start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1404078865 | 1404094063 | t3_29f8i9 | t5_2to41 | 288 | femalesextoyseverywh: TIFU by walking into the bathroom when my brother was in there
Now, my brother and I are very close. I am 19 years old, and he is 17. We used to do everything together until I went off to university. Well, I am back for my summer vacation right now.
When we were children (I was 12, he was 10), he would never use the bathroom with the door locked (you could tell when he was pooping because he would leave the door wide open when peeing). When I found out, I grabbed the camera, and quickly opened the door and photographed him (still have the picture, looks mortified). That picture has always been a joke in our family that we revisit for laughter every once in a while.
Well me, being the bored dude I am, thought it would be funny to do it again. The door is locked so I unlock it quietly and I get my phone ready, and on a count of 3 I do it. 3,2,1 OPEN.
The first thing I see is a vibrator on the counter... and then I see my brother with one leg propped up on the sink and a pink dildo up his butthole and then he had his computer open facing me with obese black people porn.
How do I know these details? I STILL TOOK THE PICTURES. Yeah. And 2 days later when I was going through my pics I forgot about my brother and bam, there was 4 images.
After the incident, I stammered for a few seconds and said "sorry" and closed the door.
Later, I told him not to worry about it because we all have our fetish.
So yeah, TIFU.
edgebigfan: If i could, you would have gold by now
ambassat: If I could I'd give you both gold
edgebigfan: If I could, I'd give me, you, and OP **gold**
Crydidf: If I could, I would take photos of all of you shoving pink dildos up your butts looking at obese black people porn.
;)
| 5 | 57.6 | |
1404080433 | 1404095160 | t3_29favq | t5_2to41 | 173 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my mother's lipgloss.
Let me start by saying that I live approximately 1.5 hours away from my hometown because I'm currently in university. I was home visiting for the weekend, and some old friends from high school invited me out. Not wanting to bring a purse, but a purse was all I had, I asked my mom if she had a small satchel that I could borrow, and lo and behold - she said I could use [this one](http://i.imgur.com/YwlXwrC.jpg)! She uses to keep make up organized in her purse; what's the harm in that?
**apparently there's a lot of harm that can be done...**
I empty it out to find all kinds of different lip glosses.. ([these lip glosses](http://i.imgur.com/wYO4uYS.jpg)). My mom often uses awesome makeup, so it's not uncommon for me to try some of her products. I already had my makeup done, coloured lipstick included, so I reached for the clear lip gloss, not wanting to ruin my colour. It was awesome - it tingled, and tasted great, so my mind immediately jumped to "what a great lip plumper!". I continually use it throughout the night, and all is well.
This morning I to go empty the satchel, to return it to my mom, and I come across the clear lip gloss again. "I'll just use it one more time before I give it back", I say to myself, and on it goes. For the first time, I actually looked at the label to see what brand it was - I wanted to buy some for myself!
I look at the tube. ["Shunga"](http://i.imgur.com/EkBjnKm.jpg). Oh, never heard of them; but what's that smaller writing there?
**["Shunga Erotic Art"](http://i.imgur.com/nmHKfYi.jpg)** is the full title.
No. That can't be right. At this point, I panic. There's a website on the back of the tube. After some research, I come to the realization that the product I've been putting all over my face is [Shunga Devine Oral Pleasure Gloss](http://store-ca.shunga.com/intense-pleasure?product_id=60).
I had been using oral pleasure lipgloss all night. My mother's oral pleasure lip gloss. That she carries in her purse.
**TL/DR: I used my mother's blowjob lipgloss continuously throughout the night, unaware of what it really was!**
steezyvape: Have you considered telling your mom how great that lipgloss was and if she could buy some for you sometime?
Maximum awkward!
[deleted]: Oh man. I can only imagine..
steezyvape: It would be awkward, but then at least she would realize she left it out for you to chance upon and maybe think twice about leaving it laying around. lol.
[deleted]: I think she was trying to be sneaky - you know, hiding it in plain sight and all that..
steezyvape: Risky move... Hiding things in plain sight has the chance of being seen, what with plain sight and all.
Plus, would it of been that much harder to leave it in her room bathroom or really anywhere else? She forgot it in her bag. lol.
| 6 | 28.833333 | |
1404081147 | 1404244915 | t3_29fbw3 | t5_2to41 | 78 | [deleted]: TIFU by trolling on 4chan
Welp, I was a little drunk and figured "Hey, I'll go to /b/ and have a laugh by trolling - no lasting harm as no thread lasts for more than a day and everyone's anonymous". Welll, drunk me decided it was time to flush out some more pedos and get them banned for justice and laughs, because that's what any good /b/tard does.
So I made a troll/bait thread with a pic of Chris Hanson and let it go from there. Everyone was posting pictures of pizza (actual edible pizza, not the euphemism for what pedos go after) and playing around having a great time in the joke thread...when suddenly the banhammer came down. Even though as the thread progressed and devolved into a joke thread I had made my intentions clear, they still saw me as the pedo asking for cp.
So now I'm banned for life from 4chan and my IP forever has the stigma of "asking for cp."
FML
Ponox: I hate to break it to you, but those pictures of pizza, were not just pictures.
Clear your cache.
[deleted]: Funny :P You might wanna do the same there.
Phantasticals: He isn't joking. People hide rar files in jpegs. Guess what is in the rar files? That's why you were banned...
[deleted]: Wat. O_O Well, if that's true than I *really*, **really** fucked up.....FUCK! D:
Ponox: Just delete any images you may have saved and you're pretty much good. Hopefully you don't get V&.
[deleted]: I didn't download anything - still...welp, guess I learned to leave justice to the people with badges then. I feel...sick. I wanted to fuck with these freaks, not help them get what they wanted!
Jill4ChrisRed: at least you know now: don't download images of pizza from any source, especially 4chan.
| 8 | 9.75 | |
1404082318 | 1404097775 | t3_29fdhn | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting toothpaste in my hair
Allow me to explain...
My schedule at work has been all over the map lately and I haven't been relaxing very much in what little time off I actually allow myself. As a result, I'm tired, cranky and (apparently) absent-minded.
So I got out of the shower, walked to the sink and picked up the toothpaste. I squirted some (a lot, actually) into my hands and proceeded to rub it into my hair because I thought it was my pomade.
Fun fact: the pomade comes in a canister and the toothpaste is in a tube. The two look nothing alike. Different shapes and colors. Completely different scent. And I massaged it into my head anyway.
I noticed the mistake immediately and walked right back into the shower to shampoo it all out. The tingly feeling on my scalp was kinda nice, but I wouldn't recommend it otherwise.
BrilliantTrash: Gotta be careful with that. You don't want to wear down the enamel in your hair.
Usernam123: Hehehe
| 3 | 7 | |
1404083507 | 1404135591 | t3_29ff3k | t5_2to41 | 9 | Idiotic_Person: TIFU by 'tricking' my girlfriend into thinking I got her flowers when I got her something else.
I feel really fucking stupid right now and I'm going to disappoint her.
Okay, let's begin..
My girlfriend and I have quite a hard relationship. We don't live overly close to each other and even then the visits we have are just..awkward. I haven't seen her in months.
About 2 months ago, my girlfriend asked for flowers. I promised her I'd get them for her, But to be honest I have no source of income (I'm 16) except what is in my bank (Which I can't withdraw until I'm eighteen) except for the £15 a week I get for being in care, which has had to go on clothes and essentials.
Today, I saw something she'd REALLY like. An Iron Man USB drive. She REALLY likes Marvel, DC, all that shizzle, so I thought 'Hey, I'll get it for her!' I scraped up some money and bought it off amazon, shipped to her house. I then swore to myself I'd try and get her flowers ASAP.
I then messaged her telling her I'd gotten her a gift. What I said was
"Right I got you something small, there's more to come trust me, I also hadvent' forgotten about the flowers ;) (But thats not it...yet)...I love you x"
Now I think about it, she probably now thinks I have gotten her flowers instead of the Iron Man USB drive.
Maybe I'm just overreacting a bit (probably) But I don't really want to disappoint her.
Shit.
TL;DR : Told my girl she'd be getting some cool things, she probably thinks its flowers because that what she likes the most in the world, and Instead I got her something else. here comes some disappointment.
Advice? Do I just explain?
KelRen: I think you're beating yourself up kiddo! Relax! If it were me, I'd rather have a cool USB than dumb ole flowers any day! Flowers last what? A week? The USB potentially lasts forever and if she really likes Iron Man that much I think she'll be thrilled.
P.S. - If you really are stuck on the flowers thing just pick some from a park (or someone's yard but don't get caught) and wrap them with tissue paper. Score!
Idiotic_Person: the problem is, I can't deliver her flowers because we live two hours apart and the care home won't drive me up to see her.
| 3 | 3 | |
1404084587 | 1404089754 | t3_29fgkh | t5_2to41 | 45 | Richy8447: TIFU by lending my friend $6.00
Me and my friend went to the movies and he shared popcorn with me. I bought myself a drink but he did not. I devour the popcorn and eventually he says I ate too much popcorn so I stop eating and leave it all to him. Later on he wants to buy a drink and some nachos but doesn't have enough money. I give him $6.00 because a small drink+nachos (which is extremely overpriced is $15.00). Instead of getting the small drink and nachos he decides to not get anything and keeps my money. I ask for it back and he says "Sorry man, I don't know where your money went".
So fast forward to 7:00pm. Movie is over and I'm driving him to his apartment. I ask for my $6.00 back so I could pay for gas as I was running low on cash. I don't know why but he gets extremely ticked and starts screaming at me saying he doesn't have my money. I got as much gas as I could with the amount of money I had minus the $6 and politely ask him to get out of my car. I drive off and when I get home I'm feeling really guilty. I decide to forget about it by playing some games but I still can't get over it. He hasn't returned any of my texts and I'm still down $6
TL:DR- Lent $6 to my friend and he kept it and never gave it back. Ask for it back to get more gas and he goes off at me. I tell him get out of my car and I drive off. Now I feel guilty
Edit 1: I feel guilty for leaving him standing in a gas station without a ride home.
DramDemon: Don't feel guilty, he shouldn't have gone off on you like that. Although, 6 bucks isn't really something to get mad about for either side.
HeartAndFist_: It's the principle that matters here. He's a thief, I say!
DramDemon: That's true, but I would want to find out what happened to it before going as far to say he is a thief. Maybe he is waiting to get money to pay OP back.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1404084339 | 1404161820 | t3_29fg9d | t5_2to41 | 46 | Psychocow: TIFU by dumping my baby gravy into my wife's eye NSFW
So I hadn't seen my wife in over 2 weeks due to some military training I had to attend. While I was away I decided to really spice up the next time we were together by getting us some nice new toys to play with. Nothing big, some handcuffs, a blindfold, a toy for her and one of those one use throw away tenga eggs for me.
We got back yesterday and of course fireworks flew. We had a good time but midst all the excitement we forgot about the tenga egg. So the next day I'm unpacking a bag, and find the thing, my wife is a little sore from the day before so I suggest we use that on me instead of making her worse. I love these little things so it really got me going and worked wonders. At this point I should mention that I'd been on a self-imposed no self-touching ban the entire time my wife and I were away to make the next time all the more spectacular.
So I'm still not fully recovered from said no-fap spectacular of nearly 3 weeks and with the help of the little masturbator I significantly emptied my nuts. I mean this thing was half full. My wife is laying on my shoulder watching this, being generally turned on by my penis antics and whispering naughty things in my ear. I'm marveling at just how much I'd just filled this thing up and kind of forgot the implications of laying on the bed and gravity in my post orgasmic glow. I turn the thing horizontal to look in the insert-able end and dump 90% of the contents out.... right onto my wife's face and eye.
Now any of you that may know a thing or two about eyes and spooge know that this stings like a son of a bitch when it's just a little bit in there by accident. this was at least a tablespoon worth. Her eye stung like she'd poured bleach in it for a solid hour. Luckily she was a good sport and laughed it off once she had used the shower as a makeshift eye wash station, but I still feel really bad.
Remember kids: Jiz is a fluid, gravity always makes fluids fall down no matter which way you are laying, and goof juice makes eyes burn, keep away.
FaKeShAdOw: This happens. Don't worry about it!
At least she didn't poop on your dick!
i_pk_pjers_i: >
At least she didn't poop on your dick!
That's why I don't understand why it seems like everyone on Reddit likes anal... What happens if poop goes IN your urethra?!?!
FaKeShAdOw: Then you can get a bad infection if it stays in there. Also, it's absolutely disgusting for blowjobs unless you like sucking shit water out of your boyfriend's penis. (I don't do ass to mouth, you can tell.)
That's why you have to pee really hard after sex. Both of you.
However, to prevent this, use a condom. Either male or female condom.
i_pk_pjers_i: Yeah, but condoms are shitty. :(
Username__Irrelevant: It will be. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 6 | 7.666667 | |
1404084903 | 1404172208 | t3_29fh0r | t5_2to41 | 17 | heisenberg747: TIFU my computer with a filled water bottle
I woke up yesterday morning with a bad hangover and a dry mouth. I went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water, and brought it back to my room. I got in bed, intending to chug the whole bottle and go back to sleep, but I fell a sleep a bit earlier than intended. I awoke holding a nearly empty water bottle, directly above the laptop on my nightstand.
There was a very small puddle on the plastic where you rest your hands to type ([it's a dell inspiron](http://software2pc.com/imgs/DELL-Inspiron-15R.jpg)), so I wasn't worried about it, but when I tilted the computer to whipe off the water, at least half of the contents of the bottle poured out of a crack in the plastic.
Took it to the kitchen, poured rice on the table, set the computer on the rice, poured more rice on the laptop, went back to sleep heartbroken.
Rice kicks ass at saving computers though, as I'm writing this post on the laptop I soaked.
shotgun43: my friend did this with a desktop once... it makes a grinding sound now
angypangy: Just open it up and fix whatever's grinding. It's probably a fan or a disk drive or something.
shotgun43: you see thats the thing his computer is rivetted shut
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1404090745 | 1404129008 | t3_29fp28 | t5_2to41 | 93 | wordsoffarewell: TIFU by not flushing a spider down the toilet
There was a spider on my staircase. A nasty violator of my home domain so I decided to seek my revenge on it. I picked it up with several tissues and quickly ran with it to the toilet to flush it away and end its misery. However, I realized I needed to take a dump so I decided I would be a little more sinister and drop a few bombs on the spider to teach it a lesson. So I didn't flush, sat on the toilet, did my business and finished up. When I stood up to pull my pants up the little fucker was on my inner thigh making a dash for the boys. I screamed like a little girl, brush the spider off and ran out of the bathroom with my pants half down all to the amazement of my family staring back at me.
haseya07: I think I've read another tifu that sounds exactly like this one.. except the shit log was still attached to his anus and the spider climbed over it...
YukiHyou: I thought that was a [cockroach](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/26rq6m/tifu_by_trying_to_shit_on_a_cockroach/) ?
haseya07: I'll be damned... so it is. My bad. Pretty similar series of events, tho. Haha...
| 4 | 23.25 | |
1404090931 | 1404095849 | t3_29fpba | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by draining my kids swimming pool.
I drained my daughters pool (about 500 gallons). I've done this twice now this summer because I cannot afford a pool vacuum. I drain it, scrub it clean and then refill it. Well, my neighbor to the back of my house comes over. She is crying and can barley speak words. I get her to calm down and she proceeds to tell me that a stray cat had kittens in her back yard and that me draining my pool mildly floods her yard. But the water had drowned three out of the five kittens. She said her daughter took the other two to the vet but they had too much water in their lungs and had to be put down. I feel like a bag of dicks about this and cannot imagine what those poor kitties went through. I keep thinking "why didn't the momma cat pick them up and move them?" I don't know, maybe she was out hunting for food? Ugh. I fucked up.
sammymagz: You do realize that filling up a 500 gallon pool every few weeks is costing you way more than a filter would. Small pool filter systems are rather cheap.
guriido_: I think he means that thing that crawls around on the bottom and picks up all the dirt. But it probably is more expensive either way.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1404090716 | 1404146625 | t3_29fp0h | t5_2to41 | 6,823 | xduqte: TIFU by visiting a prostitute [nsfw]
Was coming home Saturday evening after many, many beers with a mate. There's a brothel near my place and I was feeling drunk, horny and foolish, so figured what the hell and went in.
Ended up booking two hours with a young lady there. In amongst other things we made small talk and she mentioned that she was only 19 years old. I'm only 27, but even so I felt momentarily awkward about this new piece of information. Nevertheless we continued, and as the minutes passed she became more and more friendly, kissing me and generally making it into some kind of impromptu GFE. I found myself having a lot more fun with this girl than I was expecting. About half way through she offered to get me a drink, noting that she herself did not imbibe alcohol. When I inquired further about this she said alcohol made her a bit crazy and offhandedly noted that she preferred to smoke crystal instead.
Wait, what?
I'm pretty easy going but even so I was taken aback. I mustn't have shown it however, because she soon returned both with a drink and a glass pipe, and asked me to join her. I don't know if it was the alcohol or the rush of the moment or severe lack of blood flow to the brain, but I simply nodded and said, "Sure!"
Brimming artificial confidence and a libido on overdrive, we go at it like rabbits. Then she stops me with a sly grin and tells me that for a bit more cash we can continue sans the condom.
If it's not evident to you by now, I am a very poor decision maker.
Took her up on the offer because what could possibly go wrong, and commenced Act III. Afterwards, she gave me her number (is it just me or is that weird), I got home and passed out on the couch. Woke up the next morning and slowly began to feel a wave of horror wash over me as I remembered the events of the previous night, and the concerning number of firsts I had unwittingly achieved. And soon I will be taking part in yet another first: my first STI blood test.
TL;DR: did crystal meth and barebacked a 19 y/o hooker
VinnieWilson02: Sounds like you had fun and that's important
beepbloopbloop: I mean, if you don't have an STI that just sounds like a great night, really. Just don't get hooked on meth.
q8p: I feel like that last part cannot be overstated.
beepbloopbloop: Seriously, heroin is really more pleasant.
LuxNocte: Sometimes I just think to myself, "Shit. Why aren't I doing heroin right fucking now?"
Then I do heroin with absolutely no side effects or negative consequences, and I laugh at those sorry bastards who aren't man enough to chase the dragon.
goatcoat: Good luck, man.
LuxNocte: Thanks, man! You got any heroin?
willclerkforfood: *starts itching*
Parralyzed: That doesn't really happen to Heroin users
TommyTheCat89: I'm pretty sure that's a side effect of most opioids, so I have to disagree. Though, I admit I have no experience in the matter.
HeyChaseMyDragon: By the time you are hooked enough to cop off random strangers from the Internet, you don't itch anymore. Dat itch is part of what gets you hooked.
TommyTheCat89: Nope. Actually, the itch happens while on the drug. It's not a symptom of withdrawal, as far as I know.
| 13 | 524.846154 | |
1404091098 | 1404095512 | t3_29fpin | t5_2to41 | 5 | langdonaulger: TIFU by dislocating my coworker's shoulder
About half an hour ago, my co-worker Mark offered to give me a ride to the bus stop because he noticed me walking. I gladly accepted and got in his car.
He started cleaning off the passenger seat and when I got in, I went to adjust my seat back a notch. When I lifted the latch on the seat, it slid back all the way instead of just a notch. Mark just so happened to be putting something from the passenger seat behind my seat at the time...
The next thing I know, Mark is saying that he "thinks it's out," and I realize that the seat going back dislocated his shoulder.
After much profuse apology, we called an ambulance and the EMTs were able to pop his shoulder back into place, but I have a feeling that he won't be offering me a ride again.
DramDemon: No offense, but if someone offers you a ride, why would you mess with their car? Even if it's something like adjusting the seat, it's their car, and you probably could have gotten through the ride without adjusting it.
That said, since it was just a mistake, he shouldn't be too angry about it. Although I wouldn't expect anymore car rides like you mentioned.
sammymagz: Yea! If someone offers you a ride, in a seat they will never sit in because they totally drive the vehicle and it's terribly uncomfortable and your eating your knees and straining your back while catching a calf cramp, you better not adjust it! That would be rude.
Asinine.
DramDemon: Hey now, no need to be edgy. I just think adjusting the seat isn't really something you should do if you are just taking a ride home, unless you have a **NEED** too.
Also, if you do want to adjust the seat, it's not that hard to ask. Obviously it was an accident so it's not OP's complete fault, but I'm just saying I think it could have been avoided.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404093836 | 1404228818 | t3_29ft86 | t5_2to41 | 148 | iANDR0ID: TIFU by tanning my penis.
This did not actually take place today but this is one of my favorite sexcapades and this seems like the appropriate place to share.
For Christmas a couple of years ago, my roommates and our respective girlfriends decided to have a Secret Santa gift exchange. The gift given to my girlfriend was a variety of warming sex lotions/lube.
Fast forward to NYE a week later. My girlfriend and I are pretty intoxicated and begin to ring in the new year with some drunken sex. She tells me to grab one of the sex lotions from the top drawer of the nightstand and the rest is hazy.
I awake the next morning with a mysterious brownish orange paint-like substance all over my hands. It's in between my fingers, underneath my fingernails, all over my palms and I have no idea what it is. I head to the bathroom to wash it off and take a piss. The "paint" is all over my manhood and on the inside of my thighs. WTF. I go back to the bedroom to show the girlfriend and she doesn't know what it is either. Her hands are clean but, upon further inspection, she notices the "paint" is on the inside of her legs also. About this time, I discover an opened bottle of Instant-Tan lotion on the nightstand. Inside the drawer, the sex lotions remain unopened.
**TL;DR** Used tanning lotion for lube.
[deleted]: Hey, at least you can say you have a black penis
[deleted]: Orange **
HBStone: orange is the new black
Edit: wow, stranger, thanks so much for the gold :O
esrevnoc: I would bestow gold upon your account if I was a poor, starving, college student.
HBStone: those are the kindest words I've ever read
| 6 | 24.666667 | |
1404091030 | 1404101010 | t3_29fpfg | t5_2to41 | 21 | Anonymous828420: TIFU by trying to jack off in the living room
TIFU by trying to masturbate in the living room via Google TV. I closed the blinds, locked the door and got ready to do it. I went in incognito mode and found a good video and got down to business. About five minutes in, my friend knocks at my door! Oh shit! oh shit! I panicked, stood up and then fucking came on the floor!!! I threw the towel and lotion behind the couch, scrambled to exit out. Then rushed to the door and then greeted my friend...I looked down and my fly was undone, with lotion on it as well as cum on the bottom of my shorts!!! I invited him in and came inside to see NASCAR on the TV... I hate NASCAR so I'm pretty sure he knew something was up. I proceeded to the bathroom and cleaned up. When I came out he kinda smiled like he knew, so that's my awkward fuck up of the day!
