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1405012766 | 1405023777 | t3_2acj35 | t5_2to41 | 235 | OPBadgerr: TIFU by having a sleepover.
Crisis averted?
Last night I was over at a buddy's place for some drinking games. I had invited this girl over (S) who I had been taking out for around a month now and it was a jolly good time. S and I decide to walk back to my place around 1 AM because we are in no condition to drive. We freshen up a bit, grab some snacks and try to sober up. We climb into bed, put on a movie and fall asleep.
I wake up in the middle of the night drenched. Not with sweat, or sex juices, I PISSED myself. It was awful. I've never once had any problem with that when I drink, not once. The ONE time I have this beautiful girl stay over at my place and things start to get pretty intimate between us then my body decides to do the worse thing possible.
You can imagine the panic I was experiencing, I nearly had a melt down but the adrenaline kicked in and suddenly it was mission impossible. I quietly slip out of my undies and into some shorts, then I carry her out to the couch with a blanket and lay her down. She slept through all of it, at least I hope because she was making drunk girl "waa weee ahhhh mmm" noises the entire time.
I get to work, toss all of the old bedding into my closet and throw on fresh sheets and a new fleece/comforter. I check the couch and S is passed out cold STILL! I grab her, take her back into my room and lay her down back to sleep. The next morning I woke up and made us some waffles so that she would stay over for a bit and I could ask her how she slept (Just to make sure she didn't remember anything).
I'm in the clear, she slept through the whole thing, and I now feel like the luckiest man in the world.
TL;DR Cute girl sleeps over and I wet the bed.
Decaf_Engineer: At least you didn't try to blame her for it...
OPBadgerr: Well we fell asleep spooning, But I must've rolled over, it was clearly me and only on my side of the bed. She was completely dry. So yeah good thing!
Decaf_Engineer: I remember a similar story from a while back where a guy pissed the bed he was sharing with a new girl. Instead of what you did, the dude changed his clothes, peed on the girl, then woke her up and made her think she was the one who fucked up. I may be remembering the details wrong, but that was the gist of it.
OPBadgerr: Are you kidding me?? That is SO troll. What a scumbag lol.
Decaf_Engineer: Yeap, scumbag extraordinaire.
| 6 | 39.166667 | |
1405014379 | 1405015321 | t3_2acly7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | slayingomen: TIFU by giving my phone to my girlfriend's drunk dad.
Not today actually, but a few nights ago, I was shooting the shit with my girlfriend's father and mother. Fireworks from the previous night became the topic and well I just so happened to have some pictures of the fireworks on my phone! First mistake. Never give a drunk person, especially your girlfriend's father, your phone to look at fireworks pictures especially when said phone has pics of his daughter's ass on there.
TL;DR The ass was fat.
edit: spelling
Betapcbuilder: Phat*
GuyBanks: Maybe it was *fat*
| 3 | 2 | |
1405015128 | 1405015888 | t3_2acn8x | t5_2to41 | 10 | festt: TIFU by getting drunk for the first time in my life [NSFW]
Disclaimer: not a native speaker
So this wasn't today, it was 6 years ago but it's my "best" story I think.
Me and two friends of mine were really curious about what getting drunk would feel like so we decided to throw a little party. Needless to say, this party wasn't just any party. It was a party located outside in the cold behind an old little wooden building at the edge of a big field of grass where no one would spot us. The objective of the night was to get drunk regardless of the circumstances. I talked to my girlfriend that I had been seeing for about a month if she would like to join us and she said she wanted to and brought 3 of her friends, all of which had been drunk once or twice before, one being a guy that was gonna babysit the rest of us.
First of all I was way too young to get hold of alcohol through anyone so I pulled the good 'ol "stealing from the parents' liquor cabinet". To not get busted I grabbed every bottle in there and poured a tiny bit from each into an empty coca-cola bottle. It ranged from some godawful brazilian rum and scotch to some liquorice-tasting liquor and baileys, a mix I'd never manage to pour down my throat nowadays.
Me and my two friends headed to the drinking spot where we waited a few minutes for my girlfriend and her friends to arrive. As soon as we were gathered we started drinking in excitement, expectations were sky high. Finally we were gonna feel what it was like to be drunk!
About 45-60 minutes into our drinking endeavours I felt a really comfortable and nice numbness. It wasn't cold outside anymore for some reason and the liquor mix from hell was easier to drink than it was before. "Wow, this is really great" I thought while continuously checking with everyone else how they felt. I finished my liquor quickly to get my hands free so that I could fully experience being drunk. I walked around for 5 minutes and talked a bit with the others.
"so this is what it's like to be drunk, huh" I thought. At this point I was shitfaced and obnoxious. I didn't know what it was supposed to feel like though so I had no idea. This was at 9 pm
About 15-20 minutes after I finished my liquor I woke up in pitch black darkness. I heard my friends say my name. Confused as fuck I managed to remember where I was(or at least I thought I did) and asked where the girls were. I thought I was lying outside on the ground.. But to my surprise, I was lying on my friend's couch.
What. the. fuck. What happened? How did I get here?
My friends told me that it now was 5 am.. WHAT!? 5 am? it was like 9 pm 20 minutes ago!.. oh fuck. It hit me that I had gotten waay too much liquor in me.. My girlfriend had commanded my friends to keep an eye on me so that I wouldn't choke on my own vomit and now that I had woken up they asked me if I remembered anything. I did not... They started giggling. "Guys! What is so funny? What happened? What is going on?"
They told me all about the 8 hours, give or take, that had vanished from my mind. Apparently I had been obnoxious as hell and from nowhere I had pulled down my pants and said "suck my dick" to my girlfriend.
Now, mind you I was a virgin and I'm somewhat of a "nice guy".. I would never in my life do something like that to anyone I don't know really well who's on the same page. I was young and unexperienced, really a beginner when it comes to sex. My jaw dropped.. Then I thought about it for a second and realized they probably were just messing with me. "Quit messing around guys". The reply I got wasn't very pleasing... My friend said "She sucked your dick like 5 times cause you wouldn't stop pulling your pants down and telling her to do it.... and you stood next to everybody else too" Apparently she wasn't too shy at the timer either. She was more experienced than me to be fair though.. but in front of everyone?
I couldn't believe my ears.. I GOT MY FIRST 5 BJ'S AND I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER!? oh god... That I couldn't remember was the agonizing part. I sighed and laughed a bit. I still questioned if it really could've happened. Then my friends dropped the bomb on me.
"You had sex too". .. Wait what? NO! NONONO! I lost my virginity and I can't remember it!? WHAT THE FUCK! DOES THAT EVEN COUNT!?
This sounded like too much, I mean it was freaking cold outside. Would my girlfriend really? I couldn't trust my buddies so I sent a text to her asking what happened... she confirmed everything. I don't even understand how she managed to get my dick hard with me being so drunk!
Well oh well, at least I gave my friends a good laugh and got myself a story to tell. I still don't know if it counts as losing my virginity? I don't count that time when talking about it at least.
Luckily my girlfriend was really cool. This maybe sounded like she was a slut but she really wasn't. I always had to take the first step when doing sexual stuff.
Edit: English
TL;DR: Poured liquor down my throat, got my first 5 blowjobs and lost my virginity. Can't remember shit
chfr: I don't see where OP fucked up.
A better title would be "TIDFU by getting blowjobs and having sex"
festt: for the first time in my life and not being able to recall a second of it. It was really sour
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405012534 | 1405048171 | t3_2acioa | t5_2to41 | 12 | buzzingbuzz: TIFU by crop dusting my HR manager and Senior Management.
I work in a office on the top floor of a small building. I decided its time for lunch at 12, walked out into the lobby, I was alone. We only have 2 elevators and with it being lunch time it was taking longer than usual for the elevator to reach my floor. I had to fart. I said fuck it, this elevator will be here any second. I'd already been waiting a few minutes and let one rip. SECONDS after letting out one of the nastiest Hungry Howies pizza farts of my life, my HR Manager and 2 senior managers walk into the lobby. They find me and my fart cloud. The lobby has ZERO ventilation and is about 15x20. I knew they smelled it, fuck it was probably on their tongues the second they opened that door. It was disgusting. They looked at me, I looked at them. To break the ice I said "we're at rush hour this could take a while". Which in hindsight was exactly what they didn't want to hear as they bathed in the product of my lower intestine. 2 minutes later the elevator FINALLY comes. We get in, not a word was said. Naturally when reaching the ground floor we depart in opposite ways. TLDR: it's bad form to fart in the elevator lobby.
StileAndProfile: You should have looked around to the corners of the room and asked them if they smelt something. You really only have two choices, pretend there is no smell, or bring a lot of attention to it.
trampabroad: But whoever smelt it...
| 3 | 4 | |
1405007049 | 1405022371 | t3_2ac986 | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU but hey, bagels!!!!
I'm not sure if this post will be accepted here or not because it didn't happen today. It happened many, many years ago but I just recently discovered this sub and I had to share this story with you all.
It was 1999, I was 21 years old. I shared an apartment with a good friend from high school who at the time was attending the local police academy. I on the other hand was kind of taking a different route in life, I was a full time pot-smoker and was dabbling in quite a few other drugs. I know what you're thinking..."Smart choice doing drugs while living with a Cop" but it really wasn't like that. We were close friends and even though we never discussed our differences at the time, I'm pretty sure he was aware of what I was doing but just chose to look the other way. In other words he was cool with me being a fuck up. Anyhoo - One day I was hanging out with one of my drug doing friends and of course we had just gotten high. We're driving around and listening to music when he says "Hey let's go grab a bite to eat at The Bagle Shop". That was a restaurant that his brother worked at (a Bagel Sandwich place) that we frequented quite often being the Stoners that we were. So we went there, had a sandwich, shot the shit with his brother...etc etc. I would always ask his brother to hook me up with some bagels to take home and just like any other time he obliged and went filled up a grocery bag with assorted bagels. We're leaving the restaurant and my friend who was driving had something that he needed to do. Since this did take place 15 years ago I cannot remember what it was that he needed to do but I was going to go with him so I said "Yeah, that's cool...but we need to run by my apartment so I can drop off these bagels". He said "Sure, not a problem" and we headed that way. A little back story, I had just got a new pair of prescription sunglasses and they were wayyyyyy too dark. The friend that I am mentioning who was driving that day really gave me shit for how dark they were and said I looked blind. Hahah It was the truth they were hideous. So there I am, sitting in the passenger seat of my friend's car, stoned out of my mind, wearing incredibly dark nerdy sunglasses and holding a bag full of bagels like it's a baby. We pull into my apartment complex, my friend parks right in front of my apartment building and I get out of the car and tell him "I'll be right back". I walk up the stairs, checked to see if I needed my key, I didn't, the door was unlocked...I open it and walk in. I took one step into the apartment and I look up and I'm like..."Damn, my roommate must have gotten new furniture while I was gone today...hmmm, he even got some paintings and hung them up...wow, he even got a new dining room table." At that exact moment I'm thinking all of those things, a Mexican woman comes around the corner of the kitchen and into the living room and jumps a little out of fear of seeing me. It took me that long to realize I have entered someone else's apartment. Not being able to speak English she immediately starts talking to me in Spanish. I am freaked out as much as she is, I say something like" Ohhh, I'm soo sorry, um, this isn't my apartment, I thought it was my apartment, I must have went up the wrong stair case, I'm sorry, sorry" and bolted out of there. I go running down the staircase down to the bottom floor where I see my friend in the car watching me run from that staircase to my staircase...he was laughing and throwing his hands up in a "wtf!?" fashion...all the time I'm shaking my head giving him this "I'll explain in a minute" look. I rush up the correct staircase, head into MY apartment where I am met by my cop roommate. He says "What's up, bud?" I said "Oh man, listen, I just accidentally went into the wrong apartment next door and scared the hell out of some Mexican lady, dude, I'm leaving these bagels here, fuck!" and then rushed out of the apartment. My roommate was dumbfounded and speechless...I remember him laughing to himself and not saying anything as I left the apartment. So I go down to my friend's car and got in and he says "What the hell, dude?"-- I explain everything to him, hilarity ensues, we drive off.
Hours later, my friend takes me back to my apartment and drops me off. I start walking toward my apartment and I kind of chuckled at the situation that had took place earlier, not really worrying about it too much. Went upstairs and entered the apartment and my cop roommate was watching tv. Now I didn't have a cell phone at the time and I was unreachable when I was out (those were the days) so my roommate couldn't get a hold of me. He sits up immediately, "Hey man...I've been trying to find you. That lady called the cops and 2 police officers showed up asking me questions. She reported that a suspicious man, with dark sunglasses, holding a suspicious bag had entered her home...they wanted to speak with you." I was shitting bricks all night. Thankfully nothing ever happened from it, cops never came back, never saw that lady again. I told my friend who I was with everything my roommate had told me and he said "With those dark fucking sunglasses, she probably thought you were the Unabomber".
So that's that, hope you had a good laugh.
TL;DR GOT STONED AND ACCIDENTALLY ENTERED SOMEONE ELSE'S APARTMENT WHILE LOOKING HELLA SUSPICIOUS, PROMPTING A VISIT FROM THE POLICE.
SlipperyDickeryDock: I'll be the first to comment. That's way too long.
banned_accounts: Read the tl;dr then, Dickery. Shouldn't take you more than a couple minutes.
| 3 | 4 | |
1405015630 | 1405044834 | t3_2aco68 | t5_2to41 | 70 | walruslover47: TIFU by letting my bf come on my new spray tan. (NSFW)
So I got a coupon to get a free spray tan the other day,and due to me being extremely pale,I decided I would try it for the first time in my life. I got the spray tan,everything went great,and I was super excited-WELL my bf saw my new tan and absolutely couldn't help himself. One thing led to another and instead of him coming in me,he decided to come on my chest.
Apparently his come has bleach in it because now I have a HUGE white spot on my chest and my stomach and I have to go to a pool party soon. TIFU.
TL;DR I let my boyfriend come on me during sex after I got a spray tan,and now I have a huge white spot on my chest and stomach.
idontwannagrowup2: Pics or it didn't happen.
walruslover47: Oh trust me every pic I take this next week will show my shame.
rustier_trombone: We need to see those pics then.
Rezaar: Agreed. Perhaps you could show only a small spot? No need for incredible nudity to be shown off.
rustier_trombone: We have rules for a reason and one of the most important is "TITS OR GTFO". I'm willing to make an exception and trade tits for splotches. haha
walruslover47: Well my boyfriend is an extreme redditor so he will most likely see this and this isn't gonewild so I politely decline.
rustier_trombone: So you're disinclined to acquiesce to my request?
MajorTom7: Whoa, big words there man. Don't hurt yourself.
rustier_trombone: I are a smart man.
mayeslad: Or one ignorant child
| 11 | 6.363636 | |
1405018287 | 1405021422 | t3_2act2e | t5_2to41 | 7 | jaxxattacks: TIFU by forgetting to turn the heat pad off before going to sleep.
So I've been experiencing a lot of lower back pain as of late. then a few days ago I woke up to this horrible burning sensation on my lower butt cheek. At first I thought it must be some sort of tissue infection and it hurt so bad that I went to the doctor. He was examining me and asking question about my back and legs and if they have been tense or painful. Turned out that I have sciatica.
I was sent home with some tramadol and some muscle relaxers that I was to take every night before bed. He also recommended a hot bath every once in a while and to use the heat pad.
Last night I was laying in bed with my SO, both of us exhausted from working all day. I had to walk around for 5 hours for my job so I was in some pain. I take 2 tramadol and a muscle relaxer and lay down with the heat pad for a bit before I go to sleep. I read my bf stories and jokes from reddit for awhile until he doses off and I continue redditing alone.
Next thing I know I wake up in the morning and my ass is on fire. I must have fell asleep unintentionally. I really hate those muscle relaxers because they make me so drowsy. I realized that I didn't turn off the heat pad, and what's worse is that somehow through out the night I must have been wiggling around in my sleep because the cover came off the heat pad.
I try to take it off but the plastic infused a bit into the material of my panties but I manage to pry it loose. I then feel the area that got burnt and all I feel is blisters and raw skin. I look in the mirror and its all red and blistery and raw. It hurts like hell.
I as gently as I can get dressed but it burns anytime any cloth comes in contact with it. So now my ass is burnt up, the spot in my butt is still aching and burning into the muscle and my back is achy and tense. I have to go canvass for 5 hours straight in a bit. Yippie! Today's going to be fun.
Tl/dr took some pain medication and a muscle relaxer for my sciatica and fell asleep with the heat pad on and cranked all the way up. Ended up with an ass that's completely raw, full of blisters and burnt to a crisp.
mrsuncensored: I've slept with heating pads despite the warnings, I've always figured what could possibly happen? I put mine on low though if I think I might fall asleep....but after reading this I'm probably going to stop sleeping with it!! Mine is zippered shut though so I'd think it'd be really hard for the cover to come off the plastic - I wonder if anything would've happened had the cover not come off??
After physical therapy they gave me a TENS machine to take home and I use that more than the heating pad now. That has an automatic timer to shut off by itself and I've fallen asleep already with it attached but at least I wake up and the device is turned off!
jaxxattacks: I have fallen asleep with them as well before and nothing happened. Its just getting old and the snap for the cover isn't working so well anymore. A zipper cover sounds really smart, much better idea than a dinky snap button. I also had it cranked up to the highest setting. It would have been fine if the cover stayed on.
What does a TENS machine do? Never heard of that.
mrsuncensored: TENS send electrical pulses in to your muscles. You have this little handheld device that you attached electrodes to, then attach the other end of the electrodes to a reusable pad that sticks to your skin. I get pain from a surgery I had that left me with lots of scar tissue and 15minutes with the tens I can feel like new!
This is the site I've used to buy additional pads for mine, here is the link to where they explain what their devices do:
http://www.tenspros.com/FAQ_ep_40.html
Mine is similar to this, but mine was free from my physical therapist so it came in a cardboard carrying case with just a few accessories and really cheap pads. http://www.tenspros.com/Twin-Stim-2nd-Edition-TENS-EMS-Combo_p_13.html
The electrodes are fairly cheap, I go a new 4-pack and then also bought a larger butterfly one http://www.tenspros.com/Electrodes_c_11.html
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405016523 | 1405243132 | t3_2acpu7 | t5_2to41 | 16 | fourth-wall: TIFU by pissing my pants
Technically yesterday, I fucked up by pissing my pants. Oh, it gets better, ON AN AIRPLANE.
We were in the process of landing and mid-land I was like "fuck, I'm gonna piss my pants man!" to my dad. He started laughing and said that I couldn't get up because we were, you know landing. Fine, fine whatever.
I started screaming, "I'm gonna die!" referring to the pee I was going to pee and I guess the seat next to us thought my ears were popping or I was afraid of flying so they fucking HANDED ME A WATER BOTTLE. I had it, I couldn't handle it, so I pissed my pants.
Thankfully we had red blankets so after I peed I wiped it all with the blankets and just sat there.
I was wearing black so when we got off I grabbed my clothing bag and changed in the airport bathroom then showered in the hotel. Honolulu's great.
Keep in mind I am 16 so... shit.
Good times
TL;DR; Pissed my pants in an airplane and not in the bathroom, whoops.
PM_ME_YOUR_MICROWAVE: Should have just pissed on the blanket. Would have saved the pants. Or the ash tray in the armrest (if they still have ash trays).
Livxx14: Or in the water bottle. His dad could have drank it first if it was full...
fourth-wall: I'm a girl so...
does that make this worse? Haha
Livxx14: No, I am too. Now your post makes more sense!
fourth-wall: Haha yeah I don't know, I guess my username sounds male hahaha
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1405020767 | 1405103892 | t3_2acxjj | t5_2to41 | 64 | chemjester: TIFU by wearing a belt at the happiest place on earth... (NSFW, it's only text)
It all began with a day at Disneyland in California. In high school, I had the physique of a flag pole. You know the type, a tall and skinny dude. I was having a cheery ol' time. The day was coming to an end, so my group of four sat on a brick planter near Downtown Disney to wait for the rest of the group to arrive. A guy and a girl were seated on the planter, while I and a friend faced them standing, close together. The girl, who was directly in front of me, was innocent-looking and two years younger than the rest of us and I only met her that day. As I said, I am skinny, so i need to wear a tight belt to keep my pants up. After walking around all day, my pants dropped down slightly, so I looked like I was 'sagging' (I would never do this knowingly). We were having a normal conversation and my sitting friend gets this idea...
Bam! He leans over, grabs my jeans, and pantses me. Remember my tight belt? My boxers come down too. I am standing, with my trousers and undergarments around my ankles and my junk directly in the face of the seated, innocent girl in front of me. They gasp. Obviously, my face turns red as I turn my pelvis away from her, only to realize that I am facing the main walkway to the entrance of the park. I quickly realize that there is no equilibrium between the girl and the people on the semi-crowded walkway; one gets cheeks, while the other gets junk. quickly, I reached down and pull my pants up, but they stop at the cheeks. O' good god. Time stands still... I pull the end of the belt out of the belt loop, undo the buckle, loosen the belt, undo the pants button and then...... finally.......... pull up my pants. My pantsing friend is loudly laughing his ass off. The other, stunned speechless. The girl's face is so red that it could be mistaken for a big tomato. I swear it took a good 30 seconds of me hopping around and yanking on my pants to accomplish the task. It's done. I'm tolerant of pranks, so I take a deep breath with an angry smile on my face begin to lecutre at the prankster, "Oh my goodness!!! How could you??! Blah.. Geez blah blah blah..." Ahhhhhh... good times. Embarrassing times, but funny times.
EDIT: This guy was not a dick. It was the first and only time he did anything of the sort. It was an honest, funny accident.
TL;DR - I unintentionally put my willy in a girls face and in the view of the Disneyland goers.
scPolecat: 1) you need to be a little more angry than that. You don't pants people in public.
2) lawyers of reddit, could he get in trouble? any kind of indecent exposure or anything? there are a lot of minors and parents around at Disneyland..
Ah_Q: 2) Could OP get in trouble? I doubt it. Under [California law](http://codes.lp.findlaw.com/cacode/PEN/3/1/9/8/s314), which would apply because OP was at Disneyland, you can't get in trouble unless you expose yourself "willfully and lewdly." OP did not willfully expose himself.
EDIT: The California Supreme Court has [described](http://law.justia.com/cases/california/cal3d/7/362.html) the "lewdly" standard as follows: "a person does not expose his private parts 'lewdly' within the meaning of section 314 unless his conduct is sexually motivated." So OP would be fine unless he started jerking it in front of the Pirates of the Caribbean or something.
Silverlight42: Does helicoptering count as a lewd gesture?
Ah_Q: Strangely, I couldn't find any precedent on point. I did, however, come across this case:
>Defendant's act of exposing his penis in anger during an incident of "road rage," accompanied by the comment, "suck [my] dick," can reasonably be characterized as an act undertaken for the purpose of *sexual* affront. Accordingly, substantial evidence supports defendant's indecent exposure conviction.
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1405022029 | 1405038948 | t3_2aczwf | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by spending an evening at the strip club
On a Thursday night I finished up working as I normally do. It was a long day preparing for an important meeting with the CEO of a prospective client, which was scheduled for 8am the next morning. I had no plans for the evening, so I decided to stop in at my local pub for a pint or two and to chat up a couple of the staff (I'm pretty much a regular there and they always take good care of me). I got down to watching some soccer with my beer and ended up having a couple more drinks than I'd planned on. Just as I paid my bill and am preparing to leave, a couple buddies march in the front door and sit down at the bar. I make a feeble attempt to turn down the beer they bought me while I was in the bathroom, but ultimately end up staying for another couple pints. By this point I realize I'm not driving myself home, nor am I overly confident I'm going to make the 2-3km walk to catch the bus in any reasonable amount of time. Being a good friend, one of my buddies offers me a ride home, so we get in his car and head out. Unbeknownst to me, he and my other buddies had a completely different plan in mind...
We pulled up to the strip club, and it honestly takes me a minute or two once we get out of the car to realize I'm not at home, and it appears that I'm unlikely to be there any time soon. I make a pretty pathetic attempt to get him to drive me home, but I guess the prospect of scantily clad women won out, so in we went. From what I gather we had a fun time at the club, though my memories are more than a bit hazy. I woke up on my buddy's couch at 6am the next morning, with my head telling me that I'd had too much to drink, and my wallet pretty much confirming it. I’m hung over about as badly as can be and look pretty damn rough, but it’s Friday, and I plan on taking off once I get through the meeting I have at 8. My buddy drives me back to my car and I make my way into the office, where I put on my emergency "night-out" change of clothing and head off to the meeting.
I walk into the meeting room and my boss introduces me to the CEO of the company we're meeting with, who is a prospective customer. As I go to shake his hand, I look down and notice something a bit off about my palms; they're as orange as a pumpkin. Apparently some of the talent at the club had been wearing lotion with a bronzer. As I look up the CEO is also staring at my hands and I start to stutter in an attempt to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why I appear to have jacked off an Oompa Loompa. All I could get out was something along the lines of “My, uh… girlfriend spilled a bottle of self-tanner last night and I was, uh, helping her clean it up.” Phew, I had saved myself! Of course my boss then pipes in with “But you don’t have a girlfriend!”. Thanks, boss man. Thanks.
With some bleach and a couple hours of scrubbing I was finally able to peel away enough skin that my hands were almost back to normal, but I'm pretty sure my friends will never let me live it down.
TL;DR Had a fun night at the strip club, and ended up getting a tan I wasn't expecting.
loudmaps: I didn't realize there were any places left that let you touch the talent.
Sc00termcgee: Oh, Canada!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405024203 | 1405026425 | t3_2ad3ur | t5_2to41 | 5 | Mynameisshadow: TIFU by being too over confident.
Not even gonna use a throwaway for this, yolo.
Okay, so recently I have been going through a bad break up. I've been trying to work it out whilst she does not, and lives her life happily, contributing to my stress and not eating. It's been a couple of days since we talked, and the sadness and stress has caused me to not eat. I had been considering the military for a bit, so I figured "Hey, what a better way to get stuff off my mind then to hang out with some bros? Heck yeah! Workout and stuff!"
Whelp. Most of them are pretty douchey, with some nice ones mixed in, but I had been suffering stomach pains before even going. Around 100 sit ups and push ups, and a 300 yard sprint, I began throwing up. All of the water I drank, then some dark liquid, and it just made me feel like I had to get out of there. So what do I do? Say I had a stomach flu, and had a job interview in 30 minutes. Horrible excuses to leave (except the stomach thing was sort of real. Ended up being teased, not too bad though, and I'm nervous to even go back. Fuuuuuu.
tl;dr went to workout with some people for military PT, haven't been eating right, threw up and bailed.
[deleted]: ehh you will be fine. us military folk bond over making fun of each other for stuff. its what makes you part of the group. unless they start getting carried away, and then you must exert your dominance over them. I hear urine works wonders at that
Mynameisshadow: Will make sure to pee on them all. Including the SGT.
[deleted]: make sure its a strong manly blast though, if its just a piddly thing you wont hear the end of it.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1405024007 | 1405048625 | t3_2ad3ho | t5_2to41 | 39 | BlatantConservative: TIFU by literally baptizing a microphone and then swearing at some passing clergy.
A bit of background. I work at my church, setting up microphones and running the soundboard Sunday mornings. Great job, nicest people on the face of the planet, always telling me that I'm not recognised enough and giving me little gifts. And the actual work isn't that hard, although you do have to have a little technical skill. Although, there are a lot of old people always complaining about any and every sound.
This particular story happened when I was around sixteen.
