start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1403364803 | 1403379612 | t3_28q604 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Cokeblob11: TIFU by splattering acid across my face and breathing chlorine gas
Story time! I should probably preface this with the fact that this happen about 6 months ago, not today. So I'm a bit of chemistry nerd and I tend to do a lot of weekend experiments, and currently one of my long term projects is making as many elements as I can with the supplies I have. And one day I woke up and decided to make a sealed bottle of chlorine. So one way of making chlorine is by mixing pottasium chlorate and sulfuric acid (pretty stupid in hind sight) but I got everything set up, put on my gas mask and saftey gear, and began mixing. It was going well, I had chlorine, but I thought it looked like I could make more, so I open the flask of chlorine and pottasium chlorate, and poured in extra sulfuric acid. But mid pour the flask EXPLODED not some little firecracker pop but an EXPLOSION. 5 pieces of glassware were on the table outside, ALL of them shattered chlorine gas was everywhere and sulfuric acid sprayed across my face and jacket, I was running inside at this point and taking everything off, including the gas mask and therefore breathing the gas but at this point I couldn't care less. As I got inside I poured water all across my face for a full 10 minutes. Anyway I'm okay now, really the only casualty of the whole experience was my jacket as now it has a bunch of holes in the sleeves, and sometimes when people clap my ears ring! Oh and also I keep finding broken glass in my backyard.
KiII_Joy: Is it me, or have there been a lot of TIFU about chlorine recently?
Cokeblob11: It's nasty stuff, but this happened a while ago to me
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1403365800 | 1403388355 | t3_28q78i | t5_2to41 | 169 | GelComb: TIFU by brushing my teeth in my sleep.
First of all, I'd like to point out that for the last few years, I have had a special magical ability. I have always hated having a nasty mouth and whatnot, and if I ever go to bed without brushing my teeth, I will always wake up and they will be brushed and minty. Sleeping me isn't always PERFECT, because sometimes the toothpaste container will be on the ground or something, but it's closed. Whatever. So, last night I was extremely exhausted and tired, and I neglected to brush my teeth. "Oh, sleeping me will do it!" I thought.
I have never been so wrong.
I woke up in the bathroom with my toothbrush in my hand. I was extremely confused, and then I noticed the taste... or rather, sensation in my mouth. It was tingling. And then I gagged. I wasn't really throwing up, but I kind of wish I was. While I was trying to get this horrible thing out of my mouth in a sleepy daze, I look next to the sink and I see the perpetrator. There is a bottle of shampoo. The "Exhilarating Sensation" kind that is supposed to leave a chilled feeling in your hair. My mouth is burning now and has a disgusting flavor. I rush to the kitchen (because I can rotate the sink there) and I rotate it to my mouth and empty it. The shampoo is gone, but the flavor and unpleasant tingling continue. There's nothing I can do, and I've been rinsing my mouth for a quite a while at this point. I decided to just go back to bed.
When I awoke this morning, all of my teeth hurt (and they still do. and that flavor is still here) I would like to think that Sleeping Me is not stupid, but was just trying to play a prank. I do know that I will not be using my 'superpower' of unconsciously brushing my teeth for a long, long time.
jigglywoo: I was expecting to find out you had brushed your teeth with a razor.
tittyfig: OH GOD THE CRINGE I JUST EXPERIENCED
Edit: god damn typo
duckvimes_: Unfortunate typo, but I think I got the gist of your comment.
| 4 | 42.25 | |
1403371257 | 1403424123 | t3_28qeua | t5_2to41 | 26 | Krazedmigit: Tifu by getting dressed
Okay so im getting dressed to go on a date with my girlfriend of a year and eight months. Its still a few hours until the date but im bored af so whatever. She had recently bought some new fake guages and had them delievered to my house. I decided to try the rasta ones on as a joke. (I havent worn mine in years) im getting dressed deciding what to wear because i never dress up for her. Im sending her pictures of what im thinking about and everything is good. Until i send her a picture with her earrings on. Now this is the part where she starts acting very suspicious towards me. Shes acting like im getting ready to go on a date with some other girl or im trying to reinvent my self. She starts getting mad then gets pissed and calls off the date. Im sitting here like .-. Wut
wholockian122: Wow, that's a bit of an extreme conclusion for her to jump to. Sorry, man =/
devals: "wtf?"
Baggage, that's what. *shrug* it happens..
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1403369509 | 1403401703 | t3_28qc7f | t5_2to41 | 3,020 | oblioandthepoint: TIFU by looking down. NSFW
Turd_in_the_hole: Any hole is a goal?
CrispyBiscuitz: "GOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!" *shouts the TV broadcaster as the US scores, while my husband simultaneously shoots his load up my nostrils*
Not_a_vegan_: >GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL
FTFY. they get excited.
ComeAtMeFro: You forgot quite a few 'O's and 'A's. This shit needs to go on for like five minutes
Ask_Me_If_Im_A_Horse: Is that 5 minutes including the sex? That's like 4 minutes of shouting if so, and I doubt OP has the lung power for that.
ComeAtMeFro: But the real question is 'are you a horse?'
Mr_Evil_MSc: Pretty sure the real question is 'how many times a day do you regret that username?'
ComeAtMeFro: Oh, I'm sure there is no way to count the number of times a day he regrets it.
LegendaryPrimate: After all, how can horses count without fingers or toes?
ComeAtMeFro: BUT HOW IS HE TYPING?!?!?!?
LegendaryPrimate: Dextrous with his tongue. Why do you think ladies love horses?
Ask_Me_If_Im_A_Horse: I'm actually typing with my prehensile penis.
| 13 | 232.307692 | |
1403375482 | 1403378833 | t3_28qkmj | t5_2to41 | 19 | semenfresh: TIFU by brushing my teeth with semen (NSFW)
So, yesterday morning I returned home after a night of partying. Having got little action at said party I was feeling a little frisky. I go upstairs to get changed and then soon find myself masturbating.
I cum. Everywhere. I wipe what I can off with a tissue and then proceed to enter the bathroom where I washed any remnants off of my manhood in the sink.
Tired, I then have a quick shower and go to bed. Fast forward seven hours.
I wake up with a strange taste in my mouth and then realise that I neglected to brush my teeth earlier, so I grab my toothbrush from my bedside table (it's electric) and take it into the bathroom. I place it in the sink, squeeze on some toothpaste and then begin brushing away.
Two minutes later, I stopped brushing, spat out my toothpaste and then proceeded to wash my toothbrush and dry it with a towel. I then notice that there's a strange off-white substance on the bristles and so wash it again but it refuses to come out.
It then dawned on me. I reluctantly extended my finger and thumb and picked off the slimy, viscous substance which then drizzled into the sink. I smell it. Oh no. I notice a slight salty taste in my mouth. Oh no. I look into the sink and find a large collective of semen still there. Oh no. I felt sick.
My semen from earlier had remained in the sink in which I had then absent-mindedly placed my toothbrush.
I wiped the sink then changed the head on my toothbrush and pushed the thought out of my mind...
cumberlandblues: why do you put your toothbrush in the sink to put tooth paste on it? This whole story is bullshit.
ParvaDilectus: Could you even taste it over the toothpaste?
cumberlandblues: I just noticed this kid's username. His parents should ground him for being a cocksucker.
semenfresh: It's a throwaway...
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1403375944 | 1403391229 | t3_28qlag | t5_2to41 | 20 | metalclassicrock123: TIFU by being a week late to a job interview.
Not much of a storyteller but here's how it went down. On Wednesday I was passing out resumes looking for a job. One of these places was a fast food place at the mall food court.
Me: "Hi, I'd like to drop off a resume."
Cashier/Manager: "Okay, would you like to have an interview Thursday?"
Me: "Okay sounds good, see you then!"
I made the dumbass mistake of assuming that she meant NEXT Thursday, because if she'd meant the coming Thursday, she would have said tomorrow, right?
No, you moron, no!
So I show up one week later, next Thursday:
Me: "Hi I'm here for a job interview?"
Same lady: "Okay, you know you were supposed to be here last week, right?"
Me: "Ohhh, I'm so sorry... I thought you meant NEXT Thursday."
Her: "That's okay, that's okay, but I'll let you know I waited around for a bit. I'll be right out, if you'll just have a seat." *gestures toward the food court area*
So I grab a seat and in a matter of minutes, she's out. She tries to be courteous and polite the whole time, but I can tell she's a bit pissed off at me.
Her: "Do you have a resume with you, because in all honesty I threw yours out."
Me: *being as polite and nice as possible, with a big-ass dumb grin on my face* "Yes I do" and I hand a copy to her.
She looks it over, and says she wasn't really prepared for this. I apologize 5-6 more times during the awkward interview. When it's all over, she says, "Okay, that's all I need to know, we'll be in touch" the usual crap, you know, and we shook hands, and I left in shame.
TL;DR Passed in resume to fast food place, showed up to interview a week late, manager was pissed and unprepared but polite, I was embarrassed, I left in shame.
Unshavenhelga: That's on her. Next Thursday = next week.
metalclassicrock123: Well, to be fair, she only said Thursday. She didn't specify.
jaspercyril: You didn't clarify either and that means you're to be blamed partially.
metalclassicrock123: That's what I'm saying. Just one big communication error on both our parts.
jaspercyril: At least it was just a job at a fast food :) don't worry mate. Best of luck for your future interviews!
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1403376572 | 1403411260 | t3_28qm65 | t5_2to41 | 8 | CertifiedNutso: TIFU by having a few beers
So a few weekends ago my boyfriend and I had a party with some of our friends at our house for a combination birthday bash. Drinking and hookah and Xbox was pretty much what happened. Just a bunch of carefree kids shooting the shit and enjoying each others company.
So, my boyfriend doesn't exactly have a clean past when it comes to girls or anything and most of the stories his friends talk about are all about some whore he's fucked or some drug they've all taken. You know. . .Things a girlfriend doesn't really want to hear, But I laugh it off and try to have fun for him and because I want to enjoy myself and not be a miserable fuck. They all start talking I can hear his buddy Brian say something about some girl my boyfriend was with and at this point I've had enough, I don't want to hear it anymore, the third time is enough. It might be the two beers talking but I was upset and confronted my BF about it and said "Is this all i'm going to hear tonight? because it's sort of depressing.." and he tried to shrug it off but I let him know that wasn't going to work.
So, we go to this Hookah Bar not too far from the house and we're all having a blast, music is just blaring, the nicotine is rushing in your head. It feels great. His friend Dan shows up, he introduces everyone blah blah, and while he's having a good time talking I start talking to his buddy Dan to make him feel included because he was a pretty quiet person. Turns out we both have a lot in common when it comes to nerdism. Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, Sort of the Walking Dead but we talk about some Doctor Who con he went to and basically get along swimmingly.
Now, I have no idea if I did it intentionally because I was mad about the ex-girlfriend comments or whatever. but I must've been sending his friend the wrong messages all night because once we got back to the house to play Xbox and drink and just bullshit with each other, Adam, my bf sat on the floor in front of the t.v. I sat on the arm of the couch and his buddy Dan sat on the opposite couch basically right next to me.
When I would have to climb over the couch to get another drink or get someone something because I was being a good host and doing all the work, I'd have to climb right between him and Brian and Ethan and at some point during one of these times I was almost damn certain Dan grabbed my ass and another time my thigh.
By far he scariest shit that's ever happened to me. In terms of almost ruining a relationship if I had pursued it purposely.
tl;dr Basically I had a party, got jealous/insecure about my boyfriends friend's talking about his slutty ex's, drank too much, may have sent mixed signals to his friend that may or may not have grabbed my ass and thighs when I walked by him. Now, I only pray his friend doesn't remember that night.
Aritstol: I don't really see were you fucked up.
CertifiedNutso: I may have accidentally made my boyfriends friend think I want in his pants by including him in the group when we had a party. basics.
Aritstol: Ya I understood why you think you fucked up. Unless you told the guy to "put that inside me" he is a nob. Did you flirt with him?
He was probably a horny drunk idiot. Not to mention a bad friend to you and your boyfriend.
BTW what he did is sexual assault, that shit is creepy rapist status.
| 4 | 2 | |
1403378866 | 1403478883 | t3_28qpao | t5_2to41 | 104 | studyshitter: TIFU by getting shit in my roommate's text book and now I don't know what to do.
Alright, reddit, I'm coming to you asking for advice. This happened about 20 minutes ago and I'm too embarrassed to ask my friends. So I'm taking a summer course at my college and I have an exam coming up on Monday, which I'm REALLY not prepared for. We're subletting a room in our apartment for the summer to this really sweet girl who is also taking the same class as I am, but who I don't really know too well. As most of the problems and questions on the exam are taken directly from the professor's own notes and lectures, the "required" text book is more just supplementary material. I know the people of reddit realize how over priced these science text books can be, and being the broke college student that I am- I never actually purchased the book. My summer roommate, who does have the book, was nice enough to let me borrow it for a couple of hours today while she's at work. Realizing she will be home soon, and desperate to maximize my time with this book, I decided to take it in the bathroom with me to study while I take a shit (I know, I wouldn't lend a text book to me either after this...). When I'm done with my shit, I put the open book on the floor in front of me, on top of a plastic bag to be "clean" (what a joke) and so I won't ever touch it with poop hands. I must have drank too much the night before, because this was a really runny shit. Of course I run out of toilet paper. I try to get up, ever so slightly, to lean over to the cabinet under the sink next to the toilet so I can score some more TP. Well, I lost my footing a little bit and stand up more than I wanted to. A couple of large, runny poop droplets landed on the pages of the text book. She'll be back soon and I have no idea what to do. My conscience won't allow me to lie and tell her it's coffee or something. I also don't know her very well so if I tell her the truth it would be a very awkward rest of the summer for us. I'm willing to buy her a new text book, but the campus store is closed right now. I know she'll be using it within the next few days and definitely will come across/touch those pages.....Is there any way I could disinfect the pages so she isn't exposed to my shit bacteria for the next few days? Orrr should I just bite the bullet and tell her the truth?
RamonaCheckers: god, what the hell? Don't tell her the truth, jesus. Tell her you left the book at a coffee shop while studying. If you cant get it back from the coffee shop you'll buy her a new one. For the love of Gordon don't tell your new acquaintance that you shit on her text book.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Seriously DON'T TELL THEM YOU SHAT ON THEIR BOOK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
Kellerman90: This is entirely correct. Truth is massively not the answer here. If you tell her you shat in the book that's gona lead to all kinds of hell. I would dab the stains with some sort of cleaning product and a damp cloth! Then say you were eating something with splash potential!
Nowhere_Man_Forever: No just replace the book. it's the only way
| 5 | 20.8 | |
1403378732 | 1403387349 | t3_28qp56 | t5_2to41 | 21 | wrinkled_nightmares: TIFU saw century-century old tits
This happened a few years ago.
My family is staying at a cabin in Idaho. It was quite small and only had one non-master bathroom. We probably had around 10 people staying there.
After breakfast, I need to use the bathroom.
I notice the light on but expect someone just left it on and open the door any ways.
And there's my great-grandmother. 90+ years old. Topless.
"Sorry" instant red face, I'm out of there. She just glared at me.
Normally, when you use the bathroom, you lock the door. I thought everyone knew that.
SonicSurfCity: I see that your name is fitting.
Well played ol' chap!
CapgrasX13: Throwaway, I assume
| 3 | 7 | |
1403379762 | 1403409446 | t3_28qqhq | t5_2to41 | 26 | whitestass: TIFU, wore shorts that didn't fit, and mooned everyone.
I forgot to take my shorts for PE class yesterday, and had to borrow my friend's extra pair. She's a little bit bigger than me (not fat =:> I'm just small) so they were a bit loose, but I pulled the drawstring as tight as it'd go and figured I'd be okay.
So, we were playing flag football. The boys class meets in the weight room, but they'd come to the field to run laps. I managed to catch the ball and took off running, only to fall after a few steps. In another girl's attempt to grab my flags, she'd accidentally yanked my shorts down to my ankles. As luck would have it, my panties came with them.
I struggled to get my shorts and underwears back up, as my face got hotter and redder. All the girls were cheering and I think some dudes even noticed. x__x When I finally managed to get the shorts up, I ran into the locker room and just hid there, mortified. I grabbed a comb (whoever's comb it was, sorry!) and used it to get the dirt out of my pubes. (I was terrified that ants may have stowed away in them!!)
I thought about going back at one point, only to overhear some girls laughing about how pale my butt was. They said it actually glowed, like two 70-watt lightbulbs. I changed into my regular clothes and got my ghostly white ass out of there! PE's the last period of the day, so I just snuck off to my usual spot outside the school and waited for my mom to pick me up. I'm not looking forward to school on Monday.
cuntflapper1: i got kinda moist and aroused reading this
TheExcitedLamb: That is really fucking creepy.
dancingmrt: Right, and from a woman, too. I'm about 80% sure, since I can't remember the last time I was moist when I became aroused.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1403381170 | 1403416898 | t3_28qsf3 | t5_2to41 | 27 | HarryBojangles420: TIFU by shitting too fast on holiday.
lukesta72: That's bad. I hate it when the people in my fucking house can't replace the tp. It takes a minute to grab another roll from wherever kept, and put on the fucking holder.
Esscocia: I'm curious, are we just supposed to pretend like half of these posts aren't total fucking bullshit? I came here through random browsing and it seems like most submissions are all totally unbelievable.
| 3 | 9 | |
1403381514 | 1403430759 | t3_28qswd | t5_2to41 | 46 | Lucifuture: TIFU by masturbating after chopping up peppers.
I was making amazing chili with Serrano peppers, and I washed my hands after. Not well enough though because my stick is on fucking fire. Luckily I had a carton of whole milk that went bad in the garbage so I chopped the top off it to stick my burning dick in. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I am a fucking idiot.
Teotwawki69: TIL If guys always remembered to wash their hands properly and thoroughly before fapping, half the posts in this sub wouldn't exist.
justagirlio: Why do you suppose that men can't remember to wash their hand prior to masturbating? Are they idiots?
AKBlackWizard: I hardly wash before I fap, just go to town.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1403381676 | 1403506772 | t3_28qt3y | t5_2to41 | 18 | Dyesce_: TIFU by not telling reddit my e-mail-adress.
Teotwawki69: >It's composed of the first letters of a sentence.
Dyesce? Only thing I could come up with was "Do you enjoy sucking cock eagerly?"
Migratory_Locust: I guess he meant the Password. He obviously knows his nick if this one is the same with an underscore....
But I do like your interpretation.
Dyesce_: Yes of course the password. But that interpretation made me laugh :D
Dyesce is pronounced like dice.
Migratory_Locust: :) So... do you?
Dyesce_: No. Not very much. First that strain on the muscles in the cheeks and then that taste. I'll never understand why some like it.
Do you?
Teotwawki69: If you relax, you will.
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1403383004 | 1403388225 | t3_28quw9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by sharting myself
PCdiciple: Calm down, Shit happens.
Justin_Dweeber: Shart Happens
FTFY
le_mous: ..But only on Saturdays.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1403382962 | 1403557638 | t3_28quu2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | ns_throwaway: TIFU by submitting my online exam early
F&&k Blackboard!!! My instructor gave us an extra day to do the 2nd exam, I figured I could use the time for additional studying (i.e cramming). After reading and memorizing a crap load of stuff I have no interest in, but still relevant to my major and a required course to boot, I suck it up and marched forward through two days of intense studying + one all-nighter. I figured since I still have time, I can sleep in and make up for the lost of sleep from the last few days on the last day of the exam.
Anyway feeling refreshed from the sleep and recharged from two cups of coffee at 2:30 pm, I open up the exam. I got this. This 'A' is so gonna be mines or so I thought.