GNasty49: you should have made him wait outside until you cleared the crime scene
First_Of_Tha_Month: You should have made him drink the evidence. Bro job! Bro job!
| 3 | 7 | |
1404094460 | 1404110085 | t3_29fu2f | t5_2to41 | 26 | OatsNraisin: TIFU by smacking a couple with an inner tube.
So I work as a lifeguard at my University's pool, which has a lazy river where swimmers can float around on inner tubes. At the end of the day, our job is to collect the tubes the swimmers have been using. Some end up on the inner part of the loop, so to get them put away, we just toss them across the river.
I was just doing my thing, tossing tubes across like the tube-tossing expert I am. I grab a tube, wind up and throw, but my grip stays on the handle too long. Instead of sending it safely to the other side, it careens over at an angle like a runaway discus. As soon as I can think "oh shit I hope it doesn't hit that couple" the thing smacks them both in the face.
The guy seemed alright with it, but the woman was summarily pissed, not even making eye contact with me as I profusely apologized. But who could blame her? She was busy checking if I didn't shatter her sunglasses.
**tl:dr** I took a couple by surprise with a perfectly executed (albeit unintentional) double-headshot double-kill.
MotherOfThePill: Finally a TIFU that isn't about sex ! That does sound like a major oops though.
uss1701jb: So I work as a lifeguard at my University's pool, which has a lazy river where swimmers can float around on inner tubes. At the end of the day, our job is to collect the tubes the swimmers have been using. Some end up on the inner part of the loop, so to get them put away, we just toss them across the river.
I was just doing my thing, tossing tubes across like the tube-tossing expert I am. I grab a tube, wind up and throw, but my grip stays on the handle too long. Instead of sending it safely to the other side, it careens over at an angle like a runaway discus. As soon as I can think "oh shit I hope it doesn't hit that couple" the thing smacks them both in the face.
The guy seemed alright with it, but the woman was summarily pissed, not even making eye contact with me as I profusely apologized. But who could blame her? She was busy checking if I didn't shatter her sunglasses.
We had a threeway later that night.
HAPPY NOW
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1404098272 | 1404155380 | t3_29fz17 | t5_2to41 | 3 | RAGING_HEMORRHOIDS: TIFU by buying weed with friends
Well, today my best friend and i decided we wanted to get blazed tonight, and we're gonna go in half on some. We go ahead and head out, when i find out, she hadn't even asked her boyfriend. Now, for the first few months of their relationship it was a touchy topic, because she didn't like him doing it. Now, she doesn't care, but he still does.
Of course, this cruises into a kinda big fight. I'm kinda awkwardly sitting around, feeling like shit. I thought they had finally worked out an agreement on this, because last time we all did together. But, i guess not.
Now I feel like I've caused a fight between them, and she isn't returning my calls. I fucked up.
clarinetta: She fucked up by dating a controlling boyfriend.... BOYFRIEND.
Seldarin: If she spent months yelling at him for doing it, then goes and does exactly what she was yelling at him for doing, he's pretty much in the right to pitch a fit.
But yeah, totally not OP's fault.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404098826 | 1404182625 | t3_29fzrq | t5_2to41 | 32 | LinkTossing: TIFU by telling my girlfriend she can hook-up with other guys
Let me give you guys some back-story first. My girlfriend and I (both of us in our early 20's) have been going out for the past 7 years and have had a pretty good relationship. However, the past few years I've been scared shit-less thinking she might be the last person I'll ever get to sleep with if we ever decide to get married.
After reading an article on cracked about how "open relationships" are a lot healthier and tend to last much longer, i told her, jokingly of course, that we should try it out for ourselves and that we should start hooking up with other people.
She surprised me by saying yes (Though her wording was much closer to "OMFG Hellz Yeah"), and we decided to go through with it, but only after we set the following ground rules:
- Rule #1: No family or friends can be humped.
- Rule #2: "sex - meetings" can only happen once a month
- Rule #3: The "encounters" must always be reported, nothing can happen without each other's knowledge and consent.
- Rule #4: Weekend gettaways with a lover are allowed.
- Rule #5: If you start having feelings for your lover, end it.
This sounded good and well in my head, since i was kinda hoping she'd give me a permanent "hallpass" that I would use if ever the time came. But i started to notice my girlfriend getting hideously excited. My girlfriend is significantly more attractive than I am and guys are always hitting on her. This was never a problem for me because she has always shown a weird, almost religious devotion to me and the relationship. Now however, she is already on the hunt, talking about getting a makeover, going back to the gym and shit and I'm terribly worried she will get a paramour or 3 in a couple of weeks and Ill be all alone kicking myself for it.
I Fucked Up...
Singmenohymns: Meh....if she's that excited over this it was probably going to happen eventually anyway. The only thing you can do now is establish dominance by banging more chicks than she does dudes. It's your only hope.
LinkTossing: She's got way more game than I do, not to mention all the girls i really wanna screw are significantly above my league. I can fuck uggos but Id rather not
Singmenohymns: A man unwilling to bang an ugly chick for a hot chick deserves neither.
LinkTossing: How are you people missing the point. She is excited to fuck other people, that was the whole post. The rest was just filling.
DrXenu: welcome to the internet... now grab your harpoon and start your whale hunt. You need to get yourself 4 uggos so you can combine them for a 10.
Emperor_Nihilist: I'm in fucking tears
spoodus: He'll be in tears fucking....
| 8 | 4 | |
1404098535 | 1404115098 | t3_29fzeg | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By calling the cops on my Cholo neighbours
In our apartments someone had a Quinceañera party, there was loud music and karaoke going on around 10 p.m. Around this time one of our neighbours asks the DJ to turn down the music, instead of taking it to consideration, the DJ just ignores it. The guy gets very angry at this and turns on the water hose, sparying it onto the food, people, and electrical equipment. After I hear a few bottles break, I know there was going to be violence among them because the Cholo's family starts getting riled up and kitchen knives start appearing. At this point I called the cops on them because I was honestly worried what the outcome might have been. As I finished the call, I see one of his family members look at me from my window, I couldn't tell if he told the others but at this point I was nervous. Luckily the police show up on time before anyone gets shanked. During the police report, the Cholo tells the officer that someone threw a Chili pepper at his face and said, "Stick it in your asshole", I started laughing at hearing this from my window, which made them to believe I called. One of officers finds drugs and arrests the guy.
After the incident; I start noticing the ugly faces the family makes at me. A few days later, my mail packages start missing and other things are getting stolen. I don't care at this point because I'm moving somewhere new for college in July but I can tell things would get a lot harder if I stayed around.
TL;DR snitches get stitches, or in this case their mail packages get stolen.
yoyoyo_its_me: if you ever have to call 911 because of neighbors fighting, in my case they were wrestling over a shotgun in the street, say that you, "you just drove by" on the phone. The last thing i'd want is the cop to say, "one of your neighbors called us." or thinking you are still around and wanting to talk to you about your call, being seen talking to police is not good in these situations.
I may just be too paranoid. but again, they were literally wrestling over a shotgun in the street
DrXenu: plot twist. OP lives in a cul-de-sac.
| 3 | 3 | |
1404090828 | 1404259638 | t3_29fp6m | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a clueless fuck
At the store today, buying some running clothes.
Cashier was a really cute girl my age, was chatting her up a bit.
Asks me if I want to sign up for there rewards program.
Not really, but yes.
Asking me for my info, name, phone number, etc.
Putting in my information, tells me story about how she was at a store last week signing up for a similar thing and the guy at the register was all like "Yeah, I can just get cute girls phone numbers all day."
Realize story is over, give awkward pity laugh like, "Oh yeah, I guess you totally could."
Awkward silence, take my stuff and leave.
Walking away like "Wow, she was hot and nice and all but GOD that was a pointless story."
"Oh."
"OH."
jcaits: This is how you fix this... You go back in like a week or two and buy some more stuff from her. Be all 'hey, I can't remember if I signed up for the rewards all ready, I'll give you my phone number could you look it up?'
Smooth as fuck.
Commander_Luka: Well played
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1404100056 | 1404102058 | t3_29g1ea | t5_2to41 | 11 | nippletonbonerfart: TIFU by being a getting into a fight with my mother.
Here, I will provide a little backstory first. I'm 17 years old, and lately there has been some weird shit going on in my house. My mom has been taking some of my adderall. (I have insanely ADD and it really helps me be more calm and in control of my life) She did this without my knowledge, so when I ran out early I freaked out. This has led to a few small arguments, and is the reason why I have felt like shit for the past week. I think it may be her attempt at coping with her upcoming divorce.
Now for the fight itself. It all started over something really stupid, and to be honest it is mostly just a huge blur. She wanted me to help her with her gardening, and I said something wrong while I was working. Next thing I know were in each others faces, screaming insults. I never have said hurtful things to my mom before, but I called her a bitch, a drugged up cow and other things to that nature. It was pretty awful, I would never have said things like that, had I not already been in a terrible mood, and still upset about her stealing my pills. The fight died down, and I left for my room to give myself space to vent and relax.
The next morning I calmed down and apologized and I thought that was the end of it. Oh how wrong I was. About 3 hours ago my dad returned home from a weekend golf trip with his buddies. I was just getting out of the bathroom and I see him standing there. He ushers me into my room and says we need to talk. I figure that we would talk about the fight, I would get grounded and that would finally be the end of it.
Again, I was very wrong.
He says he thinks there is something going on, and that I'm on more than adderall. Well you guessed it guys, he's right. It isn't anything hard, but I smoke cigarettes regularly and pot occasionally. Now my dad is an ultra-conservative, especially when it comes to drugs. He is also extremely paranoid, and has been accusing me of being on them long before I actually started experimenting. So to him this is his worst nightmare. He started searching my room and stopped to ask me if I had anything to confess before he continued. He was getting dangerously close to my cache of pot, and my pack of cigarettes. (which I hadn't hidden very well from earlier that day) I gave in and gave it all up to him.
He was appalled, but as a whole more relaxed than I thought he would be. He was mostly worried about me getting arrested or caught, which really wouldn't happen. I only smoke occasionally and I do so in private, completely alone at night, when I have no responsibilities. My dealer and I are very cautious as well. I refused to give up any names, and told him I only did it alone. I don't think he believes the last part, but oh well.
But long story short, now my whole family knows and I have to take random drug tests. I also just left some cash in a dead drop to get more from my dealer, so I'm out about 60 bucks. Another added kick in the nuts is that I just got a text from a girl I've been dating on and off, and it was from her new boyfriend. :(
**TL:DR** Got in nasty fight with mom because of her stealing my meds, gave paranoid dad a reason to search my room. Found drugs and girlfriend left me on an unrelated note. It's gonna be a long summer with no smoke or poon.
Edit: Not too bad of an outcome really, but it is still kinda shitty nonetheless. Ruins my summer plans so far, and means my dad will be going full on NSA-grade paranoid.
sp00nzhx: Not that I don't feel for you, because I do (just... Not very much), but it seems like a bit of a major first world problem. ^^^^also ^^^^not ^^^^enough ^^^^pants ^^^^shitting
Aww, you don't get to smoke weed or sleep with a girl. Aww. You fucked up, yeah, I'll give you that, but it's so inconsequential to be almost laughable.
nippletonbonerfart: Yeah, its not a major big deal. I'm not heartbroken over any of it. Quitting smoking cigs is gonna be a bitch, but other than that it's all easy. It sucks cause my plans were to spend all summer smoking and tripping and fucking her, but oh well. Looks like I gotta find new ones. :P
The worst part is now my finally dad has his reason to be up my ass 24/7. He will be on me like stink on shit until the divorce goes through and I move in with my mom.
sp00nzhx: Haha, well, you responded well to a heckler. So you've got that going for you.
But I know how you feel, my dad's always on my ass (also, doesn't think my ADHD is real). You'll live.
nippletonbonerfart: My dad is the same way about ADD! He thinks I'm using my adderall for weight loss pills and he refuses to accept the fact that they help me, simply because my grades didn't drastically improve.
sp00nzhx: Yeah, I'm unmedicated (something I'm working on fixing), and it's really annoying because he's not only a medical professional, but thinks I'm probably going to sell any meds I do get.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1404102819 | 1404204232 | t3_29g4vk | t5_2to41 | 24 | WoodrowTruesmith: TIFU by paying for dinner with my girlfriend's family
My girlfriend (I'll call her M) and I met her dad and brother at Old Homestead Steakhouse in New York this afternoon. M's mom wasn't there because her parents are currently separated, but they might be getting back together.
The dad has been so generous at previous dinners, so I wanted to reciprocate. I made a point of paying the bill before dad had the chance. When the dad found out he got very angry, yelling that he always pays for his family, and that I can pay when I get my own family.
Then he pulled out a wad of cash, threw it on the table and stormed off. M just said to keep the money to make the dad happy. What concerns me here is that her dad has a violent temper, and there are times I wonder if he's mobbed up. How worried should I be?
BrownTigerz: Loll. Sounds like that scene from Sopranos. When Medows bf wanted to pay bill, but Tony snapped and threw money on table and told him to pay when he gets his family.
Tony didn't wak the kid, so u should b safe.
kangorr: This is exactly the scene from the sopranos. I smell shenanigans
[deleted]: get the broom!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXY6fQUDr3o
| 4 | 6 | |
1404102616 | 1404103719 | t3_29g4md | t5_2to41 | 4 | aliaschick559: TIFU by accidentally living out a Cameron Diaz movie
Last week, I had sex with a guy I met on OkCupid. It wasn't even good sex. He pressured me and pushed me to do it and I stupidly did it bareback. We've been texting the whole week. He kept saying things about his life and they didn't add up. Today, his texts suddenly stopped in the middle of a conversation, which was odd for him. A few hours later, I got a text from his girlfriend. Actually, not just one girlfriend, but two girlfriends: one he lived with and the other one pregnant with his child. As if that's not bad enough, the text went on to say that he had been actively sleeping with 10-12 other women and was infected with herpes. She called me later for a timeline of what happened. He had sex with the girlfriend first, she found out about the other girl friend while driving, kicked him out of the car, he looked me up, we met up, we had sex, he met up with someone else and had sex before going home to the other girlfriend who did not know about any of it. They found out about each other today, confronted him together today, he strangled and abused them today, he was put in jail today, they talked to me on the phone and pieced together everything today, and I feel like my life is a Cameron Diaz movie today.
TL;DR - No one wants to be Cameron Diaz in real life, even if the other girlfriends are sweet.
atvb: Just be sure to check if there's cum in your hair.
Davo93: This ^
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404089722 | 1404165107 | t3_29fnnh | t5_2to41 | 5 | buffalo_Fart: TIFU by locking myself out of my apt in only a bath towel
This happened years ago but hey. so there i am standing outside my apt in only a towel with my door locked behind me. mind you im outside as these apartments do not have a common hallway. i walk down the stairs and look to see my only option which is to climb the side of the building which faces the parking lot and other apts. actually i can climb the deck below mine and then mine to get in. so i start all goes well until i have to do a power move to get my leg up to my deck. i had to lift up my towel to get the leverage. yup you guessed it my ass crack and balls are now exposed to show the entire world. i finally flip over the side of my deck to the open sliding door. awesome
[deleted]: Why would you be outside your apartment in just a towel anyway?
buffalo_Fart: cant remember, might have been to put the garbage in the can by the side of the door. I do remember the door closed really fast.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404103648 | 1404224282 | t3_29g5u9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | averysadgirl: TIFU by contacting my "victim"
Back story: read my AMA about being a university stalker
I got a prepaid phone and called him and left several long voicemails addressing my hurts with him from the past and owning up to my wrongs.
He called back and he didn't know who it was, he kept on asking if I got the right person. I told I know who I'm talking to and that by listening to the voicemail it should be obvious who it was.
Never heard back.
Called again. Left another voicemail, not giving my name.
Left a few text messages this morning. Nothing.
I thought with it being 5 years and all, that we can bury the hatchet and move on with our lives. I just wanted closure.
I'm not going to contact him again.
I have to have closure with the fact with not getting closure.
I talked to my friend about it and no one could have said it better. Even though it was just through the school, he did get a restraining order from you, he doesn't want to hear from you.
Done and done.
I feel very fucking awkward and guilty when I hear about those crazy celebrity stalkers having the strange relatablility to "those people" and I actually get it. Alec Baldwin, most notably, yes, yes I was that fucking delusional and stupid trying to hold on to something that wasn't there. I get it and I'm sorry. But don't forget you hurt me too.
Pursing you is a unicorn, my chances do not exist.
I get it. I really do. The phone is good for a month. Again I'm not going to contact him again.
When I look at the shitty pay as you go flip phone on the carpeted floor connected to a flimsy wire charger just looking at it lying there reminds me of a dead kitten. What was so beautiful and wonderful only for a brief period of time is now cold and dead and never be brought back to life.
Yes he is it's life blood but this Jesus isn't going to resurrect this one. I'm going to have to bury this kitten in the back yard along with my memories of my once forgotten innocence ( complicated rape story again read my AMA)
So now I'm depressed as hell and really want to kill myself. I honestly don't see the point anymore. What do I have left to hang on for.
Yes I know he's not going to reach back. It's just the disappointment and the stupidity that I had about jeopardizing myself again and I could potentially get myself in trouble.
I'm 27 and I have nothing left to live for. Collecting degrees and letters next to my name because there is a value in that, esteemed social value.
But I'll never have my original value back, I'm worthless. Just look at how he got rid of me years ago, that's proof enough.
Now I have made peace with what I did, I tried to make closure. I'm no longer tormented by these lingering thoughts plaguing me, what if?
He doesn't want me, my Mormon crush doesn't like me (I've been around my victim long enough to know better, he's going out of his way to avoid me, so I left that ward, looking for other prospects, I do want a large family) so that's what I do now, I join groups and just fucking leave.
I can't tell you how many friends I've gone through. But boy that guy the "victim" hurts the most. Since him, I've developed this apathy where I'm emotionally divorced from everybody. There's a mental block that prevents me from bonding with anybody, except cats (and other animals)
I can still bond with animals, so I have that going on for me which is nice....
;(
rxcowboy: So you stalked a guy then contacted him wanting closure?
Read that, keep reading it until you get how fucked up it is.
Then consider going on mess, going back into therapy, or go living in a cabin in the woods because to be blunt in your current mental state interacting with others might do more harm than good.
averysadgirl: 5 years after the fact. He did shady shit too that I wanted to call him out on.
Going on mess? Therapy doesn't work for me. I make more money working, in grad school now~
rxcowboy: What shady shit did he do?
averysadgirl: Read my university AMA, it was a lot.
rxcowboy: I'm not reading through 700 comments, can I have a tldr version please?
averysadgirl: He encourage me to send him emails because he feigned concern for my depression and he knew I liked him. So by telling me to always keep him updated by email (even after I called him out about not replying back) he was really gathering evidence against me to take to the school the whole time by pretending to be my friend. Then he used my rape against me to paint me as crazy when he had other evidence that was enough to fulfill his goal mentioning the rape was both inappropriate and disrespectful to me he ( and an extremely private matter that I shared in confidence with him ) would've got what he wanted and not need to mention the rape that's what piss me off.
TL;DR wanted me to send him emails and took advantage of my depression and my feelings for him to do so. He lied and said it's because he cared about my feelings but in reality he was strategically planning to turn me in the entire time.
Also he broadcasted my rape to everybody he talked to, which was a very private and personal thing for me that I wanted to keep that secret and very private and he did not respect that
rxcowboy: Has it ever occurred to you that he was gathering evidence with the intent of turning you in because you freaked him the fuck out by stalking him?
You don't have the moral high ground here. His mistakes pale in comparison to you stalking him. Then I look at your post history and see multiple failed relationship posts including one where you were going to become Mormon for a guy. Top this with comments that just have zero grounding in reality like "99.99 percent of women don't perform oral sex" and I think you know your grasp on the reality of a given situation is tenuous.
You're clearly very intelligent and should just ask yourself: Do I like the way I'm living, and where it will take me in the next year? If the answer is no, it's up to you to find a solution. If you're a student you can get medical assistance to pay for meds or better therapy. If you want I can do some digging to find out more about what'd available where you live.
averysadgirl: It looks like we agree to disagree.
I understood why he did it but pretending to be a friend and pretending to care to execute this is very vicious and taking advantage of me at my emotional state also very vicious.
Frankly I don't see how my actions are much more worse than what he did we both did bad.
| 9 | 0.666667 | |
1404104013 | 1404104469 | t3_29g6a3 | t5_2to41 | 16 | dougthethug95: TIFU By Accidentally "Liking" A Photo On Facebook
Before you jump to any conclusions, No this is not one of those stories where I "liked" a several year old photo of my crush
Let me preface with a little backstory: When I was 4 my parents got divorced and I moved from Washington state to Georgia with my mom. From then on, it was always a struggle keeping in contact with my father, but we made it work and I would usually visit him a few months out of the year. Anyways when I was about 12, all contact ceased. My dad never attempted to call me and we never scheduled a time for us to meet that year. I have not heard from him since.
Now let's fast forward to tonight: I was lying in my bed, unable to sleep, and just contemplating life when the thoughts of my dad and his family (step-mom and three half sisters) popped into my head. So out of curiosity I decided to look them up on Facebook on my phone and found the profile of my step mom. I then proceeded to thoroughly search through the page and just try to fill in the gaps of everything that Ive missed out on. Then came the fuck up. While scrolling through a photo album, my finger slipped and I mistakenly liked a their most previous Christmas card pictures.
I know some people may not see this as a fuck up, but in a way it is. Athough I was curious about what's going on in their life, I really have no intentions of wanting them back in mine. I fear that they may see this as an open invitation to try communicating with me and I feel it would be very awkward and rude to basically tell them that I want nothing to do with them.
So there's my fuck up. Maybe not as bad as some others, but definiely a fuck up in its own way.
MrsSquishy: You can always unlike it and pretend like it didn't happen. They may not have noticed it.
dougthethug95: I did do that, but I'm almost positive that it will still show up as a notification
MrsSquishy: That's possible but they might just see that they got a notification but not be able to see why. Either way you can chose to not have any contact even if they contact you.
| 4 | 4 | |
1404104221 | 1404140655 | t3_29g6jn | t5_2to41 | 115 | mythrowawayident: TIFU by reviewing childhood camera memory cards with my parents
My brother is getting married later this year. My parents needed some help providing the bride's sister with photos of his childhood, as well as any photos of the bride with our family.
