knew I would laugh. I was biting my lips, putting my mind in blank and, I don't know why, I raised my eyes to look at one of my coworkers, a jolly man, all red, sweating, with a grin in his face, trying not to laugh... and I lost it. The snort came first, followed by an uncontrollable nervous and teary laughter that went for like 15 seconds. I was asked, not politely, to step outside. Fuck. I hope that asshole doesn't cancel my contract. But it was funny as hell.
1minuteman: i don't know anyone who wouldn't laugh at this, it takes a real miserable asshole to not see the funny side in these situations.
i find it funny that a bunch of respected people in a business meeting are looking at eachother smirking trying not to laugh
matap666: Well, the buggy system is costing a lot of money to that office, so everyone was really affraid not ot mess up.
aldom: did others laugh or just you?
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1402693531 | 1402735945 | t3_283044 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Will2397: TIFU by almost killing one of my best friends.
As always, this didn't happen today. So my group of friends went out to a local ice cream parlor whose attraction is that you can sit on this big flood wall (like a 12ft concrete wall that wraps my city). So anyway, the wall continues for a little bit and then disappears into the side of a hill. And there was basically this ravine through the hill- some railroad thing. And coming out of the ravine was this concrete monolith (maybe 6ft wide, 8ft long, and it looks about 35ft high) with a bridge out to it. So I suggest we go out onto the monolith. I am the first one and when I step off the bridge and onto the monolith I see that it is hollow and that there isn't a cover over the hole (like on sidewalks when they have those grates, well there was a spot for four grates but only three were there). And it is night time and I can't see the bottom but I announce "there's a hole!" and it echos back so I know it is deep.
So I turn around to walk back and one of my friends goes with me. Meanwhile, my girlfriend R and friend C are still walking over to the monolith. It occurs to me that they hadn't heard my comment about the hole but my brain doesn't make the connection that I need to tell them. Then I just hear a scream and some scraping. And I just shut down and refuse to admit that it just happened. I look and can only see one silhouette and I hope that I was wrong and maybe only one of them walked out there. And then I hear R call "C? C? Where'd you go?" And all I can think is "no no no no no no no! I killed her!"
I take off sprinting. I get over to the hole and I can hear C screaming but her words keep getting cut off. I am just assuming at this point that she fell and shattered her spine and is slipping into unconsciousness. She yells out that she's drowning. So we all grab our phones and shine the light down. The stupid iPhones light won't even reach the bottom. And we keep asking C to talk to us and when she does her voice sounds far off. We ask her if she can see our lights and she stumbles out "no!" So the other guy there J announces "I'm going in after her!" (there was a ladder if you removed two of the other grates.) So I hold up these ridiculously heavy iron grates while he climbs down. About then she announces that she can see our lights but that she has to swim to get to us. J reaches the bottom of the ladder (the EMTs told us later that it was "at least 40-50ft"- the inside was deeper than the structure itself) about the time C swims to where she can see us (or at least the source of our lights). I can't hold the grate up anymore so I go to lay it down and its hinges break, so now it is just resting there with not much keeping it from falling so I have to get in a position to where if it falls I'll still be holding it.
The ambulances don't arrive for like fifteen minutes (or maybe it was two- it felt like a long time anyway) so we just keep yelling that everything will be fine while J holds her. The ambulances come and they run to the bottom of the structure because they tell us that there is a door down there. Turns out there wasn't so they call in some specialised people who take probably over an hour setting up this yellow tripod to raise her. At this point they make us leave but we go and wait in the ER waiting room. Eventually J comes out (apparently they had to give him tetanus shots) and he heads on home with some other friends. Finally (around 1 am) they let me back there to see her. She was in a lot of pain but could still talk and joke with me. Her family left because they could tell I needed to say something to her. And as soon as they left I just started "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! It was my idea and I saw the hole but I didn't think to tell you!" &c. And she was very understanding and didn't blame me but still. Turns out she made it out with just a fractured left ankle and shock. It is a miracle though. It turns out that the hole had all of these concrete ledges that she narrowly avoid smacking on her way down. Then the bottom was full of logs that she shot between. Furthermore, there was less than six feet of water so we think she must have hit at an angle and shot off into the little side tunnel (that was why she couldn't see our lights). Finally, it's amazing she didn't drown because her left leg was useless and the current was rather strong.
Oh and did I mention that she is being tried for trespassing (just her, they let the rest of us off). Which is stupid because there were no signs or anything stopping us; in fact, there was a path from the ice cream place onto the bridge. Which I realise is a bullshit excuse and that we should have known better but still.... Furthermore, the fact that they are only prosecuting the injured one is just downright evil.
TL;DR I suggested we climb onto a monolith, saw a hole but failed to mention it, friend plummeted ~50ft and managed to only fracture a leg
Edit: The police went and took an official measurement and it was 43ft. to the surface of the water.
The coordinates are 38*23'42.62"N and 82*33'18.47"W but you can't really see anything on Google Earth.
As for pictures: http://imgur.com/a/EiwNv
You can see the rescue in action and in the day time photo the gate and signs they put up the next day.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Dude that's insane.
The reason they are prosecuting her for trespassing is to cover their asses so they don't get sued for their death hole. The reasoning being that because it was private property that she wasn't supposed to be on, they can't have been expected to warn her about something like that since they didn't think anyone would trespass. Pretty lame, but it's the way it is.
Will2397: Yeah we got together and looked up the statute for here and the maximum they can do is fine her $100 and that's only if they can prove that the area was marked as private property (which it wasn't but it'll be our word against theirs). We're guessing that as long as she doesn't sue though they'll drop it.
kittysub: Go back to the area and take pictures (obviously don't go onto the structure so YOU aren't trespassing). Get those pictures to the people who matter. Don't let them get away with their bullshit.
| 4 | 4 | |
1402718641 | 1402727128 | t3_283x3i | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my wife one of my Mango Habanero wings, thinking it was Asian Zing.
That's about it really. She's pretty sensitive to really spicy food. Ruined her dinner, and the rest of our night. Now she's been on the toilet for about an hour, and I know that we're low on toilet paper. I'm not sure she's realized that yet. My night is about to get worse.
And because of this, I was down a Mango Habanero wing.
Fuck me, right?
[deleted]: Where did you get those wings? Asian Zing sounds really good! Maybe your wife should try some Pepcid if she accidentally eats something spicy again. It controls the overload of stomach acid.
PoorMrX: Buffalo Wild Wings. :-)
[deleted]: Thanks
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1402719113 | 1402730292 | t3_283xn5 | t5_2to41 | 25 | HopelessSemantic: TIFU by cooking in my underwear.
This actually did happen today, when I was cooking dinner. My son is over at his grandma's tonight, and it's hot here, so I was cooking in just my panties.
So there I was, standing in front of the stove, innocently browning some ground beef, when I suddenly see something move in front of my face very quickly, followed by an intense pain in my left boob.
I shrieked and looked down to see a scorpion scudding away, and I realized what had happened. Scorpions like to crawl along the ceiling, and this one must have fallen right above me, then stung my boob on it's way down. Either that, or it saw a mostly naked lady and decided to take a dive. Could be either one.
TL;DR : Cooking in my underwear, pervy ceiling scorpion attacked my boob.
candidly1: Scorpion??? Where the hell do you live???
HopelessSemantic: Texas. The one's we have aren't really dangerous, but it does hurt like a bitch to get stung, and it can keep hurting for quite a while.
candidly1: Damn. And they crawl on the ceiling? My wife would make me sell the house instantly. I'm impressed you can hang in there; good for you...
HopelessSemantic: Yep. Don't get me wrong, I plan to move out of scorpion territory as soon as possible. I just moved down here because it's where my (now) husband lives.
candidly1: (now)?
Yikes. I am reminded of a lady that used to introduce her husband as her "first" husband. While they were still married.
But then again, you know what? I get it...
HopelessSemantic: LOL, well, I just meant that he's my husband now, but he wasn't when I moved out here. I intend to keep him around.
candidly1: Just kidding; good luck!
HopelessSemantic: Heh, thanks!
| 9 | 2.777778 | |
1402721527 | 1408538466 | t3_2840fw | t5_2to41 | 39 | throwaway23409587: TIFU by using too much lube under a condom.
(Throwaway since a few friends know my main account) My girlfriend and I had planned a bit of a special day for today. We eat dinner, then go to bed and things start to get a bit hot and heavy. I apply some lubrication before rolling on the rubber, and we have sex, and it was amazing. What was *not* amazing, however, was when I reached down to grab the base of the condom. **It was not there to grab!** So I tell her to get off of me, and my cock is as bare as the day I was born. I'm pretty sure it had partially slid off because of all the lube, and then slid completely off with her. So I reach up just barely and pull the whole thing out, but some love juice drips out, and presumably some drips inside of her. She freaks out internally until I tell her everything's fine (which I totally do not know for sure) and that we will go to the drug store and buy some emergency contraception. I look up the best brand that we can get *immediately* and we head out, and she takes the singular pill. Now she feels like crap from the odd dose of hormones, and I feel like crap for fucking up, and we both are sort of freaking out. Here's the kicker, she's very athletic, so she doesn't have a regular period, and hasn't had one since April. So I don't know what to even think right now.
my2penniesworth: How come she's not on birth control pills or using some device? You should each be responsible for your own protection.
note_2_self: She was using a device. It's called a condom. He just used it wrong.
my2penniesworth: I'm referring to female-specific devices such as an IUD, diaphragm, NuvaRing or sponge. Relying *solely on a condom* is not a smart contraception practice if the couple do not want to deal with a pregnancy.
note_2_self: Condoms are 98% percent effective when used properly. Not worth doubling up when you need a condom to prevent stds anyway.
Ashley_Bas10: 98% means ineffective 1 in 50 times, this sounds like the first scare of a young couple, they're probably doing it more than 50 times a day! But seriously why not use the pill and change the chances of failure to (1/50)^2 making it 99.96% effective. It's super easy, simple, and in this case or if there's a snap there isn't a problem.
HighRelevancy: That's 99% effective over a year. As in you can have sex for 100 years and fail once. Statistically.
| 7 | 5.571429 | |
1402716266 | 1402784759 | t3_283ugs | t5_2to41 | 18 | omgfmlforlie: TIFU by telling my phd adviser she's a bad scientist.
Every other week, we're required to write a report to our adviser, detailing major break throughs, major issues/how we solved or plan to solve them, plans for the next two weeks, at least 5 questions we have for her, alternative ideas, at least 3 things we've learned, one paper that we think was great/got something useful out of (just summarizing its results, why it was cool, how we can apply it to our research), and one paper that is not so great (what issues we think it had, how we can avoid them.)
Well, for that last paper I've mentioned, I accidentally submitted one of my adviser's old paper without realizing she was the author. I claimed that her experiments didn't support her hypothesis, but said she published anyway because she was too lazy to do everything right.
She hasn't responded. Ooops.
ScY_: wait a second. she said she published anyway because shes too lazy, but hasnt responded?
makr28: No try to read it again, op is saying that op said the author was lazy.
ScY_: dysclecksia is a hard thing. anyway if she is a bad scientist then she'll get really angry about this... if she isnt, and you are right, then she might even go back and fix it (if it wasnt already fixed or criticised in another article)
PM_me_yourkittens: dyslexia*
ScY_: thatspartofthejoke.tif (we are scientists here after all so we use .tif) :D
| 6 | 3 | |
1402724788 | 1402759927 | t3_2843nf | t5_2to41 | 13 | billsthrowaway25: TIFU by allowing my brother to find my girlfriends nudes.
I tried to upload this but it didn't upload so round 2.
I started using this app that uploads all pictures from my phone and displays them on screen. Great. Well I went out with my friends today for a couple hours and not having locked my computer is where I fucked up. I accidentally left my computer unlocked and my brother decided he wanted to use it. His phone battery was probably dying so he plugged in his phone. He then saw the display of every picture on my phone. Lucky enough for me, there was a naked picture of my girlfriend on my phone at the time so he got to see it. How did I know he saw it? Well upon closer inspection, I noticed that the picture looked a little weird. So I clicked it and up came the picture. A picture taken of my computer monitor with the picture fullscreened. Yup, that's right. He took a picture of a picture of my naked girlfriend.
Panicking like crazy I ran into his room, took his phone while he was sleeping (~1am) and then factory reset it. I didn't have the password so in my panic this was all I could think to do. I then replaced his phone factory reset on the charger and onto his bed.
Now here's where I need some advice.
Do I ask him if he sent the picture to anybody? (Because if he did I am really fucked.)
Or do I pretend that I had nothing to do with the phone factory resetting.
If all reddit does in my 3 years of redditing is help me with this problem I will be entirely content with that.
PS: Yes, my girlfriend and I are over 18 years old.
EDIT:
I asked him who he sent it to. He was laughing when he responded but he assured me he did not send the picture to anybody. He was also not mad that I reset his phone, which I thought was weird, but the only apps he uses are kik and instagram so I can see why it wasn't too big of an issue.
I'm still really worried that he's lying and sent the picture out.
SixxOne8: It's been 9 hours, we need updates OP
billsthrowaway25: I left an edit
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1402731435 | 1402770081 | t3_284975 | t5_2to41 | 2 | nobagsnoswitches: TIFU by not deleting ex's number
I've been talking to my crush for about 1 month straight in school and helped her in class everyday since I was one of the top students and she was well top 10 least likely to pass the class. I've only had 1 girlfriend and I'm also kind of shy but I worked up the courage to talk to her and make lots of eye contact and she didn't seem bothered at all by that she actually engaged eye contact and would start topics aswell so I figured maybe I have a chance with her. I had told her I dated for one year and seven months and that was my only relationship but I have been single for a year already. The last week of school I managed to get the courage to ask for her number and she didn't hesitant one bit, she grabbed my phone and saved her number but told me she can't text but can text on KIK So I said that's fine with me. As soon as she opened KIK I forgot to delete those fake girl spam accounts that send messages about bootycalls or whatever oh well. Later that day I sent her a KIK mesage and only replied twice then the conversations ceased I sent her one message the next day and another the other day but no response and I know she's on because she changed her profile so I thought she must think I'm a perv or something because of the fake spam accounts so I tried to send her a text message maybe out of luck she might respond so as I type her number the first two digits my phone pops up with the name babe that was my ex's obviously. Later that day I found out that she had blocked me on KIK, instagram, and Facebook what a bummer
To make long story short: asked for girls number she gave it to me ex's name pops up after I told her I was single the whole time and on kik fake bootycalls pop up, she ends up blocking me from everything kik instagram facebook.
No I did not proof read, grammer Nazis deal with it, it's the internet
[deleted]: I don't get why your exes name popping up is such a bad thing. People keep numbers all the time, hell on IOS for a long time there was a glitch where you couldn't get deleted numbers to stop appearing in searches.
Could have easily been explained away, the fake profiles and stuff confuse me though are these fake accounts asking you for a booty call? Why the hell did you set that up?
Either way I doubt that was what put her off either.
All we have here my boy is a case of she's just not that into you. Girls give their numbers out like confetti, constantly, in the last 2 years I'd say I've gotten about 500 numbers, fewer than half respond past the first message. It means precisely nothing. The fact she gave it to you (especially since she specified she won't text just kik) means she had no interest but didn't want the confrontation of saying no when you asked. So she gave it to you then ghosted. It'd not rare or uncommon, or even any particular reflection on you.
