start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1404880940 | 1404910332 | t3_2a7omn | t5_2to41 | 9 | gila-monster: TIFU by breaking my friends T.V.
I know you've all seen the YouTube videos of people throwing their Wii remotes into their TV's, but would never do it ourselves because we're not that dumb. Well, it turns out that the strap isn't fail safe, and that if you don't tighten it enough, it will still come flying out of your hands and into the $2,000 flatscreen at your friends house. Fuck Wii Bowling
JonChineseMan: But did you get a strike
gila-monster: gutter ball
| 3 | 3 | |
1404887585 | 1404889081 | t3_2a7wcr | t5_2to41 | 26 | SarcasmTime73: TIFU by NOT flirting with my girlfriends' best friend.
I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks, and all is seemingly going well. We've been on a couple dates, and we talk on facebook almost constantly. Today, though, today luck was not on my side. We were chatting it up on facebook, when I suddenly get a message from her friend, her best friend. Apparently they were hanging out, and the best friend started hitting on me. She then asked me "Do you have a girlfriend by any chance? ;)" Obviously I responded by saying yes, and I tried to get her to stop talking to me like that.
However, this apparently wasn't good enough. After a back and forth conversation with her flirting and me NOT flirting, all of a sudden I get a caps message saying "OMG I'M SORRY YOUR GIRLFRIEND TOOK MY PHONE." I knew this would not end well.
Two seconds later, I get a message from my girlfriend. The first thing she says was "Why didn't you tell me" I tried to defuse the situation, but it apparently only made it worse. A couple of messages later, I got the message "I shouldn't be mad but you're just so rational" and that just lit the fuse. She got angrier and angrier and is now currently mad at me for not getting mad at her.
Would love some help
nickf579: If you're still in high school (I'm only assuming that because it sounds like a thing a high school girl would do and I was in a similar situation back in high school myself) then I'm going to tell you what I would tell a younger version of myself. You've only been dating a couple weeks and she's already crazy. Give it to her straight, tell her you're not mad because of what she did and if you didn't like what she did, tell her to not do it again. I honestly wouldn't do anything else. She's mad at you because you're not mad at her? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You're not going to marry this girl so don't be so attached after 3 weeks of dating. Maybe it's not to late for you to get mad at her, maybe if you do get mad at her it will solve the problem. Good luck man.
EDIT: I should also say that you should have gotten mad in the first place. I'd be pissed at my girlfriend if she did this to me. It isn't a good thing to not get mad at your girlfriend when she fucks up. You might think you're being a good boyfriend by not getting mad at her, but in the end it only reinforces her bad behavior and leads you to becoming whipped like butter. This specific post just brings out some angry emotions about my first girlfriend and if only I knew then what I knew now.
SarcasmTime73: I let her know that I was mad at her for doing this, and then she told me that the only reason she was mad was because she didn't think I was showing any emotion, and I was handling the situation too rationally. A reason why she did this was that she said that arguing was normal for couples, but I told her that I didn't want her to seek out an argument because it was a "normal" thing to do. Thank you for your advice, the situation seems to be solved. As soon as I pointed out why I had the right to get mad she quickly backed off. Again, thank you.
nickf579: That's good. Usually my go to advice for people with relationship issues it to just break up. Definitely not the best solution all the time. But with my past exes it would have been the right move.
Arguing is definitely normal for couples but her forcibly making an argument by what she did is not.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1404889843 | 1404928719 | t3_2a7ym7 | t5_2to41 | 24 | edder24: TIFU by asking a friend if she'd like to have sex.
I'm just dumb sometimes.
She was a close friend. Hell, I even became an ordained minister and was going to perform the marriage ceremony on her and her fiance. Then they broke up.
I bluntly said (it's how I do), in a text message, that I wanted attention from her. She responded, asking me if I like her. At this, I got flustered.
Due to unforseen dealing with events, I am not ready for a relationship. Basically, I told her that I would like "benefits" and that we're both cute, so why not?
She told me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. At the moment, I was scared to show sadness and regret, so I acted cool, like I was unfazed. Then I still pushed the sex idea. She likely thinks I'm a scumbag. And I feel like one too.
A scumbag, and, god I'm so dumb sometimes.
alb247: Doesn't sound like she was as good of a friend as you thought.
I feel like if she was, she'd forgive you for saying it.
edder24: I agree, but also I'm dumb sometimes.
alb247: Everybody is dumb sometimes. Right now she is being dumb by not forgiving you for saying something dumb.
I'd give her a couple of days to cool-off and approach you (don't try to contact her) and if she's still not talking to you by then, she obviously looks for very superficial qualities in her friends, in which case she isn't worth your time. Cut ties and move-on. If you're upset by the loss of her friendship, I promise you'll eventually find someone way cooler than her.
edder24: I now think she liked me but her opinion of me is ruined after I asked.
Yesterday I was typing a text to save to drafts and send in the future, but I accidentally sent it. :(
alb247: Eh, shit happens. She sounds conceited to me, but I'm just going off of this scenario you've described.
If she wants to give you another shot at being a good friend, she can come to you. No reason for you to try and win back her "favor". Brush yourself off and start dedicating your time and attention towards other people.
At the very least: You took a shot and missed. Better than never taking the shot at all.
| 6 | 4 | |
1404889236 | 1404890179 | t3_2a7y0p | t5_2to41 | 15 | tombob1: TIFU, by joking with a chainsaw.
Today, while at work, I saw a fellow co-worker rummaging around through shelves. I asked her what she was looking for and almost immediately I hear "I'm looking for scissors." naturally, I responded with "I'm sorry lass, all I have is a chainsaw." Innocent enough, and I got a quick laugh. I figured I could go the extra mile with the chainsaw bit and decided it was a wonderful idea to literally hand her a chainsaw. Little did I realize that her biggest fear was in fact chainsaws. So as soon as I got close she was a little more cautious around me. It did however get a laugh, when I started to fiddle with it because I tend to get nervous when a joke fails on me and she got a little freaked out. After I saw that she was upset I knew that it was no longer funny and I retreated to safety. It was quitting time in 10 minutes anyway, so I decided it may be a good idea to get out early and left. As I was on my way out I said good bye to said co-worker and she was looking at me as if I was about to murder her.
ieandrew91: When you saw her out side you should of ran at her and yelled Booga Booga Booga
tombob1: Probably not the best idea, but not a bad suggestion.
| 3 | 5 | |
1404890287 | 1404949636 | t3_2a7yzx | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by popping 2 Xanax for my first time
So this happened yesterday but anyways, I was home and one of my high school homie who graduated this year hit me up for some Xanax bars. (He lives really close to me so I just called him and walked over to his house to pick it up for 5 bucks) Now I've never popped them before but I knew what they did due to my other friends who've previously taken them. I get really excited because I'm about to smoke some dank weed for it to kick in faster. Now I knew what Xanax does to you, it makes you slur your words and impair movement and shit like that. It's kinda like you're drunk I guess. So I think to myself "well how bad could it be?"
So after I buy it I walk back home and right away pop it in my mouth and wash it down with some water. I take out my weed and start hitting it. Well either it was my first time or I just wasn't used to. Xanax, I didn't feel anything different other than the high from weed. So I hit up my homie again and ask if I can buy another one. So again I go back down buy another Xanax bar and pop it again once I get home.
WELL HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A DUMBASS MISTAKE. After about 20 minutes I feel really weird and I'm thinking it's the Xanax. I get up to go outside and meet up with my other friend to smoke more weed but this is where I fuck up. I get up and suddenly I'm like a mother fucking cripple because I start swaying sided to side and can't even walk straight. At that moment my friend just comes in my house because he lives fairly close too and I try to tell him I popped two Xanax. But all I say is some random ass slurred words and can't even talk properly. I go to the living room and then I FUCKING trip on my trash can. You know those trash cans where you step on the pedal and the lid opens. Yea. I trip over the pedal and I guess I completely knock out because I woke up with my parents all in my face asking me what the fuck I took and shit. At that point I still can't even talk straight and I'm just mumbling random shit to my parents and as I try to walk back to my room from the living room I hit my head on a shelf we have (it's like screwed to the wall at a head high level) and I fucking knock out again on the floor. I woke up this morning thinking why the fuck happened and why I woke up from the dining room. Memories are really fuzzy but I remember a few of them (thus I am typing this)
TLDR; popped 2 xannys for my first time. Tripped on a trashcan and knocked out twice. Talked to parents while I didn't even know what the fuck I was saying
OuttaSightVegemite: Whit did you fucking think was going to happen?!
Rollinblacks: Honestly I didn't expect that :( I know I know, I'm a dumbass
OuttaSightVegemite: Look, I'm really sorry to be so harsh, really, I am. But you need to understand how potentially life-threatening what you did was. NEVER mix depressants like Xanax with alcohol, for one, and NEVER put any drug into your body until you've done a little research into how it works, what to expect and what the safe doses are.
Take it from an addict in recovery, it's very, very easy to end up dead doing the things you're doing, understood? I don't want to be hearing of more stupid kids doing stupid, easily-preventable shit that got them killed.
Rollinblacks: Thanks for the advice, I mean I never really researched about Xanax but I knew fairly what it did. It's just that instead of waiting out the first I was stupid and popped a second one. -_- and I didn't drink any alcohol on it, just smoked bud. O.o
polishgravy: Why on earth would you take a drug you have no information on. Are you retarded? Hopefully you'll get a Darwin Award and we won't have to deal with your dumbass in the gene pool.
Rollinblacks: Because I'm still young and like to have fun unlike your boring ass who probably sits home all day on the computer, so fuck you ya judgemental prick
polishgravy: You have no idea who I am, so don't assume shit. For one, I don't post my fuckups on the internet like you. If you don't want to be judged, don't post it, you child.
coyhot: He just thinks it would be badass to post that here, because he thinks doing drugs is cool and fun. Turns out, doing drugs is fun, but bragging about it does the exact opposite.
Don't bother with him, he'll learn. I think every drug user has at least once fucked up, most of the time it's all good because no one is hurt and he won't do it again.
| 9 | 0.777778 | |
1404839313 | 1404898290 | t3_2a5pgv | t5_2to41 | 3 | quiktom: TIFU by putting a prospective girlfriend before my father
My ol' man is visiting from Australia and he's leaving on Thursday. I met a lovely girl two months ago, a day before she went on a two month sojourn in east asia. we kept in contact while she was out there and she got back last week and I've seen her twice since. My dad, who I haven't seen in two years, wanted to meet her so I said we'd go 'round the cafe she's working at. She wasn't so keen but that wasn't the issue because she finished work early and I walked her to the library. We got caught in a downpour and took shelter under a tree. it was wicked romantic but I forgot to call my dad to let him know. so now he's pissed at me.
TL;DR I ditched my dad for a girl and now I feel awful.
BwBeck: Bro spend some time with your dad. Just tell the girl you're with the situation you're in. You haven't seen your dad in two years, spend some good father/son time with him. You'll have her in the town you live in, and your dad isn't going to be around forever.
quiktom: Thanks man, you're right 100%. He was really cool about it though. I reckon he appreciates how into her I am.
| 3 | 1 | |
1404894482 | 1404919561 | t3_2a82md | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by coming too much. NSFW
**Warning: this is pretty long and pretty graphic. There's TLDR at the end.**
So, my fiance and I are swingers. We enjoy random sex with strangers and other couples. We haven't been in the 'lifestyle' for terribly long, but have enjoyed sex with a few single men (the men don't play with each other, only me) and a few couples (once in a swing club and once in our own home) over the last few months. As of right now, we are not 'full swapping' with other people (only dick that goes in me is his... well *usually*). We have had these experiences sporadically and with long intervals in between. That is, until this past weekend.
Since it was a long holiday weekend, we started partying with his non-lifestyle coworkers pretty earlier on Friday. We were nice and toasty when we decided to head to our regular watering hole. About an hour to last call, we ran into a guy we had previously invited home with us a few months back. Now, I'll say my biggest turn on smart guys and both he and my fiance have Ph.Ds in semi-related fields. Hearing them talk was like the biggest aphrodisiac to me.
So, under coy pretenses of academic debate, we head back to the house he's sitting for and have a couple of drinks. Eventually, I'm sitting between them and dicks are coming out. I start playing with them both and I'm begging to get fucked by someone. I start with my fiance, enjoying our non-condom relationship. Eventually, I'm wanting this other guys cock inside me but there are no condoms to be found. So, my fiance's solution is to let him pound me for 1 minute at a time (lol, drunk logic, we're clean and know this dude, but you never know. It's our fucked decision to live with.). I'm so close in the short time and when my fiance rips me off the dude and starts pounding me. I cum instantly. Repeat the process until I can barely stand/stay awake and I've lost count of how many times I've cum. It's usually hard for me to cum more than 4 times, tops. But, it must have been at least 8. The dude's finish on me and we promptly pass out.
The next morning, my fiance and I are still extremely horny from the night before, but we have work to do so we distract ourselves with that. We're sitting in a coffee shop: me doing homework for summer session and him coding. We keep mouthing dirty things at each other and get so worked up, we eventually decide to browse a swinging website to see if there was anything fun to do that evening. We find a party for couples only and inquire about attending. We get the okay from the host couple and make plans to go.
(As a side note, a water pipe had bust in apartment while we had been out and destroyed our bed and floored our floor. We luckily had the biggest of the mess cleaned up by around 10pm, when the party was starting. We were discouraged that we couldn't go because of the time but after explaining to the hosts we got the okay to arrive late.)
After showing up to this condo, we were nervous. It was our first house party like this and we were shaken up because of the pipe burst. Regardless, we proceeded to throw a few back and try to make friends with the couples that weren't currently engaged. People started coming downstairs and moving toward the kitchen for more booze where we were. After a bit, moved upstairs and we decided we were ready to head up. We start on a bed fooling around with each other. Eventually another couple starts feeling us out and there is some switching. The lady of the two was sucking my fiance as I was blowing her husband. The lady got tired and my fiance wanted to plow me so he did. I'm loving blowing this guy while my fiance fucks me stupid. Suddenly another dude we had talked to briefly presents me with his dick to suck. I've always had a fantasy about this, so I'm sucking on two (occasionally at the same time) and being fucked by the man I love more than anything. I cum so fucking hard from this. In news that I found out later, I apparently have a really intense bodily reaction to an orgasm and this turned the guys and my fiance on so much that they all finished quickly. We take a break and it ends up being just us, another couple (the second suckee and his wife), and the owner of the condo (the sole single guy, a BBC if it matters).
After another break, the four of us head upstairs. We two ladies are fooling around and the guys start fucking their women. After a bit the owner comes up to the bedroom and the wife and I begin to share his cock. This is pretty fucking hot to me and I'm having trouble keeping it together. I cum quickly then and then again and again. I'm getting pretty spent and the guys are discussing full swapping but I'm done. It's 5am and couple two drives us home after a really great night.
So, now it's Sunday and we got a late start to the day because of the very late night. We're both worked up but have more work to do. So it's back to the coffee shop. My fiance is sending me dirty pics from the last two nights (there were pictures, yeah...). After a serious discussion about playing again when our work is done, we decided against it and decide to fuck each other stupid at home. So we do. This results in a few more orgasms for me (three, I think). The near exact string of events repeats for us on Monday (yesterday) and at this point, I think I've cum more in four days than I had in six months.
Now, I don't know if y'all have had intense sex or masturbation sessions where your goal is beat your previous records, but it can lead to a pretty heavy fog or even depression. Something, something endorphins. I've heard of the same reaction after a Molly trip.
Well, yesterday I had a job interview that I think I did pretty well in. (I had to miss my classes, I went to a late make-up). So here's the fuck up. Yesterday, I left my laptop in my make-up and couldn't do my homework. Today, I was waiting for the phone call from the job place all day. They promised a 24 hour yes-or-no window. I get to class from when the interview was during and I can't concentrate. I get called on and can't answer question and my handwriting is so bad my notes are barely legible. I'm checking my phone every 15 minutes to see if I get the phone about job, but 24 hours passes and I assume they passed on me.
Depressed, class gets out and I head straight home and have every intention of working on my homework right away. Instead, I can't stay up. I nap for a bit, since not doing homework yesterday meant an all-nighter tonight. During the nap, I miss the phone call and by the time I return it, the manager has left for the day. My fiance gets home and asks about my meeting with my academic counselor which I have been waiting for weeks to have (I need to petition credits from another college to graduate). I forgot. He asks if I had returned last session's rental book from Chegg. I forgot. He asks if I remembered to get cat food or do the litter box. I forgot. At this combined with the fuck with the manager and the all-nighter in my future, I break down and start bawling. Bare in mind, that is no where near period time. I'm fucking crying and not making any sense until it dawns on me how many fucking times I came this weekend. I put it together and decided to procrastinate by typing this all out to y'all.
**TLDR;** *TIFU by cumming too much doing swinger activities over the holiday weekend and got in such a brain fog that I misplaced my laptop, missed a meeting with my counselor, forgot to mail a package, missed a phone call regarding a job, couldn't stay awake and basically ran out of happy.*
SimplyGrim: ....pregnant?
[deleted]: Non-hormonal IUD that had been firmly in place for several years, highly unlikely.
SimplyGrim: How long do you know, I'm sure they only last 3 years max. I wansn't meaning to be a typical "oh a lassies is upset must be pregant" kind of guy. It's just when you said you had a "no-condom deal" and it was no where near your period.
[deleted]: My fiance and I do not have sex with condoms, no (and typically wouldn't dream of doing it with a random, but we made a dumb decision we'll live with). And, trust me, I know I'm not pregnant, regardless of it being close or far from my period. I only mentioned it because I know when during the month I tend to get easily upset, and I was clarifying that this wasn't that time.
And just FYI the [non-hormonal IUD, Paragard, can prevent pregnancy for up to 10 years](http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/paragard/basics/definition/prc-20013048).
SimplyGrim: Ok, my apologize. My girfriend has one in and we were told 3 years.
buttonspectre: Skyla lasts up to 3 years; Mirena up to 5. Both are hormonal types of IUD.
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1404898464 | 1404901491 | t3_2a85oi | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by just now cutting my thumb, at 4 in the morning
TouchyJoFeely: Don't trust me, no medical advice given over the interests can be trusted. Seek medical attention immediately
TouchyJoFeely: Edit: interests = Intrawebs
FlyingBranch: it was not a normal cut it diagonally across the palm side of the thumb and on furnther expection it was not as deep but it was originally thought but it was just wide so it bled more than other cuts
FlyingBranch: i also skyrim sneaked down to my parents bath room and gathered some supplies to clean and dress the cut woke my dad up explained the situation and he laughed and said that something similar hapend to him and he said it should be fine and that it will heal but leave a scar
TouchyJoFeely: Boosh, problem solved. Balls +1
FlyingBranch: in a couple hours i can post an picture of the cut to make sure we cleaned it right thanks for your help man i appreciate it
TouchyJoFeely: As I've said, I am in no way, shape or form a medical practitioner. I'm just a clumsy bastard who gets stupid cuts frequently and gave my "opinion". If you die or get a staph infection, I am in no way responsible.
| 8 | 0.625 | |
1404897579 | 1404948311 | t3_2a850i | t5_2to41 | 92 | TouchyJoFeely: TIFU by showing my roommates my balls [NSFW]
My roommates refuse to turn the AC on. Ergo, I play FIFA naked (87 degrees in my room). Won a game, screaming profanity to my weak ass opponent. My two female roommates came in to see what's wrong. Realized that everything was right. Curvature-wise..
ked_man: How did you only show them your balls? Did you have you dick in a sock or something?
lucykat: That's an excellent question.
tiago2750: maybe he didn't have one?
| 4 | 23 | |
1404902146 | 1404924498 | t3_2a88n6 | t5_2to41 | 50 | lavenderleopard: TIFU: By being forced to face my greatest fear.
This happened about an hour ago.
I'm currently living with my fiancee's parents as we're saving up for the wedding and our own place. So this morning my SO and his dad are at work leaving myself and his mum in the house alone.
I decided to take a shower and come back into the bedroom after to dry my hair. It's pretty warm in the bedroom and I'd just put lotion on so I decided to close the curtains, turn on the fan and stay in the nude a bit to let my body air dry.
So I can't find my hairbrush anywhere and realise it's probably because the bedroom is a shit hole, clothes everywhere and stuff, so I think, 'meh i'll tidy it whilst drying off and will probably find the hairbrush in the process.'
I'm going about my business, picking up my clothes and grab some jeans off the carpet. Low and behold, there it is. THE BIGGEST MOTHER FUCKING SPIDER YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR WHOLE FREAKING LIFE. It'd been chilling under my jeans the whole time.
I have a pretty strong phobia of spiders, so initially my reaction is the most horrifying scream. It began silent and gradually became blood curdling. I paniked. I grabbed my dressing gown off the bed and stumbled to the door, my eyes frozen on the monster on the floor. I manage to make it out into the corridoor, yet my dressing gown was still in my hands.
At this point my soon-to-be mother in law runs out of the living room into the hall to see me pale faced, flying down the stairs with my tits jiggling all over the place. I make it into the living room where i scramble to put my dressing gown on, only to see the neighbours out in the garden staring at me - the shaking mess in only her birthday suit- wondering what the hell is going on.
So.... it doesn't end there. I know I have to sleep in this room again so I HAVE to find this spider and send it into oblivion. My SO's mother, points me in the direction of the vaccuum cleaner. I head back into the bedroom (clothed now thank god) and attatch the longest vaccuum attatchment I could find. I begin to sift through the clothes on the floor, as the spider has now hidden under the pile in all the panic.
I pick up each item, shake it and then launch it into the hallway. To no avail. I'm at the last pair of jeans.....IT MUST BE UNDER THERE!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, THERE IT IS. I picked up the jeans and it scrambles towards my handbag. Now logic would tell me to quickly turn on the vaccuum and suck the mother fucker away. Oh no, that's too simple. I begin to frantically bash at the thing with the meter long attatchment. Missing it obviously.
It makes it under my handbag. Now hyperventilating and crying somewhat, I realise I have smashed the vaccuum attachment into bits. The spider lives.
Eventually I decide to turn on the machine, quickly throw the handbag off it and somehow resist the urge to begin playing 'whack an arachnid'. Spider be gone, the bedroom be clean and my hair be dry. However I don't think my mother in law is happy about me destroying her vac or having my breasts flapping in her face as I legged it down the stairs. Not to mention the looks we're gonna get off the Jones' next door.
TL:DR Found a huge spider after showering, mother in law and neighbours saw me naked, then I destroyed the vaccuum trying to kill the thing.
EDIT: For reference the spider looked like and was about the same size as [this](http://bugguide.net/images/cache/VKIKCK7K9K9QO05Q10EQZS1QRSUQAK4KUKRKPK0KDK4KVKWQJ05QJ0IKLS8KDKVQDKSKT0EQB09QA00K9K4KLSVQOK.jpg)
TouchyJoFeely: The easier solution would have been set the place ablaze and evacuate all important living beings.. Source: Fuck spiders
lavenderleopard: That thought definitely ran through my mind lol.
PM_TIT_PICS: I can imagine what's running through your neighbor's mind.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1404902726 | 1404904806 | t3_2a893a | t5_2to41 | 11 | Div_ByXero: TIFU by going on vacation
Well, I (or rather my parents) are still in shock as I am writing this right after my little "incident".
So my family is heading on vacation, and we left before dawn this morning. As we are driving to the airport (still), I suddenly tense up. You know that cramp when you have to take a major shit? Well, I think you know where this is going.
So after about 10 minutes of agony, I tell my dad to pull over if he see's a restroom. Aaanndd... Well we are on the freeway and baltimore hates me, so naturally there are no reststops anywhere, when I feel it.
The conclusion, the final push. After about 30 minutes of shit trying to escape, it was out of my ass faster than you can say, "shit".
So, my face tells the story to my family. My dad starts flipping out (we are racing to the plane), my mom is trying to console me, my brothers are giggling, and my face looks like... Like... Well when you shit your pants.
So we finally find a reststop (after 20 minuets, go figure) and god damn its everywhere. An ass-plosion I would say. So I get some fresh clothes and waddle to the bathroom (I got some wierd looks, I hope it wasn't dripping) and my dad gives me some disinfectant wipes and I clean up. (My new pants, socks and flip-flops are tinged orange. Oh yeah, did I tell you the shit was orange?) Only, don't rub disinfectant wipes on your asshole. Burns like a mothafucker.
Anyway, so here I am, the smell is lingering, I still have some skid marks on my leg and we are trying to make up for lost time. I'll tell you if security gives me any weird looks.
**TL:DR**: Don't eat Dominos before a trip, and fuck Baltimore.
Jeeperscreepers96: That happened to me once but I was only walking into Walmart...when I finally got to the bathroom I was a mess. Really the only thing that's different with my story is the fact that I didn't get any weird looks...cause Walmart.
