start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1404192816 | 1404260564 | t3_29jh2x | t5_2to41 | 9 | Rotkreuz: TIFU by tipping too generously.
So let me preface my story by saying that I had a horrible nights sleep. I woke up at 2am and unable to go back to sleep, so when we go out to happy hour at 5pm I am feeling tired already.
Between me and my girlfriend we drank 7 drinks and an appetizers totaling a 44$ bill. Her mother had slipped me a 20$ earlier to pay for drinks so I indulged a little.
Once we are done, the bartender takes my credit card and my 20$ and asks "how would you like this charged?"
What I wanted to say was "20 towards the bill and the rest on my card."
What came out instead was "20 to the tip, rest on my card."
I had not realized what transpired until my girlfriend laughed and pointed it out. So I paid for a 44$ bill and tipped the bartender 20$.
I felt like a total jackass the rest of the day.
red4jjdrums5: That's pretty much my standard when I'm at the bar, around 50%, so I see no fuck up. It's a nice thing to do, and if you go back and they remember you, they do give you quicker service.
burnouts: I dunno where you live/what you drink, but 50% on all bar tabs sounds completely crazy to me
red4jjdrums5: A block or two away from the Yuengling brewery, so it's not too expensive. Still, I pay for two meals and a six pack. My beer is always at my seat when I sit down though...
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1404195859 | 1404226933 | t3_29jkg3 | t5_2to41 | 19 | rgriggs98: TIFU By Wiping my Hard Drive and my Windows 8
Well reddit, today it was I who f'd up.
I am a frequent of AskReddit, as are most redditors. I happened to come across the AskReddit about cool programs and saw the comment about virtual box. When I saw it, I thought, "Cool, I I'm going to run Ubuntu in a virtual machine!"
After a while with virtual Ubuntu, I hungered for a better Ubuntu experience. "I know, I'll just dual boot Windows 8 and Ubuntu." This is where things went downhill.
I somewhere along the line royally screwed up, and Ubuntu installed to my regular C drive, over Windows, instead of the partition I made. Then I had no windows, and Ubuntu which I realized is very hard to use unless you know what you're doing or have some time to mess around. I wiped Ubuntu and now I've got an empty hard drive in my laptop.
The worst part is, I tried to make a recovery disk when I got the computer but I couldn't get it to work so I gave up.
I guess I'm going to revert to factory reset Windows 7 from an old laptop's recovery disk.
burnht: Got rid of Windows 8? Chalk that up as a win.
cailancook: Windows 8.1 isn't half-bad... Sure it takes some getting used to and by no means is as stable as Windows 7, but it's a nice change and compliments everything quite nicely. I'm getting used to it after switching from Windows 7.
Bolusop: Got a Surface Pro. Couldn't disagree more. Windows 8 is beyond repair and has the worst user experience of basically any Windows I've ever used. Tried to install Ubuntu, but the drivers for that machine are a mess and Windows 7 won't install at all, so I'm stuck with it. Every day I hate it more.
cailancook: I dunno, maybe it's just me but always feel like a desktop experience is far superior to a tablet experience, despite Windows 8 being designed for touch-screen interfaces.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1404202623 | 1404241339 | t3_29jqff | t5_2to41 | 35 | MrGodsgiven: TIFU by (probably) killing someones dog.
Okay, this was actually about a year ago but i remembered this when reading the pineapple shit incident story.
A while back I was house-sitting for my sisters friend and taking care of this 14 year old black Labrador named Kyle. Well when I was living there i had a wonderful lady friend who would sometimes come over with dinner and snacks. One day she brought over one of [these](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DloIx9nSMlk/Up5JTQcBq8I/AAAAAAAAYoM/jfg7x4s8OjI/s640/Small-Chocolatiers-Table-1.jpg) only about four times larger.
Anyway fast forward a couple of days and the chocolates (mostly untouched) have been left on the coffee table. After my lady friend and I had worked a long shift together and were getting ready for some seriously good sexy times, we returned to the house to find the box on the floor with only about 10 chocolates left scattered about the house. We rushed Kyle to the emergency vet and watched him puke them all up.
To cut a long story short, I took Kyle to and from the vet for about two weeks, spent $450 on the bills and spoonfed the dog plain foods that it had no interest in eating only to return him to his owners barely able to walk still.
TL;DR: -one dog -$450 + 1 blue balls for me
WhollyUninterested: My dog once ate a whole chocolate cake. Absolutely no effect.
thereRnousernames: Our cocker spaniel has consumed so much chocolate that you think the brat would die. No, he just eats half a plastic bag with the chocolate then pees in the living room before begging for food and attention.
WhollyUninterested: Cocker cross, mine. Maybe they're immune?
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1404200482 | 1404528603 | t3_29joop | t5_2to41 | 454 | teh3mo: TIFU by inadvertently outing myself to my brother after buying a video game
So my brother and I are coming back from Best Buy after purchasing a game I've been waiting for. In the car, he starts going off about how gay the cashier was. I was completely caught off guard and wasn't sure what my brother was talking about.
When I ask him, he says that he was acting extremely flamboyantly the whole time.
I then ask him, "I don't act like that though, do I?"
The implications of that question brings forth silence for the rest of the ride home.
I'm not sure what to do.
shawndream: Bomb dropped, mind opened.
It seems about 10% of the population is gay, if everybody was out about it there would be almost no room for hatred.
I always thought gay people just didn't exist, until I turned 18ish and discovered my favorite cousin was gay, and my awesome new college roommate was gay.
It's easy to hate the other, it's hard to hate your brother.
(Ok, actually it's also easy to hate your brother when he's stealing your stuff, but that's a very different kind of hate)
[deleted]: Where does that 10% figure come from? I hear people quote that figure all the time but I really don't think it's as high as that, unless a LOT of people are in the closet and if they are in the closet then they wouldn't be included in the 10% figure in the first place because nobody would know that they were gay.
Plkjhgfdsa: You DON'T think it's as high as that? I invite you to attend all of the gay pride parades around the world.
yousefk: Most people that go to gay pride parades probably aren't actually gay, though. I'm straight but I'd still go to one. Also, even if you see 10,000 people gathered in a city of a million, that's still only 1%. And even that would be very impressive to see.
It wouldn't make sense for there to be a high prevalence of homosexuality since it offers an obvious evolutionary disadvantage.
charlesleyy: It's been argued that homosexuality increases chances of survival in a group in terms of evolution as gay and bisexual relationships strengthen a group and lower the ratio of children to adults making it easier for a group to raise children. Double-edged sword, man.
yousefk: Yeah but who are the homosexuals going to procreate with to pass on their genes?
I'm no evolutionary biologist though, so I think it would be best if this was just an askscience question so more qualified people could answer.
Toroxus: I'm an evolutionary biologists, and homosexuals help humans, mammals, and tetrapoda survive. At the time of me writing this, 3 other people have listed the reasons as to how and why, which you have not responded to. Let me sum them up:
1. Homosexuals are something called "kin selectors" in evolutionary biology. They increase the survivalship of a population by devoting more resources, time, etc. to few children by not having children themselves. This is unscientifically known as the "gay uncle theory."
2. Kin selectors also help the population by caring for children when a reproducer can't. So the modern example of this is a degenerate or dead hetersexual couple's children being adopted by homosexuals. Without the kin selecting homosexuals, those children might not have survived.
3. Kin selectors pass on the genes for their trait through their siblings. The polyepigenetics that control heterosexuality and homosexuality are present in all humans, mammals, and tetrapoda.
4. (My bit of info to add to the other people's): The theoretical rate of male homosexuality in humans is 33%. And self-reports from nationals in regions of high-homosexual acceptance, like scandanavia reports rates of 20-25% homosexuality. So we just except the remaining 8-13% difference is the portion of the population that is homosexual but does not report it.
pez_dispens3r: It's worth noting, though, that kin selection theory is somewhat contentious. Here is a good discussion of it from science journalist Maggie Koerth-Baker: http://boingboing.net/2011/08/25/science-question-from-a-toddler-how-ants-evolve.html
Out of curiosity, Toroxus, where are you sourcing the theoretical 33% figure from? What is the reasoning that informs it? It seems... high.
Toroxus: I'm aware what in selection is, how it works with k-selection, and I'm well aware that rationalization of a biological phenomena like homosexuality and heterosexuality can come as controversial to the public, but to evolutionary biologists, it's nothing. I even published a paper about it in an peer-reviewed evolutionary journal, and receive some very helpful feedback on my journal email which was part of the contact info of the submission.
The theoretical 33%, biologically, stems from the fraternal birth order effect (FBOE). In humans, and involving male offspring, each time the mother has a male, the likelihood of the next male being homosexual increases, until the 3rd male approaches 100% chance. That's how it is today, and the FBOE is the strongest link we have to that rate. We also know there are other epigenetic controls involved in the rate of human male sexuality, particularly related to exposure to human males prior to a few years of age.
Why is it that high? Now we are getting into weak theories and hypothesis. We know it's because evolution determined that to be the best ratio (2:1) for humans to survive, and that kin selection is a component of the theory of k-selection. Humans are well-known to be k-selectors, as are members of class mammalia (deer, wolves, whales, etc.) and the tetrapoda superclass in general (humans, birds, frogs, etc.). And we know that homosexuality is present in the entire tetrapoda superclass, which deviated around 400 million years ago. Which means that homosexuality is at least 400m years old, and has been conserved into (statistically speaking) all the members of the tetrapoda superclass.
Thus, you have to take into account how strong natural selection's influence is on something that directly influences reproduction, which heterosexuality and homosexuality are absolutely involved in. Because homosexuality was evolutionarily conserved in the tetrapoda for 400m years and is involved in reproduction, it can thus be deducted that homosexuality somehow improves the survivalship of tetrapoda. How? That goes back to kin selection. But natural selection would have determined the best rate of each species, and for humans that's 2:1. That's the best balancing between producers/caregivers (hetero) and caregivers (homo) for our species, according to natural selection, and you'd never see a biologist say that natural selection is wrong. As an member of extreme k-selection, we know humans would benefit from kin selection, and we know that they do. All we can deduce is that the 2:1 ratio is the near-perfect balance for our adaptation-al survival, and just go with it.
pez_dispens3r: Thanks for the detailed response, Toroxus. Please understand the first paragraph was directed towards general redditors, and not you specifically.
The 33% figure – you seemed to be implying that 20-25% is the rate for outed people, and 33% is the *actual* rate. And that's where you got the 8-13% shortfall from? Because, if so, that is only a theoretical upper limit, which couldn't be anywhere close to the actual figure. Because it assumes all mothers have at least three sons, and that simply isn't the case. (Even speaking historically, where (globally) families were larger, it would be unusual for a mother to have three or more sons who survived past infancy; i.e. to such an age where they might contribute to kin survival and therefore be able to influence kin selection.)
What I think you've done is taken a theoretical upper limit and, uncritically, presumed that to be the real-world value. Like you say, hetero/homosexuality are controversial for the public, which is why I think it's important not to make statements which seem a bit shaky upon scrutiny.
Toroxus: The rate of homosexuality in the 1st male is 33%, then 66% in the 2nd, and the 3rd and after are 100%, statistically speaking. You'd think the rate of homosexuality would be higher than 33% with this information, yet it's not. We know there are other epigenetic controls because birth order, but birth order is a very strong one.
pez_dispens3r: Don't suppose you have a citation for whatever study you're referencing?
Toroxus: The Fraternal Birth Order effect is well-studied. You can simply google it and find dozens of manuscripts from peer-reviewed sources.
pez_dispens3r: OK, you've made a couple of mistakes here.
The first is that you've concluded that the Fraternal Birth Order hypothesis implies there is a 33% chance the first-born male will be homosexual. What it actually states, although the percentage varies depending upon what study you cite, is that sexual orientation correlates with the number of the boy's older brothers. The second-born son, that is, has a 33% higher chance of being homosexual than his older brother. Which brings us to your second problem, which is that you're incorrectly assuming these to be absolute percentages.
As Ray Blanchard explains, if the first-born son has a 2% chance of being born homosexual, then the second-born son is only 33% more likely to be homosexual – that is, he has a whopping 2.64% chance of being born gay (2001, p 108). Not, as you claimed, a 66% chance.
I think you either misremembered the implications of these studies when you read them, or you never understood them in the first place.
| 15 | 30.266667 | |
1404187252 | 1404213949 | t3_29ja3d | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost dying from being locked in a toolbox.
This happened all long long time ago. But fuck it, this seems to be a trend so I'm gonna post any who.
I was probably around 4/5 when this took place. So over 20 years ago. I still get short of breath and really and really anxious when thinking about it.
This takes place at my grandparents house. Mid summer. My family is really close we have lots of gatherings and what not.
The story starts that morning. My uncle and I are in the back of his truck and he is messing around in his tool box. I remember this because he had tennis equipmenton they're and I had never seen it before.
Fast forward. Mid day. After lunch. The Mississippi heat is terrible. Some how I get away and all I remember is being in the back of my uncles truck. I get out his tennis balls and play with them. (This really gives me anxiety talking about it. I'm getting short of breath now. ) next thing I remember is crawling in the toolbox. For some reason I thought it would be cool to close it.
I shut the lid. I raise it back up. No big deal. I do it again. Click. Oh shit. The lid won't open. It's hot and dark. I freak the fuck out. I scream and scream. I pound the lid with my small hands. I remember my voice getting fainter and fainter. At such a young age you really don't have a concept of death but I truly believe I felt like I was gonna be dead. I remember crying calling out for my Nanny (grandmother), my uncle, anyone. I must have had an angel looking out for me that day because I have no clue how but my uncle found me. (My grandmother noticed almost instantly I was missing and they looked for about 10 minutes before they found me. )
My dad said I was truly the color of red. I still don't know why the didn't rush me to the hospital. I guess I was just too hardcore. I ended up getting the goof troop video game that night. A pretty shitty trade for almost dying.
That was pretty damn hard to type out. That's the first time in at least 10 years I have relived the entire thing.
Parents please be mindful of your little ones this summer. It only takes a minute before something terrible could happen. Especially with this heat. Even if they do survive like I did they can be scarred for life.
TL/DR locked in toolbox. Almost died at 5 years old.
jessjanexx: You must've either been a tiny 5 year old, or that was a rather big toolbox T^Txxx
[deleted]: Tool boxes that go on the bed of trucks are more than capable of holding a 5 year old!
jessjanexx: I wouldnt know :')) xxx
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1404219787 | 1404220795 | t3_29k5ei | t5_2to41 | 15 | AdrianBlake: TIFU by saying "OP PLEASE!!!" in a real life conversation.
Basically, I was talking to a friend and they said they'd find out something, and I said that they had better do it soon because I can't wait. And then I said "OP PLEASE!", just as a joke at my own pleading.
They stared blankly at me..... I had to explain..... every sentence made me seem sadder....
Oh Reddit.... why... why must I do these things. It's like "lol"ing but worse because at least everyone knows what lol is!
oddw0lf: I've literally said "Lol" out loud before instead of laughing. Everyone got quiet.
AdrianBlake: When my friend mentions something in real life about something online, I get nervous and look around incase people I know can hear us.
LeopardSnowstorm: Im actually saying lol al the time but im dutch and it means something like thats funny.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1404222499 | 1404224508 | t3_29k8u1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming on the dead uncle of my girlfriend [NSFW]
So last night, me and my girlfriend were having sexy time. Time goes by and I decide to just cum in her since she on birth control and she Ok with that. After I have filled her, I pull out my cock and clean it with some tissues, she then asks me to give her some but she already starts to leak on my bed. She quickly stands up with her hand covering her pussy and then realize that her T-shirt was underneath her while she was leaking. Appear that she was wearing a T-shirt with the face of her dead uncle on it. I know it sound weird but she only wears it as pyjama and she really attaches to her uncle that past away 1 year from now. Then magic happens, she looks me in the face with her tear-filled eyes and said "*you cum on my uncle !*". I couldn't resist I start laughing my ass off, it was way beyond me. As I was laughing in tears, she starts to slowly crying, we were looking really pathetic and all the stress of me cumming on her dead uncle just triggers some serious giggle that i couldn't stop. Anyway I don't think she mad at me because I don't really find myself guilty about something else then laughing over the fact that she point me the face of her uncle covering with cum and start telling me how bad I cum on her uncle.
TL;DR: Cover the face of her dead uncle, laugh about it then watch her fall in tears
Sanctuaryman: She is just as guilty for getting sexually aroused while wearing that t shirt. In reality she doesnt attach the honor to it herself that she tried to make you feel guilty for desecrating. I wasnt attached to my mother, in fact you can say that I hated her, but I am not having sex or getting aroused anywhere near a picture of her face (shes dead). Im sorry I just feel her having sex after wearing that shirt is more wierd then you accidentally cumming in it. (Just my standards I guess)
HKS-EXOTiiK: i know, i dont think she wanted me to feel guilty. She just start to feel bad for some obvious reason and she not plan to have sex with that T-shirt on it just happen and maybe i took it off too fast to gently put it on the bedside table. anyway it was funny and awkward.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404222708 | 1404223299 | t3_29k94o | t5_2to41 | 36 | MexicanMosbyhuehue: TIFU by telling my boss the truth. Slighty NSFW
Before the Story, im a complete honest man ans always try to tell the truth , know that im in a apprenticeship and works starts at 8.
Today was like any other day except i slept at my Gf´s Place since we watched Soccer the night before. I woke up at 6 and started fo make preparations for Work, , so ´ll go take a shower after some minutes my gf joins me one thing led to another and we started making out which eventually led to having one of the best shower sex moments in my entire life.
We finished and i looked on the clock thats haging on the door: 8:30.
I was like "WTF? We seroisly did it for that long?!"
I started rushing up getting finished and got to work around ~ 9.
My boss waited for me in the main office and demanded an excuse for beeing late, without blinking and thinking, to my demise, i told him that i had sex and thats why im late.
He started to burst out laughing pointed to the door and told me to "come back on monday, fckhead". He was total serious about that and said that i should consider this a option to rethink about what i just did.
He wont pay me the days im on the leave and know i dont know what the hell i should do except laughing and maybe not having shower sex anymore °__°
kzqvxytwmrx: You should go back on Monday, tell your boss that you've rethought what you did, and that you've decided that you'd definitely rather fuck your girlfriend than be fucked by your boss.
LPT: Don't actually do this.
HKS-EXOTiiK: LPT: Do it ! nothing serious can happen
| 3 | 12 | |
1404222605 | 1404272067 | t3_29k8z1 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Cenestpasnecessaire: TIFU by ordering a double espresso and smoking a cigarette
Jamarcus911: Si c'est necessaire juste achètes toi des culottes lol
Cenestpasnecessaire: Merci! J'en ai besoin..
Jamarcus911: bonne chance! peut-etrre demande une Parisiene pour de l'aide avec ca non? ;)
| 4 | 3 | |
1404223850 | 1404305461 | t3_29kanc | t5_2to41 | 188 | thereRnousernames: TIFU by experimenting sexually with magnets
So this happened back in November. Have only ever had one sexual partner and I broke things off with him when he revealed he had a girl already. Well that day I was really horny and since there was nobody else I did what I usually do and went to work on myself.
I've always been a bit on the pain side of sex crap so I had these magnets about the size of the tip of your thumb and stupid me not thinking decided it would feel great if I put them on myself down there. Everything went great and it was awesome... Until I tried to remove them.
Did I mention that these things were freakin powerful? Like, stick 2 together and good luck prying them apart strong. I managed to get one side off and I tore a piece of skin off in the process. The other side I kept trying various methods but by then the pain was bad enough that if I even touched it I turned to the toilet and started dry heaving.
I finally decided to just leave it alone and let the pain subside before I tried again. Went to work for 6 hours with it on, got home and tried again. And again no success. By now I was getting dizzy and a headache was forming, I started walking funny to try and avoid brushing it. At about 10 pm I finally grabbed my phone and texted my mom who was in the same room as me(I have siblings, they don't need to know). My friend knew about what was going on since it started and had finally talked me into going to the ER.
I told my mom I needed to go and she asked why. Very awkwardly I responded. She told me to keep trying and so I did, by 11:30 she said I could go but I had to wait until morning.
That night was the most painful, uncomfortable night of my life. I slept for probably a total of 30 minutes before I heard my parents wake up at 6. I waited until my dad had left before I went out and told my mom I was going now. She nodded and I left.
It's about a 30 minute drive to the nearest hospital. I got there and very uncomfortably explained why I was there to the person who signs you in. Thankfully, she took over when it came time to write down what was wrong.
Fast forward a bit and the nurse can't figure out how to get them off, so she goes to find the (of course) male doctor. He comes in to have a look and within 30 seconds just takes them off.
I leave in a lot less pain and a novel length educational thing on what can and cannot be inserted into vaginas. Also, with a warning that an ulcer may occur because of the lack of blood in that area.
Never did get one....
Edit for clarity: Yes, I used them on the labia (thanks theshadybird for reminding me of the dang word.) It was on the labia minora... I had a total of 4 magnets, two on each side attached to each other through the skin there. I was able to take two of the magnets off of one side of the labia but not the other.
szynka: Wait, what? What metal *inside you* were the magnets attracted to? If you got one off, how the hell did the other stay? I don't understand this at all. At first I thought you put one magnet on each side of the skin, so that they attracted each other, but then apparently you took one off and the other stayed? What? How?
thereRnousernames: Sorry... I was using four magnets on the loose skin around the vagina. One pair on each side. I was able to take one pair off of one side and tore the skin. The other side I wasn't able to remove because of the pain.
theshadybird: You mean your labia? Inner or outer? Just how familiar are you with the anatomy of your vulva?
The_Trevaler: Pretty sure it's a dude trying to get karma.
A dude who's never been with a chick (not that there's anything wrong with that)
theshadybird: It definitely read like a guy, which hurt my brain trying to figure out what was actually happening.
The_Trevaler: A guy who didn't know how magnets work
theshadybird: Or how lady parts work, even a little bit.
zigzaggeezus: Thank god someone else called bullshit im officially blowing the.whistle and throwing the flag....cant even be bothered to google what a labia is.....even though you just had a medical "emergency" involving them.
Upvote to everyone calling this one out
| 9 | 20.888889 | |
1404226815 | 1404272641 | t3_29kf2p | t5_2to41 | 3,572 | viva-c: TIFU by unknowingly spraying mold on my face every day for weeks.
So one of my favorite makeup products is this makeup setting spray: http://www.urbandecay.com/all-nighter-long-lasting-makeup-setting-spray-by-urban-decay/356.html
As you can see, the bottle is opaque. I use the product every day after I put on my makeup. I recently started running low and it wasn't spraying as good, so I took off the cap to look inside the bottle and see how much I had left.
THERE WAS A SHIT TON OF MOLD GROWING INSIDE THE BOTTLE.
I have been spraying mold on my face for an unknown amount of time but probably weeks.
Your life can always be grosser than it currently is. If you didn't spray mold on your face today, be grateful.
SammyConnor: 1] You've been helping your immune system by allowing it to fight off small amounts of mold.
2] Makeup remover would kill the SHIT out of any of it touching your skin.
3] The mold was probably mostly sprayed ON TOP OF makeup you were already wearing, forming a sort of plastic layer of protective cosmetics.
4] Any of it that got up your nose would be trapped in nasal hair and mucus reducing exposure more.
You're fine. It only seems icky.
vmerc: 2. You underestimate the resilience of mold.
Edit: I typed "2" but the post changed it to "1". Editing the post, it still shows "2" in the edit box. Strange.
krashmo: WHAT DID YOU DO TO NUMBER 2???
FARTBOX_DESTROYER: WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR!?
Fiddly_Castro: **The numbers, Mason, what do they mean?!**
Ponox: **TELL ME THE CODE!**
ALL-CAPS: #####CPE 1704 TKS
throwmemars: I can't help but think that since the thread ends here that nukes are on the way to blow everything up.
RavenicusPrime: Mein fuhrer, I CAN WAL-
quickslick: #####***NEIN!!***
slcdragons105: #####9
Wiiplay123: #####[***FEGELEIN!!!!11!!!***](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu4gosgp-cc)
| 13 | 274.769231 | |
1404229069 | 1404233412 | t3_29kina | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to camp in a tent in Utah
90lb_Balls: Oh my god! I went out in the wilderness and found wild shit. Pack it up, we're heading back to our thousand thread-count sheets.
notmycat: We've camped all over California and haven't found cockroaches until now. Sorry for not knowing Utah had a reputation?
By the way, I'm in college, lol at thousand thread count sheets
90lb_Balls: I was just being a troll.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404229620 | 1404316874 | t3_29kjl3 | t5_2to41 | 454 | pantyfroaway: TIFU by telling the truth to my boyfriend [NSFW]
It's a little late, but last week I told my boyfriend that I've never orgasmed during piv or oral sex. He was really proud of his skills (especially with his tongue) and now he's really hurt, which I understand.
Unfortunately, we're long distance but he's here now for two weeks. We've had sex but its been really awkward and he wont just let it go so we can enjoy ourselves. I even shaved down there and he looked at me and said, "Oh you don't have to do that you know. I'm not going down there." FML
TLDR: Shouldn't have told the truth to a man with pride
lordzod: Tell him how to improve not just that he's bad you're only going to have good sex if you're both being open and honest with that being said see if there is something that you could do to make it more enjoyable for him also
pantyfroaway: I'm really trying to do that while he's here, but of course now he doesn't trust anything I say which is totally understandable.
Rainy-piglet: Why you were honest, usually it's just passive aggressive fiddle faddle
KingHenryIV: How long has she been faking it though?
Rainy-piglet: I see your point but to have a girl that is finally honest and open not friggin cryptic I would rabbit punch my grandmother for that
P12oof: my girl is honest, and was the whole time. never lied to me in the beginning. How are you missing this point?
Rainy-piglet: I'm kind of baked
P12oof: yea me too... what were we saying?
Rainy-piglet: Some thing to do with brownies or some type of snack food
| 10 | 45.4 | |
1404226673 | 1404308824 | t3_29keum | t5_2to41 | 572 | [deleted]: TIFU by commenting on the wrong Facebook post.
I like beans.
nboro94: Haha, that's hysterical!