Let it go and move on.
nobagsnoswitches: Well I don't think it's bad either but I have been saying I was single the whole time lol and the booty calls aste spam accounts they are not mine I get them randomly I never replied though. I'm not dying because I got kind of rejected for my first time by someone I was interested in, and will atleast I dodged a bullet, went in the hell would you instantly block someone from everything when you sit by that person everyday. We had a class together she sits right next to me. I Ignored her the next few days of shool
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1402731280 | 1402802066 | t3_28493w | t5_2to41 | 7 | imanidiot1233: TIFU by charging my iphone
Throwaway. 2 weeks before finals, sitting mid way down the lecture hall (location is slightly important). Happened to be enrolled in the same class as my ex and at this point, enough time has passed for us to be civil and we get along just fine as classmates/friends. During this class, phone is running low on juice and I forgot to bring my charger to school. Ex saves the day, has a USB cable but since I take notes with my ipad, I didn't really have anywhere to charge it from...so into her macbook pro it goes. I go back to taking notes just going about my nerding and this is where all hell basically broke loose. Someone sitting in the row behind me whispers "woah holy shit!", being the oblivious idiot, I quickly look up at the board at what the prof is writing to see what crazy magic he pulled out of his ass. Nothing new really on the board...ex beside me says "uh...wtf?" and turned her laptop to me. I look over and Apple being Apple, decides to be all smart and shit by loading up its Mac photo app...plastering nudes that my CURRENT gf had sent me the night before all across her screen. I quickly reach over shut her laptop screen down, and stupidly look back to assess the damage. All eyes in the immediate area behind me were staring straight at me, not a single person behind me was following the lecture anymore. I turn back and my ex says.."wtf was all that porn on your phone?" Without hesitation, I quickly justify its existence by assuring her it was just my gf's nudes (which in hindsight probably didn't help my situation). I pack my bag to leave asap, unplug my phone and that cursed thing drops one row below me. The seats are lined up in rows and each row is staggered like stairs. Can't reach my phone, can't leave the class. Manage to make enough noise to disrupt the entire class and lecture is now on pause. I don't know how red my face must've been or if it was cause of the noise but my prof asked if I was ok and all I could do was shake my head and stare at my feet. Class resumes and it was basically like being in a hyperbolic time chamber. Class finally ends and I am still slightly shaking from all the embarrassment. Beg my ex not to mention this to anyone but now I live my life in fear of my having my (both) heads ripped off at any given moment, it was pretty dam stupid. A passcode probably would have saved me from this situation and I put one in now. The only problem is it is a constant reminder everytime I punch in my passcode as to why it's there in the first place. I am an idiot.
tl;dr - charged phone on ex's laptop during class. Current gf's nudes appear like an ungodly zerg rush and is displayed on her screen for her and half the class behind me to see. Attempt to leave but drop my phone into an unreachable distance below me - count down the seconds left in an hour when class ends (over a million seconds)
Teotwawki69: And this is why Apple sucks major ass.
lazytiger21: To be fair to apple, it asks you when you plug your iPhone into a computer if you want to trust the computer and if you want to allow it access to your phone for backups. Since this is his ex's computer he probably had allowed it previously so that is what hosed him. If it had just been a random person he would have been fine.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402733521 | 1402765730 | t3_284amt | t5_2to41 | 5 | loveCards: tifu First world injury (is that a thing?)
NotAUniqueName1: Why have both an iPod and an iPhone?
loveCards: One is an old iphone 4, while the one I use is a 5s... It's a first world problem I know....
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402736506 | 1402742867 | t3_284cjs | t5_2to41 | 5 | kev19201080: TIFU by hittings two of my co-workers
Oirammario12345: wat
stupidshamelessUSA: I think OP was trying to say something about flirting with 2 of his female coworkers and it ended badly.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402734446 | 1402752820 | t3_284b8j | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By Buying My Mum Chocolates For Mothers Day [NSFW]
A little bit of background information firstly – For mothers day this year, I bought my Mum a few boxes of chocolates on behalf of my brother, which have lasted quite a while, so much so that we still have chocolates left over.
Moving to present day, the girl that I’m seeing often visits to ‘watch movies,’ which we both joke is to relieve stress. Considering its currently exam time at uni I was in the need for some extra stress relief, so she came around a little bit earlier.
After about 5 minutes of –I have no idea what movie- there is some serious mushroom tip to mouth action occurring, when I start to hear the front door – mum coming home from work. We stay on high alert, just in case she decides to check up on us, however normally mum knows better than to come in if the door is closed.
*a knock* - my friend jumps off me, managing to avoid any damage and we play it cool as if nothing were happening. Fortunately mum took her time opening the door so we were safe from an awkward situation. After some small talk between mum and my friend, she leaves us alone, and I continue getting my stress relief.
*a knock* again, this time with much less time between the knock and the opening of the door. To paint the picture vividly, the door to my bedroom falls about 2 metres from the foot of my bed. This is where my mother stood, chocolates in hand, mid sentence wondering if we wanted any chocolates, while my friend was laying on top of me cock in mouth relieving the fuck out of my stress.
TL;DR – bought mum chocolates for mothers day, same chocolates she offered to my friend while she went to town on me, busted.
Swarlsonegger: Did you atleast explain your mom that it is completely natural to have sex?
SirSpicyWeiner: Shes his mom id assume shed know that
andymog: Can confirm mother is not Mary, nor am I Jesus ;)
HopelessSemantic: Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way. People were about to start repenting in here.
| 5 | 2 | |
1402743339 | 1402834235 | t3_284gvq | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU getting caught by my GFs Dad
Okayyy so my gf asked me to come over for the day as her parents were supposed to be at work all day and she took the day off school, so what does a 16 year old do when you hear this? walk straight out of class and get in your car, thats what...
So I get to her house and we watch a few movies, wolf of wall street and stuff, then all of a sudden we were making out. Things started to progress into foreplay for a while, next thing I knew I was full out banging the chick. It wasn't my first time but it was hers, so she wanted it to be great, which it was until I hear a noise. I stopped and she said it was nothing so I carried on until BAM! her dad bursts in the door yelling 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!'. Must've been an interesting first time for her.
Lets just say her dad doesn't like me much anymore.... hahaha
TL;DR: gfs dad walks in on us having hundy sexci time
Makeithappencapt: Op I want more info what happened did he just stand there why you got dressed? Or what happened we need to know.
darknight9064: Yea we need to know
VIIRUKKT: he like left the room and shut the door, then i got dressed and just left awkwardly haha ;L
syndbg: Should've finished your job like a man then walk out.
But it's alright, there'll be a next time with her.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1402746144 | 1402903895 | t3_284itn | t5_2to41 | 83 | 3LegsVsMany: TIFU by holding my dick during an attempted murder
This just happened, and I'm currently in my bed huddled up in complete fear of my room.
I woke up half an hour ago, groggy from a lack of sleep during the night, needing to take a shower before I leave for my parent's house for Father's Day. I get up finally to go to the bathroom. Now, I live in a dorm-style room off campus, so I have my room which includes a bed, desk, and kitchenette, and a small bathroom with just a toilet and standing shower. It's small, but livable. I'm also in Grad School over the summer.
As I open the door, and open the toilet seat and begin to take my morning piss, out of the corner of my eye I see some movement. I don't have my glasses on, so I freak out, as it starts moving along the wall. A bug. A spider? Either way I must find out and kill it. A spider is no biggie to me anymore. So, mid stream I grab my dick, squeeze, and stop myself from continuing, because I want this thing dead, and it'll take a while before I finish. It could be gone before I'm done.
I open the bathroom door, dick in hand, grab my glasses from my desk and put them on. Then, I see it.. A CENTIPEDE. My LEAST favorite bug, one that I cannot EASILY kill! Fuck! So in my panic, still holding my dick, which is now paining me to want to finish pissing, I attempt to grab toilet paper, but I only grab a pinch because I can only use one hand. THEN THE CENTIPEDE RUNS OUT THE ROOM.
I chase the thing down, but it escapes me, hiding underneath my laptop that's sitting just outside my bathroom. Not knowing what the hell I was doing, I stupidly decide to lift the laptop, and when I see the centipede moving from underneath I panic, scream a little, and let go. Piss everywhere. It comes out for just a second before I wrangled it back into my hand, but it managed to get a few spots on the carpet wet...
I decided to just take my shower then, but everytime I saw anything moving or out of place I panicked and screamed. This morning sucks. When I got out, I even had my slippers on hand and when I put one slipper on, it had a string hanging inside and when I touched it I yelped, thinking it was the centipede. Now, I'm outta here. I'm going to my parent's. I need an adult.
TL;DR: The lifeof the many outlives the life of the few... For now.
Edit: I did clean up the piss, but I was paranoid the entire time I was on the floor doing so. Still no sign of the centipede...
Rutger_Meower: I'm dying.
3LegsVsMany: Please be the centipede... please be the centipede... I'm scared to go back into the room...
ProblemPie: So... you're talking about, like, an *African* centipede, right? Because the centipedes I've dealt with are tiny little bitches.
shakaspeare: millipedes?
ProblemPie: [nah, mate](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v350/Ice_Cold_Milk/Africa%202008/Scolopendra_sp_1_2.jpg)
shakaspeare: motherfuck! they're not tiny little bitches!
ProblemPie: That is definitely not a centipede that I have *ever* seen around the house. I don't know where it's indigenous to, but it's the African Giant Blue centipede, so there's that.
The worst I've ever seen in twenty one years of dealing with disgusting Tennessee wildlife are silverfish, which are more gross than anything.
| 8 | 10.375 | |
1402746891 | 1403027592 | t3_284jdu | t5_2to41 | 4 | AccidentalIncest: TIFU massively by ejaculating on my sister.
I know a lot of you won't believe this but I can't fucking believe this happened.
It was 3am in the morning and my dad just went to work and I was still awake. I decided that it would be a great time to masturbate. Big. Fucking. Mistake. I opened my favourite Porn site(XVideos) and started going at it and when it was time to y'know ejaculate I decided that since I was home alone I would run to the toilet and just quickly get rid of it if you know what i mean. Anyway's a lot of you can probably guessed what happen next...I forgot that my sister was sleeping my Dads and I walked into the bathroom and waddled up to the toilet and started to cum and the fucking moment I did that...I will never forget this. My sister was sat on the toilet and I had started to ejaculate on her...
I just told her it was a mistake and that I am sorry and begged her not to tell anyone. I just hope she doesn't
TL:DR Masturbated in the middle of the night and ejaculated on sister when I went to finish in the toilet.
Rutger_Meower: Totally thought that said she was sleeping with your dad which would be doubly awkward. I need better glasses.
razortipwhip: that would be a really good tv show
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402747407 | 1402752087 | t3_284js7 | t5_2to41 | 31 | HPObsessed: TIFU by almost losing a kid I was babysitting
Today I almost had one of my biggest fuck ups in my babysitting history. I thought I lost a kid. I was feeding a 1 year old and a 3 old dinner and the 3 yr old finished first and wanted to go to the playroom, I told her okay and then about 5 minutes later I head to the playroom with the 1 yr old, only she's not there. I check the bedrooms only she's not there either. I start calling her name as I search every room growing frantic as I continue to get no response. At this point I have checked and rechecked the entire house and the front and back yard and I still can't find her so I'm getting kinda scared, and I'm considering all the dastardly possibilities that all end badly. I go back to the playroom in total freak out mode and that's when I spot a touch of pink behind a pillow on the couch, I look closer and see a curled up 3 yr old sound asleep. Tl;dr - thought I lost a kid, turns out she fell asleep behind a pillow. http://imgur.com/N7juMDC
[deleted]: This is why I ain't gonna have children until I'm 29.
HopelessSemantic: Trust me, they're a handful at any age. Don't wait too long, or you won't have the energy to keep up with them.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1402731981 | 1402770923 | t3_2849kj | t5_2to41 | 60 | dykemaster: [TIFU] By Listening to Porn with my Grandparents.
My grandparents arrived at dawn this morning, because lets face it, old people love mornings, me being in my early 20's, despise getting up early like a fully functioning human being.
I woke up to mammy and pappy banging on my door begging to go to breakfast at the local diner. I suddenly rise out of bed to see my morning member is at fucking full attention. I do an amazing tuck that only preteen and church boner me could truly appreciate. I give an awkward, "ass out" hug and tell them to allow me to shower real quick before we head out.
I scurry to the bathroom and think to myself midway, "better grab my phone" for the pre-shower dump. I'm browsing, I'm shitting, I'm tweeting, and what have you and come across a tweet from one of the greatest porn stars, Miss Lisa Ann. Now, at this very moment, I think to myself, Hey, dykemaster, whats an extra 10 minutes going to hurt for my grandparents waiting time, I've got this stellar lap hog that needs some attention right now, so that it doesn't distract me all god damned day. So I bust out some MILF Lisa Ann quality porn, and go to town.
I get out the shower refreshed, post jack-off, and my grandparents are waiting for me right as expected. I grab my phone, wallet, and keys and head out the door thinking "it's going to be a great day". My grandparents get into my brand new 2014 Carolla, and shortly after starting the engine, I hear from the speakers, "AHH YEAH BABY, FUCK MY PUSSY LIKE THAT DONT STOP!"-Lisa Ann. Accompanied by the notorious sound of the slapping of skin between two bodies, in very 'dick in vagina' fashion. Forgetting my new vehicle had Bluetooth capabilities, the last thing being played on my phone was mid-porn Lisa Ann penetration. The words really don't come to you well when you're, 'caught in the act' so to speak and you just mutter some bullshit like, "Damn, radio these days, they'll play whatever over the air just to get listeners". While each of us in the vehicle knowing good and well that-that was a lie. Breakfast was awkward for everyone. No one ordered the sausage.
TL;DR Watched porn before breakfast, forgot to close out of it, ended up playing audibly over bluetooth in my car for my grandparents to hear explicit details of body on body action.
Edit: words
dancingmrt: > No one ordered the sausage.
...during breakfast.
dykemaster: Sausage links.
Edit: Im stoopid
dancingmrt: Of course. I'm saying g-ma ordered a big helping of sausage after breakfast.
dykemaster: Haha oh well I hope not, they'd probably break something.
| 5 | 12 | |
1402757856 | 1402860857 | t3_284twu | t5_2to41 | 80 | Bilbz-Oner: TIFU by unintentionally making fun of somebody with Down Syndrome in public
So I had one of the most embarrassing days of my life.
It starts off with me at the shopping mall, just trying to kill some time. As I'm walking to get some sushi, I see one of my friends coming in the other direction. I haven't seen this friend for a long time but, instead of stopping and saying hello like most people would do, I was intent on my sushi and simply make a stupid face at them.
They respond in the same way with an even stupider face. At this point, I stop being aware of my public surroundings as I prepare for the derpiest looking face that I can muster.
I let loose my best derp face and as I do, I realize that my friend is standing next to not one, not two, but three people with Down Syndrome. They're looking directly at me; one's giggling hysterically whilst the other two simply point at me.
Their carers look at me with horror and as they do, other people begin to look at me as well. It is at this point that realize that I am still pulling the 'face' and, even worse, it very closely resembles down syndrome.
I am paralyzed with shock and horror over what I've unintentionally done and as I stand there I here somebody, one of the onlookers, mutter, and I quote, 'What a monster'.
I abandoned my sushi trip and walked in the opposite direction as fast as I could.
I won't be going back there anytime soon.
This is, I shit you not, how it all happened. I'm not trying to make fun of people with special needs. Neither should anybody else.
Last_of_the_Knights: Dude last night I was shitfaced at a bar, but holding it together pretty well (I thought). A dude staggered past me towards the door - like, barely keeping his balance - so try to help him out I yelled at my friends who were blocking it, "MAKE A HOLE THERE'S A DRUNK DUDE TRYING TO GET THROUGH!"
He turned around and said, "I'm not drunk...." - and indeed he wasn't. He DID very obviously have cerebral palsy.
And as the realization dawned on me, I said, "........Oh. Fuck. Me. *SIDEWAYS*...."
I apologized to him later on and bought him a drink but....I am definitely going to hell for that
Agent_545: Oh come on.
Last_of_the_Knights: I feel terrible. He was a trooper just for going out, knowing he'd have to deal with some brand of asshole at some point....hat's off to that dude
Agent_545: No I meant oh come on, you can't really be blamed for that. You were at a bar (where visibility isn't usually great), it was reasonable to assume he was drunk, especially given you were probably not thinking too clearly.
You apologized and bought him a drink in any case, it should be okay.
Last_of_the_Knights: Oh gotcha. Thanks
| 6 | 13.333333 | |
1402757076 | 1402873881 | t3_284t05 | t5_2to41 | 181 | cat_problems: TIFU by helping my elderly friend pick up groceries
I work at a grocery store, and I have an elderly Yugoslavian friend who shops there. He doesn't speak very much English, so he taught me a couple Serbo-Croatian phrases, and now I can help him grocery shop - he's a neat guy, it's fun for both of us.
I run into him in the bathroom and say hello, and he asks me to help him pick some things up. Sure! No problem. I tell him to hang on one minute while I finish up and he says, "Okay. I will wait here." I realize after a second of standing there that he means he'll wait right there, standing behind me while I'm at the urinal.
Now, my friend likes soup. And he's recently discovered that he particularly likes Campbell's Chunky beef and vegetable soup. And he's is also very polite about money and always gives me enough to cover the bill before we start shopping. So, like he usually does, he starts going through his wallet and listing off the groceries he wants. And as I'm realizing what he's about to get to, my manager walks in to my friend standing behind me while I'm at the urinal; he's got his wallet open and is saying, "Chunky. Very good Chunky."
Explanations to the manager would only make it worse. Probably just never going to mention it.
sigk: A Serbian Film Volume II
AbacusAndStoneTablet: Oh god, please no.
oblom07: Milosh is back from the dead. Beware zombie Milosh!
| 4 | 45.25 | |
1402761931 | 1402766479 | t3_284z1m | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU: I got slapped by three girls I slept with on the same day, then by the girl I've wanted to date for 3 years as she left to sleep with someone else to spite me.
