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1402975632 | 1403049367 | t3_28c87r | t5_2to41 | 19 | Undew_: TIFU by running a 100m race
So I think I need to give a bit of a backround. Every year my school puts on an athletics carnival and swimming for primary, middle and high school but in different locations at different days of the same week. Every year my cousin and I compete to see who is the fastest runner/swimmer of the year by competing together in the 100m and 800m running race and the 50m and 200m swimming race.
Today at the Athletics carnival we decided to warm up with the 200m as it's the 1st race of the day so we do it, I won by .4 of a second so he's kinda pissed at me. About 30min later the 800m is on, I beat him again but this time by 7 seconds, so by this point he's pretty pissed at me and ready to get back at me. About 30-40 minuets before the race I eat Doritos with salsa (tasted amazing). About 5-10 minuets before the 100m I feel the urge to take a shit and so I just hold it down as it's on practically the other side of the stadium/arena, I don't know what you would call an athletics pitch? So I stay there and here's the fuck up. It's my turn to race and by this time I'm just holding it in until the race is over so I don't miss it. And I'm with the fastest in my year. The gun goes and I didn't anticipate it correctly so I got a shit start (pun intended) whilst I'm running I can feel the shit coming out of my arse and it feels so weird. Finally the race ended and I tell my cousin "I did so shit" and I said it while smelling the finish line with the horrible stench. I had to go through 3 sets of people to be able to go to the bathroom taking me about 3-5 minuets while it felt an hour. I get to the bathroom and all the stalls are full -_- I wait probably 2 minuets to get in the one on the very end and I'm thinking to myself "thank god" so that I get the one that's fully enclosed. I pull down my speedo shorts then my underwear and I see the pile of shit just siting there, it smells disgusting and looks like a dog shit mushed together.
By now I hope ivd sparked some imagination so it's not just me who is scarred for life, I can have a couple scarred with me :)
This will be a disgusting part, just warning you. I take the most part of the shit and drop it in the toilet. Then I get a lot of toilet paper and try scoop the shit out of my underwear, and there's still a bit so I relise I'll have to go commando and put the underwear in my bag and spray it with my deodorant for 10 seconds, the the smell won't be too bad won't I next open my bag. But I fear that I might have to throw out the bag, that's how bad it smells. And now I have to try get the shit off my arse and in the toilet. I used the rest of the toilet roll and it's one of those really really big ones where they should last for a long time because there like 5-8cm for the radius. I clogged the toilet trying to clean my arse.
So now have my speedos on with tracksuit pants on top and a shirt and jumper becuase it's cold and I want to accidentally flash any male bits to the entire highschool
To make things worse the girl I like is expecting me to ask her out and I smell like shit with bits of shit stuck on my hands which I've tried washing off but it needs soap and the bathrooms don't have. It's 1:26pm and this carnival goes for another 2 hours 20 minuets. FML
BagOicee: As someone who's held a shit in for an entire 8K, I am disappointed
Undew_: You did a slow run while mine was a sprint
BagOicee: Believe me, 5, 5 minute miles in a row will force it out of you
Undew_: i don't doubt you, i feel sorry for those around you smelling shit
BagOicee: Either way not pleasant, my condolences
Undew_: thanks
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1403024602 | 1403058180 | t3_28dsen | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking the female bro code.
So my flatmate has been obsessed with a mutual friend of hers since they hooked up, and I mean OBSESSED. Online profile stalking, checking what snapchats he'd opened/who were his snapchat 'besties', uploading stuff to see if he'd like it, the whole shebang. This is a guy she has slept with/seen a max of 6 times between September and January, and is an utter cunt. I love my flatmate but after hearing about this 'relationship' and its many, many traumas for 6+ months, I have been sucked dry of *mmmm yeah*'s and *awww, that's so shit*'s.
I went into my flatmate's room today to find her stalking him on Facebook. Apparently he has a new fling as evidenced by photos of him with a girl (I know, hanging out with a female friend, what the fuck right?) 'That sucks', I said, as she moved onto stalking said girl. 'Look, this is her,' she replied, as she thrusted the laptop with the girl's profile picture on toward me. Normally I would have had a friend-boosting response ready and waiting, but I was extremely hungover and tired from a heavy night's drinking, and had already used up every variation of sympathetic response to the situation. With the alcohol still stewing my brain I didn't have time to think properly, so instead of the appropriate 'She looks gross', I immediately responded, 'Wow, she's really attractive'.
As soon as the words started coming out of my mouth I heard it, but couldn't stop myself. My flatmate looked at me for a couple of seconds and then uttered the universal noise of disapproval: 'Hmm.' I waited a few more seconds but she didn't say anything or look at me again so I scarpered. She hasn't come out of her room or spoken to me since. Oops.
TL;DR: Fucked up a classic rule of friendship, shit-talking a lover's new fling, and am now paying the price with a very cold shoulder.
Peeingwithanerection: Your friend sounds creepy as fuck
burnouts: Seriously... this can't possibly be normal female (or male!) behavior.
faroffland: It is definitely not normal behaviour, we've talked it out before and she's agreed she needs some kind of counselling so hopefully the way she reacts to things will improve if she follows through on that. She has just never got over him like a 'normal' person would, especially as they were only casual fuck-buddies.
rczeien: Holding a crush is normal behavior, she just needs to stop following him on Facebook, then it will go away.
| 5 | 7 | |
1403024085 | 1403026499 | t3_28drec | t5_2to41 | 8 | hclchicken: TIFU by licking my finger
Calligraphy_Poptart: I dunno about you man, but if I change a diaper and feel any sort of moisture on my fingers, I don't care how busy I am. I'm washing my hands.
LS07: I don't understand why people don't wash their hands after changing a diaper.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403024984 | 1403048167 | t3_28dt5f | t5_2to41 | 108 | ghettobaron: TIFU by almost ripping out my cornea
This happened about a year ago. Around this time I decided to stop regularly taking out my contact lenses every night because it was too much work. So I decided to keep them in until I felt like they were hurting my eyes and I would take them out. Well fast forward about a month and some change and I am preparing to go to the beach with my family. The vision in my left eye is really blurred, as if I don't have a contact in, but on inspection in the mirror I can clearly see the outline, so of course I think it must still be in there.
However I decide to wait until we get to my sister's house and try to fix it then, figuring hey, it must be twisted or something. Fast forward to my sister's house, I am in her bathroom and attempt to remove the contact so I can soak it, hopefully fixing the blur. I take out the contact in my right eye, and it comes out fine. But my left eye, the one that I have blurred vision in, it just will not come out. I can kind of get a hold of the side of it, but when I pull it is really painful. Fuck, I must have kept it in for too long, but why is it that the other contact came out so easily? Well I kept at it for about half an hour but could never quite get it out. I tell me parents and we all go to the urgent care clinic. They cannot find a contact, they used some colored solution to go into each eye, and of course the contact in my right eye shows up just fine. So I make an emergency appointment with my optometrist, by this time I am kind of scared, what if the contact is glued to my eye, what if it will never come out.....fml, I will never wear contacts again.
Turns out that the contact lens probably fell off a long time ago, and I damaged the area underneath my eye, but nothing serious. But if I had kept trying could have pulled it off...
TLDR: Almost pulled out my cornea, because I am a dumbass..
Lurkalo: take your contacts out every night people... just do it. Your eyes will thank you.
DeLaNope: I'm an idiot, and was too lazy.
The scarring and dryness that resulted was totally unnoticed by me, but required a month of an intensive eye drop routine to get it normal enough so that I would be a candidate for LASIK.
| 3 | 36 | |
1403028101 | 1403139018 | t3_28dyo9 | t5_2to41 | 90 | 5ub1im3: TIFU by allowing myself to get "Tommy Boy'd"
Ever seen Tommy Boy? Remember the scene where David Spade and Chris Farley fake being attacked by bees to avoid a ticket?
If not: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU97w2DH5mc
Well that happened to me today. Kind of. I was driving down the road minding my own business and I rolled up my windows because it was slightly chilly. Apparently by doing so I had trapped a bee in my car. I noticed it as it landed on my leg and stung me. I had a not-so-graceful reaction as I yell some sort of obscenity and try to hit it off of me. By doing so I apparently swerved my wheel slightly to the right and into a telephone pole. Totaled my car by smashing the front right bumper pretty bad. Cop responds to the scene where I'm in my car upset/adrenaline filled/beyond frustrated that I wrecked. I told him what happened and he bends down and picks up the dead body of the bee from right outside my car door. Couldn't help but laugh at the situation. Good news is I'm okay and insurance is going to take care of it.
If you ever come into the situation where a bee or any insect is on you while you're driving, it's likely much better to get bitten/stung than lose your cool.
Tl;dr Totaled car by freaking out from bee locked in car.
dorianfinch: Why are people so afraid of bees?? I guess maybe I would be if I were allergic.
zigzaggeezus: As im allergic it feels like a shot of magma when stung and usually end with whatever area was stung turning red as the devils dick and swelling like a sausage on a grill for weeks...i understanf
dorianfinch: I get that too, I thought that was normal? I thought being [allergic](http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/insect-stings) meant an anaphylactic reaction, aka possibly death. (note how it says "however, most people are not allergic to insect stings and may mistake a normal sting reaction for an allergic reaction.")
zigzaggeezus: Its my understanding that the shock is just the most extreme allergic reaction. Some people get stung and its literally like nothing happened
| 5 | 18 | |
1403028523 | 1403146130 | t3_28dzg7 | t5_2to41 | 63 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by accidentally exposing my tits (in a bra) to my boyfriend's Dad.
So this happened just a few hours ago... Never wearing a strapless dress again.
I stayed at my boyfriend's house last night and he left at 7:45am for work.
I get out of bed around 11:30 and decide to make tea. I grab two mugs that my boyfriend left in his room from our tea last night, so both of my hands are full.
I put on my outfit from last night (a strapless dress) and head upstairs.
Now, this dress is a tricky one. It's a "high-low" dress, meaning the front is short and it gets longer down the back.
I hear my boyfriend's Dad in the kitchen as I walk upstairs. As the Perfect-Timing-Gods would have it, I say "Good morning!" as I step on the long back part of my dress, pulling it down.
So there I am, holding a mug in each hand, having just smiled from saying "Good morning" as his Dad turns around to see me at the top of the stairs in my black strapless bra, with my dress just above my bellybutton.
Horrified, I say "SORRY!" as I fumble with the mugs trying to pull my dress back up without dropping the cups, as he says "Oh, I'm sorry!" and walks into the living room, post haste.
I put the mugs on the counter and ran downstairs.
Now, if you look through my old TIFU's, you'll see I have a very close relationship with my boyfriend's Dad, and have fucked up in conversation with him before. So, luckily, I'm sure this will blow over and be forgotten in no time, but I felt like an idiot to say the least.
talkb1nary: Just out of interest would you tell me from where you are?
I am pretty sure my parents saw most of my girlfriends (which i brought home) also in their bra. I see no problem in that, they would see her in her bikini aswell if they happen to go swimming with us, and to see it realistic most bikinis show way more as the average sexy underwear.
Nuke-The-Whales: I'm in Canada! :)
I agree that bikinis are easily comparable to bra and underwear, it's just the context of which it happened which makes it more uncomfortable.
bananarama_dingdong: > I'm in Canada!
Well, that explains why he apologized to you, too!
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1403029128 | 1403030574 | t3_28e0gm | t5_2to41 | 42 | CheesyGorditoCrunch: TIFU by cooking bacon
I was hungover this morning from a long night of debauchery after USA managed to squeeze a World Cup win past those damn Ghanaians finally. Well my roommate was at work so it was just my girlfriend and I.
We were lying in bed struggling, thinking of what to do/eat with our hungover selves. Obviously bacon was on my mind because when isn't bacon on my mind (also greasy bacon is a great way to settle my stomach after a night of drinking).
I get so excited for my bacon I go straight to the kitchen, whip out my thick maple cut bacon and start pan frying away without putting clothes on. Now anyone who has ever cooked bacon shirtless or with skin exposed should fucking know that when that meat starts cooking the grease starts bubbling and crackeling and occasionally will send ya a fiery droplet of scalding-hot grease on your helpless skin.
So here I am naked, when the devilish grease starts heating up...I can see this happening and yet I still cook away. As I flip my second piece, a loud pop coincided with the bacon flipping and almost simultaneously feel a burn on penis. I scream bloody fucking murder and try to wash it off immediately but the grease already did its damage.
The grease bubble showered my dick in little burns from the tip to the base and now im about to lather the bad boy up in some Neosporin...
tl:dr Needed bacon in stomach, cooked bacon naked, burned dick badly
playhertwo: You didn't fuck up by cooking bacon, you fucked up by not having the common sense to put some clothes on.
CheesyGorditoCrunch: but bacon leaves no time for clothes
| 3 | 14 | |
1403030872 | 1403032003 | t3_28e3lc | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by Singing never gonna give you up by Rick Ashley
I know but I misspelled it on the title and now have no idea how to change it
[deleted]: Astley
Jokermort: I know but I misspelled it on the title and now have no idea how to change it back
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403030108 | 1403058782 | t3_28e28f | t5_2to41 | 22 | Prasselpikachu: TIFU by mixing up buddhism and hinduism
So, i had to do a presentation in RE the other day with some other dudes. I wasn’t really prepared, lazy as I am.
Before our presentation some other dudes held a presentation about something hinduism (I did not really give attention) where at some point they talked about how there were about 330 million gods in hinduism.
Fast forward to our presentation. Now I had to explain how buddhism split up at some point. I said:
„So everything split up into many small fractions which all had minor differences in their opinions. Also, this is how all those 330 million gods emerged.“ At this point literally *everybody* looked at me with this WTF-are-you-talking-about-stare, and the teacher said „You *know* those gods belong to hinduism…?“
I got an E afterwards
tl;dr: I talked about how 330 millions of gods emerged from buddhism on a presentation
Vivo999: Yeah Buddhism has no gods so it's a pretty big difference. Personally though, I think that 330 million number is super exaggerated.
Prasselpikachu: Yeah, that's what the other guys said tho xD
Vivo999: I feel like it's something somebody who didn't quite understand what they were talking about made up and it became accepted as a fact. Either that or it's a case of "everyone has god inside of them" -> population: 330 millionish at the time. Profit. Anyways, sucks about the misstep, better study harder next time
wOlfLisK: Aren't all the gods actually the same God in different forms anyway?
Vivo999: Yeah pretty much. Really, nothing it's not nearly as cut and dry as the other religions which have some religious text to refer to. I think an important aspect of Hinduism and Buddhism that is often left out is that half of it is the culture. Generally you choose what you believe and choose how devout you want to be. When most people accept and believe a rule or idea it becomes incorporated into the religion and vice versa. This is why the caste system still exists, even though there have been attempts to rid of it. It's part of the deep-rooted culture, which is inherently hard to get rid of, but due to new laws, a lot of people actually benefit from it. It's all pretty complicated which makes anyone not born into the religion pretty averse from it, but the upside is it tends to be very open-minded and allow for nearly all beliefs.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1403034556 | 1403040617 | t3_28eadx | t5_2to41 | 57 | ihaterichardgere: TIFU by trying to get Richard Gere's autograph.
My mother only loves two things in life, making biscuits and Richard fucking Gere. Ever since she saw that dog movie, her obsession with him just consumes her life. Anyway, for her birthday I decided to try and get his autograph on a picture of her in the kitchen. I thought it would be sweet and relatively funny.
Fast forward to last night, I waited outside his house for 4 hours before confronting him as he was leaving for some sort of exercise. What I didn't see coming was the fact that, after years and years of hearing about the wonders of Richard Gere, I became a little starstruck. I basically said "RICHARD" and shoved a picture of my decrepit, old mother in his face. Then just stood there in awe. He was noticeably concerned, kinda smiled an awkward smile then hastily jogged off. I, a 36 year old man, was left standing there with tears in my eyes holding a picture of my mother. I was completely rejected by the Gere.
I feel so humiliated, got my mother a framed picture of him instead.
shatteredglassinanus: This is the funniest thing I've read in a while. But why did you stalk outside his house? That would really grind his gere's.
GundamWang: 6/10
| 3 | 19 | |
1403030725 | 1403190069 | t3_28e3cm | t5_2to41 | 80 | MrStealyosquirtle: TIFU by punching a pregnant lady in the stomach
Okay so this isn't exactly a tifu post, more like a 12 years ago I fucked up.
Here we go, so when I was wee little lad I fuckin' loved me some bubbles. Like seriously id flip some shit over bubbles. (What little kid doesn't love bubbles?) and one thing I loved to do, is punch and kick the hell out of those bubbles like the samurai warrior I was at heart. So I'm in a parking lot with some of the other tots and a pregnant lady is just blowing bubbles and more bubbles with one of those big wands. (This is where the fun hits shit) so I'm just punching these bubbles and to my unknowing the pregnant lady had appeared right behind me, and I turn around and throw the hardest punch a 6 year old boy can throw to pop the bubbles, turns out. No bubbles, only a doubled over pregnant lady who has felt the wrath of my dragon fist.
I immediately got the hell out of there and ran to my parents who had not yet learned of my deed. Eventually they get a call from this lady and I got busted. I don't know how the baby turned out, or if the woman ever forgot about me. But one things for certain, I no longer love bubbles
Moral of the story: don't unleash the dragon fist on mere bubbles or you'll punch a pregnant lady in the stomach and possibly kill the unborn child
MsCrazyPants70: My sister was kayaking while pregnant (up to the 5 month mark) and had an ooops happen, which caused her to take a large rock full on in the stomach. Baby turned out fine, and actually took to water really, really well early.
Malamutewhisperer: So...you're saying this baby will enjoy MMA early on?
Or tripping on acid?
I'm so confused.
MsCrazyPants70: Baby will roll kayaks like a pro.
| 4 | 20 | |
1403035798 | 1403101399 | t3_28ecmk | t5_2to41 | 16 | aTairyHesticle: TIFU by riding my bike without a helmet
I was coming home from work tired as can be at night, took a different route. Big hill, had around 50km/h. Road took a turn, I didn't. Fell on my head. Blood was gushing everywhere, I put my hand and felt a big wound. Tried to get on my bike, I fell. Blood everywhere. Was dizzy, my spd's wouldn't go in, FUCK. Finally I got them in, chain was off, luckily it caught on while changing speeds so I didn't have to get off the bike. Still had 7 km left to home. Got home, bike all bloody, clothes all bloody, face all bloody, got into the shower, full on cold water. Then finally went to the doctor at 2AM. 8 cm long wound. Really lucky it wasn't worse. I'll get a helmet ASAP.I could have cracked my skull and lost conscience on that road and nobody goes there. I might have died.
tbare91: Seriously you need a helment. I always took bikes as harmless and loved mountain biking, I'd still be riding to this day if my legs still worked. Now I they don't work because I hit my head, but because I broke my back. Though I did take a good hit to the head that wasn't good, but bikes are not as harmless as I always thought.
aTairyHesticle: damn, thanks for sharing... Sorry to hear that. Really scary stuff...
tbare91: Don't be sorry, I'm not. I'm a better person because of it, I gained so many experiences from it, and did a lot of things that I probably would never have done if it had not happened. The only bad thing from it is that I can't bike anymore, either than that, living life sitting down is not bad at all, and anyone who says different just does not have the want to live life sitting down.
| 4 | 4 | |
1403037371 | 1403041973 | t3_28efbj | t5_2to41 | 12 | RamonaCheckers: TIFU by reading no sleep before going to my night shift job.
So, I work at a homeless shelter. I'm a 5'4 girl, and my shift is from 1 am to 9 am. I work my shift completely alone and don't have much to do until earlier in the morning, aside from signing people in and doing laundry. Everyone sleeps upstairs, and the downstairs is completely empty during the night. There had been movement on the downstairs camera, but it was dark and I thought I had been imagining it in my fear. Downstairs there is a huge mess hall, and a lot of side rooms. I have to go downstairs and through the mess hall to get quarters for the laundry, and had been putting it off until it was a little bit brighter outside since I was too spooked to do it right away (I know, that's really dumb). So, it's about 5 30 and there's finally a dull blue light outside. I decide to go down and grab quarters. I run through the mess hall and go to the side office and start unlocking the door. As I open it, I turn around to see a woman standing a few feet back facing me completely blank faced. I felt my jaw fall and was so terrified I couldn't even speak. I thought I was having a heart attack. I ran into the office and slammed the door shut behind me. This lady proceeds to walk over and annoyedly knock on the window, asking what time it is. I snapped out of my terror and realized she must have been assigned a downstairs bed for whatever reason, and the person who works before me forgot to mention it.
