start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1404649819 | 1404655515 | t3_29ypme | t5_2to41 | 195 | Beatoffbandit: TIFU, By beating off in front of the police.
Not today, but a few years ago. I had just graduated college and started an internship in a new city. I was subletting a friends apartment for the time being. It was a Monday and the guys at work wanted to grab some beers so naturally I went along. Strong beers on top of a weak lunch hit me like a ton of bricks. I stumbled my way to public transit and headed home. When I got off I realized I had left my backpack on there with my laptop and keys in it. I was let into my building by a guy smoking on our porch, my apartment was another challenge. It was an older building so the doors and doorframe weren't too solid, if that makes sense. Luckily after a few tries I was able to throw myself into the door and bust the lock and get in. A little bit of duct tape would secure it for the evening.
This is where the plot thickens. I was relieved I was able to get into my place and thought I had earned some alone time. Remember the backpack, well it contained my laptop. Quick thinking and ever resourceful, I remembered my ps3 had web browsing capabilities. Porn on a 36 inch flat screen, oh boy, what a day. The apartment was situated that once you walk in the first thing you see is the couch in front of the tv. I quickly disrobed and began my activities. Apparently my attempts to get into my apartment had concerned the neighbors who called the police and reported a breaking and entering. As I was mid stroke two police officers kicked in duct taped door and saw me going to town on myself. I quickly covered up and put my hands in the air. After pausing the porn I explained the situation and provided proof of my residence. I also explained that I'm not some guy running around the city breaking into apartments an jerking off. However, now I can not finish unless there's a gun drawn down on me, a terrible affliction.
TL:DR (I don't know that stands for) Got drunk, broke into my apartment, neighbors called the cops, cops entered to find me jerking off, can't climax without a gun or cop outfit involved.
IamKingSandDuck: TL;DR= Too long ; didn't read
Edit-Iphone failed me.
PapaBradford: You used too many spaces.
moonkeh: and too many 'e's and not enough apostrophes.
PapaBradford: But the main one is not enough capitalization.
moonkeh: If anything, he used too much capitalization.
PapaBradford: All in all, I think we can all agree, not enough cowbell.
| 7 | 27.857143 | |
1404655003 | 1404720209 | t3_29ytxn | t5_2to41 | 1,680 | ForgottenPhenom: TIFU by sending a dirty snapchat...
**SEE EDITS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED** Well this happened last night. I wasn't drunk or anything, but it was very late. (Technically this morning -3 am) and I was playing xbox. Of course, what everyone does at 3 am!
So anyway this girl and I were exchanging nudes through snapchat. I don't know fucking why. I could only see them for a few seconds and my home button is fucked up so I can't screenshot either. (And I'm not that much of a dick anyway to do that)
I was in the middle of a game when she sent me more pictures, I was like "fuck yeahhhh" *A sudden rush of blood came through me.* Through my horniness I heard my friend, in my live party, asking why I was happy. I explained what had happened and of course, he said what any friend would say -"Dude save them, I'll come over tomorrow and you can show me!" He got very excited. Lol
I said I had to go send a picture back to her and he laughed and said "okay, hurry up. I'll protect you." At this point I was thinking to myself how fucking funny it was that my friend wasn't going to let me die as I sent a dirty picture to a random girl on snapchat.
**WELL GUYS, FUCK ME** <---basically how I felt after I sent the picture, to the wrong person. I sent a picture of my dick to no, not the horny stranger with big tits, but to sisters friend, who is out of college, with a boyfriend of 2 years.
I actually had a crush on this girl when I was younger and she knew it because I told her. And I was still good friends with her. I sent that picture at approximately 3:30 am. (Also, I did send many random snaps to her to cover it up, wishing she will be like "the fuck?" And tap the screen really fast and skip the dick pic...)
She hasn't opened it yet...
I don't know what her reaction will be when she wakes up to that message.
**EDIT 1:** she hasn't opened it yet guys! I will tell you as soon as she will. (She may be out of town or on the lake for the holiday)
**EDIT 2:** **SHE OPENED IT** NO RESPONSE YET.. (As of two minutes ago)
Edit 3: for everyone to know, the girl I meant to send it to lives in my area. I meant "random" as in, we haven't talked in 3 years, random. I understand it could sound desperate the way I worded it, but I didn't mean it to come through like that
Edit 4: sorry for the spelling. I think I ~~*could of*~~ been born stupid.
**EDIT 5:** SHE REPLIED OVER TEXT. With this: "Were you drunk last night?"
We called each other. She got a little mad at me, but all is well. She is pretty cool about it. I explained everything to her. (To my surprise, she fucking knew the girl I meant to send it to more than I did) she was actually astonished that the girl even sent me pictures, saying she would never expect that from her. Apparently I cracked a hard egg!
We're still friends. She told me she won't tell her boyfriend because he has a short temper and that he would probably get mad. But everything turned out okay. Thanks cool people for following this post! (Even the grammar nazis, I need you guys every once in awhile!) and to everyone who said I was desperate and stuff, everyone gets horny. Sorry the way I released my urge was different from the way you would do it.. Guess that makes me a loser?
#####EDIT 6: Are there any Great thriller movies on Netflix?!?! I'm bored AS FUCK RIGHT NOW#####
**IM WATCHING THIS THRILLER MOVIE CALLED "AN AWKWARD SEXUAL ADVENTURE." JUST JOKING, IT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A THRILLER BUT AN OKAY MOVIE.**
#####WHY AM I YELLING#####
CryHav0c: >We're still friends. She told me she won't tell her boyfriend because he has a short temper and that he would probably get mad.
I would personally not be mad at this. I would find it HILARIOUS and give you shit for it. :P
ForgottenPhenom: Well fuck you too!(: haha:P
CochinBrahmaLover: I thought you said 'well would you fuck me too!(: haha:P'
And I was so prepared to answer yes but goddamnit.. You fucked up your chance.
ForgottenPhenom: But I think you're a dude, soo that'd be weird. But I would like it
CochinBrahmaLover: Lol I'm not. But I'm flattered nonetheless.
ForgottenPhenom: Well in that case...
CochinBrahmaLover: Sorry, I prefer dudes who don't think I'm a man. :p
ForgottenPhenom: Meh. I won some and I lost some.
CochinBrahmaLover: Where did you win?
ForgottenPhenom: I got nudes from a girl! And then I lost a girl:/
CochinBrahmaLover: How is that.. Apart...
Whatever sweety. That's too bad ): (:
ForgottenPhenom: No no, don't "sweety" me.
CochinBrahmaLover: Sweety, pumpkin, June-bug. Honey-dear
You can't control me!
ForgottenPhenom: Haha it's okay! I don't like any of the others after sweety anyway!(;
CochinBrahmaLover: Honey? Hun? Sugar? Sweet pea?
C'mon sweety, sweety can't be the only name that you like :p
ForgottenPhenom: I like to call girls sweetheart. And they hate it. -.- but it's my favorite one. Haha
I prefer to be called "jackypoo," cause my name is Achmed
CochinBrahmaLover: Aww that's too sad. Sweetheart is lovely.
And how the fuck do you get Jackypoo from Achmed?
Also, by chance, are you a suicide bomber?
ForgottenPhenom: I know! Literally ALL of my ex's hated that name..so just stuck with the regular "baby" shit. And no, obviously my name is Jack! Haha
CochinBrahmaLover: ...I feel like I fell for that one way too easily.
But who lies about their *name*? That's some petty shit yo.
ForgottenPhenom: I know you did. Hah. Well it's late here. I should go to bed. Goodnight*
CochinBrahmaLover: It's like midnight here.
Thank god I'm on vacation.
Goodnight.
| 22 | 76.363636 | |
1404656681 | 1404679050 | t3_29yvou | t5_2to41 | 717 | stephrockith: TIFU making homemade caramel [NSFW]
http://i.imgur.com/vmXjicN.jpg
Today I was trying to make homemade caramel as topping for a samoa cheesecake. While pulling the bowl out of the microwave, it slipped out of my hands and dumped boiling sugar all over my arm and leg. Burns on my leg are deep 2nd degree and burn on my arm is a 3rd degree. I'm meeting with a truma surgeon on Monday.
On the upside, since most of my nerves are burned away, I'm not in a whole lot of pain!
EDIT: Thanks for all the well-wishes! I know I was dumb to boil the sugar in the microwave, I don't usually do that. I'm still not in a lot of pain, but I know that will change! The cheesecake is fine! My boyfriend is getting store-bought caramel to finish it tonight!
EDIT 2: After a bit less than 48 hours
http://imgur.com/a/ZrLfm
I also feel the need to say that I'm a girl.. haha
UPDATE: http://imgur.com/a/1N1ex
I'm doing just fine. I don't think the burns are as bad as they seem.
TheDemonClown: Jesus...next time, do it the easier way: get two cans of condensed milk and dump them (unopened) into a pot of boiling water for 4 hrs. Way less risk of lava burns that way.
MattieShoes: That sounds explodey-can dangerous... I'd always heard to vent the cans then leave them sitting upright in boiling water, using a double boiler if on a gas range.
TheDemonClown: I was simplifying it, but that's basically how my roomie and I did it. I can't remember if we vented the cans, though...as I recall, we had them entirely submerged the whole time and nothing blew up.
MattieShoes: When you heat shit, it expands... Just seems a bit scary. I mean, in a covered pot, even an explodey can aint gonna do any major harm. But I'd be freaking out if I were handling the cans when they were still that hot. That shit would be like napalm.
TheDemonClown: Yeah, if it blew up. But it didn't. The cans didn't even expand in size that I can remember. I actually just confirmed with my roommate that we didn't poke holes in the cans, just boiled them.
MattieShoes: Right... I didn't mean they WOULD, but they COULD in theory. It's not that the risk is high, it's that the penalty is high... Kind of like why we wear seatbelts.
TheDemonClown: Well, I did have a lid sitting nearby to use as a small shield. And I wasn't even in the kitchen the whole time, I just checked in every ~20 mins. to make sure the water level didn't drop so far that the cans were no longer submerged. I'm actually curious now as to why the cans didn't blow up, since it seems to be such a worry.
| 8 | 89.625 | |
1404662484 | 1404663085 | t3_29z2wy | t5_2to41 | 5 | JosephHowards: TIFU By being honest as heck 0.0
This happened about 1 week after i broke up with my gf.
--Intro--
For about 6 months i was attracted by a particular girl i sat next to in class, classy girl, pretty cute face, really smart - which i really liked, she was my type exactly but i hadn't realized it at that point, that was around December, i will call her S. During the recess at that time, i was interested in a girl that was really fun, it was cold so it was an excuse to stay close to each other xD... We played games on my iphone and talked during recess quite a lot. Lets call her A.
At some point, i overheard her saying that the guy she liked a guy on her school bus but he didnt like her back. So i just accepted it she wasnt interested.I hanged out with her, her self confidence was kinda low so i did my best to cheer her up.
In Jan i got my self a gf and distanced my self from the other 2 girls a bit.
--Main story--
I realized i had a crush for months on S so i broke with my gf she changed, she was mean and stuff, basically she acted as if she didnt care about me and was a douche bag of a person, she did the same to me as her ex did her(note that when i broke up with her she said, why are you so cold like him(meant her ex) when she was the cold one).
Anw i realized i had crush on S for months before and i kinda knew it but i wasn't honest with my self, that is why i broke up with my gf.
So its 3AM, i was numb so i didnt really care what S would think, i plainly told her.
Let me quote her here, "How the heck did you come to this" ,"Out of all people, why me?" , "I am sorry but Exes of friends are out of limits" (tbh they werent *really* friends more like acquantances) and last but not least "Dont worry about me, you will forget about me in a week" (Yeah its been 7 months she was stuck in my head, mind you the relationship with the other girl was 5 months).
(She didnt even say she didnt like me or saw me as friend which is what bothers me the friggin most!!! ARGHHHH)
After a few hours i told her i was drunk when i sent the message as an excuse. (Only lie here to avoid awkwardness)
Then i was talking with A, she was sad because she thought she was ugly, that is because of how the guy she liked treated her.I told her she was wrong as i knew 2 guys that liked her at some point. I told her i will tell her the name of 1,
told her about the other guy, she already knew so she said it didnt count. I told her that i was the other guy who liked her and she was like, omg sorry for making you go through all this and telling you about x (the guy she liked but tbh i didnt mind ).
So after that day, S didnt talk to me, A barely talks to me and i am single horray!!!
TL:DR; I lost the gf, the chances with my crush and a female friend by being honest with myself!YAY for honesty... All in 1 day!!!
[deleted]: Recess? And your drunk? I'm so lost.
JosephHowards: Recess as in breaks during the day, that was in December i even pointed it out on the text... I said i was drunk as an excuse.
[deleted]: Oh ok. I thought recess like in 2nd grade. Guess what, you will find more pussy so don't fear.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404656818 | 1404682886 | t3_29yvu8 | t5_2to41 | 66 | mynameisj3sus: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend while sick
So yesterday I took a trip to the Dr's to see my doc about my knee. As they were taking my vitals and all my temperature showed up as 101 degrees. I just thought it was just hot as balls outside and it was nothing to worry about. However my throat was hurting so they thought it would be harmless if they just took a few swabs of my throat to test for Strep throat. I sat in the Doc's room for about 10 minutes and they came back and told me the tests came back negative and I did not have strep throat. Later that night my SO and I went out to a nice dinner and went back to my place. Obviously, we started to get into it and began to engage in sexual intercourse. At this point my head was pounding and my eyes were sore but my penis didn't care. So, to get to the point, I threw up all over my SO face and ruined our night. The next morning "Joe" from the fucking ER calls me to say "we are sorry but the results from yesterday are a false negative. you do indeed have Strep Throat."
-.-
coool12121212: Omg XD, how's your SO now? I'm guessing you won't bang for a while
edit: why all the downvotes?
divvd: First rule about downvotes: don't talk about downvotes
coool12121212: and the second rule?
divvd: Bring them
| 5 | 13.2 | |
1404664588 | 1404665649 | t3_29z5np | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by finding my math teacher's instagram account in which she has pictures of being a slut
Today I was going through instagram and I ran across a username which basically said they puffed pot everyday. I looked at the profile and I find pictures of my math teacher shooting shotguns and drinking beer with her 40 year old boyfriend *she's 23 and some how manages to have a degree in teaching* Stalking her even more, I see a picture of her in lingerie and you can see her entire back. On her back, she has a division equation tattoo that runs from her neck to lower back. I am completely disgusted. I failed her class due to how bad her teaching was and I am going to have her again this year. This is going to be hell.
EDIT: Not going to give out her instagram but I will show pictures with her face taken out here: http://imgur.com/a/AvggC
Super_King85: I think we're going to need the link. For science, obviously.
[deleted]: I'll post pictures but I would need to block out her face and name for safety reasons
Super_King85: Science will accept this compromise. I'm really just interested in this equation on her back haha.
GrapePlasma: You sly dog
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1404666731 | 1404718397 | t3_29z8jn | t5_2to41 | 24 | Trubs_D: TIFU by telling my boyfriend I have been faking for years.
Its as bad as it sounds. It happened maybe 4 months ago. I only did it because I know I cant get off and Im tired of having to put on act during sex. I thought he would be happy that Im telling him my darkest embarrassing secret but all he could scream at me. I know it was a shot to his ego, but I aslo thought it might motivate him to do the things I like in the bedroom. I know all I want to do is please him, but I guess it's too much to want to return the favor. There is more to this, but It belongs in r/deadbedroom.
NSA_BUMRAPE: It doesnt compute that somebody would fake it for years. You must be pretty young. I would advise you to let him know how to drive you 10/10 crazy real time. Get him inbetween your legs and instruct him as he goes. But offer the same beforehand. Tell him you want to blueball the fuck out of him until he is on the cliff of face pasting exctasy. If you want orgasms that rip right thru you until your a sweaty heap, you need to offer the same. He probably thinks your boring in bed, as you do him. Open the fucking communication channels. Find his kink and let yours be known. Dress up. Push boundaries. Tell him exactly what will turn you into a cock craving out patient. Or find someone else, cus sex dictates everything. You will forgive horrible traits for explosive sex.
Trubs_D: I'm 29. Im all for teasing and having the build up. I was married for 7 years previously. The sex form my first marriage was OMG! He also went down after making out and foreplay for hours. That was some good sex my friends. But with my current bf, its like he has no sexual lust. He has NEVER kissed me to the point I felt light headed. When we decided to have sex Im normally asleep and I get woken up to him crawling on top of me. It's like we are an old married couple, except we never got that honeymoon stage. We went straight to raising the kids we had from previous relationship and kind of just fell into this. Believe me I have tried. I get hit on constantly so I know Im not ugly by any means, I just dont feel like he really wants me. I know this feeling is stemming from the deadbedroom. Im just worried Im going to leave, or worse cheat on, the love of my life. We're perfect minus this one HUGE issue.
NSA_BUMRAPE: Your not perfect if he isnt rocking your boat at least one every three days. Sorry. That doesnt mean he doesnt have the desire to do so though. If your considering cheating then you are not a very nice girl. If you cant see a way forward, end it. There is no reason to hurt someone who loves you!
Trubs_D: There is no one else I rather be with... Sometimes I feel like Im on a sinking ship because I'v told him what I want and need. He says he will do it, he is sorry, and then he never does. I'll bring it up 2 weeks later and all he can say is I know, but the pressures of work, the kids, and us. There is always some excuse. Either he just isnt attracted to me or he doesnt have a passionate bone in his body.
NSA_BUMRAPE: Well he could be saving your feelings cus he loves you but isnt BAM I want to fuck u.. maybe you have put weight on..Its really strange, here you are talking to me random internet guy. When you should be talking to your partner.
People are fucking weird.
Trubs_D: I've tried talking to him! Thats why I am talking to random internet people. I normally just stalk reddit, but Im so frustrated at this point I was hoping to maybe get some advice. It's not my weight, I'm 5'10 and 155lbs.
NSA_BUMRAPE: Well I dont know what to say at this point. Other than, if your still unsatisfied next week PM your naked body and ill tell you exactly what I would do to you.
Its a one time offer out of sympathy, of course.
Trubs_D: Oh My Lord, LOL *blushing*
NSA_BUMRAPE: I feel bad for you man. You are not asking anything unusual. You are asking for something that should be natural. He should want the scent of your pussy all over his face 24/7. To put it bluntly. No wonder your doubting yourself. From me to you, I would end it. Hes meant to be your lover not your buddy.
That is your choice.
Trubs_D: Well I'm thinking you maybe right. Tonight I got up and fixed him a couple jack and cokes. On the last one he asked for a sandwich. I said that will cost you. Smiled at him and got up. I asked" you still want that sandwich baby?"..... he said no. What makes it worse is he acts like he doesnt know why I am pissed and tries to love all over me. I told him It's fucked up you beg and plead for a sandwich and then say NO when you have to pleasure me. I already cooked you three meals today, and you cant even go down on me to say thank you. Have fun with yourself, PRICK. I now will surf reddit till I pass out on the sofa cause Im furious.
devals: Life's too short, my friend... get out of this relationship with as much time left on the clock as possible.
| 12 | 2 | |
1404666485 | 1404696618 | t3_29z880 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my phone near the stairwell
long story short.. i was browsing some GW when my phone slipped out of my hands and fell down the stairs. At the time my parents had guests over, and they happened to be downstairs where the phone landed..
KrisGroovin: What's GW?
MontanoAlan77: It's a sub Reddit basically just pics of naked women.
| 3 | 3 | |
1404668078 | 1404732267 | t3_29zai3 | t5_2to41 | 11 | destortoise: TIFU by staying out too late and hearing my friends have sex in the bathroom
So I'm in the city for the weekend of independence day etc and last night was the last night that I'd be here. It was a great night we bar hopped different places and even ended up at a sick live jazz bar. But it all went down hill when I ultimately chose the wrong 'friend group' to stay with.
Now I have two groups of friends who converged to hang out yesterday 1) the crazy ones who stay out past 4 am and 2) the ones who go home shortly after midnight to sleep comfortably.
Well seeing as it was my last night in the city, I said "fuck it, I'm staying out." It all went downhill from there... One of my friends was pretty aggressively hitting on one of my other friends and there seemed to be good chemistry. I later found out that sparks were flying left and right...
Once we finally got home around 5am, we all talked for a bit in the living room and I crashed on a mattress next to the bathroom (tight space, lots of people). Now about 5 minutes, maybe 2 minutes, after all the lights are out and everyone's in bed the two of them get up and go to the bathroom...
Then the horror ensues. They turned on the sink to try and cover the sound but I heard it all... They were trying really hard to be quiet I could hear it all... ah my ears. At one point they were going at it and the door, which doesn't have a lock on it, was pushed open for a second and quickly shut again. This went on for about an hour or so and it ended with my friend saying "that was the quietest I've ever had sex." BITCH, IT WAS NOT QUIET
This morning they really thought no one heard them and on my way out I looked at both of them and said, "I'm a really light sleeper."
**TL;DR stayed out late with horny friends and heard them having sex**
GiraffeRaging: Eh, so?
destortoise: Admittedly, it was hot but then I realized these were my two good friends
PIRATEghost85: You should have high fived them... Some friend you are!
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1404668495 | 1404710362 | t3_29zb2w | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by pulling a shotgun on a retarded child.
First, I want to start of with the fact that he was alone, so no, I'm not getting into any legal trouble.
Alright, so [Paul](http://imgur.com/a/B301d) likes to sit in the window, just like my other cats. Typically, Paul enjoys being a pain in the ass.
*You know, cat things. Knocking shit of counters, sitting on your face/chest at night, stealing socks etc.*
He can sit by the window when I have it open, at day when people can't see in, and the blinds are closed at night, when people can peer in on my business.
This all works out, right? Except fucker likes to push his head through the blinds and make this big, gaping hole in what I feel to be privacy.
I fall asleep in my living-room, where the window is, and wake up all disoriented. No, I wasn't drunk. When I wake up, it's like I'm incredibly high so I've been told. I zone out a lot.
*shrill human voice* "MEEEEEYOOOOWWWWWWWWWW" *BANG BANG*
I wake up out of my disorientation. "The fuck?"
