start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1403926104 | 1403996043 | t3_29aofq | t5_2to41 | 23 | ChaviChavChop: TIFU by tattling on my dad for stealing money.
My father and I do not speak, because of reasons.
He stole money from my mom, and overdrew her debit card.
He stole money from my sisters "Truck License Payment" envelope, and prevented her from driving until next paycheck. My aunt gave her rides till then.
He stole money from me, while I was sleeping in the room next door. I didnt know until my brother in law told me. Yeah, it was just a few dollars in change, but heres the thing.
**I dont bother my father or anything he owns.**
That was the agreement. He shouldnt touch anything of mine.
Yet he did.
So, I told my mother about it. She just looked at me like I was stupid. She acts like my father is solid gold and does no wrong.
Well, it got around that my father figured out my brother in law told me about him stealing, and so my father banned my brother in law from ever visiting the house.
I do so much with my brother in law. Hes more of a brother than any biological one could be. I have no biological brothers.
So, I fucked up by trying to get some justice for my piece of shit father's actions. There was no result, but there was a cost. That cost was my only friend.
OuttaSightVegemite: Your father is an asshole.
ChaviChavChop: Yeah. Luckily I'm 18 and leaving for college soon. But, actually that's not so good, because my sister and mom will still have to deal with him. I'm not sure what to do.
Jaybo21: Your mother is a grown woman who has made her choice. Do not throw away your future to save her. However, I do feel bad about your sister. Unfortunately, staying won't really help, as he has the support of your mother
In the end, you have to make the right choice for yourself.
ChaviChavChop: Thank you for your support and advice. It means a lot.
That is probably the best choice for me. It's gonna be hard leaving my mom and sister in that predicament but there's nothing I can do.
I've got a good friend of mine I'm going to move in with in our own apartment. I just can't live in this house any longer.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1403935210 | 1404108564 | t3_29ay61 | t5_2to41 | 11 | RebeccaHeart: TIFU by Jumping Onto My Own Car
Alright, so, me and a couple of friends were at a park playing basketball. I'm very much a boyish girl, so I play sports a lot with all of my guy friends. Well, me and a friend of mine who I want to date eventually, went walking away from the court towards the lake; to talk and for me to flirt with him. My friends decide to grab my keys from the bench and take my car and drive past us and keep going like they were going home. I thought i'd be cool and show off to the guy I was flirting with by jumping on the trunk of my own car and holding on for dear life as the friends in the car drove off.
About five seconds later, I lost my grip and fell. At first I landed on my feet but the momentum caused me to then land forward on my chin and breasts, sliding on gravel and dirt for a couple feet. I ended up with a cracked rib, bruised breasts, bruised shoulder, and my hand is in a bandage wrap.
But the worst of it all was looking over and seeing the boy; who I was flirting with, laughing at me.
I wished I could've died at that moment.
Senor_Taco29: Can we see these bruises? For uh....... Science!
RebeccaHeart: For science xDD unfortunately, the only way I could show a vast majority of the bruises is if I took a nude pic, and I don't do that. Sorry Taco <3
Senor_Taco29: Its not nude if you have the nips covered
RebeccaHeart: xDD Tempting offer, but my word still stands.
Senor_Taco29: But I could give you reddit gold.... Or I could pay you in layers (Trident Layers)
RebeccaHeart: Again, very tempting. But I would never forgive myself if I broke my integrity like that. It's just not something i'd do ^_^
Senor_Taco29: Alright I have to say it: Been joking this whole time
RebeccaHeart: xD I know xD I was wondering when you'd admit to it xD
Senor_Taco29: Lol just was bored and wanted to talk to someone
RebeccaHeart: Weelllll you can talk to me whenever you want <3
| 11 | 1 | |
1403934908 | 1403968778 | t3_29axw2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | ltcarter: TIFU by uninstalling Alien Blue
I'm quite ill at the moment because I spend a fair amount of time organizing my subreddits into groups using Alien Blue. I was rather excited to see this option, because I am all about efficiency and order.
Once I was finished I noticed I had not been receiving notifications for sometime. After a little research I found out iOS 7 is a bit of a pain with Alien Blue notifications. The recommendation was to uninstall then reinstall the app. So I proceed excited to get it working properly. Once I logged back in I noticed every subreddit I was subscribed to was gone. So my next 30 minutes was devoted to subscribing to all my subreddits.
As of this post I still have not been receiving notifications....
TL;DR OCD satisfied, then I attempted to fix Alien Blue notifications; OCD is pissed and notifications still "broken."
Stevo0122: If you sign in, all your subs should just show up.
ltcarter: No such luck. It must be a special thing with the app that allows you to create groups within the app, but does not fully sync in with your true profile. If that makes sense. It is truly one of the weirdest things I've seen. I've redone all my subreddits, so the big thing is my notifications won't come through. So that's just irritating.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403925324 | 1403964384 | t3_29ange | t5_2to41 | 14 | Stokholmusic101: TIFU By grabbing the wrong towel
I was in the bathroom in my home earlier TODAY and was shaving my head to maintain conformity with the regulations of the Canadian Military and had a blue towel on the floor to catch falling hair. I also had another towel of the same color beside it to use in my shower right after I was done with my hair.
I hopped in the shower as soon as I was finished and starting rubbing shampoo into my now peach-like head. It was then that I got shampoo in my eyes and in my semi-blind and fully panicking state reached out of the shower, onto the floor, and picked up my towel to wipe the shampoo out of my eyes with...
You can all guess which towel I grabbed.
TL;DR I wiped a towel full of my freshly shaved hair into my eyeballs
nrxus: At least you were only shaving your top head. ^I'm ^sorry.
Stokholmusic101: I...you.......gah...
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1403937663 | 1403938403 | t3_29b0h2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing with my foreskin on. [Probably NSFW]
gtakiller0914: TIL that I'm thankful for getting circumcised.
sandman12456: God my thoughts exactly
| 3 | 2 | |
1403939306 | 1403968111 | t3_29b1xa | t5_2to41 | 74 | PleaseDontTrustMe: TIFU by turning a wedding into a memorial.
* *A little backstory*
I used to live in China until I was 10. Back then, my parents would often leave me at our neighbour's house while they were busy with work. Another family also left their daughter with them, and our neighbour's son, who's 5 years older than us, was kind of our babysitter.
For convenience, I'll just make up some fake English names.
**Sarah** (the other family's daughter), **Jeff** (our neighbour's son) and I grew close over the years. Back then, Sarah and I were 8 and Jeff was 13. Perhaps because of the one child policy, our relationship grew to be something similar between siblings.
When I turned 10, Jeff's family and mine moved to Australia. Sarah's remained due to her dad's job in the government. However, we still kept close contact and never really lost touch. Tears were shed during our parting, but the promise of frequent visits finally convinced Sarah to let us board our plane.
*Let's fast forward a few years*
2011, Sarah and I were 16, Jeff was in 3rd year Medicine and had found a lovely girlfriend. Of course, Sarah and I were happy for him, even though we understood that our relationship will likely grow distant as Medicine on top of a girlfriend would occupy most of his time.
And so, they continued dating, and everything was well...
* *2014 - May*
Jeff and his girlfriend of 3 years were finally going to get married! We were all overjoyed to hear the news, especially Jeff's grandparents who immediately booked a flight to Australia, eager to meet their granddaughter-in-law before they're too frail to travel long distances.
Sarah, too, had planned to attend the wedding and stay with us for a few weeks.
But every now and then, our plans... don't always work out.
Because just one week later, less than 20 days before the wedding, some poor excuse of a human being was too intoxicated to see Sarah crossing the road only a few blocks away from her home.
He didn't even brake.
She was in critical condition for 2 days.
And those 2 days, were her last.
Jeff and I were devastated. His fiancée suggested postponing the wedding, but he declined. He said that he'll be fine, as long as no one brings it up, he should be able to compose himself for just one night. After all, his grandparents flew all the way to Australia, and his fiancée had spent weeks planning the event.
I, apparently, didn't quite catch the memo.
* *The Wedding*
Things were going as planned. The ceremony was held at a beautifully decorated mansion, complete with crystal chandeliers and crimson velvet carpets. As the minister announced them to be husband and wife, Jeff's grandparents held each other's hand with a shimmer in their eyes.
As everyone stood around chatting with one another, I passed Jeff on the way to the bathroom. Without thinking, instead of a simple "congratulations", I said: "She'd be so happy if she was here.".
*Shit*
*I'm a fucking retard*
It took two seconds for my words to register. Two whole seconds for my foolish, foolish words to reach his ears. To me, those two seconds felt like an eternity.
He broke down in tears.
I sat with him on the floor of an abandoned room upstairs for the next two hours. His wife would occasionally come up to bring us fruits and water, but knew to leave us alone as he recounted all the times we spent with Sarah, one by one, choking back tears in between them.
*Why am I such a fucking retard?*
That was his wedding, for heaven's sake. It was supposed to be the happiest day of that man's life and I made him cry for **two whole hours.**
**TL;DR** - Don't ever invite me to weddings, please.
alFacto: Hah u think i wont see right through this bullshit of a story, 7 hour redditor, and for those who believed him, shame on you, look at his name, its obvious.
PleaseDontTrustMe: I...what? Where the hell did you get 7 hours from? ._.
eviloneinabox: Redditor for one year. Checks out. /u/alfacto redditor for one day. Still has pacifier.
PleaseDontTrustMe: Thank you.
| 5 | 14.8 | |
1403939943 | 1404226033 | t3_29b2gg | t5_2to41 | 67 | chubbupp: TIFU with a camera flash in the bathroom stall at work
So my friends have a habit of sending me snapchats during the week of their trousers at their feet while dropping a deuce saying something funny about getting paid to poop. So today, i decided to send one myself. There are two stalls and someone was in the stall next to me. So I snapped the picture. But i left the fucking flash on, it lit the ground up for the most brief but painstaking moment. The dude in the next stall immediately leaves. Luckily he didnt see me go in, all he could see would be my pants/shoes from the one foot of space under the stall.
Tl;dr, im never wearing those pants/shoes to work again
sandman12456: But what if he saw you in them after you left the bathroom?
chubbupp: FUCK
sandman12456: Sorry :(
But honestly you should be fine. I doubt he would ask you about it even if he did recognize your clothes, which I also think is pretty unlikely.
ConvictJ: No, he won't be fine. He'll have to leave his old life behind. He'll have to change his name, move to mexico, cry himself to sleep every night by thinking about what could have been if he didn't flash a shitty selfie (pun intended) at work.
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1403943063 | 1403945700 | t3_29b4sr | t5_2to41 | 4 | nummy_tacos: TIFU by keeping potatoes too long
So, this all started a few months back when I first moved into my new place. I was low on groceries from moving and bought a ton of food to last me a couple of weeks. I figured I might as well by some potatoes because they're easy to make even though I rarely ate them growing up. After a few weeks, I was settled in but had yet to eat the potatoes that were sitting on the bottom of the shelf I put all my food on. They had started budding a bit and I decided that I should let them bud a bit more since I had never seen them grow more than the few little spots/eyes. So, after another month, they had budded a lot more to a point where they were piercing through the packaging. I thought this looked pretty cool and once again decided to keep them there to see how far they could go before I got bored of them, or when they started taking up too much space. Now, after a couple more months, I stopped checking on them and pretty much forgot they were even there. This was only until recently when I was throwing out any old food left on my shelves... Before this, there were a lot of bugs (I'm told fruit flies) in my house, but I guessed they were coming through my window from the creek nearby... However, when I was throwing out the old food, I noticed the potatoes had grown massively, and I could see they were falling apart when I picked them up. That's when I realized where the insects were coming from. Inside the packaging were dozens and dozens of larvae eating the potatoes. I immediately dropped the package in disgust and had chills running through my body. I picked it up after a few seconds of shouting "HOLY SHIT" over and over, and threw it away in the dumpster outside immediately... Now I'm just hoping the flies were only coming from the potatoes and not anything else I have neglected throwing away...
tl;dr: Fruit Flies! infiltrated house, caused by 6 month old sack of potatoes I neglected to throw away because I thought they looked cool when budded.
Edit: NOT mosquitoes, Fruit Flies.
steezyvape: It wasn't mosquitoes, it was fruit flies. I had a similar issue in my first apartment, my GF left a bag of potatoes in the cabinet and one day I was wondering why there were so many fruit flies around the cabinet, opened it and found a sack of liquid potatoes.
I almost threw up while cleaning the cabinet. Take solace OP, you're not the only one to do this. Now that I think about it, I think I have some old potatoes in the cabinet now...
nummy_tacos: Thanks for the clarification.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403721971 | 1403973184 | t3_292wo7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Harrywoz8: TIFU By playing football (Soccer) with my friend
This didn't happen today but a few years back. I was frantically thinking for something to post here because I've never posted here before and it finally hit me, so here goes! :)
Well it was a nice sunny day and I messaged my friend asking if he wants to play sports on a local field that we both lived close too so we could meet up there. Let's call this friend billy. Anyway, Fast forward a little and I forget exactly how it happened but the ball popped so, we deemed it useless and threw it over the hedges, completely oblivious to the fact that on the other side was a fucking busy road with A LOT of traffic that day, we thought nothing of it and I don't know exactly why but we decided to sit down next to the hedge that we just lobbed the ball over.
A little later on and my friend decided he was going to call his dad to pick us up, which I found very odd since he literally lived about a one minute walk away from this field, and when I asked about it, from what I can remember he said something along the lines of "Just be quiet and stay still" This got me a little worried, and I was right to be worried because little did we know the ball that we threw over the hedge collided with a cars fucking windshield, and the driver of the car who may I add wasn't exactly happy about this and managed to navigate his way around the hedges like a fucking navy seal and was steaming towards us with the fury of an upset grizzly bear. This is why my friend was so anxious. I didn't know about the upset grizzly behind me so when he got to us, he hit like a fucking truck. He picked me up and threw me into the hedge and started repeatedly kicking me and my friend in the shins ( I couldn't get my hands up to defend myself from his monstrous blows so I put my legs up to take the hits. He was in fucking rage, which I understand. He was blurting out "YOU NEARLY FUCKING KILLED MY WIFE", "FUCKERS" etc.
After the tussle me and my friend quickly got up and ran for our dear lives. We got to the exit and just as we were about to cross the road and dash to his house I realized... I turned to my friend and said "Billy, I think I've pissed myself" And he just turned to me nodded and said "Same" Keep in mind we were around 9 - 10 so we felt like we'd been in the middle of a war zone. We spoke of this to no-one but our close friends and we told my brother too.
Hope you had a good laugh out of this as now I can look back on it and laugh at the stupidity that was us. :)
EDIT: Added the TL;DR in.
EDIT: Got the age wrong by about two years.
Tl:dr: when we were about 9 - 10,threw a ball over a hedge, hit a car. Car owner got out in a furious rage beat the shit out of both of us. And we pissed our pants.
Jaybo21: Who in the ever-loving fuckuverse beats up 9 year old children?!
Harrywoz8: Dunno probably a psychopath, and if we apparently "almost killed his wife" then I can imagine him to be a pissed off psychopath.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403949394 | 1404998106 | t3_29b96w | t5_2to41 | 192 | VolkSwagenYolo: TIFU by letting my cousin watch me play Xbox
This was a while ago, perhaps a year or so.
So I had recently bought Red Dead Redemption and was playing it when my aunt dropped off my little cousin for babysitting (She is about 10 y/o). She is a young, little girl who loves her pet bunnies and Disney films. Growing up playing these sorts of games and watching action movies, I just guessed she'd be ok with watching me play, so when she asked, I said yes.
Fast forward to a scene where I shoot a critter (Probably a rabbit) and skin it while the character remarks about how disgusting it is, and she leaves the room In a flash. Shocked, I asked why, when she reveals that she was disgusted by it. Worse, her vegetarian, no-violence, helicopter parents (My aunt and uncle) both scowl at me whenever we have a family get together :(
slavmaf: What does "helicopter parents" mean in this context?
Cunctatious: They are always hovering around their children in order to mollycoddle them.
TheXarath: What does "mollycoddle" mean in this context?
crackabeerandmoveon: Butt stuff.
TheXarath: Seems legit.
[deleted]: Cool name.
TheXarath: You too! But your name leaves me hanging. The X and what?!
[deleted]: I started with X and forgot Y :(
Paha, but no I'm not that clever. Was originally meant to be just "the Xand" and it took a google vanity search before I realised it looks like X and Y.
Still it's refreshing to see someone else whose name means they're one of the elite few that realises the X at the start of things makes a zed sound. Which puts you ahead of the X-Men.
| 9 | 21.333333 | |
1403955855 | 1403958572 | t3_29be9n | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU By messaging the wrong women.
Okay so recently I joined a dating site to hook up with some women and today I well and truly fucked up.
The online dating world is a numbers game in my eyes so I just message as many people as possible and hope for a reply. I've been messaging women from my age group (20s), to women about 15 years older. All is going well, hardly any women are replying and on the odd occasion I'll get a reply, happy days.
So here's where it all goes tits up for me. Somehow I managed to message a women who is about 15 years older than me who my Mum and Dad know. Of course I didn't know that at the time so I just send her my stock opener "I'd remove that profile picture if I were you" and wait for a reply as usual.
I get a reply "Phahahha! Message to you via ya dad, get some nuts!!" Me being the idiotic idiot that I am I couldn't process this or understand what she mean't so I proceeded in saying "What? I'm Joking by the way. Thought you looked gorgeous so I just had to say hi" I get a reply " Are you David Hyke (Not my real name) Claire and Simons (Not my real parents name) lad?
EDIT* Turns out its my Dads best mates ex. He comes round my house every so often so I'm pretty much screwed.
I'm freaking about. To sum up My Mum and Dad now know that I'm on a dating site and I have a thing for the older women. I'm sooo humiliated. I'm paralyzed by fear, I haven't seen my Dad since what happened about 30 mins ago but I can imagine its going to be awkward.
TL;DR Joined dating site, unknowingly message Mum and Dads friend who is 15 years older than me, she texts my dad, Parents now know I'm on a dating site and I have a thing for the older women.
Kathaarianlifecode: Dude, own the situation by ringing your dad and asking him if he thinks she'd be a goer....
Ubeenfrimponged: Turns out it's my Dads best mates ex which makes it worse.
| 3 | 5 | |
1403955448 | 1403991608 | t3_29bdzh | t5_2to41 | 3,433 | carpet-wizard: TIFU by leaving the batteries in my vibrator..
I was on my way to my boyfriends house and he had mentioned that I should bring along some of our toys, so I chucked my vibrator into a bag along with clothes and stuff, ready to spend the night there. My dad had offered to give me a lift on his way to work as my car is in the garage, I happily agreed and we set off on the half hour car drive to my boyfriend's house. Now, I should probably mention that my dad is the kind of dad who refuses to accept that I didn't just stop getting older at the age of 7, it took him about a week to get over the fact that I had a boyfriend, and even now he refuses to accept that we would dare go past hand holding... So anyway, about five minutes into the car journey I heard a weird kind of buzzing noise, it took me a few seconds to realise what it was, and I had that "OHHH SHIITT" realisation when my bag started vibrating. It didn't help that the vibrator was pressed up against a can of deodorant amplifying the sound painfully. My dad looked over at me, he said "What's that sound, is it the car? That sort of vibra....." his face then dropped as he saw the kill me now look in my eyes and realised it was coming from my bag....he immediately turned back to the road and we sat in almost silence (I couldn't exactly pull out my vibrator and turn it off at this point) for what was the longest, most painfully awkward half hour of my life. Consider our innocent father daughter relationship, official over.
edit: To answer some questions, I am 19 and awkward as shit... my current boyfriend is the first guy I have ahem, "done stuff" with.. he brought me the vibrator along with some other things for my birthday, and I am not any kind of all knowing vibe genie, but I know that the constant vibration of a rabbit sounds very different to a phone, but that's irrelevant, I am not a smart girl. :(
Obnubilate: Yeah, I'm not looking forward to when my daughter is old enough to date boys. I know what they are like.
Edit: yes I am fully aware she is her own person with her own thoughts and desires and we will do our level best to prepare her for that time so she can enjoy herself and not do anything silly like get pregnant as a result of a drunken one-night stand.
But I'm still not going to look forward to it.
_vargas_: Imagine if we lived in some kind of alternate reality where you know that anything sexual you've ever done will also happen to your daughter? Every awkward handjob, every "surprise" facial, every dick in the ass, every throat fucking, every blumpkin, every Cleveland Steamer, every DV/DA, every fisting, every Bieber pinch, every Polish swingset, every Vulcan Delight...*everything* you do will happen to her. What would you do?
ItsTyrrellYo: > What would you do?
missionary exclusively for procreation
_vargas_: Just think of all that seed that some dude will be filling her with, though.
obsidianchao: God. Fucking. *Dammit,* Vargas.
Albitron: Don't we save that for the actually weird posts? There was nothing super weird about that. You sound like a thirsty groupie
obsidianchao: I want you to imagine having a daughter. Now imagine some ratchet ass kid fucking the shit out of her and filling her to the brim.
That's not gross enough to you?
Albitron: I never said I disagreed, I'm just getting very tired of the 'god fucking damn it Vargas' joke. I don't think it's funny, original or contributes to anything ever.
obsidianchao: I didn't really realize it was a joke. I don't see Vargas around that often, I guess we browse different subs.
Albitron: Yeah people follow every time he/she comments and says that after every single one
postapocalyptictribe: Well that's the point of a running joke... it keeps running.
Albitron: It also must be a joke to be a running joke. Doesn't a joke have to be funny?
postapocalyptictribe: I'm pretty sure some people find it funny or they'd stop.
| 14 | 245.214286 | |
1403843316 | 1403961492 | t3_297ruw | t5_2to41 | 4 | Pebblezcrwd: TIFU by being late
Background is I live in New Zealand so while you lucky people are enjoying freedom (only that New Zealand is the most "free" country) we are stuck in school slaving to teachers.
So I was late as per usual, lazily walking into school to get a class permit (which is given to repeat late offenders like I) and who should come round the corner, only the top asshat dean of the school, let's call him Mr A. So Mr A was like "oh hey [Pebblezcrwd] internal detention" so I aptly reply in stupidness "that's cool" and off he goes. (Mr A) "This is serious, you have been late 30 times in the last term" (me) "my record is 40 so its not that great of a deal" (Mr A) "so I will take you out if your classes today" (me) "you can't do that" (Mr A) "yes I can" (me) "I dont disrupt classes so you can't, its in the school rules" (well its like a law student vs a lawyer, lawyer will always win) (Mr A) "I can take you out of class for disorderly conduct" (Me) "that's cool". So from here on Mr Asshole flips his table and his tables tables and attempts to stand me down for disorderly conduct and being rude to a dean and then walks out. The dean of my year then comes in and tells me "he's going through a rough patch in his life" and let's me go to form class. So this whole morning shrunk my time on reddit before school from 20 minutes to 0. I walked past him later today and he gave me that death look, so I just smiled at him and told myself how I should not pull the fingers at him while he's watching. Pretty sure he hates me now. Probably not a good thing because he writes my school report.