I starting feeling slightly lethargic, two cups of coffee were not enough, so I took a caffeine pill.
Short-answers for the first five questions. So, easy. Multiple choice questions, pft, I could do this in my sleep and then at 2:50 pm, my laptop froze. The coffee and the caffeine pill came to bite me in the ass.
I became jittery from excess energy and frustration, which made me trigger happy with the mouse and I started clicking on the screen like an utter moron and then a message popped up about Learn automatically submitting my unfinished exam for me and then it closed. Panic ensued.
The exam closed at midnight and I felt that I had enough time to get in contact with whomever to re-open my exam.
I emailed the TA, the professor, the BB technical stuff. I called his office, I contacted the dept.chair. No one responded, I called his office various times until 6. After 7, hope was lingering by a thread and by 9, I had no more hope.
If I was a better student, I would have aced my first exam, then I could have slid by with an acceptable 'C' or 'B-'. But, I'm not. I am a lazy college senior who screwed up her 2nd exam because of a stupid frozen window and no common sense.
The silver lining, is that my instructor weighs the grade. If I am able to pass the next quizzes with a perfect score and the last exam with an impossible grade of 92 or better, then I may pass this class. BUT, seeing that this is a summer course of one month and I only have one week left, there is no hope.
So, I'm feeling like the biggest idiot ever. I paid to take this class and chose to do it this summer due to the fact that I will be completing my second major in my last year.
I am so conflicted, I can withdraw because I see no hope of improvements for the last week, but it would be a total waste of $1000 or I could drop the course and consider it a learning experience. I can either suck it up and hope my instructor is lenient. There is only one extra credit offered and If I could get the full scores, it would put me into a 'C' territory, but that's counting on the fact that I do great on the quizzes and last exam.
p.s:::F-U Blackboard and burn with the fire of a thousand suns. I haven't heard back from my professor and it has been 23 hours since I emailed him the first time (I understand if he's ignoring me do to the spamming of his mailbox). I have no motivation to do the assignments for the course and the Exam Key has been released. It's great to know that I had the correct answers to the questions I've answered, but that brings little comfort. Exams are 25 points each, 75 points total, quizzes and essays make up the last 25 points. In addition, why the f**k post numbers and office hours if you're not going to be in your office. Don't do what I do. Take your exams early, in case you screw up like I did.
TLDR: I am a moron, but Blackboard is a stupid idea.
UPDATE: I passed with a C+. Professor deems his research is more important and I learned a valuable lesson late in my college career. Get things done early and never take an online class.
Sanctuaryman: Im a pretty broke person but I took out a credit card and bought a 2000$macbook to ensure something like this never happens (still paying for it) and it hasnt. 4 years of school and never had a problem with blackboard exams, So I cant agree its a bad idea. Buck I fucking hate it when professors dont get back to you, what the fuck is he doing? Is he really out saving the world that he cant answer an email? What the fuck are they paying bitchass for? And what the fuck is he doing putting short answer questions on blackboard? Hahaaaa. I had a professor who gave me the wrong course grade and he took a month to fix it. Some people just arent worth a shit, so I sympathize with you there
Voyager5555: You're an idiot if you think because your shiny mac cost $2k it can't have problems.
(Source - Mac owner and user since the 90's)
Sanctuaryman: I said I havent had problems not that I cant have problems fucknut. When the mac lets me down Ill be good and ready to call it a piece of shit.
| 4 | 2 | |
1403374606 | 1403403118 | t3_28qjdm | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by killing all of my parents plants.
They bought them and told me to make sure I water the plants so they don't die 2 weeks ago because we have guests over tomorrow.
I water them for 1 week but after going over to people's houses during the summer and staying there all day I forgot. Last night I told myself I'll wake up today early and water them.
I slept through today. I missed watering for 2 days. They finally came home from work and thanked me for watering the plants for them. Then they stepped in the backyard. Every single plant they owned was dead. A few hundred dollars worth of plants. Gone.
My parents are only home on Wednesday's for a few hours and weekend's. They water when the can.
I fucked up so much. I made my parents waste hundreds of dollars because I was too lazy to go outside for 10 minutes. We have guests tomorrow, and they don't know what to do. I'm writing this in the bathroom crying because I'm too embarrassed to go see my parents.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: I don't feel bad for you
[deleted]: I don't think anyone in the right mind would.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403384407 | 1403387954 | t3_28qwp9 | t5_2to41 | 29 | GayBBQParty: Tifu by not washing my hands well enough.
So this happened two weeks ago but I figured I'd share my idiocy. My buddy was having a cook out in his back yard and it was the first time I was seeing a bunch of people that I grew up with. After being there for a bit I was asked to head out to the store to grab stuff to make some salsa. I obliged and picked up some tomatoes, jalapeno peppers, Serrano peppers, and lastly Habanero peppers. I got back to his place, made the salsa and proceeded to drink and enjoy the evening.
A few beers deep and in the middle of a bocce ball game I had to pee. I took a few steps into the woods and did the deed. As I made it back into his yard I felt a pain on my manhood. I panicked and jumped to the conclusion that a bug had bit me, so I jammed my hand down my pants to check. At that point I realized that I was just magnifying my pain. I still had Habanero juices on my fingers and had just rubbed it all over my dick.
I ended up spending 20 minutes in my buddies shower with an ice pack on my now anngry looking dick and my own embarrassment.
Tl; Dr I accidentally rubbed Habanero pepper juice on my penis
NinjaBrain8: This story would be so much better if you started crying from the pain and tried to rub the tears out.
GayBBQParty: That was really close to happening. I like your style.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1403386743 | 1403390491 | t3_28qzui | t5_2to41 | 37 | calma_calma: TIFU by dropping a 3 year old
Before I share my story, I'd like to say that this didn't happen today.
So my Aunt, who lives outside the city, visits the whole family every once in a while. She has this adorable son, who's 3 years old, just like my sister, let's call him M. Anyways, both of them wanted to play outside, so my dad went with them. So after almost an hour of couch surfing and browsing, I decided to finally show myself and do something with my cute little cousin, so I went outside and just tried to enjoy the weather, talk, kick a ball around, just anything to entertain myself. Then M comes by and tries to tell me something, he's pointing at a basketball, then points at the net. So I tell myself "oh no biggie nothing will happen, he probably knows how to hold a ball" and proceed to lift M and let him sit on my shoulders after he picked up the basketball from the hard concrete flooring of our backyard.
He looks down and says "now?", and I tell him "yeah go ahead!". For some reason I'm only (barely) holding his legs. As soon as he attempts to lift the ball he loses balance and falls HEAD FIRST on the ground. Fuck. Shit. What the fuck do I do now!!??? Before I even make sense of the situation my whole family is running up to M, who is obviously crying, shrieking and screaming, and I'm getting told off and shouted at by about 4 people at the same time. After calming down, I went up to M to apologize and he has a lump the size of an egg on the side of his head. Thank God his mother wasn't there at the time.
TL;DR had a complete brainfart and almost opened up a 3 year old's head
mykro76: Ouch! Hopefully the kid doesn't still need baby sitting 20 years later.
calma_calma: nah he's good now thank god
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1403389988 | 1403417644 | t3_28r4go | t5_2to41 | 116 | TheTeamClinton: TIFU by turning my niece in law into a little bigot.
Okay, this might not sound as funny in text, but it was hilarious at the time. Earlier today I was helping my girlfriend babysit her nieces. Well, the littlest one is 3 or 4, and doesn't talk much. She hardly ever says a word. Well she comes up to me and starts talking out of the blue. Saying things like "You look like my daddy" and "You look like that (Some cartoon character that I don't know of) on TV".
Well after she said "You are an adult huh?" My knee jerk reaction was "No, you are". Then she said something that sounded like "No, you're a Jew". I know that is not what she said, but I found it hilarious, so I said "No, you're a Jew". So this started the back and forth of "No, you're a Jew" "No, you're a Jew" and so on and so on,
Well we get home and get settled in, and eat dinner, and start relaxing. About an hour later, we get a phone call from her brother asking "What the hell did we teach their daughter?"
Apparently, since they got home she had grabbed ahold of her speaking abilities, and started calling everyone Jews. As she was quiet, they only found out when they went to the grocery store, and she called the cashier a Jew. So now, I have accidentally produced a lil' Hitler.
TL;DR: I will not be babysitting anymore because I indirectly created a small dictator.
kittenmittens813: [Oh really?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-axJTzj0VU&feature=kp)
CrazieMexican: What the fuck did I just watch... Whatever it was it made me laugh
| 3 | 38.666667 | |
1403392580 | 1403394318 | t3_28r81v | t5_2to41 | 14 | Mailablemage: TIFU by not checking a mechanics work
This happened a few days ago (shocking i know, a TIFU thats not about today) but i didnt realize i had fucked up until about 10 minutes ago so oh well.
So last week my girlfriend and I moved to oregon, during the trip the check engine light turned on and the speedometer stopped working. Thankfully there are cell phone speedometer apps. We were able to make the trip and get settled in without any other issues with the car. On monday i took the car over to Midas to have the check engine light looked in to. The mechanic messed around in the car for about 15 minutes and came back to me and told me he couldn't find the diagnostics plug and that someone must have cut it out. The mechanic told me how to put a new one in and sent us to a junk yard that had the part.
So today i go out to install it and after looking around under the steering wheel i cant find the wire bunch where the plug was cut from, thinking this is just my ignorance about cars i decide to do a quick google search to see which one it is. Search result: the plug is behind the ashtray. Ok cool, i think, and the proceed to pull out the part from the junk yard, clean and strip the wires down, and disconnect the battery. I remove the ashtray and there of course is the diagnostics plug right where it should be. So now im out $40 plus the price of wire strippers.
steezyvape: What the shit kind of mechanic sends you to fix the issue? Was he just trying to help you save money on repairs? Also, welcome to Oregon.
Mailablemage: Yeah the part is really easy to put on so he didnt want to charge me a bunch of money for something i can do in a few minutes myself.
EDIT: and thanks its beautiful up here.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1403396458 | 1403464584 | t3_28rcrj | t5_2to41 | 378 | TitsInSpace: TIFU by shitting in my hand in front of my boyfriend
This happened a little while ago, but I thought that today, being 'shat myself Saturday', made this story appropriate to share.
Okay, let me begin by explaining why this even happened. My boyfriend has this thing where he cups a fart in his hand then 'throws' it in my face.
Here's where the story begins. One morning, after I had slept over at his house, we were cuddling in bed and talking to each other. Suddenly, he moves his hand down, cups a fart and throws it in my face. Trying to be funny and impress him, I move my hand down, as I feel like I have a fart ready to be released, and fart in my hand. Suddenly though, I realised that my hand felt wet. Absolutely mortified, I slowly bring my hand up to have a look, and surely enough, there it is. I fucking shat in my hand.
But, because I didn't want him to see, I quickly stood up, hiding my hand behind my back and tried to start moving toward his bedroom door so that I could run toward the toilet and pretend that this never happened. He then asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't speak. All I could feel was shit starting to run down my mother fucking legs. So I replied 'NOTHING' and then just ran the hell out of there, holding my legs together so that it wouldn't drip down.
And now, I have never dared to cup a fart again.
HuskyPants: A turd in hand is better than 2 in the bush.
cholong: Wait. Do girls shit from their vagoos?
SpongederpSquarefap: No but they can massage it out though there.
xKingRisin: TIL
HuskyPants: Poop palpation yo
| 6 | 63 | |
1403397799 | 1403454699 | t3_28red9 | t5_2to41 | 168 | Dumbass_teen: TIFU by preparing to jerk off
So, my parents were going out tonight, and since I'm a 16 year old boy I did what any other teenage boy does. I prepared to beat my dick and raid the alcohol.
Earlier on in the evening I visited my favourite porn sites and loaded all the videos in incognito tabs ready for the evening. Later on, after some alcohol I decided that Omegle was a good idea. I visited Omegle and ended up in a three hour conversation with a danish girl. Lovely girl, but that's beside the point.
By the time the conversation had ended, the porn had completely slipped my mind. My parents came home around half an hour later. I was still sitting at the table on my laptop. My dad came over and asked me to look up directions for a university open day we're going to tomorrow. Without thinking, I clicked the chrome icon, revealing a fat black booty to my dad. Before I could even process what had just happened, I let out an incredibly casual "Oh" and closed the window. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realised what I'd just done. I began to turn red. Very red. Luckily my dad didn't say anything, but now I have to spend the whole day with him tomorrow, and now he knows what porn I like. Fml.
TL;DR: I accidentally opened up a duck ton of porn in front of my dad, and now he knows I like big black booties.
ADozenDUIs: When your dad was 16, he raided the woods looking for porn
Dumbass_teen: Thanks for telling me about my dad's porn habits. Easily top 3 things I never wanted to hear about.
Syephous: *Pffft*... you think *that's* bad? You should try listening to your drunk dad try to talk seriously about how he eats out his girlfriend.
Dumbass_teen: I'd rather not try that tbh. I'll leave that to you.
Syephous: Your life is better that way.
| 6 | 28 | |
1403396625 | 1403457941 | t3_28rczu | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by Accidentally Ignoring a Kid with Down Syndrome
This actually happened last week.
I was out to dinner for my dad's birthday at a fairly nice restaurant. We snuck in just before the dinner rush because we had a large party. After our orders were taken, I had to take a piss. I went through the lobby, noticing the growing crowd, to the restrooms. I walk up to a urinal and hear someone in one of the stalls flush and head to the sinks. I then hear the voice of a kid, maybe 10-12 years old saying "Hello! Helloooo! Hullo!" At first I thought he was just a kid messing around. I couldn't see him since there was a partition between the urinals and the sinks.
I finish up and turn the corner to the sinks and I notice this kid staring at me. He obviously had Down Syndrome, so I just smiled and started washing my hands. He stared at me for a bit then says "Hello." again. I smiled at him and say hello back. He then gets this devilish grin and heads out of the bathroom.
Thinking nothing of it, I dry my hands and exit the restroom. I immediately notice the lobby is jam packed with people. In the center of all these people, I see my friend from the restrooms. He has this horrified look on his face, points at me, and lets out this terrible scream and runs off back to his table. I almost had a panick attack when everyone in the lobby started shooting me disapproving looks, like I might have just abused this kid with Down Syndrome in the bathroom.
I put my head down and head back to my table, completely embarrassed and beat red. My girlfriend and sister both notice and start asking me what is wrong. I'm about to explain it to them when I notice my friend at the table across from ours, swinging his legs, taking a bite of some chicken and smiling at me. He gives me this huge wave and blows a kiss to me. I couldn't help but laugh and give him a thumbs up when I realized he just trolled the shit out of me.
CodBruceLee360: I'm confused so did the kid actually have Down syndrome and trolled u or did he just guck with you and not actually have a disorder
forgotmyfuckingname: He would have had Down syndrome and been trolling the guy. Down syndrome is a disease where extra chromosomal pairings are added to a persons genetic code, which, besides lowered intelligence, and sometimes degraded motor skills, also leads to physical differences such as petite, childish facial features, and sometimes extreme double-jointedness.
TL;DR- kid had Down syndrome, you can literally see it on their faces.
CodBruceLee360: Thank you for the clarification
| 4 | 13 | |
1403382673 | 1403433124 | t3_28qugv | t5_2to41 | 18 | PsychedelicSheep: TIFU by trying to hitchhike to Paris
It was about this time last year, and I was travelling through France. I was staying with a family in central France, not far from Limoges. I'd never hitchhiked before, and I wanted to try and hitch a ride from Limoges to Paris.
It didn't start well. I stupidly decided the highway was a good place to hitchhike. Surprisingly, it wasn't. Within an hour, the gendarmes (french police) pulled up. They wagged their fingers at me and started shouting at me in french. They tell me to get in. Once I'm in the car, they asked me if I'm crazy, whilst making wild hand gestures, and tell me I can't be on the highway. So, they kindly give me a lift back into Limoges, and to the train station.
I got the train to Paris and arrived there at about 10pm. I, for some silly reason, hadn't booked accommodation, so I rushed to try and find a hotel and walked a long way. It got to midnight, I was wandering the streets, my feet covered in blisters and I still hadn't found anywhere.
So I gave up, hopped over a tall stone wall, and slept for 5 hours under a bush, and was woken up at 5.30am by someone shouting at me in french to move on...
I did make it to a completely deserted Eiffel Tower for sunrise. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
TL;DR Tried to hitch a ride to Paris, was too late to find somewhere to stay, slept on the street.
cannonman1863: A little trouble, but sounds like a great memory came of it all.
PsychedelicSheep: I was quite scared at the time to be honest! But in hindsight, a good/funny memory!
| 3 | 6 | |
1403402839 | 1403426030 | t3_28rkha | t5_2to41 | 14 | Thisladylovesyou: Tifu by leaving work
So I work as a waitress. Basically I got in trouble for finishing my work on time. Because my coworkers didnt, the dish washers' boss wanted us to stay after and help them because we took too long busing tables. I told him I couldn't because I had to walk home and its a far walk. So I said I cant. And he said he doesnt care and I did his workers wrong so I had to stay.. I left. My boss wasn't there but I know he will tell them. Reddit, I might lose my job. I fucked up.
snowboarders: The whole "team" thing that managers have been pushing is getting a little ridiculous. Sounds like my job (not a waitress) where the only reason there needs to be a team environment is because other people are lazy.
I agree with the other comment, if you do lose this job there's certainly something better out there than this.
Thisladylovesyou: He isn't even my manager! Thanks (:
Aroth_Khashar: Having worked in a restaurant as a server, busser, and dishwasher, there is nothing they can do to make you stay and help the BoH finish their job when you work FoH. There is a reason you are paid $2.45 an hour and they are paid $10 an hour and that's because they work later and work when there is no tips coming in.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1403400956 | 1403403776 | t3_28ri3w | t5_2to41 | 8 | HankyPankyMilk: TIFU by racially profiling... 😁
StJimmysAddiction: Sounds to me like they thought you were just being friendly and saying hi while you waited.
HankyPankyMilk: Yes, I agree.. I don't think they caught on. BUT I still feel embarrassed for making the assumption.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403409211 | 1403478846 | t3_28rrue | t5_2to41 | 14 | The_Anal_Intruder: TIFU by getting morning wood at work
Today was my first monthly night shift at work. I was riding my downhill bike all day yesterday and then went directly to work. At 5 AM I was exhausted, and kinda just leaned back on my computer seat, and 5 minutes later I was sleeping.
Until my coworker came to work, and woke me up. She was standing in front of me, and I was glad to see her, but my friend was just so excited, that he wanted to come out or something.
Anyway, she saw, and so did the cleaning lady. There was some moments of awkwardness, and I went home.
ecclectic: Why, why do people completely fail to understand human biology and that, in males, erections happen. For pretty much any god-damn reason.
Move your legs to get comfortable? that's an erection.
Lean back to get something? That's an erection.
Wake up from a nap, or anytime your body may have been regenerating systems? Well, that;s likely going to be an erection.
It. Just. Happens. Except when it doesn't which is typically the *only* time you actually want it to.
Deuce1196: It's natural yes, but that doesn't make it any less awkward when a person you don't really know gets a look at your johnson
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1403407586 | 1403429356 | t3_28rq2n | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by "M'lady"-ing.
Well here it goes. I was at the mall earlier with some friends and we were about to walk through the front doors that automatically opens, a girl who I have a good bit in common was walking beside me and we both couldn't fit through so jokingly I say "M'lady." And wait back just a sec. She didn't say anything and just kinda had a look on her face. I thought she would understand it was a joke... But I don't think she did.
I don't think it made too big of an impression because she didn't say anything. Hopefully...
