start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1348523867 | 1348590603 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting out a massive fart on the my first day of my new job
It was right at the beginning. I ate a lot yesterday and it came out. I tried to hide out and do it but it wasn't far enough away. My boss and co worker heard it. Damnit.
Kellen1337: step brothers lol
[deleted]: Never seen it lol
gargerensis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AMgagxCvZQ
[deleted]: HAH! "Did you just fart?" "I don't know........." LOL
MrGoldenVoice: I can taste it. On my tongue.
Okay, I'll be honest with you, I did fart.
Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup.
It stinks. And this is a small room.
Shit.
Okay now the tuxedos seem kinda fucked up.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1348538740 | 1348559521 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | InexplicableReasons: TIFU Had an emotional melt down to a girl I knew for 4 weeks max via fb. Discovered I have low self esteem.
Went out with a girl, turns out she didn't want to continue dating past date #3
So naturally I pushed and prodded. I got the "You are making me uncomfortable" and then it struggled from there for a week until I...
All via fb, one morning at 5am after being awake all night I wrote out a massive 1000 word fucking essay blaming her about cutting it short. In a nutshell. Told her its impossible to be friends after she flirted about sex.
Really nice and beautiful person...who didn't need or deserve any of my shit.
Who the fuck types out 1000 word fb message yelling at a girl?
Then I texted her 3 days later, today. Explaining I'm sorry and in the future, like a month, we could talk over coffee.
Response?
"Please don't contact again."
Fair enough, I won't. I'm a total fuck up.
[deleted]: Thats rough.
You got to work on that brain to finger tip filter. Was there alcohol involved?
InexplicableReasons: Sadly no...totally sober.
[deleted]: Ahh drunk on emotions. These things happen, man. Chin up and learn from your mistakes.
I have a feeling you and I are probably alike in a lot of ways. Don't beat yourself up over it. I know people who would write twice as much and make it full of absolutely horrid/abusive stuff and laugh about it after. You feel remorse. You're a good dude.
InexplicableReasons: It's just just total classic bullshit. A first for me, I didn't know how to handle it and completely shut down.
Glad I learned though.
[deleted]: The thing about women is...
| 6 | 9.166667 | |
1348540204 | 1348570207 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | ElGenioMalvado: TIFU by buying a pack of cigarettes for the first time in almost a month.
there was no great moment of stress or anything.. i just really wanted it.. it felt so natural.
cellophane off completely, remove that annoying foil cover, tap tap on lighter, smell it, light it, deep inhale.. OMG IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!
i fucked up big time.. i want to stop.. i was doing great.. and now i have 19 of those little fuckers sitting outside in my car for when i get off work.. ugh. yep.. Day 1 starts again tomorrow/tonight
circaskater411vm: And here I am browsing Reddit while smoking a cigar.
Why did you stop? Health reasons? Family?
ElGenioMalvado: had very good friend pass away.. kind of shocked me and made rethink some things. dont want to cut short the time i have.
[deleted]: Advice: Dump them in the sink. Tomorrow ISN'T Day 1 - move past it. Just know that even though you faltered, you can get back up.
ElGenioMalvado: http://i.imgur.com/hNQQj.jpg
thanks wo/man ... you're right. i f'd up I didnt ruin a month of not caring.. another day. ^TMUV!
[deleted]: Awesome man. I'm sure you'll do it.
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1348576782 | 1348612227 | null | t5_2to41 | -5 | 2_feet_too_tall: TIFU by telling my class "I hate Obama" on the second day of school.
My teacher wanted us to write down several "interesting facts about ourselves". Not knowing it was going to be used to meet new people, I wrote down my displeasure for Obama. A rather "ghetto" african american girl started cussing me out and threatened to kill me.
[deleted]: **SCREW OBAMA** Come at me liberals! You're not alone OP. It's so stupid to think if you do not vote for Obama, you're racist. Hell, you're already getting downvoted.
wheresmyhouse: I remember when I was in High School, we had a mock election in our U.S. history class. Out of a class of 30, I was the only one that voted for John Kerry. The guy sitting next to me said aloud that he would kick the shit out of whoever cast that vote.
| 3 | -1.666667 | |
1348592685 | 1348634330 | null | t5_2to41 | 394 | FlyingMonkey420: TIFU by thinking that my court was at 1 pm when it was at 8 am, now I think i am waiting to be arrested
The worst part is it's over a dumb driving charge. Now is looking like I might spend a few days in jail and lose my job that I got just 2 days ago
[UPDATE] After a long day in jail I am finally home in bed I will re-update in the morning after some rest
[deleted]: Over reaction. People miss their court dates all the time. Go down there and get another court date. DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY ON A LAWYER LIKE ASSHOLE SUGGESTED UNLESS YOU"RE ALREADY GETTING A LAWYER FOR YOUR DRIVING CHARGE.
Total waste of money. Any time anything legal happen reddit shouts LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER. When it's not fucking necessary.
bmoriarty87: As someone who has been to traffic court too many times, listen to this man. I've missed court dates before, and I just rescheduled. Dont waste time with a lawyer, go down to the court asap. You wont get arrested.
[deleted]: I missed one too. I actually missed a criminal case and they put a bench warrant out for me. If you're at the court house saying here I am, I messed up/missed my bus/got a flat tire/forgot my date. They just re-schedule you.
romad20000: Holy shit criminal mistermeanor or felony? Were you on bond? You got lucky as shit on that one
[deleted]: Felony. I was out on bail. There's a difference between accidentally missing your date and just plain skipping and they know that. I forget why I missed it, think I just thought it was a different day. I went down to the warrant unit the same day, they lifted the warrant, then I saw the judge later in the day, he said don't let it happen again, and he set a new date. This was Philly BTW.
Edit: The warrant unit was packed with others in a similar situation as me. They did that ffor everyone except this one guy. I overheard the warrant cop say "I can't let you walk on this one," and they took him in.
romad20000: WOW!!in New Orleans you most likely would have caught another case for felony FTA. I had a friend get hemmed up for Felony FTA, because he missed the court date. Of course he missed it cause he was strung out on roxis and then lied to the judge and said he was clean (yeah hes a stupid fucker). So that might have something to do with it
[deleted]: Possibly, but i guess they're surprisingly lenient about that sort of thing up here. Our systems so jammed up as it is, could also have something to do with it. It helps that you take care if it right away and act like you care instead if showing up a few weeks later or even days too. I know if you happened to get picked up by a beat cop before you handled it, then you're fucked.
romad20000: Yeah I agree with that, we don't have nearly as many people so its easy to enforce those warrents most of the time. Hell I know guys with traffic warrents that have spent the weekend in jail. Yeah I can see how most judges are cool as long as you explain the situation, present yourself professionally, and DONT LIE. Like I said I could have just been my dumb fucking buddy, lying to a judge is a sure fire way to get your ass locked up.
[deleted]: Lol, definitely. You got to remember too, judges here that shit all day every day. Their bullshit detection meter is on overdrive. Do yourself a favor and don't lie to the judge. That just pisses them off.
| 10 | 39.4 | |
1348617283 | 1348640203 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting expelled for the second time.
I am a senior in high school and after my parents found out, they were devastated. It all happened so fast. I've never been this depressed before in my life. I've let many people down. Is my future over? please help me reddit
maraedits: Am I the only one who really wants to know how it happened?
the_real_corn: You're not alone here. Can you tell us, OP?
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1348613126 | 1348620238 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | malloryr: TIFU by accidentally dropping my toothbrush in the toilet.
Our cabinets are right above the toilet and I was taking my toothbrush out of my overnight bag and it fell out of my hand. Why, God, why.
moldar: Did you fish it out and use it?
malloryr: I doused it in rubbing alcohol and I almost did, but I chickened out and threw it away.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1348626605 | 1349054646 | null | t5_2to41 | 510 | adamandatium: TIFU by swearing over the intercom at work.
I work at a grocery store, and like most stores there's an intercom/phone system. One of the Pepsi/Coke stockers needed to find another employee, so I picked up the phone to page him.
"Employee, dial 1213. Employee, 1213."
The employee did not hear the page, so he sent a return message over the loudspeakers: "Repeat the page for Employee, please."
I repeated the message, and while the phone was still off the hook (and still in loudspeaker mode), the phone began to ring. I didn't know that I had to hang up the phone in order to answer the call, so I began to panic.
In my confusion, I blurted out: "**OH SHIT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THE PHONE**" Vaguely, in the distance, I heard my words echo over the entire store...
I went crimson. The stocker next to me was laughing so hard he was crying. I was shaking as I clicked the hang-up button and answered the call.
Thankfully, no customers complained about it (we're a relatively small store, we get lots of regulars and they know the employees personally) so I didn't get into trouble. But when I went up front every single cashier was laughing at me.
TL;DR: I became flustered over technology and ended up swearing over the loudspeaker systems at work.
EDIT: Oh shit, front page. Hahaha thank you for liking my tale of embarrassment.
Telamericorp_top_gun: When used to work at cvs me and my coworkers would see how swear words we could sneak into the announcements, the customers never even heard, they were just oblivious
Johnsu: Well to be fair, only old people are that gullible to pay those prices.
takishan: They sell cigarettes cheaper than the gas station usually.
Johnsu: Yeah, meanwhile selling 2 year old dvd's for $27.
ಠ\_ಠ
takishan: Yeah, I don't buy anything else there. Except maybe for the impulse candy bar or beef jerky or something.
Telamericorp_top_gun: You gotta check out the seasonal aisle. everything you don't need for only $1. Noise makers for your little kids to run around he store and ruin my day with to light up bouncy balls which magically knock down a whole row of shampoos!
| 7 | 72.857143 | |
1348633126 | 1348723415 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU my fucking toe [Gross description, don't read if queasy]
Long story short, I have an ingrown toenail on my right big toe, on the right side of it. It's swollen, leaks pus, and it hurts enough to make me shout out in agony every time I smack it on something. You know the saying "stuck out like a sore thumb"? Yeah, but my toe.
The reason this occurred is because I'm a nail-biter, but extreme. Meaning I'm flexible enough to shove my own foot in my mouth and bite the nails off. It's a fucking horrible habit and I fucking hate it, but I absentmindedly do it anyways (yes, even with my feet). As a result, my nails aren't cut "properly", and this happens on occasion.
I didn't want to take it to a doctor. My parents had to pay for it last time (opposite side of same toe, as a matter of fact), and I'm sure it was expensive. Plus, they had to load my toe with some numbing drug and it hurt going in, I could actually see my toe swelling while the plunger of the syringe went down, and on top of that, I actually had to watch the doctor cut the shit out. Fuck that.
So, this afternoon, I set aside a hot pot of water. I stuck my foot in it for about forty-five minutes, in order to get that pruny, super-soft texture in my skin. I pulled my foot out, determined it was soaked enough, and went to work.
I used a knife and a [core drill necklace from Gurren Lagann](http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c54/excellence154/IMG_1749.jpg) (fucked up, I know, but it's an excellent sharp object that isn't super-thin). I ripped off a lot of the skin, dug down in there, and found the chunk of nail that was the problem. I dug it out with the core drill, pinched it with my fingernails, and ripped it out. Pus started flowing immediately, followed by blood.
At this point, I'm relieved. I figured it was over. After an hour and a half of trying, it was finally fucking over. The only problem is, it still hurts. Not the same sharp, shocking pain that accompanied it before, but a dull aching. I'm sincerely hoping this is just that of the wound, and that it will eventually heal up and stop hurting. If it doesn't, then fuck that noise, off to the hospital I go. It'll probably get infected anyways, considering the means I used to remove it.
How can I prevent ingrown toenails from occurring, reddit? I hate them: unbelievable pain for such an insignificant and non-serious injury. I know I need to stop chewing my nails, and I'm sincerely going to quit on my toenails after tonight. But what else can I do? Does anybody have any advice?
**TL:DR; I ripped out an ingrown toenail using a knife and a core drill from Gurren Lagann. Never fucking again.**
goblan: > I'm flexible enough to shove my own foot in my mouth and bite the nails off
whatthefuck.mp3
aHarmlessTriceratops: You can't do that?
goblan: My point was that it's pretty weird to bite your toenails.
[deleted]: Hence why it's a bad habit. I fucking hate it, and I don't think I'll do it anymore after last night's experience. That was just so awful.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1348675131 | 1348771131 | null | t5_2to41 | 110 | pessimistdiary: TIFU by spending all my bill money to do things for my friends.
My phone, which I need for work, is about to be shut off. I can't afford to put gas in my car, buy groceries, or get the medicine I need for my (not immediately life threatening, but serious) illness, until pay day. Pay day is in a week. The people I regularly do things for are not people who are in the position to return the favors, thus I am completely alone here. I will certainly live; I'm just having a meltdown. Thanks for fucking up with me, Reddit.
assblood: Man you have to take care of yourself before taking care of others.
pessimistdiary: I know, man. Something I've always seemed to mess up at. Even better: I'm a 30 year old with two jobs and a degree from one of the best Universities on the planet. More like a TLIFU: This Life, I fucked up. Thanks for listening.
kneeonball: Care to share which University and your degree? I'm just curious now.
pessimistdiary: Bachelor's in Psychology from Cornell.
FormicationIsEvil: Hmm, maybe it is time to sit yourself down and have a good session of reality therapy. Get your priorities in order and all that.
Maybe you should check out this guy. He has a radio show and gives pretty harsh, but accurate, advice.
For future reference food and shelter for you come first.
Edit: forgot the link: [Dave Ramsey](http://www.daveramsey.com/home/)
pessimistdiary: Or maybe even actual therapy, eh? I'm starting to wonder if maybe.
drewapicture: Do it do it do it do it! Therapy is great. I've found using the IFS model to be AMAZING.
| 8 | 13.75 | |
1348675803 | 1348706553 | null | t5_2to41 | 853 | DevilWorshipper: TIFU: I forgot how to walk.
I'm an introvert and an alcoholic. I go most days without uttering a single word to anyone with the possible exception of "thank you" to the liquor store clerk. Thanks to a DUI, I have to walk everywhere I go. Usually, if I see someone on the street coming toward me I cross the street or do some other maneuver that allows me to avoid them.
Today, I was walking to the store and there was someone walking, toward me, on both sides of the street, so I made the strategic decision to maintain my path. As the person in my path got closer, I got nervous and, suddenly, my legs stopped working properly. My knees would not bend. My feet refused to lift off of the ground. My upper body lurched forward with no support and I fell down due to my feet and legs not functioning properly.
I tried to play it off that I tripped, but, when I got up, I **still** could not get my legs to work. The other person passed me without incident and I was, once again, alone in the street. It took a few seconds and a few wary baby steps, but, I soon learned how to walk again and made it to the store without falling down. And no, I was not drunk at the time. I just temporarily forgot how to walk.
Cannabisitis: You should stop drinking.
jbtk: Coming from "Cannabisitis"
I'm surprised to have not seen "You should stop drinking, and start smoking."
Cannabisitis: I retract my previous statement and submit that as my new one.
jbtk: Your new comment is accepted and seconded.
Its_An_Arms_Race: all in favor say aye
green072410: AYE BITCHES!
Johanasburg_Flowers: AYE YEI YEI
[deleted]: ALLAH ALLAH ALLAH ALL- Sorry it just came out
| 9 | 94.777778 | |
1348695107 | 1348755198 | null | t5_2to41 | 272 | KaiserInch: TIFU by being stupidly and profoundly racist.
I took my girlfriend to a pizza buffet, being the classy guy I am. It's swamped with loud black people, so I take this opportunity to let the stereotypes in my mind run wild. I wont try to justify it - I'm just a bitter person who can't see past my own small world.
Me and my girlfriend normally play a game as we leave restaurants; We buy gumballs and attempt to guess what color we're going to get. I reached in my pocket to do this, but we weren't able this time, because a large unattended group of black children were climbing all over and around the machine. In my frustration I say "Looks like we can't guess today, too damn many little monkeys are in the way."
We walk out of the restaurant and start to the car. The door flies open and this black guy walks out. "Hey! HEY MAN!" I turn around around and see this thug marching towards me. He's got the doo-rag on, a wife beater, and he's pulling up his sagging pants while he continues to walk to me.
I thought to myself "Guess he heard what I said and didn't like it." I was already in a foul mood, so I'm ready to escalate the situation. I start walking to him, mentally psyching myself for a fight.
Before I can say a word he holds a hand up to me. "Sir! You dropped your money inside!" I look at his hand to see a crumpled dollar bill. I had carelessly pulled it out of my pocket while trying to get change for the gumball machine. This completely shatters my mind. I had built up this elaborate structure of anger and hate, only to have it come crashing down around me because this guy went out of his way to be honest and show another human being compassion and kindness. He could have thought "Nobody will miss a dollar, mine now!" but didn't.
I was so taken about I couldn't even thank him properly. "That... that was real good of you, man. T..Thank you so much."
The only way I can relate how low I felt after this is to say I didn't even mind my girlfriend berating me and telling me about how that "goes to show you."
**TL;DR - My extremely racist comments and attitude were shoved in back in my face because of incredibly nice and honest black guy.**
Sutarmekeg: Is it racist to say monkey of black children? I say monkey to refer to children of any colour.
Octopus_Tetris: Yes, when the kids in question are black, that's racist. Just how it works, RTM.
Sutarmekeg: I say it of my own child too. I guess it depends where you live.
b3nz0r: In America it's definitely very racist to refer to any black person as a monkey/ape/gorilla etc.
Sutarmekeg: I'm Canadian and had no idea. I'll file that away for future reference.
SoInsightful: No offense, but surely you can't be fully unaware of this? It's not that it's an inherently racist term directed at one specific group, but it's hard to not interpret it as such if you're the recipient.
Very certain it's not specific to America.
Sutarmekeg: Call me ignorant, but I wasn't aware that black people more closely resemble monkeys than white people do.
Monkeys play, children play, that's that.
[deleted]: When Social Darwinism was a big thing, people theorized that races were the result of humans being higher or lower up the evolutionary tree. Whites were considered highly evolved, while blacks were considered the least evolved, i.e., the closest to our ancestors, which at the time people basically considered to be monkeys (we now know all of this is not true, but it was at the time).
That's where the racist idea of black people being like monkeys comes from. It's implying that they're less evolved than other humans just because of their skin color.
EDIT: And I'm sure there are people out there still on the Social Darwinism wagon (anyone who is a proponent of eugenics, for example, is), but I'm talking about the 19th century and the colonization of Africa.
Sutarmekeg: Oh, right, I forgot that you don't know about evolution in the states.
| 10 | 27.2 | |
1348578420 | 1348880979 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | I_Love_those: TIFU with hair removal cream
I got tired of shaving my nut sack, it is way too fiddly to do without the fear of God in you. So in my infinite wisdom I had decided to use body hair removal cream. I read the instructions thoroughly including the bit where it says not to use on intimate areas. But I'm a man and I know better.
Had a hot shower like it said to do before hand, creamed up. I had 3-4 mins to kill so I laid a towel down on a chair and caught up on Reddit. I set alarm so I didn't get to distracted and burn my balls.
*BEEP BEEP* Shower time.
I use the little scraper thingy and rinse of the rest like the instructions tell me too. I'm quite impressed no burning or irritation and things are looking quite good down there. Got to check this shit out in the mirror. I dry off and stand quite proudly in the mirror when I suddenly notice two large bald patches on my thighs perfectly framing my new smooth orbs. Not the greatest look
satansvagina: Picture or it didn't happen.
Pandumonium1: Coming from Satansvagina, I believe it wants your dick.
satansvagina: Hehehe. c;
All day, err'y day.
I_Love_those: ~~I ain't taking pictures of my cock~~
~~I'm not posting pics of my cock online~~
I'm not posting pics of my cock on reddit.