TL;DR Was late, was sarcastic to a head dean and now he hates me. Gonna have a great rest of year
Sypher0110: The title should be TIFU by being a spoiled brat.
Pebblezcrwd: School is free? I'm just highly sarcastic and I don't think when I'm tired
Sypher0110: Yes; because you live in a first world country that values education thus offering it to you for free.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403960207 | 1403969939 | t3_29bhj0 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Jameswahe: [NSFW] TIFU by sending this over snapchat
vamoose1: Can someone with bigger balls tell me what the gif is?
Suchui: Girl has ~~a~~ two phone*s* halfway up her vagina, then she projectile shits another phone.
vamoose1: Ew.
postmen51: you must be new to the internet
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1403960974 | 1403962116 | t3_29bi7h | t5_2to41 | 26 | anotherfknthrowaway: TIFU by tidying up.
Throwaway because shame.
I was feeling a little frisky today and thought I'd tidy up downstairs in the hope of getting a little face love tonight.
I usually go for the clippers when I haven't waxed, but thought I'd go for the quiet option of scissors so my SO would be pleasantly surprised later.
Grab the sharp scissors, sit on the toilet and start to snip away merrily. Feeling as confident as the Zohan, I snip faster and with flair, hum a little tune, hell yeah, I am the master!
And then it happens. I catch my flap right in the middle of the scissors.
I saw stars and bluebirds. My face froze, mouth agape in a silent scream.
Heart racing, I look down, blood is dripping in the toilet, not much, but enough to make me think I've cut a large chunk of my beef curtains off.
Grab TP and press, stem the bleeding and all that. But fuck it stings! Stings like lemon in a paper cut. I power through for another minute and then brave a look.
Not one, but two cuts. After initial confusion, I'm now pretty proud of myself for my lightning fast reflexes and not allowing the blades to close enough to take a chunk out.
I give up on trimming the rest and put my clothes back on.
Now sitting here with a throbbing and burning feeling where I should be getting good feelings.
TL;DR Clipped my crumpet with scissors. Uneven pubes and no sex.
turtlesarerad14: oh my god, I'm so sorry!!!
I've had a couple close calls and cuts before, but I've never full on cut my flap :'( I'm so sorry for you. that must've hurt so fucking bad.
My boyfriend says I'm not allowed to trim with scissors anymore. I suggest you do the same :p
anotherfknthrowaway: I'll gladly accept that advice. Scissors and sensitive areas do not mix!
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1403958492 | 1404123556 | t3_29bg6i | t5_2to41 | 176 | That_Deaf_Guy: TIFU by setting off the fire alarm by accident in a 5 star resort.
It's now 13:13, this literally happened half an hour ago. I arrived at this beautiful resort with my mum for her work convention (I'm 18). Yesterday she was working in the morning so I just stayed in the room and messed around on the laptop. Today, she's working again. At 7pm there's a fancy dinner at the hotel. I woke up, brushed and thought I'd iron my clothes so I don't have to do it later. This is where I fucked up. Hard. There's a trouser press in my room. Being fancy, I thought I'd use this. Except it was switched off. Yesterday my mum said I have to switch it on, but we didn't because there was no need to. So I switched it on. And pressed, what I thought, is a red "on" switch that's on top of the machine.
Suddenly, blaring. Fucking loud blaring filled my ears. I didn't even have my hearing aids on and I could hear the blaring. I quickly got dressed (perfect time to be shirtless in shorts) and grabbed my stuff (phone, watch) and went outside. Panicking, I started walking around. I remembered reading the ever-so-helpful fire exit guide. So I headed towards the fire exit. Except the halls were empty. And the fire exit was fucking dark. So I thought nope, it can't be this. So I turn around, GO BACK IN MY ROOM, dial for the front desk.
"Hi, I'm in room ___ and I did something, I'm not sure what's going on?!"
"Sir, you need to evacuate"
"...Right"
So I walk out again, this time heading to the left. I'm heading towards the lifts because surly there should be stairs around there (on my way to the lift, I missed the fire stairs... bad placement.) So I walk out the hall towards the lift and what do I see? A fucking bride with her bridesmaids. That's right. I interrupted a wedding. The bride, accompanied by 2 employees and her bridesmaids, make their way down. A middle aged woman in a dress takes her time down the stairs, me behind her, my heart beating in my head. Should I tell the employee next to me? Nope. Let's see how this pans out.
The woman finally let's me ahead of her, seeing as there was about 8 flights of stairs (my room was on the 7th floor). I rush down the stairs, outside. There's only a few people around. Suddenly, an employee drives by in a fucking golf cart with the most determined look on her face. This is when it sunk in that shit was real. I carried on walking and I ended up near the entrance. And I see this.
http://i.imgur.com/spROkh1.jpg
A very large number of people were just standing outside. Then I see the reflection of a fire ambulance. Fuck. The situation defuses and I have no idea what's going on. Suddenly, a few people start clapping and cheering. I see wedding guests at the front of the hotel. Everybody starts to walk in. I follow. People are wearing those foil blankets to "comfort them from the traumatic incident". They're taking pictures in front of the fire ambulance. I'm like Bruce Wayne. Everybody is talking about Batman and I'm right in front of them. I go inside and head straight to guest relations. An employee finally comes. Did I mention there was no bath plug in my room? So I tell her
"Hi, I'm missing a bath plug?"
"Oh, can I get your room number?"
"___"
"Right, ___ bath plug" she writes down. "Thank you"
I walk off, paranoid that somehow they'll trace the alarm to my room.
I walked into my room, my mum rings
"Where are you?"
"In the room"
"Oh, where did you go?"
"We had to evacuate"
"Oh yes.. Okay"
I couldn't even tell her. Nobody can know about this but Reddit. I fucked up, I hope everything has blown over. I need a bath.
TL;DR: Wanted to iron my clothes, ruined a wedding.
Sorry for the wall of text.
Bandit6789: So can we get a picture of this fire alarm you pressed in your room? Because Ive never seen a manual fire alarm that was just a button you could accidentally press. Nor have I ever seen manual fire alarm devices in guest rooms at hotels.
I'm not saying it doesn't exist, Ive just never seen it and fire alarm installation and planning is my job.
That_Deaf_Guy: OP delivers!
http://m.imgur.com/a/citkO
As you can see, I tried to make an album which consisted of 3 pictures. Because I'm on mobile data, only 1 uploaded for some reason. That's the button I pressed. The trouser press was quite old. There was no note telling me not to press it, either.
trottsky3: I can guarantee you that's not a fire alarm, and that's coming from someone currently sitting behind a hotel reception desk.
That_Deaf_Guy: I know it isn't a fire alarm, it's a button on the pants press. I clicked the button, the alarm went off. I'm not sure why, perhaps a coincidence or a malfunction.
raika11182: Seriously. That is NOT a fire alarm. Purely coincidence.
Repeat after me: Not a fire alarm. Not a fire alarm. Not a fire alarm. Then push the button again. If the fire alarm goes off - then we're all wrong and horribly sorry, but not nearly as sorry as the company that put the worst fire alarm button on a pants press on planet earth.
Actually, just reading that back should confirm it for you. A little red button you could easily accidentally hit. On a pants press. THAT is NOT where you keep the fire alarm.
That_Deaf_Guy: I know it's not a fire alarm. But as soon as I hit the button, the alarm went off. So I'm guessing it's a coincidence. I fucking hope so anyway.
myepicdemise: NOT A FIRE ALARM!
That_Deaf_Guy: I KNOW THIS!
le_mous: Dude, you're being a really great sport by putting up with all those replies. That's totally hilarious..
Oh, and just for what it's worth, that's not a fire alarm button.
That_Deaf_Guy: OP is stupid, its clearly not a fire alarm..
ssjkriccolo: Did you press it again? I wouldn't be able to help myself.
That_Deaf_Guy: Lmao unfortunately not! Checkout was at 11am so I was rushing around to pack and forgot about it
| 13 | 13.538462 | |
1403962653 | 1404112469 | t3_29bjr3 | t5_2to41 | 15 | _BLAD3_: TIFU by smoking
Well, this isn't one of those 'shat myself' or some weird sex TIFU, this just happened yesterday night and now my entire house is the most depressing place on earth where nobody's talking to each other.
Well a little prelude to the fuck-up, I'm an 18 year old college goer back home for his holidays, and my mom being an extreme follower of the 'say no to drugs/alcohol/smoking' motto, which is the usual case considering how conservative my country is.
Now for the fuck up,
So, I have an exam coming up in 3 days (exams in holidays? Well i flunked a course so its a repeaters exam.) and I have the habit to stay up late at night and study. I usually smoke 2 cigarettes a night when I'm doing so, apparently it keeps me sharp and helps me stay up longer without feeling drowsy. So somewhere at around at 3 in the morning, after a solid 2 hours of numerical crunching i decide to take a break and watch a movie whilst having a puff (after this incident Leon the professional is going to stay embedded in my mind forever), and all of a sudden i hear a knock on my door.
Lucky for me i had just finished my cigarette 2 minutes ago, hidden the cigarettes and dumped the ashtray, but the smell was still lingering, no biggie, blame the outside smells for it. I open the door and my mother inquires why was I up so late, so I tell her I was up studying and point towards my notebooks, she believes me and then the smell hits her, she asks me why does my room smell of smoke, and as usual I blame the outside. Now the thing about my apartment is, the bedrooms are just separated by a wall, and their windows are quite near each other, so if there really was some smell lingering in from the outside, it would creep into my parents room too. That was one detail I overlooked and it cost me dear. So my mom leaves my door open and goes back to her room to 'sleep', relieving me to the greatest extent, but then she is back and the big question is dropped. 'Son, were you smoking?'.
That's when I felt my heart jump into my mouth as my mother proceeded to check my room, I hide my cigarettes and ashtray quite cleverly so she couldn't find those, but what i couldn't hide were the nicotine stains on my fingers, that rustic woody smell still lingering fresh from my fingers. My mom grabs my left hand, sniffs it, barely gets a scent, as she goes for my right hand, that's when i knew, I had fucked up big time. I see my mothers eyes watering up as she drags me to the other room where my dad was half awake due to all the commotion. My mother pushes my hand towards him and asks him to smell it.
Now that both my parents are sure of the fact that I smoke, we proceed to the living room, where my mom, in a fit of rage proceeds to open the door and asks me to leave the house that very moment, it was 3:30 in the morning. I look at her with this hopeless, guilt drenched look, as I was genuinely feeling sick of myself for hurting my mother so much, and I took in a breath deep enough for someone to deliver a speech with, and all i could muster out was a meek 'sorry'. That moment definitely has to be the most disappointing and depressing moment of my life, as whatever my parents verbally hurled at me after my mother tried to shove me out of the house, slap me and hit me all while repeating 'how could you do this to yourself and me?', the only thoughts that were looming my mind were of suicide and death. While my mother exclaimed that how I must be thinking of not smoking that cigarette in my room and smoking it outside instead, the only thoughts that were filling my mind were of this unexceptionally sharp and slender knife in the kitchen, with which I would proceed to cut my wrists open with after this verbal ordeal was over with. Once the verbal bashing was done, it was clear that my mom wanted me out of the house for good, and I'm still trying to plead to her to reconsider, because I really have no money to my name, and there's no way I'll be able to survive outside, so it's either that or ending my life.
Once my parents were asleep again, I proceed into the kitchen to get the knife I was thinking of, go back into my room and try and cut myself, at least make myself bleed a bit before I could make that final cut. I try and I try, but I didn't have the guts to make that cut, I stare at the knife and then break down, crying like a 10 year old. I walk back to the kitchen with teared up eyes and a drenched face, keep the knife back and cry myself to sleep.
Today, after waking up, and after a countless number of apologies, my mother is still adamant on kicking me out, and she's sure that I wont be coming back to this house once I'm done giving my repeaters exam back in the uni. My dad is cornered and hopeless and has lost all faith in me considering my chain streak of fuck ups related to family life and academics.
I really wish i could relieve my family of my burden, but the only options I see to doing so, as of now are by leaving the house (which I'm sure I will not survive) or by ending my life thereby ending their suffering linked to me. I don't see myself committing suicide anytime soon as I ain't up to it, and the other option doesn't seem feasible.
Mods, if possible, please don't remove this post as I'm trying to find a bit of sympathy and closure here for myself, I need a little pick me up to get my head straight cos as of now, I have no one to talk to or help me, and I'm serious about that.
And as for the redditors reading this, Today I Fucked Up, not just by smoking, but by breaking my parents trust, being suicidal and getting myself almost kicked out of the house.
highly_educated: Lol wtf it's a god dam cigarette, ur mom is Fucking crazy acting as if she walked in on you in the bathroom with a belt around your arm and a needle stuck in it. Rofl this has got to be a Fucking joke.
_BLAD3_: I wish it was a joke too, sadly it's not.
| 3 | 5 | |
1403964222 | 1403970615 | t3_29bl8q | t5_2to41 | 22 | Sgt_Wigglytuff: TIFU in Poundland...
I was in Poundland and I dropped a can of coke on a toddler, it exploded and sprayed her as she screamed and then I proceeded to give everyone there this stare 0_0....I then put the exploded can back on the shelf, went to the till at the back of the store and bought some Oreos and left. Words cannot explain how I feel right now...
YourSonFromTheFuture: That is a very misleading title
DjDog72: How
postmen51: ever heard of pound-town?
DjDog72: No and im not sure i want to
postmen51: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pound%20Town
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1403962814 | 1403981186 | t3_29bjwx | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating Cookout
So reddit, I've truly messed up and made some poor decisions in the last 12 hours. Last night, right before bed, I ate at Cookout, a fast food joint famous among college students for having tasty food at low prices. The other thing it is famous for is causing digestive troubles that will destroy weak-willed toilets. After I ate, I passed out. The problem with that is that I was not able to release what Cookout had unleashed on my digestive tract. This morning, I had a large Dunkin Donuts coffee. I now have an 8 hour drive ahead of me. Reddit, today I fucked up.
Edit: The counter doesn't need to be reset.
Fender6969: As someone with preexisting digestive issues, take an entire imodium. I can guarantee you that your body can handle whatever you eat. Beware that once your medicine wears out, whatever you consumed will come out the next time you shit. That may be dangerous depending on what you ate.
Executive_divergence: I'll keep that in mind next time.
Fender6969: It u still isn't too late to take it, not sure of your current situation.
Executive_divergence: Currently dealt with. The counter doesn't need to be reset.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1403959333 | 1404050507 | t3_29bguw | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving out my fleshlight.
Today I totally fucked up, Today I decided to have some fun with my fleshlight and to put it simple, I forgot to put it away and left it out.
I am an 18 year old and My brother knocked on my door to talk, he's only 8. and he saw it and asked what is that "pink thing". I was shocked.
I didn't know how else to explain it so I said it's nothing and bribed him by saying I will buy him anything if he didn't talk about it. (He asked for a chocolate bar) Done.
But now I know he will never forget and when he gets older, he will most likely realise what that "pink thing" was.
postmen51: Damn that's rough
ViciousRegicide: His futuristic robot pink thing or that that that an 8 yearold now his infinite bribes along as he remembers his brother filthy ancient love device
postmen51: Both
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1403967496 | 1403990903 | t3_29bor6 | t5_2to41 | 103 | Bnlol1: TIFU by watching porn (Update)
So, about a week ago i made a frantic post about being caught watching porn. After i made the post i went offline for a few hours and came back to find half the people calling it fake and half the people assuring me that everyone enjoys some good horseporn every once in a while. I ended up deleting that post, not caring enough to reply to all the angry responses.
To recap: i got a text from my mom, who was at nursing school, that she just received an email from our ISP (frankfort plant board) that someone had torrented copyrighted porn and if it happened again legal action may ensue. That's all she told me besides that she would talk to me when she got home.
I panicked, i had kept everything hidden up to that point. And, the night before, i had decided to watch some more extreme fetishes and explore a little bit, including ending up on /r/bestiality for like 5 minutes. I never stopped to think and go "but wait, i don't even have torrenting software and never download my porn...". Instead, i simply assumed that my mom saw all and now thought i liked to sneak off and fuck horses in my spare time, which i certainly don't.
I sat there feeling really anxious, and ended up passing the time by making my original frantic post and playing some supreme commander with my buddies, who i discussed argument tactics that i could use against her with me.
30 minutes before she got home, i had a game plan. I'd caught her watching porn *several* times before, and have also uncovered that she's part of a BDSM group. But, i never mentioned any of this, not wanting to put her in an awkward position. So, when she got home i was going to explain that this is something all normal teens and adults do, and im sorry for the DMCA claim. If she pushed the argument further, i would point out all the revealing stuff about her sex life ive found out over the years.
It was a foolproof plan, it was sure to work.
30 minutes later, she sits me down and says "why were you looking at transexual porn?". "What?" I say. Out of all the fetishes i watched, i hadn't watched any transexual porn, not that there is anything wrong with that.
"Don't play around it! Look at this gross shit you watched! Are you turned on by this? It's fucking gross!". She opened up a window. On it, a torrent download existed for a movie called "TS-playground" with some thumbnail photos of shemales fucking shemales.
"I never watched that shit.." I say out loud. She then proceeds to fucking unload on me about how i can't fucking lie to her and how gross it is, and i end up just sitting there and crying the whole time. I never had the courage to mention that she watches porn too.
But, on the bright side, this was NOT my porn. She hadn't seen any of the shit i had actually watched. But, this meant someone on our network had torrented highly copyrighted porn and used me as a scapegoat.
My mom took my pc and phone, saying i wouldn't get them for a month, and then went to go talk to my uncle who lived nextdoor, and also used our wifi network. 10 minutes later she comes back with a blank look on her face and says "Ok, um, you can have your pc back" and walks awkwardly back in to her room.
So, now she just kind of won't look me in the eye. I suspect my uncle or his roomate were the ones who downloaded the porn. So, i never really got caught, i was just blamed when someone else got caught.
Tl:DR got blamed for my uncle's illegal transexual porn. Thought my mom thought i was a horse fucker
(Sorry for any bad grammar. Away from home right now so i had to write this on a phone)
EDIT: to fix any confusion, i am NOT into bestiality of any form, i just browsed it for a short while but left quickly. I would never attempt bestiality on a live animal.
smithmatt445: Thank god you didn't admit to the bestiality shit man. Good luck to you, and please don't have sex with live animals.
Bnlol1: I would never try that man. I didnt even really like bestiality, i just ended up there for a short while
ViciousRegicide: The power of Reddit compiles you.
Bnlol1: Compiles me what?
lockpickerkuroko: The power compiles the compells.
| 6 | 17.166667 | |
1403960472 | 1404496993 | t3_29bhrh | t5_2to41 | 5 | TForestR: TIFU by telling 2 girls I like them...
So I have been into this girl for a while and she had been into me too, but things have been slowing down and I've been thinking she might be putting me into the infamous "Friend zone" so I was starting to search elsewhere, where I found girl #2 and we have been starting to get into each other as well.
So Girl #2 practically gives me an ultimatum saying if I want to be with her, just stop everything with #1, which I couldn't do b/c I was into her first and I like her more too.
So before making my decision, I asked what was up to Girl 1 and she responded to what I thought was a Friend-zoning, so I told Girl 2 that I'd go with her.
Long story short... ends up they know each other (I didn't know this) and they found out. Girl 1 still wanted me (but now doesn't) and did NOT put me in the friend zone, and Girl 2 doesn't want me now...
Tyrocious: You'd think, with all these kinds of stories, that people would learn to communicate by now.
Malamutewhisperer: Is there an app for that?
Tyrocious: Well no, but the plastic block that holds your apps can be used for it.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1403964626 | 1403973150 | t3_29blo7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Liberatetheforks: TIFU by moving my music folder to my new 128GB micro SD drive.
Fuck it. I think I'll just start all over. It wasn't that organized to begin with.
pant-lid: Am I missing something? How exactly is this a fuck up?
Liberatetheforks: I meant to copy. An hour long process, prob 2-3 hr return time
| 3 | 1 | |
1403961367 | 1403973802 | t3_29biju | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting a fart.
As I sit here upon my porcelain throne spraying last nights stry fry, I wish I haven't trusted that fart, for my boxers and pants sake.
Also I'm at work. Fun times...
Turd_in_the_hole: Hey, at least you're getting paid to shit
Username__Irrelevant: > paid to shit yourself
FTFY
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403975933 | 1404011760 | t3_29bz6z | t5_2to41 | 140 | TickingClock1997: TIFU by calling my little sister a midget
My little sister is 12 and stands about four feet high. I often call her a midget as a term of affection.
Well, we decided to go down to a local flea market and we live in the south which is a predominantly white town. As we were strolling through the shops I look over to say "What are you doing midget?"
Lo and behold, there is a midget standing right behind us who has a short temper (no pun intended) and he looks at me as if I just shot his dog. Oops.
Morgrave: Midget is some little peoples' n-bomb.
Broken_Goat: A friend brought one to my house last night. I didnt believe it. I said hi and that was it. I couldnt say anything else. I was so scared id offend her or something.
Morgrave: You didn't believe your friend brought a person to your house? They are little people, but still people. Don't call them midget and don't Karl Pilkington them and you'll be fine. She probably wanted a beer. Bring her a beer!
Broken_Goat: I was drunk at the time. Earlier i had wandered off into the woods because i heard a guitar. Like someone practicing chords or whatever. Stopped when i found a river and turned back. But when i got back BAM a midget! A legit little person. If i remember right she was perfectly proportioned...just fun size. It wasnt drawfism or whatnot. Something to do with prematurely being born or something like that.
I mean...i sent her for cheese fries and she brought back a person...how was i supposed to eat that?
Morgrave: I get the feeling this is trolling... but, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwarfism . Read that and it'll give you an idea.
Broken_Goat: Honest to god. Not trolling. She was like 3 and 1/2 feet tall and 26 years old. Thanks for the wiki link.
| 7 | 20 | |
1403973942 | 1404059108 | t3_29bwim | t5_2to41 | 2,633 | statesides: TIFU by going to a rub-n-tug for the first time
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Awesome.
tmotom: *Noice.*
Snailic: [***Noice.***](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQnYi3z56RE)
Sserg: ##### Noice.
Oirammario12345: ##### Double Noice.
Metal_Badger: I... are you two wizards?
Oirammario12345: ##### Of course we are.
Metal_Badger: ^^^I'm ^^^scared...
ImKitsteR: #####HEY GUYS CAN I ALSO BE A WIZARD? I CAN GOOGLE STUFF
Oirammario12345: ##### Sure, anyone can be a wizard if they want to.
ProcrastinHater: #####EVEN THE LOWLIEST OF US CAN BE AN WIZARD
Oirammario12345: ##### That is where you are wrong, fellow wizard. Only Reddit Wizards with over 2 years of experience can be true wizards.
ProcrastinHater: #####Look at my history, veteran. I do have 2 years under my belt.
