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1405121655 | 1405180731 | t3_2agxtk | t5_2to41 | 352 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing all dignity in the shower in front of my wife.
"This is what a Friday is supposed to feel like," I think to myself. "It's the end of the week, the sun is shining, work went well, and I've already gotten a 3 mile run in."
"Hey honey, you want to grab a quick shower?" You see, she had just worked out too. We weren't necessarily planning on any, you know, hanky panky...but who knows? At the very least, we just enjoy being together. It's summertime, and we're in love.
So we cool off together. We chat about our days-- side note, she is writing a dissertation and she is a rock star. She wrote another 12 pages today. Today.
Meanwhile, I lather up. It's this green soap, one of the handmade kinds. It smells like heaven. I mention this to her. I also mention that, on my run, I (seriously) came across a 100 lb. pig snoozing in my neighbors lawn. This is besides the point.
The point is, I get soap in my eyes. It's not really burning; I'm not that worried about it. I'm just talking and washing. What escaped me in this moment is a simple fact of my physical existence. You might be able to relate. When my eyes have been closed for more than 30 seconds, I get a little dizzy. It's more a feeling than a reality, like, "Am I standing straight or starting to lean?" But I don't want to stop talking and I don't want to stop washing. So I make the worst decision of my day. I decide to lean against the wall. I fell.
When I say that I fell, what I mean is that my feet both slip out from under me. **For a slow-motion eternity, my entire body was about 3.5 feet off the ground.** I manage to not knock her over, but other than that the shower now looks like a crime scene. As I type, my wife is still laughing and describing it to me...it's been about an hour. A direct quote: "You really haven't lived until you've seen someone fall while they were naked. I didn't know body parts could flail like that. Are you sure you didn't break the tub?" So much for hanky panky.
All in all I'll be ok, but I left about 99% of my marital dignity on the floor of that shower today. Now begins the journey to find my footing once again.
**Edit:** I asked her again about the number of pages she wrote. She has a 30 page outline that she used to write 12 pages of a chapter. I misheard.
ProfessorPaynus: The question we want to know the answer to is, when you slipped, did you drop the soap?
analyzes_comments: This comment received a high number of upvotes due to the seemingly innocent nature of the question proposed which, when further examined, contains an embedded allusion to prison anal rape culture, a source of humor for many individuals who have never actually been to prison.
Yodaddysbelt: 2/10
analyzes_comments: This comment was upvoted for several reasons:
* Concise
* Uses a format with which Reddit users are familiar (rating others' posts/comments on a 0 to 10 scale)
* First linked comment to disparage another users post which contains questionable or unorthodox content. This comment enables other users (who would otherwise not take the time to comment) to upvote this post and show their disapproval of the parent comment.
gravybiscuit: So passive aggressive, I like your style.
| 6 | 58.666667 | |
1405123993 | 1405133559 | t3_2ah1bn | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU my $500 guitar
I'm really not proud of this one.
I'm in the process of refinishing my favorite guitar. For those of you who are guitar players, it's a Carvin stratocaster that arrived as a kit; I painted and assembled it myself in high school. For those of you who don't, it cost me $500 and a lot of elbow grease. I did a crappy job when I was in high school and I really wanted a blue guitar, so I decided that now that I've got more money, time, and patience I would do it right. I sanded and scraped all the old paint off and got my baby back to a smooth, buttery, 600 grit feel.
I wanted to stain it a lovely blue burst color like [this hot piece of ass](http://cdn1.gbase.com/usercontent/gear/3029144/p4_uxpsbnx3a_so.jpg) so I went down to my local hardware store where they mixed me up two different colors of stain. I also picked up a pre-stain treatment oil that would go on before applying the stain. Altogether, I spent $50 (not including the sanding supplies I bought in order to sand off the old shit).
I applied the pre-stain oil which gave the bare wood a lovely amber sheen. Ten minutes later, I applied my first coat of the light blue stain.
It didn't absorb into the wood at all. I let it sit for ten minutes (the can insists you can't leave it on for more than three) and there was no effect at all. The guitar is barely tinted.
I figured that maybe it was because I was using the lighter mix, so in a separate container I combined the lighter stuff with the darker blue stuff. I *heaped* that shit on. There was a standing layer of stain on top of my guitar.
Fifteen minutes go by, and the thing is pretty much as brown as I left it.
At this point, I'm pissed. I check the labels on the cans a hundredth time to ensure that I was following the directions properly.
Here's where I fucked up.
I mentioned earlier in the post that I bought a pre-stain treatment *oil.*
The stain that I bought?
Water based.
I carelessly coated my guitar's body in what was essentially a hydrophobic substance and then was amazed that the water-based stain didn't take.
I'm kicking myself now. I don't know if I'll be able to sand it all back down because it's deep into the wood. I really really fucked up this time, boys and girls. I can't afford to buy a replacement body. I used the last spare $50 I'll have for a long time on these materials.
**tl;dr oil and water don't mix; read your fucking labels**
pm_me_your_tits_ple: OP would you care to post a picture of its current color? Just curious to how it looks like, cuz it might look good.
[deleted]: I can definitely assure you that it does not. I've applied a heavy duty chemical to attempt to strip out the little stain that dried onto the surface of the guitar as well as the pre-treatment oil so any picture I take right now would look ridiculous, but it basically looks like a piece of wood that has splotches of a barely visible blue tint (think a royal blue with about 5% opacity).
It looks like utter shit.
pm_me_your_tits_ple: :( sorry about your guitar buddy, I hope you can find a solution, maybe something that can remove the oil or cover it up. Gd luck. Keep us updated ;)
[deleted]: I found some badass chemical peeler that should do the trick. I think I just blew this way out of proportion. I typed it up while I was still really upset.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1405123099 | 1405250046 | t3_2ah00b | t5_2to41 | 268 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting that I was doing the dishes.
Last night I made extremely cheesy pizza and it got all over the pan. I thought to myself "Hey, I'll clean this tomorrow."
Well crusty cheese is super boring, so I put the sink plug in and turned it on. You know, let the pan soak so it'll be easier to clean.
That's a good concept, IF YOU REMEMBER THAT THE SINK IS ON. I ended up sitting down at my computer and chatting with a friend on Facebook. Five minutes later I hear a splashing sound, and that's when I remember that I left the sink on. Blindly ignoring all common sense I rush into the kitchen, slide across the tile, and hit the counter. Hitting the counter made me bend over and hit my head on the cabinet. Moving my arms too fast to my head made me slip, landing on my ass and breaking tiles.
I am now posting to you live from my kitchen floor where I have begun to accept my life as a 100% organic mop.
sirin3: Usually sinks have an overflow outlet, do they not?
No need for a rush
lorenzo22: not kitchen sinks.
sirin3: Afair the one of my mother had one
Perhaps it is different in Germany
In the US you have that kills-you-when-you-put-your-hand-in-it thingy instead
Lemon-Kun: What are you talking about?
czarchastic: Probably the garbage disposal.
sirin3: Yeah, that one
lorenzo22: you know, the slicer of fingers. and breaker of silverware
| 8 | 33.5 | |
1405125439 | 1405128173 | t3_2ah2s0 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Iammadrightnow: TIFU by wanking at 3:00 am. NSFW
This happened an hour ago....I hate this but...you will probably enjoy my pain.
I just came back from Germany ( tourism ) and I arrived at about 11:00 pm, so I proceed to greet all my family members and we have a good time together. At about 1:00 am, everyone was asleep, so I just start browsing the internet and looking at stuff on youtube, then...it hits me...a thumbnail with an ass ( Oh god ). It's time to wank I said, first day home and I wank...fml. I watched a few videos and eventually I explode and there's jizz everywhere. I go into the bathroom to clean up and I start pissing, woops I pissed on the seat a bit, no problem, gonna clean it with some toilet paper. Now at this point, I was standing up facing the toilet and I was butt naked with my pants around my ankles. As I took the toilet paper roll I immediately feel something fall on my dick and what is it? A fucking lizard. I start flipping out and I drop my phone into the toilet with all my piss still there, I take the phone out and it smells awful, piss everywhere. I pull my pants up and start yelling " Mother fucking crocodile bitch " and so after about 10 minutes of looking around the bathroom for the bastard, it's not there...strange...where could it have gone? so I leave the bathroom and see my dad standing there holding a cigar in his hand with a "WTF" look on his face and me half naked with my penis poking through my pants and he just quietly walks out of the house and has a smoke. I should mention my pants are quite baggy, like really baggy. I go into my room and start to watch youtube again when all of a sudden I get an itch....and it was terrible. I feel something in my boxers and it's moving. I get up and start smashing my dick and spanking myself all while making an "Ughh" "Uhhh" sound. My dad then walks in and he has a poker face. After the most awkward stare down in the world, he just says "Ok" and goes back to bed. Well shit, my dad thinks Im gay now. I then wear my pants and sit back down. 10 minutes later I feel insane pain in my asshole and HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE LIZARD HAS IT'S HEAD UP MY SHIT HOLE. I just yell at the top of my voice and run out of my room naked and go to the kitchen and I get a spoon ( I don't know why ) I try to stretch my asshole to get it out, a few painful minutes later, I'm naked sitting on the couch thinking about this being the most terrible and unsatisfactory wank I've ever had.
TLDR : 3 am wank, lizard falls on my penis, dad thinks I'm gay because I make weird sounds when in pain, lizards head up asshole.
WPBDoc: Is this Fiction Friday on TIFU????
Teotwawki69: *Friction* Friday.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405125376 | 1405126808 | t3_2ah2q2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU By saying "I love you"
So if you're familiar with the kik app it's like the default messager except a little better (outside of not being able to send videos but whatever).
I was talking to my girlfriend of almost a year (the story isn't about me saying it too early, we say I love you all the time) and we were talking one night about embarassing things. It gets into me saying I regretted going to her birthday party because I had an embarassing situation of spilling my drink on somebody but she took offense and thought I didn't want to go in the first place. Here's where it gets tricky, she gets silent. I figure her internet went out, which happens often at night, and because she doesn't have 3g / 4g due to being on an ipod touch she would have to wait until the internet is back. I don't take that into account though, I think she's mad at me because the messages went from the dark R meaning read to the light D meaning she has only gotten the notifications or the connection is cut halfway through the story.
After about 15 minutes I just say "I love you" because that's how we make eachother feel better when we are annoyed or upset, but her internet cuts back on right as I send it and I get the messages she sent while the internet was out. The messages went like this
11:24 Me: That wasn't my proudest moment when I did that though and i'll make sure to hold a drink with more expertise than a toddler
(All her messages get there at one time) 11:39 Her: I remember that its fine lol we got the stain out of his shirt
11:39 Her: I think my internet went out damn
11:39 Her: When you get these messages what else do you regret doing or saying? you tell good stories
11:39 Me: I love you
So she thinks I said I regret saying I love you, she was upset for a while until I explained myself but if she didn't let me I could've almost lost a girlfriend that day
jdub_06: if the gf is that temperamental and easy to piss off (esp after a year), continuing to emotionally invest in her is like thinking putting your dick in a bear trap will end well.
this sounds like something that a jr high couple should be dealing with.
pm_me_your_tits_ple: What if OP is in Junior High?
jdub_06: im guessing there are good odds at least one of them is a minor due to the ipod touch not iphone... you can get prepaid calling and data for like 35-40 a month and cheap android phones for less than an ipod touch hence i guess there is another reason, possibly outside of her control that she doesnt have it.
take the age out of it and id still say its a sign that you will give a lot more than you get emotionally...esp if its a patern not just a one off
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405120897 | 1405134247 | t3_2agwq1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by Trying to Chill Warm Soda
Teotwawki69: For future reference, if you want to chill a soda (or any canned or bottled beverage) quickly, wrap it in a wet paper towel and put it in the freezer for about fifteen minutes. No nasty residue, no lukewarm drink.
Volatilize: That was my option #2. This scenario was a one time thing and I have certainly learned my lesson.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405126910 | 1405149581 | t3_2ah4ti | t5_2to41 | 82 | Jesus_Shaves_: TIFU By masturbating with soap
So I was closing up shop at my job this evening when I got to feeling a little frisky. Keep in mind that I am in an isolated area and after a certain time I have complete privacy behind locked doors. It's a moderately successful restaurant.
So I was feeling the vibe and I took my shorts off and started choking the chicken, when I notice that things would be going a lot better if I had a little lubrication. I cast my eyes around the bar but to no avail. Finally they settle on the automatic soap dispenser. One of those electronic jobs that spurts a little foamy poof.
Perfect I think, I get a good handful and lather it one and oh boy is it great. A little in and it starts to dry out or absorb into my skin, I can't tell. So I get another handful and resume my diligent beating off. I need to re-lather about 5 time throughout.
When all is said and done(I'll spare you the details) I grab a wet paper towel and begin to wipe away the soap. I immediately notice a slight tingling sensation but I chalked it up to the cold water. Finish wiping and go to sip my pants when my Johnson just EXPLODES. Feels like it is on fire. I let out an audible yelp and begin just splashing water on my crotch. I think hot water might help better so I run to the sink in the back which is hot water only and commence trying to drown my pecker. THE BURNING INTENSIFIES.
I have never felt anything like this before. I run back to the front, pants still around my ankles, and grab a handful of ice and begin rubbing it on my flaccid wang. WRONG. It's like I stuck my peter in a jar of icy hot.
So fast forward through about 15 minutes of me waddling around this bar alternating between hot washcloth, ice cubes, and room temp tap water and the fire in my loins finally burns out.
Here I sit exhausted and ready to go home, with my pants still down hoping there aren't any embers waiting to re-kindle.
TL;DR Used restaurant hand soap to jerk off and it burns like the tongues of a thousand demons. I need a girlfriend.
idkwhat2: Good luck finding a girlfriend who wants to fuck a guy who uses scented rubbing alcohol as lube.
Jesus_Shaves_: I am going to choose to take this positively and say thank you.
idkwhat2: That positive attitude is going to get you really far in life. You're so welcome. Sorry about your dick.
Jesus_Shaves_: You win some you lose some. I just feel like this should have been a lesson I learned as a teenager.
Shadrixian: I feel like this should be x-posted to /r/teenagers so they don't fuck up too...oh well.
Sorry about your dick, bro, it'll be better tomorrow.
| 6 | 13.666667 | |
1405127744 | 1405128162 | t3_2ah5y7 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my mom cry
So my single mom explained to me that we are a low income family and she is struggling to find a job to support us. She was upset for the whole conversation because she said she was trying her hardest and she didn't want life to be this way. I was kind of upset as well so I went to listen to some music. I opened a video and plugged in my headphones. One ear wasn't working so I plugged them in again and guess what, they still weren't working. So I get kinda pissed and a few attempts later I freak out and shout "why don't you fucking work!!?" at the headphones.
Then I realized I fucked up. I hear my mom start crying from her room.
I explained to her what I meant and she started crying even more and said she wanted to go to sleep.
Naturomatic: I assume you are a young boy, and if I may, I would like to say that if you had explained the issue, she understood it, but due to lot of stuff on her shoulders, she just cried it away.
And people do feel better after a good cry.
You just go in there and promise you would make her proud one day.
Then make a plan, and make her proud!
Good speed, aware and emotional mister man!
[deleted]: Thanks for the comment. I will go ahead and do that.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405127188 | 1405334472 | t3_2ah56p | t5_2to41 | 171 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a little girl with no arms, "Where are your arms"?
So I work at a trampoline park and we had a kids summer camp come in to jump for a few hours so we knew it was going to be packed, little did I know the dipshit in me was going to come out that day.
Fast forward an hour and the crowd of kids are jumping and everything's going fine so I walk around getting to know a few of the kids and joke around with them, so while I do that I see this little girl just jumping with what I thought were her arms in her shirt because her sleeves were empty and just flopping around so I walked up to her and asked her where her arms were. She just looked at me and I thought she didn't he me
so my dumb ass says it ev louder this time. ***WHERE ARE YOUR ARMS?*** At this point I realized she didn't have arms, she didn't have anything past her elbow. Two seconds later her friends were taking her away and went to go jump somewhere else giving me looks of disgust.
Fucking hell GG putting my two weeks in now.
**TL;DR** Unintentionally teased a little girl with no arms by asking her where her arms were.
AKBlackWizard: Maybe you should have went and explained the situation to the chaperone and maybe have had the little come over, you apologize, chaperone explains to the girl this question may come up in life, you two sit and chat, work it out, buy her a fucking ice cream cone, thank the chaperone, and then not prepare you next resume. You failed at making this about the girl, rather than your self pity. I don't have pity on you, just your soul that is entrapped in the shell of a coward.
Sorry I'm not good at making people feel better, was that too soon?
DangerDeLuca: how can she eat ice cream without hands dude that's just rubbing it in her face that she can't grasp a spoon or hold a cone
AKBlackWizard: That's in the same vein of how can she eat anything...sorry sir, but that's a fucking retarded statement, she eats somehow, she can eat some fucking ice cream. I just hope you understand the words you typed, and how illogical that would be. She's still alive, she hasn't starved to death.
DangerDeLuca: it was a fucking joke
AKBlackWizard: Failed. Too serious, didn't come off funny.
DangerDeLuca: that was the point you tit
AKBlackWizard: If so serious, how is anyone suppose to take it as a joke your cunt
DangerDeLuca: I don't even know what you were trying to say hear you fucking moron
AKBlackWizard: You said "it was a fucking joke" and I'm saying if it came off to serious (which you said "That was the point you tit), how can it be a joke if it wasn't funny. Jokes are suppose to be funny. What you said wasn't funny, it was too serious. Wasn't even sardonic.
DangerDeLuca: you stupid fuck, obviously people found it funny if I got ten upvotes
AKBlackWizard: Only count 8, sorry. Sounds like more and more realized it was not A FUCKING JOKE!
DangerDeLuca: it was a joke you fucking cunt jesus christ.
AKBlackWizard: What kills me is that you could've stopped and just ignored me after the first time. You just continue to badger the situation, and I find it fucking hilarious because your acting like an over protective bitch about something not that important. You take this shit too seriously. No wonder your jokes aren't funny.
| 14 | 12.214286 | |
1405128398 | 1405139376 | t3_2ah6tc | t5_2to41 | 72 | guarayos: TIFU by drinking an entire bottle of cannabis tincture
A couple years ago I was experimenting with cannabis tinctures by soaking my old pot in Bacardi 151 for a few weeks. I finished that first big batch by draining the liquid from the solid matter. I wondered whether there might be any cannabinoids left in the solids so I added some more Bacardi 151 for round 2. I had assumed that nothing would come of it.
Several weeks later I drained that liquid out, smelled it, and since it didn't seem like it had worked I put it in a tumbler to drink so as to not waste the liquor. I drank it before dinner. After dinner while my wife and I were watching a movie I could feel some tingling in my feet so I knew the tincture had worked a bit. By the time the movie finished I felt a little high and went to sleep.
A few hours later I woke up in a panic. I said to myself "Oh no, I think I've made a horrible mistake". Holy shit was I stoned. I couldn't feel the bed or my arms or anything except the strong buzz all over my body. I said to myself. If I tried rolling over in bed I couldn't tell whether I was facing up or down. I said to myself: "It's ok, it won't last much longer." But my god it lasted a long time. I kept on saying to myself: "It's ok, as long as I don't go deeper into stonedness then I'd be ok." But deeper and deeper I went.
It felt like minutes between breaths. I tried to make sure I was breathing and was scared that if I stopped concentrating on my breathing I would suffocate. I really really really wanted to wake my wife up to make sure she could watch over me and take me to the hospital if needed. But I was embarrassed. I thought about going to the hospital and having them say "sorry there's nothing we can do, he just has to wait it out". And then I wondered how long it would take to come down. 24 hours? A week? I thought about the story I read a while back of the researcher a century ago who experimented with tinctures of cannabis. I wondered if I took more than any other human being had ever taken and that scared the shit out of me.
After what I think was 5 hours I finally came down enough to fall asleep and woke up several hours later totally fine. But I got rid of my tinctures so that nobody would make a mistake like that because of me. Tinctures can be dangerous.
Never again.
el_crunz: I doubt it was dangerous at all. At least you had the experience.
under______score: you'd be surprised. its rare but getting THAT blasted could leave you with some ptsd
el_crunz: Well then yer a damn rook!
Drainbownick: Yar, us real stoners know sometimes you just have to wait it out and pray you don't get found out or fucked with
dirtydela: waiting it out is rough sometimes. it's great when you finally come down enough that you can go to sleep.
| 6 | 12 | |
1405129826 | 1405330877 | t3_2ah8t0 | t5_2to41 | 2,151 | buttlerrrr: TIFU by having sex in my boyfriends jacuzzi [NSFW]
This Sunday after we had a couple of friends over to my boyfriends parents house, he and I decided to get a little frisky in the jacooz, brought along lube and I'm on the pill so I didn't think I had much to worry about. I mean obviously at the time it was very worth it, very cool, very drunk, but the following consequences canceled it out 10x.
The next day, a weird bump shows up just outside of my cooter hole, thinking it was only an ingrown pubic hair I don't let it bother me and wait for it to just go away. Well it didn't. It just got worse and worse. bigger and bigger. horrible...er and horribler... By the third day I couldn't even stand up without feeling like my vagina was going to pop. Laying down was bad and I didn't even think about sitting down so I decide to take my poor cooch to my doctor for some questioning.
I'm sitting in the doctors office, no pants, legs in a stirrup waiting to hear that it's just an infected ingrown hair waiting to be plucked when in walks my doctor but she isn't my friendly ginger lady doctor I'm used to, same woman, different feel. She tells me it's a Bartholin's abscess.
Inside of every cooter are two cyst on both sides where lubricant is produced for hanky pank and one of my two had become blocked, filled with pus, "plum full", my doctor said, and infected.
There are two fixes, antibiotics if the abscess isn't too large or marsupialisation which is a small procedure where the infected pus is drained and a small stitch is added to allow constant drainage until completely empty, well because I'm a dumb idiot and I waited TWO DAYS I had the operation under local anesthetic.
Barely even numb from the first painful needle, she starts in with the scalpel... Never in my 20 years have I ever experienced anything nearly this painful and I've had my fair share of broken bones and uncomfortable tattoos. I scream and cry until she finishes squeezing the last of the mistake out of my cooter while she apologizes and asks for more gauze every 10 seconds.
Finally finished after lord knows how much gauze and three times the amount of infected puss, I was done and feeling...lighter? I don't know but it was immediate relief. I sat up and could actually sit. The few minutes of agony were worth it. I had a check up scheduled, a prescription of 40 pain killers (what) prescribed, cleaned myself up, and went on my way.
TLDR; fugzed in the coozi, got a huge infection, slice n dice my cooter, acquired a large amount of pain killers 😎
EDIT: no longer a wall of text. sorry, mobile user/didn't notice
EDIT2: i'm only assuming it happened from the cooz because we didn't bang after that and then it showed up. it can be caused by ANYTHING at ANYTIME. be mindful of ur lady boners, ladies.
EDIT3:cyst=blocked, full. abscess=blocked, full, AND infected.
Andreooo: It was cool for me. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Edit: Thanks for my arm
x_Canada: Here is your arm bud \
Pyrelord: Now all i need is my leg.
[deleted]: _
/ \ Better?
slurp_derp: And his penis ? is he a tranny ?
[deleted]: Why Would HE be a Tranny if HE had a PENIS?
T_at: You know there's female->male transsexuals as well, right?
[deleted]: In my mind they were born female, and are female, but with a penis. Far as i will say, Gender of Birth is Current Gender, Even if it is changed to otherwise. Ie a Female, with a Penis. Or a Man with a vagina.
BadBoyJH: Mate, that's an absolutely terrible opinion, there's not much of them that remains that original gender. Even if you look at their birth certificate, it says the non-birth gender.
[deleted]: Here is it: Female is born Female, Male is born Male. They may have changed what they physically have through surgery/ies but thats the gender of birth, and i don't really care that they have changed their gender. It doesn't matter to me, I will treat them as a Human no matter how much i disagree with them changing their birth gender. I Don't think they should change their gender from birth, but its not my choice to say.
BadBoyJH: If it cures a lifelong depression, and makes them able to function as a happy member of society, then how dare you even think about disagreeing with their choice in the matter.
Sometimes males are born female, and visa versa, the "parts" were just wrong.
[deleted]: How dare I? Excuse me mother fucker, What makes you to decide my opinion? Im just a Man, Don't Follow my opinion. "If it cures a lifelong depression, and makes them able to function as a happy member of society, then how dare you even think about disagreeing with their choice in the matter.
Sometimes males are born female, and visa versa, the "parts" were just wrong." A male Cannot be born a Female, and vice versa. Thats why there is a Differance of genders. They Want to be the other gender, not they are the other gender. If you were born male, You are male, No matter how many fake female reproductive organs you have. No Matter How many Hormone Implants you have, You are male. That is why Only Women can have birth, Not men. Not Men that have been made to appear as a woman, only Women. I Treat them as human, but disagree with their decision. How Dare you disagree with people dicision do do Herion, Cocain, or Sniff Glue. Its their choice, so why do you dare disagree with it? You Saying "How dare i disagree" is a mistake like cutting your wrists vertically, Because you probably disagree with something. Murder? How dare you disagree. Putting your logic to murder, means it should be legal, because how dare you disagree. You think i know not of Depression? I have PTSD, almost everything i was ever told by them was a lie, I can never truely go home, It can never be the same as before, because the place i was born doesn't exist anymore.
BadBoyJH: No, their mind functions as that of the other gender, it has nothing to do with "desire" or "want", but "is right". Have you ever met a transgender person, and asked them why they changed?