Div_ByXero: At least I'm not alone :)
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1404904673 | 1404910093 | t3_2a8amt | t5_2to41 | 9 | malachymac95: ur a big meanie
UnluckyLuke: What did it say? ;_;
malachymac95: > It hurt
> TL;DR: ow
UnluckyLuke: Well, it made me kek. Don't listen to the big bully head.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1404904453 | 1404911175 | t3_2a8amz | t5_2to41 | 38 | sandrahj: TIFU by cheating on my boyfriend, solved it, but now a new problem has appeared.
So I saw some posts about this so thought Id share my TIFU here as well.
Right, let me begin by saying that I in NO way think anyone should cheat and yes I did feel bad. So here's my story:
I've always been very kinky when it comes to sex. Vanilla just doesn't do it for me. So I've been together with my boyfriend for 1,5 years and we have nice sex. Nothing extraordinary, but still good. The only kinky thing he told me about was that he was bi-curious, but never talked much about it and never did anything related to it. He wanted it to be a secret, so ofc I don't push it or tell anyone either.
My boyfriend has a friend, a guy, whom I known from reputation is quite adventurous in bed. Me and my BF's friend have always gotten along well. But for the last few months we've started exchanging these looks.. it's hard to describe, but yeah there was some sexual/curious tension between us.
So my BF is away skiing with his family for a week and I hang out with his friend. We go to a party, we have lots of fun and drinks, then we leave together. We're really flirty and when we're close to his house (we live pretty close to each other, all 3 of us including my BF) well, we start making out. A LOT! So we go back to his place and have lovely sex. We did some kinky stuff (what exactly is not important even though I bet 99% of you came here just to hear about that).
We met up every night, except for 1, that week and have sex. We both feel guilty, but both him and I are really into it. I actually find it incredibly sexy with an open relationship and us fucking other people. Something I've kept to myself, ofc.
During this week, I actually find out this guy is bisexual too!!!
Anyway, my BF gets back and I decide I have to tell him. No matter how turned on I was about it I had to tell him. So I did. He was a little pissed, though not so much as I thought he would?? We sit down and talk things through, and it comes down to us talking about sexual kinks, because that was what my whole cheating was about.
So basically what happened was I told him his friend (who's really hot) was bisexual. And skipping the details, it resulted in the 3 of us talking through what happened and a few days later trying out a threesome. This was a year ago and the 3 of us often get together to have amazing, dirty sex. I even get to watch some guy on guy action, but mostly I get the attention!!^^
Here's the new problem. The friend recently got together with a girlfriend of his own. But our threesomes have become such a habit and part of our sexlife, so we kept having them. And she doesn't know. Neither of us have any idea of how she would take it. They've been together for 3 months now and she's completely oblivious to the fact that her BF (my BF's friend) sleeps with me and him almost once a week. None of us wants to give up what we have. It's both sexual, love and friendship, it's amazing.
What to do?
Soulrush: > solved it
No, you just lucked out. You're still a worthless cheating whore.
sandrahj: Yeah I know. But sexual betrayal does not equal an emotional betrayal for me. Sleeping with other people does not mean I love my boyfriend any less.
I understand most people don't agree with this. But that's how I feel about it and is the reason I could even sleep with his friend in the first place.
natedogg787: But did he know you were doing it?
sandrahj: I told him as soon as I got home.
01-559-2620: If i intentionally throw your favorite fucking thing on the ground and shatter it to thousand pieces and then apologize to you... Is it still broken?
Your moral Compass is so fucked up it would suprise me if you found your way out of a wet paper bag.
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1404904906 | 1404933187 | t3_2a8b0s | t5_2to41 | 13 | ThatAussieBastard: TIFU By dropping a loud F Bomb in a church
I was invited to play a game of cards at a local church recently and I had agreed to play just a few games. Ended up getting a pretty good streak throughout the night and the last game I played I had lost and shouted out "GET FUCKED" fairly loudly. Everyone turned and looked at me. It was awkward as hell, needless to say I prayed for forgiveness and bailed.
Voyager5555: TIL:
Gambling in the temple - completely fine
Cursing in the temple - Seemingly not so much
ThatAussieBastard: It wasnt gambling, just a friendly game of cards. At least thats how it started
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1404909889 | 1404948952 | t3_2a8g53 | t5_2to41 | 6 | 69username69: TIFU by taking out my poptarts to early.
I burned my thumb. I'm going back to sleep fuck this day.
lordzod: What kind of pop tarts were they?
TheRiddl3Mast3r: This guy is asking the important questions.
| 3 | 2 | |
1404911439 | 1404913062 | t3_2a8i07 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my wife "let's go".
My wife has been bugging me to buy her a ski boat for a while. Yesterday we found one she wanted, but I was on the fence. The owner, a friend of the family, sold it to someone else. She was bummed. Later, we saw an ad for an almost identical boat. Went to look and it was AMAZING. She said, "I'm not leaving without this boat". I said, "let's go" and drove to the gas station. She was visibly upset. I had her draw money from the ATM and we headed back to buy. Another buyer was standing by the boat, cash in hand, waiting for the owner to return with the title. My wife cried as we drove away.
RobertCornelius: Just buy her a new boat for fuck's sake.
joeldare: You mean "new"? Like, brand new? I'm not made of money man.
RobertCornelius: Well... you should be.
| 4 | 1 | |
1404912510 | 1404971507 | t3_2a8jd5 | t5_2to41 | 67 | David_0072: TIFU by convincing my mom to do drugs
First of all: sorry for no englando, I'm from Germany.
When my mom first found out that I was smoking pot, I was really in trouble. Years passed and I managed to make her think a bit more liberal about this topic. She was still against it but she realized that she couldn't really do anything about it but kept doing negative comments to me whenever I showed up high, like: 'Oh son I see, stoned as fucked again. You know what happens when the cops get you some day *walks away*'.
I was in Amsterdam with friends a week a go (you can legally buy weed there for those who don't know). When I came back she asked me what we were doing and I told her that we were smoking dope and having a nice time. Also I told her that we were doing hash brownies and that we smuggled some. She asked me, like always with a kinda pissed off voice: 'Do you really have to smoke that fucking drug shit'. Then, to my surprise, she asked me what it feels like to be high. So I got my hash brownie (with really strong nepal hash) from upstairs and offered it to her. 'Are you serious son ? GTFO with that shit. What would actually happen with me ? Would I be laughing or what ?'. I was like 'hell yea she's really doing it' and made her really eat it.
It was 6pm when she ate it. The worldcup game which we Germans were all looking forward to was about to start at 10pm. The guests she invited (10ppl) for a little get together (watching the game, eat & drink n shit) were about to come at 8.
An hour passed (7pm) and I asked her if she's noticing anything yet. She told me that she didn't feel anything but a prickle in her legs. Another 30mins passed and the first guests arrived. I asked her again and she told me: 'wtf is that shit. All this shit does is making me tired and lazy. When does this shit stop ?'. I was kinda disappointed cause I was expecting her to freak out, laughing her ass off and shit, so I left her alone with the 2 early friends of her and went upstairs in my room. I got in teamspeak and told my friends what happened. They were all laughing and couldn't believe she really just did this. While talking in teamspeak I heard a loud noise, like someone's rushing up the stairs. I stopped talking, took off my headphones and listened. Then I heard my mom screaming my name. I ran out of my room and found her lying on the ground in our bathroom moaning 'what did you give to me ?'. Vomit in the bathtub. I didn't really know what to say, was feeling really bad, didn't expect this to happen at all. I was sitting next to hear, she still lying on the ground. I offered her water and after like 5 mins I helped her getting up and took her to her bed. Told her to have a rest for a few minutes, then it'll be better. 2 hours passed, she still in her bed, feeling weak and bad. Downstairs all the guests, waiting for my mom to come down, not knowing she's stoned as fuck and feeling bad. World cup would start in 20mins. My neightbor Carl shouted up the stairs 'Marieeeeeee, we're waiting ! :) Come join us !'. I facepalmed and thought stfu, she doesn't need your shit right now. 2 minutes later she actually stood up and went down to her guests, looking really fucked up and stoned. All the guests were welcoming her with a fucking la ola wave & chanting her name (http://www.smiliesuche.de/smileys/la-ola/la-ola-smilies-0006.gif). I haven't talked to her since then. My dad told me later that she didn't really say anything (and my mom is usually partying with all her friends) and that she had like a 10mins fit of laughter. I'm feeling really bad now...
Aint_EZ_bein_AZ: By the age of 13 I was well aware of the magical drug haven known as Hamsterdam.
maskedmonkey2: Fuck whoever downvotes The Wire References
slthomp2: The fuck did I do?
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1404913508 | 1404920787 | t3_2a8kr0 | t5_2to41 | 9 | aethernyx: TIFU: By leaving fluffy cat toys out on the balcony to dry
We had been fostering a kitten and lent it some of our older cats toys after he left yesterday I washed the said toys and left them on our balcony to dry. There were five in total, today I went out to check if they are dry, only 2 toys remain, the other 3 are gone, my suspicion is birds (one of them was a ball though, no idea how they took that one), they were some of my cats favourites :(
CurbinKrakow: Repent with catnip.
aethernyx: Strange thing is my cat doesn't like catnip! I will just give her lots of affection, she won't understand her loss anyway! :P
CurbinKrakow: The gods of canned tuna may be able to assist?
aethernyx: good idea :D i will try to repent!
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1404917318 | 1404964809 | t3_2a8qcd | t5_2to41 | 4,594 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching a small child in the face at Disneyland
I was at Disneyland Paris with a group of friends. We were on that ride where you all stand in a room/spaceship whilst it gets pummelled with asteroids. The room shakes, sparks fly and flames pop up. People are fighting for balance and grabbing hold of things.
At one point all the lights went out. Everyone screamed and it was pitch black. I reached out to grab a railing, but recoiled when my knuckles connected with something unexpectedly soft.
When the lights came back on I saw a young child was standing close by, face red and drenched with tears. His father tried to console him as he wailed in terror.
Upon realising I'd just punched an eight year old in the face, I slowly turned and edged away.
00001111: >Upon realising I'd just punched an eight year old in the face, I slowly turned and edged away.
You did the right thing.
NateTut: You should have apologized to the child (and parent). Kids get too much experience with adults as a-holes who treat them mean.
AnoK760: yeah i had a lady threaten to kill me once because i accidentally knocked over her ukelele that she had left propped on a barstool, unattended, in a crowded ass bar. i picked it up and it wasnt broken at all. You'd have thought that i had just picked it up, broke it over my knee and called her as cunt the way she reacted. People get too protective over belongings, how do you think they're gonna react when its their kid and not a piece of junk?
fish60: Hey, remember how insane she went when I broke her ukelele? Huh? Come on, that was a little piece of wood, this is their kid.
AnoK760: maybe if you read my whole comment....
>People get too protective over belongings, how do you think they're gonna react when its their kid and not a piece of junk?
fish60: It is an edited quote from a famous movie. So judgemental with the quick down vote. Jeez. Have an upvote.
HopelessSemantic: It sounds familiar, but I can't figure out which quote.
Crocodilefan: its from that one movie where they said that, i think it had actors in it, ringing any bells?
HopelessSemantic: Oh, is it the one where that guy does some stuff?
Crocodilefan: There might have bean a girl too, idk
HopelessSemantic: Do you know if she did stuff?
Crocodilefan: Maybe
HopelessSemantic: Hmmm, I think I know which one you mean. I haven't seen that one.
| 14 | 328.142857 | |
1404917848 | 1404951709 | t3_2a8r81 | t5_2to41 | 127 | J1zzonyou: TIFU by picking my nose
Was digging away while driving to work. Went over a bump and a moderately high speed. That pinky went in to the knucle.
workstudy_: [For you OP]
(http://i.imgur.com/pQj5JvU.jpg)
J1zzonyou: this is awesome. Thank you kind stranger. Let us now be friends.
workstudy_: Thank you for the story. I hope it's an accurate likeness.
mr-3b0d: [now kiss](http://www.coolestfamilyever.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/now-kiss.png)
| 5 | 25.4 | |
1404920619 | 1405008664 | t3_2a8s6a | t5_2to41 | 156 | chode0: we'll get it ironed out, i just hate being made to feel like i cheated on her or something. i went running with a girl for 45 minutes, then went to the grocery store. super exciting evening
DeadPrez1: This isn't always true buuut when people get defensive and accuse *their other* of cheating, it is possible that they are actually the ones cheating and are becoming angry because of the acquired guilt..otherwise, like another commenter said, just introduce them :) good luck, OP
seasond: If it isn't always or even usually true, then why would you mention it? Of course it's a possibility, but it's unlikely. It is human nature to be jealous; You just have to keep it at a healthy level.
zeabu: > It is human nature to be jealous
No, it isn't. It's when a person feels threatened, is insecure.
GroBenSchwanz: It's human nature to feel insecure, jealous, etc... You know, emotions and stuff.
zeabu: I don't. My friends don't. Many other people don't. Insecurities are related with a low self-esteem. Fix *that*, not the symptoms.
[deleted]: It's great that you're strong, but the reality is most people aren't that robotic and logical.
zeabu: That's the effect of having this hyper-political correct society, filled with taboos, failing education that's based on teaching what to think, not to just to think, traditional family values and role patterns that make people feel failed if they don't comply. Etc. but that's blazing away from topic.
[deleted]: lolwut.
She feels jealous because her spouse has a void in his life filled by a different, attractive, and probably more fit woman. If you can't understand how human emotions might be tied to the situation you either lack empathy or have Asperger's.
zeabu: Sure, her being insecure and possessive, that's definitely my lack of empathy...
[deleted]: You're blaming a "hyper-political correct society" for a woman who feels threatened by a dime piece filling an important one-on-one experience in her husband's life. If you can't understand why she *might* feel insecure and possessive you lack empathy or life experience.
zeabu: > If you can't understand why she might feel insecure and possessive you lack empathy or life experience.
Lack of trust in a person who cares about her, and chose her to have children with, marry her, and so on. She's immature, and insecure, and that has nothing to do with the lack of empathy on my part, nor with the lack of life experience that you imply without knowing the least minimum about me.
[deleted]: Let's still with lack of empathy. Good night.
zeabu: Or not suffering from the First Girlfriend Syndrome. I did all that shit (caving in) when in an 8 year long relationship. I learned from that. There are battles not worth fighting, and there are the "symbolic" ones you can't cave in to.
| 14 | 11.142857 | |
1404919533 | 1404942373 | t3_2a8u06 | t5_2to41 | 168 | [deleted]: TIFU by Getting Ready for College
This morning I'm woken up to a pounding on my bedroom door. I halfway gurgle out a "what" before I'm told to come grab my stupid box out of the living room. Upon hearing this, I begin to think before it hits me: I'm startled awake, and I'm instantly paralyzed with fear. Today was the day I had truly fucked up.
In order to give you some backstory, I hate my parents. This isn't some sort of teenage angst story based out of how unfair they are. I'm 21, live with my parents, and am basically a prisoner. My parents live in a 40-mile radius of nothingness in Northern Arkansas, and there is quite literally nothing here, save the machine shop my step-father owns. I at one point had a job, but giving my entire check each month to my parents for gas didn't cut it for me. My step-father is an ex-alcoholic, ex-drug addict who has a short temper and a pretty shitty set of morals, and there's no one better suited for my mother, a manipulative schizophrenic abusing the system for free disability.
The only person that I can even relate to in my family is my grandmother, the kindest, most thoughtful person in the world. She's the only person in my immediate family who cares at all if I succeed in life, and she promised me a long time ago that she would pay for everything if I made it into college. In secret, I managed to register, attend orientation, pick classes and pay for my room and meals for this Fall without them knowing. She also paid for my new sheets, but let me pick them out and order them. This is how I surprised my parents with my hopes for college. It seems I managed, in some sort of idiotic stupor, to put my own address instead of hers. I shipped 40-pounds of college readiness in a crate right to the front stoop of the two people I didn't want to tell.
Cut to two hours ago, I walk in to the living room to a cacophony of shrills screams and empty threats, asking how I managed to buy "four-hundred dollars of bullshit." I stammered, unable to really explain myself, and listen to arguments over how selfish I am for wasting money and not thinking of anyone else with my spending spree. My mother starts crying, telling me how much of an awful son I've become, the usual stuff I deal with. After maybe an hour of this, I finally get to my room with a box half my size full of sheets and other materials I'll need for my new room. I just collapse in my room sobbing, hoping that this won't blow up in my face any more as they continue to yell through the door.
It's pretty calm right now, they've found other things to yell about, and I've had enough time to think about this. They've probably come to the realization by now that I'll be leaving, and just knowing that there's roughly 37 days until I leave here is making everything all better. I managed to call my grandmother on Skype earlier, and we both found the courage to laugh about this. I know this wasn't the funny post of the day you were looking for, but just putting this down somewhere and reflecting on the fact that I'm almost a month away from starting a brand new life makes everything just a little bit better.
EDIT: Holy shit, thanks for all the good wishes, it really fucking means a lot. I'm aware of what's happening, and how I need to get out, but it's just kind of difficult being literally stuck in a place like this. I'll get through this, I'm sure, and I've already made arrangements with school officials for some level of mental health services. I'll be attending Arkansas State University, and I'm damn excited for it. I'm really grateful for all the love I received. You guys are great. :3
cococof2: Maybe this subreddit can help you: /r/raisedbynarcissists
NotYourLocalCop: Wow. This subreddit is exactly what I need these days, thank you.
cococof2: No problem, man. Good luck!
| 4 | 42 | |
1404920655 | 1404963806 | t3_2a8w1e | t5_2to41 | 190 | -OuchMyButt-: TIFU by jerking off into my son's diaper
My wife hasn't been giving it up lately so I've been beating it quite regularly. I visit all the typical places, xnxx, pornhub, realgirls, nsfw, celebs etc.
Well today, I was beating it like a champ in the bathroom when I heard her coming. I didn't prepare well and didn't make sure I had something to clean up with. So when I heard her coming and realized the door was unlocked, I freaked and scanned the area (While still holding myself). The toilet paper was out of reach and empty so I grabbed the first thing I could which was a diaper that was sitting on the sink. She walked in right as I was finishing into the diaper. Now she thinks I'm weird.
duwellinshar: You can't beat off in front of your wife?
PS assuming it was unused, what a waste of a diaper!
-OuchMyButt-: I tried once. She got mad when she woke up and saw me.
The side tab was broken off. That's why it was there. It broke earlier. So it was a waste anyways.
duwellinshar: What a strange thing to get mad about.
If I walked in on my husband beating off I'd instantly be aroused and get in on that. But then again all women are different. I happen to be one of those women that has a very high sex drive. I counted down every day of the 6 weeks after my son was born, couldn't wait to get it in.
Supajin: Why'd you have to wait 6 weeks?
duwellinshar: When you have a baby your uterus has to heal, for obvious reasons. The placenta leaves a wound inside your uterus and bacteria can easilly get up there and start an infection. Aside from the dangerous risks of bacteria and infection, the cervix has to properly close up and reposition. It's a slow process, if you have sex too soon it can damage the cervix. If you experience tearing there are stitches that can't be messed with either, and is also a wound that needs to heal. In my case I had a c-section, so with that there's a risk of damaging the healing muscles in my abdomen, or reopening my incision.
I felt fine and normal by week two, aside from pain in abdominal area. And 6 weeks might be a stretch, but we decided better safe than sorry, and not risk anything.
Supajin: Ouch, never knew that. TIL.
| 7 | 27.142857 | |
1404922477 | 1404925367 | t3_2a8z5m | t5_2to41 | 2 | Woodman23: TIFU by buying the wrong chap stick
Voyager5555: Because going back and buying the right one would be too difficult?
Woodman23: It is when you are on your way to work and don't realize it until you are in the car.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1404922511 | 1405024103 | t3_2a8z8x | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by being in denial.
So, some context first, there's a group of friends I don't see very often since I changed cities. In the future we will meet even less, since I'm moving to another country, so yesterday we decided to spend the day at an amusement park, as a kind of a farewell reunion.
That morning I had to take a blood test. I usually get a bit light-headed, but nothing too serious. This time, however, I fainted. This should have been indication enough that I wasn't on my best shape, but I considered it was nothing a good, abundant breakfast wouldn't cure. So I left for the amusement park without giving it a second thought. I wasn't going to let such trivialities spoil the day! Now, I'm the kind of person that rides every damn thing in every park, from the slow river ride to the most life-threatening-looking roller coaster. I never get sick, ever. I laugh in the face of danger and I childishly pride myself on it. That's why, when I started to notice all that spinning wasn't having a kind effect on me, I didn't say a word. I was also just starting my period, so I figured, that was all, and sitting for some minutes would solve the problem. I kept thinking my stomach would stabilize after lunch.
It did not. After a while, I was feeling tired, on the verge of a heat stroke, dizzy and with a hint of nausea trying to make its way up my guts, but I incorrectly imagined I could stand one last spinning ride before we moved on to the more forgiving water park section. So we all got into this trompo-like thing, that moves both vertically and horizontally, and probably has a real name. One of the guys had already begun to notice something was wrong, and sat beside me to try to talk my worries away. The seats were on the edge, facing the outside.
At the fourth spin or so, it became painfully obvious it wasn't going to end in a pretty way. Of course, I couldn't just vomit. With the ride's trajectory that would mean either getting it all over that good intentioned guy or having to go back home (which takes roughly 2 hours) partially covered in what once was ham and peppers. I focused all of my energies on keeping my mouth shut as it got filled with waves and waves of ex-food liquid. As the ride kept spinning and I started feeling the vomit running out of my nose, but a decision hadn't been made yet. A drizzle escaped my sealed lips, and I quickly raised my arms to block my friend. "She looks like she's having a good time!" he must have thought. It looked like there was nothing else coming up, so I opted to wait, with my cheek swollen like a hamster. In the end, the ride slowed down, started moving like a pendulum and I was able to let it out on the floor. No victims, and just one sympathetic witness. Those were the two longest minutes I remember ever living.
I just left after that, utterly defeated. It wasn't the best day of my life, but I think the others enjoyed it and, apart from that one guy, no one noticed my self-inflicted torture session.
TL,DR: didn't want to spoil our last meeting, got vomit on my nose.
pbanken: I had a crazy amount of work to do these last days, therefore I spent ages reading TIFUs, and yours truly stood out. Crazy words I've never heard before (trompo-like), invented inner monologue for friendly guy, and a few hundred more small details made this story special. Gotta admit, if the friendly guy had been your long time crush it would've been one for eternity ... Thank you! BTW: What country are you moving to?
[deleted]: Oh, not at all, thank *you*. I actually do have a bit of a crush on the guy, but that's not going anywhere, so I thought it wasn't really relevant.
I'm moving to the UK!
pbanken: Oh, I love the UK! Studied at Warwick for a year (near Birmingham), and loved it ever since. In so many ways I miss it so often, the musoc culture, Indian food, humour, the accents, the people in general. Enjoy!
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1404926486 | 1404949210 | t3_2a96co | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by jokingly challenging one of the other delivery drivers at work to a race.
We were both leaving on a delivery, going about the same distance. He's 19 and his ego consists only of his ability to drive. We've always fucked with him about it, saying we could all take him in a race, that his truck is slower than my civic, etc. He's the kind of kid that's actually kind of intelligent but is all gear-head and no common sense.
So I jokingly challenged him to this race. I didn't realize he would take it as seriously as it did (I knew it would fuck with him, but I didn't expect him to go full out). Well, part of his driving path was through a construction zone (repaving and the like) and apparently he didn't think it was a good idea to slow down and he hit one of the crewman.
The guy is in critical condition at the hospital, and my work buddy is currently in a holding cell. My boss originally blamed me for challenging the kid, but how could I have known he would take it to that extreme?
I don't think I could feel any shittier about a situation. I know I didn't hit the guy, or make the kid drive like a moron, but I still feel responsible... fuck.
bionomic: Honestly, you are both to blame and you should feel responsible. Your friend was dumb enough to listen to you and he will pay for this for the rest of his life. You know this. If you are coming here to get other redditors to tell you how it is the other guy's fault (which some will), then you need to grow up. This is serious, and the guy may end up dying or even permanently handicapped because of you and your friend. This is not a "fuck you/your dumb" post, it is just the truth. Luckily time will make things better, but you should be ready to be responsible for your actions. You should always remember what happened and make sure to think things through before making another huge mistake. Do get a lawyer.
