start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1404468741 | 1404631452 | t3_29tfbp | t5_2to41 | 69 | EAT_ME_NEVER: TIFU by taking adderall and being hygenic.
So when I have company over, I like to clean first... As most people do. Well I had an amazing idea to go on a turbo mother fucking cleaning spree! All I would need was one adderall.... Good thing I had one on deck! So I got to cleaning every nook and corner and moved onto the next dirty spot! My best friend finally arrived, and dinner ensued. Tequila followed. We finally get ready for our special evening out! Hair done, faces done, brushed my teeth and THEN... Oh motherfucking then. I saw it. MY toothbrush standing up all yellow and cute, next to my boyfriend'a blue one. WHAT THE FUCK IS IN MY MOUTH THEN?! Oh just the orange toothbrush. My last toothbrush that I decided to put under the sink when I got a new one. The orange toothbrush that I used to scrub the scum from THE ENTIRE SINK that very same evening! That includes the yellow slime that sits right next to the drain but never goes down until you scrub the shit out of it. Yeah. I brushed my teeth with that.
Today I fucked up.
SquiddyTheMouse: > yellow slime that sits right next to the drain
Yeah, I don't think that sinks are supposed to have that...
EAT_ME_NEVER: Maybe grime is a better word.
SquiddyTheMouse: Oh, fair enough.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1404475292 | 1404478839 | t3_29tkne | t5_2to41 | 5 | GreyNietzsche: TIFU: being nice to a new co-worker
I work at a local supermarket, not a big one so I know everyone I work with. I met my girlfriend on the workfloor. So at the end of a friday I guess we were all called into the lunchroom and we met a new guy. He was about 23, I was 25 at the time and I'll just call him Joe. So over the course of the next few months I get really close with Joe, we go out for drinks, he is nice to my girlfriend. All well and good. A certain night he came up to me after work and asked if he could stay over for a few weeks because I couldn't pay his rent. His mother had cancer and he gave most of his salary to her. Of course I let him into my house, he cooked, he cleaned, we watched movies, he was like a male girlfriend but without the kissing and sex. You get the point. Well reddit, I fucked up that day.
A few months later, I asked my girlfriend to marry me, Joe wasn't living at ours anymore and we all still worked at the local supermarket. Now I expected "yes", but I heard "sorry". It turned out, Joe had raped my girlfriend in the two weeks he stayed at ours. She was traumatized and couldn't find the courage to tell me, she told me she wanted to break up and find some professional help. I was on the edge of suicide that night.
In a moment of pure rage I decided to look for Joe, I knew where he lived and I drove my car so fucking fast to his shithole appartment that I (luckily) forgot to bring a knife or bat with me. I rang his doorbell, he opened and I hit him straight in the eye socket, multiple times, he was screaming and crying but I couldn't hear his fucking voice. I kept jamming my fist into his pussy little eyeball, it swole up like a bloody and bruised cotton ball. When I walked to my car to look for something to bash in his head with he got into his car and drove away. I was too sad and angry and in panic that I didn't chase him.
A few weeks later my brother called me, he asked me why I was so depressed. I told him; If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?
tomatofarm: This seemed forced
[deleted]: That's what she said?
kiba9: Too soon...
[deleted]: *Too
| 5 | 1 | |
1404472892 | 1404510481 | t3_29tip9 | t5_2to41 | 25 | songssohiaa: TIFU by sleeping with a 48 year old woman
Alright so this happened a few days ago and I don't know if its quite up to par with some of the posts on here but I think there's enough intrigue for it to find a place here. I'm a 26 year old male, I work 6 days a week at one of the gas stations in a small town. I get off at midnight just about every day, as a result my social and therefore sex life, both of which weren't that great to begin with are a bit lacking right now.
So the other night I got off at midnight and realized once again there wasn't much to do. After about a half hour or so I figured I might as well go buy a bottle and go from there. So I walk to the nearest liquor store and start making my purchases. I grab a bottle of coke and an older woman comes up. She's apparently seen me at the gas station I work at, she's hanging out with people and she asks me to join them. I think for a second, she's older but attractive, I have nothing to do that would be any better, and well who doesn't like a random hangout every now and again.
So I get in the car and apparently she doesn't really know anyone that well, they found her at a bar earlier. Weird. Anyways we take a cab back to one of the guys house and hang out. Its three guys and the girl, I know no one and I just kind of roll with it. After a bit of time and Jim Beam I start to get a feel for the people. There's a blind 27 year old, a 32 year old nicknamed Bama (he moved here from Alabama hence the nickname) who at first looks like he's neurotic and possibly on coke but is actually pretty down to Earth when he talks, and another guy who looks like a 45 year old version of Gus from Recess. I tend to get along with the blind guy and Bama but Gus is a bit hostile because he's trying to get with the girl and I was a threat. Pretty much everything this Gus guy is saying is irritating me in my drunken state. He mentions he's from Boston and spent time in Maine like 7 times and as a direct quote says, "there are three things I'm good at, playing basketball, growing weed, and eating pussy." I would always hate anyone who said that but again this guy looks like a 45 year old version of Gus from Recess... and he's got a goddamm flip phone Jesus Christ you can get a decent smartphone no contract for a hundred dollars. I mean seriously I feel like if you had at least one of those skills (mainly growing weed) you could afford a goddamn decent phone.
Anyways I'm getting off subject here. The night goes on about how I've mentioned it. We're all pretty drunk and talking all sorts of bullshit. We eventually get a cab for her, a bit ago we'd talked about how we live close and we should split a cab so once the cab shows up I go to get in. Gus comes out he's getting in my face about it, I get back in his face telling him that me and her live right next to each other, he kind of accepts that then tries to get in the drivers seat. At this point he sees the girl is already sitting there. He instantly becomes apologetic and then goes back into the house.
She tells the cab to go back to her place and so we do. We're having drunken conversation and drink some beers and eventually go back to her room. We get kind of sexy and then I go for it, she tells me she can't just go straight for sex and that she needs foreplay first. So I go for the foreplay, I move my way down and go to eat her out. Give about a minute there and nothing's going (I'm a little out of practice). So I give up and continue with other less difficult foreplay. Eventually she's ready to fuck but she needs a condom. Luckily I've had a condom in my wallet in my wallet for 6 months and I'm super happy to use it. So we fuck but I'm drunk as hell so there's no way in hell I'm cumming. Eventually I get the "you're not done yet" and I respond with "ya I don't think I'm gonna" ... it pretty much ended there.
I wake up a couple hours later, its pretty hot and she's got a couple dogs that are running around the room and had just made short work of my shoelaces. I can't go back to sleep and its a bit awkward so I decide to bail. I put my clothes back on and leave a nice note with my phone number on it. Well at least I meant it to be a nice note with my phone number on it I was still drunk. I take off and walk home. After a bit I realize my wallet's not there, I try to go back and find the house but its a no go. Its cool though I left my number. here's the thing though I tend to mix up the last 4 digits of my phone number. I checked my phone number, I gave her the wrong digits. So here I am I have no clue where her house is because I was drunk and apparently all the houses/streets in that area look the same. There was 360 dollars in that wallet, again I work at a gas station.
TLDR: I think this story is too long, I'm a little drunk while I'm writing it so I blame that. Basically I left my wallet with 360 dollars in it in a woman's house after sneaking out the back and accidentally leaving the wrong number.
Edit: I should have proofread before posting
bubbleberry1: Call the number you wrote down and talk to the person who answers. Explain the situation and leave your actual number. It's with a shot, no?
songssohiaa: Eh ya I didn't even get a number I just left the wrong number. I really have no means of reaching her, I would be okay with this except for the whole money thing.
bubbleberry1: Sorry to hear that. Good luck.
songssohiaa: thanks, I got my fingers crossed on this one hopefully it works out.
| 5 | 5 | |
1404473428 | 1404578506 | t3_29tj4z | t5_2to41 | 386 | TForestR: TIFU by telling my son about the ice cream truck.
And when I mean "telling my son about the ice cream truck", I mean "not telling him". You'll see...
So every so often the ice cream truck passes our street and plays it's music and all the kids outside who want to buy some obviously run toward the truck (luckily in all these instances before my FU, my son was inside the house with me). So one day he asked what the music was and I told him it's the ice cream truck, so he got excited and obviously wanted some, but I said: "sorry son, when the music is playing on the truck, it means they're all out of ice cream".
But now every time the truck comes by he wants me to drive him to the store and buy him some ice cream... and the pleading goes on for hours... and hours...
EDIT: So I just wanted to clear some things up. After reading the comments, I do want to say that this is really one of the only things that I have lied about to my kid. I buy him ice cream and have a lot of fun with him, just not from the truck. lol and the hours and hours thing of whining was just that first time, he hasn't done it since.
Whiteybulger617: Why wouldn't you just let him get some damn ice cream from the truck? You're a wack dad
Kaylossus: Our ice cream truck comes every damn day. No way am I letting my kid whine about ice cream every day. I'd rather lie about it, personally.
CuntyRetardedFaggot: Then tell your kid no and then maybe let him go buy a Choco Taco or something every once in a while. Keep it a treat for good behavior or a special occasion or something.
tea_anyone: Ah reddit the community of armchair parents
tynosaur: It is remarkably easy to dole out parenting advice if you've never had kids. Like, almost as easy as it would be if you *did* have kids, except the advice is shittier.
MMSTINGRAY: Except making your life easier isn't good parenting.
Being honest with your kid and explaining the truth about things is.
tynosaur: I think this is peoples' #1 misconception about parenting. If it were easy, everyone would be good at it.
| 8 | 48.25 | |
1404477805 | 1405276305 | t3_29tmxn | t5_2to41 | 13 | Cazelli89: TIFU by dancing in the hallway
Background: Me and my fiance live together in an apartment building. We're generally pretty silly, so, sometimes we dance like nobody's watching. All at the comfort of our apartment.
So, two days ago we're in a good mood going to work, and as I lock the door as we leave, we start doing silly dances in the hallway while waiting for the elevator (i usually imitate ballerina moves - for reference).
And, last night, as I pull up my car into the driveway, the doorman (WHO HAS FULL ACCESS TO ALL CAMERAS) pulls his head out of the security booth and says "I liked watching you guys dance the other day".
Now i'm never leaving my apartment again. Ever.
TL;DR: Danced like no one was watching. Someone was.
dancer69: Dont be embarrassed ur doorman was probably encouraged lol now one day u'll catch him dancing like no one is watching. More people should
dorkiesan: Then that'll mean everyone is watching.
dancer69: It doesnt matter should still dance like no one is.
dorkiesan: Nice name btw
dancer69: Thank you
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1404483928 | 1404511918 | t3_29ttpg | t5_2to41 | 293 | Lloydthrowaway: TIFU by being a virgin and having practice sex with my roommate, getting caught by the girl I wanted to have sex with.
I was a very quiet kid at school. I had a huge crush on this girl, *Natasha. She was always into me, but I was very quiet to even talk to her. She always tried to talk to me, but I not only whisper, I end the conversation by walking away.
Fast forward 10 years, I am now a 24 year old manager at a local pub. I talk all the time, I am a more confident person than I was back then. But, I had a huge problem, still, I lacked experience in sex. I was a virgin.
Anyway, I met Natasha at the pub I work in. I haven't seen her in person since the last day at school and she looked as beautiful as ever. (We have been facebook friends though). She spotted me and came up and gave me a huge smile. I returned one and went to talk to her. I apologized for my quietness all those years ago and I promised to make it up to her.
We started hanging out for almost two weeks now and I can see from her, that she wanted to have sex. But I didn't have much experience. So I tried to sway away whenever Natasha makes a move.
I live in an apartment with my close friend and roommate *Georgia. She has been a friend of mine for a long time, and we both always have each other's backs when one of us is down. Her boyfriend is a wrestler, who wrestles in an American independent company. So he's been gone for a few months. (I live in Australia)
Last night, Natasha dropped me off home after one of our hangouts, and Georgia, as always, asked me how it went. I told her straight out, I haven't had much sex before and I was afraid to suck in bed. She gave me a look and stayed that way for a minute or two. She came to, and asked if I had a condom. I told her of course I do. Georgia stood up and said, "I'll teach you how to have sex, come in my room." I immediately declined, saying it was a bad idea. She said, and these were her exact words,
**"you want to fuck, I want to be fucked, so I'll teach you how to fuck."**
She also said that me and Natasha haven't officially gone out yet, so it's no big deal. I gave in and went in her room. We fucked for about an hour, mainly going through a number of positions. I laughed so many times because it was pretty awkward. But after learning how to fuck, she wanted to be satisfied. So I fucked her as hard as I could, feeling amazed at this newfound skill I have.
As I was going to town, I heard a loud gasp at Georgia's bedroom door. It was Natasha. She ran out. I quickly flew off Georgia and covered myself. I don't why Natasha came back to my place, but I assume to check out my place, since I told her that night to come over whenever she felt like. Georgia was very apologetic and comforted me, I felt so stupid to take her up on sex training.
Now I'm at home, trying to ring her and facebook msg her and no answer. I think I just destroyed what we could've had, all because I was a big douche.
*names are fake
**TL;DR** trying to practice having sex with my roommate so I can have great sex with the girl I am in love with.
Amateur_Gyno: So she walked right into your place?? You dont see something wrong with that?
tetrahydrocanada: He told her to come over whenever, I don't think she's some trespasser stalker creep or anything.
kralrick: You still have to knock/ring the door bell. If no one answers you don't just walk in.
tetrahydrocanada: Of course, but I don't think it's as big a red flag as we're making it seem.
"Bro! She obviously doesn't respect your privacy or personal space, you're totally better off without her!"
LCisBack: No, its obvious fucking bullshit because nobody, no matter how good a friend they are, just rolls up to someones place in the middle of the night and lets themselves in.
And they certainly don't go wandering about the house in silence so they can walk in on you fucking your roommate.
Seriously, you have to be a fucking moron to believe a word of this bullshit story.
I doubt this kid is even of legal age yet.
SunburntTurtle: I'm not saying I believe his story but me and my friends do just walk into each other's house. Hell, I've woken up in the morning to find a friend, who wasn't there the previous night, passed out the couch. It's just how we are, but I wouldn't do that to someone I just met, so yes it does happen, but not probably not like this.
TheGreatMagus: Meth is hell of a drug.
| 8 | 36.625 | |
1404484564 | 1404505453 | t3_29tuir | t5_2to41 | 42 | Lamixar: TIFU by getting bleach on my butthole (NSFW)
This happened a few years ago when I still lived with my mom. I woke up one Saturday after a night of heavy drinking with a big greasy meal at the end. I don't know how many of you have experienced the wonder that is Jägermeister, but I find it gives you the worst hangover shits possible. Combine this with a big greasy meal and you are in for a morning adventure on the toilet.
Anyways, I woke up around 10 AM with a gurgling, rumbling, bowel shaking monstrosity growing in my guts. I hopped out of bed and ran to the washroom, barely having time to pull down my shorts before I sat down and exploded.
The first rush hit the toilet hard and I felt a splash against my already burning asshole. Not a big deal right? Occasionally a hard/heavy shit will make a bit of a splash and tickle your chocolate starfish.
This splash felt different though..almost greasy. Then the burning intensified. It wasn't the usual spicy food and drinking don't mix burn, but a far more intense 'this isn't right' burn. Then I noticed a smell combined with the shit smell floating up from the toilet. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it smelled chemical.
"What the fuck!?" I thought as the brownish/black sludge continued to flow out. My asshole burning like nothing I ever experienced before. The torrent of shit finally let up and I stood up and wiped clean. My asshole still burned though, to the point where it was almost unbearable to wipe.
It was then that I noticed the bottle of bleach by the toilet. My mom had been cleaning the bathroom before I got up and had poured bleach into the toilet water without flushing it down. When the torrent of shit started it had splashed up and coated my hole with its burning love.
The burning lasted for a couple of hours, during which I laid in bed hungover with my asshole spread open towards a fan to cool it down a bit. I was finally feeling better and got up and asked my mom about it. All she could do was laugh at me.
Now I flush the toilet before I take a shit for fear that I will experience this pain again.
TLDR; bleached my asshole with toilet water.
Mynameiswhaaa: Okay so basically bleaching my asshole is a bad idea. Damn.
Lamixar: Guess you won't be posting on gonewild :(
| 3 | 14 | |
1404485943 | 1404684728 | t3_29twdt | t5_2to41 | 21 | ask_if_im_a_sandwich: TIFU by being on time for a job interview.
I'm always a "ten minutes early" type of guy, especially when it comes to job interviews. I had one scheduled at 10:00 this morning. I have another job to report to at 1:00, so I basically have to plan my whole day around this 10:00 interview. I show up at 9:50, go to a cashier, and let him know that I was here for a 10:00 interview. Ten minutes early, fuck yeah, think of the initiative I'm showing right now!
The manager wasn't in. He had gone out to run an errand. The fuck? That's okay, I can stick around. It's a small convenience store type of place so I awkwardly browse the products while I wait. The manager comes in at 10:05 and the cashier lets him know that I was here for an interview. He looks at me with a vague hint of disdain and says, "It was for 8:00 this morning."
What? 8:00? I'm two hours late? I'm 99.9% sure we had agreed on 10:00 over the phone. I'd jump in front of a train before I volunteered for an 8:00 interview. He says I can still come in the office if I want, and I follow him, apologizing a million times. We do the interview, he says there are other applicants for the position but he will let me know by the end of next week if I got the job. Yeah, like he's going to hire me now. I apologize one last time and leave without making eye contact with the cashier.
I get home and go right to my fridge. There's a note-- "Interview at xxx, Friday 10:00". I wrote that right after I got off the phone. I talk to my GF and she says she heard me say 10 on the phone, and told her the same thing right after I hung up.
So I guess it would be more accurate to say Today, He Fucked Up. Still sucks though.
Sanctuaryman: Fucking piece of shit, theres a reason that fink will never amount to anything besides being a convenience store manager. i bet he wasnt even doing work, I bet he went home to beg his fat ugly worthless wife to stop fucking the neighbor.
whotfareu: Well that escalated quickly
TheresWallace: That was way too specific to be random.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1404487595 | 1404490184 | t3_29tyl6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | kumlord: TIFU- by first asking my girlfriend if I should buy Bitcoin and then being a LAZY bastard (twice)
TIFU ....a while back.
I trade futures and forex for a living and usually never care about other peoples' opinions tips, news, calls, pumping ect. because is usually used to fuck retail traders via cnbc, bbg, wsj, reuters, newswires, twitter , you get the idea. "Never take tips" is a rule I try to live by in trading. I'm not rich but I'm not poor, I live in an ok 2 bedroom apartment in the midwest, Live a humble/modest lifestyle, and trade a low 6 figure trading account. I value freedom more than money so living modestly while I build my account is my type of gig. Some years I struggle to make a dime other years I can knock out making 20-60k. The past few years have been pretty brutal since volatility in the markets has been so low. Haven't been doing great, just paying the bills the past couple years.
To the story... For some reason I wanted my girlfriend's opinion on BTC. So one day a while back I was researching a bit on bitcoin and loved the tech and promise it had. I really wanted to invest $5k into it and just hold for 5-10 years. Anyway, she said it sounds like a scam and I didn't totally agree but decided not to buy at the time or research how to get it. I decided that at the time it was just too hard for me to figure out how to buy it without getting raped by someone on craigslist in a back alley. I didn't do the research necessary to really figure out how to get them and that is mostly my own fault for being LAZY.
Fast forward a few weeks and bitcoin is now trading at $200. Now I am fucking kicking myself and think I've missed the train for the most part. I really start digging deeper in how I could buy $5k worth of BTC just so I can be apart of the fascinating new technology and have a piece of the pie for the long term. I'm libertarian too so it all seemed like an awesome idea, decentralized, can send $100mm in min with no middleman fucking over the two parties in the transaction. ect. ect. So I go back to craigslist, also local bitcoin.com. I finally make contact with a bigger seller in my area and I email the guy saying. "I want $5,000 dollars worth of bitcoin at the price of $200 a piece." At the time the Price was literally gyrating between $200-$205. The asshole emails me back and says. "Hey man,, you don't set the price, I do. I charge 10% over the price of gox." I email back saying " by the time we meet up the price could be up or down 50 bucks, don't you take limit orders? I want to buy $5k worth at $200, so when the price hits $190 then can we do the deal and you'll get your 10% comish?" The price literally hit $185-$190 hours after that email and the asshole never replied. I said fuck it and again didn't buy.
Fast forward another month or two and the price is over $1100. At the peak my original $5k would have been worth $110,000. The best single return on any investment in my career that I have ever seen. I could finally get out of my apartment and buy a house. Currently no banks will give me a mortgage due to me being a trader and not having consistent income. This trade would have been a house for me basically.
Right now with BTC sitting at a price of around $600 It would be worth around $60,000 which is still a really nice chunk of change that I could save toward a house.
I finally bought a 50% pullback around $600. So I have $5k worth at $600 BTC for the long term. Maybe someday I can by a house, Maybe someday it will go to $1 and my girlfriend was right all along :)
Woulda coulda shoulda doesn't count for much in trading but makes for a good story I guess.
TIFU by first asking my girlfriend if I should buy bitcoin and being a LAZY bastard (twice)
Coomb: Pretty sure you would have lost your bitcoins to one of the seemingly infinite scams out there. Probably you would have continued holding them in an account on MtGOX until it blew up.
kumlord: Maybe....
knowing what I know now coldstorage is the way to go for long term. Had I bought early I probably would also be writing another TIFU story saying I fucked up by not selling at +$1000 BTC. Buy hold and forget is where the big money is made in long term investments though.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404487822 | 1404502188 | t3_29tyw8 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting my wrist at 4:30 am.
**A little bit of context:** I've been cutting for a few months now and I've kind of developed a dependence on it to sleep. Starting Monday, I've been trying to stop cutting, but it has resulted in 6 hour nights max. I won't go into why I cut, because I don't think it's relevant to the story.
So I went to bed at around 12 am. After 3½ hours tossing and turning, I decided to pick up the knife, and do my thing. So I was listening to music while cutting, and I didn't hear my mom walk in and she caught me in the act. So I get talked to for an hour, she picks up other sharp objects and starts attempting to cut herself, while asking the lord to take her own life. I grabbed it out of her hands, and comforted her, but I don't think I can look at her the same.
I eventually convinced her that I would talk to her later about it as it was 5:30 am at the time, and I was extremely tired.
Now it's only a matter of time before I go through another agonizing talk with her.
kumlord: Try to replace bad habits with good ones. When I quit smoking, every time I had the urge I would just go for a walk outside, get fresh air, get the blood moving, feels good and gets your mind off of BS. Peace and Joy to you.
MasterOfDis: And that is how nobody quit smoking, at least by taking walks outside...
kumlord: Yeah you're right, they all got addicted to e cigs, gum, patches, and chantix instead.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: I got sick one day, and every drag made me puke. Now I get sick to my stomach to even smell it. Let alone take a drag with full on puke. Thanks bodily reactions. That not sarcastic.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1404491916 | 1404497687 | t3_29u4sm | t5_2to41 | 47 | ImEYECONIC: TIFU by getting a haircut right before finishing acting in my friend's movie.
I'm about to be going on a long trip, so I decided it would be a great day to get a haircut. I used to have really long, curly hair (I'm a guy though), and I decided I would try something new - so I got it cut pretty short. As I looked in the mirror admiring my new reflection, I suddenly realized something - SHIT, we haven't finished filming the movie!
My friend had me as the main role for his movie about drinking and driving, and we already filmed the beginning and end... but not the middle. And while I was in those parts, I had - you guessed it, LONG HAIR! I'm supposed to go do filming for the middle parts of the movie tomorrow, WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!?
TL;DR: Got a haircut which really changed my appearance just a day before finishing filming in my important role in my friend's movie, it'll be a weird filming session, and it'll be very weird to see how this turns out... NEED ADVICE!
mangage: First, don't say you did it by choice. Tell them your hair caught fire and you had to cut most of it off. Remember, you are very dismayed at this.
765BigFoot: I like this plan ignorance is bliss and shit
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1404492858 | 1404587794 | t3_29u65d | t5_2to41 | 87 | alexnoaburg: TIFU by telling my wife if she talks about how heroic some Japanese were in WW2, she should also mention the atrocities they committed especially to other Asians
To me it was like her talking about how heroic some Nazis were except Japanese don't teach atrocities in their schools. She told me then Americans should feel guilty about dropping the bombs, and I said nope it saved lives. I'm in the doghouse today and I bought fireworks too. It was worth it. 'Murica.
qualitycorn: Im australian, my uncle Garth was at the fall of sinapore, survived the death march and was in all the infamous japanese ww2 prisons, he was with weary dunlop on the burma railway, one day for telling an officer one of his men was too sick to work on the railway the guard bayonetted him through the shin, it festered and he almost died, when the camp was liberated he had to spend over a year in hospital with his arm literally sewed onto his shin because thats how skin grafts worked back then. after saying all that, i still believe that the firebombing of japans population and using the nuclear weapons was done for political reasons rather then military, the diplomatic and intercepted communication from japan at the time all said they wanted to end the war. pain is pain and suffering is suffering and killing someone because someone you know died isnt right.
kwaliiizeay: > intercepted communication from japan at the time all said they wanted to end the war
Really? I was always under the impression that they were going to fight to the last man as per Bushido code.
pez_dispens3r: This might have been true for the soldiers on the ground, but for the higher ups it's a different story.
Bongoo7: Oddly enough they failed to contact the US about their alleged desire to surrender! That story is BS. They would have fought to the last woman and child
pez_dispens3r: There is a cultural myth about the Japanese and their refusal to surrender; as with all myths, there is some truth to it. But we also have records that the higher-ups were trying to negotiate a favourable surrender well before the bombs were dropped. You're being ridiculous.