[deleted]: Their mind functions/wants to be the other gender, but they were probably born as their gender for a reason, but no i havent asked a transgendered person why.
BadBoyJH: For a reason? Don't tell me you're bringing religion into this...
[deleted]: Wasn't. I Can, if you want.
BadBoyJH: OK, what else did you mean by "they were probably born as their gender *for a reason*"
[deleted]: That, Since they were born Male, They are ment to be, well, Male. (or vice-versa) Also, going onto the religious side of this: [This article is of nice explination](http://www.gotquestions.org/sex-change.html) I will however as well post a text of this incase the link doesn't work. " Although sex-change operations are not specifically mentioned in Scripture, human sexuality is spelled out clearly, starting in Genesis: "So God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them. God blessed them and told them, multiply and fill the earth and subdue it" (Genesis 1:27-28a). Genesis 1:31 tells us that His creation was excellent in every way. To say that gender does not matter is to disagree with God's design for creation and His proclamation that it was very good.
God is also very clear about appropriate sexual behavior. Sex is to be had and enjoyed in a monogamous marriage relationship between a man and a woman (1 Corinthians 7:2; Hebrews 13:4). Homosexual behavior is wrong (Genesis 19:1-13; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9). Cross-dressing is unacceptable (Deuteronomy 22:5). God talks about gender roles as well, such as male headship of the home and church (Ephesians 5:21-33). However, the Bible does not discuss culturally stereotypical gender roles. In fact, it gives a full view of personhood. While keeping the male-female distinction clear, the Bible provides multiple examples of men and women who are both nurturers and courageous leaders (such as David and the Proverbs 31 wife). Nowhere does the Bible imply that a person's sex is negotiable or optional. The Bible affirms both males and females in their worth and their personhood. People's gender matters, but we are not merely sexual beings (Galatians 3:23-29). It would seem, then, that sex-change procedures are not biblically acceptable.
However, some exceptions must be mentioned. There are people who experience physical defects in regard to gender. The most common would be that of an intersex condition in which a person has a mixture of male and female sexual organs. Gender Dysphoria, though not proven to be physically based, may also have biological roots. For people with either of these disorders, the same arguments made in favor of medical intervention for a birth defect can be made. To recognize a physical abnormality is not to say that God has made a mistake. To acknowledge the distress of those who suffer with such abnormalities is not to deny God's sovereign plan. To help bring these individuals to healing through medical intervention is not to usurp God. Rather, it is to say that the world is marred by sin that is sometimes reflected in our bodies. It is to use the gifts God has given us and communicate His love, comfort, and healing to a hurting person (John 9; 13:34-35; James 2:14-17). And it should be done for His glory.
Gender distortion is sin, but those struggling with their gender identity have an answer. For those who consider a sex change surgery due to past woundedness or abuse, there is healing through Jesus Christ. Those who wish to challenge the categories of gender to find some sort of freedom or justification can instead find true freedom in a relationship with God. Those who wish to change their sex in order to engage in sinful sexual practices can repent and be saved. Paul wrote, "Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God" (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). Apart from Christ we are all dead in our sins (Ephesians 2:1). But in Christ, we are made alive (Ephesians 2:5) and given a new identity, as a member of God's family (Romans 8:14-17)."
BadBoyJH: Religion is now in this argument, there's no counter to it, because quite frankly, it shouldn't be in a real argument.
Now, let me say this, I am religious myself, so I'm not ever going to hold that against anyone, but if I'm having a discussion about something, something important like a person's desire to stay alive, which for many transgender people, this has changed from "I'd rather be dead" to "Happy to be alive", I'd rather keep my religion to myself, because it's not relevant.
If we ignore religion, and say that there's no predetermination, no design, no plan, which is pretty much what non-religious means, then how can someone be "male for a reason" (this is why I asked if you were about to bring religion into this).
[deleted]: "Religion is now in this argument, there's no counter to it, because quite frankly, it shouldn't be in a real argument." I'm pretty sure this wieghs in on many arguments, that it should be included in. Value of Life? Bible. Recreation use of Drugs? Bible has a good explination. Never specifically Gender roles are mentioned, nor steriotypes, nor changing of Genders, and since you were male at birth and change to "female", you are still considered male, so what is the bibles view on Homsosexuality? Not Approved. Never does it say to harass and heckle them like the Westborough Baptist "Church" does. (They put their own views in with the bible, and say its the bible's view, and massivly distort it; never the less) As someone with PTSD ([Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkWwZ9ZtPEI) is a great view, of what it would be like to have it, from the soldiers perspective) and as someone with PTSD, i know, that if you attain what is known as "PTSD" You WILL Strangle out the pain until you are empty and cold, Crippled and worthless, with no feelings of family or relation. Even "Treated" These symptoms, Though less severe, are still the same as before. PTSD Leaves you when your soul leaves you, When you die. They are lucky that they only want to be the other gender, and want to get away from their past, rather then their past, let alone the traumatic past showing up in everyday scenario's. Its time to dust yourself off, and say "I may not be the happiest with what i am now, but its nothing compaired to what others have to live with. IE: Man up since you can, because we wish that was an option for us.
BadBoyJH: So, because you can't have your problems fixed, someone with "lesser problems", shouldn't have their's fixed?
In that case, next time I have the flu, I won't treat it then.
I say again, it's like depression, it's not a choice, it's not about saying "oh well, life could be worse", it's a massive phsyciatric disorder, that the cure for, is changing your fucking gender. It's not something people do on a whim, despite what you see on South Park, it's not something you can "get over", and it's not something you should ignore, because other people have it worse.
| 22 | 97.772727 | |
1405130295 | 1405180281 | t3_2ah9ed | t5_2to41 | 48 | sparkywilly: TIFU by telling a man he will end up in my bed.
As usual, 7 years ago...
At 20 years of age I was quite the angry fellow. Thought the world owed me and no one could match my intelligence. Anyhow, I was driving home from work in a pickup truck and there was traffic, of course. The guy behind me was in a jeep and I thought he was tail gating to be an ass so I slammed on my breaks and shouted, "Keep riding my ass, you'll end up in my bed."
To which he replied almost instantaneously, "I love it when you talk dirty."
Changed my life. Humiliation has it's perks.
sparkywilly: Good for you.
footpen3: Haha what?
Future_Sequence: I'm assuming it was a response to >TODAY I fucked up. Today.
| 4 | 12 | |
1405128291 | 1405132176 | t3_2ah6oe | t5_2to41 | 4 | Krazedmigit: Tifu by kicking a punching bag
So last year i bought a punching bag to blow of steam when im mad. It helps a lot actually. When im mad I just swing away then im to tired to do anything else.
Anyway, so today im just walking through my living room after playing some LoL (leesin jungle like a pro). I see it. Its shining and just begging to be kicked. I thought what the hell. HIKUH! I kicked the fuck out of it. Then, it suddenly hurts to stand. I try to push off the pain but as the day progressed it hurt more and more. I ended up going to the doctor and long story short i have a fractured foot. Yay..
Manbearphoenix: Lee sin would be impressed with your kicking skills. Kicked so hard you broke your own foot.
Krazedmigit: His will my feet. All hail!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405131906 | 1405132717 | t3_2ahbiq | t5_2to41 | 20 | 1337cereal: TIFU by saying "fuck you" to a random stranger
This literally happened today.
I woke up at around 11 today and I was a little groggy and irritable. First thing I hear from my mom is that my brother wants to go to wal-mart and old navy to go buy some stuff, and wants me to drive him there. So right there I'm really pissed for having to chofer him around. So I take him to wal-mart and when we're done there he wants to go to old navy. Then so I hastily drive to old navy. Where I live, old navy is in a shopping outlet, so there's an officemax right next to old navy. So I figure I go in there while I'm waiting for him.
Before I get the chance to park, (car is idling right by old navy while I look for spaces) he gets out real quick and says I'll meet you by that stall right there. Then I say "I'll be in officemax while I wait, but yeah meet by that stall." Then he says "yeah I'll meet you in officemax." Then closes the door. He doesn't have a phone to reconfirm where to meet so I get really mad at the confusion that he caused. So when I pull into the parking stall he said to go to, there's a car on the right of me parked. In my built up rage I look to the right of me (where old navy is) and yell out "FUCK YOUU." After a few seconds, I do a double take, and realize that the car that is to the right of me, has their fucking windows tinted. After a few uncomfortable seconds, I see this lady come out of the car and quickly walk towards a store, fearing for her life. Then I'm like "shit, what have I done." Then I walk into officemax and see that she's in there too, making it twice as uncomfortable. I tried my hardest to avoid any possible eye contact with the woman and to stay out of her way. Fuck tinted windows.
TL;DR accidentally yelled out "fuck you" to a woman in a tinted car.
Edit: Clarity
Edit 2: I'm actually not 100% she saw me/hear me say it, cause 1. both our windows were up and 2. I couldn't see if she was looking at me (tinted windows), but I have a hunch that she saw me.
Xezlec: Why not just shout "sorry, not you!"
Anyway she'll forget by tomorrow.
6romperstomper9: Why not shout out "Yeah you!" Reinforcing the point.
She will remember tomorrow.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1405134444 | 1405136435 | t3_2ahevn | t5_2to41 | 7 | alexd281: TIFU by brushing my teeth with something that wasn't toothpaste
Grabbed what I thought was [toothpaste](http://i.imgur.com/1iIEYzH.jpg) in a dark cabinet. I'm an idiot.
pandwphotography: Hope, for your sake, it wasn't Preparation H cream.
alexd281: Thankfully, not. Cortisone 10 has a similar color scheme to Colgate. I put an imgur link in the text to show the similarity. I still feel pretty dumb for not looking at it in better lighting.
pandwphotography: They had to have done that on purpose.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405134387 | 1405135367 | t3_2ahesj | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By telling the truth
I'm sorry, this one's kinda' sad, unlike all of the other amazing hilarious stories in this sub.
The story starts when I shot my boyfriend an e-mail so we could chat. Since I'm awful with conversations I asked a question "What would you're parents be most surprised to find out about you?". As per the usual fashion, he answered first and then I, his was pretty light hearted- and then came my turn to answer. I decided it was time to fess up about something, the fact that my parents basically forbade our relationship.
I started with '(Please don't freak out or something after I say this..)' and ended with 'I hope this grand reveal of sorts doesn't effect us to much... And if it does... I'm very sorry.'.
I hadn't actually lied to him at all, no, I'd never have the heart to do that. Just to my parents. I hid (and still hide) our relationship from them, and have become a pretty damn good lier in the process. He hasn't replied yet (I'm hoping he just hasn't seen the e-mail yet), and I'm freaking out. I fear I've made a grave mistake.
Razeial: Some people don't like being a 'Dirty Little Secret', others realize why it has to be.
Why do you have to hide him? Is he a ManBearPig?
rocket_sprocket: He is real! This is super cereal you guys!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405136792 | 1405175234 | t3_2ahhnu | t5_2to41 | 286 | lemniscateoo: TIFU by introducing myself to a co-worker who was mid-poop
I work as a camp counselor at a camp upstate. I'm a returning staff member this year, and I arrived at camp for staff training an hour or two early, so not many staff members were there. I asked my director when the international staff members would be getting there, and she said that none of them would be up at the cabins yet, so I, thinking that all the cabins were empty, drove my car up and burst into my cabin, acting like I owned the place. This cabin had been my home for so long, and I was so excited for another summer at camp.
I thought, what better way to usher in the summer than to take my maiden dump in the cabin. After dropping my bags on the floor, I walked up to the door and kicked it in - yes, literally. There before me, sat my co-counselor from the UK who had yet to meet anyone at camp taking a poop on the toilet. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next, but for some reason, I extended my right hand and said, "Hi, I'm *my name*." I was so excited to begin another summer that I'd rehearsed how I would meet the new staff members over and over, and I guess it was a reflex.
Now, this girl is absolutely terrified. The look of utter shock in her eyes is not to be believed. She has just come to the United States to work with strangers for an entire summer, and this random woman has just walked in on her pooping. Now, at this point, I had realized just how hard I done goofed. My next thought was something along the lines of 'I know! Humor will solve everything.'
Very confident in my imminent social recovery from my faux pas, I began to look around the bathroom for something to comment on. At this point, almost 5 entire seconds had passed. Do me a favor and count out five seconds right now. It's way longer than you think. This poor girl was sitting there, terrified, facing a stranger, whose hand is still outstretched, and I, at this point, have for some reason fixated on a spider web in the corner. I raise my left hand slowly to point to the web with my right hand still outstretched, desperately searching for something funny to say. I've got nothing.
I have now realized just how bad this has gotten, and all I can muster is a feeble "I'm sorry" before running out of the bathroom and driving away as quickly as I possibly can.
sinetybrit: as a british man i can confirm we are a nation of shameful shitters....
this is probably the worst thing that could have ever happend !
TROPICAL_FISTING: My roommate walked in on me having a shit last week, we haven't made eye contact since
| 3 | 95.333333 | |
1405136297 | 1405144072 | t3_2ahh1s | t5_2to41 | 12 | _maraxus_: TIFU by eavesdropping on the phone...
Today I was getting some much needed sleep when suddenly my grandfather(he lives at my place but doesn't have a key) starts calling meoutside my window to open the door... at 5am.
I went to bed late last night and was really tired but I woke up and opened the door and asked him why come at such hour but he just apologized quickly and left. 5 minutes later as I am trying to get back to sleep he knocks on the door of my room and asks me to open the door for him in 15 minutes because he has to go to the "drugstore", I asked why he hasn't gotten it before coming here but he said he really needed to go now and left anyway.
At this point I was getting a bit annoyed. I couldn't get back to sleep so I went to get some breakfast. After moving a little I had the need for a bowel movement so I went to relieve myself when 2 minutes later I hear the bell ring and my named being called really loudly... I try to wipe quickly and go to open the door, my grandfather only says thanks and bolts inside and I start to get somewhat confused... I ask him if something is going on the phone starts ringing at that very moment... he says " I have to get this" and spends like 5 minutes talking about money on the phone addressing someone as "sir". At this point im confused, annoyed, tired and feeling unclean... but I decide to listen on the talk, maybe he is being extortioned and is afraid to talk about it??? I pick up the phone and hear the voice of my uncle, whom I haven't heard of in years.
"Dad, please, how much money do you have?"
"I don't have any more, I sent you all I have."
"Please I need $3000, HE IS ASKING FOR 3000 MORE!"
My heart starts racing, they have kidnapped him! I need to help...
"I told you I don't have any more money."
My uncle starts crying.
"They are going to put me in prision if you don't give them more money! Please daddy!"
This goes on for a bit when the policeman takes the phone.
"Sir, your son is a cheater, he said he was going to give us the money but his card doesn't work! If you don't give us more money we are going to send him to prison!"
At this point I forgot I had an ass not wiped properly.
"No sir please, come on, I don't have more money right now, only $600. Please wait a bit don't send my son to prison!"
"Sir, I understand, I am a father too, I will help you solve the situation, put that money on my account and we will help your son, $600 you said it was". (gives account number)
"Yes sir but I can't right now, I am bothering my grandson too much I live with him and he is asking for an explanation".
"DO YOU WANT TO GO YOUR SON TO GO JAIL? This is taking too long! just bring your cell phone with you, I'll call you in a bit to see if you made the deposit. And don't share this with ANYONE ELSE, this is exclusively between us!".
"Ok ok sir."
*click*
TLDR I learned that my uncle is a criminal and my grandfather is trying bail him out, don't know if I should talk about this with the rest of my family, and my country is stil corrupt as shit and I need more sleep. FUCK
ColScimitar: sounds more like someone is scamming your grandfather. google it its a common scam.
_maraxus_: Wow I never thought of that.... his OWN son though... scamming him? : /
ColScimitar: you said you hadn't talked to your uncle in years I bet it's not even him just someone pretending.
_maraxus_: Hmm I did hear his voice though, or maybe they are just good at faking voices, in any case, I am going to talk about this with him, ask him when was the last time he himself saw his son, etc.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1405133920 | 1405139052 | t3_2ahe6b | t5_2to41 | 17 | DiscoDanTheDiscoMan: TIFU by trying to help my Grandpa
My grandpa loves family history and so he had someone he knew get all his old family photos (most of them still on film) developed, scanned and put onto a portable hard drive. With every photo on the hard drive, he got rid of the original photos as they were just taking up space. He came over today and asked if I could put the photos on his new tablet that he got. It was an android tablet and I'm pretty experienced with technology so I thought it would be a breeze. In the middle of transferring the photos I somehow fucked up and deleted all of the photos from everywhere. I checked the recycling bin, every folder on his tablet and all through the hard drive and they were all gone. Ctrl-Z wasn't helping either. In a panic I searched up random old family photos on google and eventually found a collection of random family photos. I managed to transfer all of those photos onto the tablet and eventually, feeling extremely shameful, returned the tablet to my grandpa. My grandpa is quite old and to my surprise, he didn't notice that they were different photos. He continued looking through them remembering all these photos of a random family as if it were his. Crisis averted...somehow...
Tl;dr my grandpa is old and can't tell his family photos from someone else's.
AtheistComic: http://i.imgur.com/TaTdV.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/OddCluelessFieldspaniel](http://gfycat.com/OddCluelessFieldspaniel)
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| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1405130130 | 1405213325 | t3_2ah96e | t5_2to41 | 11 | Notanyonefamous: Tifu by noticing a hot coworker
Kind of an old one for me (two years). It was my first week at my new job and absolutely loved the amount of beautiful women I was going to be working with. And that started a crappy work relationship.
I was in the middle of running like a mad man working on some equipment, and had to haul ass back to my toolbox in our maintenance shop. That's when I noticed this amazing blonde. I practically stopped in my tracks to turn and enjoy all that was before me. After I turned I began to walk and passed a new co-worker. The only thing that came out of my mouth was "Damn I love working here!" And motioned back to the woman walking away.
Yeah. It was her husband. And a head honcho where I work. I've had to work with him closely on projects since. Needless to say he's still holding it against me. In all honesty it makes it fun since he's a smug son of a Bitch.
Sorry. First post and on a phone none the less.
ww2colorizations: He probably likes the smell of his own farts...... hence the smug SOB
Bobjohnson1232: Southhhh parkkkkk
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1405141781 | 1405929375 | t3_2ahnnn | t5_2to41 | 81 | maddrb: Tifu by waking my wife at 3am by farting and stinking her out of the room.
3am and all was well. I was 2 hours into the four hours of sleep I had planned tonight. I drifted out of slumber into that dangerous zone where awareness is working, but judgement isn't. I felt a pressure deep down below and realized what was brewing. In my half awake state, giving it all I had seemed like the manly thing to do. I breathed in, and then bore down with all my might.
What let loose from my bowels was a thing of beauty. This had tone, duration and most of all... reverb. The volume on this bad boy probably set off car alarms halfway down the street. It was enough to move me out slumber into full, horrified awakening, to remember that my wife was sleeping on the other side of the bed.
Only she wasn't sleeping anymore. She was rolling over, covering her mouth and gagging profusely. Somehow, somewhere, I'd managed to channel enough gas from the gates of hell to take down a small planet. This wasn't just horrible, this was a level four biological weapon of mass repulsion. This was rotting flesh sauteed in a little swamp gas, with a side of happy hungry maggots. As the now airborne toxin of destruction crept out from under the covers, my wife shot me a look of horror multiplied by disgust. The last thing I saw was her grabbing her pillow and storming out of the bedroom. I tried to mumble a heartfelt apology, but was too busy gagging to clearly articulate anything.
Finally with a full brain working I realized there was nothing I could do to salvage the moment, so I went back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that I was going to pay for this later. When I awoke 2 hours later, I found her sleeping in the recliner, looking very pissed. I left for work without waking her.
Tl/dr: farted, woke wife, repulsed wife with gas of death, #going to pay for this later.
ashodhiyavipin: You sir just gave me stomach cramps of the worst type today! I literally had to lie down and take deep breaths in order to calm my self knowing my family is in the next room considering that I am currently banned from using the computer.
ICannotHelpYou: ....banned from using the computer? Would you like me to get you an adult?
ashodhiyavipin: I am doing my post grad .... just the thing is I have just failed in three of my subs so hence the ban on using computer.... :P
ICannotHelpYou: That seems pretty counter intuitive to me. I would fail all of my subjects without a computer.
ashodhiyavipin: yeah it is counter intuitive but makes me concentrate on books more than reddit :P
| 6 | 13.5 | |
1405141174 | 1405142727 | t3_2ahmz3 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU today i texted my exes mom
**tldr texted exes mom to get something back, apologized for being a giant douche, wound up discovering that i still have feelings for ex i just buried those feelings and now they are all back, and ex may have feelings for me, but there are trust issues too ahhhhh!!**
ik its a wall of text but you may find it a little amusing to know my current predicament
all i wanted was my cup back, its one of those nice bubba keg ones, so i texted her and asked if she still had it and when she responded with idk but ill look for it and was a general nice lady about it i thought maybe i should apologize for the way i acted at the end of the break up(i wasnt very mature......at all, so it was a much deserved apology because neither of those two deserved to be treated the way i treated them.) when i apologized i didnt make excuses or anything i just said i was an idiot and that i was sorry. she then said that it was ok she understood, i elaborated a little further by saying that even though i was hurt it didnt make up for the childish way i acted and i should be better than that. the mom then said that she thought this girls boyfriend was going to break up with her soon if that made me feel better. it didnt, i never really wished for them to break up(initially maybe, but not recently.) i didnt see why that would have made me feel better because i did some serious tifu by doing a little to much of the tell part of kiss and tell and thought i had ruined any sort of relationship friendship or otherwise between the ex and i. her mom then goes on to say that the ex brought out a very sentimental gift i gave her towards the end of the relationship that i assumed would have been destroyed based on how mad i made the ex. so now i dont know.............. if she still has this gift then maybe she still has feelings? i know i need to apologize but i dont really know how. lastly if she does want to get back together that is somewhat problematic because when we broke up she hurt me pretty bad too, so there are some serious trust issues on both sides. idk what to do next.
edit: bolded tldr
Nifty_Naz: Have feelings for someone isn't fucking up. The title was a false alarm haha.
[deleted]: i really feel like i shouldnt have texted her though, i was fine before and now am not, thus wouldnt the action that cause that have been a fuck up?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405142217 | 1405143534 | t3_2aho6x | t5_2to41 | 27 | jzs007a7: TIFU by texting while getting head
So this happened almost a year ago and seeing all of these other TIFU's I decided I might as well share
So me and my girlfriend had been dating for a while and we were really wanting to start taking our relationship a step further. One day me and my friends were hanging out and she told me to meet her at a park. There was a winky face in the text so I obviously couldn't reject because I was hoping good things would happen. So me and my friends go and meet her and things quickly get heated and we were making out.
Problem 1: my friends thought it'd be funny to take the car and leave me and her there so we had no where to go.
Problem 2: me being the smart thinker I am I suggest we go into the woods to continue on that no children see us.
So we go to the woods and continue to make out and she goes down and me and starts going at it. A little while later one of my friends who left us there texted me and asked where we were.
Problem 3: I told him exactly where we were and what was happening.
Me still being the genius I am decide to carry on a conversation with him. This is when shit hits the fan. My girlfriends looks up and sees my on my phone grinning and I guess it looked like I was taking a picture or video so she started yelling at me and hitting my phone before I can explain all of my friends run out of the brush around us and start screaming she immediately thought that I had told them where we were so they could watch so she stands up and leaves and me not thinking run after her.
Problem 4: I didn't pull my pants up.
So I was running through the park with a half chub with families and couples glaring at me. I quickly realized my pants were down and pulled them up and me and my friends ran to the car and peeled out and I haven't been back there since then.
[deleted]: Sooooo you're like 16, right?
jzs007a7: 18 lol
[deleted]: Close enough. I do NOT miss those days
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1405141248 | 1405162119 | t3_2ahn27 | t5_2to41 | 3 | dockersshoes: Tifu by thinking a girl was a prostitute
Last night a friend and I were meeting a mutual friend at her house in Manila. Now, any white male that has been to the Philippines can attest to the fact that prostitutes are a dime a dozen and shop themselves fairly aggressively. Anyway, we get out of the taxi and are looking around, trying to find some of the landmarks on the way to her house. Two young Filipino girls give the traditional call of, "Excuse me siiiiiir..." I look their way and give the curt, dismissal hand wave with a firm, "No." They give a short, inquisitive look to each other and continue walking as my friend receives a call from the girl were trying to find.
He starts walking and I follow in tow, just a few paces behind the prostitutes. The prostitutes turn, and we turn. They walk towards a building, and we walk towards the same building. At this point I start getting slightly nervous that I'll have to deal with them again, but also wonder why they are heading towards this nice high rise. I see them get on the elevator as we get buzzed in by the front desk security guard.
We get on the elevator and take it up to her floor. We buzz her door and are greeted by prostitute 1, that's when I recognize her as our friends young house maid who was apparently just down on the street to find us and guide us to the house. Her gaze is...stony, to put it lightly. We exchange hellos with our friend and her boyfriend and they invite us to sit down for a quick meal.
For the next half an hour my eyes are locked down on my plate whenever the two maids bring out food or drinks. They keep asking why I am acting so sheepishly and I give the thin excuse of, "Oh, I'm not used to being served like this. It's a little weird to me." (which is true).
Me and my friend finish our meal, give the polite goodbyes to everyone (including the maids much to my humiliation) and walk out. When we are waiting for the lift I glance over to him and see his judgmental death glance followed by his rightful comment of, "Dude, fuck you."
