start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1404774413 | 1404816126 | t3_2a3czg | t5_2to41 | 25 | Matroiska: TIFU by calling a cute guy a fucking creep
So today I got a friendrequest on facebook and I didn't recognize the person at first, but after looking through his profile pictures I realised I've been chatting with him a little on some other site a while ago. On this site I don't even use my real name so I found the fact that he had looked me up on facebook a bit creepy.
I sent him a message on the other site asking "How did you find my facebook? Are you some kind of creep who searches up the full names of people you only had one minute chats with?"
He seemed a bit confused and told me he found me through mutual friends on fb and recognized me because we were at the same party in May, where I immediately remembered that talked. He did remember talking to me on the other site but that wasn't why he added me.
I have a mild case of face-dyslexia and now I feel bad.
I_kill_humour: So just fess up and own it. That wouldn't be a deal-breaker to me.
Matroiska: I did. Still feel bad though, I didn't give off the friendliest vibe.
ThreeHourRiverMan: This is probably a spot where you feel worse than it really bugs him. Just be friendly and self deprecating. Hell if you guys become actual friends you'll have a good story.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1404775183 | 1404793251 | t3_2a3e9f | t5_2to41 | 14 | concretecondom: TIFU By shooting a gun and almost killing my dog
Shot some birds with a 20 gauge while my golden retriever was sleeping. He woke up and had a seizure. I spent the next 20 minutes making sure he was still breathing and gonna make it.
TELL_ME_HOW-YOU_FEEL: I hope everything turned out right in the end :)
Oddly enough when I read your title, I thought you literally used your gun to shoot at another gun and then the bullet ricochet of of it and almost killed your dog
concretecondom: gun on gun on dog violence?
TELL_ME_HOW-YOU_FEEL: precisely.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1404774541 | 1404795620 | t3_2a3d6n | t5_2to41 | 310 | KingWithNoLand: TIFU by doing my job.
So I work at your friendly neighborhood family attraction in the photo department. It's our policy to try to break familes into groups so we can take, and therefore sell more photos. I take a familes photos, and offer to take a picture of the kids with there adorable little grandmother. Big mistake. The grandmother suddenly bust into tears and kids start consoling her. Cue the mom glaring at me and saying "That's not there grandma, that's there little sister who happens to have down syndrome!" I felt terrible, and didn't know what to do so so I apologized and she walked of threatening to talk to my boss. I'm fucked.
stinkerbell85: So I'd say it's more accurate that you fucked up by calling a child with Downs a grandmother.
hooe: No, OP's job is definitely to call kids with Downs grandmas.
darkgamr: I had a job like that once. The pay was great but the part where you have to call children with down syndrome grandma kinda sucked
MyCreatedAccount: But why, you have to spend most of your day trying not to offend people. I think it would be entertaining.
| 5 | 62 | |
1404775542 | 1404835398 | t3_2a3evo | t5_2to41 | 7 | SeesTheCarp: TIFU when a neighbor overheard me talking on the phone to the state about filing a construction violations complaint.
My neighbor is building an add-on to his house without a permit. The construction is shoddy at best, according to my civil-engineering friend.
I was loudly discussing the process of filing a complaint out on my deck when I realized that someone (probably his wife) could overhear me from their deck. Fuck me, I wanted this to be anonymous.
I'm looking for advice to de-escalate the situation if confronted.
My best idea so far: Since he DID tell me that he was getting a permit, I'm considering saying, "Yes, I did talk to the State, and they looked it up, and you DO have a permit, so you should post it to avoid further misunderstandings. So sorry for stressing you out!"
I'm confident he DOESN'T have a permit, but what can he say without contradicting himself?
Is this the best response?
JesusDied4HisSins: Why are you planning on filing a complaint? How does his construction project directly affect you? Is it the noise?
SeesTheCarp: No, the construction is just 10 feet from my house, and the structure will be taller than that. It could fall on my house. We live at 8400 ft, and footings are supposed to be below the freeze zone. The footings are only about 12" deep, not nearly deep enough for this area.
JesusDied4HisSins: Legitimate concerns. Sort of a bad situation you're in. You don't want to upset your neighbor, but you have rights for your property too. I've heard neighbors complain to community boards over the color of their neighbors' house, so that would be upsetting to me. I guess your approach was the best, except the part about speaking so loudly that they may have overheard you.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1404777355 | 1404789113 | t3_2a3hvg | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving away free pudding.
Note: I don't posses the whole story, and I'm getting most of it secondhand
So. Let it be said that I am not a smart man (or 16 year old boy). Or possess common sense. Or have any real social skills.
So. Today I made pudding on my own, and decided to give some of it to the neighbors. The neighbors across the street rather enjoyed it, and I made their day, so I decided to make more to give to more neighbors, however, I am incredibly reclusive, so not many people in the suburb know me, much less in the neighboring suburb.
I don't know what possessed me, but I decided to walk around the entire neighborhood and next door neighborhood to give away my pudding. Oddly enough, few people reacted, and few people took my pudding, but one of the final people who did mother came home, and posted online about how some stranger was giving away pudding.
The rest of the details are blurry, since I do not have access to that information, but from what I heard everyone flew into a panic trying to figure out who I was, my mother included, since I didn't introduce myself to anyone. It was only when she got home to find that I made pudding that she figured out that I was the wierdo that was giving the pudding away.
I have no idea whether or not anyone in the neighborhood trusts me anymore now, because now I am known as "Strange pudding man."
TL;DR I gave away pudding door to door, people freaked out, my mom had to preform cleanup duty.
FelineFucker: Man can't give out free pudding no more
[deleted]: what has this country become?
| 3 | 11 | |
1404778450 | 1404811741 | t3_2a3jpo | t5_2to41 | 2,740 | ThrowieAcc1234: TIFU By sending 22000 text messages
I work as a developer for a big telecom in my country. They asked me to make a program that monitored all the nationwide antennae. When my program detects that an antennae has an error it sends a text message to some people indicating the error and that it should be fixed.
My program is still on development, but is very close to production so I'm using real cellphones to test that the sending of messages works, so today I asked my boss to send me the list of cellphones that should get a message if an error is found. Well he sent me the cellphones of all the 'IT' staff in my city, like 50 people.
I should also mention that for my program to work correctly I have to turn off the firewall (still testing, will later add rules) and if the firewall is off, well every antennae reports an error.
So yes, I forgot to turn down the firewall in my testing machine and sent 450 text messages to every person in the 'IT' staff. They should still be getting messages...
Luckily my boss is pretty cool and I won't get fired for this mistake.
**EDIT: I DID NOT TURN OFF THE FIREWALL!! That's stupid.**
It's not really turning it off, but for the sake of brevity I said I did. And creating a rule per antennae is not trivial, especially if you don't have access to the company firewall.
What I have is a script that creates the rules in the company firewall, but it uses my boss' info to do that, because I don't have the clearance to access the firewall. Also, rules switch off after 10 minutes (company policy), so I have to constantly run the script.
We are in the process of getting a user only for my application that has all the rules for every antennae. We are to have a scheduled task run the script every 10 minutes so it is always on in the production machine. (Already talked with the security expert and he will be personally monitoring the firewall user. Or so he said).
jjmieds: That sucks. Although the subject line made my assume those texts were innropriate and to 22,000 different people. I'd say you're lucky (:
iRasha: I dont know, i would rather get 1 inappropriate text than 450 of the same one
BadBoyJH: Or he can have 50 people really pissed off, or 22,000 people annoyed.
Stompedyourhousewith: or 1 guy with a melted phone
Fromanderson: Unless that phone is an old Nokia! It would probably still have some battery power left.
Stompedyourhousewith: if it was a nokia, and it was set to vibrate, it would have drilled halfway to the earths core by now
wdmshmo: The deeper it gets, the more "liquid-like" the earth's crust/mantle becomes, so the easier it gets! Once that phone makes it to 12km, it'll be smooth sailing. Until the inner core, it'd be like a jet engine, accelerating faster and faster.
isubtothings: ...and then?
iSecks: Obviously it would take that momentum and head back out on the other side. Then, slowly go back and forth through the earth, slowing down until it finally rests in the center of the earth.
| 10 | 274 | |
1404777213 | 1404780701 | t3_2a3hnb | t5_2to41 | 10 | Figgywithit: TIFU by saying to my coworker's wife, "Oh, my wife is pregnant also!"
Not actually today, but recently happened at the company party. She was wearing a black dress, which had that maternity "look" to it. I blurted it out before my brain engaged. She is not pregnant. It was a very short conversation. Avoiding my co-worker today and for the rest of my life.
emailrob: Unless you see the head crowning, don't ever ever ever mention it.
Submitterher: ^^ this guy
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1404768431 | 1404808100 | t3_2a32kf | t5_2to41 | 68 | skullyD: TIFU by masturbating in the shower and slipping on my own jizz
I was getting some manly yard work done in the front yard of my house, having a few beers. I finish mowing the lawn and head inside to take a shower.
Before I hopped in I snagged a big whiff of my gracious stank of my dick and balls, we all know that smell right? I realized I haven't trimmed up big papi down then in a good fucking while, might be giving off extra stank, so I hop in the shower and begin my ball trimming.
As I move big papi around and cup my scrotum to shave in those difficult spots, I get turned on by myself. I immediately stop shaving and begin pounding away.
When the deed was done I continued shaving and washing my body.
The stank was gone, and all was well. I take a step to grab my towel and here is where I fucking slipped on my own seed.
I fucking slipped on my own jizz, never realized how slippery sperm was in the shower, mixed with water as well.
I make my fall and slammed my funny bone on the side of the tub and the right side of my face fell right into my jizz pile. Like I got slapped by a jizz pie in the face. What. The. FUCK.
I lay there and my first thought was, "Reddit is going. To. Love. This."
And here I am.
TL;DR: Ball stank, shaved balls, got horny, played handball, slipped on own seed and injured self with jizz on face.
darksalad2: Good, suffer ball shaver person who can't use any normal words whatsoever.
xxxtruckerxxx: Tips fedora
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1404779691 | 1405003380 | t3_2a3lr7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | InYourEndo01: TIFU by letting peer pressure get to me.
I decided that this might be a nice change from the semen, shit, and property damage threads. There's a lot of story, so 'ware your eyes.
So a few days ago, I was hanging out with a girl I've known for a few years. We're pretty good friends, and now that we were both single, we could be together without fear of consequences due to nefarious activities. 3/4 of the way through Dirty Dancing, her face intercepts mine, and we go for a little face eating. About an hour later, she's about to go down on me. I panic: I have not done any man scaping, and I'm rather hirsute (definition: hairy). I also remember that I'm supposed to hang out with another friend of mine that I had ditched by accident 3 times already. I lose my cool, and break the mood as she begins to go down my abs:
"Nice night out, isn't it?"
She stops, I stop, the movie stops, and time slows down: I just stopped the opportunity for a blow job. The first chance I've had at any sexual relation in 3 years, and I stopped it because hair and I thought about my best friend.
Horrible, right?
Wrong. It gets so much worse. Oh, so much more horrifying.
So I laugh to dispel the tension, and thankfully so did she. So we cuddle for a little bit, then I leave to go hang out with my friend for an hour. I promptly tell him he owes me decadent fellatio. His response? "Dude, you could have called me and told me you were getting laid. I would have told you to stay." I'm of course irritated. I fall asleep, wake up, and go to work for 12 hours. I get out, then head over to a friend of mine's house for Bro night. I proceed to tell my story so far, to which one responded, "that's the strangest way I've ever heard someone come out of the closet." Everyone is laughing at me and saying I should call her up and head over there and finish what I started.
So finally I call her and tell her I'm on my way over. She was asleep when she answered, so I go into her house and climb into her bed. A while later, were back where we left off. She's going down, and I'm not stopping her this time: no sir. It's dark, so I'm not seeing what she's doing, and then I feel it: the slight scratch of teeth. I am trying to get past the very uncomfortable pain, and keep my erection, so I grab her face and simply thrust into her mouth. After two or three, the first word she said since "hey there" was "ughkckhkhk". She moved away from me and ran into the bathroom. I'm laying on the bed, with my slightly less erect member, confused: what the fuck happened? She comes back and I say,"everything ok?" And she glared at me and said "you hit the back of my throat. No more of that." So, needless to say, not really all that thrilled, because she's rolling out the red carpet. Shark Week. So there wasn't going to be any insertion so to speak, and she really sucked (ha!) at giving blowjobs. So she's going, whatever, and she slides up and starts kissing me. I smoothly (?) Deflect her to the side, because her mouth was literally just on my lap dolphin. Time goes on and she leaves again, and comes back with the inside of her va-jayjay cleaned and lubed up. So I'm already tired, due to the work day and the fact that by then, I'd had a stiffy in full deployment mode for a good 2 hours. So we go at it for a few, and I go ahead and blow my load. Cuddle and pillow talk ensue, then sleep. I wake up bright and early to the purple helmeted warrior, upright and ready to be used and abused. Things pass, then intercourse. Before I spooge, I look down, and see blood. I'm not used to the sight of red fluid atop my DNA dispenser, and kinda lose composure.
Here's when it gets, ah, hairy.
I pull out, and my trouser trout is followed by a good dose of Vaginal inside stuff, and I get out of there quicker than a sorority girl on Sunday morning for church. I jump in the shower in order to clean off my mushroom tipped yogurt thrower.
I came (ha!) back out to help her clean up, and left asap. She hasn't spoken to me since, except to tell me I made her entire neck black.
Fuck me.
shitgingerssay: You knew she was on Shark week. Don't stick it in if you aren't prepared!
InYourEndo01: And that's one of the many ways I done fucked.
rayjirdeoxys: It takes a man to sail the Red Sea. Kudos.
AngryVaginaEater: It takes two to drink from it.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1404781645 | 1404786819 | t3_2a3ovd | t5_2to41 | 5 | -jub-: TIFU by shating myself during work
Silvermane2: You shit yourself.
Shat is the past tense of shit. Also, shat can NEVER be used with the -ING postfix... as it is a past tense word
The proper title would have been "TIFU by shitting myself during work and having exceedingly poor grammar later"
<3
Sorry you pooped.
-jub-: That's what I originally said, that's apparently not allowed.
Silvermane2: As this is the internet, I'm inclined not to believe you.
Again, sorry you pooped
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404782156 | 1404829866 | t3_2a3pnf | t5_2to41 | 6 | Be_Civil: TIFU by falling into an Amsterdam canal while pissing at the Anne Frank house.
I have a friend who lives in Amsterdam. I'm here visiting for a week of nothing but gentlemanly behavior, probably visiting a museum or some such hooker/weed establishment.
My friend also has a boat, and knows how to navigate the canals. He's lived here for years, so it's nothing to him, but I'm in some kind of surreal zone where my life feels like a spy movie. Sunglasses. A glass of scotch. On boat cruising Amsterdam canals. Yeah, I'm Bond at this point.
So he stops the boat at the Anne Frank house to tell some stories, being the cultured dude he honestly is. This is the point Bond decides he needs to piss. Over the side of the boat, directly at the Anne Frank house. Obviously.
So I'm saying something like "I'm not ok here...", and then I'm soaking wet in the canal. These canals are filthier than anything above ground in this city, legal or not. I'm writing this trying not to think about what kind of crap has soaked into my bloodstream, not to mention the fact I whipped out my piece in the middle of Amsterdam and pissed at the memorial of a national treasure.
So yeah, great trip. Already planning another visit in six months or so.
[deleted]: Amsterdam is like a second home to me. I lived there for 5 years and I go there all the time.
I have seen drunk people shit in the canals late at night. Hope you didn't swallow any of that water!
Be_Civil: Love Amsterdam. I was out quick spitting profusely, believe me.
| 3 | 2 | |
1404783222 | 1404789564 | t3_2a3rec | t5_2to41 | 15 | turdburger22: TIFU by trying a new supplement before going to the gym.
chrisar82: What color shat?
[deleted]: Shat coloured, I'd presume.
| 3 | 5 | |
1404783352 | 1404785260 | t3_2a3rly | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by texting my ex
My ex wouldn't talk to me for a while, so i texted her today to ask how she was feeling. She's talking to me again, but she told me she's started fooling around with some married guy where she works, she's made out with him and everything but "we've agreed to not have sex". it sounds like she's being used as a mistress. And apparently he's a better kisser than me. Because apparently because of me she likes older men even more. Thou shalt not commit adultery sir! For all I know she's blowing a guy and yet i had to work to get oral out of her! Took me a year and a half. So she says she likes older guys now, so idk if she's a slut or just sick of the generation. either way i am done with her and any thought of her. Was our love meaningless!? We spent TWO FUCKING YEARS TOGETHER!!!! We were each other's first kiss, make out, love, first second and third base, etc. But this is what you do now that you've dumped me?! Get with an older guy!? It took me a year and a half to get in your panties, and yet now all it takes is to be older than you so you can sneak into the stock room with some random MARRIED man!? IF you want to be with an older man you can bet that you'll spend at least FIVE years OLD SAD AND ALONE because he's dying first! And when you come crawling back to me when that happens, don't expect anything less than what you have done to me. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU YOU FUCKING SKANK!!! I wouldn't have known this at all if i hadn't had texted her today! My whole life has been turned around!
padajuann: And that's why you're single!
theblaze57: explain in five seconds or gtfo
padajuann: I don't even need to, buddy. Read over it for yourself and realise how much of an absolute bellend you sound.
theblaze57: well excuse my autism i'm just highly emotional. I was nothing but kind and caring so don't go calling me a bellend you wanker
padajuann: Really? Because you sound like a self pitying, woe is me douchebag.
You aren't and never were entitled to sex with this girl. Just because she's having sex with someone else doesn't give you the right to call her names. Get a grip and
theblaze57: well how about you go fuck yourself before i come to your house and deal with you?
padajuann: Oh. There it is again.
That reason why you're single! Autism is no excuse for your behaviour, especially when it's threatening. She's better off.
theblaze57: well look who thinks they can play God!
padajuann: .. how am I playing 'god'? I don't think you understand what that phrase means.
Look, you can either learn from this experience and stop being a total neckbeard douchebag and thinking us women owe you sex and that you're such a nice guy and get an attitude readjustment, or you can carry on making yourself look like a slabbering imbecile.
theblaze57: you should go. And i am not a neckbear douchebag, so shut your feminist mouth. I shave daily and i'm an eagle scout so shut your mouth. We both agreed on a time when the time for sex was right and we never got there. i find it insulting she's lowering her restrictions for some cheating man that she didn't even know five weeks ago!
padajuann: I'm not a feminist, you're just acting like a total fucking douchebag.
You're whining because you couldn't get sex out of her and now you're bitching because she's having sex with someone who isn't you? It's pathetic. Grow a pair. Her relationships are none of your business. Move on buddy.
| 12 | 0.916667 | |
1404785060 | 1404785796 | t3_2a3u8r | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a shortcut through the wrong part of town.
So I'm coming home from work on a Friday night after working overtime. There's lots of traffic tonight so I thought I might try a shortcut through a bad part of town. So I'm about halfway through the ghetto of my town, I'm a bit lost, so I pullover to the side to look up directions. Yep, right in front of a prostitute. I'm looking down at my phone and I hear a voice "You lookin' for somethin, honey?". Without looking up I say, knowing it's a prostitute, "Sorry, I'm not interested." "That's too bad, hun." she replies. I look up, and surprisingly, probably one of the top 10 most attractive girls I've ever seen in person is looking at me. It's a Friday night so I think "What the hell. How much is it?" "100$ for a night" she told me. So I thought, I'm alone, it's a Friday night, why not try it for once. I let her get in my car and we drove to a small, inexpensive motel nearby. I got a key to a room from the doorman, only 25$ a night, and let her in. She lies on the bed, in a seductive pose, and I went to the bathroom to put on cologne, to get the feeling right. We started making out, and she took my pants, but then I turned on the TV, and that's about the time she walked away from me. Nobody likes you when you're 23, and are still more amused by TV shows, what the hell is ADD? My friends say I should act my age, what's my age again? What's my age again?
[deleted]: A Blink 182 reference? Are you from like Uzbekistan and just got their cassette?
Pasalacquanian: Are you one of my friends telling me to act my age?
| 3 | 1 | |
1404782286 | 1404904739 | t3_2a3puc | t5_2to41 | 13 | Party_Zombie: TIFU by having Sanic as my skype profile picture
I've had skype for quite awhile, and often times me and friends like to use puush (an app that lets you take screenshots on your computer) to take dumb profile pics as a sort of joke. My last profile pic was a pic of sanic- http://imgur.com/CzKUkCQ. Earlier today I finally got an interview for one of the jobs I applied for at my future college, but since it is out of state I have to do it via skype interview tomorrow. So, naturally I give them skype name and they add me, letting my know about the interview tomorrow. I'm excited at the idea of finally being able to possibly land a job, so I kinda just go on with the rest of my day. I finally look at profile pic, and I look at my screen in horror as I realize the my job interviewers saw sanic as my profile pic. I'm beyond nervous for tomorrow, and I hope I haven't screwed up my chances.
tl;dr: Have an out of state skype job interview tomorrow, interviewers see sanic profile pic
LtDan61350: *Sonic
Sypher0110: Nope definantly Sanic.
mrmcmaine: *defiantly sanic
Sypher0110: I mispell that word so frequently and always forget thankyou kind stranger for reminding me.
mrmcmaine: I've found that to remember the word "definite" just associate it with the word *finite* I have no idea if the words really have a correlation but it works for me.
Sypher0110: Correlation is my goto spell-helper and funnily enough everytime I mispell it finite is the word of choice to help me next time but I keep forgetting i am spelling it wrong and thus the cycle repeats itself, one day it will sink in I swear.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1404788052 | 1404842673 | t3_2a3yyd | t5_2to41 | 15 | lenomjetable: TIFU by not washing my hands before peeing.
I was chopping serrano peppers for a chili when I realized I was late to meet a friend at her house. I went to take a quick pee, then I hopped on my bike and headed out the door. Suddenly I noticed an intense pain coming from my crotch: the serrano was burning my skin.
When I got to my friend's house, I pulled out my cell phone and google informed me that the best way to treat the skin after pepper burn is with milk. I formed the perfect plan: Say hi to my friend, ask for some milk. Fake a phone call, sneak to her bathroom, treat the problem. At this point my pain was intense, and I really hoped it would work.
The plan went perfectly, and when I dipped my junk into that cup of milk, I felt sweet, sweet relief. I walked back to the kitchen, where my friend was, with a huge smile on my face. Then, she asked me to put some of my milk in her coffee.
"I already drank from it," I said. She said, "I don't care, I'm not a germy." I stammered for a second, then I did what any hero would do. I chugged the milk.
TL;DR - Nearly gave my penis a chemical burn, instead used it to flavor milk.
xxcp1994xx: Why didn't you just dump it out in the bathroom sink once you were done?
lenomjetable: I said I was a hero, not a smart hero.
| 3 | 5 | |
1404782747 | 1404804353 | t3_2a3qmv | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by logging on to my friends facebook account
I just want to start with that this did not happen today. Can't even remember the exact date but it happened a few years ago, although the consequences of it came up front today, and yes it’s about a girl. Also want to point out that this is not me trying to defend myself by any means. I deserve the punishment.
Me and her has as of now been online buddies for about four years and I’ve for about two of those tried to see if we can’t get together and do something, whatever it may be. Play games, (both gamers) go see a movie, just hang out ETC. She’s always been very fond of the idea but when the day finally comes she pretty much disappears into thin air, and what’s more annoying is that she talks with other people and play games with other people (boys and girls). At first I just assumed she was busy, second I still thought she was busy and after that I just all out asked her what was going on. Her answer were somewhere between the line of “It’s not you, it’s me” and “Sorry I’ve been busy and not seen your messages”. Obviously I did not believe any of that because of how long (about 1-2 months) this had been going on. I only wanted an answer, a short and simple answer.
My first thought was that she perhaps was thinking that I like her and just wanted to distance herself. While it is true that I liked her (I still do) it never had anything do with being in love or wanting anything more than a good friendship. I even told her this but apparently that slipped her mind or she did not believe it. I then started asking my friends what I should do. Most of them just said I should “dump her and find someone else” (again thinking I’m in love with her) which did not help much. This then went on for a while. I slowly were trying to talk to her about it and asking her buddies she play games with what is wrong. Obviously my search for an answer would be my downfall. I even had that thought myself that if I go down this route, wanting to know what really is going on instead of just letting it all be, something bad will happen.
It then got to the point that I really had no choice. If I wanted to know anything I had to invade her privacy. Hopefully there I could find something that would help me in my search. As good friends as we were (hopefully still are) we knew each other’s passwords for steam, origin and other stuff (testing games). I tried the ones I remember on her FB account and I got in. I pretty much found what I expected too. Those times we had planned to do something, play games, watch a movie, just talk, enter some kind of competition (we did lots of things) and never showed up or answered to my messages, she was doing something with someone else.
Now you might think “ah now he has his answer” but no. I still wanted to know why. Why didn’t she tell me she was busy? That she wanted to do something else or not do it all? Why even plan it days in advance and just ignore it? I don’t mind if she wants to hang out with her other friends, wants to be with herself, take a break or just not talk. IF she would have told me anything I would have known and it would all be good.
I continued to look around on her FB account for about two weeks (with a total of about 3-4 logins), and nothing changed. At this point I did not even care about the fact that she really might see I’ve done this. During this spying/stalking time I talked to her online buddies and just admitted what I’ve done. I felt bad about it but I did not have a problem to share it, and I also thought that they might tell her, which they did.
Oh I’m in some big shit now… But no I was not. She suddenly just “came back” out of nowhere and we were back on track. Doing stuff we “missed” and just catch up on what’s been going on and have a great time, for a long time until now.
Does she know? Is she going to apologize? Is all good? And that’s something I never got an answer to either. That’s how it’s been with her ever since this started. Answers, I want them and I can’t get them. Now bear in mind that I never logged into the account again. I felt so bad for doing it and probably saw something I shouldn’t that I just could not do it anymore.
Now her doing this came and went, it was good for a while and bad for another and I’ve always wondered what the problem can be. During all this we sat on Skype or Teamspeak to discuss and she never mentioned anything about knowing what I had done. We talked, both cried and she finally said “I’m sorry” and I can tell she actually meant it. After a lot of talking we decided to put all of that behind us and move on. I here thought that it was for my trespassing too and that all was fine and dandy.
But it still continued. Right now you might wonder why the fuck I even bothered to try and have a good friendship with this lady. I can from the bottom of my heart tell you it had nothing to with love (which everyone, including her seem to think). I just care about my friends. I care about them as much as I do my family and would walk over heaven and hell for them. When I was at a friend’s house for a LAN we happened to bump into each other on the net and jumped to Teamspeak for a little chat. She then told me that she started to take medication. I don’t want to go into detail and say what it was but it gave a really good clue as to why she has acting like she has all this time (even with other boys she actually liked). I felt like a dumbass. What I heard just made me sink to the bottom of the ocean. Basically it was not her fault at all she never responded to me or gave me a good answer to what had been going on. I’ve been so mad, sad (at both her and myself) for all this and this answer just broke me into a thousand pieces. After that everything felt smooth again. For a while it really felt like everything was back to how it all was at the beginning.
So today I just sat around on the Teamspeak alone and saw that she came online. I played a game of League of Legends and afterwards saw that she still sat there in the AFK channel. I gave her a poke asking if she wanted to do something but I got no answer. She jumped into a channel with someone else and I went in there myself saying “Why don’t you answer me?” as a joke. We laughed and talked for a while until we somehow got into the conversation of “how good a person is” we both started saying what we thought of each other and most of it was actually very positive. I then said she was a coward (as a joke), that being the reason we have not met each other and done something fun in real life. That’s when the bomb is dropped. She said there is a reason for it, and a big one. It’s weird but it took a while for me to realize what this reason would be even though I knew it from the start. It was my action of logging into her FB account which was the biggest reason nothing has happened, and that she did not want to hurt my feelings (also wanting me to tell her I’d done it).
So there we are, setting in the Teamspeak channel and I just flat out say why I did it. I did it because I wanted to know what all this ignoring stuff was all about, I never got an answer from her or her friends and felt like I had my back against the wall and had no other choice if I really wanted to continue being her friend. It got little rough, we both raised our voices a couple of times (mostly me because I never got to finish) and she pretty much said I she does not want to met because she can’t trust me.