Oirammario12345: ##### I know, good friend. I was talking about you saying that the lowliest can be wizards. You of all people should know. Now let us fly away and take our wizard powers to subs that allow us the power. Keep in touch old man.
| 15 | 175.533333 | |
1403976607 | 1403983617 | t3_29c032 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by offending my boyfriends ex-alcoholic parents
Okay so me and my boyfriend were lying on the couch watching a show similar to Jerry Springer(I can't remember what it was called). The topic of alcoholism came up, a guy was explaining how he wanted his dad off alcohol and to act like a dad again. Now my boyfriends parents tend to enjoy their alcohol far too much and have been to AA meetings and such. I know my boyfriends feelings on this, it upsets him that they are like this. Then I stupidly start explaining how id hate if my parents were alcoholics and how it makes them shitty parents basically. I say something along the lines off 'I'd hate coming home and not knowing if I was going to find them dead from drinking themselves to death'. I look at my boyfriend and he is welling up, I mean his face his red and he has tears in his eyes. I immediately apologise and tell him I meant nothing I said, but it hasn't been the same since and I feel awful.
Help me!
WPBDoc: Your title confuses me...are they alcoholics or ex-alcoholics?
ytiedmai: No such thing as an 'ex-alcoholic'.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403972456 | 1404010104 | t3_29buo7 | t5_2to41 | 32 | daflyingcape: TIFU by trying to shop for lingerie
So I went shopping with my family in the city, and it was all great fun, until I really needed to pee.
We all went shopping, but I had to separate to go find the bathrooms; it was on the floor below. So I'm sure this is common, or not, but I like to put toilet paper nicely aligned with the toilet seat. I did my thing, washed my hands, everything's fine. I went straight two floors up, to the lingerie section. I was probably there for like a good fifteen minutes, going back and forth through the same aisle, trying to find some sexy bras. My sister called to see where I was since they wanted to head home, but I hadn't bought my stuff yet, so I told her I needed to pee again and that I'd be there in five minutes. When I finally bought some stuff, and hid it in my bag, I flew down two escalators to go to the bathroom so I can pretend like I just got out of there. But on the way, I heard my mom calling me, my entire family was browsing by the escalators, and saw me running off.
I turned around and told her I really needed to go pee, and she gave me this look of disgust. I was so confused, until my sister couldn't stop laughing, and was coming towards me mouthing "butt".
Then I realised. I starting going backwards into some racks, and starting feeling up my butt, and lo behold, the longest trail of toilet paper just hanging outside my jeans.
My sister caught up to me, and just wouldn't stop laughing, and in between she would say "aww!" and it was just awful. She later told me how it was RIGHT in the middle of my butt, and while I was running, it was "flying behind me like a cape, like you were so proud of it!"
chicken7651: Relevant username
Francis-Hates-You: That's because it's a throwaway.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1403974443 | 1404024752 | t3_29bx4v | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by hiding my gf in closet.... naked
Happened yesterday, but I will post anyway. I'm still not over this and I think it will traumatize me forever.
I'm an Indian guy. We pretty much aren't allowed to have girlfriends till our parents approve... which is usually right before marriage. I have a girlfriend and my parents don't know. Well, didn't know :(
I like to think of myself as a smart man. Yesterday, I decided to invite my gf to my house while both my parents were away. They always leave at 8 and come back at 5. Always :(.
I got my house ready. A lot of Indian neighbors live around my house, who know my family very well. So, I put the blinds on, lights out, etc. Just made sure no eyes could see inside my house from outside. Shouldn't have done this :(
Its 1 in the afternoon and my gf comes. She sees the darkened house and I tell her why I made it so. She's Indian too, so no further explanation was needed. So we just chit-chat, eat something, and chill. The whole house was to ourselves, of course sex was coming ;).
We went to my room, and got started. It was great. She's great ;).
..... we are going at it, and suddenly I hear the sound of keys at the main door. Never had my mom come so early from work.. how would she today? So I get off of my gf and sit beside her, not believing that anybody could be home at 3.. Well, today, my mom decided to do grocery and come home early. I knew that after I heard the sound of plastic bags and the opening of refrigerator. Shit shit shit shit.
I told gf my mom was home. We both panicked. I asked gf to hide inside the closet. I managed to put on my shorts, but she was naked ;(
This is where I fucked up. My mom noticed pink shoes at the door.. she told me later.. and the dark house. She knew something was up. My mom is smart. She gave me the car key and asked to go outside to bring some more groceries from the car. Meanwhile, she went to my room, looked around, and opened the closet. Tada, a naked girl from our neighborhood... whom she knows :(.
I come back from the car to let mom know there weren't anymore groceries there. Mom plays cool and doesn't say anything to me. I go to my room to check on my gf, who is still inside the closet and FURIOUS. "MOM SAW ME. GRRRRRR" It took me a while to figure out what had happened. Mom just tricked me to come check my room. I told gf I'm sorry, and asked her to get out of the closet. She dressed herself while I went to mom and super-nicely asked "mom. you noticed P in my closet? She came for some help because her computer at home wasn't working." Mom said, "Huh? Yes" with the fakest smile. I said "I'm sorry" and just left to go to my gf. She was devastated and still angry at me. I assured her everything was going to be alright, and took her to the room where mom was. My gf insisted on leaving, and mom was saying "Finish your work and go. Did you get the computer stuff done?" My gf said "I finished some of it and would do the rest at my friend's house." She left. I thought that was really nice of mom. Mom left in a bit too, saying she had to go back to work.
After mom left, I called my gf and said sorry some more. She was mad at first at my negligence, but she understood. Latet, mom came back but we talked nothing of what happened earlier. She probably didn't tell dad either. I don't know. I don't want to think about it right now.
Today morning, I caught mom alone and told her sorry and I would never repeat it again. I asked her how she figured out. She told about the pink shoes and dark house. I don't think I'm so smart anymore. I also told my mom to not tell P's mom and dad because that would put P in trouble. She assured she wouldn't. I think mom handled it greatly, and I have learned my lesson. BUT STILL, I can't get over it. I feel awkward around mom and dad still.
FNABolt: If you're not man enough to "get a room" than you shouldn't disrespect your folks house like that. Motels are a great place to bang and not worry about parents, siblings, or neighbors noticing.
boss_rokky: If you're not man enough to deal with the fact that your kids will eventually grow up and have adult relationships, don't have kids.
Osafune2: This.
Oh no! Your child has normal sexual urges in the 21st century! What evil is this?!
DeviacZen: Must be those video games!
Frosty1601: Fox News will love you!
| 6 | 5 | |
1403979392 | 1404011175 | t3_29c3s9 | t5_2to41 | 41 | tumblrtifu: TIFU by browsing tumblr high
Definitely not as bad as a lot of the TIFUs on here, but still I fucked up and thought other people might get a little kick out of my dumb mistake.
Last night (technically this morning so it still qualifies!) I was hanging out at a friend's house and we were taking waterfall hits so my head was pretty upside down by the time I went home at 3 am. Back at my house I was on the toilet looking at tumblr on my phone (I have a tumblr page where I post my artwork) and I noticed that a girl I knew in high school had reblogged one of my pieces. I clicked on her blog out of curiosity and the second-most recent post was a picture of her completely naked on a nude beach. High me forgot that I was in the tumblr app and, eager to get a closer look at the image, double tapped the picture to zoom in. That's how you zoom in on photos in the built-in picture app on the iphone, but in the tumblr app a double tap is the shortcut to liking the post, so I accidentally liked this girl's nude photo. Of course I immediately unliked it, but if she had a smartphone of any kind chances are the damage was done because she would have gotten a notification from the app to her phone saying I liked the post. Pretty embarrassing because although I don't know the girl that well, she's still friends with some people I know and will likely see a lot in the future.
[deleted]: Grow some balls OP, if she complains about it she is crazy for posting it on a public website, then linking her blog to yours by liking your artwork. That would be akin to me emailing someone then getting pissed that they emailed me back.
tumblrtifu: You're definitely right about the fact that she can't complain about me seeing the picture.
Exuromei: OP she posts a nude pic because she WANTS people to like it... If she is going to be awkward about it (which she shouldn't if it wasn't anon) she shouldn't be posting naked pics on the internet.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1403980096 | 1404023727 | t3_29c4os | t5_2to41 | 68 | Ask-Me-Later: TIFU by sneaking over to my girlfriends house
So today is my little brothers birthday and he had the party at the public pool. I got bored like the dick of an older brother i am and decided i wanted to get to my gfs house for some sex while her mom was at work. everything was fine and dandy until her mom called and says shes pulling in to the garage. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I get pants on and hide in the closet. Its been 20 minutes. Send help.
TL;DR, always think with your bigger head
Update: She got her mom to leave. She texted me and told me it was cool to leave. Before i left i took a victory shit
yourclassicgrandpa: Update us already!
Ask-Me-Later: Just did!
yourclassicgrandpa: **Victory Shit FTW**
Ask-Me-Later: I feel like ive deserved it. It wa the scariest moment of my life
Amateur_Gyno: This part of the story smells like (bull)shit and now the whole story is starting to smell like a horny teen that wants it to be true.
Ask-Me-Later: Cool man, dont believe it. Theres no point in making this up, i dont get karma for it
Amateur_Gyno: Shouldve left out the victory poo. That sent the story over the edge.
Ask-Me-Later: Over the edge of what? Realness? I didnt take the shit out of pure victory, i had to go and i didnt want to talk all the way through town clenching my cheeks
| 9 | 7.555556 | |
1403969314 | 1404059276 | t3_29bqui | t5_2to41 | 90 | SmexMuffin: TIFU by quenchin’ an urge during a storm.
So it’s been storming a lot lately. This means that there is a lot of boredom in the air and not much to do other than stay inside and read, play video games, watch tv or.. who am I kidding? We all know what we do when we’re bored! It is also my time of month. This means I’m extremely hornier than usual. My brother had left to go over to his friend’s house and my parents were both at work. What better way to quench both boredom and my urges during this time than to take a nice long hot shower with my friendly vibrator.
So here I am standing in the shower taking care of them feedforward mechanisms with my right leg up on the edge of the tub for easy access. I’m going at it pretty hard and was almost at the point of climax when a huge clash of thunder rumbled the entire house and took the power. The lights went out and in my startled state, my left leg caved in and the right foot which was on the tub ledge kicked up straight into the air as my body hit the bottom of the tub pretty hard.
As for my vibrator? Well… it popped out. Now, this vibrator is a pretty cheap hard plastic one. It’s not fancy with silicone or jelly at all. Do you know what a vibrating piece of crappy hard plastic sounds like in a bathtub? **VRMMM CLICKITY-CLICK CLICK-TCKTCKTCKTCK!!! VRRMMMM CLICKITYCLICKCLICK!!** And it was LOUD. This startles me further. My automatic fear response kicks in and without thinking I quickly leap out of the shower sopping wet and blindly run to my room across the hall to find the candles and flashlight. I grab them and head back to the bathroom. I was in the middle of the hall when all of a sudden the lights turn back on. That’s when my brother and his 2 friends look up at me from the stairwell in horror. Fuck, they’re hearing the clanking cacophony of Ms.Clickety-clack and wondering what I’m doing wet and naked wandering around upstairs. I get to the washroom completely flustered. When I bend down to turn my vibrator off, I realize the damage I did.
Holy fucking shit. Blood trail everywhere. That’s when I heard from outside the bathroom door “ew… is that… blood?!” Yep…. I had left a nasty blood/shower/wetness concoction trail from my bedroom all across the hall to the bathroom. I did not want to get out of the shower again, but I knew I had to clean that up ASAP or it’d stain the carpet. After cleaning off and racking up some courage to leave the bathroom, I head out with some cleaning supply. Most horrible 20 minutes cleaning that. They didn’t say anything, but they knew…
To top it off, I didn't finish.
GuardstheGrey: I was seriously afraid you were going to land on the vibrator and pierce yourself D:. Still, that really must have sucked
DeviacZen: Or land on the vibrator and have it enter the dirt road...
GuardstheGrey: That sounds like a way someone would realize they are into that kinda thing.
| 4 | 22.5 | |
1403980717 | 1404019380 | t3_29c5jq | t5_2to41 | 14 | MCclawHammer: TIFU By telling a disabled woman to move it or lose it.
The factory I work at has a 15 minute long shift break every afternoon. Some coworkers and I utilize this time to play a vicious game of Foursquare out in the alley where we spray painted a court. We occasionaly have to stop play to let employees drive through the "court" to get to the shop. Today I saw a green Prius driving towards us, and then it just kinda stopped right where we were playing. I didn't really look at the driver, but I assumed it was a coworker, who also drives a green Prius, trying to fuck with our game. I yelled "move it or lose it, asshole!". I was kinda wondering why no one else so much as chuckled, and then I made eye contact with the driver. It was another coworker's wife. She's disabled and uses a wheelchair. Our "court" is right in front of the wheelchair ramp.
motivates_you: Hey, you spoke without thinking. We all do that so don't feel terrible about it for much longer. Now you'll think before speaking. Hey, you just became a better person!
I bet you'll feel even better if you apologize next time you see the driver of the green prius.
MCclawHammer: Absolutely planning on apologizing.
Dinosoarman: Say you're sorry, but nothing else. Anything beyond "sorry, i wasnt thinking at all." always backfires.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1403981089 | 1403983690 | t3_29c5ya | t5_2to41 | 7 | cpmar111: Well I didn't shit my self so I don't think this counts.
TheJackal8: It's all good.
cpmar111: :)
TheJackal8: Jackal jackal eh eh jackal jackal eh eh jackal jackal Santa iguana. This time for jackal.
cpmar111: [Um](http://i.imgur.com/SEpCU.gif)
Psionx0: Holy multiple uploads and downloads Batman!
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1403980507 | 1403983585 | t3_29c58h | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by not making sure my headphones were in the jak
My grandparents 50th anniversary party is this weekend, so last night we spent the night at their house. All the beds were taken, so I get the couch in the den. I'm a horny teenager, so after everyone's gone to bed I decide to listen to an audio of masturbation instructions. I choose an audio that advertises itself as bdsm, choking, spanking, the works. My step-moms ex-husband is also here (he lives in Hawaii and is visiting my step brother for a month), sleeping on the couch in the living room, which isn't very far from the den, maybe forty feet tops. I figure it will be fine as long as I'm quiet, he's probably asleep, plus getting away with it would be kind of hot anyways. I start going at it and right as I'm about to come, I notice my headphone jack is out. So now I'm just really hoping he didn't notice and avoiding eye contact the entire next week he's here. Things were awkward enough with us before, it just got ten times worse
Edit: jack. I really hate my phone
jamestere: Masterbation instructions? Serious?
dierabbitdie: Everything I do is embarrassing.
jamestere: But like.. you needed an audio book for it?
masterofwolves: *Masturbation for Dummies: Fourth Edition*
Narrated by Stephen Fry.
| 5 | 11 | |
1403981921 | 1404057349 | t3_29c71u | t5_2to41 | 611 | SomeFunnyGuy: TIFU - By telling my girlfriend I had to poop.
So after a nice dinner my girlfriend and I decided to take a drive up to our local video rental store. On the way there I started to have some uncomfortable bloating. Ya know the kind of gut ache that makes you shift in your seat and lean to one side or loosen the belt a few notches to make more room and pray that it will make everything all better.
I then proceeded to tell her that I wasn't feeling so hot. By the time we had pulled into the parking lot of the video store, beads of sweat were forming on my forehead. I even paused before I getting out of the car just to make sure that my inner organs weren't going to blow out of my ass when I stood up.
As we made our way into the video store, I realized I was at the point of no return. It was either go to the bathroom here, or wait until I got home which was just five minutes down the road.
I decided that at that time that I would bite the bullet and and just wait. This was my first mistake.
I suggested to her that we should only spend a few minutes looking for a movie because I had to get home to go to the bathroom. She sincerely agreed that just a few minutes would be enough time to pick out a movie.
This was my second mistake.
As we started looking through movies I realized that she was not looking for something as hard as I was. I started to feel like there was a hand inside me, pushing outwards at every movie I walked by. "Grab that one." "Persuade her to watch this one." "Agree to watch whatever one she picks out." Frankly it didn't matter at this point. Let's just cut to the chase I had to shit, and I had to shit bad.
I started to think that my whole gut bomb could just be merely gas. So I told her that I would be right back. I was now trying to drift as far away as possible from any potential human targets and open my bomb bay doors in hopes to just air things out along a nice empty aisle.
Nope.
The second I started to push I realized I had made a terrible mistake.
There was a payload to be dropped and now last bolt that was holding it all in was now dangerously halfway out of my ass.
I freaked.
As I clenched my ass I began to frantically look around for a bathroom, (needless to say this was one of those Blockbuster style ones that don't really publicly display that they have an actual bathroom for the public.)
Couldn't find one, looked at the counter and saw a huge line. I figured at that point I'll save myself the embarrassment of alerting the store I was about to blow up there bathroom.
I briskly walked back over to my girlfriend who was now on the other side of the store.
I tried to approach her in the most calmly fashion without causing a scene. However beads of sweat were now hanging from my face, my fist tightly clench behind me gripping my jeans and with my sphincter muscles shivering in terror.. I leaned up against the back of my girlfriends ear and whispered (In a soothing put your child to sleep monotone voice)
"I have to shit so bad..."
Before I could even finish the sentence of stating "...we have to leave the store now.." Some lady, NOT MY GIRLFRIEND turned around inches from my face and just blatantely stared into my eyes.
I couldn't believe it. I just told some stranger on accident in the most intimate and creepiest fashion that I had to take the meanest shit.
What did I just do?!?
IliveinLAandIvote: where in the world did you find a blockbuster?
lrxza: My exact thoughts this whole story
pyramidal_roof: OP didnt mention blockbuster til around 3/4 through the story though
lrxza: Just a "video store". Not any of those around where I live. People mostly just use Redbox. Or google.
[deleted]: You must live in one of those places with decent internet.
| 6 | 101.833333 | |
1403982020 | 1403984209 | t3_29c76e | t5_2to41 | 6 | hay4bay: TIFU by purchasing four versions of the same video game online.
Well it is the summer Steam Sale online and I've been waiting for the game Payday 2 to go on super sale. Last night it finally happened and when I went to purchase it, I saw that they also had the "Four Pack" on super sale. I thought to myself, "why not buy that? I bet it has all the DLC's and everything!" I purchased it right away and started downloading. Once it was done, I noticed that I only had the base game, none of the extras I thought were coming. I couldn't figure out where all my other content should be and I started frantically searching the website for answers. Well I'm not sure if it was me being high or because it was late at night, but I thought "I must just not be getting something, I'll check it again in the morning." I woke up this morning and started talking to my roommate about it. After talking about it, I realized what had happened. I had bought four versions of the game hence the "Four Pack." It was not four of the DLC packs, it was four versions of the game I'm assuming to give to friends as gifts. So I paid four four copies of the exact same game. Thank god I waited until it was on 80% off so I only spent $18, I feel like a moron all the same.
*TL/DR: I bought four copies of the same game on sale instead of buying the the extra downloadable content like I thought I was for $18.*
lordmalifico: Give the extras to friends!
69IDontCare96: I agree with this person, you might even be able to trade games with them.
lordmalifico: Right right.
Extra copies of a very popular game like Payday aren't a bad chip to have for the trading table, you dig?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403982145 | 1403998719 | t3_29c7cj | t5_2to41 | 19 | perirojo: TIFU by not using common sense on steam.
perirojo: Wow. Yall are awesome haha. As much as I'd like this to drag out and see what reddit comes up with, I'll go through the posts and pick the 3 90 minutes from the posting of this comment. That way those of you who didnt get it still have time to go get Payday 2 while its still $6. Y'all make me wish I had infinite copies of the game so I could gift them out like Oprah.
Thep0is0n: Thank you! :D We definitely need to do a couple of heists together!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1403984301 | 1403990170 | t3_29caj5 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating on a airplane.
GanjaGalore: Sounds like a pretty sticky situation.
Lord_Lemoncakes: Oh cum on, it coulda been worse
G00dDay: Jizzus guys, stop making jokes
| 4 | 5 | |
1403984124 | 1403989036 | t3_29caa9 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU Thanks Republican Obama!
wwarnout: WTF?
[deleted]: /s?
How people wouldn't get that...is far beyond me...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403985792 | 1403989161 | t3_29ccp9 | t5_2to41 | 44 | Henry_Doucett: TIFU by getting my neighbours thinking that i'm teaching their kids to smoke
This just happened 10 minutes ago, I was outside on my porch smoking a cigarette, it was around 8 pm so it was getting dark, two six year olds are sitting on their porch next to me. I'm done smoking and since my ashtray was in the house I just toss the cigarette on the street, I had my headphones so I didn't hear what happened next: Apparently they saw something red (The cigarette flame) and pickuped the still lit cigarette butt and started playing with it, their parents came out and asked where they got it, their response was "The OP gave it to us", and the look on their parents faces was just so full of judgment I couldn't even explain what happened. So yeah, now I'm the guy who is trying to get six year olds to smoke.
motivates_you: Hey /u/henry_doucett, we all make mistakes and some things are out of our control.
You know what will make you an awesome neighbor and an even better human adult? Go next door and apologize for being mildly careless and explain that you'd never give their kids cigarettes.
Keep being awesome! Who's better than you? Nobody, that's who. Now go be stellar!
Paran0ix: Why can't you subscribe to redditors?
I want to read more of you!
I'm your official fan.
motivates_you: [oh, you stawp!](http://i.imgur.com/8rwCjdh.jpg)
| 4 | 11 | |
1403981862 | 1403997482 | t3_29c6z9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | nutellaisbacon: TIFU by not asking a girl for her number
Paran0ix: If a drugdealer wouldn't understand your situation, who else should?
Go for it and ask him straight away!
Do you both smoke some? Even better.
Tell her you bought some weed/whatever from that guy, then you just remembered that the dealer also got her number and you thought it would be awesome to smoke with her, so you asked him for her number.
nutellaisbacon: I texted him yesterday on the way back home and he never never even read it. And yeah, we both smoke. That's how we met the dude. We both git his number at the same time. He lives where we'll be going to school. I want to ask him again, but I don't want to seem pushy and weird.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403980854 | 1404077489 | t3_29c5ql | t5_2to41 | 217 | theshameistoomuch: TIFU by not wearing underwear
This actually happened the summer before I went to college. In an effort to impress my future classmates, I decided to go on a health kick which was probably my first mistake. The day started like any other, I got up and headed to the kitchen to make my smoothie (a disgusting concoction of kale and anything I could add to hide the taste). However, today I decided to add twice the recommended amount of flax seed and some laxative powder (I wasn't planning on leaving the house). Pleased with myself, I sat and waited for the worst. Thirty minutes passed and nothing, so I completely forgot about the shit storm brewing in my stomach.
