start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1404330661 | 1404338158 | t3_29oeaf | t5_2to41 | 21 | zenoob: TIFU by wasting 2 days of hard work by my parents and 150€ worth of food.
Well fuck. I hoped I would only come on this reddit to laugh at people's face and their misfortune. Karma slapped me right back in my baby face.
Here's the context : my parents are Hmong (google that shit) and they kinda still have their old habits. Nothing wrong with that.
A few days ago, they spent, from what they just told me, 150€ for a pig. They used everything they could to make sausages and such. My mother wanted to smoke all that delicious shit today, but they also rent a field to cultivate their own stuff. And so today, I was entrusted with the task to keep an eye on the meat while they weren't at home. It was smoking outside, in the garden, in a metal uh... Barrel? Y'know the kind of barrel with the "Biohazard" sign on it usually.
Before leaving, my mother obviously told me what I had to do. Just keep an eye on it. Don't start a fire. Just keep an eye on it!
So being the dumbas I am, I just say "Yeah yeah, w/e, I know".
Fast forward a few hours : Dad calls and remembers me of my task. "Oh shit, I forgot about the meat". Oh, it's still there. No one stole it, the cat isn't eating it. All fine... "h. Wait, the fire's put out. LET4S FUCKING START ANOTHER FIRE!
I manage to light a fire. I'm proud. 20 minutes later or so : All hell breaks loose. I was taking a piss and thought "Hey, I should check the fire maybe?" And THANK GOD I DID. The house would have been on fire by now if I hadn't check it. The meat though, it had already become Satan's poop.
So yeah, there you go. 150€ and 2 days worth of work just for naught because of dumbass me.
I feel like shit. Please don't console me. I only have myself to blame.
I've never felt so bad before. And I totally deserve it. Dear Lord. FUCK ME.
I had to tell that SOMEWHERE. Fucking Internet. I hate you. But not enough to quit.
**Edit** : typo
doctor_why: People don't know what Hmong means? I live in Wisconsin. I go went to school with Hmong students. I have Hmong friends. I didn't know it was something people wouldn't know about. It's like saying you're German; people should know it's a thing.
zenoob: Heh. The US have the biggest Hmong community in the world IIRC. I live in France and we're not too many. Not close to where I live at least.
I'm glad you have Hmong friends. We're not some crazy dog eaters. Though I heard my parents already tried monkey. HAHAHAHA.
doctor_why: Oddly enough, I was going to use French in my example instead of German. Minnesota and Wisconsin have the majority of the Hmong population between them. They are centered around Minneapolis and Eau Claire, from what I've been told.
zenoob: Haha, I have some familly in Minneapolis. I visited them with my parents a few years ago. 11yo me was shitting in his pants when faced with the US dudes at the airport. I felt like 1 wrong word and my parents and I were to be sent in jail, hahaha.
Everything went fine fortunately.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1404323361 | 1404446502 | t3_29o1lh | t5_2to41 | 9 | assbangcowboy: TIFU by almost assaulting an elderly lady
This didn't happen today, but Sunday night.
I had been visiting one of my in-laws, who is currently still in critical condition at a local hospital and...well, he's in bad shape. It has taken a huge toll on the family to see him wither away week by week. On Sunday, we were told that his condition (congestive heart failure) was only getting worse and that there was no way for him to be released from the hospital. He's going to die there.
Of course, I had to deal with sobbing family members and a fuckton of stress and sadness rising within me. My wife decided to stay with her bedridden father overnight and told me that she'd be okay with me leaving to go home and feed the dogs. I planned on coming back in the morning.
As I'm taking the elevator up to the third floor of the parking garage where I parked my car, all that I was thinking is, "I can't wait to get drunk and watch cartoons." In the relative darkness, with no one around, I also realized that I finally had a chance to just let go and I started crying.
On the third floor, I spotted *my car* (more on this later) in the distance. The only person on the whole third floor was this short teenager wearing what looked like a beanie to cover his face. He was walking very slowly, almost as if he were exaggerating his slowness, and he had what I thought were tattered clothes and "douche-y" long hair sticking out from underneath the beanie. I thought, "Oh great, I'm going to get mugged," but the kid just walked slowly toward my car and didn't even notice me approaching.
My heart started racing. I was still crying, but I picked up my pace and eventually started running toward him. The kid reached down toward the driver's side door and opened it. At that point, I was in a complete panic. *This fucker is going to steal my car!*
I started flailing my arms and screaming "Stop!" along with a rainbow of obscenities. I wanted to grab that kid and toss him over the edge of the building.
And then, maybe ten feet away from the kid, who was settling into the driver's seat slowly and turning to see what the commotion was about, I made a heart-rending realization: "This isn't where I parked my car."
Now that I was closer, I looked at the "kid." It wasn't a kid---it was a short, old lady.
I ran away as fast as I could, found my car, and floored it out of there. And, at home, I did get drunk after all.
Looking back at this, I'm laughing at how absurd it all was (it reminds me of the movie *Die Hard* for some reason), but I still feel like a dick. I just hope that the lady didn't even notice that I was talking to her.
TL;DR I'm a shitstain.
MartinChavalinov: Dude I feel bad about what happened.
On a complete side note
> "I can't wait to get drunk and watch cartoons."
If you were a woman... I'd marry the shit out of you!
assbangcowboy: ha, thanks!
Thinking about it, I don't think the lady realized that I was addressing her. I'm hoping that she thought I was talking on the phone or screaming at someone else in the parking garage.
| 3 | 3 | |
1404331851 | 1404350184 | t3_29ogfg | t5_2to41 | 137 | [deleted]: TIFU by not going to pick up my dog from my sister-in-laws early enough
This was yesterday but it happened super late and I'm still dealing with the rammifications today. My wife dropped off our dog to her sisters and we went about our day like normal. We put off going to pick her up because it's 110° F outside so anytime we have to go outside it's a chore. Finally we get ourselves to get up and go, and when we get there we knock and don't hear dogs, which is TERRIFYING us because not once have we not heard the dogs when we come over. Well we get let in and ask "where are the dogs?".. "Oh just playing outside..".. And then we look over and see a cover over the door locking them outside. My wife FLIPS OUT and goes running to the door and opens it, and there's her dog that her sister was watching, collapsed, not able to walk, not being able to breathe, with a core body temp of 106°. He's very overweight, and has arthritis, so he couldn't even move himself to the water bowl outside, but it didn't matter because all the water had evaporated. There are three dogs total, ours, my wife's that her sister and parents watch, and another one that belongs to the parents. If we had waited one more hour to come pick them up, they said it was a good chance all three dogs would have suffered heat stroke. Now my wife's dog has been at the vet for 15 hours, and racked up a $1200 vet bill. Sometimes you just want to punch family in the fucking face for being so stupid.
hootie_patootie: That's not your fuck up. That's your sister-in-law's fuck up.
[deleted]: My sister in law was giving her child NyQuil to go to sleep before I showed her all the horrible horrible reasons why she shouldn't. I should have seen this coming, she's just retarded. What's even better is that she blames the dogs weight on why he was more effected then the other dogs and refuses to even talk about compensation. I want to punch her in the head.
[deleted]: > I want to punch her in the head.
Look man...**you** are the irresponsible dog owner here, stop playing victim.
At face value, at the end of the day, you are the owner and are therefore responsible for your dog's well being no matter what. There are exceptions to this, but this is not one of them for 2 reasons:
A) You knew how irresponsible your sister in law was and yet still decided to leave your dependent animal in her care.
> My sister in law was giving her child NyQuil to go to sleep before I showed her all the horrible horrible reasons why she shouldn't. I should have seen this coming, she's just retarded.
B) Your opening reasoning for explaining why you didn't pick your dog up earlier was because it was inconveniently hot out?
> We put off going to pick her up because it's 110° F outside so anytime we have to go outside it's a chore.
This line literally makes me sick.
Finally, I am still unsure why you had to leave the dog in your sister-in-law's care to begin with.
Your sister is not a responsible dog owner. But her dogs aren't the one at the vet and *you* are the ones who left him with an irresponsible dog owner for an extended amount of time because it was "too hot" and couldn't be bothered to take back custody of your animal.
As far as I am concerned, all of you shouldn't be dog owners. And this comment only reinforces this opinion.
[deleted]: I worded it pretty wrong. My dog is fine, my wife's dog who is old and overweight who was being raised by her parents since they wouldn't let her take him when she moved out. The dog is not my responsibility and yet I'm taking responsibility of everything that has happened. Sooooo how about you back the fuck off and stop pretending every dog owner can see into the future that somebody would be fucking stupid enough to leave anything alive out in this heat.
| 5 | 27.4 | |
1404332327 | 1404333847 | t3_29oha0 | t5_2to41 | 17 | Aerspasius: TIFU by burning my penis
So a bit of background first, I am a novice gardener and decided to try my hand at growing peppers specifically habaneros and jalapenos. Now the jalapenos have grown nicely and i decided try try my first pepper on a Jack Daniels pulled chicken sandwich and In my naivety I cut up the pepper and with my I pushed out the seeds. I then ate my delicious sandwich and then scratched my genitals. for the first few minutes everything seemed alright until I began to notice a dull burn from my nether region then what was once dull all at once felt like I had sprayed my dick with liquid metal. The pain being what it was I took off my pants and ran to the shower to soap myself down, however even that did not bring me relief because I still had not totally washed it off my hands. So after standing in the cold water for some time I slunk back to my room embarrassed with a very sore dick.
MartinChavalinov: There's a protein found in milk called "casein" that acts like a detergent against capsaicin.
Sugar water. Mix a tablespoon or more of sugar with a cup water and use it to rinse your dick lol. Cold sugar solution (10%) at 20°C is about as effective as whole milk at 5°C
If you're from 'murica google 5° and 20° to see what they are in Fahrenheit
Aerspasius: Instructions unclear dick caught in milk carton
No but seriously thanks I am going to try both
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404334262 | 1404423156 | t3_29okkr | t5_2to41 | 159 | [deleted]: TIFU by wasting thousands of dollars on an apparel startup that to date has sold 4 shirts.
canadiankorean: Have u ever considered that maybe your shirts just suck?
Rauchbaum: Did some research, the website is this: http://bashfulhound.com/ - you can judge for yourself
canadiankorean: that is some cringeworthy shit, lol
Super_Zac: The thing is is that they aren't designs, just name puns. Not even a very specifically relevant font. No personal offense to OP, but I don't think she understands marketing OR design.
cecikierk: OP is a woman?
Super_Zac: I don't know, I made the assumption.
| 7 | 22.714286 | |
1404335899 | 1404355395 | t3_29onfw | t5_2to41 | 7 | _White_Lies_: TIFU by not checking the gas.
Hello friends! This is all of my second post so please be gentle with me.
So some back story to explain, the clutch on my truck went out last week and needed replacing, sadly this fell under the category of I don't know how to fix it BUT my girlfriends step dad did and gave me a hand. So we spent all Sunday manhandling the transmission around under the truck until we got it working. Fast forward to Tuesday and I am feeling like it is lunch time so i go hop in the truck and...it wont start, fuck, so now I am worried thinking we dislodged something underneath, however my girlfriends mother thinks that the battery just needs charging on account of it acting this way before so on to the charger it goes....letting it sit...and nothing :(
So this morning I had to borrow granddads car to get to work, upon getting home I go start trying to figure out what went wrong and after spending about an hour crawling around on the ground underneath looking for anything amiss I go to try starting the truck with some jumpers only to notice that I had the wrong and empty gas tank selected.
TL;DR: I am a idiot.
MartinChavalinov: Similar story.. When I open my car door the dome light would go on, the radio stopped and the AC would turn off. When turn on the head beams the check oil and engine light would turn on on the dash board.. I was like wtf!? The computer is broken or something!? I go to check the computer, pay 100$ for a new one... still the same problem. My dad comes and says "did you check the fuse box?" I was like ---> ಠ_ಠ got a fuse for 1$, fixed it... I'm also an idiot.
_White_Lies_: then you just kind of wander the rest of the day going...*dammit*
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404337330 | 1404346107 | t3_29opwz | t5_2to41 | 16 | Fake_reddit_: TIFU: bondage and a mother-in-law [NSFW]
So this happened a while ago but I will write it as if it just happened.
I am 16yo and my GF is 17. We are both in our first really committed relationship. I just moved into my second apartment (mistake live with your folks as long as you can). I also had a roommate and he was away at work (he worked days and I nights). My place quickly became the hang out for all of my teenaged friends. Most knew my roommates schedule and to not knock if it was late hours. However there seemed to always be someone at the door.
So, it is summer time and my gf doesn't have classes so we had been spending a lot of time together. We were in the passionate discovery of each others body phase. Neither one of us was very experienced and thus did not know what we liked or didn't like. As most young people we heard of bondage and talked about it and decided to try it out.
I did not enjoy the bondage part much. In part my gf and I could not figure out a way to tie me down so I wouldn't be able to break free. But the next day and evening she was talking about how fun it looked to her to have me do everything to her and her not "squirm" around. "Cause it (oral) tickles sometimes yet feels good and who knows what would happen if I didn't have a choose but to take it." She said. This was enough to make me pull the car over and have our first public experiance. However that is not this story.
Back at my apartment it was late afternoon and me and the wife decided to have sex and try tying her down. Having give much though how to secure myself (as it failed prior) I had expert level idea of how to accomplish it regards to her. I stripped her down bound her hand with a soft bathrobe belt and tied (with the excess) them to the metal under frame of the bed below the box spring. I grabbed two belts she winced thinking I had some idea of spanking her with them. I threaded the tong of the belt through the latch with out latching it (as to form a slip not of sorts) slid it over her bare foot and onto her ankle. Then I lifted the mattress and box spring on one side and laid the belt on the metal frame. Now her own weigh would hold the belt in place something like a Chinese finger trap. I spread her legs open and repeated the process with her other leg. I started kissing her then placed a hacker chief "gag" around her mouth kissing down her body and between her legs for about three minuets then it happened.
There was a knock at the door. We were both so impassioned we just paused as if it was passing noise a figment, it wasn't. knock knock knock again. I stopped said out loud it am going to kill who ever it is, my gf moaned I removed the handkerchief she said, "untie me it could be my mom coming to visit she said she might." I told her that was unlikely and listed the names of my friends I most likely was and was about to kill, then I chuckled and jinxed myself saying very inappropriately, "how hot would mother/ daughter be?" Her loudly whispering "No! No!..." I chuckled and bounced out of my room and headed for the door.
Once in the living room I shouted at the door, "somebody better be dead". I was shirtless wearing shorts and nothing else swung the door open and it was my soon to be mother-in-law. There are perfect moments in life they do happen, those moment where you have a grand thought most of the time you do not say these thoughts and later say "I should have said" well I was about to have no regrets.
I said, "hi" she said after a pause and a thorough look at my state of attire "well he-ro-dare..." she did this baby talking thing it was kinda odd continuing, "... Is jenners (Jennifer my gf name) here I see her car thought id stop and see your new place." There was a clear wince and giggling noise from my room guess I left the door open.
I replied, stone faced, "yeah, she's tied up at the moment let me go get her."
f_unit: What does a wince sound like?
Fake_reddit_: The sound of a slight involuntary grimace or shrinking movement of the body out of or in anticipation of pain or distress.
f_unit: You can hear that? Are you Matt Murdock?
| 4 | 4 | |
1404339485 | 1404340654 | t3_29otfc | t5_2to41 | 19 | abominable_hoeman: TIFU by taking a picture.
I'm currently en route to LA to visit my family. I have a connection at O'Hare and the layover is 3 hours. Anyway, I'm sitting there bored off my ass and this group of high school students who are on some study abroad type program come by. I look over and there's a girl who resembles a friend of mine. I try to take a sneaky picture with my phone and the flash goes off. A whole group of high school students just saw this. I go red in the face and have to explain away this extremely awkward circumstance. She's and the others are on the same flight as me. I might try and exit the airplane early. Gonna die from embarrassment.
alphaMHC: I'm sitting next to you on the plane OP. You got to calm down man, none of this shit matters.
DramDemon: I'm up in the front. You guys better get off or I'll come over there and throw your devices out the window.
konaborne: Im outside tied to the wing. Help.
Kill_All_Trolls: I'm the Captain and you all better calm your tits now!
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1404340590 | 1404343762 | t3_29ov9q | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by pickin and stickin to it.
TL;DR :Picked my nose got caught.
This happened earlier today. So I accompanied my friend to go eat at his university. He goes into class and I stay studying in the library for my final tomorrow. Now, since it's summer there aren't much people around. So I just found the closes spot to the entrance. Im slaving at the books when I suddenly get this extreme itch in my nose. Knowing there will be nobody around, I go for it, holding nothing back. I'm balls deep with my finger in my nose, and the satisfaction numbed me from my surroundings. Suddenly I feel this gaze. As im staring up I find this cute girl smiling at me. As I start to smile back I completely forgot about the dick finger in my nose. Quickly I took my finger out of my nose. To my surprise, I didn't come out empty handed. Out came the slimmest monstrosity possible out of a young male. I saw that smile turned to disgust in microseconds. As I layed my head back down from extreme embarrassment , I heard her and her friend walking away laughing.
Ketelbinkie: University student does not know how to spell disgust?
Teotwawki69: University student doesn't know how to spell a lot of things.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404338008 | 1404370618 | t3_29or1o | t5_2to41 | 12 | MartinChavalinov: [NSFW] TIFU at the RC.
The_Rhythm_Ninja: Fuck that -don't feel guilty. If they kept clean facilities, you wouldn't of had to spray paint the walls. That's their bad, homie ;)
LexBattenberg: I agree with this dude
| 3 | 4 | |
1404342074 | 1404400855 | t3_29oxkq | t5_2to41 | 388 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching my girlfriend. She was trying to give me a blowjob.
So I was in deep sleep this morning when I feel like someone/something is touching me, and it's kinda rough. I kinda open up my eyes and IT'S THERE, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO SO I FALCON PUNCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER! I rub me eyes fast and there's crying and screaming everywhere. It's my girlfriend, better say it was... I keep apologizing and try to explain but she's not having any of it, so she left and I haven't seen her for hours... TIFU.
badbunn: You both delivered some blows this morning
fhwilliams: zing!
qervem: I remember this story from my youth:
I was having a sleepover with a female friend in my class. Her parents were a little bit like hippies, so they thought it would be cool if they locked me in her room with her. I offered to sleep on the super comfortable couch-chair she has at her desk, but she just told me "Oh, that's alright! I wouldn't want any houseguest to feel uncomfortable when I have them sleep over here!"
So I slide in under the covers with the girl. "I don't want it to feel awkward, here, I'll put a pillow between us." We turn the lights off, and slowly doze off.
It's still dark outside when my friend gently gets up and starts to undress. She knows exactly what she's going to make me wake up to. Her pajamas slide off her hips, and takes forever to slide down her long, slender legs. She crawls under the covers, and to her delight, finds me already hard in my sleep. She puts the cock in her mouth and starts sucking hard.
So I'm stirring in his sleep, and eventually I slowly wakes up and tenses up to the sensations. I was moaning and hadn't realized it, because I first noticed his bedmate was having her way with me, and I liked it. As I got closer and closer to finishing, I started moaning louder and louder. He pulls the covers off so I can see exactly what I'm getting.
I just scream, as I see a 500 foot monster from the paleolithic era chewing on my mangled penis. I passed out from blood loss and woke up in the hospital. There were flowers on the bedside table with a note. It read: "Sorry about last night. Also, your hospital bill cost $3,500 so I'm going to need that back whenever."
wolfman86: I don't get this.......
thisprofilenolongere: http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/151219/loch-ness-monster
wolfman86: Thanks
| 7 | 55.428571 | |
1404342075 | 1404343694 | t3_29oxkt | t5_2to41 | 35 | Vamiinfu: TIFU by flashing my paused homemade porno to my boss
Throw away obviously.
I was bored at work & I was going through my gallery on my phone when I came across my vacation porno. I watch it because I'm quite proud of it. I paused it while I was mid deep throat when my boss calls on me to ask me about an order. I pause it & lock the phone. I forget about it.
Mid conversation he becomes cold & turns away. I'm quite odd about picking up social ques so I think it's just to end the conversation. I think nothing of it so I leave his office. I sit back down and take out my phone & I notice, my phone wasn't locked but it was still paused a the scene of me taking a footlong to the face.
I had been putting the phone to my face while I was talking & gesturing during the conversation.
FML!!
EDIT: I am a She.
Nessiah1: I'm surprised he didn't give you a promotion or raise or something.
Teotwawki69: OP didn't mention whether they're male or female, now did they?
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1404337906 | 1404346519 | t3_29oqvz | t5_2to41 | 50 | Zintilyaspin: TIFU by playing a prank
***How To Almost Get Expelled By Being a Fucking Idiot: a comprehensive guide***
Step 1) Be in Summer School, and have roommates
Step 2) Decide to play a prank on one of your roommates
Step 3) Steal his mattress, and pretend to know nothing about it. Hide the mattress in his closet.
Step 4) When he gets a new mattress, take that as well and stash it in the closet for later.