I tried my best to tell her how I feel about it, all the dumb shit both of us did (even though she had a good reason for some of it) and said that if it was me, as nice as I am I would have given you a second chance (which I thought I did with all the shit that happened before, I stayed and tried my best at fixing our friendship while I could have just said fuck you and move on).
We talked for a while. Discuss all kinds of things when it comes to trust, friendship, love (she thought many times I was jealous and just loved her), and it all ended pretty mute. I never got a real answer as to if we are still friends, if we are ever going to met or if things could be fixed. Personally I would not blame her if she said bye and I never heard her voice again but I felt like (and still do) that with all the fun we’ve had over the years, should that not count for something? Is this FB thing going to be the thing that breaks this awesome friendship beyond repair? I just don’t feel like she’s that kind of person and I can say I’m not that either.
So right now I don’t really know what to do. I was thinking of calling her in a few days and say that what if we really just gave it all a try? Start from scratch, talk and get to know each other again and just go for it. Id’ rather we try and it failed then not try at all and hopefully she will agree.
So that’s my fuck up, even though it might not sound so bad. For all I know I might just have lost one of the best friends I’ve ever had and that’s something to say to someone who I’ve never met in real life before. The only good thing about this is that I've come to understand my flaws as a person and will form here on try my best to change. If anyone also has any tips as to how i should proceed with life and with my potential future friendship with her that would be great. Don't think this is going to get much attention (dont really care about it) but i just felt like typing it down (makes me feel a little bit better) and sharing it with people might make me feel better as well.
I can’t figure out a good TLDR so anyone fancy doing one go head. Thanks for reading and have a great day.
pez_dispens3r: You're making this about you when it really isn't about you. You're saying you would be *such* a good friend to her, ignoring the part that she doesn't want that. And it's not for you to decide that she does, and it's not okay to hack into her Facebook account because you just "have to know."
She doesn't want to be friends with you. Learn to be okay with that, and stop trying to force it to happen. That's... not how friendship works.
[deleted]: Funny you get those thoughts. If she did not want to be friends with me like you are suggesting then she would not have continued to approach me, talk to me and do stuff like friends do. Without me even to try and do anything. Which i still find a bit weird if (and i don't blame her) me logging on to her FB account is such a big deal. Why would she even bother continue talking to me?
Bear in mind i never asked her to be my friend(even though i tried my hardest to make it work). Never. I always said that if you don't want this, want anything to do with me then just let it go. If you don't want to break contact i could do it. Suppose that has it's reasons, but i never tried to make it out so it's all about me and i never forced her to be my friend.
Thanks for the reply though. Really appreciate it.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1404787643 | 1419984116 | t3_2a3yb8 | t5_2to41 | 15 | t0xie: TIFU by quoting the movie "Airplane!" in our team meeting.
TIFU by quoting the movie "Airplane!" in our team meeting. After dropping a movie quote ("I guess I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue"), I found out that my boss has never seen the movie. He referred me to our substance abuse program.
[deleted]: Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side. Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da help! Jive-ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Shiiiiit
theruneman: Thank you for making me smile
| 3 | 5 | |
1404790868 | 1404803312 | t3_2a4372 | t5_2to41 | 90 | mudmanshame: TIFU Having sex and diarrhea
Tonight is just fucked. My girlfriend of 1 year finally decided its time for some backdoor lovin ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) . I've done it with 2 other girls but never with her and it actually felt special since it's our first time trying something like that and I'm really attached to her. Now before we get to my mud slide victory lets go back to about 2 hours ago when I wanted some chinese food. I don't eat it a lot but I really wanted some so I got the same thing I usually get but this time something wasn't right. My stomach started developing a weird sensation which I didn't really pay attention to because I figured it would pass overtime. It didn't. Now lets fast forward to about 10 minutes ago. Gf and I are getting hot, I got the lube and I'm excited as ever. Things start up and we're going for about 5 minutes and then the weird stomach feeling turns into pain, but why stop now? This moment is special to both of us so I figure I'll endure the pain but let her enjoy the pleasure. She's riding me and every time she comes down I feel the pain get more intense. At this point the sex is overpowering the feelings I'm getting in MY backdoor, I'm hoping we finish soon so this can be over with when suddenly, [FUCK](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/2586647/mudslide-o.gif) It felt like the **universe** was falling out of my ass and I couldn't stop it. I pushed my girl off of me and she's like what the fuck? Not knowing why I moved her until she looks at where I was just laying and there is just a fucking MESS in the bed. We're both speechless for a few seconds until I tell her to just leave the room. She went to the bathroom and I cleaned up this horrible mess, showered, and went outside. Now I'm on the back porch on my laptop with a beer and listening to the crickets. I guess it's just another case of some bad chinese but fuck I don't want to go back inside because it was so fucking embarrassing and I don't even want to see her face. I don't know what will be said once I go back in but I don't know if I'll ever live this down. Either way doesn't matter; had sex.
**TLDR**: Put something in my girls backdoor and something came out of my backdoor.
obamabot447: Huh, wouldn't it be crazy if like, you were fucking your girlfriend as told in your story, and you just blast out the diarrhea, but then you look down, and your dad is face up underneath you with diarrhea covering his face and it's pooled up in his open mouth. You and your girlfriend are SCREAMING, wtf is your dad doing there and how did you not notice him?! He stands up, wipes his eye area off with a handkerchief and says, "Well that was a blast from the past". You and your girlfriend look at each other bewildered and confused. "Dad, what the fuck do you mean? 'Blast from the past?'" you ask.
"Hey David, how about you get off my back, and back....into her back?" says your dad nodding to your girlfriend.
For the remainder of the night your dad watches a dvd compilation of Saved by the Bell in the living room, while you and your girlfriend try begrudgingly to finish the anal sex you had tried hours earlier.
OH MY GOD DUDE, WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN DO IN THAT SITUATION!?? Hey, who do you bank with if you don't mind me asking? Thanks!
Foreigncarwhipper: Wtf did i just read?
FlaccidWeenus: His whole post history, to me, is fucking hilarious and I usually hate this kinda shit.
| 4 | 22.5 | |
1404791043 | 1404793143 | t3_2a43g8 | t5_2to41 | 1 | youtbuddcody: TIFU by drinking a protein shake
I work out regularly and I recently got new protein powder. I drink protein after I work out and typically drink it in the car on my way home. I started drinking this new brand of protein and it's gross. It taste like medicine. I was thinking of ways to make it better so I dropped an Airborn in it. After shaking it up, I started drinking it. At first I couldn't taste it. I figured that te Airborn wasn't strong enough to flavor the shake, so I continued on home.
About halfway home I took another drink and I felt something thick go down my throat. After thinking about it for a minute, it hit me that I swallowed the Airborn whole. After a few seconds my stomach immodestly felt sick/unsettled. I started to dry heave really bad so I pulled over on the side of the road. I opened up the door and started throwing up medicine-orange tasting foam.
Never again.
**Tl;dr** - I accidently swallowed an Airborn, trying to flavor my protein shake. I threw it up.
Nearlyrigid: Bro do you even lift?
youtbuddcody: Yeah brah. Do you even leg day brah?
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1404791877 | 1404832994 | t3_2a44od | t5_2to41 | 3 | GeorgieWsBush: TIFU by getting high before a friend's birthday
This happened a few years ago, and I don't talk to one of the kids in this story anymore because of this.
As my freshman year of college was coming to a close I began to practice my finals/dead week ritual. This consists of finishing classes, lighting up a doob and immediately hitting the books. One day I got home from class a bit late so I went straight to step two instead of saying hi to my friends. As I was coming up from the bowling alley I ran into the lot of them and they told me that we were going out to dinner for "Sheila's" birthday. "[Shit](http://imgur.com/ygeSGV6)," I thought, "I'm no good in public when I'm high. Buttfuckit, I'll be fine."
We end up going to Thai restaurant, and being the proud Mexican that I am I get the spiciest bowl of curry that I could possibly get. At this point I am at a solid [7], [feelin' real good](http://imgur.com/XyOcoMq), and dinner is going surprisingly well, although it wasn't as spicy as I expected. It came time to leave and we start walking back to the dorm, which is a solid mile and a half away. We get within eyeshot of the dorm and suddenly I feel a spicy little gurgle in my bowels. I looked around at my friends and they all began to have that "Oh shit, what do I do now?" look on their faces. Our pace hastened and we made it back to the dorm in record time. It should at this point be noted that we were all roommates, as in, every single person with us had a roommate also present, except the one kid that had a single.
My roommate beat me to the room and immediately made a mad break for the bathroom. I stood there, just me, myself, and high in a panic because my weedified brain couldn't seem to quell the fecal rebellion currently laying waste to my sphincter. The scenario can be easily ANALogged by the Battle of Helms Deep (anus = the deeping wall; poop-soup = uruk hai). And like Gandalf at first light on the fifth day my friend with the single, who only had to pee, opened his door and said "GeorgieWsBush, do you need it?" I was so grateful, but still about to explode. He let me in and left the room. As I was making my way to the bathroom [Legolas failed to shoot the runner](http://youtu.be/pNRfqYx89Xs?t=51s). [A flow of south-east asian lava](http://imgur.com/QN7QkXa) filled my underwear and, unbeknownst to me, trickled down the back of my shorts...onto the ground. I got into the bathroom to get as much as I could into the toilet, but it was too little too late.
I cleaned until I was mildly content and exited the bathroom to go shower in my own room. That's when I noticed the trail of shit outside the bathroom door. I grabbed all the toilet paper that I could and wiped it up, but I was caught red handed. My friend walked back into his room and just stood there with a look of disbelief for a few seconds, and I just [toker faced](http://imgur.com/VAffu8y) back at him with my shorts, that could have been confused for the swamps of Dagobah at this point, in plain view. He left, not saying a word, and I continued to wipe up my shame. Thank god for laminate flooring.
To this day I have never had a full conversation with him.
TL;DR: Got high, ate Thai food, lost control, proceeded to seep onto my friend's dorm room floor.
gviscuit: That's a shitty reason for ending a friendship.
GeorgieWsBush: Heh. Good one. But we weren't that close and it wasn't an intentional ending of a friendship. More just an "oh wow I will never feel comfortable around you again"
| 3 | 1 | |
1404791004 | 1404972701 | t3_2a43e7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | blinKX10: TIFU by underestimating my IBS
**The set-up**
So I've had IBS for over a month, why I have no idea, and today was my first day back to class after a two week break. Over the break my IBS had seemed to calm down to the point where I wasn't as worried as I used to be.
**The Fuck up**
So today before class I went with a couple classmates to lunch before class and thought it would be ok to have some pop with my meal (sushi). Well about 15 minutes after I had finished one glass of pop and was half-way through a second, I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. So I calmly get up and head on over, half-way the urge starts growing exponentially and I'm clenching as hard as I can. About 15 feet away my rectum cannot hold the growing pressure anymore and a shit the consistency of half-melted butter starts leaking into my shorts. Just as I enter the bathroom the flood gates open and I full on start shitting myself and end up leaking on to the floor and leave a trail to the closest stall. I quickly pull my shorts down and plop myself on the toilet to reveal the disaster area that is my underwear, at this point it's all over my inner thighs and starting to drip towards my knees. In an attempt to remove my shorts so I can discard my completely demolished underwear I manage to get shit on my socks as well, so those get take off as well. After spending ~10 minutes cleaning up myself and my shorts I proceed to go commando and toss my underwear and socks in the trash, because there was no saving them. I then told my friends I wasn't feeling good and caught the first bus home.
**TL;DR**: Thinking I was over my IBS at a restauraunt, I drank a carbonated and sugary beverage (the worst thing ever) and ended up with me shitting myself, soiling my socks and leaving a trail between the bathroom entrance and the stall.
tsack11: Youre from the midwest arent you?
blinKX10: Southern Alberta, yes
tsack11: ah. well then. Usually calling soda "pop" is a midwest thing. Guess Canadians aren't too different then!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1404793605 | 1404859694 | t3_2a476i | t5_2to41 | 17 | sadelbrid: TIFU by giving a cleaning lady an eyeful. Potentially [NSFW]
So today I [18m] was feeling pretty horny and decided to hook up with an old friend [17f] that I've started to talk to out of the blue. I ask her what time I should come over and she says just about anytime works except it can't be too late because her mom gets home in the afternoon. She also mentions her family has a cleaning lady that comes around 2.
Anyway I show up at noon and we start to play what I call "Strip Video Games" in the living room. We both like to game and hey why not make it interesting, right? One thing led to another and we are eventually on the couch naked jerking each other off. No sooner than she finished me... we both saw it. The figure pass by the window. My heart jumped into my throat. How could I have been so horny to completely disregard the fact that she had a cleaning lady?
She walks through the door into the living room.
There we are in our prime. Naked - and messy as well. It took all I could to mutter one word before she red-facingly went upstairs: "Heeey..."
breakone9r: Dude. You're 18. You don't HAVE any old friends.. UNLESS you count that weird old guy you hang with on the weekends..
sadelbrid: Old as in... not recent.
breakone9r: What's that, sonny? You need to speak up.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1404787713 | 1405011172 | t3_2a3yfd | t5_2to41 | 60 | IAmTheSpaceman: TIFU by opening my door to strangers
I took a peek out the window to see who was ringing my doorbell. A man and and woman were waiting there in what seemed to be funeral uniforms. I didn't know them and I was thinking it's probably Jehovah witnesses (sorry, not trying to be stereotypical, but it happened a lot in the past week) so I was about to ignore it until I realize I have seen the man talking to my brother before, so it might be someone he knows.
I opened the door. They asked if my brother is home, he wasn't, so they told me to tell him that his friend's brother passed away.
Okay, here's where I have to do a little bit of explaining. My brother (let's call him Joe) has a friend (let's call him Bob). Bob is separated from his father's side of the family, due to some huge fight, so he lives only with his mother, and his brothers live with his father. They don't have any direct communication anymore (even when it comes to family deaths, I guess), so that's why the man at the door told me to tell Joe, so Joe can tell Bob. The man at the door didn't look sad at all, almost happy, which is what confused me.
Joe came home, I told him the news. He was broken, and I felt bad too. He called Bob to tell him, I listened to him crying through the phone, even his mom, it was all just terrible.
So... the next day. Bob calls, sounding rather agitated, says he told his relatives and whatnot about his brother's passing, then he starts yellling "MY BROTHER DIDN'T PASS AWAY, WHO THE F*** TOLD YOU THAT?", and I told him it a man at the door, he stopped talking and hung up. I was lost, was that guy at the door playing a sick joke? I wish that was the case. After weeks of them trying to find out who told me this, they got nowhere and just dropped it.
About a month later, the same man comes to my door, alone this time. He asks me the same the question, is my brother home, (again, he wasn't), so I tell him he isn't. "Oh, that's fine, just tell him Bob's brother *passed by*"
Passed BY. He didn't pass AWAY he passed BY. He was referring to himself as Bob's brother! He said the same thing last time and I heard passed *away*.
tl;dr: I made a family cry because my ears are stupid.
EDIT: sorry about the confusing title, turns out the stranger wasn't really a stranger.
ww2colorizations: your username should be "IAmTheSpaceSHOT" instead LOL
IAmTheSpaceman: I dunt get it
ww2colorizations: lol I was only joking....basically just calling you a spaceshot, for not understanding what he said. Great story too, you must have felt so weird after
IAmTheSpaceman: I can't find anything on 'spaceshot', other than the launch of a spacecraft which doesn't seem to make sense in this context.
And yup lol, thanks.
ww2colorizations: hahaha!!!!! Really?? Its a pretty common phrase in US (new england). Kind of hard to explain but it means like...."someone who is "Out there", or someone who makes dumb mistakes, kinda like "Airhead". Hahah Now that I wrote it out, I feel bad that I called you an airhead. Im sorry lol
| 6 | 10 | |
1404795637 | 1404800353 | t3_2a49yf | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by going on a date with a retarded girl
attention_seekr: Posting story as comment - sorry OP, it was too good for you to remove on us
Ok so this happened about 6 years ago. I was in my third year of college and single. My buddy told me he had a friend he'd like me to meet for a date one night if I was up to it. He told me she was cute and probably DTF. So I'm definitely in.
We start texting and she doesn't have a Facebook. I thought that was wierd but whatever. I'm horny I don't care.
We text about a week and a half and finally decide to meet up. I'm ready. I buy condoms, cheap wine, I'm ready to give this bitch the long hammer.
I ask her where she wants to meet and she says I need to meet her friend somewhere because she can't drive. Okay. I don't give a fuck. I'm horny. I figured her car was fucked up.
We decided her friend will drop her off at this nice pizza shack and we will have dinner. So I'm sitting at the table waiting. She texted me that she was pulling up.
I'm fucking nervous. Like we have never talked before and I've never even really seen a pic of her. I ran the scenarios over in my head.
Fat girl? That's cool, lights off. Ugly chick, face down. Nothing prepared me for the shit storm I was prepared for.
In walks this girl. She definitely didn't seem right. She walks closer. Ohh shittttt. No. Just no. She has downs. Are you kidding? She comes to my table. Says my name. I smile. Then she hugs me. What the fuck did my buddy do? I'm pissed.
I'm cool about it though. I buy her meal and we talk a little. She's cool. But I'm definitely not into her like that. I feel bad for her so we end up going to watch a movie. Movie was good. We laughed. Friends that is it.
Ok remember that wine and condoms I bought? On the way back I get swarmed by 3 cop cars. What the fuck? I pull over. They rush me with weapons up. They get the girl out of the car. I'm face first in the road. Hands behind my back. They search the car. Find condoms. Find wine. Find the blanket and was going to fornucate on.
Apparently this little bitch was lying. She was in an assisted living home. Her cousin snuck her out and brought her to me. They realized she was gone and called the cops. Said she was kidnapped. She was iD'd leaving the restaurant with me. And the movies.
It took me and my lawyer 4 hours in jail to convince them I wasn't some serial retard raper. Finally once they realized what happened they lose it. Everyone is laughing at me. I still haven't gotten my buddy back to this day.
attention_seekr: my mistake, it was a mod edit
enjoy it here while you can folks!
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1404791467 | 1404841989 | t3_2a444e | t5_2to41 | 5 | Lolabola92: TIFU by coming on to my brother in law...
So I saw this guy when I was going to school. We had a really nice and easy NSA relationship yet remained exclusive.
When I graduated, we pretty much agreed that things were over. A few weeks after I moved back home, however, he started texting me again, seeing if I was coming back to town anytime soon to meet friends and maybe meet again to hook up. Well a few drunken nights ago, we exchanged sloppy texts about meeting up and hooking up. I would stay at his house for the weekend. I said I'd try to get out this coming weekend if I could swing it.
So tonight, after a few beers, I texted him and asked him if he was still down for meeting up. He asked what I was talking about. I elaborated and reminded him of our hookup agreement where I would "stay over, play video games, and have wild sex". He replied "Uh, wrong person." I looked at the name and lo and behold...
It's my brother in law.
They share the same first name, but the guy I was seeing went by a nickname completely different from his, so only in my phone is it written sort of the same as my relative. My brother in law replied again,"lol, be safe" and i about died all over myself.
Of course, it's obvious this is a simple "Lol, wrong number". No harm, no foul. The fact that he saw that text though makes me want to shrivel up and die.
I'm so embarrassed, I wish everybody else was dead.
Typicalgold: Well I bet one day you will look back on it and laugh. Sure it's embarrassing. However to make you feel better, I read a TIFU that was much worse.
Long story short the guy was getting into it on snap chat with a chick. She flashed her tits so be sent a dick pick. Time passed by she didn't get it. Checked his snap chat to find he posted it in his story. To all of his friends and family. How about that for embarrassing.
Hopefully that makes you feel better realizing it can always be worse.
Lolabola92: Ah gawd, yes thank god it wasn't like that! It was just terrible in the "Gawd this is so embarrassing, now he knows that I have sex even though I'm 21 so he probably already knew"
Typicalgold: Ya he probably assumed. I assume most people have had sex by the time they are 18. I started when I was 16.
Sex is natural. It's funny how people try to think some people don't do it. Just so they don't have potential awkward thoughts.
Just be more careful with the name you text to :P
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404798746 | 1404841247 | t3_2a4dne | t5_2to41 | 722 | [deleted]: TIFU by going down on my girlfriend (NSFW)
Earlier today my SO and I began to get into the 'mood' and so we took to the bedroom to begin our normal routine. We undressed each other and during foreplay she started to feel a little tender around her most delicate of areas so I, thinking nothing of it, decided that she needed some more lubrication and decided that the best thing to do in that situation was go down on her. Not noticing anything out of the ordinary I continued for a few minutes before we started to have actual intercourse.
During the sex itself, I noticed that some white discharge had found itself dripping down my genitals and being a naive man, I thought of this as some form of grand thing, that I was doing everything right etc. So we continued until we both finished and not too long after, I braggingly told her about the fact that I had made her discharge in a way that I hadn't seen before.
What I didn't know beforehand is that she had been suffering an itch within her nether regions and upon asking as to whether the discharge looked like 'cottage cheese', she continued to tell me that those were two of the common symptoms of thrush.
tl;dr, I ate cottage cheese like discharge out of my girlfriend thinking that I was some form of pro when it was actually thrush.
sparta_reddy: On a brighter side you should be happy that you didn't find any Jolly Ranchers in there.
Igorius: For those that don't get it. http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9wcte/reddit_whats_the_grossestnastiest_thing_thats/c0er6q4
AceDeuce77: Put a fucking warning on that link!
Igorius: Why? You just read a thread about a guy eating cottage cheese discharge out of his girlfriends vagina. You're already in a NSFW thread so what did you expect? A post about candy?
[deleted]: In all fairness, it was a post about candy...
| 6 | 120.333333 | |
1404798177 | 1404800447 | t3_2a4d21 | t5_2to41 | 6 | 5meterRuler: TIFU by damaging a $1,500 door with the forklift at work.
Ok so I was driving the forklift at the local DIY store and while I was driving through the warehouse, I accidently poked holes through some cardboard boxes with the forks, which I thought was empty boxes so I didn't care and just continued to drive to the bathroom to take my daily 12:30PM-after-lunch-dump.
Around 14:30PM 1 hour and 30 minutes before I was going to take the day off, I heard my boss yelling with anger "Which dumbass has destroyed this door? You guys wanna know the wholesale price? $1,500!!! If no one admits he has done it, I'll no longer buy cake every friday to you guys!" and so on and so on. Then I realized that it was me who had done it when I poked hole in the cardboard boxes with the forklift, which I thought was empty while rushing to the bathroom. Luckily, no one saw me doing it.
Foreigncarwhipper: Security cameras my friend.
5meterRuler: Luckily we don't have that. Don't need that on the Norwegian countryside you know.
| 3 | 2 | |
1404801166 | 1404814528 | t3_2a4gd1 | t5_2to41 | 10 | InadequateExpression: TIFU I Lost My GF, Probably
Today I fucked up.
Backstory: We're both college educated and I'm three years older than her. She's a dramatically better student and employee than I am. In fact, I work as a writer for the firm for which she's an editor.
Ultimately, she and I became a couple becuase I was graduating, motivated, hard working, and intelligent if not a bit of a good time Charlie. I've worked hard to have a lot of friends but she never did. I have no student loans from school for working my way through college, going to community college first and late, saving money, working full time over summers, etc. We became a couple almost as an accident, having started as fuck-buddies. We became much more and have been as such for about ten months. I love her and today I lost her do to my drinking problem. I'll cross post this to /r/alcoholicsanonymous. I've been a medium to low functioning alcoholic for years. On the Fourth of July (as I'm American) I discussed drinking heavily being a special occasion. However, it didn't end there. She described it as a rockslide, which I think is accurate. I argued because day two was due to supporting my best friend in his mourning BOTH his parents death. However, today I drank a full bottle of wine and several IPA's alone at my apartment before she spontaneously appeared to inform me that she was tired of my alcoholism. She is a runner and in thr course of her running for her health appeared at my apartment to tell me she was exhausted by my drinking. Ultimately, I'm confused and would like some input. Am I right? Is she, as narrow a view of her as I've given? Am I an Alcoholic?
tl;dr: I might be an alcoholic and that's not cool with her.
Teotwawki69: There are two possibilities here -- keep in mind that I'm an internet stranger and don't know either of you, so I can only go with what you've written.
Possibility 1: You are an alcoholic. There are quizzes for this, like [this one](https://ncadd.org/learn-about-alcohol/alcohol-abuse-self-test). Answer honestly, and trust the results. The short version is: have you ever missed or cancelled a date with her because you were drunk or hungover? Have you ever skipped making plans with her because the alternative was to get drunk, either with friends or alone? Have you ever felt it necessary to hide your drinking from her?
Possibility 2: You're not an alcoholic per se, but you're enough of a drinker to be an alcoholic in her eyes. This one is tougher to diagnose, but is likely the case if she has friends or family members, particularly one or both parents, who are actual alcoholics. It's also likely the case if she is a recovering alcoholic or thinks she might become one herself. To people like this, somebody having a beer after work on a Tuesday is an alcoholic. So is somebody who talks about wine or beer or liquor, or has a certain expertise at some aspect of the industry. Wine connoisseur? You must be an alcoholic. Etc.
I'm not sure whether the relationship can be saved, because the person in Possibility #2 will never accept someone who thinks alcohol is recreational, whether that someone is alcoholic or not. On the other hand, if you are an alcoholic, then you should take care of that thing first, then look for a new relationship. (If you are an alcoholic, then going back with the person who pointed it out to you is a bad idea.)
Good luck. I'm hoping that it's Possibility #2, in which case it's not your fault move on. But whichever possibility is true it's an opportunity for growth.
InadequateExpression: The third question in point one rang quite true, though I've always managed to keep a somewhat even keel (obviously perspective based) around her. It's alone that I really channel the drunkenness. Regardless, as much as it flipping sucks, I think you're right about the relationship.
6romperstomper9: We have heard some very good replies, caring, sincere and informative. Me - I'd hesitate to call you an alcoholic (especially as you are not denying you have a problem). Maybe a binge drinker at worst. NOW! Can we have some fun with this post yet??????????
InadequateExpression: Amen!
InadequateExpression: Currently I'm watching [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umc7BFEhWz0) and feeling better about myself :)
6romperstomper9: Good! Because a bloke should be able to have a few drinks instead of pounding the pavement running a half marathon without copping shit off his missus about it.
InadequateExpression: Fucking goddamn right.
6romperstomper9: The Bitch!
| 9 | 1.111111 | |
1404802386 | 1404964695 | t3_2a4hkt | t5_2to41 | 10 | jaegerbombs33: tifu: buying porn
i didn't get any sleep last night because i was drinking and said to myself, "hey, 1$ for porn is pretty cheap, you should get on that, you high roller, you" i only had $.58 in my account, as my check was still clearing from the fourth of july and cinco de cuatro weekend. it just sorta denied me so i didn't think much of it, so i just did the deed and got on with my day. later, i got an email saying there is a suspicious activity on your card for one dollar and that they were going to shut my card down (i didn't read that part). this is where it starts to get interesting. i show up to my class (i'm taking some credits over the summer at CC) a little late only to find out that the two days i skipped last week were already canceled by the teacher. i was like fuck yeah, things do work out some times, i thought i was gonna get booted from the class. so after sitting through a grievous two and a half hour lecture about poverty and rich people, especially hungover after an all nighter, i went to apologize for my tardiness last week. the conversation went a bit like this:
backstory: good friend died of cancer, best friends mother recently passed after a second bout, grandpa is doing well after a month in the hospital from cancer. I'm not really the ray of hope when it comes to these things, but i digress.
Me: oh, hey, sorry i missed last week (insert karma plagued lie here)
teacher: oh, were you late today?
M: as a matter of fact i was, did i miss something?
T: yeah, i cancelled class last week because of an emergency at the hospital with my husband.
M: (medically interested me) that's awful do you mind if i ask why?
T: he has colon cancer
M: Oh my friends mom just recently had that, it's awful.
T: how's she doing, did she make it?
