start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1403688048 | 1403690923 | t3_291lnj | t5_2to41 | 11 | BrewShack: TIFU by crop dusting the chiro
A month ago or so I had severe back pain and decided to go to a chiropractor. She's mid forties, small, blonde, really cute. I grew up in West Texas and in a way she reminded me of the country girls I grew up around/dating. Anyway, I've been set up on weekly appointments. A couple days ago I went in for an adjustment (where the chiro turns you in weird positions and pops your neck/back/etc.). I had a few beers the night before and was a bit gassy at this point, but nothing I couldn't handle. As she turned me sideways and bent close to my ass and pulled on my arm, I proceeded to emit digestive gasses from my anus. It was quick and loud, as she was jerking on my arm and pushing my back forward. I tried to stammer "sorry" but it was too late, she got a mouth full.
I'm still considering whether the back pain is more painful than seeing her again. Cutting cheese should be left for high end shops and dinner parties.
laughs-for-you: Hahahaha.
BrewShack: Thought I made someone laugh > read username > cried.
laughs-for-you: You did ;)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1403693315 | 1403697821 | t3_291pvc | t5_2to41 | 10 | onepennytoomany: TIFU by ruining a perfectly good friendship.
So uhh, Yeah I fucked up pretty bad, Well not just me, The other person involved helped... Quite a bit.
It all starts one night when we were both on Facebook, We get to chatting and she gets a bit flirty, a few hours later it's a full blown sext session over private message and pics are flying back and forth, One of the best convos I've ever had through social media.
So cut to a few days later, we are talking again and I decide to be cheeky and try and start this sext session up again by sending a flirty message...
She didn't like that.
So she is now ignoring me and the few messages I have sent her are getting "Seenzoned"
What do?
___________________
EDIT:
She's talking now and we sorted it all out, No more awkwardness.
Plus sex is still on the table ;)
steezyvape: If you're interested in her, snapchat her and be like "hey I don't want you to get the wrong idea, lets meetup for coffee and get to know each other better" so she knows you want more then just hot pics.
Either shes down and you're cool, or she isn't and you know to move on, game over.
onepennytoomany: I sent her this message:
>Okay, Uhhh, I gotta say something here, you don't need to reply but meh.
>I have a feeling I created some awkwardness the other night after what happened, I don't want to fuck anything up, Especially us being mates.
>It might come off as a bit desperate when I message you often, But I do like talking to you so forgive me aha.
>Ummm, Yeah, that's about it, I don't want it to seem like I only want sex from you, You are a really good mate and I don't wanna fuck that up.
>/awkward message
Better or worse?
steezyvape: Flip of a coin bro. When did you send that and did you get any response?
onepennytoomany: I sent it about a half hour ago, No response yet, I'll wait until morning and see if I get one... :/
steezyvape: Yeah def wait on it. You don't want to spam her. If you don't hear anything in 3 days you can send one more saying something like "you know how I feel, you know where to reach me." But past that id write her off. You win some you lose some. =|
onepennytoomany: I feel so shitty though, Ah well, We'll see.
steezyvape: It happens dude. Especially when you're younger. Just take it in stride and learn from the experience. I know how it feels though, but it will pass.
onepennytoomany: Thanks man, Will update if I get a response.
steezyvape: Word, fingers crossed for ya.
onepennytoomany: :)
| 11 | 0.909091 | |
1403687527 | 1403700704 | t3_291l98 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk and breaking my grandmother's hip
So I'm pretty lost for words right now. I wish I could give you an awesome story on how this happened, however I can't. All I remember is going out with the guys and having drinks. We had a few shots. Next thing I remember my wife is slapping the ever living fuck out of me. I wake up laying sideways on the bed with my grandmother under me. ( my grandad died so she lives with us) turns out in my drunken stupor I come home destroy the fridge and go to bed. Just so happen the bed I got in was my grandmother's. And when I say I got in I mean do the five star frog splash across her body. I ended fracturing her hip and now she might have to have surgery. I feel absolutely like a jackass. I'm sure one day it'll make a great story but right now I'm sure my family hates me.
Edit some spelling. Was kinda drunk last night as you can tell.
dickjanie:
>five star frog splash across her body
Thank you for that, i laughed so hard that my petty officer looked at me an shook his head
[deleted]: Channeling my inner Jeff Hardy
| 3 | 5 | |
1403532884 | 1403698814 | t3_28vfz0 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Zangdor: TIFU by driving an old pickup at a party
A few days ago actually, a friend and I went to a birthday party organized by the sister of the common friend we have who had his BD. After the second or third beer we drank(so we were still aware of what we were doing), with my said before friend, we went in the backyard to explore a bit the place. There we ran into an old Mercedes Benz pickup truck and we decided to try and take a ride into it.
Some other people were in the backyard too and watched us do, so first of all one of the vehicle's window was open and my friend managed to open the door by the inside handle and we got inside, I opened the other door and one of the guys who were there came with us inside.
From there as there was no key to be found we first tried to push a bit all the buttons on the panel, of course nothing worked so I searched in the glove compartment to see if I could find anything that could work as a key and there were some nails I took one and handed it to my friend who was in front of the steering wheel. He used the head of the nail to turn the ignition key lock and turn on the lights on the panel. We tried again to pull the different levers, push the buttons, etc. and still nothing.
At that point I got the idea to put the nail completely into the lock so it might create some missing contact for the engine to start, and it worked !! We went on a ride he drove (the three of us who were inside) just about 200 meters away and we came back, as I drove, passing in front of everyone in the front of the hall where the party was given and we parked a bit further where we had our cars.
Going back to the party drinking a bit and maybe half an hour later we were back to the pickup with 4 other people (one might be the one who were with us the first time I didn't know him so I can't tell) that time we were 6 and I first drove the pickup with 4 people in the cabin and 2 on the deck, again we went just about 200 meters away in the other direction though and I did let drive my friend for the come back as I went on the deck 'cause we were nip and tuck inside the cabin and again he parked it with our cars heading to the party. He said me he took all the nails and other stuff he could find that could start up the pickup before he left to avoid anyone to come and take the truck when drunk or anything. I think it was about 8.30 pm.
Until there everything was going okay and the owner even told us that if there was just that he wouldn't have mind.
But here is the following... at around 1:00 am my friend and I decided we would take the pickup back to its place so the owner wouldn't know, just like nothing happened with that truck. But as we arrived to the place we parked it... nothing, at 1:00 am, a bit away from the party there were no lights so we didn't notice immediately but soon we saw some weird huge shadow in the canal beside the road, I took my phone to enlighten that shadow and no need to say it was the pickup head first a half of the cabin in the canal, laying on the side... nothing that we could handle just by ourselves.
So we went to tell the organizer what we had just found and together we decided that we'll call police or owners at the morning. A bit later my friend and his gf went back home. We finished the party like nothing has happened and I went to sleep in my car and when I woke up the cops were already there as well as the owners of the hall and truck. I don't know who called who but some guys did say to the cops that my friend and I had driven the vehicle so my friend was called, everybody was interrogated and we told to the police what I just told you.
By the testimony of everyone, specifically one guy(let's call him Chip) who arrived at the party around 11:00 pm, we found out who put the pickup in the canal, some guy at the party who is 15 years old(he will be Derp) were to welcome the new comer and asking him if he wanted to make a huge entrance at the party... as Chip didn't get the point, Derp got in the truck and tried to start it up... at first he didn't succeed but in the end he somehow managed to do it and as it is an old bus without power steering and Derp is 15 y/o and probably doesn't know really well how to drive (in Switzerland driver licence can be passed only at age 18)... anyway he lost control of the vehicle, saw that it was heading right in the canal and he could jump out of the cabin just in time before the fall, he told Chip not to say anything, what he did until the day after, since the cops were involved.
In the end my friend and I will ofc get sanctioned 'cause we stole a pickup and Derp will have to see with the minor's justice and will probably get some fine as a part of the canal's wall has broken and the vehicle is a bit damaged.
TL;DR : A friend of mine and I stole an old pickup at a party, and some other guy from the party, later, took it and accidentally put it in the canal right beside the hall.
Cel51: BIDE!
Zangdor: lol k
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403708085 | 1403745137 | t3_291ukj | t5_2to41 | 1,138 | AeroGold: http://cdn.inquisitr.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/passive-aggressive-file-tree.jpg
Semyonov: brb naming my folders this.
But seriously, I just keep everything in a folder called "expense reports.excel" and never had an issue!
Snannybobo: I keep everything in a folder called "Porn". Something bad is bound to happen.
Semyonov: Or maybe they'll think, "nah, no one can be *that* stupid..."
brettatron1: Its what I do... I'm not ashamed that I watch porn. Hell, its on my network so I can watch it on my TV too. Whenever I have friends/family over and we watch a movie or something they can clearly see a folder marked porn. Why should I be ashamed of that?
StopLickingMe: You Sir, have big balls
That_Deaf_Guy: But never blue balls so he's got that going for him.
StopLickingMe: am I missing something out? Blue balls?
That_Deaf_Guy: You know, when a girl turns you on, gets you all riled up then stops? Leaves you with blue balls.
StopLickingMe: I feel bad, because I don't know that feeling ;_; but I get the point
Semyonov: Either one, you don't know that feeling because you are the luckiest motherfucker alive, or two, you don't know it because you've never been turned on before.
I hope it's the former.
ThunderOrb: I only hurt if I have too much sex. Can't say I've ever hurt from not getting any sex. This is really a thing? (Yes, I'm a guy.)
Semyonov: Ah gotcha... yea this is really weird.
Pretty much every guy in existence knows what blue balls is...
ThunderOrb: I've heard of the term, but I never understood it on a relatable level, ya know? I just assumed it was something my friends said to try to make women feel sorry for them.
| 14 | 81.285714 | |
1403703721 | 1403717981 | t3_29216h | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU By Repaying My Family Debts
I had fucked up around the age of 14 by getting into the game of stealing stuff from my family, starting off by stealing cash from my sister's purse, and it quickly had escalated to Online Identity Theft from my family. By the time I was 16 (only a year ago), between my family where I live (Mother, Sister, Grandmother, two Brothers) I had taken around $1300 in total (Cash and Credit Cards). Due to my family caring, (even though I kept saying I regretted them and everything they did to cause this, which was only my own self-hated being taken out on someone else), they never had called the police and kept trust in me even though I kept betraying them. I finally got a job around my birthday (September) and I've saved every dollar in a safe ($4000-ish) and some in an account ($1000-ish), and I decided to order some computer parts earlier this morning (after asking reddit users on Build A PC earlier yesterday about parts), and I had upon clicking that "purchase" button, I was immediately self-reminded of my theft issues from ages 14-16.
So, I open my safe, grab every bill and try to remind myself how much I owed everybody. After dropping envelopes under the rest of my family's doors, I had $1300, $250 of that I owed my sister. My sister lives rather close to me, walking distance. So I texted her that I needed to have an urgent talk with her. She was getting married in about a month, so I figured I'll drop her the extra grand as a wedding gift after paying off what I had owed previously.
I walked over around 45 minutes ago, when I got the worst news I feel I could've ever gotten as a little brother. She opened the door, I handed her the first envelope with what I personally owed, and then a 2nd envelope with her wedding gift. She then tells me to wait a minute, walks away from her door, and comes back with an envelope labeled with my name on it. She hands me it, says go get some sleep (It's only around 7:45 AM where I am), and I walk home. I opened the envelope, it was a handwritten note from her saying that she and her Fiancee have made the guest-list, and that I was not to come near the wedding because she fears I would take it as an major opportunity to steal from all the guests, and that after her wedding I was not to come to her apartment anymore.
I feel like shit now and can't even fall asleep, just knowing that besides my Grandmother and Mother, the relative I cared for the most no longer even wants to see my face or have anything to do with me.
TLDR: I was a thief, and after a bit of saving up once I had gotten a job and started to pay people back what I had stolen, I get forcibly removed from a relative's life because I had fucked up multiple times since I was 14.
Syncharmony: Everyone's being really supportive and understanding but I'll just say it. Your sister sounds like a bitch. She can't forgive you for something stupid you did when you were 14? What the fuck, I'm sure she never made any mistakes as a teenager. Yeah, you fucked up and there are consequences but part of being a family is having some tolerance for the idiocy of those that share your last name and origins.
fuhtian: It's not like it's something that happened when he was a teenager, and he's 30 now. Then I would agree with you. This is when he was a teenager, AKA the very last three years of his life. Her mistrust is
not unjustified.
Syncharmony: This was all over what, $250? Mistrust yes, I wouldn't leave OP alone in a room that had a big bowl full of cash I suppose. However, banning him from your wedding because you are afraid he's going to go around stealing from people and then also telling him he's not welcome in your home again the minute after he pays you back? That goes beyond mistrust, that is straight up hatred if you ask me. Punishment doesn't fit the crime in my books.
SereneWisdom: While I wouldn't have gone to the extreme that the sister has, I can't say that I fault her too much for it. Is it too extreme? Yes. But considering that OP has not given sufficient time to prove to the sister that he's changed for good, I think that if she feels uncomfortable having him there, then that is all on her.
Not only that, she had no idea that OP was just going to wake up and decide to pay back what was stolen to begin with. I'd assume her letter was written to him prior to him even calling her up to tell her that they needed to talk.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1403703474 | 1403754135 | t3_2920ut | t5_2to41 | 787 | Gaius-JuliusCaesar: TIFU by trying to run across a road whilst a VIP convoy was passing.
So, short background; I work in Brussels so VIP convoys are pretty much an everyday thing. Regardless of how many times you see them you always stop and try and catch a glimpse of whoever it might be in the back of the black SUV. Police normally block traffic at intersections and block people from crossing the road as a standard security procedure and its pretty cool to be in the middle of everything as the convoy rolls by.
Last night (less than 24 hrs ago so get off my back!) I was SPRINTING out of my office to catch the Italy - Uruguay game (Italian fanatic here) and I was already late as it was 5 minutes to kick off but I was pretty close to the pub. In my head I was panicking that I wouldn't get good seats and I'd be forced to watch the game through the window outside or something. THIS WAS NOT HAPPENING!
So as I was sprinting to the pub I had to cross a road, a fairly narrow road so I didn't have to cross using a zebra crossing or anything. Just as I stepped off the pavement I noticed the point man of the convoy speeding down the road on a motorbike with his sirens blaring and blowing a whistle. Now, I thought since I know that there is always a tiny gap between the point man and the main convoy it was the perfect time to cross. BIG MISTAKE.
I miscalculated just how fast these convoys move so as I attempted to sprint across the road with my bag held in front of me in one arm, looking desperate and really determined to get where I was going, another mounted policeman literally TACKLED me out of no where. He held me in some awkward position but since his arms were occupied trying to prevent me from attacking the convoy (so he thought) he was furiously blowing his whistle in my face... In the confusion I started shouting "ITALIA! WORLD CUP! NO! NO!" I think he kind if understood that I was no threat after I said that (probably noticed I was a football fan late for a game) and so he kind of smirked at me and held me in this awkward hugging position till the convoy passed. It passed, he let go of me and sped off. I turned around to see if anyone just saw my fuck up and I realised the WHOLE street was staring at me, so, feeling slightly embarrassed, I arranged my shirt and jacket and I carried on my journey.
And Italy lost.
buttwheat: Yell "Ali Ackbar! Down with the infidels!" Next time to impress them with your knowledge of world events!
f_myeah: Allahu Akbar*
larholm: Italiahu Akbar
TravisL: Italian snackbar
Edit-thank you stranger for the gold!
kingeryck: No! No! Tiramisu!
bobshambob: Admiral Ackbar!
buttwheat: Tali Wackbar
| 8 | 98.375 | |
1403701930 | 1403714448 | t3_291yts | t5_2to41 | 255 | MarceloHarad: TIFU by slapping my friend's butt
This happened about 3 years ago, when I was 15. I'm a brazilian male, and in my first year of high school, we had a study trip to "Foz do Iguaçu" . On the second day there, we went on a boat ride near the falls, so everyone was wearing a raincoat, duo to the large amount of water falling. Me and my friends were pranking each other, when someone was distracted, we would pretend to throw them into the water or just slap them in the head. It all ended when our teacher started to complain about our attitude, but she=turned around, one of my friends that was wearing his own raincoat, a really cool black one, slapped me really hard in the head. I got extremelly mad, because I couldn't do anything about it.
After a few minutes waiting for my chance, I saw him crouched near the front of the boat.That was the moment I was waiting for. I got near him in silence and slapped his butt with my full power. He didn't move a bit. I looked to my right and saw him and some of my friends looking at me terrified, I frooze. I looked down again and the shyest girl in my grade turns her head around, embarrassed as hell. She had the same raincoat as my friend. Someone had just slapped her butt really hard.
I spent a few hours trying to apoligize for what i'd just done, but I even after 3 years, on our graduation, I was still afraid talking to her.
TL;DR: On a boat ride in "Foz do Iguaçu",I was trying to get a revenge on my friend by slapping his butt, but i accidently slapped the shyest girl of my grade.
JZ5U: But...what if she liked it??
(•⊙ω⊙•)
jk
Jimmyjelly: Wtf is that.
JZ5U: lol dunno
(~￣▽￣)~
Jimmyjelly: Now THAT looks like an owl doing a hula dance.
JZ5U: Heheh I see the resemblance
( ﾟヮﾟ)
mothers_butt_muncher: ((￣Д￣)ﾉ
| 7 | 36.428571 | |
1403704381 | 1403706465 | t3_29223k | t5_2to41 | 5 | jbhjk34: TIFU by declaring to my teacher that I am an atheist.
cbpiz: What the HELL is wrong with kids these days? Do you always have to make a damn statement? Just stand up out of respect for the other people and don't participate. That is your legal right. If THAT was the case, you'd have a point. Now you're just being a narcissistic brat looking for attention. When you go into a synagogue you wear a yamaka to cover your head whether you are jewish or not out of respect. You do the same in Catholic school. Tell Mommy that you don't want to attend Catholic school, save her a few bucks and get the hell off my lawn.
zebraldinalindabum: THIS!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403705181 | 1403715738 | t3_2923aj | t5_2to41 | 281 | kla425: TIFU by offering my wife culinary advice.
Newlywed here who has a wife that can flat out cook. Unfortunately last night she was making some food for some guests. Knowing how much I loved my mom's homemade mac and cheese she asked me to sample a batch of her homemade mac and cheese.......it wasnt very good. When she asked me how was it all I could say for some stupid reason was.......
"It's okay, I can get my mom to teach you how to make macaroni and cheese"
BobaFettuccine: Hahahaha, that's hilarious. I hope she accepted your gracious offer, though. People should know they're weaknesses. I would love for my boyfriend's mom to give me some cooking lessons!
kla425: My wife is actually the best cook I know.
BobaFettuccine: Ahh... I was wondering if you meant to say she "flat out can't cook", because I feel like 'flat out' is usually used with a negative. However, congrats on getting a wife that can cook! My poor boyfriend has to choose between frozen dinners, quesadillas, or baked chicken in foil :p
KriiLunAus: I will help you and your boyfriend out here. This is a simple dish that tastes amazing. You can add what you want to it like peas, or skip something you don't like. I use shallots, but regular onion will work too.
Bake some bacon.
Cook your favorite pasta noodles.
Sauté minced garlic, onion, zucchini, and grape tomatoes (tomatoes cut in half) together in olive oil. Use enough to coat the noodles later as well. Add the bacon that you cut up and the noodles. Stir it all together.
Cut up a fresh mozzarella ball and add that to the dish and keep mixing. Add some fresh cut up parsely and basil. Top with shredded parmesean cheese.
The dish will also work great with salmon or chicken if bacon isn't your thing.
This is quick and super easy to make.
Also sorry this is poor recipe format. I am in the middle of making 100 huge chocolate chip cookies for work. 0_o
BobaFettuccine: You. You are amazing. I can't wait to try this! I'll let you know how it goes!
KriiLunAus: Someone on Reddit posted a video the other day and said it was amazing. I made a few changes by adding stuff to the recipe to make it better. My boyfriend and daughter loved it. My neighbor came by saying he smelled such great things and grabbed a plate as well. Lol
| 7 | 40.142857 | |
1403705701 | 1403710726 | t3_2923zi | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by kissing a girl I just met
At a technology summer camp(incoming high school senior) at a state university. Got here Sunday, leave tomorrow. Met this girl, let's call her M. Really hit it off, hung out all day, talking and laughing. M and I video chatted that night for a few hours, at the end she said that she thought I was attractive and I said I thought she was too and we laughed and smiled, then went to bed after promising to eat breakfast in the morning as it was 2 am. That day went great too, talked, hung out, then after the day's activities we snuck off to talk alone, ended up holding hands, then I kissed her cheek, then actually kissing. I'm not the sort of person to kiss someone right after I meet them, I don't know what I was thinking. I asked her first, and she wanted to as well, and we were fine the rest of that night, talking and laughing and such. Then that night, after she went to her dorm, she got more and more distant, and the next day she avoided me entirely, saying she was too busy to have a conversation about it, while she was just talking with her friends across the room. She texted me that she thinks of me more as a brother, but she thinks we should hang around with other people, but she "guessed" we could still talk. By the end of the night she said she didn't even want to be friends anymore. She only lives 30 minutes away, and I really like her, and damn I wish I was thinking before I did anything stupid. God damn it. This has ruined the whole camp for me.
RKapellgo: if you didnt kiss her youd be in the friend zone wishing you had, pull up your shorts and get over it.
sybban: I feel like there is a shit load of details being left out in his story.
_Azweape_: Im thining he forgot to mention the 100s of texts he sent after the kiss.
"I am so glad we are getting along!"
"What a great kiss! What did you think?"
"Does your parents know about me?"
"What should I wear to the holiday dinner?"
"I think if we have a boy first, we should name him Azweape..."
Stormgeddon: Didn't, but thank you. We were hanging out with others for the rest of the night, then had a normal conversation in the evening over text before bed.
_Azweape_: While agree women are a crazy animal, your situation *really* seems to be missing details.
Stormgeddon: Yeah, sorry. This was more of a /r/offmychest than a TIFU. Just wanted to vent, really. There is a bit more, but I'm on mobile and didn't want to type it out. I didn't do anything super creepy or obsessive though, I promise. I've ran it through my head multiple times and have no idea what I did wrong. She was fine when we were together in the lounge, but started acting weird as soon as she got to her room. I think her roommate said something, potentially about the distance, or perhaps that we going too fast was just me using her, which I couldn't blame anyone or thinking. I'm sure she already had similar concerns and getting confirmation from someone else was enough for her to cut it off. I also don't have the texts anymore to say verbatim what happened; already deleted them all, along with her number. I won't see her ever again after tomorrow, so it's whatever.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1403706013 | 1403716370 | t3_2924gn | t5_2to41 | 12 | Shintsu2: TIFU By throwing away money
So on the dresser in my bedroom I've had a deck of Pokemon cards. I was a kid that got all into the Pokemon thing and had all kinds of stuff when it came out that my parents bought for me. They bought the Pokemon cards for me because it was Pokemon basically, but I didn't know anything about how to use them or play with them so I never used them. I found them again a few years ago and they ended up on my dresser.