KapeRaudSquillas: no he shouldnt really feel responsible. yes, it was stupid of him to challenge the guy, but thats it. the guy didnt have to accept, and he sure as shit didnt need to take it nearly as seriously as he seemed to.
you should probably apologise to your colleague and boss for being childish and challenging him to a race in the first place, but thats it as far as im concerned. it wasnt you that hit the guy, and by the sounds of things your boy racer colleague very well could have gotten into a situation like this all by himself eventually regardless.
oh, and yeah, get a lawyer yourself. just incase.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1404931769 | 1404946336 | t3_2a9g7m | t5_2to41 | 1,558 | Scumshots: TIFU by not hiding my homemade sex toys (NSFW)
Reading some of the stories on this subreddit reminded me of a memory from about 2 years ago that still makes me cringe.
16 year old me, horny and bored with just my hand, decides it'd be a good idea to gather some supplies and try to make myself a little homemade pocket pussy type contraption.
I clicked on the first "homemade sex toy" link on google and with a roll of toilet paper, a latex glove and a rubber band I made a crude but glorious pocket pussy.
Since this was the most amazing thing ever to me I decided to tell my bestfriend about it who immediately demanded I make him one too. So both of us now have fuckable toilet paper rolls that I'm hiding in my closet.
A couple weeks go by and then one day I come home to see my dad straight faced sitting in my room. I have no idea what's going on so I just ask him "what's up?". He silently points to my open closet door where my two homemade sex toys are clearly sitting on the shelf right in front of the door. Apparently I had forgot to hide it when I had used it an hour or so earlier and my dad went searching deeper in the closet for any more hidden treasures and found the second one too.
At this point I'm so embarassed I don't know what to say. Then he says "Your mom would like an explanation for these."
My next reaction was to grab both of the homemade sex toys and run downstairs to dispose of them, but as I grabbed the one I had used earlier I squeezed the bottom of the rubber glove hanging out and the damn thing **shot** a mixture of lotion and my semen into the air and onto the floor. I then proceed to put my head down and walk downstairs to toss them in the garbage. I barricaded myself in the other room for the rest of the day.
My parents didn't speak very much for the next day or two. The fact that I know my parents will always think back to how their weird son couldn't just use his hand like every one else, but instead had to fuck toilet paper rolls, is probably the most cringeworthy fuckup of my life so far.
Cloudwolf12341: you made one for your friend?
Scumshots: Well I didn't want him using mine thats for sure.
Cloudwolf12341: you should have started selling them to people, could have called yourself "The Pocket Pussy Pimp" and made mad cash
UselessGadget: Probably not a bad gig at a young enough age... if you can accept the label others would give you. Sell it for $5 or something. Costs less than $.10 to make?
Cloudwolf12341: sell it for $20 teenage boys'll go mad for any pussy even if it's made out of toilet roll and latex. Could also sell premium ones with pictures of actual women stuck on them...
UselessGadget: Exactly! I was thinking $5 and make sure it isn't THAT durable. So they'd come back for a few more. If it's too expensive, they'll try to make their own. If you can make a semi-durable one, they'll try it, like it, and then buy new ones...
Edit: I just stepped back to realize I'm actually having a conversation about this... man I'm a weirdo.
Cloudwolf12341: I was thinking you could have some to rent out too and if people don't give em back send the muscle around to beat the shit out of them and take their xbox while they're at it too
UselessGadget: Sex Toy Rental... We may be on to something...
Cloudwolf12341: what could possibly go wrong?
UselessGadget: do NOT forget the Sanitizer.
DrummerBoy2999: Did..did Reddit really just come up with a sex toy company? I think we just made a sex toy company from a Reddit post.
| 12 | 129.833333 | |
1404932275 | 1404938387 | t3_2a9h76 | t5_2to41 | 59 | agills: TIFU by farting
swotam: That's sharting, not farting. It happens, going commando is an acceptable solution provided you don't shart again.
agills: I wish it was merely a shart.
BowChickaWow-Wow: It never is. You can't trust your asshole ever again.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1404912509 | 1404937096 | t3_2a8jd1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving
So this morning I went to a meeting and met an incredibly attractive woman. We talked a bit but nothing came of it. Drove home with a mind full of dirty thoughts and went to the bathroom to jerk off before taking a nap. As I was browsing some of the wonderful nsfw subs on reddit I realized I could use a bit of a shave. I shaved last week with an electric razor just to keep things orderly but some hairs remained on the shaft of my penis which annoys me. So i grabbed the electric razor and started to go about my business when I got distracted by some particularly appealing content and my hand slipped. Theres now a nice 1cm gash on the underside of my dick. Not bleeding horribly but I wont be getting in my pre nap rub and tug.
Tl;dr: Nicked my dick with an electric razor, no fapping today :(
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: So, not a masochist then?
AngryBeaverBrother: Not like this
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1404933399 | 1404953590 | t3_2a9jbj | t5_2to41 | 923 | AllLooseAndFunky: TIFU by accidentally killing a cow with a high powered rifle from almost a mile away.
Okay so, this actually happened a while ago. But I'm new to Reddit and I would have posted right away had I known about Reddit at the time. So here it is. My parents have a house out in the country, and a back deck that at one end stands about 15 feet high. It overlooks a few fields that switch between corn or beans depending on the year. Past the fields sits a cow pasture. I was having some fun shooting a Winchester 30-30 one day and I take a look past the fields at the cows. Now you've got to understand... these cows are so far away. It's hard to make them out. If you didn't already know they were cows, you'd be squinting for a minute trying to guess whats out there. I'm guessing about between 1/2 and 3/4 of a mile away. I think to myself no one could possibly make this shot with a vintage 30-30 with old iron sights. Then in a moment of absolute irresponsibility I point my muzzle at the cow. Raise it up for bullet drop (I completely guess and only know this is a thing because of a show I watched on the history channel) and pulled the trigger. I could barely make out that it had fallen down. I tried to convince myself I couldn't see well enough to know. Or that it must coincidentally just wanted to lie down at the same time as the shot, because its an impossible shot for anyone except a professional. I freak out and go inside trying to forget about it. The next day a sheriff and the farmer come to our door. The farmer has heard me shooting before. That, and from where the cow was, there's a straight clearing to my back deck and no other houses around. I confess and they told me IT WAS SHOT DIRECTLY IN THE ASSHOLE! The worst part (as if I didn't already feel bad enough about the situation) is that it was pregnant. I had to pay for it out of pocket so he didn't press any charges. Every time I tell this story I get asked if I got to keep any of the cow meat. The answer is no. It was dead in the sun the rest of the day and the next morning before it was found. I guess they get bloated and go bad pretty quickly.
So TIFU by shooting a pregnant cow directly in the asshole from more than half a mile away.
EDIT: Okay everyone. I just wanted to add a few more details here. This event took place over 11 years ago when I was 15. It was one of the most irresponsible things I have ever done. But like I stated in a reply to a comment. It was an extremely powerful and effective life lesson. I look at just about everything differently now then when I was a 15 year old kid. Also I work in the audio field. I'm not a gun expert and I shouldn't have described a 30-30 as a high powered rifle. But that being said, this IS a true story. There's a road that runs parallel from my parents house and to the farm. I plan on heading over there after work and using my odometer to get a more accurate distance. Maybe I'll take a picture from their back deck, provided some cows are out in the pasture.
octavesemitone: ban guns
[deleted]: Ban morons like you from the internet.
octavesemitone: >Ban morons like me from the internet. -throwaway90231
ftfy
[deleted]: Why me? I'm not the one making idiotic comments about guns being the problem rather than the irresponsible kid handling it.
octavesemitone: or you're just butthurt
[deleted]: I'm butthurt for what?
octavesemitone: lol good one!
bvkgiu: Could you explain your rationale for wanting to ban guns, or are you just looking for a reaction?
octavesemitone: loking for reaction
bvkgiu: fuk u btich boi il fuk u
*edit
listen here buddy im the top fuckin memer of 2013 if u think u can fake me out youre wrong.
octavesemitone: ok
| 12 | 76.916667 | |
1404934421 | 1405263931 | t3_2a9lce | t5_2to41 | 47 | general_wuertz: TIFU by calling my ex-gf a cunt
A little back story....she was my sister's childhood friend in my old home town & when my sister got married 2 years ago, we re-met each other & started to date. Sigh....we were awesome together. Became best friends and lovers. Talked about the future, getting married, having kids....
Sure, as with relationships there'll be some ups and downs. I'm a guy so as per usual. i fuck up. I once sent put a yoga video on a pen drive so that we could workout together and she thought that i gave it to her so that she can work on her body. dumb on my part i know..(not the big fuck up though)
With our time together, i started to notice some weird quirks but i was willing to get over it or work it thru. (I'm in love and would work everything out with this girl). She'd fight about petty things like me not calling. Couple of our fights dealt with me not caring enough. But (we live long distance-y - about 90min away) I would always, always, ALWAYS, gladly and happily drive all the way to see her. I tried to do all the things you would do for someone you truly are in love with and then some!...so it gets frustrating when you hear that you're not doing enough for the relationship or that you don't care enough.
Fast forward to May '14. About a week short of my birthday. At this time we had a trip to London planned for my cousins wedding. I also planned a trip to Paris while we were there so that i can propose....We are in my car and get in the same argument of me not caring enough, not doing enough.........i snapped. i start babbling, yelling, shouting that "waaahh, i dont care about you!" over and over again as i start punching my ceiling of my car. it felt a little like an out of body experience and i kinda went crazy in my car :(. (not the fuck up yet).
We stopped talking for a couple of days and its now closer to my birthday. I feel horrible for having that episode and left messages saying that it wont happen again. told why it happened and said that i was frustrated. She didn't believe me and did not accept my apology. She also brought up the whole yoga thing which she never forgave. She brought up things i didnt even know i did. Get this, she said that i had the tv on the spanish channel and said i was oggling the girls on it. (honestly dont remember that at all and i'd never do that anyways) She starts calling me names. Calling me a pervert and that i can't raise a family, i dont deserve kids. a lot of hurtful just angry stuff and Boom! Breaks up with me. Tears flowing. Heart broken.
..............
I get a phone call from her apologizing for getting angry at me and saying that we should still hang out on my birthday and go to Disneyland. (i fucked up by going but still not the fuck up) I'm a kid at heart & that's one of the reasons we fell in love with each other. we brought that out of each other. It was very awkward. She kept saying that we should only remain as friends and that there was no chance, no hope for us. (Ouch, my heart)....we tried to enjoy the rest of the day and for what its worth, we did have a fun time. There's a bar at Downtown Disney and we proceeded to get drunk. One thing led to another and we sleep (hehe) in my car (our usual place we did it in).<--(Hind sight, maybe a fuck up but not the fuck up) At this point we're still not together but ended my birthday on a good-somewhat-friendly-maybe-a-little-bit-of-hope note.
................
We talked off and on until my trip to Europe. Me trying to get back together with her but she still had the same issues. I still had to go with family because it was for a wedding. Remember, she was supposed to go and i was going to surprise her with a proposal in Paris. Being there alone, thinking of what could have been was too overwhelming. To help me forget, my cousins and his mates took me out for a night to get belligerently drunk. (not the fuck up yet but i did fuck up the toilet the next morning) I've never been that drunk in my whole life....
The next morning, er early afternoon, i'm still thinking about this girl and how i can get back together with her. I look at my phone and go to the app where we've been messaging each other. I was so drunk, so hurt by her that i said that "i would gladly never talk to you again you cunt. i felt more like your bitch than your boyfriend..."
So i went from proposing to calling my ex a cunt. <---the fuck up!
Update to present day: She has blocked me from her phone, social networks, the whole nine. I AM sorry for calling her that. I'm just a jilted ex lover and my heart's broken. No excuse though. I just needed to man up and not be an asshole.
Update....Dammit i miss her..
metaltrite: She was a cunt.
Gnomember: >She ~~was~~ *is* a cunt.
Ftfy
metaltrite: Well I don't know the cunt. She might be on medication now.
Samtoast: Definitely a Cunt.
Source: I know cunts.
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1404936732 | 1405020646 | t3_2a9psi | t5_2to41 | 30 | bcatsk: TIFU by getting jalapeño up my butthole
After waiting a few months, my jalapeño plant was finally ready to be picked.
I'm picking these spicy sons of bitches off the tree when I see an old wrinkly one in the back. Curious me decided to pick it open and take a look inside. Yup. Just a typical jalapeño. Nothing too exciting. Toss it out.
I go inside to take a nice hot shower. As the water's heating my butthole gets one of those damn itches that CANNOT be ignored. So it itch it. And man do I have to really get in there. Holy hell.
My butt finally stops throwing a tantrum, I wash butt residue off my hands, and peacefully wait for my shower...and then the burning.
It felt like Human Torch done did me in the butt! I jumped in the shower and tried to scrub it out to no avail. I dried off and tried everything I could think of but could not get rid of the pepper's presence.
I cried myself to sleep with an old icepack clenched between my butt cheeks.
TL;DR: never get jalapeño up your anus
shady-pines-ma: Gettin' *jalapeño* your butthole.
JL_617: You saw this glorious opportunity and ran with it. Bravo Sir.
shady-pines-ma: Why, thank you! Except, I'm a ma'am! Am I still cool?!
JL_617: Oh but if course you are!
shady-pines-ma: http://imgur.com/gallery/9RhCWsL
| 6 | 5 | |
1404935071 | 1405067034 | t3_2a9mky | t5_2to41 | 596 | [deleted]: TIFU by sexting/sending nudes to my boyfriend on Facebook
Okay, worst experience ever. I'm still cringing with embarrassment. This was yesterday but the continuation happened today...
So I'm in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend's internet has been out for a couple weeks now. He doesn't have a cellphone at the moment so he's been using his mom's to talk to me on Facebook. He's usually on his mom's Facebook account.
One night, we were talking and the conversation turned a little sexual. I took some pics of my pussy and tits and sent them to him, on his Facebook account, and told him to go check. He sent me pics in return. It's been two weeks since he hasn't had internet, like I mentioned, so we've had a few of these heated discussions. After a while, I just started sending the pictures to his mom's Facebook account (he clears the chat before he gives back the phone).
Anyway, his little sister (6 years old) was using the phone yesterday and apparently every single picture I sent on his mom's account opened up in a tab on the browser. She got scared, told my boyfriend's mom, and she had to explain to her six year old what it was. She messaged me on Facebook and told me that she would appreciate a kid-friendly phone and no more porn on her phone or Facebook account.
So my boyfriend's mom told him today that her phone uploads pictures that are taken onto Google Plus. I think she had an idea that my boyfriend also sent pictures. Anyway, he went on her Google Plus account, which has almost 2000 followers, and all the pictures of him, his dick, and a picture that he took jokingly of duckface were up on there for a few days.
CoBullet: And... this is why everyone uses Snapchat
SuggestiveMaterial: And this is exactly why i do not allow my kids to use snapchat.
Tim337: They're gonna find a way.
SuggestiveMaterial: Nope. Hubby is in the tech industry. Phone is not only monitored 24/7 with programming but apps are blocked completely.
Tim337: I see. If you don't mind my asking, how old are your kids?
SuggestiveMaterial: 15, 12, and 10. Then a 6 month old. Yes I know they'll find a way, but ill be dampened if they are going to do it using the devices I pay for.
| 7 | 85.142857 | |
1404938731 | 1405004736 | t3_2a9t8z | t5_2to41 | 175 | GeekSnozzle: TIFU by telling a white Scottish man that he doesn't look like a terrorist
I was working front desk in a hotel, and 3 Scottish men came to check in. When I asked for ID, they each handed me their passport. The third one looked different in his passport photo -- he'd grown out his hair and dyed it a different color since the photo was taken -- so I spent longer looking at his photo than the others.
His friends started ribbing him, saying that he looked like a terrorist (they were all white). I wanted to reassure him that I thought no such thing, but my brain-to-mouth filter disconnected, and I blurted out, "Sir, that's not it. It's because you look like a lesbian in your photo."
I turned bright red, and hanging my head, I said, "I understand if you get me fired."
His friends, literally doubled over in laughter, responded, "Get you fired?! We should get you promoted for that!"
MissMalynn: Terroristic lesbians. Wtg Scots.
GeekSnozzle: Everyone knows that Scots aren't terrorists - they kick burning terrorists in the balls, and shit in chimneys.
Source: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RNAQXl7UVv8/T8d3jNTAhpI/AAAAAAAACx4/BX2Ga6MosSg/s1600/I-kicked-burning-terrorist-so-hard-in-balls.png
Source: http://beforeitsnews.com/contributor/upload/30080/images/shat.jpeg
SocraticMethHead: It looks weird not saying "me foot."
GeekSnozzle: He's Glaswegian. If they'd actually written it as he said it, no one else would have understood the headline! ;)
| 5 | 35 | |
1404940003 | 1404967463 | t3_2a9vea | t5_2to41 | 6 | losredesnosonaqui: TIFU by eating peanut butter and cheese sandwiches for a week
This started last week but still feeling effects. So bills hit me hard last pay day and I get paid no weekly so last week I was broke and ran out of food. Normally I can live off sandwiches, but I ran out of meats to make them with. Well I did have peanut butter and cheese slices left, so i thought, "hey, close enough" and survived on sandwiches of those ingredients. By Friday I realize something is wrong: I'm constantly having to hit bathroom, but can barely do anything. Trying natural remedies but is slow going. Hurray constipation.
Tl;dr: ate too much peanut butter and cheese, now I'm super constipated.
MissMalynn: Sounds more like 'all week I effed up'. Today, you're just paying the price.
TwoDimensional: AWIEU
| 3 | 2 | |
1404941356 | 1405030573 | t3_2a9xqb | t5_2to41 | 3 | StrawberryGAME: TIFU by taking two sleeping pills before live-streaming a game
**TL;DR Walked in on my boyfriend's shower and pissed all over the floor, then accidentally streamed myself naked**
My boyfriend and I love to watch Lets Plays or live streams of people playing video games, and it just so happens that my boyfriends computer is pretty well set up for streaming. Recently I had become interested in the possibility of streaming myself, since I enjoy watching others so much and couldn't find too many girls that weren't focused on showing a lot of cleavage. So last night I took the plunge while my boyfriend was gone and streamed myself playing Cube World. While I only got one viewer (I didn't actually think anyone would watch) I enjoyed it immensely! It felt so exhilarating and fulfilling to actually be talking to someone else while I play.
So boyfriend came home and I hurriedly closed out everything in hopes he wouldn't see. He asked me if I was and I denied it. It wasn't that I really had anything to hide like being naked on camera, I was just embarrassed that I was doing something that showed any confidence. I thought he might think that I thought I was hot shit.
A little later I admitted it anyways and told him how happy I was that at least one person watched. So fast forward a few hours and I'm feeling pretty down about other things. He can tell and asks me into the shower with him. I say no because I still have my makeup and it makes me feel a little better. I go and pop two of my sleeping pills because it's late and I don't wanna be conscious anymore. He's getting ready to shower and I say something about the streaming again. He tells me I shouldn't worry about what he thinks and to just do it. I get excited and say "Yes! I'm gonna do it!" He attempts to talk me out of it because its late. I beg him just to while he's showering. He agrees and heads in there.
I remember actually streaming for a few minutes, but beyond that I don't remember a thing.
I asked him this morning what happened and he explained that I came into the bathroom while he was showering, pissed all over the floor, made him clean it up because I was too out of it, showered for a second, and then went back into the room.
I went back and checked my footage and sure enough I come stumbling into the room naked trying to find some clothes- apparently completely unaware of the camera. He had to come in to turn off the camera.
Now he's not very happy and I feel terrible because I was naked on the internet.
Bnlol1: Why would your boyfriend care if you livestreamed? You shouldn't have to ask him.
StrawberryGAME: It's his computer. I just know not to use his stuff without asking
Kraig-meister: Why? When I'm in a relationship what's mine is yours. If you wanna live stream on my computer fucking go for it. Kinda interesting you feel that you have to ask him and feel you can't touch his things.
StrawberryGAME: Yeah, you're probably right. He's pretty overprotective of his things anyways
discordkitty: It's a respect thing too I think. Even though I've been with my bf for 7-8 years, there's times I still ask to use something. I think part of it is also being in customer service, my politeness can be annoying ;p He's forever giving me shit like "Why are you asking? Just do it." or "I don't care what you want to use/do/whatever". Sometimes I feel like I don't even consciously do it ;p
| 6 | 0.5 | |
1404941458 | 1405017449 | t3_2a9xwl | t5_2to41 | 1,997 | mankstar: TIFU by farting in a child's face
I was at chipotle getting lunch when this little kid was being an absolute devil. Running around and grabbing people's phones out of their hands, yelling and hitting random people.
I remembered a post on Reddit where a guy said he experienced something similar and silent farted in the kid's face to teach him a lesson and because of the height difference. I decided to attempt the same thing and it was not a silent fart.
Unfortunately you could hear it slappin' out... Kid starts crying and I get death glares from the mom and other people in line. I frequent this Chipotle often because it's close to my work and the register guy who knows me just shook his head and said "that's fucked up man".
PRO TIP: don't fart in kid's faces because you saw it on Reddit.
I don't think I should go back there for at least a month :(
Edit: this is the story I was emulating:: [One of the funniest stories told on askreddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/fn5gr/reddit_what_is_your_silent_unseen_act_of_personal/c1hdgwv)
ExtropianAtheist: Fuck that, you sir are a hero! You should eat there free for life. This is an atrocity!
mankstar: A couple years ago I worked in a different area and this girl that worked there really liked me so I used to get 50% off of all my food.
Friendzoned her for diet cheap lunches.. I feel bad about it now but what was a broke college guy supposed to do
ExtropianAtheist: You should have done exactly what you did. Plus had sex with her.
mankstar: Put my barbacoa burrito in her soft taco?
koobaxion: No, farted in her face
TheAlmightyFur: Why not both?
demon_stare7: Whynotboth.jpg?
nemisis714: Why not Zoidberg?
demon_stare7: Because I dont know if that's a valid jpg.
Whynotzoidberg.jpg
Zoidberg.jpg
We will see.
| 10 | 199.7 | |
1404941524 | 1404944348 | t3_2a9y03 | t5_2to41 | 31 | Emma-Leigh: TIFU by changing things up
We're fucking. I (vagina) am on the bottom. I try to change positions. Swift knee to the balls. No more fucking.
Sallyrockswroxy: i think i woulda still gone for it after a bit of rubbing
Emma-Leigh: He did, but he kept my legs firmly on his shoulders to be safe
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1404945522 | 1404947397 | t3_2aa4k4 | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying my daughters t-shirts
I have two daughters who are the light of my life. They're both gorgeous in different ways. One is blonde and tiny. The other is brunette, tall, and curvy. (I call them Snow White and Rose Red after the old story.).
I decided to buy them the same t-shirt, but in different sizes because, well, they're different sizes. They both thanked me and I thought nothing of it .... until the following day when "Rose" was obviously sad about something, When I asked her why, she said quietly "The difference in t-shirt sizes really made me feel bad."
I'm broken-hearted. I never meant to hurt her. She is so beautiful, but she doesn't believe me. :(
Ecoste: M-m-maybe you could give us some pics. You know, so we can judge and make her feel better.
thekeemoman: Dude...
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1404947108 | 1405023835 | t3_2aa74t | t5_2to41 | 412 | I_armed_the_potato: TIFU by shoving cherries up my ass.
So, I'm a guy on the kinky side, and I've usually gotten a finger or two involved with my ass while I'm masturbating. So, today, I have the apartment all to myself, and I'm having a nice wank when I ~~notice~~ remember a bag of cherries in the fridge. One thing leads to another, and I make a "brilliant" idea.
An uncounted amount of cherries later, two (maybe? Idk) burst inside me. That's when I realized how much cherry juice can burn inside you, and I start screaming and yelling and whatnot. I calm down, sit down on the toiled and pooped out ***18 fucking cherries***, but the burning has yet to subside. Already, I've had diarrhea twice just from the irritation of the burning. Sweet angel of death, take me now. On the other hand, the prostate stimulation made the orgasm amazing. Next time, maybe marbles won't burn the shit out of my colon
^^^^^that ^^^^^was ^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^terrible ^^^^^^^pun
**TL;DR** Cherries burn your anus.
EDIT: I just shat out 6 more
EDIT2: A word, courtesy of /u/sedativ3 .
EDIT3: My landlord just informed me my next door neighbor filed a noise complaint.
[deleted]: TIL. Thanks! You took one (or 18) for the team.
arudnoh: 24? The edit confuses me...
I_armed_the_potato: Yup. Think that's all. My butt is a bit stretched, don't be surprised.
YCYC: But how long did it take before the cherries rebelled as you kept at it? I mean 18 or 24 is more than a handful and would take time ... and perseverance.
I_armed_the_potato: I wasn't counting, but there was surprisingly little resistance.