M: no, she died.
M: (about to say friend when i was younger but thank God i held my tongue) my grandpa however just got done fighting his and just got out of the hospital, they got rid of it all.
T: how long was he there?
M: a month. he almost died while he was unconscious. (immediate mental face palm)
M: but he is a truck nowadays.
T: well that's nice.
M: well, good luck and have a nice week, bye.
i'm going to avoid counseling as a career choice.
this was just the start of my fU day. after lying about my speech and going full sociopath on my teacher about why i missed class last week, it was finally time for my first meal of the day, sweet, sweet chik-fil-a.
i walk in and coupons don't work; guy says i can get a free cookie by following on twitter; i follow; acquire free cookie; cookie was delicious; have 30$ transferred into checking acct. to buy food later; come back in an hour; decide to go through drive through so i can make next class; big mistake; i knew clerk from high school; sorta had a crush on her a few years ago; order 2 spicy chicken sandwiches and some coleslaw; coleslaw is the shit; pull up to window; act like i don't really know her; i hate talking to people about high school; I'm an asshat; give her card; she hands me bag of heaven; she swipes card a few times to find that it was expired; asked for other form of payment; i didn't cash check because i am a hip douche who uses mobile deposit; try to check funds on phone; phone dies; go to hand bag back because i was full blown awkward situation seal at this point and just didn't know what to do; she says it's fine and it's on her; i am speechless and just thank the hell out of her; i was hungry;
well that convo passed and i felt like a tool because the 10$ i just cost her was 1-2 hours of hard work, give or take. so now i am hell bent on fixing this stupid fucking debit card and what do you know, my bank was on the way to school, which i am close to running late for. i go in, ID in hand and say to the lady up front, "ma'am i need your help lifting this hold on my card" like i actually knew what the fuck i was talking about. "oh, I'm just filling in for someone, let me get you set up with a banker." i have a seat in the waiting room. in my head i was just repeating, "please get an old dude, he might understand buying porn for a dollar and not having enough money to pay for that."
nope. i just get to sit with a lady that was sweet as could be, and reminded me of my grandmother. conversation paraphrased as follows:
banker: hi, what can i help you with today?
Me: not much, i just need to remove the hold on my debit account so i can pay back the nice girl from CFA that paid for my dinner.
B: that was awful nice of her
M: it sure was i didn't know what to do while i was there for a second
.....................
B: so we just need to go through your last few purchases.
M: that's probably not necessary, it's only a few bucks
B: it's just procedure, sir
M: okay yeah i bought that redditgifts elf membership, yes i went to a concert, i don't recall making a purchase from discreet billing LTD. (cause that name helps a lot)
B: okay i'll just take care of those really quick
situation resolved, she goes and prints me a new card (it's glorious) and says, "you should be careful of what you purchase online." to which i replied, "yeah i should probably take my card info off of my laptop." like it wasn't me who was buying porn. we both knew but i couldn't say anything because my friend and his mother were next door, and she was just trying to figure out what i screwed up in my life so she could avoid it.
after that ordeal was finished i drove over to CFA to pay girl back. she was hanging stuff up and left restaurant, i think i got her fired. idk. either way i am still an asshole. well i started driving down the gravel path to school only to have my coleslaw spill everywhere in the car. i got to school and put the rest of the slaw on the sandwiches only to have them taste like the cold shame of guilt. also i spilled coleslaw all over the only pants i had.
TL;DR: Bought porn for a dollar; card froze; ruined my teacher's night/week with lack of compassion about cancer; stole shit from girl at Chik-Fil-a whom i liked; told banker about porn; finally ate dinner and it tasted bad cause of the guilt; and spilled coleslaw all over myself for good measure
justaguy68: I doubt you got her fired. At my Chick-Fil-A we try & handle the situations where a payment is declined by taking another form if payment, and if it is not available we can do the it's on us. We don't want to make customers feel humiliated or bad in these situations. We are even encouraged to do a random acts of kindness each shift such as give a meal away.
jaegerbombs33: this makes me feel sideways 8 times better thanks
ThatOldDuderino: Hopefully you'll see her again & say thanks.
jaegerbombs33: went by today to pay her back. she wouldn't take it, so i told her i would buy someone else lunch. saw the lady i usually buy for on the corner and got her some extra stuff.
ThatOldDuderino: Now that's a random act/karma item so hopefully you can parlay that into a date with the cutie. If not hopefully the random kindness will outweigh the $1 smut.
jaegerbombs33: idk, i don't tell anyone about doing nice things, it ruins the fun for me. but hey idk maybe.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1404802613 | 1404838733 | t3_2a4hsr | t5_2to41 | 31 | mildlyAttractiveGirl: TIFU and said something really fucked-up. [NSFW?]
BACKSTORY: I have a really close girl friend. She happens to be dating a boy who I had previously had some drunken hookups with.
TODAY: Girl friend and I went to a movie and were just blabbering on the way back in the car, and somehow got on the topic of anal sex. Don't remember the conversation that led to that point, or even the sentence I was responding to. But the thing that I said will forever be burned into my memory as the most poorly worded, unintentionally hurtful thing I've ever said to a friend: "I'm not into butt stuff. The only person I've ever even tried that with is your boyfriend."
She already knew about me hooking up with him before they were dating, and agrees that it's not important and nothing to be upset about. She knew the details of the encounter. If I had called him by name in the comment, we could have both laughed it off, even, because it would have been an interesting observation of fact. But, because I'm a dumbass and don't know how to maintain friendships, I called him "your boyfriend." With my poor word choice, I made it about her and made it offensive. I immediately felt awful about saying it, even before I finished the sentence, and I just couldn't stop myself saying it.
She texted me after I had gotten home from dropping her off and said "It was kinda fucked up what you said. I don't think I'm being too sensitive by thinking that."
I responded, agreeing, and with a sincere apology, and she said already forgave me, but I still feel like absolute shit.
throwawayghia: Smooth. Take a look through the rest of /r/TIFU - there are some guys out there just like you.
Could have been worse - you could have launched into details about anal with him.
mildlyAttractiveGirl: The horrifying part is that I almost did.
throwawayghia: On a positive note, this makes you two Eskimo Sisters!
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1404803541 | 1404928529 | t3_2a4iol | t5_2to41 | 12 | latenitejazz: TIFU by trying to improve my social skills (with alcohol)
So today I woke up at 4 am, fully dressed, hotel room door wide open and without any memories whatsoever of the night before.
The theatre I'll work at this autumn hosted a barbeque for all employees. Since I'm completely new and terrible when meeting lots of new people I decided to drink a little bit before the party. I was so nervous that I couldn't bring myself to eat all day and at the barbeque I also stuck to wine.
Fuck.
Those few glasses on my empty stomach didn't seem so bad the first couple of hours but apparently they totally wrecked me. I don't even know who to ask if I behaved like an ass, since I don't know anyone.
So, TIFU by making the worst impression possible and not knowing about it. I'm heading to work now...
PickaProperPontiff: Been there many times. Just own it, make light of your foolishness and try to take it easier next time.
latenitejazz: Will try to. It's just harder when you absolutely don't know how foolish you've been..
vierce: If it helps i have done this plenty of times and almost never had anyone have a problem with anything I did. You were probably not an ass.
latenitejazz: Seems like the only fallout is that I don't seem to be welcome at afterwork-drinks which is pretty bad since I don't know anyone here.
vierce: Uh oh... That sounds like you had an awkward conversation with a supervisor. My condolences.
latenitejazz: No, almost no conversations were had (I introduced myself to a singer and he said "I know you, you were pretty drunk.").
The people I was out with before monday just made other plans today without even looking at me.
Meh, nothing 6 weeks of not seeing each other can't fix (hopefully)
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1404805019 | 1404893222 | t3_2a4k48 | t5_2to41 | 34 | Unpopular_But_Right: TIFU by talking about peanut butter at work
So there's a group of 6 or 7 of us chatting at work and somehow the topic got on our favorite foods. Mine is peanut butter. A coworker of mine, a college intern actually, that is quite attractive, if perhaps a tad overweight, (just a tad!) announced she, too, was a peanut butter fan. She's quite cool and we get along great, but we often are in vehement disagreement about the things we like and believe.
So I said but wait, what brand? The brand is important! And she replies, "Peter Pan!" which is ALSO my favorite! Fearing the similarity streak at an end, I said, "Oh, but I like the creamy kind. You seem like a chunky girl."
And then, of course... dead silence.
Luckily she seems to have forgiven me (and I was wrong, she likes creamy!)
Akashin: That was completely un-insulting, and she's stupid if she thought that you wanted to insult her!
stronglywordedemails: Insalted or unsalted?
Akashin: What?
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1404806403 | 1404809015 | t3_2a4laq | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by going in for a kiss on our first date
A bit of background, we'd worked together. I found her to be the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen the very first time I glanced at her. She wasn't the typical girl I went for, in the sense that she seemed a bit straight edge. There was this rush, sudden attraction.
I had moved away a few years ago but came back into town. I asked the same girl (girl of my dreams) to accompany me for an evening of adventure (and, hopefully, lust). She had agreed. I, however, was not quite sure as to whether she knew how i felt. Not knowing if she felt the same, I had made my feelings clear before hand, letting her know that if she did not feel the same then maybe it would have been best not to hangout that evening. I, you see, am weak, and have this fear for rejection. I called her and with the most awkward way possible relayed my feelings. She said she felt the same, in that we should attempt a first date. She'd made it clear that we should first give it a try. YES!
No... I'd forgotten the age difference (she was not at the legal age to drink - I was). Our date consisted of walking down a street filled with bars (which she could not get into w/o a fake). At this moment I'd suggested we walk to a restaurant. As we were about to cross the street, hand in hand, she had given me this glimpse that made her absolutely irresistible. I could not control my emotions. The most precious, most beautiful girl was making eye contact with me. My legs were going to fall under me. I had to go for it. I couldn't control myself even if I tried. But I did not want to control myself. So I did go for it. No tongue, just lips. Not thinking twice about whether she'd kiss me back.
Well, idk if she kissed me back or not. She didn't lean away, she didn't let go of my hands. But, I didn't sense the same desire from her. It maybe almost came as a shock to her. As our lips continued to touch, there was no movement on her part. No response from her. No, I guess I can say, opening of the lips or even a sense of pressure. I retracted my kiss, or should I say peck on the lips? I felt that I'd invaded her privacy :(. Hands let go (not sure if I let go of hers or she mine). As we crossed the street, AWKWARDNESS ENSUED. Within the next 30 seconds she had given me this stare. It was of uncomfort. It was of 'I need to get the fuck out of here'.
First kisses are supposed to be special. And I, because of MY urges, acted in a selfish manner. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could of saved it for another time. Instead - even though the night ended well and even a second peck on the lips - I've not heard from her since. As if to tell me to fuck off, we'll never have a second date again. I FU, bad I suppose. I love this girl. And she doesn't even know it....maybe she does know it and was simply unsatisfied with our first date. TIFU. And it hurts knowing I could have taken a few different steps here and there. Thanks for reading.
caffeinefueled: maybe she's trying not to look desperate and intends on contacting you after a few days,hard to tell how she felt you caught her off guard = no butterflies in her stomach= not magical
women like first kisses to be magical for some reason
aKNIGHT7: Which is why I regret choosing a moment when hobos and drunk folks were around us. Plus I felt like I went 0 -> 60 mph.
> maybe she's trying not to look desperate and intends on contacting you after a few days,hard to tell how she felt you caught her off guard
I wish you were correct kind stranger, but I think ignoring two, three texts has given me the hint that it did not go as well as she had hoped for.
6romperstomper9: Ring her. And do it now!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1404804125 | 1404822652 | t3_2a4j8v | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by realizing that my favorite pornstar (that I've been fapping too for years) looks like a young version of my mom. NSFW
My mom has white hair now. But when she was young, she had jet black hair. I saw some old photos of her recently and there was something I just couldn't put my finger on.
Then I realized that when my mom was younger she looked an uncanny amount like [Kendra Lust](http://www.freeones.com/html/k_links/Kendra_Lust/)(NSFW), one of my (old) favorites.
Now.. I... I just don't know.
Dr_SnM: I would like to see a picture of your mom when she was young. You know for reference.
Lord_Buttratheon: Same here.
Just to see one thing.
buddha_knows_best: Yes yes... I concur..
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1404807320 | 1404830673 | t3_2a4m2h | t5_2to41 | 8 | frenchmeister: TIFU by accidentally brushing my teeth with Monistat
I'm house sitting for my aunt and uncle for a month and just made the 10 hour drive to their place today and was exhausted while getting ready for bed. To make matters worse, and I'm honestly not sure why or how, my old tube of yeast infection cream ended up in the pocket of my toiletry bag reserved for my toothbrush and floss. It's the exact same size as my travel sized toothpaste. Almost empty too, just like my toothpaste the last time I used it. When I went to brush my teeth, the side with the logo and everything was facing away, so I didn't notice anything wrong until the toothbrush was in my mouth, and instead of minty freshness there was a bland, cardboard-like smell/taste in my mouth.
Cue spitting out the "toothpaste", picking up the tube to see what was wrong with it, and even more vigorous spitting once I saw phrases like "external vulvar cream" and "vaginal antifungal." I rinsed out my mouth with water quite a few times, and once the Monistat actually came in contact with my tongue it became insanely bitter and all around nasty tasting. I rubbed a wet washcloth all over my teeth to make sure there was nothing left clinging to them, thoroughly rinsed off my toothbrush, and then brushed my teeth with copious amounts of genuine toothpaste, yet there's still a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. If you've ever felt tempted to taste miconazole nitrate cream because you're a sick fuck or were just intrigued by its pearliness, let me just stop you there because it's all kinds of awful. It tasted even worse than the time I accidentally took a sip of the water I was rinsing off paintbrushes in (I may or may not be a complete fucking retard).
There's no sign of my actual travel toothpaste either, so I'm not sure what the fuck happened there.
throwawayghia: Good news - no fungus in your mouth now!
frenchmeister: At least I won't get thrush now right?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1404809614 | 1404815626 | t3_2a4nug | t5_2to41 | 7 | CroMoGo: TIFU by getting fined for drinking in public
It has been well over a year since I even had a conversation with a police officer. I had hoped that time would continue for longer.
So I have made a habit of sitting down by the river in town, right underneath a "No Drinking!" sign. The sign is there because it is where people go to drink. Ironic, really.
Enjoying a Vilkmerges dark beer and trying to play guitar even though I'd had a few, suddenly *he* appeared in front of me.
Crap. I gave him my ID and had to go and stand by this cop car for 10 minutes while me and some others got written up.
Now I have a 15Lt fine (£3.75) which is negligible, but the real bother is I gave my address. Why didn't I give a fake address? That is how I fucked up. It is not real trouble, but I would have preferred they didn't know my address.
Promotheos: Judging by your currency, you aren't in canada but here giving a fake address (obstruction of justice) results in much more serious charge than a drinking ticket.
speakthenthink: Besides, if he has your name from your id, your adress isn't that much of a secret. They just put your name in the system and out rolls an adress, your job and if the nsa did it's best even your pants size.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404811094 | 1404848049 | t3_2a4p4x | t5_2to41 | 95 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling the DJ to play "Darude - Sandstorm" at a party.
For those who are unaware, the song Darude Sandstorm has been doing its rounds on the internet for the past few days. *It's fucking everywhere.* note: I actually like this song.
Last night, I find myself at a party (60 - 70 people, aged 17/18ish) with a few mates, but it was mostly new people. Eager to make good impressions with the fresh meat, I start chatting up some of the new people I haven't met before, specifically those with vaginas. *#ladiesman*
2 hours into the party I find myself talking to the DJ (well, a guy who had his computer hooked up to the sound system). Mildly-intoxicated-me **jokingly** says, "*Hey you should put on ****Darude Sandstorm***". For some fucking reason I thought he'd get the joke that has plagued our internet for the last few days. I don't fucking know why I thought he would get it, I don't know why anyone would... ahh what's the worst that can happen.
He kind of chuckles and goes to his computer to presumably search for the tune. I bid my farewells, still unsure if he got the reference or not, and rejoin the party.
A few minutes later the fabled sounds are heard by the masses... "*Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ...*"
*Ah here we go. This is the shit! This is .. wait what.*
I look around and to my horror I realise that not one fucking cunt in the room gets the joke. The response is pathetic. "*Turn this shit off", "What is this 90's shit", "Play the next song dude...*". I start sweating. Profusely.
It now seems like EVERYONE is giving the DJ shit. Not because the song is *THAT* bad but simply because intoxicated 17 year olds likes a bit of banter at a party. Suddenly, the floor becomes the most interesting thing in the world as I avoid making eye contact with everyone and everything.
He stops the track. Everything gets a little quieter. I glance up.
*He points at me... Our eyes meet.* I start having several heart attacks at once. My corneas feel like they have acquired about 6 different types of cancer..
*"That's the guy who told me to put it on!"*
*Oh my fucking God. No. Fuck. No.*
Everyone's head turns to me. It's like a fucking movie.
It was at this very moment that I wanted to crawl into a hole, and die. Everyone is looking at me like they want to molest me then toss my lifeless body from this cruel earth. Their brutal words pierced my skin, '*What the fuck you freak', 'Gayest song ever dude cmon', 'Who the fuck is this kid?!*" Most people didn't really care, I mean who would, but some people seemed genuinely pissed off.
Again, I stress it wasn't the sheer hate for the song that spurred these drunk teens on to hurl abuse at me, it was just drunken banter. *Regardless! It. Still. Hurts.*
Nobody really wanted to talk to me after that. The Gangas were NOT mirin' hard that night.
... and that my comrades, is how I fucked up playing Darude fucking Sandstorm at a party, essentially cock-blocking myself for the rest of that seemingly endless night.
edit: Formatting, Grammar.
C477um04: I don't get the joke either. ive been all over reddit and youtube for the last couple of days and I haven't heard any mention of the song. I put it on while reading and was surprised as hell that it was THAT song which I have only heard before on one of my parents (in their 50s) old CDs that they play in the car.
xshivax: I've seen the prevelance of this joke on twitch.tv - whenever somebody in the chat types "what is this song?", the other viewers always reply with 'Darude - Sandstorm' regardless of what song is actually playing. If Darude - Sandstorm is actually playing the chat is often spammed with "DUDUDUDUDUDUDU".
In terms of League of Legends I have also seen variations of 'Darude - Sandstorm'. One example of this is a well known League of Legends streamer 'Dyrus', who people call 'Dyrone' (unsure why). There is an on-going joke that when Dyrus is not streaming his game, he is 'in jail' (with another streamer known as 'Scarra').
Due to this joke a variation of the song name changed to 'Dyrone - Jailstorm'.
(There was also another variation I saw of a Russian player 'Darien - Weedstorm'.)
Redtail3: Uh, it mostly doesn't only have to do with Dyrus. A long time ago, a streamer just played that song on repeat the whole fucking time he was playing games, and it kinda caught on. Now on most video game vids on youtube, when somebody asks for the name of a song in it, some guy will always say "oh that song is Darude Sandstorm" so yea, gets annoying after a while.
xshivax: I didn't say it was 'only to do' with Dyrus. I said 'in terms of League of Legends', and game it as an example of a variation I had heard. (Not sure if you actually read my post.)
Redtail3: I skimmed through it, you focused mainly on the jailbird though. Then I read the beginning of your post, so I tried rewording my comment a bit.
| 6 | 15.833333 | |
1404812357 | 1404875477 | t3_2a4q5w | t5_2to41 | 13 | emoposer: TIFU by Running Over My Neighbors Dog, No I Don't Feel Bad
So I'm backing out of my driveway and out of nowhere that dumbass dog runs right behind my left tire. I caught a glimpse of it on the rear view cam but I didn't have enough time to stop. I was already late for work and I have been for the past little while and I decided to deal with it when I got home. Luckily my neighbor thinks it was the Fedex guy and the only person with cameras on on my street is me. You can clearly see the dead dog after I drive over it but I deleted the footage so I'm not worried. I don't feel bad because that bitch would bark and wake me up at 4:00 a.m. and shit on my yard so fuck I'm happy it's in dog hell lol. It was a samoyed or some shit like that, my neighbor was always bragging about it. I did feel a little guilty because aplarently it was expensive but a tree in his yard fell over during a storm breaking our fence and this cunt didn't pay for it so I think we're even now.
Kill_The_Dinosaurs: You are probably a serial killer.
emoposer: Pretty big accusation considering I have never even been in a fight, I'm really nice to humans. I couldn't care less about animals.
Kill_The_Dinosaurs: Based on statistics it isn't a big accusation - it's in keeping with your mentality.
emoposer: Okay, I can see what you're getting at. You've seen three episodes of criminal minds and suddenly you're a Harvard Psychiatrist with over 50 published works on cereal killers alone. You work as profiler for the FBI and understand every element of my behavior? I get it now! No, but seriously I have had psychiatric evaluations with a real psychiatrist, I do not fit the profile or "mentality" as you call it of a serial killer at all.
Kill_The_Dinosaurs: So, you're just a sociopath, then?
I can tell that you're not right in the head because of all my training, publications, and experience ...
emoposer: So instead of acknowledging how stupid you sounded by trying to profile me over reddit with no qualifications that would make you fit to do so, you decide to troll me in the lamest way possible. Bravo sir, bravo.
Kill_The_Dinosaurs: TIL I am a troll.
| 8 | 1.625 | |
1404816259 | 1404831535 | t3_2a4t8a | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally giving my best friend a handjob (NSFW)
10th grade. Me, my then-best friend and her then-boyfriend had run out of school during lunch break and we had gone to a bar. (Drinking age is 18, many bars in large cities let high school students in during the day.) I don't drink much, but they do. So I ordered a glass of white wine and they each ordered 2 shots of tequila, then they proceeded to devour each other while waiting for the drinks while I took my tablet out and started watching Fringe. Because, you know, third wheel or Ottoman History. As hours pass by I drank a cup of coffee and they drank 4 more shots of tequila and 2 50cl beers each. At this point they were drunk and loud. My friend was trying to make her bf jealous by blowing me kisses. She then poured some mayonaisse on her hand and tried to lick it, this then became a frequent inside joke. She finally managed to make her bf angry and they started fighting, so loud that they kicked us out of the bar. They continued to fight on the street, and the bf left filled with drunk rage. My friend, on the other hand was obviously drunk and could not go home, and also going through period pain. We decided to go to another bar/cafe and drink coffee till she's sober again. As we drank our coffees, she asked me to massage her crotch to relieve the pain a bit. I did so while she went back and forth between tipsy and sleeping. As I reached for my coffee, I realised that my hand was moist and sticky. I panic, immediately stopped it, and wondered why she hadn't stopped me. An hour later she was sober enough to *look* sober in front of her mother, so I walked her to the bus, and then left for mine.
Fast forward 16 months: We're still friends, if not best friends, though we really don't see each other out of school or meet. Yesterday, we did meet and I asked her if she remembered that day. She said she remembered everything surprisingly clearly, though she hadn't realised anything sexual was happening or anything about the moisture.
[deleted]: She asked you to massage her crotch ? And you didn't think it was weird ?
[deleted]: I still don't think it is.
[deleted]: So you just realized you fucked up after you massaged her vagina that's nice story bro. If you don't think its weird then you didn't fuck it up.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1404816568 | 1405282242 | t3_2a4thc | t5_2to41 | 177 | [deleted]: TIFU by fingering a girl in the backseat of a car
limasierra: I'm kind of astounded at how many people here are focussing on the fact that these girls didn't tell you their feelings.
*YOU FINGERED SOMEONE IN A PACKED CAR!!!*
Bootswithderfuhrer: Did you go to college? A solid chunk of the freshman experience is having to listen to two people bang in the bunk above you
limasierra: I went to university in Britain where we don't have to sleep in a bunk bed with a stranger because **that's a crazy thing for adults to do**.
Bootswithderfuhrer: Well, consider yourself lucky. Here in the US, it's pretty normal to have 2 or 3 students crammed into a small dorm room. Bunks are necessary to conserve space (more room for activities!). And they are only strangers for about a day. After that, you should know them well enough where they are no longer a stranger. I think it's a good practice, to be honest. Learning to live with another individual who has different routines and such is a good skill to have
limasierra: I agree that learning to live with other people is a massive part of college/university. We still share a kitchen and bathroom with several other people at uni but we have our own rooms so can have sex/wank/do drugs or basically whatever we want in privacy. Why is there such a space is issue on American campuses? I thought murica was s'posed to be big.
Bootswithderfuhrer: The major universities are huge. However, dorm space is limited. In order to make up for education budget cuts (the state decided to cut funding for state universities), the school decided to let in more people. Fraternities aren't usually a whole lot better either (at least for Freshman). In a frat, all the pledges/freshman usually get crammed into an attic that has 25 or so bunk beds in it.
Only the freshman were screwed though. After your freshman year here, most people move into apartments off (or on) campus. Then you get your own room and everything is fine. But for some reason, they force you to live in a tiny-ass dorm room your freshman year.
| 7 | 25.285714 | |
1404814946 | 1404841411 | t3_2a4s70 | t5_2to41 | 37 | chaosinthecalm: TIFU by singing in the men's bathrooms
I had just finished using the urinal in a public toilet and was heading towards the sinks to wash my hands. My tired brain assumed that that I was the sole occupant of the bathroom so decided to sing aloud (at some volume) "Do you wanna build a snowman? Or ride your bike around the ha.....". At that point a bearded gentleman exited the cubicle behind me. His expression made it clear that my man points had descended into the negatives.
7up_your_mum: The outrageous laugh that just erupted from behind my work desk nearly just got me fired. Good story.
donttouchmybuttz: Why would you almost get fired for laughing? What kind of hellish place do you work?
EyeOfTheDragoon2014: Probably a place where if you're laughing, you're probably not getting any work done. Therefore not being a productive employee. Therefore pissing off your boss because you aren't being productive.
But yes that is a very hellish place if thats the case.
AndyandAndy: Maybe his laughter brought to attention that he was on reddit
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1404822325 | 1404840629 | t3_2a4yyw | t5_2to41 | 385 | rex_cars: TIFU by browsing my (adult) son's reddit posts
Boredom can be a dangerous thing. It can lead one into all sorts of trouble. As my kids were growing up, whenever they would say 'I'm bored', I would remind them that there is nothing wrong with being bored, because back then I could remember the kind of trouble that boredom could lead one into. Fast forward from the kids developing years to last night as I lay in bed, not able to sleep and browsing reddit. I was bored. (It is ok to be bored) I couldn't find anything interesting. (It is ok to be bored) I found a thread my (adult) son had made. Allright, found something interesting, read through it and back to boredom again. (It is OK to be bored). BRIGHT IDEA. I will browse through my (adult) son's reddit postings to find something interesting to read. As I'm scrolling through, not much grabs my eye. Car stuff, that girl is hot stuff, car stuff, computer stuff, more car stuff, then it hit me upside the head. Chesthairporn. If it had just been the subreddit with a title there would have been no problem for me, but as small as that thumbnail was on my phone the image is forever burned in my mind. I closed the browser window and threw up in my mouth a little. (It is OK to be bored)
BetterWhenImDrunk: Well actually your son fucked up by giving you his user name, this isn't facebook.
American-Negro: My exact thoughts. There is no reason your family and friends need to know your username.
rex_cars: In my opinion, I should have taught him better, like when and where a throwdown account would be appropriate to use.
drunk-astronaut: A throwdown account sounds like an account you open when you want to street fight your fellow redditors.
chelsmjlv: Dibs on u/mortgoldman because I'm def going to runaway like a coward when redditors try to fight me.
drunk-astronaut: I opened up a throwdown account for this. You wanna step outside.
MortGoldmanAhhhhhh: Ahhhhhh! *runs away*
erind97: I can't believe /u/MortGoldman was taken already
MortGoldmanAhhhhhh: Somebody out Jew-ed me
| 10 | 38.5 | |
1404826085 | 1404829989 | t3_2a53nd | t5_2to41 | 29 | seppty: TIFU by having sex with my friend's girlfriend - again
All right so yesterday I posted about sleeping with my friends girlfriend. Today we met to talk about it. The plan was to come up with some way to make it "go away"
Problem is I am so crazy attracted to her. And since my friend is kinda ordinary in bed, while I am kinky as hell, she was very attracted to me now as well. So we fucked again. Some really nice and kinky sex.