PartTimeBarbarian: You know how internet famous doesn't equate to real-world famous?
Similarly, always assume no one will understand internet jokes.
Aroth_Khashar: ... That's not an internet joke. That was poking fun at overly "chivalrous" men who actually do that sort of thing.
PartTimeBarbarian: So? Anyone who isn't involved with "internet culture" would have no idea that he was making a joke.
Hence, internet joke.
Aroth_Khashar: Except its NOT an internet culture thing. My grandfather has done that with my grandmother before. (She actually doesn't like people holding the door for her, always does things for herself.)
PartTimeBarbarian: Exactly. OP wrongly expected this knee-jerk reaction joke to be understood on the extra level of satire we've given "m'lady".
Would she have understood its comedic value if she thought for a second? Yes. But she never would have understood the comedically loaded phrase he intended it to be.
Aroth_Khashar: Fair enough. I would venture to guess, however, that OP had reason to believe the girl in question would get whatever reference he was trying to make based on the them having "a good bit in common", though it's entirely possible that said observation was flawed from the get go.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1403409350 | 1403431315 | t3_28rs0m | t5_2to41 | 4 | Badluckthrowaway588: TIFU by trying to do a nice thing and ended up getting robbed :)
Trying to be optimistic but we'll shit happens
Pretty much I was just getting my little nephew a ps4 bought it lost the recibt and found out another member of the family was getting him same thing so I asked him what he wanted he said money so I hoped on Craigslist got an offer right away , and I decide to give him the money out of my pocket so I can go home after the deal, 3 black guys came up , checked it out said "you good" ran away and I'm no small fellow so I decided to chase them and at least grab it , NOPE pulls out gun and I decided my life is worth more than money , so I'm down 800 yay no I'll defiantly not fix up my truck :) trying too stay optimistic ...
GiraffeRaging: Should have just noped the fuck out of that.
Come on, lets all be honest, you can look at someone and know if they're someone who would do something like that..
fuckass_dickhair: because all black guys are criminals
PartTimeBarbarian: You're so dense the glass on my phone just shattered from your gravitational pull.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403409742 | 1403462502 | t3_28rsh2 | t5_2to41 | -2 | lol_that_dog: TIFU by getting mad at my ex-girlfriend
so the other day, like 3 years ago, i was at my appartment with my gf and our puppy. the puppy he didnt know how to piss/shit outside so he always did it inside like a fucker. one day he shat yet another time on the floor and i go see the gf and im like you need to teach that fucking dog to shit outside plz. and shes like ahh its ok its just a baby he will learn just gonna take some time. but i was really mad since that wasnt the first time. so i raged more and it escalates and i decide to drop my pants and shit on the floor (we were in the kitchen). so i push and shit in front of her and she's like "WTF?". so i'm satisfied and laughing a bit and i stand up to go wash my ass. but at this moment, the dog enters the room sprinting and goes straight for the shit and eats it in front of us. so my girlfriend is fucking being traumatised but after like 5 sec she can move again and goes to stop the dog and grabs it in her arms. but the dog hes a licker and he always tries to lick your face and hes pretty quick [the dog](http://imgur.com/EkBHxsb). so yeah he turns its head real fast and licks her in the face. i ROFLed at her and went to the bathroom to finish my needs. i dont remember who cleaned up the shit in the kitchen.
NyanDerp: Oh God, get rid of that thing, I've never liked smooshed faced dogs (pugs, pitbulls, bull dogs, etc.) and especially if it keeps pooping/urinating on the floor. Actually pooping on your floor was way over the top, though
The_Hand_of_Sithis: If it pooping and peeing on the floor past a few week, the owners are the ones who are fucked up. Learn to properly take care of your animals people. Pits should not have the pushed in snouts btw.
NyanDerp: Exactly
| 4 | -0.5 | |
1403409790 | 1403452804 | t3_28rsjp | t5_2to41 | 1,943 | Winendinen69: TIFU by masturbating with my mom sitting next to me (NSFW)
This didn't happen today, but I had just come to terms with it because of how mortified I have been in front of my mom since it has happened.
This happened when I was 12 and I (female) had just figured out what masturbating was and how good it felt just touching it. It hadn't quite registered to me yet that masturbation is an activity that you don't do with other people in the room. Yeah, I was one of those kind of people.
One day, when my mom and I were watching TV together, I went to go grab a blanket because it was starting to get cold. As I put it on over my legs, I thought to myself "right now seems like a good time to start touching myself". So as my mom and I are watching TV, I start going at it. It is quite obvious what is going on, as the blanket that is covering me looks as though it is being ravaged by a crazy animal.
My mom quickly realized what was going on and just stared at me with wide-eyes and grabbed my arm and jerked it up. After I stared at her, not realizing that masturbating while sitting next to my mom is not the best thing to do, she calls my dad in the room so she can tell me that it's normal to do, but not with her there.
My face turned as red as Flamin' Hot Cheetos fingers and I ran to my room and wasn't able to make eye contact with her for about a year afterwards. I have managed to keep it repressed up until recently, where I still cringe every time.
TL;DR: started stabbing the cat with my mom in the room
GlitteredCunt: One time during my senior year a girl started masturbating in class
Very very loudly
She was hideous
And near the end, she took her disgustingly wet hand, raised it, and said "I need to go finish in the bathroom" and walked out.
We were horrified.
JSherredUK: Similar story.
Me and my mate in college doing work as you do in college. The girl that sits next to my mate walks in a bit late. She then shouts fanny flaps. She was drunk. Well about 10 minutes later we see the guy sitting across the room looking over and slumped really far down in his chair, fair enough it was a boring class. Soon after my mate is trying his best not to burst out laughing he nudges me but cannot stop laughing so he starts to right on a bit of paper " ploughing " and an arrow. I look over and sure enough the drunk girl is rubbing one out in class whilst the guy across the room is watching.
Best lesson ever.
iGottadropaduce: So is "ploughing" a synonym for masturbating?
JSherredUK: Yep. Enjoy.
Bigpinkbackboob: Huh... Where I live "ploughing" means sex i.e. "he was ploughing her all night"
iGottadropaduce: Are you mispronouncing it and thinking of "plowing?"
KrazyA1pha: Excuse my ignorance, but how would one pronounce "ploughing"?
iGottadropaduce: I was pronouncing it like "ploofing." Am I wrong?
LeMoofinateur: Ploofing. .. awesome. Also, here's a linguistic curveball: there's a village near me called "Brough". I don't even know how to say it. Bruff? Broo? Brow?
iGottadropaduce: Apparently "ploughing" is pronounced like "plowing" so I'm going to assume "brough" is pronounced like "brow."
LeMoofinateur: Apparently not. "Bruff" is supposedly correct, as in "tough" but no-one's really sure.
iGottadropaduce: The English language has stumped us all again
| 13 | 149.461538 | |
1403410895 | 1403550344 | t3_28rts8 | t5_2to41 | 42 | ohmally: TIFU by swimming nude in a pool that isn't clothing optional
I've been considering posting this fuck up for a couple of weeks now, and have finally summoned the courage to do so. For a bit of context, I'm pretty shy and hardly ever step out of my comfort zone to experience new things. I told myself that this summer I would make a conscious effort to try new things, and to have a bit of fun since I don't have to study right now.
Anyways, my family and I were vacationing at a resort, and at this resort there was a very nice spa. I decided to go to the spa one day, and upon arrival I was given a tour. The staff woman shows me all of the areas; a women's area, a men's area, and a co-ed swimming pool. She tells me that clothing is optional, but doesn't clarify that it's only optional in each gender's separate areas. As in, clothing isn't optional at the co-ed pool. After my tour, I head out to the pool. Then I think to myself, "Yeah ohmally, you should try new things! You should swim naked laps in this co-ed pool! That'll be great!" I stripped down and swam several laps, receiving smiles and winks the entire time. I thought those people were just really nice. I left the spa feeling brave.
Later that day, my mom went to the spa and was given the same tour that I was given. My mom came to me that night and told me that her tour guide had stressed to her that "clothing is required in the co-ed pool" and "a young woman misunderstood our policy this morning". Sufficed to say, I don't think trying new things is for me.
TL;DR: I swam nude in a co-ed pool, and had to find out from my mother that I had been ass naked in a pool that required clothes. Humiliation ensued.
EChondo: You had the courage to be naked in a coed area. What's so wrong about that? Because it's in the rules?
Absolutely nothing is wrong in this situation, you got winks and smiles from the people there. They probably saw a rather rebellious young lady showing off her body.
Congrats to you, be comfortable with who you are.
ohmally: Thank you for the kind words. After posting this I'm realizing that I shouldn't be all that embarrassed. I'm actually feeling bad ass for being ballsy.
Erocitnam: Good for you, Glen Coco!
ohmally: aaaaand none for Gretchen Wieners!
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1403411898 | 1403435570 | t3_28ruvu | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking one question
Back Story: Over the past year I became really good friends with two girls, Sam and Emily (names changed), who have already been good friends for around 10 years. We started hanging out 2 to 5 times each week for hours at a time and talking each night until we fell asleep. Sometime around February, Sam got mad at Emily for some reason beyond me, something about being jealous that more people seemed to like Emily more than her. I took Emily's side and only hung out with her for a couple of weeks, during which I developed a small crush on her. I kept those feelings mostly to myself because it would only anger Sam more and I wasn't interested in starting a relationship at the time. They made up but I soon found out Sam had a crush on me. I didn't feel the same way for many reasons and have rejected her **four times** since she first told me, twice in person. She's been persistent. During that time the three of us still remained close friends and hung out often, until yesterday.
Fuck Up: I recently thought Sam moved on since I've told her so many times we won't be a thing. In the past few weeks my feelings for Emily grew stronger and I decided I finally wanted a relationship. Yesterday, I asked Emily out on a date. At first she thought I was kidding, but as I insisted I was serious she became sad, saying "Do you know how mad Sam would be?" Apparently Sam still liked me, a lot. So much so that she was in denial and thought I was hiding my feelings for her. Of course she finds out and now Sam is pissed Emily, Emily is pissed at me, and I'm pissed at Sam because it seemed like Emily would have said yes otherwise. It's just one big pissing triangle. We had plans Monday that are now cancelled and I'm not sure we'll be able to recover from this, they both won't talk to me.
They're also both redditors but don't know my username, hopefully they don't find this.
**tl;dr**: Asked out best friend, her friend got jealous, now we're all swimming in piss.
EDIT: Emily started talking to me again, still mad. I suggested a threesome and she was not amused.
thismightbemymain: Easy solution!
Tell Sam you're gay, get Emily to get a sex change into a dude.
Get into a gay relationship with Emily (who will now be named Mike). After a few years of having gay sex with Mike, slowly start getting his genitals reversed to female!
Remove one testicle, wait for a few months. Remove the next testicle, wait for a few months. Remove the penis, wait for a few months. Get Mike to start shaving more often, make the changes very subtle so Sam doesn't realise. After 5 or 10 years Mike will be Emily again and Sam won't have noticed.
One complication is if Sam becomes Samuel. If this happens you may have to enter a three way relationship and have double gay sex for a few years before Mike can be Emily again, then you can make a big reveal "tada! MIKE IS EMILY! oh yeah Samuel, I'm not gay anymore" and then you and Emily can live happily ever after with a new male best friend!
The issues arise when Sam starts following the gender surgeries of Emily and copies them, but due to a waiting list Sam will always be behind and you will simply be known as "crazy fluid sexuality guy" when you switch from looking men to women to men to women to men to women!
TL;DR - learn to suck dick, cause Emily has got to have one. It's the only way
[deleted]: Actually in ftm hormone treatment the only real penis they get is a micropenis. Basically the clit grows into like a one inch penis.
SquiddyTheMouse: I think they can also graft muscle onto the erectile tissue of the clitoris to turn it into a slightly larger, but still not very functional penis.
[deleted]: TIL I'll keep that in mind if I ever want a penis
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1403416918 | 1403514280 | t3_28rzrj | t5_2to41 | 785 | [deleted]: TIFU by sticking my dick in the freezer (NSFW)
Ok so this happened about 5 years ago but I recently discovers this subreddit.
So alone, 15 year old, hormone crazed me asks himself "I wonder what it's like for my dick to be ice cold." So I stuck my dick in the freezer and saw some ice on the little shelf thingy and say "what the hell" and stick my dick on the ice cube tray full of ice cubes. At first it was a cool sensation and I kinda liked it by after about 7 seconds I couldn't hold it on there any longer and rip it off. This was a very, very bad decision. The whole bottom skin of my penis (not circumcised) is gone. Just gone. Blood everywhere, oh god the blood. I start freaking out and looking paper towel, toilet paper, hell a rag would have been nice, but no, I just cup all the blood and my penis with my hands, running in circles not knowing what to do. So you know what I do, I rub it all over the table looking for something to clean it with. And If I couldn't get any worse my parents walk in the door. I went fuckin ninja here man I don't know how I did this but in the span of 10 or 15 seconds I put on my pants, grab a knife from the knife drawer cut my hand (for explanation reasons,) throw all the ice out, and keep my cool together. My parents then ask why there is blood everywhere and I say I cut myself trying to slice an apple. After, I ran upstairs as fast as I could and clean myself up. To this day I hope they bought my lies and never knew about my sliced cock.
Tl;dr: stuck my dick on some ice, blood was everywhere, lied to my parents.
robbo101: Just proving once and for all that there are no limits to how far someone will go to stop their parents from discovering their masturbation habits
BeeDelly: Nothing is worse then when you hear your parents coming when you're mid jerk.
Too many close encounters, too many.
[deleted]: Once I literally finished 5 seconds before my mom opened the door.
ICantFindUsername: Literally?
[deleted]: Yup right into toilet paper flushed it am just as I closed the toilet lid my mom opens door.
CarbonatedSmoke: Your mom just walks into the bathroom while you're in there? That sucks, man.
[deleted]: She says open the door and if I don't in like 2 seconds she just opens it. I have had too many close calls. I have learned the technique of smart phone and "taking a shower" ( I do afterwards to feel clean)
CarbonatedSmoke: Why does she need to walk in when you're in there? Privacy is a thing.
[deleted]: Sometimes she needs to grab shit like toilet paper or soap or something. It gets annoying sometimes but I can deal with it
[deleted]: Can't you tell her you taking shit?
[deleted]: That has a 50/50 effect. Sometimes she really needs to come and get something other times she'll nope the fuck out of that.
| 12 | 65.416667 | |
1403420230 | 1403420720 | t3_28s2i0 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU because Ambien
Okay, so I've been taking Ambien for three weeks now because of sleeping troubles. Usually takes about 2-4 hours for me to fall asleep without it, like 20 minutes with it.
Last night, I took my prescribed dosage (1 10mg pill) and went to bed. For some reason, I couldn't fall asleep, though I usually can. After thirty minutes, I was tired of it and took a pill and a half. Mistake.
I decided to lay in bed and read a bit. Read for like 20 minutes and then I realized the words were in Spanish. I took Spanish for like 2 years in high school and know very little now, but I could understand it perfectly.
I got super confused because I don't speak Spanish and put the book down on my bedside table. But the bedside table was really short now and I had to reach down off my now 6 foot tall bed to put it there. I almost fell off.
Then I got off the bed and decided to walk around for some reason. But I felt like someone was following me and I thought it was my roommate so I spun around REALLY QUICK and i felt like she just jumped out of view so I ran to her room but I got lost? and ended up in the kitchen. Tried to get to her room again and actually made it there but the door was like open-closed like when I tried to get in it was closed and when I just stood there it was open. So I banged on the door for what I thought was like an hour and then left and that's all I remember.
Woke up the next morning to see her just sitting on the couch in the living area. I'm on the floor. I'm like WTF is happening and she like kicks me in the ass. It's like 4 am. She was really mad and scared at me and I'm still not 100% what I did. Fucking hell.
3209explosion: Seriously wtf.
amandalanda: Ambien man.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403417531 | 1403531795 | t3_28s0a1 | t5_2to41 | 35 | throwaway012375: TIFU by jilling after giving my gf an Icy Hot back rub
GF had a long day at work and her back was hurting. I rubbed her down with Icy Hot to help with the ache. Afterwards I was feeling pretty "inspired" but she wasn't into it. No big. Once she went to sleep I washed my hands like three times and went to town. Didn't matter. Now my cooch is burning.
TL;DR it happens to chicks too.
MonsterPartyX: Seems like she gave you the cold shoulder.
Giibbsey: But he had the hot touch.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1403421731 | 1403422926 | t3_28s3me | t5_2to41 | 4 | Bluebuds: TIFU by undertipping the bartender as a member of the service industry.
I work as a server. I always make a point to tip my waitstaff well. Today I fucked up. I ordered a drink and a six-pack to go at the bar simultaneously as my first order. I wasn't planning on staying at the bar at all, but I saw people I knew and sat down to talk. I put down a five on the bar as a tip for those two. Now, I was asked if i wanted a second drink also, and I said yes, since I was deep in conversation. What i did not realize was that the bartender cashed that drink out of what i had meant to be my overall tip, since i didn't realize I was going to order the second drink. So I ended up tipping $2 on the two drinks and the to-go beer. It's not the worst tip in the world or anything, but I meant to leave $7 overall. I'll be returning to explain myself and sure up in short order, but this made me very, very sad as a service industry member when I realized what i had done.
Edit: I know this may seem very minor to some of you, but for a service industry employee, it's sort of embarrassing and heartbreaking to break the prime directive of service.
burnthisjointdown: It's all good man, I'm service industry and I've had similar situations before. If you're a regular that always tips well then they'll most likely know it was an accident and won't hold it against you. Worst case scenario, they think you just had a really shitty night and can't afford the normal 50-100% tip that you normally give. Hope this helps
Bluebuds: Hard to explain how bad it feels to try to tip well and it ends up wrong. I can afford it. I'm going to make it right one way or the other. I'm sure they know it's an accident.
Edit: yes, I always tip well. anywhere from 25% to 100% depending on what i'm doing and asking for. I couldn't believe myself on this one. I was just not paying attention.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403389627 | 1403638610 | t3_28r3ya | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by adding vanilla extract
Before I get started, this major fuck up occurred about a year ago. At the time, I didn't really know about reddit, let alone /r/tifu.
It was the second day of my scout camp competition thingy. My patrol, behind, but in a position where we could easily get into second place if we won our final competition. This competition being the dinner / desert cook off.
Our patrol was there. Ready to tell me what to do. They told me to put the ingredients together, and create the batter for these crepes. A few eggs, and some pancake mix later, we were ready to start the first crepe in the batch. I pour it onto our pan. . . . and nothing.
We sat around watching it for 30 minutes, just bubbling, but staying as raw as ever before. I then look down to realize that I forgot to put the flower into the crepe batter.
I quickly go to pour this heaping mess of soupy pancake away, and then mix in the flour. Then I passed the batter off to my friend to cook all of these crepes.
When we finished with cooking two of these crepes, one of my other friends decided to taste one of the newly finished crepes. The friend says that we need more vanilla extract.
I quickly ducked down and picked up the bottle of vanilla extract. I poured some vanilla into the batter. Then, I poured some vanilla onto the pan currently cooking our third crepe.
The vanilla extract hit the pan, and then flames started to shoot up. A massive fireball soaring into the air. I then look up to see that our dining fly was on fire. We were surrounded by the flames. The hair on my arms, completely burned off. Our pan, messed up and un usable. Our chances of winning this cooking contest, nonexistant.
And that is the story of how I lost my privilege to cook on scout camping trips.
TL;DR: went down, down, down, as the flames went higher
BobbyHillPD: As a pyromaniac, vanilla extract contains neither the proper alcohol percent nor the total volume (unless you threw about a cup) to set any sort of fire.