**
TLDR:** TIFU by reading scary stories, working night shift at a shelter, and making a total ass of myself in front of a harmless resident.
mythrowawayresponse: [**shh no fears... only dreams now**](http://i.imgur.com/y54JoEz.jpg)
pinkfloyd52998: (⊙＿⊙)
| 3 | 4 | |
1403033236 | 1403039474 | t3_28e833 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Jokermort: TIFU by singing Rick Astley to a frenemy
Today started normally English lessons on Tuesdays but; I was feeling a lot more energetic today. Fast forward about 2 hours as I was getting into my English lesson, I sit next to this frenemy i'll call him N for now. We come into the classroom and because my English teacher is inept at controlling anything other then her own shadow the classroom quickly descends into chaos. Whist sitting next to N I noticed he was acting like an asshole so I decided to get back at him by doing by what I do best annoying him with Rick Astley when I started singing he started punching me in the chest but now I was in too deep I had to keep going , I keep singing it for about 30 minutes all the while getting punched, when one of my friends comes up to me and asks why on earth I was singing that god awful song I reply by explaining that he acting aggressively and he was a douche to me all week. Then out of nowhere N says "THE REASON I'M SO ANNOYED TODAY IS BECAUSE MY GRANDFATHER DIED YESTERDAY" At that point in time I didn't know what to do because I could sense the tension in the room, So I did the safest thing SHUT THE FUCK UP.
TL;DR Sang Rick Astley got punched 50 times and annoyed frenemy to the point of admitting that his grandfather died yesterday.
In case you are new to the internet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
ziggyzflow: Did you then turn and look at him and say "looks liked you've been rick rolled!"
Jokermort: I wish I had the foresight to do that
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403038810 | 1403127082 | t3_28ehpe | t5_2to41 | 120 | TheGInsider: TIFU - Telling my dad That it didnt smell like weed.
My dad and i were having a campfire, and Dried pine needles burn VERY well. During this, he says "You know what this smells like? Kind of smells like weed" (the burning pine needles did smell like weed) by heres the fuck up: I said, "No, Thats got a stronger smell" he replies "what?" So naturally here is fuck up #2: I said "No, its more potent of a smell, it doesnt quite smell like weed." For referance, He is a Police officer.
TL;DR Told my dad that i knew the smell of weed well. *He is a Police Officer*.
Hwy61Revisited: Most people over the age of 15 knows what weed smells like, regardless of whether or not they smoke it. Don't sweat it.
TheGInsider: Didn't sweat it, but rather, its kind of awkward to tell a cop, whether he is your father or not, that you have personally smoked it.
dylansavage: You didnt.
You told him you know what weed smells like. Like every other person on the planet.
I know what lots of shit smells like with out ingesting it.
TheGInsider: Yeah, but i think you get what i mean by that right?
dylansavage: It's not a fuck up though. Your dad found out you know what weed smells like.
If you consider that a fuck life is gonna fuck you in the arse.
TheGInsider: I know how life can fuck you. I have whats known as PTSD. Trust me, i don't think you know how bad life can fuck you.
dylansavage: Then you understand that this isnt a fuck up.
This is paranoia. This is a simple interaction. It might be your PTSD is adding anxiety to this interaction. But it isnt a fuck up.
TheGInsider: Yeah, but as i've stated before, its rather akward to tell a cop whether he is your father or not about your experiance with weed.
dylansavage: And as I've stated several times, you did not bloody state your experience with weed.
TheGInsider: Well.... I didn't add this to the TIFU that i said that it smells like a weaker burning weed. So, although it wasn't in the story, i did say i knew the differance of smell Burnt or otherwise.
| 11 | 10.909091 | |
1403035930 | 1403046236 | t3_28ecub | t5_2to41 | 25 | athrowawaynessa: TIFU by reading a r/wtf news article
The internet is like an all knowing pet and early this morning it bit me in the ass. Before it did I was happy, I had a plan for my life and I was sure of what I was going to do for once.
My SO and I had plans to move to New Mexico. It isn't the ideal place for me, living in So Cal my whole life, but I decided a few weeks ago I needed to grow up and try somewhere new, even if it was dry
and dead compared to what I was used to. So I was planning to have my stuff packed and Uhaul it to my new city to live with my new extended relatives for a few months until we could find our own house in the same city.
But last night I couldn't sleep. I was up browsing Reddit about 1am, trying to make myself tired,when New Mexico caught my eye in a r/wtf title:
[New Mexico man smokes meth and rapes 8 month old baby. Man in custody while baby is having her organs reconstructed](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/16/julio-iturralde-jasmin-davis-baby-rape_n_5500530.html?ir=Politics)
I had a sinking feeling when I saw the title, for the obvious reasons but also because I had the ODDEST feeling it would be in Los Lunes,
where my SO wants to move us. It was, and I had an even worse feeling when I saw the hotel mentioned was one
we had stayed at when visiting his relatives. But bad things happen everywhere, right? One horrible thing doesn't make a pattern,
and I can't judge a city on one drugged up deviant.
If I had stopped there I might have been able to let it go and move on. But I was curious. I hadn't done my research on the state because it was my SO's home, and I thought if it was good enough for him, it should be good enough for me. I wasn't sleepy yet though, and I started Googling crime statistics, and other facts about NM.
20% poverty rate. Albequeque cops have high rates of fatal shootings. 50th in the nation in elementary schooling, below Mississipi, below EVERYONE.
14th percentile in crime, 100 being safest. Fourth worst in the nation for serious drug abuse, including meth.
The numbers kept getting worse and worse, and this was where I had assured I would spend the rest of my life.
I had never really liked New Mexico much, it was empty and ugly to me, and now...?
I have to confront my SO today and make a decision. His family, who thinks the world of me for some reason,
will be disappointed and believe I am a stuck up Californian who can't take a step down.
It will mean a possible break up because I have a feeling we cannot compromise on this one.
I couldn't sleep until 4am and I haven't talked to him yet today. TIFU.
mythrowawayresponse: > I am a stuck up Californian
... \x/estside!
**NM is not for you.** Tell them you aren't moving. Don't make it a long tirade - just be firm and assured that your decision is sound.
athrowawaynessa: I am scared to death of this talk. They haven't been to CA and they, living in a poorer state, believe they could never afford it and hate it on general principals. But they are great people and I have no idea why they think their state is so wonderful.
yaaahh: Or you move there for a little try to see something else try to acclimate, if you reaaly don't like it you can still play the "I can't find a job card, life was much better in SoCal let's try it there..."
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1403040489 | 1403109196 | t3_28ekqk | t5_2to41 | 11 | Mrsoulofrock: TIFU by being sarcastic to my employer.
I've been working here for about 5 months and for the first time in about a month I was late, I should be ashamed I know and I am. It was a total of 6 minutes and that was enough for my boss to start ranting about how much wok is created by my tardiness to which I regretfully replied with "oh yeah because I'm late so often." So little to my knowledge this was enough to make him go to his desk and print out a sheet showing my, and two other employees attendance record for the last four months. He then presented said records to inform me of my poor performance in the presence of co-workers. So yeah that's my morning.
CapgrasX13: The great thing about employers is that there are a shit ton of them.
stupidshamelessUSA: Well tell me where to find an employer that will hire me. Yeah, there's a shit ton of employers out there, but what good are they when none of them will fucking hire you?
[deleted]: The question is, "What good are you if you're so useless that no employer will hire you?"
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1403041170 | 1403136744 | t3_28eltz | t5_2to41 | 48 | SeattleMana: TIFU by shaking out my wet towel
I just got out of the shower and grabbed my towel which was hanging by the shower. A portion of the towel had gotten wet from the shower so I proceeded to shake it out in front of me. After a few good shakes I began making progress with the motion that maximized pulling the water off the towel. Eventually it started snapping and I liked it and I did it one final time as the wet towel snapped back and the lower corner of the wet towel sprung back to the tip of my penis connecting perfectly as it snapped against my sensitive skin causing the most painful penis pain I have ever experienced. I fell to my knees instantly in agony unsure of how to manage the pain. Unfortunately this is one that has to be endured til' the end.
meye-username: Any reason why you didn't wring the water out of the towel?
SeattleMana: Yes! Wait no. There's no reason.
| 3 | 16 | |
1403040643 | 1403042586 | t3_28ekzk | t5_2to41 | 15 | Macblack20: TIFU by misreading my college assignment and getting a zero on my first test.
I know this isn't as bad as being penetrated by a faucet while having a sexy time shower, but I fucked up today nonetheless.
Let me start by saying that I am in high school, and I decided to take a college course at my local community college this summer (online). We are in the fourth week of class, and I thought that this week's assignment would be our first test, which is what the title read on the assignment. Nope, turns out that the test, despite being in a separate week column, was due last week along with my essay. The correct dates for the test were in the text part of the document, how I missed it, I don't know, but I did.
Now, I am going to go /r/offmychest for a second. Why the fuck did the test get put into next week's assignment, with the dates June 18th-24th, but be due on June 15th! This planning has not only made me fail a test, but, also made every week after this have the wrong dates for the assignment! What sucks even more is the fact that he usually emails me three times a week reminding me that I have assignments due (Really cool of him), but, I received no email reminding me of the test, despite getting emails reminding me of the assignment due that week. I honestly have no discussion ground with this professor since his syllabus states that late work is not accepted unless you email him that it will be late. If I have any ground, it's the wrong dates on the title of the post for the test. So, I don't even know what to say to him in the email explaining what happened.
I know it's my fault, I should have read the fine print, the correct dates were highlighted, which adds to my frustration that I didn't catch it. It still sucks that I failed my first test of my college career. On the bright side, my college ID gets me 10% off at a lot of the places I eat/buy things at, which is awesome.
Tl;Dr: I got a zero on a college test because my eyes suck at being eyes.
CapgrasX13: Just tell your professor what happened, be totally honest. One thing you'll find about college professors is that they tend to be more laid back than high school teachers, especially during the summer and given the fact that you are still a high schooler. The worst that can happen is nothing changes, so it's worth at least asking.
GrapefruitTechnique: This. I was a Grad Assistant and I would have been appreciative of the honesty. Let them know you'll work with them to rectify the issue while making it the least amount of work for them.
| 3 | 5 | |
1403040463 | 1403043235 | t3_28ekoy | t5_2to41 | 75 | thornrak: TIFU by going to the gym for the first time in 4 months.
So football season is just around the corner and i realized i haven't done any exercise for the past couple of months. So being me i think oh ill just go to the gym for the next couple of weeks. So i get to the gym and start my work out half way through i realize im cramping i just shrug it off thinking it was normal. So right as i finish my workout i feel like im gonna vomit. I rush to the bathroom panicking feeling it build up at the back of my throat right as im about to spew my guts i sneeze. I slowly opened my eyes to one of the most grotesque things ive seen vomit is all over the bathroom and its leaking out of my nose. I frantically try to clean it up but its everywhere even on the ceiling. It took me 20 minutes to clean it up and when i left everyone was staring at me. I don't think ill go back not the gym for awhile.(this happened today and i can still smell the vomit in my nose)
61-50-7: Same thing as happened to me, (well at home afterwards). Keep going and keep doing hard workouts, I doubt you'll puke again unless you wait to go back.
thornrak: I have some free weights at home so i think this week im just gonna workout at home but thanks for the advice man!
| 3 | 25 | |
1403043093 | 1403047103 | t3_28ep6o | t5_2to41 | 24 | 4sumthrowaway1: TIFU by seeing 2 other men's penises and possibly contracting an STD from a girl I'll never see again.
So last week, I was on a cruise with my family. I met a few other guys while I was there that I would hangout with at night and try to pickup girls with and whatever else. One night, one of the guys convinces a girl to sleep with him. For reasons unknown, all of us decided to sit in the room while the two of them were having sex behind these curtains that separated the bed from the couches. We were a little fucked up because of cheap alcohol and it being 2:00 in the morning, so I thought it would be funny to joke about gang banging this girl to the other people in the room, not even realizing that she would hear. One of the people on the couch with me decided it was time to head out, so he walked over to the bed and yelled bye, then his arm was grabbed and all I saw was his body disappear into the darkness behind the curtains followed by the girls voice whispering, "take off your pants." Everyone's jaws dropped as we were sitting in the same room as two dudes tag teaming this girl. Shortly after, I hear the girl yell, "where's blondie?" Then, the curtains fly open and she point at me and everyone starts freaking out as I jump into the bed and tear my pants off and start gang banging this girl I don't even know the name of with two other people that I had just met. None of us used condoms and we all ate her out, kissed her, etc after our dicks had been in every hole on her body. Needless to say, word spread about the incident pretty quickly and no other girls wanted anything to do with us for the rest of the week.
TheFoolman: There's must've been a lot of seamen on that cruise.
4sumthrowaway1: Way too much. I know we cleaned up with a washcloth and I'm pretty sure one of the dudes took it home
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: *Whoosh*
| 4 | 6 | |
1403043311 | 1403047269 | t3_28epkj | t5_2to41 | 194 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting chewing gum on my vagina.
Yes, you read it right. I got chewing gum on my vagina. I work long hours and before the incident I barely had any sleep for that entire week. So there I am, sitting on the toilet taking the longest piss I could possibly imagine. Elbow on leg, head on palm, just closing my eyes and taking in the sweet relief of emptying my bladder. So halfway through my piss I routinely reach for the toilet paper and fold it in the perfect square that I usually do in preparation to get Miss Daisy dry after that hefty shower. The problem now is that i always fold tissue in the same way to discard of chewing gum. So, it happened. I automatically spit my gum onto the unsuspecting tp and waited for my flooded bladder to be drained. *wipe wipe pat wipe wipe* I pulled all my lower body clothing up and walked over to the sink where I felt the strangest sensation of pulling and tugging on my pubes. Suddenly...realization. Now I haven't landscaped for a while so u can say my pubic hair was almost equivalent to that of Rick Ross's chin....almost. What did I do after you ask? Not one fuck, I will answer. Left that muddafucking gum right there til I got home and got my vag to look like Terry Crews' head.
Cheeseburger_Bandit: At least it wasn't a spider
I_FUCK_CHEETAHS: Or worst. A sticky spider.
| 3 | 64.666667 | |
1403043401 | 1403070154 | t3_28epq5 | t5_2to41 | 16,205 | Brenvol: TIFU by peeing too hard
I had a meeting at work today. There were about 30 people in the meeting, and it was very important. It was only supposed to last 1-2 hours, but it went way over time. 3 hours after the meeting started, I really had to pee. But seeing as it was already an hour over time, I was confident I could hold it till the meeting was over. No one else had gotten up since the meeting started, and seeing as I've only been employed there for less than a month, I wasn't going to be the first one to do so.
After 4 hours, my bladder was about to explode. I battled myself mentally, trying to convince myself to just go pee, while the other half of me didn't want to make a bad impression this early in my career. Right as I was about to jump up and just go for it, they wrapped up the meeting. As soon as they dismissed, I jumped from my seat and ran straight to the bathroom.
I started unzipping before i had barely made it into the bathroom, and I was already peeing 2 steps from the urinal. I settled in at the urinal and unleashed a fire-hydrant load of urine. Apparently I wasn't the only one who had to use the restroom, because there were more and more people coming in and using the toilets or standing along the wall behind me, waiting for the urinal to open up.
Not wanting to stand there and pee forever, I tensed up by bladder, peeing as hard and as fast as I could. I guess when you do this you also hold your breath. Either way, I pushed way too hard, for way too long. I started getting really light headed and lost my balance. I took 2 steps back and passed out, falling straight on my back. I was probably only passed out in the floor for less than 5 seconds, but that was plenty enough time for about 10 of my coworkers to see me stumble back, fall in the floor with my dick hanging out of my pants, and then piss into the air like an angel statue in a park all over myself and the floor. I'm not sure I can show my face there tomorrow.
Tl;dr Tried to pee too hard, showed my dick to my coworkers, and pissed all over myself.
Edit- I was feeling better about the situation after reading some of your comments until I realized that someone had to clean up my urine after I left. Omgomgomg
Edit2- Holy shit guys, you popped my gold cherry not once, but twice! Not that it will help me when I have to go to work tomorrow, but it makes me happy for now at least! Thanks!
Edit3 - For those of you who missed it when it was posted and have wondered about how work went the next day, [here is the update](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28i9d0/tifupdate_to_me_peeing_too_hard/).
Edit 4 - This post was masterfully narrated, check it out [here](https://m.youtube.com/watch?index=14&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&v=qvy5w7rkhEE)!
Heavy_Medz: No way you just ensured yourself a long future at that company. Who would ever want to fire the guy that passed out peeing in the bathroom.
starstarstar42: Follow-up question: did you pass out with your mouth open? Was the stream strong enough to... I mean there is awesome TIFU and there is "Legendary" TIFU. This could push it over into uncharted TIFU territory, is all I'm saying.
mangarooboo: Yeah, OP if you really want those upvotes you're going to have to do this again and do it right this time. Pee in mouth ftw
_vargas_: As I was laying here reading this, I tried to get a real world sense of the physics of what was happening. I actually unzipped and removed my dick through the fly of my pants, taking note of the angle as I did. I've come to the conclusion that if this had happened to me, I would have ended up pissing on my face. I've decided against attempting it, though. At the moment, there's a five mile per hour crosswind in my apartment, so I would most likely miss my face and hit my dog. Hell, he'd probably enjoy it, but then i'd have to give him another bath and he would hold it against me like he always does. I'd wake up t him eating my shoe of humping my head or something.
[deleted]: I didn't know you had a dog Vargas. What kind?
_vargas_: [A corgi/chihuahua mix.](http://i.imgur.com/O3hXttm.jpg)
joneska88: Aww! How cute
_vargas_: He says "thanks" and to keep him in mind if you know of any sweet bitches looking to bone.
ThegreatPee: It's almost as if /u/Vargas is becoming.....normal. I don't trust it.
neurorgasm: It's hard to be normal when Reddit rides your dick with the force of a thousand Unidans.
Nsongster: Unidan (Noun)
A unit of measurement; Used to measure dickriding.
*Reddit upvotes anything Vargas says with the force of a thousand unidans.*
| 12 | 1,350.416667 | |
1403044329 | 1403104865 | t3_28er7a | t5_2to41 | 18 | Throwaway_acct_0001: TIFU by allowing my own lies to fester instead of discussing them with the person I love.
It was all my fault. Instead of working it out with her, I procrastinated. I put it off for months and months. I was a fucking idiot. Now I've broken her trust. I don't know if either of us can fully forgive me for what I've done. Surprisingly, she didn't dump my ass on the spot, which is better than I deserve.
I love her though. All I want is her well-being. I don't care if she dumps me or whatever, so long as she's safe and will eventually be happy again. So long as that's assured, I honestly don't mind what happens to me. I fucked up bad. Now all I can hope to do is repair what damage I can and plan for the future.
(please note that this all happened within 7 months)
prime_times: So, what did you do?
Throwaway_acct_0001: I got emotionally attached to someone I met on /r/SuicideWatch. At the time, I'd lied about certain things in order to make a shitty situation look not so shitty.
Then we were in a relationship together and I never got around to telling her the truth. She figured it out and now we're having the first real fight of our relationship.
It was my own damn fault too. All of it. Now I can't stop worrying and hating myself.
mythrowawayresponse: If you love her then let her go... **lying to someone you love is loving a lie.**
Throwaway_acct_0001: You're probably right. Maybe it's better to break your own heart sometimes. I can't leave it like this though, I can't leave her hanging. It feels wrong.
Thing is, I don't want to leave her and judging from this morning, she doesn't want me to go. I'm going to try to work things out, but if things go south, then I'll do my best to end it on good-ish terms.
rndomrespndr: rebuilding trust is a difficult but not insurmountable task. if you want to stay with her because you care about her, then tell her that and see how she takes it. it's the truth anyway, so at least if she tells you to leave the last thing you did in the relationship was be straight with her about something that matters.
Throwaway_acct_0001: She's told me that she still loves me but doesn't know if she can trust me anymore. That's fair enough for me. We're going to stay together, it's just that rebuilding the trust will take time.
I've been given a second chance. Most people don't get those. I'm just going to do my utmost to salvage and maintain our relationship on my end.