YCYC: Specifically how long did it take before the incursion and the burn. More than the time it took to shove them in ok. But 18 to 24?
| 7 | 58.857143 | |
1404947244 | 1405001579 | t3_2aa7cv | t5_2to41 | 69 | MrOxfordComma: TIFU by lending my tree house to an alcoholic
My family owns a little house in the countryside. This place is pretty nice and calm and we spend almost every weekend there.
In front of our house lives an old couple of farmers. They own a nice house with chickens, some goats and two cows. They earn a living from their animals and the vegetables they plant, however, money gets short sometimes. So, my father offered the old farmer a job at our place. He mows the lawn, takes care of our animals, and watches the house when we aren't there.
This guy is also the biggest drinker you could imagine. He has been drinking since he was 12 and goes every day to the town's bar. He has gone so many times to the bar (45 min away), that his horse has fully memorised the way from the bar to his house. Sometimes when he passes out in the bar, his friends just throw him over Flash (how his horse is called) and the horse alone finds the way home with his unconscious owner on his back.
Also, his wife really hates when he drinks. Sometimes when he is really drunk she doesn't let him sleep inside the house and he has to sleep outside. Luckily this is in Colombia and we have summer time every day of the year. One day I walked by his house and saw him sleeping in the chicken stall. After I laughed my ass off (I couldn't help it), I told him that the next time he could sleep in my tree house. My father built it for me when I was little and has been kinda abandoned for years.
I fucked up. The guy came really drunk last night and broke his leg while trying to climb the ladder. I feel so guilty right now. At least he won't be riding to the bar anytime soon...
TL;DR tried to help out an old alcoholic friend by giving him a place to pass out; drunk friend injured himself instead.
MorbidandCreepifying: I hope he doesn't consider you liable.
Your property, your permission...
Even the nicest people can become assholes at the chance of $$.
MrOxfordComma: No... I have known him all my life. Besides, there is no much to steal there anyway.
MorbidandCreepifying: That's good. I was referring to suing, either he might or the wife might because she is going to be more miserable.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1404948014 | 1404958047 | t3_2aa8mq | t5_2to41 | 40 | HouseBoat0469: TIFU by shaking to hard
Earlier today before I got my hour off for lunch I got this unbearable urge to have some pancakes. I am in the Army so my room is upstairs in the same building I work in so it wasn't a big deal to go up and whip up some well deserved pancakes. I am not talented enough to make them from scratch so I had the kind that you just add water to and shake, and that is were it went wrong. I heated up my hot plate then went and filled up the container with water, and began the task of shaking it up. For some unknown reason to me I decided I needed to shake this bottle with the equivalent of an 8.0 earthquake and then it happened. The bottle decided it had enough of being contained and erupted like Mount Tambora, and spewed the pancake mix everywhere. So here I am covered, along with my fridge, computer desk, shoes, clothes and everything else laying on the floor. So my hour long lunch was spent mainly cleaning and I didn't even get to have a pancake in the end.
tl;dr wanted to eat pancakes for lunch ended up erupting mount pancake mix.
Ahahaha__10: I have never, ever heard of a pancake mix you had to shake. Are you certain you're not doing it wrong?
Houseboat95: I am positive, its just the mix in a bottle and you add water to a line and then shake up for pretty good pancakes
Ahahaha__10: In a bottle? I'm very curious...
silentrunningbear: Really? Its super common here in Aus. [This is what they look like] (http://greensbaking.com.au/products/pancakes-toppings/)
Ahahaha__10: Good lord, I never knew I wanted this until now!
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1404948299 | 1405040354 | t3_2aa92x | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a naive guy in love.
Wasn't today but whatever, okay so some back story: I started dating the girl of my dreams (or so I thought) when I was a sophomore in high school and I loved her with all of my heart. She loved me the same(or so I thought) we were together up until April of this year. She told me we needed to take a break. The reasons being " I depend on you too much for happiness and I don't take time for myself because I would rather be with you." So we take this month break she wanted and during that month (this is where I fucked up) I wanted her to take time for herself so I bought her some stuff she liked such as some books and painting stuff (spent about a hundred dollars. At 18 that feels like a fucking lot. Making minimum wage and what not.) So I take that stuff to her house and leave it while she is at work so I'm not crowding her space. End of the month she doesn't want to get back together and I am devastated. A week or so later I find out she cheated on me with some guy from a club she is in and started dating this guy. So i fucked up and gave presents to my ex girlfriend for cheating on me and leaving me. Stupid naive me. Also having to call and cancel all of the reservations I made for our anniversary sucked balls.
TL;DR: gf dumped me for a guy she cheated on me with and left me and I bought her presents for it because she said she wanted time for herself and "There is no one else hun I'm doing this for us so we can be stronger" fucking bitch.
Itsbrown4606: I'm sorry, but you went full on Betamax. Hopefully you've learned from this and it'll make you a better person down the road. Consider it a $100 life lesson.
Kraig-meister: Yeah. Went beta so hard. I learned from it. I also think it'll make her realize she fucked up too. Maybe I'll see a TIFU by leaving the best betamax ever :P but anyways I definitely learned from it.
coffee_34: What is a Betamax?
Kraig-meister: You know people say alpha and beta? Like alpha is good with girls and beta not so much lol so beta max is like really bad with women. Not achieving alpha male status
Viklove: Wut
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1404950723 | 1404982799 | t3_2aacx8 | t5_2to41 | 81 | bloodyfengas: TIFU by smoking too much and losing a tampon in my vagina.
Last night, actually, but whatever.
So I was at my friend's house with like 7 or 8 of our other friends and they were all pretty high already. I don't usually smoke with them because sometimes when I do I have panic attacks, so I just avoid it all together because it's not really worth the chance. After about an hour though I got kind of jealous of how pumped they were over pizza so I figured I'd go ahead and smoke too. Seeing as I don't smoke very often though, I got really high really fast.
I marched back to the living room, (yes, marched, I thought i was a fucking robot and my legs only bent at right angles.) got some pizza and sat on the couch. We just kinda chilled for a while and played with my friend's new puppy and it was a grand old time. Then I remembered that I was on my period and that I should probably do something about it before my underwear get ruined.
I march my way to the bathroom and everything's going great. As I'm putting the new tampon in I remember thinking something like "okay, I can do this. my hand don't work but i can do this. i just gotta get it in there enough so it won't fall back out" so i got it way up in there. It was like I was hiding treasure or something, I don't fucking know.
But then I realized there was no little string dangling down. So I stuck my finger up there and dug around a little and still couldn't find it. This is when I started freaking out and wonder if I even put the tampon in. So I checked the trash and the applicator's there. And I looked around the toilet to make sure I hadn't dropped it. And then I thought, "shit, I can't go to the doctor because I'm so fucking high that I lost a tampon in my vagina. I have to find this thing."
So I went on a treasure hunt for my own buried treasure which was actually a goddamn tampon and not even close to treasure. But at this point I'm freaking out so bad that my hands and legs are shaking to the and they're completely useless. I kept on digging down there but realized that my thumb was to short and tried some different fingers. After who knows how long and 10 different fingers I finally found it and got it out. But every one of my fingers had a decent amount of blood on them, and I have long nails, so they were caked with blood.
I spent a while scrubbing the blood off of my hands and trying to get it out from under my nails and then finally went back out to the living room to see that a couple of my friends had fallen asleep. I have no idea how long I was in the bathroom. I just laid down and joined them.
I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that after that ordeal I forgot to put another tampon in and ruined those underwear I was trying to protect anyway. And I still had blood under my nails. 2/10 would not recommend.
desolatexelevation: So you fingered yourself, no biggie at least you weren't the girl to get a dildo stuck in her ass.
bloodyfengas: Thank sweet baby jesus I'm not. I've never read that though. Link please?
desolatexelevation: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9c5_1383319265&comments=1
Watch with caution haha
try-catch-fail: You sir, deserve gold.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1404950887 | 1404992010 | t3_2aad6p | t5_2to41 | 79 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting my wife in the face with my dick. NSFW
The wife and I were getting intimate this morning and I was feeling a bit goofy, as well. As a joke, sometimes I will do the "car antenna" where I will turn sideways and pull my erection to the side so that when I let go and swing my hips around it will swing back and forth back to center quickly like... Well, a car antenna.
So, she and I are fooling around, I'm standing next to the bed, crouched down and kissing her body. I stand up for a moment and say "Sorry, I don't know why I wanna do this..." and wind up for the car antenna, putting a little extra swing in it. I let it fly and... *crack*!
My wife was thinking that I had meant I wanted oral when I said "I don't know why I wanna do this" and had sat up and leaned in to do it. It hurt me a lot, but immediately she starting sneezing and screaming crying so I didn't have much time to whine. I had broken her nose. I then had to drive her to the emergency room, while she's yelling at me, crying, "What the hell is wrong with you?!", "God, you're such a fuckup, sometimes", "What, are you 12?!", and so on.
To make matters worse, we had failed to get our stories straight to explain to people why she had a broken nose, missed work, why mommy has something on her face and two black eyes, etc. This evening her sister showed up unexpected, wanting to speak to her privately. She asked my wife if I had beat her. When my wife told her the real story, she initially was skeptical, and even after entertaining that it was possible, she asked, "Are you sure it wasn't an accident?" (Worth mentioning that my wife competed in Taekwondo through college age, so any domestic abuse would end very badly for me, but whatever...) I guess, some people in the social circle have been talking, as well, but I don't think she is comfortable telling friends/family (aside from her sister) the truth. I know I'm not.
So yeah. Looks like the futon in the study is calling my name for the next few months...
dualshock7: Broken nose and two black eyes. Sir what kind of dick do you have?
watchudoing: A broken nose can often lead to black eyes...
Source: I broke my nose and
http://www.entnet.org/content/nasal-fractures
imaybeajenius: I still question how he was able to break her nose with just his dick. Unless he's massive down there, I hardly think that blood vessel, skin, and other various tissues would do that much damage to bone/cartilage
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1404950834 | 1404952039 | t3_2aad3g | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating with my Ex's scented lotion.
The familiar scent and lack of sexy times made for one sad 30 seconds.
Didgaridildo: Yeah, I was expecting this big story about how your current SO recognized the sent on your junk just before sexy times then got really upset and kick you in the dick...or something like that
jibroni_balogna: basically, what we are saying, is youre pathetic
| 3 | 2 | |
1404947717 | 1404985963 | t3_2aa85e | t5_2to41 | 11 | handcuffsharam: TIFU by being kinky in the Middle East.
So I managed to get into an Arabic language program in Jordan and I was stoked for some LIFE EXPERIENCE and this kind of LIFE EXPERIENCE required more than just clothes. I decided to bring my sentiment box for, duh, sentimental things like ticket stubs, the first album I ever bought, an ex’s necklace, things like that. I figured it would be nice to have for the inevitable homesickness. A few days later I’m standing in the Amman airport listening to the muezzin, extremely bleary from the wine and Xanax I had taken to make the flight bearable, shuffling with the rest of my group towards the baggage scanners.
I don’t know if anybody told you, but there are some security concerns in the Middle East from time to time, so bags get scanned on their way out of the airport as well as on the way in. No matter, I’m a law abiding not even remotely terroristic upstanding member of society who recycles and whatever. I plunk the suitcase down on the dirty folding table next to the scanner, walk through a metal detector, and turn around to collect my bag.
Except the previously friendly security guards were now looking quite stern and rifling through my bag, and they’re digging for something, and they’re pulling something out. It’s the sentiment box, which I should mention has this picture on the top. The guard opens the box, and pulls out a fucking pair of fucking handcuffs (as in they were used for fucking) that I had tossed into the box weeks earlier in what was supposed to be a *temporary* storage arrangement for them, and had then forgotten about them. The guard holds them WAY UP HIGH so all of my new colleagues can see, then POINTS at me (just in case anybody missed it) and says something in Arabic. Then two soldiers come and some guy in a leather jacket and jeans who speaks perfect English strides up and motions me into a back room. Mind you this is happening in front of a group of people who I have just met, who I will have to live with for the next five and half months, who all now have to WAIT for me to sort this out.
The leather jacket guy turned out to be an intelligence agent, and he turned out to be pretty cool. He immediately figured out that I was way to un-smooth to be considered any sort of a threat. He let me go after ten minutes (didn't get the cuffs back), which allowed me to get into the bus with the rest of my classmates, who were about to leave without me. I sat in the back corner, did NOT introduce myself, and pretended to sleep for the entire five-hour ride to where we were staying.
TR;DR A combination of kinkiness and forgetfulness resulted in me getting interrogated by a Jordanian intelligence agent and almost abandoned at the Amman airport.
Typhoongalaxy4: What part of Jordan are you in?.....I'm in Amman for the next two months
ZealotOnPc: Smooth.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1404952774 | 1404987816 | t3_2aag2y | t5_2to41 | 48 | moar_powah: TIFU by talking to an angry Muslim during Ramadan about being an atheist.
I am currently working as a contractor on a project for a month in Bellevue WA, and I love the diversity there. It's kind of like Washington's melting pot from Korea, India, China, the Middle East and more, all in one city. Truly a beautiful thing.
Now Muhammad is otherwise a decent guy. He typically stays out of the way, does his job and goes back to his family which he never talks about.
Anyway, that was before Ramadan.
Now he's fasting and dishing out passive aggressive comments left and right. Nothing too bad at first, but it continues to escalate to the point where he says shit like "Islam is the most beautiful religion" and "Did you know the Quran knew about 'blah blah' long before science found out?"
I usually respond with "oh, neat!" and I try to move the subject to something else ASAP.
But today I fucked up by getting it into him after he instigated me with this..
Muhammad "Why aren't you Muslim moar_powah? You're Palestinian, no?"
moar_powah "Yes, I was born Palestinian. But both my parents were Christian and now I am an atheist".
Muhammad "oh, that's not good. How do you believe in no god?"
Reddit, I was furious at this point. Should of walked away.. but fuck it. This is a contract job (my buddy is the owner and we do IT work) and I'm only there for a few more days.
moar_powah "how come?"
Muhammad "Because God is necessary. Islam is a beautiful, peaceful, yada yada" (he went on for like 5 minutes praising Allah).
moar_powah "From what I've seen about Muslims, I'd say the opposite is true"
Muhammad "Excuse me? You call me liar?"
moar_powah "Ok, perhaps you're misinformed. But Islam is very violent from what I have witnessed in my life. I lived in Palestine for over 13 years and the best Muslims I've met aren't really Muslim"
He blew up. Face was red, shouting...
Muhammad "You're horrible for blaming a religion as a whole to be based of the actions of the few. Islam isn't the problem. It's psychotic, extremist, politics. No where in the Quran does it justify killing, only in the form of self defense".
moar_powah "Quran has many examples that encourage Muslims to to kill non-believers when it has to do with conquering or self defense. What's not clear is what exactly designates when it's time to kill in self defense to protect Islam. When religious extremist provide examples of modern establishments violating Islamic law to uneducated, troubled communities (half of earth), then it's very easy to get those uneducated people to agree with you and kill non-believers under self-defense. This is done through the indoctrination of its religion. Muslims are deeply ingrained to devalue other faiths and when people of other faiths are dehumanized, it makes it easier for your religion to slice throats of your 'enemy' and upload it on youtube like its no big deal"
Muhammad "You are a real piece of shit. You don't know anything about Islam. That is politics and extremist"
moar_powah "If Mormons walked up to your door and asked you to join them in a religious war, you'd laugh at them and slam the door. Just like you told us earlier when Mormons visited you. And you're only Muslim because your parents are your parents' parents were. Had you been born in Utah, you'd be the guy knocking on the door. Had you been born in North Korea, you'd be worshiping Kim Jung Un".
That was about it. He stormed off and I went home and had a few beers to get my mind off of it. I thought about it more and thought I should post it on here. I could of handled it better, but fuck it. I've traveled a lot and half the population of earth is unfortunately very uneducated and very gullible. Religion exploits this problem.. which is why education is so goddamn important.
TL;DR TIFU by telling a Muslim I'm atheist. He said I am wrong and Islam is peaceful and necessary. I said his religion gets uneducated people to kill through Islam.
mangage: I'm an atheist, but from the very normal muslim friends I've had, I can tell you your co-worker is closer to correct about his religion than you are. You directly insulted him at a personal level with your ignorance and unwillingness to hear another side, how did you expect him to respond?
You're also a hypocrite for pushing your non-religion on him by telling him he's horrible for pushing a pro-religion agenda. Maybe you should refer to yourself as anti-religion instead of as an atheist. You make everyone else look like a douche too.
pez_dispens3r: To be fair to the OP, it sounds like his beliefs were being trivialized at the time and it's difficult to not take it personally in those circumstances.
667dustin: Bit he also trivialized OP's believes.
pez_dispens3r: wut?
garden_peeman: His believes, man.
| 6 | 8 | |
1404947543 | 1404956735 | t3_2aa7v9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | katushkin: TIFU by not reading
So it's my SO's graduation on Thursday, and we had left it to the last minute to book a hotel. My SO has no money so she needed me to book it. So she sent me the link to the hotel's page on LateRooms through Whatsapp. I was at work at the time, and we were pretty swamped at the time, but I really wanted to get a load of stuff out of the way before the Brazil vs Germany game came on.
So with a guy on the phone, a remote connection to his computer open, the buildup to the game on, and the link open on my phone, I clicked the link which brought up a load of room options, and I booked one. Put in my credit card details, hit confirm, and confirm again. Email through, done. After finishing my stuff at work, I sat back and watched the game. What a game.
Now this morning, i went to see my SO, and said I had booked the hotel. i went onto the email to show her, and... "Check In Date: 08/07/14"
Shit.
The link she had sent me had a 10 in it. That was my defence. I thought she had sent me the rooms for Thursday, and had neglected to read the "Read Thoroughly" page before confirming my booking. I tried to call the hotel, but my money was gone. I had booked it at 20:45, and final check in was 23:00. I thought I had a chance of clawing something back, but no.
What's more, I had opted to surprise her by upgrading our room to suite. So rather than the £120 for one night my SO had proposed, I had opted for the room that was £310 a night. Twice. At least I managed to get a room eventually.
TL;DR - Went to book an upgraded hotel room as a surprise, didn't double check dates and had to book it twice.
mercury996: http://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/17h91p/lpt_how_to_cancel_hotel_rooms_wo_the_charge/
katushkin: My problem was that I booked the room on Tuesday night, for Tuesday night, and realised my mistake Wednesday afternoon.
mercury996: What a bummer, thats a bit of money down the tube.
Sorry for your misfortune.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1404951821 | 1405020713 | t3_2aaenc | t5_2to41 | 4 | Cell-i-Zenit: TIFU by hiding "spacebrownies" under my bed
It was silvester and i was ~ 16 years old. My friends decided do bake some some stuff with weed. Its important to know that it was our first contact with weed every. We got all the informations in the internet and a friend of mine knew a dealer. So we "investigated" 60€ in weed (i would say the whole thing was ~30€ worth it, but we where young...). but yea fuck we had no eggs, meal, etc so everyone walked home and we collected everything. Around ~11:30PM we started with baking @ my home. My mom wasnt at home so it was ok. We cut the weed into small pieces, heated some butter up, put it in, and then use this as a normal "butter" (i dont know the real recipe but it doesnt matter).
But then the first fail: we had no baking pan. So we had this papers for the muffin but the pastry was way to liquid. Then we decided to do instead a cake, put the pastry out of the paper and just use a normal plate. After the "cake" (it looked so crappy) was finished we started to try small pieces. We didnt know how "strong" our cake would be so we thought its a good idea.
~ 3 Hours later after some "party" with fireworks we tried more, because the weed didnt work. But it didnt worked too. So we thought "fuck it we try it tomorrow everyone will get a small piece in a box and we just hide it and try it out in the night. I was like "where is the best place to hide it? Ah yes it has to be under my bed...". I put it under the bed and went sleeping. My Mom came home, everything went perfectly. But then i was going to shower and said to my mom "mom alot of people where in my bed can you change the textiles of my bed? "yes ofc i will do it". I was about to shower and i heared this sound of opening a box...
...
i was like "oh fuck iam fucked iam fucked oh god noes ohhh noes". My mom screamed so hard "come here!! IS THIS A HAZEBROWNIE".
The "talking" after this was like the most awkward thing ever.
The story is telled by ALL of my friends. Everyday haha. When i meet new people sometimes i hear sth like this "oh you are the guy who hides hazebrownies under your bed" ...
EDIT: failed with my age :P
monimoo: "we got all the informations in the internet" - read in a devious russian accent to distract from grammar xD
SocraticMethHead: Textiles
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404955774 | 1405054735 | t3_2aakph | t5_2to41 | 1,691 | [deleted]: TIFU by spanking stranger with pool noodle.
So you know you've officially fucked up when a kid yells stranger danger and is pointing at you. I didn't think kids actually knew that saying. I just assumed it was a funny saying we in Generation Y picked up on South Park or something.
Well, today I was at Walmart. I was there just to pick up a pool noodle. I'm single and childfree, so this didn't help the situation. I needed a cheap foam bumper for a work project.
So I go to the pool section and pick out a bright pink [pool noodle.](http://www.amazon.com/Noodle-Style-Color-Exact-Dimensions/dp/B0029XD0CG). The damn thing is about 4 feet long and perfect for my project.
So next I head to the checkout line and of course it's about ten people long, so I go ahead and hop in line. I end up behind a mother and her seven year-old son. Yes I unfortunately now know that the son is exactly seven years old.
This is where my problems began. The line was taking forever, so I decided it would be a good idea to stand the noodle up and lean on it. This was nice and relaxing! Hooray, I am happy leaning on a four-foot noodle. But then, as I was reaching nirvana, my weight made the noodle bend forcing the bottom of the noodle straight into the bottom of the seven year old kid--and it wasn't just a graze. It was akin to that sound a towel makes when you snap it against someone's bare ass.
So of course the kid starts screaming STRANGER DANGER and pointing at me. The mom goes full psycho, drops her basket full of breakable shit, and starts screaming at me to get away.
At this point, I'm still holding the pool noodle in disbelief. Little did I know, I was holding it two handed in what would later be described as a "suggestive manner."
Fast forward past the rest of the crying, screaming, and my dumbfounded demeanor. Some random manager in a red vest comes up to me screaming into a radio and before I know it, there is a security guard there screaming into HIS radio. THEN four cops show up.
le sigh.
Two hours later, after reviewing the camera footage (because Walmart has exactly 9.4367 billion cameras in every store) they reluctantly agreed that it was an accident and let me go on my merry way.
FML
TL;DR Pool noodles; NOT EVEN ONCE.
guLLLLLy: i am having a very difficult time visualizing how you were leaning on the noodle and how it hit the kid.
cgludko: I think OP was holding the noodle in front of him, with his body parallel to the noodle. He then grabbed the noodle from the top, with both hands, drawing the top half towards himself. This left the lower half to load with potential energy, until it broke traction with the floor, slapping the kid in the butt.
guLLLLLy: Oh I see now. I was picturing him leaning back on it.
cgludko: I'm making some assumptions here. I bet those Walmart floors used a sacrificial wax finish that gripped the hell out of the rough cut foam ends of that noodle. So when it broke loose it had some serious kinetic energy behind it.
klassykitty: Looks like someone pays attention in physics class. :P
cgludko: I did lol. It was 20 years ago, but still burned into the fear center of my brain.
klassykitty: I see, I'm going through that whole thing now. In the middle of calc 3 to get that out of the way over the summer, just got home from taking a test actually. But what'd you go to school for then?
cgludko: Oh god, calc 3 on a summer session. Good Luck!
Short version: got a Mechanical Engineering degree, joined the Navy, went to medical school.
klassykitty: Yeah, i could have taken diff eq too, but that seemed like a little much. My professor is great though, so it shouldn't be more of a headache than it normally would be lol. I'm going for my ME degree too actually.
Don't think the navy or any other branch would be for me though. But good on you for doing all that. Sounds like you probably have a lot of interesting things going on there though. :)
cgludko: I bet ME is so interesting now, I saw some guys using solidworks recently and I was blown away, I remember old autocad and carrying around a box of drafting tools with a TI-82.
I joined the Navy because I had no money to pay for medical school, and they offered to pay me to get the degree, plus an indefinite position as a physician. The Navy is fundamentally nothing more than a very well planed and organized city. People have specific jobs (cook, plumber, pilot, doctor, sanitation, dentist, fire, law enforcement, power generation, media, etc.). People do their jobs, sleep, eat, have some fun, workout, and the wheels keep moving.
klassykitty: Huh, I didn't think about how different it must have been a while back. The TI-89 looks like a neat toy to have now, I've been looking at saving up for one.