[deleted]: I was pouring straight out of the bottle with no measuring or care. I think that it might be about 4 cups, but I don't know
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403426240 | 1403437186 | t3_28s6qz | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by going underground
Hi Reddit. I've been waiting for a chance to submit a fuck up, but now that it has happened, I'm feeling quite conflicted.
Today, for the first time ever, I went underground. Specifically, the Ape Cave, which is a popular tourist attraction in Washington State, and it is basically a 3.5 mile long lava tube, enter on one end, get back out on the other end, no exits in between.
So, I get down there, and since I consider myself a half-decent climber, I decide to take the upper path, which was marked difficult, as opposed to the family path, marked easy.
Before I continue the story, I'd like to ask any of you if you have ever experienced true darkness. You can't see the hand in front of your face, or anything at all. Literally no light. It is petrifying.
About half way through the cave, with only my dim headlamp, I look up and around, like I had several times before, except this time I made the realization that I was underground, and if I wanted to leave right now, that there was nothing I could do about it. I started hyperventilating, and getting sick. I managed to suppress it all after a bit and trudged onward, shaking and afraid, for no good reason. Other hikers passed me occasionally, which I found mild comfort in, but they often passed quickly. Then, towards the end of the cave, the pat started to narrow out, quite drastically. I had to crawl and squeeze through parts of this dreadful cavern, feeling the freezing, moist walls against my skin, almost crying at this point.
Anyway, I made it out of the cave intact, but visibly shaken and distraught. The exit was the most beautiful sight I've seen in my entire life. But I have a problem. Ever since I emerged, I still feel like I'm stuck in that horrible, awful cave. I still feel sick and my head is racing. I hope it passes eventually, but that trip was the worst thing I have ever done in my entire life, and definitely the biggest fuck up.
[deleted]: I like the usage of the word moist.
KelRen: It sounds pornographic.
[deleted]: Are you judging my fetish for rock porn? It gets me... ROCK HARD!
KelRen: Geology Rocks!
| 5 | 7 | |
1403416685 | 1403464985 | t3_28rzkc | t5_2to41 | 82 | dkkluck: TIFU for "flirting" with my girlfriend's sister
A few days ago, I had to help my girlfriend's sister pick up some stuff for her new apartment. After we hauled it all inside, we decided to grab dinner.
We were just chatting and it was a pretty casual place. About ¾ in to the meal, I remembered that I owed her like $20 for something unrelated and said I would pay for her dinner. She made a joke about how I wasn’t getting lucky and for the last bit of the meal we kept calling each other sweetums and saying really romantic shit.
It was pretty funny until we started to leave. We get up from our table and turn to go and she realizes that one of her coworkers was sitting at the table behind her. He greets her extremely awkwardly and makes a comment that strongly implied that we were together. It’s a pretty loud restaurant but he probably heard enough snippets to think that we were together. We should have corrected him then, but we were halfway out the door and I didn’t even process what he said until I was at the car.
GF’s sister was freaking out and kind of upset. Turns out she was pretty into that coworker, and feels like he was never going to ask her out after this. Whoops.
holnrew: Might as well have sex with her at this point.
pheipl: You'd be doing her a favor!
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1403414255 | 1403472600 | t3_28rxa7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | bunnybinta: TIFU by buying my phone online
So I live in Dominican Republic, I used live in New York . I recently bought a samsung galaxy 5 from amazon and little did I know that you need to pay tax to get it . It's like a 100 dollars more and I don't have the money . So now I'm broke and screwed .
steezyvape: Dude, you have to learn your taxes when dealing with international mail. Did you know you can get charged a tax when shipping things from Canada to the US? I didn't. Luckily the guy I bought from was a friend and marked it a gift to circumvent that issue.
Do some research so that next time you know what to expect. Still sucks about your phone though, sorry to hear that.
bunnybinta: Now I learn ..... Thank god my uncle said he'll pay for it .
| 3 | 1 | |
1403436273 | 1405445027 | t3_28sd0t | t5_2to41 | 16,776 | jaytune: TIFU fingering my wife.
So today I was sitting on my couch enjoying some Jalapeño Kettle Chips when my wife walked in the living room.
fbifriday: The most clear and concise TIFU. One that needs no more than the title and one sentence to send everyone cringing at how bad you fucked up. Congrats.
jaytune: Any more words would have done no justice to my situation.
richardwang5000: Curious of your wife's spicy repercussions against you.
itsinthebone: I'm sure she's burning with rage
Nerd_Swag: #NOICE
SuperBattleFranky37: put a space before the tictactoe sign.
#NOICE
Unwright: >tictactoe sign
...
Well, I guess you're not wrong. Carry on.
bjackman: Twitter should call them tictactoetags
yonthickie: Except that it is only called tictactoe in US so it would not be funny or clear to anyone else. We are already confused enough by the name of "pound key" when it is obviously not one .
alleigh25: Tic-tac-toe is called naughts and crosses elsewhere, right? What did you call the # symbol on a phone, if it wasn't a pound key?
Kadmos: The # is called "hash", since £ is the "Pound"
alleigh25: That makes sense, since it's called a hashtag on Twitter. I've never heard anyone call it that here, but I imagine it happens, unless whoever decided to call them hashtags wasn't American.
depricatedzero: It's actually just computer jargon. There are specific names for symbols so that they are easier to identify when referring to them
~ twiddle
! bang
# hash
^ hat
` prime
* splat
/ whack
\ slosh
{} braces
[] square brackets
() round brackets
<> angle brackets
the "windows key" is also called the super key
boxmein: Windows key is the Super key because Linux uses it as a Super key.
Also, I've heard () being called parentheses (parens for short), and square brackets being just brackets. Braces could also be called curly braces, to emphasize the curl.
depricatedzero: indeed, there's a plethora of names for them. The important part is being able to tell what someone is talking about though. If you said curly braces or curly brackets I wouldn't bat an eye, I'd know just what you meant. But if I were to say forwardslash you might wonder if I meant / or \ - and even describing it as "the one that slants to the right" is terribly ambiguous. If you said pointy bracket/braces though I might think you meant <> even though you meant the point on the curl
boxmein: If when writing, text moves to the right, as is standard on the internet, then we can imply that right is the 'forward' direction, and a forward slash leans forward, while a backslash leans back.
...at least that's how I think of forward/back slashes.
hbgoddard: But the confusion comes from whether it goes forward from top to bottom or bottom to top.
boxmein: I associate the "forward leaning" with [this](http://puu.sh/acAhH/bf1121dced.PNG) for no real reason, but I don't think I'm alone in that.
| 19 | 882.947368 | |
1403438463 | 1403455833 | t3_28sefg | t5_2to41 | 14 | lannistertifu: TIFU by mixing free drugs and incest
doomsawce: You know Molly can be injested orally...
lannistertifu: Yes, but it's a different experience. I know.
doomsawce: Then why not hotrail it
lannistertifu: Hotrail?
doomsawce: Take a metal tube (or glass) like a little one hitter. Heat one end till it's glowing the snort through it. Heat turns everything to vapor.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1403439862 | 1403512150 | t3_28sffu | t5_2to41 | 53 | DJSCR3W: TIFU by laughing at my SO while she almost drowned
First post so why not post it to TIFU?
My SO, her nephews and I were all swimming for an hour or so. It was about time to get out so the kids get out the pool first and head into the house. Im busy taking out the pool toys from the pool and my SO is climbing the ladder to get out as well. As I am grabbing the toys she is at the top of the ladder when she screams "OH MY GOD", she quickly climbs down the ladder and falls into the pool. I thought it was a bee or some sort of bug that was on her so she jumped in, I payed no mind. I start walking next to the ladder so I can softly toss the toys on the ground. I look down into the water and I start laughing because I still see her down there, but shes not moving. Like Pokemon paralyzed. So I grab her hand and pull her up to surface, Im laughing my fucking ass off because of the look on her face and she is hysterically crying. Im laughing so hard I almost pissed in the pool, she finally tells me she caught a charlie horse in her legs and she cant move because it hurts. I had no clue that charlie horses hurt that much, so here I am trying to hold my SO's head above water so she doesnt drown while holding her body straight so she can feel better. 10 minutes later her legs stop hurting and she thanks me for helping her.
She is fine now but Im not sure if I should feel like a hero for helping her or a dumbass for laughing at her while she was under water.
TL;DR: My SO caught a charlie horse, fell into the pool and almost drowned so I laughed at her untill I realized after pulling her up from the water that she was in pain.
IdiotFromFarAway: Sorry if I appear daft, but what is a charlie horse? Is that like a cramp or what?
DJSCR3W: Yeah I think so, never had one tho.
Gekopoiss: I get them occasionally. Just so you know, they're that painful that I couldn't imagine moving my body in any way even if I needed to.
pewp_dollar: I get them occasionally as well, but most of the time it's in the pool. I wonder what the reason for that is...
Gekopoiss: Sudden change of temperature most likely.
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1403438794 | 1403456762 | t3_28seo0 | t5_2to41 | 18 | The_Real_Shaggy: TIFU by running a red light on my motorcycle
Me and my GF had got into a small fight before she left for work so an hour before she was supposed to get off i went to the mall and sat in front of the store reading a book. 3 hours after she was supposed to get off she finally comes out and we talk for a bit but by this point it was already thundering and rain was coming. I get on my bike she gets in my car and we proceed to drive home with me following her cause i realized one of my brake lights was out. Where about 2 minutes from the house and i decide to pass her as i felt the rain start to sprinkle. Right after i pass her and know she behind me for some reason i wasn't paying attention and as soon as i look up i notice the light is red but by this point its to late to stop i'm right over the line especially with the road being the slickest from the light raid and drizzle so i'm passing through it i look to my left and i see a car coming from the 4 way intersection and i have honestly no idea how i did not get hit or if i would of hit the breaks i would of been right in its path or even if i was 1 second later i would of been hit head on from the side. I make it through and proceed to the next intersection where my community is and go through that intersection of course this time it was green so right after i make it through i stop and take my helmet off because by this point i'm freaking out and my GF comes through and asks me if i just ran the light and almost got hit. I'm shaking and very nervous because iv been riding my whole life and never had done something as stupid as that. I had been thinking how dangerous it was to even be riding with the roads slick and my rear tire near bald and honestly the thought of an accident crossed my mind but i didn't actually think it might happen. I'm just glad i didn't get hit and my GF didn't have to see me almost get hurt or possibly die because i wasn't paying attention i honestly don't know what i was doing and or thinking.
steezyvape: Super lucky dude. Next time play it safe, and if you're going to keep riding, make sure to stay on top of maintenance and upkeep on your bike. Glad you're ok though.
The_Real_Shaggy: I know i need tires and i'm getting them soon i just spent 1100$ on a motor so tires are next but i don't plan to ride until i get them.
| 3 | 6 | |
1403441724 | 1403473217 | t3_28sgvo | t5_2to41 | 9 | EffingLuke: TIFU by storing my sunglasses in my shirt
Summer has begun where I live. The hot days are awesome (we had such a crap winter). I decided it was that time of year to get this summer's pair of sunglasses, and having just started a new job I didn't spare any expense. Picked up some really nice Oakley's (the Shaun White ones) for just under £120.
Fast forward to this morning. My house has been empty for a couple of days and I have the week booked off of work. Being an occasional pot smoker, I took the opportunity to have a joint. Heading back into the house from the garden, I took off my sunglasses and stowed them hanging from the top part of my shirt (a common thing to do) and went inside. Decided I needed a slash. So I go to the bathroom, and do my thing. At this point I'm starting to feel the effects of the joint and my aim was a little bit off. Splashing the seat, I quickly finished up (shakey shakey) and grabbed some TP to wipe the lid (yes I don't lift up the lid, women hate me) and leaned forward into the perfect wiping stance. Aaaaaaaaaand, my brand new Oakley's fell right into the toilet. I'm looking at them now and they are sort of just behind the main bowl. I don't know if I want my piss soaked sunglasses back or I should just flush the toilet.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: No, TYFU by buying $120 sunglasses.
Laklod: £120 actually. That's about $200
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Good fuck I didn't see the pound symbol. Of all the things I could spend $200 on, a pair of sunglasses doesn't even cross my mind.
John_the_Piper: $10 Warfarer glasses off of Amazon
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Fuck that shit I rock wal-mart shades
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1403440433 | 1403470220 | t3_28sfuv | t5_2to41 | 97 | Beyond_Hunter: TIFU by killing my neighbour's cat
This happened to me years ago but I have always felt guilty about what happened. I moved to Singapore and lived in an apartment with my wife and daughter. We lived on the 10th floor and our neighbour who owned a cat lived on the 11th storey. This cat that we are talking about spends most of its time resting on the window grail, observing whatever that's happening.
One day my daughter told me that her teacher wanted her to find something on the net and share it with her classmates. My daughter was very excited and decided to do a write up on fish and its skeleton. Also, she wanted to have an actual fish skeleton as visual aid. Naturally I have to help her with the preparation of the fish skeleton.
So after deboning the fish skeleton, I soaked it for a while in detergent and left it to dry outside with a serving tray below. Probably because there were still pieces of food left on the bones itself, the cat jumped on the tray from the 11th floor right after I left it in the sun. The tray wasn't held nor fastened so together with the tray, the cat fell all the way to the ground floor. The cat did not survive.
PeacefulBadass: THE MYTH HAS BEEN BROKEN!!!
RnRaintnoisepolution: So has that cat.
PeacefulBadass: I can't upvote you enough good sir,that made my day :)
Omnompie: Why do you downvote this pleasant fellow for complimenting his fellow redditor?
| 5 | 19.4 | |
1403448319 | 1403479796 | t3_28sn29 | t5_2to41 | 187 | NCWithasuit: TIFU By showing the entire class my porn folder
So this incident happened a few weeks ago (4, maybe 5).
Anyways. We all have weird fetishes. Some are worst than others.
Well, mine is, i get turned on by girls at my school. Not all of them, but some of them certainly look very good. So, you know, i have a folder of pictures, of the girls that look really good, and if my internet is down, i smack the hobbit to the pictures.
Well, at the time i was building a new PC, and so i saved all of the pictures on a USB Stick, because i didnt want to have to look for the pictures again.
Also at the time, we had a film project where we basically had to re-make a movie, nothing of real importance. Took me a while to edit, because you know, cringe worthy acting and stuff had to be cut out, but i finally managed to save it to the USB stick and went straight to bed.
Next day, i woke up tierd (Got about 4 hours of sleep), grumpy and i just wanted to get this day over with. So i took an energy bar, some coffee and the USB stick, and went to school.
Fast forward, the teacher had hooked up all of the equippment to the big screen, I inserted the stick in to the computer, and i noticed something had gone wrong.
I had taken the wrong USB stick.
All of the pictures where up on display. Worst part is that some of the pictures where on girls that was in my class.
I froze for a second, then just walked out. I turned off my phone, disabled my facebook, and switched skype accounts.
TL;DR: OP was making a movie for a class project and saved it to a USB stick, and when the big day came where he was going to show it to the whole class he took the wrong one, filled with pictures of girls who was in the same class as him.
PenetratorHD: I wouldn't trip too hard over this. Reality is probably 99% of the dudes wish they had your collection of pics and are trying to find a non awkward way to ask for you to email them the folder.
No hope with the girls though.
curiousnotacat: Some might be flattered?
DDYLK: > Some might be flattered?
No decent girl is going to find this flattering.
*Oh, you lurk my social media and then jerk off to it? How nice of you!*
curiousnotacat: 'Decent' is a rather vague term. And I know that if I saw something like that, as well as being creeped out, there is a part of me that would just be thankful that someone found me attractive.
DDYLK: > there is a part of me that would just be thankful that someone found me attractive.
You need an overweight teenaged pervert to do this for you? I'm sure there are better people out there to confirm for you that you're not ugly.
curiousnotacat: They're still a person. And when I posted on gonewild (different account), I had those people complimenting me, I also had people old enough to be my granddad complimenting me. It still made me feel attractive.
DDYLK: Well, I guess desperation knows no boundaries.
curiousnotacat: There is a difference between desperation and accepting a compliment.
DDYLK: There is.
But there is also a difference between receiving a compliment normally and seeking them out on purpose by posting to GoneWild.
curiousnotacat: I never once said that was my purpose for posting. I actually didn't expect the post to get any response at all.
DDYLK: Whatever you need to tell yourself.
| 12 | 15.583333 | |
1403447813 | 1403505188 | t3_28smje | t5_2to41 | 6 | misterneut: TIFU by making delicious fajitas
so no shit there i was making, which turned out to be amazing, fajitas. Cutting up the veggies and meat getting everything prepared, washed my hands a couple times then i rubbed my eye. did i mention that i used a habanero...well the flames of hell encompassed my eye..i panicked thrust my face under the faucet burning eye on top habanero infused water flowed into my other eye....double pain..started yelling for my girlfriend to help told her to get the milk and an eyedropper after she led me through the house to the shower which was unsuccessful so there i was naked in the kitchen leaned back over the counter with my gf trying to drop milk into my eyes....i said "open my eyes BEFORE you drop the milk bitch" then i heard the tink tink tink of the glass eye dropper skip across the counter "do it yourself then asshole".....finally all said and done fajitas were almost worth it.
TL:DR made amazing habanero fajitas got it in my eyes called girlfriend a bitch ate fajitas with swollen eyes
19years_: To be honest man I'm ambivalent with your story. It sucks that habanero got all over your eyes, but also I don't think it was cool that you called your girlfriend a "bitch" even though she was trying to help you. I mean some of us don't have the privilege of even having an SO. I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, but I really hope you and your girlfriend are all good now! :)
misterneut: this was a while ago i apologized we laugh about it now
slagterb19: I'm sure it was in the heat of the moment ;)
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403457967 | 1403460753 | t3_28svj9 | t5_2to41 | 1 | StyrofoamFloater: i live in ohio, buddy.
StyrofoamFloater: country boys know how to treat them ladies, apparently ;)
Jenkins91: Ah I see. So you're a redneck who no doubt engages in horrendous incestual sex with his disgustingly hideous sister. And you think, in all your ignorance, that seducing a family member is equivalent to actual charm, actual grace? This is so hilarious, but it's too disgusting to make me truly laugh. I can't stand the arrogance of you people, so convinced of your Casanova status despite only ever interacting sexually with Family members. Hideous.
StyrofoamFloater: Hey buddy, its okay. I know, being a narcissist as you are, that its hard to hear when you're wrong but its good for you. You are a cunt, everyone told you youre a cunt and your girl finally got the picture that youre a cunt. Its okay man. Just accept it. The world isnt filled with assholes, it just meets one every time you walk in the room
Jenkins91: You seriously think your opinion is worth anything to me? Even if you weren't a grotesque Redneck from an inferior genepool, your psuedo-correct opinions are seeped in such repulsive self righteous conviction that I would know for a fact you're lower and more worthless than the meanest, most pathetic insect, and disregard any of the filth you spew from your alcohol scented mouth. And you have the tenacity to label me a narcissist? Don't make me laugh. I spend no time looking in the mirror at all, fool, because I have no need to convince myself I'm attractive. You, I expect, do, because you want to convince yourself that you're more than a hideous redneck. I think suicide is the most viable option for you.