"MEEEEEEEEEYOOOWWWW KITTYYY MOW MEOW!!" *BANG SLAM, STRANGE VERBAL SLURRING*
Now I don't live in the best of neighborhoods, I keep a shotgun just for safe keeping. I'm not generally a paranoid person, but there are break-ins constantly on other houses.
Sure enough, Paul the fucker has got his head opening the blinds, (they're vertical hanging), and there's someone banging on my window. I grab Mr. Shotgun, yes Mr. Shotgun, open up the door and stand a little shocked at what I had just did after I saw what I saw.
Standing there looking at my window, a retarded boy probably 8 - 10 years old, in embarrassing clothes that the poor kid had his parents put on him I assume. Basically just labeled him special. *Crocs*, light green sweat pants 2 sizes too small, and a white baggy t-shirt with what appeared to be spaghetti sauce on the front.
He starts crying (being some half asleep guy busts through the door with a shotgun) and then runs off as I try to apologize.
I feel pretty bad, Paul doesn't. *^^little ^^fucker..*
comedygene: You might wanna smooth things over. Talk to the parents, bring some ice cream for the kid, not call him retarded. Its impolite although I'm sure you don't mean it that way. Don't forget the ice cream.
GiraffeRaging: Don't know the parents, don't know the kid.
Katana0: I know at least among the people I know you'd have nothing to apologize for. The little fucker was on your lawn, banging on your windows. I live in a good neighborhood and if I heard someone banging on my windows and I didn't know why they'd get similar treatment.
[deleted]: Someone outside? Making noise? Better aim a gun at them! You're the reason I hate the second amendment.
Katana0: I'm not going to aim anything at them if it's benign, but yes I'm going to have something with me; I'm not going to take chances and get shot.
EDIT: Come to think of it, pointing a firearm at someone without reason is considered 'brandishing a deadly weapon' in most jurisdictions, although in my state it is covered under our 'disturbance of the peace' laws, so we *do* have to handle ourselves properly or face jail time.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1404670052 | 1404685619 | t3_29zd9y | t5_2to41 | 3 | MsBusty: TIFU by not checking first
1minuteman: use the shower.
MsBusty: Downstairs in the half bath. No showy in this one.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404673830 | 1404740242 | t3_29zitn | t5_2to41 | 69 | ButtProphet: TIFU by sending a dick pic to my wife.
This happened yesterday but still holds as a major fuck up.
My wife and I are new parents so sexy time is much harder to come by. Well a couple nights ago my wife was hinting about getting some time in after she got our son to sleep. She grabbed my junk kissed me and said be ready. So while I was waiting I snapped a picture and sent it to her phone. She always has her phone in her hand reading while she breastfeeds our son.
Fast forward to yesterday, I had to run to the hardware store to pick up a replacement spigot for our outside water hose. I took some pictures of the existing one to help with the correct part. I get to the store and ask the nice woman working there where the parts are and explain what needs to be replaced, also mentioning I have a picture of it to help. So I pull out my phone and click my camera photo reel to bring up the picture and BAM! My dick. I flipped my thumb while swinging my phone away from her face but she obviously saw it clearly as I did. I couldn't get the words back out to just ask where the parts were and she just kind of looked around while saying the isle to go to.
TL;DR took a pic of my dick, showed it to a hardware store clerk by accident
iNEEDheplreddit: My worst nightmare. Thats why i can't keep awesome pics of my SO on my phone for the long nights in work. I just know i'll want to show someone my nice garden and accidently slide to her creamy boobs or my dong.
AOSParanoid: There are certain apps meant to hide certain pictures. I had one that had a decoy album. If you entered the wrong password 3 times, it would let you in to the decoy album with random nature pictures.
PM_ME_UR_SOMETHING: I've got one that you can set two passwords to. I set one passcode as the same one on my ipad to just show some SFW pics of my gf and some passwords for a cover, and the actual one to hide all the naughty pics.
DIA13OLICAL: >Creamy boobs
Thanks for the detail ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1404673396 | 1404762616 | t3_29zi4m | t5_2to41 | 8 | VoidInsanity: TIFU : Because I am a near emotionless arsehole
Not sure if this is an /r/offmychest or a /r/TIFU, its a mix of both really. Rule 2 is to provide context, so here it is.
I really hate myself when this happens, I really do. More so than I do when nothing happens. Ever heard the phrase if you got nothing nice to say don't say it at all? Well I have no concept of that. I say things. I say hurtful things, but I don't realise they are hurtful. I only realise it when other people point that out to me. Sometimes it works the other way around, I end up saying a nice or funny thing at random but unfortunately that is too few and far between. I have a very sharp wit, but only when I am frustrated or upset. Sadness is the only emotion that effects me at present.
So I said a thing on the internet because I really hate Murder. I hate war. I hate preachy religions, I hate sexism, I hate society, I hate Humans. I want to like Humans though but I heard a thing moments ago that made me do a dumb pun moments after that I regretted instantly. Cuteness is my last bastion on earth, if the internet wasn't composed of cats I'd of prob left it years ago. My mind turns to pure malice whenever I picture harm come to an undeserving soul, depending on the severity of the mental image. Well today it was a very severe one.
There is a well known gaming youtube personality who has a very cute pet. This person has posted videos of the pet in question, I have watched them. It is very cute. I hold a high amount of respect for this person, so I follow them on twitter. Moments ago revealed a tragedy of animals in relation to their pet. The breeder the pet was obtained from had the rest of the breed run down by a wasteful existence. What is worse the arsehole in question is trying to pin their rampage on the breeder. I suppressed this knowledge, condensed it down to a single word.
That word is how I fucked up. It didn't last long, but it lasted long enough. This is the internet after all. Within moments it was pointed out how much of an absolute cunt I am so now not only do I feel like shit from this news, I feel even worse I potentially made others feel worse. Whenever I unintentionally upset people, real life, internet, anonymous, I feel like my existence is invalidated. Doesn't matter if I did or didn't, just the possibility is enough to break.
**TLDR** - I read a depressing story in a tweet, made a distasteful pun unintentionally and hate myself for it.
t3hmau5: I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. What happened to the animal and what did you say?
VoidInsanity: I'd rather not repeat what I said but I mentioned in the post it was run down. By run down I mean by a car. Some arsehole felt like running over some cute doggies and that upsets me. It was no accident.
t3hmau5: So this person intentionally ran over the dogs? And you condemned it?
Morgie24: Yeah, the person intentionally ran over the dogs. The pun may have been distasteful, different people react in different ways, so you know.
t3hmau5: I'm still confused. Was the comment in question condemning the action or making fun/light of it?
Can someone just link me to the twitter in question? This beating around the bush is really unnecessary
If this person posted evidence or claimed to have run over the dogs and you know who they are and were they live, report it to the police. They will check the twitter and charge them with animal cruelty.
Morgie24: I wasn't sure about posting twitter, but here you go.
http://www.twitlonger.com/show/neb4ue
t3hmau5: Ah thanks, perfectly clear now.
And a bit late, but yeah that's fucked up. I hope his tires don't mysteriously get slashed...and then again once he replaces them..and again, and again
Morgie24: It's sick that someone would do that and I hope TB's breeder wins the case with as much damage done to the perpetrator as possible.
| 9 | 0.888889 | |
1404674820 | 1404720530 | t3_29zk97 | t5_2to41 | 50 | anusplaythrowaway: TIFU by stinking up my wife's vibrator with my own ass. [NSFW]
I got a rare impulse today while the wife was away to seek out anal pleasures, and her vibrator collection included one that didnt seem too ambitious. So, I went for it. Afterwards, I immediately remembered why I haven't done that kind of thing in ages: cleanup is not fun. I'm too stupid to think of using a condom, of course, so I had to get the taint off that vibrator, and it wasn't easy. In fact, I don't think I succeeded. I did soap and water, baby wipes, soaking in vinegar, scrubbing with dish soap, and finally pouring boiling water over it. Still seems to smell like my ass. That, or there's an ass smell attached to the inside of my nostrils. Or dildo material smells funny. Anyway, if there's a home remedy amongst us, do tell, or my next move is to sabotage the device so she'll throw it out (probably should do that no matter what as a courtesy, though I'll be damned if it isn't cleaner than it's ever been).
jdl77535: she probably knows by the way you walk
LadySomora: He's a woman's man: no time to talk.
AtariiXV: The music's loud....
aznpwnageistaken: and women warm
AtariiXV: I've been kicked around since I was born.
VeraciousBuffalo: Ah ah ah ah stayin alive!
| 7 | 7.142857 | |
1404675693 | 1404677254 | t3_29zli9 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by kissing the girl I like
A little backstory first.
Earlier this week on Sunday evening I went to hangout with a good friend of mine (we will call him M). He was going to pick me up and we were going to go out and get some ice cream. He mentioned the fact that was bringing his friend (we will call her E) along with, no problem. We hangout for a while, and I discover that E and I get along very well. (With the slight problem that I am a Packer fan and she is a Bears fan, but that's beside the point.) We talk the next day and agree to meet up downtown to hangout that night. We hangout everyday for the next week, and so far everything is going extremely well.
Over the course of the week I find myself becoming more and more attracted to her. She is cute, funny, we share a lot of interests, so it's natural that I begin to like her. My friend M invited me out on his boat last night to watch the 4th of July fireworks out on the lake. I agree, and ask if I can bring E along with me, he says OK. We get out on the lake and all is going well, the fireworks show wasn't that great but it was still fun to be out there. About 10:30pm rolls around and we decide to head back in and go home. I have to drive E home, but she wanted to stay out until midnight with me, which I of course don't have a problem with. I park in a parking lot overlooking the lake, as some fireworks were still going on. We cuddle and talk for about a half hour before she decides she wants to go home.
This is where I fuck up.
I drive her back home across town and just before she gets out of my car I lean over and say, "Wait...before you go..." and then proceed to kiss her on the lips. She seems into it at first, but then she pulls away and gathers her things before she gets out of my car. Without saying bye or anything, she shuts the door and runs inside without looking back. I leave her house and start heading home, while repeatedly shouting profanity and throwing stuff around in my car.
We haven't talked since that night, it is now 3:00 the next afternoon.
TL;DR I kissed a girl I really like while dropping her off at home, and she hasn't made any effort to contact me since.
BearSmells: Call her and apologize if you offended her with that move.
FuckinUpMyZoom: its been less than 24 hours... give her a minute jesus christ.
TBMeatCanoe: I will call her later this evening to see if she wants to go to dinner or something. Maybe we can work things out that way. The worst thing about this is I don't know how she feels, like if she liked it or didn't, or if she wants to talk to me.
FuckinUpMyZoom: yeah we all know. we were 15 once too.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1404675693 | 1405992482 | t3_29zlia | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU by downloading my first, and last, porn. [NSFW]
Oh god is all I have to say.
This morning my husband and I received a message from my grandfather saying that he received a copy write infringement letter from our ISP and to stop whatever we were doing immediately.
Little back story: we've been living with them for a while. They didn't have the internet before we moved in, and we need it. It's sad and we justify it by saying we need it for online college classes, but really it's for entertainment. My husband and I wanted to have it installed and pay for it in our names, but we got the "our house, our bills, our names" talk and so they did it all. They pay it, we all use it, and have for 3 years with no problems.
My husband and I download lightly as there aren't many movies we like, however I have taken to downloading movies still in theater or not out on DVD yet. Super recently, like within the last month. So, I figured it would be for any of those items. Or Adventure Time. Love me some AT.
Nope.
Husband had a day off, finally, on this previous Tuesday, July 1. I decided I was tired of short, cut videos on pornhub/redtube/xtube... so I downloaded a porno off pirate bay.
In 4 days, FOUR DAYS, we got the letter about it. In big, bold letters **"Shane Diesel's Who's Your Daddy Now?" from Digital Sin.** I'm sure my grandparents wanted to see that.
So this was my first and last porn download. Probably my last PB/Media download as well since my ISP is probably watching us now.
MattE21: pirate bay. lulz. Amateurs. *Pun intended.
Releventcomments: What pun?
MattE21: Amateur as in Amateur porn. That Pun
Releventcomments: Oh
| 5 | 12 | |
1404675047 | 1404718251 | t3_29zkks | t5_2to41 | 58 | camcamman7: tifu by getting drunk and jacking off onto hotel curtains [nsfw]
So to celebrate our high school graduation my friends and I went on an all inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic. We met a fellow American there who was a much more seasoned drinker and pushed us well beyond our limits.
As the night went on, we drank more and more. I have little to no recollection of the night, but was able to piece it together from my snapchat story and stories from the resort staff. My favorite story was that I apparently yelled at my favorite staff member:
"YOU'RE MY REAL DAD, YOU FUCKED MY MOM SO HARD." repeating this over and over again.
One of the last things I remember was taking a shot of tequila and then going behind the bar and taking a shit. This was the point of the night when they decided to cut me off.
After this my friends found me floating on a raft in the kiddie pool in the resort. This is when one of my friends decided to take me back to the room. However, while walking back my friend received a text that there were girls at the resort dance, to which he left me to my own devices. This is where the night starts to get foggy.
The next morning looking at my snapchats we piece together that i made it back to the room, put on a dress shirt, took a 10 second video of me looking into a mirror, stripped down into my boxers and then left the room. I then went across the hall to the wrong room, took videos of me trying to open their room with my key unsuccessfully, and knocking on their door. The only part of this whole thing I do remember is that a Dominican man answered the door and helped me into my room, even though my key had no room number on it.
What happened next we'll never know for sure. What we do know is that my friends found me half naked, face down, on the floor. They woke up and I checked my phone and noticed my wallpaper was different. Someone had changed it to a picture of fresh semen on the curtain in our room. Drunkenly, I quickly deleted the photo so my friends didn't see. Upon inspection the next morning we confirmed that it was indeed a semen stain on the curtain in our room.
What I'm not really sure about is the process as to how it ended up on the curtain. I'm not sure if I jacked off myself onto the curtain, if this Dominican man helped me, or I helped him, etc. All I know is someone went through a lot of trouble making that picture my wallpaper.
So Reddit, tifu by getting drunk and potentially jacking off with a stranger.
Amateur_Gyno: Does your anal hurt?? That is really my only question and the biggest question you should be answering
coool12121212: anus*
Amateur_Gyno: anus anal, tomato tomato
shakaspeare: I do not recommend putting tomato in your anal.
[deleted]: the italians do it though.
shakaspeare: Odd, Nonna never taught me *that*.
| 7 | 8.285714 | |
1404677217 | 1404717062 | t3_29znq3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | PineappleAssGrenade: TIFU By ordering bondage gear off of Amazon. Probably [NSFW]
Today I was feeling extra adventurous, and decided that it was time to supplement my collection of BDSM gear. I usually just go into shops, and buy them there just so I can look people in the eye while I'm buying it, but today I decided to try something more cost effective.
I got my iPad and started browsing various kink stuff on Amazon, and finally decided upon a dental gag that sounded lovely. I put the item on the shopping list, and after a bit more browsing, got some bondage tape, went to the checkout.
Upon checkout I had realized that the account was in my mother's name. About a year ago my mom had relieved another iPad, as a gift and decided to give me her old one. I have not used amazon in the last year, and apparently she never logged out. So instead of deleting the items from the shopping cart, and then logging out, I freaked out and immediately logged out. I have no idea what her info is, and I have no way of going to another computer with her logged in and deleting it as I have not lived with my parents for the last six years. So, I assume that the next time my mom logs in, she will see in her shopping cart, the dental gag and bondage tape that I was going to purchase. I'm hoping that is not the case as I never use Amazon and have no idea how it works.
SpasticFish: Sorry to say, if your logged in and add to the basket it's saved there....
AttackTribble: Wouldn't it use cookies to record the items? If so, it's stored on the machine he used, not on the Amazon account, so he's safe.
enclaved: nope
AttackTribble: That would be a very resource-hungry way of doing it.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1404676808 | 1404686661 | t3_29zn4w | t5_2to41 | 23 | beerchocolatewaffles: TIFU by falling for a married pole-dancing model.
This didn't happen today but a few years earlier. A few years ago I was on a holiday in Turkey with my parents, sisters and a bunch of my parents’ friends. It was a nice all-in resort and the first few days were fun, but I quickly became bored of lying by the poolside all day with my parents and decided to go to the beach ( it was a very large resort with plenty of pools and had access to the Mediterranean sea). I strolled along the beach not really knowing what to do from then on, maybe I’ll take a swim, hey maybe this salty water’s different..
But that’s when I spot this gorgeous girl in the distance. Now I have to say I’m no lady-killer, kinda introverted and my appearance is about average but fuck me if I’m gonna be bored to hell for these 8 remaining days! My gameplan (ha) was to make her notice me at first, so I slided a beach-chair a few meters in front of hers to lie on (looking back it probably looked obvious as hell) and went in the ocean a few times ( cold water contracts your muscles a bit haha). She did also, but we never went in together, it was like a show-off contest of some sort. I took the opportunity to check her out when she passed me, she was tall, had long brown hair, had the body of a model, nice breasts and this cute pony-tail she put through the hole in the back of her hat (cap?). I later learned that she actually was a model and to boot did pole-dancing as a hobby! After about half an hour I finally manned-up and turned around. I said ( in English, she probably wasn’t speaking Dutch or French): ‘hi miss, would you like something to drink, I’m going to get something at the bar?’. To my enjoyment she answered she’d like a coke, so off I went on my coke-searching quest. We started to chat now the ice was broken and turned out she was on a holiday with her mother and was equally bored as me. Her parents were Russian/Ukrainian, so she spoke with this adorable Russian accent. I tried finding out if she had a boyfriend, so I asked if there was someone waiting for her at home, she said no and asked me the same thing. When I said no she was surprised because I was ‘very handsome’ ( what the hell is going on confidence boost choo choo).
We decided to hang out in the evening and chatted for hours, drinking some wine at one of the resorts bars. She was incredibly intelligent, what chances are there meeting an intelligent model-like girl and connecting to her? Conversation got flirtier by the minute, me saying stuff in Russian out of the blue must have impressed her ( I did some self-study a few years earlier, I’m kind of into learning new languages but never continued Russian apart from being able to read and write Cyrillic and say a few things). She was playing with her hair, staring into my eyes and that’s when I proposed to go to the beach at night time. We went in the water, it was nice and warm and we just didn’t speak for a minute or so, just wading through the water. She suddenly asked me what I was thinking of and without hesitating I said I was thinking about kissing her. Me too she said. So I got closer, closed my eyes and went in for the kiss. You know that stomach feeling, yeah that one. We sat on a beach-chair just by the water , under the moonlight, holding each other. We said good-bye because she had to go back to her mother in her hotel room, but we made plans to meet-up for a jog (a jog in 40 degree weather what was I thinking!!) the morning after. I was feeling really happy as you can imagine. We spent the day together in the pools, and sexual tension was rising as time went by. Then comes the moment I propose to go to the sauna-complex, not really expecting anything but having a nice sauna in her company. We get into one, get out after 1 minute because omfgitwastoohotinthere. I spot another sauna next to it and we go in, only to find out it wasn’t working and was completely dark, with the glass doors being tinted and all. We both realize nobody knows we’re in there and start making out, I pushed her down on the sitting bench, slid aside her bikini bottoms (ha spongebob… nobody? Okay moving on) and went down on her till she climaxed. She was very eager to return the favour and dropped my swimming trunks, blowed me and let me finish in her mouth (no mess I guess). The day after, the second I saw her I blurted out, wanna go to my room? A quick and simple yes in that cute accent and we were off. We had a great time although she seemed to have wanted to rush it, I didn’t completely understand why at the time.
Then came the moment she had to return home.. I was devastated, actually crying, she was too. Luckily I wrote my contact information on a piece of paper ( sprayed some perfume on it as well as a little surprise) and to my relief she had made one as well! The months after we continued to have long conversations through skype and the occasional cyber sex and even made plans to meet up for spring break ( not so easy since she lived 5000 km away from me) until suddenly I completely stopped getting any news from her. After a month I was completely hart-broken and worried to death at the same time. Then came this one text from her, stating she has had a severe crippling accident and wanting to start a completely new life. This smelled fishy as hell so I started to investigate a little bit. Turns out she was engaged. Even at the time we hooked up! That’s why she was nervous sometimes when I hugged or kissed her, she didn’t want her mother to find out I guess.. Her fiancé noticed I was visiting her VK-profile a lot and even sent me a message asking 'who the fuck I was' and 'I'll fucking find you and kill you!'. Here he didn't even know about the hookup yet so I was pretty nervous now, expecting a guy armed with kalashnikov at my doorstep.
I genuinely believe she was as in love with me as I was with her, but at some point she had to make a choice. Either she chooses to be with some guy living in Europe with whom she had an incredible connection and face judgment of her entire family. Or she chooses her fiancé back home and tries to break me the news gently, making up a story to lessen the heartache. She listened to her brain instead of her heart I guess, I can’t really blame her, It’s the logical choice to make. I never heard from her again since then, she’s married and has a child now.
TL:DR met a gorgeous Russian girl with whom I connected greatly, turned out to be engaged and her husband threatened me.
TripleT453: I'm a firm believer that it's better to have loved and lost than never truly loved. Sounds like she helped your confidence a ton and you found out how great a real connection can be. Some people will go through life never experiencing something like you did. I don't think you fucked up at all. Also, thats one of the coolest stories I've ever read, so you have that going for you too.
newera14: Yeah, I agree totally. It was an experience, you shared time, you were in love with each other for a while. You'll have the memories and a great story. You fucked up nothing. You lived life man. Good for you.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1404678522 | 1404749019 | t3_29zplm | t5_2to41 | 344 | hashbrownsnbacon: TIFU by maxing out my bf's 6GB data plan
TIFU by maxing out my bf's 6GB data plan within the first few days of his new billing cycle. He was over at my place and turned on tethering since my internet was too slow. My laptop decided to hop on his faster network rather than use the one it was supposed to, all without telling me. I spent the next while happily "obtaining" both seasons of Orphan Black - all 9GB of it. I didn't realize that the download was going way too quickly for my internet. My bf stopped tethering eventually, checked his internet usage, and practically had a heart attack from the 9GB used from tethering. Oops. Time for him to live in the dark ages.
**Edit** I offered to pay for his overcharge, but he talked to his cell phone service provider and they waived it. Disaster avoided!
