start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1402868587 | 1402870585 | t3_288aq5 | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by having rebound sex with an ex.
So this girl, "A", and I haven't dated for very long, but we developed some strong feelings for each other rather quickly. She ends up taking a job out of town and moved away. I was willing to do a LDR, but she told me she didn't want to and broke up with me. She said she wanted to stay in touch but not in a relationship. I figured that was just her nice way of saying, "I want to see other people".
I haven't talked to or contacted her since then and spent the following week trying to forget about "A". I got lonely and contacted another ex-gf of mine, "B". She lived a couple of hours away from me so I ended up driving down to see her. We spent the day together catching up and hanging out. I actually had a lot of fun. We planned to go to a bar after dinner. I booked a hotel just in case I got too fucked up to drive back that night. After a couple of drinks at the bar, we got a little frisky and ended up back in my hotel room and had some sexy times.
Sometime in the middle of the night, my phone starts vibrating and woke me and "B" up. "B" picks up the phone and hands it to me. It was "A" calling me. Obviously I didn't answer. "A" leaves a voice mail. I'm pretty sure "B" saw "A's" name on my phone but I never brought her up in previous conversations. I checked the voice mail later and "A" called because she was thinking of me and was hoping to catch me awake and wanted to talk.
I called "A" back the next day and she said she missed me and wants me to visit her. Also, she was planned on visiting and seeing me as well. wtf.
What do I do Reddit?
spliffunk: So let me get this straight, you're single, have two girls who wanna fuck you, and you all live in 3 different towns so there is zero chance of one catching you with the other. Not really seeing the problem here bro, enjoy it while it lasts!
I_want_hard_work: Yeah I really have nothing to add, this comment sums it up pretty well. Kelso from That 70's Show phrased it perfectly: just juggle both of them until it blows up in your face.
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1402869997 | 1402967014 | t3_288cp8 | t5_2to41 | 120 | Rookierabbit: TIFU by getting head from my girlfriend
So my girlfriend and I have been dating almost three months and this morning she gave me head for the first time. We've had sex plenty but she sees bj's as a kind of reward and apparently I did something right. Anyways, she starts at it and I instantly started wondering if she spits or swallows, but I didn't want to interrupt and ask so I figured, fuck it, I'll just find out later. That's where I fucked up. Being a gentleman, I warn her right as I'm about to cum, and she literally jumps backwards, letting my dick drop on my stomach (I'm laying on my back). By then it's too late to do anything and I take my entire load to the face. She starts laughing hysterically while I sulk away to the shower to wash the cum out of my eyes, mouth and beard...
Turd_in_the_hole: A similar thing happened to me when I lost my virginity. But anyway, I see 2 problems for you:
1- blowjobs are a "reward". This is a misconception- you must help her come to understand they're a routine necessity for a healthy mind and well functioning organ!
2-she doesn't like cum in her mouth. Not sure how you go about remedying that, but it sounds like your on the right track- cover yourself in it, lick it up and show her there's nothing to fear.
HopelessSemantic: Blowjobs are not a necessity.
chudsosoft: Neither are relationships with the opposite sex. It's about desire and there's nothing wrong with desiring a fucking BJ.
HopelessSemantic: True, as long as you acknowledge that there's nothing wrong with someone not wanting to give them.
Also, I was responding to someone who said that they were a necessity, so I don't know where your hostility is coming from.
FuckinUpMyZoom: and in that case you need to acknowledge that we don't have to stay with someone who can't bear the thought of blowing us.
HopelessSemantic: That's true, though it seems like a stupid reason to break up with someone.
FuckinUpMyZoom: really? why do you think that?
I don't think many women have problems leaving guys who can't please them in the bedroom. In fact they do quite often.
why is this any different?
HopelessSemantic: Why is a specific act required in order for a person to be pleased in the bedroom? If a girl will do everything else that you want her to do, but not oral, I don't see the reason to break up with her because of it.
FuckinUpMyZoom: why is it a problem to do that act?
If I love someone, I'd do litterally anything for them and for their happiness.
Why would I stay in a relationship with someone like this who obviously doesn't feel the same way, they don't feel about me the way I feel about them because they can bring themselves to do something so simple.
Yes its easy to say if the guy really loved her then he wouldn't care about blowjobs.
but if she really loved him she would happily give them.
you can't point the finger in any direction.
(also I'm curious, what exactly do you think I'm asking her to do when you say "everything else" because if you mean have sex then you nailed it, but why does engaging in a mutual sexual act preclude her from occasionally giving and not receiving?)
HopelessSemantic: Would you do it even if it made you miserable? More importantly, would you expect someone you love to do it even if it made them miserable?
If it's about being selfish, that's one thing. However, there are plenty of reasons to not give oral. Maybe they had a bad experience and doing it is traumatic for them. Maybe they have a really sensitive gag reflex and it makes them throw up. Maybe their partner is overly well endowed and it's physically painful to attempt.
Some people do more than just straight sex and blowjobs.
FuckinUpMyZoom: i fully agree it depends on the reason.
but the act itself shouldn't be cause of misery.
I'm not saying she has to deepthroat it, give it a lick, its the thought that counts.
its a selfless act. I don't particularly get anything from sticking my face in a girls snatch, its really nothing I'd recommend, but I do it for her because I care. if she makes no effort to reciprocate it then thats a problem.
its not about demanding blowjobs, or getting sex, or even getting off, guys get off a lot but its one of the few sex acts where we aren't trying to perform. sex can be pretty stressful for a guy, sometimes its nice to just be taken care of for once. instead of always being the one to do the pleasing.
HopelessSemantic: Well, if it is something that causes misery, I would generally expect people to be okay not getting it. If there was something I liked that made my husband miserable, I wouldn't expect him to do it. He would like blowjobs, but he understands that I can't, for multiple reasons.
In the interest of not seeming selfish, those reasons are as follows : Putting anything that isn't food/drink/candy in my mouth tends to make me gag immediately. Brushing my teeth is horrible, but kind of a necessity. Spending an hour trying to get my husband's monster cock in my mouth without gagging is not. It's also big enough that I literally have to open my mouth all the way to get it in there, and that becomes painful after about a minute. To top it all off, I have trouble with my throat that makes it hard to eat or drink half the time, so extracurricular mouth activities are out of the question.
To be fair, I don't expect my husband to go down on me either, and I do things that are just for him. Hell, I've given him complete showers, which sounds weird, but he likes feeling taken care of, and I like taking care of him. Sometimes you just have to respect your partner's limitations.
| 13 | 9.230769 | |
1402869000 | 1402883806 | t3_288bbc | t5_2to41 | 14 | MommaDerp: TIFU by being honest with my Mother In Law
This happened about an hour ago.
We go to my inlaws every Sunday for an early supper. They are our only family in our area, and in general, they don't interact with us during the week. They certainly never go out of their way to do so. We have 2 children, so it's disappointing that they don't want to spend time with the kids. So we come to them.
My Father In Law has something against seasoning food. One of his favourite meals is baked chickens. Using a little generic seasoning salt and becel margarine. It is the most bland flavoured meal. It always comes out tasting like boiled chicken and it's greasy as all heck. I've gone out of my way to avoid this meal for the last 5 years.
Anyway, I didn't know what was for supper, and when revealed to me, I pulled a face. Unintentionally. I have no poker face. My MIL asked what was wrong and I revealed to her how I feel about the chicken as delicately as possible. She tried to defend it and say she could fix it, but I know my FIL would just have a fit if she touched the way he does it. I tried to reassure her that I will have plenty to eat of the veggies and make due, but she's pretty unhappy and feels badly.
I'm still at their house, feeling like an uncomfortable seal. Not sure what to do but sweat it out :(
YourMajest1: It sounds like you're living in an episode of some NBC sitcom that's going to be cancelled in a couple of episodes.
MommaDerp: Except it's my life and I hope that keeps on for a while yet ;P
YourMajest1: *NBC will decide. Not you.*
MommaDerp: As long as it's not FOX!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1402870034 | 1403289248 | t3_288cr8 | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting reddit and windows update conspire to make my SO think i'm gay
I'm lying in the bedroom with my laptop at around 9 PM, and my SO is in the living room watching tv. We allready decided to take a bath together before going to bed.
I'm browsing reddit when I get the message that my pc will be updating in 15 minutes. I had just discovered the RANDOMNSFW button, and decided to spend these 15 minutes clicking on this button, to see if maybe I have a fetish I'm not aware about.
My computer shuts down, I run the bath and me and my SO get to business. While we're doing the deed I play with her asshole a bit when the position we're in allows it. We've done actual anal sex once, and she said she didn't like it ( too painfull and strange ), but just a finger never seemed to put her off.
Afterwards we're lying in bed, and as I'm logging in on my laptop my SO asks if "that thing I did" is something I'm really into. I assure her this is not the case, that is was just a spur of the moment kind of thing, that I'm not obsessed about anal etc....
Right then and there google chrome opens up, and recovers all of my tabs from before the update, including the last RANDOMNSFW, wich happens to be... ( hint, RANDOMNSFW also includes gay porn subreddits )
holnrew: Ugh, liking anal stuff is nothing to do with being gay or not. Why do people think it is?
I like to put things in my bum, I like to but my thing in ladies' bums. But I like boobies too much to be gay.
DR_McBUTTFUCK: Bisexuality, the best of both worlds. Prince martell would be proud.
[deleted]: "In love I don't choose sides."
Also: /r/gayforoberyn
DR_McBUTTFUCK: Oberyn isn't gay though.
[deleted]: But you can be gay for him.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1402869764 | 1403114517 | t3_288cep | t5_2to41 | 78 | [deleted]: TIFU by browsing /r/TIFU
So I was browsing reddit while my family was out and decided to put my headphones on and blast music while browsing TIFU. This goes on for about 10 minutes before I realize my Mom is standing in the door looking at me reading about some guy using a bar of soap to take his anal virginity. My mom just took my laptop and started browsing through TIFU and saw some of the "weirder posts". I'm pretty sure she has read through all of the top fuck ups like having gay sex when some guy was 6, showing your dick on chatroulette, kicking a kid with down syndrome etc. My parents are insanely pissed at me and my summer might be ruined now.
Well, looks like I won't have my laptop back for a while e.e
Also, should I tag this as NSFW?
BladeMonkey: That's not you fucking up, that's your mom overreacting.
Cproo12: Depends on how old OP is.
BladeMonkey: True, but unless OP is pretty young and the lesson is supposed to be that they shouldn't read things like that, then punishing them for something others post doesn't make a lot of sense.
[deleted]: I still live at home (I'm 19) and my Mum would still get extremely angry at me if she saw me reading anything on TIFU. It's just how some parents are.
Agent_545: I think she's the one with the problem then. You're a big boy.
sodax: A big boy who still has to live under the rules and regulations of the house he's living in though, unfortunately, she has the authority to act in such a way.
ramones365: "Don't read things on the internet involving soapy sodomy" is a very interesting rule.
sodax: lol a good one though.
| 9 | 8.666667 | |
1402871100 | 1402873283 | t3_288e6v | t5_2to41 | 9 | SuperLlama123: TIFU By getting wasted and declaring my undying love to one of my close friends over IM
So.... it's my friends (lets call him max) seventeenth birthday party, the beer pong is set up and I'm the only one from the college group that has turned up. seeing this has somewhat upset him I decide to get I and he more drunk than we've ever been.
To do this I poured a large amount of vodka into each of the plastic cups and we start playing. (on a side note, my friend has irish blood and has a large tolerance to alcohol.... I do not)
fast forward three hours and we are sat in his bedroom drinking beer and watch the world cup coverage, this is when I realise that I'm completely in love with a girl on my college course, lets call her Anna.
I tell Max and he suggests in a taking advantage of a drunk man kinda way that I tell her this over facebook chat as she wasn't currently present.
I sign into facebook and see that she is offline to which I decide to make a status, tag her in it and continue to write awful drunken poetry that spells out my feelings for her.
as this is a public status, everyone has seen it, it has now been screenshotted and shared.
fuck
[deleted]: post what you said to the girl on Facebook.
SuperLlama123: huh?
[deleted]: see edit.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1402869388 | 1402876105 | t3_288bum | t5_2to41 | 50 | baozichi: TIFU by eating a sandwich while rushing to work
I was going to make a throwaway account, but honestly, who cares. There's no personal information on here, and I don't really care if people from other subreddits ever read this.
I had about 2 hours of sleep last night, and several appointments this morning (even though it's Sunday). I rushed out the door this morning and grabbed a premade sandwich from a gas station since I was in a hurry and there was no time for breakfast. I didn't have time to eat it, so I put it in my office fridge and got to work. After my initial morning obligation, I had a few hours to kill before an important meeting. So I decided to take a nap.
I set me phone alarm, but I apparently slept through it. I got up and realized I had about 5 minutes to make a 10 minute walk, so I grabbed my sandwich and started eating it. I made it with a minute to spare so I stopped at a restroom that I always use, that is entirely void of people, also recall this is Sunday, there's nobody here. There was nowhere to sit down my things, so I strapped my bag over my shoulder and put the sandwich in my mouth and walked over to the urinal.
As soon as I started to pee, something oozed out of the back of the sandwich hanging out of my mouth. It was some sort of chicken salad liquid and it got everywhere... except my clothes thank god. It was dead empty, and nobody was around, so without thinking I left my jimmy hanging out of my pants and turned around with the intent to rinse them of before putting my junk back in my pants so I didn't get slimy crap all over my clothes.
When I turned around, some dude walked right in. So there I am with chicken salad stuff all over my hands, sandwich in my mouth, dick hanging out, staring a random kid in the face...
:(
[deleted]: [Kid's reaction!]
(http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/disgstd.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/ThreadbareUnhealthyArcticwolf](http://gfycat.com/ThreadbareUnhealthyArcticwolf)
---
^(GIF size: 1.28 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:88.62 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1402873156 | 1402904041 | t3_288gz4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by not being good enough at work.
I just got my first summer job about 3 weeks ago. I went into work this morning and a phone call from the boss was waiting for me telling me that I need to go back for training. I suck so bad. It's a dessert shop in a tourist location and I used Vanilla dressing instead of cream cheese (come on, it would still taste okay), by accidentally not charging someone for 11$ and for just sucking in general. I feel so crappy and just want to quit. Pretty sure the other workers already hate me.
P_for_Psychic: Sounds like your trainers are the ones who suck, not you. Keep your head up. Vanilla sounds way better than cream cheese anyway :)
unbirthdaygurl: Thanks. :) This has been haunting me all day, been seriously upset about it.
PlutoPlanet: It's like being the new kid in a small school.. They're only the new kid until someone else new transfers in.
Once someone else makes a mistake they'll forget all about it.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1402873788 | 1402879986 | t3_288ht5 | t5_2to41 | 20 | stxfup: Tifu my friendship by joking that my son died
I'm not a father never have been. Last night I was drinking when a friend sends me a message:
Her: "happy Father's day, if you're not a father disregard"
Me: "no, no I'm not a father. Not since he died in his sleep. I haven't talked to her either since she left me that night."
Her: "OMG I'm so sorry!!"
Me: "oh its ok I was just kidding"
Her: " wtf? Really? You're evil, evil!"
Our friendship ended.
bbrpst: Why did it end cause of this? Its a dark joke, but still a joke
stxfup: Apparently another of her friends had 3 miscarriages and that it wasn't something to joke about.
holnrew: She sounds like a boring bitch. Better off without.
| 4 | 5 | |
1402875384 | 1402960160 | t3_288jv8 | t5_2to41 | 20 | TehThrowwawaay: TIFU by jerking off in front of my 10-year-old cousin.
Throwaway because yeah. This was actually about 2 days ago but y'know.
So, it's summer. It's early in the morning, and I don't have to be anywhere, so I lay in bed for a bit. Nobody else seems to be awake in my house. My brilliant mind came up with the idea to masturbate in bed before starting my day of reddit and video games. I close my eyes, and begin. I finished some time later, making a ridiculous face at climax for whatever reason. I open my eyes to see my 10-year-old cousin standing in the doorway. I have no clue how long he's been standing there, but most likely long enough to see my face, and my hand moving up and down around my dick area under my blanket. He turns around and walks away without a word. Awesome. That'll benefit me greatly.
TL;DR: Jerking off in bed with eyes closed under blanket. Finish. Open eyes to see cousin in doorway. He turns around and walks away.
Anchit1: Almost all fuck ups related to masturbation can be avoided if you just close the god damn door.
But no. You want your granny/cousin/mom/whoever-the-fuck-that-knows-you to walk in and see you jerking off your weiner.
You deserved it mate.
[deleted]: Sometimes it's not that simple. Lots of parents won't let their kids shut the door for safety reasons.
Protassium: "Safety reasons"
| 4 | 5 | |
1402876689 | 1402886628 | t3_288lkm | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by zoning out
I was working at my boring checkout job yesterday. I get so bored my mind usually wanders while I'm on the job. I was serving a lady and her family l.We still have old style registers that take forever to print a reciept.As I was waiting for the reciept to print, I was just staring into space not thinking of anything really, Then all of a sudden the lady yells "ITS RUDE TO STARE YOU KNOW" I snapped back into reality and relised this woman had her arm amputated from the elbow down and in its place was a large metal hook And I had been staring right at the hook! Everyone was now now starting at me. Instead of apologizing and explaining I wasn't staring I just went bright red, gave her change and managed to stutter "have a nice day" Iam still blushing red and feel bad that I didn't explain myself
churrobro: I'm more concerned that she has a hook. Seriously, prosthetics are pretty good now, just. What are you going to do with a hook anyways?
WellItWasHard: [Hook stuff](http://i1.wp.com/memecollection.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/guess-who-captain-hook-edition.jpg?resize=650%2C856)
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1402868518 | 1402899897 | t3_288an3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | nuclearfoodpower: TIFU by putting deep heat on my hands (possibly NSFW)
I tend to put deep heat on my wrists when I play drums, dont know why, just do....anyway, so ive gone to muck around on my drum kit for about an hour (seem really long but, hey, it relieves my stress) and being a male, decided to rub one off, felt like wasp stings, the worst part was that my religious nana was staying, so she barged into the toilet to see her 17y/o grandson in pain with his junk out and hard in pain, to which she walked out and went to the lounge............. i was expecting to get a talking to about the whole sex thing...........haven't seen her since
*note: this happened about two days ago....that and I struggle with explaining things
wheeler9691: I plays drums as well and would like to know one thing, What is Deep Heat?
Shadrixian: http://www.mentholatum.com.au/brands/deep-heat/ I can assume it's like IcyHot
| 3 | 1 | |
1402878279 | 1402889039 | t3_288nri | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Tifu By trusting a friend to drive me without a learner
its not really today but like a year or two back, so my friends dad went a trip and left him alone with the car keys in the house and being 15 we all do stupid things and his was to drive around without his dads permission and not having his license, not even a learners.
So he's been driving for the past three days and asks me and two other friends if we wanted to cruise. We were pretty dumb to trust him, but we did And that was a big mistake. Why you ask? Because he did two hit and run, and from that panicked driving he did not realize he was in a school zone (40 km/h speed limit) he was going friggin 90-100 km/h and there was a yield sign ahead he did not notice and little did we know hit a car, we were driving an SUV and thank god we did cause otherwise if we were in a car loosing the control of the car and hitting a house and going in one of them.... it would've lead to our deaths. luckily we all made it Alive and police death with him and I believe there's a 200k fine for all the damages.
TLDR; Don't be an idiot kids, it might cost ya.
[deleted]: That's not a single fuck up. That's a whole clusterfuck of fuckups.
Lolmanthecod: Dude it was a shit day. Soo much fuckups... Unreal!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402879327 | 1402946146 | t3_288p5a | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by selling some things on eBay
So this is actually something that started 2 months ago.
So mid April my S/O and I were having some budget issues (end of the semester blues) and we decided to throw some of our unwanted items on the great old internet. Most of it sold no issues then came the purse. For Christmas my s/o was given a fairly nice Coach bag by her great aunt (a rare gift from that side of the family) unfortunately she never uses purses so while an expensive gift, it was essentially pointless. With great reluctance she decided to sell it.
First few tries there was almost no activity and no one wanted it. Then an offer popped up for just under what we wanted so we jumped on it. The person paid.....eCheck, wait a week for paypal to clear it, no big the buyer got a message and said it was okay.
Payment clears, purse sent off, money taken out and spent on essentials. 2 weeks roll by and the buyer messages asking where it is; tracking has no info since it left the post office. They said it's okay as long as it's on the way. Three weeks, still in limbo, buyer is nervous by now, we are too.
24 days from sending it they open a case, I can understand why but I have no clue what the post office has done, its insured for the full cost (even shipping paid by buyer) but that takes forever.
Suddenly case escalates while I am contacting postal offices in both cities. Before I can respond eBay closes it and refunds the buyer. Now the item has been delivered but eBay told me today that it doesn't matter it was too late and we owe them the money back.
sameoldnigga: just out of curiosity, what did you sell the bag for? (i.e. how much money)
JimmyKillsAlot: $100 plus shipping.
sameoldnigga: and now you don't have the bag and you wont be collecting the money? thats rough OP, im sorry
JimmyKillsAlot: Don't have the bag, collected the money but now eBay wants us to pay them back so almost as bad, seeing as it's sacrificing an account that actually has a good reputation.
| 5 | 1 | |
1402881486 | 1402973838 | t3_288s0l | t5_2to41 | 15 | athomas00011: TIFU also by jerking off while driving!
I'm not even gonna use a throwaway cause I already told my friends about it and we had a laugh but last week while I was delivering a pizza, I ALSO had a rager that would not seem to minimize volume. Instead of waiting until I got to the customers house, I decided to make it a challenge. I was on the interstate and had about 3 exits to go. I whipped it out and started jerking furiously, around the same time this bomb ass song came on so i was jerking to the beat pretty much. I got to the exit at that before-precum stage, but you know its about to blow, so I got to the light and decided it was too late to call it quits when I had already mentally accepted this challenge minutes before. So just as I pop one off and its all said and done, this Ford Explorer pulls up beside me and this old black woman in a church hat just stares at me with the most disgusted look on her face I had ever seen in real life. She ended up calling my manager and telling her exactly what she had seen on her ride home from church and it was awkward as shit the next day at work, but the best part of this story is, I didn't even get fired! wtf are the odds of getting caught jerking off at work, having some COMPLAIN, and keep your job?! but all in all its all good cause managers cool and told me she isn't gonna tell the other workers and its our joke now. But WTF.
