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1403580191 | 1403641151 | t3_28xn4f | t5_2to41 | 1,085 | [deleted]: TIFU by having really enthusiastic sex. (NSFW)
My boyfriend and I spent the evening eating raw cookie dough and watching movies on my couch, and it was getting late. So, naturally, the mood shifted to sexual pretty quickly, and before I knew it I was on my back on the bed.
Before I go totally into things, let me preface this. I have a cat I love like a child. Spike the Guardcat is his name. He has a spiked collar. He's adorable. And he's also part demon. When he's not fed at the right time, or when he's disturbed while relaxing, he takes it out on the poor dog, or a nearby human. You don't really get much warning, either. His eyes turn blacker than the pits of hell and he crouches down and wiggles his butt for a second... then he launches. There's blood, screaming, scratchmarks.. it isn't pretty.
My boyfriend and I are going at it, and my bedframe starts to shake and squeak a little. This happens often, it's not excessive, but I'm sure it ruined my cat's glorious nap quite rudely. I'm about to orgasm, and then my boyfriend stopd and tenses up really quickly. For a second I think he's coming.. then he yowls. It was inhuman. It's several more seconds before I realize what's going on, and see the grey and black ball of fur attached to his ass.
"SPIKE!! BAD KITTY!!!" I yell. He releases his fangs.. but the damage is done. My boyfriend has a ring of puncture wounds and is bleeding pretty badly from his left buttcheek. Mood ruined. Boner gone. And the demonic cat is sitting in the corner, tail twitching, with the closest thing to a smile I've seen on a cat.
TL;DR: My cat is satan.
kings1234: If any boyfriend has ever deserved a blowjob...
BBQsauce18: Or anal! Shoot for the stars, my friend.
Tyrien: It's really not all that it's cracked up to be.
scottfree420: butt....really its not?
[deleted]: It's in the brown eye of the beholder.
scottfree420: that's an assinine statement
velma_420: this. this right here. this is why I love you reddit.
ZenMasterMike: sphincter.
| 9 | 120.555556 | |
1403579764 | 1403673472 | t3_28xmh0 | t5_2to41 | 6,631 | BigDumbDope: TIFU by hugging John Green.
I went to see The Book of Mormon Saturday night in Indianapolis. At intermission, I hit the loo, got another beer (a mistake, it seems), and met up with my husband to head back to our seats. Spotted John Green ahead of me. Told my husband who he was and SPRINTED toward him. Realized midway that I didn't really have a plan. What was I going to say when I got there? By the time I formed the thought, it was too late and I was tipsy and excited, so I did the first thing that came to my mind. I said, "I'm sorry, but I have to do this." And hugged him.
Him: "That...was very nice of you."
Me: "No, that was very nice of YOU."
Then I ran away before he had a chance to call security on me.
Turns out, I know somebody who knows somebody who knows John Green. They mentioned the story at work today and someone said, "I was with him at the show!" Or something. And according to them, he HATED this encounter. Not that I blame him. Apparently (and again, this is thirdhand, but it's hardly surprising) he doesn't like to be touched too much by approaching fans- probably because it makes him anxious. It'd sure as hell make me anxious- and he doesn't get a moment's peace in this town to begin with. People are in his face all the time.
I feel awful. The poor guy just wanted to see a hilarious musical, not get assaulted. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing: I'm sorry, John Green. I still think you're pretty awesome. I think maybe I forgot to be awesome just then.
thesoundandthefury: Hey.
The third-hand story you heard is, I think, untrue. I remember meeting you (you were very polite), and afterwards I went to my seat and my best friend Chris said, "Who was that?" And I said, "I don't know," and that was the end of it.
I had a panic attack after the end of the play, which might be what the person who was with me at the show remembered. It's not anyone's fault that I had a panic attack; it's my faulty brain wiring, and nothing that you (or anyone else at the show) did wrong. There have been a few semi-credible threats against my family and me in the past month, and that combined with my panic disorder proved problematic, but it really really really is not your fault.
It's true that I feel uncomfortable hugging people I don't know, but again, that is not your fault.
I am very grateful that you think highly enough of me or my work to want to say hi. It's incredibly difficult in that situation to express mutual gratitude, because it's an inherently heightened and unnatural dynamic in which it's very difficult for either of us to imagine the other as a complicated human being going through all the things that complicated humans go through. But thank you.
I once met a writer I really admired at a reception for an award they won, and they were really rude to me. It bugged me for years. Then we met again at a book conference and had a great conversation, and after a long while I said, "I hope this doesn't seem weird to mention, but you're much friendlier than you were the last time we met." They didn't remember meeting me, so I reminded them of the occasion. And this writer I admire so much said, "Oh God! I'm so sorry! I'd found out that my dad had died an hour before and my publisher didn't want me to miss that reception, and it was this joyful occasion and my dad was dead and I was just--I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I was rude to you!" And then of course I had to apologize for this resentment I'd held for years. So you never really know someone else's experience, is I guess what I'm saying, but we're all doing our best, and I was glad to meet you, and thanks again for responding generously to my work.
BigDumbDope: I. I just. Oh my God.
I cannot express how mortified I was when I heard this was upsetting to you. Not off-put, but ashamed: My immediate reaction was, "WELL OBVIOUSLY." I felt horrible that I might have made someone so uncomfortable. With all of the attention you've gotten recently, of course some looneys came out of the woodwork. I do not wish to be that looney. I don't want an encounter with me to be "the price of fame." You were amazingly gracious, then and now.
Also, I swear on my life I didn't know you were a Redditor! Honestly, the best-case scenario in my head was to be widely ignored so I could tell myself it wasn't that big a deal. (I knew it was a risky move.) This was WAY WAY better.
Anyway, thank you so much for responding, especially with such a lovely response. I asked my friend to tell her friends (actually her bosses) to please, please apologize on my behalf. I guess I can cancel that.
I haven't seen Colbert yet. I hope it went well. I'm sure you crushed it!
Wanna sign my Indianapolis Monthly? :) (KIDDING...unless you'll do it in which case I am totally not kidding.)
EDIT: Dude. DUDE. Someone gave me Gold. I am very grateful for it. Thank you!
PREDATORA: Wait is this the person that knows John Green or someone else (that you are replying to)?
notProfCharles: Juan Verde...
redfoot1234: Jacques Vert
sourcreamjunkie: J'onn J'onzz
HeliumTooHigh: Gröne Johan
rattamahatta: Johannes Grün.
yurigoul: 'Groene Jantje' or 'Jan het groentje' (John the beginner/without knowledge)
pl4yswithsquirrels: Dutch?
el_loco_avs: Yep
| 12 | 552.583333 | |
1403581086 | 1403638761 | t3_28xoez | t5_2to41 | 21 | caught_fapping: TIFU by not verifying my kid was asleep before fapping NSFW
God Dammit. The kids have been in bed since 8. It is now 10. I had been waiting for sexy time for about 2 weeks. We have 4 kids ages 2-9 and with all the responsibility, and the breast feeding I'm lucky if I get any at all. I had asked for some booty last night, but after the season 2 finale of OITNB on netflix we were tired and went to bed. Sooo, maybe tonight I thought. I was browsing beeg since my wife had left the room in anticipation of some action. She had been putting the 2 year old down for about 2 hrs and every time she tried to get up he would cry, and he might be getting sick, and I was getting tired and had a headache creeping. So. I quietly shut our bedroom door. (I am in the living room because the 2 year old sleeps in our room) I turn out the lights, grab some coconut oil and a paper towel and get to work. I'm going with some Moms Bang Teens. I've always had a thing for older ladies. Then I switch to Squirting. I watch a 10 minute squirting lesbian orgy vid, then I find the one. Two young brunettes with perfect asses and beautiful pussies, and sexy squirty, sensual, you get the idea. So, I'm pulling on my nut sack, working the head and then the shaft, and comes this perfect shot of ass, pussy, Doggy fucking, and that's all I need. I blow the hugest load I've ever seen. Then. I hear a sound from my son's room. (9). I quickly clean and tidy and go check. Flip on the hall light. He is squinting in the direction of the doorway. Shit. I ask if he got up. He responds "I thought you were in bed, and I was going to go sleep on the couch". Fuck. I tell him to not get out of bed again and goodnight. Fuck. He had to have seen me. As of right now, I'm thinking just never mention it. Let him bury it and in a few years or so he will get it. I don't know. Anyway. Shit.
supreme_dolan: Hard to tell if any TIFU story is fake or not but tbh i still enjoy a good laugh good job OP you sorta delivered.
CodBruceLee360: K I'm a noob to reddit I've had my account for a year and only recently started using it and I get a lot of reddit lingo but not all so what does OP mean? Sorry I'm a scrub
[deleted]: Original Poster
supreme_dolan: well shit i was late.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1403581541 | 1403708033 | t3_28xp38 | t5_2to41 | 219 | [deleted]: TIFU by not sleeping for 3 straight days.
Happened last year, I still get comments on the scar. Anyways, the story: It was unavoidable..
Day 1: homecoming parade; at night, the homecoming game. And since I'm on the spirit crew, I had to be there for the whole thing to cheer our team on. 5 of my friends sleep over, so, no sleep.
Day 2: Leave at 6AM for a debate tournament, kick ass, win nerd trophy, and make it home just in time for homecoming dance. I change from a suit to a sparkly dress in the car, like the secret agents from movies. Let down my hair, shake it out, slap some lipstick on, and struggle into my heels as im going in the door. End up hitting it off with a really attractive guy, and get his number. Get home at 1AM, dont sleep because my brain is swimming with joy like the 16 year old i am, and i have to skype ALL my friends about it.
Day 3: I bike everywhere.. so, im biking to my little brother's football game on my 1962 vintage Raleigh when theres a screech, and a thud, and im on the hood of a Honda Odyssey. I wasnt paying a ton of attention because I was so tired, and the driver was on the phone.
It hit my right side, I get off the hood pretty fast, and get off my bike. I'm in shock, so I dont feel any of the pain from breaking my cheekbone, losing 6 teeth, tearing my whole upper lip, and cracking a rib. Blood is dripping everywhere, and I honest to god look the driver in the eye and say "Red is my favorite color" and maniacally laugh. Then I calmly call my mother and tell her ive been hit by a car, but I'm totally fine, i just broke my bike and need a ride to the game.
I pass out. When I wake up I remember nothing from the past 30 minutes. I was told by the driver and my parents. I had emergency oral surgery in the next hour to put 11 stitches in my lip, without anesthesia because I'm immune to the drug they gave me. They couldnt replace my teeth until wednesday, so I faced 3 days of school with the top right row gone. I looked like Harvey Dent, swear to god. -- One half of my face was the girl that got stares in the good way, and the other half was the kind that got EVERYONE looking, in a not-so-good way.
The guy i met at homecoming literally grimaced when he saw me, and said he wasnt interested because i "wasnt hot anymore". A year later, people still notice that when I smile, only one half of my mouth moves. I look mostly fine now, except for the faint deformity in my lip. Bike safety, kids.
TL;DR: Hit by car, spent a month looking like Harvey Dent, BUT DAMN DID I DENT THAT MOTHERFUCKING CAR WITH MY FACE.
slakisdotcom: "wasnt hot anymore"
-- that's messed up.
[deleted]: Very recently he started talking to me again.. flirting, even. And he asked me out. I said "no, because youre just not hot anymore". Felt like a winner right there.
andylawa42: > I said "no, because youre just not hot anymore".
rekt
The-Rez: ###[X] REKT [ ] NOT REKT
| 5 | 43.8 | |
1403582134 | 1403588565 | t3_28xpya | t5_2to41 | 3 | MrAvery: TIFU By pooping at the dermatologist
agentlame: Removed; all shit posts are now reserved for Saturdays. Please post this again next sat.
MrAvery: Ok:)
| 3 | 1 | |
1403582811 | 1403673626 | t3_28xr0x | t5_2to41 | 63 | ao-mame: TIFU by unknowingly flashing my school
This horrible, awful, incredibly embarrassing situation happened to me about a month ago while at college.
The day of the fuck-up was a rather warmish day in the spring, so I decided to wear a new dress of mine with black tights underneath. This was where I made my fatal mistake.
I go to all my classes and once I'm done for the day, I head to the bathroom before I take the walk back to my dorm. However, I didn't notice that the back of my dress had gotten caught in my backpack strap, completely exposing the right half of my butt.
Now I knew something felt weird back there...I was a little afraid that there was a problem with my dress so I attempted to fix it. But apparently whatever I attempted to fix did nothing to cover my ass.
I walked the entire way out of the building and halfway across campus with no absolute idea what was wrong. I noticed that some guy standing next to me was looking at me very weirdly, so nervously I pulled down my dress in the back and FINALLY realized that I just EXPOSED MY BUTT to hundreds of students and professors....with no one telling me.....
I was completely mortified, hurried my way back to my dorm, and changed my clothes immediately. I didn't want anyone to recognize me in that dress.
Even worse was later that day, an anonymous person posted a status about it on a group affiliated with my school....and many people liked it. It horrifies me even more that so many people noticed and SAID NOTHING. I'm afraid that there are pictures of me somewhere and I never EVER want to wear that dress again, so traumatizing I can't look at it without feeling sick....
BloodQueef_McOral: I was at a wedding where the aunt's dress started oping up in the front. She screamed OMG! and when people started looking at her, she pointed to her open dress and said, "Look! It's opening! This is so embarrassing! Hahahaha!" She then adjusted herself after alerting everyone to her conundrum. Mind you, she did have a few drinks in her, but I've always admired her for handling an embarrassing situation with the utmost of confidence. Point attention to it, rectify it, and then give no fucks. Now, I wouldn't take it as far as pointing attention to it, but if you own up to it if it was ever mentioned and give no fucks, then it's not a big deal. Everyone has had something happen to them, toilet paper hanging from pants, booger in the nose, lipstick on teeth, dress in panties, etc. Actually heard of a teacher in a dress have her panties fall down.
ao-mame: I like your attitude a lot!
BloodQueef_McOral: I'm not as good as the aunt, but I try. Another story, a bit nastier, so I'll summarize, but I read a story on reddit about someone who had 'gastric problems' on an airplane and it was the most embarrassing thing ever. She described it in detail, every step, with people's reaction to each step. It was quite an embarrassing story. A few minutes later, I thought about it, and remembered that I was in the exact same situation a few years ago. Only, I gave no fucks, assumed that no one noticed, and promptly forgot about it. If you think everyone is judging you, you will feel bad. Most people didn't notice or can't remember it's you.
ao-mame: Very true. Glad it was in college rather than high school too. That would be a bummer.
BloodQueef_McOral: Damn, we still gossip about stuff from high school, like the guy who had bad breath at a party once. Haven't seen him in years, but it would be the first thing I'd think about, since every time I have bad breath I refer to it as Steve-breath.
I guess this totally contradicts everything I said earlier. Damn...
ao-mame: It's like anything that happened in high school is definitely remembered.
BloodQueef_McOral: Hey, just now, I sat on a chair and thought that I had ao-mame-ass, but it was just a cold chair.
ao-mame: Very cute, very funny :)
BloodQueef_McOral: See, you can laugh at it now.
ao-mame: Posting this actually made me feel better. Thanks
BloodQueef_McOral: Awesome. Any time you feel bad, I'll be here to mock you into feeling better.
| 12 | 5.25 | |
1403581543 | 1403745592 | t3_28xp3d | t5_2to41 | 626 | wholivesintheeastSP: TIFU: My Cuban Missile Crisis
This didn’t happen today. It was two years ago and it still haunts me to this day.
I had recently gotten out of a destructive relationship. How might one deal with a relationship the equivalent of Hiroshima? Well, you drink copious amounts of alcohol and drunkenly book a trip to Cuba with your roommate. This is where my general demise begins....
Fast forward a few months. After several days of pounding back Shi Shi rum, Brandy Alexanders and snorkel beers I have somewhat lost touch with reality and my ability to make intelligent decisions has drastically decreased. One evening my roommate decides he needs to call it an early night and heads back to our room. I’m recently single, depressed and in need of some serious adventure time. I have been drunk for about 24 hours straight and I thought it was a glorious idea to go and find such adventure.
I left our room and got lost in the Jungle (realistically it was a tropical resort garden about half the size of a football field but I was too drunk to know the difference). After about 45 minutes of fighting through the bush and using my Man Vs. Wild knowledge (God bless you Bear Grylls) I was able to find my way out of this godforsaken jungle. I saw my first sight of civilization. There happened to be a herd of Russians sitting at a table near the edge of the jungle. They welcomed me into their herd as if I was an abandoned baby antelope in need of a nurturing family.
Even though our communication was limited and we probably sounded like cavemen trying to speak, we really hit it off. The female leader of the herd grew quite fond of me. She had about 17 years on me. This is where the Shi Shi rum had failed me. I thought she was a goddess. Realistically, she was the equivalent of Carol from “Where the Wild Things Are”. This is really where shit starts to go south.
So the Russians want to go cool off in the watering hole. At 1am I found myself removing my clothes at the beach and turning my boxers into one of those epic European banana hammocks. I heard they were trendy and I wanted to fit in. I think it worked. Carol was all over me. I soon found myself with my head underwater, between Carol’s thighs and enjoying glorious butthole pleasures. We soon emerged from the ocean and these butthole pleasures continued everywhere. I literally mean everywhere. In the jungle, pools, dining room tables, stairwells, just everywhere. Carol couldn’t get enough of me. In broken Russian she said “I want you in me, but I can’t. I have a husband”. In my sober mind this would have been a 300 foot red flag. However, the Shi Shi rum said game on. Especially when she said her husband was super abusive and she wanted to do it to spite him.
She came up with this intricate plan to bang my brains out so her husband wouldn’t find out. Her other Russian friend knew what was going on and placed her room card in front of me and told me to use her room. She said Carol would meet me there in 30 minutes. I took the card. This should have been another red flag. I could have been kidnapped and put into the sex industry or had my organs sold off. I didn’t give a shit. I wanted Carol’s sweet nectar of the god’s. At this point time really started to slow down. I think I had reached my peak drunkenness.
I went to the room. The card worked. As I entered and looked around I saw kid’s toys everywhere. This really weirded me out. I think whatever brain cells I had left started to fire and told me to get the hell out of there. I paced back and forth for a while thinking about my options. For a brief second I panicked and wanted to leave. However, I didn’t want to hurt Carol’s feelings and I decided to avoid using the hallway in case I ran into her. I decided to say fuck it I am going to jump from one balcony to another. I got to the balcony and was staring across trying to judge how badly this would hurt. Turns out i’m a bitch and I knew my hobbit legs wouldn’t make the gap. I went to go use the door to leave and I saw the handle turn. Fuck it was Carol. Time froze and all that went through my head was shit NOW I need to take one for the team. I spent all of my time I could have left with thinking about how much of a bitch I was.
It was almost like that scene from the 40 Year Old Virgin where he was putting the condom over his balls. The Shi Shi rum had taken its tole and this rubber wasn’t going on. We took the chance and prayed to the God’s of gravity that nothing came of this. Carol and I proceeded to make sweet animal love and experience more butthole pleasures. At this point part of my childhood was shattered before my eyes. She was on all fours and I had looked over her shoulder. She was clenching the ever living shit out of one of the kid’s stuffed Winnie the Pooh Tigger doll’s. At this point I realized I had hit rock bottom. I couldn’t keep going. I threw in the towel. Carol wasn’t finished and she decided help my depressed whisky dick back to life. I ended up skull fucking her until she thought it was a grand idea to choke when I unleashed my man juice and spit it all over me. I crawled out of bed and looked back at my shame. There were condoms littered all over the room from my failed attempts and this sad looking Tigger doll just staring at me. Judging me. I hung my head in shame and went back to my room to contemplate life....covered in my own shameful man juice.
I thought this entire ordeal was over and I could get on with my life. No such luck. Fast forward later on in the day. Who do I see walking down the resort’s pathway......Carol. Fucking Carol. She looks all depressed and her arms are covered in bruises. She had the genius idea of telling her abusive husband about the dirty butthole pleasures that went on in hopes of pissing him off. At this point I realized I fucked up and felt like an ultimate bag of shit. Turns out the Cuban police came that morning, arrested him, gave him a restraining order and moved him to another resort.
Later on that night my roommate and I decided to go hit up the club in the resort. Who do I see.....Fucking Carol. I can’t escape her. She is like a black hole that I can’t avoid. I spoke with her for a few minutes and decided to take off to the dance floor to try and avoid her for the rest of the night. I shit you not. Less then 5 minutes later I am enjoying life on the dance floor and out of nowhere Putin’s unholy hand of righteous kick ass comes from the sky and lays me the fuck out on the dance floor. I soon learned that the physics and science of a 4 foot shitty fence separating the resorts won’t keep out one pissed off Russian husband who’s wife just got skull fucked by a Canadian basically half her age. I gave him that look of you win, I fucked up but you sir, are also a dick. I ended up going to the washroom to clean myself off. I ended up puking on myself on the way there and of course, with my luck the water wasn’t working. I had blood on my face and was covered in puke. The Shi Shi rum was still flowing through my veins and I had the genius idea of cleaning myself off with the toilet water. I remember looking in the mirror, staring at myself and thinking you have officially hit rock bottom. I went back to my room and I never saw Carol again.
To this day I still think of how I probably have Russian bastard triplets somewhere in the world or how Carol was probably sacrificed to the Kremlin by her hulk-like husband.
TL;DR: Drunk trip to Cuba, Got lost in a jungle, adopted by Russians, made love to Carol from WTWTA, got my own jizz in my face, judged by a tigger doll, punched in the face by Carol’s husband
MyCreatedAccount: Ohh, Canadian that is why you were allowed in Cuba! I was wondering how you got there I just assumed you were American and just lying.
MySockHurts: Why aren't Americans allowed in Cuba?
PartTimeBarbarian: In the 60's Russia tried to install facilities from which they could (would?) fire nukes from. They chose Cuba because they couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with their shit-tier missiles unless they were right next door.