Step 5) When he gets his third mattress, hide that in his closet as well.
You are now ready to get fucked.
Stealing someone's mattress as a prank would be okay, and indeed it was okay. The prank itself wasn't the problem. What was the problem was when he opened his closet later after he realized that his third mattress was missing, and they all fell on him and he fell and hit his head on the ground. One concussion, two meetings, and three *very* angry assistant deans later, you have successfully been *almost* expelled.
jefemartinez: Questions:
1) What's the turnaround time on getting a new mattress? Which leads to:
2) How many closets does this guy have that he never looked in there over the time it took to build up to 3 mattresses? Which leads to:
3) How fucking big is this closet?
edit: formatting
Zintilyaspin: 1)He has his own room with a bunk bed, only nobody ever sleeps in the top bunk. So after we took his first mattress, he just started using the second one. After we took the second mattress, he went to our dorm advisor and borrowed a mattress from his room. So this entire thing played out over two days.
2) He has one closet which he never uses, which is fair I supposed because I don't use mine either. We really have no use for our closets.
3) It's not a question of how fucking big the closet it (even though it is fairly large), it's a question of how fucking small the mattresses are. They're a bit on the small side. Nevertheless, after the third mattress, there was no more room for a fourth.
jefemartinez: Follow up question:
When it happened, did it kind of look like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bfs6w87T32c#t=11)?
edit: formatting, damnit
Zintilyaspin: Not really no? lol
| 5 | 10 | |
1404337662 | 1404368224 | t3_29oqhc | t5_2to41 | 5 | Chazzlessss: TIFU CSGO cockblocked me..
I was just about to start a game of CSGO when this girl came over to my house. I was sitting in the lobby, and the girl was just sitting in my room talking to me. My friends really wanted to start the game, So he typed "Tart" to me on steam instead of "Start".. the message popped up and yeah..
Cockblocked
nhebert1987: I don't get it
Horst724: same here. My only real reaction to this is 'What?!'
Exeazs: She thought that one of his friends wrote that she's a tart. Which is an insult towards woman.
Horst724: ohh, as non--native speaker i was not aware of that.
| 5 | 1 | |
1404340772 | 1404414079 | t3_29ovm0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Throwawaymd96: tifu by calling my manager a bitch
My manager wasn't giving me a number so I said "way to be a bitch (name here)" jokingly and he yelled at me for it and I told him I realized it was wrong for me to do that and told him profusely and now I don't know what to do he smirked when I said I was sorry.
srvaughan121: He smirked because he made you HIS bitch.
Throwawaymd96: Oh that makes me feel better now
Omer98: *well* that's what happens when you call your manager a bitch.
| 4 | 2 | |
1404342979 | 1404366995 | t3_29oyzi | t5_2to41 | 10 | Exeazs: TIFU by having no memory
This happened two weeks ago, however the it was only discovered today. I'm a youth who doesn't drink very often and when I do, I usually get really fucked up and have no recollection of the past events the following day. I hear all the time of the cringe worthy things I do however, this was on a whole new level.
2 weeks ago I was at my friends girlfriends house with him, her and another girl. I don't know either of the girls very well however I've drunk with them before. I showed up sober and hadn't eaten all day and informed them multiple times yet they still kept telling me to chug drinks, so I did. A few hours later, I'm plastered and crawling around on the floor speaking jibberish that no one understands... this is bad itself however it get worse. Sometime during the night I disappear then show back up, with what seems to be puke on my shirt. I'm only going to assume that I say that I didn't get sick from what followed. (At this point my memory is completely blank). Apparantely they kept questioning me that's all my mate said. After several more hours I attempted to make my way home, however, got about 10 meters before thinking I'm too tired, i'll just sleep here on the pavement. Then my mate put me in his car and I ended up sleeping there.
Skip forward 2 weeks. I'm sitting here playing Counterstrike when my mate bursts out into laughter and says, "BTW THEY FOUND YOUR PUKE!". At this point all I can think of is.. Shit. "Yeah apparantely you got sick in a bucket next to the toilet and it's been lying there for 2 weeks, She's so pissed off." to make matters even worse it was her parents who found it.
TL;DR Puked at girls house, her parents found it two weeks later in a bucket.
Rtwose: If you threw up in a bucket, that's pretty damned respectful. First time I got seriously hammered was at a family party (I was ~15) and I threw up over an elderly aunt...
Exeazs: It was next to the toilet, Why didn't I get sick in the toilet? And why in my stupid drunken state didn't I earn up to it. I'm a fucking idiot lol :P But yeah, You beat me, that's pretty bad
jarmitage: Maybe you were using the toilet at the time. Not sure I understand how no one discovered it before 2 weeks - vomit reeks.
Exeazs: Neither do I. I doubt I was on the toilet at the same time. My anxiety prohibits me from doing anything else than taking a piss and that's only if i'm desperate.
| 5 | 2 | |
1404343552 | 1404344973 | t3_29ozvn | t5_2to41 | 37 | babybatterup: TIFU by having a small cock...
Magyman: Do you not hold your dick when you piss?
Rtwose: Quoting op:
I ran into the bathroom, sat down
Would be a bit weird if he was still holding his dick at this point (though, given the story, might now be prudent?)
Magyman: I mean, he got to the point where the flow was going and he was fiddling with his phone, at some point you think he'd have aimed the cannon.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1404345260 | 1404345708 | t3_29p2iw | t5_2to41 | 5 | DonkeyKongSSJ69: TIFU on a drink run
Got co-workers' drinks and money and went on a boba run. Got there, waited in line for 30 minutes since apparently school's out for the summer. After double/triple checking the orders and the results, I pick the stuff up and load it up and head back to the office. I greatly misunderestimated the structural integrity of the drink holders and went to go pick them up by the sides and spilled all the drinks into my car. There were 2 survivors.
cuntflapper1: what the fuck is a 'boba run'?
DonkeyKongSSJ69: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubble_tea
A sort of drink. Think of it as the Asian equivalent of a Starbucks run.
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Bubble tea**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubble%20tea): [](#sfw)
---
>__Bubble tea__, also known as __pearl milk tea__ or __boba milk tea__, is a Taiwanese tea-based drink invented in [Taichung](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taichung), [Taiwan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taiwan), during the 1980s. The term "bubble" is an Anglicized imitative form derived from the Chinese *bōbà* (波霸), meaning "large", slang for the large, chewy [tapioca](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tapioca) balls commonly added to the drink. These are (粉圓, *fěnyuán*), also called "pearls" (珍珠, *zhēnzhū*). Most bubble tea recipes contain a tea base mixed with fruit or milk. Ice-blended versions are usually mixed with fruit or syrup, resulting in a slushy consistency.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/9wUG5nq.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bubble_tea_by_Chill_Bubble_Tea.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Tapioca](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tapioca) ^| [^Taiwan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taiwan) ^| [^Grass ^jelly](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grass_jelly)
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| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404343938 | 1404393585 | t3_29p0ir | t5_2to41 | 92 | cwood1973: TIFU by buying dinner for my daughter and her friends.
Last night my teenage daughter had some friends come into town and I took them all out to dinner. We went out to a nice family restaurant and I told them I'd pick up the tab.
When the check came I pulled my wallet from my back pocket, opened it, and a condom flew out and landed in the middle of the table. Not a wrapped-condom... not a condom wrapper... but an actual condom still rolled up.
How? How could this possibly happen? Well, as a single dad I keep a "just in case" condom in my wallet. Only I'd forgotten about this one. I figure the friction caused by sitting on my wallet must have rubbed open the condom wrapper. The condom itself has lubricant, meaning it easily slid out of the pocket where it had been living for several months.
My daughter was mortified... in fact it's one of the only times I can remember her being speechless. Her friends just about died with laughter.
I sat there thinking of some way to recover. Should I say "how about dessert?" No... way too creepy. "Better safe than sorry?" ... too dad-ish. I settled for "Let's do this again next time your friends come to town!"
I probably won't be buying them dinner anymore.
jcaits: You thought that was bad, wait until one of those little shits tells their parents what happened
tishstars: If this was the US, op would be labeled a pedophile immediately.
Bananaboatsunshine: Really? They are teenagers but? That isn't what a pedophile is attracted to.
joleme: A large number of people consider pedophilia to be when someone is attracted to anyone under 18 years of age because 18 is when a person magically transforms into an adult that makes great life choices.
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1404346026 | 1404346475 | t3_29p3ow | t5_2to41 | 4 | Daftfather: Tifu by forgetting my ticket
Well this is happening right now, so I would say it's pretty fresh.
This morning I woke up, checked that I had remembered to pack everything I needed for a week of beer and loathing at Denmark's biggest festival, Roskilde, and headed for the airport.
Well I just found out that amongst my belongings there was no ticket...
After pleading my case to the guy in the ticket-booth to no avail, I'm now making myself comfortable in a secluded spot in the parking-lot (all the hotels are full..).
So now I'm laying here under that stars hoping it won't rain tonight.
Hopefully I'll get someone to send me a picture of the ticket tomorrow, so I can get this sorted out. Fuck
Tl;dr Indiana Jones threw me out because I didn't have a ticket.
Rtwose: http://www.weather-forecast.com/locations/Roskilde/forecasts/latest
Looks like you have a dry (and lonely) night ahead of you. GL with your unexpected camping...
Daftfather: Thanks, that's fantastic news!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404347238 | 1404361327 | t3_29p5o4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | yourmomlikedit69: Tifu by getting head
Murtillon: Are you from MN?
yourmomlikedit69: The Somali capital of america? Yes.
Murtillon: Lol thought so. I also live there.
| 4 | 2 | |
1404340499 | 1404374055 | t3_29ov3i | t5_2to41 | 17 | hopeidontdie: TIFU by snorting weed.
So this actually happened this last Saturday. I recently moved about 3 hours away from home, so I don't get many chances to visit. So I drove up and planned on spending the whole weekend in my hometown.
Anyway, come Saturday, my cousin called me and asked if I wanted to chill and smoke some bowls. Awesome. It's been a few months since I've seen him, so I was preparing for an epic smoke down (we titled it "The Smoke Down Showdown"). So we're parked on his front lawn smoking some bowls, and his dealer texts him to let him know he could do an eighth for $45 (usually $50-$60).
So we take off to go pick up, pull in the dudes driveway, and it was literally one of the sketchiest deals I've been involved in. A kid no older than 13 walks down the driveway, and sticks his hand in the car. We're asking him who he was, and he wouldn't tell us. He just took the money, dropped the bag, then went back up the driveway.
We pulled away and my cuz driving, so I was checking out the bud. At first glance, it looked like some well trimmed mids. I showed him and he thought the same thing. We get back to his house, and park in the front yard in the shade. As I'm packing a bowl with my own weed, he's grinding up the stuff he just bought.
So he's kinda paranoid he just got ripped off, and at this point we're both pretty baked. I see him examining the weed in the grinder (hadn't tried it yet), and after sniffing it a few times, he exclaims: "Dude it's really not that bad...". So he proceeds to hold the grinder up to my nose and I take a wiff. Only he put it a little too close, and I might have sniffed a little too hard. It was impossible to breathe through my nose with all the sticky resin from the bud, and i spent the next 5 minutes trying hard to cough/blow it out, and my cousin can't quit laughing.
Finally, I clear my nose, and everything's back to normal. We had an epic hot box, and I proceeded to reach an epic [8]. Later after we said our goodbyes, I went back to my hotel. I was talking to a female hotel employee at the counter, and then the next thing I know, i had the most epic sneeze of my life. It was like a bomb went off in mouth, and came straight out my nose, all over my arm. The hotel employee just stared in horror, as I looked down and see dark green flakes mixed with my yellow-green mucus.
tl;dr: had epic smoke down with the cuz, accidentally snorted 3 whole marijuana's, and later sneezed green shit all over myself in front of a female hotel employee.
serpentwhistler: Ouch! An eighth for $45? That's outrageous! Where the hell are you? Jersey?
hopeidontdie: Not sure if serious or... Anyway, I live in a non legal/medical state in the Midwest. I usually pay $50 for an eighth of dank but sometimes mother fuckers wanna charge $60.
teddylovesmila: This is typical in a bunch of places in Illinois and Wisconsin.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1404349729 | 1404372288 | t3_29p97r | t5_2to41 | 21 | El_K_Uno: TIFU by asking my one armed coworker if he "needs a hand."
This happened a couple days ago. Sorry for the delay. I bartend a hotel bar. We had a wedding party buy out almost the entire hotel over the weekend. They were one of the least respectful groups I've ever dealt with, but that's another story. One of the amenities we offer is in house filtered bottled water. After a super busy weekend I had a massive pile of water bottles to wash and fill. Tedious, to say the least. So I'm plugging away, pull a rack out of the dishwasher and fill bottles, repeat. By rack 3 my brain is completely checked out. At the end of the bar we have a big water jug where guests and staff get water. I hear somebody getting water but don't look up, as this happens 400 times a day. Suddenly I hear fumbling and a mild explicative. Thinking a guest was having trouble with the spigot, I say, without looking up, "Do you need a hand?" Silence. I finally look up, see my coworker standing there staring at me, with his one arm and a strange expression on his face. Oh God. Mortification mode: activate! He started laughing and walked away, leaving me alone to wallow in embarrassment.
Tl;Dr I'm not an asshole, I just wasn't paying attention.
MisterAdeman: My buddy blew 3/4 of his hand off with fireworks a few years back. I saw him one day in Boston, and not even thinking, went to shake his hand, as we'd always done.. He just looked at me funny, asked if i was an asshole, and gave me a big hug. Took me a few minutes to remember about his hand, but i felt like a dick once I did. He has a decent sense of humor about it though, even using the hashtag YOHOH(You only have one hand) in most of his online posts.
El_K_Uno: Your buddy sounds like a great guy. Reminds me of a guy I used to know named Josh 9 who would give out high fours.
6romperstomper9: I'm sure your coworker realizes your question was 'armless'.
El_K_Uno: Nice. I once knew of a guy people called "Two Legged Tim" because he only had one arm. I'm actually not making that up. He wasn't fond of the nickname.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1404347702 | 1404353484 | t3_29p6eg | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by jacking off without locking my bedroom door after drinking all night with my roommate.
It was a month or two ago, but [another post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/29o89r/tifu_by_masturbating_while_drunk/) just reminded me of it.
I was drinking with my roommate. Hard. Probably 3 am, I decide to call it quits. Leave him the cigarettes because I figure I won't need them again until morning (this is important.) I get into my room, shut the door, pull up some porn and start cranking it.
My door opens. Not just a little, it flies open. No knock, no warning, open door, I'm mid-stroke and my best friend is walking towards me. He's too drunk to even realize what he just walked in on. His mind is still focused on giving me back my cigarettes.
He's reaching out with the pack and he freezes, finally realizing that I've got my engorged member in my hand while Lexi Belle is getting gang banged on my computer screen. We make eye contact. NBD.
*No worries, dude. Just chilling here with my dick in my hand.*
And yes, I finished what I was doing after he left and shut the door.
Dr_SnM: He fucked up not you. You just keep on jerkin' and make sure you give your roommate a lecture about boundaries.
[deleted]: Nah, he was just drunk and trying to give me my shit back.
Dr_SnM: Perhaps you need some sort of code for "I'm going to my room to rub one out". Perhaps this "Hey, gunna go wank, don't come in". Feel free to chuck in a wink at the end (results may vary).
[deleted]: Pretty sure I've said something similar once since. At this point, "just chilling with my dick in my hand" is an inside joke.
| 5 | 5 | |
1404354647 | 1404355158 | t3_29pglj | t5_2to41 | 4 | GnarlyByGnature: TIFU by trying to give a homeless man a dollar...
ol-stinkbug: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WCiBPjckTg&t=1m22s
GnarlyByGnature: Ahhhh, Neely... :D
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404357142 | 1404357833 | t3_29pk74 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Scheddar: TIFU by masturbating with my markers. [Absolutely NSFW]
DongWise: So what are you going to do with the old ones? Someone might buy them
Someone....
Scheddar: I think I finally purged them and threw them out in a tightly wrapped trashbag..
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1404337803 | 1404367213 | t3_29oqpt | t5_2to41 | 14 | the_winter_storm: TIFU by coloring my hair.
Okay so I'm coloring my hair (if you haven't figured it out by this point, I am a woman).
I color my hair all the time (or at least, I used to) and I finally decided I would color it today. Well, I've never closed the bathroom door in the past because I haven't needed a reason to.
I had to close it today because reasons. I didn't think about turning on the bathroom fan (since I've never needed to) and proceeded to color my hair via chemicals.
About halfway through one side of my head I started getting dizzy and realized I was inhaling very strong chemicals. I scrambled to turn on the bathroom fan and fell against the wall.
Needless to say, I'm still dizzy and now have unnecessary color all over the damn place. Fuck this.
TL;DR: If you need to clean up hair color, using nail polish remover, it works like a charm.
EDIT: also, in my panic, I dropped the rest of the color in sink which is now stained. I'm using the polish remover but not all of it will come out. This is an apartment. :c
napoleonsmom: I'm really sorry for you, and I've seen my mom complaining about feeling dizzy from the smell too, if it makes you feel better.
the_winter_storm: Usually it's not that bad but holy cow, all the fumes at once X.X
napoleonsmom: You should see if it haven't done any damage to your hair. My mom had to cut about 5 fingers long, so she wouldn't loose all of her hair. And it was smelling like plastic bags...
the_winter_storm: Haha don't worry, my hair is fine! [See? :D](http://imgur.com/yrYmp2L)
I'm not too worried about my hair because for some odd reason, I'm fairly impervious to chemicals. I must be the newest member for the X-Men because seriously, I have yet to find a chemical that hurts my skin.
For example, (NOT THAT ANYONE SHOULD!!!!) I can use straight bleach without wearing gloves and it does absolutely nothing to me. No burn, itch, redness or even dry skin. I can color people's hair (as well as my own) without using gloves and the same thing, it doesn't even phase me.
I'm not sure why chemicals don't bother my skin because that's extremely abnormal and I have yet to find anyone else like me but hey, a superpower is a superpower!
^My ^hair ^is ^impervious ^to ^the ^damages ^from ^hair ^chemicals, ^too ^which ^is ^super ^duper ^weird.
napoleonsmom: Sheeeeit! Just reading "bleach" made my throat swallow and hurt!
I'm glad your hair is fine. And I sure will call you when Discovery does another Super Humans episode!
clay_davis_bot: [SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT](http://i.imgur.com/nv9hR03.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/FloweryDimwittedKiwi](http://gfycat.com/FloweryDimwittedKiwi)
---
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| 8 | 1.75 | |
1404359998 | 1404400377 | t3_29po3x | t5_2to41 | 9 | dancer69: Tifu by making my fwb think i thought he would hit me (im an asshole)
(28/f) past: was in an abusive relationship for 6 yrs.
Tifu: was chillin w/fwb when i got the sudden urge to bite him. So i did, on the neck forgettin i need to only bite where cloths can hide b/c he bruises easy. He jumped up to look in the mirror & i almost started crying b/c (even though i know he would never) i was expecting to b slapped. I told him why later on & now i have him thinking he overreacted when he did not. I think i fucked up a great friendship by making him think, i thought he would hit me when i kno he never would. I feel like such an asshole.
(TL:DR made my fwb think i thought he was abusive now i feel like an asshole & feel like i fucked up a great friendship)
MoreTeaWesley: Talk to him. If you're comfortable enough with him to explain your past relationship he will absolutely understand the response you had. My last relationship was abusive as well, and I know exactly what you mean. I don't want of say "just tell him", because I know it isn't nearly that simple, but try to let him know it's not that you thought HE would hit you, it's the response you're used to getting and you instinctively reacted to it. After time you won't even flinch at a raised voice. Keep your head up, and please feel free to PM me anytime you feel you need to talk to someone who's been in a similar situation. I know how isolating it can feel, but you're not alone.
dancer69: Thank u & he knows of my past n told me tonight i nevef need to worry around him & i know i dont but the fact that he was apologizing n telling me i never need to worry is what kills me b/c i made him think i was worried when im not. Like u said it was just instinct.
MoreTeaWesley: It's such a tough place to be in. I'm glad you've found someone who is decent and who understands! Instinct is a hard thing to surpress, but try not to let it give you guilt. You were taught to feel that way, it takes a lot longer to unlearn something!
dancer69: B/c of the way i am now & the way i act is the reason i dont really have any friends & the few i do have i want to keep but i feel like by my reaction tonight i may have lost another one b/c of how i am now.
MoreTeaWesley: Are we possibly the same person?!?
No, but seriously, my current situation is so very similar to yours. I lost so many people after I found the courage to leave my ex. I have a FWB who is an amazing friend and who I feel like I can confide in. It has been a long time since I felt that with anyone, let alone someone I was sleeping with. If you really feel like this may have pushed him away, give him a few days to himself. Honestly, from the way it sounds, I don't think it will turn him off or push him away. If anything I think there's a very good chance he will be sweeter and more attentive in the days and weeks to come. I'm not saying it's an easy journey, but with time you can reach that point I know you're hoping for.
dancer69: The point where i dont flinch or have trouble sleepin? I really hope so its been ovr 2 yrs since ive been out of that relationship & i dont wanna ruin n e more friendships.