While systematically looking through all the memory sticks, my mother, father and sister gathered around our laptop at the kitchen table. These memory cards spanned 10 years of vacation and family photos. On an old memory stick - 128 Mb - we flipped through all the photos as usual, leaning in to get a good look to see if my brother was in any of them.
Suddenly, a fully erect penis spanned the vertical length of my screen. By reflex built from years of experience with porn - filled with an immediate heart-stopping dread but not really comprehending what I had seen - I immediately tried to advance the photo to cover up the last image. Cue a photo of said penis buried in a vagina. My mind shut down and I went into panic mode as I tried to find the "close window" button. It was moved off-screen, meaning we had 5-10 seconds of uninterrupted penis spelunking adventures time, as I frantically dragged and clicked to close the window. Mom made some sounds of disgust and embarrassment. My sister, dad and I sat staring at the blank screen, not saying anything. After a moment of the most awkward silence i've experienced with my parents, Dad quietly said that we could probably move on to the next memory card.
tl;dr - I now know - in vivid detail - what it looks like when my parents have sex.
sp00nzhx: Psst. Reddit doesn't do html. Might wanna look up some formatting tips.
mythrowawayident: Fixed it - Thanks.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: Oh man OP that is so gross. Do you know if they posted them online too? And on what website? There's so many!
GrapePlasma: Subtle
| 5 | 23 | |
1404101404 | 1404117219 | t3_29g359 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally running a red light
Sorry, it might be long, might not be. I'll see at the end.
My SO and I decided we wanted some snacks and something to drink. I suggest we go to a 99 Cent store, since it's close, and cheap. We go, get our snacks and drinks, pay, and are headed out the door. Suddenly, I feel an amazing feeling cone over me. The edible I had eaten about an hour ago had started to take effect. We get in the car, drive off, everything is fine. Now here's the fun part.
We're at an intersection, our light is red and I receive a message. I look down to see what it is. Now, by this time the turning light was green. I look up and see a green light, and like the idiot I am, I press on the gas. I'm at the center of the Intersection, my SO is yelling "babe! Babe! It's still red!!!" I look up, see the red light, look at my SO, look up and see a traffic camera, and I panic!! I step on the gas and take off! I start thinking "fuck! I'm going to get a ticket! They got my plates!!!But, I had just gotten the car, it has no plates. Did it see my face? Fuck! It saw my face! I'm screwed!!"
I'm screwed guys. Might get a ticket. Insurance will skyrocket. Parents will freak out.
TL;DR: Ate a special cookie, got stoned, ran a red light.
[deleted]: I ran a red light and clipped someone's back end. I totalled my car. Everyone was fine, but I am still terrified of lights.
Eerie_enigma: Man. I'm glad nothing like that happened to me.
Cradd710: Yeah you'd probably be in jail. Dumbass
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404105224 | 1404127980 | t3_29g7qk | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on reddit.
I decided to meander on over here and procrastinate a little bit because I would rather not write a research paper that is due in about 24 hours. Anyways, as many of you may know (and are subscribed to /r/WTF) they had a particularly volatile post (which I cannot link because I am on my iPad, nor can I even look up again) of a very unsanitary and disgusting urinal cake thing. Seeing as I have an ungodly phobia of holes/orderly round things (warning, but for those of you interested, trypophobia^SORRY ). I have not been able to stop thinking about the post, feeling like I need to burn my eyes out, feeling bugs crawling over my skin, and generally picturing and thinking about holes in everything.
I feel shaken and nauseous. I have to sleep so that I can wake up early and finish my paper, but the obsessive images that pop into my head every time I shut my eyes are revolting.
**Tl;Dr** Went on /r/WTF, can't sleep due to anxiety, have a tremendous amount of work to do, scarred for life.
NeedsMorePizza: Link for the lazy:
http://reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/29esk0/think_its_been_awhile_since_they_cleaned_out_this/
Keerikkadan91: For the love of..!
Not sure what I expected.
LONINFINITY: On a scale of 1 - 10, 1 being fluffy kittens and 10 being the semen poured down the decapitated neck of a child, how bad is it?
Keerikkadan91: ಠ_ಠ
5
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1404108753 | 1404110200 | t3_29gbhn | t5_2to41 | 10 | Dumb-boy: TIFU when I lied...
Long story short, I emotionally detached from my girlfriend last year for a month or so (we were together for a year before then) and during that time I started talking with a different girl who I had slight relations with in the past. We flirted and it made me feel better, but nothing serious ever came out of it.
Skip to today, when I finally confessed to my girlfriend that this had happened and she flipped. She has every reason to hate me and now I feel like throwing up while I'm upstairs on the couch and she's downstairs in her bedroom.
Sorry this isn't a great TIFU and technically I FU a year ago and it's just come to light now... Anyways, goodnight!
jcaits: 'Slight relations'? So just the tip?
Dumb-boy: The tip of the lip I suppose.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1404105349 | 1404133240 | t3_29g7vz | t5_2to41 | 4 | MCMXChris: TIFU by having coffee on a fishing trip and no toilet paper
I know that 8 out of 10 times, if I have coffee, I will have pretty violent bowel movements within an hour. We went to a pretty secluded reservoir and I grabbed an iced coffee beforehand. We left in a hurry to get there with some daylight left and forgot to bring TP. As soon as I get to the lake (about 1 block from our vehicle and the nearest port o potty) I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. I wog to the potty and (surprise, surprise) it hasn't been serviced in probably 6 months. It's nearly full of organic human matter and not a square of TP is available. I squat my way through it as long as I can with my skinny 23 year old legs and have a family member get me what little bit of napkins she can from the car. Afterward, we drove into town where the rest of us finished business in a tiny albeit fully functional restroom station.
ACURA_NSX: Is it because of the milk/cream in your coffee ?
MCMXChris: I don't know. I thought about that. Might need to try almond milk or something
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404109507 | 1404115006 | t3_29gc8j | t5_2to41 | 11 | The_Dong_Tickler: TIFU by forgetting sunscreen
My friend today invited me to the beach. I forgot sunscreen and not wanting to ask for any of his because he's not so rich and all he had was a little travel size bottle I went on without it. I normally don't burn very easily, but this day Helios was mad and took out all his sunny rage out on me. I'm now as red as tomato unable to lie down without stinging my back and I seriously don't think I can go into work tomorrow because the burns on my feet make it difficult to wear shoes. I fucked myself with the sun.
Release_the_KRAKEN: Only rich people can afford sunscreen? TIL...
The_Dong_Tickler: He just doesn't have a lot and I didn't want take what he has. That and I feel uncomfortable with asking for others belongings.
EffYouSweetheart: Completely reasonable; just use a different phrasing next time. :)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1404109086 | 1404124605 | t3_29gbt4 | t5_2to41 | 27 | ___throwaway3: TIFU by taking LSD and trying to see OutKast
So I started the day out sore and hungover and sick. I didn't want to do anything but lay in my bed all day. I had to volunteer at a fest and OutKast was playing tonight. So my friend said he was going, came over, gave him some mdma, and i packed up with the plan to see OutKast. I consider myself pretty experienced with drugs and I have taken this particular acid twice before. Both times, great trips. So I thought I'd be fine with the same dose. 3 tabs of 200ug each = 600ug LSD
I went to a friends apartment and smoked weed and waited. Then I went to another friends apartment and smoked weed and waited. Then another. At some point, between the beer and weed, I decided that I'd be seeing outkast in a few hours so it'd be fine to drop acid now.
EDIT: I just remembered. I had the acid in my pocket and it fell out at one of these apartments. Then this guy was like "you were sitting THERE" picked up the couch, and there was my acid. So I had to take it right then.
I was coming up and drunk and having a good time at these apartments, but anxious to actually go to the show. Then I had to be babysat. My friend helped me walk, talk, and probably thought "ok, there is no way I can get this guy through security and to the show".
So thats where my memory stops.
Next thing I know my friend is dropping me off at my house from his car, telling me its "all good man all good". I stumble to my apartment, memory comes back... this is some strong acid man.... I text my friend and thank him and tell him to have fun at the show, and apologize profusely for everything and the inconvenience I was to my friend and his friends.
I fucked up.
I think he went back to the show. I hope he did. Ill call him tomorrow to get the full story. This friend.... is..... AWESOME. I couldn't have handled the situation better myself, and he really saved the day and me. I respect and love this man very much.
So here I am at 1am on reddit when I could have seen outkast.
Today I fucked up.
cosmonaut_j: Good friend you got there
___throwaway3: definitely. he stayed at my apt the day before and hung out with me. I had to leave early for errands and I came back later that day and my dishes were cleaned and he had taken a shower and cleaned up well after himself. Great dude
CUNTASAURUS_REX: Wow..I had a roommate for 3 months who didn't do the dishes once and was kicked out for similar reasons
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1404111435 | 1404224256 | t3_29ge09 | t5_2to41 | 674 | DigDugHero: TIFU while proposing
So last night I fucked up by proposing to my wonderful girlfriend
The night had started out really well, we went to go to dinner. Then I sprung the idea of us going night fishing, as we do this from time to time. I had it all set up, we got to our normal spot and we carried everything out there and then I asked her to grab my Leatherman out of my car. While she was trying to find it I tied the ring on the end of her pole and lightly cast it out. When she came back, I had her reel it in, because I had forgot to put weights on the line. She reeled it in and there was no ring. My heart sunk to my stomach and she jokingly commented on how there was no hook on it either. I immediately jumped up and ran for the water and after 2 and 1/2 hours of blindly searching I found the ring.
motivates_you: Clearly, you ARE a DigDugHero!!! Good on you for so many things!!! You found a woman that you love! You made the decision to love her for the rest of your life! That's amazing. And then?! Then you worked up the guts to propose in a most excellent way!!!
So, you're awesome, that's been established. Let's hear about her reaction!
DigDugHero: After we scrambled around for a bit, sat down and laughed about it. She said yes! She also caught the biggest fish of the night as well.
motivates_you: "If you want to catch an uncatchable fish, offer it a wedding ring."
Congratulations my friend! You're going to be an amazing husband. Stay gold.
Huginkyss: What a beautiful quote from a beautiful movie!
motivates_you: I love that movie. It's in my top 5. When the son tells his dads life story at the end and he carries him...maaaaaaaan, I sob like a newborn.
Huginkyss: Me too. A great friend and mentor passed away a couple of years ago. It was August in South Texas and after her funeral people stood around and told stories about her and talked about her and celebrated her life. That ending makes me cry every time.
motivates_you: I'm with ya, heart and soul.
South Texas huh? Next time you're near an HEB, whaddya say you post of pic of some fresh HEB tortillas?
Stay so freakin' gold it hurts!
StunninglySarcastic: I love HEB's fresh tortillas. Just had some last night. Glad you found the ring OP and congratulations!
| 9 | 74.888889 | |
1404111788 | 1404162020 | t3_29gec4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying taking a liquid Benadryl pill with ice water
First post, be nice. (I wonder why people say this...)
TL;DR - Biting liquid benadryl pills is a bad idea...
So just 15 minutes ago, my allergies started acting up. So I took a liquid benadryl pill. I had some ice water left out and thought "hey. I should take this pill with this ice water, it'll be fine right?"
OH. SO WRONG.
I swallowed the pill, then proceeded to chomp down hard on the ice. NOPE. I apparently swallowed the ice and bit the pill. If you thought the benadryl syrup tastes bad, you should think again. This was the most bitter, sour, lingering terrible taste you've never tasted. I've tried orange juice, sprite, warm water, cold water. Hell, I gargled the sprite hoping it would help (it only burned.) So now I'm stuck with this shit taste in my cheek and throat that nothing will fix.
EDIT: formatting
WolfyCat: I once bit into an Omega 3 fish oil pill. Never again.
[deleted]: This made me gag.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1404112888 | 1404144777 | t3_29gfd3 | t5_2to41 | 43 | JasonMcTater: TIFU by having my first threesome NSFW
So my buddy and I were out the other night when this girl, Melissa, that I'm casually dating texted me "Hey, me and Jess are having a couple of beers at her parents house if you're in town."
Girls? Drinking? We're in.
So we head over and the girls are already pretty loosened up. We sit down and Melissa sits on my lap and is rubbing my crotch under the table. Jess hadn't seen my friend in awhile and continued to compliment him on how attractive he became. I knew it would be a good night for the both of us.
We started off with some old school Truth or Dare (girls of any age love this as it gets them a chance to be slutty). We got the girls to make out, suck each other's nipples, etc. I made out with both Melissa and Jess, felt both their boobs, rubbed both of their vaginas. The night was going great.
About 10 beers in and I was feeling pretty drunk. Melissa and I kept tucking away to make-out and she blew me until I came. I was good for the night at this point and ready to head to bed. I asked where I could sleep and Jess said her brother's room, he left for the night hours ago. Sounds good to me, I left my friend with the girls at this point, feeling no attachment to either of them suddenly.
I head up to Jess' brothers room and walk in and here a faint "umm, who's there?"
Jess' brother Tyler apparently didn't leave for the night, or came home without anyone noticing. I told him who I was and he asked me to turn on the light. Since it was his house I did.
"Wow, you look different. Got a lot stronger looking since High School. Been working out?" Tyler "Thanks man" I said. I had been working out and he was actually the first person to really take notice.
I explained to him that I was going to crash in his room but since he was there I would just go rejoin my friends.
"You don't have to leave.. if you don't want to." Tyler then moved over in his bed to make room for me.
Maybe it was the beer, or just curiosity but I decided to join Tyler in bed. At first we just laid there, then Tyler asked if he got rub my new muscles which I allowed. It felt really good having someone massage me, I was ready to fall asleep when my friend poked his head into the room "Hey, the girls are passed out. I'm gonna head out."
Now, the last thing I was going to do was let me friend drink and drive. I guess Tyler had the same idea. "Youre not going anywhere until you sleep it off. Come relax with us." My friend look hesistant at first but joined us at the end of the bed. Tyler continued to massage my back. His hands felt great. Shockingly, my friend of 20 years said something I never thought I'd hear him say. "Melissa said you have a really big dick." I was very flattered at this point. After some convincing from both of them I decided to show them.
The massage must of gotten me really excited because I was fully erect when I pulled it out. Tyler looked at it then back at me. "Can I suck it?" he said. I allowed him and he immediately took all of me in his mouth. My friend came up to me and we started making out and I encouraged him to help Tyler suck me off.
Have you ever had two people give you head at the same time? Nothing is better. My friend on my balls, Tyler sucking me deep. Sometimes they would stop for a moment and make out themselves.
Tyler then asked me if I wanted to be inside him and said he had lube that would help me fit. Never being in an anus before I was a bit scared. He pulled down his pants and wow, he must be able to Squat over 300 pounds because his butt was flawless. I put it in him and it took me a moment to adjust to how tight he was. My friend began to suck on my balls and lick my anus. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and ejaculate on Tyler's butt and my friend immediately licked it off. It was so hot, like out of a porno. We all feel asleep with one another and my friend and I headed out early in the morning while the girls were still sleeping. I never would of expected this.
DrawsForDrugs: Not even gay or bi, but I congratulate you OP. I don't see the TIFU though, sounds like you had a pretty decent time.
JasonMcTater: I FU'd because I don't know how I feel about it all.
magicfinbow: Sexual experiences are just that, experiences. Having an all male 3some doesn't make you gay, it shows you have a healthy sexual personality. Be proud of it.
zigzaggeezus: Taking the exit down the hershey highway straight to pound town makes you a little gay....not to mention there was drunk horny loose girls ready for some D but he chose to get her brother. I think magicfinbow has some skeletons hes trying to keep covered....
magicfinbow: Nope, talking about things like "eugh, dude that's gay!" just advertises your own latent sexuality. Pleasure is what pleasure does.
devals: His language was a bit "colorful", but he didn't say it was "eugh", he's just saying OP might want to be open to a new perspective regarding his sexuality, and he makes some pretty cogent points for it.
| 7 | 6.142857 | |
1404111611 | 1404283200 | t3_29ge6k | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by snap chatting my girlfriend...
Unlike some posts, this actually happened today... an hour ago. Still not sure what I hope to accomplish by posting this, maybe some advice to defuse the situation? I guess I'll get into the story now!
So it started with my girlfriend sending a picture of her saying she just got out of the shower. The horny guy that I am, I decided I wanted to try something new, so I asked her to send some nudes (probably not smart to be doing in the first place, but I guess hindsight is 20/20). After a few back and forth pictures, she sends a picture of her face and says something along the lines of "I'm touching myself right now ;)" and obviously I wanted to see... here's where the fuck up begins... I send a picture of myself, thankfully not a dick pic, without a shirt and only barely covering myself with the caption "Let me see ;)"
Well... as you can probably assume, I didn't send it to her... I sent it to a good friend of mine (female). And I freaked out when I realized so I sent a quick picture back to her saying it was meant for one of my guy friends... I have no idea why I thought that was the right choice, but again, I'm obviously not the sharpest tool... So now I'm pretty sure she thinks that my friend and I are secretly gay for one another... and still no response from her.
VictoryDolphin: TBF, is the sort of shit my friends would do because it's funny as fuck. In all honesty if you're secure in your sexuality, silly jokes like that to mates is just funny.
Stupidmudokons: I feel like we'd get along...
VictoryDolphin: nah, you have a girlfriend and I don't remember the last time I got a hug. Fuck you. haha.
Yeah probably, though. Then again, getting along on the internet is often much simpler.
orrrrrr....the other person is a douche. Like 90% of the internet.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1404115541 | 1404121808 | t3_29ghjf | t5_2to41 | 17 | JezaLinko: TIFU By getting high on my roof
This actually happened many fucked up todays ago, I was up all night smoking and it was sunrise about 6am so I had the brilliant idea of climbing on the roof with my bong and mix bowl to have a few, also I thought bringing my slingshot along would also be a bright thing to do, Anyway I get up their and sit on my air con system (those big box things on commercial roofs also on some domestic buildings) and start having a few cones, after a about 3 I start shooting rocks across the road onto peoples houses ( My house was on a hill so up their you can see for like 500 metres across peoples yards) and I also had a large supply of rocks up their already on the air con thing from when me and my mates would have rooftop rock fights, next thing I know I hear my neighbours door slam shut and look over to my surprise to see my neighbour staring up at me looking confused but not amused at all and he could see the bong I was trying to hide next to me but it was to late for him not to of noticed what his retarded neighbour kid was upto on this sunny October morning (Lucky he's this shady asian dude who I'm pretty sure sells shard so he didn't really seem too fazed) so I smile but yeah it was awkward as fuck because he just looked at me like I was mentally ill, Fuck it he drives off to work or to sell ice to some cunt idk so I continue smoking and slanging rocks, So I'm lining up this 4WD about 150 metres away on a different street when next thing I know I get hit right in the fucking eye with a rock, No idea what the fuck has just happened but in incredible pain ( guess when I shot the rock it hit the metal slingshot frame and unfortunately ricocheted right back into my face) I'm holding my face crying and trying to open my eyes but could not open either eye, By now I'm convinced that I'm blind in one eye and just moping to myself extremely regretful asking myself aloud why the fuck am I even up here doing this shit? now I'm blind in one eye because I thought I'd be a good idea to sit on my roof at bush hour of the morning getting blazed and fucking shooting rocks at my neighbours house how fucking more stupid could I get? Luckily not much more stupid so after literally half an hour I can see out my un rocked eye and am still crying because yeah thought my eye was fucked completely and am too depressed to climb down and go to bed or school or some shit, After I force my eyelid open I can see out my fucked up eye and feel a lot better YEAH! I'm not blind it one eye but fuck me it hurts so fucking much, I'm no longer crying but my eyes are watery and the left side of my face it aching in a really awkward way ( felt like my eye got pushed in really hard that kind of feeling) So I climb down have a few pipes inside and can't remember how I spent the remainder of my already eventful day.
I know it's not a very interesting story but I was too shamed (and fearful of being labeled a spastic by my mates) to tell anyone IRL. It would of been a lot cooler if I fell off the roof or knocked my bong off I know but sadly I didn't.
vtable: I hope this isn't followed up in a week by a "TIFU by not seeing a doctor after I shot a rock into my eye".
(Seriously)
BTW: You talk about your house so I picture a sloped rough. I was waiting for your story to say "and then I fell backwards off the roof". Is a flat roof like in an apartment building?
JezaLinko: Na I'm all good now thanks man for your concern, my eye is fine as far as I know and yeah I have a sloped roof, also if my air con unit I was sitting on wasn't about 1metre x 1metre wide I would of fell backwards off the roof because when it hit my eye I fell back onto a pile of rocks which was quite painful hahaha I should of mentioned that earlier.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404115942 | 1404243208 | t3_29ghtw | t5_2to41 | 29 | my_nipples_is_hard: Tifu by giving my girlfriend a pet name.
So me and my girlfriend have been getting more serious lately and so it's time to bust out the pet names. Well, she goes all generic on me and calls me babe. No big deal but apparently she's called it and I can't use it. So in an effort to come up one for her I send her a couple. They're along the lines of "My love" or "Beautiful" yknow generic guy stuff. Well I throw in a funny one to catch her off-guard, well. Long story short I have to call her Inspector Gadget now.
Tldr:Thought I could be cute and give my girlfriend a pet name, end up having to call her Inspector Gadget.
buddha_knows_best: Go...Go...Gadget...Sandwich!
my_nipples_is_hard: I hope you know I'm using this now.
buddha_knows_best: I can sleep well tonight... having made your life a little better :) :)
my_nipples_is_hard: I can sleep better too with a sandwich in my stomach.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1404117293 | 1404130538 | t3_29giud | t5_2to41 | 23 | DROPlikeaTROLL: TIFU by going through my mothers computer [NSFW, NSFL]
So i'm in college and i was doing a project at school and didn't quite finish, so i came home to wrap things up. I didn't have a computer to do my project on, so i used my mothers computer.
In my class my instructor is particular about where we save stuff, and the program is also odd. If we don't save stuff in the same place in class and at home, we have lots of bugs with the software and saving and whatnot. So i'm looking for the folder i used at school on my mothers computer, that was my first mistake. The folder i found was the right one, but i was not prepared for what i would find in there.
The biggest porn folder I've ever seen was there. Now, watching porn myself I wouldn't give a shit, she can watch whatever the hell she's into. However... This was no ordinary porn, it was porn of **her**. Now I've always known she was into some weird shit, bdsm and the like, she even has a chest in the basement that would take your innocence if you had any left by my age. Let me tell you: watching porn, and seeing porn even for a second of your parent is totally different. The most messed up porn you could think of doesn't even come close to seeing what i saw, needless to say i closed the folder promptly and shut the computer down. I have not touched her computer since.