Fast-forward to about a month ago. I'm going through and getting tired of my shit, leaving things laying around forever. So I'm 90% certain I just picked the deck of cards up, and pitched them in the trash. I'm also very certain those cards were probably 1st edition (with or without the mark? I dunno). Just stumbled upon a thing talking about their value, so that's what made me think "Oh boy, I'm glad I kept those all these years!" Run to the other room excitedly to go through them...and...where are they? Then remembered my cleaning phase about a month ago.
They may not have been worth anything, but I'll sure never know now. There's a chance they might still be somewhere, but I went through the places I would've put them. Can't imagine myself going to a lot of trouble to store them somewhere else. They had to have been from '99 or '00, I was still in grade school.
Not sure what I was thinking either. I've played MTG before (but not anymore) and at the time was well aware of how valuable some cards are. Makes this all the more painful that I just threw 'em away without even checking...For anyone who doesn't know, some of the cards sell for $30-40 a piece and the rare cards can be $300.
akiraokami: My parents did that 2ish years ago as well, when my sister moved out, they went through all our stuff an basically decided what was worth keeping and what wasn't. Without our input
Shintsu2: I actually feel worse knowing I was the idiot who threw them away. If my parents did, at least they had no idea. I should've known better, it's not like I don't know how to Google shit and look on eBay...
akiraokami: :(
| 4 | 3 | |
1403705181 | 1403789057 | t3_2923ai | t5_2to41 | 121 | Simmion: TIFU by shutting off the internet connection for my entire school district.
So, this was about 13 years ago (Oh dear, I'm getting old). I took a CISCO (CCNA) networking class at my High School. I was in the second year, and we were learning about switches and such. We had just gone over in class how Cisco switches had a web-interface that you could use to change settings, access admin functions and do just about anything without using a command line.
To preface, we had previously done tours of the network infrastructure in the high school and middle school buildings that were connected. We learned about all of the various closets that had all of the switches, routers and hubs that served the various areas in the building. There were also 2 other buildings located farther away, the Kindergarten-3rd grade building and another building for 4th and 5th grade.
Anyways, I was in the classroom early one day, and I was playing around on the web interface for the switch at the end of the hallway serving the classroom i was in, and a few other unoccupied classrooms. Or so I had assumed. I looked up the default gateway, which, If the network is setup properly, should be that switch. The switch had no password so I got right in and I was doing all sorts of fun stuff, turning ports on and off, I renamed the swtich to "Scott_Loves_Pat" who were the 2 network admins for the school (figuring the other kids in the class would get a kick out of it). and I restarted it also. I lost my connection to the network for a few minutes as expected. Then the switch came back online and all was well.
I ended up telling my teacher about it, figuring I had done nothing wrong, since no one else was in that corner of the building.
Fast foward to the end of the day. I get called down to the office, because I aparantly had "Hacked" the entire school network and brought it down. It turns out, that the network admins were as incompetent as we all thought they were, and all of the switches in the school were acting as really expensive hubs and weren't configured at all. The default gateway that i had accessed was the switch that was connected to the internet for the entire school district, located at the Intermediate center across town, When i restarted it, it shut off internet to the entire district for about 10 minutes.
I thought it was pretty funny, the administration did not. They were going to expel me, however many of the teachers that I had were on my side and got it reduced to a 10 day suspension, considering I legitimately had no idea that the network was setup so poorly.
From then on, everyone called me "Switch"
NoDiggityNoDoubt: That's definitely not your fuck-up. Those admins should have been immediately fired for blatantly lying to their superiors about them being configured, and secured.
I remember back in high school, I was accused of the same thing, but only on the school level.
With the network admin sitting there in the office trying to convince the principal to "call the feds" on me, I easily explained how he himself could do the same thing.
Luckily, the principal liked me, so he tried it, with the network admin begging and pleading for him to not do so. It was amusing when the principal asked him to calm down, and that if everything he had claimed was true, he had nothing to worry about.
He lost his job.
Simmion: Hah nice. It's true that It was mostly their fault. I mean, come on guys *at least* set a password on your switches. And given my level of knowledge at the time, there was no way I could have known that I was getting into the wrong switch.
I believe that the same 2 admins are still there though haha. They're probably cheap.
ThrottleMunky: Something like this hapenned to me as well. First programming class I took was visual basic, we are talking about the 'this is a variable' level of programming. Well when you are a noob coder you make many mistakes and in win98, ctrl-alt-del was the only way out of some 'infinite loops'. They had a network located security 'lock down' program that ran on all the computers(no C:, no ctrl-alt-del, lots of annoyances for a coder) and basically made life hell. I got mad about it one day and decided to prevent it from my computer so I could code in peace. Turns out I had edited the program server side with a bunch of garbage and down goes the entire school network. It comes up about 30 mins later after the techs reset everything and low and behold, the security program was gone from every PC in the school. Never saw that program again, also never told anyone about it so win-win!
darryshan: Did you make a GUI to track their IP?
Simmion: Lol, I get this! At least once a week I tell my boss "I'll make a gui interface in VB for it"
| 6 | 20.166667 | |
1403706170 | 1403712438 | t3_2924pe | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting cumin in my oatmeal instead of cinnamon.
It was one of the worst things I have ever tasted. Check the damn label people.
*Edit: These are the exact same containers I have http://imgur.com/a/fkrUd#0
itaniallumunnia: Ew you put cum in your oatmeal?
[deleted]: Yes. I somehow managed to transform it into a brown powdery substance and fill a container very similar to my cinnamon container with it. I then proceeded to completely forget about doing all of that and put it on my oatmeal. I couldn't possibly be talking about a very common household spice.
itaniallumunnia: You must be a wizard or something. All I have is this normal -boring- cum
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1403706227 | 1403770837 | t3_2924se | t5_2to41 | 83 | sexsomnia1: TIFU by having sex with my roommate [NSFW]
I have been wondering whether this is a good idea to put on Reddit, since the second main character of this story is also a Redditor, but hey, here we go...:
Little background; I, boy, have been living in this sweet apartment in the center of my town, sharing it with a girl, for 4 years now.
My roommate nice, not the prettiest (also no double bagger) but always friendly. I guess I'm a bit of a man-whore (aren't we all) but since I'm living with her and the fact that I'm not attracted to her has made it easy for me to refrain from ever doing anything with her.
She seemed to feel the same way because she never gave any real hints and beside some very superficial flirting...
We don't share any space except the kitchen and the bathroom, she has her own room and I have mine, there is no living room...
Fast forward to three nights ago.. I went to bed early, having to be up for a day of work.
No real drama so far you would say...
I drift off to sleep and below and behold, the Gods are on my side: I'm having one of those beautiful sexy dreams!!
However, next thing I know: I wake up, I'm in my roommates bedroom, standing next to her bed, undies around my ankles, my custard launcher at full glory pointing to the ceiling and my friendly but not so pretty roommate is looking up at me with big eyes...
This would already have been enough for me to call it a fuck up but it get's better: not only is she looking up at me, she is giving me a (granted: very good!) blowjob.
Since this is the first thing I wake up to (and also probably cause this is not a bad feeling at all) I don't really do anything but watch myself get blown and in a matter of seconds (might have been longer but that is all I remember) I come all over her face..
Now I know most of you men who slept with someone they weren't supposed to sleep with must know that feeling that you get after coming.. The feeling of wtf did I do know... I got that.. Basically before she could do anything but say: "I didn't expect that to happen" I get the fuck out of her room and run to my own bed...
I talked to her about it, shamefully explaining what I remember and how i do not know what the hell happened that night. She told me I came to her room, still wearing my undies and to her obviously horny as hell (given the erect status of my one-eyed anaconda). I didn't really say much but she thought that was part of the game and went with it.. Not only did she give me that BJ i was experiencing but I also did the rest of the deed with her, which I remember nothing of..
I looked this shit up and it turns out it is a thing: [sexsomnia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex)
sammymagz: TL;DR - OP read about sexsomnia, made up this story.
grackychan: Yup. classic /r/thathappened
breakingmad1: Yup standard reaction when a guy walks in your room, in the middle of the ni GHt, with a bonee, is to fuck him, despite having never had any sort of chemistry or hints over the last 4 years. Guess that's why he's a man whore, guys want to be him, girls want to be with him
Stiffed_: I agree with the bullshit theory, if said female redditor was to confirm I'll believe it.
sexsomnia1: I'll try to see how cool she is about it...
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1403702241 | 1403741242 | t3_291z7s | t5_2to41 | 771 | gasp_girl_programmer: TIFU by doing some laundry naked
This happened yesterday evening.
I came home from work and went for a bike ride. It had been brutally hot, so I decided I needed to grab a quick shower before I could cook dinner. I get out of my bike clothes and I'm about to jump in when I realize that was my last clean pair of bike shorts. I knew I would want to ride again later this week, so I decide to stop the shower and throw in a load of laundry so the shorts will have time to dry.
I grab the laundry and head over to the garage, which is attached to the main part of the house. I didn't think anything of it because the garage door was closed and I've done this hundreds of times before. By this time it was about 5:30 - the time when my husband usually gets home from work. But, I was a little spaced out from my bike ride and it never crossed my mind.
I was using the detergent and rubbing some of the bike clothes to get the stench out, when all of the sudden I heard the garage door start to open. Shit!
I dash across the garage to the door that goes back into the house, but no matter how hard I squeeze the doorknob, I can't get it to turn because my hands still have laundry detergent on them. Now I'm frantic because my garage door opens to about 3 other houses that can see right inside. The garage door is up past my knees and I know I won't make it inside. Double Shit.
I look around the garage for something to cover up with, but all I can see is a clothes rack with laundry hanging over it. I take off across the garage and hide behind it, kind of crouching down. But I can totally see through it, so I do my best to cover up my lady parts.
At this point, the garage door is completely open and I see my husband has stopped the car short of the garage and has his window down. Then, I see my next door neighbor coming across our lawn to talk to him "Hi gasp_girl_programmer's husband! I've been meaning to give this back to you." Apparently, he had borrowed a tool and was picking this *exact* moment to return it. Triple Shit.
I can feel the breeze tickling my all-too-exposed flesh and I can feel the sweat dripping down my legs as I attempt to keep this crouched position. I'm quivering because my legs are tired from cycling. My thoughts are racing. If my neighbor turns his head 30 degrees in my direction, he will see me. My only option is to hold this position and pray he doesn't see me. My nose starts to run. And then it happened. I sneezed. He turned to see what the noise was and saw me. There I am, peering at him from between hanging laundry with what has to be a strange look on my face. He says "Uhhhh I should get going" and hurriedly walks away.
At this point my husband sees me and comes over and asks me what I'm doing. I tell him "I'm naked, shut the garage door!!!!" He just stands there for a second and then asks "Why are you naked?" Me: "Just shut the fucking door - PLEASE!!!!!!"
He gets the garage door closed and I explained what happened. He starts laughing so hard he starts crying - no sympathy there since he has told me a hundred times that walking around the house naked will backfire someday. Yep - it backfired all right. Now, I can never show my face around our neighborhood again. Everyone is going to think I'm some kind of deranged pervert. I can't imagine what my neighbor thinks now... ಠ_ಠ
Edit: for shame, spelled my reddit username incorrectly.
I_Like_Nude_Girls: You are naked in your house, whats the big deal ? Sometimes you americans need to chill the fuck out :D
Fidget6: And you non-Americans need to realize that there are cultural differences in different places. Yes, we're aware there are parts of the world where nudity isn't as big of a deal, as people on the internet love to point out constantly, but in this part of the world it is. Even if someone isn't personally embarrassed by nudity, it's still a big deal in our culture.
[deleted]: I think you, personally, need to learn that while it's part of your culture, it's a bad part of your culture that you should change. It's part of the culture in Saudi Arabia for women to be subservient second-class citizens. So what, I'm supposed to respect that? When he writes 'you americans need to chill the fuck out' he's saying 'you should reform your culture'.
kcgdot: I don't really see anywhere in the comment where they said that it was a good thing.
It is what it is, and while I agree with you, it's a little ridiculous at times, it still doesn't change the fact that in the US, general nudity is not a widely accepted thing. Much like not drinking before 21, which is also stupid.
That being said, it's a little ridiculous to rail against this anonymous person who is only pointing out that in said country, it's not a typical thing to be wandering around nude.
I also think that MOST people, regardless of the accepted culture don't just go out in public nude, or typically spend most of their time at home nude, just because it's "acceptable."
And he didn't say, you should reform your culture, all he said was chill the fuck out, which personally, I don't think equate.
As for the comparison or the US's general prudish attitude to a widespread cultural oppression, is a little fucking off the mark, and more than a little excessive.
[deleted]: > As for the comparison or the US's general prudish attitude to a widespread cultural oppression, is a little fucking off the mark, and more than a little excessive.
How is it off the mark? They are both cultural features, they both oppress people. Just because the magnitude of the oppression doesn't really compare, doesn't mean that the comparison isn't useful. Do you realise that two things don't have to be exactly the same in every way for a comparison to be useful? And that comparing things isn't the same as stating 'these are equivalent'?
kcgdot: On what planet does a general prudish attitude toward nudity in any way shape or form oppress people? In what way, shape, or form is that even remotely close? The attitude about nudity isn't forced on Americans. Every person is free to choose what and how they feel about it, and if their belief is different, then more than likely they're not beaten, punished, starved, jailed, etc.
Are the attitudes a little conservative, yes, but even an indirect comparison to the treatment of women in Saudi Arabia is detrimental to the actual plight of women facing that kind of life, and hardship.
I'm fine generally with some artistic license, a little exaggeration, but for crying out loud.
[deleted]: I don't think you understand the meaning of the word 'oppression'.
kcgdot: Please explain to me how Americans are being oppressed because they don't run around nude, and as a general rule of thumb have a fairly conservative viewpoint on the matter?
[deleted]: All the ones who don't have a problem with nudity but have the prejudice against it foisted upon them by others. Look at the treatment of nursing mothers in public, as merely one of thousands of examples.
kcgdot: I think that argument now is closer to going both ways, many women have stood up against it, and have not suffered for it. It's also legal in almost every state(not virginia, unless it's on land or property owned by the state) to breastfeed in any public or private location, over half of the states exempt breastfeeding from public indecency laws, and half of all US states have laws allowing breastfeeding in the workplace.
Personally, I think likening a less than liberal attitude on nudity, to a legitimate plight of people in the middle east, again, is disingenuous at best, and downright harmful at worst.
I think a good litmus test for oppression should be what are the consequences for speaking or acting out against said oppressive practice, are there personal repercussions, legal ramifications, is your health and safety at risk? And while it's possible you could get into some hot water regarding public decency laws, I hardly feel like those qualify as oppression, strictly defined or not.
[deleted]: > Personally, I think likening a less than liberal attitude on nudity, to a legitimate plight of people in the middle east, again, is disingenuous at best, and downright harmful at worst.
Once again I run into another ill-educated person who thinks that comparing things is likening them. Just because they both share one feature, doesn't mean they share every feature. I don't understand how you people finish school without learning shit like this.
kcgdot: Wow, that's a little harsh isn't it?
How about a more simple statement.
You're comparison is BAD, and you should feel bad.
That's it, I don't care if it's technically correct, internet winner, you're comparison lacks. It's a BAD comparison, and the only other one you used to try and prove your point was also bad, so what's next? A morally conservative attitude on nudity in America does NOT compare to the practical enslavement of women in Saudi Arabia, so stop trying to make it happen.
| 13 | 59.307692 | |
1403708551 | 1403720567 | t3_2928k4 | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to take a friendship to the next level
This takes place over ~3 years but the most important thing happened a couple of days ago.
If you're looking for a story where I tried to copulate with a friend, you'll be disappointed.
I've been using tumblr since late 2010 before the influx of weirdo teenagers. About a year later I decide to do a tag search of my hometown to see if anybody else from here uses it, I get around 10 users and about 4 look bearable, so I follow them. One of these blogs is someone who looks like they have a personality and cares what they post rather than just mash out reblogs because they find it easier than to try. We start to talk and we seem to enjoy conversing, we talk a lot. At least once a week, about shitty TV shows or that presenter's new beard. Then we drop off slightly. We still talk occasionally but not with as much fervour as before.
Until five days ago. She posts an invite to a play she's acting in, I ask what time it starts, she tells me but the way she words it makes her seem reluctant. Then I ask her if it'd be weird if I went along, she gives me reasons not to come before saying that if I want to come, I should. I ask if I'm making her uncomfortable and that I'm sorry if I am, she doesn't respond
So there, a three year friendship has possibly ended because I decided I'd like to meet her in person.
[deleted]: Well, some people are dumb, insecure, etc. But to be honest, this is why you should not consider someone you haven't met in person a real friend, despite getting along with them over the keyboards.
toggle-Switch: I totally agree, the internet dynamic is very different from the paradigm of for realsies.
Blackflag421: Eh, I've met a few people thru the internets. All depends on the other person, and you can usually get a feel for if they're cool with it or "internet/real life do not mix" by using open-ended questions/statements.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1403706735 | 1403797589 | t3_2925lm | t5_2to41 | 30 | mooology: TIFU by sleeping in
Today was actually the worst day, and talking about it on the internet might help make it seem a had less shit.
So my day started with me sleeping in, which caused me to get stuck in peak hour traffic which meant I had to drive to a different station to get to my uni exam on time. So I got to the station and bought my ticket, put my ticket in my wallet and go to sit down.
My train come, and I get on happy that I managed to get it in time. By the time I reach my stop, I go to grab my wallet because I'm a bit thirsty and wanted a drink when I got off. My wallet was not in my bag. Now it's band enough realising you've lost your wallet. It's worse when you've been on the train for an hour and a half.
I had a mini freak out, then called by boyfriend, almost in tears. Luckily he was able to find it (the ticket sales man found it and passed it on. He's such a nice guy)
Now, getting home I didn't have a ticket. It didn't occur to me to ask a friend for cash to buy one until I was on the train, so I hoped on without one. It was a stupid idea, but ticket officers usually aren't on at that time. They got on at the next station and started checking tickets.
Now I'm very bad with confrontation, especially when I'm stressed. I also get super nervous around police/people who may as well be police. This combined with my natural flight response cause me to go hide in the bathroom for a bit to freak out.
In hindsight this was a bad idea, but it made perfect sense at the time. Anyway, the transit officers knock on the toilet door and proceed ask about my lack of ticket/lecture me about hiding in loos. Luckily they didn't fine me, but I totally cried after the experience.
When I got off the train, I had to teach my least favourite student. After I finished teaching, in was time to drive to my second job.
I got stuck in a traffic jam. It took me 20mins to drive 500 meters. After my second job I got caught in another traffic jam.
So basically today was shit.
Tldr : slept in, and everything snowballed from there.
Matt2310: invest in a hot air balloon
Imthedaddy11: *gyrocopter
Matt2310: vagina capture
Imthedaddy11: ummm.. what, did i capture YOUR vagina
| 5 | 6 | |
1403708501 | 1403760376 | t3_2928hn | t5_2to41 | 27 | you_know_whyy: TIFU by brushing my teeth.
Last week I got my wisdom teeth out, however this has caused some problems over the last few days by way of food apparently getting stuck in one socket. This caused great pain and inflammation.
I went back to the dentist today and after cleaning out the socket and packing it full of oil clove (which I have not had a good reaction to), I went on my way.
Well, tonight when I got home I took some pretty strong painkillers and thought I would just go to bed to sleep away the horrible day I had been having. It turns out if you are quite tired/ drugged up you don't pay attention to what you put on your toothbrush.
This is where the fun begins.
I commenced my tooth-brushing by way of turning on my electric toothbrush when I noted a down right awful taste (not the oil clove). It was soap, I had put hand soap on my toothbrush. Queue power chucking all over the bench as the soap mixed with the horrid stuff in my tooth socket. This was so powerful I then got a blood nose aaaannnnndddd then I fainted.
So there I was, oil clove, soap, blood, vomit and a teeny hint of leftover toothpaste all mixing in my mouth.
I begrudgingly cleaned the bench then sobbed on the floor for about 10 minutes and then went straight to bed where I am now laying while still tasting faint aromas of everything. Today has not been my day.
I think I will buy a new toothbrush.
TL;DR: Brushed my teeth with soap, mixed with oil clove from dentist. Pain, vomit, crying, blood and a little bit of lost dignity.
KartoffelKartell: Well that escalated quickly
Xexyz128: You got the quote wrong m8.
KartoffelKartell: What do you mean?
Xexyz128: "Boy, that escalated quickly." That is the correct quote.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1403711215 | 1403718312 | t3_292d0y | t5_2to41 | 261 | [deleted]: TIFU letting my cat in the bathroom while I shower.
So this happened about an hour ago. I was taking my morning shower, and my cat was sitting on the sink like a creeper.
Upon exiting the shower I grabbed my towel and started drying off. I then put the towel around my waist and pushed the Siberian Forrest Cat off the sink.
At the sink I was brushing my teeth and getting ready to shave. The next thing I know is suddenly there was an excruciating sharp burning pain on the head of my dick. I let out a yell and my cat goes shooting out the door.
I instantly look at the head of my penis and there now appears to be two holes I can pee out of.
This doesn't look good.
EDIT 1: Changed shower to shave.
EDIT 2: Spelling corrections (still a bit shaken from the incident)
UPDATE1: I feel I should clarify the cat did not bite my dick he clawed it. One of his claws snagged my penis just to the right of the opening of the urethra(?). Also, my apologies reddit, but there is no way I'm posting a shot of my dick on here for proof sorry guys. ;)
And finally thanks for the concern. I'm not going to the doctor i just used peroxide to clean the wound (that was more painful than initial contact. After than I rubbed Neosporin into it. However, I hope my pee pee doesn't get infected if it does you guys will be second to know right after the hospital.
TL; DR Cat used my penis as a cat dancer toy.
ctrlaltme: So a little over 2 weeks ago I submitted a [Photoshop battle](http://i.imgur.com/2F0pMrz.jpg). That's my cat. I'm pretty sure he has been plotting this since then.
ObieKaybee: Not gonna lie, your cat is pretty glorious looking. How many times have you lion king'd him?
ctrlaltme: Thank you.
