start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1405240038 | 1405280183 | t3_2akmec | t5_2to41 | 95 | MILLANDSON: TIFU by answering the door
So, early yesterday morning I was sat at my computer in the lounge, just in my boxers and a t-shirt, having been chatting with a girl I really like for about 7 hours throughout the night. I'd had a few energy drinks, but I was still pretty much half-asleep on my feet chatting, and fairly aroused from the topics of conversation, when I heard a knock at the door.
"It's a Saturday, who the hell is knocking at 8am?" I thought, but not one to just ignore someone knocking, I grabbed my dressing gown, threw it on, and went to the door.
Turned out it was two young-ish girls, I'd have said 18-20 years old. I could tell from the magazines they were holding, called Watchtower, that they were Jehovah's Witnesses. I know most people would just shut the door again, but I wasn't brought up to be impolite.
"Hi there," one of them said, "have you ever thought about the light of Christ? Would you mind talking about..."
She just stopped, blinked, and turned around quickly and walked off quickly, obviously flustered. The second one kept looking at me for about 10 seconds, looking me over with an appraising eye, before running off after her quickly departing friend.
"What the hell was that about?" I thought... before I looked down, and realised that my dressing gown hadn't been closed, I was still semi-aroused, and the button on the flies of my boxers hadn't been done up, and they had seen *everything*.
My crush laughed her fucking ass off when I told her, and though it was funny, I really feel bad for those girls, because they *couldn't* have expected that.
TL;DR - Half-asleep aroused guy doesn't cover up properly, exposes himself to two innocent teenage Jehovah's Witnesses.
AmericaPrince: Lets be real you did it on purpose...
fa53: And they were 14-16.
MILLANDSON: Nah, I'm not really into ephebophilia man, sorry.
[deleted]: TIL what an ephebophile is
RalphWaldoNeverson: Reddit's new word for pedos
| 6 | 15.833333 | |
1405237470 | 1405257107 | t3_2akklk | t5_2to41 | 9 | crackedandconfused: TIFU by talking to my ex
To start off, myself and my ex have been trying to get past differences since our breakup this past April, just trying be friends. Fast toward to tonight. We are texting and we get into an argument. I get pissed and stop replying back because I was already irritated and it was just aggravating me further. So of course I come to reddit to cool off, look at cute kitty pictures, gonewild, whatever to put me at ease (on my mobile, by the way). I tap to open the multireddit menu, and it closes while I'm scrolling. I do this several times before my anger gets the better of me and I throw my phone. When I say throw, I don't mean lightly tossed, like if you threw it down on your couch. I mean full arm, MLB-no hitter kind of throw. Screen first. At the wall. Charger still plugged in. I'm fucking genius every now and then. Anyways, the touchscreen is pretty fucked, although the display still works, and I'm posting this from it, so damage is only cosmetic. But still. The screen is crackier than a bunch of hookers at a plumber's convention. Cracked is obvious. Confused is mostly me just wondering why I do things that I know are gonna piss me off in the end.
Crazyman4263: No, today you fucked up by not controlling your anger...
crackedandconfused: I'm not gonna disagree with you.
| 3 | 3 | |
1405241510 | 1405357788 | t3_2aknds | t5_2to41 | 176 | vanillasada: TIFU by leaving my nudes folder open.
For years and years I've kept a folder that I keep ALL of my pictures in. I take a lot and I'm lazy, so instead of organizing them I just shove them all into one folder. This includes nudes of me.
I thought I wasn't doing anything today, so I figured it'd be the perfect time to go though the folder and clean out any super old pictures. As I went through the pictures deleting them, I eventually came across this really old, close up picture of my vagina. While I was laughing at how bad of a shot it was, the doorbell rang. This is where I fucked up.