I_AM_A_PET_MONKEY: You should pay him back for that. Seriously....
hashbrownsnbacon: I offered to. He talked to his cell phone service provider and they waived it though.
Jonaldson: Which provider? Sounds like someone to do business with.
BananaPowerFlame: I live in Italy and my provider simply cut down download speed when i max out the limit, without any extra cost
Jonaldson: My provider in America does that too, but only because I'm "grandfathered" in. They don't treat their new customers that way.
_OP_is_A_: I have unlimited data with no throttling. Tmobile ftw
Odale: I have unlimited on tmobile as well and am constantly using data to stream spotify and netflix since my college's wifi is so shitty. I've heard people say that it throttles down after you use 5gb of data but I usually use around 10-15gb by the end of the month and never get messages saying my speeds have been slowed down or anything like that. Everything works at the same speed regardless of how much I have used.
bytetheft: Music services don't count towards your data limit anymore anyway on T-Mobile.
Odale: Really? I didn't know that. That's pretty awesome
| 10 | 34.4 | |
1404680279 | 1404684111 | t3_29zs4v | t5_2to41 | 9 | TschussSchlampe: TIFU multiple times.
I wake up, eat breakfast, pretty much a normal day. Then I randomly run into a door, which gives me a lovely bump right in the middle of my forehead and a decent headache. I'm normally not a very clumsy person, but today, for whatever reason, my body decided to spaz out at every chance it got. Anyway, I'm driving to my morning swim practice still wincing at the bump on my head. I get to practice, do the normal workout, and when we take a break to practice flip turns I completely fuck up, turn too close to the wall and slam my ankles onto the pool deck instead of into the water. Yay. For the rest of the day, every time I step I cringe and I'm doing a halfway limp to try and minimize the pain. Later that day, I'm rushing to get to work, running a little late so I call my boss and she says it's no biggie. When I arrive, I get to the parking lot, open the door of my truck, and drop both my keys and my schedule on the ground. I'm a little flustered because I'm already late and I really do not have time for this shit. I jump out and pick up my keys, but the schedule blows under my truck, so I bend over to try and find it. Now, the pants I'm wearing are a kinda casual pair of business-y capri/pants that are a little bit snug, which I like because they make my butt look nice. As I bend over, the pants rip. They must have a little too snug. Not just a little tear or hole either, they fucking rip on the seam that is pretty much a line down my butt all the way from the top of the pants to my crotch area. Fuck. Also, I'm wearing a thong so I'm flashing my ass to everyone behind me. Also, I'm on my period, so my lovely feminine products are there for the world to see. Great. The only upside was that my boss laughed so hard at my bruised forehead, semi-limp, and torn pants that she completely forgot about the fact that I was 30 minutes late.
GhostTurdz: You may need a drink!
WPBDoc: Sounds like she may have already had a few...
| 3 | 3 | |
1404681352 | 1404751993 | t3_29ztp4 | t5_2to41 | 113 | ChrisBabyYea: TIFU by being alone in a gym.
I work out at a hospital gym. It usually caters to old people and people in physical therapy, so the weight area is usually fairly empty. I'm a big introvert so I love it. Plus, it's only five minutes from my house.
I was in there today (Sunday). It's only open from 1-5, and I live in the South where everyone goes to church on Sunday. So, I was all alone except for a little old lady on a treadmill and a med student working the front desk. The weight area equipment has safety stops on all the machines. The Bench press has a second rack on it halfway up so if you cant get it to the top rack you can drop it on the halfway. The squat rack has bars you can move as well. If you go too low you can just drop the weight and roll out from under it.
I wasn't very scared I was going to need any of this since I'm usually pretty careful with my weights. But not today. It's my last exercise and I'm on the bench press. I am felling pretty good so I add 5lbs bringing it up to 200lbs. Alright, lets lift this. Set up, breath, lift....and down, and up, and down, and up. I do 5 reps. I feel good, and I decide to go for a 6th....and down, everything is tight,....and up!.....and UP.....And UP!. It's not going up...OH NO. I am fucked. There is NO ONE in this place that can lift this off me. A scenario runs through my head of fire fighters and local news coverage. There is a wall of mirrors between me and the only other people in the gym so they can't see me. Okay, think!. I can't lift it. Its resting on my chest and too low. I am not rolling this off my head. I consider rolling it onto my thighs and then using them to lift it to the ground. I then decide I could probably reach the weights. My arms are fairly long. I can! I push 30lbs off the bar and press this death trap off me and onto the rack. Look around. Still alone. No one saw. Time to go home.
TL;DR I was almost in 127 Hours 2: The Gym.
MizterUltimaman: Fellow gym bro here; there's other methods to safely bench without a spotter.
> I consider rolling it onto my thighs and then using them to lift it to the ground.
[This is a method](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Roll+of+shame)
[This is also a method, if you don't have the clips/collars on](https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8227/8488793561_3c0c6b1b2e.jpg)
> last exercise
> i can only assume last set
> 5 reps in
> 200lbs
You could DEFINITELY afford to bump up to 225 and just cut reps. Sure you may not be in the right rep range, but socially to bench 2pl8 for reps...
ChrisBabyYea: > just cut reps. Sure you may not be in the right rep range, but socially to bench 2pl8 for reps...
I have no clue what this means.
And as far as the "Second method".. I feel like an idiot for not thinking of that.
drunkenbuffoon: I had to google it and still had a hard time figuring out what "2pl8" meant. Apparently, it's "two plate"... Meaning, I think, two 45lb'ers on each side. Anyway, it's pretty much a respect thing in the weightlifting world. Someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong
ChrisBabyYea: I see. Yea, I'm not at that level yet.
MizterUltimaman: > I add 5lbs bringing it up to 200lbs
So you're usually repping 195, what's your set+rep scheme with 195?
ChrisBabyYea: 4 sets. 5 reps.
MizterUltimaman: MAYBE you could do 1-rep sets and up the sets until you can do 2-rep sets, and up the sets until 3 rep sets, etc. I know that's how I manage heavy weight.
| 8 | 14.125 | |
1404674840 | 1404737806 | t3_29zka6 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU- by slapping a special needs man in the back of the head
So a bit of back story me and my friend at work (retail supermarket) are so bored at work that we have challenged each other to cause the most pain to each other as posable.
Today i was stacking boxes and he swiped my legs away going ass over head the whole store looked at me, I took the humiliation but know i had to get my vengeance.
2 hours later i see my friend walk an isle and think this is my chance i pick up a baking tray of of the shelf and go to hit him with it swing and it was not him... he was bending looking at the shelf and he looked exactly like my friend what am i to do. Then my manager comes around the corner and see the special needs man laying on the floor and me with a look of shock on my face, he ask the man what happened and luckily for me he can actual express what happened so my manger asked me, all i said is that he tripped, a first aider come looks him over and we all walk away.
I feel horrible dam... thank god the CCTV is under maintenance at the moment
TL;DR-in a battle with a friend hit a special needs man in the head with a baking tray.
sorry for bad spelling I'm dyslexic.
EDIT: went into work today and my manager called me into his office. at this point i was ready to hand my uniform in but no it gets better go got a £20 gift card for helping the guy.
MrAlarming: This reminds me of the TIFU were a guy kicked a kid with down syndrome in the face
majxscopezz: can I have a link?
MAC97: [here] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/22p6sh/tifu_by_kicking_a_kid_with_down_syndrome_in_the/)
MrAlarming: Thats the one.
majxscopezz: thanks
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1404680399 | 1404691069 | t3_29zsb6 | t5_2to41 | 16 | crazylighter: TIFU: By trying to make a "simple" supper so I can get out the door in time
TIFU... I went to make a simple supper of pancakes, OJ, scrambled eggs and grapes for supper at 5, thinking I had plenty of time to eat it and get out the door by 5:30. What could possibly go wrong?
First, I needed a recipe to make the pancakes on a student budget. I picked one off the internet, trying to memorize the ingredients and searched for them. "Let's see was it 2 tbsp of baking soda or 2 tsp? Let's just throw some in, I have salted butter that's probably close to non-salted butter, I don't have a cup of milk, 1/2 cup it is...."
Then I pour the mix into the pan, and they expanded and didn't flip well, becoming a congeled mess. That's okay, I'll still eat it... until I tried taking a bite and surprise suprise it doesn't taste that great.
So I get some syrup but the lid was stuck and I took a knife to it, cutting myself in the process. Which resulted in me forgetting that I put eggs on the pan after the pancakes.... burning them.
To top it off, I ran late when I tried making a sandwich and attempted to clean up the mess. And of course, the grapes were moldy and I didn't realize it till I tried eating them.
I'm now late for my function and am still kinda hungry.
iandw: Wow.. you decided making something from scratch would save time how? I'm sure there's a LPT somewhere about ramen...
crazylighter: I wasn't thinking straight and ironically didn't even have ramen left. I had a bit of flour, some eggs, a bit of milk and sugar and some cereal. I just gone through a hurricane, and there wasn't anything in the stores really either.
It was desperation at its finest.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1404681910 | 1404684514 | t3_29zugw | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing off a disabled veteran (I think)
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Razorhoof78: You can also tell a disabled veteran plate by the letters DV either St the beginning or end of the plate #. Sometimes it won't have the microscopic lettering underneath, just this. Not surprised the guy acted like that. Texas being Texas - a shitty place full of shitty people.
Colonel_Rhombus: Nah, man. Texas has a lot of people, and therefore it has a lot of shitty people and lots of good people.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404679585 | 1404775871 | t3_29zr3l | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by being ultra beta when it comes to girls.
This actually happened a couple years ago during school on three separate occasions.
During my sophomore year, I liked this one cute Asian girl in my math class. Never having a girlfriend before, I had no idea what I was doing. One day during class, I just walked up to her and asked if she would like to go out sometime. To my surprise, she said yes. I said that we should set up a date sometime, and left it at that. Being as beta as fuck, I never actually followed up with her to set up a date. She ended up getting a boyfriend (taller, fitter, and admittedly, more attractive than I am) and she moved to a different state at the end of the school year.
During my junior year, I met another girl who was into art, like painting and drawing. Halfway through the year, Important note, that year, I was diagnosed with a movement disorder. When I asked her out, again, to my surprise, she said yes, and we agreed to go to a coffee shop. When we get there, she discovers my illness, and the entire rest of the date was awkward as fuck as a result. After the date, I'm too embarrassed by it and so I never get around to scheduling a second date. I don't think she would have been interested anyway.
My last story, I asked another girl if she wanted to hang out sometime during senior year (not really a date). She agreed, and invited me out to hang out with her friends one night, three other guys and another girl. We went to a bar (where I didn't drink), but one of the guys was already drunk before we got there. The club was dark with loud, thumping music, and lights flashing everywhere. Did I mention it was a Tuesday night? So hardly anyone was there, except for our group and a couple others. Her one drunk friend was sucking a cherry lollipop, pointing to the ceiling with both hands, and just looking at us with dead eyes as we sat at the bar. I noticed that this girl was dressed up in a black dress, and her friends dressed semi-formally, and her friends at the bar huddled together, but she sat aside with me so I wouldn't feel left out. For a half hour, the two of us sat there in an awkward silence, neither of us having anything in common to talk about. Finally, I excused myself after realizing the bar scene wasn't for me. I left the bar and walked around the neighborhood in the snow for a solid half hour, wondering what the fuck I just did. A little while later, I see her and her friends leaving the bar, and the girl walking alone in the snow in her dress and heals. Aaaaaaand I didn't go talk to her.
TL;DR: I am an idiot when it comes to girls.
pamplemus: your first step would be to stop referring to yourself as beta. in fact, wipe the entire idea of an alpha/beta dichotomy out of your mind. that red pill bullshit will only serve to drive girls away.
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: This guy gets it.
pamplemus: *girl
hence how i know it drives girls away :)
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: h-hey r u a reel girl? am alpha male. wana go out on date? i might not show up. cause im alpha. b-beoytch. but only if thats okay. pls respond. u like anime? love u bby.
pamplemus: idk, how much do you earn? how tall are you? do you have a big dick? because, as a female, that is all i care about. didn't you learn anything from your PUA classes??
| 6 | 1 | |
1404683789 | 1404688521 | t3_29zx87 | t5_2to41 | 41 | deasphodel: TIFU by taking a break from moving
Today I was packing boxes to move into my new house which I'm doing at the end of the month and seeing that I have a limited surface areas, I was putting a crate on my bed and filling it with all my stuff. It's important to note that I am a student at university studying costume design and making. A lot of the stuff I own is paint, blades and needles, so this was a lot of what I was packing right now was mainly course related.
When doing this kind of work, I have a reward system, which 20 minutes doing work,have a 5 minute break. This time I decided to take a longer break because I had finished packing all the crates I had and I would need to take them to the house before I could continue.
So during this break I decided to play a video game on steam, which I would need to use a gamepad for. I leant over my bed to pick this up from the the floor, because, y'know... I'm lazy. Anyway, I never actually reached the floor. As soon as I starting leaning on my elbow I felt this dull pain shoot through it and I immediately lifted it up.
My first though that I had had a small stab from a needle, because that's what it felt like, so I looked around for the needle that had hurt me so I could take it off my bed and carry on with my break. Very quickly, however I realized the pain was not dying down so I looked down at my arm. Sure enough, there, sticking out of my elbow, was the needle.
Being smart, as I... can be... not really. I had just got a needle stuck in my arm, obviously I'm not the smart. Anyway, I phoned my mum and quickly we went to the hospital, where I sat for a long time waiting to be seen by a doctor, the pain getting gradually worse and my movement getting gradually more constricted.
I went into the room and the doctor asked me to guess how far in the needle was in my arm, which I thought was odd to say the least. I'd obviously thought it was far enough in to have to go to hospital to get it out. I have been stabbed by needles before and just pulled them out, so I guessed about quarter to half of it was in for a needle that was about 2 inches. She then sent me to have an x-ray done to check that the needle was not shattered or bent and she would be able to just pull it out.
The x-ray showed that I was wrong. The needle was not 2 inches long, it was 4 inches. 3 quarters of the needle had entered my elbow, luckily it had hit cartilage and not any bones and also not bent or shattered. My 4 hour journey ended with a doctor pulling a 4 inch needle out of my elbow. In less than a second it was over.
tl;dr I was trying to take a 20 minute break, it ended up being a 5 hour round trip to the hospital
atsmit: Moral of the story: Don't go to university.
mmmpapilikes: Am semi-broke college student, can confirm.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1404684835 | 1404733181 | t3_29zyra | t5_2to41 | 2,881 | CenturiesChild: TIFU by getting my own semen all over my fathers hands
This was a few months ago, but it's one of the most horrendous things to ever happen to me. It's just a really fucking strange series of events, and it makes me feel quite sick.
I was lying on my bed reading, and I was ill with some mysterious stomach bug that just made me sweat and vomit all day. Half way through reading, I got real turned on out of nowhere. I don't know what the fuck was arousing to me about To Kill a Mockingbird but after reading for half an hour I was unbelivably erect. In fact, I was *throbbing*.
Despite feeling sick, I decided to jack off. Because of the nightmarish momentum of my erection, I had to jack off that very second. I quickly opened up some porn on my laptop and as I was about to climax I noticed that I had nothing to release my load into, so in the horrible sticky heat of the moment I reached for my socks which were on the floor beside the bed and blew my load all over them. They were soaking wet, and for some reason I was actually glad it was over. I was exhausted, and I just basically passed out on my bed with a mixture of sexual relief and tiredness from my mysterious disease that nobody would tell me the name of.
I woke up a few hours later when my dad came into my room asking me what I wanted for dinner and if there was anything in my room that needed put in the washing machine. He saw my jeans and socks on the floor and walked over to pick them up, and this is where it turns into a fucking hideous *nightmare*.
He picks the clump of jizz-stained socks up as I stare at him in bewilderment, remembering that they were covered in my own semen. He said 'do these need washed'? and then he kind of fucking squeezed them, and the jizz flew all over his fingers and onto his hands and I just sat there fighting off a severe panic attack trying not to cry. Then he said 'how come they're damp'? and then sniffed his fingers that were covered in his sons semen. The look on his face upon realising what it was is one of the most horrendous faces that has ever been pulled in the history of mankind. He just said 'oh' and threw them in the washing basket and walking out of my bedroom without saying a single word.
I just climbed back into my bed and hid under the covers for what felt like weeks.
TLDR: **I got unbelievably aroused reading To Kill a Mockingbird, and so I went to jack off. No tissue so I used my socks. I went to sleep for an hour. Dad walks into bedroom few hours later and picks up my socks, in the process getting his hands absolutely covered in my semen**
**
Edit: Wow, my first gold! Thanks mysterious kind stranger!**
SPacific: I'm the dad of a teen. It's ok. At least you used dirty socks. I had to tell my son to stop cumming on the wall.
Edit: Why do all my most up-voted comments have to do with masturbation or semen?
Kreystas: Is your son's name Andrew?
IRON-BALLS_MCGINTY: Fucking Andrew
Dropboy6: That red faced fuck.
4ndrewx2: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE?!
Dropboy6: Because you have a podcast.
the_rabid_dwarf: RIP internet box 2011-2014
Dropboy6: Possibly three more episodes though.
the_rabid_dwarf: Really? Did that come up on the panel? I wasn't able to watch it due to a lack of internet
Dropboy6: It was on their twitter, Mike said they needed three more to qualify for the podcast awards.
| 11 | 261.909091 | |
1404687694 | 1404690502 | t3_2a030z | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU cycling after having a taco night
kinda_alone: Hi,
Your submission has been removed. It would be more appropriate for I Shat Myself Saturday. Please repost then.
Teotwawki69: TIL that "I Shat Myself Saturday" is a thing...
| 3 | 2 | |
1404687364 | 1404758255 | t3_2a02ii | t5_2to41 | 20 | keiblerclown: TIFU by sending my phone to a watery death and losing two hours of pay at work
This was actually last week, and was a sequence of events that lead to one really bad night.
Last Wednesday, I was over at my buddy's place to swim laps in his pool. Trying to get in shape and whatnot. I always keep my phone within earshot, so I put the phone in the pocket of my swim trunks to take outside to the poolside table. Got outside, helped my buddy out by clearing out all his son's water toys, and jumped in to start swimming my laps.
Roughly 20 minutes go by, and I decide to get out and check my phone...only to realize I had never taken it out of my pocket. 20 minutes of complete submersion = ruined phone. I was upset, mostly because I knew that I'd lose my old unlimited data plan if I used my free phone upgrade, but I couldn't afford to straight up buy a new phone.
I decide to go ahead and get out of the pool and shower so I can leave for work. Fast forward about an hour and a half, and I arrive at my job site. I work overnight security, and I'm the only person on site. The key to my office door is in a small coded lock-box on the wall a few feet from the door. I input the code, popped the lock-box open, and no key. I instantly realize that I must have taken the key home with me the previous morning, and having just destroyed my phone, I can't call my wife and ask her to bring it to me.
Knowing that I can't do my job at all without being able to get into my office, I make the two hour round trip to go retrieve the key, losing two hours of my night's pay for my troubles.
TL;DR - Took my phone for a swim and forgot my office keys at home, forcing a two hour round trip and loss of two hours pay.
MrMackie: Did you try putting the phone in a bag of rice to dry it out? That worked with my nephew's phone.
IAmThatGuy_3: It was submerged for 20 minutes and probably left wet on the in
Sides for a couple hours. It's a little late for the dried rice trick
keiblerclown: Yea, there was water rolling around underneath the touchscreen when I finally pulled it out my pocket. I did pull the cover off and take the battery out, but even then I knew it was just wishful thinking. Circuits were fried...well, drowned.
| 4 | 5 | |
1404693402 | 1404701634 | t3_2a0b2g | t5_2to41 | 6 | moezib: TIFU by damaging my neighbor's property.
So for the summer I've been working at a country club as a caddie. I never liked golf before but I've gotten more and more into it every time I finish caddying an 18 hole. Today we were cleaning out the attic and found my uncle's old golf bag along with clubs, balls and tees. I was excited and thought it would be a good idea to tee off right on my front lawn. I put the tee in, placed the ball and set myself. I brought the driver back and swung. Surprisingly I made contact with the ball and was ecstatic. Now, on my block, there aren't houses across the street, just the back of a Value City Furniture, so it was fine if I hit it. Anyway after I made contact with the ball, I was in awe. I watched it fly until a gust of wind came from nowhere and blew the ball to my neighbor's property. The ball went straight to their car's rear windshield and completely shattered it. After the shock set in, I told my neighbor and we settled it. Now I'm going to lose most of the money I made caddying.
TL;DR I drove a ball from my yard and it hit what my neighbors drive.
I_kill_humour: Go fess up. You might get lucky. My insurance covers deductible-free window replacement once per six months.
moezib: To who? I already told my neighbors.
I_kill_humour: Oops. Read fast and missed that line.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1404694813 | 1404704661 | t3_2a0d0h | t5_2to41 | 7 | unborncentaur: TIFU my losing my GFs longboard.
I have borrowed my girlfriends longboard many times and its nothing out of the ordinary. But last night something happened. I rode the board to a friends house for a bbq and adequate drinking. Once I got there I placed the board under a table and left it there for the night. Throughout the evening I downed many a brew and ended up passing out in the same friends tent. Then this morning I wake up to no board under the table. I went to every place I was last night and had no success in finding it and am beginning to think i'm fucked... It was also a limited edition Bob Marley longboard that meant the world to her.
sonia72quebec: Maybe somebody stoled it ? Anyway, your still fucked. :(
SadFaceBot: :\ don't be sad!
sonia72quebec: I'm sad for you. It's a lot of money...
unborncentaur: Yeah it is. And I don't think someone stole it only because everyone that was there was still passed out when I woke up this morning
sonia72quebec: My last hypothesis is that she came to your friend space (while your were passed out) saw her board and took it back home.
unborncentaur: I know for a fact that she never came to the residence (I passed out earlier than most).
| 7 | 1 | |
1404695860 | 1404762441 | t3_2a0ehu | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending the guy im interested in the weird porn I was watching
While talking to my guy friend, who I am indeed interested in, I started browsing 4chan. We usually send eachother links to random stuff and make witty comments and share stories to pass time. We tend to avoid sending eachother nsfw stuff because we're both pretty clumsy and timid teenagers, I mean the first time we called eachother we were like two stiff and nervous red tomatoes tripping over our tomato tongues.
