start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1403802315 | 1412902936 | t3_295wld | t5_2to41 | 2,421 | StopItJeca: TIFU by making my dad believe he had an STD
My parents have been divorced for a few years and my dad is just starting to get his "mojo" back.
By "mojo" I mean my dad has been acting like a college frat boy on spring break for the past few months...complete with many one night stands.
Fast forward to today:
My dad comes to me frantic (because I work in a Pharmacy and that automatically means I know everything about STD's) claiming that a "nice girl" he met the night before must have given him something.
Naturally I ask what happenend, and he begins a tale not fit for a daughter to hear..."DAD, I don't need to know the play by play, what's wrong now?"
To which he responds that all day when he goes to the bathroom, "it burns". He further explains that when he drunkenly came home last night, he sat down to pee ("not because he's a pussy, because he could barely stand, let alone aim") and his junk burned.
I said, okay...that could've been caused by a number of things, was that the only time?
He says no. When he woke up, still half out of it, he sat down for his morning poop and it burned again. (I know, I'm so lucky to know these things right?)
And by this time he's super worried. I told him I'd make an appointment at the clinic, for him just to monitor the symptoms throughout the day.
Fast Forward to 30 min ago when I'm watching tv and hear:
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, STOPITJECA!"
He comes out and proceeds to lecture me that while he appreciates me cleaning the house and *especially* the bathroom, the bleach ball I placed to freshen the toilet goes IN THE BACK. Not the front of the bowl.
**TL;DR: misplaced toilet bowl freshener burns dad's dick.**
**EDIT:** quotes for clarification. As someone without choice when I pee, I should clarify that was his comment to me, not my opinion on the subject. :)
**EDIT 2:** Holy crap this blew up! Thanks guys! A lot of comments are about how he burned himself (is he hung?) etc. and the truth is it's a small toilet and he tends to lean forward to read/text etc. He said he was just sitting really close to the front...and yes. Like a fucking stallion. (so gross)
**EDIT 3:** THE FRONT PAGE, ARE YOU SERIOUS! As a first time poster, you guys fucking rock! Thanks for the awesome comments! Totally made my morning waking up to these.
CaptainDickPuncher: Tell your dad to wear a damn rubber and he won't have to pester his daughter about the possibility of having stds
Oznog99: While sitting on the toilet? How's that gonna work? Wouldn't it be easier to move the ball?
callmejohndoe: [Ah, the old toilet-a-roo](http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/2964gj/my_girlfriend_finally_reunited_with_her/cihxd2b?context=2)
igopherit: Hold my shit, im only getting started here.
sharktopuskracken: How'd it go?
igopherit: A message from beyond? Am I dead, Am I OUT!! Did I make it?!?!!!
sharktopuskracken: Depends, did you see the singularity?
igopherit: I did see a lot of single ladies.
sharktopuskracken: good enough
| 10 | 242.1 | |
1403782176 | 1403822169 | t3_2953ty | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking off my jumper
This happened last night. I was at a dinner with friends, there were about a dozen of us, and I was sitting close to the middle of the table. I needed to fart, so I made the excuse of taking my jumper off to let out the warm whisper.
I stood up and positioned myself so the sin would be silent. In one smooth motion I started taking my jumper off and cutting the cheese, and right when my head was covered by the jumper the fart became audible. I paused, fully aware of what just happened, and continued to take my jumper off. The whole table was looking at me. To make things worse my shirt had ridden up with my jumper to reveal my gut which I had acquired recently. It sucked.
I sat down and ate my meal. No one said anything about, which was probably the worst part of the whole experience.
Looking back, it seems like I just stood up to get everyone's attention by showing them my belly, farted loudly, then sat back down.
tl;dr: I needed to fart at a dinner, stood up to 'take my jumper off', and farted loudly with my jumper over my head.
STORMCOCK: I really wish that regardless of whatever the hell article of clothing it is, England would stop saying "jumper." Please stop, all of you. You all just sound so ridiculous every time you say it. A baby wears a jumper, maybe, depending on what it is I guess, but grown-ass adults do *not.*
Turd_in_the_hole: Keep yer trousers on. It's a pretty old word (well, couple hundred years) so you'd better get used to it- in England they speak *proper* English, just how it is and will always be.
But while we're at it- do you know how stupid you guys across the pond sound calling trousers pants? Pants are your underwear, ffs. And fanny?!?! That's a pussy!
[deleted]: I Agree! How can they complain about 'English' when they're bloody talking it and then have to fill it in with 'Americanisms' T.T
| 4 | 1 | |
1403803961 | 1403804611 | t3_295zi2 | t5_2to41 | -1 | djsmile123: TIFU by going to have a nice night out
Well it all started on a night out with my friend (we're both gay) so we decided to go down to the local pub and have a couple of pints and maybe a nice man to take home with us. cutting a long story short we found a guy and took him back to our place.
The business started going down and the new guy was at the bottom but my friend was really going for it, with all the moans no one heard him crying for help as he coldnt handle the action.
Were now at whipps cross hospital and our recent "friend" is sufferenig from 4 broken ribs and breathing problems due to all of the weight, he also has a split rectum however the hospital is dealing with the ribs and breathing problems first as it is life threatening.
Im feeling extremely depressed as the man who i dont want to name doesnt want to have anything to do with me. any suggestions? im having suicidal thoughts
TheUnmasturbator: Hi, that was me, i'm feeling fine now, just eating pasta hoops, my ass still hasn't recovered yet, but it will soon i guess...
Next time it's your turn to go to the bottom.
djsmile123: this is a serious story, pls stop trolling on my posts im genuinely feeling really upset
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1403805659 | 1403844167 | t3_2962dw | t5_2to41 | 189 | Jewbee: TIFU by giving maintenance permission to enter
Backstory: After getting home from work yesterday I opened my door to the most repulsive smell I had ever smelled. [The kind of smelly smell that smells.. smelly.](http://i.imgur.com/GyueyFZ.jpg) So after my eyes adjust, I notice shit everywhere. My dog had been sick for the last couple days and she had had explosive diarrhea while I was at work. Luckily, it was mostly contained near the front door, which is wood flooring (bless her soul for trying to go outside). Now, most of you would assume this is the worst of it, but it gets better. We have had a crack under our door that opens up to the outside for some time now and have put off submitting a work order to fix it for some time now. Procrastination sucks. There were ants.. everywhere. Thousands of them, feasting on my dog's feces. I ran upstairs to find something to kill them all with and ended up spending a half hour spraying them all with Lysol to no avail. Finally, I phoned my apartment's maintenance and asked if they could come repair the crack and spray for ants. I gave them permission to enter the next day.
Fast forward to this morning, my usual routine; awoken by my alarm, snooze it, enjoy 5 minutes of sleep that feels like 3 hours, awoken by my alarm again, debate another 5 minutes of sleep, convince my lazy ass to get up, check my phone, nothing (shocker), stumble into the shower, and here's where things go awry. I had been reading a "lifehacks" Reddit post the other day that had suggested putting your towel in the dryer before getting into the shower, so that when you're done you have a nice hot towel to dry off with. So I figured, "why the hell not", I have the 5 extra minutes I saved by refraining from snoozing my alarm again anyway. So I go downstairs, put the towel in the dryer, and proceed to shower and carry on as usual. After my shower I realize I now have to walk my wet, naked ass downstairs to get a towel to dry off with (I didn't think this all the way through). I emerge from the bathroom, nipples harder than steel, hair sopping wet, cursing under my breath. I hurriedly make my way towards the dryer, down the stairs, and around the corner.. and straight into something that shouldn't be there. I snap out of my aggrivated daze, and am confronted with an overweight man with a toolbelt around his waist,
"WHAT THE FUCK!" I cover up my private parts.
"I'm with maintenance" says the man, turning his back to me "you gave us permission to enter."
And that.. is how I fucked up.
TL;DR: I gave my apartment maintenance man permission to enter my home, forgot I had done so, and then ran naked into him the next day.
Edit: Satisfying Grammar Nazi's
Edit 2: OP is definitely a guy.. perverts.
mythrowawayresponse: > "you gave us permission to enter."
**..your ass!**
Jewbee: In hindsight, this does have the making of a cheesy porno.
dr3lunts: My favorite kind <3
| 4 | 47.25 | |
1403807775 | 1403819191 | t3_2966bv | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a spiteful home-wrecker
[deleted]: I don't envy those days of coming to age. Adolescent drama is the worst.
P.S. TL;DR belongs at the top.
Noble_toaster: Since when? How would you know something's too long if it's at the top?
[deleted]: >Since when?
Since before you were born.
> How would you know something's too long if it's at the top?
It's a courtesy from the author.
Google it, Bing it, look it up in a dictionary. I don't give a fuck.
Noble_toaster: Look at any thread on reddit, tldr is on the bottom. If everyone else is wrong they aren't.
[deleted]: By your logic; If enough people are wrong, that makes it right. Maybe we should legalize murder, abortion, rape, and pedophilia.
Hey kid. Please come back with another ignorant response so I may continue to shove your nose in the proverbial shit you continue to defecate form your mouth.
Noble_toaster: Lmfao dude everybody on reddit knows how to use tl;drs except for you. Hb you correct everyone on all the other threads bby ;)
[deleted]: See. That's the thing about ignorance. It's wide spread and never exclusive to just one individual.
*"Everybody else is doing it this way. There's no possibility they could all be wrong."*
That is ignorance breading ignorance.
| 8 | 0.625 | |
1403809261 | 1404332114 | t3_29694q | t5_2to41 | 18 | ronnymcfelch: TIFU by leaving a google search on the screen at work..
So a bit of background info I'm 24 and have male pattern baldness which in its self sucks but I can deal with it however along with my male pattern baldness I also have folliculitis. Which is infection of the hair follicles! what the fuck is that all about? So the remaining horse shoe hair I have on my head also has a nice spotty rash all over it.
I've been going to see the doctor pretty much once a month to see if there's anything else we could try because it's really knocking my confidence. I feel like people are constantly looking at the back of my head because it does look disgusting. I started work at 6am this morning and through frustration started looking on the internet for possible treatments and other info. I typed in "folliculitis depression" because it's really getting to me and I wanted to see if other people were having the same problem and how they dealt with it.
Anyway I forgot to close the window and left it on in my office whilst I went to do other things for about 3 hours. In my absence lots of people were using that room and must have seen the screen, it's a very small business so we have to talk to each other all day every day and I started getting some "are you ok?" questions here and there and only realized once I got back to my computer why. My heart sank and I felt like a retard straight away, can't way for tomorrow where someone will hand me a card for a suicide hotline.
TLDR; People where I work read my screen and now they thing I want to kill my self
WaylandC: Have you looked into any dietary causes of this?
ronnymcfelch: I am aware that it can be a reaction to food but I have no idea which food as people say different things.
WaylandC: I would start with anything made with wheat, corn, and products with added sugar.
Personally, I limit beans and potatoes and even fruit.
Try limiting carb intake to 100-150g a day (assuming fairly normal height and weight).
Don't cook with vegetable oils because of the omega-6 fats (an imbalance in the body can lead to systemic inflammation).
If you'd like more info or anything, just message me. I'll be glad to help man.
ronnymcfelch: I'm going to give that go see if it does anything. Thanks a lot I really appreciate it. What's your scalp like now?
WaylandC: I've never had a very bad scalp, however, I notice that my skin and joints are better in general with this way of eating.
My skin stays clearer, my joints feel healthy, and my body overall feels like it's running better.
Please, do let me know how it works for you.
ronnymcfelch: Yeh I will thanks :)
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1403808259 | 1403813238 | t3_29679l | t5_2to41 | 9 | isingtomyducky: TIFU. I sent a text pretty much saying F my job... to my boss
so I'm hormonal and sent a text to what I thought was my husband... basically saying f*** my job I'm going to quit.. well I sent it to my boss... he
replied with a typical "uh...." type thing...
tried to play it off... hopefully I don't lose my job -_-
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Actually, you shouldn't backpedal at all. Sit your boss down, and vent to him as to why the job sucks.
Most people are afraid to voice their opinions and concerns to their bosses for fear of losing their job, but the times I've done this, things actually got better for everyone, I received a promotion, and a raise.
isingtomyducky: I've tried that like 3 times already. I'm very outspoken. My boss doesnt like it. She has never done anything besides piss n moan. Nothing's ever Good enough for her. So I have to kiss ass till I can transfer stores
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Ahh, that's unfortunate. Good luck to you.
isingtomyducky: Thank you... I need it haha
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Actually, come to think of it, have you gone to her boss? There are no laws against getting your boss fired/replaced/whatever'd.
Hell, that's what one of my situations turned in to.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1403809182 | 1403888830 | t3_2968z6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by gifting a refillable debit card instead of a gift card
I was buying a gift card for my cousin who just graduated HS and is going to a state university. I don't know what she wants so I'm determined to get one of those Credit Card company gift cards so she can spend it wherever.
The one I find says "NOT A GIFTCARD."
I ask at the register, "So you can fill this card with $$ and spend it wherever you want right?"
"Yep."
Perfect. So I gave my cousin the card at her party. Now it's 2 weeks later and her dad, my uncle, calls. She's been wrestling with activating the card. He figures it's "a scam," because they want her SS#.
That's when it hits me. It said "NOT A GIFTCARD" because it's NOT A FUCKING GIFTCARD. It's probably a refillable debit card parents give their kids when they go away to school so they can track the money their kids are spending.
This wouldn't be a big deal if my Dad and my uncle, who are brothers, weren't in a big fight over money and if my uncle was able to give his kids money when they go away to school which, judging from the past, is not the case.
So my dad is so mad that he doesn't go to my cousin's graduation party and I show up with a refillable debit card implying that her parents can't help her.
At this point I can't bring up the mistake or the money trouble. I'll just send her some Starbucks money over Facebook since that's a thing now.
Zazie_Lavender: You didn't fuck up.
Silverlight42: His non gift card gift card would imply otherwise.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403809353 | 1403880092 | t3_2969ay | t5_2to41 | 98 | Dirtyd1989: TIFU by making an adoption joke
Let me preface this by saying I have a really "messed up" sense of humor, and I am some times called heartless.
A couple co-workers and I were standing outside on break talking about having kids or adopting. One of my female co-workers (who was adopted) said that she will probably adopt kids instead of having her own. I jokingly, without thinking, say "I couldn't adopt kids. Why would I want something that someone else has already thrown away". Immediately the small group goes silent as I think to myself "probably shouldn't have said that".
As it turns out her birth mother was a total piece of shit and did some truly heinous things. This co-worker wasn't adopted until she was 4 years old and still has occasional nightmares of stuff she remembers happening before her adoption.
I apologized a bunch and she said it was fine and that she can take a joke, but before this comment we talked quite a bit but now she has been very standoff-ish towards me.
I had no idea her situation was so rough, and now I hope she doesn't hate me. But honestly she kind of has a pretty good right to.
[deleted]: Maybe the mother gave her away because she didn't have a sense of humour :)
adamweaver43: dude...
[deleted]: dude?
adamweaver43: bro...
[deleted]: brah!
adamweaver43: [](/lyrapoker)
| 7 | 14 | |
1403811039 | 1403827807 | t3_296ckg | t5_2to41 | 117 | Aeaids: TIFU by browsing reddit
Last night i was staying overnight at my friends house and we were having a pretty sizable party. As the party dies down and about 20 people are there i decide that its a good time to browse reddit, since i committed to staying the entire night. I open up my laptop and get through about 5 posts in r/funny (not going to link because you all should know what it is by now). Out of nowhere a balloon filled with about a half liter of oil flies out of nowhere and hits me right in the face and splashes all over my computer. At this point im pretty pissed and im wondering how to fix this problem, and a dude walks up and says something along the lines of 'hey I know about computers, i know how to clean your computer off.' I follow him and set my laptop on the kitchen counter and take out the battery when out of the corner of my eye i see him rip out my keyboard. I get up, kick him out and just sit there, trying my hardest to clean all this oil off of my laptop. After about 2 hours of cleaning i boot up the laptop and all i can see is oil dripping down from inside (?) the screen. I get to my login page and i realize my keyboard is done for good.
Also I'm posting this from a library.
Zamouie: Was there alcohol involved? I seriously cut my involvement with that stuff out of my life around 22, and around 24 I had a house and my 3rd kid on the way and just refused to even have it around me at all (drunken parties at my house, friends' places, etc).
playwithurcucc: You sound fun
Zamouie: You like to go shooting? Blow stuff up with tannerite? Fishing? Hiking? Board games? PC games? Smoke cigars while watching a nice sunset? Teach and show kids new things in life?
C'mon now, there's more to life than getting wasted and some of us want to grow up and have *super magical grown up fun*! :)
taggs_: Sounds like your problem was hanging out with douchebags, not alcohol.
You can do all that stuff AND enjoy a couple of drinks with friends. They aren't mutually exclusive.
Zamouie: You're right about the douchbags part for a lot of it. I still do drink, my favorite liquors are Southern Comfort and Tito's. If you love vodka then you know about Tito's. If like vodka and haven't tried it, you should. If you don't like vodka, then this is the one to try. It's seriously good stuff and I only learned about it a year or so ago when my brother came back from Austin, TX, where it's made.
*Drunken parties* with people banging in *my* bathroom, breaking stuff, starting fights, leaving spills & trash everywhere, etc -- are not appealing. My wife and I did a lot of partying together as a couple, and then even a few years into being married and with kids. There's still some good memories from it and every now and then good times were had, without any BS, but it's just not something I'm really interested in anymore.
IOUaUsername: I was kinda like that with rum. I hated the disgusting flavour until I found out that all rum in bars here was locally-produced Bundaberg Rum. Now that I've discovered Carribean rum, it's a whole new world of smoothness (when I can afford to drop $45 a bottle due to our huge alco tax).
| 7 | 16.714286 | |
1403811145 | 1403833097 | t3_296crh | t5_2to41 | 34 | lurker_at_worker: TIFU by requesting a vacation day
This morning I sent a form to my manager requesting Monday as a vacation day. Beforehand I double-checked with HR to make sure I had all of my accrued vacation time and used time listed accurately for the submission.
My manager comes to me afterwards, and asks why my annual and remaining vacation hours are so high. HR had increased my time a year ago for time of service, which I told my manager.
Manager goes to HR, and it turns out I wasn't supposed to have that increase for another two years (next summer) and so it was removed.
I lost almost 70 hours of accrued vacation hours by trying to take a single day off.
friend_of_bob_dole: Hah, that's nothing!
I worked 2 years of 60 hour weeks, accruing comp time that I was allowed to use as needed in lieu of accrued PTO, thus accumulating over 230 hours of PTO (following company policy).
Then one day, totally out of the blue and without warning, my boss/owner (who had approved of everything regarding comp time and PTO prior to this) suddenly decided that "comp time" wasn't a real thing, and that the time I'd taken off over the past few year (counting against my comp time) should actually be counted against my PTO, and stripped all 230 hours from me. And I didn't even actually take that much time off over the years!
buffalo_Fart: then he needs to pay you for all the worked overtime
friend_of_bob_dole: Yes... Yes he does. Lawsuit is pending, but not promising.
buffalo_Fart: write your state congressman or inquire about small claims court if the number isnt that large. if he did it to you im sure he did it to other people you work with.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1403812687 | 1403915666 | t3_296fmw | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by admitting to wanting more boobies in my life
Happened last night (~16 hours ago).
So I'm walking with my wife in a major metropolitan city, heading back to our car at a garage. It's late, we're both tired, and we had a pretty fun evening so far.
Anywho, wife joked earlier about liking boobs, so it was a running joke the rest of the night. Upon passing a strip club, wife "jokes" by asking if I want to step inside, to which I reply that I'd love to buy her a dance. Pay for some titties in her face. She got a bit embarrassed and I said something along the lines of "you wanted to play with boobies, here's your chance".
Her response? "Do you want to play with other boobies?" Being a little dense and not realizing this was a trap, I stupidly insinuate something other than "Yours are the only ones for me" (can't remember the exact wording). Either way, I thought we were joking, we were having a good time, no big deal. Right?
Wrong. She gets very sullen for the rest of the walk, we get to the car a few minutes later, and she's silent on the drive home (looking like she's on the verge of tears). No amount of apologizing, communicating, or displays of affection could change anything.
At about 2:30PM my time, I get an email from her stating that she feels "defeated" by my love, and she doesn't know if she can do it anymore. All because I joked about wanting more breasts in my life.
***TL;DR: Wife wants to divorce me because I joked about wanting more (other) boobies in my life.***
Darkenshade: I think shes having some other problems that this just made apparent...
[deleted]: ^ This. I have a feeling OP is oblivious to a larger issue of some sort... my fiancée's instant reaction to this was that she is either cheating or OP said some other things that he just didn't register as significant.
Either way, red flags are flying.
CurseOfTheCLG: Why would your girlfriend suggest she's cheating unless..... She has done it herself. Bro I think u might have a problem
[deleted]: lol... yeah right there's no way.... wait... but...what if... FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
CurseOfTheCLG: If I were u I would be highly alert before tying the knot.
[deleted]: I just called it off... much thanks brother!
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1403815596 | 1404060508 | t3_296gyk | t5_2to41 | 1 | TwistedEnigma: because you're complaining about getting laid.
Teotwawki69: Hey, at least he's getting laid, unlike you, apparently.
TwistedEnigma: I'm.getting plenty, people need to learn to take a fucking joke.
Teotwawki69: When you start it out coming across as a homophobic asshole, it's hard to turn that boat around.
TwistedEnigma: How was what I said homophobic?
Teotwawki69: >Did you guys break up because she realized she was dating a woman?
That, right there. Homophobic and misogynistic and assholish.
So, want to take it over from the top?
TwistedEnigma: Assholish maybe if it wasn't a joke but I don't think you understand what the other 2 words mean.
Teotwawki69: I have a pretty good idea of what "she" means when it's directed toward a male, yeah.
TwistedEnigma: What the fuck are you talking about!
| 9 | 0.111111 | |
1403813875 | 1403820185 | t3_296ht1 | t5_2to41 | 24 | TheReal_DirtyDan: TIFU by telling my mom to run over her boss.
So a lot like other posts here this didn't happen today, it happened a few months ago.
So a little back story, my mother does not like her job nor her boss. She complains about them quite often and I end up hearing a lot of it. Now for the story:
So it was a nice, sunny day. The weather was warm and good to be outside. My mother and I were driving home from the store (I decided to go with her I don't really know why) but anyway, we were driving down the street and my mother pouts out a woman jogging. She said it was her Boss, so I brilliantly say "why don't you just hit her..." And my mother found this quite funny. Any way fast forward a few days and my moms as work, she decides to tell her fellow work mates what I said over the weekend. So she tells her friends and another co-worker hears this and doesn't like it. So, bitchy co-worker tells the boss...that I told my mom to hit.... So... The boss confronts my mom about it and very clearly was not amused. My mother told her "yes, my son did say that and I apolagize". So after this the boss goes in her office and starts balling her eyes out.... And that almost costed my mother her job.
Kermit64: Doesn't sound like you fucked up, your mom did due to her inability of shutting the fuck up.
comedygene: And the boss needs to wear her big girl pants. Mainly this. Actually entirely this.
TheReal_DirtyDan: Everyone else hates her, this has happened to her more than once.
AMakS124: Then obviously she needs to put two and two together and realize she's probably a huge bitch. She should consider that a wake up call if anything.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1403814391 | 1403859351 | t3_296iqr | t5_2to41 | 37 | Lazylifter: TIFU By Leaving My Car Unlocked
Last night/this morning I fucked up, Reddit.