Haerdune: Wrong post?
oo7squid: Yeah he meant to post on some thread about someone's Gran dying
That_Deaf_Guy: Damn, you didn't even try did you?
oo7squid: If you wanted to see people try, reddit is the wrong place to be looking
That_Deaf_Guy: Deaddove.jpg
image_linker_bot: [Deaddove.gif](http://i.imgur.com/AIMRDRj.gif)
---
^(*Feedback welcome at /r/image_linker_bot*)
That_Deaf_Guy: You. I like you.
| 9 | 63.555556 | |
1404229668 | 1404239973 | t3_29kjnm | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by cumming on the dead uncle of my girlfriend [NSFW]
So last night, me and my girlfriend were having sexy time. Time goes by and I decide to just cum in her since she on birth control and she Ok with that. After I have filled her, I pull out my cock and clean it with some tissues, she then asks me to give her some but she already starts to leak on my bed. She quickly stands up with her hand covering her pussy and then realize that her T-shirt was underneath her while she was leaking. Appear that she was wearing a T-shirt with the face of her dead uncle on it. I know it sound weird but she only wears it as pyjama and she really attaches to her uncle that past away 1 year from now. Then magic happens, she looks me in the face with her tear-filled eyes and said "*you cum on my uncle !*". I couldn't resist I start laughing my ass off, it was way beyond me. As I was laughing in tears, she starts to slowly crying, we were looking really pathetic and all the stress of me cumming on her dead uncle just triggers some serious giggle that i couldn't stop. Anyway I don't think she mad at me because I don't really find myself guilty about something else then laughing over the fact that she point me the face of her uncle covering with cum and start telling me how bad I cum on her uncle.
TL;DR: Cover the face of her dead uncle, laugh about it then watch her fall in tears
gsfod_: Not saying its not a good story... but I clicked thinking this was going to escalate into something way better than it actually did.
HKS-EXOTiiK: i know but i really loose myself when the gf look at me and drop this on me anyway didn't know what to put as title
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1404232484 | 1404235052 | t3_29kodx | t5_2to41 | 6 | freakmn: TIFU by dropping my stylus
[deleted]: Note 2 Stylus?
freakmn: I can't recall the model, but it was a Windows Mobile 5 series phone. Barely a smartphone, really.
| 3 | 2 | |
1404232060 | 1404234767 | t3_29knnv | t5_2to41 | 35 | xRiain: TIFU by leaving my PC logged on
I work on an Oil Rig in the North Sea which can be quite boring for the fortnight, so as all men do in boring situations, we usually prank the shit out of each other, the usual glue the boots to the floor/lock in room to the more adventurous food dye in work boots which mixed with sweat from a hard day’s work will make a person’s feet pretty colourful.
Anyway, so there are about 15 guys on our floor of the rig and my PC is hooked up to a 42" wall mounted screen for streaming football etc. when it's on as well as my normal monitor. so it's usually habit for me to press the windows & 'L' key whenever I leave my PC as that's the number one way to get fucked with. But today, I didn't..
came back in from outside with a half-smile since I'm going home in less than 48 hours, only to see me, full on naked with a hardon, on that 42" screen for the whole office to see, and just as I walk in to see this, 2 women cleaners walk in as well and view my cock in its full form. I then made it worse by trying to log in to my PC to get this away as fast as I could but in my panic I managed to lock myself out, for what seemed like a year my cock was on that screen, and not once did I think to just turn the screen off.
Today, I fucked up.
Swarlsonegger: please explain where this picture came from
xRiain: had it saved on my phone for da ladiez, I usually delete after sending. I usually wipe my phone of pictures after saving them on my hard drive
Swarlsonegger: so you are one of those...
well atleast 2 more ladies got the joy of seeing said picture
xRiain: forever creepin'
| 5 | 7 | |
1404232276 | 1404335243 | t3_29ko16 | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by wasting over a thousand dollars
So... I am getting ready to get my commercial pilot license, after almost a year I'm nearly done. Only thing I am missing is my checkride (think of it as a final exam, both oral and practical) I was having problems scheduling the checkride, all the examiners were busy or on vacations, after almost a month of waiting I finally got a date for the ride, but I had to fly to another city 2 hours away. So the day finally came, I had been studying and getting ready for weeks, had a nice flight down to the other city. So right before starting the test we go through my logbook, just checking I have all the requierements (more than 250 flight hours, 100 in airplanes...etc) when suddenly the examiner calls me out on one that reads '10 night take offs and landings at a controlled airport solo or with an authorized instructor'. Now I'm sure I checked that I had the requierements a couple dozen times, I probably have over 30 night landings, but at least 12 or 13 were at night with an instructor.... But the catch is the examiner says the landings should be 'solo' , I try to argue for hours that the book says either way is acceptable, my instructor agrees with me and tries to help out but in the end the examiner refuses to test me. Now I'm going back home, spending over 4 flight hours in a quite expensieve airplane, 4 hours for the instructor coming with me, and I'm back where I started, still not a commercial pilot and really broke, probably not going to be able to afford another checkride.
And yeah no one pooped themselves or got their junk stuck anywhere in the plane, sorry.
luluchick: Thats way to go buddy. An year back you were a 9th grader, and now almost a commercial pilot? Unbelievable, nice work if its true :-)
hektor106: :D pretty good if you see that way, you actually made me feel MUCH better. Thanks
Silverlight42: I don't think he was trying to make you feel much better.
A year ago, you made this post saying you were in grade 9.
[IAMA 9th grade student about to have his Art History final, I think I know almost everything AMA](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/13zt67/iama_9th_grade_student_about_to_have_his_art/)
So something doesn't add up.
hektor106: I WAS in grade 12 a year ago... ah shit, I just realized... you americans and you weird numbering
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1404233148 | 1404241610 | t3_29kpig | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining a $640 phone within 24 hours of getting it
I've wanted the Xperia Z2 since I found out about the Z1, Water proof, dust proof, 20.7 megapixel camera, 4k video abilities, just a god of a phone. Not available in America So I ordered it overseas with no warranty. I also ordered the works, a case, the best screen protector, 64gb mini SD. Well I'm also an alcoholic, So last night I got really fucking drunk and idk at what point I ended up going to sleep I just remember my battery was dying. I managed to get soooo fucking drunk that I pissed myself in my sleep, which would be okay considering its water proof, except somewhere along the lines I opened the slot to charge it, but never charged it, so the slot was open allowing piss to get all inside my brand new $640 phone. It's been sitting in rice for a bit, I can't get it to turn on, it just vibrates and flashes as if it's trying its damnest to start up, but it wont. God damnit I really hope this shits not totally fucked.
TLDR; OPPeed
Rtwose: I thought you said the phone was waterproof. I guess not so much?
ecudorian: The ports need to be closed, It was open because my drunken asshole of body wanted to charge it but never did.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404232894 | 1404261766 | t3_29kp22 | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by mentioning to my girlfriend about a Reddit post I made a few months ago.
A while back I had asked the question to reddit about how I should get my girlfriend to learn how to drive. She's in her late 20s and it bothered me that she never learned.
So fast forward to a few nights ago, I came across the /u/amiugly subreddit and start looking through a rather large number of decent to good looking people posting on there. I comment on a few of them, just mentioning that they were attractive, maybe gave a few ratings. Nowhere in those comments had I had anything inappropriate in mind. These women obviously had something happen in their lives that caused them to develop poor self esteem. I've been there, a pick me up can always be nice.
Today she mentions that she was searching for my post about driving and clicked on my username and sees my comments and found these inappropriate comments. This starts a huge fight (via text message). I honestly don't see how she came across this accidentally.
I don't really know if what I was doing was wrong or not. I don't think so, but I can see if one was going to go snooping for dirt, then this could easily be construed as dirt.
She knows my reddit name now, so she'll probably see this. :)
TIFU by mentioning reddit to GF; GF goes searching for my account; doesn't like some of my comments.
ferk00: NEVER tell your girlfriend your reddit username.
[deleted]: Lol yeah, I did not. I just made the mistake of mentioning a thread I had posted as a favour to her.
ferk00: How did she find it? Reddit is a big place. I hope my GF never finds me on here.
wolfman86: Google........ :D
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1404235344 | 1404265825 | t3_29ktcm | t5_2to41 | 17 | Italianplatypus: TIFU By Watching Game Of Thrones
[deleted]: So you get yelled at for saying 'shit', but watching naked girls only leads to awkward meal times?
Italianplatypus: Pretty much
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404236559 | 1404248365 | t3_29kvk0 | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my vibrator in a easy to reach place.
So, this all happened today.
Yesterday I had gotten my first toy! A Lelo Gigi vibrator! So of course, last night i use it, and i have a very pleasurable experience., though i couldnt fit it inside me. i leave it on my bedside table, and go to sleep. I left it in a little bag that came along with the vibrator., planning to clean it in the morning.
Next day, i hear my dog whining outside,(he usually sleeps with me) and hear him snuffle in, and leave. I was more than half asleep, so i ignore him. I hear him whining like crazy outside my door, and my mom comes upstairs to see what was wrong.
"What the-"
she comes in the room, holding the used vibrator in one hand, and the bag in other.
My mom is a Conservative, Asian Christian. So, naturally shes shocked, and asks me if i knew what it was. I, being half asleep, respond, yeah, its none of your business. She leaves, giving me the vibrator, and leaves the lights on.
I give myself a few minutes to wake up, realized what happened, and realized I fucked up. Worse nightmare come true.
I go downstairs, and I'm mentally preparing myself for the awkward conversation that comes next. I ask her to come upstairs. She replies, curtly, with a "No"
I go upstairs,, wait in my bedroom, wondering which excuse to tell her.
She comes upstairs, and walks stiffly into my room. I tell her, i have a closed up vagina, and it was embarrassing for me to tell her, and i heard vibrators help "loosen it up" I tell her, it wasn't even charged yet. Haven't even used it yet.
She goes nuts on me, telling me every female would have this problem, and on her honeymoon, she couldn't walk properly. She described sex as swimming, being scared the first, second, third, forth time. Then you get used to it. And of course, Google was your enemy when searching up medical conditions. << this is true, but i didn't know where to tell her i got the information<<
So, now, i have to throw away my $90 Gigi, only one day old.
On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a slightly used, unworn Lelo Gigi? Includes orginal box!
TL:DR Dog steals vibrator, leading me to learn too much about my mom's sex life.
Edit: Thank god it wasn't my dad.
Edit2: well, Thanks for all the dick pictures, I'll be sure to masturbate to every single one of them.
mandaxthexpanda: fuck that. Keep it! it's none of her business, and it was a lot of money!
Fidget6: It sounds like OP is a teenager. Minors can't legally own property, so it's probably not ultimately up to OP unfortunately.
edit: Oh fuck off with your downvotes, I already established it depends on location, but in general the property belongs to the parents until the children are grown.
[deleted]: Wow... I did *not* know minors couldn't own property. That's insane! Makes a lot of sense though, but damn.
Fidget6: Yeah, legally anything a minor buys belongs to the parents.
mr_indigo: I have never heard this, and I am a lawyer.
Fidget6: Maybe I'm wrong? Google is giving me conflicting answers and it seems to vary slightly by state.
| 7 | 10.142857 | |
1404237181 | 1404265349 | t3_29kwnd | t5_2to41 | 15 | notsaeegavas: TIFU by playing video games.
Well not today, but last night.
So, let me give some background first. My uncle is staying over at our house because he is going through a divorce right now. He also hasn't slept in days and has been completely exhausted all day. He found a huge mosquito (about the size of a US half dollar) flying around our house and it landed on our ceiling. He gets a fly swatter and tries to kill it with that. He misses the thing and it flies away. No big deal, it probably just flew out the door outside. Oh how I was wrong.
Fast forward about an hour and a half it's now 11:30 PM and my uncle has crashed on our couch. (let me remind you that this would be his first night of sleep in days) I'm just sitting in my room playing on my PS Vita. It isn't very loud because I knew he was sleeping in the room next to me. Here's where it gets bad. The mosquito from earlier was attracted by the light from my screen. It lands on my screen with no warning whatsoever and it scared me to death. I was screaming and batting it away and even knocked over some bottles on my desk making it an even louder noise. I run out of my room and I see my uncle wake up.
Fuck.
I ruined his nights rest in days and this morning when he was at breakfast, he said he didn't sleep well at all but never mentioned anything about the incident last night to my parents (they sleep on the other side of the house so they didn't hear anything)
I feel absolutely terrible about this now because I knew he hasn't slept well in days and I just ruined another night for him while he could have actually gotten some sleep.
TL;DR: Playing games in bed, giant mosquito molested my screen and hands, woke up my sleep deprived uncle from the noise and caused him another sleepless night.
Dik-DikTheDestroyer: That wasn't a mosquito, it was a crane fly.
notsaeegavas: Looked like a mosquito. Had no idea what it's name actually was. Still scared the shit out of me
GospelLl: daddy long legs
Voyager5555: ...don't fly.
Lehk: Crane flies are also called daddy longlegs
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1404233328 | 1404274091 | t3_29kptl | t5_2to41 | 17 | RandomWhaleReference: TIFU by thinking of dead puppies.
So I just finished my first year of college, and needless to say, everything about it has been amazing. During high school I had always been single, and within the first week of college, if already found a nice girl who seemed interested in me. A few days after meeting her, I asked her out and she said yes.
Fast forward a couple months. I have this massive anxiety when it comes to sex, so we both took it pretty slow at first. But a couple months in (and after a few failed attempts to keep it up) I managed to get pretty comfortable with sex. I was feeling more confident, and it was actually working.
So one night when her roommate isn't in the room we start to do the do. Foreplay is going great and finally the penetration occurs. We are going at it like wild rabbits for a good five minutes or so, and it's feeling wonderful.
Usually we talk to one another a little bit during sex (i think most people do?) but this time there's a bit of a lull, albeit some moans from both sides. In an attempt to make some conversation I say something like: "What's the worst thing you can think of during sex?" Not wanting to bring up necrophilia or incest, but...just my brain being an idiot in a desperate attempt to find something to talk about. She says something, I agree, then respond with..."Dead puppies."
Immediately the image pops into my head of a dead puppy I saw earlier on /r/wtf. I attempt to focus back on the sex but it's too late - the grisly image has obscured my mind, my penis has already retracted in sheer horror.
Then my anxiety kicks in. Despite her attempts and my own, whatever I do I can't get it back up again. Annoyed with myself, and still very horny, we both give up and go to sleep.
**TLDR; Thought of dead puppies ends sexy times.**
burnouts: >Usually we talk to one another a little bit during sex (i think most people do?)
Wait, what?
Like small talk during sex? You mentioned a lull in the conversation; do you guys chat and discuss things?
Haha sorry for the weird questions but I have never heard of this. I get talking dirty and bringing in fantasies and obviously normal communication type stuff during sex, but the idea of chatting each other up in the middle of sexy times is definitely new to me.
Erocitnam: Same here.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404238559 | 1404258597 | t3_29kz15 | t5_2to41 | 103 | panicattackk: TIFU by eating my own semen (by mistake)
My girlfriend came over the other day. She had been out of town for a week or so and we hadn't seen each other in a while. She was looking pretty damn hot that day but we did not have sex because she was on her period. There was a lot of foreplay throughout the day but that was it. We had dinner together and she went home.
My computer desk is my main seat in my apartment where I do all of my work, eating, relaxing etc. I was at my desk browsing the net and I saw something that reminded me I had a penis and I decided I'd like to have an orgasm. Pretty standard stuff but this was one of those post-heavy petting spanks that ended with a bit more oomph than normal.
I cleaned up and took a shower. After the shower I got dressed and went to the kitchen to grab an apple. I plopped down in my desk and happily ate a pretty damn fine tasting apple while doing the Internet thing.
When I finished eating the apple I looked down on my desk and saw a drop of apple juice on the table. The apple I just ate was pretty damn delicious so, almost without thinking, I swiped the drop of apple juice up with my finger and licked it.
For a second I wondered why it tasted a bit salty until I realized what I had done. Apparently a drop had gotten away from me during my clean up and landed on my desk. I was kinda disgusted for a second but that feeling (and the taste) went away pretty quickly and it was more funny than anything else.
BIG_CRUNCH179: LMAO, so funny man. It happens to the best of us. I had a funny incident when I was getting to town with my girl and my tongue. She kinda....well...you see....she squirted in my face. The juices went into my nostrils and my mouth. I then sneezed. We both laughed out asses off. It was then I learned how sensitive she was =)
HedgehogBlowjob: She peed in my face.
There. FTFY.
panzerman1984: ahhh no dude, not what happened at all
HedgehogBlowjob: You must not know that much about the contents of lady-squirts. Very often, they do in fact contain urine. Other liquids as well? Sure. Just make sure you include urine on that list because it's quite common.
| 5 | 20.6 | |
1404239814 | 1404241057 | t3_29l13r | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to my girlfriend
csudude75: That is women for you bud. They say one thing but actually are wanting you to do the other....
lordzod: I would have to disagree that is what girls (and boys) do men and women say what they mean and mean what they say
MartinChavalinov: I would have to disagree because that is a matter of personality. I've seen 40-50 year old men and women act like they are 12.
| 4 | 1 | |
1404239467 | 1404383713 | t3_29l0jg | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my little brother use my phone
His phone doesn't have a camera so I let him borrow mine to film this cooking video he had to make for class. I had forgotten that I filmed myself giving my boyfriend a blowjob. To edit his video he copied all of my videos into his computer and I'm sure my blowjob video was included. We both haven't said anything, but I'm mortified.
I_Heart_Grool: So i got to ask. How old is he? If he's under 12 your safe. the worst that will happen is he will tell your parents. If he's over 12 and under 18 I'm sorry to inform you but he will be "using" the video. I know your thinking but I'm his sister! Between those ages that doesn't matter. It really has nothing to do with you beyond that your a female that he knows that is preforming a sex act. The odds are pretty good that he will show his friends too so be warned. I would make some excuse to use his computer and try to hunt it down. there's a possibility he hasn't looked at his footage yet. As a doomsday plan i would find a way to crash that computer or at least wipe the hard drive. Good luck.
OpinionToaster: I disagree. If anything, he'll use it to blackmail her. Most teens don't jack off to there sister. The internet exists for a reason, and I'm sure he'd rather jack off to some random girl than his sister and her boyfriend.
I_Heart_Grool: No, It's the thrill of knowing the person. There doesn't even need to be a sexual attraction at that age. Could he look up horse porn on the internet instead, yeah, but there is a person who lives in the same house as you that you can see in a sex act. That's super exciting at that age. He wont do it like "oh, I'm jacking off to my sister" until after when the shame sets in but unfortunately shame resets.
OpinionToaster: Maybe not, I just know that me and a lot of other people over at /r/teenagers probably wouldn't be doing that.
I_Heart_Grool: Well, you're in control of your hormones and that's awesome. But your saying if you stumbled upon porn featuring a relative you wouldn't even be curious? I should also note that at 18, the game changes. If your still doing something like this then, then you might need to see someone about it. It's just during those ages usually naked is naked and closer is better.
OpinionToaster: I might watch it, but I wouldn't actually do the deed to it. It'd just seem weird to me. Not like grossed out or anything, but it's not like my relatives are supermodel attractive either.
I_Heart_Grool: Ahh, but you can't control your other brain. if you watched it even out of curiosity, even if there is no attraction whatsoever, biology will take place. It's an unfortunate, ichy, part of life that it's hard to control ourselves once the old train starts a movin'.
sidekick62: I'll take a look for the article, but I believe we're actually hard wired not to get off on relatives to prevent inbreeding. It's a biological thing
I_Heart_Grool: I saw an article once that said the exact opposite (I think it might have been referring to an earlier state of man though). The point is, that in the moment she isn't his sister to him.
sidekick62: I'll have to find that article (I'm not doubting you, I'm honestly curious and it seems interesting). The one I read says that mammals, especially primates, will not pursue close family members, even "in the moment" (has to be a close family member though). It can happen, and we know it does. But that's an exception.
I_Heart_Grool: Found it-
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2013/12/131218-neanderthal-genome-incest-archaic-ancestor-science/
Draw your own conclusions. It's very interesting though.
sidekick62: Thanks, that is a very interesting article :)
However, as to inbreeding, it still can only point to an exception at best, possibly brought about due to near extinction. They can't speculate as to whether this was normal or not. As for the royal lines, that's not close family (biologically speaking). It's closer than what we would consider acceptable, but understandable considering the likely group size we evolved from.
I_Heart_Grool: Very true. may I point out that it's been really nice having this intelligent conversation with you. I was expecting only "you sick fuck" type comments even though we are just dealing with the topic of biological urges.
Now, I'm not saying he would want to fuck his sister in any way. in fact i think on the surface you are absolutely right. Like most people regardless of age he would be predisposed to refuse and actual advances. if given the chance for actual sex I'm sure he would override any biological reactions (boners) and refuse. However, when alone and faced with it. we are not as strong at that age. you get a boner you use a boner. and the fact it's someone you see everyday is an added thrill in the moment (never mind that it's his sister). as we grow older we grow the ability to use or deny our boners more wisely.
(i cant believe i used the phrase "intelligent conversation" in the same post i repeatedly said boners).
sidekick62: I'm also enjoying this intelligent boner conversation with you =D
I think this is going to be something that won't be settled without actual, current evidence. While we agree that the brother has no desire to sex up his sister, we're in disagreement as to how relationships factor in to masturbation, and whether it is something we control through willpower (which would be age/hormone dependent) or if we simply cannot get off when watching immediate family. What we need, is an experiment.
One of us has to convince the awesome, intelligent, scientifically-minded reddit community to try to masturbate to family members in sexual situations. Starting with OP asking her brother. Sound like a plan?
I_Heart_Grool: And we'll have are own sub-reddit, and it will be called Bonergate. We'll have our own gift exchange and by the end of the year the two of us will be on NOVA...at least we'll think it's NOVA till we see Chris Hanson standing there...
Wow, I have to say reading that this morning and laughing till I almost threw up almost makes it worth all those asinine comments other people made yesterday. I mean I really think you summed it all up perfectly. All there can ever be are theories really. I mean if we did it your way (even though i know that was a joke) I would automatically win because who would agree to seeing their sibling naked unless they want to. And then there's the other option. There is already a test group out there. Sons of mothers who are porn stars. The problem would be knowing who is telling the truth. I mean it's a pretty fucked up thing to admit to. Oh well. Until next time /u/sidekick62 it's been a blast.
sidekick62: You're lucky I wasn't at work when I read that… I have no idea how I'd be able to explain "Bonergate" to my coworkers. =)
Until next time /u/I_Heart_Grool it's been fun.
| 17 | 4.117647 | |
1404239977 | 1404242847 | t3_29l1dm | t5_2to41 | 8 | RiddledM: TIFU And wrecked my grandfathers El Camino
Today I REALLY fucked up.
This weekend my mother, my girlfriend, and I are visiting family in Plano, IL. It's a somewhat smallish town about an hour outside of Chicago and is where my mom grew up.
My mother had dragged me along on the trip because she didn't want to drive (see afraid of the open road, deer and what not. She's weird.) so, naturally I invite my girlfriend to come with us. Her parents give the OK and we set off to visit my mothers folks. Her father (my grandfather) loves four things most in his life. His El Camino, his Harley, his wife, and his children. In that order, he always says. Notice how I don't say grandchildren. He hates me. I've never really known why, but he dislikes me is the point. So I always tread carefully when visiting.
Anyways, we get there, I park and my grandfather, driving his El Camino, who happened to arrive at the same time, parks behind me. First red flag. We get inside, everybody starts to mingle. Saying hellos, hugs, all that stuff. My grandmother has invited guests over for dinner. Her friends, some cousins, etc.
About two hours later a lot of guests get there, more hugs etc and everyone settles in.
My grandmother doesn't have enough rice to make enough Arroz con Poyo for everyone, so she asks me to go get some. My girlfriend and I get the genius idea to elope in my mothers car(the car I drove). It's an Armada and the seats fold down. Just a quicky. Another flag. My grandfather was taking his medicine in the kitchen, so we go to walk out the
front door. My mother stops us to ask where we're going. I tell her we're going to her rice. She points out my grandfather is still parked behind us, and that first I should move his car. YET ANOTHER FLAG. But me being horny and 17, my mind was elsewhere. So shrug it off, grab his keys, and go to love the car. It's a stick, so I pull the Emer brake, toss it into R, and move the car, stick it back in N, take the keys and get out. I park it beside the armada. My girlfriend and I pull out and I'm only focused on her, my thoughts about what we were about to do. We'd planned to park around the corner and get funky before we went to the store. As I'm pulling away, I hear the following.
*SCREEEEE*
*EEEEERRRKKK*
*BOOOOM*
*GLASS SHATTERING*
I look behind and immediately slam on the brakes, jarring my girlfriend. Behind me was a car accident that occurred right in front of my grandparents driveway. People from the surrounding houses and my grandparents, my mother, and guests came out to see what had happened. In the middle if the street was the Camino. Destroyed. The bed was mangled, the lights completely fucked, I mean the car looked like hell. The driver of the other car, a Minivan, had been speeding I guess. I don't know. I should have taken pictures but I was so panicked.
Where did I fuck up, you say? Why am I freaking out? I forgot to put on the emergency brake. So the Camino rolled back and into the street as the woman was speeding by. Causing the accident.
Needless to say, I fucked up.
TL;DR Forgot the EB, wrecked the EC.
Paran0ix: Did you still get your funky-time?
RiddledM: No. :( I wish. But after that I pretty much got grilled by everyone in that house.
Paran0ix: I hope you at least got adequately cheered up afterwards!
| 4 | 2 | |
1404241446 | 1404283157 | t3_29l3xo | t5_2to41 | 413 | brighterside: TIFU by using Facebook
This one's good.
So I hate Facebook, and that's me personally. But today I decided to use it (I use it very rarely).
Tired from the night before, and bored, I sign in. I'm at the home page just wondering who I should awkwardly stalk. There was this girl I've had a crush on since my early years and I decided to look her up. So, I put in her name - nothing came up. Tried again. Nothing came up. Tried a third time, to no avail. By this time I've tried every variation of her first and last name and locations where she's lived in the past, including the schools she's gone to - about 30 attempts. But nothing was showing up. I said 'fuck it' and signed off.