This is a fuck up because we were supposed to solve it. Not make it worse. We have currently agreed that both of us wants to have sex again. I'm crazy attracted to her and she's so into the kinky sex stuff.
But I don't want to tell my friend and she doesn't want to break up with him. The current plan is to keep having sex secretly, but we both feel very guily (which sadly also is a turn-on)
I don't know what to do. There's no way I can stop myself from having sex with her as long as she also wants it. But I feel bad for my friend and I'm scared he'll find out.
TIFU
Jes159: *Throws bro code at OP*
NoDiggityNoDoubt: But there's always only one exception:
> Unless she's hot!
\- Barney Stinson
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1404826778 | 1404885846 | t3_2a54ll | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing my jizz shirt
I'm a typical, horny, 18 year old guy; so I tend to sit in my room and jerk off all the time. I don't have a "dedicated" rag to blow my load into (the thought of having someone stumble upon a flaky and hard rag is horrifying).
So instead I grab a shirt off the top of my clothes hamper and blow it into that. I'm not gonna wear dirty clothes again, they're gonna be washed soon, so why not? And I'm the only one who does my laundry.
Well apparently I didn't put THIS shirt in the hamper. I found this shirt thrown in the corner of my room, and I had just taken a shower and was lazy so I threw it on, looked clean enough.
Then I walk out into the living room where aunts/uncles/cousins are still over from Independence Day. One particularly nosey cousin points out a large...crusty stain on the side of my torso. Cue every relative looking at me.
I look down and draped down the entire side of me is a pale, flaky, crusty stain. He yells "What the hell is that!?".
I turn beet red and run into my room. I threw off the shirt and i'm still hiding in here. I can hear them talk about me and they have to know. I don't think I can show my face again.
Syncharmony: Blowing a load into your tshirt because it's dirty is like shitting your pants instead of going to the bathroom because you're just going to wash them later.
Buy some damn tissues dude.
Trae32566: That doesn't exactly work, the tissue gets stuck and rips.
| 3 | 12 | |
1404821734 | 1404855909 | t3_2a4yan | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: tifu by making my friends girlfriend cry
this actually happened a few years ago, at the time my mate was dating this girl and I'll just say before I say anything else, my humour is pretty weird in terms of how twisted or dark jokes I can say (I even laughed at marley and me when the dog dies) anyway the girlfriend had been showing us something on Facebook which was incredibly cringy . I said this
'ooh that post gave me cancer'
the girl looks at me in tears and runs out the room.
then I remembered what she had told me that morning her sister had died a week before of cancer
fbi_does_not_warn: You are a dick. Good job.
[deleted]: I know, I wasn't trying to upset her, I just thought it'd make her laugh or something as I had forgot the sister had died, I went out straight away and apologised. she understood I was just trying to show off
fbi_does_not_warn: Lucky you. Now you share a memory with a group of people who will never let you forget. Ever!!
[deleted]: ha yeah I know, not the worst thing I've do by a long shot though
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1404827660 | 1404848893 | t3_2a55u2 | t5_2to41 | 20 | Fishthrowaway101: TIFU by implying my boss had poor personal hygiene
This happened a few weeks ago but I still feel terrible. Hopefully you guys can learn from my mistake and get a laugh out of it.
I got my first (student) job as a butcher/fishmonger in an upmarket supermarket in the UK, I was really excited and eager to start working. I'd landed it first time, aced the interview, and it was the only job application I've ever done. They put me on a 3 month contract which they said they'd extend after.
Fast forward 2 months and a few weeks, I'm happily cleaning away, gutting fish and serving customers when my section manager walks past, waits for me to stop serving and says to me "smells a bit fishy around here doesn't it?" I should have said something like "well, it is a fish counter isn't it?" She's usually pretty cool, so that would have been fine.
But I fucking didn't.
I said "I think it's because you just came over here." Her jaw dropped. Nothing was said. She turned and walked off. My asshole tightened so fast I think it whistled as I slowly became aware of my fuck up. I go home that night trying to reassure myself that it wasn't that bad but it fucking was.
2 days later I'm pulled into a meeting with the HR rep and the branch manager. It was like that scene in saving private Ryan, you know when the bomb goes off and his hearing going out while he's on the beach? Yeah. I didnt hear what they said. 1 week later my P45 form comes and I'm out of a job.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: I've never seen Saving Rivals Ryan. Is this a movie about beach volleyball players? I kid, I kid!
You didn't fuck up by saying those words; you fucked up by coming off serious about it, by not immediately looking her square in the eye, smiling/laughing while giving her a playful wink, and asking what you could do for her.
This probably would have properly conveyed it being a joke, and she probably would have reacted in kind.
xxsns: >while giving her a playful wank
Fixed
Seriously though. Winks are the creepiest thing ever
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Depends on the delivery.
xxsns: 'You smell like fish' ;)
You decide :D
| 5 | 4 | |
1404830196 | 1404925234 | t3_2a59nf | t5_2to41 | 99 | shmethyl: TIFU by sharing porn with my boss
About a week ago, I was asked to print a document at work, however the computer I used to write the document was temporarily disconnected from the office printer. Therefore, I emailed myself the document so I could sign onto my Gmail account from my boss's computer which was connected to the printer, and I printed it.
Today I went on her computer again to print something else and noticed something funny: the Google chrome browser had the exact same bookmarks as my chrome browser on my PC at home! I then realised what had happened. When I signed onto my Gmail on my boss's computer I had inadvertently synced up her browser to my home browser! I immediately checked the browser history on my boss's computer and there it was: dozens of pages of porn, gonewild and a variety of other nsfw subreddits that I had entertained myself with throughout the week.
I am just hoping she never needed to check her history...
downloaded_dave: Why not use Incognito mode when browsing for porn dude?
Jbregard: Why would you, when using your private computer?
ArtificiallySocial: Because if your mum visits and uses your computer you don't want it to pop up saying you watched Tranny Cumguzzlers 6.
vaginal_milk: Or worse, Backdoor Sluts 9.
thorscope: Arguably not worse...
AngryWalrus500: Not even arguably...
[deleted]: Yall should not view any of that
mada0207: ^
| 9 | 11 | |
1404828457 | 1404918351 | t3_2a570k | t5_2to41 | 3,161 | tayabw: TIFU by playing league of legends with diabetes
So I am a type 1 diabetic. I take insulin before eating meals since it take 15 minutes to start working. Earlier I took insulin and placed some leftovers in the microwave for 2 minutes. I then proceeded to start a game of league thinking I could eat while I played.
30 minutes into the game I start feeling light headed. But since we were about to win, I ignored the feeling and kept playing. As the game was coming to a close I could barely keep my eyes open, which is when it dawns on me that I am about to pass out due to low blood sugar. With no one else home and too tired to walk I got on my hands and knees and started to crawl towards the kitchen.
I get to the kitchen and since I don't have enough energy to reach the microwave I open the fridge and on bottom shelf grab an old container of orange juice. Despite the orange juice being old I started chugging until my sugar level came up enough for me to stand again.
I almost died, but at least my team won?
ExcellentSombrero: 15 minutes? My wife is Type I and takes Novalog in her pump and it takes 45 minutes to start working. We’ve been trying to find an insulin that acts more quickly than this supposed ‘fast-acting’ insulin, but no luck yet.
Rhinne: Novorapid kicks in for me in around 15-20 minutes.
I wait until I have my food in front of me before injecting, so then I can calculate how much insulin to use, and I know I'm not going to end up hypo if there's a delay getting the food for whatever reason.
ExcellentSombrero: The worst is when she estimates, takes the insulin, and then gets full before she finishes the carbs she bolused for. Then she has to force feed herself the food or eat glucose tablets.
Rhinne: I've had similar situations myself. Get my meal, count the carbs and take the insulin, but then realise my eyes were bigger than my belly and I can't manage the full meal. I just top it off with some fruit juice and something small that will last a little longer than the quicker hit from sugary liquids.
If I'm really not sure I can manage the full meal, I will eat what I can and then inject the insulin. I've been told I can inject either before, or up to 30 minutes after the meal, so it's not too bad. It's rare I do that though, because I don't trust myself to remember. I'll be more likely to forget, because I pretty much always inject before.
ExcellentSombrero: Yeah. If she injects after she'll spike to 300 - 400 before it starts working. Food usually starts working in 20 minutes, but it takes 45 for the insulin to have any effect at all. It takes an hour before it starts dropping levels to any significant degree.
Rhinne: Those numbers sound deadly to me, but that's because I'm in the UK and we work on the other scale.
For reference, 300 is 16.7 and 400 is 22.2.
With the treatment method I follow, we're told not to pay attention to levels between meals (unless you have a hypo, of course) and just go from what the levels are at the time you're having your next meal.
ExcellentSombrero: The other beautiful thing is that her Minimed Paradigm will run out of insulin without sounding any alarm at all. It just silently stops pumping. It has an alarm for low insulin, but that usually goes off about a day before you actually run out. If you do forget to refill it will just run out without making a sound or flashing a light or anything. Ironically the pump will beep and vibrate like crazy if you don't calibrate the BG sensor when it wants you to, but running out of insulin ... not worthy of an alarm.
jjherbert521: I think that is a warranty problem. Call the 800 number ASAP and get a replacement
ExcellentSombrero: It's not a warranty problem, it's a design flaw. There is no alarm that is failing. They simply don't have an alarm for running out of insulin.
jjherbert521: I deal with many pumps every day at work and they all have an alarm for low insulin. What model is your minimed if you don't mind me asking? It could be a setting. It is a huge safety risk as I am sure you know and could lead to DKA very quickly. If Medtronic can't get you a pump with this alert on it I would contact your insurance and demand them to return that pump and go with another. Animas, T-Slim, Omni-Pod and even Accuchek all have these alarms. Feel free to PM me if I can help
ExcellentSombrero: She used to have the Minimed 522 and now has the 523. Both do not have alarms for running out of insulin. They DO have alarms for low insulin, but that's not the same thing.
jjherbert521: I looked up the user manual today and there are 2 options that can help her. First one is on page 166 of the user guide it states there is an alarm for EMPTY RESERVOIR. The other option is that you can change the default setting for low insulin from the default 20 until to your own like 5 units. Please call minimed and find out why the empty reservoir alarm is not working!!!
ExcellentSombrero: > _I looked up the user manual today and there are 2 options that can help her. First one is on page 166 of the user guide it states there is an alarm for EMPTY RESERVOIR._
Their idea of an alarm is a little black circle a little larger than the head of a pin that appears on the display of the pump ... silently.
> _The other option is that you can change the default setting for low insulin from the default 20 until to your own like 5 units._
We tried that. The problem with that is that suddenly you find yourself at a restaurant or work without enough insulin to make it until you can refill.
The 523 behaves the same.
| 14 | 225.785714 | |
1404831655 | 1404865444 | t3_2a5c1j | t5_2to41 | 26 | jesusHERCULESchrist: TIFU by playing Skyrim.
OK, disclaimer, the fuck-up itself wasn't today, but rather over the course of the last tow weeks. However the result of the fuck-up has only come to light recently, and i only figured out want it was today.
Ok, on to the story. As you probably know, the Steam sales finished a while ago. During the sales i bought Skyrim, and fell in love. I have never played a game quite like it before, with the grand open world and the levelling up mechanic, and i have been playing it a lot. For most of the last two weeks of having the game i played it all damn day. I spent over ten hours hours sitting down playing this game every day for at least 10 days. I used to game like this a lot, but i stopped after i became a little paranoid about blood clots and shit. So a couple days ago i was nearing the end of a Skyrm session when i noticed my left ball felt a little weird. Like it had been hit on the sensitive part (you know how the inner surface of the balls its a little more sensitive than the outer side?). It was pretty late so i just went to bed in the hope that it would be better tomorrow. Nope, it felt worse. Only this time the pain was in the OTHER ball, and sort of stretched into my leg. I figured that maybe sitting down to vast amounts of time each day was causing this, so i vacently walked around my house for the day. The discomfort would switch from nutt to nutt, sometimes with the respective leg feeling weird, sometimes with the respective arm feeling weird. I went to bed again with little relief (the discomfort had very marginally subsided), and woke up yesterday. Same deal, balls still hurt. At this point i was in a mild panic. What it they were both all contorted and twisted up and tangled up in there own tubes? What it i had cancer? If i don't tell someone i might die. But i comforted myself with the knowledge that Prostate cancer has some far more... outgoing symptoms, and that Testicular Contortion is suppose to be *amazingly* painful.
Though i am not 100% sure, i figured out last night that all the time i have spent sitting down playing Skyrim might have resulted in me crushing some nerve ending in my ass area. I have done this before to my right leg and cause a very similar sort of pain. The only difference being that the nerve damage must be near the taint because everything is effected. Eh. at least i won't die. Hopefully.
**tl;dr** Played Skyrim for so long that i crushed nerves in my taint, causing occational, and very un-nerving, testicular pain.
yesmaybeyes: I hope that can you enjoy what life is left.
jesusHERCULESchrist: I treasure every moment.
andybmcc: May want to see a doctor. I wouldn't fuck around when it comes to your fun bits.
AlwaysFeedTheYaoGuai: But fucking around is the best thing to do with them.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1404831931 | 1404843719 | t3_2a5ciq | t5_2to41 | 69 | ImPrecedent: TIFU by walking outside in only my underwear
The date is 07/08/2014 at 7:30 am and I and getting ready to go to sleep, -I work graves. I lock the doors, I feed my cat and strip down to my underwear. I don't particularly like this underwear. It's the new fruit of the loom boxer briefs. They fit nice, but my penis tends to pop out of them when squatting down or sleeping. Next, a heavy rain starts. I walk to the garage to make sure none of the rain water is getting into my freshly epoxy coated garage floor -36-hours fresh. I close the man-door behind me. The overhead garage door is only a foot off the ground to allow circulation. I look at the floor and it's dry. No worries. No rain water is coming in. I'm confident, and my floor looks great! I walk back to the door and...
[http://imgur.com/a/nXKEe]
(http://imgur.com/a/nXKEe)
I'm locked outside of my house! I laugh and begin pacing around. The rain stops. I look at the tools that I have available to me in my garage. I go for the flat head screw driver first. I maneuver it between the latch and the strike. Right away i see the trim on the door begin to morph to the shape of the screw driver. I think, "Perhaps I'll just sleep out here until my wife gets home. I can't do that she has a 12 hour shift today." I find a painter's stirring stick and break it in half. I think by breaking it in half I'll have a thin edge to maneuver against the latch. I jam it in with all my strength, but nothing. My cat starts crying inside the house. I can hear him jump at the door-knob a couple times trying to save me from unavoidable embarrassment. The 10-lbs exotic shorthair's efforts are futile. I pace around again, hoping my cat will calm down and leave the door alone, maybe find something else to do. The mosquitoes start buzzing around my ears and now I need to pee. I think, "If I try to pee outside wearing only underwear the cops will be on top of me in no time. No ID, trying to break into a house, it's a believable story... I'm in my underwear." There is a big bag of rags available. I consider crafting pants and a shirt. How stupid can I be there is no sowing needle in my garage! My cat quiets down, and I go back to the door. I try the painter's stirring stick again, but the tip is becoming withered. I wrap the tip with a square paint sample and try again. I push with all my might. Nothing. I pull the stick out and the paint sample is now shredded. I use a rag to wrap the stick for a little extra durability. Still not enough. I pull on the door. I don't know why I pull, I need to push. Then I hear the door click fully shut. I think, "What just happened, did I have it open for a moment? I don't think so. Maybe it was; if I did it once i can do it again." I try the stick wrapped in the rag a little more. Nothing. I stop to walk around and kill 3 mosquitoes. I see car lights pass by my feet and stop. I freeze. I think, "I can get this myself, I don't need anyone's help, maybe it's the cops, have I been making to much noise?" The lights start moving again and disappear. I peek under to see who is there. No one is there. Now I'm ready to go back inside. I grab the cold steel pick and jamb it in place trying to jack the door open. Nothing. I try the screw driver again, it puts a second mark into my door frame. Upset about the frame, I make the mark even more noticeable by pushing it further. I have it in twice as far as what it was before. I'm sure it will open, but nothing. I stop to walk and look around again. I dance a little because I need to pee even greater. I consider urinating in a bucket, but I don't and it passes. I think, "sleeping in the garage with the overhead door cracked open, but what if the neighbors see me, what if I need water before my wife gets home. No I'll be fine, there is a water spigot in the garage. What if I can't sleep, I need to sleep in order to work tonight." I look at the buckets in the garage and take the wire handle off one of them. I shape it in a way to pass between the latch and the strike. It fits and the door pops open an inch. I stop and breath for a second. I laugh. I walk inside. My cat has long forgotten about me. He is sleeping in the hallway. The time is now 8:30 am. It has been an hour. I use the toilet, wash my hands, grab my camera and head to reddit! I type this story and now I'm going to bed.
FormicGuy: So, is it time to hide a couple of spare keys outside your house? I have three which are wrapped in plastic, sealed with electrical tape, and hidden in unusual but easily accessible places. It is cheaper to make a spare key than repair the door casing.
sgtspike: Why do you have three and not just one?
Seldarin: After using one, it's really easy to forget to put it back. And if he has room mates or family that live with him, there's a chance one of them may have used one and not put it back.
One time of being locked out will teach you to have a spare. One time of being locked out and thinking "Where's my spare key? Oh right, on the coffee table." will teach you to hide several.
sgtspike: Haha yikes, I guess I don't lock myself out as often as you do!
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1404829812 | 1404839066 | t3_2a5932 | t5_2to41 | 6 | MaryMudpie: TIFU by shaving my legs
Firstly: I ran out of shaving cream halfway through. I have one shaven leg and one hairy leg.
Secondly: FUCKING HELL THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE
Maybe I'll just stick to being a yeti.
Jedisaurus: If you have a gentle technique you can shave with shower gel, soap or just water so long as you don't rush. Why so much blood?
MaryMudpie: Well, there's my problem. I wouldn't exactly call my technique "gentle". (Also I was using a disposable razor.)
| 3 | 2 | |
1404835101 | 1404914832 | t3_2a5i00 | t5_2to41 | 140 | mmrn: TIFU by giving head sick
I got to my boyfriend's house early and was definitely in the mood to give him a world-class bj. I had been sick for a couple days but was finally (finally!) feeling up to par enough to not be useless in bed. He was obviously up for it. I was going at it, doing everything he liked. Spitters are quitters (haha) so when he got close to cumming I got excited and really was going deep. Then the remnants of my illness kicked in and I sneezed. As he was cumming. His cum came out my nose, totally laughing-while-drinking-milk-style. For the rest of the day, I was tortured with the weird taste and smell in my mouth and nose. I guess we should've had sex instead...
[deleted]: Im 99% sure there is a porn gif floating around of a chick blowing a dude who then shoves her face down on his cock and cums..and it shoots out her nose.
EChondo: Funny how I can find the sauce of it rather than the gif.
NSFW: http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=781975957
| 3 | 46.666667 | |
1404839660 | 1404841899 | t3_2a5q3c | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend next to my sleeping dad.
Happen more like a week ago while on vacation with my girlfriend and my family.
OK so. My family was planning a trip to West Palm Beach for the 4th of July weekend. They asked if I wanted to bring my girlfriend, so I said sure why not. So we go pick her up, get our things ready, as and then leave. It was a 3 hour drive. So half way through my girlfriend start pulling on my hair and give me that look. I didn't think anything of it (I'm bad with signal) and I start messing around her by dragging my nails across her legs lightly... Boy did I just made the biggest mistake. She look at me and give me the "I am gonna to make you my bitch" look. Fast forward we arrive at the hotel and get settled in. My dad quickly fall asleep on the bed next to my girlfriend and I bed. While my mom uses the bathroom and leaves for a while. So as I am lying down and put my head on my pillow. My girlfriend comes out of nowhere, pull my hair,bite into my neck, and drag her nails across my side.. Its on like Donkey Kong wearing a thong. So we get busy lasted for a good hour. We finished, get ourselves cleaned up,and head to bed.
Early that morning around 7. I hear my dad and mom talking in Spanish. I just keep my eyes closed and listen to them. My ears could not believe what I just heard. Apparently, my dad woke up in the middle of the night and heard us. And he telling my mom about it. My mom is laughing her ass off about it. I went back to sleep with much embarrassments and thought I was gonna get my ass chew on later. I wake around 9 and wake my girlfriend to get ready for the beach. As we're getting ready, I made first eye contact with my dad, he smiled and said in English (His English is broken) so did you guys have fun last night?
I'm smiling, laughing and embarrassed. My girlfriend is purely embarrassed.
Turn out my parents aren't even mad and don't really care.
TL;DR Had sex with my girlfriend at the hotel, next to my dad to the bed next to us. My dad wasn't asleep. He told my mom. Both of them laughed at us. Aren't mad at me.
JuntaEx: How is this a fuck up? You're fine. Funny story though
[deleted]: Well my parents thought I was a good catholic boy. And I wouldn't even do anything like that lol
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1404839226 | 1404862536 | t3_2a5pas | t5_2to41 | 22 | shadowzawfsinn: TIFU by giving all the money i had to a random stranger.
I had to go to the RTO office to pay the road tax(india) for my bike, which I transferred from another state to my current state. I meet this person near the help desk and ask him the procedure to pay road tax. So he tells me to come with him and goes on to fill a form and gives me a receipt which says it will cost around 8000 Rs in tax and another Rs 500 as comission. I asked him comission for what? And he tells me some random gibberish about procedure and stuff. Being the fucking dumbass that I am, I go to the atm and take out that amount which was all that I had,hand him off the money and then ask him for the receipt.
I guess I should tell you now that this was in between my lunch break from work , which was already over at this point. So I was getting anxious to get back.
So anyways he asks me to wait. I wait for an hour and finally the guy shows up. He asks me to come tomorrow. I said I'll need a receipt or some kind of proof for the cash i handed him over. He says he will give it tomorrow. We argue for a bit and finally i just get his number. I knew I should not have let it go but I tell him I will come back tomorrow.
The worst part is I totally was there knowing and understood something is going wrong but I went ahead with it anyways. I am so pissed off at myself. If this shit goes south, I don't know what I would tell my parents. Because They already think I am super bad with money. Goddamnit.
Now I am waiting for tomorrow hoping that guy will keep his word. I am ashamed of my stupidity. Someone might as well shoot me.
Adr123: Isn't that only about 8 Dollars?
uhhyeahseatbelts: 8500 R is about $142 USD - not a huge amount of money but it certainly sucks to lose that, especially when it's all you have.
Adr123: Oh, i thought you said it was less.
sorry that happened.. if not, fake a reciept
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1404837418 | 1404910577 | t3_2a5m28 | t5_2to41 | 1,211 | awkwardurinalglance: TIFU by trying to get a relaxing massage in Vietnam.
On the day before I was supposed to leave Vietnam I decided to go get another massage so that I could relax and hopefully catch some sleep before we had to head off back to Korea. The first massage I got was brilliant. This 90 pound Vietnamese girl just beat the living shit out of my muscles. She even did that Asian step on your shit with bare feet thing. As a helpful tip, if you are getting an Asian massage and you suspect that the masseuse is indeed foot-steppin’ on your shit, it is best not to try and roll over and see her in action. This movement will almost definitely cause her to fall off the table. (Mine luckily had cat-like reflexes and caught herself on a hanging picture) But besides that minor flub the whole experience was great. Plus it was cheap as shit (less that five bucks). So, I strolled on over to my old massage place that night and sure as shit it was closed. What kind of legitimate massagerie isn’t open at midnight on a Wednesday? Disappointed, yet undeterred I set off to find a new message place in which to break a 5 dollar bill. I assumed there would be a few 24 hour massage parlors in the area since the backpacker district mainly caters to foreigners. I also assumed that a 24 hour establishment would be shady as shit like many other aspects of Saigon. But I still searched the area through sexy bars, rats, and motorbiking hookers/drugdealers until I found the “perfect” spot. I ran across a really, really nice hotel that was advertising 24 hour sauna and massage. Booyah! This place was legit as fuck. I walked up to the 3rd floor and found an actual receptionist standing behind a nice hotelishy desk. Goddamn, this place was ranking pretty high up on the Legit-o-meter. Hell, it had already beat out my old massage parlor just for having a front door. I strolled up to the desk and took a gander at the prices.
SAUNA: $3
LEG MASSAGE: $3
FACE MASSAGE: $3
BODY MASSAGE: $9
VIP ROOM: $27
Luckily (I think), I only had about 15 dollars on me. I have long considered myself a VIP, but I am completely uncertain of what kind of special treatment one would get upon entering. Although I must admit I was curious. I mean if it had been $12 or even $15 I would have just chalked it up to hand job, blow job, or sex with a prostitute. But $27! That is like the GDP of that goddamn country. I can’t even imagine what they could be doing in there. I learned during my travels of the city through various cat calls (dog calls? siren sounds? Or maybe just hookers and drug dealers yelling shit at me) that pot was 6 bucks, cocaine was 9, and a smoking hot hooker was 12 (ugly one for 6). So, the best I could figure was that VIP meant you got to go in a room and sniff blow off of a smoking hot pothead prostie (or two ugly ones). But sadly, I will never know.
Instead I opted for the $9 body massage. A bit pricier than last time, but I was sure it would be that much awesomer. They led me into a changing room and gave me a towel to get into. There were two men just sitting in the room “working” (and/or watching dudes undress). When I put all my shit in the locker and locked it up they took me out into the next room. The sauna. It was nice and warm. There were a few steam rooms and a jacuzzi or three. My only issue with this room is that there were goddamn river rocks everywhere and they hurt the fuck out of my feet. But being the manly man I am I tiptoed through the pain with swan-like grace (and sailor-like cursing). Unsure as of where to go I just darted for the jacuzzi where all of the Asian businessmen were. But some worker caught me right before I could cannonball in. He led me into a steam room to “steam out my toxins” (I might have been a little drigh (drunk and high[on life.]{for mom ☺}).
I stepped into the steam room and almost suffocated on the goddamn smoke shit. It was hot as fuck in there. I asked if they could turn on the AC a little or something, but I don’t think they could understand. I don’t understand how anybody could find that relaxing. I was about to have a goddamn panic attack because I couldn’t breath and I accidentally scooted onto a hot bolt and I couldn’t find the goddamn door because there was more fog in there than a fucking KISS concert. Once I found the door I burst out of that shit all smooth-like, coughing my ass off, back onto those piece of shit ouchy rocks. The man that had brought me into the steamer now led me back into a different room away from the sauna area.
This new room looked like a prison cell. The walls were gray and barren and there was nothing in the room except for a cabinet on the wall, a drain hole in the middle, and two stainless steel tables (like the ones in the kitchen of a restaurant). The man asked me to lie down on one of the tables. I complied although I felt a little uncomfortable about what was happening. He gave me an inflatable pillow to lay my head on and then he snatched the towel right off me like David Copperfield. My comfort level continued to sink. Then he went digging under the table and came up with a water hose and began spraying me off like a dog. My comfort level rose back up a bit. “Right on, he’s just cleaning me off because I am all sweaty and shit. Sweet.” He stopped rinsing and then he went back under the table. This time he popped back up with a soapy glove. Before I could say anything the dude was washing the shit out of my back. I felt a bit awkward, but continued to chalk this up as a hygiene thing. I was just sweating my ass off in a steamer, it is just common decency to get showered off a little (although I am certain I could have done this myself). Then he went for my legs. “Well, goddamn.” I thought out loud. The worst part about the legs was that it tickled a lot. But if my Pops taught me nothing else, he certainly taught me not to giggle while naked and getting rubbed down by another man. I barely even smirked.
The next place he ventured was my asshole. I mean he didn’t enter the house, but I’ll be damned if the motherfucker wasn’t knocking on the door. He scrubbed my ass crack back and forth like he was swiping a Visa. The amazing part was that I didn’t want him there at all and I was doing my best to break off his fucking fingers and turn them into diamonds with my ass crack muscles but he just kept on cruising up and down Crack Ave. completely unabated by my defense systems. (I have to start doing some butt crunches or something)
(Author’s note: At this point I would love to say that this was the worst part of the story, but I simply cannot)
Once Dr. Touchybutt finished with my ass he slunk back down under the table and came back up with the hose and started to wash me off again. Even though I was bewildered as shit from having my rectum swiveled, I was fucking stoked that all of this would be over in a short second.