I live in a decent house in a cul-de-sac, but it has a walkway that links it with a main road about 50 yards from my house. This walkway is pretty well traveled as it allows you to walk from the main road to all of the houses, the elementary school, and etc that are in my housing area. My town has a pretty decent homeless/vagrant population and I have called the police regarding homeless persons essentially living behind my neighbors house, to give you an idea of how it is in my area.
Hell, I had to call EMS a few months ago about a homeless guy passed out drunk in the middle of the street in front of my house. So drunk he thought I was in HIS house.
Anyway, I had parked in my driveway last night and had accidentally left my snub nose revolver in my center console. I asked my wife to get my iPad out of the backseat last night and apparently my dumb ass forgot to lock up the car afterwards.
Yup, you guessed it. I went out to the car this morning to go to the gym and found the contents of my center console all spread out on my passenger seat, with my revolver and some extra rounds missing.
I filed the police report and got a little under half of the guns value back from insurance, but I'm still a dumbass.
I am an active member of the gun community, go shooting every damn week, and know how stupid it is. Hell, I'm more pissed about some scum-bag having MY GUN and using it to buy drugs or mug someone then I am about the loss of the value of it.
FUCK! I feel violated, stupid, and ignorant. I'm usually really good about not leaving valuables in the car to be targeted, and here I am getting my shit stolen out of my own fucking driveway because I'm a dumbass.
TL;DR: Left car unlocked with gun in center console. Got gun stolen. I are dumb.
EDIT: a word
octavesemitone: if someone gets killed, and it's your bullets, i would feel so sick
Lazylifter: I don't hold myself responsible for other peoples actions. Yes, it would suck and I would feel badly, but the actions of a scumbag are theirs, not mine. Using your reasoning if I sell a gun and the person commits a crime with it, I should feel terrible? What about a car? I sell a car and the person goes crazy and kills someone by running them down, is that my fault?
Deadarf: But you didn't sell it, it was stolen. Don't mean to bust your chops, but if you sell a gun or car, there's records etc. I'm very sorry you had your revolver stolen, but that's how criminals get their hands on firearms. In the Army, they told us if you forget your weapon, you don't deserve to have one.
Lazylifter: Oh, believe me, I know what you mean. I'm active Army myself.
I am beating myself up about it, but holding myself responsible for someone else's actions does nothing to help me or anyone else.
I've sold plenty of guns, legally, most of the time with a bill of sale, but even when I didn't I would not hold myself responsible for their actions.
I feel like shit for allowing my property to be stolen, but every American should be judged and held accountable for THEIR actions, not mine.
Turd_in_the_hole: Of course you bear some responsibility for what someone else does with this. If it's been stolen by someone mentally unstable who really shouldn't be near a gun and goes on a rampage, or by some kids who accidentally blow each other's heads off, then the buck stops with you. Without your negligence it could not reasonably happen.
Lazylifter: And someone could use the gasoline I leave outside in a jug to burn down an apartment building.
Or the brick I left outside to bash someone's head in.
Or the stick I left in my yard to stab someone.
Or the plastic bag I left in my garbage can to suffocate someone.
Need I go on?
Turd_in_the_hole: If you can't see the difference in kids finding a stick, a brick or a plastic bag, and a gun and ammo then heaven help us.
Lazylifter: No, I see the difference, I'm just drawing parallels. A kid who steals from a car in a driveway in the middle of the night is not "finding" a gun, though, is he?
Turd_in_the_hole: Most likely not, but how are you to know that it's not someone with severe learning difficulties, escaped from their carer, who genuinely doesn't know much right from wrong, jumps into an unlocked car for whatever reason and finds a shiny gun just like they've seen in the movies... Or a little kid that mistakenly thinks the car is his father's... OK, pretty far fetched examples, but plausibly true, and you can't really shift responsibility over to any other competent person. It's your job to ensure the weapon doesn't fall into unsafe hands, and if it does then you've failed in that and must take responsibility for the consequences.
y0us1rn4me: Why are you going out of your way to make OP feel even worse about what's happened? Do you really not have anything better to do with your time?
Turd_in_the_hole: WTF- trying to make feel any worse? You muppet. He's just been arguing with me that it's not his responsibility if a kid blows it's head off. I'm simply pointing out it is, and wouldn't be here if OP recognised that. Fuck his feelings (no offence op). He needs to realise. So do you.
| 12 | 3.083333 | |
1403818286 | 1403878111 | t3_296pmh | t5_2to41 | 2 | Slivr: TIFU By leaving my Facebook open on my dad's phones
So I'm 14 and I meet my first marijuana dealer. I tell my dad to drive to his house because he's a "friend" but really I was trying to buy some marijuana from him. While we are driving to his house I tell my dad I need his phone to check Facebook messages (since he told me his location via Facebook) then we stop at his house. I hang out with him, buy some weed then leave.
Well it turns out we he picked me up he saw my messages saying "how much a gram? "what are we gonna smoke from?" you get the idea.
My mom and dad take away pretty much everything and send me to my room. My dad said "we'll talk about your punishment tommorrow."
TL;DR went to friends house and bought weed, dad found out
[deleted]: You didn't fuck up by keeping FB logged in, you fucked up by taking drugs.
Slivr: Well....The fucking up was because of leaving Facebook on.
Holliman48: Today you fucked up by posting this thread. Seriously OP, smoke weed your senior year. Now is the time to focus. 14? That's a joke. If you were my son, I'd kick your fucking ass... With love, of course.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1403818088 | 1403873500 | t3_296p9z | t5_2to41 | 261 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting a professor to keep her word
Regester: Damn that was pretty mean to lead you up to the deadline.
mythrowawayresponse: yeah douche-move - well unless she's got Alzheimer's.
Regester: true
sickduck22: if she had alzheimer's she would have forgotten she said she was going to do it... but this bitch was making excuses. Not alzheimer's. No excuse for that.
sparta_reddy: May be she doesn't know how to write a fucking reference letter.
| 6 | 43.5 | |
1403819085 | 1403945427 | t3_296qyu | t5_2to41 | 6 | dippingmahstick: TIFU by having loud nasty sex while living with my disabled mother.
So last week me and my gf get sloppy drunk. We go down into my room in the basement and start getting to business, real nasty shit with loud smacking and moaning. I try keeping her quiet, but I'm so drunk that I start not giving a shit. After at least 2 hours of on and off sexy time we finally pass out.
Unfortunately I forgot that my wheelchair bound mother's room has a vent directly to the basement. She was basically forced to listen to her son have sex. She confronted me the morning after in a very awkward conversation.
OneTimeIsAll: Oh look! **Another** sex post! These are all so original and great!
FYI: Nobody gives a **single** fuck.
Frappo: The bitterness ;___; nick related?
OneTimeIsAll: Who the fuck is nick?
cliffahead: Username. Your username.
OneTimeIsAll: You're still making absolutely no sense. Who in fucks name is Nick?
cliffahead: nick is not a person. nick literally refers to your username.
"The bitterness ;___; (your username) related?"
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1403818931 | 1403883816 | t3_296qov | t5_2to41 | 51 | falcolivesinaldo: TIFU i left home a few weeks ago, now my brother has followed me across the country
I am a 17 year old guy, i fled from my house in London to live in Luton.
So this is it how it started at breakfast time, i was about to pour my self some cereal. Then my dad stopped me, he wanted me to eat my brothers left over cereal (he is very tight with his money). I declined his request then the situation escalated, he took out the out the belt from his waist and started whipping me. This lasted half an hour. Then he dragged me out of the kitchen and started beating me with a table leg which he found lying around. I tried to stand my ground, just to get a knee shoved in my face. I was crawling helplessly to the phone to call the police, but he just stamped me down like an insect. I managed to get loose, i stole his bike and wallet and ran for it (later that day).
I moved to Luton, to live with my auntie. However this didnt go well, she saw me having intercourse with a black girl in her house.
One of my friend let me stay at his house, this is where the tifu begins my brother tracked my location (facebook) and i find a message on facebook saying he is going to run away. I told him he can stay with me, when he arrived my friend said that we can only stay for another few days, both of us will be homeless soon.
i dont know what to do :(
porcia918: I don't know the laws in your country, but if you are running from an abusive parent - you can call the Police to direct you to a safe place to stay and get you the proper help for yourself and your brother. They should be able to pick you up and take you to the right place.
Just tell them everything that happened - your life was in danger, you can't go home, they will help you.
EDIT: Thank you so much for the gold!
TheMaidenDragon: I'm ~~like 90%~~ 100% sure this is fake...
This is written like a post earlier, the username was something like... jaredlivesinharred or something, sorry that it's not accurate. Posing as someone's long-lost brother who ran away somewhere in Europe. Similar story, written with lowercase i's.
Just found it, [here it is.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/296qru/tifu_by_having_my_bro_worried_all_this_time/)
I just think it's a teeny bit funny that someone gave you gold on a post that is totally fake. Still good advice, though!
Edit: oh, and the person's username who posted the first brother story is named "[phalco](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/294fc8/tifu_by_outing_finding_out_someones_username/)", lol.
tonysbeard: This isnt the same story at all... Just because theyre both about brothers running away from home doesnt mean it's the same thing. Im not disagreeing that this is probably a fake, im just saying your post doesnt make sense
TheMaidenDragon: It's the names... jarrodlivesinharrods, meaning to reply to user phalco.
And then this guy, falcolivesinaldo. Obviously the same person. And he's only kidding around, it's not like I'm calling it something horrible lol, just pointing it out.
tonysbeard: Ok thanks for clearing that up. I spent like 10 minutes going between all the posts trying to figure out what you were talking about lol
TheMaidenDragon: Yeah I guess I thought when I mentioned "jared"'s username that people would automatically look at them, whoops
| 7 | 7.285714 | |
1403818978 | 1403872312 | t3_296qru | t5_2to41 | 5 | Jarrodlivesinharrods: TIFU by having my bro worried all this time
Well, it was a while ago when i ran away from home, because of my parent's divorce, it was just me and my brother who really understood each other and we were close. After that we lived with our grandma, but that didn't go so well for me, i never really expressed what i felt at that point in time to my brother, but i really hated my life.
Since then i moved to London, i've actually been living life! I got a job now at harrods, i socialise, i work out and i even have my own place near the Queen's Buckingham palace, where i live with my gf.
I'm so sorry that i haven't been in contact bro, but i had a lot going on from when i ran away, i have been in number of life/death situations and i even was close to getting kidnapped, but now i managed to get a life.
tonysbeard: Oh cool, so you just looked up the only things you knew about london and decided to pretend you live there and are posing as some dudes brother. Next time you decide to be an ass try to at least research it a bit. You work at harrods? You mean the only store someone who has never been to london has heard of? Oh, you live next to buckingham palace? Do you mean you live in Chelsea? The most expensive fucking neighborhood in London? You're full of shit and you arent even good at it
Jarrodlivesinharrods: Haha thats where you fail, because i do live in London. Rendering your attempt to make me look stupid, invalid.
tonysbeard: Haha you still look stupid
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1403819601 | 1403865487 | t3_296rw8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a fingernail biter (nsfw-ish)
Okay, so I am a notorious fingernail biter. I've been biting my fingers all my life and trying to stop doing it. However, never managed to do it, because it happens involuntairy when I am bored. So I was at the supermarket and saw a product called [Byte-X](http://img687.imageshack.us/img687/4552/bytex.jpg), it's a clear nail polish with a terrible taste. Imagine the most bitter bile you've ever tasted, but worse. It worked perfectly, every time I bit my nails I would almost throw up and I didn't bite them all day long.
Fast forward 4 hours. My girlfriend is at my place and things get a little bit frisky. I start by fingering her a bit, continuing to go down on her. Then I tasted it, the most vile taste get in my mouth. I immediately start throwing up, all over her and my bed. I didn't realize it was the byte-x, so I thought something was wrong with her.
Worst. Sex. Ever.
OneTimeIsAll: Shit, here we go again with the sex posts! Like these weren't enough:
TIFU by fingering my wife
TIFU by not masturbating
TIFU by meatspinning my mom
TIFU trying to spice things up with my wife
TIFU by masturbating with my mom sitting next to me
TIFU by giving my little cousin a vibrator for his birthday
TIFU by telling my crush what my cum smells like
TIFU by doing my laundry naked
TIFU by having really enthusiastic sex NSFW
TIFU NSFW- a story of the time I spilled my cum bucket all over the rug
TIFU by jerking off in a porto-john
TIFU by exposing myself to a group of prepubescent children
TIFU by having my boyfriend's mom walk in on me blowing her son
TIFU by masturbating. NSFW
steezyvape: Dude, chillout. It's easy to fuckup with sex, and it becomes very embarrassing. That's why there are so many. If it bothers you that much, message a mod and petition for a temporary ban like rule 10.
Then we can move on to something else.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403821286 | 1403822088 | t3_296uwh | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By pressing send.
So my friend was texting me, trying to start some drama. She was mad because I jokingly told someone she liked me and sent me a three-message text rant over how I should watch myself. Now, normally I do not get involved over such silly drama, but I was bored so I figured what the hell, let's test my creative writing skills. I started typing out a rant in response, **with the intent of deleting the finished message** just to see how far I could take it. So I type out this long text, and feel good that I have vented and set out to delete the message and ignore her. Instead of tapping backspace, I accidentally press send to the following message:
> And btw, the fact that your so insecure that you go off on someone like that over nothing is seriously depressing. Not only that, but you don't even realize the irony in he fact that you try to make ME feel bad over starting "rumors" by saying that you talk shit behind my back. How can you be so basic? I thought you were a true friend, someone I could talk to, and then you send me a laughable little rant like this over something so stupid and meaningless. My eyes are wide open now, and I can see why you go through drama with almost every single friend you have. Maybe you should take a second to self-evaluate. Or are you too scared of what you'll find? I would be scared too, so let me go ahead and explain what everyone else sees: your just a scared little girl who doesn't do anything. Your daddy grounds you from tv and the mall, so you get so damn bored that you go around and start dumb ass, eighth grade drama over nothing in a little attempt to cure the withdrawal you have from your MTV and BET drama. Keep it up and one day you'll wake up and find that you have burnt every damn bridge possible and that you have no friends. Nobody truly cares about you. Nobody even remembers who you are! You hold literally no value to anything. Your fucking pathetic. A waste of genetic materiel and your spot in the universe would be better filled with a spec of dust. It should be a crime for you to take up the resources required to power the two brain-cells within your thick little skull.
So now I'm probably going to be part of some psycho drama. Oopsie daisy...
badbluemoon: I feel like this person isn't really your friend, if this is how you feel about her. You're both probably better off without each other.
XxmunkehxX: I know, to be honest I don't really feel this way, I just wanted to be satirical (?) for a little. But I don't plan on hanging out with her anytime soon either.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403825003 | 1403889959 | t3_2970yp | t5_2to41 | 96 | SidePone: TIFU by eating cat poop.
Not a throwaway, because fuck it. Shit happens. Cat shit even.
Let me start the story with some background info. I have two kids, 2.5 and 1.5, and one pretty awesome cat, Pig. Lately Pig has been risking his "pretty awesome" status by shitting in our kids' play room. For no fucking reason. He pees in his litter box always and 95% of the time does his shits in the damn box, but that other 5% of the time he shits in the play room. What the actual shit, cat?
So, tonight, we order a pizza for dinner (tired parents of toddlers), and are eating it on the couch watching "The League" on Netflix (lazy parents of toddlers) while the kids are playing near us in the play room/area (open concept home). My son runs up to me and climbs up on me. I am tickling him and "eating" his belly, which makes his sister jealous. She runs up whining that she wants me to put him down and pick her up, indicating this by stretching her arms out towards me. Not wanting to be a shitty mom, no pun-intended, and stop playing with my son in her favor, I figure out a way to bring her into the play by tickling my son and gobbling up her outstretched fingers.
Her normally adorable, edible baby fingers rape my taste buds with something very strange. Then it hits me like a wall of shit bricks what exactly is in my mouth as the the smell of Pig's awful ass fudge reaches my nose. Now I DO do the shitty mom thing and hip-check both children out of the way and run to the bathroom where I rinse my mouth and brush my teeth for a solid 10 minutes while shouting to my husband to, please, for the love of God, please, get her into the tub.
I am normally on top of cleaning up his chocolate ass sundaes, because the smell is god-awful, but I guess Pig snuck a turd by us. And my daughter played in it like play dough. Ass-dough.
Forever unclean.
norahceh: May want to check out what concentrated exposure to [toxoplasmosis](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxoplasmosis) can do.
Silverlight42: For the lazy, here are some highlights!
>Up to a third of the world's human population is estimated to carry a Toxoplasma infection.
>During the first few weeks after exposure, the infection typically causes a mild, flu-like illness or no illness. However, those with weakened immune systems, such as those with AIDS and pregnant women, may become seriously ill, and it can occasionally be fatal.
>Infection with T. gondii has been shown to alter the behavior of mice and rats in ways thought to increase the rodents’ chances of being preyed upon by cats.
>Treatment is often only recommended for people with serious health problems
>The most substantial body of evidence linking T. gondii to a neurological disorder involves the potential association between schizophrenia and infection with the parasite.
>In addition to psychological disorders such as OCD, schizophrenia, and depression, T. gondii can also lead to its host having higher risk for being in a car accident when compared to T. gondii negative individuals. A study in Czech Republic found that latent toxoplasmosis patients were involved in accidents 2.65 more times than people without toxoplasmosis infection.
>Numerous studies found a positive correlation between latent toxoplasmosis and suicidal behavior in humans.
Scary stuff.
SidePone: Well...shit....
neutral_cadence: It's pretty easy, just don't get AIDS.
Edit: Also, mad props for not using a throwaway account. =)
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1403824544 | 1403910329 | t3_297086 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by making me look like a pedophile
Okay, background; I'm a man in his late forties who grew up always walking everywhere. My family could never afford a car so that explains now, if I see someone I know in my small town I need to offer them a lift.
So I was driving around in my car one morning when I saw a girl, roughly 11 years old. I'd seen her a lot before and recognized her. Now I was feeling good that day and she was walking to school in her uniform. I asked her if she wanted a lift into school, she paused for a second and quickly replied "uhm no thanks" and ran off. I picked up my local newspaper and guess what was in it. "Mystery man attempted to pick up girl"
[deleted]: *local newspaper and guess what was in it. "Mystery man attempted to pick up girl"*
Maybe OP just fucked up and was unsuccesful at luring a victim, and since his failed attempt has received some local attention he thinks he will be caught shortly and he is just posting this post for some plausible deniability. Like if was to be caught and interrogated he will most likely be like " I swear I just want to give her a ride, you can even check my reddit account!"
upvotestomepls: Confirmed, I'm writing as head of local police department
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1403827387 | 1403829668 | t3_2974ny | t5_2to41 | 4 | Marysthrow: TIFU by running in the heat after dinner
kinda_alone: Hi,
Your submission has been removed. It would be more appropriate for I Shat Myself Saturday. Please repost then.
Marysthrow: that's a thing now? Man, I haven't been in recently to see changes
kinda_alone: We just started it. The goal is to get more of a variety during the week and to give the genre that helped us grow special recognition.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403825400 | 1403879095 | t3_2971n2 | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying my friend a vibrator NSFW
I have a friend who is extremely uptight and doesn't date much, probably due to her anal retentiveness.
So for her birthday, I thought it would be both a gag gift and tension remedy to buy her one of those bullet vibrators (waterproof, it said so on the box!) with the controlled speeds. I KNEW she didn't own anything of the sort, and I thought her having one and being able to use it might brighten her mood and general personality. When she opened her gift, she was shocked, a little embarrassed, but definitely intrigued.
A few weeks later I hear from my other friend that uptight friend brought it with her in the shower, got things going, passed out, and woke up on the shower floor with vomit all over her. Friend confirmed it when I confronted her about it, and swore off all sex toys from then on.
No one can really explain why it happened.. wtf
bakPackRap: She held her breath during the climax or strong stimulation and cut the oxygen from her brain. With all the excitement and her heart rate racing, it came fast.
ramones365: So you're saying she thoroughly enjoyed the gift.
bakPackRap: Your name is very familiar. We've spoke a long time ago somewhere. Now I shall investigate.
In other news, her friend did indeed like the gift.
ramones365: Are you sure? I checked my inbox, your name only appears once.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1403830931 | 1403909974 | t3_297a25 | t5_2to41 | 107 | l3th4rgic: TIFU by falling asleep in my living room and having a wet dream.
So what is said in the title happens. I wake up to my mom touching my forhead. She asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine, why?
"You were moaning so loud, you woke me up."
As I register what she said, I felt my face burn red and I told her I must have been having a nightmare. I can't really look at my mom in the eye now because she probably thinks her daughter was rubbing one out on the couch. :(
WPBDoc: TIL Girls have wet dreams??????
[deleted]: We do indeed! They are amazing. Waking up to an orgasm is the best thing ever. I think it may be more common for guys though.
Evref: Sounds like it correlates to high libido.
l3th4rgic: Still a teenager, so I suppose that's why. Hormones and shit.
deviantelf: I'm twice as old as a teenager can be... and don't worry, you may still enjoy them later in life :).
mouseink: Yep. I can confirm this. Poor OP, how embarrassing.
| 7 | 15.285714 | |
1403829297 | 1403886438 | t3_2977np | t5_2to41 | 2 | BitGreedy: TIFU by running out of moist toilet paper.
Typical. Find out I have the runs and I don't have any moist toilet roll to help with wiping. And since this was at midnight, no shops open.
DARKCRAYON: When in such a predicament, use your saliva.
After folding paper (you better not be some chaotic paper scruncher) and spit on or lick said paper.
You may think of it to be "disgusting" but, seriously. It's not touched your ass at that point, so why the fuck not just save yourself the money from your "baby wipes".
Edited to not be such a dick.
AlmondSeason: Why not use flipping water dude?
DARKCRAYON: Because for those without arms long enough to reach the sink, that would involve getting up and possibly spreading shit debri over ones ass cheeks lol.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1403834589 | 1403842473 | t3_297fpb | t5_2to41 | 5 | methnewb: TIFU: I burned my lips.
I was making smores and had a fork over the flame of my stove with a marshmallow attached. I placed the marshmallow on the graham cracker. Pain ensued just after.
[deleted]: TYFU: Making a poor and undescriptive TIFU.
methnewb: I've read very concise and clear two sentenced TIFU subjects which were commended for their 'to the point' approach.
You would have scolded me anyway if I posted two paragraphs and not put a TLDR at the end.
Pfft! People on reddit.
[deleted]: The problem is not how short it is, the problem is that it isn't concise or clear.
methnewb: S'more: a sweet snack consisting of a chocolate bar and toasted marshmallows sandwiched between graham crackers.
Fork: an implement with two or more prongs used for lifting food to the mouth or holding it when cutting.
[Read here on how to make a S'more.](http://brands.nabisco.com/honeymaid/smores/pages/how-to-make-smores.aspx)
The process of making a s'more involves heating the marshmallow over an open flame.
Hot fork+lips and absence of mind = burned lips.
lol I'm not sure how else to illustrate this. Unless you want me to approach my story in a fashion Tom Clancy would.
Dinosoarman: Brando is totally wack.
methnewb: I need coffee.
| 7 | 0.714286 | |
1403835395 | 1403857619 | t3_297gxq | t5_2to41 | 67 | throwawayppppppppppp: TIFU By dating my Biological sister.