Bongoo7: The surrender terms were that Japan could keep its prewar empire and to keep its imperial system with the same leaders in charge who started WW II and who had engaged in the systematic slaughter of millions of Chinese civilians and others whom Japan conquered. You need to read historian Robert James Maddox "The Greatest Hoax In American History"
pez_dispens3r: I think you're trying to cast me as an apologist for the Japanese Empire. Please don't. I'm well aware of Japanese atrocities, and I'm not attempting to condone them, but the points you're raising are irrelevant. It was not, after all, "the systematic slaughter of millions of Chinese civilians" that motivated the US to wage war on Japan. Or to drop the atomic bombs.
Maddox has been raging against so-called revisionist historians for the better part of the last five decades. I'm inclined to accept his views on faith to the same extent I'm prepared to stick my finger in a sink incinerator. That is, not without assurances from reliable authority figures who have done the same and not reported any ill effects.
Bongoo7: Sorry it's not just Maddox, all historians had that view until liberal revisionist historians in the 1960s attempted to rewrite history. The fact is that no legitimate sources exist to prove Japan was willing to unconditionally surrender before the bombs were dropped. To suggest otherwise paints Truman as a psychopathic bloodthirsty animal who sanctioned the slaughter of thousands of women and children for no legitimate purpose. Do you really believe that?
pez_dispens3r: Yeah, again, you're trying to characterise me and I don't like it. This is blatant ad hominem, and the Nae True Scotsman fallacy, and shifting the goalposts, and it's as pointless as it is boring. Find where I said Japan was willing to commit to unconditional surrender, or where I tried to characterise Truman as bloodthirsty, or else just stop wasting my time. Unless you want to have a serious discussion, and in that case I welcome you to apologise for repeatedly attempting to make me an apologist for a position I don't subscribe to.
Bongoo7: I'm not trying to characterize you at all. I just asked if you believed in a statement, nothing more, nothing less.
pez_dispens3r: Oh, come off it. You asked if I believed Truman was actively psychopathic on some ridiculous pretence. It's a foul line of argument, and I'm not going to accept it. If you want to know what I'm saying just read my words, and stop trying to pretend I agree with whatever strawman positions you want to imagine.
Bongoo7: You said in an earlier post that Japan was trying to negotiate a surrender prior to the dropping of the bombs. Now if Japan was demanding unreasonable terms, eg it could retain its prewar land holdings and it's existing government could remain in power, and it didn't appear that Japan would back down, I would argue the dropping good the bombs was morally right. Would you agree? If Japan was offering an unconditional surrender or the US knew it was willing to back off from its conditions, and Truman dropped the bombs anyways, he would be a cold blooded psychopath. Wouldn't you agree?
pez_dispens3r: You're making out as if there were only two possible scenarios: one, where the Japanese would fight to the last toddler, and the only reasonable option was to shock them into surrender by the might of atom; another, where they were on the cusp of quitting and the evil Americans decided to punish them anyway. There is a world of difference between these two positions, and by insisting that I can but only adhere to one of these absurd scenarios you are, frankly, just plain wrong.
Japan, of course, was attempting to negotiate a conditional surrender, one where they retained local influence. I haven't said otherwise. This is typical of, say, every conflict ever.
Morally right? I don't know. We're talking about a scenario where so many moral wrongs have gone unchecked that I really can't call the toss. There's one story about a Nazi officer who shielded Chinese citizens during the Rape of Nanking. Do I say, at this point, that this Nazi officer was morally upstanding? God, no. Not according to the merit of one single criteria, which you seem to be insisting that we base this all on. Frankly, I don't know whether Truman was right to drop the atomic bomb on Japan, twice, but I'm not going to pretend that an unconditional surrender on behalf of Japan was the one deciding factor that would call it either way. It was one of many decisions that seemed acceptable at the time. But that doesn't mean there weren't other ways the scenario could have played out.
TL;DR: just because there were justifiable reasons for the US to drop atomic bombs on Japan, doesn't mean there weren't ways the conflict could have played out which resulted in many less deaths.
Bongoo7: If you were Truman what decision would you have made regarding the bomb?
| 15 | 5.8 | |
1404494545 | 1404575478 | t3_29u8mv | t5_2to41 | 25 | Cragnous: TIFU by getting 2 free Pizzas from Pizza Hut
Whenever my wife and kid leave for a few days, I always revert back to my former slob of a self; I play video games until I pass out and I eat nothing but junk food,that in itself is a TIFU...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhdRsnm7jcU
However it gets worse. Last night I got home late and I was very hungry but I had somehow forgotten the my lovely wife would not be home with my diner ready so I went out to eat and decided I would go get some take out from my favorite pizza place of all time: Pizza Hut.
I went in wanting to get 1 medium pizza. The waitress says it's 13$ but for only 2$ more I could get another pizza!, how could I refuse. She tells me the wait time would be 15min. (why didn't I order by phone before leaving the house...) I come back after 15min and turns out they forgot one pizza, so they apologize and tell me that it'll be only 10 more minutes. I wait 10min and come back, the girl is running frantically left and right (whats wrong now...) well she gave one of my pizzas to someone else and was now stuck with that other guys pizza (not the same toppings obviously)....
At that point I was very hungry and I was about to tell her that I would take the other guy's pizza but before I could talk the manager shows up and tells me that they are making my pizza again and that I would get a 20% rebate on my purchase. (making the total less than the 1 pizza I originally came in for.)
Now this is where I should of kept quiet but my curiosity got the better of me. I asked the manager what they where going to do with the extra pizza. He says that they aren't allowed to eat it and that they were going to throw it out. So of course I asked if I could take it and he happily agreed. So I left there with 3 pizzas for the price of less than 1...
When I got home I was sooooo hungry that I went to town on those pizza and ate until I couldn't move. Today my stomach hurts and I don't feel great. I was also eating the pizzas while watching the movie Filth, it's an ok movie but in it the character that James McAvoy plays is this cop who gets crazier and junkier as the movie goes and I felt just like him... The first slice was heavenly but near the end I was feeling like a zombie.
At least I achieve another of my life goals, to eat all I could of the pizza I love. (I can never get to the lunch buffet). I always think of what my last meal would be if I was sentenced to death row, now it feels like I did just that, I got my dream and now I feel dead... be careful what you wish for...
**TLDR**: Got 3 pizzas for the price of less than 1, almost ate the whole thing and now, the next day, I feel like crap, mentally and physically.
AppleSponge: Dude thats not even a fuck up, you just won a mini lottery
Cragnous: Oh man that's how I felt when I was driving home with all that pizza. However the TIFU is by eating it all (well almost). If only I had bought that 1 pizza I went there for, I would of been super satisfied and still sane.
AppleSponge: So you fucked up by eating them, not getting them ;)
Cragnous: Well I mean.. that... well... yeah ok your right... It's just that if I didn't have them I would have eaten them, it's like I HAD to eat them, I just can't say no to good pizza, or chips, or beer, or a lot of things lol.
| 5 | 5 | |
1404495162 | 1404577082 | t3_29u9ls | t5_2to41 | 51 | lcarver11: Tifu by making guacamole
I'm getting ready for my friends fourth of July Lake party. I woke up pretty late so I was in a rush to get everything done. Making guac is a pretty involved process for such a simple dip so once I was finally done I hurried to finish everything else so I could leave. Upon putting on my bathing suit I realized how long it's been since I shaved down there so I grabbed my trimmer and went at it. Once my hair was short enough to shave I hopped in the bathtub and started cleaning up the hard to get to spots... When it dawned on me. I had minced a jalapeño for the guacamole and that burning sensation wasn't from my razor. I ran out of the shower to the kitchen to grab a jug of milk. That's when my parents came home. There was no time to explain to them why I was naked, crying, and running around the house with a jug of milk.
I'm going to go explain the story to them now. Wish me luck.
get_rekd: OP better deliver with the conversation.
solicitorpenguin: OP better deliver with pics
The_Trevaler: OP better deliver with parents
brberg: OP better deliver with guacamole.
lcarver11: I do make fantastic guacamole.
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1404497163 | 1404502940 | t3_29uciw | t5_2to41 | 208 | biggayfoodie: TIFU by throwing a party at my parents house.
Once when I was 17 my parents went to go visit my grandparents for the weekend and left me to house sit. So, like any teenager in their right mind, I invited some friends over and we had our little under-aged shabang.
The first night - there were not very many people, just some people from my basketball team (all girls). We were having a grand ol' time just drinking and playing games, and somewhere along the night the bathroom started to smell bad -like really bad. Like someone took a shit under your nose bad. I didn't think much of it, I figured someone blew up the toilet and was too embarrassed to say, so I just ignored it.
The next day I walked into the bathroom and it still smelled like shit. I thought it was kinda weird, but after cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, I figured it was something wrong with the septic tank and figured my parents could deal with it. The next night, after feeling pretty confident from the shenanigans the previous evening, threw a relatively large house party. There were maybe 50 or 60 people there (in a pretty small house), so I was very surprised to wake up to a house in relatively decent condition.
So I spend the next day cleaning like a crazy person, making sure there was absolutely zero evidence of a party. Everything was looking pristine (the bathroom still kind of stank, but I didn't think much of it), and my parents came home very impressed that I had cleaned. Pretty soon after they got home, I went to a friend's house for the night (feeling pretty darn suave for getting away scot-free).
Maybe 2 hours later I get a text from my mom that read: "I know about your little party". Trying to play it cool, I respond (derp)"what party?". She replied "one of your friends left their shit in the bathroom". My immediate thought was 'damn, I thought I cleaned the bathroom pretty well, I don't know how I missed someone's stuff in there'. So I replied to my mom (genuinely curious) "What shit?". Not 3 seconds later I get the response "ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS SHIT IN A TOWEL AND PUT IT IN THE CUPBOARD!!!".
...Holy shit, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. First of all: how did I miss a shat in towel, second: who the fuck shat in a towel, and third: My mom opened a towel full of human shit.
As hilarious it is that someone on my basketball team shit in a towel (to this day I have no idea who it was), I was grounded for 2 months and had to pay my mom for a new towel.
don't forget to check the cupboards, folks.
TL;DR:
"ONE OF [MY] FRIENDS SHIT IN A TOWEL AND PUT IT IN THE CUPBOARD"
Swarlsonegger: why were they so sure it wasn't you?
biggayfoodie: I guess my mom found empty handles in the outside trash, she wasn't even mad until she found the shit-bomb.
LRats: You should of just said "oh, that was me"
| 4 | 52 | |
1404492010 | 1404545942 | t3_29u4yc | t5_2to41 | 5 | 24601-42: TIFU by stretching
I do a lot of ballerina-style stretches, and to do one of them, I bring my leg up over my head. Owners of skinny jeans will appreciate that that doesn't work as well as I apparently though it would in skinny jeans. I kicked my leg up, it stopped half way up, and I ended up tits-over-rear on the floor. If that wasn't stupid enough, I tried to stand up, fell over, and added another bruise to my poor seating arrangement.
Ticklemypicklee: I don't believe you can do that... Proof?
hunterb23: This fucking guy
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404500425 | 1404501899 | t3_29uhcc | t5_2to41 | 17 | papawells225: TIFU by not drinking water
This was a years ago but I think its relevant.
So there I was, a young, ambitious, college graduate. With walking across the stage and receiving my diploma still fresh on my mind I hopped on a plane and left for Germany! The plan was to spend a month solo traveling around Germany with the trip culminating in Munich for Octoberfest where I would spend my 23rd birthday drinking and partying until I would subsequently become to intoxicated to walk, talk, and see straight. That was the plan at least...
After meandering around Germany, meeting people, and drinking far to many beers with anyone who would have me, the moment arrived! Time to go to Munich! I arrived by train to Munich on the morning of September 24 2009. After finding a “lovely” place to drop my bags and secure what I will call home for the next few days I was off to Octoberfest. I arrived with a pep in my step and a smile on my face ready to pummel copious amounts of alcohol into my face hole. Everywhere I looked there were giant buildings selling the nectar of the gods. Not the beer “tents” as they were described to me but more of enlarged airplane hangars. I hit the ground running eager to end myself of this nasty sobriety. After ordering my first stein, it was all over, I was in heaven. I spent the entire day drinking, talking to strangers, riding rides, and eating the most delicious rotisserie chicken I have ever experienced until I passed out around 4 am the next morning. The next day was all of the same.... drinks, friends, rides, food, and drinks! Again passing out around 4 am on what was now my 23rd birthday. I was looking forward to another full day of shenanigans the only difference being this would be my birthday celebration.
Do you ever wake up abruptly in the morning with a terrible feeling in your stomach like you forgot to do something that was really really important? Well in my case, I forgot to do something that some would argue besides breathing this is the second most important thing.... If you guessed drink water, you would be correct. That’s right, I spent two full days so incredibly wasted that I literally didn’t drink a sip of water (or at least I have no recollection of drinking any). This realization came at about 10 am when before I even knew what was going on my reflexes took over and I was sprinting towards the bathroom with the unmistakable churning in my gut... I’m going to puke! (inner monolog) 100 ft away: “You can make it... just hold on!” , 80 ft away, “Oh God I’m not going to make it! Run faster!” 60 ft away, “If there was just some grass or something that I..... GRASS! THERE! GO GO GO!” 30 ft away from the bathroom but in some grass a vile acidic orange liquid comes spewing up from the depths of my soul... Ahhhh that feels better. After a very brief sigh of relief I felt another churning. This churning was much deeper in my stomach. I needed to get to the bathroom. After walking in and sitting down on the toilet I released sheer concentrated evil! It was as if satan incarnate was dwelling in my bowels and was now being released with a fury that he saves only for special clientele such as hitler. I had what I like to call a case of the fossetts. Imagine walking into the bathroom, turning to the sink and twisting the knob all the way open. That was the consistency of what was now being released from my bowels. Needless to say I stayed close to the bathroom for a while.
Fast forward
It’s almost 3pm now and I’ve managed to get a little bit of water in my system. It’s been probably two hours since my last trip to the bathroom and I’m starting to feel human again. At this point a friend who I had met comes in and tells me to get up because it’s time to go grab one more stein before I have to head to the airport (was flying to England that day). I tell her that I will happily escort her to Octoberfest but as far as drinking is concerned there is no possible way I can stomach it. Ten minutes later we are on a tram taking the 20 min ride to get to Octoberfest. If you have never been on a tram or train before, I can assure you it is not the place for a person who has been sick all day. It is slightly warmer than is comfortable, it sways side to side, and it is packed with people all with the same destination in mind. A little under half way there and the urge to vomit starts to creep up. I try to suppress it but it is getting stronger with each sway of the tram. I’m starting to sweat. I’m starting to shake. I tell my friend I have to get off. At the next stop by the grace of god there is a gas station. I jump off the tram and run to the gas station. I get a few feet inside and I am mid sentence asking a lady behind the counter (in german) if she speaks english when it starts to come up! I turn around and start to run out the door while trying to contain the vomit in my mouth. In the process of running out the door I trip and fall. As soon as I hit the ground my bowels release. Still in mid vomit it is next to impossible to clinch your butthole.... I finally stop... So here I lay... On a curb outside of a gas station... In a country that I don’t speak the language... On my 23rd birthday... Alone.... Covered in my own vomit and feces.... I did the only thing I could think of. I sat up, wiped my mouth and uttered two words, “New low!”
TL;DR Didn’t drink water for two days of heavy drinking, subsequently vomited and shit myself simultaneously at a gas station in Munich Germany on my 23rd birthday.
johnnywacko: How did you make it to 23 without learning about dehydration?
zKillzone: *snickers*
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404504130 | 1404507495 | t3_29umno | t5_2to41 | 6 | AccidentalWrecker: TIFU by accidentally ruining a relationship due to social media stalking
Throwaway account (or obvious reasons)
Backstory!
This girl (she's 16) (We'll cal her Jessica) and I (almost 18) have known each other for 7 years. 3 years ago we both confessed that we had feelings for each other and started a relationship. During that time we fell in love and so on. Around a year and a half ago, our physical communication stopped because her parents are over protective. They got in an argument and she wasn't allowed to hang out with me (or any of her friends) anymore. We continued a long distance relationship for the past year over e-mail. E-mails in recent months have gotten shorter and shorter with more space in between them. She tells me last month that she loves someone else (he's 19) We'll call him "Chad". I'm still madly in love with her, so this came as a super hard bit of information to take in. Well, she's told me that she still has feelings for me and I'm "still one of her best friends" (blah blah blah), but she's using this guy as a coping mechanism because she can't have me in the physical.
So, last night I get an e-mail asking for my cell number. I send it to her, naturally. I get a text from her this morning and we text back and fourth for probably 3-4 hours. I eventually find out that this phone is being payed for by this "Chad" so they can talk in secret. I manage to find his social media accounts. This guy is a hardcore partier with a super offensive personality. He gets drunk every weekend at parties with his college buddies and posts it all on twitter.
I start to tell her all of this (I'm totally not anything like this guy, so I'm pretty taken back that she thinks she loves him after she's loved me for nearly 3 years).
I was pretty upset at reading all of this. I told Jessica that he still drinks all of the time, which made her super pissed (He told her he had been sober for nearly 7 months). He had lied to her about having facebook and twitter accounts as well, so she told me to "Keep on finding dirt". Then I see him tagged in this tweet by a girl...we'll call her "Kristen". Kristen posts ALOT about Chad. Then I click on her profile. Her profile picture is her making out with Chad.
...Yikes....
I then go to both of their facebooks.....looks like they're in a pretty serious relationship behind Jessica's back. Chad studies electrical engineering downstate and has this relationship with Kristen while he's down there. I told Jessica all of this and all she text me was "Oh he's in serious trouble." and now she hasn't gotten back with me for a few hours.
Part of my inside was like "JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED!", but another part was like "Ouch...did I just mess up by finding all of this dirt on this guy?"..
What do you think reddit? Should I have told her about this guy living a wild lifestyle while lying to her about it? I don't know if I should have or not!
EDIT: Just want to make it clear that she's not "allowed" to see this guy either.
[deleted]: Just a question....she's "allowed" to see this guy in person, but not you? Otherwise, how/why would she be using him as a coping mechanism. Surely, if her parents won't let her out to see you, they won't let her out to see him? Or....is that just her excuse for not seeing you? Something just seems off to me...
AccidentalWrecker: Her parents don't let her see him either.
[deleted]: So how can she possibly be replacing you with him? Sounds like she's just looking for more attention or has moved on from you. I could be wrong...but that's what it seems like to me. If she is finding the time and effort to be with him, why couldn't she do the same with you?
AccidentalWrecker: Yeah, I feel like she wants the attention as well. He lives 5 miles away from her...and I live over and hour away. I would totally drive over there and hang with her, but like I said she isn't "allowed" to hang with either of us. They just do it in private. I totally want to respect that and not cause trouble with her parents.
[deleted]: IMHO she's playing you. A girl did this to my brother and she was just soaking up as much attention as she could get. She'd always keep a guy on the back burner. You sound like a good guy and he sounds like an ass. She sounds young and probably hasn't realized that good guys are the ones worth being with.
My advice, for what it's worth...back RIGHT off her. Quit emailing her, etc. and see what happens. She's got you at her beck and call, and he has HER at his beck and call, so she's got the best of both worlds while hurting you in the meantime. Don't feed into that. What she is doing isn't worth respecting, but her parents rules are.
You deserve better dude...
AccidentalWrecker: You're probably right. I really don't want immaturity. She still has another two years of school and I'm starting college next month.
[deleted]: Maybe you should just chill things out and take a break for a while. If she values the long friendship you've had and values you, she'll figure it out eventually. Meanwhile, you're getting played and no-one needs that.
As to the social media stuff...first off quit stalking the dude and her. Secondly, I wouldn't bother to bring it up unless she specifically asks you why you have stopped contacting her.
AccidentalWrecker: Sounds like a plan. I was contemplating it earlier. This morning she wanted me to tell her sweet stuff.....and I was thinking "hmm....that doesn't sound right...especially since she is into this other guy....."
[deleted]: Oh dude, no that isn't cool. She's just using you and the other dude for attention. :(
SadFaceBot: :\ don't be sad!
[deleted]: [OK, I won't be sad](http://i.imgur.com/VKBRALX)
| 12 | 0.5 | |
1404503410 | 1404567237 | t3_29uln6 | t5_2to41 | 3,651 | dillicious: TIFU by getting up for a glass of water in the middle of the night
This happened a while ago, and still getting sweaty mouth when I think about it. I had a normal evening, it was a weekday so I had to work in the morning. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt kind of thirsty. I'm not a great sleeper so I normally would just try and fall back asleep because getting up and turning on the lights would wake me up then I'm fucked for the rest of the night. Anywho, I ate something really salty and I was thirsty as hell. So I get up (no contacts in, I'm basically blind) and open my door in the complete black darkness and smell something horrid. I was taken back, did my sewer back up? I'm still in my half sleepy state. Anyways, I still needed that water. So I walk downstairs to the kitchen and it's getting stronger. I still can't see anything, then all of a sudden I stepped in what felt like an oil spill and did the classic movie "both feet in the air and land on my back" scene and was immediately woken up 100%. I lay for a second, and wonder what just happened and then put my hand down to push me up, in the oil spill. I get up and HOLY FUCK THAT'S WHAT STINKS. My dog had INTENSE diarreah while I was sleeping. As soon as I put my hand to my nose to verify I managed to make it to my sink and vomit profusely. So now I'm literally from head to toe covered in dog shit I have to make dog shit foot prints to my shower where I laid like Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura sobbing in the corner of the tub.
I still had to clean it after.
Saint_Crake: I guess it turned out to be a shitty night.
Soulrush: Come on mate, don't make crappy jokes at OPs expense.
[deleted]: Guys, get your shit together. OP had to...
Caststarman: Dung, his night stank.
level1hero: I'm pooped just reading about his ordeal
Firefly_season_2: OP make sure your dog helps you clean up, urine this one together
betadanyu: Hopefully the dog faeces no charges
Georgey22: I mean I think he's done giving shits for a while.
dernspooge: Dog poop.
Assniffer: Thank you for your contribution.
bluebrandy: thats enough reddit for turday
| 12 | 304.25 | |
1404511729 | 1404534590 | t3_29uwjd | t5_2to41 | 65 | flyentology221: TIFU- Angry sex turns into accidental anal
Me and my girlfriend hadn't been getting along all day so I went into her room to bang my anger out. Things were going great until I slipped out and pounded her ass with my penis which resulted in a bunch of crying, a lost boner, and a bad case of blue balls
ezSpankOven: How do you have 'accidental' anal? Ive had anal with several women and I have to force my penis quite hard to get it in there.
billybishop4242: i understand your confusion.
USUALLY anal is quite difficult to start. Anticipation on the receiver's part doesn't help. usually takes some loosening up or relaxing.
but in a wet, lubed, excited situation with no expectation of penetration, it happens so easily. particularly in doggy. something about the shape of the hips and inner thighs kinda angles things towards the ass apparently.
... anyways... happened during a three way to me years ago. having a great time with her blowing my buddy... then slipped out and... in. really IN.
felt awesome. have had anal lots and NEVER slipped in like that. maybe relaxation helped? not sure but I buried myself before she went stiff and jumped and began crying onto my buddy's lap.
he gave me the stink-eye over her curled up body as I apologized and tried to explain my accident. that was the end of shenanigans for that night.
she was hurt and buddy was pissed. jesus.
i_pk_pjers_i: So... Did you have a three way again?
billybishop4242: not with her :(
(oops)
| 5 | 13 | |
1404489736 | 1404596971 | t3_29u1o8 | t5_2to41 | 44 | kumlord: TIFU- By not keeping track of my cock ring.
TIFU- a while back.
I had this vibrating cock ring that I got as a gag gift for my birthday a couple years back. Of course I also wanted to give this cock ring a try and I did. It was alright, my girlfriend and I probably used it a handful of times and then I kind of forgot about it until one day....
One day a few months later, I had my friend and his wife over for company. We were just shooting the shit like usual in the living room and having a good time catching up.
My dog is a little shit, usually ALWAYS wants to play fetch with a ball or some toy and is constantly begging anyone with a pulse to play. My friends wife was sitting on the couch and my dog goes up to her. I didn't think anything of it and just thought my dog was trying to be a begging whore like usual to play ball. She grabs something out of my dogs mouth and holds it up in the light trying to figure out what kind of dog toy this is. My heart sunk when I saw that blue little cock ring shining in the light. All of a sudden I see my friend's wife's face , a look of surprise, horror, confusion, and dismay. She caught on and started laughing hysterically. I was embarrassed as fuck at the time but it's funny to look back on now. Apparently the cock ring was under my bed and my dog had found it.
TIFU- by losing my cockring under my bed and having my dog try to play fetch with guests.
GNasty49: what is a cock ring?
SquiddyTheMouse: I'm not sure if you're being serious, but it's a ring that goes over a cock and tightens to stop the man from coming during whatever sexual activity he's doing.
GNasty49: stop him from cumming? whats the point in that? and I am being serious
FootofOrion: It doesn't completely stop you, but it helps you last longer.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1404512140 | 1404613372 | t3_29ux1o | t5_2to41 | 33 | Afsafaffafd: TIFU by losing my family's trust and half of my friends
This all happened over the last few days, but the best place to start is on Wednesday. For context I am 18 years old and just finished school. After a day spent with a friend, with him getting slightly baked, shooting the shit, I went home at about 6 o'clock to grab some sleep. I woke up around 8 to find a text from a girl (we'll call her Megan) I had been hooking up with (not quite to the point of getting laid but all but that) at parties and with which I was looking to ask out. She knew I wanted something a bit more than just a party relationship and had agreed with me on that front, despite the fact she'd only been out of a pretty shitty relationship. The text was her saying "why did you tell people we had sex?" . As it transpired while out and about I had mentioned the whole situation between her and her ex, and my feelings towards her, to some complete strangers. These complete strangers actually knew her ex pretty well and decided to tell him me and Megan had had sex. He then proceeded to tell everyone he knew, which really annoyed Megan as she had wanted some more time in between splitting up and dating me so she didn't look too easy. After a few long texts were exchanged things were left on a note that meant I had no idea how this affected us.