Just use my words as a warning, don't sit down with nuts full of hair removal cream
satansvagina: TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
I'm guessing it never happened then.
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1348702853 | 1348717033 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | cryss12: TIFU by hitting my dad's work van this morning.
I was in a rush this morning to get to my class, and backed out without thinking, my car was sort of at an angle and managed to hit my dad's van that is HUGE AND WHITE!! At first I thought there was no damage, I only inspected his car, but upon further notice when I arrived to school I noted my bumper is now loose and semihanging off.
Now I have no idea how to tell them.
Tl;dr don't give your 4'11" daughter an SUV, please.
brrrrip: It has mirrors. Big ones I would imagine. Learn to glance at them once in a while.
Don't blame anyone, just tell him what happened. calmly, not flippantly, but normally.
It's just a bumper cover. The bumper wouldn't come off. It'll be slightly expensive, but not terrible.(100s, not 1000s) Just tell him you messed up this morning...
brrrrip: We learn by making mistakes, be glad it was a smallish mistake.
Erikster: Is that a short joke?
brrrrip: not at all. very srsbsns
People don't learn by succeeding. There's no critical thinking involved if it just works.
It could be a lot worse.
Erikster: I know, just having fun with ya.
brrrrip: *very* short 'srsbsns' ;)
| 7 | 2 | |
1348709443 | 1349214088 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | lilbill952: TIFU: By saying Nigger with my one black friend around.
Now I have zero black friends
The_Warning: I'll sometimes say it ironically/in a joking way/when I stub my toe around my black friends. They don't give a fuck.
msbaltimore1: It's not true that they don't care. They still like you enough not to punch you in your motherfucking throat, asshole.
dehydratedpink: Because that's how reasonable people act
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1348715217 | 1348718708 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | pervertcollegekid: TIFU by insulting a stranger who turned out to be a classmate
Today, walking back from the dining hall, I saw a married professor talking to an attractive and much younger undergraduate student. From the way he was sitting, I stupidly assumed he was pulling some sort of shenanigan. I promptly made a post about it in my grade's facebook group.
I later learned through a good friend of her's (who'd I'd only recently met) that she was a classmate of mine (in my class of 250 kids) and that he had been her mentor for the past year.
TL;DR: I unknowingly insulted a classmate by assuming and insinuating she was flirting with a professor. I'm a jerk.
EDIT: a professor was flirting with her*.
gbromios: Good job, jerk. Maybe that'll teach you to keep your mouth shut before you know what's going on. Assuming you want to become less of a jerk, that is.
pervertcollegekid: yeah, you're right. since coming to school, i've forgotten to reserve judgement.
| 3 | 1 | |
1348721831 | 1348771533 | null | t5_2to41 | 306 | PhysicsIsMyMistress: TIFU at work because my kindle is an asshole
I was bored at work and my current task was boring. So I decided to try my kindle's text-to-voice. I put on my headphones and it played The Robots of Dawn by Isaac Asimov. Now everything was fine and dandy up until it reached the section where this woman explains how her robot sexually pleased her. In a bit of detail.
That was when the kindle decided to be an asshole and not register that my headphones were attached. Everyone nearby got to hear about the woman's first time with the robot.
....
cathestrophic: hahah so great!
Can you provide some of the said text?
RockstarMama12: Yes, please provide some text. I've gotta know what we're talking about exactlly here Haha
Magik-Waffle: For science, of course.
| 4 | 76.5 | |
1348723229 | 1348878495 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | goth_lover: TIFU by sleeping with a friend with a fiance
i've known the friend(and the fiance) for years. she was drunk(and i didn't realize HOW drunk), knew she was engaged, and still succumbed to her advances. kinda feel shitty, mainly cuz of the fact that i may have lost a friend, but the sex was so damn good that its kinda hard to actually regret what happened.
The_Shark101: Just know you're a horrible person, but the sex was good? ey? ey?
goth_lover: yeah, i've accepted that i'm a complete and total asshole. and yes, the sex was pretty much hours of uncontrollable lust and desire, so yeah...good is an understatement
The_Shark101: Lol never mind now I see that you're just a 12 year old xD
goth_lover: lol, yeah..........you caught me because obviously no one can have sex multiple times back to back in a span over an hour or two. i'm obviously 12, i'm sorry for trying to fool everybody......
honestly though, if you think i'm 12 for the fact that i said that i had sex for more than the 30 seconds that you last, its kinda pathetic
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1348718760 | 1348895507 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | RainbowYawn: TIFU by breaking up with the person I actually love.
Not really today, but the other day. I guess I just confused terrible timing to be in a relationship for falling out of love with someone.
I broke up with him on Friday, having had the absolute worst timing and worst method of doing so. It was a week after our second anniversary, and I intended to show him one more awesome day before proposing we take a break so I can find a full time job and make some money. Honestly, he didn't believe I only wanted a break, and I don't know why but I felt a little pressure inside to just break up with him, perhaps in hopes to try again at another point in my life.
He's infuriated, and I called him yesterday which was probably stupid and irrational but it was killing me wondering if he was ok. He said some terrible things, honestly a lot of them are true. He called me immature, said he could find someone better, and said my idea of a relationship is fucked up because of my situation with my parents. He said he would never consider taking me back until I made some changes that honestly I'm not sure I have the courage to make. At least not now.
Basically, Reddit, I fucked up, and now he can't forgive me, which has me devastated.
I'm sure he's partially hurt because the pain is so new, but I am so hurt thinking he has all these thoughts in his head that I'm a bad person who didn't care about him at all. None of those thing are true. He's one of the only people I cared about as much as I did, and I totally took him for granted. I didn't treat him right, and I did manipulate him whether I did it consciously or not. He bent over backwards for me, and I just sat and watched like a king on a parapet.
I'm such an ugly bitch, Reddit. I've wronged the person that only tried to do right and I'm stuck in a twisted void of regret.
Edit: spacing to make easier flow
Edit: I guess if anyone was interested, we've since spoken and he's forgiven me. We've left it off on a better foot, no promises and just see what the future holds, and meanwhile stay away from eachother til the pain subsides and we can try to be friends. He apologized for how angry he was, and he had every right to be angry, but some of the things he said touched on things I wasn't ready to face. I guess I didn't really fuck up, now we can grow up on our own and perhaps see where the road of life takes us when we're both more mature.
[deleted]: > It was a week after our second anniversary, and I intended to show him one more awesome day before proposing we take a break so I can find a full time job and make some money.
None of that makes sense.
RainbowYawn: structure wise or logically? I broke up with him a week after our 2nd anniversary. First bad choice. I wanted to spend the last day before deciding to break up with him/deciding to take a break having a great time and trying to make it a point that it wasn't because I didn't care about him. Totally backfired.
green072410: But...why? If you love someone & really want to be with them, then you don't give them a great day then break it off so you can't take care of shit. That's just horrible. That's like giving a steak to a hungry dog, then taking it away so you can go buy food for it.
A good relationship is also a partnership-working together to build a life. It's not cutting the other person out of your life, it's about being able to rely on each other.
RainbowYawn: thats why this is a "TIFU" post.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1348741726 | 1348779761 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too self absorbed
A month or so ago I was texting a female friend who i hadn't spoken to in a while. We started speaking more and more and getting closer and closer, helping each other out and stuff. About a week after she asked how my summer had been and I said not great as my girlfriend had broken up with me.
At this point all contact stopped and I was worried I'd upset her or she was no longer talking to me as she was ignoring my messages. About two weeks later when I was finally able to talk I was mad at how she had just ignored me after finding out I was single. She then told me her sister had broken her back and had to have surgery so she hadn't had time to text friends. It's been a little frosty for me since then, I want to see her to apologise and sort things out but as of yet I haven't been able to. (I did apologise immediately but I think I need to do it in person)
[deleted]: you weren't to know, this is on her.
crazyemerald: I disagree. He'd only been talking to her for a week and then she disappears for two? It sounds like he got a little attached and then got clingy and worried after 2 weeks. Yes, she could just be ignoring him, orrrrr perhaps something happened to take her out of contact for a while.
Lesson to be learned here: don't let your brain run wild with crazy theories, when something simple will suffice. And don't be clingy. Jesus, clingyness can be a major turnoff, even in friendships.
AlyoChem: You're completely right and it is something I need to work on. Trust me, lesson well learned
crazyemerald: If you learned the lesson, then the experience was worth it, no matter what the eventual outcome of this particular instance.
In case you're curious, I *do* practice what I preach. This was a hard lesson to learn myself, but sometimes you have to fail on your own in order to get it (I'm guilty of this a lot).
| 5 | 15 | |
1348763552 | 1348989354 | null | t5_2to41 | 389 | stupidfool2709: I've been fired, but was stupid enough to sign a paper that I wanted out myself
aka_tom: It´s an old trick Human Resources staff is trained to perform and, I believe, they also get rewarded for that. I was fired in 2010 after 3 1/2 years in the company. I thought this chick in HR was my friend, I cried (literally) for advice at her office, I told her I'd do what she told me 'cause I trusted her and I was really confused at that very moment and she.. well, she fuckin' killed me; made me sign the damn papers where I basically resigned. Those fuckers kept a bunch of money that could have helped me a lot then, while unemployed but they didn't give a shit, the chick in HR gets annual bonuses for 'saving' money to the company by making employees sign those papers.
There´s nothing you can do now, don't blame your self, I repeat: They are trained to do that. Learn from this, get back on your feet and continue with your life, just don't ever let that happen to you again. They will keep robbing employees, let Karma take care of them, is not your problem anymore.
Good luck.
SarahC: Ooops, meant for OP.
--------------
Things to remember in future:
HR is NOT your friend.
HR is there to protect the companies bottom line from **you**.
**Any** "friendly chat" with HR is a legally binding meeting.
HR receive direction for solicitors/lawyers for **every** communication/action they take with you.
**HR** will do ANYTHING they can do to save the company money, and have lawyers and solicitors on retainer to check if it's fairly "legal", and if they can get away with it. (like getting you to sign a waiver)
HR only get involved during **hiring and firing**... if your complaint is "escalated" above the managers (they work for the company, and **look after** managers interests), be very very careful how you tread, as **YOU** may be the easiest part of the problem to make go-away.
Again - If you're complaining **about** a manager and you're below them on the pole, it **WONT** end well for you.
Bottom line:
If you're spending time dealing with HR, **BE SAVING UP** for sudden loss of earnings... and treat EVERY contact with HR as a potential reason for being fired.
Worstdriver: Ya, I should have remembered this when my time came. 5 years ago now and blackballed. I'm reduced to literally shoveling shit to make ends meet.
g00dGrief: Literally? Also what was your job? If you don't mind me asking.
Worstdriver: I was a managing CSR for a major online company. Now? I clean alpaca and llama shit on a local farm. After I got fired no company would touch me. And the company was going out of their way to make sure I didn't get work again.
SarahC: What happened to be blackballed? What did they do to turn the thumb screws?
Worstdriver: Edit: Sorry for the wall o text. Guess I'm still a little bitter about it all....
Well, I will admit, part of it was my fault. My father was in the final downturn of battling heart disease and all I could think of was doing my best to help people. So, that's what I did. Here is exactly what happened that got my ass fired and balled.
Had a guy come on, wanted to talk to a supe or manager. I took it. Guy is bitching how eBay has pulled down his auctions everytime over the past month. He says all he gets when he writes into the T&S group are generic form letters. Nothing that explains *why* his auctions keep getting killed.
I take a look and by god, the guy is right. Several emails in from him, as is process, but nothing but generic "Your auction was removed to ensure the Trust and Safety of the eBay community". Not a single helpful detail. I tell the guy, "Look, I'm not on that team so I can't give you a definitive answer but I can have a look and maybe make an educated guess."
The guy is ecstatic.
I pull up his auctions. He is selling blue jeans and sure enough his auctions are getting pulled. After a few minutes of scouring I notice that the guy is using a photo of the jeans straight from the manufacturers sales book. "Okay," I tell the guy," This is a guess, but likely a good one." "Your auctions are likely getting pulled down because someone is making a copy-write claim on the *photo* in your auctions. Any copy-write claim is an automatic pull down. Take your own photo, put that in the auction and you should be good to go."
The guys thanks me for about 30 seconds and that's that.
Next day, I get hauled into THE bosses office and get informed I've potentially exposed the company to huge lawsuit because I was not trained in that particular area and I did not use pre-approved language from the legal team when I was speaking to the guy with the auctions. I told the boss, and the HR rep that was there, that I told the guy I wasn't on the team and I was only offering my personal, best guess. Not good enough. Things devolved from there and three days later, after going over recordings of every chat log and phone convo I had had at eBay I got canned, much like the OP.
3 weeks later, my Dad died in his sleep.
----------------------------------------------------
So, about a month after dealing with that hole in my heart, I start pounding the pavement again. I'm getting terrific interviews. I give a good interview. But afterwards silence. Echoing silence. Never happened to me before. After 9 months of this I have a buddy call up eBay as a potential employer to "check my employment history". They tell my buddy, and I quote, "We had to dismiss him for gross unprofessional conduct. And we can neither confirm nor deny improper behavior toward a fellow, female employee. We can confirm that he was employed by eBay during those dates though."
After WTF'ing at this I went to a labour lawyer. But apparently they were following the letter of the law at the time and they are based in another jurisdiction from where I lived. So, yah. That was the end of my career in customer service.
jaycarney: There is no way in hell that could possibly be legal now...
| 9 | 43.222222 | |
1348757481 | 1352080228 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | IronUniverse: TIFU by picking my nose and the booger fell into my coffee, and I didn't know till after I took a sip.
WhatsInAName39: I pick my nose and eat my boogers. On purpose.
IronUniverse: yeah but that's because your innately gross or you never got over the saltiness of your own nose.
CarlosIHernandez: >picks own nose
>calls someone innately gross
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1348772168 | 1348804014 | null | t5_2to41 | 127 | prussianiron: TIFU by getting blackout drunk and punching a girl
T(wo days ago)IFU by punching one of my close female friends in the eye.
Monday night me and some friends had some other dudes from our college over for drinks. At one point our friend (we'll call her Kate) came over, but this was after I had downed about 6 beers and around 7 shots of whiskey and vodka, and 3 cups of wine.
We continued to drink and have fun times, but around midnight I blacked out and I remember literally nothing past that until about 9am.
I woke up in a different room on the floor, with so much alcohol that I was not hung over, but still actually drunk (and stayed drunk until around noon). Upon talking to the few guys that were still there (the others had walked home), I was told that I had:
-Begun talking in a british accent
-Chugged a LOT of whiskey and vodka
-Smoked a couple cigars
-Drunk texted my girlfriend (who had to wake up at 530am) at 1 am and 2 am
-and, the one that nobody will let me live down, punched Kate in the eye.
Now, I am normally a very nonviolent person, especially towards women. After further investigation, she said it barely even hurt and it was more that my arm swung out when she tried to move me somewhere. Regardless, I am now forever labelled as a drunk woman puncher.
I'm gonna lay off the alcohol for a couple weeks.
EDIT: Since so many people are raging about it, I would like to reiterate that she was not hurt in any way, it was almost certainly an accidental arm-swinging (as the drunk are wont to do), I apologized profusely for it, and she actually laughed about it afterwards.
burlap_pterodactyl: Seriously, lay off the alcohol for a couple of **years**, that is profoundly fucked. Nothing funny about this story.
gifforc: so uh....that uh...that stick up your ass chafe any?
burlap_pterodactyl: Ha, I call it like I see it. Some people can drink, can even binge drink and be fine...but punching people? Seriously? Bad times, maybe it's the wrong drug for this person.
gifforc: Well if you read the post it sounds like he was probably just waving his arms around (as drunk folk are wont to do) and an arm hit her in the face.
Furthermore, if OP really did punch her in the face and she minimized the reality of it, she likely has a crush on OP, i just realized.
takishan: Or she just understood he was drunk and it was an accident. Women don't need to have crushes on people to be reasonable.
gifforc: what reasonable person would consider "it's ok you were drunk you punched me" an acceptable response?
I feel as though there is an ulterior motive. Of course, this is only in the event that he actually hauled off and punched her.
takishan: I've been known to act like an idiot when I've been drinking. I say things, I do stupid things. I regret them later. I'd expect somebody to forgive me, just like I'd forgive them for the same.
| 8 | 15.875 | |
1348780457 | 1349075603 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | elgatonoesbueno: TIFU my first day of work
So, I just turned 21 a month ago, and just got a job at a casino. Yesterday was my orientation and during this they said they are a "fun" company and during the month of October we're allowed to dress up. Never being allowed in a casino before I didn't know what the uniforms were except for what I work as and this is how I fucked up. So, I'm walking around seeing cocktail waitresses in skimpy outfits that sort of remind me of Columbia and Magenta from Rocky Horror, so I'm thinking they are just pumped for Halloween and dressed up. I went into the bathroom and another guy who is in the same type of uniform as me walks in and starts washing his hands as I am. Now, I look at this guy, he's a pretty dark black dude, but he has pink splotches on his face and it looks like shitty highschool theatre make up. I then, trying to be friendly and start a conversation say,"So, what are you trying to be a zombie or something?" He then looked at me and shouted, " NO, I HAVE BURNS ON MY FACE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" I then yelped saying, "I'MSOSORRYITHOUGHTYOUWEREDRESSINGUPFORHALLOWEEN" and proceeded to run out of the bathroom and avoided him for the rest of the fucking day. Turns out there's two managers in my department, he's the other.
[deleted]: Wow... you done goofed.
IFuckedAGoat: Dun*
| 3 | 20 | |
1348806181 | 1348855484 | null | t5_2to41 | 113 | swerrrve: TIFU Texted a message about my boss...to my boss...and HIS boss.
I work as a poker dealer at a racetrack/card club in Minnesota. My direct superior decides which tables I deal and when. I had just gone through two awful tables and the second one broke(all the players left meaning I would be sent to a new lineup). The spot he sent me was past the best tables in the room, meaning I wouldn't be going there. I took a smoke break and texted my wife(dealer in the same room). "Holy FUCK. Just got Kevin-ed. Hard." Instead, I sent it to the last "person" to text me, the manager's message board. (I receive messages about my shifts on my phone, and my responses go directly to all the managers in my department) I was immediately confronted by the Cardroom manager who happened to see it as soon as it was posted. He's trying to help me think of a cover-up story, but the message was seen by four other managers AND the HR department. Any advice that might save my exposed ass would be appreciated.
TLDR; Sent a text intended for my wife to the online message board at work. HELP!
Update: Back at work today. Started at 2. HR is closed and the Cardroom manager left for vacation. Seems I'll be sweating bullets until next week, at least.
MrSwanson2UMN: Running Aces?
LittlefootYeti: Or Canterbury Park?
swerrrve: No
| 4 | 28.25 | |
1348775988 | 1348933211 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | startover4: TIFU by going to get yogurt
Last night after work, approximately 9 PM I went to get yogurt. My friend works at a yogurt shop so I can get it for free, why not go get free yogurt I said to myself after work.
Anyways as I am pulling through the parking lot I look down to change the song on my phone. I look up and see a guy backing up. So I slowed down and honked my horn so he knew I was behind him...
Nope, I tried to speed past him and I accelerated right into a curb. I ended up popping both the tires on the right side of the vehicle. I forgot to mention I'm driving an Acura TL with performance tires and the car isn't mine, it's my parents car, and my parents are in London.
So my neighbor comes down to help me out after many calls, 9:30ish, and we try to get three different tires to fit - I had one spare but needed another. When its all said and done I got home at 11:00PM and looked up the tires online. Roughly $250 a piece and a $20 installation fee.