On this one Sunday, I had to show up early (5 30 AM) and set up everything for a baptism. Because we don't do baptisms every week, when we do its an all hands revolution. We have to move the altar (a big, solid wood table, takes four people to move it), open up the little four foot deep baptism pool we have under some panels, and reorganize all the instruments and everything.
We get all that done, but now there's a giant pool in the middle of where I work. And because we are running late, I decide to bring the wireless mic packs [like this](http://imgur.com/6kF6Rp1) to the pastors instead of leaving them on a little table like I usually do.
So I'm walking by the pool, holding an amp in my right hand and one wireless mic pack in my hand with two other candle sized microphones for the choir. Also, I'm groggy because I essentially just woke up.
Because I'm an idiot for doing that, I drop the wireless pack into the baptism pool. It splashes, bubbles for a second, and then sinks to the bottom.
I scream "SHIT" really loudly, and then look around.
There are two pastors, a full sized choir, and several really devout early church members just staring at me. I just stand there, holding my surviving equipment, wondering what kind of situation I've gotten myself into.
I snap into action, half to get myself out of that awkward situation, and put everything down (including keys, wallet, cell phone, etc) and jump into the pool to save the microphone and get it to safety. I fish it out, and then send a picture to my boss of the dripping mic in front of the pool, with a text saying "I messed up. Bad."
He comes over to the altar from another building in our church, finishes setting up everything else, while I'm in a bathroom with our emergency rice trying to salvage the $600 microphone. I failed.
At the end of the day, it all turned out okay though. The church wouldn't even let me pay for the destroyed microphone, even though I offered. Everyone I swore in front of thought it was hilarious (I got a lot of "you should have seen the look on your face"). And most impressively, my boss got everything in the building set up in time (even a replacement mic) while working by himself and running late.
To this day, he has a screenshot of my text and that picture printed out and hung up in his office.
I have more fuck up stories from this church, if enough interest is shown.
chemjester: At least it went to heaven when it died...
NAVI_WORLD_INC: Anytime anyone drowns in holy water, it's an automatic trip to heaven.
| 3 | 13 | |
1405025549 | 1405026454 | t3_2ad6bg | t5_2to41 | 7 | MistaCrazyCat: TIFU by getting in an argument.
So it was a nice day, birds chirping, sun shining until my friend came along... Lets call him Ethan. Ethan is one of my best friends, well, was one of my best friends. We got in a small argument which evolved into a bigger argument. We had this argument on our little friends hang out group chat thingy so all of my good friends could see what was going on. I'm not going to say what we argued about because fellow redditors would call me a little bitch so I'm not. Anyway, we had this argument then all of my good friends got involved, and they were on Ethan's side. Shit. Of course, the normal thing to do was to fight back, so I did... then it got worst.
So i'm just sitting there texting at 100 miles an hour trying to solve this problem, and with my luck; it got worst. So i'm sitting here thinking: shit, what the hell am I supposed to do. And my dumb ass brain thought of an idea: ASK REDDIT! On the appropiate subreddit of course: TIFU. So reddit, give me suggestions on how the hell i'm supposed to fix this. This litterally happend 2 hours ago. TIFU.
kingzero1: So, how are we supposed to help you fix this if we don't know what it is you are talking about or arguing about? How can we give advice? This entire TIFU seems worthless. If you want help, stop being a "little bitch" and tell us.
ChokeMeiLikeIt: Having this problem with something at some time at that one place. please help
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405026904 | 1405120299 | t3_2ad8oq | t5_2to41 | 108 | perfunctificus: TIFU by using the wrong tool for the job (NSFW pic)
This day was almost a year ago. I am a woodworker and knifemaker, I am 29 and have been doing this sort of thing since I was 10 or so. I started doing the knives about 4 years ago and now it's my main craft/hobby. Finding good wood for handle scales can be difficult and expensive, particularly when it's already cut into the thin pieces you need for a knife handle. It is cheaper to buy blocks and cut them yourself, so that's what I started doing.
The ideal tool for this job is a bandsaw, which I didn't have. So, I figured out what was needed to do it on a table saw. The main thing you need is what's called a zero-clearance insert. Basically it's a piece that comes right up to the blade, so that your thin pieces wont fall down into the saw and get shredded. I made one out of wood (which is normal) and it worked like a champ... for a while. I was cutting up a block and got right down to the end. This is by far the sketchiest part. I was using a "buddy-block" which is another piece of wood you use to feed the piece through the saw. All was well, although my hand were a little closer than I like to the blade, everything should have been fine. Then, it was like a bomb went off in front of my face.
I had to reconstruct later what happened. The insert I had made was apparently inadequate, and at the moment I pushed the wood block to where it was all the way on the insert, the insert cracked in half long-ways, and the insert, block, and my buddy block all sucked down the new hole in the table. My hand was, of course, on the buddy block. I'm not sure if it was the movement of the buddy block or just reflexes resulting from the noise and violence, but my hand "touched" the blade. Here are the results.
http://imgur.com/a/pMWHM [Warning: Gore]
I've been hurt a lot from riding mountain bikes and motorcycles, but I count those as the cost of doing business. This one was decidedly a FU.
Prospekt01: God damn that looked nasty. I broke two fingers with a forklift fork. But luckily I still have both my fingers. Though one kinda looks funny.
perfunctificus: I thought my middle finger should be okay, most of the meat was still there. Unfortunately the blade completely vaporized the bone, there were just a few little shards left.
Prospekt01: I think I just had a mental gag. The fork crushed my fingers between itself and concrete (it snapped down on my fingers as I was adjusting it). I managed to pull my hand out in time I think. Broke the tips on my left middle and ring finger.
TL140: I have a bad forklift story.
I work in maintenance and me, my boss, and a fellow tech was moving a 12000 lb machine on a fork truck. Little did we know that it was under rated at 10k lbs. We had to put a pallet jack on the other side to move it. My boss was on the jack, the tech on the fork truck. We were not suppose to be moving machines but no one knew that, including my boss man. The foot of the machine came off and I dont remember if my boss man or the fellow tech told me, but i heard someone yell "put the foot back on". Only 20 years old, not having much training at all, and my first week on the job, I did as i was told. As He held the machine up on the lift, he watched as I begin trying to thread the foot back on... well at the last moment, i realized it was a ball joint and the nut was fashioned to look like it was threaded. The tech looked to the other side as i was still under it and let the machine down. The foot went on all my fingers but my thumbs and I pushed inwards and screamed bloody murder. He got the lift off and long story short, by some mirical, I only suffered blood blisters on all my fingers where the blood was squeezed out and a major laceration on my right middle finger where it literallyy "popped". no broken bones.
Prospekt01: Shit you got lucky.
TL140: i agree that I did. I cant bend my middle finger like i used to, but I can still bend it. If i make a fist, My middle fingernail will show because I cant clench it all the way. Speaking of fingernails, the accident happen April 14th and I still am losing fingernails. Day before yesterday my left index nail was hanging off me so i pulled it off
| 7 | 15.428571 | |
1405028397 | 1405092881 | t3_2adb7v | t5_2to41 | 37 | idrathernotbutifidid: TIFU by traumatizing my fiance with my penis
My fiance of 6 years (engaged 2 - together 6 total) and I were both virgins when we got into the relationship, now (f28) and (m25). I used to be extremely socially awkward and never had a relationship before the one I'm in. She sexually abused as a child and still has issues in that she would always break off relationships before they got sexual. She also isn't willing to try much as a result. She also has an extreme aversion to pain and a crippling fear of pregnancy which makes intimacy more about sex ed than actual intimacy.
Well about five years in, we actually have sex for the first time. We just did hand stuff, and I did oral before that. Seems to go well, we enjoy it, start trying more. Well after a few times, we are fooling around drunk, having a great time, and as we're getting started she suddenly cries out and starts yelling at me. Apparently she tore a little.
Well, we wait for her to heal, and when we try again, same thing. Except this time she kicks the shit out of my hip and starts screaming at me. After a while we are arguing about sex (which happened frequently) and she screams, "I'm done with sex forever!" When we have discussed it since, she only says that she, "has some issues to work though."
And that's the story of how I haven't had sex, or any contact related to sex, or much physical contact at all in over a year.
WPBDoc: She needs to talk to a doctor and a therapist. I've actually counseled two young couples who have had similar problems. They both eventually overcame the issues and both of them now have two beautiful children each. You are going to need to love her through this and be patient. Love is about a lot more than sex, but sex is -- without a doubt -- very important. In the end, you can and will be an important part of her healing. Until then, try to work out a compromise where she takes care of your needs one way or another. The intercourse will come in due time. Hang in there!
rxcowboy: Love is more than sex but if she's not willing to work on her issues and she's fine with her partner being miserable then that isn't a healthy loving relationship.
idrathernotbutifidid: There's definitely more to love than sex, or we wouldn't still be together after so long. The problem is that she has basically abandoned all physical affection so as to, "not give me the wrong idea." The problem is compounded by our schedules which are wildly different so that we don't actually get to spend that much time together.
Its just incredibly frustrating to go to school and work with a number of very attractive women that share my interests, chat and flirt with me, in some cases have disclosed that they were interested in me romantically or physically, and then go home to a woman that I love , and loves me, but can't meet any of my other needs.
rxcowboy: You aren't happy, the problem isn't you, and rather than deal with her past she's withholding all physical affection so you don't get ideas.
What about this seems right to you? Have you encouraged her to go to therapy? Have you offered to go to couples therapy? Have you explained how you feel and how the relationship isn't meeting your needs and it probably isn't healthy for her either?
idrathernotbutifidid: We've discussed it during fights. We can't afford therapy for her, I may be able to get couples therapy through my school, and she would consider it but didn't see how it would help.
It doesn't seem right to me. Every time we get to a point where we might split, she tries so damn hard to get me to stay because I'm fairly certain she would fall apart if I left. She has said things to that effect.
I also feel guilty because it seems like I'm abandoning her because of sex, and I'm fairly certain I'm traumatized at this point as well.
rxcowboy: There are free therapy options for low income people in most cities, I took advantage of them in mine. There are also support groups that are free.
Dude, I'm going to be blunt. You know this isn't working because you've already tried breaking up with her. She's not getting better and she'd using guilt and the threat of her falling apart to keep you there. That's a weapon of manipulation.
You obviously have a good intellect if you're in law school, take a step back and ask yourself if nothing changes would you still be happy in this relationship a year from now?
idrathernotbutifidid: I will have to look in to these.
This is a good point. I really can't believe that this has been going on this long. Being crazy busy kind of distracts you I guess. I started going to the free counseling at my school myself because of this and some other issues, but then my summer schedule changed and I haven't been since May.
It takes me a long time to get to the point where I can end relationships (falling out with a friend for example). I seem to attract crazy people and I feel like I'm abandoning them even if they are detrimental to me.
The "sunk cost fallacy" springs to mind.
rxcowboy: I'm the same way with relationships man, since I used to view myself as damaged I would be attracted to other damaged people and two dead batteries can't start a flashlight.
I don't know what city you live in but just google free mental Heath resources and ask your school counselor too, they might be able to help.
Speaking for myself, I didn't start to grow until I confronted my past. If you're providing a relationship where she doesn't have to work on herself, you're enabling her and actually doing her a disservice.
The good news is people can heal and move on! I went from being a suicidally depressed broke drug addict to having a great job, awesome wife, beautiful kids who I love dearly, house, car, etc. if I didn't confront my past I'm positive I would have finally pulled the trigger and blown my head off years ago.
inevitabled34th: Congratulations on finally being able to get your life together. I'm currently battling suicidal depression and anxiety. God speed.
rxcowboy: Hang in there bro, there's a light at the end of the tunnel for everyone. It takes a lot of work to get there but holy shit it's worth it.
inevitabled34th: Thanks! I'm actually starting school this fall. I haven't 100% decided what to do yet, but I'm 99% percent on one thing, just need to make sure it what I really want. Say, just out of curiosity, how long ago did you manage to go from drug addict to married with kids and a good job?
rxcowboy: I stopped getting high September 27, 2009. Met my wife three years ago, been married almost two years. We have two children together and she has two kids from before so now I'm a father of four and she's a stay at home mom.
She and I laugh because both of us have fucked up pasts but now we look like the most stereotypical middle American nuclear family ever.
inevitabled34th: Can you also explain what people mean when they say "nuclear family"? You guys building bombs or something? If so, I want in.
| 14 | 2.642857 | |
1405033704 | 1405050807 | t3_2adk2k | t5_2to41 | 8 | MrCuriousCat: TIFU by being a ignorant fatass
To start, this happend quite a while a go and apologize in a advance and I apologize for the wall of text, im a noob at writing short stories. But anyways, to the story.
This experience happend when I was in my glory years of gracious child nudity, N64 all-nighter s, and catching glimpses of kiss scenes in movies before being told to go back to my room, aka my year of being a 7 year old. Anywho, I loved watching the weekly episodes of pokémon, first-gen of course, while lying down on the floor with a pillow. Sadly, I loved to eat a bar or two of chocolate whilst watching the show. And to make things more interesting, my fat cat loved eating chocolate with me. I know now that chocolate is bad for cats, but at the time I simply thought that a chocolate eating cat was cool, and to note my cat adored chocolate. I'm not even kidding. He just gorges chocolate, to this day, if he sees any lying around. But anyways, one day,I eating chocolate at around 9am, like a fatass, when my cat rubbed up against my legs for some. I thought sure why not, and gave him my last half of my hersheys bar. Fast forward an hour, I was really bored from just playing with my toys so I decided to watch a taped episode of pokémon on the VCR. I waddled like a penguin to the TV and put the VHS tape into the VCR. And I forgot that I had to retrieve a pillow to rest my monstrosity of a gut, and proceeded to hunt for one, 5 minutes later, I gave up on searching for a pillow and then I spotted my cat, sleeping in a laundry basket. I picked him up and walked to the TV. I guess during my painful journey from the hall way to the living room, I had completely zoned out my cat's plea of putting him down. Once I was in front of the TV, I pressed the play button on the VCR and set in motion my position of being comfortable. I set down my cat gently since I understood that it will hurt his joints if I dropped him, from an earlier experience. Then I layed my head down on his stomach. Now I want you to understand that at the time I did not know that chocolate was bad for cats and I had no intention of poisoning him. But the instant I applied pressure to his abdomen, he splurted shit all over the TV set, carpet, and the N64 like a sprinkler, no a fire hose. I mean it was like the eruption of the volcano over Pompeii. It covered litteraly everything between him and the wall. Then the little fucker bolted off before I could lift my head up and smacked 1/2 of my face onto the wet shit-covered carpet. And to make things worse, I projectile vomited on top of the cat shit, making a putrid mixture of liquid catshit, chocolate, and fruity pebbles I ate for breakfast. To top it off, the carpet was a white shag carpet. KIDS NEVER FEED CHOCOLATE TO CATS.
Tl; dr: fed my cat a 1/2 bar of choclate, explosive diarrhea ensued and projectile vomited on top of it
[deleted]: :O
haystackburnthat: Great penmanship, mate! A shame the quality was piss poor.
[deleted]: Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry. I've written [an improved version](https://i.imgur.com/9C4vOQe.jpg), though.
| 4 | 2 | |
1405034179 | 1405044999 | t3_2adkx7 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by trimming my eyebrows
TIFU by trimming my eyebrows. I have an electric hair trimmer that I use to cut my facial hair. Sometimes ill use it to trim my eyebrows because they tend to get pretty long and bushy. Today when I was trimming my eyebrows the plastic trimmer part came off and I accidentally shaved off my one eyebrow. In a panic I thought if I shaved the other side the same it would some how be less noticeable. It did not help. I guess Im wearing sunglasses for awhile.
Foreigncarwhipper: Must see a pic...for science
mayeslad: ET phone home
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1405032357 | 1405126397 | t3_2adhua | t5_2to41 | 4 | mkyn8360: TIFU by using lavender lotion to Jack off
TIFU! I was all alone in my house and decided the best thing I could do is beat my dick and I did so. I went to the bathroom to get lotion. Me being dumb I used the first lotion I saw without reading it and it was LAVENDER LOTION I'm allergic to lavender! Throughout this It started to hurt but I really didn't care too much so I continued.I realized afterwards that my dick had bubbled up and started flaking.I was in horrible pain for the rest of the day.
TLDR: I'm allergic to lavender and used lavender lotion to Jack off causing bubbles on my dick.
steezyvape: If you're allergic to lavender, why would your family keep lavender lotion around?
Seems kind of careless to me.
mkyn8360: No it's only if I use it. Otherwise it's perfectly safe.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405034726 | 1405043155 | t3_2adlt9 | t5_2to41 | 88 | AskMeMyName: TIFU by riding my bike, and throwing up on a disabled child
It was actually on Monday but I just got a new phone so this is the first chance I've had to post. This'll be a long one.
I ride my bike to and from work every day and have been riding around my city for years. I'd consider myself to be pretty good at reacting quickly and efficiently on my bike if I see a car or glass on the street, but Monday I was careless while coming from work. A pickup truck was driving up to a turn onto the main street (I was riding on the main streets sidewalk). I thought he saw me but wasn't sure. I thought all the lanes on the main street were full so I assumed the driver would stop. I started crossing to the other side of the sidewalk next to the the busy street and the truck driver went through the turn looking the opposite way at oncoming traffic because he saw a small opening that he could make and slammed right into me while going 25mph. He hit my left side and I slid halfway up onto his windshield and picked my legs up to get the rest of the way off of my bike and that's when he stopped quick (this all happened within about 4 seconds). When he stopped, I slid off of his hood and my legs being already in the air made me sort of backflip and made me hit my head on the ground (I landed on my upper back/shoulders with my legs over my head) and being in a position that was easy to roll from, I did a back roll to my feet and stood up. I saw my bike which was damaged badly in certain spots so its un-fixable, and picked it up and moved it to the sidewalk. Everything felt fine except for a few bruises and my head. It hurt a little bit nothing too bad so I decided to brush it off. The driver got out and told me how sorry he was and how surprised yet thankful he was that I was still alive and gave me a ride home. Tuesday I woke up with a little ringing in my ears but thought nothing of it. Well now its louder but only my right ear. Because of the ringing being in only one ear, it made my hearing off balance which made me feel sick all day. Well at work we have a summer camp program and I had to take a mentally handicapped 5 year old back to one of the camp rooms. I carried him and he started talking loudly and the ringing got louder until I eventually got stomach sick. I put him down and turned but he kept walking in front of me yelling the word "up". Well he walked in front of me right when I puked and he was covered in vomit. His mom came by immediately and was so grossed out, she vomited as well.
TL:DR got careless, got hit by a truck, got a head injury, got bad ear ringing, got sick, got a slow kid covered in puke, got his mom sick.
UPDATE: went to the doctor, slight concussion that may have caused Tinnitus (extensive ear ringing). I have another appointment for two weeks to follow up on my condition. I'll post the bicycle pictures later tonight
jayj59: Have you gone to the hospital yet?
Jonny_D85: Seriously, get to the hospital. At the very least, this sounds like a concussion. Don't play with that.
AskMeMyName: I've had a few concussions before and this doesn't seem to be as bad as those were. If it is one, its definitely not too serious
[deleted]: Have yourself checked, man. Were you wearing a helmet that time? Good thing you know to react to a crash.
Also, what's your bike? Specs? :)
AskMeMyName: It was a schwinn I bought from target for 300. Was. Nice bike IMO. I have pictures but I'm not sure how to attach them
[deleted]: You can post it in imgur.com and the link here.
Do plan to build another bike and salvage the parts that have not been wrecked?
AskMeMyName: Okay, I'll update with pics later. And I'm buying one off of Craigslist tomorrow
[deleted]: Good luck!
| 9 | 9.777778 | |
1405032084 | 1405040152 | t3_2adhdq | t5_2to41 | 3 | trenderman3000: TIFU by playing marco polo at a hotel pool
Teotwawki69: So... the tit was kissing her boyfriend?
trenderman3000: I wish.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405032450 | 1405057517 | t3_2adhzr | t5_2to41 | 27 | ammofortherank: TIFU by putting handcuffs on someone.
So I have this fwb kind of guy whos as kinky as me and its great. We recently bought rope and thought we'd try it out. Before we start on tying me up, I decided to grab my old pair of handcuffs from when I was in law enforcement. I figured we could maybe add them in later. Anyways, so he ties my legs up and we have amazing sex and everything is wonderful. Fast forward a bit and he gets dressed and sits next to me. I grab the handcuffs and playfully put them on him. He comments on how heavy they are and that they're a little snug. I go and grab my handcuff key and put it in to unlock them. It does not fit! I then realize that it was the handcuff key to some really old handcuffs and these were smith and Wesson and required a smith and Wesson key. FUCK. He looks at me with this bitter face like he just ate shit and asks me, "Is this for real or are you fucking with me?" Not at all partner. He also says he doesn't want any guys to see him like that because it'll be awkward for him. I start dialing my female law enforcement friends that would be cool about this situation. Finally a friend answers and the panic in me came out in the phone "I know you have a smith and wesson key. Get here now there's a man handcuffed in my room and I do not have the key!" She tells me shes super busy so it'll be a little bit. I apologize a million times and ask him what I can do. I offered sex, anal, blow job, everything. He said he wasn't angry but he was not in the mood. He says "All I want is a beer and its always sunny in Philadelphia." Fuck yeah I can do that. Go to my fridge, of course I only have a little bitch lime-a-rita. I hand it to him and he looks at me with that i-just-ate-shit face again. I explained its all I have and he drank it. We sit there for about an hour and a half waiting. The entire time im saying how sorry I am. Oh, I forgot to mention he missed an appointment due to this mishap. I felt terrible. My friend finally comes over and she walks in the door. She looks at him and says "oh you're the guy that works at the bowling alley! My kids play in the little bowling leagues there!" The look on his face was pretty hilarious. He blushed a little and just handed her his wrists. She uncuffed him and he thanked her quite a bit. His wrists had gotten pretty red so he was grateful. She didn't let it get awkward she just said "yall have a good day dont and you dont have to tell me what you were doing." I tell her it was just a funny joke no sex.... and then she looks down and sees all the rope. "O.k. guys im out." And she was gone. It was an eventful moment. And he left pretty quickly. I texted I was still sorry, but he responded that it was fine because its just a funny story now.
dankney: Just so you know -- the Smith & Wesson cuffs are among the easiest to pick. Try a binder clip:
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=HN.608038082216463305&pid=1.7
ammofortherank: I had a really old key that was issued to us years ago. I probably should have researched it more. All I could think was that I knew a smith and wesson would work. Now I know for the future. Thanks.
| 3 | 9 | |
1405032455 | 1405061036 | t3_2adi06 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU twenty one and a joke?
This has been bothering me for quite awhile and *I'm not sure* what to think of it seeing how i've never had an experience like this with anyone whatsoever. I decided to make an account to ask redditors. I feel like a fool ranting about it seeing how my friends have told me to just get over it but it just doesn't seem to happen overnight.
About a year ago I was in a relationship with a guy I went to high school with, and we were together for about almost a year but things were pretty rocky towards the end. **He was my best friend.** Things were great in the beginning for the most part and it was kind of surprising how we ended up together knowing that we went to the same HS but dated about a year after. (Sorry about the confusion with the dates) Most of our time being in the relationship was something that revolved around the lines of *"getting high all the time"* whether it was blunt baking his car, taking bong hits in his attic, or smoking at the park. I don't know what attracted me to him so deeply, and it wasn't the aroma of marijuana smoke..
**He was different** from other guys I have dated. I wasn't a virgin when I met him, but I took his virginity. We had really wild sex, I know its bad to compare but man oh man was he good. I taught him everything I knew and I loved trying new things out **just for him.** I *was crazy about him*. I always felt this euphoric feeling when I would orgasm and it was always around the same time when he'd cum. But..
Unfortunely things were sidetracking, *and I'm not talking about the blunt..* things got more complicated, he was an artist, he was dangerous I loved & cared for him, I loved his late night texts while out painting, I loved his morning texts on his way home, what I mainly loved was that he was comfortable being his self around me, his humor + everything under it shredded, cold hard handed to me, he was always there for me. *(Atleast that I know of besides lying to me about parties maybe, painting and the whores that come along with graffiti..)* I don't know how things quickly escalated but maybe it was me - my jealousy, insecurities, differences and attitude or maybe it was him never wanting to grow up and be that you know ~~Man~~ for me that brought me to love him in the first place. Or atleast for himself, just mainly growing up and living beyond his ego.
We had a ton of fun adventures and talks, not naming any because we were always stoned out of our minds most of the time. I showed him different things around the city, music and everything above. I thought he was the one for me. Maybe just an illusion, wanting to really believe that good ol' american movie classic dream where the woman marries and has kids with her high school sweetheart. You know girls, the that one movie that makes your heart sink by the near end of the movie just because you KNOW how it ends..
I always tried for him whatever he needed I had him, for a moment he was unemployed but regardless I showered him with gifts canvases, clothes, food, bud, traveled really far to buy him good quality spray paint. Just anything to make him happy, he was different than my other X's, I can say I truly loved him and felt a deeper connection with him than anyone i've met.
Things got bad, real bad. I don't even know how but it happened but it did. Summer 2k13 rolled around and he dumped me *via text.* I knew it was over when he didn't really wanna spend my birthday with me the previous month before. He just stopped, feeling for me. He was more worried about his graffiti street cred on a social network - girls all over, my insecurities probably didn't make it any better but its not like he helped. I cried my heart out for closure but he just didn't budge, we exchanged a lot of disrespectful text messages to each other than I came to realization to just give up it was a lost cause.
Five months had gone by, I had did a lot of thinking -- realizing my actions during the downfall. I blame myself for most of how it ended, but loves crazy isn't it? **I grew** I stopped smoking marijuana, I started taking care of my body more and eating foods that were good and not *munchies*.. I started being more social and soon enough I went on with my life. But that's all you can do right?
Winter rolled around, by this time I had let go of all my anger, remorse, sadness, and pride. *I wished him a Happy 21st birthday* I did it mainly out of kindness, to let him know basically no hard feelings kind of thing. Sure enough he replied with a *"Thanks, this means a lot. Sorry how things ended."* I don't remember but I did reply but didn't get a response back. I went on about my day and that was the end.
It was now spring, my 21st birthday was just around the corner. I hate going into detail about how it happened, but he had texted me. He wished me a Happy Birthday and yet apologized again and said that i'd find happiness. He joked around about how I am 21 and old, if I am going to get drunk usual conversation that happens with that age, and asked what do I want for my birthday, I of course say nothing, he tells me that he has something for me (I never got, but didn't expect.) A few days later I believe we started texting, things were going alright it felt like we were friends again and nothing had happened. Later that night, hes pouring his heart out.. but **hes drunk**. He tells me "I will find happiness that I will find better." He told me that *"he misses me like he misses breathing his soul,"* and lastly, he tells me "he loves me". How romantic eh? Like a typical girl move I reply saying that "I miss you too." Later that night he calls me, but avoids what he said to me just an hour ago. He starts talking about old people he used to know, just random things, we end up talking the whole night long about what has been happening in our lives. He tells me that he went to jail for marijuana and that he thought about calling me while in there seeing that he remembered my number. We both laughed about it, (during our past relationship I always told him that if he went to jail for painting or anything not to call me.) I remind him that he's drunk and he says yes I am aware about what I have done and that hes okay with it. His phone dies and that wraps up the night..
I call the next morning to see if hes alright, and he answers an tells me he'll call me once hes out the shower. I get a call from him saying to come outside, hes outside of my house (We live 3 blocks away from each other, same street different address same last two digits of the address.) I literally have just woken up out of bed nike gym shorts, and a pulp fiction shirt. We hug and walk towards the end of my block (I have noisy neighbors) and we walk back, we exchange words but I can tell things are awkward. Things are not the same. We hug goodbye and I walk back inside. Thinking to myself "Is this really fucking happening? This has to be a dream." Better yet, it's a reality nothing compared to a dream.