Then he said the last two word that I ever wanted to hear at that moment.
“Turn over”
I did. I have no idea why. (I do now know that I would have failed the fuck out of Milgram’s experiment) But I turned on over. There I was just laying there, cock swinging in the breeze, and hoping to shit that that guy from Law and Order: SVU would come smashing in and beat the fuck outta this bastard. All I could think was that if this dude starts jerking me off I am not going to like it one bit, and I am not tipping that much extra. Then Capt. Quickhands did a very “nice” thing and covered up my junk with a little towel (I mean huge towel!) and began the process of hosing my front. Then he once again soaped up and came back up with a glove and all I could think as he was scrubbing my chest was, “Goddamn, I hope that’s not the same glove”. He scrubbed my chest and armpits and then went down to my legs and feet. I actually kicked at him when he got to the bottom of my feet, because fuck that. I mean that shit tickles.
Then he went for IT….
Now he didn’t actually touch IT or rub IT. But what he did do was wrap “IT and friends” up in the towel that was over IT and he held “IT and friends” up while he scrubbed that no man’s land piece of skin between your balls and your butthole. So just to recap, he cleaned my taint (ancient southern saying: taint your nuts, but it taint your ass neither) while holding my towel-wrapped package ever so gently in the air (must’ve been strong, usually takes two hands). I have never felt so helpless in my life. I just basically went into opossum mode and played dead hoping he wouldn’t touch me anymore. Thank god he was only down there for a few minutes. I don’t think I could’ve taken much more. Then he put my package down and started hosing me off again. Then he asked me to stand up and give him the towel. He continued to hose me off.
Then he grabbed a towel and started to dry me off. I don’t know why this was my breaking point, but I snatched the towel from him and started drying my own damn self off. While I was wooling around my hair, I felt a towel go around me, and many tiny little fingers tucking it in at my waist. “For fuck’s sake!” I screamed in my head politely.
Once I was all dry and everything I was sooooooo ready to go get a massage by a woman. Hot or not. Regular massage or sexy. I just wanted to feel the least bit hetero. Then the bastard had the nerve to ask that I write down a tip so that I could be charged for being washed by a dude. There were two problems. One I didn’t want that fucking bath. And two I didn’t have very much money to hand out on me. I mean I should’ve tipped him fairly well, he worked his (and my) ass off. But I just didn’t have that much money so I did the only thing I could do in an Asian country. I pretended to be from Spain. Now I don’t speak any Spanish, but neither do they. I pretended not to know what a tip was. And after a frustrating 5 minutes he finally just took me into another room.
This next room looked pretty great. There were a bunch of chairs and juice and fruit and a movie playing. I plopped down on a chair and immediately a new dude came over with a tray of fruit and juice and sat them next to my chair. He got down on his knees in order to rub my legs, but luckily we both noticed at the same time that I was the only motherfucker in the whole room that was wearing a towel. The rest of the guys in the room were dressed in suits. I looked down at my new dude and said , “body massage?”. He took me over to a small smoking hot Vietnamese girl. FINAFUCKINGLY!!! I couldn’t help but think, “Just rub out a few of these recently added knots from the last room and we will just call it a day”.
The little woman led me into another room. Instead of a regular massage table, I found my self in the middle of four different chairs with sink things behind them. It looked like the shampoo station at the hair salon. She sat me down and made me lean way back. And then she….. washed my goddamn hair. For like a fucking hour. It would have been nice and all that except that this still was not what I wanted. And I knew that this bitch was also going to ask for a fucking tip. And like Mr. Grabass she deserved a great one, but I just didn’t have enough scratch to cover it. So, I sat there stiff and tense the whole time thinking about suicide. At one point a German guy came in and sat next to us and was talking quite dirty to his masseuse. The only reason I could tell was because of the way she was giggling after he said something and the fact that they asked me if I spoke any Vietnamese before they continued on. I of course said, “No bueno” trying to keep up my rouse of being a Spanish national. Then at the end of our session the little scalp juggler asked me to write down a tip just like the taint washer. Once again I played dumb as hell. I started walking into the hall and saying, “body massage?” and she just kept pushing a pen and paper into my hands and trying to force me to write down a number. I held strong and she was just about to give up when that German son of a bitch shouted from within the room.
“Hey, do you need my help? Where is he from? Does he speak German, Russian, English, French, Vietnamese, or Thai?”
She asked me where I was from. I was so fucking happy he didn’t say Spanish. I yelled back in the most American accent.
“Spain”
“¿Habla inglés?” and “¿Sabe de inclinar?”
I said, “Pour que?” which I think might be French because it seemed like he started rattling off in French or some goddamn language. Goddamn multi-lingual nazi. Anyways, fed up with life at that point and in general the cards being dealt that night, I just ran the fuck outta there. I told the chic that I had to check my wallet to make sure I had enough money. I ran back through the leg massage room, ran into and through the prison cell ass-rubber place, over the ouchy rock sauna and back into the changing room where I put on my clothes post haste and ran the fuck out. Before I left I dropped about 6 dollars on the counter and got the fuck outta there. I hope that the money gets to the buttrubber and the hairwasher, but at that point I could really give a fuck less. I walked back to my hotel room with my head down. I was ten times more tense now than I was before I went into that God forsaken place. Oh well, at least it only cost me six bucks. You gotta love a deal!
TL:DR- Went for a massage and got my taint and butthole washed by a tiny Vietnamese dude instead.
EDIT: GOLD! Awesome. Glad Yall enjoyed it more than I did!
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ABBDVD: lol how did you do this
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Pashow: You had to be really bored.
rain228: xD sry
| 27 | 44.851852 | |
1404837338 | 1404906484 | t3_2a5lx6 | t5_2to41 | 173 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting blackmailed on Facebook
Okay, this actually happened last week to my brother-in-law (wife's brother), but it is too good not to share. Consider it a public service announcement because I suspect this type of scam is more common than you'd expect, and the consequences are devastating.
Last Saturday I got a friend request from my brother-in-law, Tim. "Strange. I thought we were already friends," I say to my wife, Katie. So I text Tim: "We weren't friends on Facebook already?!"
He responds: "Deny it. It's not me. I got super hacked and trolled and blackmailed this morning. Ignore everything on there"
Too late. I had already accepted it. I go to the page, and all of Tim's Facebook photos had been uploaded to it--vacation albums, profile pictures, all of them. His job, location, and other "About" information is also the same as the real Tim profile. Only way I can tell it's a duplicate, fake account is that the pictures were all newly added, and we have fewer mutual friends (but still some mutual friends--this is important as you'll soon discover).
I text Tim: "Can you report it to Facebook somehow?"
"I did. I think it's gone now."
"Weird. The person messaged Katie, too. We both blocked and unfriended him.”
Lots of Facebook friends accounts get hacked, and I could see the impersonating aspect as being trolled, but the blackmail thing intrigued me so I asked Tim in a text:
“How did it happen? How did you get blackmailed?”
He responded, “I don’t really want to get into it. They are psycho though”
The fact that Tim wouldn’t talk about it just made me more curious, like he had something to hide (turns out, he did). So I try to find the fake Tim account again to contact the creator directly and try to get some answers. Tim thought the fake account was taken down, but I’m not so sure. I can’t find it when I do a Facebook search, but maybe that’s because I blocked the fake account. Turns out I was right. When I create and log in under a new Facebook profile, the fake Tim account is right there in the search results, along with the real Tim account. I click the fake one. It is the same as before, with one not-so-minor addition. A new photo album has been added at the top of his timeline, which consists of 26 screenshots of my brother-in-law, Tim, naked on a bed, wacking off in Skype session with some random Asian chick, who is also naked and masturbating on the other end. Lest one thinks that the pictures were photoshopped, there’s also a seven-minute video posted that captures the whole event entitled, “Watch me masterbaiting.” There’s no getting out of this one. The majority of Tim’s family and friends are devoutly religious, so this kind of thing is about as scandalous as it gets. Plus, Tim is newly married, and as I’m sure you understand, doing secret, naked cam sessions with someone other than your spouse is frowned upon in most relationships.
Tim posts a status update on his (real) Facebook profile, warning all his friends and family to deny any friend request from him and to not even look at the profile, but it’s too late. The comments under his status update start pouring in:
From a buddy: “Wish I would have read this update sooner. Lol”
From his mom’s friend: “I blocked him after I saw those disgusting images.”
And they just kept coming. Even Tim’s mother-in-law saw the pictures.
After the cat was out of the bag, Tim confessed to all his family in a group message thread:
“Someone who I had never met or talked to added and messaged me on Facebook yesterday, and wanted to Skype. I told her no thanks, and that I was married, but she persisted, and for whatever stupid reason (that I hate myself for) I gave in. I can’t explain why. She showed me the video she recorded without my permission and told me that if I didn’t send $800, she would release it to the internet, showing my family and friends. She kept saying she would ruin my life.”
Mission accomplished. When Tim didn't pay (because he had read online that blackmailers will often try to extort more money out of you), she created a fake Tim profile, put the video and pics up, and added all Tim's friends. It took Facebook over 24 hours to finally remove the page, but by that point the damage had been done.
The moral of this story is, don’t be a dumb ass. Don’t cam with strangers, don’t cam with strangers when you’re married, and don’t cam with strangers when they can contact all your friends and family. After some searching on Google, [blackmail scams like this are not uncommon.](http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2013/02/sexy-scammers-entice-men-into-stripping-on-webcam-then-blackmail-them/) Apart from the immediate damage those pics and that video have caused, who knows whether they will surface again in the future. He'll always have to worry about that.
TL;DR: Bro-in-law did sensual Skype session with stranger; video and pics were shared with all his friends and family when he refused to negotiate with sexy terrorist.
The_CT_Kid: Maybe it's just me... But... When I log into Facebook and "Someone who I had never met or talked to" has sent me a friend request, the last thing I'm going to do is accept their friend request. Unless I personally know you, I'm not adding you to my friends list. I just can't wrap my head around the following scenario:
---
Asian: "Be my Facebook friend!"
Idiot: "Okay!"
Asian: "Show me your dick!"
Idiot: "No, I'm married."
Asian: "*Please* show me your dick?"
Idiot: "Okay!"
---
Edit: Spelling is hard.
Throw_thee_away: I know. He claims that this is the first time anything like this has happened, but I just don't know how you go from completely faithful to doing what he did *on the same day* he meets some random stranger. Maybe if it was a gradual sort of thing, but the same day? It makes me wonder whether there are any other skeletons in the closet.
The_CT_Kid: Oh, there's skeletons in there...
sidewayzsequence: Skeletons with dildos, lube and butt plugs.
The_CT_Kid: Don't forget about the women's clothing...
| 6 | 28.833333 | |
1404841100 | 1404843699 | t3_2a5spu | t5_2to41 | 5 | jasonnosaj: TIFU by clicking the "random" subreddit button on homepage
... which brought me to "LGBTeens"... I am a 33 year old married male, and if my wife ever went through my browser history she'd probably think WTF is this pervert i married? i guess this could also be filed under "Lifeprotips"... do not click random subreddit button.
DJAngryfist: If you're that concerned about your wife's reaction to a mistake, you have bigger problems than reddit.
jasonnosaj:
I'm not concerned, however, i can only imagine the thought process of anyones significant other, especially of an older generation, after seeing that they visited a lesbian gay bi teen forum. Would you not question it yourself?
JuntaEx: I'm confused. Does she not know what ''random'' means?
''Honey, i clicked on the ''Random'' button. Here, try for yourself.''
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404842479 | 1404844301 | t3_2a5v95 | t5_2to41 | 17 | RefrigeratorPoop: TIFU by sharting at work.
AnoK760: > at a small oil and gas company.
taking work a bit too seriously are we?
RefrigeratorPoop: Didn't think about that either. You sir have my respect.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404838536 | 1404843542 | t3_2a5o2f | t5_2to41 | 8 | Bilgerman: TIFU by getting my driver's license
TIFU.
Ah, the summer of 20XX. What a glorious time to be alive. Fresh out of high school, beautiful girlfriend, great friends, enough disposable income to get high and do nothing with the rest of my time. The only thing missing from the Young American Male Summer was a car.
I had failed the first test back in May when I took my dad's Civic with the manual transmission. But now it was July, and I was at the DMV with my step-dad's Subaru Outback. A mighty vehicle, and also an automatic. I passed with flying colors, or, as the hulking mass of tester put it, "Just barely," but who gives a shit how, I passed! Let the celebration commence!
I took the receipt that indicated I had a license and slipped it into my shirt pocket and drove my mother home. Upon arriving, I asked if I could borrow the car for a little while. Mom and step-dad consented, and I was off, back to my father's house where I lived to pick up a check from work.
I made plans to pick up Girlfriend and go get lunch after I dropped my check off at the bank. It was a beautiful warm day, and I threw my button-up shirt onto the couch, grabbed my ipod, and hopped back in the car.
My ipod was precariously arranged on the dash, so in little time ended up on the passenger side floor. The road leading down from my house is a twisty and steep one, one a driver should never take their eyes off of. I bent down to pick up the ipod from the floor, and in doing so pulled the wheel slightly to the right.
You know those moments when you know you've fucked up and there's just no going back? That perfect combination of idiotic and reckless behavior you thought could never hurt you, but you know now, it will?
I heard the loudest noise I had ever heard, followed by seeing pavement out the side window, which promptly shattered into my face. There was some yellow thing, a tent maybe, doing all sorts of gravity defying gymnastics in the back seat, reflected in the rear view mirror.
I can tell you it felt like a very long time before we came to rest again, but it had to be only a second. Needess to say, I was a little shaken, in fact, I was literally shaking with tension as I stepped out of the car to survey the damage. Intuitively, I knew what had happened. When I bent down, I turned the wheel far enough to the right that my front right bumper hit the back left of a parked car. This caused me to spin out until my tires were near perpendicular with the street. Because of all the momentum and the fact that I was still on a slight decline, the tires caught the road and caused the vehicle to flip one complete time all the way back to its tires. Being that they are tires, and rolling is their job, upon finding the pavement again they rolled my vehicle into the two side doors of the car parked in front of the one I hit. So, final score, totaled cars: 3, stupid kid: 1.
Seeing the chaos I had caused with my stupidity, I started screaming 'fuck' at the top of my lungs until some guy came out of the office near me and asked if we could move the car out of the road. I don't think he knew what had happened exactly, but when I told him the car had rolled, he told me to lie down in the grass by the sidewalk.
It is an interesting feeling to hear sirens and know they're coming for you.
When the police and paramedic arrived, I was sitting on the grass explaining what happened to my step-father over the phone. That sweet, sweet man. Never have I known someone to be so calm and rational about their property being utterly destroyed by an idiot. The guy deserves sainthood. The paramedic, similarly, was very sweet and very kind, and she said all the things I needed to hear as she placed the neck brace on me and lay me down on the gurney. The police officer, however, saw a wild eyed teenager with long hair sweating profusely (diuretic, I believe, is the term) and assumed I was on many, many drugs. Of course he asked me for my license, proof of which was in my shirt on the couch at home. The DMV hadn't even had time to process my license yet, as this was "just barely" a half-hour after I had passed. So I got a ticket for driving without a license and a ticket for speeding and grilled about being high or drunk.
This was nothing, I thought at the time, compared to the insults about to be received. When I got to the hospital, they pulled out scissors and cut all my clothes off. I wasn't particularly modest, but I was wearing my favorite blue t-shirt, my "lucky" blue t-shirt, *I loved that shirt*, and they callously cut it off my body and chucked it in a big white plastic bag. Then they rolled me onto my side to check for internal bleeding. I was confused about how they would do such a thing, but then I saw the lab tech grease up a gloved finger, and in he went. Luckily, I was not bleeding out of my ass, though I suppose I'm glad they checked. I was, however, not too ecstatic about having my butt hole penetrated by some dude in a surgical mask.
Anyway, after hours of waiting for them to check my x-rays, they determined that no, I did not have any internal injuries, no there was no damage to the neck, and yes, the only thing that happened to me was a friction burn on my forearm. They sent me home soon after with a bandage around my arm and a great deal of shame.
Tl;dr: Riding the high of just getting a driver's license, I totaled three cars and ended up with a finger in my butt.
One last thing: WEAR YOUR FUCKING SEAT BELT, KIDS. WEAR IT. WITHOUT IT, I WOULD HAVE BEEN STRAWBERRY JELLY. WEAR YOUR FUCKING SEAT BELT. SERIOUSLY.
mmiller1188: How long was it before you were allowed to drive? 16/17 year old males have ridiculously high insurance as it is.
I imagine totaling 3 vehicles while reading for something on the floor (undoubtedly interpreted by police as texting) can't be good for insurance rates.
Glad you were okay.
I almost rear ended someone after my road test. My car was an automatic and I took the road test on my automatic car. However, I learned to drive between both of my parents' manual transmission vehicles. At 16, I didn't do so well ad adopting to driving an automatic transmission back and fourth. I made the mistake of hitting the gas instead of the brake. Luckily, because I was used to driving manual, I put my left foot on the "clutch" aka wide brake pedal and stopped before hitting anything.
Bilgerman: 20XX was long enough ago that texting while driving wasn't a thing yet. I was 18 at the time. Bizarrely enough, this had little impact on my license, though it did bump my insurance for quite a while. As soon as it was determined that I did in fact have a license, the first ticket got dismissed. Then the officer, who was not there to witness me speeding in the first place, did not show up for court. So in legal terms, almost nothing happened. Financially, many bills had to be paid.
Thank you, I'm glad I'm okay too. This could have been much, much worse. Did I mention the seat belt thing? Yeah, seat belts, wear them. For serious. I have to say, nothing inflates one's teenage sense of invincibility like walking away form a three car disaster with only a friction burn.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1404844373 | 1404874524 | t3_2a5ytf | t5_2to41 | 81 | uggamuffa: TIFU By 'Mirin a Customer
Backstory: I work as a server
So I'm working and a large group of people walk in together. They seem to be mostly couples. Everyone is wearing t-shirts.
One man orders a ton of food. Two large omelettes, extra bacon, five waffles. He tells me, "I know its a lot of food, I'm hungry."
This dude is huge. He obviously lifts. I smile and say, "Hey, looks like you lift heavy things, you probably deserve it."
His wife glares when I say this. Come on, I'm not hitting on him.
As the group leaves, I notice what the t-shirts say. Partner Gymnastics.
Fuck.
OceanLife4Me: I don't think you fucked up... sounds funny as hell actually.
uggamuffa: Yeah well I was trying to get money and implying that someone needs a huge meal to recover from hoisting their wife in the air wasn't the best way to achieve that goal.
Jamason17: How was the tip?
a_good: It was just.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1404840042 | 1404971886 | t3_2a5qqz | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking to my girlfriend while my sister was home.
So this just happened a few minutes ago and I'm freaking out. So I thought my family had gone to work and I was home alone, per usual of everyday. So I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend, but I had just gotten into a huge fight with my mom last night to let her come visit and stay at the house (I'm 19, going to Uni, and she doesn't really like my girlfriend). So I had just got my mom to let her stay at the house last night. Wellllllllll, I called my girlfriend this morning to let her know, and I was walking around the house, just talking to her and stuff. And I started talking about how I was pretty horny and asked if she could send me some pictures later because I had sent her "a bunch of dick pics" and all that jazz and I asked for phone sex. First off, my sister doesn't know that I'm not a virgin, and that I've had sex plenty of times with my girlfriend. I also come from a pretty strict, conservative, catholic household. So I'm talking about all this stuff, then we finish talking, my girlfriend hangs up, and I'm just sitting in my room, and then I hear footsteps into the bathroom. And I died. So I ran into my room and I shut the door and I'm planning on not leaving. I think I'll just die instead. That seems like the better option.
OceanLife4Me: Don't stress... your sister puts out too...
Jojorx: w0w
| 3 | 5 | |
1404844219 | 1404847575 | t3_2a5yjj | t5_2to41 | 3 | CianD: TIFU by doing an A-Class job on alienating the girl I like.
I don't know what it is but I'm normally quite normal, if not a bit nerdy/ fan boyish.
For reasons unknown to myself however, every time that I'm talking to/ messaging this girl, who's got the same interests as me and is really pretty and is pretty much perfect, I come out with the most **rude and appauling** things to her. I never say or even think these things and yet they pop out.
I'm really worried that I'm going to mess this up before it even starts. At the moment I seem to be hammering nails into the coffin.
kiba9: IMOP try saying it in your head first, if you think it sounds right then repeat it and get some time alone with her it might be hard but the worst thing she can say is no. Remember if all fail just tell her how you feel about her.
CianD: Thanks for the advice
| 3 | 1 | |
1404845279 | 1405006702 | t3_2a60ic | t5_2to41 | 504 | Hasbee: TIFU The Lightsaber NSFW
To start this off my gf is HUGE starwars fan. She owns costumes props, masks, movies, books you name it. It started off as regular lazy evening at her parents house where she lives. It was a sort of goodbye evening since she was leaving town for a while and wouldnt be seeing eachther for while. We did a little swimming had a couple drinks saw a couple things till later on we retreated into her room for a movie before we went to sleep. Things got a little hot and we got to start some heavy petting after cuddling a while. We were going hard all sweaty and flush untill I saw it. My gf is pretty kinky and sometimes we get into a little bit of this and that hence this perverted idea. I went for it (never actually having incorporated her love for starwars into our sex life i thought hey fuck it, its her last night in town) so i dismount and grabbed it off the self. I fumbled a bit cuase the room was dark and the tv was off. *psssshhhhttt* I swung to extend the saber in all its green glowing glory in the dark room. we both had a little laugh and plunged that thing into her ass. it was pretty hilarious as it made all kinds of fighting sword noises as i fucked her and used it on her at the same time. blah blah the sex was great. now the fucked up part.
She left the next day at around noon and before hand had her family other siblings with their kids etc cousins uncles aunts over for brunch.
the food was great we said our goodbyes and left together. The next day I log onto fb and and noitce her mom has uploaded a little photo album documenting the event. but alot of these pictures are from dinner when we weren't there and thats when I saw it. Her sister's 1 year old son sitting on the living room floor sucking on the tip of the lightsaber while some people posed for the photo. Im mean. there is no way I could have prevented this. How was i to know she wouldnt bring her own toys for her kid? shouldnt he have a ball or a rattle. anyway its gonna be one of those things I can never speak of. that or I tell the little sucker when he turns 18 and I hand him a beer. the photo isnt gonna go anyway so I also have the proof.
f_unit: This is just immoral, what is wrong with you? You can't give alcohol to an 18-year-old.
Oh and the lightsaber thing is pretty funny. At least you know the inside of your gf's ass tastes good.
Tim337: Countries with drinking age of 18?
f_unit: Well, yeah. Sorry, as an American I tend to forget there are other countries.
ww2colorizations: and BTW, yes you can give alcohol to an 18 yr old....w/ parental consent
f_unit: Yes well, in that case I will remain in this indignant snit until OP edits his post to specify parental consent, so harrumph.
Gazorpozorpfield: In the UK, you can drink alcohol on private property with parent/guardian consent from the age of 5.
f_unit: Wait, there's some threshold between ages 4 and 5 where suddenly it's okay to drink alcohol? I'm assuming it involves responsible drinking practices being taught in kindergarten.
Gazorpozorpfield: Hah. It's a strange law but exists. A 5 year old won't drink huge amount of alcohol though as they don't have the same motives as someone who's 18. My dad actually accidentally got 6 year old me drunk before.
Cranky_Mcbitch_pants: Now that sounds like a fun story.
Gazorpozorpfield: Not that fun. I was at a party when I was 6 and I was thirsty. My slightly tipsy dad mistook some kind of alcopop for juice, gave it to me and you have a drunk baby me.
Cranky_Mcbitch_pants: You're right it's not as fun as I thought it would be.
| 12 | 42 | |
1404840777 | 1404886887 | t3_2a5s3o | t5_2to41 | 6 | tobobo36: TIFU by looking after my grandparents dog and house while they're away
So tonight is my first night looking after my grandparents house and dog while they are away traveling for 6 weeks. it started off pretty well, had dinner, watched television, browsed reddit and went to bed. This is when things get less okay because dog has always been a bit of a baby and won't sleep alone or he'll howle and whinge. I'm fine with this, dog curls up on floor beside bed and doses off but dog farts a heck of a lot, and I'm talking every 15-20 minutes he lets one out and it's always one of those wofters. the ones that burn the back of your throat and bring you to the verge of tears. As if this wasn't enough but he snores too. I have no idea how my grandparents do it but I know they're only half deaf and I'm pretty sure your sense of smell doesn't deteriorate over time. I've gotten myself into 6 weeks of very smelly sleepless nights.
followthepost-its: Wow. I wouldn't normally suggest this but maybe consider changing the dogs diet? Maybe start with the treats and see if that helps. The dog probably doesn't feel that great.
In the meantime, maybe try an air freshener or something to minimize the smell? Or you could try Vicks vapour rub under your nose to mask the smell
tobobo36: thanks. I'm not to sure about his diet, I mean grandfather has like some complicated way of feeding him with like 4 different types of dog food and he will pretty well help himself to whatever he can. Walked into the kitchen this afternoon to the fridge door right open and a bottle of soy sauce leeking on the floor. I'll be sure to try changing his diet to a less smelly one.
followthepost-its: My Grandpa used to have bran flakes for breakfast but he'd feed the dog donuts and wonder why she had bowel problems. Yeah, it was a real mystery.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1404847415 | 1404860060 | t3_2a64gg | t5_2to41 | 14 | nuraHx: TIFU by not being able to distinguish my dreams from reality.
Do you ever sometimes mistake something that happened in a dream to be true in reality as well?
So I was having this really awesome dream last night. I was in my room, along with a few of my cousins and friends. We were all having a nice time, talking, relaxing, playing video games. Nothing unusual, until some dude busts into the room with like 50 different types of beer, liquor, wine, etc.
Now let's take a small detour back to reality for a second. I turn 18 next week. Which means if I've learned anything from my math classes is that I'm still 3 years too young to be able to start drinking. Keep that in mind.
Back to the dream.
So as this dude barged in with all this alcohol I just kept telling people - "Oh man, I can't drink any of this, my mom is downstairs. What if she finds out I've been drinking?" Blah blah perfect angel, you get the idea right. So out of ducking nowhere my mom just appears in the room and says, "I don't mind if you drink, you can drink if you want to." so guess what happens next? Yeah I start drinking like crazy until my asshole brother wakes me up from my amazing dream.
I thought nothing of it really at first but later in the day for some stupid reason I felt like I wanted to drink some beer. I had never even tasted beer, hell I didn't even know what it smells like. But that dream made me crave some beer. And remember what my mom said in the dream? Yeah, well I guess subconsciously I mistook that as for something she said in reality and I thought she actually didn't mind if I drank.
So I go up to my mom - "Hey mom, can I head out and grab a few beers?" Jesus Christ what the fuck was I thinking. Now my mom thinks I'm an underage alcoholic (Still have never touched an alcoholic beverages ever) and she insists on counseling and I'm guessing one of those AA meetings you see in movies. I'm also on strict surveillance, which means I can't go out anywhere unless my mom is there too. My dad's gonna be hearing about this later today too and oh boy I can't wait.
Tl;DR I had a dream, thought for a brief moment that it actually happened, Mom thinks I'm an alcoholic.
csudude75: Just be honest and tell them about your dream. Its no big deal we were all your age once. Including your parents....
nuraHx: As if I haven't tried explaining it to them... My parents are pretty strict people. And they have never even drank themselves either. And they're extremely careful about what I'm exposed to so that it doesn't "damage my fragile mind"
I_Fuck_OPs_Mom_AMA: But... You have reddit
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1404848197 | 1404849447 | t3_2a65wn | t5_2to41 | 6 | Mursin: TIFU by not doing laundry
That's right. So, folks, many of you are probably familiar with the concept of going commando. Well, the laundry struggle has been real for a few weeks now. Because of a lack of laundry facilities in my apartment complex and scheduling problems with friend, I haven't done a single load of laundry in almost a month. Clothes I haven't worn in a while keep popping up.