Now, the guy was taking a while to respond to my messages so I thought 'Meh, lets go browse some /hm/ and strum the strings of the love bass while the guy's busy'. I didnt really give it a second thought, shit is normal. Everyone does it.
While browsing I found this thread of guys jerking it infront of their straight friends, curious and ready to start the concert I opened up one of the videos in a new tab. Just two guys sitting infront of their cam masterbating for a girl on omegle. Alrighty. Got bored with it, aint really my thing and closed the tab.
Opened up skype and noticed the guy had sent me a couple links, I chuckled a bit because one of the links reminded me about that stupid broken arms bit thats always being referenced here. I decided I'd share the broken arm fun with the guy, maybe make em cringe a bit, maybe not. Everyone is into their own thing, ya'know. So I pasted the url into the chat bar and sent it within a second, didnt even pay attention to it.
Closed skype.
Then I fucking realized.
I didnt even copy the url for the arms post. I just sent the thing at the top of my clipboard.
I sent the guy the guys jacking off on omegle.
My blood went hella fucking cold, felt like a lifeless corpse. I wanted to **be** a lifeless corpse.
And you know what's more stupid? I didnt even remove the message till after I sent an 'lols'. My mind was too dead with embarrassment to think straight.
I removed it but he still, probably seen the URL. Joeys dick 69. Wonderful.
He hasnt replied to me in the last couple hours.
Joey's a fucking cockblock.
TehFacebum69: For future reference OP, middle mouse click will open a link in a new tab.
CodyJuneSkyline: You just changed my life forever.
TehFacebum69: You can also middle mouse click anywhere on a tab to close it.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1404696428 | 1404796693 | t3_2a0fad | t5_2to41 | 453 | gviscuit: TIFU by masturbating in the wrong bathroom
This summer I'm living with a guy who is a good friend, his brother and a girl who goes to our college but we didn't know that well when we moved in together. We've been living together for about a month now and the girl turned out to be a little high strung and bitchy, but nothing we can't handle.
This morning she said she was going to the beach today but that something was broken in her bathroom and a man was coming in to fix it. Didn't give it another thought and went back to bed to sleep for another few hours.
I woke with a a fully engorged penis that needed to have its load blown. The brother was asleep a few feet from me so I couldn't do it then and there so I groggily humped the mattress to get warmed up before going to our bathroom. Of course, my friend was in there showering.
Then I remembered the girl had left for the beach. Thankful for the convenient timing I went into her bathroom, sat down on the toilet seat, pounded furiously and grabbed a fistful of her toilet paper just in time to catch the lion's share of my semen. It was as close to a victim-less crime as you could get.
Then I made the fateful decision to lift the toilet lid where I thought I would flush away the evidence. Instead I was faced with a sight that will stay in my mind forever.
Basically, it looked like this:
http://i.imgur.com/zH3r1f4.jpg
Except instead of different layers of rock it was different layers of shit. There were thick logs of dark black shit at the bottom, grainy golden shit in the middle and a fringe of greenish diarrhea at the top and floating in the center. You could literally see every shit this girl had taken for the past few days. Her toilet had stopped working but she didn't care. She just kept taking shit on top of shit on top of shit until the shit mountain was centimeters from the bottom of the lid. There wasn't any smell at the time due to a very powerful bathroom fan.
I threw my wad of TP onto the shit pile and closed the lid. My friend was done showering then so I called him over to have a look. He was awed but upset at how I had disposed of the tp.
"You fucking idiot!" he shouted. "Now she's going to know we saw it."
"Fine. I'll fix it. She probably just didn't know we had a plunger."
I thrust the stout plunger deep into shit mountain. Nothing happened but I couldn't pull the plunger back out because it was covered in shit. Clearly I just needed to flush it to get a little bit of water in the bowl. The toilet gave a throaty gurgle and an ominous black fluid filled the bowl until it was less than an inch from the rim.
"Oh god you're a retard! Why the fuck did you flush it?"
"You do it then!"
"Fine!" He angrily grabbed the plunger. then like a knight driving a lance into the belly of a dragon, thrust the plunger deep into the toilet's bowels. In response, a wave of shit water and several semil-liquid chunks of feces erupted from the toilet getting all over the floor, myself and my friend and releasing a horrible gag-inducing smell.
My friend vomited on the floor and me, wiped himself off with toilet paper and fled the scene to take another shower. I made a token effort to clean up the largest shit-chunks on the floor, but it was really a hopeless situation without a mop or a fuck-ton of paper towels of which we had neither. The semi-liquid state of the shit made it pretty hard to get at.
My friend demanded that I clean it up for starting the situation, but I said he should help too for fucking things up with his idiotic plunge. In the end we decided to just tell her a man had come to fix the toilet today and let shit happen. My buddy isn't willing to take any of the shit for this, so I'm not going to either. We're going to dinner now and no toilet-fixer has come but she hasn't gotten back either. Mea culpa.
update:
I kinda fucked things up but not really. All the men of the house decided on a long walk on the beach after dinner b/c we really didn't want to be there when she came back. We didn't come back until safely late. There didn't seem to be a shit-smell covering the entire house so we went to bed. My friend and I ended up walking w her to work this morning (we're all doing summer research at the same program) and in the middle of our small talk I asked her if anyone had stopped by to fix the bathroom. Not at all what we had agreed to say, but fuck it all. She said "No, I don't think so" without missing a beat. I had to admire her composure. I'm not sure if she knows what happened and knows that we know what she did and just doesn't want us to know that she knows that we know what she did or what. Seems girls generally take the path of minimal awkwardness in such situations. I'm at work now and haven't seen the bathroom since the incident. Now I kind of want to go back in and add my own shit to the mountain and see if that finally causes her to call us out.
squarebacksteve: As a plumber, welcome to my world. I have seen clogged toilets continue to be used for over a week by a whole family. Go to home depot and buy your friend a $20 auger because a plunger just isn't going to cut it at this point.
gviscuit: Thanks. I suppose the best route would be to buy the auger and do it while she's gone and tell her the repair guy did it. Initially we were all waaaaaaaaaay too cheap to even consider this, but the awkwardness has built to the point that we might do it. I guess you can't return the auger after its been used?
squarebacksteve: A cheap auger is $10 at home depot. Youtube a video for technique and if you can't fix it... may God have mercy on your soul. Is this an apartment? If so maintenance will prob do it for free. Heck, if you're in SoCal, I might come do it for free.
Baldazar666: Why would you do something like this for free?
squarebacksteve: Because sometimes being helpful is it's own reward.
Baldazar666: But still... Something like this?
| 7 | 64.714286 | |
1404695373 | 1404737955 | t3_2a0dtb | t5_2to41 | 6 | DeeFeDee: TIFU by leaving Reddit open on something NSFW
I let my dad use my IPad while (kind of NSFW) [this] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/29p8bu/tifu_by_not_pissing_before_ultrasound/) was open. He was using the safari so I know for sure he saw it. I'm expecting him to ask me why I was reading about someone's ultrasound experience... welp.
Teotwawki69: At least you didn't have /r/spacedicks open...
throwawayghia: Damn it! I clicked. That is not safe for life! I can't unsee that! Damn you!
| 3 | 2 | |
1404703866 | 1404754067 | t3_2a0jwo | t5_2to41 | 5 | sellyberry: You may have puked more and just don't remember, I wouldn't be surprised if they gave you charcoal and stuff at the hospital to help you recover.
Thinc_Ng_Kap: I guess you're forgetting about those superpowers young adults possess in having the ability not to get hungover.
sellyberry: Oh yeah, I'm old now :(
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404700314 | 1404755763 | t3_2a0kpx | t5_2to41 | 40 | spayandneuterem: tifu by wet dreaming on my cat
throwaway account guys, I'm not proud
so I've been feeling kinda lonely the last couple of months, my girl of 4 years left me in february and i just haven't been the same since.
so last night when i went to sleep, i began have a seriously horny dream. it was me and this sexy piece of somethin i work with, goin at it in my house. when i started coming out of the dream and back into reality i found myself with my leg pinned over my cat. and well.... it was a sticky situation to say the least.
my cat now refuses to make eye contact with me
roxys4effy: Ive thrown up on my cat. And then drunkenly tries to bathe it. And I didn't understand why it was so pissed at me...
idunnoshutup: Yay! I'm not the only person who has thrown up on a cat...though I was sick instead of drunk but still!
roxys4effy: Haha my friend threw up on his cat when we were on HS and we were IMing each other. So when I did the deed I thought his idea to give it a bath was a great. Ohh I thought wrong.
| 4 | 10 | |
1404700163 | 1405046375 | t3_2a0kig | t5_2to41 | 8 | stickyshoyu: TIFU by trying to give my boyfriend kisses.
It happend 20min ago.
Well he was super excited over the all stars voting on the MLB website, being a huge Rizzo fan he put in a ton of votes and I helped him. Soon it was cuddle time and he started to get frisky(mind you, it's been a couple of weeks since the last nookie time) so we were horse playing a little bit and I would give him pecks on the lips. I got on top and I would kiss him and he would make a fart noise and I just kept doing it because I'm childish and thought it was funny. On that last kiss he thought it would be an awesome idea and try to bite my nose, but instead we clashed teeth and I chipped one of his front teeth. He got so depressed, and I felt horrible because he just got that tooth fixed again this year. Now it's going to be another 12 days AT LEAST before I get nookie again.
WHY?! Just why!!
Edit: Yes, I will help pay to get it fixed.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: He got depressed? This doesn't sound like a normal reaction to breaking a tooth.
Also, what kind of relationship are you in that sex can't just randomly happen whenever?
stickyshoyu: Sorry for a late reply.
We have been together for two years, known each other for 6. Some things haven't been going right in the our finance department. He had gotten kicked out of his dad's house a few months after he finished school, so my mom said to come live with us. So living in my parent's house isn't the best place to try to get romantic. Both of us are struggling to save enough to move out. It's just a lot of things stacked up and I guess that just added to the list of crappy days.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Actually, that makes perfect sense. I've been there, where it just seems like *nothing* goes right.
stickyshoyu: Exactly. Things will get better next year for sure. My last car payment is in Sept. so I have a plan to keep "paying" into my savings. I stay positive, good things will happen.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1404701876 | 1404757153 | t3_2a0m3i | t5_2to41 | 178 | edit-smile: LET'S HOPE HE NEVER CLICKED ON THE THUMB NAILS
willystylee: It may not be all that bad. Remember, he's old. You know already that old people and technology don't mix. Its very possible he has no idea how to get to that folder in the first place. Plus, how would he know those pics were of you even if he saw them? (assuming there aren't any full body pics including your face, which i guess is very possible).
I really wouldn't sweat it too much.
edit-smile: See my edit. I did in fact have a lot of full body and face+tits pics. Also pictures of me putting things in my vagina like my fingers.
To make matters worse, I'm a perfectionist. So I end up taking 15 to 20 pictures before I find the right one that I'm going to send. I also tend to be too lazy to delete the extra "not great" photos.
willystylee: Hahaha. Sorry, its just so bad. Still though, your grandpa is old and as you stated technologically unsavvy. It could be a whole lot worse.
edit-smile: A whole lot worse than grandpa secretly seeing all of my pictures? He doesn't even know how to access his gallery or camera roll. He ONLY knows how to use Google+ cloud for photos. He was signed into my account and his. I couldn't tell he was on my account because his photos uploaded to his gmail even though he could access my photos too.
FuckinUpMyZoom: he's seen more naked women than you can imagine.
he honestly doesn't care, if he ever did see it it was probably an oh shit, thats not supposed to be there moment.
honestly I think he asked you about the cat photos cause he suspected it was logged into your cloud and didn't know how to separate it.
I think he went about it as nicely as possible, you should really just grow up a little, its called maturity. everybody has a naked body its not a big deal.
edit-smile: Yeah, you're absolutely correct, thank you. That helps me rationalize the situation and feel better about myself. It's just horrifying how many I took, but I'm sure he understands. Nothing was wrong all day. Mortified, but I'm okay now. I'm just going to enjoy my vacation.
FuckinUpMyZoom: no worries, I'm glad you didn't take my response as rude.
it definitely wasn't meant to me but did sound a bit. but really this will all be a nothing but an old memory. its really unimportant and its big of you to realize that.
| 8 | 22.25 | |
1404698908 | 1404762354 | t3_2a0iqt | t5_2to41 | 111 | whattt9: TIFU by doing pcp and mushrooms
Fuck my fucking life.
Last night me and my gf had the genius idea of buying drugs from a friend who outed himself as a dealer.
So we did some research and decided to buy 150$ worth of pcp and mushrooms. Unbeknownst to us you dont do them in combination....
I ate the first mushroom that tasted like shit, and because it wasnt doing anything i ate another, and because i didnt feel anything again i decided to split the pill with my gf.
20 mins later im sweating like a pig and feeling like dying. But since my gf was only on half a pill she decides to grab my dick and initiate sex. Being idiotic i say nothing and roll with it. I remember her trying to finger my dick and ass, then i black out.
What is to follow snowballed the situation into something that will literally haunt me for years:
I wake up in pain only to realise my girlfriends fist is still up my ass to the wrist ( ive never done anal play ever) and shes sleeping. I try to pull it out but my butt is 100% clenched. I wake her up and she pulls her fist out and when she does so i have the most horrifying orgasm in my life.
I curled up not being able to move convulsing and jizzing while holding my pillow like a retard; all of this happening as i feel the most stabbing anal pain ever. ( after looking this up apparently im not a freak). My girlfriend, who thought i was enjoying this tries to suck my dick. I let off a girlish scream and knock her off my dick forcefully.
I immediately get up, notice blood coming out of my ass, my bowels hurting like someone stabbed me and big shit smears on my bedsheets.
I ended up telling my mom so she could drive me to hospital.
Aftermath:
Anal fissures, i have to wear a medical pad for a week, my mother thinks i am a druggy and has enrolled me in rehab and told my employers that she found me in a drug binge. She refuses to believe me and told me that if i continue to lie shell kick me out. She thinks i have a problem with drugs as i lost a lot of weight lately.
Most likely will be fired, and i still cant look my mom in the eye. She told my younger sister it was because i did something bad and i was being punished for not going to church. Shit stained sheets were cleaned when i got home so i assume my dad knows too.
I severely fucked this up bad to the point of planning moving out of my parents house.
NY_Lights: >So we did some **research** and decided to buy 150$ worth of pcp and mushrooms.
Wtf was this research LOL. Sucks that Mom overreacted though. Sorry to hear that.
[deleted]: After OP's extensive research, it was a close call between the pcp and mushrooms or crack and mescaline, so he went with his gut.
NY_Lights: Lmao. Also $150 seems like a lot to spend for one night of drugs. Unless pcp is regularly expensive, he got ripped off hard.
| 4 | 27.75 | |
1404702525 | 1404759315 | t3_2a0nta | t5_2to41 | 171 | totesmagotess: TIFU by sticking a dildo up my ass..
So let me start off that I am male in his early 20s and I am straight but just like to experiment.
So I have always been kind of curious about anal play since I have read that it feels great to have your prostate stimulated it. So as I was in my girlfriends house, decided to rub one out before she got out of work and then I remember that her cousin, who lives there has some spare dildos. I though "hey why borrow of this said dildos and experiment?" and off I went and grabbed a dildo and went to off rub one out. I grabbed some lotion lather that shit up and proceeded to try to inserted into my ass. I wasn't trying to insert the whole thing maybe like the head so I was going in slow. The dildo wouldn't go in very far plus is kinda of hard putting a dildo in and whacking it at the same time. So I got a great idea, why don't I try to sit on it and that would make slide in easier. I set it down and began to sit on it and for a moment it felt great and I was on top of the world. All of the sudden I leaned to one side and I hear a snap and fell down with half a dildo in my ass. I stand up and see that the dildo broke in half so instinctively freaked out. Everything was fine though but the dildo was done and broke in half. So now I have to hope that her cousin doesn't realized that her dildo is missing and I don't get caught for that shit.
I have 2 hours till my girlfriend gets off work and will keep updated if anybody is interested.
Edit: OK so girlfriend got home about an hour I decided to hide the dildo well the broken pieces until I can dispose of it or come up with a plan. The plan with putting it by the dogs and blaming it on them sounds like a good option. Her cousin is way until Tuesday so I have a little lead time on her.
Edit2: OK so no suspicion whatsoever, her cousin doesnt get back in until around noon so I can go grab the same dildo at a sex shop or I can blame it on the. Those are my only choices at the moment, help me reddit. Will check back later to see which one seems better for you guys. Also yes I fucked up by using other peoples sex toy, that's why I posted it on here.
[deleted]: Why would you do that? Next time just buy an aneros if you want to do that right.
totesmagotess: spur of the moment type thing I guess, bad bad idea though
sickduck22: see, this is why men don't have vaginas. you can stick a dick into many things and not get much damage, but there are only a few things that can safely go into (and come out of) a vagina.
Props for using an actual dildo, though, instead of just a carrot or something.
Turd_in_the_hole:
>...there are only a few things that can safely go into (and come out of) a vagina.
Oh no, I've seen a great many things inserted into vaginas. Things you wouldn't believe.
sickduck22: really? or is this just a joke about your username?
| 6 | 28.5 | |
1404701605 | 1404706443 | t3_2a0mh9 | t5_2to41 | 19 | InadequateUsername: TIFU by lying in my first ever job interview.
I had an interview for a job at McDonalds and was incredibly nervous as I had aced the first ever interview and would really like a summer job to pay for college so I didn't want to screw things up. Before the interview I had done my due diligence by researching interview questions that were to be expected when applying for a job at McDonalds and formulating answers to them. I get to the interview and it was the same questions as before so I figured everything was going well until the interviewer asked me "You seem nervous, are you nervous?" Him calling me out completely threw me off for the rest of the interview. My interviewer asked me what I did in track and field and I told him "shot put and Javelin" so which he asked me what how I did in Javelin. I didn't want to say "I was awful at it so I quit" and was intending to say I placed second in regional championships, but instead said provincial. The man looked at me blank facilely and there was what seemed to be 10 seconds of awkward silence, before I quickly added that it was in grade 9, in a different city. My interviewer basically called me out on it saying "Oh good, because I was going to say 'I didn't see you in the paper at all'".
tl;dr Panicked about sports accomplishment when asked and lied saying I placed second at provincials (OFSSA) for javelin when I really meant to say second at regionals and nearly got called out on it.
[deleted]: TIL: There is an interview process at McDonald's.
InadequateUsername: The questions weren't all too difficult. Asides from the off the cuff sports related question the most difficult question they ask is "how do you plan on balancing post-secondary and working here?"
Although assuming I'm not called Monday, like they said they would, I can proudly say flipping burgers at McDonalds will not be in my future.
[deleted]: I'm kidding, some McDonald's actually pay really well and the stereotype attached to working there is really just a stereotype.
[deleted]: Correction, they only pay well to people who got second place in provincial championships for Javelin. Too bad he aint one of those huh
InadequateUsername: Well I could've said first and that would've seemed less believable IMO.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1404704422 | 1404706968 | t3_2a0qhj | t5_2to41 | 46 | TheOptimismOpossum: TIFU by trying to spice up my love life
Here was the plan:
I buy a super sexy lingerie outfit to wear when I visited my long-distance boyfriend when I went to visit him this week. I would excuse myself to the bathroom before bed, slip the sexywear on under my robe, and return. After a seductive, witty comment thrown in his direction, I would throw back the robe, jump him, and make all those dirty dreams come true.
What really happened:
I buy the outfit, which cost way more than I initially thought, but it was completely worth it. I hide it in my bag in order to get it into my parent's home without notice (I'm living with them for the summer). Unfortunately, I forgot the receipt in the car and my step-mother thought that my mother was the one who had bought the sexy lingerie. After an awkward confrontation that revealed that it was I and not my mother who was the "kink-master", I head off to my laddy love. He's sick. Very sick. I act a bit disappointed and he notices and asks why. I tell him that I just had a plan that won't work now and he immediately guesses exactly what my plan was. Busted. Oh well. That night he convinces me to try it on. I do, but when I walk into the room through the closed door, I trip, stumbling and running into the door. Awesome. Then, as I'm making my way over to the bed and knock over my beer from the bedside table. Onto the bed. Onto his pillow. Where his head is. Suffice to say, spicing up my love life was a complete failure.
trampabroad: You left out the most important detail. Did you have sex? If so, doesn't matter.
TheOptimismOpossum: Yeah, we did, but it was after I'd clumsily picked up the spilled beer and sat there embarrassed for a few good, long minutes. It was more the fact that I hadn't been the "confident, sexy, in-control bad ass in charge" that I'd hoped to be.
Computer_Pants: you still had sex...we may have to go to the judges on this fuck up.
This goes without saying, but I could watch a girl clumsily try and poor herself a bowl of CT crunch with her feet and still be turned on, if she is wearing lingerie.
TheOptimismOpossum: Huh... I still feel disappointed that I could be that sexy, take-control vixen, but that does make me feel a bit better about the whole situation.
Computer_Pants: you put in effort, thats what counts.
Im sure he would have had the same amount of trouble if he was trying to dress up as a sexy firefighter for you or whatever your preference may be.
TheOptimismOpossum: Maybe not a sexy firefighter, but something along those lines haha. Thanks, you really cheered me up about the whole thing!
Computer_Pants: I do what I can
| 8 | 5.75 | |
1404706251 | 1404743701 | t3_2a0svn | t5_2to41 | 15 | Donut_Dick: TIFU By using a newly purchased Penis-Pump a little too much.
Forewarning, I understand I deserve this for going in to it with no research.
Long story short I used a cock pump for some pickle hiding with the lady, kept it pressurized for roughly 30-45 minutes wonderful gains were had about 1.75" - 2" extra in girth! and .75" in length, after about an hour or so sexy times my penis calmed down but not the part above the circumcision line. Now I have a donut looking dick. Hopefully it goes away...
If any one has any tips or tricks for me regarding this, my Boston cream donut would greatly appreciate it.
iamthedigitalcheese: Go to the hospital.
Donut_Dick: Reading things online now, nothing says GO TO HOSPITAL.
iamthedigitalcheese: In that case... in order to reverse the swelling, why dont you put the pump back on and hook it up to an air compressor and set it to 4 bar.