The next day I had my leavers prom from school. After I had finished work I went home to pick up my tuxedo before going to my dads to get ready for prom. As I changed out of my work clothes into my jeans I found a packet of cigarettes in my pocket. As it happened the friend I met up with earlier on Wednesday had given it to me to look after as he wanted to get changed and didn't want to go back into his house with them on him. The reason for this was because it contained a spliff in place of one of the cigarettes and so he didn't want anyone to stumble upon them and start a shitstorm in his family. I'd held onto them on the premise that I'd give them back as soon as he came out, but somehow we both forgot I had them and none of us remembered them all day. At this point I decided that the best course of action would be to get ready as normal, take the packet with me and dump them in a public toilet or bin. I didn't want to put them in any bin at my dad's house as I don't smoke, and so there's a decent chance he'd wonder about the packet if he saw it, check inside it and find the offending spliff. I placed them in a pocket and went to a friends house for the get together of friends before we made our way to the venue.
When we got to the venue we were ferried into a line and I got into an argument with my friend over what team the Germans would field the next day against France. I was so into this argument that I completely forgot about the packet in my pocket. When we got to the front of the line and were searched, lo and behold they found the packet, and inside they found the spliff. At this point I was internally freaking out. I had to sit in the security room for about 30 minutes as they dealt with all the other people in the line. After a while, the guy who found it on me came in to talk to me about it. I grovelled for a bit to no avail, and then he left. 5 minutes later he walked in again with the woman who had been my head of year for the last two years of my life. She was also the mom of one of my better fiends. I could tell by her expression I was deep in the shit. She had a brief word with me before coming to the conclusion that the best way to go about this would be to call my dad and let him make the decision as to whether to let me go into the prom or not.
She left to call him and I was brought through to have a word after she had outlined the situation. I apologise to him repeatedly and he had a few choice words to say, however he said I could go into the prom and I wouldn't have to make my own way home so early. I walked in just as the first course was being served, however it quickly became clear that lots of people knew what had happened to me. I'm not the kind of person who's known for this at all, and so it was very embarrassing and the whole meal I wished I wasn't there. After the meal I went and sat outside and called my dad, who at this point had decided that picking me up would be the best option.
After about an hour wait, he came and I got into his car. I could tell he hadn't taken it well, and this was confirmed after he said he was "devastated" with what had happened. He also said that when he recieved the call, he happened to be in the car and it was on handsfree. This would have been fine but for the fact my mom was in the car with him. Me and her have a rocky relationship at the best of times, and she really hadn't taken it well at all. I was driven back to my mums house and was subjected to an hour of tears, accusations and yelling. My story of literally forgetting what I had on me being pretty unbelievable to them and this being the first hint they've ever had of me doing anything so wrong had made them (understandably) very upset. After about an hour things weren't really going anywhere and so my dad took me back to his house and I went straight to bed.
The next day (today) I had off work and given the prior nights events I stayed in bed until 12 before spending the rest of the day in bed playing video games until about 5. At this point both my parents arrived in order to have another discussion. They still didn't believe my story, despite the fact that I had had a text earlier in the day off my friend asking for his spliff back. After a bit more discussion on the matter my parents decided I should take a drugs test to see if I'd used any weed (I was in a closed room with a friend smoking it, I'm fairly sure I'll test positive despite not using myself), my mum left, and I went back to my room.
I put on a movie and watched it before my dad called me at around 8 to get some dinner. We had Chinese and ate it, which was nice, before sitting down to watch the pre game portion of the Brazil Colombia game. I started texting a few people, including Megan. As it transpired Megan had decided after the people finding out that we shouldn't do anything anymore, and we should just be friends. Also I found out people were annoyed at me as they perceived that my bringing of weed almost ruined their prom, and others were annoyed at me for saying things about Megan to people Megan knows.
The overall outcome of this is that I've completely lost the trust and respect of my parents, I've lost about half of my friends, my potential relationship has been thrown in the trash and the person who I was going to be relying on for references to jobs has been let down massively by me and obviously will be unable to give me a reference anywhere I go. If I fail the drugs test things are going to be even worse. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this as I've never really made a friend close enough to call a best friend, and all my really good friends have stopped talking to me. Its obviously not the worst situation in the world however living it really sucks and I have no clue what to do about any of it.
TL;DR: in the space of three days I managed to fuck up my chances with a girl, get caught with weed and ruin any short term prospects in my life
fundayz: 1. Now you know not to be a loudmouth about relationships. Nothing good has ever come out of it. Sincerely apologize to Girl for being a loudmouth and explain that it was her ex spreading the sex rumor around. Then give her space; if she likes you it won't matter what anyone thinks (except her friends, apologize and explain to them too, get them on your side).
2. Why would you hold on to your friend's drugs if you don't do drugs yourself. That's *asking* to get in shit.
3. You are done with that school and moving forward. You wouldn't have kept in touch with the people judging you for getting *yourself* in trouble anyway. Also, there is 0 chance the school would cancel the Prom over 1 person getting caught with weed, they were even considering letting you in FFS.
4. Keep explaining to your parents and your teacher what happened. Adults aren't dumb and understand young people make mistakes, they just want to see you learned your lesson.
5. It ain't the end of the world regardless what happens. No, losing 1 reference isn't going end up with you jobless, especially at that age. You should be going to college anyway (for a career-oriented degree), which doesn't really require anything other than grades.
Afsafaffafd: Thanks for the advice. I passed the drug test which I'm super happy about.. I feel like a complete idiot for doing it but at least with the test going positive they believe what I told then happened. Just got to see if I can straighten things out with Megan now.
flowstoneknight: >but at least with the test going positive
I think you mean the test going negative?
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1404515945 | 1404517924 | t3_29v1y2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | JonD91: TIFU by not using sunscreen
So this was on Monday, idgaf.
So Sunday evening, my and my girlfriend decide to make a nice little trip home to her hometown. She wanted to see her cats (she's basically the ideal Redditor gf, don't know why she picked previously forever alone me).
Its about 638 degrees out with 300% humidity on Monday so we decide to relax by the pool. Such an amazing idea for pale, pasty, out of shape, screen loving me. My forearms are decently tan because out of all my cars not one has A/C so I get that awesome left arm only farmers tan in the summer.
She starts putting on various skin products so she doesn't burn and gets a glorious bronze tan. At this point I say "I don't need any of that, I don't burn. Plus I'll be underwater! I need to be tan since I'm starting that new landscaping job anyways!"
God damn aren't I stupid.
Day goes well, swimming, drinking and whatnot. Demolished the best pizza and buffalo nachos that have ever been created.
Good day, right?
We get back to my apartment and I remove my T-shirt. Apparently I'm still wearing a red T-shirt underneath. I lather that sum-bitch up with aloe and call it a night.
Day 1: Go to work, my torso aches a bit. Any time someone's had gets close to me I stare them down like an African Lion pursuing the weak gazelle in the pack. Aloe that sum-bitch up some more and hit the sack.
Day 2: I wake up. Don't know what time it is, clocks are irrelevant at this point. My entire red T-shirt itches like I'm being tea bagged by Satan's untrimmed bush. I sprint to the bathroom like Usian Bolt and lather that sum-bitch up with some aloe.
My skin puts off a laugh like that stupid little girl from the Exorcist. After about 3 seconds flat of relief I feel like my pores are being raped by fire ants.
Must get this aloe off, stat.
Cue the coldest shower in the world. Imagine those people in the Antarctic getting those core samples of the glacier. They would call this shower napalm in comparison to what they were used to. The water couldn't get any colder. It felt great.
Climbed out of the shower. Dried off, jumped immediately back into the shower. If something that can sink the Titanic isn't touching me, I itch to the point where I would rather eat a handful of gauge 0 steel wool every day for the rest of my life.
New idea, grab a face rag. I think "Hey, genius, if that skin isn't there any more, it won't hurt!" Cue ferocious scrubbing.
Holy shit this is somehow worse.
At this point my girlfriend enters the bathroom to find out what's up. I tell her, she runs to Walmart and buys anything that says "anti-itch" on it and a box of Benadryl. She gets back and I lather myself up in every one of those ointments and take some Benadryl.
I'm still high on Benadryl, I'm scared to stop taking it.
Definitely gonna say yes on the sunblock next time.
TL/DR: Got heinous sunburn, nearly itched to death.
Paulo27: Not sure if I should call you lucky or unlucky that you don't go to the beach very often, we live like 30 minutes away from a beach here this is me during the whole summer, go to the beach on the weekend, spend week trying to recover and not kill myself, go back, repeat.
JonD91: I live right near the coast so I could go any time, but I have the least flattering beach body in New England so I would rather hide in an air conditioned room on the internet.
6romperstomper9: Vinegar, wipe (dab) it all over your red T shirt. It'll sting at first, but will make you feel guuuuud!
| 4 | 2 | |
1404517871 | 1404529877 | t3_29v45g | t5_2to41 | 33 | mjdishere: TIFU by not aiming my wingwang
So my gal and I were enjoying the evening together as my roommate was out and it had been some time since we had my room to ourselves. So I enjoy some nice fellating and realize I'm starting to get close to detonation. I give her the usual tap on the arm because I'm a gentleman and I find it polite to warn someone before you shoot splooge tadpoles down their gizzard.
Anyways she lets go and as I hadn't released in a few days my peener fired with the force of a water gun that had been pumped up too much. For a split second a thought proudly of how mighty far the load seemed to be launching but my amazement turned to distress as it skipped across my cheek into my open eyeball. I later recounted that it was resembled playing corn hole with the bean bag sliding in the hole in the board, except the hole was my retina and I didn't get three points.
So yea it burned, I yelped like a pup and immediately felt bad for all the girls who had been in that situation. My girlfriend laughed at me but helped scoop it all off. Then we watched game of thrones or something.
TL;DR I came upon my own eyeball
Xezlec: You know, I kinda feel bad for sperm. The vast majority of places the little guys get deposited are nowhere near an egg cell.
6romperstomper9: Moneye shot!
| 3 | 11 | |
1404518871 | 1404567187 | t3_29v5dv | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting Microsoft customer rep take control of my computer
I needed some tech support and I let him take control. He was using Firefox and clicked the add a tab button.... Then he got an eye full of every dirty porn site I had ever visited. Big dicks in small chicks, anal, deepthroated, the fucking works. He closed it out super fast and disconnected the chat. Now I'm still stuck with a problem and a fear of letting someone connect to my pc ever again.
Screwed_38: Sweet, what's the issue you have with the PC?
Gank_Spank_Sploog: I wanted to do a complete wipe. But I needed the correct media. Since it was a download onto a flash drive I do not have the disk.
Screwed_38: You don't need a disk, there is an official installer on their website, Download and run it, everything is out into a folder called windows.old
Gank_Spank_Sploog: Got it all worked out. Thanks man.
| 5 | 1 | |
1404519582 | 1404573143 | t3_29v65o | t5_2to41 | 50 | TonyDanzaSuperFuck: TIFU by telling a girl I like I have genital issues.
Throwaway for this. Sorry.
So, there's a girl i've been interested in for a long time. It's one of those mutual things that starts as a friendship and there's flirting and all that shit. Well, we went out for a coffee, and were chatting. Now, i've been sick lately and can't take anything for it due to a genetic condition I inherited from my mothers side of the family. I actually do have multiple genetic problems. Kinda sucky, but you learn to live with them. Anyway, I digress...
 
So, we're discussing how i've been sick. The conversation went like this.
 
Her - "You've been pretty sick lately TonyDanza"
 
Me - "Yep, part of life I guess, it becomes normal during winter."
 
Her - "Why isn't there anything you can do about it?"
 
Me - "It's a thing i've always dealt with. I've always had issues due to my genitals".
 
At this point, there was an awkward silence. At first, I thought maybe she was summing up a future with a guy with inherited genetic problems. Without realising i'd said genitals, and not genetics, I thought i'd intervene and let fly with the words that will haunt me until my dying days...
 
"It's not that bad once you get used to it, my problems are only small when compared to others. It's not that big."
 
***IT'S NOT THAT BIG.***
 
Jesus, I want to crawl in a hole and die now. We kinda awkwardly said goodbyes after that and parted ways. Part of me can laugh about it, but part of me feels dead inside. I don't know what to do now either, calling her and saying "By the way my cock is a great size!" seems it would make the problem worse. Any advice how to dig myself out of this would be appreciated :(
NicolasMage69: I think size isnt the issue its more of the mystery surrounding whats wrong with your genitals.
ch2435: It's not the size that matters... It's how you use it.
synfulyxinsane: Sadly this is not 100% true. Everyone has different preferences.
ch2435: It was a joke.
VeraciousBuffalo: Ha. /s
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1404521853 | 1404800163 | t3_29v8pz | t5_2to41 | 140 | alsothebear: TIFU NSFW -- I also was genitally mutilated.
Tldr: today (in 2010) i fucked up by trusting a shady ass website with the possibility of a free blowjob and alnost getting my dick chopped off by a batshit crazy chick.
I read the throw away post with the guy who had the top of his penis cut off in a gay club and i decided to spread some awareness.
Also a throwaway as i have a good job and dont want to risk getting internet famous.
In 2010 i was browsing obscure craigslist variants and found a post with a gloryhole location. This is a real thing, not just porn.
I hadnt gotten laid in a while so ibsaid fuck it ill wear a condom. I show up to a gas station's backstreet bathroom. It was 2 rooms in a building and it was on the other side of the parkinglot.
I go in, go to the stall on the rightmost and sit down. There is someone in the stall next to me and a hole plugged with duct tape. I knocked on the wall of the stall 4 times and she pulled the tape and said " alright hon lets see it".
This was the secret code and my first thought was that she sounds hot and that ima get a blowjob.
She sucked my dick over my condom and as i was cumming she tried to cut my dick off with a box cutter. She got halfway thru before i stuck my fingers in the hole and pushed her fingers away. She ran outside in a second and i heard a loud engine go off.
I drove straight to the hospital and had 2 surgeries. Now four years later its completely healed and looks like a normal dick no scars no nothing.
The police coulnt identify the woman as her motorcycle was an older model honda with no plates.
I dint go thru any trauma like the other guy but ive since bought a gun and dont make stupid decisions or trust strangers anymore.
Made this post cuz of the other dudes post and to tell you young whippersnappers to please not stick ur dick in crazy....women or holes. If it seems shady then dont do it.
But most of all dont put yourself in shitty situations...not worth it. When youre young you think youre invincible but youre not.
mrmcmaine: What's fucked up is that she's probably done this before and has probably succeeded at times. I can only hope that at some point she didn't run fast enough and ended up dead. It may seem fucked up to condemn a person to death, but Jesus Christ some people just shouldn't be among other human beings.
[deleted]: If this is what she's into, I'd imagine that she has some serious mental issues that have not had medical treatment. The sexual aspect of this suggests that perhaps she was abused as a child, couldn't afford therapy, went a little crazy because nobody was there for her. Good on you for condemning her to death though.
Of course, perhaps none of that is true, and she is just one evil bitch.
zue3: If you're supporting her I'm guessing you're a woman and you can't understand the horror of someone trying to cut your dick off.
[deleted]: Lol where did you get the idea that I was "supporting her"? I was merely expressing my disgust at the comment suggesting she should be murdered.
Oh, and I'm a guy.
zue3: Your comment still served to undermine what he went through. A severe reaction is exactly what you'd expect from someone in a situation like this.
Do we not give out the death penalty for especially dangerous criminals? If they can catch the woman/man who tried this then great. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel a shred of remorse if someone were to kill this piece of shit.
[deleted]: Yes but it wasn't OP's reaction that I was referring to, it was a random commenter's reaction.
To kill her in self-defense in the act is justifiable. To catch her, disarm her, and kill her is not. Also, I live in a developed country, so my government does not practice capital punishment, as seen in more barbaric cultures (Saudi, Pakistan, US etc.)
zue3: And I don't think anybody whose name implies they'd want to start a holocaust against obese people has the right to call anyone barbaric.
[deleted]: What a great point! OP's username is /u/alsothebear which indicates that he must be a bear.
zue3: Alsothebear sounds cute and implies nothing wrong.
Your name on the other hand casually brings to mind a very horrific time in human history when many atrocities were committed on others. The word holocaust shouldn't be thrown around at anyone, even if they're obese.
Learn some compassion on your end before you start talking about so called "barbaric" behavior.
[deleted]: Ad hominem. You lose.
zue3: "I lose" I didn't realize this was a contest.
I'm done trying to have a discussion with what I assumed was a mature individual. Guess I was wrong. Enjoy your "victory".
And once again, mutilation is a serious matter and my heart goes out to whoever has suffered this great injustice. I hope people won't let this particular person's childish views lessen the enormity of such severe crimes.
[deleted]: Double ad hominem. You lose again.
Also your argument is shit and indicative of why capital punishment is not used for crimes such as this.
zue3: Wow how sad can you get..
[deleted]: Triple
yaknowwhoitis: Dude, check your points. The only one losing here is you. Those comments make you sound retarded not smart. And congratulations on learning what ad hominem is! Be sure to use it 50 times a day it totally makes you seem intelligent..... NOT!
[deleted]: Quadruple.
| 17 | 8.235294 | |
1404517282 | 1404587936 | t3_29v3h0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Leninist96: TIFU by throwing so many friendships out on a risk and now in potentially friendless
So my best friend broke down today and i feel as if he's gone forever. This very friend i removed several other friendships from my life (some i felt very distanced from, sadly) to make him happy and trust me to the level that he would understand that i was his friend. I have very few friends now or even people who will associate with me and will probably now become a hermit because of this
TL;DR: pushed people away to appease one friend and now he's gone and i feel shit and lonely
If any of my old friends (who are fellow redditors) I am sorry M,A,A and J
bdsmpersthrow: Meh. Don't anonymously throw a vague apology out. Call your friends and apologize for being stupid. There's a good chance they'll be glad to hear from you and that you realized you were being dumb.
Leninist96: I anonymously throw it out because if i tried to speak to them they'd ignore me, block me, tell me to procreate off etc
michellexkarma: It's worth a shot, if they were real friends to begin with they'll get over it. Gonna take some time but it could happen.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1404524233 | 1404535196 | t3_29vbcj | t5_2to41 | 15 | Harry3799: TIFU By getting hit by fireworks
So i was at a family fireworks show and i was with my family. And i was watching all sorts of cool fireworks. So im sitting and i want to get a better view so thinking id be fine i ran up further and got a better view. So the fireworks were going off and then one looked very close to the ground. I was messaging my girlfriend as these were going off and someone yells i look up and i get blasted by a firework. i jump back and now my arms and legs are kinda burnt up.
TL;DR I was watching fireworks, Got closer. Got blasted by fireworks
Tesabella: And this is why we don't text when we should be aware of our surroundings.
Harry3799: My fault completely. But hey. It made for a nice story in the end
| 3 | 5 | |
1404530734 | 1404532863 | t3_29vhzk | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by emptying the garbage after my girlfriend left
This is my throwaway for dysfunctional shit and to me, this counts.
My girlfriend just left after visiting me for the weekend. I was cleaning my apartment and dumping one garbage can into another when something fell out and landed on the floor. It was a tiny pill. I take vitamins and stuff, but this was different. I looked it up on some pill identification database and it's for bipolar and panic disorder.
Many years ago, I was in a long-term relationship with a mentally ill woman who was on the same medication. When we met, she was totally normal, or so it appeared. Bad days led to a breakdown which led to another which led to another and downward things went. Eventually, she was put on a lot of other meds ranging from antidepressants to hardcore antipsychotics. For several years, she would spend months at a time in a state-run psychiatric facility. We stayed together and I supported her unconditionally throughout everything. We talked on the phone every day and I drove two hours each way to visit her on weekends. I helped change her bandages after she would cut herself, I went to therapy with her when her team thought it would help, I was in the ICU every time she tried to kill herself, I helped the doctor talk her through getting her stomach pumped with charcoal after she OD'd on her meds, I was there every morning she had ECT treatments, and I was outside the room every time she had a hearing to be released from the hospital into my custody - because I was the most stable person in her life. This continued until she left me for her friends. Yes, I meant friend*s*. She left me to be the third in another couple's open relationship. She said she had grown and thanked me for being there for her, but she was now healthy and capable of taking care of herself. Her therapist supported this (!!!) so I wished her well and began the next chapter of my life.
I know that my current girlfriend isn't the same, but this is how the last one started out. I'm not able or even willing to go through all that again, or anything remotely similar. Flashbacks? Yes. Reason to breakup? I have no idea. My childhood was very messed up and I know that my view of relationships is warped. I have been in therapy for it, but I've had my life under control for quite some time. I cannot determine if this situation is safe for me or not, but I am certain that I do not want to go through all that again. Right now, I just want to run away as fast as I can.
edit because typos
Pyrrolidone: Or maybe your ex gf is secretly living inbetween the walls.... Beter double check!
Aritstol: Her "friends" are in her head and she lives in the crawl space.
| 3 | 4 | |
1404532271 | 1404590376 | t3_29vjgj | t5_2to41 | 5 | Gotgoats: TIFU by showering at my boyfriends.
So about an hour ago I decided to have a nice long refreshing shower after a long morning catching up on missed episodes of my favorite show. I headed down stairs to grab fresh clothes and then decided I should shower downstairs now that the water taps are fixed and my shampoos are conveniently located there. In the midst of my bright idea I saw a neatly folded towel on my boyfriends couch. My thoughts were 'oh he mustn't of had a chance to shower this morning before leaving for work or accidentally left it there.. How convenient... I smirked to myself. Enjoying the warmth of the final last bursts of my warm shower, I reach over to the fluffy white folded towel in eagerness to wrap my now cold body in it's warmth. I start at my face devouring it straight into the towel.. I feel some little prickles and blame my long hair for falling infront of my face for the sensation. I then slowly and luxuriously move to towel down my body, now rubbing it against my skin to absorb all the water. I feel the prickle again... Had I really let my legs get THAT hairy? Meh I think, getting warm was now my main priority. Now my lady parts nice and dry... No wait the sensation again?! I better have a look... I glance down at the towel and catch a glimpse of the shower floor... Covered in short little pube like hairs... WTF... I stare blankly at the hair covered towel and all within a fraction of a second it occurs to me... The events of last night... Trimming my boyfriends overly large beard, laughing as the hairs fall on the white towel I placed around his neck, how ironic it seemed. Now made even stranger. I panic whilst trying to remove the hair that has now used my wet body to it's advantage and formed some sort of glue like bond. I look around.. No other towels in sight 'fuck' I think as I begin to freeze in the cold. It must be done, I quickly decide to run upstairs, bare naked to the safety of the upstairs shower, where I have now spent the better part of an hour removing the remains of boyfriends beard from the most intricate crevices of my body.
[deleted]: you could ave just taken another shower.
Teotwawki69: Didn't read that far, did you?
akjiepqoql: I don't think she actually turned on the shower. She went there to get a towel. If she had actually showered, all the hair would've come right off.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404532402 | 1404601792 | t3_29vjkt | t5_2to41 | 67 | bird0026: TIFU by getting a glass of tea
Because I had today off, I decided to spend part of it lounging out in the back yard while waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I set up my hammock, grabbed a book and some bug spray, and headed out. After being out for a bit the heat started to get to me so I came back inside to get a glass of iced tea.
I decided that because I was going to be the in hammock, a straw would be my best option. I quickly located my giant amusement park cup like this [one](http://www.amusementparkmom.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/20120406_6302.jpg). This cup hadn't been used since last summer when I got the cup. But it had been washed and in the cupboard so it should have been fine...
I filled it with tea, walked back outside, got in the hammock, and took a BIG gulp. Everything was fine.
Two, three more smaller gulps... do I have a hair on my tongue?
Four, five more sips...actually, it might be paper?
It's now that I start to realize that something is seriously wrong. I spit out the papery textured thing in to my hand and look at the filth before me. The straw, which must have still been wet when it got put in the cupboard had been growing globs of mold for 11 months. And I had just swallowed 80% of it in my giant gulps.
My stomach immediately begins to churn and I can feel the vomit coming up. I run inside to the bathroom and expel what can only be described as chunks of black and green death. Even the worst stomach virus has never caused me to violently vomit as much as this has.
Even the idea of drinking tea gives me the urge to gag now.
**TLDR:** Drank from a straw that had 11 months of mold stored inside. Vomited like no one has ever vomited before.
tishstars: Ahh so this is how the cordyceps infection gets transferred into humans, leading to the zombie apocalypse. Well done OP, your fuckup may have doomed the entire human race.
Enghiskhan: On the bright side: us survivors (cause I'm totally going to be a survivor) might have a shit load of fun!
edgebigfan: >*have a shit load of fun*
By being almost dead?
Enghiskhan: By having no rules, and unleashing my inner viking.
tishstars: So basically you want to become a sociopath like Negan or The Govnah?
| 6 | 11.166667 | |
1404529714 | 1404763097 | t3_29vgxi | t5_2to41 | 21 | CrossfireZer0: TIFU-By trading in my Xbox 360
I went to Gamestop to trade in my Xbox 360 and purchase an Xbox one. I put everything in a big box. Games, console, controllers. So I'm standing there with my wife talking about games with the cashier, and I just happen to look in the box. There sits a used condom that must have been from our last sexy time. I look up at the cashier, back to the condom, then back to my wife. I grab the condom and shove it into my pocket. I still hope they didn't see it, but I'm almost positive they all died laughing after I died of embarrassment.
galloway188: i'm surprise they allowed you to trade in your xbox 360 after spotting that nasty thing in there
ArcZVeigar: Gamestop
A_Wizards_Apprentice: Power to the Players!