TzucciMane: LOL glorious. I actually used to have this girl text me while I worked at a pizza place and she was turned on so much by public stuff she'd occasionally convince me to make a video or something during a delivery. Rarely that would lead to a full on session start to finish, but it did happen once or twice lol. Only a few minutes late on the delivery and no one ever found out lol. God I can only imagine being caught bro!!!
athomas00011: Yeah it wasn't the best part of my day but thats so weird because the manager that got the call also sucked my dick before she got the job there so we were in similar situations!
TzucciMane: LOL. Wow this just gets better and better.
mythrowawayresponse: Hrm... contrary to popular belief pizza staffers are FREAKS! ... I'll need to tip them better knowing this!
TzucciMane: Lmao, yah maybe so. Maybe so ;)
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1402878819 | 1403158711 | t3_288ogw | t5_2to41 | 4 | Pm_me_dem_potatoes: Tifu by switching to mobile data.
I really fucked up a few days ago but the aftermath just hit me. It was last Wednesday and I just arrived home from costco and had a raging boner. I asked my mom for the keys and ran to the bathroom. I peed in a very awkward position and proceeded to jack off. I pull out my phone and open up internet. The problem is sometimes my router goes full retard and stops working which is easily fixable by resetting it, but im too lazy and it would make it to obvious.
So I'm standing up ready to masturbate but I have no porn. Normally I can jack off without porn by using my fantastic imagination but I really wanted to hear some moaning so I switched to mobile data and proceeded to look up pornhub on incognito. I get to the website and find the perfect video, but it's not working. After a few minutes I give up the conquest and jack off with my eyes closed imagining my self going down on my crush.
Yesterday I was out shopping clothes with my mom and tried to look up prices but my mobile data didn't work so i shot a text at my dad telling him about the problem. About an hour later I before I arrive home it starts to work I start browsing reddit and forget about it.
This morning though I couldn't help to ask my dad why my mobile data wasn't working and he told me because I went on an inappropriate website. Now at this point I knew he knew what website I was on and so I just stood there awkward and said and I quote "hmm thats weird I don't even use my phone's internet." He keeps looking at me not one word leaves his mouth. Luckily I knew this technique because of reddit and knew how to react to it. I turned around and walked away and am now in my room typing this.
Tl;dr mobile data not even once.
nhebert1987: What "technique" is this that you are referring to?
TrippyAzN: I would like to know this technique too. My guess is to deny and make it seem like it was someone else? Lol
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402879023 | 1402941005 | t3_288opt | t5_2to41 | 38 | SchizophrenicSanity: TIFU by taking shrooms and walking through a sunny meadow :)
Ended up covered in fucking ticks. Ticks everywhere. You don't understand. I have never seen that many in my life. I counted over 100 in the watercooler where I quarantined my clothes [will try to get my friend to send me the picture]. But wait, that's the not the fuck up. I spent about 15 minutes picking at a freckle because I **KNEW** it was a tick. ಠ_ಠ
____
____
Edit: Thank you to everyone overly concerned about lyme. I'm actually a bit of an expert on the topic as I live in east bumble fuck. Tick checks are a daily routine, sometimes multiple times a day. The fact that I didn't realize my freckle was a freckle is why I decided to post. There is also a lot of great advice about ticks in the comments for everyone else :)
A lot of people fear ticks arbitrarily. To be honest, you've got a pretty large window to find them before disease transmission is even possible--after that, it's still a pretty low frequency of transmission or even carrier population.
The hyperbole is caused by fearful house wives of suburbanite that aren't accustom to doing tick checks and might not realize until it's too late. You've gotta be pretty fucking un-self-aware before a tick can really become a major issue (notwithstanding hair and inner/upper ears). Then again, idiots don't know they're pregent or have botflies in their skin...so I guess there is just a bunch of unselfaware types out there.
**Tl;dr**
Yes, most of what you read about ticks is true, but honestly they're so simple to pick off it's ridiculous. Everyone makes it seem like they're going to dig in like aliens and cause super aids, but the reality is they're just annoying bugs you pinch (NOT SQUEEZE!) and remove. Don't be paranoid about it, just fucking do it if you get one. Flush 'em down the toilet or burn them. DO NOT RELEASE.
oshawott85: Sorry but you might want to watch out for these, especially Lyme since that's the one I hear most often about. http://www.cdc.gov/ticks/diseases/
HopelessSemantic: I'm pretty sure that's only if you actually get bitten. As long as OP removed all the ticks before being bitten (and you KNOW if a tick has bitten you), they should be fine.
kanasio: I dunno, man. Whenever I hunt, I'll be sitting with nothing to distract me from any sort of sensations, and when I get back inside and do the regular tick check, I'll find a few that I didn't know were there before. They can be sneaky little buggers!
HopelessSemantic: I know, but they don't bite you right away, they hang out for a while. When they bite you they stick their heads underneath your skin.
Glitch198: On top of that only deer ticks (unfortunately the smallest of ticks) have lyme disease, and not all of them have it. I have had a few ticks bite me before, but since they were large for a tick, I knew they weren't going to be too bad. They don't even hurt if you pull them out right.
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1402882174 | 1402885526 | t3_288swa | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU for shaving my nuts for the first time at 24 years old. And I have a date in 2 hours.
Thought, "Oh, what a lovely opportunity to try having hairless nuts!" So I used my electric razor to look all nice and tidy. Since I never did it before, I was not familiar with what "oh my god stop shaving yourself, man" would feel like, so i just hurried and got it done. I groom dogs, which makes this a million times worse because I NEVER have done this to a dog, just to, you know, my half-baby carriers. If it was a clipper blade, I'd guess it was a #10. Not sure what the human equivalent is. Any who. Lot of blood. Not like I need to go the hospital amount, but enough that they hurt. And it looks pretty obvious. And my date for sure will be seeing them. Which will probably lead to me putting my pants back on. FML.
nignog415: Trimming is your friend. I use a stubble razor (for the general groin area) and scissors. If I want to put my nuts in her mouth, I use a Gillette Fusion... very carefully. Electric razors of any kind should not be near your testicles, as you will receive lacerations.
WellItWasHard: For me *his, but thanks for the advice!
ProPuke: Don't sweat it then. He'll understand. We've all done it.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1402878510 | 1402937155 | t3_288o38 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by having kinky sex [NSFW]
Well it was about a week ago, but my girl and I are pretty sure I tore ligaments in her shoulder by using the belt I had her hands tied behind her back with as leverage. She may need surgery.
Tastygroove: Let this be a lesson to anyon here. DO NOT casually enter into the world of bdsm without research. you need training/research or you will hurt the person you love most. If you cause actual harm to someone while being intimate THEY ARE LIKELY TO NEVER FORGIVE YOU even if they say they do. PTSD is a real mood killer. The risk of guilt and regret for a lifetime is not worth a cheap, amature thrill. THIS IS NOT A SPUR OF THE MOMENT ACTIVITY.
Remeber the story above so you can give it as warning / reminder to others.
[deleted]: I appreciate it, but I'm almost thirty and she and I have been together the better part of a decade. We're not what you'd call "novices". This was more a case of...erm... temporary overenthusiasm. We're parents and we had the house to ourselves for the first time in two years.
More a warning to stretch properly before any strenuous physical activity.
| 3 | 4 | |
1402883938 | 1402886765 | t3_288v7g | t5_2to41 | 6 | OopsIJackedOff: TIFU by masturbating
So to start the story, I did NoFap and I lasted just over 5 months.
I was home alone all day today and I got a bit horny so I thought I'd wack one (or two) out. So I tug one out and I take about an hour break. I start once more and I last like 20 minutes. Just recently, I figured I'd get out more out before anyone gets some but when I look down at my dick, it is swollen. I fucked up. I'm not exactly sure what to do so I'm just going to leave it alone and maybe ice it. My horniness got the best of me and now I'm paying for it.
CodeMonkeys: I doubt abstaining had anything to do with it. I've abstained for a few months before and had nothing like that. I don't think that's your horniness getting the better of you so much as some third party factor causing a swollen dick after doing something that almost definitely should not be causing swollen dick.
Can't think of anything it'd be off-hand, at any rate. If the swelling persists for like a day, or anything else pops up of note in that area, see a doctor I suppose.
Teotwawki69: > off-hand
ಠ_ಠ
CodeMonkeys: Well, there are worse unintentional innuendos.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1402886076 | 1402889028 | t3_288y8y | t5_2to41 | 16 | Casem0: TIFU By using a nasal strip after getting a nasty sunburn
Not much of a story for this one. Went to the lake Friday and got a decent sunburn. I was in a vitamin d afterglow, so Saturday night I popped some melatonin capsules and put a nasal strip on to get a fantastic nights sleep.
Pulled the strip of in the AM. Now I have a perfectly pale negative of the nasal strip against my beet red face.
smeo: Pictures
timmypbass: Smells
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1402888291 | 1402924716 | t3_2891ii | t5_2to41 | 197 | [deleted]: Tifu by showing my grandma my vagina mustache
Let me paint you this picture. Tonight at fathers day dinner, my sister brought a bunch of stick on mustaches for the girls to wear (because we are odd like that). Well I thought it would be hilarious to go into the washroom and give my lady bits a mustache and take a picture to send to my gf. Well silly me forgot to delete the picture, so when trying to show my grandma a video on my phone later, I forgot about that photo and swiped right and BAM!! Handle bar mustache kooch right in grandmas face.
And that's how I f'd up today folks.
octavesemitone: haha
RockinOutCockOut: ahah
| 3 | 65.666667 | |
1402891085 | 1402901259 | t3_289547 | t5_2to41 | 10 | mrdaveharry: TIFU by hitting the bong before work
I barley smoke. I've smoked a few times with friends in the past but never really felt it. So I thought it would be a great idea to go to work high as fuck (I'm a pizza delivery driver). So I call my friend and go to his house an hour before work. I take like 5 nice hits and then it hit me. I felt like I was breaking through shield and all my senses were active. So I said thank you and randomly left. But when I was walking to my car I was seeing everything like my eyes were a strobe light (idk if you understand). Then i started running to the house but it felt like I was on an escalator. I was panicking. I told them to call my job and tell them that I couldn't go in but they said I just needed to relax. We went and started watching the world cup, but my hear was beating fast as hell and I started to get cotton mouth. I was spitting all over the floor and my friends thought i was just joking and wasn't high. My friend say "Cmon its just a little weed dude," when he said that i freaked the fuck out for some reason. We then went on to exercise, walk around the block, and then go for a test car drive. When I got in the car it was like a video game. I was driving and everything seemed happy and normal. My friends convinced my I was fine, so i headed to work. I was the last delivery boy there and I was freaking out. I thought that two of the guys I worked with knew I was high and were fucking with me. They were trying to make me believe that they were going to kill one of the other guys at my job (so I thought). But the whole time I was high it was kinda like a PSA on not doing drugs. So I would hear people saying things that referenced me being high. Like I heard different sayings such as "You thought you could do delivery while you're moaning", "Really man!", "Your a liar", "He probably came from a bad family". It was all in my head. I was even hallucinating. I was seeing people laughing at me hysterically and I was yelling to them "I get it, I get it." I was tripping balls. So then what made it worse was that I got a special delivery just for me. I thought that the guys at my job knew I was high and were gonna send me some place to get me killed. When I went to my car, I started crying and sat in the car. All of a sudden a police car is behind me. He was going to arrest me (so I thought). He approached my window and told me to move my parked car. I then went on and left and went to the address. It was my friends and they were checking u on me and seeing how I was doing. They thought I was fine but I was tripping. I thought I was gonna crash. Then my memory started to skip I was moving from place to place without knowing how I got there. I was in my car, then in the pizza shop, then at someones house. I then decided to call my friend. He said he would drive for me, he came in about an hour and did the rest of my deliveries, while I was in the passenger seat cooling down. I could have gotten fired from my little job fro that. I surprised my bosses didn't realize (It was probably because the Italy game was on). But yeah there was more that happened that I can't really explain without it being very confusing. But overall it was an educational experience.
TL;DR
Smoked way to much. Got stoned. Got paranoid. Tried to deliver pizza.
Sven_88: Are you sure it was just weed?
mrdaveharry: Thats what he said it was. I barley smoke though and I was using his new bong, so maybe that had a lot to do with it.
Sven_88: Damn man. Glad you're ok though. That sound like it was no fun at all.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1402892765 | 1402939348 | t3_289796 | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by being shitfaced and trying to get sexy times with the wife.
So the wife and I were making out, and she commented that my beard is to long now, its to rough, it needs to go. I have to agree. Im supposed to be clean shaven for work. I havent shaved in almost two weeks.
I try and bargain some sexy time out of it (my dick is still working tonight yay) and she laughs. She says she's not in the mood, but if I want to do some gardening she'll make it worth my while.
Now let me preface this by saying that I usually keep everything down there fairly under control. I don't shave it because I don't like looking like im 12 and haven't gone through puberty. But it's neatly trimmed back, and respectable. I keep that shit under wraps. Lately though, between the stress of work, school, general life stuff or whatever bullshit I choose to justify this by, my landscaping has fallen by the way side.
Typically I use scissors, because im not shitfaced when I do it. Dont worry ladies and gentlemen, this story doesn't involve scissors. I'm shitfaced. Well brilliant me decides to use a pair of trimmers with the guard on it! This is brilliant! Right? Right guys? Nothing can happen with the guard on.
Wrong. Holy mother fucking all that is good in this world wrong. My drunk hands slip and drop it while it's on, the guard touches the side of the counter and flies off, and the trimmers drop onto my unsuspecting testicles.
I let out a bloodcurling scream that would make my 8 year female cousin proud, and the trimmers chop into the side of my ballsack. Wife comes running in to see my holding my bleeding nutsack *and starts laughing*
Fuck me.
[deleted]: God-fucking-damnit, stop saying "sexy times", you sound like you're goddamn ten years old. Jesus Christ, reddit.
custardnom: Get over it.
[deleted]: No.
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1402892857 | 1402988106 | t3_2897cr | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by not calling my dad on Father's Day and it's the first one since his own dad died
he called me to tell me that all four of his other children called him and you only have one father and I'm a piece of shit (he didn't call me a piece of shit but I understood that it was true)
turtlesarerad14: well why didn't you call him?
[deleted]: I was hanging out with him and my mom and one of my brothers on Friday and I thought that was what we were doing for Father's Day, so I didn't think it would be a big deal that I didn't call him two days later on the actual day
turtlesarerad14: oh, I see... well better luck next year
[deleted]: lol even better is that my brother gave him a Father's Day gift and card on Friday and I didn't get him anything because I always forget about Hallmark holidays (im cool like that)
im basically an ungrateful person who forgets his friends and family exist if he doesn't see them on a regular basis... super great wishez 4ever
turtlesarerad14: well, you fucked up :\
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1402895853 | 1402926530 | t3_289ats | t5_2to41 | 1 | Enghiskhan: TIFU by agreeing to babysit
For background, we're moving (my dad, my stepmom, and their babies) and my dad and stepmom need to go to the old house to get some stuff. Our basement it's flooded with junk, and my stepmom wants to go scavenge through it so it's going to be roughly a couple of hours. They need me to babysit my two baby brothers. It's no big deal, I've babysat them before, feed them, changed their diapers etc. I'm about an hour in, when I made some pizza. There's a baby gate separating the dining room and kitchen from the living room. There's a bunch of stuff that needs to be gone through in the kitchen so I kept them out of there until they needed to eat. So i cut up a slice of pizza and carry the littlest one to his seat. I'm about to get the other one until I smell shit. I look down and bam, there's a spot on my shirt. Now this should've made me enter alert mode and track down the little one, but I'm focused on giving them both food. I go into my room and change my shirt. I come back up and hear a bag rustling. "FUCK" I get my ass in gear and run towards the kitchen. Not only was the little toddler going through potentially fragile stuff, but there's shit running down his leg and on his arms. He had diarrhea to such a degree that it turned his diaper into a shredded, soaking conglomerate. At this point the other baby is crying because he's hungry and smells food. I can't deal with him right now. I drag him into the bathroom because he's still leading shit and I'm not going to ruin another shirt. That's not going to work because he's crying and trying to get out and the other baby needs to be watched. I drag him back into the living room and lay him down on the ottoman. I'm frantically looking around for wipes, but I can't find any. They didn't tell me there weren't any wipes. So, I take his diaper off, it's now soaking shit onto the ottoman and I go to wet paper towels, the problem is the baby doesn't want to lay down and tries to get up. I hurry and run back with a handful of half damp half soaking paper towels. I have to clean up shit all over his legs, lower back, and arms. These are wet and don't have alcohol in them so pretty soon I have a half shivering half soaking toddler. I run back into the kitchen and grab some dry paper towels to dry the poor kid off. I notice diarrhea is puddled on his seat and is trailing to the bags of stuff. Damnit, now I have to postpone feeding them until I can clean this literal shit up. Fast forward to about 15 baby crying minutes and about 3 pounds of water and paper towels later and I've finally cleaned the place up. The smell of shit is still in the air, but the babies are eating and have stopped crying. I'm still shivering in horror of the past events and am never babysitting again.
TL;DR: Babysat, and got flooded with unholy fecal matter.
Edit: spelling sucks on a phone
Silverlight42: why on earth would you go change your shirt in the midst of feeding the kids? Or looking after them... I mean... yeah, your shirt's gonna prolly get spitup on or any number of things... change after you're all done. Or yeah just do what I do, stay away from babies.
Enghiskhan: It smelled like shit. I didn't know what it was, and both babies were happily doing something at the time. I was gone for a total of about two minutes.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1402896591 | 1402942633 | t3_289bjf | t5_2to41 | 1,199 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knowing how Ben Wa Balls work (NSFW)
Happened a couple weeks ago actually, Just getting over the embarrassment to write about it. I met a girl at a bar, She was a bigger girl but really pretty face and like my name says...
So we hit it off and talked, drank and played darts, Later at the end of the night she asks If I want to go back to her place, Defiantly. We go back, More drinks, Music, Kissing, The normal stuff. Then we head to the bedroom, clothes flying off, we start off with oral for a while and then she says she is ready, OK its on!
She rolls over and gets in the dogie position and I am about to penetrate her and she stops me and says "hold on" - She reaches into her bottom drawer and pulls out a bag and dumps the contents on the bed, It was a giant back massager (it looked like it could do a WHOLE back at one time) and what looked to me to be Click Clacks (I know I am aging myself here, They were the toy from years ago with 2 resin balls and a plastic handle, The object was to hold the ring in the middle and move them up and down so they would bounce of one another and make the click clack sound).
She takes the massager and puts it between her legs and hands me the balls, Me: "What do I do with these" Her: "You stick them in" Me: "Stick them in what?" Her: "You put them in my asshole" Me: "IN your asshole???" Her: "Yes, They intensify my orgasms, When I get close you need to pull them out, I will tell you when"
OK, I'm down for just about anything, So I lube up the balls and shove them in her butt. Then I do my thing, I'm pumping and she is rubbing the massager and all is well. She then starts telling me to slap her ass, Which I do and she tells me HARDER. OK. I do. We do this for a few and then she says "get ready I am about to cum", I take the ring that is hanging out of her butt and making her look like a Chatty Cathy doll and get ready. Here is where I fucked up, She yells "NOW" and and yank on those balls like I was starting a lawn mower. In my defense I do not believe I had adequate training on how to operate them.
I heard a sound that sounded like a newspaper ripping and immediately smelled a bad smell and felt wet all over me. She had explosive diarrhea all over me, But the worst part was that when I looked down, She had a prolapsed rectum. I grab a towel, Wipe off, throw on my clothes as I call 911, They send paramedics and they walk into the bedroom to see her in the dogie position with her rectum prolapsed and giant red hand marks on her ass checks. They start filling out paperwork - "Patients full name?" - "Uhhhh. Nope, Don't know it". then he asked about what happened... I ran through all the possibilities in my head and got nothing so had to tell the truth. As I am explaining what happen they roll her out on a gurney face down ass up, out the door to the ambulance, With half the neighbors on the lawn watching the spectacle.
The story I will tell my friends is "I fucked the shit of of her, She wont walk right for days" but I will leave out the WHY part.
TLDR: Had sex with a girl, Did not know how to use Ben Wa Balls, Yanked them out and prolapsed her rectum, had to explain to paramedics. Good times
Silvermane2: She was using them wrong herself. Anal beeds are used for pulling out during orgasm
Ben wa balls are used to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles of the vag by holding them in
Nobody to blame but herself
[deleted]: I did not stick around to read the label, I just thought they were Ben wa balls. Perhaps anal beads? I am obviously not an expert in this area.
notfixedbrakeit: Definitely anal beads. Ben wa balls are two seperate balls to be inserted in the vagina. Also, "like a lawnmower"...noice.
Ouaouaron: Ben Wa balls are (often?) connected by a string. If they looked like Click Clacks, they're probably Ben Wa balls. Anal beads would have more than two balls, generally.
OP, did the balls have a weight in them that rolled around separately from the outer surface?
notfixedbrakeit: Really? Interesting, that makes sense actually. Mt GF has a pair not connected by anything and it has always kind of worried me that they will get lost. They haven't, but a string would dispel those worries. Thanks for the info :)
MachinaExDeo: Mount GF? That's an uncharitable nickname...
ozzie_gold_dog: Drive GF:\ Successfully Mounted.
MachinaExDeo: I'm much more of a /mnt/gf kind of guy.
BenjaminGeiger: mount /gf; fsck; umount; sleep
| 10 | 119.9 | |
1402896557 | 1402921941 | t3_289bib | t5_2to41 | 23 | EngFail: TIFU by having to drop out of my University program.