Thanks for all the advice, I think we'll be okay for now.
daytonatrbo: Remember this pain, hurt, and fear next time your thoughts stray to something unacceptable.
Throwaway_acct_0001: I will.
| 9 | 2 | |
1403028937 | 1403127775 | t3_28e03w | t5_2to41 | 24 | BuggityHuggity: TIFU Killing a fly with a frying pan
Today I tried my hand at cooking however it didn't go as planned; I was trying to make an omelette, so cracked some eggs, added some veg etc etc and started cooking. It was fine until not one but TWO big ass blue bottle flies came straight through the window and started flying around the kitchen. This is NOT okay, you see I'm a hypochondriac and on top of that I absolutely hate insects so flies are like mega freaking out mode. Did not have anything near me and when one of the bastards perched on the microwave I instinctively picked the closest thing next to me and slammed it on the little shit. Little chunks of omelette flew around the kitchen but I nailed that little shit.
To top it all off my dad casually walks in and smirks: "At least you fried".
TL;DR: Epic failed in trying to make an omelette by trying to kill a fly with the frying pan. Dented microwave. Dad walks in and tries to be funny.
It was so bad I think this should be in /r/dadjokes
SinkHoleDeMayo: Title could be "IFU by being a moron".
But hey, at least you gave us something to laugh at.
BuggityHuggity: I agree. In hindsight, it was just a ridiculously OTT way to kill a fly.
SinkHoleDeMayo: Yeah it was. Hilarious though!
| 4 | 6 | |
1403044562 | 1403110183 | t3_28erji | t5_2to41 | 17 | ThrowawayPornTime: TIFU By Watching Porn On My iPod
Okay, so I'm not allowed to connect my iPod to wifi. But sometimes I do it anyways, to get on Reddit, or sometimes I end up watching porn on it. So, the other night, I went to my room around eleven, but my parents staid up late to watch TV. Since my parents almost never entery room, I started watching porn, and eventually I ended up masturbating. When I was ready to finish, I decided to go into the bathroom and spray into the sink (it's just easier than cleaning it off of my bed). So I finished, and I put my iPod down on the counter while I put my pants back on. So then I grabbed my iPod, and went back into my room to sleep. About ten minutes later, I heard my dad walk up the stairs and go into the bathroom.
Then I realized. My first spurt had missed the sink by a bit, and I didn't clean it up. Now I'm kind of freaking out, because I don't want my parents to know what I had just done.
A few minutes later, I heard him leave the bathroom, and walk toward my room. He opened up the door and immediately walked over to my iPod, picked it up, and turned on the screen.
Shit. I forgot to close my tabs and turn off the wifi.
So my dad turned on my iPod to see a girl bouncing up and down on a dude.
I got in trouble.
Mkep: Am I the only person asking how tall is this kid damn to cum into the sink without parabolic trajectory you'd have to be really tall I'm six foot and it can't cum in the sink
pinkfloyd52998: I'm 6' 4" and have really long legs.... (´･_･`)
Mkep: The fuck? How old are you?
Ninja edit: spelling
pinkfloyd52998: I just turned 16... I have to get my pants custom made along with my suits because I am so tall. No suits matches the length of my arms because I am so skinny. Same for my pants.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1403044902 | 1403098245 | t3_28es4m | t5_2to41 | 20 | rubytwoshoes: TIFU by breaking my own nose
Clumsiness runs in the family. In junior high, my younger sister missed a step on the school bus and face-planted onto the ashphalt. I'm five years older and ridiculed her for years. Today I got my comeuppance.
I stayed up far too late partying last night. I ultimately got about 3 hours sleep. I work for a family business and typically do very little 'work' throughout the day. Today was an exception. I had boxes to deliver and boxes to pick up in each corner of the city. Hungover and feeble, I finally loaded the car and said goodbye to my coworkers.
I approached the car door normally and can't say exactly what happened next, but it would seem that in my hungover state, I attempted to enter the car whilst opening the door. The very corner of the door struck my nose side on. I heard a weird crunch. For a moment time stood still before a flood of unbelievable pain, tears, and blood washed over me. My nose was broken. For sure. I turned around to see my mother laughing hysterically.
Now I'm taped up, drugged up, and wondering how I am going to explain the state of my face to my friends and peers...
mythrowawayresponse: > I turned around to see my mother laughing hysterically.
Women have a knack of laughing when their men are in pain.
rubytwoshoes: But...I'm her daughter.
Mkep: Probably should've informed us you were a girl some how
[deleted]: If only ovary sonar worked over the internet!!!
| 5 | 4 | |
1403035429 | 1407542638 | t3_28ec0z | t5_2to41 | 7 | vreintex: TIFU by not filing a change of address with USCIS
Little background about myself: currently going through i-485/i-130 process (adjustment of status/green card process already in the USA). When my husband and I started this process I wanted to do everything myself but we decided to bite the bullet and hire a lawyer, better safe than sorry. Right now we commute back and forth from California to Georgia, and I will be moving to Georgia next week. This morning we received an interview notice to appear in California in the middle of July. I'll already be in Georgia by that time, everything is scheduled and money spent, etc. This wouldn't have happened if I had filed for a change of address 2 weeks ago when my husband suggested but now according to the lawyer everything is going to be delayed further. Legal Immigration sucks, and it's very expensive.
TLDR: My green card process is delayed, I am pissed and probably could have been avoided by filing a change of address a bit ago.
throwawayimmigration: Did you have to submit any certified copies of supporting documents with your I-130? I'm in the process now, and I'm curious if my passport, birth cert and marriage cert have to be certified copies? What did you submit? Thanks!!
vreintex: Wow I realize this is a month late - I don't login very often.
Password was photocopies, birth cert was a copy, marriage cert was a copy. Basically everything is a copy, unless specifically asked to bring originals. For the interview process they ask to bring originals.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403045906 | 1403231986 | t3_28etr0 | t5_2to41 | 24 | worstpersonever2: TIFU by smashing my jetski into my husband
We're both slightly bruised, but okay. I was following him at what I thought was a safe distance when he suddenly turned and i collided with him sideways. He could have died right there in front of our house. I could have killed him in a split second or smashed his head or broke his back... I don't know how to react. I can't cry and I don't know how to make it better. I want to kill myself for being so stupid and careless. I don't know how I can face him again after how badly I fucked up, so I'm hiding up here on the computer feeling my heart race and waiting for a magical time eraser. I really fucked up.
BloodQueef_McOral: Why isn't he comforting you?
worstpersonever2: Because I almost killed him...
BloodQueef_McOral: So he's mad at you? Because of a possible momentary lack of judgement? How childish of him. You'll both have plenty of these throughout your lives.
rxcowboy: Yes how dare someone be upset that someone smashed a jetski into him at speed. His being upset is as natural as her being upset. Don't white knight so hard.
BloodQueef_McOral: When my wife gets upset over stupid stuff she does, it's my role to comfort her, not make things worse.
rxcowboy: Does your wife have the emotional maturity of a toddler? If your wife causes you intense physical pain it's your job to make her not feel bad?
Bullshit.
If my wife fucks up, she apologizes, we hash it out and move on. If I fuck up, the same.
If she smashes a damn jet ski into me, I'm not going to pull my bruised and probably bleeding body out of the water and say " Oh god babe I'm so sorry you're upset that you smashed me with a fucking jet ski."
I'm all for emotionally comforting my wife and not exacerbating the situation, but people have the right to be upset if someone does something wrong.
If you fall into an emotional wreck because you hurt someone and the person you hurt doesn't come running to comfort YOU, seek professional help.
BloodQueef_McOral: Why would you get mad at something that was clearly an accident?
rxcowboy: I'm going to accidentally hit you with a car and see if you get slightly peeved.
BloodQueef_McOral: Probably not, if it was an accident.
rxcowboy: I'm amazed you have cell service in The Sea of Galilee because you are clearly Jesus of fucking Nazareth.
BloodQueef_McOral: Satellite phone, my son. Dad got me on the corporate plan.
| 12 | 2 | |
1403030427 | 1403064598 | t3_28e2si | t5_2to41 | 21 | InsertBadAssNameHere: TIFU by getting dressed while half asleep
I work pretty early so last night I got my clothes ready for work in the morning and set it aside. I also recently got a puppy. I thought it would be okay to leave him in my room while I showered for bed. First mistake.
Once I'm out the shower and go into my room I see that he's gotten a hold of my clothes, so I take them away and put them where he can't reach. I didn't even think to inspect them.
This morning my alarm goes off, and as usual I struggle to get up. Now I'm running late and have to rush while getting ready. Third mistake.
Finally get dressed, do my makeup and brush my teeth and I'm out the door.
About thirty minutes into work I realize I didn't get to take my morning pee and head to the restroom. I pull down my pants and sit down to see some pretty big holes/tares in my pants. So part of my ass/pussy had been hanging out this whole time.
I have no idea how I didn't notice sooner.
livinginacircle: On the bright side: this might be the only pussy some guys got the whole year.
InsertBadAssNameHere: Well I also wasn't wearing any underwear, so they got a pretty good eye full. Your welcome?
iamthedigitalcheese: Well played. Flaunting it like a boss.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1403049959 | 1403141505 | t3_28f03r | t5_2to41 | 61 | sgthavoc32: TIFU by showing a dick pic to a co-worker
TIFU when I decided to show a co-worker, the gal who sits behind my cube, pictures from my week long vacation from work. All was going absolutely fantastic until I went one swipe too far and it had a blurry picture of my penis. But that isn't the end. I decide to quickly swipe right again and this time just a full HDR picture of it. She said thats what she though it was the first time but wasn't sure and then boom there it was. She laughed as I curled up in a red ball. The worst part is that she didn't even say "It's alright" or anything of the sort. She just said "Lets move forward, did you have fun on vacation"?
TIFU BAD.
drpestilence: One of my old coworkers accidentally showed me her vag the same way. These things happen, try not to worry
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Why do you people all keep pics of your genitals on your phone?
sameoldnigga: seriously, hasnt anyone heard of dropbox...
Testes_Tacos: Oh no no no. That's very risky. I have accidentally loaded my entire photo album to a group folder on Dropbox. It's so easy to do and your friends don't need to see any dick pics.
| 5 | 12.2 | |
1403050680 | 1403051184 | t3_28f15y | t5_2to41 | 10 | OPs_a_liar: TIFU by attempting to remove a skin tag with nail polish. (Mildly NSFW)
Okay, so backstory: I have had this skin tag (little flap of extra skin) right next to my manhood for quite awhile (at least a year). It never really bothered me until I started dating. I always thought that if things started to heat up, my girlfriend would see that little fleshy abnormality and think it was something else, like an STD. So today I decided to google ways to remove skin tags that didn't involve going to the doctor's office saying "Hey doc! Freeze this fleshball off my junk, will ya?" So I found some article that gave a few different options, one of which involved coating the tag with nail polish. This is where I fucked up. Thinking "That sounds easy and painless!" I went into my sister's room, found a random bottle of nail polish, dropped trow and went to work. It felt fine at first, but when I pulled my pants back up a searing hot pain washed over the area, and by proximity, my balls. I fell out of my chair, gripping my manhood as the pain got worse and worse. Apparently nail polish contains alcohol and other fun stuff that burns like hell when it touches sensitive skin.
TL;DR: Nail polish and groins don't mix.
Ingens_Testibus: I think the OPs_a_liar.
OPs_a_liar: Haha, I didn't even notice until after I posted. Then I thought "Oh, that name's going to go over well."
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1403048066 | 1403131766 | t3_28ex43 | t5_2to41 | 268 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting I am schizofrenic
So... I was just minding my own buisness, walking down the streets, when I realized I had forgotten to call my girlfriend to tell her I was going to go out with my friends. So, naturally, I take out my cell phone and I called her cellphone. Something fell weird, but when she answered it, I just started talking, like a complete retard. "Hey, darling, I will go out with my friends and we'll be back by midnight, OK?" Something was defenitively wrong. "OK, I guess." Anxious to know what was wrong, I quickly said "Love you babe. Cya." Halfway downroad, I realized what was wrong. I am a disorganized schizofrenic, which basically means my head is a mess, and I also hear some voices when I am really stressed out. Anyway, I also have some weird, fake illusions. The girl I just called, whom I belived was my girlfriend, was my crush, and I was fantasizing about her being in a relationship with me for some days. Anyway, now I have to tell her that I am schizofrenic, and that will probably mean a bad ending.
Tl;dr: Called my crush, whom I thought was my girlfriend, told her I love her. Fuck schizofrenia.
MaliciousLeviathan: Don´t mean to ridicule your illness or otherwise make fun of you...
but I kinda wish I could fool myself into thinking that I have a girlfriend, even if only for a little bit.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: You do, her name is Handjelina Jolie
ablinddingo93: Palmela Handerson
MachinaExDeo: Chwristy Turlington?
ericofbodom: lindsay lohand
| 6 | 44.666667 | |
1403053720 | 1403054688 | t3_28f5nj | t5_2to41 | 3 | eterfate: TIFU by fucking with an escort
Yay! I get to post this here (don't know why I am so excited). First of all, let me tell you that I am a really open-minded person and I live by the "always try it at least once rule." Ok now, story time:
Recently I have been really sexually frustrated. I have been busting my ass working full-time and being a full-time student at the same time. On January I started having an affair with my married boss. She got the body, the personality, and everything and I was like why not? So, we started dating, hanging out and then... no sex. As it turns out she was PREGNAT!!!!! I dodged a bullet. However, my balls had gone to size watermelon by that time. I had to have some booty. Like I said before, I have no time to go out there and play the game. So, my friend recommended this website. I was desperate by then. It seemed as a good idea: NSA, discreet, I got mine and she got hers. But, it was not as I expected. She looked nothing like her pics! She was nasty, fat (for my standards, sorry), and was covered in idk what lotion. It made me sick. My mind said, "dude, gtfo!" but my penis said, "dude, booty!" Thus, I stayed. Now I have been this whole week and I am feeling like a scumbag (go ahead Reddit say it). I am going to get myself checked tomorrow. Hopefully I did not catch anything.
Guys, or girls, do not pay someone else for sex! It's degrading and you can catch something you don't want.
td:lr TIFU by having sex with escort. Felt nasty, degrading, and I am scared I caught something.
nhebert1987: MyRedBook? Lol should have just used craigslist or something, or go to your downtown area near last call and do some booty trolling.
eterfate: nah tried craigslist...full of spam
| 3 | 1 | |
1403054651 | 1403110899 | t3_28f6zk | t5_2to41 | 12 | FALC0_PUNCH: TIFU By exposing my penis to my college campus.
I have been wearing the same black, denim shorts for most of the past year. I suppose I wear them so much because black matches almost any shirt I wear, and I am lazy. Not long ago the button on these shorts broke off, but like I said, I am lazy so I never got them fixed. Usually just wearing a belt would do the trick, so I continued to wear the buttonless shorts all the same. One thing I would notice though was that without the button, the zipper would descend down. Sometimes it would fall halfway down, sometimes it would go down completely, but I would always notice quickly and just zip it back up - no problem.
Today I wore these very same pants on my way to class on campus. I was running late, and needed to take the shuttle to get there. Today my sexual behaviors teacher was going to play his coveted educational porno for the class to watch, and needless to say I didn't want to miss that. As I got off the shuttle I noticed a rather attractive girl walking in the opposite direction, grinning at me. As much as I'd have liked to return this eye-fuck, I was in a hurry to watch some good ol' educational intercourse.
My class was nearly on the opposite side of campus from the shuttles - roughly a mile and a half, so I picked up my pace. By the time I got to the building my class was in, I was nearly out of breath. I walked through the glass doors to notice a stark change in temperature, coming from 90-something degrees outside, to a very well air-conditioned interior.
My penis also couldn't help but notice how chilly it had gotten. WAIT WHAT??? I looked down to see my zipper all the way down, and my penis hanging out of my shorts completely... I had coincidentally been wearing an old pair of boxers today, with none of those buttons that usually keep the hole in front closed. Somewhere in my hurried trot to class my penis had broken free of its clothed entrapment and decided to say hello to everybody I passed on campus. I'm guess this happened before or as I got off the shuttle, as it suddenly occurred to me that the girl from the shuttle loop was not just smiling at my good looks...
Oh well, at least I noticed before I watched porn with the other 200-something students in my lecture.
TL;DR - I wear old, buttonless shorts, and today I paid for it when my zipper fell down, and my junk was exposed for my walk across campus.
WPBDoc: So you are going into student debt in order to watch porn for college credit? No wonder the education system is in the crapper and we continue to fall behind other developing countries.
sameoldnigga: who says he lives in the same country as you?
| 3 | 4 | |
1403054294 | 1403154167 | t3_28f6hd | t5_2to41 | 121 | bagelmanb: TIFU by lifting imaginary weights
I do improv from time to time. A few years ago, my troupe had a show coming up so we were practicing to get ready. We start a scene taking place in a gym. Now, in improv you don't usually have props or sets so you have to pantomime everything. I usually crank up the overacting because scenes are 2 minutes and you don't have time for nuance. So naturally since we're at a gym I start pantomiming lifting weights. Trying to be convincing, I really go all out like lifting this imaginary barbell is the most strenuous task in the world. Teeth clenched, every muscle in my body tightened to the point of shaking, making grunts and squeals reminiscent of dying farm animals, the whole nine yards.
Well, it turns out I did a little too good a job at tightening everything, because I (according to my doctor's best guess) stimulated my [Vagus nerve](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagus_nerve). I tried to say a line in the scene but instead got really lightheaded and couldn't formulate a sentence. I stumbled forward and nearly passed out. Everyone was worried if I was ok and I had to explain that yes, now I was fine, but that the strain of lifting an imaginary weight had apparently been too much for my frail body to handle.
**TL;DR nearly fainted from the immense strain of lifting literally nothing.**
Pancreatic_Pirate: Method acting.
callanrocks: Dedicated to the role.
| 3 | 40.333333 | |
1403049520 | 1403058689 | t3_28ezd8 | t5_2to41 | 47 | the_winter_storm: TIFU by playing hide and seek
*Sigh*.
I have two young godkids, 7 and 5. I took them to the park and everything was all fine and dandy. They wanted me to play hide and seek with them.
Why not? Couldn't think of any reason not to. They told me it was my turn to hide and they would both try to find me (they're a little backwards on how the game works sometimes...).
Great. I hid underneath a little ramp thing that kids run up on to get to the jungle-gym/slides area.
And that, my friends, is exactly where I fucked up.
It actually took them a while to find me, the park is HUGE and has five different playground areas *plus* the woods/trails. All in all, the place is about ten acres, which is huge for a park.
Anyways. They found me. They were on top of the ramp when they somehow saw me through the cracks in the boards hiding underneath them.
They were so excited they started jumping up and down and chanting "We found you! We found you!" I was busy laughing at the kids because they were just too cute so I didn't bother to come out from underneath the ramp while they were cheering.
**Reddit. That's when all of hell's fury broke loose.**
There was a nest of yellow jackets right above my head and you better believe me, they *all* decided to come out and party with the kids by stinging the shit out of me.
I yelled at the kids to run away and they did. Somehow they didn't get stung and I'm very happy they didn't.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ that shit hurts.
**TL;DR: FUCK YELLOW JACKETS.**
lookatthisthrowaway3: Why didn't your God-kids use their divine powers to rescue you?
the_winter_storm: Because they're little shit heads and get great enjoyment from seeing me in pain.
lookatthisthrowaway3: My two-year-old daughter thinks it's absolutely hilarious to punch me in the stomach. Pretty much the only thing that makes her laugh. What the fuck is with kids, man.
the_winter_storm: Well, I mean, we're all psychotic little bastards on the inside. Kids just don't know how to keep it locked up and when to show it.
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1403056830 | 1403110269 | t3_28fa9m | t5_2to41 | 360 | [deleted]: TIFU by straightening my pubic hair
So 3 days ago I was very drunk and thought it would be a good idea to go to the salon to get my pubic hair straightened. My dick now looks like a proud lion with a long flowing mane.
EDIT: It may sound like an awesome idea for a costume party but its just not really practical. I say I fucked up because since straight hair is less willing to compress in your trousers than curly hairs, theres this awkward lump there so its kind of embarrassing to go out in public :/
nhebert1987: This is the first time I am hearing that you can get your pubic hair straightened at a salon
[deleted]: IKR
tacomalvado: So...who straightened your pubes? We needs details!