SidiusMaximus89: HAHAHAHAHA. Right on.
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1404531522 | 1404628750 | t3_29viqg | t5_2to41 | 61 | robertdowneyjrjunior: TIFU by tweeting Anthony Cumia from Opie and Anthony.
I heard about the shit storm on his twitter, so I read it and tweeted something that wasn't supportive of his behavior
He retweeted me making a comment about how I look and that my dad must be proud. (He was until he died in 2012)
My phone won't stop going off. Every angry asshole behind a keyboard that follows him is sending me crazy, misogynistic, violent tweets. People are making special accounts to send me hate. I've been informed that I'm a slutty, fat, self harming, juggalo (I'm wearing heavy makeup in my profile picture so obviously I'm down with the clown. I'm not), attention hungry bitch that needs to kill herself.
They learned that from a 5 word tweet. Amazing.
I've turned off notifications, removed any identifying information from my profile, and set my twitter to private.
So basically, TIFU by having an opinion and being a girl that occasionally wears heavy makeup.
Teotwawki69: Don't let the legions of tiny-dicked, woman-hating, basement dwelling neckbeards who know nothing get you down. They have nothing in their lives except defending what I'm sure was an ignorant comment in the first place. And Anthony was a bigger asshole for retweeting with negative comments instead of just ignoring you.
Remember: you can always take off your make-up and lose weight (if you need to, but since that's a standard insult from these types, you probably don't) but they can never increase their dick size or IQ.
EDIT: Just saw what Anthony tweeted. God, what a hateful c*nt. He got what he deserved by being fired.
LRats: What did he say? There isn't anything on his twitter account.
Teotwawki69: He basically went on a racist tirade after getting punched in the face by a black woman who took offense when he included her in photos he took in Time Square. The N-word and comparisons to animals were included in said rant.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1404533837 | 1404545462 | t3_29vl02 | t5_2to41 | 12 | cood0: TIFU because I blew up my best friend by accident tonight
Atruen: This sounds pretty sad dude I'm sorry but I don't think a sparkler can blow up a dog
turnermate: With a lot of them you can. We called them sparkler bombs as a kid.
Atruen: Then you were a pretty fucked up kid
turnermate: I'm not denying that. I never blew up a dog though, we set them off in open fields
Atruen: I did crazy shit with fireworks as a kid too. But when it comes to killing animals. Shit I'd feel fucked up just doing it
| 6 | 2 | |
1404532941 | 1404578106 | t3_29vk3i | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my dog a bath
So this happy incident only happened a few hours ago and I thought I'd share.
Given that it's summertime, and my golden retriever likes to swim a lot to cool herself down, she'd started to smell pretty ~~fowl~~ foul. I decided that today was finally the day that I'd drag her upstairs and give her a thorough cleaning in the bathtub. So I grab all the towels that I need, lay out her little treats on the counter, and start running the water to get it to a comfortable temperature.
I manage to coax her into the tub with a treat, and start washing her with the showerhead. Shampoo time comes, and I'm just going about my business scrubbing her neck and upper back area, when all of a sudden, I see a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head so that I have full view of her back just in time to see a [cave centipede](http://www.whatsthatbug.com/wp-content/uploads//2009/11/house_centipede_laura.jpg) zoom its fucking way up the side of her leg and onto her butt. And this dickwad is huge.
Now, I'd say that I'm a relatively chill person when it comes to most bugs - I can deal with spiders, beetles, flies, etc. with no problem. But for some reason cave centipedes make me want to curl up inside a hole, douse myself in gasoline, and repeat the process several times over. So naturally, I freak the fuck out and scream. My dog then takes this as the signal that bathtime is over, and leaps triumphantly out of the tub, still covered in soapy suds, and shakes like a mofo, spraying shampoo and water all over the bathroom and myself. But those aren't the only things that flew off her. Nope, that fucking demon insect is catapulted off of her as well. It lands about a foot away from me, and starts shooting towards where I'm standing. At this point I'm having a near mental breakdown, desperately trying to keep the thing within my sight, while simultaneously jumping around and yelling at my family for backup. But, despite my blood-curdling screams, they take their dear sweet fucking time to come to my rescue.
As I'm having this minor seizure, at the last second, the piece of shit bug decides to crawl underneath the towel that's been laid out on the floor, and disappears from my sight. Finally, my dad comes in and after a quick debriefing, merely lifts up the towel and squishes the little fuck like it was nothing. The adrenaline slowly starts to wear off, and with each passing moment, I realize what an incredible pussy I am. He then says that the centipede probably crawled up through the drain, and walks out.
Yeah, fuck that bathroom.
TheRedditNub: > a cave centipede zoom its fucking way up the side of her leg and onto her butt.
One letter. One letter difference and this would be the most horrifying story ever.
koalified__: Could you please explain? I don't get it...
Qwertification: Onto switched to Into
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1404535833 | 1404744189 | t3_29vmxx | t5_2to41 | 226 | dicklessfishcornshit: TIFU by biting into a hardboiled egg I heated up in the fucking microwave
This was a while ago. College student, shitty cook. Made like 6 hardboiled eggs, saved three for later in the fridge. (The shells were peeled.) Next morning, it's early as balls, I'm half conscious. I wake up, heat them up in the microwave for 20 seconds.
Take a bite. INSTANT REGRET. The fucking thing explodes in my mouth. Probably because the built up pressure or something. It does some hella fucking damage– takes a chunk out of my upper lip, burns the roof of my mouth, scars the inside of my lip– and I take that as an excuse to go back to fucking bed and skip my 8:30 class. Like I really needed an excuse.
FaceOfHo: That sounds eggstremely painful...
dicklessfishcornshit: It was eggcruciatingly painful
ThatNativeFromAlaska: I usually don't care for punny comments at all, but dammit you two hit it out of the park!
dicklessfishcornshit: I hope my puns went over easy with you.
Username__Irrelevant: There's no sunny, up side to this story.
ViolentThespian: We're all just yolking around anyway.
xshivax: As an Englishman I'd have to say these egg puns are absolutely cracking, really runny.
| 8 | 28.25 | |
1404535757 | 1404537176 | t3_29vmvc | t5_2to41 | 8 | ThatNativeFromAlaska: TIFU by thinking I could work on my toilet...
So I have been recently sent out to a small village in the middle of Alaska for a month long project for work. They've only had running water and sewage the past few years here and not very many people who can actually work on it when anything happens. Well I am here and couldn't find anyone to work on my toilet leaking. I knew it was the wax seal which connects the toilet to the sewage system. So I read up and learn I have to pull out the toilet and flip it upside down. Well this model toilet has the shit shoot out of the back of the toilet instead of straight down. I pull the toilet out and i see the wax ring separate like pulling play-doh apart. The side that stuck to the wall and sewer side slowly fell off the wall and flopped on the floor. I was trying to hurry through this once I got a good whiff of the shit coming out of the pipe. So I use my hand to scoop up the remaining wax left there. So my hand scoops it up and immediately realize I just fucked up! It didn't feel like the wax should.. The texture was far too squishy and a bit grainy... I look at my hand to see a big pile of shit in my hand.. A big concoction of shit left behind from the previous renters! How could I be so stupid. I immediately start puking on the bathroom floor trying to make it to the bathtub. I NEED TO WASH MY HANDS RIGHT NOW! I jump up and start running to the boiler room where the main water valve comes in, gagging and dry heaving every step. Flip it on, run to the sink and all I hear is water spraying loudly. Well the water line to the toilet was still unattached and is spraying water everywhere, which is spreading my puke all over the place. Now I'm running back to turn the water off, hand still caked in someone else's shit, still gagging profusely. I turn it off, run back to the bathroom to attach the hose so I can wash my motherfucking shit soiled hand off and slip in the water/puke mixture flooding out of the bathroom. Land flat on my back in the wetness. Hop up, connect the hose, run back and switch the water valve back on and finally I'm scraping my shit covered hand right into the kitchen sink. Shit landing into my dirty dishes that had piled up over the past day and a half. I finally get my hand cleaned off and go to look at the mess in the bathroom, which has now spread into the hallway and spare bedroom I'm using for equipment storage. Then I realize my back is covered in my puke from the bathroom floor and my pants are soaked. Smelling my own puke on me made me puke just one last fucking time! Then spent the next two hours cleaning and sanatizing EVERYTHING and then finished with the toilet. And I swear I still smell shit coming from my hand even a good 6 hours later. But its 4th of July, I'm getting holiday pay for working on my own shit and my toilet now flushes without leaking so I got that going for me..
TL;DR: Tried to work on my toilet... Ended up with a hand full of shit, a back covered in puke and a flooded bathroom and hallway.
Oh and shit all over my dishes in the kitchen sink. Fuck.
ScratchMyBumhole: Sorry to hear that you had a shitty day.
ThatNativeFromAlaska: It's got slightly better after taking my first poop on the toilet
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1404536116 | 1404701002 | t3_29vn7p | t5_2to41 | 55 | queenblackacidd: TIFU by trying to hug my boyfriend's grandpa.
As context, my boyfriend's grandfather is 89 and like many other people his age, relies on a cane to get around. I had heard he's a tough man to win over and I really wanted to do just that. Today was my first time meeting him. He put his cane aside and went in for a hug after a handshake . I went in as well and perhaps I was a bit too forceful. I felt him slipping and I tried so desperately to stop it but it was too late. Down he went, and with him went my hope for a positive impression.
Tl;dr I tried to hug my boyfriend's grandpa and ended up knocking him down.I
youtbuddcody: Don't leave us hanging OP! How'd it turn out?
Aww_Shucks: He ended up falling head over heels and gave his grandson his approval.
queenblackacidd: He's okay, thankfully, and I also still have a boyfriend so I've got that going for me which is nice.
Later he actually sat down and asked me "So I don't have much time left. When is the wedding?" All is not totally lost.
Aww_Shucks: /thumbsup
[deleted]: Shutup asshole.
Aww_Shucks: hi
| 7 | 7.857143 | |
1404536630 | 1404537036 | t3_29vnp9 | t5_2to41 | -2 | Todaycansuckadick: TIFU by bringing my dog to work.
[deleted]: dick
Todaycansuckadick: Two fuck ups in 3 days man.
| 3 | -0.666667 | |
1404542773 | 1404569991 | t3_29vt36 | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU texting my friend
This literally just happened and I need to write about it so I can forget about it.
I spent the Fourth of July night with a girl who I have a small crush on. After talking throughout the night I learned that she and her boyfriend were taking a break and it wasn't looking great. I was understandably somewhat excited by this, so once I got home I texted my friend about what had happened with her and her SO. My only mess up is I ended up somehow texting the girl instead of my friend. She seemed like she was pretty cool about it but I can't shake the feeling that I'm kind of a creep (and now she knows it).
TheManOfTimeAndSpace: Don't worry. Just own that shit. She probably found it flattering. Besides. If men were observant or susceptible to embarrassment stopping them from trying to score, our species would have died out long ago. We men are morons. Women know it. Just try to fail with style.
userdude95: "Just try to fail with style."
That, I fucking love that. Thank you.
frankxanders: Don't worry, its just falling. With style!
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1404549423 | 1404570581 | t3_29vxw2 | t5_2to41 | 14 | ohtheredaddy: TIFU by hooking up with 3 guys and by getting a little drunk
This just happened last night. So i got this Grindr app looking for possible boytoys (lol) and at least having a good night. I'm not really comfortable having sex so i am quite confused why am i doing this things.
So i met this guy with likable descriptions that is my type and we started chatting for some weeks. Then he asked me to come over his place so we can hang out and do alcohol and yeah..
So last night after office I commuted from work to his place. Then i met him. He was a total opposite of what his description from the app. I am a little dismayed (tho i already seen his pictures) by his overall appearance but i need to do this and pursue this shit, He fetched me and bought some pica pica and a bottle of brandy. I am aware that i got some allergy from alcohol but i am not sure what kind of alcohol that was because it was a long time ago since i drank some liquor
Then we arrived at his place. He got two cousins living with him and they were as just as not as my type. So i gotta keep it cool. We watched movies, discussed some shit and took shots from the brandy. I was feeling a tipsy and itchy that time so i asked him to stop giving me the brandy. Then he got up, touched my jewels and he was kinda getting amped. I just said i wanted to sleep. Then we proceeded to his bedroom. (And yeah they were chain smokers and i almost suffocated since i hate cigarette smoking)
So in the bedroom. He got kinda nasty and frisky. He started kissing me. It was meh. His mouth tasted some nicotine or whatever smokers got in their mouth. Just to become submissive i just let him do the thing and tumbled over the bed. To be honest i felt a little bit harassed, but oh well i think i just need to play around with them if i wanted to go home home one piece.
Things got worse when demons possessed me and told him i wanna hit up his cousins. So i went over their room and give them some little frisky moves. I feel dirty (the bad way).
I got back to his bed and did some little making out thingies until we got asleep.
We woke up around 1 pm and i feel bad. The allergy manifested and i'm itching on my legs and the underside of my arms. But i still pushed through. I saw his cousins sleeping and i'm still possessed by demons and i decided to get laid with them. The other one topped me while the other one comforted me since it is not easy to have that anal sex.
Feels like the biggest regret of my life.
After that commotion i said goodbye to them and they gave me some money so i can get home. I feels like some random slut. Before going home i bought some med for my allergy cause i was getting red on those areas.
When i got home and unpacked my things, i think i left my red shirt i was wearing that night at his house. It was my favorite shirt and i do not want to get back there.
tl;dr : i hooked up with Grindr, dismayed with the hookup but still pursued, met his cousins at his place and got nasty with all of them at different occasions, got allergy from brandy and i left my favorite red shirt there. I feel regretful.
mr78rpm: You need to think really carefully about the things you're going to do in your life next, now that you've done this. The fact that you could make those decisions, one after the other, bodes very poorly for your life and your happiness. WOW and clean up your act, girl.
an_ill_mallard: P sure it was a gay dude.
ohtheredaddy: nnnnnn
Gerlllllll
an_ill_mallard: ...wot?
ohtheredaddy: I think u wouldn't appreciate that vernacular
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1404549375 | 1404589898 | t3_29vxuz | t5_2to41 | 181 | MickeyRepossesi: TIFU by having sex in the dark/not using a condom (NSWF)
This happened about 3 or 4 years ago when I was in high school.
I was at a school where the one thing that would get you expelled immediately was having sex on campus- and here I was one balmy, dark night with a girl (both 18) on an oval behind a boarding house, giving her the old in-out. Curfew was coming up, and she wanted me to hurry up and cum inside her.. Usually I always wore protection but I hadn't seen this coming and wasn't going to pass on it...
As I said, it was dark. I had my pants around my hips and in order to cum quick enough I pulled out and started jacking it. Just as I was about to cum I rush to slot it back in but must have (i assume) gotten my bowstring (frenulum) caught on the prong of my belt buckle... And tore it.
Blood shot out of my fully erect penis on both of us and the surrounding area. At first we both assumed I had just shot a huge, warm load but I noticed blood on my hands and pretty much everywhere else.
I had to walk to the medical centre at school with a bloody crotch and explain to the the old female nurses that I had an issue "down there"- since it was late they had to call in the school doctor from wherever he lived.. He gave it a good look and sent me off with some cream. I had to talk to the nurses and him about what to write in my medical files since I couldn't let it get out to anyone I was having sex, so officially I fell over and got pierced in the hip with a stick or some crap.
Also, it was really awkward asking the girl not to tell anyone why she was coming back to the boarding house covered in blood. Dick blood. Needless to say, it got out.
Blooddawn: That's a fuck up but it's honestly better than keeping it in her and knocking up some chick in high school.
MickeyRepossesi: Got that covered too.... Different girl
DrawsForDrugs: You ever think that would be the point you STOP having unprotected sex? Regardless of the situation?
MickeyRepossesi: The instance in this story was the first time unprotected.. the knock up was the 2nd... I've learnt me lesson... A condom wouldn't have saved my bowstring but it would have gone down differently
DrawsForDrugs: Eh, I read this as a **Today** I fucked up. I should have reread.
| 6 | 30.166667 | |
1404542241 | 1404631416 | t3_29vspn | t5_2to41 | 8 | fozzarz: TIFU By not reading the full label on a water purification tablet bottle
So I was backpacking with some friends for a few days, and we'd been getting water from a nearby stream and cleaning it with water purification tablets. First time we did it, I only read the first 4 steps, which basically said to put a tablet in and leave it for 5 minutes. I didn't think much of it, and that's what we did for the entire three days we stayed there, using this water to cook and drink. Last morning and we're getting ready to leave, I finally read step 5. "After leaving for 5 minutes, shake well and let sit for 30 minutes to enable purification."
**TL;DR** Might have giardia
SquiddyTheMouse: Dude, if you were drinking it for 3 days with no signs of illness, you're fine. Unless the water was obviously contaminated, you shouldn't have needed the tablets anyway.
fozzarz: well tablets are always for saftey, but it was not supposed to be exceptionally dirty water anyways. Yeah I've decided at this point that I don't have giardia, but I did think it might have an incubation period or some kind of delayed effect.
SquiddyTheMouse: I checked on wikipedia, and it says symptoms may occur two days after ingestion, so I think you're safe :)
| 4 | 2 | |
1404551355 | 1404552578 | t3_29vz64 | t5_2to41 | 15 | cringemeistergeneral: TIFU...by borrowing my housemates vibrator while she was out [NSFW]
TIFU...or more specifically last night i fucked up, although the bulk of the incident happened after midnight and is still ongoing.
So it's Friday night and I come home from a night at the pub. It was a great evening, everyone was out to watch the Brazil Columbia world cup game and by the time I was home i'd seen away a good 6 pints.
So I get home and all of my housemates are out including my female housemate who had been away all week. Having hit the sweet spot of just enough booze I realize that I am horny as fuck.
I'm a straight guy but when I am super horny I like to mix things up with some gay porn, and as I was home alone I went searching in my housemates room for something that might mix it up a bit. I find a bag under her bed containing 2 dildos, a bullet vibe and some lube. I grab it all and take it to my room, i'll spare you the details of what ensued, but mid session I hear our front door open and someone come home.
I live with two other guys so thought it was probably one of them, but sure enough I hear her door open and her slump into her room. Now my heart is beating a million times a minute and a feeling of total dread looms over me. I'm here with 3 of her vibrators and her lube with no way to return it. I'm awake for the next 2 hours, and so is she, there was no fucking way I could sneakily return it tonight, so I just go to sleep.
Now it's the next morning and she is still upstairs. My plan of action is to wait for her to go to the shower and then try to return it then. Still I very much suspect that she has already realized they are missing so she'll know it's me that has taken them. BUSTED!!!
What would you do reddit? I'll update later
**UPDATE**
OK back for a final update in case anyone is still interested.
After I returned them while she was in the shower I hung around in our living room for a bit to either come clean or say nothing and see if I got away with it. Eventually she emerged looking pretty tired. I did the usual "how was your week?" to gauge her reaction. She seemed a bit off, and we exchanged a couple of awkward glances. My paranoid side was screaming out that she knew but I didn't have the capacity to admit it then and there, so I went ahead with my weekend plans to go to a festival that was happening in our city this weekend.
Since then I've seen her for the past few days and even gotten drunk with her a couple of times this week. If she was going to confront me about it (and I think she would if she knew I had done it) then she has had many an opportunity to do it.
So long story short, I got away with it haha!
PS A couple of people mentioned about washing it etc, despite my total lack of respect for her personal stuff, I did have the courtesy to wrap it before i used it!
[deleted]: Throw them outside in the garbage.
If she asks just say you were buzzed, went searching the rooms, found them and thought it'd be the FUNNIEST thing ever to play a little dumb prank. Might help if you get some rob some other roommate's things as well.
cringemeistergeneral: Too late man, she just went into the shower and I returned them as planned. She's back in her room, I'm not fucking stealing them again ha!
[deleted]: Cool.
I think it might be time to do a bit of NSFW internet shopping though.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1404548606 | 1404552621 | t3_29vxcd | t5_2to41 | 24 | laksjdnthrowaway: TIFU by showing up exactly 1 day late for my homebound international flight.
My wife and I booked our air tickets 2 months before we travelled to the UK. Not once since I booked the tickets did either of us look at the ticket. For our return home, we arrived at the airport one day after the flight was scheduled to leave and found this out only when the guy at the check-in counter said our flight had left the day before.
Can't claim anything by insurance.
I had to spend the equivalent of 1 entire month's pay to book a flight for the next day.
This is the dumbest thing I have done in my entire life. I still can't believe I didn't look at the dates on my ticket even once.
(edited a spelling)
Mustaka: I have missed flights before. Normally they just charge a fee to get on the next available flight. Why you had to purchase a whole new ticket does not sound right.
laksjdnthrowaway: "No show" fee + price difference of how much I already paid compared with price of a new ticket.
| 3 | 8 | |
1404556677 | 1404997293 | t3_29w2im | t5_2to41 | 94 | ProjectOrigin: TIFU by not having sex with the girl I really like.
Its 6 am now and I just got home after a very sad event in my life.
I drove this girl home that I like, and we just walked around and talked looking at the ducks and telling stories. We ended up in the backseat of my car where she leaned over with her head rested on my chest and her hand was on my junk. I put my hand on hers, and then nothing. She didn't keep going and I had no idea how to proceed. Next thing you know she falls asleep because of the alcohol (I was drunk too and no I wasn't driving). I don't know if she just pretended to sleep because I didn't keep it going or if she really did pass out. Chances are she wont remember but I will as its eating me alive now. TIFU my chances of having sex with the girl of my dreams/most attractive girl I've ever met.
[deleted]: You did the right thing not taking advantage of her man ..
Infant_Infidel: I completely agree with you. "Falling asleep" or "passing out" are definitely ***NOT*** a girl's way of saying, "I think we should have sex now."
It's important for young men to learn that early. OP, I repeat, **having sex with a girl that is asleep or passed out is taking advantage. I assure you, no female you meet will wake up in the morning and ask you why you didn't fuck her when she was helpless.**
ProjectOrigin: I was drunk writing this. She was basically asking to have sex all night I could tell by all the signs I just didn't know when it was going to happen.
We were sitting there in the backseat and she was just feeling my crotch and then she kinda just stopped and I was like "Are you ok? whatsup?" and she was like "yeaaaa" in a sexy voice and then She had her hand there still. I felt like she may have just been waiting for me to make a move and because I didn't pretended to fall asleep to avoid the situation. Once again I would never have sex with a passed out girl.
SecondTalon: If she wants to fuck you, she'll fuck you sober.
5ft4masterrace: Debatable. If they're friends the case is often that neither is willing to make a move when they're sober. Having alcohol involved leaves room for plausible deniability in the case of a move being poorly received, i.e. that it was a drunk mistake.
That said, it sounds like, in this case, she *was* probably too drunk to make a reasonable call. OP, if you're friends just be flirty with her next time you're drinking together. And make a move before you're both that drunk.
SecondTalon: No. **If she wants to fuck you, she'll fuck you sober.**
If she nor you can get up the stones to ask to fuck while sober - you don't deserve to fuck.
Now, if you've been dating someone for a few months and you've had sex a few times and one of you is plastered and down to fuck - that's fine, that's a different scenario.
Someone you've never been intimate with? If they're down to fuck, they'll be down when they're sober. If they're asking to fuck while drunk, you don't fuck them - you follow up with them when they're sober.
If you can't have that conversation because it's awkward or the other person can't because it's embarrassing or something, one of you isn't emotionally secure or mentally mature enough for sex.
If she.. or he.. wants to fuck you, they'll fuck you sober. End of story.
5ft4masterrace: No. **If she wants to fuck you, she'll fuck you when she's comfortable.**
It's not about "getting up the stones to ask to fuck" it's about being comfortable and confident enough to blur the line between friendship and something more. You have to remember that drinking is not the same as drunk. Someone is still perfectly capable of making decisions after a couple of drinks, even if those are decisions they may not have made (**though they might have wanted to**) while sober because they are too busy worrying about the consequences.
You have clearly never straddled the line between friendship and "something more" before. It's not about it being awkward or embarrassing, nor having the emotional maturity/security. It's about a fear of crossing that line and irrevocably changing things. Like I said, alcohol eases the transition and allows for plausible deniability in the case that things go wrong.
| 8 | 11.75 | |
1404556481 | 1404594139 | t3_29w2e1 | t5_2to41 | 4,544 | ohceedee: TIFU by slapping my girlfriend in the face (NSFW)
I am in a fairly new relationship with a girl who speaks English as her third language. She speaks English very well, but sometimes there are words that she mixes up from time to time.
We decided to go on a group vacation with some friends, and we had a room to ourselves. We previously had sex a few times, but we were just starting to get into the "what do you like to do during sex?" phase. She told me that she really enjoyed the man being rough with her during sex. I told her I had no issues with that, and wanted to know how rough she liked for the man to get. She said that she really enjoyed being held down, hair pulled, slapped, etc. I agreed to try these things with her the next time.
So fast forward to later that night. We are having sex, and I reach up and slapped her in the face. Nothing too hard, but enough to hurt for sure. She had somewhat of a shocked look on her face, but I felt like it was all apart of the act, so I reached up and slapped her a second time a little harder. She stops and asks "What are you doing?" I said "Slapping you like you asked" and she replied with "No, the slapping on the ass!" "Do you mean spank?" "YES! Spanking! Not slapping!"
She was incredibly understanding, but I still couldn't help but feel bad about what I did.
DoraTheSpaceExplorah: Did you slap her right off the bat or did you do some other "rough" things before slapping her? The story is a lot more comical to me if you just went right for the face.
ohceedee: I believe I was pulling her hair with one hand and slapping her with the other at the exact same time. So to answer your question...kind of.
Aarenas52: Yeah, you like that you fucken retard?
Haha I'm sorry i had too!
GymLeaderMia: I understood that.