MoreTeaWesley: If you don't believe you can reach a point where you don't feel like that, then you never will. You can't get better without wanting to get better. Again, I've been where you are, I'm almost two years out and yes I also still find myself unconsciously protecting myself from people, having trouble sleeping, and getting triggered by the smallest things, but I honestly believe that with time I won't have those responses anymore. I've come a long way from where I was when I first left my ex and it may have taken much longer than I wanted and I'm still not at the finish line, but I don't think I would have even made it this far without first believing I could.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1404359206 | 1404398906 | t3_29pn2b | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a blowjob
So as all TIFU start out, this was about 2 years ago with my ex girlfriend. We were a long distance relationship and hardly ever saw each other. Well after awhile, we were at her house just hanging out, about to go see The Avengers, and she offers to give me a blowjob.
Well it must've been pretty damn good because when I finished I guess I let out a silent fart, luckily no smell or anything. Silent but deadly.. Right? Yep. I sat up as she headed to take a shower and noticed there was shit on her bed. I fucking sharted. Luckily she was in the other room. So I ran and got a wet towel and decided to wipe it down quickly without thinking. It wiped up pretty well and I put her blanket over it.
Luckily I was able to clean myself up and everything. Come a month later she sends me a picture of it and goes, "This is the biggest fucking cum stain ive ever seen". She had no clue, and never found out.
TL;DR I got a blowjob, sharted, cleaned it up, thought it was cum.
MiggzIsCrazy: That head game of hers is something to talk about for real. So good she made you shit yourself... btw, what color is her bed spread and also what are you eating that your shit isn't brown?
6romperstomper9: She sucked the shit out of you.
SidiusMaximus89: I chuckled at my desk from this.
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1404343580 | 1404663272 | t3_29ozxn | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by biking 11 km (~7 miles) whilst fasting
Yes this actually happened today but whilst I'm typing it'll not be. Anyway I on my holidays now and I wanted to get fit. This month is Ramadan, I do it for non religious reasons, but I wouldn't let that stop me on my way, so I begin a plan for biking to improve my fitness. Fasting is basically 20 hours without any type of food or water. After 3 days of trying I finally reached 10k so I headed back to my house, when I got there I took out my phone from my bag to see that I had done 10.82k so I thought fuck it might as well go for 20 more metres. I put my bag on the handle bar, since it's such a short distance. Big Mistake. Basically I had done about 15 metres but when I turned around the bag got caught in the wheel. I capsized and couldn't move because of how the bike fell. I somehow got myself up and staggered to my house when I saw the damage. The bag had obviously ripped but my first smartphone was literally like almost dried clay. The screen was shattered but the phone frame was a mess not to mention the display which was now a rainbow of misery. No injuries but phone shattered and can't afford a new one until after two years. After that went for another bike ride without my phone. Not my worst TIFU but all the other are too old and life threatening unlike this one.
Foreigncarwhipper: I am fasting for Ramadan too, bjt because I am a muslim and I usually bike on trails for like 6 miles every other day. My biggest fear of it is getting dehydrated because where I live, it is pretty hot. At like 3 in the morning for suhur, essentially breakfast, I drink like 3 bottles of water and after a bike ride i have like no energy left. It really is amazing how energizing and revitalizing water is. Anyway, sorry about your phone.
ssjkriccolo: Are you allowed to take supplements /vitamins while fasting? If you work out over an hour and get really sweaty your body will actually lose it through moisture
condemnedtohell: During the day there is an allocated time when fasting is finished, you can only eat during that time; between sunset and sun rise. With the exception of those times absolutely no food is consumed even water.
ssjkriccolo: So during those times you could take an exceptional amount of vitamins and other things to replace what might be lost during a workout?
condemnedtohell: You could but because you haven't been eating for the whole day you metabolism slows down so it's hard to consume in large quantities.
| 6 | 2 | |
1404362950 | 1404420798 | t3_29ps3v | t5_2to41 | 27 | ScroogeMcDuckII: TIFU by letting my nuts hang.
Jesus, I didn't think i'd be posting here so soon. So...
I was having some sexytimes with the lady, there was lube involved (i'll leave it at that). So I guess throughout the night it moved from my shaft to my nuts, eventually coating them in lube. Didn't care, having sex.
So afterwards she went to take a shower and I went to sleep, and my fan was on full speed, aimed at my nuts. I woke up about an hour later to the worst pain I have ever felt and I have been dipping my nuts in jugs of hot water ever since.
**TL;DR: My fan froze my lubed up nuts**
kirkm0413: If you steep too much, your tea will taste too strong.
IrideTheDirt: bitter....
| 3 | 9 | |
1404362466 | 1404400075 | t3_29prfi | t5_2to41 | 18 | mida0: TIFU by not turning cellular data off on my phone
I've been reading this sub-reddit for a while now and whilst my fuck up does not include any sexual elements, accidentally assaulting people or bodily fluid malfunctions it's still a fuck up.
This actually happened over a month but I only got the phone bill today.
Like most people I use my phone a fair bit to check Facebook, Reddit, e-mails and various other apps that require the internet to function effectively. I'm on a phone plan which allows 200mb of data, I rarely download anything whilst not connected to wifi, the only data I use whilst not connected would be from browsing Reddit.
Unbeknownst to me was that my 'cellular data' was turned on and this meant that whatever data I had used at home/uni or wherever was not being restricted to wifi. Over the past month I had been regularly using the internet on my phone for World Cup streams, highlights and news, along with Facebook/reddit/youtube and downloading apps and my data usage was 2.3gb. This has resulted in a $600 phone bill (across the whole families phone plan). I think I accounted for about $400.
I know I'm a dumbass for doing this, so learn from my mistake Reddit!
TeachingRealism: Switch to T-Mobile
1212121256: Ya you don't get charged extra for going over your data limit. They just throttle your data speed.
TeachingRealism: Yea I know I work for them we have the $30 unlimited data option though
thebreakingmuse: i concur. feels great not having to worry about data :D (t-mobile)
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1404365277 | 1404421712 | t3_29pv2s | t5_2to41 | 139 | Carldon60: TIFU by getting high and opening a window.
So for the past week or so, a hornets nest has been growing on my bedroom window. It was in a spot where if you opened the window, the nest would be squished and hornets would fly out. Me, being sharp, noted that I probably shouldn't open the window until I get a chance to spray it with Raid. And considering that my room is on the second floor, I wasn't going to do it for a while.
So for the week I've been leaving the hive alone, albeit occasionally looking into it through the glass, until today.
It was 12:05, I was high, and had to pee. I rolled out of bed, took out my dick, and approached the window. My plan was to do what I always did, open up the window a little, stick out my dick, and watch my pee fall to the ground. So I opened up the window, grabbed my dick, and heard a sound that could instill terror in any man. The sound of wasps. I I felt them land on my dick. I threw myself back and slammed the window... but it was too late. Wasps had managed to sting my dick, balls, and FUPA thing.
It hurts. I'm sleeping in my basement and I'm afraid to go back into my room tomorrow.
EDIT: FUPA not Foopah
guave06: Pic or it didn't happen
wronglywired: your pervert! anyway OP, pic or didnt happen..
xStringTheory: You two are sick...
Waiting on that pic OP.
MooseWrangler: Jesus Christ you people are fucking immature... Well OP?
Orsenn: Somones molested by insects and you *fucks* want a picture of his swollen, bloody, throbbin, veiny di.. Pics OP. *FUCKING* PICS
wolfman86: Pic of nest will do for me....... :D
Carldon60: http://i.imgur.com/DQq3i0L.jpg
There are only 4 or 5 in there right now. They're like laying eggs or something. It used to be bigger, but I guess I made some fall off last night.
ThegreatPee: Hmm, that looks like a Botfly nest, OP. You might expect to have Botfly larvae growing out of your penis soon. Good luck.
Carldon60: Its not, shut up, die. Don't scare me like that.
| 10 | 13.9 | |
1404364703 | 1404370197 | t3_29pudf | t5_2to41 | 13 | Forehead58: TIFU by missing an exit on the freeway.
It was the last exit before the border to Canada. Yes, there are signs, flashing in fact, all over the place, saying "last exit before border crossing." I was joking to my wife and sister passengers about how there are too many signs, and it looks like it's pointing an exit too early.
So I missed it. There's nowhere to turn around, so 30 minutes of hot sun later, we're talking to the officer at the crossing. I explain that I missed the exit, and I don't want to go into Canada; I just want to turn around somewhere. The guy thinks my story is bogus and starts asking me about narcotics, accusing me of smoking and so on.
I had no intention of crossing the border, so naturally all we had were drivers licenses, so we had no kind of paper work. To make matters worse, my wife and sister are both medical marijuana patients. They each had vaporizer pens which use concentrates, which they are legally allowed to have, though not to bring into Canada. They both were arrested for a short time while the border folks checked out their paper work.
Eventually they let us go, with a hefty- well, reasonable for what it was- fine, though it was pretty expensive in terms of missing an exit on the freeway.
TL;DR: Accidentally went to Canada.
lairosen: Yeah they really should have an exit closer than 30 miles away from the border.
Forehead58: I meant waiting in line, the exit was much closer.
lairosen: That makes a bit more sense, how far away was the exit?
Forehead58: Only like a mile, maybe less. But there was nowhere to turn around afterward. There was something that looked like a turn off, but it was blocked up with orange barricades.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1404368960 | 1404372104 | t3_29pz3a | t5_2to41 | 21 | parham90: Tifu by self-defense
This happened about ten years ago, and after a month of reading Tifu, I suddenly remembered it last night and thought I'd post.
If you look at my profile, you will find that I'm blind. If you look in deeper, you will find that I live in Iran. If you go and Google, you will find that Iran has a looooong history, and if you have the experience of living in such countries, you'll know that there's a lot of *respect* everywhere. You should respect your parents (to the point that I personally can't tell them to knock it off about my SO, but that's another story), you should respect your teachers, you should respect your elders, you should respect your neighbors. In fact, if I were to sum it up in one sentence: you should respect everyone but yourself.
So, ten years ago, I was walking idly along my school. I was going to a school for the blind at the time, so everyone else was also blind. I distinctly remember that my mind was somewhere else. A soundtrack I was composing in real-time was playing inwardly, embellishing the scene of me finding the love of my life that I only seemed to dream about at night. She had long, straight hair that came down to her waist, with a small mole on the right side of her face, near her jawbone. Don't ask me about the color of her eyes or her hair; colors have no meaning for me and thus weren't in the dream.
I swear, if you could film my daydream, you'd find one of those cheesy, cliche Hollywood romances.
*Cue the mysterious music*
It was at this point that I came across another human being—no, not an incarnation of my dream love—barring my way. He reached out and held my hands, and no matter how I moved left and right in an effort to get passed him, he wouldn't let me go. I thought it was one of my classmates, kamal. The very first mistake.
“Kamal,” I said, “step aside.”
Of course, he didn't. He was stubbornly hanging on to my hands, and he was bigger. I'm skinny and don't have much in the way of muscles, so ramming him wasn't an option.
I focused my senses, trying to figure out where I was. The sound of running water was coming from both sides, and it made me realize that I was on one of the paths that went from one end of the school to another. These paths weren't really wide, and they were bordered on both sides by a lowered garden with trees and flowers. I remembered that the sound of running water was because of the gutters they had created in this garden to get the water evenly everywhere. I also remembered, from previous experiences, that these gutters would usually overflow, causing the turf to become something akin to mud.
**Awesome,** I thought. **I'd push him to the side, and the raised kerb would make him lose his balance.**
Second mistake.
*Cue the action music*
So I pushed. I pushed like hell was behind me and the only way to salvation was passed this hellish creature of doom. I twisted from waist-up, and flung him to the side. For the first time in my life, my calculations were exact. My foe flew through the air, with the sound of "Uh, no, don't, uh, oooaaaa!" Splash!
When I heard the voice of my foe, everything took a stunning, horrible clarity.
It wasn't my friend, Kamal.
It was my science teacher.
The next week was filled with "I'm sorry"s and "I'll be careful next time"s and "I'm sorry they had to miss a whole day of classes"s. I did have to bring my parents into the school, and I did have to leave a lot of fingerprints.
Between you and me, and since I know my science teacher wouldn't understand a word of English: somewhere in the pit of my stomach, at the moment when my teacher hit the muddy water, I felt a sense of elation. It is probably how those who rebel against something feel. :-)
TL;DR: Threw my science teacher into the mud.
suckstosuckdawg: Props to you for knowing self defense!
Also, your science teacher shouldn't have touched you, and should have spoken up if he didn't want to get hurt.
parham90: Thanks. Well, I don't know self defense; it was just a made-up move on the go. Lol.
| 3 | 7 | |
1404373532 | 1404461899 | t3_29q3dk | t5_2to41 | 9 | Snowbound622: TIFU by accidentally hitting "send"
Gf and I frequently joke about my stoicism and my rather dry sense of humor. She thinks I can't just make a stupid comment/joke on the spot. Anyway, a friend just introduced me to Doctor Who, which I now love, and I realized that's it would be taking up my free time. So I decide to send an uncharacteristically whiny text to the gf. (Think of Rarity) The message read "My life is over. I just started watching Doctor Who." I hit send after the first sentence without realizing it. As I'm frantically trying to finish the message, she (taking me completely seriously) calls worried that something has actually happened. So now I have a pissed off gf who has decided to punish me for making her worry. I must now go two weeks without any sex, play time, or any other fun.
Tl; dr: hit send mid-message, gf got pissed and is withholding sex.
Edit: turns out not a tifu after all. The witholding of sex was a cover for her to get out of the house and arrange a surprise anniversary celebration for us. My best friend who was watching doctor who with me was in on the whole thing.
abrosis: I don't understand. Your message reads fine to me....?
Bear_dont_care: He just said "My life is over"
abrosis: Yer, I just don't understand how that could be misconstrued in the way it was put.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1404367614 | 1404395985 | t3_29pxsl | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by installing an OS on my backup hard drive.
Tonight I went to install a different distribution of Linux on my laptop. My backup HDD was plugged in as I needed to transfer some files over when the install was finished. Well, instead of installing on the machine drive the OS wiped over my backup drive. It contained vhd backups of operating systems I use to develop and 5+ years of photos.
I'm usually incredibly ocd about file backup. 2+ years of tech support have taught me the importance of that. My important documents are all in Google drive, but this was my only copy of those photos for whatever reason. I'm running photorec now but the thought of losing my entire portfolio is devastating. That's what I get, I guess.
Puka1701: I've always been extra careful when formatting drives for OS installs, because I'm paranoid about stuff like this.
that_tech_guy: Things to not do when tired: install OS. Lesson learned, at least I didn't lose anything crucial. Thank you cloud backup
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1404377101 | 1404387358 | t3_29q6e5 | t5_2to41 | -11 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing a date on a road trip and getting rejected (very sad)
So today I basically Completely fucked up by deciding to go on a road trip over 8h away from home with a date.
To make a long story short, She is currently in the bedroom with my friend while I'm sleeping on a fucking couch. I wish I had my car so I could get the fuck out of here right this second. Unfortunately we took her car so I am stuck with her until tomorrow.
Most Girls these days are fucking discusting and have no manner. I mean at least have some respect... I am so sad right now :( I haven't felt like this in ages. I want to cry my balls out. Just writing this is giving me shivers
TLDR :spent 1000$ on a date and ended up sleeping on a couch while she sleeps with someone else.
>Goodnight reddit and fuck my life. Never again
Pikacunt: When you calm down take a look at the sub reddit /r/TheRedPill. It'll probably do you some good.
fraxium: That is a horrible idea and some terrible advice.
Pikacunt: Welcome to the Internet bitch.
| 4 | -2.75 | |
1404374723 | 1404579731 | t3_29q4g6 | t5_2to41 | 350 | theking_yemma: TIFU by accidentally flashing on the bus (NSFW)
After my maths class I decided to play basketball in the outdoor court because one of my friends brought a ball in with him (I hadn't planned to play basketball so I just played in the clothes I was in), and when I went for a layup, my jeans ripped (I mean RIPPED, the tear was nearly to my knee on one side). I decided to go home and change before my English lesson and took the bus home (The space between the seats on the buses in my city are too small for my liking, I can't sit completely straight). When I got on, the bus was pretty empty, and I got on and sat on the right hand side with my right leg wedged in between the seat in front (knee raised so it was about chin height) and had my other leg sprawled across the seat next to me. I put in my headphones and started listening to music. About halfway through my journey a woman sat on the seats parallel to mine but I didn't pay her much attention as I was on my phone. When I looked up to see where the bus was, I noticed the woman giving me funny looks and when I went back to my phone I could see her giving me the same looks out of the corner of my eye. Eventually she got off the bus, with me getting off a couple of stops later. When I got off I felt a breeze between my legs. It was then I realised what I'd done, the way I had been sitting meant the woman could see right into the crotch tear in my jeans. To make matters worse, my dick had wriggled free from my boxers, meaning this woman had an excellent view of Chocolate Thunder for her entire journey.
Note: I know this has a hint of r/bigdickproblems, but it I think it belongs here.
tl;dr I split my jeans with a layup, went home to change and flashed my crotch tear to a woman on the bus, to make matters worse, my cock had come out of my boxers.
Rudoolph: If you ripped your jeans why would you sit like that?
tobobo36: sounds like op has tall man on bus syndrome. makes it nearly impossible to fit legs in leg space and when you do you've pretzeled so hard you're not even sure you can unpretzel again.
source- 6 foot 3 who apparently lives in a city made for midgets.
AsshatVik: I'm not even tall tbh, a mere 5'11" and i get trouble with leg space in buses and planes.
I don't even want to imagine someone over 6'6" must feel.
[deleted]: Someone who's 6'6" here, I don't even bother sitting. Fucking bullshit tiny seats
AsshatVik: They seem to be made for people that are on average 5' tall and weight less than 120lb.
I stopped bothering looking for seats if my ride takes less than 10 minutes, not gonna squeeze my 240lb ass between those armrest that inevitably leave a mark on me.
| 6 | 58.333333 | |
1404376256 | 1404440668 | t3_29q5rl | t5_2to41 | 27 | RainbowGoddamnDash: TIFU by wearing noise canceling headphones
This has literally happened about 10 minutes ago.
I was looking forward to finishing off my night with a proper good bye from lady Palm Le-la and her friends, the devious digits. So off I went to the depths of reddit and found an interesting couple of videos by the way of /r/suctiondildos
During my searching, I figured it would be a good idea to plug in my headphones into the front panel's input jack... I've done it before, so what's the harm. Every second of those videos were pure bliss... the sounds, the moaning, the earthshaking bass of dat ass thumping.
After the good deed was done, and I've said my proper good byes to the sites and Miss Palm Le-la and co., I logged on to facebook and saw this interesting video. Decided to turn up the sound and listen. I've watched the video several times since it was quite amusing. The video was about this little kid slapping the hell out of his mom on Dr. Phil. (If you haven't seen it... [Then here you go.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9BEsJPGTYI))
Suddenly, out of no where, an itch decides it's a good time to attack my earlobe. Now, my headphones are the over the ear type, meaning more pure sound of dat ass constantly hitting the table on my lovely 23 inch IPS monitor shows me the curvature of this delightful young vixen who is puttiing on this wonderful show for me.
I pause the video quickly, just to keep up.. and in my confusion, I start it back up while I have my headphones off. At that very second, sound is coming out... but it's too loud for my headphones... something's not right. I pause and unpause the video again.. In my horror, I realized what was going on. My computer activated my headphones, and the input jack in the back of the case... which sent signal to my 5.1 surround sound. The volume on it was quite loud to begin with, and combined with the subwoofer, it would make quite a thunderous clap of them cheeks to a beat you'll feel in your very bones. I haven't noticed it because of the motions and the haptic feedback of the lovely encounter I had.
To make it worse, I have family visiting. Grandparents, uncle and cousins... These walls are paper thin, so I'm quite certain that they've over heard my whaling of forbidden self love.
TL;DR: All my family members heard the porn I was watching, on full blast.
CptnFunbags: You all are idiots. I am taking /tifu off my main page, as it only contains stories of masturbating when people are around and getting caught. Play a video game and go to bed, then do that sh*t when you are alone.