StyrofoamFloater: A) most jokes come from a serious standpoint. IE you've more than likely thought about the contemplation of suicide recently, which isnt a bad thought. B) every statement is self-righteous when you believe you are right, as you are doing right now. So you are being a hypocrite and self-righteous currently. C) Im a psychology major in his fifth year--you are a narcissist. Perhaps even sociopathic because of your vain attempts to get me to shut up and stop proving everything you say as wrong. Manipulative, full of self worth, highly volatile when proven wrong, doesnt get why his girlfriend thinks hes a cunt....i mean the signs are all there, brotha. You just gotta take a hard look at yourself and say, "Maybe....maybe i am just an absolute asshole." And youd be right. The first step of recovery is admitting you are wrong! Good luck! :)
Jenkins91: Hahahahaha, this is disgusting and pathetic. A Psychology major attempting to debase me. Get a real job, you insignificant, cowardly fool. I've studied Law (a real World thing, which you would know nothing of) and am a Solicitor. If I were an asshole like you think, I wouldn't be able to achieve such a high social position at such an early age. No doubt you, like any Psychologist, are the real Narcissist - you think of yourself so highly that you can diagnose people and understand the Human mind, based on mere interactions. You disgusting, filthy, wretched fool. You label me a Sociopath? Hah. You coward. Maybe I am a Sociopath though, as I would no doubt feel nothing if a disgusting Redneck fool like you were murdered, but I feel no need to do it myself - I'm not stupid enough to get in legal trouble wasting my time killing an insignificant, worthless fool like yourself. Fly away, little moth.
StyrofoamFloater: My father was a police captain in Cincinnati. You dont get government jobs unless you are highly manipulative but I doubt you're even that. Im thinking mcdonalds or burger king considering the way you try to insult people. You don't have the charisma to be anywhere in politics. It takes finesse to run your mouth on a public level like that, not to mention strict scrutiny on online accounts because people are always looking for ways to bring you down. You don't know much of what you're talking about do you? (i hate to say it again but--narcissist trait). Its been fun little buddy, but I have class. I think ill share my story of how online anonymity leads to gains in egocentric behavior. Also, id whoop your ass, boy. You sit down and shut up and take note of who your superiors are ;)
Jenkins91: Hahahaha. This is hilarious. This maggot seriously just threatened to "woop my ass, boy". You truly live up to your incestuous forefathers. Excpecting me to be impressed that your Father was a Policeman? Big deal. I could destroy you and your Father both in a one on one fight. Pathetic imbecile.
| 9 | 0.111111 | |
1403447433 | 1403458446 | t3_28sm4y | t5_2to41 | 72 | forgotmyfuckingname: TIFU by waiting to let my friend's cat in.
**EDIT: NSFW, FORGOT TO ADD THAT TO THE TITLE.**
So a couple things you need to know going into this:
-I have this very tight friend group of about 5 people. We regularly sleep at each other's places on the condition we don't eat the host family out of house and home, and clean up the next morning.
-I'm a lifeguard, so the whole "rely on all your senses" thing is pretty much impossible to shut off for me.
-This one is really important: I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC. I like boys, girls, and everything in between, but oral sex involving penises is one of my biggest turn-offs, regardless of anyone's gender.
-None of the names I use are real, just generic names I'm picking.
Now that that's taken care of, let me set the scene. Rachel, Mike and I are at my friend Sarah's house, along with Mike's new boyfriend Nick, who's visiting from a city about 2 hours away. We've been playing Cards Against Humanity with Sarah and her mom, so it's about 2:30am, and we're exhausted. Rachel gets picked up by Alex, her not-boyfriend (he's the 5th member of our circle.), Sarah and her mom have gone to bed, and the spare room is being used, leaving Mike, Nick and I in the living room. Before she goes to bed, Sarah's mom asks us to let her cat in if we hear it meowing, then leaves the 3 of us.
So it's 3am, and we're finally settled, I'm on the couch, there a coffee table shoved beside me, and the boys are cuddling in a make shift bed on the carpet.
I'm lying on the couch, and I hear the boys start kissing. It's all good, I'll just tune them out. Only just then, they both start breathing harder... And I hear the noise of clothes being slid off... and hands rubbing skin...
"Don't make a mess! Haha"
Not only that, but they begin knocking against the coffee table, making the floor squeak, grunting and moaning quietly. I'm literally stuck in a shitty porn.
Fuck. My. Life. At this point I'm doing everything I can to sleep, or tune out or something, anything but listen to this, or cock-block Mike.
And then I hear it. The unmistakable sound of slurping, small fast rubs, hard nose breathing, and sucking. I am listening to my best friend suck his new boyfriend off. I heard some other shit too, as well as choice phrases such as "it's everywhere!", "You won't be able to get me off tonight. Not like this.", "I hope it's not on the carpet." And my personal favourites "you can wash it out when you get home." And "I'm going to need a plastic bag."
So yeah. That's the story of how I heard my best friend give his first ever blowjob, to his first ever boyfriend. He's texting me now, telling me what happened, because they "waited till she was asleep." No. No you did not.
UPDATE: Fuck, as I'm editing it I can hear them going at it again, talking about morning head, and reciprocating, as well as the excitement of maybe getting caught. Still not fucking asleep, guys.
UPDATE 2: The cat got let in later this morning for breakfast, and it was maybe 20C last night, so he was okay.
Pancakes17: am i the only one wondering what ever happened to the cat?
edgebigfan: yeah, what the hell
| 3 | 24 | |
1403457500 | 1403474570 | t3_28syny | t5_2to41 | 16 | bddm24: tifu by talking to a customer at work
So I work in a meat department at a grocery store. I was filling one of the bunkers with some chicken that was on sale, and this guy was looking over my shoulder at something. I wasn't sure if he was looking at the chicken I was putting out or the pork that was next to it. In the interest of being friendly I said "It's a good sale on chicken." He just looked at me like had said something horrendous, picked up some of the pork and walked away shaking his head. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong until about 2 minutes later, when it struck me that the guy I had talked to was black. I totally didn't mean anything by it, just wanted to be friendly... oops.
TL;DR Told a black guy there was a sale on chicken, didn't realize I sounded racist.
Deuterion: I'm Black and would have looked at you funny, started laughing, and turned the situation into a joke. It really all depends on how it is said to be honest...
beingaware: As an Australian everyone seems to love chicken...
So what is this American obsession with chicken and African Americans?
Deuterion: Racism.
| 4 | 4 | |
1403460534 | 1403558412 | t3_28swc8 | t5_2to41 | 41 | John_Ga1t: I'm pretty sure it is a triple shot of espresso
Cavanus: Black is 2 shots and red is 4
apple_2: No red eye is coffee with one added shot. Black eye is coffee with 2 added shots.
The_Brojas: A JFK is 3 added shots
lilylupo95: Shots fired.
420smoking: All units respond.
veryunikeboy: base to all units; shot's fired in a local coffee shop
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1403456794 | 1403468385 | t3_28sxo5 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: [META] TIFU in an obnoxious sexual situation
[Hey guys, sex! (amirite??)](http://imgur.com/EkSfpod) (taken directly from the front page)
This is what happens when a subreddit becomes a default. Let it serve as a warning for all other subreddits.
^^^sex
shadecrawler: Yeah. That sucks! I'd way rather have all the stories about people shitting themselves up...
Nowhere_Man_Forever: It's the same thing though. Now instead of "I shat myself at work" it's some variation of the cut peppers and then touched genitals story.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1403457526 | 1403475459 | t3_28sypo | t5_2to41 | 16 | JedLeland: TIFU by being out of tune with my own body
Went out to brunch this morning at a neighborhood place where I hadn't been in a while. It was delicious: a garlic and fiddlehead scramble, home fries, nut toast, and a croissant afterward because they just looked so tempting. And with all of this, a bottomless cup of some of the strongest coffee in the neighborhood. As I was finishing up and getting ready to pay the check, some women lined up for the place's sole single-stall restroom. I needed to go, but I figured I'd just sit finishing my coffee while I waited for them to finish.
They each took a while, and people were starting to get in line behind them. Finally, I gulped down the last of my coffee and managed to get in line just before this one particularly well-to-do looking older woman, who started grousing under her breath. I waited my turn, went in, and did my thing.
It was revolting. Soft and gooey and smelling of garbage, putrescence, and death, and as is usual for one of these movements that insists on coming out NOW, the first round just shot right out, while the rest decided, "Nope. I'm gonna just take my time here. I'm coming, and I'm gonna keep reminding you that I'm coming, but I'm just going to pretend I'm on vacation in Savannah or somewhere and take a nice, leisurely stroll."
After leaving the socialite behind me waiting for however long, I finally finished my business, flushed, washed my hands, and made a beeline out before I could hear the undoubted screams of anguish from the disaster zone I had left behind. I made my way home, got undressed, and sat down in front of my computer. I live alone, and the only people I have to worry about offending are my two cats, so I usually go naked when in the abode. I started surfing the usual sites, including the Instagram page of a young woman I'd briefly met the night before, when I started to feel some gas building up. Again, just the kitties, so without a second thought, I let rip.
Now as I mentioned, this place has some damned strong coffee. Every time I eat there, without fail, I feel the need to drop cargo before leaving. Their coffee is strong, it's efficient, and two cups are probably the equivalent of eating an all-vegan diet for a week, at least where the colon is concerned. So that gas I felt welling up? Not gas. I had just simultaneously let out a vile substance the consistency of pudding on my chair and sprayed out a semi-liquid concoction that looked like a cross between lentil soup and Alpo all over some financial documents I had stacked just behind my chair. I quickly jumped up, ran to the toilet, finished my business, and jumped in the shower to wash off all the excess sludge that had coated most of my nether regions.
Thankfully, I always put a towel down on my computer seat when I'm naked (it's fake leather and gets kind of sticky, particularly in the summer months), so that was at least somewhat easy to clean up. The top few papers in the stack to the rear were pretty much ruined, though. Thankfully, they were also fairly old, so I can probably use more recent documents to piece together any soiled numbers. All this because I couldn't tell the difference between solids, liquids, and gases in my colon.
**TL;DR:** You're never *really* finished when you're taking a dump
KevinLee487: Reset the counter...
zdoo95: this comment is so true
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1403458563 | 1403488973 | t3_28t05l | t5_2to41 | 297 | TIFUguy: TIFU by eavesdropping on my fiancee and her friend's conversation.
My girlfriend and I live together. This morning I decided to stay in bed a little longer while my girlfriend decided to get up and make some coffee for her friend who came over to pick her up for their morning work out. The two girls know each other from their college days and used to be roommates then.
I had woken up when her friend came over but was too lazy to get out of bed so I decided to just lay there on my stomach for about half an hour then get my ass up. Our bed is pretty close to the doorway and our bedroom doorway is at the beginning of our long hallway next to the living room so it is pretty easy to hear someone talking in there. I had no intentions of eavesdropping at all and was doing fine until I heard my name get brought up about 15 minutes into their conversation.
Her friend was asking if I was still asleep and that if their talking was going to wake me up or bother me and my girlfriend told her no, that I was a heavy sleeper and that they weren't being too loud. Then her friend says, "ok good. And besides, it's not like he has to hear you getting pounded by your ginormous schlong ex-boyfriend like I had to back in the day." Then she laughed and my girlfriend embarrassingly and playfully told her to stop, that was in the past and that she wasn't even that loud.
Her friend said, "yea right babe, you used to moan so loud it would vibrate the walls!" They both laughed again and my girlfriend shushed her and told her to stop while I lay there thinking about how I've never heard her moan as loud with me and how I've been competing with ginormous cock ex-bf for the past 3 years and will continue to do so for the rest of our great marriage. Awesome.
Moral of the story guys, *never* eavesdrop. Nothing good ever comes from it. Ignorance is Bliss.
witchling_22: You'd be surprised at how often we *don't* compare. I have had guys that may have been a little bigger, but they are ex's for a reason. You're putting completely undue pressure on yourself. Snap out of it and love her.
TIFUguy: I never said I fell out of love with her when I heard all of that. But any guy would be lying if he said it didn't bother him to hear something like that.
witchling_22: And as a woman, I'm telling you you're worrying over bullshit things.
TIFUguy: And as a guy, I'm telling you that it's different when you're in our shoes. I'm sure if you over-heard your bf talk about his former gf like that, you would definitely think twice about it.
witchling_22: She obviously loves you, and from your wording, she seemed embarrassed or off put from her old friend's conversation turn. Your fiancée didn't outright agree, or did she? Sex is more than filling a hole. To me, anyway. I can't speak for every woman. Yes, my ex was bigger than my husband is. So? Sex is phenomenal with my husband. I love making love with him. When we're in bed, there are no thoughts of ex boyfriend or ex girlfriends. There is just us, showing each other how attractive we find the other and how much we love each other. If she was sexually unsatisfied, why would she agree to spend the rest of her life with you?
TIFUguy: > Your fiancée didn't outright agree, or did she?
She did.
>If she was sexually unsatisfied, why would she agree to spend the rest of her life with you?
Great point and something that I'll hold onto no matter what doubts creep in my head about our sex life.
witchling_22: If you're worried that you aren't pleasing her, watch her face. Listen to her breathing. If you're using your hands, lay your head on her and listen for her heartbeat to speed up. Talk her through it, make her talk you through it. "What does this feel like?" "Does this feel good? Too fast? Too hard?" Watch her masturbate. Whatever you do, *don't* let this eat at you. You'll end up resentful.
| 8 | 37.125 | |
1403458117 | 1403497071 | t3_28szj6 | t5_2to41 | 20 | virginiashewoolf: TIFU by mistaking my SO for a cat
We were lying in bed cuddling, and he started to fall asleep, so my instant reaction to get his attention back was to make kissy sounds, like I normally do to get my cat's attention. He gave me the weirdest look, and asked why I was making cat sounds at him.
zebraldinalindabum: I did that to my ex... and now he is my ex
virginiashewoolf: :(((
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1403461763 | 1403482036 | t3_28t4sy | t5_2to41 | 24 | WillGsmith: [NSFW] TIFU by putting on a condom in the dark.
It all started when me and my girlfriend were watching some Netflix yesterday night. Things got pretty heated as we hadn't seen each other for a while (3 weeks). Things lead to another until we were both naked under a blanket and wanting to proceed to the next stage of intimacy; sex.
We mucked around a bit trying to get each other in the mood and then when we wanted to start, suddenly a massive tidal wave of disappointment hit me face when she asked: "Do you have a condom?" No. I didn't. My girlfriend's face dropped when I replied. We got so in the mood but I completely forgot I had ran out of condoms, so instead we finished off in a less exciting way and I promised her that I would go grab some johnny's the next day.
So, the next day (today) I get up out of my bed around 8:00 am, do all the usual morning stuff and then head to the shops. When I arrived I went straight to the health section only to find that the only type of contraception left was an Anesthetic condom ... Basically it numbed your dick so you would last longer. As I didn't have a lot of time and them being the only condoms left, I thought I would just buy them.
Later, I invited my Girlfriend round, and we thought we would set the mood by having a drink. Things went smoothly and we were in pretty much the same position as we were yesterday... but we had condoms ( I didn't tell her which ones I bought because I didn't want her to think that I had premature health issue.) So, we started with a bit of foreplay and while I was doing my thing, I decided to put the condom on. It was dark ... very dark and I was slightly drunk, but after five minutes of multitasking, I finally did it. It didn't feel any different to the normal ones but I proceeded on. We were finally feeding our sexual needs and it felt great!! After having sex for a good half an hour, I started to realize no reaction was coming my girlfriend. This was bad. I knew what was happening. I asked her: "So, how is this feeling for you?" She replied with the answer I was dreading: "I can't feel anything."
I FUCKED UP. I put the condom on the wrong way round! I was having a great time but she had a numb Vagina! God. It was embarrassing having to explain myself.
steezyvape: Fun fact: have you ever gone to put on a condom in the dark, and then realized it was backwards, flip it over and get to it? You're using them wrong. If you ever go to use one and get it backwards, you have to toss that condom and start over (think about the precum now on the tip of the condom)
+1 reason to fuck with the lights on.
WillGsmith: Yeah, I know thanks for the warning, but we didn't do this. I chucked that condom and tried to use a new one but she was too numb
steezyvape: It was something I never thought about for a long time, and then I saw that in (I think) a comedy stand up act and was like... Holy shit I've fucked that up so many times and never even realized.
WillGsmith: Dude, you might have a child ;) haha
steezyvape: Yeah, no. lol. If that were true I'd know about it by now.
| 6 | 4 | |
1403461371 | 1403462678 | t3_28t48f | t5_2to41 | 54 | Phillyfan10: TIFU by not visiting my Grandma..
This was a few months ago, but I am new to reddit and feel as though I need to share my story.
It was a few months ago and my family is having a Sunday afternoon get-together at my Grandma's house. It was a casual get together, just a bite to eat, and shooting the shit with the family.
Being the poor college student that I am, I really did not want to spend gas money to drive 60 miles down the highway in an old beat-up pickup truck, to visit people I knew I would see soon anyways. I called my Grandma to tell her I wouldn't be there. She was clearly disappointed, but told me that it was okay, and she would see me in a month or so when I come home from Easter.
I didn't think much of it until I get a call from my Dad a few weeks later. My Dad, sobbing, tells me that my Grandma has had a massive stroke, and doesn't have much time left at all. As much as I tried, I couldn't make it home in time to see her before she passed.
I would have given anything to see her one more time before she passed away, and felt incredibly guilty that I did not go visit her that Sunday, when I was doing nothing more than sitting in my apartment watching movies. My morale of the story, dear redditors, is to value the people and things you have in life, because you never know how much longer they are going to be around.
LOVE YOU Grandma!! RIP 2/6/37-4/10/14
Flaglore: Oh man, that really sucks. Try not to blame yourself, since it's not like you did anything knowingly wrong. If you have good memories with your Grandma then you should focus on that to get yourself through the grief. Hope everything works out for you.
coachfortner: exactly: please appreciate the memory and don't kick yourself over it; it will accomplish nothing. You learned a valuable lesson to appreciate every moment you have alive and with the ones you love. Take this as a positive and not a negative. I'm sure your Grandmother would want that.
| 3 | 18 | |
1403462545 | 1403557712 | t3_28t5wn | t5_2to41 | 31 | dirtyhandsam: TIFU by telling my saying that my friends daughter is a hot babe on her 18th birthday.
I haven't seen these friends in 5 plus years. It was their daughters 18th birthday, and I just happened to be when I was in town. I used to hang around when they were all pretty little. It was not meant as a creepy- i want to fuck her- kind of thing. it was just a observation, a kind of pleasant surprise, something I want to congratulate the family on. That shit did not come across at all.
Xezlec: I think the feminists would say that this is an example of why a man generally shouldn't say anything at all about a woman's appearance, no matter how it is intended. I don't "get" that kind of stuff, but I read a comment to that respect recently and a lot of the women on that thread seemed to agree. So who knows, maybe that's the rule now.
revofire: Well unmake it a rule. That's BS. OP just made a bad decision at a bad time. It happens. But doing BS things like this (what feminists force upon us) then all is lost.
NO_POPE: feminists don't force anything on you. feminists are attempting to make the world a more equal place and a safer place for women in general.
revofire: o.e I don't know which feminists you know but basically all as far as I've seen are insane and definitely not out for equality. Also it shouldn't be called feminism but rather equalitarian because they're fighting for equality and not superiority right?
NO_POPE: fem·i·nism
ˈfeməˌnizəm/
noun
noun: feminism
the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.
This is the definition of feminism. The idea that women are equal to men. That's what it's called.
revofire: That's what they say, but every feminazi I see, they're insane. Really. Wouldn't you agree that being equalitarian is tons better in terms of just wanting everything to be fair and right in society versus only fighting for one side? I suggest you take a look at the feminist movement and its supporters to see just how it goes down. Regardless witholding comments, especially positive ones, is very wrong.