Later that afternoon we continue talking over the phone while he is at work, but mainly he is talking and I am listening. Here is where I realize that I have changed, I am not the same person anymore who he used to talk to on the phone with, for moments there I am listening and thinking what I can say. But I just couldn't adjust. I tell him that he still the same ( his name), I ask if I have changed and he tells me that I am still the same just more mature. **A woman**
Looking back at the phone call, I can see I was brushing him off a little, I didn't mean to but it was just different.. We texted for another day but he stopped replying. I continued texting him but he was avoiding me again. But apparently I was being too much, and was told to stop texting him. - (Heard from a mutual friend we both share, the mutual friend also had told me in the past before this happened that he happens to bring me up when they are drunk and how he feels bad how things ended and if I was doing okay.) So I gave up. Things were left on a sketchy note yet again. We became Facebook friends, but c'mon does Facebook really show for anything these days..
A month later, I send him a FB message asking if he is still willing to paint two big canvases that we agreed on that he was interested on doing, (and of course I am willing to pay him for) he tells me to text him that he is tired and has work the next morning. I do so, and he replies "Whatsup dude" I reply saying "not much cleaning and you?" He doesn't respond after. Maybe I should've cut the convo short and just asked when would he want to pick up the canvases but I didn't want to sound like I am using him for his talent or some sort..
Here I am confused on what has this turned to, is this just an awkward friendship after what happens after a relationship? should I just try painting them myself? Is this even really about the canvases? Or should I just move on and act like he isn't there an this never happened? OR am I blaming myself for someone elses actions?
Sorry for the run ons and misspellings redditors, I am just really eager to hear some feedback. It has been killing me yet again with this weird closure/friendship. Maybe he did it on purpose, or maybe he is scared for falling for me again. I really don't know. Any advice I am willing to hear.
twohalvesandawhole: I see what you're saying, I appreciate your feedback. Yeah its hard to kind of forget knowing that this happened about a month and a half ago. So it's a bit awkward to think about it because I don't know where it stands in a way?, the friendship was patched (I feel like) but it just randomly got awkward. I of course still care because I can honestly say and admit he was literally my first love regardless of my past. I don't know if i can just remain friends if he just avoids what he started by contacting me on my birthday and then us being sort of civil? .. not really. Ya know?
devals: It's typical after a relationship. Mixed signals everywhere, the random bursts of communication.. My ex once compared it to a bouncing ball...as momentum slows, it bounces less and less, and lower and lower each time. Eventually, it will come to a complete stop.
You've been doing great moving on with your life. Continue doing that. It can be really hard to shake residual feelings for someone, even (who sounds like) a loser. But just remind yourself that nothing is going to happen between you two that you want- at best, he ends up using you for sex, and undoing all that you've built for yourself mentally since the relationship ended.
Brush him off. In a handful of years, you'll be SO glad you did, and your dignity will thank you.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405039479 | 1405101598 | t3_2adtiq | t5_2to41 | 35 | Challenger_IV: TIFU by eating 1/2lb of skittles.
So, this afternoon me and my friends went to target to buy food (being broke as hell fresh out of high school). For my sweets I bought a 1 pound bag of berry skittles. When we got home, had some Mac & Cheese, and afterwards ate half of the skittles.
Well, let's just say that those skittles acted like actually berries and had my bowels roaring with dismay, as I took 2 unpredicted shits within period of 1 hour where my asshole was on fire.
VersaceBabyRattle: How were those shits unexpected?
Challenger_IV: They were liquidy and I got the shit urges while walking... Ended up having to shit in te woods and wipe with a subway napkin.
gigabyteIO: Hahahaha, that should be more of a reason to stay away from shit like that, skittles are full of horrible stuff(chemicals) that effect your body in bad ways.
codmw3master: Damn tasty chemicals though.
gigabyteIO: Truth.
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1405027779 | 1405088157 | t3_2ada5l | t5_2to41 | 91 | Daroseer: TIFU by acting cool.
This story happened about 6 years ago. I was 16, and worked as an offset printer. The printing company I worked for had only 4 employees.
My boss, the instructor, a bookbinder and me, the aprentice.
In a normal printing company there are usually some typographers and/or graphic artists. Wich are called the "prepress". Prepress does anything related to text, printing files, graphics...you get the idea.
Now, because we are so specialized, I couldn't work on the common type of printing machines. And that is a problem if I want to find a job later on. So my boss decided to send me to another printing company. One that we work with pretty often. The deal was, that I work normally 4 days a week, and one in the other company.
"Next tuesday is your first day there. I said you'll be there at 8am"
Fine.
My first day. I arrived on said time, drank a coffee with one of the printers there and was ready to start. After an hour I was sent to the "prepress" branch, wich was located on the upper floor, to get some of these see-through portfolios. Don't know what they are called in english. The ones you can put in a binder. In german they are called "klarsichtmäppchen" by the way.
So I went upstairs and found myself in a room full of typographers. Female typographers. All in their 20's. And they were all good looking. I'm not talking about models. But most of them were really cute.
"Excuse me..."
The whole room turned around on their office chairs. And for some reason my brain just decided to lay back and watch. That fucker of an organ left me all alone in the middle of a room of girls.
"Do you have see-trough por-por-por-por"
*(German version: Habt ihr noch klarsichtmämämämämä")*
I blushed, turned around and went back to the instructor and told him that they don't have any portfolios. I was down. It's my first fucking day. The first time they saw me and I just stutterd like a retarded turntable.
All is fine. I can hide in the press-branch. None of them will see me. Everythings O.K.
Coffee-break.
I waited until the prepress-people were done with coffee and was glad when the room was empty again. Grab a mug, put it under the coffee machine and press the button.
Nothing happens.
The coffee machine was a nespresso one. They only have two buttons. One for regular coffee, one for expresso. How hard could it be?
I tried a few more times until one of the prepress-girls was behind me. Looks like she had a lot to do and had her break a bit later.
Still a bit insecure about the thing with the portfolios I was under stress.
*Please brain. Just don't fuck things up again, please"
I pressed the button one more time. Aaaaand....it worked!
IT FUCKING WORKED! THERE WAS COFFEE. COMING OUT THE MACHINE. IN TO MY MUG. AW YISS
But wait. A second later the goddamn machine stopped again. Out of nothing. I got a full teaspoon of coffee in my mug. That's all.
*okay...you got this...handle this situation like a man*
I grab a sugar cube.
*wait. what am I doing. There's no coffee in my mug*
Put it in my mug.
*Cancel. Abort mission. Please.*
By now the sugar cube soaked up the pathetic puddle of defeat that was in my mug. And the girl saw it.
*JUST WALK THE FUCK AWAY*
My hand reached for the milk
*oh god no...*
So here am I. Looking into my mug. A brown sugar cube, soaked in coffee, laying in the milk. It's not even covered in milk. It's like a man, standing in a children's pool.
I just hated myself. Why is my brain working against me. Why did I do that. Why do I mentally black-out whenever one of these girls looks at me.
"You just have to fill up the water tank. That's the reason the coffee-maker stopped :)"
*oh cool. Everything went better than expected. She even helped me, and was polite and nice. Just say thank you and make yourself a good coffee*
"Nah, it's cool. That's the way I drink my coffee."
*NO. NO YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT. WHY.*
I walked away and hid myself in the press room. On that day H could've have stayed there forever if the instructor didn't send me home at 5pm.
It's no tragedy. But on that day, I just really fucked up in a 16-year old boy kind of way.
AwesomeRofl: This is one of the funniest stories ive read. Thank you for this.
Daroseer: Oh thank you :D
This story really brings back a smile to my face whenever I remember it.
Jaytu: Reminds me of Mike Birbiglia's "What I Should've Said" bit.
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1405036239 | 1405086285 | t3_2ado9t | t5_2to41 | 2,052 | iwantsomeass: TIFU by yelling at a man at Chipotle.
Okay this happened earlier today, and I'm on mobile so sorry in advance for formatting. I'll keep it short and sweet.
So I was at chipotle getting my burrito. I got my food without incident and was leaving when I went to say excuse me to a man in line so I could get to the door. This is when my brain completely stopped functioning. I instantly went into Panera mode (on my day off) and yelled/screamed at this man "I CAN HELP WHOS NEXT!" What. Why brain? What the fuck?
He looked like a deer in the headlights. I didn't even give him a chance to respond, I don't think he could. He was just as surprised as I was. Then I proceeded to say "Oh god. My brain. I'm so sorry. I'm so tired." My eyes were probably the size of plates. I then spun around and speed-walked out the door.
So. Embarrassing.
2MarsAndBeyond: The best part of this (for me) is that I work at Panera as well and I went to Chipotle for lunch today. Had a momentary thought when reading this wondering if I did this and blocked it out of my memory, lol.
iwantsomeass: Twins!
whitebean: TIL Panera employees are going harmlessly insane.
everymanawildcat: It's really not a fun job. I got tired of explaining that there's no such thing as bread chips, so I switched to being a line worker.
Ledatru: Lol what are bread chips bro
Uhhhhdel: They are a PITA to make apparently.
greenlee4: I see what you did there...
snpalavan: Definitely kneaded this.
Uhhhhdel: It's the yeast I could do.
Reddit_Hates_Liars: Way to rise to the occasion.
snpalavan: Just trying to roll with it.
| 12 | 171 | |
1405040614 | 1405132271 | t3_2advbj | t5_2to41 | 26 | bastilla: TIFU by getting drunk with the girl i like
I'll give a little back story. I'm 17 years old, and I've liked this girl since I met her at the beginning of high school.
Let's just say my friends name is Haley. I've liked Haley for years, she knows i do. I told her i was over her a couple months prior to now, but its safe to say I haven't moved on. Although I have strong feelings towards her, she doesn't feel the same way, but either than that we are really good friends. I guess you could say I got "Friend-zoned", But I really don't believe in that.
Anyways, I'll get on with the story. This all happened last night.
Last week me and Haley were talking (like we usually do). We haven't hung out in a while so we decide to get drunk together. On Tuesday night we meet at a school by the beach. Everything starts off very good, we talk and wait until it's dark to head down to the beach.
We are still sober before we get to the beach, at this time it's around 10:30pm. She spread out a blanket that she brought so we could be comfortable, and we start drinking away. Now this is my second time drinking, so I don't know my limit. Having not been drunk since spring break, I was really looking forward to this. Haley doesn't have to drink as much to get drunk, so there was plenty of alcohol left. I was on the verge of being drunk, and whenever i feel that way, i literally drink anything/everything. By the time we were out of alcohol, I was really really really drunk, like the say anything do anything without much thought kind of drunk
As the night goes on, we start to become more comfortable with one another, and start to talk about really deep shit. Haley has a thing with my friend named Sam, but it is very complicated. I always give her advice or listen to what she has to say about her love life (It fucking sucks to hear all of it). She starts talking about her love life, saying she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't want to be committed to one person blah blah blah. As the conversation gets deeper, I begin to to talk about my problems. We started talking about me and her, and I started to cry, I confessed my love to her, and talked about all that cheesy stuff like; How i wanted to protect her, I wanted her to be happy and how i wished i was the guy she had a thing with.
I can only imagine what it looked like, a 17 year old dude sitting in the sand crying about how a girl doesn't like him back. I cringe at the thought. I was crying and confessing for a good 10-15 minutes, she was sitting behind me hugging my, and replying to some of the dumb things that i said.
As i stated before, i drank way too much, so i was starting to feel sick. I got up and started to throw up, leaning over a beached log. So i was crying and puking, all while she was there, watching and enduring the whole thing. "I'm surprised you didn't try anything with me" was one of the only things I remember her saying. I have a very hazy memory of the whole night, so I really can't remember everything.
We started to head back to her house. Being as drunk as i was, she had to help me walk. I don't really remember what happened on the way there.
When we got to her house we had to be quiet, since her parents and siblings were sleeping. All i could think about was getting some sleep. she lead me to her room, and I collapsed on the carpet. She told me to get into her bed with her, and it was a big bed so there was plenty of room. Trying to be polite, I declined. We argued for a good 10 minutes about me not getting in the bed and wanting to sleep on the floor. I didn't want to give her the wrong idea, i don't know how to explain it. I respect her, and after all the shit I had said/done that night I just felt so bad. I ended up getting into the bed, since she wouldn't let me sleep.
I woke up at 6:00 am, and lay there for roughly and hour. She woke up at around 7:20. She rushed me out of her house, and all she said was "You were really Emotional last night". I left, and walked across town to get home. As of now, I'm just sitting her and it's the only thing i can think of. I have no idea what to do, and i feel like i have jeopardized our friendship.
As you can already tell, I'm terrible at writing. It's never really been my strong point, and is the main reason why i don't post very often.
**TL:DR** I got way too drunk with the girl I love, confessed my feelings, puked, cried and possibly screwed up our friendship.
**EDIT** We talked on Skype earlier this evening, I apologised to her for being such a burden, and we talked about what happened. She told me she was confused and thought I was over her a while ago, and said it was a lot for her to take in. She said she didn't want to talk to me anymore, I've blocked all communications with her. Maybe not the best idea, but I can't take it anymore, my love for her is eating me away. Thanks for any advice/support that I was given, cheers!
My custom fit fedora is on its way.
Receptron: A new edit would be great. What happened?!
bastilla: I've already edited the original post..Idk what else I can do.
Receptron: Like if you hangout again with her.
bastilla: If she doesn't even want to talk to me over text/Facebook..then I don't think I'm going to be able to talk to her in person.
Receptron: Dude, did you ever find out what you said?
bastilla: I'll give you a couple quotes from our Skype conversation.
After asking her what I said she responded with this;
"*You told me you loved me..and you want me to be happy, you wish you were Sam (dude she has a thing with), and that you wanted to protect me.*"
After a paragraph of me apologizing, and telling her that was not my intention for the night she said:
"*Idk, You told me some deep things, and you said I love you to me and it was just way too much for me.*"
She continued on, basically repeating what I had said that night;
"*You said you think about me everyday, and gosh idk, a lot of other stuff. I'm just confused (My name here), you said you were over me.*"
She then said goodnight, and the next day I sent her a snapchat, and she told me to never talk to her again.
Receptron: Well she's a bitch who doesn't deserve you.
bastilla: I don't know, she's not a bitch. The situation really does suck for me, but it always has so I'm used to it.
Receptron: So if it sucks for you then it's time to leave. I've been there. The quicker you leave the better trust me
bastilla: Wise words, I guess this is just the way it's gotta be. I really wish I could try again. Thanks man.
Receptron: Of course if you want to chat shoot me a pm
| 12 | 2.166667 | |
1405042679 | 1406024666 | t3_2adykc | t5_2to41 | 8 | writing_wrongs: TIFU by failing my driving test before I got out of my parking spot.
So I'm 18 and since I couldn't afford to pay for driver's ed classes along with the setback of major illness (my kidneys failed when I was 16) I ended up having to wait until now to get my license.
Around 10:30 today I arrive at the DVM and obediently endured this fuming cesspit of Satan's ass crack for about an hour before being called up to go take my test.
I told myself to be confident so I was relatively unfazed when I met up with my instructor who appeared to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. Who wouldn't be a little on the moody side after working here?
I proceeded to be as polite as possible as we walked to my car which was unfortunately wedged rather tightly between two other cars. He mumbles into his clipboard for me to get in the car, start it, up and back out. I assume he wants to make it easier to get in the passenger door (it was very close to the other car).
So I (whilst trying to be all official and cautious because I know I'm being watched) adjust everything in my car, turn around, and start slowly and cautiously backing out. I'm starting to feel a bit self conscience because I'm having a bit of a struggle with the numerous pedestrians and cars coming and going.
Suddenly my instructor (still standing outside of the car) puts his hand up for me to stop. I watch him completely dumbfounded as he makes a bunch of strange hand signals before I get the picture that he wants me to pull back into my parking spot.
At this point I intuitively know that something had gone horribly wrong but I can't figure it out. He tells me to turn off the car and get out, so I do. He asks me if I remember him saying to get in the car and roll down the window, and in my worried panic I spit out yes, even though I honestly wasn't sure if I remembered that at all.
He asks why I started backing out and I told him that's just what I thought he wanted me to do. Nada.
So I go inside with the instructor who's face has had the same bored/angry look since we met less than 3 minutes ago and as I stand in front of my confused mother trying to hold in tears of embarrassment I'm curtly told that since I drove my car without a license and ignored instructions I was automatically failed.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
TDLR: I misheard my driving instructor and was automatically failed for backing out without him in car.
PeeThrowAways: Failed my first driving test because the instructor screamed in my right ear as I made a left turn onto a residential street to commence the backing up in a straight line test. His reasoning? There was an oncoming car about 5 seconds of traveling distance up the road. 5 whole seconds I counted after turning before I saw him drive past where I turned from.
He claimed we almost got hit and scribbled all over his clipboard. Entire rest of the trip he kept making snide and rude comments about me. Best part? I retook the test the next week and the next guy I had told me I was one of the best drivers he had ever been with. I even see the piece of shit from the last test and he gave a sick smile while the girl he was with was crying from failing her test. I seriously think that guy is a fucking psychopath.
hereImadethisforyou: So, you *are* a teenager, then. That explains a lot.
PeeThrowAways: Are? I'm 31. Reading comprehension is not your strong suit. Stick to confirmation bias. The world will be a better place once you seek treatment for your narcissism.
hereImadethisforyou: Reading comprehension - Who takes their first driving test at 31? You just recounted the experience like it was this morning - I think I made a natural assumption.
Please enlighten me on this supposed narcissism. Is it my advice in r/gardening? My pics of my dog? How about r/SkincareAddiction?
Wait, wait...could I have rubbed you the wrong way by calling out misogynistic and sexist comments somewhere in your little Reddit "manosphere", prompting you to make this very brave throwaway account?
Bobbyslow: A lot of people don't take their driving test until later in life, for various reasons.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1405044480 | 1405138247 | t3_2ae1am | t5_2to41 | 162 | fuckfuckfuckfuckkkk: TIFU by sending countless nude pictures/videos of my SO to her mother.
Throwaway.
I'm only here because I have no idea what to do. Havoc has been caused and I am surrounded by deep shit everywhere I look. There is no silver lining to this situation.
A few weeks ago, I went on a trip to Europe with my girlfriend's family. Being the photographer of the group, I took pictures throughout the trip, and today my girlfriend's mother asked me for them. I imported them all onto my computer and directly into Dropbox. Now here's where things start to get shitty, and I should have been more careful considering how easily this mixup could happen to anyone.
On Dropbox I had a folder of all the naughty things my girlfriend had sent me in the past. I'm not going to go into detail here because I don't want this post to identify me in the real world, but the acts depicted were explicit. Naturally, I had put these in a generic "Untitled" folder to avoid suspicion and I planned on deleting the folder after I had transferred the photos to a more secure location on my phone.
Anyway, when I'm uploading these Europe pictures to Dropbox, I'm not really thinking and I just decide to drop these photos in the generic "Untitled" folder and tick the selection to automatically send her mother an email with the link once all the photos are uploaded. I leave my computer in the office and go to dinner with my family. Everything is good at dinner for maybe 15 seconds after we sit down and then my phone begins imploding with texts.
One pissed off phone call between my girlfriend, her very-Catholic mother and I, and I am now being ignored by her family. It turns out that being an excited mother, she shared the Europe folder to Facebook before looking at its contents. Can you guess what showed up as the thumbnail for the post? A 16 megapixel hi-def photo of a dildo'd vagina.
tl;dr Girlfriend's mom gets a detailed lesson on all the unconventional ways you can use a dildo...courtesy of her daughter.
I'm probably going to delete this post in a few hours so enjoy my misery while the post still exists in its natural form.
larticzone: Holy shit! I'm at a loss for words man. Don't even know what to say to help make you feel better :( I'm just sorry that happened to you and your girlfriend.
fuckfuckfuckfuckkkk: Thank you it sucks. I have a hunch it'll be alright between us two after time heals the situation but I'm definitely never gonna be good homies with her mother ever again.
arcticblue: Fun fact: the word "homie" is pronounced the same way as "homi" in Okinawan and pretty much means "pussy".
Manbearphoenix: Lies.
TWO things.
1. Okinawan isn't a language.
2. It doesn't mean pussy
arcticblue: Are you serious? I've been living in Okinawa for 9 years and my wife is Okinawan. I think I've been here long enough to know a few dirty words. [It most definitely is a language](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Okinawan_language) (it's referred to here in Okinawa as Hougen or Uchinaguchi, but calling it Okinawan is perfectly acceptable in English) and ["homi" does indeed mean pussy.](http://www.proz.com/kudoz/japanese_to_english/other/424251-homi.html)
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Okinawan language**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Okinawan%20language): [](#sfw)
---
>__Central Okinawan__, or simply the __Okinawan language__ (沖縄口/ウチナーグチ *Uchinaaguchi* [ʔut͡ɕinaːɡut͡ɕi]), is a Northern [Ryukyuan language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryukyuan_languages) spoken primarily in the southern half of the [island of Okinawa](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Okinawa_Island), as well as in the surrounding islands of [Kerama](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kerama_Islands), [Kumejima](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kumejima,_Okinawa), [Tonaki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonaki,_Okinawa), [Aguni](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aguni,_Okinawa), and a number of smaller peripheral islands. Central Okinawan distinguishes itself from the speech of Northern Okinawa, which is classified independently as the [Kunigami language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kunigami_language). Both languages have been designated as [endangered](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endangered_language) by the [UNESCO](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UNESCO) *Atlas of the World's Languages in Danger* since its launch in February 2009.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/DXfxkbS.png) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Boundaries_of_the_Okinawan_Languages.svg)
---
^Interesting: [^Okinawan ^languages](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Okinawan_languages) ^| [^Kunigami ^language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kunigami_language) ^| [^Okinawa ^Prefecture](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Okinawa_Prefecture) ^| [^Okinawa ^Island](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Okinawa_Island)
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| 7 | 23.142857 | |
1405020650 | 1405074513 | t3_2acxcg | t5_2to41 | 33 | Vinceisg0d: TIFU by replacing/returning a 'damaged' 100" projection screen three times
TIFU.
Well, I guess these last two months I fucked up.
Long story short, I upgraded to a projector instead of a TV. The screen cost $400 for 100" and when it first came in I was shocked. There were stains and imperfections everywhere after I set it up.
Another thing to mention is it took me 4-6 hours to put together the first time. I've then since taken it apart and put it back together 4-5 times.
I just received my third replacement today and I was so utterly pissed off that the third one came damaged as well... I was furious.
And then it clicked. This was the very moment (After I put the third one together, of course) that I realized what a complete dipshit I was. I do not use the word dipshit too often, I tend to reserve it for truly stupid people.
Then, it clicked. The material had White in the name. I looked up at the screen and there was no white at all. Why was this, I wonder? Why would they name it White and not Black when the White part of the screen was just the back and facing the wall.
**Because I put it together backwards five times, that's why**.
three_horsemen: Rest assured that your story has become part of the customer service lore of whichever company you bought from.
Sypher0110: Can confirm; all we do during down time is trade stories about retarded customers.
| 3 | 11 | |
1405048307 | 1405105084 | t3_2ae73d | t5_2to41 | 173 | [deleted]: TIFU by jump kicking a bridesmaid in the face and ripping the crotch out of my pants.
At the risk of beating, mutilating, and eating a dead horse... Was told this might fit in on r/TIFU so here goes.
I got a little saucy at my cousins wedding in Jamaica. The photographer wanted to do the cliche jumping photo with everyone and we agreed, like idiots. We were standing about ankle deep in the ocean and I was next to the only bridesmaid there (small wedding). I have freaky hops for a 6'0 tall white guy, and I forgot to take that into account. I thought it would be funny to do a toe touch, because, well, they look funny when 200lb dudes do them. Photog counted to three, I leaped, everyone else...leaped worse and I put my foot into the girls skull. I didn't even notice at first because all I heard was a huge ripping noise as my pants shredded from dick to dumper. I was pretty concerned about those pants. Meanwhile, girl was being tended to, and I was nursing my ego and the fact that I could cancel any plans of a hook up later. I'm not sure if my cousin still loves me.
Edit: [here's the original terribly pixalated, over processed pic] (http://i.imgur.com/AA9Prr1.jpg)
Edit2: then someone wrote [this] (http://happyplace.someecards.com/weddings/dude-kicks-bridesmaid-in-the-head-and-rips-his-pants-for-what-might-be-the-most-disastrous-wedding-pic-ever-taken/) article and now my dick rip karate kick is all over Facebook...should I be happy or sad
Edit3: so yeah this does feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I got a bunch of inbox messages to post it here, and I'm an attention whore. So it all worked out. I'm also just a whore.
duckvimes_: http://i.imgur.com/6EZURiQ.gif
acidrainn23: haha wtf
duckvimes_: [credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/2ac4kc/so_i_jumped_kicked_this_bridesmaid_in_the_head/citkw4i) /u/buttermynuts
meant to add that above, forgot
Buttermynuts: Thanks for the credit.
| 5 | 34.6 | |
1405045900 | 1405152638 | t3_2ae3hz | t5_2to41 | 511 | alibali780: TIFU by not knowing what a tick looks like
So last night, my boyfriend and I went out for drinks and got reasonably drunk. When we got off the train, we walked past this sketchy what maybe used to be a park thing that had animal shaped benches and very high grass. He was drunk and insisted I took a picture of him on the "cow bench". He asked me to check his leg hair for ticks which I did, and insisted my skin was too soft and we would notice if I had a tick so it was fine.
So this morning, he left for work and I was home alone and super hungover. I don't get along very well pant as is, but when I have a hangover pants aren't even an option. So I'm walking around pantless and I happen to look at my thigh. Last night came rushing back to me and I start getting pissed as hell at that ridiculous photo opp. There's a round black tick on my inner thigh. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I started texting him like crazy and he tells me to use a tweezer and remove it like a splinter. Fine, I'm an expert. I start going at it with the tweezer but thats not working, so (I'm also a self proclaimed surgeon) I start using a nail clipper.. nope, still nothing. I start using a needle and I'm really ripping at it. At this point, I'm bleeding, I have a gash in my leg, and the tick is not moving at all. One last hurrah, I stick the needle in my leg, it jabs through the black mark and comes out the other end.
Turns out, it was a freckle. Never was a tick. I clearly don't know my own body.
TL;DR Mutilated my thigh in desperation to remove a tick which turned out to be a freckle.
TheElephantCage: Our dog once had a bundle of ticks on her. There was a tick on a tick on tick surrounded by ticks. Pretty gnarly.
Have had a fair share of ticks as well. Though even if you know what they look like, you'll still jump at every small dark spot on your skin after a forest trip. Nasty those ticks.
FaKeShAdOw: Aren't you supposed to prevent ticks by wearing long-sleeve everything though? Like pants that even cinch tightly around your long socks?
And I could have sworn there was a spray or lotion for them.
TheElephantCage: They can still keep climbing on the clothes. So if you don't change your clothes right after or aren't thorough enough, some get by. Also you're not going to wear long sleeves all the time, especially if you spend a lot of time near or in wild nature. A checkup before bed time is usually enough.
Also all the lotions and sprays don't have 100% success rate. Some ticks just hitch a ride with you no matter what.
Also twist and pull. Don't want the head to get stuck.
Trupl0: Never twist a tick. It is better just to yank it out.
If the head remains buried the body will still get it out on itself.
When twisting and rubbing the tick with oil and etc. the tick itself "barfs" all his toxins inside his body through his mouth into you.
sharklwsers: The best is to light a match, blow it out and then touch the still red "coal" to the ticks abdomen, it causes it to let go from pain, and then you scrape it off with a credit card/putty-knife/something similar.