TL;DR- Fuck you. I typed it, just read it.
penguinsstealsanity: Could have been worse. You could have asked how much.
snezima23: That's what I thought was going to happen.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405143440 | 1405159751 | t3_2ahpi2 | t5_2to41 | 37 | BeerWithDinner: TIFU by telling a kid in my shop that I would rather hang myself than listen to him play another Skynyrd song
Kid was in my guitar shop with his brother (which I did not know at the time) and they both were playing Lynyrd Skynyrd songs note for note, for about 45 minutes. These kids had the songs down, they played them well, my problem was that I hate Skynyrd about as much as The Dude hates the Eagles. I walked over at the end of song 5 and politely ask them if they would be willing to move to a more sound dampening room, and the kid just acted like an ass. I explained that I did not mind them jamming but if they would just take it to a private room...
That was as far as I got before the kid got irate. I was offering him a private room, and he told me to fuck off? I just wanted to be able to hear on the phone... so I looked at him and said "I would rather hang myslelf than hear another Skynyrd tune."
He calls his dad bitching, yada yada yada... Office time with boss!
DoctorEmmetLBrown: I don't know who's the bigger asshole. You, the kid, or the dad.
BeerWithDinner: I may be an asshole, but kid had the amp on 11 playing a 5k guitar that did not belong to him
sundevils2014: Next time just play along with him note for not half a step out of tune. The kid will just leave on their own accord.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: Half a step? No... Play along in A standard.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1405143881 | 1405145064 | t3_2ahpxm | t5_2to41 | 6 | gallopinggoose: TIFU by leaving my freezer door open.
There was a minor accident at my home today while I was out for an hour. It involved me leaving the freezer door open, homemade ice cream in a Pirex glass bowl falling out and shattering into exactly 6,000 pieces, and my robotic vacuum cleaner trying to clean it up. So, my night to myself involved many efforts to regain control of the floor and the de-ice-creaming of the Roomba. On the plus side, my floor will be much cleaner in the end then I originally intended, and I've found amusement in the situation.
Oakshot: You really should have taken pics.
gallopinggoose: my instinct was to just dive right in and start cleaning... you're totally right though. But I still have the story.
Oakshot: It's fun to leave up to the imagination, but it'd still be neat to know how big your apartment was to have an idea how hard your little cleaning buddy tried on cleaning up that ice cream, all over.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405145561 | 1405148560 | t3_2ahrm9 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting an old lady with my shopping cart
Today I went grocery shopping and this little old lady was driving around in a motorized shopping scooter at full speed and I came out from and isle and she just zoomed right in front of me like a damn train that came out of nowhere and BANG! I t-boned her. She cursed at me in spanish and drove away while everyone looked at me with disgust :/
sundevils2014: This would have been the perfect opportunity to put all of that high school Spanish into play and curse back at her.
[deleted]: I tend to give old people a break, they lose their sex life and I'm pretty sure that plays a big role in their crankiness. I just laughed that's why everyone looked at me ugly haha
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405140468 | 1405171254 | t3_2ahm6i | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing an alien mask
This actually happened two years ago but I just found this subreddit and it was the first story I thought of.
Obligatory background information: I was a varsity soccer player at my high school in my junior year. We were having a good year for the first time in a long while (like 4 years) and at 7-2 cockiness ensued. Before every game we decided that we would have a theme when we went to school on game days (for some reason we couldn't wear our jerseys to school wtf administration?? ) so we did the normal things, dressing up as our mascot and what not. It continued, we kept winning, and after a game where we went as the Men in Black we thought it would be funny to go as aliens. Our rivals were in the same town as us as any good rivalry should be and their mascot was the cowboys. The movie cowboys vs. aliens had just come out so we decided it was fitting...although I guess we never really thought about the fact that the aliens lose in the end....whatever
We go to school approximately 25 guys in alien masks fucking around all day the teachers know who everyone is and we all go to class so no one gets in trouble. Half day we get out at 12:10 so we go out for lunch as a team for pre game. So this is where we mess up. Instead of doing the right thing and driving back to school and suiting up for the game we decide to have a little fun. 3 car loads of us drive LITERALLY half a mile to the other school to mess with/shit talk the other schools soccer team who we assumed would be out the same time as us. Even though we were rivals it wasn't anything particularly malicious so we didn't see anything wrong with it. Soooo we end up in the other schools parking lot driving through looking for our counterparts and we just flat out see no one. Everyone's cars were still parked in and that's when we realized that no one was out because the other school DIDN'T have a half day like us. Oh damn we thought, I guess we can't have any fun. We drive on out and on our way we see a custodian and wave hello, I swear he gave me a look like I should go die in a hole and at that point I was severely confused.
This is probably where I should've realized that we had an issue. At the time we did not think this through properly. But we were three full carloads of large athletic kids driving a circle through a school parking lot.....with masks on. *cringe*
To try to wrap this up faster..
-We arrive back at our school and get ready for the game
-Every player on our team called to the office
-Cops everywhere
-They act like we've gone out and murdered someone and force us to tell them everything we've done today
-Other school went into lockdown because of masked "terrorists"
-Almost get arrested
-Get accused of terrorism
-We forfeit a game to our rivals
-7 of our starters including myself are suspended for two games
-everyone is grounded for life
Turns out we are really dumb and just didn't think about what we were doing at the time but we really had no intent to scare/harm anybody.
But for the next 5 months everyone was spreading rumors that we had broken into the school and had been running through the halls vandalizing stuff so everyone was out to get us including the cops. In reality we just drove on a public road one time through (with masks I know)
This game was also a memorial for a friend who had recently committed suicide so it was really heartbreaking to sit through the police interrogations knowing that out on the field they were planting a tree for someone that you cared about and you're stuck dealing with something stupid that you put on yourself for not thinking.
OffTheGridAndy: That actually sounds really fucking dumb. People are wayyyyyyyy too sensitive. Terrorism. For Alien masks. Smh.
rambo6464: Exactly. Huge over reaction in my opinion. Really wish people didn't take themselves so seriously.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405150996 | 1405156494 | t3_2ahw6i | t5_2to41 | 17 | trggrhppyjulian: TIFU by using 68,000 dollars worth of data roaming and almost getting my mum fired
My sister, mum and i took 10 days to explore Europe and check out universities for my sister and i to go to next year. Anyshit my sister and i being completely addicted to the internet would literally go cold turkey without being able to check social media for half a day. So we are in Switzerland and i remembered shit, don't all phones have hotspot?
This is where mum comes in, shes the vice president of a pretty big hotel firm and her phone is paid for by the company , which i thought fuck yes no worries the company can pay for this. So yeah found her hotspot and went ham checking youtube, facebook, instagram etc.
Fast foward we get onto the plane and land back in Hong Kong where i live, and mum instantly gets a call from her boss asking why the fuck her phone bill is 68 thousand dollars. She comes home and tells sis and i she had to pay that pack. :/ Furthermore shes the type of mad where she cant be fucked to deal with your shit, so silent treatment and the whole im not mad im just disappointed which sucks even more.
TLDR used my mums company phone hotspot whilst overseas and cost her 68 grand
ToastedTires: Wow. You have a nice mom. The amount you pissed away because you "couldn't be without the internet" is more than my parents made combined in a year worth of work. Enjoy that silver spoon.
jibroni_balogna: for real. I feel like this guy was totally let off the hook for blowing away 2 years salary for normal people
ToastedTires: Yep, getting the silent treatment would have been the least of my worry's. Getting the shit beat out of me or driving my family into the poor house is what a $68,000 mistake would have caused. Guess by some folks standards $68k is a manageable mistake.........must be nice ya know.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1405153668 | 1405154423 | t3_2ahy22 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU By making the girl I had a crush on very sad
TIFU, or so I think. This technically happened yesterday but that was only a couple of hours ago considering I am writing this at about 1am. Okay into the fuck up.
I currently am a 17 year old(m) soon to be junior (11th grade for anyone that doesn't know) and the girl (let's call her Tasha because I like that name) in question is in the same grade and I'm assuming about the same age. Well in 8th grade me and Tasha had an art class together and we would talk, sometimes with her close friend. She was extremely cute but I was young and shy and didn't want to risk telling her that I liked her for fear that she would think I'm weird and never talk to me again (a little over dramatic, I know, just an excuse for me being a little bitch). Well the semester ended and we didn't really see each-other or talk after that but I heard a rumor that she liked me. I never got the chance to confront her about it though because soon after that she moved from where we were in southern Washington state to Seattle which is a couple hundred miles north toward Canada. Well it's now my sophomore summer vacation and I'm going to be a junior and I haven't heard from her since.
I don't remember who poked first but we began a poke war on Facebook and eventually we started talking. We talked about casual things like school sports and how hot it is outside, and then she says she just moved to Arizona (she said it's been about 2 weeks). I think to myself how ruff it must be to have 2 move twice during middle school and high school and have absolutely no friends and just have to start over meeting all new people. Tasha then brings up her interest in dancing/singing and acting and I tell her how great my high schools drama department is. She says that she's heard the same thing through her old best friend and she wishes she could have done just 1 show with her old friends. From this and just the tone of the following texts I get the feeling that she is homesick. I turn the conversation to other things and eventually goodbyes are said and she logs off Facebook (this entire interaction had happened over messenger).
Now this is where I fuck up big time. I start thinking about Tasha and how much I liked her and how fun it was talking to her and I decided I would tell her how I felt. *This is the message I sent her over messenger*
*
I know this is a couple years late but I feel like you should know. Sorry that it's so late but I wanted to say this as soon as possible and not waste anymore time. I remember when we were in art class together in like 7th or 8th grade with A***** and we would talk sometimes and because of that that period was my favorite class. I loved talking to you and I heard a rumor that you liked me and thought it was too good to be true. I liked you too and I thought you were really cute, and you are. I never said anything about how I felt because I was worried you would not talk to me anymore or things would be awkward between us and that was the last thing I wanted. I guess I was just too young and too shy to say anything. I hadn't dated anybody in a while and I've never really had a serious relationship and I didn't know what that would be like. I just loved how you didn't care what anybody thought and just were really nice and fun to talk to. We never really talked after you moved until we began... Poking... I guess and then you messaged me and we talked and now I feel like you should know. Maybe if I had been older or more mature I would have said something to you and I know it's way late and your a couple states away and I'm hoping you won't think I'm weird. It really sucks that you had to move and if you hadn't maybe we could have been friends or maybe even something more. I will always regret not saying something sooner but I'm glad that you know now. Your really cute and funny and I'm sure you'll be happy in Arizona. :)
*
I'm not gonna show her texts because that wouldn't be right without asking but she basically said that was "one of the cutest thing someone had ever said to her, she didn't think it was weird, and she totally did have a major crush on me". I was so relieved when I got her text, I was just so happy that she didn't think I was weird.
We talked for a bit after that and then I said the dumbest thing of my life. I told her she should move back. At first I didn't think anything of it. Then after she didn't respond for about 10-15ish minutes I looked took a step back and realized I had just majorly fucked up! She was 16 or 17, had no control of where she lived, was already feeling homesick, and had just had a second major move in under 5 years, has had to leave all her friends behind twice, and here I am after just a couple hours of talking to her tell her to move back. After about 20 minutes she said she doesn't have plans to move back or even visit until she has graduated, which she plans on doing in Arizona. Not much is said after that and I have to go to work in the morning so I tell her I should get to bed, but here I am at 1:30 am and I still can't sleep. I must have made that poor girl feel homesick and may have ruined my chances of getting to know her better (the second part seems extremely selfish after re-reading it). I really do like this girl she is funny and cute and is just really fun to talk to, and I just can't believe I put her through this.
If anyone has any advice on how to mend things or what I should do please help, I really hope I didn't screw things up and make a girl I like very sad. I just hope she is doing okay. The next few hours and work starting at 6 are gonna be just me being a zombie wishing I could go back in time and feeling horrible.
DannyMethane: It's all gonna work out how it should. Play it cool. Keep talking to her. Don't mention how stupid you think you were. Just carry on like normal. What shall be shall be. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Who knows? Maybe she's in it.
ShamWowTheGreat: Thanks man, I am probably just gonna act like nothing happen just to test the waters and see how things go.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1405156361 | 1405156823 | t3_2ahzw9 | t5_2to41 | 11 | aceinthehole45: TIFU by accidentally stabbing myself in the hip
This actually happened about 24 hours ago, but I've been in the trauma unit and haven't had access to my phone. Anyway, I was in my room sitting at the computer, watching Dexter. I was also absentmindedly playing with my new knife. I was poking at my hip area, thinking my knife wasn't sharp enough to cut through my shorts. I was wrong. I lost over a pint of blood because I nicked an artery and just about blacked out. I am currently lying awake in my bed in the hospital. I luckily haven't done more damage other than a fairly deep cut. Almost had one of my testicles removed because I am a dumbass.
Cooljoe95: Your ending should have been your title
aceinthehole45: Ah, well, hindsight is 20/20.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1405164143 | 1405177014 | t3_2ai53h | t5_2to41 | 6 | iamanretarded: TIFU by drinking and trusting a "friend"
Don't do what I did. Don't.
So the last couple of days have been an entire fuckup for me, I recently flew back in from Melbourne (Australia), after I got off the plane (with little to no sleep, long trip to Melbourne airport from where I was) I decided to get a mate to pick me up so we could go to the Casino. Whilst there, we did some stupid things, I had ativan on me and knew I was going to be drinking.
Fast forward a few hours; I've taken a few ativan, some ritalin and I'm out of it. Casino kicks me out due to a massive panic attack (Combination of the drugs and already being stressed about life) we grab a hotel room. I'm out of it. My mate decides we should go get some more alcohol, we get in a taxi, bottleshops are closed (I have no idea what time it is). Blank, I'm gone after this.
Fast forward some more hours, it's 7am and I'm at a medical clinic, explaining that I've had a massive panic attack and it won't subside. I'm getting checked out, they ask my friend to talk privately with them. He gets out, can't find me and runs off. I'm stuck there, 2 other mates who we were with at the Cas come and get me. All this time the other guy has my wallet, card. Everything.
Get back to the casino, he's there. Everything seems fine, I need sleep. I'm hallucinating at this point, I catch a taxi home before I get too bad. Got my card, got everything.
Today is when it gets worse, I sleep for ages, wake up. I'm hungry, I go to order pizza, checking my bank account... I've lost another 2 grand since I last checked. My "friend" confesses to stealing my card details, he's laughing about it, I'm panicking hard. Call the bank, panic attack, he must think I'm on drugs. My card's cancelled and the payments are being reversed. I have no card, no money on me until Monday at least.
TL;DR, by drinking heavily, taking various pills and drinking, I managed to get kicked out of a casino and have a "friend" steal my card details.
TIFU hard.
Qqboxing: At least your getting the money back
iamanretarded: I hope I wasn't too bad on the phone, I forgot passwords and had to answer other questions. I was stressing. He said I had to wait for the pending money to go through, then they'll be disputed and reversed in a few days.. I hope so.
seraph77: Just make sure you don't say you "gave" him your wallet. Imply that you were unconscious and he took it off you. The banks don't want to eat that money, and know they will rarely get it back even after a prosecution, so they'll look for a loophole.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405169290 | 1405222616 | t3_2ai92v | t5_2to41 | 16 | Veinix: TIFU by jerking off at night
Oh look at me I'm posting on TIFU today instead of reading of other people fucking up. Yay. This didn't happen today but a week ago, then it wasn't *safe* to post it. Why do you care? You still get a laugh of it.
Some of my nieces and nephews came to visit me (The boy being younger than me, and the girl older, don't ask me how that's possible. My mom is old.) during the summer. I had to wake up early because We were going out to hike in the local areas. After hours of travelling by foot in the hilltops we arrived home at night, late. I was feeling quite horny so I though I would grab my laptop, go sit in the living room and jerk it.
If you're wondering why I wouldn't just do it in my bedroom it's because my niece usurped my holy kingdom for her own gain eg. Sleeping and doing her makeup.
After finding a good video and convincing myself that everyone in the household was asleep I commenced the ritual. So focused on the girl in the video I didn't hear my creaky bedroom door open. My bad.
I hear footsteps and a voice say "Why are these lights on?" and my first instinct was to slam my laptop on my Goliath (My nickname is David so y'know "David *beat* Goliath") and just smile and wave. I told her that I was eating and forgot to turn them off. After she left and I heard a door close I waited a few minutes before opening the laptop.
Once I was sure nobody was awake I checked on El Carajo to make sure no damage was done (He was fine :D) and finished committing spermicide.
TL;DR I choked my sausage when my niece walked in.
snezima23: I'm laughing more at the names you give your penis than the actual story.
Veinix: Thank you! I take some pride in naming phallus shaped objects
ThatThingUForgot: Just as all men should.
| 4 | 4 | |
1405170244 | 1405190246 | t3_2ai9x3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | nation2: TIFU-I accidentally swore at a cop and almost got arrested.
So its 1:30 in the morning and I am riding my bike on the sidewalk, when a guy angrily yells out of his car to get on the other side of because I'm going against traffic.He is right but most people do it and the roads and sidewalks are dead at this time. Now I'm really tired, I had a long week, I get harassed on my bike all the time by people, yelling they are going to take it and people have stolen my lights on the bike. I usually ignore them, I don't pick fights, I don't lash out ever and I'm known for being quite, but I have been job hunting for months and only recently found one, I have been getting little sleep because of stress, and had a bad week at work and just slipped a FUCK YOU!. Then a car starts speeds at me and the lights come on;its a cop car. I get off my bike and he yells me to put my hands up, asking if I have stolen the bike, what's with the attitude, and that he is going to arrest me. He tells me I'm lucky he is in a good mood and warns me that it is a 300 hundred dollar fine to drive on the wrong side. He drives away and I'm now walking with my bike. I'm pissed and sad not because I'm afraid of getting arrested but because the only time I have ever lashed out I'm almost thrown in jail, it feels like I'm getting punished.It was insanely stupid to do, and he is right about the traffic law and I fucked up and I am actually sorry for yelling for him but it feels like I have the worst luck because the one time I'm not quite it almost gets me arrested.
MennyC123: Is it illegal to swear at cops? Because seriously, some of them just suck ass.
doggiechewtoy: I don't know where you live, but in the US it is not illegal to swear at cops.
IcePhoenix18: However, it's not polite. And if they're already having a bad day, you're now the person who made it even worse.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405173576 | 1405213772 | t3_2aid4s | t5_2to41 | 97 | [deleted]: TIFU by banging coach's ex-wife...
I play for a Junior hockey team out of Virginia, and I've been seeing this hot older blonde around from time to time. She never acted like she knew anybody, but would occasionally watch some of our practices, which I thought was really weird. One night after practice I was walking out to my car, the cougar walks up to me, and flat out offers to have sex with me. It didn't happen that night, but I told the guys in the locker room the next practice. They told me whatever I do, do not bang the "Blonde with big boobs." Being a rookie, I figured they knew something I didn't know, so I heeded their warning, and threw away her number. I didn't think anything of it until a few weeks later, when I met her yet again, in the parking lot after a practice. After a brief conversation in the parking lot about how I haven't been answering her, we did it. right in the parking lot, in the back of my Subaru Outback. I walk into the locker room, and tell the guys about my latest conquest. When I tell them, there is nothing but silence, followed by a bunch of yelling. From what I understand, she was my head coaches ex-wife. They divorced 3 years ago, and she absolutely slaughtered him in court. Got the house, $$$, and even their pet dog. I am terrified somebody is going to tell coach, and i'm going to get kicked off the team….
radseven89: Marry her, divorce her, give coach his stuff back. Problem solved.
[deleted]: Ever had the experience of being a man in divorce court?
radseven89: No, but I still think OP should devote the next few years of his life in a sex filled rampage with this milf to get his coach's dog back...
[deleted]: I don't think you understood what I said.
OP is nothing but a **cock** to this milf, he's not even a wallet, just a young **cock**.
radseven89: And I don't think you understood that I was joking.
[deleted]: Humor is hard to detect through text, friend. =)
| 7 | 13.857143 | |
1405173507 | 1405179887 | t3_2aid1x | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by waking up too early.
As the title says, I fucked up by waking up too early. After a few hours of tossing and turning in the wee hours of this morning due to my legs aching (I have chronic knee pain, usually when I'm trying to sleep.), I finally decided to get my lazy ass out of bed and go into the kitchen to take some medicine and warm up the rice bag.
For reference, the way my house is set up, the bedrooms are in the hallway to the back, and the kitchen is by the front when you walk in. To get to the kitchen from the back hallway where the bedrooms are, you have to go through the living room.
Since it was like 5:30 in the morning, I assumed no one but me would be awake. I was WRONG. My plan was just to go into the kitchen, pop some pills, warm up the rice bag, and then take my happy ass back to sleep. My plan was foiled when, to my surprise and horror, I walked into the living room to find my dad sitting on the couch, hand to the crotch, eyes fixed to the porn displayed on the tv.
There was no turning back. I saw him. He saw me. We made eye contact. I had no choice but to avert my eyes and haul ass to the kitchen, praying that it was all a horrible nightmare. No such luck. He quickly scrambled to fix himself and switch off the tv but it was too late. The damage was done.
He then peered into the doorway of the kitchen and awkwardly asked why I was up so early so I just mumbled about my legs hurting, and obviously sensing the discomfort in the air, he did the walk of shame to the bathroom. Quickly thereafter, I fucking bolted to my room, locked the door, and have been hiding in here since. I dread having to face him later.
TL;DR if your legs are hurting you should suck it the fuck up before your eyes end up hurting worse.
punchingtables: Fuck man...
I don't even have advice for you. A man should never have to catch his dad jerkin' off.
MuffinPuff: What about a daughter? huh? What about the daughters who have to witness their dad fapping on the couch every goddamn day? Less than 10 feet away?
I'm sorry if I sound angry, but "a /man/ should never" just struck a nerve. I'd assume men can deal with this better than women, especially *daughters*, can.
fueunatortura: I'm actually a girl, so I feel your pain. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with masturbating, I just think it's completely moronic for people to do it in open spaces where other people are bound to catch them. It's just so fucking awkward to walk in on it. :/ I don't know how to deal
MuffinPuff: It's like there's this lack of consideration for other people. I know it's their house, and they pay the bills, but good god, have some common decency. In the case of your father, at least he was doing this in the early hours, when everyone would be sleeping normally. My dad does this daily, in the broad fucking daylight afternoon. My mom's one of those weirdos too, with no discretion, but at least she's attempted to get more private about it over the years.
Just the other day, I was sitting on the couch, literally 1ft away from my father, and he's facing me because we're talking. I look up, and his hand is in his pants mid-conversation, like this is just okay. I have to deal with level of fucked up regularly.
I think your dad should get a pass for this one. He wasn't blatantly fapping off in front of you, so cut him some slack.
fueunatortura: Oh no, I completely get what you're saying. I'm not at all mad at him or anything, it's just uncomfortable. You, however, have the right to be mad, I think. What your father does is just a whole other level. He should know better. That's fucked up
MuffinPuff: It really is.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1405194677 | 1405280173 | t3_2aie3k | t5_2to41 | 123 | seabeehusband: Did you not read HE stated HIS balls were dangeling.
Oooch: WOW YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A MAN TO HAVE TESTICLES SHITLORD
statut0ry-ape: [the dictionary says otherwise]( http://www.thefreedictionary.com/_/dict.aspx?rd=1&word=testicle)
Oooch: Using the dictionary as an answer for complicated gender-identity issues, lmao
statut0ry-ape: >complicated gender issues.
Testicles are male, ovaries are female.... It's pretty simple. Anything else going on is psychological. That doesn't change what biology says.
Go back to Tumblr and complain about your imagined inequality some more.
Oooch: TIL transgender issues are imagined
statut0ry-ape: TIL being born with testicles doesn't biologically make you a male.
Thanks TumblrSJW
Oooch: Hey no one here except you is saying BIOLOGICALLY male, you added that in yourself in your last post when you realised you were wrong and that transgender people exist
statut0ry-ape: > WOW YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A MAN TO HAVE TESTICLES SHITLORD
Uh....yes you fucking do. FTM trans dont have real, natural testicles even after gender reassignment....assuming they even go for a full reassignment bottom surgery. They are implants, just because they look like a set of balls, that doesn't make them "testicles". But ok.
inb4 just because they're not natural that doesn't mean they're not real. Look at breast implants, you fucking disgusting male pigs don't have a problem with those
Irrelevant argument is irrelevant, chicks with bolt-ons aren't running around saying they are a different sex than what they were at birth, nor are they running around saying they're real.
>you were wrong and that transgender people exist
The amount of ad hominem and reductio ad absurdum is off the charts. I can't even handle your fucking SJW logic. No shit trans people exist.
I'm actually surprised you haven't started in with "cis" and "privilege" yet, so here, take an upvote for that.
Talking to me like I don't know what the hell is going on. Not everyone out there is against you or is oppressing you or the gay/trans society. But if you want to sit around drawing attention to yourself by screaming about your SJW bullshit all over the internet, expect some harassment ....dipshit.
Oooch: Um the point is that they're MTF, and so they don't see themselves as men but they have testicles, hence you don't have to be a man to have testicles, I mean it was mostly a joke post but there I've explained it for you
statut0ry-ape: sex =/= gender
Viewing yourself as being something you are not, does not change the fact that biologically you are what you are unless you change it. Shit, I don't identify with a lot of parts of humanity, that doesn't mean they don't exist or that its not the way it is.
And you never said anything about MTF....(who is still technically a male until gender reassignment/bottom surgery is complete).
Thanks for playing along, hopefully you learned something about your own cause from someone who really doesn't care.