I can't say I have the money to pay for school, so I'll probably end up taking out loans and junk, but we'll see how everything goes. But did you enjoy your time in the Navy then?
| 12 | 140.916667 | |
1404956730 | 1404969958 | t3_2aam7z | t5_2to41 | 8 | dripz245: TIFU by showing my mom my wallet
First post on Reddit, so I'm sorry if it's not very top notch lol. But on to the short story!
So I went to Maine with a few friends, one of them has a house up in Maine and was kind enough to invite me, and we go to a store that has some sweet wallets and I proceed to buy one. Fast forward about a week and I'm back at my home and my mom sees my wallet and asks me to see it, of course I say yes, it's just a wallet. Here's where I fucked up, COMPLETELY forgot my ZigZags (rolling papers for those who aren't aware) were blatantly noticeable once you open the wallet. As I'm letting go of my wallet to hand her it I remember and shout at the top of my lungs, "I NEED A WATER", bolt out into my kitchen and come back several moments later to receive my wallet and a look of disappointment from my mother that was so intense that I don't even feel comfortable attempting to describing with my vocabulary...
Antoilette: That reminds me of when I was 16 or so and I was over at a friend's house when her dad found her pack of cigarettes. I instantly told him they were mine since my parents care way less than hers and he goes "Well I guess this bag of pot I found in it is yours too." Banned from her house forever parents super pissed.
dripz245: That's bs, I hate how upset people get over weed lol
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1404950657 | 1404960284 | t3_2aacsv | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by wanting wifi and a beer (NSFW)
This wasn't today but it was a few days ago, I'm currently on vacation with majority of my family . One night we we"re at the house we were staying at for a weekend , and due to relatives filling up the house and we had all been drinking . My father And a few of the others who stayed up decided "hey let's just spend the night at a motel". I agreed since I wanted beer or any type of liquor at that point, that's when the trouble started. My sister in law (I'm not married my sister is so, this is her husbands sister, let's call her June) is no means a slut of any kind but , abit reckless. we've always had inner jokes and the urges to want to go out at night but , in my eyes there was always this sexual tension. She has a great body and pretty cute and always wears revealing clothes that makes just about anyone want to screw her. We quickly divided up the rooms at a run down motel and she insisted she wanted to stay in a room with me. I thought nothing of it and made a sexual innuendo and agreed to it. As we go in our room she quickly decides as she inspects the room" we should go some where else just me and you and drink". Again I thought it was just another comment of hers that would lead no where and agreed. This motel was much nicer had an ac decent bed and wifi, the lady at the counter quickly gave us our drinks and a few condoms in which she replies "oh he's like a brother to me". I quickly just sighed grabbed my giant sized beer and my whiskey and started chugging away, browsing reddit, and talking to her . As we sit outside and drink the girl at the counter (let's call her ann) decides to sit down , drink and get to know us. Ann starts to go on about how insanely close we are to the point she could of sworn we were having sex or something. June quickly said "we're just like that although I love his personality although he's very cute". Ann starts to agree with her and quickly starts to blush as I down my last bit of whiskey. I'm by no means sober at this point , I just laugh and decide "hey why not screw the hotel girl". June gets what's going on and decides to go to bed. As I start working all my drunken moves on her, I get a few kisses here and there and we get a bit frisky but nothing past 2nd base yet.I finally nut up and say we should go into our own room seeing as it's already a motel. She quickly denies because she's working but gives me her number and gets up and goes back as she sees a couple walking in. By that point I'm just annoyed at my loss of a 1 night stand and decide to check on June. She's knocked out in bed with her panties and nothing but a shirt on with a bottle of beer in hand. As I get in bed she grins and says " so did you fuck ann or not" . I quickly got her up to speed and she has this relieved look on her face . as I ask why the smile she kisses me and grabs at kirakid jr and says "wow you have a big cock" I take off my shirt and start to kiss her and bite at her neck and finger her a bit, as i suck on her right boob, I kid you not she looks at me as if she'd been in a weird dream and asks "what's going on" confused with her breast in my hands and my mouth inches from her nipples I just continue to go at it and she pushes me off . I look at her and tell her she kissed me, she was in complete denial and apologized if she did. Since I am drunk and already in tune with my inner hornyness I continue to try and kiss and press her to the bed. She looks at me deeply and asks if I'm going to rape her or something. I sat there in complete and utter mind fucked confusion and just got off her because in no means will I be a rapist. I sit there at the edge of the bed and ask if she is ok? As I return into the bowels of the friend zone . She is quickly fast asleep and I just decide to have a wank and go to bed. When we wake up it's as if nothing ever fucking happened, it's like she pushed it out of her mind she remembers it all even her kissing me and grabbing for me but shows no trace of being interested and I even ask if she wanted to do something with me. She laughs and goes on to say " we just joke around ". I sit in the car and just look out side, as I am in complete and utter distraught from all the mind fuckery and get the worst case of blue balls I've ever had.
Tl;dr : I wanted beer, went to a motel with sister in law, sister sexually teases me and denies it ever happening
webbbbb: i swear shit like this can take years off your life dude. just pure pain and agony all around. you handled it like a champ though. well done
Kirakid: Thanks but I learned she's notorious for that just learned from a brother of mine he's been through it with her too , so at this point I'm like is she trying to get the whole family?
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1404957946 | 1404973105 | t3_2aao4g | t5_2to41 | 150 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by asking /u/PM_for_dick_pic if He actually sends dick pics if I PM him.
So on an /r/Askreddit thread I saw his user so I asked him will he actually send a dick pic if I pmed him. He told me he will and before I even pm'ed him he send a picture of a professionally photographed picture of a penis. So as a reply joke I was gonna send him a picture of a horse's penis saying "Mines Bigger" So I went on google images, typed in "Horse Penis" and the images.... oh the images...
The various infected and decapitated horse penis pictures were on my screen and I cannot get them out of my head. I Have been mentally scared for life... TIFU.
S/O to /u/PM_for_dick_pic for making me go through that.
-edit- weird spaces...
-edit2- [This is the penis he sent me](http://imgur.com/a/6cdar)
-edit3-[This is the penis I saw](http://imgur.com/L4V5PK2)
pmo09: I'm confused. You asked a user named /u/PM_for_dick_pic if he would send a dick pic - he did - then you googled horse dick. He didn't make you go through that, you did. Twice
[deleted]: No he made me. Trust me. He made me.
PM_for_dick_pic: You could have simply appreciated my well photographed penis, but noooo you had to 1 up me. That's what you get! haha
NanukBurr: I'm curious. Is it you? Or do you locate one from a gallery of A+ penises, like a cock connoisseur?
PM_for_dick_pic: It's me. If I have it, why would I look around for more? The picture shown in the edit is the only pro pic I have, the rest are more sub-standard.
NanukBurr: Oh I dunno! I was just curious if it was you, or if you selected a picture at random. Either way it's hilarious and awesome.
PM_for_dick_pic: Aww thanks!
[:D] (http://i.imgur.com/wsFrS42.jpg) NSFW obviously
[deleted]: Dude! The fuck?
PM_for_dick_pic: Pretty shocking that the furry is shocked.
[deleted]: Oh I'm not shocked, I laughed my ass off when I clicked that link. Just didn't expect a penis with a smiley face on it.
PM_for_dick_pic: Ahh, well I'm glad I could brighten up your day with my dick.
pm_me_your_dick_plx: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 13 | 11.538462 | |
1404959078 | 1404959804 | t3_2aapv9 | t5_2to41 | 8 | jburn09: TIFU by insulting a mentally challenged man in front of my neighbors in my apartment complex
So I have lived at this moderately sized apartment complex for about 6 months now. I normally get to know a lot of people around me, but this complex is in a shady area (moved to be closer to my campus). One neighbor I see on a regular basis is disabled and restricted to a motorized wheelchair. I will call him Tim for now. Now Tim seems like a very nice guy, probably in his mid-20's. I am not sure what his disability is exactly; we have chatted only twice and that isn't something you ask about. Tim likes to hang outside when he can, so I see him often. One of the times we talked was about my (extremely) large chest tattoo, and the other I noticed his Phoenix Suns sticker on the wheelchair. He can carry a conversation well and is very outgoing, but you can tell he is mentally challenged. Tim always waves to me when I pull in on my motorcycle, and he seems very interested in my street bike. Normally we just wave at each other, but today was different.
When I pulled into my spot today, Tim was out and waved to me like normal. Now mind you, it was 6:00 pm so quite a few other neighbors were out and about. I waved back, and he came closer to my spot (20-30 feet) as I was getting my stuff together and Tim jokingly yelled "Good thing you are wearing a helmet as fast as you go!"
Without thinking I responded, "You really should be wearing a helmet, too!"
He has NASCAR stickers on his wheelchair, so I thought that would be hilarious...
He turned around and went straight to his apartment and shut the door. The other neighbors just looked at me, mouths open.
TL;DR TIFU by telling a mentally challenged man he should really be wearing a helmet
JustBars: Of course this is in AZ.
PROOF: i live here and might kno the asshole.
jburn09: [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/nd4lCBE.gif[/IMG]
JustBars: TIFU by continuing to make fun of handicapped people.*
| 4 | 2 | |
1404959552 | 1405100734 | t3_2aaql4 | t5_2to41 | 17 | TiCtOcT0e: TIFU by not responding to an email and losing 350 dollars.
I recently sold a laptop on amazon for 400 dollars. When it arrived to the customer, he did not think it matched the description and filed an A to Z guarantee claim. I then contacted him and asked him what he thought would be a fair reimbursement. He said he would be content with a 50$ reimbursement and keep the laptop. That was fine so I gave him a partial refund of 50$ and thought all was well. Little did I know, I had to email back A to Z. A week later Amazon charged me the remaining 350 dollars to give the customer a full refund all because I did not email them back. When I told them what happened, they said they couldn't do anything and it was too late. I tried contacting the customer but he will not respond. So now I am out a laptop with no money.
As a side note, who do you think is to blame and what should I do?
abrosis: Just literally keep ringing them up, send them emails, publicly shame them on twitter (that usually works well). They'll eventually have to listen. With the buyer, threaten police intervention - if no reply, file a police report.
Voyager5555: Not sure what that will do, the full refund is the result of the OPs negligence. If I don't cash a check and it expires am I going to send the police after the person who wrote the check or shame them on FB?
HouseBoat0469: Ok
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1404945917 | 1404965734 | t3_2aa563 | t5_2to41 | 15 | drinfernodds: TIFU by holding a weed whacker by the trigger (While Wearing shorts)
Ok so my dad likes to work on his yard over the spring and summer. He's old, but he handles tools much better than I do. As someone who has little experience with power tools of any kind, he just asked me to use the weed whacker in the yard. He told me to start where the tomato plants were. He had to point them out. As I walked down, I was holding it by the trigger. Plus I'm wearing shorts, so I accidentally start it and it hits my leg several times before I let go. Now my calf has multiple scratches and a couple of cuts. It's nothing serious but now it stings and feels awkward to walk since my dad put gauze on it and taped it. I put peroxide on it before hand and I only saw grass stains with little blood spots. I really can't be trusted with power tools.
P.S. I wound up walking back holding it the same way. (I'm not the fastest of learners and I don't learn from mistakes too often."
the_musicman: man, that could have been so much worse. still sucks though
drinfernodds: Yea I look like I suffered an attack from mini samurai on my calf.
| 3 | 5 | |
1404961842 | 1404962463 | t3_2aau2g | t5_2to41 | 31 | throwawayvomiter: TIFU by touching my friend's phone and vomiting (video included) (xpost /cringe)
Video link at very bottom, but here's the written story if you prefer that.
My friends and I were at McDonalds sitting and talking late at night. My friend (let's call him Abe), is using instagram on his phone. A Stranger (late teens or early 20s) passing by notices this and asks for Abe to follow him. Everyone else ignores the Stranger and/or says no thanks/I don't have an instagram. Abe follows the guy's instagram so he would leave us alone. As soon as Abe hits the follow button, the Stranger leaves without saying goodbye. This rude behavior really annoyed my friend (let's call him Randy) so he shouted after him "bye! bye!" sarcastically. We see him get into a car with his mom driving them out of the parking lot. Abe thinks that he's in the clear so he unfollows the Stranger's instagram. 2 minutes later, the Stranger returns complaining that he unfollowed him! Obviously, this meant he had to tell his mom to turn the car around and come back to McDonald's to regain a follower. My friend Abe plays dumb to make it seem as though he unfollowed him on accident. Abe refollows him and the Stranger leaves. Abe waits a few more minutes and then unfollows and blocks the Stranger's instagram. What do you know, a few minutes later has the Stranger entering again! Again, Abe plays dumb and he tries to humor the Stranger by asking "who's this Tyler guy (random person) who liked my instagram photos?" in the hopes of the Stranger believing Abe has no idea how Instagram works. The Stranger touches Abe's phone and gets Abe to follow him again and says "Don't let it happen again!" followed by a menacing laugh. The Stranger leaves again.
Abe is rather annoyed that the Stranger touched his phone. Abe leaves his phone on the table so he can get soap to clean his phone. While Abe is getting soap, I grab Abe's phone to try and unfollow the Stranger again. However, I did not know the Stranger instagram account name. Abe arrives to see me on his phone asking other people what the Stranger's instagram name was. Abe was legitimately scared of this guy coming back so he stuffed his palm full of soap into my face. I did not see it coming and my nose/mouth was filled with disgusting soap. This triggered my gag reflex and I pointed the projectile vomit onto Abe's feet.
**TL;DR** Guy got his mom to drive back to McDonald's twice to get an instagram follow from Abe. I tried to unfollow the guy on Abe's phone a third time. Instead, I get a mouthful of ~~soup~~ **soap** from Abe and vomited on him.
http://youtu.be/z-lDtjiphx0
BigPapaJesus: That's fucked up
throwawayvomiter: Haha which part? Vomiting or the creepy guy?
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1404959745 | 1404963860 | t3_2aaqwe | t5_2to41 | 14 | Taylor_Kittenface: TIFU by posting a photo of a tub of moisturiser and a pair of latex gloves to FB with the caption "This is the exciting night I have ahead".
So many of my friends left comments asking what the fuck I was talking about ...
I should probably state that I'm female, and I have recently developed a problem with dermatitis.
When I purchased the gloves and cream, I felt so happy because it was going to solve the problems I've been having with sore, itchy skin! Put the cream on overnight and wear the gloves to stop it staining my bedsheets.
Took the photo, added that caption. Thought nothing of it.
*cringe*
Thrice_Born: You should add another photo with a picture of some peanut butter and a crowbar, with the caption "But wait, there's more!"
Taylor_Kittenface: You're like the evil part of my psyche!! I love you, but you scare me ..
Thrice_Born: I think that I should start referring to myself as that...
Taylor_Kittenface: RES tagged!!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1404953798 | 1405013058 | t3_2aahnc | t5_2to41 | 20 | moneyballshma: TIFU by finally getting caught.
This just happened to me so I'm still kind of reeling from it. For the last three years where I have had a roommate, I have never gotten caught with the wood in my hand (a few close calls though), today, my luck ran out. I had just gotten back from the gym when the feeling of horniness hit me. I knew my roommate was out working out/getting laundry done, so I figured I had enough time to give the wood a good whacking. So I pull up some quality shit and get to the whacking. Unfortunately, shortly after I started, I hear the dreaded "click" of the door unlocking, and I frantically try to hide the evidence of my deed, but alas, I he saw the evidence (or at least I thought he saw it). Realizing, "fuck it, no point in hiding it" I simply fess up to what happened, only for him to tell me that he thought I was just simply getting ready to go take a shower, and he indeed didn't realize my true intentions of leaving my ass half-exposed. So basically, I got caught because my dumbass openly blurted out why half my ass was exposed to the elements. Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna go whack it some more to try to erase this memory.
TL:DR Decided to whack the wood, roommate enters halfway through, thinks I was getting ready for shower, accidentally confess to true intentions.
_Dreams_In_Digital_: Why not fap in your room? Is the only TV or Computer in the main room? And don't worry bro we all get caught eventually. I got busted by my dad faping in the living room infront of the computer.
Corno4: Probably a double room in a university/college residence, with 2 beds in 1 room
moneyballshma: That's pretty much the case.
| 4 | 5 | |
1404965213 | 1405141945 | t3_2aaz21 | t5_2to41 | 645 | R_U_Chicken_McFly: TIFU by emailing an **extremely** nasty pic with accompanying text to the ALL STAFF email. Pic link in story. I'm fucked. [NSFW]
Eagle-Eye-Smith: Jesus christ, what the fuck happened?
TekNoir08: I think we missed something good.
czarrie: It was a majestic TIFU, like a bald eagle landing on its head.
Ragnar_OK: OP fucked up twice, from the same source. It would be beautiful, if it wasn't so fucked up.
CurrentlyIncognito: It was so ridiculous people were telling me that OP probably made up the story.
Good job moderating the sub though /u/Ragnar!
Ragnar_OK: Thanks :)
It's actually /u/Ragnar_OK, but I used some sly CSS trickery to change how it's displayed. You can see my full username if you disable custom CSS.
CurrentlyIncognito: Oh! So basically... Magic! =D
Ragnar_OK: Haha, you can say that I guess :P
CSS isn't really that difficult, honestly. It takes a bit of getting used to, but once you do, there's a lot of cool stuff you can do with it, from changing how the usernames are displayed (even setting colors or even gradients for them), to the way a sub looks, to even changing the vote arrows (you can check it in /r/magicskyfairy - try upvoting or downvoting something).
CSS3 can even use animations (you can check it in /r/Netherlands in the lower right corner - that's some insanely cool stuff right there, even if it's only used as a joke).
CurrentlyIncognito: I took an introductory course once and it felt like things worked by magic all the time. That does sound really cool though!
I tried upvoting /r/magicskyfairy europhic! (and downvoting, but I took that off right after I saw what happened and gave it an upvote instead). And the helping ribbon (?) for microsoft is fun! =D
Thank you for sharing! =) You're a very cool person.
Ragnar_OK: Hey, thanks! :)
If you want to learn, the easiest way I found, at least for reddit, is to create a sub, copy another sub's CSS (by going to /r/subreddit'sname/about/stylesheet), paste it in your own, and just tinkering with it, see what works and what doesn't. Once you get the hang of the syntax and whatnot, it's surprisingly intuitive.
| 11 | 58.636364 | |
1404965411 | 1404966773 | t3_2aazca | t5_2to41 | 4 | CheeseAddiction: TIFU by mixing pussy and peanut butter
So, I heard somewhere that girls like it when you go down on them when you have peanut butter in your mouth. Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend with this little trick to see how turned on she'd get. Well, apparently she's one of the few girls out there who does NOT enjoy a mouthful of peanut butter caressing her lady parts and she FREAKED OUT on me. Looks like I'll be spending the night alone with my hand...
[deleted]: Is anyone else curious to whether it was chunky or smooth peanut butter?
CheeseAddiction: Skippy Extra Creamy.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1404965881 | 1405011393 | t3_2aazzp | t5_2to41 | 42 | omegabrand: TIFU by farting on an elevator with Mr. Sulu
so, it wasint exactly today, it was last year at Dragon Con. but thats besides the point. we were in the Marriott hotel, and went to the top floor to see who could count the most cosplayers. after that we had to ride down, and there was an old asian man waiting along with us. my friends didnt say a word as i reached out and shook the mans hand, introducing my self. I could hear my friends mumbling behind me, cant remimber what they said though. anyway, the elevator comes, and the mans security guards stop me and let him on first.
now it gets embarrising as hell, because, were just standing there, with to my knowledge, some old man. i break the tension, by letting one rip. he then laughs and says nothing. as we get off, my friends say, "do you know who that is?" i say no. "That was fucking George Takei!" who. "MR. SULU." the rest of that day i was just shaking my head ina shameful expression
I know nobody will believe me, but its the truth
BFisher244: oh my
Korgul: Eau Mai*
kingeryck: Eau is water though.. So.. I hope it wasn't watery.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1404966996 | 1404984574 | t3_2ab1k4 | t5_2to41 | 66 | Swaginton: TIFU by not hanging with my grandpa enough
It was about 8 weeks ago my grandpa passed away (bless him) and i didnt really feel anything because we never really talked alot and hanged out that much despite him living a few streets away. During the funeral i didnt really feel much either and then one night i was in bed i was thinking about him and how well he actually tried to talked to me when i was younger and the way he treated me so well. However we never got close and everyday i end up regretting never talking to him and crying myself because he's gone and i miss him so much. I cant even tell my mom because she'll probably break down just as much as i am and my dad wouldnt really care at all.
I really miss him everyday because once that person is gone theyre gone and you can never hear them speak back to you again.
EDIT 1: i thank everyone for their messages and comments and comforting words. I feel a bit better but it'll take a while before im use to it. thank you for the support <33
TTTTTTTtttimmmmm: I don't usually comment on things, but I felt particularly moved to say something, just cuz I couldn't leave this one hanging. If you weren't looking for advice or help, stop reading now, but if you are, I'll do my best.
Personally, I would try to emulate your grandpa's spirit of reaching out to others. It will probably make you a happier person, make you closer to the loved ones you still have with you, make sure this won't happen again, but it most importantly pays a kind of respect and tribute to your grandfather that he'd probably appreciate.
I don't know, just spelling my late night thoughts here.
CrazieMexican: Couldn't have said it better
| 3 | 22 | |
1404968071 | 1405008139 | t3_2ab2zj | t5_2to41 | 38 | yakisaki: TIFU by giving my legs and vagina 2nd degree burns
Earlier in the year I was in between at my boyfriend's new place and my parents. I stayed most days with boyfriend, but on occasion would stay at my parents as I didn't pay rent and didn't want to overstay my welcome at boyfriend's place.
Long story short, I got wasted, was being obnoxious and yelled at my boyfriend to feed me. He puts tomato soup in the mic and nukes it. I like my soup extra hot and defintiely let him know this. Anyway went to grab soup from boyfriend off a flimsy paper plate, plate flips and spills boiling hot tomato bisque soup all over my yoga pants right on my thighs and lady parts. I scream, jump up, soup goes all the way down my legs in super tight yoga pants and sticks to me. First instinct, TAKE PANTS OFF NOW. FIRE BURNING LAVA PANTS. But my boyfriend had a friend over. I flail screaming andy sandberg style to the bathroom and try to peel off the pants almost melted to my skin.
Was too drunk to realize the full damage (that comes the next day). I go back into my room, scream this is all my boyfriends fault and demand for him to take me home NOW because this, again, is all his fault. I was trashed, gathered my things, boyfriend drops me off. I fall outta the car and spill my purse in front of my house but am too booze brained to even register it. I kept my boyfriends spare ID in my purse and I wrote in huge sharpie between his name "BIG DICK boyfriendslastname". Its a novelty of sorts. Forgot it the next day and my dad found it. It's a family joke now.
The cherry on the cake was waking up the next day to the damage I had done. My underwear were stained red with tomato soup. My upper thighs, female parts, and lower stomach, and streams down my legs AND forearms were super, super burned with some blisters.I had blisters in the shape of the splash on my belly, too. I didn't realize it until I went to the bathroom and felt like I had super sun burn on my vag.
We now call this the great tomato soup situation and we seldom reference it but I remember the pain and shock of a burned vag.
TL;DR I got wasted and splashed boiling hot tomatoe bisque all of my body giving me 2nd and 3rd degree burns.
WurdSmyth: Being a bitch has consequences. Grow the fuck up and apologize to him, then never act like that again. Next time he very well might stuff your lifeless body in a trash compactor.
JoKat: I'm sorry, But I have to agree. You demanded the soup then blamed him when you got burned? I think not.
Deep_In_You: In her defense, she claimed to have been fucked up drunk.