We caught them red handed, and they decided they'd rather just stop instead of battle the US, because we are war-mongering arms dealers that would fuck their outdated navy in the ass.
An embargo was placed on Cuba, and 50 years later we still can't buy/trade with them, or vacation there, because they're dirty fucking commies I guess.
PapaWhiskeyPapa: Wow, someone seems a tad bitter about something that happened almost 52 years ago...
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Cuba is still under an oppressive dictatorship. If we did trade with them, people would be pissed at us for supporting it. It's a lose-lose situation.
Rex_Reach: Because the US has never ever supported or traded with oppressive dictatorships like Iraq and Iran and Nicaragua and the DRC and Vietnam and Saudi Arabia and Egypt and South Korea...
bs27858: *slow clap* Fucking bravo....
MyCreatedAccount: It is on place because they are Commies and it is illegal.
bs27858: Yeah but the Chinese are Communist and I can book a flight right now. In fact, the only current Communist nation that I CANNOT book a flight to is Cuba. So remind me again, why the hell is it illegal to go to Cuba, smoke a cigar, and drink rum? Because of some missiles from 50 years ago?
MyCreatedAccount: The embargo is recognized as an illegal action by the UN and only remains in place because the US has major military, economical, and political pull in the international markets.
| 11 | 56.909091 | |
1403585450 | 1403660931 | t3_28xuin | t5_2to41 | 5 | iamadumb-ass: TIFU By kissing my friends girlfriend.
We were at her house for a party (her parents and extended family were there also, so nothing frisky was going on). We were all pretty drunk personally, I was near blackout drunk. (I remember the night, just not specific details or reasons for my judgement). Needless to say, they were on a bench outside and I came out and started talking and the conversation continued and I ended up asking her boyfriend if I could kiss her on the forehead and he goes "sure, iamadumb-ass. You're a good guy, go ahead. So I kiss her on the forehead and don't think very much of it. Then I woke up. And that was the one thing that just hung over my head for the next two days. I just talked to her today about it and apologized, which she said that it was simply a friendly kiss on the forehead and we were drunk and it happens. My problem is that A) I'm very particular about relationships and I believe that I had absolutely no business doing anything like that and was completely out of line. And B) what kind of ass hat asks a guy if they can kiss their girlfriend? Needless to say, I just feel like I betrayed them both even though she doesn't hold anything against me.
Tldr; asked friend if I could kiss his girlfriend, he said yes and I kissed her. I now feel like an asshat.
[deleted]: If neither of them feel bad about it in the least, why would you?
iamadumb-ass: I just feel like I crossed a boundary, I'm more upset about the fact that I thought it was a good idea than that I actually did it. If that makes any sense at all.
[deleted]: Yeah I feel you, but remember, it wasn't really YOU, more than it was the alcohol, I'm sure you would have never done anything like that sober, yeah?
iamadumb-ass: Yeah, it's just that was the first time I've done something like that, and I just don't want to make it a trend. And there wouldn't be any way in the world that I wouldn't have done that sober. I'm quite stoic normally.
| 5 | 1 | |
1403586265 | 1403661230 | t3_28xvgz | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU By thinking I was ready to start eating solids.
Yesterday, I had one of my wisdom teeth removed. The procedure wasn't too bad, and only lasted around 30 minutes. I've worked out that as long as I stay high on pain killers, I don't really feel a thing.
Not being able to feel much pain, I thought "Why should I be eating soup when there's a perfectly good roast chicken in the fridge?" So I happily began to chew on some pieces of chicken. Delicious. So worth it.
Until shortly later, I felt some food in the back of my mouth. No big deal, I'll just get it with my tongue. Nope, no good. This bit of chicken is wedged in there real good, and it's starting to get quite uncomfortable.
Taking a look in front of the mirror, I see the tip of the chicken poking out of the gaping hole that the dentist left in my gum. Shit. I grab some tweezers and try to pluck that bad boy out, but I just manage to push it further in until I can no longer see it.
After 10 minutes of pulling out bloody bits of... God I don't even know if it was pieces of chicken or gum, I finally gave up.
Now the hole is bleeding non-stop (again), and I'm terrified of a piece of chicken rotting inside of my gum. *Shiiiit*.
**TL;DR Piece of chicken got swallowed into the hole in my gum where my wisdom tooth used to be**.
-My_Other_Account-: You are probably going to end up with a dry socket.
When your painkillers don't work and the throbbing won't stop, go back ro the dentist immediately.
shellehbelleh: > Dry socket
...Going to google that.
Edit: Ugh. I'll keep an eye out for those symptoms, thanks.
-My_Other_Account-: I had three of them. They suck, but they are manageable. The dentist or oral surgeon who pulled your wisdom teeth will help you if you get a dry socket.
You will know if you have one. Your pain meds will not work. It is an unrelenting throbbing sensation. If it does happen, you will probably be given medicated gauze strips that taste like cloves to pack in the hole, or you will be given a special medicated gel in a syringe to dispense into the hole. As soon as you receive treatment, the pain will subside.
shellehbelleh: You poor thing. Thanks for your help!
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1403588003 | 1403672577 | t3_28xxge | t5_2to41 | 11 | chowead: TIFU by going to an interview
So I'm suppose to have my first interview this morning, nervous as fuck, but guess what? Because of some miscommunication, the store manager (I forgot to ask for the name when he phoned me last Fri, big mistake) who were supposed to interview me is not there this morning! Needless to say I was, still do, feel embarrassed by the whole event. Now I feel like it was all my fault. Fuckkkk!!!
Edit: Grammar.
bagelove: same thing happened to me lol.
chowead: Really?! Did they like call you back afterward to schedule another interview?
bagelove: Well I had gone in like 5 times, then he said he liked my consistency so he scheduled an interview, then I went in the day we planned and he wasn't working that day so I went back the next day and he told me that he hired 3 people the other day but I can try again next month and I said no haha. It was too much effort for one low paid job when I instantly got another one the moment I applied.
chowead: Oh that sucks! Sorry to hear about that but you did get hired at another one so that's good. :D
bagelove: ya trust me, don't give up if it doesn't work out, the right place that's meant to be will always be around the corner :)
chowead: :)
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1403575762 | 1403620520 | t3_28xgkc | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by dripping Sriracha on a baby's head.
Was at a Garbanzo's (Mediterranean food), at the condiments counter. There are no little containers into which one can squirt the delicious sriracha for one's shwarma, so I used a plastic to go cup lid instead. I fill that sucker up with sriracha. Now, tall dividers separate this counter from the seats, so as I rounded the corner to find a booth, I could not see the infant in the baby carrier that was at ground-level, so when I rounded the corner, I jerked to the right in surprise; this led to a few drops of sriracha escaping the confines of the lid-cum-saucer, one drop of which splashed on the infant's tender head.
I flip out and start apologizing, but the mother said not to worry and was quick to wet some napkins with water and wipe it away. Baby didn't even notice.
TL;DR, plopped hot sauce on an infant's delicate scalp.
i_forgot_my_towel: Don't worry, the baby is absolutely fine. My son has had countless hot sauces dripped on his head.
AdvocateOfTheHelix: Lol why?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403592751 | 1403616535 | t3_28y2m8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Yeah-RIght: TIFU and kicked a child in the chest
So I like playgrounds (i'm 20/f so not considered creepy) and I found an awesome one on my way to the mall. No children were around since it was during school hours so I was enjoying my time.
I decided to go down the slide and, unbeknownst to me, a mother and her son had come onto the grounds. Just as I exited the slide at a fast speed, 2 feet out in front of me, he walked passed.
I got him straight on the chest, both feet full force, knocking him down. He obviously started crying and his mother just stared at me and ran over. I apologised and left never to return again, I still feel sooooo bad.
[deleted]: you asshole.
Dinosoarman: It's the kids own fault for walking in front of the slide.
Ive done some stupid stuff like that too.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1403594051 | 1403595867 | t3_28y3ss | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by googling after sex.
I recently hooked up with a guy slightly older than me, nothing unreasonable. He was very attractive and it was a lot of fun. Today I had too much time to kill and I decided googling him was a good idea. On the google I found multiple arrests, multiple marriages and multiple children- born within the last couple months. I've now completely lost interest. TIFU my fun by using google.
CodBruceLee360: I think you fucked up by hooking up with a criminal,not using google
choczynski: CodBruceLee360 is right.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403580241 | 1403617247 | t3_28xn6h | t5_2to41 | 3 | Gmajj: TIFU by Money Laundering
I went to wash my sons work clothes. He is a waiter and for some reason he left a lot of his tip money in his pocket. He usually doesn't do this, and I usually check his pockets. When I went to get the clothes out of the washer to put into the dryer, there was all this wet money lying in there amongst his shirts and assorted other clothing. I thought I took it all out and laid it on the washer to dry, but still managed to run 4 bills through the dryer. All in all I'd say I washed about 30 bills of different denominations. They are now wrinkled, but dry and much cleaner than they were a few hours ago. The end.
steezyvape: Uhh... money laundering is something very different. Haha. All you did is wash money.
Gmajj: I know. Bad pun:)
| 3 | 1 | |
1403601084 | 1403615417 | t3_28y9mf | t5_2to41 | 4 | dynorphin: TIFU by not unsubscribing from this shitty subreddit till now
Seriously, this is like, the weakest collection of fake fucking stories ever, half of you need to put your dicks away while you fantasize and the other half needs to pull them out. I don't think I have read one story that was interesting, made me laugh or otherwise feel anything.
P.S. TIFU by shitting on the Katy Perry in an elevator.
P.P.S ahh, unsubscribe
P.P.P.S How the fuck did this get made default
TheJackal8: I do wish the stories were better. When I first subscribed the stories were great and thought out; now they're pretty low effort. It probably doesn't help that we're a default but I don't think we're going to un-default. The other mods seem to like it so I wouldn't hold your breath on that.
I strongly agree, though, that this sub needs to go back to its roots. I'm so tired of seeing these stories that are barely fuck ups and end with the OP asking for advice. I've suggested that we remove posts asking for advice because I believe it would help with content but we weren't sure what the community reaction would be.
PM_me_yourkittens: I like the idea of removing advice posts. Or having a tag that people put on them, and then have a button so that users have the option to filter them out.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403602685 | 1403618231 | t3_28yavx | t5_2to41 | 14 | warrior_n: TIFU by lying to my girlfriend
Today my girlfriend asked me if I went to lunch to a female coworker of mine and I said no. I denied it after she asked a second time. I then came clean about it. She got extremely upset and asked why I lied. I told her that I thought it would upset her if I told her, and that she should trust that it was nothing more than just lunch with a coworker.
We've been together for four years. We've grown together, and built a solid relationship. I figured that if I told her it would give her a reason to get upset when she didn't need to. Then again, in hindsight I should've just told her. Maybe then she would've just been hurt at the moment and gotten over it once she realized it was nothing. Instead I lied about it and now she says she can't trust me.
She broke up with me and I can't stop thinking about everything we had together over the years, and everything we planned on having together in the future. All for what? A meaningless lunch with a female coworker.
TLDR I lied to my girlfriend about going to lunch with a female coworker and she broke up with me
Update: We got together and talked things through. Most of you hit it right on the nail. She was upset because she thought I wasn't committed, and that I hadn't been communicating with her enough. We realized that in the 4 years we've been together we've grown immensely and that we're not the same people that we were when we started. But we still love each other and the people we've become. I explained to her that it was stupid of me to lie and that I should've just told her. It made things worse that I lied because it made her believe I lied about other things. In the end we realized that this is something super insignificant to break up over and that so long as we work on communicating better we'll be fine. Thanks for all the comments.
Update 2: I found out today that the coworker is a big cunt. She set everything up to break me and my girlfriend up. She emailed me yesterday asking to go to lunch again. I said no. Today my gf called me crying about lying to her again. I sent her the emails. I emailed the coworker telling her to never talk to me again. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel. I learned that I'm too naive, and see the good in people. I never thought I would be in this position. I don't know what else to do. My girlfriend and I love each other. Like nothing else. I don't know what to do... I feel broken inside. I feel like the nice person that I am to everything has come back to bite me in the ass. I don't want to lose her.
king_olaf_the_hairy: There's got to be more to the story than this. Why did she ask? Why would you instinctively lie? Why would she have been bothered if you'd said 'yes' initially?
Do you and the female co-worker have history? Is your girlfriend extremely paranoid and possessive? Have you been unfaithful in the past? There's no plausible explanation for a "solid four-year relationship" going down the toilet over an innocent lunch without more context than what's been provided so far.
warrior_n: I think she's been upset lately because all of her friends have been getting engaged and I hadn't proposed yet. We were supposed to be in Paris next month. I have the ring.
Im not sure why I lied. I guess I thought she would've thought that there was something going on when there wasnt. There is no history with this coworker. I've only known her for a few weeks, and we only work once a week together. I've never been unfaithful, but she said that if I would go to lunch and keep it from her, what else would I keep from her. Just all around fuck up on my part by keeping it from her.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1403584280 | 1403621273 | t3_28xsyx | t5_2to41 | 12 | Kenkae30: TIFU by Texting a girl something that was meant for my friend.
So a couple of weeks ago i went as 3rd wheel with some friends (we'll call them Bill and Ali) to festival downtown. It was cool but they were still in their honey moon stage so all it was watching them make out and trying to find the right time to jump into a conversation. Fast forward to use walking back to the car to leave. When Ali got a call from one of her friends,Toni< asking if we wanted to hit the bars downtown. Bill and Ali said they were to tired but it turns out middle school with Toni so she asked if I would still come hang out because we had some unfinished business. ( In high school we tried hooking up multiple times but for what ever reason be it the gods or bad timing it never happened.) So we get back to Bill's place so i could grab my car and Ali's coaching me up telling me how much Toni wants me to come down and hang out with her because she wants to finish what we started. So I start making my way to the bars when my friend Kev texted me asking me what i was doing. Usually when we have a lot to say we just send a quick video saying what we need to say so we don't have to text it. (weird probably but whatever) Any ways I make him a video saying something along the lines of " Yo man I'm headed downtown if you want to join, Ali's friends I know has been saying some shit and I think she wants the D" ha douchey I know but hey I was high off knowing I could get laid. Well it turns out I didn't send it to Kev... I sent it to Toni. I start panicking, fuck. Maybe she didn't see it because she's to busy socializing. She saw it. I get a text back say" "Umm excuse me?! who wants what? You had a good chance of taking me home tonight but now that chance is ruined. " Needless to say I almost drove my car off a bridge because i was so embarrassed. We all laugh about it now but as soon as I got that text I turned around and went straight home.
[deleted]: Pro tip - If you had a chance, it isnt ruined by your other options.
But most girls who say "You had a chance now its ruined" never had any intention of following through anyway, its just their way of making you feel like there are consequences to upsetting them
Kenkae30: You're probably right! She's been known for being all talk.
| 3 | 4 | |
1403604553 | 1403643417 | t3_28ycd6 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Ingens_Testibus: TIFU by leaking my campaign's GOTV plan to the opposition.
This actually happened late last night. I'm a campaign consultant for a fairly high profile race in my slice of America. Every campaign has what is known as a campaign plan. Within that campaign plan is a 48/24/ED "GOTV" plan and manual. We're within the last month of the campaign, and I was asked to e-mail the plan to a particular person who will be involved in implementing a portion of the GOTV plan on election.
Here's the problem...this person and the scheduler for the opposing campaign both have the same first three letters in their e-mail address. I know the scheduler for the opposing campaign; because, we've had to coordinate a few times and we've worked together (though not closely) in the past. I was tired. I've had very little sleep in God knows how long. I was reading Reddit at the time...so when the e-mail address started to auto fill as I typed this woman's address I hit this guy's address and before I realized what I was doing.....hit the send button.
I haven't told the candidate yet or anyone else on the staff. I'm going to wait a few more hours. Hopefully when he wakes up and sees the e-mail he'll see the follow up e-mail asking him to call me. If he's the man I think he is then he'll talk to me before opening it/using it. If that convo goes well then perhaps I won't mention it to the campaign which would be ethically wrong but no harm no foul?
We'll see I guess. Ugh. It isn't like it's a football playbook where every move can be countered, but there are a few advantages in there that I'd like for us to retain.
Sir_Dude: This is why my organization removed the autocomplete functionality from our email. Thousands of our employees outright hate us for it, but we're just protecting from their own stupidity.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Is this in exchange? I would love to disable this. Not even to save them, just to teach them a lesson. For instance--**"We sent instructions on how to back up your contacts. Have you done this? Once we format your PC it will be unrecoverable." "Well of course, I'm not an idiot!"** Then we find out they had just been using their auto complete function and had never saved a god damn contact in their life.
Sir_Dude: Yep, Exchange 07. We did it 2 years ago.
| 4 | 2 | |
1403604771 | 1403614692 | t3_28ycjy | t5_2to41 | 10 | hks9: TIFU by stopping at my crushs house on the way home.
PerfidiousPenetrator: This is not a TIFU, but a TIGF (Today I Got Fucked) story.
hks9: had no idea such a thing existed, but if i didnt stop there i would have been fine which is where i fucked up.
edit: i cant seem to find that subreddit
opdontbeabitch: *sigh*
PerfidiousPenetrator: Oh man it was just a joke, now I look like a trolling asshole
| 5 | 2 | |
1403612822 | 1403633877 | t3_28ykap | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught viciously scratching my balls by my Boss NSFW
Hi Folks,
so unfortunately, I live/work in Ireland, we have been receiving some lovely yet ridiculously hot weather lately. I work in a cramped and stuffy office with no windows by my desk. I was sweating up a storm! then all of a sudden it happened.. I could feel the sweaty sting of an itch destroying my balls, I could not take it. I just had to help my balls!
So I unzipped my suit pants and ravaged my balls to kill this itch. Not actually using my hands but my underwear. (Sack ops)
And in my boss walks in.. I freaked out and stuttered that I had spilt some burning hot coffee down there only to realize there was no cup on my desk.. He knew.
My boss just looked disgusted and left my office.. he then asked an Intern to go out to get some Hand wash.
TIFU
:(
alicization: Every make has to scratch their balls sooner and later. You fucked up by not using the ancient techniques. The pinch and squeeze and the stretch and rake.
You do not have to unzip pants to scratch balls, you know.
MyBumtickles: I am sorry for failing you, Mr.Miyagi.
mythrowawayresponse: > The pinch and squeeze and the stretch and rake.
OP don't you know anything?
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1403614106 | 1403672124 | t3_28ylu1 | t5_2to41 | 4,923 | [deleted]: TIFU trying to spice things up with my wife
Made this throwaway to tell this for obvious reasons.
Yesterday I decided to spice things up with my wife so I went to the kitchen, got cream and back to the dark room I started to pour it on her breasts and lick it off. I thought it tasted a bit weird but I was horny, I didn't care. When we turned the lights on we saw the cream was all brown/green of mold. I've been shitting since I woke up.
the_seventh_note: Nothing says, 'I love you'. Like licking moldy cream off your wife's bosom.
RiskyLunchbox: Think I'd rather stick to flowers or jewellery
onafarawaybeach: Those are too difficult to lick off.
AeroGold: Here's the right way to do it: http://youtu.be/85JeShM_ck8?t=4m1s
Spikitiger: And risky click of the day goes to...
codalaw: Youtube, never risky.
halalpigs: [oh, really?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzaZ_0LvkLA) NSFW
whos_to_know: goddamn it
| 9 | 547 | |
1403614673 | 1403643171 | t3_28ymiw | t5_2to41 | 53 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a whole jar of Nutella.
The mudslide is already brewing. The struggle is real.
CrazieMexican: There's nutellan what could happen
[deleted]: I know what happened but I'm not gonna spread it around.
tishstars: Something something poop
Lugiafanatic: something something broken arms
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1403614475 | 1403625559 | t3_28ymad | t5_2to41 | 3 | robbingthecradle1: TIFU by going on a tinder date with an 18 year old
Throwaway account... this happened last night. I am 24(m) and starting chatting up with this really cute 18(f) on tinder... decided to meet up at starbucks. Date was going really well she was actually a lot hotter in her pictures. We walk back to my apartment because she wanted to meet my dog... my roommate was taking him for a walk so we were just getting comfortable and I'm about to make a move when she shows up (cock block 1). We end up playing with him outside when all of a sudden my roommate comes outside and says the cops are looking for me (cock block 2). Apparently her mom called the cops and was worried since she left her phone in her car. Super awkward when she had to tell the cops her age and call her mom and say shes fine. So I go to walk her to the car and (cock block 3) mom calls again. I awkwardly kiss her bye and she drives home.
Tl;dr Tried to get with a child, mom called the cops.
RsubG: within the half plus 7 standard
TrojanThunder: Tell that to a police officer and you can have your own TIFU.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403615026 | 1403649483 | t3_28ymxt | t5_2to41 | 269 | elkarcher87: TIFU by ripping ass in the living room
This happened yesterday so fuck you.
I have been living with my girlfriends parents for the summer for work and things are going well. Last night the whole family went out to dinner and had a great time. Bit, during dinner I accumulated some knarly gas. We get home and the dogs had gotten into some stuff and chewed up some blankets/ shoes etc. (They are still puppies) but anyways, everybody goes out of the living room dto do whatever and that was when I let it rip. To say it was rank would be an understatment. Just then, my girlfriends mom walks in and says how she smells dog poop and then proceeds to have every other person in the house come in and look and smell my fart. I was too embarrassed to say anything so I just watched as they breathed in my ass gas
donosaur66: Hey, by my standards, you didn't fuck up. You got away with it. Plus, you made everyone smell your scent. You are one step closer to being the alpha male in that house.
Edit: both of my top comments are about establishing dominance. Cool.
ShakaLulu: What's the next step?
Capt_Titty_Sprinkles: Pissing on his girlfriends mum.