Donut_Dick: Will update.
FmMan3: No update, clearly op died.
Donut_Dick: Swelling down substantially. Heart rate back to normal.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1404707937 | 1404732621 | t3_2a0uz0 | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my boyfriend a blow job
This was just the other day on 4th of July night. My boyfriend and I are both in the Coast Guard except I am in the reserves and he is active duty. He is on a boat currently in dry dock and I am at a completely separate unit. For the 4th his cutter decided to let the crew bring guests on board. We decided to pregame this which was our first mistake but not against the rules. When we got on board to watch the fireworks we felt in the heat of the moment and he took me back to his rack. I was blowing him for a total of thirty seconds before the two petty officers on duty opened the drapes violently and were shocked to see his bare white ass in their faces and me on my knees in front of him. He has orders to go to Aschool next month and now they are threatening to mast him which could seriously damage his career and prevent him from going. Also, they may contact my command to inform them of our slutty violation. I was planning on going to officer candidate school in a few years but after five seconds of fun I may just have to say goodbye to that altogether. Yeah, we fucked up.
vivianomie: Oh no! I'm so sorry that such a small indiscretion can have such serious consequences. Does it help your case at all that you're actually in a relationship?
stupidthrowaway1239: That's the military for ya... And no not really
CochinBrahmaLover: What if y'all got like... Married?
Maybe they'd forgive ya?
I'm sorry I'm sorta ignorant on the military's laws ):
stupidthrowaway1239: It wouldn't matter or be worth it lol
CochinBrahmaLover: Oh that's sad...
Hopefully they show mercy
stupidthrowaway1239: Apparently his cutter hasn't had a mast (military court proceeding basically) in over two years. Just a few days earlier the petty officers were talking about how they wanted to mast somebody and my boyfriend jokingly stated that it would probably be him. Bad timing.
I_am_a_Pixel: I know nothing about the coast guards so could you explain why people would want to bring someone from their unit to a court proceeding? Doesn't it just reflect bad on them as a whole?
| 8 | 8.375 | |
1404700347 | 1404715825 | t3_2a0kr8 | t5_2to41 | 43 | joefrantel: TIFU by not understanding Snapchat stories
So, this is actually my roommate's fuck-up, but it's too good not to share. At our 4th of July party, it's pretty late and we're all pretty drunk. We've been on a kick of enjoying the [Fuck Her Right In The Pussy guy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdIT74L8hGI) recently, and Roommate 1 wanted to make a Snapchat story of Roommate 2 interrupting various "news stories" with the now-famous quote. We spend the next 20-30 minutes recording R2 interrupting people and make a solid Snapchat story, and then continue with our night.
Next morning, we wake up and remember doing this and start laughing about it, and we all go to Snapchat to relive the moment. None of us can find the story, so we ask R1 if he posted it. He responds with yes, but he set it so his 9-year-old cousin wouldn't be able to see it. We then ask him if he's sure he set it so the cousin wouldn't see it, or if he accidentally set it so she was the only one who would see it.
After 5 minutes and a deep dive into Snapchat's settings, he sadly confirms that he made a story of R2 saying "FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY" multiple times and set it so only his 9-year-old cousin could see it.
It's been almost 24 hours and no one from R1's family has called him out on it or anything, so we're hoping he's out of the water...but we've been laughing about it all day and he won't be living it down for a while.
TL;DR made a Snapchat story of roommate yelling "FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY" and sent it to 9-year-old cousin only.
SquiddyTheMouse: Why the fuck does a 9 year old have snapchat?
skrompy: Exactly!
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1404710290 | 1404824849 | t3_2a0xss | t5_2to41 | 60 | FierceDeity96: TIFU by reading my girlfriend's and her ex-boyfriend's Facebook messages
So it's 1:25 AM June 7th, 2014.
I'm a pretty happy person and I trust most of my friends and especially my girlfriend, however I just spent the last 30 minutes of my night reading her and her ex-boyfriend's Facebook messages. I wasn't jealous or anything or worried she'd go back to him, we're a pretty happy couple and they're far done and over with, but I couldn't help but read their conversations just out of curiosity.
I scrolled up all the way as far as I could go to get to the roots of their relationship. The farthest I got was December 31st, 2012 and damn were these kids in love.. I read in half an hour things I've'nt ever read anything like before. It made me tear up watching, that as time went on, slowly their relationship unraveled and went from the brightest sides of the Sun of optimism to the deepest abyss of pessimism. They were so happy and so in love...
Their relationship had so much love and pizzazz at first, you could tell by the way they spoke to each other. Months went on, day and night they'd talk to each other like lovebirds do and its quite enthralling watching the early stages of the relationship, you know, the awkwardness of getting to know each other and pushing limits you aren't sure of where the line is and how close you're treading.
It was every night they'd say they loved each other and every morning they'd talk so sweetly with greetings of the rising Sun and were just glad to be together for another day. Their evening conversations in between the good nights and good mornings were filled with jokes, laughter, talks about their recent dates to the movies or something along the lines that just reassured them they were happy together.
The conversations went on like this perfectly for almost half a year, no slips, cracks or any sign of wear, not even the occasional signs of bickering. Up until her ex-boyfriend slept with another girl and she had found out. Oh boy was this conversation gut wrenching... she started it with
"Hey baby... what happened last night?" simply dying for the truth.
"Nothing much, hun I was in Linden like I said I was." Linden, Michigan was his hometown of 15 years about two hours away from where he had lived now and made something with her. This was the absolute first lie in their entire relationship and it was heartbreaking, because she had clearly known the truth, he had just kept denying it every time she hinted at it.
I suppose that they were so in love that they wanted to work through it. Maybe cheating is a natural happening and is a sign of weakness that doesn't mean much and can easily be worked through if the two people love each other that much. I wouldn't know, I've never cheated on someone.
But the Facebook messages slowly changed in the subtlest of ways, for instance "I love you"'s became "Love you"'s and they were a lot briefer talks. They began to show less and less interest of each other while still claiming to be so in love. He would always ask if she had cheated on him to get back and that would cause fights. She'd get mad because she just didn't want to think about it and she'd lash out at him for actually doing it and how he could be such a terrible person. He would just apologize and say he loved her and she could just not believe it. She knew he said that, but did he mean it? How could he if he cheated on her?
The closer winter came again, through spring and fall they tried to patch the cracks and didn't talk much about the event that took place in the months before, but as it got colder so did the warmth of their relationship. He had done it again to her.
I was amazed at how such a beautiful thing like love could just whisk away like that. Their relationship was everywhere in those Facebook messages and I couldn't help but be sad for the both of them. I guess you could say I fucked up by giving myself the feels.
Joe434: Oh man, what the fuck were you thinking?
Also, if I were her I would be super pissed at you for doing that, privacy yo. I would probably break up with a gf if she did that.
FierceDeity96: She's pretty open, she gave me her password in case I ever wanted to go through her shit anyways. As long as I don't like, flip a tit about it she doesn't mind.
buddha_knows_best: but .. but why did they break up ?! don't leave us hanging !!
FierceDeity96: Edited to include a brief story providing background on the break up and the idea of the messages.
buddha_knows_best: This is indeed sad...
FierceDeity96: I thought so.
Korihoko: Similar thing happened to my girlfriend of four years. she just broke up with me in November, no cheating on my part though. She did webcam with a stranger in our 2nd year but I tried to get over it. What tore at us was me growing up and her still needing someone to always be with her...I still miss that happy go lucky couple we used to be. Bleh, everyone will find their person. Just had to relate. Thanks for the nostalgia OP.
| 8 | 7.5 | |
1404697412 | 1404750036 | t3_2a0gm8 | t5_2to41 | 12 | mickythesmelly: TIFU by making a joke about germany beating france in the world cup
I work at a pool as a lifeguard a little ways away from where I live and I happened to be working at the gate signing guests in (it's a private pool) and a family comes up to me. Nothing out of the ordinary mom and dad and two little boys they say there last name and I look them up in the book and see five names sign the four present in and that's when I notice the father is wearing a France World Cup jersey and give him a little chuckle saying "sorry about your loss". At this moment the kids and mother lose it and the father gives me a stare that Made me sweat and they walked off. Then I realized. Family of five. Four Signed In. Child missing. I feel like the biggest dick this side of the Rockies.
*edit to clarify there kid had died I don't know how but yeah thought id clear that up.
websurfer83: Why would they be at a pool if their child is missing. Absolutely stupid. They should be looking.
Silverlight42:
Where do you look when the kid never came home from school one day, a couple months back?
websurfer83: Why book a private pool a couple months in advance?
Silverlight42: yeah good point. though... maybe it's like super exclusive and there's a long waiting list?
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1404708693 | 1404746371 | t3_2a0vvj | t5_2to41 | 15 | somewhereifoundyou: TIFU by pocket dialing
I have been seeing this girl for about a month or so. Things have been going okay. Well today we are supposed to hang out, but she bails. This starts the beginning of the end. She says,"things are just wierd and she doesn't know what to do." I not being certain what she is talking about ask her to explain. This is when my phone pocket dials the first time. It has done this a couple times the past month so I just hang up the call when I notice it. She says nevermind. I tell her that I'm not going to force her to talk but am willing to listen if she ever feels like talking. If it ended like that I would have felt fine knowing I tried my best with a slight chance of things turning for the better, but no my pocket goes rogue and calls her again. This time I don't notice till five minutes later. I end the call and look at the text she sent me it reads,"stop calling me and trying to get me to talk." Great now there is no chance and I'm left looking like an overly attached creeper.
TLDR My pocket is not a good wingman.
Edit spelling is not one of my strengths.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Mmhmm, surrre.
somewhereifoundyou: [Proof](http://imgur.com/a/pybNp)
NoDiggityNoDoubt: At first I was like "oh cool, someone is offering proof," but as I'm reading it, I couldn't help but think "who the hell uses proper grammar and punctuation in text messages?"
I thought I was the only one.
somewhereifoundyou: Well definitely not me.
| 5 | 3 | |
1404697406 | 1404729830 | t3_2a0glv | t5_2to41 | 11 | Pillow_monster: tifu by getting to far ahead of myself
Last night i had some friends over and we did a lot of partying and drinking. one of the girls that came over im starting to crush for a little bit. Anyways bedtime came along so i went to bed. She came in and i asked if she wanted to lay down with me. She accepted and laid down. I put my arm around her and she got up and slept elswhere.
VeraciousBuffalo: Thats... Wierd. Was it just an arm around?
ShmeckleCoveter: By around he meant inside
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1404711011 | 1404779534 | t3_2a0ynd | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a girl to blow me in front of co-workers
So this actually happened last summer but I relive whenever I talk to girls. I worked at a pool, and if the weather isn't the best all 20 workers generally sit cramped on these two park tables in the middle of the deck.
So its rainy (of course) and I am talking to this one girl. Just for fun because we are board and everyone is kind of in each others conversations. This girl is really hot but I am not in it for that then.
During the conversation, she says that she "can't blow her lifeguard whistle good" in a completely non-sexual manner. Being the grammar nazi (thanks reddit) that I am, I say the first joke that comes to my mind VERY loud just as all conversation dies and twenty people sit in silence.
"You know what they say about girls that can't blow whistles good!"
(FACEPALM)
(The answer was "they suck at grammar" or something stupid like that)
and this is when EVERYONE, even my boss, looks down to where we were talking thinking that I am hitting on this 10 at work. she walks off and I decide to lay low for a bit and drop hiroshima 2.0 in the bathrooms.
vivianomie: >Being the grammar nazi (thanks reddit) that I am, I say the first joke that comes to my mind VERY loud
I believe you meant to use the adverb, 'loudly.'
theoversleeper: Always keeping me honest...
You da real MVP
vivianomie: Lol, thanks. I wondered if I was being too much of an asshole with that point. I promise I wasn't trying to be a dick! I just thought it was entertaining.
theoversleeper: I would rather someone tell me I'm wrong than be nice and leave me be.
vivianomie: Perfect :-)
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1404712006 | 1404712942 | t3_2a0zp5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By emptying my spam folder
enforcerupu2: Just edit the ad asking people to re-send.
CochinBrahmaLover: I did, and I renewed it. But this goddamn pig is eating so much. I planned on keeping her for another 2-3 months, but cannot afford it.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1404712820 | 1404770675 | t3_2a10kb | t5_2to41 | 60 | _Tripp_: TIFU by stabbing my balls with a wire
This just happened. Today I bought a new set of strings for my guitar. I restrung my guitar, and it sounded fantastic. Great. So I clip the strings at the end and throw the ends into the trash. Fast forward to now. I just shed my clothes because I sleep naked, and tossed myself onto my bed. Suddenly i feel what might be the most intense pain of my life as one of the string ends (the low E) punctures my sac. I'm bleeding and I don't have the nerve to ask my parents for a bandage. I've pulled it out though, which is a step in the right direction.
Taco_Burrit0: I'd rather jump on the low E compared to the high, still...ouch
Ransora: You'd rather have a bigger, rougher string puncture your sack than a small, fine, silky smooth string? Or do you mean since theres a higher chance being stabbed with the high e you'd rather jump on the low e? Just curious.
Taco_Burrit0: I use heavies, so the high one is a relatively thin but sharp as fuck little thing
| 4 | 15 | |
1404714025 | 1404724203 | t3_2a11sm | t5_2to41 | 11 | Blast2TheGhast: TIFU by hanging out with "That one friend"
This happened about a week ago when I was with a few friends. We went to this sleazy as fuck bar a couple streets away from my friend's house. So, I was elected designated driver, because I wasn't drinking that night because I just finished clearing from a wonderful thread of days of ejecting liquid death from my face hole. I just sat and socialized whilst my friends and with my asshole friend got shitfaced.Well, about an hour of snickering at drunks falling over My pal came up and said "You know **INSERT DOUCHEY NAME HERE* is about to fight some kid in parking lot, right?". So I just sigh and go to play peacekeeper and head out the doors. When I came to the fighting grounds I was welcomed by my "friend" doing a standoff with a fat teenage kid with enough pimples on his face to spell Ew in Braille. Things got heated and I grabbed the unlucky underage drinking away from friendo, and with my luck, The kid pisses his pants and starts crying. Me being angry as all hell, I took off my shirt and wiped the liquid fear off my legs and take off my piss-shoes and drive all my friends but Mr. Douchington home. The next day, I arrived at work late, Smelling of faint piss and coverup Old Spice. I was fired, and ridiculed by my ex-manager.
hyp_kitsune: > Ew in Braille.
##### • •
##### • • •
##### •
Blast2TheGhast: You. I like you.
DeadJak: For what ever reason I don't believe you. :P
Blast2TheGhast: Eh, Can't blame you. It's a hell of a thing.
DeadJak: Or is it?
Blast2TheGhast: MY BRAIN! MY BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1404704287 | 1404771527 | t3_2a0qb6 | t5_2to41 | 62 | [deleted]: TIFU by not admitting that I just needed a few minutes before Skyping [nsfw language and content]
**TL;DR: I unleashed an unholy explosion of diarrhea within the sight and earshot of a girl who was willingly taking her clothes off on camera for me.**
***UPDATE:*** **So, my girl finally texted me back. Turns out, she thought that me jumping up and yelling was because somebody had come in the room and saw what was going on, so she immediately shut her laptop. Before she saw or heard anything from my end (pun intended). She hadn't texted me because *she* was also embarrassed, thinking that someone had seen her. And because she was ignorant to the horrifying reality of the situation, she thought it was fucking *hilarious* when I told her (with a limited scope) what had actually happened. So all is well, and she said we can finish the show another time. I consider myself very, very lucky. Maybe I'll share this post with her someday when it's not so fresh in my mind.**
Ok, so, this is the terrible situation I'm in now. I'm seeing this girl, she's in a different state for the summer, so we Skype a lot. She texts me earlier, hey, wanna Skype? Hell yeah I do. I'm so into this girl, and I love talking to her and hearing about her day and all that sappy shit.
Except, speaking of shit, I'd had something big brewing in my gut all day long. I hadn't had time to release the beast yet; I'd been traveling all day, and had just gotten home and sat down when she texted me. Maybe it was my youthful exuberance, maybe it was the energy of young love, maybe it was a bit of clairvoyance on my part; whatever it was, I felt compelled to jump right to the Skyping without just saying "yeah, let's do it in a few minutes!" and giving myself time to calm the hurricane force shit storm that was raging in my bowels. So I texted her back, I'll get on right now! And got on I did.
When her video came up, to my great surprise, there she sat, butt-ass naked, leaning back against the headboard of her bed, legs spread wide open, one hand stroking herself between her legs and the other groping her breasts, her mouth agape with lustful glee, a hint of a shy smile playing across her lips. So this is what kind of Skype it was gonna be. What a lucky motherfucker I was. Today seemed like it was gonna be my day.
So I watched her put on her show, now stroking myself to the rhythm of her own strokes. She wanted me to give her commands. I gave them. Bend over. Spank yourself. Wiggle dat ass. God damn, she's so fine. I'm so into it - this beautiful, young, tight girl taking such pleasure in displaying her body for me in all the strange contortions I wanted, happily giving in to my desires. What more could a young man ask for?
Maybe I was *too* focused on the spectacle unfolding before me, because I totally forgot about the ShitGodzilla tearing its way through my intestines. Just as I feel myself reaching climax, begging her to keep twerking that perfect ass, spread your cheeks just like that baby: it arrived. With a tremendous, primal groan emanating from my stomach, a fecal battering ram pounded against my sphincter, which only barely withstood that first assault. I let out a decidedly unmasculine yelp, half surprise and half pain, as I leapt from my chair, running for the toilet. It only took me half a second to reach my destination - which happened to be right behind where I'd been sitting, in full view of the webcam. I didn't even have time to shut the door.
Before my wholly unprepared ass even hit the toilet seat, an ungodly cacophony issued forth. I felt it was loud enough to be heard from across the street, and had no doubt it would reach the microphone through which I'd only seconds before been delivering sexual commands to my supple nymph. The hellish symphony of claps, flaps, squeals, splats and splashes was absolutely unrelenting; I felt as though Almighty God was delivering Holy Justice unto this forsaken toilet through the medium of my now bruised, battered and torn bottom. I don't know what that toilet did, but I sure as hell hope it deserved what it got.
Unsurprisingly, when my personal hell in the bathroom had finally ended and I returned to my previous place of ass worship (a term I've become uncomfortable with after what could be described as a religious experience,) my Skype session had ended. How much of the nightmare this poor girl had witnessed, I do not know.
Now real talk, flowery language aside, I'm so fucking embarrassed. She's not texting me back. I don't blame her, after what she probably heard and saw. I don't know what to do. If only I'd given myself a few minutes to take care of my issue... Now I don't know if I'll ever have an opportunity to order (for free) a willing, attractive female to perform perverse acts upon herself for my pleasure again.
TheWinstonDouble: Man.. that's rough. I did not understand words such as "cacophony" and "emanating" (I am Danish) but I got the picture and it was brutal. I wish you all the best.
AdamAnimal: **ca·coph·o·ny**
*kəˈkäfənē*
noun
a harsh, discordant mixture of sounds
*"The out of tune pioano pruduced a cacophony"*.
**em·a·nate**
*eməˌnāt*
verb
gerund or present participle: **emanating**
issued or spread out from a source.
*"warmth emanated from the fireplace"*
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1404716143 | 1404753486 | t3_2a13s5 | t5_2to41 | 234 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching SpongeBob
[deleted]: thats not a fuck up. thats success!
Dransik: Gf was not impressed
Matt2310: tell her to hop on the deck and flop like a fish
hybridman: Absorbant and yellow and porus is she?
Matt2310: i can only imagine the amount of acid/ mushrooms the guys were on while making this show
hybridman: Right? I watch it with my kid all the time and some of the stuff I see lol
| 7 | 33.428571 | |
1404719220 | 1404721274 | t3_2a16ks | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing away 500 dollars.
This happened a couple of years ago. Just discovered this subreddit, so I figured this story would be enjoyed here.
I decided to go out and buy a new car. The dealership had a promo where, after you bought your car, you spun a roulette wheel on their computer and won a prize. You were guaranteed at least $250 dollars, but could win as much as your car being paid off.
I won $500. The car salesman said I could take it in a form of a cheque or put it towards paying my car off. I had just moved into a new place and needed some stuff, so I opted for the cheque. (My payments would have gone down about 10 bucks a month, if that.) They told me the cheque would be mailed to me within the month.
Fast forward 3 weeks later. Get a card in the mail from the dealership. By this point, I had forgotten all about the contest. (New place, divorce, etc.) I figured the card was just a 'thank you' from the dealership for my business, so I threw it out without opening it.
It was, of course, exactly that. But it also contained the cheque for $500.
I only realized this when I remembered the contest 3 or 4 months later and wondered where my cheque was.
Yup.
torrplex: Contact the dealership and see if they'll resend. Tell them you never received it or something...verify address on file, request a new check.
ray_charles_MANSON: I doubt they would honor the cheque seeing as this event occurred some years ago.
torrplex: Good point. I got caught up with the '3 weeks later' and '4 months later' part.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1404720260 | 1404844824 | t3_2a17hq | t5_2to41 | 51 | Random_Expletive: TIFU by sending a nude to my conservative best friend
This actually happened a few nights ago, but I only discovered the true horror of what I did today.
Well first off all I love sex. I have a lot of casual sex, and at the moment I've found this really, really great partner. He's kinky, fun and all around a nice guy.
So I was at his house doing the nasty, when mid-coital we decided it would be funny to snapchat one of our mutual friends and let him in on the fact that we were doing the deed.
I whip out my phone and take a lovely picture of me sitting on his dick, his hands on my waist, with tits on full display. I send this picture and promptly forget about it.
Well.....
Today I check my snapchat and "conservativebestfriend has added you!" I scroll down to the conversation and it turns out I sent him a photo that night too.
I'm too scared to talk to him. We have an almost brother sister relationship and I'm terrified of what he will think of me now.
Tl:dr- sent my naked tits to my ultra innocent/conservative/religious best friend.
YCJ54: Im asking purely for science, but was your lucky friend like inside you while the pic was taken? Again, strictly empirical fact finding here...