The summer of grade 12 was a "slutty" time for me. Without much back story on me and not to sound cocky.. I am a good looking kid, and a master persuader.
The day:
Lunch hour- Girl #1 asks me to hang out at lunch.. We go back to her parents place and have sex.
3:30- get home from school and shower because I know I have a party to attend that night.
4:00- ex Gf i just broke up with needed a ride into the city, upon picking her up we started talking, then had sex.
6:30- got home and had to shower again.
9:30 rolls around- head to the part early to hang out with a few of my closer friends before the place turns into a shit show.
10:30 - Girl #3 arrives and we begin chatting. Girl #1 is also at the party and is being ridiculously clingy, and being the asshole I am, told her to fuck off in a sense.....
12:30 - things are dying down, decide to take girl #3 home, get a a BJ and go to bed.
A few weeks later after spending some time with this new girl and being a "couple" we went out to another party.
ALL THREE GIRLS were there, in various parts of the house. Things are good, things are fine...
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I notice girl #1 and girl #3 talking. They both realize they both hooked up with me and walk over, slap me, and leave.
At this point my current girlfriend didn't see the slap so I figured I was home free.
Then I notice Girl #2 chatting with my Gf... she leaned in as if telling a secret, then I saw my girlfriend stare directly at me.
Girl #2 was saying "I did something a while ago, I went home with Mike from a party"
They both walked over and slapped me. My now "ex" began drinking heavily, dancing with everyone, and at some point without me seeing, left with another guy who she ended up sleeping with.
Good fight me.
Edit: Welp. They all got talking about their awful night, and now ALL of them know that they ALL were with me, and think I am a scumbag. They are no longer really my "friends" and it gave me a pretty bad rep so far :S
TL;DR - Slept around, they all found out, they all slapped me, and my current Gf at the time went home and fucked another guy.
Makeithappencapt: But on the bright side your ex and girl #2 dont know about #1 and #3, so you got that going for you which is nice.
mtashed: Incorrect they all know now lol.
I am not in contact with anyone haha. I'll add this as an edit
Makeithappencapt: Sorry Pal, from this point though man as a piece of advice never bring any girls around any of those four again. Otherwise the same thing is gonna happen again and again.
mtashed: Yea I might need to branch out into a new community haha. 30,000 people in my city and the girls are now limited.
Makeithappencapt: I know I went thru a similar situation. I thought it would be a good idea to fuck multiple girls from my work, to be fair I worked at Best Buy at the time so it was a pretty big store about 25-30 girls working there. I managed to get 3 of them to sleep with me without any of them finding out and kinda all becoming FWB, where I fucked up was I had a party at my house and everyone from work came because I left it as an open invitation. Unfortunatley as the party started to die down all 3 of them were kind of straggling to leave without me realizing since I was so drunk because they each wanted to stay the night. Long story short. They all found out and I lost 3 girls in one night and my chances with the rest of the girls in the store.
mtashed: NOOOOOOOOOOO that is so tragic haha.
You literally lost them because they all wanted seconds... you could have been a martyr to us.
sorry for your loss
- Mike
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1402761886 | 1402769776 | t3_284yzo | t5_2to41 | 7 | enjoithelrg: Tifu by getting charged for open liquor
I was with my friends having a good time drinking a few beers and I walked over to the bathroom and the conservation officers stopped me to pour it and I had a sip before I poured it and they charged me for 670 dollars. I'm a broke highschool student, how am I suppose to pay this off?
Seekandinspire: I'm gonna just say... you're an idiot for taking a sip. But, as I was there not to long ago, I can't judge as I probably would've done the same thing. But as for paying it? Work your ass off, bud. Mow lawns, apply for fast food restaurants, get a job, and never do that again.
enjoithelrg: Yeah I'm embarrassed. I feel so stupid, wow.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402763621 | 1402882539 | t3_28517f | t5_2to41 | 39 | brookecapulet: TIFU by running late for work
I woke up late for work yesterday, did a quick body wash, tied my hair up into a bun, put on mascara, brushed my teeth, and ran out the door. I figured that my office is pretty casual, and it was Friday, so I could get away with looking like crap for one day. I usually go to a lot more effort to look nice, but one day of looking like crap wouldn't hurt.
The day went relatively well. I avoided all mirrors, and most people were kind enough not to ask me if I was sick or tired. And then I go to leave work. Who is standing outside my office? My boyfriend. With a dozen roses. Looking handsome in his freshly ironed shirt and slacks.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, shuffling my purse, lunch box, and keys so that I could take the gorgeous bouquet from him.
"Well, it's the anniversary of the day we met, so I figured I would take you out" he replied. I suddenly became incredibly aware of my appearance. I never, ever leave the house without makeup, but my skin has been acting up due to stress from work, so I figured I'd give it a day to breathe. I look down at my jeans, shirt, and flip flops and suddenly remember my gross topknot that I call hair. Shit. I definitely need to go home to shower and primp.
"Babe, you are so sweet! I was not expecting this at all!" I replied, both dazzled by him and horrified by my appearance.
"Well," he replied, "a year ago you walked into my work and asked me a hundred questions. All of which made me fall madly in love with you. So, I figured I'd come to your work and ask you one: will you marry me?"
All reason left my head. I could not comprehend what was happening. I was still holding my lunchbox.
"Are you fucking with me?" I asked, surprising us both. I was not expecting this. I knew that we had talked about looking at rings, but that was planned for a future date. I thought maybe a proposal would happen in September when we went on a cruise together. I was not expecting a proposal on June 13th: the one day I go to work looking a mess. I truly thought he was just joking with me.
He started to laugh as he dropped to one knee and pulled out a ring. "I love you" he said while chuckling. "Marry me."
Tldr: the day you look like shit is the day you get engaged, which will forever be immortalized through pictures. Also, the correct response to "will you marry me" is not "are you fucking with me".
bespindeathspin: I said the same thing when my SO proposed! Congrats!
get-it-gone: Same. Well, I said "are you fucking shitting me?" Glad I'm not the only crass lady around! I said it enough times while trying to figure out what was going on that he finally asked, "so that's a yes, then?"
brookecapulet: No one ever portrays a proposal as it really is: confusing as hell! I just could not process that it was happening.
get-it-gone: I totally agree! I am not the kind of person who imagined what my proposal or wedding would be like someday. So when the day came that the idea was suddenly and surprisingly sprung on me, I was so overwhelmed. Same with the wedding planning and all that (I am so not a girly girl *or* a planner). My husband and I had been together 5 years at that point, but I still was not prepared. I think for this reason, there is definitely something to be said for the private proposal instead of big public spectacles that some people do. I'm sure there are people who love it, but I would not have been able to handle it! Our proposal was so low key, relaxed and out of nowhere, but I still kind of shut down mentally. I really did not expect it, and I love him so much and the ring was so beautiful because *he* picked it out and it was just completely overwhelming. My sister made fun of me for it in her speech at the reception, but I still wouldn't change it for the world. As silly and as dumb as it might sound to some people, it's our story and that is reason enough for me to love it. I think this is the reality of surprise proposals more often than not. It's still cute to see people freaking out about planning the perfect proposal, though. I love that shit (now, haha). If only they knew what will probably happen!!!
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1402762213 | 1402964769 | t3_284zdz | t5_2to41 | 14 | aldom: TIFU by setting my tray of jail breakfast on the floor at my feet
Years ago, but anyway. A Friday night, arrested for driving while impaired and placed in a holding cell. SRO. I occupied a spot on the steel bench in the corner next to the block wall. One fellow detainee spoke loud of how he'd been in and out of prison system for years, that he murdered his first wife and his second wife was right outside trying to bail him out and he would, "kill that bitch too."
Fast forward to approx. 5 am when breakfast was served. I nibbled on scrambled eggs and toast, the coffee in the Styrofoam cup was scalding hot and tar black, I didn't drink, set tray w/coffee on floor at my feet.
After he finished his breakfast, Wife Killer evidently decided I would be a good cellie to strike up a post breakfast conversation with. He waddled his fat ass toward me and without looking plopped down onto the breakfast tray, crushing the Styrofoam cup and injecting the scalding hot coffee into his asshole. Wife Killer leapt into the air, rubbed said asshole while "oohing" in pain and parading around cell.
Wife Killer returned to his spot at the far corner away from me, placed his head in his hands and dejectedly announced, "I guess I'm the clown of this cell."
IvanCherrywood: Damn dude! For me the most surprising part of the story is you got coffee in jail. When I was in jail for the same crime all I got was crappy donuts and orange juice.
aldom: Been over ten years ago. I'm sure things have changed.
TickleShitsMcgee: I thought your FU was two years ago?
aldom: why
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1402765570 | 1402942968 | t3_2853rr | t5_2to41 | 2,199 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on r/gonewild
So a little back story, me and my girlfriend of six months are going through a hard time with her working full time and me having no free time. Now, back to today. I wake up with excessive morning wood, so I decided to have a morning fap. I enter the bathroom and browse through gonewild. Now this is where I shit myself. I see a pair of really perky tits and I'm like damn! I open the post and for some reason these tits start looking really familiar (hers are pierced) then, I keep scrolling. It's definitely my girlfriends body, and in the half face picture it looks like her. The pictures were taken in 3rd person. By someone else. Who's not me. I didn't even finish, and I have this pit in my stomach that won't go away.
Tl;dr: Went to fap, pics of girlfriend on gonewild taken by someone else.
Edit: Those of you who wanted a follow up, I still haven't talked to her about it, I saw her once yesterday but not for long enough to bring this up, it won't be long though hopefully.
Edit: Well, timer or girlfriends or whatever, she admitted to seeing someone else. She apologized, but I'm not quite sure how I feel. Love sucks, redditors, especially one sided love. Take care, all.
Last edit: Well I had dinner with her today and our relationship may be repairable with some work and communication. Thank you redditors who seemed to care, and to those who just wanted to troll and be negative tbh I don't care about the karma, I just needed someone to talk to at the time. Take care, you guys.
st3v30kin3v0: Camera timer?
Not_MI6: You have the right idea. Op is probably thinking the worst.
myprettypanties: I use my timer to take pictures for GWC all the time. It's entirely possible and reasonable to think she could have too.
tundra1desert2: TIL Chicks have a bro code too.
[deleted]: The ho-code.
piercedbbw: My girl friends and I call it the Sister System.
Audrin: I like ho-code better.
AddictQq: And it's really not sexist at all.
keltor2243: The guy system is called the bro-code and really bro is NOT a compliment.
[deleted]: The bro code is a myth.
It's actually just called the "don't be a dick" code and it applies to *everybody*.
Nobody gets preferential treatment in my books.
keltor2243: That's the code I follow and yes - everyone gets equal treatment.
I was simply addressing ho vs bro, they are SUPPOSED to be derogatory. :)
| 12 | 183.25 | |
1402765596 | 1402814109 | t3_2853sp | t5_2to41 | 230 | theolredditjerkaroo: TIFU by infesting my sink with maggots.
I came home with a subtle rotten smell coming somewhere from my apartment. I threw all the garbage and wash my clothes but the smell still lingers somewhere... So i tracked the smell and it was inside my kitchen. I cleaned up the stoves and cabinets and then i wash my hand when,
HUNDREDS FUCKING MAGGOTS POURED OUT OF THE FUCKING SINK LIKE FUCKING HORROR MOVIE AND IT SMELLS LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT.
I noped the fuck out and google how to kill those motherfucker quickly. HOLY SHIT the smell is fucking hell. I opened all the windows and hold my gags all the time. I brave myself and sprayed my entire apartment with whatever air freshener and perfumes i can find. Then i dunk bleach, boiled water and whatever chemical stuff i found. The most disgusting mix of shit is filling my sink. Slowly the water is coming down bit by bit but the gooey leftover dead maggots still strained on my sink. I pick the shittiest bucket and scoop them and put them inside the garbage bag and throw that shit out outside.
Then i called an exterminator guy and he says that those things might be caused by clogged food inside the drain. I know what the goddamn cause was. I was drunk few days ago and vomit chunks of food to the drain and forced it go down the drain by stabbing it with chopstick.
I'm tired and feeling like a fucking idiot. A few hours later i posted this stuff to reddit
[deleted]: Maybe there were maggots before you threw them up...in you
eezle: So this just happened to my sisters friend and I have to tell someone. She got drunk and had a one night stand with some asshole she met in a bar. She starts having pain in her cheek and goes to the doctor. The doctor politely asks if she's into necrophilia which she said she wasn't. Turns out there were maggots in her cheek. She starts looking into the dude she slept with, turns out his parents own a morgue. She is absolutely horrified and flipping her shit.
EDIT:since people are downvoting me I'll clear this up. This isn't just a story my sister told me. Her friend is here right now having a breakdown and screaming and crying and flipping the fuck out. Not just that she's been complaining for about a week about her cheek hurting.
VexingRaven: So... How did they get there? Did they come off the dude's dick??
eezle: yeah, she said she gave the dude a BJ in his car on the ride to his place, then she banged him.
[deleted]: Classic your sisters friend
eezle: I wish it was me so I could get some fucking sleep, but no my sister is consoling her crying screaming friend in the living room. At least she swears she'll never have sex with a stranger so she has that going for her.
| 7 | 32.857143 | |
1402762584 | 1402812628 | t3_284zur | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by pressing Ctrl+V.
Today, I had prepared a piece of text for a girl(Proofread a part of her essay). But she hadn't logged onto Facebook yet, so I Ctrl+C-ed the excerpt, and waited for her to message me.
While waiting, I was using snipping tool(Saves a part of screen as image) to collect pictures of... pornographic nature.
Then the girl messages me, so I go onto Facebook. I press Ctrl+V.
Didn't even need to press enter. Before I knew it, I had sent an image to the girl.
Turns out that when I was using snipping tool, I accidentally pressed 'Copy', right next to 'Save image' button. So when I tried to message a part of an essay, I messaged a porn picture instead.
And, naturally, the essay excerpt that was deleted from my clipboard, and being the lazy person I am, I closed the word document and pressed 'Don't save' after copying. So I had to awkwardly tell her that I will have to read and edit again.
She took it well and joked about it, but I'm never going to live this down...
VexingRaven: Er... Why were you using snipping tool for that?
[deleted]: I was on an Asian website that disabled me from right-clicking and hence pressing 'save image' :(
VexingRaven: Option A) DownThemAll addon for Firefox lets you download everything on a page, among other useful things.
Option B) Tools > Page Source > Copy URL of the picture you want and paste it into your browser.
Option C) Click and drag the image
Option D) Disable Javascript
You're welcome.
Baconaise: Better there are tools which bypass right click blockers.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1402766898 | 1402824678 | t3_2855kx | t5_2to41 | 505 | [deleted]: TIFU by staying at my girlfriends the wrong night
Okay, so this one is a little depressing but, last night there was heavy traffic up where I live and me and my girlfriend went and got tattoos and I decided I didn't want to go through the traffic because I'm lazy.
So we went to my girlfriends house.
We walk in and her older brother J and his bestfriend D were standing there. Now D is a big, big guy and he eats really bad and smokes and drinks.
So this is where I fucked up...it's really early and my girlfriend is trying to wake me up and I am NOT a morning person so I'm yelling at her to leave me alone so I can sleep a little longer and that it's too early.
Apparently last night her brothers friend had went into cardiac arrest on her couch and was found dead.
She was trying to wake me up cause they found out and were hysterical and I had to be a dick and yell at her because I didn't feel like waking up.
TL;DR I yelled at my girlfriend when someone died in the house this morning
EDIT: I typed this fast in a rush sorry for the spelling errors and the bad grammar. When someone dies in the other room my first concern wasn't "lets proofread this Reddit post!"
Furthermore I didn't scream at her or throw things but I basically yelled "can you just leave me alone for a while so I can sleep a little more" because she didn't come to me and say "someone is dead" she just said "wake up" and "get up"
I apologized and she and her family said they're sorry too just that emotions have been running wild today because of this.
pmpdaddy123: You're a dick for not seeing the future bro, fuck you.
tossin: That may be sarcasm, but he was a dick for yelling at his girlfriend in the first place. Not being a morning person isn't really a good excuse (and to OP's credit, he's not using it as one).
WittyOriginalName: Bah people aren't in their right minds when they wake up. Yelling at someone to not wake you up on the weekend is a perfectly valid thing to do
tossin: Sure, if some asshole regularly wakes you up on the weekend, at some point you'll get understandably pissed off and yell at them. This is not some asshole though, this is his girlfriend, and (I'm assuming) this isn't a regular occurrence. What if we look into the future and it's his children waking him up in the middle of night for whatever reason? Is it "valid" to yell at them too?