MikeOxsbig: Pissing IN his girlfriends mom.
tishstars: You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
cdc194: Shut up, Cartman.
| 7 | 38.428571 | |
1403614622 | 1403663467 | t3_28ymgv | t5_2to41 | 44 | reaper_flow: TIFU by masturbating
with the fucking door open. I don't know how to look into my sister's eyes the same way anymore..
donosaur66: Here's how:
Step one: look into her eyes
Step two: Finish.
Lehk: gotta show dominance.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1403616062 | 1403619199 | t3_28yoc2 | t5_2to41 | 11 | thumperatwork: TIFU by eating eggs with strangers
I'm doing some consulting near the ND oil patch. Staying at a hotel with breakfast where I end up eating at a table of scary looking roughnecks, guys who are finalists in the macho game of life. But the place is packed and there's nowhere else to sit and they were nice enough to wave me to a seat.
They're passing around a bottle of Tabasco sauce. The bottle gets to me, it's a little early for that and I'm not the biggest fan of hot food, but no way I can refuse here. But I kinda like Tabasco, no big deal. Give it a few shakes on the scrambled eggs.
"Try it on the potatoes too, bro" one of them says. Sure, why not.
I was not aware Tabasco made a habanero sauce. Nothing for it but to finish breakfast with only my big cup of hot coffee to drink. Not looking forward to my day in the field with a suddenly surprised and rather angry GI tract.
figmitchels: Tabasco is actually made from Tabasco peppers, just fyi. But I understand the feeling, hot coffee and spicy food is a terrible combo.
AngelOfDoom: Tabasco does make a habanero hot sauce.
figmitchels: Was not aware of that. Sounds delicious haha. They must not sell it where I live.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1403617194 | 1403675188 | t3_28ypwb | t5_2to41 | 191 | hegetsnothing: TIFU By reading /r/nosleep
After falling victim to my morning coffee, I departed from my office to take a satisfying and gratifying paid poop. The company that I work for has recently installed motion sensored lighting into all the bathrooms in an effort to conserve energy; as a result, I usually end up jumping and waving my arms in front of the sensor in order to get the lights to turn on, do to a fear I have with complete darkness and the fact that the lighting system has about a five second delay.
As I squat on down to releive myself, I open up Reddit and indulge myself into one of the front page /r/nosleep stories that I have become increasingly fond of. Several minutes into this story, I'm getting to the good part, heart rate is starting to pick up, paranoid setting in, and just when I was really starting to freak myself out all of the fucking lights shut off. Pitch. Black.
In a rage of panic, I stand up pants at my ankles open the stall and begin frantically jumping in front of the motion senor, arms waving, praying for the lights to turn on. I hear a shuffle behind me, and a slight creak. I slam my eyes shut knowing that there is mirror behind me which I have now convinced myself has a dead bitch crawling out of it. My chest is about to explode. I let out a slight whimper and I begin to get sweaty and dizzy as I continue flapping my arms in front of this light sensor. To my relief, the lights finally switched on, and I am standing in the middle of a bathroom, pants at my ankles with 3 of my much older co-workers making extremely uncomfortable eye-to-snatch-to-eye again contact. I throw myself back into my stall and cower in my embarrassment until they all leave. I'm thinking about quitting.
[deleted]: So... Have you met them afterwards?
hegetsnothing: I closed the door to my office and his the rest of the day. We have a meeting tomorrow together so not looking forward to that.
WilliamWallace44: You have a shared male / female toilet? WUT?!?!
[deleted]: It's possible if it's not a big office. I don't think she mentioned the gender of her co-workers, though.
WilliamWallace44: > I closed the door to my office and *his* the rest of the day
I just assumed, based on auto on/off lights that it wasn't a small office, maybe I shouldn't have, but I did..
[deleted]: I believe she misspelled the word *hid* there...
WilliamWallace44: Touche.... I take back all my questions, please proceed.
| 8 | 23.875 | |
1403616790 | 1403657646 | t3_28ypai | t5_2to41 | 204 | HarveyStarter: TIFU by not reading the fine print on the box
This was actually about a month ago. I was working in a dingy abandoned house and I managed to cut myself pretty good on my finger. So in between jobs I swung by a grocery store and picked up some antibacterial creme. I failed to read the box's note of "compare to the active ingredients of neosporin," a medicine I am in fact very allergic to. Needless to say my finger swelled up and rashed like crazy.
penguinsstealsanity: This is a refreshing tifu. Most are about people doing stupid things and getting in trouble with their s.o. This is just plain medical negligence. Well done.
wheresthepuke: "this is just plain medical negligence. well done"
do you mind if i make a wallpaper for my computer with this?
penguinsstealsanity: Sure thing. Just deliver.
wheresthepuke: [here you go](http://imgur.com/zIa5vsy)
PassiveFire: /r/nocontextwallpapers
| 6 | 34 | |
1403617476 | 1403628375 | t3_28yqbw | t5_2to41 | 114 | [deleted]: TIFU by lying in bed with a naked girl
.
grogo67: Major life hint here: If a girl is lying next to you naked SHE WANTS YOU TO MAKE A MOVE.
Hint 2:
Turning on the TV was not the move she was wanting.
Please learn from this and don't make the same mistake twice.
[deleted]: Major life tip: women are adults that can articulate their desires verbally and directly without all the bullshit.
Oliibird: I'd say getting naked is as direct as it gets.
You really shouldn't need to say anything in that situation.
[deleted]: so any woman lying naked next to you is asking for sex? I agree it was blatant all I am saying is don't beat yourself up about it, she could have said "come here" or something and bam all that confusion is gone. OP was probably worried about being called a rapist, either way not saying any party was in the wrong, just that OP shouldn't be to hard on himself.
EDIT: If OP had made a move and she was too drunk and was laying naked silently next to him trying to sleep you would all be saying he was a rapist (which I partially agree with)
LWdkw: > so any woman lying naked next to you is asking for sex?
Yes. I have never heard of a situation where a grown adult invited another grown adult to sleep over, got naked and laid down on the same bed, and was not asking for sex.
Can you think of a situation where she would not be asking for sex?
[deleted]: Yes happened to me.
We got naked, started kissing, she looked up at me and said "too nice". She proceeded to roll over and go to sleep.
Jack41096: You idiot, you dont stop there. She was testing you.
[deleted]: This was a random person I picked up from a bar. How to you change that, forcibly roll her over and start assaulting her face and vagina. I can picture that going over real well.
Jack41096: No, you just put your hand on her shoulder and lightly massage them. If she brushes you away, then stop.
If she doesnt theres a good chance she will finish what she started.
[deleted]: That's falls on the "too nice" side. I have a feeling she was wanting a hard ride, but missed that opportunity when I didn't start out that way. She was drunk a bit of a narcissist so I don't care, but man that shit was a blow to my ego and everything I've been taught.
| 11 | 10.363636 | |
1403617469 | 1403717149 | t3_28yqbn | t5_2to41 | 10 | The_Hobbyist94: Tifu by driving like an asshole
Reddit, today I fucked up. I live in a small back country New England town where getting anywhere from anyplace is generally a hassle. Well on my way to work this morning, I hit the inevitable road work on my main route there. Thankfully, I know a half dozen side roads to get me around the construction zone. So off I went, but wouldn't you know it reddit, some guy in a tiny Fiat pulls in front of me as I get back on the main road.
There's two important pieces of information about my area you gotta know: one, there's been a lot of cyclist-meets-car related deaths recent. And 2, I was driving my dads crew max Toyota Tundra.
This guy in his Fiat was driving like ten under the speed limit (probably because there was no sign to tell him the speed limit), and I was late for work. Once upon a time that road was a double passing zone, being how its long and straight. Nowadays it's a double yellow.
Did that stop me? Nope, I woke up today and decided to be an asshole.
About five seconds into the pass the Fiat moves to block me. I'm thinkin Fiat vs Tundra wasn't a fair match, but I also didn't want to shell out the money to buy this guy a new Fiat.
We both slam the brakes and wind up dead stopped on the road. Then his car door opens. Visions of road rage induced murder passed before my eyes as I floored it in reverse. Then it occurred to me that I had a very recognizable license plate, and fleeing the scene was a 100% chance I'd have the cops at my door tomorrow. So I decided to roll down my window and hope he was unarmed and under control. He was, if only barely. I apologized profusely, it was 10000% my fault, and that sorta took the wind out of his sails. So now I'm just praying he wasn't mad enough to make a call to the police chief. Thing is, my dad's buddy buddy with the chief and he knows my dad is out of town, which means there might be an unpleasant phone call in my future....
Tl;dr Tried to pass a guy in a no passing zone in my small po dunk town. Didn't go very well.
Moonpiles: I don't see the problem. You didn't hit him, and he was driving like a prick.
The_Hobbyist94: Well to be fair, I was driving like a prick too. And two pricks just makes a circlejerk. Problem is that if he wants to he can make my life a bit hellish.
Silverlight42: No, he can't. Why do you think that would be okay?
[this may help](http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01514/p_doormat_i-am-not_1514745i.jpg)
Also you should never apologize or take blame for possibly legal things like that. That's for insurance, police, lawyers and judges to figure out. Stuff's complicated a lot of the time.
The_Hobbyist94: It's more like a personal thing he could do. It's a small town, and if he's got better connections than I do I'll be fucked. Here's an example:: this guy I know beat the snot out of another guy over some bullshit. The second guy had deep connections to the town -- now the first guy gets pulled over for every possible violation his car could have. I kid you not in one year he got five speeding tickets, a myriad of moving violations and hit twice for DUI. I don't think he has his license anymore.
| 5 | 2 | |
1403624630 | 1403701218 | t3_28yrnh | t5_2to41 | -13 | FartingFaggot4Jesus: Because it didn't happen.
TheRiddl3Mast3r: Wonderful logic there. If you don't have a specific reason as to why it didn't happen then please just keep quiet. c:
FartingFaggot4Jesus: You used an alt to threaten me? haha. Definite FAke.
Lokijustbitme: Dude you're such a jackass
FartingFaggot4Jesus: You know I'm right
| 5 | -2.6 | |
1403617753 | 1403631292 | t3_28yqqm | t5_2to41 | 7 | Sentinel851: TIFU by forgetting a friend's birthday
so, today was a busy day, everybody was scrambling to get work done before the semester break, and my friend walks over to me, looking pretty glum. I'm busy working on an assignment that's due pretty soon, so i'm a little distracted. anyway, he tries to make some small talk, and i'm kind of ignoring him. he goes away after about 2 minutes, and i don't see him for the rest of the day. get home after work, and start reading facebook, and i start seeing notifications from people writing on his wall, then i realize.
It was his birthday today, and i pretty much turned him away. wrote a half assed post on his facebook about half an hour ago, but damn, i wish i'd remembered the date was today.
Engineerwhat: Should have called or texted him instead of posting on facebook. A call goes a long way.
Silverlight42: nowadays calls go even as far as the international space station I hear.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403621459 | 1403630261 | t3_28ywea | t5_2to41 | 2 | bmanny: TIFU by blocking my ex's phone number
I_am_amazingly_great: How is that you fucking up?
bmanny: By thinking ignoring someone who needed medical help and is clearly bipolar would have any form of positive results.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403621783 | 1403628143 | t3_28ywvp | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling illegal immigrants Mexican
So let me first start off by saying I am in no means racist or trying to offend anyone.
So I'm at a political camp basically for a bunch of students who are social or smart basically and we mimic the governing style of the state(California). We are allowed to run and campaign for various offices. Its one of those once in a lifetime places so I decided to run for governor. I get all my small stuff done and go to give my first speech to the political party I represent. At the end the platform asks all candidates DLR governor to talk about their stance on illegal immigration.
First thing I say is "I feel Mexican immigrants who travel to the us illegally..."
The minute I said it I knew I had chosen the wrong word but I choked up on stage and could not think of the term Hispanic and that came out instead.
Needless to say I've been getting shit about it all day now. Doubt I'll make it past the next round of voting now.
VizricK: Well you shouldn't receive any hate (other than from the pc -phony morons who don't ever know what they're talking about) You had to talk about illegal immigration and just so happen to have said Mexican to talk about the immigrants from Mexico. (They just misunderstood, like they always do and only hear what they wanted to hear. Same goes when ppl say black. Some idiots actually believe it's "racist".) There is nothing wrong you could have said Canadian, Saudi, German, etc. I'm Mexican and have never had any issues when they speak in that manner. Chin up and don't let anyone bring you down b/c you've been cut out of the veggie-only circle jerk...all you gotta do is next time come out strong and make them look like fools. Or else you'll have an Obama in you summer camp. Common Sense if they don't have it then it'll just make it easier for you to destroy these asshole unless theirs somekind of retarded judge pupetering everything in the background. PEACE brother.
ViperCodeGames: Agreed. Don't really know why they went "oh shiiiittt" but I feel it was more like a mob mentality for a "non-pc" term. But its technically true. That actually makes me feel better about it. And talking to some friends who were Mexican they didn't actually care about it.
VizricK: Don't know how smart your competition is if they're easily offended by inoffensive speech. What's the age range of this camp? (Most likely High School. What area do you live by.) Then you can determine how most of these kids think do to the way they act. ( or how they've grown up. No need to get threw there privacy) if you know some of the kids that went against you, find something they don't know anything about that way you can practice on it and destroy them next time. Look how succesful Dr. Ron Paul was with his devates because he doesn't speak out off ass. ( the only problem is not getting sucked into the cirle jerk after winning but creating you're own with proper ideals) Make them play your game. Don't play theres.
ViperCodeGames: We are all high school juniors before senior year. Ranging from everywhere in California. Political debates are tomorrow night with 10 potential topics so I think I'll just research into the ones the won't know about and overcome them with facts they have not heard of. That's a great strategy! Thanks!
VizricK: Just beast these assholes out of the poles...Break a leg. (Make sure you do research on current events, typical subjects, and things out of the ordinary aswell) There's always a shill so watchout who you practice with. That's just me going overboard with paranoia. hehe
ViperCodeGames: Haha sounds like a plan man! Thanks!
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1403616251 | 1403630523 | t3_28yokz | t5_2to41 | 9 | SSJStarwind16: TIFU By saying yes when caught off guard
Just about an hour ago a co-worker asked me to log-in for her if she wasn't back by 8, she was going to the bathroom. Still being new, and caught off-guard I stuttered, "huh...ok."
Knowing it was against the rules, and realizing I dug a hole for myself, I needed to think fast. I opened a LOOOONG article and started reading really slowly. She managed to get back as I finished, and a few moments after 8, she logged herself in. I apologized and told her I am engrossed in reading. CRISIS AVERTED...until my supervisor called me into his office a few moments later and closed the door behind me...
"Did she ask you to log her in?" He asked pretty bluntly.
"Yeah, but I wasn't going to." I replied almost too quickly, "she caught me off guard so I read a long article to stall until she came back."
"A guy got fired for that a while ago. That would have been stealing time, she is in more trouble than you, but next time just say 'no'." He informed me and I was dismissed.
Once I got back to my desk a different co-worker asked me what had happened. So I made up a quick lie about my car leaking oil and potentially messing up the company parking lot, and they wanted to speak to me about it.
When my supervisor heard that he asked me, "Not really a straight shooter are you?"
Great he thinks I'm a liar.
"I am when I have to be, but I didn't feel it was that co-worker's business what we spoke about before." I responded almost matter of-factually.
"Yeah, that was probably for the best, just be more careful, you are still new and we don't want anything to happen."
"Yes sir."
I feel like crap. Wish I could go home.
Lizzy_lazarus: I do this a lot. I call it "panic lying". My brain sometimes comes up with stories that make it easier for me to dodge a conversation that I don't want to have. Is it passive aggressive? Yes absolutely. But it avoids further confrontation with nice, solid out. They wouldn't ask anything else if they thought it was just an issue with your car leaking oil. No big deal.
I'm not encouraging that practice....just saying I understand. It's really easy to make yourself seem like a dishonest person.
SSJStarwind16: Well the convo about with my other co-worker my supervisor approved of. I am usually pretty good thinking on my feet. But when "Ms. Log-me-on" caught me I hadn't made my coffee yet...
| 3 | 3 | |
1403593029 | 1403627337 | t3_28y2vp | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not washing soap properly in the shower
I was talking a shower and grabbed a bar of soap to clean my inner thighs near my you know what...... well I was so singing to 'Collard Greens' that I forgot to was the soap in those tight spots.
I dried myself with a towel but again failed to wipe my inner thighs... probably because i was in a hurry to get out since my roommate knocked a few minutes early telling me to get out.
I started to feel the wrath of soap dried thighs near bed time. I had to walk like a penguin in front of everyone at a family meet up and lotioning that fucker burnt too much.
Next time wash thoroughly!
WPBDoc: Either English isn't your first language or you don't type much, do you?
skafd: Mobile. Sorry
| 3 | 1 | |
1403624207 | 1405575707 | t3_28z137 | t5_2to41 | 41 | speeding-demon: TIFU by forgetting a towel.
Yesterday was day 3 of camping and I needed a shower so I put on flip flops and brought soap and shampoo to the public showers. There was no one in the showers so I took a relaxin 20 minute shower in the bathroom completely alone. I had forgotten my towel but car was parked outside so I didn't really care. Somehow being in the bathroom alone and taking a Long shower I felt like I was in my own house and walked out to get my towel butt naked and didn't even realize. It Didn't help that I had a usual shower boner and as I was walking back with my towel in hand I noticed the mortified faces of 2 car loads of families. I waited in the bathroom for a half hour afterwards hoping they would be gone.
MeowPancakes: Don't forget to bring a towel!
louis9: Good old towlie!
MeowPancakes: Wanna get high?
louis9: Maybe just a little high....
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1403624830 | 1403625711 | t3_28z24n | t5_2to41 | 16 | Throwawaymedtime: TIFU by wearing a really old sports bra [NSFW]
It's laundry day and I really wanted to go for a jog, so I broke out a really old sports bra that had stretched out and had a couple of holes.
I went for my normal jog and was very excited about my pace. While I was jogging I noticed a couple of glances and ignored it. People who are walking often watch or glance at joggers when they pass.
I get home and start stripping down to shower. That's when I noticed that my booby had popped out of the old sports bra and I had been running around the track with a booby[I have D cup boobs too, so it was pretty obvious] hanging out. That sports bra is now in the trash.
ageyoung24: As much as I want to believe this... complete bullshit. You don't know that your D's are loose? Give me a break. Also, what grown female calls them "booby?"
ribald35: Plot twist OP is a marine biologist who is taking care of blue footed booby chicks. She has to keep the chicks warm at all times so she decided to tuck an infant booby inside her sports bra to go run. The sports bra didn't keep the booby warm and secure and instead the booby popped out.
ageyoung24: Yeah, I guess you're right. But do they really measure Blue-footed Boobies in cup sizes? And if so, do they really get "D" sized?
| 4 | 4 | |
1403625436 | 1403644232 | t3_28z36g | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by loudly streaming porn to the entire office.
So, I'm getting fired for this either today or tomorrow. The cringe I'm feeling right now will probably stay with me for the rest of my life, and it's (almost) entirely my fault. Might as well tell you guys.
I'm an IT at a pretty large office building with a little over 100 employees. For the past week, I've been hosting a course in Excel and Word, because my boss thought many of them sucked at it (they do). Each lesson is comprised of me talking in front of them in a pretty large conference room, and then I continue the lecture on my desktop in my office to show them the lesson in action. I stream to the conference room to a very large projector. With speakers. You can see where this is going.
So today marked the first week of the course. It had been going pretty well, if I do say so myself. Until fucking today. I overslept and so was pretty late to work, and someone had the audacity to turn on my own projector, and I don't turn off my desktop when I leave work. And I had only turned off the projector on Monday, not turned off the stream from my end. To top it all off, there's no way to see whether the stream is on or not without specifically checking the toolbar for it. You can see where this is going.
I have a certain morning routine, which is watching porn and masturbating furiously in my office. It's what gets me going in the morning, I'm sure you understand. So I had no fucking idea what I was getting into and started watching some quality shit. After several minutes, I hear people shouting and cussing, and they rapidly approach my premesis. My boss and HR come storming in and my boss asks what the fuck is my problem, and whether I'm a sick fuck. The conversation didn't reach much further than that, but I can guarantee you I'm getting fired. But I'm not going down unheard. So there.
tl;dr fucked up royally by streaming quality porn loudly to the entire office
[deleted]: So did you at least get to finish before the boss stormed in?
Cheimon: I hope he made eye contact and did it there and then.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1403624298 | 1403759141 | t3_28z18g | t5_2to41 | 26 | TheSchnozzberry: TIFU by ripping the hose out of a fuel pump.
Earlier this morning I was filling my car up and decided to wash my windows with the squeegee at the pump. When I'm done with the windows I hop in my car crank the engine and drive off.
Well I drove about ten feet then heard an odd sound. I stopped looked thru my rear view mirror and seeing nothing out of the ordinary continue driving off. After I get a little more space between the pump and I I am able to see the damage I have caused. I pull back in and apologize profusely to the lady at the counter and as I'm walking outside two gents are talking about some dumbass who tried driving off with a pump. That dumbass was me.
rhinotim: I thought the hoses were now made to separate. What damage did you do?
TheSchnozzberry: That was it. It was just a simple fuck up. Really no repercussions besides the embarrassment of people having watched me do it. And having to hand them the hose inside.
rhinotim: At least no flaming gas station!
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1403624027 | 1403667862 | t3_28z0rb | t5_2to41 | 7 | Memithezombiekiller: TIFU by wearing high heels to a "rustic" restaurant.
I work in a "professional" environment. This means I wear heels, hose, and a skirt damn near every day. Yesterday, (YIFU) I decided to go to a charming cafe near the office for lunch. It is a lovely little place, stone walls, giant fireplace, rough-hewn floors, and a you can get a cup of soup, bread, and a drink for $5.
