start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1403134482 | 1403146668 | t3_28i74j | t5_2to41 | 92 | tonychiza: TIFU Speaking in front of the company I just started at.
So, I'm in charge of the sales contest at the company I just started at a couple months ago. It's a very serious company, and this was my first time speaking in front of all the people in our office at our office annual meeting which is about 100 people.
Even before getting up to speak, I was coached not to make any inappropriate jokes or comments and if I was unsure of what was inappropriate that it was best I left it out. This is from the same boss who hired me and made me wait for an hour in the lobby because he was pissed I was two minutes late to the interview.
So I'm giving an update on the contest and I tell the group that Bob has been in the lead for the last few weeks, but I hear that Jimmy is going to take it from behind.
SHIT! I meant to say "come from behind to take it". I literally freeze mid-speech like a deer in headlights, wide-eyed staring straight at my boss. Suddenly, one of the most senior guys in the back of the room starts slapping his thigh and laughing at the top of his lungs. This led to thunderous laughing in the whole room which I feel in a way saved my ass.
First chance I get, I'm going to buy that guy a beer.
TL:DR Told the company someone was going to take it from behind instead of saying come from behind to take it.
ATAT_Driver: Sounds like your boss is an anal dick.
ape_cage: I love anal dicks.
| 3 | 30.666667 | |
1403135105 | 1403221988 | t3_28i84o | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by not being able to pay on my first date with the girl of my dreams.
So, today is a special day for me! I've been friends with this girl I really like for over 3 years. We are close friends and I've developed some deep feelings for her about a year ago. When I asked her out, she friend zoned me immediately. I did not give up though and kept pursuing it. Just last week we went to hang out and that's when she told me she has developed feelings for me a well and wanted to take our friendship to the next level. You don't know how fucking happy I was to hear that and still am. I've been smiling so much I have worked out my cheek muscles to the point where look like a fucking chipmunk.
Anyways for our first date, I really wanted to impress her, so I took her to an expensive restaurant. Now earlier that day I got paid cash from the side job I have. It wasn't much, only about $80. I get dressed, leave the house early, go buy some flowers and am on my way to pick her up. When I get there, she looks as beautiful as ever. I completel her and she blushes. I rarely made her blush, so that felt good. We get to the restaurant, have a great time, enjoy the food, share a few kisses. The night can't get any better. When we finished our food, I asked for the check and started going for my wallet, when I realized it's not in my pocket. The only momey i had was the $80 in cash. At that moment, I felt like I should of just crawled back into the friend zone and never come out of it. The check came, and the total ended up being $140 dollars. When I saw it, I just froze. What the fuck am I suppose to do now. She noticed me staring at the check, amd being the smart girl she is, asked if everything was ok? I explained the situation and without a flinch, she said she'll cover the rest. I dropped get off at home, kissed her good night and am on my way home with the worst feeling in my gut. Fml.
gatanegra: It bugs the shit out of me when women expect men to to pay on dates, and of course, when men expect to pay.
Any decent woman, let me rephrase that, any decent woman who likes to comport herself as a full grown adult, will always offer to pay her half. You only fucked up if you like father-daughter dynamics in a relationship.
TheDemonClown: Why shouldn't he? Dating is basically one person asking another to take time out of their lives so they can try to sell them on a romantic/sexual relationship. If it was a "friend-zoned" woman who finally got her shot with the dude of her dreams, then she should pay. It's just that, more often than not, the initiator is a dude.
ElGoddamnDorado: >It's just that, more often than not, the initiator is a dude.
Right, because most women always expect men to make the first move, even when they already like the guy and want to go out with him.
>If it was a "friend-zoned" woman who finally got her shot with the dude of her dreams, then she should pay.
Except he wasn't 'friend zoned', she already had feelings for him and wanted to date him. What a dumb argument. "Well they both already had feelings for each other, but because the guy liked her first he should be expected to pay for the entire $140 first date meal."
TheDemonClown: >Right, because most women always expect men to make the first move, even when they already like the guy and want to go out with him.
Doesn't have to be that way. Social programming makes it so, though women are making the first move more & more.
>Except he wasn't 'friend zoned', she already had feelings for him and wanted to date him. What a dumb argument. "Well they both already had feelings for each other, but because the guy liked her first he should be expected to pay for the entire $140 first date meal."
He asked her out, period.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1403136408 | 1403196210 | t3_28ia4e | t5_2to41 | 43 | iarathrad248: TIFU by not using a public restroom
I was out to dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant near my university. We had a very attentive waiter that filled my glass with water very frequently. And here lies the issue. When someone puts a glass of water in front of me, I drink it. I don't just sip it. I gulp it down like I just made it out of the Sahara after wandering there for a week.
Now, this in combination with the fact that I absolutely HATE public restrooms caused me immense pain in the near future. We were getting ready to leave and trying to pay the bill, but the waiter was having trouble with the register. While he struggled to work with the technology, the urge to piss struck my loins. Now, I've held in piss before. Hell, I've taken twelve hour trips without using the bathroom. I figured I'd be able to hold it until I got back to my room so I wouldn't have to deal with the restaurant's bathroom. I was wrong about that.
Finally, the waiter comes back to us and the bill has been paid. My girlfriend and I head back to the car and I begin to have second thoughts about my ability to contain the deluge of urine ahead of me. Stubborn me still decides to dance my back to the car instead of go back inside to use the bathroom.
Fast forward a few minutes and we're on our not-so-merry way back to the university when I suddenly start to feel a constant dull pain in my lower back. I feel like my kidneys are about to burst. On top of that, my dick is throbbing from the pain of holding the flood gates shut for so long. I contemplated just letting it loose and pissing myself while driving. The sweet relief was tempting, but my girlfriend was RIGHT next to me and I didn't want her to witness that atrocious act and I also didn't want to ruin my car or my pants.
We were nearing the entrance to the college and I know at this point I'm not going to make it. I have to bite the bullet. I need to find the closest restroom. So I park my car outside of a building on campus and leave my girlfriend in the car so I don't get a ticket or something. Then, I start to rush to the bathroom. I try to run. Not happening. My legs won't move faster than a slow waddle and I start to feel increasingly ill from the pain. I make it into the building. Almost there. I shuffle my way into the bathroom. As I walk through the door, the pain was getting unbearable, and I start to dry heave. I manage to make my way into a handicap stall and shut the door. I dropped my pants, the dam broke, and I instantly began to piss. This would have been well and good if it weren't for all the pain I was in. As soon as the piss broke the water tension of the toilet water, the pain got the better of me and I began to furiously vomit. So here I was, in a handicap stall, pissing and vomiting simultaneously, and I could have sworn I heard someone laughing outside the stall. The vomit was falling from about shoulder height, so it had a good amount of time to accelerate, so when it hit the water, it splattered everywhere. There was piss, puke, and toilet water all over the toilet, all over the floor, and all over my bare legs. At this point, I felt a lot better, but still had some residual kidney pain and I was shaking quite a bit. I cleaned up the stall a little bit, but there was still quite a mess when I left (which I felt absolutely terrible about. Sorry, custodian!). I made it back to my room and immediately took a shower to clean myself off. In the coming days, I went to the doctor to see if I had any damage to my kidneys since my lower back still ached when I pissed. Thankfully I was fine.
Needless to say, I've learned my lesson and I'll use a public restroom if I have to. Gotta love automatic sinks.
Tl;dr: Really had to piss, ruined a custodian's day (life?)
wpatter6: Holding your piss for too long shouldn't induce vomiting... I'd get a second opinion
iarathrad248: I think the vomiting was more due to the pain than anything else. It was the same sort of sensation one feels after getting hit in the balls, only in my lower back. But thanks for the concern! This was months ago, anyway.
wpatter6: I had a similar situation when I was 16, I was on a group trip and drank a full 2 liter of soda to myself at a restaurant before we got in the van and drove for 8 hours. After about 30 minutes I had to piss something terrible, but we learned that one of the girls on the trip was diabetic and had run out of insulin for the trip, so we couldn't stop and had to rush back. It was pretty excruciating, but I never felt like I had to vomit or had any truly intense pain like you describe. It did take about 5 minutes of standing in front of the urinal before the flood gates opened for the next 15 minutes though. Ahh, tales of piss...
fullmoan: A 15 minute piss? Is that what you're telling me? I can barely do 30 seconds when I'm fully juiced up, but that?? Wow.
Testes_Tacos: I am the same. I'm always in a competition if there is someone pissing next to me in public restroom like I have to prolong this piss as much as possible.
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1403135926 | 1414609153 | t3_28i9d0 | t5_2to41 | 1,778 | Brenvol: TIFUpdate to me peeing too hard!
This is an update to this post where I peed too hard and passed out at work. If you missed it, [check it out here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28epq5/tifu_by_peeing_too_hard/).
I wanted to post an update because there were so many people requesting it yesterday. I went to work this morning with a game plan: Don't be embarrassed by what happened, just go in there and own it. Many if you told me that if I would just be cool about it and make it a joke instead of being "pissy", it would be much better for everyone. That plan worked great until I walked in the front door this morning, bold and confident, and the receptionist asked me what happened yesterday, because she heard I peed my pants and passed out. SHIIIIIIIIIT. My confidence was gone, and I told her I had somewhere to be and rushed to my desk, careful not to make eye contact with anyone else.
About 8:30, my boss called me into his office. I put my head down and went in, not sure I did anything that could get me into trouble, but sure he was about to talk about something from yesterday's meeting. He told me to shut the door and have a seat, which I did. He then proceeded to ask me if I was ok, because he heard I had passed out. He never mentioned the pee or my little piggy peeking out the barn doors. He told me others in the meeting had complained about having such a long meeting without breaks and apologized to me. I left his office feeling good again, and I went and talked with a group of coworkers huddled together (likely talking about me). I joked around with them about it and owned it like a man. They didn't have nearly as awesome of nicknames as you all did. The one that stuck seems to be "TKO" or "The Fountain".
I even went back to the scene of the incident about midday. This picture was pinned to the wall above the urinal: [I thought it was pretty clever](http://m.imgur.com/Jss4egJ).
Thanks to everyone who commented on my first post! I read every message in my inbox and you all had some awesome advice and really helped out! Glad you all could laugh at my epic f***up! It ended up not being as bad as I thought (even though I'll always be the guy at work who pissed like a geyser while laying in the floor unconscious).
KingJick: So I guess urine less touble than you expected?
indecisiveredditor: Na, they were still pissed off though.
UncheckedException: But I guess in the end urethra fired or not, and he kept his job.
[deleted]: Hopefully his boss realized the meeting was a wee bit long.
a4187021: I guess you could say that OP urinated all over that floor.
Ah fuck it, I got nothing.
CompanionCuybe: THEN GIVE US NOTHING.
[deleted]: You yellow-bellied coward.
cortana: Urine the doghouse for sure.
[deleted]: Now I'm pissed off.
| 10 | 177.8 | |
1403136320 | 1403145757 | t3_28i9yx | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU - My mum found my used tissues
Ok title says it all really. Sometimes I can't get to the bathroom to dispose of my wank tissues because the floor boards make so much noise and my parents were asleep, so I leave them under my bed until the morning... Well it turns out I had more under there than I though. My mum was painting the house and she said she would have to move all the furniture out of my room including the bed. (I thought I had removed all of the tissues but I guess I was wrong) So I said it was fine and left for college. I get home, walk upstairs and my mum is still painting, to my horror and disgust the pile of tissues are sitting in a plastic bag with some pieces of rubbish. I felt like I was going to vomit, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. She said to me "There were a lot of tissues under your bed." So I replied with "Oh I forgot about them I had a cold." That is the fucking most retarded reply ever but she didn't say anymore about it.
So do you think she knew what they were? She must have, the smell, how hard the tissues were. I'm going to go cry now.
TL;DR My mum found my wank tissues under my bed when moving it to paint my room.
Teotwawki69: A) Oh, she knew exactly what they were.
B) Everybody wanks.
C) Maybe you should try spooging into a box.
[deleted]: Just don't cum in a cup, there are far too many stories here about people accidentally drinking from them later...
Oh and yes, she totally knew - just probably didnt want to say anything cos damn awkward line of convo "so son, I had my hands full of your cum today...."
| 3 | 6 | |
1403137943 | 1403141034 | t3_28icdf | t5_2to41 | 115 | bjackman: TIFU by pulling a hair out of my pubes
I stayed at my girlfriend's family's house. In the morning, I went to pee. As I released my torrent I noticed one of my GF's long hairs tangled in my groin jungle. Hairy men will know that this is a common occurrence. Without a thought I pulled it out. Unfortunately this stray strand had wended it's way behind my wang, around my sack, and into my crack. As I pulled it, it pinched my ball bag and tickled my bum hole. This caused my semi-turgid dong to twitch in satisfied surprise, sending a stream of yellow piss all over the wall next to the toilet. Oops.
buoyak: It's like your dick had a pull starter
Teotwawki69: The poor man's ben wa balls.
| 3 | 38.333333 | |
1403139722 | 1403201752 | t3_28iewp | t5_2to41 | 103 | username_009: TIFU by letting a drunk "friend" crash at my house after the bar
I say "friend" because I just met the guy. I have a tendency to be very trustworthy, and I also have a tendency to drink pretty hard on Friday nights. It is the weekend after all!
So this night starts out by me having a few beers at my place before walking up to my local pub to shoot some pool, which is only a half-block away. I usually only go to this place once every couple of weeks, but I always talk it up with the regulars who I consider "bar friends". Anyway, on this particular night I had a few too many drinks because I only remember bits and pieces, but I remember hitting it off with this guy and having a pretty jolly time (I am a heterosexual guy, so when I say hitting it off I simply mean we were on the same level and got along well). As I have stupidly done in the past with other "bar friends", I invited him over to smoke some weed and play Madden since I lived so close. We did just that, and the next thing I remember is waking up the next morning to find this vaguely familiar face sitting in my living room.
I am still a bit off-balance and not thinking very clearly from the night before. The guy busts out a bottle of vodka from the backpack he had been carrying around and wants to keep the good times-a-goin. It's Saturday and I have nothing better to do, so I take a couple shots. Before you know it, I am right back in the drunken stooper I was in the night before. We shot the shit for a while and smoked a bit more. I gave him some food and cigarettes because he didn't seem to be very well-off, and at this point he still seemed like a pretty genuine guy even though all we had been doing was getting messed up. Pretty soon I was done for, so I went to my room and passed out leaving him doing god knows what.
I woke up a few hours later to find the TV on and his bag still there, but there is no sign of him. I figure he must have had something to do or had someone pick him up and forgot his bag. I went about my day, which mainly consisted of throwing up and lying in bed in the fetal position from the unhealthy amounts of alcohol I drank.
I woke up on Sunday, still feeling like shit, but decided I needed to run some errands so that my weekend wasn't a total waste. I grab my keys, head to the garage and what did I NOT find? My fucking car! I start to panic and retrace as much as I could remember about this guy. I search his bag and what do I find? Release forms from prison, AA brochures, medication for alcohol withdrawal, and a small toiletry kit. The receipts from the medication/release documents have his information on it, so I have his full name, address and a phone number. Of course no one answers the phone, so I take the 3 mile walk to the address hoping to see my car parked in the driveway or something. Nothing. I get home and check my phone to find that he signed into Facebook and left himself logged in. I posted what happened from his account hoping that a friend would know where he was, but that backfired pretty quickly with all of his thug friends just making fun of my situation. Some good did come out of it, though, because his sister ended up giving me her number so I could call her.
It turns out, by what I could have guessed from searching his bag, that this dude is an alcoholic and a loose cannon. She tells me that if he is on "one of his benders" that my shit is gone! She tried to be helpful and felt really bad about it, but his entire family has no idea where he is. Apparently he disappears when he goes on his drinking binges.
It's safe to say that I was freaking out all day, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do. Finally at around 5, his sister calls me back and tells me to call the so-and-so police department because they picked him up earlier that day. I call them and tell them my situation, and they know where my car is! The asshole must have done something stupid at a Walgreens (I suspect trying to get more pills) and got picked up by the cops, leaving my car in the parking lot. I still have my backup keys at this point, so I catch a $40 cab ride to where it was (not close) and retrieve my car. The keys that he took were never found, so he MIGHT still have them and I had a house key on there too, so when I got home I had to drop another $50 change all of my locks. To add insult to injury, I also brought his bag over to his sister's house, only because I didn't want him having any reason to come back to my place to try and get his stuff.
Obviously I was very lucky that nothing worse happened and that I was able to recover the car so quickly, but I learned a very important lesson last weekend. You don't have to tell me how stupid I was to let this happen...I realize this and feel like a jackass. In fact, I haven't told a soul about what happened because I feel really embarrassed. But hey, we all fuck up sometimes, right? I hope that any good-hearted and trusting people that might read this might think twice before making a similar mistake!
buffalo_Fart: keep bar friends friends in the bar.
RobertJ93: Keep home friends at home.
| 3 | 34.333333 | |
1403143141 | 1403146588 | t3_28ijy5 | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by not wearing a condom NSFW
This happened a couple hours ago. I've been having an thing with this girl that I used to go to school with, I'm 17, she's 16. So, she comes to my house and we hang for a bit, then things started to heat up. we start making out and touching, and then it escalated to sex. I wasn't planning on having sex at all, so i wasn't "prepared". When I got to my climax, I didn't pull out. She's not on the pill, and I'm worried as fuck.
TL:DR Surprise sex, no cdom, 17 and maybe baby,
Psionx0: Assuming you are in the U.S.:
Go to a pharmacy, buy Plan B. Call her and invite her over. Discuss the situation. If she chooses to use Plan B, great. And you'll have it there. If not, well best of luck to you.
Hard4RosaParks: ^ This. Do this.
bastilla: I live in Canada, but I'm sure they have the same thing. Thanks for the advice. How soon do you have to use plan B for it to be effective?
Psionx0: 48 hours I believe. It could be as high as 72. But.... I'd rather be on the safe side.
http://www.planb.ca/where.php
Edit: According to that website, if she uses it within the next 24 hours, it's 95% effective.
Edit 2: Buy a box of condoms while you're there...
GarnetSteel: 72 hours yes.
You have the option of taking both pills at once. Or over two days. (One now, one tomorrow).
Source: personal experience.. Though I am not currently staring at the box and it's been years since I had a moment like that (yay birth control!)
Edit: hours
Psionx0: I've never had to (gay, male), so couldn't remember the exact timing.
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1403142610 | 1403176277 | t3_28ij54 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Throwmeaweighh: Tifu by leaving my sex toy in the shower
Just as the title reads... I smoked a bowl and had a release in the shower.. I'm a male with a flesh lite bought from Amazon. Just recently moved back with my parents. My dad is currently in the shower and I'm not sure how to approach this.
TheDyingEconomy_: UPDATE OP!!!!
alexsavestheday: OP's dead..
Throwmeaweighh: Yup, I rushed in there to grab it before my mother went in to shower.. My dad definitely knows, we haven't made eye contact since
moist_obama: How did you obtain it without your parents knowing anyways?
NightGod: > recently moved back with my parents
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1403143120 | 1403147933 | t3_28ijws | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU (and many other days) by misinterpetating the name of this subreddit
Yeah.. this is gonna sound weird..
I've seen posts from this place reach /r/all for quite some time now, and the acronym of it is something that I haven't been familiar with myself (not a native English speaker, if that helps). "TIFU by doing this" "TIFU by doing that"; the actual meaning of it never really struck me, and I also never seemed to bother to look it up myself. This left me unknowing of what the posts, or even the subreddit itself was all about.
So a bit later on I stumbled upon this subreddit again, still without any idea of what the titles meant. Now, you might think I was crazy in what I'm about to say, but whatever post I saw on /r/all back then must have made a fair amount of sense with this nonsense my brain decided to enlighten me with:
-*Hey, TIFU kind of sounds like some new age weight-loss shit, doesn't it?*
-*Well.. it sounds like tofu and goes well with this post, so yeah, sure! That must be it!*
Yep, it made 100% sense to me that TIFU had to do with weight-loss, as if it was written in stone. I thought I had myself yet another mystery solved!
As you might imagine though things started to get strange with my newly acquired wisdom. Not all following posts reaching /r/all seemed to make as much sense as the one that started this.
>"TIFU by leaving car windows open while driving @2am"
>"TIFU by grabbing a strangers breasts in public"
Eh, maybe the technique of TIFU was meant to be "psychological" or different, you know, like most new-age crap? That would explain some a little, right?
So I thought for a while, but man.. some of these were a bit too much..
>"TIFU by thinking if you slayed a dragon, it wouldn't come back to bite you in your ass."
>"TIFU by trying to rip off my gf's nipple (NSFW)"
Yeah.. eventually I more or less said what the fuck and went to check this place out. And here I am..
:I
AppleSponge: wut
hawkins_syd: a wtf would also be suitable for this occasion
| 3 | 1 | |
1403145807 | 1403148772 | t3_28inxu | t5_2to41 | 20 | nooberino123: TIFU by masterbating in my backyard..
So, It was in the morning at my grandparents house, and I woke up with the hardest erection I've had in awhile... Putting my pants on and just deciding to ignore the fact that I had a boner, I went out for a smoke in my backyard, when suddenly.. I couldn't hold it in. My instincts kicked in and I quickly grasped my penis for a quick morning fap. To hide from eyes, I decided to get close to a corner near my fence which is right beside my neighbors backyard. I just got in the moment really quickly and finally came, and as I lifted my head up in relief letting all the little me's out, I heard a noise under me. It almost sounded like a dog drinking water from its bowl. The Slurp, Slurp, Slurp noise, So I thought to myself.... I wonder if he's eating my semen... and there it was... a little chiwawa out for a piss in the backyard happen to find a pool of semen on the ground, but that wasn't the worst part. As I looked up after looking at the dog eat my semen, I made eye contact with the asian lady, which who I assume was the dogs owner. Surprisingly she didn't say much, but just gave me this weird glare towards me. It wasn't a "shame on you" glare, but more of a "next time I hope it's me" look....
TL;DR, caught by an asian lady while masterbating in the backyard, gave me a weird glare, dog ate my semen
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Is she married?
nooberino123: That my friend I do not know.. which scares me..
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Dude. She wants the D. Go over there to apologize. Ask to come in. Close the door behind you. Afterwards ask if she was offended. Ask if she liked it (At least 2 balls required), then make your move. Worse case ontario she just says she's not that into you.
nooberino123: She's like 40 from what I see.. I'm 25...
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Don't wait until you are 40 to try a 40 year aged wine.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1403146891 | 1403197761 | t3_28ipf6 | t5_2to41 | 33 | stellarsatellite: TIFU by depressing an old man on his birthday
One of our regulars, a little old man in his eighties, came for his regular early morning swim today. I usually ask him what his plans for the day are once he hops out of the pool, and usually he's very cheery ("I'm going to finish planting my vegetable garden today!", "I have an art class this afternoon!", "I think I'm going to go see a movie!", those kinds of things). Today, he answered my question with "Well, it's my 85th birthday today."