Instead of actually closing the picture and folder, I minimized them before I left to answer the door. My brother and his son (my nephew) arrived. I forgot that I had told him I would keep my nephew for a while today since he had to go do a few things. After a short chat, my brother and I say our farewells and he leaves. My nephew asked if he could use my computer to play Minecraft. Of course I let him. The last few times I had him over, the game kept him quiet and everything went fine. After making sure that's running fine for him, I go sit down and watch tv in the other room. I didn't notice the minimized pic/folder, and had completely forgot about them.
After about an hour I hear "Aunt Vanillasada, what's this?!", and think he's talking about something in Minecraft. As I walk into the room, I see him staring at the screen, wide eyed, and I wonder what exactly he's seeing. I get wide eyed too after I see what he's looking at. Turns out my nephew somehow tabbed out of Minecraft and was staring at that damn close up picture of my vag. Going into complete panic mode, I immediately say the first thing that comes to mind. "It's raw meat." I quickly close the picture and folder, and he gives me this weird look. I just bring up Minecraft again and tell him to keep playing, which he does. I then go sit down in the other room again, traumatized and thinking about WTF just happened.
**TLDR: Nephew accidentally saw a picture of my meat locker, possibly scared for life or something.**
(Also sorry for any spelling mix ups, england is not my native language.)
pm_me_your_tits_ple: Hahahaha! Depends OP, how old is your Nephew??
vanillasada: He's 6, so maybe he'll just not remember. ┐('～`；)┌
I just hope he doesn't have a random flashback or revelation one day, lol.
pm_me_your_tits_ple: Hahahahaha, don't worry, I don't remember anything when I was six
he won't remember a thing when he is old enough to know what a vagina looks like you're safe.
Qwertification: I remember a lot from being 6 even some from as back as 3 but it's few things until 6. Hopefully OP's nephew isn't Ike me.
pm_me_your_tits_ple: OP's vagina better be that good looking...
| 6 | 29.333333 | |
1405241650 | 1405250233 | t3_2akngo | t5_2to41 | 5 | idonegoofed1: TIFU by kissing a girl
I am an asshole, a fuck up, and any other word you can use to degrade and insult a person.
Today, I really fucked up.
Background: In a relationship with an awesome girl for the past 9 months, been a LDR while she is home from school for the summer for about 2 months.
Okay. So now, story time. My friend, lets call him Taylor, wants to get with this girl, lets call her Cat. So I had been wingmanning for Taylor for the past couple weeks, trying to get him and Cat together. Tonight it was just the 3 of us, dorm drinking, when for some reason I can't even remember, Cat and I kissed. It wasn't long, or passionate, or anything, but it did happen. And Taylor was pissed, and left. Of course I followed him and we met up outside his dorm. He wanted to kick my ass. I was telling him to hit me because I deserved it, which he refused to do unless I hit first. Which I wasn't going to do because I caused this massive fuck up. So anyways, we got word that RAs were coming around because we were being loud so I dip out and start walking.
I called maybe 8-10 people until one finally was up at 3 AM and answered. He just told me to do the right thing, so I thought about it some more and called up my girlfriend. She started crying before I even told her because she knew something was wrong. And I proceeded to talk to her for about an hour, during which I kept walking. Just Googled Maps'd it and walked about 3.2 miles, but was near a hotel my friend, Andy, worked the night shift at. So I went in, gave him a rundown and got some blueberry muffins. Ended up calling a cab, who was pretty chill and knocked my tab down to all the cash I had on me ($12 to $11) after I told him my story. And I just got dropped off maybe 20 minutes ago and am now back in my dorm alone and needed to get this off my chest. I am an asshole.
Smokebillowing: You don't deserve 8-10 people who you can call...
Dannovision: Don't listen to this. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. Seeing as you are still in school you are learning. Yeah you messed up. But you recognized it right away and felt the remorse. As lobg as you leaen from mistakes. People should not judge you. Depending on severity. Kissing some coed Your friend has been striking out with for three weeks is not horrible. Chances arw this girl saw how similaf you and your friends personalities were, but also saw how you were putting in so much effort for your friends happiness. you simply tipped the balance in your favor. Taylor cant be mad she likes you. Your girlfriend can be mad you kissed another girl. But may be able to get over it. College is about developping yourself. Love life is a huge part of how you will succeed in life and you are getting your moneys worth with this project.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405243780 | 1405273980 | t3_2akotl | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally being naked in front of my mom. [NSFW]
This actually happened a couple of weeks ago but still pretty embarrassing.