A few hours later I got a txt - it was the girl. She told me she got my number from a mutual acquaintance and sent, 'could you stop stalking me? thanks'. Confused as fuck and heart pounding, I signed back in and wondered why the fuck would I get this txt from this girl after what I assumed was a stealthy foray on Facebook?
Apparently, the 'What's on your mind?' field is right below the Search field on the homepage.
**Update**
Ok, I tried /u/BigBobsBootyBarn's tips (thanks man) and just laid low for a bit. Sent the advised text back about an hour ago (the waiting would just kill me if I waited a few days) and got a response:
"oh... sry for being wikid mean about it. she does worry about me too much :)"
And whew - big sigh of relief. And my Facebook wall looks like someone fucked it up and my inbox is filled with 'huh?' and 'what is this?'
I think it's time to delete my account haha. Thanks for listening in on my screwy mess up.
digital-urn: reminds me of: http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/dad-this-is-facebook-not-google-try-again.png
[deleted]: That wasn't a clueless dad...that was a clever lazy dad, getting his kid to look up the address for him
Cougs67: Probably took longer and required more effort though.
[deleted]: Took less than an hour though...soooo....
| 5 | 82.6 | |
1404242243 | 1404253822 | t3_29l5bs | t5_2to41 | 42 | Aethari: TIFU by bringing plants to the office
My office is located in a dreary concrete complex. So, naturally, I decided to bring in some potted plants. My girlfriend is a talented gardener, so she aided my inept self in putting together a few nice - looking pots. Two weeks ago, I brought them into the office and everyone kindly commented on how cheery it made my office.
No longer. Within days, I began having small, black gnats which I thought were fruit flies buzzing in my office. They were few and I paid them no mind. But within a week it spiral led out of control. Dozens of flies everywhere. My office colleagues were getting them too.
They were coming from my plants, and the yellowish mold growing in the potting soil. Turns out that they are, appropriately, fungus gnats. I took remedial measures, letting the soil dry and covering over the fungus to kill it.
It was all a failure, and today I came in to admit defeat. I announced to my coworkers that I would heed their complaints and remove the plants. Only then did I find out that the gnats have spread. To other units, other floors. They've found some other food source. I will still take the plants home, but I fear it is too late.
I may have to spend the next decade here known as the guy who introduced the gnats. FML.
poohspiglet: Try Eight Insect Control by Bonide. And use some of those clear window fly catchers that are all sticky. First, spray the soil with the Eight. Thoroughly. Move the soil around and spray it again a few hours later. Then put some of those fly catchers, sticky side up, on the pot with the plant in it. And put one in the window near the plant, and around the office in any other windows or any other plants that might be affected. I've fought the battle of the fungus gnats and won. Some people have organic remedies of cinnamon on the soil, etc... but I've found the Eight is the termination tool that works the best. Combined with the stickies to get all those not in the soil, this should work pretty well.
Krakkin: You sound like you know your shit
poohspiglet: I have a lot of experience. If you check out /r/gardening, you can see what my experience really is in the flair. Otherwise, in 99% of any other subs, people just downvote because they think I'm bragging. I love gardening and nature, and it's amazing how a little greenery or living color with nature's beauty can bring such joy to so many.
Krakkin: I'm no professional gardener or anything but I really enjoy it. I used to do a lot of gardening and landscaping stuff for my grandmother and at my parents house. But now I love in an apartment and I only have one sad-looking cactus.
poohspiglet: I think I might actually be the only person that killed a cactus. I'm a northerner in zone 3A, living in the woods. What did I expect? And reply to your first comment, yes, I do know my compost.
Krakkin: Hey! I think I actually know what that means! I'm in zone 7. Two years of horticulture class paying off right now.
poohspiglet: Congrats! See, it was worth all that time and money!
| 8 | 5.25 | |
1404233450 | 1404323325 | t3_29kq0z | t5_2to41 | 16 | jesuswasOK: [TIFU] By letting the person I was dating know I slept with someone else
Of course, this didn't happen today, this happened a couple weeks ago. A little back story first.
As in my previous posts here, I mentioned that I was sleeping with a coworker while I was on the ropes about my now ex. Well, I ended it with my ex and started to see my coworker (at this point coworker is now an ex-employee of the company). So things were going great - amazing sex, great relationship - coworker was definitely becoming a best friend of mine and would see each other about 3 days out of the week. The 3 days I should mention were usually consecutive days and days that I had work. coworker would come over on Sunday after coworkers AM shift and would stay until Wednesday afternoon. I work a desk job so coworker would stay at my place while I was at work and I would meet up with coworker on my lunch hour (I luckily live 10 minutes from where I work). Everything is going smooth until I fuck up sometime between Coachella and another music festival I cant think of the name of now and I slept with a fling that I used to mess around with back in the day. Now, I know its easy to say, "you fucked up, you slept with fling", but in all honesty it wasn't really me making the moves when I hung out with the old fling. I had told fling that I was seeing someone and I was happy. We met up for drinks in the downtown part of town, bar hopped and had a pretty enjoyable night. I, on the other hand, was too drunk and knew it would be in the best interest to stay the night so I asked my fling if it was cool I stay the night. Now at this point of the night we were drunk, but I had not hinted or eluded to wanting to hook up with the fling (I hadnt seen fling in a few years, so wanted to just say hi and catch up). My fling said it was cool and we proceeded to their place. As soon I we walked in I headed straight to the couch (I was drunker than no other and had work the next day). I rest my head and before I knew it fling was straddling me. I denied the first few attempts, but kinda got irritated and said to myself 'fine, just do the business and itll be over soon'.
We had protected sex for less than 2 minutes before I stop and say I don't feel good, roll over, get dressed and head out the door. I felt so gross about the incident and spent the remainder of the night in my car. Mind you, I was in the apartment for a whole 5 minutes. I also didn't kiss (I have a no make-out policy for hookups) and denied the attempts at oral sex. I knew from the get go that I shouldn't have hung out.
Fast forward two months and I'm sitting with old coworker. Coworker had mentioned and hinted/asked in the months after the aforementioned incident if I had slept with anyone and I said no (I know, with the biggest fucking guilty conscious ever). I was ashamed, embarrassed, **guilty**, and didn't know how to tell coworker that I fucked Fling. Well, my annual checkup comes and I notice redness and a bump on my crotch. I tell coworker about it, but that I think it might be a yeast infection mixed with my allergies acting up (I have dermatitis). coworker asks me again if I had slept with anyone... Panicked I answer:
YES
I spill the beans and tell coworker that I slept with someone and what had happened. This was after countless times cowroker mentioned they would not be mad or upset and that they would rather know. I fucked up by not letting the cat out of the bag the next day of hooking up with fling. At the same time, and this is the shitty party, I feel like I fucked up by telling coworker about fling after waiting so long. I feel as though I should have waited for test results to come back (which were negative WOO!! CLEAN GENITALIA!) and maybe I would not have had such a heavy conscious after knowing I was ok. I sit back and still think though that maybe I did the right choice and telling coworker because of course - honesty is the best policy.
Well now coworker has stopped the communication we used to have and seems to avoid my questions of wanting to hang out. We have talked and coworker has mentioned that coworker feels betrayed (at first talk) and now coworker is completely over the incident and what happened and that I'm taking it farther than it needs to go. Maybe I'm one of yes or no answers, but what kind of friendship leaves the other party on the ropes about things... but I guess what friendship keeps secrets from the other party.
**TL;DR started relationship with coworker, then had 2 minute sex that was prematurely cut short cause of conscious with another person, coworker asks if I slept with anyone and wait 2 months to tell coworker, now coworker has limited communication after ensuring everything was fine and ok**
Ghostofazombie: You didn't sleep with someone, your fling raped you.
jesuswasOK: I don't want to admit that, and I am starting to really feel that way. Whether or not it is considered rape, the main thing bugging me is the fact that things have changed and I lost a close friend
SerenityWhen: You didn't get raped moron... She made moves and you gave in. She didn't physical abuse you and force sex on you. You fucked up and you alone are responsible for your actions. 'Blaming this fling and claiming she raped you to feel better about your actions is fucked up.
Ghostofazombie: When someone tells you to stop touching them, whether in a sexual manner or not, you need to stop touching them. Having sex with an extremely drunk person who explicitly told you to stop several times is absolutely, 100% rape. How could you possibly think it's anything else?
SerenityWhen: I love how people upvote you and downvote me and you are totally full of shit. You and OP who was supposedly raped. Let me break this down for you as you clearly have your head up his ass.
1.) "I denied the first few attempts, but kinda got irritated and said to myself 'fine, just do the business and it'll be over soon'".
So let's see he denied it but then clearly lets it happen with no mention of really trying to get her off of him. There is nothing mentioned about pushing her off or being forced down. He was clear headed enough to say the above and move forward with the hookup.
2.) "We had protected sex for less than 2 minutes..."
Yes because it all cases where the female rapes the male she stops to put the condom on. He clearly knew he needed protection and use it. Once again another sign that he was drunk but knew exactly what the fuck he was doing.
3.) "I also didn't kiss (I have a no make-out policy for hookups) and denied the attempts at oral sex."
Ahhh my personal favorite! He was raped eh? You know, when you are being raped you can set ground rules such as no kissing. No kissing...his policy for HOOKUPS. Once again showing he was right minded enough to know what he was getting into.
It disgusts me you all can't think for two seconds to see that the rape claim is pure bullshit. He was obviously a willing participant and was clear minded enough to do the above actions. It is shit like this that isn't helping the real victims of rape. All we have here is a case of someone fucking up by screwing someone and wanting a pity party from complete strangers. The rape thing also shows how fucking deluded he is not to mention you all.
Ghostofazombie: Literally none of what you wrote matters. As soon as you tell someone to stop initiating sex with you, and they continue, it becomes rape (or at the very least sexual assault). There's just no room for debate on this subject.
SerenityWhen: Oh please that is the biggest bunch of bullshit I have ever heard. He clearly went ahead with it so much so he put a fucking condom on. I have had two friends in my life that have been raped and let me tell you even they are saying this is bullshit. Oh hold on rapist let me put this condom on and OH btw while you are raping me NO KISSING...it's my hookup rule.
You are right there is no debate on this except it's clearly regarding my argument not yours.
Ghostofazombie: K. Tagged as "Doesn't understand rape" and ignored with RES.
SerenityWhen: Yep that completely sums your ass up.
| 10 | 1.6 | |
1404242782 | 1404243656 | t3_29l6aw | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU and unintentionally got chased down and yelled at in the parking lot by a grocery store manager
This is the story of a series of stupid forgetful mistakes I made last night, culminating in me being run down at the entrance of a Kroger and yelled at by furious red-in-the-face, wind-coming-out-of-his-ears Kroger manager.
I had just left the gym and was chilling in my apartment when I saw my roommate had just bought some tequila, so naturally we decided we should make some margaritas. It was about 6 o'clock and we decided we should eat first, so she left to go get some food and I decided I was going to cook some brown rice. So I bring the rice to a boil then reduce it to a simmer and put the lid on and decide instead of setting a timer this time I'm going to make sure this rice is cooked perfectly and I'm going to come in and stir it every 10 minutes and check on it. So I figure I have about an hour to kill. I decide to pack a bowl and listen to some music for a little while. I take a couple hits just to get a little buzz, not trying to get stoned just yet, I just want to take the edge off. I go check on the rice. All good in the hood. Back to listening to music.
I am trying to figure out a movie to watch later, so after browsing for a while I find one I like and start to download it. It says it will take 10 minutes. That's when I realized we didn't have anything to make margaritas with besides tequila, and I should go up to the store real quick and get some margarita mix. 10 minutes is just enough time. I grab my keys and my wallet and put on some shoes and am out the door. By now I have totally forgotten about the rice. The internet distracted me and I was just focusing on getting some margarita mix at this point.
I get to Kroger and as I'm walking through the DELI section I see the shelf with rotisserie chickens. Mmmm.. Protein... that looks good. I had already passed by it but decided to turn around and grab one. That's when I realize... shit... I had already started cooking dinner.... THE RICE!! OH FUCK! I left the apartment with the stove on! I gotta get back! I dart through the store with my chicken in hand and find the frozen margarita mix (well, it's really just frozen lime juice). I run to the self checkout and scan everything and throw the frozen lime juice in one bag, then as I'm about to put the hot chicken in the bag I realize I shouldn't put them in the same bag, so I put them in two different bags apart from each other. I pay for my food and grab my receipt, card, and bag... I feel like I'm forgetting something.... uhh.. receipt... check. wallet, check. bag, check.. ok, we're good to go. I run out of the store and hop in my car and am driving down the road for about a half mile when I look over in my passenger seat at my bag of frozen lime juice and realize I am missing the chicken.. shit!!! I immediately make a U-turn and book it back to the store.
Time is a factor at this point and I just need to run in really quick and hopefully my chicken is still in the bag on the check out counter thing where I left it. I pull up right in front of the store and put my hazard lights on. Windows are down and everything, I am trying to make this quick, no time to park in a space. I run to the self-check out isle. I tell him I left my chicken here. He tells me I need to go get another one, they already put it back. Fuck!! I grab a bag from the check out isle and run all the way across the store and bag my chicken again, then run back to the self check out isle. I talk to the self check-out manager and ask if I need to scan this or anything, and he says no, I'm good to go. We give each other a thumbs up and I am on my way. I run back out of the store and to my car that is right out front, all in about 2 minutes.
I hop in my car and throw the chicken in the passenger seat, and that's when it happens. I am about to close my door [when a huge and absolutely LIVID dude in a pink collared shirt and khakis runs out from behind the corner](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-80zlY45MMhU/UorJRn3odhI/AAAAAAAALiI/oRx4zGMdytU/s1600/822599296.gif) and grabs my door. "GIVE ME THE CHICKEN RIGHT NOW!" Now, this really catches me off guard. My initial thought is "who the fuck is this guy accusing me of stealing a rotisserie chicken?" I am assuming it is a manager or maybe security or something, but he never says anything except to demand that I give the chicken back. I take a deep breath to collect myself and I tell him that I already payed for the chicken, I just forgot it. He is not buying it. [He gets even more angry](http://media3.giphy.com/media/AT631VU1Fw208/giphy.gif). This guy must be an ex-cop or something. He says "Just give me the chicken and let's call it a day buddy". This really pisses me off. I decide to turn the tables around and start being condescending to him. I ask "I'm sorry, are you a manager?" and I tell him "you need to relax a little bit dude" and then I proceed to show him my receipt. He looks at it and tries to accuse me of getting a different type of chicken. Like maybe I am running some kind of chicken scam? He demands that I show him the chicken and I basically tell him to fuck off. At this point he realizes he is in the wrong here and he sheepishly says that I need to take it up with customer service next time this happens. I tell him there's not going to be a next time, I'm not coming back to this store again. (I didn't really mean that, I just wanted to twist the blade a little bit). I was pretty pissed at the time that this guy would just fire from the hip like that and assume I was so blatantly stealing a rotisserie chicken. I mean, surely there are better ways to steal from a grocery store than what I did. At the time I had no idea what to make of it. It was weird. I guess because I was in a rush he was trying to run me down and catch me before I got away. But looking back on it now I think it is all pretty hilarious. Like he thought I was committing some sort of chicken smash-and-grab where I run into the grocery store in work out clothes and do two laps back and forth across the front of the store and walk right out with a rotisserie chicken. That is what he was so sure I was doing. Anyway, I made it back to the apartment at the perfect time and the rice lived happily ever after.
TL;DR: grocery store manager thought I was stealing and chased me down and yelled at me in the parking lot in front of like 10 people and made a fool of himself
serpentwhistler: The rice? What happened to the rice? Did it involve the fire department?
ferk00: I was wondering the same thing...
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1404244626 | 1404364388 | t3_29l9e9 | t5_2to41 | 10 | sppikkee: TIFU by nearly hitting a cop while turning into on coming traffic
Sooo... today I went to go pick up my sister from drivers ed. Yes yes very ironic. As we were driving back I decided to go a different route home and found a road that intersects the highway going through a Walmart. As soon as I turned I knew that I had fucked up. I was driving with the windows down and changing music in my other hand. As I was entering the road of on coming traffic a cop decided to switch lanes and had to quickly swerve to avoid me. While I drove down the road in shame as cars constantly honked all I could think about was how big of a ticket this would be. I pulled into the parking lot with my face pushed so hard against my hand that I'm sure it left a print. The cop walked up and first told me that I had just driven into on coming traffic while texting and nearly colliding with a cop. At this point I would have been able to create diamonds with the amount of pressure I was using to clinch my ass cheeks to prevent me from shitting myself. I probably called myself stupid like 7 or 8 times while taking to him. He was very irritated at first (understandable) but when he came back with my license he was very calm. He told me to be more careful and sent me on my way. I would like to take a moment to thank this wonderful amazing cop!
blabbererer: Just because he's a cop: what an asshole.
sppikkee: Waiting for someone to say this.
SirShabba: AM I BEING DETAINED?
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1404248438 | 1404250047 | t3_29lfm9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by not taking a dump for a week.
Let me begin by saying, this happened years ago when i was an unruly kid and i hated taking a deusy lucy. Im talking, my parents would have to force me to go every other day. So, when my aunt took me to this Christian camp for a week, i was in constipation paradise. I could eat like normal, but i didnt have to say farewell to my lucky charms in the bathroom the next day. A whole 7 days went by and then i finally had to go home. When i arrived at my anti poop kingdom, my mother immediately asked me on a hunch if i took a crap at all. I told her no, and she sent me to my dungeon to do the deed, a.k.a the bathroom. I sat down and pushed with all my might. The weight of a thousand suns rested on my puny anus. Cue the dora theme song. Always helped me win the game of taking a crap. Even this time. I was halfway there, but then it stopped like a train wreck. I started to cry. My face resembled that of kim kardashian crying. Called mom to help me, she couldnt do shit hehe. After pushing through the pain, i dumped a dump that shouldve sent our toilet to the dump. Never to be spoken of again until now.
TL;DR: Save up shit for a week, almost break my anus letting it go
csudude75: That is quite a feat to be able to hold it for a week and not crap your pants. Congrats
Luigi_From_Frozen: Thinking about what it may have done to my stomach makes me cringe
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404249104 | 1404415990 | t3_29lgpb | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying marijuana
This actually happened a few months back, but I thought it might be a fun story to share.
My friend had gotten his hands on some "Lemon Haze" and said that we we're going to smoke it together.
So we get together in a group of four guys and smoke about 3-4g.
At first it was all fun and games. I was wrong on a math problem ( I thought 1/5 was the same as a half )
So we argued and laughed as I slowly realized that I was wrong. Then we got out and went for a stroll, where one of my friends kept mocking me with difficult questions about biology and math, so I ended up feeling exhausted and just wanted to eat. But alas, the stores had closed, so we smoked another joint and headed home.
This is where it gets crazy:
As soon as I entered the house, I thought that my legs was moving by themselves, and I screamed to my friends that my legs was kidnapping me. But when I had walked about 3 meters I just crash down on the floor crying. Two of my friends wanted me to calm down, whilst the biology/math friend just kept pushing my limits. He took my hat of my head and gave me another one, witch was black. I screamed full throat "No, not this hat" and threw it across the room and he tossed it back towards me, therefore I thought the hat was going to kill me so I pushed it away with two hands in a cup form.
At this point they advised me to sit down on the couch, but I cried out "I can't reach the couch" as I was making an effort to stretch my arm out 4 meters towards the couch.
It all ended up with one of my friends getting my other friend to shut up, and guiding me to the couch where I rested until I was calm enough to go to the bedroom ( witch we all shared )
TL;DR ::
I got high and tripped balls. 2 of my friends tried to help me and one just laughed at my misery.
Conclusion: Best weekend of my life!
EDIT: Turns out my friend has posted a thread about this also. It's more in dept if you'd like to read it: http://www.reddit.com/r/trees/comments/29hdgb/mindfucked_my_high_friend/
killbuddy1236: One day I smoke with my dad and I start tripping balls and my face went num and I couldn't feel my legs so I crawled to my dad room and told him my face is felling off and my legs are dead. It was a tough night.
Riddarn97: I can see your dad just sitting in his bed like O_O.
killbuddy1236: He was actually doing that. I just eventually pass out on the ground.
Riddarn97: "Dad I'm dying"
"...."
*passes out*
killbuddy1236: Lol about sums it up
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1404251778 | 1404319965 | t3_29lkl1 | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally involving myself in a cult
So when I was 15 and full of angst, there was this group of teenagers and I wanted to fit in with them, so I started listening to their bullshit. Apparently, they were a bunch of supreme immortals that died and came to Earth. I was thinking I would just get in on it to try and be a part of something and started to agree with them.
2 years later, I grow the fuck up and learn that these people were full of shit... And leave, my head full of fuck.
Good riddance. I check up on them and these people are still using their ghost demon friends as an excuse to excuse their actions.
So I was accidentally in a cult that involves everyone looking down on the human race and believing their demons and casting spells on people they hated.
[deleted]: Wouldn't it suck if they were telling the truth and you just lost your chance to sit next to Lucifer on judgement day?
But in all seriousness, I bet they all wore shit from hot topic
Daenyrig: Aww shit man. I just lost my chance to listen to the drama queen of hell whine about how God cast him out of heaven.
The second statement is true.
Skinwlkr: Supernatural reference?
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1404253420 | 1404355976 | t3_29ln20 | t5_2to41 | 355 | TheOwnedBagel: TIFU by buying an Almond Joy
So today at the store I was doing my usual thing, getting groceries and whatnot. As I was at the checkout line, I grab the last Almond Joy. As I finish paying this lady comes up to me screaming.
"How dare you take the last Almond Joy! My son loves those!"
I'm of course, kind of shocked. Why is she yelling at me, why can't she just go get one from another checkout line, why is she looking at me so angrily?
Now, when life gives you opportunities, you better take them. I begin like this
"Well since I just bought this, I'll let you buy it off of me. Four dollars."
The lady snarls at me. Her ferocious offspring begins crying, so she quickly grabs four dollars. We make the deal. With a smirk, I go over to the next aisle and I grab two almond joys, and buy them with her four dollars while maintaining eye contact. Sure I got 2 Almond Joys out of it, but I kind of feel bad about her and how I made her lose money...
TL;DR
Supply and Demand, I buy and demand.
Edit: A lot of people are saying wrong subreddit. The reason I feel I FU is because I feel a little guilty about ripping her off.
porcia918: Its frightening that this person is a mother. She's in a store and she couldn't figure out how to look for more Almond Joy bars?
DoubleTlaloc: What's frightening is people feeding Almond Joy to their kids...
[deleted]: Lol why? Kids have candy all the time.
DoubleTlaloc: Kids don't need candy for their happiness or their health (especially not candy with as low of quality ingredients as Almond Joy or other checkout line candies). Not saying kids should never have sweets, but this incident occurred at grocery store where there is literally *tons* of other food. Just buy the kid a banana or some strawberries. Fruit should fill-in as a sweet treat whenever possible, and if your kid is not used to ingesting bags or cans full of high fructose every day, they will really enjoy the fruit. Win-win.
Edit: Downvotes on fruit for kids?? T__T
[deleted]: Alright.... sounds like you are some crazy health nut who doesn't let people enjoy food sometimes and thinks that "over processed food are killing people." While I'm not saying candy is healthy it's not like a candy bar a week is going to kill you. Hell a candy bar a day is probably fine if you burn calories.
DoubleTlaloc: You know what is also fine? Not having a candy bar a day! ;-)
/further digression
I appreciate your flattering caricature, but I don't think I have ever prevented anyone from enjoying food lol. I do think that when it comes to feeding children, and you have the choice of feeding them a nutritious snack vs. unhealthy snack with no detriment to their contentment, the proper and logical choice is obvious.
[deleted]: Ha alright. The fact is that you have no idea why this lady was giving her kid a candy bar. The fact is that it could have been his one a month or year and he wanted that specific one. Don't pretend giving a kid a candy bar is the same as yelling at a stranger.
Lastly fruit for kids isn't bad but neither is milk or dark chocolate. In fact a lot of that can be good for you. Too much of anything is unhealthy.
DoubleTlaloc: Haha, agreed. My original comment was meant to be interpreted in a humorous light :)
| 9 | 39.444444 | |
1404252908 | 1404315165 | t3_29lmb3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | FelineFucker: TIFU by drinking too much.
On the eve of Saturday, June the 28th, I was attending my boss's surprise party. On my tranquil walk of merry drink before hand, I had almost finished my first bottle of wine. Upon leaving the gallant affair, I was two wine bottles deep, and say, 4-5 beers. All was good; jokes were made, laughs were had, and I arrived home safely. After one more [beer] for good measure, I was asleep in a haze of joyous bliss.
I awoke at the strike of one. However, it was not the clock which disturbed my slumber. Unbeknownst to me, my twin had decided to host his brethren to a night of ale and wine. I stirred to the sound of familiar voices, and quickly resumed my perilous, drunken quest.
As I had passed out on the couch, I woke to a band of muddled men, rambling aimlessly of the current eve's going-ons. I arose to retrieve another beer, but that was when I saw her. The Gorgon-Witch of nightmares. The Ogress incarnate. She who goes bump in the night.
And that was when my brother took her upstairs.
Not long after, my brother returned to our first-floor encampment; a mixture of shame and success painted his face. His tormentor shortly followed suit. For whatever reason, we carried on as usual. Drinking games ensued. And, as it turns out, I can be a very mean drunk.
After having served her numerous cups of "shut the fuck up" and, "How's a face-full of my Brother's cum taste?", I decided it was time to go to bed. I had work in a couple hours, after all. But that was when shit hit the fan.
For God only knows why, after hours of verbal battery, she followed me to my chambers. I was reluctant at first, but soon my sleep-deprived, alcohol fueled mind took the reins, and anything was a go. Yes, before long I was banging this grotesque monstrosity, who's girth I could only just circumvent with my arms, to an oblivion of orgasmic regret. I was also two hours late for work; but hey, fat chicks need love too, right?
TIL that nothing bonds a pair of brothers like porkin' the same hog.
tl;dr; Banged the same fatty my twin brother did hours prior. Eskimo twins 4 life.