[deleted]: We may be idiots, but at least we have our intelligence
noahthesultan: This guy. This guy gets it.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1404383406 | 1404609300 | t3_29qbcw | t5_2to41 | 1,771 | thecosmicgoose: TIFU: by over filling a tire.
technically this happened over the weekend, but i think it still qualifies.
i was on my way to a doctors appointment when i noticed my left front tire was acting a bit weird. i pull into a service station and go about checking it, to find it a bit low on air. while i was filling it up, i hear this groaning-creaking sound and right as i look over to see whats going on, the damn tire explodes in my face. point blank, maybe 6 inches away. of course im blinded, and in a great deal of pain. i manage to hobble into the service station building where the attendant calls an ambulance for me. they rush me to the ER and i go in for surgery for something called "crushed globe."...which is exactly what it sounds like. they patch me up and send me home with pain killers and a truckload of eyedropes to help speed the healing process.
now, a few days on, i think the prognosis is good. my left eye i can see out of at about 70% of normal. however my right eye isnt as good. it was more severely damage and as of now i can only make out light and dark blurrs. the docs say it needs to heal more on its own before they can evaluate it and tell if more surgery is required.
moral of this story: if your filling up a tire and hear a creaking/groaning sound, you swan dive away from that fucker as fast as you can. i got extremely lucky i wast permanently blinded, or even killed.
edit: a few points of clarification.
i was quite stupid enough to just sit there with my thumb up my ass until it exploded. i did check the pressure gauge and thought everything was simpatico. that's what makes this kinda shocking. the tire gave no indication it was going to fail.
secondly, im able to type this because my left eye was less damaged, and i can see well enough with it to brows reddit. its very light sensitive though. so i have to ware the darkest pare of sunglasses i could find to look at the screen.
Brenvol: I'm curious as to how full you have to fill a tire for it to explode.
thethrowawaylife: Since he mentioned that he was driving, more than likely he filled a tire that was already hot. It was probably only a bit low, but adding air to a hot tire causes the air you add to expand, greatly increasing the pressure and causing this.
mmiller1188: Driving on a low tire heats it up a lot and causes the sidewall / edge of the tread area to disintegrate (the rubber scrubs itself away).
Most people dont carry a gauge and will severely over inflate.
Severely overinflating an overheated tire can't end well.
zomgwtfbbq: I've never used a fill hose that didn't have a gauge built-in. You release the lever and it shows you the pressure. You just do a little at a time. Are there really places where you have to carry your own gauge to use while filling?
CocodaMonkey: Yes, lots of places don't have gauges built in. In fact I don't think any in my area do. Carrying a pressure gauge in the glove box is very common. Although usually you can ask a teller at a gas station and they'll lend you one.
animalinapark: Well, that's just unnecessarily complicated. The air filler thing should of course have a pressure sensor. Never seen one without and every gas station around here has a filling station.
foggyforests: >Well, that's just unnecessarily complicated. The air filler thing should of course have a pressure sensor. Never seen one without and every gas station around here has a filling station.
It's been awhile since I've seen such a spoiled post... fuck... it's soooo complicated to keep a pressure gauge in your glovebox. It's soooo overly complicated to plug it into the tire stem and check the pressure. I might honestly die next time I have to do this.
You should always have a tire pressure gauge regardless. And other basic tools as well. Stop being afraid of the car.
animalinapark: What in the, spoiled post? Because I don't understand the need to separate the pressure sensor and the air hose?
Sure, it's not a big deal. What I'm saying is it's unnecessary to first check the pressure with your gauge, then you fill up some, remove the filler, check the pressure again, fill up some more, check again, still gotta fill a bit more, check again etc.
Instead you could hook up the air hose, see that your tire is at whatever pressure, press the handle to fill some air and watch the pressure go up, stop filling when it's at the pressure you want and then remove the air hose. Done.
I have all kinds of tools with me on the car, but an air compressor is not one of them so I don't really see the need to have a pressure gauge as I wouldn't be able to fill it even if I checked to see if it's too low. Granted, checking to see if I need to fill the tires up is good now and then but I already do it twice a year when I change winter tyres to summer ones and vice versa.
If I want to see my tire pressures more than every 4-6months I do when I stop for gas, with the ability to actually fill up also if I need to.
foggyforests: I'm saying its spoiled because you expect every bum fuck gas station in the world to provide an air pressure gauge alongside the air hose. Because it's really not as hard as you're making it sound to check the pressure.
A pressure gauge isn't some huge tool to carry around, and its not expensive either. You would get laughed out of the gas station if you asked "why isnt there a pressure gauge on the filler thingy? Where is it? You mean I gotta manually check it? Aw, man.. will you do it for me?"
And honestly I would never trust one attached to the air hose. No thanks.
animalinapark: No, not every bum fuck station in every 3rd world country. Just the regular ones where you can expect to get gas and some snacks if you need to and dont have to manually crank the gas pump.
It's not particularily difficult or high-tech to integrate the pressure sensor to the hose. If you don't trust those why would you trust your 1 dollar china-made gauge from walmart?
It's not a big deal as I said. Just unnecessary. I understand your point, you have to do it because your air filling stations don't have a pressure sensor and you'd have to guess. Understand mine: I've never seen a filler hose without a pressure sensor and really don't get the need to separate the two.
foggyforests: "Every 3rd world country..." Oh, golly...
I trust a manual gauge over an electronic one any day. Electronics and technology fail, so do mechanical tools but much rarely just so long as you're not the guy that buys those cheap Chinese tools you even mention yourself.
I don't need the gas station to provide me with tools I already have. I see the use for people who aren't equipped but I'd rather live and learn.
animalinapark: I didn't say anything about electronic gauges. Whatever, use your standalone gauges if you need, I don't have to.
foggyforests: Have fun when you move somewhere other than your high class neighborhood. Apparently anywhere that doesn't have one is third world.
animalinapark: I hardly live in a high-class area. Just in a country that somehow has standardized the means how people with cars can inflate their tyres and check the pressues. At gas stations.
One doesn't have to be in a third world country, just someplace where they saw fit to separate the gauge and filler. Oh well, I just don't get that.
| 15 | 118.066667 | |
1404384262 | 1404457043 | t3_29qc28 | t5_2to41 | 1,438 | Airman822: TIFU by participating in the "Cold Water Challenge"
Today I was nominated to do the cold water challenge. If you don't know what this is, it's this tread going around Facebook and what not. Basically what happens is once you get nominated by a friend or family member (who we're nominated by someone else), you have twenty-four hours to submit a video of you jumping into or dunking some form of cold water on yourself. If you fail to post a video, you must donate $100 to a charity of the nominators choosing. Anyway, I was nominated today, so after work I filmed my video and went to upload it on Facebook. Only, I didn't upload that video, I uploaded a video of myself masturbating for my girlfriend.
HedgehogBlowjob: Honestly, if someone pulled that crap on me, I'd just unfriend them for being an idiot and move on with my life.
dirtyqtip: upvote for being something other than a retard
fauxphantom: downvote for usage of "retard"
dirtyqtip: ["downsvote"](http://i.imgur.com/cR9wUsn.jpg)
dirtyqtip: I actually made this for reddit, put it in /r/lol when it clearly should have been posted in /r/imgoingtohellforthis, which I think I'll do right now..
Cougs67: Don't post it there, unless you want to be banned. The "lol potatoes" kind of jokes are overused there
CanuckDerek: It has over 600 points right now.
Cougs67: God damnit. Fucking summer reddit. That sub always goes to complete shit during the summer
ElBenito: Yup. Damn teenagers, only being able to reddit during the summer.
Cougs67: Well, during the summer they show up in much larger numbers. Theres a reason you see an increase in stupid shit
| 11 | 130.727273 | |
1404383096 | 1404408000 | t3_29qb3s | t5_2to41 | 63 | Firebolt1914: TIFU by not bringing a tarp to a week-long campout
I'll make this one short and simple (I'm typing from my phone.
I'm currently inside of a "permanent" tent, and the roof is usually fairly waterproof. However, today, heavy rains went through and dripped down onto my cot, getting my sleeping bag, mattress, and clothes all wet. I now have no chance of drying off anything, because for the rest of the week it will rain. A lot.
Classic_Griswald: Ah yes, "camping", with the internet. Thank god you have somewhere to vent tho, amirite?
[deleted]: You usually go camping without your cell phone?
Classic_Griswald: I have never gone camping with a cell phone. Although I started camping before there were cell phones.
Unless by camping you mean a bunch of friends bringing up food and booze into the woods, I just think of that as bush party. Or cottaging if you have a cottage.
donkylips9: Good for you gramps, but the rest of us not living in the stone age will bring a cell phone camping for at least emergency situations.
xaronax: It's not fucking camping if you're close enough to a cell tower to get reception.
Get the fuck off my lawn.
solicitorpenguin: It's not camping unless there is real danger of being eaten by a bear
| 7 | 9 | |
1404396029 | 1404431278 | t3_29qocx | t5_2to41 | 1,392 | tifu_for_real: TIFU by masturbating with my mother-in-law underwear over my face
Apologies for not creating an explicit topic, I just not sure how can I even summarize it for the topic.
My wife and I are married for five years. We have good relationships, all casual and stuff. I'm a fairly sexual person, so she know I'm a bit kinky and can get out of line at some points, yet she didn't expect this.
This week we are hosting her mother, which came to town. She sleeps at the guest room, which is a door next to our bedroom. Now let me describe her mother to you: late 40s or early 50s, blonde with a beautiful face and very well kept body. Maybe I'm a bit biased, but for me she is the perfect MILF. Yea, like you figured it out, one of my kinks is MILFs and I cannot be more attracted to her mother.
Anyway, today's morning they went together to shopping in town and left me home alone. Obviously, masturbation time. But this time, let's try to be creative. Let's be original. How can I spice up my masturbation time? I think for a bit and realizing I got heavily turned on by the idea of smelling my wife's mom dirty underwear. God that a glorious idea!
One thing lead to another, and here I am picking up in my mother-in-law suitcase, trying to find a dirty underwear I can use. Apparently she kept the dirty laundry well inside her suitcase, so I had to put many things out on the carpet, in order, so I could put it in perfectly once I'm done. But then I find it, find the treasure I was looking for.
1 minute later I'm in the living room (my preferred fapping zone), lubricated, with my wife mom's red sexy smelly underwear over my face, turned on like... wow.
In what seemed to be a perfect timing, just when I'm about to 'launch my rockets', I hear the quick click of the door lock, flat's door open, with my wife, her best friend and her mom stepping in armed with their shopping begs. It took few more seconds for them to realize I'm there, naked and trying to cover myself with my mother-in-law red underwear while dripping on the floor. I literally got the orgasm the second they entered the flat.
It was _the_ most embarrassing moment in the _history_ of the human kind. For everyone, and especially for me.
Wife's mom is moving to hotel to let me and my wife "sort out things". My wife is mad and confused. I cannot stop lol'ing in my head like it wasn't me, out of sheer deep embarrassment. Jee.
So, TIFU deeply by masturbating with my mother-in-law underwear over my face.
Edit: to all you guys who are asking, it's a known fact that I'm retarded and tactless but kinda funny irl (just irl, i suck at storytelling though, sorry!), my wife also know that I'm kinky as hell and horny as fuck, so while it's a huge shock, it has humorous edges that all parties can appreciate. I think it's going to be fine after all, an eternal joke and embarrassment at dinners, but a flattered mother-in-law, a wife that thinks "oh well, I married this stupid fuck by choice" and a friend that no one cares about. At least life are not boring. I think I'm going to survive this one.
Edit 2: leave my english alone. I'm not redneck, I just don't speak english very well and am not the smartest man ever like you could figure. merci beaucoup!
RAINBOW_BUTT: Why the fuck were you jacking it in the living room? Of all your decisions you made, this was your greatest fuckup. Thank you for making me laugh.
tifu_for_real: Because I'm stupid. Why didn't I double lock the door? why did I leave all the stuff OUT of my mother-in-law suitcase? because I was too horny to think man. I went full horny-tarded.
In addition, I usually fap on the sofa, it's so comfy with my laptop.
edit: please see edits in OP for more info
FuckinUpMyZoom: dude. whats wrong with you?
why are you wearing your mother in laws panties on your face?
you're fucking married, well atleast you were.
tifu_for_real: I still am and will be mate. everything is wrong with me btw, but that's fine i guess.
FuckinUpMyZoom: you shouldn't be, thats for damn sure.
I feel sorry for your wife.
tifu_for_real: whatever bro.
wonkizzle: You deserve more upvotes for quickest troll shutdown in history. You should get a trophy.
throwawayvet2014: I upvote your call for more upvotes.
wonkizzle: I upvote your support for more upvotes. Upvotes for everyone!
| 10 | 139.2 | |
1404396462 | 1404397444 | t3_29qozi | t5_2to41 | 20 | QwerkyBurkey: TIFU by making my little brother have an asthma attack
This started technically today as it was 12:01 AM when this started
I was getting ready for bed to wake up to my birthday and before bed I had a thought "lets put some deodorant on so I'm not as sweaty when I wake up", a fool proof idea I thought of but alas I sprayed too much so when I opened my door to go to the bathroom the deadly deodorant raced itself to my little brothers room and caused his breathing to go all, deadly.
The next 10 mins were my parents panicking and wondering whether to call an ambulance or drive him themselves, they eventually decided to drive him up leaving me alone with my dog and my other little brother having a mild freak out that I just caused all of that.
I was then up till 2 in the morning waiting till they got home to make sure he was alright, which he was so all is good for now, but I still feel terrible.
shi-no-monogatari: that's shit. And it's your birthday. Happy birthday.
QwerkyBurkey: Thank you :)
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1404385116 | 1404406427 | t3_29qcs0 | t5_2to41 | 78 | Rtwose: TIFU by trying to wind a colleague up and not paying enough attention
This took place a few years ago. Names have been replaced.
I used to work as part of a unit that had 4 teams of 3 people, working 24x7 shifts on rotation monitoring the critical systems for a large mobile phone company.
One year, the guy in charge of one of the teams, lets call him John, got a poor yearly review, but decided that it was actually the fault of the other guys on his shift so had a go at them. Given that John was mostly a lazy ass, the guys around the watercooler thought it was a bit off passing the buck like that, given that it was the other guys on his shift holding things together whilst John just did whatever he wanted.
Deciding to take matters into my own hands, I figured that a little humility was in order, and decided to wind John up a little. I decided to send a mail to one of his colleagues, crafted to look like it came from way further up in the company, thanking him for his stunning service and notifying him of a big bonus. This colleague would then leave the mail open on screen and wander off to get a coffee, allowing John to read the mail and stew over it.
The process was simple enough, as I had access to the mail server and it was simple enough to craft a mail superficially claiming to be from a director. I put the mail together, pushed it to the mail server and got on with my day, expecting to hear back the next day on how it went.
An hour or so later, I am dragged out of a meeting by my boss, asking if I know anything about this. Given they are asking me directly, I figure there is little point trying to deny it, so say yes, why, is there a problem?
Yeah, there is a problem. When penning the mail, I fucked up pretty hard. The guy I was sending the mail to was 'James Smith', and the director I was claiming to send from was 'James Tucker'. Unfortunately, I had autopiloted through creating the mail, and had actually sent it straight to the director, claiming to be the self same director. This obviously set off alarm bells, and security had decided the whole mail system had been breached. They had checked the logs and it was pretty easy to work out where it had come from.
The next couple of weeks were...interesting. The director wanted me fired on the spot, but my boss had a chat with me, understanding that it was a practical joke gone wrong, and I hadn't actually gotten in to the directors mail. We went through a formal disciplinery hearing, where he argued my case with the director, and things eventually settled down again, with me the proud recipient of a first and final written warning.
TL;DR: tried to wind up colleague with a fake email, sent fake email to the director it claimed to come from. Received a first(and final) written warning and gave everyone else bit of a laugh at my expense
tetrahydrocanada: Boss saved your ass.
Rtwose: In all honesty, my boss put his own reputation on the line to vouch for me, and I am immensely grateful.
i_go_to_uri: I've had a boss do that for me twice. Then he gave me a stunning referral for a new job after college; and got me that one. I owe a lot to that guy.
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1404396916 | 1404415333 | t3_29qpm1 | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU By Puking on my one night stand.
So this happened a couple of weeks ago.
I met this guy on a dating site and we decide to hook up. We drove around town talking and decide to head back to my place.
So we get to my place and start getting down to busissnes. I start going down on him and all of a sudden, with no control over it, I barf all over this guys junk.
Now it wasn't just a little. No. Chuncks and everything. And to make it worse I had Chicken pasta and a red powerade for dinner, so its red and milky and awful. I was so embarrased and he was horrified. I had to drive him home. 20 minute drive of awkward silence. Most horrible experience of my life.
JiMM4133: I seriously don't know why guys freak out about this. I mean maybe I'm different, but if my GF threw up on me, I wouldn't get all freaked out. Just clean up any that got onto the bed and then move to the shower. I really never understood the mentality "Well, she puked on me while shoving my dick down her throat. I'm done, time to leave." You have nothing to be embarrassed about Beaniebaby29. It just means you were performing with enthusiasm, which is always a good thing.
Beaniebaby29: Haha thank you, its taken a bit for me to start laughing it off as an accident and not letting it bother moi.
Username__Irrelevant: Why random french?
Beaniebaby29: Cause I felt like it?
Username__Irrelevant: touché.
| 6 | 7.5 | |
1404397939 | 1404403931 | t3_29qr78 | t5_2to41 | 5 | luknash: TIFU by talking to a friend
This happened just 10 minutes ago.
I was just out getting groceries and had to get quite a lot because i'm home alone all weekend. I live 100 meters from this shop so i decided to not get a bag, because it's not really needed.
Then i met one of my good friends just outside of the shop, this friend of mine and me are notorious for talking for way too long a time. We decide in ten seconds that we should spend tomorrow together and play some games together and such. Then we speak of what games we might play and what we might do tomorrow. We end up speaking about the games and everything for over half an hour and i suddenly feel my arms going numb. I say that I have to go, but he says the dreaded "by the way..." which we always say just when we are about to leave, because we always have something more to say. So I end up staying a bit more, still with all the groceries in hand. I finally get my act together and says goodbye. When I get home with the groceries I feel my arms going almost from eachother, tearing apart my biceps and my bone in the left arm (it was recently broken).
So now my arms are complete done and I can't move them at more than a 90 degree angle without my arms hurting a hell of a lot and i have to make food in half an hour.
**TL:DR**: TIFU by talking of tomorrow
DaddyLH: [huh?](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/what1.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/WelcomeUncomfortableAnole](http://gfycat.com/WelcomeUncomfortableAnole)
---
^(GIF size: 7.86 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:207.08 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404401728 | 1404416750 | t3_29qxba | t5_2to41 | 119 | [deleted]: TIFU by not killing a squirrel
As I was driving on my way to work today, I saw a sad looking dead squirrel just on the far side of the double yellow lines. He had obviously been run over recently, but his body was all twisted and knotted.
As I was driving by, he suddenly started quickly crawling towards me using one, single, arm. It was like a nightmare. Who knew that a single legged, half-dead squirrel could move so fast? I swerved to miss him, but then I instantly regretted my choice. Just as I took one last look in my rear view mirror to wish him the best, a crow landed a few feet away from his still crawling corpse.
TL:DR : A squirrel tried to commit suicide by crawling under my tires.
kitty-committee: As the token obnoxious vegan, I'm glad nature took control rather than your tires. That being said, I respect you for not wanting him to suffer. Good for you for caring!
kitty-committee: Whoops. Guess I forgot the internet is where you can't express your own views, my bad! Let's let's ignore the fact that I praised OP for caring. Let's down vote me because I'd rather see one animal get dinner like nature intended rather than adding to the seemingly infinite amount of animals killed by cars. Suffering is everywhere and will never end, at least the crow got dinner.
revfelix: So it's OK for the crow to eat meat but not for us humans?
kitty-committee: IMO, yes. Absolutely. The crow can't get all it's nutrients from plants like we can. We have supplements, vitamins, etc that allow us to have healthy diets without having to kill any animal.
revfelix: So we should, in your opinion, instead of eating actual food, just take a bunch of pills to survive.
kitty-committee: Pills, tofu, veggies, fruit, greens, nuts, etc. Cruelty free.
revfelix: Aside from denying the human animal the food we are literally built to consume, there are some logistical problems to consider.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that Humanity suddenly decides you're right. We should never eat, kill, or use any animal in any way, and survive only on plants and shit. Suddenly, the animal population will spike, demanding more plants for them to eat, more dangerous predators attacking and killing humans. Also the human population now needs a metric fuck ton more plants to live as we've sworn off meat. Massive deforestation occurs, destroying the habitats of the animals you love so much, and shortly everyone, people and squirrels alike, run out of food. The world becomes a post-apocalyptic vegan wasteland where predators run wild and starving, eating anything with a pulse, people will stab you for a stalk of celery, and everyone suffers from hypoxia because there's no more forests to produce oxygen. Eventually the plants die off completely, the herbivores (including Humanity now) go extinct from starvation, and the carnivores eat each other to death. The earth becomes a lifeless husk.
And *that's* why I'm not a vegan.
kitty-committee: Yup, so likely. My b.
| 9 | 13.222222 | |
1404402397 | 1404416617 | t3_29qycl | t5_2to41 | 56 | seraph77: TIFU by not cleaning up water on the floor
About a month or so ago, on a Thursday, I had the absolute perfect day to look forward to on Friday.
1. The building we work at was throwing a "Customer Appreciation Day" where they hire this awesome local catering company (whose food I love) and do door prizes, etc for their tenants. Kind of a lame thing to look forward to, but hey- free food is always nice, but free really good food is awesome.
2. Nothing was official at this point, but it was heavily rumored that Friday was going to be the day they announced that I got the promotion I had been bucking for at work.