That's when my mom asked if I wanted to go to the grocery store with her. "Of course!" I said I couldn't wait to get to get more of that sweet sweet shit powder. So I ran to my room to get dressed to find that of course my lazy ass had not done laundry in over three weeks, leaving me without any underwear and a small selection of clothes to choose from. Not thinking much of it I put on some loose fitting basketball shorts and figured that going commando for a day wouldn't be a problem. That's when it happened, as I was browsing the yogurt aisle, my stomach churned a little. I thought nothing of it and kept walking but then a huge cramp hit me and I figured that to relieve the discomfort I probably just had to fart. So I tried, but nothing happened so I dismissed it.
I felt something hot running down my leg. I looked around because I thought one of the freezers was leaking on me. But when I looked down to inspect what was on my leg, I saw I was standing next to a huge puddle of shit water. I couldn't believe that I had done this, but the brown stain on my shorts told me otherwise. Needless to say, I ran down the aisle and out of the supermarket as fast as I could and rode home in the car in shame sitting on a pile of newspaper and plastic bags. I have not done any grocery shopping since that day a year ago.
TL;DR: Took some laxatives and took a shit in the yogurt aisle of my super market.
DalekMD: Just happened to have taken lots of laxatives, had no underwear, and wearing basketball shorts, in a public place.....no sane person would ever do this.
Willhe69: Yep, the whole story stinks.
MyCreatedAccount: I call bs on this story.
| 4 | 54.25 | |
1403987791 | 1404076656 | t3_29cfgu | t5_2to41 | 53 | CanolaIsAlsoRapeseed: TIFU by almost killing my son.
So, I get up this morning with my 21 month old son like I usually do, gave him breakfast and sat him down to watch some cartoons. Then I decide to wash my dog, who smells like piss. I soap him up, start rinsing him off, and as I'm getting ready to get him out and dry him off, my son comes in crying like he hurt himself. So I go into the living room to look for clues, and immediately I spot it: my ecig tank sitting on the couch, leaking juice everywhere. I had it sitting on the kitchen table, which he hadn't been able to reach until today, apparently. I run back over to my son, who is now slobbering uncontrollably, and for the first time in my life, felt true panic and terror. I pick him up and run to the bedroom to get my wife, who is already awake from my son's crying and my screaming. I tell her what happened, she calls 911 and he starts throwing up. So I hold him over the sink and try to help him get it out. I pass him off to the wife so I can throw some clothes on and go out to meet the paramedics, who in turn call poison control and get my son's vitals. The lady at poison control said she wasn't too concerned, but we decided to take him to the hospital anyway. So my wife rides with him and I drive the car to the hospital, during which timehe passes out. We get to the hospital and stay there for about four hours so they can monitor his vitals. He threw up once more and was shaky and jittery for about an hour and a half, but his O2 levels and heart rate stayed normal and he eventually (thankfully) got his energy back. So the moral of the story is (no shit, Sherlock) don't leave poison lying around for your kids to play with.
poohspiglet: And don't leave them around for pets to get into either. I've read some horror stories about that. Isn't that like pure nicotine with flavoring? Nasty. So glad to hear he is okay. How's about you quit that bad habit?
thatmillerkid: It's actually mostly water, with glycerin to make it smoke, and nicotine+flavoring for obvious reasons. In terms of bad habits, I'd say it's around the same level as biting nails or scratching your balls in public. Not attractive, but certainly not harmful.
MyNameIsSkittles: Thats not true at all. New studies are popping up proving e-cigs are as harmful as cigarettes. The crap is still in them, only difference is theres no tobacco.
And nicotine is still nicotine. You're just substituting one addiction for another.
112524: I it's not got any tar and is a lot easier on the lungs ergo it's better for you than smoking. However if it's a cheap ecig, plastic fumes are a possibility so not quite doing what you want
poohspiglet: Essentially the lesser of two evils. How about no evils in your life like this, and not be a guinea pig for these new products? The long term effects are yet to be determined.
112524: OKay, let's all become mormon!
No alcohol for you, no coffee or tea for you, no driving for you, no electricity for you, no ready meals for you...
Do you realise how retarded that is?
poohspiglet: What is stupid (I don't use "retarded" ever, as it is a huge faux pas), is people thinking that this was no big deal. This story could have ended up with a very sad ending. When you have kids, the game of life changes. If you want to kill your dumbass self either by imbibing new "safe" inhalants, that's perfect. Darwin appreciates your commitment. However, once you injure or maim or traumatize your child, you rise to a new level of ignorant. Adults should act like adults and put their toys and poisons away. If this incident makes OP think twice about what actions of his that will be mimicked or attempted by his child, then great on the whole situation. But if it doesn't, there's something wrong with OP.
112524: I'm not saying that people should go around poisoning their child, but I don't use ecigs myself, but surely you realise that alcohol is more dangerous than ecigs... Everyone makes their own decisions, you probably drink, you're doing the same damage, just to other areas of your body... Smoking damages your mouth, throat and lungs causing cancers in theses areas. Vaping causes much less damage to these areas. Alcohol damages your mouth, throat, oesophagus, stomach, liver, kidneys and may more areas, so let me ask you, why are you so anti-vaping and anti-smoking, but alcohol is fine? Why do you prefer alcohol to vaping even though it causes more damage?
poohspiglet: > Why do you prefer alcohol to vaping even though it causes more damage?
First off, this isn't about me, nor is this conversation about alcohol; and secondly, show me your long-term statistics on the e-cigs that shows after extended use, there is no damage. All you're doing is comparing one vice to another. I am anti-idiots-harming-children. Did you read any of my other posts all the way through?
112524: Yes, I know he left the ejuice on the table, yes it's poisonous, I am not condoning this, I think it is a ***major*** fuck up on the part of OP, I'm not say OP is in the right, he's in the wrong, I don't know why the fuck you're talking as if I'm protecting OP, so why are you saying this?
Ecigs have not had *long term studies*, as they are a relatively new thing, and never did I say they cause *no* damage. So get your head out of your arse and learn to read... You're claiming I didn't read any of your comments when you're making comments that are almost completely irrellevant talking about things that I wasn't talking about
poohspiglet: > so why are you saying this?
It's not worth my time to deal with your comprehension problems. Have a nice day and if you have the time, check the difference between a claim, assertion, statement, and a question.
112524: Are you serious, you're ignoring everything that I'm saying and just spouting some fucking stupid shit, grow up man, people don't like dealing with people like you
poohspiglet: > people don't like dealing with people like you
.
112524: You literally just ignored the fact that I thought what OP did was wrong and kept on saying mentioning the fact that it was wrong. You ignored it and continued to mention it acting like I thought that OP did nothing wrong...
poohspiglet: > ignored
.
| 16 | 3.3125 | |
1403982747 | 1404046147 | t3_29c882 | t5_2to41 | 3 | mbattrum: tifu I ruined a life with an egg
WColt: you're a dick, but i cant blame you. she throwed the party, shit like this happens
mbattrum: Yer I know but she might of been exaggerating but still feel bad
| 3 | 1 | |
1403990273 | 1403991140 | t3_29cipb | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching porn on my psp
it was last year in the summer, my family rented a house near barcelona for vacation. we were 2 weeks there. and at the end one day while i was about to go in the shower, i though man i want to fap.
so i download some porn on my psp and placed it where i could see the video without having to hold the psp. i set it to play them all on repeat.
so i fap, finish showering and go to the living room playing some games.
then after a while my dad comes to me, lays the psp on the table and says, dont do that. it immediately hit me that i left the psp there playing porn for like an hour. we never spoke about it but now i can laugh about it
Beard_Hero: So the real question is, did Dad explore the contents of the psp.
WColt: i dont think so, he turned it off. when i got it i ripped the battery out as fast as i could so i had no chance of checking that, sorry
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1403990367 | 1404003802 | t3_29civ8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking when a dead baby was due.
This happened 2 weeks ago.
I was talking to a coworker whom I thought was pregnant again (she and her husband had been trying for a while). I tried to casually bring it up, by mentioning something I had heard in the news. Then, I asked, "when is yours due?" Worst. Mistake. Ever. She goes, "I'm not pregnant. Are you talking about the girl I had last year? Is that who you're thinking of?" INSTANT REGRET. ABANDON SHIP. WAVES OF APOLOGIES.
Still can't stop thinking about how badly I fucked up. Feel so awful.
not_octoham: I did the same thing... Kind of. I went to an old pizza hut I had worked at about 6 months prior to say hey and see how everyone was doing. I came up to one guy who I knew his dad was not doing so good last we talked. So, I go up top him and say " hey man. How you doing? Hows your dad? " to which he replies " uhmm not so good, he passed away about 3 months ago...so" oh my god. I had no idea what to say except the obvious. " oh man I'm so sorry, are you doing alright? " then I pretty much just hightailed it out of there. Felt so bad. so don't worry. I've been there.
Edit: typos. On mobile.
Wooshio: You didn't fuck up in any way, how were you supposed to know his dad died? It was nice of you to remember and ask actually, and I am sure the guy feels that way too.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403991259 | 1404047659 | t3_29ck1z | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by housesitting
This was actually told to me by my friend, but I think it needs to be shared.
Her friend (Sue) was living in Chicago at the time and a friend asked her to housesit and watch over her old sick dog. The dog ended up dying while Sue was there and she called her friend (Ashly) and asked her what to do with it. Ashly told her to take it into the city where their vet is and they will cremate the body. Sue didn't have a car at the time so her only option was to take the train. She put the dog in a plastic bag and then into a duffle bag and got on a train.
On the train a very cute man sat next to her. They talked the entire car ride and he seemed like a chill guy. They ended up getting off at the same stop. As Sue struggled to pick the duffle bag up the man asked her if he could help carry it. She panicked because she didn't want him to know about the dead dog in her bag.
He insists and asks her what was in the bag. Sue told him it was just electronics and she could carry it. The man then punched her in the face, grabbed the bag, and ran off.
TIL, 1) Don't talk to strangers, even if their cute.
TL:DR Sue took a dead dog on the train and it got stolen.
gameratwork666: Your boyfriend got that story from this sub....look around. You'll find it.
lavenderfox: This story is an old urban legend.
x420xNOxSCOPExBEASTx: People may be down voting you but I have heard this story before on a 4Chan green text. So either this is common occurrence or OP just ripped a copypasta off of 4Chin.
lavenderfox: Thanks, I heard it as a friend of a friend of a friend kind of story in college, probably around 2004!
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1403992115 | 1404063547 | t3_29cl7l | t5_2to41 | 1,715 | 11hangover: TIFU by getting drunk with my 11 year old daughter.
Me and my sister are really close in age. She's just 10 months older because we're so close in age we've always hung out in the same crowds and been really good friends. My sister now has Leukaemia and she isn't doing too well. There's a solid chance she's going to die and she's not even 40 yet. Our mom died at the ripe but still kind of young age of 74 just a few months ago and honestly I'm happy. It's good that she doesn't have to see her daughter this way.
Yesterday my wife went out to do something with my oldest daughter and I stayed at home with my 11 and 7 year old. My girls put on a movie and I went into the living room for a bit. I was getting sad about my sister and started drinking. I was drinking to the point that I was impaired but not drunk on my ass. After a bit my daughters came in and asked me what I was having and if it was good. I told them they could have a sip. My 7 year old hated it and walked away like I expected her to but my 11 year old actually liked it. I told her that she could have one because my judgement was impaired and she had one. I just kept going getting more and more drunk until I was willing to let her have as much as she wanted. I kind of wanted her to get a bit impaired so that we could act goofy together and I could forget everything (I wouldn't have thought that way if I was sober)
Eventually she was sprawled out on the carpet and I went down on the carpet and just started hugging her on the floor we both started singing loudly and my 7 year old was screaming at us to be quiet. So we were even louder for a few seconds and then respected her wishes
My wife came home and she was of course appauled. The next day when I came to my senses she said to me "I understand that you're going through a rough time right now and it's not easy for you but it's going to be a while before I forget this." She's right to say so but I just want her to know that nothing of the sort will ever happen again and she doesn't seem as convinced
[deleted]: This is the type of situation people describe when giving their leads in AA.
[deleted]: I second this. You may not like to hear it but you belong here. I disagree with some here saying "learn your limits - this is the sort of stuff that qualifies as needing to abstain entirely.
You realize that this was incredibly terrible decision. Please consider seeking help.
Edit: From all of the hullabaloo below I just hope OP hears me. I think for some people, moderation is not possible. If 2 turns into 5 quickly and you make choices like that, you shouldn't pick up the first one.
I am one of those people, and this is where I'm coming from. There are many paths to getting your head on straight, AA's just one of them. I didn't have the resources for outpatient or therapy, and I needed people who get it to hold me accountable instead of telling me to just "learn to be moderate or "get it together." It gets better OP.
revolting_blob: Addiction help, sure, but AA is bunk... someone had to say it.
tr3v1n: AA helps some people. Others may find help elsewhere but it does still do a lot of good.
revolting_blob: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effectiveness_of_Alcoholics_Anonymous
Free_Blowjobs: Effective for Christians, maybe. These are the actual twelve steps used in the program:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. *Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.*
3. *Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.*
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. *Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.*
6. *Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.*
7. *Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.*
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. *Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.*
12. *Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.*
LilyMe: As a person who belongs to AA, let me tell you that it most definitely is not a "Christian" organization. AA was founded in 1935. Back then most things were filtered through a Judeo-Christian set of values. Today "God" can be whatever you want it to be. It can be the chair you're sitting in, I've heard people refer to God for them as a "**G**roup **O**f **D**runks, it can be the ocean or the night sky. The point is that there is something bigger in the universe that can help restore me to sanity. Maybe you believe that is all make believe and a complete line of bullshit and I'm delusional but the fact of the matter is, I've been sober since 1998 and I know it is because of my involvement with AA.
Free_Blowjobs: Still, it seems silly to have to force your own world view into a so-obviously religious-based edict.
I think the main benefit of AA is having a support group there. The "praying to something bigger than yourself to save you because you're not strong enough" aspect is bull schnitzel, to me. You have been sober because you have done so yourself, with your own willpower—which is pretty amazing, honestly.
But I don't see why God or a "higher power" has to be brought into it.
I'm not an alcoholic, but I do procrastinate. And I feel like it's a similar addiction. I wish they had a "procrastinators' anonymous."
granfailoon: I'm an atheist. I'm very practical. And I also know/have known some people who are addicts.
Here's the problem with saying AA is "bunk": there's no viable alternative, to my knowledge. So my atheist side has to bow to my practical side and say, for the addicts that I know, that AA/NA is better than nothing.
I think in this case, atheists need to shut the fuck up. If WE are not going to provide addicts with the support groups they need (support groups in EVERY town, and with a presence in the world that EVERYONE knows about) then we need to get the FUCK out of their way and let them do their thing. Getting help through a quasi-Christian organization is still getting help -- provide something better or shut up. These are people who are *so* broken that they are worried that they will (or realize they are on a track to) kill themselves or others. They don't have our luxury of deciding which theology or support system is the most logical to use -- they're grappling for basic survival, their former personalities, hopes/dreams, and logic/beliefs often left years behind and forgotten.
Yes, the main way it works is through the support group. I think -- I mean, I've never been through it personally, so I wouldn't really know, but I'd know better than most non-addicts. And you know what? That's fucking fine if it works -- and social pressure works for most people most of the time (even Redditors love a circle-jerk, I've heard). When you're at rock bottom, you are grasping at straws, seriously.
If atheism is to phase out religion, we need a world where there is *secular* help for the poorest, most downtrodden, and most psychologically ill of us. We don't live in that world yet. And as an atheist I'll fight tooth and nail for help for such people *regardless* of where it comes from. Replacing religious help with no help is NOT something to do.
EDIT: please excuse my strong language; I feel passionately about getting all people the help they need. And thanks to Free_Blowjobs for not turning this into a mean debate :)
Free_Blowjobs: 人可以去一個"Secular AA group." As for the rest, you're arguing stuff I never even touched upon, and I am scared.
granfailoon: For the first part, that's great, and I hope the secular AA groups expand to the point where everyone has access to them. We're not there yet, though.
For the second part, that's because (1) I'm not having a private conversation with you, and (2) I don't care what you, the person behind the screen thinks. No offense meant to you, the person; it's just that you're not an addict and you don't need help, so your thoughts on the matter are irrelevant to me in this context. I am instead addressing common criticisms, some from your comments upthread, and others just in from the community at large in this day and age, and they were inspired by your post, not as a direct reply to it. This is a public forum and I **don't want any criticisms of AA to turn away addicts who need help and who are reading this. They don't have to go to AA for help, but they have to go somewhere, and AA is an okay place to start.** What you wrote upthread sent this message to them: "The only organization that would help you, AA, is a bunch of bullshit and so there is no helping you period." Please in the future mention alternatives to AA when you criticize it. I think we are both on the same side here (more help for the needy, less religious bullshit on the way), even if we are arguing about how to get there.
Free_Blowjobs: Goshypoodle. You're the second person to say "don't criticize it." These people, I have discovered, are delicate daisies. One small footstep of ratiocination could flatten their will. And I tread lightly, even.
In any case, I argue all the time against people with whom I'm on the same side. I love debate. But I'm nevertheless still scared.
Also, I didn't downvote your comment, just so you know.
granfailoon: Addicts ARE delicate daisies. They're psychologically troubled or diseased, as we both agree, and their wills get flattened all the time by shit like this. We can't blame them for that: it's how *all* psychological distress works in mammals. It's not MY feelings that are important, but THEIRS.
\* disclaimer from the author, granfailoon: this message is not written with the intention of changing the opinion of the replier, Free_Blowjobs. It is written with the intention of informing *all* those who criticize help for addicts and who might be reading this message on a public forum on the world wide web. It is the hope of this author, granfailoon, that people who criticize help for addicts do not leave criticism alone, but that they also leave a FUNCTIONAL ALTERNATIVE to AA for such addicts. In colloquial terms, that they put up or shut the fuck up.
How is that? ;) I'm trolling you a bit at the end, but my message is still meant sternly.
Free_Blowjobs: 我很喜歡你。
granfailoon: Same :) Have fun out there, and best wishes.
| 16 | 107.1875 | |
1403994508 | 1404177888 | t3_29co9x | t5_2to41 | 4 | Nathaniel1995: TIFU by being set up with a weird girl when I was very drunk
Malamutewhisperer: Be an adult and tell the girl you made a mistake, and apologize.
You'll be surprised how easy it is, and you won't be mind-fucking the girl (who sounds slightly crazy to begin with).
No, it's not fun, but do the right thing.
Nathaniel1995: Good idea I will do that now.
Malamutewhisperer: Hope it went well!
| 4 | 1 | |
1403992380 | 1403997513 | t3_29cljy | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by packing my electric toothbrush.
This happened last year, but I was reminded of it after reading this: [TIFU by leaving the batteries in my vibrator](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/29bdzh/tifu_by_leaving_the_batteries_in_my_vibrator/)
I'm a guy that likes to gamble, so I went to Atlantic City for a few days to play blackjack. I packed a nice small duffel bag with enough clothes for 4 days, plus my razor, shaving cream, electric toothbrush, toothpaste, etc.
Well I had already had a long day, and the Drive to AC was the last straw. By the time I got to the Borgata I was dead tired. I just wanted to check into room and go right to bed. After getting my keys, I went to the elevators, and waited patiently for an elevator with a group of older woman, who were all probably between 60 and 80 years old. Finally an elevator came, and me and about 8 to 10 of the old women piled into the elevator.
I was so happy to be finally heading towards my room that I just dropped my duffel bag right onto the floor of the elevator after pressing the button for my floor. As soon as my duffel bag hit the floor, it went "BBBUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ." My electric toothbrush had turned on, and it was so loud because nobody in the elevator was talking. All of the women looked at my bag, looked at me, and then started laughing hysterically. Then I'm trying to shout over the laughter by saying "It's my toothbrush! It's my toothbrush!" And they're laughing and saying "Mmmhhmmm"
I quickly get down on my knees and tear open my duffel bag to search for my electric toothbrush, but I can't find it. The whole time it's still going "BBBUZZZZZZZZZ". Meanwhile, the elevator gets to their floor, the doors open, and they all step off still laughing. I'm left in the elevator by myself and on my knees with my bag going "BBBUUZZZZ". Before the elevator doors close, one of the woman looks me dead in the eye, winks, and says "Have fun"
shindoushuichi: are u male or female? [could have been worse] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/29bdzh/tifu_by_leaving_the_batteries_in_my_vibrator/) lol
tesladriver: I'm a guy.
shindoushuichi: omg that makes it even better. if I were there I'd have said "you brush your teeth with that thing?" feigning my best look of shocked disbelief.
tesladriver: HAHAHA that's good one!
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1403997001 | 1404010177 | t3_29crqp | t5_2to41 | 4 | Skyrim_stan: TIFU by giving my baby momma child support!
So for the last year and half or so, I've been having baby momma drama. I stupidly impregnated a girl when i was 17 (she was 16) and the drama between the two of us has only increased. But thats a fuck up for another time. The fuck up which I am here to talk about today is what she pulled just hours ago.
So she recently came out of hiding for who knows what reason and comes to my door step to ask for child support because she is broke and has no job. This is fantastic. I want to pay child support and I want to be part of my child's life. So I say cool! Lets fill out all this fun paperwork and get me on the birth certificate.
So after all this was all said and done, we agreed that because i haven't started my career job yet (Becoming a Marine) we would settle for temporary child support which I could afford. We agreed to $75. And she was civil about it for the most part. At one point she asked for back pay but I told her that wasn't fair since I tried to get her to acknowledge me as the father before but she refused and dodged two court summons. So I convinced her to not pursue that option and instead help me help her for the time being until i shipped out to boot camp and could giver her a bigger percentage of my income.
Well the court has not yet responded to our child support case yet and she is getting antsy. So she calls me up today to tell me she wants child support for the month of June. I tell her no, not until i get the court order to start paying you child support, it should only take a couple more weeks. Well then she says I'm being selfish. I ask her what she needs. She says diapers. I say ok, i will buy diapers. Then she threatens to call the child support enforcement department (which mind you they couldnt do anything anyways since child support hasnt even been established yet.) but to keep the peace and keep her cooperative I tell her that i just dont have the money right now. Well she doesn't take to kindly to that and then threatens to try to ruin my job plans.
Well i get irritated and tell her she is a worthless bum who should get a job or at least allow me to get mine with her interfering. I tried to explain to her that if she was patient for one month, i would be in boot camp and she would be getting a decent sum of my pay check. But then she turns around says "I just don't get it" and that "Its not about the money" and further more "That the child needs a daddy".
WELL.... OK! I say fine, I volunteer to take care of the child 24/7 so just drop her off and Ill be a daddy. Well then she says no to that proposal and says that I can't stand being around my daughter. Which is ridiculous because theres nothing I want more but anyways, ok. So I tell her off and tell her that the only thing she wants is to fuck me over. She says yup thats true.