As a one time thing, it's not a big deal, but I think it's just good practice to avoid yelling at people, in case, well...exactly what happened in this topic.
VideoStoreWhore: Obviously you have never been close enough with someone to deal with each other's shit.
tossin: Like I said, it's not a big deal...but why yell when you don't have to?
VideoStoreWhore: Because you were just sleeping? I purposely avoid people until I have been awake for a good half hour otherwise the conversations are very uncivil.
| 8 | 63.125 | |
1402772078 | 1402798678 | t3_285ct3 | t5_2to41 | 75 | calvinballMVP: TIFU by not taking my sunglasses off when entering a building.
Happened yesterday actually but whatever. I work at a small golf course and do a lot of mowing, tree trimming, weedeating, ETC. Because of the nature of the work I wear safety sunglasses. After finish trimming up some grass I decided I've earned a nice tall cup of water so I proceed to the clubhouse.
The clubhouse attendants are two younger-than-me single mom's that are prone to cracking jokes about my currently nonexistent romantic life and lack of luck with women as of late. For the sake of clarity call them F and M. They are pretty cool to joke around with and I often stumble into their conversations about love lives as we are all in the dating game and get asked my opinion about whoever they been seeing lately when I go take a water break. They are really nice and a lot of fun so I decided that I would try to beat them to the punch with something cheeky because it would be good for a laugh coming from me.
F has really dark hair and M has blond hair.
This is important because the bar where they get the water has, imagine this, bar lighting. So I go into the clubhouse with grass obscuring my already shitty visibility from not taking off my sunglasses and walk around the corner to the bar. There I see two clubhouse attendants one blond the other real dark hair who I assume to be F and M, and mockingly accuse them in my best Southern county sheriff accent that "It smells like sex in here."
M starts a slow but building laugh as I turn to F who just kinda stares at me like I have a second head growing out my shoulder. At that moment I removed my sunglasses to see that F was really G, our brand new, first day, bartender. Literally just starting her first day of work unbeknownst to me. M breaks into howls of laughter and yells for F to come here and listen to what calvinballMVP just said and then relays the story. They erupt into a mess of giggling about my introduction while I apologized for saying that to her. The rest of the day whenever they saw me the first thing out of their mouths was "Smells like sex in here, durr" followed by waves of laughter. It's going to be a long summer.
ReportingAProblem: Sounds like a highly unprofessional work environment.
CheeseAddiction: Indeed. Now, where do I apply?
| 3 | 25 | |
1402781849 | 1402782181 | t3_285pq0 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Sir_Dude: TIFU with Nair (mildly NSFW).
*Disclaimer*: This TIFU actually occurred 3 days ago, but I only just though to post it.
Let me preface this story by saying I am a somewhat hairy guy (German ancestry). I do try to keep it under control, though.
So, last week, my GF and I were goofing around and she mentioned it might be sexy if I removed my chest hair. Now, I'm no stranger to manscaping, I regularly trim the hair out of my armpits, crotch, and asscrack because its more comfortable (and make wiping and deodorant-ing easier) so I decided to give it a go with my trimmer first to see how it looks, ol' Chewbacca has never had a haircut and I wasn't quite sure what to expect.
After trimming, I though it looked pretty good. My GF liked it initially, but said it felt like she was touching a cactus. Oh well, maybe I'll try waxing, I suggested to her. But then she mentioned something called "Nair."
I heard of Nair before and meant to try it, but somehow never got around to buying any. I though maybe I could try a dry run on my new cactus-chest before applying to the more sensitive bits. Boy am I glad I did that!
So I first put the nair on my wrist to see if it actually worked. It did, so then I just took a big gob of it and rubbed it all over my chest. Clavicle to abdomen.
Fuck. Shit. Jesus. (Goodkat: "'Fuck shit jesus' is right."). The only way I can describe the experience of applying Nair is: It's like rubbing Satan's Jizz onto your chest." Smells awful and burns like a white boy's asshole after a night eating habanero peppers and tequila in Mexico (have experienced this too, but minus the tequila and Mexico.)
That was Wednesday.
Today is Saturday.
For the past three days, my chest has felt like the victim of a severe sunburn (Sunburn level: "White boy got drunk and fell asleep on the beach".)
I had/have painful scabs all over my chest in the spots where I used too much/rubbed it in too hard/left it on too long. My nipples hurt every time my shirt touches them, when I'm not wearing a shirt, they hurt whenever a light breeze hits them. If I try to shower, the water makes them feel like burning.
Mildly NSFW images from moments ago: http://imgur.com/ACBqYHG http://imgur.com/2RLqfY9 http://imgur.com/mEU11q8
Did I mention my GF thinks this is hilarious?
Tl;dr: Tried to be sexy, got chemical burns.
Tesoro816: God how long did you leave it on?!?!?!
And it says in the directions no to put it on your nipples...
Sir_Dude: Directions said no more than 10 minutes and that thick hair needs more time. I went with 10 minutes.
Edit: and I didn't see anything about nipples.
| 3 | 4 | |
1402782433 | 1402786550 | t3_285qjg | t5_2to41 | 15 | aj3x: TIFU by telling a customer to be careful.
So today at work I was serving up hot dogs for customers, and for some reason the dog I was gonna give someone was really hot, naturally as I was handing the customer the hot dog I felt I had to warn him. How did I go about this? Well. For some god awful reason, **I looked him dead in the eye** with a stare fit for the devil himself and said-
>**Watch yourself.**
[deleted]: Why did you do it like that?
aj3x: Who even knows, it just came out bad, he probably thought I messed with his food or something.
| 3 | 5 | |
1402783670 | 1402867426 | t3_285s39 | t5_2to41 | 8 | uncle_berban: TIFU by caring too much.
Up until tonight, I was in a happy start of a relationship with a girl I met through work. We hit it off from the start, and began to talk about the possibility of a relationship between the two of us. She was scared of me using her for sex (which had/has never crossed my mind) and not caring enough about her. Making it abundantly clear that my intentions were truthful, we made plans for a first date.
The date, all in all, went well. Watched movies, laughed, talked, made out a little. That was a week ago today, and at the time, I felt like the luckiest guy in the world, using the right words to make sure I wasn't coming on too strong but playing it nicely.
Today, I noticed something was off, she wasn't her usual happy self. I tried to inquire what was wrong, but she told me she'd tell me later. Apparently, she believes she's been leading me on, and that I care TOO much, something that she asked me to be sure of before we'd even started going out. At the end of a rather poor explanation of her actions, she told me she wanted to break up.
So, back to now, I've explained my actions and reasoning, we've agreed what to tell other people who ask what happened and we have broken up.
That's my fuck up reddit, not your usual one no doubt, but still a fuck up on my part nonetheless it seems.
**TL;DR Girl asked if I cared enough, turns out I cared too much**
JBMPB: http://imgur.com/MlYqO2y here... made this for you
devals: This is hilarious.. how can they be "Mr. Right" if you're not sexually attracted to them?
Lol thanks God, kinda left out a pretty important part of the package there, but, y'know, 'preciate it..
JBMPB: that was altered version of a "friendzone" meme, the original was hilarious n more dead on i couldnt find it tho, i made that one for the OP to be supportive. the point is especially in high school girls seldom like the type of guy they claim they want... what i mean is: a supportive guy is claimed to be desirable but generally is interpereted as submissive which turns them off as its perceived as a lack of confidence which is undesirable, yet being confident and assertive by its very nature has an element of being non receptive of the others needs or feelings. this makes a sort of paradox for young nice single guys, "if im nice she ll dump or ignore me, but if im more assertive ill be somewhat chauvinistic but at least ill be considered desirable" ... it takes experience to find a healthy balance. im really not interested in a battle of the genders here people im just being supportive to the OP if you wanna hate on mens point of view theres a whole thread for that its call r/xxchromosomes just go there
| 4 | 2 | |
1402798705 | 1402868588 | t3_285qt8 | t5_2to41 | 27 | JBMPB: rofl
JBMPB: downvoted for rofling that? what are you Amish? whoever downvoted. you, are a prude sandwich
SprayAndPlay: Upvoted. Got you covered bro.
JBMPB: thank you kind non prude sandwich friend , upvote returned in kind :)
3pick3raser: Trying to upvote everyone here, some d-bag keeps on downvoting you guys.
JBMPB: i kno right wtf is that lol? thank you kind sir
kesuaus: So I just upvoted this whole little conversation
3pick3raser: This is turning into the case of the "Mysterious Downvoter"
kesuaus: wait a second all thesse coments had like 5 upvotes a minute ago . Whos gonna solve this case ?
JBMPB: i kno right? i put an rofl at the bottom of the thread too and now that ones getting downvoted. wtf. lol. no wait. "rofl" ... *waits to catch mysterious rofl hating downvoter* *looks side to side squinting angrily*
| 10 | 2.7 | |
1402785058 | 1402879152 | t3_285ttc | t5_2to41 | 892 | bluenosebob: TIFU by watching my brother get a bj
He let me use his ipod and of course I checked some pics. Turns out one of the first was a vid of his gf deepthroating. Even worse, it was kinda hot. Pretty fucking confused and disappointed in myself right now.
ALLOWEDTOTYPEINCAPS3: Normal high-functioning adults still use ipods? Awesome ive been wanting one.
Anhanguera: Why would you assume a person who records sex with SO and keeps it easily accessible by family members is a high-functioning adult?
ALLOWEDTOTYPEINCAPS3: 1. Has SO 2. Getting bj often enough to record it lol
Anhanguera: SO is a stretch from deepthroating girlfriend. I know a lot of fuck ups with girlfriends who suck their dicks...
ALLOWEDTOTYPEINCAPS3: Okay so i look at this post and have positive thoughts. You the opposite. Ill take that! Because that means im becoming less of a cynical asshole and opening up.
Anhanguera: Yeah whatever. I don't identify with my online personas. My personal growth happens with real human interactions, Reddit is just for shits and giggles. Hey, I'm typing this from the can... EDIT: I just realized something... Anhanguera is an asshole to vent the bile out of my system, so I can actually take it easy with real people, where what I say have consequences. Nice insight. I feel like having ice cream to celebrate it. Bye! EDIT 2: Don't pat yourself in the back too hard. You *are* reading people's fuck up confessions in the internet. Shadenfreud much?
ALLOWEDTOTYPEINCAPS3: Personas? Lol what do you call this one? Sexually repressed ipod hater?
Anhanguera: You're reading waaay too much into this. Maybe you're projecting the feelings of insecurity you have on me? Either way, rest assured, I don't care at all and this is pure entertainment and catharsis for me. You'd never guess that I'm actually a Zimbabwean trained monkey sex guru huh?
ALLOWEDTOTYPEINCAPS3: Keep dreamin'
Anhanguera: I will!
| 11 | 81.090909 | |
1402786551 | 1402850197 | t3_285vnm | t5_2to41 | 70 | whydotheycare1: TIFU I quoted a tv show which caused my whole extended family to think I'm gay.
So I'm a huge fan of the BBC series Sherlock. I've watched every episode a zillion times and my mom was watching it over my shoulder a few times and eventually she became a fan too. We got to the point where like half of what we say to each other is a quote from the show. The main character Sherlock holmes is incredibly anti-social because he's so smart he can't relate to anyone and no one can relate to him. He's asked at one point if he has a girlfriend to which he says "It's not really my area just implying that he's not a people person. The person who heard him say it took it to mean that Sherlock Holmes was gay.
Well My grandmother god buried yesterday and afterward we went to my uncles place to reminisce and stuff like that. My cousin brought her finance who she's marrying in August and at one point he asked me if I had a girlfriend. I just quoted the show without thinking and said "That's not really my area" without really thinking about who I was talking to. I was making a subtle reference about my sexuality but it wasn't one that was meant to be picked up on. He said "Oh. Ok." but it wasn't a whatever Oh Ok it was a "what you said really registered" kind of ok.
On the car ride home I mentioned this conversation to my parents and how my cousins fiancé now probably thought it was gay. At first they laughed about it and they thought the story was cute and that it wasn't a big deal that he thought so. I didn't really care either I didn't know him that well.
It's been a day and he talked to my cousin about it, which caused my cousin to talk to my uncle about it, which caused him to talk to my other uncle about it, which caused him to talk to his wife about it, which caused her to talk to her children about it and so on and so on until my whole extended family on my dads side thought I was gay and my dad received an email from his brother wondering why we felt the need to hide it until now we squashed this and said that I wasn't but it was still terribly awkward
It was a stupid idea to quote a show that the guy probably hadn't seen especially when the line that I quoted was a line that caused the character to whom it was said to assume Sherlock was gay. Didn't think about it at the time
multocida: So are you gay? It's okay if you are.
whydotheycare1: Yes but I didn't feel comfortable about them knowing. What I said wasn't meant to tell them. If I was ever going to tell them I wouldn't have wanted it to be like that and now that we've been through this very awkward situation I think that letting them know is something I'm even less comfortable with. This is just a huge mess
LAZODIAC: Are you though? Or is this another joke?
whydotheycare1: No. This isn't a joke
LAZODIAC: Oh, okay. That's cool. I wish you the best of lucks!
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1402786933 | 1402810653 | t3_285w5v | t5_2to41 | 55 | moezib: TIFU by getting cheated by a ghetto asshole
This isn't much of a fuck up but it happened today I want to get if off my chest because I feel like shit. I work at a convenience store with my dad (I'm Arabic). Our store is in a sketchy neighborhood. It's rare that I make mistakes with money and when I do I catch it almost immediately after. Today I was working the lottery and some dick buys a few one dollar scratch offs then gives me a 5 dollar bill and five 1 dollar bills and asks me for a solid 10 dollar bill. I say okay and open the cash register. I took the ten out and handed it to him while the change he gave me was still on the counter (I planned on putting in the register in a second). Then he says, "You know what, give me a solid 20 instead. So being the fuck up that I am, I saw the ten he was giving me back and the change I had left on the counter I thought that balanced out to make 20. I gave him the twenty but then said, "wait.." he noticed my confusion and said, "it's alright you're good, I wouldn't cheat ya". We were very busy so I didn't have much time to think about it but after all my customers were taken care of realized the impoverished ghetto arsehole cheated me and now I'm sitting here feeling like a dumb ass. It's even worse because my dad is angry and he can't trust me as much with money now that this has happened.
I know this doesn't measure up to the rest of these fuck ups, but I'm pretty pissed off about this.
TL;DR I thought I was good with money but I got fucked over by a ghetto customer.
dsatrbs: Hey, getting cheated out of $10 sucks, but at least it wasn't more, and you've learned your lesson.
First, read up on the quick change scam. You basically fell victim to it, although it usually goes slightly different. You need to handle each transaction separately, one at a time, count the money hand to table, and put the money in the register. Don't let the customer get ahead of you by letting them ask for different things.
If they start getting snippy or push you around, they're either dicks or looking to con you, and in either case you should tell them to get lost or you'll call the cops.
moezib: Thanks! I usually do try to do every transaction separately but the one time I didn't, I got fucked. Haha
buffalo_Fart: this made you smarter and he now loses a store, who wins?
moezib: Me.
devals: That's right, champ! Now go on inside, your mom has dinner on the table.
| 6 | 9.166667 | |
1402788300 | 1402889779 | t3_285xs9 | t5_2to41 | 61 | Eternally_Confused: TIFU by possibly getting my grandparents kicked out of their condo
So this happened last night and I just finished drafting up the apology letter....So me and 5 of my friends went to my grandparents condo in maine this weekend to enjoy the beach. My grandparents usually spend all summer and fall in this condo, but this weekend they were gone so I decided that it would be awesome to have a bunch of people up and party. We get up there around 8 and start the party. It starts of with some drinking games, flip cup, beer pong, the usuals. Around 2 in the morning we decide to take a swim in the condo pool. Now the rules are that the pool is locked and off limits after 10pm. So we decide to jump the fence and go for a dip. This is where it starts going bad. the fence is very tall and has huge spikes on it making it relatively difficult to jump over, plus we are shitfaced. We manage to get in and swim for about 30 mins. Then we had to get out of this caged in pool. I decide that using a patio ottoman, one of those small plastic ones, is a good idea. I step on it and it instantly breaks, so hmmm I think I'll try the next one. Same result obviously. I do this until all the ottomans are broken. So we then decide to just try and jump it, also a bad idea. I end up cutting my toe open, my friend slices his hand open and one the girls falls in a bush. At the time no one noticed the injuries or damage to the bush so we are walking around and go inside. Wake up the next day and instantly notice blood all over the floor of the condo. "Shit", so I look outside and it looks like a crime scene. Blood, broken plastic, and branches from the bush are everywhere. I get a call about 20 mins later from my grandpa, apparently the condo manger had seen us last night and had to hire a cleaning crew for all the blood and landscaping crew to fix the bush. He also tells me that there is a key to the pool hanging inside... goddamit. My grandparents are now on probation and risk losing the condo....and i still have to clean up all the blood inside.