Some backstory. I'm not the most smartest kid, I get middling grades, but I usually do allright. My university has a policy that to continue in my Engineering program, I need to have a 60 average over the year. Coming from highschool where I didn't really try or study at all, I ended up royally fucking up during my first year of University and only got a 55 average. The school ended up giving me a break, and let me retake any courses I didn't get a 60 in(most of them) and ended up getting above a 60 average. That was 3 years ago.
Fast forward to today. I've been done school for the past month and a half, but haven't checked my grades since I've been scared shitless I've failed all of them. So today I told myself everything would be fine, and checked my grades. I passed all of my courses. Now a pass is anything above a 50. Everything looked good, I was happy. Then I saw the little fine print under the grades. "Must drop out of the Faculty of Engineering." I was frozen for a good 2 min, not really grasping what I had just read. Then it hit me. I didn't get a 60 average. I had too many 58's and 59's. My average ended up being 59.2, and since I had already been given a break in my first year, I am fucked. I don't know how to tell my parents that I've basically ruined the last 4 years of my life. That I've wasted thousands of dollars for nothing.
Now I know I could have prevented this. I could have studied harder. But I tried my best. And now I have to live with the consequences. I know all this, but it's still hard. It doesn't help that I've had a minor case of depression since highschool, so this really hurts. I don't know what to do. I'm just straight fucked.
TLDR; I failed my year at university, now I have to drop out. Don't know how to break it to my parents.
[deleted]: This is going to sound harsh, but if you can't maintain a 60% average in your course, maybe engineering isn't right for you. Take some time out from school, get your shit sorted mentally, and go back if and when you are absolutely committed. But if you're not committed to it, college is a waste.
Enthused_Llama: This. If you can't maintain a 60% average then what you're doing isn't right for you.
You could've studied harder, but you didn't -> you found it interesting, but not interesting enough.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1402889468 | 1402942741 | t3_28935j | t5_2to41 | 7 | Lego_Boni: TIFU by wearing headphones
I was sitting at my desk and wearing one of these types of headphones: http://www.touchgen.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/bild2.jpg
Before we get started, if one of you is wearing these types of headphones at your computer and you don't clean your ears, take them off right now. I don't want to encourage any "problems."
Now, I don't clean my ears. I do now, and I will never forget to do it ever again. One of the buds fell off while it was still in my ear and because I never cleaned them, they slipped deep into my ear. I freaked the fuck out because my manly fingers could not reach in a grab them. I tried anyway. I manage to push it at least an extra inch in.
I freaked even more the fuck out and went to my ADHD-OCD younger brother, because it was midnight and everyone else was asleep. I hand him tweezers and ask him to pull out the headphone bud in my ear. He doesn't ask questions, (mainly because I've done worse.) and begins to pick at it. He eventually has to pour a "little" bit of water in to make it float. (REALLY BAD IDEA!) He eventually gets it out and I am just relieved that I didn't lose any hearing. Or so I thought.
Now it's been like, a year. I woke up yesterday with a strange ringing, and now everything I hear out of my right ear sounds like I'm talking with someone through a door. My new headphones work great though.
EDIT: I appreciate everyone's help! It turned out to be impacted earwax, so thanks to all of you who posted that idea!
redoverture: Talk to pharmacist - most likely impacted earwax. Treated w/ medicine put in ear overnight to dissolve earwax. Good luck, OP xD
bartendr412: Debrox is great stuff for that. It is over the counter too.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402899347 | 1402901522 | t3_289eez | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally committing wire fraud
I wouldn't really call it a fuck-up per se, or even MY fuck-up, but today I accidentally defrauded somebody out of a good chunk of change.
I was selling something online that was worth a good amount of money. I was selling this item on an auction site and the winning bid was significantly under what I was hoping to get.
Being new to this auction site, I decided to just relist the item to see if I could get a better price. I check my account a day later and the winning bidder from the first listing has already paid me. A week or so later, the second auction ends. I get a much better price and this time I actually ship the item to the buyer and do it the way you're supposed to.
It's been about three weeks since the first buyer paid me and not only is the money still there, I haven't even gotten so much as a message asking where the item is.
TL;DR: Sold item on auction site, wasn't satisfied with price and relisted it, first buyer paid me, did everything legit with the relisting, get money from both buyers, first buyer hasn't sent any feedback and it's been almost a month.
aldekeyser: Take responsibility and message the original buyer, try to give them their money back.
I_aint_no_queer_puss: In these situations you need to ask yourself:
"Are the white?"
"Are they Christian?"
If they don't meet at least one of these criteria, refunding them isn't worth your time.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402899145 | 1402935546 | t3_289e97 | t5_2to41 | 1 | millameter1: TIFU by tea-bagging my mom
TIFU: I'm an 18 y/o college student home for the summer. Also, this happened like half an hour ago and I can't sleep, so now I'm writing this basking in the horror of what just happened... anyways. So I was in my room just finishing up my "nightly ritual" and I wanted something to drink. I'm completely naked, stumbling through my pitch-black house trying to find the kitchen. My family has drastically changed the layout of our furniture while I was at school, so I didn't have the confidence to walk straight to the kitchen blind. Little did I know, the family dog was asleep in the middle of the living room. I trip over her, and stumble a bit and have no idea which direction I'm facing, so I walk forward until I stub my toe on the corner of the couch and again trip only to have my junk flop into my mother's face.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! She must have fallen asleep on the couch and AHHHHHH I can't stop imagining what just happened :(
TL;DR I tripped naked over my dog in the dark and tea-bagged my mom who fell asleep on the couch.
wiltors42: op DID SHE WAKE?
millameter1: she did... the look on her face is still all I can think about today :( I'm just glad she went to work before I woke up...
ATAT_Driver: The look on her face in a pitch black room?
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1402898579 | 1402939015 | t3_289do2 | t5_2to41 | 22 | loading73percent: TIFU by trying to fix a fan with superglue
So it being summer, it's starting to get hot where I live. My new fan had just broke so I had to bust out an old fan from my garage.
The last time I used it, I broke spinning "hub cap" covering the center of the fan off by pushing a large screwdriver into it, drilling a hole down the center, which also messed up the threads attaching it to the fan. I was really bored that day.
So my solution was to tilt the fan towards the ceiling and squeeze a hefty amount superglue down the hole I made so many years before (the fan was inside a cage so I couldn't just take it out without causing more damage)
So I wait about 10 minutes thinking that was enough time for it all to dry and I try to turn it on.
At first I didn't see anything wrong... Then I start to smell the glue and feel small drops around my face and arms. And I realize the glue hadn't dried and the fan had basically been spinning and blowing glue all over my room.
Luckily I was wearing glasses, so none got directly in my eyes, but some launched over and landed in my eyebrows and eyelashes.
I'm still picking small bits of superglue out of my arm hairs. Every time I move it basically yanks a few in the wrong direction. Now I'm afraid to turn the fan on. That and my iPad and floor is covered in drops of glue
tl;dr I tried to super glue a piece of a fan back on, turned on the fan prematurely and sprayed my self with small drops of superglue
HopelessSemantic: How did you get the glue off your glasses? I got some on mine once and it was impossible to get off.
Aderus_Bix: Nail polish remover works reasonably well in most cases.
HopelessSemantic: Once I got nail polish remover on my glasses and it completely destroyed the lenses. It could have been because mine had that anti-glare coating stuff, but regardless, I'm not ever getting nail polish remover anywhere near my glasses again.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1402900704 | 1402909579 | t3_289foa | t5_2to41 | 22 | Toothbrushnumber3: TIFU by using a spinbrush as a vibrator
Tomorrow, the guy I really like is coming over. So I tell myself, "don't fuck it up by being over sexual." I decided the best way to do that is to get rid of all sexual feelings tonight. I tried the usual fingering and watching porn, but it just wasn't doing the trick. After about an hour of giving it my best shot, trying different positions and such, I decided I needed to do something I had never done before, use a vibrator. The only problem being I didn't exactly own a vibrator, just a never used before spinbrush toothbrush. I had heard of other girls using theirs as a vibrator, and honestly, that's what I was saving mine for. So I rip it out of the package, turn on some loud music to drown out the noise of the buzzing, and go to town on myself. Admittedly, it felt absolutely amazing on my clit and had me screaming in pleasure! But after an orgasm or two, I was done. I clicked it off went to clean it. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my vagina, I went to touch down there and oh my god it was painful. My whole down there area was red with pain and raw. I went to get some ice cubes to rub on it and that produced more pain to me. I tried just not touching it and I was still almost in tears because of how the vibrations had rubbed me raw. I really fucked up guys, I have never been in this much pain. Next time I'll just spend 30 bucks on an actual vibrator haha!
Joannestonia: You can't fuck it up with a guy by being over sexual. That's like fucking up a birthday party by offering too much cake. Luckily you heal very quickly down there, so you should be ok, but don't stick any machines up there again which aren't designed for the purpose.
xgenoriginal: wait so i should take the hairdryer out?
Hackurtu: What about these toothpicks?
xgenoriginal: Id leave them in , wood gets better as it ages right?
Hackurtu: I think I heard some ghost peppers go well ground up and placed to marinate from within, I think I'll do that.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1402900109 | 1402951830 | t3_289f4l | t5_2to41 | 8 | P3de: TIFU by having random desktop backgrounds.
So today my mom asked to use my computer. Cool, whatever, right? I tell her of course she can. She's doing her Pinterest thing when she decides to minimize the browser to see [this](http://imgur.com/L82ZGLj). It turns out when I was choosing my desktop backgrounds of cool video game pictures and stuff I accidentally added a random photo I must have saved. I never saw it because I've got a slide show that changes pics every ten minutes. Anyways, I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm gay now.
Tobplay: well... my background says "cunt destroyer".. kinda hard to explain to my mother..
ohitsdatguy: Actually ... "i destroy cunts" seems like it gets the job done
Tobplay: She wanted me to explain to her what a cunt was.. She didn't know
| 4 | 2 | |
1402900749 | 1402953894 | t3_289fpq | t5_2to41 | 468 | onepennytoomany: TIFU by posting a screenshot of The Sims 3 to my Facebook
A little backstory:
I've had a Sims 3 game going for about a week, It has two people living in this [massive house I built from scratch](http://i.imgur.com/JvApqhK.jpg), These two people live as house-mates, One happens to be me, the other person is someone from my friends list whose name I used because I couldn't come up with anything better.
About an hour ago I ~~shared~~ posted a screenshot of my Sims 3 game, Little did I know that certain Sims notifications appear in the top right, I didn't see that there was a notification containing the name of the second person in my household.
She saw it.
Her friend messaged me [this.](http://i.imgur.com/9yKcL9U.png) I immediately felt super creepy because the girl whose name I borrowed had no idea I had done so.
She now thinks I'm a total pervert who makes these Sims fuck all day and jerks off to it...
____________________
*e*: All is well that ends well, We made up, Although her friend still thinks I'm creepy.
OverlordTank: This situation may be salvageable yet...Gabrielle Jones is a pretty generic name, so couldn't you tell her that the sim in question was actually an NPC generated by the game? You could say that you got a major kick out of the fact that your sim "randomly met" another sim who shared the name of someone you knew IRL, and since you were planning on making some roommates to share the house with your original sim anyway (a reasonable claim since it's a gigantic mansion), you thought you'd save yourself some time and just add the existing one who had the same name as your real life buddy. You could post some follow up screen shots of them doing hilarious/fun but totally non-sexual, non-creepy stuff together for posterity? Maybe add some captions, tag Gabrielle Jones, and turn it into a Bitstrips-style thing?
Amazing house, by the way. Like you, I've had a Sims 3 game going for about a week, but your mansion makes the cozy little log cabin I built from scratch for my guys look like a total shanty haha.
onepennytoomany: Well since posting I've told her I made a Sim version of her to add to a larger social group like you suggested:
>*...and since you were planning on making some roommates to share the house with your original sim anyway*
She's gotten over it and she says she likes that her Sim is hot (?) and she wants me to add more people to the town.
So all in all, It has ended quite well, Although her freind still thinks I'm a creep.
____________
Thanks dude/dudette The house took me 4 hours to build from the ground up and about 3 hours to furnish, Lots of inspiration from [Curtis Paradis](https://www.youtube.com/user/TheCurtisParadisShow), If you don't know of him, Check out his channel, He builds some awesome homes.
MoreWhiskeyPls: > Likes that her sims is hot
Huh. Is she into you?
onepennytoomany: Apparently so, Yes.
flungey: Then today my friend, you did not TIFU.
onepennytoomany: > Then today my friend, you did not today I fucked up.
Wat.
__________
And I still did IMO.
flungey: lol, I was aware of the way it would read, it was either the above or litterally reading "TEEFOO".
I was happy with either.
I assume your opinion will change if you end up recreating your digital deviations for reals?
onepennytoomany: Of course, She is a nice girl but I think I'd rather stay single for now.
Makes__bad__puns: Oh no, you got downvoted for wanting to stay single! You're terrible man, how dare you?
onepennytoomany: Didn't you know that every man ever has to take every opportunity to have sex with anyone? Reddit thinks so.
Makes__bad__puns: How **dare** you defy the new world order.
onepennytoomany: First of all how **dare** yo u.
| 13 | 36 | |
1402904211 | 1402934020 | t3_289io5 | t5_2to41 | 75 | dark2elite: TIFU by accidentally bidding on a PS4
An auction in the area had online support and I had watched bids come and go multiple times. Getting outbid and so on.
So this auction comes along with a ton of electronics, and a surprisingly large amount of broken phones, laptops and tablets. Tons of working stuff too, but definitely lots of broken stuff. There were 8 PS4's posted. The current bid was 225, and I decided I would try to bid up. I submit $250, but was outbid automatically. So I just went ahead a clicked the button again, for some reason thinking it would stay at $250. I close Chrome and go on my day.
The next morning I realize that I really didn't need the thing, nor really want it. This is when I realized I had bid $300, not 250 or 275. I saw the other ps4s sold for 250, that's when I realized I wouldn't be outbid, and one course the one that sold for more? Mine.
I get to the auction place, pay for the thing, after taxes and fees came to $400. The box was torn up, but everything was there. Took it home and what do you know? Broken. It turned on but the blu ray drive doesn't work. I'm in talks with Sony currently. Why did I even bid.
Tl;Dr paid $400 for a paper weight and didn't even want it.
fallouthirteen: Was there anything to suggest the PS4 was in working condition or was it listed as damaged/as-is? Just asking because if the auction did suggest it was working, that's fraud and would be sufficient grounds to demand a refund.
dark2elite: Everything is as is, they basically just do liquidation
thebatthing: "as-is" is a sellers way of denying responsibility for it being broken without actually telling you it's broken so that you still buy it. If you're trying to buy something that works, never buy it as-is.
dark2elite: That's fair enough, though I don't think everything there was broken. The auction had a preview where I could have checked it out, but even if I had, I probably would have just powered it on - which it could do without issue.
Just going Sony can help me out, they said it's still under warranty so crossing my fingers
| 5 | 15 | |
1402901927 | 1402937360 | t3_289gtc | t5_2to41 | 123 | 2nologin: TIFU by destroying a $90 equipment within 4 seconds!
Hi,
Making a thread for the first time.
Today I fucked up by destroying my router in 4 seconds.
I accidentally flashed the wrong firmware on my G300NH causing it to go into soft brick mode. Unfortunately, the only way to revive it was via TFTP or via U-boot serial.
I stupidly choose serial. Connected all TTL pins on the router correctly and decided to connect VCC as well. This is what fried my router.
I forgot that the router was 3.3v tollerant while I was pumping 5v into it.
Lesson learned! Always check pin config and level limits!
EDIT: Bought myself a new TP-LINK Archer C7 (AC1750)! It's awesome.
fbifriday: This may be the most technical TIFU ever
Hackurtu: I understood a whole five words!
smcdark: so, he tried to load a software update for a different router, onto his, turning it essentially into a brick. Not all hope was lost, however, he could revive it....but then he shot it in the head instead with 5v on something that is expecting 3.3v.
| 4 | 30.75 | |
1402922000 | 1402935708 | t3_289wox | t5_2to41 | 103 | Pod6ResearchAsst: TIFU by licking bird poop off my hand.
So every morning I have a cup of yogurt and recently I have been enjoying a smoothie since I bought an awesome new blender. I work out of my truck, and when I get to the job I usually have to do some stuff before I actually get to eat anything. Well about half way through breakfast I spotted what I thought to be residual blueberry on the side of my hand from my smoothie or yogurt. Definitely wasn't blueberry. I guess I should wake up earlier and eat breakfast at home instead of on the road.
Lurkalo: So, what did it taste like?
Pod6ResearchAsst: Bitter and dry. Luckily I wasn't completely done eating my yogurt, so I didn't have to suffer too long. It was more the mental picture that I just licked something that came out of a birds butt.
MonsterIt: As opposed to a humans butt?
Kreystas: Don't knock it 'til you try it.
| 5 | 20.6 | |
1402921476 | 1402925430 | t3_289w76 | t5_2to41 | -5 | [deleted]: TIFU by chilling with a girl I met outside the grocery this morning.
This happened during the last two hours. I went to the local market to grab some breakfast produce after my morning workout. Outside was this cute dark-skinned Spanish girl waiting for the bus. While I was unlocking my bike she struck up conversation. It ended up with me inviting her to breakfast.
When we got to my place everything was great, until she got a phone call. She had forgotten her keys at home and her sister was willing to bring them to her, no problem. I buzz her "sister" up and when I go to open the door, three guys toting weapons burst in. The chick scampers out and they proceed to rob me of everything they can carry without raising suspicions.
Enthused_Llama: The last two hours and you've already posted about it on reddit? Didn't the police want to talk to you?
Also, does your door have a peephole? Did you talk to her 'sister' at all since you had to 'buzz her in'?
[deleted]: What am I going to tell the cops? Some young Spanish girl in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood is being used to rob homes?
If you're not familiar with the NYPD, unless I have substantial information to who she is, etc, nothing will come of it.
Edit: It was a very lighthearted situation, on this fine morning I was not expecting this chick to be part of a criminal set-up.
Enthused_Llama: 'Everything they can carry without raising suspicion.'
Pot, cash, and a tablet? 3 dudes for such a low-ball operation?
You need to file a police report if you want to get insurance money. Obviously don't mention the weed to the police.
Honestly, I don't believe you at all. This situation doesn't add up.
You didn't even get her name? (Even if it's a fake she may use it often). Nothing significant? Didn't try to see what kind of car they drive? Ignore all my questions about security?
Not buying it.
[deleted]: That's what the edit was for. I was having a good time, her sister stopping by didn't seem threatening at all.
They scored over $1000 worth of everything.
Her name was Nicole. That's all I got. No car, all ran on foot. When someone is pointing a .22 at you, you listen when they say don't follow them.
Enthused_Llama: Let's see, at least from your post history you are consistent that you live in NYC.
You asked about 'things to buy for a new apartment' and nobody told you 'get some fucking renter's insurance.'
You were evidently cognizant enough to notice that it was a .22, but I suppose that it could be target fixation.
I didn't realize 'having a good time' meant 'throwing personal security to the wind.' On that note, why would you bring somebody back to your apartment on the first date? I don't know, maybe my apartment isn't so swanky but that just seems weird and awkward. You always meet on neutral ground the first few times so that everyone is comfortable.
You've also asked *three times* how to impersonate somebody in the military as well as a submission about how to get away with cheating.
If supposing this post is true, you're a fucking dirtbag at any rate.
[And then what, one month ago you're fucking two grandmas and now you're suddenly picking up a spanish girl (spanish or hispanic? make up your mind) out of nowhere?](http://www.livememe.com/nhbw2v5)
Seeeeeems pretty karma-whorey.
> her sister stopping by didn't seem threatening at all.
And you somehow didn't hear them to buzz them up or look out the peephole? Are you willfully stupid?
[deleted]: People love bringing up the love-triangle.
It was fun, but old ladies.. just got old.
I didn't pick her up, she technically picked me up and she was cute enough to flatter me.
Yeah, I'll admit I am kind of a dirtbag.. more of a victimless dirt bag.
Edit: Yes I see the err in my ways.. hence the /r/tifu post. We learn from our mistakes, this is the first time my kindness and socialization has got me into trouble in my 26 years of living.
EDIT 2: I didn't buzz.. lol.. I was on the couch sipping my coffee and told her to go buzz her sister in.
Enthused_Llama: So you've been kind since the day you were born, eh?
Cheating on your SO is not kind.
Impersonating a service member (military, police, etc.) is not kind.
Maintaining a love triangle is not kind.
Cheating is far from 'victimless.'
This crime was victimless too, since it didn't happen.
[deleted]: I always get roped into trying to convince people what I post is true.
TIFU. That's it. I dunno why I bother debating.
Enthused_Llama: I love it when you just ignore all the inconvenient inconsistencies with your shit.
Speaking of shit, you're fucking full of it.
[deleted]: There aren't any inconsistencies, I just made dumb ass mistakes this morning.
Enthused_Llama: Saying it doesn't make it true.
[deleted]: I know, experiencing it does.
Enthused_Llama: Hard to experience something that didn't happen.
Also ignoring the bits about how you absolutely are not kind.
[deleted]: I didn't ignore it. I said I was a dirtbag. '
Whether or not there are true victims is debatable and unique to their situation.
Enthused_Llama: Cheating on an SO has a victim.
Impersonating a service member makes you a fucking scumbag.
You also *still* have conveniently glossed over at how you somehow buzzed up three armed men and then let them through your door without noticing they weren't her sister.
[deleted]: I didn't gloss over it. In another comment I mentioned how I told HER to buzz her sister in because I was comfortably sprawled on my couch.
Evidently your not social enough to have people over your apartment often to the point where you basically treat your guests like they live there already. It's an easy way to make people comfortable, and it works often.