So I enjoy my lunch, go to get up, and discover that my left heel has fallen into the crack between two floorboards. I narrowly escape falling on my face by yanking my foot out of the shoe, but the server and the manager saw the impressive interpretive dance I was doing (Business woman tries not to eat shit in cafe, set to Mozart's Requim for a Dream), and the manager had to yank the shoe out for me. It skinned the heel (the horror) and he handed it back to me, clearly trying to not laugh.
I was like, "It's okay. You can laugh"
It was not okay. I mean, it was probably funny, but it wasn't okay. I'm not sure I can show my face there again. Which sucks because I go there a couple times a week.
I had to walk around in a fucked up shoe for the rest of the day and ended up tossing them in a dumpster and buying a pair of flip flops to walk home in.
steezyvape: My god, that may be the worst fuckup I've ever read!
Haha, not. Seriously if that is the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you, you're doing fine. You could have tripped, twisted your ankle, landed face first in a plate of spaghetti and launched a bowl of clam chowder all over yourself and the person at the next table, who could have been your bosses boss who fires you for ruining an important business meeting.
Memithezombiekiller: I didn't claim it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Fuck ups come in all sizes.
steezyvape: Oh I know, since you said you are not sure you can show your face there again, I just wanted a friendly over the top reminder that it could have been so sooo much worse. lol.
Memithezombiekiller: Yeah. I'm just easily embarrassed.
steezyvape: Don't be, it was really minor.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1403627743 | 1403628592 | t3_28z6xp | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by being in the wrong place at the wrong time
jagstax: This will help you
http://youtu.be/CnMyV6HpctU
Edit: i mean this will not help you!
maltedbacon: Looks like CPR being conducted.
jagstax: Looked more like "hey buddy, get up. Quit playing around! Lets chase some mice!" to me ;(
| 4 | 1 | |
1403627435 | 1403628533 | t3_28z6gu | t5_2to41 | 12 | mynameisnttravis: TIFU by lying to my boss
I've been working for a trucking company three months now and I accidentally left the radio on in a truck and it killed the battery. When my boss asked me if I did it I said "nope, wasn't me" then fessed up to it minutes later.
WookieTurnip: I think you FU by owning up to it after
mynameisnttravis: He knew I did it before I even said anything. On my shift there's only two other people that work with me including himself and the other employee was on the road for most of the day picking up parts.
I lied out of embarrassment that I made such a dumb mistake and now feel terrible about it.
| 3 | 4 | |
1403631054 | 1403638765 | t3_28zcs4 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by not researching a potential employer
So Ive been unemployed for a few weeks after being laid off of a full time job. My wife had the good idea for me to go back to college full time and work part time as we dont have a lot of bills. Ive had a really hard the last few weeks finding someone that is hiring. I get an email from an employer that I didnt remember applying for. We email back and forth some and come to find out they will be flexible with my schedule. I go in for an interview today on very short notice and dont expect them to ask anything about the assessment that they have online or anything about the online application. (other interviewers in the past didnt) She starts asking me about it and about the job description that I hadnt even read as it turns out my wife did the application for me. Long story short I leave the interview and feel like I bombed it. Still unemployed and my savings is empty and I could be homeless
Reddit today I fucked up BAD!!!!!
NeoMegamanX: How did you go from having "a few bills" to almost homeless._.
[deleted]: I emptied my savings paying bills in the time that Ive been unemployed. I dont have moeny for rent coming up thats how ill almost be homeless
NeoMegamanX: Try selling plasma.
[deleted]: That's not a bad idea
NeoMegamanX: Here in Texas it's like 300 bucks a month. Not much but hopefully it will help
[deleted]: I'm going tomorrow it will help. Thanks for the advice
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1403632253 | 1403661942 | t3_28zevm | t5_2to41 | 13 | Slipperypassport: TIFU by accidentally putting my passport next to my bottle of lube in a travel bag.
The lube bottle exploded and now my passport is COMPLETELY smothered in slippery, extremely persistent goop. I don't know what to do seeing how I leave on my trip in two weeks and I can't get the lube off of my passport for the life of me. Touching the passport feels like the sex gods have abused this poor little booklet in ways nobody has ever even imagined. Each page has its own unique *sleerrrp* as you peel the page apart from the one following it. To make matters worse, the outside has dried into some strange sticky substance that makes it look like I have been in the bathroom wanking it to my own passport photo for weeks. I am so sorry whoever has to touch my passport. TSA and Customs officers of Reddit, be warned. A giant sticky mess of a passport will make its way to your hands two weeks from now and you will know exactly what I'm talking about.
In all seriousness, how can I get this lube off my passport?
NeoMegamanX: I've never handled lube but how about putting it in a bag of rice and hope the rice suck the humidity
steezyvape: That would be my first try. Maybe slipping a few paper towels between pages and closing between a book to pressure it all out. Really tough one.
I would also consider calling... Somewhere to find out if they have some ridiculous "wet page, not valid" rule on passports.
OP where are you trying to travel to?
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403625693 | 1403656530 | t3_28z3md | t5_2to41 | 26 | akas3006: TIFU by whistling at night
This happened a few years ago, but I was just reminded of it when I put in my contacts incorrectly and it burned like hell.
Back in college I was a bit of a restless spirit. I would wander the streets at night, exploring places I probably shouldn't. I was also big into wearing hip-hop style clothes (baggy jeans, hoodies, etc.) which, at night, might have been a littile intimidating. This had sometimes gotten me into a little trouble, but nothing major (security guards watching me closely, but not arresting me).
The thing is, when you're exploring like this, you have a lot of free time on your hands. It isn't always interesting walking from place to place, so you kind of have to kill time. Sometimes I would just think to myself, sometimes I'd sing, but one particular night I decided to whistle.
Problem was, I didn't know many songs to whistle to. So as I wandered down another side street, I started to whistle a song from Looney Tunes, which turned out to be A Hunting we will go. There were a few streetlights showing a couple of people on the same sidewalk, but I didn't care.
That is, until I got close. As soon as I walked near one of them, the bastard suddenly turned around and pepper sprayed me. At this moment, I had been drawing in a breath to whistle, so I caught a full dose everywhere. Eyes, nose, mouth. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. All I heard were footsteps as the bastard who sprayed me ran away.
It took me days to figure out why the hell a random person had sprayed me. I was a skinny asian kid who, in all honesty, looked like a poser. It turns out that there was a TV show that was popular at the time: The Wire. I had never heard of or seen it before, but apparently they might have thought I was imitating Omar? Either that, or they were douches who liked pepper spraying random people.
[Apparently who I was imitating] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WP-lrftLQaQ) (NSFW)
tl;dr Not knowing pop culture is hazardous to your health.
blehart: Did you know you can continue whistling while sucking in air?
If you knew this, then a lot less pepper spray would have gone in your mouth.
[deleted]: Holy shit! TIL I can whistle while breathing in.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1403632005 | 1403749586 | t3_28zeg1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | TBMeatCanoe: TIFU by not turning down my volume
This was not today, but within the last few months. I don't remember exactly. I just discovered this subreddit and decided to share this story.
So as any other 16 year old would do, I was downstairs choking the chicken. The stairs in my house are squeaky, so I know when someone is coming downstairs so I can quickly cover up. But this time was different. I heard the steps squeak, so I tried to pull my pants up quickly, but they got stuck. Nervous, I got up and ran into the bathroom to get my pants on before they could see me, but stupid me forgot to turn down the volume on my computer.
So I walk out of the bathroom and there is my sister, grabbing a soda from the mini fridge we have in our basement. As she turns around to go back upstairs, not only does she see my computer screen and the awful things that are on it, but she also hears the moaning.
She proceeded to run back upstairs and not come down for another week.
TL;DR I couldn't cover up in time so my sister saw everything that was on my computer and heard it too.
Dabomb531: Yeah it was probably fine as long as your sister is at least 15-16 years old
TBMeatCanoe: She was 19 at the time.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403624715 | 1403660557 | t3_28z1xl | t5_2to41 | 16 | hendrixchild419: TIFU by facebook messaging my ex-girlfriend
My ex and I broke up at the end of May, we had been dating for over a year. It wasn't an absolute terrible break up but not good by any means. I was feeling okay at first but I was really starting to miss her and found some of her stuff at my apartment about a week and a half ago and shot her a text to come get it. To my surprise she politely declined.
Last Saturday I was hanging out with some buddies and one of them got drunk and confessed that she (my ex) was dating someone and he (my ex's new boyfriend) recently got pulled over with a bunch of drugs. My heart sank and stomach turned. This was the girl I dated...she was so anti-drugs and now she is banging some dude three weeks later and he is being arrested for drugs?!!?
So last night, feeling pretty down in the dumps, I sent her a facebook message. I really fucked up. What turned into me trying to get a little closure turned into an absolute session of destroying everything about each other. I tried to wish her good luck with life and she just kept turning around and telling me about how terrible of a person I was and I blew up and said the most hateful things I've ever said to anyone.
I really fucked up. I couldn't sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to try and send her another message. My boss from corporate is here and he wasn't impressed with me showing up late. I really fucked up.
ReportingAProblem: On the bright side, now you've got closure. You've both expressed your anger at each other, it's clear you're done.
If you wanted to get her stuff out of your place you should have arranged a meeting place (ie, a coffee shop, library, whatever) or had a mutual deliver it to her, not asked her to come get it.
The girl's got problems. They're not your problems. Repeat after me: Her choices are not your problem. Her choices are not your problem. Her choices are not your problem. Her choices are not your problem.
If you have no impulse control then delete/block your ex on Facebook and on your phone to avoid the drunk messaging.
hendrixchild419: I thank you very much for your response. I'm probably older then you expect, but I am having a hard time of late. I did the whole invite over because she had came over once before to get her stuff and we talked for a minute. I was hoping we would talk again...I guess not.
She does have issues. In part of our bashing, she told me she was moving to Nashville with this guy...they have dated for three weeks. She might of been trying to get my goat...and she did...I heard about this guy was so much better then I etc...
ReportingAProblem: Yea, definitely not healthy behavior.
Best you can do there is wish people well and walk away. If you're the type to have a hard time letting go, best to cut all contact and occupy your time as much you can with other social activities.
hendrixchild419: Thank you. I really do appreciate this.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1403631742 | 1403664796 | t3_28zdy3 | t5_2to41 | 222 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing with the door open
Happened first thing this morning. So, yesterevening I found out my wife of two years is seeing another guy. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night. I'm already not a morning person to begin with, and this morning was especially rough. The only thing I knew for certain about myself was that I had to pee, so figured that was a good starting point.
I walked into the bathroom, half-heartedly closing the door behind me. It didn't shut all the way. I really didn't care at the moment. As I'm peeing, I'm too busy thinking about how much I hate my life to realize that my kitty had walked into the bathroom. This kitty is why I usually pee with the door closed. He likes to bite toes. Not ideal when trying to pee. Only this time... He didn't try to bite my toes. He waited patiently, silently, for me to finish peeing. Then, he leapt straight into the toilet. I hadn't even had time to flush. One second there was no cat in the toilet, the next second there was a cat in the toilet. He was now soaked in pee and toilet water. For a brief moment time froze and we stared at each other, wondering why we would betray each other like this. He sprinted out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of pee in his wake. I found him (it wasn't hard) under my bed, trying to shake off the pee.
Life is hard.
Cardboardgroundhog: "I found him (it wasn't hard) under my bed"
Not in New Jersey? Because it sure sounds like Piscataway.
KennyFulgencio: oh for gods sake
| 3 | 74 | |
1403632026 | 1403636402 | t3_28zeh7 | t5_2to41 | 71 | steel_city89: TIFU by accidentally snorting solvent based wax
Long time lurker first time poster. Why not make it a TIFU?
I work as a Design and Technology Teacher in the UK, wood shop for my American cousins, today's lesson was all about how to finish off a good piece of furniture with proper products.
One of the products was some old fashioned bee's wax which is still sold with a solvent base, it smells as soon as you open the tin which always makes the group of teenagers I'm teaching lean and try and sniff it.
Anyway as a joke I always put my nose near the tin and say "I don't want any of you sticking your nose in and sniff..." JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!! For some reason my brain forgot to tell me not to actually sniff as I put me nose near the tin and a sniffed up a big fat splodge of wax. As tears streamed down my face the pain in my nose was excruciating, my group of kids think this is the funniest thing they've ever seen at this point and they're currently wetting themselves.
It took about 20 minutes to blow the stuff out of my nose and it still hurts like hell now. I did manage to end the lesson by joking "That's why you don't sniff solvents" but overall it was a pretty horrendous experience.
Avoid sniffing solvents kids.
TheZellousOne: I can't imagine how awful that felt. At least you were able to joke about it.
steel_city89: After it happened we had a good laugh about it in the office. Just one of those things that you have to laugh about afterwards, that and you don't get much choice in our department!
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1403631498 | 1403730614 | t3_28zdim | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a picture to my friend.
2 days ago I was video calling a friend of mine, when suddenly her feed froze while she was blinking. It looked a lot like the [{10} Guy](http://www.quickmeme.com/img/1e/1eb47d1c96c02e7162d707fa81d26c35c86912b49a2dd7a7dd73b2bd08b6aa34.jpg). It was hilarious, so I took a picture of it. I was crying because of how funny I thought it was. I sent the picture to a mutual friend of ours, and then went to bed.
Yesterday, after I got back from eating dinner, I had some [very nice](http://i.imgur.com/lwYrx1p.jpg) skype messages from the girl. Our mutual friend had told her that I sent the picture and she was fucking pissed as you can see. I understood this, and I apologized sincerely. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, considering she had 20 pictures of me eating spaghetti and making stupid faces on her computer. She just got more mad when I said I thought it was funny and a joke, then she unfriended me on every platform she could. I don't really know what to do, because she was my best friend.
SHIET.
peaceforeverever: one time a girl freaked out and unfriended me on everything because i said the word "brown" when she told me not to. strange.
GwendolynShea: You couldn't say "brown"?! Did she have a problem with chocolate?!
peaceforeverever: no idea. she was fucked up though, im pretty sure she lied to me about being pregnant (not with my child dw)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403635070 | 1403645727 | t3_28zkbh | t5_2to41 | 23 | Woopsmybad1: TIFU by adding the girl I slept with on facebook
Johansbutt: Cousin's daughter is a second cousin. Legally I think that's fine. Family wise is another story.
Not saying you want to marry her, but this might make you feel better:
http://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/state-laws-regarding-marriages-between-first-cousi.aspx
Woopsmybad1: I'm not sure how you figure this out. My mom, her mom's (my grandma's) - sister; had a son. Her son had a daughter..... what does that make her to me?
Johansbutt: I guess it makes you [first cousins once removed] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin), not second cousins. Sorry about that. But still I think it's far enough apart - on a genetic level it shouldn't even matter.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Cousin**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin): [](#sfw)
---
>
>A __cousin__ is a [relative](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinship) with whom a person shares one or more common ancestors. In the general sense, cousins are two or more generations away from any common ancestor, thus distinguishing a cousin from an ancestor, descendant, sibling, aunt, uncle, niece, or nephew. However in common parlance, "cousin" normally specifically means "first cousin".
>Systems of "degrees" and "removals" are used in the English-speaking world to describe the exact relationship between two cousins (in the broad sense) and the ancestor they have in common. Various governmental entities have established systems for legal use that can more precisely specify kinships with common ancestors existing any number of generations in the past, though common usage often eliminates the degrees and removals and refers to people with common ancestry as simply "distant cousins" or "relatives".
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/m0irMI5.png) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Canon_law_relationship_chart.svg)
---
^Interesting: [^Cousin ^marriage](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin_marriage) ^| [^Daniel ^Cousin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Cousin) ^| [^Victor ^Cousin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Cousin) ^| [^Incest](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest)
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Woopsmybad1: Autowikibot your the man.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1403635180 | 1403679040 | t3_28zkje | t5_2to41 | 9 | waffleman69: TIFU by joking about suicide
This didn't actually happen today, but rather a few weeks ago. Let's set the scene, shall we?
I'm playing League of Legends with my girlfriend while FaceTiming with her, and we're in a Co-op vs. AI match, beginner difficulty. For those of you that do not play League, these matches are very easy, and dying to bots is somewhat of a taboo. So, jokingly of course, I say "If I don't get a perfect game, I'm going to hang myself."
A moment of silence, then she says "That's not funny..."
Of course, it was only after the words came out of my mouth did I remember that not only her mom, but also her best friend hung themselves.
EDIT: She has always been strongly opposed to suicide jokes, so why my idiot brain would ever think it was a good idea to say that is beyond me.
tishstars: Eh, your friend needs to lighten up. You're not bring insensitive by making such a threadbare joke. Not really a tifu
waffleman69: I would definitely tell her to lighten up were she my friend, but I can't really tell my girlfriend to lighten up about her mother's suicide :/ It was many years ago so I guess subconsciously I thought it would be ok to say it, but she has always been strongly opposed to any form of suicide joke, which I suppose I should have said in the description. Thank you for taking my side though.
tishstars: No problem, I would do the same for anyone here though. I still think that she needs to get used to the idea that people, including her boyfriend, will joke about it without any bad intention or attempt to spite her. Just apologize to her and tell her you said it without thinking, though I'm sure you've done that already, profusely.
waffleman69: I did, and I agree with you but I certainly won't be the one making those jokes anymore .-.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1403635847 | 1403762286 | t3_28zlrf | t5_2to41 | 1,303 | Anotherfuckwit: TIFU: my legacy.
I'm a school principal.
The children in my school will not remember me for the humorous stunt I pulled at lunchtime today when I pretended to jump a makeshift, cane hurdle they set up to play with in the sunshine.
Nor will they remember the exaggerated, slow motion trip I pulled off from my lessons in drama school, leading into a diving forward roll.
They *will* remember the roaring fart that the school principal let out as he attempted to exit the forward roll followed by the tearing of a great hole in the arse of his trousers.
*sigh.
TheDarkNightsWhisper: OH MY GOSH, you're a redditor?!?
mq999: Nope he just posted this is on reddit without using the site. /s
chimmy-changas: woooooosh
mq999: Wow I got a lot of downvotes. I even put /s :L
When I commented that guy was in the negatives.
the-real-raybeam: > I even put /s :L
That's not the point. You were being an asshole (or sounded like one). He was surprised about the fact his principal is a redditor. Or he was pretending to be a student.
mq999: I didn't mean to be an asshole. How is what I said assholey?
the-real-raybeam: Hard to explain. The way you said it?
mq999: Sorry then…
Jimmyjelly: Just stop. You are digging yourself a hole.
mq999: Ok then.
qwagod: I got your back buddy, we can go down together.
mq999: Forever.
| 13 | 100.230769 | |
1403637282 | 1403637613 | t3_28zogw | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to scare my co worker
Well this just happen about 20 minutes ago
I work in a small shop and I have a co worker that I'm really good friends with. It's a slow day today and she's chilling at the register and I'm chilling in the back. I see she's facing away from me and looking down so I figure I'd sneak up behind her and scare her. Little did I know as I got closer I saw she was on her phone. I then realized what I was looking at...a picture from her SO naked at full sail...I gagged a little scaring the shit out of her and I just walking away. She was laughing I was not.
LetsPlayKvetch: You gagged, just from *looking* at it? Impressive.
PM_DEM_CHESTICLES: It was quite large....
LetsPlayKvetch: Apparently! My condolences to you (but not to your coworker).
| 4 | 3 | |
1403638553 | 1403704509 | t3_28zqug | t5_2to41 | 79 | sebbyk5: Tifu by being racist
This literally happened minutes ago. I work the front counter of an aquarium and a large black man came in with his family. I barely noticed he was black until I fucked up. He asked if he could get a wheelchair for his mother and I said of course. As he walked over he asked if I needed his ID or something, I said "no, just don't steal it." The man looked at me like I was Johnny tickle shits and asked "what? Do I look like some kind of thief?" I managed to say no after realizing my mistake. His family glared at me as they went in. I'm wasn't being racist, I was just making a joke.
assclap666: I mean, I stole a wheelchair and I'm not black...so no harm, no foul.
TheWobbleEffect: > I mean, I stole a wheelchair and I'm not black...so no harm, no foul.
Are you sure your not a little black? /s
assclap666: I mean..I think so. Maybe I am a little black. Maybe my whole life has been a lie. That doesn't mean I am predestined to steal shit though.
dontblockmemradmin: Uncle Ruckus?
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1403639502 | 1403639956 | t3_28zsjy | t5_2to41 | 6 | Der6FingerJo: TIFU by going to the gym
So, my doctor told me I needed more muscles in my back, so I went to a gym, with my mother (I'm only 16). We immediately got a trainer, who was a huge muscle packed douche btw., and started collecting info about my body and this stuff. After we made a training plan, I started by going on the crosswalk to warm up. So far so good, I went ahead and started training on all those fancy devices. You have to know that I'm by any means no fit guy. Not fat and completely weak, but just not fit. As the trainer showed me how to use the particular devices, I noticed I had left my water in the locker room. No big deal I thought, because I was thinking that we were almost done. WRONG. That was when things got difficult, but I managed to complete all sets when my body was absolutely craving for water and food. I sat down on a chair and started to feel dizzy. Trainer said that this is normal, as my circulation isn't familiar with sports, and I'm quite tall. Again, WRONG. My eyesight went away, and I could barely hear anything. My mother started to panic, as I became pale as chalk (what would you expect from mothers, huh?). She urged the staff to call an ambulance, and lay me down on a couch. So they did. As soon as I was lying everything became normal. I mean, in only half a second everyone of my senses was operating normally. I was lying there, everyone around me asking me constantly if everything is ok and I was just laughing, you know, because it was hilarious. The ambulance came, measured all this usual stuff and asked my mother if I should be taken to the hospital. Of course she said yes. Great. So I was in a hospital, got checked up and could leave.
This whole process took me 3 hours, just because I haven't eaten or drank enough before the training.