FelineFucker: Many laughs were had when we spoke the next morning. To quote my brother, "Last night was wayyy tooo Greaasssyyy!"
cF516: best story ive read all day particularly because of the terms used and the quality of story telling.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404254818 | 1404276186 | t3_29lozr | t5_2to41 | 93 | turk1ish: Tifu by going for a drive with a girl i like
So last week i met this girl. She seems really cool, and weve been hanging out quite a bit.
So today, being canada day, i had the day off. So we decided to go for a drive/hike.
Now, i live in tourist central. So traffic today was god awful. Were on our way back and are stopped for traffic.
Next thing you know, my car flies forward into the truck in front of me.
So some guy was busy taking in the scenery and decides that he doesnt need to watch the road.
The girl im with smashes her head on the windshield, cracks it, and i call the ambulance.
Ive never been in a car accident before. Im still shaking. Im writing this from the emergency waiting room.
TL:DR got into a car accident while driving with a girl ive known for one week and shes in the hospital.
Edit: shes alright. I picked her up from emerge. She Has a concussion though. We are currently in bed eating fudge and laughing about the strangeness of today.
Edit 2: She straight up told me that she was planning on sleeping with me today. Hence the reason she wore a short skirt to go hiking. Naturally, due to her injuries, that isn't going to happen for a few more weeks.
Now can I say that I fucked up?
creamersrealm: Assuming seatbelts were worn you did nothing wrong and go visit her in the hospital bring her gifts and let her know you care about here. Go explain what happened to her parents and let them know if they need anything to let you know.
Did she crack her head or just your windshield?
turk1ish: Just the windshield. Her head was hurt but no damage.
creamersrealm: Based upon your updates dang you did good! Or she is 100% out of it.
turk1ish: It's a long story of her walking up to me twice 6 months apart and using cheesy pick-up lines. I guess.... I guess she wanted me?
creamersrealm: Happened to me before but and stupid me is to dumb to read people. Girl wanting me not physically.
turk1ish: I just wrote my phone number on her receipt (I deliver pizzas) and hoped she saw it
creamersrealm: Damn, good job!
| 8 | 11.625 | |
1404257508 | 1404272192 | t3_29ltc8 | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a dildo to my conservative parents [NSFW]
I just moved away to college and was feeling my oats. I was feeling my oats quite a bit, if you know what I mean, so I decided to make the first adult purchase of my adult life. However, I wasn't brave enough to waltz into an adult shop and purchase a dildo on my own. So I took to the interwebs.
Being sexually inexperienced, I had no idea what was normal. I was checking out a popular site and decided to order an 8.5 inch realistic dildo based on the positive reviews.
Because I had just moved out, my bank cards still had my parent's addresses on them. I had to fill out the billing address as my parents' and the shipping as my dorm box. However, I totally screwed up somewhere because after it didn't arrive after it said it would. So I checked the website so I could track my order and was mortified that I had shipped the box to my conservative Christian parents' home.
The only thing I could do was come clean. I called my mom and we had a very awkward conversation. She told me that she had opened it, that she was disappointed, and that she would still send me the package.
When I received the package, I opened it to find that the website I had ordered from had sent me some surprise gifts: a couple of teen oriented porn DVDs and a cock ring. I'm sure no one was more surprised than my poor mom.
Tl;dr: I'm dumb.
AaronPossum: Maybe tell your parents to respect your privacy and not open your fucking mail.
HunterSDrunkson: This really. I have this happen all the time. Really is that your name on the box?
AaronPossum: What could be that thought process?
Is it complete and utter narcissism that prioritizes your curiosity over the privacy of your kids? 99 times out of 100 you could ask and they'll tell you exactly what it was anyway. Jesus, boundaries dude.
HunterSDrunkson: Exactlty. I got the point across the day my mom had me run to the post office to check the mail. I opened a couple Christmas cards and a box and non chalantly left them on the table.
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1404258006 | 1404277202 | t3_29lu2n | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by accepting a great job
This story isn't from today. Its from the past 6 months.
In January, I decided to apply for a job on a whim. Great job, work from home, awesome pay, benefits and for an awesome company in my field. I wasn't really looking to change jobs or anything, but I figured it would be worth a shot. A few weeks and interviews later, they offered me the position.
My fiance and I decided that it would be a great opportunity to move back to where we grew up. My parents were there to help take care of the kids, rent was cheaper, and she could easily transfer to another location there. I was going to take a bit of a lower pay due to lower living expenses, but it would make up for it due to the fact that we'd get a bigger place for cheaper.
We had arranged one of my family members to babysit while we found full time daycare, got everything moved, started working and.. well, the family member backed out. Said she couldn't help, was too busy to help and due to medical reasons didn't think it was a great idea. Fuck. Okay, so we decided to get really looking for daycare and ask one of my friends for help. They were able to help while we looked, and things seemed peachy. Unfortunately, we found out that there aren't many reputable daycares here and if you find one, they've got about a 6 month waiting list. Shit.
So my fiance quit her job, and we tried to work things out so we could survive off of one income. Unfortunately, its not working. Its less than working. We've gone from being decently well off to being under water very quickly, and now can barely afford food to give our kids. I regret every day for accepting that job, for even applying, because now that I look back at where I used to work, I could have been easily promoted quickly.
I feel like a failure every day. I am failing my kids, my fiance, and myself.
Fuck this.
skyrocker_58: Hey you didn't know, don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep hanging in there until something comes along. If you give up, spiritually and mentally, THEN you have failed.
winstonjpenobscot: I disagree, throwing in the towel when you realize something isn't working out isn't failure. "Hanging in there" just so you 'don't have to admit defeat' or something is only hurting yourself. There are no awards for hanging in there when you're miserable and broke. If there's something in your life that isn't working, try to fix it. Change your mind. Success isn't an unbroken straight line. It's recognizing when something needs to change, and changing it. Like the poster above said, no offense, you still have lots of options, including asking your former employers for your jobs back. Or even starting your own reputable daycare -- like you said, there's a huge demand and not much supply.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1404259028 | 1404292053 | t3_29lvmz | t5_2to41 | 15 | ScreamPunch: TIFU by telling my mom to look at the cat in the vet's office.
I was with my mom taking my dog to the vet to get his annual shots. While I was taking my dog to the car, I saw one of the cats they have in the office. He was sitting behind the checkout counter on his butt [like this](http://puu.sh/9SRYR.jpg). I laughed and kept walking. I saw my mom coming out of the room my dog was in and I shouted to her to look at the cat. At this point i could no longer see him as I was in front of the checkout counter and by the door to walk out. I was confused by the multiple groans and "wows" I got. She, and everyone else apparently saw the cat licking his beef bazooka and ammo pouch. Now everyone at the vet's office thinks I'm some sicko who wants to trick you into watching a cat service his nuts.
WhatTheHellDidiRead: You didn't fuck. I mean you aren't the one who saw feline oral masturbation.
wolfman86: Be should be more aware of what he is pointing out, though. :D
| 3 | 5 | |
1404246973 | 1404393539 | t3_29ld80 | t5_2to41 | 21 | GNasty49: TIFU by not paying attention.
TIFU by going on a trip. I was all ready and excited and even got to the airport early. I found my terminal where I was to sit and wait for them to board us. I was looking around and I noticed there was hardly anyone sitting around me. I didn't think much of this. I was waiting for a long ass time to board and had to pee. I went pee, came back and our flight still wasn't boarding. After waiting about 40 min after the boarding time, a flight attendant came up to me and asked me my name. I told her. She immediately yelled at me and said they had been looking for me for about an hour. Apparently, I had been sitting in the wrong terminal and not even paying attention to the loud speaker which had been calling my name to board about 20 times. As the flight attendant escorted me onto the plane to the back of the plane in the last seat, the entire plane was giving me dirty looks as their flight had been delayed.
Z3ph3rn0: Where do you live/ what airline do you use that they actually care about having all of their passengers?
GNasty49: southwest on my way to san diego
Z3ph3rn0: I've heard good things about southwest.
GNasty49: The flight attendant was rolling her eyes at me though, thinking "Dumb shit"
Z3ph3rn0: Probably because of the delay you caused. No offense, but that's the reaction you kind of deserved.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1404262229 | 1404304361 | t3_29m0eo | t5_2to41 | 35 | repairmanjakk: TIFU by coming out as bisexual to all my Facebook friends
Very early this morning I decided that enough was enough and it was time for me to be honest with everyone. So I informed everyone that I am bisexual. I did not, however, tell my wife first. So she found out by seeing the post after many others already had. She is beyond pissed, rightfully so, and feels betrayed that I never said what changes I've been feeling. We'd talked about it a little but I had never before said "I am bisexual". She's staying at her cousin's tonight. I fear I fucked up big time.
[deleted]: I think you intentionally tried to ruin your marriage because you're gay.
SocraticMethHead: Calm down, House.
[deleted]: No problem, Ally McBeal.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1404262951 | 1404263389 | t3_29m1gj | t5_2to41 | 11 | Poo_Poo_Cachoo: TIFU by making it rain tomato sauce
What started off as an innocent journey across Seoul to find the perfect sauce ended in a murderous bloodbath. On the way home, while stepping onto the top of a crowded escalator in the subway, my grip on this perfect sauce weakened. As it dropped, my heart fell with it, realizing with terror that three more wildly incriminating jars of red sauce still resided in my hands. Thirty or so heads spun around to find the only two Americans in sight holding groceries, sweat pouring down our faces. With the screams of children echoing throughout the hall, blood and glass raining from the heavens, and the color red drenching the walls from ceiling to floor, I could not help but to be reminded of the final scenes in a Quentin Tarantino movie.
Poopoog: CROISSANTS ARE PEOPLE TOO!
bov-tye: Stahp
Poopoog: OMG STAP STAALKING MEEEEEE
bov-tye: Stahp.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1404261576 | 1404265471 | t3_29lzg0 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: [TIFU] Pissed my pants in front of cute nurse
So I broke my ankel earlier today. I want to the hospital to check it out. When I arrived I got ice for my ankel and was given some pain medicine. While I was waiting for the doctor to come and check my foot, I had to pee so I called over a nurse who was Hella cute and I asked if I could go to the restroom. She said I could go to the restroom because I might fall. She brought over a large cup to me and told me to use it. While laying down I tried to piss on a cup with was very difficult. I tried sliping my penis in and urinating. I tried very hard to position my penis but then my hand slipped and pee went all over my pants and me. I tried covering it up with my shirt but the nurse pulled the curtain and said are you done yet then had a blank stare on her face staring at me. I said not yet and she left I was Soo embarrassed couldn't say anything to her. Later she came by to throw away my piss cup and gave me a disgusted look.
TLDR: Cute nurse gave me a a large cup to pee in, because I have a broken ankel and can't walk to the restroom. She walks in on me while my penis slipped and I Pissed all over myself.
porcia918: >gave me a disgusted look.
She shouldn't be a nurse, then. Zero compassion.
Lucasthegreat1: True that
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1404264704 | 1404324671 | t3_29m3xx | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU by not attending a court date, which ended up with me spending time in jail
Some back story, I'm a 24 year guy, and I used to live in Virginia. While living in Virginia I was caught going way too fast and was charged with reckless driving, and had to attend a court date. Two weeks after getting pulled over, I came out of the closet to my incredibly religious family, who proceeded to basically disown me. With my whole life in shambles, I decided it was time to move. I moved to California for school in hopes that I could start my life over, and managed to get a job there as well.
A few weeks pass, and one night I am going a little bit too fast down the highway and get pulled over (I know, I'm a really bad driver). The cop asks to see my license and registration, goes back into his car and then tells me I have a warrant out for my arrest. Yeah, in my stupidity I forgot about the court date I had to attend in Virginia, and because I missed it, a warrant was placed for my arrest. I tell the officer I forgot and tried to give him my back story, but he tells me that he has to place me under arrest. I get handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.
So, off I go to the police station. Inside, my handcuffs are removed and I am given an interview, and have to give out my personal details. A nurse checks up on me, then I get fingerprinted and have my mugshot taken. Great. So after a few hours of being processed in, I get to make a phone call, except that I know absolutely no one in California that's close to me and my family disowned me. I get patted down and my belt, wallet, keys, phone, shoes and watch are taken from me. I then sit a large room for several hours on a chair, while I wait to be processed in. I can't post bail, so I am eventually sent to another room with a whole bunch of other people.
I'm taken into a large room, and the inmates are separated into groups of five. We are finally called and ordered to remove each article of clothing and place it in a bin in front of us until we are naked. After removing my clothes, I have to open my mouth, lift my genitals, run my fingers through my hair, bend over and spread my cheeks and squat and cough. We are then given yellow inmate uniforms to put on, and are assigned a cell. I sit in jail and have to wait until I can see a judge, because I can't post bail. Unfortunately, I can't see a judge until Monday (getting arrested on a weekend in awesome), so I spend the night in jail. I keep to myself, and in the morning I have a crappy breakfast and have to spend most of the day in my cell.
Some time on Sunday, I am notified that I will be transferred to the county jail. I am put in shackles, including a belly chain and leg irons, and chained together with several other inmates. We are placed in a police van and driven to the county jail. After arriving at county jail, I am taken out of the van and have to endure the lovely process of being processed in again. Another 8 hour ordeal. I am then taken to a shower area, where I have to undergo another dehumanizing strip search and then I have to shower and delouse in front of an officer. I am then given an orange county jail jumpsuit, a wristband and I am transferred to the general population.
I spend another night in jail. I wake up on Monday, have breakfast and then go to see the judge. I am chained up again to some other inmates and put in leg irons, and have to do my walk of shame to the courthouse in my orange jumpsuit. I appear in front of a judge, shackled up like a serial killer, and am told what my bail amount is, what my charges are and when my court date is. Back to jail I go. By this time, it's Monday and I'm due back in class and at work, so I am freaking out, because I can't afford to get out of jail. I speak with my lawyer, who is absolutely awful and does nothing to get my bail amount lowered.
I spend the next three days in jail. I even try to call my parents, but they don't end up caring all that much. On the Wednesday, I am told that I will be transferred to another jail (for god knows what reason). Get chained up again, put in a police van and off I go. Strip searched again, showered and given a black and white striped jumpsuit. (At this point I'm pretty sure I've been wearing every kind of color available). I spend two more days in jail, before finally going to court. I go to court again in jail clothes, with my hands chained to my waist, and sit down by my lawyer. After a relatively short trial, I am released and given a new court date. I am released on Friday, one week after I was arrested. In one week I was transferred three times.
Ended up losing my job and missing an exam and two assignments, but I will definitely be taking court dates more seriously next time. The law is not kind to you if you are poor. It was a humbling experience, but definitely one I don't ever want to experience again.
nhampag: california can see warrants from virginia?
XandraHart: Yeah, these things are entered in a national database.
| 3 | 20 | |
1404266282 | 1404267283 | t3_29m68s | t5_2to41 | 4 | darkrsing: TIFU by trying to have my alone time at home
el_crunz: What is that? I'd rather not Google it.
two_more_minutes: It's not even porn. He worded it ambiguously when he said orochimaru **fucks** with naruto and his gang. He meant that orochimaru messes with him.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404267889 | 1404272195 | t3_29m8hy | t5_2to41 | 12 | johren118: TIFU By hitting a glass wall of a local mall..
I was in bed, a bit groggy when I have received a text message from a friend that he wants to meet and talk about something.. My eyes did the involuntary shut-off while reading this when he actually called.. Insisting that he'll be at the local mall in fifteen minutes.. "This better be a matter of life and death.."
I got up, freshen a little and stormed out of the house.. I was feeling terrible when I arrived in front of the mall, it's as if the ground was pulling me, the sight stress and presence of people around made me more agitated and determined to finish this as soon as possible.. I called him up..
"WHERE EXACTLY ARE YOU???"
"Oh. I'm inside by the door, in fact I can see you from here"
I turned around and saw him standing and ass smiling inside.. I hung up and moved towards the door.. oh god! My vision is dimming, so I walked faster than usual when.... BUMP! - I hit my head so hard at the effing glass wall, It's as if the glass has so much rage in me that it threw me 3 feet away.. The pain was so intense, so intense everything around was a action film type SLOW MO! Next thing I remember, is that I am being carried away in a wheelchair being stared at.. Where the fuck is he??
....
TLDR: A ass friend woke me up from sleep demanding a meetup at mall where I bump hard at the mall's glass wall..
HunterSDrunkson: You don't know awkward till you seizure at a major casino during an event
johren118: Link please
HunterSDrunkson: Oh god I hope it wasn't on the news. But for real if your asking for a TIFU I was thinking about submitting the full story but haven't yet... worth a read to anyone?
[deleted]: Worth a read to me.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1404265937 | 1404331045 | t3_29m5rh | t5_2to41 | 58 | Deadbeatwalking: TIFU by accidentally sexting someone [NSFW]
So, my girlfriend and I were doing our usual sending-each-other-genitalia-pictures in lieu of sexytime, because I won't see her until Thursday. Being the cautious man I am, after our long-distance foreplay, I deleted all the pictures off of my phone. Afterwards, I was talking with a friend of mine, who is a girl I used to like. We were talking about the mediocre facial hair I had grown, and she asked me for a picture. Naturally, I took one and sent it to her.
That was Horrible Mistake #1.
I looked down at my phone, and quickly realized that my phone had sent her the dick pic I had just deleted. I stared at it, and it stared at me.
I quickly rectified the situation by more or less saying "Hey, this guy keeps sending me dick pics on tumblr, do I seem gay?" She seemed skeptical, but sort of began joking about thinking it was me. Slowly, her remarks grew more and more suspicious, and it seemed like she knew that I sent it by mistake. I chose to fix the situation by sending her one I had already sent, to make the original one seem less accidental.
That was Horrible Mistake #2.
The plan went off without a hitch, and although I felt like shit for sending it to her, she immediately became more interested in making jokes about me getting anonymous dick pics than trying to find out who it was. Second half of the plan was convincing her to delete both pictures, which she did, because I told her that friends of mine sometimes go through my phone.
I'm stuck somewhere between "Oh dear god that actually worked she doesn't have the pictures anymore" and "Oh dear god that's basically cheating on my girlfriend I am literal human trash".
I don't know if I should rejoice in knowing she called my dick huge and that I got off scot-free, or begin self-flagellation sending another girl pictures of my noodle. All I do know is that today, I fucked up.
sasukechaos: It was not any sort of emotional cheating. No harm no foul. Bringing it up to the girlfriend would hurt her regardless of this. It's not worth feeling bad about or making your girlfriend who you love feel bad about.
CreteDeus: Don't listen to this guy! You need to cue your girlfriend into the con or else it might unravel if your friend question your girlfriend later!
Deadbeatwalking: As this girl and girlfriend have never met and likely never will, I don't have to worry about that.
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1404269414 | 1404318109 | t3_29mak8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping a pack of smokes in the work toilet
So, today was like any other day.. I was taking a piss before the hour long commute home. Pretty normal stuff. I reach over to flush the toilet and I heard something splash. Yep, a pack of cigarettes with 18 left.
I considered grabbing them.. but I decided to wait until the pee water was gone, because there's no possible way they could fit down the hole. Right? Right?! Wrong.
There they went, into the abyss. I won't know if I've seriously clogged the pipes until tomorrow..
**TL;DR** I should stop smoking.
ViciousAxel: I once bought two packs of Marlboro reds on a night out. In the UK at that time, Marlboro reds were about £8.10 a pack, they're nearly £9 some places now. I then booked a taxi to go home. By the time the taxi arrived I'd smoked one and given two away, leaving 17 left in one pack and the other pack untouched. Upon getting out of the taxi, I reached for my open pack and couldn't find it. I shut the door thinking it must be in my other pocket. As the taxi pulled away I realised they must have been in the back seat. Tried waving him down but he didn't stop.
dctrMJ: Holy shit £9 for a pack? Where I live 2 dollars is the tops you pay for a pack of cigs.
ViciousAxel: Yeah, the cost of a pack of cigs in the UK is around 75% tax. It's beyond a joke.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1404268871 | 1404352347 | t3_29m9t2 | t5_2to41 | 10 | KatyJessica: TIFU by watching porn
el_crunz: You should have just made up a better lie, he's only 8.
KatyJessica: I didn't tell him what I did. And "nothing" was just my normal reaction to anything, it was a quick, not thinking reaction.
el_crunz: But like "I was playing baseball" would have probably done the trick.
KatyJessica: He knows how baseball is played...he goes every week and plays.
el_crunz: Haha that was just an example. I'm sure it's all good, cheers!
KatyJessica: Ah
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1404269440 | 1404318160 | t3_29mam5 | t5_2to41 | 3,030 | LetsFlyAwayy: TIFU by stabbing myself in the vagina. NSFW
I'm an intern right now and have quick a long bus commute to work. We changed office buildings yesterday into a much nicer tower and today I dressed a little nicer than usual for it. This involves a pencil skirt (problem 1).
I'm running a bit late and tried to jump down the steps off the porch to save time, I ended up having to catch myself in a tiger pose and heard a small rip tear the back of my skirt. I didn't have time to change so I quickly put a safety pin in and decided I'd fix it in the bathroom. Big mistake.
So I barely make the bus and get a window seat. An older man was behind me and shuffled in right next to me. I should preface that I was wearing big, over-the-ear headphones and couldn't hear much else. So I sit down and suddenly feel a sharp, piercing pain on my vaginal folds. Like all the way in there. I let out a scream, that was much louder than I realized what with my headphones, and the entire bus turns to stare at me. I readjust so that the head of the pin is no longer in my skin, and sit back down, trying to lessen the scene.
I'm still in a ton of pain but figure it's just a sensitive area. About halfway through my ride the man next to me stands up to get off and I notice a red stain on the corner of his jacket that was next to me. Horrified, I inch my ass off the seat and realize I'm sitting in a small pool of blood that has soaked through and ruined my skirt and is covering the seat.
Now, I'm used to bleeding down there, but something about this being real blood made my stomach queazy. Got off the bus immediately and called in sick. Not today.
Tl;dr I safety pinned my vagina and bled on a bus and an old dude.
SUCKLE_MY_BUTTHOLE: You can't make this shit up
Tim337: I will certainly suckle your butthole.
SUCKLE_MY_BUTTHOLE: *unzips*
Tim337: Is there a dick in front? I don't mind, I just want to know.
SUCKLE_MY_BUTTHOLE: Yeah but that's not part of this party baaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Tim337: :(
johnjohnsmithy123: You've already signed up for this wild ride.
Get ready to suckle.
Fambida: The important question is whether he has bonus flavor hemorrhoids. Give 'em a pop for a quick burst of iron and copper flavor.
johnjohnsmithy123: &#3232;_&#3232;
Stingray191: Ditto.
Super_Zac: http://imgur.com/hGW1cPB
| 12 | 252.5 | |
1404269359 | 1404350286 | t3_29mahk | t5_2to41 | 104 | DisappointedMormon: TIFU by making a disabled kid taste his own pee
Ok, so this didn't happen today, it was about 8 years ago. I just got a new gig caring for disabled foster babies, the parents were leaving town for 4 days and left me with the 6 kids for the first time.
I'm going to change the diaper on this little boy, around age 3, who has spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. Basically he has no control over his limbs which are very stiff and spastic. So I'm holding his butt up in the air, changing him, when he has an arc of pee that goes perfectly right to his mouth. He freezes. His eyes are going back and forth as his tongue darts out and he tastes it. He's completely still as he is processing WTF he is tasting.
When I told the parents what happened, they were good sports about it, and told me more about the little boy. He was born 4 months premature, so had a feeding tube from the moment he was born. He had never EVER had any food or drink orally...until that day. The first and only thing he's ever tasted was his own pee...thanks to me.
TL;DR: I was changing a kid's diaper when he peed in his own mouth...now the only thing he's ever tasted is HIS OWN PEE.
Mybunsareonfire: [I peed on/in my own face/mouth when I was a baby and was having my diaper changed....](http://imgur.com/qKxvQUT)
dnmlsd: are you 11
epicnesshunter: and has spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy?
Mybunsareonfire: Not yet...not yet...
| 5 | 20.8 | |
1404275647 | 1404295509 | t3_29mir0 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by basically donating $150 to EA.
A little background: Living in the U.S. soccer had always been a "pussy sport", and my parents never put me into a youth league or anything like that. I had never played soccer at all until last summer when my soccer playing friends introduced me to EA's FIFA video game series. We would have FIFA tournaments every week and they were really fun, so I bought FIFA13 and started playing real soccer with them too. (sidenote: I have been playing/watching soccer for over 9 months now and I love it.)
I bought FIFA14 when it came out, and I would play the FUT game mode where you can spend real money to buy packs where you can try to get the best real life players for your squad. It started out with a simple $10 charge to my debit card to get my team started. After a bunch of playing and months of time passed by I had a very formidable team. The microtransactions made it so I didn't feel like I was spending very much. I couldn't have been more naive, in a span of six months I donated $150 straight to EA so that I have some virtual players on a video game.
The worst part other than the waste of my personal funds is that I am a relatively light spender in the FIFA universe. There are children over in the UK spending in excess of 500 British pounds of their parents money on FIFA sometimes on a monthly basis.
I hate EA and all of their moneymaking douchebaggery, and now my debit card is never going to be linked to my xbl account ever again.
tl;dr: spent $150 on microtransactions in FIFA14, and I don't even play all that much.
winstonjpenobscot: Yeah, it's $150 on one game, that is a lot. On the other hand, if you've been playing for six months, that's $25 a month for something you obviously enjoyed (you played with your friends "and they were really fun"). Some people have their friends over to passively watch sports on the satellite/cable TV, sports packages plus cable are well over a hundred a month.
(And you probably could continue playing FIFA without spending another dime)
Yeah, EA (and all the others) are moneymaking d#$@#$@#!!@#s, but at least take that money and use it to make more games people enjoy.
Turbo_Vince: I still play to this day, FUT is a fully online game mode though, and I enjoy it far less than other modes, that being said it is still unique, and I'll continue to play it, but I'm just angry that I recklessly spent my money on a game mode that I don't get crazy enjoyment from. If anything buying FIFA points to open packs is just like playing the lottery, except if you "win" you don't get any money in return.
abelcc: You didn't fuck up that bad OP. I played a game with microtransactions and energy where one guy spent massive money just to be in the top. It was a flash game too so basically he didn't enjoy more stuff, just have better stats and be able to play more often. I'm talking about more than 5 thousand dollars.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1404275288 | 1404360162 | t3_29mibs | t5_2to41 | 14 | lsttexas: TIFU by putting the butt end of knife into my fan blades.