Trupl0: Kill it with fire then :)
| 7 | 73 | |
1405046191 | 1405084867 | t3_2ae3y9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | T3hN3xt: TIFU by dropping a burning cigarette in my shoe. TWICE!
So i was out for a drink with my friends and it was warm.
Naturaly i dressed in shorts and a tshirt because where i live, you wear summer clothing as often as you can since we only have a couple of weeks of warm weather every year.
After a few beers i decided it was time to give in to my smoking addiction and light a cigarette.
Because it was crowded and there was not much room my table on the terrace was put rather close to me.
After a few minutes later, clumsy me, i hit the table on the side with my cigarette and the burning top falls right off.
As i was wearing shorts and a rather high shoe the burning top of my cigarette falls in the crack between my shoe and my ankle!
After jumping up screaming, throwing all our drinks off the table, i squeeze the searing heat in my shoe because i can not remove my shoe that quickly. (I have both shoelaces and velcro, super cool and super manly.)
After a good laugh and some inner crying i got over it and resumed drinking beer.
Only to do the exact same thing five minutes later, with the same cigarette that i just re-lit, in the same shoe! DERP!!!
Now i have two burns on the same ankle and my friends think i need professional help.
Picture of the burns (slightly NSFW): http://imgur.com/a6BgyVA
TL;DR: Burning cigarette falls into my shoe, TWICE!
Svenny8890: Damn dude that sucks!! I quit smoking daily but when I go out for drinks I tend to have 1 or 2. Hope your ankle heals soon!
T3hN3xt: Well they say smoking kills right?
Yeah i should probably stop!
Thanks.
Voyager5555: Pretty sure Darwinism will get you first.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1405031951 | 1405055016 | t3_2adh63 | t5_2to41 | 4 | GnusAndRoses: TIFU by introducing myself
So, as is the trend on this subreddit, my embarrassing moment of shame did not occur today, or even close to it. My mistake happened a little over a year ago, when i went on a date with my now-ex girlfriend.
So to begin my day, I got a text from her (we'll call her LaFawnDuh) asking if I wanted to go to a carnival that her church was putting on. I, not caring about the religious affiliation part of it, jumped on the opportunity to spend a little time with LaFawnduh. Now, before I go a little further, some backstory:
I asked her out not knowing that her parents were not okay with her having a boyfriend yet (we were both sophomores at the time). We had been dating for a few months before the carnival.
Now, when I arrived at the carnival, I was under the impression that LaFawnDuh had told her parents about me, and since her parents would be getting her once the carnival was over, I would be able to meet them then. MISTAKE #1. So, we spent a few hours doing stuff at the carnival, and when it was time for her to go, she went to relive herself or whatever it is that females do in the bathroom. As she went to the bathroom, I went to go and meet her parents. MISTAKE #2. As I picked through the throng of people I spotted the couple she had described to me beforehand. Her dad was a bald, muscular mass of a man, like the Hulk was halfway between being Bruce Banner and the other guy, minus the green tinged flesh. Her, mom seemed nice enough. So, rather than bide my time until LaFawnDuh returned, I jumped straight into the "Hi, i'm the guy boning your daughter! Nice to meet you!".
Well, you know how they say that Giant Squids have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom? Well, I beg to differ. The looks on their faces instantly conveyed to me that they had heard (and no, the aforementioned sentences were not exactly what I said, but by their reactions, they might as well have been) something that they had never wanted to hear.
In retrospect, It could have been exponentially worse. LaFawnDuh came back soon after, and I found the soonest excuse I could to flee, tail between my legs. A few days later, LaFawnDuh texted me again, letting me know that her parents did not approve. And how could they? I was a sophomore acting like a third grader caught with his hand in a cookie jar.
However, unlike most posts in this thread, there was a light at the end of my metaphorical tunnel. About a month after she told me we needed to "take a break", she said that her parents had changed their minds, and we could date again. Of course, after that long, i had moved on, and she was the one who was hurt most, not me.
TL;DR LaFawnDuh told me that she had already told her parents about me, but didn't.
GrandTheftDroid: What are you, gay?
GnusAndRoses: Yeah, the formatting was fine when I was typing it.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405055967 | 1405317382 | t3_2aehi4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | TypicalTim: TIFU by jokingly telling my friend to take drugs
jorge1213: You need a good stomach full of ibuprofen to kill you. Although taking a handful isn't necessarily healthy.
TypicalTim: Little late, but my friend was fine. He took about 3,000mg, and it's only dangerous after like 6,000mg. He had a stomach ache for a bit and then slept like a baby for about 13 hours.
Never making a joke when handing a friend pills ever again.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405044015 | 1405087880 | t3_2ae0kh | t5_2to41 | 7 | Ancel3: TIFU by having Tourette's at my friend's birthday party.
Alright, this was actually like 3 years ago, but at least I'll get onto /r/firstworldanarchists.
So I have Tourette's, which contrary to popular belief isn't just me screaming profanities all the time, but I make smaller noises and have physical twitches. One of these physical twitches is a (usually) small fistpump, where I jerk my elbow backwards a little bit. On bad days, it turns into a *big* fistpump.
Alright, now I'm at my best friend's birthday party, and me, him and my parents are coming out of his room. Now, his room is in a small hallway, directly across from the bathroom. [Here's a helpful diagram.](http://imgur.com/8mMkCK1)
So while we're coming out, I turn around to say something, when I feel a fistpump coming on. There's not much I can do, and I didn't see someone there a second ago, so I just let 'er rip. And it was a pretty good one, too.
Only the problem is, my friend's elderly uncle (?) had decided to use the bathroom at that exact moment, and looked up just in time to see my elbow bash him in the face. Now keep in mind, I don't know this guy, and he has absolutely no idea who the hell I am, so from his perspective a strange kid at his nephew's birthday party just elbowed him in the face.
So naturally he stumbles back for a little bit and looks at me, *exactly like you would expect an elderly man who just got elbowed in the face to look at you.* And unfortunately, I was blessed with the world's worst stutter, so before I could ask if he was fucking sorry, he waddled off into the bathroom and I haven't seen him since. Apparently nobody saw it except for me and my friend, who was too shocked/laughing too hard to say anything.
This whole thing lasted about four seconds.
***TL;DR:*** I have Tourette's, one of my tics is a fist-pump. While at a birthday party, I accidentally elbowed my friend's elderly uncle in the face, and I couldn't apologise because of my stutter. He had absolutely no idea who I was and I haven't seen him since then.
Voyager5555: "so before I could ask if he was fucking sorry"
So you elbow him in the face and expect him to apologize?
Ancel3: http://imgur.com/r/4chan/3YdJs
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405058192 | 1405084831 | t3_2aek2s | t5_2to41 | 30 | vexillologist: TIFU By Misspelling My Name On My Dream Job Application
I was filling out an online application for my dream position. Perfect city, awesome pay, and I was actually qualified for it. Looked over my application and said to myself "Yes self, this is the application that will get us our dream job."
I submitted the application and started filling out another on the same site, because, well, no one should count their chickens before they hatch. The job site pre-saves information on its common form, and when I get to the basic information page I see it. Right there. Staring me in the face. My last name. Incorrect. And improperly capitalized.
*Facepalm*
After scavenging the website and frantically readings the FAQs, I slowly fill with disappointment as I realize there is no way to amend the application. But I guess I learned a valuable lesson: Never fill out a job application at 1:00am.
MarkIsntWorkingNow: Been there done that. I've screwed up my social security number on the form for employment, sent the cover letter attached but forgot the resume, sent the email but forgot the attachment, addressed a woman as Mr., and a whole mess of other fuck ups.
Thinking about it now it's pure luck I ever got a job in the first place.
mmiller1188: The SSN screw up is not a fun one. My first "real" job (not under the table) was at a Mc Donalds. The manager screwed up my SSN.
That made filing taxes real fun! Finally noticed the ssn was screwed up. Two digits were swapped.
Had to get new W2s, they had to refile some information for me.
Good thing they gave me copies of all of the tax forms I filled out so I could prove that it was their mistake!
MarkIsntWorkingNow: Mine was two digits swapped as well, it's a bitch to try and correct any type of government paperwork error. Lesson is, quadruple check yo numbers :D
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1405059835 | 1405134786 | t3_2aelwd | t5_2to41 | 9 | malkovichjohn: TIFU my first laundry experience
I'm in college and super far from my parents for the first time through a summer program offered by the school. Life seemed cool, I managed to not get hurt or fail my first week classes. However, the more I started being on myself the more I started realizing the responsibilities I had for keeping myself together. Things like going to the bank for receiving cash, getting appointments for a hair cut, and learning how to recover from a cold or some sickness I got from the people in the floor. Learn to do the laundry was one of those responsibilities I had to do on my own tonight.
It seemed simple - go to the room, pay in coins to wash the dishwasher, and then put the washed clothing in the dryer. I went up to the machine and started unloading the clothes..so far so good. Then came paying up: I put a bunch of coins in that were all quarters except for one nickel. I had enough in change to satisfy the $1.75 washing requirement. But it wasn't in all quarters..which the sign I COMPLETELY ignored said. I ended up jamming the coin slot and rendered the whole machine useless as well as losing $1.50 of my change. I come back really ticked off with the main director of the residential office who then took the nickel out with scissors, much to my embarrassment in front of everybody.
Then came the damn detergent. I thought it was my lucky day because I had those little liquid detergent balls that already had a good amount of washing crap in it for my clothes. I ended up completely using it the wrong way, I put the little detergent ball in the DETERGENT SLIDER and push it back in. I learned later, that you actually put those stupid things in with the clothes but not the slider - which is used for liquid washing stuff.
So my clothes come out wet but not clean or good-smelling. Pissed off but too tired to react outrageously, I put my clothes in the dryer. I wait for that damn thing to finish, and guess what? THE CLOTHES WERENT EVEN DRY. I don't even understand what could have happened, I put it on the right heat settings (medium heat) and wasted 45 minutes of my life just staring at the damn thing.
I don't understand. I know people in my hall who've done this since they were 7 years old without any actual trouble. College sucks.
AlyceSparkz: 1. Why were you doing laundry in the dishwasher? and 2. you can set the dryer all you want but you have to push the knob to turn them on...
malkovichjohn: I always mix up washing machine with dishwasher in my head..sorry.
| 3 | 3 | |
1405049764 | 1405091603 | t3_2ae97l | t5_2to41 | 38 | nonaccountable: TIFU by finishing strong
Context: I have had bronchitis for the past few weeks but I thought it was just a cough because it wasn't bad until recently when I started having awful cough attacks. The cough attacks are usually triggered by some shortage of breath and they're so uncontrollable that sometimes I throw up because I can't catch my breath.
So…last night. I'm getting a little pre-sleep jerking in and I'm coming toward my climax. It was one of those endings where you hold your breath because you're going to jizz that hard. Anyways as I'm jizzing, I release my breath and trigger a violent cough attack. With semen tissue still in hand, I have to sit up in an attempt to regain my breath. I proceeded to cough so hard that I throw up in my bed and all over my private parts. When I finally regained my breath, I just sat there in disbelief. It was quite the cleanup.
**TL;DR**- Bronchitis. Jizzed so hard I triggered a cough attack. Sat up and Threw up on my dick, still holding semen tissue.
Lakonthegreat: I'm a respiratory therapist.
If you're coughing hard enough to trigger a vagal response, I.E. vomiting, then you should see a doctor if you haven't already. I've seen several people get bronchitis like this, develop pneumonia, then end up dying from said pneumonia. All because they just didn't go to the doctor in time.
nonaccountable: Saw a doctor a few days ago. Indeed I have pneumonia.
Lakonthegreat: Then another suggestion: go to your local pharmacy and purchase a cheap pulse oximeter. It reads your blood oxygen level through an infrared probe on your fingertip. If for any reason this dips below 88% for any extended period of time, call 911 or go to the hospital immediately. Extended meaning more than 10 minutes and staying there or repeated periods of being below 90%.
It could save your life, OP.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1405061347 | 1405063709 | t3_2aenid | t5_2to41 | 6 | Kastix: TIFU by taking my missus to a strip club
So this actually happened last weekend, but im still sore from it. Forgive me for bad writing, 1st time writing tifu.
Im male, 26.
So saturday night finally rolls around and we are planning to meet up with her friends at 6pm for a nice dinner. We get inside the chinese restaurant but soon discover that half of the food my missus is allergic too. After realising were going to go hungry we sip on water and wait for all her friends to finish their meals. About an hour 30 later, we finish up and the friends depart to do their pre-planned activity (we got tickets too late) and me and the missus head to a friends bar. This is where the night pretty much starts.
Since its my friends bar he loads us up with plenty of booze and fancy drinks. My missus loves herself a cocktails and i enjoy the way she says half of them, (Who cant love when they say 'a screaming orgasm') so i keep the drinks rolling and get us some food to munch on. Fast forward about 2 hours filling up with drinks and food and we decide to check out the town. Currently walking down the street looking for a place to find a drink and stumble across a strip joint.
Me and the missus always enjoy fun and kinky stuff so she happily agreed to go in (I've never been inside one) as long as their isnt any funny business from me. We walk in and it is $20 entry each for us. Place is packed to the brim with guys and half naked women, so naturally its a giant party. We soon find a table and i get us some drinks. My jaw nearly drops to the floor as it is $12.50 per drink (Beam & coke + Vodka & Redbull) but as were both having a good time i happily fork it out. Fast forward about 30-45 minutes of 6-8 trips to the bar and us happily talking away about life and the women there and we get approached by one of the hotter girls. Now since we got there the missus has been adamant that i need to get a lap-dance by myself to enjoy it and she would be ok with it. After talking to the girl i just suggest that we both get a lap dance, so she wouldnt feel uncomfortable. $100 later for both of us and were in the back room enjoying this girl pretty much get pussy to face with my missus. 90% of the time the stripper was on my missus, so naturally i sit there and enjoy watching.
After done my missus said how wet she is after watching and feeling that and i say its time to go. (2am) We catch a cab and are texting furiously about what we are going to do to each other when we get home. Walk in the door, strip off and head straight for the bedroom. Now me and the missus are the kinky type, enjoy plugs/dildos/handcuffs and other enjoyable play toys, just recently we bought a strap-on. I was a bit nervous to try it but seeing i was filled with booze and im often the one sticking it in her ass, think i was overdue. She loaded up and lubed it ready to go. I soon discovered that while hammered, it still hurts like a bitch when it goes in. After about 5 minutes of her going to town, she says its my turn and we swap.
I lubed up her ass and go nuts, pounding away for about 7-8 minutes trying to make myself cum while drunk. (No easy task) I finally get on the last stride and she says for me to come in her ass, which i happily agree. We flop down and pass out then i wake up in the morning and check my bank account. Then i try to sit down.
TIFU by realising i spent $500 at a strip club for a night out and how much my ass hurts for like 3 days.
TLDR: Took missus to strip club, dropped $500, missus pounded ass and now sore as fuck.
brandstark: You say missus a lot.
Kastix: Holy fuck i do too.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405061704 | 1405083573 | t3_2aenvn | t5_2to41 | 104 | [deleted]: TIFU by fondling a card in my pocket
Unlike most of the stories, this happened today, like 2 hours ago. So, I have this thing of playing with the edges of a card. Sharper it is, more fun I have. I had this huge meeting with my boss and other dept. Managers where we were discussing our monthly targets. Needless to say, it was as boring as Kirsten Stewart's face. Subconsciously, my mind wandered towards the card which I had in my pocket and I began playing with it. Suddenly, the boss looks at me and shouts - "What the hell is wrong with you?". I was like - "WTF". And then I understood. As the card was in my upper pocket, It looked like I was fondling my nipples. As soon as the realization struck, I started laughing and told him that I was just playing with the card. He didn't looked convinced, neither did the other managers. Needless to say, it's very awkward now. Thinking of leaving the office early.
TL; DR : Was fondling the card in my pocket. Boss mistook it as my nipples. Awkward much.
mochamucha: u a dude or a dudette?
[deleted]: dude.
sundevils2014: thats why you didnt get away with it.
craznazn247: Agreed. There is at least 97% less objection to women playing with their nipples.
| 5 | 20.8 | |
1405062080 | 1405121876 | t3_2aeobc | t5_2to41 | 4 | someevenfall: TIFU by sending an impulsive Facebook message.
BigBrother1: Dude its alright, you're over thinking it. Although not many people explain how they feel or how grateful it is to meet up with a friend its fine. Just forget about it and don't mention it again.
someevenfall: Thanks. He said he was busy with work/moving/whatever but that he liked hanging out with me too and that we would have to meet up again in a few months...so I guess it all works out in the end!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405057488 | 1405105450 | t3_2aej90 | t5_2to41 | 15 | toolong46: TIFU by drinking my makers mark after leaving it open for a day
I was pouring my makers into a cup to do my standard makers and coke. Then I saw little solid black pieces fall in with the the whiskey. I thought, oh shit, thats probably the grain they use to make it.
I look closer and see there's wings on it. I was drinking a handle with a ton of dead fruit flies in it. My friends were all commenting on how the texture was funky and I simply thought its because there were ice shards from the whiskey.
TL - DR
Yea, I'm a fucking alcoholic and I drank a handle of makers with dead fruit flies in it.
Arm-the-homeless: fuck it, protein.
Becbec3: Nice logic there! Still eww
| 3 | 5 | |
1405064805 | 1405207513 | t3_2aeqw5 | t5_2to41 | 63 | Ambinevolence: TIFU by digging through a HDD that's sixteen years old.
I found an old suicide note. I originally wrote it during school when I was 8 years old, though that original version is long gone. I eventually migrated it to a computer and updated it until I turned 17 (in 1998) then lost the file due to hiding it too well... which, for better or for worse, convinced me not to commit suicide as I had put dozens of hours of work into it by that point and I felt it unfair to leave my friends/family without a meaningful good-bye. Updating this letter is largely responsible for the improvement of my writing and vocabulary for the 9 years I kept up with it.
Reading over it I got a flood of negative emotions. Although I've grown as a person past the point where I'd consider suicide any longer it made me realize that now (at 33) I'd have far fewer people who would care that I was gone and I doubt I'll ever write anything as poignant ever again. This has pretty much stomped a shithole in my urge to write, which sucks because that's what I do for a living. FUCK!
Aside from a few spelling corrections this is the unabridged note:
>Dear Family and Friends,
>
>I am so sorry. I am aware that what I've done has hurt you, and there's no way to adequately express the crushing guilt I feel about creating unhappiness in anyone's life. If I were but a less selfish person I would have endured purely for the sake of others, and as repentance I can only hope this letter provides some degree of consolation. I understand that what follows may come as little comfort in these times; though it may be a lot to ask it is my sincere wish that you view my death as a transformation to a state of peace I was unable to accomplish for any meaningful length of time in life.
>
>You've all been spectacular people and I was blessed to have known each and every one of you. This would be a book if I were to individually thank everyone for being so kind and caring - in a weird way I suppose what has happened has proven I was undeserving of your kinship. I have always felt loved and had a very special connection to those closest to me, which made my final decision one of great consternation. I have been privileged for having you all in my life and I feel it absolutely vital you do not blame yourselves for this. As in all matters I take full responsibility for my own actions. I have decided to end my life in a state of full lucidity and want you to understand that nothing is "wrong" about this. It is a good thing.
>
>So now we get to the "why." Although I will admit to a general ennui I sincerely doubt it is a malaise born of clinical depression. I have simply reached a state of existential awareness from which there is no return. Sparing you the same horrific realizations I have confronted it's simplest just to state that my understanding of the universe has reached a point where I am no longer capable of "fulfilling" emotions. The vast shadow of unrepentant pointlessness looms over the entirety of my every waking moment and reduces everything to a cosmic joke. My foolish childhood desire to understand the nature of reality has culminated in a staring contest with the void from which there is no reprieve.
>
>To my parents specifically I'd like to say thank you. You've always encouraged me in the most wonderful ways to expand my mind, and while my ravenous pursuit of the meaning of existence has revealed a terrible grayness I can no longer face I wouldn't have had it any other way. To squelch my curiosity would have been a crime. The amount of respect I received from you both - to be regarded as not simply a child, but as a human in possession of equal capacity for insight and opinion - had been a highlight of my life. There is no higher regard for me to hold you in. I thank you for allowing me to understand truth and in helping me become the type of person capable of critically analyzing information and making my own decisions.
>
>I am well aware of the opinion that suicide is preventable, and perhaps mine ultimately could have been. After all, I've turned over the idea of ending my life for almost a decade in my mind - and what is the mind save for the magical mix of lucidity and chemicals produced in the brain? Maybe drugs would have robbed me of enough of "me" to keep trudging along. There's always the chance that the right mix of molecules would have created enough of a mental fog that I'd have been unable to see a big enough picture to conceptualize the futility of existence. I find it hard to believe that ANY of you who actually took the time to know me would support the idea that I live such a lie as being medicated. While I don't believe in an afterlife I know that many of you do; if it so happens I'm there, I can assure you that had I been fed a persistent stream of prescription chemicals I'd be resentful toward those who supported such a recourse.
>
>There's so much I want to say. This note is frustratingly impersonal and brief, yet I know that if I were to talk to any of you in person your only concern would be to stop me. I want to hold your hands and tell you that this is all okay. I want to make you realize that there is simply no way I could be happy unless I were to be robbed of a vital portion of my faculties. In order for you to truly understand I would have to impart realizations upon you which would drag your very consciousness to a living hell. I'm simply not capable of committing anyone else to the damnation I've gone to the ultimate length to end.
>
>If you remove the cover to the electrical outlet in my closet you will find the outlet itself is disconnected. Behind it is my life savings of approximately $3500 [USD]. I would like this money to be donated to the ACLU. Aside from the pieces/board which my family wishes to keep the entirety of my chessboard collection should be donated to the World Chess Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C. My car should be given to [my younger brother] when he gets his license next year. All of my other belongings may be done with entirely as pleased. I have gone to lengths to ensure that my corpse will be "fresh" upon discovery; I wish all salvageable parts to be donated, and that the remainder of the remains be disposed of in the most environmentally and economically conscious way possible. I want no memorial marker of any type. Any service held should be in the spirit of joviality and celebration.
>
>-- [me]
TL;DR - Go back and read the VERY FIRST SENTENCE of this post.
[deleted]: How had you saved $3500 at 17....thats madness.
Ambinevolence: About $1000 was saved allowance and Christmas/birthday money over the years prior to 15 when I got my first job, which is where the rest came from. I'm pretty awesome at money management. The $3500 was just my squirreled away cash; I still had both checking and savings accounts.
[deleted]: Fair play to you , I had 0 savings at 17 and 0 now at 23 .....Money management is not a strength of mine.
Ambinevolence: My mom's an accountant, so that's one of the abilities I simply grew up with. The irony is that I plan to retire very comfortably at 40 years old, but a few years ago I decided to vastly simply my life. I currently live on only $500/month and have a revolving balance of only about $2000 in my checking/savings accounts in order to pay for unexpected things like car repairs and whatnot. Rent is super cheap here in Wisconsin.
Cheewii: Wow, sounds like you belong on /r/personalfinance! (...or /r/frugal_jerk) What are some things that everyone seems to need but you don't?
Ambinevolence: 1) Basically anything that involves debt. I never actually got a degree but the college courses I took I paid for straight up, I don't have credit cards, and I don't buy things which I can't afford to purchase outright immediately. Given, this is easier once you have a pool of cash to work with but the theory is sound. I don't need to pay money to use money.
Furthermore, I take advantage of bank offers to give you $$ to open an account and have it for six months - I never spend out of it and close the account after I get paid. Once I started doing this I got more of the offers more frequently because my name was on a list.
2) My own place. I've lived with bands for the past half a decade. There's not a lot of structure to this kind of lifestyle, and some people in the music scene are super shady (I had my coin collection stolen at one point) but rent/utilities/internet shakes out to about $200-$300/month. A band that tours a lot LOVES to have someone to watch the place while they're gone. This isn't my ideal since I'm an introvert, and when I retire I'll get my own place, but in the interim it's great. Good free live music (practices) and on the rare occasions I want to go out partying it's easy to find cohorts. Truth be told, I probably wouldn't leave the house for days on end without band antics... someone ALWAYS has fireworks and beer.
3) Structure. I write for a living, which means I make my own hours and don't have to drive somewhere every day. On the high end gasoline runs me about $40/month, but usually it's only about half that. I've become quite accustomed to walking and biking places. I used to get an unlimited student bus pass for $20/month through a local tech school but... structure. My auto insurance cost is virtually nonexistent - I never had an accident and have a bunch of "safe driver courses" under my belt.
4) Because my income is so low I qualify for state programs. Free medical and $200 for food every month - which means I very rarely go out to eat. I spend about $20 of my own money on food each month and have REALLY learned to love cooking.
5) A significant other and offspring. What partially inspired me to do this was a divorce; my ex (who had a son from a previous marriage) insisted on being in charge of ALL of the finances and she was terrible at spending, investing, planning... basically anything involving money. I went along with it because I get stupid when I'm in love. On top of being able to better control where my money goes I realized that just being WITH someone costs hundreds of dollars in entertainment per month so that you are distracted from your loathing for each other. Just kidding (sort-of).
Despite having an amazing relationship with a local woman who is self-reliant we are fully understanding that our life paths are going in two very different directions and we might only be together for another year or two. I always wanted to date someone in a process-oriented fashion rather than a goal-oriented one, and I finally get to. It's fucking fantastic. This is the first time I haven't been pressured to "take the next step" and it's so nice to know that she's interested in ME and not just being with SOMEONE. There is a sort of contentment [stability] which isn't there compared to being with someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with. I love kids, but with the way the world is going I feel it would be irresponsible to bring more people into it... plus, see the OP. It's not like I ever "forgot" the shit that inspired the note, I just learned to flavor my perspective and cope.
6) Fancy electronics. My laptop (my only computer) is almost a decade old. My smartphone is 4 years old (and only costs $25/month). This is probably the second biggest concession for me after the SO/kids thing. I know that my hardware is going to start breaking soon and I've been lecherously eyeballing replacements. My heart cries out to drop thousands of dollars to get the newest tech as that's what I used to do before I was married (and to a lesser extent during) but thankfully the realization that EVERYONE wants ALL of my data has helped me create a buffer of incredulity regarding the benefit of having my life intertwined too closely with devices.
7) Impulse shopping. Yes, I impulse browse... DAMN YOU WOOT AND THAT DAILY DEAL... but if I'm going to buy anything online for more than $10 I research it until I'm convinced it is the best value to be found. Most times I end up talking myself out of the purchase during the research process. Besides, odds are that the item is just going to be "clutter" 75% of the time. I'm actually in the process of getting rid of a lot of superfluous belongings and using the proceeds to help upgrade those I'm keeping.
TL;DR Debt, solo living, structure, not being considered legally indigent, companionship, the newest electronics, impulse shopping.
Cheewii: Wow, thanks for replying with such a long and detailed answer! Sorry for kind of turning it into an AMA. It's very interesting to know how exactly you spend so little, especially when I myself can't understand why my peers always run out of money and cringe when they impulse buy. It is much easier for me since I'm still a student, but it was very nice to get some detailed insight into managing money with adult responsibilities, thank you!
