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1403234516 | 1403239467 | t3_28m1c3 | t5_2to41 | 9 | ftt34: TIFU by being a history major
As a young college freshmen I thought I would go to law school after so I planned on majoring in something that was fun and interested me leading me to choose history. But when I finished my junior year I realized I had no desire to go through with the law school route and by that point it was too late to change majors. Now I'm stuck between either miserably putting myself through law school and doing something I have little interest in or becoming a history teacher at a high school where I'm most likely underpaid. I feel like my degree is worthless and I have no direction in my post-grad search for a job/career but I guess this is how pretty much every other history major felt when they graduated.
tchetelat: Where do you plan on teaching?
ftt34: Probably somewhere in Maryland but have no clue if that's what I want to do yet.
| 3 | 3 | |
1403235021 | 1404097983 | t3_28m214 | t5_2to41 | 6 | minhtan_93: TIFU by picking up a girl at the airport
Wall of text. Sorry guys. Lots on my mind.
This happened monday actually. Over the weekend, I visited my friend in Chicago, let's call her Tammy. Tammy is going to grad school there, and is staying with another girl room mate, let's call her Jessie. I arrived in Chicago thursday, and after meeting Jessie, immediately hit it off with her. There was just never a lull in our conversations. I've never taken to a girl this quickly before, and the more i talked to her, the more i grew to like this girl. I felt like the feeling was mutual, because she was very into the convos( a bit of sex talk was also had, not "sexy", just "sex" talk), as well as gave me a few compliments.
Jessie left on Saturday morning to catch a flight to a bachelorette party in another state, and didn't come back til Monday. So over the weekend, i considered going to the airport on Monday to surprise her, pick her up, and keep her company during the train home, as well as help her carry her luggage if need be. I was aware i had only knew her for two days, but considering how well we got along, i figured it wouldn't be such a bad decision. I'm the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, and just enjoys helping ppl in general. Sounded like a good idea right?
And this is where i fucked up.
Prior to coming to the airport to pick Jessie up on Monday, i asked Tammy for Jessie's phone number. Now before you go on and say "that's not right, Jessie didn't give you the number herself", I wanted the number just in case I don't run into her at the airport. I never saved her phone number in my contact list, just saved it in a note on my phone, as a Plan Z, or last resort.
I arrived at the airport, just in time to catch Jessie walking down the stairs to catch the train back to her apartment. But the moment I saw her, my heart sank. She looked confused and taken aback, and smiled awkwardly when i said hi. I said I wanted to surprise her, because there wasn't much to do back at the apartment with Tammy, who was studying for an exam. It was like she had run into a stranger, not the guy she got to know just days before. We got on the train, she immediately put on her earphones, saying sth about listening to her lectures. My God, it was the longest, most awkward 40-minute train ride. As i sat there next to her, I couldn't believe what was happening. My plan backfired in most horrendous way. When we got off the train, she promptly took her luggage and started walking back to the apartment without really waiting for me. The walk home was even more agonizing, as the streets were particularly quiet at that time. I felt like I had fucked up bad, maybe crept her out by picking her up at the airport. I had no idea.
When we were close to her apartment, i finally broke the silence: "Hey are you OK?". And nothing could have prepped me for the fury that was her outburst. I couldn't remember much of what she said because it was so sudden, but the gist of it was that i violated her privacy because i had her phone number against her will, that i'm not her bf and picking her up at the airport was awkward, that i was stepping on boundaries...I was just dumbfounded.
We went inside, and it was me, Tammy and Jessie. I didn't want to be in that apartment. I wanted to give the girls their spaces, for Jessie to vent and be able to talk to Tammy with me being in the middle. So i went to a bar close-by.
Two old-fashioned, a pint of Guiness, a shot of kamikaze, a vodka cranberry, a white russian later i came back, pissed drunk and ready to pass out and forget about the day. I lay on the couch and was ready to give in to the slumber, when I heard Jessie say" Hey Jason, can i talk with you outside for second?", in the calmest, softest voice. I obliged.
This part was blurry, but from what i remember, there was some explaining on her part of why she reacted so strongly, how the bachelorette party was sucky for her, some mention of her ex of a 4-year relationship, how that raised her guards way up around guys. I remember she said that my gesture would have been awesome had circumstances been different. Finally she gave me a hug, gave me some water, and tucked me in on the couch.
TL;DR: I surprised a girl, who I had thought to have good chemistry with me, by picking her up at the airport. She didn't appreciate it, and didn't hold back on telling me why.
ReadNoEvilTypeNoEvil: How is no one pointing out your bizarre behavior?? You "hit it off" with the girl because she was just trying to be welcoming to her roommate's friend. Then you just show up at the airport to ride the train back with her. Do you know how uncomfortable that would make anyone? It's not like you picked her up in your car. You just showed up like some creepy stalker and then sat near her. She then had to apologize for her outburst because she felt bad about it. So you not only succeeded in creeping her out but you then succeeding in making her feel guilty for what is a very normal reaction to a bizarre situation.
minhtan_93: You might be right.but the next day she was trying to make up for her outburst by being nice. Good enough for me.
| 3 | 2 | |
1403232636 | 1403237593 | t3_28lyo6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Ask_Me_If_Im_A_Horse: TIFU by being an overprotective, jealous friend who jumped to conclusions
So I've been talking to this girl. To get it out of the way, it was long distance. She's amazing. Great personality, looks, the whole 9 yards. We've been talking for about a month now and things are getting serious in my mind. We're flirting, using cute pet names with each other, etc.. Bear in mind that we haven't talked on the phone yet or facetimed.
Yesterday we're texting and she tells me she has to go to work and that she'll text me around 9PM. 9PM rolls around and I don't receive a text from her. No biggy, she's usually late on when she says she'll text me, so I brush it off and expect it within the next hour or so.
Midnight rolls around and I'm still up. At this point I'm worried about her, but I give her the benefit of the doubt and go to bed. I wake up around 7:45 to check my phone, and there's no messages. So at this point I go into detective mode. I look up her twitter account, and at midnight last night she had tweeted a photo of her with another guy cuddling on a couch. Another tweet read "You're hot. Let me touch you I wanna touch you" or something to that extent.
It's at this point I should tell you that because of my shitty past with girls, I tend to get jealous and protective of those that I get close to. So I decide to tweet something really, really bad in my jealous rage: "And to think you were different, to invest my emotions and feelings into you. What a mistake. Fuck you" or something around there.
No less than 5 minutes later I receive a text from her wishing me a good morning, the best day ever, and telling me how she loves me so much. With no response from me, she sends another asking what the tweet was about. And I told her it was about her.
This sets her off. She goes on to tell me how she went to bed around 9 because of a long day at work, that the guy was a friend she had been close to for years who decided to surprise her by coming to her window at midnight, that she thought I was above those feelings because of how I treated her, and how it made her extremely upset.
I'm on the verge of tears because I realize just how much I fucked up this relationship, and I write out this extensive apology telling her how deeply sorry I am and that I don't expect her to forgive me, how much she means to me, and an explanation for why I acted so harshly.
I've checked her twitter since then since she hasn't responded, and she's subtweeted that she's crying over this, how it's going to take a while for something like this to be fixable and for me to back off, that just because somebody gets close to you doesn't mean they're looking for a relationship (shocker to me), and how it's wrong for someone to expect her not to talk to other guys when that's all she hangs around with.
Still no response and it's almost 10. I've basically given up all hope of salvaging this relationship. I'm not texting her out of respect for the situation, but it still hurts to know that I can't do anything without aggravating the situation further.
Sorry for the long post. I needed to share this and vent at the same time. Thanks for reading through if you did.
TL;DR: Through my overprotective and jealous tendencies due to my past relationships, I overjudged a situation that my love interest was in, made some terrible tweets, fucked up the only thing that made me happy in my life, and am now paying for it through depression.
Pottski: Just don't assume anything. Rule one.
Ask_Me_If_Im_A_Horse: I won't be making that mistake again.
Pottski: At least something has come from it. Take a few days and ask her how she's feeling about it. Don't apologise straight up but let her talk. If she wants to talk to you and explain her feelings then she still thins there's something between you two worth holding onto. If not, then that's probably it and you'll have to move on.
Ask_Me_If_Im_A_Horse: We're both still assessing the situation I'm sure, but I'll text her in a few days if I don't hear from her before then. I'll keep in mind not to apologize off the bat since that could obviously invoke the memory of it, but I just want to talk to her about it. Hopefully we can treat this as something to learn from.
We're both fairly young; I'm going off for my first year of college in the fall, and she's starting her senior year of high school. So relationships can be pretty stupid around this age.
Thank you for the advice.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1403229013 | 1403245343 | t3_28ltia | t5_2to41 | 27 | Rodnelau: TIFU by showing my whole summer camp porn.
This happened a few years ago, actualy. But i've just found this subreddit and decited it was appropriate.
I was about 14, hormones flowing, and masturbation at it's peak. My mother insisted that I should go to a summer camp, and so I chose the funnest looking one, Zoo Camp. It was pretty cool, you just ran around and fed animals.
It was the last day of camp, and there was a big sleepover. The counslers decited that it would be fun to create a scavenger hunt. The objective was to find the items, take pictures of it, and than return back to camp. I was the only one with a phone, so I gladly took the pictures, while my friends held the flashlights.
After finding everything, we had to plug our phones into the computer, to show the pictures. This was all fine, and my phone hooked up to the computer with no problem. Photos opened up, all of my pictures started loading. It started from the top of the camera roll, and I had to scroll down to the bottom in order to find my most recent pictures.
One scroll
Two scrolls
Three sc- BAM!
GIANT TITS
I had atleast 10 pictures of tits, and booty scattered about, and the counsler quickly unplugged my phone from the computer. My face was redder than pinocchio's pants. The counsler pulled me out of the room and called my mother.
I was picked up. It was the awkwardest ride home I think i've ever experienced in my whole life.
My mom still jokes about it at every family gathering.
Fuck me.
judeea: I did something similar back in grade 8. Had a school camping trip with my whole grade, grade 8 me being the horny fuck I was decided to bring porn on a fucking PSP hoping to use it at some point in the trip. So the day comes and we get different rooms and I tell my roommates about my porn, stupid move on my part because when we got back the next day we compiled the top 10 memorable moments of camp, roommate gets up and with confidence saids "judeea's PSP" I felt my blood run cold and I started sweating profoundly, I tried laughing it off but shit I was done for, by the end teacher talks to me in private says I should delete it and he won't fall my parents. I go home delete maybe one or two keep the rest. Tell him the next day I got rid of it, I thought that was it until one of my teachers goes up to me one day and with a smile says "PSP".
abouz: Wait what? So did he find the rest? In confused
judeea: No it was another teacher that went up to me, he told me that teachers talk in the lounge. After that incident I never dared to bring that PSP to school so he never found the rest. The good thing is my parents don't know any thing about it.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1403221832 | 1403371057 | t3_28lj0t | t5_2to41 | 7 | tacocat-lesbian: TIFU by drunk texting my potential employer
I know someone who works in environmental conservationism who told me she could probably give me a job for the summer at her company. We've been communicating back and forth for a few days now.
Last night, my friends and I got pretty drunk and decided to stand outside for a while. Whilst there, I saw a large bug and decided to send a photo of it to a friend. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that my phone has been acting up by switching adjacent conversations -- so last night, I clicked on my friend's name, but my phone opened my potential employer's name instead. I sent her [these texts.](http://i.imgur.com/FPORxUO)
I would like to clarify that the "chasing around with a lighter" bit was an attempt at guiding the bug away from where we were standing. Unfortunately, it probably sounded like we were torturing the bug and trying to kill it with fire. So much for working in environmental conservationism.
MarinaAquamarina: Please follow up OP - did she reply?
tacocat-lesbian: Yes, she was actually very understanding. She can't right out give me the job immediately, but she told me to go on and apply and she'd see what she can do. So there is hope!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403274496 | 1403282951 | t3_28m0bz | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: The Buckin' Bronco!!
i_go_to_uri: I thought that was when you do surprise anal and she squirms to pull away, you just stand your ground and hold on?
[deleted]: Actually never heard of that one. Name fits that too. I like it.
i_go_to_uri: Aw shit what have I done
| 4 | 2 | |
1403241715 | 1403243022 | t3_28maf9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Seaman0: TIFU by stealing condoms
So I have been dating this girl for little over a year and having sex causally for half a year. So this morning she texts me telling me she'll be home alone tonight and that she's extremely horny. We had been all out of condoms for a week and so I decided to go get some. As I got into the store I had realized I forgot my wallet at home but I thought, "hey, I'll just steal them". So I garbed a small pack of a brand I had never used before and walked out. Later that night I show up at her house and we start to have sex and it is amazing. After I finish I go to take off the condom and realize it wasn't there... I see it on the bed and realize that I had just busted inside her. She's freaking out, I'm freaking out. It's really shitty and I ended up calling my brother for 50 dollars because I was all out of money and wasn't going to be paid for another week. I took the walk of shame through target to buy plan b about an hour ago.
TL;DR I ended up paying 50 dollars because I didn't pay 5
spekters: How did you stealing the condoms have anything to do with you forgetting to use them?
Seaman0: I didn't forget, it slipped off
| 3 | 3 | |
1403241803 | 1403272446 | t3_28maik | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by not locking my phone (w/pics)
No need for a throwaway
This happened today, enjoy
So me and my friend have been exchanging texts about trimming hair on the nether regions , you know; normal stuff.
He mentioned Nair which I've never used before, he start's by showing me prank videos on Youtube involving Nair being switched out for Shampoo (Which might I add is pretty hilarious) I start off by asking him if he actually uses [Nair](http://i.imgur.com/MpMsBoZ.jpg) and where he applied it.
He further leads me down the path of him implying it's a joke.
At this point, we are on the border of discussing a new tank he had just bought and considering selling it.
I had to take a shit and my phone was charging so I just left the thing in on the couch in the living room. My phone is set to lock after 10 minutes automatically if it's not used.
My bathroom shits are 20 minutes on average.[ My sister](http://i.imgur.com/9hFS2vk.png) got her hands on my phone before that allotted time.
She scrolled up to the point where I first mentioned Nair applying it to his arse hole.
[Nothing happened in during the past few seconds](http://i.imgur.com/DAfONjW.jpg) but my imagination running wild as to what the fuck he was thinking, I could pretty much *feel* the tension.
Right now I'd imagine[ he's pretty much dazed](http://i.imgur.com/0pxrXKE.jpg). Here; Ladies & Gents you can see he's [*not* only dazed, *and* in clear denial, but also shaking his head
](http://i.imgur.com/K24u69T.jpg).
It gets pretty calm here and I'm questioned if I really *did*[ laugh and not just give him some impression](http://i.imgur.com/3kUQJaQ.jpg) , this was the end as he needed to get some sleep for [some exam he has](http://i.imgur.com/nJ2uekn.jpg)
If I am correct, he's probably having trouble sleeping at the thought of my sister reading his message. As for my sister, totally going nuts as to what she just read think me and my friend are just weird.
On the bright she probably won't *ever* pick my phone up. Worst case scenario; my mother reads the texts and she's very nosey.
TL;DR - Little sister got my phone and went through me and my friend's texts discussing trimming the nether regions with Nair.
dandelion_king: |My bathroom shits are 20 minutes on average
I'm a bit curious about where else you shit.
xThuganomicsx: my kitchen shits take at least 45 mins
hyperzen: Outdoor shits are the longest.. I never make it home.
ARAGINGARAB: I can get pretty creative as to where I can do shits.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1403241518 | 1403294596 | t3_28ma7l | t5_2to41 | 26 | datfilthycasual: TIFU by name dropping an abusive coworker to an angry patient's family
So we have this raging cunt of a coworker at my hospital. Has past charges of patient abuse, but thanks to the bullshit union, she still works at the same place. She has been repeatedly verbally abusing a needy patient. No one reports it because they are all too scared of her and the manager is a pussy and defends her because she "does her work". Pathetic.
So. Patient calls family, saying he is scared to use the call bell. Family comes to hospital and asks for the woman's name, describing her to a tee. I tell her name. They then state they are filing formal charges against her and are going to push for her to be fired, and if that fails, at least detailed off the floor. Now I am writing paperwork explaining the situation to a pushover manager who likes to throw me under the bus for much less.
TLDR: may lose my job to a patient abusing bitch because I gave her name to rightfully angry family members.
Edit: I have lost my Reddit gold virginity! Its tingly! Thanks so much internet stranger!
theslowwonder: The most important thing when dealing with a situation like this with weak leadership is to make sure that no correspondence between you and herself is only between you and her.
Leadership has certain obligations, and transparency helps them maintain these obligations. Any email needs a CC of the manager's superior, peer or HR.
If you believe this coworker will be vindictive, you need to be proactive with HR and have at least one formal complaint on file before she can talk to them. This reduces her credibility and protects you.
Finally, if there is widespread disdain for this employee, you could step it up by rallying support and not hiding from the eventual confrontation. Make sure anyone and everyone knows what happened and stand your ground. Allies will tie the hands of your coworker and manager further and remove their ability to act unprofessionally.
datfilthycasual: I'm just honestly scared to lose my job. My job position is tentative as it is. I'm not a full time worker on this floor, merely a per diem worker who is needed for full time hours because of short staffing. The manager can merely stop hiring me for shifts if he wants to keep the situation quiet. That has been my biggest fear since I started working and this woman has started her fear campaign.
Rallying support may be difficult because of the mentality of "don't stir the pot. Just go to work and go home. Don't make trouble." I can't get a toe hold into HR yet. I am leaving out of state on vacation starting tonight so there will be a full week for this situation to play out. Of things don't improve by the time I get back, I'll get all the contact information for HR.
Another problem with support, is that its like frigging GOT mentality around here. You have to know where your loyalties lie to make sure that someone that sucks up to the bitch worker doesn't go running to her and tell her that I started all this. She will get ahold of the union and most likely say that I am slandering her or being a racist. (She is an older black woman and I am a young white girl).
My own mother is trying to dissuade me from taking this further, and as a veteran nurse of 14 years, her word has a lot of sway with me. She was upset that I mentioned the name of the bitch to the family. It feels like I'm trapped in this little self-fueling shit storm of drama and bullying and all the avenues that would be open in a private hospital are closed off by levels of fear.
Fear of more bullying. Fear of being rejected by the manager. The managers fearing they will have to confront the bitch worker. Upper management fearful of dealing with the union.
TLDR: shit storms a coming Ricky.
theslowwonder: Yeah, totally understood. Rallying the troops would be a gamble, but the advice in my earlier paragraphs is still necessary. Take the meek route, blame ignorance for sharing her name, but ensure that correspondence between your manager and yourself have other eyes on them. There are non confrontational ways to do this.
datfilthycasual: Your advice is sound and I should have done it the first time she became hostile towards me, but I was honestly too new to know any better. The coworker who gave me the number for the interior investigator for the hospital is also eager to press charges for harassment against this woman, so she is my cohort and knows all my correspondence between the family and myself and the manager and myself. She is my backup.
theslowwonder: Good work. Make advocates and allies; this is my rule for protecting myself from unfair situations at work.
datfilthycasual: That's the thing. Everyone likes me. But their like for me does not overcome the fear of smacking the bees nest with a big ass stick. I'll work on it though. What you have told me has given me hope. I have an idea of what I need to do and I know who I need to get in contact with. Thank you very much.
theslowwonder: So the best way to position things is that your actions do not cause your boss embarrassment, but allows him to avoid it by doing things the right way. Your actions should just limit a weak leader's ability to sweep things under the rug, but shouldn't shine a spotlight on him either.
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1403241976 | 1403286318 | t3_28mapu | t5_2to41 | 10 | Throwthisoutn0w: TIFU by forgetting to turn off wifi at work
I rarely use the free wifi at work but I decided I may as well save some data while browsing sfw apps and such. Had to agree to the usage policy of course and intentionally used the wifi for a bit. Eventually forgot I was connected, and remembered I had some embarrassing NSFW photos that I wanted to delete from my photostream. Being the ass I am, I used the work wifi while accessing these embarrassing nudes. As soon as I realized what I did, I became super paranoid. Really hope nobody notices.
[deleted]: Consider using a VPN or Proxy next time.
Throwthisoutn0w: Do you believe it's likely that admins will notice this type of activity? I was only connected to my apple photo stream vs an obviously nsfw app or site.
oonniioonn: That traffic is encrypted so they can't tell what it is.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1403243403 | 1403266492 | t3_28mc8r | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU i can't bust one with my new girl..
so tonight i pretty much fucked the dog shit out of this girl i've been off and on with for five years. she's hot. really hot. perfect ass and down for anything. but for some reason i just cant finish the job. ive got the stamina of a fucking race horse so she ends up happy and successfully 'destroyed' but i just end up drunk and sore from my own incapability to skeet on her face and or torso. so i ask, dear reddit, how can i overcum my inability to cum? how do i get past this mental block?
youareanassmaggot: You don't always have to fuck 'em hard.
Tall-dude: Is it bad that I read that with the melody of the Tenacious D song?
[deleted]: Nope, I did also
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1403245947 | 1403247828 | t3_28mewd | t5_2to41 | 25 | Tifuaway: Tifu by buying a butt plug on Amazon.
So as it says I bought a butt plug on Amazon because I can... but I'm a makle who is engaged to a girl and has a kid on the way as well. But I have always been a bi curious guy. But I bought it of Amazon on my main account thinking I could delete it from my purchase history later. ...You can't I learned. So yeah. She uses my account sometimes as well so she will find out. I'm nervous. Maybe she will be cool with it... But yeah just needed to get this of my chest. She's also a redditer but I don't think she will see this.
vkguyy: If she finds out just say it is for her
Tifuaway: Shes not into that :/
vkguyy: Just say "oh..." and then "forget" to return it so you can keep it.
Tifuaway: Lol might have to hide it lol wink wink. Sorry that was dumb
| 5 | 5 | |
1403246327 | 1403321463 | t3_28mf9c | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU Update!: TIFU by telling my boyfriend I talked with my ex
[ TIFU by telling my boyfriend I talked with my ex](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28jh8x/tifu_by_telling_my_boyfriend_i_talked_with_my_ex/)
First of all, I wanna thank EVERYBODY your taking the time to give me your personal observation about my situation. It gave me a lot of insight about my circumstance.
We decided to break-up by mutual agreement. No drama, no yelling, no name calling. "Thank you for everything" type of break-up. We knew things will never be the same way anymore. It hurts like a bitch but it's for the best. For the future.
Cheers my friends and again, thank you.
iggloovortex: I'm sorry things went as they did. I hope you have someone you can express your feels to. If not I recently got left by my ex for another guy after 2 years, so I can trade feels with you if you'd like haha
angeliquezombified: It's OK. This was just the perfect scenario to end something that was doomed on the first place. We were together also for 2 years, so yeah, you know the feeling! It feels terrible....
iggloovortex: my first long term was 3 years and she also left me for another guy, but not before cheatin-g on me with him for 3 months >_> I've been starting to sense a pattern
angeliquezombified: My circumstances are different. My ex has a wife and a kid. It's simply not my style to seek taken men. Also, we tried it way to many times in the past already to already know it will never work.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1403253714 | 1403369064 | t3_28mlm2 | t5_2to41 | 115 | blackmysteria: TIFU by burning my clit with a cigarette
So it happended about 5 minutes ago and i am in so much pain.
bassically, one of my favourite things to do is have a cigarette while on the toilet, people think in the shower, i think on the toilet.
Anyway, i lit up my ciggie, turned the fan on and commenced my business.
I usually put my hand in the way to protect myself, cause i ash between my legs...i forgot, ashed to quickly and managed to burn my clit with the ciggie...and in shocked dropped it in the toilet...I'd only taken a few drags and now i more upset and in pain...
paradox2102: Fuck you for smoking
PassivePandas: Because you're so damn perfect?
paradox2102: No, because it is a disgusting habit which effects everyone
PassivePandas: Do you drive a car?
paradox2102: No, I bike.