I go and talk to my mom. My mom, being the nice, gullible person that she is, hands me $100 and tells me to give it to my baby momma. Well isn't that nice. I calm down a bit, and I tell her, "I can give you $100 for the month of June, come pick it up tomorrow"
And this is where i fucked up, because after all this she says "I will pick it up tomorrow. If you ever act like this again i will go through CSED. I have the paperwork so please don't test me."
I both lost my temper and started laughing historically. The only reply i could formulate was to laugh and hang up the phone. I hate this woman, and quite frankly i should rip this check in half and when she comes to pick it up throw it at her and tell her to fuck off.
TL;DR I hate my Baby momma, and I hate myself for trying to help her.
WWLadyDeadpool: You did the DNA before putting yourself on the birth certificate, right?
Skyrim_stan: I did that soon as the baby got out of the hospital. She had cheated on me twice before we broke up and during the time she got pregnant, so I had hoped it wasn't mine, but alas my luck is truly the shittiest
duffymcpatzer: Dude I realize you don't want to hear this but she is the mother of your child. Your freaking kid. You are going to have to man the fuck up and learn to tolerate her so that you can have some sort of normal relationship with your child. This all needs to be sorted out in court, but you need to focus on not fucking up your kid which is what it sounds like the both of you are doing.
| 4 | 1 | |
1403998196 | 1404000883 | t3_29ct7t | t5_2to41 | 13 | dumbmegotscammed: TIFU by getting scammed online
bulaguna: But if she recorded the chat, didn't she claim she was 19 in the chat?
dumbmegotscammed: she didn't mention her age explicitly next time.
bulaguna: Well that's sucky
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1404001138 | 1404013873 | t3_29cwu9 | t5_2to41 | 153 | Scr0tieMcBoogerballs: TIFU by going too fast on a water slide.
It's 2 AM where I live so it was technichaly yesterday.
Before we get to the water slide part, I have to let you know that I ate chinese food, that gets digested faster than any other food, for lunch. This will be important later in the story.
So a friend of mine and I went to a waterpark a couple hours after I ate the chinese food and I could already feel it was about to reach my anus. When we arrived at first everything was fine, I didn't notice it the whole time, but in the end of the day I had to take a shit like never before. But I absoluteley hate shitting in public toilets, because I had a bad experience once (people were making fun of me for taking a shit and kept kicking the door).
So I just held it in because we were about to leave anyway. My friend and I just wanted to try the water slide, because we forgot about it for the whole day. People in my area are so advanced in technology, that they have discovered if you pull down your trunks, you will be alot faster.
So I pulled them down, took a good swing and went off. I was going extremeley fast, but when I reached the end it hit me, literally. I dove anus-first into the water and it felt like I destroyed my sphincter. For a brief moment I was scared about having a shitload of water inside me now. I immediately rushed to the toilet, and took the most painful shit of my life. I'm so sorry, reddit, for not shitting inside the water, I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who have a strong will to hold in their poop.
I heard my friend shouting my name, but I just remained silent. When I got out, I put on my clothes and told my friend that I forgot I had to finish some work. I know he didn't buy it, but I couldn't come up with a better excuse.
Side notes: I apologize for any grammatical or spelling mistakes, English is my 3rd language and I also apologize for using the terms "taking a shit" and "shitting" so often, I couldn't think of any other way of expressing myself.
TL;DR: Almost destroyed my anus when I dove into the water.
[deleted]: [This]
(http://25.media.tumblr.com/4ff8598e25d72605750c72d4bf864020/tumblr_mkt4q77SaY1qdlh1io1_400.gif)
NSFW
Scr0tieMcBoogerballs: Oh god, now I have to imagine me leaving a trail of shit behind me while going high-speed down the slide... Thank you.
[deleted]: You probably weren't wearing a dress at the water park though
BULLSHIT_ASSHOLE: Or was he?
[deleted]: Maybe OP's the one in the gif?
BULLSHIT_ASSHOLE: I guess we will never know!
| 7 | 21.857143 | |
1404004430 | 1404010958 | t3_29d0q9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by going too far.
MyNameIsSkittles: And this is why you should always use some form of birth control.
pryrohead564: Always.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404003679 | 1404010753 | t3_29czx4 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my girl friend a nude meant for my boyfriend
So I just took a shower and decided to take a silly naked selfie for my man. I took the pic (which I was covering my boobs in, thankfully) and went to my texts. I thought he was the one I was just talking to so I sent the pic with the caption "silly naked girlfriend" and clicked send. It was at that moment I realized I had actually sent it to one of my girl friends who I forgot I replied to right before I showered. She was cool about it but I have a feeling the next time I see her, it's going to be a little awkward...
Brenvol: If I'm sending nudes out, you'd better believe I'm checking a dozen times that I'm sending it to the right person.
Exuromei: Same here, I really don't understand how this happens.... Double checking takes literally less than 2 seconds and saves you a lot of embarrassment and awkward situations.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404005337 | 1404011214 | t3_29d1sj | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by having to poop
Wasn't today but the last day of school (I discovered this sub today, thought this belonged here)
For weeks in advance the seniors at my school wanted a senior prank since the water balloon fight got cancelled since someone revealed it. Instead, it was going to be pull the fire alarm (dumb prank, wasn't me I'm a junior) but I am friends with a lot of seniors, I knew it was going to happen during first period and NO TEACHERS knew, so it was real for teachers and staff, just not students.
I went to go poop since it was a fiery deuce that was screaming which hurt so bad so I was forced to go drop this load. Was a great feeling, but the fire alarm was pulled mid-push. I couldn't get up and leave. Instead I hear actual alarms as I'm still doing the stinky since faculty thought it was a real thing and had emergency vehicles come.
After 15 minutes of everyone being outside, I heard someone walk in the bathroom and it was an actual fireman who said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE BUILDING NOW" so I was forced to just pull up my pants with doodoo still in my buttcheeks and I walked out of the building in front of all my peers next to a fireman while I was wearing some white gym shorts. I was too embarrassed and scared to see if I had a mark on my butt area on the shorts. Turns out I did have a brown stain but it was tiny.
Tl;DR- Had to poop, walked in front of entire school with poopy stains on my shorts
TheJizzBot: Hahaha why would you take a shit if you knew the fire alarm was gonna be pushed?
[deleted]: I fucked up!
TheJizzBot: Haha big time! What did your mates say after the incident?
[deleted]: They felt bad at first then I told them that I thought it was laughing matter then they laughed along but when I got inside I changed into a pair of my friends gym shorts
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1403990586 | 1404019694 | t3_29cj5i | t5_2to41 | 37 | whatwhatinmyear: TIFU by not getting rid of my ex's intimate stuff.
Well ok, I fucked up two years ago, but I only realised it today.
This the timeline:
3 years ago, I broke up with girlfriend of 4 years and it was a big deal, the works. Tears, angry/desperate texts, forced alcoholism by friends, rebounds to make each other jealous, insults, impromtu declarations of lingering love...
2 years ago, I was dating this girl I kinda liked, but she was way more into me than I was into her. We were just complete opposite so I wasn't sure if there was a chance of things working out. Anyway, in mid-summer I had to move apartments and while I was at work, she did some boxes for me. Didn't thought much of it (other than gratefulness), but this is where I fucked up. She started to act strange after that and we ended up breaking up two months after, but she never said why ('said she was "stressed" with exams, aka bullcrap). But, we stayed good friends anyhow.
Today, I moving again and I had to undo boxes that stayed in my closet the whole time. Didn't touch them at all for two years. Surprise, surprise, One box contained all the love letters, photos, post cards, explicit notes... Stuff I couldn't bring myself to throw away at the time but completely forgot afterward. I'm pretty sure she made that box and read everything. It's been too long for me to really care, but I probably broke her heart, which sucks lots.
TL;DR: Forgot my ex's love letters in a box who where then found by a later ex.
Funny thing is, I would have throw them away if she mentioned them :l
steezyvape: That sucks. If you guys are friends now, why not ask her about it? Just be like "Hey, I'm moving again and opened this box of old shit I didn't even remember packing. Did you pack all these old bullshit love letters I meant to throw out?"
Not that it's gonna get you back together with her, but just so you can get some closure, apologize and let her know they didn't mean anything to you.
whatwhatinmyear: Yup, that's the plan. I have no idea how she will react, though. She's ... hum.. unique (in a good way, but still...)
steezyvape: Aren't they all? Haha.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1404008349 | 1404011384 | t3_29d5e3 | t5_2to41 | 107 | Wind__: TIFU By Eating a Whole Habanero Pepper then Wiping my ass.
So this whole thing happened a few hours ago, Now before i go on i would say i'm moderate when it comes to how hot food is but this was over the top.
I was in Kroger's passing the veggie's and fruits when i seen they were selling whole habanero peppers, i've never tried one before and wanted to experience it, I'm gazing at them up close now and see a pretty decent sized one and decide to get it, I didn't want to wait till i got home so i decided while walking down a isle that i was gonna pick the stem off and just throw it in my mouth (i paid for it after). BAD IDEA. Once it hit my mouth i took about 3 solid chomps on it, The heat came out of fucking no where, I start sweating and feeling light headed, all while my mouth and throat are getting raped by burns, all while i'm walking down the isle.
I ran the fuck out of there so fast while the pepper was still in my mouth and spit it into my hand (opps) then threw it on the ground, Got to the car and drove home, Sat down and my mouth was still burning so i drank some milk. 5 minutes goes by and i start getting the urge that i have to shit. I rush to the toilet, Pull down my pants and sit down, I start doing my business and start unraveling the toilet paper WITH the hand i spit the habanero pepper on, Apparently it moves onto the toilet paper and i didn't realize that. I start wiping, do 1-2 wipes before i feeling the burning of a thousand dragons inside my ass and on the outside, THIS WAS FUCKING BAD, I get the fuck up, squeeze my cheeks harder then a bitches nipple and run down stairs to the paper towels in the kitchen, i grab a few and open up the refrigerator, Grab the milk and pour some on the paper towel, I then push the Milk-filled paper towels into my ass while feeling like my butthole just got gasoline on it and lit on fire.
TL;DR Ate a habanero pepper, Wiped ass, ended up with milk filled paper towels in my butthole
Turbo_Vince: You could have started a new trend with the Milk Enema, butt seriously quick thinking to go for the milk.
Wind__: Haha, i should've actually mentioned that before squeezing my cheeks and running naked to the kitchen, i got up from the toilet and sat on the sink, turned on the cold water and tried to angle it over my pooper.
I just thank god i decided not to touch the tip of my dick else i'd be dippin my dick in milk. I was unaware the habanero pepper is 300,000 scoville units. :(
Turbo_Vince: Imagine if you went to Dairy Queen, and just went up and asked if you could use their soft serve machine for........a thing.
| 4 | 26.75 | |
1404012425 | 1404046129 | t3_29da5h | t5_2to41 | 5 | The_Trevaler: TIFU By breaking up with my girlfriend
-eDgAR-: Sorry, but your post has been removed.
-eDgAR-: On a personal note, I'm really sorry that happened. I've gone through similar things and they suck, but there are better subs for this, like /r/offmychest or /r/Advice. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to pm me if you want to someone to listen.
The_Trevaler: Oh, thank you for letting me know- I'll put it there.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404005743 | 1404043940 | t3_29d2au | t5_2to41 | 33 | Wilhelm_Happy_Infant: TIFU by slingshotting a rock into my mouth
Well there I was, with my friends in the edge of a forest. We just got this new water balloon slingshot. One of those where you have two people hold the ends and one pulls it back. Unbeknownst to me and my buds, the slingshot was cheap as fuck, and maybe even wasn't designed for rocks. So after we get 2 people to hold the ends of the slingshot, I pick up a little rock, perhaps the size of a bloated goldfish. I proceed to put the rock in the pouch, making sure I keep it spread wide. I pull it back, about four or five feet. I let go, and for sure the rock goes flying. It comes back, and bam I now know what that rock tasted like. I grabbed my mouth and just fell the fuck over. My friends are still looking for the rock in the distance, and they think the slingshot just whipped me in the cheek or something. Meanwhile, I feel around with my tongue, and sure enough I have this sweet little hole near the right-center of my mouth. I just think "Of no please I can't be that stupid." One of my friends was even kind enough to help me pick up some tooth fragments. I stood up and just fucking walked in my shame. I lost two teeth, and am currently awaiting some root canals and more.
inselt: Reminds me of this: http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Watermelon_0baf12_1101042.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/InsignificantObviousFlyingsquirrel](http://gfycat.com/InsignificantObviousFlyingsquirrel)
---
^(GIF size: 988.47 kiB) ^| ^(GFY size:0.00 B) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 11 | |
1404016825 | 1404143058 | t3_29df46 | t5_2to41 | 144 | L5PAdhHaxd7gCqwdB0Vd: TIFU by making a breast cancer joke during sexytimes with a horrible twist
As sexytimes were commencing, working from top to bottom, GF asked why guys like boobs so much. Objectively, her inquiries were reasonable: the female breast is just some fatty tissue, like a butt cheek with a nipple; not so different from a man's (she has smaller breasts).
Anyways, I'm usually not bad at sexy talk, but my brain was not functioning at peak, probably due to a large, throbbing blood diversion (ok, maybe not large, cut me a break). Instead of a clever, panty wetting response, I seduced her with a crap joke about one of the most devastating diseases in medicine:
"We guys like to be sure that girls don't have breast cancer."
Normally, this would not really be too bad and would only have me hating myself a little bit more than usual afterwards. But this time, this was different.
Her mom was diagnosed that very day.
RegentRhyme: So after your girlfriend found out some devastating news that her mother had breast cancer she A. Was in the mood for sex and B. Asked why men like breasts so much. I smell bullshit.
L5PAdhHaxd7gCqwdB0Vd: Well I can't really do more than tell you it is true. Believe what you'd like; it's no big deal to me.
Username__Irrelevant: What's going on with that username?
jQueryNigga: OP's username is irrelevant, dammit!
Username__Irrelevant: But I gots to know!
L5PAdhHaxd7gCqwdB0Vd: It's irrelevant.
Username__Irrelevant: I regret choosing this username just because of how badly I want to know about yours.
L5PAdhHaxd7gCqwdB0Vd: *never*
Username__Irrelevant: [Damn you.](http://replygif.net/838)
| 10 | 14.4 | |
1404017594 | 1404079409 | t3_29dfv6 | t5_2to41 | 24 | longfellow96: TIFU Buying tickets on craigslist
So, my friends and I are headed into our first year of college and we wanted to make this summer epic buy doing a bunch of random things and going places that we haven't gone yet. We came up with this great idea to go to a WWE Pay per View event, Money In The Bank. We aren't wrestling fans at all.. just wanted to go for the atmosphere.
Friday night, 2 nights before the big show we are still without tickets, its a sold out event... We desperately need them, and we resort to finding some on Craigslist.
Guy has 3 tickets (Perfect!), says they are 4 rows from the ring (Perfect!) $500 for all three (Not Bad!)
Fast forward a few hours we are meeting him in Boston on Saturday morning, give him the cash and he gives us the tickets. Wow we are actually going to this thing, actually can't wait.
Tickets look good from the front, just as advertised, we are amped to go finally go..
BUT
Get home read the back fine print on the flip-side of the tickets and it talks about yankee stadium and how the tickets can only be used for MLB baseball games and that basically we just got scammed out of $500.
Absolute worst feeling right now... We have the guys number, we are trying to track him down to get our money back, btw any tips on how to get our money back?
TL;DR Never buy tickets off of Craigslist, no matter how good the deal
steezyvape: Failing to get your money back (I think it's unlikely you will, sadly) you can always put his phone number up in all sorts of places to blast his phone with spam. Bathrooms, online (4chan?) anonymous advertising for various... ahem... Services.
If you want to get really in depth, check out some info on social engineering and see how far until you feel vindicated for $500 worth of scam.
Good luck OP!
longfellow96: Can I post his number right now, right here for everyone to see?
AProstituteStrangler: Nope.
> 5.No personal info, no advertising, and no brigading. Posting, or seeking, any identifying personal information will result in a ban without a prior warning. This includes for yourself or other people, and refers to, but is not limited to, names, phone numbers, email addresses, facebook or other social media accounts.
longfellow96: Good thing I didn't post... Thank you for the reply
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1404015326 | 1404063865 | t3_29ddhd | t5_2to41 | 325 | Dogjumped: TIFU By not caging my dog
So, my dog goes crazy around loud noises. I think most dogs do, actually. Usually if I like cuddle him and stuff during a thunderstorm or fireworks, he's fine.
Well, tonight I went to a party at a friend's house, and I didn't even think to put my dog in his cage because lately he's been really good (he used to claw his way through the window screens and then run away whenever I went out). And since all my windows were either closed or had a window fan in them, I figured he'd be fine.
I was wrong.
I guess someone decided to it would be a good night to set off fireworks in my neighborhood. Since I wasn't home, my dog apparently went crazy.
It only occurred to me as I was coming home (around 8:30) that maybe my dog would get scared.
When I got home, I looked around and didn't see my dog anywhere. It looked like he had clawed at the living room window, but didn't have any luck getting out. So then I walked upstairs and into my room.
I knew one of my windows was closed, and the other had a fan in it, so I figured he must just have been cowering in there.
I walked in to find my room trashed. It looked like he had gone insane. But that wasn't what I noticed first. What I noticed, was that the window which used to have a fan in it, no longer had a fan in it. Instead, the fan was lying on the floor.
And then window....
The screen was ripped and clawed open. Like he had knocked the fan out, clawed the screen open, and jumped out.
This window is on the second floor.
I started freaking out. I ran downstairs and looked in the bushes which he would have landed in. He wasn't there, but it was obvious that he had fallen on to them and ran then away (the bushes were crushed down in one part, and there was a small trail off leaves going into the driveway).
I looked around the neighborhood for a while with no luck, so now I'm just waiting and hoping that he's still alive.
TL;DR: Didn't cage my dog, so he jumped out my second story window and ran away.
EDIT: (1:00 AM) My dog just returned home unharmed! So happy to see him. My dog successfully jumped out a second story window without a scratch.
EDIT 2: [Proof] (http://i.imgur.com/Ds24Vec.jpg) for all who doubt. (Sorry you can't really read the writing that well, but it's good enough.)
EDIT 3: To everyone telling me how to train my dog... Shut up. Seriously, it's wicked annoying. My dog is great, and extremely obedient, but he gets scared sometimes. I know you are all just trying to help, but I know how to train my dog, and I'm working on it. Let *me* worry about *my* dog, please.
Tylerjb4: Train your dog so it doesn't kill itself
Dogjumped: I'm trying.
natrlselection: I've recently adopted a dog, and have been doing a lot of reading. I've read that its actually not recommended to console your dog when they are afraid, because it reinforces the feeling of "its OK that you're afraid." Instead, you should try to occupy their attention during loud noises or during storms, so they don't have time to focus on the fear. I'll post a source in a minute.
Edit: The site in the link below has been very helpful to me. They recommend Cesar Millan's books. I'm not crazy about his books because the don't provide much actionable instructions. However, I do like his theories on training a dog. This website seems to have good instructions based on Millan's ideas:
http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/articles/stormfireworkfeardog.htm
dsfdgfgh: I would try to assert confidence around my dog during thunder or fireworks. Or occasionally tried get involved in something i knew well and was confident with (not a real example, but say you have been drawing assembling puzzles for years. do that around your dog its an activity that makes you think, you are comfortable with, you know well, and arent unsure of the outcome in a negative way.) the second is a theory i tested not one i had read about. actually neither is the first.
[deleted]: I've had my dog for a year and haven't been able to fix her fear of thunderstorms. Her Thundershirt, doesn't work. I got her prescribed Xanax, but it doesn't do much. I've tried playing low volume thunder sounds while giving her treats, but the moment she hears any deep rumble, she starts panting and loses interest in treats. Any suggestions?
dsfdgfgh: let me think it over and get back to you, otherwise what I say will come across as a blob of words.
| 7 | 46.428571 | |
1404016106 | 1404060857 | t3_29decq | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching Everybody Loves Raymond
As I'm sure many of you know, Everybody Loves Raymond has come onto Netflix. I had never seen it before, and it's hilarious. The brother is my favorite. Irrelevant. As I was saying, I was locked into the show. I heard my mother say something about groceries, but I wasn't paying attention. The brother was talking. I mumbled her off, and kept watching. Two hours later, I recieved a slap to the back of the head.
It was my little brother, whom I was supposed to pick up. My mom apparently told me to pick him up from summer school, about a 30 minute walk. That's not terrible, I mean a walk is good exercise right? The bad news was raining. Ok, that's horrible, BUT, it gets worse. On the way home, he was mugged. $200 gone. How did my brother get $200? From his birthday of course. Which is today. Guess how much he needed to afford the car he's been saving up since he was a kid: $200. He had finally bid our grandpa down for his old mustang, and only needed that money. So, I won't be watching ELR anytime soon. TIFU
Kademan: I feel like you should at least compensate him a bit for all that. I mean, it was his birthday after all.
Futuramafryday: The thing is, I gave him $100 and so did my mom for his bday. And while I do plan on helping him out for the $200, it's hard making barely above minimum wage in college
MajorJammage: Then give you brother $200 and cancel your netflix account for as many months $200 would have cost you. Come on man, obviously the mugging wasn't your fault, but you really fucked your brother over on his birthday.
Futuramafryday: My grandpa actually shares his Netflix account with my family, so canceling isn't an option. And he could have easily called me, I really don't know why he didn't.
Kademan: I completely understand the hardships of college and a not so great job. Hell, I work from 10pm-7am at walmart 4 days a week. But, I would say that maybe little by little you could give him a couple bucks each paycheck. I don't even have a brother, but I know that I would have felt so guilty and would try to make it up to him.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1404015918 | 1404035428 | t3_29de5b | t5_2to41 | 251 | [deleted]: TIFU by going through my grandmother's IPad.
So my tech-savvy grandmother got an IPad and an IPhone last year. She basically only knew how to get to facebook, email, and call people. She called me up and asked some basic questions and she seemed like she understood everything.
Fast-forward a few months and my parents rent a house on the beach. My mom invites my grandparents, me, my siblings, almost everyone that is related to us. One night my grandma comes in to my room and hands me her IPad. She tells me to download some games on her IPad and give it back to her in the morning, since she was going to bed.
I download a wide array of free games on her IPad. So It's about 9 at night and my little cousins are asleep, my grandparents are asleep. The TV in my room doesn't work, but I can't watch TV in the main room since that is the room that connects everyone's bedroom and everyone would be able to hear it. I am bored out of my mind and I look at the pictures on my grandmother's IPad. Thats not where I fucked up, all the pictures were innocent, and most of them were just pictures of family.
I decide to look at my grandmother's notes app. Oh my god.
She uses it as a diary. The elders of the family are very hush hush about things and I was very oblivious to the drama of my family. I knew there was some family drama because my grandma and my mom don't like my uncles's new wife.