If you mean giving him the lion cut. I haven't yet, he is only 9 months old. But probably next summer when he has full hair growth.
If you mean holding him in the air like he is Simba. I do that daily. Haha
ThundercuntIII: I hope he didn't mean this: http://nl.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=simba
| 5 | 52.2 | |
1403712379 | 1403729615 | t3_292f2x | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By not lubing up
Well technically yesterday but lets move on. My girlfriend and I were getting frisky yesterday afternoon and things progressed to the main show. When inserting my 'member' into her I felt a bit of pain at the tip of my penis but it soon passed and I thought no more of it until later when things were underway and suddenly I felt a very sharp painful jab in the same place I quickly withdrew and looked down to see an awful amount of blood seemingly coming from my penis. My girlfriend screamed as I dashed to the bathroom to deal with the situation and now she feels awful for 'breaking my penis'. So yeah I ripped then proceeded to snap my frenulum (Banjo string) so that sucked and now it burns when I pee.
TL;DR: Didn't use lube, too much pressure on my dick and dick string which caused it to snap.
[deleted]: What the hell is a dickstring?
thegreenpiglet: The bit that connects the foreskin and bell-end
[deleted]: ow ow ow ow ow ow thank you ow ow ow ow ...
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1403714154 | 1403720268 | t3_292i8p | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my gay roommates toothbrush.
I have never willing swallowed so much listerine in my life.
[deleted]: Why does it matter if he's gay?
[deleted]: who said it was a male?
| 3 | 2 | |
1403712075 | 1403728132 | t3_292ekf | t5_2to41 | 24 | ColinScatt: TIFU by driving the wrong car to work.
Another TIFU post, another story from a day other than today. However, it did happen to be yesterday.
I'm heading out in the morning, and my fiancee has me parked in. I figure, no big deal, I'll take her car. I'm 5 minutes from work (about a 45 minute commute) when my friend calls my cell. I don't have hands-free in this car (of course, I do in mine.) We haven't talked in like a month, so I answer, no-bluetooth be damned.
Literally as I start speaking, out of the corner of my eye, I catch the cop car. We're rolling next to each other, about 15mph. Cop is looking right at me. IFU.
Cop pulls me over for being on the phone (NJ, for those wondering.) Not only does he give me the $130 ticket for being on the phone (after me spouting something stupid about having been using GPS when my buddy rang me or something) but as it turns out, my fiancee's registration expired at the end of last month. He gives me a $54 ticket for that as well.
Knew I should have driven my own car. TIFU.
Mentosgibson: Lucky your not in Australia
Talking on the phone while driving $300-400
Driving a unregistered motor car $504
ColinScatt: Good lord.
Stiffed_: Australias economy didnt die during the GFC for a reason.
| 4 | 6 | |
1403709455 | 1403763171 | t3_2929zn | t5_2to41 | 26 | phaedrus1999: TIFU by streaking through my neighborhood
Just registered for reddit like, an hour ago, but thought I'de kick it off by getting stuff off my chest.
So, I live in Florida, and it gets hot during the summer days. HOT. During the night though, it's perfectly fine. So one day (or should I say night) a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't go to bed. Just lay there until around 3:00, when I decided to get some fresh air. Through some sort of twisted logic that you can only obtain from sleep deprivation, I decided it was a good idea to do it naked. what better way to get refreshed? Anway, I figured, no one is up at three anyway, right?
So, I sneak out the back, nude, and proceed to start sprinting across people's back lawns (people fence off their lawns, but I live on a lake, so there's always a little room between the water and houses). Everything's going well, and it actually is quite refreshing.
Right until I ran into my neighbor's barbecue party. About, say, 20 people just stop what their doing and stare at my unclothed bod. So, I slowly walk backwards out of their lawn, and sprint back home. Didn't sleep for the rest of the night. No word yet, but I haven't shown my face to them since. I'm so fucked.
bedroom_strobes: Well, hopefully you have an appealing bod.
trevorlc: obviously we need pictures to be sure.
bedroom_strobes: Concur
phaedrus1999: eh, I work out.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1403715570 | 1403784356 | t3_292kqj | t5_2to41 | 938 | ButtersHound: TIFU and made a girl lose her religion
So it's Easter Sunday and my wife, my brother and his girlfriend are all down in the American South (the fried chicken part not the cactus part) visiting my Dad for the holiday break. So of course like all ~~part time~~ good Catholics its time for our bi-annual visit to church.
The huge cathedral is full to the brim, wall to wall people in there Easter bests. *Stand up, sit down, chant, chant, chant, kneel* repeat. Then it's finally time for Communion. Now my wife isn't Catholic and neither is my brother's girlfriend but my wife knows the routine for receiving Communion [hands out, say "Amen", munch munch, one step to the right, cross yourself] and my brother's girlfriend doesn't. So my brother's gf looks at me "Hey Butters, do you think it's a big deal for me to get Communion?"
"Sure, it's no big deal, nobody really cares if you're not Catholic" I say, "just take the wafer, put it in your mouth, step to the side, and cross yourself. It's easy."
So we line up, and the gf is in line behind me. I get my ~~wafer~~ Body of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior and move to drink the ~~wine~~ Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ Ever Living Son of God. Out of the corner of my eye I watch GF approach the priest, put out her hands, and, being the polite girl that she is say "thanks"
...I cringe so hard my eyebrows hurt. The priest says "You're not a Catholic" holding the wafer inches above her hand
She goes "Huh?"
Priest "YOU"RE NOT A CATHOLIC, YOU CAN'T GET COMMUNION," not exactly yelling but pretty damn loud.
The Girlfriend's hands starts shaking, she's just standing there mortified while everyone in line and in the pews around her are craning their necks to watch. She then throws her hands to her eyes, lets out and slow, moaning cry, then sobbing uncontrollably makes a hundred yard dash down the Cathedral's aisle...and takes a mean tumble about halfway through.
It was horrific. We found her after, crying her eyes out, and we tried to console her the best we could, telling her that the priest was a dick and most priest wouldn't have acted like that. But it was to no avail. Now 3 months later she's quickly made a huge transformation from being a on-again off-again, non-denomination Christian to being a militant atheist all because I fucked up the instructions and encouraged her to take Communion.
Edit: if I offended you by these actions, my sincere apologies. She is a good girl who gave up celebrating Easter in her church where anyone could receive communion to come celebrate the holiday with my family. I regret the poor instruction I gave her and I deeply regret her loss of faith but I will never regret trying to get her communion on an Easter Sunday.
agent_scully2084: (Devout) Catholics take sacraments seriously, and in order to participate in the sacrament of communion, one should be baptized as Catholic and undergo preparation to participate in the sacrament. It's not seen as a novelty to participate in just because one is curious and wants to fit it.
That being said, the priest acted like a dick and was by no means a reflection of the message that he /should/ be delivering on behalf of the church. (In other words, he could have been more tactful and encouraged her to receive a blessing instead of the host.)
This is one of the reasons why people reject organized religion. Even if the idea of a Deity is appealing, people within most religious institutions are more marginalizing and judgemental than welcoming.
It's not your fault, that bro's gf is atheist, OP. Organized religion, particularly Catholicism, tends to push people away on its own.
Edit: added clarification
ButtersHound: Here's how I feel. Number one, I went to 12 years of Catholic school through the height of the US sexual abuse scandals and always defended the Church as best I as could, even though what some clergy did is monsterous and terrible. So I'm basically saying They owe me, big time. Number two, after all the aforementioned bullshit (the molestations, the rape, the kiddie porn, the embezzlement) you've put this country and a worldwide community of a billion catholics through **you're turning people away?!**, you got to be kidding me. And most importantly, number 3: WWJD? You say the Church follows the teachings and example set by Jesus, so Father, its a simple question;Would Jesus turn people away from mass? From communion? Of corse not, its just a mix of pride, stupidity, and warped tradition.
Edit: and *greed*, how could I forget that one
ferocity562: They aren't turning people away from their faith. They are asking that people be fully educated about how important the sacrament of communion is to their faith before they do it. I'm not sure how you went through 12 years of Catholic school without even a basic understanding of the Church's tenets of faith....
ButtersHound: After 12 years I know enough about the church to realize that after 2,000 years of antiquated dogma, nobody in it has a clear idea of what to do anymore and would point to our new pope's complete overhaul of the church as proof. I've come to the point where I'm going to make my own decisions about what being a catholic means to me and about what Jesus wants from us. If the church is going to trace its lineage back to St Peter and Jesus then I don't think its a far stretch to ask that they act a little more like them and as far as I can remember I don't remember Jesus denying the sacrament or excluding people from worship.
ferocity562: Great. But until you are elected Pope, your beliefs do not reflect the Church's beliefs and to act all high and mighty about while in reality you are being incredibly disrespectful to other Catholics for whom communion is a central part of their belief system is incredibly douchey.
The priest did not exclude her from worship. She wasn't kicked out of the building or told she couldn't pray. She was asked to not take part in a holy sacrament because she doesn't have the understanding of what the sacrament means and hasn't undergone the expected spiritual cleansing to be able to take part in it.
Also, the argument that Jesus didn't deny the sacrament to anyone is false. Communion is based on the last supper between Jesus and the apostles. He didn't engage in that sacrament with just any rando off the street. He engaged in it with those closest to him whom he judged to have the greatest understanding of what that sacrament meant.
ParisGypsie: I think you guys are conflating religious practices (non-Catholics should not receive Communion) with *one* priest's inability to be tactful. There were obviously a million other ways to better handle this scenario. One priest's actions at Communion are not representative of the whole church.
HeatDeathIsCool: Not to mention, people accidentally say "thank you" instead of "amen" all the time when receiving communion. The priest may have been right that she wasn't a catholic, but he took a risky gamble in insisting upon it.
ChiefChronicDog: Op made this story up, no doubt
ParisGypsie: I'm thinking so too, most Catholics are aware that non-Catholics can ask for a blessing instead of receiving Communion.
WhatIsFear: Am raised Catholic. Not aware of that.
ParisGypsie: When you go to Communion do you see people with their arms crossed [like this](http://s2.hubimg.com/u/6540753_f520.jpg) (instead of holding out their hand for the host)? Very common among kids too young to receive Communion (before 2nd grade) or those who aren't Catholic. If you wanted a host you would hold out your hand for one, if you do nothing the priest will probably just bless you assuming you don't know the proper procedure, but the cross is just an easy way for the priest to know you want a blessing.
WhatIsFear: I come from a small town. Any younger kids would get a blessing anyhow. They didn't need to "show" they wanted one instead of a host. And to be fair, I don't recall ever seeing a non-Catholic person come to our church. Or at least not one who lines up for a blessing.
ParisGypsie: Well it's completely optional. Some areas might not do it. Many people in this thread have mentioned it though.
> And to be fair, I don't recall ever seeing a non-Catholic person come to our church.
Sometimes non-Catholics want to watch their relatives get confirmed or they're staying with friends and want to tag along. Anyone can sit and enjoy the mass (free blessing too!), we just ask you not to participate in the holy sacraments without being a part of the Church.
You can always stay sitting in the pew, but some people find this awkward or want a free blessing. It's all optional, do whatever you like, I was just explaining what the procedure was because you said you weren't familiar.
WhatIsFear: Not familiar with the crossing arms bit. Since where I'm from most people are/were catholic to begin with. Small town.
ParisGypsie: It must be very regional. I'm small town too (somehow we have three churches for a population of like 7,000). Catholic, Methodist, and United Church of Christ. Protestants too, although their church is in another town.
Still odd though that OP told his girlfriend to just fake being Catholic, most of us know that *definitely* isn't the right thing to do.
WhatIsFear: When I say small town, I'm talking about a few hundred people. Max 1,500. Lol
| 17 | 55.176471 | |
1403713873 | 1403823899 | t3_292hq4 | t5_2to41 | 1,457 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at a terrible Powerpoint
This morning, I had to attend a training session at work with a supervisor. The supervisor's presentation included a segment on what kind of reports I should be turning in as work product.
When he opened a Powerpoint example, I laughed because it was so bad I assumed it was an example of what *not* to do: black background, neon green and blue text with drop shadow, multiple font sizes, and some sort of shape effect on every single graphic.
Turns out that is legitimately what my supervisors think is a cool, hip, infographic style presentation. I tried several times to apologize and also explain that I've had a bit of actual graphic design training.
Supervisor claimed that it was totally fine but then pulled me aside a little while later to tell me that he's concerned I'm not "buying in" to my membership in our corporate team. Pretty sure if this guy had any control over my employment status I would have just lost my job.
MikeOxsbig: You should just send him this nice little [infograph](http://i.imgur.com/WntrM6p.gif).
under_analysis: That is an excellent graphic. I am definitely holding on to that.
SerenityWhen: Fuck your boss. I would find a new job if I were you. Sounds like your supervisor is a moron that wants you to drink the bullshit cool-aid. I would start looking for a better job.
RoRo24: Finding a job ain't that easy buddy
MordorOfCrows: Agreed. I've been looking for almost a year.
gbimmer: Move to a different town.
SuperWackSauce: why is this man receiving downvotes? this is a completely legitimate statement for most young adults and it is absolute bullshit the number of them that refuse to take this advice.
Holla-back-at-cha: Seriously? Moving to another town isn't free.
SuperWackSauce: As a person who is renting your furniture should be cheap, disposable and fit in your personal vehicle. All of it except a mattress. Assuming you are moving for more money directly you can afford to buy a new mattress post haste.
Holla-back-at-cha: You can fit all your furniture in your car? I have 3 couches. That itself would cost money for a truck.
SuperWackSauce: that's a lot of furniture for somebody in a non-permanent living situation.
Holla-back-at-cha: Who said anything about a non-permanent living situation? I've lived in my house for 10 years. 3 couches, 3 big wardrobes, 2 big tables. I would need a truck to move. And even without the truck, a lot of people wouldn't want to leave their hometown just like that.
SuperWackSauce: you don't fit the original context of this argument. why are you?
Holla-back-at-cha: No one ever said anything about a non permanent living situation.
SuperWackSauce: "young adults" sir. If your house is your own then the likelihood of you being in a situation where you can't afford to live and are also still young after living in it for 10 years is minuscule.
Holla-back-at-cha: Young adults can still have furniture. And you'd lose all your friends if you moved. Moving isnt that easy for people man.
| 17 | 85.705882 | |
1403716093 | 1403729793 | t3_292lqb | t5_2to41 | 46 | quinnfrie: TIFU by delivering a pizza to the wrong house
This was not today. This was about 3 years ago, I was fresh out of school and working as a pizza delivery guy to make some extra cash.
It was a night like any other, I was called to deliver a pizza to what we will call "123 Main Street". Perfect. I get the pizza and get in my car and shortly after arrive at the address. I go up to the house and ring the doorbell. Short extra context: I am Canadian, it was winter, that means it was very very cold. I am also a pretty tall guy. A couple minutes go by and nobody answers the door. I'm cold, I'm bored, and I've got other shit to deliver. I stand on my tipy-toes and peak through the windows on the top of the door and what I saw next will forever be imprinted in my mind. I want you to picture every pizza themed adult film you have ever seen. The lady drops her towel and asks for extra sausage. Now I want you to picture the lady in that classy flick. Add 30 years, 200 pounds, and a nose the size of Jay Leno's chin. As I peak through the window, this pleasant woman is looking right back at me. We make eye contact, I throw up in my mouth, and she swings the door open. "WHAT THE FUCK YOU PERVERT.. YOU LIKE PEAKING THROUGH WINDOWS, YOU WERE TRYING TO SEE ME NAKED." Then she slams the door in my face. She doesn't even say anything about the pizza... Weird. I drive back to the pizza place, I feel dirty, I feel sick, and I'm thinking the police will be waiting there to take me away. I get back, I tell my boss Suresh Gurdjeep about what happened so he calls up the customer. "Hello Sir, we are very sorry about what happened... would you still like your pizza?" The Customer responds "Pizza you guys never came yet."
The motherfucker forgot to mention he lived in the basement suite.
tl;dr I deliver pizza, see a naked, elderly, overweight woman, realize the pizza is supposed to go to the basement suite.
Im_in_timeout: A TIFU story that didn't involve you shitting yourself!
Have a ?|?
quinnfrie: I forgot to add. As soon as I saw the dimples in her butt-cheeks my stomach dropped. I shit myself.
| 3 | 15.333333 | |
1403716830 | 1403717407 | t3_292n26 | t5_2to41 | -1 | chaoticclare: TIFU by mistaking peppery spray for silly string.
TIFU when I was cleaning my sister's room for her as a favor and found a spray bottle adorned with stickers. It looked really innocent so I assumed it was silly string (My sister had even been telling me she had silly string in her room earlier today.) So, naturally, I spray the "silly string" into the air only to find out that it is pepper spray. Obviously some of it got into my eyes and burned like satan's crotch but boy I am just thankful that I didn't spray it directly into my face because even second hand exposure was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life.
edit: typo
rogerbelanger: Stop lying
chaoticclare: I wish I was.
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1403717112 | 1403721793 | t3_292nmp | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By getting drunk in Seattle and piercing my nipples.
MennyC123: Are you a guy?
[deleted]: Nope. No I'm not.
MennyC123: Then I doubt anyone will care. When guys do it its weird but when girls do it its sexy. Good luck with the bits of metal on your tits.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403717478 | 1403718616 | t3_292obr | t5_2to41 | 27 | SayYesToMeph: TIFU by faking a kidnapping
This was actually a few years ago but ill tell it anyway.
This should actually be a TodayWeFuckedUp but i dont think theres a subreddit for that.
Anyway, one friday night me and a few mates are just driving around, chilling in my mates new car, pulling up at random places and getting high.
After doing this for a few hours it must have now been around 10pm, we were getting bored and was trying to think of something fun to do when i said we should pretend to kidnap me and see how people react.
We had a full car, 3 people in the back, 2 in the front.
We found a bus stop with around 5 people there waiting for a bus. I got out of the car out of view of the people and got in the bus stop and pretended to wait for the bus while my mates were around the corner in the car.
Around a minute later my mate speeds round the corner in the car, car was dark blue, window tints etc, music blaring as to grab peoples attention.
Anyway, he slams on the brakes around 10 meters from the bus stop and 2 mates jump out the back.With their hoods up and faces covered they sprint over to me and grab me in a headlock as the other grabs my feet and drag me into the back of the car all the while i was shouting "GET THE FUCK OFF ME!".
They got me in the back of the car and sped off. We found it hilarious and decided to do it again the next night.
This time i stayed in the car and we did it to my other friend, but this time we put a bag over his head and dragged him into the car.
We drove back past the bus stop a few minutes later and saw a woman their crying, we instantly felt bad and didn't realize the effect it would have on people, being young and dumb.
Carrying on, my mate drops us off later that night, after dropping off my last friend, on his way home, 2 or 3 police cars catch up to my friend and pull him over. Armed police, which is not very common in the UK.
They dragged him out the car after seeing his hands and lay him face first into the road.
After questioning him he had to explain the situation, how it was just a joke and he just got a verbal bollocking off the officers and a fine for wasting police time.
bedroom_strobes: That's epic. My friends would not have the guts to pull such a realistic prank!
SayYesToMeph: Haha thanks, this was a while ago before the big youtube prank scene kick started but i think someone could make a decent video out of a prank like this.
| 3 | 9 | |
1403712627 | 1403731145 | t3_292fj5 | t5_2to41 | 89 | RageCageRunner: TIFU by forgetting about a chrome extension I had installed
Apparently some time in the past someone sent me a link to a Chrome extension called [cloud2butt](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/cloud-to-butt-plus/apmlngnhgbnjpajelfkmabhkfapgnoai?hl=en) that changes all instances of "the cloud" to "my butt". Obviously thinking it was hilarious, I installed it. Fast forward to this morning. We're talking about the [Aereo SCOTUS appeal](http://techcrunch.com/2014/06/25/aereo-loses-in-supreme-court-deemed-illegal/) in our company chatroom (which is backed up in perpetuity). I couldn't figure out why the hell Aereo on their homepage would say that ["Your antenna is in my butt"](http://i.imgur.com/2hdgoKq.png). Doesn't make sense right?
Well the smart half of my brain decided it would be a good idea to ask if there's some other form of the word butt that I'm unaware of. Obviously after I hit enter and said a few more related things, a director asked me to come to his desk and explain that it's definitely not on their website.
TL;DR: I speak before I think.
NotMyComment: You need to get your head out of the butts.
RageCageRunner: Lol except it changes it to "my butt"
So really I need to get my head out of your butt.
| 3 | 29.666667 | |
1403718241 | 1403719174 | t3_292pqy | t5_2to41 | 19 | tkdkidjm1: TIFU by engaging in oral relations with my mates little siste (NSFW)
First let me start by saying she was 18 (in her first year of college). I was 21 at the time (finishing college).
This was years ago but i only just found out about TIFU
We were on break and at another friends house for a party. Everyone had been drinking copious amounts of bee/liquor. My freinds start heading out/passing out and im still there partying. My buddy's little sister shows up looking really hot. (5 foot 9 blonde college volleyball player...you get the idea) So my friends see me gawking and tell me not to even dare....you know us men like to do things we are told not to.
So everyone heads to bed and i tell my buddy i'll walk her home (at this point im thinking i wont actually do anything and i will just walk her home)
We stopped at my car in order to grab something (i forget what it was).
After i exit my car she pushes me against the car and we start kissing. We eventually get into the car and thats where things go DOWN. If you catch my drift. So my car keys are in my pants and im like "wait let me make sure i put my keys where i will remember them" So i put them in the back of the seat with that net shit holding it in, and we go at it. It was awesome.
Heres where i fucked up;
I ask her if she swallows and she says yes emphatically as if it were silly for me to have asked. So i finish and she opens the door....which was locked.....and alarmed....so that she can spit.....the alarm was the loudest most defeaning sound i had ever heard.
I scramble to find my jeans and my keys to shut it off....cant find them ...cant find them. I tell her to put her pants on and she is just kinda sitting there. My friend whos house i parked down the street from had come out of his house....WITH HIS MOM. Headed straight to my car. They see her sitting in the back seat with no pants/undies on. So im telling them we DID NOT HAVE SEX. They reluctantly believe me. (And to be fair they knew her college tendancies...if you know what i mean) Thankfully her older brother was already at his house and didnt find out till the morning.
Her and i texted eachother just saying "stick to the we only kissed story and we'll be ok"
Her family never found out only her brother. Lost some friends that year. I'd do it all over again...excpet id remember where my keys were.
TLDR; Messed around with friends sister in my car and got caught cause i forgot where my keys were when my car alarm went off.
PCdiciple: What I don't understand is, why would you lose friends over this? She was 18. She can do who ever the fuck she wants and her brother just has to deal with it.