The kicker to this hole deal is I was going to buy my own first car on Saturday, and now I can't afford it.
TL;DR I spent $600 on free yogurt.
breitflyer: Well, did you get the yogurt?
startover4: Of course
darthelmo: So...score this as a win?
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1348839621 | 1348878326 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | rainonbird: TIFU when i lied to my touchy friend and she found out.
she is very touchy in the way that you dont want to be on her bad side. I lied to her by cancelling something to do something else with another friend and she found out. What do i do?? Ugh she pisses me off sometimes
dcb720: Apologize profusely, since lying is wrong? Maybe stop being her friend if you don't enjoy her company? But don't get mad at her for being upset when you lie to her. That's just you being too much of a coward to tell the truth.
rainonbird: i will. I do like MOST of her company its only that touchy side of her i dont like. If i apologize like that she will just ignore me and enjoy my grovelling.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1348841614 | 1348879259 | null | t5_2to41 | 799 | I_Already_Know_OK: TIFU I read her diary. While she loves me, she is not attracted to me AT ALL
I made it out of the friendzone and into the endzone with her. She is 36, a solid 8/10, funny, smart, and really my best friend. I am 39, 5/10 , and a balding ginger (think a 6 ft version of Powder).
When we first met, I asked her out, but she turned me down. We still really enjoyed hanging out, and became the closest of friends. She knew all my secrets, and I knew hers. I really was ok with being only her friend, but she was just so funny and cute, I couldn’t help but hold a small torch for her. It didn’t keep me from dating other people, as I just marked it up to “see you next lifetime.”
All the while, she was dating too. I would meet these built, tanned guys with full heads of hair she would date, and these were good looking guys. I’m not fat (6ft, 200lbs, 35 waist), but did not look like the guys she usually went out with. I figured she had a ‘type’, because we all do. She just happened to be my type, but I don’t have that kind of luck.
Until one day, I guess I did.
She invited me over, sat me down, and told me she had fallen for me. It didn’t take a lot of convincing to get me to admit my own feelings. Best of all, it wasn’t weird. It was an easy transition from BFF to BF.
…..Did I mention the sex? Mind blowing. Epic. Statues were erected (giggity) in our honor. Remember when I said I knew all her secrets? That included the one about the fact she had never had a vaginal orgasm from intercourse. She hadn’t, until now. Reddit, I walked, nay, I floated with pride at my sexual accomplishment. It was quite a boost for the guy who felt he had sealed the deal with the girl who was out of my league.
Now, on to my mistake…
We are 7 months into a great relationship. I was sleeping at her place in the afternoon. (Third shift daysleeper) She was out running errands. I knew she had a diary, and she had even mentioned in her initial statement of romantic interest that she had been pouring her heart into the diary in making her decision. The diary was in the nightstand drawer. I had always been curious about what she had written at that time, because I am an egomaniac and what is better than having other people talk about you?
The diary entry from that day had a lot of the same things that she said to me that day. The fact she did not want to ruin a great friendship, but wanted to take the chance since everything else about us worked. She told her diary that feelings had begun to emerge that she didn’t expect to feel about me.
Until this point, I am enjoying my playful violation of trust.
Then I read, “I love him, but I am just not attracted to him AT ALL”. AT ALL was written in ALL CAPS. It might have even been underlined.
My heart sunk. I love this girl. She is amazing. We never run out of conversation. She is amazingly clever. She is a sex god. I found my best friend and lover in the same person. She is beautiful, but she is not attracted to me physically.
I have decided that I am not going to bring this up, because it does start with a pretty outright violation of trust in reading her diary. I also don’t want to think that she is settling for me. She is amazing, and I want only the best for her. I just wanted to believe it was me.
Edit: First of all, thank you all. I needed some perspective.
Second, the entry I read was from three days before she told me how she felt. A few posters mentioned that her entry was, to paraphrase, a snapshot of how she felt that day. It may not be how she feels now. This is what I hope to be true.
Edit 2: Wow! I know know the irony of Throwaway Karma. Many Redditors have brought up working out, and making sure I am doing it not just because of her. My weight loss has always been for me and my health. The side effects have been great. I also have been dressing to better reflect my new body type. My girl had helped me with this even before we we dating.
I have also taken a lot of comfort in the idea many of you put forth that the diary was her unformed thoughts. I even thought about my own thoughts that would have changed from that time.
signed_proposal: Wow man, you found a hot sex goddess that is looking inside you rather than just at you? You're blessed. Don't worry about it. If she loves you, she loves you. I'm nothing to look and my ex-wife was a fat pig, but now I'm engaged to a fit blonde goddess even though I'm a solid 100 lbs overweight. She's had fit and attractive men in the past and now she wants the funny, caring, sweet guy. I can accept that. We get to win eventually.
-Peter: >She's had fit and attractive men in the past and now she wants the funny, caring, sweet guy.
> I'm a solid 100 lbs overweight.
I'm sorry, but do you also have lots of money?
Just teasing!
But seriously.
signed_proposal: Not remotely. I make less than she does by about 50%. I'm just charming as hell. I had nothing to lose when we started dating because I'd already been through the ringer. Knowing that, I had plenty of confidence because I figured "What the hell?" Being fat sucks in your teens and twenties, but by the time you're 30 and the first round of asshole husbands are out of the picture, it's possible to find gorgeous women who want a "real man" rather than just one that looks good.
sneakyrabbit: Interesting that you see your self as a"real man" at 100 lbs overweight and yet refer to your ex wife who apparently was also overweight as a "fat pig"
Kris-tee-ana: this.
FappingAsYouReadThis: This is probably the first time I've seen a comment that just says "this" upvoted.
| 7 | 114.142857 | |
1348860592 | 1348987764 | null | t5_2to41 | 968 | somethingcleverer: TIFU by pissing on my wife... Yeah
So yeah... I was at the bar last night with some out of town friends. We weren't very drunk, just middling. I had probably 4 or five beers and a couple of shots over a three hour period. I was drunk, but by no means loaded. My buddy offers me a Unisom (over the counter sleeping pill) on the way out of the bar, which I take, thinking I'll conk out when I'm home instead of staying up all night. Problem is, I black out on the walk home.
So I woke up this morning pantless, with no sheets on the bed. I immediately realize something is wrong. Then I see the carpet cleaner on the night stand and a picture starts to form in my mind. It isn't clear yet, but I know that its not going to be pretty. Then the texts from my wife come, and I realize, I'm a monster.
You see, what had happened was, my wife woke to the sound of me casually peeing on the bed as if it were the bathroom. She screamed at me, got up and pulled the sheets off the bed and put them in the wash, and in my fugue state I just smiled, got on her side of the bed, went back to sleep and accused her of peeing in the bed. I'm an ass hat and she should divorce me.
tl;dr Don't take Unisom
d_bo: >and she should divorce me
The logical conclusion of every relationship. Nah, I'm just messing. You'll be aight. Truth is, if she can get past this, y'all are golden.
green072410: Golden...lol
LookieOverThere: Yeah, just go with the flow...
Eilif: It doesn't sound like things have gone in the toilet yet.
RhymesWithEloquent: Really? I think it's a few cards short of a royal flush.
grimlockbacon: These puns are pissing me off
Gengar0: Honestly guys, these puns are a wee bit shallow.
[deleted]: Urine for some trouble when the rest of reddit finds out about these puns.
SpinachandSon: [This whole thread](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXYqv_FS9yk)
Kwibjo: Combo breaker.
| 11 | 88 | |
1348873173 | 1349145454 | null | t5_2to41 | 149 | LookieOverThere: TIFU by sleeping with my insane cheating ex
We've been on-off for the past 3 years and it's like a horrible addiction I can't break. I have this intense physical reaction whenever I see him and next thing I know we're in bed. The worst part is I'd been able to cut off communications for 3 months until I ran into him at Chipotle and fucked up. Fuck small cities :(
Now I'm having Day One jitters at cutting him off again, though managing (just barely)
My_Empty_Wallet: You should totally get over him by fucking some stranger you saw on reddit, one whose money carrying implements are sadly lacking, though he has a great sense of humor to make up for it, and nice blue eyes.
LookieOverThere: Why the hell not, I always insist on splitting checks anyway :) Also nice blue eyes, always a win.
My_Empty_Wallet: I'll pick you up in an hour. You can't miss me, I'll be the one in the weinermobile blasting *Highway To Hell*
LookieOverThere: Very good, please bring your furry suit.
My_Empty_Wallet: Which one?
LookieOverThere: Preferably one that comes with an attached pink dildo?
My_Empty_Wallet: I'll bring both then, shall I?
| 8 | 18.625 | |
1348867884 | 1348944379 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by not taking out the trash
I decided the other day that I was going to clean my entire apartment top to bottom, which includes throwing out things in the fridge that have gone bad. It was gross enough at the time to throw out old celery and cucumbers and whatnot, so I gave myself a break and left my garbage bags sitting in the kitchen area telling myself I'd take them down the next time I left the apartment for class or to go to the bank or whatever else. Each and every time I forgot and said "Eh, I'll do it next time!" Three days pass and I wake up to get a glass of water when I step on something sticky... Upon turning on a light did I realize my three day old trash had leaked out of the bag and all over the floor... My apartment still smells like shit hours after double-bagging the garbage, taking it out, and disinfecting everything...
LookieOverThere: Yep, this is about to happen to me- there are 4 garbage bags sitting in my hallway waiting to be taken out. Worse thing was the impromptu apartment inspection this morning. The lady literally walked in, said "Oh god the smell" then I saw her eyes widen to saucers as she took in the spotlessly clean apartment.
If a bleach solution isn't working (which is some serious shit right there) have you tried baking soda? Lemon peels? Straight up bleach and dishwasher liquid? (Caution: the bleach-Dawn combo causes fumes but cleans like a motherfucker. Wear gloves)
TXTMSGirlfriend: That's hilarious! Get that garbage out of there as soon as possible, though.
I don't have any bleach actually, but I'll try the baking soda. Thanks!
darthelmo: Make sure you don't combine bleach with anything, particularly ammonia. Unless, that is, you enjoy breathing chloramine gas and (potentially explosive) hydrazine. [Link]( http://chemistry.about.com/od/toxicchemicals/a/Mixing-Bleach-And-Ammonia.htm)
TXTMSGirlfriend: Holy smokes. That shit's serious. I definitely won't be doing that.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1348867046 | 1349110076 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | HDATZ: TIFU by making my friend look like he shit himself.
It rained last night, and I forgot to roll my car's driver side window up before I passed out. I gave my friend, who is also a co- worker and the person who put in a good word for me at our job a ride to work this morning, since our shifts started at the same time. I had no idea my passenger side seat was as wet as the driver's side. I was prepared for my jeans to get wet, but didn't think to warn my friend when I picked him up.
He gets out of the car when we get to work, and I almost immediately say: "god damn, dude! It looks like you had the hershey squirts big time!" He couldn't see, so I took the following photo with my phone to show him:
http://i.imgur.com/SLCN8.jpg
We wound up having to drive all the way home so he could change pants, and now I'm responsible for getting the stains out.
MoopMoopBOoooo: You should just throw those away. He shouldn't be wearing them anyway, they are hideous.
HDATZ: He's 400 pounds. It ain't like he's got a lot of options.
Dymobe: Exercise is one option.
Soupy21: Zing!
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1348881944 | 1348949650 | null | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: tifu by betting on a fart and lost.
Sitting in In n Out, feel a small fart coming on. Ended up being diarrhea. Had to sit in my boxers turned underwear for the meal.
Darkstrategy: I'm getting kind of tired how every other post in this subreddit is "LOL SHIT MY PANTS".
I don't even understand how it's possible unless you're plastered.
trouphaz: You've never heard of a shart?
Darkstrategy: As a joke, yes. Outside of Reddit I have never heard anyone say it in the literal sense.
FartLighter: It happens to me all the time! Sometimes you just don't know.
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1348912067 | 1349137660 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | i_am_sad: TIFU by taking my sock off at work, in a public bathroom.
I just got new shoes (yay) because my old Etnies were so worn thin from (years) of use that my feet hurt unbelievably. Like hot coals after having a criss cross pattern of deep gashes cut into my feet by the time I got off work, it was just terrible. So I get new shoes, and they're a bit tight, I'm noticing while at work. So after my lunch (I get an hour, didn't think about it until about 55 minutes in) I realize I'm going to need to do something about this. It's only my left foot, and only the smallest toe, so maybe I just need to adjust my sock or something. The only place I feel comfortable doing this is in the bathroom, and luckily there's a single-person bathroom with a changing station and all that so I can lock myself in, lean against the wall, and readjust my sock and all that.
It's locked, someone is in there, and I have about 4 minutes before I have to clock back in.
Fuck it, public stall. I close the door, sit down, and undo my left shoe, and then pluck my sock off and set it on the floor, because I'm stupid. I then continue to be stupid and set my foot on the floor, in too much pain and hurry to realize what I am doing. I notice the nail on my smallest toe is very long, and that's what's causing the discomfort. Luckily I have weak toenails, so I just reached down and plucked it off so it was normal sized, and then tossed the end in the toilet, put my sock and shoe back on, and went back to work.
I got home a few hours ago, and now that my socks and shoes are off, and I'm airing my feet out and enjoying the comfort of not having to work tomorrow, I notice my left foot is unbearably itchy. Like, If there was a fire, I'd stop trying to escape and scratch my foot instead kind of itchy.
I scrubbed it with soap and water on a coarse wash cloth for a good 10 minutes, and then scrubbed it some more to try and aleve the itch, to no avail. I hit it with an alcohol swab just to be safe, and am trying to ignore it. It's less intense but still itchy.
I think I contracted the AIDS, and am probably going to have to cut my foot off.
Or it could be unrelated, I tend to get rashes and such for no fucking reason from allergic reactions to coming in contact to literally nothing.
darthelmo: Could just be athlete's foot.
i_am_sad: Yeah I know, but I've never had it and imagine I managed to pick it up there.
MERIKA1: Sir, its sounds to me as if you need some TOUGH ACTIN' TINACTIN.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1348927424 | 1348992309 | null | t5_2to41 | 378 | schuppaloop: TIFU. I sprayed bear spray (very powerful mace) all over my room and got it in my mouth because I was curious about what it tasted like.
I recently moved into my new apartment a week or two ago. Yesterday I decided I'd finish unpacking the remainder of my things and organize my room.
Since I do a lot of solo camping in remote areas, I have bear mace. This is no ordinary mace. It's ultra concentrated; I mean, the stuff would make Chuck Norris choke and tear up.
Anyway, as I was sorting through my property, I came across this bear mace.
I was sitting on the ground, directly in front of a chest of drawers, holding the bear mace, looking at it. I'd never sprayed it before and I wondered how it worked. Assuming there was some sort of safety, I saw the button on top and pushed it.
Immediately, there was the sound of compressed air rushing out of the can. I looked up to see a cloud of mist in front of me, and a large orange spot on my white cabinets (I'm assuming from the pepper concentrate they use to make this spray). Thank SCIENCE it was not pointed towards my face.
At this point, my girlfriend is already running out of my room, coughing. I'm also coughing, but it's not too unBEARable (get it? un-BEAR-able? eh?). I opened up a window for ventilation. Next, my eyes streaming with tears, I grabbed a towel and wiped off my cabinet.
At this point, a vague memory came up in my head - someone once told me Firemen and Policemen used to put mace on their eggs in the morning, you know, to give them a little extra kick. Without remembering that bear mace is even more concentrated than traditional mace (and without thinking that particular story may be a myth), I immediately put the mace-soaked rag up to my mouth and licked it, timidly.
That timid lick was enough to set my world ablaze.
Reddit, today I fucked up.
**TL;DR I accidentally sprayed bear mace in my room, then decided to lick the rag I used to clean it up.**
fredrikth: Been there. Done that. "Well not the mace-soaked rag up to my mouth" thing but.. I also have a video of my friend getting sprayed in the face with bear mace...
darkrock: you will post this video... you will post this video...
fredrikth: Give me 10 minutes...
Shadownhero: 36 minutes ago where is that video
fredrikth: http://youtu.be/o4bbG4hr8P8
Damn-it-man: What language is that? I'd guess but I fear I would sound stupid.
fredrikth: Give it a try! Guess!
[deleted]: I don't think it's Danish or Norwegian. I'm guessing Swedish.
fredrikth: You're right! It is Swedish.
| 10 | 37.8 | |
1348931436 | 1349106399 | null | t5_2to41 | 208 | [deleted]: TIFU by whipping a condom out in front of the president of a company
So I am a computer programmer, and as part of my job working at this development agency, we have to go out to discuss with customers what projects we are going to work on for them. I drive my project manager out to the clients office. At the office we meet with the president and the two lead tech guys at their office.
After we are all done discussing what we are going to do, the customer says that they will give us the assets to their database so we can get work done, and asks if we have an FTP server set up to receive the stuff. We say ya, but then I have the bright idea that I have a 4 GB USB flash drive on me, and we can use that.
The previous night, my friends and I found a video of people stretching and putting condoms over their heads and we decided to do the same with the pile of unused condoms that just sit around forever. (forever alone). In the morning, in my haste to make the house clean and get out the door for work, I must have accidently put a unwrapped condom which we had used for this in my pocket to be thrown away.
Well, I take out my keychain, and there is a condom wrapped up in it. Its right there in front of everyone. I panic and put it back in my pocket, remove the condom from the key pile, and get my work done. Everyone pretends it didn't happen (it was only visible for a second and I hoped nobody realized what it was).
On the way home my manager says "so, did you have a quickie at lunch or something?" I said "I... don't want to talk about it."
TIFU
bigfatround0: link for vid?
[deleted]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=As3pRa9O1VM
It's surprisingly easy to stretch a condom that far.
bigfatround0: that was funny, thanks for the link.
| 4 | 52 | |
1348933709 | 1349134846 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | CloudlessAbyss: TIFU Got mad and punched my laptop's screen causing the LED's to break
TIFU, it was last night and since I broke my laptop's screen I couldn't post it onto reddit until the next day. In case you're wondering I'm using my mom's computer. One thing to note is I'm asian and currently in highschool.
So I was playing a game, an online mmorg game called League of Legends and whilst playing the magnificent game I was encountering some internet issues. My internet would sometimes die out and come back on causing me to have game playing issues in LoL, my champion I'm playing would just stop and I would have no way to control.
Ok enough of the pre-cum.
I d'ced too many times in the game and it caused me to blast my fist of fury directly at my laptop breaking the LED's inside the screen as the screem protector didn't break but the insides did. Now after that happened I just felt like fuck this and just left it alone. Now that I can barely do anything on my laptop no more internet for me, knowing my frugal asian parents I'd doubt they would buy me a new one. The only thing I really regret my laptop breaking was me losing my "secret files."
TL:DR Crazy asian gamer breaks laptop fuck AT&T
sticx: That's not too bad. Just plug a monitor to your laptop, and you're good to go. It's much cheaper than getting the screen replaced or getting a new laptop alltogether. If you're really poor, just get a shitty CRT one at Goodwill, and you'll be fine.
And wtf are you thinking!? DoTA > LoL.
CloudlessAbyss: Good idea, I was thinking of connecting my laptop to my tv with either a hdmi or svga cable.
| 3 | 1 | |
1348954035 | 1349164066 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | littlemissmustache: TIFU by getting arrested for stowing away on Amtrak.
Never been arrested before, so I'm sort of scared shitless of what'll happen.