The very first entry is "Found out, by accident, that Warren [my grandfather] and Maria are having secret conversations. Both admitted to it and said they were sorry! End of story. Warren claimed he only loves me, but needed someone to talk to. Not me but Maria"
The next entry was basically saying they were seeing some guy named Steve (I'm guessing it was a couple therapy guy) and they only need 3 sessions so they cancelled the 4th. So in the next paragraph Steve told my grandmother that my grandfather had an affair with someone named Ria. My grandfather then asked Steve to tell my grandmother about how he could make it right with her. He then brought my grandmother flowers and said he didn't want to lose my grandmother.
The last paragraph of that entry was "Personally I believe SHE the devil robbed him into it! As we know her maiden named was (SOME GERMAN LAST NAME IN CAPS), which means possessed by the devil.
I stopped reading it, but I took a picture with my phone of most of the entries, and I still have those on my phone.
TLDR: My grandmother asked if I could download games on her IPad, I did but I proceeded to look at the notes app and she used that app like a diary. I learned my grandfather had an affair, was sneaking around with another lady, and my grandmother thinks his mistress was possessed by the devil.
Hey____Now: why did you take pics with your phone?
_vargas_: He could use it to blackmail grandma so she starts making more chocolate chip cookies instead of those pussy oatmeal raisin ones.
fundayz: Why would you blackmail grandma and not grandpa? Sounds like grandma already has it bad enough
_vargas_: Grandpas's cookies taste like room temperature cottage cheese and ball sweat. He's not making me squat.
waterhybrid13: Can confirm, am cookie
| 6 | 41.833333 | |
1404019472 | 1404069779 | t3_29dhm8 | t5_2to41 | 36 | jross1989: TIFU by taking a shit in the bush
So today I went out to the gun range to do a bit of shooting. This range was kind if a redneck range so it only had an outhouse. I had to take an emergency shit when I got there so I ran to the outhouse. When I opened the door I found out that rats or some other rodents had decided to make the outhouse into their house. Not wanting to risk getting my ball sack bitten by a rat I decided to try hold the shit in and maybe it would go away. Well it didn't go away, now it was becoming a serious problem. I always keep a roll of shit paper in my truck just in case so I grabbed it and headed for some trees.
Now the mosquitoes weren't too bad in the short grass but, in the bush was a different story. There were so many damn bugs I could hardly breathe without eating a mouthful of bugs. The poop was starting to turtle now so I just blocked the little biting bastards out of my mind, dropped my shorts, and squatted against a tree. That shit was the best one I have ever had. After it was all out I wiped and pulled up my shorts. I start walking out of the bush when I all of a sudden had to piss. I turn around and whip my dick out and start pissing. I looked down and on the tip of my penis were 3 mosquitoes full of blood. I don't know how I didn't feel them bite me but, they must have been there for a while because when I squished them there was blood everywhere. I just got home and put some after bite on it but, fuck was the 3 hour ride home shitty. My dick has never been so itchy in my life.
TL;DR... Shit in the bush and had 3 mosquitoes bite my dick
anonymys: "There's a skeeter on my peter, whack it off!"
89Laredo: There's another on my brother
| 3 | 12 | |
1404021363 | 1404068154 | t3_29djd6 | t5_2to41 | 454 | [deleted]: TIFU, (its long, sorry) by having sex with someone I was unknowingly related to.
Well, I've had an experience that transpired over the course of a
week that could be described as nothing short of a surreal, alternate universe of complete fuckeduppetry. Knowing my luck, some fucking unknown family member will reddit and know exactly who I am, but at this point, does it really matter? I simply need to get this shit off my chest because I can't tell anyone else.
**TL:DR: I banged my Half Sister Uknowingly. Now I'm stuck trying to figure out if I should confront the situation or avoid it and never speak to her again. Sleeping on it has not worked.**
So exactly one week to the day ago (last Saturday) I went with my parents (my mother and my step-father), to a family reunion we hold every 10 years roughly. These reunions are a bit weird due to the length of time that passes between each gathering, so its impossible to really know who these people are, what they're like, or track the events in their lives because things change so radically during these periods. It also doesn't help that I'm a very introverted person, so the idea of getting together with what are in essence, complete strangers, tied together by the weak association of "family through relational blood ties". makes me feel pretty uncomfortable and estranged by the whole ordeal.
To make matters even worse, the last reunion I went to I was only 10 years old, making me twenty now, so I'd have to overcome an even more awkward hurdle of trying to remember everyone's name. It wasn't going to happen, and it was going to be a brutal experience all together. I figured I may hide behind my mother or step-father and let them try to introduce me to everyone, shake hands, fake smile, and act like I was overly outgoing, enthusiastic, or genuinely pleased to see them again.
However, this time was a bit different for me, and I was both dreading and excited for the event. My biological father, whom I've never met was supposedly going to arrive this year and I would have the chance to meet him directly. My mother wasn't happy about this tidbit of information, as their divorce was messy, and his job had kept him in a completely different country (he worked in Thailand for a US based company handling their outsourcing requirements) while she was left alone with only his paychecks to help her raise me.
At first I felt irritated by the fact that my father had chosen his job over coming state side to help raise me, but as I grew older I came to understand that in his own way, he was taking care of me the best he could by supporting my mother financially.
Now while I did say I haven't met my father in person, I did know who he was and he did keep in contact with me through letters, emails, and the exceptionally rare telephone call when he got a chance to check up on me or when my mother actually let him talk to me (again she was incredibly jaded about the situation). I knew what he looked like from the pictures of Thailand he would send me, and we actually had a pretty strong resemblance. While I wouldn't say we shared the typical father-son relationship, or even a relationship two long distance friends would share, he seemed like an alright guy who was genuinely concerned about my well being.
Regardless, I was excited to see him despite my mothers completely bitch attitude about the situation. I had the right to know my father in person, regardless of his physical absence in my life, and despite the stories she told me, I'm sure there were two sides of the story.
So I get ready, drive from my apartment to my mother/step-father's house, and decided to hitch a ride with them to the ordeal. I'm feeling pretty good about myself until my mother gets a specific text that ruins the rest of my day, or so I thought.
I'm in the back seat, I hear the text, and see the back of her head covered in blond hair with too much hairspray in it, creep forward to read it on the phone in her lap. She raises her head, looks at the road for a moment, and then turns back to talk to me.
"Oh honey!" She says in an exaggerated tone which fakes exasperation.
"What?" I'm already expecting something stupid, I've seen her pull this shit with me a million times before just from living with her my whole life.
"Your father just text me, he can't make it today, his flight was canceled", she said. "I'm sorry."
You know that tone people get when they try to fake sincerity, but you can tell they're really fucking happy about what just happened despite the misery it causes you? That's the fucking tone my mother took with me when delivering this information. I wanted to punch that selfish bitch right in the back of her head with enough force to compare the impact to that of a giant meteorite hitting the surface of a planet.
I kept quiet, but I fucking hated her, and I hated losing the chance to see my real father. This day is going to be a fucking wreck, is all I thought to myself as we arrived at the reunion. I was intent on just surviving the experience as well as I could and not talking to anyone. My expression the whole time was dour, and that was putting it lightly.
So the party is rolling, my mother is in a great fucking mood because my dad hasn't showed up, and I'm just miserable. I don't smile, I don't laugh, I shake hands and greet people in a business-casual sort of way, and the party is just kind of dragging on. Eventually, I pour myself a lemonade and sit my ass down on the couch and just wait the fucking party out.
As I'm sitting there though, a girl, roughly what looks like the same age as myself, sits down by me. Shes was pretty attractive, beautiful face, decent sized tits, and was what looked like of Spanish or Mexican descent. She looks at me, and then offers me a greeting and a handshake.
This is where my problems begin. I'm without my mother to introduce me to her, I have absolutely no idea who she is, nor do I know her relation to me. I have to do the whole "hand shake and refer to the person in non-specific language to avoid any possibility of mentioning their name" for the first few dialogues of our sentences.
"Its been forever since we met, how old we were when we first met! The last time I was here was when I was 10!" I said, faking my enthusiasm for this reunion.
"Oh!" she says. "I'm sorry, I've never been here before. I'm just here to meet my adopted parents and some other people, but they're not here at the moment."
At this point if it wasn't awkward, it was now, and I looked like a complete asshole faking this far into the conversation.
"I'm so sorry" I said, actually with sincerity this time. "I was only 10, its hard for me to remember anyone here."
She laughed about it and I started to feel comfortable again. We get to talking and she was actually a really interesting person, or at least appeared so. Anyone is interesting when their tits are between a C-cup and a D-cup and they're sitting less than two feet from you.
"So you're adopted you said earlier? Who are your adopted parents?" I said, steering the conversation to a point where I can discern her relationship to me before I let my bored and sexually depraved mind loose on this hot ass Spanish/Mexican girl. I didn't want to get too far ahead of myself and just be let down.
"Well do you know such and such? They're my adopted parents. They knew my biological parents and took me in when they couldn't care for me. My biological parents aren't here naturally, since they're not really related to anyone" She said.
As it just so happens, "Such and Such" are actually my cousins twice removed and as old as my parents were. All I could think to myself at this point was "I'm fucking GOOOOOOOOOLLLLDDEEEEENNNNN!"
This girl has abso-fucking-lutely no relationship to me, shes here by herself, doesn't seem to know anyone, and is now engaged in a conversation with me. As far as I can tell shes is becoming increasingly enamored with me the longer our conversation goes. I'm gonna seduce this girl, and then I'm going to rail her harder than fucking John Henry nailing holes into a rock.
Its time to bring in the A-team to help with this endeavor, and by A-team, I mean alcohol. We start drinking, and laughing, and just having a good ol' time. Surprisingly, and before I know it, shes the one to come on to me, and we end up sneaking out of the party to a car she drove herself in to meet her adopted parents here.
What happened next isn't G rated, so I'm going to skip over it and spare you guys the details.
Actually, no I'm not, because that isn't fun.
I felt like I was a literal lawn mower with this girl. I trimmed more grass than a mower on a football field. John Henry? Who the fuck was John Henry? If anything, I'm fucking John Henry, I'm the American Folk Hero at this point. That was the extent of our sexual intercourse. I've never had sex with a Spanish/Mexican girl before, only white ones, and I can tell you, the inter-racialism was a huge turn on. However, I digress.
After our rendezvous, she gives me her number, and come to find out, she only lives roughly sixty-seven miles away, in a town by my own. I'm super stoked about this information, tell her I'll call her by Monday (it was Saturday), and we'll talk. Monday comes around we get to talking again, and we setup a date for that following weekend around 10 am (fucking this morning, we had the date this fucking morning).
So I get ready at 8am today, clean my car up by actually taking it through a wash and vacuum and cleaning out all the dried up leftover McDonald's french fries buried under the seats. I start driving to her place around 8:45.
I enter town around 9:30. I took my driving slowly since I'm a considerate kind of guy and don't feel like dying in my two ton Mazda 2007 Tribute.
I get to the place, knock on the door of her apartment, she hugs me, and lets me in. Her apartment is nice, clean, well organized, with some incense burning in the air which gave it a very fresh and slightly smokey smell. Overall, it was a pleasant apartment.
She is still getting ready and tells me to grab a drink if I want, and relax on her couch and watch some T.V. I do so while she continues to get ready and surprisingly enough she has cable with the ESPN channel. Score! This girl seems like a good catch if I can land it.
I'm watching reruns and highlights as I wait and its at this point I notice she has some pictures of her adopted parents and herself on a tall book shelf when the commercials start to run. They're the typical kind of pictures you see of people with their families, the fake-ass production ones, where everyone stands in front of a back drop and smile in their just recently ironed and partly rushed outfits. You know, nothing out of the ordinary, except one, one very specific picture I notice of just two people in it.
In it was a woman with black hair, Asian decent, with pretty eyes and complexion comparable to a glass doll, if that doll was Asian. She was attractive and standing next to a man. I didn't notice him too much because I was still concentrating on the woman for a bit, but when I did, I did a fucking mental double take right there on the spot. It was my father. My father was in the picture with his arm around this beautiful Asian woman.
What in the fuck? Why in the fucking world would a Mexican girl, adopted by my cousins twice removed, have a picture of my Dad in her house?
And then it hit me. This girl wasn't of Mexican descent at all, she was fucking Asian, and if I was right, she was of Thailandese descent.
"No, oh please, please Lord no", is all I could think to myself, all that I kept repeating inside my head. I was only interrupted in my thought process when she came out and said, "Ready!".
She grabbed my hand, gave me a quick peck on the lips and said, "Let's go!"
I thought I could be going crazy at this point, there's no fucking way this could be a real life situation. It was too fucking surreal. There had to be some other rational explanation for there being a picture of my father on her book shelf. And so I asked her in a general way about the pictures.
"Hey I noticed your pictures of your family on there, they're nice." I said, trying to conceal the desperation in my voice.
"Thank you" she responded in a courteous way that gave me the impression that she just wanted to get out of the apartment already.
"Who are those two though?" I pointed to the picture of my father and the woman.
"Oh, those are my biological parents. They live in Thailand. My adopted parents took guardianship of me when they put me up for adoption" she said. "I was supposed to meet them at the reunion, but they couldn't make it."
You ever hear that song from friends, that was overplayed and blasted at deafening volume in the 90s, "Its the end of the world and we know it, but I feel fine"? That was exactly how I felt, but I'm not fucking fine. No, I'm fucking destroyed at the new information I have just gleaned about this girl who I just found out was my half-sister.
Holy fuck, I didn't even know I had a half sister at all, never mind that I had just had the raunchiest sex with her a week ago and who I was currently on a date with.
But I'm in too fucking deep at this point, I'm in too fucking deep. I have to go on with this date, I can't let her know the truth before its over.
So I faked it, I faked it hard. On the date we kissed five more times, full mouth, and even with tongues at one point. We held hands, she played grab ass with me. This whole time my insides are screaming at knowing the truth, and I'm doing everything fucking possible I can to survive both the conflicting feelings that I'm kissing my half-sister, and that I've got a half-chub from doing so.
My feelings of morality and arousal are sending me into a fucking emotional spiral of destruction. Needless to say, I barely survived the encounter without her knowing the truth.
I drove home, and did some thinking before I posted this tonight.
My father is a fucking scum bag. He fucking abandoned me, and abandoned my half-sister, then never told me I even had a half-sister, because he was too fucking embarrassed to let me know that he had given up on raising a second child and instead adopted her out to my mother fucking second cousins.
He fucking canceled on me because he found out that both his children would be there, and couldn't face the music of having concealed our relation and existence our entire lives. Fuck you, Dad.
Now I'm starting to feel a bit of sympathy for my mother, though I doubt she knows anything about the situation.
This whole week is fucked. My half sister wants to set up another date, and I have no clue what I'm going to do about it. The worst part is, I'm still super attracted to her, that's the most fucked up part about it.
**CLARIFICATION (since people seem angry at the distaste I harbor for my mother): My mother has always prevented me from speaking to my father from when I was young. At first, my father attempted to send me birthday cards, letters, etc, which my mother would hide in a shoebox until I was about 14-15. At that point she finally gave in and decided I should know that my biological father actually existed.**
**My mother was unknowingly pregnant with me at the end of their relationship. She flew back not realizing she was pregnant and they settled the remainder of their divorce proceedings in some sort of weird way. Don't ask me to ask my Mom how, I'm not going to do it. Its not my place and I don't want to know.**
**However, the point is, this isn't the only stuff my mom has put me through. Shes left me hanging a lot in my life, chasing after other guys, and neglecting her side of the family a lot. When she would be engrossed in another guy, she would vanish, literally. Sometimes these period of absence would span for days, and I wouldn't even know about it until I would come home from school (as a High School Freshman) and I would have to fend for myself. Sometimes she would leave enough food for me to eat, and sometimes not.**
**She only made improvements when she finally met my step-father, who has acted like a real dad in all this. My relationship with my mom and real dad are terrible, but I respect and love the man that is my step-father. He took me in, and cared for me as one of his own.**
**Now you know why I despise my mother.**
GR3YF0XXX: I'm pretty sure this story is bullshit and I'll explain why.
Why would your divorcee mother take you to a family reunion connected to your fathers family.
How could you confuse Latina with Thai.
How could you continue to passionately kiss a girl you knew to be your sister.
Why would the half sister remain at the reunion when she knew your father wasn't coming.
Thailand is very far from the USA, several hours flight in fact. Why would your father's text arrive as you're en route to the reunion. Surely he would've known he wasn't going to attend hours beforehand.
For the aforementioned reasons I'm calling bullshit.
-My_Other_Account-: This answers most of your questions.
> "Well do you know such and such? They're my adopted parents. They knew my biological parents and took me in when they couldn't care for me. My biological parents aren't here naturally, since they're not really related to anyone" She said.
I don't see how anyone could confuse thai and Latina either unless the woman had extensive plastic surgery.
There is something called genetic sexual attraction which explains why he would be attracted to a half-sibling he has never met before.
Many family reunions last longer than a single day.
I think the whole scenario is plausible.
downyballs: I can't reconcile that part with this part:
>"Oh, those are my biological parents. They live in Thailand. My adopted parents took guardianship of me when they put me up for adoption" she said. "I was supposed to meet them at the reunion, but they couldn't make it."
So is it natural that her biological parents aren't there, or was she supposed to meet them there?
-My_Other_Account-: Her biological parents are OP's dad and his wife. Her adoptive parents are related to OP's family.
downyballs: Why would she say that she was supposed to meet her adoptive parents in the context of explaining who her bio parents are? That seems like a total non-sequitur.
-My_Other_Account-: Not really.
Many ethnic families will adopt children from other family members. So, an adopted child may have adoptive parents from the same family as the child's biological parents.
downyballs: I understand that. But she doesn't seem to think her adoptive parents are related to her bio dad. (If she's meeting the adoptive parents at the reunion, then it's the adoptive parents' family reunion, and yet she thinks her bio parents aren't related to people at the reunion.)
-My_Other_Account-: That's because the link between OP and the girl is their biological father who isn't related to anyone at the reunion other than his children. OP's dad didn't disclose to either child that they had a sibling. So, the girl didn't know she was related to OP.
downyballs: I understand that the daughter didn't know she's related to OP.
Is it true that their biological father isn't related to anyone at the reunion other than his children? Unless the reunion was on his mother's side, he's related to the second cousins (and a lot of other people, too).
-My_Other_Account-: Yes, but second cousins are far enough apart genetically that it isn't really taboo to get with one.
downyballs: How is that relevant to the original point, that there are inconsistencies in the story? Also, OP believed that "This girl has abso-fucking-lutely no relationship to me, shes here by herself, doesn't seem to know anyone, and is now engaged in a conversation with me."
-My_Other_Account-: Re-read the story.
downyballs: I just read your replies to the other questions people asked of you, and it reinforced that I'm not taking crazy pills.
The OP isn't clear whether this is his mother's side of the family or his father's and whether the daughter was supposed to meet her adopted parents or her bio parents. Pretty much every combination of these options leads to something not making sense.
| 14 | 32.428571 | |
1404020752 | 1404072749 | t3_29ditv | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to a good friends younger sister's party
So today I was hanging out with my best friend and we were at a party in a sketchy part of town. We were having a good time and everyone was very nice but we got a call about another party closer to our house so we went there. As we were driving closer I realized that my friend used to live around this area, but his family frequently moved and I had last been there about two years ago for a fantasy football draft. We drive down the street and I realize that the house is in fact his old house. We walk up to the door with a few people and ask the people who's party it is and the name they drop is my good friend's sister. As soon as I heard this I immediately walked back to the car attempting to leave. Sadly, our only ride insisted that we stay for at least a few minutes. Now at this point I should mention that I had just gotten my phone replaced and did not have my friend's number who also lived at the house. We are both freshman in college and his sister is going to be a junior in high school and very attractive, like to the point that he would always get shit about it and get very angry since she was in about 6th grade. So we enter the house and as soon as I walk in her and her friend start hitting on me and tell me to go down to the basement. So I'm down in the basement talking to them for all of 4 minutes when everyone's faces drop and lo and behold my friend had just gotten home and was standing on the staircase watching me talk to his much younger sister while she was smoking a blunt in his basement. I did not know what to say so I just apologized and left. He was with a few other of our friends and I am positive that they all think much less of me to say the least. I sent him a very long apology message and I really feel terrible about everything because I feel like there is no way to explain everything without sounding like I am lying trying to make myself sound better than I actually was. Fuck.
Stinduh: Could be worse. Friend could have walked in on you totally banging his sister.
Seriously, your friend is probably angrier that his sister is throwing these kinds of parties and will eventually forgive you for whatever he's angry about.
Also college freshman -> jr in highschool is not a huge difference. An 18 year old and 16 year old is not unheard of.
Either way, you could have been actively drunkenly fucking her when your friend walked in. And this didn't happen. So yay.
BigSmurph: well its actually 19 year old and 15 year old and he is EXTREMELY protective of her and his house
Stinduh: I really think you'll be in the clear in a few days and like a week at most. He's angry at his sister, but if he's as protective of her as you say, he'll find it harder to be angry at her, and is probably taking it out on other people.
It'll all be okay, OP. Be glad this wasn't a TIFU by fucking up your friend's sister.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1404024678 | 1404089901 | t3_29dm6w | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving the other spot where the sun doesn't shine
For a little bit of back story to the fuck up I am 15 and in (technically out for summer) high school going into sophomore year.
So how to story starts is technically Friday morning. As I was taking my morning shower getting ready for my last day of school I remembered me and my friends talking about pubes and shaving. Being a sort of late bloomer I had never shaved a hair off my body ever.
As I hopped in the shower I quickly grabbed an extra razor out of bathroom closet. Having this as my first time of shaving I completely covered my whole entire bush in saving cream (I'm not even sure if I had done that right). I was scared I was going to cut myself with the razor but to my surprise the hair pulled out very easily.
As my whole entire bush was gone I followed the shaving cream done my shaft and balls. As I finished with everything else I thought how easy shaving was. **Now heres the fuck up**, like I said, I followed the shaving cream down my body. The shaving cream landed on my taint and asshole, and remember how I had how easy it was to shave imprinted in my head. *I had possibly made the worst mistake of my life* **I FUCKING SHAVED MY TAINT AND ASSHOLE**.
Getting out of the shower I realized how itchy my balls and shaft were. I put on my clothes and became more itchy as ever and I had the fear all day I would be itching my balls. *No no no*, when my mom dropped me off as soon as I got out of the it felt like my asshole was on fire. Johnny Cashes Ring of Fire was based off my asshole. Remember Star Wars Episode 6? My asshole was the pit of carkoon that Boba Fett fell into. It felt like someone sucker punched my rectum with sandpaper fists. I felt like hitler from the scene from Little Nicky where they shove a pineapple up his ass.
The whole fucking day I couldn't walk right, my finger was in my pants itching my balls and ass. This was possibly the worst day of high school I had ever been to. I had to take a Science and Writing final while my asshole had a bonfire. As soon as I got home I got my goldbond and rubbed that shit all over my lower half, it looked like I had Michael Jackson disease. **NEVER FUCKING AGAIN WILL I DO THIS**, I am still recovering and can barely even sit on a bean bag.