PassivePandas: You hate smoking l, everyone hates hipsters.
paradox2102: What is that supposed to mean? I am not a "hipster"...
PassivePandas: Such a hipster thing to say. Bye.
paradox2102: Do me, and the world, a favor and don't reproduce.
PassivePandas: I was thinking the same thing about you! What a coincidence. The world could do without highly judgmental assholes such as yourself.
paradox2102: How am I judgmental? You are the one labeling people.
MarcJingJing: Let me remind you that you were the one that said : "Fuck you for smoking".... I don't know, but that sounds judgemental to me.
paradox2102: Smoking cigarettes is a very inconsiderate habit. Unless you smoke in an isolated plastic box, the toxic fumes you put out into the atmosphere effect EVERYONE around you. I live in an apartment building and my downstairs neighbors love to smoke -- all of the gas ends up traveling right up into my living room creating a horrid stench. Smoking outside is equally as shitty, any person in your vicinity is exposed to second-hand smoking.
| 14 | 8.214286 | |
1403255599 | 1403257889 | t3_28mmy2 | t5_2to41 | 36 | MarinaAquamarina: TIFU by getting slaughtered at a work do
I work at a university. Last night there was a civic reception for the community. Free wine. Loads and loads of free wine. I know the catering staff as I work in events and use them all the time, so they kept me totally topped up. By half 7 I was blackout drunk. I have flashbacks of ranting at the Mayor's wife about how they don't fund charities enough in the community, or something, and this morning discovered I shouted horrible things down the phone at one of my closest friends because she'd stood us up when we were meant to be meeting her at the pub after the reception (although apparently we didn't even have plans in the first place!) and she's really upset. Being nasty or confrontational is TOTALLY out of character for me, and I hate that I've upset her, and now I'm dreading going into work on Monday (luckily I have today off as annual leave anyway) and Christ knows what else I did last night. The hangover anxiety is real and I feel AWFUL. Please Reddit, for the love of God, make me feel better by telling me stories of how you got drunk in college and banged a sheep, or something.
IAmNotAnAlien1179183: Don't feel bad Buddy it happens. I've run around buck naked, pulled a gun and knife once, tried to kiss a man that I ,mistakenly thought was my hubby, punched a skinhead in the face, and had brief episodes of lesbianism with some friends. I don't drink anymore.
MarinaAquamarina: Thanks, upvote for helping me feel less shitty! I wish it had been a brief episode of lesbianism rather than shouting...at least then she might like me more!
| 3 | 12 | |
1403262203 | 1403304283 | t3_28mrwi | t5_2to41 | 444 | wotwotinthebutts: TIFU by finally seeing my boyfriends butthole.
Not so much a fuck up - this is probably a good, albeit icky discovery to make, but my boyfriend and I learned a maybe concerning thing about his butthole area today.
So I've been trying to see my boyfriends butthole for years and today I succeeded. What should have been a triumphant moment was perplexing and troubling. What I thought at first was his butthole was actually a small, deep hole closer to the top of the crack. Below that is his regular puckered anoos.
He didn't know the second butthole was there, says it doesn't hurt, and is really embarrassed. He has emotionally retreated like a doo doo turtle into a puckered anoos and now its a bit awkward.
Is this a weird but normal body quirk or like... should we regret not having health insurance? A doctor visit will happen tomorrow. He is very, very reluctant to go but has requested this Chinese woman doctor he likes.
FJTW: Pilonidal cyst/sinus. Get him in to the docs. Its going to hurt, but the sooner its sorted, the better.
wotwotinthebutts: Googling. Oh my. The surgery pics will be enough to scare him into it.
If [this](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a9/Pilonidal_cyst_2_days_after_surgery.jpg) was your potential butthole future would you want to see this image?
OKAY no it gets worse. I can't face google image.
JackCrossing: Today on " why did I click that link "
Basteh: I read your comment and it gave me the will to not give into my curiosity. I assume I would have been scarred and that's enough for me :P. Thankyou.
Chipish: if i see a link i have to click it. I have a stupid annoying curiosity if im told i shouldnt look at a link...
the_winter_storm: If people just didn't say anything about the link, I probably wouldn't have to click them all the time.
Chipish: yeah. agree with that!
| 8 | 55.5 | |
1403261678 | 1403282316 | t3_28mrhb | t5_2to41 | 11 | Classy_Young_Lady: **TIFU** by procuring "murderers" a lock of my hair
This started a few hours ago. It's late, I'm visiting my grandparents, and watching Law & Order. I like to think of myself as not easily frightened sort of girl. HA! So not the case...
It's nearly 1:30 and here I am in my little blue dress when suddenly the tv goes blank. At first I thought the dish outside had been jarred. I turn off the tv & turn it back on. Weird...it changed from tv to DVD. Wait, that remote is across from me on the glass table....I put on the flannel beside me. I gaze out the glass wall just feet away from me, but I see nothing. I fix the tv and continue my show. *Darn, I missed an important part*.
**The lamp shuts off.** I scamper to the nearest light panel and it's not working. I dash into the kitchen, while FB messaging some friends what's happening just in case I end up being murdered. I button up my flannel as some sort of protection. I cower in the kitchen still sort of watching the show. I know, I know priorities...I check to make sure the back door is locked. It is. Thank God.
I still hear creaks and cracks from outside mingling with the snoring from my grandparents room. *If something were to happen the alarm hasn't been in commission,* I think in fear. *Even worse there's no one next door on the right...and the neighbor to the left is so far away. Behind us is just desert. They could lurk so easily....*
I grab a knife a long as my forearm, water, and **quickly slink all the way to the other side of the house** -off to my guest room. I lock the door and check everywhere someone could hide, on the closet floor, behind the chair covered in books, and even the top shelf in the closet.
I quickly fall to the floor to look under the bed, then quickly pop my head up to check to side between my bed & the wall.
**Suddenly** I'm in quite a bit of pain. My hair is long, down to my waist. It got stuck beneath my knees...A nice Victorian looking lock of hair was laying limp on the carpet. And with a sigh of defeat & relief I picked it up, grieved, and tossed it into the nearby vase. My head still hurts a tad.
Maybe I should go to bed at 8pm from now on...it's nearly 4am now. :/
TL:DR **Silly girl gets scared of potential murderous desert rapists and freaks out**
My_Empty_Wallet: What kind of dessert? Cake? Pudding? Pie?
Classy_Young_Lady: Cheesecake to be exact. They smooth filling contrasted by the grainy, sweet crust allows many a criminal to lurk & creep....
But seriously, thanks for catching that! My brain isn't quite it's usual self at that hour. Hehe.
My_Empty_Wallet: I ***knew*** it had to be cheesecake! That slippery bastard! It's not cake! It's not cheese! It's a scoundrel for certain!
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1403265586 | 1403299846 | t3_28muts | t5_2to41 | 28 | MAGNyco: TIFU: By letting a construction worker borrow my toilet.
So it all started when i was sitting in my home after school browsing reddit, the doorbell rings and i go to get it. Its one of the construction workers that are working on my families new garage. He asks if he could borrow my toliet and i let him since he seems like a nice guy. He finishes and talks a bit before he goes back to work. i go past the toilet and i pick up this nasty smell. I go into the toilet and there lies a fucking huge turd. It won't go down when i press the button. This 60 yr old man must have ripped up his asshole or something because this was huge. Never ever in my life seen something like this. I press the button 20 times still won't go down.
Welp me reddit, it won't fucking go down the drain. My parents are coming home in 2hours and they are very strict on letting people into the house. Should i tell them its mine?
TLDR: Let a guy borrow my toilet. lays a huge motherfucker into it and its to big to be drained down.
Update:I didn't tell em, because just before they got home. i took a pole and started to break it up into a mush. It was horrific and i lost my appetite for the rest of the day lol. So i didn't have to tell em, Shoulda waited and let my dad fix it just because it was fucking awful.
Gaius-JuliusCaesar: oddly this has happened to me once. I had to use a long stick (ruler, paintbrush or something like that) to break up the turd and turn it into steaming mush that stank of god knows what and FLUSH. Threw the ruler into a plastic bag I had ready, wrapped it and threw it in the trash bins outside my house, jumped in the shower, rolled a spliff and felt like I accomplished the impossible.
chypchop: I just threw up a little bit.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1403266642 | 1403300516 | t3_28mvv6 | t5_2to41 | 43 | a_cool_username_: Tifu by bleeding on my wife
Here we were laying on the couch partaking in a baby making session. I feel this wet stuff on my face but whatever, I keep going. It wasn't until after I finished that I realized my nose was bleeding. She wasn't very happy considering her hair was full of blood and I couldn't stop laughing. Told her it was payback from all them times she bled on me.
Tl;dr- nose bleed during sex, still finished
steezyvape: Could have been worse. Blood washes out easier than jizz.
GRIMMnM: W...why would he have jizz coming from his nose?
steezyvape: Doesn't everybody?
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1403267457 | 1403297857 | t3_28mwn2 | t5_2to41 | 79 | thismightbemymain: TIFU by accidentally inhaling chlorine gas
I was about to make myself a chocolate milkshake and went to dig out the old blender. When I found it it was covered inside with mould and other undesirable substances.
I decided to give this blender the best goddamn wash it's ever had. I sprayed the entire inside with bleach, added boiling water and scrubbed it like a madman. I got the majority of the mould out but decided I needed to do a deeper cleanse if I wanted to truly destroy Mouldzilla.
I looked under the sink and found a big bottle of thick drain bleach and thought "Well, two bleaches must be better than one!" so I rinsed the blender out and poured in a big ol' cap-full of thick bleach into the blender. Whilst I was boiling the kettle to induce heat-death for the mould I decided to add a couple of other things to the mix. I decided lemon & salt would help clean it, as well as some washing up liquid. I then decided to add in some more of the spray bleach.
Soon as the spray bleach hit the mixture it started fizzing gently and I added the boiling water in. A very strong smell hit my nose and I just assumed it was the bleach doing it's job, so (very luckily) I decided to take the mix outside and swish it around a little bit. I didn't want the house stinking of this foul bleach smell.
I went back inside and got rid of the mixture by diluting it over and over and pouring it down the drain. Then it hit me. I started getting a little bit light-headed, it came on very slowly to begin with and then hit me hard. My face went white as a sheet and my pupils dilated. I panicked, looked at the back of the bleach bottle and it said "DO NOT MIX WITH ANY OTHER PRODUCT, MAY PRODUCE CHLORINE GAS". Now I usually have some trouble occasionally with panic attacks but this set me right off.
I stepped outside to get some fresh air and I was feeling extremely dizzy. The panic started setting in and my heart rate climbed to a state I've never before felt it in and my entire body started shaking. I went back inside, found my mum and sister and said "Erm, guys" to which they ignored so I shouted "Seriously, pay attention I need an ambulance. I just mixed some stuff I shouldn't have mixed and I need an ambulance. RIGHT NOW"
My sister took me outside, explained what had happened and calmed me down. After 5 minutes or so I felt calmer and my heart rate dropped back down. My head started clearing and I gained my composure. I've Googled it all and it doesn't seem like I'm going to die. I tried to call an ambulance myself, but because I was shaking so bad and light-headed I accidentally called my GF and then hung up, she called me back and I just had to explain to her I almost gassed myself. (Where 3 weeks earlier I was telling her the dangers of mixing bleach products because of the gasses they give off).
I have no fucking idea why I did it, I guess I just wasn't thinking. So Reddit, if/when you fuck up today, tomorrow or whenever just remember... You've never fucked up to an extent where you almost gassed yourself!
TL;DR - Mixed bleaches. Inhaled fumes by accident. Panic attack + effects of Chlorine gas = Never fun. I'm fine now.
EDIT: after some research it seems that the chlorine gas may have been caused by the lemon juice and the bleach! Woops!
LimerickExplorer: It sounds like most of your symptoms were panic-induced.
thismightbemymain: Yeah it does seem that way, I think it was only really the pupil dilation, dizziness and raised heart rate that came directly from my encounter. Then the panic took over and took my heart rate to 11 and amplified everything else
bch8: 11 out of what?
thismightbemymain: Sorry, it's an expression. It means to the maximum, or higher than the maximum.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_to_eleven
bch8: Why not go up to 10?
herrsmith: He went to 11, which is one higher than 10.
bch8: Seems arbitrary
herrsmith: Were we not doing Spinal Tap? I thought we were doing Spinal Tap.
| 9 | 8.777778 | |
1403271846 | 1403292627 | t3_28n253 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex 5 days in a row while on my period
This wasn't today but over a span of about a week. I'll start off by giving some information about my SO; he's the horniest guy I've ever met and basically needs to have sex every day. I normally don't have a problem with this but last week I was visited by the red tide so the gates were closed. Well he couldn't keep it in his pants long enough for me to finish my period, so he just busted down the gate and earned his red wings. Not just one day out of the 5 day cycle; 3 days then 2 after it ended. If you are unaware vaginas are basically bacteria holes and need to be kept very clean. They also get irritated by pretty much anything. After 5 days on my period and 2 after; my vagina had clearly had enough of his dick. I'd been feeling slightly irritated but I thought it would pass; I thought wrong. I awoke this morning to a burning/itching feeling all over my lady parts. And it was intense. I'm not sure if it's infected or irritated but I have no way to get any antibiotics unless I ask my SO to take me to Walmart before work.
TL;DR Had too much sex; my vagina feels like it's been over run by fire ants.
Neighborhoodpedo: Hi everyone i'm the SO
ichdurfte: > Neighborhoodpedo
TIL OP is 12 year-old girl...
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1403269474 | 1403369193 | t3_28myy3 | t5_2to41 | 31 | skingfuturama: TIFU by thinking it was a fart
[deleted]: Never trust a fart, never waste a hardon, never pass a lavatory
oaktreedude: ...waste a hard on? Do you mean that most guys can't get an erection at fucking will?
[deleted]: Not when you're finished middle school we can't no
oaktreedude: oh please. if you're having issues with getting a hard-on, don't put down others who don't have that problem. go get some viagra.
[deleted]: Haha aww
oaktreedude: seriously. people like you are the fucking cancer. don't push your mediocre levels of hormones to be the fucking norm.
[deleted]: Sweetie, my point was that when you get a little older you need a little bit more stimulation than "Whenever you want"
You tend not to pop boners spontaneously in K-Mart, or whenever you think about that special teacher you like.
oaktreedude: your point is invalid and your logic is fucked up.
You equate "whenever you want" with getting spontaneous boners. This is a fallacy. "whenever you want" states that I have active control over my erections and sexual arousal - which doesn't happen when I don't want it to happen, but instead happens when I do want it to happen.
In fact, the point you make about "not wasting a boner" implies you have no control over your sexual arousal and you have a medical problem - you can't get erections when you need them.
You downgrade people's experiences and comments on reddit based on what? Implied age? If my so-called "middle schooler" age gives me higher intellectual reasoning skills than what you possess I'll gladly take it.
[deleted]: Wow you sure use a lot of words say fuck all don't you.
The original post was a quote from a movie about a bunch of men in their 70s. But of course you're so secure in your virility that you had to chime in to assure us all that your dingus does in fact function.
Strong moment there Nancy
| 10 | 3.1 | |
1403271760 | 1403344117 | t3_28n20d | t5_2to41 | 696 | fuckup__throwaway: TIFU by exposing myself to a group of prepubescent children
I volunteer coaching swimming lessons and lifesaving to a bunch of school kids, mostly aged 10-11.
I don't know how many of you have worked with kids, but they can be a pain in the ass, because when one of them acts like a smartass, it usually escalates and encourages more of them to do so.
I'm used to them mucking around, usually its only a certain few whom I know all too well that cause trouble, but I usually keep it under control. Normally when the swim lesson is underway, they are too busy to act stupid, but its hard to attend to all of them with a big group.
I only instruct them every other week, the other instructor is a woman, and I haven't seen how they behave around her, and from what I've seen she gets really stressed by some of the boys sometimes, parents have been contacted in the past, etc.
So before a swimming lesson last week, I hear some trouble-making from the usual suspects. One of the boys was being picked on by group of others "you have a boner hahaha", and I kept interrupting and telling them to quiet down, but they kept starting again.
Then when I wasn't looking, apparently one of the boys pulled down the bathers of another boy. I was furious, I sent him back to the changing rooms to get changed, I told him he would not be participating in todays lesson and his parents would be contacted to discuss if he would be allowed in the future. I was mad as hell, and I certainly tried to scare the boy, it didn't seem to work, he just got grumpy and stormed off to get changed.
I thought that was the end of it, since I figured that kid I had just sent packing was the ringleader.
A few minutes later, some other boys start the whole "haha you have a boner" nonsense or some bs with each other, and I storm up to them and tell them if I hear the word "boner" one more time, the boy who said it would be sent away like the last kid.
Then one of the boys says "fuckup_throwaway has an erection" to the other, and laughs. (I didn't). I look him sternly, he says "I didn't say the word you said not to say", and I say "I'm really losing my patience with all of you, I'm this close to sending the lot of you home". I should have sent them away, but I let this one slide, I just wanted to get on with the lesson and figured once we started they'd stop the mucking about.
I walk away and they keep laughing and saying nonsense, I figure as long as they don't do anything physical to each other, I don't care what stupid things kids say to each other.
I'm then talking to the group of girl students on the team, addressing them and telling them about what we will be practising today, I had their attention. The girls in the group are much quieter and well behaved and I've never had an incident of trouble from them.
So I was focused on talking to them, when one of the little shithead boys comes up right behind me and pulls my bathers down. That's all I was wearing, and he pulls it down.
At first I didn't realise exactly what happened, I'm looking at all the girls I was talking to mid delivering a speech, and suddenly all their gazes at once drift *down there*. A few seconds pass, and I hear screaming coming from them, as some of the girls even turn around running the other way or covering their eyes.
I'm raging at this point and in my rush of anger, I slip forward and hit my knee on the tiles (nothing bad, it was painful though), and anguish in pain and humiliation.
What a nightmare, Christ I hate kids.
007chill: >I'm raging at this point
Uhh... word choice, dude.
rhillam: OP gets aroused by screaming 10 year olds
ICANCUREBLUEBALLS: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
MachuPickachu: So I got a case of blue balls, can you do anything doc?
YourMajest1: Sounds like an amputation is in order.
| 6 | 116 | |
1403273583 | 1403345854 | t3_28n4lm | t5_2to41 | 232 | redwingsNOTHOCKEY: TIFU by getting freaky in the dark
I went on a date with a girl last night, I think it was date number 3. On date number one, i was curious about her rack as she dresses very appropriately. She wears tops that are a lil looser in the front and on this first date, had a scarf on. I could not tell at all but oh well, on with the date. She beautiful, green eyes, long black hair (original hair color is dirty blond and she hates it), nice figure. I wanted to give all of you with imagination something to work with.
Last night, we are hanging out at her place and talking. I began to give her a back rub out of no where. At one point i flip her over to give some kisses and she leaves the shirt up. she a huge rack. this was nothing more than a bonus to me. We started kissing and rubbing and one thing led to another.
Heres where things didnt go as planned. I am a pleaser, thats not even a word but i love to please. so i started fiddling her bean.. with my mouth and fingers. She was very clean, smelled nice and everything. Now that i warmed up the oven, i went ahead and started baking. Everything going as planned so far. Mid sexing, i wanted to show her just how much of a pleaser i am so i went back down on here out of no where. I like to be the first to put myself out there. i feel like alot of people expect girls to like giving bjs. I think they do when you put yourself out there.
So i get there and i cant see anything. navigating blind, i find what i needed and something taste off. I dont know what it is but i went to work not caring. finished up, go home and im washing up and i have blood all over me. i have earned my red wings and not even known. Annnnnnd i kissed her after.
tldr: licked a bloody vag in the dark.
edit: hit it again, bled again, whats wrong with her hooha?
Jonny_D85: So when's the 4th date?
redwingsNOTHOCKEY: Sunday.
Jonny_D85: Good man!
iggloovortex: all my upvote
timeforpajamas: all
crushbang: Best I can do is 3/4 of my upvote.
| 7 | 33.142857 | |
1403274210 | 1403283791 | t3_28n5ib | t5_2to41 | 13 | _CyPher_: TIFU by falling with my bike
Well I was cycling to work this morning and a come to a T junction, and release my right foot from my pedal (With shimano cleats, they clip your sole to the pedal) to get ready to stop as a van is approaching, realizing the van is going to slow I'm in to minds as what to do, shall I stop or shall nip out quickly, but obviously I took to long deciding so I had to stop. This is where it happened. Instead of placing my right foot on the ground I proceed to try and lower my left foot (which is still clipped onto the pedal) enter slow motion falling and an impact to the asphalt to that I swear shook the neighbourhood. I bet the van driver thought what a pillock as he went past. Anyway a cut knee, badly grazed elbow and neck/shoulder pain I finally made it to work a little embarrassed by what had just happened.
I don't even know why I took my right foot out as I always use my right foot to pull off, mind boggles.
better_man84: Aww. To be fair, I read a similar story once. I'm sure it was meant to be. Need any first aid?
_CyPher_: Got to work, had to check in with Matron to let her know. But just a clean up on the grazes.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403269866 | 1403304036 | t3_28mzi3 | t5_2to41 | 133 | [deleted]: TIFU: bursting a blood vessel - a masturbation story (nsfw story).
So I was masturbating in my room as I loved to do, things were going very well, it was feeling good and all that. Then it came time for me to cum and what happened next shocked me and scared me. I started to cum and it looked like there was only blood. The ejaculation was very powerful, the blood squirted out further than my cum normally does.
I immediately stopped stroking my cock and freaked out. It was a lot of blood since it was several strong spurts of lots of bloody fluid. Once my orgasm stopped, the blood stopped. I cleaned up and that was the end of it. But I was terrified that something was majorly wrong with me.
So I did a little research and found out that its actually not uncommon. Blood vessels can burst along the urethra and thats what happened to me. Nothing was wrong, I was okay. But geez did that give me a scare. I was terrified to masturbate again for days. Fortunately the next time I did it, everything was fine and back to normal.
#masturbationtrauma
mythrowawayresponse: > The ejaculation was very powerful, the blood squirted out further than my cum normally does.
> It was a lot of blood since it was several strong spurts of lots of bloody fluid.
... and I'm done with the Internet for today... perhaps forever.
COG_Gear_Omega: He'll come back. They always come back.
chisayne: > ... and I'm done with the Internet for today... perhaps forever.
You lied to us!
| 4 | 33.25 | |
1403227995 | 1403283440 | t3_28ls2a | t5_2to41 | 20 | BWSD: TIFU by trying to get to know my gay neighbor
Happened an hour ago... [M]y day was going so, so well... I just accepted a job good offer today, going to start in a few days. As I was on the phone accepting the offer, ebay app was telling me a bunch of last minute bids came in for a guitar I was selling, the price shot up. Yay. Finished a bunch of job paperwork, now I can relax...
So I took my dog, Skip, for a walk with my neighbor and her dog. We circle back and they head home, I decide to go in another direction for another loop since husband is running late from work. As we walk by the park, I see three folks with their dogs off leash. There's a fence between us. One of them is a neighbor whom I've seen walking dogs with another guy, often. Clearly they're a couple. I'd wanted to meet them for a little while but never saw them at a good time.
All our dogs are all excited for each other, one of them asks if I want to join them and let Skip off leash with theirs. I say maybe, thinking this is the perfect time to casually meet neighbors, one of which is from the gay couple.
At this point I should say Skip is 71lbs, 1/2 greyhound, 1/2 plott hound. Hound head and front shoulders, ribs and everything behind is greyhound. He's fast. He also has the strong front end of a hound, so he can pull. I'm 190 lbs, fit, and I have to pay attention when he's in that mode.