I, perhaps too loudly and with too much enthusiasm, said "Happy Birthday! I had no idea! Are your kids taking you out anywhere?"
"...my son died a few years ago, so no, unfortunately."
"Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that!" This is where I should have ended. I should have said "Do you have any special plans?", maybe recommended a good movie, or offered him a birthday hug, anything. But my overly cheery lizard brain kick, hellbent on continuing down this path.
"Are your grandkids doing anything for you then?"
"No, I don't have any."
I knew I had reached the point of no return. Something awful in me took over, screaming **IT'S TOO LATE NOW, FOLLOW THIS RABBIT HOLE RIGHT TO HELL!!**, and I asked "How about your wife?"
"She's passed away."
"Well, how about your friends?"
"I don't really have any anymore. I've outlived them all I guess."
"What about siblings?"
"...they're all gone too."
"Nieces? Nephews? Anyone?"
"One niece, she's in prison down east. I only saw her once when she was a kid."
Finally, his increasingly sad expression broke whatever sadistic trance took over me, and I returned to my sanity. My heart sank. "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know, I just wanted to see if you had anything birthday plans. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, you didn't know." There were almost tears in his eyes.
"Umm...well, I hope you have a happy birthday, still."
"Thanks, I'll try I guess" he said quietly as he shuffled towards the changerooms. I've felt like a psychotic asshole all day.
TL;DR: Enthusiastically reminded an elderly man everyone he loved is dead as a birthday present at 6:30 in the morning.
UPDATE: I made him a batch of shortbread cookies when I got home yesterday, got a nice box for them and a card, and took them over. A few of the other regulars were wondering why I was in on my day off and I told them, no one had any idea what his situation was since he's always been super quiet and no one thought to ask. Got a few extra signatures before I gave it to him, and he was very happy to get the gift and tried to apologize if he had upset me but I told him I couldn't accept that since he obviously had a lot on his mind and needed someone to listen for a few minutes. One of the other old guys said he'd check and see if he wanted to go out for breakfast after their swim, hopefully he'll mage a few new friends out of this!
Mmmeliss: Take him to lunch. You'll both feel better.
stellarsatellite: I would, but I literally don't have free time lately, even for my family. I made him a batch of cookies though, and one of the other old dudes was going to see if he wants to go for breakfast after their swim!
| 3 | 11 | |
1403143771 | 1403214641 | t3_28ikyk | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU By texting a random number
I'm suppose to be studying for exams right now, but I just found this subreddit, and I thought I'd share a story that happened to me when I was 14. (This happened a long time ago, but I thought it was appropriate for a TIFU)
So anyways, a few years back, I had my first cell phone. I was obsessed with the thing, and I was always texting, and messing around with it (It was back when those slide phones with keyboards were the shit).
So after reading a few stories of people online texting random numbers, I decided to try it.
So stupid. fucking. me. decides to text a random number "I hid the body. Now what?".
I'd like to mention, again, I was 14, both of my parents were quite strict, (they were teachers for gods sake) and were already annoyed with me for whatever reason that night.
Another thing, was that there was a "Peeping Tom" in the neighbourhood, and we got notices about "if we see anything at night, call the police".
So here I am, 14 year old me, lying in bed, around 12:30 at night on a school night, not being able to fall asleep, having one of those nights where no matter what, you can't fall asleep, when I hear ***knock knock knock*** at the door.
Now, if I was smart, I would have looked out my window. But me being the dumbass I was, I decide to just go a little bit further under the covers, and ignore it, thinking it was the peeping tom or some shit.
Then again, ***knock knock knock***, and again, I ignore it. This goes on for about 5 minutes, when finally I realise they're not going to leave.
So I go to my parents room, and wake them up. After they start heading downstairs, I look out the window, and see a Jeep and a Police car, so at this point, I'm thinking "They probably saw the peeping tom on our street, and need to tell us something!".
So I go downstairs, and hear "Does the number XXX-XXX-XXXX belong to anyone in this household?" and my heart **sinks**.
I say yes, and then the police ask for my phone. I begin explaining it was just a prank, and they say that they had searched it up, and found out it was a common thing, and let me off with a warning.
But my parents were **PISSED.**
And guess what? Me being in grade 9... Guess who is the teacher of my first period class? That's right. MY MOM.
Needless to say, I didn't see my phone for a week, and my classmates had to deal with a restless pissed off teacher the next day.
rb612: Wait wait wait, your mom is your schoolteacher? Isn't that a conflict of interest?
Senidan: I Denmark it is not a problem. I don't know about other countries.
Future_Jared: Here in the US, it happened to some of my classmates. One classmate had his mom for 8th grade health class. She told him about STDs, along with 30 more of us students.
Senidan: [Awkward](http://www.captionite.com/templates/this_is_awkward.jpg) Not sure I would like my mom to teach me that. I certainly would not ask any questions.
[deleted]: You would if your arms were broken
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1403148659 | 1403280305 | t3_28is0a | t5_2to41 | 10 | tenXten: TIFU by starting to cook and eat right
So, I've started to really get into this whole Keto thing (thanks Reddit) blah, blah...you know the deal.
Well...last night I cooked some nice oily black pepper chicken and some steamed buttered broccoli--my favorite--then a bit of avocado before it went bad.
Good times! I ate, tapped the keyboard a bit...then watched Jimmy Kimmel until my body said "no".
This morning, did my usual routine and put my bulletproof coffee in my mug then headed out! Feeling good!
Got home this evening and the hallway in my building STUNK to high hell! Like the toilets all backed up and stayed. Today was 90+ degrees and unfortunately I have smelled a mid-summer's dead body before...but didn't want to jump to that conclusion. I just told myself to "stay calm" and "wait it out". [cuz if they're dead, they can wait a day or two]
Turned on the ceiling fan (sniff), tapped the keyboard, (sniff)....worked out (sniff). Fuck...i still smell it. "Let me flex my now slightly showing muscles a bit in the bathroom mirror" (next to the kitchen)----SNIFF!
FUCK! I LEFT THE REST OF THE BROCCOLI ON THE STOVE FROM LAST NIGHT!! IN THE 90+ DEGREE HOT APARTMENT!!!
I will now eat what I make or be sure to put the food up. [thx for reading my FU]
alexsavestheday: So, how'd you manage to get a whiff of a midsummer'a dead body smell?
tenXten: well...back in my old apartment, there was a pretty bad smell in the hallway of the floor that my apartment was on. It was the dead of summer and i thought (we all thought) it was some animal that got into the garbage chute and died. It wasn't.
The police one day banged on my door one hot day and asked if i knew my neighbor. "Nice guy, but barely.", I said. And after more questions about the deceased, I asked: "what happened?"
"well...apparently he had an 'alternative' lifestyle and brought someone back home with him. We are still investigating the situation. Thank you."
to my knowledge, this is still an unsolved case.
alexsavestheday: Thanks for finally delivering!!!
I've lost sleep over this
tenXten: Ha! NP... Glad you can finally rest.
alexsavestheday: Bedtime!
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1403151115 | 1403156268 | t3_28ivdj | t5_2to41 | 7 | spockywocky: TIFU by losing my phone
I'm not a gym rat by any means, but I like to work out. It was getting late, but I hadn't worked out in a while so I decided to head over to the gym around nine. Everything was going well and I hopped onto the treadmill to get the blood pumping before I started hitting the machines.
When I run, I like to listen to the *Wait wait, don't tell me* podcast on my phone. Well, when I run, my phone is of course in my pocket. Only this time, about 30 seconds into the show, I feel myself almost falling and being weighed down around my head. My phone is dragging me down while I'm running 7 mph.
Without thinking, I unplug my headphones from my phone and my phone goes flying. I have no idea where it went, even after searching for it.
iggloovortex: So the phone fell onto the treadmill? Also try looking under other equipment
spockywocky: Yeah, I don't know what happened. I looked around a bit, but since other people were running around me, I didn't want to disturb them and try to look under their treadmills as well.
I'm going to head there tomorrow and ask if I can look around or if anyone has seen it.
Teotwawki69: Check against the nearest wall behind the treadmill, and under machines near it. That's the most likely place it went.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403151522 | 1403204339 | t3_28ivv5 | t5_2to41 | 15 | mariustituss: TIFU at work by installing windows 8
I recently installed windows 8 on my computer and looked around all the new features; I logged into facebook using the facebook app, installed the e-mail app, and just generally messed around with the new OS. I decided I didn't like the full screen apps so I decided not to touch them anymore and I forgot about them.
Anyways, today I had to demo to some managers a tool that I have been working on for quite a while so that it could get submitted to higher ups for review. I'm demoing my tool by using a projector so that everyone can see. Everything was going well, managers were excited about tool features and were asking questions when suddenly a friend starts messaging me on facebook about how he is really mad about something that happened with his gf and starts using some select words... (n,c,f,a,mf,p, all of those nice words were used in describing certain people) and worst of all windows 8 posts all of these messages as a message overlay so now everyone is reading these beautiful messages. They stop for a second so I continue on with the presentation while ignoring the messages... and then they start again. One of the managers just walks out and then I pull the plug and apologize and quickly search how to turn off message overlay so I can finish the presentation.
Tl;DR : Windows 8 overlays messages during an important meeting presentation while some friend is messaging a bunch of non-work-friendly words.
[deleted]: I HATE WINDOWS 8
compiled: Well, Windows 8 hates you!
[deleted]: That is the feeling I get.
AnExtraordinaryEevee: Why don't you like it?
[deleted]: Honestly I just don't think I understand it well enough. AND I am not on a touch screen tab or laptop. The thing that pisses me off thee most.. is the skype. on my hp, the only way I can skype with my sister is via the damn app! and then I can't i.m. her..
I am too embarrassed I suppose to reach out for help, so I do the traditional ignorant thing... and dislike it.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1403150410 | 1403156208 | t3_28iue2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | sebbasttian: TIFU breaking reddit
This submission should be being made by /u/Deimorz after the reception of [the last change on reddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/announcements/comments/28hjga/reddit_changes_individual_updown_vote_counts_no/).
[This is a survey where you can express about this](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1H5_e-fZP9nWFQFHa9fIA6c6mrWcM1XOkFf7yNz_R5lo/viewform?%0Ausp=send_form)
And [here](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1H5_e-fZP9nWFQFHa9fIA6c6mrWcM1XOkFf7yNz_R5lo/viewanalytics?usp=form_confirm) are the results
<http://i.imgur.com/P7eBDCx.jpg>
callanrocks: What did he break?
sebbasttian: They hide the upvote and downvote numbers for submissions and comments. For submissions they are showing the percent who like the post and the sum of votes and for comments only the overall sum of the votes.
And that's a really bad idea for several reasons that are already very well commented on that thread. Please go there to find out more, they really fucked up this time.
callanrocks: I've read it but it doesn't sound like he broke the site, just made an unpopular and unnecessary feature.
sebbasttian: If you always take everything literal [you are gonna have a bad time](http://i.imgur.com/xoHMBdq.png) :P
callanrocks: I hope you know that is older than an entire generation of people and is still as awful as the day it was made.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1403140887 | 1403174510 | t3_28igjg | t5_2to41 | 3 | TheLuca: TIFU by submerging my phone
Ok, so I was in the bath texting my friend, and I put my phone down to change the water temperature. I hit my knee on the side of the tub and, recoiling in pain, fell back. What I didn't know was that I had knocked my phone into the bath water. I realized after about 2 seconds and desperately tried to dry it off, to no avail. I managed to text "SHIT" to my friend before the screen went dark. It's buried in the meager amount of rice I have now, I just hope it's not totally screwed, because I'm too broke to afford another one.
nintendomar: Can you give an update?
TheLuca: Still in bed at the moment. Will go check right now.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403152484 | 1404131097 | t3_28ix3e | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving myself erectile dysfunction
So I got this brilliant idea the other day to add an inch to my dick. Now I'm about 7 inches long but I wanted to be 8 so I looked up a routine which has you pull your dick in 5 different directions while performing kegels. I had never performed a kegel before in my life but I understand that you are supposed to tighten the pelvic area.
So I begin the routine and I'm stretching my dick out like taffy and doing 50 kegels with each direction. Unbeknownst to me , I'm not doing the kegels correctly. I'm tightening up the ass and scrotal sack muscles instead of the pelvic muscles and I'm stressing way too hard. Meanwhile, my dick is starting to get very numb from the stretching. So I do this for about 45 minutes and call it a day.
Now I get morning wood almost every day but today felt...off. I woke up and my entire crotch area was inflamed. I'm trying to get an erection but my penis is completely numb. My balls are numb. Even my anus is numb. I try to masturbate anyway. I don't feel anything but get a semi-chub going. I shouldn't have done that because I'm pretty sure I tore something. I call my date for the day and tell her I'm going to have to cancel.
It's been two weeks and I'm still not healed. Do not try to add inches to your dick.
CeauxViette: > I'm about 7 inches long
If you say so.
stickernipples: Why is that so hard to believe. Some of us have above average dicks
[deleted]: Because on Reddit, apparently you all do. Statistically, this seems unlikely.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403153041 | 1403241828 | t3_28ixsl | t5_2to41 | 5 | Helinickel: TIFU by leaving the window open...
TIFU So about 20mins ago me and the wife finished a pretty intense round of love making. Now I have to give you a little info on my wife, she's very loud and usually the people that live upstairs are home so she tries to keep it down but they are gone for the night:) so she gets pretty excited for these nights because she knows she doesn't have to keep the volume down if you know what I mean. Now this particular night my wife was a little extra frisky and wanted me to play with her asshole (which I gladly did) then she wanted me to cum on her tits which I did:) then right as she rolled over to grad the tissue she realized I never closed the window and all of our neighbours and their kids just heard her ask me to play with her asshole and cum on her tits haha. I imagine tomorrow is going to be a awkward day when I see them FML.
nhebert1987: Just tell them "You misheard her, she said fillet my bass whole and cumin her toast"
Helinickel: Lol that's gold man! So my wife got a awkward smile from our 50yr old male neighbour so people defiantly heard
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403153197 | 1403156669 | t3_28ixzo | t5_2to41 | 13 | Sam_MMA: TIFU by eating too many peanut butter cups.
School ended on Monday, so I figured I would take a few relaxation days. Today I sat around in my parents' room (their bed is so much comfier than mine) and watched Netflix on their TV eating peanut butter cups. Day well spent. I went around the rest of my day normally. I went to the pet store to buy a new bed for my bulldog and pick up a toy for him. Went home, and holy fuck. I felt a gurgle in my stomach and I was frozen in place. I felt something pushing it's way out of my asshole. I felt it squish between my legs. I waddled over to the bathroom, hoping I didn't shit my pants. I check my underwear. No shit. This is good. I look between my legs and it looks like Willy Wonka threw up down there. The insides of my thighs are covered in shit. *Great.* I sat down on the toilet and it was like I was pissing instead of shitting. Just pure liquid. I finish up, flush, then start to wipe. After about 5 minutes of cleanup, I look down and see some anal fluid has dripped onto the ground. *Fuck me.* Now I have shit water on the tile floor that I need to clean up. After I got that cleaned, I threw on a new pair of underwear, turned on the fan, and warned my family of the vile fumes that awaited them if they entered the bathroom.
**TL;DR: Ate too many peanut butter cups; had vile ass flooding.**
cannonman1863: Too many peanut butter cups? I refuse to believe there is such a thing. Your body was just over excited at the special treat.
Sam_MMA: Haha, I don't know man. That was the only thing I ate that day besides some mashed potatoes.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403155427 | 1403232630 | t3_28j0pb | t5_2to41 | 5,377 | MrBananaHump: TIFU by not masturbating (NSFW)
Its technically Thursday now where I live, but it did happen a couple of hours ago. Anyways, I recently discovered the subreddit /r/nofap . I read many of their success stories on not fapping and becoming more confident around women. I guess this happens because testosterone and hormones build up and primal instincts kick in more. So I thought id give it a shot, since I never know what to say to the pretty girl that keeps sitting next to me in one of my classes. After about a week of holding it in, I do realize a change, as my 19 year old hormone-enraged body is ready to fuck the nearest living thing. Finally after much contemplating, I get the balls to ask this girl out after class. To my surprise, she said yes, she even told me she had been waiting this whole time. After my little dance of victory, I realized that the mission was accomplished. So my horny self begins to think that since I already scored the date, I had no reason not to masturbate. But the problem was I was still inside the college. But i guess today I was so horny that I disregarded the fact of what a stupid idea masturbating in public is. I rushed to the bathroom, into a stall, and whipped my meat out and just went TO TOWN. I was so into it that even when i heard the bathroom door open i didnt stop, I just tried to keep it quiet.
This is the fucked up part. Since I always masturbate in my room with a tissue, I am kinda used to always unloading into the tissue. So without even realising that there is a toilet right in front of me, i quickly yank some toilet paper as I feel the end. I end up having one of the most intense orgasms ever, and im pretty sure I left a HUGE load in that tissue after a week of no fapping. Thats when I heard a voice next to me just kind whisper, "hey do you have an extra toilet paper roll on your side? If you could pass me some you'd be a real bro"
Suddenly i just see a hand peek out under the stall. Since I was so caught off guard, without even thinking about it, I PUT THE WAD OF PAPER I JUST USED IN HIS HAND. He quickly grabbed it and I started panicking since i realized what I had just done. Then, there was just silence, and i just heard a faint, "uhh what the fuck?"
So I got the fuck out of there as I bolted out before he could see me. but, hey, at least i got a date Friday.
TL;DR Handed some dude my cum
Edit: fell asleep after posting this, so I didn't get to answer your comments immediately. But I'll try to answer as many. I'm never going back into that bathroom.
Edit 2: some of you said the no fap thing is placebo, and I agree, but at least it worked. Also, a few you asked me to update on the date and to try to share this story. I will add an update tomorrow on how that pans out
OP is a fag edit: Im so sorry guys. I totally forgot about updating this until /u/destroyer5656 PM'd me. The date went okay. I did not tell her the story, I couldnt find the right way to present it. i didnt make it to a second date, but it gave me a huge confidence boost!
DeadpoolRules: So today you fucked up because you did masturbate. In a school
DrBrian: I refuse to believe that any guy with a college degree hasn't jerked it at school.
Jaclo: You may be assuming that everyone who goes to college has lived on campus at some point. I didn't and haven't.
DrBrian: No. I'm definitely not assuming that this only applies to guys living on campus.
Jaclo: In that case, the people you know need help controlling their compulsions.
mangleopolis: Hey man, sometimes you just need some release after seven fucking hours doing differentials.
cj2dobso: Statistical thermodynamics *shudder* I think I may have PTSD.
mangleopolis: Calculus destroyed my love of math. Wound up choosing a major where I have to do as little of it as humanly possible while still having a chance of finding work. ><
cj2dobso: Yeah I'm studying nano engineering. They decided to put 3 of our hardest courses in 1 term. Yay me.
mangleopolis: I'm so sorry.
cj2dobso: I'm sorry for you too friend, may calculus never hurt you again.
| 12 | 448.083333 | |
1403157418 | 1403158109 | t3_28j2v2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | supreme_dolan: TIFU by showing a summer camp class an dick on my iphone.
As i was getting ready to start my work in this summer camp with java and all that coding shit i took my iphone out to listen to one of my favorite bands "Death Grips" so i picked an album and listened away. I stretched my hands in the air for a good few seconds while holding my iphone, little did i know the album cover of the death grips album was the drummers cock, then it hit me....i just showed half my class and camp counselor a cock on my iphone. After like 3 min counselor was looking at me funny. No im not gay peeps.
showed my summer camp class a dick on my iphone 10/10 would not do again.
youdontwantthis: They shouldn't be a dick about it if it's just an album cover.
supreme_dolan: the thing is i doubt they knew it was an album cover to tbh all they saw was just the pic.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403161774 | 1403164603 | t3_28j71x | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by scaring the shit out of my GF
To start out I am a good actor, I want to be an actor, and I am the palest kid in my school with a very crooked smile. This is why I always get the parts in shows as the villain, giving me lots of experience with acting deranged. My girlfriend and I had a joke during the day about someone breaking into her house (she is terrified of home invasion, the context made sense, SHE created the joke) and it continued into the night. The joke was that a guy named Jack was going to break in, and I started acting like "Jack" and started acting crazy, pretending that I turned into Jack every time I hit my head. Acted it out so well that she started sobbing in terror, and was then afraid to hug me. All I did was stand in a spot and talk as "Jack" no talk of hurting her, no grabbing of any weapons, just acted it out and petrified her to the point she didn't want to come near me, or be in her house. The look of sheer terror and fear and her sobbing is still shaking me, six hours later.
xchange1206: That's one fucked up joke. O_O
Paradacsa: Well, I didn't realize I was actually scaring her until she started crying
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1403163657 | 1403280271 | t3_28j8po | t5_2to41 | 28 | DispencerW: TIFU by improperly reacting to my friend's coming out
I've known this friend in particular for about seven years, we drifted a part a little bit over the time but we've always kept in touch through some means. He came over yesterday to hang out, drink, play video games, and be a general nuisance, the norm for guys in their early 20's.
He'd been over for about three hours when he says to me: "Hey, <name>. I've been thinking about this for a long time and I think I'm ready to admit it. I'm gay, I like dudes."
Now I couldn't give two shits about someone's sexual preference, I was also whoopin' some serious ass in Mario Kart 8(priorities people!). So I respond with "K, whatever."
I haven't seen a man get so upset and seem to offended since I used to watch soap operas when my grandmother babysat me. I'm not a dumb person, I fully realize how big of a thing it can be to admit and how much of an ass I probably seemed when I said it. And how I threw oil on the flame when I started laughing because I thought he was being over dramatic(I blame the blue shells).
He's a great guy, a good friend, and I still feel like shit for it. Today I called and apologized profusely, he apologized for reading too much into it overreacting, and we're going to go see a movie on Saturday, my treat.
forgiv: Today you fucked up by not adding a tl;dr
jsommer3: Tl;dr: friend came out, was overly dramatic about lack of reaction from OP.
the irony in this humors me greatly
devals: Coming out can be a pretty big deal for many people, and a very difficult thing to do. The trend these days seems to be showing your support by not blinking, but the key word these people are overlooking is "support". It's cool that you're so cool with gay people that you "have no strong feelings one way or the other" regarding someone's sexuality, but someone else's coming out isn't really about you (and your open-mindedness) so much as it is about the person coming out.
OP's friend did a brave and trusting thing, and OP's response was pretty dismissive. I'd have been hurt by his reaction as well (especially when the reason for his distraction from his friend's big moment- and it is a big moment- was a *video game*. Really, was OP's friend being that over-dramatic, or was OP just being overly self-involved?). That said, it's nice that he rectified the situation. No more is needed.
jsommer3: I completely understand that it can take a lot of courage for someone to come out.....
But you can't (shouldn't) expect something specific from someone that is not communicated and get upset/hurt if they do not meet your undisclosed expectations.