>mostly as a joke
No, you were being completely serious, and now you got called out about it.
Have a nice day fighting the all the oppressive white, straight males out there. We all know how much they're trying to keep you down.
Oooch: Lmao still bringing up the biological point even though I already said that you were the one bringing up biology and not me so that was a dumb as fuck point
And I didn't say anything about MTF because I didn't think someone was going to come by and purposefully misunderstand me to think I meant FTM people? lol
Good try come again soon
>(who is still technically a male until gender reassignment/bottom surgery is complete).
Wow so transgender people are only the other gender when they've had their sex organs replaced? Wow.
statut0ry-ape: > Wow so transgender people are only the other gender when they've had their sex organs replaced? Wow.
I'm done here....you might be the most ridiculously stupid person I have ever had the misfortune of communicating with.
Oooch: Because I'm telling you logic and science? Lmao
Okay person with a name that is nearly statutory rape.
statut0ry-ape: Bullshit opinions =/= science or logic...but whatever helps you sleep at night.
>Okay person with a name that is nearly statutory rape.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA lemme guess? I'm oppressing you and supporting the sexual abuse of women and minors because of a reddit screen name.
[GTFO SJW](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIKuXnzuYGs)
Oooch: Hahaha, well I guess you already figured you lost when you started calling me names instead of addressing my points so I'm not gonna waste my time on you any further statutory rape
Yeah I'm a horrid SJW because I believe transgender people exist and they are what they say they are without having SRS because you don't need to have SRS to be considered the other and you're simply uneducated if you think you do lmao wrecked
statut0ry-ape: >lost
No, I'm finished wasting valuable time in my life talking to someone who thinks their sensitive opinions negate science and biology.
>Started calling me names...
>statutory rape
MFW...
No, you are a horrible SJW because you feel it is necessary to push your stupid bullshit on people at irrelevant times and refuse to acknowledge facts over your opinion.
Nobody ever said that transgender people don't exist. You are completely blind to any logical discussion if that is your focus point, considering it was imagined by you. Simply because I stated that you are wrong, that doesn't mean that I have no knowledge on the subject of the transgender community. But you're right, just because I don't go around spreading hate on Tumblr, I must be an oblivious, sexist, hate-monger.
>to be considered the other
Biology says otherwise.
See above sex=/=gender
FWIW, your bullshit attitude is only hurting your cause. Running around on the internet screaming about social injustice is only going to make more and more people in society disrespect you and the community you claim to support. Look at the damage that all the raging, pissed off lesbians did to the homosexual community in the 90s. Acting like a douche bag just makes everyone dislike you.
Oooch: > Biology says otherwise.
> See above sex=/=gender
Haha you keep saying this like it has any relevance, I AGAIN didn't mention sex or gender, you're the one bringing that up
Also no one is screaming about social injustice you're just making stuff up
I'm just correcting your ignorance on transgender people :)
Silly people who have antagonistic names on the internet to try and be edgy
| 18 | 6.833333 | |
1405175658 | 1414254995 | t3_2aifbg | t5_2to41 | 788 | saviorlito: TIFU By posting a TIFU from work.
So, recently I posted a TIFU by calling my g/f from my work phone, which can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2a6kvd/tifu_by_calling_my_gf_from_my_work_phone/).
I thought for sure I would be fired. For sure! I was brought into the office on Friday. As I walked slowly towards my boss' door with my head staring straight down, I was almost positive that I would be shit canned right then and there. I had been putting in my resumes on-line since the incident, but really enjoy this job and did not want to lose it.
As I stepped in the office, my boss, who is generally a really nice guy, had a very stern and unforgiving look on his face. I sat down, not sure if he was trying to hold back a laugh or being overly serious. We started off by talking about work, and how things were going. I told him the usual. He then put both hands on the desk, held together tightly, fingers intertwined. He said to me, "Josh, you know what this is about, don't you?" I, of course, acted surprised.
"I'm not sure, honestly" I said. "But I would assume from what happened the other day, that it is about me making personal phone calls while at work?"
He told me to explain what happened, so I did. I explained what happened between me and the trainer. How she overheard me and my gf's inappropriate call.
Now, I had completely forgot, with all that was going on, about my written warning for browsing on-line while at work. Our computer systems are somewhat archaic. The ability to browse the net can be achieved simply by resetting your internet explorer's browser settings.
After I finished telling him what happened, he said to me that it was interesting, but not why he called me into his office. They were firing me, but it had nothing to do with that call. My trainer did not even tell him what happened, and I may have even gotten her in trouble! (FFS) They were firing me because I signed a paper that said the next time I was caught browsing, it would basically be my last. And, well, I fucked up.
TL:DR: I had phone sex with my g/f on my work phone and my trainer heard, and posted a TIFU. The TIFU got me fired and my boss found out about the phone sex without needing to, getting my trainer in trouble. What a fuck up.
Edit#1: I have an interview for another job Monday, which pays a bit more. Albeit not my dream job, but shit happens.
Edit#2: To people who say they don't sympathize, that's fine, lol. For people who are calling me an idiot, that's fine too. I don't mind what people say about me over the internet. It was a mistake I made that I have to live with. I'm not expecting sympathy from anyone. I just figured it belonged here, since I fucked up, royally.
Final Edit: I got the new job!! :D
zjm555: Mate, I hate to say this but... you might be an idiot.
stendhal_project: Why?
Whitemike31683: Did you read the post?
stendhal_project: Yes. But I still don't get why he's stupid.
i_pk_pjers_i: I think you might be an idiot.
He's an idiot for agreeing to not do something anymore otherwise he will be fired, then doing it anyways and getting fired like he agreed he would. He's an idiot for having a phone sex call at work. He's an idiot for not thinking before doing things, kind of like you are for not realizing there's several reasons why he's an idiot.
stendhal_project: Actually, I am sorry.
I've been posting on the wrong post the whole time.
I am, indeed, an idiot.
[deleted]: Holy shit I lol'd reading this.
| 8 | 98.5 | |
1405192294 | 1405217149 | t3_2aiife | t5_2to41 | 27 | A_Literal_Dog: 1) That's just two different types of dwarfism, and "midget" is perjorative regardless.
2) How would you know what type of dwarfism she has?
3) Yeah, OP still acted like an asshole here. At least we can agree on that.
killcast: I was also confused as to what in my story indicated she was a midget or dwarf. Either way she doesn't want to get my shitty texts.
I do, however, appreciate the unifying power of me being an asshole.
A_Literal_Dog: The important thing is that you're a self-aware asshole.
ww2colorizations: why is he an A-hole when he clearly made a mistake? Like I said in my other post, what were the chances of there actually being a midget!?
killcast: Thanks for coming to my defense, but I've got to accept the consequences of making jokes I wouldn't necessarily want everyone else to hear. I'm still a fan of an inappropriate joke, but if someone overhears me and their feelings get hurt... well, I look like an asshole. Nothing more to be done but own up to it and think twice before making dumb jokes. Also, tell everyone on the internet.
ww2colorizations: haha I hear ya man. I agree w/ not hurting other people etc, but this was a joke that went wrong. Kinda like saying a yo momma joke when you didn't know the persons mom died. You didn't mean to. Just sayin, youre not an Ahole, coulda happened to any of us who joke with our friends. Good on you for owning it and sharing tho!
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1405176924 | 1405342829 | t3_2aigr2 | t5_2to41 | 12 | BindweedHawkmoth: TIFU on a Psych Ward, Twice.
Short backstory: I'm no stranger to the UK's mental health system, having been a patient for eight years, and I've always been very open and honest about it. There is no mental health joke too offensive for me, and I sometimes forget that isn't so for others (I try and tone it down a bit in polite company though). At the time of the story, I was a teenager. I'm also female (relevant later).
A couple of years ago, I went to stay with my best bud for a couple of weeks, over a hundred miles away. I have massive anxiety problems, and had to stick with her wherever she went. One morning while I was there, she received the unfortunate news that her friend had attempted suicide and was being held on a psych ward. She asked if I would be cool going to visit the friend. Sure thing, I've been in wards before and I had my best bud with me. We changed from PJ's to whatever we could find in seconds, chowed down on some toast quick, then dashed to grab the bus, all the time contacting other friends of said ill person. We dashed around the city, collecting a sizeable group of friends, and made our way to the hospital.
Our group signed in and promptly trundled over to said friend-in-need's ward. We met and greeted, got along great. Her arms were bandaged up, so I wasn't left wondering or asking any awkward questions.
We'd been there quite a while and myself and another member of the group needed to go on a hunt for a bathroom. The ward only had patient and staff toilets, and the visitor ones were on another floor, so we hopped into the lift. The lift stopped at the next floor, and a tall, lanky gentleman, who I assume was a patient (wait for it), entered the lift. He stood in front of the buttons, blocking them, and looked me and my friend up and down for a minute or so. He then bellowed **"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, THIS IS A HOSPITAL NOT A FUCKING SCHOOL PLAYGROUND"** - at which point I lost it and went into panic mode. I was trembling and crying, and dashed out of the door, looking desperately for a bathroom.
Found a bathroom, took off my hoodie, did my biz whilst doing breathing exercises. Splashed some water on my face and took a moment to tell myself it's ok - I'm never gonna see this guy again, it's all fine, no harm done. Exit the bathroom, turns out it had been a patients' mens room, a nurse saw me and gave me a right bollocking for that, so I had to dash back in and calm myself down again.
Anyway, some time later, I finally exited the bathroom and found my way back to my group of friends. Got some odd looks from staff on the way. Everyone's faces dropped when I came into the patient lounge, sweaty and crying, hoodie tied round my waist. A couple of friends gave a kind of awkward cough, trying to bring my attention to something. Because of course I had dressed in a rush that morning, and didn't even notice that I was wearing a shirt that said, in bold white letters "You're just jealous because the little voices are talking to me."
Defeated, embarassed and ready to die on the spot, I stuffed my sweaty self back into the hoodie, avoided eye contact with everyone, just left. I can look back on it now and laugh, but at the time I thought my heart was going to stop at several points on that day.
BONUS ROUND: Remember how I said I was familiar with psych hospitals? A few months later, I had group therapy on the day of my mum's birthday. I went round town, grabbing some presents for her, including a massive box of chocolates from Thronton's (complete with huge branded plastic bag) and went straight from town to group.
Although it was a group for mixed psych problems, it was held on the far end of the eating disorders unit. I don't think anyone appreciated me walking through the ED unit with the grandest box of chocolates my town has ever seen.
pinkloki77: I'm confused, if you and your friend was just using the elevator, why did the lanky fellow yell at you?
BindweedHawkmoth: He was a patient at the hospital, and was mentally ill. I can never know exactly why he was so shouty, perhaps some form of delusion where he thought we were there for some other reason.
pinkloki77: Ah, that explains it. Thanks for the reply, OP.
BindweedHawkmoth: Any time. OP delivers, when she can :)
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1405179275 | 1405234917 | t3_2aijr4 | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending angry messages to my girlfriend's phone
So last night, my girlfriend and I got into a pretty heated argument over the phone. She ended up hanging up on me and ignoring all my calls. So in the moment I was pretty mad at her and I decided well if I can't talk to her about over the phone, I will just snapchat it to her. So I used snapchats little chat feature to send her a message describing what she did wrong with a few cuss words thrown in. I thought, "she'll read that and then call me back to discuss how wrong I was or something." Well she never did open any of the four messages I sent last night or return any of my phone calls. So at one in the morning I called it quits to trying to contact her.
Come this morning. No message from her still. The snapchat messages still had not been opened. So I try to call her. Her dad answers and tells me he's taking her phone to the Verizon store to fix the broken screen on her phone. So he tells me to call the home phone (I tried calling this last night too but no answer either). I quickly dial their home phone. My girlfriend answers. I ask her if she opened my messages, thinking snapchat glitched or something. "No" she responds. "Crap crap crap...." running through my head. I go back to the snapchat app and refresh. "Opened 4 minutes ago"
Her dad just read the rage filled book I wrote to her. I told my girlfriend what happened. She's going to call her dad and see what happened. I'll update
RyanSH12: Why the hell would he be opening her messages, let alone ones from you her boyfriend, what if they were sexual? there is the chance of that and would he really want to take the risk of knowing what his little girl is upto with you?
And even if its a fight, its between you and her, not her dad/mom/family, should be kept private.
Stormtrooper1510: Father are protective? If I had a daughter I would defiantly want to know if she was doing the nasty so I could kick her bf's ass.
Edit: (If she still lived under my roof)
Delror: Kick her boyfriend's ass for having sex? Fucking seriously? What year is it?
Stormtrooper1510: What did being a good father year end in the 60s. (I meant in the context of if she still lived under my roof I should correct that.)
Delror: I don't care if she lives under your roof. It's just sex. Who gives a shit?
| 6 | 5 | |
1405175573 | 1405189591 | t3_2aif86 | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking a doobie and cheating on my GF with an orange
Today we went to a folk festival at a park downtown. We were sitting about mid-field in the hot sun and I got up to take a whiz. At the port-a-potties I ran into a buddy and he said, "Wanna smoke a spliff?"
We wandered out behind the stinkeroos and breathed back a big fat doobie, and it was sublime. He had this goofy smile on his face and I guess I did too. Then I took my whiz and wandered back to my girlfriend who looked at me askance. "What took you so long?"
"I ran into Roger," I said without thinking, forgetting that she didn't like him because she was a Christian and he was a stoner.
"Roger?!" She stared hard at me and I looked away. I didn't want her surmising anything from the dazed look in my eyes and my expression of paranoid contentment. The weed had really started to kick in.
She sighed deeply. "Would you mind peeling this for me?" she asked and she handed me the most beautiful navel orange I had ever seen.
It was round and plump and fairly bursting with ripeness, and when I stuck my thumb to break the peel droplets of spray splashed onto my hot face and its rich tangy essence seemed to flow through every fibre of my being, as if in some mystical, prescient way the orange and I were one.
Each tear of its skin elicited the same orgasmic response and by the time the orange itself lay naked in my trembling hands I knew there was no turning back. I tenderly drew back her folds, separating her cleaved members into their individual parts and gingerly popping them into my mouth.
I can barely describe the waves of that cascaded over me, each mouthful an explosion of sweet nectar and liquid joy. It was pure rapture and when it was over I lay back, eyes closed and let the euphoria wash over me.
"Was it good?" a voice said.
I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend staring down at me. I had forgotten she was there, but happy to see her nonetheless.
"It was un-friggin-believable," I exclaimed. "Un-friggin-believable." And I gave her a loopy smile.
She continued to stare at me and a sardonic smile played at her lips. I smiled back, but an errant thought began gnawing at the edges of my bliss. Something was wrong. What the fuck was it? C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
And then it hit me.
I gave her a sheepish look. "I'll be right back," I said.
Do you think they sell fresh plump oranges at a folk festival? You'd think they would but they don't. You can get dried out scrawny ones at two bucks apiece, but nothing remotely resembling the gorgeous specimen of an orange that she had entrusted to me. To peel.
I think I am truly fucked.
Drainbownick: Your girl sounds like a downer and nice Christian girls don't put out
WPBDoc: And you sound like a loser.
Drainbownick: Good comeback
| 4 | 0 | |
1405180432 | 1405181641 | t3_2ailbn | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing three whole marijuanas
Last night I had a pot cookie from my local dispensary. I've had these things a few times before, so I knew more or less what I was getting into. They take forever to kick in, at least an hour sometimes more, but they're super strong once they do.
I walked home and figured I'd smoke a bit while I was waiting for the cookie to kick in. I took a couple hits and got to a solid [5], now about 20 minutes after ingesting the edible. I lay in bed feeling awesome, and when the cookie hit I really started going up, and got a whole bunch of crazy open eye visuals, fractals and colors and tiny dancing patterns. Easily a [10].
About 90 minutes in is where things went bad. I couldn't stop burping. I'd feel pressure in my stomach, sit up, burp, and then get a head rush that forced me to lay down again.
At some point I realized I was no longer breathing reflexively. I'd have to force myself to breathe, but then I'd keep losing focus and stop. After a few seconds I'd have a mini panic attack from the lack of oxygen and I'd jolt up. This repeated what must have been every 30-60 seconds.
Eventually I made the decision to call 911. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew I wasn't going to be the very first person to die of a THC overdose. But the anxiety I was feeling was very real and intense, and I knew I was in a bad situation. The only problem was, I couldn't find my phone (right next to me), or even raise myself out of bed. I discovered that I was naked and made the decision to put some pants on, which I actually managed to do. But I couldn't call for help.
And then I puked.
Right in the middle of the bed, I was now laying in a puddle of vomit. Literally, it was sloshing around my shoulders, a couple inches deep.
The worst part was that mentally I realized exactly what had just happened, I knew my mattress was ruined, but physically I couldn't move. I just lay there until I fell asleep in my now cold vomit.
I'm feeling fine now, still about a [2-3]. All my sheets and stuff are in the wash, the mattress is sitting outside until I figure out how to get rid of it. It was a cheap foam one with not a lot of life left, so not a huge loss, but still.
Zachdwyerrr: Please don't title this "doing three whole marijuanas" you sounds ridiculous
PortlandStoner12: More like sounds hilarious
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405181307 | 1405258802 | t3_2aif2d | t5_2to41 | 24 | Future_Sequence: Oh look, it's you again. Let me just take the time to do this.
> Rule 1: All titles must start with "TIFU". However, **your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today.**
jamesandlily_forever: What did it say?
Future_Sequence: > Today. I fucked up. Today.
It was a troll who just posted that on every TIFU that wasn't from the day posted.
jamesandlily_forever: Why?
winowmak3r: Because he's very much alone.
jamesandlily_forever: I hate trolls :(
| 6 | 4 | |
1405184948 | 1405191030 | t3_2airh7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | a_throwaway_a_day_: TIFU by deciding to sleep in the basement for a change
Yeah, yeah, this wasn't today, but rather a few weeks ago. Now that that's out of the way, here goes:
It was really hot in my area this year during the first few weeks of summer. Hot on the main floor, and super hot on the second floor, where all of the bedrooms are, including mine. Probably had to do with how warm air rises or something. One day, however, I stepped down into our basement to grab some things and the first thing I noticed was, "Wow, it's really cool down here." Now, I had heard of other people sleeping in the basement, on a couch or whatnot, but since ours wasn't finished (read: no drywall installed, exposed piping everywhere, thin rugs on the bare concrete floor) I had always been hesitant to try it. But in the heat of the moment (cringe) I decided to move my bedding down to a futon in the corner and sleep there. And it really did feel a lot better, so I stayed down there a few nights.
Background Info: Ever since I was young, i've had this stuffed animal that I would hold while I would sleep. As I got older, I grew more and more embarrassed about it. Then I found out what masturbation was, and from then on, the stuffed animal would help me whenever I had a hard time falling asleep. As in, i'd use it like a sex doll and hump it until I came. I have to wash it every month or so, hand-wash first before it goes into the washing machine solo. Otherwise it gets crusty and gross. Yeah, messed up, I know.
So this stuffed animal (it's a frog) is just lying on the futon for about two days, out in the open. Then one day, one of my friends decides to come over and hang out. He's also brought his little sister, who's friends with my little sister. We don't really have much to do, so after farting around the main level and chatting for a bit, we head downstairs to the basement. I had completely forgotten about my makeshift bed, but when my friend saw it, he just asked, "Is that where you're sleeping?" I just said, "Yeah, it's really cool down here, better than upstairs."
A few minutes later, my sister and I are casually playing ping pong with my friend, and my friend's sister is just farting around the basement looking at vacuums, board games, old computer parts because she doesn't like ping pong. I'm not paying much attention because i'm talking with my friend, chatting and catching up. All of a sudden, my sister (who knows about the frog) gives me this horrified look and basically hisses in my ear, "OP, what the actual fuck!?" At the same time, I hear my friend's sister's voice ring out from behind my friend, "Oh my gosh, this frog is sooooooo cute!"
She's sitting on the ground next to the futon hugging my frog. Or should I say, my plush, microfiber, machine-washable cum bucket. Fuck. For a moment, i'm just petrified. Even my friend has turned around to stare at her. I stammer, "H- Hey, that's actually really dirty. You shouldn't touch it." "Really? What do you mean?" My body finally decides to be able to move again and I shuffle over and gently tear the frog pillow out of her grasp. "Like... there are lots of bugs running around the basement. You never know what could be on these sheets. I'm thinking about moving this stuff back upstairs, you know?" And I toss the frog back on the futon. "Hey, wanna play ping pong?" "Nah, i'm okay." And she continues farting around the basement, oblivious to what had just happened. I walk back to my side of the ping pong table, and my sister is just glaring at me. Fuck.
And I have to see my friend and his sister pretty often; I drive them to and from church every Friday night and Sunday morning.
TL;DR: I left a stuffed animal frog (which has been my cum bucket for a few years) out in the open and my friend's sister ends up grabbing it and hugging it.
iamiambob: if this is true OP you need to invest in tissues.
a_throwaway_a_day_: 'tis true as true can be, my friend.
Tissues as in to rub one out with lotion and then clean up? Yeah, I do that sometimes but then cleaning up the sad mixture of Jergens and cum is such a downer afterwards. Plus then I would have to buy tissues and lotion.
Or tissues to wipe the mess up afterwards? I used to do that too, but there's no way you're getting all of it off of the frog-pillow. The outside is like a really, really plush microfiber towel. Sucks it all right up. So I gave up.
Basically i'm a pathetically lazy guy and this is what happens as a result.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405175106 | 1405188378 | t3_2aieoi | t5_2to41 | 3 | BendingRobot: TIFU by getting upset at my kids and slamming the patio door.
Stayed up too late playing video games last night. Not my kids fault. Of course they get up early today after having to wake them up all week to go to childcare. Having a peaceful morning, watching a movie, monkey bread, I dosed off in the Lazy-Boy, wake up to screaming and my 2 year old spraying the garden hose into the house. Storm over there in a huff, yell and [slam my thumb in the patio door.](http://imgur.com/a/hm3sh) It's karma.
Edit: My wife made me go to ER, 3 stitches, cut was much deeper than it looked. updated imgur album.
johnnywacko: What in the fuck is monkey bread.
Dinosoarman: Its fvking delicious. I dont even know how to make it
| 3 | 1 | |
1405185328 | 1405324733 | t3_2ais0q | t5_2to41 | 402 | mushroomfather: TIFU by laughing
I've had diarrhea for the last six days. I haven't been able to trust a fart the whole time. Whenever I feel the pressure in my stomach, and that little poke at my hole, I have to run to the bathroom. I have pee-butt. You know, where you poop, but it's actually just fluid flowing out.
So I'm sitting on my computer, just browsing around. I was reading something, I forget, and I felt that poke. I was hoping it was just a fart, so I test it. I let it try and slide out, but I could feel something poking. "Code Brown!" I said, hopped out of my chair and shuffle to the bathroom, sphincter clenched. Queue my husband:
"Go, mushroomfather, go!"
And of course I laugh. That laugh, that small giggle, brought structural integrity low enough to unleash the foulest smelling flow yet. "Fuck you! You made me shit my pants!" I muffled out as I continued my clenched, limping shuffle to the bathroom. I dropped my drawers, and it was everywhere. Panties, pants, it had even dripped down my legs into my socks. Sitting on the toilet left a thigh-shaped print of shit. The smell was atrocious. I jumped in the shower and scrubbed myself. Got poop flecks in my loofah. And of course my husband is outside the door laughing his ass off.
TheCanadianteabag: Oh I feel for you. I did the same thing on a stage for a Christmas concert way back in grade 5. Never have I wanted to vanish from humanity that badly.
vough: >on a stage
Nope, nope, nope. The thought hurts my brain too much.
TheCanadianteabag: Dare I mention in a middle school population with over a thousand parents, children and friends in the audience.
PuddingAuxRais1ns: Holy shit. The thought of it makes me cringe. May you tell the story?
TheCanadianteabag: Yeah I can, it was as I said many years back now in grade 5 I think. I don't know how old that age group is. Maybe 11 or 10? Anyways I had been feeling Ill but was super excited because Christmas was coming eh. Their were class parties and much junk food. Now you have to also understand, I was the Pillsbury dough boy of my class. So being your atypical fat kid, I ate all dem gingerbread houses. This was around mid day if I recall correctly. Later that night, we were to sing and preform a Christmas carol with recorders for the parents and do a class skit eh. By then, I wasn't feeling super well, but chalked it up to tummy butterflies because I was part of a main role in the play. So we get through the song, the recorders, and we start the broomball performance (a stomp the yard type thing [beats made out of everyday things like card shuffling or taking a bite out of an apple to a beat]). I get in the front and am tapping sticks with my partner. We squat down and thats when shit hits the fan. I stand back up and fart, and like the parting of the red seas my ass exploded. All down my white pants and even up the back of my white shirt. I stop, shock on my face. Audience is dead silent. And of course, the kindergartens in the front row yell 'ewwwww he poopood!!!'. The audience exploders laughing and I ran to the bathroom and cried my little 10 year old eyes out. I moved schools shortly after.
PuddingAuxRais1ns: Damn. Well at-least it's all behind you now.
TheCanadianteabag: I see what you did their.... But yeah. Still one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. But your right, despite the pun, its over!
PuddingAuxRais1ns: Just noticed what i did there. That pun was seriously unintended.
| 9 | 44.666667 | |
1405185553 | 1405272786 | t3_2aisc9 | t5_2to41 | 20 | bournestunna: TIFU by driving my dads car carelessly
Context: I'm a 16 year old who just got his license after a lot of strife of parents not trusting me to drive, not thinking i was ready etc. I don't have a car of my own but my dad has a 2013 nissan altima.