Needless to say, I'm out of undies, so I've been freeballing for a while.
Today, when I went to the restroom during work, the button on my pants popped. The situation was salvageable. Until I tried zipping down my pants to make wee.
The zipper broke. Luckily, it was time for me to leave I was forced to walk to my apartment 6 or 7 blocks away from my work site. I walk out of the bathroom dismayed, hoping that none of the children at the cheerleading camp I worked at would pass by. They didn't, I made it out with minimal exposure.
I started my venture back to my apartment, looking like an idiot because my hands were in my pockets and my shirt was pulled down as far as it would go. On the way, three people passed me on foot, and I was praying for dear life they didn't say anything about a zipper being down. They didnt.
I got home and changed successfully, but what a nerve wrecking venture it was.
MyNameIsSkittles: Dude, wash your underwear in the sink and hang them to dry. You can do laundry without a washer or a dryer.
Mursin: My roommate does that. Chalk it up to laziness or a lack of humility, but I just can't see myself doing that.
xxsns: It's like you're begging for shit to happen
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1404848799 | 1404852186 | t3_2a670l | t5_2to41 | 10 | Super_Sonic_Soda: TIFU By burning my nose while trying to scrub my face.
So I came back from a festival feeling pretty dirty and noticed I had a few blackheads on my nose and I decided to look up some remedies online for blackhead removal. I found a toothbrush trick on this wiki how website and thought it would give it a go. I went into the shower and applied facial scrub and began scrubbing with a toothbrush to my nose. I must have got a bit carried away because after some scrubbing my nose began to really hurt. I checked in the mirror and I had given myself a friction burn on my nose. So now I have a huge dirty scab on the side of my nose and I feel like an idiot.
TL:DR I gave myself a big friction burn when scrubbing my nose
xxsns: Why didn't you just put warm water on your nose for a while to open the pores and squeeze the suckers out of their newfound habitat?
Super_Sonic_Soda: I have no idea, I feel like an idoit
xxsns: Hahaha I bet
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1404851161 | 1404852401 | t3_2a6b7i | t5_2to41 | 11 | Striker12Gecko: TIFU by accidentally letting my mom give me the wrong medicine.
I just had surgery to arrange a layer of skin ( it's a layer of something ) on my eye. It was blocking about 50% of the vision in my right eye. My mom paid for the surgery and I'm living with her temporarily so she can help me post-surgery. She has to give me my eye drops because I'm deathly scared of doing it to myself. ( I'm 27 )
Long story short, my mom gave my barely recovering eyes... Ear drops... Apparently the eye drop bottle and ear drop bottle are almost identical, and my mom had mistaken them for each other... It was the worst burning feeling I've ever experienced. It lasted almost 48 hours.
Summary: My mom inserted ear drops into my eye two days after surgery. It gave me a burning sensation worse than Satan's ass hole. FML
bedroom_strobes: I'm glad it didn't mess your eye up, OP!
Striker12Gecko: Thank you random citizen!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1404846656 | 1404956128 | t3_2a630d | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my dog a beef bone and then getting on a plane.
Welcome to the worst two hours of my life.
I've flown with my dog half a dozen times, and I have never had a problem. He is usually asleep the entire flight and people don't even know he's there. Also, I've given my dog beef bones before, and also, no problems! This time though.... let me tell you about this time.
As soon as we take off, my dog starts freaking out. He's a rescue and is known to have some anxiety issues so I just do my best to relax him. I cuddle him and kiss him and so on. Unfortunately, as the flight progresses, his anxiety just gets worse and worse. Eventually he's crying, and whining, and panting. I'm trying my best to calm him but to no avail. After about an an hour, he throws up on me. He threw up mostly into my boyfriends jacket, so it wasn't too hard to clean up. I asked the stewardess for a few paper towels, and when I got most of it wiped off, I took my dog to the bathroom, and washed off as much as I could. Only half an hour left of the flight, it can't get worse than this, right? Wrong.
At first, my dog becomes more relaxed after throwing up, but soon, he starts freaking out even worse. The plane is loud enough that people can't hear it, but at this point I'm just counting down the seconds until the plane lands.
We're about 20 minutes from landing when my dog has diarrhea on me. I grab a paper towel and wipe it off as fast as I can and immediately get up to get to the bathroom. I thought I got all of it, but when I get to the bathroom, I realize his tail has diarrhea all over it. There are two babies in the back of the plane, and the dad is like that's not my baby! Thanks guy, thanks a lot. Of course there's a line to get to the bathroom, but thankfully they let me go ahead of them.
I stupidly put my dog on the top of the toilet (the lid is down), so I can wash the poop off my shirt and pants. However, he starts moving around and ends up wiping diarrhea on the wall behind the toilet. A lot of it. And then he starts trying to poop on top of the toilet. I grab him, open the toilet, and hold him over it, but of course, he's having none of it. What else could I do?!?!
I put him down on the floor, and climb on top of the toilet. My dog then proceeds to have diarrhea all over the floor, and he's circling, and pooping, and in the process wipes poop EVERYWHERE. It's all over the walls, all over the toilet, it's just effing everywhere. And my dog keeps circling and circling, and getting it all over his paws, and himself.
Why is this happening to me?
I just pet him, and tell him it's okay, and wait for him to finish. At this point, the plane starts to descend...... great. Once he's done, he starts wagging his tail and is all happy. Great.
So here I am, sitting on top of the toilet, crying, and trying to wipe up all of this diarrhea with paper towels, as the plane is about to land.
Do you know how hard it is to wash a dog's feet, tail, and backside in a TINY airplane bathroom? It's torture.
I actually managed to clean everything up, and although the smell in that bathroom was horrendous, at least there was no visible shit.
The only bright spot to this nightmare was my amazing amazing boyfriend. He brought me a change of clothes (though he brought me his, and he's significantly bigger than me, so I looked a bit silly in his sweats, but hey better than being throw up and poop covered right?). And at this point, I thought I had managed to contain the worst of the disaster to the poop-nado in the bathroom, but ohhh noooo! I found a few hours later, when my boyfriend and I were talking about it, apparently my dog had managed not to poop just on me, but all over my seat too, and his poop dripped down the back of my chair, and so the people behind us had to move. And this whole time, as my amazing, wonderful boyfriend is wiping up my dogs liquid shit from the seat, he's carrying on this conversation with the poor guy next to us.
The stewardesses, the poor poor stewardesses, were very understanding when I let them know what happened. Apparently, with how calm my boyfriend and I were about the thing, they hadn't even known what had happened until my boyfriend tried to bring me a change of clothes. Of course, they didn't see the shit storm that was happening a bare 5 feet away from them, and the noise from the airplane was loud enough to cover my crying!
Of course, as soon as everything was cleaned and I got back to my seat, my dog promptly fell asleep and barely even stirred for the rest of the flight, even when we landed.
I'm so traumatized. I'm never giving my dog bones again!
**TL;DR - My dog had diarrhea all over me on a flight, and if that wasn't bad enough, he managed to spray liquid shit all over half the airplane bathroom. Just picture someone with their knees on top of an airplane toilet, crying, and wiping up puddles of shit from the walls, floor, and toilet, and then trying to wash a dog's paws, tail, and backside in the tiny airplane sink.**
To anyone on that flight, and especially the guy next to us.. I'm so sorry, so very very sorry.
Mr_Rat22: How are you allowed to bring a dog with you on a plane in the passenger cabin?
Bootswithderfuhrer: You're allowed to bring small cats and dogs on planes. People do it all the time
[deleted]: USA I assume? Not in Australia unless it's a guide dog.
Bootswithderfuhrer: Correct. I can't speak for countries other than the US
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1404852240 | 1405226621 | t3_2a6daz | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling for sex buddy and letting it show. [NSFW]
First I should say that I am a 41 year old man and I am exiting a twenty year relationship with a mentally abusive and mentally ill woman. She isolated me from the friends I had and I have no family, so all this time it has only been she and I.
I joined OKCupid looking only to make new friends. No sex. No dating. I just wanted to ease into friendships and get to a healthy place. I met this extremely sweet woman and we started to exchange messages. I mentioned that I had sex the night before (it was not a random mention but the details are unimportant) and she asked for details. For some reason my mind clicked into some strange mode and I gave her a very detailed, graphic, and apparently erotic account of my night. She was very turned on. The next night I had my second and final encounter with the girl I had sex with and yet again I recounted my experience to my OKCupid "friend". We quickly escalated into cybersex. Extremely good, comfortable, fluid and insanely hot cybersex. She orgasmed with my words countless times. Once she orgasmed 13 times before she stopped counting.
She lived two minutes from my house. She could not contain herself. She asked me to come over and take her. She said how she would leave the front door open and would just be waiting, naked in bed, for me to arrive.
Needless to say, I was able to contain myself. I'm still trying to get out of this insane relationship and here I am...but the draw, the connection was too strong. I agreed to meet her in public so that we could share a kiss and nothing more. We met and sparks flew. Within two seconds (not an exaggeration) we were at each other, behind a building, at an open parking lot. She orgasmed in my arms. I grabbed her ass, under her panties. She orgasmed again. I kissed her neck. I grabbed her crotch through her jeans and she orgasmed a few more times, moaning, making noises that reached the animal side of me. She pulses her hips to me all the time, like her body can't help but want to fuck me. It was too much.
More cybersex and this time she orgasmed so much her legs could not move. She sent me pictures of her pruny fingers and of the mess her juices had made. Had it stopped there, it would have been the best sexual experience of my life. It didn't stop, but I had to do my first TIFU before it would continue.
I lost my mind. I am not in a good place and this raw, primal and psychological connection was ripping me apart. She was going out on a date with another guy from OKCupid for whom she has a more conventional feelings for. I was jealous. Needy. Very drunk. Figure it out. TIFU #1 by being creepy. She sent me a freaked out e-mail (well justified) and I decided to delete all the pictures she sent and my OKCupid profile before I continued down this sick path. But then I decided that was rude, opened a new account and sent her a sincere and apologetic goodbye message. She appreciated it and confessed that she was in fact in trouble. I'll skip the details but I decided to give her an old junker truck (seriously, its only good for parts) and an old jet ski that I was about to donate that week. I was going to donate them anyway so I figured she should have them instead. This is the only good decision I've made in this whole thing. She truly is a sweet woman who is also going through some shit.
We met so that I could show her the truck and sparks flew again. More making out in my car. Then as I showed her the truck in an open field RV storage place, more making out followed by me fingering her into multiple orgasms. She has the prettiest vagina I have seen in my life, and that includes the hundreds of vaginas I have seem on the Gone Wild subreddits. She smelled great. Her juices tasted great as I liked my fingers. Freaking heaven.
We drove down to the marina so I could show her the jet ski. On the way there I fingered her more and then she took over, gyrating her wet clit on my finger. God help me I was lost. Mental actually. Once I showed her the jet ski I decided to show her my boat. Once on board we went down below and started making out. I sucked on her breasts. I fingered her to completion many times. I flipped her around and at her ass while I fingered her. I took her ass' virginity with my fingers. The noises she made. I've never heard or felt anything like it. She's perfect. She got completely naked for me and we continued, but I didn't have any condoms, so we didn't fuck. Then she asked me if she could give me a blowjob. She knelt before me as I sat and gave me the hottest, by far best, warmest, most caring, tender and erotic sexual experience of my life. She sucked me dry but it was so loving I am having a hard time typing this. Apparently I was very starved for love and care. Still am I guess.
This is not completely one sided. She has also said many times that we have had the best sex in her life and we haven't even done penis/vagina intercourse yet. She said that our connection and relationship as all consuming. "Its too much." She "can not say no" to me. It is the greatest thing I have known in my life.
I did not play it cool. I have kept my heart on my sleeve (TIFU). I vowed to take care of her. Basically, I am at her mercy. I jumped into the fire head first and for the first time in my life, there was no hesitation. There was no neediness. It was not out of desperation, it was about "right". Everything in me tells me this is right. This is correct. But she is afraid. She wants to go out with the safe guy. I told her I am not ok sharing her until she can "figure things out". I should not be forced to be the consolation prize. I forced the issue. I had to or I would just be walking into something very unhealthy. She chose the guy who she's getting to know in OKCupid. I can give her a life she could only dream of (yes I'm rich), white hot sex, love, care (I've cared for a mentally ill woman for two decades, I know how to care for someone), stability, travel, patience, understanding...and yet not enough.
TL;DR: I showed my heart and it turns out I was just a sex toy.
**EDIT:** She's sending me IMs of pictures of her pets being fostered while she finds new living arrangements. I can't wrap my head around how someone can want to be with me so badly that they choose not to be. It makes no sense to me. Even though I'm wrecked, all I care about is that she's ok and she can survive this rough patch in her life. :-/
**EDIT 2:** She just left me hanging. Not even a proper goodbye. The end.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: I hope you don't take offense by this, but it sounds like you have the sexual/emotional maturity of a teenager. This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Lucky for you, you're wealthy, so you have a lot to offer a woman, and if you just go out and start being social, you'll learn quickly that women such as this aren't all that rare.
Good luck, Throw Downey, Jr.
RagingSexDemon: >I can give her a life she could only dream of (yes I'm rich), white hot sex, love, care (I've cared for a mentally ill woman for two decades, I know how to care for someone), stability, travel, patience, understanding...and yet not enough.
This sounds pretty arrogant. That because you are a 41 year old white man with money, women should throw themselves at you.
| 3 | 4 | |
1404852578 | 1404857370 | t3_2a6dwr | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my dick to my entire biology class (NSFW)
Okay so this didn't happen to me today, but actually happened back in May.
So a little backstory: I'm 18m, and I don't exactly have the largest stick in the bundle, if you know what I mean. In fact, it's really tiny. But hey, it still gets the job done right? I have a wonderful girlfriend, let's call her C. She's a solid 10, got a nice huge ass and a solid rack, D cups. She understands me so well, and so whenever school ever got frustrating, we'd ask one another to come over to each other's dorm and we would fuck the frustration out of each other.
Anyways, so it was almost the end of the school year and we were required to present a biology video summarizing what we had learned about over the entire year. Naturally there was a lot of material, which of course, added a titanic shit ton of stress on my back. And so, naturally, I called over C to get my groove on. This time though, we decided to get real kinky and make a sex tape. I always wanted to re-watch our love-making in case I got too horny and needed to tame my rock hard wiener. So I told her that I wanted to film us, but she was reluctant at first. Then I slapped her face with my titanium schlong. She was convinced.
We went at it for minutes. It was getting real steamy. The idea of making a sex tape was so fucking kinky I got real crazy and fucked her all sorts of ways: back door, cow girl, missionary, and the bj, oh god the bjs get me everytime. Finally when it was time to unload my man juice, I told her to move in close to the camera so I could get a good shot of it on camera. And so I came...and boy did I. It was like unleashing a tsunami out of my 2 inch hose, and it just wouldn't stop. For a solid minute I couldn't stop hyperventilating as I felt all my jizz rocket out of my dick hole. Finally it was over.
Knowing I had waste a solid 5 minutes C left and I got back to work. After a grueling all-nighter I finally finished my biology video. Tired and exhausted I sluggishly put the "biology" video on my thumb drive to give to my teacher tomorrow.
The next morning, still tired from last night's work (and fucking) I gave my professor the thumb drive and went to class. Our professor randomly chooses a video to present, and unfortunately for me, I was one of the last ones. Being as exhausted as I was, I fell dead asleep. Little did I know as I was sleeping like a angelic baby, the video of my hard ass fucking was being presented in all its glory to my entire biology class. By the time I woke up, I wondered why everyone was staring at me. That's when my friend told me about what the fuck just happened.
And that's how my dick got the name "Millimeter Peter."
TL;DR: Made a sex tape, gave the wrong video to my biology professor, showed my tiny dick to my entire biology class. FML
Theonetrue: http://howlongismyschlong.com/
chances are it's not actually tiny
Itsbrown4606: ...well, TIL this website exists.
Theonetrue: Absolutley every time I post it peopel seem to be suprised so I keep posting it
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1404852640 | 1404870860 | t3_2a6e1b | t5_2to41 | 44 | TheJarcker: TIFU by putting my tongue where it doesn't belong.
I have a bad habit of putting things in my mouth and chewing when I am stressed or nervous. Pencils, pens, the rims of plastic cups, straws, you name it. Yesterday, I broke up with my girlfriend, and today she messaged me over Facebook to argue about the breakup. In the midst of our "discussion", my computer alerted me that the battery was fully charged. I unplugged the end of the charger from my computer and, without thinking, put the end in my mouth and began gnawing on it. I pressed the tip of my tongue against the metal part in the center of the charger and got shocked. Now I can't taste anything.
ShuffleCopy: Ouch.. That hertz...
Lost4Cause: Watts wrong with you?
WizardOfAhhhs: You couldn't resist, could you?
mrmcmaine: Ohm my god that was a good one.
| 5 | 8.8 | |
1404854715 | 1404862837 | t3_2a6i4f | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my ex - NSFW
Last night, actually.
I got out of a crazy relationship a few months ago. A couple of months ago I met a great guy but I didn't want to rush into anything. Things have been going really well but I told the guy I didn't want to have sex with him for a while, a few months. He was not thrilled, but he accepted it.
We had an awesome weekend but we did a lot of drinking and I got really horny. When I got home I was still drunk and still horny, and I ended up calling my ex to come over and we ended up having sex. That was bad enough because I would never do that sober. And I don't want to do anything to ruin this potentially good new relationship. I'm over my ex and I don't want to get back with him, it was strictly physical.
So this new person was asking me about what I did last night, and I fucked up by telling him that my ex came over. And he kept asking me questions and I ended up telling him the truth about what happened. And now he's very angry and insulted. As he should be. He doesn't want to talk to me for a while.
And the new guy is a recovering alcoholic, so he was mad I was drinking too, because I never drink when I'm around him.
So I fucked up on two or three different levels.
Edit: I forgot to mention. The new guy grabbed my phone and went through it (I thought he was just looking at photos from this weekend) but he said something later about getting my ex's contact info and signing him up for some gay dating websites. FML.
Edit 2: I just want to express my gratitude to each of you for taking the time to reply to this. Without you guys, Reddit would not be what it is. Even though a few of your comments hurt, it is something I needed to hear. Thanks again! I'm still around, just not on a throwaway. I really am grateful for your honest feedback! XOXOX
[deleted]: So ummm.. you fucked your ex while you were seeing a new guy who you told you didn't want to have sex for a few months? Yup great TIFU 10/10.
Throwaway62948: I feel really terrible about it.
[deleted]: It's life, we all do things we feel bad about. The important thing is to learn from these experiences, to see what went wrong and what could be done differently to bring about a better outcome.
Throwaway62948: Thank you. I know I messed up, and I'd love to go back in time and make different choices, but that's not possible. I have to move on and keep this incident in the forefront of my mind so I don't make the same bad choice again.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1404840651 | 1404866956 | t3_2a5rwy | t5_2to41 | 26 | SealTheDeaI: TIFU by desecrating my uptight German exchange partner's bed.
This needs to start with a little context: this happened quite a few years ago while I was on a high school exchange in Germany. My conservative christian mother had heavily censored my application and I was matched with a nerdy uptight ultra try-hard (yes, even by German standards). He played the flute, loved classical music, water and hated all drugs including caffeine and alcohol. He studied a lot and had skipped a couple grades. His parents were also uptight and rule abiding but nice. Now I was sixteen and according to the rules of the exchange (which of course were taken very seriously by my host family only), I wasn't allowed to drink alcohol. However, I was legal drinking age and Fritz was always at home studying so fuuuuck that.
The cause: So one weeknight I was bored so I met a friend in town and we bought a table keg for the amazing price of 5 euro. Needless to say we finished the bastard and acted like idiotic drunk 16 year olds for a few hours before getting a doner and running into some girls from school and getting cocktails and cigarettes with them. I get home probably around ten or so and talk to Fritz and his family briefly (I had gotten used to talking to them shit faced by now) then head to bed. Now I had given Fritz my room in the basement while he was staying with me to give him more privacy so he did the same for me. It was a bunk bed and he slept on a pullout in the living room (small apartment).
The shameful desecration: It was a school day so I had to be up early but since it was so bright in his room I woke up before my alarm as usual. I just lied there with my eyes closed trying to sleep more when I scratched my face. Hmmmm, why the fuck does my hand smell like shit? But, I was too tired to investigate so I kept lying there. Not long after my alarm goes off and I sit up.
Sweet mother of christ.
I was laying in a shit bath. It was everywhere. Trainspotting style.
I had pooped during the night whilst sleeping and lied in it for the rest of the night while it caked onto the bed, my shorts and my entire lower body.
What the fuck do I do? I've only known this family for a month. The bed and myself are covered in fecal matter.
Well I had to clean my self off before anything happen so I head to the shower. This would be good I though because I always showered before Fritz. However, today of all days, of course, Fritz rushes out of his room and says, "I want to shower first today."
He didn't notice the poop on my legs and went into the bathroom. So I go back to his room and try to sit on the corner of the couch without touching anything. I covered up the poop with the bed sheet because I still wasn't sure how I was going to go about this.
Soon enough Fritz comes in to get clothes from the drawers in his room. I'm just looking at the floor in shame. As soon as he enters he sniffs and says, "why does it smell like cow in here?"
How do you tell someone that you just shit in their bed?
I didn't say anything, just pulled back the sheets.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BED!!!"
"I don't know what happened man. I need to shower, I'm covered in shit."
He pulled the duvet off the bed to try and salvage it and I went for the shower while he told his parents.
I finished cleaning myself and then sat down for the most awkward breakfast of my life. Muesli has never tasted so bad. I leave the table to puke and then volunteer to bring the bedsheets and my shorts out to the dumpster (there was no hope for them).
I'm still pretending to be legitimately sick so I don't get in trouble and it's more excusable so I lay on the couch and say I can't go to school. Meanwhile Frtiz's dad brings the mattress onto the balcony and starts scrubbing the living christ out of the fucking thing.
Then the phone rings, my friend is sick and confessed to drinking so his family called mine. His mom comes over to me, "tonight we talk about alcohol."
Fuck my life. Fuck everything. I pooped the bed. This is the most awkward family without this happening. They aren't overly social, they aren't down for partying, they aren't down for drinking, they aren't down for pooping in the bed.
Shame is all I know now. I puked of the balcony a few times and then got out of the apartment. I just couldn't be by his dad and that poopy mattress anymore. I went to school and told everyone I was sick. I made the mistake of telling this story to some close friends a year or so later. Of course it got out and this one son of a bitch at every grade 12 party would always go "Hey! This kid pooped in someone's bed!"
"Oh it was nice meeting you, bye."
This is my legacy.
tl;dr: Had an awkward German exchanged partner. I got drunk when I was sixteen and desecrated his bed with shit while I slept like a baby.
ww2colorizations: dude this is a greeeeaaatt fucking story!! Thank you for having no shame and telling us it. Fritz and family were horrified of your American ass haha! I probably would have done the same shit as you tho, sux u had an uptight partner. Was Germany cool? Its my dream to go
SealTheDeaI: Hopefully a few more people take the time to read it. Thought about putting the poop part in the title but I think it makes it a lot more funny to have that revealed later on.
ww2colorizations: haha I know, a lot of people are put off by long text....but they are usually the storeis that are worth reading! You explained everything perfectly and made it very amusing. I just cant get over how you must have felt having to go down to breakfast after Fritz went to tell his Mom and Dad you had shit in his bed! haha Awesome man. How was that talk with his Mom later? and yeah, I got invited to "Gottingen" ...really hope I get to go!
SealTheDeaI: Haha thanks man. I also forgot to mention that Fritz had orange hair with a thin mullet that went half way down his back. Weirdest thing I've ever seen and really embarrassing when I first took him to my school. Everyone was laughing a taking pictures behind his back.
The talk was awkward as hell. I was dreading it all day. It was just around the table where we had eaten that morning. Thankfully the focus was more on the alcohol than pooping in the bed. They basically explained how I could get in so much trouble and get sent back home, which wasn't true, and also that my parents would be mad if they found out. My parents would have been mortified and ashamed of me if they found out about the pooping incident but they new I was drinking a bit and didn't care since it was part of the cultural experience. She also told me about how she was cleaning the room and found bottles so she new that I had been buying booze and that I had been lying. But what was I supposed to do? I had to make other friends and they would all meet in the park and drink on the weekends, was I supposed to go and be the only sober one when I could legally buy it? Fuck that bullshit.
I hope you do get to Gottingen. I've spent a lot of time in Germany and Austria as well as other European countries. Let me know if you have any other questions about it!
ww2colorizations: He had a red German mullet!! Sickkkk! That should have been in the story for sure!! Gotta love it. Yeah man, especially since we couldn't drink here in the states at that age, it was a definite that shit was gonna hit the fan, literally. So Fritz pretty much knew you were cooler than him, socially. Still the best story Ive read on here in a long long time. Thanks again man, Good talkin with ya.
And I def will shoot a message when I get to go. My German is very half-ass, I read it better than speak it, since there are not many people to practice talking with.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1404856276 | 1405225080 | t3_2a6kvd | t5_2to41 | 498 | saviorlito: TIFU by calling my gf from my work phone.
I work at a call center where I can choose to be in specific queues. Today, I was doing live web chats and e-mails. I've been working for this company for almost 5 years, and am well respected by most of my peers here. People usually ask me for answers to tough questions when they can't find them from available resources. I was hoping to one day become a manager or trainer.
It is not too uncommon for people on webchats/emails to call out and place food orders or speak to family members on the phone, as long as it is not abused. I in no way had any intention of abusing the ability to call my g/f, as I was just reminding her of our reservation times as it was our anniversary that evening. The conversation was only meant to last a few seconds. That's when the conversation took a wrong turn, or a right turn, depending on how you're looking at it.
I was asked what our plans for that night were. We had talked about having a 3-some with one of her friends. I told her I couldn't talk about it, because sometimes calls were recorded. She insisted and said no one would be listening to outbound calls. I told her I wanted to fuck her from behind while she had anal beads inside of her, and her friend was licking my balls from underneath. I laughed, but she thought I was serious. So I went with it.
About 10 minutes later, I was almost ready to explode at my desk. I told her I had to get back to work as I had been ignoring people in live chat and they were disconnecting. I walked towards the bathroom to go relieve myself. As I walked by the training room, I noticed the lead trainer staring at me, so I walked over and opened the door. To my surprise, there was a new training class in there that I had no idea about. I asked if she needed help, and she said that I had already helped them enough.
I had no idea what she meant by that, so I smiled and said glad to assist. She wanted to know if I was curious what I helped with? I said sure, why not. She then said "I just wanted to thank you for allowing my class to know why they should never use their business phones for personal use, because you never know who's listening"......
...
..
....
.....
My face was white, and I suddenly felt light ahead. I was told later by someone from that trainer wanted to listen in to the call I was on to give an example on how customer service should sound, since she thought my outbound call was a business related call. He said that they heard everything up till me talking about her friend licking my balls, and then the trainer turned off the phone.
I have not yet heard from my trainer, and it has been a few days now. I have noticed that she will not look me in the eye. Needless to say, I have not and will not be making any outbound calls anytime soon.
EDIT: I did, indeed, get the threesome. No anal beads though.
EDIT: Late update, I did not get fired for this, however...[this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2aifbg/tifu_by_posting_a_tifu_from_work/)...
Xerun5454: So what I'm hearing is that you got a threesome?
pm_me_your_sideb00b: So... he really didnt fuck up!
Xerun5454: To me it just sounds like a win, he didn't lost his job and he gets a threesome. If that were me I would have lost the job and the threesome.
derpydoodaa: >he didn't lost his job
[He lost his job :(](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2aifbg/tifu_by_posting_a_tifu_from_work/)
johnbell: but... threesome.
you have to pay to play sometimes.
| 6 | 83 | |
1404851977 | 1404871244 | t3_2a6csu | t5_2to41 | 7 | LRats: TIFU By not following my instincts
Of course like most stories this happened about a year and a half ago. I was at my school's employee Christmas party. The president buys a bunch of gifts, wraps them up, and then pulls peoples' names out of a hat. If your name gets called you can go up and pick one gift. The big prize were two certificates for plane tickets to go somewhere of your choosing.