TL;DR I got scarred for life and didn't even finish my project cause i procrastinated.
Eclipto14: Yeah, but is she a MILF?
DROPlikeaTROLL: Unfortunately far from it... And it wouldn't matter anyway since it was my mother
42rw3: Just be a man an upload it. You know, for a science project...
SpikeWolfwood: Science projects sure have changed since I was a kid.
SimplyGrim: Can never keep up with kids these days all their YOLO and STD's....but yeah upload or it didn't happen...I belive that is how the intermet works.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1404117996 | 1404147099 | t3_29gjde | t5_2to41 | 230 | [deleted]: TIFU by hooking up with a married man.
2 days ago, I had plans to hook up with a guy on grindr. We're both in our late 20s and everything seemed fine, no red flags at all. I'm still pretty closeted (which is why this is a throwaway).
Anyhow, we meet up and we go to his place. As soon as I enter, I see family pictures and toys scattered on the floor. He admits he's married and is planning on telling his wife he's gay so they can get a divorce. He assures me his wife and kid are out and won't be back until later, I was a little uneasy about it but decided to stay.
We get at it pretty fast. He takes me to his bedroom and we spend around an hour there. I was too busy fucking him and it was too loud and I was about to finish when the door swings right open. His wife and his *kid* are standing at the door frame. I can't even yell shit properly cause I'm midway through an orgasm and the guy's just lying there moaning with his damn eyes closed. His wife screams like a freaking banshee and all that comes out of her mouth is "FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU TOM FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK" and he practically falls off the bed, my clothes are in the living room and I run to get them. They're yelling at each other, the kid is standing there (probably scarred for life) and I'm still putting my clothes on. I take my shit and I get to the door. His wife sees me and THROWS A FUCKING ORANGE AT MY HEAD. I run straight out.
And now I have a bruise on my forehead, from a god damn orange.
Update: just to let you guys know, it was not my intention to emotionally scar a little kid. Yes, I should not have went through with it, but he was so sure they weren't going to come back and after talking on grindr for a while, I thought he was a pretty cool guy so I stayed. He did contact me after, apologizing. He is getting a divorce and he says everything is settled. He also asked me out. But I haven't replied to that as of yet. Also, the bruise hurts like a mother fucker.
Admiringcone: Tbh thats a pretty dog move
CockroachClitoris: I know who would throw an orange at someones head
HopelessSemantic: To be fair, he fucked her husband. I still don't think assault (even by fruit) is okay, but it's not like he was completely innocent.
| 4 | 57.5 | |
1404119569 | 1404130338 | t3_29gklx | t5_2to41 | 9 | 6romperstomper9: TIFU because I was drunk and stopped the cab driver so I could get a prostitute.
I'd had a long hard week at work. Everything went wrong, everybody was giving me the shits.
My wife was in a mood all week too. Nagging the shit out of me, "Take the garbage out" over and over she would nag.
"You fucking take it out, you cooked it" I dreamt of replying.
Anyway, I decided to hit the town with a few colleauges after work on Friday night. We hit a nice little bar and had a quick half a dozen beers, there was six of us and each round came with a tequila slammer.
Sure enough, boys being boys - we decided to go to the strip show.
Another six rounds of beer and slammers and I was ready to leave.
Just as I jump into a taxi to head for home. My wife rings. Nag,nag,nag!
Feeling a bit drunk and a hella of a lot horny, I ask the driver to stop so I can speak to one of many prostitutes walking the streets.
I see a tall, slim, nicely breasted brunette wearing about 6" stilettos and not much clothing at all. Oh she was Thai too, mmmm always wanted to do one them.
"Jump in girl" I said opening the door for her, whilst slipping the cabbie a twenty.
"And here's twenty for you, don't talk. Don't even say a word. I've fucking had it up to hear with women. Here's fifty, I need a blowjob".
Oh my. Fucking BAM! Best blowjob I've ever experienced. OOOhweeee I thought to myself.
As she was getting out of the cab, I stopped her and gave her an extra twenty dollars "Best ever blowjob love, you really know how to suck a dick!"
"I ought to, I used to have one" came a reply in a deep husky man voice.
Seldarin: Well, if you tell your wife "Guess what? Tonight I paid a man seventy bucks to blow me." I can virtually guarantee you'll never have to hear her "nag" you again.
"You fucking take it out, you cooked it", on the other hand, is a quick ticket to waking up at three in the morning wearing a boiling oatmeal facial.
6romperstomper9: Hahaha "oatmeal facial". She used to blow a lot, and was a master at it.
She could suck a golfball through a garden hose, we got married and the next heady I ever got was from the Thai-man-thing!
| 3 | 3 | |
1404123157 | 1404153863 | t3_29gngo | t5_2to41 | 483 | [deleted]: TIFU by going into anal overtime during threesome; things get messy.
I originally wrote this as a response to an AskReddit thread, but thought the TIFU crowd might appreciate it too.
---
A friend (we'll call him Rick) and I were trolling a trashy dive bar in Portland, looking for some casual tail. We'd been running as a double-team for a couple weeks, so our success rate wasn't great--not terrible, you might be surprised to learn, but not great--and it was getting late.
Cue the short, petite Portland girl with the flat wide hips and labret piercing and a faded Ramones t-shirt. Rick chats her up first, then I saddle up on the other side and introduce myself. She's clearly not that interested in me, but having a great time talking to *him,* and as last call approaches it's obvious she wants him to take her home.
That isn't how we're playing it, though. We are a package deal. I kinda nonchalantly brush my nose while indicating to Rick--making sure she sees it--and Rick in turn asks if she wants to join us in the bathroom for some yayo. She does, of course, because that's what we trashy people in trashy bars doing trashy things do.
Into the bathroom, we cram ourselves into a stall, and I take out the bindle. A few keys while talking and the conversation turns a little less than family-friendly; Rick eludes to the fact that he's only one part of a two man operation, and cute labret pierced Portland girl takes it in stride. They make out for a while, then I make out with her for a while, then we all consummately agree we should take the proceedings to a nearby motel.
Cut to: INTERIOR; NEARBY MOTEL
We're lit only by the television that is playing music videos--reference for those of you too young to know, this happened a *long* time ago--and cocaine is being consumed off of every body part from which you can consume it. She's got nipple piercings and shitty tattoos and a swarthy patch of black fur crowning her goodies, and before long Rick is fucking her like fucking is going out of style. She's all kinds of noisy so I bring up the front end to quiet her down. Rick gives me a satisfied smile, and for the next hour or so we double down on her until our world is nothing but panting and sweat and the bitter aftertaste of Columbian imports.
But, remember, this is late at night, after a lot of drinking, and a lot of cocaine. Orgasms are for the weak. Rick eventually gives up, rolls over, calls it a night. She's on her stomach, pillow under her hips, and I'm up to the hilt in her ass. I want to come, badly. I probably wont. What's worse is *she* wants to come, badly, as well, and she's not being discreet about it.
BREAKING NEWS, the announcer on the television says, JOHNNY CASH IS DEAD.
Well that's a boner killer if I ever heard one. Rick kinda murmurs but is too fucked up to do anything about it; Portland girl and I stop what we're doing, huddle up on the edge of the bed, and watch the report. There is much sadness. She cries. They play the music video for his cover of *Hurt*, and there are more tears. She wants some more coke to help her feel better; I want some more coke too.
We finish what's left in my bindle, then she starts kissing me with this somber, tear-streaked urgency. Kissing turns to groping turns to back at it on the bed, only now things are different: it's not so frenetic, not so desperate. She rolls back onto her stomach, I thrust myself back into her ass, and before long we're hitting full speed. One of her hands finds it's way between her legs, hits her feminine cheat code, and she's off like a rocket--it's all I can do to keep up.
Harder, Faster, Better, Stronger, it's like I'm fracking for fortune and she's going berserk. Finally, when she comes, her entire body tenses like a coiled snake and she nearly rips my cock clean off; I come myself, and make all kinds of the unflattering sounds guys make.
Fun Fact: when you're drunk, and have been taking it in the ass, hard, for nearly two hours, things can *go wrong* down there. And just like drilling for oil, when you hit paydirt, things can get messy.
My withdrawl was chased immediately by an explosion of *other* unfortunate products. And lacking any sort of muscular control, she couldn't stop it. It shot out like a blowoff at the Hersey's plant, booze and come and whatever dinner she'd had the night before, onto me, the back of her legs, and everything in between.
I helped her to the bathroom and waited patiently--covered in her mess--while she showered, before getting one of my own. We rolled up the blankets and she made all kinds of apologies, but there was a bit of maniacal humor in her words and it was hard for me to keep a straight face too.
Anyways. The three of us had Bloody Marys and biscuits together in the morning, and I never saw her again.
TL;DR - Get rad three way, God punishes me by killing Johnny Cash and covering me with shit.
*Edit - minor spelling edits, TL;DR*
*Second Edit - I just got reposted on [BroBible](http://www.brobible.com/life/article/great-story-threesomes-poo-cocaine/). Thanks for the kind words and support, folks. It's inspiring to would-be, wanna be writers.*
18nLegal: Upsides:
--> Had fun
--> Had sex
--> Had anal with a strange girl
--> Had coke
--> Had alcohol
Downsides:
--> Sloppy tattoos
--> Shat all over ur legs
4 is more than 2 (no shit sherlock) = worth
qervem: Another downside: had sex while Johnny Cash was dead
[deleted]: All the sex you have these days is while Johnny Cash is dead.
EDIT Also, really, is that a downside? Man's gonna be dead whatever you're doing. Might as well be fucking.
HopelessSemantic: True. It's only a downside if he died while you were fucking, and you could have stopped it somehow.
firstnameavailable: alternately if he died while you were fucking and like collapsed on top of you.
HopelessSemantic: In this scenario, is OP fucking Johnny Cash, or is he just like, standing around watching?
firstnameavailable: good question, i'm glad you asked! i think it must be the former, else i think it would fit into your scenario of OP being able to stop it somehow were he not so busy fucking.
| 8 | 60.375 | |
1404125531 | 1404127458 | t3_29gpao | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By lighting a sparkler bomb in my kitchen.
Where to begin? Well today was a bit of an eventful day, my brother is on leave from the military to start with. Me and my roommates all basically grew up together, went to school together, etc. We bought beer for the occasion, drinking for several hours. The night prior we had bought some sparklers to make sparkler bombs, (bit of a 4th of July ritual for us). Despite all the inherent dangers that are provided with the construction and detonation of sparkler bombs i had become a bit too relaxed with the potential dangers of them, having set them off for years and years prior. We lit a few smaller ones earlier in the evening which went as planned. I made a rather large one, an entire case of 12 boxes and 6 per box. And had planned to set it off the next day. As the night progressed and my drinking intensified i decided we should light it off now. I knew of a field nearby that i though would be a good spot to light it off. My friends didn't agree to the idea, erring on the side of caution as we live relatively close to a police station and in a somewhat densely populated city. I agreed, but being a drunk idiot, remembering earlier in the day just how long it took the fuses to take the light, i somehow thought it would be funny to hold a lighter to the fuse sparkler. Thinking it won't light and even if it does, all I'll have to do it put my fingers over it for a moment, snuffing out the oxygen and extinguishing it. I was wrong. It lit, and it did not go out. My friends were saying “dude don't do that”, “that's not even funny, quit”, they were right. After realizing it wasn't going to go out i grabbed it and headed for the back door, (we were in the kitchen). I ran as fast i can remember my self running in recent history. I knew there was a dumpster outside and I figured that would be the ideal place to put it. I ran and dropped it in the dumpster, it didn't detonate, for the life of me i have no idea why. I walk back in, more embarrassed than I believe I've ever been. Feeling like the biggest dumbass ever for endangering my friends and being a dumbass in general... For reference I am always try to be a conscientious person, and wouldn't ever do something to this nature in my right mind. I profusely apologized to my friends and they said it was ok. But I know it's hard to really look at someone the same after a moment of sheer stupidity. I burned my hand a little, figure i should show you all. http://imgur.com/VQZC3K7 I feel terrible. I feel stupid.
6romperstomper9: If you were in the kitchen, you should have just dropped it in the sink and turned the tap on. So yeah - you have every right to feel like a dumbass.
doamath: Absolutely, the mind has a funny way of not thinking too competently when under the influence of alcohol.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404127419 | 1404146786 | t3_29gqvv | t5_2to41 | 107 | Vincentvonthrowaway: TIFU by telling a woman her shorts were unzipped in back.
This actually happened 25 years ago. I was eating at McDonalds in Green Hills, a small wealthy community in Nashville TN. It was lunchtime and there were lines at every register. A woman was standing waiting to order wearing shorts that zipped up the back. They were not zipped at all and she was showing her granny panties. She wasn't old, maybe mid thirties, but she was not thin and she did not have a particularly attractive figure. Not grossly overweight but no MILF. Still I felt bad for her and decided to tell her of her oversight. I felt it best to not draw a lot of attention to preserve her dignity. So I walked up beside her and whispered, "Your shorts are unzipped". I guess I caught her off guard because she jumped in the air sideways away from me and screamed like I'd said, "Boo"! Now everyone in the restaurant was looking at this construction worker dressed in dirty coveralls standing next to a clearly well to do woman with unzipped pants. She turned toward me and apologized saying I'd scared her. As gracefully as I could, I told her I was sorry I'd startled her and that her pants were unzipped down the back. I then went back to my meal she got her food and sat down. Now here's the part that even to this day amazes me. She was with her husband. We looked at each other at one point and he glared at me. Hey buddy if you don't want your wife to go out in public with her pants unzipped you should still be checking out her ass. I can tell you my wife would never make it out of the house with her pants unzipped because I check her body out constantly in my continuing efforts to pork her.
TL. DR. Tried to surreptitiously tell woman her pants were unzipped, startled her and attracted everyone's attention to us.
ChicBrit: You did good to tell her. I was in a meeting last week with about 20 people - one of the men (I am f) had his flies undone.
I don't recall much of the content of the meeting because Iwas stressing how to tell a guy I had never met before that his flies were undone.
In the end I wimped out. I feel bad but I couldn't face the inevitable '....so you were looking there becuase....'!
Vincentvonthrowaway: That is a good question, why was I looking there. If I was honest with myself, yes I was probably checking out her butt. Men usually have a part of the female anatomy that is their favorite and that is most likely mine, although I try to give equal billing to other parts as well. In as respectful a way as possible of course. I don't want to suggest I objectify women. They aren't a life support system for a vagina. They are humans with feelings, talents and intrinsic value. But men are pretty much hard wired to lust, and particularly to lust with their eyes, and who am I to fight millions of years of evolution. This is probably why the husband was glaring at me I'm sure. He knew what I'd been doing. But as Chris Rock said about the Janice Jackson 'wardrobe malfunction', "You can't just whip out a 40 year old titty (granny pantied butt) that's your man's titty. That is your man's titty, 40 year old titty your man's titty. 20 year old titty, community titty!" But I've often lied to myself and said I just noticed because she stood out in the crowd. So, why *were* you looking there? ;-)
ChicBrit: Haha you defend your position well sir.
I was looking 'there' because I was in the meeting first, and had sat down. He then walked in with a colleague (my eye height is now his zipper level) and proceeded to chat to this colleague (both standing) right next to me.
And then of course once you have seen it your eyes don't want to look anywhere else!!
Vincentvonthrowaway: That is a plausible explanation. Not that there is anything wrong with a woman discreetly checking out a man's anatomy if that were what you were doing, although I've heard women are more into cute butts than bulging packages. But to each her own. There is also a dynamic that exists when a woman has to tell a man something that leans toward the sexual. The possibility of him taking it in a suggestive way and then his subsequent actions all weigh into her decision to say something. If he's a cute guy and you're single and would like to flirt, that's one scenario. But if he's a rapey douch nozzle that's a whole different kettle of fish. Craig Ferguson has some great advice for when to speak. He suggests you ask three questions: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said *now*? Does this need to be said by *me*? Without knowing it I believe you got to number three and said, "Nope".
Fozanator: That would explain all the awkward silences on his show.
Vincentvonthrowaway: This is from 2007. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaSLuJhPUqM
| 7 | 15.285714 | |
1404129197 | 1404229487 | t3_29gsh9 | t5_2to41 | 218 | [deleted]: TIFU by 1v1ing my girlfriends younger cousin in halo
He was being cocky when playing my girlfriends brother so I got waaaay too competitive and went MLG.... he cried and told his mom that "furlan63 is a bully". I apologized but their family gave me nasty looks all night. They didnt even say bye to me when they left.
DjDog72: Kids need to accept losing. Not your fault. If hes old enough to play halo, hes old enough to get schooled.
badvok666: Old enough to play halo. So infancy/pre natal? You grow out of halo about the same time you get adult teeth.
HiDig: You on that COD swag aint it boi, MLG 360 blaze it.
badvok666: No, i'm PC so i don't play shit that is just churned out with no regard to quality. So, COD, Halo, Assassins creed. All that repetitive shit that console gamers love because there is no real challenge, no sense of loss...which brings me to the initial post. The child flipped his lid due to loss, Halo is like the family, it wants everyone to be a winner so the single player is about as challenging as blinking. I have played these games and left them all due to the lack of challenges and repetitive level design. That's how i feel, i thought halo 1 was trash when it came out, the game has at least maintained that.
COD = re spawns for difficulty.
Halo = your concrete fortress of repetitive solitude
AC = climb tower fall into hey, rinse repeat with bigger tower.
HiDig: So you prefer My Little Pony Action Adventure Games instead? Good to know.
badvok666: No i prefer a challenge. I like, HL1,2 +ep's, Morrowind, Bioshock1. C&C,+red alert2,ts. Kinda liked generals but EA had their grubby mits in westwood at the time so quality was diminishing. The first tomb raider was a good challenging game. Black and white was awesome. There are many games i like but generally they are older games since consoles became popular many companies don't make them as challenging or difficult because they want every simpleton to buy their game. They want you.
As for my little pony, i cannot judge since i haven't tried it. Why don't you tell me, you sound experienced in the genera, its the same as halo right....kids game?
| 7 | 31.142857 | |
1404126853 | 1404185344 | t3_29gqfg | t5_2to41 | 5 | phaedrus1999: TIFU by almost killing my father and brother
Okay, to start off, this actually happened A couple of months ago, but I still thought it would be cool to share it and get it off my chest:
So, I live in Florida, and the male side of my family is really into scuba diving (I mean, it's Florida! what else are you supposed to do on the weekends?). My brother and I just got our Scuba licenses a couple of months before, and were going out every weekend to dive off our boat and stuff. Up until that point, I didn't have much experience driving the boat, and didn't have that much of an idea about all the little kinks, tricks, and glitches it had (It's a really old boat).
So anyway, flash-back to a Saturday a couple of months ago. We just got done with a full day of diving, and the sun was starting to go down. All hyped up on the days events, I suggested we go for a night dive. Unfortunately, the boat only had two dive tanks left, so I had to stay back and pilot the boat while my brother and dad went under. They re-attached all their gear, and went down without a hitch, and I just chilled for a half-hour waiting for them to resurface. I must have fallen asleep or something, because I opened my eyes, and realized it was night.
Running up to the starboard bow, I looked out towards where they should be, but didn't see anything. That either meant they hadn't come up yet, they DID come up, and were to stupid to turn on their flashlights, or they were to far away for me to see.
So I hurriedly untied the boat from the bouy line, started the boat, and drove over to look for them. After about 10 minutes of searching, I found their flag, and saw that they hadn't come up yet. So I tied anchor, and turned the key off. I could see my brother's flag moving farther and farther away from me as they swam in a different direction, but I figured I could always start up the boat and go after them when they came up.
Finally, an hour after they had descended, My father and brother came up about 200 ft. away from the boat, small specks on the horizon. seeing them, I went up front to try to raise the anchor, but somehow I got it stuck on something on the bottom. As hard as I pulled, I couldn't get it unstuck. Slightly freaking out, but still keeping my cool, I went back to the cockpit to try to start the motors. When I turned the key, nothing happened. nada. During all of this, the others were swimming IN THE WRONG DIRECTION away from the boat. I tried yelling and waving a flashlight, but they were too far away to hear me, and too low in the water to see my small hand-held light. Seriously freaking out now, I start screaming at the top of my lungs, and blowing the horn. nothing worked, and it looked as though they were trying to swim to a different boat way off in the distance. skip forwards about 40 min and by some miracle they happen to turn towards me. Slowly swimming back, I heard my father yell what sounded like:
"Joe (my brother) is dead!", when afterwards they told me he just said
"Are you okay?!"
after what seemed like hours of swimming, they made it back to the boat.
It turned out when I shut the engines down, I left the shifter in forward, and caught the boat anchor on some coral. I free-dove down, unhooked the anchor with the help of my father, and we went and had dinner at our favorite restaurant to celebrate us being alive.
alif1994: I guess I'll never try night dive after reading this.
phaedrus1999: Oh, it's not that bad. We were just inexperienced. I've gotten a lot better since this incident.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404132410 | 1404145308 | t3_29gvqg | t5_2to41 | 1 | What_a_munter: TIFU by not proof reading my texts.
Swarlsonegger: >he's Trans, no problems there for me
why exactly are you dating at all?
chihuahua_cat: >why exactly are you dating at all?
Whats the problem with OP dating someone who is trans*?
Swarlsonegger: because he probably started dating to find a love interest, or maybe someone to grow old with, or maybe to get children, or maybe to have wild sex?
Like it or not you have motives for dating, and the fact that someone turns out to be the opposite gender from I initially thought that person is would change alot.
chihuahua_cat: Maybe OP is open to having a different sexual relationship. OP maybe doesnt define as straight and is open to all people. Why isnt it possible to have "wild sex" with the lady he is dating? Why if they hit off can he not grow old with her? There are many ways they could have children if they decided to. Not everyone is one gender or the other.
Swarlsonegger: yeah maybe. but those are things only OP knows, so I asked
| 6 | 0.166667 | |
1404135980 | 1404138253 | t3_29gzwo | t5_2to41 | 17 | ShakespeareGotHigh: TIFU by saying 'sorry for your loss' about a dead dog
So I have a friend on Snapchat who snaps about her dog a lot. I absent-mindedly check her story once in a while, and I see that recently there is talk of a 'car accident' and I don't see her dog in snaps any more.
Recently, she snaps herself crying saying that he's gone.