**TL;DR** I shaved my lower half for the first time, eventually got to shaving my asshole, went through school while it felt like my asshole had a lighter under it.
salk80: Wow. You did fuck up. Buy some baby diaper rash cream and put it around your anus, that will help with the irritation. Unless you are gay, I don't think anyone will see your asshole. You're good!
MyCreatedAccount: Well my logic would say "Put after shave on it" , but I have no clue if that would work.
salk80: I think aftershave would irritate it though...
| 4 | 11 | |
1404025718 | 1404089934 | t3_29dmzm | t5_2to41 | 9 | iggysaurus1: TIFU by opening and closing scissors on my eyebrows repeatedly
and then after one looked like i had gotten too close to the fire, i tried to get a little symmetry. i look more terrible than ever.
salk80: Buy an eyebrow pencil with a color close to your eyebrow hair and fill them in.
iggysaurus1: thanks for the tip. i did that and it worked pretty well.
salk80: You're welcome :)
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1404027730 | 1404029012 | t3_29doey | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a reddit post.
Well, folks, today I made a somewhat controversial post in my favourite subreddit/interest on reddit. And, well, it was directed towards the moderators of the subreddit, who replied somewhat arrogantly and insultingly. And, since I cannot deal with moderator stupidity, I deleted the post, and — when I wake up — I'm going to delete my account, too.
So, good-bye, folks. See ya, almost 500 comment karma. Cheers, forty-something submission karma. Adieu, adieu.
[deleted]: if the mods cant take criticism why is the sub great?
[deleted]: Whoops. Meant to say that the sub is about one of my favourite subjects, not that the sub is great. Well, not that the sub is not great, but you get my point, I hope.
[deleted]: I got yeah, that sucks through. sometimes people get power-crazy. like me.
[deleted]: Thanks. And trust me, you're probably not that power-crazy.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1404029398 | 1404075116 | t3_29dpj8 | t5_2to41 | 57 | darklis212: Tifu: got too drunk with some friends
So not even a couple of hours ago I got way to drunk with a couple of my very close friends. The one I've known for 15 years got into a fight with me. I threw him to the ground and choked him out then started to let go when he flipped me over and threw me down. My head is cracked open and he was bleeding from his knees and arms. My girlfriend arrived home and saw all of this and he took off. I told him not too because of the chances of getting picked up for public intoxication. .. well he got stopped and I'm pretty sure he's gone to jail for the weekend. I don't know what to do. We just messed up but I'm pretty sure he's going to take this badly instead of just a little mistake. I've known him for so long. What should I do reddit? Alcohol seems to be causing rifts where it shouldn't.
[deleted]: Get medical treatment for your head.
See if you can find out what's going on with your friend, and if you can help him.
When everyone's sober and out of jail, talk.
And **stop fucking drinking.**
wolfman86: Why should he stop drinking????
| 3 | 19 | |
1404031771 | 1404251827 | t3_29dr16 | t5_2to41 | 291 | tinkatiza: TIFU by taking a shower. [NSFW]
So I'm on vacation with my family and we're staying in condos. My mom is at the pool, my step dad is at the condo, waiting to go to the beach, looking for soft corals and what not to collect, and my brother headed home a couple days ago. I just got back from swimming in the ocean and wanted to shower off. My step dad heads out and leaves the front door open and hollers at me to close it after he leaves. I'm already naked by this point and I say to myself, fuck it, it's only 10 feet from the bathroom to the front door, I don't need to put on underwear. Well, I was wrong. I leave the bathroom and walk down the little entry way and lo and behold, an entire family of 6 ranging from the 5-6 year old son, to the octogenarian grandmother. They saw everything. Thankfully tomorrow morning we're heading back home so I don't have to worry (too much) of awkward encounters.
TLDR: went to close door naked before shower, showed family my wing wang and might be a sex offender.
DrBuang: Oh... Imagined you as a girl until the TL;DR. Awkward.
sexbeast420: This is reddit. You're male until proven female.
DrBuang: For some reason I imagine them as female when it's a story about being naked or private part if they don't specify. I'm always in for a shock when the post then says balls.
synfulyxinsane: Funny, I do the opposite.
LlamaTheBountyHunter: You're convinced they're male until you find out they have balls? What kind of women have you been seeing.
| 6 | 48.5 | |
1404041288 | 1404134365 | t3_29dwxc | t5_2to41 | 117 | [deleted]: TIFU By getting arrested and getting my mother fined for a lot of money
Over here its illegal for underage people to be outside after 10 in the evening. I was coming home from a friend's birthday in 4 in the morning and a cop car came and took me.. They were looking for someone else and I told them the truth but they thought that I was someone who escaped from them earlier (thats probobly the only reason they took me and didn't just drive me home). And my mom had to pick me up from the police station and now she has to pay a huge fine for my mistake..
RhubarbMaster: Where do you live where there's a curfew?
bananahead: Lots of cities in the US have curfews. It's not that weird.
EDIT: for example http://mpdc.dc.gov/page/dcs-curfew-law-know-facts
notadoctor123: It says there that you can exercise your 1st Amendment rights, including the right of assembly and be exempt from the curfew. Can't you argue that if you go meet someone past curfew that your are exercising your right of assembly?
bananahead: Yes, you could certainly argue that. But the right to assemble is not absolute -- especially for minors. See [Bong Hits For Jesus](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morse_v._Frederick). I'd imagine it would depend on what you were actually doing.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Morse v. Frederick**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morse%20v.%20Frederick): [](#sfw)
---
>
>___Morse v. Frederick___, [551 U.S. 393](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Reports) (2007), was a [United States Supreme Court](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supreme_Court_of_the_United_States) case in which the Court held 5-4 that the [First Amendment](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution) does not prevent educators from suppressing, at a school-supervised event, student speech that is reasonably viewed as promoting illegal drug use.
>In 2002, high school principal Deborah Morse suspended Joseph Frederick after he displayed a banner reading "BONG HiTS [*[sic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sic)*] 4 JESUS" across the street from the school during the [2002](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2002_Winter_Olympics) [Olympic Torch Relay](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olympic_Torch). Frederick sued, claiming his constitutional rights to free speech were violated. His suit was dismissed by the federal district court, but on appeal, the [Ninth Circuit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Court_of_Appeals_for_the_Ninth_Circuit) reversed, concluding that Frederick's speech rights were violated.
>Chief Justice Roberts, writing for the majority, concluded that the school officials did not violate the First Amendment. To do so, he made three legal determinations: first, that "[school speech](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/School_speech_(First_Amendment\))" doctrine should apply because Frederick's speech occurred "at a school event"; second, that the speech was "reasonably viewed as promoting illegal drug use"; and third, that a principal may legally restrict that speech—based on the three existing First Amendment school speech precedents, other Constitutional jurisprudence relating to schools, and a school's "important—indeed, perhaps compelling interest" in deterring drug use by students.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/0V1RWtP.png) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Seal_of_the_United_States_Supreme_Court.svg)
---
^Interesting: [^School ^speech ^\(First ^Amendment)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/School_speech_\(First_Amendment\)) ^| [^First ^Amendment ^to ^the ^United ^States ^Constitution](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution) ^| [^Tinker ^v. ^Des ^Moines ^Independent ^Community ^School ^District](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tinker_v._Des_Moines_Independent_Community_School_District) ^| [^Bethel ^School ^District ^v. ^Fraser](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bethel_School_District_v._Fraser)
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+ciksg1r) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+ciksg1r)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 6 | 19.5 | |
1404077773 | 1404102155 | t3_29dw5h | t5_2to41 | 0 | Lickformine: Well it actually did happen to me so
Go rant somewhere else Sonic
HedgehogBlowjob: Right, because who would go on the internet and just tell lies for worthless internet points?
Lickformine: Exactly!
| 3 | 0 | |
1404039808 | 1404093608 | t3_29dvwt | t5_2to41 | 35 | Lozkippy: TIFU by peeing on a bus.
Okay, so.. This was a quite a while ago and I was in primary school. I had to catch a bus (or 2) everyday to get to and from school and each trip was at the least an hour. So definitely not today, thank goodness.
I had to catch the bus as per usual, but I decided I would catch the bus that came earlier and stopped midway of my journey to try and get home quicker. I asked my teacher to release me earlier (she did) and I walked to the bus stop, waited, caught the bus and went on to complete the 1st half without any issues.
Caught the next bus, part way through that trip I needed to urinate. The feeling got worse and worse until I was right outside my bus stop (my house was right in front of the bus stop by the way..) and you know, clenching your bladder, your butt cheeks, anything you think will help you, you try and do or think of.. But to no avail, all previous methods had failed. I ended up letting it all go. All over the seat. Unfortunately, I couldn't hold it in for 2 more minutes.
So today, I unveiled a vastly unknown fuck up. I urinated all over a bus seat and then ran home.
FrozenMonkeyPoo: This was a quite a while ago and I was in primary school.
So... definitely not TIFU?
I think we need a OTIFU subreddit. (One Time I Fucked Up)
qzapmlwxonskjdhdnejj: Read the sidebar please.
Username__Irrelevant: What's with the username?
Butt-ginity_thief: It's irrelevant
| 5 | 7 | |
1404047232 | 1404057356 | t3_29e17v | t5_2to41 | 208 | [deleted]: TIFU by not doing my job as a lifeguard
I have worked at a my neighborhood pool for a year now and have finally become a figure of respect in the community, but that was all lost after this event. It was a very busy day at the pool with a party of 30 unknown guests and another party of around 10 including one little boy who was the age of 5.
Around 5pm the parties seemed to be simmering down and it gave relief to me that guest who my attention was mainly on were exiting the water. But suddenly while my 20 minute shift on pool watch was coming to an end, I heard a splash. The 5 year old boy had fallen into the pool. As I was trained, I placed my attention on this little boy to see if he knew how to swim. Before I could make a judgement on the child's swimming abilities, his mother had run to the wall where her child had fallen in and grabbed him out of the water. The parent wrapped her little boy in his towel and walked him behind my lifeguard stand. I noticed the situation was okay and began to go back go scanning the water.
Later that night, my manger took me aside and explained that I had neglected a child who had nearly drowned. Many parents had witnessed the event and saw the actions that I had taken to be unfit for the situation and that I should have been more vigilant in making sure the little boy had stayed clear of the pool side. I had lost the respect of many parents and my manager for allowing this child to go through the traumatic event, even though they knew I would have saved the child if the mother hadn't already known he could not swim.
I do not know what I had done wrong and why I was in the wrong, but I fucked up and by the looks of it I could be on my way out of the club.
Edit: Thanks for all the input on my situation! I spoke with my manager and he understands the situation and believes I did the right thing, but should have checked on the parent after the event when my time on stand was done. He also understands that this is a learning event and nothing I should lose my job for.
raisinsdelight: That's ridiculous, it's the parents job to keep an eye on their children and monitor where they are. I would only expect a lifeguard to get involved when the child is in difficulty in the water!!
The mum had it covered and you did nothing wrong.
Thatdamnferret: Getting thrown in a pool is how I learned to swim. It's only going to be traumatic if the mom makes it that way.
needuhLee: To be fair, there's a difference psychologically between expectedly being thrown into a pool to learn how to swim and accidentally falling in.
PunnyBanana: I agree. I was thrown in and was fine in the water. My sister fell in and was terrified of it for most of her childhood.
| 5 | 41.6 | |
1404057020 | 1404064378 | t3_29e7h8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: The kind of girl that will go home with a blacked out guy and let him fuck her without a condom is not a very good looking girl..
Hostile_workplace: Not a very morally right, smart, or confident girl you mean. I have met some 8s or 9s that will let almost anyone have a go.
[deleted]: Your 8's and 9's are probably everyone else's 4's and 5's.
Hostile_workplace: Wow, that's a very well thought out comment, filled with knowledge of my life and who I know...
If we are talking *strictly* physical appearance, which we were if you can remember (refer to previous comments if you can't) then yes they would be solid 8s or 9s. Unfortunately, they have not made the best decisions in their lives, thus they are pretty much whores who go after guys with money. Still, this does not stop them from being uber hot.
[deleted]: You have lots of money?
Hostile_workplace: Enough to entertain beautiful whores.
[deleted]: Cool, my place or yours?
Hostile_workplace: Your mom's.
| 8 | 0.25 | |
1404055716 | 1404074812 | t3_29ebkz | t5_2to41 | 345 | Sir_Waluff: TIFU by washing my hands
So today I was at my friends house and we were playing some borderlands 2. After a while I find that I need to go relieve my self, I walk to his bathroom only to find that there is no toilet (they were changing it out or something) forcing me to use the master bathroom. After I relieve my self I go to wash my hands, there's a squirt bottle by the sink but I can't see the label ,I end up using it, anyways it all seems good for a while, I go back and we pass a few missions. Then the burning comes, its not bad at first but then it starts really hurting, I'm wondering what the fuck is happening. Long story short, my friends mom kept Nair by her sink and I didn't properly wash it off.
Edit:If it helps, I'm a guy, prior to this I had no clue what Nair even was. I only found out when his mom came in while I was freaking out and asked what was wrong
Edit2:Sorry for the formating, I was on my phone while writing this.
just_a_passing_comet: Nair?
[deleted]: Nair. No-hair. Nair.
Year3030: I... I just got this.
[deleted]: I have changed your life forever.
You're welcome.
NOT_A_BOT_I_SWEAR: Holy-sweat = Hweat
[deleted]: If that's a reference, I don't get it.
I chose my user to kind of mock people who pronounce the H in words like What, Where, When... And Wheat.
Twise09: You must be a hit at parties
| 8 | 43.125 | |
1404056062 | 1404078496 | t3_29ebzp | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk and hooking up with a girl from my past. (NSFW)
1
Arpikarhu: you never finish?!?! WTF IS THAT?!?!
prowness: Lol ikr. He probably meant he doesn't finish inside her.
ConvincingExit: >If you can never finish from having sex with a real woman then you should stop looking at so much porn and jerking off all the time. The real world is so much more rewarding.
TheBoyFromIpanema: What are you quoting? Also, are you saying that you look at so much porn and masturbate so much that you can't achieve an orgasm during sex?
| 5 | 1 | |
1404058969 | 1404065917 | t3_29efpq | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting off part of my thumb with a mandolin slicer. I was not using the guard.
[These](http://imgur.com/a/5GXrA) are pics of my wonderful fuck up. My husband told me not to get one because they are dangerous. "But it has this guard" I said. Fuck a mandolin slicer!
timingandscoring: Am I the only one here who doesn't know what a mandolin slicer is ?
[deleted]: Its like an angled blade placed in plastic, that slices different types of food. You drag the food across the surface to cut it.
timingandscoring: And the really great bit about my own stupidity is I know I own one of those. O__o
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1404057835 | 1404071369 | t3_29ee7w | t5_2to41 | 76 | hamitchell1: TIFU by locking myself out my house in my pjyamas
So today after spending the night partying I was horrendously hungover and decided the only cure was a burger. The shop is across the street so I decided it wasn't worth getting dressed for, the plan was to get my burger and then hop back into bed to watch orange is the new black. I had friends staying with me and had for some unknown reason decided to give them my keys when they went out for the day. So I left the house and propped the front door open with a rock like usual. I checked about half way through my burger cooking and the door was still open. About 5 minutes later I left and to my horror the front door was closed (nobody ever closes it, Sod's law). None of the doorbells in the building work so I ended up sitting outside on the wet floor with cold food in my pyjamas for about 2 hours. At which point my neighbour who has twice returned my escaped hamster left the house and found me outside. This is now the third incident where he must think I'm a total fuck up. On the plus side he gave me his number in case I lock myself out the house again, and he is quite hot!!
shawna_m: Why didn't you just eat the food once you realized you were stuck outside? Why let it get cold?
hamitchell1: I couldn't eat it without ketchup 😳
Username__Irrelevant: You couldn't get ketchup when they made it?
hamitchell1: I don't like the cheap kebab shop ketchup they use, I always wait til I get home and use my own. Fussy I know.
Username__Irrelevant: When you realized you were locked out you could've gone back for some; bad ketchup is better than a wasted burger.
hamitchell1: It was ok. I rolled a joint and microwaved my food when I got home, tasted grand!
| 7 | 10.857143 | |
1404058923 | 1404106168 | t3_29efne | t5_2to41 | 1,376 | bmathew5: TIFU by elbowing an infant and more
BACKGROUND
I'm live in Canada but I'm currently on vacation in southern India. It's not my first time but I seem to get culture shock every time. (My parents are from India) The people here have no sense of personal space. I don't think it exists here. Although not everyone, most people in their daily rush, to do whatever it is that they are doing, don't seem to care if they slightly bump into you or get ahead of you in line or simply just stare at you. From where I'm from if you walk on the sidewalk you generally make space for people if possible. Letting the elderly and young take priority. In India it's a god damn free for all. It's like being on a packed bus... Constantly. Everywhere. For a person like me it is frustrating, especially seeing as I love my personal space even in Canada.
MAIN STORY
I got on a train to visit some family and it was fairly packed. If you don't have a seat number you kind of just, find space. I found a seat and took it. A stop later, a mother got on so being me i gave her my seat. She seemed surprised and glad. After she got comfortable she kindly waved at me to sit with her. I had my headphones on so I just smiled and sat beside her. I become a mute after wearing headphones. There really wasn't much space after she sat down and here it's considered rude to not take what someone offers whether it's a snack, a drink, a seat. She had her phone charging directly behind where I was so I was the only one who could get it. I did notice she placed her child with its head slightly leaning against my side. Considering the space, I didn't bother moving. Some time later she poked me and pointed towards her phone. As I turned around I forgot about the kid and slammed my elbow across its head. It was sleeping so it didn't wake, thank God. I don't think she noticed either. I paused expecting an angry mother but nothing. I got her phone and fell into a guilt trip and kept my arms to one side. Away from the baby. After about an hour I relaxed a bit. I felt the urge to fart and without hesitation I let it rip but half way through, I realized my mistake and desperately tried to suck my fart back into my ass but alas, my ass would not be having that today. I just farted into the face of a baby who I just elbowed. I'm done. Got off at the next stop and hailed an auto rickshaw. Currently submerged in kingfishers and trying to forget what I did today
EDIT
Didn't expect this to be big. In case you were all wondering, it was no MMA elbow but it was just enough to give me a 'Oh fuck, I'm fucked' face. Now that I remember it was fairly light but still, kid was under 3 years, practically everything is deadly to it. It was a god damn direct hit. It may have been extremely effective. As to people generalizing that all of India is like this, it's not. In the inner cities it will be like this but away from it, its actually quite nice, which is why I came here. My parents have a house here and I'll visit time to time. I'm in Kerala right now. Where I'm staying its very peaceful and quiet but you really have to go into the city if you want to do anything you can't do at home. Heading out for lunch. I'll pray I don't have a TIFU as bad as yesterday.
TLDR; Elbowed a kid and farted in its face. Drinking away memories. Contemplating life
shinydragonite: >As I turned around I forgot about the kid and slammed my elbow across its head. It was sleeping so it didn't wake
The elbow to the face couldn't've been that bad if it didn't even wake a sleeping baby.
I_PUNCH_INFANTS: He didn't hit it hard enough.
Swanksterino: How hard should you hit a baby?
Cake_Farts_: Until there is blood.
Swanksterino: And this would be better than shaking your baby?
EbolaPie: It requires less effort. Shaking a baby until there's blood is kinda hard.
[deleted]: Pro tip,, the blood is always there. Normally it is inside the baby though.
EbolaPie: You bring up a good point.
Keep shaking until the blood is freed from its baby prison. E.g. the blood that once was inside the baby should now be outside of the baby.
flugsibinator: That sounds like some kind of satanic ritual.
[deleted]: but in the form of a cooking book for houswives
| 11 | 125.090909 | |
1404040438 | 1404061972 | t3_29dwb2 | t5_2to41 | 24 | CanIHaveBizkits: TIFU by handing out Paysafe-Pins at work worth 150€ via phone -> fraud
Being new at my job (gas station cashier) and doing my first solo shift - being an inexperienced fuck - some guy called talking about replacing our pin-printer with a software update banning 100€ and 50€ codes on the terminal (he sounded pretty official). Not knowing about the 5 min printing ban for higher amounts of money, I thought he had access to the terminal after I got some error-receipts. Gave him the pins so he could 'undo the deficit for me'. Turns out I'm a fucking idiot.
Goodbye 150€
eosha: huh?
Nulagrithom: Yeah, edit to clarify OP.
| 3 | 8 | |
1404060875 | 1404260551 | t3_29ei9s | t5_2to41 | 75 | PM_THE_TATAS: TIFU by putting icy hot on my naughty bits
So, I have this friend. Ironically, his name is Chad. Anyway, Chad decides he wants me to go to the gym with him and try out leg day. Needless to say, after leg day, my thighs were burning. The next day, it was so hard to walk, I could barely stand it. So, I went to my local Target and bought some "no mess" icy hot to dull the pain.
My friend and I get back to my house, and I go to the bathroom to begin using the roll applicator on the insides of my legs, thinking that my dangly parts would be saved by the miracle no mess application.
cue the burning of a thousand angry suns directly on my testicles after pulling my pants up. It hurts. So bad.
TL;DR: fuck Chad.
HunterSDrunkson: Try spraying Axe on your ballbag as a teenager and get back to me
PM_THE_TATAS: Dude. Why? Just... Why?
HunterSDrunkson: Well. In my defense it was an oversight. Camping on fourth of July. Went four wheeling, were heading into town thought id freshen up and forgot I was freeballing.
PM_THE_TATAS: Ah. Got ya. Been there. Well, without the... Burning the balls sensation.
HunterSDrunkson: I have the worst luck with genitals. I don't suggest brushing teeth in the nude either. A dollop of Crest to the glans is nothing to shrug off.
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1404063677 | 1404067588 | t3_29emcq | t5_2to41 | 14 | tossemquick: TIFU by telling my sister my feelings
OK. First off, throw away account and first time posting. I am 19 living in south Tennessee. I live in a very secluded white town (not saying the name) with a lot of incest if you will. There is generally no discrimination towards these 4 families who choose their own family members to keep the gene pool deep. It doesn't bother me much because I've grown up in this town. It's a normal thing here, like the hot sun or the swampy fields. And then there is my family. So stuck up and arrogant. My father could start an argument in an empty house and my mother is happier than a tick on a fat hound. Weird I know, I never understood why my mother was so happy with with a husband like my father. He works on farming machinery and comes home smelling of gasoline and tobacco smoke.
My mother works as a receptionist. The type of job where you gotta get dolled up to look good for the customers, she doesn't like to dress up but it pays well. She's prettier than barbie during the week but on the weekends she let's it all go and lays in the sun or cleans house.
Pretty typical southern family so far. But then there my sister and I. She is 17 and a sophomore in high school. And I just got my GED. The high school in our town has about 156 people. My graduation last week had 28 seniors walk. Quite the small graduation but it was in my hometown with the people I grew up with.