When I was fourteen, (I'm fifteen now) I dated a friend that I had known for about three years. So I looked my history up on a family history site one day, and I saw her name next to mine. She was my biological sister. I did further research through the internet and asking my non-biological parents. Of whom I thought were my parents until I asked. Turns out that we had been born by a raped teenage that abandoned us at our birth. So we were both chosen by different families, at a young age, and then we happened to go to sister schools. We went to numerous activities together and one day, I told her that she was my biological sister and the back story as to our adoption and birth. She blocked me on all the things we used communicate with. I'm going to talk to her tonight, even though I've had the chance to talk to her all year as we both still do numerous activities with other people from our schools and other neighboring ones.
Edit: So I talked to her tonight, she said that she was over it, and she hasn't told anyone, except for her parents, who were supportive of the situation. She had told her friends, however that "she now hates me and that she never wants to talk to me again" She said that the reason the said that was to get both of our friends off out backs about her not talking to me and me not caring.
Ingens_Testibus: This isn't as uncommon as you might think. Years ago, some magazine show or another did a piece on this same scenario; although, it was a bit crazier...there were evidently like 6 kids that had been adopted out and at least 4 of them had been in a relationship with one another before learning the truth. One couple was even married or engaged.
throwawayppppppppppp: That's really crazy coincidence.
Dont_starve_noob: Imagine if you ended up getting your dick wet her.
throwawayppppppppppp: I don't even want to think about that.
custardnom: Yes you do.
Mouler: Sounds more like a setup for the new Star Wars movie. Luke and Leia didn't just kiss.
Aquario_Wolf: That would be a Star Wars 7 that I'd actually watch.
| 8 | 8.375 | |
1403836395 | 1403851349 | t3_297iez | t5_2to41 | 12 | Shifty1234: TIFU
[deleted]: Don't worry... it gets easier next year in 11th grade.
Theenglishteabag: LOL.
| 3 | 4 | |
1403836506 | 1403839858 | t3_297img | t5_2to41 | 7 | 5odR6D: TIFU by taking a sip of water (NSFL)
I, like many others, keep a glass of water on my nightstand in case I wake up thirsty. In the wee hours of this morning I awoke feeling somewhat parched, so I naturally reached for my glass. I took two sips of water before something... bumped against my lips. It felt like a lump of paper. "The fuck?" I think to myself. I set down my glass and turn on the lamp.
A dead spider. Floating in my night-water.
I immediately hopped in the shower and let soapy water run in and around my mouth but it still doesn't feel clean. I ended up staying awake watching documentaries on Netflix because I couldn't get back to sleep.
I bought a nalgene bottle today.
ecclectic: Hey, at least it wasn't a cockroach.
swearinjoe: Maybe the spider climbed in to eat the cockroach
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403838417 | 1403892019 | t3_297ldz | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my son see his girlfriend
My son is 17, in love, and diabetic. I dropped him off with his phone and ipod at his girlfriend's house with instructions that we would pick him up at 6:30pm. He called shortly after that and asked if he could make it 8. My husband told him 7 was as late as we could do because we are leaving for the cabin tomorrow and have a lot to do. Come pick up time and he is no where to be found. His phone was off, ipod not in wifi range. I talked to someone at our carrier that told me his phone was most likely turned off shortly after talking to us because there has been no activity on it since then. My husband talked to her mother that had no idea about the meeting. My husband spent the next 2 1/2 hours driving around looking for him, while I stayed home, calling him, texting him, and then calling hospitals and the police. Her mother finally calls and said that a neighbor saw them at a rec center. My husband finally finds him 3 hours after he was supposed to meet us. He has no excuse. I don't know what the hell to do. Every mother's nightmare and now I just don't know what to do. Any ideas on how to punish this ungrateful, inconsiderate, asshole? Background is that my son has type 1 diabetes, he has been dating this girl for a year, we are white, she is black, (which isn't an issue for us but is for her mother), she's jehovah witness, we are very different when it comes to religion, and my son tends to fall head over heels for anyone that pays attention to him. I have gone through every emotion in the past 4 hours and now I have settled on extreme anger. I just am at a loss.
Dinosoarman: So what did he do wrong? Let his phone be out of batteries, or what?
I dont think he did anything wrong. :/
MoonSpellsPink: He was supposed to meet us to bring him home 3 hours before he was found. His phone didn't run out of battery, he shut it off. He was supposed to be ready to go because we have a ton of things to do before we leave. I think no communication when you have the means to communicate and leaving your parents wondering where the hell you are for 3 hours is a big fuck up.
JussaiLLusion: Maybe they were fucking...
Dinosoarman: Well, they're if they're both 16+ it should be okay, legally speaking.
JussaiLLusion: True (depending on the state), but OP didn't seem to say anything even hinting at them having sex which was what I thought this was gonna be about.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1403839480 | 1403878363 | t3_297mu4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ericofgreatepithet: TIFU by deleting my FB without saving my photos onto my computer.
My Facebook is now totally gone and I forgot to save my photos, meaning I have no photos of my college years. FUCK.
gtodd825: You have like 2 weeks until it deletes your account. Just sign back in and it should reactivate your account
Ericofgreatepithet: I did wait two weeks. It is gone.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403840161 | 1403845686 | t3_297nrp | t5_2to41 | 116 | Looterhooter: TIFU by using my house mate's body scrub
TIFU by taking a shower after a long day at work and realized I couldn't find my bar of soap anywhere. Weird, but no big deal. Since my house mate is cool with just about anything, I figured I'd use a squirt of his awesome minty scrub so I didn't have to leave the shower to grab new soap. As I'm scrubbing, the mint is staring to feel cool all over my body. Then I feel it. An icy rush only comparable to stuffing a snowball down my pants. Suds had dripped down my butt crack and between my legs, turning my lady parts into an icy layer of hell. I'm talking cold so hard it ached. I promptly maneuvered myself onto my back, lifting my legs up in an attempt to run warm water over my nether regions, and in doing so, slipped and pulled a muscle hard in my back and thigh. I walked out of that bathroom looking like Quasimodo in a towel. Housemate said he heard a thump, and asked if I was ok.
TL;DR: used my housemates awesome mint body scrub in a pinch, got it in the nether regions, pulled muscle trying to wash it off. Became bath-time Quasimodo.
wpatter6: I had a similar experience. That menthol icy hot soap is terrible and should have a giant warning label "do not scrub on your balls"
_vargas_: I only bought it because I thought it would make me good at basketball, like Shaq. It didn't work.
Kill_All_Trolls: Instead what happened?
_vargas_: Nothing. I'm still white.
Kill_All_Trolls: Damn... Well, I could paint you if you want.
_vargas_: That won't be neccesary. I took up hockey instead.
Kill_All_Trolls: But... You could be a temporarily black hockey player, sir vargas!
_vargas_: I don't think it's allowed.
Kill_All_Trolls: A damn shame, sir. You'd be going down in history for that one. Convince the press that you're part black mamba as the paint peels... Ya know, shedding and all that. You emerge a newly minted, slightly grey vargas.
| 10 | 11.6 | |
1403841233 | 1403892377 | t3_297p75 | t5_2to41 | 9 | niceloner10463484: Tifu by jaywalking then flicking off the guy who called me out
So I didn't jaywalk THAT much. I was about one and a half car lengths from the intersection that just showed walk. I didn't want to walk to the intersection, THEN cross the street. So I decide since the cars that were coming my way were all braking anyway, I'd just go ahead and cross with caution. I trekked carefully, but once I passed this car that might have been a lowrider hatchback(I didn't exactly look), the guy shouted 'theres a place to cross, dumbass'. I flicked him off without even looking, or thinking for that matter. Then he started yelling at my direction, so i got scared and walked towards a grocery store/starbucks area with a lot of people. I hid behind a pillar while talking to this nice stranger about my fuckup. Nothing ended up happening.
What I did was completely dumb and uncalled for, and I've learned my lesson. But being the loner I am, that was probably one of the few excitig things that will happen to me in 2014. At least it came in the form of a lesson
Osafune2: I didn't know what jaywalking was when I visited America and was rather bemused to be called an "asshole" by an uncouth gentleman who drive by after I finished crossing.
niceloner10463484: In other countries it's normal. America is pretty organized and uptight in that regard. Places like China.....hell no.
Voyager5555: Because you're fucking doing it wrong. You don't interfere with the flow of the traffic, doesn't matter if you a car, a person, or riding a bike.
niceloner10463484: Yes, which is why I'm acknowleding this incident in r/tifu...
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1403840098 | 1403897189 | t3_297noc | t5_2to41 | 7 | dumbgerafe: TIFU by hearing my best friend say something racist.
mrmcmaine: Is there some kind of pool based Asian stereotype I'm unaware of? If not then Jesus Christ you have enough white guilt for you and your friend combined.
PreOmega: I think she was being more racist than her friend when she put ping pong tables first in the list, as there is a stereotype of Asians being good at ping pong.
mrmcmaine: Extreme white guilt mixed with casually referenced stereotypes? That's rare but I *love* it.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403844437 | 1403936904 | t3_297tax | t5_2to41 | 308 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a bluetooth speaker...
So.. I'm sitting here at 1 in the morning, unable to sleep because of what just happened.
Ok, so recently I found out that showers are at least 10x more enjoyable when you have music playing, so I started putting my phone next to the shower and jammin out. I decided that wasn't enough, and bought a ~600$ speaker for next to the shower, and now showering is my favorite part of the day.
Tonight, I was going through my regular routine, brushing teeth, taking a nice dump, contacts out, right before getting into bed, when I dropped my phone in the running sink. Shit. It seemed fine, so I decided to just move on. Me and my brother are staying with my parents, and they have a kickass bathroom. Heated floor, multi-headed shower, the whole nine yards. I lugged my speaker in there and took the best shower of my life.
Later, I was sitting in my bed, looking at some Reddit threads, when all of the sudden a nice titty pic appears. I make my way over to GW, but decide pictures aren't doin it for me, so. I load up the ol hub on my phone and browse for a bit, before deciding on a video. My headphones were all the way across the room, and I didn't want to watch with no volume, so I just turned the volume on very low. Nothing. I immediately thought that the speakers on my phone had broken when I dropped it in the sink. With the video still playing, I adjusted the volume a bit to see if I could get anything. Still nope. Eventually, I decided to turn it up all the way, because my sleep deprived mind figured it could just be a quiet video. I quickly drag the slider all the way up, and then hear this booming
"OH YEAH GIMME THAT COCK!"
From my parents bedroom. Realizing my mistake, I freak out, and accidentally drop my phone, leaving the video on full blast for a good 5-7 seconds. I'm sure my parents did not appreciate being woken up by a barrage of fake orgasm noises.
I heard my parents talking, so I know they heard it, but they haven't come into me or my brothers room yet. This is gonna make for an awkward breakfast.
TL;DR - Played the sweet sounds of "18 year old teenie gets pounded by black cock" to my parents at 1 in the morning.
**UPDATE** Thanks for all the replies, I fell asleep, but now I can look forward to reading all of them.
So far, nothing yet, but it's still very early, so I will keep you guise updated.
Edit 2- mom just came in my room, said they wanted to talk. Brb.
Edit 3- so, I went in their room to talk with them, and they said they already talked to my brother and knew it wasn't him. My face was burning red, but I gave off a nervous laugh and just said it was a prank meant for my brother, but I forgot to move it back in his room. (Thanks /u/timredditwis) My dad laughed really hard and just said "nice", while my super-conservative mom went on to describe the horrors of porn and why I shouldn't watch it.
It went _okay_.
[deleted]: The real TIFU here is that you spent $600 on a Bluetooth speaker
timredditwis: I got one on amazon for about $26. I use it every day, it's great.
Silverlight42: While it's likely worth the $26, it isn't great.
Even $600 is not very much if you speak to some audiophiles.
Though i'll agree it is a bit much for a bluetooth shower speaker.
issak42: I don't think audiophiles would be okay with Bluetooth sound...
Silverlight42: nope probably not. nor playing it through a cell.
issak42: He probably bought Beats or something.
Silverlight42: heh, I have a pair of those. before you judge, they are unopened and I won them. I didn't even enter any contest... work just emailed me one day and was like 'hey you gonna pick up your prize?' I'm not sure what I want to do with them. I'm sure they're better than the lame earbuds I use at work... but i'm torn.
yeaah... anyway i'm using a pair of [Sennheiser Momentum](http://en-ca.sennheiser.com/on-ear-headphone-momentum-stereo?gclid=CL6qmuSVm78CFelDMgodjXMAjg) right now. They're fairly decent.
issak42: Sell them, people are actually buying them for some reason.
| 9 | 34.222222 | |
1403844929 | 1403890525 | t3_297twq | t5_2to41 | 2,436 | igetreallybored: TIFU By maybe pissing off the Mexican cartel, and possibly being reported to the sex offender list. And almost setting a multi million dollar home on fire while causing thousands of dollars in damage and setting a new low for my capacity for being a retard.
Today was a day that will not be easily forgotten, today was the day i went "full retard". I am incredibly exhausted from working all day and i'll do my best to recollect and relive the horror, for your amusement.
During the summer i do odd jobs and handy man work, mostly painting, carpet, roofing construction type work. Today i was working for a good friends father whose opinion i highly value, performing some basic remodeling and roofing work. I got up around 3am to head to work while getting over a cold and feeling like complete crap, carpooled with said Friends father to the final destination. Due to the pressures of getting to work on time i had consumed half a bowl of fruity pebbles cereal (cold cereal) and only managed to attempt a crap. So there i was exhausted and sick, barley any energy and i felt like i had to poop the whole time.
Got to the job site, The boss had to go to work on another project and left me to fend for myself with basic instructions. I was armed with a drill, some screws, 12 tubes of Black silicon glue, Glue gun, measuring tape and a razor. The other equipment was already on site. Now this house we were working on is massive, multi million dollar home made after the style of spanish archways and villas. Massive backyard full of gardens and a lovely patio with a bar. There was a landscape crew already at work when we arrived at 6am. My instructions were to seal the porch with a rubber membrane material that you heat on, make it water proof, and fix the draining. Simple task. Only there is a catch.
Im white. Really white. And everyone else was hispanic. The owner was a powerful looking man with many tattoos and sunglasses watching us from time to time. This house must have been several million dollars, and my boss who was also hispanic had told me not to look at the owner and that the owner was a very powerful man, He mumbled something in spanish and after this very stern warning left the house.
I set up the ladder, climbed 3 stories and get to work on the material. It was brutally hot and i did not bring an adequate supply of water for my journey, and was quickly fatigued. But i pushed through the day. Finally after hours of labor in the blistering sun on my perch i was ready to water proof the patio. I loaded the black silicon tube and started to essentially calk the metal sheeting to the membrane. Using my hands to move the think goop across for a smooth look. After getting through about 12 feet of this i had built up quite a bit of goop on my hands and it was starting to get on the metal and flooring. Panicking, i looked around to find a towel. No towel. I look for water. No water. Shit. Then i realize to my horror that my boots had touched the goop, i was making neat little black marks all over the material i had just installed. I used my hands to clean the goop off the boots and afraid to touch anything I lean out from my perch to look over into the garden area and quickly located a hose on the ground floor.
Now I'm 3 stories high and can't touch anything, i saddle the brick wall and get my feet to the ladder, i twist my body so that i am facing the ladder and hold onto it with my wrists. As my body shifts its weight to the ladder i felt it slide and give way so i quickly grabbed the brick wall with one hand and held onto the ladder with the other. This stopped the ladder from falling and i was able to stabilize it for decent. I grinned at avoiding the fall and quickly grimaced when i saw the massive hand sized goop stain on the brick wall and the ladder. At this point most of the landscaping crew has stopped to watch me. Realizing the necessity to clean this shit as soon as possible i descend from the ladder and head through the gate to the garden.
Bam, there is the hose sitting in the grass. Flowers and herbs surround me and for a moment i feel as if i truly am in the heart of mexico. I go to grab the hose but realized my situation. I wrested the hose with my wrists and managed to press it against my chest to get it to spray. This caused me to become soaking wet and did nothing to satisfy my need for clean hands. Being frustrated i grab the hose with my goopy hands and start to spray them off but the goop just mixed with the water and become worse. The hose was now covered in goop and i was wet, i dragged my hands against the grass to try and get the goop off. To my horror the goop stayed and the grass became glued to my hands. I now had black goopy grass hands standing soaking wet. I look over at the gate and a landscaper was watching me, as we made eye contact he glanced away and continued his task. I looked at the house, the massive house with its hundred windows and hoped that the owner was not watching me. The sun beat down, my body begged for sugar, my stomach pleaded for relief and i needed to pee. But my hands. My fucking hands were so sticky. And covered in grass.
Think. I kept telling myself that this was like the dumb and dumber scene where the character gets chocolate all over the bathroom. I started to grin a bit and realized i looked insane. Stop grinning. Think. Focus. Acetone i thought to myself. I started to search for acetone but couldn't find any on the job site, walking with both hands held out in front of me as if they contained some deadly disease all the while the landscaping crew watched. The pressure was mounting and i found myself inside the owner garage looking for some chemical with which to cleanse my hands. Suddenly a moment of brilliance came over me, "gasoline!" my brain shouted. I found a container of gasoline and started pouring it all over my hands, it immediately started to sting the many small cuts but the goop was coming off! I added more and more until finally only a small amount of goop remained. The Grin cracked itself across my face once more. I looked down. Shit fucker! I was still in the garage and i had now dumped a good amount of gasoline mixed with goop on the nice tanned brick flooring and to make matters worse i discovered that it was mixed gasoline and the oil stain was already taking hold.
Fearful, i left the garage as quickly as i could to retreat to my perch. I got to the ladder and realized i had the gasoline with me still. "fucking sun" i thought. I then had the brilliant idea to use the gasoline to clean my mess on the porch, since it had such success with my hands. Yes, i dumped gasoline on a multi million dollar home's porch to clean black silicon tar. And it bloody worked.
Proud that the mess was gone i returned the gasoline to the garage, when it hit me. My hypoglycemic body was shutting down, i could feel the engines spin to a stop as the pilot screamed in my ears to prepare for emergency landing. I stumble my way out the garage and look into the garden and there in the archways i saw grape vines. I make my way to the vine and start eating the unripe grapes as fast as i could, just mouthfuls of them. With my tar covered gasoline hands. The smell, the heat, the sour grapes. I didn't care, i knew i had to have something or else it was the end. I lost all control, the beast within me took control as my body demanded its glucose, i scoured the garden eating what i could in a moment of pure heat exhaustion and stupidity. Strawberries with reckless abandon, Peas with vicious ignorance as i stormed my way across the land. I was halfway through contemplating tearing up a carrot when i realized a landscaper was watching me again. We made eye contact, my beard now covered in oil and tar, mouth slowly eating a handful of sour grapes. He looked amazed and afraid and quickly left the garden. I realized my dire situation, in my fury of regaining an optimal sugar concentration i had left the garden in shambles. Shambles i say. I quickly tidy up the best i could and went to leave the garden.
But, i had to pee. OH i just *had* to fucking pee. Workers were everywhere, i was in a neighbor hood and there were many windows with eyes unseen. But my sun fried brain just said "you can do this, you can be the campion of the garden". I found a corner of the house with a low fence and a tree i could pee. I carefully manipulate my zipper and attempted to get as little goopy oil grass on my penis as possible, I start peeing and was rather enjoying the situation when the neighbor pulls up in a her van full of kids and starts to unload groceries. My Dick is showing, the fence is only 3 feet high and I'm there pissing. I quickly kneel down and continue the pee fest that was happily puddeling around me. Too late. The mother had seen me with my cock out and gave a startled look. She rushed her kids inside while all i could do was stare at her. I realized i had been grinning this whole time. How long was i grinning?! Stop fucking grinning face! I look down. Piss on my knees. Muddy piss knees and black grassy hands. I start to laugh. I make my way out of the corner and realize to my horror that the dining room window was 4 or 5 ft behind my piss puddle. The owners daughters were inside eating food, i walked past and said a silent prayer that they didn't see me pee. The horror. The horror would never end. It was just the beginning.
I quickly get back to the hose to spray my pants to make it look like i wasn't covered in muddy piss, and guess who was watching me. The fucking landscaper guy. I realized now it was the same one this entire time. Just watching me spray my knees for no reason. My grin transfixed on my face. I accepted its place here in the garden. We lock eyes, his face a mix of surprise and disbelief. He sets his tools down and leaves once more.
Back to work. I climb to my perch and take measurements for a few woods cuts i needed to make even tho i had no means whereby i could cut said wood. I knew that the faster i could get the job done, the sooner i could leave without being possibly arrested or murdered.
So there i am, in the garden with a circular saw (owners) that i found in the garage. Using 2x4's (also owners) as my brace to cut scrap wood (just found it, probably owners) into the pieces i need. Everything goes smoothly until the last cut. (I was on the really nice stone patio next to the bar.)As the blade made its way across the last cut, the wood falls due to the cut being finished, this dropped my still spinning blade right onto the fancy stone patio and left a 2" long gash possibly 4-5 Cm think. "oh no." my Brain exclaimed. No no no no no no no. I got some dirt and smeared the patio where the cut was made. I kicked the 2x4's off the patio and put back the saw and quickly returned to my perch to finish the work.
Now, this membrane is the kind you have to use a torch on in order for it to seal properly. So i start making my seals. Remember how i used gasoline to clean the marks? Because i didn't. Thats right. Thats fucking right. The gasoline was still in the corners and ignited all at once, smoke i quickly put out the torch and proceeded to stomp the fire out. Loudly stop the fire out. I exclaimed "Oh shit!" out load as i recall. When the fire was out, the damage was done. A large majority of my material was melted and the silicon sealing around the metal frames got pulled off because i kicked one of the frames. All my work was ruined. I would have to redo the whole fucking thing. I look out from my perch and see that all the landscapers are looking up at me. Watching. Confusion and fear spread on their faces. The sun beating down. My throat dry and raspy. The goopy oil smell mixed with burning rubber filled my nostrils. And yet the grin remained.
In this moment of pure surrealness my boss pulls up. I jump down and take down the ladder before he could even get out of his truck. He asks how it all went. "awesome i said, just a few more things to touch up tomorrow". And as we left, as we left i saw standing out the front door the owner. Stone cold eyes staring at me. The landscaping crew staring at me. and we just drove away.
Im scared to go to work tomorrow.
TL;DR: I worked all day and burnt down my efforts. Showed a lady and possibly her children my penis. Got black tar all over a job site. Possibly pissed on my own knees in front of the owners daughters. Ravaged a garden in a fit of sugar emergency, and deprived myself of all dignity and intelligence in one day.
Update:6/27/2014
I am incredibly tired, i stayed up after work last night to write the submission when i should have went to bed. Just like now i should be sleeping. But i wanted to kinda explain the situation, and YES i did fix some things. Today my boss dropped me off at the site, i called him before hand to get some extra STO membrane and explained that i melted a bit of it by mistake.( I did not inform him of the gasoline party. I have to pay the bills. I don't care if you think its immoral) The owner was gone for the whole day, so it was just me and the landscaping crew so i dodged that bullet for now. When i got to my perch the situation wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it was the other day, i melted a bit of it so that it was no longer water proof but i only had to replace a 5x10 ft section of the membrane. I don't know how much that was in lost material but i'll have my boss duct my pay. I reseamed it and had to fix the metal sheeting. Now some of you are rather critical of my silicone skills, and i'll have you know i am a microbiologist (almost done with masters) and i really don't care about my silicone skills, that being considered i'll inform you of the task in greater detail. The walls of the balcony are made of brick that is uneven both in width and in layering along the length of the balcony (not sure if its supposed to be that way for ascetics or not) So i couldn't simply just put a small bead of silicon and smooth it out, i had to literally mold in the silicon in large amounts because of all the warping in the wall in order to create a waterproof seal. I did use tape to make sure my edges were nice looking and i am good at calking so i made sure it looked really smooth. Hence all the goop on my hands. I found it was easier to use a little more than needed and wipe it with my thumb in a smooth line to make it look shiny and even. The result is a lot of exess on my hands. When i started yesterday i did not anticipate such an issue and didn't grab any shop towels or acetone. Today i had both towels and acetone (i tested it on a small patch to make sure it wouldn't distort the membrane) and the job was still messy but much easier to clean. The perch is entirely waterproof and looks pretty good i think. There was not a massive fire on the balcony as some of you are lead to believe, just a big enough flame to melt the membrane to make it ineffective in its creation and purpose.