Knife shot out of my hands and hit me right under the eye. I was in shock for about 5 minutes, thinking how stupid and lucky I was at the same damn time.
Caddywonked: I just... I don't even... why would you stick a knife in a fan?!?
lsttexas: I dont know. I Fucked up.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404275900 | 1404401645 | t3_29mj1s | t5_2to41 | 449 | flatpacked: TIFU when I cried over spilt milk
Today I fucked up. I have a pretty bad summer cold or allergy's or whatever. I've been rasping my face with brown paper shop towels and dollar tree paper towels because the constant nasal drip is to much for some toilet paper. Needless to say my nose is pretty raw.
So I just made diner and its Taco Tuesday. I can't smell to well so I put in way to much hot sauce and chili's in it. It sure cleaned out my sinuses though. Diner was good but greasy so I kept having to dry my hands on a paper towel. I'm mid game and I realize my nose is dripping so I reach for my trusty snot rag.
And the devils own dick is raping me in and around the nose. I look at my hands in horror of what I have done. Now I'm starting to panic as I am getting stupid. My eyes are watering so naturally I brush the tears out. So there goes my left eye.
I'm up and running to the kitchen and I grab one of the gallons of milk from the fridge. Did I say one of the gallons? Because yes I mean one of the gallons. I live with a pair of brothers who drink an abnormal amount of milk. The older of the two always buys six gallons at a time. Well they have been out of the apartment for a week now, and well. I don't really drink milk. So needless to say we have a fuck ton of milk.
I run to the bathroom to administer a quick milk bath. I strip down to my bra and panties. and pour the milk directly on my face.
First there was a splosh of liquid then. Putrid chunks rain down on my face. My mouth was open and everything. I'm standing there covered in rancid dairy. Its in my hair, some chunks pooled up in my bra and oh yeah my face is still on fire.
I'm crying a bit as I do what must be done. I scoop the chunks from my bra and cry a bit as I rub them on my face. They smelled horrible.
Next I proceed to projectile vomit. I splash it all over my nice expensive girly bath crap that I've accumulated over the years and saved for very special baths.
So I'm crying and I'm heaving and I rush to try and save the bath things I have ruined beyond repair and I slip on some spoiled milk/vomit and manage to take out the shower curtain and rod. that rod manages to take out the make up hoard that I left out because the boys are gone. There is some carnage. Most of my Pressed powders, and all my loose powders and a few bottles of perfume have broken. So a few hundred dollars worth of product was destroyed along with all my bath stuff a lot of which was small batch hand made artisan soap, fizzies, and what the fuck ever the rest of that shit is. So all my girly stuff is ruined I notice I'm wearing my favorite sexy bra, I'm covered in vomit and spoiled milk. My head and ass hurt from the fall. So I just turn the shower on as I curl up in a ball and cry.
The hot water is out and the water pressure is shit.
TLDR: TIFU raped by the devils own dick before blew a rancid load in my face destroys my life, then leaves me to shiver covered in my own vomit.
Turbo_Vince: All of this happened because of allergies, quite possibly the most massive string of fuck ups ever initiated was caused by your natural reaction to shit in the air. It may be safe to say that the universe just maybe doesn't like you.
flatpacked: I'm just glad my roommates are out of town because if they weren't they would have walked in on me curled up in the shower in my underwear covered in vomit and spoiled milk crying.
Actually had they been home, the Milk would have been drunken already. I would have just had a delightful milk bath and my skin would be soft and smooth.
But at least I didn't shit myself.
SocraticMethHead: That would be a great motto for this sub. Unless of course you *did* shit yourself.
dorianfinch: She had tacos---there's still time...
flatpacked: I'm Mexican. The shitting of oneself from Mexican food seems to be a white people problem.
hkdharmon: I'm white. Spicy food doesn't bother me. I think that is mostly the more translucent folks from the Midwest who think ketchup is hot-sauce.
flatpacked: Are those the same people who think mayo goes on everything?
hkdharmon: These are the people who literally voted [Taco Bell the best Mexican restaurant in their town.](http://www.rrstar.com/article/20120925/Blogs/309259868)
flatpacked: To be fair, they may not have a lot of options.
Also poor you being down voted on your cake day,
hkdharmon: Hmm, now that I think about it, you may be correct.
And that is what I get for getting sucked into a flame-off. Wrestling with pigs, and all that.
| 11 | 40.818182 | |
1404276469 | 1404277160 | t3_29mjof | t5_2to41 | 1 | OverratedHyperbole: TIFU by eating my dad out. [NSFW]
OverratedHyperbole: I'm sorry that I cannot find a small community of people to recant my story to. I'll be leaving now I guess.
AppleSponge: maybe 4chan will like it
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1404278948 | 1404365965 | t3_29mmo9 | t5_2to41 | 17 | VGremlinV: TIFU By Stabbing Myself in the Eye...with a Paper Bag...
I was at work, in the grocery store, when an old veteran walks up to my register. I was trying to show him the respect he deserved, by bagging his groceries quickly and neatly.
In the store I work at, we can "double bag" by putting a paper bag without handles inside a plastic bag with handles to make it easier to carry. Well, the paper bags sometimes stick together. In one awful, terrorizing moment, I pulled the bag which flew into my face, stabbing me in the eye with one of the sharp corners.
With tears running down my face, I finished up the order, not wanting to look weak in front of the veteran, and ran to the bathroom. I scratched the inside of my eyelid and can't open my eye.
Who the hell stabs him/herself with a paper bag????
51_percent_human: I doubt a war veteran would take offense to anything you did as a cashier in a grocery store.
Sypher0110: Unless your rude or cant do your job properly I dont think anyone anywhere cares what you do as a cashier let alone get offended.
VGremlinV: Tell that to the old woman who tried to get me fired for not being able to change the price on something.... Haha
Sypher0110: Lol, correction: any normal person.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1404281670 | 1404283507 | t3_29mply | t5_2to41 | 7 | Sindradite: TIFU by being a total idiot and having sent my now ex nudes.
As many before me this happened months back. I was with a guy who I thought I would be with for a long time.
We flirted via snapchat when he was away and I thought I would send him a couple of sexy pics to keep him warm at night. He screen shot them and I didn't think much of it.
Now we have broken up due to some really bad shit that he did and I've just clicked that he has those photos on his phone.
To make it worse I had only just last week told my daughter off for doing stupid shit where others can have a record of it.
Ingens_Testibus: Honestly, I have never figured out why women do this. Even if you are 200% certain that your boyfriend/husband/whatever is a fine upstanding gentlemen, never ever do this unless you're okay with everyone in the world seeing your junk. You just have to go into it knowing this will happen.
EDIT: Having said all of that, I'm glad they do!
Sindradite: I think it's also cause I was a little chubby too. I've lost a couple of dress sizes now.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404283119 | 1404289207 | t3_29mqyh | t5_2to41 | 13 | aeswins: TIFU by hurting my boyfriend's ego.
I have helped him with writing for awhile. Sometimes he asks, sometimes I volunteer.. but TIFU by telling him "We're going to be starting college soon, and I've been helping you out with a lot of simple things like emails… don't you think you should be trying to focus on your own and get this kind of stuff down so you don't end up using me as a crutch?"
It was the truth, but I could have said it in a better way that didn't hurt his feelings. I feel like a shitty girlfriend. I was legitimately worried that my helping him might hinder him from learning on his own, and make school difficult for him (and me). He was really hurt. What can I do to mend this?
papapajama: when you say helping him with writing... you mean creatively or just the basic stuff?
codalaw: A is for Apple. B is for Bee, hehe yes, they sound the same!
Edit: I made a boo boo
papapajama: Does he have the qualifications for college? can I ask why he can't write?
codalaw: Why ask me? I am not OP..
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1404284764 | 1404416763 | t3_29msf6 | t5_2to41 | 217 | kittysub: TIFU by trying out a new sex toy (NSFW)
So, I recently ordered a cheap set of kegel balls on Amazon. Now, when I say cheap, I mean CHEAP. I had a few bucks to spend, and I know about unsafe materials and such, but my intention was to just try them out a few times before committing to anything expensive. They are the kind that is weighted, covered in some sort of silicon, and attached at the middle.
Upon opening the package, I noticed that they had a very small seam on them, but I figured it would be a non-issue since the material they were made out of was rubbery, not hard plastic, and it only stuck out slightly in a few places, which I figured wouldn't make much contact (namely, a little on both ends, and a little in the middle connecty-bit). Well, I was headed to dinner, and decided to pop them in and give it a whirl. I should note that the two balls are quite large, and were a little difficult to insert. If there's a will, there's a way, however.
Dinner goes by without a hitch, but the experience is lackluster. As I head back from dinner, I am met with the overwhelming urge to urinate. So, I shuffle quickly to the restroom and shut the door. As I do, I notice a small amount of urine leaking from my bits. I rush to sit on the toilet, grab the string of they toy and try to remove it so it doesn't fall out into the toilet. It doesn't budge. I pull harder. Nothing. My urine stream is blocked by the toy as well (it was pushing against the urethra from the inside), so no risk of peeing on my hand, thank goodness. I squat over the toilet and try pulling a different direction.
Slowly, *slowly* the toy begins to come out. As it moves, I am met with a terrifying sensation. it feels as though i'm giving the insides of my vagina multiple paper cuts. Quitting is for quitters, so I can't stop now! I finally get in the rest of the way out as this searing pain shoots up my spine, when suddenly the urine that was blocked by the large toy comes rushing out, soaking my hand, the toy, the toilet seat, and most painfully, **my freshly wounded nether-bits.**
I clean up, wash the toy, then gingerly wash my torn-up hole and waddle out of the restroom. Hours later, it still hurts to sit, and it **really** hurts to pee. Not sure i'll be using that toy ever again. FML.
**Update:** All healed up, I think. It was probably just some irritation. There was never any blood. The pain's all gone anyway.
StarbuckPirate: Send them back to Amazon, the above story should be your review.
wolfman86: Classy review. :D
kittysub: They weren't worth nearly enough to send them back. I'll just throw them out. I did, however, write a very detailed review warning others not to buy these.
| 4 | 54.25 | |
1404285995 | 1404333402 | t3_29mtkb | t5_2to41 | 172 | mebeonreddit: TIFU by performing a citizens arrest, on a cat
OK, not today. A little while ago.
I used to live in a first floor flat, with my wife & 2 cats. We had a cat flap in the kitchen window at work-surface level, so the cats could get in & out via a sloping roof outside the window.
I found out that an un-neutered tom cat was entering the cat flap and filling his face from our cats' bowls, then pissing high-stink tom cat piss around the place just so we knew he'd paid a visit.
I resolved to ambush this cat to 'teach it a lesson'. This was the plan - One night, set the cat flap to 'in only', then wait up for said tom. Catch him in the kitchen, grab him by the scruff of the neck and eject him via the front door. That'll show him.
So, one night I flicked the catch on the cat flap so he couldn't get out, and went to bed. I sat up in my dressing gown reading a book, with our 2 cats asleep on my feet (keeps them nice & warm).
I dozed off.
Around 1am I awoke and realised that the faint creak of the cat flap had aroused me. Our 2 cats were still at the end of the bed, but looking alertly toward the door. Clearly the perpetrator had arrived! Time to show him who's boss.
I trod oh-so-quietly to the kitchen, but that wasn't really necessary as there was tom slamming food down his neck as fast as he could and making an unbelievable racket as he did so, easily enough noise to cover my approach. Sounded more like a herd of pigs at the trough. As I rounded the corner to the kitchen he became aware of my presence and bolted for the cat flap, leaving a trail of cat food, that he'd crammed into his face but hadn't had time to swallow, across the kitchen floor. Doink! Cat flap doesn't open. Panic-stricken tom cat is lying on his side frantically scrabbling at the cat flap, his little paws a blur. 'Got you now!' I exclaimed triumphantly and seized him by the scruff of the neck in a vice-like grip, just as planned.
BIG MISTAKE
I might as well have not had hold of him at all, as in an instant he turned in my grip, sank his teeth into my hand and then raked my arms, neck, face & chest with his claws, at the same time managing to motor up and down the work-surface knocking glass jars full of pasta and assorted other breakables to the floor. This was accompanied by the most incredible caterwauling. I was now wondering what the hell to do, as if he could do me this much damage with me holding him down, what the fuck was he going to do unfettered? I decided to cut my losses and hurled him out of the kitchen into the hallway, whereupon I heard him thunder down the stairs and THUNK into the front door. My wife is shouting 'What the fuck is going on?' Me: 'Just stay where you are, there's a bloody mental case cat loose in here'
Then he came back up and did a tour of the flat at about 75mph while I'm scrabbling frantically to open the cat flap so he can get out, but there's blood all over my fingers and I couldn't get a grip on the little plastic tab thing. I finally got it open by banging it with a spatula, and just in time as the maniac cat comes back in the kitchen and BAM out through the cat flap.
Did the trick. Never saw that cat again.
I've still got the scars.
TL;DR. Planned to own cat. Got owned.
dragsaw: Why not just lock the set the cat flap to "in" at night?
[deleted]: you mean out? In would not let it leave where out would let things leave but not in. Either way he should have just locked it period. People can get though those cat flaps. Maybe not their body but all you need is one of those flexible 5 foot grabbing arms with a camera on it to get to a lock.
DoubleTrump: You can get your whole body through it. In high school that's how I'd get into my parents' house when I didn't have my keys, and I'm not small.
[deleted]: Depends on a lot of factors. How big you are vs how big the cat needs to be to fix vs how big the flap actually is. All in all just lock out when you have all your cats in and don't want let anything else in. Or out.
DoubleTrump: Yeah absolutely. This was technically a dog door, but for small dogs (shibas!) and was also controlled by a magnet on the dogs' collars. In the presence of the field, the rigid door would retract up. Shit was awesome, but tricky to break into. Fortunately, because of that, nothing other than the dogs or me could even get it to open at any time.
| 6 | 28.666667 | |
1404288972 | 1404347814 | t3_29mvzp | t5_2to41 | 756 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at my wife's phone
My wife recently messed her phone up and wanted my to try and fix it. When she hands it to me she says, "there are some things in my pictures I don't want you to see. You wouldn't understand. Please don't look.
Ummm. Ok. What the fuck? I try to respect her wishes. But as I have her phone longer the more curious I become. Does she have a secret love? Weird fetish? Nudes?
I decide to check it out. I was so nervous my stomach hurt. What I saw was awful. No husband should have to see what I saw.
Shit. Big nasty grown man shits. My wife likes to take pics of her shit. Her shit! What the ffffffffffuck. Big turds, little turds, brown water, diahrea spatter. They are all there. They are all hers. But that's not all. Videos. Lots of videos. Diahrea videos. Turd videos. By this time in disgusted. My sweet wife. One of the classiest women I know, likes to look at her shit.
Never will I be able to unsee the horrors that I saw. Never will I be able to look at that ass the same way again. I've contemplated asking her about them but it's already awkward enough.
EDIT TO ADD: we talked about it and I'm trying to get her to let me post a pic of those black bananas, ass goblin or whatever you want to call it.
sasukechaos: Asking her will ruin something she enjoys doing as well as cause her to ~~loose~~lose trust in you. Just be glad it wasn't other peoples ~~disks~~dicks and move on. Who knows maybe she has a medical reason she needs to keep track and you'll look like an asshole too. Men and women pretend women don't shit. Uphold the lie.
The_Prime: What the hell? It's real life, not a tv drama! It's his *wife* he is *living* with her, and she could eventually be raising their *children*.
The hell with 'ruin something she enjoys doing as well as cause her to loose trust in you'?!
They **have** to talk about it.
xilpaxim: Why? It's just a fetish for her. Let her have it. If you think this is a mental instability (by your comment below) then your just a fucking asshole and probably have a ton of hidden things you don't even admit to yourself. You sick fuck.
The_Prime: Wow WOW !? Why being so sensitive, vulgar and illogical ? I never said that she is mentally disabled, I'm just implying that *she might be*. And that's true.
Did I say anything about not letting her have it? I said they needed to **talk** about it, only OP knows whether he can accept this kind of thing from his wife. Are you just retarded and can't even understand simple sentences?
Nah, I don't have *hidden things* I hide from myself (that's really a stupid thing to say), but that woman has stuff she hides from her husband and that's wrong no matter how you look at it.
You went mad for no reasons, and just said stupid things. I don't care if you have weird fetishes. Just shut the fuck up.
xilpaxim: having hidden things you hide from yourself means that you don't want to admit something about yourself to yourself. It happens. An example is someone that doesn't want to admit to themselves that they are gay, that a guy likes guys, he will lie to himself, hide those feelings from himself and make his own life more miserable than admit that he is gay.
I understand simple sentences easily. Do you understand complex thoughts? Obviously not. Just because someone likes weird things does **not** make them mentally unstable or disabled, it just makes them different. You're an asshole for thinking something different makes someone disabled or unstable.
So why don't ***YOU*** STFU.
The_Prime: Oh my God, **how many times** will I have to say that I didn't say because she has weird tastes (in my ans OP's opinion, at least), it means she is mentally unstable?! You do it on purpose or you're just retarded?
I said that she *might be*, and unless you to say that psychology has it all wrong, liking weird things actually *makes you* potentially unstable(kids who like to set thing on fire, people who like dead stuff,etc). I'm sorry but that's a thing, poor thing. I'm not saying that *they are*, I'm saying that they *might be* and some are definitively**not**. Is it clear enough for you? I can't do better.
So before arguing on the internet about things you know nothing about, you should at least make sure that you understand what people are saying. It's not hard, use your brain.
You do feel stupid right now, don't you? That's because you are. Please, don't edit your comment in case I want to show it to my friends.
You're welcome.
xilpaxim: Also, I don't feel stupid, I feel quite content. And justified in my opinion that you suck. Like, giant, enormous even, donkey balls.
The_Prime: Yeah, sure. You should google the meaning of 'justified'.
xilpaxim: Let's see. ***EVERY.....SINGLE....COMMENT OF YOURS....ON THIS THREAD...HAS BEEN DOWNVOTED TO HELL***
Yup, pretty justified. You're an idiot, and most likely a misogynistic asshole. Mostly likely late teens or early 20s, raised by an asshole father and a mother that walked a few paces behind him. You're a dick on a massive scale, and not in a good way. You've probably had all your schooling paid for by mommy and daddy, and think you're hot shit.
Good luck when you hit 40, no one is going to like you by then.
The_Prime: What's your point now? And what if every of my comments on this thread were downvoted? It just mean that, at worst, most people who visited it do not share my opinion. And I'm totally fine with it. Weren't you the one promoting 'being different' just a few comments ago? Seems like it's only words. But I really do not care about conformism.
But you? You're an absolute joke. Now that you've seen that you can't win with logic ( being utterly stupid), you feel ashamed and resort to poor attempts at being 'mean'. It's pathetic. And even if you did succeed, you would still have been wrong for the entire conversation ,and that would not change a single thing.
But the worst part is that you're not even doing it right.
'idiot'? Most likely not, and you already know that. Since I've debunked every stupidity you said.
'Misogynistic asshole'. (that one relly made me laugh! Yeah, but do you even know what misogynistic means? its referring to a behavior 'reflecting or exhibiting hatred, dislike, mistrust, or mistreatment of women.' Now tell me **what parts** of my comments made you think that? reusing expressions you've read on tumblr without knowing their meaning only further proves your stupidity. For God sake I won't even mention the fact that I could be a great girl.
Now my parents. That was the funniest part actually. And no, they are not ''mostly likely' assholes, they were kinda cool actually. Thanks to them, I'm not a retard like you.
You only made **one** valid point. I **do think** that I'm hot shit. But that's thanks to people like you, who always remind me at what point I'm blessed.
Don't you even see that there's something **wrong** with randomly making assumptions, when any dog probably has an IQ higher than yours?
Nah, just with 'randomly making assumptions'? If you can't, that's fine. Now go play.
xilpaxim: TL;DR
| 12 | 63 | |
1404290322 | 1404326604 | t3_29mx0k | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by being lazy, which led to my parents finding out about a computer I've been hiding from them for 2 years
Our family owns a restaurant and My sister and I help out around the restaurant over summer break. Everyday my dad would wake up and go to the restaurant at 9 while my mom and I would go at 10, and I would drive back home once i drop my mom off. I would wait for my sister to wake up and I would drive us to the restaurant to help out. That was the norm.
What was unusual about today was that my mom said that we could stay at home until 2, when my shift begins. So when I got home, I turned my tower on and watched the World Cup (Argentina vs Switzerland). At the 70th minute mark, my mom called for us to be there. I was being lazy and decided to just leave the tower out sitting in my room. Normally, I always hide it under my bed and would never leave it out in the open without it leaving my sight. I don't remember the reason why I decided to leave my tower out there.
At around 3 in the afternoon, my mom went home to do the laundry while I was out doing a delivery. When she came back, she asked me when I bought a new computer. At that moment I knew I was fucked. All those years of hiding busted all due to my refusal to take 20 seconds to pit everything under my bed.
So now here I am waiting for my banishment from the family. I'll post this when the situation settles
Update: my parents are "not mad, but disappointed" they said that it's not because I spent the money to build the computer, but that I did this behind their back. My dad was impressed I built a tower all by my own at 14, though he's still pretty pissed
**Edit:** why feel the need to hide it? My parents would give us a red envelope every once in a while, such as Chinese New Years. These red envelopes contain money. We have a book that keeps track of our deposit records technically, those money aren't mine. Because Chinese have a tradition of giving envelops to kids containing x amount of money, and the parents of that kid would give a red envelop containing the same amount of money to the children of the other parent. The reason I hide the tower was because 14 year old me didn't want my parents to know I built a $1,200 tower.
psider: I instantly thought of OP as Asian when I read the first sentence.
southinthatmouth: It's funny. I thought the same thing because a friend of mine work's at her parent's restaurant for basically nothing all summer long and sometimes during the school year. They're Chinese/Vietnamese.
| 3 | 5 | |
1404291245 | 1404326913 | t3_29mxnr | t5_2to41 | 28 | Bajablessed: TIFU: By loaning an old phone to a friend. NSFW(kinda)
Background: I'm the "tech guy" in my circles, I know more about technology than I honestly ought to and I'm the go-to guy when any of my friends has a tech related issue. As the techie, I have owned several phones, including multiple android phones, which is where our problem starts.
Several months ago my friend of many years had some phone trouble, it had to be returned and replaced under insurance and that meant he would be without a phone for several days. He called me up and asked if I had a phone he could borrow for a few days. He uses my same network and it's a GSM network which means it's easy to swap phones around. I agreed happily and loaned him an older samsung exhibit 2 (which I had a custom rom on but I did a "factory data reset" on before passing it off.) Anyhow, he got the new one a few days later and just recently returned the phone to me. When I got it back, I checked to make sure he had all his data off of it, which included going to the gallery and looking for pictures. Mind you, I was standing there with him and his mom when I did this. I opened the camera folder and my heart sank as I realized that I had loaned him a phone with a ton of dick pics in it as the factory wipe hadn't totally cleared the phone apparently and the pictures I had intended only for my then girlfriend had been on his phone this whole time. This is made better by the fact that he left this phone on the family table for 5 months while he worked out of state. I'm not sure I can show my face around his parents for a while.
Edit: He used it but I didn't press him for it back as we're old friends and it's no big deal to me, I wasn't using it. Shortly after, he went to this job so it stayed where he left it, I didn't think it would be on the family table.
Voyager5555: How does a couple days turn into 5 months on the kitchen table?
drew55555: I often see your username and wonder, why only four fives?
Voyager5555: It's from [Interstella 555](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interstella_5555:_The_5tory_of_the_5ecret_5tar_5ystem), the Daft Punk movie from their Discovery album
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
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[**Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interstella%205555:%20The%205tory%20of%20the%205ecret%205tar%205ystem): [](#sfw)
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>___Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem___ (インターステラ5555, *Intāsutera Fō Faibu* ?, "Four Five") is a feature-length Japanese-French [animated](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anime) [adventure](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adventure) [musical film](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Musical_film) originally released on May 28, 2003. The film is the visual realization of *[Discovery](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discovery_(Daft_Punk_album\))*, an album by [Daft Punk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daft_Punk). Each track from the album has been animated as an episode in the story of the abduction and rescue of an interstellar pop band. The film was produced by Daft Punk, Cédric Hervet and Emmanuel de Buretel along with [Toei Animation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toei_Animation), under the supervision of [Leiji Matsumoto](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leiji_Matsumoto). The film has no dialogue and minimal sound effects.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/kuhzYNo.jpg) [^(i)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Interstella5555.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Discovery ^\(Daft ^Punk ^album)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discovery_\(Daft_Punk_album\)) ^| [^Daft ^Punk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daft_Punk) ^| [^One ^More ^Time ^\(Daft ^Punk ^song)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_More_Time_\(Daft_Punk_song\)) ^| [^Face ^to ^Face ^\(Daft ^Punk ^song)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Face_to_Face_\(Daft_Punk_song\))
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| 5 | 5.6 | |
1404293586 | 1404297485 | t3_29mzf2 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Skootchy: TIFU: I accidently sent a picture of ny dick to everyone I know (including coworkers) a snapchat of my dick
It happened tonight. I got off work and I live in Arizona so I drink a lot of water to stave off the 115 degree weather. I got home after a 12 hour shift and its about 45 minutes to drive home. As soon as I got home I had to urinate. I sat down to pee because I stand on concrete all day and it takes a toll on your feet. As most people do, I started dicking around on my phone and for some reason I like to take ridiculous snapchats of myself that I would NEVER send to anyone...but sometimes think about doing. Well. I took a picture of myself giving a thumbs up, making sure my flacid penis was fully in view and all of a sudden it dissapeared. I actually didn't accidently hit any buttons, but here I am. It is super late and I just moved so everyone besides the people I work with now are all 2 hours behind me. Within 5 minutes I started getting snapchats back and Facebook messages basically saying "OMG YOUR SNAPCHAT." It took me a while to realize what waa going on. I sent one earlier that made me think that was it..basically everyone where I'm from is experiencing major flooding, so I sent one saying " everyone is getting flooded and I'm like *start chugging a cold beer in my awesome backyard in the beautiful Arizona (night) weather." Then I looked. There I am. Thumbs up with my dick in full view sitting down on the toilet. I deleted the app thinking it would take it off. Boy was I wrong. My account was still active. I never signed up because I got it when it first came out, so it linked to my phone number. So I thought that would do the trick. Ohhhhh no. People kept messaging me saying "Are you serious?" and things of that nature. It took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to delete it from My Story. During that time, in the middle of the night on a weekday, 27 people saw it. The only thing I could do was say "Don't act like youre not impressed." Well shit.