3. I had gone on a couple dates with this awesome girl I met. 7/10 maybe (a nice catch for me), but after factoring in personality and intelligence, she was a 9/10 in my book. Anyway, she wants to go out Friday night for drinks, then come back to my place to watch movies and "see what happens". Dropping all kinds of not-so-subtle hints that she wants the D.
Holy shit. The gods have smiled upon me. Then I realized it was the kind of smile you have giving your friend one of those fake scratch-off ticket winners...
Later that night, my stomach starts rumbling something fierce. A couple rounds of diarrhea and I go to bed, whatever. I woke up twice for an emergency run to the bathroom during the night, and now it's coming out both ends. By morning I'm miserable, and it's every 20 minutes or so. Pepto is no help, and I reluctantly decide that I can't go in today. This is met with quite a few "are you sure?" IMs as everyone knew what was probably coming that day.
Ok, so bit of preface here: my refrigerator leaks on occasion. It seems to be some magical temperature/humidity level that sets it off, as it's not all the time. Maybe 10-15 times a year; not enough to worry about, I just grab a towel and wipe it up a few times during the day.
So anyway, I'm on the couch, miserable both mentally and physically, and I hear the telltale signs that the fridge is telling me it's one of those days. I'm so down, the least thing I give a shit about is water on the floor though, so I ignore it.
It's about midday, and I had slept for a few hours without incident. I decided I needed to get something in my stomach. I made some soup, got it down, and was starting to think I might be able to salvage this day with my date tonight. Loki looked down and laughed.
About 10 minutes later, I get this huge bluuuurrrpp and do a clenched-buttocks run for the bathroom. My path from the couch to the bathroom takes me through the kitchen, and guess what was on the floor that my dumbass decided not to worry about. Yep.. I hit the wet linoleum at an awkward run, and fwoop.. smash. Guess what happens when you're on the verge of shitting your pants and are subject to a big impact. Yep. Nice warm load in the back of my pants.
So I'm laying there in this puddle of water, reminiscing on what today should have been like. Instead, I'm wet, sick, and have a load of shit in the back of my pants. I must have laid there in mental and physical pain for 5 minutes. I finally got up, and realized I did a pretty good number on my hip and my shoulder, and I'm walking with a slight limp, and it hurts to move my right arm.
After about an hour, I decide I'm not much better and today is a wash. I call [girl] to reschedule, which she is disappointed by, because apparently this is her last night in town for a month. really world?? what did I do in my past life?
Anyway, as bad as that day was, there is still a bright side. Got the promo, [girl] is back this weekend and wants to hang out, but didn't get any epic pulled pork. I guess things could be worse :)
mamajamerson: Also on the bright side: You're quite a good storyteller.
And, by way of hindsight, a rug in front of the frig might be wise.
seraph77: Thanks! I had thought about something like that, but figured that would just lead to a soggy mold/mildew filled rug. It's better just to wipe it up I think.
Username__Irrelevant: It's probably best to get a new fridge.
| 4 | 14 | |
1404403431 | 1404435894 | t3_29r036 | t5_2to41 | 52 | ilostmyphoneonce: TIFU by Sending My Manager a Sexy Snapchat
I did my best to poison my liver last night and I made a few dumb choices. Or rather, one choice that was sent to many people. I recently ended a dating relationship because he moved to Canada for work. My friend took me out to get my mind off of it and we did what young women love to do: beg for attention by tongue tango. It worked beautifully. In the bar, in the parking lot, we locked lips and she bit my lip while my hand tightened around her hair. It would have been selfish to keep that hot moment a secret with the bar patrons. So I took a Snapchat and my fuck up was born. I sent it to my ex, the guy in Canada, a couple guy friends, and, with deep regret, my manager. I immediately sent a message saying it was not meant for him but it was just too late. He had seen it.
So today I get to avert my eyes all day and come up with excuses to leave any room we both occupy.
TL;DR I sent a steamy woman on woman Snapchat to my boss.
Another_Fevered_Ego: Send me a sexy photo. I'll tell you how I bust a nut in your name.
PoliteHoodlum: This isn't r/gonewild and your comment was not charming or attractive.
Another_Fevered_Ego: That means, my job here is done.
| 4 | 13 | |
1404405196 | 1404616170 | t3_29r2xf | t5_2to41 | 12 | AccidentalRebel72: TIFU by fighting too well.
Last night at a Martial arts class. Practicing our grappling, me and another guy squared off. I managed to get in close enough to hip throw him, he landed on his back with me on top of him. We scrambled and I ended up taking his back. I got my legs hooked around his and snuck in a rear-naked choke. He somehow managed to stand up with me still on his back.
Then he blacked out with 155 lbs of me on his back. He fell and I landed awkwardly on my neck. Now it hurts, I'm icing it, and I'm probably gonna have to miss a few classes now...
TL;DR: I choked out my partner in martial arts grappling while he was standing. He fell, I landed on my neck, and I'm contemplating going to the hospital
TittySprinkle101: BJJ?
AccidentalRebel72: Taekwondo mostly, but sometimes, when we don't work on striking, we practice grappling from wrestling, Judo, JJ, and BJJ
TittySprinkle101: Your ground game must be deadly! I only know a couple submissions,wrestling takedowns and judo throws ._.
AccidentalRebel72: The hip throw, guillotine choke, and rear-naked choke are my most used weapons. Little tip: when someone goes for the double leg takedown on you, sprawl and try to hook in the guillotine choke. Get that muscle memory in and no one will ever try the double leg on you again lol
TittySprinkle101: Thanks! I usually go for the rear-naked your way sounds better now when I sprawl I don't have to go to back mount! My favorite submission is the irregular triangle choke !
AccidentalRebel72: I love triangles. I'm pretty good at fighting from my back, and if I see them slip up slightly from guard, I sink in the triangle or armbar pretty quickly
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1404405543 | 1404522824 | t3_29r3hj | t5_2to41 | 153 | puke_away: [TIFU] by puking on my one night stand.
So this started the way these stories usually do, by being horny. Recently I have been chatting with this cutie on tinder, and last night I invited her out to get some drinks.
We get to the bar and place our orders for some sushi and drinks. And she is even better than her profile would suggest, she is sweet and friendly, total girl next door. In an unusual break of my luck we actually hit it off.
However a couple hours later, after we eat and have been drinking for a while, I start to get a vicious migraine. Since I don't want to spoil the mood I let her know that I have had a wonderful time and I would like to see her again. After walking her to her car I call a cab to take me home.
After climbing in she starts texting me, and we continue to flirt as I head home. By the time I get home I am feeling pretty bad so I decide to climb into bed and call it a night, but I am still texting back and forth with the girl. Now the way my room is laid out is I have my bed up against two walls and an end table on the other side of the bed. Keep this in mind because it will be important later.
As I am getting ready for bed the girl sends me a text asking if she should come over, I am still not feeling well but this opportunity seems too good to pass up. However as I start typing a reply I feel it. The unholy rumblings of a demon in my intestines.
Now I have gotten bad sushi before, the usual result is a head ache, stomach ache, and a nasty shit in the morning. But this was no ordinary spoiled fish, this was the monstrous spawn of kraken demanding release. Before I can hit send, or make it to the bathroom or anything I lean over the side of my bed and barf, all over my end table.
Four hours of cleanup in the wee hours of the morning. And that, is how I barfed on my one night stand.
kid-karma: u think ur funny or sumthin?
puckpuckpuck: u havin a laff m8?
| 3 | 51 | |
1404407392 | 1404439088 | t3_29r6h5 | t5_2to41 | 26 | sunosun: TIFU by playing Pandora
Finally we had courage to take a vacation with my 18 month old. It was not easy for a immigrant family with most of the close family outside our residence country. He is the most beautiful thing in our life until he cries out loud and don't sleep. The first day went fine but last night he refused to sleep for most night. He was feeling sleepy but crying out loud, asking for each and everything that we didn't have; that blue truck, the broken duckling and that rubber starfish he stole from the swimming class. An idea sparked in my mind; while keep driving with one hand, I searched for 'lullaby' station on my Pandora app. It started that soft piano music and there was an instant reaction, he stopped crying. The music was very slow and mild so, I had to bump up the volume. I could notice from my rear-view mirror his eyelids becoming heavier. I chuckled to my wife with a sense of proud and she responded with a smile and sigh of relief. My son started transition towards that sweet thing that is sleeping from that mind driller crying machine. I just exclaimed with fear as he dosed, couldn't hold his head on the neck and woke himself up but good god it only lasted for a second. He was still opening his eyes every few seconds,may be couple of more songs to go. Everything was going great , even my wife had closed her eyes and suddenly the next song started with a big bang music. We were shocked for a second or two, but realized what it was as the song progressed that it wasn't a song. " Try all new Quesarito at Taco Bell ...ting " ; my son exclaimed ; 'Papa , taco bell ...aaaaawwwnnnn :(( (crying out loud, wide awake )'.
Fuck you Pandora ( or similar ones) , seriously FUCK YOU !! Please only play ads with lullaby music on lullaby station ...
[deleted]: Why not upgrade and get rid of the ads?
Marc3812: Why not send Pamdora a message with a dickbutt, and move on to another music service?
ghmmr: Why not send the NSA a message with dickbutt and move on to another privacy intrusion service?
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1404409095 | 1404414846 | t3_29r9ba | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by feeling confident in front of my wife
DramDemon: Tl;Dr: Don't try to fart. Just let it come.
call_me_fabio: sounds like a new fetish
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404407101 | 1404473620 | t3_29r61d | t5_2to41 | 16 | whynotpersephone: TIFU by getting Benadryl-high and spilling coffee all over myself.
I have developed seasonal allergies. I never take Benadryl, but my skin and throat were itchy, so I went to the pharmacy and bought some.
I am slight of frame and about 30 minutes after taking it, was feeling pretty sleepy. Head to coffee machine in kitchen to pour myself a cup. Went to drink cup, missed my mouth entirely. Goodbye white tee and shorts.
Still high.
FelixVulgaris: >Benadryl-high
Considering that this is basically extreme drowsiness, wouldn't it be low instead of high?
TWITCHAY: Not if you take enough.
P.S don't do it
FelixVulgaris: Never actually thought of doing this...
SHIT_BURGERS: Seriously, listen to that guy. Don't. One time a couple years ago, I was going through some minor insomnia (I only went 2 days without sleep). I was broke and fed up with it, so on the third night at 2:00am, I took about 30-50 Benadryl. I got to sleep about an hour later, then woke up at 6:30 to go to school.
Apparently the effects didn't hit me until about 8:30. I was sitting in first period, and suddenly it felt like I weighed about 500 lbs. I _could not_ move. About 10 minutes later, I was completely out of it. The walls were moving. Every time someone yawned, spiders came out of their faces. Everything sounded like after you get hit with a flash bang in a video game. I had to deal with it all day. It became manageable a couple hours in, but holy shit it was terrible.
TL;DR -10/10 do not recommend
whynotpersephone: 30-50 benadryl? That is insane! I am happy you're still alive, BTW.
SHIT_BURGERS: I looked it up beforehand, and the LD-50 is about 500mg/Kg, so since I weighed about 68 kg at a time, so it would take 34,000 mg before it could be potentially lethal. That's over 1,000 pills before there's a 50% chance of dying.
About a month before that, I went a full week without sleep. Like I said, I was two days in, so I basically said "fuck it, if it'll make me go to sleep, I'll eat this shit like candy" I mean, technically it worked.
Thanks for worrying though. Don't think about trying to get high on household items though, it's never any good. I don't think that would've been fun even if I knew what was happening.
Tsunami29: You do know that LD-50 is probably for mice or rats right?
But you are were probably not in danger with that amount anyway.
| 8 | 2 | |
1404409126 | 1404465281 | t3_29r9cy | t5_2to41 | 241 | BearsBears: TIFU By Showing My Mom How To FaceBook.
I found myself in a tight spot financially. My car went to the shop, I put a deposit down on a house, rent was due, and so were the utility bills. So something had to give. So naturally I did what I imagine everyone does when they find themselves in this predicament, I stopped eating and shut off my phone. No big deal. But now I need a ride to work, So I asked the Mominator for a lift, she happily agree'd but asked how we were going to stay in contact.
me-"That's easy mom, just message me on facebook."
mom-"I dont know how to check my facebook"
me-"Wtf"
After a quick tutorial we notice she has a TON of messages, One of which was from a girl I had a fling with a few summers ago.
I got her pregnant, and she was too scared to tell me directly so she messaged my mom...
I have a two year old daughter named Skie that lives 1,200 miles away from me.
P.S. I acknowledge that the true fuck up was two years and nine months ago when I didnt wear a condom.
thiagob96: Shes a bitch
[deleted]: You're a moron.
elerium1: What kind of bitch sends a "by the way you have a daughter" message over facebook to his mom!
I bet she spent the last 2 years bitching about the dead beat dad she couldn't even bother to tell had a child.
[deleted]: >I bet she spent the last 2 years...
Really? Why do you bet that? Do you know any of these people involved? Or are you just making sweeping generalizations and assumptions, you stupid cunt?
| 5 | 48.2 | |
1404406139 | 1404659333 | t3_29r4ff | t5_2to41 | 236 | [deleted]: TIFU by Masturbating Drunk 2.0
This was some time ago, but I came home very much wasted after a Friday night of shenanigans. I live with 2 roommates and they were asleep when I got home.
After several attempts I finally got the front door of the house open, only to slam it against the wall. Went to the kitchen to grab 1 final beer and cooked an omelet. Ever so stealthily as to not wake up the rommates who must still be sleeping like babies.
Ok, now ready for bed. Lol who am I kidding? After striking out with all of those sexy ladies, I need to unload my pistol before I can even consider catching some ZZZs.
Assume computer chair position like a captain of a Boeing 747. Monitor angle check, brightness check, turtle beach headphones check, headphone bass check, all check. RedTube clear for takeoff.
Now I have a hard time climaxing after drinking so much, call it whiskey dick. So took about an hour and several genres of porn to get me there, but I did! Ready for bed now.
Next morning my rommates are at the kitchen table looking pissed off. I ask what's up? Apparently I woke them up with the front door slamming against the wall , next they heard a Tazmanian Devil destroying the kitchen, and finally a maniac watching an hour of porn. So turns out that I didn't plug my headphones in the audio jack of my computer's surround sound system.. they heard everything from gang bangs, to lesbians wrestling in things, to 30min of cumshot compilations.. TIFU
TL; DR: Masturbating for an hour while drunk with max volume on, but headphones were not plugged in
Nbk420: I call bullshit. OP put on noise canceling headphones only to hear porn when they weren't plugged in. Yea fuckin right.
yaaahh: Ever been drunk?
Nbk420: Ever worn noise canceling headphones not plugged in?
| 4 | 59 | |
1404351191 | 1404416846 | t3_29pbc2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping a hammer on my head
I was at the restaurant I work at hanging an open sign I just bought from Costco. After many corrections I finally got it level and stepped off the ladder to admire my work.
I then folded the ladder and went to go walk back inside when I felt a massive object hit the top of my head and realized I left the hammer on top of the ladder and it just fell straight in my head.
Massive welt, no blood (I've had more than a few head injuries) but maybe a mild concussion and a horrible headache.
Be careful when using anything heavier than a few pounds. I know this could have easily killed me or given me brain damage, and I'm hoping there aren't any complications in the future.
MissedYourJoke: What the hell were you using to hang the banner? A sledge? A hammer typically weighs 16 to 24 oz.
[deleted]: I was nailing the sign to the side of the building, it was a fairly large one. The sign was like 2-3 pounds and the hammer felt about the same. Heavy enough to fuck you up.
MissedYourJoke: Fair enough! I thought you meant that the hammer was several pounds. I didn't take into account the distance like that. I was thinking it was a 6 foot step ladder. My father was holding a ladder for my grandfather once, and my grandfather said "Don't look up!". Well, of course you are going to look up if someone says that! My dad did, and was rewarded with a 2x4 scrap that my grandpa dropped, which broke my dad's glasses and bloodied him up.
[deleted]: Ouch that sounds bad! Of course he is going to look up! Yeah I learned a new respect for safety measures when using ladders and any kind of tools up higher than a table. Now I understand hard hats
MissedYourJoke: I was like 9-10 years old, and watched the entire thing. I could not stop laughing!
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1404410458 | 1404607172 | t3_29rbi4 | t5_2to41 | 180 | Lithiarch: TIFU by trying to give a Mango Smoothie to a Mannequin.
Alright, so I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but this... for some reason, it just seems worse for some reason. I just realized that anyone from LC/ Bay Area will probably recognize me, but fuck it, it's too late to go back now.
**tl;dr backstory:** They're building a new fitness center along the highway close to my neighborhood. Every day when I drive past it on my way to school, there's this dude in a purple suit standing there with a sign advertising the gym. Since it's summertime in Texas, it's hotter than Satan's armpits, and this guy is out there every. single day. holding that stupid sign. At first, I was a little creeped out about the advertising technique, but as the weeks passed, I started to feel really sorry for whatever unfortunate employee's job it was to stand there like that every day, in the blistering heat and right next to traffic. I decided that eventually I'd get him something nice as a little welcome-to-LC gift.
**today:** Well, today, my summer school session 1 ended. I walked out of the Meteorology final exam broken but not defeated, and I decided to get some vienamese milk tea to drink on the way home. When in the store, I decided to get an extra little Mango smoothie for that poor guy who was undoubtedly still standing outside ("probably has like a 12 hour shift or something," I thought to myself). Bought it, got on road back home. Finally get to where the gym is, and I pull in and get the smoothie out of my car. Walk up to the guy from behind, he's standing on some weird wooden block? Uhhhh, okay. I start talking to him about how hot it is outside and if he wants a mango smoothie I got for him ("it's still sealed, I even brought a straw"), realize he's not listening. I walk to where he's facing and IT'S A GOD-DAMN FUCKING MANNEQUIN. **I'VE BEEN WORRIED FOR A WHOLE MONTH AND THEN BOUGHT A MANGO SMOOTHIE FOR A FUCKING PIECE OF PLASTIC.**
Cue the most humiliated walk of shame back to my car ever.
While this was all happening, cars were passing left and right. I'd guess more than 100 people saw me offer a smoothie to this thing. Holy crap. I feel like a fucking idiot.
I'll upload proof onto imgur later when I'm finished bashing my head against my computer. [HERE IT IS.](http://imgur.com/a/fo2Oq)
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Edit: since the question came up of how I didn't notice that it wasn't a real person: the speed on that road is fairly high so I couldn't see him/it clearly, and it was also wearing a fully purple body suit with a mask that exposed only the eyes and nose.
Edit 2: holy mother of zeus, my first time being gifted Reddit Gold. Thank you so much, whoever you are! <3
not_a_sunbear: this might be the greatest TIFU ever. Doesn't rely on any sexual interactions, just pure greatness.
OddTurtle89: Don't know if you read the one with the guy accidentally ruining a funeral parade, that one was hilarious as well.
not_a_sunbear: lol yes i did
OddTurtle89: When he sneakily turned into his garage and they're all stopped outside his house confused; I laughed so much I cried!
[deleted]: Could you link me to that please?
OddTurtle89: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1p554s/tifu_by_ruining_a_funeral_procession/
[deleted]: Thank you!
| 8 | 22.5 | |
1404412684 | 1404424291 | t3_29rfim | t5_2to41 | 67 | burninghooha: TIFU by drying off after showering
This literally happened no more than an hour ago.
Anyway a short back story: Last night I decided not to shower because my back was bothering me and I wanted to use some icy hot on it. Now if you have ever used icy hot, then you know that you shouldn't use it before or after a shower because showers open up pores and the icy hot gets absorbed faster. Anyways, I go to squeeze the icy hot out and I squeeze way too much out. Alright no big deal. I rub it on the sore area on my back and go to wipe the excess icy hot off and wash my hands. I go into the bathroom and the hand towel is gone, presumably being washed. So I use the shower towel hanging up to wipe my hands off and move it to the back so no one will use it in the morning.
Fast forward to this afternoon and I'm really hot (we don't have A/C) so I decide a shower would feel nice. I take a shower, and when it's time to get out, I grab a towel without paying attention. I debate whether or not to dry off or just go out soaking wet because I figure it'll feel nice sitting in front of a fan soaking wet. I decide I should dry off and proceed to dry off my downstairs area first and then dry the rest of my body. Then all of a sudden it hits me... My vagina feels like it's on fire. It dawns on me that I used the icy hot towel without thinking about it. Not only are you not supposed to put the stuff on mucous membranes, but I also just got out of the shower. My whole body is burning and I just want to jump into a pool of ice it's so bad. There's not much I can do so I just got in front of a fan to dry faster and get some cool air on me.
It's about an hour later and the burning has mostly stopped besides a lingering tingle. I'm just in awe of how stupid I was.