Not saying that it is okay to act like that. But, clearly her stating that she was being obnoxious, shows her understanding that she was out of line.
yakisaki: It was a big TIFU and I learned to stop being such a drunk bitch. This or anything of the sort has not happened since.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1404967858 | 1404971862 | t3_2ab2q8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | juicedagod: TIFU by getting blackout drunk at an independent wrestling show
this actually happened on Sunday June 22nd. I'm not using a throwaway because it happened in public anyway so even if I did anyone who knows me would know what happened. I was at beyond wrestling in Providence Rhode Island and I had decided that I wanted to get drunk but I did not want to spend money. I had poured an empty pint bottle full of whiskey and put it in my cargo pants pocket 4 easy and convenient travel.I had managed to get into the building with it and proceeded drinking it. I did not drink it too quickly but I shared it with a few other people as well. That was not what the problem was.
another gentleman who was at the event had managed to bring in a bottle of vodka larger than mine. So I proc I will answer any questions that you hav to the best of my knowledge and ability.the gesture and everything was great. I eventually went to take a swig and I drank far too much. Needless to say, the rest of the night gets a bit blurry. The last thing I remember is halfway through the show the beginning of a tag team match. When I woke up, I was on a bench in the lobby nowhere near any of the action. I walked back inside and found my friends and I was confused because there was no more wrestling going on. At that point I realized that I had blacked out. I instantly went from my phone to try to find other people I was with and it was missing. I walked down the street to a payphone and I called my girlfriend who was not happy with me. I realized I was definitely in for a serious story when I heard what happened. I convinced her to come and get me and was basically very upset to say the least. When I was finally picked up, she started to talk to me about the events of the night, none of which I remembered. Apparently I was extremely loud and obnoxious. Acting like an asshole to wrestlers and other people and the business. I was almost kicked out and arrested. And then I proceeded to pass out. I heard stories of multiple people taking pictures with me passed out, but I don't think I realize the extent of it.
the next day when I woke up I had to go right to work but I knew that I didn't want to know all of the details. I did ask a few questions and basically realized that I embarrassed all of my friends and front of a bunch of people and everyone I knew was pretty pissed at me. Definitely the wrestlers and even the promoter.I'm still upset by it and have not wanted to know all of the details but I'm kind of putting this out there to the reddit universe to get it off of my chest and maybe hear what you guys have to say.also, I've never done one of these and if its boring and sucks I feel bad. I'm not a writer,so sorry if I'm all over the place. and I would also love to hear what all of you think about this story. I will answer any questions that you have to the best of my knowledge and ability.
WurdSmyth: Yeah...your girlfriend is the one who fucked up...by dating such a turd.
juicedagod: I deserve that
WurdSmyth: Now you're learning
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1404967380 | 1405004099 | t3_2ab22n | t5_2to41 | 13 | fuckerupperagain: TIFU by spending $1k in a drunk horny stupor at a camsite
So... I was horny after a night on the town with my buddies. My gf and I are on seperate vacations for a week to do seperate stuff before we do couple stuff, and I get home, horny and alone. I used to have this thing for camgirls when I was single, and decided to check out some girls to fap to (stupid, but it happened)
Anyways. I find a girl I like and pay some money up front for credits for action. For some reason the payment screen kept popping up while I was doing my bisniss, and my drunken aim apparently pressed pay every time instead of clicking it away. So now I'm stuck with half a vacation budget and 2 hours of camtime on a site I basicaly don't visit anymore....
tl;dr drunken me spent half my vacation budget on a camsite I'm not allowed to visit anymore
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Good luck explaining that one to your gf. :D
fuckerupperagain: Yeah... "Sorry, we can go to Copenhagen, but not Prague after all... Why? No reason. Also, you will be paying for drinks"
Guess I'll be using the camsite some more the next couple of weeks...
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Unless you apply for a brand new credit card and it gets there before you leave.
fuckerupperagain: Good luck with that since I litterally drove 1800km to meet my buddies at the town next over from where we are supposed to meet up... :( Hell, I don't even know were to apply for a credit card since I (up to this point) think it's a stupid idea :p
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Google it
xluminosityx: You could just claim your credit card was stolen and get your money back.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1404969019 | 1404969957 | t3_2ab487 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU taking off my girlfriends pants
TIFU, so we just got back from vacation with her family at the beach. Well, with the family around it was kinda hard to get some alone time if you know what I mean. So, we're back home, and we're alone at my house (Roommate is on vacation as well) so we chill and things start to get on the heavy side.
Well, normally this would be a great story, but TIFU. We happened to get a little on the burned side of things from the beach, well hey no prob from me, nothing is gonna stop me. However, her legs are pretty burned. So, as I'm taking off her pants, I tugged a little too hard too low, she jumps up yelling at me, "MY SUNBURNS,". She promptly left. Needless to say, it's a drum solo tonight.
TLDR; Cockblocked by a goddamn sunburn.
WoWAltoholic: That's why you go buy a tube of Aloe Vera right now then head over to help her feel "all better."
Benalow: Oh, I tried that, there is no coming back this night :/
| 3 | 4 | |
1404969261 | 1404977776 | t3_2ab4iz | t5_2to41 | 82 | oakles: TIFU by going to In N Out.
This actually occurred my freshman year of high school but it still makes me cringe 5 years later.
I grew up in Southern California so going surfing was one of my favorite past times. I woke up early on one fateful Saturday morning to a text from one of my friends asking if I wanted to go to the beach for the day. "Yeah man, I'm down. Meet at your place in 15?" I replied, and that's where this story begins...
I gather all my stuff and hop in my mom's car so she could drop me off at his house. I arrive, put my stuff in the back of his car (he was a Junior at the time and could drive), and we are well on our way. After about 20 minutes we arrive at the beach and start doing our thing. Mind you, this is during the winter so the water was cold, this will come into play later. About 2 hours go by and we decide that we should go grab some lunch and what better place for cheap, decent food than In N Out. So we put all our stuff back in the car and make our way to go eat.
We arrive at about noon and the place is packed. We order our food and as I'm looking around I can't find a single table inside. Not a problem. We get our receipts, I grab some ketchup, and we go and sit outside at a table. As we're sitting there waiting for our food we start shooting the shit and, being the teenagers that we were, start fucking around. This "fucking around" abruptly ends as I jokingly throw my ketchup at my friend and it gets all over his clothes. I had no intention of this happening. As soon as he realized what happened he looks down, looks at me, back down, stands up, rushes towards me, forcefully punches my dick area, and sits back down.
If you're not familiar with the In N Out seating arrangements, there is the inside lobby with windows winding around the entire building and then right through the windows are the outside tables, my back was facing the windows. So here we are. My friend has ketchup all over his clothes and I am writhing in pain because of how bad my dick/balls hurt. At this point I think he actually might have done some damage down there so I do the only logical thing and lift my pants up to see if there was anything wrong without even thinking what is behind me.
After about 10 seconds I determine that all is good in the hood down there. I look up and my friend has the dumbest fucking grin on his face. I turn around and am greeted with multiple people that are laughing their asses off inside the restaurant pointing and staring at me. I'm still a bit confused as to what's going on until I look at this woman, who is almost in tears from laughing so hard, holding up a french fry and pointing to my pants. At this very moment I'm sure my facial expression was just completely mortified. I had just flashed my dick to a crowd of people that watched this entire thing go down. The thing I had said about the water being cold? That was real, and so was the shrinkage.
After another 2 or 3 minutes of people laughing at me, my friend included, I just walk away and call my mom to pick me up. Fuck that.
Oops_I_raped_you: so if your back was to the window, making you oblivious to the crowd of people behind you.....yet somehow they..um...saw your...dick?....I guess the logical conclusion one might take away from this story is that your dick is up your ass?
oakles: I was sitting down at the table outside so when I lifted my shorts my dick was in plain view. Try it if you're sitting down right now and think about a crowd of onlookers behind you.
Oops_I_raped_you: I mean...was your dick hanging that far down between your legs? Or did you have it slung over your shoulder? Wtf, man?
oakles: [I tried, I really did.](http://imgur.com/M7aZWbj)
Oops_I_raped_you: Sooooooo....it was more of a quick side peek of your dick?
Because Im having a hard time imagining that WHOLE...ENTIRE....RESTAURANT had simultaneously looked at your dick in the split second you lifted up your shorts for a second to give them a momentary inadvertent side glance. ESPECIALLY after that whole shrinkage part of the story. I mean if you have a 15 inch dong that was draped over your thigh....maybe.....but cmonnnn man. This doesnt add up.
oakles: Never said the whole entire restaurant, just the people at the tables near ours but on the inside. You don't have to believe the story if you don't want. Just know that I still carry the shame of it to this day.
Edit: And, like I'd said, we were making a scene with the whole ketchup spilling/dick punching so people didn't just happen to look right when I did that. We attracted a small audience I'm sure.
Oops_I_raped_you: Nah, I believe the incident happened. I just dont think that many people would have seen/noticed. At least not from your "back was turned, dick was tiny" description with matching illustration.
[deleted]: I don't know - pulling your dick OUT FROM UNDER your shorts for ten seconds to inspect it outside of a crowded In N' Out actually seems like a 100% chance that at least a half-dozen people saw his dick. Those places get crowded.
Oops_I_raped_you: when you say "OUT FROM UNDER"...do you mean he took it down through the leg hole??
[deleted]: I don't know, ask OP, but it sounds like it. His diagram didn't really help, but he keeps saying he lifted his shorts "up" to check his peener.
| 11 | 7.454545 | |
1404965073 | 1405031104 | t3_2aayui | t5_2to41 | 43 | PM_ME_KOREAN_GIRLS: TIFU by wearing tight shorts and squatting
Well 3 days ago i signed up for a gym membership at a local korean gym. Now im pretty big for a Korean person and they give you clothes you clothes to change into and they dont fit me well at all. Infact they are skin tight. They might as well have been unstretchy spandex. I look around and i do what everyone else does. They strip off everything except socks and they wear the gym shorts and shirt. Notice how underwear is not included. All the men go commando. So that day was leg day and I did squats. Now that i look back on it the weird sound should have registered as a rip. I finish up my reps and go on to other exercises when i realize that i keep getting these stares. Then i look down. I have a hole that my pubes and part of my scrotum/thigh poke through the shorts. Of course, all hail Brodin, I finished my reps as fast as possible.
Wicked81: They give you clothes???
PM_ME_KOREAN_GIRLS: Yeah. You dont take them. You just change into the clothes they give you.
holnrew: That other people have previously worn?
PM_ME_KOREAN_GIRLS: Dude... They arent fucking hobos. They wash them
holnrew: I know, I'm just weird about that sort of thing.
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1404971968 | 1405025507 | t3_2ab7oh | t5_2to41 | 206 | NakedAndTheDead: TIFU by accidentally assaulting a minor in Costco
Well you may be thinking "how the hell do you accidentally assault someone, let alone a minor?"... To which I reply: I don't know, but I managed. Here's the story.
First off, I have a 11 year old brother (I'm 24). I hang out with him a fair amount, and we have the kind of relationship where it isn't weird when he tries to tackle me when I'm walking down the stairs or if I pin him down to give him an Indian burn or titty twister. Like most young boys, he's pretty up for physical roughhousing and whatnot; also, because of his young age among older siblings, he's been exposed to a few ideas and words that he may not have heard so early if it wasn't for me and my sisters (much to my mother's dismay)... But for the most part he's a pretty typical 11 year old.
Anyway, today I went to Costco with my mom and little brother. Like most trips out into the world with my brother, he disappeared almost immediately. He's very independent for the most part, so he's always going off on his own to check stuff out, though I think he knows I'll be following right behind when I'm around. So I left my mom to go see where he went.
Right away I saw him --the unkempt blonde hair is a dead giveaway, and the Oregon Ducks shirt he was wearing was unmistakable. Seeing him turned away from me looking at a bin of pool inflatables was all it took for my older brother instincts to kick him. A smirk grew on my face as I snuck closer.
As he picked up one of the pool toys, I was then close enough to touch him. I moved my face directly behind his right ear, and with my best Fat Bastard impression, whispered "I'm gonna eat'cha, ya goddamn baybeh" while at the same time clamping my hand over his shoulder, pinching the tendon with a good amount of pressure, bringing him to his knees with a squeal. Any other brothers may know this trick; it's pretty harmless, but it hurts and is very surprising/uncomfortable. My brother hates it.
As i'm sure you may have guessed, this wasn't my brother. After I let the poor kid go, he turned his shocked face up towards mine, and I experienced a moment of total terror. Thinking "so this is how you go to jail --I figured it would take more effort than this" as I stammered out some kind of apology or excuse. After i did, tears began to well in his eyes and I knew I had to get out of there. Backing away saying sorry over and over again, I caught a glimpse over my shoulder of him scampering off in the other direction as I turned to look for my mom. Once I found her, I said that I couldn't find my little brother, didn't have time to explain and would meet them out in the car. I fled. Like the newly-created predator I was.
I told them both about it afterwards and as you could imagine they thought it was pretty hilarious. My brother seemed especially pleased that some doppelganger (at least viewed from behind) received the brutish treatment that was meant for him. My dad thought it was funny too.
If you're on Reddit little kid, I'm sorry about that.
U2CH: Hahaha!
My dad did this (accidentally tackle a little kid) in my nephew's kindergarten class.
My nephew saw the whole thing from a playhouse and at the end of the subsequent scuffle delivered a perfect Nelson impersonation teasing my dad.
mustangwolf1997: All you dicks (with dads that mistake other kids for you and laugh about what they do) are lucky.
My dad just got high and hugged some random kid he thought was me in the office of my elementary school.
Not even fucking kidding.
GuyBanks: *Wellllll*, is there a story or are you going to leave us hanging?
NeoMegamanX: His dad had been looking for him for over three years since that fateful night when he had to put his kid outside the cart to fit the two last beer kegs on sale and realizing he had left his kid at some random store after finishing the beer. After years of years of looking through different parks, malls and miscellaneous areas he finally found him. But it wasn't him, just a look alike who happened to be standing a couple feet away from the real kid.
| 5 | 41.2 | |
1404969790 | 1405053709 | t3_2ab572 | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking molly
It was summer and my friend decided he wanted to try molly for the first time, because he finally had a connection. We planned to go midnight bowling before he found a connection, so there were 3 out of 5 of us that were going to take it that night. We both went in the car, picked it up, bought orange juice, and started driving over to the bowling center. As the sober person was driving, we took the molly and the orange juice.
Once we were at midnight bowling, I hadn't felt anything. I felt a little tired, but that was the most of it. We started bowling, and after a round of it, it was then that the other 2 friends said they started feeling it. I still didn't understand what I was supposed to be feeling. What is this "trippiness" that they're talking about? Maybe if I walk off and about on my own, I'll feel it. I started walking a little faster toward the bathroom, and the walls feel a little weird. It feels like passing highway lights, but I still don't "feel it". I go in the bathroom, and that's when I actually see it externally effecting me. My skin is completely pale and my eyebags are starting to pile on top of each other. I didn't know what to think of it, and I thought that that was the moment when I felt it. You know that video of the guy on drugs that is looking at himself in the mirror, and his face is distorted? That was me for the first time. I went back to the group, and they were still bowling. I didn't want to play anymore now. I wanted to hug people, and feel their warmth. After about the 4th person, I started to feel like my heart was popping out of my chest. I didn't know why, so I hugged more and more people to comfort my anxiety, and because hugging was the only thing I felt like doing at that point. Every time I moved, my heart would pump even faster. Every time I walked a little more than a step, I had to take a sip of water. I went through $10 worth of water.
Those of you know that molly can cause dehydration and faster heart pace. With all that, take into account that I have a heart condition. At the end of bowling, I was pale to the point where people were staring at me. As we drove back, all I wanted to do was go back home and sleep. The vibrations of the car's radio were too much for me to handle, and only sped up my heart. They decided to go to Denny's and order food. I tried to eat a quesadilla, and I could not get through 2 bites. They asked me how I felt. Whenever I hear people say that they're "fucked up", I always passed it off as a toolish thing to say to prove yourself. For the first and only time in my life, the words "fucked up" slipped out of my mouth, and they were all somehow jealous of that. When I was finally dropped off home, I struggled to change into my clothes. I fell down on my bed, and closed my eyes, waiting to sleep. I couldn't sleep. My heartbeat was too loud in my ears to sleep. I cried about how I couldn't sleep. I cried about my life. I cried about the fact that I was crying. I cried because Eminem's song was so moving. I was awake for more than 35-40 hours.
I asked my friend a few days later, and he told me that I looked like I was passing into the afterlife that night.
tl;dr Cocaine would probably end me.
magic_tongue: yea you got meth, its a similar structure and has that effect. Real molly only lasts around 5 hours or so. Whoever you got it from fucked you over hard, sorry to hear it.
PM_ME_BOOTY_PICS_: If it lasts that long then it's meth?
If That's the case then a bunch of my friends did meth.
magic_tongue: at least not pure MDMA, mixed with some kind of speed.
PM_ME_BOOTY_PICS_: Yeah they were up all night. It always bugs me out with how each person acts a certain way on it. Some girl wouldn't stop jumping around.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1404975620 | 1404975933 | t3_2abbfv | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU accidentally sent a nasty snapchat to my ex girlfriend just as I finally made things right again.
Gaaah... fuck. Here it is: we went out for a couple years when I lived in LA... I absolutely love her... I moved to SF and she moved to England for a few years... she ended up with a boyf or 2 in the years and she ended up back in LA with a serious boyf. I had my share of girlfs in those years...but nothing as serious as I loved her. Then a couple months ago, she and her boyfriend moved up here like 45 minutes away from me (for a job). I was so excited... we were still friends and all... but, you know, I still have strong feelings for her...and she admittedly felt the same about me.
She was having a tough time with her d-bag boyf and ended up splitting up with him about 2 weeks after she visited me briefly one afternoon. He was on a business trip. So, after they split, she came back to visit me and I was soooooOoooOOO happy!! Everything was going great and we were both super happy. I made dinner... we had a couple drinks... cuddled up on my bed and ended up kissing very passionately for a minute. Nothing more. That's all we needed to do to know it was right.
So. I fucked up. I was snapchatting her and I decided to take a pic of myself with the caption "put me in your mouth"... I planned on NOT sending it, and clicking the "x" to exit the pic... but for some reason I was on auto pilot and hit send!!!! Damnit. I immediately apologized and was horrified.
Thank god I didn't send it to one of my students, who are also some of my snapchat friends... damn. That coulda cost me my job and a lot else. Fucking snapchat... when you click "send", it is supposed to go to the friends screen so you can pick who to send it to.
Anyway, I don't know what the hell to do now. Thanks for reading.
TL; DR ex girl and I fell back in love, ruined with dick pic
Imogens: what age are your students?!? That sounds incredibly inappropriate.
stumblemuffin: Its not inappropriate at all. High school... I'm only 26. I'm like the older brother coach. These are kids I tutor and are friends with their families. Small community here
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1404975841 | 1405026548 | t3_2abbmu | t5_2to41 | 1,607 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally texting my girlfriend a message meant for my sister, then amazingly slipping out of that mess only to FU bigger.
First, this is of course a throwaway account as my girlfriend is aware of my real account, although she's not really into Reddit.
This is truly awful. But then it got temporarily awesome. Then worse than awful. I've been dating this girl and we kinda fell in love too quickly. She has a son, and don't get me wrong, I like kids, but he's a rude, annoying little shit. Very inconsiderate to everyone around him.
We're on a trip right now to visit her family 800 miles away. While visiting this farm outside of town, she asked for a bottle of water from this thermobag I was carrying. I handed my last one to her, and then he told her he wanted it, so she handed the bottle to him.
"Thank you mom."
"Don't thank me, thank Mark. It was his bottle."
In the most repulsive, pouty little voice, he said "I don't WANT to." And he proceeded with drinking the water while she seemed completely oblivious to his rudeness nor showing any desire to correct him.
I was seething. So I grabbed my phone and quickly texted my sister Sarah (who has two kids of her own,) this message:
"So, Samantha asked me for a bottle of water, so I handed her the last one from my bag. Then Joseph asked if he could have it, and she said yes. He thanked her, but she told him to thank me since it was my water, and he very rudely said, "I don't WANT too!" She said NOTHING!! Am I just spoiled by how great your kids are? Or is this kid truly rotten outside the norm? I know I'm a guy dating his single mom, and I need to be patient, but this isn't normal trepidation. He's just a rude fucking kid. I swear, he will be the breaking point in this relationship."
SEND.
"Samantha received your message."
HOLY FUCKING MOTHER-OF-GOD SHITFUCK!!! I am ALWAYS so careful when sending a message like that! But I sent it in haste and anger and didn't realize I was responding to a previous text from Samantha and not to my sister. And we are on a trip right now!! Talk about a long ride home...what to do. I asked if I could see her phone for a second.
"Why?"
"I just want to see when you are receiving my texts. I noticed lately that you respond way after I send them. I want to compare timestamps."
How I pulled that out of my ass, and how she fell for it, I'll never know. Fortunately we were out in the boonies with poor coverage, so the message hadn't gotten to her crappy T-Mobile phone yet. I quickly muted it, and boom. There was my text received while I held the phone. I carefully deleted it, and gave it back to her.
"Well?"
"Seemed fine to me. Same timestamps. Guess I was imagining it."
Whew. So I decided to be careful this time and decided to send this story to my sister through email instead, adding, "And get this. I actually tried to text this to you, but sent it TO HER BY ACCIDENT!! Long story, but I deleted it thankfully before she saw it. So I'm emailing you to be safe."
And I'm sure most of you know where this is going. And you are right. My sister's name is Sarah. I typed in "S...A..." then the first suggestion pops up and I sent it. Not to my sister Sarah. To fucking Sam. I didn't know that I did this until her phone email prompt went off, and she read it.
Very little was said when she received it. We were in a family-member's car which drove us back to her mom's house. As I type this, she and her annoying kid are still at her mom's. (The town we are visiting.) I'm alone in the hotel. Good times.
Yes, I know this might be a blessing in disguise, but at this moment, I am NOT a happy person.
Holy. fucking. shit.
Sypher0110: You sir need to have your technology privileges revoked.
[deleted]: Worst part is that I'm insanely careful about stuff like this. My OCD did not kick in when I most needed it.
I'm handing in my badge.
Malka1986: twice ?
In french, we have an expression for that : 'acte manqué'. Kinda like a freudian slip, but with actions instead of speech (such as unconsciously forgetting something at someone's place, in order to have an excuse to see that person again).
Your subconscious wanted that talk with your gf.
Sunshinexpress: George W. Bush also has a saying for this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKgPY1adc0A
The_Hand_of_Sithis: I can't stop laughing omg. He was the worst public speaker ever lol. Good with actions, bad with words.
ThegreatPee: I'm gonna have to digress about him being good with actions...
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Why though? I mean I fully support the war, fully justified. If you saw that things they did to their own people.... It's just sick....
ThegreatPee: I did see what happened there. Bush invaded the wrong fucking Country.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: That's right, I forgot, the one that was the terrorist safe haven. The one that nerve gassed little kids. Ever seen a baby convulsing and shaking violently from a gas attack? What about babies shot full of holes because her newly wed aunt was dancing at her wedding? Terror ran rampant, and thanks to Obama, is again. I'm glad you condone women being raped then sentenced to be stoned to death because of it, terrorist freedom to hide and plan freely, and all the awesome things that go along with that.
ThegreatPee: I've been to Iraq, Skippy. If we liberated that place then why did it go strait back to shit after we pulled out? It wasn't about liberation. It was about occupation. Horrible things happen all over the Middle East, Africa, and South America all the time. What are you doing to change it? Put your Anonymous mask back on and stay in your room, it's safe there.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Hah, well that's a stalemate we ain't ever gonna move. Skippy, seriously?
| 12 | 133.916667 | |
1404978923 | 1404981209 | t3_2abef4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | 3dgemaster: TIFU by riding a bike with 1 hand, had to break fast & hard, ended up with a hole in my ballsack.
So me and my friend were riding down this pedestrian road. I had a 1.5L bottle of ice tea in my right hand, was managing the bike with my left. I've done this many times, as I'm sure you all have- riding with 1 or both hands loose. What I had not done before was breaking fast while doing so.
We were nearing a crossing. Note that the pedestrian road was parallel to a car road and the crossing was sort of an intersection. Anyway, as we were nearing the crossing I noticed the crossing light going from green to red. We had some speed with us and as I looked to my left I saw cars getting ready to abuse that green light coming up for them and take a right turn- they were not slowing down, giving turn signals etc.
Me, not wanting to collide with them, obviously decided to break. I did get to think that there is something off about what I'm doing, because the moment I hit the breaks even a little I felt my body going forward. Now, what I should have done is tossed that bottle and grab hold of my bike with both hands for the duration of breaking. Alas, that is the wisdom of retrospection. So instead I applied more and more pressure to the breaks the closer I got to the crossing in order to avoid going straight into the traffic. I was not slowing down much. It all lasted about 3 seconds. Eventually I had to block the breaks in order to slow down. Physics. What ensued was my handlebar going 90 degrees and literally throwing me head over on to the pavement, just a few meters before the crossing. The bike also lifted its back up and I sort of fell from my saddle onto the handlebar. Guess which part of my body took the majority of that fall & slowing down? Yes, the crotch. Never ever have I felt such exquisite pain in the area. I could almost trip on the pain alone, such was the agony. I got back up in about 2 seconds and just yelled and screamed my lungs out cursing at everything. My friend was rather amused, he must have thought I was retarded. Well..