Random_Expletive: He certainly was
YCJ54: Oh you are just awesome :)
Random_Expletive: All for science
YCJ54: Bottom line: I'm sure your good friend will be ok in the end. It may even make him rethink his conservative views or conceptions. Or at worst he got some nice spank bank material out of it. Anyway, doesn't seem like too bad of a fuckup. Actually its pretty hot, and not just scientifically .
Random_Expletive: Well thanks for the reassurance.
LogicalParadox_: For science, what does a dick feel like when it's inside of you?
Random_Expletive: Like mint chocolate
LogicalParadox_: And obviously for science, you will pm me the snap chat picture.
tornateaux: And me, as well. For a purely scientific second opinion.
| 11 | 4.636364 | |
1404720148 | 1404730799 | t3_2a17e5 | t5_2to41 | 17 | Taylosaurus: TIFU by being honest while cuddling
So I've been talking to this girl for a couple of months. We have similar pasts, we share many common interests, and we get along well. I like her. Tonight I was pretty buzzed and she wanted me to come over. I did and brought some whiskey for me, and beer for her. We talked, listened to music, all was well. We slept together and it was amazing, she even said she's never held on to someone like this before. We really connected and everything felt right at the time. It felt like I was were I should be and all was right in the world.
Then for whatever reason, while we're cuddling, I open my stupid fucking drunk mouth and say... I feel like I should tell you that I'm in love with my best friend.
That didn't go over well. The conversation following was terrible and I'm a horrible person.
She said I'm in no condition to drive home so I can sleep here but pretty sure this is not reconcilable. She's laying next to me and it's super awkward. I'm an idiot.
6romperstomper9: My wife insists on me cuddling her (spooning) after sex. Next time, I'm going to say what you said.
TELL_ME_HOW-YOU_FEEL: http://media.tumblr.com/e463bcb4170f1a49ba55e8a8686e0f5b/tumblr_inline_mw868ns9gH1rhoje5.jpg
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404723138 | 1404728555 | t3_2a19p3 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: Tifu by punching a hole in the wall after giving my retarded brother alcohol.
Tifu, I'm 27 live at home with my mother to help her out after breast cancer. I also have a dad with a broken back alcoholic (separated), a 23 year old brother with autism/aspergers and a 15 year type 1 diabetic who gets sick and tired of our shit. Last night I was watching movies with the 15 year old and let's call him fatfuck comes in looking to barter booze. Having had a shot or two, I say sure man I'll give you a shot and some beer for some wine with the condition that tomorrow morning we have to help mom move furniture no matter how drunk we are. He agrees. Hour later the little one gets tired and she heads up to her room and I fall asleep. Fast forward to 10 in the morning. I still drunk, wake my brother up and say here's an energy drink and a beer let's get this done. He won't wake up so I gently as I can roll him. He doesn't like this and grabs me in a head lock and slams my head into the wall. Swearing I'd never hit anyone in drunken anger, I say fuck this pack my shit and slam his door and put my fist threw the door. Now I'm stuck at dad's house, fatfuck is not moving furniture and all my mom can say is her and the tween miss me and I should come back asap. I really don't know what the fuck I should do. I love these idiot's but they're causing me to drink myself to death, I've lost two great jobs in six months talking care of them.
PIRATEghost85: Drinking is not the answer. You can only do so much man, just try your best to be a good man, the rest is out of your control.
You need to be responsible, set a good example and be somebody they can be proud of. I dont know you, but I believe in you.
Thepunishedboss: Thank you so much! I just don't know what to say. Just thanks man.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404724506 | 1404834742 | t3_2a1apm | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing in a bottle
So I'm on vacation at my Dad's house and so I'm staying in my brothers room so I have a good wank at 4:00 but need to pee so bad. The problem is the bathroom is right by my dad's door and he is a very light sleeper. So I search the room to find a bottle and find a dasani water bottle. And I put a pair of shorts on the floor incase I miss. So I start peeing and fill up the bottle and it starts leaking at first I thought I over filled it and it was dripping down my leg. Nope I was wrong hole in the bottle half the bottle landed on the shorts the other half on the carpet. Turns out my brother bites holes in his water bottles. So I grab my swim suit and scrub the carpet so no yellow is showing and find some duct tape in the room and tape the bottle. And don't know if he will notice but I'm worried.
Towel_hero: When I was about nine or ten, my brother and I would always stay up playing games. Sometimes the game would be too intense and when we were too lazy to walk to the bathroom, we would pee in the trash can in our room. It started to smell after a while and eventually threw away the trash can.
MrSulyvan: When I was about 7 years old I had a really small bladder and I sucked at holding it in. The nearest bathroom was downstairs and down the hall, to avoid soaking all over myself I used to piss down the air vent not knowing the possible consequences.
Silverlight42: that musta made the house smell fresh after a while of doing that.
How long did it take for your parents to catch you?
MrSulyvan: Not long :P
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1404723107 | 1404775905 | t3_2a19o8 | t5_2to41 | 4,898 | spacevomit: TIFU by meeting my Girlfriends brother for the first time.
I was at my girlfriends family home for the first time and no one was home, after a while of hanging out things starting getting a bit frisky between us, eventually i started finger bangin' her. This is where things got interesting. Half way through we hear someone coming up the stairs, so quickly I pull out of her while she slips her skirt back down . In walks her brother within a few seconds, her brother who i've never met to this point, he introduces himself and extends his hand to shake mine.
Rewind 3 months and i had a motocross accident, broke my arm and collarbone, both on the same side, my arms in a cast and a sling as well.
Fast forward. Im trapped, I had no option except to attempt to wipe his sisters juices off on my shorts before shaking his hand. After an awkward delay of a hand shake, with minimal juice extraction, I go for it, i shake his hand.
The most awkward moment of all our lives ensured.
He felt it, looked at me like what the fuck, looked at his sister who was bright red.He knew, he definitely knew.
TLDR: Fingered dudes sister, shakes his hand with sticky fingers due to other arm being in a sling.
mercival: Should have turned his handshake into a fist bump instead to minimise the juice transfer.
timpturbose: "Minimize the juice transfer"
ilikeeatingbrains: "Synergy"
idontknowcats: "Like a boss"
ilikeeatingbrains: "Shake it like Impossible's pictures, come on."
whitebean: .... did you mean "shake it like a Polaroid picture"?
SomeCrazyG: 'scuse me while I kiss this guy
whitebean: Revved up like a douche.
SomeCrazyG: There's a bathroom on the right
mr_tambourine_man_: Hold me close Tony Danza
Lysergic-25: Actually Elton says "hold me ***closer*** Tony Danza" not "close", how dare you butcher a classic like that?
mr_tambourine_man_: Looks like it's back to lurking for me
| 13 | 376.769231 | |
1404726365 | 1404726830 | t3_2a1c6u | t5_2to41 | 7 | Lewitje: TIFU by leaving my key in the door
**Context**
Me and my bf just moved into a new apartment on the 5th floor and we have one of those doors that you can't open if there's a key in the other side.
**The story**
So me and my bf are leaving the apartment to put some mail in the mailbox which is just across the street from where we live. So we get the letter and make our way out the door, I always leave my key in the door and just take it out when I leave, in the old apartment this wasn't an issue, but this time I didn't take it because my bf has his key and we were just going down stairs.
So we go out the door to the elevator, then it hit me... My key is in the door, we go back and my bf puts his key in the door; it doesn't open. We try pushing the key, we try twisting nothings working...
Then I remember I left the balcony door open because it's a warm day. The apartment to the rights balcony is about 1/2 a meter from ours. So... time to introduce ourselves to the neighbors prematurely (We wanted to make a card), we ring the bell and a old lady opens the door to 2 fully grown guys asking to come in a climb over her balcony. She hesitantly says yes but she doesn't want to watch or take any responsibility, so we go in, move all her plants and I help him climb over a 1/2 meter gap 5 floors up and he successfully opens the door.
We thank the lady and continue on our journey to deliver the letter!
**TIL** Don't lock yourself out then ask an old lady to climb over her balcony...
DeadJak: IMO that TLDR is more of a TIL.
Lewitje: You're right, changed it
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404727868 | 1404740463 | t3_2a1ddq | t5_2to41 | 4 | LongLiveBacon: TIFU by washing my hands with shampoo.
To start off, I am lazy. It's too much work to, y'know, get more soap. So instead, I used a thing of Pantene sitting beside the sink. Well, I did this before I went into my room to pull another all nighter (I am afraid that a ghost will attack me, another story.)
I sit down in my room and put my fist to my nose, relaxing like a statue. A couple minutes later, I smell an awful familiar smell. Like, hairspray. I start freaking out: it's the middle of the freaking night and I smell hairspray in my room, and I'm a man. I don't use hairspray. I google the smell and I'm getting things like Carbon Monoxide poisioning (which is funny cause you can't smell it) so I'm freaking out and scared to death. Then I move my hand away.
The smell is gone. It turns out the shampoo smells like hairspray.
And I was smelling the hairspray.
TL;DR: Thought I had a gas leak, it was a hairspray smell left from shampoo I used on my hands.
EDIT: MONOXIDE, NOT DIOXIDE.
EDIT 2: [Ghost story here.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Paranormal/comments/2a4mj5/the_ghost_in_the_dress/)
SATANS_AVOGADRO: TYFU by using the word "dioxide" instead of "monoxide". Big difference :3
Also, do tell about this ghost.
robly18: Yep. No such thing as carbon dioxide poisoning. That would be like helium poisoning.
Theoretically possible; but only if the entire mass of air you're breathing was made of it.
Silverlight42: yeah, it might not be 'poisoning' but if your room's filled with it, you're still gonna die pretty quick.
Fairly humane way to go too, I hear.
| 4 | 1 | |
1404724187 | 1404785845 | t3_2a1ahf | t5_2to41 | 79 | BabyEatingSerhant: TIFU by schorching my insides!
This horrible mistake happened an hour ago. I woke up this morning feeling a bit sleepy and thought, "hey, there's a coffee shop down the road, I'll go and get an espresso." and so I do. Like any other time I've drank an espresso, it was relatively drinkable, and so as any other time, I went ahead and downed the hole thing.
Little did I know that it was HOTTER THAN SATAN'S PISS and didn't react quickly enough to spit out the fire from Hell. So, I swallowed it, and could feel the liquid-slower than you'd think-work it's way down my esophagus searing every tissue it came in contact with.
Now, I have a horrible stomach ache, it's a struggle to swallow, my gums are throbbing, and my tongue has little to no feeling.
I'm eating a Popsicle to numb my mouth, but I'm not sure what to do about my injured insides. Any ideas?
IamKingSandDuck: Deep throat a Popsicle
BabyEatingSerhant: Actually not a bad idea, given the situation. xD
IamKingSandDuck: Waiting for TIFU by deepthroating a Popsicle choked and fell on Popsicle and getting raped by ice
SenorScumbag: ...and then shitting self.
IamKingSandDuck: And then getting special cream for sprain from slipping on gentials and burning them
| 6 | 13.166667 | |
1404730757 | 1404761584 | t3_2a1fq6 | t5_2to41 | 69 | ninjajandal: TIFU by sleeping in.
It's term break here, a two week holiday for school kids. I woke up to my alarm this morning, dragged myself to the kitchen and threw cereal in the direction of my 4 and 6 year olds. They asked if they could watch cartoons and I said sure, I'm going back to bed, just eat your breakfast first and keep an eye on the dog.
Now the dog in question is Moose, seven and a half months of white fluffy cuteness that still chews everything he can get to. He's a dog, is their thing. Whatevs. My kids, well they love their cartoons, and get kind of hypnotized. And me, well I reeeeeally like a sleep in. Add to this mix that it was a certain time of the month for me, and we have a perfect storm.
The kids stopped watching the dog because regular show came on and they love that shit. I fell fast asleep again because I have polar fleece sheets and I love that shit. The dog. .... did his thing. With the bathroom rubbish bin.
I got up an hour later and there was used panty liners strewn through the entire house. Bloodstained scraps as far as the eye could see. I wasn't happy, but cleaned it up and got on with my day. It's bedtime now, and I just found my final present.
The saturated pad I wore last night was in pieces on my pillow. The massive, clot-and-gore-drenched surfboard was shredded all through my sheets, sticking to my pillowcase and seeping through to the pillow itself. The dog just looked at me. Not even sorry. As I cleaned it up I even got to explain to my MIL who's staying why I was calling my dog a cunt and yelling to my husband to get online and buy us some new pillows.
Can't blame a puppy, can't blame the kids, so this is on me- TIFU by snoozing too long.
donaldtrumpwinning: hilariously horrible
ninjajandal: Thank you. Minutes after posting this, my husband walked into the bedroom and asked what the funny smell was and why I'd changed the pillow cases. He's not a redditor, I'll take this shit to my grave.
donaldtrumpwinning: I have this funny go to story about helping this girl who was moving. While me and my friends were moving the boxes her dog comes out of the bathroom with a used tampon dangling out of his mouth. She about died of embarrassment. Your story obliterates mine.
ninjajandal: Luckily the little bastard didn't find them. Plus he's a white dog, so it would have been like using a sponge to dye his face red.
donaldtrumpwinning: tagged you as clot & gore drenched surferette :)
ninjajandal: My first tag!
| 7 | 9.857143 | |
1404734701 | 1404790559 | t3_2a1jc0 | t5_2to41 | 767 | TripleFFF: TIFU by breathing my own piss :C
It was a beautiful summers eve and my friends and I were hanging out at the local beach park, barbecueing and drinking.
Night started falling, so we build a small campfire and continue our drinking under the stars. It was a gorgeous night, spirits are high, the view from the sand dunes was just stunning, and the drinking and singing continued well into the early morning.
Eventually the fire died down, the last of the beers were consumed, and we decided to pack up our area. This is where my drunken brain had a great idea, which would become my ultimate fuckup.
My friends are very responsible campers, so after picking up all our bottles and litter and sweeping our area for any lost items, the last thing to do was to bury our embers. We kicked out a good sized hole, deep enough so noone would stand in it, and carefully pushed the remains of our fire into it with our boots.
The embers were still glowing, and nobody had any water to dump on it. A fierce debate was raging about whether to sacrifice the last two beers to the pit, when I felt the familiar urge to urinate. 'Two birds, one stone!' I thought gleefully. Besides, I had always wanted to live out that particular firefighter dream (a la Gullivers Travels).
So I take an almighty swig of beer, position myself, and unzip. The sweet relief and the satisfying sizzle of the embers were pure bliss, and I congratulated myself for my genius. The good feelings, however, were not to last, as the sweet night air blowing in my face turned warm and acrid, and shrieks of horror rang out across the deserted landscape. I opened my eyes just in time to see a huge, angry vapour cloud rising from the pit and *covering* my shocked companions. Some scrambled to get out of the way but it was no use. The piss fog engulfed them, and within seconds the entire group was drenched. Girls were screaming, guys were swearing and running away, and everyone turns to see me doubled over, dick still in hand, howling with laughter.
**Tl;dr - Pissed on fire, fire pissed back.**
PraetorGogarty: Forecast for tonight: amonia clouds with a chance of golden showers.
hardcorehakes: And people thought Arizona summers were bad
ArtThouAngry: At least they're a dry heat.
_Dreams_In_Digital_: Pretty humid here in AZ today actually! :)
ArtThouAngry: I stand corrected.
synfulyxinsane: It won't last long. It never does.
| 7 | 109.571429 | |
1404733592 | 1404797437 | t3_2a1i9x | t5_2to41 | 410 | hasny: TIFU by sleeping with my girlfriend's mom
For the holiday weekend my gf and I took a trip to her mom's place where a rowdy party was thrown. The mom is a straight-up cougar. 40-something yrs old, hard, tanned body (better than her daughters tbh), single and quite obviously ready to mingle. Maybe that's why she threw the party?
My gf's family and their friends party hard. Multiple boat-races were had and several pot-bellied men puked their guts out in the backyard, including myself. Things get fuzzy after midnight when I took several pulls of jim beam but I have flashes of memories of going to bed with my GF, trying to fuck her, failing, going back to sleep then waking up and trying again.
When I woke up for real, my penis was snugly nestled between what appeared to be my girlfriend's buttocks and my hand was just barely touching what felt like the side of her breast. After a few seconds I realized that overnight my girlfriend's hair color had gotten slightly darker, her ass a little firmer, her tits a little smaller and she smelled differently. Fearing the worst I slid my now-limp penis off her ass and craned up to get a look at her face. Yep, my bed-partner had aged 20 years in the middle of the night. Heart pounding and balls shrinking, I tip-toed out of the room, more carefully then ever before in my life. Every impact of my toes on the hardwood floor sounded like a hammer to me, but the mom gave no sign of waking.
My gf was sound asleep in her room, so I just got into bed with her and pretended to be asleep until she woke up. Then pretended to be too tired and hungover to want any morning head. Despite the constant thought of WTF pounding through my brain I actually managed to get a bit of sleep.
I'm just going to assume that in my blacked out state I got up in the middle of the night to pee or drink water and went back into the wrong room. I had never been in this house before. We had lunch with the gf's momma before we drove back and I honestly could not tell if anyone knew anything was up. I spent most of the time looking away from momma.
Maybe the mom and daughter know and its some kind of test to see if I fess up on my own?
tl;dr: Got blacked out, wandered into the wrong room where my gf's mom was sleeping nude, passed out in bed with her and spooned that ass
I_like_ice_cream: I know it's obnoxious to correct someone's grammar, but you just have to love it when a poorly placed modifier gives you the following gem:
"Multiple boat-races were had and several pot-bellied men puked their guts out in the backyard, including myself."
el_pete: TIL OP has a pot belly.
threeys: I think they are making the point that "myself" refers to the guts, not the pot-bellied men.
I_like_ice_cream: No, the misplaced modifier makes it seem as if the pot-bellied men puked into OP.
15j: No, the misplaced modifier makes it seem as if the boat races puked into the pot-bellied men.
slthomp2: No, the misplaced modifier makes it seem as if OP woke up with his dick nestled firmly into the folds of a pot-belly.
| 7 | 58.571429 | |
1404736616 | 1404757195 | t3_2a1lc6 | t5_2to41 | 153 | unflavored: TIFU by being too comfortable in my dreams.
I used to be interested in lucid dreaming but I could never really achieve it. However, I did develop a kind of consciousness while dreaming. This is where I fuck up. Whenever im dreaming I know im dreaming and just kind of watch myself. Today I had a very pleasant dream. Last night I drank a 1L(1.05QT) Brisk Iced Tea. All by my self! And two cups of water. In my dream I was headed out but before I left my house I had to pee. I had to pee bad. I've never had this feeling in a dream so I think its just simulating that feeling. But no. I feel like a water hose was turned on my dick. But this was no blast of water it felt like it was on the mist setting. A very warm, pleasant feeling. But wait. Im semi conscious so I put my hand down there and INSTANTLY stop peeing in my dream. I wake my self up and just look at the mess. This was no mere drops this was just like /u/Brenvol, I was peeing as fast and as hard as possible. Now my bed sheets are ruined and I have to do laundry ahead of schedule. Oh as of writing this I still need to take a shower.
[deleted]: One of my proudest accomplishments to date is that I once pee'd in a dream and didn't do it in real life.
UndercoverConsumer: I bullshit you not, I actually piss in my dream all the time, usually towards the time I'm waking up but I never actually pee myself, idk if that's normal, but I can't complain
emortaltechnique: Doood me two
UndercoverConsumer: And at that, for some reason unknown, it's always a fucking urinal. They come out of nowhere even if I'm in the woods... "Oh look, a urinal! Boy have I gotta piss."
emortaltechnique: For me its never in a bathroom. Ironically.. In my dreams ill pee myself or just pee outside with no shame. I feel the warmth and everything but always wake up dry O_o
UndercoverConsumer: It's the damn scariest feeling ever
| 7 | 21.857143 | |
1404724989 | 1404758635 | t3_2a1b4i | t5_2to41 | 3 | jonathan88876: TIFU by counter-recruiting for my school's football program
I was at a party, quite high, when I ran into this kid who's a 3 star offensive guard who's getting recruited to my school. When he first said, "I got an offer from Temple" I interjected with "Don't go there, dude. It's a basketball school in the heart of basketball country, and our football team sucks ass and no one here gives a damn about football". Not only did I just try to eliminate one of our few chances of not sucking in the upcoming years, I also tried to close an "in" for the football team's parties that I could have. FML.
websurfer83: Stop looking outside yourself and look in the mirror instead. If you want your team to be good at football; you've got to put in the time and effort to practice yourself. When your not doing homework you should be training, type of thing.
Similar to what Chris Wiedman said Saturday night. "I don't take vacations or time off; I train. That's what tough guys do."
jonathan88876: ...I'm a soccer player buddy, and not one good enough to play D1. Just a fan of football.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404738102 | 1404808887 | t3_2a1myg | t5_2to41 | 3 | xzexua: TIFU by trying to light 5 sparklers at once.
So, on the fourth of July, we had the standard fireworks and sparklers planned. Knowing this, I decided to stay sober. Apparently, this time, that wouldn't be enough to prevent me from making an incredibly stupid decision. As I broke out the sparklers, I had a long line of kids waiting to get a lit one. Having multiple boxes of the same brand in different colors, I started with one box and alternated through the colors. After ten minutes of non-stopping lighting them, I decided that I would hold 5 together ( an entire package of green), and light them all and give them out that way. With them being less than perfectly straight, I held them down on the flammable part to keep them together. However, having seen several burn to this point, I had a pretty good idea of the speed of the burn, and figured I would have more than enough time to move my hand once ignited. With the green ones, it worked like a charm. However, the second time, choosing purple and repeating the above steps, the ignition was followed by a huge cloud of smoke within less than a second. By the time I instinctively opened my hand in that moment, they were completely spent, having burned completely out.