Maybe OP's friend assumed/expected OP to react in a manner where he was super excited about the "news" and pour out his support. ..... But maybe OP assumed that his frIend would know that he'd support his friend, that this "news" wouldn't change anything between them. ?
DispencerW: I've since learned, from a third party, that his father took the news very poorly, not throw him out poorly but close. I'm thinking this may have had something to do with his reaction, but that's something he can bring up if he so chooses.
I want to believe that he just went into the conversation expecting the worst and reacted without hearing what I said, he didn't ask for any confirmation or even a "what" he just went straight into it.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1403168747 | 1403198067 | t3_28jd0e | t5_2to41 | 90 | mypenishurtsbad: TIFU by getting a blowjob NSFW
It was a usual day. Playing games and watching TV with my girl, then we get horny and she wants to suck my dick.
It was going pretty normal until I couldn't cum. Something was up and I didn't know why it took so long, but everything seemed fine. As she was done she saw that her sharp teeth was brushing against my frenulum and it was really red on certain areas around my head. She bit my penis.
Its now a week later and my foreskin can't be pulled back, its secreting this disgusting white creamy smelly liquid and the foreskin and frenulum is red and inflamed as fuck. I think it's infected. FML
Tl;Dr: my girlfriend bit my dick
SaddamHugeVein: Definitely can't be fixed that.
-source-
Trust me I'm a doctor.
TOTES_A_DOCTOR: ^Can confirm
WhatUpO: You and your username FTW. **Standing Ovation**
| 4 | 22.5 | |
1403163666 | 1403191192 | t3_28j8pz | t5_2to41 | 5 | ARKB1rd44: TIFU by being impatient and not letting my phone connect to wifi.
Not much to it I suppose. With my jailbroken iPhone I have the ability to connect to wifi using command center. It normally takes a few seconds before switching over to wifi. Load up YouTube and watch a 3 minute video. After watching a that video I realize that I'm no longer on wifi. Did I mention the part where I'm at 1020 megabytes out of a possible 1024? Well now I'm 15 megabytes over my limit. Tomorrow we will see how much I have to pay. Did I also mention on June 19 the my data resets; too bad it happened before.
Right now your probably typing "oh wow what a dumbass and overage fees aren't expensive. Don't you have a job?" Or something along the lines of that. Well the problem is I'm not sure the rates for going over my monthly limit. The last time I went over it cost me $40 CAD for 2 megabytes. Yaaaaaaay for shitty Canadian cell phone companies.
Edit: called the company today and they said it should be only a $10 CAD charge.
Fiela: Don't worry OP. It's only Canadian money.
ARKB1rd44: When your broke everything is suddenly more expensive.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403170314 | 1403170620 | t3_28jeau | t5_2to41 | 5 | ieatfetuses: TIFU by losing my virginity to a fat girl
I recently broke up with a girl I was in a short relationship with. As a horny young male, I decided to look for more girls to talk to. I used a dating app to connect with girls near me. I found a girl who lived in my neighborhood and talked to her for a few days then scheduled a date. I took her to dinner a few nights later (two days ago). Her weight put me off a little but I was desperate enough to deal with it. Today, I invited her over to my place before I went to work. I put on a movie and soon after we started making out. Things started to heat up quickly when I slipped her the finger. Needless to say, we ended up having sex. I enjoyed it at the time but I regret it looking back.
Agallujah: How is this a fuck up exactly?..
Apollan: Because holding out for a girl you find attractive and are emotionally attatched to is about a million times better?
inb4 fat girls are beautiful too
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403168196 | 1403181401 | t3_28jcjh | t5_2to41 | 15 | AWildPlotTwistApperd: TIFU by playing music at a party and setting my bag too far away, Reddit.
The backstory: I play in a small, for-fun band with my friends called "Destiny's Embrace," a nod to a great KH fanfic I read. There was a party today and the host "recruited" us to play today. Thinking it was a great way to get our name out there, we decided to.
The party: err' thing is going great, the band decides to start the show. I was a little nauseated, but I thought I could endure just fine. So I settle into the chair and pick up the guitar, the party-goers shouting and what-not. Now, mind you, I'm not someone with stage-fright, seeing as to how I also do acting, but I guess all of the noise really got to me. We start playing, and my stomach begins to grumble. My saliva starts to have a noticeable taste; a sure fire sign for me that some chunder is going to be spewed.
The fuck-up; As we were reaching the end of our song, the crowd began to close in on us. I hit the last note and let it ring; then the crowd just fucking **BUM-RUSHES** us. I reach for the bottle of Dramamine (which I keep in my gig-bag because this nausea happens often) but the crowd moves far too fast. Now, this isn't entirely bad; sometimes I've passed just fine by sitting still for a while. But no; the crowd is hoisting us up on their shoulders and shit, and the sudden motion threatens to force the mush in my guts to spew forth like a man on a 12 year dry spell. Note that I'm still clutching my guitar since I'm too high to set it on it's stand. Whoever has me by the center mass begins to fucking bounce me as if I were their 3-month old nephew, and....yep; ya guessed it: I'm fucking puking EVERYWHERE. On the party-goers, on my band mates, and (financially) worst of all my guitar. The beautiful instrument cost me near $400 dollars and (was) my main source of income other than this shitty job I work at a 7/11. Now, it wouldn't be much of a problem if the ports weren't exposed, but during the commotion someone must have stepped on the patch cord and tore it out. I'm throwing up INTO my guitar and all over people, and whoever supported my weight drops me like an ugly baby. I fall, puke-tar in hand, and I land on my left side; effectively on my guitar, smashing it. I now have to work over time to replace the guitar I've owned since I was 14.
Edit: fine, fine, tldr goes last. Just did that as an "in-case you're busy but want to pity someone" thing. So:
TL;DR I puked inside of my first, most expensive guitar that I have held since I was 14 at a party, on top of party goers.
hyperzen: Weed helps with nausea.
AWildPlotTwistApperd: Gee, whiz, man. I think if I were tripping I'd be too busy laughing at all the floating bunnies than playing the guitar....
[deleted]: You don't "trip" on weed. You feel a little different, but you shouldn't be seeing stuff.
AWildPlotTwistApperd: Well, I dunno wtf people have been giving me then....
[deleted]: I have heard edibles can give you minor hallucinations, but not much. So if you hallucinate a lot from weed it probably has something else in it.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1403171293 | 1403201803 | t3_28jf1p | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping my girlfriend wax.
So my girlfriend came to visit me after 6 weeks (we do long-distance). We had dinner, caught up with a few shows and it was time to sleep. Now this is where she goes on to tell me how she needs to go to the beauty salon to get her eyebrows done.
To which, my stupid response was "yea, your eyebrows look pretty thick". Casual boyfriend tip - never ever say that. My girlfriend must have gotten conscious as she keeps herself pretty well and starts to panic immediately. She jumps straight out of the bed and heads towards her bag where she keeps some waxing strips. (yea she keeps extra waxing strips in her bag, no idea if thats normal or not).
She heads straight to the mirror and starts to open the waxing strips. She could not wait until tomorrow and I don't own any tweezer, so the waxing strip was the only thing that she could use. Her game plan was to barely touch the strip to the eyebrow so she doesn't end up with a bald patch.
This is where I fucked up, I volunteered myself to do the waxing as I thought i could do a better job. I go on and touch the waxing strip to her eyebrow barely, however, the barely was apparently a bit too much. I had a feeling it was a bit too much, but all I could do was pray to the almighty lord of eyebrows and hope it all goes well.
It didn't.
She ended up with a few countable hair above her left eye and no sex happened in the house that night.
TL;DR - Volunteered to shape girlfriend's eyebrow with a waxing strip, ended up with her having a mini monobrow on one side of the face.
PS: She now wears really big sunglasses - even indoors.
kabs977: Never mess with a womans body lol
iggloovortex: unless you're absolutely sure you know what you're doing. waxing is the last thing I'd attempt, though I fiddle with hair
iamthejed: I know how to make a braid.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1403165660 | 1403197625 | t3_28jagx | t5_2to41 | 8 | tacomalvado: TIFU by stubbing my toe
Fuck throwaways, I have no shame! I would also like to apologize in advance for any potential formatting issues, I'm on mobile and will fix them tomorrow.
It all started when I decided to bake bread last night at 2am like an idiot. When I woke up, I was quite groggy and bumping into everything. I was about to take a shower, when I noticed that I forgot a towel, so I went across the hall to get one. The hall is very narrow, and full of boxes because despite living in my apartment almost 4 years, I'm still not fully unpacked.
As I turned the corner to get to where towels are kept, I stubbed the pinky toe on my left foot. This is actually a regular occurrence in my home, but this time was different. The pain was binding. My brother, the only other person in the house, heard me through his headphones repeatedly shouting "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" I looked down, and saw my toe red and bent in half. I yelled out to my brother "I think I broke my toe!" Suddenly I couldn't stay on my feet. The last thing I thought to myself before I blacked out was "I feel lightheaded."
Everything started dark, then out of nowhere I started experiencing the obelisk sequence from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then I started hearing these incoherent echoes. It felt like this went on for years.
Suddenly, I came to, and everything looked and sounded fuzzy. I could barely make out my brother standing over me with his phone is his hand. Turned out I passed out, and hit the back of my head with one of the boxes. My brother saw me lying there in my underwear not moving. He asked me if I was ok. I didn't move, but I started snoring. He didn't want to move me in case I had broken my neck or something. He shouted at me to wake up a couple times before he went to call an ambulance. He shouted one last time at me, and that's when I woke up.
He asked me if I was ok, but I still couldn't form words. I tried to get up, but I could barely sit up. Everything was fuzzy and I heard a lot of white noise. Eventually I said that I was ok and asked how long I had been out. He said about a minute. I told him I could've sworn it had been years. He laughed, and lent me a hand to get up, but I still didn't have control over most of my muscles. Unfortunately, this also meant my bladder. I started to piss myself. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't control it. As my brother watched me try to get up like a newborn baby deer, he laughed his ass of and told me what happened in my passed out minute. I finally got enough control to crawl to my bed. I flopped on there, making sure to lie on my dry side so I didn't cover my bed in urine. I looked down at my toe and saw it popped back to its normal place, but it was purple. I checked to see if I could move it and felt for a break. It was painful, but my toe felt normal. I figured I just dislocated it and probably pinched a nerve, hence the pain.
Finally, I told my brother "l peed myself." Of course, he laughed harder and told me I was gonna clean whatever puddle I left. When he made sure I was ok, he went back to his room.
It's a good thing I didn't have anything to do, because it was another two hours before I could shower. I was really lightheaded, and couldn't stand on my left foot. I still cleaned the piss of myself and the floor, and showered as soon as I could stand for a few minutes.
My best friends came over a few hours later, and I showed him my toe and told him everything that happened. He noticed it was really swollen and asked if I had been icing it. It hasn't occurred to me to do that since it's just a toe. He's been making me ice it for about an hour on and off now. [It still looks bad](http://imgur.com/c1yatDg), but not as bad before. Three pain had been bad, but survivable. I'm also still really lightheaded and the white noise is on and off. I'm pretty sure I have a concussion. My phone is the only reason I can spell anything on here.
**TL;DR:** I should have unpacked those damn boxes years ago.
JerseyDevl: >I'm also still really lightheaded and the white noise is on and off. I'm pretty sure I have a concussion. My phone is the only reason I can spell anything on here.
I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm thinking maybe you should go to the hospital instead of posting on reddit
tacomalvado: Nah, I've had concussions before, and this one was pretty mild. I just needed to sleep it off. Contrary to popular belief, sleep is actually good for a concussion since the brain needs rest after an injury.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403173941 | 1403267958 | t3_28jh8x | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my boyfriend I talked with my ex
I work in a crisis center and people with problems call up here. One of those calls was from my ex-boyfriend. We never talk, we never contact each other, we don't even have our cell phone numbers, but somehow he managed to contact me at work. He said he needed to ask me a favor: If it was OK if I could take his cat for 10 days. I said I don't know, but I gave him two numbers: The Humane Society and a vet with boarding service. I told him in case they aren't able to help him, to call me back. He out of nowhere suggested if we could talk, because he had problems with his wife and needed someone to talk with. I hesitated and at the end I said OK, we can talk at the resource center, where there are offices and a common area.
Before this, I was upset with my boyfriend because of some misunderstandings. He wasn't talking to me and I wasn't either for a couple of days, but it didn't mean we were breaking up or we were free. TIFU by not letting my boyfriend know before hand that my ex was gonna come over to the crisis center to talk to me.
Ex came over, we seated in the common area. We talked for an hour about his problems. He showed me a picture of his son and his cat. I offered him a number where he could call someone who could help him better. After that I decided it was time for him to leave and I walked him to the main door. He left. No more than that happened. I am in a relationship and I honor my boyfriend.
Because of that, I immediately called my boyfriend and told him. We talked about the misunderstanding problem first and then I told him about what happened with ex. He was very upset because I didn't tell him beforehand but after. He has a point. But now he is accusing me of carrying out plans to fool him, to deceive him. He says I'm no longer honorable and that he has lost respect over me, because I should have told him first, not after. We were going to go to a concert in Vegas next weekend but now he wants to cancel because in that way "I"ll learn."
I feel so sad and empty. That's how IFU.
UPDATE: I wanna thank EVERYBODY for your taking the time to give me your insight.
We haven't talked yet but I feel the right thing to do is to break up. Thanks to all. :)
vulporion: Sounds to me like your boyfriend is a tad insecure in your relationship with him... but him cancelling the Vegas concert is just a big dick move. Imo you did absolutely nothing wrong. Grab a friend and go to Vegas without him. There's no reason for you not to enjoy the experience. :)
Your_Profit_Prophet: The funny thing is you probably think yourself as a good person.
LordofthePit666: There was no reference to himself in the post (that I noticed) that seems like a pretty unnecessary judgement.
Your_Profit_Prophet: Giving retarded directions is unnecessary. The judge is common sense. The consequence is being told you are fucking stupid and that people like you are morally bankrupt.
LordofthePit666: I said nothing about consequences, directions or judges. Are you schizophrenic?
Your_Profit_Prophet: You lack of comprehension and that makes me schizophrenic? Thats the problem with reddit I think, too many idiots who think they are clever.
Edit: PS: cry more faggot.
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1403175850 | 1403176689 | t3_28jj03 | t5_2to41 | 4 | bacon_cake: TIFU by deleting an important file right before my week off
So I didn't shit on my father in laws head, or get trapped inside an anus like most good stories here, but I did ruin the start of my holiday, and here's how:
I work for a small retail business with about 8 employees and while I practically run the entire business I finally manged to secure a week off (first time in a long time).
As my week off covered the end of the month I needed to get the payroll done before I left. I opened the payroll spreadsheet on my USB drive and as I did my boss remarked that he would have no way of viewing it while I was gone as I kept my memory stick at home. No biggie I thought, I'll show him where I keep the backup on the work PC.
At this point I had two windows open G:/Payroll and C:/Backup/Payroll. I decided that now would be the best time to update the backup to reflect the actual payroll I would be submitting. The back-up was only a week or two old but we had had new staff join since then, old staff leave, training hours to pay, overtime, time-off etc etc. The point is it was our busiest time of the year and the back up was, for all intents and purposes, useless.
I ctrl + A'd the backup folder and deleted the wages files to copy over the recent files from the USB drive. Except I didn't. I deleted the entire up-to-date payroll files from my personal drive and was left with only shitty out-of-date payroll that didn't even have our latest staff's names on it let alone accurate hours for this month OR for the rest of the year.
Guess how I'm starting my time off?
tl;dr - Deleted the up-to-date payroll file instead of the out-of-date backup and ruined the start of my holiday
Like I said, not a major FU but pretty shitty nonetheless.
IIBit: You can use a data recovery program.
bacon_cake: No luck, it was apparently "unrecoverable" according to recuva.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403177895 | 1403237076 | t3_28jky7 | t5_2to41 | 69 | kinda_alone: [Meta] A shitty compromise
First of all, congrats everyone. We just passed 500,000 subscribers!
Secondly, the two week temporary ban on self-defecation posts is over. When the rules were implemented, we talked about the possibility of having a discussion and then a vote on what to do about the genre. Unfortunately it has come to our attention that this will not be possible. Conversations with the admin team revealed that an unusual large number of alternate accounts were used to skew the votes in the initial post. There is just no way to ensure a fair vote in a sub this big. From comments in that post and messages to the mod team, it is clear that many users have strong opinions on both sides of the issue. The mod team has debated and designed this compromise:
* Posts involving self-defecation will continue to stay banned; however, once a week, we will encourage self-defecation posts. Future self-defecation posts will be limited to "Shat Myself Saturdays" (courtesy of /u/eightNote).
* All other posts in the shit genre are hereby unbanned.
Some reasonings behind these rule changes:
1. There is no way to hold a fair and honest vote. One of the sides could easily manipulate it.
1. The sub will continue to have variety and will not be flooded with self-defecation posts on a daily basis.
1. Many of the above mentioned posts are indeed hilarious, and it would be a shame to ban them completely.
1. Self-defecation posts had an important role in the growth of the sub, so it is only natural that they receive their own day.
1. You cannot spell Saturday without the word turd.
1. Apparently the entire mod team is 12 because we all thought that was hilarious.
We hope that both groups of subscribers recognize the reasons why concessions had to be made, and we hope both groups are happy with the way we addressed various concerns. Understandably, there will be some people who feel upset about this rule, we ask that you try to understand that, due to being unable to hold a vote, we had to somehow please both groups. We would love to hear thoughts, ideas, and questions about the compromise in the comments below. **We ask that you stick to the topic being discussed. Off topic comments will be removed.**
We will try to answer as many of the comments as we can over the next couple of days. Due to our various real world jobs, it may take us awhile to get to your comment. We ask for your patience.
Finally, remember to give OP the benefit of the doubt. This is supposed to be fun, so no need to say how you think a story was fake etc.
Thank you,
The modteam
odiro: We need a sexual Friday fuckup after the shit posts got removed the sexual post have pretty much taken over this subreddit and is making the quality of content arguably bad and don't add anything to this community.
kinda_alone: The difference between the sexual posts and the shit posts is that there have been a lot of people asking for us to do something about the shit posts. If other people also start mentioning how they do not care for the sexual ones, it will be something that we address.
odiro: Your answer is pretty good but i feel that lately the most posts that have been on the subreddit have been about sex or something sexual but who knows it could just be a trend or it might continue only time will tell.
But i feel that the more interesting TIFU are getting less and less attention then the typical OMG i forgot to lock my door and (insert random person) saw me fapping
kinda_alone: You're not the first that has mentioned this. It is definitely something we are going to watch and discuss.
odiro: Thanks for you quick answer and whatever happens i hope you all do what you feel is right.
kinda_alone: Sorry for a not so quick answer this time. Anyway, keep up the input. It helps us a lot.
| 7 | 9.857143 | |
1403182985 | 1403197411 | t3_28jqcz | t5_2to41 | 4 | Agracho: TIFU by putting Kefir instead of Milk
I was making some strawberries with milk,just removing the leaves washing etc.
Then i filled the bowl with milk... that's what i thought,until i saw that the milk looked expired,but it didn't really bother. I only had kefir by that time and never remembered...
*the worst part is that I ATE the whole thing...after eating i realized that i had no milk...*
kinda_alone: For the lazy: [kefir](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kefir)
[deleted]: >*fermented*
go no further
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403182063 | 1403284902 | t3_28jpb0 | t5_2to41 | 229 | KindaOfficial: TIFU by streaming porn on the TV while my parents were watching
Well i don't know how but this is the second time in a month i fucked up so bad i feel the urge to write a tifu post.. I don't know how i reached so far in life with all the stupid mistakes I do. Anyway Ill give you some background before i start. Nice beautiful evening me and the family were watching some movies on the apple tv and i was horny as fuck after the movie finished and i had to go fap, i knew it wouldn't take that long and it wouldnt be suspicious cause i cant hold it in for too long (maybe I shouldn't share this but oh well), i said i had to go pee. Went in the toilet, sat down, got my hotdog out, typed xvideos.com with my hands shaking on my phone, clicked on a random video (that turned out to be shemale porn) and got ready, it didn't start immediately and the airplay logo showed up and i heard some screams.. It took me a while and then i realised.. fuck i was mirroring porn from my phone to the TV, i panicked, closed the porn and everything on my phone,pulled my pants up, tried to zip and no, my hotdog got stuck on the zipper, i cried like no man ever cried before. I had to man up and I swallowed my tears, i run downstairs and surprisingly calm i asked what happened. My dad looked at me and told me that somebody was streaming porn on their TV! Good, they didn't think their horny 16 year old was the pervert streaming the porn. I tried explaining that a neighbour decided to joke after finding our wifi password and decided to hideously stream porn on our apple TV. Everybody agreed and we changed the wifi password and continued watching tv. I was so relieved yet scared, what if they knew it was me and they just didn't want to make it awkward? What did they think of the shemale porn? And yeah thats my second fuck up in a month, hopefully i don't come back with a third one..
SecondTalon: >what if they knew it was me and they just didn't want to make it awkward?
They know.
KindaOfficial: well.. fuck
SecondTalon: Eh, not really.
You're.. what, 16? They have internet. They let you have a device that connects to the internet.
**They already knew you watched porn**. Because you have a pulse. Male, female, doesn't matter - you're a teenager with an internet connection, your parents either know you look at porn or they're in a coma.
They *could* just push the knowledge that their child probably watches pornography on the tablet device to the part of their mind where they can ignore it because they aren't confronted by it and don't have to think about it. And if they don't think about it it doesn't exist **problem solved stop talking**.
You kinda screwed the balance there with the whole "Stream it to the TV" as now they not only know you watch porn, but they know what you're in to.
They're still willing to keep the peace by agreeing that it's totally the neighbor's fault, and the WiFi password was changed *and that's the end of that* **so we will never speak of it again**.
KindaOfficial: Well you have a point, they already saw mexican midget porn on my computer before, i guess i shouldn't freak out THAT much
PeacefulBadass: I would give you a pornhub video where famous pornstars look at what people search in there.there is some fucked up shit,but I don't think you need any of those suggestions :p
MoTeD_UrAss: Op may not but I definitely do.
PeacefulBadass: http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1025156889
MoTeD_UrAss: Awesome thanks a million.
| 9 | 25.444444 | |
1403182945 | 1403280788 | t3_28jqbd | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by recognizing my phlebotomist at the Dr's Office
So I grew up in this city. I get that I'm going to run into people I know from time to time. But this was just weird...seriously weird. This city has over 1.3 million people so why do I keep running into the most random people from my past?
TIFU by recognizing the phlebotomist at the doctors office. I went in for routine blood work - cholesterol, thyroid function and liver stuff...all the stuff that I've had slight issues with in the past and needs to be checked regularly. The phlebotomist calls me back to her office and makes small talk in the hallway. Immediately I know that I know her. I mean I am good with faces though admittedly she looked a lot heavier than the person I remember (not a judgment call at all, just noting it *could* have been someone else).