So today my dad finally gives me a chance to prove myself and asks me to drive to the gas station and get gas for his car. I drive over no problem, get gas, and instantly i feel relief. In the clear. Turning out of the parking lot i ask, can i make this turn? Of course i can make this turn. But i couldnt. My dads car now has the front corner of it scratched all to shit, paints ruined, and now im sitting here contemplating what the fuck ive done. Not only is this gonna cost me a ton to fix, but now it will be a long while before they trust me again (rightfully so).
I know this probably isnt the most hilarious TIFU but i just needed to clear my mind.
the_ale_ones: Don't sweat it too much pal. Doesn't even sound like you were "driving carelessly," more like overthinking things because of the pressure you felt.
Let me tell you, I was driving back from passing my driving practical with my dad. Feeling smug as all get up. And within a few blocks of the DMV, I drove straight on from a right turn lane and nearly hit a parked car.
My dad laughed and me and said, "Good reflexes."
bournestunna: Haha thanks. after thinking it through its not as big a deal as i was treating it. And my dad has been really great about it so thats good.
the_ale_ones: Honestly, he's probably thinking: "First accident = scratched bumper, phew, dodged a bullet there."
| 4 | 5 | |
1405187468 | 1405229851 | t3_2aiuw1 | t5_2to41 | 65 | NiggasOnIce: TIFU by having an erection while answering the door
So this happened last night but I was sitting on my couch wearing just shorts watching some tv. Well all of a sudden I get this itch on my balls and when I went to scratch it, it apparently aroused me.
So now I'm sitting on my couch pitching a tent, when I hear the doorbell ring. As I get up, I see that I have the pyramid of Giza sticking out of my shorts so I did what every guy does and waistband my erection.
As I open my door, I see its my mom's friend and I immediately see her looking down at my exposed penis tip. I quickly ran upstairs and I still haven't gone downstairs.
TL;DR Waistbanded penis while only wearing shorts, mom's friend saw tip
ww2colorizations: haha waistbanded it. Every dude does that shit
EchoNation: Would you believe me if I said this dude has never done that?
ww2colorizations: really? You've never been in an awkward position and had to waistband it before?
AppleSponge: I have never done that. I just pull my shirt over it.
| 5 | 13 | |
1405186758 | 1405202365 | t3_2aitwi | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by butt dialing my mom drunk
For some context, This happened when I was in high school, and I had just had my first drinking experience.
It was over at a girls house, and immediately upper class men began showing up. I was pretty intimidated, because these were like popular upperclassmen, guys people knew about. Well, they started drinking pretty heavily right away, and before long everyone else was, too. When I finally had to leave, I stupidly texted my mom saying I would be home soon, and I somehow must have butt dialed her as I put the phone away. I ended up leaving her a 3 minute voicemail made up of me talking about how drunk I (thought) I was. When I finally realized what I had done, i panicked and ended the call, effectively sealing my fate. I was a mess for the rest of the way home, and came home to about two hours of yelling from my mom. That was a rough night I'll remember for a while to come.
Onthegokindadude: I'm curious why your mom even yelled. It was gonna happen some time, why yell about it? That's kind of irrational I think.
TheRealMcCoy95: Thats what I said when my dad got angry at me the first time i went out drinking. He also said the same thing when he found out i smoke weed. Now i smoke joints and drink beers with him every night
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1405189042 | 1405203189 | t3_2aix5c | t5_2to41 | 9 | roxys4effy: TIFU by depositing money
Ok reddit. I fucked up really bad. I pay my mom 150 a month for rent and my cell phone. This month I took it upon myself to just deposit it into her account for her because she really needed it and I was already out. So I pull my money out. Go to her credit union and deposit it.
Now. I did not have her account info but you can deposit by just using her name. So I gave them my ID to verify that I was her daughter and I lived with her and made the transaction. They gave me a receipt and I left. I got home and put the receipt on her headboard of her bed.
The money was never in her account. Im not sure what happened but the money isnt there, nor was it ever. And. I cant find the reciept that I KNOW I put there. I should have just given her the cash.
Tl;dr I should have given my mom cash.
nitrocrime: Can't you check your latest transactions online? There you should be able to see what happened to the money and where it went.
roxys4effy: That's the problem. There's no transaction. It never hit my moms account. Amd we've already called customer service and they said they'd contact us Monday.
nitrocrime: Oh you deposited the cash at the bank, I thought you went to the bank and had them transfer the money from your account to your mom's account...
roxys4effy: I should have just gave her the damn cash...
nitrocrime: Or got a receipt..
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1405188640 | 1405192517 | t3_2aiwkk | t5_2to41 | 27 | curlyelmo: TIFU by licking an outlet
So I wish I could say that I have a reasonable explanation to this story. One in which I am not a complete imbecile. Alas, I cannot.
I was busy making a smoothie, and the lid to my blender is cracked. Sometimes it leaks and will splatter, but I usually clean it up with a rag. Today however, my smoothie turned out phenomenal, and I stared using my finger to wipe up the excess that had sprayed around the kitchen. At some point during this, I started lapping it like an animal, and this is where I went full idiot. Running my tongue along the power strip, I didn't realize right away what happened. I shot back and fell flat on my ass, stunned. As my brain finally began functioning again, I realized exactly what I had just done, and the gravity of my stupidity. My tongue is swollen and sore, and all I can do is lay on my bed with an ice cube on my tongue and think, "What the fuck brain..."
TheCanadianteabag: Your gonna be feeling like shit for the next two weeks or so. Hope your not overly busy.
curlyelmo: Eating is currently what stucks. I half choke just because of my tongue.
TheCanadianteabag: Suck on ice cubes, I've only seen one patient with a similar situation. Not a whole lot you can do other than avoid licking electrical sources.
curlyelmo: I'm grinding ice and putting it in my mouth. It seems to be doing the trick so far
TheCanadianteabag: Good, you got off lucky considering the average amount of electricity running through a house. I wish you all the best!
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1405188388 | 1405217746 | t3_2aiw6p | t5_2to41 | 402 | Cinemaestro: TIFU By relaxing and watching Louis CK...
So my landlord and a city inspector were set to check out the apartments in my building to make sure they were up to standards. It was the early morning and I didn't know what time they were going to come by my unit. So I roll out of bed and lounge around in my boxers watching the first few episodes of Louie. In one of the episodes Louie get a colonoscopy from Rick Gervais. I hear a knock on the door and realized my landlord and the inspectors are here. As I look around for some pants, I hear them already unlocking the door. I grab some nearby shorts and right as they walk into my studio they see me, frantically pulling up my shorts with a paused screen of a naked Louis CK being probed by Rick Gervais.
HaikuHighDude: They come in so FAST! I had a landlord NOT knock at all, unlock the door and enter with a couple to show them my place (I was moving out 2 months later). Apparently there was a miscommunication about when this was happening...and whether knocking was mandatory.
Anyway, I was sitting on my couch with the following on the coffee table in front of me: laptop, lotion, bag of weed, one-hitter (still streaming smoke slowly into air). All three of them just stood there wide-eyed.
iambuildthings: Why would anyone, landlord or not, just walk in like that? I don't understand people.
HaikuHighDude: As I heard the key turning, I hear the girl of the couple go "shouldn't we be knocking." Landlord: "Oh he's fine with it, he knows we're coming". I think the couple was more embarrassed than I was. Then there was the awkward 15 minutes of them walking around my apartment
Icharus: Haha oh shit they didnt leave?? Did you put your stuff away or just own your mess?
HaikuHighDude: Pocketed the one hitter, but my dog was still a really wild pup. I was basically having to chase him in circles around the three of them. All the while, I practically have blood dripping from my eyes, a cloud of bud smoke following me, and my open belt buckle flopping back and forth.
| 6 | 67 | |
1405191121 | 1405207178 | t3_2aj05y | t5_2to41 | 18 | NoFlyingSolo: TIFU by stealing shit from a party
Finals were through and through, all came out OK; and this gal (I find her interesting) invited me to a party at her place.
My friends were going, all was going to be sweet... Apparently.
Turns out people brought a lot of drinks, there was quite the number of fellas... And none were actually interested in partying. As in, they partied for half an hour, and then they went ahead and sat down all night long.
I got annoyed at such display of behavior, but I tried to have fun with some other (more inebriated) mates. It didn't last, as it sucks balls to try to have fun when everyone else is not interested in dancing or drinking (which was why we were all there in the first place).
That was when Jerkass Me, in all its drunken glory, got fed up. I was more than annoyed, but my ride showed up.
But I was going to come on top. Or so I thought.
So I went ahead, and thinking no one was even looking, I just took my bottle of whiskey and someone else bottle of rum and went for the door.
Turns out the house owner did know/find out, and waited till today to tell me all about how a jerkass I was. Now I'm sure not only she will bar me from any future parties she might host in the future, but she will have such an impression of me lasting in her mind forever. Oh, and the rest of the fellas there now know I steal random shit when drunk/annoyed. Yay.
I apologized after being called out, and I told her I was going to her place to return the rum personally on Monday. Still, TIFU.
So remember kids, don't steal drinks or any shit whatsoever from anyone's house, no matter how much the party might have sucked.
Phillyfan10: If I were you, I would tell her that you're commandeering that rum for a real party in the future.
NoFlyingSolo: About that, she wants me to turn in the rum and my whiskey. Out of respect for the host.
I seriously find myself at a loss on whether to agree begrudgingly or to come up with a new way to say "Hell no". I bought that shit...
[deleted]: So, just to clarify, you took 1 bottle of whiskey that YOU bought and took to the party, and took 1 bottle of rum that someone else bought, right?
Assuming that is correct, return the rum that you shouldn't have taken in the first place, but keep your whiskey. Fuck that shit. You probably don't need them in your life anyways if they are so lame. So just do the right thing, return the rum, learn your lesson and never steal again, keep your whiskey and move on and find friends that you actually appreciate enough not to steal from and who appreciate you enough no to ask you to offer your whiskey as a fucking token of forgiveness.
Hit-The-Deck: yeah that's exactly what I would do...they host a shit party AND expect you to reward them with YOUR drinks...the fact they are asking is pretty low to be honest
[deleted]: Shit when I throw parties, since I am the HOST( and a good one at that) I provide all the alcohol. Never do I make it BYOB.
| 6 | 3 | |
1405188808 | 1405204210 | t3_2aiwt4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Jstencl: TIFU by being mean to a store worker
Just to mention, I am a Czech guy, so my English may not be so good, sorry for potential misspeling. We also use different quotation marks, but I guess it won't be such an issue.
I am on vacation in Denmark, there's some background.
I went to local Bilka store (something like Tesco) today to buy some groceries and clothes. I saw a very nice hoodie, but the only size I was able to find was M and bigger, while my size is S. I saw a store worker (not exactly sure how to call these, you know, they help people with choosing their clothes and supervise the store). She was a cute blonde girl. Now it's time for our conversation.
Me: „Hey there, don't you have this hoodie in S?”
The Girl: „Hmm, I'll take a look”
After a while, she announces to me „No, I'm sorry, it looks like we don't”
I was about to leave, but suddenly she looks at me and asks „Excuse me, where are you from?”
It was obvious that I'm not from here, since I was talking to her in English, I didn't find anything weird about the question, so I just said „Czech Republic.”
She looks at me in disbelief and says „Where is that? I've never heard about Czech Republic.”
I was thinking to myself "wtf? How can anybody not know anything about Czech Republic, when we're divided by one country?"
It pissed me off a little bit so I just said „That's probably why you work here.”
After realising what I said, instead of apologizing, which I found a bit awkward at the time, I walked away. She looked at me really really angrily.
BTW I eventually bought the hoodie in M size.
TL;DR: The same as the title, obviously.
K3NN3Y: OP is a douchebag. Fuck you OP.
Jstencl: Butthurt salesman?
K3NN3Y: Nah, but I work in fast food. I can understand dealing with shitty customers :D
Jstencl: How exactly do you deal with shitty customers?
K3NN3Y: Grit my teeth and then bitch later to my fellow employees.
Jstencl: I can easily imagine the salesgirl bitching later to her fellow employees, or maybe instantly, as my knowledge of Danish is zero.
K3NN3Y: Same here.
| 8 | 0.75 | |
1405191711 | 1405203408 | t3_2aj11o | t5_2to41 | 28 | LSXS10: TIFU by eating an entire bag of "lava hot" beef jerky
It was actually last night, but I didn't know it would effect me this bad.
Anyway, last night I worked at a local race track handing out college information. I stopped at a local store to grab a drink and some snacks. I saw a bag of lava hot beef jerky, since I like spicy food I grabbed it. Well, I get to the track and I begin munching on the this lava beef jerky. It was somewhat spicy, nothing bad. I end up eating the entire bag in about an hour. I finish my duties at the speedway and head home. Fast forward to around 830 this morning and I'm awoken by this burning sensation in my gut. So I head to the bathroom to relieve myself and relieve myself I did. It was as if I was shitting pure lava. The burning sensation that came from my sphincter was terrible. I sat on the toilet for a good 30mins. Just spewing hot molten lava beef jerky from my ass. After finishing, I was able to go about my business...for about 15min before spewing more lava. This happened about 3 more times before I had finally shit all of the hot lava beef jerky from my ass.
TL;DR: ate a bag of lava hot beef jerky last night. Spewed hot lava jerky from my ass 5 times before 10am.
eggsaladactyl: I know your suffering brother. Doesnt help that I have IBS and excess amounts of anything...especially something spicy...makes me regret the rest of the day. I love the new Sriracha jerky by Jack Links. Not terribly spicy but it doesnt take much for me to shit lava either. Doesnt help that jerky to me is probably the best thing ever invented so I finish bags of jerky in one sitting. I love spicy jerky so much...but it is something I should not love.
Side note from spicy jerky, if you ever see Bass Pro Shops Maple Syrup Bacon Jerky...BUY IT! By far the best jerky Ive ever had.
LSXS10: I could probably live off beef jerky. A few months ago, I made my own. It was amazing. Thai chili and teriyaki mix. But, I've had the maple jerky before and it is amazing
eggsaladactyl: I as well make my own jerky. Havent found anything that really stands out at this moment. I suppose the best I made was with a simple ginger vinagrette that i made and marinated the meat in over night. At the moment though...that bass pros maple jerky is beyond good. If i could make it myself then id be in a lot of trouble
LSXS10: Find some thai chili's and add to it. Makes a nice bite
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1405192211 | 1405251147 | t3_2aj1pk | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying condoms
For reference, I am a male. Yesterday I walked into CVS in the late afternoon just to get a couple things. It wasn't too busy, but the was a small line of 5 people or so. Being that it was my dads birthday, I wanted to pick up a happy birthday card. I quickly picked the most generic looking one and opened it. A small pop-up car protruded from the surface, and impressed with my nifty find I then moved on to purchase a small box of condoms like every other time I make a convenience store run.
I walk up to the cashier I hear a couple sniggers. I figured it was the condoms since I'm only 17, but nonetheless I proceeded to pay and exit. When I opened the bag in my car I realized I had laid out a card that stated:
"Happy Birthday Dad!! Boy do I have a surprise for YOU..."
I also realized that when I was checking out, I had laid the condoms next to said card. Hahaha.
TL;DR: don't bother it's not that funny
Edit: Words
[deleted]: I swear I see this one at least once a month, I've heard it in joke form and seen it on Tumblr, twitter and Fb xD
trackxcwhale: Maybe? I don't use any of those things and I didn't copypasta it ... probably just coincidence
Edit: seeing that you guys don't believe me... please link one or something? I swear on jambalaya that this happened yesterday... I've never seen this shit anywhere else
johnnywacko: This could be settled with a pic of card.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1405191237 | 1405271017 | t3_2aj0bt | t5_2to41 | 1,722 | page47: TIFU by thinking I blew my ass off [NSFW]
Happened a few years back but thought it was worth a share.
I had gone to the day spa to get my first Brazilian wax, a little nervous since I had a relatively low pain threshold but I had taken an ibuprofen an hour beforehand to lessen the potential shock. Once I arrived, I was ushered into one of the empty rooms and instructed to take my pants off and wait for the specialist. So, I'm sitting there looking around and listening to the Enya-esque music in order to calm myself when all of a sudden a bunch of "what-ifs" go through my head. Really, really stupid stuff but I'm an anxious person and I couldn't help myself: What if she rips the labia off? What if I fart in her face and it smells - or worse, what if she feels the blast on her cheeks? Did I wipe? What if she's someone I know? What if I accidentally squash her head between my thighs in a knee-jerk reaction?
After a few minutes she comes in. She could tell I was a little antsy but she was very nice and assuring, answering my dumb questions and cracking jokes, which helped. Not knowing what to expect I spread my legs so she could put the first layer of hot wax on my inner leg. The first few strips were surprisingly not too bad but I had noticed I was profusely sweating to the point where my tank top was drenched. My legs were also involuntarily shaking from a combination of having them in the air for so long and my nerves: I looked like I was doing my very best Fred Astaire impression by tap dancing towards the ceiling. This was making it harder for the wax to come off with the paper so clumps of wax were left sticking to my body hair and the only way to get it off was to peel it off in smaller bits with her fingernails.
Then the time came where she asked me to flip over, get on my knees and spread my butt cheeks - this was an all-or-nothing job, after all. Still sweating like a prostitute in church, I feel her powdering my butthole before applying the wax. After a bit she says, "All done! That wasn't so rough now was it?" It wasn't and I was very happy with the result! She gave me some after care instructions for when I get home, like don't exfoliate until tomorrow, no sex for a day, wear loose clothing etc... Gave her a big tip, put my pants back on and drove home.
I had had to pee for an hour so I beelined for the bathroom once I got to my place. So there I am, eyes closed sitting on the toilet getting all nice and relaxed when I feel a fart coming out. Only it didn't. "What the fuck?" I could feel the gas pushing through my body but could not feel it exiting. Panic mode sets in - my "what if's" were going through my mental Rolodex at top speed. I'm bracing the walls, pushing harder but still no relief, yet I could feel something... growing in my crack.
Then I heard a very loud POP! BBrrrAPP!, something like a firecracker blasting off in the toilet bowl, and felt a very sharp smack reverberating on my butt. "That's it! I blew my ass off, oh my god oh my god!" I start tearing up thinking about the hospital trip, the embarrassment and the bills, never living this down once my family found out. I slowly turn around, expecting the worst, only find out what had actually happened. The wax that was still left on my butthole had formed a seal and the wax was ballooning with each subsequent fart. I had filled it with so much fart that I burst that butt bubble with enough fanfare to satisfy a brass section of an orchestra.
TheBomar: Just died laughing at work. Holy shit.
ChudStudley: When's the funeral?
TheBomar: Tomorrow, 5p.m., be here!
ChudStudley: Is it open bar? That's the only way you'll get me there.
TheBomar: No funeral of mine would ever be without an open bar.
sloth_jones: The bar at my funeral will be the same as my casket...
DeviacZen: Empty and depressing?
sloth_jones: Underwater
| 9 | 191.333333 | |
1405194441 | 1405198000 | t3_2aj4xh | t5_2to41 | 6 | MoosePuffs: TIFU by drinking whiskey and sharpening knives
You can guess were this is going. Late the other night I was watching netflix and drinking some rye. Maybe a lot of rye. That not being stimulating enough, I decided to get out my tri-angle sharpener and put fresh edges on my kitchen knives while continuing to watch and drink. After putting a savage edge on my chef's knife, took it over to the sink to wash off any little shavings and immediately let it slip out of my grip. The blade caught my other hand on the way down and sliced me deep between my thumb and index finger. Had to get my GF out of bed to drive me to the ER at 11. I sent her home at midnight as I still hadn't seen a doctor. Finally got stitched up (10 vertical mattress sutures) around 2:30 but didn't get out of there until 4. Walked home as penance for stupidity.
TL;DR über-sharpened a knife while drunk, gained 10 stitches and lost $500 and a lot of blood
[the doc's good work nsfwish](http://imgur.com/FlS23zh)
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: I don't think you're mature enough to drink whiskey or sharpen knives.
suigenic: Do you want my toe pics?
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: PM ME YOUR TOE PICS
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405191803 | 1405888025 | t3_2aj160 | t5_2to41 | 2 | TheRealMcCoy95: TIFU By drinking too many beers before getting on a plane.
Before I start this story this tifu unfolded a very long time ago and happened to my father but still a pretty funny fuck up i thought i would share, enjoy!
So my father works for a German car company while he was still a mechanic every year there would be a training session somewhere across the border usually in Chicago. The company would fly them down they would do their training, drink a few beers and go home.
So fast forward a few hours and many pints later my dad is piss hammed on a flight back to Canada. He gets on the plane and passes out once he finds his seat and sleeps for a large portion of the flight. When he finally wakes up he has to piss like nothing else, the gates of hell are banging on his balder ready to explode and take down this plane. So he gets up to go rock a piss like any person in the right mind after drinking 8 beers would. Gets up to go and the flight attendant informs him that the plane is now in its descend for the next 45 mins and he will have to wait to use the washroom, inside the airport.
Plane finally lands and my dad dosent know how he hasn't pissed him self by this point grabs his shit and b-lines it off the plane looking for the first available washroom in the air port. So he sees one and shoots straight for it getting ready for the best piss of his life. Meanwhile there is some dick standing in front of the door in plain clothes just blocking the entrance to the washroom. My dad being still half in the bag and more concentrated to piss tries to deke this guy out by jerking one way and quickly going around the guy. As soon as he tries to pull this little move buddy pulls out a badge and says TSA come with me.
So this air port TSA dick takes him down this long jail like looking hall way and brings him into this interrogation room with nothing more then a few chairs and a bare steel table. He only has carry on luggage and the officer guy dumps all his shit over this table then just walks out without saying a word. ( more than likely goes behind the one way glass) So he sits and waits for a good hour and no one comes back the whole time he is sitting on this piss ready to wip it out and piss in the corner right there.
Eventually he gets fed up and goes up to the mirror / glass whatever still half drunk asks if he can finally go about his business. Someone from behind the wall goes on the speaker and says he is free to go. No questioning no fuck all. So he high tales it to the first washroom he can find and rocks the biggest piss of his life to date ( this being about 15+ year ago) sits there and goes for a solid 3 minutes. Some guy follows him into the washroom ( another undercover TSA asshole ) and takes a leak in the urnal beside him. By the time the guy is finished beside him he is still going like a fucking race horse and the TSA guy tries to stall as much as possible to see if he is doing anything suspicious. In the end he finally finishes what feels like a damn marathon and never hears from these dicks again.
May not be my own personal tifu but reading the story about the guy passing out in the washroom brought this into my head. Hope you enjoyed my first post in tifu. Got many more to share!
TL;DR. Air port cops dont let you pee.
Voyager5555: The TSA doesn't operate outside the US.
TheRealMcCoy95: CBSA whatever.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405196475 | 1405198377 | t3_2aj7o1 | t5_2to41 | 22 | vanityfaer: TIFU: By not buying new shoes sooner.
This tale begins a tad unexpectedly, considering the title. I had to take my cat to the vet. So I pop him in the cat carrier, and head on out. Unfortunately, I had put on a pair of extremely old dolly shoes which, after I was about ten minutes from my flat, started falling apart.
I was near a cheap supermarket at the time, and there I had a choice. I could sneak in with the cat, grab shoes, and go through self-service as quickly as I could, or I could walk for another 25 minutes in a pair of shoes that were literally falling apart. Of course, I channelled my inner ninja and went in.
I put the cat carrier on the floor, and am frantically looking for my size, when I hear a cry of "ooh, kitty", and turn around just in time to see a little girl of approximately six go hands and knees to look into the carrier.
And then I hear a "pfft" noise. And smell a familiar smell.
My cat (who at this point hadn't been neutered) had been so startled by the girl, that he had sprayed piss in her face.
Needless to say, I noped the fuck out of there.
My shoes came away from the sole. I got a taxi home.
Turbo_Vince: Sounds like you CHEEZED it out of there.
South Park reference.
vanityfaer: The same cat got stressed out by someone coming into the flat, so his logical next step was to jump up next to me, then simultaneously spray and tail-whip the piss right into my face. I was an inadvertent cheezer.
I'll admit, standing up, screaming and clawing at my face a la horror movie acid splash wasn't the best reaction, considering there were 5 other people in my living room who had no idea what the fuck was going on. Not my finest moment.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1405197628 | 1405200214 | t3_2aj98x | t5_2to41 | 14 | lmnance: TIFU by trying to befriend a disabled man
I was in an elevator going up to the 16th floor of a building in the city which I live. Within the elevator was myself and another man in wheelchair wearing a bowler hat (this is important information). Due to the length of the elevator ride and the fact that it was only the two of us, I felt socially obliged to make conversation. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hi, I like your hat.
Wheelchair guy: Thank you, my daughter gave it to me as a gift.
Me: I have a hat just like it. My friend Pants (name changed for privacy) gave it to me. She needs to use a wheelchair also, maybe you know her.
It was out before I could even think. All I could do was stand there mortified as my face became more and more red as the seconds passed. What the fuck was I thinking? There is some sort of people-in-wheelchairs organization? Jesus H. Christ.
Keep in mind we've only passed the 6th floor at this point. The gentleman in the wheelchair did not say another word for the last 10 floors.
MuffinPuff: It's not all that unusual for people in wheelchairs to join the same clubs or community centers if there are some around. There's a great community center here for the physically disabled across town, they have lots of group activities for exercise.
lmnance: Yeah... Well. In a big city, it's just kind of "you people" type of thing to say.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1405197042 | 1405202315 | t3_2aj8fg | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking weed in Amsterdam, knocking myself out and urinating in public
Me and my two friends recently finished our first year of university and had planned to go traveling around Europe, just as typical students do.