Forever_Awkward: I too have previously read this popular reddit post and understand. I would like some upvotes for referring to this please.
GymLeaderMia: I will award you with one. One upvote.
sockrepublic: I am giving you a downvote because I have now arbitrarily decided that the joke has gone far enough.
GymLeaderMia: And I'll give you an upvote just to spite you and your stupid Internet points.
ilikeeatingbrains: ...MOM, MEATLOAF!
lurkerdontpost: Mom, spaghetti?
| 11 | 413.090909 | |
1404560369 | 1404659302 | t3_29w4uc | t5_2to41 | 672 | justasoft: TIFU when I got booty-called after drinking IPAs
There's a girl I've known for a several months now. We don't see each other that often but every once in a while we'll be at the same party, or we'll send a couple texts back and forth. Nothing major, but I'd consider us friends. The type of person you'd be happy to see at the bar but not someone you'd call up on Friday night to go to the bar with, if that makes sense.
She's a latina chick with tons of tattoos, a pierced tongue, and a great body. I'm not really interested in dating her (for reasons I won't get into), but I'm unbelievably attracted to her physically. There's just something about her that turns me on like no other. We've never hooked up, but a month or two ago she stayed over at my place after a party and we fooled around but didn't have sex. We hadn't talked much after that.
Last night we were both pretty drunk and ended up having a long facebook conversation at 3am, agreeing to hang out and watch Lord of the Rings at my new place on Sunday.
Today, I went over to my old house to do the July 4th thing with friends and my old roommate. Had a beer or two, ate BBQ, swam, etc. I ended up staying to hang out with my ex-roomie for a while and went home around 11pm. I was in a good mood and treated myself to three [Myrcenary](http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/267/66436/)'s (an *excellent* double-IPA, 9.3%) while watching some documentaries on Netflix. I was mildly buzzed and headed to bed. Before sleep I like to masturbate, and so I did...
Literally within 5 minutes of me finishing, she texts me asking if I'm awake (~145am). I say yes, and she responds asking to come over. I'm doing fist pumps and high fiving myself because everyone knows what this means and I've wanted to bang this chick since the second I saw her. So I text her my address, she shows up and I give her the tour of the new place before sitting on the couch to watch some TV.
One thing leads to another and we're making out hot n heavy on the couch. I make a comment about how comfortable my couch was (I just bought a bunch of new furniture in the move) and she says "I like your bed more." Awesome. We take things to the bedroom and things start escalating, we're getting naked and she's telling me how bad she wants to fuck me.
The only problem was... My dick wouldn't get hard. I was seemingly stuck in perpetual semi-chub. This is NOT a common problem for me -- I'm usually too quick to rise, if anything. I guess between the booze and the very recent masturbation, the damn thing just didn't want to work. After about 15 minutes of trying to get it up, she finally told me that she should go so I can get some rest. When I said that's the last thing I want to do right now, she responded "well your little buddy there seems like he just wants to go to sleep. I've got to work in the morning anyway, I shouldn't have come over in the first place." I asked her if she still wanted to hang out on Sunday like we planned, and she said "maybe. We'll see."
So now she's gone and I'm just sitting here with an empty feeling inside, a limp dick, and hoping I didn't miss the train permanently for what I can only imagine would be some really fantastic sex.
**tl;dr got buzzed, masturbated before bed, immediately afterward got booty-called, couldn't get it up.**
newark02: Being a college guy myself i am going to give you a whiskey dick secret (Works about 50% of the time) Like you, my guy has no problem rising on command, except when i get way too shithoused. here's what to do. Play it cool and tell her you have to take a piss before you start(She can play with herself in the meantime). Once in the bathroom do about 10 body weight squats(Kind of hard to do drunk, but it gets blood flowing) After that take a little bit of lukewarm water on your hand or a cloth to help stimulate..Last step, take some deep breaths and visualize your dream girl/pornstar in there and you might just be good to go. Tip- Take no longer than 1-2 minutes to do this process otherwise she'll get suspicious. Hope this helps haha
DaegobahDan: Also, learn to give amazing head. That will give you 30+ minutes to work it out. You can use one hand to finger her and use the other to jerk off until you can get it up.
roadrunnuh: it sounds like you have some war stories id love to hear
DaegobahDan: I was fortunate enough to see [this video](http://www.xvideos.com/video51477/nina_hartley_giving_pussy-eating_lessons_to_sunny_lane) a while ago and it changed my life.
Very, very actually not safe for work.
RochelleH: I might be the anomaly, but I have had this done to me and did not enjoy it at all.
DaegobahDan: I'm sorry for you.
RochelleH: It's not intimate... it feels like something seen on a porno and tried out at home. I think this is the reason I couldn't get into it, but bless my SO's heart for trying out new stuff.
DaegobahDan: Oral sex is not intimate? What planet are you from?!
RochelleH: I'm talking about the video where the guy sticks his two middle fingers up her twat and fucks her til she squirts...
DaegobahDan: O_O I don't think we are watching the same video....
RochelleH: Oh crap, we aren't. I was watching the one lower down in the comments and accidentally commented here. Pussyeating is good and fine.
DaegobahDan: =D
(Edit: that's supposed to be a smiley face not a dick tip.)
| 13 | 51.692308 | |
1404563753 | 1405029707 | t3_29w79o | t5_2to41 | 2,235 | If_it_was_You: TIFU by having sex with the wrong girl
This happened almost five years ago and it is still my personal story of ultimate shame. I was about 23 and enjoying collecting as much sexual experience as I could. I was not really looking for a serious relationship at that point of my life, I'd rather go for the quick thrill whenever I could.
So there was this party at a friend's place. I had had way too many drinks, just like this quite cute girl (at least I thought she was cute, I was very, very drunk) I had just met that night and we were getting along quite well. However, our - or shall I say her - ambitions didn't actually go beyond making out this evening. We exchanged numbers and that was it.
For the next few days, we texted each other and decided we should meet up again. We fixed a date at a bar near her place, which was in quite a shady neighborhood of Vienna. Since I had been drunk and generally have a terrible memory when it comes to faces, I was a bit worried that I wouldn't recognize her again, but optimistic 23-years-old-me figured that everything would just turn out okay.
So I arrived at the location about five minutes late and there I see her, standing infront of the bar and checking her mobile. She wasn't quite as cute as I remembered her, but still very okay. I put on my most charming smile and said: "I hope you haven't been waiting for too long", when I approached her. She seemed a bit puzzled, but said it was okay. We went in to have some drinks. When I insisted on paying for her drinks, she again seemed to be a bit surprised, but then again, I didn't think much of it. We were talking about everyday-stuff, what kind of music she liked and what else.
I could definetly feel some chemistry building up and besides her being a bit more quiet than I remembered her, everything was going well. And then things started to get strange. After about an hour of chit-chat, she suddenly asked me completely out of the blue: "Do you want to fuck? My place is just around the corner." Do I need to mention that I had an instant hard-on? Never in my life had a girl I had practically just met asked me something like that so directly. From this moment, what little brain-activity I had had ceased to exist. Never again have I exited a bar as quickly as that evening.
Her apartment was a small one, but nice. Not really a lot of personal stuff in it such as photos and such things, a bit blank and empty, so to speak. However, I didn't care much about that, because for the next hour or so, we proceeded to fuck as wildly as I had never fucked before, including me licking, fingering and fucking her ass, which she was quite comfortable with. All in all, it must have just looked like a scene out of a bad-taste hardcore-porno.
After the deed was done and the seed was spilled, I felt quite relieved and was getting ready to relax. I remember thinking that this girl was great and that I should definetly keep in touch with her. And then came the sad revelation.
After a couple of minutes, she started to dress and told me I had to leave now and pay her 300 Euro. Yes, pay her. It turned out that instead of fucking the girl I had met at the party the other night, I had fucked ... a prostitute. It had been a coincidence or pure mockery by the gods that Girl A had decided not to show up for our date and Girl B just happened to be standing at the exact same spot I had expected Girl A to be in. I was shocked when I finally saw through this farce that was my sex-life. It was just like in a bad crime-movie where someone violently shuts the door of his hotel-room and the number on the door changes from a 9 to a 6.
Of-course I hadn't enough money to pay her. I tried to explain the situation to her, but that didn't please her. The look on her face also suggested that she didn't believe me. To be fair, I wouldn't have believed this story neither. I ended up giving her my phone-number so I could deliver the money within 24 hours.
The aftermath: I told the story to my family because I was feeling helpless and could think of no way to pay-off a 300 Euro bill from a hooker. Yes, that was hilarious. I was threatened by a pimp, who would break my legs if I wouldn't pay. Yes, that was also hilarious. I went to the police who put an end to those threats. That was the most hilarious part. I spoke to the girl who hadn't shown up for our date, because I was suspecting a sheme or set-up and told her the whole story. She was innocent. I never got a chance for a second first date after that. :-(
TLDR: I'm a whoremonger, but I didn't pay for sex.
Fallen0001: You rimmed a hooker....ha ha haaaaaa!!
[deleted]: I wouldn't do that with my wife. To each their own (and I truly mean that), but eeeeeeeeeeeeeeyuck.
FapFapLulz: send her my way then
[deleted]: ...
ಠ_ಠ
...
No.
ilofty: Hey man, if she is clean out the shower/bath, why not? It's only an inch lower from where you're already licking..
e-rekt: Most people don't give themselves an enema when the shower/bathe.
TheJeffreyRoberts: You're doing it wrong.
e-rekt: Damn, I'll stand on my head and poor the shampoo bottle in there, then direct the shower over that-a-ways, and let it get all sudsy.
YoungZer0: I think Jeffrey means that you don't have to put in your entire tongue in there.
TheJeffreyRoberts: How do you know my name?!
YoungZer0: HAH! I was just guessing, now I know your name is Jeffrey.
TheJeffreyRoberts: ABORT THREAD!
| 13 | 171.923077 | |
1404556547 | 1404568197 | t3_29w2fw | t5_2to41 | 12 | SpaceCricket: TIFU by peeing all over my pants
Soo, working night shifts at work this week. I'm tired and not thinking clearly. Sitting in the bathroom, vaping while shitting (private bathroom, single toilet), everything's going fine. What follows a good poop? Well a nice pressure releasing piss. Thinking my dick is just hangin down pointing into the bowl like normal, I just begin to piss like it's no big deal. About 10ish seconds later, I feel something liquid and warm by my feet. I look down and realize that for whatever reason, the very front part of the toilet is rather low, and my dick isn't exactly pointing downward but more straight forward. Result: me pissing all over my boxers and scrub pants. I mean, all over. There was no getting rid of it. It was on the back of my pants, so I had I tried to dry it and play it off, it would've looked I sharted myself. There was no winning this one. So I B-lined it to the scrub machine and got new scrubs. Thank god it's night shift, it was 0100 and nobody saw me. Crisis averted.
Kawaii_Fart_Tits: You ain't cool unless you pee your pants!
SpaceCricket: Peepants peepants
| 3 | 4 | |
1404560657 | 1404621783 | t3_29w515 | t5_2to41 | 265 | Yolo-contendre: TIFU by having a Straw-Ber-Rita on the beach with my parents.
It is the Fourth of July. I am six months away from being 21. I am in Florida. Naturally, this means gunning three Straw-Ber-Rita's in under thirty minutes in front of my own mother reading on her Kindle
For some background information. My parents are centrally-liberal white people, though my dad does get searched a lot at airports because he's Italian and therefore (suspect), and we are a happily nuclear family of five. After like four days of breaking down his mental barriers, I finally exhausted my Dad to the point of saying, "Yes daughter. I will buy you these BudLight liquid treats if you'll stop asking me to take a shot with you on the fourth."
So he did.
He came down at twelve with a cooler filled with Straw-Ber-Rita's. By this point, my count in the sun with no water was about two hours. Food you ask? Two donuts from Donut Hut, eaten hastily at six AM. I gunned one drink in less than ten minutes. Pausing to think maybe I should pace myself, and then immediately overriding that thought, I took the next one down in another ten minutes. I like to imagine strangers witnessed my head transfiguring into an anteater's face as I slurped up disgusting Straw-Ber-Rita nectar into my muzzle.
More background: for those of you that haven't probably figured it out yet, I am female. And I don't drink normally. But this was too good to pass up; the delightful madness of getting tipsy on the beach with my very middle-aged parents for NO REASON.
So, an hour, three hours, who knows (I didn't), passes, and I start to notice that I can't lay on one side of my body without feeling extremely dizzy. The entire world spun beneath me. So I switched. That fixed the problem. Another indeterminable amount of time passes me by; then THAT side becomes dizzy. Then I spit up a stream of red-pink liquid into the sand in front of me and turn to my mom and say, "I think I need to go inside."
My dad ends up shepherding me to our condo, and I stumble into the bathroom, puke, and then turn the shower on (BECAUSE I HAVE SUNSCREEN ON ME AND IT'S TIME TO SHOWER). Now, more background information: I am on my period. I am also wearing a tampon.
I pull out the tampon, check the water, and then plop back down on the toilet. And then FORGET that I had already taken my tampon out. So I go digging for it. And I go digging some more. Huh? Nothing? Oh - what's this! And I proceed, very brutally, to pull out my own IUD. There it was, the ruby cross, just bleeding in my hand.
So I very calmly put it down, pull up my soiled bottoms, go to my mother's room (she was back by now, presumably to keep a watch on her offspring), and say, "Mom. I fucked up."
And I had.
Sandtism: Three drinks and you tore out your IUD.
This is glorious.
rebop: >Three wine coolers
Sinamun: These are defintely not wine coolers. I drink these, the small 8 oz ones, and they have just as much alcohol content as my boyfriend's normal sized beers.
rebop: So 3 beers... wow.
Sinamun: She didn't have the regular sized ones. She had the "tall boys". They are larger. Also, females have a lower tolerance than males. They aren't as big.I'm 5'2" and i can drink like four or five and feel pretty fuzzy. It depends on size and tolerance how much a person can handle. She said she is very short with a very low body weight, it would be incredibly easy for her to get drunk on just a few drinks.
| 6 | 44.166667 | |
1404564050 | 1404574780 | t3_29w7i7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU Bhangarh Fort - #1 Haunted Place In India
ionised: How exactly is this a TIFU story?
pyrowolf8: It's just spam. It's been removed
ionised: Figured it would be, eventually. I keep wondering if these OPs are just daft and will ever bother offering rationale as to why they submit this sort of thing.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404566571 | 1404589850 | t3_29w9ji | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by rejoining previous employer in just 4 days
The new job was crappy. Long working hours (50 hrs/week), not so good pay.
The previous employer gave me a hint that he would like to work again in future. I have been here for 2 years and I thought instead of wasting time at new job, going back wouldn't hurt as I left on good terms.
This is what I got the next day on WhatsApp
http://m.imgur.com/9JYVgsr
Itsbrown4606: If you're supposed to be at work at 10 and you don't get there 'til 11, that makes you a problem employee. Regardless of whether or not he let you slide on it before, he has every right to hold you to it. It's not "very controlling" of him to reprimand you for being late to you, it's him doing his job as a manager.
theindiandick: Actual office timing is 11 to 7.30.
Timings suddenly changed for me next day I came back. Other employees still come at 11. It's not like I don't perform well, I was his favourite. But going to another job and coming back so soon makes him think I have problems adjusting at other places which is not true. I came back coz he expressed interest in getting me back. Now, I have lost some respect in his eyes for my poor decision making.
dudeonlyforlbgw: You gotta change the job man.
| 4 | 1 | |
1404571625 | 1404583633 | t3_29wejm | t5_2to41 | 66 | Daisley: TIFU by sneezing
So, I occasionally (like once every couple of months) get a quite bad nosebleed or two; I'm usually fine with these though, they don't cause me that much discomfort and usually last 10 minutes.
So today, I had one of these nosebleeds, and I grabbed some toilet paper and sat there playing Risk of Rain with my buddy. The toilet paper was getting a bit bloody but my nosebleed had stopped; this I was happy about. I threw the toilet paper away and continued playing games with my friend.
About 10 minutes after this happened, I felt a sudden urge to sneeze, and there was no fighting it. I sneezed blood from my nose, some specks, some lumps of clotted blood, all over my monitors and wall, took me a good 2 hours to clean.
Hope you guys get amusement from my misfortunes.
TL;DR I sneezed blood all over my monitors and wall.
lucywolf: Sneeze into your damn hands. Or at least your sleeve.
Daisley: I usually do, but this just felt so sudden; I don't know why I didn't. :(
lucywolf: Well, there you go, your monitors suffered because of your mistake :)
coveritwithgas: It's not Today, I Did Everything Right.
| 5 | 13.2 | |
1404576209 | 1404602605 | t3_29wjtr | t5_2to41 | 11 | Edward_Nox: TIFU a promising relationship by being a complete idiot.
So me and this girl Have been talking for over 2 months now (long distance). As of late communication hasn't been the greatest but we still get a chance to talk every day until I had something important to talk with her about. So we're on the phone and I trying to talk and she is distracted/busy and decided she will call back later. Later comes and still no call, so I give her a call to try to talk again. She goes on and says she would like to talk later. By this point I'm a little frustrated because what I have to say is important to me. I ended up getting really frustrated and shout a little and hung up. Since then she hasn't try to contact or reply to my last message. I don't know what to do, I was really starting to fall for this girl and I hope I didn't fuck up big time.
You guys/girls have any advice??
UPDATE: Well it's over, you guys have open my eyes a bit and I finally able to see how she actually cared. Turns out she didn't care that much at all. Time to get my butt back out there and see what happens.
Qisdaq: Just apologize and explain how you were feeling, if she doesn't respond there's nothing you can do and move on.
Edward_Nox: I have and still nothing, it has been a few days now since then. I guess I need to move on :(
tulilytx: I'm sure it doesn't feel this way right now, but from an outside perspective it seems to be HER loss, not yours. She doesn't seem to be treating you very well and you don't seem to be a priority for her. She just doesn't seem to care about your feelings :( You shouldn't waste time on a girl like - she's not worth it. My fiance and I did long distance for two years (TX-AL) and it's not easy. Communication has to be a top priority. Things get emotional, the distance takes a toll and you have to be understanding and forgiving when your partner has a rough moment and gets upset on the phone. You didn't fuck up, she showed her true colors. I'm not trying to bash the girl but her treatment of you is not right. I hope you move on to someone who treats you better.
Edward_Nox: Thanks for your input, it helps hearing things from other peoples point of view. Finding this sub today has helped a lot.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1404574981 | 1404584837 | t3_29wie1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | sqilliam: TIFU by head-butting a random girl
Just a bit of background to set the scene I'm a 6ft lump of mildly socially awkward teenager currently at high school.
So it was lunchtime and I was happily standing around with my friends eating my lunch as you do. When somebody hands me a bit of a cookie. Me not really fancying it decide to throw up in the air and catch it in my mouth to make it slightly more interesting.
Anyway I throw the cookie chunk a little bit too high and behind me. So I stumble back mouth wide open and come crashing into some poor girl in the year above me and at a last ditch effort to catch the cookie jerk my head back only to head-butt her in the temple.
After I regain balance I turn around to see my poor victim who has thrown her chips everywhere. Of course in my true gentlemanly fashion I managed to blurt out an apology and essentially throw the money for another pot of chips at her. All the time under the verbal assault of her and her sassy friend.
To make matters worst I'm pretty sure her and her scary boyfriend get on my bus so I'm hardly looking forward to Monday.
TL;DR head-butted a girl trying to catch a cookie in my mouth
jawnkoffey: Dude you're 6 ft. Just kick his ass.
Obviathrowawayname: If only life was that easy lol
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1404576276 | 1404651622 | t3_29wjwo | t5_2to41 | 553 | AdvancedNothing: TIFU... by looking through my brother's laptop (nsfw)
I needed a file for my mother, and my brother has it on his password protected laptop. Using some cunning tools, I managed to bypass his password and get into his documents and there was everything you'd expect, CV's, pictures of his wife and kids, but no document. I couldn't find the document that she wanted at all, until I noticed a shortcut to a drive in his documents folder titled "new". I assumed it must be in there. Big mistake. Cue the biggest plethora of gay porn I have ever seen. Dinner is going to be weird for a while.
EDIT: Just going to clarify some details. My brother has been an arsehole to my son because my son is openly gay, and so it was a shock to see that sort of content.
Also, he had forgotten the password he used as the laptop hasn't been used by him for over 4 years, it was given to my Mum in June 2010 but she needed a file from his documents to which he gave me permission to get
UPDATE: I spoke to my brother about it, and his response was "SO WHAT, IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL TO HAVE THOSE SORTS OF THINGS" and then he said that my son was still a "dirty little faggot". I feel his wife may discover something about her husband in the next couple of days
dancingmrt: Be honest:
Everything you and your son will say at dinner will be a double-entendre, wont it? ;)
AdvancedNothing: Almost certainly. It'll either be that or "So Mum, I found that file on David's laptop. It was in a folder marked new" and then just make eye contact with David to see how he reacts
ExplodingUnicorns: Make sure you're eating a banana slowly at the same time you make eye contact.
AdvancedNothing: He'd probably just ignore it or be like "Sis, what the fuck are you doing?"
vitriolic_amalgamati: Then she wouldn't be doing it obvious enough.. next step would have to be go eyes half closed and prod her inner cheek with the banana tip with tongue hanging out and make sex noises. Then he'll definitely know she saw his gay porn folder and will in no way think she's insinuating anything else
AdvancedNothing: Ooh, and start humming rich girl by Gwen Stefani while sensually rubbing against the table, that'd teach him!
coool12121212: so how did dinner go?
AdvancedNothing: It's 5:30AM, and he's just returned home. I've text him to ask if I can come round to talk quickly about something urgent. And now we wait.
coool12121212: England?
AdvancedNothing: Yup
Dinosoarman: So, op, what happened when you talked to him?
AdvancedNothing: Updated!
| 13 | 42.538462 | |
1404577565 | 1405305023 | t3_29wllx | t5_2to41 | 152 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my mum i was wiping my sweaty butt in my room
The other day I came home from school and noticed a strong scent of weed in the house. I had a small amount of the ganj in my bedroom which I had wrapped in toilet paper, put in a plastic bag, inside a hat and then in the back of my wardrobe behind a plastic box. It was quite a hot day and I thought the sun had just superheated my wardrobe and released the smell of the weed.
I ignored it for 10 minutes or so but I could still smell it. I thought my mum was out so I went into my room and moved the weed so I could wrap it in extra layers and prevent the smell from escaping again. This is where I made my mistake. My mum opened the door and I hid the devil's oregano under my bed covers.
My mum asked me what it was and I just said 'go away its so embarrassing.'
She continued to grill me, even asking if it was drugs and I just said no please leave. After 2 mins or so she left and I heard my brother ask what was going on. I threw the weed behind my bed and my mum and brother came back in.
They both saw the toilet paper that I had been using to wrap round the Jamaican herb and instantly asked if I was wanking or about to. Instead of settling for the easy way out I said no. Instead I made up the lie of a life time, I honestly thought this was the greatest excuse ever.
I told my mum I had taken the toilet paper into my room to wipe my butt because it was so sweaty and I thought potentially I shat myself at school.
I honestly thought that this was an incredible idea.
My mum basically called me revolting.
I avoided my mum as much as I could for the next couple hours. My bro has now decided a new nickname for me - Sweaty Poo.
Today i went to the supermarket with my mum and she was pointing out various wet wipe brands I could bring to school to wipe my butt with.
I feel this might stick with me to the grave.
brainiac256: Using wet wipes really is vastly superior. Honestly, if you want to pull this off, you should give it a try and then tell your mom you're amazed by how much cleaner you feel after using wet wipes vs. just using dry toilet paper to smear dry shit around inside your crack.
[deleted]: I have a hairy ass and it is the best thing ever. You wouldn't clean peanut butter out of carpet with a dry towel would you?
Dagegen: Why don't you just shave your butt? You wouldn't clean shit out of your head hair with wet wipes would you?
BULLSHIT_ASSHOLE: The tiny hairs are like 100's of tiny little needles poking the inside of your ass cheeks. I don't like the feel of 100's of pricks in my ass.
rxcowboy: Guess you don't take after your mother after all.
BULLSHIT_ASSHOLE: Ur an ass
rxcowboy: Hily shit dude, were you just stewing for six days and that's the best you could come up with?
BULLSHIT_ASSHOLE: Lol.
| 9 | 16.888889 | |
1404584428 | 1404684095 | t3_29wuha | t5_2to41 | 42 | skullyD: TIFU by shitting my pants while getting my teeth cleaned
This happened on Wednesday fellow redditors, you time constraining fucks.
Had my 6 month cleaning at the dentist today. Right before I left my apartment I realize I had to shit but I was running late, I could not afford to reschedule my appointment again (already rescheduled it twice before).
So here I am, prairie dogging on the car ride there. I want to shit so bad but I have a fear of shitting in public places (my dumbass). I hold it until they call my name to go get my teeth cleaned.
So, I'm getting my teeth scraped by the metal pokey tooth of death. I'm clenching my asscheeks trying to withhold my shit of a thousand suns. Suddenly I get this big burning pain sensation in my stomach, I realized I had a bowl of cereal before I left, I'm lactose intolerant. Fuck me in my poopy ass.
I had this big urging need to shit all of the sudden, and let out this massive fart/shit that smelled like rotten milk and eggs. I immediately clench and lift my head upwards in agonizing embarrassment. Bad choice.
The pointy park of the metal tool of death was still in my mouth, when I shot up clenching my shitty ass, it penetrated my gums in the back of my mouth and hung there like a fucking fish hook. I was a fucking fish.
I pulled it out and my dental assistant lady ran out of the room looking for a first aid kit.
There I was in my glory, bleeding mouth with shit pants running to the bathroom. I lock the door and shit my ever loving brains out. The sweet sweet relief.