We get back to her office and I finally just straight up ask her "hey I'm sorry to be rude but what is your name?" She tells me. I ask her what her last name is. She tells me. "We went to high school together didn't we?" I ask. "Yes and we went to middle school together."
Ok so at this point all is well. We are making small talk about high school (*where admittedly I remember knowing her...middle school is mostly a blur). Then she tells me she has three kids...all girls. I tell her I've got three boys. I make the routine joke I always make when asked about girls - that I am terrified of having daughters because of how notorious a womanizer my older brother was (is).
That is when hell breaks loose. She gets all red in the face and tells me my brother is a scumbag. That she knew him and that he was just the biggest a-hole on the planet. So I walk right into this eyes closed and say "oh you know my brother?" To which she replies "know your brother? I FUCKED your brother."
Mic drop
She then proceeds to tell me how my brothers Big Daddy tattoo (yes he's an idiot) was not only wrong, but false advertising. Yep, my phlebotomist who is brandishing a needle is a scorned former lover of my brother who was proceeding to insult his dick size to me, his unsuspecting and completely not involved brother.
I try to be as polite as I can because 1) I know my brother is an asshole to women (we call him a tornado...blows into town, sucks some poor girl into his vortex and lays waste and destruction then disappears forever) and 2) this is really really bad because she's got a sharp implement and is capable of hurting me with it.
I have never run out of the doctor's office so quickly in my life. The worst part was when she started telling me how good I looked after all these years and how "if it werent for her having a baby 7 months ago, she wouldn't be so heavy" (which was a bold faced lie since she clearly didn't pack on all of that weight from one baby and if she did than I wouldn't even be mad...that would be amazing). After she's been bashing my brother and telling me he has a tiny dick she is now hitting on me. Relentlessly.
TL:DR - TIFU by recognizing my phlebotomist who ended up being a scorned former lover of my brother's. She proceeded to insult his dick size and then hit on me before I ran away.
Edit: grammar before the nazis get me.
PearlBeautee: Not cool and very unprofessional on her part. This her FU not yours.
drdeadringer: > This her FU not yours.
I read this wrong the first time; it sounded odd, so I re-read and got it right the second time around.
How I read it the first time: "It's MY fuck you, mine! It's never been your fuck you! Ever! Fuck you!"
| 3 | 2 | |
1403184109 | 1403219441 | t3_28jrv2 | t5_2to41 | 87 | ClassyTurkey: TIFU By sharing my Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape with my friend...
So many of you may know the outcome of this story just by reading the title.
**Backstory**
>Yesterday, I decided to while at my local gas station to pick up some gum. I had a nostalgia moment and picked up some Bubble Tape gum. Oh the joy...
Fast Forward to today, while at work today my friend stops in my office and we start talking about plans for the weekend. While doing this I actually start working on something important for my boss, so I start to ignore my friend. (I know I'm a terrible friend) My friend sees my gum on my desk and asks if he can have some. Not caring I tell him sure and continue working.
He places the gum back down closed and says he will talk to me later about making plans. I saw sure and continue working.
Later that day I decide I want some gum so I grab my Hubba Bubba and open it...
**There is a huge bite right in the middle of my Hubba Bubba Tape.**
I thought people only did this on 4chan or reddit for people to rage, not to actually do it to someone. IDK if he and I can be friends anymore...
**TL;DR: Bought Hubba Bubba Bubble tape and friend took a bit out of the center... I can't trust him anymore.**
>EDIT: Fixed a typo
MachuPickachu: That's just sick, I mean why would someone do that?
ClassyTurkey: It actually really pissed me off. I talked to him afterwards and he thought it would be a funny joke...
[deleted]: I think it was a great joke
thatlazydude: Satan? That you?
| 5 | 17.4 | |
1403183936 | 1403187953 | t3_28jrni | t5_2to41 | 8 | babyjesuz: TIFU By being creepy as f*ck at the gym
Here's how it is, Here's how it's supposed to be. I'm a virgin, I'm eighteen, I'm fit, I'm ready, I'm rock hard, pitching a tent, you know how the going goes. Once you take the leap of faith, once you start walking up to her, it's go time. Act like a bro, feel like a bro, broseidon king of the brosians.
That's at least how I thought it over while I was imagining my discussion with her, what really happened was, is this.
So I enter the gym, scanner sweeping for possible mating partners. Holy moly, radar is catching some major action at the squat racks. Ol'righty, walk in with the walk of a champion, do some warm up exersises. That are really just a excuse to flex my, sub-par muscles. Throughout this interaction, I glance at her frequently, everytime she looks back at me, I pretend I wasn't looking because I don't wana be creepy. I'm warming up real good. I can tell she's mirin' hard at my serious alpha radiation. Throughout the exercises I kinda do exercises close to her. To you know, maybe she might need help with something and le euphoric gentleman might help her (fedora' tip), you never know if she might engage the interaction. For some reason, I feel as if she's always kinda far away from me, So I try my best and work out even closer to her, but she distances herself more! What a coincidence, she picks exercises that move her around the place! I'm gonna do workouts even closer to her. I always leave one machine between us and just pick the one next to her. So this kinda turns into a cat mouse game, Oh, she's good. She wants to play prey, and she wants me to be the lion. I see where this is going, meow. She goes to the place where people stretch after workout AKA pussy checkout. You know it's go time now. I sit so there is one mattress between us, You know, so it's not creepy. Because if I'd stretch next to her or say hi or something, that would be creepy! ... But why isn't she saying nothing, She's just stretching. She just wants me to do everything, women nowadays.
Think Rodger, THINK! Ok, I'm gonna point out how the mattresses are soft. And then say something really cool, ok, breathe Rodger, breathe... I take look at her before I speak, she glances at me. I stutter out some crap "hnmpf! ...", We both look away from eachother, The silence that follows for the next 3 seconds feels like an age, she's looking into the opposite direction doing some stretch probably in overload over my alpha status. I say, "hey!" , She just looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "Ever notice how the mattresses are soft and nice. " I squeeze out a short laugh to lighten her mood, she doesn't even try. She just stands up and leaves.
Meh, 5.0/10 would not bang anyways.
witchling_22: This is the most pathetic tifu I've ever read. Kid, you need to seriously work on your game. Seriously.
iggloovortex: It can be rough. I myself am smooth as fuck with people I have no intent of doing anything with, males and females, and I'm a straight male. I always get hit on by guys, and sometimes I end up leading them on haha.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403182565 | 1403201690 | t3_28jpw7 | t5_2to41 | 99 | FireTigerThrowdown: TIFU by reading TIFU at work
So it's lunchtime, and I've taken my lunch a little later. I'm eating away and browsing TIFU on my computer, since we're allowed to browse the internet during lunch hours. Then my boss walks by, says I'm reading 'absolute filth' and vows to talk to me later.
EDIT: I ought to point out that my boss is an elderly woman who I'm fairly certain enters the world through the front page of the Daily Mail every morning.
mgphall: TIFU by reading TIFU about someone reading TIFU about someone on TIFU.
iamthejed: Can confirm, reading TIFU at work about someone reading TIFU whilest at work.
mikexsweat: can also confirm that I am also at work reading TIFU
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1403187652 | 1403202661 | t3_28jwu1 | t5_2to41 | 7 | nachocheeselov3r: TIFU by asking my bf to call me
So the bf is going to EDCLV this weekend with his older brother and friends. I told him to go ahead and have a great time but preferably do not forget my existence. I then requested that we try speak on the phone once a day to verify that he's still alive.
SILENCE
He freaked out saying he couldn't promise anything. That he could text me but he wasn't willing to step outside the room for 2 minutes to give me a call. And then said that I was being too clingy and too attached. And then proceeded to hang up on me.
Am I losing my mind here or is he correct?
Side note, he's 21, not a child.
UnstableFlux: 21 is still a child. Just a child who can legally drink. Also this isn't he proper sub for this, as this isn't an advice sub. Try /r/askmen or /r/askwomen
nachocheeselov3r: Will do, thanks!
holdthecup: How long have you guys been together?
nachocheeselov3r: 3 months
holdthecup: Still a young relationship. Use this situation, and how he has handled it, to gauge what kind of partner he's likely to be a year from now though.
bashfulcity: Off bat, you probably shouldn't take him serious after that conversation.
| 7 | 1 | |
1403187271 | 1403189030 | t3_28jw9k | t5_2to41 | 2 | yogiscott: TIFU By Watching the Movie, Blade Runner
After dinner, I decided to retire to the bedroom and watch something on the Roku while relaxing before bedtime. I logged into Amazon Prime and checked out the recently added movies. There it was Blade Runner. Holy shit! How did I miss a Blade Runner Remake? I selected the movie without a second thought and settled in. My first thought, was Cool, they're even using similar graphics as the original. Then I was trying to determine who the main character was, because he had a stark resemblance to a young Harrison Ford. An almost uncanny identical resemblance. Then, I was thinking, "I thought Coca-Cola was done with the in-movie ads" This movie totally reminded me of the 80's. Even the way the future was depicted in 80's movies was similar. Smoke every god damned where, trash on every corner and always raining. Then I started putting two and two together about halfway through the movie. GOD DAMNIT! I realized I was watching the original made in 1982. I turned that shit off.
randomdice101: I believe /r/mildlyinfuriating is that way...
yogiscott: It's TIFU, not "DYTIFUT?"
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403188435 | 1403189866 | t3_28jy08 | t5_2to41 | 8 | MispelledMagic: TIFU by leaving my neighbors' hose on overnight.
So my neighbors recently went on a vacation for a week and asked me to water their plants and just maintain the outside of the house for them. One of these chores included turning on the hose to let it run so that their backyard fountain would maintain enough water so the motor won't burn out. So when I first got there I turned on the hose and let the water run. While the water was running I went around and watered the other plants. This time however, I was listening to music and in deep thought. I went home that night went to bed, and completely neglected to turn off the hose.
14 hours later I wake up to a text from my neighbor explaining that our neighbors (on the other side of their house) noticed that the hose was still on and went over and turned it off. Now whatever money I was making off this job is probably going straight back to them to pay their water bill.
reallyquiterad: Plot twist: they weren't going to pay you shit anyway and now you owe them
iggloovortex: this
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403189472 | 1403300407 | t3_28jzlt | t5_2to41 | 17 | mrboomx: TIFU by not checking over my physics exam.
Okay, I'm really pissed off at myself right now, but i need to vent this out. So, here in Canada this is exam time for people in high school. I am in the 12th grade and such my exams are very important in order to obtain scholarships to universities, or even get accepted (which I have), especially since the one I fucked up is physics, which is pretty fucking important for engineering.
So how did I fuck up? Its not very long and elaborate but it is catastrophic. Okay, so the exam consisted of 5 word questions, 10 marks each, and 10 multiple choice questions worth 2 marks each, a total of 70 marks. So I finish the multiple choice pretty fast, and it takes me until 10 minutes until I'm out of time to finish the short answer. And being the huge fuck-wit I am, I check it over lightly and then strut over and hand it in. But I missed a crucial fact, at the beginning of the exam package there was a sheet where you had to record your multiple choice answers, I think you can see where this is going. I fucking didn't, I just circled the answer on the questions on the next page of the exam. Which technically means The best I can get is a 71%, fuck, and thats if i got full marks on all the other questions. Say good bye scholarships and my 90% going into the exam. FUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK
I'm hoping to all gods I can name that my teacher will be super fucking awesome and realize that I'm not the kind of guy to leave multiple choice questions blank, and then use the answers I circled, but then again, he doesn't have to and would probably be breaking a rule.
Just one last time, FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!
UPDATE: its all fixed :)
iggloovortex: I'm pretty sure its a dick move to not notice it. I mean idk, I have to assume that if the entirety of the multiple choice section is blank, the teacher/whoever is grading would think that something is up
mrboomx: I hope you're right
iggloovortex: if anything it cant hurt to call the school or something and explain to whoever is on the phone to send a message to whoever, principal or teacher, that you did do the MC and to just look at the test itself
mrboomx: just an update, i talked to him and he said it was all good, phew!
iggloovortex: nice dude
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1403190768 | 1403191806 | t3_28k1oy | t5_2to41 | 17 | Imokthanksforasking: TIFU by giving my best friend's ex a blow job. Then I told her about it.
I gave my best friend's ex a blow job. And then told her about it.
So my best friend and I have been very close for nearly 5 years now. We the same school (boarding school with roughly 50 kids in 3 grades), but she went back to Mexico when we graduated. She had dated this guy (let's call him Jake) the last two years of boarding school and they became extremely close. She wasn't a great girlfriend, though, because while she was dating him she was also blowing two other guys and had some kind of relationship with a guy on the Internet. They ended up breaking up over the summer after boarding school because Jake found out about her unfaithfulness and he was done with it.
They both insist they hate each other, but I think my best friend still has feelings for him. Especially now that this has all gone down.
It's been two years since they've been together. Jake has moved on multiple times, but best friend obviously has not. Hasn't had a boyfriend since they broke up even though there are plenty of guys she could date.
So my friends with benefits is out of town and I've been a thirsty little bitch for the past couple of weeks. I had a couple of shots today, texted Jake "hey. Do you want a blow job? I'm horny and fwb is out of town. No strings." and he said yes.
Mind you Jake and I haven't talked in months, but we have been friends since 1st grade so there's a lot of trust between us.
Anyway, I go over his house, we make out, I blow him, we play Battlefield for a couple hours, and I go home.
I started feeling like a terrible person when I got home because I basically violated the girl code and I somehow got it into my mind that I should tell my best friend.
So I did. And she seemed... I can't tell if it was mad or sad. Probably a bit of both. She told me she needed some time to think and I told her that would be fine.
Yeah I fucked up today. Real bad.
**Edit: UPDATE if you care:** So she didn't talk to me at all the rest of the day (we usually talk all the time) and just called me saying that she is really mad and thinks I made a huge mistake. She is also thinking about cancelling her visit this summer (we've had it planned for over a year).
I'm a little angry now. I also talked to Jake. He said he'd be up for another one and maybe more messing around, but he said he thinks she is overreacting because "she doesn't own him". I can't agree more.
iggloovortex: I'm not a professional when it comes to the girl code. In fact to confuse me even further my last ex had a group of friends that would basically take turns dating each other. Largely without any getting upset or anything between them. In one way of her still having feelings for him you did mess up, on the other hand you knew him first it sounds like, plus shes been gone and in another country for a few years so shes just holding herself back, especially if she was as unfaithful as you stated. I say you're in the clear, especially if shes not physically around.
And if she decides she cant be friends with you then shes seriously stuck.
69IDontCare96: There are 2 of these groups at my school and all the hot bitches are in it.
iggloovortex: My ex and her friends are 2-3 years out of high school but refuse to grow up. So she hangs out at a place every day with people age ranging from 16-27 so that she and everyone there can feel like they're in high school again, not having to do anything with their lives. It's insanely pathetic and the guy she pretty much left me for goes there.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1403192243 | 1403202209 | t3_28k47q | t5_2to41 | 12 | imactuallyanasshole: TIFU by snuggling with a close friend in front of my ex.
There isn't anything super raunchy, funny, or spectacular about my fuck up, but I wanted to share it to get it off my chest cause wow do I feel awful.
So basically I was dating someone in our friend group for 3 years but we broke up when I felt it just wasn't working anymore. We all have tickets to a music festival and we stay in the same vacation house for it, so ex and I promised to be civil and whatnot.
So we're all able to get our hands on a lot of wine. Like a lot, so naturally what happens? That's right! We all get really wine drunk. So we're all having a good time til we get tired and everyone starts falling asleep. I'm sitting on the couch with my friend and as I get sleepy, on top of being drunk, I get cuddly. So we ended up hardcore snuggling for a few hours- nothing happened beyond that but it was snuggle city for a good 3 hours. Drunk me didn't realize that ex was sitting in a chair right next to us.. so when snuggle friend wakes me up to tell me I should go to bed, I see very VERY angry text messages from ex saying how much of a dick move it was, on top of other things relating to our past relationship. As of the time of writing this, ex still hasn't answered my apology texts. I'm not demanding he accept my apology or anything. I'm totally in the wrong here, but it would be nice to have him acknowledge that I recognize my mistake.
So yeah it wasn't anything super serious, but it was a dick move and I really think I F'ed Up kinda bad. I haven't left my bedroom yet because I'm too scared to face everyone.
TL;DR- I'm actually an asshole and cuddled with a close friend I consider a bro in front of my still emotionally compromised ex.
tetrahydrocanada: And this is why you don't date friends, you guys seriously need to spend some time apart so that she can get over your past relationship.
imactuallyanasshole: I'm actually the girl in the situation. We weren't friends before we started dating, we just have the same friends so it's hard to avoid each other in group settings without ostracizing one or the other. But after this weekend, I completely agree with you man.
tetrahydrocanada: Ok sorry about that, but what I said works both ways. But I don't see you being totally in the wrong here at all, he's almost reaffirming with jealous controlling and stubborn behaviour that splitting up with him was the right thing to do. Maybe snuggling for a couple hours might be considered slightly inconsiderate to him but you're single now and so is he. The sooner he can understand this the better for all, it's not your responsibility to ease him out of the relationship.
imactuallyanasshole: That comment really made me feel better. Thanks a lot man for the input!
a_guile: I don't know about calling him controlling or anything like that. You broke off the relationship, which implies a bit that he was still interested in maintaining it, and if this happened recently it probably still hurts. Also as you said, wine. Hurt drunk people send stupid texts, and seeing you with someone else probably stung.
That said, he will probably be fine. What you did was a bit inconsiderate, but that's all. Don't beat yourself up over it, maybe say sorry and then things can go back to the healing phase.
| 6 | 2 | |
1403192719 | 1403229780 | t3_28k4zu | t5_2to41 | 90 | TupacTuesdays: TIFU by being honest with my employers
Last night I was examining my pay stubs when I noticed overtime pay for 8 hours. I was confused as to what day that had occurred. I asked HR. They did some digging. Turns out it was a clerical error.
They'll be taking the money out of my next check.
I am not a smart man.
The_6th_Account: At least they won't be taking hundreds of dollars from your paychecks to come for several months because they realized that they had offered you the wrong salary when you got the job (the offer was supposed to be substantially less) and you had already bought a new car and moved to a bigger place because you thought you had it made with this awesome new salary.
AngelOfDoom: What the heck? If I'm reading this right, this sounds like breach of contract on their part. They can't legally cut your salary after you have accepted it in writing!
The_6th_Account: Well, their claim was that it was a clerical error that went undetected for months and they just needed to have the money back in installments.
So not only are the checks not as big as they used to be, but now their smaller than they should be because they're taking the money back. Either that or no job and possible lawsuit.
SDION: What if you had quit on the spot, stating that you signed up for this job expecting a salary and wouldn't have accepted otherwise?
They could try to sue but it seems like a pretty clear cut case of "your mistake your problem" unless the salary was so ridiculous that it was obviously a mistake.
The_6th_Account: It was a really ridiculous difference, of about $400 difference per paycheck. That adds up. I'm not there anymore though.
| 6 | 15 | |
1403193514 | 1403196047 | t3_28k6dj | t5_2to41 | 5 | Scarecrow_517: TIFU by thinking people cared about me
So some backstory, I started falling for this girl I had been seeing since college. We had been sorta been exclusive but nothing official, this is where my nightmare begins. Relationship Limbo is fucked up and I dont know if anybody out there understands this but she wasn't really invested but I started to be. I always thought that the person who cared less had more power in the relationship because the person who cared less could dictate whether the relationship was positive or negative..
I know how that sounds and am now wiser so focus more on the next events.
3-4 months ago she started fucking someone else who is now gone for the moment, he was an exchange student doing his graduate shit here. The first thing is, I KNOW I am not the only victim here and Im not trying to sound like one but I did suffer the MOST out of everyone involved and will live with the trust issues I now have because of all this shit.
-The Shit
She basically was fucking him and then me while jumping between our beds "just for fun" but thats not really bad, it did hurt me however but.. dude we weren't anything official so the only right I had was to say something about my feelings. Which I DID, I spoke to the guy before I had definite proof it was him (I had suspicions because they literally were fucking in the room above me one time while I was just the ignorant asshole waiting for her to finish). He SAT listening to me tell him that the fact the relationship had gone plural and she was just USING me had effected me in such a bad way that I actually played Russian Roulette with a loaded .38. I TOLD him that I just wanted something exclusive and that I needed a way to start the conversation without scaring or imploding the relationship because I felt that she was COMPLETELY closed off and didn't want to even have someone with feelings around. This was her Birthday night, and later that evening one of her friends just casually on the street mentioned her sucking his dick and how did that taste.
...
Yea, so it came out in the worst way possible. This motherfucker DISAPPEARED, and both she and her friend were having a pity party in the back while i was left to talk to other friends who weren't quite sure how to help me. I wasn't ok but I kept my shit on lockdown, I've suffered worse whatever. This motherfucker shows up later that night when we're all back at his house/shared with her friend. We're smoking on the back porch and I PASSED TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER AND DIDNT LOSE MY COOL. Why? Because I had no right to freak out we weren't officially anything. He then runs inside and talks to her about how I am such a gentleman for not fucking his face up.
I would like to point out that I dont fucking care if shit is awkward or uncomfortable for anybody in this situation if you're a fucking grown up good person you deal with the bombshell instead of running away like a fucking coward.
Fast Foward 4-5 attempts for me to talk to her about letting me go and walking away because I cant deal with how her delivering herself to him after work during the week to his apartment like a hot steaming pussy pizza and always having to deal with the thought of a good time with her means nothing 'cause she jumps at every chance to hook up with him even if it was the day after hanging out with me.
May, I finally think to myself fuck it. I reach out to him over facebook because thats not scary at alll so the little cowardly bitch could just tell me to fuck off over a chat since he was already doing that by not saying shit anyway. He ends up agreeing to sitting down with me. OK, maybe there is some hope. We sit and he basically lies and feeds me bullshit like he didn't know. DUDE MOTHERFUCKER WE TALKED ABOUT THIS THAT NIGHT FUCKFACE IM GONNA FUCK YOU UP. Races through my head the entire time so I decide you know what Im gonna fucking talk to her. I see her and spend time with her on a weekend that 'they had plans' well fuck that its time I did something about this so I can finally walk away or beat the shit outta him. I then realize while talking to her that the only reason he met with me is so she wouldn't be mad at him (ie protecting his ability to keep fucking her). I get more pissed off and decide to stay the night. NOW IMPORTANT, I told him EXPLICITLY IN OBVIOUS LANGUAGE THAT COULDNT BE MISUNDERSTOOD I wanted to make my relationship exclusive with her back the fuck off until she leaves me or we get together then fuck off entirely, I TOLD THIS TO HIM AT 6 PM FRIDAY. At 11pm-1am I dont remember when he texted and called her for a booty call.
Yup I was done, I was gonna tear him apart.