TL;DR After doing sport after ages, I collapsed, regained my strength immidiately and was carryed to the hospital anyway.
goldmouthdawg: So you f'ed up by not eating or drinking before working out and your trainer never told you to go get water during the session? The trainer never asked if you needed water?
Der6FingerJo: As I said, he was pretty much a douche and cared not so much.
And yes I fucked up only by this, because I wasn't planning doing the training in first place^^
| 3 | 2 | |
1403639884 | 1403661606 | t3_28zt9u | t5_2to41 | 99 | jpl467: TIFU by telling my housemate to drink some apple cider.
This happened a couple of years ago when I was still in college. My housemate of two years told me how every time he drank apple cider the resulting shit would be a messy one to say the least. So being the smartass I am, I dared him to buy some and drink it. Now being the dumbass he is he bought a half gallon...and proceeded to drink it all. I will admit that I egged him on during the consuming but I had no idea what he was in for.
About half way through the bottle there was a noticeable rumble from his stomach that could be heard from the next room. Within minutes of finishing the bottle he was already running to the bathroom, where he proceeded to have explosive diarrhea. The type that shakes you to the bone and can be heard by all those in the house. My other housemates and I were dying of laughter when he emerged from the bathroom sweating and swearing at us. This was at about 10 at night, why we started so late I will never know. Within the next half an hour he shit two more times, each time as powerful as the first. Now by this point I was getting tired and had class in the morning so I wished him luck and went to bed.
I awoke in the morning and walked to his room, only to find him sitting wide eyed on the edge of his bed. He slowly looked at me and said "Do you understand what you did to me last night?" Laughing I shook my head no. "I didn't sleep last night...I lost track after shit number 16. I had to change my underwear 3 times you fucker." At this point I was in tears laughing at him and couldn't even get out an I'm sorry.
He ended up skipping all of his classes that day and didn't leave his room other than to go to the bathroom again.
frivus: I think this is a THFU rather than a TIFU.. (h=he)
jpl467: Haha completely agree, but I couldn't steal his glory and make it my own.
wtfwtfwtfdude: no. you miss the point young one. This is NOT a TIFU story, even if it did happen to you.
Listen, I dunno what insane delusional world you live in, but the world WE live in has consequences for your actions, your friend EVEN KNEW what they would be, and did it anyways. TIFU usually relates to mistakes that are unforeseen. KEY WORD: UNFORSEEN (get it?)
This is just someone doing something stupid, maybe post in r/mildlyinteresting ?
(In case your stupid ass still doesn't get it, imagine if I made a TIFU about my friend who I dared to jump off of a 3 story building and he did it and broke his foot... That's how fucking stupid your story is - There is no surprise ending or disastrous fallout it's just fucking dumb and exactly what one would expect to fucking happen...)
Sorry I just hate stupid people that miss the point like some redundant fucking three stooges scene. Oh and I hate fucking teenagers too because they tend to be these people.
SprayAndPlay: Shut the fuck up.
| 5 | 19.8 | |
1403640468 | 1403960113 | t3_28zubn | t5_2to41 | 11 | 1wf: TIFU b.c I didn't know my girl was a cum dodger
-First time me and my girlfriend were having sex without a condom
-When I busted a nut inside she said 'ew it feels weird' and touched her vag
-Pulls her hand from under the duvet and her hand is covered in my baby gravy
-Strong smell of baby gravy, smells like 'bleach' according to her
-I grab a bit off her hand and rub it on her lips as a joke
-She literally vomits all over my chest, had carrots in it. Was gross
-I freak out and scream in rage and disgust
-She cries
-I wash chest and walk out
What should I have done?
Rebellious1: As a woman with a semen allergy...ya fucked up man. And ditching her afterwards? Not cool.
3005003: I'm not doubting you or anything, but a semen allergy? How does that work exactly?
Rebellious1: No, thats a valid question! Basically when semen comes into contact with my skin it swells up and gets really red, almost like hives. Its happened with every partner I've been with. I don't have sex without a condom, and the one time I swallowed, my throat closed up and I almost had to go to the hospital.
Jaybo21: How do you get pregnant? Just curious
Rebellious1: Not sure, I don't have kids. I figure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I may not be able to.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1403639484 | 1403691855 | t3_28zsj1 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Newstrish: TIFU by trying to do the right thing...
This actually happened a while back, but it was before I saw the light and joined reddit.
I was attending a local community college and had just got out of my last class and met up with a friend of mine, as we were leaving we noticed a cat sitting across the path that leads to the parking lot. It wasn't too old maybe a year or two at the most, as we walked, the cat followed my friend and I to my car, where it sat almost pleading with me to take him home. ( I had 2 dogs at the time that would not have taken kindly to a cat and my friend was highly allergic.) Anyways, I decide to pick him up and make a few phone calls to see if I can find a shelter for cats (No kill, of course.) After about an hour and a half of calling every place imaginable, we realized that it was a lost cause, because none would take the cat due to the high stray population. (In other words, they were full.) The only other option would have been to take to the county animal shelter, which would have led to the inevitable of the cat being put down. I eventually decided I'd ask my girlfriend to take it in, she obviously was happy to see the cute little thing, but unfortunately couldn't take it. She had suggested I take him to the local vet and have him scanned for a chip, so I did just that. They scanned him to no avail, I'm tired at this point and this whole process has taken up most of my day and night and now, here I was stuck with a cat that I didn't know what to do with... At that moment, my pager goes off (I'm a volunteer firefighter) for a reported house fire. Quick thinking me decides to just release the cat in the park across the street, thinking he'd have plenty to eat and stuff... So that's exactly what I did. ( Remember, I'm doing this all in a hurry, in order to make it to the firehouse for the call.) The cat decided he had other plans and bolted in the complete opposite direction, into a major road, gets hit by a car and thrown about 40 feet, gets up and runs into the darkness behind a church across the street... I'm standing there in horror, almost in tears thinking to myself, "What the hell did I get myself into!?" I slowly walked back to my car and lied to my girlfriend, that the cat ran into the park and was extremely happy to be free... I've never looked at a cat the same way...
TL; DR Tried to save a cat, pretty sure I released it to its death.
holomanga: The cat got up and ran somewhere, that doesn't seem much like a symptom of death.
Newstrish: I was told that sometimes when they take a hit like that, they run off and go die somewhere else
holomanga: Don't ruin my dreams ;n;
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1403640856 | 1403648617 | t3_28zv0b | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by Posting on 4chan (NSFW)
Prospekt01: What did you expect from 4chan? Civilized conduct?
[deleted]: I honestly wasn't expecting the dickgirls. I was on a video game board, like come on.
Prospekt01: Never underestimate their abilities.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1403642012 | 1403648440 | t3_28zx2j | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By letting my "ex" back into my life
Girl I started dating in 2010 for 10 months recently came back into my life. We ended abruptly over a stupid argument with no real closure. Literally one day fine and next day we stopped talking. Haven't spoke/seen each other in three years. We were never official but we both had strong feelings for each other.
She contacted me randomly after she spoke with our mutual friend(my best friend). We met up one night and I thought we would go our separate ways again but we didn't. She began texting me more and more and eventually this led to dinner. We caught up on each others lives and she tells me she got into a relationship shortly after me and they have been together since. On the way home from that dinner she calls me and tells me she still has feelings for me and hasn't been able to stop thinking about me since we saw each other. She tells me she still loves me and it brought back some feelings I thought were long gone. We continue the constant contact.
It was her birthday on Wednesday so I tried contacting her but no response. She calls the morning after and apologizes. This past Friday and Saturday we face-time for couple hours each night and I know this is about to lead somewhere but I cant stop myself, I still have strong feelings for her after all these years.
On Sunday morning she text's me to hangout before she hangs out with her friends. We hang and go our separate ways. Later that night she asks to hang out again. She comes over around 10 and we have sex.
Afterwards she gets upset and says we can never speak again, how this wasn't suppose to happen, how her life is now ruined, how badly she messed up by coming over, etc...
She has now deactivated her FB, wont answer my calls/texts, and it appears she told her (ex?)BF what happened. I never wanted to be that guy who messes up a happy relationship but I just couldn't stop it. She was coming on too strong and all these old feelings came back. I wanted her back in my life but it seems we just never were meant to be.
TL;DR
Let "ex" back into my life after 3 years, fucked her while she was in a LTR with another guy.
naekicks: Both of you screwed up, but you shouldn't feel like you messed up a "happy relationship." This would have never happened if she was indeed happy...
Paran0ix: Can back this up.
Of someone decides to cheat on his partner, then the relationship can't be 'happy'.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403642557 | 1403651968 | t3_28zy3w | t5_2to41 | 16 | alta4life: TIFU By getting a bloody nose with a girl
So I've gone on a couple of dates with this pretty attractive girl. Things were going well on our last date so we decided to watch a movie (Inglorious Bastards of course to get her in the mood). About half way through the movie flirtatious tickling and wrestling began. Things started to heat up and we began to make out. As we're making out it felt wetter than a kiss should, but I shrugged it off. So we kept going and I finally noticed a stain on her face... my blood! There was so much blood coming out of my nose and it was everywhere! At that point we both went and washed off, and she finished the movie with me but obviously she was turned off. At this point I'm just waiting to see if I've completely blown any chance with this girl! Damn you nose!!!
HopelessSemantic: That is a terrible movie.
In-Valid-Username: If they were planning on making out and wrestling for half of it I don't think it matters.
HopelessSemantic: I guess it makes sense to not put on a movie you really want to watch, but I would think that a movie that terrible would kill the mood.
In-Valid-Username: The Bear-Jew is so sexy though.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1403644867 | 1403645649 | t3_29023f | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my wife paint.
My wife decided she is going to go on this whole big home improvement bullshit, and completely re-do the living room. Fine, whatever, knock yourself out, I real don't care.
She decides that we're getting new carpet, furniture, paint, the whole nine yards. We originally planned on painting before the new carpet comes, for obvious reasons, but the carpet came before the paint, so no big deal, we'll throw tarps down before we paint, and go on our way.
While I was at work today and my wife was bored at home, ambition got the best of her and she decides she is going to start painting. I tell her go for it, as long as she puts the tarp down before she starts. She calls me about a half an hour later sobbing, telling me she knocked over the paint can. I tell her no big deal, I can always go and buy more paint. She then tells me that she forgot the tarp, and half a gallon of burgundy paint is now on our week-old beige carpet. Fuck….
HopelessSemantic: Get more burgundy paint, splash it around the carpet. Then get beige paint and splash it onto the burgundy wall. Problem solved.
Or [try to get it out](http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Paint-Out-of-Carpet). You know, your choice.
Phillyfan10: WE both tried getting it out haha it's in there for the long haul.
HopelessSemantic: What did you do to try to get it out?
Phillyfan10: Tried using various cleaning products, vinegar, and a few other things suggested on the internet with no luck haha
HopelessSemantic: Damn. Well, you have a few options then.
* Hire professional cleaners
* Rearrange your furniture so the spot is covered.
Or, my personal favorite,
* Splash paint around and pretend it was all intentional! Wooo!
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1403645159 | 1403720090 | t3_2902ju | t5_2to41 | 26 | pacificpacifist: TIFU by sending my mom porn.
Okay so this was a couple months ago. My grades in school had been slacking, but I had managed to bring them back up. I wanted to tell my mom the good news, but I was on the toilet, so I opened my phone's browser, pulled up my grades from my school's website, and took a screenshot.
Meanwhile...
My friends and I had discovered /r/whywouldyoufuckthat . I had found [this image (nsfw)](http://i.imgur.com/tJSNZlT.gif) and was planning on sending it to my friends for shock value. After sending that image to them, I still had the link copied in my phone.
So, I opened my texting app, and, for some reason, after screenshotting my grades, I tried to use the paste function to send my mom the screenshot, instead of sending an image.
I sent her the imgur link.
I will never forget that scramble I did out of the bathroom, mid-wipe (that's right, I didn't even finish wiping), to her bedroom. I pleaded and pleaded her not to open the link I texted her, but as expected, this only piqued her curiosity. She opened it and immediately assumed it was porn (and for those of you who didn't open the link, I don't blame her, although it wasn't), and likewise, that I was addicted to porn (I'm not).
She's a fairly religious person, and made me read from the bible every night for nearly a month, and I'm pretty sure she still thinks I'm addicted to porn to this day.
**TL;DR:** I accidentally send my mom a disgusting imgur link and was assumed a porn addict. Had to read from the bible as punishment.
DeliciousDave: BULLSHIT
pacificpacifist: What's bullshit?
DeliciousDave: > made me read from the bible every night for nearly a month, and I'm pretty sure she still thinks I'm addicted to porn to this day.
pacificpacifist: Nah bro, shes religious af, so she overreacts to things like this
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1403648431 | 1403655871 | t3_2907wr | t5_2to41 | 133 | DavidTennantsTeeth: TIFU by wearing a suit to drop off a resume.
I blew my chances of getting this job. A friend gave me a heads up that a position came open at the company he works for. I said I'd go ahead and email them my resume. He said they would like it better of I dropped of my resume in person.
Well I thought, if I'm going to be there in person I'm going to look professional. I put on a shirt, tie, slacks, and coat.
I show up to drop off my resume, and the receptionist won't even let me introduce myself to a supervisor. So...I leave my resume.
Well, my friend calls me later and says his boss was wondering why I showed up in a suit. Said it was strange.
Excuse me for trying to be a professional. I guess I just need to tone it down.
Sootea: That is really odd. The safest bet would be to dress up. I would have done the same.
DavidTennantsTeeth: I guess what freaked him out was this wasn't an interview. Just leaving a resume. He's probably not used to people dressing up to simply drop off a resume.
PiG_ThieF: Tell them you were on your way to another interview. That way it looks like you are in demand and not desperate .
DavidTennantsTeeth: This. I'm pretty sure that was my problem. I bet I looked too desperate. Thanks. I'll certainly keep this in mind.
PiG_ThieF: Can I ask what kind of job? Most bosses would prefer over dressed.
DavidTennantsTeeth: IT Technician.
mangage: "how can that guy be in IT? where are his sandals and khakis?"
| 8 | 16.625 | |
1403648218 | 1403662359 | t3_2907ka | t5_2to41 | 17 | Syrus_Black: TIFU by playing a practical joke in my coworker that almost cost me my job.
So happend a couple months ago. Coworker whom I am fairly close with has a bad habit of leaving his computer unlocked. On April 1st I decided to show him why it is so important.
I changed his enterprise email signature for ONLY sent mail (to exclude replies and forwards) to say,
Anon Anonenson,
Balloon Enthusiast and Magician Male Model Extraordinaire
I also put enough line breaks before hand, where when looking at any email from him, the signature would not be visible unless you scrolled down for a bit. So the likelihood of anyone actually noticing was slim. I left it up there for a couple weeks. My DM (whom is an unbearable asshat) caught wind of it and wrote me up with the promise that had HR not allowed it, he would have fired me. Kicker is, the "victim" didnt even care. He actually thought it was hilarious. Nor did anyone else know about it prior to him finding it.
Well so much for me every having fun with my coworkers ever again.
Teotwawki69: Office practical jokes are like what happens in Vegas -- funny as long as they don't affect outsiders or the company's image. Email sigs leak out. Swapping the coffee creamer for ground-up Alka-Seltzer, for example, only leaks out of the coffee cup.
Not that you should do that, or anything...
(And playing a practical joke *in* your coworker will probably at the least get you written up for sexual harassment, if not fired and arrested for assault. Just sayin'.)
Lehk: > Swapping the coffee creamer for ground-up Alka-Seltzer
duly noted.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1403646561 | 1403705335 | t3_2904td | t5_2to41 | 11 | thedirtyberty: TIFU by disrespecting Ricky Bobby
Today I had a final in my American history class. I go to a community college in California on the quarter system so we are in school later then everyone else. For my final, we had to write an essay. My teacher gave us five prompts throughout the course and told us he would give us three on the final to choose from.
Being the lazy dumbass I am I prepared for only one, the prompt on the civil war. We spent a lot of time on the civil war throughout the class so I thought there was no way he wouldn't choose it. My teacher had a hard on for the civil war. I pretty sure he sucked on Stonewall Jackson's dick in a past life. This morning before he passed out the final, being the ass clown that I am I said out loud during class "please baby Jesus, May the civil war question be one of the prompts". I got a good chuckle from the class and even Stonewall's mistress. When he finally passed out the prompt to my dismay and to the enjoyment of everyone else he had put the other four prompts on the final and not the one on the civil war. Upon reviewing this personal misfortune of a final, without hesitation or thought I blurted out "goddammit, fuck baby Jesus". Immediately I felt the eyeballs of thirty classmates and my teacher staring at me with a look on their faces of "WTF did this guy just say". I felt horrible and immediately regretted it. The worst part was nobody said anything, they just fucking stared at me making me it so much worse.
I went on to write my essay on Americas expansion into the West. It was actually a pretty good essay that I feel pretty proud of because I didn't prepare to write on it. As I turned in my final, my teacher pulls me aside and says "you might not want to blurt out sacrilegious statements. You never know who you might offend. That person might be your teacher". I apologized and went to the bathroom to wipe the sweat coming off my face and get the shit out of my pants.
Tl;Dr I am seriously hoping my teacher is an Atheist
Im_no_Psychologist: Sounds more like you fucked up by disrespecting everyone around you.
Silverlight42: Yep. Blurting out anything like that just highlights your own insecurity and it's fairly unnerving to people who are already in a stressed state. There's a reason everyone's quiet... trying to focus, get those few moments you can right before the exam...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403651789 | 1403673123 | t3_290dgo | t5_2to41 | 12 | Aw_Lawd: TIFU: I hit a dog on the interstate going 70 mph
I was traveling on the interstate around 10 am and out of nowhere, four big dogs bolt out of the woods in a line and run across the road. I hit the third one and couldn't safely pull over due to the other cars swerving to avoid the other dogs. I pulled over at an exit to assess the damage (my front end is completely shredded.)
My friend says I was legally obligated to stop and try to help the dog or at least get him off the road and I will get in trouble for this when the insurance company investigates. Is this true? Did I fuck up??
GalaxyGlitter: Can't get in trouble, but it would be morally correct to have at least the decency to check on the poor animal.
Aw_Lawd: I didnt pull over because I was scared I would have caused an accident. I was on a busy interstate and the people beside and behind me where swerving to avoid hitting the other three dogs. My friend just showed me an article where some woman hit a dog and didnt stop to help it and she got arrested. Wtf.
| 3 | 4 | |
1403652952 | 1404770259 | t3_290f7x | t5_2to41 | 14 | KenAdams02: TIFU by inadvertently Disclosing Confidential Information
TIFU, rather last Thursday I fucked up, on a million to one chance that I could have got in trouble for something that did not even involve me. Now here I am, six months into my brand new IT career, and I have already projected a HUGELY negative bias on the VP and the HR director (all with the IT Director being out for the day, making my million to one chance of fucking up more like a billion to one chance).
Back Story time:
Mr. IT Director was out for the latter half of last week taking care of family and personal business, and he left operations in my quite capable hands; he has done this several time before including when he moved his family to the US from out of the country. Wednesday afternoon goes by incredibly smoothly, as does Thursday morning with the usual IT related issues. Thursday afternoon turns out to become the biggest mother of fucks, as soon as Mr. VP walks into our IT room for a request. "Ken (not my real name), we have a rather serious accusation against a manager, and I would like to know if it is possible to investigate".
Honestly, I was a bit shaken in the request, being that it was a serious accusation, and that what I was expected to do was extremely scary, albeit perfectly within the companies rights regarding their "property". Being a little phased, I told Mr. VP let me call the IT Director and confirm this is possible - agreed, and Mr. VP left the IT office. So I call IT Director, explain the situation, and also explain that I am a bit shaken up by the request (which is quite easy to accomplish, and I knew exactly what to do, I just had MANY apprehensions).
IT Director says please help VP with the request, it should be very easy to do, you just....XXXXX and done. So I called VP back into IT, and we sat down to investigate the issue together.
We confirmed the acquisitions of previously mentioned manager were 100% true. FUCK (not like I did anything wrong, but the last thing I expected was that Mr. Manager was actually guilty). VP thanks me for my time, tells me that he will continue to investigate, and commends me on how quickly I was able to help, and how we have stopped a potentially HUGE conflict of interests. "Awesome, glad to help, I will update Mr. IT Director with our finds and please keep the both of us in the loop. Have a nice day.." holding back my nervous, about to vomit feelings.
Now the actual Problem:
An hour goes by, and the technician directly beneath the manager under investigation comes knocking on IT's door. "Ken, I need to speak to you about whats going on"...oh for gods sake...VP is handling the situation, and I cannot discuss it any further. Technician was insistent, "I've vested all this time and effort...yada yada yada, and did he actually XXXX?" ...now wait a minute, how did the technician know that was the EXACT circumstances of what went down? - I asked had he spoken with VP regarding the matter, to which he replied "I was the one that first reported the matter to him, and we have been talking directly with each other"... *and now the mistake* Well Mr. Technician, VP is still directly handling the incident, but as I'm sure he has told you since you know the EXACT circumstances, yes VP and myself sat down and upon investigation, Mr. Manager was exactly guilty of XXXX. "Thank you Ken, now I can have peace of mind that we are doing the right thing"...well yeah, I guess that makes two of us..Sweet jesus its 2pm, I have not even had lunch..later! So I head upstairs to reheat my leftovers.
No sooner do I arrive upstairs, Mr. VP follows me to the lunch are and confronts me "Did you speak with anyone regarding what we found?" ...ummm, Mr. Technician stopped by and essentially repeated verbatim everything that we had found, and expalined that he was speaking directly with you. VP: " Did you tell him what we had found? " ...YES, he repeated everything that we had found when the only person I had spoke with regarding the matter was you.. VP: "You can't go divulging that information, we are looking at terminating this Manager's employement" ...I didnt divulge anything, he already knew ALL of the information; confidentially is a huge part of my job, and I told him that you were (still) handling the issue...VP: "yes he said thatyou told him exactly that, just please don't divulge information and don't let it happen again"
FUCK FUCKITTY FUCK FUCK FUCK
I call Mr. IT Director and explain what just went down, and tell him I have a bad feeling about the whole situation...he reassures me that is such an unusual request, everyhting will be just fine; have a good weekend and I will see you on Monday.