Tsunamibash: You and my thoughts exactly. She can fuck who she likes (or suck whoever she likes). Also didn't she say she swallowed so why would she open the car door to spit.
This story SMELLZ of bullshit to me
tkdkidjm1: That was what bothered me too. In my head i thought if you said you would then why go to spit....
I blame her for us getting caught
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1403720604 | 1403740246 | t3_292u3p | t5_2to41 | 17 | sittinginatincan420: TIFU by not asking if they wanted to split their bill
I am a waitress at a resteraunt and the otherday i took a table of 15 people. Their bill was around $160. I suppose i fucked up by not asking if they wanted their check split before i had taken their order. One man said he wanted his bill for his food because he had to leave early. So i split his bill of and he paid and left. When the time came to split the check for everyone else the p.o.s. wouldnt let me split the check again so i went and got my manager because i didnt know what to do. He hadn't encountered that problem before and wasn't quit sure what to do either. So we went to the section in the p.o.s. where the two checks were split, we deleted what was in the second check belonging to the man who had left the dinner early to add a bill for the next guest and printed off the ticket for that guest. We repeated the process of deleting everyrhing from the spot of the second check and then re adding the next guest and so on. Once i had a check printed off for each guest they all had cards that they wanted to pay with. This is when i begin to get really overwhelmed because while we could do the one by one thing to print the checks off we couldnt really do it to run the credit cards through the machine for it to process all of them because we couldnt open up another check without deleting the first one. We came to the idea to transfer everything to another table. The guest were begining to get impatient by this time because of how long the whole process had been taking. When we opened the bill up in a different table i became very overwhelmed because i couldnt find all of the items that had been on the bill. I had two other tabels and one of them was ready to pay at that time as well, i had to close out of trying to seperate the 15 tops bill to pay for my other tabels bill. After doing that and trying to figure it out for a little longer i became emotional because i hed no idea what to do and feared having to pay for the bill if i wasnt able to figure it out. one of the ladies from the 15 top comes up to my manager and i while trying to figure out what to do and is very angry and says that if we cant figure it out now then we have to just give them their cards back because they had to go. So we gave them their cards back without figuring out how to run them leaving the bill of around $160 unpaid. I spoke with the general manager and he said it was considered a walk out and they normally make the server pay for a walk out if the table was theirs and that he would talk with me about it later. I made about $50 that day and that neans i would have to pay $30 more than i made that day.
BigBobsBootyBarn: tl;dr
No but seriously. I tried to read it, but you need more periods and maybe 2-3 paragraphs. Not trying to be a nazi, but it'll help out a lot as most people tend to skip stories like this as it's a little hard to follow/understand.
On the other hand, if your GM claims that is a walk out I would damn sure hope the other manager (who should know how to work the f'ing register) is paying half. I understand it's not completely his fault, but it's not yours either. What kind of register has a "sorry you've already split once" kind of block on it? Lastly, why didn't you just--
Print the check to have as a copy
Erase the check from the register
Ring the items back up as a new order, using the printed copy as your guide
Then split the bill, now that the "you've already done this once" limitation would be removed.
powerplants: this is off-topic but you wouldn't know of a decent guide or anything on how to write like that would you? I tend to do the same exact thing, I'm not good at writing.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1403720270 | 1403726268 | t3_292thn | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my grandma's coworkers that I have a big cock
My grandmother got me a job with her working for a company that converts text documents onto microfilm to be preserved. So in my work area, it's my grandmother, six of her worker friends (all ages 55+), and me. My specific job is to cart boxes of filmed paper back and forth from the storage to my desk, and check the contents to ensure that they contain the correct films. So the whole day I'm pushing around this giant cart and forcing everyone to stop what they're doing and move for me, so I'm always apologizing.
However, about twenty minutes ago, I royally fucked up. I was passing one of the coworker ladies, and like always, I apologized for being an inconvenience. Normally they are quick to respond with "it's okay" or "no worries" but this time I got a different response. (Let me quickly mention that this lady, despite being about 30 years older than me, is pretty attractive. When you are doing mindless work for 8 hours a day, it's hard to keep your mind from drifting towards these things.)
She responded with " It's not your fault that you have a big cart!" To which, without hesitation, I replied "That's not all that's big." It was horrendous. I've never seen the mouths so agape in my entire life. I quickly walked away and sat down at the computer to type this.
TIFU by telling the whole office, including my grandmother, about my big cock.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Should've ravaged her cock holster as soon as her jaw dropped. This would've established dominance and the others would've commended your handy work.
maltedbacon: *Advice not guaranteed to work as described.
mythrowawayresponse: ** Not valid from Canada and other non-USA areas.
*** including drones from Canada
Voyager5555: **** Cock holster should not be used to actually holster cock.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1403721680 | 1403844430 | t3_292w5f | t5_2to41 | 13 | NipsMcGips: TIFU by showing my husband Dan Bilzerian
I shared a link with my hubs about Dan Bilzerian. Needless to say, he has been doing god awful impersonations of him the past 48 hours. He walks around and acts like a douchbag, demands that I jump up and down holding our AK in a bikini, and insists on having a scotch in the morning because hes "Dan Bilzerian." It was hilarious at first, until we went to the supermarket and demanded that I reach for the BBQ sauce on the top shelf because his arms were only to be used to shoot cool gats and throw models off roof tops into pools. He says this in public. I exchange glances with another supermarket goer who is looking at me like, 'poor woman...'
God damn Dan Bilzerian. God damn myself for sharing that link. I am going to have to immasculate my husband tonight and put an end to this. -_-
lukesta72: No need to immasculate. Just seduce him under 1 condition; he will stop.
DeanoAus: That... that is the single most cruel yet brilliant thing I've ever read. He won't want to stop - but can't say no!
The force is strong with this one.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403723873 | 1403828105 | t3_29307c | t5_2to41 | 30 | Athiest_Jesus: TIFU by Getting A Random Erection Whilst Fishing
I'm currently on vacation in South Carolina with my family. Ever since I was little my family has rented out a condo in Hilton Head that backs up to the ocean. With the ocean being so accessible my father and I traditionally spent a lot of time fishing, and this year has been no different.
Today as the tide was on it's way out I decided to throw on a pair of running shorts and wade out into the water, work on my tan, and try to slay some redfish.
Everything was going fine, I had gotten snagged a few times but also had a bites and was loving life. However I started to get a random erection, I'll blame on free-balling and the melodic rhythm of the ocean. I was thinking, "ah no big deal, my back is to the condos so no harm no foul" and proceeded to zone out.
Boy was I fucking wrong. Much to my chagrin there were two kayaks with two girls roughly my age, a mother and a young kid that came out of the inlet that was to my right. By the time I noticed them they were pretty damn close and I panicked. If I continued to go forward into water deep enough to cover my hard-on, I would have had to move directly into their path and look like a jerk, and I couldn't really flip it up because I wasn't wearing a shirt.
So I decided to stay put and kind of half flip it up to try and make it a little less noticeable tried to look really into my fishing and at all cost avoid eye contact.
Just as the group floated by I got snagged on some shells and I tried to jimmy it loose. As I was trying to free my line, I accidentally freed my erection from the safety of elastic waistband. The commotion of me trying to my line was mistaken as me hooking into something, and suddenly four sets of eyes were on me while I was fully torqued. The two girls around my age. giggled their asses off while covering their hand.
There was nothing I could do but wait for them to go past. To add insult to injury I ended up breaking my line and headed back to our condo with my head hung in defeat.
Voyager5555: I read that as "Fisting" and thought that would be perfectly normal...the actual story, not so much.
StarkidOliver: Glad I'm not the only perv who read "fisting"...
pkmnbrawler123: I didn't even notice until after the story was over.
StarkidOliver: Yeah, I got halfway through the story and thought "this has nothing to do with fisting..."
| 5 | 6 | |
1403726207 | 1403733772 | t3_2934ic | t5_2to41 | 1 | TheUnmasturbator: TIFU by cumming on an inspector...
Well it all starts with a morning wood, i woke up with a rock hard boner, and i had to go to work, i had no time to fap it off, so i just took it with me to work, trying to calm it down while i was in the office....but it just didn't go, so i decided to fap under the desk.
Little did i know it was inspection day, and they were sooner or later going to arrive at my little office. So i continued to savagely fap, when i reached my final moments, i was on the verge of cumming... THE FUCKING INSPECTOR JUST HAD TO WALK IN AT THAT EXACT MOMENT...i didn't really have much time to react, so i kind of had a spasm out of shock, and lets just say things got really messy, i'm talking cum on inspector's face messy-worst thing was it was a man.
My boss was ultra pissed and fired me on the spot, could this day get any worse?
datraceman: LIES LIES LIES!!!!!
TheUnmasturbator: Do i need to catch this in video or something, to get you guys believing the story?
datraceman: If this really happened (which it didn't), how do you go from fapping under the desk to your semen going through your desk all the way to this dude's face?
Plus, if this really did happen it doesn't speak well of you at all that your masturbation habit cost you your job. Perhaps you should seek counseling for sex addiction.
Another thing, the more you fervently defend it's real, it usually isn't.
TheUnmasturbator: Basically, as i explained in the story, out of shock from the inspector coming into the room and invading my privacy, i sorta jumped up and it went all over his face.
| 5 | 0.2 | |
1403717718 | 1403961021 | t3_292osl | t5_2to41 | 33 | Spadie: TIFU by giving my mother a backpack containing a knife to use as a carry-on
This actually happened a few years back. Little bit of back story first.
I am a bit of a knife collector. Not any crazy fantasy blades or anything, I am partial to folding knives (particularly Benchmade knives) and the like. I found out one of my friends was interested in the same thing so we would occasionally trade knives if we each had something the other wanted. I ended up trading him an old miscellaneous folding knife and in return I received a (very) dull curved, fixed blade.
The handle was hand carved and dyed wood with deep reds and greens and yellows. The blade was a little bit crude and had a large finger hole in it. It looked a bit like a reverse Karambit. On top of its clearly crude and vicious appearance, it had 'PAKISTAN' stamped into the blade.
I had placed this knife into my backpack and brought it to a friends house with the intention of getting it sharpened but (luckily) ended up forgetting about getting it sharpened so it was still pretty dull.
A few days later my sisters ex-boyfriend had needed to borrow my backpack. Like many things he borrowed, it took a long time to get back. When I finally received the backpack a month later I forgot to check the very easy to miss inner pocket in the middle compartment.
My mother, shortly after, asked me if I had an old backpack or something I could loan her for her trip to Vegas the next day. I handed her that backpack, she asked me if anything was in it and I told her no.
I received an angry call a day later that my mother was going through airport security and they asked her if she had anything in her bag that they should know about, she said no. The lady continued to question her, she continued to deny it. I was then told the lady opened up the backpack, found the hidden pocket and pulled out a curved blade with a giant PAKISTAN engraving on the blade and proceeded to grill her for a few minutes as to why she had something like this in her carry-on. It took a few minutes but she was let through security (and most likely onto a watch list somewhere)
Now luckily for us all we are in Canada. If she had been caught with that at an American airport she would most likely still be in Guantanamo today.
TL;DR - Gave my mother a bag to use as a carry-on that contained a handmade fighting knife with the word PAKISTAN etched on the blade.
IntoTheBrandy: Upvote for Benchmade. I have a nice one.
Spadie: What model you have? I have an old Pika II Tanto before it was an H&K, a 350 and a 3550 (Don't tell anyone!)
IntoTheBrandy: Beautiful. I have a Griptilian Mel Pardue Axis Lock knife. Sharp as hell, and nearly invisible under clothing.
Spadie: Oh man I'm jelly. I've always wanted a Griptilian. I think once I get a little bit of dosh I'm going to get a custom one. Probably with the Sheepsfoot blade because I like the thumb hole on it. SO JELLY.
IntoTheBrandy: I love it, it's great. I got it for self-defense (I was followed partway home from college a couple times), and I haven't had to use it for that purpose yet, but it is useful for other things. Mine is the 555HG, the Mini, but it's still badass. I have the satin finish blade, non-serrated. I paid $93 and some change for it at the local Sportsman's Warehouse, I think. Definitely worth it.
Spadie: I don't carry a knife for self defense, I just carry it because very often someone in my family or a friend will go "Can someone get me a knife or some scissors?" and I just have it there. Great tool, never know when you'll need to open some pesky packaging! I also like one handed open. Griptilian even has easy one handed closing!
IntoTheBrandy: I'm a small woman, and I live in a ghetto town, where men think it's appropriate to cruise up on women and terrify the living shit out of them. We've had kidnappings, sexual assaults on the local college campus, murders, you name it. Up until recently, I wasn't old enough for a CPL. I needed to carry something.
However, I use it a lot for camping. I go mushroom hunting with the family, and it's useful for that. Packaging is impossible, too. Those earbud packages are the worst. I love my Griptilian's easy-close for either hand. I'm ambidextrous, and it makes using the knife so much easier.
Spadie: Fair enough! I have no problem with anyone carrying around a knife for self defense. Then again, I'm a 6 foot tall 300 pound giant bearded man living in the nicer part of my town. If I lived downtown, my reasons for carry would be much different.
Also I never thought about Griptilians being ambidextrous. There goes benchmade again, never failing to surprise me. It just seems like the all around perfect folder. I've gotta get me one.
| 9 | 3.666667 | |
1403728542 | 1403749109 | t3_2938s7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | superpencil: TIFU by congratulating a friend on his miscarriage :(
Oh god, this happened about 20 minutes ago and man do I feel like such an asshole.
Ok so a friend and I were joking about his lack of a sex life with his gf... you know. The usual.. "Dude you can die from that. ARE YOU CRAZY. Have you even had sex before...?" all the stupid jokes.
And he sent back reply about how they were but now they're not and they **were** expecting.
Of course I didn't fucking read it right and the way the messages came through it was actually meant to say "we were expecting - but now we're not." So I congratulated him and was all excited and happy and felt like the world was a nice place. But nopenopenope. Fuck you popular messaging app and my brain for fucking me over FUCK.
Even after apologising profusely and moving on with the conversation... I still feel like a big bag of awkward dicks. I'm sitting here cringing at myself and wanting to disappear from earth. :(
_The_Dark_Knight_: He's a guy. The incident will be forgotten very soon. That's the beauty of male friendships. On the other hand, can you imagine if you were both girls? Dear lord that would have terminated the friendship and stated a war
sniss-o-matic: Nah @ all of this.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403728535 | 1403796675 | t3_2938rs | t5_2to41 | 4 | stewpend0us: TIFU by telling an amputee he was missing something
This happened about a month ago.
It was one of the first hot days of the year, so my girlfriend and I decided to take our dog on a hike in the park where there is a nice river for her to play in. This park is pretty popular among mountain bikers, and we often go for rides ourselves.
While we were walking out to the river, this guy passes us on his bike and I notice that his crank is missing. He's riding really fast for only having one crank! I thought there might be an interesting crash or bike failure story behind it, so I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Hey, you're missing something!" a few seconds later I realized he was also missing his leg and that was why he only had one crank...
I felt pretty terrible.
TheUnmasturbator: HAHAHA, this had me laughing till my cock fell off.....by the way it's "today" i fucked up, but oh well, your story really makes up for it i guess.
RTowner35: All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403728401 | 1403779552 | t3_2938im | t5_2to41 | 779 | cangarejos: TIFU by publicly accepting a blowjob [NSFW]
First of all, I'd like to apologize in advance for my english. I'll try my best but I'm pretty sure there are going to be lots of mistakes.
This didn't happen today, but I decided to write about it because I bumped into someone that witnessed my TIFU 16 years ago and he almost cried recalling the situation this morning.
Back then I was working as a pricing analyst for a financial company and while my peers were all guys both my supervisor and my supervisor's boss were women (somehow relevant later).
At that time our in-house operational software was giving us some problems and the company finally decided to ask the IT department to change it.
The standard procedure for an IT project required that an area called "Demand Management" worked together with the users (Business Managers) to understand exactly what they needed.
I was not supposed to participate in any of the meetings with Demand Management, but my supervisor thought that my "first hand" experience with the system would be useful.
So I'm sitting in an empty room with my supervisor and her boss when the Demand Management team gets there. They are just two pretty hot cougar-looking women, probably in their early 40's (I was 25).
I'm an average looking guy, but I was the only male in the meeting, and I think they had the widely extended fantasy of banging random pricing analysts, because they stated flirting with me in front of my bosses.
Not that it was obvious or sexual in any way, but you could tell that they were a little bit too playful, laughing at every stupid joke that I made, asking for my e-mail and phone number at the end of the meeting, etc.
Fast foward a couple hours and my supervisor is teasing me in front of all my male co-workers saying that I was about to get abducted by the cougars, and that she's gonna pimp me to have a better software, etc.
Of course my friends didn't miss the chance to bust my balls a little bit and kept asking me which one sucked me off first, or how it felt to be cock-sucked in front of my supervisor.
And that was just the beginning of it.
Because the cougars returned probably twice per week for a solid 6 months, and ALWAYS wanted to talk to me. Most of the time, directly in front of my computer (at my far-from-private desk).
So, most of the time, I´m trying to talk to them and not laugh while I see a dozen people gesturing behind the cougar's backs with the distinctive motion of someone brushing her wisdom teeth.
In a couple of months, looked like EVERYONE in the company knew about me, the cougars, and the imaginary blowjobs that I'm getting.
Some guy that I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW told me: "wash your balls, I saw the DM team in the elevator"
Is important to emphasize that the cougars, altough being always flirty and super friendly, NEVER actually hit on me.
But the more I tried to "defend" them, the more people found amusing to talk about the subject.
After six months I stopped seeing them (because all the "definitions" were already made and we just had to wait for the software).
So things kind of cooled down and my friends started busting my balls with other stuff.
A little later I was promoted and put in charge of a project that, among other things, involved developing a small IT solution.
So I had to organize a meeting with 10 different people from various departments. One of them (you guessed right) Demand Management.
So I'm here. In a meeting room with 8 people (all males, 3 I barely know but 5 really good friends).
We are about to start but someone counts and says: "We are 9, Are we missing anyone?".
After a quick mental review, I see that Cougar 1 (let's call her Grace) is the one person left.
So I say: "We are missing Grace".
Seems like everybody looks at me in an amusing way so I, for the very first time in a whole year of people busting my balls, choose to be a good sport and participate in the joke by saying:
-"SO, I GUESS I'M GONNA MISS MY DAILY BLOWJOB".
Time freezes.
I see people hold their breath and no one looks at me.
No one except the guy from "Operations" that say: THAT'S MY WIFE WHO YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
True story.
TL;DR: Natalie Portman offers me a blow job at the Oscars premiere. I accept but the Pope gets mad at me and sends Batman to baptize me.
Edit: because grammar nazi
[deleted]: Reddit Phenomenon #671
Anyone who says "pardon my English" at the beginning of a story will probably tell the story in perfect English.
cangarejos: Thanks man! You made my day. *blushes*
[deleted]: No problem haha. What's your mother language?
cangarejos: Spanish. My mom is Italian. And I live in a portuguese speaking country.
MyCreatedAccount: What? So Italian is your original language, and you speak Spanish, English, and Portuguese, all whilst living in Portugal or Brazil?
cangarejos: I've lived in six countries. Five of them spanish-speaking.
And I learned some english watching sitcoms, movies, reading books and lurking here.
From my point of view, english is just the perfect language. Really intuitive, direct and incredibly fitted for humorous purposes.
manosiosis: HA I get it! Sarcasm! Good one!
cangarejos: No sarcasm here. If you see a Spanish to English dictionary is twice as big as an English to Spanish one.
So you guys managed to go to the moon using half the words we needed to achieve our amazing goals such as...well...does the invention of *siesta* count?
LAZODIAC: Dude, I'm kinda like the same here. Although I speak Spanish (mother language as well), French (not much) and English (my favorite). So we're not the same because you speak WAY more languages than me. And I just realized this as I was writing and this is embarrassing and I should shut up now. Oh, god! I'm making a fool of myself. I'll stop now. Aaaaand... I'm done!
cangarejos: You should be really proud of yourself. Trying to communicate is the best way to learn another language. Most people here are really nice and encouraging and understand our struggle.
And for those that point their fingers at us and laugh...se pueden meter el dedo en el medio del culo, pedazo de pelotudos.
LAZODIAC: But I didn't learn English just by reading... I lived one year in Boston, so it was easier.
Y tienes razón.
| 12 | 64.916667 | |
1403730004 | 1403732504 | t3_293bgq | t5_2to41 | 7 | extraperson1988: TIFU by jacking off in the bathroom
DETRITUS_TROLL: Your personal penny in the door.
AeroGold: [Reference](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yeb6U-Uxz4) for non-Scrubs fans.
Also, in a later season of the show, there's [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzFFMQU4sMM)
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403732804 | 1403733637 | t3_293gfi | t5_2to41 | 4 | MtnMaiden: TIFU by having the wrong name
So I use a stage name in my business and a client sent me a cashier check for me to use for a photoshoot he wanted me to do. Check was made out to my stage name instead of my real name.
I burnt the cashiers check thinking the bank can re issue one like a regular check.
The check amount was over $1,000 in value.
mythrowawayresponse: > I burnt the cashiers check
that's like burning cold hard cash... like a bwoss.
MtnMaiden: I'm hoping the bank will re-issue him another one, hopeeeeeeeee.
Fuck sakes, just talk to the manager, look in the in system, and re-issue another one, prayyyyyyyy. Fucking horse shit, it's a cashiers check, like a check! Don't use the word check if it doesn't act like one!
Fucking call it a money order instead!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403732004 | 1403734992 | t3_293f0u | t5_2to41 | 11 | FapFreeTod: TIFU by not knowing the difference in price between eat-in and take-away.
So me and my mate decided to have a good eat out at a Turkish restaurant which was about an hour and a half from home, we both had 10 pound each. We go inside and look up at the menu on the wall, so we began to select what we wanted, and it totaled to about 9 pound for me, so that i would have a pound left, of course me and my mate were intending to eat in, otherwise travelling a long distance just for take-away is just stupid. So this man comes up to us and asks us if we were eating in or not, we replied yes and he showed us to a table. The man at the till told us their might be a "slight" increase in price, we slowly open the menu to find out what we had ordered totaled to a whooping 17 pound each, from 9 to 17! Just for the fact that we get to sit down, obviously because we only had 10 each, we couldn't afford to eat in. Both our hearts dropped when we saw the menu, and as a hot waiter came to approach us we made our way to the front to explain to them that it was all a big misunderstanding and we meant that we ordered take-away but where only "sitting in" to wait for our food to come...