Enthused_Llama: No, I don't bring random people back to my apartment because I'm not an idiot who steers dick-first into 'social' situations.
| 18 | -0.277778 | |
1402917008 | 1402934328 | t3_289sav | t5_2to41 | 71 | Throwaway-burnt-dick: TIFU by scorching my cock with the water from hell
(First time making one so forgive me for bad formatting)
So I just learnt about the shower trick where if you have a shower head with a massage function and point the water at your cock it feels amazing (to me at least). Skip forward two days I was in the shower again and I went at it again but the water went cold and the way the water system works in my house is if you flush the toilet when the showers on the water goes cold anyways I thought nothing of it and continued. I tried to turn the hot up nothing, I tried turning the cold off still nothing I continued on and then it happened. The hot water turned back on and it was all hot, as hot as it went and there was no cold and it felt like I stuck my dick into a pool of lava and I screamed as if my testicles were cut off.
CommPuma: Sounds like a nice prank idea.
cell1570: fuck you. that is all.
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1402922304 | 1402937454 | t3_289x1u | t5_2to41 | 15 | Ahmadxxx: TIFU by telling my freind im his dead father
So my freind intsalled this app that let you chat randomly with strangers. There is a option to add all your facebook freinds automaticly. On this app i use fake name and fake pic so he never knew who i was. I said hallo so he asked who I am, i thought it would be funny and i said lol im your dad. Moments later i remembered that his fathered died beofore few weeks from a heart attack and suddenly he replied to my messege saying "plz dont mention my father may god leave him in peace". Immediately i felt bad how I made fun of his recently dead father.
Till now he doesnt know who I am and I wish he never knows.
Update: english isnt my first language folks. Fixed heart stroke to heart attack lol.
[deleted]: Lik tis if u cri errytjme.
Doctor_Tako: I get that reference
| 3 | 5 | |
1402925697 | 1402949267 | t3_28a0xb | t5_2to41 | 139 | [deleted]: Tifu by allowing a "close friend" to stay at my place for the weekend.
So this just happened yesterday and I'm still really shakey and freaked out. Was going to use a throwaway but he is a fellow redditor and I hope he sees this.
A few days ago I get this call. I've been talking on and off with my so called friend and am know of his shitty situation. He is broke, without work and staying in this shelter for veterans in las Vegas. So he calls basically saying that he has had enough of the place where he is and is going to come back to LA and crash on his friends sofa until he gets work.
However, his friend is in big sur for the weekend and he wants out now. He basically tells me that he's coming to stay with me for the weekend and going to LA on Monday. I have plans. My boyfriend and I were supposed to go to the desert so he could work and I can be with him. I explain that I have no money and would like to spend the weekend with my SO. I would be with him and also have access to wine and cigarettes and internet and such. Much preferable than being on my own for the weekend. He says he had money to help out with the wine and smokes and would I please help him out. I also tell him that my licence has been revoked and I would feel really uncomfortable driving him to LA Monday for fear that I might get arrested and the car impounded. He only hears what he wants to hear and assumes I'll drive him the hundred miles to LA.
This guy has done a ton for me so I agree to help him out. Friday comes and my SO leaved for Joshua Tree via little airplane and I'm stuck here waiting for my friend to arrive and stay with me. He gets in at about one in the morning and is hungry so I cook him food. I'm vegan and he is a meat eater so of course he complains about the food. I get cigarettes with the last of my money and he proceeds to go through the pack in less than half a day. Oh BTW.. He gets here almost completely broke after he tells me he will help out with wine, smokes, food and gas. He always does this. Says he'll have money or borrows it without paying him back. I've leant him hundreds of dollars over the years none of which has been directly played back. I let it slide usually because he does help me when he can.
Anyways we eat potato tacos and go to bed. All day while he was on the bus he kept texting me about fucking weed. Do I have any? Can I get him some? Can I get a front? Can anybody smoke us out? Its driving me crazy. Next morning he's still on about god damned weed. Asking me to ask all the neighbors if they could smoke him out and putting me in extremely uncomfortable situations.
All day Saturday we are bored and he is dicking around in Tinder trying to hook up. After what an ass he was I don't feel bad about saying this but this guy is old and ugly and a real creeper trying to hit on hot little 26 year old girls. He's getting frustrated wondering why he has no matches. He's being very derogatory towards women calling them bitches and feeling entitled to them. As a joke I make my own tinder account as my dog. Within a matter of hours I have about 50 messages which pisses him off because he doesn't have one match and he's taking it seriously. "I don't have any matches and your fucking dog is getting messages" stuff. Getting even more desperate and creepy. Finally he is bugging me about weed so much that I invite a stoner friend over for the night. He gets weed and I have someone else there so I don't have to be alone with him. We go get a box of wine and wait for my friend to get there
He proceeds to treat my friend like shit obviously using him for his weed and cigarettes. Its pissing me off because I love this guy. He is a great guy. Mr asshole then disgusts me by asking if I could bring a girlfriend over so he could get her drunk. By now I'm just done with him and want him gone. He's being an entitled asshole, using my friends, eating all my food and drinking all my coffee (which he makes double strong every few hours even after I told him that what we have is our coffee rations for the month.. He used half of it in three days) treating women like shit and just being a dick in general.
Next morning I tell him that I can't drive him to LA because of my licence and basically that I want him out of my house. He throws a hissy fit and cusses me out. Claims I stole his wine because he bought it for me and now I won't give him a ride. I tell him to get out. He packs his stuff and proceeds to just sit on my sofa all day on his phone. I don't feel comfortable to I stay in the bedroom all day waiting for him to leave.
My boyfriend calls and he overhears me say to him that I could pick him up from the bus depot. This angers him to no end and he storms around the house cussing me out and saying fucked up shit because I refuse to give him a ride to LA but will pick my SO up. Starts bringing up shit that happened 3 or 4 years ago. Calling me a stick up cunt and a theif and a bitch.
At this point I have had enough. I demand that he gets out of my house and he just looks at me and says no and sits down again. I know I can call the cops.. But I'm an anti police brutality activist and know that calling the cops would just worsen the situation. I didn't want anyone to get hurt and I believe that I should handle situations on my own without police involvement. I keep telling him to leave and he keeps saying no. I go get his stuff and throw it outside and he gets up and tries to grab it out of my hand.
At this point I'm actually scared for my safety. He's getting unreasonable and starting to get violent. I call my boyfriend and ask him to tell my ex friend to get out and again he says no. I go next door to get my neighbor to help and dickwad yells that he is calling the police because I'm "threatening his life" by getting a neighbor to help me kick him out. I grab the phone and throw it outside and he says he's going to get me arrested for that. At this point me and my neighbor are yelling at him to leave and he still refuses. He's Cussing at us and threatening us. She calls the owner of the building who is actually a cop and he begins to leave.
I thank her and go inside to lock the doors. A few minutes later I hear her yell again and go outside to see the jerk just standing by the building claiming he's on public property and can stand there if he wants. He's still yelling at me from the side walk. Eventually he walks off. Yelling "I can fuck you up jaxxattacks! I have the power to fuck your shit up! You're going to pay for this bitch!"
Two minutes later I get a call from my mother. He texted her and lied that I was shooting heroin again to try to get me in trouble (I'm almost four years off being an addict.. I do take pain killers sometimes but mostly for Medicinal purposes. I have fucked up knees and problems with my lady parts and my SO has sciatica. We are often both in pain) so I'm telling my mom what's going on and she realizes this guy is off his rocker and really worried about me.
A few minutes later I hear more yelling and my phone is being blown up by this guy. Apparently he left his charger and earphones in my place and is in the process of calling the police because I stole them and am not giving them back. He sits there yelling for like 10 minutes every insult he could think of. Finally I gather his crap and throw it outside. He picks it up still yelling at me and telling me I'm the worst person in the world. Eventually he walks off.
I'm super scared and not sure what this guy is capable of so i call my boyfriend who heard a bit over the phone. He says to come get him so he could be with me and keep me safe. So I leave to pick him up. The whole drive I'm still getting text messages from this guy. Really mean shit too. "How could I do this after everything he did to me" I'm a bitch and a cunt and a junkie.. He's going to fuck my shit up yada yada yada.
I reach my boyfriend and I'm crying and shaking. Apparently this guy has been calling both my SO and my parents making shit up about me to get me in trouble. Both didn't believe his bullshit and told him very sternly to leave us alone. On the way back I block him from Facebook and from calling and texting me.
Im home now and safe with my SO and doggy (who he kicked earlier because he was mad) this guy is probably sleeping in a park or a bus stop somewhere and I'm fine with that. Never helping him out or even talking to him again. He is not usually like this but after this episode/breakdown, I'm planning on filing a restraining order. I don't know what this guy is capable of and I'm scared of him.
Sorry I know this is long and drawn out but I had to vent to someone. Thanks reddit for helping me get this off my chest and listening. Like I said he is a redditor too so I hope he sees this and realizes what an ass he has been to someone who was only trying to help him out.
TL DR let an ex friend stay for the weekend. Was a dick the whole time. Refused to leave when I told him to get out. Has to be physically removed from my house. Harassed me for hours and tried to tell my parents and the cops that I was "threatening him" and on heroin.
SkeletonBump: Why do so many vegans smoke? I just don't get it...
andjok: I'm a vegan and quit smoking a couple years ago, but I smoked for a little while as a vegan. It's just hard to quit, that's really all there is to it. And if you roll your own or smoke American spirits, there is no ethical conflict with veganism (still bad for you of course, but many of us aren't vegan for health reasons).
SkeletonBump: Congrats on quitting. I quit smoking 2.5 years ago and it is awesome! Can you elaborate on why one becomes a vegan? Don't need an essay or anything just your biggest points on it if you have the time. I've been considering it but man do I love beef and chicken lol.
lnfinity: I am vegan for animal rights reasons. Humans have certainly accomplished incredible feats and demonstrated immense knowledge, but these aren't attributes that apply to all humans. There are infants, senile elderly individuals, and severely mentally handicapped individuals who do not possess significant mental faculties and in certain cases will never possess these faculties. While these individuals aren't afforded all of the rights that you or I may take for granted, we recognize that these individuals still suffer when mistreated and possess basic interests in life.
This basic level of treatment shouldn't only be afforded to humans. Non-human animals will also suffer when mistreated and wish to continue living as well.
For the same reason I wouldn't do these things to an infant or a mentally handicapped individual, it should be no more ethical to keep other animals in captivity, deprive them of their basic interests, or slaughter them prematurely.
SkeletonBump: I tend to think that this kind of thinking and analysis is like comparing apples and oranges. Animals are not humans thus in my opinion shouldn't be treated as such. Regardless, that is only my opinion so it has a much basis as yours :)
rglitched: Legitimate question - What quality do humans possess that you think affords them different treatment? It's not sentience, sapience, or intelligence, so what is it?
SkeletonBump: Don't assume that because you think that these three qualities are possessed by animals, that makes it true. Show me an animal that shows that it has sapience (having or showing great wisdom or **sound judgment**) and that doesn't act on instinct or for reward and maybe i'll be ok with your 'legitimate question'. Furthermore, we are the top predators on Earth and as such, I personally don't think it's horrible to eat meat. One of my only problems with the meat industry is the impact on the environment.
Now before you start saying that children and people with learning disabilities don't have wisdom or sapience, let me remind you that a big part in being human (and in many cases, animals) is to protect your kind. So yes I think that we should protect humans whether it be from other humans or not.
Legitimate question for you u/rglitched, if there is something wrong with a human eating an animal, why is it ok for an animal to eat another animal? Would you be opposed to me raising my own animals for my own consumption?
| 8 | 17.375 | |
1402926504 | 1402988064 | t3_28a20s | t5_2to41 | 4 | HiddenPawfoot: TIFU by not preparing enough for someone to walk into my room
today it rained. poor day to go bike riding in the morning. whatever I take off my pants to consider taking a shower before class. I'm on reddit doing reddit things like laughing at bad fan fiction when my sister walks in on my not wearing pants. Sitting on my bed.. in front of my computer. Now I had a towel over my crotch.. just in case. But now that it happened I'm not sure if that made it look MORE like I was masturbating.
**Edit**: After I got up I looked around and realized I had a few things going in my favor. Things like the fact that behind me was my post shower clothing laid out on the bed. Also by the window were my rain soaked pants. I think maybe I'm ok.
sts04: Locks.
HiddenPawfoot: i live in basically on campus housing that's not really an option.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402934919 | 1402938869 | t3_28aem6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By reply to my GF with a text meant for my Ex.
It happened earlier, Me and an ex who are still friends were texting back and forth. During the back and forth, the conversation reminded me of why me and her are better friends than a couple. So being grateful that i am in a better situation with my current Gf I shoot my current gf a text saying "Love You Babe". After doing so the ex texts back and i read the message at the top of the notification bar. Not realizing i never went to the actual conversation i just type my response in the text box that was already open. After i hit send i go back to proofread and realize that i sent it to my Gf and immediately send the sorry wrong person text. She promptly responds with "So who was the babe text for?", Thinking that the entire series of texts wasn't meant for her and the real explantion sounds like complete and utter BS, So I might be single later today. Edit for clarity
ThoracicPork: Why can't you just be honest with your girlfriend and tell her what you told us? Unless you have kids together, I can't think of a good reason to still be friends with an ex, other than you want to leave your options open.
Dknucks: I called her after I posted this and we spoke, I was honest and she understood what happened. The whole situation just sounded really fishy and I thought she would be suspicious
ThoracicPork: I have a feeling you'll be paying for this for a few days at least.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1402936647 | 1402979994 | t3_28ahel | t5_2to41 | 309 | [deleted]: tifu by breaking someone's penis
He and I had sex for about an hour and the next day he tells me that he had to go to hospital because I broke his cock. It turns out that we had sex for so long that it blistered his bellend to the point where he couldn't move his foreskin, causing him great pain.
[deleted]: Don't blame your sandpaper vag OP. It's entirely possible he fell dick-first into a jar of acid or something during the night.
hiwhatsupnothing: OP, you might need [this](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_burn_centers_in_the_United_States)
dsfdgfgh: bellend and foreskin = not the US, most likely UK
bgb82: For one its pretty much mainly a u.s or Israeli practice so a lot more than just UK. Anyways people in u.s exist with non circumcised penis I am one of those people. Just making sure you don't have false info.
dsfdgfgh: Its the "bellend" comment that made me assume UK. I heard it used by a British guy as slang (end of a bell look like the tip of a penis). But thanks.
bgb82: Ahh that makes sense.
| 7 | 44.142857 | |
1402937107 | 1403038796 | t3_28ai62 | t5_2to41 | 235 | WeeLeigh: TIFU by not driving drunk
Last night on my way home I stopped and met up with a friend at the bars close to my house. We had a grand time chatting and catching up. I wound up having more beers than I planned and was quite intoxicated.
"I know!" I thought, "I'll be responsible and walk home! I've done this plenty and it always works out!"
And so, feeling full of responsibility and beer I walked the half mile or so home, watched some Game of Thrones and slept the peaceful slumber of a person who has done the right thing.
This morning I arose refreshed and happy and got ready for work and walked on over to get my car back. It was gone. Did I move it?? Did I have someone else move it?? No... No I definitely left it here, as I've done many a time before.
Apparently the shopping center decided now was the day they would start enforcing their two hour limit and I was the unlucky sot who found out the hard way. 2 hours and $300 later I retrieved my car. Not the best way to start the week...
Just to clarify- No I don't actually think I should have driven drunk.
Ouro130Ros: $300 is a tiny fraction of what a DUI would have cost you. You got off light buddy :). Good on you for doing the smart thing.
[deleted]: yeah... because the concern here is the DUI fine.. you moron.
Ouro130Ros: fuck you too buddy
[deleted]: Yeah keep on weighing the benefits and pitfalls of driving drunk in monetary terms. That's real smart.
We got a winner here folks.
Ouro130Ros: Hot damn son, you are quite the arrogant little douchenozzle aren't you. Why don't you go back to spanking it in the mirror telling yourself how great you are?
[deleted]: I'm sorry that I don't think $300 is the important part about not drinking and driving.
| 7 | 33.571429 | |
1402941771 | 1402981808 | t3_28apyb | t5_2to41 | 1,755 | [deleted]: TIFU: Well, my parents fucked up... (NSFW)
I'm a 15 year old male, and I recently went on a brief holiday with my Mum and Dad to Sheffield.
I had to share a hotel room with my parents, because they're tight, with me in a single bed against the wall and them in a double bed in the centre of the room. At around 9 o'clock in the morning they woke up. As it was father's day, my mother greeted my father by saying "Happy father's day!". This woke me up, because i'm quite a light sleeper. However, because I was facing the wall they did not see me wake up. They then begin to quietly 'play with each other' hoping not to wake me. But, unfortunately, I was fully awake at this point. Things began to sound moist and there was definitely sucking involved. I began to feel physically sick and i was on the verge of tears. I wanted to stop them, but I had spent too longer thinking about what I could do to make them stop. I had to lay through the mentally scaring moans of both my parents for about 10 minutes, but it felt like a lifetime.
Now, a few days, I can't stand to be touched by my parents and I find it difficult ever to talk to them. Plus I can't help but remember the noises that were involved. Please help... (I don't have a problem with them having sex, but in the same room as me is kinda odd isn't it?)
[deleted]: I hear my parents through the wall that divides our bedrooms all the time. Last time I heard my dad say "sorry was that the wrong hole?" And then my mom started yelling. I had to turn up the t.v. all the way after that.
Oceanic_815_Survivor: There's no such thing as the wrong hole.
oyvey69: I disagree, the anus should no be used for sex. It's disgusting, but I've been told than many people use it for sex and expunging excrement.
[deleted]: what are you? like 7?
oyvey69: You can downvote me all you like, fucker. I just need to make a make one racist or anti-feminist comment on this site get get my comment karma back.
Zyllber: Huh? I mean, what? How does that statement affect anything you said earlier?
oyvey69: It makes me right, and you a dumbass.
Zyllber: How?
oyvey69: Please quit stalking me.
Zyllber: Stalking a creature as despicable as you? I dont think the most radical masochist would do that to himself.
oyvey69: It's funny you should say that, because I've been banned from /r/polyamory, which is full of masochists.
Zyllber: You can be banned from any subreddit for any reason, now please shut up.
| 13 | 135 | |
1402941978 | 1403022836 | t3_28aqba | t5_2to41 | 7 | ProfessorLeumas: TIFU when I danced with a girl and tried to make a joke
This happened within the past 36 hours, so it’s more of a T½IFU
In my hometown there is a Swiss hall that has annual events. During the day there is Swiss style wrestling (which I compete in) and at night a dance with plenty of food and drink all day. At the dance I was trying to build up some manliness to ask a cute girl to dance, and lo and behold, she sees me standing awkwardly a few yards off and beats me to the punch. I have known this girls family vaguely for many years even though I see them several times a year at the hall. So we’re dancing and having a good time, and she is much better than me. The music mainly consists of slower dances. I keep stumbling around (I’m not even drunk) and try to crack a few jokes. I say that I should cut of my toes so that I stop stepping on hers. She gives me a strange look and a half laugh and we keep on dancing. Later that evening I am talking with my best friend who is that girl’s cousin. He hears that I was dancing with her and asks if I knew she had a prosthetic leg. I most certainly did not know this. Later I would find out that everyone but me was aware of this. I now understand her uncomfortable reaction to my ‘joke’ and why she asked her sister if she wanted to switch dance partners.
TL;DR While dancing with a girl, I said I should cut off my toes so I stop stepping on hers, found out she has a prosthetic leg.
Edit: Found out that actually both her legs are prosthetic. She didn't feel it when I stepped on her toes.
I_am_amazingly_great: Bullshit. Didn't happen.
ProfessorLeumas: Yes, to my shame it very much did happen.
edit: she is very good with her prosthetic and was wearing a mid calf length skirt, so I couldn't see. When she was sitting down, I noticed something on her knee but just dismissed it as a brace
I_am_amazingly_great: No it didn't.
PassivePandas: Why are you even on this subreddit? Also, out of all the posts on here, you wouldn't believe this one? It's really not far fetched at all.
I_am_amazingly_great: I disbelieve much of what I read on reddit, including this, because it didn't happen.
PassivePandas: Neither did the holocaust
I_am_amazingly_great: Why you god damn sick son of a bitch.
PassivePandas: I was making fun of you. Lighten up dude, you'll pop a blood vessel.
I_am_amazingly_great: No, you'll pop a blood vessel when I get you in a rib-crushing bear hug.
bonerjams89: wow, people really do these? this is one of the first dumb oaf moves that they teach you to get out of in a beginner jiu jitsu class. i thought it was a cliche move that people didn't really do anymore, you sir have proved me wrong.
you may want to learn a new move, a 130 lb dude or chick for that matter could easily damn near rip your shoulder off if they have done a handful of self defense classes.
I_am_amazingly_great: You make me laugh. I am a 240 lb Greco Roman wrestler. I am a fucking monster. I have *crushed* every one of you bjjers that I have gone up against - *crushed!* No contest. They were overwhelmed by my superior strength, and, yes, technique. Whether a 130 lb guy would have fared any better, we'll never know. That wouldn't be a fair match.
You are a neckbeard and a keyboard tough guy. I have actually put your theory to the test and proven it wrong on numerous occasions - something you will never have the strength or the courage to do.
Not every man can pull off a bone-crunching bear hug - not every trained wrestler. I can. If I squeezed you, you would die.
| 12 | 0.583333 | |
1402941579 | 1403002034 | t3_28apm1 | t5_2to41 | 2,606 | DickGlitter: TIFU by trying to rip off my gf's nipple (NSFW)
Being a mid 30s normal couple with kids, we of course secretly indulge in some light fetish play like the rest of suburbia. Yesterday was going so well...
Ben-wa balls while we shuffle our way through IKEA for some fucking reason - CHECK
Reuben for lunch - CHECK
Slurpees - FUCKING HELL YES CHECK
Trip to the sex shop for...new nipple clamps - CHECK (ಥ﹏ಥ)
The kids were away so of course we wanted to make use of our time.