EDIT: Okay, backstory. I had no money and REALLY neded to get from point A to point B fast, but they're three hours apart. I thought by just hiding in bathrooms I'd be able to evade the conductor, and I was, up to a point, but shortly before point B I was confronted and asked for my ticket. Shit. So I lamely tried using an old eTicket on my phone, which obviously didn't go through. I then said I had the wrong train, which flew for a bit, but then they said they'd verify it with Amtrak when we got off. After arriving at point B, I was handed to the cops, where the asked me to be honest and if I actually had a ticket or not. Not wanting to lie to a cop, I admitted I didn't, was cuffed, and then processed. I was given a court date and I'm REALLY hoping I'm not sentenced to any jailtime.
[deleted]: You should hop freight trains. They don't care at all. Just go to the freight yards and watch the trains. Hang out a little outside the yard and get on the train that's moving. Bring food.
littlemissmustache: Are their stops made public?
delebird: depends on what theyre hauling.
Orcatype: Hoboloads, like yo mammy's vajay
benigntugboat: Ha.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1348929374 | 1349373031 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | gamingthinktank: TIFU running at 12 mph on treadmill...a sudden power failure taught me an interesting lesson of life
While your life is on fast track...do care about your power sources. It reminded me failure of a software company just because of inadequate supply of skilled human resource. The guy moved his business to another country and now he is a millionaire.
mistiry: It's 'Today, **I** Fucked Up', not 'Today, **I'm** Fucked Up'.
gamingthinktank: oops...I fucked up
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1348951751 | 1348963785 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | Duiker123: TIFU: Puked everywhere in a restaurant.
Okay, now I just discovered this subreddit. This story is actually from last year. So I was up in Gainesville, FL visiting my brother and for breakfast, me, my brother, his fiancé, and my parents went out to a crackle barrel. I felt fine throughout the course of the meal until about 5 minutes after I began eating my wil blueberry pancakes. No, I did not eat them too fast, I didn't finish them. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but suddenly I puked blue/purple onto my plate. I got up and started running out the door, but started puking profusely on my way out. I knocked over items in the got shop, puked on sme dudes shoes, in the entrance, just fucking everywhere of this nasty purple blue chunk. Worst (or best) part is that I was wearing a white shirt, so it was really apparent on my shirt. I just sat at my car waiting it out looking like a fucking psychopath.
Tldr: went to crackle barrel, puked blue purple everywhere.
Akoraceb: Pics or it diden't happen.
Duiker123: Then I guess it didn't happen man, sorry. Didn't think of getting pics of my destruction.
Akoraceb: Unexcusable! If i vomited purple and blue in a public area the first thing i would think would be, "Oh Reddit would love this!" and take pictures and statements from witnesses before sitting at my car looking like a smurf eating psychopath TL:DR I would have.
Duiker123: I know. I just discovered this subreddit though, and I hadn't discovered reddit at the time of the incident. Looking back, I wish I did take pics.
| 5 | 11 | |
1348967092 | 1349060808 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | Thereminz: TIFU by browsing reddit instead of going to work.
it wasn't a conscious decision, i thought i didn't have to go in today so i was just fucking around on reddit, then i went in to check the schedule (yes they don't hand you a schedule you have to go in and look at it which was part of the problem) and i was supposed to work for like 4 hours before then.... got fired :(
darthelmo: For the record, I've *never* had a job that just handed out a schedule. You were expected to check the master copy, whether in person or over the phone. If you didn't, it was tough shit for you.
Walican132: as an employer and some one who writes schedules over the years I've done it, I've handed all of one employee one schedule and that is because she was leaving the country for the week and would be working the day after she got back.
darthelmo: There's always one smartass in the room... :-)
Walican132: Yeah I was just agreeing with you.
darthelmo: No worries. I caught that. :-)
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1349007807 | 1350133135 | null | t5_2to41 | 542 | ashessnow: TIFU Backing out of my parking space.
So I'm in my car about to reverse out of my parking spot in the ally behind my place when I realize that what I previously thought was a harmless little spiderweb I had walked through before getting into my car was actually a giant spiderweb that is all over me, and so is the giant spider that made it. I freak out and get out of my car trying to get it all off me without realizing that I had already put the car in reverse. I open the car door and am getting out when I take my foot off the brake. The car immediately starts backing up, and being on an incline, does so very fast. I realize my horrible mistake and try to get back in the car but the car door hits me, knocking me to the ground. My car hits what is apparently a water line or something because the car hits something metal and it sounds like something is spraying water. The car, after hitting whatever it was, and how it's possible I don't know, then begins to move forward, and because I am still on the ground, runs over my arm. As soon as the tire is done running over my arm, I'm up again, this time running after the car that's headed towards my parking spot, trying to stop it. My car then runs straight into the brick wall of my parking space. I jump in, turn it off, and am too shaken to check the damage of both the back and the front, not to mention the brick wall and the building behind me. This all took roughly 10 seconds.
Edit: My car is a 1999 4Runner. And I'm actually fine, thankfully. The tire just scraped off some skin. While watching it happen I literally thought...well there goes the use of my arm for the next few months, but it didn't hurt at all, just a bit heavy. The fall hurt the worst though, I hit the side of my head pretty good, and got my hands cut up. On the whole though, I'm fine. Also, I was driving a few hours later when I saw that fucking spider on my side window. At first I tried to wash it away with the windshield wiper fluid, but the fluid didn't reach my side window. That was the point where I gave up and figured that the spider had done enough to me, and that it would be best to just call a truce.
Edit again: The back of my car is a dented, but the rest of it's fine. I have however, been banned from parking in the back by my roommate. And I still don't know what the hell I fucked up for the other building. My roommate told me it smelled like gas after it happened, but it sounded like water was being sprayed, very weird.
IKLYSP: Ah the perils of driving an automatic.
DeathHaze420: Driven an automatic for 10 years, deathly afraid of spiders. Can't say this has ever happened to me.
P.S. I love watching ppl with manuals try and be hot shit and stall it.
Mech1: Having driven both of them, I love watching people with automatics neutral drop the tranny and fry clutch band and disks, and watching someone who is used to driving a tractor-trailer go to do a burn and go flying in reverse, anyone who has ever drive a tractor-trailer will understand why.
DeathHaze420: To be perfectly honest, I refuse to learn how to drive manual as I am not a drinker, and that's one more damn type of car I have to give ppl rides in/ go on beer runs/ etc. They go "Take my car." I ask if its manual, if they say yes I say Nope.
bmoriarty87: God forbid you go out of your way for someone else...
DeathHaze420: I don't like drinking so why would I get more of it around me willingly?
bmoriarty87: So someone doesnt have to drive drunk.
DeathHaze420: Taxi. If they are dumb enough to drive drunk, they're dumb enough to do it when I'm not around, so fuck em.
gifforc: I find it funny that username: deathhaze420 is having a conversation about the perils of drunk driving.
DeathHaze420: I like how you know me so well. My girlfriend is the driver when I am high. Way to assume.
gifforc: I didn't assume anything.
Just thought it was funny. Since you're likely going to die from the haze of drunkenness if you decide to drive. I didn't even care about the 420 (other than it's almost as tacky as adding 69 to the end of your username.)
DeathHaze420: Like I care what you think, and I don't drink, the haze is weed smoke dipshit. It's also a name I started using whilst playing fps. So sorry it stuck.
By the way, the use of the word "likely" means that you are assuming.
gifforc: No, it's factual. You're likely to die or kill someone if you get behind the wheel drunk. You're misunderstanding what i'm saying.
Fuck off all the same at this point. Enjoy that chip on your shoulder.
DeathHaze420: You make no sense whatsoever. Quite literally.
| 15 | 36.133333 | |
1349008865 | 1349014380 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | dareddann3: TIFU by leaving my keys, money, credit cards, all in my new jacket at a friends house. I just arrived home. This is going to be a long day.
[deleted]: How is this a big deal?
an_ill_mallard: I imagine he lives a long distance away from said friend and had only his phone to post. Have fun driving ten hours back to Milwaukee or wherever it is Americans live
[deleted]: I live in America in a town of 75 people...
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1348995783 | 1349304523 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | goalump: TIFU by getting all inappropriate about an underage cartoon character
Well, actually it was last Thursday at work. A colleague of mine, who is a bit of a conservative guy, overheard me talking to another guy about The Avengers movie. I am the office comic book geek, so this is not an unusual event. He comes over and says how much his daughters (who are 8 and 10 yrs old) love Pepper Potts. I'm all like "yeah, seriously, Pepper Potts, absolutely" and "I would totally hit that Pepper Potts" and all sorts of other stuff that you can probably guess. I mean, it's Gwyneth Paltrow we're talking about here, right?
No, not so much. He has **never** seen The Avengers. Or Iron Man. He's talking about Iron Man: Armored Adventures, the animated series, where Tony, Rhodey and Pepper are all KIDS! Anyway, he looks at me funny without saying anything for a while, then just goes "Dude, that's a bit wrong" and just walks off.
Anyway, after I clicked what the misunderstanding was, I thought "fuck it, I may as well bury myself a bit deeper".
"Mate, don't worry, I'd totally do Melody from Josie and The Pussycats before I did Pepper..."
[deleted]: That's not a huge deal, just make it clear that you were talking about Gwyneth Paltrow. It's pretty obvious to see your line of thinking, and unless he's stupid, I'm sure he'll understand.
goalump: I think my comment about Melody probably reinforced his view :) On the plus side, everyone I've told this to thinks it's funny. So, theres' that...
relaxntoke: so how is it that you fucked up if you view this event as a sucess without need of repair?
goalump: Well, the fact that it's mildly amusing to tell is a bonus. My workmates still thinks I'm a weirdo...
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1349023324 | 1349100787 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | LouderSixpounder: TIFU By going 22 MPH over the speed limit.
My little brother was home alone and I was trying to get to him as quickly as possible. I was pulled over and ticketed, and I don't know whether or not I have to go to court. From what I read, it's a 3 point offense here in GA and I'm under 21. I'm worried about losing my license (won't be able to go back to college, I'll lose my job, etc.)
Update: just got home from my favorite coffee shop. I got pulled over AGAIN, this time for going too slowly. I was 5 MPH under. The officer thought I was drunk. I'm sitting here thinking "noooo, just obeying the law so I don't get ANOTER TICKET..."
He didn't ticket me. Of course. And I got paced by ANOTHER cop after that in the next county over. WTF is up with this? They were everywhere tonight...
Erikster: You'll be fine. An attorney might help if you feel like you could successfully challenge it or if you are facing a suspended license. But, 22 over? I doubt there's much you could do.
LouderSixpounder: Yeah, I don't think I could afford an attorney (minimum wage and ~15 hrs a week), and I couldn't challenge it. Here in GA we have a super speeder law, and I'm not sure if this falls under it. Driving 22 over is a 3 point offense and you can't get more than 4 before you're 21. My main thing is this: if I lose my license, even for 6 months, I lose my job. If I lose my job then I can't go back to school and I have to start paying loans back. I can't afford that with no job.
Erikster: So... no more tickets. Simple.
LouderSixpounder: I understand that. My issue is figuring out exactly what my penalties are for what I was doing. I was not told by the officer how fast I was going and I failed to ask him to show me. All I got was a citation for speeding. Don't know if I have to go to court, don't know if I'll lose my license. I can handle the fine... Can't handle losing my license.
bradthemad: You don't need a lawyer to go to court on your date and see if the DA is willing to cut you a break - you're a student, working part time to put yourself through college, helping take care of your family, etc. If you're lucky, they knock it down to a lesser charge (lower speed, maybe even something without any points) and just fine you. Often they'd rather just have your money than ruin your record. It's worth looking into, since your insurance premium is likely to increase if that speeding ticket and points go on your record.
The rest of this is specific to Georgia.
Fines vary depending on the jurisdiction you were in when you got the ticket, which would be on the ticket. You didn't give enough information to tell whether you get the extra super speeder penalty or not. Either way, that's "just" an additional fine, not additional points. 24 over would have been a 4 point ticket, which would have meant a suspended license for you. If the points ever do become a problem, e.g. if you get another ticket, you can take a defensive driving course once every 5 years, which removes up to 7 points from your record. If your license does get suspended, you could also get a restricted license that would allow you to drive only to work, school, etc. and back.
hunglao: This is exactly what you should do. I have had my speeding tickets reduced consistently for over 15 years in VA and NC simply by going to court and explaining the situation. Also, it is easier to make arrangements with the DA before your actual court date if this is possible where you live.
| 7 | 7.285714 | |
1349035407 | 1349036669 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | ptanaka: TIFU Cuz my phone went & vibrated loudly at a funeral
It's a new android. I didn't know the church had wifi, and the phone "found" it and I started getting new announcements vibrations. I had turned off the sound, but not the vibration; who knew a church would have WIFI!?!?
My husband was sitting next to me and felt all these vibrations from my purse and was suitably appalled, as was I. I stumbled with the the phone trying to figure out how to quickly turn the whole thing off. I finally did. He was so angry with me. I was mortified. The person dead, was still... dead. It's all good....
Namika: I know your pain, I had something similar happen to me during a med school interview. There were two admins directors interviewing me and my phone (which I put on silent) starting vibrating every 10 seconds from some notification.
I didn't want to stop the interview to pull out the phone and fumble with it to shut it off, but I couldn't just leave it there vibrating over and over again >.>
I ended up just reaching in my pocket and just removing the battery. It was certainly easier then trying to shut it off, but I still felt like an idiot for having it on in the first place.
ptanaka: I don't think I can begin to share with you the LOOK my husband gave me. It would have cut a diamond...
| 3 | 1 | |
1349053391 | 1349116774 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: Reddit TIFU by overestimating how long it takes for the garage door at my apartment to come down.
I thought I had enough time to get through but then I hear... *CUSH!* and a scraping sound as I try and make it through. A family was watching me the whole time with horrified expressions. I was so embarrassed I just left and came back 10 minutes later to check the damage. The door was intact and pulled down, so they or someone must have fixed it. I can't believe I did that. -_____-
trouphaz: So, I don't really understand what happened here. You were driving and trying to go under the garage door while it was coming down?
[deleted]: Correct, me being the moron I am, saw the garage door was already up from the previous family coming in. I tried to make it through but the garage door came down on the roof of my boyfriends truck and scraped as I tried to inch through, instead of just pushing the button to make it go back up.
trouphaz: lol... wow, that is a fuck up. that deserves an upvote.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1349058721 | 1349192347 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | raika11182: TIFU by eating my wife's chocolate bar.
Background: My wife does NOT like dark chocolate. She's made this clear to me on many occassions. Yesterday she ran out for some errands and asked if I wanted anything, so I asked her to pick me up some chocolate. She lovingly obliged and brought home (along with some other stuff) two dark chocolate Dove bars. I LOVE dark chocolate. I ate a bar yesterday... and a bar today.
Five minutes ago my wife asked me what I did with her chocolate bar.
TIFU.
Zman11588: Am I missing something? I thought she didn't like dark chocolate? Why would she care?
raika11182: You'd think, wouldn't you?
thenameisdezzy: Is she menstruating? Cause that would make perfect sense.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1349062717 | 1349230644 | null | t5_2to41 | 150 | skirlaug: TIFU by baking delicious bagels for the first time
I had a hankering to cook/bake something substantial, so I decided to make some bagels for my breakfast for the next week. I followed a recipe, had all the bagels boiled and ready to go in the oven, and baked the first batch flawlessly.
But when I put in the second batch, there was a problem. You see, there has to be a container with water in the oven to give off steam while they bake, and I used a glass casserole dish for that. I noticed it was dried out, and I added more water. Using a glass of cool tap water.
The casserole dish exploded violently, and the concussive blast knocked the door off the oven (okay, I probably just dropped it). I burst into tears, threw the cup in the sink, and cleaned up my mess while my mom dealt with the glass and getting the stove door back on. And I had to throw the second batch away.
But at least the first one was good?
SMMH: They were authentic boiled and baked bagels and they weren't good...they were GREAT!
skirlaug: Get off Reddit, Mom. O.o
kneeonball: Is this real?
skirlaug: As in was that my mom? I asked her and apparently it is so. -.-;
kneeonball: Time for a new reddit account then xD
skirlaug: Nah. This is already my second one, and besides, she knows more interesting things about me than I'd share on the Internet anyway. :P
kneeonball: You mean you don't have 3 already!?
I only have one, but yeah if you she already knows more stuff than you're willing to share it's no big deal. Some of the stories I've read on here though... wow. If only their mom knew.
[deleted]: Ending to the story:
OP's mother somehow finds his post and praises him for the job well done.
| 9 | 16.666667 | |
1349065926 | 1349126371 | null | t5_2to41 | 420 | Felpeh: TIFU by unintentionally ruining a waitress' day.
To begin, I am not the most eloquent speaker. I often slur my words without realizing it.
Anyway, my friends and I went to Red Robin for lunch today. Our waitress was a young girl, probably not a day over 16. She asked if she could start us off with something to drink and I, sitting closest to her, immediately said, "Yeah, I'll get a freckled lemonade".
She flinched a bit and didn't respond. I quickly glanced at the menu and asked, "you do have those, right?"
She slowly nodded and scribbled down my order, looking somewhat ashamed. As soon as she took every drink order and left, a friend leaned over to me and asked, "Dude, what's with the harsh language?"
"What? I didn't use harsh language."
"You said you wanted a *fuckin'* lemonade. Those were your words exactly"
"Oh no, I said I wanted a *freckled* lemonade".
"Oh, I definitely heard fuckin' instead of freckled".
Everyone else at the table confirmed that they heard 'fuckin lemonade'.
Sure enough, about 20 seconds later the waitress returned with my drink only. And it was a regular lemonade, not a freckled lemonade. So she definitely heard 'fuckin' and I accidentally bullied her into serving me quickly. I profusely thanked her, and as she was walking away I decided I should have tried to clear things up. I shouted across the room, "Hey wait, I said I wanted a *FRECKLED* lemonade!"
She quickly returned to the table and grabbed the lemonade. I stared at her with a friendly smile, expecting to laugh off the misunderstanding, but she stormed back to the kitchen without a word. It didn't occur to me that I hadn't cleared things up at all until my friends told me that I sounded like a major asshole. Rather than awkwardly trying to explain myself further I quietly accepted my newly freckled lemonade and left a $20 tip at the end of the meal.
There's probably a very confused waitress somewhere out there right now.
Tl;Dr: Young waitress thought I cussed at her and sent my perfectly fine drink back
Edit: A freckled lemonade is a lemonade with pieces of fruit in it that Red Robin serves
Pihlbaoge: Not to tell anyone what to do, but I find that it's just very very easy in this situation to simply say "Excuse me, my friends here thought that it sounded like I asked for a *fucking* lemonade. Did you think so too? Because what I was trying to ask for was a *freckled* lemonade."
If nothing else, it's a good conversationstarter for those times when she's not 16, but rather a few years older and "dateable".
flitterella: >If nothing else, it's a good conversationstarter for those times when she's not 16, but rather a few years older and "dateable".
I realize this was not your intention, but this makes you sound like a huge douche.
Pihlbaoge: My intention was to show that these things can be turned into something good. How many stories about how people met the love of their lives haven't you heard where one part makes a fool out of him/herself and then they all just laugh about and get together.
Or did you mean the part about 16 being too young to be "dateable"? That was just from my perspective of course. As a 23 year old man/boy/male human being, I'd guess it's kind of frowned upon should I start trying to date 16 year old waitresses.
If you are around 16 yourself, of course, go ahead, you've got my blessing and all. (More love for the people!)
flitterella: No, I'm no longer a teenager, nor do I believe that teenagers should be engaging in relationships with non-teenagers.
That you immediately went to a place where she would hypothetically be dateable kind of implies that you see her as a female first and a human being second, like, "Hey, you mentioned she was a girl, right? If she were a few years older that would be relevant to your dick!"
Again, I'll say I realize this was not your intention, but if you think about women primarily in terms of whether or not they're "dateable", maybe you should, I don't know, think about why.