So we walk up to the cheery neighbors, exchange names, and one neighbor with a mix dog, like a small mastiff, asks for me to let skip off the leash. Her dog wants to play with skip. Skip can't contain his eagerness to play. I'm doing all I can to hold him and not look like it's a big deal. I give in and say OK...
Immediately, our two dogs go to playing hard, the other dog is being belligerent. Skip takes off running like lightening, straight away. The other dog is right on his tail. They go maybe 50 yards out, do a hairpin and come back towards us... They are headed for me but I'm not concerned... then I realize too late how fast they were coming... Skip was running TO ME, for security since he's a bit overwhelmed by the other dog... They hit me at full speed. I go completely vertical. I land on my back at an angle... C-R-A-C-K.. goes my rib(s).
Now winded, on my back, stunned, hat, sunglasses, leash, all strewn from hell to breakfast... Skip comes over to lick my face, I can't speak. Neighbors are asking questions, I eek out answers. Eventually they get a leash on skip and demand to call 911. I insist they not, I know there's nothing to be done but get some ibuprofen. They walk me home. I'm feeling so embarrassed, we didn't even have 30 seconds of conversation before I was leveled by the **combined canine missile.**
I waved good-bye from my front door. Didn't get the guy's name. Well, at least he knows there are other gaybours around. PS: I'll be starting my new job (office setting) with cracked rib(s), in 10 days.
TLDR: Mine and another dog took me out at the knees, I cracked rib(s). Will got to new job as such.
Jobiwankenobi: 190 fit? Are you really tall? I dont mean to be rude but I'm confused.
ayala965: Its all muscle, g et big bro
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1403276774 | 1403282904 | t3_28n9kt | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by evading the police
ChokeMeiLikeIt: the cop was probably just sitting there with his buddies placing bets on how long it would take you to finally get out of the car
Jobiwankenobi: True they probably don't want to deal with "drunks" anyway
| 3 | 1 | |
1403241876 | 1403296440 | t3_28malw | t5_2to41 | 3 | igotchubsforyou: Tifu by drinking dip spit.
Sorry guys but this actually happened about a year ago but thought it belonged here. Also, bad at reddit.
I feel I should explain something first: My ex used to drink - a lot - and leave his finished bottles out on the coffee table and other nearby surfaces, but he always left a small amount remaining in the bottom of the bottle/can/glass. So instead of making multiple trips to dump out the bottles and throw them in the bin, I'd just drink whatever he left in there, as long as it was fresh, and I could sweep all the bottles into the recycling bin the next day. Not a big deal. I could get a nice buzz and we didn't bicker about the mess. I wound up carrying this habit with me after our breakup. I'm fairly healthy and didn't mind the extra germs but always kept it in the family, if you know what I mean.
So I went to visit my cousin in labor. Her husband and I left the hospital to go get the newborn outfit for the pictures they had left at their home around the corner. I had just been kicked out of the room for watching the seismograph thing that shows upcoming contractions and cringing, causing her to "not want to see me make that ridiculous face anymore" so I was happy to not be sitting in the waiting room alone.
We get back to the house and her husband picks up the little outfit sitting on the table and looks at it in complete terror, as if it was about to suck out his brains through a straw. Trying to be empathetic, I grab two beers from the fridge and ask him how he's feeling. We start talking and shootin the shit and then realized about a half hour had passed. I stand up, pick up my bottle to throw away, ask him "you finished?" and he says "yeah", saw liquid left in the bottle, and took a swig. We both looked at each other wide eyed for what seemed like forever, at least until the gagging ensued which thereupon led to laughter causing more gagging and then gag-laughing while coughing and much more laughter, laughter spit-up, and then shame.
Voyager5555: "I'd just drink whatever he left in there"
You've been drinking his spit for years already...
igotchubsforyou: That doesn't bother me, it's the smokeless tobacco saturated saliva that made me sick to my stomach.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403281526 | 1403283094 | t3_28nh8t | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU: Told parents to fuck off... on my birthday.
crazygiggles7: Apologize lol
crizzer74: i dont dare speak to them.
Salium123: Talk to them they will understand, your week has been shit. Its okay.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403014480 | 1403433561 | t3_28dbmu | t5_2to41 | 8 | colleen017: TIFU by swallowing my bite guard.
It's one of those very small, very *expensive* ones they custom make for you at the dentist when you have ridiculous TMJ. It was sitting on my nightstand, and when I swept my pile o' vitamins into my hand and knocked them back, there it went. I blamed the new, horse pill size vitamin I just got. But no, apparently it was just an unprecedented level of stupidity I nearly choked on. The best part being I now have to "watch" for it's return. I got a "boil-a-guard" from CVS that is not cutting it. But I don't have several hundred dollars to go get a replacement either.
colleen017: Update: It...reappeared today. Now confronted with a whole new problem. Ew.
SilithDark: Things that just make you go... blughgh
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403282610 | 1403301599 | t3_28nj05 | t5_2to41 | 21 | owen099: TIFU by trying to get a spider out of the pool.
It all started out as a routine day of getting into the pool. I was cleaning in before I got in, and I was skimming out the leaves and other shit in the pool.
Right as I was about to be done, I found a spider floating on the surface. This little bitch was right one the surface of the water and was looking oddly lumpy. I thought nothing of it's lumpiness, so I used the little skimmer to pick it up.
The spider immediately ran full speed up the skimmer to my hand. I flipped shit. I was rapidly moving the skimmer all around to get this spider off. She was holding on for dear life.
All of the sudden she fell off, and I found out those lumps from earlier were babies. So about a **hundred demon babies scattered off and dispersed on the surface of the pool.**
**TL;DR I shook a spider, it disseminated it's babies, and I flipped shit.**
Additional info:
I later found out that the spider was a female wolf spider. Here is a link to an image of what a baby-carrying wolf spider looks like: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolf_spider#mediaviewer/File:Wolf_spider_with_young_in_garden.jpg
acarmelo1: You killed her babies T_T
owen099: Actually no. I made an effort to safe the babies after I made the mistake. I scooped most of them up and placed them by the mother (or where I originally put the mother).
acarmelo1: Did you make a nest for her and feed her?
NeoMegamanX: Yeah bring them some lighter fluid for them to drink then just set a small fire to make sure they remain warm and happy :3 do it now!!!
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1403283454 | 1403291226 | t3_28nk9u | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU: Had a neighbor's RV towed away
I don't know if this is a fuck-up or not. I told him on the first that his 38 year old motor home would have to go. He had gotten permission from the tenants to park there, but they were moving out, on their earlier '30 days notice' (which, due to the fuck-ups of my property manager had been about 100 days of 'notice').
He asked for, and I quote, "A couple of more days."
Then after over two weeks, and many attempts to reach him, including notes on the RV, the tenants are gone, and I had it 'private party impounded'.
Suddenly he has my phone number and is angrily complaining. Says there will be 'consequences'. He won't even give me his full name over the phone.
Fuck him. But from things he said, and from the types of people around the neighborhood, he's probably a dead-beat ex-con (he's an older dude, but he 'can't get social security'). So I'm expecting maybe some vandalism, perhaps even a violent confrontation.
He says that I'm not a gentleman. Well, nope. I'm a guy who's really tired of months of excuses from a LOT of people about why this property can't be shown to realtors, the *significant* damage from the tenants can't be repaired, the tenants can't move out, yet, discovering only AFTER the tenants are moving out that the TWO motor homes and JUNK on the property don't belong to the tenants, and one has someone LIVING IN IT, etc.
Fucking panhandlers for petty cash, and panhandlers for PARKING AND STORAGE. That's what I dealt with ever since I bought that house. If you have a little land in a mildly depressed area, everyone wants to use it as a free flea market and free RV park and free self storage, and free junk yard, and *worse*.
ka5p3r: My garage is in a alley with no parking sighs about every 100 ft.2-3 times a week someone parks so that i cant get my car in or out of the garage.I call the cops and always hear we can cite it.so now i call a car repossessor who tows the car to?End of problem.this is what i get for living in a neighborhood with high hispanic population,I live in orange county,ca
Krenolds: > this is what i get for living in a neighborhood with high hispanic population,I live in orange county,ca
Racist, much?
Amberwind2001: Not racist, just realist in this case. I live a county over, also in an area with a high Hispanic population, and my Hispanic neighbors are constantly parking in alleys and blocking them off, in front of people's driveways, *perpendicular to the road*, and so forth. The ones who pick up extra cash by salvaging scrap metal are the worst, because they will literally park *up on your grass* if they think there's something you're throwing out they can haul off.
I made the mistake of putting a mini-hibachi on my porch to air out after fumigating it when it got infested with bugs while in storage, and came home from grocery shopping an hour later to tire skid marks on the lawn and no grill on my porch. Neighbor two streets over thought I was throwing it out and had already sold it for scrap.
Krenolds: Yeah, dude, I'm from San Diego. It's not a Hispanic thing, it's just an asshole thing.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1403284955 | 1403491563 | t3_28nmu7 | t5_2to41 | 2,626 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing a horrible prank on my wife.
Well this actually happened yesterday and I still haven't seen her since. Yesterday I got off of work about 3 hours early and offered to pick my son up from my mother in laws for the wife. She was thrilled not to have to worry about that after work. Soon after I picked him up I devised a devious plan that I can only assume is sending me straight to Satan himself. Shortly before she got home I set the plan in motion. I laid our son down for a nap and headed to the living room. I grabbed a beer and put on a game of Dead Rising. As soon as she opened the door she was asking where her baby was. Excited to be home early and in a great mood. The moment she said , "where is our baby", I dropped my beer and hollered "Oh my god in the car! !!". I threw off my headset and ran for the door. Earlier I had put a baby doll in his car seat. Well I ran outside. She was right behind me screaming What's happening. As soon as I got to the door of the car, she started balling and saying oh no no no. I reached in the car and grabbed the baby doll and threw it at her laughing. Needless to say she didn't find it funny at allllll. After a broken Xbox and a kick to the balls I ended up staying at the motel 6. Hopefully she'll talk to me today.
EDIT: UPDATE IN COMMENTS!
THANKS FOR THE GOLD KIND STANGER
Swanksterino: A joke, even if distasteful, is still a joke guy. I'm sure she'll talk to you eventually. Not sure it rated a kick in the balls, maybe a broken x box, but imagine if the roles were reversed. You'd be in jail, not motel six. Tired of women knowing they can act however they feel. No, no, I'm not bitter. Wonder why I'm still single?
TooShortToBeStarbuck: You do realize that what OP did to his wife is psychological abuse, right?
I just want to make sure that while you're in your little hissy fit of misogyny about her retaliation, you are still recognizing that this man psychologically abused his wife for his own amusement.
Women absolutely *can* act however they feel, because women are goddamn human beings. Are you also unclear on *that* detail?
Swanksterino: Name calling. Last resort of the feeble minded. Relax.
TooShortToBeStarbuck: Please point out where I called anybody a 'name.'
It's still abuse; appealing to tone is still a logical fallacy, so ditch the 'relax' bit.
Swanksterino: Misogynistic Hissy fit is intended to paint a less than flattering picture and, rather lazily, attempts to minimize and invalidate my point of view. This is getting a little nuts. Have a nice life lady.
Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing'.″[5]
I'd say I you have now satisfied 3 of those patterns on me, now. Congratulations. You abused a stranger
TooShortToBeStarbuck: You implied that women ought not to be able to "act however they feel," or ought not be aware of their capability to do so. That's aggressive, denying, and minimizing. You also imply that you being single is a result of women's free agency, and not a result of your own behaviours (namely treating women's free agency as a negative thing which women ought not to hvae) making you a completely undesirable person as a partner. This is blame-shifting, another kind of denial.
Honey, I have scarcely begun to abuse you.
Swanksterino: Just cause I feel like I want to kick some one in the balls, doesn't mean I am allowed to do it. I have never raised my hand to a woman, but I have been slapped, kicked, scratched, and punched by all kinds of Gfs. And I'm sure many, if not most other guys have. It's just not cool that we go on pretending it doesn't happen. And that is wrong.
TooShortToBeStarbuck: I'll give a shit when violence by women against men is statistically demonstrated to be a prevailing institutional system worldwide, supported by most widespread religions and most national governments through their legislatures and judiciary systems. :]
Until then, I'll just wonder why you're so good at pissing off the women you're trying to take to bed... not that it's actually any mystery, based on how you convey yourself online.
Swanksterino: My, my, you must've exhausted your entire lexicon in that last one. You win, by virtue of having bored me into submission. I only continued to demonstrate the extent of your delusion. 'Point to out where I called someone a name' so I did, from within the very same thread. But we're not talking about that anymore. So rail against my reddit account, get it all out.
TooShortToBeStarbuck: Nah, dude. You're an insurance agent living in a California trailer park. You don't know how to spell ecstatic, and you use the word 'aforementioned' liberally. You're harmful enough to yourself; my railing to this point has only been supplementary to your own highly effective efforts.
Swanksterino: See what I mean? Just personal attacks, that's all you got. As for the aforementioned use of the word aforementioned. I guess ya got me. You seemed to have spent a considerable amount of your day, researching me. I am flattered, and happy I rented so much space in your head. Enjoy your Internet rager, or maybe you could just get laid?
TooShortToBeStarbuck: Considerable amount of the day? All of that stuff is in the first couple pages of your reddit account, findable in under ten seconds. I've had sneezing fits which took longer.
Planning to get laid tonight, actually. Being happily married does present certain perks. Too bad you can't say the same, Mister Single and Prone to Getting Kicked.
Swanksterino: I don't think so. You rage like a 15yo kid with a hard on. Married? I pity that sap. Like I said earlier, have a nice life. Too bad I know different.
TooShortToBeStarbuck: You're the one who keeps replying to an obvious troll, Oh Great Wounded Ego. I'm just having some fun at your expense, but you are well and truly *bothered.* My life is beautiful; thanks for the well-wishing!
Swanksterino: Indeed, and good day.
| 16 | 164.125 | |
1403287909 | 1403288765 | t3_28nrt8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by over analyzing
TIFU by over analyzing why my SO doesn't want to have sex. Unsure what to think and now am freaking out.
Chwyn: It has nothing to do with you. If you're not feeling it then you're not.
crustyoreo: This.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403287903 | 1403298608 | t3_28nrsz | t5_2to41 | 31 | ofmilkandhoney: TIFU by going to my boyfriend's place.
I was at a party last night with my boyfriend. We were having a great time, drinking, dancing, etc. Well as the night dwindled on, I sobered up and instead of wanting to sleep at this kind of dingy house like my SO and I had originally planned, we decided to go back to his place. My parents had known I was out and had given them that address and told them I would be staying there. I forgot to tell them plans changed...
What do I wake up to when I'm laying next to my boyfriend naked around 8 in the morning? My dad. My father busting through the apartment door with a whirlwind of rage. He's screaming, where were you? Why did you leave that house? Why didn't you answer my calls? Why are you naked? Why are you sleeping here? He's throwing my clothes at me and oh is he holy hell screaming at my SO. I get dragged down the stairs and I am not allowed to talk to my boyfriend til probably the end of time. We have the same classes and my dad is making me switch out of them so I don't even see him anymore.
I'm pretty sure I lost my boyfriend and my dad's trust for all eternity.
TheDyingEconomy_: How old are you?
mythrowawayresponse: yeah this sounds a little over the top for anyone that is 18+ ... so I am guessing below that.
iggloovortex: This, and he'll be okay after a while. When you guys have a civil talk
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1403289991 | 1403419123 | t3_28nvbu | t5_2to41 | 27 | OutstandingWeirdo: TIFU by asking my crush to take a picture with me at graduation
Background story on how we met: I had a class together with this girl last year and thought she looked really unique. Not necessarily the prettiest but looks smart, mature, elegant, someone I can be comfortable around, etc. We never talked the entire year, never got a chance to since she did not sit anywhere near me and I was not infatuated with her back then.
The next school year, I didn't have any classes with her but we had the same lunch period. I started to notice her more since I had to walk past the lunch table that she always sat in to get to my table. So a few months before highschool was ending, I randomly told my friends, "hey look, it's L." (Yes, I'm weird like that) And I started to say something like that or mention her almost everyday. Little did I know, three of my friends had a class with her. One of them "betrayed" me and told her that I've said a lot about her. She remembers me being in her class but was confused since we've never talked before. She would keep asking my friend, "who's N?"
We would always see each other in the lunchroom and occasionally say hi. I found out from my friend that we were going to the same college. (Destiny or what?) My friend would tell her that I stalk her and I'm a creep. She told my friend that it's okay, she knows my schedule. (My schedule was posted on my facebook) This was when I started becoming more and more infatuated with her. She was probably expecting me to ask her to prom but I said that I was not going since it was expensive. The day before prom, she came over to our table and said "Hi N, this is my prom date". It was my friend from freshman year, I knew he was friends with my crush and would not take it farther. My friends and I decided to get another girl with the same name as her to pretend to be my prom date. I went up to her and said "Hi L, this is my prom date, L. She did not say anything. Towards the end of the year she let us sign her yearbook and I wrote, "see you in (college name). Please ignore M and E, I am not a creep.
-Your future husband, N" She did not read it during that lunch period but when she did, she showed it to many other people and laughed while reading it.
Main story: After the graduation, I looked everywhere for her since I really wanted to have a picture with her. When I found her, I went up to her and said "We should take a picture". She said "yeah... We should". Her friends moved aside so only two of us are in the picture. She put her arm around me so I did the same and held her really close. A man (probably her father) took the picture and seemed eager to do it.
This all happened yesterday and this morning I found out that she deleted me from her facebook.
TLDR: I fucked up by going up to my crush (who I don't talk to often) and asked for a picture after graduation ceremony. I held her really close after she put her arm around me. She got really creeped out and deleted me from her facebook.
I am so sorry for the wall of text.
Edit: Thanks for the responses. The general consensus seems to be that I AM a creep. I learned something new today and will never try to creep a girl out like this again, thank you guys.
Edit 2: I actually do not regret what I did. If I could do it again, I might decide to do the same thing and creep her out more. It was incredibly hilarious and the most memorable moments of our senior year. Whenever I walked past her lunch table, her friends will say stuff like "L, he's right there!" or "Woooo!" She also occasionally comes over to our table to ask if any of us need a seat for prom and on the 2nd to last day of school she asked me to help her take a photo of her friends and her together. I can honestly say that I lived my life in the past few months.
I also did not mention that there was a time when she sat right next to me in the auditorium. We were playing taboo together with my friends and we had a small conversation about dorms, fraternities, and stuff. My friend asked, "so.... N, when's your promposal?" And she asked, "why you guys gotta be so mean to him?" My friend said, "well... It's not like he says stuff about you or anything..." She responded with "... Really?" And I was just silent and then that was when I told her that I wasn't going to prom. So I was not a total stranger and she was not afraid of me nor felt uncomfortable approaching me.
Edit 3: My friend suggested that I tell her that I'm gay so she wouldn't be afraid of me and then tell her I'm straight later on.
Unrouted: You won't remember this in a year. Go have fun in college. She'll probably laugh about it if you two end up being friends in the future. You'll probably meet a hundred girls in college. Just do your own thing and they'll approach you.
OutstandingWeirdo: Thanks, but I'll probably remember this as long as I live. I wish I could be friends with her but I'm way too awkward around her. It's like I forgot how to have normal conversations. :/
drz400s: Hey man, take some advice from someone who's been there before. Everyone's goofed up around women, it's just part of growing. Does it sting? of course. Hard to forget? Maybe. It seems like it now, but it's really up to you. Like unrouted said, go out and have fun.
A few years down the line, when you're out of college and working, you and your buds will share some laughs at all the dumb things you've done around women, and you'll realize it turned out to be no big deal.
I chased after the same girl for way too long. It felt important to me then, but time will change your perspective. Now I look back and wish I had taken the same advice I'm giving you now.
OutstandingWeirdo: You are probably right. I'm just really infatuated with her right now and wish I could make what I wrote on her yearbook come true.
creepycoworker: How do you know that? Think this through a little...how do you even know that you would be happy with her forever? You've barely spoken with her, right? What if she isn't into the same things you are, what if she wants kids and you don't (or vice versa), what if she wants to live in some remote jungle area and you're more of a city guy?
I'm sorry if this is harsh. I'm hoping to help you (and your future infatuations) avoid embarrassing, uncomfortable situations. I've been the creeper and the creeped-upon, and neither situation is positive or healthy for anyone.
OutstandingWeirdo: You're right, I do not completely know her nor am I certain that I would be happy with her forever. However, if I did, I would say that i was in love with her instead of just infatuated with her. The definition of infatuation is liking someone with unreasonable passion, and that is what I'm feeling right now. How do I know I am infatuated? Because I think about her everyday for no good reason.
creepycoworker: I meant those questions in reference to how you said that you want to make what you wrote in her yearbook come true (by which I assumed you meant being L.'s future husband).
I know you're infatuated, and that's all good!! It's natural and fun, and there's no harm in it...as long as you recognize it for what it is and don't pretend you and the object of your infatuation are closer than you really are. It can be easy to let the fantasy in your head spill over into real-world interactions (like what you wrote in her yearbook and holding her too close at graduation). That's where it starts negatively affecting you by creeping people out or possibly blowing chances by acting overly familiar instead of actually getting to know the person like you would anyone else. Been there, done that. Don't beat yourself up too badly! Just realize that it's something you'll have to watch yourself for, and you'll be fine.
| 8 | 3.375 | |
1403288170 | 1403323761 | t3_28ns8r | t5_2to41 | 7 | totallynot13: TIFU by drinking water
So it's the morning of a final exam, that I accidentally overslept for, (I set my alarm clock's current time to the time I wanted to wake up, and the time I wanted to wake up for my clock's current time). I managed to get to the center 15 minutes late. As I'm walking/running, I notice something dripping down my leg. I had earlier grabbed a water bottle from my fridge and quickly taken a drink in lieu of an actual breakfast, and forgot to close it. Halfway through the exam, I realized what I had in my backpack and what was dripping down my legs as I was racewalking to the exam hall. Not only did I stupidly put a water bottle that wasn't closed properly into my backpack, I also left my $150 TI-Nspire I was going to use to write a physics test later that day inside it, as well as a $220 textbook I had to return. During the exam, I had the pleasure of watching water seep through the bottom of my backpack (It had to be placed in a corner with all the others) and on to the ground, taking a fraction of my sanity with every drop. Now I get to spend money I earned in 3 months of a paper route on replacing the contents of my backpack.
devosion: As long as your laptop wasn't on you just need to let it dry for a couple days and it should be fine. As far as the text book goes, I would be careful about spending full price on the things, since half the time you can buy used ones for a fraction of price, and textbook rentals are a good way to save money. You should still be able to resell the dried textbook for maybe $30 to $60, maybe more if your lucky.
totallynot13: I mean its a textbook owned by the school, so I kinda need to pay full price for it. As for the calculator, well I'll have to find a dummy one somewhere I guess
A-Pi: If it's just water you can dry that all out.
totallynot13: I already returned the textbook, so I have to pay for it. I would have held on to it, but it was the deadline
A-Pi: Ah Damn. Bad luck dude
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1403313419 | 1403315021 | t3_28nwl7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | nebulast299792458: Yeah I work at the bank-- we take ripped checks all the time. No problem. We tape it up and it's totally fine.
Schen5s: Wait, so it's ok if the cheque is ripped into 2 pieces?? Or only if it is still in 1 piece but ripped into nearly 2 pieces
nebulast299792458: Yeah. Same thing if you brought in a ripped $100 bill. As long as it's part of the whole-- it's fine. Actually we say more than 50% of the bill is okay to negotiate.
Edit: spelling and grammar.
Once a day I have a ripped check to tape together. It's fine. Not a big deal.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403291462 | 1403297845 | t3_28nxw9 | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU REALLLY BAD, really guys, fuck.