[deleted]: My friend who works there did it for me in the salon, but it was in off hours, so i guess it means they don't technically do it.
| 5 | 72 | |
1403057444 | 1403137062 | t3_28fb6v | t5_2to41 | 229 | cringethrowaway29: TIFU by making a 9 year old girl with cancer cry.
Throwaway because other councilors know my reddit. I'm a councilor at a summer camp. My group of girls is 8-10 years old. A few nights ago, I overheard some of the girls complaining to each other that they were fat or ugly. This was devastating for me to hear, as 8 year-olds should not have these kind of self-esteem issues. So tonight, before they came back from dinner, I decided to write up a bunch of nice notes to leave in each of these girl's cubbies. They were generic things like "You have pretty eyes!" and "You have such a nice smile!" I didn't pay any attention to what notes I was putting in whose cubbies, as they were all pretty generic and could apply to anyone. As I walked over to the cabin after the girls had gotten back, I expected to hear giggling and gossip over the mysterious notes. Instead, I heard crying. I walked inside, and one of the girls was crying and talking to another councilor. This is a girl who is bald and I was told by the head councilor is fighting cancer. I asked her what was wrong and the other councilor handed me a note "some asshole left in her cubbie." It was my note, and it read, "You have such pretty hair!" I just wanted to crawl away. I'm in the councilors's cabin right now, and everyone is talking about who could have done such a thing. I feel like shit.
dancingmrt: Can't confirm if hell exists, but im pretty sure you just bought your summer home there.
brtlblayk: Michigan isn't too bad in the summer, I hear.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: Yes..Yes it is.
| 4 | 57.25 | |
1403058529 | 1403058755 | t3_28fcsf | t5_2to41 | 4 | Samq695: TIFU- Today I fucked up by calling out Mike O'Hearn on instagram
TurnMeOnline420: Mike who?
Samq695: http://instagram.com/mikeohearn
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403058855 | 1403077003 | t3_28fdb7 | t5_2to41 | 9 | username_error1: TIFU by not wearing any sunblock
I was out by the pool today for about...oh... 6+hours on a sunny cloudless day with no sunblock on. That's basically the whole story. You know your sunburn is really bad when you walk into walgreens for aloe vera gel and before you even ask the cashier what you're looking for she says "It's in the first aisle." Will post picture in the comments
bothan13: I am fortunate enough to have never experienced a terrible sunburn. It seems like it's the worst thing ever.
lnpeters: You have no idea. After a bad burn when I was in Tennessee, I rode home in the car literally shaking. I felt so cold but my skin felt red hot. I immediately drew a lukewarm bath and submerged myself. The water warmed up and I had to drain the tub and fill it again. I probably did this 4 more times before I tried to go to bed. I thought I was going to die.
bothan13: I feel sorry for you.
lnpeters: Aww, thanks random internet stranger. You made me smile. :-)
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1403048890 | 1403154060 | t3_28eye1 | t5_2to41 | 47 | sarasti: TIFU by maturbating after cutting and handling hot peppers
Yesterday the supermarket near me had a big sale on hot peppers, so I bought two dozen ancho and jalapeño peppers. Today when I got home from work I figured I'd grill some chicken and roast some of the peppers to put on top and some more for omelettes and other recipes throughout the week.
After grilling I ate, read the paper, and cleaned up and totally forgot about handling all those hot peppers. Fast forward about 30 minutes and I find something good online, break out the lotion, and do what must be done. The whole time I feel a little warm, but don't really notice anything amiss.
Literally the moment I finish, the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced takes hold. I stumble to the shower kicking off my clothes, but the water hurts, the soap hurts, and nothing works. I spent about a half hour in there with cold water and every single soap and shampoo hoping that one of them would magically be able to remove all the pepper oil. Now I'm sitting here in my loosest pair of boxers with the fan pointed at my crotch regretting everything.
tl;dr: Not even burning pepper oil can stop me from jacking off.
stupidshamelessUSA: Milk helps the burning go away.
sarasti: I think I'm going to pass on sticking my junk in some milk. Not my fetish.
SauliusTheBlack: ffs. someone gives you sound advice, and you say "Not my fetish" :-O
sarasti: I was making a joke, dude. Chill.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: >Chili
Fixed that for you.
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1403059355 | 1403132293 | t3_28fe14 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming in my mouth
This is kinda embarrassing.. and it tasted like salty shit. I'm surprised I decided to tell you guys this, but it's better to share it out on the internet then tell a friend. So it's about 2 am after playing some league of legends. I got tired, and laid my laptop down on the side of the bed. As I lay down, watching videos, I felt kinda horny. So I decided to watch some porn. As I watch videos, I just started jerking off.. As I felt the urge to release the white shit, my mouth was open and it was more of a gagging face. Well, as I'm laying in bed, the cum shot into the air, and landed on my face, then into my mouth. I was really shocked, and the only thing I said to myself was: Shit. I was about to puke, and I just spat on my towel and cleaned my shirt. Well there you go guys, my fuck up, about 2 months ago.
[deleted]: this is what you're asking girls to do. so if they swallow thank them a lot
pepsiace502: But still, I mean, why do girls like to swallow it? Tastes so bad.
Catherinekeeley: Are you my roommate..? This sounds like his daily life. Jizz doesn't taste that bad. It's also good for you. So why not swallow it.
pepsiace502: I don't think it's natural for people to commonly say that they swallow cum now and then. That's just.. no. People would also think you're gay or a freak, if you're a guy. If you were a girl they would assume you're a slut.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1403058626 | 1403121416 | t3_28fcxh | t5_2to41 | 4 | shotgunraptorjesus: TIFU by hysterically laughing at a special-ed kid
So my friends and I were sitting in our Algebra II class, bored out of our minds and clearly not doing our work like respectable young lads (this wasn't from today, but recently). One thing to note is that the class just down the hall from us was a much more rowdy and wild class, and although the teacher in there is one of the coolest dudes in the school, he often has a tough time keeping control of the kids in his class. Often you'll hear wild yelling from the room, and the door is often closed because of it (it's not a special needs or remedial class, it's just high schoolers being high schoolers).
So today of all the days the class-next-door is strangely quiet for once, which means either the teacher has finally maintained order, or that they're taking a test or something. So the group of desks with my friends and I were quietly doing our work (not really but you get the point) when suddenly we hear the loudest yell we've heard in a while. Seriously, it puts the wombo combo to shame in how loud it was. So naturally, the ear-piercing shriek combined with the unusual silence caused our group to start laughing uncontrollably. However, as we found out the hard way, it wasn't an out-of-control class of teenagers we were laughing at.
It was a fucking special-ed kid.
The room went dead silent, and we looked out the door to see what the commotion was about. To our horror, we realized it was a mentally disabled kid being helped through the hallways by his aides to the bathroom. For the record, I don't know what kind of disability it is, but he can barely walk on his own, and he needs an aide to walk behind him with a vest on him to hold onto so he can't wander off on his own. He also is incapable of speech, either moaning or loudly screaming. I don't think it's down's syndrome, but I could be wrong.
Anyways, once the initial shock had worn off that we laughed our asses off over a special-ed kid, we closed the classroom door, then looked over to our teacher, who was giving the best "You dun fucked up son" look she could muster for our group. Everyone else was either awkwardly turning away to do their work, or staring at us like we were literally Hitler.
So that's the story of how we laughed at the mentally disabled.
CYOA_With_Hitler: Can confirm, literally worse than Hitler, the worst he even did was give them a nice long shower.
RedTango1: The water bill must have cost him millions.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403062449 | 1403067416 | t3_28ficp | t5_2to41 | 25 | kn33lbeforezod: TIFU by trying out something new.
TIFU! So, I work at a large retail store, which I won't name for the sake of keeping my job. Anyway, I am a pretty good salesman, but I tend to repeat myself to each of the customers I see. I have a coworker, Frank, who is always giving me hell because I say the same thing over and over again. So, today I decided to change up things with ways I phrase offering help to customers. So I am walking down the aisle, and I see an elderly man who is staring at the wall, just kind of looking at our wall of stuff in the room he was in. He is facing the wall, not me. He doesn't really change that situation when I greet him. I can only see his left side. Anywho, I decide to substitute saying, "Let me know if you need some help" with "Let me know if you need a hand." He turns around to look at me then. And my stomach kind of drops, and I'm mortified to see that he doesn't have a right arm! It's amputated at the shoulder. I feel awful, and I apologized profusely, but the damage was done.
TLDR: I asked an amputee if he needed a hand.
Lesson learned: I'm really good at what I do. Don't try to fix what isn't broken.
kn33lbeforezod: Still felt awful. Like the time I was in high school and I asked one of the teachers when she was due. She was not.
wonderpickle2147: You could have spun like you said something about the assignment being due.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1403061771 | 1403149608 | t3_28fhfy | t5_2to41 | 55 | _MEowGUSTA_: TIFU by not seeing X-MEN: Days of Future Past
This didn't happen today, but actually happened the day before Father's Day.
My family went to see X-MEN as a pre-Father's Day treat. I was invited but declined as I hadn't finished my dad's gift. (I have been painting a cooler for my dad for Father's Day.)
Backstory: My grandfather is staying with us for a few months and this is the third day of him living in our house. He constantly asks for help with simple tasks like his laundry, making his lunch, and turning on the TV. I am at home most of the day and help him whenever I am home.
Where I fucked up: When my family left to see the movie, I resumed working on the gift. I had been painting in my room for a while and became very thirsty so I went downstairs to get a water. Upon my return I walk back up the stairs and hear the door to the bathroom at the top open. My grandfather stands there in the doorway completely naked, staring at me.
He must have forgotten that I didn't go to the movies with everyone. After what felt like minutes of eye contact, although was only seconds, I covered my face while yelling that I was sorry and did a 180. I proceeded down the stairs and sat down in disbelief. I heard the door close again, and I ventured back upstairs to my room.
We haven't said a word to each other since it happened. He completely stopped asking for my help with daily tasks. I have told my mom about the incident and she finds it hilarious. These next few months will be uncomfortable.
I love my grandpa very much, and would do just about anything for him. I feel bad for him because I am sure he is embarrassed. He is very religious and prude, so I could be the third woman to ever see him naked. I wish he would just act as though it never happened.
nhebert1987: OP saw her grandpa naked, the bar is set high enough for me to not scare her away with an awkward first date!
_MEowGUSTA_: Unsure if anything can out awkward that moment, and I am a pretty awkward person.
nhebert1987: So when is our date? :)
_MEowGUSTA_: Friday night work for you? I was thinking we could go to The Bee and Barb and have their specialty drinks.
nhebert1987: Sure! I know the bartender there, Talen.
| 6 | 9.166667 | |
1403065330 | 1403113697 | t3_28fm2v | t5_2to41 | 72 | Memithezombiekiller: TIFU by throwing away an empty whiskey bottle.
So I had a large, I mean, huge, enormous, bottle of whiskey that I had been nursing for some time.
Well, the day had come when the last shot was consumed, and I decided that was not going to keep the empty bottle like some sort of white trash trophy.
I haul it out to the dumpster behind my building and wing it, top over bottom, into the receptacle. It goes in and I hear not the delicious sound of shattering glass, but a heavy thump and an unmistakably human sounding "oof!" followed by a thud.
I ran up to the side of the dumpster where the ladder is (because this is a big ass dumpster and I's a short-ass lil' chick, and peered inside.
There was a homeless man sitting in the bottom of the nearly empty dumpster, his head in his hands, my bottle on the floor next to him.
"Are you alright?" I ask, purposely staying out of sight.
"Yeah,"
"I'm really sorry. Do you want me to call someone?" I ask
"The fuck I do, dumpster diving's illegal,"
I ran away like a little bitch.
Shadohound2: Did he seem to be hurt at all, or just shocked? It wasn't really a fuck up in my opinion though.
Memithezombiekiller: I didn't see any blood or anything. I saw him walk away later out my apartment window.
The cruel irony of hitting a dumpster diving hobo in the head with an empty whiskey bottle was just overwhelming.
I have really bad luck with homeless people. My last really good fuck up involved a homeless guy, too.
Lions255: what happened the other time?
Memithezombiekiller: Prep tending I didn't speak English at a hobo, then answering the phone in English, like a total dumbass
Megs2606: Why would you do that in the first place?
Memithezombiekiller: I don't know. Don't you ever do stupid shit?
I thought he'd leave me a lone. He would have, too, if my buddy hadn't called me and I forgot the ruse.
| 7 | 10.285714 | |
1403059366 | 1403096354 | t3_28fe1n | t5_2to41 | 2 | evermore88: TIFU by taking a pure cold shower at midnight last night
now I have a fever =\
I was busy all day until midnight then greatly decided "hey it's the summer" I should cool off by taking a cold shower,
apparently it was too cold....
Saymyname85: People are idiots standing in the cold doest give you a cold, or pneumonia. Im a foreman at my place of work I've heard the stupidest excuse's why the workers can't come in. Working on the indian reservation was the worst since i had to hire an all indian crew since it was on the res. "Hey i can't come in today I left the AC on all night and now I have a cold" Fucking indians are the most worthless "workers". They think they are owed the world this fucking indian money needs to stop so these assholes learn to be responsible for themselves.
Voyager5555: Well that went downhill quickly...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403061530 | 1403097615 | t3_28fh4w | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting trapped in my driveway during a thunderstorm
It started when I decided to leave my house key at home. I took it off the keyring a few days ago and hadn't remembered to reattach it. I always just hit the remote button for my garage door and enter my house that way, so I didn't think anything of it.
That was before the storm.
I had just finished a full day of work, followed by 5 solid hours of tutoring kids at the library. In fact, the library closed at 8pm, but one of my students was still nervous about her exam tomorrow, so we drove to a Panera to study for an additional hour and a half.
As I was driving home, the lightning started. I've never seen anything like it. Big bursts of light that illuminated the entire sky, as if it wasn't a single bolt, but rather the clouds had a dimmer switch that someone was toying with.
Just as I took the exit for my town, all of the power went out. Street lights, traffic lights, all of the businesses went dark. I flipped on my brights and tried not to panic, but at the same moment, the rain started to pour down like I have never seen before. It was as if I was driving through a car wash. I had to guess where the lines on the road were. I was afraid even to pull over, because I might go too far and wind up in a ditch.
My house was less than a mile away, so I drove on. Finally, after gripping my steering wheel and praying that I wasn't drifting off the road, I saw my house! I pulled into the driveway! And just as I was about to exhale, I remembered:
1. My garage door runs on electricity.
1. My fucking house key is on my kitchen table.
If I had arrived home five minutes earlier, the power would have been on.
So I was stuck in my driveway. There was no way in hell I was trying to drive anywhere else in that weather, and I couldn't get into my house. I had to wait in my car for two hours until power was restored.
Edited because to and too mean different things. Argh.
NotAUniqueName1: You've never seen lightning like that? It's like the opposite for me because usually that's all I see, actually seeing a bolt is a rarity.
[deleted]: I have *never* seen anything like it. I live in a place without any severe weather, save for blizzards. It was a shock to me!
I'll have you know I typed that, and only after realized that it was a terrible pun. I'm leaving it.
Silverlight42: [Heat lightning](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat_lightning)
there ya go, now you know.
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Heat lightning**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat%20lightning): [](#sfw)
---
>__Heat lightning__ is the name used for the faint flashes of [lightning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lightning) on the horizon or other clouds from distant [thunderstorms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thunderstorms) that do not have accompanying sounds of thunder. This happens because the lightning occurs very far away and the sound dissipates before it reaches the observer. The term is a little misleading because it has nothing to do with the heat of the lightning itself. At night, it is possible to see the flashes of lightning from very far distances, up to 100 miles, but the sound doesn't carry that far. Lightning results from the discharge of [negative ions](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negative_ions) created from the [friction](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friction) of ice and water particles bumping into each other at the bottom of a cloud. Heat lightning can be an early warning sign that thunderstorms are approaching. In [Florida](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florida), heat lightning is often seen out over the water at night, the remnants of storms that formed during the day along a sea breeze [front](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_front) coming in from the opposite coast.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/oTRRZj0.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Heat_Lightning_-_100613.jpg) - *Distant lightning near Louisville \(Kentucky\)*
---
^Interesting: [^Heat ^Lightning ^\(film)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat_Lightning_\(film\)) ^| [^Lightning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lightning) ^| [^Dry ^lightning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dry_lightning) ^| [^Thunderstorm](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thunderstorm)
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| 5 | 4.2 | |
1403060307 | 1403107539 | t3_28ffec | t5_2to41 | 18 | initialsdrummer: TIFU By Opening My Mouth At Work.
So I work at a Box Office in a Casino in Atlantic City. The people there are either super nice or horrendous fuckers who want you to lose your job because they lost money on a table.
So today I was helping a customer who had made a reservation for our comedy show. When she made the reservation, our customer care team representative messed up by misspelling her name, putting her in for the wrong package type (her reservation) and telling her the wrong time for the show. When this happens, luckily, it all shows up. The lady had her ID, and a confirmation of the reservation which said the correct time and package (the lady I was helping obviously didn't read it).
So I call customer care to try to get things sorted out since I can't make changes without their confirmation--the lady might be wrong on some accounts so we have to back check. While CC was looking her up, the lady started getting impatient and upset. She starts yelling at me saying why it's taking too long etc.
Fuckup time. I tell her that "..this kind of stuff happens all the time with Customer Care and misspellings." Which it does. "It's a harmless thing that can be easily fixed and we're fixing it right now." Lady don't like that. She says why did they misspell my name? This customer care rep better be ready for a call etc. and I try to calm her down. While this was all happening, the Customer Care rep got offended that I said what I said (it happening all the time) and told her boss what I said who relayed that to my boss.
Everything gets recorded up there. Everything. You can hear the lady freaking out and me trying to resolve the situation and what I said was right but wrong. That stuff happens all the time, but the customer doesn't need to know it, plus it's embarrassing to the CC rep to hear that coming from a Box Office Rep.
So now I may be fired if luck is against me, which it tends to be. Just remember people that if you are in this position at work, just keep your mouth shut and don't try to downplay anything or explain anything about bad. My boss said "keep the bad out of your mouth" and she's right. The customer will complain and either your speech will be taken wrong, or it will be taken right. Either way, you will be fucked.
**tl;dr Offended a Customer Care rep at my job and now may be getting fired within the week.**
A-Pi: Maybe you can turn it around by explaining that the process for resolving these issues is really bad. I mean if I was told the wrong time and date AND they misspelled my name and then to top it all off it can't even out on the spot. Add to that you're on the phone so you can't juggle an upset customer and negotiate the fuckup at the same time.
initialsdrummer: At this point, I've already gotten a write up and the customer is long gone. But thanks for the advice
A-Pi: Haha I meant explaining to boss lol
initialsdrummer: Ahh haha gotchya. I will try.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1403077017 | 1403130114 | t3_28fy67 | t5_2to41 | 29 | reignofcrimson: TIFU by getting a blowjob from my wife
After a long day at work I come home and lay down to go to bed and my wife surprises me with an impromptu blowjob.
Awesome, so she starts going to work on me like its a Vivid video and im lovin every second of it.
So shes tracing the alphabet on my balls with her tongue as she jerks me off, I feel like im going to cum so I grab my dick to not cum in her hair or make a mess, but I grab it wrong and by the time I try adjusting im already cuming and I just end up aiming it at my face.
I tried to move but just ended up hitting the side of my face and my ear the wife looks up at me and im making an awkward face covered in my own cum.
On the bright side she said I tasted good.
TL; DR Come home to an amazing blowjob from the wife and POW! Right in my own kisser.
RedTango1: What was her reaction?
reignofcrimson: She laughed and was amazed at the distance because it hit the wall above my head
fireisveryfun: *pew*
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1403076802 | 1403152967 | t3_28fxz7 | t5_2to41 | 68 | valleyfever: TIFU by telling my boyfriend it was a good idea to put a pot of boiling oil on a glass table.
This happened 3 days ago, but we are just realizing how bad it actually was. 3 days ago my boyfriend and I were deep frying food for the first time. For some reason the house got incredibly smoky and burned to see, so we opened windows to air it out. This didn't work, and to keep it nice before his mom got home we decided to bring the pot of oil outside and fry out there since it would still be hot.
Well, we agreed that was a good idea and he put the 350+ degree pot onto a large glass patio table. Nothing happened so he went inside to grab a platter. The second the platter touched the table, it shattered. This sent glass in all directions and dumped the entire pot of oil, along with the shattered glass, onto his bare feet.