PM_ME_YOUR_SMILE___: For some reason I was reading this in the point of view of a guy until I got to the word vagina.
beep_boop_sleep: Same here, bro
| 3 | 22.333333 | |
1404414275 | 1404420098 | t3_29ri4q | t5_2to41 | 20 | Obviathrowawayname: TIFU by cheating and hurting a friend
I don't know what to say. I've hurt the person I cared about the most and a close friend. It was a couple of drinks, it was a one night thing, a lapse of judgement. I came clean broke her trust and then had to tell the friend what we did was meaningless. I'm burning in hell, this I know. Call me terrible things the other two were too upset to say anything. Learn from my mistakes my friends, nothing good happens after 2 am...
BatMetheny: You should've known better than to cheat a friend, and waste the chance that you've been given.
Now you're never gonna dance again, the way you danced with her.
a_guile: Are you quoting Seether?
Jaytu: I feel old since my first conclusion was that he must be quoting George Michael.
a_guile: And I was about to swear that George Michael never said that in Arrested Development.
Good thing I google stuff sometimes.
| 5 | 4 | |
1404411960 | 1404416660 | t3_29re74 | t5_2to41 | 14 | MissedYourJoke: TIFU by falling out of bed, ripping out a ceiling fan, and face-planting into a metal shower door frame.
This happened over the weekend, but I've been busy.
So Thursday last week, I was having a really bad day. I was facing jail time and a bunch of other shit. Anyway, I have weird sleeping problems and get typically 3 hours of sleep when I can sleep, or I take 2 klonopin and I sleep for 5 hours max. Well, the klonopin wasn't kicking in, so I took two more. Then it started working! Too well...
I went to turn my ceiling fan to a higher speed as my AC is broken. It's dark, and I thought I saw the chain for it, but I was wrong. I put my hand into the damn blades already turning, and bruised up my hand. In my weird state, I hulk-raged and ripped the fucking fan off the ceiling then threw it down the hallway.
I finally fell asleep on my fraction of the bed as my pup had taken over 90% of it, and I roll off the bed after a couple hours. All I feel is this stabbing pain in my shoulder at my rotator cuff (tore it before, so I know the feeling), so I get up off the floor and went to go to the bathroom. I totally forgot that there is a ceiling fan now laying busted on the hardwood floor in the hallway, and proceed to step on the shattered glass from the lights. Now I'm stumble-fucking my way to the bathroom with a busted shoulder and bloody foot with glass in it.
I got to the bathroom, and also forgot I left my shoes on the floor. As I hit the light, my uninjured foot hits my shoes, and I trip forward. I face-plant into the the tub that has archaic metal doors on it, which thankfully I left open for once. So now, over the series of 60 seconds, I've blown out my shoulder, I stepped on glass that's still there in my foot, plus broken my face with blood everywhere, and I can barely get up from it. Thursday night was not my night.
I went to the hospital on Sunday, and torn rotator. Went to an emergency dentist Friday to see what damage I basically did, and I just busted my lips and bruised the nerves. Foot still has glass in it plus a big gash on it. Once I cleaned up most of the blood after I fell, I just laid on the floor, afraid to move.
TL;DR - ripped off ceiling fan, ripped rotator cuff, ripped up foot, and ripped face with metal track on shower.
billegoat45: Ouch, OP. Also pics.
MissedYourJoke: Ok. I'm on mobile so I really don't want to show the hospital one, or my face (that's another story). But here are a couple pics. http://i.imgur.com/Jxcnq4R.jpg http://i.imgur.com/fdsb4JK.jpg http://i.imgur.com/9bNyohb.jpg http://i.imgur.com/VNhSRzA.jpg (hard to show the gash there. Basically it's under my ring toe, I guess you would call it.) http://i.imgur.com/YaEpbbY.jpg (trying to censor the name on that one.) http://i.imgur.com/07FknaD.jpg. Sorry for formatting.
Edit: just found these two also. http://i.imgur.com/JAqQH9E.jpg after I cleaned most of it up. http://i.imgur.com/PHDgvPA.jpg - offending shower rail. Yeah I know it's dirty. The thing has been here 40+ years. Even Bar Keepers Friend can't get this shit clean.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404414523 | 1404556703 | t3_29rilx | t5_2to41 | 14 | pretty-little-liar: TIFU by skiing straight into a tree.
*Disclaimer: this actually happened a few winters ago, I may be Canadian, but July's still hot as fuck.
I was on a class trip to a ski hill (yeah, a FEW winters ago) and I had never gone skiing before. But being the dummy that I am, I decided that I was ready to try a "real hill" rather than the small hills for learning.
I was going pretty well until part-way down where there was a turn: left was the easier hill, right was a slightly more difficult hill, and straight ahead was a huge-ass tree. I had already seen one of my classmates go down the right hill and another go down to the left, and I wasn't sure which way to go... so of course, that translated into going straight, face-first into a tree.
Cracked-open bloody lip, bruised tail-bone and lungs void of air, I sat there stunned when my teacher (at the back of the group) came across me and helped me down the hill. My lip was swollen for a week.
Needless to say I haven't been skiing again...
spleenandpie: Did you french fry when you should have been pizza?
pretty-little-liar: Well, I certainly had a bad time...
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404414519 | 1404419122 | t3_29rilk | t5_2to41 | 16 | A_c00k1e: Tifu by stabbing myself in the eye with my glasses at the eye doctors
Title says it all. Did it right infront of a doctor with the arm on my glasses
EDIT: more or less poked myself with the part that hangs on your ear. Trying to be cool and put them on 1 handed
cyrilfelix: How does one stab themselves with glasses? I never really looked at them as a stabby item. Post up a pic when you can!
Diarygirl: I've poked my eye with my glasses before. That's probably what OP means. At least I hope so.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1404416605 | 1404427427 | t3_29rm2g | t5_2to41 | 39 | [deleted]: TIFU by sexually harassing a secretary.
Today I walked into the office building of some clients. 8 or 9 guys came to greet me at reception, hands were shook, badges were issued and they started walking me to a meeting room.
I've been there a few times before and I noticed that there was a new receptionist on the desk today. Walking away from reception (still within earshot) I said "Is that a new receptionist?". Then, for no apparent reason and without pause I looked back and decided to comment about how warm the weather was today, "JEEEESSUS CHRIST it's hot, eh guys?". It. IT!!!!? Fuck!!!
I knew I fucked up right away. The receptionist looked at me. I looked at her. I knew she heard. Everyone looks at me with jaws dropped and there I am like a rabbit in the headlights, realising what I said. I was too scared to backtrack and risk digging myself even deeper. All of my guests thought that was ballsy and hilarious when we got to the meeting room (she's actually pretty cute) but I've never been so embarrassed. No eye contact was made as I returned my badge. FML.
I'm pretty sure she's going to report me.
ssjkriccolo: I thought you were talking about the weather. Took me a bit to spot the fuck up other than the in office swearing.
[deleted]: > fuck up other than the in office swearing.
Is that really a thing in most companies? I guess I've been in the military too long.
ssjkriccolo: I've worked in mostly client-based companies and the rule of thumb was never swear until the client does. It reminded me of George Costanzo calling people bastards and sons of bitches
[deleted]: > the rule of thumb was never swear until the client does.
Ah, well that certainly makes sense around clients. Would swearing be a problem if no clients were present?
ssjkriccolo: You never knew when a tour was going on. Plus strict dress code. Basically you had an entire IT department in ties and dresses. It was annoying especially since there were hazards in the testing area with signs clearly stating "no dresses or ties or other loooooose clothinf"
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1404417592 | 1404438101 | t3_29rno6 | t5_2to41 | 34 | n8poppy: TIFU by dusting the big screen TV I had for sale
In the process of moving I had a guy coming to buy my 56" 1080P DLP television. Disconnecting cables from the set I noticed it was very dusty in the back. So I blasted some compressed air to remove the dust. The television was on at the time...Everything was going fine until I decided to blast the lamp housing and ***BOOM!*** The lamp exploded and a fireball shot out of the back burning the hair off my hand and rendering the television non-operational.
I had to call the buyer and tell him it's no longer working because of my attempt to clean it up. The compressed air caused a rapid change in temperature that instantly exploded the lamp.
If I'd have blasted air while the lamp was cool I'd have $250 in my pocket and wouldn't have had to take the broken TV with me to my new apartment. A new lamp may fix it but I still need to pull out the housing and see if there's any fire damage to the components inside... Lesson learned.
UPDATE: (2/25/2015) I let this thing sit in my new apartment for months before I bought a replacement lamp, thinking it'd be expensive. It only costed $34 shipped and I have a working 56" HDTV again.
RaghuC99: Wait you were selling a 56 inch 1080p tv for 250 dollars?
n8poppy: Yeah. It's a number of years old and it's a DLP, not a flat panel. [The back looks like this.](http://i.imgur.com/zAzzPOF.jpg)
[deleted]: My mother has one like that. It's a projection TV or whatever, and it's huge but the quality on it is dogshit. It's in like 480p at 60 inches and it's so bad. It's also one of the old "fat" TVs, so it's heavy as fuck to move and I have to help her move soon. She refuses to get rid of it.
Like fuck, just spend 600 bucks and get a 1080P 50 inch or something that weighs 10 pounds, not 200.
50Thousanddeep: I have a 64" plasma. Trust me, those things are not light. Mine is like 95lbs. The big TV like OP's that I had weighed 45lbs.
[deleted]: Plasmas weigh a lot too. LED and LCD don't.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1404418036 | 1404426312 | t3_29rofc | t5_2to41 | 26 | fucks_equal_zero: TIFU by shaving
Actually happened today.
I got a straight razor a few months ago and have become really proficient at using it. I had a beer, or three....got brave and decided to do some manscaping. what manlier way to do it than with that straight razor?
Never again.
Pyrrolidone: So, hows it hanging bro.... or better said.. Are they still hanging bro ?
fucks_equal_zero: Clever. I lost a chunk coming up over the testicle. nothing paper towels couldnt handle. Scary as fuck, though.
Username__Irrelevant: > I lost a chunk
> testicle
NEVER IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1404417427 | 1404424983 | t3_29rnek | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating popcorn at the movies high
It was actually last night, but anyways. My friends and I went to watch the new transformers movie. We smoked before, and I was at about a 8. My girlfriend bought some popcorn, and of course I immediately went to town on it. I shoved as much in my mouth as I could. At this point I had some pretty bad cotton mouth, and provided me with no saliva to help my popcorn go down. Holy shit, start choking on popcorn in the lobby of the movie theater. Keep trying to swallow, no luck. Going into major panic mode right now. Try to say something but no words come out. Start coughing, and grab my friends drink out of his hand. Popcorn finally goes down, and I am coughing, tears in my eyes, and finally catching my breath. I'm breathing like I just finished a 5k. None of my friends even noticed my near death experience. Walked into the theater without saying a word to anyone, they still don't know.
tl;dr choked on popcorn in the movie theatre.
Branz003: holy shit dude...i was about to walk over to some guy last night almost dieing in a theater because i thought he was choking.... then i watched him steal his friends drink...
Could. It. Be.
titsucker99: I don't believe you. What theatre were you at?
Branz003: The one you were at! Lol in just a troll...
piyowww2: Lmao!! Omg...I can't...hahha spot on
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1404420445 | 1404429424 | t3_29rsqi | t5_2to41 | 50 | carrotman4: TIFU by using a Bluetooth speaker [nsfw]
So today I came home from a rather exhausting day at work. I greeted my parents and brother briefly before going upstairs to take a shower. After my shower, I went into my room naked, and figured I would relax for a few minutes and watch some porn. I brought up my favorite porn site but the sound on my laptop didn't work. I turned it up to the max and still nothing. After I brought up several other videos in different browsers (all porn by the way), I brought up a YouTube music video. A minute later I get a text from my dad downstairs, "are you playing a rap song right now?" I replied, "yes, how did you know?" "It's playing through the Bluetooth speaker down here in the living room."
tl;dr I played the sounds of my wonderful porn fetishes for my parents for who knows how long.
Swarlsonegger: I've read countless variations of this story numerous times.
duckvimes_: This is by far the most common repost on TIFU.
Swarlsonegger: i know right. this is what it must feel like working as a coder for Infinity Ward.
>"eh guis, guis, I haz gud idea 4 new game, call of duty 1337_360_aliennazizombies!"
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1404422949 | 1404700445 | t3_29rx1i | t5_2to41 | 10 | p0tat07: Tifu by trying to shut off a lawn mower
I was at work and I had to weed wack around the ponds. There were a few spots that would have been to difficult to do with a weed wacker. So I go back to the barn and hook up a trailer to my gator and pull out a lawn mower. It starts fine but I released the bale and it didn't stop. I messed around with the throttle to attempt to shut it off but it did nothing and continued to run. I walked around the mower looking for an off switch, it was an older model so I wasn't sure if there would be or not. I found nothing and decided to yank out the spark plug. I leaned over, grabbed the spark plug with one hand and leaned on the mower case with the other. Dumbest thing I've done. I almost got knocked off my ass from the shock
ikoniq93: So, mildly interesting side note. Never shocked myself doing this, but I have accidentally shorted out car starters...now that throws a hell of a spark. Almost welded my gators to a Jeep's starter doing that once.
p0tat07: Heh my dad's mechanic at work shorted out a golf cart battery with a wrench and his wedding ring, the ring glowed a cherry red around his finger, or so I've heard and the wrench blued from the current
ikoniq93: man fuck all that noise, that's why I don't wear my rings to work.
Scynthious: Yup - when I got a job wiring houses first thing my lead told me was "Don't wear that ring to work".
| 5 | 2 | |
1404421653 | 1404499113 | t3_29ruv1 | t5_2to41 | 47 | worst_troll_evar: TIFU by unknowingly cutting into a vehicular funeral procession, swearing back and forth at one of the mourners for 'blowing a red light'
This happened a few years ago. this is by far the worst thing i have ever done in my life. There is no justification, no excuse, no apology that i feel would ever make this right. i'm a complete idiot and 100% in the wrong. I truly fouled up that day and i wish i could somehow let these people know i didn't mean to ruin a day like that for them. and offer whatever apology i can muster from the bottom of my heart.
&nbsp;
This was in Chicago like 4-5 years ago, Medical District. (i offer that info up because of the infinitesimal chance that someone who was there would read this could know how sorry i am for fucking up). It was midday and i was driving back to the office from lunch. I was at a 4 way intersection and i wanted to take a left turn onto the main street to get me back to work. The funeral procession was going perpendicular to me, on the road i wanted to turn on. I didn't see, or pay attention to the lead car, which i assume, was probably a Hearse. When my light turned green, i just noticed an alarming amount of cars just blowing their red light preventing me from turning onto that street.
&nbsp;
This is Chicago traffic so i just though to myself 'these assholes...fuck it, i gotta get back to work...im just gonna go. Screw them for trying to just beat the light.'
i proceed to make my left turn and still surprised these cars were still driving through their red light. i was getting upset...wtf is with all these cars that are blatantly ignoring the red light! I cut off the line of cars, probably right in the middle. the car behind me actually had to swerve around me because he was still going straight through the intersection.
&nbsp;
He's in a jeep, it was summertime. his jeep was unconvered, my windows were down. When he laid on the horn i definitely heard it. That just got me so upset...'the nerve of this guy to run a red light, and honk at me...i had the mother fucking green light!' he pulls up to my side:
"Asshole!!"
"YOU ASSHOLE!!"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!"
That is all i heard from him while pacing my car side by side.
&nbsp;
All i could do was yell back with anger
"I had the fucking green light, mother fucker!"
"Red means stop you dumbass!"
While i speed up to try and pass him.
&nbsp;
It was then, while my head was turned in his direction, yelling at his dumbass for running a red light that i finally notice the flag on the front of his car: "Funeral" it read. I look at his windshield, there's a big bright sticker that says "Funeral". i look in front of me, the car has his hazards on. i look behind me, that car has his hazards on....
&nbsp;
I'm in shock...my mouth just hangs open. I immediately move my car to the far right lane and slow down to let them pass. The guy in the jeep passes me again. All i can muster is "Sorrr..." and he's already gone. The look on his face just filled with anger and disgust... "Assho..." is all i hear as he drives past.
&nbsp;
i had a good minute or two to wait for the rest of the cars to pass before i could start driving again. I could not look up at any of them, my head was down and hidden. What could i have said or done anyway...
I still think about it fairly regularly. so much regret and absolute stupidity on my part. there is no excuse...i should've seen all that. my mind should have immediately registered that it was a funeral procession. but i didn't. and i truly fucked up that day.
3005003: Nah, fuck that guy. Being in a funeral procession doesn't magically make him above the law and people aren't obligated to give them right of way. Unless they had a police escort.
But still fuck that guy.
dancingmrt: http://www.chicagocode.org/9-32-020/
Actually, it kind of does.
3005003: Well, shit.
zigzaggeezus: Only a true dick breathed bastard would say fuck them if its not a law. Op made a dick move but it was at least a mistake, you mr 3005003 are just a shitty human being
3005003: I don't give a fuck about funeral processions, sue me.
zigzaggeezus: If only assholes of the world could be punished as such
3005003: Are you saying I should die because I don't care about funeral processions? I'm not the only asshole in this conversation dude.
zigzaggeezus: Where did i ever say you should die? Might be the only illiterate one in the conversation...
3005003: > If only assholes of the world could be punished as such
be less passive-aggressive then and maybe your point will come across clearer
zigzaggeezus: It was pretty clear....you said sue you, i agreed...where the confusion
| 11 | 4.272727 | |
1404421275 | 1404424359 | t3_29ru6k | t5_2to41 | 15 | LURCHDIUTV: TIFU by making a joke about a co workers truck
Back ground on me, Im notorious at work for being a ball break and dishing out a good joke. All day at work My coworker is showing everyone outside his new truck and he is getting all excited about this. To be honest it was starting to get really annoying. He comes to me and asks me hey come look at my new truck. I proceed to look at the new truck and it is a nice blue F 150. I go to him hey that is a nice truck. What are you trying to do over compensate some short comings? I thought it was funny, he did not............Turns out his uncle who raised him left him the truck after dying suddenly of a heart attack. I feel like a dick
tulilytx: Well...how can he be upset at you for unknowingly making an inappropriate joke when he's the one all excited about a new truck that he only has because someone died? That's a bit crass in itself. I get that you feel like a jerk but he's acting in poor taste, too.
LURCHDIUTV: it was a very recent death and I can kinda understand where he is coming from if it happened to me id probably be upset at the joke myself I didn't say it to be mean at all its more or less me going along with what im known for in the office I still kinda feel bad
| 3 | 5 | |
1404424571 | 1404429144 | t3_29rzml | t5_2to41 | 20 | Blocktimus_Prime: TIFU: Google translate and I may get my wife fired.
TIFU by talking with my wife while she is at work, and naturally sex came up. I got the bright idea of sending her a naughty message in Spanish: ¿Quieres tener sexo increíble después? Te enviaré al éxtasis con mi poderosa polla!
as in: Want to have incredible sex later? I'll send you to ecstasy with my mighty cock!
While she took Spanish in high school, she couldn't quite get exactly what I said, so she put it into Google translate and the text came out AND FILLED HER MONITOR. Her boss sits right behind her. Hopefully he and her coworkers weren't looking at her screen when it happened.
My naughty Google translate privileges have been revoked. Hopefully, I'll still get laid.
f_unit: Google translate text isn't that big unless she was using humungous fonts. Assuming she closed the window quickly she'll probably be okay.
And yeah, don't sext people at work. Jesus, dude come on.
Blocktimus_Prime: I know! It's not a normal thing, really, kind of spur of the moment. I think her fonts are set funny because of something she was doing in Excel.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1404426925 | 1404520911 | t3_29s3dr | t5_2to41 | 15 | madd222: TIFU by not disclosing a past misdemeanor during a job background check
I graduated college a few months ago and managed to get my first job offer as a software developer for a large company. I filled out all of the necessary paperwork and was finally completing the info for a 3rd party background check. Being the idiot I am, I answered no to the question 'have you ever been convicted of a crime?' without a second thought. However, this was not true. I had entirely forgotten that during my very first week of college 4 years ago, I made the mistake of drinking on campus and got busted with a minor consumption charge. I had paid the citation off the next day and put it all behind me.
Anyways, I got a call today from the company performing the background check and he asked why I answered no to the 'have you ever been convicted of a crime?' question, when it obviously showed that I had been convicted of a crime. I tried to frantically explain that I had honestly forgotten that it had ever happened and it was a mistake. He didn't seem too happy with my answer but that was that. I then left a voice mail with my HR recruiter at the company saying that I had made an honest mistake when filling out the background check form and apologized. I'm pretty sure I screwed over any chance I had working at this company and they will most likely terminate the job offer that I have already accepted. Fuck. me.
evenstevens280: People make mistakes. It's not like you murdered someone.
Minor consumption? What even is that.
madd222: I agree, but I technically lied about not having a criminal past. I guess that's more than enough reason for an employer to reject you.
evenstevens280: There's a difference between lying and forgetting. Lying is knowingly giving false information. That's not what you did
krrc: They don't know that.
| 5 | 3 | |
1404427934 | 1404483651 | t3_29s4xq | t5_2to41 | 66 | WhiteShadow92: TIFU by accidentally flirting with my math professor
It needs to be pointed out first that I'm pretty shy and socially awkward. I'm the type of person to say good morning at 2pm when someone says hello.