USArentAmerica: Get you friends together and pool money to pay for the damages, that might help your case.
wtfru22: Or since your parents obviously failed completely with you just save them the time and money of your disappointing future and fuck off. What a fucking loser.
BeardsuptheWazoo: ^found the condo manager.
wtfru22: Or somebody who has a basic level of respect, column A or B choose wisely for if you choose wrong your face melts off like that dude in the Last Crusade, good luck.
5ft4masterrace: Dude, they got drunk and swam in a pool. It wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for the damages, which were clearly unintentional. Chill out.
wtfru22: none of you have children, fuck you all suck so god damn much.
5ft4masterrace: A+ response. I really hope you don't have children, either. You seem like you won't handle teenagers well.
wtfru22: No worries.
| 9 | 6.777778 | |
1402789536 | 1402807049 | t3_285z8v | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by Killing a Slug
I was staying at my Grans as I do every Friday. Being the weekend I brought it upon myself to attempt to watch all the Monty Python movies (only made it through two) I was about midway through The Meaning of Life when I felt a bit peckish. I proceeded to make my way to the kitchen being ever so quietly as it was around 3am. After making I turned on the light, looked down and saw a huge fucking slug laying across the tile. It was about a inch wide and 5 inches long, I felt bad seeing him cower as I stepped close (I've never really felt bad for a slug before but something about seeing his little eyes cower was cute... kinda). I began thinking of ways to get rid of it. Salt was a no go, I have no idea if being dissolved hurts to a slug but I didn't want to risk it. I couldn't let him out the front door too risky I would have to walk passed my Grans room and if I were to wake her... bad things would happen. Windows have alarms which I have no idea how to turn off. So I came to the conclusion that I had to crush the poor little guy/girl. I wrapped him it toilet paper (to hopefully prevent slug goop splash) and lifted a shoe. He was wrapped up tight like a little sack of slug. I smashed the shoe down, I must have hit it at a angle because it burst in two, looked like the slug had shit all up the kitchen cabinets its head lay almost as if it was looking at me saying 'WHY!!!'. The slug goop sure was hard to scrub off, I spent about 45mins doing it. I placed the cleaning utensils in the bin. Never to be used again. The next day I woke up to find them all back out having been used to clean dishes and my Gran confused as I put them in the bin, also after looking in the mirror I found a small amount of hardened brown slug gloop in my hair. I showered immediately!
Tl; dr: Went to crush slug POP! guts all over the kitchen
Coomb: Why the fuck would you kill it instead of just picking it up and putting it outside? It's not like it's going to bite you. It's a fucking slug.
[deleted]: I take it your very fond of slugs?
Coomb: No, not particularly. It just mystifies me that you would kill the slug for no reason.
SquishSquatch: I don't get it either. I was on a walk 2 days ago and I totally fucking biffed it instead of stepping on a beetle crossing my path because my brain kinda shut down mid-step and couldn't process quickly enough to help me catch myself. I've just learned that some of us respect the small creatures in life... some do not.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1402795291 | 1402827973 | t3_2866bs | t5_2to41 | 449 | balancespec2: TIFU by walking into a strangers house in the middle of the night
So my roommate hooked me up with her friend (Amy, fake name) who invited me over to her house to hook up.
I had met Amy before, but never been to her house.
Amy gave me her address and told me to come over around 10PM. When I was on her street, I called and she said to just walk in the side door. She never confirmed I was at her house as I wanted to park down the street so her crazy (soon to be ex) wouldn't see my car in her driveway and mess with it.
Anyway, she said to just walk in the side door, and describes her house. I find a house matching the description, but it had a weird car in the driveway (not one I would expect her to drive). It was an older boxy 80s car in well kept condition.
She had told me that her roommate had an old car in the driveway so I assumed that was it.
I proceed to walk in the side door and am immeadietly hit with a terrible smell. Amy is a clean freak so I find this odd, but I proceeded to walk into the kitchen and then living room, where a middle aged white trash couple was sitting watching TV.
For a split split second I assumed they were her roommates until reality struck me and I was just like ohfuckohfuck
I lock eyes with them, (I'm a clean cut college kid in my 20s with a polo and a backpack), and just said "sorry, wrong house"
The wife just stares at me and goes "oh my god! OH MY GOD!"
So I turn to leave and that was when I noticed the two pitbulls who for whatever reason ignored a complete stranger walking in the house, but were now starting to growl.
The husband calmly but tersely walked me out as I was trying to explain the situation. I think he believed me, and when I told him about the girl he pointed to the house next door.
Amy told me later that they were her neighbors and were cool, and had a good laugh about it.
I'm lucky I didn't get shot.
ThePinkPaton: But did you get lucky?
kesuaus: this
SeaLeggs: is
kesuaus: sparta ?
RedditComrade: Actually is KGB. You are under arrest.
| 6 | 74.833333 | |
1402784928 | 1402814582 | t3_285tn0 | t5_2to41 | 24 | thatguyfromchicago: TIFU by pressing speaker phone in my car
So I'm driving down the highway on the way to my girlfriends, doing about 60-65, and I'm trying to get into the left most lane. While driving, I'm listing to the Bill Burr podcast. When suddenly I get a call from my ma.
Now this isn't strange or unusual, so I paused the podcast, answered the phone, and hit the speaker button, glancing up between each action. Well, when I looked down to hit the speaker button, the SUV in front of me hit his brakes, and as I looked up I had just enough time to brake slightly myself before I rear end him.
We pull off the road, and he screams at me for a bit after I made sure he's okay. We assessed the damages, him: scratched rear bumper, and loose spare. Me: crumpled hood, smashed grill, and both headlights cracked.
We trade information, then we head in our way. Now this was my first accident, being a 20 year old male with little to no knowledge of cars, I expect everything to be okay. Well it wasn't.
After 20 seconds of driving my hood flies up, cracks my windshield and completely blocks my vision. After enough screaming and pulling off the road, I began to calm down.
Tl;dr: Looked down for a second, rear ended suv, smashed my front end and windshield.
redoverture: Well that escalated quickly.
Pola06: Be funnier if he had hit an Escalade
| 3 | 8 | |
1402795330 | 1402849720 | t3_2866d7 | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: Tifu by drunkenly clicking on a cam2cam site..
Throwaway because I am an ashamed idiot. Anyways...
So I went out with some guy friends for drinks last night. I broke up with a long term gf about three weeks ago so this was my way of getting out of my post breakup slump and getting myself out there. So we go and of course I'm buzzing pretty good and surprisingly, I actually find myself talking to some pretty attractive girls. Now sober me would love to have gotten their numbers and gone out for drinks or whatever. Sober me wanted to fuck. All of them. Simultaneously. Naturally, since I am not a huge player and I lack the skills to do this, I struck out lol. This is when I lose my logic.
So I go home alone yet again and figure I'd rub one out as usual and crash. So I get my laptop open, private browser up, cumrag ready, and launch straight to pornhub. Lo and behold, theres a tab that says live sex shows or something like that. So genius me is thinking, you know what, I'm gonna masturbate to someone real tonight. So I click on it and it directed me to some cam site (streamate I think?) And I proceed to put in my debit card info and BAM, I have an account lol. So my buzz is slightly fading from drunkenness to sleepiness. But I scour through all the models and I find a Colombian girl, at least thats what her profile says. 4.99/minute? Fuck it why not? So we do what cam people do and Idk what happened after that.
I wake up to my dog barking in the morning, and immediately, I log back in to my laptop, and the window says, "session is closed"
Immediately feeling regret, I log in to my chase bank app...
I spent 85 bucks on a cam session that I didnt even cum to..
Tl;dr drunkenly signed up to a cam site, squandered 85 bucks for nothing.
MisuCake: $5 an minute? She's not even having sex with you.
vintagemisery: The "model" gets $1 of that. So: he spent $85, she gets $17. Fucked up, I know.
Source: experience
[deleted]: That's not true, it varies greatly by site. Mfc gets 50-60% for example.
vintagemisery: I'm not talking about every site. I'm talking about streamate.
| 5 | 14 | |
1402776426 | 1402846889 | t3_285ijs | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by complaining about a dog.
This happened some time ago, but I still cringe when I think about it.
I train service dogs, and a major part of their training is socialization. One of my favorite places to train is at Disneyland where there are crowds, noises, food, parades, and costumes. Getting a puppy used to this kind of environment keeps it from being traumatized by other new experiences.
One time on a particularly busy day, I had a dog named Indy who I hadn't handled before (we also swap dogs often to get them used to different handlers). He had some issues with the leash and a habit of walking into me while heeling, or even veering slightly ahead of me. I'd spent a good 3 hours trying to curb this behavior, but he was about a year old with a new puppy raiser who hadn't realized this was a problem (it was pretty subtle).
We were leaving a parade (HUGE crowds) and he did this to me again. Out of frustration, I turned to my sister to complain..."UGH, this goddamn stupid Indy won't stay out of my way!"
There was an Indian man walking ahead of us -- fully clothed in traditional Sikh clothing (I think that's what it was). Just the kind of person we dumb Americans will often target with hateful remarks.
When he turned to look at me he didn't look angry or offended, just deeply, deeply, DEEPLY hurt. I've never seen a grown man look that sad.
I didn't realize what he probably heard until later.
slimmysreplays: Did you apologize to him? He obviously understands English a bit.
JaylieJoy: I didn't, because when I first saw him I didn't understand the look. I didn't realize until later that day what he probably heard.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1402799862 | 1402816834 | t3_28682c | t5_2to41 | 15 | EbolaPie: From what I hear they're comfy as fuck.
VexingRaven: From what I remember, they are definitely not. For one thing, zipper + bare balls =/= good. And I don't recall the material or seams being very soft.
If you want comfy, a nice part of comfy pajama pants and a soft cotton long-sleeve t-shirt are where it's at.
[deleted]: None of that can compare to the comfort of sleeping in the nude.
VexingRaven: Meh. I prefer fuzzy warmth myself, I love it when it's -20F and I can pile every blanket in reach on top of me. Now, getting out of bed in the morning on such days is an entirely different matter.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1402796154 | 1402847531 | t3_2867ab | t5_2to41 | 10 | Missed_a_beltloop: TIFU by using a #3 Pencil on the ACTs
Ok so that was this morning and today has been by far the strangest day of my life (saw a Lamborghini, heard somebody play America the Beautiful on bagpipes, and watched a dog receive CPR all in the span of like 30 minutes). But that's not important because today I fucked up.
I got out of bed at 7 am to get ready for the test. I took a shower and dressed comfortably. Not as comfortably as I would have liked because I needed compression underwear for the Ultimate Frisbee game afterwards. So I get to my school at 7:40 with plenty of time to get checked in. I get my room assignment and take the scenic route to my testing location as I was one of the few people from my school actually taking the test that day and most of the other kids were from nearby private schools. I go to my test room and as chance would have it my testing room is also my World History classroom.
So the lady hands out the test and everybody does the sections with the essay last. Sorry if the details are few and far between from now on, but I have no doubt that the ACT people would gladly bend me over and fuck me in the ass by tracking me down and voiding my scores if I even seemed like I was discussing the content of the test. In order to keep my ass free from the fucking of the ACT people I will proceed with caution.
I use one pencil to write my name and fill in the little bubbles for my name and a few things but switch to my other one because this one writes darker. I should have noticed then but I didn't. Thankfully I use this pencil for a majority of the test. Hell I might have even used it for the whole test except for when I noticed.
It's a while before I notice. I was writing my essay, the last section, and decided to switch pencils. The shade of the writing is noticeably lighter here. I inspect the pencil and there's a little 3 where the little 2 was supposed to be. To be honest I'm surprised I didn't calmly but firmly say, "This test can kiss the whitest part of my ass. I'm out." Its a small victory but one that I will have to be content with. So I finish my essay and I might be using humor as a coping mechanism but as frustrated as I was I recognized that it was still kinda funny.
I go get a pulled pork burrito for lunch and as I'm walking to the park I couldn't help but wonder WHY THE FUCK DO THEY MAKE NON-NUMBER-2 PENCILS. I sat down to eat my burrito and decided to weigh my options. It was too late to go back in ask to fill in the bubbles with a good pencil. This basically leaves me two options: do nothing, hope they notice and score it anyway, or send them an email explaining this whole situation in the hopes that I don't receive the aforementioned ass-fucking.
VexingRaven: I'm impressed. I've never even seen a #3 pencil.
rodtrusty: The #3 pencils are for people who press really hard when they write.
VexingRaven: Why was I never told of this magic? I press harder than anyone I've ever met.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1402799078 | 1402855353 | t3_286ame | t5_2to41 | 264 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting our cat have an abortion on my wife's laundry.
My wife, K, and I adopted an adorable 1-ish year old cat, Frankie, about two months ago. We got her from a lady on craigslist. That lady had never taken Frankie to the vet, but claimed that she had been spayed...
When we got Frankie, she seemed in good health, except that she was fairly skinny. Frankie is an extremely active and feisty cat. She spends about 95% of the time outdoors; being cute, hunting everything, getting in fights with the feral cats (all the damn time), and is always running around in the fields by our house. We didn't think much that she was eating a lot, and were happy that she started putting on some weight.
Then, yesterday K noticed that Frankie was on her cat period. (She had bled a little on our porch outside.) Frankie was NOT fixed! K and I decided to take her to the vet to get spayed on Monday, and we made a pact not to let Frankie inside the house until she quit bleeding.
So, about an hour ago, I heard Frankie outside. She was meowing and meowing and meowing. I went outside to pet her, and saw that she was standing over a fleshy, bloody mess. I examined a little closer, and could see that Frankie had just had a miscarriage on our porch. I could see a kitten fetus, which is a total bummer. :(
Anyways, I hollered at K to come look, and we both just sat there, petting Frankie, who was obviously very upset (still meowing). After a few minutes, I went inside and grabbed a paper towel, some gloves, and a scrub brush to clean up the mess.
I left the door open!
Frankie didn't hesitate to run inside, and my wife screams "NO FRANKIE!". I tried to pick Frankie up, but she was too quick. Frankie bolted into my wife's closet, which is her favorite place to hide... Meanwhile, there is a bunch of boxes and furniture stacked up in the room, and it takes me a minute to get to where Frankie is hiding... Frankie was on top of my wife's freshly cleaned dress clothes!
So here I am, moving furniture and boxes aside, trying to make a path to the closet. My wife is standing behind me, having a melt-down, yelling at me: "Damnit"... "FUCK"... "FRANKIE!!!".
By the time I finally got to Frankie, she was already laying in a laundry basket full of my wife's clean dress clothes. I picked Frankie up, and carried her outside.. Then, I hear my wife yelling again.
"FRANKIE HAD AN ABORTION ON MY CLOTHES!"... I don't think I've EVER seen her this pissed off...
Well, sure enough, there was another bloody mass of kitten fetuses on top of my wife's white shirt. Again, it's a depressing thing to see.
Well, now I'm stuck doing laundry. K won't talk to me, and has locked herself inside the bedroom for the last two hours. Frankie is outside, still meowing, and I feel terrible. FML.
TL;DR I let the cat inside, and she had a miscarriage on my wife's clean laundry.
ExStalksMyOldAccount: What happened to your cat is very sad and unfortunate. She is probably really confused and even scared. Your wife's reaction is only making the cat feel worse, especially when she scolded the cat. Frankie can't help what's happening. I'm sorry but your wife needs to mellow out.
Clothes can be replaced. I understand that these could be her work clothes, and maybe she is without for the time being. This is an inconvenience, but a temporary one.
I really hope she can calm down and realize she overreacted.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my clothes. Especially my dresses!!! But if this happened to my fur baby, I'd accept it, and buy new clothes when my wallet allowed it.
Tl;dr: your wife is bloody overreacting.
Mistah_roboto: Cats can be replaced too.
I would be just as pissed as his wife, if not more so. Especially if it was something nice (read expensive). Some people just have different priorities.
EDIT: Downvote all you want. I'm sure if this had happened to a laptop or a game system that there would be a lot more people sympathizing with the wife, and for all we know the clothes could've been worth far, far more than either of those.
galironxero: If my cat miscarried on a laptop, id feel sorry for the cat because it had a fucking miscarriage. No need to be an asshole.
Mistah_roboto: You can love and feel bad for the cat and still be pissed off. The two are not mutually exclusive.
galironxero: News flash. If you refer to your cat as replaceable when it has a miscarriage, you don't really love the cat.
Mistah_roboto: Not my cat. As I expressed elsewhere, I don't have a cat. Would I personally get rid of the cat if I had one and this happened to me? Possibly.