RedditReddiRedd: As long as you don't have a small dick I see nothing wrong with this as long as you explain it was an accident.
Skootchy: I am fine with my dick, it was more of the accident part I am not okay with. I mean, what man wants their flacid dick being seen by everyone they have to work with?
NEEDLE_UP_YOUR_PENIS: I understand. However, we as strangers have no opinion either way. So, y'know...
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1404281376 | 1404296117 | t3_29mpbi | t5_2to41 | 18 | HalfBakedBBQ: TIFU by putting spicy mustard on my hot dog
My brother, his girlfriend, and I all live together in house we split the bills for. Typically we all throw in for home cooked meals, someone will have the idea to make it and we will collect money from everyone else to pay for it.
So tonight I get a text while I'm up in my room playing Xbox. It's my brother's girlfriend and she wants to know I want to go to the store to get stuff for sechrist hot dogs and grilled corn. I love sechrist hot dogs, which is a butchery near us that makes amazing dogs. I tell her I'm down and I pick up what we need from the local grocery and head home. She asks me if I want to cook everything, which I proceed to do. After everything is done I set everything out at our dinner table and grab a few condiments out of the fridge. We don't keep a lot of stuff in our fridge, since we often eat out (even though 2 out of the 3 of us are cooks). The top shelf is mostly sauces and dressings that we typically use. I grabbed the ketchup, mustard, and butter. I looked for the horseradish mustard I like but it must have been used up, so I looked for something with a little bit of spice. We have a secondary area where we put things we don't use everyday that's mainly used in a recipe we're cooking. I saw some dijon mustard, and some spicy ground mustard. I pulled out the spicy one thinking this will work. I don't remember when that sauce was bought, could have been over a year ago, or possibly more. Though I knew mustard pretty much holds forever, so I didn't even look for an expiration date.
When we all sat down, I touched every hot dog I cooked and told who's hot dogs were whose. We all like them to be cooked different, and plus some were skin on and some were not. Then we proceeded to eat. That spicy mustard was no joke, or at least I thought. I had one and asked for the soda that was across the table, after two I decided I needed some mayo to cool it off a bit (which I know is weird, but eh it's good), and on the third one I was just forcing it down. It was a good heat, but a ridiculously hot good heat. I was raised on Habenero's for breakfast, no joke, and this was getting to me. My mouth started to go numb, and I felt like my gums were just ejected with novocaine and ghost peppers. Im complaining about it the whole way through, and eventually my brothers girlfriend says "did you put you mouth on the soda?" and Im like "No, I got a cup right here". Her mouth was apparently on fire when she had only ketchup, not spicy mustard, on her hot dog, and my brother started to complain about the same thing. I look at the mustard bottle and it's about 3 month expired. We typically clean our fridge out every couple of months, but things like mustard and hot sauce stay because they don't really go bad, or at least I thought. I was convinced that the vinegar in the mustard must of intensified the spice, since it was a few months over it's expiration date. Which seemed ridiculous but seemed to fit.
Another thing I have to explain is that our bedrooms are air conditioned but the rest of the house is not. There are no doors between anything except the bathrooms and the bedrooms, and since we can't afford central air we just typically spend most of the time in our bedrooms. Though after eating all that spice I started to wipe my brow. I have a lot of experience with peppers so ive my mouth is burning like that, that means no touching my eyes, or my genitals, but to me my forehead should be fine. Holy shit was I wrong, my forehead starting to burn like the worst sun burn I've ever had in my life. I've read the TIFU's about people taking a piss after handling peppers, and I've been a victim to it, but this was a whole nother level. The burn just finally went away there was atleast a 3 hour period of constant burning, and water was only seeming to spread it.
All three of us, My brother his girlfriend and I, felt the burn till about an hour ago. I was still stuck on the mustard, and was doing google searches on expired mustard. Until my brothers girlfriend asked if a hot sauce maybe fell over in the fridge. She was right, a concentrated habanero sauce that had been sitting there for atleast 2 years, one I liked to drop a single drop into a whole pot of chili, had fell over and leaked all over the bottom of this shelf. The spicy mustard had been laying flat and got the worst of it, and I touched that bottle then proceeded to touch all the the food I was preparing. I literally washed my hands 5 times and still felt a slight burn when I rubbed my eyes. Im just glad I've learned to take a piss without using my hands.
TL;DR 2 year old hot sauces don't make good facial lotion
Edit: added TL;DR
klb0903: So you didn't notice the puddle of hot sauce tipped over and covering the mustard? You took out the mustard and did all this before handling the hot dogs?
I'm a skeptic, I know.
HalfBakedBBQ: the hot sauce was hardened and dry but some kind of residue must have transferred to the mustard bottle. Also, we lost our tongs , so I was picking them up and moving them a lot with my hands and after getting the mustard I move them into 3 sets, one very lightly cooked, one with good grill marks, and ones that were crispy(because I like them crispy, my brother likes them with good grill marks, and his girlfriend likes them lightly cook). Also I touched the bottle of coke that they touched.
| 3 | 6 | |
1404294359 | 1404343676 | t3_29mzzz | t5_2to41 | 5 | ItsDarts: TIFU and partially revealed my wages to lower paid co-worker
Adderkleet: Is there a solid reason, other than gender, why she makes less than you? Because it doesn't sound like a FU unless there's some dark secret you were savvy to.
ItsDarts: Experience alone
6romperstomper9: 20% of his wage is deducted for workers comp and super.
Then of course after that he gets taxed.
Not allowed to talk about your salary to other employees? Are you in Russia? LOL
ItsDarts: Many large corporations have this policy. Supposedly helps reduce resentment amongst colleagues here in America. For example, I KNOW many engineers make way more than me, just not exactly how much. I KNOW I work harder than many engineers and feel I should get more money because they have less actual work experience, but without knowing exact amounts, it's difficult to ask for a more fair wage, so I can look elsewhere or suck it up....I've been looking elsewhere while sucking it up.
ItsDarts: [Here is a link](http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-leadership/wp/2013/08/22/what-if-we-knew-how-much-ceos-made-vs-their-workers/) that explains the ratio of CEO to worker. In America, it's downright disgusting.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1404316951 | 1404370743 | t3_29n3ap | t5_2to41 | -2 | Fly_Eagles_Fly11: Agree with the last part. Yes it is a sucky job because it is usually conducted by officers on what is supposed to be their day/night off. I am a volunteer firefighter in a small town (but get a lot of through traffic) and we do these 4 times a year. Here in Texas you must have valid insurance to drive so our checks are for insurance, valid license, drunk driving and outstanding warrants.
satyr75: All of which seems like a violation of the 4th Amendment. How is it not?
Fly_Eagles_Fly11: They arent searching the vehicle without probable cause. So would you consider, when being pulled over, the police running your DL and asking for insurance a violation of your 4th amendment rights?
satyr75: Stopping me randomly and asking me to blow into a breathalyzer - I absolutely consider that a violation. If I showed signs that I may have been intoxicated, pull me over. But just because it's a weekend, holiday, or I'm *near* a bar...
Fly_Eagles_Fly11: Why would you care about a checkpoint thats trying to make the roads safer? Blow the damn thing and be on your way.
satyr75: I care about everybody violation of my rights. If I'm willing to give this up today for the greater good, what would I be willing to give up tomorrow? “Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.”
Fly_Eagles_Fly11: People like you just make me shake my head. Agree to disagree
sturmspitz: I don't understand why you're being downvoted.
datDamageControlTho: Because he's wrong.
sturmspitz: In your opinion he is. As an Australian, I'm extremely thankful that we don't have these amendments which are the cause of so many issues. It's simply a roadside check to ensure that you're following the law and keeping everybody else on the road safe. Think about it. If these random breath tests were illegal, a high proportion of people would be willing to take the risk of driving while intoxicated. It would be disastrous.
kmoran1: Wrong, it's been proven more people are caught DUI while LEO are patrolling than during a checkpoint
sturmspitz: I'm Wrong? What you just said has no relevance to the point I was making. I'm sure that patrols probably do catch more people DUI than RBT's. However RBTs are a necessary precaution as they prevent people from taking as many risks in the first place.
kmoran1: > h more people DUI than RBT's. However RBTs are a necessary precaution as they prevent people from taking as many risks in the first place.
as an Australian your opinion doesn't matter in my country
sturmspitz: Um...it kinda does. Driving is universal. DUI is universal. I'm not seeing the issue here. Does your country (I'll assume USA?) not have intoxicated drivers on your roads?
kmoran1: As you mentioned... no 4th amendment in your country :D booyah bye you don't fully grasp it sayonara leave it
walk out adios
sturmspitz: Well until that last sentence I had you pinned as a mature, but potentially misguided individual far too engulfed in national pride to realise the bigger picture. But now, I'm starting to doubt the maturity. Either way, I think this discussion has run it's course. Thanks for the chat :)
itscalledacting: Good call buddy.
| 17 | -0.117647 | |
1404295932 | 1404336063 | t3_29n18j | t5_2to41 | 51 | 04binksa: TIFU by towel-whipping myself in the testicle
Less than 30mins into my day and I have already fucked up. After having finished my nice warm morning shower, I go to feel the loving fluffy comfort of a fresh clean towel. However in my excitement for dryness I find myself yanking the towel down from the rack with some force. Using my cat-like reflexes I grab the bottom of the towel, pulling it up to my face (first port of call in any drying routine). What I don't consider is that this leaves the top of the towel on course for a swift change in direction right at the level of my left nut, which it of course strikes with some force, leaving me crouched on the floor of the bathroom clutching my manhood.
tl;dr - My balls hurt.
Vtiboy: OH SNAP!.......see....see what I did there :)
Inoxinox: That is what I call a dry sense of humor.
kingofphysics: Shut up ball-hogs! I want some upvotes too!
NotLurkingAnymoreBro: too bad. you loose.
| 5 | 10.2 | |
1404299829 | 1404323963 | t3_29n4df | t5_2to41 | 4 | DadDrone: TIFU with bacon
So last night, my youngest wanted to watch a DVD he had gotten from the library that day. His mother had to run some errands and we had enough time before bed that a movie would fit. "Sure, buddy". I get him setup on the couch and stick it in the dvd. Crap, its one of those that require you hit to 'play' on screen before the movie will start. I mash some buttons on the front of the Blu-Ray player. Its not starting. I tear the living room apart looking for the remote (we don't really use it that much). Find it, its broken. I only discover this after changing the batteries a couple of times. Fine. I have a universal remote, I'll just program it. I grab my laptop and look up codes, 10-12 codes later. I finally get it to work. Hooray! But by now, my wife has returned and says its too late to start the movie now and that we will just have to watch it in the morning. I'm so proud of my little guy. He took it like a man after sitting there so patiently while I scrambled to get the damn thing to work. With just an "awwww", he was off to bed. In the mornings, I get up with the kids and let my wife sleep a little longer. So when he gets up, I tell him he can watch his movie. He has the biggest smile on his face. Everything starts running and I go to make his breakfast. I see that we have bacon. He looooves bacon so I tell I'll make him some bacon to go with his breakfast. The smile wraps around his face. I sitck the bacon in, and while its cooking I realize my horrific mistake. The movie he is watching is the original "Charollette's Web". He's too young to realize the disturbing irony, but fuck me.
HedgehogBlowjob: So, how did you fuck up?
inspiredunease: Charlotte's web is about a pig that's about to be slaughtered...
zigzaggeezus: But the kid is oblvious and nothing happens...so this story reads..
Cooked my son bacon to eat while watching a movie...
| 4 | 1 | |
1404301984 | 1404324917 | t3_29n6ag | t5_2to41 | 8 | Jimmy_Bowl-point-0: TIFU by possibly getting my dad fired
This happened last night but whatever, it's still more recent than most of the stories on here. Okay, so my dad brought a copy of MS Office for Mac home from work and my mom wanted me to install it on her laptop, so I registered the license and installed it.
Well apparently my dads company is going through a Microsoft audit right now and it was the company's product key. Now, my dad said not to install that software, but before I did anything, through a long series of misunderstandings, my mom and I both thought that my dad gave the other the green light, so I went ahead and did it. Big mistake.
My dad is head of IT and he may now lose his job, as well as his Microsoft certification. From what I understand, if he loses his certification, he will also be unable to get another job in IT. Oh, and my mom is leaving her job to become a stay at home mom soon so my dad would be the only source of income.
Tl;dr: I helped my mom install Microsoft Office and might have cost my dad his job, possibly causing my family a lot of financial problems in the future.
travelar: I'm pretty sure that Office licensing allows you to install it on two devices. They aren't supposed to be used concurrently, but the licensing is pretty forgiving in these types of situations. Had you installed it on 10 systems, you may have an issue, but 1 is really no big deal.
Jimmy_Bowl-point-0: Well when I installed it I had to link it to a Microsoft account. I think the Mac version of Office works a bit differently
Voyager5555: It doesn't, but enterprise licensing does.
| 4 | 2 | |
1404301391 | 1404331603 | t3_29n5pk | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by not preparing before I masturbate.
So I came home from a solid 12 hours of drinking/getting stoned last night and thought I was pretty much alone. So naturally in my inebriated state I grab my vibrator and start going to town, nothing out of the ordinary. After about 20/30 minutes I can hear my roommates outside, but it's not a big deal since it's 1 am and they should be off to bed soon. Anyways, I keep going until I'm about to erupt and reach for my usual towel to deal with avoiding any possible messes upon my cumming.
It wasn't there.
So here I am clenching for what I can in my room gone beyond the deep end. Outside looks to be in the clear as the route to the bathroom is literally a 1 foot turn to the left. I pretty much holding myself to keep from cumming, no trousers or panties on to hide my shame. I make it to the bathroom and settle down before finishing. End of story right?
Outside I hear a shriek...
"SHE WAS CLUTCHING HER PUSSY AND A VIBRATOR!!"
Suddenly there's this sobering fact that my 2 female roommates, sheltered as fuck already, just saw me in my worst state about to cum all over a floor/myself in a last ditch effort to stay clean. Shame washed over me as I knew I was caught. In 4 years of living with roommates I've never been caught masturbating (fucking, yes, but that's another story). So now I think they're going to play some sort of victim and that I'm a pig for scooting out half naked. They know I'm bisexual, so they may think it was some sort of sexual advance (when it clearly wasn't).
TL;DR I drunkenly waddled to the bathroom to keep from cumming on myself and my sheltered roommates saw EVERYTHING.
Nathan_MacKinnon: Fuck 'em. Doesn't matter, got vibrated.
mrmcmaine: Bitch don't kill my vibe
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1404304728 | 1404305369 | t3_29n91d | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: Tifu by verbally abusing a customer where I thought nobody could hear/see me
I work for a *transport company* and it was time for my *mode of transport* to leave. A passenger was a little slow boarding and I was waiting patiently for them to make it on. They get to the entrance and stop to do whatever it is that he needed to do suddenly. While still waiting I say to the empty space around me "just get on the fucking *mode of transport* dickhead" to blow off steam after putting up with crap all day.
I hear a gasp and look to my right.. through two fences I see other staff having a smoke break! They heard me and I go into instant EXPLAIN YOURSELF mode. I made lame excuses and left.
Not much of a post, but I found it amusing considering I have just spent the last three hours reading posts on r/tifu then I go right ahead and fuck up too.
[deleted]: Are they your supervisors? This isn't too bad! Everyone has bad days.
iwishiwasaperson: I know this is mild compared to some but even though they are not supervisors the word of both of them could very likely get me fired.
Nothing will come of it, just thought id share my little moment after enjoying everyone else's.
| 3 | 4 | |
1404304867 | 1404305927 | t3_29n97x | t5_2to41 | 1 | noawds: TIFU by being a horny 15 year old.
[deleted]: I really hope this is fake.
If not, I'd really suggest counseling or therapy. This is horrible for you.
noawds: Posted from wrong account...
I am over it
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1404299882 | 1404308739 | t3_29n4ei | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my cat in my office last night
He is an almost exclusively outside cat who started life as an inside cat so he know shitting outside is good, shitting inside is not. Well I guess I left him in here overnight because it's 6:15 in the morning and my office smells like cat shit but I can't seem to locate it. For sure this is the smell of crap and not just like farts or something but I've looked everywhere and can't find any signs. At least the dog does it right in the middle of the floor.
Bmil: Use the dog as a cat crap detector?
mattman59: She walked in, sniffed and laid down on her bed. I kinda got used to the smell, went to the store to grab a soda and was more convinced than ever that there is cat shit somewhere in this office when I got back. I'm about to start taking everything out and putting it on the lawn till I determine where the hell these turds are.
| 3 | 2 | |
1404305172 | 1404762926 | t3_29n9jj | t5_2to41 | 96 | TwentyfootAngels: TIFU when I listened to the lady at my job orientation who didn't know what she was doing. I think I just lost my dream job.
Went to a job orientation (at the board office) in the big city. The job is in my own town. The lady running the orientation had no idea what she was doing. She lost my employment acceptance ltter (yes, lost... in a pile of someone else's papers), confused nearly everyone there over the course of the hour, and more. But the worst part is that she gave me the wrong start date. **She told me I would literally not be allowed to work today, and probably not for a few days after that. She even refused to give me my timetable. I was supposed to start this morning.**
So I woke up happy as can be this morning, ready to hop on my bike and pick up my paperwork at the hospital. I get a call from my boss and my heart starts racing. But I tell her that, yes, the orientation lady told me what to do! Don't worry, I'd have those forms in early before my start date! (Look at me, being early! I'm amazing! I totally deseve my job after all this time!)
Dead silence. "What exactly did she tell you...?"
I then begin the worst phone call of my life. The lady was wrong. I was supposed to start this morning. She gave me instructions for the wrong position. I was not intended to listen to her. Remember that tentative schedule you got a month ago? It was official after all. You were supposed to call in. Why didn't you call in? No, the board offices never informed us. You were supposed to call in. It was your responsibility. Why did you not call in?
**"I'll let you come in tomorrow, but I need you to realize that this is a** ***real job***. **Do you understand?"**
I choked out a yes, thanked her profusely, and hung up. I'm sobbing right now. She thinks I was just toying with her and accepting this position as a game. She thinks I don't care. She has no idea how long I've been begging for this. This was supposed to be my dream job. I told my whole family. A government job, at only 18! Even if I can go in tomorrow, I'll never be able to tell anyone about it. I'll always be the girl who bailed on the first day. I can't stop crying and the hospital isn't even open yet.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
**OKAY, EDIT.**
1. Removed a line that had people confused. I used a line for comparison that was NOT related to the incident.
2. I don't think this was clear... my boss was innocent in this case. She had no idea why I was absent. She just knew I failed to show up.
**AFTERNOON UPDATE:**
I called my boss back. She said that she definitely wants to see those papers. She said she would call HR (AKA orientaton lady) to "make sure they assigned me the correct position". The more I look, the more I'm convinced that the lady at the orientation was absolutely clueless as to what was going on. All those medical tests? The funky timesheet? The Health and Safety training? They were geared towards childcare. CHILDCARE. I originally thought they were just covering all thier bases because it's technically a school and kids *might* walk in... but I'm starting to think that more and more things are wrong. They gave me papers on the accesability act, body language with children, dress code around children, inclusiveness with disabled and non-english children... they're doing more than covering their bases. Heck, one of my forms had the wrong place of employment on it. They just scribbled out the name of the big city school and wrote mine above... after I pointed it out and refused to sign. I originally thought they just ran out. What if they put me down LEGALLY for the wrong job too?
**TL;DR: Orientation lady screwed me over, I was unable to check my facts because a whole lot of stuff happened inbetween, "skipped" first day of awesome job, made boss incredibly disappointed, freaked out, possibly redeemed, orientation people in the big city possibly in trouble instead of me.**
_________________________________________________________________________________________
**Edit 2:** So I walked into work this morning, and absolutely nothing happened. It turns out the big city paperwork had me on the right job, but something just got really mixed up somewhere else. I gave them the extra froms, they mailed them off, and... nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't know what happened, but my boss's whole disposition changed. I think this might end alright after all...
TheJonesSays: I'm guessing that your decision to not go to college is being questioned.
TwentyfootAngels: Excuse me...?
TheJonesSays: I think my point was clear: They did nothing inherently wrong, they did nothing illegal, so move on. When someone puts a hand on you in public, I will support you 100%. When someone verbally abuses you in a sexual manner, I will condemn them by your side. But this, this is ridiculous. Creepy what they did, but nothing to get your panties in a twist over.
Skultis: I think your point was not clear. So, I'll clarify it. You're attempting to troll here, and doing very badly. First you slam her for not going to college, and to that i say: You are pathetic for getting on her for that. I pity you for your ignorance.
Second, you didn't clarify the first statement at all, merely kept insulting her. using a phrase like "panties in a twist" to get a reaction? You really need to get a life. I'm betting this is the height of your day, harassing people on the internet, because you know you'd get your ass beat in real life for being a d***.
You literally have no purpose, here or anywhere else. Go harass someone in real life, so we can all imagine you getting punched like you deserve.
TheJonesSays: Also, I highly doubt you could do much of an ass kicking because you're talking about it. On the internet. Really?
Support women who need help with real issues, not minor annoynances. Can I call you a dip shit now? Is that OK mister "I threaten people on the Internet because I can't in real life". Listen to yourself and grow up.
Creepy does not equal harassment. End of story.
Skultis: Funny how you get to decide what she says on the internet. xD I sure got you mad in a hurry. you really are pathetic. Because others have problems she can't gripe about it on a forum FOR people to gripe? Hell, why are you even here? You haven't said anything to contribute at all, other than to insult her for her own opinion. That makes you exactly what I said, a troll. xD As to my ass kicking abilities, we'll never know. Stating that you deserve to get punched is not the same as saying I'll punch you. I'd rather pay someone 50$ to punch you than soil my own hands. You are the lamest troll so far on here.
TheJonesSays: Griping like this is pointless but she can say whatever she wants. BUT is a stupid post that only serves to show how much support a woman will receive on this sub when there is nothing to support! If I complain that a girl I really liked turned me down for a date, sure I might get some feedback, but it serves no purpose.
Discussing how a male coworker treats her in the office, on the other hand, has potential discussion merits.
And that, my naive redditor, is why this sub is so infuriating to men who visit this sub for real insight. Many good posts. This was not one of them. And I more than allowed to have that opinion. Plus, what does it matter in the end? They got a picture of her butt. Not exactly fucking interesting or an actual problem.
Skultis: Basically, you're pissed that this isn't a "serious" subject. It's not up to you to decide. You are the naive one. Thinking you get to set the standard on what women talk about on their own thread. I bet you support the Hobby Lobby decision?
TheJonesSays: It's not a thread for a specific gender. It's a public space for anyone. And when people, not just men or women, whine about stupid shit and others support them and tell them they are right to feel that way, it just annoys me. OP made a bad post and should feel bad.
Skultis: Actually, you made a bad post. and You should feel bad. You thinking you have the right to dictate hat anyone else says anywhere is incredibly narcissistic and shallow. You don't like what she's saying, so she should shut up? By that very logic, I don't like what you're saying, so how about you take your own advice and shut up? Just like you have a right to come on here and troll, and be an a**hole, and be controlling, she has the right to vent. You do not have the right to tell her to shut up. That right was never, and will never, be yours. Get over it. Stop trying to control people.
TheJonesSays: I have every right to disagree with anyone's assessment of a situation and their actions, including their public post about it. You just blindly support everything everyone does in this sub? Because that is significantly more dangerous than someone with a dissenting opinion. Check yourself before you call someone out.
Skultis: I support their right to not be controlled by anyone, regardless of the drivel you spout to justify it. You have every right to disagree with her, just like I have every right to call you out on it. You have no right to tell anyone else their concerns are not valid. I'll keep saying it. You are a controlling, narrow-minded person. It is not your place to tell people to shut up just because you disagree with it.
TheJonesSays: Her concerns don't have a leg to stand on. Move on. That's it. I like your use of the word drivel because it reminds me of every single person who replies to me when I disagree with an OP. You all act the same AND use the same tactics to defend someone, no matter what the subject is. It's hilarious and very sad. Women can be wrong, too.
Equality is a bitch, eh?
Skultis: You really are delusional. You don't even know what equality means, obviously. You really are a pathetic troll. And clueless, I'm a Man. So all of your sexist bullshit doesn't have a leg to stand on. You are probably the guy who couldn't get a date, and then got mad for the girls "for not liking a nice guy" and "friendzoning" you. God you are pathetic. No wonder you try and control women, it's the only way you can get attention from them.
TheJonesSays: You keep attacking me personally, which is not a great way to get your point across. Look, I get that you're probably 19 and into hard core feminism without any real understanding of what it is. It's ok. But attacking someone's character because they point out the ludicrous nature of a post that OP meant to be serious is a very flawed way to get your point across.
Do you see my little joke in there?
Also, there is not any sexist coming from me. Seriously, is it sexist in your eyes to disagree with a woman? Well shucks, I must have missed that memo.
Skultis: I'm not even trying to get any point across anymore. One does not argue with a brick wall. One merely goes around it or knocks it down. And telling a woman that you have the right to dictate what upsets her or what she gets to talk about is exactly that. Sexist.
TheJonesSays: False. Both genders can be wrong. This is one of those cases.
Skultis: This isn't even an issue of right or wrong. Holy crap, what is wrong with you?
TheJonesSays: What is wrong with you?