So it all started of with a tab of acid, call me what you want I'm okay, but today I fucked up by having my sister swallow my used acid tab. So it started off great while I was taking it, then I felt I was being over whelmed after a bit so I took my tab and rolled it into a small ball, the proceeded to stick it into a straw of a used drink, thinking I would be fine till the next morning, when I came from my room after I visited with my 10 year old sister, I noticed the styrafoam cup with its lid off, knowing she fucking drank it. So I'm now wondering what will happen to her and if she's going to trip, I don't know if it was diluted enough to still cause problems, any advice for the next hour, and what should I look for.
polishgravy: Why would you spit out the tab? No one does that. The tab would dissolve before you felt anything anyway. I call Shenanigans.
jace53: Agreed. Shenanigans.
qtamadeus: I injected 3 marijuanas and my sister touched my arm.
jace53: hehehe
| 5 | 5 | |
1403292042 | 1403300400 | t3_28nyuq | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by failing my final year of my degree
I passed all my modules, except for my final year project. Overall I done well, and would get a 2:2 but you have to pass the project to pass the degree - I was 5% short.
Oh well, another year of being a student...
agent_scully2084: Can you appeal the grade?
fr00j: I won't know my options until Monday, but I hope so.
agent_scully2084: Best of luck to you.
fr00j: Thanks!
megadalon: Update us! Good luck, bud.
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1403289124 | 1403362150 | t3_28ntvs | t5_2to41 | 48 | keyfobpenis: TIFU in a public restroom when I tried to toss the toilet paper I just wiped my ass with into the toilet but I missed and it landed at the feet of the guy in the next stall.
I held my breath in utter terror and felt paralyzed, standing tense with my pants around my ankles. I heard nothing. He said nothing. I didn't even finish wiping, let alone flush the toilet. I bolted out of there so fucking fast I forgot to pull my pants up until I got to the door.
zrpx7: You stand up to wipe your ass? That's just fucking weird.
toooquiet: There are so many Redditors who do this and have *no idea* it's fucking weird.
NeoMegamanX: I thought doing it sitting down was weird... I'm normal :D
Lightfail: How the fuck do you do that while sitting down?
NeoMegamanX: Carefully. If you flinch you'll get your hand on toilet water :3
| 6 | 8 | |
1403290928 | 1403314524 | t3_28nwzl | t5_2to41 | 42 | Redd_hexx: TIFU by getting black out drunk...
Having a good night drinking whiskey with my SO. She has had enough and goes to pass out in the bedroom. I have more.
This part I remember. I was feeling good, and decided to have a plate of spaghetti. I turned on a Hannibal Buress special. I remember laughing and understanding the jokes. This is where I lose the time.
The next thing I know, I am awake, standing in the kitchen. I was looking in the fridge. Except I wasn't. I wasn't looking in the fridge, I was pissing in the fridge.
I couldn't quite comprehend what was happening at first. It was only after I was finished pissing that I realized, I just urinated on the bottom shelf of the fridge. I cleaned it up and threw out what I thought was contaminated.
This morning I wake up and double check that everything was okay. But, I had missed something. The vegetable crisper. It now makes sense why I wasn't sopping up ounces and ounces of urine. It had all dripped through the vent into the veggie drawer below. I threw everything out and dumped out a big gulp size of urine in the sink.
June 20th, 2014. The day I get sober. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR. Got hammered drunk and woke up to find myself pissing in my fridge.
poohspiglet: At least it was your own fridge.
Psychedelic_explorer: No shit. I pissed on my friends shoe pile at a party a little while ago.
| 3 | 14 | |
1403291600 | 1403506955 | t3_28ny52 | t5_2to41 | 4 | disk5464: TIFU by *almost* failing two finals.
Reddit today I fucked up big time. So this week was finals week, and I had two important finals, ones that I knew I had to study for in advance and had a study guides for. First I had chemistry then math.I knew I was gonna have to really buckle down and study for these finals. (you can see where this is going). So throughout the week I studied a little here and there and when it came time for the tests I had I felt like I had prepared enough. But when I got my chemistry score back I only had a 71. My parents were pissed. Today I took the math final and a history final. I got a 71 on my math final, matching my chemistry. My dad found out first about the math and was pissed because I had been able to maintain a 90 average in chemistry and an 87 in math for the year. He said he was disappointed because he had a son who doesn't try. My mom has not found out yet about the chem, but will in about an half an hour when she gets home. So I sit here typing this as I'm waiting for my mom to get home and find out how badly I fucked up. So yea.... That happened. Oh and I got a 101 on the history final but my parents are going to over look it I'm sure. (For context a 70 is considered a "passing grade" in my school)
TL;DR I got a 71 on two finals in one week, my parents are ready to strangle me.
Teotwawki69: Are you and your parents by any chance Asian?
disk5464: No were all white
Teotwawki69: Yeah, your bad grammar just proved that.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403294232 | 1403366937 | t3_28o2dv | t5_2to41 | 7 | macadam6: TIFU By having sex with my Gf
So today exactly about 15 minutes ago I met my girlfriend in private. We're not really supposed to see each other but we often just sneak out. So I went to take my dog out for a walk this morning and I saw her. I immediately rushed him back home and told my parents I was going to my friends house when I was really meeting her. Shortly after I met her she told me she was home alone so we went to her bedroom and started getting scandolous. I had a condom so we immediately got to it. Everything was going well but after my climax I noticed a weird leak. I looked down and to my horror the condom broke. We're really scared because we've had something similar to this happen before but she wasnt pregnant. But this time it might be for real. Also her and my parents were starting to get along but if she pregnant we'll probably never see each other again. Is their any advice you guys can Give me? And I know I might as well be hopeless but how can we break it to out parents. Please help
iggloovortex: Dont say anything to parents, you can buy pregnancy tests without needing an adult. Find someone's older sibling who can get you a plan B. Otherwise if you sit on your ass all day and are a lazy fuck your sperm might just be too lazy to even impregnate her
throwawaykts: you do realize that pee comes out of a completely different hole...right??
iggloovortex: I do, I was just straight listing what has worked for me in the past. My ex and I had a tendency to go raw often and she never got preg. Flow of juices and what not
[deleted]: THIS IS COMPLETELY FALSE. Urination can not stop fertilization. Stop giving this advice.
iggloovortex: I said might dude, and i said i was just listing things that had happened after my ex and were finished, forgot i could edit, ill remove it
[deleted]: There are too many unwanted babies in the world. Seriously, plan b is the only safe and effective option.
| 7 | 1 | |
1403293903 | 1403303597 | t3_28o1v6 | t5_2to41 | 44 | RaceCarAcer: TIFU by going on a rollercoaster
Today...well yesterday, my girlfriend and I went to Canada's Wonderland. Reaching the end of the day and we are riding the behemoth. Seeing as this sucker has an almost 90 degree drop I figured it would be smart to put our hats and sunglasses in the cubby for protection. The first half of the ride this proved to be a good idea until....on one of the last drops of the ride I hear a girl behind me shout "Oh no!". Looking around I now see my keys floating beside me, just out of reach. This roller-coaster is also over a body of water.
Good bye car keys.
PassivePandas: Slightly similar story: I was in Disneyland, about 10 years ago. There's a roller coaster there (assuming its still there) called California screaming, screamer? I don't fucking know, that's not the point. This roller coaster starts idle above water, and out of no where, freaking goes. A lady in front of me was just chatting away on her phone like she wasn't on a fucking roller coaster, sadly she was. You can guess what happened. Yep, the think jolted forward, and she released her phone into the water. At least the ride was good; probably not for her though.
Netolu: California Screamin', and it uses a linear induction motor for the launch. No chain hill, just full on acceleration and off you go!
PassivePandas: Thank you for the info! That ride was THE shit as a 9 year old.
| 4 | 11 | |
1403294764 | 1403297401 | t3_28o38h | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking I locked the bathroom door at work
This happened about an hour ago and it all began at lunch. I was hungrier than usual so I decided eating a chili cheese dog AND chili cheese fries from A&W was a good idea. For the next hour or so I could feel the shit pressure building up inside me like a shit volcano. I usually dont like taking shits at work but there was absolutely no chance of making it through the day without doing so. Anyways our bathroom has a faulty lock that will lie to you and make it seem like its locked (part of the reason I don't shit at work), and since i was in such a hurry i didn't really check. So Im almost done with the eternal battle of releasing a thousand dark spirits from the catacombs of my bowels when i hear the door handle jiggle a bit. I think oh its locked and the jiggler failed to open it so they will know someones in here, BUT NO he tries again as if he doesn't believe its locked and I hear a loud pound on the door like someones ramming it with their shoulder. Wtf my ass is out, theres toilet paper in my crack, and I turn my head to see the door swing open and my boss walking in. His head is down at first so he gets a couple steps inside before he sees me and my shitty ass. He finally realizes im in there, we make eye contact, and he awkwardly says OH SORRY with his voice cracking. I could see just how much embarassment was in his face as he did the quickest 180 ive ever seen to get out of there. Im frozen the whole time and i can do nothing but say pshhhhh. Its been about an hour and we havent made eye contact since but we have a meeting later to talk about things so I'm excited for that. This isnt the worst situation, but it isnt the best either.
HopelessSemantic: You didn't fuck up; your boss did. He knows the lock is broken and he muscled his way into the bathroom despite the door resisting.
Of course, you could've just said "Hey, someone's in here!" when he tried to open it the second time.
QuickRevive: The second attempt caught me with my pants down because it was so quick and successful like wtf who tries to open the door like that. It all happened so fast it wouldnt have really mattered, he was coming in either way. I think he had to shit too.
| 3 | 3 | |
1403293920 | 1403300754 | t3_28o1vz | t5_2to41 | 8 | wavesurf: TIFU by trying to impress my wife
This happened around three weeks ago. I bought my wife and I long boards, she has always wanted to learn to skateboard and I wanted to teach her. I got us a pair of nice cruiser boards with double kingpin trucks, we had gone to the park once and went for a nice ride (the park is paved, flat, and great for learning).
I grew up skate boarding on a regular sized board and haven't had much experience with the long board style, said lack of experience is where I made my mistake. To be clear, my wife sometimes lovingly teases me and call me "Mr. Safety" because I am always looking out for safety issues, go the speed limit etc, this day I was not Mr. Safety.
We decided to go out in front of our house and ride for a few minutes and enjoy some fresh air. As we cruised I said, "I wanna try going down the hill on a near by street (not a huge hill, and I had seen other long boarders go down it before). My wife follows me and walks to the bottom of the hill to watch me, I started about three quarters of the way up and figured that would be enough for the first time .
I hollered out "Watch This!" which is how most embarrasing moments start out, and start my way down what I thought was a medium sized hill. I'm going, and getting faster and in my head thinking "cool, cool, cool,...uh oh". I flew by her at what she said was around 35mph made it around 60 more feet got speed wobbles and had to bail. By this point I'm realizing that no helmet and track pants are not the best thing for a fall of this nature.
Needless to say, my body had road rash in almost all of the same places as a previous motorcycle crash that i had been in, and hurt almost as much. Anyway, that is my story... so remember next time you are about to say "Watch This!", think to yourself if what you are doing is a good idea.
(btw, I later learned that a guy in my neighborhood clocked himself going down that hill and hit 35mph, so my wife was right).
WizardOfAhhhs: Around here a call of "Watch this!" is usually preceded by a request of "Hold my beer."
toooquiet: /r/holdmybeer
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403294692 | 1403324930 | t3_28o33x | t5_2to41 | 126 | [deleted]: [TIFU] by making my parents think i´m gay
This actually happened a week ago.
So the background is that i have a friendship with benefits going on with a girl from my town.
Most of the time we met at her house because she was not living with her parents any more (i still do).
So one day she decided to come to my house. May parents were out for work so it was no problem.
We did what friends with benefits do. Right in the middle i hear something in the house but i don´t care because it was fucking awesome!
After a few seconds my door opens and some light comes in (shutters were down). It is my mother trying to tell me she brought food.
After saying "Hi Eric (name changed)" she gets what is going on. She sees me naked and only some spread legs behind me.
She leaves the room and everythings fine. My mother is relaxed about things like this so we were going on.
After we were done she's getting her clothes on and leaves. She sneaked out of the house btw. A few minutes later a friend of mine calls me and tells me he got himself an X-Box and asks if he can come to my house (he only has a shitty small TV).
The day was perfect. Had sex and now i´m gonna play some X-Box.
So he comes over (mum didn´t recognize since she was doing office stuff).
Adam (name changed) asks me if we have some food left. Since my mom brought some and i din't eat mine i leave it to him. On the way to the kitchen he meets my mom and has some smalltalk with her.
Few hours later he leaves and me and my parents sit in the living room watching TV.
My mum behaved a bit stranged so i asked if something is wrong.
When she started saying "Well earlier today" i interrupt her and just say "Please not the weird talk about sex with my parents" (i obviously did not know what she really wanted to say). She stops talking and i go to bed.
A week later she still behaves kinda strange so i ask her again. She then asks me how long it is going like this. I tell her that its "like this" for about three months.
I also tell her that her name is Amy and it's nothing serious. She then starts laughing and tells me she thought i was gay. Since she didnt see Amy leaving and Adam coming she was really thinking i had sex with Adam.
Then she mentions she talked with our neighbors for advice.
She really likes them and tells them everything but they can not keep a single fucking secret.
Now all the neighbors think im gay.
Don´t know how to deal with it but i think it won't be bad. Just weird.
If you have any Questions feel free to ask. I was 19 at this point btw.
Also sorry for bad english, I´m German.
**tl;dr : Had sex with friend with benefits. Mom comes in thinks it's a male friend of mine and tells the neighbors I´m gay. Now everbody thinks I´m gay.**
Edit for language and stuff
DreadPirateHenry: There's only one thing you can do: Fuck Amy on the front lawn of each neighbor.
Charcoal456: Only solution. Or you could try beding your neighbor's wives, just a suggestion!
skysinsane: The best part is, they will never believe that it happened, because he is gay!
| 4 | 31.5 | |
1403295365 | 1403323813 | t3_28o47x | t5_2to41 | 9 | thepotatochronicles: TIFU big time while partitioning my drive...
or rather, moving the partitions of my drive.
There is this program that is notorious for the long time it takes to move partitions but works a lot better than other ones so I thought, why not try the demo?
So I'm trying to shrink the size of one partition of my 1tb ext. drive and expand the other one. Seems easy enough (first red flag should've been that disk utility couldn't handle my drive).
Except it took 6+ hours. And it froze.
In a panic, I closed the laptop quickly until I realized it was a big mistake. So I opened it back up and lo and behold, I couldn't move the damn mouse or type in anything.
And my scumbag brain proceeds to tell me this:
"alrighty then, I guess the best thing to do at this point is to unplug everything (even though the partitioning is still going on) and restart everything."
Aaaaaannd I lost everything inside the drive. I am thoroughly facedesking over this one... I shoulda just bought another ext drive instead of trying to save 30GB..
TL;DR I'm a computer f***up.
Edit: I showed my dad this thread and he fixed it overnight. Holy data magician macaroni... apparently all my files were still there..
fort_knoxx: ALWAYS Have a backup. and keep it safe. I almost did this recently as well. not fun, when the controls lock up.
thepotatochronicles: THAT was the backup drive. I hate myself so much right now
fort_knoxx: shit... that sucks. don't worry mate, hope for the best, good luck recovering the information(weather it be from the drive or not). sleepworking is not fun, thats why they invented COFFEE!!!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1403297871 | 1403298285 | t3_28o877 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by pooping in pants at work
Box-ception: Well at least you didn't poop somebody else's pants.
crustyoreo: Same.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403297009 | 1403301186 | t3_28o6ut | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing mid-highway.
I hope you don't mind, but this happened a couple years ago. I just found out about r/TIFU, and oh boy do I have some FU's to share with you! Let's start with this one:
Lets go back to my senior year in high school. I was this odd, quiet, grumpy guy who looked like he was 25 at 17. I didn't grow up in the developed world and so being surrounded by loud, obnoxious teenagers felt like torture to me. All I could think about was the wholesome combo of problems my country was facing. In all honesty, I could never manage to give a rat's bottom about what the other kids talked about. Needless to say, I had only a handful of 'friends' and no one to really talk to.
Anyways, for some reason I had developed a rather irrational anxiety: After every class I would pay a visit to the bathroom to take a leak. I would panic if I missed or even delayed one of these routine sessions... I was even scared of drinking water. For some reason I began to think that at any moment I would fail to hold it in and pee all over myself, even when this has NEVER happened to me. It really made no sense but the anxiety contaminated my thoughts and emotions all day, every day.
It so happened that we had to take a field trip for one of our classes. It was gonna take us 15 minutes to get there by bus, no biggy. The problem was that the bus ride was gonna happen at exactly the time of one of my routine bathroom breaks.
So I get on the bus and right away I'm nervous. I'm moving about, shaking my leg, trying hard to delay what seemed like an inevitable panic attack. We're on the highway and I really can't wait any longer. I walk up to the front of the bus and I ask the teachers if a bathroom stop is at all possible. They look at me with the strangest look, because we were just a few minutes from getting there. There were no more exits till the destination. I start getting REALLY impatient and I tell them that I HAVE to go. I tell them that I have a really bad bladder problem. The bus driver pulls over to the emergency lane, but they tell me that I can't go in public because it's illegal or something: At this point I can't hear what anybody says. Aparently my only option is to pee into a little plastic bag right by the steps of the bus, with a packed busful of students as my audience. I whip out my meat-hose and tell the teacher to hold the bag as I release.
I can't even remember what they did with the bag. It's all a blur. I do remember I walked back to my seat as casual as can be. I really did not give a crap about what those kids thought of me.
Every once in a while though, I think back and give myself a chuckle. I'm not one to get embarassed but I know that it should have NEVER happened...
EDIT: I forgot to mention that the teachers were all female, some quite attractive. The teacher that held the bag tried to avoid eye contact, but I saw her take a look. We were facing each other.
Voyager5555: " I whip out my meat-hose and tell the teacher to hold the bag as I release. "
I think they call those balls of titanium.
iggloovortex: fucking manly as fuck
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1403298963 | 1403425183 | t3_28o9vr | t5_2to41 | 18 | JonnyPotts: TIFU. My Roomate burnt the house down I'm homeless
So I have a Roomate who just graduated from college, and he was moving out. He had just got all his stuff out and Burned some papers from school earlier in the day while I was at work so I had no clue. I got home from work took a shower left for 45 minutes and on my way back saw smoke. We got to my house I jumped out of my fiends moving car and neighbors we're already trying to hose it down and make sure everyone was out.
Then as we we're getting some oil away from the side of the house and hosing it the fire caught the house and our single pane windows burst almost instantly. The fire department arrived and battled it and finally got it out after cutting several holes in the roof. Hours later we went in and the entire house was burnt to a crisp.
When the windows started bursting I jumped In my car and threw it in reverse and got it out of the way, so I have that and my blown up dirtbike that was in my shed.
Fuck.
Here's the link to news report
http://www.sanluisobispo.com/2014/06/20/3119941/fire-damages-slo-home-thursday.html
DrMcHorrible97: Damn that's like 1.5 hours north of where I live! What part of town was it?
JonnyPotts: Right off of foothill about 2 miles west of campus
DrMcHorrible97: Damn dude
Hope everything turns out for the better
JonnyPotts: Yeah just kinda couch surfing for now, honestly still so surreal hard to believe it happened
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1403298882 | 1403324219 | t3_28o9re | t5_2to41 | 5 | lostmyfoundit: TIFU by forgetting to strap my newborn son in to his car seat.
So my wife had to drive to watch our daughter at a dance recital and would be taking our 3 week old son to his babysitter. I work from home, so before getting to it I spent some time with my son while my wife got herself ready to go. He then fell asleep and I set him in his car seat and placed a blanket over him while I tended to some emails. When my wife was ready to leave I saw her to the door and she took him and headed on her way. 2 hours later she texted me and told me that when she got to the babysitter's - 40 miles away - she saw that he wasn't properly strapped in to his car seat. Being the overly obsessive dad that I am my mind suddenly reeled with all the possible scenarios of what could have happened in about 2 seconds, and I my stomach dropped, my palms got sweaty as hell, and I felt like I was going to vomit. I immediately called her and stammered I don't know how many apologies about how shitty I felt. She assured me it was fine, he was fine, everything is fine fine FINE. She said he normally he hates his car seat and cries the whole time he's in it, and wondered why he was so quiet the whole way.
It's all good in the end, but boy there for a while I felt like a goddamn horrible parent.
classic20: He was quiet because he was dead?
cliffahead: Dude. Not even funny.
Imthedaddy11: Dude. Fucking hilarious
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1403302768 | 1403329902 | t3_28ofpp | t5_2to41 | 5 | droveblackedout: TIFU by driving blacked out in a city
Well, a couple weeks ago. I had been drinking at a festival for a while with friends. Accidentally had a bit more than planned, since I didn't really feel drunk. So, I drove my friend and I to a bar, where we met up with the other friends who took a cab (they had taken a cab to the city). I don't remember the drive over (recovered memory once I was inside the bar). Got to the bar, had a bit more. Waited a couple hours, then drove an hour home, still drunk but I remember it.
Somehow made it everywhere without any damage to myself, my car, or anyone else.
Bad decision. Don't drive drunk. I was lucky I didn't hurt anyone or even get a DUI. Actually no consequences at all, but not worth risking.
[deleted]: How do you know you didn't damage anything or hurt someone if you can't even remember it? What if you did? Just cause you didn't remember it doesn't mean it couldn't have happened. You can hit somebody without damaging your vehicle.
droveblackedout: Friend wasn't blacked out. If I had hurt someone or something he would have told me.
amazedbyyou: Then why didn't he drive? Why didn't you take a cab & pick your vehicle up the next day? I am stunned at the number of people who drive drunk or high. I don't care if you get a DUI. In fact I wish you would. What if you hit a family driving home from a movie and murdered a child? A child with potential and a full life to live and you ended it? What if you murder a mother? A father? Brother, sister, aunt, uncle? Who the hell do you think you are to get black out drunk and drive a vehicle? Would you put one bullet in the chamber, spin it and walk up to people randomly and play Russian roulette? Think about that seriously. Because if your answer is no....then why do you do it with driving drunk? It's the same concept. You are not so special that this won't catch up with you. I seriously hope you don't ever kill anyone or injure anyone. But if you do, then it's best if it's the crazy fool who you see reflected in your mirror. You have a serious drinking problem and a serious god complex. Get help. For the sake of all innocent people on the road, at least take a cab. Or a bus. The subway. The L train. The sky train. The C train. Have a designated driver. Or just don't drink if you are driving. Sooooo many options...but you still think you're special enough to decide who lives and who dies when you're drunk behind the wheel. This can be down voted to oblivion. I don't care. I do care that there are people who have such extreme problems that they drive drunk and brag when there's been "no consequence". A dead child is "a consequence"? A paralyzed mom is "a consequence"? You live a sad sad life. I hope you find some light in your life because I think the darkness you live in has consumed you.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1403304144 | 1403378592 | t3_28ohno | t5_2to41 | 81 | maybeitsjustm3: TIFU by looking at pictures on my laptop
TIFU by finding some pictures I don't think I was supposed to see on my laptop.
Throwaway account here, but my Fiancee and I have been together for 3 and a half years and have the most adorable 20 month old daughter in the entire world. To say that I love my girls more than anything would be an enormous understatement. We've had a wonderful relationship thus far, and I have never suspected anything out of the ordinary from her.
Several days ago I had her transfer some pictures of our daughter from her Iphone to my laptop to send to some of our family members.
Earlier today, I opened up Itunes and began to see which pictures I wanted to send. There were plenty of good ones of our daughter and of the three of us. Hell, I thought I had hit the jackpot when I discovered some nudes and various other sexy photos that she had never sent to me. However, I soon became suspicious when I noticed several saved snapchats of her in some sexy lingerie that she had not sent to me either. She must have been completely unaware that she had synced her entire photo gallery.