Voyager5555: "Insane"
Like people who think it's ok to tell their friend what a "hot babe" their daughter is on her birthday?
revofire: Maybe you weren't paying attention but I said this was a real screw up and something that you shouldn't do.
| 9 | 3.444444 | |
1403463978 | 1403520935 | t3_28t813 | t5_2to41 | 22 | idamnedit: TIFU by doing some landscaping
So I live out in the middle of nowhere and we have a lot of trees in our yard. There is a patch of trees in the front yard that looks awful and is sucking up all the water, killing the grass.
So over the past couple of weeks I have been cutting down the trees. I have been doing this mostly by hand, with an ax and hand saw. I have gotten good at notching the trees and directing the fall.
Today I fired up the chainsaw for the first time. I cut up some already downed trees so that I could move them. That is when I saw this one tree begging to be cut down.
So I went to the tree notched it with my chainsaw and then cut into the opposite side. Well, this tree decided that it wanted to fall opposite of the way it was supposed to. I tried to catch it and shove it the way I wanted but it didnt work. The tree fell and on its way down it scraped the power lines. The lines shook really hard but thankfully did not come down. My neighbors 1/4 mile away saw the lines shaking and came by to give me shit Power went out for 30 seconds and came back on.
My GF asked what I did and after I explained she gave me a lecture about how she told me not to use the chainsaw by myself. I have decided to take her advice and take a little break from tree cutting near power lines.
Malamutewhisperer: The only fuckup was trying to push it...once a tree goes...it's gone.
Other than that...shit happens.
idamnedit: I think my pushing it angled it just enough to not take out the power lines completely.
flabergasterer: There are a lot of people pushing up daisies that used this kind of logic.
panzerman1984: correct. You are supposed to have pulley/rope system in place BEFORE you cut the tree. lol But screw your annoying neighbors.....let me guess, a guy in his 60's freshly on retirement?
-Landscape Company Owner
Malamutewhisperer: I can confirm that this is the only demographic who complains about other people's landscaping.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1403463008 | 1403480211 | t3_28t6kk | t5_2to41 | 59 | assburner: [NSFW]TIFU by eating out my SO
Wasn't today, but a few weeks ago. We went to try out this new Tex Mex place that opened up nearby. Being a chili head that I am, I ordered the hottest "Ass-burner" flavoured hot wings. She shared them with me. We couldn't handle the heat so gave up and ordered other things.
Anyway, after showering (I hadn't washed my mouth yet, and neither had she), we decided to have some fun. She went down on me and I, on her (69 position). Both our parts started to sting, and burn. The pain sensation was near unbearable.
Had to shower again, wash thoroughly and just bear the pain for the rest of the night. We fucked up that night.
steezyvape: How is it that no one seems to comprehend that peppers+sex/masturbation just don't mix? It should not be a new concept, especially if you spend any time browsing this subreddit.
yakisaki: seriously. getting tired of reading the same thing happen over and over... we get it...
steezyvape: Right? I can't wait until it inevitably escalates to "I just finished handling hydrochloric acid and tried to jerkoff." Common sense people...
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1403465207 | 1403501070 | t3_28t9sj | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by vomiting on my own dick and I almost died
(happened about 2 days ago, never thought about posting it here though) I am underage and parents work most of the time, but I enjoy narcotics (sadly) so it started with "hey I still have prescription drugs, alcohol, and I dont have a lover" so I popped 2 hydros and downed 2 glasses of extra dry gin. I ended up wanting more to drink so i took a sip of whiskey and brought bottle of vermouth with me into my room because why not? I guess being piss drunk turns me on because I have a fleshlight type object that I masturbate with (im really REALLY lonely) so I lubed it up with my gin vodka vermouth spit and went to town. I figured I didnt have enough stimulation so naturally I grabbed the body oil I had, pooled it on my ass and shoved the handle to a vaccum cleaner straight into my anus while sliding the foamy sex toy on my dick. I eventually hit the gspot perfect and screamed at the top of my lungs vomiting right onto my dick but it didnt stop me from oragasming, in fact it felt warm and helped me to cum in the next 2 seconds.... Not my proudest moment ...
After that I cleaned up a bit (still drunk and high out of my mind) and called a friend on skype to play a few games of league and chat, I ended up saying I was going to shower and according to my friend he heard me vomit 4 times back to back, then leave the room. I remeber entering the shower then feeling immense pain in my stomach so I laid down in the shower and proceeded to vomit over and over. I eventually blacked out and woke up in my bed my a horrid taste in my mouth.
Turns out my friend came over to check up on me after he heard me puke and helped me out of the shower ( i was laying on my back, still vomit and choking on my vomit )
TL;DR - Im a fucking retard
Lipsis: Good thing you have friends that care about you. If it wasn't for your friend you might not have been able to post this story.
Flutterbasket: Or even breathing
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1403466170 | 1403481004 | t3_28tb64 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to show my mom a video.
now basicly, nice sunday evening getting horny as most 18 your olds. so I get on the interwebs looking up some porn. Then I hear my mom coming upstairs so you know closing the tabs(thank fuck I didn't have my dick out yet) and go back to reddit. there I see a video that I wanted to show my mom earlier so i ask her "hey mom come look at this" sure she walks over and i start the video and BOOM out of fucking nowhere fullscreen naked girl about to finger her self on my 27 inch screen already showing tits and all. I close it frantically and say 'I don't know what that was" she looks at me and just says something along the lines of "uhh okay then Spoon_17" and we continue to watch the video (i'm wanting to get into vaping and i gotta get her over the line) after the video shes like its okay to watch porn i did it too (internal cringe there) we laugh and she says that i should not do the whole camming thing. i promise her That i wont do that kind of stuff making her happy. She walks away now i'm stuck here and scared to go downstairs for food.
Help
i_pk_pjers_i: Well... Link the video of the naked girl then?
Moiken: Which one?
i_pk_pjers_i: Okay I fixed my comment.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1403466706 | 1403468463 | t3_28tbxe | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by drawing a clown sodomizing a child (NSFW)
Was hanging out with some friends last night smoking and carrying on. My buddy knows that I can't draw very well and that all my drawings look like they are drawn by children so he decides I should draw some scenarios that he comes up with. I drew about 4 or 5 drawings but 2 of them were especially fucked up. One was a picture of Hitler jerking it on a sunny beach in full uniform, and the second was a clown assfucking a kid at their birthday party. Both were pretty crudely drawn but disturbing nonetheless. We later go back to my place and he crashes on my coach and we go to bed.
Fast forward to the next day, we wake up, go get some pizza, and then I drive him home. Get back and am talking to my mom when she asks me about these drawings that were left on the coffee table and why I had drawn "a clown cornholing a child" as well as the Hitler picture. I thought about saying it wasn't me but I realized my buddy had gotten me to sign them before folding them up to take with him. I tried to stammer out an explanation but just left it at "you don't want to know" and walked away..
Told my friend who thought it was hilarious and now wants me to retrieve them for him. I can only assume they're in the garbage but I'm too embarrassed to ask where she put them.
TL;DR: mom saw picture I drew for friend of a clown fucking a kid.
Xezlec: Dear God, I can only imagine what your mom thinks now. If it were my mom, she'd think I was revealing a repressed memory that I couldn't bear to tell her.
drdeadringer: Later, in therapy: "I don't know if he's a victim and never told me, or if he's a pervert because of how I raised him. What kind of mother am I?!?"
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1403464364 | 1403471670 | t3_28t8lj | t5_2to41 | 5 | dude2k5: TIFU by leaving a piece of wood next to my sliding door.
Was enjoying the morning, smoking a cig, drinking some coffee when I heard a BANG. My cat had knocked down a piece of wood, blocking my sliding door. Started to think, what do I do, didn't have my keys or phone. Thankfully after 20 minutes or so, I was able to get in again (barely), but fuck. Not that bad, but I was starting to worry there for a second. Locked out of my own house. Few months back I got locked out of my car, while it was on, that sucked. Friggin cat.
Edit: Now I know how to break into a house.
[deleted]: /r/Today my cat fucked up.
powfuldragon: that'd be the end of the internet.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403467900 | 1403479615 | t3_28tdnq | t5_2to41 | 50 | Engineer_Zenka: TIFU showing my boner to my family (NSFW)
This, fortunately, was not today, but was repressed in my memory until now.
When I was 6, my family and I would watch movies together. At this time, I had no idea what a boner was or that touching your penis was a "No, no". So, as we watched these long movies, to prevent myself from peeing my pants, I would clench my ~~centigram Sam~~ millimeter Peter , thus resulting in young wood. Not knowing what it meant, I would show my family. "Mommy! Daddy! Look at my mountain" (To clarify, when we watched movies, I would always wear my thin, comfy SpongeBob pajama pants. So, when I got erect, it looked like a mini-mountain). My parents, wide-eyed and horrified, sat me down for "The Talk". I was extremely embarrassed and refrained from "Family Movie Night" forever.
**TL:DR 6 year old shows mother and father his erect penis**
WWLadyDeadpool: Do you still call it your mountain?
DrFishhead: I think the scientific term is a knoll.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1403418094 | 1403499549 | t3_28s0s2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Denvermax31: tifu by not checking the damn toilet before I sat down.
I went to the movies today. I need to pinch a loaf, and retarded me didnt check the condition of the toilet seat. well it was covered no not covered drenched in piss. I got my full ass covered in some dumb fucks piss. learn how to fucking aim who ever you are.
ACL_Tearer: [Hovercrap]
(http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hovercrap)
autourbanbot: *Here's the Urban Dictionary definition of* [***hovercrap***](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hovercrap) :
---
>To hover an inch or so above the toilet when taking a crap. Either because the toilet is disgusting. Or poor weather conditions.
---
_Being -10 degrees outside, I didnt want my ass to freeze so I took a hovercrap. Someone shit all over the seat, so i had to take a hovercrap_
---
[^(about)](http://www.reddit.com/r/autourbanbot/wiki/index) ^| [^(flag for glitch)](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/autourbanbot&subject=bot%20glitch&message=%0Acontext:http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28s0s2/tifu_by_not_checking_the_damn_toilet_before_i_sat/ciem9nd) ^| ^(**Summon**: urbanbot, what is something?)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403473878 | 1403511769 | t3_28tm3s | t5_2to41 | 78 | RunningThrowaway3: TIFU by going for a run (NSFW)
For those of you who are runners, you are probably well aware of the numerous little problems associated with running. These are usually just small annoyances (bladder issues, minor dehydration, chaffing, blisters) but they can become more troubling with longer runs. Chaffing is an especially underrated problem that non-runners aren't very familiar with. I hear women have fewer problems with chaffing, but for most men, chaffing occurs mainly on the nipples (if you're wearing a shirt) and the scrotum (if you're wearing pants).
Anyways, I was out on a 10K run today in much hotter weather than I'm used to. Around 4 miles into the run I started to notice some chaffing issues down under. Not that uncommon, especially since the heat meant I was sweating more. However, it wasn't my scrotum that felt like it was being rubbed raw, it was the very tip of my penis.
As I usually do with these sorts of issues, I tried to make some inconspicuous adjustments, and basically ignored the pain after that. Of course I could still tell the chaffing was occurring, but it's usually not a big deal. Most of the time the area being chaffed is just tender for a while afterwards.
Cut to the end of my run. I'm back in my apartment and getting ready to take a shower. I drop my pants to see the damage done by the chaffing when I realize there's blood on my boxers. The tip of my penis had been rubbed so raw that it was bleeding. My initial reaction was shock, but this was quickly displaced by the controlled thought that I should clean my wound by jumping in the shower.
As soon as the water touched the tip of my dick I was hit with a massive bolt of pain. I screamed and collapsed to my knees, where it took a good 20-30 seconds for the pain to subside. I manage to endure a brief shower, but it was definitely one of the top 3 most painful of my life.
Needless to say, I am terrified to take a piss. But this all took place 4 hours ago and I can't hold it in any longer. God help me.
TL;DR: Went running and had some chaffing issues. The tip of my dick was bleeding and hurt like a bitch. Now I have to pee.
UPDATE: My apologies for taking so long to update, I had to sleep, go to work, etc. Anyways, peeing was not fun, but honestly not as bad as I expected. It burned moderately on the way out, but the worst part was actually when I finished peeing. I'm sure all males are aware of those last few drops that like to cling to the tip. Yeah, those hurt A LOT just sitting there soaking into my wound. It took a large effort to stay quiet and not let my roommates hear shrieks coming from the bathroom.
Tombaloid: top 3 worst showers? what was worse than that?
pewp_dollar: OP is an ex-con, clearly.
megadalon: I would consider that a good shower.
UtterlyInsane: To each his(her?) own.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1403473660 | 1403545853 | t3_28tlsu | t5_2to41 | 3 | magicblanket: TIFU by taking my 3 y/o to the grocery store
It started with a bribe, really. .i told her that if she could behave, not touch anything, not run away, not break anything or trip anyone
matty62: Wonder what goes through kids minds. Like when they lose focus of the bribe and start pushing shit over and hitting strangers. I know your pain.
Voyager5555: > Wonder what goes through kids minds
Are you serious? They're kids.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403475328 | 1403532848 | t3_28to1s | t5_2to41 | 31 | hddoutsider: TIFU by spending 62.38$ on a red monster energy drink.
This was 3 years ago, but it still pisses me off when i think of it. Then i was a relationship when my ex-gf, but before her I never had a gf that has started her period while we where going out. now my gf at the time was a huge monster energy drink drinker. She'll have 1 or 2 a day. So the weekend after coming back from California after 2 months she's all pissed off. she didnt want to text or talk, I couldn't even go over. I had no idea what was going on. then all out of the bloom she text's me "Im on the red monster". my stupid ass took that as she wants a red monster. Now she lived a good 40 minutes away, and I drive a 10 mile to the gallon truck. so here i am going from store to store looking for this fucking red monster that no one seemed to have, and before i knew it my full tank when to about 1/8 of a tank left. I was pissed, but i finally found the bitch. So i get to her house, knock on her door, she opens it and with a big ol smile on my face I said here's your monster baby, long time no see. she **slam** the fucking door on me. For about 2 more years that was also the longest relationship i have ended. Easy to say, that was the best monster i have ever had.
masterrod: I'm not sure how you got from "I'm on red monster" to go get me a Red Monster.
cool story..
hddoutsider: At the time I just saw it as a "I want to see you". Little did I know
notProfCharles: ...that she was on her period?...
hddoutsider: Lol no shit right? Oh well
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1403457658 | 1403483579 | t3_28sywu | t5_2to41 | 7 | silentphantom007: TIFU by setting off the fire alarm at Friendly's.
Okay, so it wasn't today, I was probably about 10 years old.
I was with my mother and older sister at a local Friendly's for lunch, and I had to relieve myself. So I visited the restroom, and entered the stall and locked the door. I had to poo, and the only stall in their smallish restroom was a size big enough to accommodate a handicapped person. So I drop my drawers, sit down, and do what any normal person does when preparing to dump-- I look for something, anything to read or just something mildly entertaining to look at for the duration of my defication.
My attention was seized by a small black switch on the wall, with a white cord attached to it. As any normal 10 year old boy, I started to begin to feel the urge to pull it. If I didn't pull that cord, I was going to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I had. You know where this is going.
After I finished wiping, I caved. I yanked the cord. I knew immediately that I had chosen poorly. As soon as I heard the alarm I began the "oh fuck what do I do routine." I decided to play, it cool. I was going to walk out of the restroom pretending to not know what had happened. It would have worked, except for the fact that I was a horrible actor. I stepped out 9 the restroom and literally every head in the restaurant knew it was me. Nobody had moved out of their seats, everyone just turned to stare at the boy with the look of shame on his face. I still remember a random elderly lady with her fork halfway to her mouth. It was suspended there indefinitely as I slowly shuffled back to my family's booth.
My mom paid the bill and we left, not saying a word. We didn't return for five years. TIFU.
TL;DR: I flipped a switch in the handicapped restroom stall and set off the fire alarm.
steezyvape: Why is there a fire alarm in the handicap stall? I mean, in what circumstance is someone handicapped, taking a dump and suddenly there's a fire and they need to warn the rest of the place to GTFO?
silentphantom007: As I recall it didn't look like a fire alarm. It was steel with a black switch on it. There was blue lettering on it but it was scratched off and unreadable.
In any case, perhaps handicapped people just take massive flaming shits that could possibly pose a fire hazard?
steezyvape: Also, how did everyone know it was you? Perhaps this was some sort of handicapped stall help switch?
silentphantom007: The tables and booths were arranged around a central aisle leading to the restrooms. When I emerged, it was like I was on an "I did it" runway. And I think it probably was, but for some reason it set off a very loud alarm in the main restaurant room.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1403475043 | 1403547111 | t3_28tnpu | t5_2to41 | 109 | Sackbanditxx: TIFU by making whale noises at a girl
This one was at about 12:10 AM today, so it just barely counts as today!
So there was this big art/music festival in my town that lasts all night. There was this awesome band playing that the whole audience was really getting into. During the show there was this really cute girl next to me the whole time that I ended up dancing with a little bit.
After the band was done playing, me and my friends were walking away, and the cute girl I mentioned was walking towards me. We made eye contact and she smiled, stopped to talk to me, and said "hey". This is where I fucked up.
For some reason, my brain didn't really register what was happening, and i just walked right by her. When I was about 5 feet away, I thought "Oh shit she wants to talk to you! say something!". Now I turn my head towards her to say hey back, but my legs still kept walking away. Also, instead of actually saying "hey", I looked at her and made a loud noise along the lines of "Heeaaaauuugh-ayy!".
After this happened, we both just looked at each other, then turned around and walked away. We both kept looking over our shoulders at each other, and kind of hesitating from walking away, wondering if we should attempt to salvage the scenario. But nope, we left that situation alone.
TL;DR Danced with a cute girl. She tried to talk to me and in response I shrieked at her like a whale.
Thermohaline: Craiglist's Missed Connections.
why_cant_i_join: I'm curious if that has ever worked for anybody
sickduck22: Yes. But it ended up being a disappointment.
why_cant_i_join: Story time?
sickduck22: Saw a hot guard at a museum. Posted on CL "Hot guard at museum?"
Coworker of his saw it and showed it to him. He emailed me.
We met a couple times, but all that happened was me driving him to work a couple times.
Disappointing experience, disappointing story. Sorry!
why_cant_i_join: Lol I'm so sorry. But at least you have a story out of that now! Plus he seems like a jerk anyways
sickduck22: He wasn't a jerk just... i had no idea what he was after lol. Plus he had long hair when i saw him at the museum but got it cut right before we met. :( I should have known then that it wasn't meant to be.
| 8 | 13.625 | |
1403466393 | 1403482473 | t3_28tbgv | t5_2to41 | 28 | peachesandpigeons: TIFU by having a party at my house
Last night my parents were out of town for the night, they had been planning on this trip all week, and since I'm a stupid teenager, that means I was planning a party all week for the night they were gone. I had plenty of beer and a good amount of people. And as a side note, I have successfully done this before on a different occasion so I was not worried about getting caught in the slightest bit.
So, around 10 people started showing up and for the first three hours the party was awesome. My girlfriend was with me along with all of my really good friends and we were all having an amazing time. We had a beer pong game going on, flip cup and a big sound system for music. Unfortunately as we all got drunker, we also got louder and careless which is where things went downhill fast. Due to the fact that I was heavily intoxicated, the time of when these events took place is a little foggy. Around 1 a.m my girlfriend and I were in my room hooking up, getting ready to have sex when all of a sudden my friends started frantically knocking on the door. We quickly get dressed and let them in to see what was wrong. It turns out there were cops outside my house from a noise complaint. So there we were, friends, girlfriend and I hiding out in my dark room, nervously waiting for the cops to leave.