Fast Forward her keeping me inside and away from him all Saturday and I was so mad and fucked up in the head I did a strike out at a party and lost my shit. She was with him when I was like oh shit I need help. So she and him come get me and take me back and I sleep it off as much as I can. Sunday morning she says shes going out to talk to a 'friend', ya well turns out she went to talk to him. A nice little Oh you're a good person for helping, maybe we can work it out so we all can keep doing this shit talk.
I wake up to some buddies of mine telling about all the shit they did especially the part where he knew about how it was fucking me up and said he didn't care to some of HIS friends. I get pissed and I walk over to his house. Well I go up to find them in bed together, not having sex but 'talking' which he was probly gonna try to turn into sex.
I flip my shit.
Fast Forward me breaking a door and barely maintaining control so I didn't actually hurt him since I didn't need a police report nor do I think he could've defended himself. And one big thing guys I honestly for as mad as I was didnt wanna give him anything else to make him thin he wasn't at fault. I leave AND AM A FUCKING GENTLEMAN AND PAY FOR THE FUCKING DOOR (He has roomates and again didnt want cops involved). She promises after realizing I was done to never see or speak to him again. We sorta let things cool down for a week and a half. He left for a vacation in Costa Rica for 2 weeks and then came back which she broke her promise of never speaking or seeing (speaking over FB and seeing him for coffee before he went home).
So thats my story everyone, I wake up angry and hurt EVERYDAY. No, guys this motherfucker got to RUIN the last 4-5 months of my life and RUIN a good relationship I had which suffered PERMANENT damage, and guess what hes at home free of responsibility or harm. So Reddit, am I fucking idiot? Am I useless? 'Cause honestly I dont know what to do with all the anger and sadness. Whats done is done everyone, I just need people to tel me, how do I stoop waking up angry, how do I stop feeling used and abused?
TL;DR Dude fucked me over and I turned the other cheek because reckless rachet game by girl. INB4 OP is mentally challenged, correction OP is relationship..ly challenged.
Thanks for listening I really needed to get it off my chest. Theres alot more in terms of details of how he and she fucked me over but I'd rather not detail every single thing I suffered because of him, ya know?
MilesMassey: Jesus. You and the girl wanted different things from your relationship. It's a simple mistake and pretty common. It doesn't make her a bitch or you an idiot; you just didn't talk properly. It sounds like your relationship is either still confused, or you still both want different things; talk it through and figure out if you two are going to work together. Don't be afraid to walk away if you realise you want different things.
This is really fucking important: **don't blame the other guy for this**. He got dragged in to your mess.
It'll be difficult, but don't dwell on this too much. Try solely to use it as a learning experience; things went wrong, but improving how you communicate will either make this relationship better, or help with your future relationships.
Scarecrow_517: I see where you're coming from but honestly its not about him getting caught up. I talked about a relationship with her numerous times after the first night. I know I should've walked away because the emotional shit was getting in the way. However, whether who was right and who was wrong here honestly I could give a shit now, I told him it was fucking with me and as a good gesture he could've taken a step back and let me and her handle our shit then came back when it was over (likely I would've lost). But he didn't THATs my point. He used how fucked the relationship WAS to get his dick wet WHILE causing more damage to my state of mind.
So what he had nothing really to be blamed for is incorrect as I GAVE him the choice to step back and let me deal with it with HER. Which he had NO right to fuck with but he didnt and brought chaos to us trying to talk because all she could think about was I was jealous or judging her for sleeping with multiple people. I wasn't. I just wanted her to give me a decision on stay or go so I could let go, failing that everytime I started to walk away of my own accord I got (yes MY fault not his) sucked back in since we share the same friends and me and her were really close for a very long time.
Im actually not seeking excuses or whos to blame I just wanna stop being mad, and INB4 you mad bro; I am. Fuck morally right or wrong, he caused me pain Im not thinking right when it comes to his involvement.
MilesMassey: You've got serious anger issues, and it doesn't sound like you're dealing with this productively at all. Talk to someone you trust who is completely uninvolved. You need to move on before you do something you'll regret.
If you can't do that, **go see a therapist now.**
Scarecrow_517: Already done man XD, I cant get to him though so its fine. Also the go see a therapist is sorta insulting to me and others who can't or don't feel the need to, so what are people not allowed to be angry especially since I mentioned he was gone in the post itself. I cant do harm to anyone but myself and drinking like fish is about all I got.
| 5 | 1 | |
1403192553 | 1403226939 | t3_28k4r2 | t5_2to41 | 1,107 | [deleted]: TIFU [NSFW]- a story of the time I spilled my cum bucket all over the rug
(note: mature content, not sure if NSFW is warranted)...
This is a true story from when I was either just barely a pre-teen or very early teen. I had been enjoying my masturbation routine quite often and after exploring a variety of methods of self-pleasure I had settled into the habit of masturbating in my bedroom into a small/medium size rubbermaid tub (the kind with a lid). Anytime the urge hit (several times a day) I'd pull out my trusty "cum bucket" and that was it. No mess, no fuss. I'd put the lid back on the bucket when I was done and put it back on a shelf in my room.
Well as you can imaging over time that bucket filled up. I don't know how long it took, but as a kid that young and so full of cum, you can see it wouldn't take too long masturbating several times a day, into a container with a lid (no evaporation). So one day (eventually) I think to myself "hmm this thing is just about full, I really should go dump it outside".
So my awkward lanky teenage self picks up the bucket and heads out of my room and through the living room in my parent's house to go out the front door and into the woods to dump the "cum bucket". When I got just in front of the door in the living room, I tripped on a walkway rug and dropped/spilled my cum bucket on the living room carpet.
My mom heard some commotion and came to see what happened. I was absolutely horrified and quickly regained control of the bucket and made sure the lid was on. It wasn't the kind of tub with a secure lid, it just loosely snapped in place. The point is that when I dropped the tub, the mass of fluidic cum spilled all over the living room floor.
Now those of you who are familiar with cum know that it has a smell, especially when its been sitting out for a while or collecting in a teenage boys "cum bucket". My mom asks me "whats that smell, what was in there"? I panic and think up the most plausible story I can. I tell her its a just a bunch of chemicals and part of some experiments I was doing. I was a nerdy kid and into science and stuff like that so I hoped she would believe me. I told her there were eggs and other biological compounds in the fluid. I have NO CLUE if she bought it, she didn't say anything after that. She just started cleaning up the mess and trying to clean the rug. To this day there is still a big stain in the rug from that incident.
I'm too horrified even now that I'm in my 30's to ask my mom about that experience. I'm hoping she doesn't remember, but I have to think she probably saw through my lies and knew exactly what was in the bucket. When I think of that memory, I lower my head in shame.
But maybe some of you will enjoy the story and get a laugh out of it. So there it is. I'm an idiot. LOL.
shazbot28: She knows.
Syncharmony: 100%, she knew and after that you were no longer her baby. Every single hug you received from her since then has been tempered with the knowledge that her little angel has a bucket of sin in his bedroom and now that sin is permanently soaked into the rug.
[deleted]: LOL hilarious!!!!
Kairikiato: you let her clean it up for you??!?!?
[deleted]: Once I went out and dumped the bucket I came back in and helped.
Drewshua: You sure you didn't break your arms when you tripped?
misslehead3: I hear this all the time but i missed that day on reddit, can you source?
Syncharmony: [Here you go](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/c3a9uqg?context=1)
| 9 | 123 | |
1403180700 | 1403393206 | t3_28jnsz | t5_2to41 | 26 | kaythxbai: TIFU by almost killing someone at work and potentially giving the company a very bad name
**Background:** I work in the food and beverage side of a company that owns all of the major venues in my city, and we host concerts and dinners in our indoor arena and sports events in the outdoor stadium. The food purchasing area in the stadium is divided into multiple small units of about five people each, with each unit vending different kinds of food. Customers help themselves to whatever food and pay for it on the way to their seats.
This happened a couple of days ago: during sports events in the stadium I usually work in the unit that sells burgers. However, my bosses decided to make me the supervisor for this unit (meaning I start earlier, get paid more and anything that goes wrong is on my head).
The chicken for our chicken burgers is cooked in an oven in the unit as we make the burgers, however, the chicken breast pieces we were provided with for this game were still a bit frosted in the middle of the pile, rather than completely thawed out like usual. This means it was going to take longer to cook through. However, this day a person decided to not show up, so our team was down one person for the first two or so hours of the shift, while we found a temp. Because of this we were already behind in terms of burger production. While the second tray of chicken pieces was cooking, a line of people started amassing for chicken burgers. Unfortunately the chicken in the oven wasn't up to temperature. Minutes passed with me and my team having nothing to do, and the pressure from the crowd was building. I religiously checked the temperature of the chicken pieces every few minutes, but because i kept opening the closing the door, it didn't go up as quickly as we needed it.
Finally, ***I fucked up*** and decided "a few degrees short can't be that bad, right?", and gave the chicken to the people on the line to assemble burgers with. About 10 burgers in, one of my staff noticed that the chicken pieces were definitely still raw on the inside (because they were not as thawed as they were meant to be at the start of the night). I pulled all the assembled burgers from display but unfortunately around 8 were already taken. Later on a man (someone attending the game) came to my unit and wanted to talk to whoever was in charge of the burgers. I told him it was me and he showed me the burger that he bought: it was *very* undercooked.
The aftermath was: one very angry customer with food poisoning and possibly a few more, one very angry and popular facebook post showing the burger and condemning the company, some attempted media coverage. Fortunately, my bosses are really cool with it and just told me to do a more comprehensive temperature check next time. I'm not fired, and hopefully I'll still be a supervisor.
Billabong615: What a *fowl* mistake
*everybody groans*
leersobie: When people complain about puns I just tell them to quit their grousing.
Billabong615: This thread is so poultry
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1403194273 | 1403204643 | t3_28k7me | t5_2to41 | 117 | iwantanotherlife: TIFU by borrowing my buddy's Porsche...
Happened yesterday but for reasons to be seen below I didn't get time to post.
So I'm just a senior in high school and prom was just recently held at our school. I have an older friend who has a Porsche Boxter, and he lets me borrow it to go on dates and stuff because, well shit, it beats my 93' Accord.
My buddy was out of town with his family in Las Vegas for a business meeting/family vacation. He told me the garage door code and that the keys for the Porsche were in the cup holder of the car. As I walk into the garage and open the door to the Porsche I realize the keys are not there. I figure I'll find a house key under the welcome mat and I'll just walk into the house and kind the keys and be on my merry little way. That's where I fucked up.
I do find a key and unlock the house only to hear the sound of the house alarm system beeping. I figure I'm a genius when I use the garage code hoping both codes would be the same. INCORRECT. This alerts the police as most systems do and within minutes, the cops roll up, guns drawn, while I lean against the Porsche in my tux that I've rented for this prom. I put my hands up and explain myself. The cops were pretty cool but in order to follow protocol had to speak to the owner of the home to get his permission.
They try to call him several times to no avail. Voicemail after desperate pleading voicemail. I end up being detained until my buddy calls them. About 3 hours later I'm released and finally get to call my girlfriend who has only been sobbing for the last 3 hours thinking I had bailed on her.
I did end up going back and getting the Porsche, because hey, it's a Porsche! I go to her house and get slapped and ended up making it up to her for missing the dance by going to the park and dancing.
TLDR; I went to go pick up a Porsche and ended up getting picked up by the Police.
_jerk_: Similar story happened to me, except my buddy let me borrow he's Mercedes for a date. I came to pick up the car just as he was leaving the house. He gave me the keys and told me to drop it off after I'm done and just leave the key under the mat,because he's going out to drink and probably won't be home. Anyways, on the way home I get pulled over and the officer tells me this car was reported stolen. Apparently my idiot friend got so drunk he forgot I took the car, came home and saw that it wasn't there and called the cops and told them it was stolen. Fucking asshole..
yaaahh: Funnier than the OP!
| 3 | 39 | |
1403195638 | 1403270846 | t3_28k9xp | t5_2to41 | 164 | throwawayifuggedup: TIFU by having sex with my FWB's sister
Technically Last Night I Fucked Up, but anyway. To provide a little background, I have been in a FWB type relationship (or so I thought, but more on that later) with this girl, who I will refer to as A from now on, for almost 3 weeks. It was perfect, because whenever I'm in a serious relationship I tend to alienate my friends, but with A I could just meet up with her on a weekday night and then take her back to my place and so on, plus I'd never have to do couple-y stuff, which was a huge relief after getting out of a long relationship.
Anyway, last evening I went out to a pub with a friend to watch the Spain game and we started doing shots after the second half, at which point group of girls came in and sat at the table next to us, and through the course of the second half, they started talking to us, asking who we were rooting for and whatnot. I struck a good conversation with one of them, who I will refer to as B from now on, and as the evening progressed B said she and her friends were going clubbing afterwards and said we should join them. Obviously we complied, and after a couple of drinks at the club I realized that my friend and one B's friends had taken off, so I decided to make my move. It worked, and at this point I realize this is starting to sound like less of a TIFU story, but we'll get there.
She asks me to come over to her place because it's close to where she works, so we find a cab and get set on our way. Right as nearly arrive to her place, a sense of familiarity overcomes me, but I dismiss it. (At this point, it should be noted that I had never actually been to A's apartment, I had only dropped her off in front of it once). We go upstairs and she tells me to be quiet until we get to her room, as her sister lives there too, who is asleep by this point.
Fast forward to the next morning, we are awoken by B's alarm, and I put my clothes on in proper hungover fashion, first trying to wear my pants inside out, spilling everything inside the pockets etc. I leave the room to grab a glass of water when I run into A in the hallway, at which point my brain freezes through the combination of shock and dehydration. I mumble an attempt at an explanation but the only intelligible words that come out of my mouth are the initial "what the fuck" I exclaimed upon first seeing her. Not knowing what to do, and assuming she would not get extremely upset due to the FWB nature of our relationship, I ask her if it's cool if I pour myself a glass of water and she says "whatever, kitchen's over there". So as I'm drinking the water, I hear A going towards B's room, followed by a short silence, and as I attempt to listen in, the only words I can make out are "I was telling you about". I drink another glass and walk out into the hallway only to be faced with A and B standing and looking very cross at me, following which they both start yelling expletives and A starts pushing me. I believe "fucking asshole" is one of the nicer things they said.
It ends with A telling me to get the fuck out of her apartment and never call her again with B giving me dirty looks (not the good kind) and feeling like a true asshole, I leave and they slam the door behind me. I hail a cab, and as the cab arrives on the street in which I live, I reach for my front right pocket, only to find that my wallet is no longer there, I search my other pockets, finding only some change and my phone (at least I got that) and call my flatmate to bring down some cash to pay for the ride, following which I begin calling A asking for my wallet. She picks up after 5 attempts, and I let her know that my wallet and keys are there, and she responds by saying they aren't, to my surprise, and that they are most likely in a garbage truck somewhere. So now I'm pretty fucked, I had a large amount of money, my credit cards, driver's license, and various membership cards in my wallet, not to mention I'm going to need new keys for the second time in 2 months. Now, I'm hoping she didn't actually throw them out and is just trying to piss me off for revenge before she calms down, but I don't really know her that well, so what do you guys think? I've been trying to keep calling her all day and she won't respond anymore.
TL;DR: Had a FWB for 3 weeks, unknowingly had sex with her sister last night, got caught in the morning and kicked out of their apt while my loaded wallet and keys were there and they claim to have thrown them out.
Update: B got my number from her sister's phone and called me, I told her about the wallet and keys situation, she said A did actually toss them out but that she herself was willing to compensate me for the keys and whatever money I had in my wallet.. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it was ~400 quid. Anyway now that my flatmate mentioned his fuckup of getting robbed with his rent money on him I don't feel as shitty.
mythrowawayresponse: **you didn't know....** it's not your fault man.
CheeseAddiction: It's not your fault.
DrRazmataz: It's not your fault.
livinginacircle: It´s not your fault.
Funklestein: Don't fuck with me Sean, not you.
Francis-Hates-You: It's not your fault.
livinginacircle: It's not your fault.
mrfluggie: It's not your fault.
| 9 | 18.222222 | |
1403196663 | 1403242857 | t3_28kbom | t5_2to41 | 224 | arabaanyimba: TIFU by flashing my teacher
OK the house next door has been empty for a while until new people moved in the night before. I had not got a chance to meet them. Because the houe had been empty for so long, I had gotten in to the bad habit of walking round my room naked after a shower whilst the curtains are wide open so as usual, I came out of the shower, singing and dancing completely naked with earphones in.
After a while I turned around just to see my new English teacher walk in to the room and see me completely naked. Out of fright, I tried to run but slipped and landed on my ass. I managed to crawl out of my room into the bathroom to get a towel but on my return, he was gone.
I have english tomorrow first thing and frankly don't know how I will survive knowing my teacher saw everything from boobs and onwards.
**update**
SO went to class and sat at the back of the class trying to face the wall. He then gave out marked homework and there was a little eye contact. Because my friends knew about the awkward situation, they told me that they saw him smirk but then they made the whole lesson awks by giggling and making innuendos and weird inappropriate noise. One burst into the Lonely Island- I just had sex. They have made it their life goal to make sure I never forget and english remain the most awkward lesson forever.
Anyway kept my head down and said nothing the whole lesson and afterwards run out of their like my ass was lit and sprayed kerosene.
scubadivingpoop: I'm assuming he was a male teacher? You never specified in your post.
arabaanyimba: he is and young.
sweetie_todd: Is he hot, though?
Fogism: This would matter if it was a porno.
sweetie_todd: Why shouldn't it be?
Fogism: Because she's probably mortified beyond belief and the last thing she has to worry about is satisfying a stranger's curiosity about her teacher's looks.
batdrumman: Still...
| 8 | 28 | |
1403196695 | 1403198555 | t3_28kbr9 | t5_2to41 | 26 | GenericThrowaway795: TIFU by sending my ex a dick pic
So while trying to be all sexy with my current girlfriend I accidentally tapped on the wrong name in my phone and sent my ex a picture of my raging erection with the caption "Good Morning Wood"
mythrowawayresponse: ... and your exes reply is <drum roll>
GenericThrowaway795: Fortunately it is a new phone so she didn't recognise the number and I was able to convince her I was some random guy who legitimately entered the wrong number.
mythrowawayresponse: but what'd she say???
1. OMG
2. DAFUQ?
3. WOW
4. WHERE AND WHEN?
5. CREEP
... I'd imagine one of those? Throw me a freak'n bone here...
GenericThrowaway795: Disappointingly not, acted pretty calm and asked me to check the number :(
mythrowawayresponse: **so she didn't recognize it?** maybe it was a bad angle?
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1403199289 | 1403201661 | t3_28kgqe | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing without considering what was on my hands.
So my boyfriend and I were allowed the special occasion of having the house to ourselves for the weekend and decided to cook our favourite meals for dinner. To start, chilli squid. To begin with, you have to chop plenty of chillies and after I had the sudden urge to pee. I knew what i had just been touching and ran my hands under water before making my way to the bathroom. There I was peeing and as you do, a quick scratch. This was my inevitable downfall. Obviously the area began to burn and tingle, a pain that is indescribable! So I think, what cures spice... Milk!
So I went downstairs and I frantically asked whether there was any milk? I could see the smile forming on his face and he said 'I had a feeling that would happen.' Why he didn't tell me that escapes me. I poured some milk in a cup and ran back upstairs, splashing it about trying to calm down the burning. It did to an extent but it wasn't sustainable, so I got more milk and soaked kitchen role in it and made myself a milk nappy by tucking it in my knickers!
I kept it on for twenty minutes which really helped. However, then I got scared that the milk would go off and be gross so I took a bath...
To this day I am very thankful my boyfriends parents didn't come home early....
mythrowawayresponse: ... so did that kill the mood for the rest of the evening or did you guys give it a go?
Not_such_a_lucky_duc: Give it a go but was very painful so we stopped soon after.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403200840 | 1403211471 | t3_28kjfd | t5_2to41 | 2 | DownvoteAttractor: TIFU by not checking for toilet paper
This technically happened yesterday. I had been eating leftover burritos for a couple of days and the shits were coming on pretty bad. So I went to the bathroom to release what was truly a massive dump. I undid my belt quickly, pulled down my boxers and sat down just in time to avoid shit sprays on my slacks. To my horror, just as the first wave was expelled, I realised there was no TP. Figuring that I was committed to my error, I pushed hard like an expectant mother listening to a midwife. But before I was done, the door of the washrooms swung open and someone came in.
My asshole puckered instantaneously, and I did the whole "If I'm silent maybe he won't realise I'm here". Yeah, I'm that guy, sorry I get nervous. Anyway, turns out I got too good at that, because he clearly didn't realise I was there. I hear him get into the stall next to me, pull down his fly then start yanking hard. He was seriously going to town there, like he hadn't had a chance to tug for days, which is understandable since we're at college.
He eventually stops, and I figure that if I have a chance to get some TP this will be it, so I ask "Hey bro do you have some spare TP on your side?" I put my hand at the bottom of the cubicle, and he throws something wet in it. His fucking cum rag. I threw it on the ground and the fuckwit bolted out the door.
I didn't know what to do. Here I am sitting with shit all over my ass and some guy's cum on my left hand. I was trapped. So I waited until it was quiet in the hall outside the toilet, then I made a mad dash to the other cubicle to first clean my hand then clean my ass.
qwerteh: You're that desperate for upvotes? Really? He didn't even post it a day ago
TheMegaBenson: Dummy, self posts do not award karma. OP was being satirical.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403201411 | 1403214378 | t3_28kkgl | t5_2to41 | 12 | Not_such_a_lucky_duc: TIFU by peeing without considering what was on my hands.
So my boyfriend and I were granted the special occasion of having the house to ourselves for the weekend and we decided to cook our favourite dinner. Chilli squid. To start, you have to chop plenty of chillies and suddenly I had the urge to pee. I knew what I had touched and ran my hands under water and I couldn't find any soap. So I ran upstairs to pee and as you do, scratched. This was my inevitable downfall.
An intense tingling and burning began. A pain that is almost indescribable. So I thought to myself, what cures spice? Milk! So I frantically hurried downstairs and asked whether they had any milk. My boyfriend just laughed and said 'I thought this would happen.' Why he didn't tell me escapes me still. So I poured a cup of milk and ran back up stairs and began splashing around trying to calm it down. It did to an extent but it wasn't sustainable. I got more milk and soaked some kitchen role in it and tucked it in my knickers- making a milk nappy!(Thankfully I bought three pairs so I could change after.) I kept that on for 20 minutes which really helped but then I was scared that the milk would go off and be gross so I had a bath...
To this day I am very thankful that my boyfriends parents didn't come home early and the chilli squid was very yummy so nearly worth the pain.
kevin_k: recipe for chili squid please?
Not_such_a_lucky_duc: http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/fish-recipes/crispy-squid-prawns-with-homemade-sweet-chilli-sauce we didn't do the prawns- easy recipe :)
kevin_k: thanks - looks delicious!