It really depends on how severe the damage was. If it was a shirt from JC Penney or Walmart, no big deal. If it was Armani, Yves Saint Laurent, etc. it would be a humongous, gigantic deal.
galironxero: Disposing of a living animal over a shirt, no matter where it's from? I hope you never have kids.
Mistah_roboto: As I also said elsewhere, animals and children aren't equivalent. It's not even close. Obviously any sane person would make sacrifices for a human being that they wouldn't make for an animal.
| 9 | 29.333333 | |
1402793935 | 1402882411 | t3_2864m8 | t5_2to41 | 122 | Flexible_Perplexity: TIFU by applying hair removal cream to my gooch
This actually happened today.
I got off work today at 5, and my entire shift my ballsack region was itching like crazy all, and itching around the area between the stomach and the shaft (I don't know what the name of that area is, like where the biggest bush of pubic hair would be). I had not shaved in a couple days, and my hair was really prickly and brushing against everything and just being downright irritating. So as soon at I got home, I stripped myself naked and went to the bathroom.
Every time I shave, I shower after. If I don't shower right after I shave, my skin seems to get irritated, and I itch a lot. So I always shower right after shaving. And I take everything I need to the bathroom; my shaving cream, my lotion, my shampoo + conditioner, my towel, my clothes to put on after I'm done.
Anyways, I shaved my face, then got down to my pubes. It felt *amazing* shaving away that prickly hair. I was literally removing an itch without digging a hole into my skin. So I was finishing up, but I wanted to take care of something that had been bothering me for a long time. And that was: **My gooch**. It just looked stupid; I would shave, but not shave my gooch, so there would just be no hair below my balls and then suddenly BAM! Hair. And my gooch is pretty hairy, and I wanted to do something about it. The only reason why I didn't wanna shave my gooch is because it goes aaaaallll the way down into my hairy asscrack and then my entire ass is hairy. So, if I was gonna remove gooch hair, I was gonna remove it all.
So I get out of the bathroom, grab some Veet hair removal cream, and head back to the bathroom. I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna do this, my bathroom doesn't have a place where I can sit down and spread my cheeks to see where I'm applying. So whatever, I'll start small; with the gooch, where I can kinda see.
I start applying. What's bad about Hair Removal cream is that it's hard to distinguish between burning and tingling when applying, and it says so immediately remove if you feel burning. Like this one time when I got some on my nipples, I couldn't tell what I was feeling but as soon as I rinsed it off, my nipples looked like they were gonna melt. But that's a different story.
You're supposed to wait for at least 5 minutes, so I'm sitting there for about ten seconds after applying, but after about 15 seconds, I felt it. I could feel the demons trying to enter me through my gooch. The burning had commenced, and it felt like someone was lighting a fire beneath my ass but touching my gooch with flames.
I was screaming, turned the shower on, and it was FREEZING cold. I'm rinsing these flames off my gooch and it still burns like a bitch. Anyways, I showered up and then my nose starts to bleed, and it wasn't those little drops of blood...it was like a waterfall. Splattering all over the side of the bathtub and onto my towel and all over my just-showered body. On top of that, my gooch was still on fire, and still is. So I had to shower. Again.
-12/10 would not recommend putting hair removal cream in that area.
TL;DR: Tried removing that hair that makes wiping your ass clean as hard as wiping honey off a horse mane.
Tiredoflifezzz: I've never been game to use it on pubic hair for this very reason. I too was a victim of the fine line between tingling and burning. Removing my ladystache on week, as I usually did, the tingle rapidly and unexpectedly crossed the line into burning. When I removed the cream I had a giant, red, moustache shaped burn. I tried everything to cool it and soothe it to no avail and tried covering with makeup (made it worse) before giving up. The burn, subsequent scab and lizardesque flaking last TWO WEEKS and I walked around at work etc with it on my face casually pretending it didn't exist while dying on the inside.
Tesabella: Aloe. Use Aloe next time.
Tiredoflifezzz: No, aloe Vera didn't work! Nothing but time and embarrassment did.
Tesabella: Really? :C That's some shitty shit. At least it's over now
| 5 | 24.4 | |
1402803799 | 1402899658 | t3_286g61 | t5_2to41 | 900 | coolinglube: [NSFW] Tifu by taking advantage of the time I was given.
NSFW
My husband and I do not have sex very often because we have small children. Yesterday, we were able to get both children asleep or occupied. We had anal sex, but my husband used cooling lube instead of the regular lube. My anus burned the rest of the day.
I fucked up again by posting a long post on my phone, while having painful burning diarrhea.
Edit: Rewrote the post in a simplified manner, without auto-correct and metaphors, while not on the toilet having burning diarrhea. I am sorry for the grammar rape and angering random Redditors.
whatIsThisBullCrap: You serious need to proof read. It took me 4 tries to figure out what the hell "my husband pulls on some shorts and feels worth her whole I jump in the shower" means
Ninjakiwi82293: > Suddenly, my husband comes pounding up the stairs to our yelling about snacks, Do McStuffins, our couch potato preschooler, and time for shower sex.
Also this. Like, I'm sorry if I'm being a party pooper, but this was completely incomprehensible.
But then again, it's a tired parent with a flaming anus. It also seems like they might be on their phone (autocorrect and all that).
coolinglube: This. I'll edit when I can to make it more comprehensible.
TheIlluminaughty: Waiting still :(
coolinglube: Edited.
TheIlluminaughty: I read it again! But damn.... How long did it take for the pain to subside?
| 7 | 128.571429 | |
1402803943 | 1402828687 | t3_286gbo | t5_2to41 | 22 | jrkirby: TIFU by microwaving a glass plate.
It broke. I'm an idiot. I have ceramic ones right there, but I decided to microwave the glass one.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: I microwave glass shit all the time. Sounds like it was beat up already/shiity.
jrkirby: No, it was in excellent condition. But I did put it in there for 3 minutes. It also is a cobalt glass plate, so that might have something to do with it.
MyNameIsSkittles: You can microwave glass. You have shitty plates.
Elgrud: Yep, I have plenty of glass plates that I use in the microwave.
Only one has ever broken, and it was the day I bought it, so it was probably flawed already, because all the rest of the same plates are fine being microwaved.
ProblemPie: No kidding, I just throw glass bottles in the microwave and nuke them pretty much constantly.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1402808271 | 1402852747 | t3_286l6g | t5_2to41 | 50 | IdontKnow_WhatIwant: TIFU by falling asleep and not answering the phone.
I don't know if I fucked up.
So my girl and I were supposed to go to my brothers graduation fire at his friends house. We were supposed to meet up before hand and she was riding with me. Well after a long day of family, heat, and graduation I fell asleep at home for three hours. When I woke up about thirty minutes ago I found a bunch of missed calls and texts. One of which said to never talk to her again. I think she thinks I went without her and ignored her but she won't answer texts and ends my calls so I can't explain. Reddit did I fuck up?
Edit: I appreciate the advice I'm going to bed now. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow and see where it goes.
Cachectic_Milieu: You definitely did not fuck up. But contrary to the other posts, I don't know if I would drop her just because she overreacted a little. Maybe she was really looking forward to going with you and thought you ditched her. I would explain the situation calmly and concisely without making excuses. If she is very forgiving and understanding then I would suggest you both just move forward. If she still makes a big deal out of it, then I would indeed drop her and move on. You are both human and you both made little mistakes, and that needs to be okay.
IdontKnow_WhatIwant: This is what I was thinking she was having a really really horrible day. She had a bad knee, she got her tongue peirced yesterday so it was hurting, and she worked a double. So I feel like she wanted to just relax with me and I did ditch her. I'm going to try to talk to her in person tomorrow cause I can never say what I want through the phone.
NJboozeNbroadz: Tongue pierced? Is this 1998? Are you in high school?
IdontKnow_WhatIwant: No it's 1997 get with the times. GOSH
| 5 | 10 | |
1402808553 | 1402876633 | t3_286lg1 | t5_2to41 | 14 | actuaryut: TIFU by clicking enter too early
I wanted to send a girl I know a video I found on Askreddit that was absolutely hilarious. However, the link didn't copy correctly. I pressed ctrl + v + enter out of instinct and accidentally sent her an album (over 100 risque pictures) of an eighteen year old girl that I found on a NSFW subreddit. Only positive part of this story is that there were no nudes, but they were pretty damn close.
[deleted]: >an album (over 100 risque pictures) of an eighteen year old girl that I found on a NSFW subreddit.
Which album? Don't leave us hanging OP.
actuaryut: http://imgur.com/a/NcVxA#0
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Wow. OP actually delivered.
Anyway I am so paranoid of something like that happening that I always copy a space after every link like that and double check every link I send, triple check every link I send to a girl I am interested in.
actuaryut: lol thankfully this girl was just a friend so it was just embarrassing and not catastrophic
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Most of my friends are girls so I know how it is. It would still be akward as shit.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1402780259 | 1402852203 | t3_285nlu | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by scratching my butt
A few weeks ago I spent the weekend with a guy I have been dating for a couple months. We woke up and proceeded with some lovely rise-and-shine shenanigans. I went to the bathroom to clean up afterwards in a towel. Somewhere in that time I must've scratched my ass and it musn't have been clean enough down there (with him visiting shitting had been made into a forced and fast event when I got the chance). Unbeknownst to me I went back to the bedroom with a stain on the inside of my robe and disrobed to get dressed. He is moving about getting dressed as well and goes to sit on the bed to watch me get ready. I turn around and see him moving my towel and very visibly is a brown stain. I freeze, he freezes for a millisecond I can only assume noticing, and then moves the towel conveniently covering the stain.
I still have sudden flashbacks of embarrassment.
But on the positive side, we had previously talked about trying anal, but maybe that has put him off for a while.
balancespec2: I don't care how much of a hurry you're in, if you left enough shit in your ass to leave a stain on a towel you are disgusting.
We have all had moments where we had to hurry and wipe, but if I'm about to get lucky I won't even shit unless I take a shower after.
There was one time I had the shits during sex, and had to run to the bathroom, but I probably used an entire roll of toilet paper making sure I was clean when I came back, and I'm a guy. Girls should be held to a higher standard.
under______score: Get a bidet ;D
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402816116 | 1402879395 | t3_286rx6 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking my mother's boyfriend stole my underwear
I had recently done laundry, couldn't find a pair of my underwear, and went crazy looking for it. There's only 3 people in my home including me, and I had previously had an incident where my mother's boyfriend had taken my belongings, so I immediately assumed it had been him. I called my mother and let her know what had happened, then proceeded to the dumbest shit ever... I don't talk to her bf at all so I wrote with a sharpie on their bedroom door (which HE always locks) "I know you took my shit, give it back". After I calmed down, I tried looking for my underwear again, and I found it...under my dresser hidden in some other things. I was freaking the fuck out. I went to the garage, got a paint bucket which was a different color than the door and used my fingers to paint the mess I had made since I couldn't find a brush. After all that I called my mother again, but she didn't answer so I left a voicemail apologizing and explaining what had happened. So now there's a cream colored square on their white door.
PaperbagRider: How old are you?
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Too damned old to be doing that shit.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1402819895 | 1402821576 | t3_286ug5 | t5_2to41 | 12 | boots_N_pants: TIFU but is it racist
I am an electrical engineering student. I met with my new academic advisor who is an Asian woman. After our meeting there was a weird second where I was unsure if we should shake hands. I chose to go with a head nod but after looking her in the eyes, I bowed!
catman420: Well, how asian is she ?
boots_N_pants: She was eating her lunch when I walked in. Some kind of curry chicken with rice. I give her a 9/10.
catman420: You're good, you ask for happy ending ?
boots_N_pants: Nope, she's more like Asian doctor than "food be ready 5 minutes, you big hurry?"
catman420: Oh then she might be offended. Ask for happy ending.
boots_N_pants: Response http://i.imgur.com/IqzwNmp.gif
catman420: Yeah he didn't hold his bow for 5 seconds. Common mistake. A jock strap is worth the money though. Make sure you talk in broken english with a slight asian accent also, they love that shit.
| 8 | 1.5 | |
1402820181 | 1402863534 | t3_286umc | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling an insecure girl fat
So after every trimester in my school, the kids in my homeroom bring food for a party to celebrate the end of the trimester. Now there's this sort of quiet,chubby girl called 's' and she's on the cross country team but she's the slowest one and she's pretty insecure. So S is sitting next to my buddy Calvin and they just so happened to be eating a slice of cake and I called my friend Calvin a fatass and pointed at him. Now S thought i was referring to her and she left the room and started crying. but i didnt even know i did anything wrong and now i cant apologize bc schools over
tldr called a fat girl fat she cried and didnt apologize/cant apologize
antibeen: Just don't call anyone fatass and you don't run the risk of looking like an asshole.
fauxedo: Wait, how am I an asshole?
antibeen: How would I know? Who the hell are you?
fauxedo: I don't know, but I'm pretty sure you just called me an asshole.
antibeen: Nope. I responded to a post made by /u/treefiddy5
fauxedo: Sorry, it was supposed to be a joke about one person (me) picking up an insult that was directed to another person (OP) in contrast to the advice you were giving. I guess it failed though.
kesuaus: It was funny to me ...heh they just dont have sense of humour :S
| 8 | 6.875 | |
1402819986 | 1403024480 | t3_286ui5 | t5_2to41 | 21 | Throwarrowway: TIFU by sticking my balls out of my pants.
Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
This happened 30 minutes ago and yeah - how can I not share this with fellow redditors?
I was sitting in my chair. My mom is also home. I was just browsing websites and stuff, watching videos and realized it's really hot and by balls are getting itchy. I thought it's a good idea to stick them out from pants and sit like that. In about 5 minutes my mom comes, opens the door and i'm sitting with my balls sticking out.Penis as well. I also had a sweater. She told me she will soon go to the supermarket and asked If I needed anything. At this point im sitting like some horny teenager and I totally forgot about my penis and balls. I just answer that I don't need anything and she closes the door without any reply. About 15 seconds later I realized what I looked like when she opened the door. The thing is, I have a sweater on, so I'm not sure if she 100% saw me like this. If she did, good thing I didn't have broken arms...
friend_of_bob_dole: No, please, nobody take the broken arms bait!
sameoldnigga: enlighten me
friend_of_bob_dole: Just remember… [You asked for it!](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his)
Though you may have to do a bit of reading to actually find the bit about broken arms.
sameoldnigga: aint that some shit
friend_of_bob_dole: Indubitably
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1402825203 | 1402836882 | t3_286xun | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU: By telling my crush I like him...
I'm shy, this was HUGE for me...
This is what I sent him:
-------------------------------------------------------–-------------------------
I sent this: I have to admit something, okay I am going to feel like shit after but anyway, I really hope you won't tell. Anyway maybe a few weeks ago when we were talking (a lot? I guess) I had feelings for you, And I was going to tell you, but we kinda stopped talking, and I'm going to regret sending this but you are probably going to find out 1 way or another so... I figured this is probably a better way for you to find out. And I'm not to sure how I feel about you now, I'm mixed. And the only reason why I'm sending this is because I'm ready to face rejection and awkwardness. So yeah...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And he hasn't seen or replied. I'm going to school tomorrow and he sits with my group...
calcteacher: never easy it seems. good on you for taking the chance.
Smiggles223: :) thanks
calcteacher: you're welcome. there are many people out there who you can love. your chances are better when you reach out some.
Smiggles223: I'm too scared to go to school
calcteacher: face your fears. remember that it's ok to love someone and not have that loving feeling returned at that time. go back to just being a friend. give it time, look around for others, or not at all.
Smiggles223: I know that. It's just I haven't dated anyone in a year... :) I have been looking but I couldn't find anyone. And then he walked in and wow. It's been great (well some of it)
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1402823034 | 1402841044 | t3_286wf9 | t5_2to41 | 12 | CSpiffy148: TIFU By Eating Raw Porkchops
I live with my Dad and take care of him since he was diagnosed with lymph-node cancer. My Father was throwing a birthday party for his girlfriend Debbie today (my Mom passed away several years ago). I was out all day at a christening and then bowling with my friend and his wife. I came home and had a few beers with my Dad and his girlfriend before they went to sleep. I grabbed a few more beers once they went to bed and got a little hungry.
My Dad is famous for his dry rub and makes porkchops for every party. I saw a stack of porckchops in the fridge and assumed that they were the leftovers from the party. I found a big ole porkchop and threw it in the microwave for two minutes brought it downstairs and started to get down. I was about seven beers deep a this point between bowling and the beers I had at home but noticed the consistency was just wrong. My Dad had just scored the chops a little so they would keep better but they were raw in the middle and I had chowed on almost half of one.