Suddenly, we were surrounded by the sound of laughter, everyone in the restaurant was laughing their head off, and because they all spoke in Turkish, we didn't really know what they were laughing about....until the hot waiter (and it had to come from her, didn't it -__-) confirmed that they were in fact laughing at how poor we were by saying "guys stop, you're embarrassing them, haha", well just great, because i would of been just fine if that bitch didn't open her mouth. At that point i felt like a peasant, and having to take our food out side with no where to sit, we ended up eating on the floor like a bunch of crack sniffing homeless men.
mythrowawayresponse: > At that point i felt like a peasant, and having to take our food out side with no where to sit, we ended up eating on the floor like a bunch of crack sniffing homeless men.
**so... how was the food?**
FapFreeTod: That was the worst part, lets just say: Not worth the price.
mythrowawayresponse: sorry to hear that... I was hoping the food was worth the price and the shame that was judged upon you by others. Did they have a yelp page?
FapFreeTod: yelp? If you mean help, then no.
mythrowawayresponse: http://www.yelp.com/ - in this case think of it like a social peer review on food places.
FapFreeTod: Oh thanks man.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1403734031 | 1403745614 | t3_293iib | t5_2to41 | 9 | sweetpea122: TIFU and now my house smells like cheap cocaine
So as the title suggests, my house smells like cheap college blow. The kind you get from "that guy" at a bar or a party. He's not a real dealer and cuts his crappy coke with baking soda. We all know someone like him. he likes to be the "cool guy" with a crappy hookup and it's all been cut 100x because he buys an 8 ball at a time and mixes it with baking soda.
Anyway, now Im a grown up and a mother so those days are long behind me. My days are spent staying home with a kid and making shit. Well I decided to make dishwashing detergent. However, I needed washing soda which I couldnt find. So genius that I am, I decide to figure out how to make washing soda. Well apparently (insert some science here) washing soda is just baked baking soda. Cool right? Wrong!
I cook the baking soda, thinking how fucking crafty I am. My husband is looking at me thoughtfully because I'm so industrious and clever. Well wrong o, boys and girls, my house now smells like a crack house. Baking soda when heated may very well turn into washing soda, but if the cops came right now, I'd probably be in jail. It looks and smells like cheap, shitty coke that gives you a sinus infection. How do I know? Well genius that I am had to put this shit into a jar and a whole storm of "washing soda crack" blew right into my face and now Im not high from coke so there's no upside.
steezyvape: Why would cops come looking for drugs? And why would cops think it was cocaine? Because it smells like cooked baking soda? You would tell them what it was and they would field test it and you would be fine.
I understand that's probably what it smells like it to you though.
sweetpea122: It does. It smells horrible. The cops wouldnt come looking for drugs obviously. If they did and saw me cooking a substance that smells and looks like it, Im just sayin its not a very believable story. "dont mind me, Im making dish detergent!"
steezyvape: Cops have field tests for when they find substances, they would take some, toss it in and have no reaction and be like "sorry for the inconvenience ma'am"
sweetpea122: I know. That part was kind of a joke. Ive seen cops too sir
steezyvape: Lol. ok. I think the worst of it is really just the smell bothering you, just air that shit out and forget about it.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1403733870 | 1403734147 | t3_293i7z | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to escape the friend zone
This actually did happen today. about 2 hours ago, to be exact.
So, i work with a girl i've been into for a while. we hang out damn near daily and always have fun together. She was a little aggitated at her boyfriend today and decided to vent. I listened like a good friend, and gave the ol' "you gotta do whats best for number 1". I had an appointment to get to, so i left work and started driving. After about 30 minutes and a few beers, i decided to send her a message.
"hey, when you get tired of your boyfriends shit, you need to give me a chance."
"inappropriate" was the response given.
"It is mildly inappropriate, that doesnt make it any less true."
no response.
Whatever, shes not gonna stop being my friend or talking to me over that. 3 more beers go by and i get a new message from a number i dont recognize.
"inappropriate"
sure as shit, her boyfriend was in the store and caught a peak at the messages i had sent. He's not out for blood over it, but it's gonna be an awkward week or so.....
TL;DR gummy bears are actually made in several different countries. the flavors of the bears vary significantly from country to country, so check the back of your package and look for switzerland preferably.
Also, i'm half drunk.
I_am_amazingly_great: You fucked up by getting *in* the friend zone.
mythrowawayresponse: **this**
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403732142 | 1403751938 | t3_293f9y | t5_2to41 | 3 | ScrottyMcBoogerBall: TIFU because my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
Today my mom came home to tell me she had cancer in her foot. She kept reassuring me everything would be ok but I know why this happened. A year ago I was caught (monthes after for selling it) stealing an iPad from a store, as in ripping it off the display and running out the store with it. I was sentenced to go to court a few week later and the day I found this out I had a mental breakdown of how I've fucked my entire future and called out of work. I didn't want to tell my job that I was going to court for stealing because I had been stealing quarter rolls from them and they didn't know who it was. The excuse I used was that my mom had been diagnosed with cancer and that the crying of my mental breakdown would help convey the message. My boss said that doctors don't call someone's house with that kind of news and I was let go the next day. Fast forward to today. My mom is reassuring me that everything will be fine but I know why this happened. I sank so low as to use cancer as an excuse to try to get out of work because of a mental breakdown caused by my own selfish actions. Don't let it come off as I've changed because I still steal things just not risky things. I know why this happened but I don't why it had to happened to such a good person like her, then I remember.
Electrivire: Just to clarify, are you saying you think you're responsible for your mother getting cancer?
ScrottyMcBoogerBall: No it a coincidence but it's an eye opener
Electrivire: Ok, just try not to blame yourself in any way. You may want to try and change your lifestyle a little bit, but if you're not hurting anyone i don't see what you're doing as awful, just maybe not very good-hearted.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1403734800 | 1403756686 | t3_293jtj | t5_2to41 | 14 | thefuckupthrowaway: TIFU by masturbating during the day.
So a little context. My door has no door knob and does not shut all the way. It's been like that for many years now. Anyway. I had just started taking anxiety medication so as of now it takes me a while to reach orgasm. As I was finally close to climax my mom comes in saying "ARE YOU OKAY!?" I guess she thought I must have been having a seizure since I was climaxing AS SHE WAS COMING IN THE DOOR. She then kind of stood there for 3 seconds until I think she realized what was going on. She just said "Well let me know if you wanted to eat.." and walked out. I have never been caught before this ever. It's very embarrassing, at least for me.
sirbissel: [Well...](http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k64/jr_scot_goalie/Mallrats-Halloran.jpg)
thefuckupthrowaway: Haha what
sirbissel: [Some context](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A_n_zwIZk4)
thefuckupthrowaway: That was funny thanks for sharing. :)
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1403734981 | 1403777623 | t3_293k4a | t5_2to41 | 173 | tpettus: TIFU by taking a potential murder weapon as a tip
So... I have to do deliveries sometimes at work when the regular delivery guy calls out. We have to deliver to some pretty rough places.. And today a lady asked me to unload her .380 for her because her hands are weak (yes, one was in the chamber). She then insisted that I take this knife as a tip. I refused it twice, but she said she's Native American and that refusing it would be disrespectful, so I ended up taking it.
After I left, I realized that my prints are now on that gun, I have possession of her knife, and that she's probably going to try to frame me for murder.
USArentAmerica: Call the Police dept. and explain exactly what you just told here?
lookatthisthrowaway3: I'd call a lawyer rather than the police... I know a guy who found a crap ton of weed in the spare tire well of a used vehicle he purchased. He went straight to the police station and tried to explain the situation. Got arrested on the spot. He didn't end up going to jail or getting charges because of the situation but the police assumed right away that he was guilty
corrugatedjuice: Wtf free weed. Why would you tell the cops.
lookatthisthrowaway3: He's a pretty religious guy
muskratboy: Religious about being an idiot, maybe.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: Just because you find pot doesn't mean you smoke pot.
crushbang: But it's always a good time to start.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: We'll have to agree to disagree on that.
| 9 | 19.222222 | |
1403735244 | 1403821139 | t3_293klk | t5_2to41 | 12 | onemanlan: TIFU by thinking a funeral procession was traffic
Ok, up front I'll admit this didn't happen today, but about 5 years ago before I knew about this sub, but it's one of my more regretful fuck ups.
So I live in Alabama and grew up close to the biggest city we have, Birmingham, so as far as Alabama goes its the least rural you can get living here. At the time I was attending college ~100 miles away in Auburn, AL. The stretch between the two places, highway 280, runs through several smaller towns, collectives and farm lands. Nothing too special between here and there.
Well I was on the way back to Auburn from visiting my folks in Birmingham. The dreaded 1.25 hour ride back home through nowhere's villes. It was long, slow, and at this point in my college career boring. I knew where I could speed and where I couldn't. So I was making my way back home through the outskirts of a smaller city, Sylicaga, when I ran across heavy traffic. This was a place where there is nearly ever heavy traffic nor at a time, like rush hour, that would warrant it.
'What the fuck is this!? Damn it I just want to be back home!' Both lanes on a two lane highway were packed bumper to bumper going ~20-30 miles per hour.
To note on a typical drive between the two town there are varying amounts of traffic depending on where you are along the routes. You get used to navigating around the slow pokes in town areas to get on your way. This is what I began to do.
I forced myself into small gaps where I could find and take them. Slowly I was progressing through this stupid jam packed shit mess. 'Fuck, what is up ahead causing the hold up? Truckers? A wreck?' I thought to myself while advancing through the pack of cars.
Well the road pans out in a way to see the front of the traffic mass as I was about 2/3 through. They were taking a turn off the highway... and it was lead by a Hearse.
Around me, now aware of the fact, all that could be seen were of disgust from nearby drivers and attendants of the funeral. Might as well have kicked over the casket as far as they were concerned or at least their looks conveyed it. I sank through my skin into the seat. I recall feeling the deepest self-shame ever experienced to this day.
The look back on it makes me cringe. What was unfamiliar to me at the time was that procession occur in smaller towns and is customary to pull over and allow them to pass, or trail behind, as a sign of respect. This was not a familiar concept to me at the time given where I grew up.
That was a learning experience riddled with shame and embarrassment.
TL DR: Thought I ran into traffic, but turns out it was a funeral procession in a small town that I was tried zig zagging through.
[deleted]: Hearse. Not herst
onemanlan: > Hearse
Doh, thank you!
[deleted]: You're welcome :)
| 4 | 3 | |
1403738858 | 1405493280 | t3_293qf4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | macaskill_: TIFU thinking I'd be here reading posts about things that happened today
cheertina: Today you fucked up by not reading rule 1.
macaskill_: fair, though wouldn't it make more sense simply for an acronym to be accurate rather than having to designate a rule to its amendment?
cheertina: Maybe, but recognizability is more important than strict accuracy, IMO
macaskill_: in this context, I guess I'd agree with you.
this post has gone from TIFU to TIL, and so too will many others as I trial-by-fire my way into proper reddiquette.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1403740770 | 1403792558 | t3_293td8 | t5_2to41 | 338 | FourChainz: TIFU by getting head in the movie theater
So I'm back home for the summer, and I decide to go on a date to the movies with an old girlfriend. We still hang out and fool around all the time so it wasn't anything weird. Anyways, we agree to watch How To Train Your Dragon 2.
In order to fight the system and avoid paying $20 on snacks, we sneak in some of our own soda and a bag of hot cheetos.
We get our seats and the movie's relatively empty. About halfway we get frisky and start making out, and eventually she starts rubbing her hand all up on my crotch. She starts giving me head, which is rare because she hates cum.
I'm about to finish but she would kill me if I came in her mouth, so I grab the nearest thing which is the hot cheetos bag. As I finish, I stick my jefe into the bag, filled with relief. But not a second later do I regret my decision. The flakes of hot cheetos have latched onto my member and it begins burning. I'm in the middle of How to Train Your Dragon 2 crying, with hot cheeto dick, and my girlfriend starts laughing uncontrollably. People begin turning around, and I end up just running out of the theater, dick burning, and jizz cheetos in hand.
tldr: movie head + sneaking in snacks = hot cheeto dick
edit: for those curious, it was an afternoon show on a weekday, so there were maybe four people there, no kids, and we sat far in the back
LiberDeOpp: Haha nice but remember the people in the projection room can see everything and being exposed around children will get you put on the sex offender list.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: As someone who has worked in several theatres, those windows we can see into the room, are very small. Sure we can see most of the seats, but smart people sit in the last 3-5 rows, where no one can see.
RugbyAndBeer: Is there someone in the projection room these days? With the digital projectors, don't they just press "play" and leave?
unsuspectingpanda: Yes we still need to maintain the projector but my main job is turning off the lights.
RugbyAndBeer: Do you sit in the box for two hours, or do you handle multiple theaters at a time now?
unsuspectingpanda: I handle all the theaters
RugbyAndBeer: And the oldschool projectionists... with the whole cigarette burn from fight club... they had to sit in there the whole time, right?
shirtandtieler: In the older days before digital film, yes. This was because there were multiple reels that had to be used for one movie. So the person in the projection room would have to time it right where they would remove the first reel and replace it with the second.
| 9 | 37.555556 | |
1403742599 | 1403943725 | t3_293w47 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by brushing my teeth with my cum
Today is my first day of summer break, and after celebrating yesterday with some friends, I got home exhausted and skipped showering, which I regularly do in the evening.
This morning I woke up really horny, but I decided against rubbing one out in bed. I didn't smell great, so I went to take a shower so I could do the deed there instead. As I was ready to step in the shower, I was already well into my fap and for whatever reason (discovering a new fetish?) I decided to instead just watch myself jerk off. However, in order to get a full view of myself on the bathroom mirror, I had to step onto my toilet. I was especially enjoying myself this time, and finishing quicker than I anticipated. I thought I had caught most of my jizz with my hands, but by this point my BO along with the scent of my cum hit me hard, so I jumped into the shower and spent a long time washing myself. By the time I stepped out I forgot of my plan to inspect my bathroom for any stray spermlets.
I grab my toothbrush and immediately stick it into my mouth to loosen up any pieces of food before putting on toothpaste. After about 2 seconds I taste something really strange and immediately start gagging. It turns out that I hadn't actually caught all of my cum, and my first shots got onto my toothbrush which I leave on my sink's counter, and was in the same direction as I had been jerking off.
tl;dr: Unknowingly came on my toothbrush, proceeded to brush my teeth with it.
Thermohaline: Don't want to scare you, but rubbing cocaine on your gums is how you get addicted.
uui8457: Does that include gagging too?
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1403742740 | 1403744495 | t3_293wc7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing a dildo into work.
I've been working at this place for about 1 month. I work for a large company and have 12 hour shifts so by the end of a shift, we are always bored out of our minds. Well, I had two dildos in the trunk of my car from a previous gift/joke from my friends. Well, I brought them both inside the building and placed one into a guys jacket. He was brand new and happened to be one of our customers per say. He put his jacket on to do changover and found it after placing his hand in his pocket. He then placed it on a chair for everyone to see, of whom we don't really know. The next boss tried to get me fired. It took over a month to know what HR was going to do about the situation. They had to see if it has happened before. Rest assured, it hasn't. I got a written warning and now they brief it to everyone that is about to begin with said company.
LiberDeOpp: That's hilarious but really stupid. How old are you and where do you work?
mfilosa17: I work in a government building and I was 21. Happened a little while back. The VP of our company sat down and talked to me about it. She couldn't keep a straight face but obviously it was "inappropriate"
LiberDeOpp: I figured you were a young female. I'm really surprised you weren't fired due to sexual harassment problems. It helps your boss was female not that guys don't get the same favors. I guess you learned something?
mfilosa17: Nope, I'm a dude, and straight lol The girl that was having a problem with it definitely through out sexual harassment but she didn't work for my company. Yup, no more jokes at work.
LiberDeOpp: Yeah man that's really stupid I cringe at the thought of women being allowed in combat positions for the military because this exact thing. Seriously we talk about sex 50% of downtime.
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1403740133 | 1403743894 | t3_293sex | t5_2to41 | 2 | ReasonedBeing: TIFU by using facial toner as a body mist for 2 months.
I got a sample of "June Jacobs Vanda Orchid Mist" in a beauty box that I ordered online. It has a delicate rose smell, and it's very refreshing to spritz on my body on a hot day! I'm almost out of the sample bottle, so I went to re-order a full size online. Found out that it is *facial toner.*
My question is, do you think it really matters if I keep using it as a body spray? I would think that body sprays and toners are mostly alcohol anyway.
monimoo: i don't think it would make a difference tbh, the ingredients for toner and spray are pretty similar. And toner is good for your skin as well, it won't damage it, and if your skin hasn't been affected plus you like the smell it really doesn't matter. :)
ReasonedBeing: Okay, thanks for the vote of confidence! I will continue to enjoy using it as a body spray :)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403745260 | 1403827075 | t3_29408x | t5_2to41 | 411 | Sneezy_oops: TIFU by sneezing while on my period.
Throw away because clearly I'm embarrassed.
Short and simple.
I was doing a presentation in front of 50 or so people at my job today. I was wearing a knee length skirt and and a thong. I sneeze so hard my tampon came flying out if my vagina like a bat out of hell and landed in a huge bloody mess on the floor.
sweetxsour35: This is why I don't wear a thong for one week out of the month.
MyNameIsSkittles: I don't wear thongs, but I certainly wouldn't wear them during that week either.
gradou: Me neither. And i'm a guy.
Silverlight42: i'd consider it... but then again I avoid doing presentations in front of rooms full of people, and when I do i'm generally sitting down. Plus i'm a guy so I don't ordinarily use tampons.
Etbidlepro: | ordinarily use tampons
What, do you use them in the rare case you have a nose bleed?
Silverlight42: I haven't yet but I am aware of that application. I was hoping someone would mention it! They are excellent absorbers.
| 7 | 58.714286 | |
1403736311 | 1403796554 | t3_293me6 | t5_2to41 | 93 | RedBullCookie: TIFU by slapping myself with my pad. [NSFW-ish]
Just like any month, my strawberry week will come around and plague me.
The amazing feeling of cramps and mood shifts, along with me carving for sweets.
So, as any other girl I've got to do business and change my pad, yes I prefer pads to tampons, let's not discuss that.
While I sit down I slowly remove the pad from my underwear, holding it on my right hand, ready to grab some toilet roll and wrap it nicely around it. And there it is, slowly hanging down, this huge black something just infront of my eyes swiftly crawling down on a spiderthread now almost reaching my nose - it was too late for me to process what is happening and I acted out of instinct - SLAP!. The next moment I feel this warm moisturized thing in my face, I had my mouth slightly opened, my eyes wide open, I started realizing what the fuck just happened before my mouth widened even more, the pad now dropping onto the floor, I can imagine my face in that awkward situation, all I remember then was standing up from the toiletseat and running screaming into the bathroom, on the way there hitting my feet on a stupid laundry basket, and then jumping into the shower, of course the first bit of the water would be cold so that was also the cherry on top of the cake.
I just got out of the shower, the smell was splendid, I couldn't have asked for something more disturbing during such a lovely night.
Oh, I also couldn't find the spider anywhere, I hope this fucker rots in hell.
TheLameCranium: If you were already sitting on the toilet, how did you run into the bathroom?
RedBullCookie: We have got 1/2 bathrooms, basically it's the toilet alone in one room, if you may want to call it that, and exactly next to it is another room with the shower and the tub. I should post a picture to make you understand probably.
returnofthrowaway: Ah my grandparents have a bathroom like that. I always wondered why anyone would put themselves through closing that door, sealing them in a tiny room with a toilet. Its like an outhouse except less ventilation.
playhertwo: It is nice to be able to use the toilet in private while someone is in the shower.
returnofthrowaway: Yeah, I tell them to wait.
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1403744308 | 1403809855 | t3_293ynd | t5_2to41 | 31 | BlazedpolishHussar94: TIFU by getting way too high
Hello so today I fucked up badly. It all started with 8 hours of work( Im a fucking waiter). Just after work I picked up some nice shit and zjarałem(I smoked) a fat joint. I got munchies and decided the only way I can eat something now since every pizza place is closed that I have to go to the shop. It was going pretty well until I got to a line to the cashier. As he was talking to other customers I heard that he wasnt speaking normally but he was fucking singing. Like he was singing out every word with a smile on his face. I remembered that I have to be careful not to do anything stupid I just smiled and thought thats weird heh :). But what bad about last sentence is that it didnt happen. I fucking said it a loud and every turned around to look at me. I then said: oh i forgot something! And I put my things all to the shop fridge(?) and I slowly walk out of the shop. Yeah its bad enough but when I got home I realized im left fucking handed. It wouldnt be weird but I have been right handed for almost 20 years now(since the day I was born) and suddenly my left hand became stronger and I was not able to do any sort of precise moves with my right hand. I thought I have to tell someone about it and I called the place where I work. My friend answered with typical words bla bla bla how can I help you sir(she didnt know it was me) so I say hey i got lefthanded( im not sure if this word exist) and then I said-i mean my left hand is my main hand now. Bye. Sorry for my english guys im not native speaker
tyzbit: Are you still high?
tinabelcher123: i was about to ask the same thing haha
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1403746438 | 1403765736 | t3_29426n | t5_2to41 | 29 | blues-guitarist: TIFU by Taking a Shower
I consider myself a very serious athlete. I have rowed for four years, two of those at a very competivitive level. As part of this, I spend two hours a day at the gym. I head straight from work to the gym, then straight from the gym to home, where the best part of my day begins: my shower.
Allow me to set the scene- I'm dripping in sweat, two hours on the rowing machine behind me, and all I can picture is a gallon and a half per minute of wonderfully cool water flowing over my head. Relief runs through my body as I step into that glorious stream of perfection. My muslces relax, triggering a sigh, as the day's grime flows down the drain. I reach for the shampoo, my eyes half closed to gaurd against the torrent flowing down my face. I pour some into my hands, the sweet and slightly tangy scent of mint and eucalyptis piercing the air, and rub it into my scalp, a cooling sensation spreading from the crown of my head to my sideburns as the herbs take their effect. I reach for the bodywash, and fill my palm, that beautiful waterfall still caressing my back, and begin to work my way down, first cleaning my shoulders, then my back, then my gentleman's area, then finally, my ass.
Now, let me be clear, there is an art to cleaning one's ass, an art that I have, over these past four years, carefully perfected. However, this fateful day my preparation, my years of training, failed me. You see, to truly and effectively cleanse one's ass, bodywash must be applied to the entirety of one's hand, at which point the underside of the fingers can be made use of to wash away a day's worth of sweat, and perhaps the occasional determined bit of poo.