And Now The Fuck Up:
Mr. IT interrupts me on setting up a new laptop, and profusely starts apologizing. He hands me a 2 sheet paper from HR and the VP documenting what has happened - Its a final warning, the step before termination of my employment.
WHAT IN THE FUCK
Mr. IT Director, still profusely apologizing that he had to give me this explains that because of the whole situation, VP wanted my employment terminated on Monday, but IT Director talked him down to a final warning INSISTING this was a completely isolated incident, Ken has performed ALL of his duties at or above expectations, and has had ZERO complaints. God Bless Mr. IT Director, that man has my back 100%, and is the reason why I still have a job right now. I literally break down and start bawling my eyes out about why would they take such action; why did they not come to me regarding the issue; why are they reprimanding me when it clearly says on their paperwork "Ken first advised him that he cannot discuss the matter any further", and why isn't Mr. Technician's actions being evaluated. Now I am completely fearful of losing my job, and feel like I can't accomplish a thing because I am preoccupied about any further actions being taken against me, rather than focusing on my tasks. I know the issue has literally just happened as of lunchtime today, but I feel as I am completely fucked at a company that I love working at..
TL:DR A manager was fired, his subordinate confronted me confirming EXACTLY how Mr. Manager violated company policy, shit went down and now my ethics and practices are under direct scrutiny from HR and VP.
The only reason I still have a job is because of the SAINT of an IT Director that I work with. VP and HR have yet to speak with me regarding the incident, rather they felt slapping me with a final warning was the correct action.
atragicoffense: Sucks man, but keep your head and it'll all blow over. I'm sure the VP has better things to do than keep a grudge.
KenAdams02: ^This is exactly what happened: IT Director, HR Admin, and even the owner of the company all told me that people make mistakes/don't let it happen again; apologize to VP and I'm sure he will forget all about it.
Its reassuring that the owner stepped in (we are on very good terms) and he assured me that all the positives I have accomplished with the company, far outweigh this one negative. His own words were "We want you here, and we want to see you succeed; you are young and very intelligent, and are someone we definitely want to have representing our company. I want you to feel confident that you can work with all the employees here, but also want you to realize that given the circumstances those same employees will not look out for your well being, only their own". The instance was noted in HR records, and the final warning was formally discarded after apologizing to the VP and "thanking him for the opportunity to continue my work and excellence with the company". Ultimately I was left with two impressions - It was a test to see how I conducted myself via the Warning, and that the subordinate I confirmed the confidential information to was under investigation himself; My confirmation gave him time to weasel his way out of suspicions that he was additionally as guilty as the manager that was fired..As for VP, I think it is quite obvious this a person I plan on staying as far away from as I can..the guy is UberCorporate, and about as stable as Nitroglycerine..
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1403652648 | 1403660206 | t3_290es1 | t5_2to41 | 37 | DinosaurPig: TIFU by exiting airport security
It is more like today I am currently fucking up. The fucking up is not yet over. I found a cheap flight to Japan for today and bought a Delta ticket from my hometown to LA for the 16 hour layover and then connection with my overseas airline. I landed in LA and everything was great! I found out my connecting flight was in a different terminal and I would have to exit security to get to the new one. That was my mistake. I should've just hung around, got drunk, slept on their sweet sweet cushy chairs, then gone to my next flight in the morning, but I didn't. I left the safety and beauty of the remodeled Delta terminal and trudged across the damn airport to get in early. As it turns out this airline won't print your boarding pass more than four hours in advance of your flight and security won't let you through more than 5 hour in advance. So I'm just sitting on a bench being mad at myself for the next 14 hours.
Edit: Decided to stay at LAX to save money. Only seven more hours before I can get my boarding pass.
my_meat_is_grass_fed: Oh, so you're not actually in trouble (as in, being held by security). That's a relief, but does sound like an uncomfortable way to spend the day/evening. Hope you at least have a way to entertain yourself. Oh wait, you're on reddit. Well, there you go!
DinosaurPig: Hopefully I can find an outlet and have a 16 hour reddit-a-thon.
_quicksand: DO IT. I expect to see your comments on every front page post for the next 16 hours
DinosaurPig: I'm more the lurk kind than the comment kind, but I will see what I can do.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1403654311 | 1403654915 | t3_290h7d | t5_2to41 | 7 | imbeat: TIFU by pleasuring my wife
We were in the heat of the moment and I forgot to cut my fingernails. My hand and bed sheets were covered in blood, she was not on her period.
DETRITUS_TROLL: How long do you let your fingernails get?!
If they get past my fingertip it drives me crazy.
imbeat: I would say a bit longer
DETRITUS_TROLL: No shit!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403654678 | 1403810812 | t3_290hq3 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by initiating the break-up I later realized I didn't want
So my boyfriend and I (of almost two years) spent the better part of our relationship long distance. I made plenty of visits, sometimes a weekend, sometimes a whole month. We eventually decided that we wouldn't ever do long distance again after I moved back to the area he lives in.
He and I and our group of friends have been planning to move out west this coming September (Montana to be exact) and with that move, I'd be able to start my yoga teacher training as well as begin to help in the build of a sustainable house for the 5 of us.
But then I lost my job. The job that I was counting on to allow me to pay for the current apartment I am living in for the summer. The job I was counting on to help me save enough to move. I've desperately been trying to find new work and over the weekend, was offered a part time position.
I'm in a frantic panic mode and realize that even if I worked 40 hours starting today, I would barely break even at the end of the summer, which won't allow me to extend my stay in my current city, let alone move out west.
During an argument about me staying here in Philly to save up after they leave I said "Aren't we just prolonging the inevitable? We agreed we can't be long distance... so if I stay in Philly to save up money, aren't we just going to break up anyway?" And he agreed. It seemed like the right thing in the moment.
After so many tears and tissues I went back to my apartment and realized just how much I love this man. I never stopped loving him. I just felt hurt that he would be moving on and I wouldn't be able to and that through my struggle and stress, I was hurting him. I didn't consider that I would be living a few blocks from him and that he wouldn't immediately reconsider like I had. He doesn't want to get back together. When I asked about the future i.e: "What happens when I save up enough, can I come to Montana then? Will we be back together" he just said "no nagemxof.... you can't think like that. you need to focus on yourself now. I can't tell you what will happen in the future and I don't want to give you false hope"
It hurts so bad knowing that I still love someone who I know loves me too and that circumstances like money and distance tear people apart. I fucked up. I fucked up big time.
Osafune2: If you both love each other, you will find a way back together in time
otisreddingsong: This fairy tale logic is Fucked up and if we didn't believe in shit like this as a society, I think we'd be better off. You aren't limited to one great love in your life! It really seems like this is for the best, even if it hurts now.
Osafune2: Yeah I know. What I mean is, if the both of them do love each other, eventually they will realise they want each other back.
If he doesn't anymore, then it's for the best
otisreddingsong: Or not- two people can love each other and know they loved each other and still move on with their lives
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1403656917 | 1403712063 | t3_290kzg | t5_2to41 | 52 | smokeyythabear: TIFU by turning Apples to Apples in to Cards Against Humanity..
I was playing Apples to Apples with my family. I forget when exactly, but I was with my grandma, my cousins, my aunt, etc. (some big family gathering). My grandma put down the green card, and it was something like "lucky". So, my genius self put down "Anne Frank". For some reason, I thought that she had survived the Holocaust in hiding and gotten her diaries published (I had read the book, but I guess I forgot the part about her being taken away and later dying in a concentration camp). So my cousin had to explain this to me in front my my grandma who was alive during the holocaust. She's Polish. Her family was in Poland during the Nazi occupation. TIFU..
..but still not as badly as that guy who fucked his cousin in the ass when he was six.
69IDontCare96: Can I get a link to that TIFU?
smokeyythabear: http://us.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1yf68c/tifu_by_having_gay_sex_with_my_cousin_when_i_was/
J4r3ds: OP, doing God's work.
| 4 | 13 | |
1403655852 | 1403764738 | t3_290jgg | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by holding my erect penis in front of my flatmate.
So this morning I was laying in bed playing around with my "morning wood" as I normally do and my girlfriend calls me to talk about my cv that she's been helping me with. So I chatted away to her happily playing away with myself. (sorry I know you'll read this) we finish up the call and I get back to bussines. A minute or so goes by and I'm making good progress and the door bell goes... I get a shock because nobody ever comes to our door. I instantly panicked, threw off the duvet and jumped out of bed but naked grabbing my erect penis like it was the Nimbus 3000 and flew into the hallway to meet my flatmate who had already got out of bed to answer the door. I just stood there holding it. Not even realising what I was doing. Then eye contact was made... I suddenly realised what was happening. He gave me the most disgusted look i have ever seen and answered the door. I scrambled back into my room and shamefully finished off the job.
[deleted]: You should have finished right there.
Silent_Definition: Look him in the eyes and finish on his shoes to show who is the dominate flatmate.
leon3546: Something like [this] (http://x1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/4031250+_c63f5fd8d2b2f67e837515143346e1fd.gif) (nsfw-ish)
| 4 | 9 | |
1403658625 | 1403680856 | t3_290nfz | t5_2to41 | 13 | your_mind_aches: TIFU by ordering KFC
I'm really nervous with ordering things through the phone but my parents make me do it most of the time and I understand why. And this actually happened today.
Today I ordered KFC. The initial call to KFC went off without a hitch, but when the delivery lady called, said she was on our street and asked which house, I was like a [deer in the headlights](http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070411154622/scrubs/images/c/c0/1x01JDdeerinheadlights.jpg). I wasn't used to having to think on my feet like this. I stammered, trying to describe the house and the lady got a bit annoyed.
So there's this well-known place right on our street, I'll call it "X".
The lady asked how far our house was from X. I was nervous and hastily replied that it was three houses after X. She asked if it was on the same side. I replied yes.
So I went outside with the money and waited... When I realised my screw up. The KFC that I ordered from was from the left.... and X is on our right.
I facepalmed so hard. Suddenly, I heard a car horn beeping near the house I told them I lived at. It was so loud. Who knows, I may have woken those people up.
My mom called them back and handled everything. A different person came to deliver the KFC a whole hour after I'd called. I was so embarrassed.
Now for the **real** TIFU of this story. *I forgot to order biscuits.*
**TL;DR** I chickened out when ordering chicken in.
[deleted]: My question is where the fuck does KFC deliver!?
[deleted]: Asia.
your_mind_aches: Maybe. Except I don't live there.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1403642730 | 1404865874 | t3_28zyf2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | ohno777: TIFU by overdosing on sodium
*this didn't actually happen today. It happened several years ago..*
I always watched Dragon Ball Z as a kid and I wondered how Goku and pals could just scarf down bowls of plain rice.
Obviously the next course of action was to douse my rice in table salt and eat it for dinner to imitate Goku. I finished my bowl (with progressive difficulty) and within minutes I developed fever-like symptoms.
I broke out into a cold sweat, I couldn't stand up, my lips, mouth, and throat were dry, but most of all my body would not stop shivering violently for hours.
But hey, I was like Goku for a bit there.
GwendolynShea: I'm pretty sure if you put enough salt on your rice to actually overdose the food wouldn't even be edible, and this is from somebody who LOVES salt. Also, if you were a kid who couldn't stop shivering violently for hours, and couldn't even stand up, why didn't your parents take you to a hospital?
wtfwtfwtfdude: Wrong, I once ate 4 packages of top ramen in a 24 hour period of time, along with some other salty snacks, and ended up nearly in a coma, my body was shaking, I had uncontrollable twitching. I was on no drugs or alcohol, I was just poor and ate like an idiot. Trust me, this can happen, and not to mention all the studies coming out indicating that many childhood issues might be caused by over salted maternal units aka hypernatremia. (hypernatremia is what my blood test revealed was going on)
http://healthyeating.sfgate.com/side-effects-ingesting-much-salt-6242.html
With modern food stocks, it is VERY VERY easy to go over your daily sodium intake WITHOUT even trying. GwendolynShea does NOT know what she/he is talking about!!
If you want to know why there is so much sodium in modern food, just research the Sodium Lobbies, making sure your food is salty as FUCK since I dunno, but ya, that's why.
He probably felt stupid just like i did when I overdosed on salt, I didn't tell anyone, personally I was afraid they would think I was doing drugs, which I wasn't, and I just kept it to myself once I got out of hospital.
GwendolynShea: I know there are plenty of sodium-heavy foods, and that'd it'd be easy to overdose on eating super salty foods. And I'm not doubting sodium overdose is a thing. BUT if you take a salt shaker and dump enough on your plain white rice to overdose that'd be some damn salty rice. That's all I was saying.
I'm going by specifically what OP said, and since he didn't mention eating ramen/chips/what have you beforehand, I based my comment off the assumption the overdose came from the rice meal.
ohno777: I was just describing what my experience was. Perhaps it wasn't edible but I ingested it anyway.
In this particular situation, I was home alone and this was before cell phones. I hope you aren't blaming my parents for neglecting their child. That isn't the case.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1403659191 | 1403710816 | t3_290o94 | t5_2to41 | 25 | isk8kona: TIFU by drinking bottles of beer
This happened about two months ago. I got off work and decided to grab a six pack of sweetwater ipa in bottles. This was my first mistake. I made it back home, grab my back pack, camera bag, and beer and proceed to walk up my front steps. I tripped on the third step and fall forward unable to catch myself. I dropped the six pack perfectly so that the top of the closest bottle broke off and went directly into my wrist... deep. My roommate woke me up holding a belt and a towel a while later because I had passed out and hit my head. 15 stitches later and it's all good. But Damn was that scary.
TL;DR fell on a broken bottle, looks like I tried to kill myself.
joelwinsagain: The good news is you still have five more beers to make you feel better
isk8kona: Four actually, two broke. Most expensive four beers ever. About $1600.
MrDestruktiv: Are you seriously had to pay 1600$ to get you repaired? lol (I don't know the correct English word, sorry) That's just ... Wow
isk8kona: It would be "did you seriously pay" :-) and yes, unfortunately because my healthcare provided through my job is basically an hsa (health savings account) and my deductible is $5000.
Silverlight42: wow... if I had to pay that to get stitched up, i'd quickly learn how and do it myself for all but life threatening things. Heck, i'd even stitch up friends for like $200 ish.
isk8kona: It was unbelievably painful and life threatening as well. I couldn't even close my right hand for about 2 weeks.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1403659228 | 1403700171 | t3_290obb | t5_2to41 | 9 | FunkEnet: TIFU shaving my head.
I give my head a shave every once and a while instead of paying a barber to do it. I just buzz it off with a clippers. I had let my hair get longer than usual but decided today was the day to shave it off. I was about half way done when the clippers slipped out of my hands and fell directly into the toilet. I immediately pulled the plug because it was complete submerged and I know electricity and water are a bad combo. Now I am sitting here with a half shaved head contemplating my options. I am going to get some seriously weird looks when I wander into Target to buy a new clippers, I wish I owned a hat about now.
My_Empty_Wallet: does it not work? Mine can take a splash and keep working fine.
FunkEnet: I hadn't flushed the toilet before this happened. :(
cultivatorchris: Ohhh man
PunsInc: Who does not flush the toilet after use wtfffff
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1403660315 | 1403714275 | t3_290pxo | t5_2to41 | 3 | fhdkdjxbxndks: Tifu by giving another man oral
I thought I would like it, really, but I couldn't even do it until the end and now I want to puke. I've already washed my mouth with soap it was so gross. I'm not a virgin and I really thought it'd be fun but Jesus I want to crawl in a hole and die.
[deleted]: Are you a guy too or what...
3005003: "Another man" Context clues buddy.
E-- a letter
| 3 | 1 | |
1403657119 | 1403662966 | t3_290l9u | t5_2to41 | 17 | Lowlife_caucasion: TIFU by making my girlfriend think I have herpes
First I should start off by saying that me and my gf are currently in summer school for two different high schools. Once my class was over, I thought I would surprise her by driving to her school since we don't really get to see each other that much due to our homes being far away from each other and her strict parents. I arrived at her new school right after her class ended and saw her looking lonely waiting for her dad to pick her up. Sure enough, once I walked out of the car, she saw me and was ecstatic to see this unexpected surprise. She ran up to hug me and we stood there for a few minutes embracing each other tight because we hadn't seen each other for awhile. As we were talking, waiting for her dad, I went to kiss her and she quickly turned her head so that I would kiss her cheek. I felt a little offended, but didn't think anything of because she's really paranoid of her parents finding out we're dating. (She's not allowed to date. They think we're just close friends) Her dad arrives shortly after to pick her up and I bid my goodbyes to both of them. I felt really happy the rest of the day until I looked in at the mirror...I should explain first that my lips get chapped fairly often, and since I don't like the feeling of chapstick or anything like that, I usually peel the dry skin from my lips. Which sometimes tends to cause bleeding. So when I looked in the mirror, I saw a dark red mark on my bottom lip that turned out to be dried blood. And then it hit me...was that why she rejected my kiss? Or was it her paranoia? But I can't help but think that TIFU
I should also add that she hasn't called me like she usually does today. And I can only get a call from her and not to her because she's not allowed to use the phone. And she got her cell taken away.
penguinsstealsanity: This isn't so much a fuck up (you didn't do anything that was stupid) as a sucky situation. The good news is once you're in college, the girls can lie to their parents and the parents will be none the wiser.
alexmikli: Also good news is that she didn't get superficial and stupid just because she thinks you have oral herpes.
But yeah don't get paranoid about it OP just mention it next time you're with her.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1403659531 | 1403759272 | t3_290oqd | t5_2to41 | 2,774 | Weinersonthemenu: TIFU by causing the police to be called to my school
Along with the rest of you people, my fuck up did not occur today. It was about three months ago.
It's my last semester of my senior year in high school. On friday night, I pick my car up from the shop where it had been repaired from a minor car accident. It's got some writing on the windows in this white paint pen-type-thing (I guess just so the shop knows what it is or whatever). I take a razor and scrape that shit off, leaving the razor (stupidly) on the dash.
The track meet goes well and a two other throwers spend Saturday night at my house. After they've already left Sunday morning, I realize that they left a few things in my trunk, including one of their tupperware things of chalk (we use it on our hands when we throw for better grip). No big deal, I just put the container on the front seat so I can return it to my friend at school Monday. My car is kind of junky, so there's some clutter up there, including my chalk, which double-bagged in gallon bags.
At school, I forget to bring the chalk in in the morning.
About 10:30, our principal comes, in person, to retrieve me from class. I'm not really worried because I don't really do much that I could get in trouble for (at least not at school), but it's still obviously pretty scary. He brings me to his office, where there are three (3) police officers, one of which is kind of like an undercover one. He's got kakhis and a polo shirt and a gun and a badge.
#scaryasfuck
My school likes to check the parking lot for people that park without passes. Somehow, they had apparently spotted the razor on my dash, which had little white specks that looked a lot like a fine white powder. Upon looking in the windows of my car, they noticed a large plastic bad filled with a similar white powder and a tupperware container of the same thing. When they expained this all to me, I laughed at them, which wasn't at all what they expected, but it seemed that the police did not believe my story. Upon inspecting the powder, they realized that I had been telling the truth. They didn't think it was funny.
alexmikli: The good news is that they didn't wreck your car without a warrant.
Edit:For future readers/commenters, you don't actually need a warrant to search a suspicious car on (most) school properties. The emphasis was on wrecking your car, not just searching it. The police in OP's story definitely did what they were supposed to do and appear to have behaved responsibly, yet it was within the law for them to search the car before he was called upon. Either way, please don't insult their careers simply because others in their position may have done wrong.
supergidds64: Probable cause. No warrant necessary. Assuming of course that this is America
NominalCaboose: School grounds means they don't really even need probable cause.
[deleted]: Or to defend the children. President? Guards with Guns. Vice President? Guards with Guns. Celebrities Like Micheal More? Guards with Guns. Children? Friendly sign saying "No Guns." Definitly works, Right Sandy Hook Elementry School, right? Colombine High School? The State of California? This just in: A Sign doesn't do jack shit.
NominalCaboose: What the fuck are you talking about.
[deleted]: The "Gun-Free" Zones did nothing to stop Adam Lanza from killing 26 Children. The Signs did nothing to Stop Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold from murdering 12 people and wounding 21. It didn't stop Seuing-Hui Cho from murdering 32 at Virginia Tech. A Sign does nothing. Armed Security Guards do.
[deleted]: [Stop signs don't work, so we should get rid of them?](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/14733981/)
[deleted]: Thats for road safety. I See no safety in a sign saying "Fuckstick who wants to murder children, Come here to do it, you will meet 0 Resistance." So Call me crazy.
[deleted]: The gun feee zone is for school safety. Just like the no drugs sign.
[deleted]: people i know have walked into school with Weed in Vapor-Pipes shaped like Pens. Got high Before math. Good job, School. Good Fucking Job.
[deleted]: I've met murderers, thiefs, rapists, and arsonists. Doesn't meant we shouldn't have laws against murder, thievery, rape, and arson. Laws are in place to keep order. They keep people who would do these things from doing them, if they weren't there. Those that break the law are punished per their crime, and society functions.
[deleted]: Although what law is just, depends on the person. Take the Marijuana Legalization. 50/50, but yet its only been illegal for 77 Years, of the last recorded 8000 Years.
[deleted]: Laws are based on what we deem immoral and disruptive behavior to society. We are now starting to see that Mary isn't as negative as we previously thought, and that there may be some medical use for it. Having guns on campus would be disruptive to normal school proceedings.