Skultis: I don't like sexist, controlling nut jobs who think they have a right to tell others what to think or say. I'd ask what's wrong with you, but it's fairly obvious you think you're god's gift to the world and shocked nobody else can see it.
TheJonesSays: You use the word "sexist", but I don't think you really know what it means.
Skultis: That's your response? That's it? Have you given up then?
TheJonesSays: I forgot what we were talking about. It was a long weekend. I imagine I'm being called sexist for not agreeing with a woman's perspective. Usually the case.
| 24 | 4 | |
1404306978 | 1404310599 | t3_29nblb | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing off Marc Maron's personal army
jackcos: Doesn't actually sound like a fuck up as you got some free publicity. Cool story though.
[deleted]: True. But I really didn't expect him to notice poor little me...I thought it would get ignored, but I seemed to have pressed a button. Guy is seriously sensitive. Called me a "pussy" and other such comedic genius. But I really didn't want to go hurting anyones feelings (and it did seem to rile him up.) I was calling him out on being a bully, and here I was doing the same. TIFU because I have a tad of guilt over it. I really hope he sees my apology. I was the douche in this instance.
jackcos: Ah right, gotcha. Pretty good of you to man-up and admit you were wrong, especially as Marc Maron sounds like a bigger bully who can't take it himself.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1404308857 | 1404397341 | t3_29ne1a | t5_2to41 | 25 | Porso7: TIFU while writing a TIFU
Backstory: Yesterday was Canada day. Me and my family went downtown to parliament hill. Every Canada day there's a huge celebration there.
We had planned to meet up with some friends downtown for Canada day at 7:30. Before going, I decide to have a snack so I don't feel hungry. I remember the jar of Nutella that we have. I take it out and look for some bread, but we only have pita bread. Screw it, I'll use it. I take out a spoon, give the Nutella a good mix, and commence the process of putting on an excess amount of Nutella on your bread.
An excess amount. This was not a good idea with pita bread. I roll up the pita bread and I hold it up. It looks wonderful, but as I marvel in its presence, I press the roll too hard and Nutella squirts everywhere. It's gets in my eyes, on my clothes, and all over the kitchen. At this point, I give a small yell. Hoping no one heard, I walk around blindly with Nutella in my eyes holding a price of pita bread.
Just my luck, I slip on a bit of Nutella that fell on the ground. I cry a few small tears, thinking about how bad I fucked up.
My mom comes into the kitchen.
"What the hell?"
She helps me clean out my eyes and tells me to clean up the kitchen quickly. It's now 7:20 after all this. It takes about 20 minutes to get downtown. We're late.
After cleaning up, I change into some clean clothes, and we get going. We leave at 7:30. Everyone in the car is mad at me.
We arrive around 7:50. My friends are a bit angry at us for being late. My parents explain the story, and then they're mad at me.
After that, we go be patriotic and celebrate Canada.
It's been 4 hours, and I'm getting tired. We stop in a coffee shop and I order a cup of coffee. I remember about my fuck up earlier in the day, and decide to submit it to Reddit. I take out my iPhone and open Reddit and start furiously typing this up. I forget about my coffee as I'm typing up my story.
"Hey Porso7!" Someone behind me says.
It's a friend that I haven't seen in a while. I talk to him a bit, then he leaves. I wave goodbye to him and turn around. My arm is about half way down from the wave. I forgot abut my coffee. Arm hits coffee in slow motion. Coffee falls on phone. Coffee falls on Porso7. Ouch. I quickly pick up my phone, as I know that the gigabytes of video that I took forever to download are much more important than the pain I feel from the burning coffee. I turn off my phone and dry it off, proceeding then to dry off myself.
TL;DR put too much Nutella in a pita bread. Squeezed. Nutella fell everywhere. After cleaning it up, we were late for Canada day. I was tired. We stopped in a coffee shop. While I'm writing my earlier fuck up for Reddit, I spill my coffee on my phone and everything else.
TIFU while writing a TIFU.
yrpretty: Up next: TIFU by commenting on my TIFU about my TIFU.
xStringTheory: TIFUception
Makoaddict: We have to go deeper, TIFU by commenting on a comment on my TIFU about commenting on TIFU about my TIFU.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1404308723 | 1404321514 | t3_29ndvx | t5_2to41 | 141 | jackcos: TIFU by convincing my teacher I wanted to have an incestuous relationship
Many years ago when I was back in school as a teenager, I used to be an active member of a [Football Manager forum.](http://forum.fm-view.net/) During my lunch hour I was hurriedly finishing off some work that I hadn't finished for the afternoon, and after completing the work I decided to have a browse on the forum. One [thread](http://forum.fm-view.net/topic/5872-idiots-on-yahoo-answers/) peaked my curiosity, entitled "Idiots On Yahoo Answers".
The images on that thread now are broken links (the thread itself is 6 years old after all). One of the images was of a question entitled "I want to have sex with my sister, HELP?" or something along those lines. Again, it was 6 years ago, I can't remember the exact question, but a Google search for "Yahoo Answers sister sex" would give you a basic idea of the sort of questions people have asked. Generally, they're all obviously trolls, and to anyone who regularly uses the Internet this would be obvious. The question itself probably said something like *"HURR DURR my sister is so hawt, I cant resist taking her to my room and @##£##@#"* etc etc.
It's now the end of my lunch hour and I am back in my form room for registration, chatting to my friends. The deputy head of my school walks in with a piece of paper in his hand and asks to speak to me outside in private. "Were you looking at this?" On the piece of paper was a black and white print-out of the Yahoo Answers screenshot from the forum. I was speechless. My school had stupidly over-protective internet security features, and somehow it had found this image. It wasn't a print-out of the forum, it was a print-out of just the image alone in a web browser, looking like I was actually on Yahoo Answers. "I don't expect to see anything like this from you again, do you understand?" my deputy head proclaimed. I nodded and wandered back into class.
My deputy head followed. He goes over to my form tutor and shows the image, and I can still recall the conversation they had word-for-word. "Can you believe this?" "My word... HOW EMBARASSING!". I wouldn't have minded so much if it wasn't my form tutor, one of the few teachers in the school who I looked up to and who actually believed in my abilities.
Leaving the classroom before the next lesson, he comes up to me and says "if you need to talk to anyone, you can talk to me".
I mumbled a "no thanks" and got out of the room as quickly as possible.
**tl:dr - convinced a teacher who respected me that I wanted to do my sister, he offered to talk to me about my incest issues.**
EDIT: I understand how this might infringe on Rule 7, but as there isn't actually any incest happening in my post...
DramDemon: You should have just denied it. Or just laugh and say yes because it was a joke.
jackcos: I was 15. Instead of denying it, I was so shy and awkward-ed out by the whole thing that I just said nothing.
DavidPuddyHighFive: Sure you were, George-Michael.
jackcos: [Thanks.](http://i.imgur.com/gBp6AKF.gif)
| 5 | 28.2 | |
1404310564 | 1404327122 | t3_29ngf0 | t5_2to41 | 10 | mikeyjoshietee: TIFU by going on Grindr
I work in an office. I'm sitting there, waiting for the next part of a project I'm working on to be ready, so I decided to check out grindr for a second. A client walks in to see my boss. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then, grindr loads. Imagine my face when it loads up a somewhat husky middleaged man completely nude in the photo...I'm sitting here, basking in the awkward...alone. I haven't said a word in the last 40 minutes. I'm overreacting...but traumatized. TIFU...
kingofphysics: I'm too afraid to check what grindr is (I'm at school the moment ). So could anybody please explain what just happened?
Thinksgeek: Its a male gay dating site
kingofphysics: Thanks. So the client/boss saw the image I guess? Wouldn't the OP close the website if someone came in? I'm still quite confused.
heychado: It's location based so OP was on the app and saw the client who had just walked in.
kingofphysics: Thanks. It makes tons of sense now.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1404311429 | 1404312931 | t3_29nhom | t5_2to41 | 38 | Coolfuckingname: TIFU anld Made my finger into hamburger
I feel stupid, so i may as involve you guys.
Morning. Want meat later on. So i get a stack of hamburgers out of the freezer. But theres about 12 stuck together and i only want to defrost 2, maybe 3. ...Just pound the edge of the stack on the granite countertop, right? Sure! 1, 2, 3, ...POUND!!!
Instant searing crushing pain in my hand. FUCK! Im holding it over the sink, almost crying in pain, then, yup, just start actually crying. Its been a tough 2 days with a friend/girlfriend problem building up. So now I'm over the sink just bawling about my life, holding my hand. I look down and see a 3 mm hole in the tip of my ring finger where it got caught between the 3pounds of frozen burger edge, and the granite countertop. Rock and a hard place...
So...crushed fingertip is now double sized, like a pregnant fingertip, and black and blue and hard as a rock.
I fucked up today, and just thought someone should enjoy the situation.
(also typing this hurt like fuck and took a while. Turns out we use the ring finger when typing. ...ow)
Coolfuckingname: Cant edit a title, but I'm pretty sure the word "and" doesn't involve an "L".
If anyone is an expert in spelling Id really like a confirmation on this hunch.
FallenGambit: Speak English, can confirm no L in and. Also that sounds fucking painful brother.
Coolfuckingname: ...Thats what i THOUGHT!
Thanks for the confirmation.
Yes. It hurt. And every period i type hurts too.
...but you're worth it.
FallenGambit: Aww thanks :P judging on the amount of periods you're typing I think you like the pain a weebit. Pain is good though plus it give you a reason to drink. Time to get the Whiskey out, don't bother with a glass, by the time you wake up your finger will be either healed or missing.
Coolfuckingname: Funny.
It hurts much less than yesterday, thanks.
Also i don't drink hardly ever, so ill settle for just passing out directly.
FallenGambit: Haha well I'll have the Whiskey you enjoy the blackout though.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1404311700 | 1404313832 | t3_29ni2p | t5_2to41 | 4 | overweightguy25: TIFU getting drunk and consuming half a bottle of ghost pepper extract, causing me too much pain to go to my work orientation.
tetrahydrocanada: Why?
overweightguy25: Competition between my roommate and I.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404306375 | 1404339636 | t3_29nauy | t5_2to41 | 9 | PoglaTheGrate: TIFU By being too clever with my own code.
A little technical, but stick with me.
I work with databases.
We use a funky little coding tool that makes the whole process simpler on the whole.
There comes a time in every database where SQL just won't cut it. Other languages have to be used, an,d being a slave to the Windows environment, Windows Batch script is the language of no choice.
(as a technical aside, we **could** use other code, and have. It's just easier to maintain using the Windows native script)
There are well over 200 individual Batch scripts in this one database alone. Being a good little coder, a lot of the scripts are uniform. Change a handful of inputs, and the rest of the script is the same.
I had to make changes to around 150 scripts. Being a clever little coder, I was updating the master tables, rather than individual scripts.
(Another technical aside, be it BASH or batch, each line of the script is held in a database meta data table. You edit the script in the software's native, rather shit compiler. Save it, and the magic of meta data tables saves the script as rows in a table, and the header table links it to the database object you are working on)
Saving hours upon hours of work, I'm busy updating the master table. Being a careful little coder, I check my work before making the changes.
A dear friend and coworker is finishing up today. I've got the night off from kids and house work, and I am already late for drinks. Being late for drinks, especially ones paid for, is against my religion.
Wanting to leave the office, I'm literally two lines of code off finishing.
Being a sloppy little coder, I forget to remove a line of code that was used for testing.
Every single line of every single batch script was replaced by the same line of code.
A whole day's work wiped out in a few key strokes.
Being a forgetful little coder, I haven't backed up my work all day.
An extra 10 minutes restoring from backup and testing before I can taste the sweet amber ale.
A metric fuck tonne of swearing, and I had to redo all my work on Monday.
mattluttrell: That sucks that you lost your work.
Why aren't you using version control and committing often?
PoglaTheGrate: The software does a really good job of that.
I was just being clever, and bypassing that.
Now I back up the meta data several times whilst trying to be cute
| 3 | 3 | |
1404316178 | 1404347735 | t3_29np7h | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by helping my classmates
Okay, so a couple of days ago we had a biology test. Big test, end of the year. The test was about inheritance and evolution, if it matters to you.
So two days before the test I decided to write a summary of all of it. I told my classmates that I would be writing one, and told them that I'd send it to them if they wanted.
So later that day I sent the summary to all of them. I was happy, I learned for the test, helped some people and collected some karmapoints for life.
So then we had the test... And apparantly my summary wasn't all that good. I had a 3/10, and some other people I sent it to had insufficients as well. Somebody might fail the year now because his average dropped down to an insufficient.
So yeah, he/she is not all that happy with me right now...
TL;DR: I wrote a shitty summary, sent it to some classmates and somebody might fail the year because of it.
[deleted]: Cheaters never prosper. Don't take the blame for their decision. You handed them the work but it was their decision to use it to cheat on the test.
Shit happens when you don't do you homework. If they failed than they deserved to ail. If they didn't want to take the chance than they should have done the homework themselves.
Puffinkushyo: How is this cheating? Using someone else's study guide more or less, all be it stupid it isn't really cheating..?
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1404314859 | 1404521979 | t3_29nn0f | t5_2to41 | 13 | ashmaster: TIFU By confusing Pacific Rim with Event Horizon
vulcan1358: Not as bad as confusing Thelma & Louise for Laverne & Shirley. I put it on and it was the parking lot scene. All I could think about is, this has nothing to do with working in a brewery.
ashmaster: Lmao, I could see that sucking pretty hardcore. I knew that they were both sci-fi like movies, so atleast i went into a sci-fi thinking it was a sci-fi.
vulcan1358: Haha yeah. Another time I saw that Wrath if the Titans was on. Started watching it and was wondering if the dialogue in Greek, then where are the subtitles. Then I realized I was on HBO Latino.
ashmaster: How far did you get in before realising this?
vulcan1358: 30 minutes
ashmaster: ouch.. lol.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1404310407 | 1404401181 | t3_29ng6y | t5_2to41 | 38 | KillianR: TIFU by locking my Muslim roommate out by accident.
I live in a small townhouse with a roommate. We both go to the same university and have been pretty good friends in high school as well. My roommate's a pretty religious muslim and he's a really great guy. He's also into a lot of bodybuilding and got me into it. We work out together and he's helped me make a lot of progress on my body. Now, we've been roommates for 3 years and every year he fasts in the month of Ramadan. No food or drink and this guy still works out for an hour before he breaks his fast at around 8 or 9 pm. He'd come straight from the gym and eat once it was sundown.
This is where I fucked up badly. A week ago, I borrowed his house keys cause I misplaced mine. Then I lost his and we still haven't gotten the time to get another one made. So, since Ramadan began, everyday he goes to uni and then to the gym, comes back at 8:30 pm and I open the door for him. He then breaks his fast at around 9. Yesterday, I decided to take a nap at 7:00 and texted him to call me when he got home.
I wake up and feel extremely refreshed. I ignorantly thought It was 8:00. I check my phone. 10 missed calls. 10 texts. It's 12:30 AM. I call him and he tells me to open the door. He was sitting there drenched in sweat the whole time. Luckily, he didn't kill me and I also got that key made.
gg249: what kind of douchbag borrows someones keys because they lost their own,
THEN LOSES THOSE KEYS TOO?
oh my god
just fuck you
SidiusMaximus89: haha...that last line..
"Just fuck you"
I shall make it mine.
gg249: all yours, amigo!
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1404315447 | 1404376588 | t3_29no10 | t5_2to41 | 636 | __kanyewest__: TIFU by hip thrusting a drawer closed while wearing gym shorts
Let me just open this entry by saying that I never used to be someone who wore gym shorts around the house, until I got my new job. I'm now required to wear tight black pants all night at work, so when I get home, I've found it relaxes me to throw on a pair of gym shorts and let my sweaty balls breath. (I am, if you haven't noticed by now, a male, which will be important to the story).
So the silverware drawer at my house is just about crotch high, and my usual routine when I'm eating is to walk by with a plate of food in my hand, pull it open with my free hand, grab a fork out, then hip bump it closed [a la Lindsay Lohan and her butler in Parent Trap](http://readeroffictions.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/oh-yeah.gif).
Last night, however, I changed my routine up and made a ~~near fatal~~ mistake. Ok not really near fatal but it *felt* like I was about to die. I was, for some unknown reason, turned completely toward the counter, and after I grabbed my fork, I gave the drawer a forceful hip thrust to push it shut. As I hip thrusted, my free dangling gonads decided to hop up into the drawer (don't ask me why they wanted to be in the silverware drawer, but that's where they went).
I realized my mistake and noticed where my balls were resting just as the drawer slammed shut. To all male readers out there who know how painful a sack tap can be, just picture this as a never-ending sack tap. It wasn't just some asshole friending quickly hitting your balls. My testies felt like they were being crushed by the momentum of my own overly enthusiastic hip thrust. For all my female readers, just imagine a wave of pain and nausea overcoming your entire body.
So what was my initial reaction? What does your body do anytime you feel pain? I tried to get away. I immediately jumped back and away from the drawer, and felt the skin of my sack start to stretch like some bad CGI scene from an R-rated version of The Mask, or some sick new sex toy called [Stretch Ballstrong](http://cdn1.sciencefiction.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/stretch-armstrong-responsive-622x419.jpeg). The stubborn drawer held tightly shut, keeping my aching nads as its prisoners.
Only after this unbearable amount of pain was I rational enough to open up the drawer and release my balls. While crouching on the floor, fighting off the overwhelming urge to puke up everything I had eaten in my entire life, I realized that my sack was almost brushing the ground. I've stretched it out by half a foot, seriously. I need some kind of ball-bra or restraining device now because my balls are going to start peeking out the legs of my shorts and getting me in a lot of trouble. That's not supposed to happen until I'm old enough that I can claim senility as an excuse and not be considered a sex offender. How much does reparative plastic surgery on testicles cost?
Tldr: Hip thrusted my balls into the silverware drawer. My balls now hang out the bottom of my shorts. I'm going to start closing drawers with my hands.
EDIT: I'm not dead! OP here, just got off work (to those wondering, I'm a waiter at a fine dining facility where black dress pants are required) and found that my bruised boys are very popular with Reddit. I have spoken to a healthcare professional and will be fine, just a little [black and blue](http://eil.com/images/main/Backstreet+Boys+-+Black+%26+Blue+-+Autographed+-+DISPLAY%2FPOS+MATERIAL-404292.jpg). Thanks for all your concern, advice and laughs. I'm glad my pain has brought you all entertainment. I'm just sorry now that I used my novelty account to post and not my real username.
meltingintoice: We all feel your pain. Seriously. Don't worry, your sack will return to normal soon enough. Btw, some people do that to themselves (or have other people do it) for fun. Don't Google it.
throwin_pennies: From OP's experience, doesn't sound like too much fun...
Cougs67: Everyone is different. There are some kinky motherfuckers out there. Some people like the feeling of icy hot on their balls as well, where as most of us would absolutely hate it
Consented-stalking: Just tested - can confirm I am part of the latter
Cougs67: Ouch. Feels like satan himself licked your balls, right?
Consented-stalking: certainly does
| 7 | 90.857143 | |
1404318152 | 1404326335 | t3_29nske | t5_2to41 | 24 | badassbridge: TIFU by accidentally joining a cult
Today, I made a grave mistake. I accidentally joined a cult. It all started when I went to the local pub. I met this cool guy and immediately we hit it off. For future reference, I am a straight male. He gave me his number and suggested we hang out sometime. This didn't come off as anything weird at the time. A week goes by and he calls me and tells me he's having a party at his place, so I decide to go. I get to the 'party' and his place is by the woods. Still, nothing weird. I got out of my car and went inside. I sent him a text, telling him I was there. As soon as I get inside, I see multiple masked figures dressed in black robes. In the center of the room, there was a silver chalice on a table, with a knife right beside it. At this point, I'm starting to sweat and was thinking, "What's going on?" My new 'friend' approaches me and tells me to cut my hand and pour my blood in the chalice. I start backing away rapidly, but a strong pair of hands grabbed me. Now, I'm scared for my life, so I quickly grab the knife and do it. It hurt badly, but it's better than dying. I hoped I didn't get AIDS from the knife. Then they went into this weird chant and started speaking in gibberish to me. I ran straight out of there and never turned back. I keep getting calls and text from him and now I hope I never see him again.
TL;DR I accidentally joined a cult and now I'm pretty sure I'm being stalked.
envymeoruwilldie: was there any hot chicks? and what kind of mask?
badassbridge: Honestly, I couldn't tell. The masks made it where I couldn't tell.
envymeoruwilldie: wow what did he drink at the pub?
doITphaggit: Asking the important questions here
envymeoruwilldie: yes because i can tell a lot from what a person drinks.
AccidentalRebel72: You can if it was blood
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1404309824 | 1404631106 | t3_29nfc5 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Teru-Sama: TIFU by forgetting my Bitcoin-Wallet password
Yeah, I am pretty upset right now. Bought a nice amount of bitcoin to save up quite a while ago. Wanted to get rid of some of them today and noticed, that I don't actually remember my password for my wallet. I've been sitting in front of my screen for hours now, trying my best to remember the combination, but I just can't do it... Thinking about giving up now.
Man, I feel so incredibly dumb, haha.
kylerk: http://www.walletrecoveryservices.com/
I haven't used this service, and it is very difficult to vouch for the credibility of a service I've only heard about online, but I've seen this address come up on /r/bitcoin as having been able to recover passwords.
For example this post:
http://www.reddit.com/r/Bitcoin/comments/1qqkmb/dave_bitcoin_from_walletrecoveryservicescom_does/
It's also be discussed by the hosts of the show Let's Talk Bitcoin, who I've found to be quite reliable sources of information.
[deleted]: This guy is reputable, he has helped a lot of people recover their bitcoin. As long as you have a vague idea of what your password is (e.g. know "It is 3 words in a row. The first part is "happydog" but I forget the 3rd word" or that "I thought it was happydogperson but that isn't working").
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404319259 | 1404368817 | t3_29nuhc | t5_2to41 | 66 | Fahrenheit4510: TIFU by almost cremating myself and any nearby bystanders...
Lets start of by saying that some of my favorite hobby's are pyrotechnics and model rocketry,so that means i deal with highly hazardous materials and substances on a daily basis.Today was the particular day i needed to make some fuel cores for one of my rockets,so i set up all my equipment outside my garage and proceeded, the solid fuel compound consists mainly of potassium nitrate, sucrose, iron oxide, aluminium, and other energetic substances which on their own are just mere powders and liquids but when you combine them they give of a vigorous exothermic reaction(you can probably guess where this is going...)So i sit down and start mixing the compound while my family is inside the house watching football, and today my cousin of 10 years was visiting us.I am done with the mixture which has been molten and pored in to molds, and then my little brother and my cousin come out of the house and ask me what i am doing, i promptly respond by saying im making rocket fuel and the go ecstatic begging me to show how it works,so me being older and wiser decide the best curse of action is to put some of the molten fuel on a stick and light it...and then all hell break loose, the next thing i know i am blinded by a brilliant purple and red light followed by intense white smoke and i can just barely make out the sound of my brother and cousin screaming in terror as to what just happened.I walked out of what seamed to be the depths of satans anal cavity and turn around to see my garage, lawn and some wooden chairs nearby compleatly engulfed in purple flames as more chunks of the fuel were falling out of the sky like white phosphorous.I look for my brother and cousin and thankfully they are fine hiding behind a concrete wall.The purple inferno raged on for about 30 more seconds and died down, a mushroom cloud formed that was 50m high.I was missing half the hair on my limbs and the entire front lawn and garage door was black.After some time investigating i concluded that the fuel was lit by a spark from the burning fuel on the stick.No emergency services were called by anyone in the neighborhood(they probably got used to my pyrotechnic displays)and im am currently writing this on my break from cleaning the burned mess that is the front of the garage...
Fiorinihc: I read this as creaming. I was wondering why you were jizzing all over yourself and others until I reread the title.
smarmyfrenchman: Your life sounds fun.
| 3 | 22 | |
1404314121 | 1404330514 | t3_29nlsb | t5_2to41 | 63 | kayelyse: TIFU by throwing a toy over the fence
I'm dog sitting for my aunt, and the dogs are relatively easy to take care of. Really I just need to feed them in the morning and night and I get to spend the rest of my time just chilling at her house.
Last night after dinner I was playing with them in the backyard so that they would be tired enough to sleep through the night and not chew anything up. They had one of those toys that you can put a treat inside so I was throwing that around. After about 20-25 minutes of that I was ready to go inside but I had decided to throw the toy just one more time before going in. I ended up throwing it too hard and it sailed over the fence. One of the dogs starting whining, but it was late and I wasn't about to go wake up the neighbors, so I went back inside and gave them both a treat to make up for losing the toy.
I woke up the next morning, fed the dogs, and started getting ready for work. When I came back down I realized that one of the dog bowls still had all the food in it, which is strange because these dogs eat like wild starving buffalo. I didn't think anything of it because I assumed the dog was chilling in the backyard. As I grabbed my coffee and started to run out the door I called the dog's name just for good measure (because the dogs will usually run up to the fence when you call them), but nothing. I set my stuff down and scanned the backyard but no dog. I went back inside hoping he was on the couch and I had missed him, but no dog. I ran upstairs to see if he was sitting on the bed but no dog. So I went into the backyard to see if he was under the deck or around the side of the house but still no dog. And then I saw it, a pile of fresh soil behind a huge hole under the fence. Right about where the toy was.
Tl;dr I wouldn't get the toy so he got it himself. And didn't come back.
**Update:** Dog is back safe and sound thanks to microchipping!
the_winter_storm: So he wasn't just in the neighbors backyard chillin' with the toy?
srvaughan121: Answer this guy's question, you lying faced liar!
the_winter_storm: *woman
But yes, answer the question OP. **ANSWER, REDDIT DEMANDS IT**
[deleted]: Good evening m'lady *tips trilby*
I was pleased to see your concern for the missing pooch - I believe that caring for animals is symbolic of an innate desire to love. So, my proposition* to you is the following: will you go on an e-date with me? We can Skype and talk for hours, perhaps become romantically involved, and - if you're lucky - I will telephone your local florist and have some fresh roses delivered straight to your door.
Best wishes,
The Obese Holocaust
*Proposition void if you are obese
the_winter_storm: I, well. I've never been asked out on an e-date before. Oh snap.