Thankfully, after ten minutes or so the cops left since no one was answering the door and I would love more than anything for the story to end there, but it doesn't. During the time were waiting for the cops to leave, somehow the cops found my parents cell phone numbers and called them about the complaint so while we were staked out in my room, I was getting what seemed like 30 calls a minute from my parents, and not one of those calls did I answer. Now that I'm sober and looking back on that moment, I probably had a chance to save the night but I ruined that chance with my dumbass drunk logic. I decided that if i just didn't answer my phone, my parents would assume that I was asleep and give up calling. With that in mind, and the cops gone, I came to the conclusion that everything was all good and went back to hooking up with my girlfriend.
Fast forward to five in the morning, my girlfriend and I are still awake and suddenly we hear the dogs downstairs start barking. This means they either heard something, or someone has walked in the house. I slightly open the door of my room to the horrific sound of my mom's voice downstairs. They drove five hours in the middle of the night because of the cops calling my house and me not answering. This was the end. You can probably guess what happened after that so there's no need to go into detail. The rest of the party guests awkwardly left, while I sat in the kitchen in my underwear and prepared for the parental shit storm that was coming toward me head on. I am posting this at work, the severity of my punishments have not yet been determined but I'm expecting that the potential for the rest of my summer to be fun and enjoyable is long gone.
EDIT: Turns out, the cops didn't come because of a noise complaint. They came because one of the girls coming to my house was questioned by a cop patrolling the neighborhood and told him my name and that there was a party at my house..
steezyvape: So long gone. Could have just answered the phone and been like "Yeah noise complaint, I thought I would blast the stereo, my bad" Maybe throw in an embarrassing detail like you were dancing around in your underwear (no one questions a lie with an embarrassing detail).
Ah, drunk logic though. You're so fucked. Good luck!
peachesandpigeons: Throughout this whole day, I have thought about all the ways I could've handled the situation last night better. I also learned today from my parents that it wasn't a noise complaint. One of the girls who was walking to my house to join the party got questioned by a cop and fucking told him that she was going to a party at my house...
steezyvape: Dude, WTF. That's even worse. Need to get the word out, she should be blacklisted. lol.
peachesandpigeons: I agree. Apparently there was a report of ding dong ditching somewhere in my neighborhood and that's why the cop was there cause normally cops never come in my neighborhood so as of now I'm officially shifting the blame to the ding dong ditchers and the girl that led the cops to my house.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1403475564 | 1403488134 | t3_28tocx | t5_2to41 | 89 | KetoGrow: TIFU by asking a customer "would you like a hand"?
Look down at her arm, and realise in horror she's an amputee.
Awkwardness ensues.
From now on, "how can I help you?" is my opening line.
ShakaLulu: Or always have a fake hand on you at all times and pull it out in this situation.
TronKitten: Wouldn't that make things worse?
TheBomar: Maybe, but it would be funny.
| 4 | 22.25 | |
1403477200 | 1403483662 | t3_28tqg4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by creeping out my father's coworker
My father is a radiologist, and he reads films from home sometimes. The hospital has him set up with a viewing system that consists of a PC and 3 monitors. He called me up a few days ago and had me house-sit for the week, and in passing he said the IT guy was going to be dropping off a new PC for his viewing station. This bit of information got lost in the lectures regarding when to turn the porch lights on/off, when to feed the dogs, etc.
Fast forward two days, I get a text at about 6 saying "I'll be there at 7, is that okay?" I figured this was a text from a from a wrong number, and I enjoy having a laugh with these wrong-number-texters, I reply with "No, and we need to talk about something... I got tested the other day, and it came up positive..."
I got a text back with "??? This is Jim, I'm dropping off your dad's computer"
Thermohaline: What can you do? Sometimes the apple falls from the tree and rolls off a cliff...
couIombs: Ouch D:
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403481017 | 1403527494 | t3_28tv9o | t5_2to41 | 625 | Oil_field_trash_: TIFU by jerking off in a porto-John.
So I'm sitting at work right before shift change, I have a 5 hour drive home and I've been horny as fuck all night. I've been harder than a pound of jaw breakers for 12 hours. I couldn't wait to spew my load. Went into the crap house and jeans to the knees started pulling it. After about 45 seconds I was already toe curling and I came all over the mini urinal thing that's in there, I mean alllll over it. It looked like at least 200 ML of funk. "Shit I need to clean this". Spun around, no TP. "I'll just hop over to the next shitter and grab a roll". As soon as I opened the door, there's my supervisor walking toward me. "Hey oilfieldtrash you warm her up for me??." "Uhh yeah sure you got it boss." Hopped in my truck and am now considering new jobs.
EDIT: From comment below. When I got home one of my co-workers called me and asked if I jerked off in the out house. I just started laughing and asked if jimmy (supervisor) said any thing. And Cory (co-worker) said "yeah he said you're a sick fuck." Weirder shit had happened out in the patch.
witchling_22: .....how does one maintain an erection in a port-a-potty? I mean.. the *smells*
Oil_field_trash_: It takes a special breed.
Imbeingoriginal: You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.
Guillotine1911: Thanks, Chief!
Imbeingoriginal: Thanks for not leaving me hangin, dawg
Guillotine1911: Nothing to it, recognized it instantly.
And I'll pistol whip the next guy who says Shenanigans.
ChristineNoelle: Hey Farva - what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Guillotine1911: You mean Shenanigans???
*holds out pistol* OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!
Edit: based on your username I doubt you're a guy (so technically can't pistol whip you per the script), but that means you're awesome and thanks for playing along :)
| 9 | 69.444444 | |
1403480960 | 1403483419 | t3_28tv6r | t5_2to41 | 3 | SumPpl: TIFU by reading a thread in /r/paranormal
Azazel218: Which thread?
witchling_22: Yeah OP! Thread?
SumPpl: http://www.reddit.com/r/Paranormal/comments/28tfog/strange_occurrences_in_my_flat_felt_by_all_the/
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1403477412 | 1403545391 | t3_28tqpg | t5_2to41 | 4 | Sparkalade: TIFU... today and everyday these past few weeks since I began binge watching 24.
Having never before watched any episode of 24 I on whim resolved to watch them all in order.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying the series however most days I somehow manage to fall asleep when watching it late at night and then I wake up a few hours/episodes later to witness some revealing plot spoiler, and then later on I must find which episode I recall watching and then continue knowing what entails later on.
It's become something of the sleeping equivalent of a drinking game that works thus. Instead of downing a vodka everytime Jack interrogates someone or whatever it's become "Everytime someone dies; wake up. Everytime a mole is revealed; wake up. Everytime a nuke is set off; FML."
Keplaffintech: Can't you just put on the episodes one at a time? That way if you fall asleep the episode will finish and nothing will be spoiled.
Malamutewhisperer: This was my first though. Netflix, however, will run the next episode depending on the machine that's running it (my panny smart tv does this, wii u does not).
Voyager5555: The max number Netflix will run on any device is 3, then asks if you're still watching. I could see if once they did this, but to do it every night on a show you haven't seen and continue to watch like that? Just seems weird.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403481827 | 1403493438 | t3_28twb2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | realfood_: TIFU and engaged a troll, and lost my cool a little bit.
I need to keep reminding myself that responsibility quite literally means my ability to respond, and I have the power to raise above trolling.
Kill_The_Dinosaurs: But its' so much fun to troll a troll.
realfood_: IF ONLY I trolled.. I totally was swept up in the "battle for honor" only to realize my idiocy.
DrFishhead: It's ok. We all those things that set us of, and trolls can find them.
| 4 | 2 | |
1403476896 | 1403492880 | t3_28tq3m | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by Showing my underwear to everyone sitting behind me in church.
Church was coming to an end and the skirt I was wearing was a little on the shorter side so I thought I would pull it down a bit in the back. I raised myself a couple inches off my seat then I tried giving it a few gentle tugs but my ass is really big and my skirt was pretty far up my back and refused to move so I gave it one more good yank. Rip pride.
Electrivire: Maybe don't go to church then....
[deleted]: I actually decided to join a cult instead. Meetings are more convenient.
Electrivire: There ya go.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403484559 | 1403526384 | t3_28u040 | t5_2to41 | 13 | yawaworht1098: tifu by talking about sex with my girlfriend...
SO things have been getting stale with my girlfriend in the bedroom. I was invited over to her house for lunch with her and her family. Dad leaves for something, and her mom goes outside. We're watching tv and I decide to bring it up. We hadn't seen each other in a while, so I figured now was the time to bring it up while her parents were out and about. Mistake. We only talked for a few minutes cause I agreed it was awkward to discuss in her parents house. Couple minutes later we hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Turns out her mom went upstairs, not outside. her mom didn't really make eye contact with me for the rest of my stay... which was short...
Bonanza86: Mom: "So what's this I'm hearing about you screwing my daughter?"
DrFishhead: OP: "I'm screwing her real well ma'am. You should hear her when I go to town!"
sickduck22: Dining at the Y
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1403485286 | 1403508433 | t3_28u145 | t5_2to41 | 11 | luke_mlh: TIFU by farting whilst pissing in my garden
Batroc_Z_Leaper: YOU didn't fuck up, she did. It's your yard and you can piss in it as you like. She needs to mind her own business and stop being a Mrs. Kravitz.
Erocitnam: Dude. Upvote for your username.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403487255 | 1403488808 | t3_28u3vd | t5_2to41 | 24 | drugsarebadk: TIFU by burning off my eye lashes
Well today I was in my bathroom admiring my own beauty or some shit when I noticed a few hairs on my cheek. This hair was bothering me so I decided to remove it. I tried pulling it out, and when that didn't work, I pulled out my trusty bic lighter and decided fire was necessary in the removal of this hair.
I lit my lighter a few inches from my face and slowly brought it close until I successfully burnt the hair from my cheek. Problem solved. Except that's not what really happened.
I pressed the lighter against my face and lit it. The flame was a little taller than I expected and half my eye lashes were removed as the other half turned bright white.
Its very noticeable.
TL DR: I'm a dumb ass.
The_bagel_rapist: I just... Why? Why would this ever end well?..
pacotes: The ole pyrotechnic razor... Fastest, smoothest shave you will ever have!
| 3 | 8 | |
1403488207 | 1403549404 | t3_28u56a | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU By leaving my number for a waitress
When I left a restaurant, I wrote my phone number on the check for my waitress. I'd never done it before and decided to be adventurous. I get a call from an unknown number an hour later. It's the manager. I left my watch at the restaurant. Turned down for what!
sickduck22: Ouch. I don't know if I'd go back for the watch.
creamersrealm: Some people like their watches, personally I have a citizen that I always wear and it keeps me sane. Without it I dont have a clue what day or time it is.
Unicornpants: Dude, mobile phones exist now.
creamersrealm: I like them I wash a lot better plus its always on it doesn't require a charge 12 solar powered but has multiple time zones chronograph everything I could ever need. Plus I can see my watch in bed when the Hands glow a cell phone is too bright for that
Unicornpants: Yeah, I was only messing. I get ya, I miss my watch
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1403488137 | 1403538556 | t3_28u52l | t5_2to41 | 79 | oblivious1373: TIFU by being really oblivious... multiple times
Back in high school, I had this female friend who was kind of just "one of the guys," so to speak. Was really chill, funny, and was never really fazed by our stupid antics. She was someone you could tell dick jokes to without a second thought. None of the guys ever talked about her they way they did certain girls who were kinda universally considered hot, so I never really noticed her much as a girl.
So senior year. I remember her being really touchy with me. Like she'd rest her head on my shoulders and sit on my lap and hug me randomly and try to hold my hand. I figured this meant we were close friends because the girls in our group tended to hug/hold hands/etc with each other. Maybe she thought of me as one of those friends. So I just let her do what she wanted. Hugged her back, etc.
She asked me to Sadies with her. I had a family reunion that weekend, so I declined. She was cool about it and understood. Prom rolled around. She asked if I want to go with her. Dances really weren't my thing, so I said no. She seemed a bit upset but she seemed to be okay with it, mostly.
We used to text a lot, and during the summer after high school, I'd spend most of my time texting her. I remember thinking "Oh cool, someone to talk to" and her asking me to do random stuff with her like going to the beach/movies/mall/water park. Sometimes I went, sometimes I didn't. I thought she just wanted someone to hang out with.
And then one day she asks "Why aren't you interested in me?" It was almost 2 in the morning, and we were talking on the phone, and I thought it was a stupid question because I wouldn't stay up late talking to someone I thought was boring. I told her so. She was definitely a bit upset after but I never really understood why.
I just got back in state last weekend after college and hung out with her and some of our other high school friends. I think she changed the way she dressed or whatever because she's noticeably pretty now. After she left, some of us guys start talking about how things changed, and we some how get onto the topic of girls. I make a joking comment about how she got hot over the past year and how she was so out of my league and how I could've never tapped that, and the group of guys go all quiet.
My best friend goes, "Dude, you realize that she had a huge crush on you all through high school right?" and then it hit me. I'm so stupid. :(
**tl;dr this girl who was really chill and sleeper hot was into me all of high school, made moves on me, and I just sent mixed signals and rejected her over and over.**
fireisveryfun: Where did I leave my bat...
ash1234321: Let me find my golf club...
goyurik: The one with spikes? On the counter
mspaint_frank: I'll get the chainsaw
Mashu009: Don't forget to oil it up. Flesh can clog it easily
PM_ME_YOUR_MICROWAVE: Get my size 12 boot, shine that son of a bitch up real nice, and shove it straight up your candy ass.
| 7 | 11.285714 | |
1403486970 | 1403501372 | t3_28u3h2 | t5_2to41 | 28 | TheShowerOfDoom: TIFU by drinking my dad's piss.
So back when I was 10 I was really into video games. So one day it is around 2 in the morning and im still on my xbox 360. My dad flips the fuck out because im supposed to go to bed by 10. Anyways he takes my internet modem and hides it somewhere in his car, then comes back and goes to sleep. So since i was really mad I proceed to take a blanket, a half full/empty water bottle, and a pillow over to my parents' room and put it right next to the door and be as annoying as humanely possible. I do things like turn the light switch on , say things like give me the modem back, and not let him go to the bathroom by blocking the door. So he's telling me that he has to go to the bathroom and I'm just being as stubborn as i can possibly be. So an hour goes by and he can't hold it in anymore so he grabs the water bottle and pees inside it and goes back to sleep. Well after a while I just fall back asleep. So I wake up because of a police siren that I hear in the distance and I feel thirsty. And then I remember that I had brought my water bottle with me. Now I just woke up and I'm feeling pretty drowsy so I can barely walk. So it's pitch black and as I'm going over to turn on the light to look for the water bottle (which at this point I don't remember is full of piss) I knock it over with my foot so since I know where it is I no longer have to turn on the light. So I picked it up and it was really warm, but I paid no attention to that since I was just thirsty so as I started drinking it, it hit me. It felt as if I had just swallowed some sort of very, very, very salty liquid which was warm and digusting as fuck(hats off to Bear Grylls) so I proceeded to spit as much of it as I could, and at that point my parents woke up so I put the cap back on the bottle and put it under the bed. Then I proceeded to go to the bathroom and puke my brains out. When my parents asked what was wrong all I could come up with was that a cockroack had crawled into my mouth. Anyways the day after that I took the bottle out from under the bed and threw it away, and to this day whenever I hear my dad taking a piss I gag.
TL;DR Got mad at dad for taking away internet. He pisses in a bottle, I drink it.
Marco_M: You must've felt really pissed... Oh, wait...
TheShowerOfDoom: The puns are too real.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1403487715 | 1403543704 | t3_28u4gh | t5_2to41 | 295 | [deleted]: TIFU by killing my widowed neighbors dog.
ThatGuyGetsIt: If she let her dog roam around unleashed there was always a Chance this would happen.
goyurik: This is no place for puns you heartless creature! But hey, it was a good one...
ChanceP-Wood: My names Chance I hear puns like this all the time...they're never good
goyurik: I figured you Wood.
ChanceP-Wood: Oh god what have I done
UncheckedException: You'd better....um, preP-are yourself.
aldekeyser: ahem, don't you mean prePEAR your self, cause of the pear tree, get it, get it.
goyurik: He didn't do anything DEADly, but he did open the widow for more puns
| 9 | 32.777778 | |
1403489384 | 1403588211 | t3_28u6t5 | t5_2to41 | 25 | redowll: TIFU by thinking I was no longer high.
So my mother recently found a reasonable amount of various drugs under my sister's bed. She mentioned it to me and talked about how mad she was, and I couldn't just let sis take the fall. So now I'm getting drug tested, which is why I took all the cold medicine I could find inside my house. Now, this got me a decent high, not to great, not bad though. So I think it's over and that's that. I start up a playlist and decide to dabble in a little dog petting. So I'm petting the gal and then I just get fucking high. I'm dancing around the room, holding my dog like she's Simba. I put her down(thankfully) as my pump-up part of my playlist starts. I made it for walking up hills when I'm high haha. So I feel like I'm jamming in super slow motion and I just loose my shit. And then I fucked up. I'm jumping on my bed, and then I just look at my wall. My sworn enemy. The man who killed my father. The man who killed my wife. The man who killed my dog. I just stare at this made up dude and remember thinking 'what the fuck is happening' as I give it the biggest launching headbutt in history. I woke up with diareah in my pants and vomit on my bed. What. The. Fuck.
TL;DR I got high when I thought it was over and knocked myself out trying to kill my wall.
Erocitnam: Why did you take cold medicine because of a drug test?
redowll: haha no it has this one ingredient that gives off a great body high.
Burning_Kobun: be very careful when robo tripping. DXM is what you want, but most cold medicines have things that can really fuck you up [the bad kind] if you take even 2 doses at once [I'm not sure on this but I've always heard that a person doesn't have to take very much acetaminophen to do serious damage]. now I seem to remember seeing that dayquil for cough [there are multiple dayquils so check the ingredients] had only DXM so that should be safe [well as safe as you can get while robotripping].
DISCLAIMER: I'm just some dude on the internet so this information could very well be complete bullshit and lead to death if taken seriously. your best bet is to read erowid.
[deleted]: You can get 15mg DXM gel tabs in most 7-11 stores. Nothing else in them. Source: was once a teenager who thought he was a dinosaur
| 5 | 5 | |
1403488148 | 1403580211 | t3_28u537 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Plaptor: TIFU by reading someone's profile.
You ever think you finally remove yourself away from someone and feel fully detached?
I think that a lot. And then I stumble across something they say, or like, and I have to read it. Then I get upset because I start remembering really painful things.
Today I fucked up by reading someone's profile and feeling my heart sink.
sickduck22: this is the worst.
i actually have my sister's facebook posts blocked from my timeline, because she's getting all successful... it's horrible, because i shouldn't be angry at her, but I am.
If you're talking about an ex... that's pretty terrible too.
Plaptor: Not even an ex - just someone that never felt it back. I can't blame them, you can't force feelings, but god fucking damn it if i just don't feel ANGRY sometimes. I get where you're coming from, I do. Different circumstances, same general feeling.
Fuck man.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403490640 | 1403495810 | t3_28u8h8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by pepper spraying my girlfriends vagina
The guy who ate chili peppers then 69ed his girlfriend reminded me of this from a little more than a year ago.
I bought my girlfriend pepper spray because she's completely defenseless and we live on a rapey campus. I was playing with it outside to make sure it worked and some was on my hand. I washed off my hands very well multiple times, but this shit was strong.