At the graduation the 4 families I mentioned earlier were also attending. The main incest family is the most obvious with their blonde hair and blue eyes. Strangely a beautiful sight looking at the family together all with the same general look (because the gene pool is still deep). We were at a local park celebrating with the town. There was an open bar. And since everyone knows each other, I was able to get beer and wine with no trouble. All my graduating class was drinking or smoking pot.
I've always had a strange feeling that the way my town gas raised me that I have begun to think my sister is attractive. The way the blonde incest family talks to each other and interacts is amazing really. So loving and careless about uncle dad and aunt mom.
So after a few beers and my parents off to bed, I approach my sister at the bon fire and act like a normal brother. Walking up to her half buzzed yelling "look at Y'all bout as useful as a bump on a log." The 5 or six half buzzed group laughed at my horrible joke. Then my buddy max gave us all a shot of southern comfort.
It's down to my sister, myself and two other friends at the fire. One of the friends was the oldest of the blonde incest family. And the other friend was his sister/girlfriend. We got to talkin and I realize I want this to be my life. In a drunken stupor I look at my sister and say "I love you like a sister, like family, but I also think you are beautiful and want to raise a family with you." It felt great to finally get the weight off my shoulders, her response was a little confusing because she was drinking and she said thank you *wrong name* calling me the name of her crush. I blow it off thinking she thought it was funny. I take her to my truck and set her on the tailgate.
It was amazing. I knew her body so well as I grew up with her. I had my way with my sister without protection. She was loving it in the moment of time. This is till morning. Waking up next to my hungover sister thinking it was perfect for me because she contented to my confession.
She looks at me and yells "WHAT THE FUCK" as we're both naked, she knew what happen and she then remembered me confessing my love to her and wanting to keep our gene pool deep.
She left on Saturday and I have no idea where she in and I don't want to tell my parents because they never really agreed with these 4 incest families. I texted her saying sorry and she responded with "leave me alone, you aren't my family"
And here I am now, sitting in my own regret wanting the love of my sister. I sound like a fucked up person but round these parts nothing is fucked up.
ShazamaPajama: There are plenty of fish in the sea! Most of them you won't be related to, sadly.
tossemquick: But I've grown a custom to the family thing. It's sounds weird on paper but there's nothing to explain my love for my sister
majorthrownaway: Goddamn you're fucked up in a stereotypical way. You're from the south, you can't spell, and you love your sister. Why don't you join the KKK while you're at it?
tossemquick: The klan is such an even more stereotypical thing to do here. It's kinda cool to hate blacks and not be in the KKK.
Spelling isn't my major but I tried
majorthrownaway: I don't even know where to start.
Frappo: Probably a troll.
tossemquick: Think whatever you want frappo. But just know, your hypothesis is crappo
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1404066344 | 1404074850 | t3_29epzr | t5_2to41 | 57 | GoodxLad: TIFU by buying a keyboard.
What I got stuck: http://i.imgur.com/U4tYnuil.jpg
Me with it stuck: http://i.imgur.com/DqCpeVNl.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/ohfoicOl.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/n1fq0nwl.jpg
I will try to keep this short and sweet. So, I bought a keyboard from Corsair (because I love corsair) called the corsair vengance k70 with cherry mx blue switches. Anyway, this keyboard also comes with a keycap remover. You can see it up above. I then proceeded to remove a couple of the keys to replace them with other keycaps that came with the product. Then being the doorknob I am, I wanted to see how far I could put my finger in there. Next thing I know it is stuck. Now when I say stuck I mean STUCK. Now if you can imagine I have gotten things stuck on my fingers before, but in the past I would just rinse what was stuck with soap and water then it would easily slide off. Not in this case though. I tried and tried but could not manage to get it off. I then tried to break it off with multiple tools, but again I could not. So, being the genius I am, I decided it would be smart to take a razer blade knife to try and cut it off. But, as you see from the pictures above, I failed miserably and ended up cutting my finger down to the bone. But, I was not worried because it was just a small cut that happened to cut in deep. So with blood dripping I tried the tools again and could not manage to get it off. Then the moment came that I had feared most. I went to the packed emergency room not to far from my house. Once I got inside my finger had turned narly colors and had lost feeling, but I tried to conceal it to the best of my abilities. I then had to explain to a couple of the "nurses," I guess that's what they were called, what had happened all while one was trying to hold in her laughter and the other being concerned of the color. As well, everyone in the emergency room was staring at me, as you can imagine. Luckily, they had me back there in no time and started to use what they called a ring cutter on it.( I really wish I took pictures of this process.) But this was making barely any progress if any. So one of them went and grabbed another guy who was pretty buff and knew what he was doing. They then had him pull at the keycap remover as another tried using the ring cutter. After just under 20 minutes of them trying various methods to remove it, they were finally able to get it off. It was the greatest feeling ever once they removed it. Then, they were saying I just had to get stitches and a tetanus shot. I kept telling them I didn't need stitches, but they insisted and they two original nursers were set on giving me a tetanus shot. So they sent me back to the waiting room. I was very tempted to leave, but who wants to risk getting tetanus? Needless to say, the wait was 1 1/2 hours of shame and disappointment. But, that is besides the point. Once they got me back there he gave me 2 stitches. Then said I actually don't need a tetanus shot after all... So that was a huge waste of time, but on the bright side of things I ended up not being charged any fees, because the wait was so long.
zman0900: Didn't have to pay because the wait was so long. Damn, must not be in the US.
GoodxLad: It actually happened in Texas. Trust me I was surprised as well.
| 3 | 19 | |
1404069268 | 1404069501 | t3_29eubm | t5_2to41 | 3 | ShiveringShrew: TIFU By drinking way too much coffee.
So yeah, I was sat here on Reddit as usual and I decided I wanted a coffee[Just so you know I have two to three teaspoons of coffee in my drink] , so I went and got one like a normal functioning human being. But then as I sat down and practically inhaled my fucking coffee, I decided I wanted another, so I went and got another... The same thing happened.
7 CUPS OF FREAKING COFFEE LATER and I am starting to shake, and the keyboard that I am writing on begins to become laughable and I was sat here for literally an hour laughing at fuck all. My mum seems to think I have ADD or ADHD or something, or I may just be plain weird but I have a stupid amount of disposable energy a day as it is anyway, without adding extra psycho fuel to my natural mix. I started to calm a little bit after I sat down and rethought my fuckup for 20 minutes or so. Well done Me, I guess I royally fucked up today.
ChooseWisely72: Bread and water. Soak that stuff up. Wait about an hour, you'll be fine.
ShiveringShrew: I could buy decaff I guess, I love the stuff, but it makes me want to run round the street naked. Cheers for the tip
| 3 | 1 | |
1404068870 | 1404101094 | t3_29ets3 | t5_2to41 | 47 | birdgerhl666: TIFU by posting several personal details on craigslist
I put an ad on Craigslist under "All Community" - "childcare" offering babysitting services. I said that I was a Stay At Home Mom and mentioned my town, the cross street that I live by, that I live close to a school, my phone number and email address. I also posted a few pictures of my kid friendly backyard and my kids playing.
Today I received a phone call from a man, he SOUNDED creepy, not at all like a dad looking for a babysitter. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and continued the conversation. After he told me briefly about his "2 year old son Zachery", he kept asking how fast I was able to conceive my kids, if I wanted another child, how old I was, how I sounded so friendly....Then he told me he does surveys for a living and asked if he could ask me "sex questions". I hung up. I feel so stupid for posting my details on craigslist...I knew the risk but figured since I posted into a specific group that only moms would see it.
I typed in my phone number on Google and a completely different street and name came up - phew!
I also google searched my email address, again, nothing.
TL;DR: I posted some details about where I live and my phone number on a babysitting ad for craigslist and a creep called me asking weird questions and wanted to give me a "sex survey"
rzmohno: so... do you want another child?
gundersons-nuts: This man asks the important questions. Also, how do you sound so friendly?
epiphany_cookie: Could I ask you a few sex questions?
gundersons-nuts: Only ones that pertain to sex
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1404068580 | 1404131813 | t3_29etdo | t5_2to41 | 206 | uberi: TIFU by scratching my balls.
This was just a few hours ago.
I'll start off by saying that I broke my phone today while walking my dog. It was one of the only times I had taken it out of its case (of course..), and I dropped it on the ground. The screen was smashed. After I finished the walk, I tried my hardest to get all of the little demon-splinters out of the screen by wiping it over with a dry cloth (I had hoped the splinters of glass would stick into the cloth or something). It wasn't working to well so I just started picking them out with my nails. That was the initial fuckup.
In the thick of this, I really had to take a piss. So of course I go over to the bathroom, unzip my fly, and let loose. My boys were a little itchy so I decided to give them a little scratch, and that's where I really messed up.
The burning didn't start right away. Oh no. that came later. I didn't even notice getting fucked over by the splinters until they started to burn - but once they started, they didn't stop, and they still haven't. It feels like my nuts are being dipped into the fiery lakes of hell. I've tried to locate the splinters and pick them out but it ain't working. I've put a cold pack to my balls to hopefully numb them a bit, but no, cold + balls doesn't equal numbness, it just equals more pain. I've tried everything I could, but nothing is working.
So, I need a couple tips; How the hell do you locate a splinter on your ball-sack? And how do you make the pain go away?
Buttermynuts: I KNOW THE ANSWER. You need to butter them. You need to butter your nuts. Believe me, I know.
teddylovesmila: Redditor for 5 months. Checks out.
Kulongers: Please explain.
whalezzzzZz: He was checking to see if his name was created solely for the joke.
Kulongers: I just saw how painfully obvious that was now, FML. It's 12:19, I should probably get off Reddit.
Buttermynuts: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 7 | 29.428571 | |
1404070328 | 1404125016 | t3_29evtr | t5_2to41 | 7 | SecondaryShame: TIFU by dry pumping [NSFW]
To every guy here. I want you to look back, way back. Long time ago, to the talk. Yes, THE talk. With you, and your father. Now, think about the "masturbation" section. Your father said to you, as it was said to my brothers and I, to Always. Use. Lotion.
This, I dismissed immediately.
I am 17 years old. It's been a long time since that talk. And I have used lotion maybe 10 times in my life.
The rest, was Au Natural!
Now, here's something new. Last night was fun.
I got to my computer at about 10:00 PM, played hours of Insurgency, wen5t to my steam files and modded the TF2 cigarette case so they were Export 'A' Greens in the case and the other side was a broken Android phone with a broken screen. The screen reading "Incoming Call" with a picture and my friend's name below, with the swipe functions to answer or dismiss the call. Above these were the nine classes, in order, very VERY small, but still recognizable within a fraction of a second. Then, I booted it up to test. Didn't work. Went back, made it into a VPK, and it worked. Then, I got hooked into the server I was on. Played TF2 until 3:00 AM, then booted up Tor to see if I could find the website I've been looking for on the deep web.
It was a busy night. And then that feeling came along.
Let me just say, after heading to the bathroom, lit smoke and all, I went to work.
I won't tell you my whole story, as the majority of Reddit are guys. This would be awkward. So, let me tell you the real part.
The pain was only evident towards the end. Near the climax. And after, it was excruciating. I payed no mind to it, and instead went straight to bed.
This morning, I woke up, and tried to get out of bed.
The pain, my god the pain.
I had forced the skin to shed. Forming a very little amount of skin on a now very VERY red and painful part of my manhood.
[Here is where it happened...](http://i.imgur.com/v7JxSzp.png)
LISTEN TO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD.
MaryMudpie: So um.. what did the bit about TF2 modding have to do with the story?
SecondaryShame: I try to include all events during the day.
MaryMudpie: Chekhov's gun, man.
SecondaryShame: A principle I don't follow. For a lifelike immersion, some elements need not be relevant.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1404071127 | 1404086673 | t3_29ex0e | t5_2to41 | 92 | Drenferalis: TIFU by overdrafting my account by $3.
Today I fucked-up. I've been having a rough time, going through therapy, looking for a job, and what have you. I needed a phone, so I bought a skype subscription. Little did I know that I would be paying for a phone number ($3) just to get it to work. Well just 2 weeks ago I got charge for that phone number again (didn't look at the details and it was a monthly charge, derp) and I had already overdrafted my account for the phone subscription (I was short $3).
My bank refused this payment of $2.99.
Paypal said "I want this money" and tried again.
And again.
And again.
http://imgur.com/gallery/sIK8QtK
Im now $180 in debt from ~$7 in skype payments and ~$170 in bank fees.
The bank refuses to reverse the fees.
witchling_22: Fuck BoA. Right in the pussy. If you have a branch near you, I ***HIGHLY*** recommend Capital One.
Drenferalis: Thanks for the advice, I'm actually hunting for a new bank now.
[deleted]: Your better off with a local credit union. They tend to be less soulless than the big banks. The one I have only charged me $10 for a bounced check, op-in courtesy overdraft so payments go through, interest on my saving account, no maintenance fees for my accounts, no ATM fees if I go out of network, and no usage fees from other banks if I use ATMs in the CO-OP network. I actually had to be referred by me mom so they could accept me.
stormandsong: This, so much this. Banks are soul-sucking evil. Credit unions are member-owned non-profits. They gain nothing by fucking you over in this manner.
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1404073617 | 1404102490 | t3_29f0qb | t5_2to41 | 791 | throwawehy: TIFU by ejaculated on my friend
3 weeks ago I got circumcised because of a phimosis - since then I obviously wasn't able/allowed to masturbate. So a lot of pressure has been building up since.
A few nights ago a female friend of mine (let's call her Y) and I visited a friend we both knew from highschool. Since we got kind of drunk that evening we decided to stay for the night in his guestroom.
So, right now I normal sleep naked to let the wound heal and don't feel that much pain. But since Y and I shared a bed that night, I kept my boxers on.
Fast forward a few hours: I wake up in the middle of the night and my penis really hurts (I think I layed on my stomach for quite some time), so after checking if Y is awake still-a-little-bit-drunk - me decides to push down my underwear a bit to ease the pain.
Next thing I know is that I wake up again after a few hours, because I hear noises from the bathroom. At first I didn't think too much of it, until I saw some cum stains on the mattress.
Seems as if I faced Y while sleeping and hat a wet dream, so I instead of in my boxers I ejaculated on her...
I just pretendted to be asleep when she came back and haven't talked to her about it since :/
**TL;DR: Slept naked next to a friend, had a wet dream and came on her.**
Edit: TIalsoFU the title
Snannybobo: Is it not common to be circumcised as a baby?
i_pk_pjers_i: Nope. Reddit is really anti-circumcision.
Snannybobo: Why?
i_pk_pjers_i: Because we love our foreskin - circumcision reduces sensitivity, and the foreskin is the most sensitive part of the penis. I have heard horror stories of people getting circumcised in adulthood and regretting it.
Snannybobo: I don't know what it's like to be uncircumcised. I can't imagine my dick with foreskin over it.
[deleted]: It's really freakin' sensitive.
Snannybobo: Damn. Maybe that's why I last too long. :(
i_pk_pjers_i: Well, you can last long when you're uncircumcised too. When you hear about guys jizzing in their pants, those are most likely uncircumcised people.
Snannybobo: Ah. I've wondered why I've never done that.
i_pk_pjers_i: I mean... I haven't either, simply because I have self control, but I imagine that's just what it is.
Snannybobo: I've never had a wet dream either.
i_pk_pjers_i: I have but that happens to like everyone (circumcised or not) when you go like a week without masturbating.
Snannybobo: Luckily I'm not a member of /r/NoFap then
| 14 | 56.5 | |
1404074741 | 1404080823 | t3_29f2dq | t5_2to41 | 50 | confuseacatlmtd: TIFU by taking a girl home with me NSFW
This happened a few months ago, and it is finally funny to me. It started out as one the best moments of my life. A girl at a bar walked up to me and asked if I thought her friend was cute. She was so I said yes. I walked over and we got to talking. She said that in her culture she would call me daddy while I was fucking her, and I asked what I needed to do to get her to call me daddy. She said take her home with me.
Here is where is goes from awesome to super duper shitty. So the "friend" that brought her over was actually her girlfriend. I asked if she wanted to come with us but she said she wasn't into guys so we should just have a good time but to have the girl call her when we got to my place.
So whatever, we get back to my place, the girl calls and says she's fine and hangs up, and we have sex. Then, her gf calls again, AND AGIAN, AND AGAIN, and each time, the girl STOPS HAVING SEX with me to go answer the phone.
It is at this point becoming increasingly obvious that her gf isn't actually ok with this, and the last time a full on argument breaks out, and I am just stuck there listening, slowly losing my boner in the stupid ass condom (I hate condoms).
So I go to get some water, walk back into my bedroom, and the girl is fully dressed and says she has to go. She wouldn't even finish me off.
Looking back, it's funny. Right then, I was SOOO pissed off I wanted to explode.
duckvimes_: Doesn't really sound like a fuckup. I mean, you got sex, nothing was damaged or destroyed, and you weren't injured.
abelcc: Looks like OP didn't "release it"
duckvimes_: DM;HS?
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1404075183 | 1404076943 | t3_29f301 | t5_2to41 | 16 | tigerstripesk8: TIFU by making caramel
This morning, I decided I wanted butterscotch fudge but had no inclination to bike over to the store to see if this was a thing. Crafty gal that I am, I started making my own. In the process of caramelizing the brown sugar, I got some boiling syrup on my finger, which then instinctively went to my mouth. As you may or may not know, hot sugar binds to skin, so my finger was then stuck to my face for a couple minutes. I ended up pulling the skin off part of my lip to get freedom of movement back. Naturally, my candy overcooked while I was busy saving myself, so it turned out more like caramel than proper fudgey consistency, but it's still delicious.
TL;DR "Peeled off a part of my face by making candy."
edit: Oh yeah and the candy decided to turn itself into an ur-glob when I left it in a tupperware last night. I have no idea how I'm gonna get it back out.
Unrouted: At least the candy was worth it.
I spilled some ramen I myself once. Cheap soup is not worth the burns.
tigerstripesk8: The candy's not really worth it either, I can't eat this much caramel on my own. I'll just have to bring some of it to the next party I go to lol
Unrouted: Use it as a garnish for an appropriate liquor. No one will think you're trying to get rid of it and you'll look fancy.
tigerstripesk8: That'd be a great idea if I drank at all. Then again I have no idea how to use caramel as a garnish when it's in solid form.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1404071479 | 1404158304 | t3_29exk0 | t5_2to41 | 128 | woolocean: TIFU by walking in on my grandma masturbating
so my grandma is staying at my house and I hear a very soft moan come from her room as I knock on the door. when I open it, I see her quickly pull her hand out of her panties and zip up her pants....pretty damn awkward.
BFather: I work in a senior-based community and if I had a dollar for every time I saw that or far worse I'd have at least $50 bucks! Seniors in communal living get laid constantly!
LargeTeethHere: can the guys even get up? How is this enjoyable with just fingers and no teeth?
luckeynumber8: those are the best blowjobs, buddy
LargeTeethHere: Are you speaking from experience, or a really detailed dream
Username__Irrelevant: Relevant username.
| 6 | 21.333333 | |
1404078347 | 1404182381 | t3_29f7q5 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by slapping my girlfriend's best friend in the head.
A couple of hours ago I was at a my girlfriend's father's. I had driven both her and her friend there and was sitting by her friend for the entire meal. Obviously I am trying to be on my best behavior, and everything was going fine at the beginning.
Towards the middle of the meal a wasp begins buzzing around the friend's head, she motions to me to look for it as she doesn't know if it landed on her or not. I see the wasp and was going to just flick it away, but suddenly I realize it is burrowing\digging into her hair, so I panic. As my hand swung to strike the bug I realized what would happen, but it was all to late. I managed to get the bug... but I also hit the friend so hard it knocked her glasses off.... The rest of the dinner did not go nearly as well as the first half.
imnotHeisenberg: Fuck that, she could either be slightly annoyed for 5mins or be in a substantial amount of pain for some time, no sir Today, you did not fuck up
[deleted]: I appreciate that, thank you sir.
| 3 | 3 | |
1404072512 | 1404097803 | t3_29ez3s | t5_2to41 | 44 | freakazoidjake: TIFU by making custom T-shirts.
So my family is out on vacation and left me home because I had work. Well, I had a good 4 hours before my shift and I had a custom shirt order to fulfill, and I figured I'd do it really fast so I could relax and play games before work.
I make bleached shirts on the side for some extra money, and the process involves potentially getting bleach on my clothes, so I stripped everything off of me but my underwear.
So the process ends when I've dunked the shirt in cold water to neutralize the bleach. This time, there were a lot of shirts and I was feeling lazy and didn't want to wring them out. I remembered that I had a trash can that wasn't being used in the garage that I could use to transport everything to the washer in one trip. Eager to get done, I hastily enter the garage and the door slams shut behind me.
One thing I forgot to realize was that once in every 10,000 turns our doorknob locks itself. Not all the way, but gets stuck between locked and unlocked. It's something that can't be remedied from the other side.
Anyway, this was one of those times. The door slammed shut and it was dark in the garage, but I could see enough to grab the trashcan, and I rush back to turn the knob.
No. No.
I'm locked out of my own house! In nothing but my underwear! I started to panic, because my family wasn't due back for another day. In my car (that was unlocked thankfully) there was an emergency blanket which I wrapped around myself like some weird roman citizen, and exited out the back garage door to check windows. Nope, all locked.
I shamefully opened the loud garage door to check my front windows and door, and nope. Locked. I tried picking the lock with what I had, I tried to open the door with a sheet of plastic I found - nothing worked.
It was getting late, and I didn't have a watch or phone so I couldn't check time. I knew what had to be done. I needed to seek assistance from neighbors. I knocked on three doors in my roman garb before someone answered, and she was hesitant to let some weirdo in to call a lock smith, but she obliged.
I sat on the front porch for another hour waiting, and I had to endure the stares of passersby.
FINALLY after getting back in and going to work 30 minutes late, I had to explain everything to my supervisor. FML.
TL;DR: accidentally locked my naked self out of the house.
Edit: Fixed typo
TheUnRealTylerDurden: I would've just kicked the door in
Sypher0110: Good for you he-man, some of us prefer not to break things.
TheUnRealTylerDurden: Some of us know how to fix a broken door frame cheaper than a locksmith.
Dinosoarman: Some of us are fat. We use our mass to break things, not strength.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1404079564 | 1404091430 | t3_29f9kr | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a stranger to take a picture of me and my crush at 01:00 AM
kembik: I think you owe the fat guy $40 for his services.
edgebigfan: I met him again a half an hour ago, i told him that he's lucky that i didn't call the police. And he said: "I'm sorry, **sir**" And i'm just 15, can you imagine how awesome i felt? Also, it's weird that he can still remember what happend, minding that he took a nokia in the head.
coisa_ruim: The first time you're called **sir** is just unforgettable. To me it happened while I was at my mobile carrier store (happened last year so I was also 15). Well, the were trying to sell me something but still, someone called me **sir**.
Btw where are you from? How come you're 15 and you're leaving school?
| 4 | 11 |
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