I panicked, grabbed paper towels to wipe him off and gave him ice. His feet were in a lot of pain but there were no blisters so we opted for some in-home care. Three days later and his foot looks like a fucking loaf of marbled rye bread with multicolored blisters. Needless to say we visited a doctor today.
To make it even worse, my first instinct during the panic was to clean up the glass as quickly as possible with my bare hands. Bad idea, would not recommend.
TL;DR: boyfriend put pot of boiling oil on glass table, it shattered, burning ensued.
AngelOfDoom: This is known as **thermal shock**. Basically, it occurs when you place an object that is much hotter or colder on another object, causing a part of the second object to either expand or contract. For flexible objects like aluminum pans, the result is just warping. For rigid, brittle objects like glass patio tables, the result is a buildup of strain energy, creating what is effectively a bomb.
When a shock (placing the platter on the table) is applied to the strained, rigid object, the pulse of kinetic energy causes the thermal strain energy to briefly exceed the failure stress of the object, resulting in a catastrophic failure. Due to all the strain energy stored in the system, the shards can go flying in all directions.
Be glad none of the shards ended up embedded in your boyfriend's hands, body, or worse yet, eyes.
Also, never place an ice-cold cut-glass punch bowl in hot water to wash it. And never wash a glass oven front with cold water shortly after it has been used.
pixelated_fun: >Also, never place an ice-cold cut-glass punch bowl in hot water to wash it.
I learned this the heard way trying to make iced tea. Glass everywhere.
RedTango1: Also never put a plastic pan in an oven.
securicorscares: And don't touch the burner when it's red.
davricle: And don't put metal in the science oven.
callanrocks: Do put metal in the science oven its awesome.
| 7 | 9.714286 | |
1403077849 | 1403085716 | t3_28fyvb | t5_2to41 | 1 | tifu-throwaway: TIFU by jerking off before sleeping.
So I got high and played some fifa about an hour or two ago and came to my room, only to realize that I was horny. SO I got on my computer and go to sites like Omegle and shit to find a girl to help me out. So I try this for about 30-40 mins of just jerking to keep my dick hard until I gave up and resorted to porn. I AM HARD AS A FUCKING PIPE and finish within 3 mins of watching porn. The problem is, I FUCKING GAVE MYSELF A FACIAL. I jizzed on my own fucking face because I was laying down.. at 3:40 AM.. I can even wash my face off..... SO TIFU
TL;DR: Got high, played video games, and gave myself a facial.
Ingens_Testibus: That's disgusting man...fifa? Gross. When your balls drop, try some Madden. ;)
chronicvape: Exvellwnt derail
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1403078941 | 1403193771 | t3_28fzqw | t5_2to41 | 4 | HYPERHERPADERP_: TIFU by calling my teacher a bitch in the middle of class
I was in the computer room in my French class on Reddit (as you do) y'know just browsing, procrastinating etc. when my teacher took control of my friend's computer (who was also on reddit) and turned it off, I knew I was next, but yet still I carried on, how wrong I was to do so.
After about 1 minute she turned mine off, and I exclaimed rather loudly, "that bitch!" Unfortunately, she heard it, an well, let's say I won't have much free time over the next week or so
findit8500: I suggest a written and heartfelt apology. Your teacher doesn't deserve verbal abuse.
Phlack: Extra credit if the apology is written in French.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403076527 | 1403133591 | t3_28fxog | t5_2to41 | 20 | pickjenna: TIFU by watching Orange is the New Black
So I'm an upcoming junior in college, and I worked really hard to get a summer internship in television production in Los Angeles (I'm from Alabama). I've been working at the internship for about 3 weeks now, and it's been going great. Every day at lunch, I watch an episode of something on Netflix (usually One Tree Hill or something mindless). Well, since just started watching the new season of Orange is the New Black, I decided I'd watch an episode at work. My desk is partially hidden by a wall and a barrier to my other side. The episode was pretty good, and I was mindlessly watching/texting/Facebooking on my phone at the same time. All the sudden, a raging lesbian sex scene came on, and I went to my keyboard to turn the brightness down. As I was doing this, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Startled, I turned around to see my boss standing there. He asked me, pretty loudly, if I was watching porn. I saw others in the office turn to look at me upon hearing this.
My face grew bright red, and I just stammered nonsense. My boss probably thought I was turning the brightness down because I heard him come up behind me and I didn't want him to see that I was watching porn. He left, and when he later came back I tried explaining that I was just watching Orange is the New Black, but he just seemed uncomfortable. Later, I heard him whispering to the secretary about it, and now he probably thinks I'm into freaky lesbian porn. And that I can't contain myself at work. So ready for the rest of this summer; my boss isn't going to look at me the same way ever again.
tl;dr I watched Orange is the New Black at work; boss thought it was porn.
esearcher: I'm sure you can find a recap of the episode online, print one out and keep it in case it ever comes up again. I don't know if he'll take the time to read the recap, but if he does, then it might clear up the whole porn thing.
FuckinUpMyZoom: just because something isn't porn, doesn't mean you're allowed to watch a lesbian scene at work.
she's probably gonna be let go, thats extremely inappropriate.
esearcher: The point was showing that it wasn't intentional and came up in the context of an episode of a non-porn show. Sure she might be let go, but it's still worth it to make her case ahead of time.
| 4 | 5 | |
1403080949 | 1403169330 | t3_28g1am | t5_2to41 | 144 | Catherinekeeley: TIFU by kissing my boyfriend
I work until 7-8 AM , then drive half an hour home. Every morning I kiss my boyfriend and then crawl into bed. We have a puppy so sometimes he gets in your face.
Well, I leaned into kiss my boyfriend, and as soon as I touched his face he slammed his fist into my eye socket because he thought I was our dog. He woke up to me cry laughing looked at me, then fell back asleep. I now have a black eye.
He didn't remember when I asked later.
Matt2310: your boyfriends probly gonna donkey punch and then murder you someday.
id get a new boyfriend lol
Catherinekeeley: Nah. I like him. He buys me stuff and gives me orgasms.
Heisenbergdies: What dog is it? Picture please.
Catherinekeeley: http://imgur.com/KKMtf47
Sivalion: What race is he/she?
Catherinekeeley: My dog? He's pitbull lab.
Sivalion: No, I meant your boyfriend!
He's super cute though, I only ask because I'm looking for a pup of my own ;)
Catherinekeeley: Boyfriends a ginger. Haha.
And he's a good doggy. And cute.
Sivalion: > And he's a good doggy. And cute.
I'm lost, we talking about your dog or boyfriend?
Catherinekeeley: Dog. The boyfriend is a ginger and cute too haha
| 11 | 13.090909 | |
1403081795 | 1403104979 | t3_28g1y6 | t5_2to41 | 13 | honestlyopen: TIFU by not submitting my coursework on time, thus failing my course.
I, for some unknown magical reason, thought my coursework was due on the 30th. It was due on the 13th. It was the only coursework for the class, so I failed the class and have to resit it. I didn't realize I had messed up until I went to class yesterday and the professor said he was grading the coursework.
I cannot believe how unbelievably stupid I am. I wonder how I made it this far in life without suffocating from forgetting to breathe.
v_v
findit8500: Go talk to your professor. Explain your error. You are not the first one. I missed my final and final project deadline. Went to my professor. He gave me an incomplete. He allowed me to take the final the next semester but allowed me to make no better than a C. This was a great wakeup call for me. My professor told me that i must not have attended class if i messed up like this. I assured him that once he saw who i was he would know that i had attended (I called him the second I discovered my mistake).
honestlyopen: Thanks. I already talked to him, and I will be able to resit with a max grade of 50 (school rules). He was understanding. I am glad I am not the only one who has made this kind of mistake though.
I felt like a real ass.
Agent_545: Isn't 50 a failing grade?
i_pk_pjers_i: no
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1403083024 | 1403128938 | t3_28g2vo | t5_2to41 | 14 | ziggzagg8: TIFU By killing my brothers weed plant
So i was gonna resoil some cannabis plants my brother have been growing and i must have damaged something because it became all lifeless afterwards , tried to sorta fix it, stem snapped its all fucked now, im silently freaking out and my brother is waking up soon and how the fuck will explain i this
dunnysmell: It's not too late!
Go put some water in a bucket and add some sugar, I don't know how much I'd say two should do, then gently place Mary Jane's stem in there.
I wish you all the best.
jahdropping: Two whole sugars??
dunnysmell: No. Four half sugars!
Malamutewhisperer: I just want to be sure we're all talking metric sugars here...
dunnysmell: Haha yes! Eclectic metric.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1403078253 | 1403107321 | t3_28fz6m | t5_2to41 | 29 | BatmanOnHisDayOff: TIFU by doing 'it' in the shower.
It was all good, I have a big shower so there was room for both of us. It was our first time in the shower but I had some idea what to do, how she should position herself etc. . Then it all went wrong, the lube came out. Only a matter of minutes after the lube I attempt an ambitious maneuver and, courtesy of said lubricant, I slip, fall badly and dislocate my shoulder.
eklone: Did you have to explain that to the Doctor who helped you out? How was that received??
BatmanOnHisDayOff: I told him to avoid future confusion, he chuckled a little then told me I couldn't play squash for a while :( shower sex isn't worth the risk
Prospekt01: Neither of us have ever fell in the shower surprisingly, many close calls though. Sometimes its better to just wait till you're done and finish in the bedroom.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1403088355 | 1403191859 | t3_28g7d9 | t5_2to41 | 100 | Incineration_: TIFU by having a wet dream (NSFW)
(my first reddit post)
well last night me and my Girlfriend went to bed and she is wrapped around me with her thigh over my penis, well i wake up with her poking me i look down to find i had a wet dream and it was blasted up her thigh, her facial expression was what the fuck dude.we both jumped in the shower to clean off and then quickly changed the sheets i was so embarrassed about this happening but fortunately no one else was home.
[deleted]: Is it considered normal to have a wet dream or is it like shitting myself?
KIMJ0NGTRILL: are you kidding? its so normal, everyone does it. this guys girlfriend shouldnt be mad, i can see why itd be embarassing if theyd just met, but if shes your girlfriend thats ridiculous
[deleted]: I'm 28 and I've never had one :(
[deleted]: You can't have a wet dream if you masturbate at least once a day.
[deleted]: These days I'm usually having sex with so, but I've gone extended periods without masturbating before many times, I think it's just not something that my body really does
[deleted]: Everyone does it, but some people (like yourself) might take way longer.
| 7 | 14.285714 | |
1403090017 | 1403108622 | t3_28g8x4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | mylifesucksthrowaway: TIFU by not being able to do an exam to go to college
long story short, i've finished high school in 2010, and i was in college for 2 years until i noticed that i didn't fit in and that wasn't my "thing". obviously, my parents weren't very happy with that, but still, i took a year of, to work. and now, i was supposed to take an exam again to be able to apply to college (something that they demanded, they told me to at least do it for them, and not disappoint them), but, being the lazy, stupid fuck i am, i waited to long, and couldn't sign in to do the exam, and now, i'm stuck in another year without going to college, and disappointing them yet again.
i'm on an all time low, my head feels heavy, i've lost all motivation and i don't know what to do, or what and how to tell them
stinkfisty: Just tell them that you made a mistake. Use this year to figure out what you want to do with your life/career and pursue that. Explore different fields by doing some of your own schooling on the subject. If you go to college just to please someone and get a degree, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. You have to WANT to be there.
mylifesucksthrowaway: yeah, you're right, but in my country it's hard to get a decent paying job by only having high school completed, sometimes it's hard finding a job even with college degree
stinkfisty: I hear ya. I think it would just be harder if you got a degree in something you hate/marginally enjoy.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403085164 | 1403149460 | t3_28g4l0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | PapayaThePanda: TIFU by wanting minty breath
Ok so this happened when I was 9 but whatever. So I'm in my friends bedroom, and we're just hanging out and playing video games and stuff, when I notice a green box on his desk. As I take a closer look, I find out that it's Listerine Breath Strips. At my young age, I haven't seen these before. For those of you who don't know what these are, they're basically thin strips that you put on your tongue and it makes your breath really minty. I asked my friend what they were, and he told me they were mint candies and I could have as much as I desired. Being the candy obsessed kid I was, I immediately grabbed the box and took one out, but to my disappointment each one was really small. Unsatisfied, I took out the every single one, which was around ten, and popped them in my mouth.
For a brief moment, I felt nothing. But suddenly, minty flavor exploded in my mouth. The combined mint of 10 strips burned my tongue with no relent. I shrieked an unintelligible screech, and my friend noticed my pain and my empty breath strip box. Tears began to flow as I stuck my hands in my mouth to take the torture devices out of mouth, but breath strips MELT. As I writhed in pain on the floor, my friend recommended I drink some water to soothe it. In a mindless frenzy, I raced to his bathroom and turned the faucet to COLD. I began to gurgle water, but I forgot one fact. Cold water intensifies mint. I became a fountain, as water streamed from my mouth onto his mirror. Finally, after a few minutes of torment, the pain wore off, and I gargled warm water. Needless to say, it was enough mint to last a lifetime.
TL:DR Consumed 10 Listerine breath strips, drank cold water, and experienced traumatic pain
numberthangold: As someone who both finds mint disgusting and whose tongue burns at the slightest touch of mint (including toothpaste), this was painful to read.
ramones365: Do you use flavored toothpaste?
numberthangold: I just use mint. Twice a day I have to suffer.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1403093197 | 1403126828 | t3_28gbx3 | t5_2to41 | 77 | MoistPrawn: TIFU by not using the "Safely Remove Hardware" feature
Today was my final exam, Business, all about China and how businesses operate, etc.
Because I have the handwriting of a 6 year old on meth, I was given a computer to use for the exam, which is great, No pressure for time, I can type so much faster, so get a lot more work done.
As you can imagine these computers are restricted to the bare minimum, there is a word processor with 0 features, there is the ability to write, no spell check, no color, no font selection, nothing.
Anyway, to submit the exam we have to save the work onto a Flash drive, and yeah, I did that and when the exam was finished I took it to the exam office to be printed and sent, and this is where I fucked up.
I didn't eject the device 'safely' so was greeted with a lovely corrupted file...
2 Hour exam, wasted. Have to re-sit now.
TL;DR - Wrote an entire exam paper, only to have it corrupted.
Eject flash drives safely if important data is on them!
Vysari: IT Tech here!
Windows sometimes makes use of something called Delayed Writing. If it does this on a removable device and you remove it before it's done committing the changes then it will be corrupt. The safely remove hardware feature will make sure any delayed writes are finished before it prompts you to remove the device.
All_the_white_people: My 32gb cruizer doesn't give me the option to safely remove. The computer just recognizes it as another harddrive. Is it possible to make it safe?
redoverture: It's already safe. If it is treated as a hard drive, there is no 'Delayed Write' feature. That's only for removable flash memory. Just wait for the light to stop blinking before removing it.
All_the_white_people: thanks
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1403097703 | 1403177701 | t3_28ghel | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by (not) fucking a milf
So, this was yesterday. I'm still in shock.
I freaking love older woman (I'm 24 and the woman i met was 38). I met her in a store. We started talking, and after a few minutes, she invited me to her house. So we went there, and we just talked on the couch. She was wearing a black dress and high heels (rawr!). She was touching my legs when she spoke to me and she kept smiling. At a certain point we were just looking at each other and i went in for a kiss and...... i scored.
His Dudeness went from soft to rock hard in a split second. Her boobs were fricking awesome! And so was here body too. We started undressing each other and touching, you know the drill. I'm starting to eat her out and His Dudeness is still alive and kicking. She starts sucking His Dudeness and he's liking it!
Time for some other action. So we started with doggy. After a few seconds i noticed something... And i looked at His Dudeness and i was like: 'What the fuck dude, what are you doing?' and he was like: 'C'mon man, what am i supposed to do here?'.
So, I'm staring down in utter disbelief trying to make him work again. She's looking back at me and started laughing. That didn't help. I stepped back to sit in a chair (i think that was my plan), slipped over her bra, hit my head on the chair and bruised my ankle.
Great success.
TLDL: i had a chance fucking a milf, my penis wasn't in the mood.
Qqboxing: Haha That sucks man happens to the best of us
Paran0ix: On the upside, it's not the only thing that sucked!
Qqboxing: AAHHHHHHYYYOOOOOOOOOO
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403098065 | 1403100428 | t3_28ghwn | t5_2to41 | 9 | Towboat2013: Tifu by eating Flamin Hot Cheetos... [NSFW]
[deleted]: What is it with people on reddit and not being able to control their bowels?
And your TLDR is incorrect, there was no jalapeno involved in the story.
Towboat2013: I understand that but that is what it felt like I got fucked by a jalapeño.
woodsie1995: But how would you know what it felt like unless you are..... MEXICAN?!
Towboat2013: I work/live with Mexicans. I figure that's close enough.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1403097937 | 1403116901 | t3_28ghqm | t5_2to41 | 316 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my brother to star in a porno with me [NSFW]
Last night I was enjoying dinner with my family and some close friends. (My mom, brother, and brother's friend were all a little tipsy.) I started texting one of my friends while they were chatting about movies or something you know, not really paying much attention. My brother says something to the effect of, "[his gf] and I are going to watch a movie". Then he leans over and whispers loudly in my ear "We're not going to watch a movie," Which prompts his friend to say "They're going to make one, a naked one!" Not thinking, and wanting to be part of the conversation, I yell out "CAN I JOIN?" Everyone stared at me, my boyfriend was sitting across from me and just laughed, I still hadn't realized what I'd said until my brother goes, "That is the most disgusting thing you could've said." Needless to say I then realized what had happened and my face turned as red as a tomato for the rest of dinner.
Lehk: /r/incest
srirachaeverythin: /r/wincest
iWannaFmyDad: Go on.
zotomoto: /r/asshole
Girdon_Freeman: He didn't say go in.
| 6 | 52.666667 | |
1403099667 | 1403103175 | t3_28gk59 | t5_2to41 | 13 | reformedlurker7: TIFU by pissing all over myself
(This turned out much longer than it needed to be, but hope you all enjoy)
I was at a BBQ at this dude's house that I'd never been to before. Loads of girls I've never met before. I go to the downstairs toilet and start pissing. I look around at the pictures on the wall. I notice a photo of his parents at the top of some mountain in Africa or something. Like wow that is pretty impressive.
Then I realise I haven't heard my piss hitting the water for a good couple of seconds. I look down and it's just *soaking* into my shorts. I freak out and correct myself. Now, I can't exaggerate how bad this stain was. It went from the very top of the shorts to the very bottom, about 3 inches wide all the way down. Couldn't be more obvious if I actually did piss my pants.
I tear off the shorts and run them under hot water, thinking that would fix it somehow. Start patting it down with toilet paper, my hands everything. I'm just making it worse. I should also add that I'm anosmic (I can't smell anything) so I can't tell how bad it smells, but even I know I must absolutely REEK of piss.
I need to find a proper towel and some deodorant, so I sneak out of the downstairs toilet and make a dash upstairs. Keep in mind that I've never been to his house before so I have no idea where anything is. I sneak around & find the bathroom. I hear someone walking up the stairs behind me. Fucking *throw* myself into the bathroom and shut the door. No lock. What the fuck. Fuuuuck. I hold the door while someone tries to get in. It's a girl - she asks if someone's in there. For some reason, genius me just stays dead silent. Eventually she gives up and walks away.
Start scrubbing with a towel but the huge piss patch is still clearly there. *How is there NO deodorant in this bathroom?!* I start sneaking into bedrooms now. Finally find some Lynx in the 13yo brother's room. I spray on my crotch for 20 seconds straight then go back to the downstairs toilet to hide for a few more minutes. I go back outside and head straight for the swingy chair thing in the sun and hope to god that no one can smell the piss.
TL;DR: Go to a BBQ full of cute girls. Piss all over my shorts and raid my friend's house Mission Impossible style for deodorant. Spent rest of the day terrified that these strangers would smell my piss.
On the plus side, I'll probably never see them again :):
iGottadropaduce: Who needs girls anyway? Am I right?!
mythrowawayresponse: **nice try Fleshlight marketing...**
iGottadropaduce: You caught me...
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1403093240 | 1403102219 | t3_28gbz3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | ffence: TIFU by corrupting a SD card that had important images and video
Today, my dad asked me if I could record a function that was quite important to my family. He asked me to do it because I'm pretty good at photography/videography and I have a good DSLR to do it with. I said 'Sure! Why not?' as I was free and didn't have much to do.