Not_such_a_lucky_duc: It really was!
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1403200020 | 1403204206 | t3_28khzf | t5_2to41 | 3 | waltza: TIFU by missing a week of the start of college
Orientation? Missed. Classes? Missed. I'm so fucked up right now thinking of the money wasted. First time on college is not going good for me.
trireme32: How did you manage that?
waltza: I'm out of the loop. Never did I noticed that they moved the schedule to a more early one.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403196929 | 1403221596 | t3_28kc6m | t5_2to41 | 40 | meebscheese: TIFU by chewing gum in the shower. Kinda nsfw.
Today, I woke up kind of grumpy and sour, so I popped in some nicotine gum (I'm in the process of quitting smoking.) And decided to start the shower. I'm at the point with the gum that I forget sometimes I have it parked between my cheek and gum line, so the water is running down my face and I grab face wash, the kind with the micro-beads that scrub your skin, as I'm scrubbing I move my gum out from it's seclusion and I just start chewing because it's just habitual when I accidentally bump it out of place that I start chewing. Well my mouth parted just enough for some of the wash to make it into my mouth right where my gum happens to be. As I'm gnawing away, spacing out, (as one usually does in the shower.) I notice my gum of crunchy and disgusting, I'm now munching on st. Ives flavored nicotine gum.
Upon spitting it out, it gets caught in my pubic region and I mean completely tangled, even the water won't help that much. Now, we have 2 bathrooms and usually the scissors or my boyfriend's clippers are in the one opposite of mine, I have to do something, so I finish up and call for Mike to grab me scissors. Unfortunately, they rusted and no longer are of use, I ask to use his clippers and they work, however... Needless to say, I'm off to buy a new grooming kit.
foamster: I hate to be the guy to do it, but: I used those 'micro-beads' for a bit.. until you realize they're just plastic, and not some kind of magic water-soluble bead... Water treatment plants aren't built to handle them, so they end up back in rivers and lakes. Get rid of it. :/
iamthejed: But they feel soo good. How can I forfeit my comfort for my non existent children's health?
foamster: You'll forfeit your comfort for *my* health, buddy.
If you like, you can always buy regular soap and mix in some sand!
edit: On second thought the water treatment plant could certainly treat sand but I'm not sure your plumbing would like it..
iamthejed: I've actually only used this kind of soap once and then threw it out, I didn't like it. Plus your health is extremely important to me.
| 5 | 8 | |
1403202842 | 1403265463 | t3_28kn56 | t5_2to41 | 90 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating vegemite
For those who aren't familiar, Vegemite is an Australian spread you put on your bread, some people think it tastes awful but I like it, and I like to put a lot on my bread until the surface is black.
So about an hour ago, I was hungry, so I decided I would walk into the kitchen and make myself some Vegemite bread, I also just happen to have a cockroach infestation, and, unfortunately, cockroach would camouflage well into Vegemite with butter.
So I'm putting Vegemite onto some bread and stacking it up on a plate, it's 3 in the morning when this is happening so I'm not paying much attention, I pick the plate up and take it into my dimly lit room where I sit and eat my stack of Vegemite bread from the top down while watching youtube videos, not paying attention to what I'm eating, on my last slice of bread, I taste a crunch, I look down, I just bit into a big, black, juicy Australian cockroach.
darkeagle91: Just so you know, I'm in a fraternity in the states, we always have at least one brother studying abroad in Australia, who knows to bring back vegemite for the pledges. Being forced to eat that shit with a spoon is one of the worst punishments I went through throughout a semester of hazing. Disgusting stuff, what's wrong with pb&j's down there?
Bobblefighterman: For one, putting peanut butter with jelly in Australia is a dumb idea. Secondly, you're insulting my Australian culture by calling my ancestors heritage 'disgusting'. Shame on you. Take a piss on my flag while you're at it.
Also, eating straight Vegemite is like eating God himself. There is no better taste on Earth.
Excorcistllamas: Talk about easily offended...
Bobblefighterman: oh, whoops, /s.
| 5 | 18 | |
1403194234 | 1403229449 | t3_28k7k5 | t5_2to41 | 24 | The_6th_Account: tifu by calling an older lady a murderer
An old lady at work was talking about her sick bird and how she didn't know what to do with it. She couldn't afford to take it to the vet and I guess the bird was so sick that she felt it was better to take it out of its misery than to keep it alive and have the bird suffer.
So, while she's telling her story, I have my back to her. She's doing work stuff as she talks and so am I. Now, she's maybe upper 60s, maybe mid 70s, white hair, sweet voice, pretty much picture Mrs. Santa. She's talking about what she had tried to do to help this bird. She sounded very casual about it and I couldn't see her facial expressions cos I had my back to her. So I didn't think she felt too bad about the bird. She said something about starting her car and holding the bird against the exhaust pipe. Yeah, that sounds pretty cruel in itself, but this is an older lady and lives on her own. So, when she said that I could hear that she kind of giggled/laughed about it. I figured she realizes how preposterous her idea was that she found it kind of funny. So to lighten things up and join in I said, "oh Janet, you're a murderer!" I still had my back to her. I then turn around and realized she wasn't laughing, she had been crying the whole time.
I didn't know how to get my head out of my ass, so I just got up and left the office.
_pink_maggit: Eesh. Have you apologized yet? That might be a good start...
The_6th_Account: No, I didn't return cos I just didn't know how to apologize. I know I should just say sorry, but the way I said it just sounded very fucked up, like I didn't care about her feelings.
| 3 | 8 | |
1403179680 | 1403285427 | t3_28jmqg | t5_2to41 | 3 | izi666: TIFU by getting cought by police and parents while smoking some
So it happened a few months ago.
After school we went for some coffee with schoolmates. They don't smoke weed but I do and they don't have any problem with it. So we drove to the parking lot with three of us in the car and I thought it would be a good idea to roll up and smoke a small dubbie before we go to cafeteria and since my schoolmate who was driving didn't mind me smoking in his car ... (this is where 1st fuck up begins) So I rolled it up and set it on fire and my friend got a little anxious becouse there was some guy coming towards the car, but I was like "meh don't sweat it dude nothing is gonna happen".
So this guy stops at the window and suddenly flashes the goddamn badge at my friend who was driving.
Fuck.
Shit, Fuck, Bad.
I opened my doors and threw a joint under the car.
Bad idea since mister undercover police man saw the whole thing. He asked us to get out of the car and to empty our pockets and hand over IDs etc. etc. He didn't find anything on me thank to GOD but he asked the driver to back up his car a bit and picked up my tiny joint. I conffesed and so he collected my information and drove off.
(2nd fuck up) Later on I learned that police guy could not fine me since he had no witnesess, no evidence and no guarantee that joint he found was mine. When he asked me if it it was mine I could simply say "no" and he could only proceed with a fellatio. But OK. So they cought me.. I'll pay the fine and mom never knows about it. Wrong.
(3rd fuck up) All those police papers arive at very distant dates in my country. I was cought in March and recieved my papers after two months later when I was conviniently out of town. (I was in Paris actualy :) )
I was concered that I will get my papers right when I'm gone and ofcourse that is execly what happened. I got angry text from mom saying "Good job son. I hope you earn enough money with your summer job to pay the fine" and I replied "Thank you for caring so much about MY mail". When I got home I got super yelled at with mom in tears and dad mega ultra pissed off. They even told my grandparents. Things are fine now I guess but it was still a fucking shit of an event. Oh and by the way, I paid 112 € for a fine (about 40 € for weed (if you pay early you get 50% off) and 90 € for taxes). Analysis showed that it was only 0.16g of green stuff in there, which was like nothing. It wouldn't even get me high.
TL;DR Got cought smoking pot. By police. I could get myself out of trouble but didn't. Then my folks found out about it.
[deleted]: Don't ever confess shit to the cops
mrmcmaine: I don't know. If it's a small thing and there *is* evidence against you then it's just saves you and everyone else a lot of trouble to admit it.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403202849 | 1403287845 | t3_28kn5d | t5_2to41 | 7 | dryrubbill: TIFU by having a deficient digestive track
Last night, I went out to the bar. Nothing special, just about ten rounds of beer, half a platter of pulled pork nachos, and a brisket sandwich with mac n’ cheese for my entrée. Didn’t think too much of it at the time.
Anyways, this proved to be a recipe for disaster. I have been violently farting for the last 7 hours nonstop and it has been some of the nastiest stank that mankind has ever endured. On two occasions, I’ve had to use the restroom, where my farts echoed in the bathroom at my place of business while propelling nothing but runny beer shits into the toilet like there is no tomorrow. The last time I wiped, there was blood on the TP (I check sometimes in hope of a clean sweep; I don’t consider this a victory). I’ve managed to fart so hard for so long that I've managed to tear my rectum a little bit.
Sitting down is miserable. Standing up is even worse. And don’t even get me started on walking around. This farting fit has managed to ruin the day of everyone in my nearby vicinity, although no one has even mentioned the degree of foulness I have placed upon them.
I hope I don’t blow my asshole off.
tl;dr – Ate chemical waste leading to a series of deathly farts which have managed to damage my rectum to some degree.
tanukis_parachute: yogurt. not the full sugar yogurt, doesn't have to be the greek or fake greek stuff...yogurt.
i have one a day. i have not had any problems like that in years once Jamie Lee Curtis became my homegirl. And I travel all over the world for work. I find a yogurt everywhere i go.
dryrubbill: I can try that. Should have known to look at my "WWJLCD" bracelet before leaving the house this morning.
Thinkingofsomethingg: I have IBS. Probiotics (healthy bacteria from yogurt) and Digestive Enzymes (helps you digest carbohydrates easier) are two cheap and effective solutions to this problem.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403203460 | 1403236489 | t3_28koc3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a dump
Today I fucked up by droppin a deuce. It all started last night. I had gone to my parents house for dinner. We had moms specialty, spaghetti and meatballs. It doesn't sound too special until you have a taste of this heavenly dish. It's got spices and vegetables delicately combined in a hand made tomato sauce. Noodles and hand made spicy meat balls on top. Not those giant meatballs that you get in cheesy restaurants either, no these are small, many of them, and so good.
I ate until I couldn't take another bite. I loaded myself up to go back to school for another week. After dinner I kissed mom, hugged dad, and drove back to my humble pad.
I woke up in the morning and went straight to the can for my morning dump. I dropped a few small dumplings out, but I felt like I wasn't done. Nothing else came out after a few minutes so I moved on to the rest of my day. In the latter half of one of my classes I felt part deux of my morning deuce preparing for blast off. It wasn't like a liquidy I gotta go now, but it was more like there's a lot and once it's moving it aint gonna stop. As soon as class released, I moved quickly to the closest, semi quiet shitter I could find. I found an empty can and proceeded to do my business. Fuck yeah. It kept going and going like that battery bunny. Finally the show was coming to a close and I realized I don't have any shit tickets in the stall. I heard some rustling next door so I called out and asked if this bro could pass some tissue my way. He handed me some paper and l immediately knew something wasn't right. It was like my hand could sense the imminent danger. I had a look at the paper before caressing my butt hole with it. There was something in it. Did this dude spit on the paper? What the fuck........
Before I could say anything to him, the guy blasted out of the door and was gone. I got up and did the waddle of shame to his stall to get some more paper. I glanced at the toilet while grabbing some clean paper, when I realized it wasn't spit on that paper. This bastard left at least a gallon of jizz in the toilet. He had given me his monkey rag and bailed. Dick.
Sensei_Nacho: This wouldn't happen to be the guy who came in his toilet appear and gave it to the guy next to him on accident would it?
qwerteh: It's someone trying to be funny for upvotes by claiming to be the other side of that story. Someone else did the same thing less than an hour ago too
Sensei_Nacho: That's what I thought after reading it again.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1403205531 | 1403211393 | t3_28ks2w | t5_2to41 | 2 | TheMegaBenson: TIFU by asking for toilet paper.
I walked into a bathroom and heard this weird noise coming from the stall next to the one I was entering. It was kind of like a small popping noise.
Anyhow, I sit down to take the browns to the superb owl. I pinch a couple of loaves and realize that there is no toilet paper in my stall. Shit!
I didn't want to walk out with my ass covered in dookie so I asked the man in the stall next to me if he could spare some squares. He shuffles real quick and hands me a wadded up tp bunch with warm liquid on it.
I smelt it (you would too) and it was totes jizz.
TL;DR. Wiped my ass with a jizz soaked TP square.
qwerteh: You're pathetic. Stop making crap up it's not funny. What are you 13?
TheMegaBenson: Cool your jets. It's satire from the post earlier today about a dude handing another dude a jizz loaded to square. You think that one was real?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403204688 | 1403209688 | t3_28kqic | t5_2to41 | 10 | Tebore: TIFU by continuing my diet
Background: So this week I started a new diet, I've been overweight pretty much all of my entire (albeit young) life. It was time to make a change. The diet pretty much works on a two week rota, so every two weeks I start the routine again.
It al started really well with a tasty chicken salad, a light lasagne, beef chilli but then yesterday I went for a nap after college and didn't wake up until late at night and figured I'd just pull an all nighter. It was curry night and I couldn't be bothered to cook properly so I didn't think it would matter too much if I just had my porridge before bed and then had the curry for breakfast, same foods, different times, surely it couldn't make too much of a difference.
Fast forward to after class and it hit me. I needed a shit so bad I couldn't bare it. But I tried to play it cool and sort of walked, I remember once running to the shitter and my dump pretty much falling out like I was shaking it free. So I walked in the stall and knew it was gonna be loud so I set up a parachute by putting some paper down first so no one could hear it. Plan worked, only I used ALL THE TOILET PAPER. My ass was covered in shit and I had no way of cleaning myself up. Fortunately the stall next to me was being used so I politely informed the guy next to me that he would be a bro if he passed me some. I put my hand under and he passed me some paper with the biggest load of cum I'd ever seen! I mean it probably had the same amount of calories as my curry. All I could say was "What the fuck?" Then the guy just sprints out as if his work was done. I figured it was some sick joke and this was all the paper so I let most of t drip off and wiped my ass with the not-so cum-covered portion so my crack stayed jizz free.
It wasn't enough.
I shouted out to see if anyone else was there. No one answered so I flushed and sort of waddled with pants round ankles to the next stall and thank the universe that there was paper in there and I managed to finish wiping.
TL;DR Curry for breakfast can leave you with cum in your bum.
NeverEndingMathEqn: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28j0pb/tifu_by_not_masturbating_nsfw/
I want to believe
dz13: TIFU by not Masturbating: The Untold Story
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1403206159 | 1403216652 | t3_28kt8k | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU: by trying to pee too hard
I'm sure a lot of you have read the TIFU by peeing to hard thread. I, personally, though it was hilarious and decided today to try and pee too hard and make myself pass out while a couple of friends were in the bathroom. It would make for a funny joke. So anyways, here I am, at the urinal blasting away. Holding breath, forcing piss out. I'm willing to bet I was beat red and veins were popping out on my face. Then BAM. I shit myself. I pushed too hard and was not paying any attention to the old shitter, and plopped it out right there in my pants. Needless to say, it sucked.
tl;dr - tried to make myself pass out, ended up shitting myself
_jerk_: [ummm] (http://i.imgur.com/neuEIla.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/FlickeringFaithfulHochstettersfrog](http://gfycat.com/FlickeringFaithfulHochstettersfrog)
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^(GIF size: 1.88 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:150.47 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 0 | |
1403205533 | 1403296841 | t3_28ks31 | t5_2to41 | 6 | speaks_frankly: TIFU by telling my friend how much money I have
I have a nice car but its a little older and we were just chatting up about getting a replacement. While we were looking at some cars online, my friend, referred to as Kim, jokes that I should buy a super expensive car and how much exorbitant the monthly payment will be.
I dont know what I was thinking and I blurt out, "oh, I can buy it outright, no monthly payments." and Kim went "oh, kay".
what sucks is that I know Kim's money has been a bit tight, paying off a student loan, car loan, some planned expenses etc.
Just to be clear, Kim is not having financial troubles, Kim has a couple of retirement accounts, a nice house, a year old new car, stable job, and normal life. Just no surplus $$ in bank.
Also, Kim never asked me for money, so its not like I refused when asked and then proceeded to parade my money in Kim's face.
I just hope our relationship doesnt change based on my one moment of stupidity.
Chochisimo: If she's your friend she won't look at you any differently for it. I grew up in a wealthy town and although my family is considered wealthy I grew up with many people who were A LOT wealthier than me and even though some moments of jealousy arose I always kept them to myself and my friends were always generous when it seemed appropriate. People have different situations in life and you can't always expect your friends to be on the exact same level all the time. Good for you that you are good with your money, and even better that you don't let it determine who you roll with :)
speaks_frankly: I hope you're right
| 3 | 2 | |
1403206586 | 1403366898 | t3_28ktz5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by borrowing my friends camera
So this happened like the day before yesterday. It was a nice tuesday and it was my highschool class 5-year reunion. Before going there I remembered I needed a camera, but my memory card was full so I called up my buddy, whose camera I had borrowed many times. I asked him about the camera and he said "sure, but one one condition." (i was like: he wants a beer once again, does'nt he?) "dont check the pics on the sd-card." I was like: "then format the card?" "Those pics are important and personal." answered he. Me: "aight, I wont spy on you *wierded out laughter occurs*."
I arrive at the reunion, greet old friends, take some photos, talk to our teacher.
Our teacher. She wanted to take some photos, so I gave her the camera.
Teacher ---> camera ---> bad idea.
We are all having good time, when out of the blue, my teacher calls me, creeped out. She was browsing through the photos and saw something. Something F-d up. It seems that my buddy, who I borrowed the camera from had creeped on his neighbours and had taken pictures of their wives and them having sexual intercourses at night. F-'n creepy as shit. My teacher thought they were mine. That's really F-d.
My friend hasn't been picking up the phone and everyone in my fall think i'm an asshole and a pervert.
TL;DR: friends camera was full of pervy pictures and I got the blame.
[deleted]: Totally your fault. You knew the camera had questionable pictures on them, so why give it to your Teacher?
SilithDark: Tis why OP posted in TIFU not Today Someone Fucked Up And I Was Blamed.
[deleted]: Yea...Tis why I agreed with him.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1403208517 | 1403305972 | t3_28kxbg | t5_2to41 | 1,154 | tifuthrowey: TIFU by being honest with a potential employer at a bar about why I won't be taking shift drinks.
Ok, it's a little more complicated than that. I was offered a job running sound at an amazing historic blues bar in my hometown. The guy offering me the job is a good long time friend.
He was explaining to me the perks of the job, which included a free beer and a "big-ole glass of any liquor I want." I explained to him that I haven't drank hard liquor in over a year and wouldn't be taking that drink because I used to have a pretty serious drinking problem. When he later told me that I could have my shift beer before I started my shift and that it was OK to drink while running sound, I explained that I would have to wait until the end of the night because otherwise I would down a few pints while on the job and I didn't want to perform poorly. I'm only 135 pounds so a few pints go a long way for me.
He texted me today to tell me that he found someone else and I inquired why.
"Telling me you have no self-control with liquor inspires little confidence. I'm sorry."
I didn't argue, and let him know I wish him the best of luck. But goddamn I'm bummed out and kind of pissed. (He has 2 DUIs so I think we know who REALLY has the drinking problem. The motherfucker.)
*edit: Wow! I didn't expect this to blow up! Thanks for all the support!
*edit 2: I got several messages about where I live, what bar, and what band I'm in. You can google King Thumper. I don't feel comfortable posting a direct link as it seems wrong in this case. Do the work if you care to find out, otherwise, cheers!
cessairlives: ... Um, it sounds to me like you have some pretty amazing self-control with liquor. Like ... you know, NOT DRINKING IT AT WORK.
tifuthrowey: He didn't see it that way. Oh well. It's all over now. Thanks for the support though man!
DiabolicallyRandom: Its probably more if I had to hazard a guess that he wants to hire someone who is like him. Someone who is "fun". Your fun factor immediately took a dive in his mind when you admitted you didn't want to drink on the job.
Jitae1: Or he doesn't want someone who might relapse or has a drinking problem running his bar. That's quite responsible for a businessman to decide.
Decepticle: There's a pretty whopping big difference between running a sound board and running a bar. Perhaps you should re-read the original post before offering us any further opinions.
Jitae1: Wow I'm a fuckin idiot. I retract my statement. Haha
furicorvus: Oh shit someone admitted they are wrong on the Internet. That's a first
Jitae1: I know, right!? Haha I mean I could argue with you if you would prefer. But I don't really have a leg to stand on seeing how our disagreement stemmed on me being an idiot. Have a good rest of your day man!
| 9 | 128.222222 | |
1403205495 | 1403230385 | t3_28ks0k | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by paying at Walmart
Today my friend and I drove across town to get some more USA paraphernalia at Walmart, because one we **love this God damn country**, and two need to be prepared for Sundays game.
After shopping around for a bit we decided we had found what we needed and that is when we proceed to checkout. This is when I started to fuck up.
(For background, my current summer job is working at a bar down town, so I am always getting tipped out and have a lot of smaller bills.)
The man behind the register (who is middle aged) scans everything and tells me that the total is $53.47. So I count out a plethora of ones, something into the thirties and the rest in fives and hand the man the money. Immediately I am having the inner monologue / panic attack of "there is no way I gave him enough money, you are an idiot". That whole speech.
He counts it out and sure enough it was the right amount. In a fit of "Oh thank god" I turn too my friend and say "Saaaaweeeeettt I went to college, I can count." Completely meaning that thank god I can count money seeing I am a recent college grad. The gentlemen behind the counter took this as a direct attack to his intelligence (which I can totally understand how, even though it was not intended in this manner) and begins yelling at me.
"You think you are better than me because you went to college? Just because you went to college YOU THINK YOU ARE SMARTER THAN ME. I am here working at Walmart just trying to earn a honestly living and I have pricks like you coming in INSULTING ME BECAUSE OF WHERE I WORK."
After he said some other super friendly things to me and my friend, I apologized immensely and told him he misinterpreted me and carried about on our way. I feel terrible and its obvious and I can never go back there again.
**TL;DR - I inadvertently insulted a mans intelligence while questioning my own at Walmart.**
SublaciniateCarboloy: You accidentally insulted someone who you will probably never come in contact with again for the rest of your life, no fuck up here.
KingBee13: Shut the fuck up, you fucking uncouth cunt.
It's fine, I can totally say that, I'm just insulting you because I'll never have contact with you for the rest of my life.
Seriously though, it's nice to be nice; whether you will meet them again or not is almost irrelevant
CarnivorousHerbivore: I think the key word you missed in his statement was "accidentally". You just intentionally insulted him; bit of a difference. I agree with your point though, everybody love everybody.