Fast forward 2 minutes. There was a park nearby. I gathered myself to the best of my ability and we sought refuge in the park, decided to 420 blaze it- you must understand, I was in a need of some serious medicine. Lucky we were packing. Sitting there, smoking, checking the damage done to my bike (Schwinn Hornet, 1 week old) I began to feel better. The pain was less and less. I thought I was lucky.
Once I got home that night (few hours later, we cruised around, applied some more medicine) I washed my face, brushed my teeth & instafell to sleep.
Next morning I did not go to the toilet, I slept in and hurried to work.
Once I was in the office I obviously had to empty my bladder. So into the mens room I went. I was wearing orange boxers. Getting the pillar out and doing my thing I notice the bottom of my boxers is covered with some red goo- something that was apparently mostly blood and a little of something else. Now. For any females reading this. That is the absolute last place a man wants to see blood in. I did not know that before. Now I do. I have 10s of scars and injuries- I'm awesome like that, damaging myself constantly because I just don't think ahead properly. None of those injuries never ever gave me the chills. Once I managed to saw into my hand and get a flesh wound 5 cm long, 2 cm wide. All I did for the first minute was examine the human flesh in amazement- how cool, wow; until by brother slapped some sense into me and we went to find our parents to get it taken care of; we were building a hut like boys do.
Sorry about the sidestep. So. I was dumbfucked for a while there, standing in front of the urinal gathering myself. Then I began to examine the damage. Immediate inspection revealed the pillar was undamaged. Good. Good. Going forward, checking the stones. And there it was, source of the red stuff. Blood. And something else. There was a giant hole in my left ballsack, down at the bottom. Alright, maybe not giant. It did feel giant to me anyway. About 1 cm long and half cm wide. Not kidding you, I could have put my little finger in there. Mind you, that was not my 1st thought. My 1st thought was 'hey, I could stash my weed in there.' Then it hit me. A hole in my ballsack. Fuck. The bleeding had stopped. There was nothing covering the hole. There was just darkness inside. Not that I expected any light to shine from there.. I decided to leave it at that then.
A few days later, it had not healed. One week later, the stone had turned different colors of green and blue. And there was some stuff coming out of it. Still not healed, though I could no longer see the hole- some stuff was covering it. Is when I finally decided to call my doctor and explain the situation. Huh. She thought it should take care of itself, unless I have an infection, which I did not. So I left my stones to their own devices and another week later it was more less- no more stuff coming out, rainbows fading away. Just a scratch remaining.
Moral of the story? When riding a bike, only break hard when using both hands to balance the handlebar. Optional moral of the story- carry some friendly plants with you in case you are too dumb to use both hands.
Thank you for your time.
Have a good one!
edit: this happened a few months back. at the time i did not feel like sharing this with anyone, ever. but now? water under the bridge .d
MrPoopnoodles: You English lads can't protect your balls in The Cup or at home.
3dgemaster: I'm not an englishman, not even a native speaker for that matter .p
I'll take that as a compliment. Should still protect my balls tho, englishman or no.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1404981150 | 1405060536 | t3_2abg7w | t5_2to41 | 429 | Nevadafrenchy: TIFU by breaking my penis
2 years ago. I came home to my fiancé after an early night of drinking with some friends and we started having sex in the shower. I 'missed' once and heard a crack. I kept going for a few moments noticing the feeling was off, something was not right. I knew at that moment what had happened. I recalled a show I was watching at the time, "New Girl", where one of the characters broke their penis so I was pretty sure it could actually happen. I pulled out, turned the shower head fully to the cold position and put my penis directly under it. Simultaneously I calmly said, "Please go get me some ice." She hesitated, seeming confused (of course). I was in so much pain, gritting my teeth I repeated, "Please get me some ice... now!" Somewhat upset with my tone she complied. I dried off, went to the couch, contemplated my next move then said to my future wife, "So I just broke my penis, you're going to have to take me to the hospital." I was so calm about it and so certain that she didn't question it and took me straight there.
Once at the hospital, a Friday night around 10:30 pm, they let me right in. There were mostly males working. My penis looked like a purple mushroom top had formed under my 'head' and it was oh so small from the ice being on it for a good 45 minutes. I'm sure there were broken arms and legs to attend to but there were 4 male nurses and a PA in my room checking this thing out... in shock. They gave me a double dose of morphine and called in a urologist. Poor guy had to leave his family on a Friday night for this. Before looking at my penis he proceeded to explain the process of repairing a broken penis where, according to his explanation, involved making an incision around the tip, pulling down the skin, inserting saline solution to find the 'tear', sewing up the 'torn' portion, then subsequently repositioning and sewing the rest back together. My fiancé was sitting right next to me the whole time, in shock, probably wondering if her husband would ever be able to produce her future children. He checked it out, moved it around curiously, putting pressure on certain points, "Well it doesn't seem to be causing you much pain," at which point the PA stepped in and said, "Well he is on a double dose of morphine so I'd be surprised if he felt any pain." Fortunately it turned out that since the 'tear' was up towards the tip and not in the center and I had applied ice right away I had stopped any major bleeding. He didn't think it would need surgery... if I was careful. So I shared my pain.
I was sent home with pain killers and told not to have any form of sexual stimulation for 6 weeks. I had to contact the doctor on Monday with an update and document my penis' progress. The next day my penis began to look more alien, with spots of purple and white, getting more purple. It slowly formed into what looked like a eggplant (aubergine for some of you). My fiancé's friends had a party that we had to go to that next night. Walking like I was about to poop the whole night lead some to ask what was wrong. I told them, they loved it. When I let out that I took pictures to show the doctor, well, they had to see them. "Claim it!" they said. At that point it didn't even look like a penis, it looked like some purplish, oddly shaped, life form was living in my crotch. Eventually the whole party saw the pictures and loved it.
To this day I get asked about my broken penis. It was a painful 6 weeks, especially in the mornings, and my (now) wife was there for it every step of the way bringing me ice as needed, without hesitation. She still won't have sex in the shower.
crackdick: Did that too. New year's eve in ER with eggplant in crouch is no fun. Fyi, no surgery. It will go away like blood blister on its own, but you have to have faith that it won't rot off :( About 1 week of eggplant size, six weeks to sex again.
Don't ever wish your penis is twice as large.
Nevadafrenchy: http://imgur.com/l8oibwF
Thewinkingfrenchie: Welp that was my risky click of the day
huzzarisme: To those who are wondering, it's completely SFW.
coool12121212: Stop lying! That's cruel!
Edit: it's a joke.
huzzarisme: If they're doing anything, you can't see!
| 7 | 61.285714 | |
1404982207 | 1404985967 | t3_2abh2d | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girlfriend about the girl of my dreams.
Well there isn't really anything I can say that will get me out of this one, I am an idiot.
Basically, I have had dreams for as long as I can remember about this girl who is the same age as me and we live just the best life together. She is just a figment of my imagination, she doesn't even have a name, but in my dreams I am so incredably happy. She is just so perfect.
I only have these dreams very rarely but when I wake up I get really sad and down for the next few days as I realise that the happiest I ever am is with a imaginary women, that I can never truely be with.
Anyway the day after my most recent dream with her I was again really down and my girlfriend picked up on it and asked my what was wrong, I didn't think that a fake girl would have any effect on my real girlfriend so I told her about the dream girl.......things didn't go as I had thought.
TERRAOperative: You *always* describe your dream girl to match your current girlfriend. Even if you have to bend the truth a little...
I thought everyone knew this.
SimplyGrim: Amateurs these days man....
mayeslad: Like you wouldn't believe...
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1404980305 | 1405296498 | t3_2abfkx | t5_2to41 | 3 | hasni20: TIFU by thinking too much
It is a slow day at work and my mind drifted. I have come to the realization that a whole generation of some of the best actors is about to leave us. Ian Mckellen, Patrick Stewart, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Julie Andrews, Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine are all 70+ and will die in the near future. I am neither ready nor ok with that.
TheRagingBone: this is the lamest TIFU i've ever read. OHMUHGUUD! RICH PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN IMMORTALIZED IN FILM WON'T AROUND TO CONTINUE ENTERTAINING ME.
lilram17: reddiquette point number 1: Remember the human. When you communicate online, all you see is a computer screen. When talking to someone you might want to ask yourself "Would I say it to the person's face?" or "Would I get jumped if I said this to a buddy?"
Zero reason to be a douche here.
TheRagingBone: true, i overreacted. Didn't need to be all snarky with the caps and whatnot, but i totally would say that to someones face, a whole generation of the best people ever die every generation...
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1404987590 | 1405002535 | t3_2ablab | t5_2to41 | 17 | egzon27: TIFU by talking dirty to my ex
So me and my gf broke up around a month ago and I've been missing her and thinking about going back and such(yeaah shit's way too hard)so I messaged her yesterday on whatsapp and we talked for about 3-4 hours everything was going great and she told me she has put braces and that her teeth were really hurting.So as I am stupid as fuck I said "What about me giving your mouth a massage"...
The moment I sent it I fucking regretted it.
She was abit annoyed as it was a bad breakup(yeaaah I fucked it up badly)and gave me some shit for it
Boy did it come out wrong I didn't meant it in the way of a blowjob I thought genuinely massaging her teeth with my hands(I know fucking stupid)
It took me a long 30 minutes to convince her I didn't meant it that way and I was really sorry because it came out the wrong way
I am a stupid man
whimsynixie: A prime example of why thinking before texting is a great thing to do.
Sucks though!
WVGolfer: She doesn't.
egzon27: Daaamn :/
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1404988678 | 1405018972 | t3_2abm6a | t5_2to41 | 14 | lauda_lasoon: TIFU by stealing girlfriends panties and uploading them to the cloud.
This dint really happen today but a few days back but thought I'd share my fuck up with you all.
Ok well, I managed to acquire a fetish of smelling my girlfriends panties. Whenever I used stay over at my girlfriends apartment while she was away, I used to dive head on into her laundry basket whip out her freshest panties, give it a big huge whiff get extremely horny and whip out and ding dong.
Eventually one day getting fed up of hiding and doing this I confided into her telling how I loved smelling her panties and used to do all this while she was away. Her reaction was extremely horrified, she went "wtf! dude, this is so disgusting, omg! how could you eughh!!" I was devastated, dint really expect her to react this way since we have a good sex life.
A couple of days went by and she managed to forget this incident. But my fetish fucking grew even stronger. It was like fuckkkkkkkk I want a whiff of her panties, I want my fix. So this evening she calls me and says she has to go out run to office for some urgent meeting so please come over and look after the dog. It was literally like some fetish god saw me in pain, I was happy as fuck I obviously agreed.
So evening I went over to her place, she left off to go to her work. The moment I saw her car out of the driveway, I made a mad dash to her laundry basket. Fresh used panties from morning, took a whiff, ding dong. After the ding dong, had this idea, I said to myself what if I stole these panties and took em home, they'll me all mine and I could take a fraking whiff any time I want without hiding. Whoppitee whoo!! what a great idea. Nor did I steal her used panties, I even went through her underwear drawer and stole 2 of her washed panties.
So after a few hours she comes back, she tells me to stay over but I definitely cannot and run home. Now here is where the fuck up starts. I was too overwhelmed by seeing them panties with me, I decide this heist needs to be recorded and immortalised into my history. I proceeded to whip out my cellphone and take pics of the panties, while completely forgetting that whenever I take a photo the photo gets uploaded to my dropbox account.
But wait so what, what's the fuck up here. Well, last month me and gf had gone for a weekend trip, we took photos and the photos got backed up to dropbox. On the following monday after the trip gf wants to see the pics immediately. I said Ill come over to her place in the evening and show them to her.But she went sad said she wanted to see them now, remembering I have the pics on my dropbox. I shared my dropbox credentials and she logged into my account to check the pics.
Back to the fuck up, next day in the morning after the heist GF calls up, she is enraged, giving me her choicest bad words possible. I went "honey what happened, what did I do?". She said "check your fucking dropbox account you asshole" and slammed the phone. My phone losses my grip, I realised GF must have downloaded the dropbox client and the motherfucking thing auto synced the panty pics to her PC.
TLDR: Stole girlfriends panties, took pics and uploaded them to dropbox.
CheeseFrys: I don't think she should be this freaked out. But maybe I have just been on reddit too long
[deleted]: Yeah, its not like you're hurting anyone. So what if you like how she smells, she should be flattered.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404988179 | 1404991045 | t3_2ablro | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by having camsex on omegle (NSFW)
Okay, so first a little bit of context:
I'm a single 18 year old male and I didn't have sex in about half a year since my last realtionship ended so naturally I was a bit more sensitive.
So, today (or yesterday night) I decided to have a bit fun on Omegle, it's something like chatroulette where you meet new people with common interessests and chat with them with webcam for those who don't know. I was bored and wanted to meet new people under a few tags and suddendly there was this girl with huge boobs. I can do few card tricks so I thought I'd use the situation for myself and started to do a trick and said "If I can find your card I've got a wish". Well, it was obvious she wasn't here to chat but to have some "fun" and after a few tricks she started showing me her panties and her bum.
This is where the fuck up begins.
I never did something like that so it was a new experience for me but yea, eventually she told me she'd like to "see me too ;)" and I started masturbating while she did the same. Note that I hadn't something to finish in because I wouldn't think I'd be finished after like what, 30 seconds?
So suddendly I feel the wave coming and instantly close Omegle and whoooosh, Sperm all over my T-Shirt.
TL;DR
Started masturbating, finished too fast, sperm got shot onto myself.
Spoonta: What's her id?
[deleted]: Asking the important questions.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1404991591 | 1405027711 | t3_2aboob | t5_2to41 | 86 | gift13: TIFU by choking on what I thought (or hoped?) to be a piece of candy.
As many of the TIFU's, this one didn't happen today. But I remember it like it was yesterday, that must count for something right? It happened on the 30th of December 2012.
I was studying for my exams and eating some candy to motivate/ reward myself. It was around noon when I noticed a rather strange feeling inside my throat. Figuring it was probably a piece of candy that was stuck, I drank some water and (of course) ate some more candy. It was a rather lingering feeling, not exactly painful although I felt it every time I swallowed. I could point out where it was stuck inside my throat, but nothing helped to make it go away. Drinking nor eating my lunch would help taking it down, so I decided that it had to come up. Around 3 hours after I first felt the piece of candy inside my throat, I decided to cough it up.
I went to my sink and started coughing and retching. I felt that this helped and the piece was moving from its place. Until suddenly I coughed and the piece left my body and landed inside the sink. There it was, not a piece of pink candy but a 4 cm ( 1.5 inch) large bug.
I didn’t believe what I saw myself and quickly made a picture of the bug. (https://scontent-b-mad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/s526x395/1525773_10152099397397040_2080505705_n.jpg ) After freaking out and nearly having a panic attack I decided to throw the bug in the trash so I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. When I came to the sink, the bug was gone. It was still alive and had crawled away from the spot where I had left it.
This brave little bug had made the mistake to end up in my mouth while I was sleeping. It ended up in my trachea. That is why eating, drinking or swallowing didn’t push the bug down into my digestive system. I felt the bug inside my throat for about 3 hours, but it had probably been in there for over 6 hours.
TL;DR : Something stuck in my throat was bugging me.
FFGFM: Anybody know what bug is this? It looks like Satan's spawn, and I would like to not live in the same environment AS THAT.
gift13: I haven't found out what bug it is, and obviously am curious myself.
PS: on the picture it is laying on his back, so what you are looking at is the belly of the bug.
YoraeRyong: It looks very much like a type of shield bug commonly referred to as a "[Stink Bug](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_marmorated_stink_bug)".
They are all over the place in the Maryland/Pennsylvania area. They are big, slow, dumb, and pretty harmless. They can release a foul odor if provoked or squashed.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Brown marmorated stink bug**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown%20marmorated%20stink%20bug): [](#sfw)
---
>
>___Halyomorpha halys___, also known as the __brown marmorated stink bug__ (__BMSB__), or simply the __stink bug__, is an insect in the family [Pentatomidae](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentatomidae), and it is native to [China](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/China), [Korea](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_peninsula), [Japan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japan) and [Taiwan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taiwan). It was accidentally introduced into the [United States](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States), with the first specimen being collected in September 1998. The brown [marmorated](https://en.wikipedia.org//en.wiktionary.org/wiki/marmorate) stink bug is considered to be an agricultural pest, and by 2010-11 had become a season-long pest in U.S. [orchards](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orchard).
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/r7zJOHY.jpg) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Halyomorpha_halys_lab.jpg)
---
^Interesting: [^Pentatomidae](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentatomidae) ^| [^Rice ^stink ^bug](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rice_stink_bug) ^| [^Introduced ^species](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introduced_species) ^| [^Not ^evaluated](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_evaluated)
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| 5 | 17.2 | |
1404993458 | 1405016738 | t3_2abqel | t5_2to41 | 15 | fuckmeimsofucked: TIFU by getting drunk and losing my virginity to a girl at a camp site [NSFW]
So I was visiting Italy, to bike in the mountains with my family and a friend. Naturally, we would rent a small house, so that we had a place to sleep.
The vacation was good, and we all achieved a lot of our personal goal. The very last day my friend and I decided to talk to some girls that we found quite attractive. We had some fun with them, but they were really shy and didn't seem that interested in making new friends, even though they agreed to do stuff with us. One of the girls was really mature for her age, and she was definitely at least 9/10 on.. that.. scale, ya' know.
Anyhow, we said goodbye, because they had to meet with some friends. We told them our address at the camping site, and said that they could just come over, if they wanted to do anything later. (You know what is going to happen, don't you?)
No you don't. They didn't come over, so my friend and I decided to walk to the small town, to watch football and drink a beer. Halfway there, we see the girls and their friends. They are drunk, and they are listening to loud rap-music, generally just having fun. Their friends had to go home, which just left my friend, the 2 girls, and I. My friend and I had bought 2 bottles of liquor, that we asked them to share with us, as we had to fly home the next day, and so we did. We all just sat there drinking, but one of the 2 girls (not the hot one that I mentioned earlier) decided to go home to their mutual friends. My friend, the hot girl and I were getting more and more drunk, and eventually my friend went home to our house.
The girl and I decided to have some fun, so we went to the pool site, and got naked. HOLY DAMN. Her body was so perfect. It was like that the clothes that she had been wearing, were hiding the perfectness of her forms. I gained a huge crush on her (Goddamnit, it might still be there), she was badass, her personality was just great and now she stood there, naked in front of me with that perfect body. I couldn't help by popping a condom and going at it. Not going into detail about this part, but she was more experienced that I was, so I told her that I'd follow her, and from there she kind of took the lead. It was great, don't get me wrong, I mean, I was finally losing my virginity, and with an extremely hot girl, it was almost magical.
Well the condom was pretty annoying and after about 1 and a half our of her having a good time, my on my penis was starting to hurt, and we were freezing horribly much, so we decided to hit the showers, and try to continue there. It was hard, and I am almost half a meter taller than her, so after 1 hour more, of her having fun, me getting cramps and being unable to ejaculate, we decide to try something else. I walked into another shower stall, and we talked and laughed a bit and prepared for the next session, but then we here someone at the toilet stalls (right next to the shower stalls). We were totally silent, but then someone said her name. it was the other girl, it was fine, so we opened to bathroom stalls, as she sounded extremely worried, all I could think was oh fuck, I just got cockblocked by her friend. We went together towards her, but it was when we noticed behind her (mind this is at 4 o' clock in the morning) ALL 4 of them, standing there looking at us. Not a single word was said at first, until her friend decided to break it with: "You smell like sex". We rush into the stalls again together, get dressed and look at each other. We agreed on to just walk right past them, and go outside.
So yeah. that was not the worst part, I mean a lot of people have been caught having sex by friends, right?
Well, we went back to the pool site to talk and we spot a red light at the pool. There is a fucking surveillance camera staring right at where we screwed. So not only does our friends know that we screwed publicly, the god damn camp site has a video of us, going at it in the pool. I am just hoping that it was too dark to spot who we were, or that they didn't look at all. We decided to exchange numbers and finish what we started another day, though I doubt that it will happen, unfortunately.
I have felt pretty down since that, but it helped writing it out.
Life lesson: Sex in public areas is overrated, can't wait to try it in a bed.
TL;DR: I lost my virginity starring in a 3 hour long public porn movie with a girl that I had met the same day at a camping site in a foreign country. The worst thing? I never even came.
6romperstomper9: "The worst thing? I never even came." Don't worry OP - I just did.
fuckmeimsofucked: Well i'm glad that SOMEONE enjoyed it.
| 3 | 5 | |
1405024824 | 1405171464 | t3_2abudk | t5_2to41 | 73 | Chet__Walters: My mom does this same thing, but actually says the word "knock" out loud. As if this somehow makes it better. I have avoided awkward moments of her entering my room up to this point, gotta keep the fingers crossed.
herodeath99: i just leave my door open
ssjkriccolo: I took my whole wall down
herodeath99: my house is wires a desk a bed and a lamp with no walls
ssjkriccolo: So your open door is just standing there?
herodeath99: yes
m-jay: Yes
acidrainn23: Yes
clindstad: yes
iPissPurple: Yes
ssjkriccolo: Oui
snezima23: C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER
| 12 | 6.083333 | |
1404998350 | 1405048822 | t3_2abvxx | t5_2to41 | 99 | vampiebat: TIFU when I forgot to clean up before inviting Mother over to help pack [NSFW]
This actually happened earlier today, still cringeworthy.
For the record, I'm female.
My mother offered to help me pack to move house, which I accepted. I didn't realise she'd go ape crazy on the "clean up" side of it, which to her means pulling out my furniture and vacuuming every inch of carpet. 3 years worth of our dust and things.
In her cleaning craze, she decided we needed to pull out the bed and vacuum there, too. That's cool, until I realised there was 3 years worth of my fiancé's sperm-catcher wrappers that had fallen down the back/sides of the bed (not the actual swimmer balloons, just their packets that had been ripped open with the force of a sex-crazed tornado).
The look on my mother's face as she took in the approximate amount of times I'd done the wild horizontal pole vault.....
TL;DR: clean up your room so Mum don't find no balloon (wrappers!)
EDIT: missed a )
DonkeyTooth: After her initial reaction did you tell her not to forget to clean those up?
vampiebat: Best part is... She got the vacuum and up the little foils went! Shoomp, shoomp, shoomp!!!
6romperstomper9: Except the Magnums, she picked them up by hand.
WaterChestnut3: Oops, I dropped my monster condom for my magnum dong
tofuterrors: D.E.N.N.I.S system always works ;)
| 6 | 16.5 | |
1404997254 | 1405003987 | t3_2abuiv | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by stepping in my mum's period blood
I was taking a shower and being on south coast of Australia there's recently been very windy weather. 2 minutes in, the lights began flickering rapidly and went out altogether.
Naturally, I didn't want to continue showering because the hot water would soon become cold and I also kinda have a fear of the dark. So i grabbed a towel and walked out of the bathroom to possibly grab a few candles. It was completely pitch black and I couldn't see the ground in front of me and then *squelch*. I felt my foot slide onto something slimy and very slightly warm. It took me a few seconds to process what it was before I realised that it was one of my mum's used pads that the dog had dug out of the trash and left on the floor.
"Ew, ew, ew," was my first (and only) thought as I lifted my foot and felt the blood and clots stick onto my soles. I hopped rapidly back into the shower, regardless of the lack of light.
TIL to buy covered rubbish bins.
Tl;dr : There was a black-out and on my way to get candles I stepped on my mum's used pad that the dog dug out of the trash.
DonkeyTooth: I'm so hard right now ಥ_ಥ
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Same.
| 3 | 8 | |
1404992304 | 1405026745 | t3_2abpbe | t5_2to41 | 6 | Greatbrownnorth: Tifu by thinking Ween is the perfect band to listen to stoned.
It's 4:20 am as I write this haha.
So this all culminated in the last 30 minutes. To set the mood, my best friend and I were smoking a couple of doobies and talking about the upcoming semester. For those interested it was platinum kush, because we only smoke the finest here in California. Anyway I have to be up for work in a few hours so, I decided to call it a night. He takes off and I go to bed. I listen to music while I unwind, so I play Ween's masterpiece "God Ween Satan". I'm tripping pretty cool to the music so I decided to find a link on *youtub so my friend could check it out when he got home. My stoned brain hit the text message conversation below the one I had going with him. The conversation I selected was the one I was having with my recently ex-girl I sex.
The fuck up is, that album has such titles as, "You Fucked Up", and "Common Bitch". Obviously these songs are telling some girl she is a cunt. As appropriate as they might be for the current times I was trying to build the relationship back. Not only because I want to hit that one more time, but because we have tickets to see McCartney in August, and she has them.
TL;DR got stoned and sent music to the chick I used to bone, the essentially tell her she a stupid set of met curtains. Potentially boning myself out I McCartney tickets
* youtub is not a typo, just trying to avoid copyright infringement. Those bastards at goggle will sue the shit out of me.