We decided to start in Amsterdam, it was close and an interesting place to quick start the trip. The first day we arrived we walked around, did some sight seeing and decided to buy some weed. We shared two joints between the three of us but I was disappointed when I didn't get high.
So the next day we go back to the weed shop and buy some pre rolled joints. This time however I bought two spliffs for myself hoping I'd get more high.
So we stroll around Amsterdam looking for somewhere to smoke when we find this really nice bar. It was so damn nice. I mean a fish tank in the floor nice. The kind of stuff you saw on mtv cribs you know. So we're chilling downstairs and I get my first spliff out and start puffing away. But again I didn't feel like I was getting high so I started to breath in longer drags faster. By the time my two friends were half way through their spliffs I had finished.
So I'm just chilling thinking about life when my arms and legs go limp. I didn't think too much about it but then out of the blue I needed a shit.
At this time I'm starting to feel dizzy and a little sick so I stand up and begin to walk to the bathroom. I stumbled up the stairs and into the toilet.
I was in trouble by this point.
The room was spinning and I felt like I was about to pass out. I kneel down and try and stop myself from throwing up. (If you didn't realise by now I don't smoke weed all that often).
As I go to stand up I become really dizzy. All my bodyweight is thrown forward waking my forehead smack bang on the toilet door. Standing up trying to recover like a boxer being punched I took one step back and collapsed.
So I wake up not knowing what the hell has happened and look up. To my surprise I'm out outside the bar lying on a wet bench with groups of tourists just staring at me. Apparently I was dragged out the bar, dragged over the street and dumped on a bench. So I'm guessing I was knocked for about 30 seconds.
The bouncer and bar staff kindly gave me a drink and some food and helped me up. My two friends come out look at the cut on my head and ask wtf had happened. After everything had calmed down I look down at my jeans and they're soaking. I presumed it was water from the bench since it had been raining earlier. Ten mins later I look down again but being the Sherlock Holmes that I am I notice the dampness was only on my crotch and down the back of my legs. I touched my jeans and sniffed my fingers.
God damn urine.
I got back to my hostel, threw my boxers away and never looked myself in the mirror in the same way.
All this happened on Tuesday. I'm in Berlin now and still have my piss stained jeans and still three more weeks of traveling.
But it's true that every cloud has a silver lining because I got free food and a drink so not that bad right?
DelphHog: On the bright side...it sounds like you definitely got high.
On a darker note, you probably smoked pcp.
[deleted]: I don't know what PCP is but it doesn't sound good!
DelphHog: PCP is a dissociative hallucinogenic drug. For some reason people always seem to get naked in all the PCP stories I'm familiar with so you're probably in the clear. *fingers crossed*
Tree_Eyed_Crow: PCP lasts for much longer than 30 seconds.
[deleted]: Talking from experience?
Tree_Eyed_Crow: Not personal experience, but I've watched enough PCP freak-out videos on youtube to realize that those guys lose their minds and go psycho for hours, and don't just pass out and wake up dazed.
Probably what happened to OP was feinting due to lack of oxygen when he got up to go the restroom. I've had that happen to me after dabbing for a bit and then going to the restroom, I passed out and fell backwards to hit my head on the tub.
Didn't piss myself though...
[deleted]: Pissing myself was the best part, missed out!
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1405198877 | 1405199508 | t3_2ajb32 | t5_2to41 | 13 | MrNewyear: TIFU by not proofreading an extra credit essay
So its the day after finals, and our professor gives us the option to watch a 2 hour documentary and write a 3 page discussion essay afterwards for extra credit. In the middle of writing the essay, I make a reference to a university in my home state, and my friend, being super funny decides to write in parentheses (THE MOTHERLAND BITCH) as a joke. I laughed and told myself that I would take it out before I submitted it.
Well we ended up going to the beach before I emailed it, and in my wanting to get back to the beach mindset, I just sent it while we took an eating break. I forgot to edit that part out, and now I may have sat through a boring two hour documentary for nothing... I sent an apology email, but who knows what she'll do... TIFU
Ingens_Testibus: 'The Motherland?' You must be a fellow Texan!
ShpongleEyes: That's a horrible thing to say! What did he ever do to you?
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405185566 | 1405201367 | t3_2aisd4 | t5_2to41 | 27 | dorothy_zbornak_esq: TIFU by not checking the expiration date on the toothpaste
Hey guys, did you know that toothpaste expires? Turns out that it does.
In town visiting my parents. Younger sib and I have been out of the house for a bit now, so they have turned both of our rooms into fancy guest rooms. Personally I think it makes the house look like a fuckin' hotel, but I don't live here anymore so what do I care.
Anyway, there's shampoo and all in the bathroom but no toothpaste, so I walked over to my sib's bathroom and grabbed the toothpaste from there.
I start brushing my teeth and I'm like ASDFJLIASDJFASDJKFAHSLF WHAT THE FUCK. The crap is terrible. Overly sweet and somehow rotten? HOW DOES MINT GO ROTTEN I DONT UNDERSTAND.
Anyway I checked all over for an expiration date and when I finally found it? October. Of 2008.
tl;dr six year old toothpaste tastes like making out with a mint flavored butt.
Ovil101: Toothpaste has an expiration date?
dorothy_zbornak_esq: Yes, my friend. Yes it does.
| 3 | 9 | |
1405188670 | 1405270755 | t3_2aiwm3 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by going inside her too aggressively and ripping my frenulum (NSFW)
Before you start reading you have to know that a "frenulum" is the skin that connects the penis head to the foreskin.
So this happened last summer when my GF was alone at her house.
She's my first sexual partner so things weren't flawless at the begining.
I want to add that I am very shy, weird, socially awkward and still didn't have much of an idea what to do with girls and how to tell them 'stuff'.
So I go to her place enter the door and suddenly I start shaking, since I knew what was going to happen. I put my shoes down and she starts kissing me. After walking me to her room we layed down and we started the foreplay. I went down on her (a lot) and after about 15-20 minutes of me licking and fingering her she aggressively says "Oh that's it I want you"!
She put my pants down and layed me on the bed. She wanted to be on top and started trying to get it in. I noticed that it didn't go in quite easily, because she wasn't that wet after all that fingering (I also guess the fact that my penis is kind of curved helped that inability). So it finally did get in. But since my frenulum is kind of short, for me it was quite unpleasent for the first few minutes. I felt a lot of pressure on my penis and felt how much it was stretching. It started to hurt a little bit, but I didn't want to dissapoint her so I said to my self "Fuck it i'll hold the pain i'm a man".
After some fake moaning I tell her that I'm about to blow my load (We were without a condom). And for a last time I pushed real real hard and felt something rip along with a sharp pain in my penis. I didn't make a sound, nor did my face change. After 5 second a shit ton of blood came out and I just said "Hey! Blood!" She was cool and all and said it could just be her period since it was nearing and sexual acts trigger it more.
But then she saw it was my penis.. I can't explain the frighetened look on her face. She flipped out! Screaming all kinds of shit about my penis and why I hadn't told her I was unable of sexual stuff and shit. I tried to explain to her, but I doubt even you would listen to what I'm saying after that :D
I was calm and all telling her to chill and that it's okay.
Went to the bathroom washed some of the blood (tho it kept comming, but less) and put on my pants. She was really scared. I calmed her down a little bit and said I would just go home.
Finally went home saw my penis head and it was blue with a little bit of blood.She didn't want us to have sex for about 3 months and I didn't fap for 1 and a half. It healed eventually, but it was quite the weird adventure :D
I'm most mad that my shorts got blood on them and had to throw them away so my mother wouldn't know.
It's all okay and it doesn't hurt to have sex now. LEL!
TL;DR: pushed way too hard, ripped my frenulum, girl screaming, blood, blue penis head for 2 weeks.
MG87: Why the fuck didnt you go to the hospital?
mavecroz: It wasn't that big of a wound. I just had a feeling that it would heal itself without any compications and it did! Plus I was ashamed :D
MG87: Man, I think the fear of being embarassed at the ER gets shot to shit the second your dickhead turns blue.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1405201821 | 1405221227 | t3_2ajfbt | t5_2to41 | 28 | throwaway245825492: TIFU by leaving blood stained panties in my purse. [NSFW?]
Okay, that title made me realize how embarrassing this really is.
I was at work and bam, Mother Nature decided to fuck me over right then and there.
I had cramps earlier in the day, but I thought "oh, must've just be gas."
How wrong I was.
I felt the start of a fountain in my pants. Shit, I thought to myself, and made it to the bathroom.
Sure enough, a small pool of blood was in my underwear.
Fuck.
Luckily, I was prepared for this. I had extra underwear in my purse! I changed into them and realized I had NO WHERE TO PUT THE DIRTY PAIR.
I had three options:
1. Throw them away.
2. Leave them in the bathroom and pick them up later.
3. Wrap them up and shove them in my purse.
I didn't want to waste a perfectly good pair of underwear that could easily be washed, so option one was out. I didn't want to risk my co-workers finding them laying in the bathroom, so option two was out.
I tried to wipe most of the blood out. I wrapped them up in toilet paper and put them in the extra compartment in my purse.
Some hours later, my friend (one of my co-workers) asked to borrow a tampon. (I guess the thing about females' periods syncing up is true?)
"Sure," I said, "they're in that zipper compartment in my purse."
Guess who had forgotten that they had bloody panties in there? It's me!
She reached into my purse. That's when I remembered.
*Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.*
In one swift move, she grabbed the tampon and lo and behold, my underwear fell out. Yeah, she noticed. She just stared at them, unsure of what to say, and left with the tampon.
Apparently, she's a gossiping bitch, and decided to spread the story to almost everyone I work with. My boss can't look me in the eye.
TL;DR: friend knocks bloody underwear out of my purse, everyone finds out.
[deleted]: Make her a nice cup of tea with that tampon.
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Well now I know what I'm doing for my freaky self next time my wife's on her period. Piss menstruation green tea.
FuzzyDunlop121: Gag
| 4 | 7 | |
1405202501 | 1405210867 | t3_2ajgae | t5_2to41 | 128 | bigbadwolf69: TIFU by thinking my little sister was more innocent than she actually is.
So I was hanging out at my friend's house today, we'll call the friend Matt, drinking beer having a good time. (Both of us are in college). Matt's brother, we'll call him Chase also was there. He just graduated from high school. Eventually the topic got to each of us bragging about girls that we had banged. When it was Chase's turn to boast he said he had fucked my younger sister, we'll call her Lucy. I was like dude don't even joke about that, that's disgusting. One because she is my sister and two because she is only 15 and to my knowledge at the time really innocent. He kept it up though saying he really did have sex with her, and I being the older brother that I am said "you say anything about Lucy again and you'll have a busted nose to go with your busted brain". Chase responds with "her pussy was looser than I expected". I go that's it and punch him right in the nose. It starts bleeding, and I get up walk over to my car and drive home. When I get home I see Lucy and I was like "I know you don't like to talk about sex but Matt's younger brother Chase was trying to tell me that he had sex with you so I had to set him straight. She gets really red in the face and tells me that she did in fact have sex with Chase. Around 15 minutes later my mom gets a phone call from Matt and Chase's mom saying that they needed to have a meeting about the violent behavior of Jimmy (I'm Jimmy) because she feels that he is a threat to her children's safety. So today I fucked up.
Note: Just so you know the sexual intercourse between Chase and Lucy was legal in my state, so it wasn't rape or anything.
TL;DR: Punched a kid because he was claiming he banged my sister, turns out he actually did bang my sister.
Edit: So I talked to Chase's parents and apparently the story he told them was that I got mad all of a sudden for no reason and then punched him in the nose. Once they heard my story they were a bit appalled that Chase would say what he said to me so they didn't believe me 100% until Matt verified my story. After they figured out that their youngest child was a dick, they were kinda like "he shouldn't have said the things he said, but that gave you no right to resort to physical violence." But I think I'll be fine with the law. (My biggest worry was that they would try to get me charged with abusing a minor or some shit like that)
jfb3: So go have a talk with that other kids parents and tell them that their precious son is having sex with an underage girl and you feel obligated to report him to the proper authorities. Tell them he might get off easy with a sock to the nose instead of federal pound-him-in-the-ass prison time.
bigbadwolf69: No since she is above 14 and he is under 18 it is all legal. I live in a southern state, so the age of consent laws are pretty lax.
jfb3: I'm from the south too. We all learned that kind of talk about somebodies younger sister might earn you a fast beating by her older brothers or cousins. Apparently his parents didn't teach him any manners.
TheBomar: In the south, you don't fuck with someones little sister then brag/talk about it. That gets your teeth kicked in quick.
jfb3: Yeah! When I was in college I was banging my best friend's/roommate's little sister every which way and just about every other night. I'm sure he was aware of the fact.
**But I never mentioned it to him.**
| 6 | 21.333333 | |
1405200588 | 1405228948 | t3_2ajdlh | t5_2to41 | 277 | BartMaster1234: TIFU by turning into the Ant Kingdom reincarnation of Hitler
One glorious day, on a gloomy July morning, I walked into my bathroom, as I really needed to take a piss. As I frantically hurried, and lifted the toilet seat, I noticed something odd. Something... really odd. Small moving dots. All over the rim. Curious, I dangerously moved my head closer, and closer, then I saw that they were ants. I turned on the lights. Ants. A fuckton of them. EVERYWHERE. Not just on the toilet, on the floor, in the garbage, on my foot. WAIT THEY'RE ON MY FOOT! SHIT. Then, the inevitable happened. One of them bit me.
The fucker bit me. That was the last straw. I need to take my revenge. Nobody invades my kingdom, my royal porcelain throne, my territory. I stuck my hand under the sink and grabbed the first two bottles I could find. It was toilet cleaner and Windex. I ran back into my fallen kingdom, and I emptied the entire bottle of toilet cleaner on the ant trails, and their entryways. In the toilet. On the seat. In the garbage can. I proudly looked upon my kingdom, proud of what I have done, I have killed the invaders. *most of them*.
Displeased, I took the Windex, and I sprayed all the survivors. I watched them flail helplessly, and die a slow painful death, as their friends followed. Then, something strange happened. Smoke. Smoke..? That's strange. That shouldn't happen. Is the floor on fire? Is my house suddenly under a steam vent? Is Ant Satan emerging from hell to punish me for mass ant genocide? That second, as I stared into the smoke forming around me, and I remembered that one episode from King of the Hill. Peggy was writing a column about making your door knobs, and bathroom fixtures shiny and clean, then Hank reading it later that day in a panic, and yelling in shock, something along the lines of: "This isn't a cleaning remedy! THIS IS THE RECIPE FOR MUSTARD GAS! BWAAAAHHH!"
SHIT. I'M GOING TO DIE. I absolutely HAD to grab the damn toilet cleaner with Clorox, and the Windex with Ammonia. I held my breath, frantically opening my one window that barely opens, and when I slammed closed that door, gasping for air, I felt like Joe Brody in Godzilla. Shutting the massive door while toxic, radioactive mist narrowly misses him. And kills his wife. Then I hightailed my ass out of there.
I sat in the corner of my room, stunned. I stared at a lone ant walking around on my floor molding, perhaps looking for his dead family, and under the whisper of my breath, shakily said "I'm sss..sorry." As I stared as his nimble, frail self. I then realized... something I thought I'd never think to myself.
I have literally become Hitler.
I just killed thousands of ants and left them in a gas filled bathroom.
And it wasn't the gas that comes out of my ass.
I'm a monster. I could imagine their tiny tiny little screams as they find they fallen comrades under a thick layer of blue goo, and then proceed to die as the room fills with a thick layer of deadly gas.
What have I done. What have I turned into.
God help me.
It's not even seven in the morning and I've already pissed my trousers.
**TL;DR - I have reincarnated as Hitler. Mass genocide.** ***Ant it wasn't intended. Ant all.*** **If it wasn't for King of the Hill I would have died a slow painful death right there on the bathroom floor.**
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-
-
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Aftermath: I realized what I have created was an adequate amount of Chloramine Gas, (Thanks for the correction, /u/dasboots.) not Mustard Gas as it commonly mistaken as. I went back in there dressed as Walter White in a full face respirator, and a yellow jumpsuit, and cleaned the shit out of the war field I had just created.
wOlfLisK: I don't think mustard or chlorine gas was used during the second world war. First, yeah, it was everywhere. But I don't think WW2 had any.
BartMaster1234: Correct, you're thinking of the Vietnam War I believe.
jmartin21: No, Vietnam had Agent Orange, which was an herbicide used in an attempt to get rid of the heavy jungles, and wasn't intended as a chemical weapon against people. WWI was the last war with chemical weapons used heavily.
BartMaster1234: Ah, that was it. Thanks for the correction.
| 5 | 55.4 | |
1405204493 | 1405210038 | t3_2ajj7d | t5_2to41 | 101 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my wife I was craving black models.
My wife was out shopping. I took the kid for a walk and noticed our lime tree was full. I decide to text the wife and tell her I have a craving for Negro Modelo the beer. I Phone decides to autocorrect to "Negro Models". My wife calls me back and screams unintelligible profanities into the phone. I call back and she won't pick up. I try to text her and see my last text proudly read "I have a craving for negro models". Thank you ever so much Apple. I texted the correction. Now the waiting game.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: First off, you didn't fuck up; your wife is a bitch.
If she didn't let you explain that *auto-correct* changed what you were saying, and decided to launch into a tirade, you might want to start looking into divorce.
Or, you've done something in the past to warrant this reaction. Spill it, OP.
CoyoteBrown: 50/50
She is a white girl(ginger even) from California so "prone to outbursts" is par for the course.
For the other side of the coin the girl that got away is a Jamaican girl who lives relatively close. She found the pictures in a box she picked up from my sister. My sister did me the favor of telling the story. Basically this younger model I dated once upon a time. She is a regular broad with a regular job and a husband of her own now. So I did have a history with a Black Model. Is that a stretch?
Meh.
NoDiggityNoDoubt: Your wife is afraid of the ol' saying, "once you go black, you never go back."
And rightfully so... you went to the completely opposite end of the spectrum: White ginger!
CoyoteBrown: I never really had a type. If you line all the women up I ever dated they would look like a United Nations convention.
I tell a joke about having a soft spot for Island girls. Caribbean, Japan, Philippines, Malaysia, Indonesia, Taiwan, The Mediterranean, Iceland, and of course, Ireland (always last for Comedic Effect).
| 5 | 20.2 | |
1405202610 | 1405271698 | t3_2ajgg2 | t5_2to41 | 87 | twotard: TIFU by eating the Chinese food. NSFW
Just to warn you guys; this is a shit story... but it's kind of a unique one.
A couple months ago our University had Chinese food as the visiting restaurant. My roommate advised me to stay away from that Chinese food, but I went for it anyway. Something was immediately off as I bit into it; the chicken was brown and chewy on the inside and the noodles were a little too slimy. That didn't slow me down.
Later that night I slept with my now girlfriend for the first time. The entire time I held in an uncomfortable fart despite my belly gurgling in protest. Thankfully my girlfriend had to leave after we finished. After she left I laid in my bed and let out the longest and strangest sounding fart I've ever had. There was a strange muffling sound to it and I immediately felt warm and wet. I was confused and disappointed in myself, I can usually feel diarrhea brewing.
I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw my boxers at the hamper on the way, but something was wrong. Instead of the smelly brown I was expecting, there was a clear, yellowish, slimy mucus dripping down my leg and around my ass. It looked like I was victim of an anal gang-bang. Freaked out, I made it to the toilet. As I passed whatever fatty substance built up in my bowels, a horrible gurgling sound, like a man choking on his own blood escaped from my ass, while the semen-like substance splattered around the bowl. After I filled the toilet with pure, partially digested fat, I hopped in the shower. There was one last fart left in me though. When I tried to pass it a torrent of fatty mucus with a tinge of red slime exploded out of me. My blood pressure dropped and I passed out right there.
I later awoke to my roommate pounding on the door, asking if I was OK. My core temperature had dropped to dangerous levels as freezing water washed over my numb body. When I emerged from the bathroom he was staring at the fat covered boxers and sheets piled next to the hamper with a look of horror on his face. He then looked up at me, pale and shivering with an empty look on my face. All I could manage to say was "Chinese food" before I headed to my room and collapsed on the bed.
Thank god I was able to hold in that fart.
TLDR; put terrible things in your body, terrible things will come out
Foreigncarwhipper: You ate either dog or cat my clear fecal matter releasing friend.
twotard: It was very striated as well...
cbomb89: >It was very striated as well...
U
| 4 | 21.75 | |
1405204484 | 1405206776 | t3_2ajj6t | t5_2to41 | 3 | Guykitty: TIFU by trading computers
Alright so I just want to start off by saying im not a scammer, let me take this by steps
1. We make a deal where i give 50 he shows proof, then i give 100 and when his computer arrives, i send my laptop to him, good deal right not too much to lose for me.
2. He was way more suspicious he knew i was extremely nervous.
3. I send him 50 for packaging before the deal, he ships it, and i find out my back account is frozen because i refunded a paypal the day before with him for having cold feet.
4. So now this guy who shipped his computer is demanding the rest of the money i have (30 bucks) in my accounts which i need
5. I told him theirs nothing i can do i really am just done, if he can't cancel i will immediately send it back or pay after my money is unfrozen for any fee's he had to pay
6. I just can't relax and i know i look sketchy but back in my mind i think he wants the money so urgently because theirs rocks in the box or something
WHO'S RIGHT?
I know my bank account messed it up but now i just wish this mess is all over, he says he doesnt have the money to cancel but neither do i until bank unfreezes me
Please reddit give me helpful words
EDIT: He just said he's calling police, is he bluffing i dont know, but i'm just gonna tell them I told him, could i get in trouble for this?
CheeseFrys: I believe you will be fine. If the police do get involved I think you will just owe him 100 bucks still.
Guykitty: thats good enough for me, now i'm only gonna sell locally,
CheeseFrys: Yea good rule of thumb to not get scammed. Although people will still try in person sometimes.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1405207271 | 1405212944 | t3_2ajmwu | t5_2to41 | 22 | g102: TIFU three times in a row
God, what a horrible day this was. I decide to do some cleanup on my PC, and inadvertently I delete some data that I need for one of my last exams before graduating. I managed to recover some, but there are more than just a couple of hours of extra work to get back to speed. And the exam is in two weeks, so I can't even postpone them so much, or spead them in more than a handful of days.
Next, this afternoon. Dinner with my friends, the place is kinda far, I take the car. On my way there, I hit another car with my right side on his left side. His left mirror is broken, and he's got a small bump on the back of the car. He wants to call the police and get the insurances at work, but since I am a young driver, the car insurance costs are way too high already, and with this accident they might become even higher, so I deice to pay him cash. 150 bucks and a couple minutes later, I realize there's no way in hell that I hit his mirror (my mirror was perfectly fine despite my car was very similar to his, and he was steering away from me, so I may have only bumped him). So, I think I got scammed.
Last but not least, I finally take the courage to ask this girl out (she is a friend of a friend, and was at the dinner). She says no, politely but firmly.
Fuck.
txroller: Good idea to pay the guy off IMO. At least you know about the girl now which takes guts. Why cant you ask a classmate for Exam study help?
g102: The files I deleted were results from some wind tunnel tests. I can ask somebody for theirs, but they should be unique. Anyway, I might change a number here, a decimal there from somebody else's work, but I can't copy them all. As for the car, yes, it was the best thing to do, but the doubt of being scammed really annoys me. And the girl: it hurts more than it should, but for those last two things I can't do much now, can I?
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1405207334 | 1405229313 | t3_2ajmzs | t5_2to41 | 38 | HotsaucePenis: TIFU by using hot sauce as lube
This actually happened several months ago.
I love spicy food. A lot. Food just isn't good if I can't taste it on its way in and out. I was preparing a pretty standard meal for myself, tofu with assorted veggies and a few different hot peppers & sauce. After I had finished cutting the peppers and the meal was on the stove I felt an oh so familiar tingle down there, the urge to cut my pepper. I had washed my hands, but obviously not well enough because while I was freeing willy I was treated to a pleasant subtle warmth. I knew I loved spicy stuff, but had never loved it in "that way" before. All was well.
The next time I was cooking something spicy, I was reminded of the oh so nice warmth when I last whipped my dripper. I had to do it again. Now, I consider myself to be an extreme person. I figured I enjoyed the embers, so I would love the inferno. Once I finished cooking I grabbed my bottle of Sudden Death Sauce [1] from the cabinet. This shit is no joke. If I recall, a restaurant was once sued for serving it to someone. Notice I capitalized the sauce's name out of sheer respect and reverence for the power it holds, as I would discover in the events to follow. I poured two drops onto my hand and spread it out, then rinsed my hand off slightly and towel patted it dry. I figured that would mellow out the heat enough for it to be tolerable. How naive I was.