So i'm fooling around with my girl and she's complaining that it burns and i'm basically stfu quit whining (she was prude and inexperienced). Eventually she was like NO THIS HAS TO STOP so I'm like what the hell. Didn't figure out why for an hour or so but her vagina burned all night.
not_horatiocaine: Sounds like someone almost mistakenly told his girlfriend to not........(sunglasses on)........ habanero mind.
zebraldinalindabum: Hahahahaha there is no way I am going to find anything funnier than this comment on reddit tonight... I can go to sleep now! Thanks!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403498739 | 1403624998 | t3_28u8b3 | t5_2to41 | 222 | [deleted]: I've been bit by spiders in my sleep before and never did I jump to the conclusion that not only did it lay eggs inside me, but that the best course of action would be cut them out myself with a dirty knife.
DMZ9: Neither did he, because this story never happened.
Pasalacquanian: Maybe some parts were exaggerated, but this was all real.
theodrixx: I love that all it takes is for one guy to be like "no I know this is fake because reasons" and then everyone turns against the OP as if they only just realized the story could be fake.
DMZ9: Anyone with half a brain can read this story and realize that its bullshit.
theodrixx: Where's your mountain of bulletproof evidence, half brain?
DMZ9: To believe this story, you have to accept that this man knows absolutely nothing about spiders, nothing about infections, and ignore the fact that he already admitted to exaggerating the story, along with all the other things that dont make sense.
Or you can just read his comment history and realize that hes just a terrible karma whore, and conclude that this story is bullshit.
theodrixx: >this man knows absolutely nothing about spiders
Not uncommon.
>nothing about infections
I assume you're referring to his use of an unsterilized tool during his impromptu self-surgery, in which case that's an understandable mistake during a panic.
>he already admitted to exaggerating the story
Yeah, because if someone admits to exaggeration, he must be a liar, and thus lying about exaggerating when in fact he lied about the whole thing because he's a liar. That makes sense.
>Or you can just read his comment history and realize that hes just a terrible karma whore
Nothing in his comment history indicates this.
I'm not saying this story is definitely not fake, I'm just saying that arbitrary skepticism is also a kind of credulity.
DMZ9: I'd say its pretty common knowledge that spiders dont lay their eggs in living things...You think its understandable to hack at your elbow with a steak knife because you are panicking? Lol.
>Yeah, because if someone admits to exaggeration, he must be a liar, and thus lying about exaggerating when in fact he lied about the whole thing because he's a liar. That makes sense.
Yes, exaggeration by definition is lying. Why would you believe such an unbelievable story by someone who has already admitted to lying about the details? You have 0 evidence that this actually happened.
>Nothing in his comment history indicates this.
I'm not saying this story is definitely not fake, I'm just saying that arbitrary skepticism is also a kind of credulity.
26 of his 30 posts are within this thread, or submissions to other subreddits. He has 4 posts in topics that he has not created. Seems a bit odd, no?
theodrixx: >I'd say its pretty common knowledge that spiders dont lay their eggs in living things
Even if that's true, you can't say that it's impossible for someone to not know that.
>You think its understandable to hack at your elbow with a steak knife because you are panicking?
Yeah. Do you expect people to act rationally when in a panic? What do you think panic is?
>Why would you believe such an unbelievable story by someone who has already admitted to lying about the details?
I guess you didn't pick up on it, but I was mocking your circular logic. Thanks for continuing to use it, that was a good laugh.
>You have 0 evidence that this actually happened.
And you have 0 evidence that this didn't. Were you there? Is any of this physically impossible?
>Seems a bit odd, no?
"A bit odd" = liar? Congratulations on your stunning deductive skills.
DMZ9: > Even if that's true, you can't say that it's impossible for someone to not know that.
Of course its possible, that doesn't make it likely. It is absolutely impossible for me to prove that this didnt happen with the information the OP has provided, just as it is impossible for you to prove that it did.
>Yeah. Do you expect people to act rationally when in a panic? What do you think panic is?
I don't think people who are in a panic take the time to tourniquet their arm before filleting it, nor would I expect someone who is so stupid enough to think that spiders lay their eggs in people to even know what a tourniquet is.
>I guess you didn't pick up on it, but I was mocking your circular logic. Thanks for continuing to use it, that was a good laugh.
You must have a shockingly boring sense of humor.
>because if someone admits to exaggeration, he must be a liar
Yes, by definition...an exaggeration is a lie.
>and thus lying about exaggerating when in fact he lied about the whole thing because he's a liar. That makes sense.
Someone who clearly has no issue with lying is telling an unbelievable story that doesn't make an ounce sense. The entire thing being made up makes much more sense than any other explanation. Anyways, admitting to exaggerating something in an entirely made up story in an attempt to make it seem more believable is very common. There is actually a specific term for it that is currently slipping my mind.
>And you have 0 evidence that this didn't. Were you there? Is any of this physically impossible?
Yea actually. It is physically impossible to lose the amount of blood he is describing for the injury he is describing. Using the definition of evidence that you seem to be a fan of, it is next to impossible to disprove anything you haven't seen first hand.
theodrixx: >It is absolutely impossible for me to prove that this didnt happen with the information the OP has provided, just as it is impossible for you to prove that it did.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I said.
>I don't think people who are in a panic take the time to tourniquet their arm before filleting it, nor would I expect someone who is so stupid enough to think that spiders lay their eggs in people to even know what a tourniquet is.
Yeah you're right, I forgot that if you know what a tourniquet is, you must also know the reproductive behaviors of spiders. You're absolutely right, intelligence is a linear and predictable thing, especially if you conveniently forget the fact that knowing certain things has little to do with intelligence anyway, and that people can have gaps in their knowledge.
>You must have a shockingly boring sense of humor.
You're the one refusing to enjoy a story because it *might* be madey-up.
>Someone who clearly has no issue with lying
Are you seriously not seeing the leap in logic it takes to say that someone who admits to exaggeration is definitely a serial liar?
>an unbelievable story that doesn't make an ounce sense.
Well if you go around looking for strange details in any story, real or fake, you will find them. The problem with that is that, in real life (not conspiracy-land), they have explanations that *aren't* about people lying to you.
>The entire thing being made up makes much more sense than any other explanation.
No, it doesn't.
>Anyways, admitting to exaggerating something in an entirely made up story in an attempt to make it seem more believable is very common.
Citation plz. It's irrelevant anyway, because it doesn't prove it's made up, but I'd still like to know.
>It is physically impossible to lose the amount of blood he is describing for the injury he is describing.
lol
>Using the definition of evidence that you seem to be a fan of, it is next to impossible to disprove anything you haven't seen first hand.
And using the definition of evidence that *you* seem to be a fan of, you can say that every story you ever hear is made up.
I don't understand how you're not getting this -- I'm not saying that the story is true, I'm saying that you're an idiot for saying it's fake without a bit of real evidence.
| 12 | 18.5 | |
1403491982 | 1403542923 | t3_28ua9q | t5_2to41 | 3 | poejibb: TIFU by driving without my glasses
So I almost killed myself today. Decided to go on a nice stroll driving around the neighborhood and did not bring my glasses. (I do this all the time, but never when it got dark or in unfamiliar roads.
First mistake I made was when 2 lanes conjoined into one and I ended up on the side walk. I was on the right lane and it merged in with the left. I almost shit myself, but kept my cool, got back on the road and keep driving. Mind you there were cars behind me and I am certain they thought I was drunk. This is when I decided that my little rodeo had to stop so I decided to go home.
As I’m driving towards incident number 2, I realize that there is a shit load of pedestrians(later find out that I was close to the Bar areas. so I go on the left lane on a 2 lane road, and also because I ended up on the sidewalk and did not want to kill anyone. Incident number 2 ended up on a red light. Looking ahead there are 2 green lights for left turn only and 2 red light for going a head. I saw green light so I go forward…..until I see cars on my left and right moving……SHIITITTITITITIT!!!I’m now stopped in the middle of the road……Then proceed to make a right as going straight would not be possible due to being cars in front of me due to my fuck up. And there were shit load of pedestrians and cars. Now I’m not even sure if I can even make it home. I then proceed to enter the highway and head home. I am now with familiar roads and finally make it home safely.
yakisaki: this happens to me..... I feel like Cinderella at midnight. As soon as dusk hits, those roads are non-existent at all. I always try to bring my specs with me now but no promises. glad you're ok
Voyager5555: I don't care about you, but you're a danger to everyone on the road. Stay at home and play with your own life, not others.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403492729 | 1403596885 | t3_28ubb3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | iphoneian: TIFU Found out i am a foot fetish
Teotwawki69: Like others have said, having a foot fetish (or being a foot fetishist, learn the difference) isn't all that uncommon, so don't feel bad for figuring it out. Instead, embrace it.
And, if you'd like company, it's very well known that Quentin Tarantino is a major [foot fetishist](http://www.ropeofsilicon.com/examining-quentin-tarantinos-foot-fetish/) and he's done pretty well for himself.
The wonderful thing about the internet -- you can't invent a fetish that somebody else doesn't have. Since yours is so common, share that news, and you'll become a very happy man indeed.
iphoneian: :) i am happy now..being treated so warmly and i dont feel strange now agreeing i love women feet. Tarantino is a major inspiration too also yea i didnt fuck the fact of being foot fetish made me think i fucked up anyways love u all!
Teotwawki69: You're welcome. And you're normal. And this is [for you](http://i.imgur.com/kBeiLjB.jpg). (That's not me. I got big ugly guy feet.)
iphoneian: This is my problem too i only like broad feet. My girlfriend didnt showed me at first but here they are http://imgur.com/7oZ1osy and i so like them.
Teotwawki69: Be yourself and you are going to have a really, really fun time in this thing called life. And kudos to your girlfriend for finally giving up the goods.
Now... ask her to tell you the thing she's most interested in seeing, and then show it to her. Lather, rinse, repeat... road-map to pure joy...
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1403493563 | 1403496362 | t3_28ucds | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting myself at work (NSFW)
eightNote: Hey there: we're only accepting submissions about poop on Saturdays. please save your post till then:)
puddingmedic: no problem!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403492370 | 1403494502 | t3_28uat4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Silver_Fox90: Tifu by sleeping with my best friend
When I started working in the hotel I work in I became best friends with one of the girls who work here, I found out she was gay but I didn't care (im a guy)
A few months later a new girl started and I became palley with her too, we all became pretty close and then the two girls started going out together.
I was happy for them. I ended up becoming best friends with both of them and even went travelling with one of them.
A few months later they broke up but they tried to be friends until one night me and my best friend slept together while very drunk. She ended up telling her ex and my other best friend and now she hates me and I don't know what to think of My best friend either, help me please
maltedbacon: Sexuality isn't fixed or binary. I'm a guy, and I had a lesbian fuck buddy during college. She identified as lesbian, but suggested each of our hookups. I didn't ask any questions because she was fun to be around.
Do you really need to know why it happened? Either your friend was hurting and just needed some human contact, or she might be a bit bi-flexible when drunk.
She might benefit most if you just didn't make a big deal about it, and simply accept that it happened without needing an explanation or expecting that it will happen again.
Talk to her about it if she wants to talk about it, and then just continue to be her friend if she needs you.
Silver_Fox90: The only thing thing I'm annoyed about is the fact that she told her without telling me first
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403492211 | 1403757230 | t3_28uald | t5_2to41 | -67 | eightNote: It's no longer Saturday, save your shitting stories for next week!
Thanks to all who participated, and we hope to hear from even more of you next week!
If you're still interested in reading about reddit's shit, a bunch of stories were submitted to the shaturday announcement post. These can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28q9ui/its_shat_myself_saturday_lets_hear_your_poop/)
That said: Future Posters, you don't have to post them in the thread! On Saturdays, they can be posted as selfs(via the submit button)
WPBDoc: The censors have spoken.
eightNote: We spoke a while ago now.
See ya next week!
[deleted]: You're now at -49. I feel like the community is sending a bit of a message on the subject.
eightNote: There's 2000 people online right now.
That's what, 3% disapproval?
AlwaysFeedTheYaoGuai: And 0% approval.
eightNote: leaving a whopping 97% indifference rate!
[deleted]: And the 3% that disagree rate a roughly 110% on the bull shit o meter.
It was a bad choice, and this resistance to considering repealing it only makes it worse.
eightNote: > And the 3% that agree rate a roughly 110% on the bull shit o meter.
come again?
[deleted]: Dis-agree*
eightNote: well yeah, I figured that was a typo, but I don't know what to make of the "rate a roughly 110% on the bull shit o meter" part. Like, what does that mean?
******
Just so you know, there is a real chance of this policy changing in a few weeks. The right now time is largely a trial run, and it'll take a least a few Saturdays before any real evaluation of it's effectiveness for maintaining TIFU's quality can be made. If you still feel really strongly about this in 2-3 weeks, send us a bunch of modmails complaining. It'll be a whole bunch more effective than talking here, as I'm probably the only mod reading anything in this thread, and that's when we'll be considering whether or not to keep Shat Myself Saturdays, get rid of shit related posts entirely, allow them entirely, or add a flair for them.
[deleted]: Its bullshit in the sense its moderator imposed on a community that developed on those things.
Its trying to make the community grow up into a appearance when the culture here accepts even the worst. Child porn isn't OK.
Invent/shitting one self? That's OK. It doesn't need to be verifiable, it needs to entertain its reader. That being said I'll save my load up for three weeks from now.
eightNote: I get cha now.
if you'd like, I can send you a reminder, too.
| 13 | -5.153846 | |
1403507320 | 1403594782 | t3_28udh9 | t5_2to41 | 4 | sadguy29: Ok. That's good. One time my mom found my internet history and all she did was laugh and embarrass me. Breaking a computer like this is a clear sign of anger issues. If you say he's a good man though I will take your word for it. Also its nice to see another Christian on Reddit :)
[deleted]: Fuck off with your imaginary friend Jesus
sadguy29: Haha. Ok. I may leave your life but Jesus never will. :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403491127 | 1403496350 | t3_28u94j | t5_2to41 | 20 | 37thUsernameAttempt: TIFU by sucking my dangly bits
I have a quite useful superpower.
/r/autofellatio
I can suck my own dick. But only one one toilet, for some reason. No idea why, must be the roundness of the bowl putting my legs in the right spot. I'll often go stay in there for a little while.
Earlier today (yes today!) I was taking a dump in that very bathroom. I won't go into specifics, but after unloading the ballast, I decided to have some fun. I whipped the hotdog out of the grill, and went to town. As I neared the end, I moved to my hand -- I hate the taste of my own gravy -- but then something terrible happened.
Here I must pause for a second, and tell you about my other superpower, this one somewhat bothersome. I can pee while fully erect. This usually never happens, thankfully, but when it does it usually has to have some kind of trigger.
Like a head rush. Bent over like I was, it was the prime opportunity for the Terrible Gods of Peedom to strike. Slightly disoriented from the dizzy spell, I took a second to realize what was going on. Then I looked down. The last thing I saw was yellow. The pee had shot straight up, and directly into my eye. But it didn't stop there. I quickly capped the flow off with toilet paper, but that just angered them. I managed to mostly keep it off my clothes, but my pubes and the toilet were getting soaked. As I frantically tried to contain the quickly wilting fountain, I was plotting my next move.
After washing my eye out, I cleaned everything up, and splashed water on my shirt to hide the fact that I pissed on myself. All I had to do was make it from this bathroom to the other bathroom, the one with my towel with it so I could wash up. Faintly smelling of urine, and with a bright red eye, I was confronted in the hall about my wet shirt, and I mumbled something about a freak sink accident. I didn't sound very believable. I took a nice, hot shower. And then I realized I had already taken a shower that morning. I never take two showers in a day. Pretty sure everyone now knows that I pissed myself.
TL;DR: Sucked my dick, pee'd in my eye, got my pubes all yellow.
Edit: fixed formatting
[deleted]: If I could suck my own dick, I wish it didn't have to be on the toilet whilst my shit festered below me.
37thUsernameAttempt: Oh, believe me, I flushed. My shit stinks too much to not.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1403494006 | 1403533029 | t3_28ucxn | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by cheating on the girl of my dreams.
Me and my GF, let's call her Daisy, and I have been together for literally the best two years of my life (I'm 27).
From the moment I met her I just knew she was it for me. I can talk to her and tell her things I've never even wanted to admit to myself. She is the first girl I've ever want to do really silly romantic things for. She's never judged me or made me feel bad about myself. She has made me a much better person.
My mom passed away when I was little and my dad is a GREAT man, but he never really recovered from it, so he never remarried or even dated so I never really had a strong female presence in my life. I mean like i said, my dad is a great man, but ask anyone with a loving mom/SO/etc-- there really isn't anything like being taken care of by a woman. I used to hate getting sick and when she first nursed me back to health I realized it wasn't so bad. I even faked sick once because I loved the care I got! Even the little things she does like when I am having a bad day or if I have a headache, make all the difference in my world. She is the first woman I can ever remember deeply loving me. It has made me so much less bitter about women, families and relationships in general.
Anyway...
A few months ago an ex-girlfriend of mine, I'll call her Lily, sent me an email about a sex tape we made when we were like 21. She asked if I still had a copy of it (I did, but hadn't watched it in years) and if I did, could I sent it do her. I thought it was a little weird but I obliged, I figured she had the right to have it too. So I sent it to her. A few days later she sent me back an email saying how much crazy fun we were having back then. I agreed and sooner or later it turned into this really heated crazy cyber affair thing. I mean pictures/videos/skype. All of it. The thing is, I was not really attracted to Lily at all. When we weren't online together I didn't even think of her. If anything it was sort of just like porn that was customized just for me. She might as well have been a cam girl. If I could have Daisy at any of those times I would have picked her first without a doubt.
After about three months of this Lily emailed me saying she would be back in town (we now live on opposite coasts) and asked if I wanted to meet up (she did not know that much about Daisy). I was hesitant, but then she named the dates-- it was the first weekend of June! I knew for a fact Daisy was going to be a wedding I couldn't attend. I would be home alone. It was like the stars were aligned for me! It would all work out and be fool proof. I don't know why, but it didn't even feel like cheating, it was all sort of surreal. I wish something had stopped me. I wish my brain would have reminded me to feel guilty or actually think it through.
Anyway me and Lily eventually hook up and its fun and thrilling but not exactly great sex. The next week we spend exchanging about our one time romp. Then Daisy happened to read my emails, which went back at least a few months, and discovered all that I had been up to.
**As a side note: I don't think Daisy was snooping. She said she was using my laptop to check her email since her phone was broken (it was) and that mean she typed in gmail my account was open and popped up-- which happens often enough and she's never read my emails. Anyway given that the subject like was "I MISS YOUR COCK" sent from my ex girlfriend. She looked. I don't blame her for this. It was all my fuck up.
Anyway Daisy understandably flipped her shit. She said that she hated me. She said she could understand a one time fling with a rando, but a full blown affair with an ex, virtual or not, was unforgivable. She took everything that was hers and left immediately. I have not seen or heard from her in five days. She deleted her facebook, blocked me on instagram and wont take my calls. I went by her place and her roommate threatened to call the cops if I didn't leave.
I feel so lost and broken without her. I'm miserable. I feel even more awful and worried about how she feels. I miss her so fucking much.
I have a feeling she is gone for good.
EDIT/UPDATE:
I am currently more depressed than I've ever been in my life. She is officially gone for good. I hate myself. I know I do not deserve your sympathy. I acknowledge your judgements and all I can say as I judge myself as being 100x worse than anything you've said to me. I'm sorry for those I offended and pissed off. I know I'm scum.
ThatGetItKid: Tsk tsk. Classic rookie mistake. Using your own personal email acct that you keep logged in. If you played it safe you could have gotten away with it. But now, she probably is gone for good.
BucketOfTruthiness: Well, you're kind of an asshole.
ThatGetItKid: ............................
\>implying
no
BucketOfTruthiness: You're giving tips on how to get away with cheating...so, yes.
ThatGetItKid: \>still implying
no
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