Ambinevolence: You're welcome. It is important to note, however, that resource acquisition is an instinctual drive. On top of that, many first world nations have a "consumer culture" which reinforces the ties between buying things and happiness. It's not necessarily easy to deprogram yourself even if you're aware of these factors as you've been receiving the messages your entire life and in all likelihood will continue to. Having and spending less money does indeed trigger anxiety; it makes it easier to deal with if you're in a more rural area and/or can otherwise limit your advertising intake. I went to NYC after living like this for six months and felt very much like an outsider because there was just all this stuff to spend money on EVERYWHERE in addition to big flashing signs encouraging it. I felt the same way I did as when I was in a heavily Christianized afterschool program during childhood despite not believing in god(s).
| 9 | 7 | |
1405066292 | 1405089590 | t3_2aes62 | t5_2to41 | 17 | hapa_li: TIFU by not washing my fruit
To start, I've always been of the mindset that what doesn't kill you won't kill you, so I rarely wash my fruit because how much harm can a little dirt/pesticide/whatever really do in the long run.
Anyway, earlier today I bought a carton of fresh, delicious raspberries and immediately began chomping down on them. Suddenly, there was an odd crunch and an acrid taste filled my mouth. Disgusted, I spat the contents of my mouth into a napkin.
There, in my gloppy, half-chewed mess, was the horrifyingly unmistakable leg of a spider.
Needless to say, I won't be eating raspberries again for quite some time. TIFU.
-----
TL;DR didn't rinse my berries, accidentally ate a spider
themusicliveson: How big were these berries?
How small was that spider?
Either way, free protein and you didn't die! Good day.
suigenic: /r/frugaljerk
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1405071450 | 1405114890 | t3_2aew5i | t5_2to41 | 127 | throwaway66600: TIFU by sneaking into a strangers window. NSFW
This just happened about an hour or so ago.
For starters I am a guy who would cross the god damn bermuda triangle if it meant getting my dick sucked. Well to start off this roller coaster, I was at home messaging girls as usual on week day night hopping to have at least some sexting or picture trading. One girl that I was messaging seemed really interested and gave me her kik and of course being the teenager I am I decide to tell her how its been so long since I've had any.(she seemed that easy) She replied with a picture of her in her short shorts and long t-shirt. I was content with stopping there and just getting off to the picture for the night;however, she was not. She kept persuading me to go over with the promise of a BJ since she was on her rag...
I was already kinda nervous since I have never snuck into anyones house before while the parents are there. I park my car in an empty lot in front of her house and see her waving her phone at her window. I hear the dogs barking next door and dive straight into her window onto her bed into complete darkness with hopes no one was awoken. She doesnt say anything and i can barely make out her figure. She didn't say a word which I thought was because she didn't wanna wake her parents up. So I can see her motioning me to take my pants off or lower them so I do and she begins to suck me off even though I'm limp. I am in my heaven. She doesn't half ass suck it like most teenage girls. She actually tries to suck the demons out of me. While I'm enjoying myself getting sucked I notice through the light through the window that the hair on this girl is curly. The picture I had gotten earlier from the girl was straight hair. I start freak out a bit. I grab the girl's phone since it's laying next to me and turn on the screen and flash it over the person sucking me off and see their hair is curly black and not too long but long enough to cover their face while they blew me. I'm already getting a good blow job and about 50% sure that I'm getting blown by a dude since they wont let me touch them. I didn't wanna stop them because I was afraid they might get angry or so. So I decide my best bet is just to finish and get the hell out of there without making any noise to wake anyone. As soon as I bust my nut and the person swallows it they pull the curtain over themselves and reveal the window still open enough for me to crawl out and into my car. Once I get back to my house and interrogiate the person long enough through messaging they reveal they are a guy.
I don't know how to feel about this. I hate myself so much for letting them trick me into it. I hate myself so much right now for letting my body go through that.
tldr; I got blown by a guy who was pretending to be a girl online. Found out half way through blow job and finish and now hate myself so much.
CrowSpine: Well, it certainly sucks that you pretty much got raped, but it's not your fault at ALL. You could probably get them locked up, and depending on ages he would have to register as a sex offender. If I were you, I would report him to the police ASAP.
throwaway66600: Honestly I can't really say its rape since I didn't really say no in any way. Plus I'm over 18 years old and I'm sure the guy was around my age. IF anything I was at least hopping that this guy doesn't do this to any other people.
shukoroshi: You never gave explicit consent for that guy to suck you off. That sir, is rape.
CrowSpine: That's what I was thinking. He purposefully acted like a woman and convinced this guy to come over, just to give him a BJ. Sounded pretty rapey to me.
tehryanx: it's still not rape. What if they were a transexual, do you think there's some legal obligation for them to reveal that very personal detail before giving someone a blowjob?
LordBlackmore: It is absolutely sexual assault by deception.
tehryanx: I think you're right in this case, because he claimed to be a female. According to some really quick google research though, you don't technically have to disclose your gender as far as I can tell.
| 8 | 15.875 | |
1405069264 | 1405073486 | t3_2aeufd | t5_2to41 | 2 | rude_ass: TIFU by stopping my boss from leaving
Working in software meant we have daily multiple visits to the conference room. My boss being a conference-lover, he tends make most of spend around 2 hours daily in conference with him with meaningless as well as some meaningful meetings.
Today morning it was a bit different. He didn't seem too keen on taking any meetings but kept himself alone in it - which made me and my colleague wonder what was up. Being curious cats that we are - we tried to call him over the conference line and arrange a short meeting but no luck.
Finally, one of our clients had a bladder burst about his project progress and called for a immediate team meeting. *HAPPINESS* We were finally going to get a chance to see what was up. Meeting started and first few minutes went well when our boss suddenly excused himself and went outside the conference, closed the door and sneezed loudly. I think even the next door office heard that thunder. I looked at my colleague and we both gave the same look as if asking "Was he shielding himself because he has a bug up his nose?!?" - unbelievable. This happened 4 more times and I decided to act.
Over next few minutes in the call, I shifted my chair slowly into such position that my boss would not have a easy direct exit to the door. YES, I wanted him to sneeze in the conference, to damn with the infections. Time came and he got up and excused in a hurry but since I had blocked the way out, I took my time getting up and giving him way and making him stay. He had his handkerchief out but he did not sneeze. And there it was - the STENCH. A smell arose and attacked my nose burning all my nose hairs. The entire conference room was filled with a mind-numbing stench of the utmost dirty fart I had ever smelled in my life. Apparently, my boss was going out and farting and making it look like he was having a infection. Every one of the team members had hands on their noses and my boss was giving me the satan looks. The call was concluded soon and I think one of the team member puked as she ran into the washroom.
So, yes... TIFU by not giving my boss a quick way out of the conference.
TL;DR: Boss was masking bad stomach with infection drama and I unveiled it to the team.
qwertykiwi: ok... so all I get from this was you were a dick to your boss. Good luck with that.
rude_ass: that's why.. TIFU
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405073107 | 1405187846 | t3_2aexee | t5_2to41 | 632 | Tinkle84: TIFU by removing my Mums trousers whilst I was naked.
This happened in May...
I'm woken up by my mother screaming, this wasn't just any scream though it was so loud, constant and piercing that she must be in serious trouble. Akin to a siren *SCREAM, INHALE, SCREAM, INHALE* and repeat. Now my brain doesn't work at the best of times but first thing in the morning having been rudely awoken my scumbag brain tells me "It's an emergency Tom there's no time for clothes" So naked, dazed and nursing a half chub penis I jump out of bed and leg it down the hallway to save my mother who is almost certainly dying. I arrive at the kitchen at the same moment as my Dad who has a look of fear in his eyes also triggered by my Mums unworldly scream. As we enter the kitchen my Dad (clothed) and me (naked with hand over my rapidly shriveling cock) see my Mum hands clamped on the kitchen worktop whilst she stares out of the window still repeating the scream, inhale cycle.
My Dad grabs her spins her around, holds her hands and says loudly "What's the matter"... she screams in his face. Now this cycle repeats *SCREAM, WHAT'S THE MATTER, SCREAM, WHAT'S THE MATTER* etc. I stand there shell shocked trying to asses the situation in a logical manner. I look around the kitchen there's a knife out but she's not cut, the taps, hob and kettle are cold so she's not burned. My brain is going into overdrive, wtf is wrong with my Mum?? The screaming has been constant for several minutes by now. Is this some kind of weird stroke/medical condition. THINK! DO SOMETHING!!!!She kicks her right leg out behind her and starts shaking it uncontrollably still screaming. BOOM! There must be something in her trousers. BOOM!!! It's got to be a hornet, those bastards crawl out of the nooks and crannies of this house all the time and have a horrible sting. Without a second thought I'm behind my Mum, naked, pulling her trousers down to end her pain. Now just as I get a face full of my Mom's wobbly granny bum she snaps out of it "Stop stop!!! Th-th-th-there was a bug on my foot....."
Are you fucking kidding me? (I think) There's nothing in your trousers, no sting, no pain, no stroke, burns, cuts, life threatening injuries. There was just a bug on her god damn foot..... "Mum" I reply "It was probably a May bug" (a totally harmless beetle that's about the size of the top half of a human thumb) and sure enough cowering in the corner of the kitchen is the worlds most scared May bug, wondering what kind of banshee beasts foot it had chose to land on.
TL:DR Whilst my Dad held my Mums hands I was behind her, naked and pulled her trousers down because of a bug on her foot.
Edit: Added a word.
TheJizzBot: That's hilarious ! Did they question why you were naked afterwards?
Tinkle84: They did point out it would have taken two seconds to put the previous days boxer shorts back on as they were on the floor by my bed. However at the time it seemed those two seconds could have been the difference between life and death.
SuperBattleFranky37: is it normal to sleep naked?
wonderloss: Yes.
SuperBattleFranky37: wow I can't really imagine myself doing that, specifically because of situations like these.
[deleted]: But how are you supposed to stay cool?
SuperBattleFranky37: either live in a cool climate or turn the fan on.
sloppyjoes7: But fan death.
SuperBattleFranky37: I practice taekwondo so I'm all about dat Korean lyfe
| 10 | 63.2 | |
1405077840 | 1405306331 | t3_2af1bn | t5_2to41 | 116 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting fired for quoting Star Wars
TIFU. So basically I work for a very big company, most of you will not of heard of it though. The company has about 12/13 offices spread across the UK and the middle east.
I was quite high up in the company being a team leader, so I supervised my team while doing my own work.
I then got an email from someone in the company, someone who i had never heard of but his name was Ewan MacGregor (much like the actor Ewan McGregor who played Obi-Wan Kenobi in the Star Wars series).
The email was quite long and to sum it up, he was inviting a lot of people to a meeting. I never knew how high up in the company he was. But I seriously fucked up.
I typed my response and at the bottom I put "May the force be with you" without even thinking.
Turns out he was the about 5th in command of the whole company.
I got a phone call to go to my bosses office.
Then got fired.
Apparently he had been bullied enough in his office and a bulletin went around all the offices about this. I never saw it and got sacked. Oh how I fucked up.
octavesemitone: >Turns out he was the about **Sith** in command of the whole company.
ftfy
ChewbaccObama: about tree fiddy
| 3 | 38.666667 | |
1405080016 | 1405087222 | t3_2af3d4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in my pastors house
This happened yesterday and today.
I am house and dog sitting for my pastor this week. I dont go to church anymore so i don't see him but he is a family friend. So to the meat of the story. After seeing a bunch of NSFW pics on reddit, im hard so i decide that i need to relieve my self. I proceed to go to the bathroom and take care of business. So apparently masturbation is a sin according to the people of fox news and many other christian sources, and for this story ill agree. So since i relieved myself in my pastors bathroom, god apparently looks at this like a double sin. Because of this i assume god decided to smite me. Without thinking of what i did i go to sleep and i wake up to what sounds like the spawn of satan, but it happens to be their dog throwing up. at 5:30 in the morning. He vomits twice and i go to find the Pine-sol and paper towels to clean it up. In the process of me finding the cleaning supplies i step in the second gift from god to me...dog shit. I clean it all up and only vomited once.
TL;DR God say me masturbate and made a dog sick enough to throw up and shit on the floor at 5:30 in the morning.
paranoid_pandas: LOL I didn't know that reddit had porn!
ebouwman: /r/gonewild
And many others.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405081553 | 1405128714 | t3_2af4zz | t5_2to41 | 8,012 | whowatawhat4: TIFU by yelling walk
So this happened a few years ago, but after reading the post about the Panera guy that derp yelled in Chipotle, it reminded me of this fuck up.
So in high school I was a lifeguard at a local outside pool club during the summer. I worked long hours between 4-6 days a week and would always leave mentally exhausted because we had a crappy management where you would be staring at the pool in one spot for hours at a time. (In training you learn that you're supposed to switch around every 15-30 minutes just to stay refreshed and aware). Anyway, one particularly long shift some kids are literally just being the worst. Breaking all the rules, running around, horseplay, all the crap you need to tell them to stop doing. As I leave, I get a call from my mom telling me to go to grocery store and pick up a few things. So I decide to just go directly from work to the store in my lifeguard attire. As I'm walking down the produce isle looking at lettuce, I see a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye and turn to see a kid full on running down the isle. My brain suddenly derps and goes back into lifeguard mode and I yell "WALK!!!" in the most commanding, loud voice. The kid stops like a deer in headlights and looks terrified which is pretty much what I looked like after I realized what I did. Then I look over and find the mom absolutely glaring at me exuding the most angry nonverbals I've ever seen. I'm standing there red-faced and dumbfounded and the only thing I could think to say was "I'm a lifeguard". I then put my head down and finished shopping as quickly as possible.
TL;DR Lifeguarded the hell out of a grocery store.
EDIT: My first Front Page post would be a TIFU haha. Thank you all for enjoying my embarrassment.
CasualElephant: > "I'm a lifeguard"
I think this might have been the best thing you could have said. It seems like it clears any confusion pretty well.
programmer69: He should have added "I may have just saved your kid's life, you son of a bitch"
jdub_06: its true, lettuce is known for attacking unsuspecting children who startle it by running through its hunting ground.
spacecowboy007: Lettuce consider the validity of this statement.
jdub_06: dont make me *beet* some sense into you.
Airwrecka1789: But I do not carrot all
FrankfurterSinatra: Go on, give a better come back. I have thyme.
gurg2k1: Kumquat here on the floor and I tell you the *whole* story
[deleted]: These veggie puns are getting worse and worse. I better brocco-leave.
Airwrecka1789: No! This party is just starting! Lettuce turnip the beet!!
[deleted]: Careful, you might get arrested for disturbing the peas
bigflamingtaco: These puns will make me go bananas.
gimme_your_tots: Wanna just go veg?
| 14 | 572.285714 | |
1405081298 | 1405165507 | t3_2af4qy | t5_2to41 | 105 | Dragar791: TIFU by going in too soon and too hard
My wife and i were getting out of the clubs earlier today and went home. While we were getting ready for bed, she gave me a look. I went over to her, undressed her, and was pretty solid myself. I went for the glory and then pain, great amounts of pain shot through my penis.
I'm not circumcised and my wife is pretty tight. When i went in, my frenulum (tissue that holds my foreskin to my penis) ripped and started bleeding. It still hurts.
TL;DR i ripped my penis.
demonkaos: Isn't that supposed to rip?
robrago: did u seriously just ask if a mans foreskin is supposed to rip when having sex?
demonkaos: Not the entire foreskin, but just that tiny bit of skin. Mine went on the first go, thought that was normal. Lol
iNEEDheplreddit: Nope nope nope. Next time calm yourself and go in easy. When u meet resistance withdraw a little. You musta hurt her something fierce too
demonkaos: This is what comes from not having any sort of father figure in my life, lol. I thought it was like when a girl loses her virginity and you break that little bit of skin inside of her. When it happened to me it didn't hurt during the process, but the next couple of days it was slightly painful. There was a lot of blood!
i_pk_pjers_i: I haven't had my father in my life for years and years and still I knew this... Wow, that's scary that this happens to so many people.
| 7 | 15 | |
1405083859 | 1405086366 | t3_2af7o4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | caughtatwork: TIFU when the company's HR representative saw my browser bar.
One of Reddit's inside jokes that I never understood was about "broken arms." So, as it is my duty, research had to be done. Quickly my journey was finished as I found a story involving a mother and son relationship that had gone on for over a year. Scanned through it. Meh. Time to watch some GOT. However here is where I fucked up: I never closed the story's tab, simply switched browser windows. Fast forward to five minutes ago, when the HR representative at work comes in to give me a key to the my office door. We have a nice little chat, and I notice her glance over my shoulder (I am turned away from my computer) and look at my screen. The conversation ends a few seconds later, and she walks away. That was strange. I look back at my screen and I almost shit a brick. Just above my active browser window was the web address bar for the story I had glanced over last night, which was sitting behind my active page. The subject matter was clearly visible, as "mother-son relationship" was incorporated into the address.
kevin__k: Share your research! Link?
caughtatwork: See rule #7 on the sidebar
| 3 | 2 | |
1405080698 | 1405107335 | t3_2af43b | t5_2to41 | 94 | londoner1572: TIFU by shouting f*** her right in the pussy
My friend had just recieved his brand new Ford Fiesta a week back and wanted to show me the voice control it had and how it worked with his iPhone. We're sitting in his car and he pressed a button and it asks him for a command.
Without thinking I shout "FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY"
The voice recognition software hadn't got used to his voice yet and for some reason now it won't respond to any of his commands.
TL;DR : Shouted fuck her right in the pussy and broke my friends voice controlled audio in his car.
WhenumovedImove: Ford? Now he'll be the one getting fucked up the pussy when the dealership charges him $200 for the fix.
ninja10130: No, just tree fiddy
MrGizthewiz: Woman, whatchu doin' givin' the damn dealership tree fiddy?
| 4 | 23.5 | |
1405086534 | 1405087580 | t3_2afb3e | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking my Ipad into the shower.
Well it finally happened, it was just yesterday I was sitting there wondering when I would do something worth posting to r/TIFU and of course the very next day I fuck up.
To start we need to go back a couple months to when I purchased my new Ipad. You see I was tired of my regular Ipod which I've had for years even though it has served me well I was thinking I should get an upgrade because all this can do is play music. Fast forward a couple hours after making this decision I was hitting up the bank and off to best buy. As I walked in I looked at a few different Ipads spoke to an employee and ended up walking out with a 32gig Ipad mini with retina display after dropping what I think was $500, I don't remember the exact price, and as per usual I turn down the cashier who asks if I'd like to get the extended warranty or insurance but that isn't important, what is important is the next few months.
These were the happy times when everything was like a montage. I mean we did everything together, we played clash of clans, listened to music, went on reddit, took notes in my summer classes, learned some new cooking recipes, watched porn, and went on wonderful journeys through the fantasy worlds of whatever book I was reading at the time.. To sum it up everything was great, then finally I arrive at last night.
I had to be up early this morning, around 8am, but last night I stayed up until 2am finishing one of those books I had previously mentioned which was my first mistake because before I started reading I got this urge to jerk off, but alas I said to myself dcdc1212 you haven't in close to a week, you have the willpower don't do it, fight the urge one more day, so I did, I fought the urge. Anyway I finished my book and off to sleep I went, but some cannibalistic part of my mind wasn't satisfied, it demanded my body have the sexual release it was craving, so BAM, SEX DREAM!
Right as I'm about to get off I wake up to my second alarm and run off into the shower, Ipad innocently in hand, no really, I just planed on turning on pandora. However, once I was in the shower my instincts took over and there was the the porn, so I propped up the Ipad on it's little stand/screen cover thing and start beating it. At first everything is going real well, I feel myself reaching the end but a cramp in my arm stops me and brings me back. So after a few seconds I start to go out it again, but I've lost the feeling I'm having a hard time getting back to climax so I grab some shampoo, lather my junk in it and go at it faster and harder, with my efforts renewed I'm about to cum. But here comes the fuck up, my elbow hits the wall knocking my ipad from it's perch and falls into the shower, as the bald man begins to cry which paralyzes me in the few critical moments that I should have been able to save it. A few moments later, but what felt like a lifetime, I'm grabbing the now coconut shampoo, cum, water drenched ipad off the bottom of the shower floor, just in time to watch the screen putter to blackness. So I dash out of the shower to the kitchen, rip open a bag of rice pour it in a zip lock baggy, and throw my ipad in after it then seal it up, all while my dog watches in horror as I sprinted past him.
And now begins my wait, to see if this Ipad survives the coming hours.
TL;DR I took my Ipad into the shower, jerked off, hit the wall with my elbow knocking my few month old Ipad into the shampooy, cumy, water world that was the shower floor.
LemmeMakeThisAwkward: Is it pregnant?
FabledDesert: iPad mini jr.
| 3 | 4 | |
1405087965 | 1405091990 | t3_2afd0l | t5_2to41 | 11 | RaynaudTips: TIFU by deciding to watch MFC with a friend (NSFW)
Yesterday, actually, I found out my one friend had decided to join someone on My Free Cams to strip and do the things females usually do when they decide to "model" on that site. The idea of this friend doing this was so surprising and out of left field that I decided to tell a mutual friend about what was happening. When she saw the text, she told me to go over so we could witness this together.
So I went over and right away she tells me about how her whole family is over at a grad party at their neighbor's house and how she had just come back right before I came over feeling kind of tipsy. That would explain why she was so eager to watch our friend potentially take off her clothes for about one hundred neck beards. So she gets her laptop and I pull up the site and we're sitting on her couch as this is going on. Now our friend wasn't doing much in the way of stripping or treating, however the friend she was on with was all for it, and I think this might have been turning my friend on.
At this point, it seemed like she was losing interest in the show and gaining interest in myself. This wasn't surprising since we've already hooked up a few times prior to this point, so we just kind of rolled with it and made out there on the couch. This led to me finding my way down her shorts and into her vagina. She was getting into it and really enjoying it, when all of a sudden we hear the front door squeak open.
I quickly pull my hand out of her pants and she quickly changed the tab on her laptop while her dad made his way to the room we were in.
He walks in and stays talking to us and as we're talking I look at my hands briefly and notice that there seems to be some blood on my index and middle finger. That's weird, where did that come from, I thought to myself. Then it hit me that I had just fingered her friend as she was beginning her period. I immediately clenched my hand into a fist and shoved it right in between my legs. It felt like that man was in there for ages before he finally left the damn room.
Once he left, I turned to my friend and showed her my red fingers. Well her face instantly became the same color as my fingers as she gave me a tissue and hurried me to the bathroom. Once I came out she sort of pushed me out the door and kept saying how embarrassed she was. It hasn't been 24 hours yet but we still haven't talked since then. It was definitely an experience I'll remember, but I'm not sure how she'll react next time I see her.
TL;DR Fingered a girl while watching My Free Cams, her dad came home and I had a bloody hand
dat_karp: Period sex is great, and are a great opportunity to use your favorite condoms.
AstralHippies: And going down on her period is also a great pre-action for zombie walk!
dat_karp: I'll have to try this someday then.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1405088618 | 1405117007 | t3_2afdzf | t5_2to41 | 242 | CthulhuTheCondom: TIFU by masturbating after a long vacation day with family
I'm on vacation with my family and we're staying at a fairly decent looking hotel. It was around 1 am and I thought everyone was in bed, sound asleep. I decided to rub out a quick one while everyone was asleep. I was lying in bed, going at it, when suddenly my grandma sleeping in the bed across from me says "Cthulhu... I think you can save that for later... We need to wake up early today". I'm currently laying in bed, mortified, wondering how to clear this up in the morning.
AstralHippies: Masturbating while your family members are in the same room, dude, what?
CthulhuTheCondom: I was desperate...
[deleted]: Dude, if you can't wait until you're alone, you might have a problem. I'm not trying to be a douche but seriously man.
downloaded_dave: You've never been a young man I presume?
[deleted]: Dude, I am a young man. I get it, I understand the whole hormones thing beating the hell out of your brain. I'm not going to lie, I'm a Catholic and have a Catholic viewpoint when it comes to porn and masturbation. I'm also not going to lie and say I *don't* look at porn or masturbate. I try not to and sometimes I'm better at avoiding it than others. But the point I'm trying to make is that the guy needs to tone it down (not trying to attack him at all) if he can't hold it while he's on vacation or at least do it when no ones around. If its that much of a compulsion he might need help toning it down.
downloaded_dave: Point heard, and I think it's great you abstain because it's something you believe in so strongly. But some times you've just gotta let the demons out.
I agree with you that if OP's compulsively pulling on his pecker and unable to control it in nearly any situation there is an issue that needs to be addressed. However, I think this is really just a rookie mistake in thinking he had a window of opportunity. I don't think he's suggesting his next attempt will be rubbing it on the subway. Granny likely straightened him out with some mild embarrassment.
[deleted]: Your reply made me laugh my ass off. If i could upvote twice I would.
| 8 | 30.25 | |
1405085013 | 1405090517 | t3_2af930 | t5_2to41 | 7 | h-k-s: TIFU by trying to get high off Benadryl and Robitussin
**PLEASE DONT BE STUPID AND DO THIS**
It wasn't today; but a few years ago when I was still in the midst of doing drugs and being generally very poor in high school; I think I was a sophomore in high school when this happened, but yeah anyways, I ran out of money because I spent it all on drugs.
Now being poor and trying to get high; I decided to look up OTC meds to ingest to get high. I found out Benadryl is pure diphenhydramine (DPH) and Robitussin has this stuff called codeine and dextromethorphan (DXM). Now the codeine is self explanatory, as that is an opiate- However, DPH and DXM are strong if you take enough of it. DXM can make you go full retard if you ingest enough of it and DPH can make you see awful, awful shit. Combine that with an opiate and you become what is known as the "That guy is fucking high and it's not even 9 am- Guy" at the absolute worst. That's typically between you and people who know that you get high. In reality, whoever takes a cocktail of drugs that can make any conservative news outlet blush will look like they have the fever... That was my only saving grace that day. I took a grand total of 1000 mgs of benadryl, and was on the second plateau of the DXM.
[](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recreational_use_of_dextromethorphan#The_.22DXM_FAQ.22)
That is literally the gist of what I took. Let me tell you how I fucked up. I was about 16 or 17 years old and I decided the night before, wouldn't it be fun to try out a new drug and maybe add it up with DXM, a rather nifty psychoactive drug and see what happens? Maybe I'd have a lot of fun, so the second I woke up at 5 am; because I had to be at school early, every day, I consumed them and asked my father to drive for me instead of driving for myself because I wanted to avoid crashing into a tree or god forbid, another car. In about 30 minutes; around 6:30 when I got to school and stepped outside and I saw the incredibly dark clouds rolling down the hills towards the school, I had learned that I had fucked up in the worst possible way. I didn't overdose, I didn't strip naked but I did panic, but I kept it in my head.
Here is the rest of the story in timeframe
6:30- Felt incredible dread over the storm clouds and the drop in pressure. Vision shows these squiggly lines in the clouds. Mistake the squiggly lines for penises and walk inside the school.
7:00- In the library, sitting with friends trying not to drool. I watch a cat made out of fire come out of a book, scares me.
7:30- Class begins but I do not want to go. I try to stand on the floor; but I was crouching the whole time and a friend drags me to class. Thanks, asshole.
7:45- Anatomy begins. I stare at a skeleton with a billion fucking spiders come out of it's eye socket and it's teeth are chattering. Thank god my teacher was absent and it was like movie day. I am starting to get worried that this trip is a bit too much for me. Maybe I wasn't as hardcore as I thought I was. I immediately thought of that dumb picture "Jorge wanted to be hardcore but his mom wouldn't let him be" and I start cracking up. I was reassured.