Naturally, I say sorry about your dog.
Turns out it was her godson.
AliceA: No harm just tell her sorry for her loss of godson and you misunderstood.
ShakespeareGotHigh: I did but there was this fucking giant stretch of silence where I wanted to not exist.
AliceA: Let's hope it was just not knowing how to reply! Really all you can do is all you can do and you did that so let yourself off the hook!
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1404136973 | 1404141583 | t3_29h182 | t5_2to41 | 10 | tomorrowistomato: TIFU by drinking water in the dark
BournvitaSallu: While you are typing this, the spider's family has already started plotting their revenge.
They will find you and suffocate you, slowly but surely, they will have their revenge.
tomorrowistomato: Oh god nooooo
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1404138864 | 1404166465 | t3_29h40s | t5_2to41 | 68 | bellagioia: TIFU by trying to get in some stranger's car. While they were inside.
(I don't post..ever, but this is my second time posting on /r/TIFU..so it's safe to say I'm an idiot.)
After work, about two days ago, I was pretty tired after a lengthy and busy lunch serving shift. I needed to get cigarettes at the gas station, so my boyfriend took me straight there after he picked me up.
I run in, grab 'em,talk about how I need to quit with the cashier for the millionth time, and head back out.
not paying any attention to the make or model of a gunmetal colored car, I don't bother looking inside, and proceed to try to open the locked door on the passenger's side. I'm not looking inside, but kind if just staring ahead of me waiting for it to be unlocked. To my FUCKING HORROR,I see my boyfriend's car parked in front, and the driver looks at me and starts laughing, unlocking the car and rolling down the window saying, "am I missing something?"
It took me a minute too long to register, and after mumbling something stupid, I run to my boyfriend's car, turn last minute and see half of the people filling up and waiting to fill up laughing.
I jump in the fucking car and tell him to get the fuck out of there,
Meanwhile covering my face with both hands and repeatedly saying " ohmygodohmygod."
Haven't forgiven myself yet.
Super_Zac: Had someone do this to me when I was sitting in my car. The lady opened the door, and I just stared at her. She stood there for about 15 seconds before mumbling "sorry" and walking over to her car. The gas pump people were kind of assholes for laughing at you about it.
bellagioia: I mean, it was kind of funny..
But in that moment I just wanted to light a cigarette and throw it in their direction.
Super_Zac: **WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?** *as the entire gas station goes up in flames and explosions*
bellagioia: Yeassss
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1404133701 | 1404147956 | t3_29gx7g | t5_2to41 | 2 | abrakidabra: TIFU by accidentally converting my OS hard drive to a dynamic disk
I have two 2TB drives in my PC and for so long I have only been using one of them as that is all the space that I needed.
I had been wanting to experiment with RAID arrays and hard drive mirroring for a while now and tonight I thought 'why not?'. I knew that Windows 8 Pro has hard drive mirroring built in to I went into Computer Management, right clicked my OS partition, clicked 'Add Mirror...', selected my unused hard drive and then clicked OK. Typical 'next, next, next, finish' type of thing.
Then a warning popped up. 'The operation you selected will convert the selected basic disk(s) to dynamic disk(s)...'. This is where everything went wrong. Without thoroughly reading the rest I click 'OK'.
Now here I am up late backing up all my stuff so I can convert the disk back again and be able to boot my computer again after I turn it off.
TL;DR: Converted my OS hard disk into a dynamic disk while fiddling with hard drive mirroring.
Edit: formatting
Update: This morning I managed to convert the drive back to a basic disk using EaseUS Partition Master and all is working well
[deleted]: And people wonder why I use a Mac...
zars15: Pretty sure you can fuck up on Mac as well.
[deleted]: Not like that.
bloons3: sudo rm -rf /
[deleted]: >sudo rm -rf /
... and five clicks later, you step into the Time Machine and wake up from the bad dream of data loss.
I can't think of a single thing you can do on a Mac which is as irreversible as that Dynamic Disk bullshit.
You can create, destroy, rebuild, and maintain RAID arrays without data damage, and you can enable and disable full-disk encryption as easily as well.
bloons3: The same could be said for Windows as well. Backups allow you to recover, no matter the OS.
[deleted]: Um, no. Windows does not include anything even remotely like Time Machine. It is a bootable, bare-metal restore, which does not even require you to reinstall the OS first.
| 8 | 0.25 | |
1404139868 | 1404155441 | t3_29h5nm | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting porn on the surround sound at my school cafe
This did not happen today but when I was in highschool. We were rehearsing a play for drama class when my friends and I decided to pull a prank like how we always did in drama class. This time we took it a bit to far…maybe. We got a hold of a girls ipod and searched up the most intense porno we could find. Having access to the surround sound in the café where the stage was located we plugged it in to hear the sounds of moaning and all other sounds that comes with a video like that. In an instant we ran up the the bleachers and all laid on the floor behind some chairs. My friends told me that we had gone too far and told me to run down and turn it off. Instead I ran down and turned the volume up.The teacher stopped everything she was doing and ran to the ipod, looked at it and said: “this…..this…..is disgusting!”. She then heard us burst out laughing in the bleachers and decided to give chase running up the stairs to where we were hiding. All five of us got up and sprinted down the other side where there was another set of stairs. We sprinted to the ipod turned off the video and escaped the café….. we lost all trust from our teacher that day but being known as pranksters in that class, she got over it and we never talked about it again….we gained legendary status from there on out.
[deleted]: Dude that is epic now in thinking about pulling a prank like that.
GrapePlasma: You'll get expelled
On1CUe: You'll be killed
andylawa42: Or killed while being expelled.
TheBomar: Expelled then killed for getting expelled.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1404140333 | 1404340350 | t3_29h6e7 | t5_2to41 | 44 | tifuthrowaway34: TIFU by not knowing what a blowjob is
Ok, some back story... I'm 18, and I've lived a very sheltered life. I live in Salt Lake City, my family is very Mormon, and I was home schooled up until 9th grade. Sex was an unspeakable taboo, and I knew what little I did from "bad friends" in church.
My parents thought I was "good" enough to be placed in public high school to "build my social network." That was three years ago. I've been slowly coming out of my geeky religious shell. I even managed to get a boyfriend, and while he was much more open than me, he never talked about sex, so I remained ignorant.
Yesterday, we were making out and fooling around behind the bleachers after lunch period, and he suddenly stepped back and dropped his pants. He asked me to give him a BJ. I was nervous as heck because I know he had been with other girls who were more experienced than me, and I had only heard one friend talk about BJs years ago in church school, but I went for it.
After about three seconds he said "Uhhh... what are you doing?"
It turns out, you do not literally "blow" during a blowjob. I had been licking his penis and blowing on it.
Probably the only time I've ever cried with embarrassment.
WPBDoc: You know enough to have a Reddit account and you know about TIFU, but you don't know what a blowjob is?
Yeah....I'm not buying what you are selling, little lady.
tifuthrowaway34: My main account is in use over at /r/Christianity. Everyone talks about BJs on reddit, but no one mentions that you don't actually blow...
WPBDoc: I thought you said you were Mormon?
Jill4ChrisRed: Mormonism derived from Christianity, so I guess it makes sense to be subbed there.
WPBDoc: No it didn't. It's not even bastardized Christianity. It's a cult.
Jill4ChrisRed: It may be a cult but without Christianity, Mormonism wouldn't exist.
WPBDoc: Nah....that's like saying without "religion" it wouldn't exist. Without Joseph Smith and his delusional followers, it wouldn't exist.
Svelte_Ninja: You realize Christianity is a blanket term for any religion who believes that Christ was the savior, right?
| 9 | 4.888889 | |
1404139036 | 1404234402 | t3_29h4aa | t5_2to41 | 9 | fuckin_dreams_man: TIFU by basically falling in love with a girl, in my dream, who doesn't actually exist
depthout: Good news for you. We can only dream about persons we saw/met in real life so she exists. Maybe even live near you. Keep your eyes open.
fuckin_dreams_man: That actually is really good news, thank you!
| 3 | 3 | |
1404141880 | 1404249320 | t3_29h90m | t5_2to41 | 517 | Terrible_Storyteller: TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a wedding
This happened Saturday, here it is. I've been dating my girlfriend for a couple years now and it's been known from beginning I don't want to get married nor have kids while she does. We just accepted, or so I thought, that we would just enjoy our relationship for as long as it lasts. I love her and realize there will be an end since our goals are different.
Anyway, so I take to my friend's wedding and we have a great time. Lots of laughing, dancing, and a little drinking on my part. At some point we're sitting down and she tells me she can't wait to have all of that. In my inebriated mind I thought it would be a great idea to tell her, "Don't worry, some day you'll find someone to have that with!"
Needless to say, no one wants to hear that from their significant other. We ended up leaving shortly after to what I thought was her being tired, but rightly so she's been in a foul mood since.
Rtwose: I think you guys need a chat to make sure you are both on the same page. She could easily have taken your 'I never want marriage/kids' as 'for now, I don't want...', and that there is actually room for change.
Terrible_Storyteller: We did have that talk, a few times. I broke up with her a little while back because of that, but within a week she begged to get back together with me. She said she knows it won't happen, but wants to stay with me anyway until she's ready to break it off.
covmatty1: I'll take "imminent 'accidental' pregnancy" for 10 points please.
thatdudeuonceknew: yeah I second this...I have an 18 month old that can attest to the accidental pregnancy that occurred when I was in almost the same situation and she said she was fine without the paper or kids and it was never an issue. 6 months after we got together her doctor told us she was infertile and away went the condom and bc, 4 years later my 18 month old is currently screaming bloody murder because I took the sharpie away and ruined her life forever. also ended up married but that was by choice, it really makes life simpler at this point for us.
SgtMac02: So, here's the real question....did the Doctor tell "Us" or did the Doctor tell her, and she told you? Because, there is a distinct possibility that if it was the latter....she was full of shit.
thatdudeuonceknew: I wasn't personally there, but my mother was and I asked about it in private to make sure. I guess she could have really wanted a grand kid but I prefer to believe that doctor was an idiot and I should have gotten a second opinion
SgtMac02: Well, I'd side with you on the fact that you probably weren't lied to in this case. I'm sure your mother (hopefully) had your best interest in mind. Though, I'm vaguely curious as to why your mother was there...
But I wouldn't just assume the Dr was an idiot either. There are lots of conditions that can cause a woman to be considered unable to become pregnant and the little miracle still manages to find a way...These sorts of things happen all the time.
thatdudeuonceknew: my mother was there because my wife needed a ride (never buy a ford taurus, they break...a lot.) and I guess didn't feel like sitting in the waiting room for whatever reason lol. as for considering the doctor an idiot I really consider most of them the most well educated morons on the face of the earth...worked for cvs for a while and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to make them understand you need a patients birth date to process a prescription, not 9 more copies of the blank prescription attached to each other so I have to separate it and fax it back 9 times asking for the birth date. that shit made my blood boil and makes it really hard to take them seriously now.
| 9 | 57.444444 | |
1404142003 | 1404142500 | t3_29h97z | t5_2to41 | 7 | Sad_Donkey: TIFU by selling something for way less than it's worth
I've been selling things on eBay and I have this item (new) that retails for over $700. I put it up at a fixed price a few months ago and received offers up to $400, but I just ended up holding on to the item. For whatever reason, I decided it would be a good idea to start a one week auction for it at under a dollar. It sold for under $80...fuck. I'm an idiot.
Rtwose: Obviously it is a bit late now, but moral of the story is don't stick anything on ebay for less than you are actually willing to sell it for.
Please link your ebay page, I will keep an eye open for any future bargains ;-)
Sad_Donkey: I knew that beforehand and I know that now, but I still did it anyways.
I'll kindly pass up on the eBay link offer :)
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404143522 | 1404265265 | t3_29hbrg | t5_2to41 | 3,845 | Burning_Anus: TIFU By accidentally pepper spraying my anus. [NSFW]
So this just happened and I thought you guys may enjoy this....I devoted today to cleaning around the house and because of this decided to wear comfortable shorts which did not have pockets. Throughout the course of the day I had to go in and out of the house, so I needed my keys on me. Having a lack of pockets complicated matters for me until I realized something....
On my keys I have a container of sabre pepper spray so I have the wonderful Idea to stick the thing down the backside of my shorts and let the keys just dangle outside almost like a metallic tail. The weight of the can and retention from the elastic band kept it in decently in place so I went about my business.
Eventually I decide to sit down on a rock pile outside my house and feel wetness followed by an intense burning sensation. After a few seconds I register what happened and rush inside. The little lever on it slid out of the safe position and when I sat down it engaged and a solid stream of the shit came out. It felt like Lucifer had just raped me up the ass with his fiery cock.
Grabbing a half gallon of milk from the kitchen I run to the bathroom and immediately pour it on myself to get some relief, getting it everywhere in the process. While frantically attempting to get the red liquid out of my ass crack my finger ended up inside my anus pushing the stuff further in. To make things worse my SO was just arriving home when this happened and discovered me crying, half naked in the bathroom covered in milk... That was a difficult one to explain....
TIL: Pepper spray is some nasty shit, don't be a moron with it.
**Update- Still a bit sore down there, but most of the pain is gone. Thanks for all the comments by the way, I laughed my ass off ( or at least what is left of it.)
Edit: Just for clarity here I am a man.
Meekski: How did you get rid of the liquid you pushed deeper inside? Did you just let it run its course?
Burning_Anus: Well, once I got all the stuff removed from the outside put some milk up there to hopefully neutralize it and basically let it run its course from there. Still is irritated but not nearly as bad as before.
r0b0torg: What was your method of 'putting it up there' funnel douche idfk how I would put milk up my ass........
ThePurpleHayes: You have this circular muscle called a sphincter, push it open, have your ass up in the air, get the gallon of milk everywhere and about 2ml in your ass.
jcrl93: I'm trying to mentally picture the position you would need to be in to achieve that solo.
cream_and_peaches: lie on your back, bring your knees up to your shoulders, pour
...try not to drown in butt-milk
kholim: Bring the cinnamon toast crunch.
drufus2: [nsfw](http://imgur.com/Stc29.gif)
compto35: Well, that exists
ilikeeatingbrains: [then this happened](http://pikdit.com/i/a-guy-making-chocolate-milk-in-his-butt/)
PM_ME_YOUR_SUNSETS: Those dance moves doe.
ilikeeatingbrains: [I think I like your "PM_ME_YOUR_X thing" username the best. It's actually kind of sweet.](http://images.summitpost.org/original/736564.jpg)
PM_ME_YOUR_SUNSETS: Thank you! This one is excellent! Definitely a keeper
| 14 | 274.642857 | |
1404141376 | 1404189701 | t3_29h861 | t5_2to41 | 245 | Rtwose: TIFU by trying to climb through an inflatable sofa
Ok, this one is a few years old, but sums me up reasonably well.
After moving into my first place as a relatively poor 20 something, I bought an inflatable sofa for the living room. Between the base of the sofa and the arm/backrest, there was a small gap. Being bored one afternoon, I wondered if it would be possible to fit through this gap. It was a tight squeeze, but looked possible if I kept my arms at my side. After a brief bit of squirming, I am part way through when I lose my balance and capsize the thing, leaving me lying on my back with an inflatable sofa wrapped around my chest, pinning my arms to my side and with nothing to lever against to get the thing off of me.
Unfortunately, my flatmate was at work at the time, so it was maybe 2-3 hours lying like this before he got home and was able to free me (took a few minutes for him to stop laughing). Thankfully, I could just about see the TV, so it could have been worse, but wasn't really how I had planned on spending my afternoon...
sunsoutbunsout: Somebody with an inflatable couch please recreate this and post it.... for the sake of the internet.
[deleted]: Why not OP?
Rtwose: I no longer have access to an inflatable sofa :-/
HBStone: did your roommate take it away?
zomgfruitbunnies: OP is no longer allowed near inflatable sofas.
| 6 | 40.833333 | |
1404147189 | 1404192736 | t3_29hhnz | t5_2to41 | 562 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my girlfriend lick my asshole.
So this morning I'm taking a shower while my girlfriend is in there talking to me. A normal type of day. I've brought up to her in the past how I would like to have my asshole licked because it feels good. She said she would only do when it's clean and not hairy. She also knows it feels good because she likes when I do it to her.
So I'm already shaving my junk, and I casually bring it up. She's sort of reluctant about it at first, but said she would only do it once and for me to never ask again. So I agree. I shave it and wash it really well. She's acting all giggly about it so I figure everything is good to go. She licks it two good long times and then proceeds to brush her teeth afterwards. I finish my shower thinking everything is fine.
Well I get out of the shower and she proceeds to get mad at me whilst her crying. Saying "Why would you make me do that? I feel gross, I feel disgusting." while she bawls her eyes out. I try to calm her down, but it doesn't work. So I walk away to the kitchen and clean up things, five minutes later she comes out and starts bitching at me for not caring. Then throws things, slaps me, I tell her to grab her stuff and leave.
So... it looks like I'm single now.
Edit: Changed balls to bawls.
RockDrill: > she would only do it once and for me to never ask again.
For future reference this is a big red flag. It likely meant she felt pressured to do something she didn't want to do, and thought relenting once with the proviso that she won't have to do it again was a way out. It's stupid on her part: doing something she knew she'd hate with the expectation it'd be okay was not smart. And you should have been clued up to not push her to do something she wasn't keen on.
Consent is a key part of safe sex, and something I've learnt is that this means everyone involved has to be fairly smart, confident and expressive. Otherwise you get shit like this where people do things they don't want to do and get hurt. So, for future sexual partners, make sure you scope out how well they deal with expressing consent before you bust out your shaven starfish.
cptnhk: And make sure she uses Scope.
Fackyoshiet: Nah it's all about the Listerine
Roeratt: But I want something that doesn't make it feel like my mouth is on fire
EBeast99: Trust me, you're gonna want to be gargling Bacardi after doing something like that.
Qwertification: Let's just go straight to the everclear
EBeast99: Fuck it, get the Absinthe.
Qwertification: We might die. But we'll be sterilized.
EBeast99: Livers are for the weak.
Qwertification: Amen to that.
| 11 | 51.090909 | |
1404148249 | 1404153023 | t3_29hjj6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my mom eat my cum [NSFW]
This was back a few years ago when I was 14.
So I had saw a movie, I think American Pie, where this dude fucks a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and my little ass thought it would be awesome to try out this bread pussy. So I'm going at it and I finish in the sandwich and throw it away (for some reason I had put it on a plate). So my mom comes home about 10 minutes later and she's doing her thing and opens the trash to throw away something and sees the sandwich and asks me why there's a fresh sandwich in the trash. Now you ever been in the situation where you need an answer fast but can only think "Oh fuck," we'll that's where I'm at. The only thing I could think of saying was "The bread felt old." She responds with "Well that can't be I just bought it yesterday." So she takes it out of the trash (it was a brand new trashbag with only the sandwich in it and somehow the sandwich stayed on the plate when I threw it out) and feels the bread and says its fine and asks if I still want it. I say no, so what does she do? She takes a big bite out of the sandwich and follows with a long and loud "Mmmmmmmmm this tastes wonderful! Did you really make this?" and I'm here shocked with mixed emotions, paralyzed with fear, trying not to die of laughter, about to puke. I finally respond with a whimpering yes and she proceeded to take bite after bite until it was all gone. She then asked me to make another for her.
tl;dr Fucked a sandwich, mom ate my cum, mom wanted to eat more of my cum.
Edit: Sorry some of you don't believe me, I can't force you too. All I can say is that it did infact happen.
molbionerd: BS
Jon8502: Oh how I wish it was.
Frappo: You threw the plate with the sandwitch in the bin?
Jon8502: Paper plate.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1404148667 | 1404170898 | t3_29hk9z | t5_2to41 | 25 | Brandaman: TIFU by seriously wasting NHS time
Someone at work hid my mug and covered it in approximately 4000 layers of hazard tape. Tried to stab through the handle with scissors. Scissors slipped, one blade went on each side of my finger. Blood everywhere. I passed out. They called an ambulance. I went to A&E. They put a plaster on it. Fuck.
[Bonus: Saw this poster on the way out](http://i.imgur.com/GCz1uis.jpg)
sour_peach: If you passed out, that is EVERY reason to go to A&E.
The cut finger isn't the danger when this happens. They didn't just stick a plaster on it. They also checked your vitals and made sure you weren't having a heart attack, and your blood sugar was ok, and you were properly hydrated.
Brandaman: > They also checked your vitals and made sure you weren't having a heart attack, and your blood sugar was ok, and you were properly hydrated.
They actually didn't. Literally just made me rinse the cut under some water, took a look at it, wrapped it in a plaster and sent me on my way.
sour_peach: Ah... guessing you were fully conscious and a good colour (i.e. not blue or grey) by the time you got there then?
Brandaman: Yeah, I was only out for a minute or so.
sour_peach: Hmm... sounds like whoever called the ambulance was the one who actually wasted their time. Doesn't your place of work have a first aid kit? Also, first-aider on site?
I'm just confused as to why anyone would call an ambulance for a cut and a faint.
Maybe growing up way out in the countryside has made me less phased by things...
Brandaman: Ha yeah there's a first aid kit but the cut was pretty deep and was bleeding a lot. My finger started to go blue too, probably because it was being help up and there was a bandage on it that was probably too tight, but I think that's why I passed out anyway, because I was scared it was going to fall off or something.
sour_peach: Ah ok.
Yeah... blue finger is another fairly good reason to go to A&E.
I had a massive shard of glass stuck in my left middle finger for about 2 months... there was a lot of blood, but I was on a tight schedule, so I wrapped it up and didn't go to A&E. Probably should have, but I figured that since I felt ok, and as there was no additional pain or swelling, I was probably ok - no infection. Besides, it would have ruined a full weekend of gaming... 48 hour LAN event.
It made driving interesting... I couldn't indicate without pain. Had to learn to use my ring finger on the indicator so as not to wince on approach to every junction. Not the best thing to do while in control of a van :/
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1404150150 | 1404216136 | t3_29hmvb | t5_2to41 | 118 | wgshiv3r: TIFU by not wearing underwear to work
I work at an all girls college for the IT department. Although it is summer we still have a very active summer school so the school is still very busy with people every where.
We were changing out the Wireless Access Points in the one of the buildings today so I was up on the ladder all morning unplugging the old ones and replacing them. There were classes in and out the whole day but I had a co-worker with me holding the ladder and making sure no one bumped in to it.
Well during this one change out I noticed a group of girls laughing and just staring at me so I naturally thought something was wrong but I couldn't figure out what. Well finally one of them comes up to me and proceeds to tell me that my zipper is down and they way I am standing they can see my whole dick because my crotch is eye level with them.