I began thumping the thistle with my hot-hand and some lotion and at first everything was going well. The warmth was back, and felt so good. I kept stroking and it got stronger. And stronger. And stronger still. I had probably been rubbing this crap on my dick for a minute and a half before I realized I had made a terrible mistake and ripped my hand out of my trousers like a nun had walked in on me. Even though I had stopped it kept getting hotter. I sprinted to the bathroom and into the shower. It barely helped. I desperately searched the room for something to extinguish the raging fires of hell from my pulsing pecker, which was by this point so red and shriveled in terror it looked like a flaming hot cheeto. On the counter was the mug that I use to rinse my mouth. Fuck it, I filled it with the coldest of water and shoved my entire package, scrotum and all inside and pressed it tightly against my pelvis. The pain was gone, but if I so much as considered moving or removing the mug it would come come back with a vengeance. Accepting my fate, I sat on the toilet holding a mug against my crotch while sobbing quietly and wishing I was a eunuch for 45 minutes or so.
xninjasmileyx: One of my friends has Mad Dog 357 sauce, the last time I checked, this was the hottest hot sauce in the world (not to dis Sudden Death Sauce, because that shit is intense). He convinced a bunch of my friends and I to try it. We did - not a good time, my mouth was burning for the next two hours, and my spit wouldn't coagulate for another two weeks. But onto the point. The one who owns this sauce from hell, was also the one preparing toothpicks of it for us to try. I guess he got some on his hands during this process, because at some point he had the urge to scratch his balls. He must have gotten some on his dick as well, because after a few seconds, he started crying out in pain. I believe his words were, "HOLY SHIT, FIRE CROTCH FIRE CROTCH!" He ran inside without saying anything to the rest of us (we were baffled) and took a 10 minute shower. This seemed to temporarily relieve the pain, because he came back outside and explained what happened. But this is not the end, as the pain returned. He told us we had to go home because he was actually dying. I later asked him about the events after we left, I was told it involved some frantic Google searches and a glass of milk. I left it at that because I had no desire to hear anymore of what happened with his dick.
**tl;dr: I agree with OP, hot sauce and dicks do not mix**
SquiddyTheMouse: He should have rubbed olive oil (or any vegetable oil) on it, then liquid detergent (the shit you use to clean your dishes), rinsed it, then dunked his willy in milk.
The olive oil mixes with the oil in the chilli and helps to neutralize it, the detergent breaks it all down, water rinses the detergent/oil mix off, then the milk counteracts the remaining capsaicin.
xninjasmileyx: Do you have a number to call the next time we decide to do something stupid?
SquiddyTheMouse: Your local poisons information hotline. Find that number, and pin it right next to the phone. And the phone number of the local hospital. And the police.
Just find all the phone numbers that you might possibly need, in any situation and have them next to the phone, and in the contact list of your mobile/cell phone.
If you do something stupid, and you're not sure how to fix it, get the the hospital, okay? Don't worry about being embarrassed, just go.
xninjasmileyx: I'm impressed, you had that shit ready to go.
xninjasmileyx: I actually Googled all of these, they are now taped to the back of my phone.
SquiddyTheMouse: Good. It's always best to be prepared for shit to get bad.
xninjasmileyx: That it is.
| 9 | 4.222222 | |
1405207970 | 1405212018 | t3_2ajnu8 | t5_2to41 | 61 | Rapturecat: TIFU by turning down the girl I like.
This happened a couple months ago, where there was this girl that I met back in junior year who I ended up becoming really close to. Over the school year we ended up helping each other out a lot, and ended up becoming best friends. So one night during another late night call (we helped each other out with hw and usually end up just talking about random shit), she was talking about how the guy she liked didn't like her back, and she ended up saying "Hey Rapturecat, you're single, and I'm single so I was thinking.." I interrupted her by saying "Yeah! I think someday in the future we'll both find own SO, we just have to wait for the right person!" As soon as I said that I was like.. shit, what did I just say? We both were quiet for a moment, and then she said "Yeah you're right" and we moved onto to some random topic. After the call ended I realized what I said and ended up curling into the fetal position before I ended sleeping in the depths of my despair.
TL;DR I don't know how to women.
monkeyburritoz: You could have called her back mate!
Rapturecat: I should've tried asking her out but I was way too shy lol.
6romperstomper9: Change your name to pussycat...........
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1405208498 | 1405272945 | t3_2ajok3 | t5_2to41 | 79 | Iamthethudner: TIFU by fucking a banana.
So, my family left friday morning to spend the weekend can't remember where, leaving me all by myself in my humble home.
All is going well, I'm just chilling, living the dream playing games all day, watching some Jack Bauer, eating microwave pizza and doing all other kinds of super chill boring activities like browsing reddit. Browsing reddit... A random comment on a random thread, it could be just an assumption that OP is a feg but not this time, this random redditor mentions how banana peels are great fapping devices. We all heard it before right? But this time, I was all alone and a thought comes to mind - "Sounds like a plan.".
So i walk to the kitchen and there it is, i peel it, take the fruit out, put it in the fridge, back to my room.
I start going at it, in case you're curious, let me tell you - it's not the best thing i inserted my weewee in but it's not the worst either, i give it a solid 5/10. So, if you're familiar with this kind of stuff there's a point where you shoot your rocket juice, i did it on a towel, personal preference. Feeling good, walk back to the kitchen, open the fridge, grab banana, eat it. Don't waste food boys.
Time to clean up. Never fuck up this part guys, mastabating is just like a murder, the tough part is making sure you didn't leave something behind that can trace you. Like a hand towel covered with genetic information on your bathroom floor.
Apparently, the weather was pretty bad during my families adventures and they decided to come back today. They arrive at arround 11 in the morning, my mom gives me shit because the kitchen looks like 1960s Vietnam, the usual.
Fast forward a little bit - its now midnight, i go take a piss, I wash my hands, i dry my hands, ...WAIT A SECOND, yep you guessed it, i just dried my hand on my microscopic offspring, and so did my whole family during the day. Someone must have found it on the floor and thought it fell from the hanger thingy. FML, just hope no one noticed.
TL/DR: fucked a banana peel, whole family now carries my DNA
monkeyburritoz: Hope no one in your family fingers themselves. Good luck OP
Iamthethudner: Did not think of that, hope it doesn't happen but i'm curious on the results of the possibility.
OhKillEm43: The sperm all would be "dead" within a few seconds of hitting the towel, don't worry.
Eat_The_Muffin: Sperm ejaculated outside the body might survive in semen — the fluid released during ejaculation — up to a few hours.
Thank you google for telling me that
Quimsby: No, if they hit any kind of fabric, they die almost instantaneously.
Eat_The_Muffin: But why?
Instantly is pretty quick
Ktlyn41: I would assume it's because the fabric soaks up and moisture in the seminal fluid causing the sperm to dry out and dry pretty quickly
| 8 | 9.875 | |
1405208870 | 1405209407 | t3_2ajp35 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Call-me-Clara: TIFU By changing the passcode on my phone
I was letting my aunt and younger brother attempt to figure out the passcode on my phone since we were bored out of my mind. My brother figured it out, so I changed it... And then forgot it. It's locked me out until I can figure out how to fix it from the computer... I think I'm just going to employ my boyfriend, mother, and father to see who can figure out first. Wish me luck, cause I'm gunna' need it.
gundeck925: Best of luck! I found my old iPhone of almost 2 years. I forgot my pass code and it's locked so bad it has to be wiped. Or so they say..
Call-me-Clara: Thanks! That's what I fear is going to have to happen...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405209909 | 1405250957 | t3_2ajqf1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | superluser: TIFU by joining a dating site that I was not aware was for rich people
This actually happened yesterday, but the horrible realization happened today. I've been struggling with trying to start dating for the first time in my life (I'm 33) for a while now. I am really not satisfied with the way that most dating sites prioritize the appearance of the other person over that person's personality, so when someone mentioned to me that there was a personalized matchmaker service (to remain nameless), I actually was kind of excited.
I wouldn't get a chance to see what the other person looked like! I'd find out what the other person's personality was like first! I was about to go on vacation so I bookmarked the site and when I came back I built up the courage to sign up! Hooray! I'm sure it's a fee-based thing, but if it's based on an actual personalized approach, I might actually have good results!
I probably should have googled the service *before* I went on vacation, though. That fee? Add a couple of digits to what you thought it would cost. And maybe I should have searched for class-action lawsuits, because there have been a couple regarding its "personalized" approach.
Probably the worst part is that even if I could afford to spend that sort of money on a service, I don't think I would enjoy dating someone who would choose to spend that sort of money on a dating service.
I'm still gonna call them back to verify that the prices are what I've seen quoted, and because I'm kinda curious how that sort of call would go, but I'm quite embarrassed, and really frustrated (a) that I wasted this much of my brain's processing power on this and (b) that this fuckup will make me less willing to try something in the future.
**EDIT:** Talked to the service today. The $1000-$1500 estimate was correct. I am out.
PM_ME_UR_NECKBEARD: Not sure it's a fuck up. Just get out there and meet people. Don't waste your time on the interwebs, except as an extra tool to get out and meet more people.
superluser: It's what I've been trying to do. I don't know where to meet people though. I don't really like drinking, so I don't think I'd like the sort of people you'd find at bars (who, presumably, like to drink). I'm trying meetups and various things to get me out of the house, but I have to really struggle to find places to meet people.
PyrrhosD: Try just hanging around a park, or just walking around town, you'll meet up with someone that way eventually
superluser: I've tried that. Can't say I've tried it enough to have given it a fair shot, but I do like going to the park and taking pictures of nature.
ssjkriccolo: Bring a dog.
superluser: Yeah, I really want a dog. I think I will get one soon.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1405209538 | 1405227317 | t3_2ajpwn | t5_2to41 | 71 | vb_designer: TIFU by being drenched in urine, then stripping in front of coworkers
The setting was late last night, after a work meeting. Myself and a female coworker of mine were heading out to the parking lot. Being that my night had been long and dreary, I was in that tired/bored/crazy mood. So when I saw a covered styrofoam cup sitting next to my car, my my natural reaction was, of course, to see how far I could kick it. Yeah. This is what work meetings do to me. So with a cocky "watch this" to my coworker, I land a mighty kick to the unoffending cup. I realize my mistake immediately. As my foot makes contact, the cup, which is full of liquid, explodes, drenching me in the warm substance. One sniff told me just how badly I had fucked up.
My first response was of course the most logical; I had to get out of the urine-clothes. With my coworker rolling on the ground with laughter, I proceed to strip off my clothes, in full view of my storefront. Everyone who had not left work yet, my manager included, were inside, watching the events unfold. Thankfully I had towels in my car, and after 4 intense showers, the trauma has worn off enough to be able to tell my story. Enjoy Reddit.
(I still have my job, and my manager thought it was hilarious)
Edit 1: I'm a guy, and stripped down to underwear. Also there's a homeless man who hangs around our shop, pretty sure it was his. I can never look at "Rick" the same way now, know that its very likely I was drenched in something that came out of him. Yikes hahaha
UnderTheBlankets: Sounds like a fun manager. And why was there a piss filled cup next to your car, weird.
DatPig: Homeless people. Or tourists.
WhereAreTheBears: Or homeless tourists.
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1405212214 | 1405218317 | t3_2ajtdz | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by going in for an awkward parking lot kiss
Ok, like many others this did not happen today, but unfortunately it did happen.
Long story short, on a third date with a guy (I'm female). Things had been going alright, but thus far no kiss or any sort of physical contact besides hugs.
After the date we discuss when we will see each other again, then go in for the usual hug. We are in the parking lot, btw, in broad daylight. For some reason my crazy mind tells me to move my arms around his neck, lean my head back, and ask 'should we kiss'. Even as I was doing it I felt the awkwardness and then he says 'what? here?'. We end the date with 'see you later (accompanied by weird laughter)' and proceed to never speak to each other again.
edit: Thanks reddit, I feel validated. One spot of shame gone.
Popular-Skeletons: I'm in pretty much the same boat. I fuck up all my dates one way or another. Solidarity.
Obnubilate: No no no. We've already agreed she didn't fuck up the date and that he was weird.
You are on your own still.
Popular-Skeletons: ...fuck...
Obnubilate: Lol. Don't worry. Keep at it. You wouldn't want to have been shackled to all those losers anyway.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1405207443 | 1405253288 | t3_2ajn4q | t5_2to41 | 13 | zzswiss: TIFU by jumping out of bed to piss
Again, so like most of these posts, this didn't happen today.
I was in bed with my girlfriend at the time one morning (no longer together, not related to this, i don't think anyway...) and since id just woken up i was dying for a piss. Now generally I'm not the kind of guy that tends to do much at any speed, I'm too lazy for that, but this morning a whole new way of living life took hold of me. Carpe diem. Seize the day. So i decided to get up and piss and make something of the day rather than my usual piss around (pun not intended) and then just get drunk.
Now in my room at halls where this happened, the door to the bathroom was basically at the foot of my bed, wasn't a big room and since the bird was in bed, i decided to jump up and out the bottom of my bed in one smooth movement, all athletic-like. Show her what I'm made of etc. Now this was surprisingly successful, until the point that my mum's low blood pressure genes kicked in and i passed out. Since the sink was right by the door of my bathroom, on my way back to lying down, this time face first, instead of on my back in bed, I smacked my head off of the sink.
An almost perfect semi circle, from bed to floor was disrupted by the sink. Upon hearing the dull thunk of bone upon porcelain, my girlfriend screams and comes to see if I'm okay. Of course I'm passed out of the floor, completely named, spread eagle with a rapidly growing pool of blood round my head like some kind of murder scene from CSI. But I come to once the blood comes back to my brain, which takes quite a long time since its probably pouring out the cut in my forehead as fast as its reaching my head. Now I've no idea whats happened so its safe to say i was rather confused. The first coherent thought that goes through my head is "oh god what happened, my head is killing me". The second was "christ i need a piss". Which is what happened as i was lying on the floor, trying to sit up.
Blood and piss everywhere.
Fortunately my uni must expect bad things to happen in the bathrooms, the shower head is detachable and theres a drain in the floor, so it all washed away quite easily, but I've never attempted to seize the day since.
Tldr; jumped out of bed, passed out, burst my head on the sink on the way down, pissed as i was coming to.
johnnywacko: I checked out this post to see if you snapped Achilles. Idk if it's possible though.
zzswiss: I've actually torn my Achilles before, playing rugby when I was younger. Still a right bitch now, years later.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405213905 | 1405265630 | t3_2ajvkn | t5_2to41 | 85 | devilmadecake: TIFU By Drinking 2 Bottles of Cough Syrup
So this actually happened about 6 years ago... but I feel like telling it.
I had been a druggie for a while. Mostly smoking weed 24/7 and doing hallucinogens every other weekend. I had been out of high school for about 2 years and was working in IT, but wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. My best friend was planning to attend college and move closer to the campus, so I decided to do the same.
I applied and got accepted, but didn't secure the proper amount of financial aid. I then made a terrible decision to quit my stable, well-paying IT job, and move out near the college with my friend (we would be roommates in a house near the campus).
Of course my financial aid fell through and I had no other jobs or backup plans in place. So my friend started attending college and I just sat at home all day and got deeply depressed. I had cashed out my 401K at my old job and just slowly burned through it to cover rent and other expenses. I was unable to afford college and unable to find another job (mostly due to the crippling depression).
I had experimented with getting high off cough syrup before, but as my depression got worse and my funds dried up, I relied on getting high off it more and more, since it was so cheap to purchase. If you don't know, cough syrup contains the drug "DXM", which is a dis-associative/psychedelic type of intoxicant. I was able to get pretty high for a decent amount of time off of drinking an entire bottle.
So one day, feeling extra depressed and barely able to get out of bed, I used what little money I had to buy two bottles of cough syrup instead of one, with hopes of getting extra fucked up. I returned home and chugged both bottles of the medicine. It was a little past noon and my roommate was studying in his room. I decided to take a shower to try and relax myself.
I stood under the hot water and tried to relax. I felt strange, but it was a familiar feeling. The longer I stood in the shower, the more strange I felt. I realized I was getting very high much quicker than I was used to. I felt like my head was expanding and reality was getting rather silly. I turned off the water and dried myself off.
Standing in front of the mirror, I began to disassociate. It felt like my consciousness was hovering above my head, and the reflection in the mirror was just an actor. I tried to calm myself down, to rationalize what was happening, but I realized I was coming up far too fast on my trip and was having difficulty managing it.
I somehow got myself dressed and went into my room. I decided the best choice of music to listen to at this point was Nine Inch Nails' "The Downward Spiral" album. I pushed play and sat down on my bed. My head was very foggy at this point. The music echoed all around me and I started to get tunnel vision. I felt like I was having a lucid dream but was struggling to control my body.
I started to black out in short increments of time. I felt terrible. I felt like I was dying. I began to cry out for my roommate, and best friend, to help me. He eventually entered the room and tried to figure out what was happening. He had known I smoked pot and thought I occasionally did psychedelics, but had no idea how bad I was abusing them or that I was starting to get fucked up on cough syrup. He tried to get me to tell him what I did, but in my altered state I was unable to communicate properly. I kept telling him I didn't know what I did but that it was in the trash. He was unsure what exactly was going on but figured it was drug related and smartly called 911.
Before the ambulance arrived I puked all over my bed. At this point I was fading in and out of consciousness very rapidly and for longer and longer durations. I later figured out, long after the incident, that most likely what had happened was that the hot shower, coupled with the DXM, raised my body temperature to a point where I began to experience heat exhaustion. I was also very malnourished and dehydrated at the time.
The next parts are very fuzzy. The paramedics arrived and escorted me, with much difficulty, into the ambulance. They tried to get me to throw up, not knowing exactly what I had consumed. I eventually ended up in a hospital bed, being questioned by a psychiatrist. He was trying to determine if I was trying to commit suicide or harm myself. Still tripping pretty hard at this point, I basically explained my entire situation to him and what I had done and told him that I was just trying to escape reality, not necessarily kill myself. He concluded that I was a danger to myself. They presented me with a form to sign, basically stating that I was committing myself to a psych ward. I tried to negotiate, but they made it clear that if I didn't sign they could take legal action to force me to be committed. So, reluctantly, I signed.
I was walked to the psych ward. I felt like a robot. I eventually got put into my room and I fell asleep. At one point I woke up in the night and looked at myself in the mirror, thinking I had gone insane. I ended up being in the psych ward for about 4 days, before being allowed to be released on the condition that I attend an out-patent program (which I did).
This incident changed my life and really opened my eyes. I am in a better mental place now, and am happily married and much more stable. I owe my life to my best friend and roommate at the time. Without him I don't know what would have happened. Would I have died that day? Maybe, maybe not. But without that intervention I definitely would have fallen to the absolute bottom of the rabbit hole and been extremely fucked up.
Thanks for reading.
dorothy_zbornak_esq: Deserves more up votes. Congrats on getting yourself together
devilmadecake: Thanks. I wish I could say I was fully together, but I still suffer from depression, although I don't abuse weed or psychedelics anymore. I still smoke occasionally and get drunk now and again, but I definitely have a better head on my shoulders now. Luckily this happened early in my life and I was able to learn from it.
guess_the_acronym: Have you ever tried exercise to help with the depression? I suffer from depression really severely and exercise helps a lot. Even sitting in the sun for just 10-15 minutes a day will help too!
devilmadecake: Yes! Exercise definitely helps me. I usually go through phases where I exercise consistently for a few months, and then fall off the wagon for a bit. I'm sure you know how hard it is to get back into an exercise routine once you're at the bottom of the depression hole.
I had tried taking antidepressants here and there too, and while they help for a bit, I usually end up feeling like a zombie.
| 5 | 17 | |
1405214815 | 1405284792 | t3_2ajwpx | t5_2to41 | 18 | pizzafood2: TIFU by telling my gf to throw a blanket on her face
Today while having sex with my gf she said she was cold. Trying to be helpful, I threw her a blanket while saying, "throw it over your face or something." didn't take too long to realize what had just come out of my mouth
[deleted]: Uhh I don't get it
swg1324: Implying that she is ugly so in order to fuck her she needs to hide her face
[deleted]: Not really tifu worthy
swg1324: I agree
[deleted]: So why did you post here?
swg1324: I only answered the question I didn't make the post
[deleted]: No, you fucked up.
swg1324: What's my punishment???
[deleted]: You must have sex with 10 gorgeous women while they spoon feed you Nutella and bacon
swg1324: I know I shouldn't say this. I'm sorry reddit! But I actually hate bacon...
le_mous: You should throw a blanket over your face.
| 12 | 1.5 | |
1405220712 | 1405324610 | t3_2ak41v | t5_2to41 | 16 | hoksab: TIFU By giving my ex child support
I pay my ex by personal check every month and so far no issues. This month she was planning on going out of town on the day I usually give her the checks so I just went ahead a week early and thought I would be nice and write the checks this week and just date them for July 16th and July 30th. Any other time I have done this she had no problem with it and cashed/deposited them on the correct day.
Today I go to get gas and my card kept being declined. The guy was being nice saying "oh our system has been acting up today you can try the gas station down the street". At this point I am pissed because I have a feeling i know what happened. I check my account and sure as fuck the child support has been taken out and I am now negative hundreds of dollars in my account. Luckily we have good family to help and we have groceries and daycare paid for my other son or I would be fucked.
TIFU by trusting a succubus and going negative in my account.
USArentAmerica: She shouldn't have been able to cash both checks as of yet, you might want to talk to your/her bank about that.
hoksab: Ya thats the plan but I didn't find out until today after my bank closed and they are closed Sundays also so I'm just going to go Monday and figure out what happened.
[deleted]: In the US, banks do not have to honor the date on a check as long as it has not explicitly expired.
Source: been burned, read up. Google "post dated checks"
hoksab: Not the answer I was hoping for but you were right. I googled more and found out that I'm a bigger idiot than I thought. Thank you tho.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1405220397 | 1405257162 | t3_2ak3n6 | t5_2to41 | 16 | MrFlowa: TIFU by forgetting to switch my phone to silent.
So this happened earlier today and I'm still cringing inside.
Today was the day of my great Aunties wedding. I'm not the type of guy who likes to get dressed up all fancy like but I thought I'd make an effort to look nice so as not to embarrass the rest of my family. So there we we were, everyone from my brothers to great uncles and cousins and other people I can't even remember. Before the start of the ceremony, the vicar warns us to turn off or switch our mobiles to silent. I whip out my crapberry and turn it off. In comes my Auntie looking lovely in her gown. We sing some hymns, you know the average stuff. Everything goes fine *yadayada*.
This is where I fucked up.
As the vicar goes through all the technicalities, I'm getting a little restless. It was hot, I was sweating and my hips were aching after standing up for so long ( I have recurring problems with my hips )
I shuffle around a little, trying to make as little noise as possible. Then I plunge my hands into the depths of my trouser pockets. The vicar nears the end of his lines.
*If anyone here knows of any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now*
FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY
My phone had turned back on and with that, I received all the text messages that had been sent to me whilst it was switched off.
That was it, I flipped my shit. Head down, I ran from that church as quickly as I could, all the stone faced stares of distant relatives boring into the back of me.
Needless to say, I decided against going to the evening reception. Everyone's giving me the cold shoulder so I'm just going to sit in my bedroom, have a cold pint and wait for all this to blow over.
**TL;DR- Phone switched itself on during wedding, messages came through, Fuck her right in the pussy was the sound that accompanied them.**
WVGolfer: I'm more curious as to where you got that ringtone. I want it on my phone now.
awfullyawful: http://www.cellsea.com/ringtone/61566949/idk/fuck-her-right-in-the-pussy
Try that one perhaps...
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1405220927 | 1405250864 | t3_2ak4bd | t5_2to41 | 18 | Fender6969: TIFU by eating at a sketchy Indian restaurant.
My first TIFU post. This is a poop story, happened last month. The Chinese food story reminded me of that:
I was with my family and I met them at an Indian restaurant and I met up with my friends afterwords. As soon as I got there, I started sweating and I was pale and they asked me if I was okay. My stomach hurt but I have IBS so it usually passes. But this was different. So I told them I'm heading home and as soon as I sat down, it hit me. It was one of the worst gastrointestinal pain I have ever had. I Iived 10 minutes away and I managed to haul ass as I made It to my door in under 5. I ran up and sat down on the shitter.
The violence of this shit was something that I have never faced. My legs shot up mid air similar to those p90x ab workouts you see. And I was holding onto the sides of the toilet for stability, and as dropped the shit, I was in so much pain that I let out a King Kong like yell as my legs were airborne for a couple more minutes. As soon as it was all out, my legs finally returned to the floor and I proceeded to clean up. My brother who wasn't too far was absolutely scared shitless and had the phone ready to call for help.
TL;DR: Took a shit so hard my legs were airborne for minutes as I held on the the side of the rim for stability yelling like King Kong. Never eat sketchy Indian food.
chumpsRus: The shits that have you sweating are the most memorable...
^good^times...
Fender6969: Yeah definitely memorable experience which I learned from. NEVER eat sketchy Indian food.
| 3 | 6 | |
1405220717 | 1405396829 | t3_2ak423 | t5_2to41 | 13 | catrionaseawolf: TIFU by telling my boyfriend's catholic mother that we did the horizontal hanky panky while she was out (NSFWish)
Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house when his parents decided to go out and see a movie. Normally, he and I don't get a lot of alone time, and being (loud) horny teenagers, we jump on each other whenever we have an empty house to ourselves. The sex was great and super romantic, and we finished, cleaned up, and got the sexy stank aired out of his room long before his parents got home. We were in the basement watching videos and browsing reddit together when they got home. We were perfectly presentable, but my noticeable smoky eye makeup from this morning was gone because I'd had my face smushed in a pillow during sex.
As a bit of background, I'm into photography. My boyfriend had senior pictures today at five thirty, so I decided to go with him to watch the photographer frame the shots.
So my boyfriend's mother, who works at a fairly relaxed Catholic church, walked down the stairs to the basement to talk to us about the pictures. She suggested that I got a couple of pictures taken with him as a cute couple thing. I told her that I didn't really want any pictures taken because my makeup was smeared. She asked why, so I quickly formed a lie in my head about taking a nap and waking up with my face pressed into a couch cushion. It came out as, "Yeah, I kind of had my face smushed into a pillow for a while."