Faythy: Wow where is your mind. I am a female and mentally congratulated him for not being a pedophile after reading your post and think you have wayyyy over thought what he said.
flitterella: >**congratulated him for not being a pedophile**
Maybe I'm not the one doing the wrong amount of thinking. :(
Faythy: He clearly stated she was underage and so most men would not to even go there, however had she been older it would have been a good opening line... Its common sense not pervert thinking. I was thanking him for being an adult and thinking like an adult instead of like a nasty pervert like some men do. There is a group out there who, without hesitation, would have smiled, said some jokes and tried to get all flirty with the 16 year old. That's just wrong. Common sense my friend, common sense.
Honestly I think you doing the wrong amount of thinking are since you are the one who seemed to see it that way. I didn't even go to a pedophile place until you brought it up dicks and such. I thought the whole thing, if she was older would have been an awesome started too.
Edit: Added response here instead of two responses under the same context.
flitterella: Is it not worth considering to you that you've come to expect that kind of repulsive behaviour so much that you now think a person who meets minimum standards of decency where women are concerned are worth congratulating?
Faythy: What kinda pills are you on today. Please, share them with the class. You. Are. Ridiculous. Please don't even try to use my statements to bring about your idea that you are in the right here.
You're inability to see that he was making a honest and genuine thought about how two people could meet (if age of consent is present), but rather turning it into a ordeal about how women are objectified is what put the thought there. Yea this guy is indeed a good man and bravo for not being a pedo into my mind- ONLY AFTER having to read your statements about dicks and shit.
"Hey, you mentioned she was a girl, right? If she were a few years older that would be relevant to your dick!"
If I had never read your stupidity then pedophiles would have never even crossed my mind. You implemented the idea that men only think of women with their dicks, regardless of age, but more so relevant if overage. . Which in turn made me think, yea this guy is awesome for not being a pedo.. Really.. get off your horse.
flitterella: It's funny that you say I'm ridiculous because you and I agree on a lot of points. I agree that OP is probably a good guy, but because I have the audacity to suggest that something he said was sexist, I'm on pills or a horse or something. Wow.
You know, one day you're going to realize that stuff is fucked up and bullshit and I'm going to seem a lot less crazy. In the meantime, I really, earnestly wish you well.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: You know what the problem is here? We do judge women by whether they're dateable. We do this because women are boring. Women are just not that interesting to guys. In general, their opinions are bland and they're not particularly adventurous. They are not nearly so funny as men, and are more prone to take offense (as you have demonstrated). So women should be grateful that men judge them by their appearance, because judging them by their interestingness would yield far worse results.
Its-Georgie: Wow. You are a classy motherfucker.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Yes, that's why standup comedians are mostly women, and blockbuster movies mostly have female stars, and women fill our history textbooks and rule the world. Because they're so fascinating and daring.
Its-Georgie: Perhaps you've heard of this little thing called *patriarchy*?
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: You're obviously not a man who's heard a woman tell a story.
Its-Georgie: I'm a woman. You're obviously a sexist dipshit.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Your comment oozes composure and elegance.
Its-Georgie: Comosure and elegance went out the window when you suggested the oppression of women stems from women *just not being interesting enough*. So here's a big ole FUCK YOU from women everywhere, you sexist piece of shit, you! :D Good luck ever having sex that doesn't involve your hand.
| 19 | 22.105263 | |
1349077670 | 1349100787 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | drumbtr: TIFU by doing this..[PIC]
[YEAAAHHHHH](http://i.imgur.com/BRvnG.jpg)
Yeah, it sucks ass, the other guy got a cute little dent. Nobody was hurt so that's good.
Mech1: Da fuq did you do?
drumbtr: Hydroplaned into the back of a truck :(
Mech1: Ah, that sucks.
| 4 | 24.25 | |
1349078727 | 1349174176 | null | t5_2to41 | 138 | [deleted]: TIFU By getting unenrolled from high school today.
Alright, so first off, I'm in online school. When I first enrolled I was sent a bunch of tests that Woman told me were optional and to get me used to their test taking format. Well, I just got back from work and checked my E-mail. Turns out I had to get them finished yesterday 9-30-12. "If the tests are not completed before 12:00 AM October 1st GMT, your student will be automatically unenrolled from our program for the rest of the year."
So now I'm just sitting here, Pumped on energy drinks and stressing.
**Edit**: Not kicked out. Since I didn't even have a full course scheduled, it actually didn't apply to me. Crisis averted.
[deleted]: Pick up the phone and call them.
I promise you that you are not the first one to do this. The worst thing you can do is procrastinate with a problem like this.
trouphaz: People are always afraid to call or to ask. The worst thing that can happen is that things stay the way you are and you are screwed. The best thing is that you get what you need. A friend of mine used to get annoyed at me in college because it seemed like I'd always get special accommodations. I walked in on my midterm exam with only 5 minutes left. I went to talk to the guy overseeing the test and he said that the previous class, the teacher had announced that the test would be moved an hour earlier or something like that. So, it was my fault for missing the class in the first place (I missed a lot of classes). I called the professor and he let me retake it without any issue.
[deleted]: It isn't in the schools best interest to kick this kid out. It is in there best interest to educate him.
But if the guy waits too long he risks getting too far behind in the system for them to get him started.
jacqueofalltrades: >It is in their best interest to keep getting his money.
FTFY
[deleted]: I won't object to that change.
However it should be noted...
that in some states (including the one I live in) chartered cyberschools are treated as public education and paid for by the state. I know a lady that has several of her kids enrolled in a cyberschool and she pays nothing for it. They even gave her the computer.
| 6 | 23 | |
1349085452 | 1349667766 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | Navevan: TIFU making burgers.
I was making hamburgers at 4 o'clock this morning and it was going well. Prepping, I put salt, pepper, crushed red peppers, hot sauce, and then came the garlic. Now, I don't have a lot of experience with cooking, so when I grabbed the garlic, I grossly overestimated the appropriate amount. Those burgers were 50% garlic by the time I was done, and it was fucking terrible.
TheMightyDane: 4 am cooking hamburgers seems a bit offensive doesn't it? But I get it. Sometimes you just need stuff like that. I once made the perfect omelette. FUCKING PERFECT. Thick, juicy with cheese and perfectly baked. I somehow in this process thought it was a great idea to add about 5783kg of salt to the mix. Fucked up the whole thing.
[deleted]: 5783kg, wow, that is a lot of salt to even fit in an omelette. I can imagine it would've been a bit salty yeah. Few kg less next time!
TheGamingLord: "There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose."
shlack: Is that from Futurama? Sorry I feel like I've heard it somewhere but I can't quite remember where.
sheridork: Yes it is. Bender said it when he was their chef :-)
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1349106681 | 1349119558 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: Tifu by making cookies.
Well this wasnt today but a while ago, I was reminded of it by the TIFU Bagel story.
So, theres 15 year old me, quite experienced with cooking, can do Pot noodles, microwave meals and open a tin if I really need to, so baking for the first time should be a breeze. I fancied chocolate cookies so grabbed a cookbook and gathered the ingredients. Once I had cleaned the flour off the Cat and wiped the egg from my eye I fumbled around for some baking paper and ripped a strip off, it was a tad too long for the tray but I just scrunched one end up and put those damned cookies in the oven.
Why not make some buttermilk whalst Im waiting? Seemed like a great idea so I started by warming some milk on the hob. I check on my baked goods, and oh, theres a fire in the oven. I panic and fling open the Oven door, then grab the pan of milk and throw that shit inside, putting out the flames. Whalst I calm down after almost burning the Oven down (sort of) I try and find the source of the fire: The baking paper that I bunched up had been resting on one of the metal heaty uppy things on the roof of the Oven, and had caught fire.
I felt like an Idiot for not doing it properly, and now my Cookies where burnt and my Buttermilk was being licked up by my Cat. I could fuck up a glass of water.
Tl;dr Made cookies, oven caught fire and I spilled my buttermilk. Never touching a kitchen again.
Edit: Spelling.
alxclrk: Spilled would be the correct form of spill. Spilled, not 'spilt'.
Sucks though.
MadDrMatt: A quick Google shows that the irregular verb conjugation of spill (spilt) is, in fact, acceptable and prevalent (Wikipedia, Usingenglish, Merriam-Webster, Free Dictionary). Regular or irregular conjugation is correct, but if OP learned British English like most non-native speakers, he would have been instructed to use spilt.
alxclrk: My Merican' dictionary says "Spilled"
MadDrMatt: You do realize when I say, "Both A and B are true," that a retort of, "A is true," does not disprove my statement, right?
Nonetheless, my American dictionaries say either form is correct: [Merriam-Webster](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/spilt) and [American Heritage (via a "Free Dictionary" citation)](http://www.thefreedictionary.com/spilt)
alxclrk: Dude I understand. I was not aware of the dual correctness of the word. I am now though. Cool?
MadDrMatt: Cool!
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1349108479 | 1349192438 | null | t5_2to41 | 439 | copypastesystem: TIFU By Waking Up
I woke up in a great mood and drove my husband to work. All was well at that time until I was on my way back home. On my way home, 2 people at 2 separate intersections ran stop signs and almost hit me. I blew it off and carried on. I then went to meet up with a friend of mine to do our Monday breakfast. We went to eat and on our way out of the parking lot, someone in their pickup truck decided he wasn't going to wait for me to back out of my spot the last foot and almost slams his truck into me. At this point I start getting annoyed but still keep my cool. I get down the street and someone in an Audi runs a stop sign and almost hits me as well as a bunch of preschool kids & teachers crossing in front of him. I finally make it home unscathed and decided I wasn't leaving the house today because of all the crazies on the road. I open my front door to find my ceiling has collapsed due to my landlord's lack of effort in fixing a plumbing issue we've had since we moved in. I then take my dog out for a walk and step into a giant pile of dog shit (not my dog's) and turn around to go home and clean my shoes. My landlord comes as I am cleaning up my smoking supplies/pipes/etc and in a last ditch effort to run and hide the stuff from view, I bash my toe into a wall and split it open. While my toe is bleeding through my socks, my landlord asks me to help find the leak that caused the ceiling to collapse. With no luck he decides to fix the doorbell which has been broken since we moved in. My dog flips out at the slightest sound so when he kept "testing" the bell to see if it worked, I had to chase my 70 pound pussy of a dog so she'd stop shaking and freaking out at the doorbell on 1 foot. While this may not have been the worst fuck up ever, it's enough for me to want to lock myself in my bedroom and sleep the rest of the day away. Happy Monday to me...
**TL;DR:** A series of unfortunate events starting from the moment I woke up has driven me temporarily insane and filled me with excruciating pain.
mockingod: Think about it. You're lucky to be alive. Don't think you're unlucky
copypastesystem: In a grander scheme of things I'm definitely not unlucky but on a much smaller scale, today was tipping at the edge of unlucky.
Ronry: You think your life sucks? Ha! If you want, I can tell you about my blowjob-fairy of a life.
tdmfh: You're the Blowjob Fairy? Yeah, your life probably does suck.
Ronry: No, my life is the blowjob fairy. That's how much it sucks.
ManWithDominantClaw: Dear Ronry's Life,
Thanks! Although next time maybe don't bring the Tooth Fairy with you.
Sincerely, MWDC
Ronry: I feel like I should reply, but all I have to say it Ahahaha.
| 8 | 54.875 | |
1349149619 | 1349271284 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | mypoorparents: TIFU by sucking dick.
This weekend I had rebound sex with an old fuck buddy in my home town while visiting with my family. I spent the night at his house, and woke up to more sex and sucking him off. My parents arrived shortly after to pick me up without calling first, so I didn't have time to do anything but get dressed and leave. They're 4:20 friendly so when I get in the car they light up a joint and we pass it around. It wasn't until after that I realized I just shared a joint with my parents after sucking a dick and taking a load to the face/mouth without brushing my teeth. FUCK.
SummoningRaziel: Nice of you to take the load in your mouth.
british_joe: And face. Don't forget about her taking it to the face. That's a very important detail to this story.
[deleted]: Do you know how soft your skin feels after that??
british_joe: I honestly can't say that I do. Do you care to share your experiences with this?
If I ever have a shot go awry, I'll certainly let you know how it turns out.
| 5 | 21 | |
1349148783 | 1349157858 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | RoyalBrand: TIFU Got Caught... At Work!
SummoningRaziel: Not sure if I should feel bad or clap.
jedi240: Clap...... Just clap
SummoningRaziel: *slow clap initiated*
strayce: Oh good, that still works.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1349153291 | 1349496990 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | GarciaLater: TIFU by blasting shit all over my gf's apartment complex.
This happened a few days ago, but I am just now receiving evidence of it so I am posting today.
So it was my girlfriend's dad's birthday and she had been a huge sweetheart for him by ordering a bunch of hot wings for the Cowboys' game (even though she doesn't eat meat and has no interest in sports). I was invited over to their apartment to join in the festivities, but couldn't make it over until about half way through the game. By the time I got there (around 4:30pm), I was pretty hungry and there were only a few of the 'atomic' wings left. I figured what the hell, tried some to see how hot they were, and finished the remaining 4 or 5. The burning in my mouth was slightly intense, but I washed it down with some Mickey's Malt Liquor. yum.
The game ended and I went to band practice at my friend's house for a while and then eventually went back to gf's apt later that night. On the way over to her place, I was really tired so I picked up a 20 oz. Red Bull from the gas station and hung out for about an hour. At about 1am I decided to take a pee before I head out to go home. This begins the countdown to blast off.
**1:00:00 am** - While taking a pee, I feel painfully gassy and figure a giant fart or poo is probably making its way through my abdomen. It's late, I need to leave soon, and there is no tp in the bathroom, so I opt to piss quickly and leave.
**1:00:45** - As I am making my way out of the apartment and saying goodbye to her dad to wish him one last happy birthday, I realize that this churning sensation in my gut is definitely gonna be a poo. I haven't taken one all day, so I figure the time will be about right to take the proverbial Browns to the Superbowl whenever I get home.
**1:01:15** - As my gf and I walk to my car in the parking lot, I realize that the dookie train is coming around the bend at full steam.
Me - "Oh my God. I really, really have to poop. I don't think I can wait."
Girlfriend - "What? Are you ok?"
Me - *groan* "I think I'm just gonna go out here."
Girlfriend - "No! Are you kidding? Just go back inside!"
Me - "No. I already told your dad goodbye...... I'll be able to hold it. I just need to go now."
Girlfriend - ".... Ok. Haha. Text me when you get home."
**1:01:30** - I get into my car and think to myself, 'Alright big guy, you can do this! Deep breaths. Just clench your butt cheeks together, turn on the a/c, put on some good music."
**1:01:35** - HOLY SHIT. THIS IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
**1:01:40** - After quickly exiting my car, I take a few steps to make an attempt at going back to my girlfriend's apartment, but I realize that this fireball is making its way toward my anus at lightening speed. I begin to run, looking in desperation for anywhere that out of sight from other people who might be around the parking lot or even recognize me, since I am there quite a bit.
**1:01:45** - I find a small bush that can block me from the view of the parking lot next to a wall. I rip down my pants as quickly as I can and press my back into the wall while keeping my legs out so I don't splatter poo on my legs or shoes.
**1:01:46** - The fury of excrement blasts from my asshole.
No one appeared to have seen me, so I pulled back up my pants and composed myself for a very uncomfortable ride home as there was obviously no tp and I chose not to drag my ass against the ground like a dog even though I had just shat in similar manner.
About a week later, after it had rained a couple of times, my girlfriend went back to document the crime scene and this is what she sent me today.
[stark evidence] (http://www.flickr.com/photos/18979834@N03/8028863447/in/photostream)
My theory is that something in the Red Bull (possibly the caffeine) triggered this violent fudge eruption.
GreenHairyMartian: You are a disgusting human being, i hope someone shits on your house and doesn't clean it up.
I mean, yea, OK, you fucked up. it happens to everyone, but the mark of a decent person is they attempt to fix their fuckup. go get a hose or a bucket bleach and rinse that shit off.
Bickyyy: I think you are getting butthurt over nothing. Clearly he didn't know till his gf showed him.
GreenHairyMartian: are you kidding? how do you launch a shit that nasty and not know it's all over the wall?
Bickyyy: It was dark, and he was nervous.
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1349135121 | 1349507822 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | Slicker1138: TIFU my Junior Sailor of the Year board...
...by coming to a complete blank on the Sailors Creed...then saying "oh, shit". Even though I nailed the board portion it was a foregone conclusion that I had no chance at it...
2bahKarro: what is a "junior sailor of the year board"?? i am not navy-savvy at all
Slicker1138: A "junior sailor" is someone that's usually an E-5 and it just recognizes your for being the best in your rank.
RekkaRekkaRekka: E-5 and below. I know a lot of seamen, I'd pick over second classes.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1349161723 | 1349310167 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | VelveetaBloodfucker: TIFU by eating a fruit roll-up
I was watching Mad Men and I grabbed a fruit roll-up from my snack drawer. I started chewing and felt a pulling sensation in my mouth followed by a piece of something hard in the wad of chewed up candy. I spit it out and plucked a [tooth](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/A4LN2c8CQAAv4zu.jpg:large) out of the wad.
**TL;DR** ate a fruit roll up, ripped a tooth out.
IDoThatToooo: My friend, I hate to inform you that what you have there is a thumbtack, not a tooth.
VelveetaBloodfucker: It's a tooth implant.
IDoThatToooo: How did you lose the original tooth? Please tell me it was a fruit roll-up.
VelveetaBloodfucker: Botched root canal.
IDoThatToooo: I'm sorry for your loss.
KlesaMara: I'm sorry for your f(loss). FTFY
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1349153543 | 1349219258 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Kaboose1442: TIFU by losing my wallet
So tonight i was at a Redbox machine looking for something that my girl and i could watch for the night. Well her friend who just got off work at a restaurant pulled up and we started talking. Well i got very infuriated about what happened to her because her manager apparently didn't give her all the tips she made for the night. Anyways, because that distracted me so much i COMPLETELY forgot about my wallet on top of the machine! I was using it to keep those sun protector screens up so its easier to browse through the menu's and i even kept mentally telling myself to remember the wallet. Thankfully i had my debit card on my person since i used it on the machine! There's only around 40$ in the wallet and i don't see why anyone would actually take it to keep the whole thing when thats the only other thing of value in it. I really am hoping the turned it into the Walgreens even though it was closed. For those who are wondering why i didn't put it in my pocket is because i had pj's on and i didn't think i was going to be talking for as long as we did. The stupidest thing i have EVER done for sure.
assblood: I learned a while back that for your wallet, unless you're in your own place you do not let it out of your hand for any reason. Since I adopted this rule, I've never lost it.
Kaboose1442: I usually NEVER put it down anywhere unless im getting out money and counting it at the counter. But thankfully someone turned it in! And it still had all my cash in it and everything. Faith in humanity has been restored!!!!!!!
assblood: Damn man that's a good spot of luck! Just don't set that damn thing down on any redboxes anymore!
Kaboose1442: Yeah! I thankfully have good karma that follows me around :). I definitely wont be setting it down anymore. I would rather deal with a big square object in my pj pants than lose it again haha. Thanks for the advice though xD
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1349188867 | 1349209392 | null | t5_2to41 | 313 | MrFahrenheit200: TIFU and had to jump out of a second story window.
This morning, I proceeded with my normal routine. Except I did ONE thing differently. This ONE thing caused me hell for what I assume will be the rest of the day.
I decided to wash behind my ears.
After my girlfriend left for class, it was just me alone in the house with my cat (who is in heat). After my shower, I thought "Damn, I really need to wash behind my ears" so I grabbed a towel and proceeded. I thought I heard someone pulling into my driveway which
was odd since the girlfriend just left.