8:30- Biology begins, I walked in reassured and sat down, thinking I was a man and a half or some bullshit. I got immediately horrified when I saw my teacher. Now in reality, she's very cute. In the trip, she's a horrifying old bitch with the face of a fire ant and the jaws of a spider. My first instinct was to try to scream, but at that point, I was basically a drooling retard, so it was more like a "uhhh-h-h-h" instead of a "OH FUCK". She picks up on this, to my dismay and thinks I have a fever. She is always, and always will be an incredibly nice person, and she even tried to help me out. She raised her hand to feel my head because she thought I was sick, which again is my saving grace. Now, apparently; my head was warm enough to register for me to be sent to the infirmary. Now, to get to the infirmary, you need to exit the science building, walk down a flight of stairs, walk across a field and go up a flight of stairs in the main building and the nurse's station/infirmary is right there. Piece of cake if you have basic memory skills. Im-fucking-possible when stoned. I went everywhere looking for that station. I somehow left premises and came back. I found it through sheer luck when I found the nurse walking to her car. She sent me home where I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid ants.
betterthanthou: I will never understand why kids would choose a school day to ingest cripplingly intoxicating substances.
h-k-s: Now that I'm older and wiser; I can say it is because of complete boredom and bragging to your friends.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405082947 | 1405095003 | t3_2af6kz | t5_2to41 | 22 | MathGrumps: TIFU by overeacting (when startled)
So I was sitting at my workstation, reimaging a computer (for the non-initiated/IT people, it's where I wipe clean/reinstall the operating system on a computer; I work in IT). The area was really quiet and relaxing, all the more better to become more focused/engrossed in my work.
Before I go to the next part of the story, I want to preface this by saying that I am not very good with being startled. If some ninja were to sneak up behind me and tickle me like no tomorrow, I wouldn't fathom what I would do in that situation.
My coworker (CW) had sneaked up behind me while I was focused on working on this computer. CW says to my ear: "MathGrumps, what are you doing?". With the reaction of a cat, I leapt up. In the span of 3 seconds, I was uttering "JESUSFUCKHOLYSHITWHATTHEFUCK!!!!". CW was in tears laughing.
The worst part was that one of the upper managers (UM) was in the same room too. UM was on the other side of the room, evaluating one of the other computers, checking for issues with the installed image. UM turned around and asked "What's going on over there?" in a concerned tone. CW warns him that "MathGrumps does not scare easily". UM slowly turned back to the computer he was working on and continued on with his work.
In the long-run of things, I don't think I fucked up big. Other coworkers and managers caught wind of this and thought it was one of the funniest things that's ever happened in this workplace. I've learned that I've been drinking too much coffee lately and need to keep in moderation from now on.
**tl;dr: I get startled pretty easily. Coworkers and managers now have ammo on which to prank me with.**
edit: Messed up the workding of my tl;dr. Nothing to see here...
itssomeone: messed up the workding of your edit too I see.
srog1104: i lol'd
LAZODIAC: You just messed up again...
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1405090576 | 1405092955 | t3_2afh6s | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by agreeing with my gf that she could stand to lose a few pounds
Title says it all. Don't do that shit, it is always a trap.
*Edit for those wanting details:
Her father passed away 2 Novembers ago and she started to gain weight then. Prior to that she was always pretty fit. Not ripped like Jesus, but no Pillsbury Dough Person either. After she gained probably 15 - 20 lbs she started talking about needing to lose weight. I love her so IDGAF and I still find her very attractive because she's still her, just her a little heavier. I also know that she's motivated by action and not by words so I didn't really verbally acknowledge her comments, I just started asking her if she wanted to go for a run after work in the coming weeks and started suggesting more healthy alternatives when she'd ask what I wanted to eat or making more healthy alternatives when it was my time to cook.
The problem is we always fall off the workout/better nutrition train not far out of the station with the usual excuses of time/energy etc. The eat right/exercise then quit both cycle has repeated itself a few times since then and this morning when she got on the scale she was 48 pounds heavier than when we met. Again, IDGAF, and I don't really acknowledge her weight announcement.
She asks "why didn't you tell me I was so fat?" To which I reply "I don't think you are." She gives me that "don't patronize me because I'm a grown person who is aware of my weight gain" look to which I reply "have you gained a few pounds, sure, but I still think you're beautiful." She says something about hoping I'm not shallow enough to see her differently after weight gain and blah blah blah eventually crying about it before I had to leave for work where I made this post.
We've since talked it out and she apologized, explained that she was upset because she's never been this heavy and that she got a bit self-conscious. She then went to the gym. So all is well.
[deleted]: Always deny deny deny....unless you enjoy never getting sex again...your woman is always perfectly in shape.
caffeinefueled: +1 even if she's shaped like a range rover.
| 3 | 5 | |
1405091592 | 1405100694 | t3_2afivv | t5_2to41 | 70 | Tat2dKing: TIFU by trying to impress a girl on my morning jog.
So today, I went running again and made eye contact with a cute blonde chick as I was approaching an 8 foot wide stream we had to cross. We both did a little smile and I thought I'd show off by running and jumping the whole thing. I forgot that I'd been running and was already tired so I pretty much just jogged up to the stream, jumped, and on the way to the other side my right foot lands in the water and the other foot ends up perfectly kicking the stream to where I jet her face. She does a gasp and an "OMG". Seeing as to how big of a fail that was, I say "OMFG I'm sorry" and run away.
I felt bad cause I ruined a moment. Then I just started laughing like an idiot while I continued running with soaked ass shoes. Going to never jog in the morning again, EVER!
Story of my life.
fedezen: TIL jumping over thing impresses the ladies.
Tat2dKing: I'm pretty sure, she wouldn't be impressed by my rank in League Of Legends.
i_pk_pjers_i: What's your rank in League of Legends?
Tat2dKing: I'd rather not say.
i_pk_pjers_i: Aww, you're no fun. :(
[deleted]: Bronze
| 7 | 10 | |
1405092427 | 1405189678 | t3_2afk86 | t5_2to41 | 895 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating expired stool softeners. [NSFL]
WARNING this is GROSS
I suffer from chronic shoulder pain and have a very touchy digestive system as it is so rather than giving me pill based pain medication I take Fentanyl patches. They work awesome for my pain and allows me to do things I never thought possible, with one awful side effect. Fentanyl turns my turds into cement bricks and backs me up for a week at a time some times.
I take stool softeners from time to time to help me poop regularly when I start to get backed up. Well yesterday morning I had to drive to Timmins from Sudbury (Ontario, Canada) for anyone who doesn't know that area it is a high way with only 1 stop in between both places then about 300km of NOTHING (minus a few houses way in the bushes for people who work in the area and on the train tracks). I took my stool softener in the morning before I started the drive, they usually take about 6-12 hours to kick in so I should have been fine. Only it was expired. Right when I got to the point when I was about 150km away from anything it happened. My stomach felt like I got stabbed and then a weeks worth of shit came out of me before I even had time to react. I slammed on the breaks and pulled over to the side of the road but it was too late. A weeks worth of shit unloaded and I was wearing shorts so it was ALL over my car, as I was cleaning up my car a police officer stopped to see why I was stopped, took one look in my car and puked all over my car adding to the mess. There was a full grown man sitting on the side of the road covered in shit and vomit crying.
The police officer felt awful for adding to the problem and seen how shaken I was so they were nice enough to call a tow truck and pay a cleaning service to clean my car. He also lived near by so he took me home and let me shower and gave me some clean clothes to wear.
I am still shaken about what happened, and have not told a soul. I was too lazy to use a throw away. I hope this doesn't make the front page or anyone recognizes my name.
Rickrickrickrickrick: So what you're saying is expired stool softeners work better and faster?
Love_Em: "Aged to *perfection*."
ask_if_im_a_sandwich: This is beautiful. Imagine the marketing. *"Our stool softeners are aged for three years in charred barrels to give you the freshest, richest, and fastest relief possible."*
Roselilly68: Are...Are you a sandwich? Also what sandwich are you?
ask_if_im_a_sandwich: No I am not a sandwich. Why do people keep asking wtf is wrong with my life
Roselilly68: I mean. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you...You look like a sandwich. [This is you](http://imgur.com/pxmqWkM)
ask_if_im_a_sandwich: Looks like some big creepy crustacean is living inside that sandwich. I recommend not eating that sandwich.
FootofOrion: Are you sure you're not a sandwich? You kinda smell like a sandwich.
ask_if_im_a_sandwich: Do I smell like a sandwich? I was going for more of a salad smell
FootofOrion: Egg salad sandwich. You quantum succeeded.
ask_if_im_a_sandwich: I fucking love egg salad sandwiches. My mom used to make them for me for when I got home from school.
| 12 | 74.583333 | |
1405094056 | 1405100715 | t3_2afmzr | t5_2to41 | 4 | dripz245: TIFU by going on Reddit
Camp_Ora: I don't get how you accidentally do this..
JuleTS: Maybe he is in the closet?
Camp_Ora: lol idk. Why would you serf Reddit in a closet?
| 4 | 1 | |
1405094570 | 1405095304 | t3_2afnu0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | tjdubsack: TIFU by taking a huge dump
So I'm applying for a second job, I have already held the position at this company but they were just bought out and the parent company requires reapplication and urine samples. I need this job, so I'm down. I took the morning off from my 8-5 to get this bullshit done. The place doesn't open until 9 so I'm not just going to be able to get up and piss. But whatever, I drink a bunch of water and apparently cranberry juice sounded like a good idea. I get there and I'm sitting in the lobby and realize I have to take a world class shit. Ohhhh fuck. I hold it, get my name called and think that maybe I can just pee and be fine. Of course I can't pee, the shit is too on the brink. I'm taking forever and the lady is knocking on the door, so I zip up and tell her I need to go #2. She's like, "damn just do it and bring me the pee. You can flush it too" (usually they are weird about it). Fuck yeah. So I unleash this crazy dump while holding the pee cup under my dick, the whole poo goes.....but no pee. I panic now and start to flush....clogged. I stay in there for another 15 or so minutes trying to pee but end up just telling the attendant. The whole room was filled with stank. She was NOT happy. Worst part is I can't just bail, I have to wait an hour before my second attempt. I'm typing this from the lobby and I'm pretty sure they have closed off that bathroom. I can see her glaring at me. I just called my boss and she is not happy about an extra hour off work.
Tldr: clogged the wrong toilet
Ghost_Rape_The_Whip: Epic fail. Damn
tjdubsack: Dude. I'm only allowed to have one cup of water every 15 minutes. I could fail to pee again
Ghost_Rape_The_Whip: And that much water might make your pee too diluted. Best of luck to you! You should probably have a stuff drink after work is done. Geez
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1405093791 | 1405118077 | t3_2afmis | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by Taking a Piss Break During Sex
I was wasted after a long company happy hour. Flirted with a co-worker and ended up taking her back to my place. So far so good right?
We begin a very steamy sex session fueled by lots and lots of drinks. It's taking longer than expected because it's hard to cum when you are THAT drunk. So she stops me in the middle of it to take a pee break. I didn't think anything of it, not the first time this has happened. She comes back and we get right back to boning. A few minutes later she stops me to go take another pee break. This time I sort of dozed off and was hoping she didn't notice when she got back to bed.
We continue to bang some more, but now I need to piss. Maybe if I take a quick piss it will help me cum some time this year. I ask politely to go to the bathroom and walk to the bathroom across the hallway. This is where I fucked up.
The lid was down as women love to leave them down. I lift the lid and I am faced with a one piece solid log floating happily in the toilet. I try not to puke or make noises, but am straight gagging for about 5 minutes. I gave up on trying to piss and just flushed that monster down. Go back to bed where she's waiting for me to continue our love making, to which my gag reflex goes off unstoppably. I just laid next to her and pretended to fall asleep, wondering what the fuck had just happened. Did she shit and not wipe before coming back to bed? Is this a prank, where is Ashton?
Tl; Dr: My one night stand got up during sex and took a monster shit in my toilet, but forgot to wipe or flush!
DaveV1968: You're weak and squeamish, like a little girl. Everybody poops. Worst thing about it is that she didn't flush.
[deleted]: Or didn't wipe.
| 3 | 3 | |
1405093755 | 1405120320 | t3_2afmgh | t5_2to41 | 21 | walterfilbert: TIFU by ending up trapped in my Hostel room (emotionally).
So, this one requires a little bit of back-story. I've spent the past five weeks living in a hostel in England as it's ideally situated next to an ecologically important site I've been managing. My stay here has been mostly pleasant, the facilities are pretty great and I have a private room to retreat to should I need to do so. BUT that being said, there is one guest here who has made life less than fantastic. For the purposes of anonymity we'll call him "Mr. F".
Mr. F. arrived shortly after I did and has been camping outside the hostel for a month now. In that time he has not changed his clothes or washed a single time. The smell is.. Let's just say I can't bear to be in the same room as him. Conversing with him is very difficult, there *is* a language barrier but Mr F. actually speaks pretty good English, despite that he's always been a bit.. odd, which means to this day I still don't know his back-story. I have no idea why he's been camped out here for a month.
Apart from his **ungodly odour** he's been fairly inoffensive, until today. I literally think he's forgotten to take his medication or something because HOLY SHIT this fucking guy.
So, I get in from work and proceed to get started on a big ol' pile of paperwork. What follows is the most horrific social encounter I've ever experienced.
Mr F. is sat in the kitchen. I am sat in the lounge area, just far away enough so that I can't smell him while I'm working.
I can hear he's becoming animated for some reason and he begins to pace around the kitchen. After a little while he starts talking to himself under his breath, which is pretty unusual.
A bit of time passes at which point he comes out of the kitchen and says to me "okaaaaaay" (sighing, he sighs all the fucking time like constantly between every word with me he's sighing. He's clearly stressed out) "so I think I am going to need a witness yes?"
"Uh.. A witness? [he looks at me blankly] ...What for? Why do you need one of those?"
He glances at me, sighs, shakes his head angrily and returns to the kitchen.
Reddit, this is where I fucked up. **I should have nope'd the fuck out of there right then**.
So a minute later he comes over, and he just sits. He doesn't try to start talking or anything like that, just sits down. His stench is completely overpowering from just a few seats away. Mr. F. literally just smells like he's bathed in stale piss and dried out in the sun. So anyway, I continue doing my laptop work things, trying to ignore his gaze (which often passes over me).
"There are some things in my.. uhh.. my.. my tent, and I do NOT know how they got there, I think maybe someone is.. someone is playing with me yes?"
"Wait what, in your tent?"
"[mumbles gibberish about tent]"
"I, I don't understand what you mean"
"There are things in my tent, yes? dead things"
"what the fuck, dead things?"
[Mr. F looks blankly at the floor for a while]
"What kind of dead things?" (I was literally imagining that someone had put squirrels or birds in his tent)
"Very small."
"Oh you mean like insects?"
"YES YES insects, it must be.. it must be because the tent. The tent I bought brand new, but it has lots of dead insects in it, so it must have chemicals on the tent, chemicals must be killing them?"
"[Mostly relieved that he's not got dead fucking birds or something in his tent] Oh right well they probably just.. you know, got trapped in and couldn't get out"
"[He looks furious and confused] The insects are not stupid! How could they do this!? Why would they do this!?"
I spent like a minute trying to draw comparisons between like moths and flies and shit getting trapped in houses, and he finally slowly begins to accept that maybe that's why he has insects in his tent. He mumbles lots while I am trying to explain.
An awkward silence falls, I am simply content the conversation is over and go back to my phone, where I am relaying the unfolding horror to my girlfriend in real time.
After a little while he sighs angrily and goes back into the kitchen.
I foolishly breathe a sigh of relief. I thought it was over. It was only just beginning.
And so he returns. I had a second chance to leave and I didn't take it, what is wrong with me? Once again he comes back and just... sits. Sits **right opposite me**. Well within smelling distance.
The awkward silence is broken only by the music coming from reception and the tippety tappity of my laptop keys.
He starts - "So, when do you leave?"
[I politely tell him my story, about why I am working were I am, and when I am due to leave. After I have finished I return the question (hoping to Odin that it's soon)]
"[he takes another big angry sigh] Actually I think I leave today"
"Oh okay, cool (thankyou Odin!)"
More silence.
He suddenly bursts out "Did YOU put this music on?"
"Uhh no I didn't actually, it was.. It was Ant, Anthony. [he looks confused] You know, the guy from reception? The receptionist Anthony."
"[still confused] what is ant?"
"no.. not an ant. Anthony"
"YES I KNOW WHO ANTHONY IS BUT WHAT IS ANT"
"[deep breath] (holy shit why am I still here, help me pls) An ant is like.. a tiny little creature, a small insect"
I point to a picture of an ant which is conveniently placed on the wall above my head (long story).
He takes a moment and begins chuckling. This is the first time I have heard him laugh in a month.
His chuckle turns into what can only be described as blood curdling maniacal laughter. He has literally lost control. He gets up, bent over from laughing and goes into the kitchen for a time, where he proceeds to laugh even louder. He laughs for like a whole minute.
I am just sat there. I am so confused. I don't understand. He is still laughing.
Mr. F returns, once again, and sits.
"How old are you by the way"
"Oh.. uhh, I'm 22"
"Nooooooooo, you are not 22! How old are you?"
"[mildly amused] haha, I'm definitely 22!"
"No."
[brief awkward silence]
"(trying to play it off as if I'm not terrified) Oh okay, how do you know I'm not 22 then?"
"You are just not. I know this. You are 23 maybe."
[no longer amused]
[he stares at me]
My mind is close to exploding from the sheer social pressure at this point. I have never had anything like this happen to me in my life. I have no idea how to react. So I just sit there, pretending to work and still giving my girlfriend live updates.
Mr. F - "Hey look."
"Uhh what? where? look at what?"
"Look here on my sockets"
"What.. what?"
[lots of mumbling]
"I.. I don't understand"
"LOOK RIGHT HERE, MY SOCKET. WHAT IS THIS?"
"Your *sock*?"
"Yes, yes look on my sock here it is"
"There's nothing there I don't-"
"By my shoe"
"No I can't see anything there what is it?"
"look right here"
(There is absolutely nothing on his sock or near his shoe)
"Oh yes I see it right there look" (I am pretending because this man is scary)
"What is the english word for this insect?"
"(OH JESUS CHRIST WHY DID I PRETEND) oh I'm.. I'm not really sure"
"No come on you know this one"
"No... really I'm sorry I just uhh I don't know.."
"Is it called a uhhh... a uhhhh, fly?"
"(thankyou god) Yes yes it's called a fly!"
There was definitely no fly on his leg.
"Ahh yes see, now I know its objective"
"Oh.. really? (what the fuck?)"
"Yes yes look at it"
*Still nothing there.*
"...So what is it's objective then?"
"You see here, my... my trouser is wet"
Here can indeed see that the top of his leg is indeed very wet. This is too much. I make motions that I have finished my work and begin to gather my things.
"It wants to get to my wet trouser" [insane laughter]
**[gathering intensifies]** "wh.. does it?"
"yes can you guess why my trouser is wet?"
(OH JESUS CHRIST IS THAT PISS? PLEASE THAT CAN'T BE PISS NO PLS)
"I.. From washing up?"
"No, no no no!"
"From uhhh... being in the tent?"
"[he seems pretty angry every time I get it wrong] No!"
"Well yep I have no idea, sorry. I'm going to go now."
I've hit my breaking point and nope out of there like I should have done 15 minutes ago. In the guise of remaining civil, before I leave I ask him when he's leaving and finish off with;
> Well, **nice to have met you**, all the best
After the unrelenting social horror, I still manage to be polite. British to the core. This is where the story gets properly batshit though. I wasn't out of the woods yet.
I've been in my room 5 minutes and am letting the waves of sweet relief wash over me, trying to process what the fuck just happened. The stairs begin to loudly creak. There's someone coming up the stairs.
There is a rap at my door.
^ohgodwhy
I open the door. He is stood there for a few seconds, deep in thought before he starts asking me about all the different parts of the eye.
Confusedly, I answer his queries one by one "Eye lid, eye-ball, eye-lashes" etc.
He stands there... thinking... looking intently at the ground for about 30 seconds.
"What uhhh... are you trying to think of a word for something?"
Complete stony silence. He stands in my doorway for another 30 seconds before asking
"What is name of insect that makes honey?"
"Bees?"
"Yes bees! Bees!" (He's raising his voice at this point) "Bees! Bees! **Bees make one thousand honey**" (breaks into full on top of his voice shouting at my face)
"**YES BEES WE MAKE TEN THOUSAND HONEY. TEN THOUSAND HONEY 2014. TEN THOUSAND HONEY 2014.**"
(Sprints down stairs continuing to shout gibberish about bees)
He came back but I've been locked in my room for over an hour now typing out this whole horror story.
**tl;dr: Mr. F loves bees?**
h-k-s: This guy sounds like he is a paranoid schizophrenic. Treead carefully; he's not likely to harm you, but If you are engaged in conversations with this Mr. F; do the most neutral answers and questions.
hlabarka: >
> "[Mostly relieved that he's not got dead fucking birds or something in his tent] Oh right well they probably just.. you know, got trapped in and couldn't get out"
I dont think you can make that diagnosis from this text alone Dr. h-k-s. It could very well just be someone who doesnt speak English trying to communicate with someone who has no experience dealing with different cultures.
mq999: I thin the Bee shouting and peeing his pants is a bit weird.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1405080902 | 1405096988 | t3_2af4a3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | richnessness: TIFU by thinking I still had lab skills
So I work in material development for a company. For the last couple of years I have mainly project managed and been confined to a desk but in the past I used to work quite a lot in the lab/small production facility we have on site.
Today I happened to be wearing a brand new polo shirt I had recently purchased for the first time. Today also happened to be a day when a couple of people took holiday. Being the nice guy that I am I volunteered to help out a guy in the lab making some samples, as this technique is a two man job. In my arrogance I neglected to wear a lab coat and proceeded to assist my colleague, he was moulding some components using PU (polyurethane) & I was shutting tools behind him. Well I was full of energy after leaving the desk for the lab and slammed shut the tool, this projected bright orange PU onto my new top ruining it (cured PU does not come out).
We then proceeded to break the machine & burst a water heating pipe for the tool.
Safe to say I haven’t "still got it".
http://imgur.com/os7tfRy
T_at: > Today I happened to be wearing a brand new polo shirt I had recently purchased for the first time.
..you recently purchased it for the first time? You know it won't be brand-new on any subsequent time you purchase it, right?
richnessness: Ah grammar, it won't be new brand new at all anymore :(
T_at: You have my sympathies, though.
I'm in management now, and thankfully it's I a whole different industry from that of my 'individual contributor' days, so the temptation to go back and play at being a member of the team is effectively removed. :-)
| 4 | 3 | |
1405091312 | 1405098769 | t3_2afiet | t5_2to41 | 20 | shutup_imtalking: TIFU by trying to kill a spider.
I had to pee.. bad. So here I am peeing, standing with dick-in-hand and the stream is strong with this one. All of a sudden there is a spider crawling on my left leg, I should probably state that I am terrified of spiders, naturally I freak out and try to kill it. While I'm peeing I bend to the left to try to smash the spider with my hand and I proceed to piss all over myself. All over my pants and in my shoes.. the damn spider got away too.
herpderp1132: you didn't kill the spider, you had one job.
You pissed on your self for nothing.
IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!!!
shutup_imtalking: I had to shower and then go to work, it's okay though.. I made sure to set the house on fire before I left. We're all good. Crisis averted. The entire neighborhood would've been screwed if I would've left and done nothing.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1405096281 | 1405171892 | t3_2afqrn | t5_2to41 | 2 | Retral-Mega: TIFU by not telling my friend to stop.
Silverlight42: Is your friend blind and you were being his eyes?
Retral-Mega: Seems like it.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405098979 | 1405099351 | t3_2afvr3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | SourCreamWater: TIFU by accidentally yelling racial slurs at a girl I like.
This was a couple weeks ago, but oh well
I was picking up some friends to go surfing, so I popped the back so they could load up their boards and stuff. I don't know the origins of the term, but when you get wax on the bottom of your surfboard, it's called a Chinese wax job. When stacking boards, you usually put a towel or something in between them to avoid this. For as long as I can remember, my friends and I had just started calling a Chinese wax job a "ching chang."
So my buddy is about to put his board on top of mine with nothing in between them, so I turn and yell "HEY! NO CHING CHANG!!" with all my windows down right as a pretty little Asian girl in my neighborhood that I have a crush on is riding past on her bike. She just glares as she rode past us.
I wanted to explain, but then realized that my explanation of "Chinese wax job" would not help my situation in any way. Guess I won't be asking her out after all.
TL;DR It's not even long. Read it.
smoothcam72: DON'T FORGET THE STUPID BEANERS! I yell to my friend as he gets out of his car at the climbing gym. We're in dallas with beautiful Latina ladies everywhere . . .
SourCreamWater: Hahah oh god no! I think that's actually worse.
For anyone that's confused, [Carabiners *(beaners)* are these things used for rock climbing.](https://www.google.com/search?q=carabiners&safe=off&client=firefox-a&hs=xw0&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&channel=fflb&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=Lh3AU_DfJsvj8AX0zoHACA&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAg&biw=1920&bih=969)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405097926 | 1405111998 | t3_2aftsp | t5_2to41 | 8 | dearmrsdarling: Tifu by getting annoyed with a crying infant...
I work at a kiosk in our local mall. Because of this I often have random people just standing in the aisles catching up with their long lost friend.
Usually this doesn't bother me. People watching is half the fun of working here. However, yesterday I was helping out a customer that was trying to find a gift for their boyfriend who was deploying this weekend when we hear this infant start screaming and crying and yelling, "Mama! Mama! Mama!"
The girl sighed, and I rolled my eyes and said, "The best birth control is a screaming baby, am I right?"
Then the family broke up their conversation and walked past us.
Turns out the "infant" crying was actually a 7-year-old mentally handicapped child who couldn't control herself.
And now I feel like such a shit person.
Tl;Dr - Was annoyed with a crying "infant" that turned out to be a mentally handicapped 7-year-old.
Silverlight42: Even better birth control is a screaming mentally handicapped 7-year old, am I right?
winkwinknudgenudge
Dinosoarman: Can confirm, am autism
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405100051 | 1405103616 | t3_2afxqt | t5_2to41 | 20 | bunni_bear_boom: TIFU by asking my boyfriend if hed like watching me fuck another girl NSFW
So for most of my life Ive been mostly attracted to girls but I've been with my boyfriend on and off since we were 14 so I've never fucked anyone else. He knew I'm bi and hes fine with it. We do some weird shit with sexting and he was sending me a bunch of lesbian henti so I figured hey it turns him on and I'm curious so I might as well ask. NOPE. The way he took it was that he wasn't good enough and i wanted to cheat on him. He cried and was so pissed. Still mad at me and might dump me
TL;DR my boyfriend thinks I want to cheat on him
eatmyflakes: I think if you were going to ask him, you should at least say that you woukd look for a girl that you can both fuck. You've left him out. Basically, that IS cheating. Would you let him fuck someone else while you can only watch?
bunni_bear_boom: I suggested a threesome too, I was trying to find something he was comfortable with
eatmyflakes: What kind of man would decline a threesome with two girls? Maybe he's scared you'll fall in love wuth the other girl. Which is kind of understandable. He just doesn't want to lose you. Let him cool off.
[deleted]: That actually does happen pretty frequently, actually.
NeoMegamanX: Happened to Ross...
[deleted]: I meant in real life.
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1405099910 | 1405104208 | t3_2afxiq | t5_2to41 | 26 | achenbachs630420: TIFU by grabbing a feral cat in mid air
So yeah, I fucked up.
This begins when I accidentally left the walk-in door to my detached garage open over night. The next morning my wife went to grab something and noticed a black cat had decided to make itself at home up in the rafters (there are various-sized shelves that the cat used to scale and reach the ceiling). This cat looked mean and I wanted nothing to do with it, he had to go.