I came out of the bathroom looking like a fucking cannibal shitter who smelled like farts and ass.
I left without finishing my cleaning. Needless to say I will be getting mg a new dentist.
TL;DR: Went for routine cleaning needing to shit, shit pants during cleaning ended up hooking my mouth with the pointy tool of death.
Ovil101: If you knew you were lactose intolerant, why would you have cereal?
Blood_and_Sin: sometimes its hard to stop eating food that you have grown up enjoying. it can take a while to cut down the intake and you still might indulge the occasional craving.
skullyD: This guy gets me.
Karmas_burning: Buy dairy supplement pills. It helps me any time I have dairy.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1404584053 | 1404589364 | t3_29wtyl | t5_2to41 | 90 | percy1221: TIFU by standing up with the ole bone cone (slightly NSFW?)
was at a friend's house with maybe 20 or so people for the fourth and we were drinking and such. the girl I was with was sitting on my lap and was rubbing the inside of my leg. being a little drunk i started to get a halfy (im sure most guys know what this feels like). it's pretty early in the night but we had been drinking all day and one of my really good friends who just got back from traveling abroad for school comes into the house and walks over to me to give me a hug. the chick gets off my lap and i start to get up to give him a hug. to make matters worse, we were the center of attention in the room because everyone wanted to greet my friend. I was also wearing basketball shorts, which are the worst possible shorts to be wearing when you're packing heat.
so I stood up at about 50% and not looking down just go in to hug my friend. after i hugged him I walked out of the room and noticed some of my other friends looking down at my crotch region. one of them complimented me on my boner and I just noped out of there
worst part was Im pretty sure the girl I was with saw which is pretty awkward. still think I got a shot at it?
Iceman5363: Just duct tape the beast down next time. Won't have to worry about any awkward situations
bellagio15: I tried that once, ended up kicking a girl in the face.
percy1221: how does such a thing happen?
TheImminentFate: Duct taped serpent to his leg - serpent lifts leg with it as it rises
| 5 | 18 | |
1404583924 | 1404601096 | t3_29wtt7 | t5_2to41 | 27 | tifu_throwaway22: TIFU by attempting to change my little cousin's diaper
Guys, today I fucked up. I was hanging out with my cousins place after fourth of July with my cousins. They had a kid a while ago, pretty decent kid. Then his mother left for a little bit because she had to go do something. Then, I was just hanging out with my baby cousin, about 8 months old or something like that, and he was making some strange faces. I then realized that he had pooed and that he was going to be uncomfortable. So I decided to do the right thing and change him. So, lets give a little bit of back story, I had babysat before, I've changed babies before, no big deal.
So I take him into his room and I took off his shirt...bad idea. Poop. Everywhere on his chest. Then I take off his pants. Same thing. Poop all over his legs. It smells terrible. Like rotten eggs. I take off the diaper and it is the most disgusting thing I have seen in my 3 years of being around kids. It is caked onto his body and I have to use so many wipes that I am pretty sure that I used most of them. Then, to make it all worst, I am about to get the clean diaper and he starts peeing. It got all over me and it got all over his already shit caked clothes. I finally put the new diaper on him and go back outside with him with him just in his diaper.
Best Part of all? His mother, my cousin, say's "oh, I hope you didn't change him, he always pees unless I do it."
Edit: Saw them later on because my mom forgot her phone at their house. Said hi to the baby again. He spat up on me....Does he just hate me or something?
perigon: How is that possible? Was he not changed for several days or something?
tifu_throwaway22: I don't know. I mean, I have had quite a few times baby sitting, but never have I seen a baby poo so much that it goes up their stomach or body. I mean, I have smelt some pretty horrify stuff, but nothing this bad. So much poo. I felt so bad because he looked kinda uncomfortable.
perigon: **Poo**r you
tifu_throwaway22: It was probably one of the nastiest things in the world. So much poop.
VelociBrazzer: how do babies react on gas masks? Because after reading this post i seriously consider getting one if i ever get kids.
tifu_throwaway22: I assume that they would be a little afraid. However, if they saw it every time they got their diaper changed, I think that they would just see it as something that wasn't too different. Not quite sure though.
| 7 | 3.857143 | |
1404585179 | 1404694494 | t3_29wvjq | t5_2to41 | 88 | T4NT1N: TIFU by chatting with my friends girlfriend
So there is this girl I had a crush on about a year back.
She turned me down and started dating a friend of mine with whom she moved in together.
They always argue with each other and their relationship is very "unstable".
I never got quite over her and I think she might regret not dating me, so I got very excited when she texted me today.
At first we just did a little smalltalk, but soon we chatted about her relationship and "jokingly" planned to elope (run away?) from here.
I asked her how she still could handle the terrible relationship her boyfriend (my friend; not a very good friend though, but a friend anyways),
but I felt guilty right after sending it and apologized.
From that point she stopped texting me back and I felt even more guilty, because I thought I made her angry or sad.
A few minutes later, without her texting me back I kinda panicked and wrote her, how much I like her and that she please should forgive me.
About 10 minutes ago she called me and told me, that the reason shy she didnt texted me back was, that her boyfriend read everything on his pc, because he apperently has her facebook pw.
Now I´m afraid of getting the beating of my life for becomming Scumbag Steve.
**Edit:** I wrote him:
At first he acted like he didnt knew what I was talking about.
And well, for a moment I wasn´t sure whether the GF lied to me about this whole thing.
Then we wrote about this and he says he isnt angry on me because he knew I had a crush on her...
I dont know whether I can trust his words... (I would be on super rage-mode if i where him right now)
...He says, he does not understand why I apologize to him O.o
**Edit2** To all people judging me right now:
I know, what I did was terribly wrong. Now, that I kinda settled this with him I am unsure what to do next, because well, the crush isnt just gone :/
In fact, I didnt really fuck this up yesterday :P
About a week ago, we went on a holiday trip with others where she started giving me some "signals" (or at least I think this). We "kissed" each other a few times during that week, but not really:
I was more like a childish "prodding lips toghether" and no tongue was involved.
At first this happend when we both were drunk, but went on sober...
Im^s^o^r^r^y
**Tl;dr I flirted with my friends GF and he found out; NSA please save me**
BatMetheny: Drive over there right now and seal the deal.
T4NT1N: I´m afraid I can´t do that.
The lack of balls is too big with this OP :(
SadFaceBot: :| don't be sad!
paceboys: I love this bot.
[deleted]: This bot gives me reasons to live.
| 6 | 14.666667 | |
1404583145 | 1404590528 | t3_29wssu | t5_2to41 | 28 | SenoritaTorpedo: TIFU by drinking my Dad's spit. (sfw)
So, my dad chews tobacco. And i make the horrendous mistake of leaving my soda next to his spit cup.
I took a nice big drink, when i noticed it was warm and then i realized i had a mouthful of spit and tobacco bits.
Needless to say, i spit that shit out as soon as i noticed it wasn't diet coke.
I feel a little queasy just thinking about it.
Veboy: Cut your fucking tongue and give it to some cat or shit, then burn the inner of your mouth. wait a few weeks. If you feel regret, commit suicide. But if not, live the rest of your days knowing this horror did the least damage to you.
SenoritaTorpedo: These are all good ideas. I'll try the above, and if you never hear from me again you can assume i have died.
Username__Irrelevant: RIP in peace.
| 4 | 7 | |
1404585932 | 1404589003 | t3_29wwoa | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating deep fried zucchini sticks.
This happened a while ago, but the story still makes me cringe. I went to a nearby town with a friend and her mum for the day. We got hungry so we went to this little Chinese place. I had never been to a Chinese restaurant before because I grew up in a small town with a family that didn't have much money so we went to cheaper places. Anyways, being the plain Jane girl I am I got chicken strips and fries. The usual. But I tried a friends' deep fried zucchini sticks and they were alright, I didn't particularly love them but I choked them down.
Fast forward 3 hours. I decide to go home because I started to get the gurgle in my stomach. I was within walking distance (15 minutes) of my house. My friend tries to convince me to stay and just be sick there, and they give me some pepto-bismol. I still decide to leave because I'm stubborn and won't let up. So I'm walking home and the cramps are getting SO bad. I was grasping at my stomach and wondering if I could test just how Canadian my townsfolk are and see if I could shit in someone's house if I asked nice enough, but I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.
I kept walking. And then IT happened. The gurgling stopped. And the shitting started. I felt it fill my underwear and then go down my leg, into not one but both shoes, and it just kept coming. I rushed to a nearby bush, which was right beside a highway but at an altitude that unless someone was staring straight into the bush would they be able to see my shadow. I drop my backpack in front of the bushes and kneel and shit so much I never think I'll shit again. I'm shitting so hard I almost think I'm gonna pass out.
Eventually the shitting stops and I decide to try and get rid of some of it so I can walk the rest of the way home. I look in my backpack, all I have is a pad. I use that, quickly. It does almost nothing. In my panicked state I didn't think to wipe myself first, then worry about the mess in my pants. So now I'm worried about that, and reach for an egg carton nearby. As I'm about to wipe my ass with this filthy carton, I hear a kid say "Mom someone left there backpack here can I take it?" I jerk my head around to see a kid standing near my backpack, and if he looks up just a couple feet he'll see me in all my naked and shitty glory. His mom yells at him to leave it and to hurry up, and by the grace of the shit lords, he doesn't look at me.
I wait about 30 seconds and grab my backpack and high tail it out of there, go home, cry in the shower.
I'll never look at egg cartons the same.
TL;DR: Don't venture out of your food comfort zone. You'll shit yourself in public and risk being caught with regret running down your legs.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Oh /r/tifu, how I love thee.
Ovil101: Agreed, nothing like a good post about someone shiting them self.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404587588 | 1404615835 | t3_29wyxu | t5_2to41 | 105 | C3SR: TIFU By helping a homeless guy.
As I pull up to a red light on a busy intersection I noticed a homeless man standing in the hot sun asking for money. I was about the 5th/6th car in line and saw that people were just ignoring the guy. I know what it's like not have anything so I figured I can help him out with a few dollars. Maybe he can buy a bottle of water or something. So I'm pulling out my wallet when the light decides to turn green. I remember having exactly 3 single dollar bills and one $100 dollar bill.
This is where I fucked up. As I'm juggling my wallet and waving to the guy honking behind me to wait I accidentally gave the homeless guy $102 dollars. I didn't notice until after the fact. Now I'm here, a broke college student with $1 in his wallet until the next payday.
I know I fucked up but I probably made his day just a little better. Make good use of that money, bummy.
Position5hero: If you count a 2 litter bottle of vodka, a crack rock to be good use sure
Don't worry he invested some of it into saudafed to be traded for meth at a later date
lteh: The people who downvote this post should look at the streets. Somewho wants to donate money should give it to institutional help, i.e. shelters.
Position5hero: its sad
its true but its sad
these people cant be trusted with money for the most part, theylll drink it
free food is far better for them than free money
thy will kill themselves with the money
the reality of the situation in that be proablly boought $100 of meth and it migh'tve killed him
these people aren't best with measurements when they're high on drugs theyre addicted to and havent gotten for a week, and many die
some of them cant read how can you expect them to dose
RetroRoom: It's true that people should do more to help their fellow man, and if you have the means and the time to follow through, good for you.
As far as I'm concerned, however, when I give someone a buck, it's their buck, I really don't care what they spend it on. If I find myself living on the streets, with all the pain and misery that entails, I might like an escape. I won't really care if you don't agree with my escape, you aren't living my life. If someone that is the very definition of miserable can be happy for a little while, jesus man, just let them.
But people would rather NOT give them money, and tell others they SHOULDN'T be giving them money, and then turn around and... oh, right, NOT follow through on giving it to a shelter or anything else anyway, but somehow feel better about themselves for not enabling. Just, ugh, whatever.
Position5hero: It's not "oh shit im homeless time to smoke some crack"
it's "oh shit i smoked so much crack im homeless"
last thing they need is more crack
| 6 | 17.5 | |
1404588860 | 1404656574 | t3_29x0ms | t5_2to41 | 125 | jamesrodriguezzzzz: TIFU by enjoying Bon Jovi too much
The Middle by Jimmy Eat World had just become Livin’ On a Prayer. *“Dude let’s go back to the dance floor!”* It was coming to the end of the night. We were drunk.
*“..we’ve gotta hold on, to what we’ve got”*
There are cute girls to impress, but the dance moves are average at best.
*“…it doesn't make a difference If we make it or not”*
There's a cute blonde chick looking at me at me. I nudge my friend.
*“We've got each other and… don’t really know the words…WE’LL GIVE IT A SHOT”*
The blonde girl starts dancing with me. This is the best night ever!
*“WOOAAAAHHH WE’RE HALFWAY THEEERRRREEEEE”*
I’m Jon Bon Jovi. Screaming out the words. Arms raised, fingers pointing at the ceiling.
*“WOAAHHHHHHHH!"*
I bring my arms down to my side, my hands into fists
*“LIIIVVIIN…..oh my god I’m so sorry, are you ok?"*
I’d cracked her on top of her skull with my right elbow. With some force. She looked at me and let out an anguished howl.
She left to mend her broken head, and me my broken heart.
creep_with_mustache: I swear to god that to this day I always thought it was "it doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not"
Jay013: Well to be fair, it doesn't.
| 3 | 41.666667 | |
1404590569 | 1404779956 | t3_29x2ua | t5_2to41 | 534 | blushedbambi: TIFU by publicly smearing my period blood all over my date - straight from the source.
Actually this was yesterday, but rule number one, so fuck it. Also, this was the most embarrassed and humiliated I have been in my entire life, so it'd be a shame not to post it.
I was on a date with that new guy I am seeing, and we went to a public viewing event for a soccer game in which our country's team played.
Spoiler alert: we won. So the date was going great, many beers were had, with the victory celebration and all, and I had felt an undeniable sexual tension between me and my date all night.
At one point during the party, we looked in each others eyes, and he looked so hot, and I was drunk, so I just thought "Fuck it, imma go for it".
So I leaned in to kiss him, and two seconds later, we were making out in a corner. He is a good bit taller than me, so I had to stand on the tips of my toes and strain my neck to kiss him.
After a few moments, he lifted me up which made shit a whole lot easier. I clung to him, still furiously making out, my legs around his waist, his hands under my butt. We stayed that way until he let me down again, I guess his arms were getting tired.
He had been wearing our team's jersey, which is white. What followed was the most horrifying realization of my life. On his jersey, in the middle of his stomach, was a bright red stain.
I had gotten my period throughout the evening and, wearing black pants and being half-drunk, hadn't noticed.
Well I noticed then. And so did he, after he had seen my most likely horrified expression as I was staring at his shirt.
The rest is kind of a blur, I just looked at him and mumbled a few desperate words, made an attempt to make a joke out of it, failed miserably, apologized and then made a run for it.
I texted him a few hours ago that I would foot the cleaning bill. He hasn't answered yet.
TL;DR: Things got hot and heavy at a soccer game after party, then my guy got to experience shark week in a totally new way. Will most likely not be going on a next date.
Schnabulation: Detective here: you must be German.
Gruss aus der Schweiz! ;-)
blushedbambi: Heftig, Sherlock Holmes :D
Gruß zurück :)
I_Rike_Reddit: Úíjbshalahs shsawordherebvsha!
Ēdit: Scheiße!
uptheaffiliates: Kartoffel waffel kätzchen infektion der oberen atemwege!
Malzair: I wonder how you know the last one. That one is definitely the odd one out.
uptheaffiliates: I did not know any of them I google-translated some random words :D
Malzair: And why did you google translate "upper respiratory ducts infection"?
uptheaffiliates: Because I wanted to fit in with the other cool kids writing comments in German :(
Dunno about the 'ducts' though, I guess google added that.
Malzair: I translated it in my head and not with google translate so it might be different.
But why translate an illness instead of...I don't know, roses, house, car, titties? It just seems weird to me.
If you need any german translation in the future hit me up, if I'm online you'll get a reply quickly.
uptheaffiliates: Haha thanks, nah like I said I saw the other comments in German and really my thought process was 'all the other non-speakers will have no idea I'm not saying anything meaningful' and that amused me, that's all :D
Malzair: Ah, I get it. Usually we use compound words (words composed of multiple words) to confuse the fuck out of someone like Unabhängigkeitserklärung.
Oh yeah, stuff with ü, ö, ä of course as well.
| 12 | 44.5 | |
1404592052 | 1404780102 | t3_29x4r0 | t5_2to41 | 57 | crunchysalad: TIFU by asking my mom to look through my closest for a video game. (NSFW)
First, I'd like to say that I just finished my freshman year of highschool. So, a few months ago, about three, I foumd a copy of a certain explicit video called "Double Stuffed sluts 2".
I had recently broken my Left for Dead game and decided to pull the "ol' switcheroo" and I tossed left for dead and replaced with "double stuffed sluts 2".
When everyone would fall asleep I would "do the dance with no pants". This system was going well...until today.
I was at my friend's house and asked my mom to bring over a video game. I didn't even think of the huge mistake I had just made. My mom found the video game I was looking for, but she also found "Left for Dead".
On the way home from my friend's house my father looked at me and said "play any left for dead lately? ". I instantly knew I was fucked. I just got home and my mom won't even look at me.
TL; DR:
I asked my mom to look for a video game and she found my porno.
Xnight_owlX: so how was DSS2?
crunchysalad: ...interesting.
kick_dicker: How's the gameplay?
Malzair: It sucks, it only has one weapon and you can't unlock any more. And the rate of fire and accuracy of that weapon, horrible.
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1404591107 | 1404611530 | t3_29x3jk | t5_2to41 | 8 | oweng99: TIFU by hooking up with my best friend high
Back story: this wasn't the first time. I got drunk and high once (for the first time) with her, both leading to make out sessions and some other things...
Story: So to start off i just spent yesterday with her and got high for the first time, leading to a make out session and such. She was a bit rude last time so she said she wanted to make it up to me and invited me today. So i come over (she was asleep just before i got there) and basically the first thing we did was smoke pot. After some videos she was just about to show me fringe and she puts down the pod and asks for me to make out, i felt really high and for some reason i just had the over whelming desire to watch fringe. I guess its pretty obvious but as soon as said i wanted to watch fringe instead of desiring her lust she said i should leave. I start packing my things while still dazed and knew i didnt want to go back home from being obviously high so i ended up hooking up with her and just not being into it at all. Still high while writing to this. Thank for listening to my rant.
TL;DR- had a drug induced make-out session with my best friend and i feel its escalating out of my control
Edit: Yes these are my first world problems... Yes i feel stupid for almost turning her down while i was baked (she is insanely attractive)
apoc1169: don't blame the weed. dumb people make dumb decisions regardless of the drugs.
6romperstomper9: i think it's time you came out of the closet.
apoc1169: thanks man. i've been waiting for a stranger to give me a useless piece of life advice.
now i can finally be me!
6romperstomper9: If the shoe fits.......
apoc1169: judging from your TIFU post, you've got more experience in that department than i do.
gratz on the "takes one to know one" beejer though :)
6romperstomper9: LOL Don't take it seriously dude :) My comments that is. Nothing worse than some chick wanting attention when your preoccupied.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1404593130 | 1404643759 | t3_29x666 | t5_2to41 | 50 | ahoy_there: TIFU by scaring my mom and causing her to wet her pants in public
I'm currently on vacation with my parents and two family friends in Rome. As many of you know, there is a major problem with pickpocketing here. Just last night a group of kids surrounded my dad on the subway and grabbed his wallet (luckily my dad realized what was happening and grabbed the kid before he could leave with anything). Today on the subway we also saw an attempted pickpocket until my dad alerted the victim. Anyway, we've seen so much of it we've started walking instead of taking public transportation and being much more careful where we hold our valuables.
So today after dinner, we decided to taker a longer way home since it was a nice night. My mom and and a friend decided to just take the short way home after seeing a group of suspicious kids. My dad, friend, and I decided to walk along the river, the longer way. After about a minute, we changed our mind and went home the short way. We're not too far behind my mom and her friend and I decided for some reason I should scare her. So I pick up my pace and stealthy approach them from behind. I reached for my moms bag and her friend grabbed my arm and my mom screamed very loudly and wet her pants. At this point, I realized how stupid it was and started apologizing. I looked around and many people were staring. Her friend was so pissed at me, along with the rest of the group. It was a quiet walk back to the hotel.
just4shitsandg1ggles: "Her friend was so **pissed**
heh.
akitofraser: Ah the hilarity of unintentional puns .
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1404596010 | 1404628056 | t3_29x9xe | t5_2to41 | 15 | Bradthorp: TIFU by grabbing my girlfriends moms boob -NSFW
So I just got home from a horrible experience. My girlfriends mom and I always got along we'll and she kinda flirted and we teased each other. She is kind of on the heavy side but that means she has nice boobs. I have seen her bras in the laundry she is a 38c. I admit I have done things with her panties and bras when I have found them and I fantasize about her mom a lot. Anyway this afternoon I stopped by to leave a package for my girlfriend cause I knew her mom would be there but when I got there her mom was in a nightgown she had not been feeling well so she was resting. She always gives me a hug at the door which she did, but when we hugged I could obviously feel she didn't have a bra on. I don't know what the hell I was thinking or if it was a reflex but I raised my hand up a little and tried to feel her boob. I needed up making it more obvious than I planned and basically cupped her breast. She freaked out on me and yelled for me to leave I was scared and left now my gf calls and says she doesn't want to talk to me and I think we are going to break up. I don't even know what her mom told her. Her dad isn't home right now and don't know what else is going to happen.
Update:
My gf is now my ex I guess cause she said she is disgusted with me and her dad told her if I come near her or her family he will get a restraining order against me for assault on his wife. I think that is taking it too far and I don't know what her mom told him but yes I touched her boob but I didn't assault her. Her mom also said I did some "other things" in the past and I don't know what she thinks I did. The only thing is when I did mess around with her bras and panties before and put them back I am worried maybe she knew about it but didn't say anything, my mind is going a million times an hour thinking back to any of the things I have done, and I am really afraid of her dad. Not sure where to go from this point, I want my gf back but need to get her alone to talk.
vipermaverickk: Best thing you can do at this point is nothing. Don't contact your girlfriend or her family, seriously. If she contacts you just apologize, don't try to explain yourself. If it calms down after that, you're lucky. If not, move on.
Bradthorp: But I do love her, I just acted out of lust and stupidity. I want to marry her so I have to get this figured out.
spoRADicalme: Sorry man, I really don't think marriage with this girl is in your future. Probably for the best. Who knows what trouble your lust would get you into if your ex's mom and her lovely breasts were more a part of your life.
Edit: a word
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1404596830 | 1404640595 | t3_29xayo | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing gummy bears to an office party.
Time For A Backstory:
Haribo sugarless gummy bears are famous on Amazon for being a quite good tasting gummy bear.
With one exception.
They work stronger than laxatives, even when only eating a few at a time. People have written reviews from their toilets on amazon about how it will render them useless and in the worst pain imaginable for eight hours.
Back to Two Weeks Ago:
I see these little demons on amazon in a five pound bag on amazon. So naturally, being the little idiot I am, I decide to buy them for an office party I was going to the next week WITHOUT reading the reviews submitted. Little did I know the chaos I would start.
Fast-Forward to the Party:
I arrive there and drop my anal demons with the rest of the snacks. I am enjoying the party and am proud to see that my co-workers, my boss and I, are eating the gummies in handfuls like there's no tomorrow. After about an hour, I see a line up out the door of our only washroom. I don't think much of it until the foul, soul crushing cunts reach my stomach.
I try to keep my cool and not look like I'm in as much pain as I was (conceal, don't feel) Until I couldn't help it and I dash out of there and run to the other side of the building while unzipping my pants and pulling them down. I reach the back and I close my eyes and (let it go). After five seconds I open my eyes and see that I am facing my boss, doing the same thing (can't hold it back anymore).
I don't think I fully grasped the idea that I had lost control over my anal muscles because as I tried to waddle away in panic, my "powers" (flurried through the air in to the ground) and all over my legs and pants that bound my legs together. I then trip and land, face first in the pavement WHILE STILL SHITTING!
I eventually stop myself after five minutes on the ground being the shittiest fountain ever and collect myself, only to see that my boss was still watching me. I had completely forgotten that he was there!
I found a newspaper on the ground and did my best to clean my legs, out of sight of my boss. I pull up my pants and drive out of there, only to spend the night on the toilet, with my laptop, reading the gummy bear reviews and feeling more guilty than ever before.
The next day, I went back because I left my suitcase and jacket there. Everyone was acting weird with me and I thought it was because they found out that it was the gummy bears that gave everyone the intestinal cleaning. I thought it was that until I saw that there was a window on the back of the building that displayed everything up into the part with me cleaning myself with litter.
I'm never going back.
The past is in the past.
TL; DR: My co-workers and I ate laxative-like gummy bears at a party and I end up taking a shit in front of my boss, with all my co-workers watching.
mixologyst: *their.
There, as in "over there"
They're, as in "they are"
Their, as in "belonging to someone"
Get your shit together Tyrone
6romperstomper9: What kind of party is it when everyone brings lollies instead of beer? A shit party.
mixologyst: someone down voted us, you can have my upvote for "A shit party".
6romperstomper9: The fuckers! I already up voted you.
| 5 | 13.2 | |
1404594155 | 1404598316 | t3_29x7jh | t5_2to41 | 4 | tifu_master: TIFU by speeding.
pagan2287: obey the law and pay your fine
tifu_master: Am I in deep?
pagan2287: depends on if the cop shows up to court and if the judge is having a bad day. Dress nice, fess up to it, dont argue with the judge, express remorse, hope for the best
| 4 | 1 | |
1404591434 | 1404609668 | t3_29x3yq | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by jerking off with the windows open.
I had a stiffy going, and it was time to do the "five knuckle shuffle"
So I whipped my dick out and started going for it.