From there things got even worse. I found some nudes of her (obviously sent to some other random dudes), and even screenshots of several of the guys responses ("I like your ass lol." "Wish I lived close enough to meet you lol.")
I feel completely blindsided and betrayed. I work 40+ hours a week so that she can stay home to raise our kid, and this is what I receive in return. I have yet to confront her about what I saw, but plan on it once she gets off of work.
TL;DR: Fiancee transferred pictures to my laptop from her Iphone. Found sexy snapchat screenshots of her, and replies from guys she had sent them to.
****Update****
Please forgive me for for not updating sooner, its been a stressful night.
Fiancee arrived home from work and after smoking a J, I confronted her about what I had found. She was dumbfounded at first and thought I had been going through her phone. After I explained that it had synced automatically she became very distraught, and immediately asked if I was going to leave her. I told her i wasn't, but that i felt i deserved an explanation.
She explained that she was doing it to be "adventurous" and that those were the only pictures she had sent. I told her how much it hurt me, and she said didn't realize how much pain it would have caused me for her to show off some.
However i think we will be able to work things out. I love the hell out of this person, and even though my trust is broken, i think we will be able to work through this.
Thanks for all of your kind words and support.
ezSpankOven: If you are able to keep calm and not throw her out on her ass, kudos to you my friend. I know I'd have a a hard time letting my wife be in our house or around our child if that happened. At the very least, she would be paying for this fuckup for a long time.
maybeitsjustm3: As much as I'd like to, I could not see myself throwing her out. Without me she has no car, house, etc. She has practically nowhere to go besides her mom's house, and I know she would take our daughter as well.
ezSpankOven: Yeah I can imagine how you feel. I'm in the exact same situation as you, I work full time so she can stay home with our baby. I pay the house and all other bills. I guess thats why reading your post made me angry. After working so hard to support the family, I know that would make that betrayal and breach of trust hurt all the more.
maybeitsjustm3: >Yeah I can imagine how you feel. I'm in the exact same situation as you, I work full time so she can stay home with our baby. I pay the house and all other bills. I guess thats why reading your post made me angry. After working so hard to support the family, I know that would make that betrayal and breach of trust hurt all the more.
That is definitely the part which pisses me off the most. It's not that I mind working a lot to support our family. I feel its my duty as the man of the house. However, I am very grateful that she got a part-time job to help out, but it makes me wonder if its only for her to have some feel of "independence" from me.
ezSpankOven: Glad you were able to talk things through. Hopefully she deserves it and works hard to earn back your trust.
| 6 | 13.5 | |
1403300551 | 1403311565 | t3_28ocf5 | t5_2to41 | 753 | therealbighairy: TIFU by being just like Hitler.
I'll preface this by saying that I have Jewish heritage on my mother's side. Bear this in mind.
So, I have a visitor coming to stay for a couple of days, and as such, I'm scrubbing my flat down, from one end to the other. Yesterday, it was the turn for the bathtub. I got halfway through scrubbing it out, making it all clean, white and pure, when I ran out of the cleaner I was using, I grabbed another bottle from under my sink, that looked identical, but was a different brand, so that I could continue to scrub.
Unfortunately, the two cleaners had different active ingredients. One had bleach, the other a mixture of vinegar, and ammonia. Together, they make chloramine vapour, and chlorine gas. I didn't notice until I realised I was a bit light headed, tried to stand up, and went sideways instead. My head had been down in this toxic vapour for a while, as I tried to clean off one persistent stain, that just wouldn't shift. If I'd passed out with my head in the tub...That would be all she wrote.
TLDR: Nearly gassed a Jew in my shower. Hitler would be proud.
HopelessSemantic: My ex screwed up his lungs by doing the same thing, and a friend of mine accidentally did the same thing while cleaning her toilet. She used toilet bowl cleaner without realizing that there was still one of those things that releases bleach in her toilet tank. The water wasn't colored or anything, but it was apparently still enough to make chloramine vapor.
therealbighairy: It was the fact that the bottles were near identical. I thought it was another bottle of the same stuff. Thanks to my upbringing, I know how to make this stuff intentionally. Never done it by accident before.
HopelessSemantic: Oh, that's totally understandable. I'm fortunate in a way that I bleach makes my throat bleed, because it means I'll never make such a mistake. Of course, that's the only way I'm fortunate to have that problem, since it's a pretty big pain in the...well, throat.
therealbighairy: That must make shopping for cleaning supplies awkward.
HopelessSemantic: It did, but I know what I can use now. Now it's mostly a problem if I'm in public and they're cleaning, or if I need to go to a laundromat.
therealbighairy: Is it an allergy? I've never heard of this before, and didn't know it was possible. Thinking about it, swimming pools must be murder for you too.
HopelessSemantic: I have no idea if it's an allergy or if I'm just really sensitive to the fumes. I'm also asthmatic, so it can give me asthma attacks, but for some reason it really irritates my throat, nose, and eyes (though fortunately I've never had my eyes actually bleed). Swimming pools aren't AS bad since the concentration isn't as high, but I do feel some of the effects. Actually getting pool water in my mouth or nose does cause the bleeding, and getting it in my eyes basically leaves me blinded by tears for quite some time.
therealbighairy: That sucks. I dread to think how you would have looked had you witnessed my fuck up then. I picture it as akin to the end of raiders of the lost ark...
HopelessSemantic: Yeah, it would've been a bad day. Plus, I'm part Jewish!
therealbighairy: Now we just need a gay person, and a roma to round out the set.
HopelessSemantic: I'm pansexual, does that help?
therealbighairy: He is quite a sexy [god](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pan_\(god\)). But that get's us closer to the quota.
HopelessSemantic: It's the pan flute, drives me wild.
Oh, we can't forget a polish person.
therealbighairy: Good point. Or someone with a diminished mental capacity.
HopelessSemantic: If we could get a half romani/half polish person in a wheelchair, that'd be great.
therealbighairy: And that's a phrase I didn't expect to read when I woke up this morning. A black romani pole with downs and spina bifida. I'm pretty certain there is a sub for people like that. There's a sub for everything.
HopelessSemantic: I feel like looking for volunteers might prove problematic, though.
| 18 | 41.833333 | |
1403305008 | 1403368171 | t3_28oix7 | t5_2to41 | 28 | shalunna: TIFU by being gullible...
YIFU by giving the hot blonde at the bar **my** number and not getting **hers**.
I woke up this morning with a hangover, but also a huge smile because I received a text that said, "Guess who this is ;)" As a bi-curious woman, I was elated when a sexy blonde left her lipstick all over my face, last night... cheek, forehead, lips. The bar was closing, and I offered her my phone number and asked her to text me soon. Our conversation went a little something like this...
Blondie: I can definitely tell you that we've met before
Me: Oh really? I believe I would remember that... (because she was so hot, obviously...)
Blondie: Perhaps a clue?
*She gives me some clues about herself, and I guess that we met for the first time at my favorite coffee shop.*
Blondie: I've only been there once... and you were there too!
Me: I'd love to take you again sometime.
Blondie: What're you doing at 8:00?
*We make plans to meet, and she tells me she has errands to run, and she'll see me then.*
So at this point, I'm brimming with excitement! I'm on Facebook messenger with my best buddy braggin' about my mad skills wit da ladies, but there is just one problem... by the time we had made aquantance, I had already tossed quite a few drinks back, and my long term memory was failing me. I couldn't for the life of me remember this hot girl's name!
My best buddy says, "Play it cool, Schmorky (that's his nickname for me)" And he helps me to think of clever ways I can figure it out... swap ID pics, ask her to add me on FB, ask if she has any nicknames, ect.
So, I calm down consideribly and start to worry about what I'll wear on my date! When I get another text from hottie...
Blondie: Hypothetical question:
Me: Now I'm curious.
*I'm imaging all of the sexy things she would hypothetically ask me to do to her...*
Blondie: If I'm a guy, who knows you really well, and I had an opportunity to prank Schmorky... would you still go to coffee with me at 8:00?
Tl;dr Best friend gets a new phone number the same day I'm expecting a text from a smokin' hot blonde I met the night before, and he takes advantage of the opportunity... wa wa wa.
rajathetiger: so theres totally still a chance that hottie will get back to you.
shalunna: If I've worked as hard on real-life karma as much as I do Reddit karma... the Gods of Hotties will smile upon me.
Frakkus: Often times I've found that if I'm looking for something while remaining patient and relaxed, it eventually comes to me. From experience, it seems to work for smokin' hot bi-curious blond girls too.
| 4 | 7 | |
1403308163 | 1403329259 | t3_28onby | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by somehow convincing (m)y best male friend to have sex with me [NSFW]
so I am a straight male and have a problem with my straight best male friend which sort of took a turn I didn't want it to do.
During the last couple days my best friend and me, who live together, had problems. Problems caused by me showing to much affection, to the point of kissing him and feeling certain urges just because I never experienced such an intense friendship being usually sort of a loner. Problems caused by him lying to me about little stuff all the time and not trusting me without giving him reason not to trust me, and just issues in general.
We talked about everything, and everything seemed to get out of hand with me starting to drink to forget or rather to try to solve everything. But since we live together of course he noticed. So we talked again (like we did repeatedly in the last days) and tried figure sth out. Out of the blue he starts kissing me. Telling me he wants to give himself to me once even though he doesn't really want to, but wants to go through with it anyway. Long story short....we had sex. It was weird and awkward. It felt wrong because I felt forcing him to "want" sth he really doesn't, weird for him because he just wants to get it over with and so on.
Today we started talking about this again. We still "need" each others as friends. And having sex didn't mean anything other than showing how important the other is. No romantical feelings involved. So we start talking about how to fix this. How to fix that my urges won't just disappear especially after having sex with him and how his repulsion won't either. No easy thing to solve since it seems to be a "all or nothing at all" situation. We asked ourselves: "Where could we meet?" Where could we find a sort of an agreement. Our agreement is: Trying it every once in a while and me supressing the urges as long as I could so we could try again then. This ended in us having sex again and him feeling dirty and me feeling rapy.
So somehow...I get the feeling of "raping" him. Because I know that he really doesn't want to although he keeps saying that everything we do is consensual.
What I'm basically saying is. TIFU because I got my best friend, who I adore as the best friend I ever had, to "pretend" consent and really feeling like I just got myself a free ticket to rape town. A place I am ashamed of and didn't want to visit at. all.
Tl;dr: TIFU by somehow convincing my best friend to have sex with me although we both are straight and neither feels good doing it, but crap without it
CockroachClitoris: >so I am a straight male
a9entropy: It's gay only if the balls touch.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1403307816 | 1403314799 | t3_28omve | t5_2to41 | 5 | SmartLady: TIFU by buying a recliner from a rent to own place...
I just couldnt afford a new one and they just give anyone credit but the bottom line is ludacris...but I'm pregnant and extreamly uncomfortable....so it is what it is I guess...
emochicksloveme: Enjoy your $18,000 recliner. Just kidding SmartLady
SmartLady: Hahaha I know its terrible! Not feeling so smart just stupid and comfy...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403306195 | 1403364579 | t3_28okl3 | t5_2to41 | 29 | ForgottenPhenom: TIFU by going to Amsterdam... (strippers, shots, beer, an Irish girl, and a bouncer who was a total asshole, all included)
**Preface:**Okay I just found this subreddit like two days ago and I love it and think its fucking hilarious! So I'm sorry, but this was not recent. My trip to Amsterdam happened exactly a year ago, but I think my story is worth it, and hopefully you guys feel the same! I'm sorry it's so long, but a lot happened! I wanted to give you guys some backstory, or...a lot of backstory!
**Backstory:** I went to Amsterdam last summer with my aunt and uncle. It was very fun, filled with great memories! Museums, the "I Am Amsterdam" sign, the Anne Frank house, the boat we lived on for the time we were there, Belgium, and bike tours, just to say a few. The reason I stop at the bike tours is the same reason I am writing this now, this is where my story begins.
There were two sets of tours we could take, the countryside tour and the city tour. We did both, but this specific event happened when we were riding through the city.
As you all probably know, guess what is in the city of Amsterdam? The Red Light District! Of course, I was looking forward to this situation, being a hormonal guy. TRLD w very popular, and pretty ghetto in some parts, but since it was a big part of Ansterdam, of course we went through the alleys of whores in windows!
We got off our bikes to walk because the alleys were very crowded. This was the last part of our tour, and there was a nice bar nearby that we headed towards after we got done. Because of the location of the bar, and the time, the nearby locations were getting very busy. The tourists and I, and our guide sat down at a table and ordered some drinks.
**Shots, and...hookers?** Me, not drinking much as of yet, was excited and a little bit nervous when I heard we were going to take shots at the same time. When we got done pouring the tequila in the glass, we all counted down, and with a nervous look to my uncle who was laughing, I swallowed the liquid fire down my throat. I thought it was going to feel different than it did. We took more and it was pretty fun! **Fuckup #1** Me, thinking I was all cool, got a big head about the strippers only a courtyard away. I apparently was yelling (I thought I was whispering) that this stripper with huge tits was really hot. I found out this moment that strippers have breaks. She heard me, she understood English, and came over to our table. My aunt and uncle didn't know what to do when this whore sat on my lap. I just remember laughing hysterically. This is where the **fuck up** happened, in a big way! She literally had two strips of clothing, and you know where. I guess Im a horny drunk and started touching her boobs momentarily. Apparently I shouldn't of done that..some sketchy guys came up to our table after seeing the recent events and threatened me and punched me. This was the fuck up that wasn't so funny.
**Heineken Factory:** Amsterdam has this huge factory that is a brewery for the beer, Heineken! This was what my aunt and uncle and me toured the third day of being here. There were a lot of cool things in here! I will not go through all of them because I do not want to make this post too long (it already is too long!!) Anyway, long story short, I lost my family in the tour somewhere and become apart of a different group. I lost them because while they were still looking at the history section, I went into this brewery simulator that I didn't know only had one exit, which wasn't the same door you got in by.
When you get out of the simulation, you enter this white room with the lone red star hanging in the middle of the room, under it, was a man who was serving Heineken to everyone. From the bad first experience (and good one, got to second base with a whore!! *yeeaaaahhh*) I was hesitant on drinking the beer when the countdown started. **Fuckup #2** instead of the drinking all of the beer, I accidentally dropped it. On the floor. It made a very loud noise. Everyone was staring at me and some laughed. I quickly just left the room trying not to get red (I'm sure I already was.)
**The Asshole Bouncer:** In Amsterdam, I am pretty sure everything is legal. Including live sex shows! One night, my aunt and uncle were walking down the streets (the world cup was actually on, and Netherlands just got finished playing) and we crossed the corner with in big neon letter read, **LIVE SEX SHOW** and a bouncer in front of it. Bouncer, I guess is what I would call him, he looked big enough to be guarding it. **Fuckup #3** But he was also yelling things like, "See a big dick for once ladies!!" and when I heard him, I replied, for no fucking reason at all, "I bet you have a two incher!!"
He got pissed and came up to my aunt and uncle and I and yelled at us.
We just left him while he kept yelling "I have a huge dick!" and "fuck you Americans!" yeah he was a total asshole but I provoked him!
**Irish Girls >** after the trip was finally over, we flew from Amsterdam to Dublin and back the states. In Ireland, there was a pretty girl waiting at the airport for a connecting flight. My aunt and uncle were both teasing me "Go get her!" "ooh ForgottenPhenom, she is so cute!" **Fuckup #4** I can't believe this! My aunt and uncle were my wingmen! I sat next to girl and tried to strike up a conversation. Andddd right when I opened my mouth and I forgot to swallow and drooled on her jeans...right in her eyesight. I continued to say "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-" her laugh cut me off and she said it was fine. After I drooled on her, we talked and laughed before she had to leave, exchanged emails and stuff. And that's how I meant a friend that lives in Ireland that I still keep in touch with now.
Thank you guys for reading my stories! I hope you enjoyed them and I hope they did not bore you that much. If I wanted you guys to remember something from all these stories, it is this: never touch strippers boobs without paying any money. Have a great one redditors!
Finniemc: I'm sorry ... you did Amsterdam and one of the things you visited was Belgium?
ForgottenPhenom: We took a train to Brussels, yes.
Finniemc: Ok. It was just weird that you talked about the attractions in Amsterdam and mentioned Belgium.
ForgottenPhenom: It's all good. That's the second thing I kind of fucked up in this post
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1403310285 | 1403314162 | t3_28oq1s | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by having holding my daughter
I laugh at dudes getting hit in the balls. Real life, America's Funniest Home Videos, YouTube...hell, even myself. Most of the time, it's really funny. Sure, it hurts...a lot sometimes, but I can always laugh at it.
My daughter is 21 months old. She sees me at the computer and wants to take part. I was playing some stupid game on Facebook when she came over and started hitting the button to make it play. We hit a bonus game and she got excited and started being all spazzy.
After she nearly fell off of my leg, I picked her up to put her on the floor and she started thrashing about, kicking her legs. Before I knew it, she stomped straight down, right onto my precious, done-nothing-to-no one balls. I nearly threw up on the spot.
Of course, I cursed and told her it really hurt...well, more raised my voice at her. You know how parents say that they will never curse at their little kids? I broke that rule. She cried.
It's been an hour and it occasionally feels like someone is prodding me sharply in the side...in fact, my whole left side feels like I got my ass kicked. I kind of did...by a 21 month old.
TL;DR - My daughter curbstomped the holy shit out of my nuts. It still hurts.
StinzorgaKingOfBees: I'll just leave [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BY7qOwaZEqw) here.
kcwm: That was funny...and fitting.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1403312211 | 1403313347 | t3_28osla | t5_2to41 | 5 | noahplow: tifu. By farting in my foremans mouth.
cuntflapper1: goddamn dude...are you dyslexic?
noahplow: Yes I am lol Been so my whole life.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403299594 | 1403329781 | t3_28oaw4 | t5_2to41 | 32 | Zippy0223: TIFU by listing one of my qualities on a job application as sensing when people will die.
It took me a good day to fill out an application for a job that really excites me. After proofing it, and having having it proofed 100 times by two different people, I clicked submit. As a sigh of relief escaped me, I went back to admire my work, only to find that instead of writing that I had a good sense of morality, spell check switched it to "good sense of Mortality".
**TL;DR: Based on my job application, watching "The Sixth Sense" would be very boring,**
Jobsite: Why would you put that on a resume?
Schen5s: He's part of the final destination crew
Jobsite: No, I mean intentionally putting "good sense of morality". There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
Excorcistllamas: Possible you're reading too much into this?
Zippy0223: Haha, I'd say so! It's for a public watch position on my campus. Something for a little extra cash, and a position where that expressed trait is usually sought after.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1403315206 | 1403328324 | t3_28owbe | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my girlfriend an anniversary present
first time poster here; ignore formatting errors and typos enjoy :)
been dating this girl (call her "GF") for 2 years, she is a serious relationship girlfriend.
GF is not fat, but not super skinny. I think she is average weight for her height and gender, but for some reason she is constantly the victim of a rude individual's comment about being overweight. I never bring this up; the problem is usually, for example,: a drunk guy at a restaurant or something like that. I really do not get it, she's not fat. Believe me.
so our 3 year anniversary is coming up soon. Although I prefer to be more original, every girl loves diamonds (or at least all guys think they do). I go to our local jewelry store, and being a first time shopper, naturally need a lot of help. After finally picking out something good, I place the order.
I was intrigued by this particular jewelry store because they offer to deliver the present when you want, as to avoid your "special someone" finding out early. I thought that was convenient, so I paid a little extra for that. As well, they offered a "deceptive wrapping" option for a small premium, and I chose that. Figured that would confuse the GF until she opened it. It all seemed to be going as planned, until we get to the anniversary dinner.
She is ordering dessert, and the waiter decides to tell her how many calories are in her desired dessert option without telling her. (I later called the restaurant, that is NOT their policy, nor is it encouraged). He did not do this for any other table or myself (I could hear pretty well). By doing this my GF and I felt like he was suggesting she was watching her weight. Unbelievable to me. My girlfriend didn't let the comment bother her, and we proceeded.
We get home, and I hand her the present, which is shaped like a triangular pyramid. The box is really big, but I just thought it was very deceptive wrapping. What came next was the worst:
GF opens it, and I realize that inside the box is not jewelry, but a $%#&*#$ LAPBAND! I don't know what to say, and try to explain the mix-up with her, but she storms off, moves out the next day. Never heard from her again.
I immediately call the store, explain, and they transfer me to the third party that handles wrapping and delivery. They come up with some excuse about a mix up in delivery.
Worst day of my life
Fundevils: I think your ex was fat bro.
sdm_112358: I figured people would say that. But she wasn't
TrollingJerk: How much did she weigh and what was her height?
sdm_112358: 5 - 5
102 lbs
TrollingJerk: I don't buy that... with those states she would be crazy skinny. It appears that normal weight for a female that height is 114 to 144 lbs.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1403319083 | 1403400355 | t3_28p1by | t5_2to41 | 23 | sonictheplumber: TIFU by making a sarcastic remark that got my coworker badly beaten
I work at Long John Silvers with these two guys who are a bit weird. One of them is a young Hispanic, 19 or 20, and the other is a white guy in his early 30s. As silly as it sounds, there's a bit of a rivalry between these two. They actually compete to see who can, um, work the best. Sometimes they will see who can make a meal the quickest and then fight about it when one of them wins. It wastes food, it's dumb as fuck, and you'd be surprised how often I have to tell these guys to quit doing this shit. It doesn't even make sense. These guys don't really get along, the younger one's a bit of a wise-ass and the older one is pretty easily offended. So anyway, today I'm standing around waiting for something to do when the older guy comes up to me and asks me, dead serious, "Has -young dude's name- been talking shit about me?" and I give him a glare and sarcastically say "Yeah, totally," just to get him to go away and go do something else. I didn't wanna hear the shit to be honest. Like I said, there's always drama with these two. So anyway he walks off without a word and next thing I know, I hear the sound of the younger Hispanic guy crying out in pain. Luckily nobody was eating in the restaurant, because it scared the hell out of everyone. I ran into the kitchen and saw the Hispanic kid getting the shit beaten out of him by the older guy. No one was doing shit to stop it but then the manager came running and put an end to the madness. The older dude ended up getting arrested and fired, and the younger guy went to the fucking hospital. I'll be glad to not deal with their shit anymore, but I feel bad for getting the younger one's teeth knocked out.
tonychapin: How is that sarcasm you dummy?
jreilly89: Depends on how you say it.
Yeah, totally, is different from yeahhhhhh, toooootally.
Text can't really explain how he said it, but its all about the pronunciation.
sonictheplumber: Tone. I said it was sarcastic so I expected folks to read it as such.
jreilly89: Right. Thank you. Wrote that last night and could not for the life of me think of the word tone.
sonictheplumber: :)
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1403332620 | 1403396185 | t3_28p4g0 | t5_2to41 | -3 | Aritstol: Awesome op, that will show those petty sluts. You put yourself out there and dominated.
bananahead: That's a shitty way to approach dating.