The recording went fine and after the function was over, I connected the SD card to my computer and everything was fine. I copied and pasted the files on my desktop and before even one file was transferred, the SD card somehow disconnected itself. The copy process stopped and it said that it couldn't find the file any more. So I connected the card again and then windows asked me if I wanted to scan and fix the card. This is where IFU. I never click on scan and fix but this time, I don't know why but my hand urged me to do it. After it was done I went back into the card using windows explorer and then the folder the files were in had turned into a 'file' type. It can't be opened and it has shrunk to 32.0 kB. It was probably around a gig before the corruption. I've tried recuva and all other types of recovery software but nothing works.
God, I wish I could get them back.
TL;DR: Dad asked me to record an important function, did it, connected to the computer and clicked 'Scan and fix' by mistake. Now, the folder that the files were in isn't a folder. Windows says its a 'file' type.
EDIT: added TLDR
ATAT_Driver: Type ".(file type)" at the end of the file name, and it may restore the file. So, if it's "1234" change it to "1234.mpeg" if it is an mpeg file, for example. Hope you fix it!
Edit: fixed a typo.
pleasedontknowme30: yea it will turn it into a 32kb 1234.mpeg file
| 3 | 2 | |
1403102406 | 1403133573 | t3_28go71 | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently looking up furry porn at work
Mere moments ago. I wanted to send my friend a pic of Kim Jong Il from Team America going herrrooo. I clicked on images without realizing google had corrected to herrrooo to herroroo. Evidently this is the handle of a furry porn artist as I got a look at the first two images before closing the browser. The first was some sort of portrait I think. The second was a very well endowed cat thing, cheetah?, spread eagle for all my office to see.
I work for the government and I know all our traffic is monitored. IT hasn't sold me out for redditing, so hopefully they'll be cool about this too. I thankfully work out of a satellite office. And google, I did not mean to look up furry porn. Fuck you.
mythrowawayresponse: Furry Porn ... yum - certainly not for everyone - certainly for me.
You'd probably only get reported if you decide to make it a habit. In the end the reports come out due to statistics inherent to policy abuse.
Also you know you are in the deep when you start getting blocked and then eventually written up...
throwawayaccountsix: I'm pretty sure its illegal in my country, but idk where op is, so its probably no big deal.
mythrowawayresponse: Which one is illegal?
1. Furry Porn (not the same as bestiality aka sex with "real" animals)
2. Network Monitoring (I know some european laws have strict privacy laws)
throwawayaccountsix: The first one. I'm from Canada, so idk if the laws are different, but I've always thought it was illegal here. Either way I'm not really a big fan, but our laws are kinda weird IIRC.
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1403105563 | 1403554913 | t3_28gtbr | t5_2to41 | 269 | [deleted]: TIFU by sitting on a penny
It was really hot out today, like, a hundred degrees hot. Thus, being a girl I opted to wear a sundress. I went to get into my car, and when I sat down I was met with the most intense, searing, burning pain in one spot–right in between my leg and my butt. I quickly realized that I sat on a penny that had been sitting in the sun, which was now approximately hot enough to burn through human flesh. Literally. It stuck to my skin for a second before I was able to realize what was going on and remove it.
I didn't get to see the damage until I got home from a hair appointment, all through which I sat through trying not to cry from the pain. You guys, it's bad. Like, legit second degree burn bad. It hurts to sit on that side, and to even walk. Lesson learned!
mythrowawayresponse: **HEADS OR TAILS?** inquiring minds want to know...
RedTango1: It'd be pretty funny if she now had a permanent Lincoln imprinted on her cheek.
mythrowawayresponse: ... and it'd make it easier to identify her on /r/gonewild ;p
Exploding_Knives: Oh yes, because of the plethora of naked women with penny burns on the backs of their upper thighs.
OP, what year was the penny? I won't be able to tell you apart without that info. /s
mythrowawayresponse: [**apparently a lot more common than you may think...**](http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=6d1_1248226877)
For all we know OP could be 21-year-old Valerie Artigas mentioned in the article and video...
[Screenshot of said penny burn here](http://i.imgur.com/H0sN9xK.png)
Yearofthevulpix: Valerie here! I nannied for a family who worked for a local news station, and when they asked to do a story on my burn I thought "hey, it's not like anyone will ever see it, right?"
The. Jimmy Fallon made a joke about me. ("So, an Arizona woman claims to have gotten third degree burns from sitting on a hot penny in her car. Now all she has to do is sit on a quarter, nickel, and dime, and she'll have the first ever Mt. Tushmore!") And five years later it's still the first thing that comes up when you google my name...
mythrowawayresponse: Hi Valerie - always fun to see how things haunt netizens... for better or worse.
Have you made anything from your misfortune? I'd imagine perhaps a 'tushmore' tattoo or what not... maybe a date with 'never forget' laurels embellishing it... or are you on the other side of the spectrum where you just want it to disappear and not be remembered?
| 8 | 33.625 | |
1403106972 | 1403121222 | t3_28gvmg | t5_2to41 | 365 | [deleted]: TIFU by not locking the front door
So my mom took my son (6mos) out with her friend, who is this older woman I consider to be my grandma, with her grandchildren who are 11 and 13. My boyfriend went out to the grocery store for food for our "sexy lunch date." We don't get to have sex much anymore. I checked the mail and I had received my new...toy.. giant vibrator with a double penetration attachment... I was so excited to use it. At this point I'm like, fuck lunch. Literally, let's just fuck for lunch. I put the laptop on some rather loud kinky porn. I put on my cute little lingerie and start to go to town with my new toy while awaiting the arrival of my man. Meanwhile, I forgot to lock or even close the door all the way possibly due to my excitement of the package I was about to unleash on my vagina. I hear the door open and I yell "Babe it's finally here, get in here!!" Bedroom door wide open. I look over to see two boys' mouths open with their grandmother about to rip their neck off by their collar. My mom comes in last with my son. She wanted to show them my new apartment, she had texted me and told me she was on her way, which is the perfect time to leave my phone on silent. So now I remove this device and cover up, pause the porn, and just melt into embarrassment.
No sex. Just ate my sorrows away while he had a fap in the shower.
The worst part was my mom later asked me where I got my toy from, how much it was, and if it plugged in.
Mom.
No.
Tl;dr everyone saw my vagina.
asharkey3: Oh don't worry kids, I'm just
http://i.imgur.com/4ekbCEq.jpg
Tht1gy: I don't know.
asharkey3: "sitting here masturbating"
Tht1gy: Yeeeaaaahhhh........
asharkey3: ....OK?
lol I don't know what you're trying to say here.
Tht1gy: Just yeah.
http://i.imgur.com/BSgiGyZ.jpg
| 7 | 52.142857 | |
1403108124 | 1403110555 | t3_28gxik | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunk texting my future boss
So this was on Saturday, it just took me this long to stop being completely embarrassed by my own stupidity.
Saturday was my birthday, and in true birthday fashion, I proceeded to get absolutely wasted with a group of my friends. After we closed down the bar, a friend was driving the boyfriend and I home when he gets a call from one of our mutual friends. She was hanging out at our local bar and wanted to buy me a birthday shot. Awesome. We went.
Here's where the fuck up happens. I don't have this girl's phone number. We decide to remedy that situation. I give her my number, she calls it. I go into my phone, and save my last missed call as her. I then proceed to text her the kissyface emoji.
Fast forward to the next day, post-hangover. I have a new voicemail...from the friend who's number I got the night before. Weird. I listen to it. "Hi, this is [manager] from [place I'm applying to transfer to]..."
Ah, shit. My friend's call didn't last long enough for my phone to register it. So I accidentally saved my last missed call (the manager) as my friend and texted her an awkward emoji at 2:30 in the morning.
She hasn't returned any of my calls yet.
TL;DR Got drunk. Texted awkward emoji to prospective manager at 2:30 AM. Haven't heard from her since.
Voyager5555: "My friend's call didn't last long enough for my phone to register it."
I...don't believe this, if a connection is made the phone logs the call, or at least every phone I've had for the last 15 years has.
kellythebearcat: My bad. Rephrase. It didn't connect. She hit dial, and then hung up almost immediately.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403107893 | 1403115184 | t3_28gx4k | t5_2to41 | 10 | pissaway117: TIFU by pissing myself at a shopping mall
So I was shopping for clothes, as you do, and suddenly felt a slight urge to pee. I usually have a very resilient bladder and can hold urges to pee for a very long time, so I ignored it and continued browsing.
Huge pile of clothes in arm, I walk into the luxurious carpeted dressing rooms at a high end clothing store. I lock the door and begin to undress when suddenly... oh FUCK. I REALLY NEED TO PEE. NOW. Panicking, I try to put my clothes back on as fast as possible but my tight jeans just wont come on fast enough. I'm fucked. I try to stand as still as possible and strain my bladder to hold the pee in but nope, right there and then I unload my full tank straight down my legs, all over my jeans and in my shoes. The entire carpet in the cubicle is soaked, everything reeks.
I walked the fuck out of there, as not to seem suspicious, avoiding all contact with the store assistant. As I'm walking out of the shop I hear horrified gasps. I got in my car and drove home (sitting on multiple plastic bags), crying and writhing with embarrassment the entire way back and the entire two hours spent in the shower.
Don't ignore your bladder, guys.
rwfforever: So it went from containable to pissing your pants bad in like 20 seconds? How's that work?
pissaway117: Bad judgement of just how badly I needed to pee, I think. Not entirely sure, if I knew I wouldn't have been in that situation lol. Also it wasn't 20 seconds, it was more like 10 minutes.
rwfforever: Weird. But never misjudged before? Could you not stop once you started?
pissaway117: Well it hasn't happened in a few years but as a kid and teenager I had problems peeing myself whilst laughing occasionally. I seem to have rare moments when I just can't control myself.
edit: Very rare moments. I definitely think it's a poor judgement thing rather than a bladder issue, I always leave it until I really need to go.
rwfforever: That sucks :( just always be near a bathroom Hahaah
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1403108499 | 1403145522 | t3_28gy4v | t5_2to41 | 6,498 | specialize_in_this: TIFU by sleeping over my girlfriends house
So last night my girlfriend was going to be home alone. She asked if I wanted to sleep over so I said fuck yeah! I'm not allowed to sleep over her house EVER. So I was super excited. I slept over and fell asleep. Her parents aren't supposed to come home till around noon so we figured it's perfect since my girlfriend has to be at work by 9am. Well my friends, her dad came home! Now I am currently stuck in her room trying to be as quite as possible. My girlfriend left to work already and I have work in less than 3 hours. I can't sneak out because her bedroom is upstairs and he is downstairs working on shit on the computer. I will update you guys as soon as I'm out of here. Hopefully it's soon
Edit: I've been stuck for over an hour now. No signs of him leaving. My back is starting to cramp up from not moving. Less than 2 hours until I have to be at work
Edit 2: since so many of you keep telling me to jump out the window. I was considering it but realistically there is no way I could go through the whole thing without making a lot of noise. http://imgur.com/G59DaVB
the layout of the house is pretty much the same as the one across. I would the window on the second floor is what we are looking at. I'm starting to consider calling work saying I might be late but I'm going to wait a little more. Less than 1.5 hrs till work
Final update: FRONT PAGE!? thanks everyone!
Damn.. a lot of you guys really wanted me to get caught. Thanks for all the suggestions and advice! I ended up waiting It out. The dad ended up taking a shower and I thought that would have been my chance but I started to think about how I sometimes leave the water running to warm up before jumping in. I didnt want to die today so I waited again. Finally he left just on time for me to run home and leave for work. but seriously? You guys wanted me to kill him, tie myself up and pretend to be kidnapped, someone suggested making out with the mother? Idk how that would help. I didnt do no ninja jump off the second story. If he hadn't left by a certain time, I would have been ready to take u/PierceTheProper advice and done the whole pizza deal. Lucky for me I didn't have to take things to that level. Thanks everyone!
Corperatefrog: I had a very similar situation when I was a senior in highschool dating a freshman, or a soophmore can't really remember. All i do remember id that her dad had sat us down weeks before and explicitly condemned us from having sex (we had just been snitched on by her younger sister)...and after he pulled me off to the side and said he would kill me. So anyway she promised me they wouldn't be home until whatever time of night and sure enough we are in her bed and i remember blam, headlights on the wall and the car rolling up. I looked at her in horror and jumped into the closet, after assessing the damage i would cause to myself jumping out the window. So I'm in the closet and i shit you not i can see out this little c slit in the side, and i remember her taking her shirt off to get ready for bed and being like fuck shes hot i wish i was banging her....but anyway she gets into bed and her dad comes into say goodnight, and i'm int he closet dieing. This next part everyone will think i'm lieing but the dog came in and starting sniffing around the closet. I thought he would hear my heart beating. So he leaves, thank god, and we freak out for 10 minutes. Then her little sister comes to the rescue out of nowhere and goes downstairs and starts frieking out and brings them into the back room so i can jet down the stairs and out the front door and run to my car. It was fucking crazy, and awesome. Sorry for run on sentences and grammar, I don;t really care.
JubilantJake: You fucked a freshman as a senior..? Crib robber lol
shinydragonite: By the time you're a senior everyone knows what a douche you are, so you gotta get the freshman girls before they figure it out.
JubilantJake: Usually a senior in high school is 17-18 and a freshman is anywhere between 13-14. You MUST be a douche to bang someone that young at that age. Honestly the guy is lucky the dad didn't beat his ass
Gardengnomebbq: Not saying it's much of a difference, but iirc, freshman are usually 14-15.
JubilantJake: Yeah didn't realize that, but I couldn't imagine being with someone that young at 18
[deleted]: 2-3 year difference? Damn dude, my dad fought in a world war and was sniffing crack and downing liquor before my mom was *born*.
brobroma: Age differences don't matter as much once you're an adult. In high school however? Even a two-year difference can be "scandalous"
JubilantJake: Well being 18 you are almost done being a teenager. A freshman is just becoming a teenager so I just couldn't justify being with someone that young at that age. Now when we talk adults? Who cares. But at such a young age it is a bit unjustified
mynameisnotskrillex: I(m) lost my virginity as a 14 year old to a 19 year old senior(f). best thing ever.
ThellraAK: Fuck yes, this, she knew how to fuck like a pro, and the head, oh the head...
Fucked up thing is, I'm married for a couple of years now, and from time to time I get stuck taking the bus (we only have 1 car) and I always run into her, and she is definitely still carrying a torch...
My Wife has an ex clause in our open relationship policy though :(
| 12 | 541.5 | |
1403108284 | 1403284417 | t3_28gxqt | t5_2to41 | 4 | TheRadicalSloth: TIFU by jerking off on my keyboard
Backstory, I'm a teenage male who's home for the summer with nothing to do.
Usually, at least one or more members of family are at home, and because they are, I can't really indulge my , err masturbatory tendencies in peace.
But today was a day the gods shone on me. And also shat on me.
So this afternoon, everyone left one by one and I was home alone for quite a while.
I took a nap and when I woke up I realized I could show my wankstick a glorious day out.
So I'm going hard at it in front of my laptop, furiously choking the chicken.
I feel the reward coming, but I decide to stretch it out for a bit.
This bit turned into quite a while and when the little soldiers finally flew free, where else did they land but all over my laptop. Believe me, I wasn't aiming for the screen, but I guess my stick got a little too enthusiastic.
So I cleaned up the screen and the keyboard and started surfing the net a while later, when I noticed the 'o' key wasn't working. It just wasn't working.
I tried everything, cleaning around it, restarting the computer, but nope, no change.
I had to tell my family I spilled juice over it, and even then I got some fishy looks from them.
I'm typing this from my phone, because my laptop is pretty much useless now.
TL;DR: Came all over my laptop due to an overly excited dick and now the keyboard is fucked.
mythrowawayresponse: ah you need a [**keyboard condom...**](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=keyboard%20condom) designed just for this reason.
TheRadicalSloth: Dayum, sh0ulda th0ught 0f this!
Y0u can pr0bably guess why i'm using zer0s ....
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403109497 | 1403126103 | t3_28gzrk | t5_2to41 | 84 | hearip88: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend
My girlfriend had an awful day at work and I decided I'd be the super girlfriend and have an amazing dinner waiting for her when she got home.
One of her favorite foods is bacon wrapped jalapeño poppers on the grill, so I got to work preparing them. I cut them up and made the filling and hand picked some of the seeds out of the guts to throw in the filling. I finished them up and got to work on the stuffing for the chicken.
I had an itch in my eye, so not thinking, I stuck my finger directly in my eye to rub it. Holy shit, jalapeño on my fingers, eye burns like a fucker, wash it out, it's swollen and red. I wash my hands again and but end up forgetting about it.
Fast forward to later that evening, after we've consumed our lovely dinner and we're in bed, the mood strikes me for some sexy time. I start kissing her and move my hands down to her nether region and slide my fingers inside.
She's really into it and then, suddenly, she kicks me off of her and runs screaming to the bathroom. She jumps in the shower, crying hysterically saying her vagina in on fire and what did I do to her. Suddenly, I remember the jalapeño juice all over my fingers and realized I just shoved that inside her. I feel like the worst girlfriend ever and she and her vagina are very angry at me.
pink_sharpie: Came here for hot lesbian story. Was not disappointed.
iGottadropaduce: That story was really "hot" if you know what I'm saying ;)
sameoldnigga: thank you, that *was* the pun
Go_Maroon2017: Quit feeling superior
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1403109327 | 1403122703 | t3_28gzh7 | t5_2to41 | 161 | Jobiwankenobi: TIFU by thinking I was a father.
TIFU so this actually happened a few days ago buy I just got into Reddit recently and this is my first post.
So after seeing 22 Jump Street with my girlfriend, we pulled in to our make out spot by the woods. Before doing our thing she stops me, and says she needs to talk about something serious. Be being oblivious to what was going on got serious real quick. She reached into her purse and pull out a pregnancy test, with a positive result clearing showing. I instantly flipped out, darted from my car, and called my parents right away ( I'm in HS so a baby is not good). Just as I finish telling my dad about the pregnancy test my girlfriend catches up to me, and tells me it was just a prank for Father's Day. (Kinda funny right?) So now not only does my dad know I'm having sex, but I'm constantly remind to be "safe" every time I leave the house.
molbionerd: I don't know why girls think this shit is funny.
ramones365: I'm gonna go ahead and say OP should dump her.
Jobiwankenobi: We do shit like this to each other all the time, she even told me she went to Spencer's earlier that week. I just didn't put two and two together.
molbionerd: Have you ever heard of "The Boy that Cried Wolf" or its lesser known sequel "The Girl that Cried Pregnant"? Maybe you should play a prank on her and say you got herpes and she should get checked? or that you got another girl pregnant? Or that you no longer ever want to talk to her?
Jobiwankenobi: We talked about it and she admitted it was too much! She wasn't trying to do it for attention or anything so I'm not upset.
i_go_to_uri: You should google what an STD test looks like, or shit just get one yourself, and re-fabricate it to make it look like a positive result for whatever disease you want! It'll make a good birthday present, or something.
| 7 | 23 | |
1403112361 | 1403117417 | t3_28h50x | t5_2to41 | 73 | tifubadly: TIFU by asking one of my best (girl) friends to ride me.
Hi reddit,
So I was texting this afternoon with one of my best girl friends and we were just texting about some regular stuff when we began to talk about horse riding. Then I suddenly came up with an idea to tease her(I usually play a prank on her every once in a while, she takes it easy and we have a lot of fun), so I asked her if she rides a lot. She said no, so I said "You could come ride me once in a while."
Then she replied awkwardly to me and now everything's just awkward. She usually does not react like that when I tease her but that was just too awkward and I definitely crossed the line.
TL;DR: Asked my friend to ride me sometime, now I can't talk to her anymore because it's just too awkward.