There was a really long pause, and I saw my boyfriend's eyes get wide. All she said was, "I see," and she walked upstairs. I could hardly look at her for the rest of the night. So, TIL not to make up a lie to parents that has even the most remote relation to beds and sex.
Typicalgold: HA! Awkward... so you like your face smushed into a pillow?
catrionaseawolf: it was just the position of the day
Typicalgold: what position is it today lol?
catrionaseawolf: Lol wouldn't you like to know, creep
Typicalgold: haha i am just messing around... all in good fun. This site is so hilarious for that...... love it!!!
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1405221812 | 1405297908 | t3_2ak5f2 | t5_2to41 | 108 | HoovesZimmer: TIFU by pulling a thread from my boxers. Light NSFW?
By the time I finish writing this, the fuck up may or may not have happened today. Anyway, on with the story.
It's Saturday and I had absolutely no work to do, so I decided on being a lazy, fat, vegetable for the day and just milled about in my underwear. The TV was on, but I was more preoccupied by my itchy balls than watching Hank of the Hill. After successfully completing my scratch session, I was about to retrieve my hands when I felt a loose thread from the inside of my boxers. Like any sane individual, I concluded the next step to remove such an annoyance would be a quick, hard, tug to snap the thread.
As it turns out, this thread (thin and strong, almost fit to be used as dental floss) was much longer than I anticipated. In addition, my fervent nut raking had caused the fiber to wrap itself in a makeshift noose around Mr. Richard. As I pulled the thread with all the force of starting a shitty lawnmower, my poor companion was met with a combination of sudden strangulation and laceration. I jerked in pain, further pulling on the snare and tightening it further.
My penis is currently wrapped in bloodied toilet paper, but I think any wounds are only superficial.
TL;DR: [I almost castrated myself with a thread from my underwear.](http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--aql5ACaO--/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/18fyy04k9t9qsjpg.jpg) SFW
the_j-man: Pics or it didn't happen.
dockingrockets: Gay
Aint_that_some_shyt: For science of course
| 4 | 27 | |
1405223809 | 1405259303 | t3_2ak7pl | t5_2to41 | 6,673 | sweepminja: TIFU By having cavities filled at the Dentist and popping wood NSFW
This actually happened earlier in the week.
I went to the Dentist Office to have two cavities filled by a super cute brunette dentist. I had just been numbed up with Novocaine and she came back in when I was drooling all over myself. She tells me to open my mouth so I do and she's sitting behind my head looking down. I noticed her breasts pressed up against my shaved head. Strangely I found this arousing as the office was cold and I could feel nipples. The whole time she's working in my mouth I'm thinking "Don't get hard". Well after about 10 minutes of her boobs mashed against the back of my head I got a boner. She actually notices it because she stops working on my teeth and giggles. I notice what she is looking at and it's the tent that had sprouted in my pants. I apologize incoherently with drool all over the place. She giggles again and tells me not to worry about it. She goes back to work on my teeth again with boobs mashed against my head.
I have an awesome dentist.
Thanks for the big response! I wasn't expecting this. This is the biggest response I've ever received!
Jdwigg: You should have offered to "tathe her ouff fur lunth"
sweepminja: Would have but, I'm married. Wife had the same thing happen to her when she was getting a root canal; minus the arousal. She thought my whole experience was amusing though. She was like only you would get a boner while someone drills in your teeth.
Edit: Better explanation
OldManInternetz: Your wife had a boner? :|
sweepminja: I edited it as soon as a realized the mistake! Hah!
sweepminja: "Soeey" I said. She snickers evilly... "It's okay it's natural" she said.
gaspah: The thing that can't possibly be natural is how there are so many incredibly hot women either working as dentist or their assistants in a manner that almost guarantees them giving you a face full of boob action.
This happens every time I go to the dentist and I've at most ever been to the same practice twice as I go to wherever is local to where I'm living at that time. Whether there is also a male or a non-incredibly hot female, it's only ever the hot boobs that rub against me.
I swear its some conspiracy or some secret dentist's code for calmer less petrified patients. **"Oh, you have a exaggerated apprehension over this high pitched sharp thing going into your mouth, well here have something soft and distractingly desirable pressed against you to forget all about it."**
[deleted]: Best, Policy, Ever. Until i feel it, since i don't take the Novacain.
gaspah: But why!??! for no to novocain? Now, I don't suffer from the iconic phobia and a about as apprehensive about a trip to the dentist (aside from the price-tag) as I would be say if I saw someone I had a small falling out with walking towards me out whilst shopping... But, by god man! There are some incredibly sensitive and unforgiving nerves around there. Aside from inner ear infections, toothaches have to be one of the biggest 'little terrors' when it comes to experiencing pain.
May I ask why you don't take the novocain? It's local with no narcotic effect, is it an allergy? cultural observance? a right of passage to become a man in the bear fighting, glass eating, headbutt lumber-jacking tribe of the insane?
[deleted]: I Don't Feel like taking it. I Give no fucks. Toothaches are annoying, but pain is just weakness leaving the body.
lovableMisogynist: In defence of this dude, I've had teeth drilled with zero drugs before (third world country, one cavity - the "dentist" found some more) you fade off into a weird pain high after a while... It hurts like fuck... But its amazing what you can take when you have no alternative.
[deleted]: "But its amazing what you can take when you have no alternative" Sounds like a line from a movie, right before someone rapes someone.
gaspah: The only movie I could think of when I read that was "Cast Away".
[deleted]: Wiiiiiiiiilson. Yes? NOT YOU DIRECTOR. NOW WE HAVE TO DO THE SCENE AGAIN. THANKS. THANKS ALOT.
| 14 | 476.642857 | |
1405224249 | 1405225090 | t3_2ak887 | t5_2to41 | 11 | kolomsg: TIFU by wet dreaming at my gf's parents house
This literally happened in the last 15 minutes (I think).
My girlfriend and I don't get to see each other very often but last night we met up and agreed that I'd stay the night at her parents. Anyway we proceeded to do whatever young couples do until 4am but since we were about 5 meters away from her parents bedroom there was no "release" for me. To put it bluntly, my balls looked like papa smurf.
Fast forward a few hours and I wake up in the guest bedroom having had a wet dream. Now, this would normally just be embarrassing but would not necessarily be found out. However, her mum is a proper clean freak - she washes the floor every day, Hoover's at 6am.
So I'm sitting on the bed contemplating my fuck up when I remember I have tissues in my bag. I start wiping the wet patch when suddenly the door opens and the mum comes in to return the vacuum cleaner to its rightful place (in the guest bedroom). I quickly snatch the covers over me to hide the stain on me and the bed and mumble that I woke up thirsty. Meanwhile the tissues are on the bed... I'm sure she saw them. Also, it's early morning here and they know that generally I sleep late.
I go to the bathroom to find some wet wipes and then go to the kitchen to get a drink. Both parents are sitting there and we start chatting and they ask me where we went and what we did last night.
To cut a long story short, I'm currently sitting by an even bigger wet patch having tried wiping up my jism with baby wipes waiting for it to dry to see the stain and attempting to come up with a reasonable excuse if found...
Wish me luck!
Edit: the wet wipes fucking worked!! No more splooge stain! Still a fuckup and still embarrassing that the mum walked in while I tried to clean and had to jump to cover up but at least will now be able to keep calm under interrogation if it comes to that
Zenqha: easy say you spilt a drink on the bed, much more forgivable then telling your gfs parent u came in their guest room :)
kolomsg: Shit. That's a good idea. Unfortunately when I went to the kitchen I drank two glasses of water in front of them saying I was really thirsty since I hadn't drunk enough. Water doesn't leave a stain....
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1405225156 | 1405591672 | t3_2ak996 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by ramming a child's face at Walmart.
A couple hours ago I was at Walmart and it was fairly crowded as usual, but I don't really care about that. However some aisles are very close to each other and narrow. Well I was coming out of one turning to my left and a kid about 6 or 7 comes running out and I hit him in the face with my shopping cart. His face was blank right after it happened but then he starts crying and his nose starts bleeding. I've never been in a situation like this, so I just kept telling him sorry and trying to calm him down while everyone stared at me in shock and anger. Then the kids parents come over and his dad says "what the fuck" then looks at me. I told them what happened and they said it was okay and told me to leave them alone. I left my stuff and left the store while people glared at me as I walked out.
TLDR: Hit a kid in the face with my shopping cart, his nose bled, got tons of death glares, his dad almost beat the shit out of me and left the store in shame without groceries.
AppleSponge: Kids..
namesareforlosers: Some parents...
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1405216847 | 1405257704 | t3_2ajz9i | t5_2to41 | 48 | eclipsedrambler: TIFU- By shooting my friends mom in the boob.
10 year old story, something Ill never live down with my friends, so fucked up its funny.
So I lived with my best friend, his mom and his brother during my senior year of high school. We would pass the evenings along in the basement. Sneaking out to get high or chug the occasional beer. Every once in a while this rat would be seen sneaking around. Since we were young and stupid we would try and catch it with lacrosse sticks or try and shoot it with a BB gun.
Well...one night...I was downstairs all by my lonesome. Stoned. This RAT just walks right up in front of me, stands on his haunches and just stares at me. Right in the eyes. DARING me. Taunting me. From 2 feet away, for at least 5 min(stoned time). I move a bit and he backs up slowly. I reach for a stick and the little fucker takes off. I don't stand a chance....
So quite pissed off, feeling challenged and belittled by this little rodent I get excited grab the gun pump it up and run upstairs to grab my friend. Being a young stoner I just completely forgot I was holding the BB gun. I run up two flights of stairs to the top floor yelling for my pal. Not thinking one bit about anything except that damn rat.
I run into his moms room and SNAP! The gun goes off! I look up and low and behold my friend and his mom are hanging up some new drapes on her window. She's on a ladder on the left and she seizes up, lets out a horrifying gasp and falls off the ladder with her hands over her breast and lands (luckily) on the bed. Straight out of a play I shit you not.
I CANT BELIEVE IT. Im so overwhelmed by what just happened. Theres a small moment of silence before my friends mom looks at me, then lifts her hand where theres a patch of blood right on her chest. She sits up as my friend just starts laughing hysterically "YOU SHOT MY MOM IN THE TITS!" he's loud, I'm in shock, WTF just happened. She runs to the bathroom to confirm. Comes back out with this look on her face......confirmed. We all sat around for 30 min or so in disbelief, laughing, she took it pretty well. How could you not laugh?
It's not a bad wound, but the BB stayed in. She gave me a good what for, and I returned to the basement humiliated and still in shock. BUZZ GONE. After a while my buddy comes downstairs just laughing his ass off and giving me a well deserved hard time.
The next day she goes to the doctor and it turns out the BB bounced off her chest plate down through said boob and lodges itself underneath. So they had to go in lift that puppy up and cut it out from underneath. She brought it home for me to see and to make me squirm a little.
And that was the time I blasted my friends mom in her boob with a BB gun. Let be known now that I am now well versed in firearm safety, and smart enough to just set a trap when I see vermin. And also, most importantly I know how to be stoned proper and not stupid.
Creepermoss: Pellet guns are an excellent way to kill rodents. The last house I lived in, had a BAD mouse problem, which I didn't discover until we'd already moved in. My pistol has 18 confirmed kills on the furry little fuckers, and zero boobs injured so far.
AppleSponge: I gib u 1 key for stattrak pls
Victort2712: Lol csgo
| 4 | 12 | |
1405223755 | 1405310528 | t3_2ak7no | t5_2to41 | 410 | camelbattle: TIFU by peeing on my cat.
I was smoking a cigarette and hanging out in my backyard, with my cat chilling out by my feet. I decided that I'd rather pee outside as God intended, and after checking my left and right to ensure no neighbors happened to be around, whipped my penis out and began to urinate.
My cat decided that my stream was fascinating, and proceeded to start chasing it around batting at it and receiving one hell of a golden shower. At this point, stopping wasn't even an option, so I had to adjust my aim all over the place with him chasing it around like a laser dot, getting his head pissed on every few seconds.
He's fucking soaked in piss smgdh.
Dudesweet666: My cats LOVE hanging out in the bathroom. One of them was on top of the toilet right as my boyfriend had just lifted the seat. I jokingly said something about how he "better not pee on the cat..." Well, Kitten thought it would be a great time to jump down and walk around the toilet bowl, and BAM. She was covered from head to toe, because when it hit her, she ran into even more. She began to lick it off, which caused my boyfriend to nearly die of laughter. I was....pissed.
singularsensation1: If she actually enjoyed licking it, check and see if it tastes sweet. If so, get him checked for diabetes.
cindyscrazy: Cats can't taste sweet. They don't have the right receptors.
singularsensation1: I meant if the pee tastes sweet lol. The BF may have diabetes if it does.
cindyscrazy: True, true! But the cat will enjoy it regardless. Cats are weird.
| 6 | 68.333333 | |
1405228889 | 1405230967 | t3_2akda6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by hooking my coworker up with a girl at the pool
This was from about 7 years ago, but I felt it had to be shared with someone.
Anyways, I flew to Florida for a convention. I was 18 and had decided for some odd reason that it was important to have a girlfriend at that time. My coworker was 27, there to help me with the work convention and was also my former boss. (I moved to helpdesk management and he was over our customer service department). We decided before the convention was underway that we would go to the pool and check the hotel out. The hotel was huge and overrun by a lot of different people, one being a very hot girl in her mid twenties.
Since I had a girlfriend at the time, I pressured him until he finally started talking to her. They seemed to hit it off so I went swimming and then went to dinner.
Fast forward to later that night. I got home, got back to our room and went to sleep; work was early the next morning and I didn't have anything better to do, but apparently he did.
At about 1 in the morning I hear him stroll into the bedroom, hop in bed and start going for something. I wasn't sure if he decided to change in his bed which was about 3 feet away from mine or just couldnt get comfortable.
This was until I turned around to see the girl he had talked to earlier facing towards me, with her eyes closed and hand covering her mouth so she wouldnt wake me up.
Thankfully with that queue, I turned around and stared at the wall wishing I would have been asleep.
TL;DR - Pressured coworker into talking to a girl, listened to them have sex in the room I was sleeping in.
[deleted]: TIFU Part II: you didnt go for the 3some. that lucky lotto ticket was in your lap.
Takax: That was his 1 chance and he fucked up
| 3 | 1 | |
1405229277 | 1405258109 | t3_2akdo2 | t5_2to41 | 22 | DionStabber: TIFU by using possibly the worst comeback ever
Back in Year 7 (in Australia that's the first year of high school) I was often harassed by the "cool" guys. But one day, they came up to me and tried to invite my to a party at one of their houses. I knew they were up to something: there is no reason why they would do something like that. I assumed the party wasn't real and tried to get out of it. So one guy, Mark, asked "Hey, Dion, are you going to the party at Max's place on Saturday?". I told him that I didn't want to, but he was disappointed and tried to get me back into it. The problem was when he said " There'll be giiiiiiiirls there!!!" And suddenly I realised it. In that split second, the best comeback EVAR was just waiting to be said. So I said it. "THAT'S WHY I DON'T WANT TO COME :) !!!!!!!!!!!!" So I walked away. I put my dark sunglasses on. Everything behind me exploded, but I took absolutely no notice of the fire that was slowly catching up to me. *I* was now the cool kid in school , as I had just defeated the old ruler of the playground and claimed his throne. Then it hit me. I just told a homophobic 13 year old that I didn't want to go to his place for the sole reason of girls being there. Dammit.
articuno1_au: Heathen southerner.. Grade 8 is highschool in QLD!
DionStabber: I hear it's like that in WA too (I'm in NSW)
Pickselated: Yeah but it's changing to 7 next year in WA
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1405233219 | 1405380345 | t3_2akh97 | t5_2to41 | 84 | AshieeRose: TIFU by farting with a G-string on.
My boyfriend loves when I wear intimate underwear, so I've made it a habit to do so as much as possible. Today was no exception.
I'm sitting on the computer working on my hobby and browsing Reddit, when I feel the need to fart. I'm comfortable doing this in front of my partner, but prefer to be as quiet as possible since he laughs whenever I let loose.
So I let it out, thinking it'll be a quiet one, when all of a sudden I hear this gigantic whistling noise come from my ass. The string had covered my ass in a way that the fart came out in a tight space, and it shook the entire string. That tickled. I laughed like an idiot.
I heard it over my headphones which are playing music, and my boyfriend is sitting 4ft from me. 99% chance that he heard my musical toot. Damn it.
TL;DR: *-whistle-*
PM_ME_CHUBBY_CHICKS: You should experiment by pulling up or down on your underwear and see if you can't whistle a tune.
Foreigncarwhipper: I would imagine that if you pull it while passing, the vibrations would be absorbed by your fingers, like when you bang a spoon and then touch it. I am no physicist but i like to think that i am smart.
Bennett713: Can confirm. I'm from /r/shittyaskscience
brye_guy: so what would be the best material to make a thong whistle?
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1405223404 | 1405388336 | t3_2ak78c | t5_2to41 | 4 | suigenic: TIFU by carelessly clicking
Earlier today at about 7 I was browsing /r/guro (I know.) before I was going to hang out with some friends. They called and said where to meet so I got off the computer, headed over, all that. We had a fun time.
I got home and my parents are sitting on the couch looking at tile or something, cool. I open my laptop and a particularly graphic picture pops up as my background. I accidentally saved one of the guro pics as a background, and if my dad got on to check my internet history (which he does often) he was greeted with a tentacle-infested cut apart loli girl. I want to sink into the couch and die.
folsam: Try private browsing/incognito mode next time.
suigenic: I was in incognito, he didn't see it in my history. I must have clicked it or something to make it my desktop, I don't know what happened.
genericname1231: Do you still have the pic??
suigenic: I can't find it saved anywhere, but I could probably find a link pretty easily.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1405704495 | 1405711440 | t3_2akkb3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | TopShelfQueen: Happened to me too. I was shocked at how bad it stings.
MrAbernathy: Seriously, I freaked out for a little bit because I thought I was gonna go blind,
TopShelfQueen: I'm gay so this was actually good training. At the time I felt pretty degraded though.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405234341 | 1405348888 | t3_2aki70 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Sohcahtoa82: TIFU by running a VNC server on my computer so I can access it remotely
To those that don't know, a VNC server allows you to access your desktop remotely. VNC servers exist for all major operating systems, Windows, Linux, and Mac. I run it so I can do things like start downloading a movie or installing a large game patch before I leave work so it'll be ready when I get home.
Of course, I'm not an idiot, I know shit like this is dangerous and needs to be secured. It had a password, and I was running it on a non-default port to keep it hidden.
But apparently that didn't stop someone.
I got to my computer after eating dinner, moved my mouse, but I noticed the pointer kept moving back to where it was. I was like "wtf?" Then I noticed what was going on on my second monitor. It looks like someone was about to buy a $2,500 MacBook Pro using a billing address for some poor lady in Washington with a shipping address of someone in New York.
Strange, I'm not a fan of Macs.
I let go of the mouse. The pointer kept moving. Instantly, I knew exactly what was going on. I look at the system tray to see that the icon for the VNC server was black, indicating someone is connected to it and has full access to my desktop.
Fuck.
Seeing as someone else was fighting for control of my pointer, I just reached back and pulled out my network cable.
I pulled my hard drive and plugged it into another computer to scan it for malware. Who knows what kind of bugs could have been put on it.
I also called the police and filed a report. I don't really expect them to do much, but I wanted to cover my ass if the woman from Washington notices a bad charge from on her credit card from the Apple store and they traced the IP back to me.
I also looked at my VNC server logs. Turns out that person had actually connected to my computer on three other occasions, but only for about 30 seconds each time. I was using my computer all of those times, so I'm guessing they noticed and disconnected to not raise suspicion.
So yeah...I don't think I'm ever going to run a VNC server again. Even with a password and a different port, someone still got onto it. Whether they brute-forced the password or I got a keylogger, I don't know, but now I'm weary about running one again.
TL;DR - Ran a remote-access server, some asshole in Egpyt (Oh yeah, the IP that connected to me is from someone in Egypt) used it to use my computer as a proxy for fraud.
Ramast: You should always use latest version of this kind of software
http://www.hacking-tutorial.com/hacking-tutorial/5-simple-steps-bypass-real-vnc-authentication/#sthash.737uIQyJ.dpbs
EDIT:
As an Egyptian myself, you can understand why I wish you are wrong in your assumption.
so if I may ask what was the country of the shipping address
Sohcahtoa82: I was using TightVNC, the latest version, which supposedly isn't vulnerable to the authentication bypass vulnerability.
The shipping address was in the USA, but it was to a shipping company in New York. However, the IP address that connected to me belonged to someone in Egypt.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Or at least, was passed through Egypt.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1405239588 | 1405243870 | t3_2akm3j | t5_2to41 | 17 | Mypoordog: TIFU by taking my dog out to play.
This was just a few hours ago. I feel so sick I can't even function.
My dog, Izzy, loves to chase laser light. I take her out almost every night to chase the light from our yard through the empty two lots next to us and back. She waits for it every night. As soon as the kids are in bed she dances around going from the front door to me and back again. As soon as I grab the laser she runs through the house sliding across our linoleum floor. I open the door and she bolts out front.
The problem with today is that my husband had to move our truck and black trailer to the yard because the city is working on our drains. My dog went out the door and started running before I had the door shut. I heard her hit the trailer and yelp. It sounded bad but she hardly reacted and wanted to keep running. I pointed the laser down and noticed she was acting off but wanting to play. I called her up to the porch and she ran up bouncing around. It took a second for me to realize one of her eyes was pushed back deep into her socket. I ran in and yelled for my husband. We needed to take her to the emergency vet. I called my mom to come over.
My kids heard me yelling for my husband so they got up and were very upset. I was trying not to pass out and started sweating heavily. It was the worse thing you could ever imagine. I knew the trailer was there. It had been for four days and she has been out there every day hanging out. I hadn't ran her since we put it there because I was thinking it would be moved. She really needed to go play so I was going to go to a different part of the yard. She was just out and running so fast. I can't believe I took her out. I should have waited or made her stay close until we got to the other side.
I was not able to go to the vet with her because I was trying to stay conscience. My kids were crying and I was trying to tell them she would be ok.
She is still at the Vet. Her face is broken. Her eyeball got pushed behind her nose. I feel so bad. I can't even describe how awful. I have the best dog in the world and I walked her right into excruciating pain that will change her life forever. I don't even know how bad it is yet. They are doing X-rays to see how bad it is. She will have to go to a specialist on Monday. I can't even imagine what this is like for her. Then she has to come home for a day and just wait to see a surgeon. I feel sick and anxious. I wish I would have just taken her upstairs for bed. She is the greatest dog. I really really fucked up today. I'm so sorry Izzy.
Update on Izzy: She came home at 4 am. Her face is broke in two places. They were able to move her eye back better than I thought they would. She still may lose it. The ER Vet sent her xrays to a specialist that will review them and call us Monday morning. She is very mellow but seems to be in a good place.
Synestersyn: Oh no! I'm really terribly sorry. I know how you feel though. I used to have an inside/outside cat. He was the best cat in the world. I had let him out one night and heard what sounded like cats fighting about an hour later. I didn't think much of it so I was just continuing on with cleaning. After about 5 minutes I still heard the noise, so I went outside to see if I could get him to come inside. When I opened that door I was in absolute hysterics. There on the front lawn was my cat being eviscerated by a neighbors dog. I was screaming for my boyfriend and roommate. I just couldn't handle it and had a total break down. We ended up having to put him down and I was a wreck for a long time. If I hadn't let him out it wouldn't have happened.
Needless to say I no longer allow my cats to be indoor/outdoor.
Try not to beat yourself up though. You had no idea it could have happened and it was an accident. I hope for a speedy recovery! Keep us updated!
Mypoordog: That's so awful. I'm sorry. The feeling of just wishing so hard you could change it. Knowing they are in pain is the worst feeling. I don't wish this on anyone. :(
It's been a hard night. I'm so glad my mom was able to come right over. My poor dog.
Thank you for reaching out.
Synestersyn: Things will get better. If they thought there was nothing to be done then they would have put her down. Just try to look on the bright side. Accidents happen, that's just life. Lots of virtual hugs sent your way (totally in a non creepy way :P).
Mypoordog: Will totally take all the virtual non creepy hugs! That's a good point. I hope it right too. They are still looking her over. They had to put her under for the X-rays and exam. I really hope that as bad as it is the information they have is positive. It is 2 am right now. I hope they call soon.
Synestersyn: Does she seem to be in any pain? If not they MAY do surgery to remove the eye if it's damaged and maybe do some reconstructive surgery for the broken bones if need be. But I don't believe they would have done all of this if they were to just put her down. I have my fingers crossed for you, your family and Izzy!
Mypoordog: Thank you. She was still moving around and active but disoriented. I only saw her for about a minute after I realized it. Most of it was panicked and trying to get hubby to come down stairs and getting her to stop moving then calling my mom and hearing the kids crying. I got dizzy and my hearing started to fade and I was sweating. I should have held it together better but I think knowing that I caused it was all I could handle. I have spent the last 15 months recovering from a brain injury. I can't imagine my dog having to. I hope her brain is ok. My eye got pretty messed up too.
Thank you for the support. Izzy really is a great dog.
Synestersyn: I'm glad to hear that you're recovering well.
I'm sure no one blames you for falling apart. It's how we react when those that we are close to and love get hurt. I certainly did the same thing in your shoes and no one held it against me.
Mypoordog: Thanks. I am glad you are able to have indoor cats. I hope time has helped with the healing process.
| 9 | 1.888889 |
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