Come home. Candles. Music. Foreplay. Floggin. 69. Degrading dirty talk. Secks.
"Bite my nipple!!! HARDER!!!"
"YISSSSSSS!!!"
"I want to wear my new clamps!"
More banging ensues.
20-30 minutes later I mentioned we should remove them..I did it a bit too quickly
Gf is crying immediately. Sobbing, rocking back and forth holding boobs. I immediately run for ice, return and leap over the cat (he has seen some shit.) Ice pack hits nipples, more screaming. Nips look like angry wet craisins.
For fuck sake learn from us; please do not leave those things on too long unless you know what you are doing. Apparently the "good clamps" restrict blood flow a lot more effectively and hurt like a bitch when removed. We were using to some that barely held on prior and bought these that looked like Tweezers. They work only too well. Her boobs are super sensitive today but look to be healing fine.
TLDR: New nipple clamps turned her tittie tips into hamburger.
EDIT: Thanks folks! I brought home roses and wine which were well appreciated :-) Everything is looking good and just a bit sensitive. I opted for no card and just said "Sorry about the nipple cripple" when I handed them over.
dildocave: The cat was probably like, "Oh, again?"
DickGlitter: Yeaaaaa...Ever since he burned off one side of his whiskers when he intruded on wax play he gives us a wide berth.
dildocave: I suppose he wasn't around for dick glitter either?
thesuperbob: [Helicopter dick](http://i.imgur.com/Usp1rk7.gif) was when he finally learned to stay away from human mating rituals.
Teotwawki69: That's a risky click.
13zath13: >That's a risky dick.
FTFY
Karunamon: Instructions unclear; ~~dick~~ pussy caught in ceiling fan
NoMoreZeroDays: Helicopter pussy.
Roieye3256: this whole thread, omg i cant stop laughing.. now i have hiccups
Teotwawki69: You know that science proved that a finger up the ass is the best cure for hiccups, right?
thesuperbob: Instructions unclear; finger stuck in... [Oh hey, this ain't half bad...](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w-Rhd8x6WU)
| 12 | 217.166667 | |
1402942689 | 1403397148 | t3_28arj4 | t5_2to41 | 28 | cumdumpster1337: TIFU by spilling my load in the sink
This is a throwaway. I might post more stories about my mishaps later, but this is my first story ever, so give me some love.
Like most stories on this subreddit, my story didn't happen today, but I still feel ragret.
I am 18 and I should already know where to spill my load right? Wrong.
I got the idea to cum in my sink because my sink counter is right at dick level. I came in it a few times, I cleaned the outskirts of the sink after in case my family were to see the remains. I had that part under control.
What I didn't realize is that if you cum in the sink a few times, it clogs. I noticed the clogging one day after washing my hands and I immediately knew what was up. I stopped cumming in the sink from that day forward, but the sink remained clogged.
My dad also noticed the clogging and I came home from school one day to see my dad in the bathroom with the door open, obviously trying to unclog the sink. I, being really embarrassed, blushed and ran to my room, trying to run away from my problems. I can still hear my dad screaming "ACK WHATS THIS" from the bathroom. I'm blushing just thinking about this. I don't think I can look at my dad the same way, thinking that he potentially touched my semen.
TLDR; I came in the sink. My dad found out and cleaned it up. r/wincest?
kamarrada: Yucka!!
redoverture: 'Yucka'? Really?
kamarrada: In the seventies we use to say this on situations like that... Not anymore?
redoverture: Nope. It's just plain old weird nowadays.
kamarrada: I'm old... And weird...
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1402944957 | 1402946127 | t3_28avgj | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by rubbing my eye
So, I'm in bed. I get an itch in my eye, so I move my hand to rub it. Well, my reflexes didn't kick in, and I pushed my eye further into my socket. Suprisingly, it does not hurt that much.
But seriously, TIFU.
I can tell because the top of my eye feels much deeper than the other.
What the fuck. A minute later, my vision is becoming blurry on that eye
I know I should be looking for help, not on reddit. I have to go.
EDIT1: I'm not able to tell my parents, because they can and WILL tell me to tough it out.I can't tell a doctor, because my parents can and WILL assume I'm mentally unstable-
EDIT2: There is no help on google. Not even webmd!
EDIT3: Edit - The blurrieness only lasted when I was checking my eyes on how deep i pushed it in.
the edit to rule them all:
I tried to sneeze with the affected eye open. It worked.
revertive: Whoa. Wait. You *pushed* your eye *further* into your socket? Is that even possible? Are you in any pain? Did you call your doctor? Please update us!
InfdevMinecrafter: I now have an EDIT1.
I updated the post.
| 3 | 6 | |
1402946010 | 1402949399 | t3_28axd9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by tuning my bass guitar
It was a windy morning when my new bass guitar arrived, and as any teenager would do I ripped that box like germany did to portugal In the world cup. First thing i do is try to tune it and it just snaps in one rotation.
But instead of learning my lesson i decide to tune ANOTHER string which also snapped.
TLDR, got new bass, tuned it,broke 2 strings, broke for the next month so no new strings,fml. But you know first world problems....
Tricksology: But Germany played Portugal? I could be wrong.
Quetin: Goddamit thats one more thing i fucked up
| 3 | 3 | |
1402945191 | 1402991412 | t3_28avw3 | t5_2to41 | 83 | zubaba: TIFU by trying to kill a fly.
Last night I couldn't sleep because of a fly buzzing around the room at 2:00 a.m. (technically still today!) I decide it was time to deal with this and grab a bathroom towel to use as a swatter. After a couple of misses, the fly lands on my bedroom window. I ball up the towel and mash the ball against the window. I can tell i've hit the fly under the towel, but I can hear it still buzzing and if I pull the towel away the fly will keep going. So I decide to push as hard as I can to mush the fly. To late I realize my mistake as the window shatters and I nearly fall through it. No injuries to myself, just a big broken window and no sleep because I feel like an idiot.
BunWiggle: Replace "fly" with "tiger" and that's an awesome story! Glad you're not hurt.
AngleGrinder107: Damn, better watch out for that rare buzzing tiger. I've heard they're vicious buggers.
| 3 | 27.666667 | |
1402948226 | 1403035880 | t3_28b16r | t5_2to41 | 4 | Fogliar: TIFU by using a 15lb. dumbbell as a sledgehammer for driving stakes into the ground.
So, what is the right tool for the job. That is always a good question. a sledgehammer I have discovered is a hammer that is weighted heavily near the head so as to allow a great amount of force to be delivered in a downward blow. If you need a sledgehammer and do not have one, it is best to delay the job and once you have said sledgehammer, you can complete the job. Well, being of the hard headed variety of idiot that one finds commonly. I decided that I wanted to drive 10 posts into the ground to finish my horseshoe pit and not having said hammer, I decided instead to use one of my 15lb. dumbbells on end to do the driving. knowing the hazard involved, I decided the risk was worth it because I am a guy who has great balance and could never miss. Well, I got 9 1/2 of the stakes driven and was thinking to myself "Man, I hope I don't miss".
well the glancing blow resulted in tearing all the flesh away between the first and second knuckles on my third and ring finger of the right hand. 28 stitches later and 2 bottles of Lidocaine, they were able to put my two fingers back together.
Fogliar: New to this. How do I add pictures?
apathy_thrills: upload to imgur.com and then post link here
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402947621 | 1402975895 | t3_28b062 | t5_2to41 | 70 | lushiecat: TIFU by trusting my mom and her silly Chinese pills.
I live abroad so my mom likes to send me care packages. Recently she included a small bottle, about the size of a tic tac box, of Chinese pills. She told me that they have a very light laxative effect on her and are good for when bloated, but she likes a stronger effect so she takes 2 at a time.
So after class, I decide to go for a small shopping trip for a few things at my local mall and also for some dinner. Thinking these won't work for an hour or two anyways, I pop one of the pills (size of a tiny mint) in my mouth and down it with water.
It's a 12 minute walk to the tram stop then a 15 minute ride to the mall. The walk goes by pretty quickly somewhere between getting on and getting off, I start having sharp abdominal pains. I curl up and rub my abdomen furiously trying to make the pain go away. Eventually it subsides and I cheerfully enter the mall.
My first destination is getting something to eat, so I head up to the food court and get some vegan lasagna and a brownie at the organic foods franchise. I down the lasagna but as I'm about to cut into the brownie I suddenly feel the blood drain from my face. I feel oddly nervous all of a sudden. I'm convinced it's nausea, so I jump out of my seat, throw out the brownie and head for the bathroom. I feel myself become paler with every step. The bathroom on this floor of the mall is over a 100 feet away and even in trying to walk quicker I'm convinced I'm moments from bursting, the pressure is building exponentially in my body. I finally reach the door, run inside and just as I slam the stall shut I feel my whole body just let go.
Fuck.
I hurriedly peel my pants down and attempt to sit on the toilet to contain any of this, but it's very much too late.
I want to kill my mother.
I call my roommate. No matter how much I try to clean up the mess in the stall... There's no way I can leave this stall. I have no pants. I stuff them down the garbage. I beg her to get into my pile of laundry and bring me the first pair of pants she can find.
She comes after 20 minutes. I pay her back for the taxi. She finds me by the obvious clues. I've tried to clean up as much as I could but I still feel terrible for the poor soul who has to come and clean up the rest of this at the end of the day.
Fucking laxatives.
[deleted]: Sounds like the best prank ever. Link to pills please. Sounds better than slipping someone emodium and then a little while later exlax. Best to do to someone that pissed you off.
lushiecat: Actually... I think sugarless gummy bears work even better. Plus.. Candy that won't make you gain weight. Win win.
bowmaster17: I pranked my friends with these and almost every one of them shat their pants.
Tesabella: Explain to me how this works.
hemoglobinjunkie: http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummi-Bears-Sugar-Free/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC It's the sugah like substance in 'em. Superlaxative.
Tesabella: I was just looking at that. I just want to know how it works, like what's the compound and why does Haribo make these when they have such horrendous consequences. Maybe I should do an ELI5...
hemoglobinjunkie: "A glance at the nutrition panel shows that the first (and thus most prevalent) ingredient in the sugar-free variety is lycasin, a hydrogenated syrup. Lycasin, meanwhile, consists mainly of maltitol, a sugar alcohol that is almost as sweet as table sugar but half as caloric. Maltitol is great because it doesn't cause cavities, but not so great because our bodies can't fully digest it, so it can ferment in the gut. The known side effects of the excessive consumption of lycasin are bloating, flatulence, loose stools, and borborygmi, the scientific term for tummy-rumbling.
Though the substance is considered safe to eat, in clinical studies, adults who consumed 40 grams of lycasin saw an increased frequency of bowel movements and "watery feces." The gummy bears in question come in bags of 5 pounds, otherwise known as 2,267 grams, otherwise known as a world of hurt."
They did an episode on house where a guy tried to stop smoking by eating lots of sugarless gum, which has sorbitol (another sugar alcohol) and he ended up having diarrhea all the time. Same sort of mechanism in your intestines.
Tesabella: I REMEMBER THAT EPISODE OF HOUSE. I went on a huge binge of the show for a few weeks and yeah. I forgot about that. Thanks for explaining it, or copy/pasting whatever my tired, moving-stressed brain missed. I think someone's parents will be getting a gift of these for Christmas..
| 9 | 7.777778 | |
1402946585 | 1402951045 | t3_28ayd2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | i_go_to_uri: TIFU by having sweaty, slippery fingers
I play airsoft frequently. I recently bought a pack of 12 [Thunderbee grenades](http://www.airsplat.com/Items/AC-THNDRB-CO2ST.htm). During a brief intermission at the field we were playing at my brother and I were reloading at my car. It is a total pain in the ass to arm these things if you're wearing even the thinnest pair of gloves. Well it was winter time, and I was wearing gloves, and I couldn't for the life of me pull the hammer back to arm it, so me and my brother sat in my car and blasted the heat so I could do this.
The way these work is simple; load in the CO2 catridge, pull the hammer all the way back, hold it in place with your thumb, and stick the pin through to keep it held back. Presto- it's armed. But not today nope. The blasting heat made my hands go from frozen purple to really hot and clammy. So when I tried to pull the hammer back, I had it down with my thumb- ok good just need the pin- I slowly felt the hammer start to slip. I knew I was going to lose my grip so I tried to gently release it and start over.
Yeah that didn't happen. There was no gentle release whatsoever. The hammer has a very sharp metal spike on it and is under the tension of a *very* strong spring, so when it broke free from my thumb's greasy grip, it slammed the CO2 cartridge and suddenly we had a problem.
Remember it was winter time, so we were in a running car with both windows up, with a possibly live sound grenade in my hand. And these things are LOUD. I've had one go off 10 feet away from me and my ears were ringing for a half hour. I couldn't even think - I had to just act. But act how? Did the CO2 cartridge actually get punctured? It didn't seem like the hammer did it's full range of motion- maybe I can salvage this grenade and try again?
I did the rational thing and assumed it was actually live. In one swift motion I flung the car door open, threw the nade under my car, and slammed the door shut. Phew- crisis averted, and it didn't blow up in my hand. Then the waiting game started. We didn't know what to do. Since it was winter time, CO2 powered rifles are next to useless- the cold temps fuck with them too much. Same goes for thunderbees. Minutes went by. Usually these bastards take 5 or 6 seconds to explode. Maybe the cartridge wasn't actually punctured? Maybe I can salvage this one grenade after all? But what if it *did* go live.... it's probably best to just wait it out, right?
Roll call started- the next game was about to begin. We were surrounded by other players at their own cars also reloading, probably wondering why we've been hiding in the car for so long. We see everyone start to pack up and get their shit toget-
***FUCKING BLAM!!!***
This dirty cocksucker blew right under us. Every single fucking guy in the parking lot collectively stopped what they were doing and wondered, the fuck just happened? But nobody could see shit- we were in a tinted out car and the grenade was underneath it- noone even saw where it came from. So we let the confused players get a nice headstart to the field before we got out to take a look around.
I retrieved the grenade from under my car (you can reuse the cores; just the plastic shells are one time use items since they tear wide open upon detonation), and shamefully put it back in my bag. I was done using them for the day after that. All it did to the underside of my car was fray up the splash shield which was already in poor condition, so no actual harm done. Just stirred some jimmies for sure.
TL;DR: Wet slimy fingers fucked up arming a thunderbee sound grenade, threw it under my car, boom, confused looks, shame.
redoverture: At least it didn't go off in your car...
i_go_to_uri: Yep, I got that going for me.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1402950254 | 1402967181 | t3_28b4o1 | t5_2to41 | 20 | burntmyballs: TIFU by burning my man parts off with paint stripper.
This happened last summer. Throw away because, fuck it.
So I restore various surfaces as a business, this particular day, I was stripping paint off an old ratty deck.
I broke one of my rules, by deciding to fill the pump sprayer using my pressure washer.
So there I am, concentrated stripper sitting in the bottom of the sprayer container, my partner drops the pressure on the gun, takes aim, and BAM... an explosion of water (backed up pressure) shoots into the container, splashing this concentrated death powder all over my face, chest, waist....
So I stand there for a second, baffled, burning, my green t-shirt slowly turning black and evaporating into nothing. My partner immediately starts spraying me down, the stripper is running down my shirt, into my pants..... the burn. Like a hot nail hammered into my urethra.
I run to the side of the house, ass out, start washing my junk. Here I am, dick out at some million dollar house shivering in pain.
I get a clean rag and tee-pee my goods, and decide I should work this shit off, I can do this....
Finish the day of work.
So, I hadn't dared look at my junk since it happened, I get to my business partners house and decide I should wash it off again. I get into the bathroom and wash..... there is redness all over, but over all it looked like I was going to be okay.
Walk to the bus, its about an hour and a half transit time. Dead of summer, bus is hot, my nads are sweating up a storm. I feel this burning slowly increasing, creeping discomfort......
I get off the bus and call the wife "you need to pick me up NOW"
She gets me and drives me the rest of the way. I walk into my apartment, scared to even assess the damage. I pull my boxers down and it's a bloody mess (literally). My hair was burnt clean off, each follicle was a drop of blood, the skin on my dick had opened up. I guess the sweat and water had re-activated this stripper and it had been eating away at my already sensitive flesh for this half hour bus ride.
Still my stubborn self refused to go to the hospital, so the SO calls the poison control hotline, telling her I need to either go to the hospital or shower for at least one hour.
I put a towel in my mouth, turned on the shower (cold water), and showered. Most painful shower of my life.
Spent the next two days on the couch with a dish towel draped over my dick playing videogames. No secks for at least 3 weeks after that.
TLDR: I got highly concentrated paint stripper all over my junk. It went badly.
WPBDoc: Should be interesting filling out those Workman's Comp papers.
burntmyballs: I own the business. No workers comp for me.
doctor_why: You fool. You foolish fool.
| 4 | 5 | |
1402952044 | 1403111190 | t3_28b7yg | t5_2to41 | 1,439 | frothissumbitchaway: TIFU by logging into my wife's facebook account.
We've been together for over 6 years and married for over 3. I've never done this before. I've never had a reason to. I don't condone it. I think it's chickenshit. I think it shows my overall lack of self confidence. I can't take it back now.
We had a turbulent beginning. She left me for almost a year, got engaged, and then said she realized she wouldn't be happy unless she spent her life with me. I felt the same way, and still do. I work long hours at my job. Never done anything else. She had a dream of being a nurse. I told her I'd make it happen. 2 kids and LPN school later, we still found ourselves leading hectic lives with odd schedules. I tried to tell her things would change. That we wouldn't always make love on the 18th green of the local golf course. That a time would come where we wouldn't stay up every night until 3:00 am talking about everything, and nothing. She's read too many books. Watched too many movies. I tried to tell her. I tried to prepare her.
A guy started randomly commenting on her status updates. She quit tagging me in her picture uploads. She started posting vague music quotes that didn't really pertain to us. We don't make love near as much as we used to. We go to bed at different times. She tells me she loves me and that she is happy but she needs more from me. I'm trying really really hard. She hasn't found her job in the nursing field yet so I'm sole breadwinner on a commission only income that is feast or famine. I have a lot on my plate. Sometimes I get emotionally detached. We have discussed it, and she knows I'm really working on it.
It got the best of me today. I have known her login and password information for years. This was the first time I've ever used them. My hands were shaking. It didn't feel right. I didn't know what I would find. What I found was what I feared I would find. Some very flirtatious exchanges between my wife and dude that was previously mentioned. Nothing vulgar. Nothing obscene. Just some super friendly correspondence that made me feel lacking as a man. "Run away to me." "I wish I could." "Send me more pics." "Maybe later. <3."
I don't know what to do but I do know it will never be the same. And not because of her. Because of me. This breached every bit of trust I told her I had in her. I'm not sure how to handle things, I just know I fucked up.
[deleted]: I have been in almost the same situation, but engaged not married. You definitely need to own up to having snooped. Apologize sincerely but then insist that once she has calmed down, she needs to talk to you about what's going on. Explain the things that made you snoop (the lack of tagging pictures, less sex, etc). If she needs a few hours or a day to calm down and think, give her that but do NOT let her off the hook for explaining.
The thing that worries me most about her exchange is that she sent a picture of your son. Usually, with any kind of cheating (physical, emotional, etc) children are kept out of it until things progress to a serious level. If she already feels comfortable sending a picture of her husbands child to another man, that's a giant red flag.
My relationship didn't survive cheating. Once I caught him out he admitted that he had an emotional affair going on and promised to end it. It ended, but 3 months later she showed up in town and convinced him to sleep with her. I called things off.
You may still be able to save the relationship, but you need a serious and firm commitment from her that she wants this to work, and is willing to make it work. I would recommend suggesting a shared Facebook account so there can't be secrets OR snooping, and probably some counselling.
If you were already warning her from the beginning of the relationship that things wouldn't be all dreamy forever, it sounds that perhaps she isn't very mature and that you probably already knew that. Some serious, adult discussion is needed.
Good luck good luck...go in with honesty, apologize first, and be firm in getting an explanation.
stratagem_: This is the most level headed advice I've ever read on the internet that so perfectly fit the situation. I couldn't have said it better. I was literally reading this thinking about what I was going to say but then I read it from you.
Edit: figure it out.
huggledump: Couldn't *have* said it better
FTFY
keyilan: Oh get over it already. If you knew what they meant well enough to correct them, you knew what they meant well enough.
Why is "couldn't of" so bothersome to you yet you missed the mis-spelling of "advice"? If you're going to be an annoying pedant about people's language use on Reddit, at least be a *consistent* pedant.
huggledump: I didn't correct his spelling, I corrected his choice of words. Not the same thing you'll agree.
keyilan: I disagree
bacon_flavored: You're wrong. I agree not to let the death of the English language occur through inaction. Spelling mistakes are common and understandable. That "of" vs "have" error is just ignorance and worth correcting.
vidurnaktis: > death of the English language
Are we actually on the last few thousand speakers yet? Or is this just a spelling mistake that you're blowing outta proportion?
bacon_flavored: From the sheer number of people who spell as if they're stream of consciousness is flowing out of their fingers phonetically versus correctly yes, I do feel we're on the last few thousand speakers. I'm not about to start a campaign over it but if I can gently assist some people along the way why the heck not? It's not like I cursed his family and kicked his dog.
Damned Reddit's got sensitive nipples.
vidurnaktis: Who determines what "correct" even is tho? What makes them correct? And if someone is typing something out phonetically, rather than "correctly", doesn't that mean that what's correct is inefficient? And I thought you pedantic types were all about efficiency (except where it contradicts you guys, I s'pose).
The reason those of us who study language, linguists, get in a tizzy because it's a pointless exercise that does nothing but reinforce stereotypes and the meme of their being "one, true, English". There isn't there are myriad Englishes and if someone wants to spell the chain [ˈʃʌ.dəv] as <should of> well then whatever. While I personally agree on the point that there should be a standard way of writing that does preclude such a sloppy and inefficient writing system as we have ourselves.
bacon_flavored: Could've, would've, should've. Each means could *have*, would *have*, should *have*.