Later that day my wife and I went out with the hope of removing this heathen from my garage. We found the cat was located on the floor in a pile of tarps. The plan was to grab it by its scruff and let it go outside. Upon making a motion towards it, the cat immediately got the memo that he was no longer welcome and bolted towards the other side of the garage. He ended up trying to scale the garage door (which in all honesty he was making good progress but only made it half way, repeatedly). Notice how I mentioned he was scaling the garage door? That's because in a fit of stupidity I did not open said door.
At this point I would be perfectly content with letting the cat calm down before making the next move, however my wife is worried it may hurt itself freestyling up my garage door. I make my way over to the cat and, in what would be my second indicator I am not as smart as I thought, caught the cat in mid air. The way I grabbed him is probably how you're imagining it; two hands around its middle, not by the scruff of the neck I had originally planned on.
It. Was. Pissed. Within half a second of coming into contact with him, he spun around and sunk his teeth and his claws into my right arm, about a third of the distance from my hand. We both drop to the ground and he repeats his assault. I'm hearing crunching sounds as his teeth rip through my arm. I'm still holding on to this furry demon. After what felt like an eternity I realize this onslaught isn't going to stop until I let go. I let him go and he bolted back up to the rafters on the other side.
The pain finally hit a moment later. I grab my arm and shuffle out of the garage and into the house. "I want that fucker out of my garage!" I scream. Blood is pouring out of my arm as I make my way through the front door. I enter the bathroom and begin cleaning my arm, and immediately become light headed from the sight of blood. I hate blood. After 45 minutes of disinfecting and cleaning my arm I bandage it up and call my doctor. She gets me in immediately and we work through it. It was the worst cat bite she had ever seen. Ten punctures and numerous scratches. One prescription of antibiotics later and i'm good to go. By law she was required to report the attack to the county health department. Since this was not an unprovoked attack, I had the option to quarantine the cat instead of having it put down and tested. Unfortunately it ended up costing us $120. I found out through the health officer that if the cat ended up having rabies, the retroviral would cost about $2000. Fuck that.
Luckily he ended up being clean and was released back to us. Unluckily for me my wife loves all animals and has decided she will try to tame the cat and adopt it out to recoup some of the cost. I'm fine with kicking the damn thing out, he's caused me enough money and grief as it is.
This all could have been avoided if I had opened the garage door.
TL;DR: Furious feral feline fucks up my forearm.
Boxwithalid: If this is a true *feral* cat, that has always been wild, it is very unlikely that your wife can tame it. Feral cats can only be tamed if adopted as kittens.
If it is a *stray* cat, one that had a previous human owner, it might be tameable.
http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/feral_cats/qa/feral_cat_FAQs.html?credit=web_id83565963#What_is_the_difference_between_a_stray_c
achenbachs630420: I would be extremely shocked if that cat had been owned before. I'm very much adamant about not keeping it.
TheOutbreak: abuse messes animals up more than you think :c
achenbachs630420: I suppose that could have been a possibility, which in that case I would like to restore its faith in humanity with food and love, I just don't think it will ever like us.
TheOutbreak: lol I hope so
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1405100938 | 1405103494 | t3_2afzci | t5_2to41 | 7 | Ofreo: TIFU by asking someone to move.
Read another post and was reminded of this from a few months ago.
I was at Disney world in the parking lot. It is big, so they have trams that come by and pick people up to take them to the front gates or back to their cars at the end of the day. The trams run in a special lane for them with no cars. They have a ridiculously long safety message before the trams can leave and everyone needs to be out of the tram lane before it can begin to move.
After a long day at the park, we finally get on a tram and listen to the long safety message and get moving. At the first stop in the parking lot, two old lady's could not decide what they were doing in the parking lot, they were not on the tram and were just standing there talking in the tram lane. The guy on the tram is saying into his microphone "please step behind the line so the tram can move" but because it was over the speakers in the tram, the ladies didn't understand it was directed at them or were just ignoring him. They looked confused, like neither had any idea where to go.
After about 5 attempts to get them to hear, my wife and I asked them to move behind the safety line so we could go, we were tired and wanted to get to our car. They just looked at us with mouths agape like we were being rude. They finally started walking to go behind the safety line, which is directly into a driving lane.......
They of course didn't look for cars, and a car going way too fast is zooming down the parking lot. Both women jump once they see the car, the car swerves to miss them. All I can think is I am going to see someone die. The one lady screamed like crazy as she was quite scared. Luckily the car misses and just keeps going, the ladies are just standing there scared but unharmed and more confused.
The tram guy just said "all clear" to the driver who took off.
I would have felt bad if one or both of women had gotten hit by a car after I asked them to move. I should have just stayed out of it and let the employee take care of those things from now on.
Edit, spelling
raptor12347: Not your fault.
Ofreo: Not really but...To be honest, my wife and I were kind of rude about it to them. I just wanted to get to my car and was pretty snarky, flicking my hands trying to shoo them out of the way and talking down to them saying "just move behind the line so people who know where they are going can get there".
I feel bad abut that, and the rudeness might have be why I would have felt it was my fault if they got hit.
TLDanny: Hard to be nice to people who are being rude to a tram full of people. Population control
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405100494 | 1405101999 | t3_2afyjd | t5_2to41 | 7 | DuckingPhone: TIFU by having a one man quickie.
Backstory: I'm a lifeguard
Front story: I got an hour off work today because it was raining really hard so I drove home and started playing my play station. After I while I decided to quickly rub one out before I had to go back to work. It had been a while, so the one man show had a short set-list, but as soon as the encore was done, I got a text to head off to work. This meant I couldn't deal with any leakage. I prayed for no more cum to come but halfway through driving back to work I had a moregasm. So I arrived at the pool, jumped in to try to wash it off, and now I feel like I'm covered in my DNA.
TL;DR - One for the bathroom, one for the road, one when I jumped in the pool and spread my load.
Atruen: Not a fuck up if no one noticed ;)
DuckingPhone: U got some weird kinks if you thinking cumming in public without anyone else's aid is not a fuck up but ok.
Atruen: The public didn't induce ur orgasm. I meant it like getting snot on your shirt after you blow your nose, and just wiping it under the table before anyone notices
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405094909 | 1405105584 | t3_2afode | t5_2to41 | 143 | iamthejed: TIFU a good teacher-student relationship
I've seen a lot of "this didn't happen today" posts on here so I've decided to post my greatest FU!
The year was 2005 and I was 14 years old auto-piloting my way through Grade 8. I had a teacher (Mrs J) that had taught both my older brother and sister ~~(to whom she did not like either of)~~ (neither of whom she liked). I worked extra hard at ~~brown nosing~~ … getting on her ^good side. This teacher was a bit on the hefty side, not the biggest ball in the basket, but she could definitely win a sea-saw [Teeter-totter?]( http://www.google.ca/search?q=teeter+totter&hl=en-CA&gbv=2&ie=UTF-8&prmd=ivnsp&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=5QTAU4rFD8WtyATM94DABg&ved=0CAUQ_AU) competition.
Essentially this meant I would stay after class, help her with runs to the nurses office or the library, work on maintaining grades and sometimes I would avoid recess to help her clean/tidy the class room. (I was bullied, so recess didn’t appeal to me much anyway).
Fast-forward to the last day of grade 8 and she is giving out classroom awards. ~~Favourite~~ Top Student Award goes to me!, what a surprise, did I finally break the Mrs J curse where she hates everyone in my family? I think I did! But wait. We still have to clean up and head home for the summer, and then she says it. “No one leaves until the fat lady sings” in a blunt vocalization of excitement I yell out “Mrs J, you’re really going to sing!?”
There it is, she now hates my brother, my sister, and now … me.
TL;DR: Called my teacher fat. She now hates my entire family.
Edit. Thanks /u/shiftcommathree
NeoMegamanX: Good thing it was the last day, she probably thinks the worst of you, she hated your brother and your sister and then you came and she thinks you're gonna be the same bad seed, but no... you're different, you behave, you're nice to her, and then the fateful day comes....
It was all an evil plan, you really are different, your brother and sister were mean but they were simple minded everything they did was already expected from them, you on the other hand had a plan all along, to fool this lady into awarding into thinking you're different, and then stab her in the back with a simple comment that goes straight to her spirit, you're the one she will never forget...
iamthejed: I'm aware of this. It's one of those thoughts that makes me cringe everytime my scumbag brain decides to think about it again
I genuinely liked her. She was a great teacher.
If anything this has taught me to stfu now and then and has saved me from possible future embarrassing situations
NeoMegamanX: Did you ever apologized to her? Like in private or something? I think that would've helped her just bring her maybe a gift and explain that you're not an ass.
| 4 | 35.75 | |
1405098636 | 1405212189 | t3_2afv41 | t5_2to41 | 29 | Jonny_D85: TIFU by admiring a Porsche
A few years back, my bud and I are taking a break from work. We were still in high school, so at the time we worked for a local grocery store.
We went to grab a sandwich and were making our way back to work when we saw this brand new, gleaming yellow Porsche 911 Turbo parked curbside in the plaza. Its owner had parked and ran into a shop quickly, so we took a few seconds to oogle it, being the petrol-heads we were.
Out of no-where this disgruntled looking lady approaches the car from the parking lot and exclaims, in an annoyed tone, *"This shouldn't be parked here!"*, to which I reply, *"He's driving a Porsche, he can park where ever he wants!"*, still nursing a semi from this gorgeous piece of engineering.
She scoffed and continued walking. That's when we saw it... She was pushing her disabled son in a wheel chair and the Porsche had parked right in front of the curb ramp.
God Damn it, I felt like an idiot.
schultzM: 997.1/2?
Jonny_D85: 996 actually. This was in 2001 or 2002.
schultzM: Ah. IThe last 996 I saw was beautiful... It was yellow with black rims..with the chrome lip I believe. Had the side inlets so must be a turbo or likewise. Yellow hits all the right spots on that car.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1405103179 | 1405128043 | t3_2ag3gp | t5_2to41 | 16 | throwaway1270123: TIFU by having sex with my crush.
I recently got out of a long term relationship and have been casually talking to guys on tinder to help regain some confidence. I met a really nice guy and after a few dates decided to invite him over for dinner at my place. After dinner and a few drinks things moved into my room. All was well and he went to sleep.
A little while later my roommate would be getting home so I left my room to start cleaning dinner up. As my roommate got home my best friend texted me saying she was at my house. I love her more than anyone so it's not unusual for her to just show up at my house. She knows I have liked this guy from school for a while and started snapchatting him that we were drunk and I liked him. Next thing I know she has invited him over and he is at my house. Since my best friend and him had a history I assumed he was here to talk to her. The night eventually turned into my crush and I chilling outside and having a nice time drinking and smoking hookah. My best friend knowing I liked this guy went to sleep and left us alone.
I didn't know what to do. I was having a really nice time with him and I really wanted to kiss him but I had a hot naked man asleep in my room. I was trying to resist the urge to do anything but eventually he went for it and I couldn't resist kissing him back. That's when my date got up. I quickly stopped kissing my crush and played nice and walked him out completely embarrassed by the whole situation.
When I got back inside I was sure my crush was going to be pissed and leave but we just started kissing again. Again, things moved into my room..
I really enjoyed having sex with both of them and that makes me feel so guilty. I don't think my crush is that into me, but tinder guy will be moving in August. So I honestly don't think i'll be pursuing anything with either of them. I just feel like a terrible human being for sleeping with two guys in one night.
Daymanahaaah: If no one else is going to do it I will... Pretty whorish move.
Damean1: Why?
Daymanahaaah: Can you really not see how that was whorish? I'm not calling her a whore (unless she makes a habit of that), I'm just saying, fucking two guys in one night, as they intersect each other. Come on. It's like the Tinder guy tagged in her crush. Good for her if that's what she's about but I calls em hows I see em.
Damean1: There was absolutly nothing wrong with what she did. Everyone was of legal age. No one was coerced. It may not be something you would do, but that is no call to start slinging names and insults her way. I can tell you as a guy, if I had a stab at two different partners in one day, you better believe I'm taking it. Does that make me a whore? There is nothing wrong with sex. People try to make it out like it's taboo, but damn, it's just skin rubbing on skin. It's a natural stress reducer and is good exercise. The only hangups here are the ones in your head. Other than you personally not liking it, why is what she did wrong?
Edit for spelling
Daymanahaaah: Get off your soap box. No one is saying sex is taboo, and I certainly didn't call her a whore. Fucking two guys within minutes of each other, hell fucking two girls within minutes of each other, is a whorish move. If the roles were reversed, sure I would probably do it, and if I posted it in TIFU on reddit, and someone called me out for being whorish, I would understand. Are you the crush? You seem to be getting upset by my comment.
Damean1: No, you just called her whorish. You're right, no where near the same thing. Not soap boxing here, just saying that you are trying to thrust your morals on the op. You don't like what she did, and are hurling out insults because of it. As long as she was safe with both partners, what right do you have to judge? Tinder guy doesn't have a dog in this fight, he's tinder guy. Her crush watched him leave. I'm pretty sure he knew what was up, and he was still good to go. The only problems here are the one you're making by insulting the op. And no, I'm not the crush.
Daymanahaaah: I'm not hurling insults. I stated one opinion. This is Reddit man. She posted in TIFU. Case closed.
| 8 | 2 | |
1405103288 | 1405446335 | t3_2ag3nj | t5_2to41 | 39 | singleladad: TIFU Masturbating with a vacuum cleaner NSFW
**Disclaimer - do not EVER stick your penis into a vacuum cleaner; you're liable to get it ripped off, or at the very least get some disease from all the bacteria and sh*t in the tube**
When I was around 13-14, my hormones were going crazy. I was literally jacking off every opportunity I had. I was also looking to stick my dick into anything and everything that seemed like it might feel good. I cut holes into nerf footballs, into oranges (citrus burns - I don't recommend) - I even used a piano tuner on my dick because the vibrations felt good. Anyways, you get the idea.
One day while I was home alone sick from school, I started thinking about how I could get a simulated blowjob. Of course! The vacuum cleaner! Our vacuum cleaner was the canister type (long flexible hose attached to a separate unit with a motor). If you removed the end attachment, there was a perfectly sized hole. Turning the vacuum on, I then tentatively slid my penis into the tube. The damn thing sucked alright - HARD. It still felt good, however, and after a couple minutes I came (bonus - no mess; the vac swallows).
Flash forward to the next morning. I woke up to go take a piss, and low and behold my dick looked it had been stung by a hundred bees. It was raw, a deep purple and red, and extremely puffy and swollen (not in a good way). If you've ever had a severe allergic reaction you'll know what I'm talking about. I could barely piss because the skin was so puffed out, the turtle head was barely making it past the skin. "Holy shit," I thought. "I broke my dick!!" I was freaking out and scared shitless. I managed to keep my mouth shut for an hour or two, but finally I broke down. I decided I had to show my mom in case I needed to go to the hospital. I told her I was worried about my penis and I needed to show her. She checked it out and asked me if I'd been spanking it too much. I lied, acted offended that she would even ask me such a question, and said "NO!!" She told me not to worry about it and that it would get better in a couple days (took a few more than that, but it did get better).
Needless to say, I never ever masturbated again, especially not with a vacuum cleaner. PSYCH! Are you kidding me?! That shit felt amazing - you think I was going to let a little swelling stop me?! Incredibly, I did try it a couple more times, but soon moved on to other (less dangerous) things.
jpan1o1: This comes to mind...
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/x1HKUhs)
singleladad: So does this. http://youtu.be/XdqzQkMaHTI
jpan1o1: hahaa... the last few secs were the best IMO
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1405102818 | 1405186539 | t3_2ag2tp | t5_2to41 | 81 | WoxicFangel: TIFU By losing 500 Bitcoins
Back when Bitcoins were barely know about and no one ever believed they would ever be worth anything, I generated 500 Bitcoins in 3 months with MY CPU. Back then they were worth about $0.0000005. So I kept them in my wallet waiting to see if anything would come of it. Fast forward about a year or two and I had forgotten about them. Im about to do a fresh install when I find them and figure, "Hey, I wonder if theres anything I could do with these now". Sadly they were still only worth about a dollar total so I start searching the deep web. I find an online wallet that I think will keep my Bitcoins safe. I transfer all of my Bitcoins and write down the website. Now fast forward to last year. I realize that my Bitcoins are worth a ton of money right now and I should probably do something about it. I rush to the website only to find that it no longer exists. All of my Bitcoins had been taken and I no longer have access to any of them.....
TL;DR put 500 Bitcoin in an online wallet and the host website went down without reimbursing.
raptor12347: (Current Value: 500 bitcoins = $313,698 USD) I feel really bad for you, that really sucks. If you still had them what would you do with the money?
WoxicFangel: Save'em and get myself an apartment since i'm well below the poverty line right now :v
i_pk_pjers_i: Wow... That's REALLY unlucky. Not everybody can say they made and lost $300,000. I'm sorry.
WoxicFangel: When Bitcoins were at their peak, it was $562,380...
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1405103623 | 1405104607 | t3_2ag49q | t5_2to41 | 108 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting in an elevator at work
I was a little late to work this morning, and was quickly walking towards the open elevator door. There was some old lady that i didn't know already inside. I asked her to hold the door open, but instead, she purposely pressed the close door button. So I made a dash to the elevator and shoved my hand in the door just before it closed. I walked in, and she gave me this evil stare and said "How rude, you should have taken the next one".
I was a little surprised that she said that, and it made me a little pissed off. I noticed she was going to the same floor I was, so I pressed every single button on the elevator just before the 5th floor. Every single time the elevator stopped on a floor, I farting out loud as soon as the door shut. She made these disgusted grunting noises each time, but didn't say anything at all. When it finally made it's way up to the 5th floor, she just walked out quickly and muttered the words "disgusting". I felt pretty good about myself at that moment.
15 minutes later, and my boss is walking around the office introducing his wife to everyone. It was the same old lady in the elevator. She came to visit him to drop off his lunch, which now probably reeks of my farts.
Relevant_Magic-Card: http://i.imgur.com/vSvuxbD.jpg
[deleted]: OMG! YES.
| 3 | 36 | |
1405104065 | 1405111205 | t3_2ag521 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Forr145: TIFU by screaming corner
So, I read the lifeguard story, and it reminded me of something similar I did at the grocery store about a year ago.
Let me start by saying, I work in a restaurant. When we enter and leave the kitchen, we yell corner in order to make others aware that we're coming so they don't walk into us with their trays, or just at all.
So, after a somewhat disastrous lunch shift one day, I went to the local grocery store so I could get some food. As I walked down an aisle, I came to the end and I instinctively yelled "corner!" And scared some poor old lady so bad that she dropped the jar of marinara sauce she was holding and her basket. With marinara sauce all over this lady I was in shock, and apologized a million times. I got somebody that worked there and helped then clean it up, then I helped her pay for her groceries.
jagstax: Haha ive had that urge. Same with "Behind!" and "HEARD". Sounds so rude in any other context.
Forr145: I know it's awful. It was hard for me to break the habit of saying excuse me
jagstax: Doesnt sound like a bad habit
Forr145: It's not in the real world, but in a restaurant the rules change.
jagstax: Oh i thought you were trying to break it post-restaurant hah
Forr145: Nahhh. I'm still serving my way through college.
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1405105127 | 1405110110 | t3_2ag6zt | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk and ruining a 100 year old wooden floor.
I'm a grown man and I wanna cry right now, and I'm not even the crying kind. This happened last night. My parents live in a beautiful house they built and designed themselves. I was home visiting from work for the next few nights and decided to go out and have a few drinks at the bar and smoke a little weed. Well on the way home, I stopped and grabbed some more beer and continued to drink at home. I got home had a few more drinks and smoked a few bowls and decided a bath would be amazing. I go to run the bath and come back to smoke a bowl while I wait for it to fill. This was at 11:30 PM. Next thing I know I wake up, totally having forgot about the bath at about 1:45 AM. Mind you this is a two story house and I was on the second floor. I go downstairs to grab some water and to my horror it sounds like it's raining cats and dogs inside my house. Thats when the realization hit me. I ran to the tub turned off the water and ran to wake my parents up. Our entire dining room, kitchen, and living room was flooded. The ceilings were falling apart and now the 100+ year old floor that my parents salvaged from a 100+ year old mansion that was about to be demolished in 1998, my mom's pride and joy, her favorite talking piece to guest, is totally and completely ruined. I feel like the worst person on the planet right now.
Edit: Mobile user. Please excuse format/grammer/spelling
coknballs: What are your parents going to do about the damage? That sounds really expensive.
[deleted]: Well they have insurance, but it's a 7500.00 deductible. I mean they are middle middle class so this won't bankrupt them, but they just entered retirement so its not a easy blow. I'm gonna do everything in my power to help, but I certainly can't make much of a dent and they know it. They are handling it about as well as anyone could ask. That floor was priceless though.
havegunwilldownvote: If this is a real wood floor and that old, the insurance company will want to salvage it. I run a water damage business where we dry and salvage floors like this everyday. It's only ruined if you/they want it to be. Otherwise, it can be dried, sanded, and refinished. If you have any questions about drying the home, PM me and I'll give you some free advice.
[deleted]: Oh wow thank you PM incoming.
| 5 | 10.4 | |
1405105992 | 1405121279 | t3_2ag8ii | t5_2to41 | 3 | trampabroad: TIFU and cockblocked my friend?
jeremyserious: this sounds like "today I did the right thing"
trampabroad: The reverse, actually.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405099047 | 1405123417 | t3_2afvvb | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by pointing out a lady's scent.
I work for a sign shop. There is a smell in here and it kind of smells like chemicals or something, but it's just ink. I don't smell it anymore at all really, and I forget that people can smell it.
This old lady customer came in and was kind of bitchy. She said in a mean spirited way, "How do you stand that smell all day?"
I didn't even think, I just said the first thing that came to my mind and said, "The only thing I can smell is your perfume." Which was actually quite pungent.
She said, "Oh, I didn't think I was wearing that much." and kind of backed down with her tail between her legs. I immediately realized I went too far and insulted a customer. I didn't say anything else. I just froze up. She paid for her stuff and left. She was not at all happy.
boltdodger85: Thought this was going in a whole different direction. Like waaaay south. I see what your saying though. Hope she doesn't narc you out to your boss and get you in trouble. Until then, you had just inadvertently hurt somebody's feelings & not really fucked up today.
TacoSauce: I was prepaired to be treated to another episode of "vaginas don't smell" by a woman in denial.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405106999 | 1405139399 | t3_2aga9s | t5_2to41 | 2 | badassgermexican: Tifu no more smoking weed with girls
supriseimdrunk: omfg punctuation and grammar... learn it...
badassgermexican: Fuck you man! There is that better.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405109274 | 1405110250 | t3_2age41 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Unorofessional: TIL & TIFU: brought girlfriend a present from Africa...today something hatched out of it.
Soooooo then, in October 2013 I nought it would be nice to bring my girlfriend a gift back from my travel and work in Uganda. Yeah pretty thoughtful right?
Well today I was told to have a look...strangely there was some yellowish powder at its base...then I notice the holes and my freakin heart stops. We quickly start talking about termites and the massive expensive ball ache...and the fact it's in her parents house. Shit. So how well do you think it's going to go when I say 'hey remember that ugly goat skin covered harp I brought back from Uganda....yeah that wasn't all I brought back with me!' Yeah not a good one. Also her parents are about to go on holiday tomorrow so I need to do my research, look for additional holes and start killing these little buggers.
Btw I searched for the species after taking a picture the of living beetle I found hiding under the goat skin. It's a bastard powder post beetle which could potentially stay as a larvae for years in the house before it pupates and carry on munching anything wood base. One of said wood base items is a piano in the room.
So I'm pretty, and potentially expensively, boned.
TDLR: brought back wood eating beetles in a gift from Uganda which has been in the room for months. Dammit.
TIL about powder post beetles TIFU they were inside a gift for my girlfriend.
http://www.livingwithbugs.com/PDFiles/powder.pdf
ked_man: Powder post beetles are common to the US.
Just throw the girt away and FU is gone.
Unorofessional: Cheers ked_man, it's well and truly taken apart outside (due to curiosity) and then bagged and threw it in the bin. Just worried that it's been sat there and the little critters are else where in the house
ked_man: I can't remember too much about powder post beetles from my pest control days.
I'm not sure how bad they would spread around the house. I believe they like hardwoods better. The one PPB job I did was in a house and they had come in with the new hard wood floors. The lady kept sweeping and sweeping and couldn't get all the sawdust (she thought from construction) then she noticed all the holes.
I can't even remember what pesticide we used or how we treated it.
Unorofessional: Had a bit of look and there's a few in things about chemicals or stuff about kiln dried wood (thought that would be before it comes into a house or use?).
Have had a gander around for holes but nothing has popped up as yet. Fingers crossed it stays this way!
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1405100987 | 1405194850 | t3_2afzgl | t5_2to41 | 344 | ihavehugetesticles: TIFU by shaking a mans nub
This happened a few years ago, but something just happened and triggered my memory.
So I was shopping for cars and went to test drive one. I walked into the dealership and I am greeted by a fat Rick Moranis with only one hand, the other was gone at the wrist. I didn't think anything of it at first. So we get in the car and he is driving to pull it out of the lot. With his left hand he is steering, with his right nub he is showing me all the features and even pushing buttons and turning dials with it. I was kind of impressed but also a little squeamish.
The test drive is done and I decided to continue looking for something else. I asked for his card in case I come back and so I can give him my business. He hands it to me with his left hand (obviously), but then kind of swung his right nub in my direction. So within a millisecond I had to make a decision. Was it just an inadvertent motion? Did he put it out for me to shake, it is his right nub after all? Do I give him a dap? Do I ignore it? Act like I didn't see it? If he plays paper, rock, scissor he must always choose rock? What if he just yells out what he wants and wins every time?
Anyway, his motion of swinging his nub in my direction, causes me, in that second or so to react, so I grab his nub and firmly shake it and say thank you. The only way to describe how it felt would be to grip the meaty end of a chicken leg, it was squishy with a bone in the middle. We both are looking at each other into the windows of our souls, both thinking this wasn't supposed to happen. The stars had aligned, both of our life paths brought us here, together, at this very moment, it was our destiny. Eye to eye, mano y nubo, 3 firm shakes. Realizing that wasn't what was intended, I say "Im sorry." Which probably made it worse. He sad "no problem, I forget sometimes too." I make a U-turn and walk out the door and immediately start laughing so hard I farted.
Am I a dick for laughing? Maybe. It wasn't at his nub, it was at my dumb ass for shaking it. Am I an asshole for questioning his paper, rock, scissor tactics? Perhaps. But I shook his nub and I shook it like a man.
TIFU by shaking another mans nub.
TresDigitus: Okay, as someone whose right hand is physically impossible to shake correctly, I can honestly say this:
He thought that was hilarious.
I mess with people ENDLESSLY when they try to shake my hand, because EVERYONE uses their right hand. I extend mine, and they reach out, and either realize their mistake and try to figure out what to do, or they grab my right hand and their eyes betray the terror behind them as they try to salvage the situation.
In the meantime, I am both laughing on the inside, and on the outside, as I shake my stub up and down in their hand.
Tl;dr: If he has any sense of humor at all and isn't a cocknugget, he thought it was hilarious, and most likely did it on purpose.
[deleted]: You must elaborate on the condition of your hand.
TresDigitus: [Mr. Lefty](http://i.imgur.com/m0zS6AP.jpg) and [Mr. Useless](http://i.imgur.com/4EsNzkt.jpg)!
Note that Mr. Useless has a 90 degree bend at the wrist, which means when I extend my right hand, the fingers point directly upwards.
Zaph0d_B33bl3br0x: Razer Black Widow, nice choice! How well do you type? I've seen some people that type remarkably fast by just pecking with 2 fingers. Have you adapted to use Mr. Useless for typing, or is he aptly named in that regard as well?