SublaciniateCarboloy: Exactly. You shouldn't worry about clearing up a situation with a random stranger if it was by accident. If OP would have told the cashier to "Shut the fuck up, you fucking uncouth cunt," then that would warrant an apology because whoever would say something like that to another human being unprovoked is just a prick.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1403208554 | 1403219300 | t3_28kxd6 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Nomichan: TIFU by going to the laundromat
A couple nights ago, I collected all my dirty clothes and booked it to the laundromat around 10:45 at night. They close at midnight so I got there with just barely enough time to wash, dry and fold all my stuff. After loading the washing machine and settling in for a bit, I got a case of the burning tummy rumbles. Now, being someone who's got Crohn's disease, this happens on a fairly regular basis.
I got up to use the bathroom, but it was "out of service." "It's cool," I thought, "I'm a seasoned pro at suppressing the urge to poop!" So, I sat back down and tried to focus on other things. The rumbles grew more intense and suddenly, I knew I had to act on the urge.
I got up and asked the worker if there was another bathroom I could use, but no, no luck! Time was ticking and my wash would soon be done. Driving home would eat up at least 15 or 20 minutes of precious drying time and there were no other open establishments nearby that I could count on having a bathroom. No time for error!
Not knowing what the hell I was going to do, I walked outside to the parking lot. I quickly went into panic mode and nervously looked around for a place to go. Too many lights by the dumpster, plus cameras pointing right at it. A plastic bag lay near my car, "I can totally poop in that bag..." I thought. As I walked over to get the bag I realized that time was almost out. I grabbed the bag and opened my car door, I guess I thought I could poop in the bag in my car? The moment came before I could do anything with the bag. Without hesitation, I ripped my underwear off and kablammo! My bowels unloaded. Right there. In the parking lot, next to my car. A LOT of poop.
Thank GOD I was wearing a dress, and amazingly enough, NO one was in the parking lot, walking past the parking lot, or standing on one of the porches that overlooked the parking lot. Absolutely shocked that that had REALLY just happened, I reached into my glove compartment, found a stack of tissue and hand sanitizer, cleaned myself up and sat in my car for a moment just blinking and thinking, "Seriously?!" Seconds later, someone pulled into the lot and I decided it was best if I moved away from the giant pile of poop. I rode around the block, found a new parking space, went back in and finished up my laundry.
So, there ya have it. TIFU by shitting myself in the laundromat parking lot!
Shockling: Lies... girls don't poop.
[deleted]: Can confirm, am a girl.
| 3 | 11 | |
1403209805 | 1403238126 | t3_28kzht | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering another fleshlight
For those who don't know about my last encounter http://redd.it/2226g1.
Today I thought I had learned. I thought I had honestly learned from the last time. But I didn't and I probably never will. I am writing this with a trashcan near my couch.
Today was the day that I was going to try out my newer fleshlight since my other one was ripped in half from my dick plundering. My mom was at work a few miles away from my house and my dad was off running errands until 2. There couldn't have been a more perfect time to try out my new toy.
The fleshlight actually came in a day before today, but I couldn't open it because the rents were home. I can still remember the look and facial expression of "mm hmm" from the mailman.
I waited until it was about 1 since my dad left at 12. I pulled out the pornography to get nice and hard and also pull out my new toy. I carefully opened the package with a pocket knife and was confused. The fleshlight had two ends. One was a big hole and the other a really small hole (probably to simulate an anus).
Since I did not have any lubricant, I had to use some hair conditioner. Which was cool because now my dick smells like apples and I don't need to clean it off as much. I grabbed the towel I had used after my shower this morning and laid it across the couch cushions in my room (I remember what happened with the last couch I used).
The time came and so did I. As fast as I had thought about the pleasure of my new toy, I had already done the deed. Meh.
I washed the fleshlight and then myself. As soon as I was done, I had heard a car door slam from outside. I knew it was my dad returning, but luckily, I had already gotten rid of any evidence of happy funtime.
My dad called out my name and said that he had brought lunch. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed my food, and then headed back too my room.
When I started eating, I noticed that my fries were peculiarly saltier than usual.
"Hmmmm..."
I ignored it and nom'd on, but then I got to my burger.
"*munch* *munch* *realization then gulp*"
I rubbed my teeth and heard and felt them squeak like your hair after showering after going swimming.
"Oh shit."
I forgot to wash my hands. I still had jizz residue on my hands while I was eating and it was no doubt that that's what was making my food so salty and weird tasting.
I started gagging instantly. I ran to my bathroom and proceeded to throw up everywhere except the toilet bowl. It was a holocaust of puke.
After losing my lunch, I finally washed my hands and sat on my couch sniveling with tears in my eyes, then I got on reddit.
Wash your hands people. WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS
TL;DR: Thought I had learned from last time. No.
ex_animo: >I washed the fleshlight and then myself.
>I forgot to wash my hands.
Washing yourself with your feet OP?
SheZowRaisedByWolves: Dick.
Voyager5555: You washed yourself with your dick?
iggloovortex: how did you wash your dick if not with your hands. your hands had to have gotten washed during either of the washings. unless you were wearing gloves
SheZowRaisedByWolves: I put my dick under the bath tub faucet and let the water wash it off.
iggloovortex: thats super weird and it wouldnt even have been clean at that point
| 7 | 4.142857 | |
1403210713 | 1403235943 | t3_28l135 | t5_2to41 | 1 | pirateshade: TIFU by cutting and handling jalapenos
Then later rubbing my eyelids and picking my nose. Currently typing this with one eye closed. ;o
Coopr2010: I have to ask, you did know this...right, but forgot. Aaaand picking your nose is gross- you deserved that. Sorry, little or no sympathy for nose-pickers.
pirateshade: Everyone is a nose-picker. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you aren't a nose picker... you couldn't look yourself in the eyes!!
Coopr2010: How wrong you are. It's a disgusting and unhealthy.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1403195167 | 1403234986 | t3_28k94x | t5_2to41 | 5 | ecclectic: TIFU by not using the crane.
I build custom machines at my shop, yesterday I was given plans for a shop press, the material to be used was 3x6 3/8th wall hollow steel, weighs in about 19.82 lbs/foot. I had 3 sticks on the floor, I had already cut through 2, and had put a 6' offcut on the floor next to the full lengths. There are 3 other guys in the shop and I didn't want to tie up one of the cranes for this, so I picked up one end of the offcut, stepped over one of the other full lengths promptly lost my balance tried to step backwards, catching my ankle on the length on the floor. So I start dancing backwards whilst trying to hold half of a 119lb piece of steel, until I finally lose it and end up dropping the steel to try to cushion my fall with my hands, leaving it to fall, directly onto my ankle.
So I get up, write an incident report, ice it and go back to work, after about 3 hours it's getting really sore, after 4 I can hardly walk on it, so I book off to get it looked at.
Thankfully, it's not broken, at least not so far as the xray could show, but now it's all swollen and hurts worse than when I broke my toe.
sameoldnigga: let's hear it for workers comp!
hip, hip...
ecclectic: Hooray!
Yeah, even if it's only one day, it makes a difference having it there when you need it.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403211877 | 1403422628 | t3_28l34h | t5_2to41 | 4 | ilikemelonsmuch: TIFU by accidentally washing my cat in the dishwasher
Ok. Here's some background: I have a very very small cat who often sneaks around the house and i don't even bother to search for her. Somewhere around 3PM, my mom calls me (i am alone at home this week) and tells me to wash the dishes. As i'm very lazy, i decided to use the dishwasher, because why the fuck not? So i started putting the dishes in the dishwasher, I was wearing my headphones at the time, because i was listening to some new album. After about 2 minutes (time that i spent in the bathroom) i start hearing some high-pitched noises, but i thought those were just some static from my headphones, and i continued to not give a fuck about anything, as i browsed reddit. After about 10 minutes i was hungry so i got out to get some pizza. Hopefully, i live right next to a pizzeria and i got home about 10 mins after. When i come home and i get ready to eat the big-ass pizza, i see the kitchen fucking filled with water, and my cat on the fridge (how the hell did she get there? it's about 2 meters tall). As i started eating my delicious pizza i start realising what just happend and i thought this was my biggest fuck up in the last month. Even now i don't know how the fuck did my cat survive that, but she's not entering the kitchen anymore.
And just so you know, the pizza was **delicious**.
cheesellama_thedevil: Biggest fuck up for you in the last month?
I absolutely must see your other TIFU threads...
ilikemelonsmuch: this is my first post here. but stay tuned! i'm stupid as fuck
cheesellama_thedevil: Lol is there a way I can subscribe to you?
ilikemelonsmuch: ??? maybe i can send you a pm if some shit happens right when i post it here
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1403212156 | 1650672210 | t3_28l3ll | t5_2to41 | 37 | wub-wub-wub: TIFU by drinking a 20 oz. Red Bull first thing in the morning on an empty stomach aaaand now I'm in the hospital!
This was actually yesterday but I couldn't post from the hospital.
I do IT work for a very large entertainment company, they signed me up for online training to get certified for VMware vSphere so I've been sitting at home all week logged into the virtual class for 10 hours each day. I've been dozing during the lectures which sucks because I really enjoy the class. So, this morning I get up and pound a 20 oz. Red Bull without any food in my belly, felt ok for about an hour, then... Cold sweats, vomiting, severe muscle pain, blacking out. So now I'm at the hospital (by myself because my wife didn't want to be board so she just dropped me off, what a great person...) Anyways, I figure, caffeine OD, and/or dehydration. But the doctor thinks I'm passing a kidney stone or maybe even pneumonia. That's what he said anyways. Even so, no more Red Bull for this guy!
JonasBrosSuck: update on the wife situation?
wub-wub-wub: What's to update? She can be a horrible person sometimes. I don't think she means it, she has anxiety disorder and has a hard time with hospitals
VeliVoy: How it's going now?
[deleted]: Wait why are you in this thread 7 years later hahaha - I was like wait … 7y then 13d… woah
VeliVoy: Haha, I'd like to ask you the same question.... wonder how this thread is not archived already.
I have been addicted to energy drinks lately.
[deleted]: Same. I was actually looking for info on why they make me feel like a million pounds, stumbled on this. Lmao
| 7 | 5.285714 | |
1403211407 | 1403236453 | t3_28l2ai | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a bath full of centipedes.
I was in a rush to get ready for work, and I didn't bother inspecting the tub before I turned on the water and ran to another room for a minute. Came back, shut the water off, and after a few minutes of being in the tub i noticed something floating out of the corner of my eye behind the curtain. I told myself it was my imagination since I had only seen it for a split second but something in the back of my mind told me to move the curtains (which I did) to notice I was taking a bath full of floating dead centipedes.
I might throw up from writing this. I think I blacked out after that because the next thing I knew I was in another room freaking out.
mothertheresaxxx: I live in Ruston, Louisiana, and we had two particularly dry summers two years in a row. Since it was so dry outside, all of the centipedes came into our house from god knows where. They were on the ceilings, the walls, the floors. Everywhere. We had an exterminator come in a few times both summers. They wouldn't die. We ended up staying with my grandparents most of the time. It was disgusting.
witchling_22: LOL I can confirm the dry ass weather and centipedes: from Lafayette.
mothertheresaxxx: It's miserable!
witchling_22: I know, beyween the heat and the freaking humidity I feel like walking goo.. And now that it's rained a bit: *Mosquitos!*
mothertheresaxxx: Louisiana weather is here to punish us. God sends mini plagues of mosquitos and centipedes and wasps and lizard. It's torture. How does your hair stand the weather because mine is a huge pile of fluffy and frizzy hair?
witchling_22: I am rocking a fro. I'm mixed and this freaking weather is playing absolute hell on my hair.
mothertheresaxxx: My poor best friend has the same issue. During winter it's beautiful but as soon as summer comes most of us are rocking fros or ponytails.
witchling_22: It stays in a massive bun in the summer lol
| 9 | 4.444444 | |
1403212694 | 1403226493 | t3_28l4kp | t5_2to41 | 336 | Meowalicious: TIFU: By Leaving My REDDIT Account Open at Work
crustyoreo: Lol
[deleted]: lol
degeneratesaint: lol
RandomPrecision1: lol
Nyx_Shadow: lol
turkeyfox: It just looks like a drowning stick figure now.
IkonikK: lol
| 8 | 42 | |
1403216119 | 1403218550 | t3_28la96 | t5_2to41 | 7 | tlk666: TIFU
I should have remembered....
Well we all jack off not lying I was going to watch some and well...
I forgot I have a option to make sure the noise only comes in the earphones fuckk... I checked it wasn't done...
I know that my neighbors can hear mabey I just they didn't....
Thins wall but hopefully it doesn't make anything awkward word...
TIFU: BY NOT Remembering that I had to make sure the sound would only go to my computer....
mythrowawayresponse: **I UNDERSTOOD THIS** ... I don't know why or how... but I understood it...
tlk666: Was it horrible to understand? just quick I thought some heard just plain and simple as that.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403219794 | 1403230888 | t3_28lfz0 | t5_2to41 | 29 | TIFUThrowaway619: TIFU by sending a dick video to the wrong girl.
Just like the title says. I met a girl on Tinder. Was chatting with her. Another girl wanted videos/pics of my dick... And I sent it in the wrong thread.
She hasn't responded and it has been 8 minutes. I don't know that I will ever post a follow up (unless it works out).
The shock that washed over my body isn't something I have felt in a long time. I don't normally send pics like this to anyone, so I am mortified that this picture went to the wrong girl.
Edit: TIFR - TO DAY I FUCKING ROCKED - by sending a girl a video of me beating my dick!
dancingmrt: Wow. Alpha-material aside, did you try apologizing/explaining yourself?
TIFUThrowaway619: Nope. Just ignored it. She sent back another message ignoring the fact that it happened. I sent one back after that and it still has been some time. I know from the previous conversation that she is still wrapped up with work stuff for another 16 minutes so maybe she didn't open it (being at work). I am guessing that sometime in the next 30 minutes she will open it and then that is when I hope shit isn't introduced to the fan.
dancingmrt: Load up more dick videos. Really drive that dick home :)
TIFUThrowaway619: She is getting more of them. She LOVED IT!!!!! FUCK YEAH!
dancingmrt: Then this is the greatest win!
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1403221280 | 1403324153 | t3_28li5w | t5_2to41 | 808 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my boyfriend's mom walk in on me blowing her son
As I was going down on my boyfriend in his basement, whilst porn was loudly playing on the laptop next to us, the worst happened. A door opens as we scramble half naked to get dressed and look presentable. My boyfriend's mother is making her way down the steps while my now unbuttoned blouse is exposing my sheer tank top which my breast do not fit. My mouth is completely wet and obviously covered in saliva. My boyfriend's shorts are at his ankles under the blanket because he struggled to get them up. She rounds the corner and as I'm clicking the cancel of the many porn browsers she is simultaneously handing me and my boyfriend Klondike bars, smiles sweetly, and walks back upstairs. It could not be more obvious that I was blowing my boyfriend as if I was auditioning for porn myself.
I'm terrified and my boyfriend is laughing his ass off at my very mortified state.
I know this probably isn't that bad compared to most. Does anyone have worse or just relatable stories so I don't feel so traumatized?
* Apologies for my shit grammar
**Edit-The troll who posted in TIFU as well as the pretend mother is a troll folks. This is real, sadly. The troll is just trollin'.
nhebert1987: Whats so traumatizing? His mom saw you giving him a blowjob, and rewarded you with a Klondike bar! At least now she knows what you will do for a Klondike bar.
girlburrito: That's exactly what he said! Oh god, it's so true!
TheChalupaBatman: What would you doooOOOOOoooo for a Klondike bar?
mr_twitch: I don't get it. Is it because I'm Australian?
cheesellama_thedevil: I googled it, and apparently you guys don't have Klondike Bars down there. Darn man, they're great...
TheChalupaBatman: If they did have them they would probably cost something stupid, like $50 per bar.
mr_twitch: We have some places that sell specialized american lollies and chocolate. Pretty exxy for most stuff though
TheChalupaBatman: Yeah, I've got a friend from Australia, every time he heads back there he stocks up on Oreos, Reeses, and all kinds of other crap. He was also the one that informed me its cheaper to fly to California and back to purchase any Adobe software.
mr_twitch: That's true. You can stay there for almost a week too
| 10 | 80.8 | |
1403221827 | 1403285817 | t3_28lj0b | t5_2to41 | 6,133 | mtashed: TIFU: By "meatspinning" my mom.
My girlfriend was over for a few days, and unfortunately I live with my parents while I attend University.
We have a goofy relationship..and more often than not I am doing something awkward or crazy to get a laugh out of her.
She left the room without saying much and I assumed she walked into the bathroom next to my bedroom, as shortly after she left, I hear the door close.
I pulled off my pants and slowly unlocked to door to avoid making a sound...
Got my dick in a full helicopter then burst into the room.
My mom is sitting there screaming at the horror at the tornado of cock headed towards her. (cocknado)
I am so embarrassed.. we haven't made eye contact yet.
Will keep you up to date when the awkward silence ends
Edit:
Mom: Don't worry about it. Your dad does that all the time...
Me: TO BATTLE!!!!..JK
-She just started laughing while making the salad for dinner and said "what the fuck Michael"
Edit:Turned out OK. We had a good chuckle at dinner and she knows I was trying to bug my Gf but now she thinks I am a weirdo haha.
johnsolomon: Tornado of cock... can't stop laughing
mtashed: lolol that is the only thing that makes sense to describe how violently I was swinging it
jakealc1: Not sure if you came up with "meatspinning" but regardless it's the greatest word ever.
mtashed: just don't go to meatspin.com
that isn't a "go check it out"
you will regret it lol
sandman369: I have to be that guy and say you didn't meatspin her, you helicopter-dicked her. Meatspinning is riding a cock to engage in helicoptering.
[deleted]: Meatspinning is when you're 15 and change the homepage on every computer you come in contact with.
cyph3x: Apparently I've been 15 for 7 years
tonytwotoes: ... going on 12 years at the age of 15
STIPULATE: Does this mean I can go back to 15?
thejustchad: sorry you missed your shot at 15 :(
| 11 | 557.545455 | |
1403222550 | 1403234484 | t3_28lk1i | t5_2to41 | 43 | TorchInThroat: TIFU by walking up the stairs with salsa dip and a torch in my mouth at 3am.
This happened about 45 minutes ago. I'm currently Redditing from hospital.
So, it's a quiet summers night for a lonely teen, and I casually decide to begin watching a movie at 3am. I decided to grab some snacks for the movie, so I went downstairs to get some doritos and salsa dip. I also wanted a drink so I got a glass of water to down it all with.
My house is dark, and quite old, so it gets pretty creepy at night. Call me a pussy, but I'm not venturing downstairs without my mini torch.
I have to be incredibly quiet, so I don't wake my parents. I'm 17, so I still live with them. I snuck downstairs and grabbed all the shit I needed to sit down and enjoy the film. Only my hands were full with doritos, salsa and a glass of water. How would I carry my mini torch and fend off the evil darkness? I would put it in my mouth!
I began creeping back up the stairs, hands full with a torch in my mouth. My mouth was getting strained from holding the torch and stretching around to find the correct places on the staircase that don't make a fucking stupidly loud noise.
I was half way up the staircase and as I was fidgeting around to find the next safe spot in the following step, when the foot anchoring me to the previous step slipped. I fell face first into the staircase with a torch parked between my teeth, landing into a now smashed salsa dip and glass of water. To add insult to injury, the doritos went everywhere too. I was now lying in a shit ton of broken glass with hot salsa leaking into my cuts, staring at 4 of my front teeth in a small pool of blood on the stairwell.
I heard movement from my parent's room, which the stair well leads straight up to. Shortly after I heard movement, I hear my dad scream "**WHAT THE FUCK!?**" as he almost rips the door of its hinges, curious as to what's going on. He knows it's not a robbery, because the family dog didn't bark.
My dad is a very stern and strict motherfucker. He has always taken it over the top when my brother and I do wrong. I guess he had reason to be legitimately in hulk mode at this point though.
He marches to the top of the stairs, sees me and shouts "**YOU LITTLE SWINE**" as he begins charging down the stairs. He arrives on the step just above where my face lay disorientated and realizes the emergency. I was taken to hospital immediately, and now here I sit. My dad is still pissed though, vowing to take my gaming PC from me. I can understand his frustration, I was being an idiot.
What's the damage? 4 of my front teeth are now fake, I needed about 30 stitches in total and my throat is as sore as a hookers on her birthday. Oh and I have almost no entertainment for the next 3 months.
TL;DR: Don't try and do elaborate sneaking with a torch in your mouth while carrying class containers filled with water and salsa.
Edit: Grammar.
MrTopHatJones: Fuck that fucking sucks fuck tons of fucking monkey fucks.
TorchInThroat: Indeed it does.
MrTopHatJones: My aunt has some fake teeth, at least now you can scare the neighbourhood kids by pulling them out!! If they're removable of course.
TorchInThroat: They are removable. I am preparing for Halloween!
MrTopHatJones: Nice! Way to keep a good attitude in a shitty situation! How is your dad now?
TorchInThroat: Trying my best to keep it together! And my dad is alright now, he understands the situation, thankfully.
MrTopHatJones: That's good. What movie were you going to watch? And whet did you get the stitches?
TorchInThroat: Thanks. And I was going to watch Lone Survivor. I got the stitches around 2 and a half hours ago.
MrTopHatJones: Sorry meant where.
TorchInThroat: Oh right, sorry, in a surgery room.
Edit: I'm an idiot. The stitches were placed all over my stomach and arms, with a few in my upper thighs.
TheCrazyCrochetLady: I think he means where on your body
*unless* you knew this and was making a joke.
| 12 | 3.583333 | |
1403223441 | 1403231100 | t3_28llc9 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a Klondike bar to my son and his girlfriend.
zigzaggeezus: Op never stated if they were male or female in this post. So not sure of the relevance of that fact
fealtsos: Look at the post someone else linked to in the comments. It's the same story from the girlfriend's perspective. The girlfriend says her boyfriend's mom came down the stairs and found them. If OP is a male, the girlfriend's story should say the dad came downstairs.
zigzaggeezus: Or they are two dif stories...or other story is the troll and lying
fealtsos: Yeah, it's all possible. Who knows...
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1403228384 | 1403230443 | t3_28lslt | t5_2to41 | 7 | perraph: TIFU by shaving my balls with an electric razor
I wanted to get a couple hairs that I missed shaving but I didn't feel like opening a new pack of razors (threw away my last razor earlier) so I reached for the electric razor. First time with an electric razor, works on my face why would it hurt my balls I figured.
Razor clips the "perineal raphe" (as I found out its called on Google) and a very little bit is hanging out, no worries I'll just pull on it a bit. Pull on it and an inch of perineal raphe goes with it. Lots of blood. Looks like someone took an xacto knife and ran it up the underside of the shaft of my dick where the line is.
Horrified. Cringing thinking of it, typing this. It was fucking terrifying. Cut of the excess perineal raphe skin (nasty). Currently have a band aid on my dick. Doesn't hurt but it was bad.
TL;DR: Just a public service announcement to not use an electric razor to shave your balls!!