When you say it, it sounds like would-ve. This translates to those who have only spoken it without writing it out as would *of*.
Not being pedantic. I'm legitimately correcting an incorrect usage of a common phrase and in doing so, trying to help the person who used it. Again, I didn't say "haha you fucking idiot you don't engrish gud".
I see no benefit to enabling the incorrect usage of common phrases by attacking the efforts of a person genuinely attempting to help.
vidurnaktis: > I see no benefit to enabling the incorrect usage of common phrases by attacking the efforts of a person genuinely attempting to help.
But here's the thing, it ain't helping. They know what they're saying, just not how to spell it. It does nothing but reinforce feelings of inferiority, even if you're "being nice", which while commendable is still a dick move.
When us linguists record folks who'd write <of> instead of <'ve> or <have> we find that they're still using the latter form, just spelling it with the former, they aren't using it wrong just using the wrong representation.
bacon_flavored: Well I just disagree but that's fine as I'm nobody important. I see it as just another example of people saying "I axed you something." or "I'm fidd'na go later."
I'm definitely not a crusader for this point though so I'll bow out.
vidurnaktis: Before you go:
[Ax, Axe as a variant of ask](http://etymonline.com/index.php?allowed_in_frame=0&search=ask&searchmode=none):
> Modern dialectal ax is as old as Old English acsian and was an accepted literary variant until c.1600.
Just saying but learning some linguistics'll do the lot of you some good.
bacon_flavored: >until c. 1600.
Now I'm being pedantic.
vidurnaktis: Yes, yes you are, I'm glad you can recognise such.
| 17 | 84.647059 | |
1402953554 | 1403018046 | t3_28bam9 | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a message on a customers phone at work.
Posted this in a comment in another thread, was told it belongs here, which it does to be honest. This all happened today, about 7 hours ago now.
I called a customer that had phoned up to complain her delivery wasn't done today, that our drivers were lying to her and to us and that they had not bothered to go to her house, to let her know that our delivery drivers had phoned her this morning to let her know it would be delivered between 10-11am, rung her when they were half an hour away, waited at her house for 15 minutes and took a picture of her front door and posted a letter through the letterbox, had indeed turned up at her house, and she needed to re-arrange delivery and pay a re-delivery charge.
She didn't answer so instead I left a message, then as I finished, rather than hang the phone up I pressed the hang up button and turned to my colleague to discuss how much of a bullshitter this customer was. After 15 seconds of discussing the incident with my colleague, saying she was a liar and and how much she is trying to play us, and that I was really starting to get sick of her shit and wish she could be civil and not an arse, I turned and realised the phone was still on the line in my hand. I panicked and hung up, immediately regretting my decision. I phoned back 4 times and there was no answer. I am now waiting to go into work tomorrow and get an angry phone call from this lady.
It is also worth mentioning that I am one of the store managers, so if she does call and wants to speak to a manager, i have to explain that I AM the manager.
TLDR: left message for customer, discussed how stupid she was at trying to play us and was trying to bullshit stuff for free like most customers with colleague while i was still leaving a message, hung up out of panic.
bluebrandy: oooh idea, don't tell her you are the manager and instead say "okay ill just get him, badaboop, hello this is the manager speaking ... yes ... well thank you for informing me of the situation it will be dealt with" she'll never know :D
PhilRawr: Haha, i will have to put on a different voice to pull this off, and if i get busted i would probably be in even more shit, but worth a try!
not_octoham: Give the phone to your coworker and have them explain how disappointed they are in you.
because_physics: When I worked in retail, my manager had me impersonate them so they didn't have to deal with calls.
[deleted]: Doesnt just happen in retail.
Back when i was a <Unspecified menial government employee> i basically had a manager who didnt know how to do his job, but he was a cool guy so we kind of wanted to keep him around rather than get him fired for incompetence (Which we could have done with ease)
So basically i ended up doing his job and he ended up rubber stamping it. Only proper managerial things he actually did were go to the upper management meetings and put his signature on some stuff, if he needed a decision made, he came to me, hell by the end i was even chairing the staff meetings myself.
All of which was sweet till he died unexpectedly and despite having done his job competently for 18 months i was deemed not to have enough experience compared to the perky former nursery school teacher who got the job having been employed by us as a postal clerk 2 months prior (Never did figure out who she was blowing to manage that one)
I was promptly asked to train Ms Perky IN the job i apparently wasn't good enough to do (Thus confirming they knew fine well it was me doing it all along).
I just laughed and vowed never to volunteer an ounce of effort more than was minimally required by my job description, for that agency, ever again. And i never did
| 6 | 11.833333 | |
1402954398 | 1402982815 | t3_28bc0t | t5_2to41 | 16 | MadDocPatimuss: TIFU (multiple times) by being a g-damn cheapskate
This happened a few months ago but I was reminded of it today. So a bit of background to start. The front drivers side window on my wife's car stops working and it is stuck about 2/3rds of the way up. We take it in to our mechanic and the quote to replace the motor is in the range of a few hundred bucks (the motor is rather inaccessible so a lot of labor to get at it). We are a family of four living on a single income so money can get tight at times. We decide that a functional window is a luxury so I make plans to pull the door open and figure out a way to close the window in a few days (was in the middle of a really busy week at work). So this is where the first fuck up happens. Two days later someone used the stuck open window to gain access to the car. Fortunately we had thought to remove any valuables from the car but they ended up taking the owners manual and my Wife's renaissance fair costume hat (in retrospect no idea why that was left when we grabbed everything else worth value). So that night, despite getting off of work after dark and it being about 30f outside, I take apart the door and unhook the cables connecting the window to the motor. Now the window can be shut, but it can also be opened if you press on it the right way. We figure this is good enough because the window appears to be secure and it's not like people just go around pushing on car windows (fuck up number 2). Sure enough a few days pass and someone has opened the window, got into the car and tried to steal it using a screwdriver. Lucky for us our car is new enough (06) that they failed. unlucky for us we had to get the lock cylinder replaced which cost a couple hundred bucks (if I remember right). Once we get the car back from the mechanic I decide I am going to "fix" this window once and for all. Once again after work when it is cold and dark I get out there and I pull the door off. My plan is to use a dowl rod to permanently prop the window closed. I cut it to length and kept trying to get it into a position that would hold the window. Unfortunately it keeps slipping. I decide my best course of action is to cut a notch into the dowl that will keep it steady. Now I have some tools in the house, but by this point I am so fed up with this whole ordeal that I decide to instead use the knife on the multi-tool I happened to have on hand(fuck up number 3). I Cut a notch out of the side carefully to the depth of the cut I will be making from the top. I then line up the knife on the end of the dowl and start working my way down towards the notch. I get about a third of the way down when the wood splits and the knife slips. See, I had made the mistake of thinking the grain of the wood would be parallel with the rod when in reality it ran at an angle. Anyway, a chunk of dowl goes flying through the air, I drop the knife, and I yell fuck within about 1/2 of a second before even registering pain or seeing what I had done. It's like I knew on some cosmic level how colossally I had just fucked up. I look down and I see a massive gash in my index finger on my left hand. I go off to the hospital and get 6 stitches, and then in a couple months we get the hospital bill for ~$900 after insurance.
Pictures of the cut and the stitches: http://imgur.com/a/rXvQz
The doctor was shocked that I managed to miss any nerves or tendons.
TLDR: To avoid paying $300 dollars to get my wife's car window fixed I decided to DIY/jerry-rig it and ended up paying $200 for a new lock cylinder, $900 in medical bills, and my Wife's hat got stolen.
Oh, and did I mention that the reason I was reminded of this was because I absent mindedly tried to use the window today only to hear the motor magically working again, but of course because of the dowl the window isn't actually functional.
Edit: Spelling and clarity
bgb82: Who the hell takes a car manual..?
cultivatorchris: Tweakers.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1402952639 | 1403038323 | t3_28b922 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Nildalee: TIFU by laughing my ass off at a little boy falling
So I was on holiday at this big cruise ship with my family. My sister and I were talking, when I saw a warning sign near a door saying something like ''Step over the lip.'' Basically the door had a high clearing that you have to step over.
*I had just been told by a friend a story about some guy robbing a bank, slipping on the wet floor and getting a concussion, sued the bank and ended up winning the case. I thought this was pretty hilarious/sad, and after that I started noticing these silly warnings that are obviously just there to prevent lawsuits.*
So I told my sister about this, she laughed and said something like *Haha the system is so stupid.* (true dat) I then pointed to the warning sign on the wall and said *What would people do if that sign wasnt there? Walk into it and fall over?* (This list-thingy was at least 40 cm tall)
Well, literally 3 seconds after the words leave my mouth i witness a boy at around 4 years running brainlessly around with generally little precision in arms/legs, with his mother trying to keep up the pace. And what does he do? **He fuckin' runs straight into the lip and dives face-first into the floor!** *Shoulda read the sign, bitch!*
While he plummets into the floor, his mother ghasps and runs to help him up/check if he is okay, my sister lets out an *Oh damn* and I **can't control my laughter.** Im LMAO'ing so hard at the unfortunate timing. Im definately not sadistic, idk, you shoulda been there. Well, sister went all *Why the fuck are you laughing Nildalee* (I can see she is struggling to control her own laughter) and mother of illiterate kid looks up at me and give me a ''You're dead to me'' look and probably thinking I was a fuckin' idiot.
oh boi
Voyager5555: Are you asking if a raised portion of a floor is called a "list"?
Nildalee: Well not sure how I would describe it other than that in the doorway you had this kinda metaly thing pointing up, about 10 cm wide and 40 cm tall. This happened a few years ago so I cant recall exactly what the sign said.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402955078 | 1403585176 | t3_28bd5y | t5_2to41 | 472 | ScoobyJew101: TIFU by suggesting a a film for my parents to watch (NSFW)
So I'm 21 and currently home for the summer after my second year of university. Since I've been away my mother has blessed herself with a new boyfriend and don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her.
So this evening (30 minutes ago to be precise, I know how you guys love a fresh one) we suggested that a good film would round up the day and because I have a Netflix account they seem to think I'm IMDb or something. They asked me for a film basically. Upon browsing review sites and then reading the nice romantic basis of the movie I chose '9 Songs'. NOPE.
If you're unaware of this film, it's a British film that includes 100% real sex with oral, various positions and of course, ejaculation. I might as well have just put on PornHub and ask what they like. After 20 minutes I had to turn it off, they retired (yes...to probably have sex) and I was just alone with shame and half a bowl of popcorn. I think next time I'll just choose one from the 'Kids' genre.
EDIT: Netflix never had that film on it. I was just using it as a reference to why they trusted my film choice. Sorry to mislead.
BrainsOfFutureGods: and this is on Netflix, you say?
Thachiefs4lyf: Not available in US
sixout: Since when? I watched it about 6 months ago on Netflix and am in the US.
Thachiefs4lyf: I'm just repeating what someone else further up said
| 5 | 94.4 | |
1402955499 | 1402960006 | t3_28bduu | t5_2to41 | 6 | SplitSpindle: Tifu by getting a hj from my girlfriend
Well reddit, I was having a great day up until this- Was getting "hot and heavy" with gf and started getting a hand job from my girlfriend. Was going great until my brother walks in almost seeing everything and the gf (obviously) stopping. Resulting in severe and painful blue balls for about the next 1.5 hours. It was wonderful.
werehound: You didn't just head to the bathroom and finish? Why would you suffer through that for so long?
SplitSpindle: How embarrassing is it when you can't finish later on though? What are you supposed to say? "Yeah, you know, I went and jerked it. Sorry babe." hahaha I'm only 17 and we haven't been dating very long, so I'm not really sure how she would've felt about that haha.
werehound: Didn't have to tell her. Gotta learn to take care of yourself, man.
SplitSpindle: Very true..good advice. Thanks!
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1402956200 | 1402962499 | t3_28bf07 | t5_2to41 | 16 | mattrmac: TIFU I'm working out of town and I'm staying in a hotel......
and I look out to see my roomie coming back inside..... so I plan it out and hide in waiting.... I hear my roomie come up the stairs and then I jumped out screaming. I had a look of shock on my face which helped a little but the gentleman in front of me(who wasn't my roomie) was 230lbs of solid muscle and he swung on reflex. Which knocked me the fuck out. He realized it wasn't for him which is why he didn't proceed to kick my ass more..... I have beer at least to ease the pain....
FTFYFTFY: :) you're welcome
now go buy him a bottle of tequila as a thank you present
mattrmac: I gave him a beer.... CLOSE ENOUGH
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1402957364 | 1402961978 | t3_28bgp2 | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on holiday to Sheffield
Personguy13: I hate to brake it to you but your sin may have heard
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28apyb/tifu_well_my_parents_fucked_up_nsfw/
theranderson: shit
Mypopsecrets: Haha, ohh please tell me this is real life
instantaneous_regret: Who summoned me?
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1402956866 | 1403070800 | t3_28bfz4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Slice_of_Toast: TIFU by going round a friend's sleepover.
Ok, this story is about 3 years old, but it's my most cringe-worthy story to date:
When I was 11 (in Year 7), I went round a primary school friend's house with a couple of his friends who I didn't know (as we went to different secondary schools) for a final sleepover, as you did when you were young. We had a great time - played some xbox, mucked about in the garden, watched some tv, you know, the stuff boys do.
It turns out that the stuff which boys do includes fapping - I learnt this when we went to bed.
We all slept in the same room with the giant TV, and as it turned out, they switched it to the free porn channels and were looking up porn on their laptops and tablets, whilst I just sat there. It was a literal circlejerk.
I'm not into that type of thing, so it was awful for me, having to listen to them jerking it and moaning whilst I'm desperately trying to sleep...
Funnily enough, we haven't spoken since.
TL;DR Went to a friend's sleepover, they spent the night masturbating to porn when I was trying to sleep. ;u;
mythrowawayresponse: > whilst I'm desperately trying to sleep...
first rule of sleepover nights...
1. don't fall asleep
[deleted]: I think it's don't fall asleep **first** lol
spoRADicalme: Especially when there are a bunch of guys fapping around you.
| 4 | 4 | |
1402954632 | 1402970353 | t3_28bcet | t5_2to41 | 50 | noseonarug17: TIFU by making up a stupid name for Runescape
The T here stands for "ten-ish years ago." When I was 10 or 11 my cousin wanted me to make a Runescape account (I'm a rebel, sorry) and I couldn't think of a name that didn't sound generic or cliche. No idea how I came up with noseonarug17, but on Saturday I had a terrible realization brought to my attention: it's a blatant innuendo. I've used that shit for every account in the last ten years. Goddammit. Well, it's not gonna change now. #cunnilingus4lyfe
mythrowawayresponse: makes it especially hawt if you are female.
noseonarug17: I am not.
mythrowawayresponse: was that a strong not or a soft not... like a not yet... because that'd be hawt too.
noseonarug17: ಠ_ಠ
diggity420: What the hell is happening here
fireisveryfun: Whatever you want to happen... :D
| 7 | 7.142857 | |
1402955834 | 1403023505 | t3_28bedv | t5_2to41 | 78 | drpepperjustice: TIFU by dropping a class....the wrong class
I was registering for fall classes and instead of dropping the fall class, I dropped the one that I am currently in, and didn't realize it until I went to check my grades a week later (today). Now I'm trying like hell to get it back...waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I'm fucked.
dantemirror: I often had nightmares of the sort in college.
For example, having enrolled on a class and then forgetting about it all semester and ending up flunked owing the credits.
I hope the teacher can vouch for you and help you fix this error!
hawaiianbry: I had a waking nightmare like this the day *after* I got my diploma. Was at the sink, washing dishes, and then had a sudden sense of dread wash over me: *did I submit my final paper? Did I take all the classes that I need? Am I going to have to come back in the fall?*
Had to run to the living room and stare at my diploma for a good minute to get it into my head that I was indeed done with higher ed once and for all.
lolvlol: I still have dreams like this and I graduated 5 years ago.
hawaiianbry: Good gravy, do they ever go away?!
Orcspit: 35 years old and they haven't yet. Its usually when I am under a lot of stress for something unrelated that I have a dream about it being the last day of school and realizing that I actually didn't ever go to a single class.
| 6 | 13 | |
1402956921 | 1402963963 | t3_28bg24 | t5_2to41 | 11 | FirstForFun44: [TIFU] By telling a girl she had "Vascular Hands" and then going for broke [NSFW]
My birthday was this weekend so I had a full weekend bender, the kind where you go to sleep at 9am from drinking the night before and wake up at 5pm. Well I decided to go grab some drinks from the local bar area and my friend and I decide to bar crawl; this is after day drinking. A group of my friends show up, including the girl in question. This girl is cool, and a good friend of the group. I don't think she's been around quite long enough to understand my particular brand of weird, though. Anyways she's in pretty good shape and wearing a sleeveless shirt and for some reason I notice her hands. I had been talking about how vascular my arms got after working out with friends earlier in the day so they understood my line of thinking, but it must have seemed random to her. So I commented that her hands were really vascular and she looks at me with the, "What the fuck are you talking about?", look. So I point to her hands and I'm like look, and she kinda flinches like nooooo don't touch my hands weirdo. At this point in my head I'm thinking "You're the weirdo here I ain't going down like this", so I do what anybody would do: I say fuck it and go for broke. If she was going to be offended I was damn well gonna give her reason to be.... So I proceeded to mention how if she lubed up her hand and gave me a handy it would look and potentially feel the exact same as if I was masturbating. I've talked to her since then I think she wants to chalk it up to I was blackout drunk but I REMEMBER EVERYTHING AND I HAVE NO RAGRETS.
vikingfairy: You are weird.
FirstForFun44: Noted, but in my defense I moderate it really well until I'm absolutely one step from blacking out.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402960492 | 1402971824 | t3_28blfk | t5_2to41 | 37 | FuckingOil: TIFU by driving my car with no oil
Today I was driving on the highway when my car suddenly lurched, the engine stopped working, and I coasted to the side of the road. After getting my car towed I just heard back that my car is toast. The engine is destroyed. The reason: no oil.
I've never been much of a car person. I knew that oil was important, but I was never really sure why it was important. To me, oil was like gas, you need gas to run the car and you need oil to run the car. I've driven with a pretty low gas tank before so I thought I could do the same with oil. Like I said, I knew oil was important, but I didn't know *why* is was important, or the dangers of not having any oil in your engine. Now my car is worth about $200.
I never even checked my oil. I thought that was something you do every few months or so. After reading more about it, my next car will have its oil checked at every fill up. I will also keep spare oil around. This will never happen again.
SAY27: An IMPORTANT related fact:
Many (most) people believe that the red oil light on their dashboard lights up when they need oil.
WRONG!!!
Normal operating oil pressure in an engine is about 30 lbs per sq inch. That light is set to come on at 5 lbs of pressure. When that oil light comes on it means YOU ARE NOW RUINING YOUR ENGINE (and here's why).
Drive to the next gas station at your own risk. Best to buy a quart of oil and throw it in the trunk just in case.
(BTW the same rule holds for the HOT light......ie when it comes on it means YOU ARE NOW RUINING YOUR ENGINE (cause it's hot).
FuckingOil: That's what I thought it meant: Oil is low, better add some soon. I drove quite a while with the red light on.
justingain: Well the light side is you've helped fellow redditors because I thought the same exact thing as you. Sorry bout your car dude. :(
FuckingOil: Thanks. Check your oil often!
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1402962856 | 1402988363 | t3_28boxx | t5_2to41 | 10 | peeeach: TIFU by Selling an ebay item to the "Russian Federation"
Yup, I sure is stupid. So let's just get that out of the way.
The weird thing is that I never enable international sales on ebay. How did I slip up and allow someone from outside the U.S to purchase my item, not sure. The sale went through over a month ago. Anyways, so I sold this really sweet student oboe for about $525 plus shipping which is a bit high considering I also bought tracking and insurance.
Russia Priority Mail International.
Shoulda got that signature confirmation. I knows it now.
Anyways, so I get this notice that the buyer is claiming it was never received. After doing some research I find that people buying stuff and having it shipped to the Russian Federation from the states- usually are doing a scam. UGH, In my haste to get some cash because I was struggling financially (still am) I overlooked how messed up this situation was. Too good to be an honest transaction.
TL;DR- Sold my damn oboe to the wrong guy, oops now I'm more poor and about to overdraft
FallingDarkness: If the sale went through more than 45 days ago, then it's outside of PayPal's dispute window anyway. The most the buyer can do now is file a chargeback. To dispute this, all you need to do is provide the CC with tracking info showing that the package was delivered (a signature is not required). The case will be automatically closed, unable to be appealed, and the best the buyer can do is go to civil court. They won't.
peeeach: The buyer has opened it and disputed it in paypal as well as ebay. There is some sort of communication disconnect that happens between the USPS and Russian Post. I've done a little bit of research and that's how there are so many scammers getting away with it. They've found a loophole in the mail system and are taking advantage of it. The tracking info stops after it gets through customs and gets to the Russian Post Office. It has been "at the Russian Post Office" since May 26th! There is no delivery confirmation, and because of the miscommunication there might never be.
FallingDarkness: Wow, sorry to hear that. It's a much smoother system when the postal office actually gives you the information they're supposed to you. Good luck with the dispute.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1402965451 | 1402983599 | t3_28bszg | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By ditching class to see someone who was in Catching Fire.
Okay, so Jena Malone(yeah...you can google her) came to my school to...um promote North by NorthEast and I skipped class(It was being held in the auditorium/cafeteria). It was the most boring hour and a half ever. She kept singing these really nonsensical, nonrhythmic, non rhyming songs and it seemed like she was just so not into it, actually if I recall one of the main themes of one of the songs was google maps. Also he kept "bragging" about how tough it is to shoot for a movie and whatnot and how she only attended one year of high school.
I would've taken a photo but my phone camera is shit
Puns_and_irony: How is this a fuck up?