I have a pretty sturdy digestive tract, I've been in fourteen countries and sampled the cuisine and violated the rules on bottled water. But I know trichinosis is no joke and am worried I am going to spend Father's day crapping and vomiting instead of cooking corned beef for my Dad as planned.
coveritwithgas: Trichinosis happens to maybe a dozen people per year in the US. Such small numbers require a cavalcade of fuck-ups. I'll bet those cases match more than one of these conditions:
* Meat purchased at substandard vendors
* Meat left uncovered and uncooked at room temperature
* Meat cooked in unsanitary conditions
* Meat eaten while not thoroughly cooked
One out of four doesn't doom you to food poisoning. Unless it did, in which case, sleep next to a bucket and a case of gatorade.
melitonz: why the gatorade? central european here, gatorade is not as big here, so I don't get it.
eatspam88: It's mainly to replenish salts and other stuff that would be lost in the case of diarrhea and/or vomiting. Any sports drink is ok, it's just that Gatorade is probably the best known.
melitonz: Yeah I know about both Gatorade and Powerade (the latter one being maybe more popular here), it's just that I did not understand how would it help. But it's clear now, thanks.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1402819238 | 1402878718 | t3_286u2y | t5_2to41 | 42 | the_state_of_florida: TIFU by playing games on my iPhone
I was playing "Life is Crime" on my iPhone in a place I eat at sometimes when all of the sudden some kids see me playing it. They tell me they play it too and then I tell them my username. Then they get really pissed and it turns out I'm the guy who's been murdering all of their gang members over and over to take over some territory, which is what you do in the game.
Long story short the kids were not happy and went on a screaming rampage, leading to all of us getting kicked out of the restaurant and I didn't finish my meal.
ShadowMagnus: As tragic as that is, that's pretty funny.
the_state_of_florida: It sucks though...
| 3 | 14 | |
1402828647 | 1402862992 | t3_28703j | t5_2to41 | 1,074 | keratoconus: TIFU by thinking if you slayed a dragon, it wouldn't come back to bite you in your ass.
So there is this challenge where I live and it is that you get a full refund if you eat [this pizza (called the angry dragon)] (http://hellpizza.com/files-nz/images/content/posters/AngryDragonPopUP.jpg) in a 20 minute time frame (You had to sit the whole 20mins, even if you finished it in 5mins). A few of us though as students that this would be the best thing ever: A simple, easy pizza that if we finished it we would get our money back. My brain didn't even read what was on the pizza, because really how hot could it be?
This pizza was hot, my face tingled after the first bite. The burning wasn't gradual, this pizza smelled and looked like it was created by the souls of the damned. First slice and I couldn't feel my face. Halfway through I couldn't hear things properly. When I finished it my hands lost feeling, my sinus was cleared and I had no feeling in my face. I felt like somebody had smashed my face into a wall until I couldnt feel anything. After I finished I did two mini fuck-ups. I touched my eyes and had a searing pain and fuzzy vision for a while. During my period of clouded vision (and judgement) I went for a leak and touched my junk. I can describe the pain as Satan himself coming up from hell and stabbing your junk with his pitchfork.
The next day I started my job where I was surveying people which involved me standing around all day and talking to people. It was supposed to be an easy job but before I started the Angry Dragon decided to strike for the last time. The whole night it burn my digestive track as it passed through but the next morning when it left my body it turned my butthole into the ring of fire. It was just as hot going out as it was going in. I relived every moment of fiery pain, and you could not wipe away the pain. I decided to soldier on and just deal with it as my job started. I spent the rest of the day with a burning hole, trying to look and be happy while I conned people into doing a survey, but really all I wanted was angels to descend from heaven and pour something on my hole which would sooth the pain. But this did not happen and I spent 6 hours on my feet, walking around with the pacific ring of fire in my underwear.
**TL;DR:** Ate hot shit, shithole was hot and had nothing to sooth the miniature hellhole for several hours.
Edit: I did get my money back. I wasn't going to let some pizza get the best of me.
NotAUniqueName1: I was planning on trying that pizza but now having read about your experience, I think I might give it a miss.
Highriderr: I had never heard of it, but if I'm every passing through NJ again I know where to stop to eat. Sounds tasty to me, but I'm a freak like that. This is my go to hot sauce: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b9/Daves_insanity_sauce.jpg so I think I might be able to stand it. I'd love to find out anyway.
Edit: shit. That says NZ, not NJ. Don't think I'll be driving through there anytime soon
David_mcnasty: How hot is this insanity sauce?
slothy_sloth: The sauce is 180,000 SHU, 36 times hotter than a jalapeño.
churrobro: I have a bottle of Trinidad Moruga Scorpion hot sauce which has a SHU of 1.2 million-2 million. Only the Carolina Reaper pepper is hotter than the TMS.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: How is the trinidad moruga scorpion? I love hot foods, and ghost chilis don't really do it for me, but haven't been able to get my hands on anything related to one of those.
churrobro: I really like it. Make a big batch of salsa and add a few drops to add some heat and flavor. I got a little 5 ounce bottle at Jungle Jim's in Fairfield, Ohio. If you live within a few hours drive, I would recommend that you go there and check out their hot sauce collection. They have everything from your average Franks or Sriracha type stuff to TSM type hot sauces.
BF3FAN1: Do you know of I could order that anywhere online?
churrobro: [Here's Amazon] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0084B8Z90?pc_redir=1402738414&robot_redir=1)
[Here's hotsauce.com] (http://www.hotsauce.com/mobile/Category.aspx?id=237)
[Here's igourmet.com] (http://www.igourmet.com/shoppe/Trinidad-Moruga-Scorpion-Hot-Sauce.asp)
Hopefully these help
BF3FAN1: Thanks!
| 11 | 97.636364 | |
1402831372 | 1402832479 | t3_2871u1 | t5_2to41 | 81 | MrGatch: TIFU by trying to swat a fly with a plate
Alright, so it's been a long week. Hell, it's been a long month. I just finished a massive project and my mind is blown- like I cannot do anything except the bare necessities, which includes sleeping, bathing, and feeding myself.
So I wake up and decide that before I have my coffee, I should eat. Fair enough. I go to the kitchen and turn the stove on, get bacon and eggs out of the fridge, when a fly buzzes past. I ignore it. I take out the OJ and start putting the pan on the stove. The fly lands on my forehead, then zips away as I try to get focused on the matter at hand- food.
The entire time I'm cooking, this fucker keeps whipping by, landing on my shoulder, on my bacon, **IN MY OJ**. All the while he *just* barely makes it out of my grasp.
Now I'm a patient man. I made it through AFFC without getting upset once. But I'm also a broken man, a man who is trying to perform a simple task (without coffee) and I am at my limit.
I go grab a ceramic plate to put the food on. I've just finished cooking and am ready to eat, when the fly lands on my food, does a little jig, then buzzes off. That's it, I'm out for blood.
As if the gods themselves heard my plea, he lands very politely on top of my counter, and just waits. There's no time to think (how could I if I wanted to?): I have my plate in hand, and it's now or never. I bring that piece of tablesetting down HARD on top of the asshole. The plate shatters everywhere, my roommate busts out of his room asking why in holy hell I've smashed a plate so early in the morning, and the fly buzzes away. I calmly explain to my roommate:
"I'm sorry, there was a fly".
**TL;DR:** I tried to swat an annoying fly with a ceramic plate, roommate is pissed, the fucker lived.
Cheeseburger_Bandit: Did someone you didn't get along with die, then reincarnate as a fly whose only goal is to fuck with you?
MrGatch: It must have been a ghost fly.
| 3 | 27 | |
1402830863 | 1402848953 | t3_2871hd | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting father's day.
My mother left my biological father when I was three, but I started talking to him when I was an adult. I've sent him a father's day card every year but I was so wrapped up in my own issues this year I forgot. To make matters worse, I can't just buy it last minute and drive over because I live in Florida and he's in CT.
Fuck.
Happy father's day, motherfuckers.
zombiebearhug: Cards are stupid and a waste of money. Just call him, it means a heck of a lot more than a card ever will.
Bacon_is_not_france: I do both.
zombiebearhug: time to up the game then...
Make your own card, post it post-haste, blame the postman for delivering it late.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1402829974 | 1402921164 | t3_2870y0 | t5_2to41 | 289 | cannotbanme: TIFU by giving a cute girl the wrong phone number
Met a stunning girl at a concert, we talked for hours, fooled around a bit and had a great time.
We wanted to meet again the next day but the idiot that is me apparently can't remember his own phone number.
Now I'll never see her again. I feel like shit.
cannotbanme: To clarify:
She asked for my number and I gave it to her but mixed up the last part, my phone was at home. This makes it so bitter for me.
The hangover isn't helping.
lemonadegame: Are you taking about your landline phone? Because why the fuck would you leave your mobile phone at home?
PakShuang: Well obviously it's a mobile lol. Like your question but rephrased, who the fuck takes a landline phone out?
lemonadegame: Hipsters
| 5 | 57.8 | |
1402820229 | 1403128687 | t3_286un7 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my debit card at a bar
In Richmond, VA no less. I was at the Dave Brockie / Cory Smoot memorial show at the Canal Club and had the brilliant idea of opening a tab. I had entirely too much fun and didn't remember that I needed my card until I was already at the airport waiting for my flight back to MA. A 20% tip gets added to unclosed tabs at the end of the night. I had a great time but maybe next time I'll stick to cash only.
st3v30kin3v0: How was the show?? Rest in space!!!!!
[deleted]: It was awesome! Definitely one of the best shows I've ever been to. I'll be nursing this bangover for a while.
st3v30kin3v0: At least you had a good time I would love to go to a memorial show for Dave brockie and Cory smooth sucks about your card tho
[deleted]: There will be another one next year.
st3v30kin3v0: I'm from ohio tho or do they travel
[deleted]: The memorial shows are always in Richmond.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1402843958 | 1402922315 | t3_287cv3 | t5_2to41 | 116 | EinarTorkelsen: TIFU by explaining the concept of death to my 3-year old nephew...
Now, I like to think that I'm a great uncle. I am kind, supportive and helpful when dealing with my nephew, Simon. I try to teach him the ways of life, and what to expect from it, without much cynicism. Of course, being an uncle, I also teach him naughtier things, like how to best prank his grandmother, but that's the burden you have to live with as an uncle.
One day, while celebrating his grandmother's 45th birthday, I sat next to Simon while he watched a cartoon (That one with the bird and some other animal constantly fighting each other). Suddenly, a character died by being blown to death by dynamite (Because children love that shit?). My nephew laughed a bit, and I gave a giggle as well. He then said, "What happened to him, uncle?" To which I replied "He managed to run away before the explosion." He gave a giggle fit and said "Silly uncle! No he didn't, he died." I didn't know what to reply, so I didn't. A minute later, he gave me the toughest question I have ever been asked.
"What happens when you die?"
I did not know what to say. Ideally, I would have ran off and avoid the question entirely. But I like to think I'm a great uncle. Of course, in a matter of seconds, that was about to change.
"When you die, you disappear from this world. You can no longer control your body, and it will be carried by other people and be put in a coffin, which will then be buried in the ground on a cemetery, where lots of other dead people are also buried. Depending on what you blieve, [He is christian, I'm an atheist. Not the neckbeard kind.] you will either go to a paradise in the skies with the spirits of other dead people, or you will go to hell, and burn and suffer for all eternity with other dead people."
Fair enough, right? I might as well have stopped with the explanation there, right? Well, I'm an idiot.
"Your uncle, however, doesn't believe that. I believe that when you die, everything stops. Your body will still be buried, or be burned. But you won't go to heaven, or any such nonsense. You will just be nothing. You won't feel anything."
His face looked confused and sad. I felt bad now, but that doesn't mean I wasn't about to continue fucking up, being the idiot that I am.
"Will I die?" Simon said, still sad.
"Yes, one day, before long, we will all die. Some people die before others. Some people get killed by others, like on the cartoon. You will die someday as well. It could be in 80 years, or it could be even be tomorrow."
I swear to god, a bucket of tears were cried that day, and Simon still has nightmares because of my explanation.
Now, I like to think that I'm a great uncle...
**TL;DR: Explained death to my nephew, he then cried and started having nightmares.**
Fredster94: You really should have stopped after explaining heaven and hell. If his parents choose to raise their child as a christian its not your place to introduce any different ideas to him. Especially ones regarding death.
Zpheri: No, just no.
Everyone should be told the truth.
When my little sister grows up and starts asking questions. I will tell her.
I don't give a shit about what her Christian mom thinks. Just because your a mkther or father, that doesn't allow you to manipulate your kids free mind and guide them in the direction YOU wan't them to go.
Everyone should have a free choice and know both sides of the coin. Everyone should know the truth: Nothing is proven.
[deleted]: But I'm sure if the tables were reversed, you wouldn't want some christian uncle or friend telling your kids about God and Jesus. That's a whole can of worms you now have to debunk. It's completely your right to raise your children as you see fit, as long as it's not causing them any harm.
Zpheri: Did you read what I said?
Well read it again.
[deleted]: Yeah, I agree with the part that everyone deserves to know the truth. But to religious people, they believe that their own version of the truth is the true truth. That's where it gets sketchy. But everyone has the right to parent as they see fit, as long as it's not abusive.
Zpheri: Is just...I can't stand watching someone believe blindly in the only thing they have heard about. They should be told about all religions, and choose in my opinion.
I won't try to make my sister an atheist. But I sure will tell her about what atheism is, along with other religions.
[deleted]: That's what I would do. It's not healthy to grow up isolated from other ideas.
Zpheri: Yea but apparently were the only two persons ITT that think so. The retards just downvoted me to hell because the only thing they understood from what I wrote is;
"Fuck Christianity..."
Even though I clearly said I would give a neautral objective explanation of all religions.
| 9 | 12.888889 | |
1402849194 | 1402918954 | t3_287jcf | t5_2to41 | 124 | Chief-Smackahoe: TIFU by changing a Skype group chat name.
TIFU. I change Skype display names sometimes. The new names only appear on my Skype and can be entertaining.
Today I was in a group text chat with one of our vendors and my business partner. We have been doing business for a long time. Recently he made a pretty big error that cost us a contract. I changed his display name to Cock Sucker. It was funny. I noticed that his display name didn't change in the group chat so I changed it there too. It seems like the same edit BUT the name changes for everyone on the chat AND it displays a helpful "Chief-Smackahoe changed the name of the group chat at 17:45" As we were in the middle of a text chat, it was instant damage. "Why did you change my name to Cock Sucker?" I babbled something about a update to the app but then he signed off and hasn't been back on.
girlwithpinkscarf: It think it is a little bit juvenile and unprofessional. But since you have already recognized this as a fuck up, I guess a good lesson learnt the hard way.
Chief-Smackahoe: That's a fantastic idea.
ssjkriccolo: Generic response number 45.excellent choice, sir.
Chief-Smackahoe: There was an edit...
13zath13: Was there an update to the app?
| 6 | 20.666667 | |
1402851561 | 1402952154 | t3_287mfy | t5_2to41 | 753 | drivenjerk: TIFU by jerking off while driving
Time to whip out the throwaway. On my way to visit my Dad for Father's Day, I had a boner that just wouldn't go away (unrelated to my Father) and a long drive ahead of me. I had pulled this maneuver before with relative ease, so I decide to get rid of the problem and whip it out for a quick drive n' jerk. Little did I notice the trucker that pulled up next to me mid jerk. We locked eyes. I flip out and veer off the road, sideswiping a road sign and slam into the car in front of me going about 40. I get out of my car rather out of sorts, and who else but the truck driver comes running up to me, asking me if I'm ok and pointing out that my dick is still out of my pants. Worst part is that the police report reflects EXACTLY what I was doing to cause the accident since there was a witness. By the end of the day, I just wanted to forget everything and go to bed, so I finished the job at home...
TL;DR don't jerk and drive
Edit: Yes, I get it. I'm an inconsiderate shit head who needs to fuck off. If it makes anyone feel better, no one was hurt. Now excuse me while I go fuck off.
Cachectic_Milieu: >I flip out and veer off the road, sideswiping a road sign and slam into the car in front of me going about 40.
I'm sorry, I just can't picture how this scene is possible. You side swiped a road sign but couldn't slow down enough not to slam someone in front of you? How do you even hit someone in front of you going 40 mph on a highway?
drivenjerk: it actually wasn't a highway, just a four lane road through the center of downtown so the speed limit was only 30mph (I was speeding). But yeah, swiped the road sign, veered back on the road trying to correct and didn't really have enough time to hit the breaks.
Cachectic_Milieu: So you were masturbating while driving through the center of a downtown area and speeding? Did you really think nobody would see you?
OgreRockGrotto: Lying for karma? Who'da thought? /s
drivenjerk: this is a throwaway dipshit...