Summary of above: I fixed the perch.
Honestly thats all had time to do at the job since i had to go roof a house that had been wrapped and waiting for like 2 weeks (not my fault). But last night was a pretty big rain storm so we needed to shingle it, the perch at the Mexican mansion was just fine because the damage was under a flat roof covering. (thankfully). Because of the rain when i went to look for my gash mark in the stone i couldn't find it at first because of all the landscapers mud tracks. but its still there, haunting me. I was hoping it would look a little more worn to blend in. The stone floor isn't 100% free of blemishes and its not perfectly smooth or level. I think the goal was to make a really nice house that looks traditional. I did not tell my boss about the stone (Moral gage does not care), but we have to go back to this job next week sometime. Does anyone here know how to fix a small gash in stone? Should i sand it out and try to make it look more smooth and natural? Its pretty white looking still and the color doesn't match. Any suggestions?
Summary: Did not fix stone gash, need advice.
I don't know how to fix showing my dick to the neighbors, and i don't know if the owners family saw me pee. A friend suggested to me that i tell my boss everything and he can make up an excuse that i am mentally disabled. (which isn't that far from the truth).
afellowinfidel: jesus. You sound like the worst, most unprepared handyman ever... like Mr. Bean levels of incompetence and lack of foresight.
nice story though.
pidgeyqt: If this story is real, OP is kind of a piece of shit. You can't just fuck up someone's property, cover it up with some sand, and pretend it never happened. Not to mention stealing shit from the owner's garage and garden.
RandomCupofJoe: He's a white guy working for a Mexican laborer..I'd say "underachiever" is a little too generous.
Daveezie: It's pretty hard to work faster than Mexicans.
308NegraArroyoLn: This is a common misconception I assure you...
Edit*I guess my company specifically requests the ones who will hide in trash bins to avoid working...
nachobiach: Maybe it's because the ethics of your shitty company, hiring undocumented workers so as not to have to pay fair wages or give a fuck about their safety, have rubbed off on them.
308NegraArroyoLn: You mad bro?
All of our workers are documented, paid above minimum wage, and provided with free ppe...
But you would much rather make ignorant assumptions because your an internet bad-boy and you dont have to worry about repercussions
nachobiach: Do they make the same as their non-Mexican counterparts? Do they even *have* any non-Mexican counterparts?
And what does it say about *you* that the same people who hired dudes who play hide-n-sleep in trash bins also hired you?
308NegraArroyoLn: Yes to both you ignorant fuck.
We hire ex-cons and addicts from all races. Laborers are laborers for a reason. They are almost all good people but unskilled and require a great deal of attention to get a job done correctly.
Everyone starts at the same wage regardless of race.
And the same people most definitely did not hire me. I was hired by our companies executives. I have a regional manager (who I oversee) for making laborer hires.
Promotion is based on qualifications and experience. I have many Hispanic crew chiefs, foreman, you name it.
nachobiach: Oh, I'm sorry, so you're an Executive Asshole.
308NegraArroyoLn: Haha I wish. I'm just a middle management asshole.
nachobiach: You and me both.
308NegraArroyoLn: *Raises mug of stale coffee*
| 14 | 174 | |
1403846189 | 1403847397 | t3_297vbs | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting the whole school know I'm in love with a teacher.
I'm 17 and finishing high school in a few months. We have a hot new teacher who just got out of uni. I would guess that hes 22-24 so not too out of my age range. Anyway, hes stunning and I talk to my friends about him and everything. They all know. So anyway today I was talking to my history teacher and she mentioned something about it. The whole school knows, teachers included. >.<
hellobrooklyn25: There's a few months left, hang in there
[deleted]: Thank god hes not one of my teachers haha
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403843372 | 1403851840 | t3_297rxn | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by browsing late at night
This happened about 20 minutes ago, I was sitting at my desktop at about 11:55. I had been browsing a few threads like "most disturbing/creepy stories you have" and after an hour of this i went to get some cereal as all late night browsers do, I quickly realized my mistake as the whole house was pitch black and I immediately started seeing scary shit like figures of people or other hallucinations. Let out a small scream and lost my footing while walking up the stairs and fell while smashing my face into a wooden staircase and spilling cereal everywhere. the only plus is that my staircase looks like a jizz waterfall.
TL; DR browsed fucked up shit, had a bitch fit while getting food, smashed my face up but made a jizz waterfall.
EDIT: I had reeses pieces so there were brown chunks flowing down my jizz waterfall.
Lamatam: Sorry, but how is your "staircase looking like a jizz waterfall" a plus?
Jaybo21: How is it not? Jizz. Jizz everywhere
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1403846999 | 1403889293 | t3_297w8p | t5_2to41 | 17 | ThroweyMcthrowthrow: TIFU by falling in love with my bestfriends girlfriend
Well this all started last month when my friend introduced me to this girl. Now when I was introduced to her I knew my friend liked her but they were not dating. So we exchange numbers and that night I spent 2 hours just sitting on the phone with her, just getting to know her. Well the next day she tells my friend that I was cool and that she had talked to me through the night and he got really jealous and just started ignoring her. I phone her again that night and I can hear she sounds quite sad so I ask whats wrong like you would and she tells me that my friend is jealous and he gets jealous all the time and it makes her feel sad because it's every time she talks to any other man he gets this way. I tell her he gets in moods all the time and its nothing to worry about and we then talk for another 2 hours that night. A week later we are all hanging out and my friend notices me and her are talking alot and he acts fine but when we all go home, he texts her saying he felt this way and why doesnt she talk to him much and gets moody again. So yet again I call and she tells me what happend and we talk about him for for a while. We then spend the whole night talking (and i mean to the morning). So at this point I thought she was amazing we had so much in common and she was really funny, and I couldn't stop thinking about her. Well the next week when I phone her she tells me that my friend and her were officially a couple I guess you could say, and my mind just started flying, I was so sad but i didn't want her to know so I was just like thats great. I only talked to her for an hour that night. Well thats my story up to now, I have never felt this way about any girl before and I just dont know what to do. I think my friend has his suspicions because she told him that we had been talking for like very night, so he would be daft not to be suspicious. I want to tell her how i feel but i dont want to lose my bestfriend over this.
Thats it i don't know what to do, any advice would be great.
Thanks for reading, if you did.
PandabearXp: Your a moron for even putting yourself in that situation. If you knew your friend liked the girl why would you step in and talk to her everyday. If you ask me it sounds like you're a shitty friend who tried to steal your bros girl. And you saying your buddy was all "emotional" if anything it sounds like you're the emotional one now.
Anyways seeing that this post is rather negative. Just take everyone's advice and move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea keep lookin til you find your mermaid.
OhNoSpookyGhosts: >tried to steal your bros girl
Right, because she is an object who doesn't have her own wishes and desires, just waiting for a man to mark her as his territory. Cripes that kind of languages ruffles my feathers...
PandabearXp: Sure I agree with what you're saying but keep in mind. This guy is saying that this is his best friend. What kind of guy exchanges numbers with the girl that his bestfriend is obviously courting(for lack of a better word) and stays up all night talking to her while shit talking his friend to her practically saying he's an emotional wreck. Sure that the girl has the right to make her own choices and choose who she wants to be with. All I'm trying to say is why did this friend even make himself an option.
OhNoSpookyGhosts: It is a bit silly. I guess, if you want to go down that route, that it boils down to what his intentions were when first exchanging numbers.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1403821360 | 1403853489 | t3_296v0e | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By Not Going to the Doctors
Hi Reddit. This is an ongoing fuck up but today I got my date for surgery.
So Basically I've had a middle ear infection for about 5 years, crazy shit huh? My ear drains fluid which smells fucking horrendous so I have to go to the bathroom a lot to clean it up with tissue.
I went to the doctors when it first started happening but the dosage they gave me didn't do anything and I just left it. Went to an ear specialist a couple of years ago and he didn't see anything.
I'm going to uni in september and really wanted to get this embarrassing disease fixed before I go, so I went back to the doctors who referred me to an ENT clinic.
The consultant surgeon said it was one of the worst cases of 'Ear Mastoid' he's ever seen and proceeded to get around 4 other doctors to come and look at me, it was the most embarrassing moment of my life.
I'm 18 so I went on my own to the doctors, I must of been visibly scared when the surgeon said I'd need surgery to remove infected bone from my ear when the nurse said 'Don't worry dear, it'll be okay'.
Just got a letter from the NHS this morning saying that I've got to go for a CT Scan and I decided to google the condition and it says that severe infections can lead to Loss of hearing, meningitis and even brain abscess. Now I'm shit scared, I'll be in hospital for a few days and i'll have to take two weeks off of work whilst I recover.
So Reddit, if there's something wrong with your body, don't wait 5 fucking years like I did.
TLDR; Ear infection for 5 years, didn't get it properly treated and now I need surgery.
awokenx: sorry but are you retarded? Why the frick would you wait 5 years to get help? If something is infected and the pus makes its way into the blood you can possibly even die from blood poisoning. anyways: get better soon m8
Sinical-: Yeah that and I work 65 hours a week currently so haven't had the time to go.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403847911 | 1403910755 | t3_297x6z | t5_2to41 | 401 | idkwhat2: TIFU by accidentally shaking someone's balls
I play a lot of coed volleyball, and I was playing a pickup game with a bunch of people, most of whom I didn't know. There was one guy, though, who I know and sort of have a lady boner for (just fyi, guys who are good at volleyball are hot regardless of what they look like). Anyway, I was setting for this guy, and we hooked up on this really amazing play where I set it like perfectly and he hit it straight down right through the seam in the block and it was like an orgasm worthy play. So I stuck my hand out behind my back to give him a low five, and kind of walked backwards towards him holding my hand out (I was watching the person who was serving the ball, which is why I didn't turn around to give him five). I made contact after a couple seconds, and when my fingers touched down they reacted involuntarily and curled inward, like they do every time I give someone five.
But when I curled my fingers, I realized I was not making contact with his hand, but was actually gently cupping his balls. And since he was wearing basketball shorts, there was very little between my hand and his sack. And instead of moving my hand like a normal person, I kind of gave his nuts a little shake, still sort of thinking I was giving him five. I was in shock, I guess. I finally snatched my hand away and turned around, eyes wide, mouth open, cheeks on fire. I wanted to die. But he just looked at me, winked, and whispered, "it's ok, I liked it," then walked back over to his position.
tl;dr i unintentionally caressed guy's junk but hopefully i will get a phone number out of it
WaylandC: So did you get the number or did you get more? Or both?
idkwhat2: i probs should have asked for more, right? everyone likes a good quickie with a sweaty volleyball player once in a while
WaylandC: You have to ask for more? You're a girl...what world is this? :D
idkwhat2: lol is that how it works? idk i just never thought i could go up to a random guy and be like hey let's fuck and he'd be like sure!
WaylandC: Hahaha. It'd probably be nice to have a small chat with plenty of sexy eye contact before saying something along the lines of, "Do you wanna go somewhere else?"
Plus, in terms of icebreakers with the volleyball guy, I'd say you turned the ice into steam.
idkwhat2: ahh, right...sexy eye contact http://cf.chucklesnetwork.com/items/9/2/0/8/4/original/make-awkward-eye-contact-hold-it.jpg
WaylandC: Aw c'mon! You know how to make sexy eye contact.
idkwhat2: lol i guess. i'm latina so i think it's genetic
WaylandC: (in the voice of Homer Simpson) Mmm...latinaaa. Now, I want to show a gonemild style picture of myself to you lol *eyebrow wagging*
idkwhat2: haha it wouldn't be the first time
WaylandC: Don't worry, I'm not going to start posting pics for an uninterested second party. Oh, so did you get or give a number with volleyball guy?
idkwhat2: no, and i'm feeling a little lame right now. i don't really ever ask guys for their numbers, though, and it's a little nerve-wracking even thinking about it.
WaylandC: Don't feel bad. Next time just know that you can give them your number, that way no one has to ask for anything.
If they want to call, they can and if they don't, then no big deal.
idkwhat2: that would be horribly traumatizing for me.
WaylandC: You could give the number, saying, "If you need a partner again sometime..."
Still too much?
idkwhat2: idk...just not used to propositioning the opposite sex at all, I guess
WaylandC: Doesn't have to be a proposition love. In the above example you could actually mean it literally and if they happen to call for another reason, win-win :)
I guess treat it as making a new friend first...a new *hot* friend. Good stuff :D
| 18 | 22.277778 | |
1403850254 | 1404256614 | t3_297zks | t5_2to41 | 139 | pocketgrandpa: TIFU By Giving My Friend 5 Tabs of LSD,
I decided to go on a bike ride with a friend of mine, a special bike ride of which we had enjoyed several in the past. Previously we had taken 2 and I believe 3 tabs of LSD each and ridden about 12 miles from my home town in Virginia along this amazing trail that runs along the old railroad tracks.
We had picked our playlists, purchased our water bottles, and crafted our makeshift bong out of a plastic N.O.S. energy drink bottle and a highlighter. We began our slow and steady ride along the trail as I ingested 5 and he ingested 4 tabs of LSD. Over the course of the next hour, the obvious effects began to surface. As we stopped to have a drink of water my friend said fuck it and took his fifth.
All was going normally as we traveled our usual route laughing about bill cosby's voice or the word cactus until we reached a place at which we would usually smoke a little weed and my associate would draw in the book of discoveries. The bingus was packed and utilized, and my associate began to draw. His drawing became more and more erratic and I saw him become agitated. "Can we go now? I want to go to the hookah bar," our next destination.
Amused by his obvious intoxication which was far from the norm of a successful acid bike ride, we began to ride along the trail and take the gravel exit to reach the street the hookah bar was on. I was excited to go there, as the decor along with the hookah made for an incredibly calming experience. I remembered on a previous trip watching the painting of the sphinx go from summer to fall, through winter and spring back to summer. Just as we were passing the police station, my associate slipped and the chain popped off his bike making a noise that in retrospect did sound quite similar to radio static. As I was struggling to comprehend the knotting of an already confusing looking bicycle chain, a police officer yelled a command of some sort to the gardeners delivering and spreading mulch.
**"OH SHIT, THE COPS ARE RIGHT THERE"**
And off goes my associate, running into the woods leaving me in front of the police station with two bicycles and a backpack full of nugget and bingus. I call my associate who picks up with "HELLO? WHERE ARE YOU?" To which I reply "In front of the police station where you left me broobus." This was not the correct answer, and he threw his phone into the woods.
The following will be in my associates perspective.
He has run away from myself, and begun breaking through a wooden fence behind a hotel. He then runs through a parking lot where the cars were "getting nicer and nicer the farther I went." He then reaches the hookah bar and proceeds to run into the back room asking if they had seen me, asking for me by name. He then ran to the parking lot, began kicking a mans van until the man inquired about his intentions with said van. He then shoved man and quite a hubub ensues.
This is when I encounter my associate again. I park my bike, and go to the hookah bar. Oh look, what fortuitous occurrence is this! My associate in one piece where our original destination was! He then proceeds to rush towards me, rip my earphone out of my ear, and in his words "hit the person who looked the richest." This honor fell upon the owner of the hookah bar, who received a few good hits before my associate was pulled away by an angry Arab mob.
As I had been a patron of this establishment in the past I went to asses the situation in a one to one conversation with the hookah king. "You! I Know you! Are with him?", "No, he called me and said he needed a friend, is he alright?", "Are you on what he's on? He's gone mad! He's assaulted me and others!", "No." I declare as his eyes ripple and morph.
"You should probably get out of here."
"Why?"
"We called the sheriff"
No sooner had he said that then I turned around and saw three or four sherrif's cars pull up in the parking lot. The mob released my associate who promptly stormed into the middle of the lot in an angry, psychedelic haze. "Is there a problem sir?" The officer asked. My associate's only response was a raised fist as he ran towards the officer.
**BANG**
A flash of smoke, and my associate lay on the ground.
*TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK*
A tazer, much to my relief as I was convinced I had witnessed the death of my associate. In my current state that surely would have been my prevalent memory for quite some time. My associate however was having none of that shit. He stood up, and pulled the barbs from himself before running away
**BANG**
A second tazer. A second ripping of barbs, a second run for the hills
**BANG**
A final tazer, and a final pulling of the barbs before my associate is at the bottom of the pile of police officers. At this point I am gookin quite hard at this situation. My clearest thought rang through loud and clear,
**"GET OUT OF THERE LIL HOMIE"**
And out of there I got, sneaking slowly backwards in the chaos to my bicycle which became my chariot to salvation. I rode in squares and circles trying to obfuscate my route as much as possible to avoid detection. In retrospect as far away as possible would most likely have been the most straightforward plan. Today was not a straightforward day.
A bandana clad, bespectacled dreadlock homie stood before his furniture shop. My initial perception of said homie led me to believe he would help me. I tried to explain I had two bikes and one rider, but the whole story was very shambly and told in quite a gooked up manner so I ended up just telling him exactly what happened. "Oh, Gnarly." he quipped, offering me a cigarette. He then escorted me to the "jamaica cafe" lit with red yellow and green neon lights, and purchased me a jamaican grape and orange cola, adorned with rasta cats. I then watched reggae music videos until my friends arrived
"Our associate got tasered"
"No he didn't"
"Yes he did"
"No he didn't"
"I mean, yeah he did I saw it"
"Oh, shit. We'll be there soon."
My associate awoke handcuffed to a bed in the hospital, and his utmost concern was not his situation, but that his favorite Chiodos shirt had been cut for the heart monitor.
"What did you take?"
"LSD!"
"Who gave it to you!"
My unmistakable, unique name.
I have since learned that he thought he was on a game show put on by his overly religious mother who disapproved of his vices. To him, his mother was in the helicopter the entire time, while I was acting as the host of the show. My earbud he ripped out, was a walkie talkie the producers were using to communicate with me. The hookah king as the richest one was obviously the producer of the show and had to get taken out. The police were just security trying to keep him on the show instead of escaping because of how much the hookah king had spent.
His mother was kind enough to wait until the last day of summer to call mine, and my mother sent me to rehab for my "lsd addiction". I was now an unstable monster who could not be trusted because I looked at trees for like 8 hours a few times. I had to pee in a cup, it was shitty. My associate was expelled from our high school, and had to finish his senior year at an alternative facility.
The moral of this story is that while these experiences can be amazing, you have to keep in mind your set and your setting. Though we had enjoyed ourselves several times before, his mother had been putting additional pressure on him recently about his religious, family, and school obligations which led to very negative thought patterns.
You have to be ready to eat 5 tabs and take blongroops in public. Start with 1, then work upwards if you desire. Both my associate and I are now fine, and we have gone on several adventures since. It was a very memorable day for me, in both good ways and bad. One thing is for certain though,
Today, I fucked up.
neutral_cadence: TL;DR
Don't do 5 tabs of acid if you're a teenager and have no idea how to safely use psychedelic drugs.
You did indeed fuck up. =[
JirachiMG: Even if you know everything about a substance you can still have a bad trip. I do agree with you somewhat, though.
neutral_cadence: I've done my fair share of mind altering drugs and any dose can be too much for someone to handle. It was completely reckless to have both people tripping that hard with no supervision in a populated area. What happens when his friend gets hit by a car, or causing someone to wreck a car and injure themselves or others.
His friend clearly lost control and is EXTREMELY fortunate that the police only tazered and detained him. What would have happened if that hookah bar owner was having a bad day and owned a firearm?
Or when his friend threw his phone away in the woods and possible injured himself and was stranded, alone for several hours before being able to think properly with a sober mind?
I'm not saying don't explore or have any fun, but seriously, take the time to be considerate of what could otherwise be extremely grave consequences. I only say this because we don't need more bad drug users giving these incredible and sacred drugs a worse image. =(
Trip safe! Peace, love, and hippy drugs. =D
pocketgrandpa: what if I get hit by a bus crossing the street? what if there's salmonella in the food I eat? What if the water company accidentally adds 100ml/l of flouride into my water supply and I drink a glass? What if? What if?
Obviously my associate had a bad day, his age had nothing to do with it. The exact same scenario had played out successfully several times, there was no way to predict this outcome. Going on a bike ride was not reckless, an unforeseeable occurrence happened which was quite unfortunate.
neutral_cadence: Well, if you get hit by a bus...it's different than "I got hit by a bus because I did 5 tabs of LSD" because one is irresponsible and completely preventable.
Bad day seems like an understatement to me. If you approach a hallucinogenic with the attitude "I've done it before, I've got a hold of the situation." you are being extremely disrespectful to both the drug and yourself. =[
pocketgrandpa: One can have a bad trip in their own home and stab themselves, get arrested at a music festival, eat a substance that was not what it was sold as,
There was nothing about this situation that differed from your average trip except for his reaction. There is no "right way" to trip. I told this story because it was especially bad, and I believe I said so in the title. This leads me to believe that you're only criticizing me in an attempt to prove something to yourself
neutral_cadence: You can indeed have a bad trip on any dosage and in any environment, which is why it is so completely irresponsible for both of you to be impaired and taking large doses of a mind altering substance unsupervised in a public place. Neither of you would be in a condition to be fully aware of your surroundings and the situation and you would be unable to make sober decisions in responding to the environment.
When you take substances that can cause visual/audio/emotional hallucinations you aren't in control of yourself. You may try to justify what you did with "We've done it before with no ill effect." but the bottom line is what you did was reckless and irresponsible. It's a fuck up, which, we all fuck up in life...but please PLEASE be more safe in the future and have a sober friend or be in a more safe environment for your psychedelic adventures.
You can do whatever you want with your life, which includes large does of hallucinogens, but I think it's a pretty poor choice if what you choose to do ends up getting you assaulted by a group of police officers, or having to run away from them and hide somewhere because you have lost control of yourself.
There are no right ways to trip, but if you understand what kind of effects a drug can have on a person, you can do your best to plan ahead for the safety and enjoyment of yourself and those around you. The two of you put other people at risk with your actions, that's on you...not anyone else.
pocketgrandpa: I would like to reiterate that I went on a bike ride, drank some gatorade, and listened to Dj Dean when I was in high school. Once my friend was tasered and I knew I was in possession of drugs I left. Not because i "lost control of myself." I in fact made it home just fine, and watched dragonball z.
I was having a GRAND ol time, and his actions were entirely alien to me and in no way did I encourage them. This is not a lesson I need. Any lesson that was to be learned from this situation I definitely took away from this without you telling me to "be safe"
I have met several of the "holier than thou" trippers, and I must say you are my least favorite kind. If your idea of a great trip is sitting inside all day while your friends babysit you then by all means, don your phish t-shirt and have at it. I will not be tripping with my associate ever again, but having read a bunch of erowid articles does not mean that you are the guru here to impart knowledge on me.
neutral_cadence: The arrogance of a selfish and ignorant drug user is my least favorite kind of user, because you are someone who is reckless and irresponsible and has the potential to cause serious hazard to bystanders.