Aritstol: Or an awesome way?
bananahead: A childish and ultimately self-defeating way
Aritstol: You make me sad.
| 5 | -0.6 | |
1403322106 | 1403376866 | t3_28p4tz | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking milk
Months ago I decided to try the GOMAD (gallon of milk a day) diet. During that time by stomach stretched a lot, allowing me to drink that amount with relative ease. Fast forward 8 months to today, and a friend mentions that I can drink an entire gallon of milk. Poor, naive me says yes, yes I can drink an entire gallon of milk. A crowd forms, and I sit there wondering why. A gallon of milk is brought over, and I'm challenged to drink it all. *In one sitting.* Being the over confident person I am, I accept, and everyone stops to watch. I grab the gallon, and start going to town on it. Not even a minute has passed and I'm 4 pounds of milk down, when the pain starts to hit me. I ignored the pain and kept going. 6 pounds in and I start cramping up, realizing I can't finish an entire gallon anymore, especially not in the 3 minutes that passed. I keep going anyway, telling myself that I've already had 6 pounds, another 2 pounds wouldn't kill me. Each sip is physically painful, and my body is starting to reject the milk. My mind blanks, and I let out a shout and chug the rest of the gallon. I throw the carton to the floor, and everyone is just sitting there in awe. The milk had blended with my saliva and a white goo was dripping from my mouth, as if it were some form of milk rabies. This was all within 10 minutes, and my body was not happy. Not happy at all. I spent the next hour in the bathroom waiting to either throw up the milk, or for the pain to subside. In a pain I haven't felt in years, my body gave up. It was a mixture of shitting and throwing up, until I collapsed on the floor in defeat. Nobody knew about any of what happened afterwards, and still think I stomached an entire gallon.
TL;DR I tried to feed my bottomless stomach beast 8 pounds of cow juice and the beast rejected my offering.
tmillion: Other than that diet being expensive as hell, what benefits do you get from drinking a gallon of milk per day?
HuntertheMaster: I didn't get enough protein from how I ate, so I was told to drink milk to add protein to my diet. With all the working out I did, I had to drink a gallon to retain all of the nutrients from the milk.
Schen5s: How well did gomad go? I have trouble bulking up and I fairly like milk, so I'm quite interested in how well this bulking method works
pineapple2010: This just seems like a bad idea, go get some protein shakes. Eat eggs, some nuts (walnuts, almonds, ect.). Too much milk just seems unhealthy..
Schen5s: Yea, that's why I was wondering how well this method actually works. Because I remember some study done awhile back ago saying you actually have higher risk for osteoporosis if you drink too much milk. Something to do with the milk being added with chemicals and estrogen, etc
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1403323906 | 1403397203 | t3_28p6v9 | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by mom cleaning my room
With only two weeks away from finally moving out, I've been pushing off my laundry to focus on renovating the new apartment. I came home to find that my sweet mother decided to lend a hand by helping with washing my winter laundry (for storage). How lucky am I that she finds my pink rabbit vibrator functional with 360 rotation, intense vibration and realistic grooves. I am mortified; in my family and culture sex is incredibly taboo.
I know it's not her fault and she must be as mortified as I am. I don't even know what to say if she brings it up. I'm F/21, responsible and live a very social life (much different from many young women from my culture). I am thinking about pleading guilty. Would it be safe to assume she isn't surprised at all to keep this unspoken to save face? Should I approach her about it first? What should I say? I'm my parents' sweet baby girl, how do I maintain that image after this disaster?! Please help!!
justtmaxx: Forget about it, it never happened from this point on
Charcoal456: Wait what happened :p
justtmaxx: Exactly, learn from this guy
fuckass_dickhair: what guy
| 5 | 5 | |
1403323992 | 1403334576 | t3_28p6ys | t5_2to41 | 29 | SmokeWeedEveryMinute: TIFU by mixing drugs, alcohol, and sex
To start off you need to understand how wasted i was,
i smoked about half a gram from my bong and drunk 1/4 litre of vodka on a 24 hour empty stomach .
also when i was sober i needed to piss but it was so cold outside it was never going to happen and i soon forgot about it.
anyway so the fun started happening and i ending up fucking her the hardest i could and continued after i came, and without realizing I pissed. over flowing the condom and had the pleasure finding piss+sperm everywhere the next day.
TL;DR: pot+vodka+sex = wasted enough to piss while fucking.
stownerd: Fucking amateur
hoarybeach: Fuckin casual*
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1403324001 | 1403325313 | t3_28p6z6 | t5_2to41 | 81 | Keplz: TIFU by trying to pull a lollipop off the stick
This literally just happened to me, and I feel like the stupidest person in the world, and thought, "Damn, I just fucked up" and what was the next logical step? I post here in TIFU... Anyway...
I was eating a dum dum lollipop, and anyone who has had a dum dum before may know that it's really easy to pull the dum dum off the stick and just have the little orb of sugar without the stick. I put the dum dum in my mouth and try to pull it off with my teeth, then instead of the whole ball coming off, the ball fractures, and since I'm pulling so hard, the stick gets pulled out of my mouth really hard, with a sharp shard of lollipop still stuck to it. It kind of stung a little bit, then I go look in the mirror and see that I have a bloody inch-long cut on my face. It's going to be so weird trying to explain how I got this big cut on my face.
TL;DR I became the first person to cut my face with a lollipop
edit: updated TL;DR to say first person to cut my face instead of cut myself
justtmaxx: You dum dum
Thatmadrabbit: Dum dum want gum gum
justtmaxx: Lol i forgot about that
| 4 | 20.25 | |
1403326082 | 1403365986 | t3_28p9bp | t5_2to41 | 29 | flavoredonionrings: (TIFU) telling my black friend to go and pick cotton
So we were doing some improv in acting class, and it was my turn to go up with my black friend. He was being all confrontational in the improv.(which is what you're suppose to do) and off the top off my head I respond with "why don't you go away and go pick some cotton". The room went quiet and I immediatly realized that I fucked up. After a few seconds of awkward silence my black friend just looked at me and walked off. Nobody talked to me for the rest of the class, even my teacher got pissed at me.
In my defence we were learning in depth about the slave trade and cotton picking and all that in my history class, and I was just something that popped in my head, im not normally a racist person.
Qqboxing: looks like you won the confrontation to me
Sloanestarr: Dominance asserted.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1403324498 | 1403361408 | t3_28p7jf | t5_2to41 | 9 | elliottman: TIFU by itching my sack in class!
this happened when i was in high school so One day in class I was sitting at my desk doing nothing as usual, when I got a sudden itch on my sack So I put my hands down my pants and start scratching it for only a few seconds and i was pretty sure no one saw me WRONG !!!!!!! The next day I go to class and my teacher (who is a female) kneels down next to my desk and whispers that one of my classmates saw me fondle myself yesterday and if i masturbate in class again I will have to kick you out of class. my face got blood red and i really wanted to stab myself with my pencil .So I put my head down in shame everyday for the rest of the year.
cheesellama_thedevil: Yeah, you surely did fuck up. You could've told her, "I wasn't masturbating, my balls were itching so I scratched them for 3 seconds then stopped. That's not masturbating, and why the hell would anyone masturbate in class?"
That's what I would've done. Unless if your teacher is a super-sensitive strict bitch, you'll be fine if you had said that. But it's too late now, I suppose. (I personally would've said it even if she was a super-sensitive strict bitch. It's worth getting in trouble to stand up for my rights. And I'd bring the case to any male that's high-ranking in your school, such as the principal, vice principal, any male teachers with more experience than her, etc.)
elliottman: She was a huge bitch especially with guys
| 3 | 3 | |
1403325429 | 1403365585 | t3_28p8le | t5_2to41 | 96 | FilthyNipple: TIFU by smearing Germ-X on my friends acne covered face.
This could very well be one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life. I mean it.
Every year my friends and I volunteer as camp counselors at a local youth camp. Needless to say we deal with some germy little shits. After slapping a countless number of hands it is essential to let yourself marinate in some good ole Germ-x.
This is where it goes south... I decided I was going to be all playful and flirty and wipe this girl's face down with some Germ-x. Bad decision. A girl's face can be very deceiving with make up on my friends. I knew when I saw the look on her face after I caked some Germ-x on what I thought was her healthy skin I fucked up. It turns out under all that make up there was a "flood" infestation on her face. I swear you would think that I just unleashed the Devil from the fiery depths of Hades.
I was never able to formerly apologize to her today. Guess I'll have to see what is in store for tomorrow.
donaldtrumpwinning: unless its a romantic situation you probably should never touch anyones fuckin face for any reason m8, but u know that now
FilthyNipple: Needless to say I won't be touching another females face for a long time. Unless I have a damn good reason to.
Cloudwolf12341: next time you're trying to be playful with a friend just wipe your genitals against their face instead.
FilthyNipple: So today I should just drag my balls across her face? Sounds glorious.
Cloudwolf12341: I'd lead with the balls and then if she seems ok with it go in with the penis, if you're lucky you might get a blowjob out of it. If she resists skullfuck her.
| 6 | 16 | |
1403326702 | 1403505257 | t3_28pa0s | t5_2to41 | 1 | ChubakTheGreat: TIFU by taking too much Ambiens in 7 AM and ruined my life
This obviously happened yesterday because I just now gained back the control of my brain.
My memory is hazy, but I remember the gist of the things I did.
At 5AM I took two Ambiens. It got me fucked up enough that, after seeing a female classmates of mine (which I don't even like that much) online on Facebook, I asked her out. This is what Ambien does to your brain, it makes you do things without thinking. Obviously she said no. I blocked her on Facebook and blocked her friend too, and called them "giant whores" and tagged all my classmates. You'd thought two Ambiens would put me to sleep but no.
At 7 AM I took an exta 15 Ambiens. I kept refresh every other hour or so. I think I had taken 30 by the end of the day.
I started calling everyone in my phonebook. Most of them didn't pick up. However, the ones who picked up were in for a confusing rant. I don't remember what I said. I remember I called my great uncle who's a doctor and asked him if he can prescribe me some Ultram.
When I reached 25 Ambiens I dressed up as Lil Wayne and hit the streets. It was a very bad impression of how Lil Wayne dresses. Nevertheless, I got kicked out of a few places.
I woke up an hour ago. I quickly blocked all my classmates on Facebook, deleted their phone number from my contact list, and decided to take a leave from college for a year so I wouldn't be in the same class as them again.
**TL;DR** Took too much Ambien, warped through space and time.
FlatlinerG: You..you took 30 Ambient? I'm not even mad, that's impressive.
ChubakTheGreat: I've taken 10 Ultrams before. Sleeping pills from the 50s will kill you if taken excessively, but modern sleeping pills are safe, unless you take some 300 of them.
Billeted_wardz: Are you bragging? Ultram (tramadol) is a horrible drug to abuse. Not only will they make you restless due to stimulant properties caused by the medication being a SNRI. Due to the fact tramadol effects the serotonin receptors it's very risky to take more than 300mg at once. Over dose isn't as much of a worry as grand mal seizures are. You can also get serotonin syndrome from the dose you took. Grand mal seizures aren't a joke and I am not exaggerating that each mg over 300 mgs is a serious increased risk of having grand mal episode. It is not treated as a narcotic medication although it is in the family of opioids. It's different due to serotonergic properties and norepinephrine reuptake. It's a very weak mu opioid agonist. This is one of the last drugs you want to abuse. Unless you want a potentially life threatening seizure episode, refrain from taking more than 300 mg. Just because you didn't have a grand mal doesn't mean you won't next time. In fact, you're probably more susceptible now.
ChubakTheGreat: Are you kidding me? I've taken four 100mg tablets like twenty times. And the only reason I take four is that I need to conserve my stash.
One thing I've learned, is that most side effects people cite for drugs are basically shit. They say opium does shitloads of stuff to you, but the real issue most opium and opium-derived drugs users face is constipation.
devals: He's right. My brother abused ultram for years and only started having terrifying gran mal seizures towards the end (which is what finally made it "the end").
HIGHLY, highly addictive, he's been struggling with psychological withdrawal for close to 6 months now, put us all through hell, and gave those of us who were with him at the times of his seizures light PTSD. He's lucky to be alive- there was a mysterious car accidnet around this time that he claims wasn't caused by a seizure, but if you're alone, it's possible you won't even remember. Every time he came out of it, he swore nothing had happened (even as he came to surrounded by paramedics).
Scary shit man. Not worth it.
ChubakTheGreat: But I'm in psychological pain. I need something to calm me down. What should I take instead?
Billeted_wardz: Yeah this posters brother most likely suffered a grand mal when they crashed, hence lack of memory. It's not uncommon. To the poster above, I'm glad your brother is safe.
As for your psychological pain, treating with opioids whether they are weak partial agonist or full agonists they are not the best choice of medication for "psychological pain." They may be a temporary fix, but they will leave you in a worse spot then when you started. What country do you live in? A doctor will be a good place to start. If you need to be calmed down something on the lines of a benzodiazepine for a SHORT period of time. All the medications that will relieve you of this anxiety and "psychological pain" will cause you to be dependent. Benzodiazepines such as alprazolam (Xanax), diazepam (Valium), lorezapam (Ativan), clonazepam (kolonopin), and so forth work wonders for anxiety, panic attacks, and an overall calming agent. The thing is they should never be prescribed long term. Due to the fact they are doubled as anti-convulsants and bind to GABA receptors they will cause seizures if discontinued too quickly. The risk of seizures during withdrawals can last for weeks/months depending on use and which benzodiazepine (whale lied of such). Consecutive use of benzodiazepines will cause dependency and subsequent withdrawals when discontinued. Another factor is rebound anxiety. When taking benzodiazepines long term rebound anxiety happens which in laymen terms is worse anxiety then before. Due to this class of medications being so effective at curbing anxiety and stopping panic attacks directly in its track when you stop taking them your anxiety will spike. Often this causes severe anxiety and/or panic attacks. I only can recommend them if you can be responsible while using them and obviously on doctors orders not self medicating. If your self medicating it's easy to become dependent and subsequently withdrawing when you can't find more. Withdrawals need to be done in a medical setting and at the very least under medical advise.
If your physically in pain or neuropathic pain something such as gabapentin may be something to discuss with the doctor. Gabapentin also works on GABAa which is the receptor benzodiazepines work on. It treats multiple conditions and offers decent pain relief with limited side effects. It's technically in the same family as tramadol without many of the side effects. Off label prescribing can be for insomnia (which you apparently have ambien for), bipolar, restless legs, general pain, migraines or complex regional pain syndrome. Not everyone experiences withdrawals when discontinuing gabapentin, but they can happen. It's very dependent on how long,often and how much you take. Basically, it comes down to risk/reward ratio. Dependent on how bad your symptoms are will correlate to what kind of medication to be on. Please see a reputable doctor. I want to add benzodiazepines are easy to abuse and easy to fall into a bad habit (remember withdrawals can be deadly if not done under medical advice). They can cause people to black out quite easily and forget everything done the day before. This is "over dosing" the medication. When people abuse it (sometimes not on purpose) they may eat way more pills then they should have. Due to the memory loss some people wake up to empty or seriously diminished bottles of medication. Luckily, there is a wide dosage range and quite hard to fatally overdose as long as you don't mix it with other intoxicating substances. Never mix benzodiazepines with opioids as it's a fast way to die. Many fatal overdoses are caused by the combination.
The main thing to consider is if you have a habit of abusing medications benzodiazepines may not be the best choice and they are mostly a short term option. They may be a good idea if you want a medication so you can get relief for a short time period, in order to straighten out your head, but with plans to cease medication. The discussion on what will help can go on for ever and I'm not a doctor so please see a medical professional before ingestion anything. There are risks/rewards you should be informed about in entirety before starting any of these (or other) medications. Sorry your experiencing psychological pain. If you are in the US or a number of other countries I recommend ketamine infusion therapy. They basically offer it for anything from pain, anxiety, fear, stress, depression, bi polar, PTSD etc. so long as your doctor orders the therapy. There are a few centers that offer such treatment. I have read very promising things about it stopping all sorts of ailments that traditional medications don't curb. I have also heard first hand experiences that were quite amazing,
Good luck and most of all be safe.
ChubakTheGreat: Thanks for your help man. I have bipolarity, and my psychiatrist has prescribed me Clonazpam. I take it twice a day. I've become kinda resistant to Valium and Alprazolam, that's is why I have to take so much Ambien.
My father had the same problem. He was addicted to Ritalin and since he couldn't get any dose from digestion, he injected it to his veins, when he died he basically had no veins left.
| 9 | 0.111111 | |
1403329840 | 1403331228 | t3_28pd2d | t5_2to41 | 16 | abcdefghijklmnopp: TIFU by having a divorce party.
I thought I was so mature. This was three weeks ago. I'm still alive.
My last night in this state with my wife. Our divorce was finalized. I thinks to us both that well we will drink some wine and watch a movie. It will be just like every other night. We are so modern and mature.
It was going we'll...
We drank a bottle of wine. Not one of the little bottles it was one of the larger bottles of charrdonney..Just not an abnormal night.
We were watching "Short term 12. It is a good movie. It is real. Nice movie. So we finished the movie. And your asshole writer thinks, "well I'm not drunk enough and this party isn't over." The bottle of wine was gone and I drove to the gas station and bought a pint of Jegermesiter.
I came home and poured us both a shot. She didn't want one then. Good. I poured two and drank two. I drank them. I drank more. She finally drank two. The trouble starts.
We talked and I was crying. She was crying. We both were obviously crying. She got mad.
She got so mad. She threw her wine glass. It broke and she threw my wine glass. It broke too. She threw the green bottle of Jeger. It exploded.
She was mad. We were crying and she was mad. I think she made a bad decision. I think that I also hope she was still here. I hope she made a bad decision too. She started knocking over furniture.
The real point of this story was her taking our coffee table. It is heavy and opens up. It was filled with shit. She yelled. "ahhhhhh" and threw it. Thinks were breaking. I said "I will call the police" she said fine. I didn't want to.
She shattered everything. I called my boss. My boss is close with both of us. We moved here and she is our family. My ex. Yes my ex. was angry. She threw over our book shelves. she broke all the glass. I was sad. She was angry.
the next day I said, "you didn't need to break everything."
She said,"apparently i did."
ama I am sad.
CounterClockWyse: Wow, that escalated quickly. Didn't you try to stop her?
abcdefghijklmnopp: well. I did. I didn't want her to get in trouble.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1403327716 | 1403359618 | t3_28pb1y | t5_2to41 | 21 | MikeOxbigg: TIFU by accidentally taking a drunk piss on my dog.
So I haven't had a drink in a few days (a big accomplishment for me) since I'm working on getting into prime shape for my Army contract (18X, if anyone is wondering).
I drank 12-pack of high-octane beer and had myself a small emergency, so I ran outside. I unzip and start flowing. About halfway through my drunken pee, something in the immediate path of my stream gets up and starts stretching. I thought it was a raccoon at first, so I reel it back in, and right as I'm going inside to snag a gun, I hear the unmistakable yawn of my six month old puppy.
I click on the porch light, and there she is, looking like it had just poured rain outside. What I thought was a raccoon was actually my little dog, who was too tired to realize she was not sleeping under rain but a shower of beer piss. I feel like an asshole, but I also laughed so that adds a 2x multiplier to the whole situation. So I guess, tonight I fucked up.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Ha! 18X... You'll be told you need combat experience and they'll slot you as infantry. Every single time that's how it goes. I saw so many FNGs think hell yeah that's what my contract says. Good luck passing it, it'll look great when you get to your station as an 11B. That "contract" is about as good as a verbal agreement. You're at their mercy now.
MikeOxbigg: Honestly I'm not planning on going to Ranger school until after I get some experience anyway. No point taking a combat leadership course that soon. I just wanna go to airborne school and it was quicker to get 18X than an infantry with airborne option.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: We'll you don't have a choice now, you're contract says 18X that's means you'll go to Infantry basic training, airborne, Ranger, and SF Qualification. They offer you those options in basic as additions for all soldiers since there's usually plenty of open slots. MOS background plays a big role. The Bomb Squad guys are choice. They usually always pick those up because they're so few. Infantry are a dime a dozen. Fisters get picked up pretty easy too. Your recruiter is like one of those I hear about that just blew hot air apparently. Mine had the decency to tell me it like it was, but I was an easy pick up since I've got family history and knowledge. Any way, good luck. You'll need it for when they break your bones for SPUDs training. God that sucked.
MikeOxbigg: I'm not working too closely with my recruiter, honestly. I don't mind going to selection or anything but I was already banking on getting slotted into infantry which is what I want. I'm mainly using the recruiter to file paperwork and using my uncle who is a LtCol as a consult. I haven't signed anything yet because I'm still on the fence between infantry and cavalry.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: From my experience infantry tends to be safer and more action. Cav tend to get blown up a lot. 1st Division Cav had almost a loss amount that nearly got them recalled back home simply due to to many dying. Our infantry went out and we had 3 guys hurt, no deaths. Tankers used as infantry had 1 guy hurt, no deaths. While that will vary from unit to unit and your experience will be unique to you, that was what I saw as a Fister that worked with all 3, thank god no deployment with the Cav guys though.
MikeOxbigg: I've had a few buddies who were cav scouts who loved out but it seems to be kind of a niche job. I just want to have a good time and every guy in my family has started in the infantry and loved it.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: I was a fister. You really get a good total scope as one because you are artillery attached to any number of combat MOS's. I worked with Cav, infantry, tanker, Air Force controllers, SF, other artillery assests, medics, intel, communications, basically anyone on the front. It was a very fun job for the most part. Infantry can be a little over masculin, tankers are typically chill, Cav are usually rejects from failing their initial MOS training, Air Force controllers are usually chill as hell, SF are a big mix, artillery other than yourself are usually brutish and over masculine, medics/intel/commo are typically super nice people.
MikeOxbigg: I looked at fire support it seems like a fun job. And you guys do get to go all over too. Did you ever go to airborne school? That's my only real concern is getting sprained ankles during jump school but I'm pretty excited at the same time.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Nope, I got married n had kids. I didn't like the idea of that danger plus a family so I hoped out to get some schooling and take care of my wife who was suffering from post pardum. I know plenty of people that go and nothing happens though. I've heard it's pretty easy as long as your strong enough. One thing they do is miscount you on your pt, so be ready to do above n beyond the amount required. I'm on my way back in after school. I really so love the life. Just as a more chill MOS that spends more time off the front like Intel or something like that, that won't get hit with the in-lou of deal.
MikeOxbigg: Right on. I hear its harder to re enlist nowadays but it's probably easier after school. Most guys in my family do that, or just stay enlisted. My uncle is an E-9 in the corps at 23 years trying to make 30 but it's hard to do nowadays.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Yep, gotta do school on top of it all. It ain't easy but it cuts down on scum bags because you really have to want to stay in to do so. No more getting smoked either, it's all paper work now so it's hard to stay in that way to. Before you just had to do work outs all day if you messed up, now it's you screw up 4 times and your gone. It's rougher because at least before you were strong as hell, now you just get booted. Don't worry to much, we arn't done in Iraq, with what's happening we'll be back. Obama says we won't but we are gonna be forced to if ISIL keeps up their current run.
MikeOxbigg: Oh I'm counting on it. especially now that ISIS seized a 'non-existent' chemical weapons cache.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: I've heard it called ISIS(archer lol) and ISIL. Be respectful to your Iraqi terps. They are the best of Iraq and deserve respect. They have lived in hell all their lives yet have, mostly in secret, learned English and want to see their country rise through education and unity. Never succumb to racism. Many do but if you don't they become part of your professional network and will have your back when hell descends upon you.
| 14 | 1.5 | |
1403331282 | 1403383295 | t3_28peed | t5_2to41 | 197 | GlitterandKitties: TIFU by letting my boyfriend fix my computer.
I should say this up front, my boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch. Constantly fighting because he is waaay too close with this other girl. (she sends him nudes. She tells him she loves him. she begs for him. and he doesnt say no.) So yeah, I'm pretty pissed. And after a really long bitter fight a few days ago, I vented to my best friend who helped me get over it with some not-so kind internet memes.
So fast forward to half an hour ago and he's fixing my computer because i have a million popups and im an idiot and my computer hates me. He sees a file on my desktop titled his name.jpeg . Naturally, he clicks on it before i can do anything, the color draining from my face as i realize that it's the really horrible mean one my friend sent me, which was hilarious at the time but now that we've made up really isnt.
It was the batman slapping Robin meme, and he was robin, and the speech bubble was like "She isn't even hot naked. Not like yo--" and then batman was like "I bet you masturbated to it. We havent even had sex in 3 weeks."