My hand was a purplish blackened mess. At that moment, it just stung, much like when you light a match too close to the head and burn a finger. However, knowing from local news reports that sparklers get up to something like 1200 degrees fahrenheit, I plunged my hand into a cooler filled with ice water, beer and soda, which hurt like a bitch. After bearing that as long as I could, I took it out and the pain subsided. However, it started coming back, so I took a cold soda out of the cooler and gripped that, as the combination of the cold and the pressure on all the right places made it feel a lot better. Luckily, I thought to take my wedding ring off before blisters appeared along all the burn lines, which covered about 1/3 of the surface of my palm and fingers. As none of the burns pierced the skin and the blisters were intact, I left at the end of the night to go home using my unopened soda as a icepack once more, skipping the ER. At home, as the soda began to warm, I realized that I was going to have to just deal with the pain if I didn't want to get up every 30 minutes to change cans. I popped a couple of vicodin, took a couple of ibuprofen and crashed. The severe pain went away after an hour, and now, 3 days later, I have the dull burn feeling in my dominant hand with all my blisters intact, of course, I can't close my hand well. Even after all the washing and soaking, it still smells like gunpowder.
tl;dr I burned the hell out of my hand by lighting multiple sparklers at once.
weims03: If you didn't blow a finger off then it wasn't a successful 4th of July.
caffeinefueled: I believe you need to blow up a small part of the country in order for it to be a successful 4th of july
| 3 | 1 | |
1404739752 | 1404746057 | t3_2a1ozn | t5_2to41 | 11 | PM_ME_UR_SOMETHING: TIFU by flipping over my office chait
So I'm interning with a company for my second year, and I got an office with a computer (from which I'm currently posting this) which last year was occupied by a guy who quit. So I get out of my chair, and I notice a screw fell out. No problem, I flip the chair upside down on the desk to screw it back in. The guy who had used the chair before me had been using it as his personal booger wiper. The front and two sides were coated in crusty boogers. I quickly put the screw in and put the chair back on the ground and washed my hands for like ten minutes. I don't think I'll ever feel clean again.
jneg: You should secretly swap your chair with someone else's and let them have a chance to discover the treasure.
PM_ME_UR_SOMETHING: I would, but I got the one that is missing a wheel and everyone knows it (gotta love being the intern).
NoDiggityNoDoubt: A chair with a missing wheel sounds like a work hazard.
This place is too cheap to pony up $35 for a new set of wheels?
PM_ME_UR_SOMETHING: The only way I'd hurt myself in this chair, is if I lean waaayy back. They're going to be replacing the whole chair when they put a full time person in this office. In the mean time, I don't really care. It's stable, and I can sit in it fine.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: I've sat in plenty of chairs with a broken wheel, and it becomes a huge pain in the ass when you move around, or want to "lean way back" to stretch or just relax for a moment.
PM_ME_UR_SOMETHING: meh, I can understand where you're coming from, but I'm not really having an issue with it.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1404736064 | 1404747318 | t3_2a1kq0 | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by introducing my mother to porn bloopers.
This happened yesterday, but it's monday morning, and I've never been so thankful to be at work right now, and I really don't wanna go home... Ever.
So anyway, bit of background info. A couple of my friends occasionally link me to videos of porn bloopers which they find hilarious. On occasion they do give me a good chuckle, so I forward the links to some of my other friends as a bit of a laugh. Here's the story:
I was talking to my mum about some furniture I wanted to buy for my room, and rather than making her go up stairs (she has a bad back) I said I'd link it to her over facebook. So I quickly run up stairs, dopied the link and pasted it into the chat. Then ran back downstairs whilst asking "what do you think of that bad boy ?"
As I walked into the room I thought I could hear a familiar sound, followed by a short yelp. I rushed into the room, looked down at the laptop, and read the title of the video in horror. I had just linked my 59 year old mother to an ultimate porn bloopers compilation. The worst thing is that my mother isn't very tech-savvy and didn't know how to pause the video...
...I pathetically tried to apologise whilst a stunning young blonde was screaming her protest about having someone try to slip a raging boner in her shit box without doing the gentlemanly thing of asking first.
I didn't speak to my mum for the rest if the day, and decided to skip dinner. I'm now trying to decide whether I should confront the situation when I get home from work (I live at home with my parents) or spend the night adopting the fetal position on the end of my bed.
I'd always thought it kinda weird how often my friends link me to these videos... But at least they dont link them to their mothers.
TL;DR : When pasting a link to your mother on Facebook, make sure it is a link to some IKEA furniture, and not a Porn Bloopers Compilation.
Pm_ur_Top10MovieList: link?
StileAndProfile: For science?
IsThisJokeOld: ✔
| 4 | 7 | |
1404740799 | 1404773181 | t3_2a1qae | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by not wiping my ass.
A LITTLE BACKSTORY:
My Grandma owns a cleaning service. She usually calls my parents and ask them if they'd like a cleaning for free, and knowing my mom she always says yes. They usually clean my downstairs room, which consists of my computer, tv, xbox, drums and all that jazz.
THE TIFU PART:
So, at 7:00 I was sleeping soundly in my bed, and awoke to my dog barking at people outside. My mom opens the door and greets the cleaning ladies. No big deal. I was laying there thinking, what if they clean my downstairs room, would they find anything bad? Then it hit me like a like a pile of fuckin' bricks.
Last night my ass was really itchy, it was the townhall of itchville. So, I took a paper towel and cranked it up there. I used my finger to really dig it in, twisting and shouting. I pulled it out leaving a point of brownish shit precisely marked on the top.
Much better.
I then went back to doing what I was doing previously, on the computer playing MC. Got sleepy, and went to bed.
Next day (when I'm writing this)
The cleaning ladies are going to find a paper towel shaped like Mount Everest, with a dap of shit on the top of it instead of snow, just laying next to my computer.
I just heard them go down the stairs, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT,
After they're done I will check on the paper towel shit mountain, and give you guys an update.
TL;DR: Cleaning ladies are going to have an encounter with a paper towel coveted in smelly shit just laying cool and casual on my desk.
AshBoBash898: Dude, okay so normally I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I have this problem every day. I can wipe and wipe and wipe but never truly get clean until I go back in later to wipe again. Wtf is wrong with me? It happened after I gained fifteen pounds in high school and got worse after I had a kid.
i_go_to_uri: eat more fiber to get those solid dumperoos, you probably take slimy greasy dumps every morning and all afternoon it trickles down and haunts you
AshBoBash898: Actually, I'm not saying this to be rude, I eat pretty healthy for the most part and haven't noticed a difference. Even if it is one of those don't really have to wipe kind of dumps, I still end up having to wipe later. It's embarrassing considering I'm only 24. Luckily, my SO is understanding and sometimes has the same problem haha.
i_go_to_uri: i used to have it all the time but somehow less recently. i think because now i have a sit-all-day job as opposed to when i had a stand and walk all day job it was a lot worse then.
AshBoBash898: Yeah I'm constantly walking and lifting.
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1404705262 | 1404753426 | t3_2a0rk6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | bigbadbitches: TIFU by pissing at work
TIFU by pissing at work. I work on an assembly line in a factory that makes doors, I work a machine that cuts parts and i'm not supposed to leave my machine until the entirety of an order has been cut. it was about 3:45 pm. and the factory shut down is at 4 o'clock, I had drank about four water bottles full and my bladder was about to burst. I had about 10 pieces left to cut before I was done an order (about 5 minutes worth of work) and could finally use a washroom. but when I started my next run of parts a vacuum line burst and sent sawdust powder into the air making me need to sneeze so not thinking about it I let myself sneeze and I tensed up and ended up squeezing my bladder and making myself piss my pants. with only 15 minutes left in my shift, and only 5 minutes of work left to do. (it was a long, wet walk home.)
to top it off, I shot my hand into my pants as fast as I could (to cut of piss flow) and virtually sprinted to the washroom, a co worker ran after me thinking I was injured. he saw my soaking wet pants and asked what happened, I told him my water bottle fell over and burst open and splashed me with water. he then asked why I had my hand in my pants, so I told him I pinched my hand in my machine (which happened earlier in the day so I wasn't exactly Lying) showed him the blood blister and cut and from earlier and he believed the entire thing.
MrSulyvan: I had a really similar story, unfortunately I didn't need to piss. (I was 11, now I'm 17, it still haunts me)
bigbadbitches: that sounds incredibly painful. except this happened to me this week. and I am 17. how embarrassing is that?
| 3 | 3 | |
1404742159 | 1404886088 | t3_2a1s6a | t5_2to41 | 4 | Foreigncarwhipper: Tifu by not doing well on my AP us history exam
Tifu when i recieved my ap exam scores after waiting roughly 2 months and they were not what I was expecting. I took ap chem, ap english language and comp, and ap us history. So after praying for the past 2 weeks and doing lots of dua (more prayer), I am muslim, i went to apscore.org at exactly 8am this morning because that is when i could view my scores and got nervous because apparently so many students were checking their scores that the website was not working. Okay then, i will check later. I check 45 mins later and it is working so I log in with my collegeboard info and bam!! AP US HISTORY= 2. I swear my heart had a minor confarction when i saw that score. I honestly could not believe that I had done so poorly on the exam when it was sooo easy and i even finished with lots of time to spare and i checked over my answers. A few weeks before the exam, my teacher was showing us scenarios about scoring for the ap exam. Even these scenarios were surprising because she made it sound so easy to get a 5. She told us that you could miss half of the mc questions and score 5s on the free response questions and still get a 5. You could also only answer the first half of the multiple choice and do the free response and still get at least a four. This made me feel confident that I would get at least a 3 on it. I am a studious student and i bought the barrons flashcards and studdied from them a lot and i still managed to get a shameful 2. I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sure that I had recieved at least a 4. Believe me, i was praying for good scores and i was more concerned about my ap chem score so i put more pressure on praying for that because I thought i had apush in the bag. I am not sure what to do at this point. I was doing some research about having your test rescored and i will most likely do this. There were, however, a lot of storries about scores staying the same and they made me nervous. I learned that sometimes the testing service loses the free response portion of the test and only scores the multiple choice. I hope this is what happened becaue a 2 is inexplicable!
*somebody please give me some advice and possibly some comfort because i feel like my college admissions chances have been crushed by this devastating score. I will probably have to pay thousands of dollars now to take the class again in college*
Korihoko: I got a 3 on my apush exam my junior year. It honestly depends on what college you will be attending cause some wont even accept it. I was planning to go to OU and they accept 3s, so I was fine. May of my senior year comes around and my family tells me they can't afford it, so I go to SWOSU instead, a regional university. They accept 4s only.
SO, TL;DR Both my WHAP and APUSH scores are useless cause they are 3s.
I wouldn't sweat too much, just taking the class in high school will let you start off college with an easier course because you've been introduced to it all before and will make the college transition that much more smoother.
Foreigncarwhipper: Wow im sorry to hear that. But at any rate I am definitelty going to pay the $30 to have the multiple chpice section of my test rescored by hand in case the scantron machine messed something up. I read that sometimes if the answer sheet is only slightly bent, the machine will not read the bubbles correctly. I also read that sometimes the free response portion of the test is not matched with the multiple choice and is just completley left out, leaving only the multiple choice to stand for the score. I feel very sure that this is what happened because I was absolutely sure that I had passed it. So to make sure that the testing administration didnt not count my free response portion, i have to pay another $10 so they can ship it to my house so that i can know that they did not lose it. Its quite ridiculous if you think about it, paying $40 for something that was most likely college board's fault, but at least it lets me know that i did everything i could to try to resolve the problem. A lot of people, and so am I, are under the impression that college board makes these "grading mistakes" in order to collect money.
Korihoko: Dang....well I hope you the best OP! Maybe you'll even end up with a 5 for going through all that effort! (:
Foreigncarwhipper: Thank you for your kind words. I want at least a 3 because most colleges accept 3 but I cant argue against a 4 or a five.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1404722159 | 1404769776 | t3_2a18zt | t5_2to41 | 6 | Lenoh: TIFU by eating food at a quinceñera
*tl;dr I over-Scovilled my lips and they still feel waxy*
So I'm doing a security gig at a quinceñera (I'm a rent-a-cop, yes I know. A job's a job. Also the birthday girl looked really good, she'll be quite a catch for some dude!) and about 3 hours in, I get a rumbly in the old tumbly. I ask my commanding officer if I can duck out a little earlier than usual. (CA law states that every 3.5 hours -- or portion thereof -- you can legally take a break)
So I go in, and they have chips, rice, molé chicken (molé is a combination of chiles and chocolate -- with emphasis on the chile. It's actually rather good, if you can stand the heat), some chopped chicken in some unidentifiable green sauce (most likely more chiles), and tortillas steaming in foil (SO GOOD OHMAHGAH)
So I take some chips, a tortilla and molé chicken, am really careful not to get it on my uniform, and enjoy the chicken. I eat, it's hot, I nom some chips and the tortillas to combat the heat. As time goes by, my lips are getting drier and drier, even though I'm pretty much downing water like I'm about to go into a desert or something. Done with shift, go home, sleep.
I wake up the next day and my lips are STILL waxy. D: (And as a bonus, while writing this, my upper lip split a little!)
soparamens: * at a Quince Años Party.
Quinceañera is referred to the girl who is being celebrated.
Lenoh: TIL this. And I'm half Mexican.
In my defense, in my 27 years, this was my first Quince Años party I'd ever been to.
| 3 | 2 | |
1404742263 | 1404747358 | t3_2a1sby | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU - By getting really drunk and ruining something that had potential to be awesome.
**BACK STORY:** This occurred on the 4th. I went to a BBQ at a girls place that I have been hooking up / kinda seeing. It is still early on so I don't know where it stands/stood at this point. The entire crowd consisted of her friends, many of which I have meet previously but also a lot of new ones. The day was going great, drinking beers, grilling out front. I got tasked with grilling. No problem I like grilling. The day is progressing nicely we are all sitting around having a good time. Eventually we make our way to where we can see the fireworks and then proceed to head back.
**THE FUCK UP:** This is when things get very fuzzy for me. All I remember from then is getting really angry being a dick and grabbing my stuff sans my shoes getting on my bike and riding it home. I woke up with everything still very fuzzy and checked my phone. I sent her a text around 1:30AM saying "Hey what a shock. Got home on my own. Next time I am going to be treated like a child give me a heads up so I don't come." I do remember her trying to calm me down and telling me not to ride my bike home. Which explains the first two sentences of that. However, all I can deduct from the last sentence is that her friends tried to help me because I was so drunk and for some reason I wanted no help.
**THE AFTERMATH:** We texted a little bit the next day, mostly just me apologizing because I do really feel bad and she is an awesome girl. I thought everything was going well until this fuck up. I really wish I could take it back but I can't. All I can do now is apologize and hopefully she gives me another shot.
I have spent the rest of the weekend just trying to figure out what the hell caused me to get so angry. It is very out of character for me to be an angry drunk (I don't think Whiskey was drank, and I avoid Whiskey for the reason that it does that to me). I am typically a very happy go lucky drunk.
**TL:DR** Got really drunk in front a girl I like friend's, got angry and stormed away like a dick.
Jackal115: I love the format of this one.
dear_luna: Agreed
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1404747323 | 1404796320 | t3_2a206q | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by downloading pornography at my parents house (NSFW)
I am 20 years old, employed and living on my own. Although I pay my own bills, I still spend a lot of time with my family. My parents house is ten minutes away from my apartment, and I like to do my laundry there and still eat over a lot. I also do my "downloading" at my parents. I pay for Comcast at my apartment, and my parents pay for century link. While I lived with my parents in high school I had no problems downloading movies, music and everything else. Since I know Comcast doesn't allow torrents, I always do it at my parents because years of experience made me assume it was safe and Century Link didn't care.
I am a man and I have needs. The need to jack off to porn. While I do know about free pornography I have "unusual tastes". I've got a thing for some weird porn every one in a while. One of these types of porn would be femdom. Everyone has their thing, and I like to "spice it up" every one in a while. I have paid for porn before. For two seperate months I paid for Glenn King's http://meanworld.com/ and I don't regret it. But I don't have a lot of my money, and I'm not trying to spend 30 a month on porn.
Recently Glenn King has release some DVD's known as "When Pornstars Attack" featuring ridiculous scenarios of women attacking men and having sex with them. I intended to jack off to this DVD, so while I was at my parents I downloaded the movie from the piratebay.
Woke up this morning to the texts from my lovely 40 year old mother that century link had shut down their internet. She got it restored, but now there is a settlement fee for 250 dollars. It specifically said the movie "When Pornstars Attack" was shared peer to peer.
Looked up the price, the movie is usually sold for 30 dollars. I watched it last night, it was alright. Maybe worth 30, definitely not 250 dollars and the same it brought me in the eyes of my mother.
KennyFulgencio: i take offense at your use of the word "ridiculous"
bearsex: There was a scene where a man rubbed a magic lamp, wished girls were attracted to him, then had a hot blonde chick bust into his house and fuck him. This is unusual and ridiculous is my life.
| 3 | 3 | |
1404692755 | 1404772859 | t3_2a0a6u | t5_2to41 | 6 | heartbrokenlamas: TIFU by playing in the water at the beach
Ok, so I was at the beach with my brother and his friend doing beach stuff. Playing in the sand, collecting shells , splashing in the water. Then we had the idea of sitting in the ocean and be pushed back to shore by the waves. As I was being pushed back to the shore, sand got in my trunks. In itched but I ignored it and continued to play. When I got home, I was about to take a shower when tons of sand and sand crabs fell out. LIVE SAND CRABS CRAWLING IN MY TRUNKS!!! At this point I screamed and slipped onto the sink where I busted my lip and blood was everywhere. so yeah, TIFU.
Fogo123: Are you sure those craps were from the ocean?
heartbrokenlamas: well, on the bay, which was covered in some ocean water when the waves came in so yeah.
| 3 | 2 | |
1404748221 | 1404749445 | t3_2a21ng | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by jacking off while waiting for my noodles to cook.
I woke up around 11AM after a long night, and I realized I was the only one home. I had a huge craving for pasta so I went to my kitchen and whipped out a pot and put some fresh Penne in it, and I started to boil it. My hunger was off the charts and I really needed to fill my belly, so while the noodles boiled I needed to find a way to pass the time. You know where this part is headed. I didn't know when any of my relatives were getting home, so I went in the bathroom to do it, and I locked the door. Big mistake. We've kept this particular door open with a door stopper for about a week now, because the inside part of the door doesn't have a handle anymore. Thus meaning there's nothing to twist to get back out. I was going in to pull off a quickie, but I ended up with locking myself in a 6 x 6 bathroom while my stove ran on high power. This bathroom has no windows, so I had no way to get out. To make things worse, I was in the middle of jacking off, so I had Vaseline all over my hands. I was also in the midst of taking a shit, and what do you know, no toilet paper. After about 5 minutes of thinking about how I'm gonna make my escape, my fire alarm goes off. Apparently i burned the noodles, or something was burning at least as a result of the flame from my open stove. My fire alarm automatically calls 911, so now I had firefighters coming to my house to stop a pasta fire. I say down on the toilet, covered in Vaseline, sweat, and shame, mid crap, locked in a bathroom, as firefighters are nearing my house. It was an awkward situation to explain, and one of the moments I'm going to try to forget has ever happened.
4ofN: wait a minute. You jack off WHILE taking a shit?
... and you have vasoline on both hands? How were you expecting to wipe even if you did have toilet paper?
asmonder: Yeah. I was thinking the same thing...what?
| 3 | 1 | |
1404748414 | 1404749331 | t3_2a21z3 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Wahnsinnn: TIFU by emailing a potentially offensive message to coworkers.
So I've been at my job for roughly 8 months now and have a good group of friends in my little "area". We've all got similar senses of humour, but this isn't exactly what I had planned.
Basically I emailed 2 coworkers a photo of that
[MFW Americans call...](http://i.imgur.com/J2idkVn.png)
Image.
I didn't check it all mistaking it for another image of similar jokes when I realized there is a sort of passé rape joke in the image. Now I'm sweating bullets since I'm fearing HR action.
PM_ME_UR_SEXY_TITS: Wouldnt sweat over it. Always can claim ya only read a few before you emailed it out.
Wahnsinnn: They're friends at work and all. We've talked about sex and such in passing on breaks and even while at our cubicles. That's if they even report it to HR, I could be fucked.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404750416 | 1404752594 | t3_2a25jr | t5_2to41 | 12 | SugarSpiceMarshMelow: TIFU by telling my husband my weird fetishes and actually doing it
I have always had weird fetishes and I realized that reddit is the best place for me to say this. Since I started dating my then boyfriend now husband I have alwayst tried to beg him to allow me to shit together with him. Not only in the same toilet but same toilet bowl.... All these while he thought it was a joke
I really do not know why I like it maybe because I feel that we will love eachother more ..
Back to the story, today I decided to enter the toilet when my husband was shitting and I actually took off my pants and fight for toilet bowl space with him.
Well yes he got shocked and went all WTF on me... He immediately wiped his butt and left the toilet.
It has been a few hours and he isn't replying to my text :(
Octopus_Tetris: Oh wow. Don't you worry about his shitwater splashing your ass, or vice versa? I'm sorry, but this is damn hilarious!
Don't worry, though. He'll get over it and realize how funny it actually is.
SugarSpiceMarshMelow: Well what I wanted to do was just immediately flush once we shit. But I didn't get the chance to do it...
I hope he gets over it actually. I bet he can't imagine his sweet wife doing this.
Octopus_Tetris: Oh he definitely can now.
| 4 | 3 | |
1404693754 | 1404792361 | t3_2a0bmc | t5_2to41 | 4 | KepHart: TIFU by adjusting a screen and needing new drywall
The air conditioner was in the window and the screen wasn't all the way to the top. So I opened the top window and fixed the screen. When I closed the window, it pulled the bottom half up, releasing my air conditioner from the second floor onto the brick patio. It was plugged in. It took the outlet, the housing, and a few inches diameter of drywall with it and the wires broke in the box. So I've spent the last 3 hours refitting the drywall, painting it, replacing the outlet with housing, and fixing the patio.
I told my wife the air conditioner stopped working; that's why it's in the shed. It'll have to just be a warm night.
Silverlight42: TIFU again by lying to my wife...
KepHart: I didn't lie. She just hasn't asked. Not yet, at least.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404750484 | 1404829855 | t3_2a25oi | t5_2to41 | 203 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking I was home alone and furiously masturbating. For a couple hours.
So, I'm off work today, and when I woke up this morning, I assumed I was home alone as I took this day off to be alone and my fiancé and my mother knew that. (Work has been extremely stressful, fiancé and I are staying here to save up for wedding and a house) Now, I usually check JUST IN CASE someone is home, but this morning fiancé left me high and wet, teasing me and insisting I wait for him to get home so I really didn't feel like getting out of bed to check and she NEVER calls into work so I figured "Fuck it, I know I'm alone." I then proceeded to watch some naughty videos, loudly, from my mobile device. Like, several of them. Loudly. Did I mention it was loud?