So yeah, you'll do what you're going to do because you see nothing wrong with your actions. You are failing to realize that ANY time you are under the influence of a mind altering substance you are not in control of yourself. You might not be a problem like your 'associate' but you aren't in a sober mind. Also I'm not a guru, I am just trying to advocate the safest possible use of powerful drugs that deserve respect.
That doesn't mean you can only sit in a room with a babysitter, that means being in an environment that is safe for you and have someone with you that is aware of what drugs you took, what dosages you took, and what kind of effects they could have on you. Not going out in the public taking multiple tabs of acid and having your friends freak out and start fights with people when you have absolutely no ability to handle the situation because you're tripping balls and need to run away from police because you're ripped to the tits and have a bunch of drugs on you.
You can think of yourself however you like, but your actions were childish, careless, and disrespectful to the drugs you were taking. I really hope you are more safe in the future for your sake as well as anyone who has to be exposed to those kinds of antics. =[
pocketgrandpa: http://i.imgur.com/8poholS.jpg
I'm sure you would have had a friendly conversation with the cops as well
| 11 | 12.636364 | |
1403843317 | 1403923906 | t3_297ruy | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by tailgating while carrying concealed
So I work at a rather small company in a pretty big building. Today was the last day before I go on vacation to Greece, and I hopped by at work to deliver some stuff.
However, because I was in such a rush, I completely forgot to take my assigned card (we need to scan those in order to access certain floors)
No big deal I thought, and I waited for someone to get in the elevator. I get in as well, no questions asked, and we start going up. For some reason I didn't think about where we'd end up, and that's when things started to get ugly.
You see, sometimes I feel like carrying- (I carry a concealed glock .22) and today seemed like a nice day because I wouldn't be at work for long.
So I get out of the elevator and in a completely automated process I start walked down the hallway like I always do. That's when two huge security guys approached me, hands on their guns. I froze and instantly realized I fucked up. But it got worse. As adrenaline shot through my body, I reacted 'fight or flight'- and in blind panic I turned around and started running.
Bam, they tackled me. Hands on my back, and one of these giants started screaming "gun". Four hours later and I wall out of the police department. Going to have a talk with HR tomorrow.
I fucked up.
[deleted]: If you own a gun,and when approached by your company's own security,your response is to panic and run...maybe you arent the best candidate for owning a firearm.
nathanjayy: Yeah I'm calling bs on this. Glock doesn't make firearms is .22
STR1K3RJUST1N: Ever heard of a conversation kit?
AbstracTyler: >Ever heard of a conversation kit?
What's that, like something you can open up and learn how to talk to people?
STR1K3RJUST1N: That's exactly what a conversation kit is haha, I did mean conversion kit though. My bad.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1403851847 | 1404094122 | t3_298170 | t5_2to41 | 36 | johnerichards26: TIFU by accidentally showing racist photos to a Target worker.
So, I got a new phone today. I went to Target to have them switch the contacts over to the new one, along with the pictures and etc. I had just gone through a subreddit (r/I'mgoingtohellforthis) and made a nice collection of racist/offensive pictures in a small folder on the old phone, that I was going to send to a group text that includes my closest friends (we try to send the most offensive stuff we can for it). The worker who offered to do it for free was a young, Indian woman. She was in the process of changing them over to the new one, and on the old phone she opens up the bad folder asking, "These too?" The first thing that pops up across the screen is a man waving a confederate, with a plane behind him carrying a sign that says, "WHITE IS SUPERIOR!" She scrolls through, seeing plenty of 9/11 and holocaust jokes. She then hands me both of my phones, and tells me to get the fuck out. I'm currently copying each contact one by one. I'm on 114 out of 641.
nhjuuyyy: Boy, a lot of good suggestions on how this could have been avoided in this thread. How about this one: Have you tried not being the kind of person who collects racist pictures?
alexmikli: I'm not going to judge him for having a collection of offensive jokes, some people find them funny. Not a huge deal as long as the potentially offended people understand its a joke.
Personally I collect and save the ones made by insane racists, not because the jokes are funny, but because I think it's funny there are still horrible racist people making these things.
johnerichards26: That's sorta along the lines of what I have. Some of them I find funny, but I'm not some KKK white power racist. It's just for joke purposes, I don't get why everyone is so butthurt about it.
dripdroponmytiptop: why are they funny, though? Seriously, where's the mirth you get in it? The only explanation I can see here is that you think they've got a grain of truth you find hilarious to see parodied, or somehow are ignorant enough of what's going on that the humour of it outweighs how much it marginalizes other people. It's got to be one of those things, I can't really imagine why else making fun of black people or women would be funny to you. And I have no idea what amazing mental/ethical gymnastics you had to wrestle with so that you rationatlized keeping it on your phone was an okay thing to do.
Let's put it this way, would you show someone else these jokes? Why not? *Why* would they be pissed off at you, do you think?
bsilver: >Let's put it this way, would you show someone else these jokes? Why not? Why would they be pissed off at you, do you think?
If your definition of funny jokes is whether someone is offended by them then you might as well never say anything. What you're talking about is more about appropriate audiences for a joke or type of humor. I don't let whether someone will be pissed off determine my politics, my religious beliefs or what I find funny...I also don't discuss them with people I *know* won't like to hear them.
dripdroponmytiptop: That first sentence feels like a big moral cop-out to allow you to justify what makes you laugh but feel guilty, like some kind of cognitive dissonance thing. Don't explain this shit to *me*, dude, figure out if you don't care what others think not because you're cool and aloof, but because you're an asshole.
bsilver: Actually the first sentence is a paraphrase from some stage-performing comedians. Everyone is offended by *something.* Sounds more like you're missing the point of what I said.
I'd love to hear what humor you have that someone won't be indignant or offended by.
dripdroponmytiptop: Why is that any excuse to be a dick?
If you love asshole humor, whatever, but if you show it to people that take offense, you're not in the right to tell them not to be offended or by apparently enjoying jokes at their expense. Take responsibility for being a dick if you decide it's okay to be one
| 9 | 4 | |
1403856604 | 1403899379 | t3_2985g4 | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by exposing my big secret to a close friend
I'm one of those ageplayers and I was pretty bored and messing around on Omegle as I tend to do. I was using the ageplayers tag on the site so I'd only encounter fellow ageplayers, while I browse Omegle I tend to paste my little intro there to save myself time, the intro said:
"hey! I'm Mikey. I like to act and be treated as a 3 year old :) just here looking for anyone nice to spend time with, especially would love to talk to a mommy type, how are you?"
weird, I know. anyway I kept pasting the intro in various tabs and I had a friends IM open still, he went to bed but left his computer on as he tends to do. I wasn't paying attention and I pasted the intro to him when I was alt tabbing around and now I await his response in the morning. I really fucked up, he'll probably tell everyone we know and everyone is probably going to judge me OR be cool about it..
either way, today I fucked up. sigh.
Wheatsteve: It's simple, we kill your friend...
RagingHardRooster: if he has already told other people, we kill them too. so on and so forth until know one knows of this incredibly fucked up fetish of yours.
onsenrparle: know one knows
Please! I'm not a native english speaker but that made me cry a little.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1403854563 | 1403905266 | t3_2983qy | t5_2to41 | 39 | GotToLoseIt: TIFU by not getting the last Tube home
So let me set the scene. It's London, I'm in a bar watching the US lose to Germany but advance. I meet a friend and he happens to have three young, attractive American friends with him (they will be A,B, and C).
Instantly we all click. We're all laughing a lot, they like me, I like them it's great. We go from bar to bar, and slowly the group splits into one girl (GirlC) and the guy I know and myself with the other two girls (A and B).
We talk about all sorts! Sports, gun laws, life, really awesome conversation. They're a bit unsure about getting to their hotel and by this point Girl C is really wasted. So is my friend.
Not wanting to ditch people in the city who clearly had no idea where they were going, I said "Ok I'll ride the Tube to your hotel, drop you off, then head home."
So we're in the hotel lobby, and I'm like "Ok it was great meeting you guys."
Cue lots of "Oh no, come on stay out!" I explain that it would cost a lot to get home from here. "Well you can stay with us!" say girl A and B. C is fine with it to as my friend is already in their room.
So I go out to a bar with A & B. A is set to get married next year, and she's telling me that B likes me and has been flirting with me all night. So we get closer, we dance, we kiss, it's all still completely fine. She gets a little weird and starts saying its not fair, she has a boyfriend, but she's in to me. They both get wasted to the point of not being able to walk a straight line.
I get them back to their hotel, not before stopping to buy them water and food -- because they asked -- and because they both needed water.
So we're outside the hotel and girl A is like: "Hey go get us Chicken nuggets from the McDonalds."
I explain it's shut. She gives it 20 seconds, asks again. I know she's drunk, but now she's stupid? Then she turns to B and says. "Do you want this? Do you want this?"
She replies: "Yes," and I instantly know what's going on. They don't want me to stay. Only I have no option. We get into the room and girl A rings her fiance and starts arguing with him. It's now 3 am and I have work at 6.
By this point Girl C and my friend are sober. They ask what happened, and seeing I'm sober believe me. It's at this point girl B passes out on the bed.
It's at this point girl A emerges from the bathroom and is like 'what the fuck is this?' pointing at me and my friend. She proceeds to kick us out. I'm like fuck this I need 3 hours sleep then I can just leave.
Girl C and A start fighting while B is still passed out. Girl C then gets kicked out by A because her parents paid for the room. I'm like aww shit. I've already told the person I'm staying with that I'm out for the night and I'll see her tomorrow.
He offers me to stay at his but that's even further from work and it'll take me forever to get there.
So I finally get a taxi which of course is stupidly expensive and I make it back to the place I'm staying. I apologise profusely and she says she doesn't care this is not on. I now have to have 'a talk' with her.
Now I sit in work, my eyes bloodshot, coffee in hand, wishing I'd just got that last tube.
EDIT: I also just found out girl B has a long term boyfriend. Now I feel kind of bad.
thisisntben: You FU'd by letting them get too drunk, rookie mistake.
GotToLoseIt: Really? I didn't feel comfortable pulling drinks from girls I just met. I think the rookie mistake was splitting the party up.
thisisntben: I don't mean taking drinks away to be honest, but maybe hinting at calling it a night or that they'd had enough... I don't know how you'd save the situation really, it's hard to say without having met the girls.
GotToLoseIt: Yeah, hindsight is 20-20 n all. Still only two hours of work left then I get to go home and be shouted at by the roommate.
Silverlight42: Why'd the roomate get all pissy? I imagine you woke her up? Can't get into your place without waking them or something?
I dunno, but one occurence doesn't really warrant a talk. If it's happened before, then okay.
GotToLoseIt: Basically she's petrified of being in the big city and being broken in to. I text her to say I was staying out. I'm only crashing there for a few weeks (paying rent though might I add).
She puts on two locks and a chain. I got through the locks with my keys but the chain stopped me. Meant she had to get up walk 12 feet and unlock it. Bear in mind this is the first time it's happened, and the first time I've been out while I've been there.
I explained this entire story to her, and her exact words were: "I don't care."
inevitabled34th: I didn't think England would be that dangerous after they banned guns.
GotToLoseIt: Honestly it's not. She lives in a 2nd floor flat that has a passcode system to it. Logistically if I'm a burglar I'm not picking this house.
Yeah! My friend is awesome. So was the girl he was with, she like apologised profusely for the pair of them.
| 9 | 4.333333 | |
1403861192 | 1403862940 | t3_29892c | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU By telling a racist/anti semitic Holocaust joke at a dinner party at the in laws house.
Vilantius: "Well, at least he died white."
ScaldyOnionBag: true.....
| 3 | 0 | |
1403865356 | 1403881558 | t3_298c2w | t5_2to41 | 95 | imgonnathrowthisaw: TIFU by loving Iced-Tea too much NSFW
A throwaway, because well... It's rather embarrassing, and my friends know my actual account name.
So, I drink a lot of Iced-Tea. I had a few bottles left on my desk, as I usually drink them while watching a show or film.
On this particular evening I was feeling... Okay I'll just put it bluntly.
I was horny as fuck. And essentially what happened was, since I had no tissues or the like around, I ended up, finishing the deal, into one of the empty Iced-Tea bottles. i figured I would dispose of it later. What's the worst that could happen?
Surely you are beginning to see where this is going.
Later on that evening, I had purchased another bottle of fantastic Peach flavoured Iced-Tea. And I found myself mesmerized by some episodes of Game of Thrones.
I took, a gulp out of the Iced-Tea bottle.
The wrong bottle.
The wrong fucking bottle.
I took a big ol' gulp of Iced-Tea/Semen slushie.
Well that's just *peachy*.
Its been a couple of hours. I'm still trying to get the taste out. I have decided to never drink Iced-Tea again, for simply looking at it makes me want to gag.
Oh dear lord.
*I hope you guys picked up on the subtle pun in the title. I worked hard on that*
Edit 1: Grammar, clarification.
BasedJoey_: Semen doesn't taste *that* bad.
Dyesce_: No, but ithe taste does linger.
I can't quite imagine it mixed with peach ice tea.
Yuck. Hate that stuff.
Actually both tastes.
y0us1rn4me: Brush your teeth, problem solved. Taste gone.
| 4 | 23.75 | |
1403868947 | 1403927001 | t3_298f0k | t5_2to41 | -3 | [deleted]: TIFU - Caught smoking weed by Police officer.
It was early in the morning, about 2 hours ago, and nobody was really out for work, so i go to my backyard to smoke, (Fuck up #1) and i decided to go towards the alleyway behind my home (Fuck up #2) and after about halfway through the half, a man come up behind me and says, "So, what do you have there?" It was a Police Officer. Naturally, my response, "Weed. I'd rather be honest, then lie." So, plot twist, it was my father. He is an Officer of 11 years. He just told me to be smarter about it in the future; and that while he doesn't support me smoking weed, that its better then getting blitzed drunk. No real repercussions. The weed didn't make me stupid, i was stupid before and after.
Edit: It might help for you to know that my father works night shift.
mythrowawayresponse: never understood the fascination with weed... I don't drink either though... or smoke... not sure what's wrong with me... I don't have any vices. hrm...
[deleted]: You have no vices? What is a Vice? You can drink a few glasses of whiskey a day, and not be an alchoholic, but a few bottles? Then you might have an issue (This is a paraphrased quote from Jose Mujica) There's a differance between how vices are determened, if i ask "Do you drink?" Most adults that arent recovering from alchoholism, probably do, and so in responsibly. But yet that question gets them counted towards a vice. How?
mythrowawayresponse: I don't seem to require or desire this type of stimulus to succeed each day. :)
[deleted]: I Don't either, this was the first time in a week or so. had been a bit stressed out by certain things, but as far as im concerned, it helps me with motivation. (I am clinically diagnosed with Chronic Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder, and PTSD.) and it allowed me to see the brighter side of life. In honesty; its why im alive right now. I was depressed to the point where ending it, wasn't that far fetched.
mythrowawayresponse: ah well if you have a legitimate and lawful need it totally makes sense - too bad your father isn't as supportive.
[deleted]: He doesn't know about that. Maybe some day i'll tell him how loosing my friend affected me, but its not today. Maybe someday, but i don't know the benifit of telling him that for years i felt empty and cold to everyone i knew. If i told him, im pretty sure he would be supportive, although in my state its still illegal. and even if it was legalized, it would be a 21/over medicine, still illegal for me. Is Medical or recreational legalization a good step forward, even if its 21+? Yes, but not ideal. If an 8 year old is having 300 siezures a week, and its the only thing that helps, well then so be it that they need to take it. Medicine is Medicine, and there are actually forms of Marijuana which don't get you high, they have more Cannibidiol then Tetrohydrocannibiniol (CBD Canceles out THC. Similirly Hemp could be grown for the same way, as the highest THC hemp would have is less then 0.5%; for referance, THC in marijuana is average of 15-20%)
mythrowawayresponse: I'm really sorry to read about your predicament; I really wish you the best.
[deleted]: No need to feel sorry. Thanks for the well wishes; but at this point, I move on. While we never lose our luggage in life, and we gather knew things everyday, that we may not want to remember, we have to realize, that its what made us, and that is life. Without being overly cynical about "American" or rather, Mainstream american culture, or lack of culture, that is fed to us. That is my opinion.
| 9 | -0.333333 | |
1403870090 | 1403906797 | t3_298g16 | t5_2to41 | 4,837 | nomnm: TIFU by urinating on a girl
After she had hinted for about a week that it would be a turn on if I urinated on her. She said she hadn't done it before, it would be a first for both of us. A couple of nights ago, I finally did it in the shower on her leg, but she quickly dropped to catch it on her face. Surprised, my stream stuttered, but once you start, it's hard to stop so I resumed urinating on her awkwardly. Lo and behold she had to bang right then and there so we did and it was awesome.
Later, when we were having dinner, she casually mentions that it's weird how my pee tasted a bit sweet so I jokingly ask her how she knows what it's meant to taste like. She didn't answer so I left it.
While cleaning up, she breaks down and tells me that she'd had several exes do it before. This was the last lie in a series that ended the relationship. So far not too bad right?
At lunch today, I was regaling a buddy with the story of how I ended things with the urine-faced pisswhore, and ended it with "Hey, at least she thought my piss was sweet haha."
Buddy is a med student and immediately took me to a clinic..
TIL I have diabetes.
~~_____________________________________________~~
Edit 2: Honest question how does feminism slutshaming etc some into this?
She deceived me into doing something I was/am/DEFINITELY WILL BE FROM NOW ON super uncomfortable with, saying we could share a "first time" together. I wanted to make this work, since I forgave her for such massive things in the past and now I'm a dick for ending shit with her because she asked her ex pissed in her mouth while we we were together? I was trying to understand everyone's reactions, but honestly some of you can just go fuck yourselves.
~~_____________________________________________~~
Edit 3: The humorous "OP who is this girl?" replies aside, can people stop asking, "Is the girl's name _____?" I'm pissed at her for the toxic relationship, but I'm not going to leak that kind of info. (hurhur but seriously stop)
~~_____________________________________________~~
Edit for responses:
To the silver lining people (I like you people): I am actually glad that I know about it now, and at this stage, I guess it's better than going undiagnosed. Thanks for the encouragement and information.
To the kink defenders (I get your reaction): I have to explicitly state here that it had very little to do with her hiding that she has a kink, but rather who with and when. More on this in the following response.
To the series-of-lies enquirers (Your curiosity is justified): If you believe that her hiding her kink was the only reason I broke up with her, then I agree it's petty. But no. When we first started, she hid from me that she was still sleeping with her ex. To this day I am unsure if they broke up before or after we began, but I am sure that after we "went official" she slept with her ex again when I was overseas and she.. got kinky then. Fun fact 1: I found out from his friend that they banged, who was surprised she and I "got back together". Fun fact 2: She asked her ex to piss on her face when I was overseas for work.
To the judgmental insulters (Suck my sweet dick): See parentheses.
nomnm: Well.. This is either a FU, or a blessing. I'm too depressed right now to decide.
[deleted]: Good, that means your brain is working. Not only were you an asshole to a girl who probably has a really hard time telling people what she's into (which is obviously why she presented it as something "new" to her), but you added humiliation to it by making it part of your break up.
And you have diabetes.
I don't feel sorry for you at all-- you're actually very fortunate to be experiencing this. It's exactly this sort of event that can turn a prick into a brilliant, wonderful human being. Don't waste it.
Deidara77: > She said she hadn't done it before, it would be a first for both of us.
She blatantly lied to his face. If she wasn't ready to bring up her fetish, she should have never mentioned it until she felt comfortable. Embarrassment is not an excuse to lie, what the fuck is wrong with the world? Because she has a vagina everyone is willing to cut her some slack and call OP and idiot. OP even said she has lied many times before and I don't know about you, but someone who continues to lie over and over again to me is someone I don't want to be with because obviously they don't trust you enough to tell the truth to you about anything if they feel the need to lie multiple times. Stop feeling sympathy for her just because she's a girl.
Dergins: Grow up. Having a hard time talking about a fetish like that is NORMAL you chode.
Deidara77: When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. He didn't break up with her because of her fetish, in fact he probably didn't mind or enjoyed it because it led to amazing sex. He broke up with her, justifiably I might add, because she lied to him again. Not the first lie, not the second, but multiple times she lied to him. There are many reasons people tell lies, but at the end of the day, a lie is told to hide the truth. No matter the intentions of a lie, good or bad, to protect someone or to hide an embarrassment, a lie means the liar doesn't trust the person he/she is lying to enough to tell them the truth. She could have said something like "Sweetheart, I have this fetish that really turns me on, do you want to try it sometime?" Then, if OP said she was gross or insulted her afterwards, she could dump his ass and find someone more open sexually. However, as we saw in the post, OP was fully willing to try her fetish with her and everything would have been great if OP had trusted her partner and not lied to him. Relationships built upon lies, or otherwise filled with them cannot last.
ElitistRobot: First off, it's not slander to tell someone to grow up. That's an observational criticism. How you inferred it is up to you.
Second, Dergin's point is perfectly correct - people by and large don't tell their partners about their fetishes. This woman tried to broach the subject in a way that wouldn't spook him, and then she felt safe, she told him the full truth (probably because she didn't want to have to keep the secret in the first place, but otherwise didn't feel safe with the OP.
So your rants are kind of out of place here, skip. And frankly, I hope no one with a interesting/odd fetish ever has to end up romatically attached to you - because you're not the sort of person that a fetishist can trust.
Deidara77: Did you not see the part where he called me a chode? And now you try to label me with your own perceived notions? You have no idea what kind of person I am, so making assumptions about me is naive. I have no issues with fetishes, I have issues with someone who lies to me many times over time. If they lie to me 10 times, there are trust issues.
Dergins: She, and I called you as such because you are being one. Besides, if he considers something like that a major lie I'm sure everything else was pissant stuff too. Op really needs to do some maturing, and so do you. By the way, using fancy language doesn't actually make you sound smarter/more correct.
Deidara77: It doesn't matter if this was a small lie or a big lie. The problem is she has a history of lying to him. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to you.
Dergins: I've lied to my husband to hide surprises and the like from him, so I guess that makes me a lying bitch right? Just... go away.
Deidara77: Lying to hide a surprise is not what OP is talking about obviously.
[deleted]: lying to protect herself, so much worse.
Deidara77: Do you not get it yet? The issue is she is a chronic liar. End of story.
| 14 | 345.5 | |
1403868696 | 1403885577 | t3_298erc | t5_2to41 | 32 | SirHigor: TIFU by getting way too drunk at the coworkers' party
I work at a school's library in Brazil and last weekend there was a coworkers' party celebrating the new school's principal. So this place was full of teachers, counselors, people from different school sectors and the new principal, so you can imagine how much I fucked up.
I drink a lot and never got a problem with passing out or throwing up when I drink vodka, tequila or beer. I drank beer the whole evening since midday until 8pm, ate barbecue and a lot of other stuff but so far so good. The problem is when I drank a drink called "cachaça" (it's like vodka, but for me is no good, but since I was drunk I pretty much didn't care) with one of my coworkers and started to feel really bad. Last thing I know I was throwing up all over the place and people were helping me (some of them were just staring), I didn't pass out but they had to take me home.
Now I have to deal with everyone talking about how bad I was at the party. Some of my friends are mocking me so hard, telling me that next party they will bring milk for me, that I can't drink. The new principal told me it was unpleasant to see me that way and hope next party I don't do that anymore. My advice is to control your drinking in these situations.
BrentMcClowd: You'll only make this mistake once in your life, I guarantee it. No matter what, when partying with coworkers you should never ever let them see you fully wasted. Get socially acceptable drunk. Don't party like you do at home.