I had A great porn going. Tons and tons of screaming and grunting and bed creaking, and with the amazing sound system I have it sounded very realistic.
So realistic that it drew the attention of other people.
I busted my nut all over the place, cleaned up, and tucked my dick away.
I turned around, and noticed the wide open window.
I looked outside of the wide open window and guess what I saw!
A man in a black chevy 3500 utility van (also black).
When he saw me in boxers and no shirt looking out the window right at him, he started the thing right up and gunned it.
I dont even think he had a license plate.
FML.
ThatThingUForgot: Don't be surprised to see a video of you wankin it on the interwebs.
6romperstomper9: You know you are the talk of the trailer park now? Give it two weeks and it will blow over.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404598556 | 1404976707 | t3_29xd4r | t5_2to41 | 37 | CashewBeats: TIFU by turning up the volume on my laptop while watching porn
I share a two bedroom apartment with a roommate. It was a quiet day today and I was feeling especially horny for no reason. I retreated into my room after the Argentina game. Went into my stash and found my favorite videos. Put my headphones on and started going at it. My laptop usually has a weird issue with volume so I turn everything up to max. I flip through multiple videos for what must've been 10 mins before I finish. Then I take off my headphones to head to the bathroom and realize I can still hear the video.
Turns out my headphones weren't plugged in at all and the max volume was my laptop being so loud that it blasted through the block of my headphones. Immediately shut off the volume and scope out the rest of my apartment. My roommate is still sitting in the living room and isn't giving me eye contact so I'm sure he could hear everything.
Shitfucks
camgonz1: at least you weren't like some other guy on here who watched a full feature length porno and passed out with it playing through the computer with his family in the other rooms
JoeyJoeC: I recalled that post. Do you happen to have a link? I can't find it.
camgonz1: took me a while but BANG! here it is
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/26qlfm/tifu_by_jerking_off_after_not_scoring_at_the_bar/
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1404629840 | 1404654048 | t3_29xnxr | t5_2to41 | 133 | SolidMiddle: He's getting downvotes because bashing the shit out of ANYONE isn't okay.
Always_: No, he's getting downvoted by the white knight never treat a female bad brigade.
I4gotmyoldpassword: Oh, go suck a dick dude. It's not okay either way, because either way it's a person and no one deserves to be treated like that.
Always_: Someones a bit upset. I'm not saying it's ok to beat anyone so in your words go suck a dick dude, you fucking dolt.
I4gotmyoldpassword: yougotme.gif
Always_: Man, you must live in some fucked up world where it's ok to toss kittens in a bag and [drown](http://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/29slno/my_cat_had_babies_today/cio9c1g) them... Fucking psycho...
I4gotmyoldpassword: I didn't say actions should go unpunished fool. While I'm no fan of cats I do think that the person doing such things should definitely be punished, as long as the punishment is both humane and one that matches the crime.
Please, act like an adult, there's no reason to call me names simply because I disagree with the idea that people should be beaten or made to feel physical pain for their mistakes.
Always_: No where did I say I'm condoning physical violence or emotional abuse. I was explaining the downvotes that's it. Was simply pointing out the downvotes that's it.
I4gotmyoldpassword: >No where did I say I'm condoning physical violence or emotional abuse.
Bullshit, it was heavily implied.
>I was explaining the downvotes that's it. Was simply pointing out the downvotes that's it.
By insulting and disrespecting anyone who downvoted said post, insinuating that they were losers, who put women on pedestals. It's why you got downvoted yourself.
Always_: I could care less about downvotes, it's not some competition they're not worth anything.... How was it implied I made a simple statement that's it...It's not like I said it's ok to toss cats in a bag and drown them in a river or a bathtub...
I4gotmyoldpassword: I don't even know why I've been wasting my life on you.
Always_: Quit responding it's not that hard
I4gotmyoldpassword: I just gotta say that you're a cunt though. Okay, last reply, I promise, cunt.
Always_: Seriously just fuck off you stupid twat. Go murder some more animals you sick fuck.
I4gotmyoldpassword: The only animal here is you, stop being such a child.
Always_: Says the one that tortures cats for fun.
I4gotmyoldpassword: Please, this is what I mean by being a child. Clearly that comment was a joke, it's not my fault that you can't comprehend that. Stop being a child.
Always_: Just give up kid seriously, thought you were done wasting your time.
I4gotmyoldpassword: Nah, decided it was more fun this way.
Always_: Cunt
I4gotmyoldpassword: Yay! You replied, I wasn't sure that you would after I told you I was fucking with you, but baby, you can't resist this!
Always_: C
I4gotmyoldpassword: U and ME!
Always_: Yup
I4gotmyoldpassword: ... I don't really know what to say at this point. You know, I feel like this conversation has run it's course.
Always_: It ran it's course about an hour ago, I've just been typing random shit ever since then.
I4gotmyoldpassword: Have we really been doing this for an hour? Holy shit man, where does the time go?
Always_: Hah, just looked back to when this exchange began was 3 hours ago according to my post history. Didn't realize it's been quite that long, putting my phone on silent now have a good day man.
I4gotmyoldpassword: You mean night, it appears we're on separate hemispheres. Sorry for calling you a cunt all those times.
Lucarian: Please continue, this was an awesome chain and probably the longest one of petty insults I have seen.
| 30 | 4.433333 | |
1404607256 | 1404612815 | t3_29xo4m | t5_2to41 | 48 | mtlmjk: TIFU,By taking a piss in the woods
Happened within the last 24 hrs- Was out hiking by a large reservoir and had to relieve myself in a very brushy area. Got home and proceeded to shower and found a Tick had made a home on my crotch. Got the wife to remove said vampire and she had to make a witty remark "well if it had bitten you on your weiner, it would have probably starved to death"
6romperstomper9: Small tick?
mtlmjk: One of those reddish brown flat ones about an eighth inch or 3mm. South East USA. Damn thing was dug in too. A drop of Jack Daniels on it and it backed out.
6romperstomper9: Did I say tick?
mtlmjk: You just made a vodka martini spray out of my wifes nose.
6romperstomper9: Hahaha enjoy LOL
| 6 | 8 | |
1404605767 | 1404660767 | t3_29xmb2 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Junopoped: TIFU By flooding my house
Alright well, my house is about 23 years old and needs a few repairs here and there. One of the needed repairs is the valve to my toilet. Every time I want to take a shit I have to turn the valve on to let the toilet fill up with water so I can flush. Well I took a piss as usual today,but I forgot to turn the valve off... So I went to go play Xbox for about an hour and a half. When I came back out for another piss break I noticed that I had forgotten to turn the valve back off behind my toilet because it makes a very loud noise. When I walked into my bathroom the floor was covered in about a one inch layer of water. I was pissed because I would need to dry all that up... But I went downstairs to grab a few fresh towels when I notice... ITS FUCKING RAINING IN MY KITCHEN!! Literally rain coming from the lights in my kitchen.... Pouring out all over the floor to where the whole kitchen and the family room connected are flooded in about 1 inch of water. So I'm freaking out at this point because the ceiling will not stop leaking water after I shut off the main valve to the whole house. I then proceeded to call my mother at work and she rushes home and starts screaming because I ruined an expensive ass rug in our family room, and all the hardwood floor has bowed and is like walking on fucking Lego's now. Tomorrow I'm spending my 4th of July sanding floors and painting over water damage on the ceiling.
MisterMeiji: Yikes! I think it's going to be more than just painting over. To do the job right, the ceiling actually has to come down and be replaced. You can get by with just painting it, but if there is *any* water still in the ceiling, it will mold, and then you have a whole (much more serious) other problem.
b00mb00mchuck: He has to turn a valve to fill the toilet for a flush... I don't think there's gonna be any "proper" repairs done here.
EMCoupling: Yeah, I mean you're sort of setting yourself up to get fucked when you can't be bothered to get your plumbing fixed.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1404605391 | 1404619096 | t3_29xlv2 | t5_2to41 | 66 | tytheriffer: TIFU by not taking a piss earlier >: |
Greetings Reddit,
Here's how the story goes:
I work in an office with around 100 other people or so. I'm pretty good at my job, and when I get into it, I don't like to stop until I get tired of working. I was on a roll this specific day and decided that I could hold out on going to the bathroom for a bit. I kept working for about another hour or so before dinner was served. At this point, I had forgotten that I even needed to go to the bathroom (ikr >.>).
I went back to my desk and ate my dinner and started working again before realizing that I still had to piss hardcore. I decided I would go on break, take a smoke and then go piss. Once I got done smoking, I was to the point of wiggling and I felt like I could barely hold it. Briskly walked to the bathroom and fumbled for the access card in my pocket.
When you enter the bathroom, there is a wall directly in front of you, on the other side of that was is the urinals. Since I had to piss so bad, I didn't even think about it and started reaching for my dong while halfway around the corner. I turned the corner and let loose a stream of hot unholy piss. Unfortunately for me, there was someone already pissing in the urinal directly on the other side of the wall.
Almost immediately as the piss hit his back, without making eye contact, he yells "WHAT THE FUCK?". This startled me as my piss continued to dribble all over the floor. The co-worker then turned around and pushed me into the stall behind me out of rage. Ended up sitting on a toilet seat, dick out with my coworker spouting obsceneties at me and flailing his arm.
I briefly said "My bad, bro", went back to my desk and told my supervisor I was going home. That is how I dun' fuckt up.
SirWupdy: Bro, you were just asserting your dominance, and he tried to fight back. Tomorrow, go piss on him while he's at his desk. The whole office will know he's yours.
6romperstomper9: Make sure you call him a bitch while doing it.
SirWupdy: Mhmm, mhmm, that's good.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1404610816 | 1404745603 | t3_29xsc1 | t5_2to41 | 2 | wesleylmp99: TIFU by slashing myself repeatedly with a knife...
ok so this is going to sound really crazy but my gf gets really crazy emotional on her period, and for some reason keeps telling me I'm going to leave her. Then she keeps going on and today she kept asking me to hurt her. I keep telling her no and then out of nowhere she throws a knife down on the bed and tells me that she knows I want to hurt her so get it over with. Me finally having enough screams I WILL NEVER HURT YOU and simultaneously slashe my arm several times. Okay not the best way to remedy the situation but she stopped being freaky and emotional then proceeded to tend to my wounds.
Tifu; by screaming at my girlfriend and slashing my arm repeatedly to show her I won't hurt her...
http://imgur.com/CQ4oKst - maybe nsfw
Also how should I treat the widest gash. Its making me nervous...
jes_is_gon: Yeah, you did F up. As far as the deeper wounds go, looks like they need a couple of stitches. If thats not even an option for you, then wash thoroughly, use hydrogen peroxide, and apply some neosporin. Cover with gauze and tape and change the dressings every day. Give the wounds some time to breathe in between gauze changes.
wesleylmp99: Yeah thanks. We stopped the bleeding with neosporin and washed it with alcohol. It seems to be doing fine but its not healing much and still is bleeding if I don't bandage it. I think I'm going to have to stitch myself...
jes_is_gon: Dont know if that's a good idea, You will risk infection. Plus, its too late for stitches. It will clot, just let it be now and dress it with dry gauze. Good luck.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1404611351 | 1404621517 | t3_29xsy6 | t5_2to41 | 75 | BoomerChoomer: TIFU by trying to catch my little brother masturbating
Soldfield: I don't get the bad part with your sisters?
Boxcat24: SHES WATCHING HIM WANK!
[deleted]: I think things might be a little more fucked up.
Boxcat24: Underage fraternal twin incest
Makes me want to throwup I hope she was just watching him wank. (That sounds very strange)
6romperstomper9: I think they were hiding behind the door because they knew he was coming in. I very much doubt it that they were 'just' watching. Creepy family.
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1404613046 | 1404640433 | t3_29xuvg | t5_2to41 | 13 | Striker12Gecko: TIFU by accidentally drinking almost a cup of salvia...
Like many others this wasn't today but about four months ago. I was forced into taking drugs by sister and some of her friends... My sister being four years older than me, her friends were hot, and I was a horny 16 year old. So naturally I did what they wanted. They gave me a little pouch of salvia and told me to put some in a smoothie so it would taste better. I didn't know what "some" meant, so being 16 and stupid, I dumped the whole pouch in there... When I came back to the room, they didn't realize I had dumped the whole pouch in the smoothie and encouraged me to chug it all.. I was on the line of insanity for 3 weeks and the side effects lasted for four months. One of my "trips" included me watching tv. I realized I was looking at myself. I was in the back ground of every show, looking back at myself. I was in a coma for a week after the incident and the surgeons had to give me two EKG's to wake up from being "dead"...
I can honestly say I died, from taking to much salvia. God bless
[deleted]: Damn. I read that title as saliva at first.
heyMal: Haha, I did too.
6romperstomper9: I did too! Pity, would have been a better story.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1404613197 | 1404690445 | t3_29xv20 | t5_2to41 | 141 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught checking out my sister-in-law
So my wife has several sisters. We went to the pool today because it was hot as fuck, and decided that we needed to have a nice little dip. So my wife, me, her sisters, and a lot of her other family members came along. Anyway as we are in the pool one of my Sister-in-laws came out in her swimsuit, and holy shit. firm round ass, curvy hips, perky C-cups, long flowing dark hair...I just sorta stared, and kept staring until I realized that I was staring a little too much....went home early...wife came home and she asked me if I was attracted to her because everyone was saying that I looked like I was, I said no I am not, and that she is over reacting...sister-in-law is only 16 after all....
damned puberty
[deleted]: I propose a challenge. Let's call it a "bull ride". You know how cowboys ride bulls and bulls are usually not happy about it? Next time you have sex (you on top or behind), call her by that hot chick's name and measure the time you can keep your dick in her. Report time here.
[deleted]: 5 seconds. Got a divorce too.
ibkin: worth it?
[deleted]: With every second
| 5 | 28.2 | |
1404615762 | 1404664032 | t3_29xy0o | t5_2to41 | 1,474 | idkwhat2: TIFU by getting too wet
This happened a few weeks ago. I met this really hot guy at a friend's party, and we hit it off right away. We were both with groups of friends and we didn't want to ditch them, so he got my number and promised to text. He did the next morning, and we texted/sexted for the rest of the week until we finally decided it was time to hook up.
I was so excited to see him again, and majorly fienin from all the sexting. I did all the necessary prep work--shaving takes forever when you know someone's going to be doing god knows what to god knows where on your body. When I was ready, I went and met him at a restaurant. We had dinner and afterwards, he told me he'd rented a hotel room (we both had roommates and we wanted to be alone). I texted a friend to tell her where I would be and to send a search party if I didn't text her again by two.
We got to the hotel room, and there was champagne and fruit and cheese. We drank a little, but I was getting antsy and wanted to get his clothes off already. So anyway, we started making out or whatever, there was fondling and such, and soon our clothes were off and I was riding him. Most of the lights were out (per my request), just the bathroom light was on, but I could tell he was really feeling it, and so was I. It was exactly the way I'd been fantasizing it would be.
After I'd been on top for a little while, he picked me up off him and turned me over so I was on my knees--I knew from our texting that he liked big asses, and mine is a pretty good size. *he* knew that I like it kind of rough, so while he was back there thrusting he starting to spank me and pull me hair, which I was all for.
Things were going great. I was having the time of my life, and so was he--as he was riding he kept saying, oh my god, you're so wet, I love how you got so wet for me." And I made the appropriate noises in return.
Well, when the time was right he came, and after laying me down on the bed and giving me a quick kiss, he said he would be right back, he was going to clean up. He went to the bathroom, and I lay there in a haze of mind blowing sex. I was trying to gather the strength to get up when I heard him yell from the bathroom, "WHAT THE FUCK!" I jumped up and ran naked to the bathroom, only to see him standing in front of the mirror, hands out in front of him, COVERED IN BLOOD. And then I looked down, and I was bloody as a motherfucker from my crotchal region up to my chest.
As you can imagine, I was horrified. I guess I got my period during sex? We both sort of silently got in the shower and washed off, then I went back into the room, which looked like the scene of a very violent homicide, and put my clothes on. I stuffed some tissue paper in my underwear to hold me over till I got home. He just sat on a chair in his towel and watched me. As soon as I was dressed, I said all right then,this has been fun, and got the fuck out of there.
Two days later he texted me to ask if I would split the extra cleaning cost the hotel charged him.
tl;dr I got my period during sex and am now considering lifelong celibacy.
EDIT: thanks for all the sympathy and the similar stories, everyone! I feel a lot less stupid now. And for everyone who was asking, the bill was $100, and I sent him a check. I'm not the type to bail on financial responsibilities, even though it could be argued that it wasn't my fault.
MXQ9: I'm a guy, long term relationship, fuck him. Don't feel like you did something wrong.
Aawkwardhandshake: She did
MXQ9: You're an idiot. I wish the best to the next person you attempt to get with. You're one of those kids who just need to play with your toy alone.
Aawkwardhandshake: ...Fuck him... You said "fuck him"... So I said "she did"... Because she did... Fuck him.
MXQ9: It's not about making a pun, she is a person who feels bad about nothing she can control. You made a pun, and it was mean, and immature. Don't try and justify it.
flowercup: Calm down brah
MXQ9: Oh fuck, I'm more worried about this poor girl than you two fucks. I'm calm but it's assholes like you who make a girl worry.
sicklyboy: http://twilight.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/140365554899.gif
Alicornprime: I like you.
sicklyboy: <3
| 11 | 134 | |
1404616429 | 1404617066 | t3_29xys7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | kabukicho69: TIFU telling my friend his penis was bigger than mine
takev9393: How did you find out the size of his dick?
kabukicho69: We were having an orgy in Vegas
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404618621 | 1404645526 | t3_29y19l | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by wetting the bed
So flashback to yesterday, my girlfriend of 3 months invites me over to her aunts house for a barbecue with her family and whatnot. That shit goes smooth as fuck, I'm a charming guy, everything's awesome. Babe turns to me and says "we're having a bonfire here later wanna come?" Fuck yeah I wanted to come.
So we go to my house, fool around for a bit and shit is going excellent. I'm grinning like I just got a new bike for Christmas and we hear over to her aunts at around 10. We get there, she leaves me with her uncle to light the fire while they pick up what's his face (cool guy). Me and uncle have a smoke, chill, talk about the red wings and we crack open some beer. I love beer and red wings, this is fucking awesome!
Time comes where everyone leaves and yadda yadda. I'm drunk as fuck, don't even remember going to bed or anything. I wake up, FUCK GODDAMMIT. I drunk pissed all over the place. And it was our first fucking time sleeping together. In her little cousins fucking bed too. Holy shit, we flipped mattress like a fucking pancakes and got outta there.
Fucking idiot, man.
TL;DR Slept with my girlfriend for the first time. Drunk pissed on her cousins bed.
penguinsstealsanity: Was she in the bed when you wet it? if so, just tell her you were marking your territory
DiscoMilk: Haha yeah it was the middle of the night, she wakes me up in the morning and is like "Babe you spill water?"
Fuck no, you think I'm dumb? I drunk pissed on your cousins bed ya, goofball
sirin3: Perhaps she wet it and just blames you?
| 4 | 10 | |
1404621092 | 1404624537 | t3_29y41p | t5_2to41 | 7 | Nobrr: TIFU: by being an asshole
6romperstomper9: You don't have to love her to kiss her. That would of led to sex, maybe for her - making love. But for you, at least sex. Yep, UFU.
Nobrr: so your saying i shouldve slept with someone i have no romantic interest in? sweet ill be a bigger asshole
6romperstomper9: Yes I am. Anyone can be an asshhole, it takes a lot of hard work to be a c#nt.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1404625054 | 1404661266 | t3_29y85d | t5_2to41 | 11 | bluegatoradedrink: TIFU by activating a security feature in my car
****Update! while driving our old car on the way to the new car our old car overheated so now the old car is waiting for a tow and we are still en route to find out if the new car will start with the original key. ****
**** 2nd update: the old car is towed and the new car started and made it home!****
Oh this one is a doosey. So I bought my first ever brand new car this past summer. Most beautiful thing I ever owned. Navigation system built in, automatic everything, including push button start. Now, I come from nothing. I've had cars without working air conditioning, cars with broken tail lights, cars with bum inspections stickers. Hell, I've even had a car that would stall everytime you put it in reverse. My new car though? Amazing. A tale of how far I've come.
So back to that push start. Well, I decided to spring some more money on the car and went and put a remote starter on the vehicle. I had this done at a local shop (not the dealer) and they gave me a new remote that would lock, unlock, and start the vehicle. The factory key still worked but of course wouldn't remote start the car. Well today my husband and I went to sit in the car after fireworks. We planned to wait out the traffic as we had our four month old son with us. We sat in the car and my husband pressed the start button in order to lower the windows. Nothing happened. He then put his foot on the break and attempted to start the car. Nothing. Somehow by attempted to roll down the windows, without having the original factory key on us, the car's security activated and wouldn't let is start it! The only solution would be to somehow get the factory key from home (20minutes away) and start the car with that. Mind you, it is now 11pm and the whole park is closing/cops are wrapping up the party.
I call my landlord, have him unlock my door (will cost me $20), let my brother in the apartement. He can't find the key. It's not where I think it is. The cops drive me, my husband, and my son home. In a cop car. Omgwtf. So my husband and I pretty much tear down the apartment and we have the key finally! We have to go back to the park tomorrow morning and remove our vehicle from the middle of the lawn as soon as possible. What an ordeal.
Tl;dr security feature on my car made it impossible to start even with the key I usually drive it with. Got a ride home from the cops.
HunterSDrunkson: Uhhhh I'd always have the key with me. Just sayin.
bluegatoradedrink: Here's the kicker! I usually have it in my purse, bit since having the baby I've switched to just using the baby bag and some how the key didn't make the switch!
HunterSDrunkson: Deemed excusable. Now I kinda feel like an ass :p
bluegatoradedrink: No way, you're totally right and I've just attached it to my keychain.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1404628882 | 1404633584 | t3_29ybhx | t5_2to41 | 4 | relevant_usernme: TIFU by jacking off to my mom [NSFW]
-eDgAR-: Sorry, but your submission has been removed because of rule #7.
Teotwawki69: Party pooper...
-eDgAR-: k.gif
| 4 | 1 | |
1404627526 | 1404673729 | t3_29yacn | t5_2to41 | 15 | Vloystar: TIFU By Cleaning a Sword
This literally happened a few hours ago, though it started a week ago, technically. To preface, I practice Chen Tai Chi. A version of Tai Chi that retains all the martial aspects of the art, including weapons. My group has always used our own practice weapons, and mine are wood, though some have bought polypropylene.
My Master has piles of weapons at his house, some he crafted himself, some he bought, some acquired from his masters. Regardless of how he came into possession, he holds all of his equipment to immaculate standards. The few times he has displayed his most prized tools, he gave specific instruction not to touch the steel, or our oils will donk up the quality and cause it to rust. (Donk up is my phrasing not his)
Traditionally the saber weapon is has a heavier blade, not like the balanced blades of more modern make. It cleaves through muscle and bone and armor. So I felt that my wood tools were inadequate for practice. I have been whipping this oak saber around for months and wanted something that will have the appropriate weight. I asked to purchase one from his stock, if he could part with one. He allowed me to borrow a steel saber, not a live blade, but I wouldn't want to go through the form constantly reminded that I'm inches away from my ear. The one he gave me was great, a traditional middle eastern variant of the oxtail saber we have been using.
Through my training I sweated, I tried to take care not to touch the blade with my body, but it happened. This was not my final sin.
Once my training for the day was done I packed up the tools and stored them in my trunk. Forgetting I had the blade in there. That was on monday. Now a few hours ago I pulled out the blade to check it out, knowing that the rust was likely to show. There were a few rough spots, but nothing a little rub wouldn't fix. Well, a little rub didn't fix it, but it did make it less noticeable. Now in my brilliance I decided to rub the area with vinegar to remove the remaining rust. All that did was fuck it up more!
Now the area looks similar to water spots, it is so much worse than before. I feel like I betrayed his trust in taking care of his equipment, and I'm sure he will be tossing me around when we work on throws tomorrow. I tried reaching out to a friend that has trained with him for years and he didn't have any ideas on how to fix it.
We train tomorrow, so I will confess and kowtow and prostrate myself. He would never make me do these things, but I want to express my disappointment in myself. Though my initial mistake was innocent enough, and my intentions were good, I feel like an asshole.
sirin3: So it would be ruined, if you kill someone with it?
Does not sound like a very useful sword
Lehk: It's also a dull training blade, that's not the point.
| 3 | 5 | |
1404634683 | 1404648091 | t3_29yfku | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing drugs, then getting fishhooked
[deleted]: Call the police.
Ihaveregretsaplenty: Where does it fall legally?
passmeaburr: blackmail is illegal. straight up. keep your phone records, don't delete anything. even if its a picture of you doing drugs.
Ihaveregretsaplenty: Well no drug using, just really really embarrassing pics. And don't know how to go about doing this discreetly.
passmeaburr: get your local non emergency police line and ask for help. I'm sure they will get a detective to help you out. you have to understand that even if you do what your blackmailer wants they can just ask for more using the same leverage they already have. the fact you know them is a huge plus for you. be prepared for these photos to possibly leak no matter what. might as well make sure the person gets some time behind bars for it.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1404636005 | 1404637338 | t3_29ygde | t5_2to41 | -4 | PolishAnton: TIFU by losing a hot girl to an uglier one
Its now in the weehours of day responsible for the story that i am to recount to you my school large state school in midwest had a party like no other a party where everybody dresses up in stereotypial japanese clothes. Party was called yasei yasei ya! and girls got pretty clever with the traditional kimono dresses e.g. kimono were cut diagonally across stretching from ankle to hip. Naturally, lots of leg was showing and I mind you have a thing or two for legs.
at the time i was dating this gorgeous korean chick who was really cool and all. One reason or another we had a fight that night or leading up to it and i ended up drinking with my krew and got hammered drunk on a variation of gin. So ended up not going together to yaseiyaseiya.
i enter the party, hang around for a bit and see a russian girl ive talked to maybe once or twice. my music starts playing so i get some confidence to go up and shoot the breeze w her shes surprisingly receptive and festive so we start dancing. Dance was awkward so as i finish up, i look at her, and she looks at me, and i kind of just go for it (her mouth). we make out for... i don't know how long... but when its over i look to the side and see a bro finish takin a picture of me n her makin out. The deal was sealed and thats how i lost a hot korean chick for an uglier russian one.
coughlya: uh why was some random bro trying to catch you cheating?