I was so embarrassed. I wonder how many people saw that and just laughed and didn't say anything. I zipped up my pants, packed up the ladder and headed out. I determined I would change the rest out at another time.
TL;DR - forgot to wear underwear and zip up pants. Group of girls saw my dick.
sterlingmoody: When I was 16 I had a pair of pants that the zipper would slide down. Also had a pair of boxers where the fly was open. One day I wore both to class. I stand up and my best friend at the time scream. "Oh dude your dicks out!" It had fallen out the hole and everything. Was a bad day.
GreatYourBeauty: Would have been worse if it got stuck while you were closing your zipper... had that once, can confirm that the zipper circumcision is real
apoc1169: oh man! how did you get the beans above the frank?
Lehk: Half these kids won't get that
| 5 | 23.6 | |
1404150658 | 1404160796 | t3_29hnsi | t5_2to41 | 53 | [deleted]: TIFU sleepwalking
I'll start this one of... We were out having a few drinks at a small, very cozy, little restaurant/pub. It was getting late so the pub was closing, and me and a friend was invited to a "nachspiel", at a girls cabin. Now, for the record, it's a very small cabin with only 2 bedrooms and one combined kitchen/living room. The toilet is outside, in a small side-building. The girl's family shares the cabin with her aunt and her family, so one of the bedrooms is kind of "off-limits". This will become relevant, I promise. Anyways, we headed back to the cabin, and I knew that my friend had a thing(and a history) for this girl, so I figured I'd back off a bit. After a few beers in the living room, we decided it was time for bed. I volunteered to sleep on the couch, which is fine, because it's a really soft couch. My friend and the girl went into the bedroom that is not "off-limits", and I got undressed and bunked on the couch. I fell asleep pretty instantly, but I woke up at about 6 in the morning. To my surprise, I was now in the bedroom that was "off-limits". I had been sleepwalking. I woke up because the girl was standing in the room. "Did you puke?" She said, looking around the room scanning for vommit. Her eyes stopped, and her jaw dropped, when her eyes hit the nightstand. "Oh my God, is that what I think it is?!" I sat up in the bed, and discovered what was the true sin of my sleepwalking. On the nightstand, there was a huge piece of shit. In my sleep, I had gotten up from the couch, gone into the restricted bedroom, and taken a shit om the nightstand. The girl was in shok. I was in shock. My friend was asleep. I didn't know what to say, other than the usual "holy shit I'm so so sorry!!" I had to take a couple of minutes just to get a grasp of what had just happened, and then I cleaned everything. I woke my friend up, who was still drunk and half asleep, so he had no idea of what was going on. We went home and, after a couple of hours of sleep, I told him the story. We laughed 'till we cried. This was at midsummer, and I still haven't talked to the girl.
TL;DR: I shat on a nightstand.
Lady_Hippos_Twin: Welcome Sleepwalking Brother, the weird shit gets better. Beware of drinking and stress, they are my triggers and seem to be a pretty common pair.
My wife likes to tell me in the morning of the weird things I would do at night, attempting to shower, pissing in the closet, swapping the laundry from the washer to dryer, texting nonsense, the fun is never ending.
Hurtgen: I want to say "I can't wait!" but I really can.
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1404138761 | 1404220511 | t3_29h3ux | t5_2to41 | 10 | DLanceD: TIFU by serving my GF a GNAT PB & J.
So this morning I was smoking in the apartment and got a text from my girlfriend (who was upstairs) expressing her extreme displeasure. I decided to make it up to her and fix her a PB & J sandwich. After feverishly searching through the kitchen for the bread my search turned up empty handed. I couldn't find it.
On a whim I searched the trash. And there it was. Now this is where I should have been like...hmm its in the trash lets forgo the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Instead I proceeded to get it out (was only 2 days past expiration date) and fix up a healthy sized pb & j. Triumphantly marching up the stairs with this wonderful sandwich in hand I hand it to my girlfriend who is awake on her phone. Her eyes widen in surprise. "Thank you! Thank you!" She says. I told her I was sorry for smoking in the place and she takes a big bite out of it.
The next thing I do is ask her why she threw the bread away. It was still perfectly good. She looses that grin and the look is replaced by one of horror. She spits out the piece and then tells me last night apparently a ton of baby gnats hatched in the bread and were flying around inside the closed bread bag. Oh Shit. I had two pb & j's last night. *Chokes*
TL;DR I unknowingly ate gnat eggs and then fed them to my girlfriend.
Foreigncarwhipper: For a second i thought the ejaculate filled pb and j from a previous thread was in the trashcan. Lol
DLanceD: I guess I missed that thread lol
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1404150501 | 1404228289 | t3_29hnhz | t5_2to41 | 1,790 | aerinjl1: TIFU by not reading the whole article on feeding pineapple to dogs.
My dog, Pippet, goes absolutely bonkers for fruits and vegetables; gets more excited for baby carrots than bacon, more excited for spinach than steak, you get the idea. She gets them as treats and I always double-check the safety of new items.
There was a great deal on pineapples this weekend, so I bought one. As I was cutting it up, I gave Pippet a tiny nibble and she went into full-blown ‘gimme’ mode – pupils dilated, ears fully erect, slobber dripping. I jump on the computer to make sure pineapple is safe for dogs. I quickly browse the first paragraph of the first result, and it says that not only is pineapple safe, delicious, and nutritious, it also discourages dogs from eating their own poop. Awesome! So I give Pippet the pineapple core, it’s too hard for me to eat but for Pippet it’s basically a bone made of fruit. She loved it.
**Have you ever been woken up by a smell?** Just a smell, no noise, no movement, no breeze, just the smell of poop wafting into your room through the gap under the door? I roll over thinking the cat pooped on my pillow (again) (he has neurological issues) and the cat is gagging. This cat licks his own butthole and will sit in the litter box after pooping just to savor the flavor, so clearly this is not a cat-created scent if he’s gagging. It smells…faintly…spicy…and… *sniffsniff…. of….pineapple. Spicy Pineapple with hints of raw sewage. This can’t be good.
I open my bedroom door, and my eyes start watering as the raw sewage/pineapple scent hits in full force. I also hear very small little whines coming down the hallway. And there, in the living room, is my poor dog, huddled in her crate, surrounded by a scene of unimaginable, massive poop destruction. There is poop sprayed at least two feet out from her cage in every direction, including a foot up the glass door where it is dripping, like viscous yoo-hoo, down towards the floor. To accomplish getting poop on the glass door, she literally shat through the screen door - take a minute and process that. My dog took a shit with such force and such liquidity that it passed through a screen door a foot above her poop-hole. My PhD in poop physics is telling me this should be impossible, but the physical evidence is to the contrary.
To keep the story short, I had to carry her poopy self to the tub and use Q-tips to get the poop out of her ears (obviously more poop-y voodoo-y magic). I used up every wet wipe and every rag and then had to use more q-tips to get poop out of the cracks in the hardwood floors (original hardwood floors from a factory built in the 1910’s that will probably never fully recover from this night). The crate and screen door are still out on the balcony…I think they will have to be hosed down… or burned. I got about 3 hours of sleep, I’ll decide later when I’m more cognizant. I tried to eat the rest of the pineapple this morning and gagged.
Turns out the 2nd paragraph of the article that I only read the 1st paragraph of, warned about the danger of feeding too much pineapple, or the pineapple core, to dogs. The core can lead to ‘fiber balls’ in the digestive tract, leading to a back-up, and ‘explosive consequences’. I really fucked up by not reading that 2nd paragraph.
As a thanks for reading this wall o’ text, here is a picture of Pippet being dapper (aka, not covered in shit). http://imgur.com/9GhrMNi
**EDIT** I did not get pictures. At 2am, I was not thinking of internet fame and glory from my dog's shitstorm. If you have doubts of my story, you are more than welcome to feed your dog a pineapple core and see what happens. I suggest stocking up on wetwipes and bleach.
**EDIT II** Obligatory, yet sincere, thanks to the redditor that gifted me gold. Does this mean my dog figuratively shat gold?
bixinha734: Poor pup! Did you take her to the vet?
aerinjl1: I did not. She seemed fine this morning. Ate her breakfast (half rations, less ammo just in case there is a round II), urinated (no poop - undoubtedly recharging, dear god I hope there is no round II), and was her usual playful self.
15j: Please keep us updated, regarding both the health of the pup and the epic carnage.
aerinjl1: Pippet is still good this evening...had a pudding poo which is actually an upgrade from yoohoo poo. After some more reading this afternoon on pineapple+dogs, I'm just relieved it didn't cause a bowel obstruction.
Hardwood floors are a little....crusty. Some of the cracks were too small to get a q-tip in...so I'm hoping the smell dissipates naturally.
Hosed the crate and screen door, going to let them air out for another day or two and I think they will survive.
UnculturedLout: To get right into the cracks of the floor, I'd recommend buying a [denture brush](http://well.ca/products/gum-denture-brush_14523.html?gclid=CjkKEQjwlcSdBRD3wva3-KOAo80BEiQAjNIhia85LAtsTRjfqV06lRRl3I_EPhNRLsJRiEpb50wF3E7w_wcB). They're cheap, can get into tiny little crevices, and are much tougher than a normal toothbrush, so you can really scrub. Good luck.
aerinjl1: I did a round of vinegar+baking soda +toothbrush last night and it seems to have worked. If I need to do more cleaning, the denture brush is a great idea, thanks!
Ucantalas: ...remember to throw out the toothbrush.
aerinjl1: Already did. I am doing everything in my power to not have another TIFU.
| 9 | 198.888889 | |
1404143245 | 1404154670 | t3_29hbbp | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By Missing Deadline For Important Application
A little about me: I recently turned 21 and am in college. I attend a small private college in California, majoring in Economics, and have been looking to transfer for over a year now because it's so expensive and I am looking for more in my college experience. I fudged this all up.
I finally have all my friends, family, and even many faculty at my current college behind me on my decision to transfer. A lot of them have put a great deal of time and effort into helping me, not to mention telling even more people of my plans. Anyway, I found out today I have been filling out the first year entry application and not the transfer "advanced application", so I missed the deadline. I checked and all my other choices are the same.
If I regress back to the college I'm attending now I expect to be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt by the time I graduate.
Words cannot express how lost I feel, so many people were counting on me. I fudged everyone, I fudged myself. Help?
TL;DR Please refer to title.
Feel free to ask me for any details or anything really, I don't expect anyone to really see this, but I'm looking for a new friend(s).
a_guile: Contact the college you are trying to transfer to, they can usually make exceptions to deadlines and stuff like that. They will probably have you pay a $50 processing fee or something like that.
mattluttrell: This is good advice. FWIW: Most colleges care about: 1) your likelihood of paying your bill and 2) the likelihood of graduating.
They're also big on defensible decisions. (Which they have to care about because they're in the public eye)
Tell them that you made the application deadline but believe that you filled out the incorrect application. Ask them if that particular application could be submitted to the different department and tell them the details.
If you're talking to someone on the phone and there is an opportunity, you might mention that you have had good grades and expect to graduate. Your bursar bill has been paid on time, etc.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1404139201 | 1404156333 | t3_29h4jv | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a haircut
Dear reddit.
Today I fucked up by getting a haircut. I own a dirtbike and decided to take it for a spin today because of the warm weather. I drove down to my hairdresser and got a haircut. As we are saying goodbye, I start the engine and shift into first gear. I drive 5 metres, hear a big clunk and the bike comes to a halt. In my eagerness to hit the road, I'd forgotten about my tiny bicycle lock on the back wheel.
My break broke off clean, but because it's aluminum, I can't weld it back together and so I have to buy a new one for around 130 dollars.
TL;DR: Have to replace some parts on my bike, can't replace my lost pride.
i_go_to_uri: That's like the equivalent to stalling a manual at an intersection. Tough to get over that one...
itsokbrotato: Not quite; if you stall a manual vehicle, you can just start it right back up again and drive away. It sounds like OP actually broke something on his bike.
| 3 | 3 | |
1404151550 | 1404222259 | t3_29hpc6 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by parking in a handicap spot for 10 seconds and getting berated by a handicapped man.
Today, I decided to go job searching in my new car which happens to be manual. so I was still getting used to driving it. Well at one point I decided to get an application for a restaurant right next to where my mom works. I saw her car as I was leaving; it was parked really badly in a handicap spot because she has really bad knees. So I decided I was going to pull up next to her car and call her to tell her she parked bad and that I was there as like a little haha moment. I didn't plan on being in that parking spot for more than 10 seconds, but just to tell her she parked bad.
One thing I should probably point out. I parked in another handicapped spot. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal because like I said I was just going to be there for a few seconds then drive away and there were about 3 more open handicap spots next to our cars. I know you're probably like WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PARK SOMEWHERE ELSE. well like I said I was still learning manual and that spot was the easiest accessible one I felt comfortable parking in.
Anyway as I was just about to drive off this guy in a huge truck parks his truck right behind me, gets out and starts banging on my window. I immediately knew this had to do with me being in this spot so I rolled down my window and he starts yelling at me "DO YOU HAVE A HANDICAP TAG" "MOVE YOUR CAR" and just keeps going at me, as if I didn't feel bad and scared enough he points down to his leg and HE HAS ONE FUCKING LEG SO OF COURSE HE WAS FURIOUS WITH ME USING THIS SPOT.
So he waited till I got out of there as fast as I can. The rest of the ride home I was almost brought to tears because I always hated seeing people park in handicap spots when they aren't supposed to and today I became that person.
Moral of the story. No matter what circumstances DONT park in a handicap spot if you don't need to even if it for a second.
I've been sulking ever since I got home and I thought sharing this with you guys would make me feel better even though I know you guys hate people like this :(
As for my mom, she saw the whole thing through her office window and was just laughing the whole time. Thanks mom.
kgreatie: don't dwell on it, parking in a handicap isnt even a big deal, especially since you were only there for 10 seconds. that dude was just an asshole
ssjkriccolo: An asshole who was right.
[deleted]: The worst kind of asshole
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1404152002 | 1404203470 | t3_29hq57 | t5_2to41 | 132 | Skleb: TIFU by having sex at GF's place [NSFW]
This actually didn't happend today but few years ago in winter.
Not a native speaker here, excuse my language.
Needless to say this was at the beginning of our relationship, so her parents didn't even knew me yet. Her parents with siblings were gone for a football match, so we decide to have some fun till they come back. They were supposed to come back home in like 4 hours so we had a plenty of time for ourselves, but we planed it out so they won't come while we are doing it. Unfortunately, when we were in the "best" I hear keys in the door lock, we are naked and I almost have an heart attack. I puted my pants quickly on me and ran on the other side of the apartment and jumped out of balcony (They live on the first floor) and I hided around the corner, standing barefooted in a snow with only pants and t-shirt which a managed to dress in while runing. My boots were still in the hall so there was no doubt that her parents know I'm there. After like 10 mins I couldn't already feel my feet and I was feeling like passing out, few people walked by. I was still hoping that she will throw my shoes out of the balcony and I will potentialy walk away home without her parents noticing. I couldn't wait no more and I tried to sneak under the balcony, but as soon as I sticked out my head from the corner to see on the balcony to give her atleast signal to help me out, her father was there, smoking. Here comes a few seconds awkward stare contest combined with moment of suprise on both sides. At that point i didn't even gave fuck what is about to happen because I have been compromised and the game is over. To my suprise he just stared at me and after some time he turned around and yelled at my GF's mom "Holy shit, I have just found him here waiting naked in snow" He willingly invited me in, I got dressed and went back home. We have never spoken about this again.
So I guess a great way how to meet your GF's parents.
tl;dr: Had sex, got caught, jumped and hided under balcony, compromised myself, got invited in, met her parents, went back home.
Edit: Switched coroner for corner
skrun: > My boots were still in the hall
Seen so many TIFUs just in the last week alone where this is the problem. I mean, surely it's easier to hide a pair of shoes in a closet than a whole boyfriend, right?
Skleb: There was no time to hide the shoes in a hall as she barely got dressed in time
Vorling: Why didn't you put shoes in the closet from the start?
Skleb: Noone expected to be caught and in our county we are just leaving shoes lying in the hall, noone really puts them in closet
| 5 | 26.4 | |
1404155648 | 1404195227 | t3_29hwdo | t5_2to41 | 40 | AMRRice: TIFU by masturbating in a lake.
This happened yesterday. I've been in a dry spell lately and it's really stayed to get to me emotionally and physically. I tend not to go out because I see all these happy couples out there, and I just want to avoid being around that. Some days I won't get out of bed, I won't eat, I just lay in bed. Most of the time I'm on reddit. Anyway, my friends came over and insisted on getting me out of my apartment.
We go out to our local lake. It's pretty much just us there. In total, there was just 4 guys and one of the guy's younger sister. We're having a good time, everything going smoothly, until another group comes along on there pontoon boat. Pretty much all of them were girls, and I saw my chance. My friends have always been great around the ladies, me not so much. These girls were amazingly beautiful all around. Beautiful faces, astonishing bodies, and they were almost busting out of their bikinis. The two groups start conversing and hanging out, just having fun.
After awhile, my friend from downtown shows up and will not go away. I don't want any of these girls to find him and think I was some freak, so I keep my distance. They end up leaving soon after and my friends go up on the docks with them. I told them I was gonna stay in the lake (my friend was still hanging around). They leave and I sit there and I know the only way for this to go away was to rub one out.
It was taking forever and I didn't think I COULD finish until it hit me out of nowhere. This was stringy line that came out. Then, it started to float up towards me. I couldn't get away. It was all over me, my stomach, arms, my back. I was covered in my own man juice. I had to get out of there, but all my friends were up on the docks. I had to go past them. I went up on the docks, grabbed a towel, and I told them I was leaving, that I had to get some groceries because I was out of food and stuff. I don't think they believed me, but they let me leave without question. I promptly went home and took the longest cold shower of my life to get all of it off.
TL;DR: Hit a dry spell, went to lake with friends. Thought it'd be a good idea to rub one out while they were with another group. Proceeded to get covered in my own seed.
Swarlsonegger: >They leave and I sit there and I know the only way for this to go away was to rub one out.
what are you, 15?
AMRRice: No. You're telling me you haven't had boners that just won't go away in your adult life.
Swarlsonegger: > They leave and I sit there and I know the only way for this to go away was to rub one out.
I just... think about other things, or start doing something. there are shittons of alternatives than fapping into the lake
Bandit6789: I go into a hunched over position, after a minute or two my cock settles down.
Or "my friend from downtown gets a phone call and has to go back into the city for a business meeting."
6romperstomper9: He might be your friend. But you are no friend of his. You should have introduced him to the group. Shame on you.
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1404156437 | 1404218722 | t3_29hxqp | t5_2to41 | 8 | TifuAllDay: TIFU: Harassed my CEO
While taking a piss in the company's restroom, my CEO walked in and occupied the stall next to mine. From my peripheral, I knew it was the company's CEO. I kept my eyes forward and followed the men's toilet code of conduct which was to not make any eye contact and to keep my mouth shut. The CEO kept his eyes forward but broke the subset rule. He said "Sup". The pressure of taking a whiz next to the CEO combined with my social anxiety confused my head. I decided to held in the remaining pee, washed my hands and left without saying a word. Once I became level headed, I thought it was awfully rude to not respond. I emailed the guy and said the following "Restroom Break. Oh yeah, Sup". After submitting the email, I realized that it was borderline sexual harassment. Not sure if this was coincidental but a week later, the whole company had a mandatory sexual harassment training. This never happened before.
I have not made any eye contact with him since. I hope I don't have to look for a new job.
[deleted]: I wonder if she'll let you Inspect-her Gadget?
sour_peach: I think you commented in the wrong TIFU
You want the one about pet names...
[deleted]: Wow how the fuck does that happen? I'm on mobile using reddit sync. No multiple tabs to be open or anything...
sour_peach: I guess your app must have fucked up somewhere along the line and got confused.
[deleted]: I guess. I'm baffled. Truly.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1404156534 | 1404159021 | t3_29hxxg | t5_2to41 | 11 | NoMoreShowers: Tifu by taking a shower.
My husband is deployed and will be for a very long time. I don't get to talk to him regularly through any media, not even email.
Well, this morning I went upstairs, plopped the kids in their bedroom and went to wash of the sweat, baby poop, and spit up. I left my phone downstairs charging.
I get out of the shower and I hear the familiar song playing that means that I am getting a phone call. (Let's Go to the Mall by Robyn Sparkles, if anyone is interested).
I pound down the stairs but I just miss the call. It was my husband calling. I try calling him back and texting him many times, but no answer. Texts are not returned and his phone goes straight to voicemail. He's gonna have so many missed calls and texts that it'll seem like I'm the crazy stalker kind of wife.
It could be awhile before I hear from him again.
Fuck.
a_guile: Ehh, you're already married. As far as stalkers go your husband could do worse.
MsBusty: I get it. Deployments suck. I always miss at least one phone call a
MsBusty: Damn phone posted for me.
Anyway, it stops becoming that big of a deal after a couple of Deployments.
Hang in there.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1404158107 | 1404163903 | t3_29i0pl | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by drowning my phone.
I woke up late for class this morning and went to check my phone to see why my alarm didn't go off to realize that the screen is completely soaked in liquid and won't turn on. Wtf? I didn't have any water? I didn't spill anything? I didn't pee the bed did I? Nope. I take my otterbox case off and the first thing I find is a puddle of the liquid and then I smell some nasty morning breath coming from this liquid. Yep. I fucking drooled all over my phone all night, completely ruining the phone and probably voiding any warranty I had on it.
TL;DR don't keep your phone by your face while you sleep.
gwallace1612: Please tell me you're in the UK. if you are I can help!
Miami69ers: No, Florida I'm afraid /:
gwallace1612: God damn :( that sucks man.did you take out any insurance? And aren't otter box cases waterproof?