[deleted]: If you are reticent/nervous to initiate a Skype conversation, feel free to send me your favourite gif as a substitute.
Best wishes,
The Obese Holocaust
the_winter_storm: Favorite gif, eh? It might take a few minutes to pick.
| 8 | 7.875 | |
1404323008 | 1404472334 | t3_29o0za | t5_2to41 | 19 | frintyfru: TIFU by getting my uni results
So, not sure if this belongs here, but I do feel like a really fucked up.
Litttle bit of background. I couldnt decide what I wanted to do when I left school at 16, both lack of parental direction and self motivation. So i end up working in retail for years, go up the ranks to assistant store manager and fuck that up as I was so shit scared of the job I could perform properly and chickened out. Drop back down to sales assistant level at another company which I have worked at for the last 4 years. 8 christmases in retail make me finally realise how insanely shit it is working in a shop and finally come the conclusion that finding a skilled, higher paying job outside retail is the best way forward.
Going to university is obviously the route I need to take, so finally pick some generic course that I managed to get onto without the correct former qualifications and feel relieved, I am finally working towards something rewarding.
Fast forward, I soon realise that Business Management is borning as hell and I am not tuned to academic writing, I struggle with assignments and give a half arsed attempt in 1st semester. My grades pass but I am disappointed.
At the beginning of semester 2 I muster the motivation to actually give it a good fucking go, I do not want to be disappointed with my next grades.
I work like a crazy mofo, house is a tip no time to tidy, no overtime at work, no watching tv, films or doing anything fun. I must pass exams, get better marks in assignments. - No rest for the wicked.
Hand in all work at the end of the year feeling mega proud of myself, I finally achieved something, one year at uni complete and I actually tried my hardest WOW!
Results came today, I failed the year, have to re-sit the entire year because I missed an exam re-sit. I wasn't aware that I even failed exam, re-sit dates were posted on the uni online community. My password for said community expired weeks ago while waiting for results which I though were coming through the door. Didnt reset password because I thought the year was over.
12 grades, 6 modules and this is what fails me! Fucking hell. I try to reason with lecturer but she has no empathy for my situation. I try to appeal my case and Im knocked back. I even accessed college policies and assessment regulations to try and find something to back my case up, but I find nothing.
A whole year of my life and money (which I will have to eventually pay back) wasted because of lack of communication. Fuck this. So now I have to start all over again.
Silver lining I can hopefully get onto a course which I might actually enjoy.
TXTCG: Where do you live?
All the Universities I know (US) each course is independent and it's own grade, if you fail that course all you have to do is re-take that course, not the whole year (I'm assuming you had more than one course)
frintyfru: I live in the UK. At my uni you take one course over a two or three year period. The course is then broken down into modules over the course of the year. Any module failed will result in a fail for the entire year of that course.
It seems like a really unfair system to me because I passed all other modules, which equates to 11 pieces of work (12 including the failed exam. The fact that they make you repeat all of these passed modules is beyond me. Not only is it preventing a new student from gaining a place on the course but it is wasting my time and a whole years tuition.
I have spoken to numerous departments of the uni and I have no grounds for an appeal.
I have an interview for a computer science degree next week, something I actually have an interest in and am more likely to get a job at the end of it!
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1404322977 | 1404325758 | t3_29o0x0 | t5_2to41 | 21 | TreeBarkFleshLight: TIFU: A (Long Read) Bowling Battle Royale
So I’m on a bowling team, and things were going pretty peachy up until last night. The team consists of myself, my mother, my handicap brother Miller, my older brother Highlife, and Highlife’s wife. That sums to five people in total. We candlepin bowl, since we are from New England, which is a puritan culture that insists on doing everything the hard way (No one has ever gotten a perfect candlepin game).
The other team consists of five players as well, and of those five players two were absent, being on some sort of vacation. If a player is on vacation, their average is put into the empty boxes unless they perform a roll-off, which is bowling the strings on another day and having them go in for the score. So as a result, for this particular night, the other team consisted of these two fat-bottomed girls and this older woman, whom was innocent in the entire situation. The older woman and her assumed to be destroyed vagina was not without blame, however, since she gave birth to these two fat-bottomed girls.
[Pause the film for a second, to give you context on some slang]
A typical round of league bowling, for those unenlightened, consists of three strings, which consist of ten boxes. In each box, a player throws three balls. This summation results in a singular player throwing a total of thirty balls at a potential of 300 pins, with ten pins being in a set. This goes for both duck-pin and candlepin bowling.
[AND WE ARE BACK FROM COMMERCIAL!!!1]
I knew a shit stew was a-brewin’ box one of string one. Highlife and his wife made a comment to the bowling announcer about our opposing team and their fetish with crossing the line (Think Sobchak). The announcer then proceeded to make a formal announcement about line crossing, and how it counts as a foul in the particular league we are in. Unfortunately, the opposing team was smart enough to put two and two together. They noticed that Highlife and his wife went to the counter, and this announcement follow suit. They did not take it well. This was the flint.
At first, the ebbs and flows of the shit ocean were under control: The two fat-bottomed girls were talking amongst each other about how we were so “full of shit and that we should have our asses kicked”, in typical Jersey Shore drama escalating style. My brother Highlife and I are immune to this, being men living in 2014 with sensibilities. My handicap brother could not give less of a fuck, being too busy having conversations with his imaginary friend the Hulk and Riker from ‘Star Trek: TNG’. My brother’s wife seems to be cool too. My mother on the other hand, got very unsettled very quickly, which led her to have a permanent frown glued to her face. My mother’s chagrin was the delight of the evening for these fat-bottomed girls, who used it as pure bitch-fuel to power their bitch motorcycle over the bitch shark in the middle of the second string. This was the tinder.
The fat-bottomed girls proceeded to go to the bowling announcer and claim that we went over the line in every box, which unlike their adult onset diabetes, simply wasn't true. The bowling announcer then had a conversation with my mother, who has been taking my handicapped brother to bowl there for 15 years. My mother was already distressed to the point of an emotional breakdown, and told me this tale.
[This is the part where I fucked up (Fuck up one of two)]
Once I heard this tale of those fat-bottomed girls relaying the fake foul report to the bowling announcer, I TOLD MY BROTHERS WIFE. I guess I keep forgetting that my brother’s wife is a senior director in a shipping firm and is a calculating fisher cat that will carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding (Billy Joel Reference).
Highlife’s wife then immediately proceeded to call a foul on one of the fat bottomed girls when she stepped over the line (Remember, these guys are chronic line crossers, they are like Germany in WW2). The fat bottomed girl claimed Highlife’s wife was full of shit, so Highlife’s wife had to go grab the bowling announcer. This was the fuel.
The Fat-bottomed girl was not happy. This caused what I asses as an inappropriate reaction. The limit break was met on the fat-bottomed girl and she said Highlife’s wife was “A stupid bitch who is full of shit”. Highlife’s wife smirked and grabbed the bowling announcer who calmly spoke to the fat-bottomed girl who was in pure rage mode and explained the rules. The fat-bottomed girl was exceedingly rude to the announcer, in ways that make me seem slightly retarded if I try to quantify. The bowling announcer blew it off.
[Have you ever wondered what exacerbate means? Well here is the definition.]
This particular fat-bottomed girl disappeared for a moment. Just a moment. It was truly only a moment. I can assure you, it was just a moment. Within this moment, we saw the fat-bottomed girl disappear, and we saw a very overweight man come power-walking across the bowling alley like he was late for a meeting for a job he could not possibly possess. The extremely overweight man was hungry for a target, and like the fifteen baconators he ate this morning, he selected Highlife. Highlife’s wife was the one that called the foul after all, and this inexorably fat man has to protect the only living thing who has agreed to have sex with him. It is, as Brittney Spears would say, his prerogative. The fire is raging.
Mega-fat has arrived. It’s like in all those eighties party movies where someone unwanted crashed a party, or someone says something weird, and the record scratched and everyone looks over. Mega-fat proceeds to get Puerto-Rican on my brother, Highlife.
[Anti-Racism explanation: We are all Irish, except for Highlife’s wife, whom is Greek. I am as confused as you are about that. However, I have lived with a few Puerto-Ricans in my day, and when they get upset, you will know about it. That popular shirt slogan”Keep calm and carry on” has a variety that says “I’m Puerto-Rican, I can’t keep calm”. All you Puerto-Ricans have just slammed your computer desk with your fist, laughing hysterically. You guys are feisty. Also for the record, Mega-Fat appeared to be white, but I am willing to bet he ate a few Puerto-Ricans in his job as being a whale]
Mega-fat is losing it on Highlife. Threatening to hit Highlife, saying his wife is a bitch that is full of shit, and how Highlife is a pussy. Mega-fat was definabley threatening assault against Highlife.
[This part is the time Mega-fat fucked up]
My brother Highlife holds his ground and keeps it cool. My brother is saying things such as “I am sorry you feel that way,” and “You should explain to your girlfriend what the concept of a foul is,” Mega-fat chooses to increase the entropy of his argument and calls my 55 year old mother an old bitch, and in turn, insults every single one of us. Then he leaves to go beach himself, or that is what I can only assume.
My mother is shaking. I am shaking. For that entire Mega-fat situation, I was behind my brother. When it appeared to be a second away from blows, I took my glasses off, put them on the counter, and got into the pre-fight stance (All you drunks know exactly what I am talking about), which is similar to a soccer player’s athletic stance, only you clench your jaw and lower your skull, to prevent it from being rocked due to a hard cross.
That should have been the end of it. My brother is much cooler than I am.
Since the team featuring the Fat-bottomed girls was down a few players, they were naturally bowling faster, so there was a moment where my mother and I were bowling at the same time on separate lanes. During this moment, I am bowling like shit since I still have fight adrenaline, and my mother is on the verge of tears. She goes bowling every week with this white trash flea-market for my handicapped brother. He is an incredible bowler, and it is one of the very few things he has in life. He is not like you or me where he can decide on a new hobby and better a skill. He had a brain tumor when he was four years old and had to undergo treatment to save his live. The treatment saved his life, but left him with the permanent mentality of a four year old. He is in his thirties.
During this time where my mother and I were bowling together, towards the front of the third string, one of the fat bottom girls screams out “Could you bowl any fucking slower?”. My mother did not jive well with that comment. She started to shake like a French soldier. I saw this. I was aware. I turned around and said to the fat bottomed girl in a very quiet voice “You’re fat”.
[Time I fucked up two of two]
The fat bottomed girl lost it. She was off the rails at that comment. She started screaming all kinds of insults, which I won’t waste your time quantifying. After the salvo, I turned around and said “You seem upset, why don’t you go eat your feelings?”. This caused her to launch into yet another salvo, which was quite distracting. I grabbed the announcer with my ball in my hand and told him the situation. He insisted that is was my entire fault because I called her fat (cue woman’s equality issue). This fat-bottomed girl was clinically upset that I grabbed staff, and grabbed her boyfriend, whom we will call “Skeeter the crack hound”.
So Skeeter comes over, and as a refreshing change of pace to dealing with critically fat fake tough guys, he is quite skinny (I hear crack does that to you). Skeeter gets in my face and starts chiding me on my chivalry skills. He is saying he is going to knock my fucking teeth out and he is insisting we take it outside. Oh the things people do for their personal dick-garage (His woman). While Skeeter is in my face, I was nose to nose, just like my brother handled Fatty the Whale. As I was nose to nose, I said to this person “Get your skoal breath out of my face”. He got really upset at that and claimed he did not smoke. Humorously to me though, the second I said that, he backed off. There must have been a sub-conscious tic in his mind about smelling like chew. He was still screaming at me, mind you. He made a big threat about meeting me in the parking lot. After he left, his Fat-bottomed girl said to me “That is what you get for calling me fat”. I replied “You guys are good bowlers, but you have a big mouth”. She replied in typical bitch fashion “Yea, I do have a big mouth” accompanied by the hip thrust and the hand on the pelvis.
[Time I fucked up three of two]
When she admitted to having a big mouth, I replied “Yea, it’s good for eating fucking cheese burgers”. This caused her to scream out “OMG REALLY, SKEETER, DID YOU HEAR THIS MOTHERFUCKER SAY THIS TO ME!!?!?!?!?1” and Skeeter came back over and challenged me yet again. Oh the things people will do for their dick garage.
We discussed calling a police officer to protect our way to the parking lot, but the bowling alley announcer was insistent about us not getting the police involved. He is trying to make money, after all. My mother is still shaken, and does not want to go back next week, but I am going to go. Highlife and his wife feel the same way. My handicapped brother does not deserve to be robbed of the only thing he has in life because of some Fat-bottomed girls and their incessant need to create drama to add value to their otherwise meaningless lives.
TL:DR I play with my brother’s balls.
EDIT: Strangely, my brother's wife has agreed to bowl again if I apologize for calling that girl fat. I guess out of all the criminal threatening, calling my mother names, and yelling at my family, what it boils down to is you can't call a girl fat.
yes_no_yes_yes_yes: First off, that is a fantastic TL;DR
Second of, what the hell kind of bowling joint is this where they weren't ejected for their behavior? They crossed a line and brought it to a point where the police could have been acceptably called.
TreeBarkFleshLight: The bowling announcer understands that if police are called, it's bad press. He want's money. He kept insisting that I was fully responsible for the entire situation by calling the girl fat. The opposing team pays the same money we do to be there. I fully agree with you. I regret relying on RECON skills to escort my mother to the parking lot instead of calling the police.
| 3 | 7 | |
1404326864 | 1404352879 | t3_29o7lk | t5_2to41 | 296 | ouchmyhooha: TIFU by trying to trim my pubic hair
I'm a female in my 20s, and I like having a hairless body. I shave my legs, arms, and armpits on a daily basis, and I'd do the same to my lady parts if it weren't for owfuckmerazorburnneveragain. About a month ago, I went through a bout of depression and didn't get out of bed for a few days, so my girl grew a 70s afro (in hindsight, I should've just stuck a pick in it). I'm like *damn my pubic hair's never been this long, no me gusta,* so I head to the bathroom to reunite with my razor. Gotta pee, so I sit on the toilet. I see a pair of scissors. I've read a lot about females who "trim" down there before shaving and I'm like oh I should probably do that first. Cut a few hairs. Wtf this is difficult. Why am I even doing this? Try again. *snip* **FUCK.** Blood. There's blood down there and it's not coming from where it usually comes from. Scissors, meet clitoral hood.
TLDR: There's a reason clits have helmets
[deleted]: I don't know if this is a good idea for women or not. I use hand sanitizer as aftershave. The first several times, it was horrific pain. However, it got rid of the razor bump problem, so I kept at it. Apparently, normally, your skin has millions of little cracks made by the "healthy" bacteria and fungi that live on the surface of your skin. The hand sanitizer stings like a b at first because it's getting into those tiny cracks. After your skin heals up, though, it becomes more of a cool, burning sensation that is tolerable and goes away after a couple minutes.
Sorry you cut your prepuce. I've had experiences involving a normal set of hair clippers and a scrotum that I wouldn't want to relive through telling.
ouchmyhooha: I usually use witch hazel or coconut oil to prevent razor burn...both which usually work, but not well enough to shave every day :(
[deleted]: If you want to try it, be sure to find a hand-sanitizer (the green Purell) that has 60% ethanol, no triclosan, and has aloe vera. It should work better than witch hazel. I would be careful not to get it on your inner labia, vulva, or especially, inside your vagina.
scrndude: Alcohol free aftershave is way better for your skin. Alcohol just dries out the skin and can lead to more problems. Plus alcohol-free doesn't burn.
[deleted]: You need the alcohol. Nothing else kills germs as fast. It dries in seconds, leaving just the aloe vera. I've been doing this for years and haven't had a problem with dry skin.
| 6 | 49.333333 | |
1404327246 | 1404480387 | t3_29o89r | t5_2to41 | 3,553 | Wahnsinnn: TIFU by masturbating while drunk
So I came home from a solid 12 hours of drinking/getting stoned last night and thought I was pretty much alone. So naturally in my inebriated state I grab my vibrator and start going to town, nothing out of the ordinary. After about 20/30 minutes I can hear my roommates outside, but it's not a big deal since it's 1 am and they should be off to bed soon. Anyways, I keep going until I'm about to erupt and reach for my usual towel to deal with avoiding any possible messes upon my cumming.
It wasn't there.
So here I am clenching for what I can in my room and have almost gone beyond the deep end. Outside looks to be in the clear as the route to the bathroom is literally a 1 foot turn to the left. I'm pretty much holding myself to keep from cumming, no trousers or panties on to hide my shame. I make it to the bathroom and settle down before finishing. End of story right?
Outside I hear a shriek...
"SHE WAS CLUTCHING HER PUSSY AND A VIBRATOR!!"
Suddenly there's this sobering fact that my 2 female roommates, sheltered as fuck already, just saw me in my worst state about to cum all over a floor/myself in a last ditch effort to stay clean. Shame washed over me as I knew I was caught. In 4 years of living with roommates I've never been caught masturbating (fucking, yes, but that's another story). So now I think they're going to play some sort of victim and that I'm a pig for scooting out half naked. They know I'm bisexual, so they may think it was some sort of sexual advance (when it clearly wasn't).
TL;DR I drunkenly waddled to the bathroom to keep from cumming on myself and my sheltered roommates saw EVERYTHING.
Edit: one of them is threatening "sexual harassment" against me? Is that even possible?!?
spacecowboy007: Using a vibrator and having to stop before completion?
I would call that a buzz kill.
Wahnsinnn: /rimshot
Styrak: If you're into that sort of thing.
dancing_raptor_jesus: not in front of roommates though.
NRageTheBeast: >not in front of roommates though.
So, true story, the first time my last girlfriend and I had sex it was in front of both of her roommates. I have absolutely no idea how we got to that state, we had been getting baked for hours, and started fooling around, and one of her roommates was like "hey. Can we watch?" So. They did. We ended up dating for two months.
There was no rimshot though, so you are correct sir.
AeroGold: Did they join at all? Did that watching turn into a repeated thing or was it just the one time? We need to know... *for research*
NRageTheBeast: Well, having sex in front of them only happened once. We did wake them up an awful lot though. And...we made porn. Which she not only asked me to post to reddit (sorry, I deleted the posts when we broke up), but one of her roommates actually asked to watch. So...they all watched it together. Which was embaressing as they watched it about ten minutes before I arrived to take her out one night. Ah, strippers...
[deleted]: lol your ex-girlfriend blew dudes for money...
NRageTheBeast: Lol, no, she took her clothes off for money. She blew me for fun.
[deleted]: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but every stripper gives blowjobs for money. Some cost more than others, some only want drugs. But they all do it.
NRageTheBeast: I hate to break it to you, but your generalization is skewed. I don't have to defend myself to you, though. I'm the guy that dumps strippers, so yeah...doesn't matter.
[deleted]: Yes. You are the guy who dates strippers. You are the guy who dates girls who blow dudes for money. Good for you.
NRageTheBeast: I believe you truly believe that...but you're wrong. You're basing your argument on stigma and stereotype, without any knowledge of the facts regarding my referenced relationship, or the sex industry whatsoever. A stripper is not a whore. She doesn't have sex for money, she just implies sex through nudity and controlled physical contact under the eye of their club managers and bodyguards. It's easy to judge a whole group of people based on stereotype. My sister-in-law was a stripper for several years, paying her way to her degree. Now she's a geologist, and makes 65% percent more annually than my brother, an accountant. My ex was studying classic American literature, on her way to becoming a college professor herself.
Of course, you've clearly no capacity for compassion, and I suspect you are the jealous bully type, poking at others to feel better about yourself. That makes me sad. Remember this: Everyone you meet is waging a war within that you know nothing about. Be nice.
[deleted]: I am basing it on experience and reality. Give me 20 minutes in the VIP room with your classy ex-girlfriend and I'll have my kids on her lips. Ever wonder what another dude's jizz tastes like? Just remember the last time she came home from work and kissed you.
NRageTheBeast: Sorry you tasted jizz, bro. Just cuz you're bitter doesn't mean you know my experience.
[deleted]: LOL keep living in denial then, I don't care. Deep down you know it's true. That must be shitty, so I can respect your need to deny it publicly.
NRageTheBeast: Heh, the Internet is "public". I'm sorry you're so bitter, and I'm sorry you're so spiteful. I'm sorry that tasting another dude's jizz on one girls lips made you so mad you suddenly believe they're all whores.
[deleted]: You're not very smart so I think you misunderstood. I'm not the one kissing strippers who are sucking dick for money. Sigh. This is like arguing with a child.
NRageTheBeast: I understood your argument. You asked if I knew what jizz tastes like, because apparently you do from kissing the wrong strippers.
I just figured I'd sink down to your level for a minute =)
[deleted]: I didn't ask you if you knew. I know you know.
NRageTheBeast: Except I don't. See, thing is, this particular girl isn't a stereotype. It's not denial, boss, it's knowledge. It's personal experience. Your whole argument is based on your personal experience, just as mine is. I can sink to your level all day, but the fact remains, my experience isn't yours, and yours isn't mine. I can recognize the difference between a gold digging whore, and a starry eyed girl who worships me for treating her like a human being. Which is why I don't know what jizz tastes like. I didn't say shit about her being classy, she's trash and I love that about her. But she ain't a whore. And she ain't the only one. Just cuz a girl takes off her clothes for money doesn't mean she's got no self respect, it doesn't mean she's got no dignity.
But seriously, it doesn't matter what you think. You're a bitter, cynical, sad little guy who lashes out on the Internet because you're miserable, and you can't stand the idea that anybody else might have it better than you for even a little while. Fact is, I don't care at all, the only reason I'm pushing you is to milk your asshole mentality for all its worth. Even if it makes me look a little bit like an asshole, it's worth it, because you personify the toxic attitude of prejudice, and the only way the rest of the people in the world are gonna learn to be better is if someone is willing to point out what shutheads people like you are for trying to actively spread your negative and hurtful influence.
Oh, and by the way, she's naked in my bed as i type this, sleeping happily and satisfied. and i still don't know what jizz tastes like. Don't worry, we'll post the video soon.
[deleted]: Sorry if the truth is negative and hurtful for you, bud. Your personal experience is one of her blowing dudes behind your back. That's a fact. If that fact upsets you it's not my fault.
| 23 | 154.478261 | |
1404325534 | 1404375986 | t3_29o5dr | t5_2to41 | 9 | LeagueofHippies: TIFU. Giant, Mug of Tea
Teotwawki69: But there's no giant in your story...
LeagueofHippies: Giant mug of tea...
Teotwawki69: Commas are your friends...
Let's eat grandma.
Let's eat, grandma.
Huge difference...
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1404319382 | 1404353802 | t3_29nup7 | t5_2to41 | 93 | skankosuarus: TIFU by broadcasting porn over my bluetooth speakers. To my mom.
And I'm no kid. A little backstory.... I'm 39 and have been living with my girlfriend for the last few years. We recently (and suddenly) broke up, so I needed a place to live for a little bit. My parents were kind enough to let me live in their spacious home until I found my own place. Well, I have a fairly nice Bose bluetooth speaker system that I used at my old place all the time, so I decided to set it up at my parents' house while I'm there. I was trying to show my mother how to use it, but for some reason I couldn't get her iphone to connect to it. I told her I would try again later and then pretty much forgot about it.
Cut to a couple hours later when I was up in my room and looking forward to a good fap. I got pornhub revved up on my ipad and I was ready to go, but for some reason there was no sound on the video. This guy needs a little sound in his porn, so I switched to another video. Same thing. I turned the volume all the way up. Nothing. Then it dawned on me: my mother's iphone didn't connect to the speakers because something else was already connected (you can only connect one device at a time). My friggin' ipad was connected to my very powerful speakers and I had just blasted Porn at full volume. I walked downstairs and mother had this freaked out look on her face. She said she heard a Russian woman screaming in the house and she couldn't tell where it was coming from. She was actually scared. I told her I'd figure it out and it was probably from the TV.
Thank god I was watching Russian porn. That cuckold stuff I normally play wouldn't have been so easy to excuse.
the_winter_storm: Yes, you're quite lucky OP. It would have been an even better fuck up if it scared your mom enough to give her a heart attack.
SilithDark: > It would have been an even *worse* fuck up if it scared your mom enough to give her a heart attack.
[FTFY]
(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b48/Slamin/fixed_2.jpg)
the_winter_storm: Worse for him, better story for us. Would be a better fuck up.
SilithDark: Uhm... no.
the_winter_storm: To each his own.
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1404328531 | 1404444936 | t3_29oagw | t5_2to41 | 239 | Todaycansuckadick: TIFU by taking my dog with me when I cleaned my car
So, after a fight with my boyfriend I decided to leave. Being the smart girl that I am I think, hey let's bring my dog too. He loves car rides. So I take him to mc Donald's with me. All is good my friend.
I decided well my car needs to be cleaned so I should do that. Well, I pay $10 fucking dollars to clean my car. And it's spotless. I'm pretty stoked. And I am driving home, when I get home I look at my dog and he won't look me in the eyes. So I look down. What do I see? About two pounds of puppy vomit. I wish I were exaggerating. But no. He puked all over my emergency break. All over my console, all over the seat, and all over the side of the seat. So I spend the next 15 minutes cleaning dog vomit from my car after paying someone $10 to clean my car for me. Fuck you emmet. I also have a picture of him not making eye contact it's pretty funny.
Cheeto-dust: Yeah, we're going to need that picture.
Todaycansuckadick: http://imgur.com/90saZX3
The little assshat.
Colorsmadeoftears: Had to do a double take, your dog looks just like mine!!
http://imgur.com/1RBqOvb
Todaycansuckadick: Omg. Pitbull lab?
Colorsmadeoftears: Not really sure, which was part of my reasoning in posting a pic. He's about 5 months and 40 pounds. We always thought he may have some type of hound in him too, because he howls.
Todaycansuckadick: Can I see his face?
Colorsmadeoftears: http://imgur.com/iVBT8tR
EmEffBee: I would have to go with shepherd x terrier (probably staffordshire or pitt). You can do doggy DNA tests, I got one for my sisters dog.
Colorsmadeoftears: Interesting, I may do that. I would like to know, I also like his mystery though
| 10 | 23.9 |
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