Anyways, so I am taking a 5 week summer course for intermediate algebra and have this fairly attractive female professor. She is probably in her late 20s, early 30s. She is friendly to most students, but a professional friendly, not flirting... The class recently did not do well in an exam and she chose to give an easy quiz the following day to make up some points. I sit near the front of the class, one seat behind the first row, but the seat in front of me is always empty. She decided that she would grade the quizzes facing towards me sitting in front of me, not too close, maybe 2-3 feet away. I finished my quiz and passed it to her, she graded it fairly quickly and showed me I got 100%. This is where it went downhill, she smiled at me while showing me my paper, so my stupid awkward self decided in a split second to give her an awkward thumbs up followed by an even sadder wink... Her smile quickly turned into an expression of disapproval, shock and a hint of disgust. I knew then, I had fucked up...
A little more background on my professor, she had been involved in a situation whereas she was caught having an inappropriate relationship with another student a couple years ago. It was stopped before it became serious, so she only received a slap on the wrist. I was given this information by the dean after she freaked out and sent me there. He was completely understanding of my story and the whole situation.
I go back to class on Monday where I will be sitting in the back, with my head down, solving for x.
TL;DR I awkwardly winked and "flirted" with my professor, causing her to freak out and send me to the dean.
f_unit: Maaan, you got burned. She sooo overreacted. What did the dean have to say?
Paran0ix: Prob smth like: 'If the damn rules wouldn't be, I definitely would've slapped that ass already.
| 3 | 22 | |
1404422657 | 1404441505 | t3_29rwkt | t5_2to41 | 10 | Casclo: TIFU by face-planting on a sand dune
Today I went on a sand dune ride with my brother and sister where you would get driven around on these really big sand dunes. About half way through the trip there was this part where you could get get off for 5-10 minutes to take pictures of view, run around, or whatever on the biggest sand dune. So there was this big hill where you could run down and walk back up. I decided that it look really fun so I sprinted down and lost control. On the way down, I kept picking up speed and eventually fell face first down the dune. I took a mouthful of sand and I did a somersault, ensuring that sand got everywhere. It didn't hurt that much because it's all sand, but I slid for a few feet on my face since it was all sand. It was all in my clothes and hair. I am getting sand out of my ears and nose as I type. Not fun.
tl;dr Ran down a sand dune, face-planted, sand got everywhere.
A-Pi: This wasnt in Dubai was it?
Casclo: Was not in Dubai.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1404437219 | 1404506055 | t3_29s7kp | t5_2to41 | 4,922 | misterob: Excellent, appreciate that. That's the plan! We'll see how it goes. I'll post an edit as soon as I hear back.
EasyOnTheData: We believe in you OP!
DeySeeMeLurkin: I absolutely do not.
Sirsilentbob423: I find your lack of faith disturbing
ONLY_COMMENTS_ON_GW: Dad?
I_Think_Alot: No, this is Patrick.
whatacliche: [] Yes
[] This
[] Came here to say this
[] Logged in just to upvote this
[] I know this will never be seen but...
[] I found this gem...
[] This will be downvoted to hell/buried but...
[] An upvote for you, good sir
[] You are a gentleman and a scholar
[] You magnificent bastard
[] M'lady / tips fedora
[] Someone give this man reddit gold
[] Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
[] Anne Frankly I did nazi that coming
[] That escalated quickly
[] To the top with you!
[] Lost it at ____
[] This is why we can't have nice things
[] Faith in humanity restored
[] Whoa / mind = blown
[] Manly tears were shed
[] Cutting onions
[] I know that feel, bro
[] Right in the feels
[] Risky click
[] Shots fired
[] Nailed it
[] You. I like you
[] I regret that I only have one upvote to give
[] Tree fiddy
[] Was not disappointed
[] Wait, why do I have you tagged as _______?
[] What did I just read?
[] Da fuq?
[] YOU HAD ONE JOB
[] I can't fap to this
[] Cakeday
[] What are you doing, stahp
[] For science
[] That's enough internet for me today
[] Would not bang
[] x/10 would (not) Y
[] What is this I don't even?
[] How is this WTF?
[] Circlejerk must be leaking
[] Lawyer up, delete facebook, hit the gym
[] Said no one ever
[] I have the weirdest boner right now
[] /thread
[] My first post
[] Edit: wow I can't believe my top comment is about _______
[] EDIT: Seriously front page? Thanks guys!
[] EDIT: Obligatory front page edit!!!
[] Are you me?
[X] No, this is Patrick!
[] Directions unclear - dick stuck in _______
[] I laughed way harder than I should have
[] It's almost like Reddit is thousands of different people with thousands of different opinions.
[] Plot twist: _____
[] Step one: be attractive. Step two: don't be unattractive.
[] Broken Arms - Mom jerked him off
[] ____ here: can confirm / can confirm: am ____/ etc
[] Something involving sex with "your mom"
[] Mom's spaghetti
[] Tom Cruise
[] Ghandi (Gandhi*)
[] [________ intensifies]
[] rekt
Reddit stories:
[] Cumbox
[] Cumboxers
[] Jolly Rancher
[] Wednesday, the cat
[] Doritos
[] Colby
musicguy2013: Ya know, this is used enough, that it's soon gonna be on it's own list...
[deleted]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_lists_of_lists_which_do_not_list_themselves
Zuggible: Did you add that redirect?
[deleted]: I did not, and was surprised that it already existed.
| 11 | 447.454545 | |
1404425829 | 1404445050 | t3_29s1n3 | t5_2to41 | 14 | georgesuckslots: TIFU: The Stuff of Nightmares
Long time listener first time caller.
Monday, I fucked up. I know, it isnt today, but I just got to the point where I could focus on anything for more than a few seconds. I was sitting at my desk at work, and I pulled a mailer out to throw away. The mailer was made out of something between card stock and regular paper. I swiveled in my chair to toss in in the waste basket but as I brought it across my body, I couldnt see my trashcan under my desk, so I ducked my head down. And thats when it happened. I got a paper cut on my eyeball. Thats right, I papercutted my eye. As I'm sitting in obvious pain, my coworkers come over and cant figure out exactly what happened, except for one girl who saw it go down, who is alternating between expressing concern and laughing.
So I leave work immediately and drive to the optometrist, who upon examination tells me he will have to do a "cornea scraping". On a list of the top 3 things I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy, cornea scraping and paper cuts to the eyeball are two of them. So I tell the optometrist that there is no way I can do this. He tells me the only other option is to do nothing, and tomorrow, when I wake up, the eyelid will have affixed itself to my torn cornea and it will tear even more of it.
He ends up having me push my face against the contraption, and uses some sort of device to scrap my eyeball. I couldnt tell you what the device looked like, I have blocked everything about it from my memory. He then put in a medicated contact lens for 48 hours. It got it taken out last night, and I can now see for the most part. Apparently he compared what happened to me to be the equivalent of having a hangnail on my eye.
Good news is that since that's a 1 in a million accident, I figure it cant happen twice in my life. I guess I should be glad I got that out of the way?
AlexisAustin: Eye could make a cornea joke!
georgesuckslots: Ugh. Only thing worse than papercutting an eye is puns, although Iris-pect the effort.
tredisafool: This exact same thing happened to this 50 year old dude at my office. I also suspect he is a homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
potatosaladhombre: I think I also know this gent. Is he also a poorly regarded lacrosse coach?
tredisafool: Indeed! 2-29 record I believe.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1404430617 | 1404431948 | t3_29s8u1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | itchcreamthrowaway: TIFU: By over using anti-itch cream. Slightly NSFW
Throwaway for soon to be revealed reasons
Background info: I am a 17 year old high school soon to be senior.
I have never had problems shaving my pubic hair before.
Dear Reddit,
Earlier today I sincerely fucked up. Yesterday morning I decided to shave my pubic hair, no biggie i've never had a problem with it before. About half way through my shaving I received a phone call from a buddy of mine asking if I wanted to go disc golfing, and of course i couldn't say no so i told him to give me 15 minutes. That was my first mistake, now I put myself in a position where i had to hurry up my shaving. So I am going all out down there.. taking no time to make sure I made no mistakes. By the time I am done shaving there are little cuts everywhere, and I can already tell I am going to have razor burn.
Fast forward three hours to me sitting in my room watching Man vs. Wild and out of the blue my balls start itching so bad, this was as if I had a million tiny little bugs biting my nut sack. Nothing would remove the pain, and itching it made it 100x worse so I run upstairs in a panic to find a solution. I was rummaging in my medicine cabinet for about five minutes and then it seemed like god answered my prayers for i found the almighty anti-itch cream. I don't use it too often and I was in too much of a hurry to read the warning labels so in one swift motion i empty about half the tube in my hand and lather my balls and dick right up. AH, sweet relief. Everything seemed fine for the rest of the night, no itching, so I fell asleep and had amazing dreams. When I wake up I always have to use the bathroom so I walk upstairs from my bedroom and open my pee-hole in my boxers and I pull out what used to be my penis. Guys it looked horrible.. it literally looked like i went tanning outside for 10 hours straight with no sunscreen on while focusing all the light on my cock and balls. It was peeling and super red and still hurts to touch 27 hours later. I really don't know what to do, every time I get an erection the outer layer of ruined skin (or dried up anti-itch cream) rips and tears and puts me in extreme pain. I could not even imagine masturbating, but I assume it would feel like all my foreskin was ripping.
Now I am reading the warning layer of the anti-itch cream and it says visibly " Do not use on large areas of skin. "
Reddit Today I truly FUCKED UP.
Please help me. :~(
Edit: I still went disc golfing.
AlexisAustin: I guess it didn't scratch the itch for ya?
Also, did you actually go disc golfing?
itchcreamthrowaway: Yes I actually went disc golfing, it is my favorite hobby.
AlexisAustin: You just didn't mention it in the post, so I was confused if you still did it
itchcreamthrowaway: Ah my bad bud.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1404434250 | 1404464353 | t3_29sdy0 | t5_2to41 | 53 | xRorkes: TIFU By not not kissing the girl of my dreams.
This story is actually from earlier in the year but I have only recently discovered TIFU so please forgive me.
After turning 18 and inheriting some money after my mum passed away I decided I would put it towards traveling the world. My plan was to leave New Zealand and visit the UK where my mum grew up. After a 12 hour flight from Auckland to Shanghai I was exhausted and feeling terrible. I had a few hours to kill before my next flight so I sat down at my gate and began to charge my phone. After maybe 10 minutes or so this absolutely stunning German girl sits down opposite me. She was carrying her weight in bags and looked just as exhausted as I was.
We made eye contact and polite smiles to each other. Before I could muster the courage to go over and speak to her she comes and plonk herself down next to me. After maybe 2 hours of talking in slightly broken English it feels like we're really starting to getting to know one another. Our boarding call comes for our plane. I casually ask "Where abouts is your seat?" "34C" - Which happens to be the seat directly next to mine. I'm not one to usually believe in fate but this is my only exception.
So we spent the next 12 hours talking and sharing things that even my best friends don't know. It was evident that I was falling for this girl and from all signs she seemed to feel the same.
Then as the flight lands reality kicks in. After today I'm never going to see this girl again.
As we were slowly walking from the runway we get to a point where she has to go one way and I have to go another. It's this cruel Hollywood situation of saying goodbye to this girl at an airport both knowing that you will never see each other again. We both hug as I'm pulling away there's a moment where I'm looking into her gorgeous brown eyes and something in my mind says that you shouldn't kiss her... So I left and immediately regretted not kissing her, every fucking bone in my body told me I have to kiss this girl but my exhausted and drained brain had to fuck everything up. You couldn't have written a better love story and I didn't have the balls to go through with it.
But all is not lost. After my trip ended we have stayed in contact through emails and Skype and I'm moving to Europe in 2 months. Not specifically for her but its one of the reasons I want to leave New Zealand. I'm not sure what's going to happen but you can be sure that the moment I see her I'm going to hold her tight and kiss her like I should have done the first time.
I'll keep you posted reddit
Nappy_Genius: KISS DAH GUHL!
stepjens: WOAH WOOOAH
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1404435559 | 1404573562 | t3_29sfms | t5_2to41 | 627 | thrownawaysadness1: TIFU in light of all the drunk stories, time to confess a 17 year old story. (NSFW) (serious)
Although this happened a lifetime ago, the event seared a permanent wound into my soul, and has contributed to me wanting to end my life pretty much every single day until recently.
*** disclaimer: i am not suicidal and have not been for the past 5 years of my life ever since i discovered meditation and other coping techniques.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
It was the summer of 1997 and i was living in SF at the time. I was the usual kid from the south making his way in a weird city. I must state that at the time i was involved in the gay goth/ metal scene as i had friends that were homosexual at the time. I grew up in an extremely sheltered environment (JW) until i moved for college. Got an apartment which i shared with two gay guys. Lets call them tom and jon. I dint have a girlfriend at the time but i had used tom as a wingman before for one night stands. However i was pretty much a greenhorn at this lifestyle.
One night i got invited to a gay bar (amazing place to meet single ladies at the time) if you were into goth culture at the time. As you can imagine i went with tom and jon, both of which were heavily into fitness tapes and were buff as hell. Some nights were out of control and there was always this subtle vibe of " all these heteros coming to our bar just to hook our female friends" ( also gays werent accepted then like now) or at least what i got. I would get asked to dance and rubbed on or spanked once in a while but refusing from the getgo always did the trick. I had one guy trying to grab my crotch and neck kiss me but my friends intervened.
TIFU...
The night was going good, hadnt met anyone but was in a good mood dancing to the rave music....then i suddenly get sick. ( i never watched my drinks and often left them unattended)
I realised years later that this was most likely a roofie or a drugged drink that was meant for someone else. I was also pretty drunk and i dont remember much.
I wake up in the bathroom with my pants by my ankles, feeling like i was dying. It look me a bit of trying to move to realise that i was bleeding. At this point i dont remember much, but i remember feeling an extreme rush of adrenaline as i realised that my penis was out of my underwear and missing the glans. I did numerous double takes, puked, kept touching it to make sure it was for real, pulled my pants up and stumbled out.
Days...months..years of agony i have beared alone ensued. I became a recluse.
I had been drugged, shoved into the bathroom stall and had my penis's tip cut off with an exacto blade or knife. To this day i have no idea what happened and i have not filed a police report. My personal theory is that my penis was cut off and taken as a trophy by a homosexual psycopath.
For the next 17 years i would break off ties with everyone, self harm to the point of exposing my arteries through cut muscles, have 0 friends, try to commit suicide 11 times and everytime either passing out or chickening out.
17 years ago i was dehumanized, and since then i have lived the life of a non-persona. I have focused on a career lately and have managed to maintain financial stability. For the past 5 years i have joined support groups and done numerous volunteering jobs around the world. I am for once, successful, and rather okay
I expect a lot of questions so let me answer in advance:
I have seen many doctors and the only viable options seem to be implants and prosthesis attachments. I have a glans implant which can be detached at any point but hurts when used. I sometimes wear it around the house to feel whole and normal.
No i have not had sex with anyone since. Yes i can achieve orgasm. No i cannot masturbate due to physical inability to feel anything there. I try to spend 99% of my time ignoring the length and look of my organ. I can achieve orgasm through meditation and anal stimulation.
No i have not told anyone ever.
No i have not contacted anyone that ever knew me. Changed my name 2 times in 2 states.
No i am not suicidal.
Am i happy? No. But i feel less anger and more calm than before...which is..nice but not enjoyable. I am in emotional limbo and that is progress for now.
IF YOU PLAN ON DRINKING IN PUBLIC BE AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES AS THEY CAN BE SEVERE. STAY AWAY FROM BAD NAME CLUBS AND ALWAYS HAVE FRIENDS WITH YOU THAT CAN WATCH YOUR DRINKS.
TLDR: got drunk, was careless, got drugged, beat and had my penis' glans cut off with a sharp object.
Downundermonkey: Do you harbor any animosity to the gay community as a whole for this or do you see it as 'it was just one twisted individual?'
Edit: reword.
Thor_of_Asgaard: OP thinks this was an attack by a twisted gay man but this almost sounds like an example of a hate crime against gays. If you think about it, guy goes to gay bar and drugs someone he thinks is gay then makes it impossible to ever have sex again. This was before gay rights was big from what OP said so an outsider would just assume anyone in the bar was gay, and it aligns with some of the horrific things done to gays back then.
thrownawaysadness1: > his almost sounds like an example
I will honestly never know. I don't want to know. Its forgotten, it's forgiven. I've been dealt this card, and this card i will bear for the rest of my life. No amount of "finding the truth" will ever change irreparable damage. What would finding out get me? more pain most likely.
Monkeyweather: That is one of the strongest statements I have ever heard.
MorbidMongoose: I agree. That's a level of acceptance that shows a strength of character I only could wish to have. Respect, OP.
| 6 | 104.5 | |
1404436366 | 1404450436 | t3_29sgqn | t5_2to41 | 59 | [deleted]: TIFU by becoming an alcoholic
CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvuasjjrBAbgYl3Fs9jxsECk2CkcaeFfoCilquBRdpqwzUQ6WBP0MwFx2UAZTVLvu
cacille: As a nonbeliever- this gave me a great chuckle. Thank you.
catsrule362: As a nonbeliever, it was one of the most uncomfortable situations of my life.
cacille: I know the feeling well. My job is in Korea and while here, I've joined a choir because I like singing.
It isn't a Christian choir specifically, but it IS in a church for practices.
They pray before and after the practice.
I just have to sit there silently - the wolf in a pack of sheep.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1404436855 | 1404526536 | t3_29shek | t5_2to41 | 15 | supermegadad: TIFU by looking up an ex on Facebook and seeing that she now has a daughter who looks just like me.
I had a relationship with this woman and we broke it off. We ran into each other a few years later when I was married to someone else and so on and so on.
This happened a few more times and it came down to the big choice, and I chose to stay married.
She moved on, and I thought I did too. I just looked her up on Facebook and she appears to have married and has two kids, and the oldest girl looks just like me (I am of a specific ethnicity that shows big when I have babies with white women). There's no way she and her Topher Grace husband had a kid like this naturally.
So: I think I have a 10-year-old daughter I never knew about, and I have to wonder why the mother never contacted me, for child support or otherwise, and I wonder if I should reach out and take on that combination of parenthood and complications.
credx90: leave it be, she raised her without your help till now, no need to fuck up her relationship with her husband
Xezlec: He could test the waters and see what she thinks. Maybe she's struggling.
| 3 | 5 | |
1404438260 | 1404489568 | t3_29sjb6 | t5_2to41 | 62 | holyfuckisnapped: TIFU and beat up a girl from class, may fail math
I flunked the fuck out of math last year, and now I'm stuck in summer school. God, the kids who get summer school are the meanest fuckers, and I'm trapped with them. There's this girl in our class, let's call her Brit. Brit's always trash talking people in the class behind their backs, or sometimes to their faces if they seem like they won't do anything about it. As the quiet girl who just wants to be left alone and draw, I am one of these targets. She picks on the poor kids, ugly kids, fat kids, and of course, the wimpy kids. (That's me!) She makes fun of me for being short a lot. Whatever. Fuck her.
Class let out today, and I went to pee real quick in the girls room. I was washing my hands when Brit came in. She "accidentally" splashed me with the sink, accused me of taking a huge dump, all that kind of bitch stuff. Whatever. I just needed to dry my hands so I could go home and pretend she doesn't exist.
Then she went too far.
I'll spare you the details, but she started making fun of my brother (He has down's syndrome. He came with my mom to pick me up the other day and I guess she saw him). Oh wow, that made me mad. I've been a non-violent girl for all of my life, but this set me the fuck off. I grabbed her by the hair and wrestled her to the floor (I didn't even care that it was a disgusting public bathroom floor, or that she's way bigger than me). She was screaming, so I started to push her face into the tile. She grabbed my shirt. I broke her grip, pushed her back down, and kicked her in the vajayjay.
Now she was lying on the nasty-ass floor in a moaning heap. I stared for a moment in total disbelief of what I'd done and then took off running. My mom was there to pick me up. Thank god, let's gtfo.
I know Reddit loves stories about beating up bullies, but I don't feel very good about what I did, and I feel like I'm going to get in deep shit for this. If I get kicked out of this class, I'll never get a chance to pass. Also, I feel bad about the violence.
DramDemon: I would do the same. I have a little sister with downs and she is annoyingaf but if people make fun of her its over. You did the right thing, and if they kick you out they are assholes. You can go to another school.
churrobro: It doesn't even matter if your (or OP's) sibling has a mental disability, if someone is making fun of your family, you don't accept it. There is teasing, and then there is just straight up bullying.
DramDemon: I've never had someone tease my family, and I honestly don't know why they would. But you are right, it doesn't matter if they are normal or have a disability of some kind. I just used that as an example to show that I empathize with what OP did.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1404439393 | 1404532555 | t3_29sksd | t5_2to41 | 24 | bxtk: TIFU by missing every sign.