IamCatHearMeRoar: If this is true, you're kind of an asshole. If this isn't true, you're an asshole. You're kind of stuck, asshole.
| 7 | 107.571429 | |
1402853453 | 1402945579 | t3_287p6n | t5_2to41 | 4,259 | bluntmasta: TIFU by having sex with my g/f
Normally, getting laid would not lead to a TIFU post, but today something so terribly fucked up was said that it warrants posting. My girlfriend and I are in the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship, and we have started having sex every night we are together. One thing will lead to another, and before I know it, the condom is on and we're getting it on. She had said several times that she is on birth control because she doesn't want children, so in the wee hours of the morning (after six shots of Crown), it seemed like a good idea to pass on the condom. Things are getting pretty heated and she is riding me cowgirl style. I warn her before I'm about to finish, and she holds me down and finishes me off inside of her. I'm basking in the afterglow, and she leans in real close and asks, "How do you know I'm on birth control?". My eyes widen, and before I can formulate a response, she says, " Happy Father's Day". She assures me that she is really is on birth control, but I can't help but think that TIFU.
Update: 10 hours later, my post has been discovered... Many lawls were had. I think I have a keeper!
eyegotthis1: Marry, regardless.
Any GF who can prank you that well is worth a lifetime of laughter together.
bluntmasta: I'm tempted to agree with this. She's a sick bitch, and that's why I love her. She's a redditor, and she's subscribed here. I hope she doesn't see this...
Offensive_Bastard: Hah..good luck ;)
bluntmasta: Yeah... After the attention this post has gotten, I'm fucked. Too bad this is a throwaway.
moderndayanachronism: With the details you left, it doesn't leave much for anonymity.
ElusiveGuy: But at least she won't find his real account? If she doesn't already know.
AvengerGeni: I don't get this mindset. My bf knows my reddit name and I know his. We have nothing to hide from each other and if we did, that wouldn't make for a very good relationship.
[deleted]: Honeymoon phase suggests its still early days in the relationship. You don't lay everything out on the table straight away!
AvengerGeni: My bf and I have only been together a couple of months. What's the point of hiding things? Why build a relationship on deceit and lies and withholding information?
chiropter: What if the other person just doesn't feel like telling you? What if they actually want some private space? These are possibilities that rational people might also choose.
AvengerGeni: I think that people in a relationship should definitely have their own separate things going on but I don't think that stuff should be hidden. If my SO ever said, "yeah I'm doing this and that and the other but I don't want you to know anything about it" I would want to know why. If you have nothing to hide, then why keep secrets?
chiropter: I don't think you get the point here. Some people don't like opening every aspect of themselves to others' scrutiny, and that's perfectly normal, fine, and at their discretion. It may behoove you to be aware of this for the sake of your future relationships, even if your current SO has no problem sharing what you seem to think is everything.
AvengerGeni: We all have our own opinions on the way a relationship should work. I want a relationship where we're both open and honest about everything. You don't need that. If that works for you, more power to you. I'm just saying that I personally feel that there should be no secrets in a relationship.
chiropter: > no secrets
they're not secrets, they're just things that don't come up in discussions. If you think that all SOs should tell eachother everything in existence no exceptions, well there's a meme for that http://i.imgur.com/IHFNQQk.jpg
AvengerGeni: You can call me an overly attached gf all you want. You and I obviously have very different ideas about the way a relationship should work and that's ok. You do it your way, and I'll do it mine. Have a nice day.
| 16 | 266.1875 | |
1402855124 | 1402872421 | t3_287rim | t5_2to41 | 10 | ascharles1: TIFU by asking my Dad why people were coming over.
My father was telling me that I had to get dressed because we were expecting company. Trying to figure out how dressed I needed to be, eg suit and tie? gym shorts? sleeveless shirt? I asked him who was coming over. He told me that Grandpa, my sister and her Husband, my other sister's boyfriend, etc. were coming over. I asked him why so many people were coming over. His answer: "It's Father's Day..."
MennyC123: Quick, buy a tie
VIPsharpshooter: lol
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1402855452 | 1403043666 | t3_287rzj | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by showering with my new phone
So I have been saving up for a new phone for nearly a year, and I finally got the phone I wanted 6 days ago (Sony M2). Now to the main part, I used to shower and read my Twitter feed whilst showering, I didn't care if my phone got wet since it was 3 years old and waiting for a replacement. I completely forgot that I was using my new phone and proceeded to enter the shower with my new phone to check on Twitter and FB. The water was splashing all over the screen and the phone submerged under the stream of water and shampoo, when I came out of the shower, I realized what I have done, my brand new phone that I saved up for just over a year for, the screen was blinking and there was a dark water stain behind it.
Took it into local PC Repair store and repair cost will be £180 as some of the chips have been damaged. I am really disappointing in myself, TIFU my new phone, I won't be able to get it fixed and I am back to my 3 year old HTC. I really am a stupid idiot.
redoverture: Okay, here's what to do. Register a warranty with SquareTrade. Submit receipts, etc. Wait **A MONTH AND A HALF** and submit your phone under warranty. Use an old phone in the meantime. You **must wait** or they flag it as fake and shut down your account. Also must buy warranty within 30 days of device purchase. Good Luck!!
Voyager5555: Ahhh yes, the only logical step after you willfully destroy your own property is insurance fraud. I love people these days.
redoverture: What would you suggest? Licking the phone clean? Getting it blessed by a priest? It's not like insurance companies aren't making more money than they can stuff their mattresses with.
Voyager5555: I'm amazed that you're pulling out the "well they have the money" card, totally unexpected!
I'd suggest the following:
Don't take your phone in the shower
If you're planning on doing so, buy insurance beforehand
Don't try and pass off your mistakes to others
Don't commit insurance fraud
redoverture: Here's an idea:
- Don't sell people insurance at extremely high prices
- Include insurance with the product
- Don't start a company built on the hopes of screwing people off
- Instead of completely denying cases of already damaged products, offer them a slightly increased price.
If you read *carefully* into SquareTrade's warranty policy, you only get **one** repair per contract. It's like paying for a repair anyways.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1402856838 | 1403403630 | t3_287tzx | t5_2to41 | 280 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally taking my anal virginity with a bar of soap
This just happened 40 minutes ago and I haven't even had time to dry off before posting. Okay, I was in the shower after a couple of days without showering (I'm usually quite a clean person but I've been a little ill and couldn't be bothered to leave my bed yesterday). Because of this I was taking my time to clean myself and making sure to be thorough and make sure that I cleaned well. Whilst I was cleaning I was totally under the water and couldn't hear very well. At university I share a shower between 10-15 people so you never get very long and somebody was trying to speed me up. They banged on the door which startled me and I tried to step out of the water to shout that I would be five minutes. I slipped and landed flat on my arse, pushing the bar of soap into my previously un-penetrated arsehole and it was a large bar of soap at that. I shouted in pain only to have people running to the door trying to check on me while I'm trying to force the bar of soap back out of my body (luckily it didn't go fully in so I managed to grip it and pull it out).
However, I wasn't answering because I thought it was awkward to hold conversation while fingering my anus to retrieve a bar of soap and it took me a while, so halfway through one of my friends forced themself into the shower to check on me. It looks like I'm masturbating loudly using a bar of soap when I'm just trying to get it out and they tell the entire floor. Life over.
TL;DR - Trip in shower while cleaning, literally fuck myself with a bar of soap. People think I'm masturbating with it.
el_crunz: You've gone to impressive lengths to craft this cover story!
allenson21: "Accidentally"
[deleted]: "Fell"
FearLeadsToAnger: "Soap"
TooFarSouth: "Pain"
| 6 | 46.666667 | |
1402856623 | 1402881294 | t3_287too | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a planeload of people to fuck their couch, nigga
I don't get embarrassed easily.
The first time I ever tried smoking out of a bong I held it backwards and tipped it up so all of the water and my generous friend's weed came sloshing out all over me. When I was in high school my uniform skirts were always too big and I would accidentally step on the hem and essentially "pants" myself way more often than I'm proud of. This past New Year's I was most definitely that wasted white girl tottering around on too-high heels and I woke up in the freshly minted year of 2014 covered in bruises from my many, *many* falls the night before.
A couple years ago, I had two iPhones: a Verizon one which I primarily used and an AT&T backup one. I was sitting on a plane, listening to music on my main phone while waiting to take off when I decided to use the other phone to download a YouTube video which I could later watch in the air. My cousin had just recently shown me this hilarious two-part skit by Dave Chappelle and Charlie Murphy (which lives in infamy as I'm sure you all know) so I looked up the best version of it I could find, clicked the AT&T phone into mute and pressed play on [this video](http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n0w099fw4lw).
Or at least, I thought I had clicked it into mute.
It took quite a while for me to notice the dirty looks. First it was the person across the aisle giving me the side-eye. Then I noticed the woman next to him lean forward to shoot me a glare. When a guy two rows ahead stood up, turned around, and stared at me with his brow furrowed I finally pulled my earbuds out and was met with the sound of Dave Chappelle, roaring at full volume from my lap: **FUCK YO COUCH, NIGGA! BUY ANOTHER ONE, YA RICH MOTHERFUCKER! FUCK YO COUCH, NIGGA, FUCK YO COUCH!**
I don't get embarrassed easily. But my whole body *still* heats up from shame every time I think about it.
Aubear11885: Cocaine's a hell of a drug
Beard_Hero: "Rick is, encourageable, ya know?"
For those who don't know: http://youtu.be/n0w099fw4lw
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1402858711 | 1402898764 | t3_287wlh | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at my Fathers Day gift.
Context, my wife is a few months removed from a pretty bad depression that almost ruined our marriage. Everything has been going fine for awhile and we have both been working really hard on improving ourselves and our relationship.
I am one that normally buys whatever I want for myself and she rarely spends money. I knew coming up on Father's Day that she would likely not spend even half as much on me as I spent on her for Mother's Day. No big deal, I don't really need anything anyways.
So yesterday, she was excited to give me my present and we were bored so she just gave it to me early. It was a little gift bag with something stuffed in it. First thing i pull out is a canvas bag folded up. I thought it was odd, maybe a clue? Are we going somewhere overnight?
Next a watch. Not a nice watch in a box, but a stiff cheap watch in a clear plastic wrapper. I have never worn a watch and don't like em. So now i am really confused.
Get to the bottom of the bag and there is a new bottle of cologne. I don't wear cologne. Haven't for nearly 10 years. I thought maybe i could wear it, but I really don't want to. She then told me the other things came with the cologne. I just stared at it. I didn't know what to say.
She asked what was wrong and i just laughed. She asked what was so funny and I said "I don't wear cologne". She started crying and went in the bedroom and closed the door. She's come out and we have talked a bit, but really for the past 24 hours she has been acting like she did when she was depressed. Just this empty stare. Besides taking the stuff back and picking up some fast food, I've just hung out with the kids and hardly seen her for Father's Day.
I've never been good at faking reactions to gifts, and I am sure I could have handled it better, but I really didn't know what to say.
Noumenology: Jesus Christ no wonder your wife was depressed
lsirius: Right? Probably situational depression at having someone who so blatantly doesn't care about her feelings as a spouse.
braulio09: wtf is your problem? where do you get this idea that he is forced to lie to her? how about the fact that his wife doesn't know he doesn't wear cologne and hasn't done so in 10 years? she is obviously too self-involved right now.
it's a relationship with trouble but in no way is this only the guy's fault. returning it was hurtful but it would also hurt me that my partner doesn't know anything about me after being married with kids.
lsirius: My husband is sitting here asking what the fuck is wrong with you? You don't act like that when someone gives you a gift ever.
braulio09: ah, ok. you're a woman who thinks men are always to blame. tough luck for your husband, I hope he gets the balls to leave you.
lsirius: K have fun living in mom's basement lol
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1402860828 | 1402902969 | t3_287zku | t5_2to41 | 7 | Why_Panda_Why: TIFU by skipping a college interview
My college applications were far from perfect, however, I had a decent foundation. Ex. Class Rank 1/~300, SAT II Math L2 800, SAT II Physics 800, ACT 35, state science awards, excellent recommendations, extracurriculars, etc. Back in late January, Dartmouth offered me a chance to have an interview with an alumni member. I didn't want to make a six hour round trip for the interview so I never responded to the offer. I ended up getting wait-listed. That interview could've made the difference between attending an Ivy League school and attending a public university with $120000+ of impending student debt.
In hindsight, I should have done a lot of things differently throughout the whole college application process. I should have applied to more than four colleges. I shouldn't have written such crazy essays. I should have applied early decision. I should have considered my backup schools more carefully. The list goes on and on. Regardless of how much I hate myself for what's happened, I have to move on and accept the consequences.
Advice for soon to be high school seniors:
-- Consider early decision or restrictive early action to your top choice school
-- Be aware of tuition costs, especially with your backup schools
-- Even if the interview is optional, make every attempt to schedule an interview
-- Ensure that your applications reveal the actual person beyond the raw numbers
-- Don't be afraid to ask for help. You don't have to do it all on your own.
Months of waiting for early action, deferral, regular action, and wait-list decisions is nerve-wracking. Please be careful so you don't make the same mistakes I did.
swiftjab: What's wrong with attending a public universities? Based on your excellent stats, every school should offer you great scholarships. I don't see how going to a public school instead of Dartmouth is a fuck up.
Why_Panda_Why: The fuck up was being an overconfident idiot and applying to only one backup school and not getting any scholarships from the only school that accepted me. That interview may or may not have made a difference but what will always haunt me more than anything is the fact that it might have. And overall, applying to only four schools really is asking for it.
swiftjab: Eh, my friends and I all applied to only 3 - 4 schools (local public universities that would accept anyone with a 3.5+). We all ended up with well paying jobs or prestigious grad and medical schools.
Just transfer if you really can't stand your backup school
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1402862685 | 1402879101 | t3_28827l | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my S/O beat up by bouncers and locked up for aggravated assault because a cop was in the scuffle pile
We thought it'd be fun to go to a strip club, the bouncers gave us shit for having two girls and only one guy, drunk me got so pissed off At the idea of needing a "male escort" I kicked a cone over, lost my shoe and asked my SO to get it for me. Next thing I know he handed me my shoe then was getting pinned to the ground by 5 bouncers and a cop. The cop kept saying "you just hit a cop". He's been in jail all day and there's no end in sight, and I'm really afraid he's going to get in serious trouble. Because of me. And he's so sweet this isn't his sphere of life at all. We are in way over our heads.
DaveV1968: Unless the cop was in uniform or identified himself as a cop beforehand, that isn't an issue. His lawyer should subpoena the strip club for any and all video surveillance tapes from that entire night.
Things will get interesting quickly when that happens.
FromTheIsle: Same thing happened to my friend, but at a concert. I think he jumped the fence and then got tackled by a plain clothes. He obviously fought back because he thought it was just some guy attacking him. Went on his record.
| 3 | 4 | |
1402867790 | 1402944207 | t3_2889kh | t5_2to41 | 110 | SatansMightyBallsack: TIFU by getting scared before my first time
So me and the gf bought condoms just to keep in the house in case things got out of hand one day. We're both virgins by the way. Now somehow things got out of hand right just after putting them in the drawer, so we got one out and put it on me after fooling around a bit. But as soon as it goes on, I get nervous and I start to go down. Not good. I think maybe it'll go back to full power before I put it in, but nope. I just fuck it up completely, can't even get the fucker in her, which scares me even more and makes me completely flopflop and no amount of anything makes it get back to work. Right, no biggie, we both knew it would be awkward first time so we change condom and try again once I get up again. You would think after the first setback, it'd be okay. Nope. This happens 6 times before we just decide to try again another day, and actually plan it so we don't rush into it again, leaving me an embarrassed, ashamed shell of a man who just wanted to curl up and cry.
TL;DR: Tried to lose virginity, got scared, lost boner, went through half a box of condoms, didn't actually lose virginity.
Aubear11885: You're over thinking it man.
Aubear11885: PS don't put it on until right before you drive it home.
Tesabella: Especially if they're the ones with ANY sort of numbing agent in them.
SatansMightyBallsack: They were 'extra safe' so they were the latex equivalent of a cement pipe
Tesabella: Well, beware of the ones with numbing agents for lasting "Extra long" because sometimes they can utterly kill boners (and if you get the lube anywhere near the vag, problems will be had)
TwistedPerson: I did not know that. It might explain why they make me feel almost nothing. I can last ages without them, so I'll be binning all of those now.
Tom01111: You wondered why the numbing agent condoms made you feel almost nothing?
TwistedPerson: I didn't know they contained numbing agents. Not sure if that came across in my post correctly or not.
| 9 | 12.222222 |
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