Miami69ers: Update: My phone is still under warranty and I looked at the little indicator that says if water damaged it and the indicator was white (no water damage) so I'm sending it in to have it repaired or (hopefully) replaced :)
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1404158839 | 1404160615 | t3_29i1zd | t5_2to41 | 29 | Lynchie945389: TIFU by walking into the wrong room
Okay, this was actually last year July-ish but i've been waiting for a long time to tell it so here it goes. So I have this friend, lets call her Sarah. Sarah's parents go out of town so she decides to throw a huge party and invites all her hot friends. I can sense that one of them in particular, lets call her Kayla, is into me. So we pour shots, play a few rounds of pong, and proceed to get very wasted. One thing leads to another and before I know it, we are in a guest bedroom upstairs, lights off and most of our clothes off. I can tell that she wants to have sex, but I have to piss really badly. So I tell her i'll be right back and walk across the hall to the bathroom. Once I finish up, I start making my way back to the room. I open the door and slide back into bed. Kayla has become strangely quiet but I know she's there because I can see her figure in the dark under the covers. I thought she had fallen asleep and I wasn't that eager for sex anyway, so I figured we could spoon for awhile and fall asleep instead. Five minutes into the spoonfest, I turn the light on so I can find my phone on the nightstand. I glance over to the bed and my stomach drops to the floor. The girl in the bed isn't Kayla. Its Sarah's 14 year-old sister, fast asleep in her room. I'm 21 years old. To this day, I haven't told a soul.
tldr; Walked into the wrong room at a party. Ended up spooning with my friends 14 year old sister by accident.
bluebrandy: Are you sure she was asleep?
Lynchie945389: That thought has tortured me for the past year
bluebrandy: Don't worry, even if she wasn't she's probably too scarred by it to tell anyone.
Crazyfapman: Said the Priest...
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1404159418 | 1404319746 | t3_29i2wo | t5_2to41 | 15 | DeucesRWild: TIFU by copying an "off the record" chat with a friend into an email & then sending it to her
I have someone I've been friends with for over 5 years; it's a really important friendship to me, chatting online almost every day. Something happened on Friday where I inadvertently breached her trust over something that was objectively sort of innocuous. I didn't even realize I did it until Saturday when she called me on it... and I felt like crap all weekend.
Today while we are discussing that violation of trust, hoping to set things right, she changes the chat to "off the record" - she basically never does this. Sometimes I like to go over conversations, so I can look at them, try to learn from them. So what do I do? I copied the "off the record" chat into an email and - incredibly - I ACCIDENTALLY EMAIL IT TO HER.
"why did you send me that email?" she asked in chat.
I check my emails and holy crap, did that really happen? I immediately confessed, explained that the email was sent accidentally and tried to explain why. Understandably, she says it's weird, she doesn't feel comfortable... I don't even know what to say, all my words feel empty in light of my actions. Fuck me.
sour_peach: Are you using Jitsi, or Pidgin, or something else? - I know of others but I'm shit with names of things/people.
I know you can set Jitsi to save your chat history, including encrypted chats. One of my friends ONLY does off-the-record chatting, and I have our full chat history saved thanks to Jitsi.
DeucesRWild: I guess that's good advice, and it's not surprising that I'm not alone in trying to capture a chat that is off the record but, despite my screwup, I'm not really trying to figure out how to do this without getting caught in the future. Instead just sharing how I first violated trust by cutting and pasting and then, insanely, fucked up by emailing it to her!
sour_peach: I'm not sure keeping copies of the chat for your own records should be considered a violation of trust.
Just... don't use an email client for it. Use notepad or something similar (I use gedit) to keep a copy of it all.
VictoryDolphin: I'd say it is. Just because trust is a hard thing for me, and someone having a record of everything I've said to them is really not something I'm comfortable with. I'd probably just not talk to them if they where purposely saving the information.
sour_peach: Each to their own I guess... A topic for discussion I'd say, and certainly not something to be assumed.
DeucesRWild: In this case, our chat is never off the record. She made a point of taking it off the record, so copying it was a violation of trust. There wasn't anything particularly bad in what was said, but I can't pretend I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. Sounds like some of these programs will archive no matter what, so it might be best to assume that whatever you say might be archived in all circumstances.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1404161423 | 1404209752 | t3_29i6fo | t5_2to41 | 87 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing bdsm porn to my mom [NSFW]
This happened some time ago. Now, I've never been a big downloader of porn and I don't have any porn folders on my computer. What I do instead is bookmark streaming videos I like and I'll occasionally save a picture I like a lot. But because I'm an idiot I didn't save such photos in any specific place but rather randomly among my other files. I don't share my computer with anyone and it's password-protected so I didn't think it would ever be an issue. That's of course until I promptly forgot these pictures existed and decided to show my mother some photos I'd taken.
It should also be noted that my mom seems to be (from what I can tell) quite vanilla and/or sheltered. When the 50 Shades of Grey craze came along she didn't seem to understand the relationship they had in the book, for example.
Anyway, so I open the picture folder and randomly click on a file for God know's what reason (and I'll kick myself for that later). But then it of course shows up in the next column. We both freeze. Of all porn it could show it of course had to be this. It's a picture of a girl being taken doggy-style with tears running down her face. It's a really graphic and "disturbing" image. I freeze and it takes me a while to move to another picture.
I can tell it takes my mom a while to process what she's seeing because there's a significant delay before she does a double-take. We are both dead silent for a while. And then I cautiously move on to the photos I was actually going to show her and we never even mention it.
Needless to say I ended up reorganizing everything on my computer and deleting all porn. Never again.
TLDR: Showed "rape" porn to my mom, probable that she now believes I'm both a lesbian and potential serial killer.
theWongPlace: Reading through this, it never occurred to me that you're actually female..
mielove: Many people on Reddit tend to assume most posters are men until it's otherwise stated. ;) This is especially true when it comes to porn topics which I don't understand at all. I don't really discuss porn with people I know but I would be very surprised if most women didn't watch (or read) at least some type of porn. I know the vast majority of erotica writers I'm familiar with are female at least. :)
visacrum: Rule 29 states: In the internet all girls are men and all kids are undercover FBI agents.
Rule 30 states: There are no girls on the internet.
Sorry, either you can't be here, or you're a dude. Welcome to reddit either way bro!
Dittorita: Rule 29 and Rule 30 refer to the deep net (4Chan etc.).
Edit: Note the etc.
JulesWinnfeild123: Lol that's not the deepweb.
Edit: I don't give a shit about your etc I'm telling you 4chan is not a deepweb site, I've used/purchased shit from the deepweb many times and I'm telling you, 4chan is 100 percent clear net. Stop using the term deep web because you want to sound edgy.
Fackyoshiet: I'm pretty sure dark net markets and deep web are two different thing
ImKitsteR: Isn't the deep web and dark net and all that jazz un indexed info? Also don't you need to download a ton of crap to get on to them???
theeberk: tor...
| 9 | 9.666667 | |
1404161140 | 1404169582 | t3_29i5ws | t5_2to41 | 43 | crackerjackers: TIFU by squirming too much while getting fingered by the bf
So my boyfriend and I normally start things off the usual foreplay that eventually leads to some hot, heavy sex. But today, he wanted to try a new method of fingering. So still being new to the wonderful world of sex I let him, thinking that nothing would go wrong. He then began to finger me which felt a whole lot better than what he usually does. After a few mins into it he began to go down on me which felt even more amazing for me. Pure Bliss. Then I became a bit squirmy. Normally I get like this but this time was even worse because I started to shift my body a lot. As time goes on, he stops and I ask him why but he doesn't tell but shows me. Blood all over his fingers. I freaked out and got up from the bed and ran to the bathroom before anything could get on the bed. (There was a few stains that I left on the bed sheets fml) Anywho, I knew I didn't get my period because I gotten it the week before. A few mins in there he knocks on the door and opens it showing me a strand of who-knows-what on his bloody finger. He had told me it was flesh from my vagina from when he was fingering me that got caught between his nail. We then came to the conclusion that I squirmed too much and that his nail scratched my insides.
tl;dr: Boyfriend's fingering was so good that I squirmed too much and got left with a bloody vagina.
tatsuedoa: Here I was expecting vagina muscles breaking a finger.
RyanSH12: That'd be an awesome story to tell your buddies.
How did you break your finger(s)?
My gf's vagina muscles contracted and broke them!
tatsuedoa: Itd be a great day to be a nurse.
"So how did you break it sir?"
*gf lowers head*
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1404161345 | 1404182307 | t3_29i69n | t5_2to41 | 12 | wrenny20: TIFU by accidentally groping my driving instructor
I'm sat in the driver's seat happily driving along while my instructor is in the passenger seat giving me instructions. She tells my to change gear so I press the clutch down and reach for the gear stick... some how my hand misses the gear stick and ends up on her knee.
It takes me a couple of seconds too long to realise that my hand is on her leg, not the gear stick... I think I mumbled something along the lines of "that's not the gear stick..." changed gear properly, and spent the rest of the lesson blushing horribly.
Luckily we were driving home. I haven't mentioned it since, I'm hoping she's forgotten it ever happened.
[deleted]: Nice , was she hot ?it looks like she didn't complain either , so you go for it next time !!!
wrenny20: She's married with kids and I'm in a relationship, hahahaha
[deleted]: As if that ever stopped anyone ;-)
[deleted]: D:
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1404165169 | 1404252373 | t3_29icl1 | t5_2to41 | 87 | Spaceman-Quip: TIFU: I accidentally allowed my dick pics seen by a family member. [NSFW]
So I recently got a new iPhone after I broke my old one. The insurance covered it. So happy days. But since it was so darn easy to pick up my new hand set, I guess I was a little slap-dash with the set up. Usually when I am setting up devices and such I am very careful with what I allow to be updated on the cloud and what I keep private. My dad and myself share a Apple ID you see. I can assume you can see where this is going.
Earlier today I received and email:
Dad: ON MY IPAD I SEEM TO HAVE LOADS OF YOUR PICTURES AND FACEBOOK STUFF INCL BIRDS WITH THEIR JUGS OUT
"Shit!"
"If he has got those, he must have got others... Of my dick."
So I check my photos and there in the 'My photo stream' was a rather tasteful picture of my freshly shaved, fully erect penis.
"Oh fuck."
So I email him back. Hoping that maybe, just maybe he hadn't seen it.
Me (trying to play it cool): Shit. Sorry. I will take them down now. Enjoy...
I am nervous. My dad is a pretty cool laid back guy. But fuck!
So minutes later I get a reply.
Dad: u could have left the bird and taken off the bloke with a hard on..
maybe take off all your pics
I just didn't think I could be more embarrassed. Nothing could have prepared me for that email. Also he referred to the owner of the dick as a 'bloke'. Now I am thinking he is thinking that I might not only like women.
So I reply. Playing it cool again.
Me: well you have got to send some dick to get tits....
It turns out that I can't delete the the pictures on his iPad on from my phone. So there is probably more than just one picture there. I won't see him until Friday. And he doesn't know how to delete them. So until then he is carrying around an expensive electronic photo album of his sons dick.
TIL: iCloud put my dick pics on my dad's iPad.
ONeill117: Tl; dr, not til ;)
sour_peach: Technically, both are correct.
ONeill117: Yeah but technically, only one of them is the one he actually meant
Spaceman-Quip: Yes. Ok I am new. GeeeeZz
| 5 | 17.4 | |
1404166673 | 1404169210 | t3_29iez0 | t5_2to41 | 7 | CoreyTheGr8: TIFU by sleeping in way too late and missing a date
I asked a girl out last week for a date today (Monday.) I assumed we were going to go out in the evening and when I woke up I was going to solidify the time. But unfortunately my sleep schedule has bit more than messed up. I fell asleep at 5am but set my alarm for 11:30am. Again unfortunately I take sleeping pills to help me sleep and combined with the fact I'm a deep sleeper I did not wake enough to turn off my alarm.
I tend to sleepwalk to my alarm and shut it off then go back to bed without ever being consciously awake. So this morning I did that and turned it off and fell back asleep and late I truly woke up at 3pm.
I then checked my phone and she had texted me at (at 10:45am) if we could go bowling at 1pm. I texted her back saying I slept too late and missed her text and that I was sorry. But I missed it by 4 hours and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me now.
She can't do any other time later today and when I asked if she could reschedule she never responded. I have no idea how to reconcile this without making her madder at me.
Je0pardy: Yeah just relax. She will text you back later.
IdFeelBadForYouBut: If she doesnt, she's probably a bitch that isn't worth going out with anyways.
Voyager5555: But if she was the one who overslept she'd be a bitch not worth rescheduling for, right?
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1404167116 | 1404168334 | t3_29ifoi | t5_2to41 | 1 | 420poopking69: TIFU by making a DIARRHEA FOUNTAIN in my BRAND NEW HOUSE :OOO
So today I was moving into my new house, and since we were moving, I decided to eat the rest of the two month old shrimp that was in the fridge. Now normally I'm really allergic to shellfish BUT I'm also LACTOSE INTOLERANT so I figured if I drank the two week old gallon of milk in there the two allergens would fight it out.
Well, they did fight for sure, but instead of fighting eachother, they fought my BUTTHOLE!!! :OOO So, I'm moving boxes into my house, and I feel really sick and like I'm going to shit myself, but I figure its just the allergies fighting eachother. BUT. THEN. (more like butt then lol) I was lifting this box! And it was HEAVY! AND I SHIT EVERYWHERE :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SO MUCH SHIT :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT WAS A LITERAL FOUNTAIN OF ASS!!!!!!!! I TOOK OFF MY PANTS AND LAID DOWN AND GUESS WHAT.
THE SHIT. HIT. THE CEILING. NIGGAAAAAAA. :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THERE WAS SHIT ALL OVER THE CEILING AND WALLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSS :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THEN MY GIRLFRIEND CAME IN AND I SHIT ON HER TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
But I still hit up the pussy because bitches love a good family man.
DramDemon: No.
420poopking69: Hey did you just downvote this post? Are you fucking serious? I destroy my new home with totally epic shit waves and I can't even get some reddit gold? How about you go fuck yourself you worthless cocksucker, I'll spread your shit across the block. You'll be making a post in this subreddit called "TIFU by fucking with 420poopking69" and you know what? I'll downvote it too. Fucker.
DramDemon: Yes I downvoted this post dumbass. If you can't come up with a story that at least KIND OF seems real, don't post it. Nobody is going to give you gold for this shit.
MehraMilo: Shhh. Don't feed the troll. You'll just give it more digestive problems to regale us with.
420poopking69: I'm not a troll you little dickass, do you just not believe the amount of shit that I produced if so read the part where I said i'm lactose intolerant milk gives me diarhhea asshole stop being a jerk
| 6 | 0.166667 | |
1404162492 | 1404237982 | t3_29i89x | t5_2to41 | 19 | wreck_tangle82: TIFU by leaving a co-worker a note at work that said “DIE”
This happened about 4 yrs ago. I work in an emergency department, and during the night shift, when things slow down and 0400 boredom-weirdness sets in, my friends and I come up with stupid ideas. This time, we cut out letters from a magazine and taped them on an 8x10 paper. All that was written out was a person’s name and the word DIE. Having already left 2 to other people, while they were on shift, we giggled that we should leave one for someone working the following evening shift. We look through the assignment sheet, and pick a slightly slow but very sweet co-worker.
We taped in to the desk she was going to work at, and giggled all the way home. That night shift, I showed up first as I work a 12 hr shift, and saw the victim of our prank.
Wreck_tangle82: Hey! Did you get any interesting mail today?
Co-worker (turns pale): Guess what. Someone left me a note that said die. I was so disturbed by it. I’ve just had 3 close family members die, and I can’t believe it. I almost went to the police with that note. Did you leave it???
Wreck_tangle82: ooooohh no! I’m so sorry! It was a joke!! (completely embarassed as other co-workers are watching this)
Co-worker: please don’t play jokes on me like that anymore. I’ve had too much death around me lately *teary eyed*
polishgravy: You have a terrible sense of humor. Michael Scott-like, inappropriate and not funny.
wreck_tangle82: It comes from many years of working in the emergency department, we eventually get a dark sense of humor. My husband always says to me "how would you feel if your actions were on the 6pm news"
Well. Not good.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1404169081 | 1404232531 | t3_29iiwm | t5_2to41 | 324 | 32lateralus: TIFU by taking some benadryl [NSFW]
After soccer practice I am very tired and having some terrible allergies due to the crappy dry arizona grass I was playing on. I decide to pop some Benadryl and call it a night since the med makes me sleepy. Some time passes and I go brush my teeth before bed and go to pee. I cannot fucking pee. I sit down in a panic and try to calm myself but I keep pushing and really have to go, but it is met with sharp pain and even greater panic. I yell for my dad and decide we need to go to the hospital since I have to burst like a hydrant and am now in great pain. 30 min pass in the waiting room and I am in tears when they take me back. They get me prepped and say I need a catheter. At this points I give zero fucks. They lube it up and start shoving it in (not as bad as I thought). Until halfway through it stops and I am hit with razor sharp pain in my dickhole. I am clenching the bed and yelling when they remove the cath and my dicktip leaks blood and lube. They all look confused and get higher up guy to come in. He acts all macho and know-it-all and reshoves the tube into my penis. This time when it stops he gives it a few good shoves to get it through. Nope. I am writhing in pain and the nurses are saying need to calm down or I'll pass out (I could only hope at this point). He removes the cath and more globs of blood come out. Confused they run and get me some pain meds. When they shoot me up, I am on a cloud and finally, in great relief, piss blood and urine all over myself. I lay in sweet bliss as they help clean me.
I am sent home. Mom buys me pads to wear cause of my dick period from whatever they tore up in there. Doc scopes me following day and says I have built up tissue in my peehole that has been slowly restricting flow until benadryl clenched it. I get surgery where they slice open my gooch and splice out the urethral section with the built up tissue stricture. Doc pulls out blood draining gooch tube while I am awake. Not Chill. Wear pee bag on leg with cath in dick for two weeks in highschool, forced to wear sweatpants. All is well, nothing but memories and a gooch scar.
All my friends now say I have a crooked dick and call me Cpt. Hook.
[deleted]: Nobody should have to experience that. NOBODY. I'm terrified of peeing now.
entfromhoth: which part? the catheter? lots of people get those... i see it daily. you'll probably get one at some point in your life.
[deleted]: Nah, I was referring to the whole "feeling like you're gonna burst but can't pee" followed by being rushed to the ER then having a catheter jammed up your pee hole multiple times until you finally evacuate piss and blood all over yourself.
entfromhoth: ok yeah me too
| 5 | 64.8 | |
1404169892 | 1404190219 | t3_29ik93 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Antinaxtos: TIFU by asking my gf of only 4 weeks to shave her bush
Harlequinphobia: Never tell a girl to do that, you have to get your point across creatively. I once dated a girl who had a crazy bush, and I just wouldn't go down on her. I never said why, and she told me many times she loved it when a guy did that to her. After many sexy sessions and no muff diving she finally got the hint and shaved it clean. I gladly ate the heck out of her then. Subtlety my friend, works every time. On a side not the older I got I actually found that I like a landing strip or even a little bit of hair there, I find it very sexy now.
Antinaxtos: Thing is we already discussed what we liked and when the matter of hair down there came up i told her i like it clean :/
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404171737 | 1404172197 | t3_29in62 | t5_2to41 | 2 | alky999: TIFU by drinking
The I wrote nasty messages to the girl that my boyfriend cheated on me with. He went to her house with wine and she crawled into his lap. I got drunk today and basically wrote on her facebook wall telling her to "fuck herself".
[deleted]: still drunk?
alky999: coming around
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1404166463 | 1404243301 | t3_29ienc | t5_2to41 | 198 | fairfieldbordercolli: TIFU by going to the beach and not paying attention...
So today I decided to take the dogs to the beach. Living near miles and miles of coastline, it's not hard to find a spot to do this.
I ended up finding a spot that is usually full of people but for some reason was empty. Just thinking it was my lucky day, I let the dogs out of the van and off they ran down to the beach. With floating toy in hand, I ventured down the rocks onto the beach below.
What I failed to notice was the pile of rotten sea grass at the base of the rocks. This went along the entire length of the beach area and was about 15 feet long. If you took a casual glance, it looked like it was just sitting on top of the sand.
I had to hop down onto this trap from the last rock. By then it was too late. The dogs had no problem running across this as they are much lighter than I was. I however went into the abyss. This stuff was nearly three feet deep. I went as deep as the knees.
Normally I wouldn't really think this was a big deal. But have you ever smelled rotting sea grass? The top layer was dry and camouflaged the horrors that were about to violate my sinus cavities.
Once I broke through and came to a stop the smell hit me. Words cannot describe the stench. I would have rather fallen into a vat of raw sewage than into this mess. The combination of rotting shellfish, seaweed and who knows what was in that mess set off every instinctual flight response one could have.
It was at this point when I realized, I was stuck. My feet are locked into this revolting cement like mixture that had me firmly caught in it's clenches.
At this time, I should mention that the dogs seriously did not give a fuck about my predicament and continually brought me the toy to throw into the water.
I fortunately had a pocket knife on me. I began to painstakingly cut chunk after chunk of rotting seaweed out from around my feet. After a few minutes someone stopped by and asked if I needed help. They went and got a ladder for me to use to try and get out with.
We got the ladder set up and I attempted to get out of the muck. I had cut away enough muck so that I got my first foot free. Using the ladder for leverage I pulled with everything I had to free my other foot. With a loud sucking and pop noise, my foot popped out of it prison, bring with it a large amount of the nastiest, foulest smelling decomposed matter on the planet, sending it flying directly up into my nose and open mouth.
In approximately 1.2833 seconds, my body went into complete survival mode. I proceeded to power puke what I truly believe was everything I ate for the past month in one horrendous, apparently awe inspiring hurl. It it would have been towards the water, it would have probably cleared the rest of the seaweed. However, being at about at 45 degree angle, this impressive pile of vomit went straight up, and came straight back down.
I am now coated from the knees down with rotten seaweed, and pretty much from the waist up in vomit that consisted of the lovely steak and Ceasar salad that I had consumed for lunch beforehand.
Yeah. Fuck the beach.
fucks_equal_zero: power puke is my new favorite phrase.
right behind power black-out.
i_go_to_uri: xanax + power hour = power blackout
WaylandC: Drugs aren't cool, kids.
ferk00: are too
| 5 | 39.6 | |
1404178700 | 1404228273 | t3_29ixsj | t5_2to41 | 136 | flippinglikebirds: TIFU by texting in the nude
This just happened a few minutes ago and I figured that I would use my embarrassment for the good and share it with you all! Let me preface this by saying that I am a teenaged girl, so my parents are automatically inclined to be wary of me misusing my phone, if you know what I mean. Especially since they're very conservative, Christian people.
Anyway, I just came inside from running and naturally I changed out of my sweaty clothes. I had tossed my phone on my bed when I walked in and I heard it buzz, so I layed on my bed to check it. As I was replying to the text, my mom walked in without warning which, of course, startled me and made me look even more suspicious.