I then went to town, slowly, then quickly, then slowly again, and switching videos, teasing myself as fiancé had. Then I finally finished in one loud moan of extacsy. Well, that wasn't enough so I went into the bathroom, where I then began about a 20 minute long sesh. (I am one of those lucky ones who can orgasm about 6 times in a row, no problemo) and after several fantasies, finally relaxed unlike I've been in several weeks, I mosey on into the kitchen to grab something to feed my ravished body.
That's when I see it. Her car is in the driveway. "Oh.my.god." I shout. Then I peer toward her door down the hallway and it was ever so slightly opened, as if she tried to walk out, then noped the fuck out and crawled back into her dark hole of a bedroom, likely trying to drown out the sounds of her child watching porn and feverishly masturbating like a 13 year old boy. I ran to my room, slammed the door, turned on the TV and haven't opened my door since. I am mortified.
tl;dr: Watched porn loudly, feverishly masturbated for a couple hours, got up and realized mom was home the entire time, hiding in her room from my attempt at a relaxing day.
garrrrrrr: Are you male or female?
HelloIA: Well can you orgasm six times in a row?
i_pk_pjers_i: I can go like 5-6 times in a day and I'm male... Does that count?
HelloIA: Can you orgasm six times **in a row**?
Unicornpants: Technically that is in a row. Unless he masturbates and doesn't cum then he's still golden. Kinda. I mean, by that logic I'm on a very high cum streak but still. Kinda, technically, maybe makes sense.
| 6 | 33.833333 | |
1404752623 | 1404958378 | t3_2a29ic | t5_2to41 | 172 | loranmcgee: TIFU by walking into a glass door
I came home fairly late from work today and I haven't had anything left in my fridge, so I decided to eat something at a local fast food place (think McDonalds, but smaller, more local, and with schnitzel instead of burgers). It's summer here in Austria, and said fast food place usually keeps their doors open until sunset if it's warm. Today was a warm day, but it was unusually warm.
I noticed the closed door when walking into the place, but while walking out, my mind was already somewhere else. Cue a loud 'Klonk!' and an 'Oh my god!' coming from the waitress. I commented on the fact that the doors are closed today, on the excellent cleaning job on the windows, and left.
DIA13OLICAL: Are you Canadian?
loranmcgee: Nope, Austrian (there is a hint in the post)
DIA13OLICAL: Haha, I know. It was just a very Canadian thing to compliment someone for doing something that lead to your fuck up.
xxsns: We austrians are a friendly bunch ourself :<
Pure_Michigan_: Its not your turn yet.
xxsns: I guess I have to start being a dick then o:
Pure_Michigan_: It was during the day in the US! You guys got the night shift ! Lol
| 8 | 21.5 | |
1404753056 | 1404789554 | t3_2a2a9n | t5_2to41 | 163 | Dannymaxload: TIFU- By Going to College Orientation
I'm a 18 year old male about to start my freshman year at college. The school that I am attending has a 3day/2night orientation for students to socialize and understand the college.
My friend and I, lets call her Katie, decided to schedule our orientations on the same day, and stay in on campus housing. Both Katie and I are very social people and wanted to use Orientation as an early start to make friends. I wanted to make a good impression, so I laid out every single outfit I would wear for each day. The first day I chose my flannel shirt and my bright white pants.
On the first day of orientation the check in time was from 6:00pm-9:00pm. Naturally, Katie and I showed up at 6:01. We separated and went to our assigned, temporary dorm rooms. As soon as I was in the room I knew I had to release the pressure that had been building in my bowels; I threw my backpack and bed sheets across the room and ran into the bathroom to do my business. The movement was very regular, nothing out the ordinary (I'm very good at getting my recommended amount of fiber.) I went to wipe and did my best. Little did I know that my 'best' would be my downfall...
Two hours later Katie and I relaxing in the pod (common room area) on our floor with about 30 other kids and an O-team leader (Orientation leader). We are all having a lot of fun and I'm really on my social A-game. It took a lot of work to keep up all the energy I had, so naturally I was sweating a little. The night was going on and it was around 11:00pm. I had gotten up numerous amounts of times to talk to people and socialize, I even found my two roommates for fall!
I finally decided to do the responsible thing and head to my dorm to rest for the next day. Upon arriving I took off my pants and found my worst nightmare... On the back of my pants was a two inch circle of hazel liquid, and in the middle was a darker brown pupil, starring at me, mocking me! Swamp ass had taken on a whole knew meaning. I threw the pants across the room and fell to my knees. I experienced what I would call a 'cringe seizure'. I couldn't move, I could not talk. All I could do was stare into the emptiness of the room and think about all the people who had ass-to-eye contact with my brown hole. And then I remembered, that this was only the first day of 3.
TL;DR Beware of the Brown eye.
vaydra: White clothes always abide by murphy's law.
Also I think you're going to my university, and there's so many people here, nobody's going to care. It's chill, and anyways, you're bound to meet someone with a much worse "experience."
Dannymaxload: Curious: what university do you think I mean?
vaydra: UCF, do I win?
Dannymaxload: You want my pants?
vaydra: That's quite alright, I wouldn't want to part you and your happy memories.
the_winter_storm: That's quite honorable of you.
| 7 | 23.285714 | |
1404754451 | 1404799233 | t3_2a2cvb | t5_2to41 | 127 | ChefSaltyBallz: TIFU by emailing under the alias 'Fuhrer Habib'
Today my manager tells me to email a digital printing company and order 60 flyers for the swimming pool at which I work. I go into Gmail, unaware that I am still logged into my alternate Gmail account which is named 'Fuhrer Habib'. So at any time now, this digital printing company is going to get an email from someone name Furher Habib. But wait, it get's worse. That Gmail also happens to be linked to a throwaway youtube account with only one video ever posted; So if these people do a little bit of research on 'Fuhrer Habib' they will soon find this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyc4v5ppLck. Goodbye job.
Pic of the account: http://i.imgur.com/gKC3o9u.png
DoYouEvenHaikuBro: Wrong email login
Instant regret, butt puckered
So fast it whistled
FuckinUpMyZoom: you don't know the meaning of "butt puckered" until you're on a motorcycle doing 60 and someone pulls out in front of you like a slug.
BuildStuffBreakStuff: Damn right. That's how I lost my last bike. RIP cx650 aka Bae...
ohlookahipster: I've witnessed this in traffic. Even snuggled safe inside a 6,000lb death tube, my butt hole puckered.
epiphany_cookie: Now kith
| 6 | 21.166667 | |
1404754950 | 1404806488 | t3_2a2ds3 | t5_2to41 | 104 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing jeans straight out of the dryer.
I was in a hurry, decided not to wear boxers and the zipper was hot as fuck. My loins are still on fire.
PM_ME_Your_Best_Part: Ouch! I hate jeans out the dryer simply because they're tight. Day old jeans are the best.
beardface84: Got to disagree here, the tighter the better!
wormspeaker: Obligatory: "That's what she said."
On a related note, Jeans directly out of the dryer on a cold winter's day is just about the closest thing to ecstasy that you can acchieve while having said pants actually on.
beardface84: Pants in the microwave, socks in the toaster. Or just put your whole outfit in the oven to warm it up. Sounds legit
wormspeaker: I don't know. Seems like putting them in the dryer would be easier if you actually have one. On the other hand, socks in the toaster oven (if you were careful about watching them) could be awesome on a cold day.
beardface84: Warm clothes rule in general.
| 7 | 14.857143 | |
1404750630 | 1404787080 | t3_2a25yj | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a towel on the floor
Me and my now ex-girlfriend are bored sitting around the living room area. Our relationship at the time was doing great and we tear off each others clothes any chance we got. Well her parents are gone and her older brother, who introduced us, is getting ready for a shower. We hear the water running so we start going at it like rabbits. My ex has some kind of birth control in her arm so i was allowed to finish in her. Well after we finish we needed something to clean ourselves off with. First thing I see is a maroon towel I used earlier for my shower. So I grab it and we proceed to clean up and get dressed. A few minutes later her brother walks in to ask me if I wanted to smoke with him. I noticed his face was a little dry so I tell him to use some lotion. Being in his sister's room there was lotion so he grabs some and uses enough for his whole body. I now tell him he looks like he dunked his face in a bucket of vegetable oil and to clean it off. I turn my head to ask his sister for a hand towel when the inevitable happened. He grabs the still moist towel and rubs his face with it. I yelled for him to stop but was half a second too late. The face he made when the towel went down was a sign of horror. I start laughing while his sister is freaking out. I kept telling him he didn't want to know but later caved in. He never used lotion for as long as I was with his sister.
[deleted]: You and her brother were way too close....what dude tells another dude to lotion?
Psychosis_: bro if somebody is ashy you don't let them walk around lookin like they let a ghost ride their face
[deleted]: Gonna go out on a limb then and guess this isn't a white people thing.
andylawa42: Its a black thing.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1404755476 | 1404768350 | t3_2a2er8 | t5_2to41 | 26 | IAnsMathProbs4TitPic: TIFU By getting peed on by grandma.
Ok, so every year my family goes scalloping in aripeka FL around this time of year. So just like any other year, we are out on the pontoon boat, at the usual spot, throwing scallops onto the boat, while my dad shucks them. I'm not having the best of luck, so I decide to start looking under the boat in between the two pontoons. I dive under the water and enter from the left side, just to find my older brother already under the boat, and he's like "shhhhhh" *places finger to lips* "mom is right there, I'm gonna scare the shit out of her, and pretend to be a shark". And me, being the person that I am, decide that I don't want to warn my mom, because it will be funny, but I also don't want to be caught conspiring with my brother to scare her. So I came in from the left side, i can't go out the back because of the motor, and I can't go out the front because it would alert my mother. I dive back under and attempt the exit out the right side. When I surface, I hear my uncle start to laugh, than my mom shriek...i think to myself, why is he laughing before she was scared...than I feel a warming sensation on top of my head, and I realize that my uncle is pointing at me, because my grandmother is right above me, pissing on my head. I swim down and away, trying to wash away the shame, thinking "FOREVER UNCLEAN"
sbstnb: Did you look up?
incrediblebro: OP plz
IAnsMathProbs4TitPic: That was my first instinct, but after about 40 degrees of rotating my neck, I dunked my head under...so yes I looked up
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1404757552 | 1404764204 | t3_2a2iln | t5_2to41 | 139 | Mind-Reflections: TIFU by sending the whole office my honest opinions of every staff member.
I'll keep it short and sweet. Our office is doing this random anonymous email, where we all detail what we like about each person, or if we don't like anything about a particular someone, to move on from their name. I decided to have a little fun and put what I really thought of every single person in the office and thought maybe the one guy in charge of it all would get a laugh too.
As soon as I finished I went to hit reply, but saw in the address bar, his name as well as "Staff" was highlighted. [It was too late](http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lso6d2OLz21r0byljo1_250.gif) it had already been sent. I quickly followed up with, "yep. I sent that to the whole staff." All of this happened less than 5 minutes ago. No replies yet, and the office is quite. Too quite.
no regrets. RIP in peace.
Edit: it's quite quiet
[deleted]: Much too quite...
robly18: The quiteness is overwhelming.
cosmist: rest in peace in peace.
Mind-Reflections: Sounds spoopy
FinalPerfectZero: Quite.
| 6 | 23.166667 | |
1404761001 | 1405121027 | t3_2a2oyw | t5_2to41 | 44 | GG_noob_GG: TIFU by doing work experience. NSFW
So here in England it's common to do work experience (as I'm sure it is in many other countries) , which is where we go in to a company, or in my case the local council, for a week or two. The idea is that we help them out, or just observe what they're doing and how they're doing it; skills required etc. all that waffle. We're then supposed to use the experience to our advantage, and it's is useful to talk about when it comes to a job interview.
It was going well. Until after the lunch break.
I had my iPad with me and they suggested I connect to the WiFi so I can have a look at the website and non-classified part of their intranet. To be honest, it sounded like a brilliant idea at the time. So I enthusiastically complied as the staff gathered around me.
However, I was horny the night before..........
can you see where this is going?!
I open up chrome, what do they see? Thumbnails of people fucking. I had left my iPad on standby and forgotten to close the damn incognito tab.
I don't think I'll be putting this work experience on my CV.
jfb3: Don't worry. They don't care. They won't hold this against you unless you suck at the job.
GG_noob_GG: Yeah. It was mainly the embarrassment that was killing me. Also the way that they kept giving me strange looks. Thank God it's over now.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1404763542 | 1404770203 | t3_2a2tlc | t5_2to41 | 10 | rifup: TIFU- I tried to touch my friend's(female) "cookie". (also it wasn't today)
So I recently had dinner with a friend (with the potential of being more than friends). Nice girl, pretty, and good personality. Everything was going good that night. While I made dinner, during dinner and after dinner we did a lot of talking while drinking some wine. We eventually did some kissing and caressing and more talking. It was getting a little late (1AM) and she said she was going home. So I said ok. She got her stuff together and I stood right in front of her and kissed and caressed her some more for a few minutes. She said she really had to go, so we walked towards the door and I playfully reached for the "cookie" and she held my hand and said no stop, as we got to the door I playfully did it two more times she said stop, I said ok and then walked her to her car. She said thanks for dinner, said she had a good time and text me once she got home.
That following afternoon I text her saying how much I enjoyed her company and was glad she liked my cooking. And she replied
saying sorry its not going to work out, she cant be with a guy that makes her feel uncomfortable and nervous and didn't like how
aggressive I was with her. I inquired more, just to get specifics because I was having a WTF moment from what she said. I had no
inclination that she was feeling that way, based on how the night ended. It turns out that when I reached in to her crotch area
(even though I did not make contact. And it was in a playful manner.) and she told me to stop, I did not stop right away.
This was the reason. Instead of apologizing right away, I got a bit defensive and responded to her text by saying, "I did more the last time you came by my house than what I did last night". I tried to justify my actions. Yeah I know, I dug the hole a little bit deeper. So I sent a brief message saying "I'm sorry, I fucked up".
A full day had passed and having more time to think about what happened, I decided to send her a more meaningful apology that she deserved, accepting full blame for my actions. Noting that what ever happened prior should have no bearing on what happened at that moment and I should have stopped the first time she said it, etc. She has not responded to my apology. The obligatory unfriending from social networks had begun. I had fucked up big time.
It was a sinking feeling. I realized I just lost a friend. I realized how I made her feel. I'm feeling like such a fucking creep because my desires got the better of me. I should have known better. If she wanted it to happen she would have let it happen with little effort from me.
TLDR; Stop means stop. I didn't listen to my friend, and now I lost her.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Something else is going on with her; possibly she was molested at some point.
You dodged a bullet. Don't beat yourself up.
\*To anyone downvoting this, I'm probably correct. Actions like this are common with those who were molested when younger. And while claiming he dodged a bullet may come off as harsh, it's the truth. There's nothing worse than dealing with the emotional damage of someone you care about. But, one thing that's as true as death is certain: you will get over shit like this, and there's no point in dragging out the recovery process.
rifup: Easier said than done. But managing.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: How long ago did this happen?
rifup: 5 days ago
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Well, you're now far enough along where your feelings will start changing over the next few days, to a point where you won't give a shit come the weekend.
Go out hiking, do shit, be "social."
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1404764617 | 1404767094 | t3_2a2vhn | t5_2to41 | 11 | ApRaXiA-: TIFU by Leaving Wallet in My Car
(TIFU) Never leave your wallet in you're vehicle even if it is out of sight; Someone broke into my car last night, along with several others and walked away with my Social Security Card, Birth Certificate, Drivers License, Military ID and every card in my wallet. Moral of they story is do not keep important documents such as these together in one place, especially not in wallet in your car. (TIFU)
Cama2695: Seems obvious
ApRaXiA-: Apparently, not obvious enough didn't even cross my mind, but this is definitely a life lesson.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1404767562 | 1404786459 | t3_2a30ym | t5_2to41 | 99 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing to hard after sex
So last week I was having sex with my best friend who I had been wanting to sleep with for a long time. Now a background of sexual history, I've slept with a couple of different guys but nothing too special, pretty boring. But this guy was amazing. Onward with the story. So after getting hot and heavy he flipped me around and we started doing it doggie style, and he was going pretty fast. He finally got off and as he was pulling out, a farting noise followed. I got so embarrassed because not once in my sexual history has this ever happened. So I bent over laughing because I found it absolutely hilarious, but was also trying to mask my embarrassment. Now I was still bent over from the position I was in from sex, laughing my ass off from the vagina fart (to which he assured me was a problem with a lot of girls he's slept with) that I didn't realize my stomach was making noises. By the time I realized it was to late and as I was laughing, I farted from my ass. He just looked at me with wide eyes and said nothing.
Tl;dr: had sex with best friend, he took me so hard I queefed when he pulled out, laughed to hard with butt still in the air that I let it rip by accident . *sigh*
Edit: we laughed about it afterwards and still have sex quite often. It was just a very embarrassing experience for us both.
AshBoBash898: I had a vagina fart happen with my first boyfriend and he didn't know what it was so he decided to shove me over and yell what the fuck is wrong with you..and then I started crying.
AceDeuce77: What a dick, that happens like 60% of the time in sex
AshBoBash898: Definitely. Especially when you're getting it from behind lol.
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1404766325 | 1404834221 | t3_2a2ykk | t5_2to41 | 3 | manwalker1: TIFU Leaving work early before a holiday...
This was Thursday last week (3rd of July). I had finished up all my work and helped out another Associate and was done with everything around 1:00. My dad texts me and asks if I want to golf back home around 3:45ish (45min away from where i work/live). I say sure because I was done with all my stuff and even helped finish a co-workers stuff. But of course I "forgot" to tell my boss when I left at 3. In my defense, he is a new president and was in his office with someone else for at least 2 hours. I didn't feel like interrupting his meeting to ask if I could leave, and since I really wanted to golf I figured I would just leave and he wouldn't notice, being a holiday and all. So he calls me into his office today and asks when I left Thursday and tries to act hard and say that hes the boss now and that I need to get approval through him before I do stuff like that. I tell him that I finished all of my stuff and helped other co-workers finish theirs as well but he doesn't care. I really wanted to say a lot of other things but I knew I was in the wrong.
TIFU by working hard and getting my (and other peoples) shit done and leaving early for a holiday weekend and getting yelled at by my boss.
Teotwawki69: Are you getting paid by the hour or are you salaried? If the former, your boss is right. If the latter, you are, although you're still being a bit whiny about it.
manwalker1: Salary and our hours aren't tracked, isn't that what Reddit is for? to complain and be whiny?
| 3 | 1 | |
1404767527 | 1404778589 | t3_2a30wf | t5_2to41 | 29 | lifeisnotathrowaway: TIFU by accidentally leaving my AirPlay on.
So, this happened literally 5 minutes ago and I thought the best thing to do was immediately leave and post my fuck up on reddit.
So, my friend and I were watching videos on my phone through the TV, which was connected to the AppleTV. After about 3 hours of doing this he goes up stairs to go to the toilet. I proceed to use my phone to text this girl. We start to exchange nudes and the second after I take my picture, it instantly projected on the TV in my friend's family room, with their entire family in there and me sat in the other room staring through the gap in the door instantly shitting myself. I immediately took it off the screen and proceeded to leave the room.
f_unit: Wait, you had time to take your clothes off and send a couple of texts to a girl while your friend was upstairs? How long does the dude normally spend on the toilet?
nb: kudos for posting a tifu that actually happened today. Nice one.
TotallyNotKanye: Maybe he had the dick pic already saved on his phone ready for sexting.
f_unit: Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that. That way you can take a bunch of pictures before hand and send the best ones. Makes sense.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1404771718 | 1404846591 | t3_2a38jc | t5_2to41 | 347 | jjmieds: TIFU by having sex when my girlfriend's family was home
My girlfriend had been on vacation for two weeks. Even with tugging my wanker, I was desperate to get my tip wet. She arrived on a nice Saturday afternoon, and I was there waiting. I helped her family unload the car and headed inside. Without hesitation we both headed to the basement couch. The scene of the crime. We began making out when she stopped, and told me those four dreadful words.. "I'm on my period." Now we have had sex before while she was on her period, so I didn't see this as a huge delay. One thing led to another, and there we were, against her basement wall, having sex. Her older sister and parents were walking around upstairs, but I didn't care because they rarely came down. Not five minutes went by when I heard a scream. I looked to my right and there was her sister, jaw to the floor. I looked down and there I was, butt naked, her blood running down my leg. I couldn't move, I was frozen in shock and fear. A few moments later her parents stood there, jaws to the floor. Seeing the same site her sister had just witnessed. That was undoubtably the one of the worst days of my life. And yes, that was the end of that relationship.
IBitchSLAPYourASS: Who ended it?
jjmieds: Her mom, basically.
6romperstomper9: Why? Because you had an opportunity to assert dominance, yet you froze.
xxsns: Yeah. You should have finished the job while looking them straight in the face all the way through.
6romperstomper9: With teeth clenched. Snarling.
Jan_The_Man: Then point towards the father and say "You're next!"
6romperstomper9: "Right after you" beckoning the older sister down the stairs.
sidewalksurfer6: Actually we don't know if she's older...
CrustyKestrel: Yes we do. "Her older sister and parents were walking around upstairs".
| 10 | 34.7 | |
1404770538 | 1404796495 | t3_2a36dw | t5_2to41 | 28 | originnnn: TIFU by chromecasting porn to the family tv NSFW
before i get into it (again!) let me briefly explain what a chromecast is, its a device that lets you stream content to a TV.
As with most grim tales this one starts in a blissful place, i was watching movies with my family and decided to bring down the chromecast from my room in my tv where it normally is.
Fast forward two days and i get home from a long day at work and i decided to enjoy a little session on my other favorite website beginning with "red" and i click cast tab to TV and nothing happens, so i think nothing of it and continue until i hear the front door close and a scream so gut wrenching from my mother...the rest is history as is eye contact in the house.
TLDR mother came home to porn playing in the front room
Fearlessguppy: ಠ_ಠ
ohlookahipster: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 3 | 9.333333 |
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