Things just aren't the same if they know everything about your partying habits or vices. They might not even care or judge you for it, but there's still that whole situation with "we know somethin' bout you!"
Silverlight42: totally agree. There's actually a cafeteria lady from work.... she lives right nextdoor to me, so she sees me quite often, in my backyard or walking by, etc... and she always has some fucking comment about what I was doing or seeing me outside, etc when I get my lunch. I wish she'd just keep that to herself. I do. I don't bring shit from home at work. I guess in the cafeteria it's a bit less professional ;/
WaylandC: Well, you could always address this with her. Or start inviting her over?
| 4 | 8 | |
1403870955 | 1403936945 | t3_298gun | t5_2to41 | 202 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting a tampon in me for 10 days
I've been noticing a smell down there for the past 3 days going from slightly-funkier-than-fish-odor to seems-like-I-haven't-showered-for-a-week, and finally to getting-small-whiffs-of-it-every-time-i-spread-my-legs (esp. when working out).
Well today I finally discovered the source. It was wrinkled and sticky and grey all over. The string was gone so I had to stick two fingers up there and fish it out myself. I even know the exact date I put in an extra tampon. I had just assumed that the one I had in fell out while I was on the can and playing with my phone. 10 days ago. 10 fucking days ago.
On the plus side, I also began getting a strange itchy rash all over my body at the same time as the advent of The Odor - at least I know where that also came from.
Now excuse me while I douche vigorously for the next week or so.
sniss-o-matic: No, **do not douche**!!
As bad as leaving a tampon in for days may be, rinsing your already self cleansing vagina out with healthy bacteria destroying douche is the last thing your vagina needs right now, you would be left even more prone to infection.
somewomanus: Lol vaginas are self - cleansing now? When did this upgrade happen?
ninjajandal: Forever, dude. Hence all the discharge-y goodness of the normal vagoo
somewomanus: So a yeast infection is now cleaning goo? This thread is fascinating! All the misinformation and misunderstanding of vaginas is unreal!
ninjajandal: Please see a doctor. Pay then money, and beg then to teach you how a vagina works. Please. But get your parents permission and finish your homework first, k?
somewomanus: I'm older than you are I'm sure, and I know how a vagina works..I own one. Plus, I have a brain and can think for myself. Douching is not ALL bad people. This is the perfect scenario for it, and it would do her some immediate good.
ninjajandal: You sound like you know fuck all. And you're making it worse with every post. Love to chat more, got shit to do though!
somewomanus: What a nice person you are. Have a great day doing your shit!
Edit: I'm starting to think that most women are very passionate about not cleaning their vajayjays..While I am suspicious of the microbiologist who did not cite his/her claims, I can respect your passion on this subject.
| 9 | 22.444444 | |
1403872037 | 1403894181 | t3_298hz0 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU and pissed off my best friend and now I'm homeless.
So I was watching a documentary about basketball with my best friend who is also my roommate. I don't know a lot about inner city black culture and while watching some guys shoot hoops in NYC, I wondered aloud that it must be dangerous, and how could they be playing basketball with the risk of getting shot at any moment. I saw a movie with a scene like that. Should have kept my mouth shut. OMG. My roommate is black and now he thinks I'm racist and I gotta move out. The conversation got a lot worse because once I realized how dumb I sounded, I just started asking more dumb questions to try to lighten it up, as if I was totally clueless. Now he has no respect for me and I am sleeping on dirty laundry on the kitchen floor.
bwbnz: If he was considered to be your best friend, he ain't. A best friend wouldn't do that. I'm racist to my friends all the time and they're racist back to me. We have a black friend called token, he doesn't care lol. He laughs every time we use that word in public. Best friends shouldn't be bothered or be insulted by other friends because at the end of the day, best friends will be there for each other.
therealrenshai: Now, I'm not going to say you're racist but this is what a racist person would say.
Frank_Caswole: It's okay though, because his friends are racist too!
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1403848529 | 1403901744 | t3_297xum | t5_2to41 | 32 | AntEater512: TIFU by not locking the bathroom door.
The one time. The one damn time I don't lock my bathroom door my mom walks in on me masturbating! Just my luck. She walked out almost instantly so maybe she didn't see. But I am 99% sure she saw me going to town on the bathroom seat. Shit. (Happened 5 minutes ago too which sucks even more)
a_guile: Locks people, they were not invented to stop burglary. A thief can easily break a window. Locks exist to prevent people from walking in on you spanking the monkey.
uui8457: "spanking the monkey" sounds like a very peculiar way of doing it, please describe.
a_guile: Well, look at it this way. You don't want people to see you, and people don't want to see you when you are abusing the animal.
| 4 | 8 | |
1403875506 | 1403882591 | t3_298lwi | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by making hundreds of shortcuts to my Windows 8 screen.
Silverlight42: lol, just click, select em all, and hit delete.
not sure what's so hard about that... unless windows 8 is dumb or something... i've never used it yet.
datraceman: Windows 8 is that dumb. You can't multi-select on that menu because it's like a tablet interface. You have to click one at a time to remove.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1403878540 | 1403879490 | t3_298pxk | t5_2to41 | 6 | mrgreen1114: TIFU by sending a beer across the restaurant to a buddy...
Context:
Two days ago I went out to see a friend that works abroad that was in town. We casually met with a small group of friends at the local bar.
About 4-6 couples in our party, Great time. "Matt & Jen participated in drinking"
Late last night, I was out with two friends and one spots Matt eating with Jen. Instead of being an ass and interrupting them I decide to casually send a beer to his table and a free drink of choice for Jen. Waitress comes back moments later and says to express his appreciation and then informed me what Jen said "Thank you but I can't drink because I'm pregnant."
Well it could be a lot worse but pretty sure we were not supposed to know about that, he came over shortly to thank me personally and chat. Guess what topic did not happen to come up.
poohspiglet: A lot of women don't announce pregnancy until after the first trimester because so much can happen until you reach the first milestone. Not a biggie. Just remember, that's their announcement to make, not yours. But I bet they were glad you said hello in that way. Very nice and thoughtful!
mrgreen1114: Yeah, I'm pretty sure its not his, But 1 on 1 i'll get the whole story.
| 3 | 2 | |
1403880297 | 1403895176 | t3_298sii | t5_2to41 | 7 | cuntdumpling: TIFU by not buying toilet paper
[deleted]: So, what did you end up doing? USA Today to the rescue?
cuntdumpling: I was able rip off a strip long enough to work. Maybe a third of a square. Didn't get everything, but that's what I had.
[deleted]: Socks are always an acceptable alternative in shitty situations
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403881085 | 1403924915 | t3_298tpz | t5_2to41 | 35 | ab1kenobe: TIFU by kissing my bank manager
I got a phone call a couple of hours ago from my bank, telling me how they are changing overdraft charges and how that would effect me. My dog jumped onto the couch as I was listening to this guy go on about how the charges I faced would be more now, and a long explanation of the different rates.
I zoned out a little and started stroking my dog before leaning right up to him and giving a big kiss on the head and saying "good boy, yes you are. Good boy!" in the exaggerated tone people use with animals. I'd forgotten about my phone until the guy's voice which had been droning on in my ear for the past 20 mins, falters for a moment. I freeze too and there is a moment where we are both trying to work out what is the acceptable social norm of getting out of this situation.
Being British we did the only thing possible which was to ignore it and bravely carry on, albeit rather awkwardly...
marryingmover: Somehow I knew even before I clicked the link you'd be British.
a_guile: It was the use of the phrase "bank manager" here in 'murica we would use the phrase "Corporate money-whoring Communist!"
Harper2468: Holy sh*t im fuckin dying at this cause its so true!!!!
Plus the corporate money-whoring communists dont have the courtesy to call you and tell you that they are fucking you... again!!!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1403880379 | 1404070350 | t3_298smc | t5_2to41 | 35 | Goly-Old-Digger-Nick: TIFU by responding to an email
SO, my high school has a daily announcement system via school distributed emails. Now I was checking it and they sent one about a trip to a foreign country. At first I was excited but as I read it was only for kids taking a class that I will not be taking next year. Me believing that any response to this automated system gets deleted responded "why the f*** do you send me s*** if I cant go." I thought it would not even get sent. BUT OHHHH IT DID, it got sent to the assistant principal and she just called my house about 30 minutes ago yelling and saying how "I'll spend the first day of school in her office" and saying Ill get punished. Now my dad is shitting bricks and breaking them over my head and my mom has yet to come home from work. I emailed her back trying to explain it but I haven't been replied to, Ill keep it updated. Reddit what do I do, TIFU.
Edit: my mom isn't even mad and yes the school gave us those email addresses.
Anonimon: At least you had a point...
Goly-Old-Digger-Nick: Any idea what I could do to not get suspension/detention?
Tyler510: Maybe say you tried sending it as a reply to a spam subscription that got into your inbox?
bsilver: Considering that it came from his school and it was a list not sent to random addresses, I don't think this would count as spam. Also, is it being sent to a private email address? Where did they get that if it wasn't given to them for this specific purpose?
Worse case would be if it was sent to a school address for the student. Then this would fall under the "this is our network, our email system, our rules" rules in which case the student would have probably broken some expectations about acceptable use.
Tyler510: If it was sent to his personal email then my idea is perfectly valid. The school email belongs in his inbox but the spam that got past the default spam guard doesn't belong in the inbox.
bsilver: The whole TIFU had nothing to do with a spam message. He got a legit message from the school that he replied to with inappropriate frankness. Lying about it just signals to the administrators that he thinks they're extraordinarily stupid...or they're to believe the OP is that stupid...as to not know exactly what he or she did.
Tyler510: I'm saying he could play it off as he accidentally sent the message to the school instead of replying to a spam message.
| 8 | 4.375 | |
1403881002 | 1403983215 | t3_298tlf | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by having multiple mini staring contests with a coworkers chest, and she caught me a few times and called me a pervert and several other people around my office heard. Now I'm afraid to come back off lunch because I know I'm going to do it again.
Ghost_Rape_The_Whip: That's why you wear sunglasses. I'm a chick and even I know that.
[deleted]: *puts on sunglasses* was that smooth? no? damn it.
Ghost_Rape_The_Whip: You still get an A for effort.
[deleted]: he gets the A and she gets the D
Ghost_Rape_The_Whip: Now everyone is happy.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1403882445 | 1403938366 | t3_298vsr | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by not not being up to date with AirPlay.
So my GF decided we should visit her brother and family for the long weekend. Naturally I'm against the idea because I've never met her brother or his family, and wanted this long weekend to chill about and watch the World Cup. She insisted(he loves soccer you can go and play in his summer league yada yadad yadda) and I caved. Last night we arrive at her brothers house exchange pleasantries and meet his wife kids etc. but after a long drive 5hrs on the road I head up to the guest room and leave them to be. And nod off to sleep. I wake up before everyone this morning like 5am and decide to have a walk around the neighborhood. After that I come back it's still 6am and early everyone's still asleep. I pour myself some orange juice and sit down to watch tv. After searching around for a remote all I found was a little silver one and pressed around it a bit and the screen comes on..to what I can only then assume to be an apple television console. Nothing much to do but play some specific clips and stuff but no cable channels or anything. I got bored with it and then I spot an iPad. Nice let me check some news on this iPad I say to myself. Read about some sports and things after clicking about on the internet catching up with World Cup events I started to get a boner to what I can only remember triggering it as some hot pictures of Brazilian fans and Brazils woman in general on the article.
I'm off to a porn site within the minute, when I start to hear some rumblings in the floor above, I've got my shorts on have some porno up in an incognito window thank god.. With a raging boner with what I can only presume to be the kids iPad. Rumbling and floor creaks continue, my boner is not down. Then i think to myself fuckit I can rub one out before they come downstairs. So scuttle away into the first floor bath and and I'm off to wank town. Pick the first good video on the tube site ..Aaah skin diamond ..she'll have to do.
The video loads and I can't see a thing on the iPad..I'm already fappin to the anticipation ..no video still black...I move the curser fast forward it replay it and still no luck..
Then I full screen the video...lo and behold my jaw dropped an audible gasp must of been heard from the restroom. "THIS VIDEO IS PLAYING ON APPLE TV." "CONNECTED TO TV".
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckf. I close the tabs then shut down the whole iPad.
I try and see if I can hear anything from the bathroom ...nothing ...
I think to myself ..safe ..walk out slowly out of the restroom and walk around towards the stairs to safely hide back in the room..when I pass by the living room..the brothers wife was flipping through sheets on the couch apparently looking for the iPad..she didn't see me as I slowly tiptoed across to the stairs set the the iPad on the floor near it and just run up the atairs.. By then I'm sure she heard the running upstairs..
That happened 2hrs ago now..the kids are downstairs ...everyone is up..I keep giving my gf bullshhit excuses as I try and figure out an escape..
CrazieMexican: I'm beginning to notice that Bluetooth and air play are evil...
redoverture: Only if you don't *check* before you start a video. With iOS7, you just pull up and look for the icon.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403881419 | 1403902255 | t3_298u71 | t5_2to41 | 111 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally jacking off my dog
guzzball: r/sexwithdogs
DatAwsomness: /r/sexwithdogs *
guzzball: thanks, at work and couldn't go there to get the link
zandburger: If you just type /r/ and the name of the subreddit it automatically links it for you, which is exactly what /u/DatAwsomness did.
guzzball: TIL
| 6 | 18.5 | |
1403882964 | 1403890415 | t3_298wne | t5_2to41 | 4 | throwaway199715: TIFU: By masturbating at my grandma's house
Jonny_D85: Jesus man, you were shaking the bed hard enough for her to notice... Just how hard were you jacking it?
throwaway199715: Lol, it was my first time to go at it in like a week. (Which was a long time for 14 year old me)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403885185 | 1636138723 | t3_29902m | t5_2to41 | 168 | teege79: TIFU by having sex with my ex-wife.
My ex wife came over last night to drop off our kid’s for the night, she’s been leaving them at my house when she goes to work during her parenting week. We started talking and ended up staying up real late just talking about all kinds of shit, mostly our love lives. She ended up sitting next to me and kept sliding her leg against mine. I was getting tired and started hinting that I wanted to go to bed. She asked me if she should go home and out of nowhere, without much though, I said “do you want to have sex”? I was really horny, not having a girlfriend or anyone to have sex with in a while. We ended up screwing in my bed and she slept over until she had to go to work at 5AM. Now I’m worried she’s going to take it as a sign that we could get back together. I have NO desire to be with her, she really was just a hole, something for me to squirt my love juice into. I think I made that clear but she’s kind of crazy and idk if I just fucked up a recently improving relationship by fucking her, and my kids might suffer for it.
edit: deleted some misplaced words
edit: added comma per suggestion... thank you! that sounded bad.
leaptheman: >she really was just a hole, something for me to squirt my love juice into
Yeah, you sound like a winner.
fullofgreendust: We can't all be gentlesirs, not all the time. Sometimes you just want to fuck and that's it.
leaptheman: Regardless, that's still another person. Another human. Not some hole. Call your fleshlight that, but not another person.
fullofgreendust: Well yeah. Sometimes she can be your hole and he can be your stick simultaneously. There's no harm in that. Not all fucking has to be some hyper-cerebral experience.
leaptheman: I'm not saying it has to be meaningful or 'hyper-cerebral'. I'm saying it's shitty to refer to the other person as just a hole. Or just a stick. Either way, it's shitty.
teege79: If you had any idea what our relationship has been in the past decade I might value your opinion, but you don't, so I wont.
leaptheman: I'm sorry, but nothing, no event in life devalues someone to being a "hole". You're right, I don't know your relationship. I only know you referred to her as a hole to squirt your love juice into. That's what I'm going off of here and that's enough. It has nothing to do with it being "just sex". I'm not saying "awww man, you did the special s-e-x with her, love her forever now". I'm saying it's really shitty to refer to a woman, any woman, as a hole to squirt into. Have sex all you want, I don't care, but please think for a moment before you type some lame ass shit like that in order to look cool on reddit. People are more than that.
Erocitnam: I appreciate you for saying this.
handydandy6: right? Interesting reading this so far into the future but the man was speaking facts
| 10 | 16.8 | |
1403885652 | 1403907711 | t3_2990uy | t5_2to41 | 53 | BobPinciotti: TIFU by spilling 20 litres of pop syrup all over my boss and her computer.
I work at a small family restaurant. We have about 20 employees and we are a very busy joint at all times of the day.
I work as a waiter so normally I don't have to deal with the sort of thing that I had to deal with today.
Today one of our bussers lost it and quit, and the other busser that was working at the same time freaked out and quit as well, so we were at lunch rush with nobody cleaning tables or doing any of the small jobs around the restaurant.
We ran our of root beer. Shit. The manager asked me to change to pop, so naturally I think this can't be too hard. We keep the 20L boxes of pop syrup in a shelf above the managers desk. The box says don't open with a knife, but I'm feeling pretty highly of myself and I go for it.
FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK. I pierced the bag sending 20L of root beer syrup all over my managers computer, printer, keyboard, and phone.
I couldn't breathe. I freaked the fuck out. I closed the door turned off the light and went straight to the change room to take off my uniform. I left it right there in the bathroom, went straight home and blocked the work number.
TL;DR: I now work at Mcdonalds.
**Update**: Still no call from my manager. No house visitations and such. Ex coworkers have reached out to me on Facebook asking where I've been and if I did it. I chose not to read not reply to the messages. Today was my first day at Mcdonalds and I watched a bunch of stupid safety videos. Ironically they told me not to open the bags of ice cream mix with a knife. I have an ominous feeling that you folks haven't seen the last of me.
GreatAlbatross: Hold on, so you funked up, after two other people had left that day, and instead of owning up and taking steps to make the issue right, not to mention doing your best to help a restaurant already 2 men down, you just ran?!
That's appalling! You FU'd, but you couldn't even approach the aftermath like an adult.
glassbackpack: Eh, embarrassment is a hell of a drug.
BobPinciotti: Bingo
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1403886363 | 1403994971 | t3_29920q | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking then accidentally kissing my best friend who has had a boyfriend for 4 months
Well, this all started on Monday when I fucked up for the first time by drinking 2 shots of absolute as the day before was my birthday (I am only 16) later that day I was supposed to leave in order to compete in skillsusa at the national level. My friend was the main reason I was there, I enjoy spending time with her however her parents have always disliked me making hanging out outside of school nearly impossible. So everything was going smoothly, she and another friend sat together on our first flight into Denver, then she decided to sit next to me on the flight from Denver to Kansas city. On the plane we started talking about the things that have happened between us, including our past 3 breakups, the most recent I'd which was the hardest that I had ever gone through. we started dating secretly as her parents disliked me, and were very careful about displaying affection, but soon another guy asked her out and because get parents had been pushing her to go out with him she said yes. This did not stop our relationship from continuing secretly. This went on for about 2 months, the stress from the situation constantly causing our relationship to break down, until one day we got in a fight and we were done. At this point, she had been cheating on her official boyfriend with me for about 2 months. Well skip about 2 months forward and get to Monday. I still have feelings for her but try not to let them get in the way of our friendship, we board the 2nd flight. I take the window seat and she takes the middle seat. She gets upset while flying so she half lays on me and half hugs me for the beginning of the flight bringing up these feelings that I'm trying to hold back, we start having emotional talks about our relationship until we land. After landing we got on a bus to go to the hotel, we continue to talk and she begins to hint strongly that she still has feelings for me. After our past three breakups I wasn't sure I wanted to ask and confirm what she was hinting. So, after awhile of her hinting, for no reason, I kissed her. I didn't think about it or even mean to do it, it just happened. She was just as surprised as I was. I immediately apologized for it and couldn't look at her. She eventually got me to and told me she understood. She seemed rather calm about it.
The next day she told me that she had tills her boyfriend and mom, I didn't blame her for doing so, but I knew that I had really messed up. She gradually starts to show that she hates me and I begin to avoid her in order to give her space. She tells me that she won't tell the teachers anything but I tell her that that's the least of my worries and that I feel terrible for what I did. We don't talk for awhile and then while I'm in my hotel room I hear a knock and it's an advisor, I go out into the hall and they tell me that they talked to her, and she told them what happened. I admitted fully to everything, including the alcohol. I then called my parents to inform them of the situation. They were shocked as this is not something I do. So now, I've lost a friend and the trust of my parents because I made the mistake of drinking.
Tl;dr
Drank before a trip with a friend and accidentally ended up kissing her and it ruined our friendship.
SkillsThrowAway: What category did you compete in?? (Fellow skills member here.. In fact I'm writing this from the closing ceremony)
Kamer0n: Quiz bowl. Good to meet a fellow member. What did you compete in?
SkillsThrowAway: Job skills demo, open. How did you do?
Kamer0n: Didn't place. And yourself?
SkillsThrowAway: Didn't even make it to my "finals" haha
Kamer0n: Same. Still made it to nationals though. Right?
SkillsThrowAway: Hell yeah! Was this your first year?
Kamer0n: Yeah, it was good to see Kansas city before they moved. Was it yours?
SkillsThrowAway: Yeah it was my first time. What grade are you in? (From your TIFU post I assume HS lol)
Kamer0n: Yeah, I'm a junior in HS. You?
SkillsThrowAway: College culinary student. You gunna compete again next year?
Kamer0n: I hope so, I would love to have a better experience than the one I had this year haha. Do you plan on competing next year?
SkillsThrowAway: Yeah definitely! It will be my last year being able to compete.. I got 5th place this year.. I figure with enough practice throughout the year I can maybe bring home a bronze from nationals next year
Kamer0n: Well, I hope to see you there! Best of luck! And don't shoot for the bronze, go for the gold.
SkillsThrowAway: Thanks, you too! What state btw?
Kamer0n: Idaho. You?
SkillsThrowAway: Jersey
Kamer0n: Well, I hope to see you at nationals next year! Best of luck!
SkillsThrowAway: Same to you!
| 20 | 1.1 | |
1403885831 | 1404132106 | t3_299145 | t5_2to41 | 62 | scrubtech85: TIFU by poisoning both my wife and myself.
Well I decided to fix a fancy bday dinner for my wife and grilled some mahi mahi that had been in the fridge for a few days. It didnt smell bad and tasted great, then my wife started turning red. I thought she may have gotten sunburnt and I hadnt noticed til now but then she started getting redder so I got some benedryl. We were both confused cause she hadnt reacted to fish like that before just msg. So I looked up on the internet about fish allergies and came to the conclusion it was
SCOMBROID FISH POISONING since the sell by date was 3 days ago. But we couldnt figure out why it didnt affect me. 30mins later I get this pounding headache and could fell my heart beating thru my back and I also turned red took some benedryl and fell asleep. Moral to story only eat fresh fish cause you cant smell or cook out the mean bugs that grow on it.
coochini_martini: Wow, that's pretty scary! Glad you guys are ok. Reminds me of the time I was a server and a guy ordered the mahi mahi rare. Gave the check to the chef and he was like "Uh... he cant have this rare." So I went and told him that and he said "Oh no no I like it that way." Clearly he was trying to impress the girl he was with so I just said Okay. Told the chef he said cook it how its best. Brought out the fish and came back to check on them a few minutes later and the guy was RAVING about the rare fish he ordered while I tried to hold back laughter. The girl obviously knew it wasn't rare and was just going along with this asshat's spiel. Fun times.
folsam: Are you in Rochester ny by chance? I have been said chef on the other end of an identical conversation.
coochini_martini: That's crazy weird, Actually was in Rochester, PA!!!