The whole time I was eying this one gift, telling myself that was the one I would pick if it was still there. My name finally got called, and the gift I wanted was still there. At the last minute I decided to pick something else. I got some stupid angel statue (it was a Catholic school) and a gift certificate to the restaurant we were at.
Now here is when I realized I fucked up. A few people later one of my co-workers takes the gift I was originally going to pick. What is in it? You guessed it, the plane tickets! If I followed my instincts I would have gotten free airfare to a destination of my choosing. It would have been doubly funny because I recently had gotten back from a cousin's wedding in Cancun which my boss would eventually fire me over.
Writer4God: Why would your boss fire you over going to your cousin's wedding?
LRats: It was 5 days of work I would miss, and he would only let me take 3. I used 3 personal days and then used 2 sick days. He found out I took the days anyway and then didn't renew my contract when the year was up. He was thinking about firing me on the spot, but didn't want to look for a new teacher mid year.
Writer4God: Oh...
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1404860895 | 1404864735 | t3_2a6tbw | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: tifu by laughing at brazilian fans...
Everytime I see this gif I can't help but laughing. I'm so sorry world but I'm a fucking [asshole.](http://gfycat.com/BriskDecisiveChital)
I know I shouldn't laugh but I can't stop.
[deleted]: That kids way to young to be emotionally invested in a damn thing. He's crying like he just found out mom's never coming home.
69username69: And I find it fucking hilarious...
DeadJak: Me too!!!
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1404857921 | 1404919604 | t3_2a6o09 | t5_2to41 | 24 | bopokippo: TIFU by playing League of Legends 2 days after being released from the hospital
(....or not today exactly, but it did happen fairly recently)
So I had just gotten out of the hospital after having chest surgery (i had a 10 inch steel bar inserted horizontally across my chest due to problems with how my bones were growing) and my doctor recommended I get bed rest until I feel comfortable moving about on my own. After the first day of staying in bed all day, I couldn't take it any longer, so the second night I got up and I felt fairly decent. Why not play a game of League to break the boredom?
My chest felt heavy walking downstairs to the computer room, and I knew something wasn't right, but my desire for LP gains took over and in a matter of moments I was queuing up a game of soloq. As I'm selecting my champ, I feel a soft "thump!" inside the right side of my chest and I'm liek 'wtf", and being the retard I am I continue to sit in the pregame lobby. I picked Jax jungle, and the game was loading up when I felt another "thump", but this one was sharper; more painful
So at this point I was pretty sure I should stop playing, but I got a double kill 4 minutes in and I was snowballing HARD. Winning this meant putting me in my promos so I knew I had to win this no matter what. 17 minutes in, and it looks good. Score is 23 - 4 (my team winning) and all I can do is think about that promo. Then, another "thump", but this one was terribly excruciating. I ran to my couch and lie down, the pain easing slightly. I look over the monitor and see my Jax, afk in the fountain. I'm seeing the enemy team get kills, and I couldn't let that happen. In a heroic effort, I stood up despite the pain FOR THE ELO. But then I doubled over and started coughing up blood.
I've called the ambulance by then, and in 10 minutes, I'm getting wheeled out of my house. The last fleeting look I had was my monitor, showing the words "DEFEAT". :(
- I would later find out that the bar in my chest had cut something inside me and I was internally bleeding in my lung cavity.
tl;dr - fresh out of hospital, want to play league, almost win, internal bleeding.
xshivax: Question: Did/do you have pectus excavatum? Also what age are you? (If you don't mind saying). I'm curious about getting the same surgery if so
PM_ME_YOUR_MICROWAVE: I got pectus carinatum (not that severe) so I'm interested as well about the surgery.
xshivax: I wouldn't opt for the surgery unless it's severe. Or unless you're still young. I have quite severe pectus excavatum (it affects my breathing so obviously I struggle with sports and stuff but I have always ignored it and carried on as normal.)
Although, I'm 23 now so I'm quite worried about having the surgery as I do not know how I'll recover and if I'll be fine taking the time off work to have the surgery/recover etc. I also know there is only 1 surgeon in the England that will perform the surgery.
| 4 | 6 | |
1404863175 | 1404865196 | t3_2a6x5e | t5_2to41 | 12 | Nakeddream: TIFU by washing our rug in the bathtub
The pipes in the kitchen have been leaking sewage water out of the cabinet for the past week. My mother put a rug on the floor to soak up the water because it was annoying to keep mopping the stuff up.
Today they fixed the plumbing and the leaking stopped, so we decided to clean the rug in the bathtub. The stink that came out of the rug could be described as: 10 obese men who just ate Taco Bell having diarrhea in our bathroom. The whole apartment smells like super shit, not regular shit but super shit. I spent 10 minutes in front of the window on the other side of the apartment gasping for air. The smell has not gone away and I'm in my room with paper towels in my nostrils, trying not to throw up. Please send help.
Update: We tried using Tide and other detergents to help the smell, did not work. Our neighbor junkie neighbor down the hall just exclaimed "Damn, who's making meth?" guys my apartment smells like a drug house =(
sundevils2014: It sounds like you're going to have to burn the house to get rid of the smell. It's your only option.
Nakeddream: I was shouting at my mom "Kill it! KILL IT WITH FIRE! We should just move and let the new people deal with it.
DeadJak: Move and leave nothing but the mat
| 4 | 3 | |
1404861804 | 1404865102 | t3_2a6uwq | t5_2to41 | 7 | I_love_pearljam: TIFU by signing my dad up for match.com as a gay man.
It was actually a couple years ago but its still just as impacting on his life today as it was then. A couple years back my dad left his phone laying out and I got the idea to pull a prank on him. I began playing through a couple ideas in my head and it struck me that i should sign him up for match.com (a payed dating site) as a homosexual man. Commence me waking up to screams of horror and anger as he awakes to find a plethora of pictures of grown mens penises being sent to his phone. He decided that since I had already payed for the service that he would continue to use it as a heterosexual male as he had just got through with a divorce from my mom. He proceeded to meet a girl with whom he would date and have a child whom he has only met once once and has continued to be threatened and stalked by to this day.
Nakeddream: Dude you fucked up.
DeadJak: In a amazingly terrible way that makes it funny
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1404862912 | 1404930150 | t3_2a6wr3 | t5_2to41 | 92 | stupidnurse: TIFU by throwing out a $4000 bottle of cancer pills.
I am an Lpn at a nursing facility for the elderly. The state surveyors are in the building this week examining us and making sure we don't beat he residents, etc. So anyways, last night our pharmacist was going through the med carts and removing drugs that were unlabeled, mislabeled, expired- whatever. Anyways she tells me that one of my pill bottles is not labeled by pharmacy (it was a sample bottle given out by the doctor- with the patients name written on it in permanent marker) and if the state saw me administer it then it would be a tag. So, me being the retard that I am- I told my supervisor I was going to throw it away and she said "good."....the next day I come in and the day nurse tells me that the bottle was worth $4000 and the facility now has to pay for a new one that is properly labeled. She told me to look in the trash for it and she wanted me to hide it from state. I said no, and all of a sudden I'm the moralfag of America here. I fucked up by trying to do things by the book and now every single nurse in this building thinks I'm an ethical retard who won't play along. (I kind am, I do things by the book.- it's safer.) And if any of you have ever worked in nursing- imagine a shit ton of know-it-all old women who will try to make your life as miserable as possible when you come into work if you get on their bad side. (With a few amazing, sensitive caring nurses sprinkled in, who usually are getting the butt of it all.) I'm a 22 y/o woman who has been a nurse for about 4 years- I'm still learning! I didn't know it was worth $4000. I was just trying to be safe, avoid a tag, and do what I'm instructed to do. Anyways, that's how I fucked up. Thanks for listening.
f_unit: I never knew nursing was so cutthroat. I hope things take a turn for the better.
nb: It's kind of surreal reading a TIFU that doesn't involve sex or poo.
stupidnurse: A lot of people think it's because nurses are "over worked and underpaid." I beg to differ. That is the poorest excuse for unethical behavior I've ever heard. I get paid 21.50 an hour- and I consider that good pay for how long I went to college and my workload: I only have 18 patients- at my old facility I used to work at I had 32 patients (talk about over worked.) but you are spot on- it's a cut throat profession. Let me give another example: one night a family member came to me and told me "the night CNA didn't take my mom to the bathroom last night and she ended up peeing herself because the CNA said 'you JUST went! I'm not taking you again' so I wrote that CNA up for "refusing to care for a patient". A continent patient shouldn't ever have to piss themselves because of someone else's laziness! Anyways, that CNA now spreads rumors about me and attempts to get all the other CNAs around me to give me a hard time, ignore me- etc. I went to confront that CNA one time, so I took her to a private room and said "Hi, I would like it if you would please refrain from workplace gossip and if you hear any please don't participate and try to discourage it." The problem is that only half of that sentence got out of my mouth before the CNA interrupts me with "I don't even know you! I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it!" While waving her hands at me. So at this point I'm BLOWN AWAY at how this CNA Just blatantly disrespected me, an LPN who is an immediate supervisor. So I got the RN supervisor and told her what happened and this is basically what I got: " you are so cute. Honey, that's not how the real world works- you just gotta ignore that stuff. Who cares that she talks about you? We all get talked about around here!! Just let it go- do your 8 hours and go home." So I'm cute (belittling my feelings. Also stigmatizing that I'm young) she called me honey, and 'that's not how the real world works'? Um, excuse me but no- that's completely unprofessional and that attitude won't ever fix it. Also, 'who cares'? I fucking care! That's why I came to her!!
All in all, nursing is a stressful profession. I have high ethics, I love my patients and I do everything I can for them- including advocating and standing up for them even if it gets people who I work with mad at me. This job has made me bitter, depressed and a lot of my faith in humanity is lost. I often think "am I the only nurse who actually cares?" I worry about my patients when I'm not there. I worry that their needs are not being met (I work Monday trough Friday 3-11pm).
f_unit: Holy shit, 32 patients, that's nuts. You are one tough medical professional. I'll try to be extra chill with the staff next time I'm at a hospital.
stupidnurse: One time a nurse told me my charting was "way too detailed and it could get me in trouble." What she actually meant was "if you get pulled into court you can't lie your way out."
WTF
MisterMeiji: One fateful Sunday night about 4 years ago, my first wife went into the hospital because she was sick. She spent about 5 hours there, then we went home. Next morning she was dead, at age 30. The official cause of death (from the coroner who happened to work as a physician at that hospital) was pneumonia, but given her circumstances that cause was 99% unlikely. As l discussed it with her mom and sister (who both were in the room with us) we realized that the doctor requested one dose of morphine. THREE separate nurses EACH gave 1 dose of morphine and NOBODY charted it. That much morphine in a patient who was under respiratory distress is lethal. Indeed, when they released her from the hospital she was "sleeping" but in all reality may have already been dead. (The diagnosis of pneumonia is bullshit because as soon as I got her home I put her on the ventilator. It is VERY unlikely that a mere 10% fluid buildup could be deadly when the patient has a machine breathing for them.)
TL;DR: inaccurate charting is how people die.
stupidnurse: My deepest and most genuine condolences. That is one of the roughest things I've ever heard of.
| 7 | 13.142857 | |
1404864105 | 1404874817 | t3_2a6yne | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by Pulling and Pregnancy Prank
I was at my grandfather's eating dinner when someone texted me, "Hey Julie, it's Sarah!" (I changed the name for their sake.) My name is not Julie, or even close. I didn't give my number to a Sarah. So, immediately I knew this was someone with the wrong number.
I've read some pretty clever pranks on the internet of people having fun and messing with wrong numbers. I'm usually a pretty boring person, but I decided to have a bit of fun.
"Hey Sarah! How are you?" I wrote back.
We started talking about our days and her cat, and I would reply with answers that mirrored hers. For example, she wrote, "Fluffy is all over me today, don't know why he's so lonely, haha."
I wrote back, "Fluffy is such a cutie! Just give him a snuggle for me."
I would take information she gave me, turn it around, and convince her it really was Julie. Another clever example- "Can't believe we graduated!" she wrote.
"Go class of 2014!" I replied. (She assumes I know what I'm talking about because I inferred the class number."
Anyway, we talk for a day and a half and she's convinced I'm Julie. So I decided to amp the ante, and I tell her I'm pregnant. She flips out, asks me who's the father, and I say, "You know who it is."
She says some random name, and I agree. Now I talk about how I'm scared to tell this random guy, blah blah blah. She tries calling me a few times, but I don't answer, and tell her I can't talk because I'm in the room with my parents and they don't know about my "pregnancy."
Another day goes by. She asks if I took a pregnancy test, I say yes. I should have just said yes and gone with that, but instead I decided to show her a picture from google.
She writes back, "I'm pretty sure that's from the internet."
Oops. I'm caught. Game over. I explain I was just pulling her leg, I'm not Julie, nor do I know her, and I'm not really pregnant.
All hell breaks loose. For some reason, she refuses to respond through text message, but instead calls me several times a day.
At 1 AM this morning she called me five times. I never answered. I found out how to block her number on my phone, and I did.
She lives in a different state (I can tell through her first three numbers) and she must have figured out I blocked her number because I suddenly started getting calls from three or four different numbers in that state around 1:30-2 AM. I blocked these numbers. I hope to God she doesn't have more phone lines.
If you're reading this, "Sarah," I'm really sorry.
TLDR: Pretends to be someone's friend through text message after a wrong number. Spill the beans and now they call constantly.
Richy8447: I have a rule when pranking over text. "If you want to use a pic always go past page 1 on google..."
Otherwise: Hilarious prank
pinkpanda23: I went to page two, but she saw right through me! :(
Richy8447: gasp! OP try again on another person
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1404865242 | 1404889914 | t3_2a70h9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Rindan: TIFU and proved to my boss I'm an idiot
I'm an engineer, and TIFU. I got roped into doing an audit of one of our suppliers, and I agreed to go as the technical expert. I can crack out code and manager tens of millions of dollars worth of equipment, but apparently I can't book a business trip.
The day before I am scheduled to leave, I try and check in online to with the airline. My attempts bounce. I finally realize my mistake. I booked my entire trip, car rental, airfare, hotel and all on the right day of the week... next month. Panicked and realizing that I have only a few hours to fix my mistake, I cancel that trip (possibly eating a flight cancellation fee) and reschedule for the next day. I can't get a decent flight, so I end up getting a 12 hour flight that comes in late. I'm a little embarrassed and e-mail my boss to let him know what happened so he can approve the expense, and let the guys I am meeting up with know that I'll be in later than they will. My pride is hurt, but worse could happen.
A day of travel later I am at the location of the supplier. I'm a little annoyed because the guys I am supposed to be meeting up with have done a terrible job coordinating. They didn't setup a time to meet and travel from the hotel to the site. I'm just the geek providing the technical artillery to argue with their nerds, and I was kind of hoping that they would lead the charge and organize as this is what they do all the time. Annoyed, I send them an e-mail asking where they are and jump in my rental to make the first meeting up the day a the supplier, figuring that I would just meet them there.
The receptionist for the supplier informs me that the two guys have not shown up yet. I'm really baffled and starting to get nervous. She asks if I want to contact the contact person in the supplier's company that I am meeting with. In the one smart move of the day, I decline and say I want to wait for my coworkers. After twiddling my thumbs for 15 minutes, I get an e-mail from one of the guys I am supposed to be meeting, asking me what the hell I am talking about, they are both at our home site (a few thousand miles away) and there is no meeting scheduled.
I freak out, drive back to my hotel, whip open my laptop, and look at the original e-mail from months back proposing the trip. I had the date wrong. I was off by a week. The meeting with the supplier is next week. I picked the alternate time instead of the agreed upon time. More or less wanting to die at this point, I call my boss and tell him that he hired a moron who apparently booked himself a 3 day vacation using a corporate card.
I rarely feel much in the way of regret or shame. Shit happens and you can't beat yourself up over it, just learn from it... but man do I feel like crap this time. I booked the trip wrong, twice. I'm going to eat at least a thousand dollars in worthless travel expenses, blow three days of vacation I don't have to spend, and have to explain to a number of people why I went on the same business trip twice in two weeks.
TIFU and kind of want to crawl into a hole. Worst of all? This is a crappy 'burb, so when I get around to trying to make the memories go away, it is going to be at a TGI Fridays. Nothing says despair like drinking on a TGI Fridays.
aequitas3: Make friends with the tgi fridays bar tenders. Become an alcoholic for a week. Get the spinach flatbread & entree for $15. Get fat, hang loose, and netflix.
Rindan: You joke, but that is literally an exactly what I did. I have just now stumbled back from a TGI Fridays. I am now about to flick on some Netflix. Your comment is either freaking creepy, or just a sad testament to how dull most of America is when you KNOW that there is a TGI Friday is within stumbling distance of every 'burb hotel in America.
aequitas3: I got a mean scar on my eyebrow from one of thiose nights :)
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1404868447 | 1404870000 | t3_2a75p7 | t5_2to41 | 25 | sykee1991: TIFU by making a joke about a dead guy.
Where I work, all employees can be assigned a locker if they want one. Well, today I decided to ask for one and was promptly given a locker code and a location. I opened my locker and noticed that there were a few things in there. Altogether there were a few unopened band-aids, some receipts, a marker, and a lanyard. As I was looking at the stuff and wondering to myself why this locker had someone else's belongings in it, one of my coworkers walks by. He asks me, "Hey who's lanyard is that?" and I go, "I dunno probably some dead guys haha". As soon as I said that his face dropped. "Dude I think I know whose that was".
The guy passed away 3 months ago.
macman07: That's dead wrong bro
PM_ME_RANDOM_SHIT: It sounds like he was pretty correct to me.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1404868567 | 1405284808 | t3_2a75w9 | t5_2to41 | 44 | fecesallaround: TIFU by dating my ex's brother
I'd known my best friend for 4 years. We'll call my best friend G. We got along amazingly, and he is one of the most respectable men in my life. We'd been friends, but some months ago, he decided to make a move. I accepted and we ended up dating for 7 months. It was all going well until he got accepted into grad school halfway across the country. I'm going to med school and staying where I am. The time I spent with him was amazing, but I unfortunately cannot bear the thought of a LDR. I broke up with him, but decided to remain friends. The one time after the breakup I told him I went on a date with someone, he seemed really upset, and I decided to never share that part of my life with him. I could feel that he still liked me and hoped that perhaps I would change my mind. This made me sad, and I made sure to always behave like a friend after the breakup. A few years ago he told me about his brother, who had left home a few weeks before I had first met G. The brother left after having a terrible fight about personal viewpoints and having always had a conflicting relationship with his parents. G's parents were not exactly the best people (alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.), but G had stayed in touch with them because the college we went to was about 45 mins away from his house. The brother had not gotten in contact with anyone in his family since he left for, and it made G very angry and hateful towards him. He mostly avoided the topic because he wanted to forget about his brother.
Fast forward to three months ago, when I was at work after a long day of studying. This guy comes up to the cash register. It was about two hours before closing time, but there was no one in the store. He places his order and we get to chatting. What followed was two hours of conversing with this guy. His name, we'll say, is S. S asks for my number and we start dating. We clicked immediately, and just naturally fell into being in a relationship. S always avoided talking about his family, saying that he hadn't talked to them in years, and was ashamed that he had left them completely. A week ago he told me that he'd come back to the city we live in after finding a job here in hopes of finding the courage to reconnect to his family. He had reached out to his parents, and he'd decided to have dinner with them, and hopefully his parents would tell his brother. He asked me to be there with him, and told me he'd like to introduce me to them.
Yesterday was the day of the dinner. I dressed up nicely and made sure to let S know that I would be there whatever may come to pass. We get to the restaurant, and I see G and his family sitting at a table. I wave to them, and they just looked at me. I thought this was odd, especially because G was looking at me like he wanted to kill me. I felt S squeeze my hand and ask me if I knew them. I said yes. It turns out S had been G's long lost brother all along. What followed was the most awkward dinner of my life. The parents were awfully nice to me, but G practically didn't talk at all. S, meanwhile, spent the whole evening trying his best to get G to crack a smile. It was awful.
TL;DR: Dated my best friend and broke up due to pursuing different careers, but was still going to be seeing him until early September. We decided to remain friends despite the fact that he still had some hope in getting back together. Best friend hated brother because he had left years ago and had never gotten back in touch. Started dating brother unbeknownst to all of us. Got to be there for dinner when they reunited, where the brother introduced me as his girlfriend. Awkward as fuck.
UPDATE: The dinner was two days ago. I talked to G yesterday, but he said he was so angry, he wanted to wait to talk because he didn't want to act irrationally. I wanted to respect his space, so I left it at that, and waited for him to contact me. Today around dinnertime, he swung by my apartment and said that he understood why it had happened. He realized it was out of everyone's control, but that he was angry at his brother because had left and hadn't had the decency to ever try to do anything for the family. He felt abandoned by him, and thought it was unfair of him to come back and try to start things up like everything was fine and dandy. On top of that, I'm in a relationship with his brother, which upset him because he had feelings for me. Despite this, he understood my decision, and the fact that I never promised him anything, and he had decided to go off to continue his education elsewhere already knowing that I'm going to be staying here and starting med school this August . He asked how I felt about his brother, and if I think his brother is happy and a good man. He then left and said we'd talk later.
snowmedic: Holy crap!!!!! The only worse scenerio would be if S was your long lost cousin!!!
fecesallaround: Haha yep. I guess I lost my best friend, but at least my boyfriend is there. Poor guy. I feel like I made things awkward for him :(
I_SEE_DUMB_PEOPLEE: you seem really unfazed by what you did.
I know it was unintentional but its surprising.
His brother abandoned him, and stole the love of his life.
but you're kinda bummed you made it awkward for your boyfriend? who you've known for a fraction of the time and don't give a thought to someone who's cared about you for years, other than "better ditch them"
I don't understand people.
fecesallaround: I never ditched him. We had come to an understanding that we would remain friends, and I tried my best to uphold that. Of course I care about him. I care about him incredible amounts, but it's something that I have to talk over with him to hash it out. The fact that it ended up being his brother out of all people is no one's fault. There's no pointing fingers and pretending someone needs to come in and fix things. It's all about talking things out now. And I didn't mean to sound as if I didn't care about him at all, but it's a difficult situation for all of us.
AnotherBicInTheWall: It's a difficult situation for HIM, and an "awkward" situation for everyone else. Take responsibility, and do not make it about you. Then, never do that shit again.
fecesallaround: I am taking responsibility. I'm trying to talk things out with both of them (him mainly, obviously, because he's the one who is most affected). There's nothing more I can do but to try to not fuck up anymore and try to be as caring as possible. Don't jump the gun and start calling me out on things, now. I'm just trying my best here.
AnotherBicInTheWall: Man, I'm not jumping the gun on anything. YOU posted in TIFU, you clearly know that as a result of your actions, other people have suffered. My point is that you should take responsibility for ALL of the unforeseen consequences. Not because you are the sole cause, nor did you intend to hurt anyone. I'm stating that if you had not made literally ANY ONE of the decisions throughout this cluster-fuck, everyone would be better off.
tl;dr Actions have reactions, in this case they were your actions, and therefore YOUR consequences.
| 8 | 5.5 | |
1404871138 | 1405084972 | t3_2a73ik | t5_2to41 | 2 | HelpfulGamerReloaded: No. You need to be alive, right front of me.
LordFappingwood: Oh come on! First thing any budding super knows is to keep their abilities secret! ;) Also, if you're somehow not trolling, please make an appointment with a mental health professional. You have delusions of grandeur.
HelpfulGamerReloaded: No point of keeping this secret since its not something you can learn.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1404863158 | 1404876679 | t3_2a6x4c | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending a link from r/fatpeoplehate to a fat friend.
My boyfriend's name starts with the same letter as this person, and they both have four letter names, so in a rush, I sent a link to this friend on Facebook instead of him. It's an older woman. She's the mother of someone I used to be friends with, but now I'm really just friends with her. She hasn't seen the Facebook message yet. She's a really nice lady, so I feel absolutely terrible. I tried to save face by saying, "I meant to send that link to my boyfriend. We were talking about how mean people on the internet are, so if you do read that link PLEASE don't think that those are my thoughts. I thought that they were being jerks." I'm really hoping that after seeing that message she won't open the link. If she does open the link, I hope that her sweet, misguided confidence that I'm a nice person will lead to her believing I don't actually think mean things about fat people. Also, before anyone tells me this is karma for being an asshole to fat people, I've never actually been mean to a fat person (to their face), and a lot of why I dislike fat people is because my parents are both obese and despite health problems, continue an unhealthy lifestyle.
Rebellious1: Forgive me, but I don't think that justifies anything. It's similar to saying "I dislike anorexic people because my sister is anorexic and won't get help". Not all fat people are unhealthy, and the assumption reads like a very bad excuse to be cruel to people and feel justified for it.
actual_librarian: Well, if my sister was anorexic and wouldn't get help I probably would hate anorexic people. When you are close to someone that is willfully destroying their body, it's very easy to lose any empathy for people in the same situation. Even on r/fatpeoplehate, if there is a picture of someone in the gym, people often don't make fun of that person and instead say, "At least they're trying." I agree with this completely. Mental illness runs in my family too, and when my sister found out she was bipolar and got help before it was too late, I was immensely proud of her. Even if it's not something you can entirely control, if instead of fighting it, you just decide to role with it, then I have zero sympathy for you. Edit: It's also worth mentioning that I obviously like the fat person who I sent this to, otherwise I wouldn't feel bad about it. She doesn't just get a free pass because she's a nice lady though. She earned my respect because she's losing weight, trying hard to eat healthy, and she's a runner who can run a lot farther than I can.
Rebellious1: I truly don't understand your logic here aside from your apparently firm belief that fat=unhealthy. Thats a generalization that many people prove false. Your issue should be with an unhealthy lifestyle, which is NOT synonymous with being fat. Personally, I weigh around 260ish, I'm 5'10. But I swim 2 miles 4 days a week, walk my dog regularly and until about 3 years ago I was a vegitarian. My health is absolutely fine, and yet-I am fat. You are persecuting a huge group of people for the wrong thing.
| 4 | 0 | |
1404868320 | 1404935998 | t3_2a75i3 | t5_2to41 | 1 | MrZeldaNerd: TIFU by breaking my leg for a 'friend'
Today, after getting approval to walk on my healing leg, i realized that i have indeed fucked up. I had recently asked an awesome girl that i had a crush on since 8th grade to our high school banquet about 3 months ago. I was stoked to have a beautiful and awesome date since it doesn't happen much to me. We had established that it was indeed a date and both had a thing for each other. However the night of the banquet, while we were both having fun and dancing, i danced a tad too hard on Gangnam Style and ended up with a distal fibula fracture and a trip to the ER. Needless to say the date did not end up so well, and later my date told me that she would 'rather just be friends'.
TL:DR- I broke my leg on a date with a girl and got hardcore friendzoned
dicksilhouette: This is 100% your fault. You blew it bud. You didn't get "freindzoned" You got politely declined because you're too much of a fuckwit.
Panda4a: What the fuck is your problem?
OffTheGridAndy: Yeah no shit. Good goddamn.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1404870022 | 1404947603 | t3_2a78al | t5_2to41 | 6,135 | matt2012bl: TIFU: secretly eating mushrooms while my wife was asleep in a house full of cats
This happened a good long while ago now so not really today...
It was April when I started this journey. During the winter I became a member of a magic mushroom forum and was learning all I could about growing magic mushrooms. I tried it once before and grew only a yellowish green mush that smelled of sweaty socks but this time would be different. I had a spore print sent to me and was off to the races.
I had tried mushrooms once before about 10 years prior and the experience was rather enjoyable. I have had way too many bad experiences with LSD to ever think about trying it and from what I remembered the mushroom experience was much less chaotic and harsh for me than the majority of my acid trips had been. After following every tip I could gather and about a month and a half of waiting, I have viable mushrooms drying in the food dehydrator.