Being the inquisitive type, I decided to observe. Our bathroom does not have any windows, but the room next to it has two overlooking the driveway. Here's the problem: The door in this room ONLY opens from the outside.
Wearing just my boxers, I entered the room and my cat tried to dart in after me. I did not feel like fighting her to get her out of the room so I slammed the door shut behind me. **WRONG. FUCKING. MOVE.**
Immediately, I realized that I fucked up. I didn't have my cell phone, in fact it was sitting downstairs on the dining room table.
I live in a duplex on a city street that is not particularly busy, but I was in the back of the house AND all of my neighbors seemed to be gone.
I went as far as trying to use a DVD to open the door, didn't work at all but I was desperate. TUG. SLAM. TUG. SLAM. I tried (half-hearted) to force the door open to no avail. I realized a simple fact: It was going to have to be the window.
The only window without a mesh screen cover hangs directly over the stairs and the thick roots of a large pecan tree. Unfortunately, there were no branches low enough to try to climb. Jumping from that window seemed like it would guarantee a broken leg or my face hitting the concrete stairs (if not both).
I decided that was not a good path. Just outside of the window next to it, there is a metallic awning (covering the roof of the laundry room). I decided it would be wise to climb to that, but I'm too much of a pansy. The very edge of it wasn't supported by anything. I climbed back in.
Being the genius that I am, I tried to drop my few comforting resources out of the window to break my landing when I had to drop. That consists of a blanket and a few seat covers. **Fuck.** THAT'S NOT GOING TO HELP SHIT!
Ultimately, I gave up and ripped the window screen on the window directly over the awning.
I wrapped myself up in a king size blanket and sat there for quite some time telling myself it would be ok. *"It's not even that high," "People have jumped from higher than this," "If you can jump from this, you really can do anything," "Once you get down from here, the problem is over. You might have to deal with new issues, but this problem is solved", "better to be down there and unable to move then trapped up here naked,"*
Eventually, I said fuck it and I jumped. It took me literally FOREVER to convince myself that it was alright. I had a strategy of land in a squat, and fall forward immediately. Guess what, guys. **you fall fucking quickly.** My squat and fall strategy didn't work at all. I was on the awning/roof, there was pain, and then there was me on the ground (with my blanket).
Worst pain I have experienced in quite some time. I was disoriented as shit, but somehow didn't manage to hit my head at all. I crawled towards the back door over the pile of crap I tried to jump out of the window to cushion my landing. Barely stood to open the door, fall in and then run to the living room/couch.
By that time, it was 8:41, I was supposed to be in at work at 8:00. Had I waited 20 more minutes, my boss would have come by to check on me since I am typically on time and lateness (especially without notice) is extremely out of character.
Now I am at work. Later, I'll have to go to class. My ankles kind of hurt, but it's whatever. I'm not trapped in that fucking room anymore.
Tl;dr I locked myself in a room while I was getting ready for work. Only one way down without assistance.
Edit: DeDutchess who posted some comments lives with me.
I am done with work and class now and the impact has caught up to me. Will be going to the doctor tomorrow.
Roof/windows
http://i.imgur.com/ZLUuL.jpg
There is a dent showing where I made my jump/dive from. Not standing, more of a sit/thrust (propelled by arm strength so my feet could land more easily)
I will try better pics tomorrow and measure actual height
Edit 2: MOAR PICS! These are the views from each window (safely inside, thanks!) and one of the ground right below the awning showing why a jump seemed better than a drop
http://i.imgur.com/MT7kq.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/kAOI6.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/2YAcV.jpg
lazyanachronist: You've probably fucked up twice. Window screens come out. Usually there's a little tab you can pull to deform the metal frame enough to get the screen out.
MrFahrenheit200: That's true actually. I considered that but had another concern: Whoever painted our house did a fucked up job. The windows are tough as shit to open. Since this is literally just an extra room that we have pretty much nothing in (a queen sized mattress because the box spring wouldn't fit up the stairs) there wasn't anything to securely prop the window open with.
That was actually another issue: Once I got out, getting back in wouldn't be safe either without a second person to ensure the window wouldn't slam shut on me. I didn't want to jostle the frame while I pulled on it and have the window ultimately fall on me. There's an extra screen in the closet already though. I was going to stick that one back in.
Thanks for the advice though :) I'll know in the future.
stuck_at_starbucks: Either I misunderstood you or there was a queen sized mattress in the room. Why didn't you chuck that out the window to cushion your fall?
Retanaru: I just imagined stuffing a queen sized mattress through a 4' x 4' window.
stuck_at_starbucks: Sorry, I live in south Florida and I'm used to windows big enough that I can stand in the window frame easily. Wasn't thinking about how most apartments have smaller windows.
| 6 | 52.166667 | |
1349190935 | 1349202009 | null | t5_2to41 | 204 | kittypuuuurry: TIFU by opening a bottle of super glue with my teeth.
So, the super glue had closed the whole container shut. I tried piercing it with a knife, and cutting it with scissors. None of that worked, so I tried ripping the tip off with my teeth and it exploded in my mouth. I got it all over my tongue, face, and teeth. I tried brushing my teeth, rinsing with mouthwash, and gargling hot water, and it's still damn there. I googled this, and it's happened to other people. They said I just have to wait it out. Ugh.
TL;DR I tried getting some difficult super glue open with my teeth, and now they're covered in it.
[EDIT] : I tried taking a picture for you guys, but it either comes out too dark with no flash, or too bright with it. :/
squee777: I hate to say this, but you could wipe your face with nail polish remover or something with acetone, but DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. Only the parts on your face. Your skin will dry out from this though.
Also how does it feel on your teeth? Is any part of your mouth stuck to another part?
kittypuuuurry: It feels rough and flaky. I can feel the layer on my teeth.
squee777: Your saliva will slowly eat it away. I guess spit a lot? I've never heard of that happening before.
kittypuuuurry: I read that somewhere. I have a lot of orange juice at home. I guess the acid in that will help break it down too?
squee777: I'm not entirely sure. My intuition would say yes, but my knowledge of chemistry would say I haven't a fucking clue.
kittypuuuurry: Chemistry? Time for a Breaking Bad reference.
| 7 | 29.142857 | |
1349194033 | 1349454194 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | niyou77: TIFU by editing a picture of my own dick
So you guys know how the new Death Grips album was leaked and how the cover is a picture of a dick with "NO LOVE DEEP WEB" written on it? ([NSFW!](http://cdn.stereogum.com/files/2012/10/Death-Grips-No-Love-Deep-Web-608x608.jpg)) Well, I thought I'd get a little cocky and make my own version of the album cover. I wrote it on my penis, snapped a picture, then got to work in Photoshop editing it down to a 900x900 piece of album art.
Unfortunately, my roommate walked in right as I started editing. He almost certainly saw the picture because I took forever trying to minimize it, and he definitely knows it's mine because our room trash can is visible in the pic. Now everyone on my floor is looking at me weirdly and the people I normally say hi to or talk to in the hall kinda shun me. Pretty sure my roomie told a bunch of people and now I'm the guy who looks at pics of his own schlaaang.
GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: I doubt he got a good enough a look at the picture to recognize your trash can. He probably thinks you were looking at random dicks on your computer and told everyone you were looking at gay porn.
[deleted]: Or maybe he's peeked at that dick enough times to recognize that it belongs to the OP. I caught my roommate checking out my pierced nipples once when she thought I was too passed out to wake up.
GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: Go on...
[deleted]: It isn't too long of a story. I got my tits pierced, hurt like a bitch. When I got home my roommate didn't believe me that I'd actually gone through with it. She said she wouldn't believe unless I showed her, and because I'm stubborn I didn't show her on principle. That night I drank/smoked the boob pain away until I fell asleep. Woke up on the couch in the dark to her tugging down my shirt to see the carnage. I was still fucked up and so I kinda just lay there wondering if my nipples looked gross and bloody (morning observation confirmed: yes, they were) but I didn't say anything or move. Never brought it up with her for fear of it being awkward (hey, sorry I oogled your bloody basoomas while you were sleeping). She still assumes I was asleep, I'm sure. I showed her the healed result a couple weeks later so she could quit pretending she didn't believe I'd had them done.
a_sick_old_man: Umm . . . I don't believe you had your nipples pierced?
[deleted]: I don't believe I'm drunk enough to prove it.
| 7 | 7.571429 | |
1349192151 | 1349237842 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | Millerzep: TIFU my car
I have a 2007 Volkswagen GTI. I was driving in to work yesterday when my car engine died. I got out of the car, and there is oil all over the place. Car wouldn't start back up.
I figured the oil was leaking because the oil filter fell apart (or something like that). I got my girlfriend to give me three bottles of oil, but that unfortunately ended up right on the ground.
Got my car towed to a dealership, and they said my timing chain broke, and cracked a hole in the engine cover (thus the oil everywhere). The fact the timing chain broke caused MAJOR problems with the engine.
The dealership gave a huge quote It's not covered under warranty, because the car is at 83k miles. I called Volkswagen of America to see if there is anything they could do. They want my oil change records, which I have sent in this morning. I'm waiting to hear back on if they will cover anything.
Zapopa: I am not an expert on VW's but I think your car has a timing belt not a chain. Timing chains rarely break, particularly at 80K. With a belt, its always a race to get it replaced before it breaks, and with some engines, if it does then the result is severe engine damage. Most belts go at least 100K so you may have just ended up with the shittiest of luck. Sorry man!
Millerzep: I was at the dealership and held the broken timing chain in my hand. It's not the timing belt, but a chain that works the exhaust valves.
[deleted]: My '09 has a timing chain. Im pretty sure all mkv GTI's had chains. Not 100% on that one though.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1349200280 | 1349205235 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by snorting a massive cloud of Sambar curry
powder.
I was cooking pork chops and wanted to shake on some [sambar powder](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sambar_\(dish\)#Sambar_powder) for seasoning. Apparently the spice rack container was clogged up so when I removed the top to clean up it exploded. I ended up with sambar powder all over the floor, oven top, pan, pork chops, and up my fucking nose.
Which resulted in about a solid hour of runny nostril (WHY THE FUCK WAS IT ONLY ONE NOSTRIL?!?) more mucusy than a bukake whore's face. Fucking clogged spice rack jar :(
LookieOverThere: Only one thing will make it better: snort coke. In that same nostril.
Release_the_KRAKEN: I think my nostrils have had enough abuse to last a lifetime.
| 3 | 5 | |
1349206695 | 1349224368 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | mahalo1984: TIFU by forgetting that I was supposed to go to court today for riding my bicycle on the sidewalk.
Now I'm a fugitive of the state.
squee777: Where is it that you reside where you are not allowed to ride your bike on the sidewalk?
MadDrMatt: I'd assume he lives in the US. Most states don't allow sidewalk riding to enforce safety for the cyclist (similar to enforcing a seat belt law in a car).
Edit: I might be flat-out wrong! I'll amend my original statement from 'most states' to 'most large urban areas'. Google informs me it's local laws that keep cyclists off those dangerous sidewalks.
IronMew: You have to go to a court for that?! I'd think such a minor infraction would just get you a small fine.
MadDrMatt: Good point! It should be a small fine, nothing more. Perhaps the OP decided to contest the violation in court instead of paying the fine?
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1349200826 | 1349406974 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | bellekid: TIFU by mentioning Jolly Ranchers
I was at my campus LGBT group's safe sex meeting last night after being dragged over by my good friends since I'm on the outs with most of the group. Apparently some of our new members are not the brightest apples in the bunch and since I'm a gender studies major they thought that I'd get a good laugh out of the meeting.
This was true and the meeting was heavily structured, no calling out, do not offend people, and no side comments, all of which I thought was a little much since I thought we were supposed to be having a discussion.
While the presenters were answering a question of some sort about what not to use during sex, like plastic wrap, for example. I decide to yell out "Or Jolly Ranchers!"
Death stares and groans ensue from those who know what I'm talking about and those not aware of what I was saying to start asking making it awkward for the entire room. This was followed by a stern reminder to not speak out of turn and glares from the entire eboard while my friends pretended not to know me.
TL;DR: Mentioned Jolly Ranchers at a safe sex meeting.
charles4308: What are these "jolly ranchers" you speak of?
[deleted]: Delete this before someone answers your query... *trust me*
Jase2483: TOO LATE!
Nothing tops the Jolly Rancher story.
Steve and his girlfriend Samantha went off to college in August. She went to Florida State, he went to Penn. So, she decides to fly to PA to visit him. He was really happy to see her so he decided to give her some oral action.
He had done this numerous times before and he always enjoyed doing it...but for some reason, this time, she smelled really horrible, and she tasted even worse. He didn't want to offend her though because he hadn't seen her in months...so he put a Jolly Rancher in his mouth to cover it up, even though it didn't do much to help.
In the course of eating her out, he accidentally pushed the candy inside of her... and stuck a finger in to grab it out. He took it out, and put it back into his mouth and bit it. Only...it wasn't the Jolly Rancher.
It was a nodule of gonorrhea.
As in, the blister-like structure that gonorrhea makes filled with diseased pus was the size of a fucking Jolly Rancher and the poor guy BIT it. I guess it was really dark in the room. He freaked out and started vomiting all over the place when it exploded in his mouth...
He demanded to know what was going on, turns out she had cheated on him at a club like, the first week of college, and fucked some random guy and the stupid bitch had no clue what was wrong with her. She noticed a strange smell though.
So now, Steve is freaking out that he now has gonorrhea of the mouth and God knows what else."
EDIT: FORMATING
Bloodsparce: Not so Jolly now are ya!?
Jellyman64: Read that with an Irish accent. Wow. Fitting.
Bloodsparce: Now speaking of fitting...
| 7 | 11.142857 | |
1349207998 | 1349231598 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | [deleted]: TIFU and sent abusive messages to the person who was set to return my phone back to me
I am an absolute idiot. This morning I was out waiting for the bus when I realised my phone and bus pass were missing from my pockets. Remembering that I did definitely bring them with me, I looked around far and wide and backtraced my steps to see where they could have dropped onto the floor. Unfortunately, I could not find either one.
Without my bus pass, I was unable to travel to college so I walked back home to stick around until I would go to the afternoon classes. Meanwhile, having installed the application 'Find My iPhone' on my phone, I logged into the site to locate where it was. On a map, I saw it gradually move towards another town in the area, which I assumed was because of some dude picking it up and taking it with them on their travels.
For some reason, prejudices took over and I assumed this person to be a rapscallion of low merit, having took my iPhone to mess around with, send bad texts, frape my Facebook, etc (everything was on there).
So, first, I made it play a sound a couple of times. No idea what the sound is, having never experimented with 'Find My iPhone' to see for myself.
And then I sent around three abusive messages. The phone's tracker was leading into the town of 'Ashton', so I sent "Ashton? More like Trashton, am I right". I also sent "OH GOD I'M COMING ALIVE" and "STEVE JOBS DIDN'T ANTICIPATE THIS". At this point, I imagined the lollygagger would be scared to death of the iPhone's apparent gain of sentience, his shaking hands struggling to grip the phone as he sat on the bus in a pale tone.
In actuality, it was a nice tradesman named Wayne, who had just called my phone provider moments before to report the lost phone. At the end of my campaign of terror, I remotely erased the thing so he wouldn't post silly comments on my Reddit account, again adhering to prejudices.
I received a call this evening from my phone provider telling me about Wayne and giving me his number so we could arrange a collection. And I knew then how big of a mistake I had made. Called Wayne, seemed nice, told me where to get my phone and to come quickly as he had a task to get to.
Got there, found his van and his young assistant gave me my phone back, with the greatest stare of disapproval I had ever been given. I couldn't believe how much of an asshole I was and how fantastic they were for giving me back the phone even after my prior communications. It was a very bad move that I had committed and I had definitely learned lessons coming out of today.
**Moral of the story:** Don't assume the worst out of strangers
[deleted]: *How do we know this really isn't Wayne posting things from OP's account?*
[deleted]: `Ssshhh, keep quiet bro. I don't want him to find out when he gets on his computer.`
frenchfrieskl: Oh Wayne...
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1349219747 | 1349302055 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | galtor2: TIFU: Quit my professional job without other lined up.
Apparently the greatest mistake you can make in 2012/modern times is quit your job. At least that is what I felt like. I thought about quitting for 2 years. And yet there were several dozen people told me to do otherwise. Even the Internet is against me on this one. But I did it. And every thought in my head said this was the right move. I literally would rather live on the streets and die than continue where I was. I still have money saved up and my family would help me out (I am 30+ and WAS pulling in about 90k)
I guess I am the type that would run away than man up and face conflict. In my mind, why go through the hassle, just leave.
Anyway, TIFU. sort of. We aren't slaves dammit. I wanted to live and not under the complete control of some company!!!
MadDrMatt: Why didn't you interview for and find a new job in those two years you though about leaving?
galtor2: I was working 12 hour days, didn't have time.
MadDrMatt: No wonder you quit. That sucks, man!
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1349226463 | 1349283730 | null | t5_2to41 | 519 | PugnaciousJay: TIFU by complaining on the elevator.
Earlier today I got on a crowded elevator in my residence hall with one of my roommates. We were the last ones on, and there were about ten other people standing behind us as the elevator began to ascend. The elevator then stopped on the second floor, much to my dismay. I turned to my roommate and quietly said "Goddammit, who the fuck takes the elevator to the second floor". Though I didn't intend for anyone to hear it but him, I must have been louder than I thought. From behind me, I heard a girl's voice timidly say, "me". I turned around and saw the girl who had said it. She had a broken leg and was struggling to hobble out of the elevator on her crutches. Fuck me. Everyone gave me quite a look after she got off.
Satafly: In my experience a quick "Holy shit I'm so sorry!" generally clears things up
i_am_sad: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?
Z0bie: [Best greentext ever](http://i.imgur.com/3YdJs.jpg).
yogurtraisins: Just broke into fits of laughter and my flatmate sitting on the couch looked at me confused. I tried to explain I was giggling at something on the internet and I have a habit of looking crazy when I do that. Then I looked back at the computer, re-read the greentext and burst out laughing again. I think she's afraid of me now.
Ronry: I burst out lagging in class. Luckily, this sort of phenomena is considered normal for me.
ReginaPutana: You become insulation used to hinder heat diffusion. That doesn't sounds normal to me.
Ronry: I like this reply too much to edit my previous comment.
glassex: Thank you.
| 9 | 57.666667 | |
1349236790 | 1349657588 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Quwerkygirl: TIFU: Dropping my iPad down the toilet
Well I was going to the toilet whilst browsing reddit and I was thinking about just putting my iPad on the floor, pulling down my pants and peeing. But no I didn't do that and so I put it under my chin and held it there pushing it against my neck and under my chin but as I pulled down my pants the iPad slipped out of my grasp (which my chin was holding) and it fell directly into the toilet and with my pants half down I snatched it out of the toilet and grabbed wads of toilet paper and tried to dry it off and reddit was no longer on the screen. I was afraid of having a broken iPad that my mum got me for my birthday not long ago.
It still works but keep in mind that there was nothing inside of the water when it fell in so it's clean just wet.
Oh the shame.
Quwerkygirl: I typed this story with my iPad so it's fine
enigmatik58: then you didn't really fuck up that bad, did you?
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1349245053 | 1349259523 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | Protoman_Eats_Babies: TIFU: I'm an accidental racist (with cats!)
My cat came up to me, and demands to be greeted by his name, so I did, like any other day, except today I decided to actually think about my cat's name for the first time. He is a *black* Persian/Siamese mix.
And as a kid, I named him *Spook.*
Now I understand why my parents put so much into calling him Spooky more often.