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1403887984 | 1403890529 | t3_2994ot | t5_2to41 | 4 | ajman70: TIFU by nailing a little girl in the face with a tennis ball
So I work coaching little kids on the basics of tennis at my local park. It's a pretty easy job and the pay is fine for what I need it for. The kids really like me and we tend to mess around a lot during drills, to make sitting out in the heat bearable. Today I decided we could play sharks and minnows. It's a tennis game where basically the coach and a kid play points against a kid on the other side of he court. I feed them tennis balls and they try their best to win the point against me and the current champion. Now, I LOVE this game, mostly because if a kid messes up and hits a floater down the middle, I get to send straight down and over their head with a cherry bomb smash. So this girl named Sarah (codename) Came up to hit the ball and I give her a real easy feed (she struggles with forehands). She gets really good technique but it floats right in front of me. I decide though that she tried really hard so I'll smack the ball out and pretend like I made a mistake to make her feel better. But Lo and behold I whip a backhand thinking it will clear the fence, only to smack her straight in the face with a ball. Now apparently to all the little ones I'm like the Chris Brown of 8 year olds. I don't think I'm going to play that game anymore.
When I asked her if she was ok she tried to bribe me for candy or else she would tell her parents. Not worried.
_Azweape_: I read the first few words, and started to judge right away. "wow, you sick... oh just a tennis ball."
[deleted]: I did the exact same thing, ended up laughing at the last 2 sentances in the story!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403885632 | 1404052715 | t3_2990tl | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By not checking for toilet paper
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rideride: lol
| 3 | 1 | |
1403887688 | 1403896465 | t3_29946s | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting nearly getting a caffeine overdose
First of all, let me say that I did not go to the hospital or get near death experience before many of you complain that this is not worthy to TIFU.
Yesterday, my best friend came over to my house and we decided that we wanted to stay up hella late playing Mount and Blade Warband together. That day we walked to gas stations and bought energy drinks and such. around 3pm that day i drank a KickStart energy drink which has roughly around 150mg of caffeine (and i'm not counting the Taurine and stuff) Then we bought Red Bulls and Starbucks double shot coffee drinks. The daily recommended intake of caffeine 250-500mg for an average adult, and I am just a mere teenager. Through out the day I had eaten food and played on Steam with my friend like usual. Then around 1:30 am i was beginning to get on the verge of being tired. So I drank a 12 oz Redbull hat has roughly 120 mg of caffeine. My friend hasn't really drank any energy drinks since he is a somewhat night owl. By now, I don't really feel any effects but just the usually, focused, energy filled, awake feeling. Then around 3am of non-stop Mount and Blade i get really tired so I decide to pop open one Redbull's and crush it down. I soon felt the effects about 10 minutes into my terrible mistake. I had to stop playing for a second because my heart was beating terrible hard and semi-fast. I asked my friend to feel my heart and he said I should probably lay down. Around 4am shit really comes in. I'm sweating, I'm nervous and I have a ridiculous amount of anxiety. I then open up google as a last resort for what to do, because even though I may have not totally maxed out, I was fearful for any upcoming fate that could happen. I read symptoms of COS (Caffeine Overdose Syndrome) and I had the usual symptoms. Sweaty palms, Fear, anxiety, paranoia, irregular heart beat and A hard heart beat. The only symptoms I did not express were vomiting, chest pain, hallucinations and uncontrollable muscle movements. Every thing felt far away and I felt like claustrophobia in way, because I wanted to move but I really couldn't. I then look for treatments. "Milk and water" I don't care if that's legit or not, but anything to make this shit stop. So I drank some milk and as presumed, nothing felt different. Around 4:45 am my teeth started chattering like I was cold or something. I couldn't stop chattering and I stuttered a lot when I talked. My friend eventually told me to go lay down. i lay down and watched Superjail for a bit and my heart beat did decrease and become less pounding, but I still felt the light head confusion feeling still. My friend recommended going to sleep. Right before I lay down i got the most painful headache that i have ever had so far. I eventually fall asleep on what I guess is 5:30 am.
The next day I wake up and I felt like vomiting. My friend (who hadn't slept that night) helped me when I woke up. I feel much better now. but I still feel the need to move...
a_guile: Ok, you were not close to caffeine OD. It takes a Lot of caffeine to overdose. (Think around 100 redbulls.) But you probably had more than you are used to. A little caffeine will help you stay awake, but it is still a psychoactive drug. It also will raise your heart rate and blood pressure. Drink more than you are used to and you can have basically a mild panic attack, it feels shitty.
barryspencer: LD50 for caffeine is between 5 and 10 grams. So 42 Red Bulls, total of 5.04 grams caffeine, gets you within lethal dose territory.
a_guile: Still a lot more than 3. Also it depends on weight, and for my weight it is on the higher end.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1403890793 | 1403942401 | t3_2999hk | t5_2to41 | 648 | alFacto: TIFU by telling my grandson i was in WW2
Tim337: WTF? You can't have guns in England? I think it's about time for some freedum^TM
sweetpea122: Is it really illegal to have guns in England?
Turd_in_the_hole: Handguns. You can have a shotgun or rifle but only for hunting or shooting with a club, and you need a license
sweetpea122: i guess they do need some freedom. my tiny almost 60 year old mom carries a .45
Isterpuck: She was in WW2 though, right?
sweetpea122: nope just like op
Also, i know gun control is big issue in this country, but Id rather my old parents carry guns than crazy asses that shoot up movie theatres. Also if i am at a movie, I would hope someone else has a gun than end up dead bc some crazy ass went crazy and shot a ton of people since handguns are illegal.
Tim-Sanchez: The thing is, nobody has guns in the UK, not even criminals. Crimes involving guns are very rare, and mass shootings almost unheard of since the legislation. I'm very happy with it that way
dpash: Even the police don't carry guns. We have special police units trained for gun use.
There is some gun crime in the UK, but it is very rare and you can go your whole life without seeing a gun in person. I'm 35 and have only ever seen one outside the UK.
I too am very happy with our gun laws, as are most of the country.
Bitch all you like about freedom, but realise we have a completely different cultures to the US.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: The reason I think an outright ban on firearms wouldn't work in America is the sheer size and volume difference. The UK is pretty much a big island with part of an adjacent island amd some surrounding little islands. There weren't as many guns in the UK to get rid of as there are in America, and there isn't nearly as much land. In America, there are so many firearms already here that an outright ban would only serve to disarm honest citizens and a few lazy criminals. Then you also have the issue of state legislation and the second ammendment. The issue is more complicated than people on either side tend to try to make it.
dpash: The second amendment could be revoked by another amendment, just as the 21st revokes the 18th. Also the second amendment clearly has limits, as for example the assault rifle ban was considered constitutional. The interpretation could also be modified by the courts. The amendment talks about militias, not private citizens. In United States v. Miller (1939), the Supreme Court ruled that the federal government and the states could limit any weapon types not having a “reasonable relationship to the preservation or efficiency of a well regulated militia”. I suspect that it would be found constitutional to ban hand guns if the political will was there.
I don't think the legal aspect is a huge barrier to changing gun culture in the US.
MyCreatedAccount: The first dozen or so, can not be altered, that is why they have their own name (bill of rights).
dpash: There is nothing special about the first ten amendments (the bill of rights) other than they were adopted and ratified at the same time. There were two other amendments adopted, but not ratified, at the same time, with one of them becoming the 27th amendment in 1992.
The only part of the constitution that can't be amended is that states can't lose their equal share of the vote in the senate without their consent. Everything else can be changed by the usual amendment procedures.
| 13 | 49.846154 | |
1403894258 | 1403934244 | t3_299f62 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Shrubrooster: TIFU by trying to make soldered connections
TIFU because I was tasked to replace an electrical component on some equipment on a customer's machine. Easy enough, I thought, as I drove to Reno, NV this morning. I found out they old wires were soldered in and the new ones would have to be soldered onto the new component. Three wires and 15mins of work and I'd be out. Well as I was finishing up the solder the last wire's solder looked uneven so I decided to warm it up again and spread the solder out a little better.... Since I had already started cleaning up when I made this decision my alligator clip for holding the wire in place was in my toolkit and I didn't realize how much "spring" was in the wire. As soon as the solder liquified, the wire popped off and slung hot solder onto my lower lip! It burned like hell but I pulled it off and finished the job and cleaned up my tools and was having the customer sign the work order when I noticed my forehead felt funny... Then I looked in the mirror in the washroom..... I now have a section of my right eyebrow missing but it looked very 80's with the shine of solder!
TL:DR - Having your eyebrows waxed can't hurt more than pulling solder off of your eyebrow!
Dimsml: Thank God it missed your eyes. There was a guy on Reddit who got a piece of solder in his eye. It was dug out by an ophtalmologist with a big-ass needle, AFAIR.
Shrubrooster: The thing is, I WAS wearing safety glasses. The angle of the wire & liquid solder was perfect to hit my eyebrow. My lip was swollen for a few hrs on the drive back to Sacramento but my eyebrow looked like a reject Vanilla Ice Groupy's for a month.
Dimsml: Woah, well done!
No, seriously, people usually tell you about safety procedures, but they rarely tell you about the stuff that happens when not following these procedures.
Next time someone tells about safety you should just jump into the conversation and tell your story.
Hope your lip and eyebrow are ok now.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1403895289 | 1403926408 | t3_299gwe | t5_2to41 | 155 | ar111: TIFU by drinking a liter of beet juice
...so I drank the juice two days ago, but the effects are at its peak.
I had been sick for a couple of days and saw some beet juice at the store - I thought, shit that's probably healthy, and will make me feel better. Lord was I wrong.
The problems started when the sugar in the beet juice made it so I couldnt sleep, so that sucked, but the real pain was coming.
When I woke up, I had a monster fucking headache and a thirst 1000 gatorades wouldnt fix.
I go about my day, drinking water, but nothing is helping, and then each time I piss, I think Im dying because this wasn't pink pee - it was fucking blood red. When I shat, Im pretty sure I had a miscarriage. This detail is unrelated to the devil fucking me in my forehead, but distubring detail nonetheless.
Anyway, day two rolls around, and I wake up and I still have a monster headache. I decide to look up the side effects of beet juice, and find out its a diuretic.
Dehydration + sugar usually only happens to me after a shitload of booze. But I had no booze, just beet juice.
I had a two day hangover because of fucking beet juice.
pleasuremaker: I didn't even know there was such a thing called Beet Juice. I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to drink it, maybe cook with it.
ar111: Behold the devil incarnate, definitely meant for drinking: http://imgur.com/aDFQjPW
i_go_to_uri: OP if you wanna feel better by drinking something get the juice drink called "Bolthouse Farms" they have lots of varieties, are sooo fucking healthy and packed with fruit and taste great. Also, I had some blackberry pomegranate green tea one time, best tea I ever had, add some sugar and honey, oh man.
Hhwwhat: And very reasonably priced.
| 5 | 31 | |
1403894685 | 1403908553 | t3_299fvh | t5_2to41 | 4 | builderkid107: TIFU by eating cake.
nucleotidingsofjoy: Did you check the buttered toast for mold before you ate it?
builderkid107: Haha. Not funny.
BrokenStool: it is funny n00b :^)
| 4 | 1 | |
1403896579 | 1403915328 | t3_299ixx | t5_2to41 | 4 | bruce_md: TIFU by expecting decent morals
-My_Other_Account-: What are biggie boards?
DeathHaze420: He meant boogie board I bet.
-My_Other_Account-: That makes alot more sense lol.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403895198 | 1403956710 | t3_299gqy | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: Tifu by going into work without showering...
So I wake up late after a fun night and toss on my work clothes. I scramble to make it in and manage to arrive on time.
Everything is going good until I run into another staff member...
"what the fuck? Why do you have cat whiskers drawn on your face? And who's Taylor?
So apparently the fun and cute girl I met last night drew cat whiskers on me and wrote "nice to meet you" - Taylor. On my forearm next to a very obvious bite mark...
I hope my co-worker can keep their mouth shut...
WarmakerT: I'm guessing you don't have a mirror in your house?
WarmakerT: Also, who the fuck doesn't take a bath if they had sex?
[deleted]: Smell my finger.
A_Woket: Itz only smellz
ebfe_nop: ^ Lol Efukt army.
Shez virgin, really virgin for me.
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1403898379 | 1403974112 | t3_299lxn | t5_2to41 | 181 | CoolCatHobbes: TIFU by sleep walking into my girlfriend's roommates room.
I really don't know what to feel. Nothing has every really happened like this before. I was spending the night at my girlfriends house, in the middle of the night, got out of bed, walked down the hallway, and into her roommates room. I have no recollection of this, but when I came to, it was to her roommates voice saying something to the effect of "Excuse me? What are you doing?!" I was really confused, and when I sort of realized where I was I think I said I'm so sorry and bolted out the door. When I got back to my girlfriends bed it was such a blur, and I didn't know if it was a dream or not. I woke her up and asked her if I left her room, and her reply was, no I don't think you did. So I passed out, woke up today, and went to work. I hadn't even remembered that happened until my girlfriend called me. Her roommate is pissed (as I suppose she should be) and I feel totally awful about it. I really don't know what to do or say about it other than I am terribly sorry. On a side note, when I walked into her bedroom, I was fully clothed luckily. However, this is a fairly new relationship, and I think I may have just destroyed it while sleeping. Just got a text from my girlfriend, saying her roommate is upset and wants to talk to her face to face about it. This really sucks. I really liked this girl. I don't know wtf to think.
Update: The roommate is not very understanding. She thought I did this on purpose (what?!) and doesn't feel comfortable with me there at night. Said she feels terrified. Honestly, that hurts. I've always been a loyal friend, great partner, and lover of life. I would never purposefully intrude on anyone's privacy. I do feel bad this happened, but nothing I can do about it and am putting it behind me. The girlfriend believes me, she knows who I am. It is unfortunate, so we shall see how this unfolds over the next month or two...
jennyMcbarfy: Just talk to her face to face, fuck
CoolCatHobbes: I would like to, but I think the roommate is too upset and too uncomfortable to see me right now.
jennyMcbarfy: Does she know you were sleep walking
CoolCatHobbes: I honestly don't know what she thinks. I get to work at 7am, and when I woke up this morning, I forgot all about it. Wasn't until just a few hours ago that my girlfriend called me asking me questions about it. I think she believes me, and I 100% was not trying to creep on her, definitely not who I am. I am hoping that when they talk she understands my side of it. But I can definitely see her side of it, 3 in the morning, her roommates boyfriend walks into her room unannounced... I can only imagine what she thinks I was doing in there.
Gungnir5: Do you have a history of sleepwalking? It sounds like an honest mistake. I don't know how old you are; maybe the roommate has led a sheltered life, but apologizing and asking her if there is anything you can do to make her more comfortable w having you in her home should help. You might want to try telling both women that it's important to you that the roommate be "ok" w you sleeping over bc you really like ur gf, and want things to work out well w all parties involved.
Everyone has a right to feel safe in their home. Maybe offer to install a lock on the roommate's door? Not that she would need it bc you wouldn't harm her.
Just be frank, honest, earnest and patient.
Not to make light of your predicament, but it's really not a big deal--mistakes happen. If you've lived in any kind of communal situation, I can guarantee you that this happens regularly.
CoolCatHobbes: I don't really have much of a history with sleep walking other than falling asleep in my bed and waking up on the couch and not remembering going to the couch in the middle of the night. I do thank you for your advice; I am 27 and so is her roommate. I don't really know anything about the roommate's past, and I do hope she doesn't make a big deal out of this. It's such a strange feeling though, and I feel like I violated her privacy, even if it was just sleep walking. I mean, I can tell her it won't happen again, but I'm sure in the back of everyone's minds they including mine, I can't say it won't happen again for sure. She does have a lock on her door, and I would hate if she felt like she needed to lock it if I stayed the night. I have lived in communal situations before and never barged into anyone's room in the middle of the night like this before. I'm really glad that I woke her up and she yelled something at me though. There is a good chance if she hadn't woken, I may have tried to go back to bed in her bed. Holy shit would that have been awful.
Gungnir5: You seem sweet, and hopefully it shows in real life too. You can encourage her to use her lock so that no further accidents occur. It's not a reflection on you as a person. It's just practical.
If you've lived with other people before, then I'm sure somewhere along the way someone has barges into your room for whatever reason: mom comes in to put away your laundry; siblings have no regard for privacy; roommates stumble in drunk; drunk friends think your room is the bathroom; kids think your room is the batcave; hotel service double book a room etc etc.
While aggrevating, not malicious. So, if she uses her lock, it's just practical for both her peace of mind, and yours. There is such a thing as an honest mistake in this world, IMO.
As for "violating her privacy"...if OP apologizes? Buys her a bouquet of tulips? It doesn't seem like an egregious wrong, so there should be a remedy, IMO.
Good luck! It can't be *that* bad :)
CoolCatHobbes: Thank you, maybe I will buy her some tulips. Honest mistake, yes, shady embarrassment, even more so.
Username__Irrelevant: Buy your girlfriends roommate a lock for her door.
| 10 | 18.1 | |
1403899974 | 1403940565 | t3_299og4 | t5_2to41 | 120 | clbro: TIFU grilled cheese
When I got back from class today, I decided that making a grilled cheese would be a great idea for lunch. I was in a bit of a hurry, so I cranked the stove up to high, and decided that not using butter would be quicker. I put the sandwich in the pan, and placed a (plastic) spatula on the edge.
I went upstairs to get ready for work, and as I'm changing, the smoke alarm starts going off... my housemates (who I don't know very well since I just moved into this place) start yelling, and I run downstairs to see I've melted the spatula, and burned the sandwich, as the whole kitchen starts to fill with smoke.
Once my housemates figured out what was happening, they thought it was pretty damn funny, and now I'll probably never hear the end of things considering I fucked up making just about the easiest sandwich you can make.
ronburgundy4prez: They're going to grill you about this cheesy situation for the rest of your stay.
Sobek-Ra: I'd say his chances of making a good initial impression on his new roommates just went up in smoke.
[deleted]: SMOKE.
TheSnowmang: not now Jerry
| 5 | 24 | |
1403896571 | 1403913654 | t3_299ixm | t5_2to41 | 16 | mmiller1188: TIFU by letting a client's employee walk out with sensitive information
(Not quite today, but thought it would be a good story for those who work in IT).
The company for which I worked at the time provided IT services to small businesses around the area. Desktop support, directory services, print services, networking.
There were probably 25 total clients and 200 employees for the clients. The businesses ranged from small medical facilities, small manufacturing operations and lawyers offices.
At one of the law offices , it was pretty common for us to make backups of emails, case files, etc by burning them to DVD.
Their internal process was:
- All emails for an associated case were saved in one Outlook folder (separate PST)
- All files, photos, etc would be saved on the network with a case file.
- Every month or so, the PSTs (of all who were working on this) and the files would be backed up to DVD and moved off site.
Probably not the best backup plan, but it worked well enough for the small organization of maybe 25 people.
Usually, I would be asked to help (by either my boss or the company's liaison) to assist someone with making the backup the first time. After that, it would be their responsibility.
So, one day, I happened to be at that office working on a virus removal. The Liaison stopped by and asked me if I could help Mr YYY make a backup of outlook to PST and DVD.
It was about that time of the month for them to start making backups. Also, it was not uncommon for people to forget how to make the backups.
I stop up and show him real quick how to make the backup of his outlook folders and leave.
Later that day, I get an angry call from my boss asking me to explain why I made a backup for an employee that was on his last day - allowing him to walk with some of their most important case files.
Nearly got fired over that. Apparently doing as I'm told by the person who is supposed to be telling me isn't always the greatest idea ...
TheTrumpist: I wouldn't say you fucked up here, this is where clients need to have an IT contact and any work requests go through them.
Source - I work in IT.
mmiller1188: The IT contact is the one who asked me to do so.
I still work in IT, just for a different company
TheTrumpist: My bad, didn't read the liaison part.
I kind of would of expected your boss to go in to bat for you here, nothing worse than being thrown under the bus because your boss either doesn't trust your account of what happened or is too scared to stand up to a client.
| 4 | 4 | |
1403901927 | 1403904343 | t3_299rps | t5_2to41 | 210 | throwaway69s23: TIFU by putting on my retainer
Yesterday, it was late at night, I just got wrapped up watching a movie in bed around 4 AM and decided it was time to go to bed. I popped in my retainer, which I don't keep in my case but on the nightstand next to me, right in. I notice it feels weird but I am too tired to inspect it and assume that it's just because I haven't worn it for a few days, so it was naturally tighter. I wake up in the morning, take off my retainer, go brush my teeth. When I look in the mirror, I see some disgusting looking matter on my front teeth. I went to go inspect my retainer, and there was a squashed up baby cockroach in it, most of it being right on the front teeth. I really don't know how it didn't fall when i was picking it up but holy shit I am keeping it in my retainer case. I don't know what to with my life anymore
tl;dr I put on my retainer which had a cockroach on it and squished it in the retainer when putting it on.
AnnaBalena: I am beyond horrified
mythrowawayresponse: **what'd it taste like?**
| 3 | 70 | |
1403904779 | 1404044535 | t3_299w7h | t5_2to41 | 25 | RetiredSexSlave3: TIFU by gossiping with a co-worker
Hi, lurked here for a while, and while my story isn't as magnificent as many of your stories, for my very bland life this was a very terrifying experience.
I work in a grocery store, in the dairy department, in the 2:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. shift.
One girl, "K", has started working stocking the beer aisle (aisle 1, very far from the dairy dept.). She's a solid 8/10, track athlete, great bod, daughter of the produce dept. manager, who is extremely close to the owner/front end manager.
This morning my coworker "J" and I are talking...
J tells me about a hot new gal in deli.
I say: "Nah she's nowhere near as hot as (manager)'s daughter K man..."
J: "Who's that???"
I go on to detail all about her, good bro on bro talk; nothing held back, more than a little vulgar, describe "aw bro I'd tear that shit up"
J: "Ohhh she's the girl who's working aisle 8 this morning right?"
I literally don't have to take a step to look down aisle 8, just lean over and see the girl is standing about 10 feet from me.
WTF SHE ALWAYS IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORE FROM ME.
Thankfully, she didn't acknowledge my speech at the time, but gave me the WORST look I have ever received in my entire life when she walked by me when I was on a smoke break at 9...
TLDR: Horny dipshit (moi) goes on sex-crazed speech about girl who was standing behind him the whole time, and she's the daughter of the guy that could make my life in a small-town New England grocery store worse than it is :(
Edit 1: slightly incoherent phrasing. alcohol abuse ftw
RetiredSexSlave3: It may not sound like a crazy story, it's just that I live in a verrrrry small New England town and the dept. managers talk and gossip like nothing else (my buddy/coworker once was sighted wandering the streets at closing hour and was the talk of the store for a full damn month)
[deleted]: Which town?
RetiredSexSlave3: For the privacy of the girl I'd rather not say hahahaha I will say Southwestern Connecticut though so right on the edge.
You from New England?
Malamutewhisperer: hmmmm, Stamford/Greenwich ain't small...I worked as a mover in that area. hahaha
RetiredSexSlave3: nice! I'm in Fairfield county! It's pretty small compared to the city man
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1403896811 | 1403915147 | t3_299jc0 | t5_2to41 | 13 | homesousvide: TIFU by drawing my boss at work
Thermohaline: No offense, but you draw like old people fuck
PartTimeBarbarian: Post removed, wanna let me know what happened?
Thermohaline: What are we talking about here?
PartTimeBarbarian: The post. It was removed. Can you tell me what it was about?