The whole journey, from spore print to fruit, was done for reasons I don’t yet have a great grasp on. I was thinking at the time that growing them would impart some spiritual meaning into my experience. It had been a long, long time since I had taken any illegal substance and I wanted it to be special in some way. Growing them myself was an attempt at providing that, I guess.
The night I took them I really wasn’t planning on doing so. I was borde out of my wits and chatting with on-line friends. I told them I was going to eat my mushrooms but didn’t know how much to eat without a scale. I took a few pics of my intended dose and posted them and immediately got advice to cut that dose in half. So, with my wife asleep, I went down to the kitchen and made a concoction of purple slushy and powered mushrooms and gulped it down. I came back up and told the chatters that the deal was done and that I was taking shower and would be back once the fun started.
In the shower about 5 minutes when I felt a rush like I consciousness was being pulled away from my body. I was fighting to keep it with me. It felt as though is I had let it fly away I would have had a full out of body experience but for some reason I felt compelled hold on to it. I quickly turned off the water and looked down at my feet. They seemed miles away. That is when it hit me that the shrooms were kicking in!
Out of the shower and I put on the same clothes I came in with and headed up stairs. The shower Is in the basement of the house and there is a door at the top of the stairs. Opening the door, the light from the kitchen blasted my eyes and I got a good gauge of how far along in the experience I was. I would see that the kitchen floor looked smooth and had a liquid like texture. But before I could survey any more my black cat ran down in the basement.
I didn’t want to forget about him down there and it never really thought that I could just leave the door open and shoo any members of our herd that wandered down there after my trip. I trudged down the stairs after him and scooped him up and started back up the stairs. Half way up, a brown blur flew down the stairs as another cat dove to the basement. I tossed the black one in the kitchen and went after the brown one. While s picking up brown one, the black cat came back down the steps again and I scooped him up too. Now I am carrying 2 cats up the stairs.
At the top of the stairs, the door is wide open and I see our other 3 cats had come to investigate the commotion. As I made the final push to the top they all jumped into action like they planned it in advance. I started laughing hysterically, let go of the cats in my arms and sat on the top step as I watched all the cats bounce down the stairs. I found the whole situation so funny. Here I am coming up hard on mushrooms. I can feel the confusion building every second and now I have to figure a way of getting all 5 cats out of the basement.
By the time I had collected myself and devised a plan my face was hot and objects were starting to move. The time dilation had manifested and minutes were seeming to take longer and longer. My plan was to go down and capture one cat at a time and usher them up stairs. Once I got to five, the task would be complete. I raced down and grabbed the first cat I came across. And ran to the up to the landing and toss it, pretty forcefully, up the last 3 steps into the kitchen so it would get the point that I didn’t want them down there. Back down I went and did the same thing…that’s 2 down and 3 to go. I was getting more confused by the minute and on the fourth cat…..I had forgot how many cats I had previously ushered up the stairs. *face palm*
On my way back down I decided to count the cats down stairs and that would let me know how many were upstairs. Unfortunately, the whole time I had neglected one key detail in my foolproof plan….The door was still open. Just as I reach the basement floor, the whole heard can stampeding down again. Plan A was an utter failure.
Formulated just as quickly as Plan A, was Plan B. Cats have got names right? I will count the cats as I bring them up and remember the name of each cat so that I don’t lose track like the last time. BRILIANT!!! I thump back down the stairs and grab Funchee, the black one, and take him up stairs. He quickly tries to run back down and I push him back and close the door. Back down stairs I grab another cat. “Sammie…number 2”, I think as I put her up stairs and close the door behind me.
At this point my mind is worn out. Things are moving very well and walls have waves in them and on them. It is all but impossible to keep my mind on the task at hand. Those 2 things, coupled with the fact that the time dilation is making the last 5 minutes chasing these beasts feel like I have been at it for hours, is making this fool’s errand about as much as my brain could handle in its current state. I trudge on trying to complete this task and grab another cat but again at the top of the stairs I forgot where I was in the order. I put that cat up stairs and tried to count the cats up there to give me an idea of how many were left. But of course, they are not in the kitchen anymore. And again it escapes me that if I just keep bring up cats until I run out of cats to retrieve I will be through with this cluster fuck.
Unable to think pass my current predicament, I race around up stairs looking for the cats that had been brought up and they are nowhere to be found. My state had grown worse and I start thinking that maybe they got outside. But there was no way they could get out because no one opened the……..DOOOOOOR!!!!!....... The DOOOOOOOR!!!!! I forgot the close the basement door. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!
Ran back into the kitchen and down the stairs for the 50 quadrillionth time and BAM….there they were all 5 of them… Safe and sound. I had found the missing cats. Hallelujah!! They weren’t outside…my wife would have killed me if they were gone. Me, all high and shit and the cats go missing? I might as well pack my shit and go! What a relief! I love my kitties! *kiss * *kiss* *kiss*…..wait! Are we still in the basement?!?!?! FUCKING COCK SUCKING SON OF A BITCH MOTHER DAMN SHIT HELL……
I am done. My mental ability is gone. Each trip up and down felt like an eternity, I had only just enough energy left to get up stairs to the couch. I kneel by the couch and think about what I am going to do. I am mentally exhausted because apparently, counting to 5 is impossible while on mushrooms. My mind racing to come up with a solution to this impossible problem and never once did I think of just leaving them down there until they found something more entertaining to do than drive me out of my fucking mind.
The white flag was up. It was over. I needed the big gun. It was 2 or 3am, and she had to get up and go to work in the morning but I had no choice...I needed an adult. I have to wake my wife. She would make it all better. She will tame those damn hellions and all will be fine......but it wasn’t fine.
I went up stairs to our room and woke her in the gentlest way possible. By jumping on the bed and yelling “help!! I took mushrooms!!!5 cats in the basement and I can only count to 4.” Not the way I had envisioned it going down in my head but I was happy to get that much out without forgetting the reason I woke her up In the first place.
Sleepily she marched down the stairs and I lead her to the kitchen where the basement door was still wide open. All I could do was stand at the door and point down the stairs. I think I may have whimpered a little too with my gesture. She was not amused! I thought I was finally going to get closure. She would get the cats from the basement and I would be saved but NOOOO…..my savior turn to tormentor as she said the only words in the word that could crush me into an even more pitiful state. “well…Go get ‘em” she said. She didn’t understand that I was fighting this fight for what seemed like days now and wanted nothing more than to curl up in the corner and cry until I fell asleep.
She had no clue how close I was to a break down. Tears welled up as crossed the threshold of the basement door and descended again into my personal hell. I scooped up a kitty and carried it slowly up stairs setting it on the kitchen floor. One, my wife said in a long drawn out voice like she was talking to a 2 year old. Back down I went and grab up another “bundle of joy” and slinked up the stairs only to be shamed again by a long drawn out 2. By the third cat, short audible “poo, poo” sounds were coming from me as I was almost to the breaking point. My wife had begun to laugh at me and seemed to laugh harder each time I came up even more beaten than before. When the last cat came up I was greeted by a sighing “5” and a “now was that so hard” from my wife. I tried to apologize but she waved me off with a stern “we’ll talk about this in the morning” and walked up stairs to bed.
The cat ordeal was over but the trip was far from it. I was immensely grateful to my online buddies who talked me into halfing the dose because the rest of the night was filled with confusion and mind fuckery and intense time dilation. Not really a bad trip as bad trips go, but not at all enjoyable. I think I can cross mushies off the list of viable boredom relievers. I won’t be doing them again anytime soon that is for sure.
TLDR: ate magic mushrooms for the first time in many years and chased cats out of the basement all night until I gave up and got my wife to tame the beasts.
UPDATE: Wow!—made the front page, got gold….today was a good day. Thank you for the gold whoever you are. I am at work and will get to the few questions when I get home. The best part is seeing all the comments of people who can relate.
Update 2: OK…first things first. I have 6 cats now and 2 large dogs. My wife is a vet tech and was coming home with a new animal every 6 months to a year. Every time a kitten’s mother got hit by a car, I got a sob story a new cat. Now I think she hit her limit seeing that we have 2 litterboxes that hold 40lbs of litter each and she is cleaning them out twice a day. I told her that she was heading to “crazy cat lady” status and she stopped collecting them. But I really think that if I didn’t say something that I would be swimming in cats right now. She has a problem…
Next, as to why I didn’t leave the cats down there…I was incapable of looking past the task at hand and hyper focused on getting the cats out of the basement because of the effects of the mushrooms. Under normal circumstances, I would have been able to get them up there just by shaking their treats or chasing them with the spray bottle or just left them down there with the door open. Unfortunately, I couldn’t even consider any other options. That was my job and it had to be done. The mushroom gods had spoken.
To people giving me advice on how to have a good trip...you make the mistake that most drug users do. You assume I am a novice at (insert drug here) and just need your guidance. Let me assure you, I my drug dick is bigger than most. The number of different substance I have taken is quite extensive. My LDS experiences are in the 50+ range. I have given the same advice to other people countless times. Sometimes, you just say fuck it…just eat that shit! Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. For me the majority of my LSD experiences were tough to get through. So much so that the mere thought of taking it again gives me anxiety. I will not be taking it again…so feel free to eat my share along with your’s. I wouldn’t say I am 100% done with shrooms. But given that their effects are similar to LSD…the stars would have to align so perfectly, that having another psilocybin experience was the only practical option in that moment. it will only be a once in a lifetime event. So the chances are next to none that I will ever eat them again.
I have to say again it is good to see all the people telling of their own psychedelic experiences. The movement is still alive and growing every day. It may not be in our lifetimes, but someday people like us will be able to experience any substance they want without fear of imprisonment. I hope I am here to see that day, even if I am too old and frail to take the journey myself.
http://imgur.com/7LgYJBN
anusfloss: Great. How did the morning discussion go?
matt2012bl: it wasn't that bad...she was tired from being woke up and just left without saying much of anything. I had been growing the things in our office for a month so she couldn't have been too surprised that I actually ate some.
she got home from work and told me I wasn't never allowed to take mushrooms again when she was here. not that I couldn't take them...just be far away when I did.
anusfloss: She was pretty cool about it then. Thanks again for the story.
6romperstomper9: Yeah I read it 5 times....no wait 4 times?
flugsibinator: Poo poo poo.
Edit: How did I get over 100 karma for this?
solicitorpenguin: Last time I did shrooms, I thought my friend who had done them with me was going crazy on the inside, and was contemplating suicide.
Then, I thought he could read my mind, so I began to worry even more about that.
Finally, I realized I was the crazy one by coming to these absurd conclusions-BUT-I never dropped the delusion that my friend was going crazy/had mind reading powers.
flugsibinator: It's because he can actually read minds.
He's an alien...
solicitorpenguin: Hmm... I wonder what kind of drugs aliens have
flugsibinator: They have this cool beam of light that makes you fall asleep, then wake up making you think you were abducted by aliens. Don't worry, you weren't. It's all an alien joke.
solicitorpenguin: Oh, so that feeling I get in my butt is just the high wearing off right?
flugsibinator: No, you were actually abducted by aliens.
| 12 | 511.25 | |
1404848498 | 1404938852 | t3_2a66gz | t5_2to41 | 15 | usefulthings: TIFU by having big, stupid feet
I bought a house a few weeks ago. A real fixer upper. I've spent the last three weeks in the demolition phase: removing walls, tearing out the bathroom, and generally wrecking the house.
Today, on the first of the construction phase, I tripped over a floor joist and almost faceplanted on a concrete floor. Luckily, I caught myself with my hands. Or not.
The shock of the impact cracked my elbow.
I now have a completely demolished house and only one good arm. So much for the project plan...
BadgerRagerr: Just..... facepalm.
Puka1701: Floorpalm, actually.
PM-ME-ASIAN-ASS: Wouldn't it be floorface?
Puka1701: He caught himself with his hands, but I'm guessing he floorfaced shortly after.
| 5 | 3 | |
1404871381 | 1404905034 | t3_2a7adg | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught with pot (Im 17)
lordhades89: I was charged with possession once because I was riding with a friend that smoked. Make sure you ask fir diversion, that's what I got. I just had to pay a $600 fine, attend a 2 hour course and not get in trouble again for 6 months. It sounds bad but it could be a lot worse
MrSnazzyGoose: Is it only one class or multiple classes?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404872042 | 1404920192 | t3_2a7bcn | t5_2to41 | 11 | 1800Redcross: TIFU By taking a girl's number
This probably fits a confession bear more than anything, but fuck it.
So I work at a locally owned, but still-a-franchise icecream store that doesn't get much traffic during the weekdays, as such, I usually try to be pretty friendly/conversation-y to anyone who walks in, and when this semi attractive fatass'd girl and her two friends entered, I was no different.
I remember her face was a bit eh looking, but the body seemed to compensate, so I didn't miss my chance to be a bit flirty. We talk a bit, I serve her some icecream, ring her up, she leaves, and I return to fucking around in the store, or something.
Then, the completely unexpected (atleast to me) thing happened, where this girl waltzed back into the store, and handed me a slip of paper while saying "its for you", before promptly leaving again. So if you can't guess, the little paper had her name and number scribbled on it, and I felt pretty damn manly afterwards.
A couple weeks go by, and all is well, we talk on the phone/text regularly as I get to know her, and eventually we set up a date at this local mall. Everything seemed to be going way too smoothly, until one day, when I'm back at work again, on my break this time, and I get a snapchat from her. Except I didn't recognize the two girls in the snapchat; so this sparks my curiosity enough to actually try and spend the rest of my 15 minute break searching for her on facebook. Eventually I, rather unfortunately, stumble upon the right person, and after viewing her profile pictures, discovered she was 14.125 billion times uglier than I ever remember. I check the date on all the pictures, and they're all really recent. I check that I'm actually looking at the right person. I triple check that this is reality, but unfortunately it is, and here I am, sitting in the breakroom of an icecream store, realizing that I'm way too shallow to go further with this girl; that I just couldn't do that level of unattractive.
So I get off my shift, and, knowing that she lives an hour down the mountain, consider my options. I can either string her along for another week, or cold turkey everything right then and there. The douchebagiest option possible. And that's what I did, being a galaxy S4 owner I simply threw her number into my spam/rejection list, and decided to move on. I still haven't felt any guilt, and I stopped considering myself a decent human being about two days later. I've also probably given her a considerable amount of emotional pain and who knows what else, self esteem issues maybe? Go me. /s
Hugsnkissums: Wow...she has more balls then you. You're telling me she had the gall to try to take the relationship further and you can't even talk to her for a few minutes to tell her she's just not your type? That's not only being douchy, that's being a coward.
Well, at least it won't get weird until she gets ice cream again.
xluminosityx: than* FTFY
Hugsnkissums: You has more gooder grammars then me. You is awesome sauce. Shinie gold stahrs fur yew.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1404874760 | 1405010506 | t3_2a7fjp | t5_2to41 | 525 | [deleted]: TIFU by not wearing panties.
P.s: I am writing this on my phone so sorry for the grammar and such.
My friend invited me out to a pool party. I have been diagnosed with Aspergers and I am on anxiety pills. Having said that parties are not my thing but I have just finished my whole summer to-do-list that consisted mostly of school things so I said I would go. The night before this I stayed up watching an anime I recently got into and decided that it would be best if I set an alarm. It was just my luck that my phone was on silent and I woke up late. I was rushing to take a shower and throw some clothes on.I get there a bit late and realized that I just grabbed my swim top and not my bottom. I go to tell my friend that I would be back, but I see almost all of my classmates there( over 30 people) and I get too shy to swim so I ditch that idea and go say hi to my friend. She began to nag me about putting on my bathing suit and I said no then suddenly realize that in the process of getting dressed I forgot my underwear but its okay because I wasn’t wearing a skirt. Thats not true at all. My friend suddenly assumes that I am wearing a swimsuit under my clothes and trips me into the water. While I am in the water face first she grabbed my pants and yanks them off.Just so were clear my ass was up in the air with my legs spread. Yeah, everyone got to see my V’jay when I pulled my self up I bolted for my car. Only to find my emergence anxiety pills are gone and I am hyperventilating… still without underwear or pants on.
Update: I read some of your comments and every pool has a shallow end...and stairs(which is the part I fell on) My friend has contacted me but says that it's my fault because I wasn't wearing underwear. I will also admit that I forgot I was wearing underwear as I pulled away from house but thought it would be fine because I had my swim bottoms, which I had forgotten. And I was watching the anime, qwaser of stigmata.
crazyea: Today Your friend fucked up. Start planning your revenge.
COOL1AIR1: A dish best served cold
DeadJak: Wait till winter?
COOL1AIR1: Thats a little too cold dont ya think?? Best time is in the fall, not too cold not too hot
UsernameForStuff: You wait till it's cold, and push her into that very same pool. Hopefully she breaks the layer if ice and is unable to surface before it freezes over. Revenge served cold.
COOL1AIR1: Were trying to get revenge here, not kill the girl!
UsernameForStuff: Potatoe murder whose counting
| 8 | 65.625 | |
1404874275 | 1404913356 | t3_2a7eu8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | TheCunnilynguisyt: TIFU By Doing Laundry at the 'Rents
Alas, the almighty Universal Karma has struck. After a few weeks of lurking TIFU and having quite a laugh at the misfortunes of others, Today (actually five days ago, but not realized until today) I Fucked Up.
I (21 M) am entering into my fourth year of college. I go to school only about 30 minutes from my parents house, but have lived on campus the past three years. For the upcoming year, I decided to live off campus in a house with two friends. I moved in to this house about a month ago. To give this story full context, per Rule 2, I have to explain a bit about how I've changed since college.
I entered college at the age of 18, bright eyed and Bible in hand. I was basically a Bible-thumper from the Bible belt and wasn't afraid to show it. During my first year at school, I started a ministry with three friends, in which I led worship. This is/was how my parents saw me. It was cool, I guess.
As I learned, both scholastically and socially, I grew away from this. I was frustrated with the (big C and little c) church and moved towards a much more . . . secular . . . world view. I began drinking and smoking (mainly cigars, not drugs) and, eventually, having sex (heaven forbid).
Today, I'm not religious, but I believe in a God. I still have a good time, too. Enough context.
Let's focus in on a date. July 3, 2014. I went home to see my parents and, out of convenience, do some laundry... I don't have a washer/dryer in my house, yet. I go to my parents straight from work. I have a pretty long commute, especially when there's traffic, so when I got to my parents, I just dumped my laundry from the basket into the washer (Yes, I know I like to use commas). I talked to my parents, had a snack, then moved my clothes to the dryer in large clumps. After dinner, I went upstairs to take a shower. My mother, being the saint she is, decided to fold my laundry for me. Awesome, right?! Anyway, we say our goodbyes and I head home.
Fast forward to today, 20 minutes ago. I am (finally) taking out that laundry and putting it away. I get to my underwear and see something that is not mine. A black something that is not mine. Black lingerie. My girlfriend's black lingerie. I suppose my mom now knows I'm not quite the boy I was when I left for college. Poor mom. If she somehow comes across this, sorry about this.
TL;DR: TIFU by unknowingly having my mom fold my girlfriend's lingerie, probably nearly giving her a stroke.
JunkieCulture: Lol they're probably just relieved you like girls.
TheCunnilynguisyt: I had a girlfriend for two years in highschool haha
THELIFESAVOR: Having a girlfriend in high school means nothing now a days. None the less she is like most moms she got through it.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1404878181 | 1404878562 | t3_2a7kp2 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU I met a cute girl only to find out I had a sweat stain on my ass.
After work I usually bike around Randall's island for fun. As I was biking the ramp to the bridge I saw a very attractive female(out of my league type of hot) and about my age. Her chain became lose from her gears. I went over to help her, she then thanked me and we rode around the island. We talked about our lives and stuff. Towards the end of the ride I ask for her number. She gives it to me and then we both proceed to cross the bridge to go our separate ways. I then realize that the entire bottom portion of my pants were soaked in sweat. It was the sweat stain from hell ,the sweat stain of all sweat stain. I texted her promptly after our encounter. I haven't received a response.
I really fucked up.
6romperstomper9: Don't sweat it, she probably will call.
JussaiLLusion: Yes.
Gold for you!
http://imgur.com/HjCiFzI ^(close enough)
| 3 | 8 | |
1404878124 | 1404890174 | t3_2a7kmg | t5_2to41 | 20 | Dirtygreedo: TIFU by posting to a subreddit.
Using a throwaway here.
I recently discovered a subreddit that allows it's subscribers to express their erotic freedom and story telling. I began posting about a month ago and really got into it. I primarily would do this at night.
A little back story now.
My wife and I have had problems off and on since we've been together for 7 years. We've also got 2 kids together. I used to and still frequent the lovely ladies of /r/gonewild. I can't help but enjoy a beautiful body to look at.
She's okay with me watching porn. I haven't really been into it lately and have been getting really into erotica which lead me to the sub I was speaking about.
Last night she got very upset about her being the only person taking care of the house. She's a stay at home mom while I work. I have no problem coming home and cleaning and helping out but it gets to a point where it falls back on me because she feels like she doesn't get any help. Anyway. She got very upset last night and is always suspicious that I am going to cheat on her. Snoops on my phone and email when she gets the chance and says it was an accident.
I try to take precautions to lock my phone and computer but she gets concerned when I do that as well. So she knows my phone pin but not email password.
This morning she jumps on my tablet trying to find something dirty on me and she finds one of my throwaways that includes a heated story between myself and another female. Nothing personal. Very erotic writing though.
She texts me while I'm at work and wants to know what I've been hiding. I honestly have nothing to hide and don't feel that sharing an erotic story with someone is too much to get heated about. This may have been the straw that broke her back.
Now I'm at a bar contemplating where to sleep tonight. Effectively kicked out of my house. We're not sure what we are going to do at this point. I haven't talked to her since 12 or so. She's probably going to text me and wonder why I didn't try to win her back. Honestly I'm kinda done. I do want to go back but I also feel like there's nothing to go back to. Anyway. That's how I fucked up today/over the course of the past 7 years.
If you want more detail I'll gladly provide.
aTrai: Is the relationship worth saving?
Dirtygreedo: Honestly I'm not sure. I feel that she plays the guilt card very well. We've always been financially rough. I make roughly 12 an hour and her brother pays our rent yet we still end up in the red. Never can save anything. She blames it on me. I blame it on her. The reason i do is because she doesn't pull in an income. She's relied on child support from her precious marriage with two kids as well. She hasn't seen a dime In a few months and kind of relies on that as her income.
I do like the idea of her raising our kids and jot putting them through day care. But at the same time I can't help but feel that she uses that as an excuse to not have to work either. It's been 4 years since she last worked. Five this December.
I do still love her as a person and for her personality but there are just some things where I feel that I would be better off on my own.
In terms of relationships I've only been in three. She's been my longest. I'd hate to throw it all away but I'd also hate to throw away the rest of my youth. I'm 27 now.
just_another_hobo: Not the best at relationships but do what you feel would be best, maybe have a talk to discuss the reason for her having so little trust in you, you both sound like you need to get things off your chests.
Dirtygreedo: I honestly wasn't very truthful with her about a few things but she also was burned in her last marriage by a cheater. So I can't really blame her for it.
DeadPrez1: You're not the same guy as her ex though. Just have a nice open and honest talk where both of you can get **everything** off of your chests. Good luck with everything, man. Whatever your decision is, I'm sure it'll be the right choice :)
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1404881861 | 1404882546 | t3_2a7pum | t5_2to41 | 4 | just_another_hobo: TIFU by applying spray on tan
lm pale so trying to tan gets me sunburned easily. Tried out a fake tan for the first time. I now look like a zebra from the jersey shore. Going to spend the next couple days respraying or trying to get it fixed.
Edit: Typo
Edit : Should also add in I'm going to a pretty crowded place to swim tommorow.
WeepingAgnello: OP did you do it all by yourself?
just_another_hobo: Yeah... I should have had a friend help out.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404882367 | 1404888647 | t3_2a7qhs | t5_2to41 | 83 | A_Friendly_Robot: TIFU [NSFW Image] By sending my friends porn collection to my teacher...
Let me preface this by saying that there is some NSFW Language in this post.
So a few months back my friend and I were doing a year 11 sose assignment on the effect of media on today's youth. My friend had found lots of images of children sitting in front of the TV, on the computer or texting on their phones and I had started working on the text for the power-point. On Tuesday (1 day before the assignment was due) my friend gave me a 2TB hard drive (he was going away for a few weeks to New Zealand). He said that the the images for the power point were under the name "Photo Downloads" so, I plugged the hard drive in, there were about 7 or so folders called Photo Downloads so I clicked on the first one (I was a fucking idiot and didn't check any of them because it was) and pasted all the files into a drop box account and sent the link to my teacher along with the power point. about 20 minutes later she sent back an email (also CC'ed to my friend) asking "What is the topic that you have chosen for your assignment, I have you listed as doing the effects of media on the children of today", I sent an email back saying yes, thats what we were doing, she sent back another email saying the pictures aren't exactly appropriate for your topic. Please see me tomorrow and we will discuss the course of action that needs to be taken. I quickly flipped back to Dropbox and clicked on the very first picture....... [This](http://imgur.com/kb89XyO)
Anyway I saw my teacher and explained to her the whole thing, she seemed surprisingly lenient on the punishment considering that I sent her a picture of two lesbians... My friend got two days detention and I got let off.
**Tl;Dr:** I sent my Year 11 Sose teacher my friends lesbian porn
Just putting this in for shits and giggles, I got an -A and two B's for a "Revised" copy of the assignment.
**Edit** [--> Some more of the album](http://imgur.com/a/t0vJW) Warning its kinda fucked up. :/
seppty: What... Why would your friend get detention?? Do you live in the US?
A friend of mine was even caught watching porn on his phone in school. Nothing happened. Never heard of anyone I know getting detention. Not sure it's even legal here in Sweden.
A_Friendly_Robot: Australia actually, In my school we have a technology abuse rule, any violations = 2 days detention, kind of sucks I know :/
seppty: Did some research. Apparently you can be forced to stay for a maximum of 1 hour after the school day has ended. But I've never seen that enforced.
I mean people start going home from school alone at the age of 8-9 so there's really nothing to keep pupils there. And in high school the threat of detention would be laughable to me. You can just leave school anytime you want, no one stops you.
But like I said, I've never actually seen it enforced.
A_Friendly_Robot: Lunch time detention, you have to come in at lunchtime, sit in a room and do nothing for 1 hour +
seppty: Ah okay. Might work for younger kids here in Sweden.
But in high school? No way. I would just keep eating in the cafeteria since I already paid my annual food fee. Or eat at a restaurant, which is pretty common as well. There's no way a teacher could keep you in a room in our High school. You can just leave any time you want or even quit high school if you want.
Maybe I'm just so baffled and unused to the concept of your freedom being obstructed in such a way.
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1404882369 | 1404931862 | t3_2a7qhx | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting on my boyfriend's penis. (Kind of NSFW, but not really)
We were at a friends house sleeping in. I was the little spoon, he was the big spoon. I've recently changed my diet to a mostly fruit and vegetable diet, which has caused a few gas leaks. Anyway, I woke up in the worlds best cuddle to realize I had to fart. I thought to my self "this one will just be silent", which it wasn't. It had a very distinct "pvvvviiiiiip" sound. After a few seconds trying to tell my self he didn't notice, another fart was knocking at the door. I thought again "I can't hold it in, its got to come out. I bet this one will be silent". Suddenly and second "pvvvviiiiiiiiiiiip" burst out of my anus on to him. I then tried telling my self again that he was asleep until I heard giggling.
Later when talking to him, he mentioned that I farted on to his dick. Twice. His friends were in the room during this conversation, then they proceeded to talk about pubic hair. Mostly mine and the other girls hair. Which only added up to the daily embarrassment threshold for me.
I know its not the biggest fuck up, but I find kind of find it funny looking back. I hope you get a laugh out of my pain.
hereforfun99: So about your pubic hair?
[deleted]: It's maintained. I don't want to end up with a chewbacca undercarriage.
hereforfun99: ;) glad to hear it!
great story! a fart story is always gold. hope you are at peace flatulating in front of him now.
[deleted]: Oh. I bring it. Mostly in the silent but deadly form.
hereforfun99: i hope he knows you're a keeper!
| 6 | 10.666667 |
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