No, this fateful day I made the catastrophic mistake of delving straight into the job of ass-cleansing without first ensuring that all of my fingers were straight, and thusly prepared for the task at hand. My middle finger was, unbeknownst to me in my state of blissful relaxation, curved slightly inward, the tip offset from the tips of my other fingers. Therefore, as I slid my hand between the boys my fingers made their normal steady progress until encountering an obstacle- my asshole. Now, any other day my fingers, well lubricated as they are with soap and water, would slide right over without incident however, today, curved inward as it was, my middle finger took the path of least resitance... straight up my unpuckered virgin bung hole.
Truly there is only one thing to do in such a situation- slowly remove the offending digit, stand there like the dumbass you are, and quietly prepare for the incoming pain of eucalyptis soap in your butthole.
TL;DR Didn't even have to drop the soap
lookatthisthrowaway3: I know a guy who is an EMT with the fire department. One night they were dispatched because a man stuck a family-size bottle of herbal shampoo up his ass and couldn't get it out. He said he fell on it.
lorenzo22: most common medical reason for things stuck up the ass
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1403746562 | 1403780593 | t3_2942dh | t5_2to41 | 7 | MeatyDeathstar: TIFU by making salsa.
Today I got the genius idea to make a fresh salsa after some friends and I had taken a trip to the mexican place down the street... I ran to the grocery store with a list that included all sorts of peppers including jalapenos, habaneros, and poblanos. I got home, starting chopping everything up and tossed it all in the food processor. While it's running, my girlfriend calls saying she misses me and I need to hop on skype. She went away for summer classes so I figured the salsa can wait. I hopped on my pc, answered her call and BAM, i got sucked into a sexy time call. So, me being the horny clown I am, whip my junk out and start stroking.... I forgot to wash my fucking hands... She's on her way down here now to see me at the emergency room.
TLDR; I chopped habaneros and proceeded to masturbate to my girlfriend over skype without washing my hands.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: This seems like this is every other story on this subreddit.
MeatyDeathstar: Apparently us men are morons.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403747791 | 1403930093 | t3_29445z | t5_2to41 | 43 | Darcy115: TIFU by using my teachers computer for a presentation.
Im an ordinary, run of the mill 17y.o kid who had to present an *oral* presentation on World War 1 accompanied by a Powerpoint.
Asked my teacher for permission to use his computer, he said "Yes, go for it" (there are cameras with mic's in the room btw.
I open up the computer. MRW when I log in and its a midget giving a black man a blowjob. Teacher flips any shit he was slowly creating in his bowels at me.
He told the principal I had done it without permission (whole class and cameras to prove otherwise). Despite testimony of my whole class, I'm suspended and I have to apologise to the teacher.
*Because I opened his computer*.
witchling_22: School board.
Darcy115: No school board here in Australia (Melbourne, specifically)
witchling_22: The school system has to answer to someone?
Darcy115: No school board man (or women :p) the higher I can go to is the principal and his view is pretty clear :/
empty-pen: Bullshit. What about the Department of Education or did this not really happen at all?
Darcy115: This did happen. I don't see the point going to the BoE if it's just a suspension, if there was a group in between the school and the BoE, I'd go to them. But to escalate it that far is kind of frivolous imo.
mealbudget: It's not just a suspension tho. What grade are you in? For the rest of your schooling life, you have a mark, a file that will say 'this student broke privacy of a teacher'. And if that shit spreads around to other teachers, other professionals, other students, and other parents, you have no idea how far that shit can haunt you.
So even after you leave school. 'Yeah, I got suspended once for opening a teacher's laptop.' 'Oh yeah, that time you looked up midget porn, right?'
Get an adult that you trust to back you up and go talk to the principal and explain your side of the story. But first, talk to your head of year (the year coordinator). Or talk to a teacher you trust, or the faculty head. If none of those work, talk to the principal. If that doesn't work, talk to someone in the local department of education directly related to the hiring of school professionals and/or student disciplinary matters.
If that doesn't work, talk to your local member (yeah, a politician). All pollies hate schools and pretend to love them before cutting funding in some way. If you told them you got suspended (hindering your right to learn and access to education to make you a well functioning and educated member of society) because the teacher had midget porn and you found out, they might jump on it.
If the local member is hesitant, the member that is the minister for education. If that doesn't work, anonymously call in a police tip that a teacher at the school has active porn sites on his laptop showing during work hours (aka while he's at an educational institution).
If none of that works, you could ask IT to just check the requests by his laptop using the servers/system, because most school proxy's will have a log, and also have filters in place to block certain websites. If he's actually accessing pornhub on the school's proxy, someone has let him, or he's found a work around which means it's known that someone that wasn't a teenager was using pornhub on work computers.
It all that fails, change schools. Also remember, yeah, no one gives a shit about your school record if you work or go to uni after yr 12, but if it happened to you, it'll happen to others, and the buck can at least stop with you if you try.
Source: I am an a Australian and worked 2 years as a assistive learning tutor, and have 2 good friends who are high school teachers.
empty-pen: This answer is so much better than mine. Maybe I'm just jaded to stories where someones says "I tried nothing so nothing can be done". Maybe its OP straight up saying there is no school board and so on. There is always a higher up, your Head Teacher/Principle could be the Minister for Education but even they answer to the PM. Also sorry for my rambling most of it Isn't directed at you :(
mealbudget: :P it's fine
In Australia the different states have different 'chains of command' so to speak for education. And Territories have different ones again.
But most of the states are very similar in how they 'handle things'. And most schools don't have a board, they have a committee or a board. People still have to make decisions on how the public money is spent. Unless OP goes to a private school, then it's a committee I think, but the avenues are still the same.
A teacher access porn during work hours on their laptop is really bad. This is a place children are supposed to feel safe and not have to worry about such things. Plus midgets, shorter people, children, sucking black dick, what? o_O
It's probably all made up anyway
empty-pen: Oh I didn't even think of private schools. But yeah there would still be someone to go to. I should just read these posts and move on. No need get my jimmies rustled over something that probably didn't happen.
mealbudget: :P it's an entertaining read. there was those two posts a couple of days ago where 1 OP was pretending to be two people who had found each other and were pretending to be a long lost brother or some shit?
like, that's an entertaining read. you don't invest yourself into it, it's like reading /r/funny :P
but then that post from the emergency line as an operator, and taking the call but giving the wrong address and fucking up, and essentially leading to someone's death. That's a real TIFU, imo. Sure, it could still be made up, but that's no longer entertaining, that's kind of sad. And you actually see someone's misery on the screen. And the top comment from that post was pretty spectacular.
But yeah, all of reddit, especially /r/all, with a massive bag of salt :P
| 12 | 3.583333 | |
1403748797 | 1403952471 | t3_2945p1 | t5_2to41 | 16 | HeWhoSmilesForMoney: TIFU by sitting down to pee.
Background: I am a guy and I have a forest of overachieving butt hairs.
I was tired, hungry, and needed a moment off my feet after work. Went to the restroom and started to enjoy a well deserved seated pee. Out of the blue, a moth flew into the toilet bowl and up into my butt hair. I desperately tried to get it out, but had no success. The moth squirmed and wiggled in an attempt to break free. I've now peed all over myself as I continue to freak out and claw at the moth. In my haste and panic, I flexed my butt.
No amount of showering can wash away the graveyard that now sits at my back door.
sniss-o-matic: RIP ass moth
pbanken: Only the good die young.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1403749640 | 1403940666 | t3_2946y1 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by making an entire classroom tear up. (Maybe NSFW?)
Just like every thread on this sub, this happened a while back. In grade 12 I was in a history class, we were just getting lectured by a teacher and he was a chill guy so I remember specifically pulling out a tupperware filled with about two servings of Kraft Dinner with hot dogs, anyways as the class goes on I keep having silent farts and nobody noticed or complains about the smell so I was in the clear...
As the class progressed, my teacher started talking about this giant project which was worth like 15% of our final mark, and i had to fart so bad, so I thought it was no big deal to let a big one go since I thought it was going to be silent...
Literally lasted about 25 seconds, just wouldn't stop, the whole class was staring at me, 25 seconds of a disgusting wet warm fart. I looked around and everyone in the room had their shirts around there mouths and nose and tears rolling from there eyes, teacher refused to stop teaching because of the importance.
TL;DR Ate too much KD, let the raunchiest fart in history (lol get it) go, probably scarred some people, tweeted about it after.
boltdodger85: Sounds like a terence and phillip episode. "Kraft Dinner"... who says that?
redoverture: Thank god.. not the only one to notice that.
| 3 | 5 | |
1403752604 | 1403757595 | t3_294b6v | t5_2to41 | 8 | walkingspastic: TIFU My kitten's first bath
Today I gave my new Maine Coon her first bath, as apparently it's best to get them used to it in case they get stinky later on. All that fur and whatnot.
The battle was tremendous, as Arya did not let the fact that she's only 9 weeks and about 4 pounds stop her from ripping into my flesh like a legion of the undead. The noise was otherworldy, as if someone was skinning small infants before dipping them into vats of salt water to make an orchestra of wailing. Blood and fur flew all over the bathroom, soap got into cuts and kitten eyes alike, but finally she was clean.
I struggled to get the soaking wad of fur from the bathroom into my room so my roommate didn't have to deal with the racket any longer. Not paying any attention to anything but my decimated forearms, I picked a towel up off the floor and dried the spastic feline as quickly as I could before depositing her on the bed so I could tend to my wounds.
It's only after I peered into the mirror and saw hickies all over my neck that I remember the crazy sex my SO and I had the night before. I'm talking 4 rounds of hardcore bondage with squirting and just buckets of cum and/or other bodily fluids that took two full-sized bath towels to clean up. One of which I'd left on the floor of my bedroom just in case we woke up from our sex stupor and continued where we left off.
And that was when I realized the kitten was crusty and reeked of sex...
Needless to say, the second bath was much more difficult. Stuffing a damp cum-covered cat back into a tub they just vacated is a life experience I could have lived without. Now I'm going to attempt to stitch myself back together before I pass out from blood loss and then I get to explain to my SO why I never want to hear "I want to cum all over your pussy" ever EVER again.
TL;DR - survived epic battle to give Maine Coon kitten a bath only to dry her off with a towel covered in sex juices.
[deleted]: Your life sounds amazing.
walkingspastic: Haha not sure if being sarcastic but I'd say it's going alright. Save for my new battle scars!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403755622 | 1403826037 | t3_294fc8 | t5_2to41 | 2,444 | Phalco: TIFU by outing finding out someone's username.
A little backstory, my brother has been missing since 2007. We have had police, fbi, and private investigators looking for him. He was all I had growing up between households. Our parents were divorced and we swapped between different parents/step parents our whole life. We had a good bond. Well a couple days ago I was browsing this subreddit and saw a comment that reminded me of a memory we shared so, I sent the reddit or (deleted) a personal message. The message just stated my brothers name (Jarrod) with a question mark at the end. A few hours later he responded "fuck you how did you know that". So I said that I was his brother and that I had been searching for him for a long time, tried a few other messages to no avail. Finally today I sent him a message to just Google his name (Jarrod (no personal info so I removed last name )). And so I waited.... and waited. I got distracted so I let a few hours slip by. I finally checked back and I had a message that said "shit", but it was from [deleted], and so was the other post. And now I'm just sitting here wondering what the fuck i did wrong.
Tl;dr Outed someone's username, he told me to go fuck myself, I told him to go Google himself, then he shit and disappeared.
Edit: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/294rzv/tifu_by_accidentally_convincing_a_guy_i_am_his/
anidrin: My brother disappeared in 2008. Damn, I don't know that I'd do anything different from you either. I'm subscribing to this to keep updated. I hope he reaches out to you and you find him after all of these years. Good luck.
Phalco: Man... me to. I don't know why he would delete his profile and not talk to me. The only reason I posted this is because I know he browses this subreddit too. I stalked his profile for two days just waiting for some hint that I wasn't crazy and that it was indeed him.
a_shootin_star: Do you remember his username on reddit? Look that up on Google. Maybe you can find his other online profiles or even cached pages of reddit and try to pinpoint where he lives; and set a meet up. Lure him if you have to.
Unless the person you messaged was faking to be your brother. Does your brother know your name Phalco ?
Best of luck in finding your brother.
edit: So apparently the person who /u/Phalco thought was his brother was actually someone else; http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/294rzv/tifu_by_accidentally_convincing_a_guy_i_am_his/cihf1qa
step1: He doesn't want to meet up. That's the point of deleting his account. He is done with that part of his life. Unfortunately for OP, this is just how some people are. Maybe one day he will come around, but not now.
Testiculese: If my sister ever found this account, I'd burn down the whole neighborhood to get away.
pugler18: does your sister have a reddit account so i can ermh... whisper in her ear something that involves testiculese...
WeirdIdeasCO: Quit being creepy
pugler18: I knew someone was going to say that. I WASNT SPEAKING ABOUT MINE I WAS SPEAKING ABOUT THE GUYS NAME
WeirdIdeasCO: No I get you were making a pun of the username. Doesn't stop it from being creepy.
Pure_Michigan_: Hellooooo
| 11 | 222.181818 | |
1403755233 | 1403815357 | t3_294er9 | t5_2to41 | 99 | louderplease1: (Semi NSFW) TIFU by my mom walking in on me masturbating and moaning
So, me(girl) and my boyfriend for 10 months were on the phone. We both have a fetish and we love to hear each other moan. Often, when we're on the phone, we will moan. Its kinda like we're whales and were using a mating call. This morning was like a regular morning. I didn't have to go into work until nine and my boyfriend works evenings so I called him up. I was feeling super horny so when he started to moan I began touching myself. After about five minutes of that back and forth, I began to feel the sweet sensation of an orgasm coming. I tense up, ready for release, and my mom walks in. I watched her as she stared from my face, to my hand, and back to my face. Usually in the mornings she's out walking, so I didn't think of locking the door. She mentioned something about calling my father and closed the door. I went to work and have gone to a friends house since. I'm to afraid to go back. I guess this is a good time to move out.
RedditRegisturd: I think you're gonna be okay. Just own it. Give your mom a shrug and immediately change the subject. Maybe pick a chore or two to ease the.... transition to having that visual seared in her eyes. Lock your door already.
louderplease1: Yeah, I really didn't think that one through. Just got caught up in the moment. Thanks though
RedditRegisturd: It happens. You're okay. Reddit forgives you even if your ma doesn't. You got that going for you.
louderplease1: As long as reddit forgives me I'm okay
IOUaUsername: Seriously, a lot of people get walked in on (parents and teenagers) while masturbating. Besides, at least you weren't watching donkey porn or something, you were on the phone with somebody you're in a committed relationship with. As far as being caught masturbating, your story is about as lucky as it gets.
| 6 | 16.5 | |
1403749837 | 1403823758 | t3_29477r | t5_2to41 | 109 | TouchyJoFeely: TIFU by factory resetting my phone [NSFW]
Today started off like any other day.. Until I realized that my phone was acting odd. I contacted the wonderful people at the ZTE tech line and was informed to reset the phone. After doing so, I thought the easiest way to retrieve all of my lost contact information would be to send a group message to family and friends on a popular social site.. should have seen it coming.. The first response was from a friend sending me a lovely picture of a big breasted woman. Haha, funny, no biggie. Immediately afterwards, as if to trump him, another friend posted A LARGE GAPING ASSHOLE.. I mean, this woman should seek medical attention.. So now, I'm waiting on messages from my Grandma, Mom, Dad, literally half of my family reunion about why there was a large gaping asshole patiently awaiting in their inbox like a sneaky anal ninja, stealthily hiding to duck up their day.. hooray..
Tl;dr: My friends are literal assholes..
[deleted]: Suggestion: erase evidence of past; change identity; flee country. Who is Touchy...?
TouchyJoFeely: Update: My father called me, laughing so hard he told me that he spit beer all over his computer.. When I asked him for my grandmas number to try and contact her for a little damage control his response was (and I quote) "Fuck that, it'll be hysterical when she wakes up to a prolapse in her inbox!!".. .. I love my family..
IOUaUsername: TYL your father watches prolapse porn.
TouchyJoFeely: But somehow, I wasn't surprised..
IOUaUsername: TIL you watch porn with your father.
TouchyJoFeely: ... Do you not?
| 7 | 15.571429 | |
1403756119 | 1403790699 | t3_294fz9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | SalvaXr: TIFU by deleting all my music collection.
So I'm installing Windows 8.1 since I got it for free thanks to my University, and apparently my music wasn't copied to the external hard drive when I was doing the back up.
FML.
pinkfloyd52998: How much did you loose? 10GB? 30GB? 100GB? 1TB?
SalvaXr: Nearly 50GB, not much really, but there were many random singles by obscure bands, I'll just buy the CDs from now on I guess haha
pinkfloyd52998: Not that bad I guess.... I have about 60-70GB about 6500 songs.. If you had them or bought them offline somewhere couldn't you go back and retrieve/download it?
SalvaXr: It was a collection gathered from pirate songs my dad, sister and me downloaded, plus many more that I added through the years, so I might get a few back, but only a fraction of what I deleted :(
pinkfloyd52998: Oh, pirated songs :p the way the rest of the world gets there music lol.. But yeah :/ that sucks. OP I hope you get some of your music back!
| 6 | 1 | |
1403759100 | 1403767635 | t3_294jmq | t5_2to41 | 8 | Swaggosauras: TIFU by going in my parents bedroom at night
My parents were going to bed, and my mom said to me "It's late! You should go to bed..."
I replied something ignorant, and after I felt bad. When I went to bed 30 minutes later, I wanted to go into their bedroom and say goodnight, so I opened the door...and...
The shuffle sound coming from their bed and a lack of clothing...the epitome of cringe moments.
TLDR; I went into my parents bedroom at night and interrupted their sex and the awkwardness
ProfessorDrewseph: Next time you'll learn that the idea of privacy is ruined as a parent with children who live in the house. Make up for it by leaving the house and stressing what time you'll be back, no sooner!
Don't be weird about it though, nothing is a worse turnoff than your kid encouraging you to have sex
leon3546: *"ALRIIIGHT, Dad!"*
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403757355 | 1403911766 | t3_294hkw | t5_2to41 | 11 | DrBobvious: TIFU by trying to mail a package.
For the past two years I've been going to school full-time for Mechanical Engineering, and working as a welder full-time for a defense contractor that builds submarines for the Navy. I was part of a crew of "tank rats" that built a specific section of the sub. A typical day involved cramming myself into a cube that was five feet wide, five feet long, and only about forty inches tall. Temperatures would start out at well over 125 °F, and increase as we begun welding. Needless to say, this job, combined with going to school, had taken a mental toll on me, and it was only a matter of time before I fucked up.
I had to return some books that I rented online, and the due date was coming up. I had the books in a box in my car, and I was trying to figure out how to mail this package, and get to school on time. I only have just enough time to get home from work, take a shower, eat, then leave for school. That’s when I remembered a roll of tape I had in my work locker, I had gotten it from the tool room over a year ago and only used it once. So I had the bright idea to take it with me, because I thought I didn't have any time to buy tape. Normally I go to the back parking lot where fewer people park, but that day it just happened to be full. So as I was leaving the front gate I noticed a security guard holding the gate open. Normally we have to use our badges to go through a turnstile, but at the front gate they occasionally leave the gate open to prevent a cluster-fuck at the turnstile as the shifts change. And realizing it would look suspicious if I turned away I tried to casually saunter through the gate when I hear the guard say: "Excuse me sir, would you mind stepping out of line." My heart drops and this is the closest I've ever came to pissing my pants, felt a few drops come out.
Fast forward to a month later: official ruling comes down from the corporate big wigs at Mt. Olympus, and I lost my job. I've never done something so stupid before in my entire life, but I feel relieved in a way, as I get to find a better job. I loved the pride of being able to say I built Nuclear Submarines, and it was the first job I had that I considered to be a career, but I hated the bureaucratic bullshit, and politics of working for a large company.
TL;DR Stole a roll of tape from work to mail college books, got fired.
Cylon_Toast: I don't understand. How can they fire you for using their tape?
DrBobvious: Cause I was caught trying to take it off company property.
Cylon_Toast: It's just tape.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1403759982 | 1404013183 | t3_294knv | t5_2to41 | 21 | MyLeftNutRuinedIt: TIFU by inadvertently sacrificing my sausage for my ankle.
Well, I'm back with another incident related to my manly-bits. Although not related to my testicles this time... Thankfully?....
 
Anyways, I should start by explaining that my ankle has been a bit screwed up. I twisted it or something yesterday and have been trying to be as easy on it as possible. So far so good.
 
Back to tonight, I had gone to bed early hoping to get some extra rest and let my ankle heal. Again, so far so good. However, I woke up to the sound of an early summer thunderstorm.
Now don't get me wrong, thunderstorms are great and all... but they make me need to use the bathroom. This is where the fuckup really starts to take shape. For whatever reason, I got the bright idea to waddle over to the bathroom on my knees. I guess I thought that I could be even more gentile on my ankle this way or something...
Anyways, I waddle out the door to the bathroom, shut the door, and get to business.
Still standing on my knees, kneeling I guess, I lift up the solid hardwood toilet seat cover and seat combo, whip out my jonhson and let loose. Being tired, I go hands free, close my eyes, and relax a bit... bad idea.
I suddenly became aware of a creaking sound. Unsure as to what this sound was from, I open my eyes just in time to be met with an absolutely mortifying image. The image of the heavy, hardwood toilet seat swinging down towards my semi-firm, morning-woody pecker. There was nothing I could do but flinch.
The seat came down with a sickening THUD.
 
So here I am. Wide awake in the middle of the night with a swollen, beat up dick writing this shitty story down for whoever might get a laugh of it for some reason.
 
**TL;DR: Got my lady-killer clapped by a toilet seat on a dark and stormy night.**
 
Oh, before anyone asks.. NO. No pics. I don't care about your need to see pictures to believe that my dick is all swollen and bruised up. I'm NOT posting that shit on the internet. ^^Sick ^^fucks..
toooquiet: Hands free? The fuck does that mean?
MyLeftNutRuinedIt: Y'know, when it's taking a long time and you just kinda... let it hang there? Is that not something that most people do?...
CelestialOtter: I tried once... Things went *okay*
shockubu: I tried a few times. It never went well.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1403763455 | 1403765316 | t3_294of1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my heel, projectile vomiting, drunken sex and so much more... NSFW
*Obviously not a TIFU as this happened two weeks ago, so TWAIFU I guess. Was too embarrassed to write about this before now, but I think you guys will appreciate this too much for me to not share it.