(on one hand, yeah, that was what i was thinking. on the other hand, i really didnt want HIM to know that. ever. im supposed to be the totally cool, unsuspecting girlfriend.)
He left. Straight up, shut the computer, got silent, left. He won't text me back for me to explain it, either.
TL; DR: Boyfriend found an offensive meme on my computer of him, wont talk to me now.
jreilly89: If shes sending him nudes, theres more to it. You're better off without him.
IMCOOLISWEAR: You *never* know. I was dating a girl for a long time and a co-worker sent me nudes once. We worked in a bar and so there was always a lot a playful banter/flirting and she jumped it up a lot of levels with unsolicited breasts.
I'm not complaining but I got into a LOT of shit for that. And I had never cheated, never wanted to cheat, AND the girl who sent them was super embarrassed/sorry both to me and my then GF.
sometimes people get hit on. OPs BF should put a stop to this behavior but it doesn't mean that he is cheating.
that said...this sounds like an unhealthy relationship.
jreilly89: I wouldn't say never. My point is he wasn't stopping the behavior, and got immediately defensive over some memes, thats what seems shady.
Thelarm: >immediately gets defensive over memes shared to someone else about a private matter (Between you and a SO, talking about sex life, and, other personal things to do with you).
I'm sorry, but, I'd also get defensive with that.
jreilly89: I know, i just find his behavior odd. The fact that he never tried to stop the other woman from sending him nudes, implying its not a big deal, but then he gets defensive that shes talking about it with a friend? Idk, it all seems odd
Thelarm: There is literally zero way any either of us can form a valid opinion on this based off one half of a story, so don't you even dare claim that you have. Personally? All for the guy, the girl is probably someone in a completely different location (I.E. cross the globe, that's the amazing thing about the interwebs) and he's receiving nudes. If he's spending all his day talking to this girl instead of the time he would usually spend with his girlfriend, sure, there's probably an issue, but, without more information, I can't conclude to either side. If I was absolutely forced to, I'd probably side with the dude as I highly doubt he is utilizing all his time to talk to some chick on the internet who sends him nudes every once and while instead of his girlfriend (Although, now he's discovered that she talks about his personal life behind his back, I honestly wouldn't blame him for doing just that).
jreilly89: Alright, 'dude', what the hell? I gave my opinion. Why are freaking the fuck out? 1) i really could care less. I gave my opinion, and i think the guys fishy. I really dont give a flying rats ass if she forgives him or breaks up with him, whatever. 2) i don't even know these people, and i'm assuming you don't either, so don't YOU start telling me off for giving my opinion. Its the internet, its all about opinions. Give it a fucking rest.
Thelarm: 0\. I'm not freaking out
1\. Sure.
2\. I clearly stated my opinion was "I can't give an opinion", followed by *if I was forced to give an actual opinion based on my lack of information*.
3\. You seem extremely angry, feel free to calm down.
jreilly89: >There is literally zero way any either of us can form a valid opinion on this based off one half of a story, so don't you even dare claim that you have.
Pretty sure you're freaking out and overreacting, so there's that. Also, without more information? Dude, this Reddit, and it's a TIFU post, not a homicide investigation. You gonna go track down the BF and find out what really happened, Sherlock?
Welp, have fun, neckbeard. I'm gonna go watch The Other Guys.
| 10 | 19.7 | |
1403333022 | 1403368104 | t3_28pfyd | t5_2to41 | 29 | DigitalReaper: TIFU by asking my crush to dance
Now’s it’s time for a little backstory. During our prom, I’d asked a girl that I had a crush on to go dance with me. Let’s call her V. Naturally, I was rejected. We didn’t know each other that well, I’ve only had a small amount of conversations with her before. She definitely wasn’t the prettiest girl out there, but there’s just something about her that I find extremely attractive. Despite the fact that I didn’t get the girl, I just celebrated my celibacy with my friends. I spent the majority of the evening with them talking about various things, desperately trying to forget the fact that I wasn’t going to end up dancing with anyone tonight.
My friends would often tease me about asking her to the dance. It became harder to speak to V, and I’ve noticed that she felt more awkward around me. “Well shit, you’ve done it now!”
Fast-forward a few months, the dust settled and we started talking casually again. Now I’m not sure how you guys do it in your country (Pardon me, I’m quite young and ignorant), but our class had to partake in something called “Work Experience” where they set us out into the wild for a week, and it’s our job to scramble around and look for one. I decided to apply for a job in a hotel, working under Marketing and Sales. However, I found out that V and one of my friends were also working in the same hotel. V worked in Finance, she worked in the same floor that I did, although we worked in entirely different rooms. I never got to see her during our time here, even during lunch breaks.
One week later, we had just finished Work Experience, and it was nearing the end of the school year. Our headmaster decides to throws us a graduation dinner party at a fancy hotel. It had just about everything you’d want: food and beverages, a dance floor, good musicians, and of course, girls. Everything went smoothly for a while. There was a lot of picture taking, and good moments. After the party died down a bit, the majority of them decided it was time to return home. Our numbers thinned, and only a handful of us remained. There were 3 boys, myself included. Due to sheer coincidence, there were also 3 girls. Guess what the band started playing? Slow music. Thanks guys, we knew we could count on you. ^pricks
Needless to say, T managed to score a dance with one of the girls; let’s call her K. She was a good friend of V’s, and whenever K and I hung out, V would often be there. She was a lot louder, and more relaxed and casual than V was, but she was also easier to talk to. V decided to go on stage and sing with the band, and it was just me and another friend talking to each other while the other girl, N, just sat and cheered on T and K.
The band took a short break, and T spoke to me about V, and how I should ask her to dance, despite the failure of my previous attempt. Eventually, I caved in to peer pressure, and decided to let Jesus take the wheel: It was all bravado at this point. I walked up to V, but not without her friends noticing me the moment I approached. They gave each other these funny, shit-eating grins as I lowered my hand and asked V to dance.
Fortunately, I didn't stutter, but I guess coyly asking “Hey V, could you please teach me how to dance?” would be something equally as bad. Not one of my proudest moments, but I thought it would be quite a funny way to request someone to come and dance with you. Her friends laughed while I just stood there with my arm out like a god-damn coat hanger. She didn't say anything, or maybe I wasn't listening. I couldn't even tell. I was too flustered to think. I just decided to play it cool and sit down. It was worth a shot anyway.
But Jesus fuck, she accepted. I don't know what I expected, but her accepting was not among them. She slowly stood up and told me to do the same, my friends cheered. I had no idea what was going on, so I just played along. I really had no clue how to dance. In a crowd of guys at a night club, I’d often be the guy sitting down whilst tapping his foot, watching his friends have all the fun. As we approached the now-empty dance floor, I faced V and jutted my hands out like a robot from a 60’s science fiction movie. I quietly told her “I don’t know how to dance”. “Neither do I”
V and I just stood there, looking at each other and laughing at how fucked this whole situation was. T walked over and taught us how to dance properly. (Screw you T, stop being a good friend) The struggle was real, and after around 30 grueling seconds of playing pseudo-twister on each other’s waists and shoulders, we got it.
We slowly danced, albeit awkwardly, and being the master of romance that I am, thought it would be interesting to ask her about work. You can just imagine how this conversation went; lots of small talk, lots of business; the kind of stuff nobody would really be interested in. We spent all of our time swaying hips and dancing whilst talking about office work and responsibilities on the god-damn dance floor. I guess she was just kind enough to roll with it, even though we didn’t last half the song. I couldn’t take the heat, and eventually I latched off of her and we went our separate ways. Nobody dared to dance again after that colossal fuck up, and I’m starting to think I might have scared her off. They left shortly after the song ended, leaving us guys in the dark.
So that’s how my night ended guys, I just wanted to share this experience because I found it particularly cringeworthy. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to make it up to her, hahaha.
dcd1991: Dude shes into you. Just take it easy and be real. You got this.
Pe4s3: OP Listen to this person!
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1403330672 | 1403334845 | t3_28pdvb | t5_2to41 | 2 | throwaway12464: TIFU by making my mother think i am gay
footm13: Not at all
Source : Fellow pcmasterrace brother
throwaway12464: so i am not gay but my father says i have no life do i?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403335256 | 1403384694 | t3_28phve | t5_2to41 | 66 | mrbrutka: TIFU by drinking milk for the first time in 11 months
As far as I know I'm not allergic to milk or lactose intolerant, but I don't like the taste much so I generally don't drink it. However for some reason, today when I woke up I decided to have a bowl of cereal with milk. Throughout the day I had no sign of any problems and I ate what I normally ate, and all was right with the world.
Fast forward to 2:15 AM - I'm rolling around in bed with stomach cramps. I eventually force myself out of bed and into the bathroom, taking a seat on the porcelain throne. After a few minutes of gastric distress, I shoot out a couple of jets of diarrhea. After enduring the smell for a good while, I decide that my stomach has finally settled enough for me to try and go back to sleep.
As soon as I stand up I notice something is horribly, horribly wrong. I turn around and brace for impact, projectile vomiting into the toilet no less than 5 times. Eventually my stomach spams fade to dry heaves and I try to clean up the mess. I spent a good 15 minutes blowing half digested food out of my nose.
TIFU by drinking milk for the first time in 11 months...
nhebert1987: If you drank milk in the morning, I don't think that could be what caused your upset stomach early the following morning. You would have had diarrhea throughout the day. Could be something else you ate was expired?
odiro: Food dosent have to even expired it could be contaminated.
mrbrutka: AFAIK everything else I ate should have been fine, as other people ate the same stuff without symptoms. Thats why I decided on the milk.
odiro: well in that case it might be that the milk is either to old or contaminated it can happen really fast since that 1 liter milk might have been in a thank that contain 1000 of liters of milk.
mrbrutka: Hopefully it was just contaminated and I don't have any new-found allergies, I like milk products too much to give them up.
odiro: If your worried go take a allergic exam for milk so you know if you really are milk intolerant or not.
mrbrutka: Yeah, I've got my regular checkup scheduled for July so I'll bring it up then.
| 8 | 8.25 | |
1403335722 | 1403389925 | t3_28pi7k | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU: By seeing an old Muslim man drunk and didn't help him.
This story happened few years ago.
I was in NYC and taking the bus back to my home. After paying the fare and having a seat. I found a drunk old Muslim man that look religious entered the bus. He talked in an incomprehensible way that no one understood him. He talked to the bus driver, then tried to attack a girl on the bus, the whole bus was about to beat the shit out of him. After he left the bus, the bus moved and everything was fine.
I asked my self, why that piece of shit drinking while wearing a conservative Muslim outfit? Muslims in general don't drink. I asked my self, what was wrong with that guy?
I've just realized that he was under a [hypoglycemia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypoglycemia) and I should have called 911 get a medical help for him.
Please familiarize yourself with hypoglycemia in case if you have seen something similar to it.
MarweettaB: Sorry for my ignorance but.. What is that exactly?
teaprincess: It's when people's blood sugar gets too low (normally due to a health condition, such as diabetes) and it can cause people to behave erratically.
MarweettaB: Oh thanks.
| 4 | 5 | |
1403340012 | 1403507018 | t3_28pl5y | t5_2to41 | 14 | bellagioia: TIFU by practically cutting my roommate's dog's eat off.
Today, I FUCKED up.
Let me start by saying I adore my animals, &all animals.
My friend has this weird long-haired chihuahua papillon.
Wicket. Sweetheart, tiny, and well taken care of (by me, usually she smells like cigarettes and has little mats. Roommate loves her, is just completely fucking clueless.)
Anyway, after giving Wicket a bath and drying her off a bit, I started to trim her hair, and some of the mats. I used to groom dogs, bathe them, etc., so I was comfortable doing it.
I found a huge fucking rats nest of a mat behind her ear, cleared around it and slowly started to trim. Wicket didn't move,cry, or give ANY sign she was in distress, and just sat there blinking slowly.
I kept trimming, tried to pull some of the excess hair out of the way and noticed something bright pink. When I moved closer and moved the remaining mat I found I had practically cut off the back of her fucking ear. Bright pink skin, veins and blood vessels galore. Nothing to protect it, just skin. The second layer of her fucking skin.
I fucking lost it.
Not the gore, that does bother me. It was the fact that,because this dog is so small in size, including her ears, she practically had no first layer of skin/fur on the back of her ear.
Ran to my car, ran a red light to the emergency vet just to be sent home, and was told to out hydrogen peroxide on it.
Roommate? Killed me. Freaked out
on me, rightly so, and slapped the back of my head.
Wicket is fine, it healed perfectly. I took her to the vet, no stitches required, but apparently I was extremely close to doing major damage.
I will never groom another animal.
Mikil07: Did the same thing with my dog although I noticed after one cut. She didn't appear to feel a thong some I'm over there crying and felt horrible for the next two days. Was much more careful next time I cut the mats off her ears
bellagioia: Turned out, the little mat was a tumor or some kind of mass! It had little blood vessels and was squishy :(
Mikil07: Well if it was a mass then you just gave her really cheap surgery lol.
bellagioia: Haha, yeah. The vet said that he saw it happen all the time, which, well...made me feel better
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1403330380 | 1403423948 | t3_28pdlh | t5_2to41 | 41 | jomosexual: Tifu by trying to send a dick pic to my boyfriend
So my boyfriends at work and almost home, naturally I want to send him a pic of my boner so we can fool around.
Welp, I sent three emails and my cock to a director I'm working under next week.
So now I have to edit and film with a guy who has seen my hard on for 12 hours in a couple of days.
Tldr check your email address
PREDATORA: Why would you email a dickpic?
maczirarg: Op is not a woman. Op is jomosexual.
the-real-raybeam: So? Why would he email a dickpic?
maczirarg: It's more weird if it's a woman, IMO
the-real-raybeam: So... Emailing a vaginapic=weird. Emailing a dickpic=less weird?
maczirarg: Being a woman, sending a dick pic to her boyfriend=weird. Being a gay male, sending a dick pic to his bf=okay
the-real-raybeam: And that brings me back to my and his first question: Who emails a dickpic? Why not use a mobile phone?
EDIT: Why *not* use a mobile, sorry.
maczirarg: Better image quality, having a feature phone instead of a smartphone, whatever.
| 9 | 4.555556 | |
1403346947 | 1403430150 | t3_28ppoh | t5_2to41 | 253 | benoliver999: TIFU by asking for a threesome with my girlfriend's colleagues.
Oh god my time has come to post here.
I live with my girlfriend. We're still in very close contact with an old university friend of ours, with whom we had a running joke about wife swapping/getting weird with each other. I can't really remember how it started. It’s mostly jokes I made to get cheap laughs out of embarrassed giggles.
This morning, my girlfriend was talking to her on iMessage. She stepped away to do her hair and I thought it would be funny to type 'hey [friend] when are we having a threesome'.
I was trying to say something so outlandish that the friend would clearly know it was me. This is not the kind of thing my girlfriend would say at all.
Problem is that I wasn't talking to the friend. I accidentally sent the message to a group chat full of my girlfriend's university colleagues.
I tried to cover by explaining who I was and that I was a dick. I hope it comes across. I feel a bit sick. My girlfriend is really upset.
No replies so far.
**tl;dr** I made my girlfriend sound like a swinger in front of people she has to work with.
potato99: They all want you man
Kenny__Loggins: People like you are the reason that people die after attempting ridiculous feats. But Goddammit, it's awesome.
ExParrot1337: He was on the highway...
| 4 | 63.25 | |
1403349924 | 1403412131 | t3_28prmr | t5_2to41 | 694 | MrOxfordComma: TIFU by playing world of warcraft at my friend's house.
This happened some years ago, when I was in high school. I had this friend with whom I used to play world of warcraft. We played for hours and hours and were totally addicted to it. Sometimes it got late while playing and I had to spend the night at my friends house, because driving home at late night was dangerous (this was in Colombia). In high school we made each month something called the "round of sincerity". This game was the worst. You had to write down your name on a paper sheet, and pass it around among your classmates. Each one of your classmates had to write on your sheet what they thought about you, what they want you to improve at, what bothers them about you, etc. So my WoW friend got my sheet and wrote down the most bizarre thing. He wrote that he loved to blow me and drink my semen, and how much he likes when we fuck and I don't know what else but it was really heavy (we always made this sort of jokes among my friends). I laughed at it, put my sheet in my back pack and forgot about it. Two weeks later I wake up and my parents are sitting in the living room with my sheet in their hands. Somehow my mom went through my stuff and found it. My mom then proceeds to read my friend's post out loud with my father listening!!. Worst experience of my life. I tried to convince them that I wasn't gay and that it was just a joke. Then my mom says: this is the friend you sleep at every week, right? It all makes sense now...
EDIT: grammar and shit
UPDATE: Don't get me wrong. My parents weren't neither judgmental nor jumping straight to conclusions. They just wanted to clarify things and let me know that I could trust them no matter what. They told me that nothing in our relation was going to change and that they would always support me. On the other hand, the "evidence" was strong, finding such a graphical text can mess up anyone's thoughts and raise doubts, specially due to the extreme close relation we had. I ended up asking a (not so good looking) girl at school who had a crush on me to come and have dinner with my family. I made sure my parents saw us kissing.
TL;DR played WoW like an insane man, mom and dad believe WoW mate and I get wild every night
Drayve: Brojob! Brojob!
No but in all seriousness that sucks dick.
...ok not total seriousness
YouGotAte: Don't be such a cunt...be an anus, OP is gay.
waoHelios: The effort was there, I feel like you just didn't stick the landing though.
Kenny__Loggins: The joke was a little gimpy, but at least not full retard.
| 5 | 138.8 | |
1403351968 | 1403358096 | t3_28pt0t | t5_2to41 | 7 | Nicksterr2000: TIFU by hiding my Fiancée's engagement ring.
TIFU by hiding my Fiancée's engagement ring:
I purposed to my Fiancée 4 weeks ago, and she frequently leaves her ring at home because it'd be a potential distraction to the kids she works with (special needs pre-school). This past weekend she left her ring at home while she went to a friend’s birthday party a couple hundred miles away, and I was fit to be tied!(do people still say that?) So I decided I'd hide the ring and see how long it'd take her to realize it was missing.
She left Saturday in the afternoon, and returned Sunday evening. No mention of the ring by her that night. I head to work that night and come home the next morning at 6am, she's getting ready for work and still hasn't said anything about the ring. I'm thinking WTF? It's been a couple weeks and you're already forgetting it? I head to bed while she goes off to work.
She gets home that afternoon, and I see that she's looking around the house kind of frantic like, so I ask her "What's wrong?" She hesitates for a minute and replies "I can't find my ring!" with a tone of panic and dread.
I'm terrible for doing so, but I start laughing as I walk over and hand it to her.
She precedes to tell me that she thought she left it at work when she couldn't find it the night before, and that when she couldn't find it she sent out a district wide e-mail asking everyone to keep an eye out for it.
Needless to say I slept on the couch that night.
[deleted]: I don't think you did anything wrong really. She shouldn't have left it laying around. It's one thing to not wear it at work but leaving at home when you're going out of town? Not okay and to not want it back asap again, not okay. So you sent an email to everyone? Big deal, not like you'll lose your job. Tell her to take better care of her things and she wouldn't need to panic.
Droviin: He never said that she left the ring lying around. For all we know, she left the ring were she puts all her usual jewelry.
[deleted]: Well as woman who has jewelry, and always always puts my stuff away when not wearing it(yes I'm married too so I have rings) when it's not there at home I go right to the person I live with, not send a mass email to ppl I work with, at a place I've never worn it to. Based on his story. Just saying.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403351634 | 1403415176 | t3_28pst7 | t5_2to41 | 30 | DogeSaint-Germain: TIFU by answering a porn related quiz question in the presence of my older sister.
We were both playing a multiplayer quiz game on my mobile, each answering the questions we knew. This was the last question of a hard fought match and we were both very eager to win the match; the responses to the questions had been loud, sudden and full of passion. Adrenaline wa pumping has high as it can in the context of trivia. I was thinking about how high my heart was beating when, on the screen, appears the question ''Which of these actresses played in Entourage?''. Now, I wish I had taken those 15 seconds of reflexion to prepare an answer for the question ''How do you know, you don't even watch that show''. But I wanted to win sa bad that I immediately exclaimed ''SASHA GREY!''.
Tygar: Who cares, your sister probably watches porn too!
GiraffeRaging: >probably
We all watch porn, the real question is whether or not someone lies about it.
cheesellama_thedevil: Wait... girls watch porn? I thought that pics of a naked guy was called "gay porn" for a reason.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1403354098 | 1403386065 | t3_28puo2 | t5_2to41 | 1,177 | Bakeryboss: TIFU by farting after surgery
Mouler: Every surface in every hospital has been shat on. Nothing new. Blame anesthesia.
jpkotor: It's always anesthesia's fault. Unless there's a med student, then it's the med student's fault. If there is a med student on anesthesia... God have mercy on him. Academic medicine 101.
Thumbs4Eyes: Can confirm, med student who considered going into anesthesiology here.
Also, OP, at least it wasn't in the OR (that you know of). It's always a nice surprise for everyone when they go to move the patient after surgery and there is shit smeared everywhere underneath them.
Nagaempress: Does this happen often? ( Real question)
Thumbs4Eyes: I've seen it a handful of times and I was only in the OR for 3 months. Mainly it would be in older people (>65y/o), or in people we would have to perform emergent surgery on so they didn't get the chance to fast beforehand.
Nagaempress: Thank you! I was wondering about that!
| 7 | 168.142857 | |
1403334692 | 1403560734 | t3_28pheb | t5_2to41 | 19 | themrcool: TIFU by falling for a phishing site and lost my steam account.
Last night I was trading for new Team Fortress 2 weapons. A stranger friended as said "my friend wants to trade with you add him here *phishing site*". Without thinking I typed in my secure information. The site did some weird redirect and It took me a couple of minuets to realized what I had just done. After I had figured out my account information had been compromised my phone buzzed. It was an email from steam support saying that my contact email has been successfully changed.
I've submitted a support ticket to steam support but have yet to have a response (I do not know how long this should/will take). I used my credit card to prove I was the true account holder. Now I am missing the steam sale. I am still quite hopeful that I will recover my account.
I made a series of errors in a row in-order to lose my account and I have no defense but stupidity. I feel both disbelief and disappointment that I made such a dumb mistake. I am hoping venting it may make me feel like less of a dumb-ass.
Walican132: I've known more than one person this happened to. You're account is gone steam support didn't help any of them.
themrcool: I really hope this is not true. My account is worth more than 1000 dollars. This would ruin my year.
Walican132: Well good luck, let me know if they help you I'd be curious.
themrcool: Got it back this morning! horray!
[deleted]: WOW! This is super good to know, congrats and now I feel SO much better! I suppose it's only purchased items and whatnot they can't return THIS IS AWESOME!
themrcool: Yeah the bad new is that I lost my most valuable tf2 items (valued at about 40 dollars). I also lost the 20 dollars that was in my steam wallet. I contacted steam support just in case they could do something for me but I don't expect much.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1403354761 | 1403360818 | t3_28pv7l | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by locking myself out of my work
I am a computer programmer that is allowed to work at any time I please. Today I decided to come into work at 6:00 AM (on a saturday). The thing is no one is at the office on saturday. I went inside and did a little bit of work. I then went outside for a smoke only to realize the second the door closed behind me that I forgot my building key. I need the key to get back inside but it's at my desk inside with nobody here. I would drive home but my fucking key is inside. I am currently locked outside with no means of transportation (my money is in my car) and I am hopefully waiting for someone to show up.
TL;DR I am fucking retarded.
ssjkriccolo: Did someone show up?