[deleted]: Not really. Im pretty sure that Amanda Collins didn't deserve to be raped less then 100 Feet from Authorities. Had she had her gun, i'd rather she'd have blown his brains out then her being raped. But someone decided, no she can't defend herself. So she was raped. Im pretty sure that much alike everyone i meet in the average day, has no idea im carrying. because i conceal. It as 0 Bearing on any situation, except the one where i may need to defend myself. We aren't talking giving Eric Harris a Gun to go to College, we are talking about sensical people. Who don't want to be raped, killed or nearly beaten to death.
[deleted]: We can only speculate about alternate stories from history. Her rapist could have forced her gun away from her, or cops could have shot him, or he could not have raped her at all. Anything is possible. Doesn't mean we should force all teachers to have guns, or spend money on armed security, like we are some third world country. The problem is guns, and solving the problem with guns is counter-productive.
[deleted]: I never said force. Hiring Guards, or allowing teachers to carry, would help this issue. The Cops could have shot him? Then Why was nothing done when they were less then 100 feet away? So lets see this. "or spend money on armed security, like we are some third world country." So the President accourding to you deserves no security. My Future Children Deserve no Security. No security for anyone. No Police officers, Nobody that can protect anyone. Got it. Like some third world country? You kidding, The Ghetto's of America, would look like paradise to a third would country. Why does micheal moore not need guns? "because i have enough security to where i don't need to worry about it" The Third World does not have good Schools. If Any. The Fact that you compair America to Third world when even the Ghetto's apear a Paradise to any man or woman from the Third world, is just sad. The Issue is not guns, its people. The Fact that you think guns are the issue shows that its more of a "You" Then the gun. You fear what you could do, so you want them gone so that way theres no way you could do what you are thinking of. You are reflecting inner demons onto an object. Dipshits Who want to murder Kids will get a weapon in any way they want. A Kitchen knife, or a gun, they are tools and will kill just as easy. What Stops a Madman with a Gun? A Sane man with a Gun. That Sane Man could be the teacher, The Security Guard, or a Passerby of the event. The Fact that you'd rather have my future children; and all parents children defenseless shows that you are a coward, and you deserve no freedom, because your opinion takes priority of childrens and peoples lives.
[deleted]: What stops a mad man with a gun is definitely not a good man with a gun. We shouldn't have to live in fear in this country, and judging by your comments you are afraid. There have been multiple stories of "sane" gunmen getting shot. Hell, just recently a derange couple shot several people, including a cop. The cop was armed. Didn't seem to stop them. We shouldn't have to have armed guards at our school. Or at our playgrounds. The president get's a pass because he is the most powerful man in the world with perhaps a billion people who would love to see him dead. I also find it ironic when you call me a coward, for not wanting to live in fear. Our country has companies producing bullet proof blankets for kids, do you not see the problem with this? I love guns, to an extent, but school is no place for a weapon. Period.
[deleted]: I Don't live in fear, the attacker fears being shot, And i have his Kryptonite Holstered. So tell me this: You'd rather take the Chance Unarmed and going to die, Guarentee'd; Or you'd rather go down fighting. Choose one. I love how you say "But School is no place for a weapon. Period." Oh, So if Someone Strangles someone else with thier hands, are Hands not a weapon? Why don't you want to ban hands? Oh yeah, you can't. I Can Stab someone in the Throat with a Pen. I've tested that on [Accurate Models of Ballistic Gelitan.](http://timward.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/dw.jpg). It goes straight in. Why not Ban Pens? Oh yeah, Usefullness. Same goes for Pencils. IF i took my shirt off i could use it as a [Garrotte](http://www.donrearic.com/images/garrottev5.jpg), and choke someone to death with it. So ban Clothes? Why not? They Can be used as a weapon. Oh yeah, usefulness. You wanting to ban things proves that your a scared little mongrel. IF you don't want your Children/Future Children Protected, So be it, But you can assure to my dying breath i will fight for my Future Children and thier Protection that you refuse to have. A Soldier / Police Officer can Add Jobs, and Protect Our Children/Future Children. Why do you not want them protected from those who want them dead? Sure, People want the President dead. Because he is a traitorous murdering incautious cretin. Don't Believe me? What about all the people he sent to Seria? Only Congress can Delcare War, So every death In Seria from the US Troops, or casualties of the US Troops, is on his hands. It was Illegal what he did. I Wonder why people want him dead. TL;DR Everything is a weapon. There are Reasons why people want the President dead. I want children and teens at school to be protected. So Call me Psychotic and "Crazy" you Invertebrate.
[deleted]: You are a violent person aren't you. Yup. I like being unarmed. It reduces the risk of getting shot. Why would we ban pencils and pens. They are not weapons. Would you like our students to have tactical knives too? Why don't we just teach all our kids to be military trained personnel armed to the teeth, so they don't get shot by us. The adults. No, that's a dumb idea. Schools aren't a place for weapons. A pen is a tool, a pencil is a tool, your hands are a tool. Guns and knives... Weapons. And finally. You wanting to kill your president is more traitorous than any act he has done. I don't see how you can call yourself a patriot, but want to kill your commander in chief. Psychotic crazy invertebrate.
[deleted]: I never stated i wanted to kill him. I Stated WHY people want him dead. Nice try about expanding it. You being Unarmed INCREASES your chances of being shot or Stabbed Higer, then if you didn't. Why? Because What does "Please Don't Stab me" Mean to a criminal? Nothing. What does You pulling out a gun mean to a criminal? That he needs to get the fuck out of there. The Fact that you can't see this proves that you don't know the real world. I Don't project my insecurities on others. I Wouldn't trust most people to mow my lawn, let alone own a gun, but thats not my choice to make. I Want Security for Kids and Teens at Schools so that way they don't have to fear some fucking cockass coming into thier school and murdering them. How is that Crazy? How did it go from wanting good protection, to you saying "Oh well train kids to be in the military from birth" last time i can think of that happening was In Nazi Germany. A Pen is a Tool. A Pencil is a Tool. My Hands are a Tool. However a Gun is also a tool, a tool of Defense, or offense. Everything is a Weapon when you know how to use it. Its called "Irregular Warfare". If i bash someone over the head with a Brick, is that brick not being used as a weapon? Or if Someone plows over a crowd in a car, is that car not being used as a weapon? Anything is a weapon. Get that straight, otherwise you will not know why the "Zero Tolerance "Weapons" Policy fails. Once again, Call me crazy for wanting Children and Teens protected from the murderous fuckasses that exist. You Denying that there is a need for protection is an insult to all School Massacer Victims, and Families, Which includes the Children of Sandy Hook, You'd rather have them not protected, but had we had guards, those 26 would probably be under 5 At worst. So, Слабый немного выщелачивания Wanting anything scary looking banned, Say to me that my interest in keeping people safe, is bad. You've Already done it before, so do it again. If you're gonna be a smartass to me, first you have to be smart.
[deleted]: Nope. Putting guns in school is insulting to shooting victims. I remember the parents of Sandy Hook wanting to ban certain types of guns. Now why would they want to put them in school. Makes no sense. I want to protect teens and kids, by keeping them away from these dangerous weapons. If this calls for an outright ban I'll support it. At first you'll hate it, but then you'll get used to it. As far as needing a gun for protection, I'd rather just give my attacker what he wants, instead of risking a shoot out or getting stabbed. Besides as a mugging victim I can tell you, there is hardly anytime to react. I was up against the wall with a knife to my back before I had time to react.
[deleted]: So lets see this... It Insults them? So Guards for there protection, Insults them? Sure...Go with that. Every time something happens, they call for more bans. Which has proven to do nothing, They capitalize on the pain and suffering of others. They are Fucking maggots. Also, With how i CC, (Holster within the pocket) I can be reaching for my "Wallet" and come up shooting. They ask for Money, I comply, Saying "Allright, i'll get my wallet" And if im able to reach to my pockets, then i come up shooting. If they don't let me reach to my pockets, A swift Knee to the Groin, and a quick disarm doesn't hurt either. Maybe the Military Training does come into play at some point. They could Say "I wont stab if you give me the money" and then Stab you anyway. I'd rather risk it, and go out swinging on my feet, rather then die on my knee's. Too many times people have complied only to be killed anyway. I'll take the chance, escpecially with the Pocket Holster.
[deleted]: You and your imaginary wannabe hero scenarios. Trust me when I tell you that trying any of that stuff is going to get you killed. Even a guy who has mastered the art of disarming says he will just comply with his attacker. You think you're better than him? A guy who teaches the military how to disarm. You seriously think you could go for your gun, when your attacker, in my case attackers, are rummaging through your pockets? Just give em what you got. I did what I thought would keep me safe. And again I find it ironic, that you say liberals are capitalizing on the pain and suffering of others when you want to do the very same thing. No weapons in school. I won't support it.
[deleted]: Liberals Capitalizing? I Didn't state anyone. I stated "They." Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. "Give them what you got." That Includes my gun. Fuck. No. Security does not offend. "I Can save your life one day. Does this offend you?" I Imagine that 100% of people in Schools would say No. This lack of Support to defend our children is why dozens are slaughtered in "Gun Free" School Zones.
[deleted]: The deaths of our children are on our hands. When we put the right to bear arms above all other rights. Guns aren't the solution. They are the problem.
[deleted]: Which is why "Gun Free Zones" Have been the location of every massacer in the last decade. "we put the right to bear arms above all other rights" Bullshit, and i will call that. If we truely represnted a free america, there would be no limits as to what you could buy. The Deaths of those Children are the lawmakers fault for refusing to get Security Guards to keep them safe. How would they keep them safe? With a gun. When a bad guy comes in with a gun, he is a problem, and the Armed Security guards are the Solution. A Gun is a tool. It can be used Defensefly, or aggressivly. The Agressor is the Bad man with a Tool, that is more commonly known as a "Gun", and the solution to that is a Good Citizen using His Tool, known as a Gun, to defend Himself or others.
[deleted]: Several things wrong with what you said.
>Which is why "Gun Free Zones" Have been the location of every massacer in the last decade.
That's hilariously incorrect. There was a mass shooting recently. Remember the [Vegas shooting?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Las_Vegas_shootings) This is an excerpt from the article:"Joseph Wilcox, who was carrying a concealed weapon, drew his weapon and confronted Jerad, but passed Amanda as he did so, not realizing that she was armed as well; he was shot in the chest and killed by her."
Your good guy was killed! Guns didn't save him. If he had just stood down he would not have died. He tried to understandably save people, but he didn't know the whole situation. He tried to do the job of the police. So no, guns didn't make him safer. It is ironically the reason he was shot. It doesn't matter if you are armed or not. If someone wants to kill they will. And more likely than not, they will have the jump on you. Guns didn't save him. Guns would not have helped me. Doing nothing is what would have saved him. His death was unnecessary. They weren't going to kill him. They let everyone else in the store go.
[deleted]: I never said Guns made you invincible. Every Man and Woman is Mortal. Gun or not, they all die one day, but an early death can be cercimvented with personal protection. Say what you will, but your opinions do not triumph my rights.
[deleted]: > I never said Guns made you invincible. Every Man and Woman is Mortal. Gun or not, they all die one day, but an early death can be cercimvented with personal protection. Say what you will, but your opinions do not triumph my rights.
Your rights, do not trump mine. And I have a right to a gun free environment. At my school, and at my place of work. You spent this entire time telling me about how guns are this powerful "tool" that can save lives, but when I show how untrue that is you back track. No, guns aren't the ultimate defense. Being smart is the ultimate defense. Knowing when to fight back. Knowing when to lose. If I had fought back that day, I probably wouldn't be here today. I'm sure this would make you very happy. Guns don't make you anything. The only thing they do is make you bolder. Which as I have shown, does not help.
[deleted]: You act as though there are multiple Second Amendments, of which, one applies to you, and one to me. They are the same right. I have the right not to be murdered in cold blood. Your "Right to a gun free environment" Doesn't exist. No where is it in the Bill of rights, or in the other 17 Added Amendments. Guns don't make me bolder, they make me back off more, because I KNOW WHAT THEY CAN DO. Im not going to insult your intelligence by trying to explain what you've said. If you met me, you'd never know i had a gun. Simple, and plain.
[deleted]: No, the second amendment isn't an absolute right. Just like the other amendments it can be subject to regulations. This is why it is illegal to have guns on campuses. So no your rights do not trump mine. You can carry all you want, but not at school, and most businesses. As for the back off thing, your words clearly do not match. You again have spent all this time telling me how if you or some other person had a gun, all crimes would be stopped. So carry all you want, just know that you'll never get to use it. Either you'll die trying like Joseph or you'll never be put in the situation to need to. I hope for the latter. I don't want you to die.
[deleted]: So What about the First Amendment? You can't gather in a group larger then 3 Anymore. Not LEGALLY anyway. If you get into a group that is non-church or Charity Orginization based, you must file for a permit to do so. 4th amendment? Any Amendments? They Deny us our basic rights, Our most basic rights that aren't what the Government can take away from us, but rather what they arent allowed to take from us. Legally any "Second Amendment" law, is Void under the constitution, as the constitution is the law above laws. If only Politicions werent illiterate. And believe me, i have trained with formor (30+ Year veterans) of the Spetsnaz Alpha and Vempyl Units. I'd think that if anyone has taught me what to do, Its the Spetsnaz. (Aka, Войска специального назначения / Voyska spetsialnogo naznacheniya)
[deleted]: The amendments are amendable. They have limitations. I don't believe that group of three business. The students of my high school had a protest, and we didn't sign one paper. So you must show me that law. Plus group hang outs. I don't believe that. The fourth amendment too has limitations. There are several legal loop holes to get around it. The second amendment has limitations. We have in some states, though it should be stronger, background checks. This is legal. And no amount of training could help you when your enemy already has you at gun point. It is already tough enough at knife point.
[deleted]: Not the First 10. They were written so that 250 years later it would still be relevant. Also [Disarming From Krav Maga](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmQk3DnTcSs) and [Disarm From back, still Krav Maga](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7jo1Ga4b0w) and this one [Spetsnaz](http://youtu.be/gFzNkA9-BwU?t=15s) or this one [Which is training demonstrations](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PKfW2R6x_E). (Pardon the shit music that someone added) So when training is know, its not as difficult as thought. Хорошо Дни товарищ.
[deleted]: No. The amendments can be amended. There isn't anything in the constitution stating that you can't write an amendment that amends the bill of rights. Those are some pretty moves, but again not much you can do at gun point. You think you can, but you really can't. Not saying that it is impossible, but the chances are pretty slim. I'd rather just flee, or surrender.
| 36 | 77.055556 | |
1403660207 | 1403663140 | t3_290prd | t5_2to41 | 3 | seraph77: TIFU by not cleaning up water on the floor
kinda_alone: Hi,
Your submission has been removed because it is not Shat Myself Saturday. Please repost then.
seraph77: Really?? I thought that was a minor part of the story.
kinda_alone: It's actually a pretty original one and a good read, but unfortunately, we try and maintain a strict policy. Some redditor would use this as an example why his or her story should be allowed. Sorry man
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1403658571 | 1403714181 | t3_290nci | t5_2to41 | 6 | neo-sub: TIFU by being stupid
So I've been unemployed for a while and a job comes up and I jump at the chance to get it, it was later that day so I got ready and got my shit sorted, interview starts and its simple questions "Why are you right for this role? that sort of shit and I'm blazing through even surprising myself then she asks "What interests you in our company?.......shit............I forgot to do my research (she must have read my facial expression and understood the situation) and then quickly follows it up and inevitably asks "What is the name of our company and what do we do?.........I sink into the chair fumbling over my words, palms are sweaty......knees not so bad and stutter.....s..ss...sales?
TL;DR should have done my research.
penguinsstealsanity: You should have told her that the company optimizes customer experiences through collaborative synergistic product development.
suhaib9: Dude that's.... That's...... Genius! Who are you? Lol. Seriously though it would have been awesome and the face of the interviewer: priceless!
penguinsstealsanity: Just a poor soul tortured by the malevolent penguins of his mind that are slowly divorcing him from all concepts of reality.
suhaib9: Whoa! Do you write books or something?
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1403660749 | 1403676701 | t3_290qj6 | t5_2to41 | 212 | d0pemagik: TIFU by sympathizing with a customer
I work at a movie theater and the number one complaint I hear from customers is about the prices. "$5 dollars for a drink?!? That's crazy" or "$8 for popcorn?? That's outrageous, I should've smuggled in food." Coming from a low-medium income household I know the struggles and can relate to everything being overpriced so I try to sympathize with my customers. Today though, one man came through my line and ordered one of our combos. When I finished his order and told him the price, he looked kind of taken aback and took in a sharp breath. "Wow, it sure is expensive here," he said. I blurted out my natural response which is, "Yeah, I know everything here costs an arm and a leg." It was right as I had finished speaking I looked down and realized he had an amputated arm. He gave me a disapproving look as he threw the cash on the counter before hurrying off.
penguinsstealsanity: At least he had both legs.
d0pemagik: Yeah, he was able to stand the awkwardness
NoMoDetailsBitch: He probably thought you were just pulling his leg.
d0pemagik: I'm trying to think of an amputee joke, but I'm stumped
NoMoDetailsBitch: He works at IHOP, and as an NRA member he is usually armed. If you ask me, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
d0pemagik: I'm pretty sure it was his left arm missing.....served him right!
Razlyk: >severed him right!
FTFY
| 8 | 26.5 | |
1403664510 | 1403665588 | t3_290w1b | t5_2to41 | 15 | LloydChristmas33: TIFU By sending a dirty text to my mom instead of my girlfriend
A brief background, me and my SO just had our first baby girl a month ago, and for obvious reasons, we have not been able to have sex or even stimulation. She is now in her 4th week of recovery so we decided to go forward with a little oral stimulation.
Since her first orgasm in about 8 weeks, we were both pretty excited and have been talking dirty to each other lately. I love eating out my SO, its a huge turn on for me and she gets pleasure as well.
However, when she went to the store last night, I decided to send her a dirty text. I was horny and in a demanding mood. 10 minutes later, she came home and I ravished her with passionate kisses and fondling. She liked it, she was into it for sure. I started pulling off her pants and sexy underwear and proceeded lick and suck her vagina like it was the last remnants of the best mango I've ever had. She finished, and we were happy for the night cuddling.
Today, I open up my texts and the last person I had messaged was my mom. So I opened it, and to my dread, the text had gone to my mom, not my SO. My stomach turned into a knot as I read the following: "When you come back, come in here and close the door. I want to pull down your pants and eat your pussy right away ok?"
I seriously just discovered this about 30 minutes ago, and had to share it with someone. My mom never replied. She always replies. How can I recover from this? Is there any way for me to turn it into the punch line of a joke as if I failed to send her the rest?
**Edit**: image source [Dirty Text]( http://imgur.com/7qJzjLq)
What was funny though is how my SO came home and followed along with my dirty fantasy as if she received my text. I wondered why she never replied.
hellobrooklyn25: Yeesh, doesn't look like there's a way out of this one. Best to try and move on, or explain what happened.
LloydChristmas33: I've never screwed up texting like that before. I used to be the person that always said "it's not that hard, just pay attention to who you text dumbass." Now I'm the dumbass
| 3 | 5 | |
1403666996 | 1403748850 | t3_290zh5 | t5_2to41 | 482 | KoreanJesusPleasures: TIFU by offering an upset girl Sunny D...
I just got back from a spontaneous road trip from Southern Ontario to Indiana/Chicago/Cincinnati. A friend (18, female) that I had sort of befriended over first year university called me on a Tuesday, asking me if I wanted to go with her from Wednesday to Monday on this trip, as one of her friends backed out.
Me, who just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years, and who is really attracted to this friend since I had met her, swiftly accepted the offer and went on the trip.
Fast forward through the incredible trip, and we are driving home. We just crossed the border, and are now driving in familiar Canadian land. However, we are greeted by the police for a speeding ticket (clocked at 133 km/h). My friend told the officer we had been driving all day in America and were used to the slightly higher speed limit over there. Being Canadian, the officer lowered what the ticket would have been ($240, 4 demerit points) to a mere $40 and with no demerit points. Lovely, I thought.
Not actually lovely. Friend is still stressing out -- nearly as much as someone would if their parents had been murdered. So I decided to try and lighten the situation by talking the issue down, saying her parents would be forgiving since she has a clean driving record. Then, stupidly, I had a brilliant idea: make a random gesture by offering some of the Sunny D drink I had been sipping on... maybe that will throw her off and lessen her stress.
Fuck no. She assumed her ultimate fucking form, making it clear how much of an inconsiderate ass I was for not taking it serious. So she decides to kick me out of the car with my two bags of luggage, about 6 hours (driving) away from home.
tl;dr: offered an upset girl my D, gained incredible calf muscles.
Edit: I walked for about an hour until I reached a Tim Hortons and could charge my cell phone to call for a ride.
hesmir: Dodged a bullet dude.
KoreanJesusPleasures: Apparently.
If she does apologize, though... I **will** go back to hit that.
1The_Mighty_Thor: You literally should hit her. For kicking you out and leaving you?
KoreanJesusPleasures: I'm not even mad about it, which is weird. I just want an apology and possible a sexual favour.
rotarded: you need to grow some balls and not be so desperate.
KoreanJesusPleasures: I can assure you it's not out of desperation. It's like trying to find a unicorn, I just have to get it now to say I did.
rotarded: Insecure too huh
KoreanJesusPleasures: If you say so.
| 9 | 53.555556 | |
1403669185 | 1403759795 | t3_2912ih | t5_2to41 | 12 | Thisguythough: TIFU by sleeping with my sister's best friend (NSFW)
Sorry guys, prepare for a long story.
I've known my sister's friend for some time, let's call her Bella. We'd talk a lot and have gotten to know each other quite well. I live very far from both my sister and her friend, but I'm visiting for about a month. Bella has a boyfriend, but they have been on the rocks and also live far apart.