**Backstory: I am 26 years old (a month away from being 27) and I am currently living in a hostel. For those who have ever done the backpacking scene, you'll know that hostels are all about getting drunk and having sex and doing lots of fun stupid shit. So I might be 26 but we all act like we're about 16 or 17 and seriously, these have been the best months of my life living here! I've had many drunken nights, many crazy experiences and done so much stuff I could never have imagined - basically, it's been pretty wild and I love it most of the time.**
Having been living at the same hostel for almost 6 months now, obviously I'm the long-termer. There's a few of us, so we're the party-starters, we know the rules and we know the play. On Friday the 13th which was also a full moon, I was pee-my-pants excited! I organised a massive party where I'd make a wicked 80's playlist of some rap and hiphop, some rock and some heavy punk. We got dressed up and I put up a poster and got EVERYONE really into the whole idea. I was absolutely the instigator and I felt great about it - my first party I'd planned from start to finish here!
I also got $3 from everyone and made a HUGE goon punch. Now, a goon punch is this... in Australia we have cask wine which is extremely cheap and extremely shit - $12 for 4 litres of "you-will-get-fucked-uuup" wine. It tastes awful but it's damned strong so it does the job. So I got 4 cask wines (the owner paid for these), 2 bottles of vodka, 2 bottles of sparkling wine, some dry ginger ale, 6 litres of juice and I also added in some jelly (to look like brains for spooky Friday 13th) and some passionfruit (to look like flies).
It was massive and there were 30 people ready to drink. The goon-punch came out at about 9:30, but most people (myself included) had been drinking since about 6 or 7.
I'd already enjoyed 6 craft beers (I LOOOVE a good craft beer) and I was rather tipsy, being generally loud but people were loving it - we were playing drinking games and talking shit and the music was cranking. Now, I should also point out that I forgot to have dinner as I was enjoying this party and drinking so much.
I bring out the goon punch and skull my first glass in front of everyone, then I start serving up everyone else's. During serving up 30 glasses of goon punch for everyone else as they are lined up, I skull down another two glasses. I'm feeling it.
I finish serving everyone for their first and second drinks, and I've had who knows how much by this stage. I go to sit down with my last cup of goon punch for the night - I'm fucking done, I can't drink anymore but I'm partying and we're all chatting and laughing and running around like it's 1999.
After an hour or so, I need to go to the bathroom for a wee and on my way there I trip over on the grass and have my first little vomit for the night. I remember thinking to myself "oh, haha, that was lucky. that's my vomiting for the night done" and I continue to the toilet, have my wee uninterrupted and head back to the table to continue the party. I'm already having blackouts in my memory at this stage. I'm what we call in Australia as "wasted".
People are slowly diminishing, either heading to the beach or to bed, and the people from my table are all leaving. I go to the kitchen, turn the music up and find a big bunch of people in and around the kitchen to talk to.
All of a sudden, one of my friends says something insulting (jokingly) to me and I go to chase him to give him a friendly punch on the arm. He runs down some stairs and he's quickly getting away from my drunk arse. Instead of taking the steps one by one I jump down all 6, knowing it'll be faster to catch up to him. But I am barefoot and I land on a pointy-ish rubber door mat on my heel and then all of a sudden, I can't walk on it. Shit. I limp back to the kitchen and stop thinking about it. Because I'm drunk.
I keep chatting to the people around the kitchen and all of a sudden, I'm standing next to this super cute guy with the sexiest smile, who also happens to look like he's about 16 years old. He's one of the cutest guys ever and his smile MELTS me inside but had I been sober, I could never have gotten the courage to be with him. Because he looks like he's 16. But I'm drunk. He's got this massive camera and I take a few photos of him and then I hand it back and he passes it to someone else. All of a sudden him and I are having one of the most incredible make-out sessions of my life and I'm so freaking horny as it has been over a month since I'd been with a guy. They are taking photos of us making out and I don't care because all I can think about it having this guy inside me and making me cry out in ecstasy.
He takes my hand. I follow. It's happening. We get to his room, and I'm naked before he even has his pants off. Shit - he's in the top bunk. Okay, fuck it. We climb on up. I have NO IDEA (still to this day) if there was anyone else in the room - the lights were off and ... oh yes, that's right, I was drunk.
We start making out again and he's grabbing my tits and he's got the condom on and he's inside me and he's sucking and biting on my nipples and I'm loud. God I'm loud. I had no self control and I was loving it. Of course, that was, until I threw up a little bit over the side of the bed. But it was only a little bit, so whatever, we keep on going.
And then I vomit again off the side of the bed. And again. And again - projectile vomit all over the floor and on the bed below us. And then I vomit a little bit on myself and I'm sure there was some on him too. That's enough. I'm thinking "well that's fucking spoiled the mood." He gets off the bed and starts wiping it up with clothes that were on the floor (his and mine, presumably).
We decide that's enough and I put my jeans back on (thank god I found them but yes, they had vomit on them too) and find my cardigan and hold it over my tits as I do the walk of shame back to my own bedroom. As I come out of his room I run into one of my friends, who just starts laughing and he says something like "oooh you naughty little thing" and I just mumble some drunken shit and continue on my way. I get to my room, no idea if anyone's in there and I just strip off my vomit clothes and put them in a pile in the corner and get into bed naked.
I wake up who knows how long later and I need to vomit. Right now. I get up, totally naked and stumble to the door and vomit directly outside the door. I later found out it wasn't just a 5 second vomit like I thought, but about 1-2 minutes of heaving and vomiting. Man, I'm such a classy lady - as it turns out my male roommate saw the entire thing... with my ass in his direction as I kept him awake.
I go back to bed, wake up with my alarm going off and then reality hits. I have work at 8:30 and I am hungover as shit, and I can't face a single person from last night. Completely ashamed. Have a 30 minute shower and head to work.
After work for 2.5 hours on my broken heel, went to the doctor who said I'd need xrays. Then I came back to the hostel and went back to bed to avoid the embarrassment.
To top it all off, the potential 16 year old was actually 22 (thank goodness, and well, obviously, he's a backpacker so had to be 18 or over) and absolutely everyone knew what happened and I couldn't ah, live it down for over a week until most of the people who knew had left.
I lost a pair of flip flops, my undies, my favourite bra and a singlet top that night, along with $15 and my dignity. 22 year old actually stayed for the next week, he just kept booking night after night again, and the worst part is? I liked him, a lot. And I fucked that one up by never being able to look him in the eye again. And because I was such a loser by thinking I could never get with him because he looked so young... Man that was judgemental of me.
I washed my clothes, twice, before the smell of vomit came out. I never found my clothes, I assume they'd been vomit filled and some poor soul had to throw them out.
And the worst part? Turns out all the vomiting of mine had mostly been onto the girls clothes who was staying in the bottom bunk. She also stayed for another week... just my luck, eh?
**TL;DR - broken heel, mad drunken sex with 22 yr old who looked 16 or younger, vomited alllll over someone else's room (including some poor girls bed below and her entire wardrobe of clothes) and then showed my full moon for a good couple of minutes to one of my roommates who i kept awake while vomiting up my shame from the night. and it's all my fault because i instigated the party and got everyone drunk, myself included.**
[deleted]: Lesson learned? Or do you need to rinse and repeat?
holsandbike: lesson learned - goon punch is never a good idea! stick to the beers and i'll be golden.
[deleted]: I suggest less party? :) have fun
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1403767175 | 1403804052 | t3_294rzv | t5_2to41 | 2,208 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally convincing a guy I am his missing brother
anamea: Unless this is the troll...
incster10: Hold on. If Phalco thinks OP is his brother, why the hell would he ask OP to google his own (or his) name? Either OP IS his bro and doesn't need to google since he already knows, or is not his bro and has no business knowing who this other guy PMing him is irl. That sounds pretty off to me.
Edit: grammar
jadely: Maybe to let him (missing bro) know that they're still looking for him?
incster10: That could make sense if they had already confirmed each other's identity and were talking about coming home or not. This is not the way OP described it -- and how likely is it that the lost brother would never have thought to google his own name to confirm it or see how his disappearance had been handled? Either way, "google this name" is odd -- why would the searching brother have to SUPPLY the last name?
t3yrn: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/294fc8/tifu_by_outing_finding_out_someones_username/cihmsa3 ?
incster10: In the context of your link, u/Phalco is telling suspicious redditors to google his name, which makes sense because they don't know it. But if he (thinks he) is PMing his brother, it makes no sense.
t3yrn: Yeah forgot to put a ?context=1 on the end of that, but yeah it's in response to someone calling him a karmawhore.
incster10: Thks, I'm still figuring out reddiquette and formatting after 1.5 years....
t3yrn: np, the "parent" and "context" links are nice, but they're annoying sometimes, I have yet to find a good way to link to a comment, with context, without adding it in manually.
| 10 | 220.8 | |
1403767220 | 1403794894 | t3_294s1d | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU my grandma caught my boyfriend and I having sex
so today, my boyfriend (M,17) and I (F, 18) went out for the morning and we decided after to come to my house to crash. I have this rule at my house that when he is over, I have to keep the door opened, which is no problem but we both do stuff and this has been continuous for about a year, except today was different. My grandma always checks up on us and always saw me on top of him (usually I'm cuddling up on him) which I know my grandma thinks its harmless. Also, my grandma goes to sleep VERY early, like around 7, which it's around 8:30 when this happens. She MUST'VE heard me or wanted to check up on us or I'm not completely sure WHY but just about 30 minutes ago, she walked into my room with me riding my boyfriend. I'm still fully clothed, except he doesn't have a shirt and his pants are half down.. but when she asked me to get up, I quickly covered my boyfriends penis. She didn't freak out like I thought she would, but she told us "hey, don't do that and respect each other." like wow, ultimate slap to my face and especially to my boyfriend... Sadly, we kind of just laughed about it..
Also, my grandma is closet drinker so she might have been drunk but I'm not completely sure and I'm ultimately scared about what she'll say tomorrow when we go to the gym..
Edit: I just woke up an hour ago to ask her when we're leaving for the gym and she didn't say anything or look disgusted at me. I think she doesn't remember or chooses not to say anything.. Cool.
Lewisplqbmc: "hey, don't do that and respect each other" ??
In my books, doing the dirty is about as respectful as it gets when dealing with peoples "wants and needs"
Good job
[deleted]: thanks! never expected a reply like that
Lewisplqbmc: You should never be ashamed for expressing your passion.
Now go forth and frolic in your youthful state!
mythrowawayresponse: could it have been a race thing? sometimes old people involve race into things... luckily they are dying off.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1403790865 | 1403794561 | t3_294tm7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: Yeah im 28 and its a VERY rare occurrence if i go at it more than once, let alone "A few times, plus one old lady for good measure"
Even when i was younger, hornier, and chemically enhanced, a walking hardon, i rarely went that often.
Gonna chalk this one up to r/thathappened
CuzLikeWhatever: Whether it really did happen or just a good story...who the hell are any of you to imply that it's not possible? Just because this sort of situation hasn't/will never happen to you...doesn't mean it can't/wont/didn't happen to someone else. I'm 30 & I've still got plenty of stamina left in me....and the game to go along with it.
To OP...true story or fabricated...hope it all works out.
[deleted]: I'm not implying having sex that often is impossible. Sure it's possible but the incentives aren't there.
I'm also not saying that people don't have unexpected sex with people they shouldn't, we all do it from time to time.
But by his own claims he made it a big big rule of his not to fuck clients. He'd already had sex "a few times" that day.
So what, despite the fact that he'd already fucked at least twice within the last 12 hours or so, his libido was still soooo strong that he couldn't resist a woman well past her prime? To the detriment of one of his biggest business rules? Nah, sorry not buying it.
It's not any one individual thing that's wrong with his story, it's that none of it really sits right together.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403752977 | 1403771461 | t3_294bqa | t5_2to41 | 6 | youmeanddougie: TIFU by spamming over 1000 people over all communication mediums
So I'm in local band and recently made the jump to playing full time. It was rough but we are barely making ends meet playing 9-11 shows a month. I try extremely hard to promote using twitter, facebook, youtube, instagram....hell....anything I can to get people interested in coming to our shows. My biggest fear is that I annoy people so much that they will just stop attending cause I'm always posting an event or a snapchat about an upcoming gig but for every person I get that's frustrated...I get 5 people that have "NO IDEA" I was playing that night and "Would have come!" So I'm never sure if I'm going too far.
So a friend of mine sent me a text invitation to an app called, "Hang Time." For those that don't use it, it's basically an app that let's you know what local events are going on in your area and it syncs with FB. Usually I will send invitations out to other "Hang Time" users but I accidentally clicked the "All" button before I hit send. This app sent a text message to every phone number I have in my phone, an email to every email contact and a FB message to every Facebook friend I have.
I've spent the last hour explaining to over 1000 people that I didn't spam them on purpose but the message was basically talking about coming to one of my gigs so clearly half of them just think I'm lying. My phone is buzzing the hook with angry text messages. Some people got the invitation 3 times in a row. FML I want to crawl under a rock and die.
edit: Took out my city as to make sure it didn't seem like I was advertising.
Zubdub: [Woof?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wfG8ngFvPk)
[deleted]: Ryan, there's a woof for you on line one.
| 3 | 2 | |
1403764267 | 1403790981 | t3_294p9b | t5_2to41 | 9 | alsdkfjlsdjf987897: TIFU by wearing the wrong shirt to the gym.
First off, I would like to say that this isn't a major fuck up, by any means. It's just a small, funny story.
I have two white t-shirts that I own. One is for working out and one is for going out on the town. Today, before going to the gym, I grabbed the one that was meant for daily, casual wear. Now, once I started working out, I realized that this shirt didn't really show off my small muscles the way my other workout shirt does. This caused a marked decrease in my overall mood and I even ended up going home early, which I usually don't.
So, long story shirt, wear the right short. That last part was just a joke, I know how to spel.
[deleted]: Invest in some more shirts you cheap bastard. 1 shirt for working out and 1 shirt for going out is unacceptable.
alsdkfjlsdjf987897: I have led a very hard life and although I feel like I have a lot to give to the world, I have no idea what it is. I am truly afraid of dying AND living. I am in a bad position. I wish it were that easy, simply strolling out to the local shirt-store and buying a new one, but even $25.00 is too much for me to spend right now. I'm sorry, R.B.
[deleted]: Well, this escalated quickly.
alsdkfjlsdjf987897: hell yea, my niggaflakes. *makes a fucking coin balance on his asshole*
andylawa42: Wat.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1403758363 | 1403796730 | t3_294is6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | johnwalkersbeard: TIFU by walking outside in my underwear
I live in an apartment complex. Our little seven pound dog was whining at 1:30 in the morning. She had to pee.
I groggily rolled out of bed and walked to the door. Opened the door to let her outside.
We have a rule that all dogs must be on leashes. My neighbor was opening her door to go back inside. Apparently her dog had to pee too. This is the first time anyone's ever been outside at 1 or 2 am.
Our dog is a rescue dog. Shes real territorial and kind of snazzy. So she immediately barked at the neighbor lady and her dog, then cowered away. Which really didn't do anything except scare my neighbor and draw attention to me standing in my skivvies with an unleashed dog.
Do I apologize or do I simply never ever mention it?
[deleted]: Never mention it... it's an apartment complex, shit happens, people move in and out... go on about your business.
mythrowawayresponse: **this**
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403763986 | 1403837345 | t3_294oz5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Winterblanc: Tifu by going off the trail while hiking
Happened a month ago but whatever. Also sorry the terrible formatting doing this on my phone. So me and a group of cousins decide to head out hiking. So we started on the trail that ends up in a ravine that leads to a dry river bed that runs parallel to the trail we were just on. So we make the "great" decision to go on the river bed instead of going back on the trail. Everything's fine and we eventually find a steep but doable path back to the trail. We start climbing single file up the path and was going smoothly until the cousin right above me kicks loose a large rock that happens to land right on my middle finger. The rock ends up crushing my finger tearing my cuticle almost completely off. We ended up finishing the trail and scrounging up some gauze and some hydrogen peroxide at our car to patch me up. Now I can't bend my middle finger without risking tearing the scabs on my finger lose.
tldr: went hiking decided to go off the trail resulting in a my cousin kicking a rock loose that ended up crushing my finger.
haseya07: Well... at least now you have an excuse to give people the finger.
[deleted]: It is sad that this is getting upvoted when the simple undisputed reality is that the recent books you are talking about degrade so quickly because of the high acid content that was used in their production which was absent from the older processes and which is why old, well kept books age so well. Oh well, more stupid lies and misinformation on the internet. Sigh.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403756653 | 1403775383 | t3_294go6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being in a hurry..
I apologize in advance if my tifu doesn't hold up to the usual standard, but here goes ( also, this happened yesterday)
So I'm in a summer EMT class. We're in class from 0900 to noon, them from 1300-1600. We get an hour long lunch break at noon. So yesterday, I decided to go to my local grocery store to pick up some snacks, and eat back at the training academy while studying for an upcoming test.
When I got to the store, I realized I had no money.
But I was really hungry. So what did I do? I hurriedly drove home and made lunch.
I started wolfing it down ( it was rice with an assortment of side dishes ( have I mentioned I'm asian? You might find that pertinent)).
Note: we mix our rice with brown & black rice ( I think it's called 'black rice'... That's what my mom calls it). So the final product is purple rice, with black grains mixed in.
As I'm chewing I notice, via my peripherals, that there's a black spot on my arm. In my haste, I assume it's a wad of rice that fell an happened to stick onto my arm
So what do I do? I take my mouth and I casually suck it into my mouth
And I immediately realize my mistake
Because no wad of rice feels fuzzy, and MOVES.
I realized I had just put a fly in my mouth
Immediately, disgusted, I spit out what food remained in my mouth, and left it hanging open to 'air it out' ( it seemed logical at the time).
Then I closed my mouth
And felt/heard/tasted the fly as it was crushed by my premolars/molars. It crunched, and something pasty oozed. And then it stuck onto my top teeth while the ooze was splashed around the area ( in my panic, I gnashed my teeth, inevitably making it worse. I think part of me just wanted to chew and swallow the thing as quickly as possible to get the experience over with. The possibility of spitting it out didn't occur to me at this point).
No matter how much I chomped, the fly stayed stuck. So after my panic subsided, I had to pick it out with my fingers. Appendages, wings, it's big green ass, what was left of those things anyway.
I washed my mouth out with water, brushed my teeth, flossed, and mouthwashed. But I can't forget what I did
I apologize for the long post; I'm not good at telling concise stories :/
TL;DR
I ate a fly off of my arm by accident
Imthedaddy11: how the fuck do you catch a fly like that
Imthedaddy11: nevermind, you're asian
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403774983 | 1403777021 | t3_294xzn | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by teasing my crush
Yesterday evening I was outside with my friend and she asked me to call her best friend to see if she wants to join (her best friend is my crush) and on the phone she told me that she cant come because she is hanging out with someone already (understandable) so as a joke to try and tease her I overdramatized the situation and in a sarcastic tone I said something along the lines of "oh its fine I can live without you!"
Then today she messaged me saying that it was really mean that I said I could live without her. And I told her it was just a joke she responded that it wasnt funny at all...and now shes ignoring me.
Edit: went to her place to apologize even with a white rose cuz someone said it would be the best way to apologize. Went like shit she felt it was retarded. Il stop messaging her and move on. Made myself look like a retard
Xiodine32: While some people really don't get a joke or a teasing, I find it wrong that you're not congruent (god I hope that's the word I'm looking for) with yourself. If you first played with her, maybe you should have continued to tease her, maybe she was expecting it?
From my personal experience, you gotta keep the act going and don't show interest at all in your crush, she'll simply find you like "another fan she can do whatever with" and not as a "boyfriend"
[deleted]: I think the Word you were looking for was consistent.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403776492 | 1403807956 | t3_294z6w | t5_2to41 | 348 | [deleted]: TIFU by flipping a coin with my 13 year-old son.
So I'm a single Dad, and we got a kitten today. He spent a night at his friend's house a few weeks ago who owns this orange cat named "Pancake". He's been begging me since for a cat, as he apparently liked this one a lot. Now we had gotten this cat today, we're pretty sure it's a boy, and the name came by as a decision that couldn't be easily made. **Who gets to name the cat?** He brought up the idea to flip a coin. So whoever wins *gets to name the cat whatever they want*. I agreed to this rule.
So he goes with Heads, I go with Tails, and what does it land on? *Heads*. It was at this moment that I realized I had fucked up.
We are now a proud owner, and not so proud owner of our new cat, Sphincter. I'm a little worried what my family is going to think Mr. Sphincter. I've got a pretty cool family though, so it'll be fine. *I think*
I imagine a few years later, taking him to the vet to have the front desk ask "*So what's this little guy's name?*"
**Edit**: "Tell him to change it" I agreed to the conditions :(
**EDIT 2**: I couldn't stop laughing. No, his friend does not have a pet orange named pancake, I meant to write orange CAT. I fixed it. Also, I'm not so heavily concerned about it that I'm going to go back on my word; trust me, I'm a very adequate parent, no need for parental advice. :)
homosexualgayfag: Now we now where all the people with names like potato_in_your_anus come from.
aspernator: said "homosexualgayfag"
vxlksge: "homosexualygayfag" obviously isn't good at winnig a coin toss...
[deleted]: Or maybe he's awesome at winning coin tosses...
BigBobsBootyBarn: maybe he's just awesome at tossing.
Salad.
| 6 | 58 | |
1403783868 | 1403789870 | t3_2955hs | t5_2to41 | -2 | nomore_noless: TIFU by yelling at my boss
So I've started a new job, I've only been working for a week. For some reason, today I was really stressed out and after waiting over an hour for my boss to get back from a meeting, I was anxious to show her my report I've finished. So she walks in and asks if I'm okay, I guess I looked stressed out and instead of saying I'm fine, I manage to yell it out at her and she gets pissy and says, "No need to be rude, I was just asking." -.-
So I sat staring at my computer for over an hour, stressing even more before I manage to talk to her and we have this long talk and about how my behaviour is unacceptable in an office environment. I'm amazed that I wasn't fired.
Then to top things off I get home after work and realise I locked myself out of the house, my phone is dead and my housemate takes three hours to get home.
TheUnmasturbator: That has to be the shittest TIFU, please remove this.
[deleted]: Ive seen worse
| 3 | -0.666667 | |
1403783789 | 1403832855 | t3_2955eb | t5_2to41 | 136 | MadScientist3: TIFU by going to work on my period.
DeathHaze420: >So I decided to go to work on my period.
What, your pussy entitles you to a week off every month? My mom has endometreosis and goes to work every day.
IntrinsicSurgeon: No need to be rude. We have no clue what her menstrual cycle is like, and after regularly taking abuse from these boys, I can understand why this would be an uncomfortable time. They humiliated her over her period.