PolishAnton: not sure think he might be dating one of koreans friends
| 3 | -1.333333 | |
1404634348 | 1404752782 | t3_29yfd9 | t5_2to41 | 27 | potato99: TIFU by trying to kill a cockroach
I went into my kitchen at 3 in the morning and saw a cockroach, my instincts told me to run but I wanted to fight. I grabbed the can of bug spray and aimed, I engaged the target with full force as it was extremely dangerous and should have been destroyed. The cockroach locked onto me and flew in for an attack (it was the flying type) I couldn't react in time and it kamikaze bombed my face causing me to fall over onto the ground, the can of fly spray flew into the air and locked onto my balls, I tried to shield myself but it was too late, it was a direct hit. I got up and tried to put up a counter attack but slipped on the can of bug spray and fell over again, I fell in a way which winded me with my last might I grabbed the bug spray and fired, it was a direct hit and my enemy came crashing down.
TL;DR tried to engage a cockroach which resulted in me being winded and destroyed my chances of having children.
Pr1m4lcur5e: I just use my handy 2 watt laser to kill cockroaches. Or if I'm still wearing my steel toes, I just turn them into stains on the floor. Is it bad if I get satisfied by the crunch noise?
Silverlight42: Ever smack a flying junebug with a tennis racket? I think you'd enjoy that one too.
Pr1m4lcur5e: Actually yes. What's funny is that I'm actually a varsity tennis player as well.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1404638192 | 1404696483 | t3_29yhq1 | t5_2to41 | -11 | yourgirlsamus: TIFU..by sleeping with both bull riders..
So my best friend and I live together..you could consider us to be tequilaholics. We make margaritas everyday (we have a fucking margaritaville if that makes it better)
Fast forward to last night.. She invites over a couple of bull riders and we think "hell yeah, gonna get some." So she automatically picks the dark haired Tennessee boy and I go for the tall, tan, Australian blonde. It's like fate wanted us to get laid. We down a bottle of Jose between the two of us and the boys complete a 30 pack of keys almost within a couple hours. We start to part ways(bedrooms) and get frisky. Next day. She invites them over again. This time Tennessee boy has eyes for me but Australian hottie doesn't feel the same for my friend..so when "her man" starts to flirt with me she gets peeved and goes into the other room to get something, or throw a tantrum..whatever..and they both look at me and go "wanna have a threesome?" So of course..me..being just as drunk as the night before, and being incredibly randy in that state, I say hell yeah!
Fast forward to a few hours ago. She says she wants nothing to do with me and our friendship is over.
TL;DR I lost my best friend of over 5 years to a two night stand threesome. And my life couldn't be less dramatic.
NahhYoureWrong: so? what are we supposed to say? yes? u fucked up by being a big whore? um, ok? you were being a huge slut? your friend probably is a slut too? maybe brag less about being borderline alcoholic and having one night stands?
sounds like you're pretty trashy. try /r/noonegivesafuck for sympathy because you don't deserve the extra attention you're seeking. feels like you do enough of that offline. get your life together. you're wasting it on stupid shit.
[deleted]: Shes a female that enjoys sex? lets fucking abuse her. Because guys have threesomes and they get highfives. Thats cool right? they're the man but when a girl sleeps with guys, shes a slut and whore? fuck you. She can sleep with who ever she wants
NahhYoureWrong: No, guys who do that are pathetic, too. Not all people adhere to the idea that only 50% of stupid people acting stupidly are in fact, stupid. Some of us aren't biased and call all morons what they are, regardless of gender. Morons. She absolutely can act however she wants. If she wants to act like a slut then that's her choice. The word slut is a word. It has a meaning. The way in which she acted was that meaning. So she was a slut that night. It doesn't define who she is unless it becomes a habitual pattern. Drinking everyday and inviting strangers over for sex seemed nonchalant though.
Also, after re-reading your comment, wtf is wrong with you? You lack serious logic processing in your mind. I called a promiscuous attention seeking drunkard a whore, and you think I chastise all women and absolve all men of wrong doing? That's terrible logic. Look at the definition of whore:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/whore?s=t
She was LITERALLY a whore that night. I am right. It's not up for debate. That's what the word means. She was being a whore. Again. Not up for debate. You need to work on your reading comprehension.
[deleted]: And you're being a dick. You have no right to ever talk to someone like that. I lack serious logic processing? No, I have fucking respect for people, not you because you don't deserve my respect. Its never okay to treat people like that and be a dick. I need to work on my reading comprehension? How? because I called you out on being an asshole?
NahhYoureWrong: I have no right to use the correct definition of a word? I'm actually trying to help her realize she could really mess her life up if she keeps acting like a whore. I'd say the same thing to a guy if he was acting like a whore.
I don't feel bad for being honest when she's the one flaunting her orgies publicly. Again with the bad logic from you. Do you think posting stories about an orgy are going to get completely positive responses? Of course not. Should we clap her hands and congratulate her? Yeah! You keep having orgies and losing your friends and drinking every day! Good for you! Keep it up! You're a moron, and you should feel bad for encouraging her to continue leading her risky lifestyle.
Hopefully losing a friend over her actions is the worst that happens to her, because a lifestyle like that could do a whole lot more damage than that to her life. As for you, please stop making blanket assumptions about people and their perceptions of genders based on them telling risky whores that they're -- by definition of those words -- being risky whores. You might want to work on your logic, too:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies
[deleted]: You have no right to use a derogatory term to describe her. She doesn't need you to judge her life. How does having a threesome and a night out on the club make her life a mess?
You have no right to call anyone a whore, what she does with her life shouldn't concern you and you don't get to have an opinion on her or her actions. You know nothing about her yet keep on making these assumptions, you also make assumptions about me not being intelligent but yet you know nothing about me either, my logic is fine.
NahhYoureWrong: I have no right to use a derogatory word? (which, again, yes it's a derogatory term, but I used the word *correctly.* She was by definition acting like a whore.) Actually, I do. I literally have a RIGHT to use derogatory words. It's called freedom of speech. It's literally a right. You are friggin' terrible at debating. Like how more wrong could you be?
She doesn't need us judging her? Then why is she posting her story on a site that functions by getting responses to your story? It would be hard for you to be more wrong than you are in your comments. Your logic is atrocious. You're speaking out of feelings. Not logic. We all do sometimes, and especially when we're young, so maybe you're groggy right now or having a bad day or are just really young and have a lot of learning left to do. Which is why I'm trying to help you; maybe you actually do have some good points, but I can't tell because the way you're talking is nonsensical and illogical. It would be like if you called an apple an apple and then I blew up on you and said you have no right to call that object by its defined name. I literally have the dictionary on my side. I can prove I'm right. Because I am. She was acting like a whore. Because it's a fact. Don't like hearing it? Too bad, I have the RIGHT to say it. Of course I'm being mean, but it's doing less damage to her than the damage she'll do to herself if she keeps acting that way.
This will help you not look like a moron in life when you argue with people in the future: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies
Feel free to get the last word in since you seem like the type, but I can't stress this enough. Your opinion doesn't matter on our previous comments. You're wrong. By logic, by definitions of the English language, and even by common sense. I'm not sorry if I offended you. Maybe you shouldn't use the Internet if you can't handle bad language when it's used correctly. I also suggest you don't visit a subreddit with Fuck in its name. Moron.
yourgirlsamus: Listen... I posted my story on this subreddit because it's titled "today I FUCKED up" not " today I made questionable choices" not "today I want to brag" and not "today I want your opinion" I didn't expect everyone to approve of my lifestyle. Just bc I don't believe in polygamy doesn't mean I'm going to tell every woman with a sister wife she's a fucking whore. It's her own damn choice what she does with her life. Like I said before...I don't do this everyday and I don't NEED to explain that to a random douche on teh interwebz, either. So, go and take your anger and frustration out on yourself as opposed to trolling random strangers on reddit.
NahhYoureWrong: Did you honestly think you were going to get 100s of upvotes for your pathetic story? You could repost it every week and it would always get disgusted faces and barely any upvotes. You even said "college is a fucking lifestyle." Do you know why there aren't 40 year olds who go around acting like the petulant 21 year old college kids? Because it's fucking stupid. It wastes years of your personal life, professional life, and love life. It doesn't further or better yourself, it's all just temporary stupid fun where the risks far outweigh the rewards, and everyone eventually wises up to it. Don't be the moron who doesn't figure that out until after college. In 4 years you'll either look back and laugh and agree, or your life will be pretty sad. You don't have to be an alcoholic or a whore to have fun. Trust me, it's a lot more fun when you finally start your dream career or meet someone you'll spend the rest of your life with. Until you get over your stupid adolescence you're only throwing years of your life out the window by making no forward progress whatsoever. And if you're still dumb enough to think I was being jealous, then imagine how it would feel to have a crack addict tell you that you're jealous. I laughed out lard really hard. Sure, the moron probably has a lot of fun for a few hours each night, but their life is a spiral of awfulness and no one is jealous of people like that. Your case isn't severe yet, so hopefully you wise up before it is. Good luck with life. If you can't take negative feedback then get the fuck off of reddit with your attention seeking posts.
yourgirlsamus: I'm not seeking attention and I don't give two shits...no, not even ONE shit about some stupid votes. I posted because my story is somewhat entertaining and I thought I would share what is most likely the biggest fuck up of my 23 years of life. I don't need advice from a old man who has nothing better to do than berate people. We call you keyboard warriors and there's a reason people think ill of them. You hide behind your computer/phone screen and think you have the right to call people names and use your right to free speech. Listen, asshole, (since you don't give up) I don't call people names ever...know why? Because it is petty, immature, and just plain ignorant. So go be ignorant somewhere else. No one likes stupid asshole trolls.
NahhYoureWrong: Didn't call you names. I called you a whore because you were by definition being a whore. That's not being petty, that's being accurate. You don't have to like the truth. It's still true. You're allowed to post whatever you want, and we're allowed to reply however we want. If you don't want to hear it then stop replying and leave.
| 12 | -0.916667 | |
1404638023 | 1404663802 | t3_29yhlv | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU - Icy Hot
I ran a 1/2 Marathon yesterday and my legs are still sore. I've been putting Icy Hot on them as it helps tremendously. After I finished massaging my quads with this amazing substance I had to take a piss. I didnt even think to wash my hands before using the restroom as I always do that after. About 10 seconds after I finished pissing I realized the tip of my penis was burning like I just had sex with some sandpaper. I was 20 minutes late to work because I had to wash my dick in the bathroom sink for 10 minutes to get the pain to stop.
[deleted]: Next time, use some sour cream to kill the burn. Water won't help.
unjike: water helps get some of it off the "area" then you should use something like sour cream or milk to stop the pain
| 3 | 6 | |
1404640454 | 1404647177 | t3_29yj5g | t5_2to41 | 77 | No4h_93: TIFU by bending over.
I was watching my brother’s soccer game. It being a club founded in the 1940's and of a certain ethnic background, the typical mentality is; if it’s not broke why fix it. So while being one the most dominant clubs with a massive following. Everything is ancient and never maintained, especially the toilets. Here is where I fucked up… I hadn't used the toilet before I left.
The weather was a standard winters day, absolutely terrible. I had eaten [Ćevapi] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C4%86evapi), Which is served with cabbage salad and onions in roll. After 2 of these and a coffee I began to get stomach pains which I thought was because of the cold and not peeing prior to the game.
**I could not have been more wrong…**
After I pissed and returned to my seat, the pain was still there so I returned… now the state of the toilet was not the best but after 50 layers of toilet paper it was useable. So I bent over to pick up toilet paper when disaster struck, the demon inside of me could not wait. I clenched like I had never clenched before (I mean I could have turned concrete to dust without breaking a sweat), but no, the beast could not be tamed. I had sharted. For the first time since childhood I had shat my pants.
At this point I panic, rip my pants off and squat unleashing the power of Zeus via my bowels. The toilet was a mess though I had managed to miss myself apart from what was already collected in my undies. I spent and I shit you not 30 minutes wiping my ass. I always keep emergency clothing in my cars boot so i was lucky i had a change.
i was so naive to once judge those of you who had shat there pants.
mrlesa95: I would never eat ćevapi or pljeskavica and then drink coffee lol
Where are you from?
No4h_93: had coffee (short black) about 10 minutes before the ćevapi. from Australia
| 3 | 25.666667 | |
1404642971 | 1404646728 | t3_29ykrg | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to eat.
This happened moments ago so it's all fresh in my mind, and my mouth.
I've been up all night watching a live stream and playing TES games. I haven't eaten all day which I end up doing often without intention, which doesn't seem like an issue but it becomes one later on. Since it was morning and whatnot I said to myself "Time to take a morning shit" So I went to the bathroom and proceeded to do so. On my way there I took my morning medicine, as well as my night medicine I forgot to take. I knew it would make my stomach hurt a bit by taking both at once but I wasn't too concerned. Anyway, as I was taking my morning dump, I felt my stomach feel odd. I figured it was for taking both pills at once, but then I remembered that If I don't eat, my medicine makes my stomach sick. The two things combined must have accelerated the process or something because I had once of miniature vomits that you can hold in your mouth.
This is where it got complicated, I couldn't puke in the toilet as I was shitting in it, the sink was too far to puke in, and I noticed that part of my pill was in the vomit. If I don't take the pill, it makes my days unbearable for me and those around me. So I had to suck it up and swallow it while shitting.
The reason why it was so bad is because it felt so shameful for some reason. Anyways, a wise man once said "If you're gonna fuck up, might as well get it out of the way early."
5unbr0: Jesus fucking christ, that's enough TIFU for me for this week (and it's fucking monday)
6romperstomper9: I can smell and taste it!
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1404645674 | 1404765521 | t3_29ymlp | t5_2to41 | 436 | perigon: TIFU by "exposing" myself to my family.
This literally just happened this morning, so I'm still cringing like crazy from it.
We let our dog into the hallway of our house every night to sleep. Now for some reason he decided to start barking and whimpering really early in the morning. He must have heard a dog outside or something. I get up out of bed, groggy, tired and cursing, and proceed to let him out.
Now as I'm returning up the stairs I meet my mother and sister. They give me a sort of stunned look. I'm just tired and ignore them so I can go to bed, but after a few seconds my sister says "Dude, what the fuck". Confused, I start looking around me and finally fix my gaze on my groin area. Yeah I was wearing boxers, but my morning wood had found its way straight through the fly of my boxers for all the world to see. It was a full on erection too, so after a few more seconds of me trying to tuck it back into the fly of my boxers and failing, in front of my mom and sister I might add, I uneasily muttered that I had I had " only come downstairs for the dog". They gave me even stranger looks after that so I panicked and ran back to my room without saying another word to them.
I realize I handled that situation terribly and it's gonna an awkward summer from now on.
Edit1: Dog hasn't showed up since I let it out this morning. I left the house for the afternoon and just came back now. Still haven't talked to mother and sister since the incident. Think I should just pretend it never happened.
**TL;DR Showcased my morning erection to family members through fly of my boxers. It wouldn't go down. Failed terribly at trying to put it back in. To top it off I made it sound like I have a thing for our dog.**
ilikeeatingbrains: Can we see a picture of said dog, in crotchless panties?
kamikyhacho: #####OP we are waiting
edgebigfan: How do you make the text that big?
kamikyhacho: 5 hashtags
edgebigfan: #####HOLY SHIT THANKS#####
kamikyhacho: Only works on some subs though
redditpineapple81: #####I NEED TO TRY THIS TOO
paceboys: #####MOTHER OF GOD
dicklessfishcornshit: ##### SKELETONS DON'T REAL
Gromma: #####DON'T SAY THAT, IF I WANT TO BELIEVE, THEN LET ME, DAMNIT!
Boboclown89: #####Like this?
EDIT: Holy shit
Richy8447: #####I HAD TO JOIN IN TOO
synicalx1: #####TOM CRUISE
MaieJ: #####FrankerZ = Dog Face (no space)#####
cottonheadedninnymug: #####THE DAAYY YOU LOVED MEEEEEE, AN ANGEL CRIIIIIIIIEEED
| 16 | 27.25 | |
1404647005 | 1404676145 | t3_29ynip | t5_2to41 | 70 | SandpaperScrew: TIFU By Fucking My Best Friend's Love
This is going to be wordy. And complicated.
Today I made the biggest fuck up of my life. My best friend, shit, this guy was practically my brother, like I have never had a friendship like this, I gave him the biggest emotional pain that could have ever been dealt. For months and months now, he's been crazy over this girl he works with. I'd known her for longer, and actually had a bit of a crush on her, but he ended up deeply infatuated with her. When he gets attached to a girl, he is ATTACHED. Full-on hopeless romantic. Believes every word that comes out of her mouth, and every one that doesn't. Well they started off by hooking up one night after work, and eventually became fuck buddies.
Knowing him, I knew he wasn't going to be able to keep it at that, and I warned him not to do it because I assured him she wasn't going to be feeling the same way. He said he knew, and that he wasn't. I knew better. Sure enough, a couple weeks later, they're dating. I'm alright with it, it's nice to see him happy, especially after spending the last three years obsessed with his ex. Well, I hang out with them over at her house a few times, and a chick-friend of our's is over there. We're drinking a little, and his girlfriend starts trying to make moves on our chick-friend. Like, grabbing for her vagina, her tits, trying to make out with her, and she being a good friend told her no. The next day she blamed it on the alcohol and that she didn't mean it and that was enough for him to buy. Well, fast forward to the next time we're drinking over there, just her, him and I, and she ends up trying to fuck ME. Like, real stealthily reaching for my dick and kind of rubbing up against me and giving me flirty eyes. They go to bed and I hear screamed out of the room "I WANT TO FUCK *SandpaperScrew*, OKAY?" and she runs out half naked to the futon I'm sleeping on. I tell my friend about what she had been doing earlier and he gets furious and confronts her, and she says she was flirting a little and that she does want to fuck me but she's just a little tipsy and needs to go to bed. I saw how much she drank. Like half a beer. He forgives her and the next morning she swears up and down she didn't mean it and that she really didn't want to do anything with me. He gets over it. Note, at this point, my friend is already convinced that he's in love with this girl. At this point, for me, I'm telling him to get her the fuck out of his life.
Alas, no cigar. He can't help his "feelings" and thinks he can for sure help her. A few days later I get a call from her asking how she could go about leaving him. I tell her to just break up with him, but she says she doesn't want to hurt him and blah blah bullshit. She says all she wants is an open relationship so she can fuck other guys and girls while being with him. I tell her he'll never go for that. After getting off the phone with her, I run over to my friend's house and tell him everything she told me and he shoots her a text saying she could've just been honest. We hop in my car and are headed to my place to watch some TV and play games. On the way there, she calls me and my friend makes me answer it. She sounds like she'd been drinking and she said how she was happy I told him and that her and her lady-friend were wanting to have a threesome and that I was so handsome and I should go over there and fuck them. My friend is listening to this over speaker-phone and tells me to say yes so he can bust in there and tell her off and grab his booze out of her fridge. So I say sure, I'll be over there in a minute. I show up to the door alone, waltz in and she's getting all over me asking if I seriously was going to do it and I just said "Do what?" while making my way to the fridge and grabbing my friend's bottle of whiskey then turning around and heading for the door. Cue my friend swinging the door open and telling her what's for and dumping and saying how terrible a person she is and I'm so fucking proud of him. I let him finish up while I run the booze to my car. Even while he's going on and on, she's STILL trying to be all over me. So yeah, we hop in my car and drive off and I'm like "Hell yeah, I'm proud of you. You have to promise you won't go back to that sociopathic slut." and he says "Definitely, fuck her." and I say "Good, because I swear to you, if you get back with her or even start trying to and she tries to fuck me again, I will do it. I would rather you hate me for the rest of your life than ruin it over some piece of trash like that." and he says that that's fucked up and I said that I absolutely promise I will, hoping that that would convince him not to go back, because I know him better than anyone and know how stupidly forgiving he is.
He's a hopeless romantic, and I'm a very promiscuous person. I have a ton of care-free no-strings-attached sex and that's virtually impossible for him. But I love this guy. I really do, and I hate to see him hurting. Well, a few days later she pops up again, he has her apologize to me, swear it won't happen again, and that her and him are just friends now. In my mind I'm thinking "You fucking idiot." but all I say "Yeah, okay." and then chewing him out later only for him to go on about how he loves her but knows he can't be with her but maybe if they just fuck occasionally and he gives her attention she might reflect the feeling. I tell him he's making a big mistake.
Well fast forward to last night and my friend and our buddies are all over at one of their houses drinking and shooting pellet guns and blowing up microwaves and she shoots him a text asking if she can come over. He asks our buddy who owns the house if it's okay and then he asks me. I say "Sure, whatever." but really wishing she wouldn't but saying that would just make him whine about how I said I forgave her and that I should do it for him. So she shows up, starts drinking and we're all playing pool and he's getting frustrated but won't tell me why and he's fastening a noose out of a strap and hanging it from the balcony being serious but jokingly talking about how he wants to die. We all get pretty drunk and he keeps disappearing to his Jeep and while she once again starts coming onto me and rubbing against me and the same old shit. I finally get him to tell me what's wrong and it's that he really wants to tell her he loves her and he cares about her but he's afraid to. Eventually he takes off in his Jeep without telling anybody where he went while everybody else is passing out. She's sleeping in my friend's bed, only to run out after being in there for two minutes and she goes outside while I hear his Jeep taking off. I run out to see what's going on, see her sitting in her truck and him gone, I try to call him only to not get an answer. She opens her truck door and tells me to come to her. I go over there and she starts freaking out about how my friend tried to rape her in his bedroom (which I later found out to be bullshit and actually the other way around) and that she needed me to hold her and sit in the truck with her. I get in with her and she starts moving close to me and starts hitting on me again, saying how it's her birthday and she just wants to get fucked. I think "Fuck it, I'm getting rid of her." and proceed to let her have at it.
In the middle of this my friend shows back up and pulls in and I yank her off and tell her to put her fucking clothes on while everything that just happened finally dawns on me and I start freaking out. I put my pants on and jump out of the truck and run up to him and ask him where he went. He tells me to go the fuck away and pulls out a baseball bat. This isn't because he saw us, but because he's still freaking out about the whole love thing. I'm fucking shaking and go downstairs to where my friend who she accused of rape is down there and I end up telling him what happened and that I fucked up, which I later find out he had actually been spying on us and saw the whole thing. He tells me to follow him up there and everything is going to be explained to him and I do only to be told to go away. I go back but hide behind a parked car nearby. I can hear them talking then finally my friend screams "THAT PIECE OF SHIT, I'M GOING TO KILL HIM." and he bursts into tears. I am dead inside. They end up heading back to the downstairs and I sneak around while they walk by to my car and I hop in it and take off. She pulls out in her truck and starts following me. I pull into a closed gas station down the road and so does she and I go nuts. I scream at her asking why she exists and why the fuck she would let something like that happen. I start sobbing and fall onto the gravel and go full Tyler Durden office scene on myself. I bunch up rocks in my fists and start to furiously beat the shit out of my face. This goes on for twenty minutes while she calls up my friend and bullshits him about how we didn't fuck and that nothing happened. She comes back over to me and tells me that they want me to go back to talk and that a car had pulled in and they might be calling the cops. I tell her to do me a favor and never talk to me again and I get in my car and go back to the house to face my punishment because nothing could be worse than what I already did to myself. I get there and our friend comes up and tells me that we're going to talk and that he isn't going to allow any yelling or fighting and that he'll put a stop to it himself. I go over and sit near my best fucking friend in the world while he stands in between us and I tell him what happened. I get told that I'm a worthless piece of shit and get completely torn apart verbally and I've never felt worse in my life. They then tell me to get in my car and our friend brings up my stuff I had left there and now here I am at home typing this out feeling absolutely like the worst human being on the planet.
TL;DR: My bestest friend fell in love with a sociopathic slut that tried to fuck me, I told him if he let her back in his life I would do it just so he would get over her, he did and so I did and now I am the most diabolical piece of shit on the planet.
Edit: Paragraphs.
DariusN: By having sex with a girl he likes, you are a dick.
Its no excuse you warned him. That's fucked. How could you do that after he was even acting suicidal? He showed he was in a lot of pain... The fuck man?
SandpaperScrew: The suicidal thing is a recurring problem with him. He always gets overly dramatic about shit and jumps on the "I want to kill myself" train. Other friends have pulled guns out of his mouth and stopped him from jumping off bridges. That was because his ex left him after two years of being together. This was because he was in love with this chick and couldn't tell her. Absolutely over the edge of rationality in my book.
DariusN: A lot of people have issues though. You shouldn't push him though. Its better to deal with it, have him get help, or just cut ties.
SandpaperScrew: Well I essentially did cut ties. I just wasn't going to leave it with him still head over heels for a dime-a-dozen whore.
DariusN: Honestly from what you said though you fucked up. You just hurt him. Now he lost his friend and the girl he thought he loved. Do you think you doing this is going to stop him from getting in the same situation again? Now he won't have anyone watching out for him.
SandpaperScrew: All I can hope for is that he learned from it and that not every girl is a perfect princess with a voice of silk and behavior of satin and maybe he'll be able to make better judgment next time.
| 7 | 10 |
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