Things got complicated when she asked for an innocent backrub that turned into some not so innocent rubbing. Neither of us had been touched in quite a while and it just sorta happened. Bella is far from promiscuous and felt completely terrible about it, but me being a horny teen like I am was very persistent, managed to convince her to sleep with me the past three nights.
I told myself I was going to be able to keep a lid on it, I knew things wouldn't work with me so far away and headed into the marines soon, but I've always been a bit of a bleeding heart and now I'm far too emotionally invested. She told me it's over, and it's crushing me. The worst part is I brought this on myself. Living my own hell now.
Also, my sister is way not okay with this and has no idea.
**TL;DR: I'm a fucking idiot read the damn text if you want to know why**
On a side note, Bella really is a great person, I feel worse for making her feel like a slut by cheating on her boyfriend. But she's the type of girl who'd mail you cookies just because she thinks you might be upset about something.
If anyone has questions I'll answer, I just needed to talk about this
Edit: That was a lot shorter than I thought it was going to be, left a lot out
MrsVictorHugo: If she cheated..... there might be a chance for you guys. The thing is her conscience is not letting her be. Don't be intense, but keep her near if she makes you feel better. Try to go on with life, but keep her in the back of your mind. Only time will tell. Who knows? What if in a few years you guys end up together? If it is meant to be.... only time will tell.
Thisguythough: That was sorta the mentality that led to me fucking this shit up
MrsVictorHugo: Is it really fucked up for good? Calm down. If you really care don't let her go.
I've been there, and trust me.... sometimes distance hurts more.
I do hope it works out. :)
Thisguythough: Thanks, for some reason hearing words of encouragement means more from internet strangers. I could really use a hug right about now though.
MrsVictorHugo: Your comment made me chuckle. I gladly send a hug to you. That is the best I can manage. haha
Thisguythough: So I figured I'd give a random update. Turns out her boyfriend is fanatical about throwing over the government, and that's why he's been distant and blowing her off. We've known him for a long time and I way didn't see that coming.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1403669645 | 1403725032 | t3_291345 | t5_2to41 | 13 | RedHair-DontFuck: Tifu, my getting on omegle.
I fucked today while getting on omegle with a few friends. Not doing any weird shit like stripping, but just messing with all the guys with random erections.
Well In the process I recognize one guy immediately.
I said his name, he responded. And all the flashbacks of the rape and abuse he caused me flooded back to me all at once.
I have not thought about this man in years. He was so gross and had gained lots of weight, but some how I was able to recognize his voice and mannerisms almost instantly.
I won't sleep well tonight.
Tifu by seeing the man I feared for years through a sleazy website where you talk to strangers.
mythrowawayresponse: details missing:
1. so how long did you guys talk for?
2. what did he say?
3. did he remember you?
RedHair-DontFuck: Not, didn't remember me.
Only talked for about 2mins.
rogerbelanger: So it was a guy who appeared to be him. The world is huge, we all have a twin
RedHair-DontFuck: Nope it was him. He conformed it when I said his name. First and last.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1403670547 | 1403710715 | t3_2914cj | t5_2to41 | 13 | aquawhale: TIFU on vacation
I was in kelowna on vacation with my family and over dinner one night we had decided to go to the movies after we had finished our meal. I forgot to bring my glasses to the restaurant and didn't quite feel like two hours of blurry spiderman so we decided to swing by the hotel so I could grab my glasses. As we were already running late my mom decided that she would leave the car running as I quickly ran up to our room so I hopped out of the red Chrysler 200 we were renting at the corner of the parking lot and ran up to the room grabbed my glasses and ran back down. The Chrysler was then idling right outside the hotel lobby and assuming my mom had driven it up to the front to meet me I hopped in and put on my seat belt. Unfortunately I had assumed wrong and as I was fumbling with my seat belt my eyes met the horrified gaze of a frail 80-90 year old woman. The blood immediately drained from my face as I slowly came to realize this was not in fact the passenger seat of
my mom's rental car. The woman who must have figured out what was going on by my facial expression casually asked me "wrong car?" to which I responded with a flurry of "sorry"s which in my stunned state was the only word I could manage. I slowly backed away from the car and found my mom's car parked in the exact same spot where it was when I got out TL:DR I got into someone else's car
spychalla: Ugh. I won't be able to sleep tonight after reading that. The horror ... the horror ...
aquawhale: I'm just glad she didn't have any mace/pepper spray. I got off easy
Silverlight42: She did too.
Using mace/pepper spray from anything closer than 5' away, you're gonna get that shit all on you too. Not to mention an enclosed space... and likely need to hire professionals to clean the inside of the car afterwards... heck you might not even be able to drive the car at all with it sprayed everywhere inside.
aquawhale: Wow I didn't know it was such a pain in the ass but if she panicked and had it within arms reach there's no telling what could happen
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1403668134 | 1403691805 | t3_29111u | t5_2to41 | 23 | InterimFatGuy: TIFU by eating a baguette
So I got hungry late tonight and decided to look for some food. I was too lazy to actually cook something so I got a piece of baguette out of the fridge. So I was eating it and a crack in the hard crust opens. I continue eating it and the crack opens its gaping maw which closed on my bottom lip. I had a "Do I take it off or do I leave it on moment" at that moment and tore the baguette off, ripping part of my lip skin asunder. God damn.
TL;DR: I got owned by a hard-crusted loaf of bread.
coolcoolwater: Sorry, kind of off topic: Should baguette be stored in the fridge? Have I been doing it wrong all these years?
jimmyloo78: As a frenchman, I have never seen a Baguette in a fridge...
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1403671369 | 1403748008 | t3_2915g1 | t5_2to41 | 37 | Catawamoctopus: TIFU by masturbating while shitfaced
As is customary with this sub, this happened about 2 years ago, when I was just past the age of 21. Living in a suite at college (basically a dorm, only we all shared the same living room/common area.)
Anyway, my roommate left to go watch a movie with the other 6 people who lived in the suite, so I, after having many, many drinks, decided to stroke one out. I mean, the roommate is going to be gone for an hour or two, right?
WRONG!
Not only was my roommate gone for a short while, But I had passed out for who-knows-how-long. But I awoke to my roommate poking my anus-area with a broom. He was trying to conceal my own exposed asshole with my sheet using a broom handle.
Essentially, I passed out while jacking off, and woke up to my roommate trying to cover me up! My door was not closed and locked, but was left ajar. To this day, I have no idea who saw me laying, passed out, with my ass and balls exposed.
Silverlight42: okay... yeaaah... your roomate's behaviour seems kinda off. What was your reaction to his prodding anyway? That's not cool.
You find a naked roomate passed out... you just leave that shit alone, either leave the room if that's an option or just go to sleep and never speak of it again. You don't poke his asshole with a broom.
i_go_to_uri: i mean i have some friends where id totally fuck with them and poke them with shit, not weird... just means you guys are totally cool with eachother. ive plowed a girl in my friends dorm room on the floor while he was plowing his girl on his bed; we highfived mid synced doggystyle
IFearNoPotato: No you didn't.
i_go_to_uri: You must not have gone to college
IFearNoPotato: Nah, the high-fiving part seems like it comes straight out of some douchey frat bro movie or something. It seems to cliche to be real.
i_go_to_uri: eh oh well then
| 7 | 5.285714 | |
1403669744 | 1403823402 | t3_29138w | t5_2to41 | 25 | LunchablesTX: TIFU: Peeing in my backyard (NSFW)
I got up to go to the bathroom because I had to pee REALLY REALLY badly, but one of my brothers friends was taking a shit and I couldn't wait. The 2nd bathroom was in my parents room and they were asleep so I couldn't go wake them up, and the bathroom downstairs was ripped out because we're changing the flooring and we had to move it. I couldn't hold it in so I ran out into my backyard at 11 pm and let loose across my lawn. I didn't notice it at the time but my neighbors were out in their backyard doing something and the sound of my piss hitting the ground caught their attention. ALL of them looked over the fence and saw me with my underwear down and my dick hanging. No one said a word, I just ran inside and locked the front and back door.
tl;dr I pissed in my back yard and the neighbors saw my dick
katanastrife: #lunchableslife
LunchablesTX: ... Fuck, just realized smash players can find this.
katanastrife: Now there's something to see on stream tonight. lol jk
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1403672820 | 1403675741 | t3_29177s | t5_2to41 | 13 | patrikas2: TIFU by showing everybody my open fly.
I was biking home this morning at around 5am after an all night bike ride and decided to take the lake shore trail. Along the way I stopped to take a whizz, and of course managed to forget to zip up.
So there I was, shirtless, fly open, and soaking wet riding in the rain.
Surprisingly, I began to see people running on the trail in the terrible weather, so I think to myself, "Oh these people could use some motivation, I'll smile and give a thumbs up to everyone I pass". I got some smiles, some weird looks, some didn't bat an eye.
Now to those that never rode a bike unzipped, it opens up like one of those [paper fortune teller](http://images.melissaesplin.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/isly-fortune-teller-2.jpg) things girls played with in elementary school.
I don't wear underwear.
spamneggs: Maybe they liked it?
patrikas2: Hopefully, because shirtless me is always riding through there
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403675784 | 1403718871 | t3_291ajb | t5_2to41 | 186 | gocards321: TIFU Interacting with a cute girl
It started out innocent enough, just accepting a friend request from a cute girl on Facebook. She messaged me and we started talking, eventually she asked if I wanted to see her naked and what guy is going to say no to that? So I added her on Skype, we Skyped and both showed ourselves to each other. Later I get a message from her showing that she recorded the call and was going to send it to all my friends and family if I don't send money. I haven't done anything yet and still have no idea how to deal with this. Any and all help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR I am being blackmailed for money through a Facebook bot
Edit: Thanks for the advice. I'm not going to give them any money and I guess we will find out if they go through with sending the video tomorrow.
UPDATE: It has been about 24 hours and nothing has happened yet. I deleted my Facebook account, reported the other first though. It appears that this will probably work out for me.
Alpine84: This is a new scam that does a great job exploring our biggest fears. Don't give them money - they won't do it. What's in it for them to actually follow through?
gocards321: I'd like to think they won't follow through, but if they did it could turn into quite an embarrassing encounter
dr3lunts: If she really does send it out, just own it! We are all sexual creatures so don't be ashamed. How much money did she ask for?
gocards321: Originally asked for $1000 but was going to settle for $100. Had to be wired through Western Union.
sparta_reddy: If you have an image of her do reverse image search on Google... best of luck
vvvayo: would be a random image off Google for sure
Sivalion: Surely not if they went on cam via skype? wouldn't that have been blatantly obvious?
vvvayo: Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between a profile picture which could have been taken a while ago with longer/shorter hair, different amounts of makeup, different lighting, and someone on live video. And if anything, they could use a picture of the same cam girl used in the pre recorded Skype video. This isn't a person specific attack. It's a quick in and out scam that targets quite a few people. Their personal details aren't a reverse image search away, unfortunately.
Sivalion: I hadn't thought about the cam girl pre-recorded video. I have no idea how good you can make these pre-recorded videos, but isn't it still somewhat easy to detect whether she's interacting with you or not? I haven't seen these videos so I have no idea.
vvvayo: I haven't seen one of these scam videos either, but interaction could even be at a minimal. She could just be doing her business and moaning looking at the screen, while you do yours. Maybe some dirty talk that's not very specific, 'mmm rub your dick for me'. Cam sex can go a lot of ways from her turning it off and saying she wants to watch you for a bit, to minimalistic interaction during it, to even no interaction and just doing her own thing while you watch and do your thing. She promised cam sex, not good interactive back and forth professional online sexing. You have no reason to assume she's good.
Sivalion: Good points!
I was more talking about small-talks; "hi's", "how are you's" and so on, but I guess that's not even needed.
| 12 | 15.5 | |
1403677012 | 1403702969 | t3_291bwx | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be nice
This takes place over the last 3 years.
So I work for a large unionized company with incredible benefits. My family had just bought a house in a new neighborhood (subdivision), and at work our union's contract is up for renegotiations soon (RAISES!). Things are looking up.
My new neighborhood has a facebook page/group for homeowners! Cool, I'll just put a little paragraph on here, telling people about this awesome part time job with excellent benefits. I'm really shy, so maybe it'll be an icebreaker. I'll need to get them hired in there before the seasonal Christmas hiring starts (if you are hired as seasonal, your benefits don't become effective for 18 more months AFTER you work Christmas). Oh, and I need to do this before contract negotiations are up, also, so my new neighbors can get the higher pay raises too.
Hmmm...I just discovered I need to change shifts as well? (Family issues) Ok, well now I REALLY don't know anyone on my new shift OR new neighborhood (yay for new friends!).
2 years go by, and because of various reasons, I still haven't met many people at all (plus, I get panic attacks around groups of people, too shy to even say hello to most individually).
Long story shortened, apparently there are quite a few that took advantage of the job opportunity. I still have no clue who most of them are. They have a facebook group & page, dedicated to my stupidity and obliviousness, where they gossip about me. I quit counting after I identified 20 of my neighbors.
I feel like such an idiot
TL;DR told new neighborhood about awesome job opportunity, not social enough to notice when half of them are working with me...for TWO YEARS
Morfolk: Let me get this straight:
* You help people get some great jobs.
* You help your company find some workers.
>They have a friggin facebook page, dedicated to my stupidity and obliviousness.
* What does this even mean? What exactly are we talking about here?
* You still somehow feel bad?
[deleted]: This entire community has come together over...me. Apparently someone got their feelings hurt because I hadn't been friendly enough, I guess. There is now a facebook group & page that these grown ass men & women use to gossip about...me.
Morfolk: Damn, you are quite popular for 'not social enough' ;)
But now I see why you are upset.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1403680890 | 1403682655 | t3_291fqg | t5_2to41 | 12 | Throwawaycausedumbb: TIFU by sexting over snapchat
OK to start this out, I was snapchating this girl, shes probably a 5/10. You know how it goes, I didn't actually like her, We were just sexting back and forth. Were both of course over 18. This has been going on for like a year and a half. But tonight the usual was going on. But this time for some reason I was like why don't we do this in person. Loah and behold shes like, OK im already out, meet me somewhere. I ask her if she is alone she says yes. So I drag myself out of the house, nervous as frig because I usually don't do stupid shit. And seeing how she isn't really the most attractive person, all this was going on due to me being very horny.. I pull into the place where im supposed to meet her and there is only one car there, im thinking sweet this is getting ready to go down. I pull up beside her car to let her get in. I look over into the passenger seat and there is someone setting in it. I poop my pants, my brain takes over, I speed off quicker than shit. Now im worried to death because I really didn't want anyone to know I was doing this and I don't have a fucking clue who the passenger was, now im pretty fucking worried..
chamaco122702: Jesus... Are you still there? If I were you I would just book it and gtfo.
Throwawaycausedumbb: Am still alive very much so, still pooping my pants.
chamaco122702: I would recommend going to a toilet first. But in all seriousness, glad to know that you are still alive. Did you find out who it was?
Throwawaycausedumbb: Indeed, It turns out it was one of her friends, whom happens to be one of my ex's from back in high school. This raises more questions than answers, I'm more worried because I didn't want this to be known about. I'm not trying to be a dick, but the chick I was meeting wasn't a girl I would like to be seen out in public with. Now there is at least one witness whom can say I was there lol.
chamaco122702: At least they didn't try to kill you. :) glad to hear that you are doing okay, op.
Throwawaycausedumbb: Well I drove away, fast enough so that they couldn't follow me. I live in a smaller town, so gossip travels fast. Hopefully this can just go away, deleted my snapchat, and im just gonna deny it ever happened.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1403675648 | 1403749610 | t3_291aec | t5_2to41 | 6 | tbhbbidgaf: TIFU by getting a medical exam.
As you all may know, it is a job requirement to get a medical exam. This happened more than a year ago but it still makes people laugh.
I went to the clinic early in the morning to get several tests here and there, waited in line outside different doctors' clinics to get everything done. I wasn't exactly aware what I was into and a nurse was assisting me to the different procedures and it's going great so far. Checking a box everytime something is done. Only a few more left and I'm done! Here we go to the next.
I entered the doctor's office and there was a female doctor inside waiting for me. I gave her the papers and she filled them out, yadda yadda. After the usual questions, she made me lie down on the bed and made me take off my underwear and told me to lie sideways. "There's only a bit of discomfort", she told me. I thought *psh I bet it aint nothing*. Then I just felt a finger go up my ass and all I could do was curse out loud, wide eyes. She felt inside me then pulled out and I still couldn't believe it. **I got analed without my consent** to check for hemorrhoids and to hell with it, I'm vanilla during sex and never tried anal so that really was painful for me.
I spent the whole day having difficulty to walk and ever since, it has been a laughing stock among me and my friends.
TL;DR got a medical exam and got an anal
Jaybo21: Where do you work?!
tbhbbidgaf: I work for a multi-national company and it's mandatory for everyone to get a medical exam.
| 3 | 2 | |
1403686471 | 1403783366 | t3_291kei | t5_2to41 | 1,091 | incogneatus: TIFU by telling my crush what my cum smells like. [NSFW]
Here we go.
This girl and I have known for about a year now started working out together for a few months, and we've became close friends. So we're at the gym, we work out, then we go to the hot tub and I invite her to dinner and we go dutch. Fast forward to me driving her back to her car while my bathing suit has been sitting sopping wet (I forgot my gym bag and didn't think drying it mattered that day) in my car with the smell of what I think is chlorine/hot tub. Up until this day I had always noticed that my cum totally smells exactly like my bathing suit when it's not properly dried and for whatever reason really disgusts me. That musty sweat smell. Anyhoo my only logical expression to the overwhelming stench in my car: "Ew this freaking smells like cum" "What really?" "Yeah... Well not that I know what cum smells like... I mean other than my own" "Alright then" Holy shit the the cringe. I'm lying in bed awake thinking about how I should never talk to anyone again. I don't know if I was just really out of it from the workout or I'm just an asshole.
TLDR: My cum smells like a wet bathing suit.
EDIT: Thanks for the responses. To add, we're both in our 20's and she doesn't hold it against me, it was not even an issue, we talked for about an hour after that about politics and stuff. Didn't phase her at all!
SpinningNipples: Gotta hate those tiny moments of cringe that stick with you for the rest of your life.
I-Hate_Reddit: Seeking physiological cure for this. Come back for me if anyone finds out how to live with social mistakes without wanting to kill yourself 9x over. Or when you remind yourself of something embarrassing and you get the "light my own face on fire" feeling.
RugbyAndBeer: I still think about a time I *thought* about taking a paperclip I thought was abandoned at a table, but then someone reached for it and clipped the stack of papers it clearly belonged to. I think about that and I didn't even do anything. That was 2003.
HowObvious: I had a girl I really really liked ask me, do you want to kiss me. For some fucking reason my brain went its a trap and before I knew it I had said, nah im alright. This was almost 10 years ago, still keeps me up at night.
RugbyAndBeer: At prom, I was dancing with a girl. She had a boyfriend there. She said, "You want to kiss me, don't you." I said I did. A few minutes later a button popped off my jacked. She took me out to her car and sewed it back on for me. Put the jacket on me, ran her hands up my neck and through my hair. I thanked her and went back inside for a Shirley Temple. I totally had been crushing on her for like two years, too. She's married now. Last time I saw her she was dating her now husband. She was all, "Remember prom? What the fuck, dude? I was going to fuck you in my back seat."
ztmj96: Well you said she had a boyfriend there, so you did the morally right thing.
RugbyAndBeer: He was an ass. They broke up literally the next day. Clearly they weren't getting along at prom.
ztmj96: In that case,
Dude.
Well she should have been straightforward anyway. Too late to say now.
| 9 | 121.222222 | |
1403686132 | 1403811495 | t3_291k3o | t5_2to41 | 31 | wiseraccoon: TIFU by going to the gym right before class.
I'm an avid gym-goer, weight-lifter, etc. I usually go at night but had a staff meeting for the bar I work at scheduled in the evening today (Tuesday). So, I had no choice but to go to the gym before class.
Also, I listen to heavy metal music while working out because it gets me motivated and I get a better work out in. I also was once somewhat emo as a young teen.
So, after an intense workout I just stuff my phone into my pocket without thinking of turning the music off and full on sprint towards class across campus (summer classes). It's a tough class and starts at 4:00 pm sharp, and I'd finished working out at around 3:50. Also, there's a really cute girl I talked to several times in that class and I was hoping to grab a spot next to her. In the end I managed to get there on time, panting, sweaty as all hell and hair in a frenzy, and sat next to the cute girl.
I immediately realize I probably shouldn't have sat next to her today considering the state I was in, but that would be the least of my concerns.
30 minutes into the class, I feel my phone vibrate cos I received a text. So I try take it out of my pocket as discreetly as possible to check it, ensuring not to make any noise since my classmates are listening to the professor so intensely. While doing this, my earphones come out and my phone (which usually pauses the music) fucking freezes on me and starts blasting the [heaviest of metals] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeetS4vERoo) , interrupting the professor and causing everyone to stare at me. I'm frantically trying to turn my fucking phone off while exclaiming "uh.. uh.. it's an alarm" and resort to trying to stuff it in my bag when all else fails.
By the time my phone unfreezes I manage to pause the song after 0:49 seconds of what felt like an eternity and look up to see the entire class looking at me. Most are laughing, but the cute girl is looking at me like I'm some sort of deranged gorilla.
She moved seat to the row infront of me during the break (it's a 3 hour lecture). Right in the feels.
Mikado1: A similar thing happened to me in class, i pressed play by mistake in the widget and phone freezed,except it wasn't heavy metal it was sort of a japanese lullababy song(macross frontier, really chill).That was awkward,everyone was staring at me i quicky opened the case and took out the battery ...
a_throwaway_a_day_: Aimo aimo?
Mikado1: Yes, i'm also like op, quite big and i lift, let's just say no one expected that song in my playlist...
| 4 | 7.75 |
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