Edit: NSFW MS Paint skills: http://imgur.com/YeblFm6
el_crunz: Where is that located on my dick?
perraph: Google perineal raphe, but if your really don't want to see pics of dicks it's the line that runs along your bottom shaft from the tip of your dick all the way down under your balls.
el_crunz: Sounds heinous. Godspeed.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403228553 | 1403304462 | t3_28lsv3 | t5_2to41 | 175 | lookatthisthrowaway3: TIFU by having a cum spot
This actually unfolded over the entirety of my teenage years. I should probably use a throwaway but since this account started as such, I guess I will stick with it.
I experienced the joy of jizzin' when I was ten. It was glorious. But I couldn't get off by normal means, I had to have my dingaling pushed up against something. I liked the pressure. This basically translated to just dry humping things. At first, it started with the bed, but the bed wasn't enough pressure after a little while, so I switched to my carpeted floor. I kept my underwear on most of the time, so a lot of jizz stayed in and just stained my laundry, but a lot of it also leaked out the top and onto the carpet.
I actually didn't figure out how to masturbate the "normal" way till I was 16, and even to this day I have a hard time cumming without feeling pressure on my click stick.
There was one spot in particular where I could lay on my belly without having to move stuff around, right next to my bed. It became my Cum Spot. So, over the next few years, I jizzed on a daily basis in that very spot. It became crusty and yellow. I put my Lego box over the top of it to hide it when my mom came into my room.
One day, I forgot the Lego box, and my mom saw the giant, three-year old hunk of crust that was on that section of carpet. It was so orange that my mom thought it was orange juice. I lied and said that it was. I spent the next three weeks or so trying to remove it by scrubbing with hot water, which only spread it around and made it worse. I kind of just let it go and my mom must have forgotten, because it wasn't mentioned again.
I realize that having a Cum Spot right there was probably a bad idea, so My 12 year old brain did the smart thing and **picked another spot elsewhere in my room.** So that spot fills up with orange crust as time passes. I also found another spot-- my bathroom rug. This was my best choice yet, since it was tossed into the wash every once in a while, no one would notice.
After my new Cum Spots filled up, I got complacent and went back to my old one.
When I was about 15, my mom found the spots-- again-- and when I got off the bus, I saw a white van parked by my house with a cleaning logo. Yep, she called in a professional cleaning service. It was just one guy, and apparently he spent well over an hour on my room, particularly on my Cum Spot. He came downstairs and my parents were joking about how hard it must have been to clean, and he just laughed and shook his head and said it was one of the hardest stains he's ever had to work on. I have no idea if they knew what it was, but I wanted to die inside the whole time. My parents were naively religious so I'm hoping they thought it was still orange juice. He couldn't even get it completely clean, there was still this vague orange hue to that part of the carpet.
Around this time, I finally figured out-- I could leave a strip of toilet paper over the carpet and hump that. Problem was, it tore easily, and oftentimes my cum would miss. So even though it was much cleaner than straight-up jizzing on the carpet, there was still cum buildup.
Like I said, when I was 16 I learned how to whack my mole the normal way by rubbing it. It felt really good and there was a lot more cum than I was used to. I got really confused-- why did I hump the carpet? Why did that get me off? Was I some kind of sexual deviant? Would I ever be able to have normal sex since I was apparently a pressure-freak? I mixed it up a bit by batin' the normal way on some days, and humping the floor on other days. Idk, I was a weird teenager, I don't even know why the fuck I did this.
When I was 18, my mom found my Cum Spot, again, and rented a carpet steam thing for me to use. She didn't even say anything. I think she knew. My parents were religious and didn't talk openly about sex, so this sort of silent appearance of the rented steam cleaner was probably the confirmation that she knew I was batin'. I spend at least two fucking weeks trying to clean up my own ancient cum, some of which was now eight years old.
At this point I had slowed down a bit on my mole whackin', only doing it every other day or so instead once or twice daily. I also figured out that I could just stay in bed and take care of my morning wood. I would just let my jizz spill over. This happened for about two years and I didn't think anything of it, till I came home from school and my mom bought me a whole new mattress. She had stripped my bed to do laundry and said that my mattress was so disgusting that she just bought me a new one. Didn't say anything else. She knew.
I also realized that she had hired a cleaning service for about a year to come in and do the laundry (we were kind of rich), so these random cleaning ladies had also seen my cum-encrusted mattress. I was mortified.
Looking back on my floor-humpin' years, I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck was wrong with me and why I didn't just masturbate the normal way. Once I learned how to do that, I just stood over the toilet and let go.
**TL;DR** Humped my floor, cum galore.
el_crunz: If you think this is bad, have you heard about the cum box?
lookatthisthrowaway3: Yeah, that guy had the right idea, it was portable and disposable. My carpet and bed, not so much.
el_crunz: He had the right idea? No, he didn't.
lookatthisthrowaway3: I'm not sure how to respond and didn't ever think there would be a time in my life where I would be having a conversation like this.
el_crunz: Lol yeah here I am, talking about cum boxes. What have I become ...
[deleted]: "What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end"
gall1891: If I wasn't so broke I would give you gold
[deleted]: The thought is what counts, man. Thanks.
gall1891: Although I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to that song the same way again.
[deleted]: XD I wish I could apologize, but the fact that you can't listen to what is arguably one of the best songs Johnny Cash ever produced without thinking of cum-encrusted carpet has me giggling. #sorrynotsorry
#ohgodI'minfectedkillme
gall1891: "You can have it all my empire if dirt" this is so much worse now.
[deleted]: "The needle tears a hole,
The old familiar sting"
"Beneath the stains of time,
The feelings disappear"
gall1891: Now I need a new favorite song
[deleted]: Might I suggest [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1c2KzJbcGA&feature=kp)?
gall1891: My life is more complete having seen that bit still it can't replace cash.
[deleted]: That is a common struggle. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I doff my proverbial cap to you, sir!
| 17 | 10.294118 | |
1403228816 | 1403299217 | t3_28lt87 | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by "liking" a porn video
Last night I was browsing the eternal depths of boobies and future mommys and without noticing I clicked the handy dandy thumbs up symbol when I was trying to start the video.
I only found out this afternoon because EVERYBODY was talking about it at school today. And my parents gave me a little talkin too. And my grandparents.
shallpass2u: Definitely falls in the "Oops" category, on the up side, people know you're normal now......
Enghiskhan: Plot twist: it was amputee midget porn.
[deleted]: midget r/nuggetporn.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1403229330 | 1403307279 | t3_28ltz2 | t5_2to41 | 206 | titsmckee: TIFU by having sex NSFW
Ok so this wasn't today but pretty recent.
So i'm an 18 year old male who recently have a friends with benefits going on with a girl. This had been going on for a while now and we were... how should i say it ? 'getting it on' almost every day for the past couple weeks.
She asked me to come over her place because her parents were out and I being the typical 18 year old male said fuck yes! so we were getting it on (it was quite loud must i add) and we heard a car door out the front. We thought it was the neighbours so we just kept on going. Next thing we know her front door was being opened so we quickly stop and she threw on her dress with breakneck speed and said "stay here ill distract mum and then you sneak out the door."
As soon as she opens the door her mum is standing there staring in and sees me buck naked, fully erect with the condom still on my dick.
She instantly begins to yell at me while i'm struggling to put on clothes. I manage to put on my shorts (no undies condom still on) and then my shirt, quick scoop of the wallet, keys and phone and I am out of there! On my way out the mother is just screaming and me and all the words i could muster were "i'm sorry! i'm sorry!" I make it out the front door to see her Dad and i'm just thinking oh god this guy is going to belt me and I havent even got the condom off. But luckily all he said was "seeya later mate'" as i walked past into my car.
I now know not to go to a girls house with the parents not home unless i know they will be out for hours.
Fogism: Was the dad aware you were fornicating his daughter? If so
> "seeya later mate"
Is not only the worst response a FATHER could give (on the possibility he wants to see you again) but a pun as well.
titsmckee: well i'm pretty sure he was aware. but being Australian this is just the classic reply to anything that has happened
Fogism: I figured so much. It's still hilariously bad.
titsmckee: yeah i can finally see the funny side!
SpongederpSquarefap: I can imagine him laughing his ass off and her mom screaming at him
theeberk: I swear I have seen you on /r/PKA a lot...
| 7 | 29.428571 | |
1403229438 | 1403274039 | t3_28lu4d | t5_2to41 | 9 | alchupanebrae: TIFU by losing my financial aid.
I went to college right after high school, like a lot of people. And, like a lot of people, I switched majors a couple of times, racked up a lot of credit hours, but didn't actually get a degree. So, fast forward to 10 years later present day. I just completed by third quarter of going back to college for the third time. I'm doing well, I'm staying focused, and it's my #1 priority.
I used financial aid to pay for the first 2 quarters, and payed out of pocket for the third. I dropped a class after the date where you don't get a refund. I assumed this would be ok. This was about a month ago. Today I found out, that because of all of the credit hours I have without completion, and because I have a "W" now, I'm disqualified for Financial Aid, and have no idea how to come up with a grand by mid July.
Edit 1: clarified that I didn't fuck up today per say, but I learned that there would be consequences today.
[deleted]: Can you undrop the class?
alchupanebrae: The quarter is already done. I guess I didn't really fuck up today, but I learned that there would be consequences for my actions today.
[deleted]: Time to do a bake sale and car wash.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1403230109 | 1403232432 | t3_28lv4w | t5_2to41 | 3 | ibringtampons: TIFU by sharing an experience from dinner the night before with a friend.
I was in my home room at school, it was before teaching started and everyone is being pretty loud so I'm basically screaming to talk to a friend two feet away from me. I told him that I was at dinner the night before and overheard this woman say "I never leave the house without a tampon" however somehow right as I said that part of the sentence it was extremely quiet and everyone stares at me and erupts into laughter. Nobody heard me say the context of the sentence. Rest of the day was akward. Thank god I only have one day left of school.
Throwaway for possibly obvious reasons.
crustyoreo: Obvious reasons? What obvious reasons
ibringtampons: People know my username.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403230433 | 1403231530 | t3_28lvlo | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting in a fight with my older brother
Just to clarify, I don't live with my family.
I had just gotten home from walking my giant dog (Mastiff), and I walked into my living room expecting to play some PSVita to relax. I noticed my brother had unplugged something of mine, and I asked him why he did it, to which he replied, "Because I wanted to."
I, of course, got mad.
I told him this isn't his house, he shouldn't do that. He glared at me from his computer and said, "Shut the hell up, you slut."
I was getting progressively angrier and I screamed at him to say that to my face. So he said, "I said to shut the fuck up, you slut."
I was fed up so I hit him over the head. He got up and punch/shoved me and said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't hurt you even worse because I'll kill you."
So I ran. Out of my house, as far as I could.
I didn't know where to go, so I did possibly the worst thing I could.
I went to my crush's house.
I found him, talked to him and his mom (I think) and I called my other friend. She said I was overreacting, which in hindsight, I probably was.
So I ran again.
I threw my phone behind me (later finding out I lost the battery), and kept running. I found a suitable place under a tree and sat there, trying to catch my breath. I should've taken my inhaler.
Of course, my crush finds me and tells me I have two choices: to sit there in the rain and they'll call non-emergency services, or go back to his house.
Either choice wouldn't have matter, they already called, but I chose to go sit in his car.
We went back to his house, and the non-emergency cop showed up. He was all kind and gentle and I was just sitting there smiling and laughing when appropriate, while my grandfather showed up.
I hugged my crush and got into my grandpa's car, and when we were out of sight from them, he immediately started yelling at me. When I got home, more people yelled at me. I locked myself in my room and forced myself to throw up over and over again.
So, not only does my crush probably think I'm crazy, emotional, and dramatic, but I'm stuck with my family for another day until they leave, my stomach's killing me, my family is NOT happy with me, and I'm sore all over.
**TL;DR: My brother hit me and my crush thinks I'm crazy.**
crustyoreo: Accurate user name is accurate.
[deleted]: Hmm, it is kind of accurate, isn't it?
crustyoreo: Teehee
| 4 | 2 | |
1403232653 | 1403247132 | t3_28lyp5 | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by seeing another $1000 escort
I'm on my phone in a Starbucks, she's an hour late. I'm reconsidering my life choices up to this point lol. Should I bounce? I'm starving too, I'm gonna get two mcgangbangs and eat them alone in my car after. Oh and my dick is pretty numb, not sure I'm gonna feel much
I wish I was joking
bowmaster17: Just abandon ship.
larticzone: Pretty much what I would suggest. No point in spending that money if you're not going to enjoy it.
bowmaster17: I wouldn't even consider shelling out 1000 for an hour.
larticzone: Yeah, that's a shit load of money. Fuck that!
bowmaster17: O.o but you would get papercuts on your john!
larticzone: I don't have a john, I have a kitty ;)
bowmaster17: Even worse!
| 8 | 6.875 | |
1403224737 | 1403240215 | t3_28lnat | t5_2to41 | 13 | DaddyItHurts6969: TIFU by hitting my head on the shower because a spider, then throwing up.
So yesterday I was taking a pee in my bathroom and when I went to wash my hands, there was this spider it was maybe an inch long, but its was scary as hell, so being the man I am I didn't kill but just left it there. All alone. Then fast forward to today and I felt pretty sick and was going to the bathroom to puke, and there the basterd was. Staring at me. I built up some courage and got a tissue, to get that fucker. But here's where shit hits the fan. I go to grab it, and it was fast as shit. It climbed up my arm. I screamed then hit my head in the shower door then flailing my as around then shortly after that throwing up. So now the spider still isn't dead, my head hurts like shit, and I need to cleanup my bathroom. FML
AbstractGuy: Burn the house down, that's the only way to kill an inch long spider. Well at least for me.
DaddyItHurts6969: I think I'll blow it up
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403233129 | 1403236423 | t3_28lzd1 | t5_2to41 | 22 | nomorevaginashaves: TIFU by shaving my vagina
This actually happened about a month ago, but it is affecting me now. I did my normal shower routine and shaved down there because I hate having hair. All seemed fine, but a couple of days later I realized I had an ingrown hair. I left it alone, but it was right on the underwear line so it got slightly irritated. No biggie.
Fast forward to last week, it started to bug me. Did the warm compress thing, antibiotic cream, exfoliating, all the usual. Nothing. Slapped a bandaid on in an effort to not have underwear rub it and make it worse.
Today I realized it is a giant polyp of pus and is red and hot around it. Great. I most likely have a staph infection. Im going to the doctor tomorrow where they will slice it open and drain it... and I will most likely be put on some pretty heavy duty antibiotics according to my sister in law who is a nurse.
I told my SO that he had better get used to it just being trimmed because I'm never shaving my vagina again. I can hardly sit and standing and walking are both extremely Painful.
I fucked up.
Edit cuz extra words
witchling_22: I have these often (like at least twice a month) due to a skin disease. I know your pain, and I'm sorry. I can't shave anymore either. Use a #2 guard to avoid sandpapering the SO.
nomorevaginashaves: Yeah I'm going to buy a trimmer this weekend, this is one of the most painful things to happen to my vagina, and I have given birth.
witchling_22: I have them constantly under my arms, breasts, on my waist and in my groin. They also happen on the back of my neck and in my hairline. It's not fun, and lidocaine injections burn like a motherfucker.
nomorevaginashaves: Yeah I've had to have a those injections a couple of times, I'm not at all looking forward to tomorrow. I want to cry just thinking about it, and I definitely feel for you going through this on a regular basis. Do they usually scar?
witchling_22: I'm covered in scars, but like I said, I have a skin disease. Normally it turns into a dark spot, then fades. If it bothers you, get some skin bleach creme and dab it soley on the scar *after* it fully heals.
nomorevaginashaves: Oh I'm not really worried about the scar, I was just curious. Thanks for the info!
witchling_22: Good luck, OP :-)
| 8 | 2.75 | |
1403233932 | 1403241611 | t3_28m0hp | t5_2to41 | 18 | gobthrowawaybluth: TIFU by apparently thinking all black people look alike
Jesus....my back is still arched from cringing. So, long story short, I've been going to an auto shop recently due to some ongoing issues with my car. The first time I went there the employee who took care of me was this super friendly and down-to-earth dude named "Mike" who cut me a deal on some parts I needed. We got to talking about baseball as I was wearing a Phillies shirt and turns out Mike used to be a minor league player for several years, a catcher I believe. I asked what his stats were like and he said "hmm, ya know I'm not really sure. I never thought to look for my career stats." So, later on that day I did some research and found Mike's numbers on a website that compiles the stats of all pro ball-players. I printed them out thinking he'd get a kick out of it when I went back in to pick up my car.
Judging from my title, you might be able to guess what happens next. I go back into the shop a couple days later and approach the tall African-American man in the front whom I presumed to be Mike. He flashed what I thought was a recognizing smile as I neared him, so I handed him the sheet of paper and said "hey man, I did a little digging and it turns out you're a decent hitter after all!", jokingly. At this point, the man's expression went from mild confusion, to sudden realization, to mild frustration.
"You're looking for that gentleman over there," he said coldly as he pointed to the real Mike in the back of the shop. To be fair, the two did look somewhat similar, but I knew I had still made a horrible mistake with some bad implications. The look on this poor guy's face said "man, fuck you." Anyway, I offered an awkward chuckle and apologized briefly before making my way over to Mike and acting like nothing ever happened. Probably won't be going back to that shop again.
NOT_ah_BOT: Eh, we probably look all alike to them too, I've had several afro-americans (am I saying that right?) Mistake me for other people. Shit happens man.
Eversist: "African American"
I've heard in the UK that the PC term is "Afro-Caribbean," but "black" and "black british" are much more commonly used.
| 3 | 6 | |
1403233566 | 1403236957 | t3_28lzy7 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my professor my nudes
So this actually happened a couple months ago before I graduated. One day in class my technocologically apt professor requested that we all make google plus accounts in order to be able to group video message him for future assignments. I've had him for several classes, he knows me well and is my professor for my senior capstone course.
So I make my google plus profile, no big, upload a picture of myself that I would use for linked in and accept his request, along with a few other people from class. A week or so goes by and I check my page just to see what all the hype is about in general. I look at my profile and notice an alarming amount of pictures that I never uploaded... Heart beating, freaking out... I click on them to see an array of nude pictures lined up my page. I recognize then from a google chat I had with my SO months before and start panicking deleting every single picture I can. But they just keep resurfacing! It's like a permanate link to a one time LDR sex chat I had months prior. I checked from server all computers, erase my prodile, reinact it, and they are never ending. Finally I feel like I have them all gone, but every new google extension I have from my main gmail account automatically links these pictures.
So I noticed this a week after he had added me, he knows what he's doing online and isn't old school. Even if he didn't see them my classmates did. No one ever said anything but I know somewhere one of my peers has to have my naked pictures saved to their damn hard drive.
el_crunz: That's so annoying eh ... I don't even want to charge my phone at my parents place for fear that it will somehow upload some heinous shit.
MarkusVanDarkus: El_crunz.. You dirty dog.
el_crunz: I'm a sick individual!
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1403228519 | 1403254103 | t3_28lst9 | t5_2to41 | 10 | HighCrawler: TIFU by drinking spoiled juice.
So, I have been preparing for an exam for about a week and I bought a packing case with 6 cases 1 litre each 100% orange juice. So everyday I get one case and drink it pritty much all. After few days I opened the fifth one but did not end up drinking it all up and me being a lazy preexam student left the case with some of the juice in my room for a day. On the next day I decided not to drink it because it might be spoiled but still left it there in my room. After few days of studing and 2-3 sleepless nigths we come to today - the day of the big exam at the university and when I finaly came back after the long and hot day I was rather tirsty so naturally I go to the fridge and saw а case of 100% orange juice and thinking that this is the last one and I picked it up(it had some juice left) and drank it all up from the container. Immidiatly I feeled some strange taste. I needed little more than few secs to figure all out.
I tought it will blow over like most not so good things that I have ate/drank but it is getting only worse... first there was the pain in the gastric area and sore throat.Now I have metallike taste in my mouth. I am thinking if the throat condition by tomorow is still worsing i might have to go to a doctor.
tl;dr Left orange juice outside for 3-4 days. Someone had put it in the fridge I drank it. Feeling sick now.
Blair888: The last time my mom ate something that tasted like metal, she had food poisoning. Might want to see a doctor.
HighCrawler: I was thinking if i should try to trow it up :D
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1403232700 | 1403239033 | t3_28lyra | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching a sex documentary with my parents in the room.
So I was on AskReddit and I came across [this documentary](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tPsAycQcto). I don't know what I was thinking, but I wanted to see what it looked like from inside the vagina when you had sex. It is at about 45:00 into the video. So I started watching, but I couldn't quite skip to 45:00 even so I just went a few minutes ahead. There is some monkeys that are just going at it. This would've been fine, except for the fact that one of them was just casually eating a banana. I lost my shit at this point and burst out laughing. My parents asked why I was laughing, and I said, "A joke I'm reading." Whenever I start laughing like that they demand to see my phone, so then I quickly switched to an AskReddit thread. Nothing funny is here, so they go through my recently used applications, and they find this. My dad covered me and closed it before my mom saw, saving my ass. He knows though, and I have no explanation for this. It is so awkward between us right now, and I haven't spoken to him about it at all. Hopefully it will just blow over. I hope.
tediousbear: How old are you? why are they checking your browsing history?
fullmoan: I'm 15. My parents do that sometimes, I don't know why.
tediousbear: Oh OK, I just thought you were older :) They do it because they believe they can keep you from any harm if they know every single detail in your life
fullmoan: I don't think that it works.
tediousbear: you're right
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1403234773 | 1403240515 | t3_28m1o9 | t5_2to41 | 14 | ricexzeeb: TIFU by leaving the lube out
My girlfriend lives at home with her parents, and I'm staying with her for a week or two because she lives far away (I'm 22 and she's 21). We usually have a bottle of lube in one of her bedside drawers or whatever but the last time we used it I was feeling lazy and just tossed it under the bed.
Anyway, we're hanging out in her room tonight sitting on her couch when her parents come home from dinner. They're very chatty and like to hang out and talk so we're all sitting there talking when her dog comes trotting in the room and plops down right in the middle of us. Her mom shouts, "What's that in his mouth?? He has a bottle of vodka in his mouth! Why does he have a bottle of vodka?" I look down and immediately recognize the purple container as none other than our little tube of astroglide. My girlfriend and I sit there for a second totally frozen before I jump up and grab the lube out of his mouth. I manage to stutter out a "haha yeah how'd he get that vodka" as I grabbed it and put it back in the other room. Her little bullshit pug had run into her room, grabbed the lube from under the bed, and then brought it back to show off to her parents.
There's no way her parents didn't realize it was lube.
kabukicho69: So how was the sex?
LiberDeOpp: That's what I'm wondering as my dogs only like peanut butter. Is it flavored Astro glide?
| 3 | 4.666667 |
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