(The intention was that he looked like a Halloween cat, and halloween is spooky, but I made his proper name spook.)
malvoliosf: Uh, not racist.
lethalweapon100: Wat
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1349280125 | 1349283073 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | critter96: TIFU
thelazt1: how do you fuck up peanut butter
critter96: im not sure i was just bored
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1349282254 | 1349467954 | null | t5_2to41 | 369 | [deleted]: TIFU by insulting a little person
I am a background investigator and have to conduct national security/public trust interviews with people being considered for government jobs. This is usually done at a government/contractor office where the person was just hired, but in some cases they haven't started the job yet, so we have to do the interview at a library. Today I had an interview at a library I'd never been to before. It turns out the staff there would not agree to let me use the meeting room, so I had to run around looking for a place to sit in a quiet corner or something. The library was packed so when the person I had to interview finally showed up, I was standing by the only available table - a toddler table in the children's section. He's a little person. I didn't know.
Once I saw the look he gave me and heard his exasperated "Great," I realized IFU and we ended up wandering the library for another 10 minutes until we found a regular sized table. I know he thinks I did it intentionally, and I didn't even apologize because I was afraid that would be admitting fault that I deliberately chose the comically small seating area just for him.
SmallManBigMouth: haha! dwarf here. If he is still that sensitive he's "gonna have a bad time" in every situation. I think its easy to recognize people's intentions.My friends joke with me all the time and I genuinely find it funny. Plus it builds confidence, and that leads to blow-jays.
*edit: I accidentally a word
miss_kitty_cat: >that leads to blow-jays.
With a mouth that size and you exactly the right height .... I'm not surprised!
SmallManBigMouth: awww... burn! hahaha! have an upvote on me.
miss_kitty_cat: I think I got downvoted for making fun of a dwarf. Just means I'm an equal-opportunity bitch :)
Besides - as I post every opportunity I get - [I think tiny men are hot](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/10q85w/ok_reddit_heres_a_question_what_is_one_thing_that/c6gdnat?context=4). Though I get downvoted for that, too.
SmallManBigMouth: Keep the faith, I just upvoted you ;)
| 6 | 61.5 | |
1349292512 | 1349308710 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | Tiskettasket: TIFU trying to close the gate to the dumpster at work.
So there is a metal/wooden gate that hides our dumpster area from public view. Well the business' we share the dumpster with left the gate open as well as a hot mess so I went to close the gate. Problem is it was stuck open. So I'm shoving against it with all my weight as well as trying to lift it from the concrete and suddenly I feel my ankle roll. I scream some kind of guttural fuck shit combo. Stop for a moment, hit the door with my palm. Decide FU door, you're closing and that's that. I then proceed to drag it shut on one foot, knocking out a few of the bottom wooden bits in the process. I'd say the dumpster and I tied. Though my ankle's still swollen and throbbing and I still have 2 more 8 hour shifts standing between me and a day off.
Fuck you business that leaves big messes for others to find and dumpster doors wide open!
squee777: Honestly don't exert yourself to the point where you may injure yourself on the job. I'm sure your boss might agree, as he/she would have to pay workers comp if you injured yourself, as well as chewed you out for injuring yourself doing something you shouldn't.
Tiskettasket: That's the thing we're supposed to make sure that the doors are closed at all times and that the dumpster area is clean or else we can get in huge trouble. It's just funny that it was wedged open is all.
squee777: What about reporting the neighboring business? If it is their responsibility as well, they should make sure of the same thing as you guys.
| 4 | 6 | |
1349307819 | 1349315483 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | SpaceMannequin: TIFU by getting my license plate revoked.
I had my car insurance insurance payment coming out of my account automatically every month. Apparently I was short on cash one month so the money didn't go through. My mail was going to my dad's house but I spent most of the summer with my mom since it was closer to where I worked. Well, I was back at my dad's going through my mail once school started back and I saw some letters. It turns out the insurance company sent me a letter, and then the DMV sent me a letter, and by the time I read them it was too late to pay the fine. They said I could set up a phone hearing so I did, and that ended with me still having to turn in my license for 30 days. Not sure how I'm going to get to work or school tomorrow and I'm worried about losing my job.
On the bright side, I was planning to quit the job anyway, but not like this.
notinbtshado: i see this more as your dad fucking up... he couldnt tell you that you had mail?
mook234: how was his dad suppose to know it didn't get paid
notinbtshado: thats irrelevant... ops dad should have informed him of his mail...
mook234: that's true but I mean if you were somewhere else would you think the mail was terribly important when the bill is usually paid automatically with no problems
notinbtshado: if i got a letter from the dmv... id think it was important...
mook234: mm I guess you're right..
| 7 | 7.285714 | |
1349322761 | 1349384427 | null | t5_2to41 | 126 | ATKDragon: TIFU by eating sun flower seeds whole, along with the shells.
Actually, I ate them yesterday, but I'm paying for it today. I've always ate them whole cuz that's how I started eating them as a child (self taught), but yesterday I ate a whole bag which I guess I've never done before. I've never had so much blood on my toilet paper before. I could see the shells in my stools if I looked close enough. Literally felt like thorns on the way out.
HAE experienced this?
ravia: See a doctor. Internal bleeding is dangerous. You have a danger of developing sepsis, a pretty much lethal condition if untreated. Don't fool around with blood in your stool.
ATKDragon: It stopped and I haven't had any pain so I think I'll be okay. I read some where that dark red blood in your stool is what you gotta worry about.
ravia: Dark red, more even blackish. Also: if your system shuts down and you stop going. If it's bright red, I think it's just near the rectum or something. Just...be on guard.
ATKDragon: Thanks buddy
ravia: Well looking over my comment it's not as though near the rectum is nothing,but you can get bleeding just from a passing a big turd. The best rule of thumb is to check it out I think. But I was imagining that red blood with the stool peppered with sharp sunflower seeds would indicate a scratching situation, but again, the danger of a hole may be there anyways, and that means sepsis.
| 6 | 21 | |
1349342859 | 1349541392 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | ballisticks: TIFU a university unit
Actually I fucked up a couple weeks ago.
I'm a second-year English university student. I'm on exchange in Australia for my first semester of the second year. One of my units is Cisco's CCNA1 & 2. I failed to attend the mid-semester exam (stupid mistake, I forgot it was on), and I only scored 57% in the resit (pass mark is 60%)
BUT, the midsemester test is kind of a "gateway" to passing the unit, i.e. failed mid-semester test = failed entire unit
TL;DR - failed CCNA mid-semester test, and fucked up entire unit.
wztnaes: This is one thing I'll never understand. How does anyone forget they have an exam?!
[deleted]: I can't understand it either. Or how people can not read the unit outline. Or a classic one, 'I didn't know any of that test...' while I stand there thinking, I haven't seen you all term. . .
I'm sure OP isn't one of those people though. :D
ballisticks: I had read the unit outline, I was just being immensely stupid.
[deleted]: Haha get your shit together man!
No, I can sympathise with that. Sometimes you are just having an off week etc.
ballisticks: Indeed. It was one of the offest weeks I've had in quite a while.
[deleted]: There is only one way to go from here... Up. :-D
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1349344756 | 1349370176 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | CapnToker: TIFU by leaving my resume where my boss could find it.
I'm currently considering getting a new job and I used my work computer to print out a very nice resume that I spent a lot of time on. The first copy that printed I didn't like so I set it on top of the shredder to shred before I left work but didn't realize until I got home that I forgot it. She hasn't said anything to me about it...
[deleted]: Sounds like you are imagining some What-Ifs. Who is to say that your boss is going to look at the shredder before she leaves? Sounds like are worrying about nothing honestly. Also, there isn't anything wrong or suspicious about having an up to date resume.
CapnToker: Well she was the one who shredded it but you're right she might not have seen it. I've been with them for 4 years and never made any indication that I might consider a new job so I'm sure if she saw it she's suspicious and she isn't the kind to confront me about it. At the same time I hope she did see it and realizes I'm not happy here anymore. Although that can go good or bad.
CatastropheJohn: I was going to say this. It might be beneficial to you in a roundabout way. You may get a pay raise or a new perk if they know you're unhappy there now.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1349346214 | 1349438279 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | imessedupsobad: TIFU I camwhored and didn't get paid. I let my desperation get the best of me.
After 3 years of job searching and applying with no luck, I decided to cam whore myself to an anon on 4chan. Yeah, it's already bad. But he seemed legit and I hoped he'd pay me afterwards like he said he would. And he didn't. I'm really hitting rock bottom. :/
All I was trying to do was earn money so I could buy my child gifts this Christmas. But that didn't work out too well did it? :(
balancedhighs: Wh-wh-wh-wh-what?
Oh my god. Number one, don't trust anyone on 4Chan. **EVER**. Number two, when exchanging goods or services, the provider of said goods or services is usually in the position of power, so you should have demanded cash up front. Number three, you have a long time until Christmas, you should really think about your money making options in further detail, if you're that strapped for cash, do a paper round, do odd jobs for old people, apply for every night job in the area (you can exchange babysitting with other parents for baby sitting). Apply to local businesses even if they aren't advertising and tell them that you are ready and willing to work.
Good luck!
imessedupsobad: :( I messed up really bad. I've been applying every where and it's been on going for 3 years. I've grown so depressed over it I'm starting to give up and I've been contemplating suicide. Im in a dark place in my life and I feel ready to end it all honestly. My daughter will be better off without me anyways.
balancedhighs: Are you kidding me? You're a great Mom. You care. That's all that matters. Nobody can blame you if you try your hardest. I can't even imagine what you're going through, and I wouldn't even pretend to know what to say, but hopefully somewhere here might, have a rant, vent all of your frustration, trust me, it will help:- www.reddit.com/r/suicidewatch.
Your daughter loves and needs her Mommy and the world still needs you. Don't give up.
Edit: I believe in you too.
imessedupsobad: I'm horrible. :( I really have hit bottom. I'm one step away from actually whoring myself because I can't even support my own kid. I just want to die.
balancedhighs: Ok, I'm back.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
This is taken from the SuicideWatch Subreddit. I don't know what country you are in, but a quick google search will give you some useful helpline numbers.
Is there anyone in your life you can talk to at the moment? Face to Face?
trouphaz: Did you hear anything back from the OP?
balancedhighs: No. I'm really hoping I just got trolled rather than anything terrible happening. But there's nothing I can do, it was a throwaway account....
trouphaz: Me too.
| 9 | 11.666667 | |
1349354912 | 1349374906 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being sick
so I was really sick the last two days I had to call off work. (I was throwing up a lot) my boss didn't believe me so he fired me and well now I need a new job and that isn't easy so I totally fucked up by my boss being a asshole.
prussianiron: I'm pretty sure that's illegal. I would call back and calmly explain that you were actually sick and ask for it back. If he refuses, I would lawyer up and sue.
aaylasecura: I agree, but I don't think its worth it to "lawyer up." My bf got fired from his job of 3 years for being at one of his best friends funerals even after being excused. Corporations man. He did file a repeal but of course it went no where. Shit happens and it sounds like he needs a new job anyway.
prussianiron: Really? He could make a LOT of money from a lawsuit potentially. Obviously a consultation is needed first, but especially if it's difficult to find another job (especially since they'll be calling his now ex-boss and be told that he uses excuses to get out of working), I think a lawsuit could definitely pay off.
Plus if he has a good case against them, they could settle outside of court and he could make a good sum.
Like the username by the way.
Naptowner: You're not going to make a lot of money from a lawsuit like this. Even if you're entitled to recover for wrongful termination, you're usually only entitled to recover lost wages, attorney's fees (which don't get you anything) and possibly punitive damages equal to the lost wages. But you're also going to have to show you've made reasonable efforts to find work. Unless you have an extended period of unemployment you're not going to get much out of a lawsuit like this.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1349361768 | 1358356360 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,198 | WunderOwl: TIFU It's not casual friday, in fact it's not friday at all
but I'm trying to pull it off
Update (12:47pm): One of my coworkers gave me a "Jeans today huh?" Which I responded to with a firm, "Yep." and kept walking. Hiding in my cubical seems to be the safest option.
Update (3:42pm): For anyone still with me I have decided to go all in on the confident "I'll wear jeans if I want" angle and my coworkers have seemed to accept it.
End of day update: [how I felt walking out of the office](http://i.imgur.com/9WbAL.gif)
StormySan: This is why I am so, so glad I now work in an office that doesn't care what the hell I wear.
radonchong: It's actually weird to me that people have to worry about this stuff as much as they do. I don't have to try very hard to be better dressed than 50% of the people here.
Keasby_Knight: I wear jeans and band t-shirts every day. Boom.
vegstipation: jeans, t shirt & flip flops
[deleted]: This thread is going to cause a mass suicide over at r/mfa
[deleted]: I actually had a buddy of mine tell me I wasn't ever gonna get laid because I wear sneakers...
people wear sneakers still, right?
STEVE_H0LT: Nah. Nice brown shoes will go a long way man. Unless people are dressing in suits, that is. Then black is a go.
[deleted]: Fuck, I quit life
aitigie: You can still wear the brown ones with a suit, just not a black one.
Atald: And you shouldn't really wear a black suit all that often apart from funerals.
Dat_Karmavore: BLACK IS FOR ANYTHING FORMAL CUNT
Atald: A black suit is as formal as it can get.
Dat_Karmavore: Black tux.
| 14 | 85.571429 | |
1349372241 | 1349441793 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | critter96: TIFU:By smoking salt
I was siiting on my couch playing with myself when i decided i wanted to get high well i go to my stash it was empty so i go look in my cabnet and saw the salt so i packed me a pipe and started to smoke it well it got me high but you will only do it once because it felt like someone was cutting my throwt with a razor blade thank god it only lasts for a few seconds i drunk so much water and i cried it hurt so bad then i lost my hard on and couldnt get it back
Stoned_Turtles: lol wtf i thought you were joking when you told me about this
critter96: im not
Stoned_Turtles: i am motherfucker
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1349381050 | 1349439128 | null | t5_2to41 | 451 | RaptorGoRawr: TIFU by setting my house on fire with my vibrator.
So I work the overnight shift doing tech support and got off work this morning and decided to take care of some needs before going to sleep.
I use a Hitachi Magic Wand that plugs into the wall (who needs batteries?) and did the deed then rolled over and went to sleep.
At some point I must have rolled onto the wand weird and the next thing you know I hear a "POP!" and feek a burning sensation on my arm, which needless to say woke me up. There I am, almost naked watching sparks shoot out of the wand where it connects to the cord and also the wall socket.
I quickly throw the damn thing off the bed and pull it out of the wall socket but I can see small flames starting in the wall socket. I quickly stumble into the kitchen (right next to my room) and grab the baking soda and dump it in/on the wall socket which luckily puts it out.
I then discover however that this has fried the electrical stuff in the laundry room and my bedroom and bathroom. No amount of flipping the breaker is going to fix this one so now I get to come up with some story to explain to my landlord why I need an electrician out there.
TIFU
TrendyCrude: Could have been worse. It could have malfunctioned earlier, when it (and you) was, ahem, 'in use.' Shocking.
RaptorGoRawr: Oh God, I don't even want to picture that.....
TrendyCrude: You are officially tagged as Literally Firecrotch now.
RaptorGoRawr: Not sure if proud or ashamed....
TrendyCrude: Wear that [freak flag proudly](http://imgur.com/etVUe) dammit!
Mech1: WHAT in the actual fuck is that?
TrendyCrude: The first thing that came to mind when associating firecrotch + freak flag, of course. What do YOU think of?
Mech1: Please tell me you had to search for that, and didn't have it saved to your computer saving it for times when traumatizing people seems appropriate.
TrendyCrude: [Of course I did](http://imgur.com/QAaDy) baby!
Mech1: That one is even more disturbing.
TrendyCrude: Aww thanks. I [feel like a little kid again!](http://imgur.com/FA2rS)
Mech1: I have you tagged as 'HIS LINKS STAY BLUE'. By the way you got my kid with that as well, she was looking over my shoulder, she threw away her clown toy and won't go near my computer anymore.
DeathHaze420: One could argue that he just saved your ass hahaha. I have him tagged as 'Oh so punny'.
Mech1: Normally I show her the cute kittens and what not from r/aww but now she won't come anywhere near my computer, oh well I guess nsfw links won't require a look around anymore.
| 15 | 30.066667 | |
1349395250 | 1349632880 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by correcting a gas station's spelling
For a few months now I have noticed that the gas station that I go to after work misspells the word heights, they spell it hieghts on their receipts. I finally got enough nerve to alert them of their error.
Big mistake.
I told the cashier of the error when she handed me my receipt. She grabbed it back and looked at it. Then she screamed in a language I do not know.
Some older man ran out from the back room and starting yelling at the cashier. It got pretty heated. I did not understand much of what they were saying but I did make out "you leave here"
So I left. I guess I will just fill up before I go to work from now on.
marzolian: I'd keep going back to the same place, just to see if the same people are still working there.
[deleted]: It is family owned and operated. I think it was the father/owner and daughter/cashier that night. Hope I didn't spark a family feud.
Obsolite_Processor: You don't spark a feud like that. The feud already existed and you just triggered an episode at worst.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1349402299 | 1349407749 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | noahward4: TIFU by giving jersey shore a second chance.
[deleted]: Hey, it's ok. We all make mistakes. Just don't do like MTV and keep repeating them.
Jellyman64: You know, a popular phrase around here is that *people who do the same things over and over again and expect different results are crazy*, or something to that degree. It fits here, gentlemen.
SpacedWizard: The definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviors expecting different results.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1349400850 | 1349513538 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | aroondeep: TIFU trying to fix my laptop
The WiFi in my Samsung laptop suddenly stopped working, with the network connection being stuck at "Indentifying...". So after trying and messing up the network settings, I finally decided to reinstall Windows. This wouldn't be a huge loss, since I got the laptop only the previous day, and nothing was installed except for Chrome. I put in the recovery disk and there were two options: Upgrade and Custom. I chose custom, because Upgrade would not change anything (I had done it before) and installed Windows 7 in the C partition (the only one, the other two were the hidden partition for recovery and the system reserved drive).
Well, it turns out that a new, CLEAN version of Windows 7 had been installed. NOTHING was still there. It was no longer the version customised by Samsung. ALL the drivers were gone. I mean, everything. Including the internet connection ones, the NVIDIA graphic card ones, the sound card, EVERYTHING. Even the startup resolution was messed up.
Finally, I have had to give it to the IT guys in my office, who are known to fix these kind of things. Waiting (im)patiently.
TIFU, reddit. TIFU.
Erikster: You didn't get a CD from Samsung with all of the drivers?
aroondeep: Not really, got a recovery disk with the OS, nothing else.
Ghost17088: What is the point of that?
aroondeep: $$$.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1349402686 | 1349465636 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | EziosEpic: TIFU by telling a friend about a girl I like.
Today, I decided to tell one of my life long friends (Let's call him Mike) about a girl (Call her Jess) which I had liked for two years (BTW if you say something about why did i not ask her out earlier, i'm kind of chubby) Anyway, I told him about her, how long I liked her, the whole nine yards. I then tell him if you says something, i will not be his best friend anymore (He was one of the weird kids in class.) He says okay and we go back to our work. Fast forward to computer class. We are chatting on gmail and I'm talking with Mike and Jess. He leaves the chat and I look over and he invites her to another chat I go on, pretending that i'm not looking at his screen. He talks to her and asks "Do you like EziosEpic?" I want to tell him to stop but if I do he will freak out (He likes privacy). She replies "No, we are just friends." I'm hurt by that. He suddenly types "Well, he likes you." and he presses enter before I hit him. He looks at me and smiles evilly. Her friends look at her screen, point at me and giggle. She looks at me and mouths "What?". I push Mike out of his chair and he hits his head on the floor, knocking him out. I get taken to the principal's office and get a write-up. I haven't talked to Jess since.