DeathHaze420: Suck it up like the rest of the population.
IntrinsicSurgeon: Sounds like you don't have a lot of experience with periods. Plenty of people have to take off work due to menstrual issues. They just don't talk about it.
DeathHaze420: Wish my dick gave me a sick note once a month.
IntrinsicSurgeon: It has nothing to do with genitals. Menstruation can affect your entire body. I'm so sorry that you don't have blood slush come out of you, nausea, cramps that make it hard to walk, migraines, and often times, fatigue that makes it hard to even get out of bed. Your life must be so hard because you don't get to experience this.
Seriously though, dudes find any way on here to bitch and victimize themselves.
| 7 | 19.428571 | |
1403775276 | 1403809291 | t3_294y8d | t5_2to41 | 6 | RaidPics: TIFU by messing around with my friends
So this was literally 10 min ago i have my two best friends over lets call the first one dan and the second one roy. So as we are getting ready to go to sleep both roy and dan sleep in the living room, I am already set for bed and talking to them as they get ready as ushual something is said by dan that makes me want to screw with him in some way. For what ever reason the number one pick of the day for me has been mooning him, so i quickly turn around and give him a little half moon action. Looking back i see hes not happy as this is about the 5th time today ive done this to him, so I run to my room and knowing full well hes right behind I stop and pull my shorts down to give him a full moon. As you could imagine hes less happy about this and grabs my nun chucks and hits me a few times then throws them at me and leaves the room. The second he turned the corner all i hear is him yell "damn it roy i dont want to see your balls" ( assuming all of you have seen waiting you know the game they play for thoughs that dont their is a point system for showing people your genitals in different ways we used to play the same game last year ) so I decide ive already pissed dan off why not piss him off some more and quickly pull my balls out from the leg of my shorts and stand in my door way sence dan is on his way to the bathroom right next to my room. He turns around and sees what is waiting for him and repeats "damn it i dont want to see your balls" then goes in the bathroom and closes the door. Now im not one to just mess with one person and stop when i can no longer mess with them i switch targets and decide why not show roy my balls too. So i walk down the hall way genitals still out in the open, roy walks up laughing saying " i didnt even have them out i just did the motion to make it look like i did " and sees that I am not infact just doing the motion and he tries to run away but all the doors were closed off in the living room. Now lets take a moment so you know the lay out a bit from the living room you can go to the family room but that is closed off and is currently holding sleeping dogs then their is the verry small foyer that connects the front door the kitchen that is closed off the hall way where i am standing and the living room oh and their is a small child gate at the hallway and foyer to keep the dogs out. So with no where to really run he stop panics and tries to run to the front door at the same time i push open the gate with my knee and he crashes into it breaking part of it off and falling to the floor. After a good laugh and checking the damage I now have a nice wood working project to complete in the morning. But wait theirs more knowing their will be revenge i close my door and place a chair infront of it being a light sleeper any sound at all and im awake not even 3 min after i close my door i hear some one gently hit the door against the chair so i told who ever it was " get the hell out " and get up to see whos their, its dan trying not to laugh saying " what the fuck is this we were planing on sneeking in here and touching the electric fly swater to your nipple ". So i have closed the door again put the chair back in place and added a few dvds and such to make extra noise incase of future attacks.
Tl;DR showed my friend my ass showed my other friend my balls broke a gate and have now booby trapped my self into my room for safety
sameoldnigga: reading this is like pulling teeth. pls rewrite
RaidPics: Sorry im not a verry good writer ill see what i can do
| 3 | 2 | |
1403786323 | 1403792598 | t3_29582i | t5_2to41 | 3 | cheeku-: TIFU by giving my phone to sister to check an album in my gallery
bobstay: > UC Browser auto saves the Pictures I browse during incognito mode, which can be seen in gallery
And you still use this browser why? That behaviour is so utterly wrong I have trouble believing it. Or did you explicitly download them while you were in incognito mode?
cheeku-: Like i said, i had no idea, the folder was named as tmp_view something, i immediately deleted it. After a while i checked how did that happened and it indeed saved some pics in that folder while i browsed some contents on incognito.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403786938 | 1403789804 | t3_2958rk | t5_2to41 | 9 | PoorUniversityKid: TIFU: by being too horny. (NSFW)
WookieTurnip: did you take the sandwich out?
magmagmagmag: Did he put it back in?
| 3 | 3 | |
1403786555 | 1403858493 | t3_2958bg | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening the door to a pair of psychotic prostitutes
abelcc: 40 for the night? OP I'll be thankful if you pass me their contact info.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: And all the STDs known to man...
Exverius: And to be honest, pretty sure if I'd have let them in they would have murdered me in my sleep
Then taken the 40 anyway
| 4 | 1 | |
1403779462 | 1403818753 | t3_2951li | t5_2to41 | 4 | cantankerouswankerus: TIFU by picking my cat up
So it's been an average day. Nothing spesh.
Knew after work I'd have to come home n clean the flat for a potential new flatmate coming round. But I had beers lined up. I had post-flatviewing bongs. Things wouldn't be so bad.
Anywho, before all the festivities could commence... I arrive home for work and see our wee cat manging about. Food in the bowl, she ain't hungry... Kitty trays been used. Gastrointestinally (is that a word? I dunno. I'll go with yes) she should be fine. So i pick her up assuming she needs a little TLC and put her on my shoulder.
And an abscess on her thigh burst all over me.
It looked like chocolate milk.
Smelled like every body fluid she had, all mixed up in one putrid serving.
I'm not sure I'll ever feel clean again.
Tl;dr cat's are overrated.
sfsdsc: You uh, might want to visit the vet...
cantankerouswankerus: Nah I'm feeling fine now mate. Thanks tho!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403788236 | 1403817187 | t3_295acg | t5_2to41 | 12 | IrritatedWorkingGuy: TIFU by eating a tub of biriyani from a dodgy corner shop
Pragmatism101: As an Indian native, I never eat food outside (it's either terrible and/or toxic, all the while claiming to be "authentic"). My tip, make friends with an Indian person whose Mum is nice and an excellent cook :)
IrritatedWorkingGuy: See that's the thing, I am from Birmingham (UK) the best curries in the UK right here and such a large asian and middle-eastern population that we have great takeaways all round.
Pragmatism101: Oh snap! Yeah, bad luck then with the shady place. Still say that home cooked Biryani has no equal. Definitely a tip if you ever pop by US
IrritatedWorkingGuy: Its one of my staple dishes to cook, so easy to make, and a great way to re-use rice from a previous dish.
(i like to re-use last nights leftovers for todays meal because i am poor and stingy)
Pragmatism101: Hear, hear!
| 6 | 2 | |
1403789567 | 1403789983 | t3_295c3w | t5_2to41 | 5 | marley88: TIFU by making toast in the office.
Well, that was my intention.
I got a little distracted and the toast burned. Not so bad but it set off the fire alarm.
Cue ~800 being evacuated into the carpark, in the rain. Worse than that, all the global heads were visiting and having a meeting (our office is head office) when the fire alarm went off and had to evacuate also of course.
We were out there for around 30 mins, it sucked. I think I probably cost the company several thousand pounds today.
vvvayo: As long as they didn't know it was you!
marley88: Several people do, so far I have been teased rather than told off thankfully!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403791412 | 1403799980 | t3_295esn | t5_2to41 | 26 | xx_ClaireVoyant_xx: TIFU by rubbing one out
My bf and I were getting ready to go out (to meet a girl we've been talking to). I took a shower first.. and he went after me. I'm sitting here kind of nervous and a little stressed (first time we've actually gone so far as to meet a girl after all of the years talking about it).. and I think, fuck.. I need to relax.. Oh, I've got about 20 mins to kill. I'm going to rub one out real quick. If I'm fast, maybe I can get 2 or 3 in.
I usually will do my diddling when he's in the bathroom in the morning, because he takes forever to take a morning shit... or in the shower... or if he's really knocked out, I'll do it while he's sleeping next to me. My point is, I don't really ever do it in front of him. It's like my personal thing, you know? I've just never been comfortable doing it in front of him (save for times I've been super intoxicated).
So.. anyways, I hear this tapping on the wall.. Ah, he's tapping shampoo out of the bottle.. and I'm laying there spread eagle on the bed, rope flopped open, just going to town.. and then out of the corner of my eye, I see the bedroom door open and close really quick. Shit, I forgot the bedroom door wasn't locked?!
Mind you, I live in a house with room mates who have kids. So, I sit up freaking out, OMG the room mates 7 yr old kid just opened my door and saw me going to town on my vag. Fuck. I fly off the bed.
I compose myself, open the door, and I see my bf slinking back into the bathroom... He was the one who opened the door.. He was knocking on the wall to try to get my attention because he couldn't get the water temp to cool down in the shower and wanted help to see if I could adjust the dial any differently.
He didn't really say anything to me...Didn't quite know what to say.. but I could see it on his face he was trying to think of something to say. Wasn't till about 20 mins later that we discussed it, laughing. He had hoped I wouldn't notice the door opening and just figured out the shower himself.
Troyus_Maximus: Why is it a big deal if you're boyfriend saw you pleasuring yourself? That doesn't seem like that big of a deal, especially since the two of you are swingers. The weirdest part of this story though is how use the term 'rub one out'. That's a term used to describe male masturbation. I've never before heard it used by a female when talking about them fingering themselves. Oh well.
At least the kid didn't walk in on you. Now that would have been a disaster.
xx_ClaireVoyant_xx: I never even thought about the fact that guys use that term. For what ever reason, I've always used it..I use a lot of terms for masturbation. I also have way more male friends than female, so I often find myself using terms that men use.
It was just kinda a big deal to me because I was caught off guard and as I said, it's kinda my own private thing..I wasn't expecting to be walked in on. And also, I wouldn't say we're swingers just yet. This is after all the first time we actually met a girl.. and it was just for drinks, nothing happened, lol. Not yet anyways.
edit: And yes, thankfully it wasn't the kid, but I was shitting my pants that it was.
Troyus_Maximus: What is your thought on the term 'flick the bean'?
xx_ClaireVoyant_xx: It's funny to say... as is clicking the mouse :)
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1403791878 | 1403816183 | t3_295fh6 | t5_2to41 | 60 | Purplelutes: TIFU by messaging a girl about a band opportunity, with tits.
So I just woke up and saw a status message from a lady I knew about 5 years ago. It had said that she wanted someone to busk with so she could save money and go to Philly. Which is all well and cool. I make a lot of music, all the time, and more so was just looking for someone to add that extra layer of sound, and from what I remembered, she was pretty good.
So I messaged her. The last message we had together was from about 4 years ago, saying we should start up a band. I had a little chuckle about that. I opened up my soundcloud page, and started typing her a message. I got halfway through my message and tried to ctrl + v my soundcloud url. Except apparently the last thing on my clipboard was a print screen of a cam girl.. And, to add the problem, I could just not send the message, for some fucking reason, it just sent to her. Right there and then, I hadn't even sent the message, but those pair of tits did. Soooooo, I bombarded her with I'm sorry messages, and a final "DO NOT SCROLL UP" message to at least give her the chance not to have to see my mistake. She hasn't seen the message as of yet. I don't know what to do if it happens. God, I hope she understands. Or I just don't talk to her again for 5 years! That's an option to.
TL;DR Meant to send my soundcloud page to a possible bandmate lady, accidentally ctrl + v'd porn.
hurricaneseasonsova: Here's what you do. Wait until she's passed out, then hide a nickel in her anus. Later, ask her to let you borrow a nickel. When she says that she doesn't have a nickel, pull the nickel out of her anus. She'll think that you're a wizard. Whenever she doesn't want to fuck, you can threaten to turn her into a frog.
IOUaUsername: Not sure if copypasta or pure genius.
mq999: Copypasta sadly. But not one you see every day.
| 4 | 15 | |
1403794181 | 1403818664 | t3_295iya | t5_2to41 | 367 | cuddly_Panda: Tifu by farting on a customer
I am a waitress. I worked a double shift yesterday and with only 30 minutes to eat, I had a burrito. As the dinnr shift started my stomach started to feel funny. Half way through the shift I realized the burrito had been a huge mistake! It turned out to be a very busy night so I had no time to use the restroom. As I was cleaning a table I noticed someone spilled water on the floor. I bent down to clean it up.... just then the lady at the table next to me dropped her napkin and bent down to pick it up. I couldn't hold it in. I farted on her head/part of her face! (I'm pretty sure it was silent but I'm also sure it was deadly.) I stood up quickly and walked away. I pretended nothing happened. The worst part is that she's a regular customer and I'm sure I'll be seeing her again.....
Troyus_Maximus: Fake. Girls don't fart.
cuddly_Panda: Oh yes we do!
plumeria80: Oh yes we do! Haha once my boyfriend and I were sharing a single bed and he was between the wall and me. Apparently I ate a skunk or something because the next morning he went into great detail how he was trapped and couldn't breathe.
IntrinsicSurgeon: Haha, I love how dramatic that last part sounds.
| 5 | 73.4 | |
1403794914 | 1403797041 | t3_295k6x | t5_2to41 | 5 | xshivax: TIFU - fell asleep on a train, different country
So this wasn't actually today, but 3 weeks ago tomorrow.
I work in the North of Scotland, UK but live in England, UK - it takes me around 4.5 hours to drive to work (if no traffic). My car had been stolen from my home, so I was having to get the train home from work on a Friday (takes around 7 hours, 4 trains).
I woke up with really bad migraine, and get travel sick on trains or in other peoples' cars so must have dozed off on my 2nd train. I woke up as the doors closed at the station I needed to get my connecting train from. The train started to pull away as the train conductor said over the speakers that the next stop would be London (2.5 hours in the wrong direction from where I live).
I had to get a train all the way to London and back which cost me £180 upfront for a one-way train ticket. In total it took me almost 12 hours to get home. Total fuck up of a day considering I had migraine and sickness the entire time.
TL; DR - fell asleep on train, missed my stop, added another 5-6 hours onto my journey time and had to pay £180 to get home.
mark0210: What exactly do you do that requires such a commute? Surely you work a few days at a time between trips.
xshivax: I work for an IT consultancy based on Software Quality (e.g. Software testing). We do manual/automated software testing but also quality assurance and test management. I only do the commute there and back once a week, not every day (stay in hotels during the week). Still a bullshit thing to happen, I was picking up my new car the day after too.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403799121 | 1403921145 | t3_295r78 | t5_2to41 | 13 | crisothetank: TIFU by not cleaning a wound from football
The incident actually happened last night but it ran over into today and I realised it was a huge fuck up this morning.
Last night I played football on grass, and because it's summer, the ground is hard and dry. I slid and grazed off all the skin on my left knee, I've done it before but not as bad as this, you can literally just see pink flesh. I had a shower, tried to wash hot water over it and went to sleep, thinking nothing of it.
I wake up this morning with a swollen leg, pus over my graze and all my leg hairs stuck to my graze, it looked disgusting. But I had to pick up my little sister from her friends house. So I get dressed (I put on skinny jeans - huge mistake), pick her up and bring her home.
When I get back my swollen leg is feeling uncomfortable, so I go to take off my skinny's. But I can't. The pus on my graze has stuck to the inside of my already-tight skinny jeans, and my leg hairs have made the situation even worse. I try pulling the jeans off but it won't budge at all. I end up having to snip my favourite jeans up just to free my leg, which by this point is red raw, seeping pus and looking very ... bad. I think it's infected, so I'll probably have to go to the hospital as well :(
learn from my mistake.. I should have cleaned it properly the night before
**edit, my mum insisted on applying hot salty water to my leg to clean the wound.. yes guys, it's as painful as it sounds, but it worked, the pus has gone and the swelling has gone down and it's already scabbing over. Could have been worse although I need to buy some new jeans**
Scuttlebutt91: No pics?
crisothetank: Ah! my leg is already scabbing over after my mum insisted on applying hot salty water to my leg (which is as painful as it sounds.)
Scuttlebutt91: Still no pics??
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1403799066 | 1403840132 | t3_295r4j | t5_2to41 | 44 | AKA_Squanchy: TIFU by getting ripped off at a car dealership
I bought a car with a sticker price of $21,000. After a couple weeks I negotiated the price to $18,500 out the door, no tax, title or license. When signing paperwork I noticed that it said I would be financing $18,500, even though I was putting down $2,500. I questioned him on that line in the contract and he said that the down payment would be applied to the loan. HE LOOKED ME IN THE EYE, AND TOLD ME THAT MY DOWN PAYMENT WOULD BE APPLIED TO THE LOAN. Well, it wasn't in writing, and now I financed $18,500, put down $2,500 on top of that, for a total of $21,000 ... the fucking sticker price. Upside, I didn't have to pay tax, title or license, and no, there is no mistake in our price agreement, I told them I had a down payment after the price of $18,500 had been negotiated.
Dammit, I'm a chump.
TL;DR: IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT OR THINK THE MATH ON A CAR PURCHASE IS WRONG, DO NOT SIGN IT UNLESS IT IS CORRECT! The word of those thieves has nothing behind it.
Not sure if I can publish the name of the dealership, so even though I'd like to get the word out about their shady practices, I'll just warn any car buyer to be extra careful around these scoundrels ...
octavesemitone: please give me their names
AKA_Squanchy: It was a dealership in Montclair, CA. That's the most I'll give!
clarinetta: The dealerships you see off on the side of the 10 freeway near Super King?
AKA_Squanchy: It is right off the 10.
clarinetta: Now I can't help but to think about the countless cars I've seen with the license plate cover with one of the dealerships and saying Montclair on the bottom :I. Hope you can find a way out of this loop or if not, be able to pay the extra $2,500. These people are shadier than the shadiest snakes.
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1403799717 | 1403807086 | t3_295s5w | t5_2to41 | 3 | sauccey: TIFU by breaking a girl's heart
I met her last week. I met her on tinder (that shitty app), we talked, she liked me, she was kinda cute. I wanted a hookup, and she wanted a relationship, so I faked it. I told her I really liked her and she wanted to meet up with me. I had already told her I was going away for all of July, then off to college halfway across the country in August. She asked if we could do long distance relationship if our meetup went OK. I said "sure, I really like you". I honestly just wanted a hookup. I drove an hour to see her, walked with her on the beach, held her hand, then started making out with her. She really liked me, I had feelings for her, just not the same feelings she was having, I guess. I went home that night, called her the next day. She kept saying shit like "can we date when you're away in Canada for july? I was saying shit like "I don't know... what's the point... I'm going to be gone away to college, we should just end this. I have feelings for you, but my gut is telling me that this was a bad idea". Shit like that. She was crying hysterically. She told me her father was dying. She told me that I used her and that I have serious mental issues because I'm so manipulative. I fucked up guys, and I broke her heart.
I know she still likes me, After talking till about 5 AM last night/this morning, we finally said our last goodbyes, kinda. She said she was going to run away, catch a flight and just get out of here. I facebook chatted her cousin (i had briefly met her when we met up). I told her to check up on her. The cousin said that she'll be fine. I blocked her from facebook, ignored her in my phone, and am just done with her forever. Just chatted her cousin. She said she'll get over it. I feel like a complete douche. I am a complete douche. Is there something wrong with me that I can manipulate people like that? I stayed up all night, no sleep at all because I was worried she might do something she regretted. Now I feel like puking. Is this going to go away? What should I do? Was she batshit crazy for acting like that, or am I in the wrong?
DaveV1968: You are in the wrong. You acted like a manipulative, selfish, duplicitous asshole who has little empathy for others. You knew she wanted a relationship and you didn't, you led her on to think you wanted a relationship so you could "hookup" with her.
I am kind of curious though. What did you think was going to happen when you told her you didn't want to be in a relationship when she told you that was what she was looking for?
sauccey: I don't know, I assumed she would forget about me by the end of the summer when I went away to college. I didn't think she would bring up long distance relationships. I told her that those college long distance relationships never work and it didn't sound like very much fun *before* I even went to go see her. I remember telling her we should just have fun this summer and if we really liked each other, then we could cross that bridge when we got there. Keep in mind that I only met this girl about 6 days ago. I didn't really want a "hookup" all along, but that's kind of what it turned out to be. I told her that I'm leaving for Canada in a week, and will only be home for 20 days until I go to college. I guess she just didn't care about that. She should've just left me when I told her that...
| 3 | 1 | |
1403800108 | 1403802333 | t3_295ssw | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: Tifu by getting high before my gf was here and now she's been in an accident and at the hospital with parents and Im still high.
.
MisterAdeman: You're not freaking out because you're high. You're freaking out because your girlfriend was involved in an accident and you don't know exactly what's going on. I'd personally say it's appropriate to ask her mom if you can go see her. Hell, odds are, her mom will gain a bit of respect for you for showing concern for her daughter. Hope everything turns out alright, man.
mythrowawayresponse: the problem will be when you show up all blazed... you can try and get away with saying you were crying your eyes out... but they'll probably know.
MisterAdeman: If he was already coming down when he posted this, he'll be straight. Just don't smoke before you go to the hospital or her house or whatever and you'll be good.
| 4 | 2 | |
1403801229 | 1403914577 | t3_295unw | t5_2to41 | 181 | DatTrysh: TIFU by forgetting my bedroom's door open.
Was a regular work day. Got off work at 4 and went home. Decided to have some fun alone since my roomate wasn't there yet. So I grabbed my purple vibrator (let's call it mr. Purple). Skipping the details, minutes after I'm done, my mom texts me saying she's in town and she'd like to see me for a few (living in appartment). So I shower quickly and put some clothes on.. and she shows up shortly after. To this point, everything's fine, right? Few minutes after she starts roaming around in the appartment commenting how clean the place looks etc. I was getting completely ready in the bathroom when I realized with horror the mistake I've done. I freeze for a second, then I storm to my bedroom's door right in time to see her looking in my room. I had forgot to clean the bed right after the "good time". There was Mr. Purple laying on my bed with a shower towel, which was not quite dry yet. Then my mom looks at me and says "I'll go walk a little outside while you finish getting ready". Can't believe that even in such a hurry I didn't even think of closing the fucking door. So yeah, we went to Dairy Queen afterward and it was the most awkward ice cream I ever had.
mythrowawayresponse: **she does it too**, except her's black.. and veiny.
DatTrysh: That's why I moved the fuck out.
Securitybob: did you ever find it, held it and asked her why it smelled of Vaseline as an innocent child?
DatTrysh: Luckily not
Securitybob: i did.
uui8457: We need backstory, we need it now!
Securitybob: I > find it, held it and asked her why it smelled of Vaseline
She said it was a gag gift that they gave her at work in a birthday cake took it out of my hands and asked me not to touch it again.
years later i see her baking a cake into a penis shaped cake.
| 8 | 22.625 |
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