So there I am, laying on my bed in my birthday suit with my phone in front of me. It takes a moment for my mom to put two and two together, but when she realizes what she believes I was doing, she goes absoutely berzerk. I quickly clothed myself and tried to explain that I was simply replying to a text, all to no avail. I had to endure a long talk with both mom and dad about having respect for yourself and being "different" in a world of sinners. Oh the joys of strict Christian upbringing.
TL;DR Mom caught me texting naked on my bed and assumed I was sending nudes to strangers on the internet.
Edit: paragraphs
Makeithappencapt: but lets be honest you know you have "misused" your phone
flippinglikebirds: They didn't even suspect me until now :(
Makeithappencapt: so your admitting to the misuse OP?
keep in mind once you send it it's out there forever be careful.
flippinglikebirds: I would like to plead the fifth.
MikeOxsbig: [FIF](http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me62nhK9p91qlsrn9o1_500.gif)
flippinglikebirds: I pleed tha fif!
I miss the Chappelle show so much.
| 7 | 19.428571 | |
1404178360 | 1404184229 | t3_29ixaa | t5_2to41 | 7 | ghost_warfare: TIFU by trying to have some me time [NFSW]
My friends and I had an wonderful idea to go camping for like 1 and a half weeks. I thought it wasn't going to be all bad since I love going camping. It was my friend, his sister, (which she will come up later in the story so lets call her Kate) Myself, and our other friend. So anyways, My friend (fake name) Dan got a camper its not a bad size enough to fit the 4 of us. We get the camper and haul it off to the camp site we have paid for and once we got there we set it up. Well, Dan and Kevin (again fake name) went to the to pick up some things that we needed. Now here comes the good part. I thought the Kate went with them to get some supplies, so I'm alone in a camper and the store is about 2 and a half hours away I'm going to get bored. so, I went on my phone and looked for a good porn video to watch while I waste some time. In the meanwhile Kate was walking around and dedicated to come inside. My first mistake was not locking the damn door. Now I'm in the middle of my masturbation and she walks in and see me on the bed cranking it while watching a video. Now I was going to think she was going to hate me and shocked because I'm doing this. but she said something I would never thought of "is there room for me..." Now I'm in shocked, I knew she kinda had a thing for me a few years ago but I just didn't expect this. So, I didn't turn this option down because she a few years younger then me and sexy I said "yes" and now you have her on top of me and moaning. Second mistake saying yes, because its already been a few hours since I'm picky about my porn videos. and we heard the car lock and footsteps but at this point we didn't care because I was about to finish in her, and as her brother walks in and drops everything she gets off me and screams and my jizz hits the wall. After we got dress he was mad at me because he can't believe I could do such a thing to him since we were like brothers. So now I'm waiting to be picked up by a old friend who lives by to spend the night at his house.
Chazsk8r88: Like brothers... Making her your sister? Does that mean incest was the best?
idunnowhatimdoinglol: Wincest.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404159636 | 1404216795 | t3_29i39x | t5_2to41 | 12 | DesuLeaf: TIFU by going to ZapZone
I'm a Jr. Counselor at a local day camp, and once a month we go to ZapZone for a few hours and have oodles of laser blasting fun. The car that I share with my brother was in the shop, so my dad allowed me to borrow his electric car for the day.
Now here's where it gets interesting. During previous trips to the magical laser gun fighting arena, we had gone to the nearby ZapZone which was only about 5 miles away. However, the camp director had decided we would go to the one 23 miles away. When I was told this I thought to myself, "The car says it has 70 miles left, so I'm sure a round trip won't be a problem." Well guess what, the Nissan Leaf is a fucking liar. After just that short 23 miles, I arrive to see that I only have 16 miles remaining. You may think "DesuLeaf, you should just be able to fill up the tank and be on your way right?" No young reader, not right. Remember, this is an electric car that does not accept any kind of gasoline.
So, I do the sensible thing and look up nearby charging stations in order to get enough energy to go home. And this is where fuck up number 2 happens.
The nearest charging station is about 9 miles away, so I leave the laser tag early so I have time to charge. When I arrive there, nothing.
So I call my dad (who didn't know I was that far away, nor did he permit me to ever be that far away) and tell him I can't find it. Turns out, this charging station is within the parking lot of Delta airplane research facilities. I did not know that it was in there, nor did I know that it was highly secured with it's own guards and computer checkpoints. So after a full hour of panic attacks and crying on the phone with my dad, he formulates a plan. I'll admit, I haven't the biggest fan of my dad lately. We've been getting into a shit ton of arguments lately, but he saved me big time. He finds a small charging station just 2.5 miles away from me.
So I drive, and just as I pull in, the car dies. At this point I think, "now we just wait for a quick charge and I'm out of here." But no, this kind of charge takes 4 HOURS! So now I'm sitting on the inside of the car with the trunk popped open, waiting for my aunt to save me as my parents gear up to collect me later.
Today I fucked up, big time.
rodrigoex2: Should've used lasers to energize the car,fucked up three times
DesuLeaf: This is why I can't have nice things
| 3 | 4 | |
1404182366 | 1404187599 | t3_29j39u | t5_2to41 | 11 | thelanguageoflyrics: TIFU by getting a UTI
My SO and I have recently started to "get it on." In this time very little has occurred to cause a hitch. Might I also mention that this is my first sexual relationship, so beyond him I have no experience. Now, I do still live with my parents, and am under their rules. The unfortunate part to this is when, on Saturday morning, I woke up with a UTI. What's more, I didn't recognize it, and figured it was normal every now and then.
Now, my mother has been very protective of me. I tell her everything, so when I suspected a urinary tract infection, I was conflicted. She would suspect me right away, and think/know what I had been doing. I did not want to withhold this information either, as it is something affecting me, and beyond that is dangerous.
So I told her, just now, and told her some well-devised reason from the top of my head. Bad part was that she knows exactly what causes them, and pointed out my flaws in logic. Theeeennnn, well, she gave me this very speculative, judging, knowing, hoping-it-better-not-be look, and I knew she was onto my lack of innocence.
I mean damn, mother, how did I get here, some angel told you you'd have a baby and name it Salmon? I don't think so, and just wish she would give me the ability and resources to make independent, safe decisions on what to do with my body.
But back to my story, one fact about me is I can't make eye steady contact in a comfortable situation; this one was like having your dog sniff your underwear and then sigh happily. My eyes were watching an invisible fly, and boy was it buzzing around. She then said my least favorite sentence: "I know of another cause for them, which you should **not** be doing..." To this I played very dumb, and it was miraculously successful. I waited in thought for a few seconds, made a realization face, and said, "No..." but when I said that my eyes were deadlocked with hers, to add conviction. I am a liar, apparently an adulterer, and should go to an island in Hell where the sun is my mom and I'm always burnt.
TL;DR: deflowered, infected, suspected, dejected. I'm an awful daughter with Christian parents who won't let me live my life.
Fluffiticus: "...what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
Ticklemypicklee: A simple no would have been just fine but okay...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1404182935 | 1404187504 | t3_29j417 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Thenot_so_Mini_Gamer: tifu by trying to sympathize with a parking lot scammer.
Yes, this did happen today, for both of you who care.
Ok, so I had to run to target after work to pick up some birthday cards for my mothers birthday. Now I have a relatively nice car, a 2008 Mini Cooper to be exact, not exacally new but it's in great condition so people easily mistake it for say a 2011, 2012 model. So a Mexican guy comes up to me and says hey nice car. My car isn't very popular around where I live so I get a lot of people who stop me to talk about my different looking car so this didn't seem that odd to me.
Of course not 2 seconds after him saying this and getting my attention, he changes the subject. "Ya know I used to fix up cars." "Oh really" I say, "that's nice". So he talks to me about how he can suit up my car and make it run faster and look cooler. Alright, fine I guess but I decline and say my car is just fine.
"Oh no no no, please" he says, "my children, they need a place to stay tonight and I have no money's" and like fucking clockwork, he turns and points to a car, and as he turns, the windows roll down to show 4 kids looking all sad eyes at me.
My god! It's so obvious what you're doing it HURTS!!!
So now that I know the real motive here I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this while still retaining my humanity. So I say to him "ok, I don't want you to do anything to my car! But, I will give you ten bucks. Do whatever you want with it, but don't go near me, or my car ever again!"
"Oh oh thank you!" He said "thank you!" So in my head I'm like alright whatever so I pull out my wallet just to give him some damn money so he'll leave me alone and here's where I REALLY fuck this up.
I pull out a ten and there's a 20 next to it, so I separate them in my one hand and put out my hand for him to take, I had the ten in my 2 fingers and the 20 folded up in my palm.
He starts furiously giving me and handshake saying "thank you oh thank you kind soul!" And skips off to the van with the already open door and they literally did a burnout running out of the parking lot.
Look down in my hand and what do I see, we'll ill tell you what I DIDN'T SEE.
The fucker took the 20 when he was shaking my hand so now I'm out 30 bucks!
Fuuuuuck me! This is what I get for trying to be nice.
[deleted]: At least he actually had some kids with him. When they approach me, the kids are always around the corner or a couple blocks away in a broken down car. I'm always like "suuuuuure they are".
Thenot_so_Mini_Gamer: Ha! Very true. What I'm still laughing about is how it was so obviously planned. He second he turned to the car the windows rolled down like clockwork to what he was saying.
Aritstol: I want a Mini so bad. Do you love it?
Thenot_so_Mini_Gamer: Words cannot describe how much I love and enjoy that little beast of a car! The best part is when you turn on sport mode and turn off ACS and drive like there's no tomorrow.
Although I find myself looking out for cops a lot more often. It's easy to get carried away in a mini. :D
Aritstol: Do you have a Mini Cooper S?
Thenot_so_Mini_Gamer: Yes I do :)
[picture of when I first got it](http://i.imgur.com/01VYP8w.jpg)
[more recent picture, but with horrid lighting](http://m.imgur.com/HgpfGSi)
Aritstol: I love it. I am shooting for a black and yellow S. I want to put a autobot symbol on it and tell everyone it is Bumblebees little brother.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1404159159 | 1404197226 | t3_29i2ho | t5_2to41 | 16 | MicahsRedditAccount: TIFU by letting someone who has never driven before… drive my car.
she drove the car, hopped a curb, then through a fence and it was hanging halfway over a little hill/ravine. in my defense, we were in a parking lot, so i figured "what's the worst that could happen?" The worst did not happen (we could have barreled down that little ravine) but the humility of calling my mom will never be lived down.
mothers_butt_muncher: Did said person have a license to drive your car?
MicahsRedditAccount: ....no. See "who has never driven before..."
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1404182215 | 1404184465 | t3_29j31r | t5_2to41 | 6 | Spenerwill: TIFU by cuming in my face.
So last night I was feeling the need to jerk off so I went to my room shut the door pulled off my pants and sat down to jerk off to some sweet sweet /r/NSFW_HTML5. So I was getting into it, just normal jerking off stuff and as I reached climax my dick was tilted just enough back that my cum shot straight up into my face and some into my mouth. Not fun.
No throwaway because fuck it
SundevilPD: If you haven't done this multiple times in your life, you just aren't cumming enough.
IdFeelBadForYouBut: Never got it in my mouth, but otherwise this is the unfortunate truth.
| 3 | 2 | |
1404182793 | 1404200701 | t3_29j3v7 | t5_2to41 | 139 | AnusCutter: TIFU by getting a papercut in my asshole.
This happened about 10 minutes ago.
So I was sitting on the toilet, doing my business. It was one of those shits where I knew it was gonna be like wiping a marker when I finished. When I was done, I reached to my left and my stomach dropped: there's no toilet paper.
I calm down however because my bathroom is attached to my bedroom, and I have a back-up tissue box on my desk. So, pants off, I waddle to my desk only to find that the tissue box is empty.
Now it's a crisis.
I can't put my pants back on, because I would get shit all over them (this was a bad one). Therefore, I can't go downstairs to get toilet paper because my whole family is down there watching TV. Including my extended family, who have only the highest expectations for me. This also rids of the last resort option to yell for help.
Time to improvise.
I look around my room, only to find nothing of value to my current situation. I lower my standards and look again. Then I see it, right next to my printer. Computer paper.
Now I realize this probably wasn't the best course of action, but you have to understand. Desperate times call for desperate means.
I get a couple sheets of my new toilet paper and head back to the toilet. It takes a lot, and it hurts like a bitch, but finally it seems I am almost done. Then the worst possible thing happens. I slide a piece of paper a bit too fast at the wrong angle. Searing hot pain shoots up from my asshole- I just got a papercut on my asshole. I wipe one last time, man the fuck up and pull my pants on, go downstairs and get the real toilet paper, and finish up.
So now I'm half crying, half laughing because I'm an idiot, sitting on the toilet with my bleeding asshole trying to stop it.
Oh, and the computer paper won't flush.
doobymonster: Next time I suggest you hop in the shower rinse of real quickly, then go explain the situation to everyone down stairs so they don't have any misconceptions about hearing the shower running. Also everyone would have a good laugh at your expense.
SirWupdy: Is... is taking a shower bad enough that you have to explain it?
VictoryDolphin: Oh yeah man, if you shower, it means you're actually doing drugs... everyone does heroin in the shower. Didn't you know? damn. Your family must resent you.
SirWupdy: Oh :(
| 5 | 27.8 | |
1404184239 | 1404185759 | t3_29j5wh | t5_2to41 | 3 | Mchotfoot: Tifu in what my friends refer to as the hot sauce incident.
IdFeelBadForYouBut: You have a far more interesting life than I.
Mchotfoot: Is that a good thing cuz I can't fucking tell.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404181272 | 1404185600 | t3_29j1oq | t5_2to41 | 21 | adamweaver43: TIFU by trapping myself inside of a fridge.
So obviously this happened when I was very young and could actually fit inside a fridge. So a little backstory, I was visiting my dad's house (divorced parents) without my brothers because they had some sort of appointment. (It was a while ago I don't remember.) So basically it was really early in the morning and my dad was still asleep in his room. So little ol' me walks into the kitchen to make some breakfast, when all of a sudden the ultimate riddle pops into my head.
**Does the light in the fridge turn off when you close the door?**
This took a mere 2 seconds to embed itself deep into my puny 6 year old mind. So obviously the only logical solution was to climb inside the fridge and close the door. We didn't have much in there so I just moved some stuff and climbed right in and shut the door. Immediately I said to myself "Well the light turned of and now it is very dark." However this fridge wasn't exactly brand new, by which I mean it was older than me and my brothers combined. The door was rusty, I couldn't get it to open from the inside. I ended up sitting in there for about 10 minutes before I kicked the door as hard as I could and got it to open. In retrospect it wasn't that big of a deal but at the time I had no idea how long I was gonna spend inside that thing.
*TL;DR I wanted to know if the fridge light turned off when the door closed and purposely put myself inside an old fridge.*
[](/fluttershyhide)
OO_Crayon: *Indy you know those things are death traps!*
adamweaver43: I'm not even a big fan of those movies but that made me laugh. XD
| 3 | 7 | |
1404187428 | 1404198046 | t3_29jac5 | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating on my parents bed
Well, this was technically a couple of years ago, but I've just had the courage to share this.
I live with my parents and my sister, and at that time we also had a full time maid staying with us. The maid used to sleep on the living room floor.
So anyway, it was late at night. My mom and sister were out of town. My aunt had come over for a few days like she does every summer, and my dad had gone to drop her to the train station. So basically, I had the house to myself. Except the maid.
Since it was late, the maid was asleep in the living room. Well, that's when I had the temptation any teenage boy with raging hormones does. To masturbate.
Since my parents weren't home, I decided to use my parents bedroom for a change (I always loved their bed. It was more luxurious in some way).
I entered their room and closed the door. I decided to not lock it like I usually do, cause you know, the maid was asleep, and my dad would ring the bell when he came home anyways. I jumped on the bed, removed my pants and started jerking off comfortably on the bed at a slow pace. Well... Cause no one was coming for a long time.
I was deeply involved in the exercise, enjoying the pleasures of my manhood when suddenly the door opened.
Now, just let me tell you that the door opens directly to the bed. I freaked the hell out, thinking it was the maid.
It was much worse. It was my dad. He must've used the keys to enter, and not made a single sound (my dad is like batman).
"What're you doing naked..." He said before he realized. His eyes widened in horror. I jumped like I've never jumped before and covered myself with a blanket and... I don't know why I did this, but pretended to be asleep. I didn't utter a single word... And so didn't my dad. I couldn't move under the blanket out of shock on what had happened. Worse, my pants were still around my ankles. My dad went out of the room to the kitchen, and I wore my pants and pretended to be asleep again. It was the worse night of my life. My dad played cool and never mentioned it the next day. But Needless to say, I couldn't look into his eyes for a long, long time.
Sometimes when I wish, I wish I could delete this memory from my dad's mind.
TL;DR: Parents not at home, masturbated in their room with door unlocked, BatDad enters room, embarrassment ensues.
[deleted]: I'm more interested in the fact that you have a maid that sleeps on the living room floor.
themodestninja: It's pretty common where I'm from.
[deleted]: Did you pay her or was her payment having somewhere to live?
themodestninja: Both.
[deleted]: That's pretty interesting, coming from a country where this is unheard of. Thanks for the insight!
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1404190118 | 1404222786 | t3_29jdum | t5_2to41 | 9 | coaster6: TIFU by booking a special private tour for my family
I just got back from the craziest trip of my life. I was on a family vacation in Mexico and we were staying in a nice resort. I thought it would be a good idea to book us a private tour of the ruins in Tulum. Tulum was 30inuyes away from our resort and it was just our family. Now, none of us speak any Spanish and it took us about 20 minutes into the trip the drives was Spanish ONLY, so the company, which was not part of the resort, must've screwed up. this wouldn't been a problem if the guy knew where he was going. A huge sign told us that we were near Tulum, but he just kept driving. Eventually he pulls up to, and I shit you not, a MILITARY BASE in the middle of Mexico. By this time we have my mom and brothers crying in the car. I honestly thought we were being abducted and being used as lab rats for some Mexican Human Centipede or whatever. anyway, the guy eventually got his directions and we spent the rest of the day in Tulum with an English tour guide, awaiting the ride home, TL;DR I booked a special tour for my family and ended up in a Spanish speaking military base.
DavidGoesBananas: Did you get out of the car or talk to anybody at the military base?
coaster6: No we stayed in while the driver went out.
| 3 | 3 | |
1404191391 | 1404291918 | t3_29jfcv | t5_2to41 | 13 | Jager55: TIFU? by sleeping with my receptionist.
So I work for a ICT consulting company in Washington and am one of a few people there under the age of 40 ( I am 27 ). Now in the last 13 months I have been with the company I have been very well behaved. I hadn't slept with anyone from the company while they worked at the company ( small office maybe like 60 people ) and have been pretty good about keeping proclivity for chasing skirt to myself (nothing more cliche then a womanizing sales executive).
Now at work I share the office with Rachel our marketing lady (nice 25 year old who is very religious) we are good friends. Now one with the engineers in our robotics division Dan has a crush on her and they play husband and wife in the office (why they do this I have no idea I know?? I mean I know he likes her but she is Greek Orthodox and wants to date in that circle), when our new receptionist Beth who is really nice 21 year from my home town who also happens to be very intelligent, beautiful and funny (Yeah... Danger will Robinson!!! Danger!!!) now the problem started when Rach and Beth became friends and Beth and I got labelled as the new office couple (an idea I was note a fan off for obvious reasons).
Well I did my best to laugh it off alas it stuck (I think people enjoyed the fact it made me uncomfortable... Bastards lol). So she came to a party I held and I tried my best to make sure nothing happened, I told her we should just be friends and even tried to set her up with one of my friends. However last Friday as we went out for dinner had a few drinks and I suggested we go back to mine (yeah I am weak, but in my defense she is really cute) and things went from there.
Now we are both adults and neither one of us wants it to be public knowledge, At the moment we are just being really friendly (lots of chats and emails) I am sure we could just keep it at that level and it would all be fine however I am tempted to go back. I am afraid that if it comes to light it will reflect badly on me (office headlines read: innocent bubbly receptionist seduced by asshole sales exec).
Is this a TIFU situation?
Update: I have decided to keep sleeping with her. I couldn't stand the idea of walking past that every day and knowing I had passed up on it. Probably the wrong decision but at-least it will keep life interesting.
RiPre: you are 27
she is 21
So?
What is wrong in such a relationship? Just keep it all professional at work, but openly date. So nobody can tell stories behind your back. No gossiping as it is all open. Do not hide it. Have lunch together. Enjoy each others company.
6romperstomper9: Here's a tip. Invite Beth and Rachel out. Whatever you did to get Beth back to your place and out of her clothes, do it again!
But do not tell Dan. Never tell Dan - Loose lips sink ships.
Report back to us though.........
Jager55: Now my friend why would I invite Rachel out when I invite Beth out? Surely that would just complicate matters?
6romperstomper9: It's called a 3 way champ! But in your case, I kinda understand the logic behind your question.
6romperstomper9: And dude, because you asked me why you should ask both chicks out on the same night.... I reiterate - DO NOT TELL DAN!!!!!!!!!
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1404192404 | 1404221356 | t3_29jgle | t5_2to41 | 60 | m00nshad0w17: TIFU by peeing in a mall in front of everyone.
Much like many other fuckups mine was not today but in fact a long time ago. When I was about seven my mom took me to the mall for some shopping. After a while we were growing pretty hungry so we proceeded to procure some food from one of the vendors in the mall cafeteria. Now, me being a small kid with an even smaller bladder needed to use the restroom after a longish excursion at the mall. Attempting to find the restrooms I looked around to no avail. Thus, I called upon the great wisdom of my mother as to where I could relieve myself. She, who's was distracted by something at the moment, pointed at the restrooms. However, from my vantage point, where she pointed was not towards a restroom, but instead a potted plant. Confused, I asked her if she was sure that was the restroom. She nodded her head and proceeded to carry on doing whatever she was doing. Now me, a obedient soldier, believed her every command, and so with complete faith in her directions I headed over to the plant..... And peed in it..... In front of about a hundred people who were also eating in said cafeteria. Now and only now was it that my mother discovered her mistake when she looked up and saw my golden streams breathing life upon the plant... After that we basically left the mall, my mother in shame, me in confusion, and didn't come back for a loooooooong time.
tldr As a little boy I peed in a potted plant in a mall cafiteria in front of about a hundred people....
radjeck: Hey, [it could have been worse] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBjiY56plus).
iworshipsatinfabric: The music was what really made that beautiful
pez_dispens3r: Oh my god, totally. If not for the music I would have felt embarrassed for him, but instead I was rooting for him.
| 4 | 15 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.