BlackPresident: The cat's out of the bag now. Go ask her out. There will be a lot of pressure from her point to say no to avoid an embarrassing situation but just ask to meet her alone and apologize for your dick friend, restate that you like her and want to go on a date.
Have the date in mind, something very specific, during the day and only for a few hours then follow it up with a second.
EziosEpic: Thanks i'll try that Monday. I don't see her over the weekends.
| 3 | 1 | |
1349412469 | 1349467361 | t3_10z3pq | t5_2to41 | 116 | Skylarity: Sorry, but it's "wear".
wanabeswordsman: Give the guy a break, he juggles friggin' chainsaws! He was probably juggling them while typing that comment. What've YOU been doing with YOUR life, huh? Posting on Reddit while *not* juggling chainsaws, that's what.
Full_Of_Win: Shut up you smooth poser. You'll never be a proper swordsman!
A_plural_singularity: Well we can't all be full of win.
Skylarity: Well, we can't all be a plural singularity. ^^Because ^^*that's* ^^impossible.
[deleted]: The Skylarity of the situation is actually fully of hilarity.
*Hardy har-har...*
calafragilistic: That comment made me wet.
SubjectOgre: Super comment Calafragilistic, but Expialidocious?
truestoryrealtalk: I told you I didn't want to talk about that subject you ogre.
Stryxic: I have no choice but to accept that it really must be a painful subject, after all, it is as true story, and that was real talk.
dragoninja24: You honest person!!! DUHN DUHN DUNH DUNH
| 11 | 10.545455 | |
1349429638 | 1349429888 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | tudayaifakap: TIFU by telling my mother she's gay
My brother's cakeday is today and I texted him earlier this morning "Today is the world's gay day but the officiant is yet to wake up", which is supposed to lead to me wishing him birthday. Accidentally, I keyed in my mother's number, instead of my brother's. And now, my mom, being the typical religious person, is getting mad at me.
[deleted]: r/13yearoldproblems
tudayaifakap: haha funny but im not a 13 years old. not anymore. i wish i am a 13 yo tho
| 3 | 2 | |
1349456826 | 1349494755 | null | t5_2to41 | 87 | actuallycheetah: TIFU by dropping a fresh Domino's pizza in a cobweb.
Last night, I was home alone and thought Domino's was a good idea. After paying the delivery driver and closing the door, I bump into the wall and the pizza box goes flying, opens up, and the pizza plummets face down into a cobweb that was growing in the corner next to the stairs. I shit you not. I then had to clean off the pizza before every bite. I even saw cat hair on some of the pieces, and I haven't had a cat in 3 years.
Jizz_Khalifa: Your biggest fuck up was eating the pizza...
actuallycheetah: You mean to tell me you would spend $10 on a pizza and NOT eat it? I'm not made of money!
danamos: Enjoy your spider eggs and ghost feces.
Tyranichomp: Best. Comment. Ever.
| 5 | 17.4 | |
1349461534 | 1349485941 | null | t5_2to41 | 804 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a hefty dose of pure molly (MDMA) and I forgot I have to go to work in 2 hours... As a server.
I'm rolling my ass off and my pupils are enormous. I forgot I picked up a shift for a coworker and I'll be serving a party of 30 people in just a few hours.... Shit. Too bad I can't wear shades at work.
Tack122: Tell them you went to the eye doctor earlier I guess.
pilvy: Is there anything an eye doctor does that would make your pupils dilate though?
Tack122: Yes, they quite often dilate your pupils with eye drops in order to see your retina more effectively.
pilvy: Thank you for answering!
Also thanks to whoever downvoted someone asking a genuine question. (Never been to an eye doctor myself).
aaylasecura: You should go to the eye doctor
Sean1708: Is an eye doctor the same thing as an optician?
NCSU_SOG: An optician is the person who sells the glasses or works on the glasses. The Optometrist is the eye doctor and an Ophthalmologist is an MD eye doctor.
Source: I am an optician.
Kozimix: MD eye doctor = Medical doctor eye doctor?
Skylarity: DoR Department.
| 10 | 80.4 | |
1349461657 | 1349499696 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | crazysoundsgood: TIFU by waking up 2.5 hours late for work.
I work in New York City which is about 45 minutes away from where I live. My work starts at 9, I woke up at 10:33.
And it was to be a particularly busy day.
GeneticDream: But you're there now on Reddit?
crazysoundsgood: had to go to a bs quarterly meeting.... couldnt work anyway
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1349489983 | 1350201637 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | 17Hongo: TIFU by screwing things up with a girl at a bar. Yeah - that.
I'm sure we've all been there. This subreddit is one that names itself as "a subreddit for the dumbass in all of us", and I'm certain that many of us are at the peak of our dumbassery when presented with the combination of alcohol and an attractive member of the opposite sex. Honestly, I need someone to hear this, because today, reddit, I fucked up bad.
So I was at this bar. The bar itself doesn't matter, but there was alcohol, there was dancing, and, yes, there were girls. Me and my mates were dancing (or at least trying to), and having a good, drunken time. And then this girl comes up to me. And this is no ordinary girl. This is a hot girl. A girl wearing a blouse cut down to there. You didn't see the top of the boobs here - you saw the inside of the boobs. And what boobs they were. Michaelangelo himself never sculpted such perfect, proud, supple orbs as hung before me less than an hour ago. Bottom line, I suppose - the girl looked fucking good. She leans in close, so that her hair brushes my cheek, and whispers "Do you like *Star Wars*?". An unusual opening, but, I'm a fairly nerdy guy, and I look it, so I went with that.
Now, I enjoy *Star Wars* immensely. It is a great piece of cinema, and, while I maintain that better films have certainly been made, I also maintain that *Star Wars* is the greatest Sci-Fi adaptation for a screen of any size; and that's including *Starship Troopers* and *Firefly*.
So I mumble "Yeah - I like *Star Wars*(What else would I have said?) . Then she leans in even closer, and by now those incredible breasts are brushing me, and making me think of pearly gates, and whispers "I could be your Princess Leia".
Well shit. She even got the right trilogy. Unfortunately, my brain has decided to do [this](http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3r82m5/). So I can't rely on that little fucker anymore.
What then followed was about thirty seconds of silence, while I attempted to remaster the art of moving my lips and tongue. Finally, after what felt like a period of time that the dinosaurs would have been proud to survive, I manage to mumble out "Well, I'm a little lost for words". Well that went down like the Titanic. She turned around and walked off. I can't say I blame her. She wasn't looking to talk much.
I should explain why screwing this up was worthy of this subreddit. I'm not an attractive guy. I'm a thin wristed, narrow shouldered nerd, and, as I've said before, I look it. Women that look like that girl did do not approach me. Even the ones who know me do not approach me. I'm not popular with women, and I have no idea what to say to them, even when I'm sober. I'm still somewhat miffed at my masterclass in supreme idiocy, as you can tell, but I'm still unsure of whether or not the girl was really interested. As I said, I'm not exactly a heartthrob, with looks or words.
MOSh_EISLEY: For the past few months I've been single for the first time in a few years, and have also had girls way out of my league approach me at bars. None of them ever really manifested into anything significant, but at the end of the day I can pride myself on knowing that I am the type of guy that girls will want to go up and talk to. Same goes for you bud, better luck next time!!
thehero29: I'm in a similar situation. Been single since July for the first time in 3 years. I've never been the most attractive or charming guy. Missed my chance with a lot of hotties, hell, I've had many Ted Mosby moments. But last night I had a goddess at my place. 5'11, drop dead gorgeous, all the same interests as me, and enthusiastic as all hell.It was a glorious night, and we've already made plans for another date, this time actually doing something outside the apartment, so its actually going somewhere more than sex. Add that to 2 other dates I have this weekend. OP, your time will come.
MOSh_EISLEY: 3 dates in one weekend! Good work man, how did you meet them? Bars, friends of friends?
thehero29: 2 on okc, 1 on pof. One date got cancelled due to it not being payday for me. So it's rescheduled to next week. Had the one date today, went really good, after the girl I have the date with Sunday texted me to come over, just got home from that, and she's taking me to a movie Sunday since I'm poor. Fuck did I luck out. I'm focusing more on the one I just got home from. She's the total package.
MOSh_EISLEY: I must say, I envy you sir. May the skies rain pussy juice for you my friend.
thehero29: Hell, this is the kind of thing that never happens to me. Maybe girls just really like older guys, and 30 is the magical number when things get good. Hold out, good things really do seem to come to those who wait.
| 7 | 3 | |
1349469542 | 1349497768 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by spoiling Breaking Bad for a friend
Well, last night actually. Obviously Breaking Bad spoilers ahead.
My buddy and I decided to grab a nice bottle of scotch, as has become a weekly tradition between us. When buying the bottle we ran into my neighbor so we decided to head back to his place for a few drinks. Back at my neighbors were a few other people as well. So, after many glasses of scotch, we start talking about Breaking Bad. I decide to bring up [this](http://www.reddit.com/tb/10xv7q) theory. Beforehand, I ask "so everyone's all caught up, right?". My scotch buddy goes "everything except for season 5". I think, "oh, cool. so I can talk about this." So here I am, going "he kills Gus, then drives the Volvo. He kills Mike, so he drinks his drink. Skyler does the bac-" and my scotch buddy goes, "Wait. He kills Mike?". My face melts. I'm like "FUCK! FUCK!" because in my drunk head I was thinking that happened at the end of season 4. Everyone is like "you fucking idiot, that was a couple weeks ago!". But it felt like forever ago to me, plus I drank like half a bottle of scotch. The rest of the night was everyone talking about all the other times I've fucked up, like accidentally unplugging the Playstation during a boss battle. It went from a great night to an embarrassing one rather quickly. Hopefully my buddy was as drunk as I was and won't remember, but somehow I doubt it.. I would be so pissed if someone spoiled that for me, I hope he can forgive me.
Quwerkygirl: I did the same and my friend was crushed when I told her the end of Harry potter deathly hallows prt2
Brisaster: That's not nearly as bad as spoiling Breaking Bad. Trust me.
| 3 | 6 | |
1349491101 | 1349507169 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by rushing a public restroom poop session.
This is a long story, there is a TL;DR at the bottom. Let me start off by saying that I am a senior in college, and generally I avoid pooping in public restrooms like I avoid watching episodes of Jersey Shore. However, with 4 hour gaps between classes, my body rebels and betrays me.
So I walk into the public restroom in the building I was in and immediately I am greeted by the smell of fresh crap. Some guy is in the handicap stall. Because I hate pooping in public, I stand at a urinal, unable to force any pee out because God blessed me with shy bladder syndrome. The toilet flushes and the unidentified stranger leaves without washing his hands. The time is ripe.
I chose this bathroom because it is tucked away in the middle of fucking nowhere, so it is usually less used. I enter the only other stall because the stench of crap from the other stall is absurd. Everything is going pretty well. Ship number one leaves the back bay without any trouble, and ship number two is on its way out. Here is where the details get a little bit gross. So poop number two got stuck. I pinched my asshole repeatedly and did the ass-shake move to try to rock it off. The ass shake mostly worked, I heard a bit of a plop and figured I was fine. I normally wouldn't have rushed this process if I weren't mortified of someone coming into the bathroom.
Anyway, the deed is done and I grab some toilet paper to wipe. When I wipe, I am instantly greeted with a soft, mushy feeling. I clearly did not shake off even 1/4 of the clinger that had challenged me. The wad of toilet paper was covered in shit. So I grab more. A lot more. The college TP was, if anything, 1/2 ply paper, and it would tear and pulp up with every swipe. And what made it worse was my poop had been of such a peanutbuttery consistency that wiping was just spreading it all over the place. No amount of wiping was helping.
I spent the better part of 30 minutes wiping and flushing the toilet without interruption before I felt I had pretty much did all I could. My asshole was killing me from being rubbed raw. I had shot all over my hands, which made getting my pants up and everything a pain. I wash my hands and dread going to my next class, because I feel like I might have a shit smell to me or maybe I didn't get it all. The idea to get flushable wipes hits me, because I have read about how clean they make your ass on Reddit.
Fast forwarding, I am at the checkout line at Walmart with a box of flushable wipes. It's the express lane, and of course some bitch ahead of me is buying the max number of items and suddenly can't find which pre-paid debit card has enough money to pay for everything. My turn comes up and I am seriously late for class. The flushable wipes, apparently, had no barcode, and they refused to sell them to me.
This was it. I had to get to class ASAP, which meant I couldn't get the wipes until after class. I really couldn't afford to miss class, either, because there was a paper due that I had to hand in, and we only got 2 absences for the class. Throughout the class, the female students kept looking my way and giggling and whispering. I don't know if it was just me being paranoid or what, because I didn't smell anything, but I could have been used to it. The one thing that did work in my favor was that one girl opened a window, which unfortunately had 2 dumpsters outside of it, which invited the most horrific, rotten-ass, decaying food stench I have ever smelled. I only hope that they thought any smell from me was really from the dumpster the whole time.
**TL;DR: Covered myself in poop and had to go to class**
thebritface: You poor bastard.
AerateMark: I really like your take on it, you brilliant sir! Your comment was a work of art, you gorgeous beautiful person. [My reaction upon reading this](http://i.imgur.com/SUuXts.jpg)
thebritface: Are you following me? You keep commenting similar things and calling me sir. I'm a madame and I hate you.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1349502515 | 1350053122 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | TheTrouseredApe: TIFU by telling a wheelchair-bound man how nice the pool felt
I was swimming in the community pool by myself because it was a hot day. A wheelchair-bound man from the neighborhood rolls up on the other side of the fence. Being pleasant, I wave and say hello. He returns the wave and asks how I am. Not thinking at all about who I'm talking to, I reply, "Great! The pool feels really nice today!" He just looks at me for a few seconds then replies, "I'll bet." and rolls away.
Elfballer: I don't understand the issue.
thebritface: All I could imagine was Joe from family guy. He has a pool. But maybe the wheelchair man OP is talking about does not have a built upper body for swimming in the deep end. If he had a pool noodle he could use it to float and pretend like he's standing.
peachfuzzz: I feel bad that this comment made me laugh..
thebritface: Obviously we have a similar sense of humor. Nothing to feel bad about.
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1349531647 | 1349563165 | null | t5_2to41 | 412 | iwasfuuckedup: TIFU UPDATE: I took molly and went to work last night.
Ok... Lemme first off say I WAS FUCKED UP! Super irritated and feeling great at the same time, i got to work on time. My party came early and my table wasn't prepared. The hostess and I hustled our asses off to set the table up while they waited. The party went off without a hitch! I was making them laugh and they tipped me $200 dollars. After the party the come-down was hitting me hard, but I was still smiling. My coworker told me that she was creeped out by me cause I was smiling like "the joker" the jitters were hitting me strong and everytime I grabbed a dirty plate from a table my hands were shaking like crazy! Noone asked me about my eyes (thank god) although my boss asked me why I was so damn happy... A simple "i'm getting laid after work" worked just fine. I told one coworker what happened to me and she kept poking fun at me all night saying " i bet you need a blanket and a pacifier" but by the end of the night I was super pissed at the whole world and i was snapping at everyone. All in all I made $450 all night and it, for the most part, went well. BUT I AM NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN!!!! FUCK ROLLING AT WORK! TERRIBLE IDEA!
and for those that don't think that was pure molly... It was pretty damn close (I'm familiar with the drug)
I'm off to work again today to work a double, if you have any questions I will answer them on my smoke breaks.
Edit: I must add however that I drank A LOT of beer thursday night and my bowels were off the hook... About 9:30 last night I let out a fart that was more than a fart... Lets just say I worked the rest of the night without underwear.... TIL molly can make you shit yourself when you are running around for hours.
Edit 2: link http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1105va/tifu_by_taking_a_hefty_dose_of_pure_molly_mdma/
darkrock: MDMA is 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine. That's the stuff everyone wants.
everything else is a nickname; molly, rolls, x, ecstasy; all refer to MDMA. personally, i have only once gotten something other than MDMA. how do I know? I test everything using [DanceSafe complete adulterant screening](http://dancesafe.org/products/testing-kits/complete-adulterant-screening-kit-0) (it was probably aspirin or something like that; didn't know the guy)
doodlebro: Ecstasy and x are almost always cut with something, like an adulterant. Please make this distinction.
belhock: No, no it's not.
doodlebro: Yes, it is. Seriously, look it up. Pure MDMA, the molecule you "roll" on is referred to as molly. Ecstasy is literally always cut with an amphetamine of some sort or something as basic as aspirin. Seriously, how do so many people have this wrong?
belhock: Once again, no. Ecstasy once referred to pure MDMA but now is a general term for any "roll" or pill. Some are cut with other substances but there are also pills with MDxx being the only active chemical.
It is true that there is always something else in the pill, this is what we call a filler. A filler or binder is usually a compound that is typically harmless and is used to hold the pill together.
doodlebro: No, again. Ecstasy never referred to pure MDMA officially. Literally, find me a source that says so. It's not a filler or binder, it's cut for profit and to create variation.
FFS, where do you people think or hear this shit?
belhock: Okay, maybe it never referred to pure MDMA, that doesn't matter. And yes, it is a binder because that's how you make any pill.
[Look at this chart.](http://www.ecstasydata.org/stats.php#MDMA_Only) Here you can see that last year 82.7% of the time pills were not pure MDMA or none at all, while 17.3% were.
You're partially right, pills are often cut for profit and variation, but there are pills that are pure MDMA.
doodlebro: And this is why that 82.7% is referred to as ecstasy.
Thank you for proving my point.
belhock: The other 17.3% is referred to as ecstasy as well. It isn't talking about molly, it's talking about pills that contain only MDMA as the only active substance.
doodlebro: No. Again.
For fucks sake, it's not that hard.
Pure MDMA? MDMA or Molly.
Cut with something? Ecstasy or X.
The distinction is important, which is why we make it.
Seriously, take a step back and fucking think about it for 5 seconds. It's important.
belhock: I give up. We'll have to agree to disagree, fellow drug nerd.
doodlebro: Or you could use your brain and recognize that the distinction is important to be made. Don't argue, educate,
belhock: [Grrrrrrr](http://www.orangejuiceblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/rage.png)
RollJam: Think of it this way. Pure MDMA should be in powder form or look like a crystal. Anything that looks like a pill is Ecstasy. If it's pressed into a pill... t'aint pure.
RollJam: Well... not ANYTHING that looks a pill is ecstasy, but you get my point.
| 16 | 25.75 | |
1349542683 | 1349548703 | null | t5_2to41 | 128 | MidgetFetish: TIFU and turned my girl into a zombie
Things got hot and heavy, so I was on top making out with her. It had been a few minutes, I hadn't opened my eyes. She gently pushed me off and was like 'babe...". I open my eyes.
Holy shit, her face was smeared with blood. For who knows (and who would want to?) how long I had a bloody nose while neither of us had our eyes open. I noticed the kisses were a little more sloppy and she probably noticed the taste.
I am a lot more susceptible to nosebleeds when I am dehydrated and heating up.
I'm surprised as fuck she didn't freak out on me. Especially considering she probably ingested some of my blood. Gives me chills just typing it.
[deleted]: Oh... my word...
Pics? I doubt there are any...
MidgetFetish: Naaa there aren't lol
I was in panic mode cuz who the fuck is gonna stick around after that?
Not like "aye babe, I need some verification for some internet people, just hold still and put the washcloth down" lol
[deleted]: Ahh, well... if it happens again, tell her the internet demanded pics and they're holding your pets hostage.
| 4 | 32 |
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