EDIT: I actually deleted the message from my phone, but translated into English it was something like, "Oh, haha. I'm not so sure what you mean by that?" Then a few minutes later. "You just crossed the line. Don't do that again."
mythrowawayresponse: > Then she replied awkwardly to me
**WAT?** - this whole FU hinges on her reply and you omitted it? FOR GOD's SAKE WHAT DID SHE RETORT?!!?!!
tifubadly: I actually deleted the message from my phone, but translated into English it was something like, "Oh, haha. I'm not so sure what you mean by that?" Then a few minutes later. "You just crossed the line. Don't do that again."
mythrowawayresponse: oh fuck - that is awkward...
tifubadly: Yeah, and worst part is that we had such a great conversation before that and I just wanted to indirectly joke her. Now it's just really, really awkward. Don't know what to do, can't text her.
kesuaus: It will be a lot more awkaward if you do not text her ... just write to her the explanation .. even linking her here wouldnt be as awkward as it will be if you avoid her
tifubadly: I actually just linked her this. Things are getting better. Slowly.
| 7 | 10.428571 | |
1403114265 | 1403118006 | t3_28h8cj | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping my phone in the toilet whilst having diarrhea (NSFW)
Voyager5555: "i was in the washroom having mad diarrhea...All of a sudden, I get horny and wanted to jack off."
The end of humanity can't come soon enough.
zna03: 100% agree. I want off.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1403114205 | 1403121734 | t3_28h88x | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By telling my friend, lets stay, your girlfriends here, and we can have a blast!
So, little backstory, me and my friend, we both have girlfriends, who are like, best friends like us, and after our last day of school they invite us over to their house to, 'celebrate' the end of the year, this is sorta where I fuck up.
So, were sitting there, having fun, girls in laps, watching movies, kissing, and some other things happen.
All of a sudden, I see my friend and his girl, getting it on. Like, **Really getting it on**. So, I respectively, leave the room.
After a few hours or so, of this happening, my friends girlfriend, was worried her dad was gonna come home early, so she told us to get out sooner or later. Fuck UP.
I tell my friend, we could probably stay 'till 5, or whenever he's supposed to be off work, so we stay.
So image this:
You a father of a young lady, who is still living in your house, on top of a guy, fulling french kissing, to find your daughters boyfriend underneath.
Yea, thats the image he had when he walked through the door, he also found a Asian guy, (Me,) and his girlfriend, quietly watching a movie... (Just had to throw that in, in comparison.)
He asked me and my girlfriend politely to leave.
Yelling happens. Crying.
Well, me and my girlfriend decide to leave and let them talk it out, so we walk home together to her house.
A few days later, I get a call from my friend,
"Dude, my God!"
"Yo', wassup?"
"Jesus Christ dude, you got me killed out there!"
"What? How is this my fault?"
"Dude, 'Stay here, it will be fine.'"
"Oh. Shit."
"Yea, now me and her, well, shes like grounded forever, and me, well, I was yelled at, and chased out of the house."
"GG!"
I hung up the phone, and laughed my ass off.
*I'm a huge dick.*
TL;DR
Always, listen to the lady, even if it pisses you off.
avocet77: wat
WritingIsforme: Made sense to me.
[deleted]: You. Wrote. It.
WritingIsforme: You read it.
[deleted]: Using a loose definition of read. That was not fully readable.
WritingIsforme: But did you understand, thats what im asking?
If not, I could easily re-write it.
You don't need to be, so...rude, about it, pointing out mistakes over the internet.
Really?
sameoldnigga: TIL OP is a pussy who can't handle criticism
...and deleted his post upon bad reception... and has an enbecoming username...
TL;DR OP is a phaggot
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1403115470 | 1403136343 | t3_28haf8 | t5_2to41 | 346 | frothissumbitchaway: [UPDATE]TIFU by logging onto my wife's facebook account.
I read every comment and personal message and thank everyone that gave their advice. I decided I would confront her about it after we put the kids down last night.
I decided I would start out by asking her the essential questions. Do you love me? Do you want to be with me right now? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? Then I would tell her that when we took our vows we said we would stick together through thick and thin, and that right now we are in some pretty thick shit. I would tell her that we both breached each other's trust and we both had some explaining to do. Then we would progress the conversation from there.
I have to add that since the OP and prior to the confrontation the conversations between the 2 of them continued to go on. He is a pathetic little prick that obviously does this with countless other women because it is easy and safe and he doesn't have to put himself out there and risk getting hurt. At one point he even told her he loved her. She replied by telling him that wasn't appropriate and that they were just friends and that was how it was going to be.
So this is pretty much how it went down: She said she loved me, wanted to be with me, and always wanted to be with me. She admitted that the things being said in the conversation were inappropriate and when I asked her why she did it she told me exactly what I knew she would: "It is really nice being told how pretty you are and getting that kind of attention." I asked if there was anyone else she was conversing with like that and she said no. I also asked if she had ever cheated on me with anyone physically and she said no. I told her I had been faithful since day 1 and I needed to know that she had been to. She assured me she was. The DB she was talking to had went to school with her for 1 year in high school and now lives in North Carolina. We are in Arkansas. I walked away from the situation feeling really good about it all and I could tell that she was sincere. We ended up making crazy love all over the house, doing it again before bed, and again when we woke up. She apologized and I told her I would get back to making her feel like a woman so she didn't have to seek that out somewhere else.
Say what you will but I think it ended as well as it possibly could have.
[deleted]: Don't trust her mate.
You seem like a sincere guy and hope it works out but take my advice. Where there is smoke there is fire.
unicornpeen: Being that needy for attention is a bad sign, I cosign _GB_'s post.
thegreatbunsenburner: I cosign /u/unicornpeen's cosign, only with a larger signature. Tread carefully, OP.
Could you give a little more detail about how she broke off her last engagement? There could be a couple of hidden red flags in that story.
Either way, you're married now, with kids, so I hope that everything works out for you.
frothissumbitchaway: It was in 2008. She was 20 at the time. We had dated roughly 3 months before she broke it off and "friend-zoned" me. It was the first time I had ever been FZ'ed by someone I had feelings for. I knew she was the one. She made me feel like no other girl ever had. And her personality had so many redeeming qualities that I had to have her.
The guy she was engaged to was super smothering and very insecure. He proposed to her on NYE in front of a lot of friend's and family and it made my wife feel like she had to say yes.
I was dating another girl at the time who was a really good chick. Had a lot going for me and treated me like a king. I broke it off with her the day before my now wife and I had agreed to meet up and talk about things. She wouldn't meet up with me unless I was single. She had broken it off with her fiance about 3 weeks prior.
thegreatbunsenburner: That definitely wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although it is a pretty close timeline.
Sorry to pry further (feel free not to answer): before she broke it off with her fiance, was she communicating or flirting with you?
| 6 | 57.666667 | |
1403115924 | 1403121452 | t3_28hbbn | t5_2to41 | 6 | Chrisgarrett_90: TIFU - Sea Cucumbers in Zoology Lab.
This past semester I was taking a Zoology class with a lab. Well on the day of the incident we were dissecting starfish and and sea cucumbers. As most people know the dissection specimen is store in a bucket filled with formaldehyde, a colorless and pungent smelling liquid. We were split into groups of two and sent to get our specimens out of the bucket. Well, I am a bit of a nerd and jumped at the chance to get the largest, fattest sea cucumber in the bucket. It had a smooth almost leathery feeling to it. I take it back to dissection tray and proceed to flip through the lab book to find the correlating page. My lab partner then proceeds to pick up the sea cucumber and make a few jokes about the phallic shape of it. She then proceeds to say, "Hey give it a squeeze." Of course I did and nothing happens. She then says, "No, squeeze it harder!" Without thinking, I grabbed it between two fingers and my thumb and proceeded to squeeze the hell out of it. Upon doing so the pressure built up inside the sea cucumber and caused it to rupture. Now this is where the fuck up happened. As it ruptured it shot a huge stream of foul smelling formaldehyde into the air which just happened to arc and land in the hair of the girl in front of me. My jaw drops in horror, as my teacher from the back of the room exclaims, "No Fucking Way," and bursts into a fit of laughter. My face turns immediately red as apologies spew forth from my mouth and I start giggling like a little kid. I felt extremely bad about it, after all it was an accident. The finally forgave me but switched seats to the other side of the room. As funny the situation was, I fucked up.
**TL:DR** - Squeezed a huge sea cucumber, spraying the girl in front of me with formaldehyde.
writermonk: Formaldehyde can be toxic, allergenic, and carcinogenic, so I sincerely hope that the teacher did more than laugh.
Chrisgarrett_90: Technically is wasn't pure formaldehyde.
**How can I be sure? Isn't formaldehyde dangerous?**
Formalin (formaldehyde gas dissolved in water) is the most widely used, economical, and effective preservative. Used in low concentration (5%) it effectively preserves the entire specimen and prevents decay. Specimens so fixed are rinsed and packed in bags or pails with WardSafe, our proprietary formalin-free holding solution. The amount of residual formalin remaining is usually less than 1%. The federal OSHA standard for formaldehyde exposure is 0.75 ppm over an 8 hour period.
writermonk: So, you got formalin on her and not formaldehyde. Well, that's a plus. Wait. Actually by the above, you didn't even get formalin on her if your specimens come in a "formalin-free" holding solution.
What you got on her was slug-water.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403117001 | 1403124190 | t3_28hdeh | t5_2to41 | 157 | ticklemybuttcrack: TIFU by tickling my boyfriend's buttcrack
So a couple of nights ago my boyfriend was sleeping over for the night. We smoked a blunt and a bong pack or two. He's pretty ticklish, which is something I like to take advantage of, haha. We were pretty stoned and just watching netflix when I realized that my bare foot was in prime position to put my toes right in his buttcrack and tickle away. I'd never tried it there before, and he started laughing harder than I'd EVER heard him laugh before. And, whenever he really gets going laughing it turns very high pitched laugh, one of those laughs that once he starts everyone else in the room does too. So, I'm finding this fucking hilarious and it keeps on going for probably a minute? or so more. After I stop we're still dying laughing for probably a couple more minutes. I realize that I've definitely discovered his most ticklish spot... I totally wasn't expecting it, haha. I am also pretty ticklish, so now I'm wondering if my buttcrack is that ticklish as well. This is a weeknight, mind you, and my parents have work the next morning. So after we finally settle down, I put my butt up in the air and ask him to tickle my buttcrack because I'm so curious about this now. So I'm in my room laughing yelling "TICKLE MY BUTTCRACK! TICKLE MY BUTTCRACK!" to my boyfriend, and as soon as I do a sudden knock comes from the door, and I hear my dad suppressing laughter and he asks me where the car key is. I answer him in a surprisingly normal voice and he says thanks and walks off, haha...
TL;DR yelled at my boyfriend to tickle my buttcrack just as my dad came to my room.
edit: words
fizzo65: Suppose that explains the username.
ticklemybuttcrack: Haha, yeah I probably didn't really need to use a throwaway, but I did anyway.
fizzo65: Probably a good decision, haha
| 4 | 39.25 | |
1403113153 | 1403118174 | t3_28h6hs | t5_2to41 | 3 | bruno238: TIFU by missing my final exam
This was last week during the finals weeks. I had two exams, one on Monday and the other on Tuesday. Since the class for Monday's exam meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I thought the exam would be on Tuesday. This has never happened to me before, I'm usually attentive in class and check my finals schedule. Come to I think of it now, I think I checked my final schedule, but still missed it. I must have been too stressed studying for the other exam that I needed to ace.
So anyhow, I was completely oblivious about the exam on Monday. I nearly shit my pants when I got the email from my professor. I was trembling while replying back and pleaded for a retake. My professor is really cool and I got to take retake the exam.
Tl;dr: Missed finals cause I was studying too hard for the other exam.
Silound: Years after I graduated, I still have a similar problem. I keep [that xkcd comic](http://xkcd.com/557/) pinned on my board at work just to remind myself....
xkcd_transcriber: [Image](http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/students.png)
**Title:** Students
**Title-text:** The same goes for the one where you're wrestling the Green Ranger in the swimming pool full of Crisco. You guys all have that dream, right? It's not just me. Right?
[Comic Explanation](http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php?title=557#Explanation)
**Stats:** This comic has been referenced 34 time(s), representing 0.1419% of referenced xkcds.
---
^[xkcd.com](http://www.xkcd.com) ^| ^[xkcd sub](http://www.reddit.com/r/xkcdcomic/)/[kerfuffle](http://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/1xdwba/the_history_of_the_rxkcd_kerfuffle/) ^| ^[Problems/Bugs?](http://www.reddit.com/r/xkcd_transcriber/) ^| ^[Statistics](http://xkcdref.info/statistics/) ^| ^[Stop Replying](http://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=xkcd_transcriber&subject=ignore%20me&message=ignore%20me)
| 3 | 1 | |
1403117796 | 1403126619 | t3_28heuv | t5_2to41 | 10 | bam2_89: TIFU by not reading the fine print on my scholarship.
I got into a law school out-of-state that is better and cheaper than any place I could go in-state. The state has a mere six-month residency requirement and was nice enough to give me a $7,000 for the first semester to close the gap between in and out of state tuition.
I made a couple trips up there to take the necessary steps for residency before July so that it would kick in before January. I got my new driver's license, registered to vote, set up a bank account, et cetera, but to do all that, I needed an apartment for the address. I'm not ready to leave yet because I'm making good money and want to up to the last minute, but I figured my share of rent and bills for two months was worth the $7,000 difference in tuition next semester so I decided to get the apartment early while still paying for the one I'm currently living in.
Just today, I read the terms and noticed that the scholarship is available for the next semester as well if I remain in good academic standing so I got the place about a month and a half earlier than I needed to and I just blew about $1000 between rent, deposits, and expenses.
My only consolation is that I got a nice place at a lower rate and don't have to worry about it later down the road, but that's still a fuckload of money that would have been better spent on law school. To make my roommate less pissed off, I agreed to let him take the master bedroom for an even split, which roughly makes up the difference I cost him.
Lockjaw7130: Well, at least this is going to be a valuable lesson for someone going to law school - read the legalese.
mythrowawayresponse: or just:
**read**
bam2_89: I did. The information about the second semester was on a completely separate document. If anything, I should have called the dean of students and asked about residency.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1403119803 | 1403125941 | t3_28hiet | t5_2to41 | 3 | FiguringOutMyLife: TIFU almost getting caught in bed by girlfriend's mom.
Lockjaw7130: Oh man. Can I ask what age you are (I'm not familiar with terms like "seniors in college")? Once you get old enough, definitely get away from those racists. It's never good if you have to hide your love!
FiguringOutMyLife: 21, and in my opinion I'd rather the racism go away now. If you never give good love a chance at this age you can miss out on finding love during these years where your social life is at it's prime. By the time I'm older it'll be "too late".
| 3 | 1 | |
1403120777 | 1403125943 | t3_28hk4n | t5_2to41 | 6 | planb7615: TIFU by trying to change the way my fridge opens and left it plugged in the whole time.
thegreatbunsenburner: Some quick questions:
* Could you post the model of your fridge (maybe even a PDF link to the user guide)? That might help us get a better idea of how it handles being left open for a long time.
* How old is your model?
* Do you still hear the motor running?
* Does the inside light still work when the door is opened?
Without knowing anything about the model:
Reorienting any refrigerator door is a big pain (I recently did this with mine). It might have shut off because its temperature went up too much while you made the switch. I'm hoping that it's temporary.
Although you definitely do not want to let a fridge stay shut for long while it's unplugged after recently being used (mold, etc), you might have to shut the door for a while to see if it gets it going again. It might just need time to reset.
planb7615: model abb1921dew
amana
thegreatbunsenburner: > model abb1921dew
I was able to find your manual [here](http://shared.whirlpoolcorp.com/product_literature/search_results.jsp?searchTerm=abb1921de&siteCd=AMA&userType=Consumer).
And [here's](http://shared.whirlpoolcorp.com/assets/pdfs/literature/Use%20and%20Care%20Guide%20-%2012828152.pdf) a direct link to the PDF.
Troubleshooting information begins on page 28. If it still doesn't work after you read through that section, I would call the company and see if they have any advice.
After reading through the section, I'm betting either:
* It will reset in 40 minutes, if the lights are already on and everything is plugged in.
* A fuse blew (check and see if other things work in that socket)
* The controls need to be toggled.
Good luck, OP!
Ninja Edit: "Advi**c**e"
planb7615: thanks.
Im going to plug everything back in, wait 40 mins and cross my fingers.
If you don't hear back from me it means my room mate has murdered me for breaking the fridge. Tell my story and avenge my death!
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1403124195 | 1403125669 | t3_28hq1r | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping at my girlfriends as well.
When you start a new medication and it explicitly states not to drink alcohol, then you go out and drink more than you have in about a year; you know what it's like to be me. Before indulging at a local club, I bumped into car whilst attempting to parallel park. That should have been my first hint as to the kind of night it would be. The club was fun; Watched Ghostbusters without volume on one tv, Ripley's believe it or not on the other. Fun fact: yesterday was the first time I've watched that movie, but I watched it earlier on Netflix, got to watch it twice lol! Other fun fact: bar tender noticed Ripley's was on, it featured a dude who could pose with his feet twisted 180 degrees, she's like "no big deal" and then does it herself! Okay so here's where i fucked up[.](http://imgur.com/G8flpIJ) I thought the drinks were a little weak, so I compensated by consuming more. Managed to pay the bill, think I fucked up on the tip a little while doing maths, but that's not where I really fucked up. We left and went over to my girlfriends house, I really had to pee but her mom was up and nagging so I just passed the fuck out in her
(my gfs) bed. Woke up at around 0330 a little cold and shuffled my feet around. Fuck. The bed is wet. Why is the bed wet? I felt around and touched a water bottle. Oh shit, I must have opened it in my stupor and knocked it over. Psych your mind, 789, the bottle is full and unopened. Yep, you pee'd in her bed. Thank goodness the water bottle was there, as far as she knows it spilled. I had the wherewithall to drink all of it without her seeing it; pointed at it accusingly and left.
Yep
Yep
Yep
ireadberks: You kind of sound like an asshole...Yep.
run6_789: Payed for everyone's drinks, had a great time, we've been together three years, I'll probably show her this at some point today. Her mother is, well her mother. Noone died. Why am I an asshole?
ireadberks: You pissed the bed, lied about it, and left. Kind of a series of dick moves.
run6_789: Well as said, drank way too much, hardly ever do that, in my inebriated state I made some bad decisions. I was in shock and still quite drunk. Guess that's why I don't drink often.
Voyager5555: You drank on medication while being fully aware that you shouldn't be, drove under the influence (I'm guessing twice), hit someone's car, showed up wasted at your girlfriend's house, disrespected her mother, peed in her bed, then blamed it on her before just leaving. Yeah, you're a real keeper.
| 6 | 2 | |
1403119637 | 1403151605 | t3_28hi4m | t5_2to41 | 32 | Thedopestdinosaur: TIFU by tackling a crying dude.
A group of friends and I were at the bar when we decided we should go to the car for something(don't remember, I was drunk). During this two block journey, we came upon a skinny dude holding a binder or something in front of his face.
The way he was standing, I thought perhaps he was smoking a bowl, and was using the binder to block the wind. I couldn't see his face at all, so I wasn't actually sure what he was doing.
Being the drunk jackass that I was that night, I thought it would startle the guy by jumping next to him and letting out a quick little "Boo!" As I prepared for launch, I failed to notice the tiniest of ledges between the guy and I.
I'm clumsy when so sober, so it really was no surprise that my "Boo!" turned into a "Baaaaahhhhh!" as I tripped and tried to steady myself by throwing my arms around the guys waist. As stated before, he was a skinny guy, so the force of my accidental tackle threw him into the wall.
Also, it turns out he was hiding his face because he was on the phone crying.
TLDR went to the bars, introduced crying man to the wall.
uaintatruther: What does tldr mean
tomjarvis: too long, didn't read
Edit: I've just lifted this from the FAQ for you :D happy redditing :D
AFAIK means "As far as I know"
AMA means "Ask me anything"
CMV means "Change my view"
DAE means "Does anybody else" or "Does anyone else"
ELI5 means "Explain like I'm 5 (years old)"
FTFY means "Fixed that for you"
IAMA means "I am a"
IANAD means "I am not a doctor"
IANAL means "I am not a lawyer"
IIRC means "If I recall correctly"
IMO/IMHO means "In my opinion" and "In my humble/honest opinion", respectively
ITT means "In this thread"
MRW/MFW means "My reaction when" and "My face when", respectively
NSFL means "Not safe for life" (gory or gross content)
NSFW means "Not safe for work" (sexual content)
OP means "Original poster" (the person who started the thread)
[Serious] means "Serious responses only" (commonly used in /r/askreddit and other subreddits now)
PSA means "Public service announcement"
TIL means "Today I learned"
TL;DR means "Too long; Didn't read"
YSK means "You should know"
megacookie: Heh, "I ANAL"
| 4 | 8 | |
1403124676 | 1403253802 | t3_28hqsi | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by spraying deodorant
So I go to this school in UK where Health and Safety is like our religion, you can't do this you can't do that. There is a strict ban on deodorants, but people still use them including me.