Let's start with some background information. First of all, today is when it hit me, not when the signs were given. That was years ago. Second of all, I usually give great relationship and social advice, to the extent that people on my HS school bus thought I was a psychic.
But apparently, I am blind to present and future when it involves me. Also, it's worth noting that until this past year, I was awkward as fuck in all situations.
I had a friend once who I fell for, but I never said anything because I didn't want to risk the friendship. They were my best friend at the time, and all of my friends were mostly there because of her. There were a lot of them, because she was probably the most popular girl in my school.
* We could finish each other's sentences within a couple of weeks, and I've never had another person know what I'm thinking so well.
* She asked to hold my hand by proposing a singalong to "I Wanna Hold Your Hand." The Beatles are my favorite band.
* Through the latter half of the last year we were in school together, everyone said we were secretly dating, in love, etc. She never denied it.
* She had a plan to make valentines for the whole class and put them in their lockers. She "decided it would be too much work" and just made the one, which she gave to me.
* We had a clothing design project in a class together. I was not in a group with her, but she physically dragged me over to watch her model the wedding dress she and her group had made.
* Also, she had me hold her hair bow, which no one else has touched to date without getting a right cross.
* Took it as a challenge to get a hug from me (to date, I have only hugged 6 people who were not family). She eventually won.
* Turned down no less than a half dozen prom proposals. Got one from me and instantly said yes.
* "[/u/bxtk] is mine."
* On a regular basis, some variation of, "I love people who [do a thing I literally just did]."
* Got dared to kiss me in a game of truth or dare; she did.
* Finally, the hardest thing to miss, but somehow I did: "I love you, [/u/bxtk]"
DramDemon: So how did it hit you? Just random thoughts?
bxtk: I was with some friends who were talking about their relationships in that time period. That got me thinking, and then it suddenly hit me.
DramDemon: That sucks big time. Depending on how long ago it was and/or your current relationship status you could always try to get in touch with her again. Even if something prohibits you guys from mending it to the same level you could always have a good laugh about it.
6romperstomper9: Look, I seriously think that she saw you as her gay best friend.
bxtk: It was fairly well-known that I liked girls, but I felt the need to keep exactly who a secret.
Of course, literally every person in our year would have said with some certainty that it was her by the end of the year.
6romperstomper9: I don't think you are gay, If I thought so I'd say so.
bxtk: Not saying you did, but I *am* OP.
6romperstomper9: Do you really think they were signs? Or is it just a learning curve?
bxtk: Nothing could come of it at this point, so I never really thought about it.
I see signs better now, and in retrospect those things looked like signs to modern me. I have an excellent memory, but I am only human and I might simply be reading into it what I expect to see, and not observing objectively.
Really, only she can answer your question with certainty.
| 10 | 2.4 | |
1404439763 | 1404442198 | t3_29sla7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | spirit_of_vengeance: TIFU by sexting with crush
Handsome_White_Jesus: Bro you gotta tag what's yurs!
spirit_of_vengeance: Thank you Jezus
| 3 | 1 | |
1404440874 | 1404448555 | t3_29smpt | t5_2to41 | 7 | cwbshorty: TIFU by betting my roommate the city fireworks were on the 4th
rzmohno: ... it's the 3rd, dude.
cwbshorty: what are you trying to get at?
rzmohno: She said they are on the 4th.
You bet (presumably against).
They are tonight.
It is the 3rd.
What am I missing here?
cwbshorty: This happened before they started. Like I said. I'm ignant
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1404439319 | 1404450041 | t3_29skoq | t5_2to41 | 12 | Muwr: TIFU by grabbing a pan.
So, here's to popping my reddit-post cherry! Cheers!
My fuck-up of today -
Preface: Mom made killer meatloaf. I'm not from down South, so I'm not used to cast-iron skillets being used in the oven. It just isn't something widely practiced where I'm from, I guess. (Southern Cali for anyone wondering)
Fuck-up: When the meatloaf was served, it was served in the cast-iron pan it was cooked in. The pan was roughly 400 degrees. I grabbed the spatula with one hand and grabbed the pan with the other - unprotected - hand. Why did I do this? I personally haven't the foggiest, but I grabbed the pan nonetheless. The pain registered as omgwtfdidyoudo in about one one-millionth of a second and still took about 500,000 millionths longer to register.
Four hours and several cold washings later, it hurts using my thumb to type this message. Yay for modern technology and the invention of the smartphone!
tl;dr-I grabbed an incredibly hot pan with my bare hand. It almost rhymed!
ThatThingUForgot: If it starts to blister whatever you do don't pop the blisters it means you have a second degree burn and the fluid inside the blister will help heal the burn.
Muwr: Woo! Thanks for that. It wasn't quite bad enough to blister, luckily. I probably wouldn't have popped them anyways. Unless it's acne, I don't mess with it, as a general rule of thumb. Lol.
ThatThingUForgot: No problem i like to play with fire a bit to much for my own good so I'm well acquainted with burns. Just remember red puffy means first degree blister is second anything past that get to a hospital.
| 4 | 3 | |
1404451874 | 1404529054 | t3_29t0dm | t5_2to41 | 11 | jcaits: TIFU by keeping my job
My company just slashed hours to 'optimize sales opportunities'. When this announcement was made, I was on vacation and knew absolutely nothing about what was going on, and couldn't get any answers from anyone in regards to whether come the switch day, I still had hours, when those may be and even if I still had a job. Today, my first day back, I tried again to get in contact with someone and still no luck.
Finally, I go on lunch break and about 10 minutes in I get a text message from our team leader that just said 'I'm at the store, need to talk to you ASAP'. In my head, I'm thinking this is it, I'm officially fucked over and I'm losing my job.
I get back to the store and my co-worker is no where to be seen, just the team leader is at the store. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. I get stopped from entering the store:
'Coworker #1 has been relieved of their duties, effective immediately and Coworker #2 will be leaving as of the 6th. I will be getting people in to assist you, but I'm expecting you to take a leadership role in the store until we get everything settled. (My manager quit while I was away, also.) I feel like shit that everyone is gone, but I really needed this job.
TL;DR: went on vacation, everyone got fired. Now have a buttload of work for no pay raise, and feel like crap that my coworkers who I thought of as friends lost their jobs.
REMEMBER__MY__NAME: Go on a 1 man strike.
Tscha: Krammer it!
AnUchihaDuckling: I actually just saw that episode today. Hahaha
Tscha: TBS? haha me too
AnUchihaDuckling: The most connection I've ever had with another Redditor. Cool beans
Tscha: Shh don't speak..it's better this way steve.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1404454888 | 1404456927 | t3_29t3k0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | 69username69: TIFU by eating eight nectarines in a single sitting
I was just popping them. I ate them and they hated me for it. A few hours later they got their revenge. My asshole burns and I'm reposting this because a moment ago I posted "Today I fucked up" instead of TIFU.
DETRITUS_TROLL: Your colon thanks you.
Edit: Damn auto correct.
ZeGermanDoctor: *Must.....resist.......being....pedantic.....*
DETRITUS_TROLL:
What?
ZeGermanDoctor: your*
DETRITUS_TROLL: Fucking auto correct.
ZeGermanDoctor: Sure.....
| 7 | 0.571429 | |
1404458680 | 1404468490 | t3_29t791 | t5_2to41 | 11 | MarkNutt1218: TIFU by letting my dream girl know I love her.
So here's what happend.
A while back I met my dream girl. Buetiful, athletic, nerdy, Literaly a girl version of me. So we became friends and all is well in the universe. Slowly as we hung out I fell for her, blah blah you know how it goes. So once I finally realized I had fallen for her, (should be noted that this was very special to me, as I'm gynophobic, look it up and laugh at me if you want), she got her phone back and we started talking again. She told me she met a wonderful guy that's into all the something's she's into. Que sad me. Told my best friend the world, about this, he asked me if I wanted him to tell her. I said yes because I'm a gynophobe, and a pansy. He tell hers and she said and I quote, "Not to sound like an ass, but I don't really care about how he feels about me, I'm not into him in anyway". So yeah today I fucked up.
And if non of you belive me, bestfriend has a reddit acount also, and pictures of the chat for verification.
Update: haven't spoken to her directly about it yet, but had an new incident today.
Was at a home town buffet, and got yelled at because of my race. On the Fourth of July (American holiday for those in other parts of the world). So yeah, America is a land of equal oppertunity, for the multi racial, and the mildly attractive.
jcjacquez: I think a bunch of other redittors and I feel you bro.
MarkNutt1218: Thanks. It's heard for me to me to get really comfortable around women (see gynophobia), and she just made me super comfortable, and well happy. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm haveing trouple moveing on.
jcjacquez: I've had this happen about three times to me. You learn to move on quickly ;)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1404462124 | 1404463956 | t3_29ta6a | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by erasing a meme entry on Know your meme
5 months ago, I submitted a meme entry titled 'I hate my job'. It garnered 18,000 views and is being researched.
Yesterday I wanted to write a new meme entry (from the show Darkplace, remember 'Central Park can be very dangerous at night'?)
It had been a long while since i wrote my last meme, so I decided I'd copy-paste the formatting and edit things accordingly.
So I entered in the info I researched and submitted it.
Today I opened it to see if it has any updates. 107 comments and so many stars, and... 18,000 views?
I was at first pleasantly surprised till I realized I erased the past, super-well-researched meme entry and replaced it with this crock of shit.
I don't know how to remedy this
tl;dr: thought I added a new meme entry but instead I replaced a previous one with it
Muttopoly: Why don't you just replace it again with the original Meme?
Jon-Osterman: the text is gone, poof!
Muttopoly: I'm not gay, ass!
Jon-Osterman: wait what the hell?
edit: isn't this what 'poof' means?
http://daybreakservices.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/poof1.jpg
Muttopoly: Haha I was just jesting, but here in Australia, people use the slur 'poof' to call someone gay.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1404461473 | 1404501092 | t3_29t9n2 | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally typing youporn.com instead of youtube.com when my GF's mom was right next to me.
I was trying to show my GF's mom a funny video on youtube but my fucking muscle memory typed in youporn.com on the url instead. I exited out as fast as I could but it was already too late and the damage was done. I was choking from the tension of the air.
Fuck me sideways.
Brasshole43: Should've just played it off, and showed her some disgusting porn lol
Imsorryforfarting: We briefly saw a pop-up of a live webcam girl masturbating with a dildo. That was enough for me.
Superwhyyy: No you didnt, you would need to not have adblock to see that.
coool12121212: Newsflash, not everyone has adblock. Also adblock doesn't always work with pop ups
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1404465086 | 1404616826 | t3_29tcgj | t5_2to41 | 235 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a blowjob
So I had the house to myself today and thought I'd kick it with my gf. We're just chilling and one thing leads to another. She starts taking off my pants when she reaches into her pocket and pulls out those dissolvable Listerine strips. She pops one of those in her mouth and then proceeds to blow me. Problem is that she went down before the strip completely dissolved. The partially dissolved strip of minty death latches on to my dick and begins to transform my junk into the arctic circle. I've never experienced such an awful minty, fiery sensation on my dick before and I hope I never do again
[deleted]: I blame Cosmopolitan.
kumlord: +1 cosmo tells girls that men like prostate message just to fuck with us don't they.
FootofOrion: Oh get over your homophobia and try it. It doesn't make you gay and does feel pretty nifty.
kumlord: Fucking goats feels good too , You should try it. It doesn't make you gay either!
FootofOrion: I'm rolling my eyes right now. Besides, if I were to fuck a goat it'd be a female one.
| 6 | 39.166667 | |
1404467954 | 1404468283 | t3_29tepu | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by stalking a girl on Facebook that I was meeting the next day
I must have relived this situation a million times in my head since, cringing every single time. It's horrible.
So about two weeks ago I'm randomly teamed up for a group Uni project with a few other people. It's just me, 2 other guys, and a rather attractive girl (let's call her Sarah). So we're briefly introduced to each other at the end of class, and organised to meet up the next day to gather ideas for the team project.
So I'm sitting in bed that night and can't sleep, so I decide to quickly look up Sarah on facebook. It doesn't take me long to find her. *Luckily* for me, Sarah has one of those public profiles where I can see virtually all of her photos. So I search around a bit and come across her ["Summer 2011" album](http://i.imgur.com/JNOMb.gif). Aww yiss. Bikini's, tanning shots, hot friends everywhere. A few seconds later I find a nice pic of her and her twins, and get down to business. I finish, and then almost instantly I'm fast asleep.
I wake up a little late the next morning, and remember I have to go meet my group for the assignment. So I rush in to Uni and meet them. We go through a few of the assignment questions, allocate tasks, etc. and then we decide to wrap it up. One of the guys suggests we make a Facebook group as it's an easy way to discuss the questions. Fair enough.
So I ask Sarah what her surname is so I can look it up on Facebook and add her (I already know this, but I figure it'd look a bit creepy if I already knew her full name). Sarah has a pretty unique surname with an odd spelling, so she snatches my phone out of my hand and pulls up facebook so she can type it in herself. She then gives me a really strange look - it was a look of surprise that then morphed into disgust and one that I'll never forget. "What the fuck is this?" She said. This catches the attention of the guys in my group. She turns my phone to face me.
There it is. The photo I'd fapped to the night before. Just Sarah on the beach, smiling in her bikini from her Summer 2011 album. It had popped right up when she'd opened up my facebook app.
FUCK.
I've got nothing to say. That was the sickest I've ever felt in my life, I feel like vomiting just thinking back on it.
But the next week was just as bad - I had to finish this project with Sarah and the group and their bitter looks of disgust every time they laid eyes on me. Not fun.
I guess the saving grace is that I'll (hopefully) never have to deal with these people again and this fuck up can sink slowly into the archives of TIFU.
tl;dr Met a girl, fapped to her facebook photo, she grabbed my phone and the pic I fapped to popped up.
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/RapidGregariousAmphiuma](http://gfycat.com/RapidGregariousAmphiuma)
---
^(GIF size: 1.05 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:225.18 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
lzass: I was so excited when I thought that link would go to her profile
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404468448 | 1404501561 | t3_29tf3f | t5_2to41 | 137 | ImmaRussian: TIFU by buying potatoes.
At work today we ran out of potatoes. My boss asked me if I had a vehicle; I told him I did, so he gave me forty dollars and asked me to run down to the store and buy 80 count potatoes. Alright, I can do that. He said they should be "About that big, nothing too huge", and he said if I could get bags that would be ideal; they would be cheaper that way. So I go to the store and I'm looking at all of the potato options they have.
I see individually wrapped potatoes, just basic potatoes, little potatoes, huge potatoes, and bags of potatoes that look promising. I count about 10 potatoes per bag, and it looks like 40 dollars will get me about 8 bags of them. They're a bit bigger than what I'm shooting for, but it looks like my options are "Spuds the Size of Your Ex's Soul", "Large'ish Potatoes", or "Gargantuan Titan Taters."
So I get 8 bags of the big potatoes. I lug them all back to my car and pile them in the passenger seat, and I drive this weird potato-person back to work and take the first four bags into the kitchen. My boss sees me and says "Whoa, that is a LOT of potatoes."
"Really? Because I have four more bags in my car still."
And she just starts cracking up on the spot.
Today I learned that in potato-lingo, "Get 80 count potatoes" DOES NOT MEAN GET 80 POTATOES.
80-COUNT IS A SIZE MEASUREMENT, NOT A DISCRETE QUANTITATIVE MEASUREMENT.
Infant_Infidel: I love how you try to make yourself look smart by saying "discrete quantitative measurement," or whatever, while telling a story about how you're too stupid to know what is meant by "80 count potatoes".
I *like* it.
ImmaRussian: That was not the point of the story at all...
I'm not trying to say 'Look how stupid I am, I don't know the potato-lingo', I'm just trying to say "I bought 80 fucking potatoes because of a communications error, and I think that's funny."
Infant_Infidel: I don't think it was a "communications error," but that's just my opinion.
And I'm just saying, I understand what "point" you were trying to make, but whether you wanted it to or not, it still makes you look *pretty* stupid.
ImmaRussian: YOUR WORDS ARE HURTFUL. I WAS HAVING A POTATO MOMENT AND YOU MASHED MY POTATOES.
Laurasiaaaa: I WOULD OF BOUGHT 80 POTATOES TOO. IT SOUNDED LIKE 80 POTATOES
kaylahatesmustard: I too would have bought 80 potatoes... What does 80 count mean? HOW MANY POTATOES IS THAT?!?!!?
lamarrotems: 80?
| 8 | 17.125 | |
1404471680 | 1404521728 | t3_29thr2 | t5_2to41 | 45 | idamnedit: TIFU: By trusting my manager
I am a devops engineer contractor. I basically get assigned to a project and get paid for the hours I work. Most projects are 40 hours a week. So, if you finish your 40 hours in 4 days you get the 5th day off. Sometimes projects give you extrended work weeks where you can do 40+ hours and you get paid for every hour you work.
Being a devops engineer with a broad background sometimes you are in demand and lucky. In these situations you can get assigned to 2 projects at the same time. This was the case with me. I got assigned to a second project half time. So in theory I could work 60 hours a week, 40 on the full and 20 on the half.
Now I had heard rumor of other places where if you worked over your 40 hours on 2 seperate projects, rather than pay you your proper rate for the hours you worked they would reduce your bill rate, so on payday you would get paid the same as 40 hrs even though you worked 60.
So before I started doing extra I asked my manager about that very issue. He looked at me puzzled. He understood what I said, but assured me that my company doesn't do that. So I did my extra work. Today I checked my account. My pay check came in and guess what. It was for 40 hours and not the 60 I did. Ugh.
I warned my manager about this type of thing. I said they get one screw up. So come Monday I will let him know that I was not paid properly. However, I will not be working a second over 40 hours.
itschrisreed: The extra 20 should be overtime at 1.5 times base pay.
idamnedit: Not with tge type of work I do. IT work falls outside that rule. I am a mix between hourly and salary. I never get paid overtime. They call it extended work week when one works extra hours on just one project.
TeachMeHowToDommy: Is that legal?
idamnedit: As far as I know it is. It is the type of employee I am. IT is in that weird expempt or non exempt status where I cant get time and a half. I am, however, supposed to get paid for the hours I work, so long as it is in the contract with the client. It is complicated. Basically if I was on just one project I get paid for 40 hours so long as I work 40. If I work 50 hours on that one project I get paid for 40. Just like a salary employee. If the project has extended work week, I get paid for the extra hours up to a point. My situation was different. I had 2 projects. One 40hours the other 20. So I can work 60 without extended work week. It is unusual for a person to be in this situation, so payroll fucked up. My gripe is that my manager knew what I was doing 3 weeks ago. I had been through this before and I warned him it would happen. He said to not worry about it. So now I am in the I told you so position.
| 5 | 9 | |
1404457735 | 1404495057 | t3_29t6cl | t5_2to41 | 14 | i_forgot_my_towel: TIFU by eating baby food
Ok, technically this was a few days ago, and may actually be two separate fuck ups in one.
So at some point in the last few weeks, I bought my toddler those over-priced little Gerbers puff snack things. He like them, so I figured I'd grab a few more containers when I wound up back at the store again the next day. Yay, the pickiest kid on the planet is eating, dance a jig, huzzah.
When I got the first can, I read every ingredient since my son and I both have food allergies (though not to the same thing), and I specifically picked a flavor with no triggers. No big deal, right? Yeah, the next fucking day I just grabbed cans and didn't look at the labels. That was my first fuck-up.
Turns out 2 of the flavors have FUCKING IDENTICAL labels, aside from the fine print of the flavor. So we get home, I open a can and hand it to him to keep him half-way entertained while his daddy and I make dinner, and everything is going great.
After a bit he starts pitching a fit and insists on sharing this new amazing treat with Mommy. So I bend down, let him shove a drool-covered half-eaten puffed corn thing in my mouth, and remark to my hubby that they're actually quite good.
Within seconds, my mouth is on fire and my throat is swelling up. I rinsed, popped Benadryl and an epipen and we headed to the ER. By the time I got there, I was shaking like a leaf, every inch of my body was itching, and my oxygen levels were down to 75%. ER staff patched me up and sent me home, and we threw out the puffs.
TL;DR: Baby food almost killed me. FML.
LittlesLittles_Esq: Peach and sweet potato have pretty identical labels, IIRC.
I hope you're feeling better!
i_forgot_my_towel: Thanks, I'm pretty much good to go now, but I was shaky for a few days. And yeah, Gerber really needs to make those labels more distinct.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404471613 | 1404523197 | t3_29thp3 | t5_2to41 | 38 | Patch3y: TIFU by accidentally showing my best friend my Dick.
We were jamming to some tunes we were working on, him on Guitar and myself on the Drums.
He told me he came up with a riff that would blow my shorts off. He played it and I immediately jumped up and ripped my shorts down...however I was wearing slightly loose boxers and they snagged on my shorts and went right down with them. I stood there for a second and pulled my shorts back up and started to laugh because I didn't know what else to do.
Xezlec: Based on capitalization, I can only assume you mean you showed him a person named Richard.
Patch3y: Maybe I named it :)
Xezlec: Ah, that makes sense.
| 4 | 9.5 |
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