ZenConure: Should've sent her LMLYP
Greatbrownnorth: I sent the full album.
ZenConure: Well that's easy. Just say what your favorite songs are on there. Did you ever see them live? They did a half hour version of lmlyp as an encore a couple of the times I saw them. Really made me appreciate the song. Not too mention the heavy innuendo with an ex. A couple other ones on there are decent/easier to listen to, like Squelch, Marble Tulip, and El Camino...
Or just say you meant to send it to your buddy if that was the truth. The truth is usually the best.
Greatbrownnorth: Tell her the truth, that is a good idea. My plan was to go with pretending I didn't know what she was talking about.
I never saw them live, but I've always wanted to. I bet the Hal hour version is mind blowing.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1404998564 | 1405031998 | t3_2abw7t | t5_2to41 | 100 | ptsd_snapper: TIFU by snapping on my gf's boss.
tldr ; So, TIFU by snapping on my gf's boss, and she's either going to quit or get fired.
Backstory ; GF works at a prominent law firm as a paralegal, and has a very strange super religious boss going through some sort of mid-life crisis, and he apparently has had the hots for my gf for some time despite her making very clear that "it would never happen, ever".
GF is starting up a business on the side, and because her boss knows lots of wealthy people, texts her at 9pm last night for us both to come have drinks at the local wine bar, and that he has an investor there to pitch to. Ok, so we both go, they've apparently been there for a while, and normal conversation ensues.
Then things start going south. First, he brings up religion. Totally not the right thing to discuss with two Atheists who live in the bible belt and are seeking funding from a religious investor. Then he made some subtle comments about my gf's sexual freedom. Then he starts making comments that all but scream "I'm a rich attorney with lots of rich friends." and generally trying to put me down. Apparently this is his strange fucked up bid at breaking the gf and I up so he has a shot even though he's married and she doesn't like him like that.
Now, I generally have a long fuse, because I am a USMC Iraq combat veteran, and I have PTSD, I have worked really hard at not being quick to anger... but this guy, finally pushed a button. I tried to illustrate the absurdity of his last comment by telling him our old professional saying, "Be polite, be professional, but always be prepared to kill everyone you meet."
He jumps up, stands over me as I sit, and starts telling me to say it to his face.
PTSD kicks in, I am in instant fight mode, up on my feet ready to fucking go screaming in drill instructor voice that I would fucking kill him. He runs away and his friend gets in between and I don't do anything to him because he didn't deserve it, even though he was holding me back. I calm down and convince his friend that I'm good, won't do anything, and we leave.
Now, the gf has to either go in and resign this morning or get fired, and since I am temporarily out of a job and we are trying to start her business up finances are going to be really fucking stressful.
Anyway, gf is mad at me for snapping and because she hates men who machismo chest thump and engage in violence, but quitting this job is probably a good thing for her. I should have just left and ignored him, but you can only poke a bear so many times before it mauls you. A man has limits, you know?
The real kicker is that she probably has enough on him for a sexual harassment charges, but going up against a "good christian man, upstanding member of the community, prominent lawyer" probably wouldn't end well, so we are just letting it go.
tldr ; snapped on my gf's boss, now going to be totally broke for a while
anpassungburo: - I am a USMC Iraq combat veteran
- gf hates men who machismo chest thump and engage in violence
wat
magnomanx: Do you assume every combat veteran is going to act like a violent macho man?
anpassungburo: ~~Yes because I'm 10 years old and watched Hollywood movies where veterans drink heavily and get flashbacks in the shower, but your needlessly confrontational comment has enlightened me~~
No
mrmcmaine: To be fair your comment kind of implied that military service and being reserved are mutually exclusive qualities.
anpassungburo: - engage in violence
Was really the part I was focusing on. Not suggesting that veterans all still need a daily dose of gunfire, or go round confusing Walmart with Helmand Province or anything. Just that it seems odd for someone who 'hates men who engage in violence" to date a former Marine
mrmcmaine: I see what you mean. But I was more drawn to the mention of "machismo chest thump" part. It just *sounded* like something some anti-military nut would say.
| 7 | 14.285714 | |
1404998555 | 1405012701 | t3_2abw7c | t5_2to41 | 201 | [deleted]: TIFU by complimenting a naked stranger's ass
Me and my sister have a very strange relationship. We can go from being total bitches to each other to being incredibly silly to being very, very creepy. I wouldn't be surprised if some people around us think we're in a incestuous, lesbian relationship, based on the sheer number of sexys, hotstuffs and bootybabes we drop on each other. And don't get me started on the spanking!
So, a few days ago we were at the gym. We busted our asses (pun not intended) pretty bad and sweated like a pair of pigs on a grill. I forgot my towel so I had to wait for her in the locker room, sitting on a bench close to the showers.
This is a good place to mention that my eyesight is quite awful. I prefer not having my glasses slip around my sweaty face so I just leave them and I find eyes especially icky so compact lenses are out of the question. I also have a tendency to do or say things before thinking.
It's probably very obvious how the story goes from here. I see a girl with almost identical hair and without making sure that I wasn't going to embarrass myself into living in a cave for 2 years, I proceed to say "nice ass, guuuurl" in my ghetto-est voice possible. Keep in mind that I am half-blind and faces are all just identical blobs to me.
I was quite confused when she slowly and quietly walked away without the usual "You know it!". That is, until I saw my actual sister drying herself. My face turned white, my body froze....I'm not going there again in a while...
TL;DR: I complimented a freshly showered stranger's ass in a gym locker room, thinking it was my sweet cheeked sister.
ClassyChameleon: Oh geez. Well at least she walked away instead of confronting you about it.
[deleted]: confronting her would have been better cause then OP could have explained what happened. Instead, OP will forever be the creepy chick in the locker room to that person... and OP will never know who she is!
Guitarmaggedon: I feel like her saying "I'm sorry, I thought you were my sister!" may have been worse than no explanation at all.
[deleted]: why?
Guitarmaggedon: Because then the woman would think she has an incestuous relationship with her sister
[deleted]: Well I mean you'd also want to throw in something like "we joke around like that all the time"
| 7 | 28.714286 | |
1405005881 | 1405054328 | t3_2abyle | t5_2to41 | 3,002 | schizophrenicwalrus: Can confirm. Also have penis. Whenever I have to piss before a good ol' fap, I can tell the difference between cumming or pissing. Your boyfriend is into golden showers and pee swallowing. At least you were forgiving though, you seem like a decent girlfriend.
reddiyasena: > At least you were forgiving though, you seem like a decent girlfriend.
This seems like an inappropriate thing to say, given that you think this guy intentionally peed in her mouth without her consent, then lied about it after the fact.
I mean, if this is what actually happened (i.e., it was intentional), this would be a totally valid reason to stop seeing the guy. That's a seriously fucked up thing to do.
schizophrenicwalrus: Yeah I guess you're right. But you never know, it honestly could have been a mistake. I'm not saying it's impossible to not realize that he was pissing instead of cumming, just that I always know the difference. It happened once and she clearly seemed to have gotten over it and thinks it's funny. Obviously if it happened again it'd be a different story.
blowythrowy1: Yeah, that's pretty much how I'm taking it. Once, it's an accident. Twice? Homey don't play that shit. The only way I'm dealing with this is by laughing it off. In my eyes, it was an honest mistake.
Miznat: There is no way it was an accident unless your bf has a sensory/nerve issue going on. It is difficult for a guy to pee with a boner, the urethra is like a switch on a train track.
BadNature: >It is difficult for a guy to pee with a boner, the urethra is like a switch on a train track.
Not so.
Source: Penis owner.
GlowInTheDarkDonkey: Wow, look at you getting downvoted but Mr Can't Piss With A Boner gets upvoted.
What the fuck is wrong with you retards? If you really can't piss with a boner go to the fucking doctor because you have issues.
Miznat: Are you for real? Its way harder with a hard on.
GlowInTheDarkDonkey: Did I stutter? You should see a doctor. It's simply not any more difficult for plenty of men to piss with a hard-on.
If this was a discussion about pissing after ejaculation, then sure. But this isn't that conversation. An erection doesn't suddenly stop a normal male's ability to urinate.
Miznat: You're ill informed. Your external and internal urethral sphincter connected to the bladder closes before orgasm and during orgasmic contractions respectively. It is LITERALLY not possible to orgasm and piss at the same time unless the male had prostate surgery or some other condition that would weaken it.
GlowInTheDarkDonkey: Did you even read my last post? Did you miss the entire part where I briefly touched-upon that basic fact?
But the topic at hand are erections and urination. Erections are mutually exclusive from orgasms. You can have an erection and urinate. This is a fact, whether you believe it or not.
If your parts stop working normally the moment you get an erection then that's your issue to deal with. Your circumstances don't extend to other males.
Or are you trying to suggest that I don't know how my own penis operates? Or perhaps my memory is broken and in fact I have never in my life urinated with an erection? Pick your poison, but either choice is patently wrong.
Check yourself because it is you who is ill informed, as well as lacking in ability to read short posts leading to your own posts which reflect the same information that was just provided to you.
Lucarian: > Or perhaps my memory is broken and in fact I have never in my life urinated with an erection
When I pissed with a full on erection it legitimately took me 2 minutes of straining to get the stream flowing, despite feeling like I was going to wet myself prior to the erection.
GlowInTheDarkDonkey: I have NO doubt that there are people out there who can't muster a dribble, but that is certainly NOT the experience of all men. It's simply not the case at all.
When someone wants to say men can't piss with an erection... no. Wrong. It doesn't have to be made any more complicated than that because it's not like the men who CAN urinate when erect are some lost tribe of erect-pee'ers dwindling into extinction and thus of so low numbers as to be negligible, therefore to state that you can't pee when erect is more or less a true statement. It's not. It's not true at all.
I mean, shit, already in here we have myself and at least one other person who have straight away said "this is patently wrong". I have no reason to believe that we are the only two who can urinate when erect. It's entirely possible we have somehow managed to cross paths (but never streams) and this was some type of serendipity.
But, I don't believe so.
Lucarian: No one in this line of comments said it was impossible to pee with an erection, just difficult.
GlowInTheDarkDonkey: Substitute anywhere I have mentioned impossible or anything resembling that, with the word difficult. It's still correct.
I don't know why it takes this many posts to argue a simple fact... men can piss, EVEN EASILY, with an erection. This has nothing to do with aiming, and nothing to do with post-ejaculation urination. This is Erection + Urination != Difficult for all men. It's just not a factual property of being male.
[This post is just wrong.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2abyle/tifu_by_giving_my_boyfriend_a_blowjob_nsfw/citqdjn)
Although I'm sure I would have an extreme issue urinating in my partners mouth, it would have nothing to do with anything physical, and certainly nothing to do with an imagined "train-track switch" urethra.
| 15 | 200.133333 | |
1404999880 | 1405009187 | t3_2aby07 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Mazzy1978: TIFU by drinking my beer from the can instead of a glass.
So when the can was almost empty i had to tilt my head back to get the last drop and saw the spiderwebs on my ceiling.
Now that i've seen, i have to clean.
[deleted]: What's wrong with spiders? They are good insects, well except for the Sydney funnel-web spider, Brazilian wandering spider, Brown recluse, and all those other aggressive spiders that carry neurotoxic and necrotic venom.
Mazzy1978: Nothing wrong with spiders at all. I'm blaming the beer. You see, if i wouldn't have had that beer then the spiders would've still had a home.
It's the beer.
Voyager5555: Still doesn't make any sense.
Mazzy1978: Normally when a human encounters rather large, old, dusty spider webs in its home, the human will clean said large, old, dusty spider webs.
This human /u/Mazzy1978 hadn't noticed these spider webs until /u/Mazzy1978 drank a beer from a can and tipped *it's* head.
So instead of enjoying *it's* beer, /u/Mazzy1978 couldn't help *itself* from removing these large, old, dusty spider webs.
It's not a major fuck up but it was the biggest one for me *today*.
| 5 | 1 | |
1405002480 | 1405014463 | t3_2ac1yr | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing Maplestory too much
So a few years ago, in year 6, there was and still is a game called Maplestory. For those who don't know what it is, it's a 2D MMORPG in which you kill monsters, and I found it quite fun. And in this game, there are things called party quests, where you join with other people in a party to defeat boss monsters. I had already been playing for and hour and a half, (and you have to understand, some types of parents these days are really strict on gaming) when my dad comes into my room and tells me to turn it off. However, there I was, completely overwhelmed by the game. Obviously, I did not quit as I was fighting a boss. So after 5 minutes, he comes in again and this time asks me to quit a little louder. He does this two more times until he starts threatening to throw my laptop on the ground. None of his threats have been executed, so I did not expect anything more from this one.
Until he picks the laptop up.
I guess it must have been the 'heat of the moment'. I have never sworn at my parents before, but when it looked like my dad was going to drop my laptop, I cried a little on the inside. And then I said it.
'FUCK OFF!'
My head got the better of me and the laptop came crashing down. And then I cried. And refused to talk to my dad for a few days.
And btw, the broken laptop is still in the house. PM me for computer parts
Whatevs_Mang: I play Maplestory too, but now I'm a grown man playing maplestory. at least my dad wont smash by laptop, only my soul with looks of dissapointment and shame
greendemon68: Windia, checking in. Actually i gave it up about a year ago or so... Still some good memories.
Whatevs_Mang: My original account was Arrows on Scania, back when the game first came out from Beta (which I played for a month or so). I got it to level 68 and realized the game was giving me stress problems. My friends forged on without me and hit level 200 like jackasses.
greendemon68: I took my Paladin to level 200 and thought I had accomplished something.. but with level 160's out damaging me and the patch that raised the max level beyond 200, I was done. Still had fun at the time, though.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1405003585 | 1405016156 | t3_2ac3nu | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by stopping to watch people have sex in a car. NSFW
On the way back from the cinema with a friend when we spot a car with steamed up windows and some tell tale movements.
Naturally, full beams go on and we stop to take a good look. Two guys were going hell for leather on my sister.... I nearly crashed trying to get away.
This was yesterday, I'm scared to see her.
AmerikanInfidel: Sure...
pm_me_hand_bra_pics: It's true if you want to believe.
Sometimes it's more fun that way.
PM_me_yo_c_cups: How's your username going for you?
pm_me_hand_bra_pics: Probably about as well as it's going for you.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1405001288 | 1405031885 | t3_2ac03w | t5_2to41 | 46 | pee_girl: TIFU by peeing all over my bedroom.
So, this actually happened the other day, as with most TIFUs.
I had woken up very early in the morning, and, trying to avoid waking my very angry mother before work, and being too lazy to sneak around to our downstairs bathroom, I had the perfect idea to pee into a pint glass.
I'd had a lot to drink the night before, so I nearly filled the whole thing, and placed it on my shelf near the door, so I would remember to clear it up as soon as I woke up later in the day.
A couple of hours when I awoke, I realised that somehow, I was bursting for the loo again! I ran naked through the house to the toilet and did my thing. Returning to my room, I have some trouble opening my door- it feels like the hangers on the back of my door are stuck on something. Dazed and confused after a bad sleep, I decide that the best way to regain entry to my room was to push.
TIFU by launching a pint glass of my own urine all over my room- on the bed, the carpet and some of my clothes.
suigenic: At least you didnt piss off your mother. Urine trouble about your clothes, though.
Mobyh: Someone give him gold
ScissorKid: You do it.
Mobyh: Im poor
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1405006525 | 1405031949 | t3_2ac8g1 | t5_2to41 | 96 | FireantInfestedAnus: TIFU by wiping my anus with fire ant-infested moss
Actually, it was yesterday since I didn't have any Internet connection in the middle of nowhere and it was late when I came back home.
So I was going alone on a overnight trip into the Norwegian woods/mountains (yeah, a mix between those two describes the area well) without toilet paper because I though "Nah, I'll manage waiting until I get home to take a dump".
So there I was sitting, eating some delicious beef stew cooked over the fire. And shortly after the dinner and a cup of bloody strong black coffee, my stomach started working like crazy. Then I realized I had to take a dump! I feelt the tip of the massive cable inside of me touching my underware so I grabbed the nearest thing I saw which could be used to wipe my butt, which was some moist moss.
I rushed into the bushes and laid a dump. Then I of course wiped my anus with the moss I had gathered and "dug" out the rests from my anus by pushing the moss inside my anus with my finger and scraping any excess poop out, which I use to do. But I had made a huge mistake. The moss I had gathered was full of fire ants which I didn't notice in the rush. If they already were inside the moss when I picked it, or if they infested the moss when I laid the moss on the ground while taking the dump, I don't know. I felt them biting in my but crack, around my anus and of course inside of my anus where I used the moss to dig out the poop... The pain, the burning pain inside of my anus was way worse than the following hours after my first Taco Bell experience. There I was, in the middle of nowhere yelling like crazy while throwing my pants and underware off to scrape away the fire ants with my hands.
I think I got rid of most of them. But after the painful incident, I walked home as the woods isn't a place for me.
Now, a day later I still feel the pain...
Jesus_Faggot_Christ: Norway has fire ants?
FireantInfestedAnus: Yes, I think it's what you Americans call Fire Ants. But we call them "pissmaur" which translates to "pee ant". They bite you and then they "pee" acid on the bite or something like that.
geomagus: You encountered these:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formicinae
While individually painful, they aren't the same thing as fire ants (different clades). http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_ant
When Americans refer to fire ants, we specifically refer to the invasive subspecies. Not all stinging members of the fire ant clade behave the same. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_imported_fire_ant
I recommend you google a fire ant swarm videos. The are quite impressive. Also neat, raspberry crazy ant swarm videos. These suckers are driving fire ants out of areas they share, and can cause serious damage, but aren't as painful.
FireantInfestedAnus: They are red, about 7-8 mm long and they build nests out of old fallen pine nedles.
geomagus: That fits a couple different formicine ants. I don't know enough to give you species names, but formicine ants lack a sting and instead exude formic acid (the burn you felt).
In contrast, red imported fire ants are at the small end of the fire ant spectrum, 2-4 mm, and the sting. They bite down and rotate around the bite, stinging as they go. Solenepsin is their venom, rather than Formica acid.
| 6 | 16 | |
1405005643 | 1405011361 | t3_2ac6zs | t5_2to41 | 3 | ninjayaki: TIFU by watching porn over my unis VPN network
Well. This happened. I have no idea what will happen, if anything at all. Laughed at my own stupidity :/
djskidd: Virtual Private Network network?
ninjayaki: Yes O_o
| 3 | 1 | |
1405009881 | 1405012552 | t3_2ace14 | t5_2to41 | 23 | UWbadger23: TIFU by thinking I got revenge
This happened years ago but I recently came to know reddit so I figured this was a good place to post it.
My uncle had a tendency to whack me on the ass whenever he walked by me (I'm a male). It was not in a sexual way, just something he did then walked away making me wonder who it was that hit me. (like tapping on someones' shoulder). He lived in New Jersey, so we only saw him when he came to visit us in Wisconsin. One day, while browsing movies in Blockbuster (yeah that's how long ago this was), I saw my uncle checking out the new releases. Finally I had my chance for revenge. I quietly made my way up to him. His back was turned....perfect. I wound up with all my strength and slapped him on his ass as hard as I could. I finally got him! Well I thought so, until the dude turned around and I realized it was not my uncle at all. I had just spanked a complete stranger in the ass as hard as I could as my family, including my uncle, watched me from the other side of the store.
[deleted]: Did he turn around and ask you what you were doing later?
UWbadger23: He did mention something about having candy in his van....
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1405011133 | 1405025190 | t3_2acg7b | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing with word magnets.
So yesterday, my co-worker gave me some beer themed fridge magnets. This morning my boyfriend and I were making breakfast in the kitchen and generally goofing around. We have a running joke where I make fun of him for allowing no "wonder" or "magic" in our lives (although to be fair its mostly him coping with me wanting to do silly shit like buy an expensive painted portrait of a pug riding a tricycle). As part of this joke, I arranged the fridge magnets to say, **"No happiness here only a dark and bitter bouquet of S A D"**, which I found very clever considering I only had beer themed words to work with. So I set it and forget it.
A few hours later, I hear some commotion going on with our roommate and his girlfriend who is at our place almost every day. Apparently she had went to grab a bottle of water, suddenly became emotional, and ran to the bathroom to sob. "Well that's bizarre", I thought, thinking nothing of it. Then it dawned on me.
For as long as I've known the girl, I've always suspected her to be bulemic. It was probably a bit odd, to say the least, for her to see that particular message on the refrigerator.
...shit.
*UPDATE:* After holing up in their room for awhile, roommate emerges to tell me she's confessed her bulemia to him. She confessed because she assumed one of us found out and were taunting her with word magnets. It's confirmed. I'm a dick.
Cooljoe95: That's a strange sentence for you to spew out in the morning.
roxys4effy: Pug portrait pictures?
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405011034 | 1405067577 | t3_2acg0n | t5_2to41 | 308 | Honesty_Addict: TIFU by encouraging my partner to talk dirty.
So this actually happened a little while ago, but it's one of my favourite stories.
Earlier in the day, I (male) tell my partner (female) this theory about male recovery time after sex, and how it's shortened if another girl comes in - as if the brain is saying "Oop, better spread your seed!". I bring it up like this:
"I read this interesting theory about male recovery time after sex. Like, you know it usually takes around 10-15 minutes for me to get hard again after I come? Apparently that is totally negated if another sexual partner gets involved."
"Really? Huh. That's interesting."
So, a few hours later, we're going at it, as you do, and she starts very obviously wanting to say something. I encourage her. This exchange happens:
-----
Her: "Well..."
Me: "Go on..."
Her: "Remember what you said earlier?"
Me: "Yeah?"
Her: "That idea really turns me on."
Me: "... *really.*"
Her: "Yeah. That's hot. That's really hot."
Me: "Do go on."
Her: "I'd love to make you come and then for the door to open..."
Me: "Yeah..."
Her: "And for this other guy to come in. And he'd just fuck me, hard, until you're ready to go again."
Me: "Uh..."
Her: "Fuck, that's so sexy."
Me: "I think you might have misunderstood the nature of the study."
----
Then I laughed. A lot. She got really embarrassed, so I had to explain how we'd sort of missed each other somewhere along the line.
**tl:dr** - I thought my partner was going to talk dirty to me about getting another girl involved in the bedroom. Instead I had to watch her getting off on the thought of being rammed by another guy.
TerminusEst86: I'm not sure why you thought she'd be willing to talk dirty about you boning some other chick, if you're not willing to entertain the idea of her riding some other guy.
ya_tu_sabes: Exactly. This bothers me so much. The worse part is that he laughed at her. Poor girl. How could he offer that and not even imagine the possibility of the flip side? Like he had so not considered it that it threw him off so bad that he laughed hard. Wth. That's pretty egocentric.
OP you better apologize for laughing at her and fast! You might scare her away from sharing her real kinks or getting real in bed with you! Nothing kills trust in getting real and dirty than getting laughed at in bed.
EDIT: Hey OP, I like to hope for the best but prepare for the worst which prompted the above comment but thanks to your later comments it is evident my concern was unecessary. You sound like a good guy and that's awesome. Best wishes!
Berjj: Ok, what the hell is up with people bashing OP?
- OP explained a theory about multiple sexual partners, there's no mention in the original post that he actually suggested they try it, yet people seem quick to accuse him of doing so.
- OP laughed at *the misunderstanding*. I imagine that moment must've felt really absurd and tense so he probably tried to brush it off as nothing and laugh at it. She got embarrassed though, so he went on to explain how he wasn't laughing at her. I assume that includes an apology but I wouldn't know for sure. Again people are quick to call OP an insensitive asshole with very little information on their hands.
Woot45: >tl:dr - I thought my partner was going to talk dirty to me about getting another girl involved in the bedroom. Instead I had to watch her getting off on the thought of being rammed by another guy.
Right from his post. He wants to imagine another woman fucking him, but not the other way around. He "had to watch her getting off on the thought of being rammed by another guy", as if it's something disgusting - OP sounds immature as hell.
Berjj: - OP has sexual fantasies about having sex with multiple women.
- She has sexual fantasies about having sex with multiple men.
- Misunderstanding occurs. They both think they share the same fantasy. They do not. OP tries to laugh it off. Awkwardness ensues, he tries to explain himself.
Because of this OP is imature as hell? I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
| 6 | 51.333333 | |
1405012137 | 1405030982 | t3_2achyi | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: Tifu by farting
dLuR: Why is every other tifu about farting and then shitting pants
[deleted]: 1 in every 5 farts leads to shit in pants and that's a fact
mq999: You shart 20% of the time?!
yes_answers: Yes.
| 5 | 5.4 |
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