QueenNaynay: He/she fucked up by thinking an actor was a better alternative than sitting in his/her class. But the actor was boring as hell
Puns_and_irony: Cheers
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1402965332 | 1402968802 | t3_28bsss | t5_2to41 | 6 | brokemyfriendsheart: TIFU by liking two of my best friends
This happened a few days ago actually. I'm a teenage male that likes two of his friends. Specifically (because of identification sake), they are of two different cultures.
So here's the situation, Girl 1 is ethically *okay* and compatible with me. But I'm more comfortable with Girl 2 but due to ethics I can't chase her. So I'm chasing for Girl 1 and they both know it. Though, Girl 2 doesn't know that I liked her until I told her a few days ago.
Girl 2 hates the fact that she also likes me but can't do anything because our whole circle of friends know that I'm chasing after Girl 1 and it would cause **HAVOC**. She has since then stopped communicating with me. There are only 5 people including Girl 2 that know that I like both of them.
Also, they are dearly important to me and if I lose those two because of this fuck up, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Thank you in advance if anyone does read this. I have already cried 2 nights before this TIFU and I hope I don't continue to do so sooner or later. This also helped me relieve of some stress, I guess, too.
crazyea: I'm bad at reading. My first thought was "killing" two of my best friends.
aldekeyser: It would have been a much better story.
| 3 | 2 | |
1402968973 | 1402976177 | t3_28byjg | t5_2to41 | 11 | beepboop42: TIFU ...by learning what I did Friday while blackout drunk
Some small companies are strong with the drinking culture.
Mine is one of those.
The problem didn't really kick in until I switching from glasses of wine to glasses of tequila, though I'm pretty sure at that point I was already too drunk to tell the difference.
Apparently I kissed one of my two coworkers I was drinking with. I don't remember this, he told me a day after the fact.
I'm a lesbian. (Clarification - sober lesbian, drunk I'll flirt with anyone.)
Most of this is caught on camera.
Coworker blocked me on Facebook.
What the shit.
TIFU....
[deleted]: Ahh don't worry; worse things happen at sea.
beepboop42: That helps, actually. haha. Thanks for the reminder.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402968592 | 1402975032 | t3_28bxwk | t5_2to41 | 12 | heusedtocallmeDN: TIFU by eating extra spicy cheetos
This happened 15 minutes ago. I was hungry and bored so I went to see what there was to eat in my house. My mom went shopping yesterday and brought 2 bags of the extra spicy cheeto bags (my sisters favorite). I said "how spicy can they be?" They were the spiciest things I've ever had. I'm a weak person when it comes to spicy things. I ran back to the kitchen to get some water and got a cup that was on the table. I didn't care what the drink was I just needed something to take away that burning feeling from my mouth. As I drank I noticed something lumpy was in the drink. I spit it out and I shit you not it was a cockroach. I screamed to loud. I am now typing up this TIFU as I cry. And yes, I did make an account just to share this horrible, horrible experience.
Please excuse any mistakes I'm using my phone to type this.
fireisveryfun: Never drink water when you eat something spicy, it spreads the chemicals that cause the feeling drink milk it neutralizes it.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: This. Water is a polar solvent meaning it is best at disolving polar substances. The stuff that makes stuff spicy, capsaicin, is a long organic compound and is non polar. Thus, to disolve it you need something like milk which contains fats that can bind to the capsaicin and move it "down stream" so to say.
| 3 | 4 | |
1402961576 | 1403058345 | t3_28bn1z | t5_2to41 | 21 | ftruong: TIFU by helping the DJ find his iPhone
I was at a grad party last night where the house DJ was being lazy at first and wanted to plug in his iPhone into the mixer. After a while, several other people wanted to "plug in" as well.
Two hours pass and now he wants to DJ. Realizes his iPhone is no where to be seen. Wanting to be the drunk hero, I yell I'LL HELP YOU FIND IT. We call it, IT RINGS. Ok, good. I open FindMyiPhone on my phone and see it's still at the house.
I find it about 15 minutes later after searching, and realized it was under a few sweatshirts. I run up to him to brohug over the discovery. This nice shiny new iPhone 5s instantly flies out of my hand and shatters.
Kinda felt like an asshole after that.
11235813__: How did you use Find My iPhone to find his iphone?
Aubear11885: You just sign into whoever's iCloud account.
11235813__: Ahh, that makes sense. Wasn't thinking then.
redoverture: >Wasn't thinking then.
"*then*"
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1402977285 | 1403047570 | t3_28cafu | t5_2to41 | 21 | TheBananaPhone: TIFU by asking a girl I asked out if I could ask her best friend out.
I met two gorgeous girls at an event and we had a brief interaction where I made them laugh and pretty much charmed them. I've never had any luck in this department before but I found one of them on the event page on Facebook and messaged her about how cute I found the both of them. Almost instantly they both added me.
The next few days were spent trying to pick which one I wanted to take out. I picked one and I asked her out and gave her my number. She's really active in the community and frankly it was intimidating as fuck but ultimately she was flattered by my awkward attempts at romance. Things were going great but the date was postponed because of her exams to about three weeks from the original day. Naturally this made all the anxieties a lot more apparent. I kept busy and just about three days before we were finally about to go out I went to my friend's place. Things were great! I had built a rainbow of possibilities for her to prance on!
I told my friend about this girl and her friend that I met at this event and she told me not to fuck it up cause she was the cutest fucking thing. We talk about them for awhile and I mention how I still found both of them attractive and not just the one. My friend says she's dated the same person as her best friend before and that it shouldn't be too bad so long as they know I'm not trying to two time them.
I get home at 2am and I fucking text her and ask if I could take her friend out as well. That did not go well. And guess what I did next? I try and justify it fucking saying how I wasn't trying to screw around with them and that I was still interested in her and that I wanted her to call me about our date. A few hours after that interaction I suddenly realize what the fuck happened and apologize profusely and now I lost what was going to be my first date in fucking ever.
TL;DR I'm a douche.
soomuchamerica: Welp...
TheBananaPhone: Yep.
soomuchamerica: At least you didn't get greedy and ask the babe you were excited to take out if you could ALSO take out her friend...
Voyager5555: At least you didn't get over excited and not actually read what happened.
soomuchamerica: I did...
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1402978082 | 1403025220 | t3_28cbhu | t5_2to41 | -6 | EscapedKonvict: TIFU by falling in love with one of my best friends girlfriends
They've been together for over 3 years but are in a long distance relationship and have only seen each other a few tumes over that period. But they seem to be okay with it. I've had these feelings for awhile and I'm unable to tell her because 1) her boyfriend is my friend and I fear losing a friend potentially 2. 2) her best friend is in love with me which prevented me from dating her before they got together, but now I think her friend is over so it's more the reason to tell her I feel this way. But there's also so many reasons I shouldnt. What do I do? Halp.
bibitty_boo: You've known your friend longer than the girl, tell him you want her. If he doesn't go Bros before hoes you really need better friends. He'll understand.
EscapedKonvict: I think he loves her. He wouldn't be with her for so long if he didn't. I think it would just make him hate me. Btw thanks for the reply :~)
bibitty_boo: He loves her, then how does he feel about you? He's had her for 3 years, either he puts a ring on it, or he gives his best friend a try.
Voyager5555: Yes, that's exactly how relationships work.
bibitty_boo: Are you saying I haven't had friends before? Because I have.
Voyager5555: You've had friendships where someone says to you "Hey, I like my girl but not going to marry this one, you want a ride?" And no, was more talking about dating relationships, how many of those have you had where you've let your friends "try her out"?
| 7 | -0.857143 | |
1402978609 | 1403022999 | t3_28cc5w | t5_2to41 | 4 | isaacflod: TIFU by making homemade black coffee
So I've never drunk coffee before.
>Be me
>no sleep
>need coffein
>never made coffee before
>mkay lets do dis
>pours water into the little container thing on the machine
>pours water into the coffee can
>turns it on
>makes coffee out of the remaining old coffee in the water container
>wtf man gross
>adds like 2 dl black coffee into the coffee can
>wait i gotta filter dis shit
>puts coffee filter in mug
>pours coffee
>spills everywhere but gets some in the mug
>kay lets drink dis
>gets water incase of it tasting like shit
>takes a sip
>tastes like pure black shit
>swoops it all and drinks water
>almost throws up
>energized as fuck
>mission acomplished
So since I've never drunk coffee before maybe I shouldn't have started with homemade DYI black coffee. Oh well.
Voyager5555: Next time go to starbucks.
isaacflod: It was 6 in the morning ;-;
Voyager5555: Too early for google?
isaacflod: Too tired for google
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1402982655 | 1403112959 | t3_28cgzb | t5_2to41 | 54 | rust_stardust: TIFU by telling my boyfriend he got me the shittiest presents
So, it's my birthday today, and my boyfriend asks me to bring out my two broken necklaces to get fixed. One was from him, 10k white gold and sapphire, and one was from my grandfather, 24k white gold. He asked me what the difference in karat meant. Not thinking, I said '10k is the shitty one' Not funny at all. I don't know why I said it. It was a stupid joke I didn't mean. I keep trying to back track but his face is pale.
Later he gives me a box, and says 'I don't know if actually want this. It's pretty shitty' It was a bracelet. Beautiful, and 10k white gold.
I'm unintentionally the meanest girlfriend ever.
nhebert1987: Give him a blowjob, problem solved
Itacke: BJ solves everything!
klb0903: In all seriousness, they don't. Sorry to OP, but this could have crushed him.
I have low self-esteem and if I'm insulted on the right topics, I just shut down. BJs, sex, compliments, they all sound like bullshit to me. Even though I'm sure he realizes that you said that without thinking, it still hurts. I know in my case, if I heard this I would instantly feel unworthy, useless, and unsuccessful. I absolutely hate not being able to give the whole world to a girl if I want to.
ramones365: I have the same problem. But hey, a blowjob has to help a bit at least.
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1402983116 | 1402991047 | t3_28chhc | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex
So my gf and I saw eachother in college today. We both have class mondays but have an hour break inbetween classes. So we hugged.. and kissed.. and then proceeded to make love. We started out in a bathroom located on the second floor of D building. It was one of those bathrooms that locks, I guess the handicap accessible ones? anyways, I put her on the sink and did my thing, and we decided to switch positions, So me being 6'5, I plop my ass on the sink where my girlfriend was sitting, facing towards her and letting her ride me on an angle.. until I feel the entire fucking sink collapse underneath us. instantly my gf hopped off, zipped up her ~~pants~~ SKIRT and fucking bolted out the door laughing.. leaving me with a stiffy, blue balls, and one hand holding onto this ceramic sink thats spraying water everywhere and hanging about a foot away from the bathroom floor (I caught it mid-air, I was fucking impressed too). So I decide to say fuck it, drop the ceramic sink, shut the lights off and close the door. thank fucking god noone was around the bathrooms at this time. So i see my gf outside the bathroom just giggling away.. and obviously I wasn't going to let a ceramic sink get in the way of my glorious orgasm in college, so I decide to take her to the prayer room (my college has a prayer room.. mainly occupied by muslims and indians, but was vacant at the time). The prayer room is about 10 feet in width and length, and height, all there was inside was a prayer rug, and a 3 person couch, and a chair. There was no lock on this prayer room door however.. which made me think of the chair. I slammed the chair against the door hoping it would give us a little bit of time prior to being interupted for some religious fanatic that actually uses the prayer room for prayer. Well, I lifted her skirt and ripped off her panties and got to work. It wasn't until I came all over the carpet when 3 brown guys wielding turbans came marching in. and HOLYYY FUCK. It was a nightmare, my gf and I got dressed as quickly as we could and I forced our way through the 3 raging turban wearing religious guys.. me being 6'5 helped a little. Anyways, im hoping to see an out of order sign on the bathroom door that I destroyed as well as a new carpet in the soon to be lockable prayer room tomorrow.
lostdeceiver: >... in a bathroom located on the second floor of ***D*** building
How appropriate.
STILLCOUNTSIJUSTHAD: Because d is the first letter in the word "dick" question mark
lostdeceiver: Also because she got the D in the D building.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1402982012 | 1403021073 | t3_28cga5 | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my boyfriend go down on me.
We were having sex and he had already finished and I hadn't, so he decided to go down on me.
It felt really good for some reason and after a bit I finished and even squirted for the first time, he backed off 'cause he had no idea what it was and I see a giant blood stain under his nose. Alarmed, I asked if he was bleeding. Yes, he had a nosebleed in the middle of it all and I looked like a horror movie.
He's embarrassed now, but I'm sure we'll have a good laugh later about it.
TL;DR- Boyfriend had nosebleed in my vagina. Makes for a weird lubricant.
[deleted]: In OPs boyfriends head: Thank fuck, it's only my blood!
_BLAD3_: >Thank fuck, its only my blood!
He would be equally thankful in a different way if it was her blood too, only change that we'd have to make to your comment is...
>Thank fuck, its not a pregnancy!
[deleted]: I think at this point i'd rather have a pregnancy...
5ft4masterrace: I would 100% prefer to accidentally eat out a girl on the rags than get someone pregnant. Mouthwash is cheap, a baby is not.
[deleted]: Yeah but im kind of heading down that road anyway, 28, not getting any younger.
5ft4masterrace: Ah well, with planning and adequate resources, I'm all for it. It's just that accidental pregnancies are an entirely different story and for me, personally, all pregnancies in the foreseeable future would be accidental. :P
| 7 | 9.142857 | |
1402984161 | 1403030027 | t3_28cinv | t5_2to41 | 2,528 | LatinaPride: TIFU by participating in a roleplay during training at work
I was at some training thing for a crappy part time job for Sherwin Williams. They'd been instructing us on their new line of water based paints and that its selling point is you wont get brain damage from breathing in the fumes and its good around sick/pregnant people and stuff.
They would call up random people to stand in front of everybody, and the managers would role play as customers and we had to recommend them a product. They ended up calling on me, so I get up and stand in front of everyone while the manager guy mimes like he's opening the door. He walks up to me and says "Hi I'd like to buy a gallon of paint but my daughter has AIDS". At that point I start laughing uncontrollably like I literally cant stop myself. I get some composure and look around and everyone is looking at me like I'm a huge jackass, and I start to realize this is not something that normal people laugh at. They let me go a week later.
ebouwman: I would have laughed uncontrollably as well. Not that aids is funny... Just... The whole situation.
[deleted]: "What, you have a problem with being AIDS positive?" -Cartman
Prothall: *HIV positive
ledger12: HIV aladeen. (So getting downvoted)
Pointwest418: Your're getting Aladeenvoted
KnashDavis: Have an Aladeen Vote.
resting_parrot: I will vote you in the Aladeen direction.
KnashDavis: Is that the Aladeen news, or the Aladeen news?
resting_parrot: Definitely Aladeen news.
KnashDavis: Yay!
Oh...
Yay!
Oh....
| 11 | 229.818182 | |
1402985696 | 1403073311 | t3_28ck6x | t5_2to41 | 16 | TzucciMane: TIFU by trying to blaze up while my Mom went to take a poop.
Some deets if interested otherwise short and sweet story below:
-Living with rents for another few months before moving back out
-Chronic (in both senses of the word) smoker
-Progressively more careless with my smoking habits
-Mom actually knows I smoke and doesn't care
-Have never explicitly talked about my habits with her though
Today my Mom decided to take work off and I was planning on blazing all day and playing some games mostly. I still wanted to do that even upon finding out this news so I got up and made her breakfast and was chatting with her hoping that eventually I'd catch a break to smoke and then recede to my room.
Plan was to blaze before getting in the shower, but my break came earlier when suddenly my Mom had to crap her pants like no other.
We're talking like, butt cheek squeezing, running in place, bouncing, anxious talking and lack of focus, until eventually she just said "okay I can't listen anymore I have to gooooo!!!" and skittered off to the bathroom.
Now as a guy, I'm thinking okay, this is a good 10-15mins. I can literally snag the pipe and weed jars (2 mason jars), pack a snap outside, blaze it and then head in and get to the shower before she's even back out. Well... that's exactly what I did...
Except when I was in the middle of lighting the pipe LITERALLY ONE MINUTE (good chance it was even less, I'm talking like..I *scrambled* for that shit and made it happen with absolutely NO hesitation) from the time my Mom had gone running off and suddenly she's BACK.
I see her head in the kitchen and she's walking around and I'm outside just lighting up like no one's business. I see this so I hold my hit in, duck down and quickly screw the lids on the jars and push them to the corner. I try my best to ghost all the smoke and then proceed to walk out towards the pool but I know my Mom saw.
Then I hear the sliding door open from behind me and her say something, but I'm too baked already to catch it coherently and just throw my arms up and say "Hey! Gonna go check the pool temp!" knowing she just walked right outside into the dankest smell that's every infiltrated her little ex-hippie nostrils.
Head back in a minute later, tell her the pool temp and how that's somehow a cool fun fact or something, then just dip into my room with the jars clanking like some sort of doofus ogre.
Just...the most AWKWARD shit ever. Lmao.
TIFU hard. This has gone completely unspoken of too, and there is 0 chance it gets brought up. I just feel like a total boof for even getting caught in the first place but the real deal here is:
WTF *how did that bitch take a squirting, asshole melting shit and clean up all in under 1 min!!>!>>!!?!?*
**TLDR;**
Mom had to take a mega shit so I tried to run outside and smoke while she did. Without hesitation I grabbed my stuff and went for it, but in under an effin minute she was back out and opening the door behind me trying to continue a convo.
datraceman: Your story is invalid....girls don't poop. ;)
TzucciMane: Lololol. I appreciate a good joke. Thank you for that. Oh wait...that's no joke. It's true ;)
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1402985139 | 1403005182 | t3_28cjme | t5_2to41 | 56 | dylsthrowaway: TIFU by calling my girlfriend's mother a prostitute (though to be fair, she is)
A couple of days ago, we picked up my gf's mum from the airport after she returned from an international holiday. We brought her back to her house, and sat around chatting and having a few drinks. After a while, as we were preparing to leave, she took a bottle of some kind of oil from her bag and showed it to my gf (apparently a favourite product of hers only obtainable from where she'd been on holiday).
I wasn't really paying attention at this point, so didn't notice my girlfriend put a glob of this oil in her hand and then start to rub it through my hair. Upon realising what she'd done, and how the pungent the oil was, I exclaimed "OMG wtf babe! Now I smell like a cheap hooker!"
Although, as mentioned in the title, her mum is indeed a lady of the night, as I now know, it's considered a bit rude to refer to, or define someone as one, even if accidental!
My gf just sighed and shook her head at me with a bit of a wry smile. Her mum basically face-palmed. So I guess it could have been worse!
porcia918: So it's okay for her to Be a hooker, just don't call her one?
dylsthrowaway: I guess it's like somebody being overweight - everyone might be aware that they are, but saying it to their face is considered rude!
porcia918: that's a good explanation. you could say, 'Okay, I didn't mean to say "cheap" hooker :]
Dbr0wn: 'Uh, not that I can smell the difference between cheap and expensive hookers'
DeadeyeDuncan: I imagine cheap hookers have a mixed scent of cheap cloying perfume, a faint smell of urine, cigarettes and shame.
Flutterbasket: And cum
| 7 | 8 | |
1402987012 | 1403030346 | t3_28clia | t5_2to41 | 63 | DARTHxNIHILUS: TIFU by spilling boiling ramen all over my dick
Technically not from today, but I had just made cup ramen and was waiting for it to cool. I sat down in a chair, holding the cup, and accidentally spilled a few droplets onto my hand. I reflexively opened my hand, and the cup of boiling water drops. Straight. Into. My. Lap.
Holy fucking hell. Since my cock was being burned with the heat of a thousand suns, I took off my flannel pajama shorts and underwear, all the while letting out a scream that happened to attract the attention of my mother, who walked in and thought I was doing kinky shit with hot water or something and hurt myself. Got second degree burns all over my penis, ballsack, and inner thighs, but I convinced my mom to not take me to the hospital because I didn't want to walk into the ER and say "I burnt my dick".
zsyylpmh: You should have rubbed one of those cooling creams on it. That would definitely have helped.
DARTHxNIHILUS: I jumped into an ice-cold bathtub right after it happened.
Flutterbasket: Some toothpaste works for me
P.S. i burns my dick almost everyday
Etbidlepro: How the fuck do you burn your dick every day
Randrath: Friction and perseverance!
Etbidlepro: That sounds rapey...
Randrath: hm. Hadn't really thought of it that way. O.o
| 8 | 7.875 | |
1402987208 | 1402989719 | t3_28clo4 | t5_2to41 | 37 | Thanks_Ollie: TIFU by finding my phone
Tonight I fucked up and here's how...
After a awesome day with my girlfriend I went to her place for dinner and some quality movie/ board game time with her family.
She and I play lots of Clash of Clans and if any of you play it, you'll quickly find that it eats through battery like a fat kid eats through cake. Being me I found a place to plug my phone in and continued on with the night.
Unbeknownst to me I had forgotten my phone at their house when I went home. Just now I decided that I wanted to plug in my phone that for all intensive purposes was somewhere at home with me.
After a long search I decided I'd give the Android Device Manager tool a try with the hopes that my phone still had a sliver of battery left. To my surprise it did and without thinking I hit "ring" *at 11:00 at night*
Not a second later I noticed that the house my phone was located at looked strikingly similar to the girlfriend's house. I feel absolutely terrible about it
The worst part besides waking up her poor parents is that my ringtone is [Mulatto Butts from Archer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwzL23asWGs)
Tldr; Girlfriend's parents are getting a very inappropriate song blasted through their house in the middle of the night because I'm an idiot
Taco_Burrit0: > all intensive purposes
FTFY: all intents and purposes
hks9: hetoadaso
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1402988465 | 1403111320 | t3_28cmt7 | t5_2to41 | 108 | datdontfitindere: TIFU by murdering a family of sparrows.
It began so innocently.
I was taking out the trash when I see this cat chilling out on my steps. I didn't really care enough to go over, seeing as it looked healthy and whatnot, but I made the mistake of telling my girlfriend that it looked young. She being a militant animal lover, all it took was about one icy stare and I was out wrestling with it's toxoplasmosis claws buried my neck so we could bring it in for the night. We got some blankets and some tuna and began making a little kitten nest on my balcony.