TresDigitus: I type about 100 WPM. I do "priority-based typing", where I use whatever finger is closest to the key I need. Homerow is fuckin' useless to me. :D
And yes, I do use Mr. Useless for typing.
Zaph0d_B33bl3br0x: Damn, good on ya man! I have all 10 of my phalanges, and only average 94 WPM. Kudos.
bacon_cake: I can barely manage 60wpm with toes included.
| 8 | 43 | |
1405110546 | 1405112231 | t3_2agg7t | t5_2to41 | 6 | nakedvegan: TIFU by losing my top in front of half the football team
This happened many years ago, but I thought you might get some enjoyment out of my humiliation, and maybe learn a thing or two!
When I was in high school, I asked my mammaw to make me some strappy summer dresses and tanks. It was all the style to wear ones that had no back and essentially just a scrap for a front, but my parents wouldn't let me purchase tops like that, or dresses with the little straps.
My mammaw, being super sweet, made me exactly what I wanted. I had this one dress which was a deep purple floral pattern with these tiny little ribbon straps, and thinking she was making the design easier to remove and put on, she put those little teeny tiny snaps you find on doll clothes on the front to hold it together.
One day, in the afternoon, I was walking out of a building that housed a gym, and half the football team was walking in to work out. I had just finished tanning and was leaving when the snap on my dress popped totally off, dropping the entire top to my waist.
Every single guy stood there, and had stopped walking because I didn't have a bra on underneath. Needless to say, I have always double checked my clothes since, and will never wear a dress with little snaps again!
Dinosoarman: It's just chest fat. No different than when a guy has no shirt on.
_Answers: Who said it is? Are you serious? Where did he get it?
| 3 | 2 | |
1405111996 | 1405202536 | t3_2agiob | t5_2to41 | 74 | [deleted]: TIFU reddit, I really fucked up bad.. [NSFW]
It all started a couple hours ago when I was on my way home from work. Let the record state that I'm 24, my gf is 23 and we moved in together a couple weeks ago. Also note, that my gf's mother was a little against us moving in together at such a "young" age.
Heres the thing, I'm not really used to waking up at 7:00AM every morning (my summer intership requires it). I get home around 6:30PM and I'm completely drained out. On my way home from work I was exhausted, I mean I was falling asleep on the bus, dragging my gym bag and my whole body was completely sore from that mornings brutal workout. I had gotten pretty faded (drunk+high) the night before and only had about 4hours of sleep. This should give you a pretty good idea of my cognitive state.
I have a relatively high sex drive and so does my girlfriend. We enjoy surprise sex'ing each other which essentially means we randomly just start fucking. Doesn't matter where or when or what the other person is doing.
Truth be told all I really wanted to do was get home, smoke a blunt, fuck my girlfriend, eat and pass out. Sounds like a pretty fucking fun, I know.
On my way home I stopped my the corner store, bought some blunt wraps, stopped by my dealer and bought a coupe grams. I started talking with my dealer, we had a few beers and I decided to roll the blunt there and smoke while I walk home from his place.
My intentions were to get high enough so it would last 2-3hours and I would still be high by the time I went to sleep. (I have partial insomnia). I rolled about a 1.2 in the hope that it would work. I didn't realize that I was extremely tired and so it hit me that much harder.
I'm walking home and I notice my girlfriends mom's car is parked right outside our place. I put it off by telling my self that it's probably not hers and that it just a coincidence.
I walk into my apartment and notice that the shower is on. Me being horny as fuck decide to grab a rubber from my bag, jump into the shower and fuck my girl. The thing is, my room and bathroom is coder to the front door then the kitchen. You can't see into the kitchen from the front hall.
I take my clothes off in my room, walk into the shower. There was a shitload of steam in the bathroom so I wasn't able to see who was in the shower. In hind site I wish I did.. There was also music playing in the bathroom so my girlfriend couldn't hear when I greeted her. Also remember that I'm really stoned and tired so i wasn't really paying attention to anything. I jump into the shower from behind, stick my dick in her vagina very quickly and well before I knew it…. My girl friend turns around and well its not her… It's her TWIN FUCKING SISTER!!! She starts screaming, I'm just like what the fuck did I just fucking do!!! I just fucking throw my hands in the air. Im still high out of my mind, and i start tripping out.. She grabs a towel and runs out. The first thing I do, lock myself in the bathroom and wait..
I turn the shower and music off and all I can hear is my girlfriends sister crying and everyone is getting hysterical. This is when it gets worse…. I hear my girlfriends super religious mother's voice.. You have to understand that I never had a great relationship with her to begin with. She really resents the fact that I don't believe in religion.
I hear her mom crying and screaming shit like "he raped you!!! i'm calling the police!!!", "I'm going to kill him!!", everyone is freaking the fuck out my girlfriends starts banging on the door crying.
I'm trying to ignore the chaos, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. I was so high, i couldn't really focus or make any rational thoughts.. My mind was going insane, I was thinking rape, jail shit like that.. My life would be over..
I was truly scared that her mother would come at me with a knife or something… Reddit, I'm telling you, she's fucking crazy! I finally let my girlfriend into the bathroom once her sister and mother had left (that was my condition that I open the door). We moved to the bed so it would be a little more comfortable. She's crying, I keep apologizing to her, trying to explain what had happened..
Reddit, I really fucked up… She won't stop crying and I'm fucking ripped right now. Not to mention that I have work to next day and need some sleep. I'm in the bathroom right now freaking out.. I don't know what to do...
kappyko: "I'm 24"
oh, [I thought you were only 20] (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/25piey/what_is_something_you_didnt_want_to_enjoy_but_now/chjnprt?context=3) unless you have some sort of-- whoops, [here] (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/272i9d/women_of_reddit_what_would_you_like_all_men_to/cioiu8a?context=3) you're 20 again! seeing that you're also misogynistic as well I would be surprised if you've even had a girlfriend
edit: YO DON'T GET PISSY AT /u/blalubb HE'S NOT OP
IT'S /u/freedomsaints
Blalubb: I actually do that on purpose to confuse people who'd want to doxx me.
Vanitati: the only people scared of doxxing are people who know they are wrong
Blalubb: You confuse being scared with due caution. Also your maxime is basicly the same the nazis used. Goebbels: "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear."
Vanitati: The difference is though, somebody having a general idea of who you actually are, and you getting killed, in this scenario, its the difference between a normal worker and some antisocial guy in the corner who changes his appearance every month, cause that's pretty fucking suspicious
| 6 | 12.333333 | |
1405112270 | 1405115012 | t3_2agj60 | t5_2to41 | 7 | AmyinIndiana: TIFU by being an accidental racist.
TIFU because I needed some black exterior paint for the trim on my shed. I was looking at the paint samples, and I heard someone say, "Can I help you?" as he approached me. I had two samples in my hand and I was comparing them, one was a true black and the other was a little more gray than black. "Yes," I said, without looking up, "Is this the blackest black you have?"
I looked up and saw that the salesman was not only African-American, he was also the only African-American employee in the store.
I swear I'm not a racist, or a paintist. I just really didn't want the shed to look gray!
robot-2: How did you react afterwards? If you followed up with "OH I didn't mean black-people-black, I meant like.. the darkest.. dark.. black", that could have made it really awkward for him.
Asking a legitimate question about your black paint doesn't make you an accidental racist in my (black) opinion.
AmyinIndiana: I pretended like nothing happened. I totally kept a poker face. I think it was ok.
It would've been hilarious if he'd looked at all his (white) co-workers and said, "Yes, I am the blackest black we have."
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405113019 | 1405167988 | t3_2agkew | t5_2to41 | 122 | foot-In-Mouth02: TIFU by telling a pretty nice girl I hated someone.
So.. I went to a university a few years ago. As a new semester started, I sat next to a very pretty girl in a class of 90 students and started to make casual talk. We had nothing in common but our major so i talked about certain professors I took the previous year to see if she had taken them. Conversation went like this:
Me: "So.. How do you like the major so far?" Pretty Girl: "It's alright.. It's getting hard." Me:"Yeah, did you take this class with Mrs. Lady yet? The class was real boring and I HAAATED HER."
She slowly looks back at me with a 2 second pause, Other students around us who joined the conversation looked at her.
With the most shrieking voice she screams,
"THAT'S MY MOM!!"
Indeed she was.
Everyone busted out laughing, I was as red as a cherry, and the two hour class had barely begun.
The worst part? Mrs. Lady turned out to be the HEAD of my major's Department.
I stupidly apologized every ten minutes, and after class I ran back to my dorm screaming my life is over.
My School's newspaper had a section similar to TIFU every week sent by anonymous students. My friend in my dorm who couldn't stop laughing when I told her, sent my story in.
For the next week, friends around campus began to ask If i heard about the dumbass who did this.
I chuckled and crawled away into a hole every time.
Post explosion: Pretty girl and I ended up becoming great friends, took more classes together, and lived together 2 years later. She brings it up when we have parties and her mom invited me personally for dinner knowing all about it.
Whyyy life whyy.
ask_if_im_a_sandwich: A life pro tip that has come in handy for me is never say the word "hate," as some people find it to be a strong word. Just say something like "I didn't like her too much because of xyz." Much more mild and reasonable. I think my mom taught me this...
VeraciousBuffalo: I hate your mom. Because xyz. Am I doing this right?
4zure: I hate you for not doing this right.
| 4 | 30.5 | |
1405112033 | 1405116717 | t3_2agir2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | superseamen47: TIFU by leaving my car window down.
I am currently getting ready to leave to serve in the military. I had to get a medical release form which is nothing out of the ordinary. As I leave the recruiter's office, with said document in hand, I roll down my windows, as where I live is a blistering hell hole of skin cancer, and place my paperwork to my right. As I pull out of the parking lot I look over my shoulder to double check that I had properly signed my paper. Then it hit me, the sheet with my SS number, birthday and full legal name had been fluttering in the wind behind me. I made a U-turn as fast as I could. Alas, my efforts proved hapless after a good ten minutes of searching.
PM_ME_YOUR_SEXYSTORY: That's not good. I remember when I went through MEPS. I was just a scared we lad then. You can get a new paper though. Just hope that one that flew out the window got destroyed. Good luck.
superseamen47: Thanks, I'll need it.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405113306 | 1405113888 | t3_2agkvb | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by feeling old
So let me just preface this whole post by stating I reached the age of 40 last week. Lord do I feel old. The fact that I was closer to death then I was my childhood didn't quite dawned on me until that day.
I was feeling so fucking depressed. Here I am, this old decrepit man who has done nothing with his life. Just working a 9-5 as a manager at a local fast food shop I run; Struggling to keep up an erection.
Not even money, and item I love a little too much, could cheer me up. I guess money can't buy you hapiness :(
So with all that stated we can finally get to the real story. The names will be changed to protect the identity of the people involved as well as my own.
We have a new hire here at the restaurant. Let's call him Robert. Robert is just out of highschool and the best damn fry-cook I've had the pleasure of working with. Kid brings in so much revenue (which makes me very happy).
Being the 19 year old he is he is still ripe with immaturity. Something I once had and long for. So I figure I could siphon some of this kids youth to alleviate the sadness of growing old. So I ask Robert if I could hang out with him sometime. He was a little confused, but ultimately excited to get to know me better. He agreed and said he would pick me up that night at 8pm.
The hour rolls buy and he and his friend Rick (calling this kid dumb as dirt would be an insult to dirt) show up on bikes. That should have been my sign to cancel the night out right then and there; go inside and watch some more television. The thought of feeling young again had my continue though. I hopped onto the pegs and we were off for a night of debauchery.
I should have listened to my gut. Worst night ever. I wanted to do fun stuff. Stuff I imagine only a fresh high school graduate was capable of. Instead we spend the night doing activities I would imagine an elementary child with a learning disorder would find fun.
I had had it. I was done. OUT! and I let them know it.
That's when those fateful words passed out Rick's lips, telling me we were going to go raid the contents of some of the locals. A covert break in, treasure hunt and a sniffing the trousers of a random women.
The thought of a pantry raid actually sounded quite dangerous, and surprisingly sexy. That thrill would be enough to feel that cancerous void in my chest that was a symptom of old age.
So we hit up the first place we could find. Break in the back. A thought looms in my head, "this place looks oddly fimiliar". I shake of the thought thinking I was just being paranoid.
Like a dog to water we make are way into the bedroom and crack open her underwear drawer.
My adrenaline was pumping. My testostrone was flowing. I felt like the man I was once was.
Rick and Rob hand me the first pair. Saying it was my night so I should have the honors of first sniff. I didn't want to be rude so I giddily dove my face into the panties and took a big waft (which led to an erection).
Next thing I here is a scream. One that still looms in my mind today. The lights shot on and there was my 68 year old mother making a face that broke my heart.
Apparently in the heat of the moment I forgot what my mom's house looked like and ended up there. It had been thirty or so years since I was there last so it wasn't that far fetched.
So anyways, TIFU and smelled my underwear and drove an even bigger wedge into our already spotty relationship.
For the guy saying "pics or it didn't happen", here is a picture of my mothers house. http://imgur.com/B5BJLJQ
csudude75: That is wrong...
DietDrDiabeteez: You're telling me man. This is something I'm going to have on my back til I die.
I guess one of the perks of being older means I don't have to wait so long (;
| 3 | 2 | |
1405114846 | 1405217095 | t3_2agnhw | t5_2to41 | 33 | Milk_Lizard58: TIFU by calling the cops on my friend.
First time post, so be gentle. I'm a sailor in the Navy, stationed in the midwest. A long time friend of mine from college would message me on Facebook from time to time. Usually, these conversations would devolve into her talking about how horrible her life is. I don't mind this at all, we all have to vent, but two days ago the conversation got incredibly dark.
The entire conversation was a long diatribe of why she didn't want to live anymore, and it honestly frightened me. I told her repeatedly that she either needed to get help or I'd do it for her. She refused, so I called the National Suicide Prevention hotline. They referred me to call her local police department, which I did, and they sent police officers to her home. She called me right before they came, yelling at me about how I'm a shitty friend and she could lose her job.
The next day, her father messaged me on facebook, informing me that the police are holding her in custody for psychiatric evaluation and that I should mind my own business and I'm a horrible friend. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I can't help but feel I've caused a lot of harm.
UPDATE: Just saw on Facebook that she took me off her friends list. She hasn't blocked me, but this shows she's no longer in custody. I hope they have her in a program, because otherwise this was all for nothing.
UPDATE2: Thanks again everyone for putting it in perspective. As far as police involvement, I only contacted them on the suggestion of the suicide hotline. I'm on duty this weekend, so I won't be able to talk to my chain of command about this, but on Monday I think I'm going to bring it up and ask for advice. I don't expect anything to happen, but I also didn't expect all of this.
Milk_Lizard58: I'm glad that I got her the help she needs. However, if her life is truly as horrid as she says it is, I feel like I just made it worse. I know it gets worse before it gets better, but if she loses her job, I can't help but feel responsible.
fundayz: Talk to her workplace/boss. Explain that she did nothing of her own right to get detained. Ask them to give her a leave of absence.
Milk_Lizard58: That's a great idea. Unfortunately, she lives on the other side of the country in a large metropolitan area, so I have no idea where to start. Also, since she's taken me of Facebook, I can't see as much personal info like her workplace. I'm also afraid that with how angry her and her family are with me, they'd try to create a harassment case against me.
baldwin_hotspot: Personally...I think you should stay out of it at this point. You really have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. If anything, you did the right thing. My aunt was in a psych hospital for a bit...and they do kinda suck...a lot (depending on where they place you....), but honestly she clearly needed it. And if her dad is too much of a fucking dumb ass (can I curse here?) to see how great of a friend you are for being worried enough to 1)FUCKING RESEARCH THE NUMBER TO THE SUICIDE HOTLINE
2)THEN CALL THE SUICIDE HOTLINE (I've called "help hotlines" before, I know how...yeah...that's...I know)
3)THEN RESEARCH HER LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENTS NUMBER
4) THEN CHECK UP ON HER
then FUCK HIM.
That's absolutely ridiculous. You are an amazing friend. Don't feel bad at all. She was clearly reaching out for help and you couldn't give her all of the help she needed, so she needs to go see a professional. It wasn't fair to you to that she was relying on you to carry her shit. That's what she was doing. You're in the motherfucking Navy. You already have a lot to worry about.
Sorry for the cursing and the anger....
You can be my friend, hell.
Milk_Lizard58: I can't speak for everyone else, but cursing is my second language, so it's all good. I can use a new friend, let's do it lol.
baldwin_hotspot: WOOT!! :)
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1405114295 | 1405117390 | t3_2agmkx | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by fapping when wife/kids were out
So this was a few days ago on my Birthday. I got off work about 4:30 and start my hour commute home. I'm just plain not feeling well and already dealt with some family shit that was just upsetting. I'm tired as fuck and just really want to sleep. So I give the normal call to the wife and no answer, so I'm like, great - I'm just going to go home and chill out for a little bit (I know wife and kids were at the store getting food for my b-day dinner).
So I get home, and decide to chill out on the couch and watch some TV. A few minutes into 24 LAD, The wife calls. She is just leaving the store (about 45 minutes away). I tell her I'm feeling crappy and am just going to lay down and rest. I watch TV for a few more minutes when I decide I want to lay in bed and actually sleep.
So I shuffle upstairs to the bedroom and lay down to rest - and what better way to get to sleep than a short fap session. So I do my thing and zonk right out (not before removing any evidence of material I used). zzzzzzzzz
I wake up about 20 minutes later to texts saying to come help get the groceries out. I get up throw my clothes on and head down. I feel a little bit better, but not all the way...
Well she comes right in and says, "Lets go upstairs to talk." I'm like WTF is this about. We get upstairs into the room, she shuts and locks the door and BAM, She starts getting into it (kids still downstairs)! I'm like, FUCK, I need to get things working....so I start the things I like to get myself more motivated and I'm getting about 1/3 up...still not good, but enough to perform a little. I go to start and it's just not doing much. We keep going, and I just loose it all. All soft - not up AT ALL! Fucking embarrassing. She gets all offenended and I try to explain that I'm not feeling well and dealing with too much shit today.
We get up/dressed and head back down.
TL;DR: Fapped just moments before wife came home to have sex and I couldn't get it up.
bogdaniuz: IMO, you should've just said that you jerked off the moment she came home, because "feeling tired" probably sounded like a lame excuse in her eyes. As in "how come you don't want me"
I don't know how things roll in your family, but I don't see what's wrong with telling wife that you've just masturbated.
mikey_boy1: Yeah, telling her that would have not been a good thing at all...She don't like it at all... FML
bogdaniuz: Wait, she doesn't like that you're masturbating?
I might be sticking my nose in a wrong place, but, honestly, you should be more open on things like that with your wife. It's like the closest person you have, what's the point of hiding something from her.
| 4 | 1 | |
1405116371 | 1405117712 | t3_2agpxh | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By fucking a dad
So this is not from today but it still haunts me as if it happened today!
When i was 17 I met this 25 yo guy. One thing leads to the other and i end up at his house. At this point i text my mum to let her know i was staying at my best friends (blatant lie). So i have an amazing night went at it all night finally fell asleep about 5ish then at about 8-9 i woke up with a feeling someone was staring at me, there is! There is a little boy staring at me! I'm still naked guys! Then this little brat starts calling me mummy ... yeah wtf so i turn over and the guy is there smiling at me and turns out it his kid from a one night stand. I thought he would correct him but no, he then starts going yes this is going to be your new mummy. All i can hear in my head is fuck fuck fuckaty fuck fuck. I start getting dressed and i said to the guy i will be going then he points out it is a bank holiday and there is no public transport. SHIT. He kindly offered to take me home if i have dinner with him and my soon to be son ... hell no i want to be gone NOW so i had to text my mum to pick me up for this guys house she rings me confused "thought you was at ... ohhh erm kay".
After an hour she arrives (slowest hour ever) i grab my stuff and start to leave the house, he start chasing me out the house with his kid asking me to kiss them both goodbye. He sees my mum and says to that little brat "this is your grandma" at this point my mum is looking like she is going to kill me so i jump in the car like in those movies and she drives off faster than a f1 and turns to me and says "bet you're never going to have a one night stand again are you, you slut!" She was right i never have.
Fail_Field: I have a feeling this is all fictional...
goatcoat: If this is real, I'll eat my goat.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405116704 | 1405117457 | t3_2agqgf | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by pretending to be a secret agent
Oh god, reddit. Today I fucked up.
I was doing some crafts with kids I babysit. We used a hot glue gun to make a cardboard naval base for their action figures. It was quite a great house, too. We used a couple hot glue sticks to make it. During clean up, my inner child comes out and I yell, "Hey guys! Watch this!" I pretended to shoot the hot glue gun like some secret agent in an action movie. That's where I fucked up. I thought the glue gun was cooled off when it wasn't. I shot the gun over and over, unknowingly dropping hot glue onto my bare foot. When I felt heat on my foot, my reflexes made me move my foot and I promptly stepped on more hot glue. There are blisters all over my feet and it hurts to walk. The next few weeks are going to be very, very painful.
[deleted]: Don't point the gun at anything you don't intend to glue. Even if you don't think it's loaded.
[deleted]: Normally, I would totally agree. But if my mind decides to make my body do something, the rest just happens before I have time to really think.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405117298 | 1405126646 | t3_2agrek | t5_2to41 | 20 | UncleAngry: TIFU by staring at my cousin while she fed her daughter.
So this happened a very long time ago, but to this day I barely speak to her. Plus anytime my scumbag brain wants to remind me how awkward I am, it brings this up.
We are having a big family Christmas party at my aunt's house, her daughter has an infant. Fast forward to the end of the Christmas party and my wife and I are making the rounds saying goodbye. I say goodbye to my aunt and uncles, and make my way over to my cousin to give her a hug and say goodbye. She is sitting on the couch with her husband and their child. I noticed that my cousin was adjusting in her seat. I assumed she was just having a difficult time trying to get comfortable while holding her child so I waited. Awkwardly standing quietly in front of them about two feet away. Neither one of them made eye contact or said a word to me as my cousin continued adjusting and squirming about while Captain Oblivious here just stood by derpin it up.
I suddenly have a flash of heat across my face and enter panic mode as I realized that the entire time I've been standing and waiting to say goodbye, my cousin has been trying to quietly breastfeed her daughter while I stood there staring without saying a word. I was so embarrassed I turned around and immediately left the house without saying a word to anyone, which in hindsight probably made me look like more of creeptastic family member. My wife was already at the door and ready to go. I told her what happened after silently driving for 20 minutes. She told me I was crazy for thinking into it that much, but I'm pretty sure I won the title of “the creepy cousin” in my family that day.
DavesNotThere: "My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed ...for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing" -Dave Attell
(Don't worry, you're in good company)
UncleAngry: One of the few comics that can make me laugh about something, and then feel bad about it later.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1405122085 | 1405130033 | t3_2agygk | t5_2to41 | 132 | IAMNOTTHEFATHER: TIFU by eating sunflower seeds (nsfw)
Throwaway account. I hope this doesn't violate rule #10...but it really is more of a public service announcement.
So I was really hungry on June 24th. The house had no food, minus a single quarter pound bag of sunflower seeds. I took the bag and started to chow down for the rest of the night. All my life, I have ate sunflower seeds whole. It's just too much work to spit out the shell. After I finished the bag, I headed off to bed.
The next day at work was pretty uneventful until about 3pm, when I started feeling a pressure building in my gut. I *barely* made it home from the office, reached the toilet...and made it my home for the next 4 hours.
Note: I figured out after this event that you really shouldn't eat sunflower seeds whole. It forms a layered brick of tiny razor blade hooks in your colon. Why this never happened before in my life, I don't know.
Anyways...So I let `er rip on the toilet, and thought it was just something terrible I ate. But something was wrong -- I felt something stuck up my ass. This thing wasn't budging, so I figured I'd wait awhile. Upon wiping my ass, I realized it was far worse than that. There was blood everywhere. My asshole was leaking blood. I thought my gut was rotting until I did some googling.
After several more trips to the toilet to leak blood from my asshole, I had to do something. This shit-brick wasn't moving. So I did what any sane person would do, and started reaching up my asshole to fish out tiny fucking razor blade sunflower seed brick from my colon.
Pinch by pinch, my dinner from the previous night resurfaced in my bloody hand. It felt like I was digging fishing hooks out of my ass. After about four hours of digging and stretching, I got most of the blockage cleared, until I shit out a U of remaining sunflower seeds.
After, I hopped in the shower and tried to clean my filth off my body for 30 minutes. Of course all the while I was still leaking blood. The whole next week I couldn't walk right. I could barely sit down. Even today I still shit a bit of blood...and my asshole isn't the same. I guess they put the warning "do not eat seeds whole" on the sunflower bag for a reason.
TL;DR: Dont eat sunflower seeds whole.
oderint-dum-metuant: You should go see a doctor, that cant be good if you are still bleeding
IAMNOTTHEFATHER: The amount of blood that I see now is drastically less. But yea, I should go...I should have gone that night. But I wasnt about to go to the ER and say I'm leaking blood because of sunflower seeds.
oderint-dum-metuant: Yeah because " anal blockage causing hemorrhage " would sound sweet on your autopsy report. Just be careful, people are medical professionals they arent going to laugh in your face.
K3NN3Y: They laugh AFTER you leave the room.
oderint-dum-metuant: They are also humans, not just professionals all day lol. Ive gone for an embarassing visit before, and i asked the doc not to laugh, told him and his face didnt even twitch and said ' ive seen much worse things ' i can only imagine what he has seen that i shouldnt be embarrassed
K3NN3Y: Yeah, they have damn good poker faces too. If they didn't, they would probably lose their jobs, or at least be heavily reprimanded if they laughed at a patient.
| 7 | 18.857143 | |
1405119901 | 1405146558 | t3_2agvbp | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU By making out with a lesbian
Alright so this story needs a bit of a background. I live in France, I got a girlfriend and I'm currently in England for 2 weeks for summer school.
It all began in the first days, when we arrived in "the camp", everybody was trying to get new friends and we all wanted to know eachother. So when the working groups were formed, a lot of people were separated from their new friends. 2 days ago, I noticed this girl that nobody talked to, she seemed a bit weird but I didnt really care, and decided to talk to her. She had a lot of common interests and she was funny so we became friends. But shit got serious yesterday, we were in the bus and she was holding my hand for no reason and I didn't care anyways. She told me that she was actually a lesbian and hated men. I asked her why she was friend with me and she just replied : "I don't know. You're different so consider yourself one lucky motherfucker." And what would happen happened this afternoon, when she told me that she liked me a lot and kissed me.Then she told me that maybe she became bi. So now I'm screwed because I don't want to tell her that I don't like her and I already got a gf, aaaand I have friends that thinks I purposely cheated on my gf but I didn't want to!
So here I am, writing this on my phone and thinking how much I fucked up. Will post updates.
EDIT #1:
Spent a fun day, will talk to her tonight.
ismax1222: She hates man don't give her an other reason y by cheating with her on your gf. She will appreciate your honesty and tell her at the time you have a gf. I wouldnt tell your gf yet. Be careful u haven't fucked up yet. Keep a good image of u in the lesbian girl mainds be honest show her not all guys are asshole. Also think of your gf and how she would feel if u cheated on her and yes a kiss is cheating.
Also good job!!! Turning a lesbian straight. Good lock I am sorry for spelling English isn't my first league.
pm_me_your_tits_ple: Exactly, just tell her you have a GF already and that you cannot do anything sexual with her, however, try to sugar coat it by saying something along the lines of " If I didn't have a GF I would want to stay with you" etc. and keep us updated ;)
SuperDidier: Thanks man I will try that!
| 4 | 1.75 |
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