Thermohaline: It was about this dude that painted his boss like one of his french girls.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1403908994 | 1403912197 | t3_29a2h5 | t5_2to41 | 10 | rice-bomb: TIFU by wearing my socks
BigLou101: It didn't feel crunchy putting it on?
rice-bomb: It was 5 in the morning and I personally could have given more shits about my dick falling off.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1403911122 | 1403936369 | t3_29a5ga | t5_2to41 | 31 | NinjaPuker: TIFU by being unable to turn on a green light and being stuck on the pedestrian crossing while a blond man was walking
Title is pretty explicative.
I was trying to turn left on a green light so I had crept forward, right on the pedestrian crossing and unusually dense oncoming traffic prevented me from turning.
While I was waiting for the light to turn again, a 55-ish old man bumped in my side door. He then turned and bumbed in my mirror, sidestepped it and bumped in the car's front bumper before finally going around.
I thought all the while that he was drunk, because he kept mumbling to himself and just looking forward, like if he were in trance.
I realised he wasn't either when I saw his white cane.
And I bet everybody at the intersection saw him too. I'm sorry sir.
porcia918: This is a Tifu within a Tifu.
Baltusrol: OP can help it, he's bland.
Baltusrol: *can't.
redoverture: *blond
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1403910296 | 1403912286 | t3_29a4an | t5_2to41 | 48 | tifu_throwawayshit: TIFU by using Apple TV at work
So I use Air Play to present power points at work. I'm a recruiter so I often use a power point when running group interviews. At the end of the group interview, I have them fill out questionnaires and then meet with them one on one. While they fill them out, I usually browse reddit or check scores. Today, I got a iMessage text to my computer by a black friend of mine (I'm white). We often mess around and say stupid shit over text. He had asked if I was coming over to watch the game after work to which I responded, "I'll be CUMMING over for that tight bootyhole negro." I close out of the page and head back into the room to collect the questionnaires, and I realize I forgot to remove Air Play because my desktop is still on the screen, so the entire room (several black applicants btw) saw my conversation and now assume I'm a gay racist. I am currently waiting for a call from HR to see what the consequences are...
TL;DR gay racist gets fired from job for liking black bootyholes
IamChupacabra: Shit dude!!! Hope you didn't get fired.
mcandhp: > TL;DR gay racist gets fired from job for liking black bootyholes
IamChupacabra: Thx
| 4 | 12 | |
1403913809 | 1403933281 | t3_29a930 | t5_2to41 | 357 | dedalushasdumbideas: TIFU by putting Gucci up my butt.
I've been working out lately and I'm happy with where it's going. I'm really skinny so my legs finally look semi-appealing, but the camp I'm working at has a super strict dress code.
Anyway, I get back from work, and my mother's home with these fancy little perfume bottles she got for free after buying a purse. Normally I'm not a fan of perfume (scented moisturizer is good enough for me) but these are about an inch or so tall in various shapes, glass, and really pretty, so I grabbed two and took them off to my room.
I'm humming to this random love song and pulling on a pair of shorts and then I see my newly toned ass and a oval shaped Gucci bottle and I got the worst idea in the history of terrible ideas concocted by horny teenagers.
If it's any defense, I'm a virgin and I was curious until I realized IT FUCKING HURTS TO HAVE THINGS IN YOUR BUTT. I was actually biting on a pillow, trying not to scream. I tried to pull it out and the cap freaking came off, and I couldn't walk for a solid ten minutes. Somehow I pulled the shorts on and ran to the shower, where I managed to extract the stupid thing.
So now I smell weird. Fuck Gucci. My ass hurts =(
steezyvape: Please, let's avoid putting things made of glass into your orifices. While we're at it, let's not put things in that might disappear into orifices either.
Be safe. Avoid having to go to the ER with an embarrassing item inside you.
danzimm: So uh about those glass dildos
steezyvape: I'll stipulate, avoid using things that aren't DESIGNED for insertion.
Ever see that broken bottle ass guy gif? Yeah...
PNG-Master-Race: If you haven't seen this gif DO NOT look it up, it's horrible...
steezyvape: Hmm, thanks for the warning. Must have forgot that part. haha. But seriously, anyone that has seen it knows the dangers of inserting things that do not belong.
MyCreatedAccount: Thanks I made it two days with out that gig haunting me. Reset the clock!
steezyvape: Anytime!
| 8 | 44.625 | |
1403915495 | 1403982102 | t3_29abby | t5_2to41 | 21 | I_cant_english_good: Tifu by bringing my dog to city hall to show them he had no balls.
So my girlfriend gave me a task to register our dog now that we live in a different city. She laid out the paperwork for me and left to nursing school where she wouldn't have her phone. I am figuratively retarded and almost can't survive without her guidance. What makes today worse is that I was so drunk the night before I probably was still a little drunk or hung over which made doing anything kind of difficult for me.
So I first I drove to the wrong place. And there happens to be a shit ton of construction in all directions of my house. I went to the animal shelter and realized I was supposed to go to city hall. I drive back the other way through more construction and it took me just about 45 minutes to travel a total distance of 3.6 miles. (Just googled the distance and this is slower than my running pace)
So I arrive at my destination. Here at city hall and I realize the paper I have says if my pet is neutered, the fee will be less. I ask the person working how much cheaper it is and it was about 50 bucks so I hurried home to look for the certificate. Bye bye another 35 minutes to drive 3 miles.
Can't find the damn paper but I later found out I looked right at it. Probably even held it in my hand but couldn't tell what it was. Remember I am still hung the fuck over. I say fuck it. And brought my dog to city hall. Here goes another half hour of driving 3 miles.
So apparently when talking to the lady at city hall, I realized this is not what people are expected to do. You can't just show your dog's empty sack to them through the window to prove that he's neutered. She said something like they'd need the certificate or for a vet to look at him to verify he actually was because she's not qualified to tell that he's neutered. In my head I just figured out was simple to tell that his balls were gone.
I was pretty embarrassed about this and did not want to come back today.
I will just go tomorrow and hopefully it's not the same people working. This whole thing took a total of about 2 hours and 40 minutes of wasted time...
Tldr: couldn't find my certificate that shows my dog is neutered so I brought my dog to city hall to show he had no nuts.
smallpotatoes12: I refuse to register my dog.
the-real-raybeam: Why?
smallpotatoes12: I dont agree with having to pay money every year to own my dog. I dont see any benefits to it so I dont. I pay a tax on everything else, I dont want to pay a dog tax.
SnotfaceFart-pants: If your dog gets lost (and found) the tags make him easier to return to you....
smallpotatoes12: She never goes out without ableash but that's a valid point.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1403916018 | 1404025410 | t3_29ac05 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by poking in crazy. [Long]
Dear Reddit,
Today, I realized that I fucked up my life.
I have been dating a psychopath for several years now. I've known her for nine and she was the bread to my butter for my existence. We've both had bad lives and pretty much grew up together, supporting each other hand-in-hand while it was us against the world. We shared the same interests, but were opposites in personality. We used our differences to create, rather than destroy, and we were amazing together...
*Were*.
Fast forward a year. She gets a job, finally starts to grow up. We've been dating for 2 years. We've both had a lot of stress and are kind of loosing our minds. We keep supporting each other and all kinds of fun stuff. Our relationship is serious, but then things happen and she throws her affections to a guy *almost* twice her age. She meets this guy at her work and works close to her area.
A little background information about this guy that I will refer to as "G". G's a complete loser. Him and his wife are swingers because they can't really dedicate themselves to a committed relationship without doing the frickle-frackle with other people. G's wife is bored of him and is messing around on him outside of... swinging around? I don't understand. Whatever. He smokes weed and goes to weed festivals, but complains about having no money. Looks like a walking skeleton and is a compulsive liar that also groups people by a title and then hates them for it. G's 31 and is a manager at a truck stop that he's been working at for 13-14 years. See? Loser.
My ex is head-over-heels for this guy. I was a retard in not taking this as a warning in that my ex was nuts because I was trying to hold it together and do the right thing. I fucked up here pretty bad and this is very painful.
But don't worry Reddit. I'm a bigger loser than what you think!
So G and the ex are talking and the ex is fawning him. She steals his jacket from work and sleeps with it in the bed... while I am in the bed with her...! Me showing distress or jealousy apparently made me a shitty person! She kissed him (or so she says) multiple times and kept telling me in graphic detail about how she wants "things" done to her on the office desk. Later, I hear about how he apparently kissed her at work... and I just... wow. I think the stuff she tells me after this is made up because everything just gets worse from here and I've pretty much repressed most of the crazy until the day the shit hit the fan. Eventually, G moves on to another workplace. He gets a job at some dealership a town away. She has herself convinced that G loves her and is just hiding it from her and everyone else out of shame.
Schizophrenic alert here. Seriously. My ex is literally heartbroken that he is moving away and later confers with her "ghost husband". I guess some conversation she had with her "husband" said that she was possessed for a year and that she had not been acting out of her own accord.
Before I continue, I'm going to detail the "ghost husband". I'm going to call him "S". S is some kind of spirit that strangely resembles the [Green Man (art not mine)](http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs43/i/2009/078/a/6/The_Green_Man_by_InertiaK.jpg) from Wiccan faith. She had it set in her head that S married her before she died in what I guess is the spirit realm and that she is actually some all-powerful immortal spirit that is the child of Cthulhu and a Wood Nymph. They've been married for 14 billion years or something really stupid. It all sounds like bad fanfiction and she started coming up with this absurdity over the past year.
I'm a believer in reincarnation in a life after death... but this sounds like the workings of something that is 13, NOT 19.
So S is a bad guy. She breaks up with me after... I guess because S's actions are my fault. I'm kicked out of the house and move in with a friend. I attend a convention a month and a half later because I said I was going anyway.
Here, I really fuck up guys.
I started talking to her again at con. She seemed perfectly rational and on both feet. It was like someone flipped a switch and all of a sudden, she is acting like a normal human being. She's enjoying herself and not talking about other people like they're cattle. Me thinking that she's on anti-psychotics or something, me agrees to talk to her again like a human being.
Whoops.
She starts going on about S again. She tells me that S has been plotting again and that S made it so that her and I wouldn't last another four months. (Apparently we were dating again????) S is evil. She hates S. She tells me this while we're having breakfast after I got off work. (I work midnight to 8)
The next day, I have a fight with housemate over something stupid and I kinda stupidly spill my hyperbolized feelings and how angry I was into chat. I knew the whole fight was stupid and all but I felt bad and I kind of have bad depression that comes on sometimes.
My ex pastes chatlog to housemate.
Housemate nearly kicks me out.
Ex breaks up with me over a relationship I didn't restart, blocks me from Facebook, and proceeds to call me a horrible person while simultaneously asking why I'm always down about myself. According to her, I will be a loser the rest of my life and she will be looking down on me, with her being successful. I do not know why I find this so funny right now.
So remember... if you think you fucked up, just remember that you didn't try to make things right with someone that was *fucking nuts* and that you were not stuck with your emotions telling you that you loved who someone *was*, and felt insistent that said person was still in there. I literally tortured myself when I should've just told my emotions to fuck off. I feel horrible and stupid.
**TL;DR:** Person who was best friend became best lover until they all of a sudden became nuts. Ex tried to force a relationship on someone almost double her age that was a complete loser, then tried to blame it on an evil spirit... then tried to blame other failings on the same bad spirit. Then she calls me the horrible person and then has room to think of herself highly, somehow. Now I feel bad because I loved someone for who they were and I literally tortured myself thinking that they were still in there... underneath the schizophrenic.
Edit history: Wording for the literaltards.
Teotwawki69: >she throws her affections to a guy twice her age
>G's 31 and is a manager at a truck stop
So, wait -- the GF is 15?
Daenyrig: It's a less than 4 year difference between an exact half. He pretty much is double her age.
Teotwawki69: This doesn't answer the question, though. Would it be legal if he fucked her? And would it be legal if you did?
Daenyrig: > but this sounds like the workings of something that is 13, NOT 19.
> (I work midnight to 8)
That answers your question.
Teotwawki69: LOL. WUT?
| 6 | 1 | |
1403920413 | 1403979093 | t3_29ahdu | t5_2to41 | 99 | urajoke: TIFU by having sex on my period
Tonight my bf came over. I was off my period for a few hours, so I thought I was in the clear. Plus, as long as he wears a condom, he said he wouldn't mind a little blood bc it's not touching his dick anyways (he was wearing a condom). Well, things heat up and next thing you know blood is dripping. I mean dripping all over the place. He pulls out- the condom had ripped and his dick was **soaked** in blood. I frantically try to clean up the mess while blood is dripping down my leg.
After that, we cuddled for a little. After her left, I noticed it was my sisters pillow we had been using. And just my luck, it had dried blood all soaked into it. I have been trying to hard to get the blood stain out but it won't. She won't be back for 5 days so I guess I'll have to replace it by then.
*sigh*
tl;dr thought I was off period, had sex, monsoon period happens
TreatYoSelves: Get your sister a new pillow. I don't care if it comes out with hydrogen peroxide, I wouldn't want to put my face anywhere near your period blood and sex juices.
urajoke: That's the plan. I'm just going to replace it with a clean pillow and pray to whoever's above she doesn't notice...
Mugiwara04: If she does just say you borrowed it and spilled something on it (coffee or soup or whatever).
urajoke: Good idea. Thanks!
Mugiwara04: For additional excuses, you could also say you put it in the washing machine and that ruined it. I think some pillows can be machine washed but some get all weird and the filling clumps together, etc.
Anyway, better luck with you next sexy time :p
urajoke: we always have terrible luck with this stuff haha.
| 7 | 14.142857 | |
1403921077 | 1404002594 | t3_29ai7f | t5_2to41 | 121 | 6661984v: TIFU by freeballing in brand-new blue jeans.
Today me and my girlfriend went to the beach. They were having some great sales at the local surf shops so i bought some clothes. I bought a pair of dark blue jeans. I decided to wear them out of the store. Im not wearing any underwear. Me and my girlfriend walked around the beach for about 5 hours. I was really starting to sweat in the groin area. When we finally got home i went to shower and discovered that the jeans had dye my balls and ass and penis blue.
TLDT: i bought new dark blue jeans and wore them on a hot sweaty day leading to the jeans dying my balls, ass and penis blue.
WPBDoc: Who wears jeans to the beach????
6661984v: People who live by the beach and don't feel the need to wear shorts every time they go to the beach. You do have to wear flip-flops still though.
theeberk: IDK, I live right by the beach and I have never worn jeans there.
Lugubrious_luguber: Yeah, well youre stupid,and can go gargle OP's blue balls
theeberk: K
Lugubrious_luguber: JK! Calm down geez..
| 7 | 17.285714 | |
1403919782 | 1404001883 | t3_29aglq | t5_2to41 | 132 | InstantlyNew: TIFU by downloading adobe.
Finally got my new text book for my upcoming psych course. Like an excited child I immediately download it and started reading the preface and introduction sections. Immediately I am floored. I've been out of college for a decade and all this new information that's been learned since then is really exciting. And the textbook format seems really engaging. IT even has a website to further enhance your experience with interactive ....stuffs.
Before I create my own account I notice that there is an optimize button to make sure you have everything you need as far as plug ins and setting before you begin.
SO me being the almost smart person I am decided to download the adobe reader it told me I didn't have.
I click the download button and then immediately turn my attention to my book.
after a couple of minutes, i swivel over (in my swivly chair) and notice a pop up...I haphazardly click the adobe install prompt.
Moments later I hear WARNING WARNING AVAST HAS DETECTED A THREAT.
INSTANTLY I turn to look at the monitor and the words McAfee Has Successfully Installed!!!!!
I had been McAfee free for 2 years, 6 months, and 13 days.
Now I've relapsed and will probably have to seek professional help you get clean AGAIN.
Whatever you do. Teach your kids to unchecked the install McAfee box.
McAfee. Not Even Once.
EDIT: Holy crap. I wasn't expecting responses!!!...thanks GUYS!!!
NyanDerp: I feel your pain, I was halfway into a *huge* download (new computer) and I'd forgotten to uncheck it, realizing my mistake, I try to redownload it, another 30 minutes later and it's done, but it was a pain in my arse
[deleted]: You can't even uncheck it anymore. I installed flash yesterday and there wasn't any option to not install it. I had to install it, then manually uninstall it immediately afterwards.
Cley_Faye: Before the actual download, on adobe website, there's an option to get a shit^Wmcafee free version of flash. Just uncheck the thing (I've checked today, [the option is still present](http://i.imgur.com/Zn9UR1L.png).)
Stupid bundles are still one of the worst thing, and the reason I just go ahead and remove mcafee when it's installed on relatives computers (when they ask me to help, of course), but it's not a mandatory install.
[deleted]: Oh, so it's on the webpage now? Not in the installer itself? Bah. Fucking adobe.
Cley_Faye: Yup. People (even, you know, family and the like) learned to untick things during installation, so they stepped their game up.
> Fucking adobe.
This needed to be said.
| 6 | 22 | |
1403924420 | 1403960576 | t3_29amcp | t5_2to41 | 20 | OopsHistory: TIFU by deleting my history.
I was browsing YouTube, as usual, listening to my favorite songs. Unfortunately, after a while, I forgot I wasn't in Incognito mode and logged into my email account. Realizing what I had done, I immediately clicked the button to clear all history so it wouldn't save my username. Well, big mistake there.
About an hour later my mom came into my room saying she needs to use the desktop, so I get up and a few minutes later she panics, asking me if I deleted the history. She apparently was trying to find a page that she was on earlier, so I told her about bookmarks. She kept on complaining and argued that accessing through the history is more efficient than making bookmarks because you get more context, blah blah blah. After that she gets angry and says, "Who clears their history?"
So I had to ramble about browser optimization, NSA Surveillance, and how we only have a 50 GB hard drive.
DasHeadCrapHGN: Who the fuck can afford a computer but can only afford a 50GB hard drive?
[deleted]: Seconded , come on people , it is 2014 , even a 7 year old core 2 duo is enough for most people. How are you all still sharing a single computer with a 50 gb hard drive.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1403926408 | 1403994829 | t3_29aot1 | t5_2to41 | 87 | AButterChurningPoint: TIFU by babysitting (Warning: Pretty Gross)
Ok, I'm new to reddit and this was about 15 years ago.
I was only 9 years old, and I wasn't allowed to watch TV alot, so I didn't know the more ratchet parts of babies. I always knew about babies, and loved them, they just seemed so cute in the pictures I saw of me as a baby. So when my mom's friend needed her one year old child babysat for a whole day I jumped on the position, much to the wut of my mom. And so begins the actual story. I started by waiting on their couch watching Nick and waiting for the baby to wake up, and all of a sudden, I hear crying/giggling from the baby's room. He's awake now! I start thinking of all the wonderful stuff were going to do, like play with bubbles and watch cartoons and then it hits me like a bus. Oh my god, what the fuck is that awful smell? Me, not knowing what it is continues thinking, ignoring the smell. Five minutes later, the baby starts bawling it's eyes out and I try to find out what's wrong. I remember one time my hair started stinking because I got swampy mud in it once, and I just took a bath and got the stench out (9 year old me wasn't the smartest person) so I got the baby undressed and held one arm under it and one arm around its chest, and as I put him in the bath the stench gets worse. And then I realized I forgot a towel. So I go get the towel and come back.. OMGWTFSHITEVERYWHERE. It was everywhere, I had some on my arm so I go and get the baby wipes and unknowingly use the last one to clean my arm off. The bathtub and baby's ass is completely covered in shit and I know that water may hurt it (logic of a 9 year old) and that regular wipes dont say baby on them so those might hurt it also. (-_-) So nine year old me gets that towel and starts wiping everything with it, DRY. The baby starts giggling as I'm wiping foul-ass cream from it's bowels and the bath, and then the stench hits me again, and I gag, then gag, gag again, and then vomit. It got right next to the baby and then he starts playing in it. -_- After cleaning it up I spend the whole day regretting my decision and trying to get the shit stench away from the bathroom, only to remember an hour later that his night diaper was on the fucking counter for an hour and it fermented. Sigh.
sandman12456: Who let's a 9 year old take care of a baby?
always_reading: Seriously. A 9 year old still needs a babysitter herself, never mind being put in charge of a baby. As I was reading the part about giving the baby a bath and leaving him alone to get a towel, I thought it was going to end tragically.
AButterChurningPoint: You're right. But I'm not a woman. How did I not know about changing diapers when I was like 9?
the-real-raybeam: > But I'm not a woman.
What does that have to do with anything?
Username__Irrelevant: > A 9 year old still needs a babysitter herself.
the-real-raybeam: Oh... Thanks for that.
| 7 | 12.428571 | |
1403926672 | 1403929264 | t3_29ap3b | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: tifu by having my period at my dad's house and bleeding all over the bed sheets
The title pretty much says it all. I don't know what to do. It wasn't a lot of blood though. Any suggestions on how to get the stain out?
WaylandC: Hydrogen peroxide.
penguinsstealsanity: ^This. I once had a neighbor who cut his hand open when he accidentally broke a glass tabletop. Used hydrogen peroxide on the white towel I gave him to staunch the bleeding, and it pretty much all came out.
[deleted]: Thanks!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403927870 | 1404065980 | t3_29aqdg | t5_2to41 | 17 | DudeUncoolBro: TIFU by rat-tailing the 8/10 waitress with a towel.
I work in a small chain resturaunt in a small city in Indiana. I have been working there for a couple months so I know what I'm doing around the place and I'm not phased by the usual shit that goes down in the service industry. I had just finished cleaning off a series of tables when I went back into the kitchen to get a new towel for some more tables. As I was walking back out to the resturaunt floor, I was waving a towel back and forth while walking and the towel whipped around a smacked my 8/10 coworker with a satisfying (and horrifying) sound in the ass. She made a "Oh!" noise and I kept walking and started to clean off the bar and I glanced out of the corner of my eye with her staring me down and saying something to one of the cooks. I clocked out about an hour or 2 later after what seemed like a lifetime of awkward moments when I passed her and didn't make eye contact. I think she thought it was a mistake but I'm not so sure.
Tl;Dr May have sexually harassed the 8/10 waitress with a towel.
penguinsstealsanity: Yeah, that's sexual harassment. I'd advise against doing that again. You might want to consider apologizing.
Username__Irrelevant: How is it sexual harassment? It was an accident.
soitshallbe: If that's the case he should say "I think she knows it was a mistake" not "I think she thought it was a mistake."
Username__Irrelevant: I agree.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1403925121 | 1403942682 | t3_29an7a | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a joke about retarded people.
Tonight I looked at my nephew and said, "hey buddy, you know what's better than getting first place at the special Olympics? Not being retarded." I forgot that one of our friends was over tonight who volunteers for it. Dead silence. I felt terrible.
MyNameIsSkittles: Rude joke aside, it's not even funny. Wtf dude. Grow up.
mrmcmaine: It's actually pretty funny, relax.
MyNameIsSkittles: Not really no. It's stupid.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1403928902 | 1403929420 | t3_29ark6 | t5_2to41 | 78 | LeChubster: TIFU by making a joke.
Background. I worked in food service at an amusement park.
One day while working the ice cream stand, a new employee came in for training. After showing him how to properly make an ice cream an order came in for a vanilla with rainbow sprinkles. I asked the new guy to make it. He says " I just have one question, which one are the rainbow sprinkles?". Thinking that he was being sarcastic and funny, I replied "Those really dark brown ones over there" (pointing at the jimmies). He then says "No man seriously, I'm colorblind." He didn't find my sarcasm funny at all, and the next few hours were pretty awkward.
Edit:Spelling
irocgts: If that guy was colorblind he should have said it while asking which ones were rainbow.
LeChubster: Yeah this is definitely true, I felt like I was baited into looking like a douche.
| 3 | 26 |
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