DiseasedScrotum: OP Pls
ssjkriccolo: OP got in but left their phone outside.
| 4 | 12.75 | |
1403361168 | 1403414814 | t3_28q1ko | t5_2to41 | 321 | [deleted]: TIFU by allowing a gas plume to close down a Panera Bread
This was from a few years ago but I never told the story on reddit. So backstory to this. I started working at a Panera as an general staff, and was immediately after orientation worried about a few things. The thing that concerned me the most was that the manager was adding bleach to the mop water to make it "extra clean". So I noticed the store constantly smelled noxious, and eventually decided to look at the label for the premixed mop water. You guessed it, ammonia was a main ingredient. So I told her politely that she was creating chloramine gas for no reason, but she insisted I did not know what I was talking about.
Getting frustrated I took the MSDS out of its folder and taped it to the dispenser. It read clearly "do not mix with bleach". After getting talked to for being insubordinate I had enough and said fuck it you guys want to mix chemicals do what you want (though for some reason they seemed to decide to stop mixing in bleach after taping the MSDS up). So either way a month goes by and the thermalizer gets clogged (basically a heated basin of water). So the same manager decides manually excising the clog is to much effort and starts throwing in chemicals.
I got there after she had added half a gallon of bleach. Now I immediately asses the situation, and realize that manually excising the clog is better, so I go to get a pipe snake from the back (I was the only male who worked mornings so I got to do all the fun" stuff the girls didn't want to). As I am looking for the pipe snake I see her come in to the stock room and grab a jug of ammonia. Now my brain didn't process that anyone would be that stupid, but turns out I was wrong. I get back in front just in time to see her begin to add it in to the heated basin now filled partially with bleach. The rest is history
http://www.myfoxphilly.com/story/19484986/emergency-crews-respond-to-possible-hazmat-incident-in-nj
EDIT: More to the story. So after she adds it in the fumes begin to build up rapidly. I told her "I am leaving, you just filled the store with toxic gas" to which I was threaten with being fired for deserting my post so to speak. After multiple employees started getting sick and our beloved mexican front counter lady started crying she realized she fucked up bad. Cue me calling the fire department and explaining what was going on, they order the store to be evacuated. By this time I was feeling it pretty heavy so I said "Fuck this I am driving to the hospital, anyone who needs a ride come with me" 6 out of 8 employees left for the hospital, and the remaining 2 went there in an ambulance. Fun stuff.
[deleted]: Did you ever report the manager? I hope she doesn't work there anymore.
[deleted]: I didn't, I just didn't care enough, I did however a quit a few weeks later, but before I quit they sent in some kind of incident assessment person who sat down with all the employees to get an account of what happened. I unloaded on her the whole story, and also pointed out that I was either getting a huge raise or quitting (guess which one happened). As far as I know the entire staff has rotated out except the Hispanic staff (because they are such beasts at their jobs you would have to be an idiot to fire them)
CaraCaraTheOrange: Having worked as a baker for Panera, I can attest to the idiocy of the GM's they put in there.
They couldn't deal with ordering stock when we relinquished it to them from night shift and so we were always out of things. They often gave items like coffee filters to starbucks, a direct competitor.
The essentiality is, Panera is just an upgraded LOOKING McDonald's, with all the McDonald's people transferred over.
Side Note: The GM that fired me made district manager after that and bombed it bad.
Tokarev_TT: Hey, McDonalds staff isn't that bad!
Source: McDonalds employee
[deleted]: Just a fun note I worked at 2 separate McDonald's before moving to panera, everything he said is 100000000% accurate, side note I am drunk as fuck right now
Tokarev_TT: I guess employment is different wherever you go.
| 7 | 45.857143 | |
1403362822 | 1403453626 | t3_28q3ku | t5_2to41 | 28 | redditcoder: TIFU by (almost) accidentally stealing from Walmart.
Just got done working out at the gym, and what better way to celebrate than getting some Little Debbie Nutty Bars, right? I headed over to Walmart.
T-Mobile just announced "Music Freedom". Streaming music from the Internet no longer counts against my data plan, so I was enjoying some Slacker Radio. I was enjoying it so much, that I just walked *right out the store* with my package of nutty bars without paying. I got about halfway to the car before realizing I was holding a package sans receipt. I sprinted back in to the store and bought the box at self checkout.
Here is the worst part. What song was playing that almost gave me a criminal record just to save $1.97? It was "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus.
BillNyeTheRussianGuy: Music freedom? Gotta look into this.
DatAwsomness: This is why I hate Verizon :(
redditcoder: I'm very pleased with T-Mobile. They once had a policy where they'd pay your ETF. They might still have it. I believe they just announced a 7-day trial period if you are worried about coverage.
BillNyeTheRussianGuy: T-Mobile is the Tesla motors of the telecom world. If only they would provide cable and Internet..
gregbair: Except that if you venture outside of a major city, you have NO coverage.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1403366020 | 1403367544 | t3_28q7hb | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by betraying my best friend with his girlfriend.
The day before yesterday, I was having a chat with my best friend let's call him "JHON", he was telling that his girlfriend just broke up with him (let's call her SUMMER), and suddenly while we were talking SUMMER called (she never called me), I so told JHON your GF is calling, He told to call her back then call me to tell him why she did call (Remember) , so i did call her, she was crying telling me that she is not okey, and jhon was cheating on me all the time ( someone told her that Jhon is cheating on her), I didn't know what to say, (FYI they were constantly fighting and it was like a job a break up after a break up for like FOUR YEARS), so I thought they will get over it,
and actually it seemed worse because this time Summer was kinda sure that he is cheating on her, so after a while of crying and trying to fix it for Jhon, she asked to confirm it, is he really cheating on her, I struggled a lot like I don't really what to do ( Because he was really cheating on her with a 5 girls, and I know this whole relationship is just waste of time for both).
So I made a decision by telling her the truth ( cuz I thought this is the end and she deserves to know), I told her almost everything, she cried and she felt like pig for 4 years, I tried to comfort her and help her to see the bright side of life...etc, so after 3 hours the conclusion was JHON and SUMMER end of relation and she would never and ever tell Jhon that I told her, and she told me not to tell Jhon that she called (Remember I already told him) !!!, anyway after that I wrote to Jhon that she called to tell that you both broke up and to ask me about my sister some blah blah blah (4 min conversation),
today she called to tell me that Jhon went to see and to beg her and he told her (all crying) that he never like REALLY NEVER cheated on her, she told me that she was weak, and she's really confused and doesn't know what to do, is he really telling her the truth or he's just acting like he did before hundreds of times, she told me that she kinda gave him the LAST chance ( I was like OMFG What I've done), and she asked me to be like a "spy", if anything goes wrong I have to tell her, I didn't know what to tell , so I said " we'll see", and while we were talking Jhon called, I was like OH FUCK !, so I told Summer " I gotta go Jhon is calling and this conversation or the other one , NEVER HAPPENED" , So to Jhon, he called me to tell me that summer forgave him and she did give him a chance, and he was admitting that it was his fault so I told him do not tell Summer that I told you about her calling me the other day because she told me so ( I did tell him that like 5 times lol).
Hope this story will end like that and none of them will fuck me up by sharing all this conversations Because I really :
TIFU by betraying my best friend with his girlfriend.
EDIT: grammar and shit
Captain_Cthulhu: Thats weird name.
textdot_net: Sorry I didn't mean to use a weird name I shoud've put names to vote before using them xD
Captain_Cthulhu: The name I assume you were going for is typically spelled John.
Edit: TIL that jhon is also a common spelling
textdot_net: Done, thank you I didn't notice ( fast typing) :)
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1403354230 | 1403369200 | t3_28puri | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing on some patté
Bit of back-story first: Last week I was at my boyfriends house, it was late at night and we were both pretty stoned. His older brother was also still awake and had been cleaning out chicken liver pâté jars all weekend for some reason...
So, at about 5am my boyfriend and I were playing videogames and after a while I had the urge to go pee.. After a final mission in Borderlands I went into the bathroom to be greeted by the most awful stench of cat food, I didn't really question it until I lifted the toilet lid. Right there in the bottom of the bowl were three perfectly jar shaped mounds of liver pâté.. In my stoned state I had a moment of disgust thinking it was someones shit before realizing what it actually was, I also wondered whether or not I should go and tell my boyfriend but thought, "fuck it, I need to pee!" My logic was that my pee would flush even if the pâté didn't, and that we could see to the pâté once I was finished.
I did my business, put the toilet lid down, flushed and then walked away thinking that was the last I'd have to deal with it. How wrong I was! I didn't account for the toilet paper I had used to wipe, or the fact that I had been on my period.
Fast forward a few minutes, and my boyfriend and I are having a good laugh about why the hell his brother thought it would be a good idea to put pâté into the toilet (we later found out that he was stoned too and thought that flushing the pâté would be a good way to dispose of it. He then forgot to flush it.) We were also laughing about the fact that I had decided to pee down on top of it, but I assured him that it was ok seeing as I had flushed.
After a good laugh, my boyfriend went in to the bathroom to see if the pâté was still there, after only a few seconds of being gone, he returned with a look of disgust on his face and told me to follow him back into the bathroom, which I did. I walked in to find an almost overflowing toilet bowl filled to the brim with broken up chunks of liver pâté mixed with blood and toilet paper. I was mortified, I hadn't lifted the lid after flushing to check if it had all gone down, I'm honestly not sure why I didn't but I'm just going to blame being stoned! We eventually got it to flush, but a week on and I am still cringing that my poor boyfriend had to see/help clean that!
**TLDR:** Urinated/perioded on some chicken liver pâté. Boyfriend witnessed ungodly toilet soup of said period and pâté.
**Edit:** Patté to pâté!
RV578: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
[deleted]: I'm honoured! xD
| 3 | 10 | |
1403367768 | 1403404445 | t3_28q9ui | t5_2to41 | 74 | eightNote: It's Shat Myself Saturday! Let's hear your poop stories!
re: [this,](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28jky7/meta_a_shitty_compromise/) today there's no moratorium on talking shit, so let one rip and tell us how it happened!
shitty_party_dress: Just happened to me today. So I'm headed to my best friends bridal shower. Windows down, music on the radio, sun shining all while I'm sporting a brand new sun dress. Honestly it was just so perfect I didn't have a care in the world! I was about to celebrate my friends upcoming nuptials, meet her soon to be in laws and catch up with her mom. Today was gonna be a good day!
Just as I'm about to turn onto her step-moms street a little rumble in my tummy indicated last night's dinner wasn't fully done with me. No big deal, a little gas! I'd already dropped the kids at the pool that morning so I wasn't worried, gas is gas. Or so I thought.... I let it rip, the smell was horrific! My god that was the worst fart ever! Until the smell didn't go away, it just lingered as I approached the house. I slightly shifted in my seat, trying to get the smell out from under me when I realized it was more than just a fart.
I was squishy. I was stinky. I was fucked! I can't walk into somebodies house covered in shit! The back of my bright pink dress was now painted in brown, my cloth seat would never come clean no matter how hard I scrubbed. How would I explain this to the guy at the dealership?!?!?! How was I going to explain this to my friend? My friend who I've known for 12 years. My friend who stood in my wedding just a year earlier. My friend..... God what was I going to say.
I drove down the block, shot her a text not to freak out but a grown woman has shit herself and please for all things that are sacred dont tell anyone! I sped home as fast as I could and then realized how the hell am I going to get from the car to my front door. Its about 20 feet but with shit dripping down my leg with every step I took it felt like a marathon. Please don't let any of my neighbors see me! Please don't let there be kids in the park behind my house!
I made it! I waddled up the stairs as best as I could. At least my husband wasn't home to see me in all my glory.... Now how do I get this shit soaked dress off without covering my head in shit. Fuck it, I'll wear it into the shower. Why not, I'm cleaning shit off my body might as well do the laundry while I'm at it. Scrub scrub scrub, cry a little, curse myself for trusting a fart! The dress ends up in the garbage, there's no way in hell I could bring myself to wear it ever again.
Now what to do about my car...... Google Google Google, cry some more, finally hear back from my friend who seems pissed as all hell! No I'm not on my way, I'm going to attempt to scrub shit out of my cloth seat! Oh in 85 degree whether none the less. I'm gagging but at least if I puke it might help cover the shit smell. I'm not a religious person at all, but I was praying that this was a cruel nightmare. God what had I do so horribley in my 27 years that I deserve this?!?!?!
Just as I'm about to set my whole car on fire who do I see? The 80 year old neighborhood watch woman, who never stops asking about my dog or telling me about her parakeet. WHY WHY WHY!!!!! I spray a fuck ton of febreeze and slam the door, knowing it's not going to fix the problem but I can not deal with this and the old lady at the same time. She gets closer, asks about the dog, tells me that she had the same dog growing up, blah blah blah COME THE FUCK ON LADY!!!! I try to excuse myself, tell her I need to check the wash (dumbest fucking thing ever!!) And as I take my first step she asks if I smell something. Menure perhaps?
I run inside, slam the door, turn off all the lights and I've been balling my eyes out in the corner of the kitchen for the past hour and a half. I'm not leaving the house until absolutely necessary which I hope is never.
SECAggieGuy14: I love how based on your username this a throwaway, which means you're afraid someone could identify you based on your shit myself story haha
shitty_party_dress: I have friends and family who know my real username and they really don't need to know this ever happened
SECAggieGuy14: Idk, I've had some people I know share shitting themselves stories, and well, it's the funniest type of story
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1403367330 | 1403491909 | t3_28q97y | t5_2to41 | 10 | Lex_a_pro: TIFU by getting high on the first date
So I haven't been on a date in quite some time, and I finally got a cute girl's number who actually agreed to go out and get dinner with me.
The night was going very well and we were both having a really good time all the way through dinner. I was fairly sure by the end of the meal that I had secured a second date.
At the end of dinner she tells me about a party that she is going to later and asked me if I wanted to go. Obviously, I accepted the offer because I wanted to keep the night going.
Before we leave the restaurant she asks if I smoke weed. I tell her that I do which is true, but I haven't smoked in a month or so (plus I love to smoke with pretty girls so I was very excited to get this chance). We head to get the bud and then go back to her place to smoke. So we smoke 2 bowls on her porch and for some damn reason I started getting really hot and kind of dizzy.
I tell her I need to go take a piss on the side of the house. As soon as I stand up my vision starts to fade to black and I'm beginning to lose my balance. I made it all the way to the side of the house but then I completely black out, possibly hitting my head on a car in the drive way. The next thing I remember is slowly waking up, at first thinking it was a dream with someone saying my name. Then I remember where I am and what just happened. So I get up and tell her that I am extremely sorry and that I am just going to go home. I try walking to my car but I fell down again.
I ended up taking a cab home, missing the party, and completely ruining a great night with this girl that I now feel extremely too embarrassed to talk to again.
TIFU by getting high on the first date.
jellie420: Dude, totally talk to her again. She probably thought it was cute/funny/sad you couldn't handle your weed and would like to hear from you. If she's anything like me she'll be happy you won't be smokin all her bud. ;)
Lex_a_pro: Yeah I actually texted her earlier and she said she looked forward to seeing me again. It was still really embarrassing though because I've been smoking for years now and I looked like an idiot.
MrDestruktiv: Bro, it's not that weird.
From time to time there is always someone (we usually smoke in a round of 4-6 persons) who get a little "dizzy" and just HAS to go to sleep/get on the couch and relax because otherwise they would maybe just blackout, so they relax/sleep for like half an hour and everything is fine again.
And we all smoke some years now.
Probably she had the same 1-2 times and knows what you had!
So nothing to be ashamed of, really.
I wouldn't even think you are weird or anything if I would be that girl, just explain it and everything is fine.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1403369373 | 1403425259 | t3_28qbzv | t5_2to41 | 3 | throwthisfarawayfrom: TIFU by pissing off the police and getting arrested. Help?
Asian male here. Made a police report against someone but pissed off the officers while making statements. Got arrested (charge is unclear) and am on bail now.
Highly probably that police is watching, i.e. phone's tapped, room may be bugged.
Police is hostile, declined all my rights and presumably, abusive with their authority.
1. Any important tasks need to be accomplished between now and being formally charged?
2. Any way to confirm that I'm under surveillance?
3. Any items/techniques/knowledge that I should know before one "disappears"?
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully things here come into good use and I'll share about them when I get back (if that happens).
Thanks in advance.
Vanilla_folders: You were arrested and you're not sure what the charges were?
You also sound paranoid. Put down the reefer and start making sense!
Troyus_Maximus: Right. He gets arrested, doesn't know why, and then thinks he's being watched by the cops. Ummmmm OK?
| 3 | 1 | |
1403369452 | 1403559737 | t3_28qc47 | t5_2to41 | 119 | Ayooatip: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend NSFW
This was actually 4 years ago. I was 19 and I had finally gotten a real girlfriend. And we were at the honeymoon phase where we were having sex every night. And was it great. We we would sleep at each other's houses every other day and paint the town red. One night she came over. We went to my room and for some reason she was really into it. She pushed me down on my bed and started to do the thing with her mouth. Once I had gotten hard she went and put it in without a condom or anything. And I felt a jolt. One of those jolts where you feel like you got shocked by something if you electrify yourself with a piece of clothing and touched something metal or touched another human being. So I didn't pay any mind to it. She was riding the surf board until I was about to burst. I didn't want it to end right then so I flipped her over and was going to go down on her and I saw that there was blood everywhere.(we were using a blanket because it was winter at the time and surprisingly winter in Texas is hella cold) I haven't seen that much blood in my life. It was like I was watching a Tarantino movie. I was so disgusted I almost threw up. So I run to the bathroom, blood dripping from my Johnson still and I proceeded to wash it off. But it wouldn't stop. Blood kept coming. And I thought to myself what the fuck. (I was not circumcised as a child so I still had the excess foreskin) I examined my bleeding willy and the tip of the foreskin has ripped.
Tl:dr fucked my girlfriend at the time and ripped my dick
duckvimes_: >we were at the honeymoon phase where we were having sex every night.
Pretty sure I read this exact phrase, word for word, in another submission recently. Just me, or does someone else recognize it too?
duckvimes_: Found it.
>My girlfriend and I are in the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship, and we have started having sex every night we are together.
[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/287p6n/tifu_by_having_sex_with_my_gf/)
Not word for word, but close enough. Titles are exactly the same though ("g/f"-->"girlfriend" aside).
dalkon: There have been quite a lot of these stories about foreskin ruining peoples' lives. In the past few months, we've had at least 22 of these in this sub and at least as many in other subs.
/r/tifu/comments/1vvsh7/tifu_by_not_checking_my_foreskin/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744765
/r/tifu/comments/1wbw90/tifu_by_wearing_a_onesie/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744761
/r/tifu/comments/1xbol9/tifu_by_eating_my_own_smegma/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744757
/r/tifu/comments/1zc9cg/today_i_fucked_up_by_wanking_too_hard/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744753
/r/tifu/comments/20th1t/tifu_by_wearing_khakis_to_school/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744749
/r/tifu/comments/22bae6/tifu_by_ripping_the_tip_of_my_penis_and_duck/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744745
/r/tifu/comments/23h350/tifu_by_pulling_my_exbfs_foreskin_back/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744741
/r/tifu/comments/25erb2/tifu_by_going_in_dry_nsfwnsfl/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744737
/r/tifu/comments/267593/tifu_by_drying_off_with_a_towel_covered_in_fire/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744733
/r/tifu/comments/26hzoz/tifu_by_almost_circumcising_myself/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744725
/r/tifu/comments/26jssa/tifu_by_using_a_regular_sock_to_masturbate_nsfw/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744721
/r/tifu/comments/26ruzp/tifu_by_ripping_my_dick_off/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744717
/r/tifu/comments/27cx31/tifu_by_not_knowing_foreskin_is_suppose_to_pull/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744713
/r/tifu/comments/27ebs4/tifu_by_having_a_bat_after_surgery/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744709
/r/tifu/comments/27hr67/tifu_by_getting_stoned_and_having_unprotected_sex/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744705
/r/tifu/comments/27i4u8/tifu_by_having_sex_in_the_shower/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744701
/r/tifu/comments/27lirh/tifu_by_ripping_my_foreskin_off/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744697
/r/tifu/comments/28ahel/tifu_by_breaking_someones_penis/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744693
/r/tifu/comments/28jd0e/tifu_by_getting_a_blowjob_nsfw/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744689
/r/tifu/comments/28qc47/tifu_by_having_sex_with_my_girlfriend_nsfw/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744685
/r/tifu/comments/287p6n/tifu_by_having_sex_with_my_gf/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744677
/r/tifu/comments/28rzrj/tifu_by_sticking_my_dick_in_the_freezer_nsfw/ http://redditlog.com/snapshots/744681
I'd guess it's probably genital surgery enthusiasts promoting genital surgery. [Deceptive trolling](http://circleaks.org/) is what they do.
Flutterbasket: I like how you searched the entire subreddit to find 22 foreskin tifu.
You must be hella bored
dalkon: I can't say it was rewarding, but I just write them down as I notice them. I've got a list of about a hundred of these troll stories from the past few months. It's 22 in this subreddit alone.
I imagine the people who post these same stories over and over with minimal editing must be even more bored, but they are trying to convince us infant genital surgery is a good idea, so they probably think they're doing "G-d's" work.
| 6 | 19.833333 | |
1403370436 | 1403429929 | t3_28qdlv | t5_2to41 | 371 | anusofdestiny: TIFU by shitting in an open high school locker room shower
I found this subreddit a few days ago and read through a bunch of f ups and it encouraged me to tell you all about the worst day of my life. This is my first post, so bare with me.
I was on the high school football team. Every morning in the off-season we would workout first thing in the morning. After working out, you were sweaty and smelly so everyone was obligated to take showers before going to class. The shower that we had in the football locker room was a big open shower, It's about the size of an average room with about 10 shower heads along the wall. There is one big drain in the middle of the room which the water flows out. Since the shower room was open, it left you exposed to everyone taking a shower at the same time as you. Every morning there is a rush for the showers, so if you don't get there first, you will have to wait in line. I waited for the line to clear, grabbed my towel and headed into the shower. Once in the shower I felt the need to release some gas from my anus. Instead of gas coming out... diarrhea came out instead. This was the moment I realized that I fucked up. My Dad had colitis(Colitis is swelling of the large intestine). And My mom had purchased a "colon cleanse" drink from the same company that makes the energy juice that I would drink every morning before working out. The bottles of the colon cleanse juice, and the energy juice look exactly the same... Guess which one I drank.
When the diarrhea hit the shower floor it made a smacking noise. I didn't know what to do. At this point everyone was screaming, gagging, and exiting the premises. The diarrhea was slowly moving towards the drain, but when it finally went down, everyone had already seen what had just happened. I can not explain the embarrassment I had inside of me. After I had wiped my ass and put my clothes on, I called my mom to come and get me out of school because I was too embarrassed to show my face. When I told her what had happened she let out a chuckle and it made me feel even worse.
When I show up for the next day, I learned quickly that the word had spread throughout the school that I had shat in the shower. Everyone knew. The nerds knew, the tennis team knew, the popular group knew... It was terrible. I was greeted by many people that day that I didn't even know. They would say "so you're the guy that shit in the shower?" I would always reply with "no it's that guy" and point to some random dude. But everyone knew it was me.
tldr: I sharted in an open shower with people in it. Whole high school knows.
dekd22: This is gonna make for an excellent story to tell people in college
lostkeysblameHofmann: Wrong. I thought the same thing in telling my new college friends about the time I was caught collecting pubes and fluid from the girl's bathroom in high school and instead of laughing I was ostracized and labeled as a weirdo and even when I tried to save face and tell everyone I was joking they were unrelenting and my frat brothers branded me with the name "Shitlocket" after a locket I wore with a certain saved treasure in it but regardless I still found my niche within the pornography enthusiasts but still I regret allowing my high school troubles to follow me to college.
eightofdiamonds: Sounds like you're friends with some judgmental assholes. Seriously who didn't do things like that in high school?
ExParrot1337: Pretty much everyone?
| 5 | 74.2 |
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