Speaking of nests...
So we have this ceiling fan on the balcony. All summer this cute family of sparrows has been building a life in the light fixture of the fan. Just a few days ago, the eggs hatched. I don't much care for cats, but I do like birds and witnessing this beautiful story unfold has been one of my favorite things to do.
Until it abruptly came to an end.
An awful, fiery end.
It was about one in the morning at this point, so I turned on the light fixture, despite my girlfriend's protests that the "babies would get roasted" from the light. I convinced her it wouldn't get THAT hot and that they would be fine, so we continued to make the kitty-nest. Suddenly, my girlfriend says that she smells smoke and then screams. I look up and the bird's nest is a wad of glowing embers and black smoke. Panicked, I grab a handful of dirt from a planter and try to smother it, but only succeed in getting most of it into my girlfriend's eye. Thinking quick, I decide to just push it out with a stick and stomp it out. I do so and successfully put out the fire...and soon realize my balcony is dotted with the smoldering corpses of baby chicks.
After yanking the cat away from this buffet of roasted bird and cleaning up the rest of the carnage, I tried consoling my traumatized and sobbing girlfriend. She wanted to keep the cat inside at this point, but I again convinced her otherwise. She finally calmed and was going to return caring for the cat... until she saw a pile of feathers next to a content kitty, gnawing on a beak.
It was a very long night.
TL;DR: I accidentally ignited a bird's nest full of chicks and allowed a stray cat to eat the parents.
WPBDoc: This. Was. Hilarious.
barkingtiger: The fuck is wrong with you ?
Bagonmyhead69: The fuck is wrong with YOU?
barkingtiger: I don't want to make a list right now.
| 5 | 21.6 | |
1402987654 | 1403014578 | t3_28cm1w | t5_2to41 | 21 | goldensalmon: TIFU by texting my ex goodnight
So basically this happened like 4 hours ago, at like 1 AM. So let me start explaining this.
This girl broke up with me like 2 months ago after us seeing and talking for like 3 months(met at a party and things went fast between us) we never actually got to be just friends before we developed strong feelings for each other and quickly started with the sexy times. (I'm 16, she's 17). I deeply deeply care about this girl and really love her, so getting over her has been quite tough. She's my first sort of love, and we lost our virginity to each other. We're quite different types, I'm a sort of nerd and she's really the opposite, but we connected very well and bonded quickly. After she decided to end things between me and her, we still kept talking(mostly talking about our emotions etc.) seeing each other for like 2 months. I couldn't forget about her and vice-versa for her, but she was not looking for a committed relationship, at least not with me. Being two horny teens we always ended up having sex if I was staying for the night or not. Obviously we still had strong feelings for each other, but she didn't wanted it to be anything more than just hanging around, having fun and eventually having great sexy times together, which apparently I was okay with, because I got to spend time with her. Whenever we tried to stop contacting each other, we'd eventually end up texting late into the night. Let me get to the actual fuck-up now.
So being this desperate guy that I supposedly am, I text her goodnight, as a way to show her I really care for her despite all the things that have happened. Of course this is a mistake as my phone starts ringing within minutes. I pick it up, and this asshole of a guy, who supposedly is her boyfriend, which I really really doubt considering I hang out and slept with her not more than a week ago, starts threatening me, telling me that if I ever contact her again he'll find me and beat me up. I also received a Facebook message sent from her Facebook, but written by one of her girlfriends, also telling me to fuck off and that I shouldn't ever contact her again.
So yeah, it escalated very quickly. Btw, to make it even more complicated, this girl is starting at my school after summer break. It's really hard for me to let go, I really love this girl.
leon3546: Have you talked to *her* ? Find out what she wants, not what her bitchass friend or douchemonkey "boyfriend" want.
goldensalmon: I sure have done nothing but talk to her, she says she misses me and loves me, but she can't commit herself, well at least not to me. She said she loved hanging out with me alone etc., but whenever we'd go shopping for food or whatever, she'd feel embarrassed by me. I felt disgusted when I first heard her say it.
Svelte_Ninja: You need to cut yourself loose from this girl. She's keeping you around as a backup, and for the attention you give her. This interaction sounds entirely one sided. She's stringing you along.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1402999504 | 1403044416 | t3_28cvp0 | t5_2to41 | 162 | dopse: TIFU by using the word 'circlejerk' in english lesson
Today we played this game at the end of the english lesson (in Germany) in which you are parted in groups and have to guess terms based on someone pantomiming/drawing/explaining them. At some point a girl of the other's group was pantomiming a circle and some other gesture again and again. Without thinking about where I catched the word 'circlejerk' (I really didn't know!), I said it out loud. My pal looked at me and repeated it even louder because he also knew the word from somewhere and did have enough confidence in my language to think it could be right, I guess. Our teacher looked at us with a mix of smile and disgust. By his look it was obvious he knew what we were saying and he just didn't know how to react. That's when I realized I just said something very inappropriate. When we got out of class we were immediately looking the word up on the internet, giving us this definition: "When a group of males sit in a circle, jerking each other off." We laughed our asses off while the shame kicked in...
tl;dr: I used the word 'circlejerk' in class without knowing what it meant. My teacher did.
Megs2606: Someone has to ask, what **was** the answer?
dopse: Tsunami.
Zpheri: Darude - Sandstorm
darryshan: Which song? Is that the one that goes 'bebebebebebebebebe'?
Zpheri: It's something like:
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dundun dun
dundundun dun dun dun dun dun dun dundun dundun
Boom
Dundun dundun dundun
Beep
Dun dun dun dun dun
Dun dun
Beep beep beep beep
Beeep beep beep beep
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep boom
Daddaddadadsadadadadadadadadadaddadadadadadaddadadadd
adadadadadadadadadadadaddadddadaddadadadd
dadadadaddaddadad
Dadadddaddadaddadadadddadadada
Nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nnyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu
nyu
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Nnn nn nn nn nn nn n nn nnn nn nn nnn nnn nnnnnnnn
Dddddddd ddadadadadaddadadadadadaadadadadadad
Boom
Nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu
Boom
Boom boom boom boom
Boom
Nyunyunyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu
Boom boom
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Dadadadadada
Ddadad
Boom boom
Bbep beep
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
beep beep beep
Boom
Ddudndundun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun
dun dun dund
Dodododododododododododododododododododododododododod
ododoodo
Drum drum drum
Ddodododododoododododododododoodododododododo
Chi chi chi chi chi chih
Booom
Chcihcihfkdhfdisjfkla
Dodododododododododododododododododododododododododod
odododododododoo
Schew
Dododododododoodododododododododododododo
Dadadadddudndundundudnudndundundunddunfudnundudnudnud
ndund
Boom
| 6 | 27 | |
1403003085 | 1403036722 | t3_28cyjo | t5_2to41 | 60 | accidentalbuttstuff: TIFU by getting too into sex
This was last night to be honest but it all still counts amirite?
So last night I was getting to the business with (let's call her Lucy) and after tying her wrists together I thought it would be really hot to fuck her like this in doggy style.
So I pulled her onto her knees and pushed her face into the pillow and started to fuck her really hard. Now not to brag but I do have a rather large penis and she has always been very much so against the idea of anal sex. This wasn't a problem because I wouldn't really want something like that in my ass either.
Anyway, i'm starting to get close to cumming and start to fuck her even faster and in my haste pulled out a little too far and thrust back in.
Up her ass.
Never before has my dick shrunk from its glory so fast. I didn't realise what had happened at the time but the tears and the sobbing was enough to kill the mood. After a few seconds of comforting her she screamed out "YOU FUCKED ME IN THE ASS" and just lay there in a sad heap wishing she wouldn't be left with a gaping hole and even said "i don't want my arsehole to look like I've been in prison."
TL:DR hot sex turns to accidental butt fucking in milliseconds then she cried.
throwawayghia: How long before you untied her wrists?
accidentalbuttstuff: Oh shit....
mrfluggie: TIFU by forgetting to untie girlfriend after making a TIFU thread
| 4 | 15 | |
1403007950 | 1403097288 | t3_28d34n | t5_2to41 | 354 | BrooklynLaw: TIFU by forgetting to print my Ryan Air boarding pass
This was in Chania, Crete, on my honeymoon, and we just forgot, it happens. Arrived at the airport, they were stunned we forgot, then directed us to a small booth in the back of the airport to print our boarding pass. Except they didn't print our boarding passes. First they demanded we pay $100 per person to print our boarding passes. We had no choice. We were furious. Really put a cloud over our honeymoon. But then, instead of printing our boarding passes, the lady in the little booth wrote on a piece of paper our names and confirmation number. This was our new boarding pass. Thank you Ryan Air. Why stop at $100 per person. I would have paid $200 per person, or even $400 per person. I had no choice. People make mistakes, perhaps mine was flying Ryan Air in the first place. Thank you for preying on innocent victims.
**TL;DR** -- Forgot to print boarding passes, Ryan Air charged $200 to write one on a blank piece of paper.
DrBrian: Do a credit card chargeback? Fuck them right back.
BrooklynLaw: How does this work, never done it before!
DrBrian: If you're American and you paid with a credit card, you may be able to call your credit card company and ask for a charge back. Basically, it's a method by which consumers are afforded some degree of protection to either revoke fraudulent charges or deny payment to someone who did not fulfill their end of a purchase made with the card.
__Consult with your card company first__, but if you paid with your card for a ticket and then paid with your card for the "boarding pass" your credit card company may allow you to reverse the funds for either or both and they will simply not pay Ryanair. Being that they are a foreign company, they may not be able to do squat besides ban you or your card from using their services again. Again, consult with your card company. There may be some slight fees associated with it regardless of whether the charge is reversed, I dunno.
Make it clear that you were basically extorted into paying $200 for a "boarding pass" and that your only other option was to be stuck in a foreign country beyond your visa. The card company may act as an arbitrator in the situation and if they find in favor of the merchant, they might at least be able to negotiate a reduced fee.
Vik1ng: > Make it clear that you were basically extorted into paying $200 for a "boarding pass"
No he was charged the fees according to their website for checking in at the airport and not online:
| | Purchased at Airport |
|:-----------|-------:|
| Airport Check In Fee | €70
http://www.ryanair.com/ie/terms-and-conditions/regulations-tableoffees/
DrBrian: No, OP stated multiple times in this thread (unless he said it wrong or is unsure exactly what went wrong) that he didn't _print his boarding pass_, not that he didn't check in. Those are two separate things with two different fees associated.
Even if it is the case that he's mixing up the check-in fee with printing the boarding pass, you've listed the fee for purchasing the ticket at the airport (which he didn't). There is no fee for checking in when you purchase the ticket online (which OP did). If the website is trying to say otherwise, it's really misleading and OP should dispute the charge based on that.
Vik1ng: > No, OP stated multiple times in this thread (unless he said it wrong or is unsure exactly what went wrong) that he didn't print his boarding pass, not that he didn't check in. Those are two separate things with two different fees associated.
Yes, but he also never said that he did check in. Just because he didn't print the bording pass does not mean checked in.
> you've listed the fee for purchasing the ticket at the airport (which he didn't)
No I listed the fee for checking in at the ariport. Learn to read that table. The 2nd row can just as well apply to you if you buy your ticket online, but purchase a service like a additional bag at the airport. Then you pay the airport fee. The first row would only apply if you purchases that bag option online. It has nothing to with where you brought your ticket.
> There is no fee for checking in **online** when you purchase the ticket online (which OP did).
FTFY
| 7 | 50.571429 | |
1403000577 | 1403021887 | t3_28cwjb | t5_2to41 | 338 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a woman on her bike to ring her bell.
SKiscrying: Damn, she wasted no time reporting you...
DeadeyeDuncan: ...as she should if she thought it was a racial slur.
SKiscrying: Right, but someone who wasn't irritable and insecure **might** just let it slide assuming that the tone wasn't violent and/or malicious. You'd only head directly to HR if you wanted to punish someone.
LuxNocte: I don't care how calm and secure you are, if someone yells a racial slur at you, you drag them to HR.
SKiscrying: Tattling is something five year olds do.
LuxNocte: Grow up.
SKiscrying: After you...
| 8 | 42.25 | |
1403011793 | 1403025319 | t3_28d7ug | t5_2to41 | 72 | Lutcher: TIFU by jumping off my mower
Few weeks back we had a wind storm that blew our trampoline into the canal that runs behind our lot. I'd pulled it out of the water myself, but with no help, hadn't tried to move it back by the house.
Last Thursday I finished mowing my yard, so I headed towards the trampoline, aiming to cut a path in the grass, making it easier to move, whenever I could get some help.
As I rounded the back of the trampoline I hit the clutch/brake planning to shift to reverse...but...it didn't stop in time!
Realizing that the mower was going down the bank, I reached to grab the trampoline, hoping to avoid being trapped under the water w/ the mower on top of me.
Don't know if I grabbed it or not. Felt like the universe hit my right foot all at once, then heard the mowers engine stop.
Was on my back, in much pain.
Crawled to the top of the bank, looked at my mistake and laughed my ass off. Used a broken piece of the trampoline as a crutch to hobble back to the house so I could hose off and go to the ER.
Also, seem to have gotten poison ivy too.
UselessGadget: So you ran your foot over with the mower? Or the mower went into the water? I'm confused.
Lutcher: O no, I did manage to jump off. Landed full force on my right foot, on the bank of the canal, damaging my knee. Thankfully (I guess) it was the knee that has a meniscus tear already.
I_want_hard_work: You really need to put details in
| 4 | 18 | |
1403004751 | 1403039478 | t3_28d00t | t5_2to41 | 172 | RandomWelshHero: TIFU by throwing a roast chicken at a cop car
I've told this story once in the comment section of an r/askreddit post but it seems oddly appropriate for here! Gonna be a long read because when I tell stories I go off in nonsensical tangents so I'll be kind and place the 'Too long didn't read' here.
**TL;DR:** Got scared, Threw chicken, Hit cop car, Accused of sniffing glue, Taken home in aforementioned cop car.
This actually happened quite a few years ago during my younger stages of adolescence but I hope you enjoy my story nonetheless!
Picture the scene, a 13 maybe 14 year old RandomWelshHero prowling the streets of the quiet Scottish village that I call home with my best friend. We decide that the only logical way to continue our evening is to visit the local supermarket and buy a cooked, ready to eat roasted chicken.(As you do.)
Our night continues with no set game plan, just wandering round the streets calmly devouring our evening feast. It's getting fairly dark, my house was about a twenty minute walk home so we decided to end our shenanigans and head home.
This being our home town, we knew all the shortcuts which meant we didn't think twice about heading down an unlit street.(Houses were under construction and the power was off so no street lights.) We made it about half way down when suddenly the whole street lit up blue for a split second, then darkness, then blue again followed by an ear-drum blowing WOOP WOOP (its da sound of police) (Sorry.)
Now its very clear to me that it was clearly the police sirens and the cop cars roof lights. But at the time they scared seven shades of shit out of me! My initial reaction (of course) was to throw the roast chicken clean over my head, and send it hurtling towards our always friendly boys in blue(the po po). Then (for lack of a better term) RUN THE FUCK AWAY; and when I say run I mean full on fucking sprint! Bitch I was looking back and seeing Usain Bolt and the RoadRunner looking on in amazement.
Then a moment of clarity struck, I had just launched a god damn chicken at a cop car, then ran the fuck away. Which in some places might seem *a little bit* suspicious. So me and my friend stop, we collect ourselves, catch our breath just in time for two rather large, very angry police men to catch up with us. Then came the questioning, and to be perfectly honest, I had absolutely no idea how to explain that lobbing my dinner then sprinting away was all just a misunderstanding. They proceeded to give me and my friend 'the pat down' to which they found some sunglasses in my pocket.(Don't ask why they were there because I'll be fucked if I have the answer to give you!) This *obviously* meant that I was carrying them to cover my eyes so the general public would not be aware that I was on some substance and high. In other words I was carrying them because I was sniffing glue. (There's logic in there somewhere)
And that's how my parents had to pick me up from the police station. I wasn't allowed to just walk home because: 'If you throw that at the police, goodness only knows what you would do to the general public.'
So that, Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit, is my story of my fuck up. If you read it all (get it? read it, reddit. sorry again) and made it down here then here's a special message: You, yes, you. You're awesome!
Oh and if you didn't read all the way down then you're probably not gonna read this, so there's no point in really putting this; but you're probably awesome as well, but you're just too busy to read a long-ass post by someone you've never seen before. But it's okay, I forgive you. Sow your wild oats and chase your dreams baby!
EDIT: Formatting and added details.
prime_times: So the sunglasses were in your *pocket*, at **night**, so you sniff glue. That's some top notch logic.
RandomWelshHero: Well it certainly left my parents speechless when they were told why I had to be collected
prime_times: I can only hope your parents made some crude comment about chicken and bacon when they came to get you.
MyCreatedAccount: It is a good thing you threw chicken instead of bacon, because that would be force cannibalism. ;D
| 5 | 34.4 | |
1403014649 | 1403015708 | t3_28dbw4 | t5_2to41 | 18 | carpeggio: TIFU by brushing my tongue too much.
Just going through my morning routine and got a wiff of my morning breath combined with fragrances of garlic from last night's delicious Italian meal. I decided to go hard on the buds with my brush to get that "ahhhh" fresh breath.
Well, I brushed too far back with too much pressure and I gagged and vomited all over my sink.
Now I'm going through the day with an acidified throat and "blergh" breath.
mythrowawayresponse: > with too much pressure and I gagged
Practice makes perfect!
carpeggio: So I need to keep vomiting in my sink? Seems like a *sucky* tradeoff.
mythrowawayresponse: With practice and time eventually you will adjust your gag reflex... then no more vomitting accidentally.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1403016121 | 1403037628 | t3_28de2m | t5_2to41 | 17 | Ev1lm: TIFU: Accidentally posted a effigy church burning video on Facebook
I made an offhand observation about liking the black metal babysitter video on Facebook. Friend posts it in my feed. I had forgotten they burn a church made of popsicle sticks.
I think my religious extended family might have a problem with the video. I like metal, church burning is not a hobby of mine.
I deleted the post, but the texts and judging emails are already in my inbox.
[deleted]: Who gives a fuck about those religious pricks?
GMDynamo: It's his family you chugnut, most people at least give some shit about the people they're forced to share a gene pool with. Lighten the fuck up.
SFESylian: Won't lie. I think chugnut is my favorite insult now.
[deleted]: I don't understand the insult. He's using a verb as a noun.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1402976433 | 1403024214 | t3_28c9do | t5_2to41 | 12 | its10pm: TIFU by trying to open a can of soup
This actually happened a couple of weeks ago..
I was feeling under the weather and didn't have much an appetite, so I figured I'd go for some soup. Now we have one of those older can openers that turn the lid into a lethal weapon, and I'm left handed so I've always had a bit of an issue with this. Anyways, I was having trouble getting the can open, so I gave up on the can opener and starting prying the lid off the can with a butter knife. Not such a great idea. The knife slipped, the lid came off, but it slid across my left knuckle taken the skin with it. Oh it hurt, and it bleed. Ended up rushing to the ER. Had to get a tetanus shot, and 10 stitches. But the story doesn't end there. Oh no, the stitches never really did much, the skin is now sort of rotting and peeling off, and I'm just finishing a course of antibiotics from the infection that developed in it. My thumb will never be the same now.
Akira-tan: Did you at least get to eat the soup
Heisou: I am in pain from holding in my laughter.
| 3 | 4 | |
1403018405 | 1403049238 | t3_28dhlk | t5_2to41 | 121 | masterderlok: Tifu by cumming on my own face._.
>Be me
>Be yesterday
So I''ve been hooking up with some girl from kik in a rather sexual way, sexting and camming you know the deal. So I was sexting with her yesterday and we decided to cam. We start camming and Shit gets pretty frisky. She's fingering and moaning out my name and I start moaning too which really turned her on and she started cumming. At that moment I couldn't hold it no more and came like a sperm whale, mind you haven't fapped in a couple of days. And with the force of a million prostates I cum all over my face and chest. She thought it was pretty hot and I was pretty impressed too. As I wanted to clean up, you guessed it my mom walked in. She gasped for air and closed the door. I stopped the call, cleaned up and didn't go down stairs the rest of the morning. Skip ahead to this morning. I walk down stairs my mom didn't look me in the eye and my dad just looked at me with shame. I'm on my way home right now let's hope they aren't that mad or disgusted.
Tl,Dr I came in my own face and my mom now thinks less of me
BuggityHuggity: If I were you I would have an awesome comeback ready.
Zpheri: Are you suggesting he cums on his back too now??
kelthalas4: I would be impressed. Very.
Zpheri: >and came like a sperm whale.
He had me at sperm whale.
| 5 | 24.2 | |
1403018088 | 1403038454 | t3_28dh1w | t5_2to41 | 14 | Uzaka: TIFU By going along with a friends idea
Back story time. My friend "A" Lives on a canal. Now lets get to the actual story. On fathers day, my friend "E" decides it would be a good idea to take a row boat and row down the canal to our friend A's house. E decides to call me and have me go along with him. I don't really get along with my family, so I said "Sure, why not." When I get to where we planned on meeting up, I discover that 1. It's not a Row Boat, it's a fucking inflatable pool toy. And 2. E Has no clue how to row. Lucky for him, I do, and we set off on our insane adventure. The Canal is long, so provided there was no wind and the Tide was in our favor, It would've taken us probably an hour. There was wind, and the Tide decided to go out as we got in the water. I spent 2 hours rowing a fucking pool toy down a canal against the Tide and wind.
[deleted]: Just fucking use fake names already. E A G B D E X ZYAWER UOQIWEURWEIOJR OIJALSKDFJLSAKDJF KLAS god I hate it when storytellers use letters for friends instead of just going with "Eric" and "Aaron" or some other made up name.
Thanks for your time.
Uzaka: Fair enough. E = /u/EricBarasch A = /u/akaxauto
| 3 | 4.666667 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.