So it was the first lesson of the day, everybody is in the classroom waiting for our teacher to arrive who happened to be asthmatic. I decided it would be good to spray myself with some deodorant so I smell nice. When the teacher arrived, she wrote a few questions on the board and as she walked past me, she started suffocating, and the whole class panics, the teacher ran out of the classroom throwing up and collapses, everyone knew it was me and I had to own up to the principal, the teacher is currently at the hospital, I am in in isolation (Learning alone) for the rest of the week, and I could be facing exclusion. TIFU
Just to note to you all, I did not spray deodorant with my teachers asthma in mind, I completely forgot about it, it kind of went over my head.
Marbanesa: This is such a sketchy story. Im in the UK and none of this bullshit would have happened.
I dont believe this for a second :/
[deleted]: I am also in the UK and I believe this 100% xD
My secondary school also had a strict ban on any kind of aerosol.
And yes, people have had asthma attacks (becuase no, you don't have to be literally sprayed in the face to have a reaction) in class because people have sprayed and indeed it has led to detention/isolation. Different schools are different. I got an after school detention once for spraying aftershave.
Marbanesa: REALLY? damn. guess we're all miles away from eachother or something.
South Coast Represent :P
[deleted]: I'm south west, so not that far. I don't think they have to be particularly far apart to be very different.
| 5 | 1 | |
1403127522 | 1403153504 | t3_28hw09 | t5_2to41 | 6 | ThePhantomJacker: TIFU by getting high at a friend's house
So I was up late at a friend's house, which had me and various other people in it. I alone am still up at 5 in the morning, so I decide to smoke. A lot. I get back inside and lie on the couch. My hands are moving around and stuff then I realize that I can make it feel like someone else is touching me when it's actually still my own hand.
What do I do with this newfound power? I touch my penis, giving me the feeling that someone else is actually groping me. So I go to the toilet and do what I'm obviously going to do at this point.
So at one point I think I'm close, and it feels great. Here it comes! And came it did. I wasn't actually ejaculating apparently, but pissing. Piss shoots from me and gets all over my legs and chest area, and a drop lands on my chin with a few more drops in my hair as well.
That was embarrassing, but does this stop me? No, I soldier on. I work myself back up after wiping off and get to tuggin'. It feels great, honestly better than any sex I've ever had. I'm breathing heavy and tingling all over, then I erupt. Like, an unusually large amount. Seriously, it's a lot. I goes everywhere, a lot like the piss, but in addition to me it's all over the toilet, floor, and adjacent sink (it's really close to the toilet, it's weird). I panic, wipe myself off and leave, forgetting all about the man-goo left in the rest of the restroom.
No one has called me or anything yet, but I don't think I can ever look any of those people in the face again. I mean, someone, if they haven't already, is going to find my sticky-icky. It's all over for me.
Edit - Some people are acting like it's not obvious that I was out of my mind high. If you haven't noticed, I was insanely high and not myself.
Tl;Dr - I convince myself I'm a woman and turn into Mt. Vesuvius in a friend's bathroom.
[deleted]: Weed did this to you?
ThePhantomJacker: Yes, I'm still relatively new to smoking and apparently my highs are always a little different from everyone else's. Like, I can play mind tricks on myself and convince myself everything's moving slower or in a strobe-light fashion. Or, in this case, that my right hand wasn't actually mine. It's odd, and my friends say it's odd, but it can get pretty cool if I'm high enough and use enough doublethink on myself.
[deleted]: I get really high too in a way that I feel most people don't. People describe it as "relaxation" but that's not how it feels to me - it can be trippy. But I've never felt out of control like you describe... did you not realize the mess you were making (and the future embarrassment it may cause) or did you just not care (as if you were drunk)?
ThePhantomJacker: Yeah I never got the relaxation feeling either! Mine is always a little trippy, too. I didn't really feel out of control or anything..just like "here's a really cool feeling that'll pass soon, better take advantage of it!"
[deleted]: Makes sense to me. Still makes no sense that you would just leave your mess there.
ThePhantomJacker: Don't worry, I agree. I had a lot of things happening in my head and didn't actually realize there was a mess until after I left.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1403123783 | 1403143339 | t3_28hpdz | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my cat in my room
TIFU I woke up this morning and shut my door, got in the shower, and drove to school. When I got home I found I had locked my cat in my room. He displayed his displeasure by shitting on my pillow as well as pissing all over the floor.
razortipwhip: take a shit wherever he sleeps
bananarama_dingdong: If OP's cat is anything like mine, that means that OP will end up shitting in his own bed (again), in the middle of the living room floor, on the windowsill, on his desk chair, and halfway down the goddamn stairs.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403126496 | 1403159677 | t3_28hu62 | t5_2to41 | 77 | rubberstud: TIFU by giving my girlfriend a nosebleed.
This, I assure you, did not happen as you may have expected.
My girlfriend and I had spent the latter part of the day drinking and we were pretty tipsy as a result. When we got back to my place we began getting hot and heavy in the bedroom. So, she was on top and I am on my back, absolutely going to town on her. She's loving it, I'm loving it, and life is good. This is until the booze takes over.
In the heat of the moment, I decide that I want to eat her out. I figure the best and sexiest way to do this is to throw her from my penis on to my face. I've done it before with her and it's all gone without a hitch. This time it did not.
I can only imagine that the alcohol and sexual frenzy had given me super strength because I totally overshot the throw. I placed my hands on her backside and attempted to hoist her towards my face, but realised my mistake as her vagina went screaming past my eyes. This is when I heard the thud.
This is an indescribable sound. Imagine hitting a pig with a baseball bat. The thud is so violent and so sickening that I freeze, my hands still on her arse. 'OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! OH NO!', she says. Over and over. And then the wet warm begins to hit me. I jump out of bed, throwing her off me in the process, and I switch the lamp on.
I am quickly able to figure out what has happened, using the blood on the wall and the torrents coming from her nose as my main pieces of evidence. It seems I threw her face-first in to the wall behind my bed. I can only imagine that her drunkeness and the darkness conspired together to stop her putting her hands out to stop this from happening.
I stand there and survey the situation for a moment, witnessing the proverbial gallons pouring from her nose. I seriously cannot explain the blood. It is everywhere, bed sheets are saturated, and it's forcibly pouring from her face. It's like a Tarantino flick in there.
Autopilot takes over and I run to the bathroom and grab 2 toilet rolls and a towel. I begin mopping but it's just not doing anything. She's crying, I'm panicking, and we're surrounded by blood. It's also starting to dry on her limbs as she sits on the bed trying to stem the flow. This is the least attractive she has ever looked and it's totally my fault.
Eventually the flow stops, I rip the bed sheets off and lay down some towels so we can actually sleep. I get her in the bath and just wash her. It was sort of a bonding experience in a way but I still wish it hadn't happened. We eventually get in to bed, and she soon falls asleep.
I then went to the bathroom to jack off because I still had major blue balls.
TL;DR I threw my girlfriend in to a wall and almost broke her nose, all while trying to eat her out.
jay_xxii: I think the worst part of this story is that you compare throwing your girlfriend's face into a wall to hitting a pig with a baseball bat...
What did pigs ever do to you?
EdvardXiu: "Here's a bizarre analogy that no one can relate to to help you all better understand this bizarre event that actually happened that no one can relate to."
bgb82: Actually I watch deadliest warrior and due to that I am aware of what that sounds like.
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1403131163 | 1403209639 | t3_28i24g | t5_2to41 | 312 | superpervy: TIFU by listening to the people next door have sex.
I live in a major city where houses are stacked next to eachother. My room borders the another bedroom in the house next door, and when both of our windows are open we can hear everything.
I was home alone browsing reddit and doing some research when I started to hear it, brief intermittent whimpering, and moaning, i stuck my ear to the wall to see if i could hear anything else, but really wasn't able to. The moaning increased and it made me kind of horny so I did what any pervert would do, grabbed my hitachi wand and went at it while listening. This went on for a few minutes until I came, relieved I went out back for a cigarette. What I found out there surprised me though.
I guess my ears are bad or something because the whimpering wasn't coming from there at all, it was coming from their back porch. Just then, I see their little fucking dog peaking its head through the fence. A mixture of sick to my stomach and a little weirdly turned on I put out my cigarette and decide to try to clean the whole house to make up for my shame.
TL;DR masturbated to the neighbors fucking; turned out it was their dog making the noises
razortipwhip: you horn dog!
rreighe2: >dog
Heh.
hardeknal: Why the hell did you feel the need to murder that joke, fucking hell
rreighe2: In the joke murderer.
| 5 | 62.4 | |
1403131288 | 1403194860 | t3_28i2b7 | t5_2to41 | 373 | MediocriMe: TIFU by getting road dome
So this started a couple days ago and now that it has all played out I thought I let reddit in on my fuck up.
So this all started with Tinder (for those of you who don’t know it’s essentially a "dating" app that I like to use for the casual hookup.) Although my luck with Tinder is sporadic, it has resulted in the occasional hook-up. This past weekend I chatted up this girl for a little while, let’s call her Tina. So Tina wasn’t exactly a dime, who am I kidding she was probably around a 6 but I’m a horny and she had a nice rack, but I digress. So chatted up means sending a corny pick-up line, sending a few messages and eventually exchanging snapchats and getting some ganders at some naughty bits. Everything was going good, we laughed, we got excited and it eventually led to us meeting up late on Sunday for some fun.
Since I’m living at home with my parents for the summer and Tina didn’t have a free house either we decided that my car would suffice. I mean who’s not a fan of sex in the back seat of a car. Well after I picked up Tina it wasn’t long before things started to get steamy and before I knew it little MediocriMe was out and about and road dome had commenced. I had absolutely no problem with hoping aboard the blowjob train until we could find a nice secluded stop, derail the train and rail Tina. I’ll give it to that girl what she lacked in looks she made up for in effort. It felt great and needless to say I figured I’d prolong the experience by driving around aimlessly for a bit and enjoy the show.
Now here is where the fuck up happens. I tried to avoid lights to the best of my ability. Living around a lot of backroads it isn’t that hard and it means I don’t have to worry about any friendly neighborhood drivers watching as I try and avoid eye contact. Getting a little distracted I ended up in the cross-section of a fairly main road in my area stopped at a red light. Things seemed like they would be fine, once the light turned green I had already mapped out where I was going to go to ensure some proper seclusion. The crosswalk man had already disappeared and I couldn’t help but think that red hand was trying to high-five me in all of this glory. Then out of nowhere a car pulled up to my left. I tried to avoid eye contact but I could feel those retinas burning a hole in the side of my head. Right before the light turned I glanced at those disapproving eyes and yeah, who the fuck else would it be but my grandparents.
I don’t think I can get those faces out of my head. My grandma had a look of absolute disappointment, those sad, confused, and disappointed eyes. I glanced from my grandma to my grandpa, who was trying to hide a smirk (I don’t know if that made it worse or better) then to Tina who kept doing what she was doing with no idea what was going down around her. Once that light turned I slammed on the gas and tried to save any good image my grandparents still had of me.
Once I was across the street I looked in my rear-view mirror and their car was just sitting there, they hadn’t budged an inch.
Even though this hookup took a slight detour, I still shame fucked the shit out of Tina. After, I returned her to her living space and went home expecting my parents to give me an earful. To my surprise they knew nothing of the incident, but today we went to my grandparents to celebrate my grandpa’s birthday.
You could cut the awkwardness between my grandma and me with a knife but it was still a good day and everything was going good. Then the cake came out, we sang happy birthday and my grandpa was told to make a wish, to which his reply was:
“I don’t have anything to wish for, seeing MediocriMe the other day inspired grandma to be more adventurous! Now we can drive around for hours!”
I can’t even describe the look my and my grandma interchanged. Shame, fear, sadness, it was a cocktail of fucked-up-ness. My family, being in the dark to all of this, were incredibly confused and wanted an explanation. My grandma said something along the lines of me being such a great driver makes them love to drive for hours. It was complete bullshit but my family ate it up, along with their birthday cake all while I just sat there trying to erase the last week from my memory.
Veridical_Cupcakes: Your real fuck-up was accepting road head at all. That has to be one of the more dangerous "while driving" activities. Your attention was barely on your surroundings at all.
That was plain stupid, OP. You're lucky shame was all that resulted.
Edit: Not meaning to attack you, by the way. It's just that I don't want to hear of any more accidents caused by distracted driving. :(
zedthehead: I know a guy who knows a guy who wrecked into a tree, paralyzing himself and killing the girl (neither were wearing seatbelts).
feedbackTOdevnull: But did this guy finish? That's the most important part!
zedthehead: If I remember correctly, he blew his load and missed a turn in the road, which is how he ended up smashed into a tree.
DJPizzaBagel: > he blew his load and missed a turn in the road
Who wants to finish the limerick?
giantturkysub: There once was a man in a truck
whose passenger decided to suck
He then blew his load
and missed a turn in the road
and now as a result they're both fucked
DJPizzaBagel: Winner! You are now the King of Ireland
| 8 | 46.625 | |
1403132408 | 1403137641 | t3_28i3yx | t5_2to41 | 9 | throwmeofftheroof: TIFU by celebrating my job, hooking up with a friend, and missing work
Last night I went out to celebrate the fact that, although I've been worried about getting laid off this summer, it didn't happen. I was supposed to have one or two drinks with a friend and then go home and get to sleep early. One or two turned into lots of shots, staying with my friend and the bartender after closing, and getting borderline blackout drunk. I'm a grown-ass woman, and that was really stupid and irresponsible.
Really bad:
One of the incredibly stupid things I did last night was giving my friend a (sloppy, terrible) blowjob. Even though there are parts of the night I don't remember very well, I wasn't blacked out when the blowjob happened - I remember very vividly, and I was the one who initiated. But it shouldn't have happened. We've talked many times about the fact that part of why we're able to have this super-close male-female friendship is that we're not sexually interested in each other... We talked about it this morning after I called work and we've agreed to pretend it never fucking happened...but I don't know if it works like that. We stay in each other's beds often when we've been hanging out late, and we cuddle and talk, but sex is supposed to be a non-issue between us. Now I'm worried that it's either always going to loom as a possibility, or that the fact that it shouldn't have happened will wreck our closeness or make us not trust each other physically the way we used to.
Really, really bad:
I woke up in my friend's bed this morning, still drunk, right when I was supposed to be at work. I called in and claimed an emergency, and I still have my job, but this is bad for my professional reputation, I'm going to have to do some ass-covering, and this is not good. Missing the job you went out to celebrate keeping is not good.
I really blew it, if you will.
TheDemonClown: I wouldn't worry about the hooking up. If y'all end up wanting to be fuckbuddies or something, then just do it, be mature about it, & you'll be okay. I'd definitely worry about the job more, but even that sounds like it won't be too big a deal.
throwmeofftheroof: Thanks, I needed this. The job is the much bigger deal, but I think it's going to be OK. I'm lucky that I wasn't looking at losing my job for cause or anything (just shitty economy), and my supervisor loves me, so I think I'm going to get away with this and be a grownup about it and make better choices in the future. Being mature about it is good advice for me and my friend too.
TheDemonClown: Exactly. No need to freak out & overthink it. At best, you both just needed some boozening to realize you're hot for one another and, at worst, it was a drunken oopsie, LOL
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1403132196 | 1403279516 | t3_28i3nt | t5_2to41 | 3 | PM_ME_QUESTIONS: TIFU by making fun of cancer to a victim's face.
Actually happened today. Anyway, I met up with some friends earlier outside of a pizza place. My buddies A and B brought along a girl named G who I had never seen before. My group has a pretty messed up sense of humor, so I started making jokes about cancer right off the bat. Then my buddy A starts shushing me and saying "no no no no". I thought this just meant "She gets offended by that stuff, stahp." So naturally, I go up to her and say "So a cancer patient walks into a bar..." and then she just stares at me. But I can't let it go. I then say to her in a joking tone, "What? What do you like in your humor, how did the chicken cross the road?" The girl then proceeded to walk far ahead of us and cry. I was told immediately after that her mom just died of cancer a few months ago. I feel like I should just go to hell...
IrresponsibleBrother: Pretty messed up
PM_ME_QUESTIONS: I'm aware
| 3 | 1 | |
1403133069 | 1403204668 | t3_28i4ze | t5_2to41 | 184 | colerocks123: TIFU By telling my girlfriends family I love anal sex at the dinner!
So, this is retarded, I was having dinner at my fairly old fashioned super religious girlfriend's parents, I knew her father didn't like me, so I went in optimistic thinking that I might be able to win him over, my god was I wrong. Dinner was cooked and we were happily eating and drinking wine, and me being nervous about the whole dinner I pounded back quite a bit. Her father was jokingly comparing his wife to his daughter, what he said some how clicked with me. "She's just like her mother, smart, indecisive, even very anal if you will." Now, when I heard this, something just clicked, and I just said whatever came to my mouth. "HA! Good thing I'm really into Anal!" It didn't hit me for about 10 seconds, until I looked up at her father, mother, and then her. No one laughed, 6 piercing eyes stabbing me. and I realised that MY GOD. I just really fucked up! So now I'm at the bus stop writing this waiting for her dad to come run me over with his mustang. HELP IS APPRECIATED!
Ragman676: You didn't fuck up, her family is boring with no sense of humor.
schooner156: Yeah, I bet you'd find it a riot if your daughter's boyfriend talked about fucking her in the ass over supper.
AWildPlotTwistApperd: I dunno, with a joke as quick and witty as that I'd probably be having a laugh as well.
RobertJ93: It's kind of low handing fruit really.
| 5 | 36.8 | |
1403134043 | 1403135043 | t3_28i6e9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Fireboltsword: TIFU by possibly sending my best friend to jail. For the second time. I just lost my best friend.
Well, on the /r//ImGoingToHellForThis subreddit, there is a troll post that links the 'Apply for Mods' application to searching for cp on the fbi website.
I have a best friend, who has a dark sense of humour, and usually appreciates these kinds of things. I sent him the link.
He freaked the fuck, out and never wants to speak to me again.
He has saved me from countless incidents, and has almost been caught with marijuana on my account and even saved me from being raped.
I don't know what to do. I just lost my best friend
TL;DR: I sent a link to the fbi website searching for cp to my bestfriend, because I thought it would make him lol. Didn't know the gravity of the situation.
TheCrazyCrochetLady: Could you explain this like I'm 5? What's so bad about it?
Fireboltsword: Here's the link if you need to know. I must warn you. Don't click on it.
http://www.reddit.com/r/ImGoingToHellForThis/comments/28gwsb/looking_for_new_mods_apply_within/
Okay, I got my friend to search for child videos of devious on the fbi website, by mistake.
He might go to prison.
I lost my best friend, that's really bad.
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: I don't see the problem. He could just say he clicked on that link, or say he was looking for a case on the FBI website concerning CP. The amount of ways to lie about this is endless, seems he (and you) are over-reacting.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403134399 | 1403192636 | t3_28i6zj | t5_2to41 | 460 | FizzPig: TIFU by making the clerk at walgreens think I was gonna have sex with my dad for his birthday
So I (25m) was in walgreens earlier today and I picked up the following items: a bar of soap, a bottle of gatorade, a box of condoms and a birthday card for my dad. When the clerk was ringing me up (not paying much attention as he pulled the stuff outta the basket) he asked me how I was doing, just smalltalk. And I said "oh it's my dad's birthday tomorrow so I was picking up some stuff for that." He finished scanning the envelope with the card in it and is scanning the box of condoms when I, unable to control what comes out of my mouth I said "yeah my dad's gonna have a cool birthday this year" and the guy kinda looked at me a little oddly and I realized he'd been looking at the condoms as I said it. A moment of terrifying silence follows and he went "uh yeah" and I, out of sheer awkwardness, gave him a great big grin and said "OH YEAAH"
TL;DR: guy who works at walgreens thinks I'm practicing safe sex with my dad
wpatter6: Go back in and a pregnancy test tomorrow mumbling and glaring angrily
CurrentlyIncognito: Get to the same cashier and be like, "I'm getting this for my mom."
gofrankyousev: No, she should be like "this is why I like my mom's birthday so much more."
superatheist95: "My mum and dad are twins"
onelove71: And my brother choked on a pigeon.
| 6 | 76.666667 |
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