Anyway its worth noting that I have gotten into a habit of sleeping nude and walk about our house nude when my parents are off on trips or just out. So after either I had taken a shower or I was getting into bed (horrible memory I know) I thought I heard someone moving in the room next to mine and I had figured it was just a noise but it could also have been my mom that is now home.
So I step outside of my room into the dimly lit hallway (this is important) and wait and see what happens. But before I can react my mother steps out of the room and see's me standing there. I look wide eyed in shock for a split second then practically jump into my room and close the door and HOPE that she didn't notice I was actually naked as she's seen me in my underwear before and like I said the hallway was dimly lit so I'm not sure.
Anyway neither of us have mentioned anything about it and I think she just brushed it off...but that is no sight a parent wants to see.
imnotslimshady: dude... she wiped shit off your ass for a couple years of your life. your dad probably watched you emerge from your mothers vagina. they bathed you. what do you mean, "but that is no sight a parent wants to see" a parent doesn't want to see you snorting cocaine or shooting up meth, a parent doesn't want to see you jerking it to midget porn, a parent doesn't want to see you walking across the street without looking both ways. seeing your dimly lit penis probably doesn't matter to your parents.
[deleted]: You see we aren't the most...sexual family out there. We never mention porn or sex or anything like that and we don't do nudity as a regular thing. But we are not super religious or anything so if we were this situation could have gone down a WHOLE lot worse.
But you are right there are WAY worse things that could have happened...but the way I act never really talking about anything to do with sex it could have come as a big surprise to her.
freads: Fuck you dude.
i_pk_pjers_i: Wait wait wait... What? Why did you say fuck you and why is he getting downvoted? I'm legitimately confused.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1405242788 | 1405428924 | t3_2ako6n | t5_2to41 | 3 | lewis7878: TIFU by scolding F you to my teacher
Not me, but my friend.
World cup finals is happening soon, so me and my friends had a whatsapp group where we discuss who would win. So one of my friends, let's call him Mike, sent "sie fick " in the group in attempt to speak German. Most of us get that it means "fuck you", but another friend, let's call him Ron, didnt realise it. Hence they were all fucking with him since he is usually very gullible and naive and we said it meant "good morning " in German. Being the idiot he is, he believed and sent a message to our teacher "Sie Fick, Ms ____".
So here we are, trying to cover this up, hoping our teacher never translated this.
TL;DR My friend sent "fuck you" to our teacher thinking it meant good morning.
Odwar: Why did he text his teacher that's weird
Dongwongshmong: He shouldn't have a way to contact your teacher anyway, games, social media and whatnot, unless it's for sending homework and reminders and stuff like that.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405246412 | 1405278394 | t3_2akqg6 | t5_2to41 | 127 | chunkyluverr: TIFU by sending my love interest a photo of my moobs. (NSFW) just in case
OK so I'm not the thinnest of guys. I'm pretty fat.
I've been talking to this girl I met at work for a while. We talk a lot through Skype, cellphones etc and I'd like to think I've gotten pretty close to her. I've been wishing to take it to the next level.
Sometimes we have pretty strange conversations. Today was no different; just a stupid debate between difference of moobs and boobs (don't ask, we just talk about that crap. It's kinda why I feel close to her) and I said, as a joke
'If girls take nudes showing breasts, can't a guy show his moobs?' I was joking, it was banter, and she played along.
'Oh totally. It's such a lady boner...' I'm fully aware that we were both joking around but as a spur of the moment I thought it would make her laugh if I sent her a moob selfie. I made a creepy face to go along with it, for the laughs. But as soon as I sent I realised how weird it was.
Suffice to say, she didn't reply. I saw her at work today and she actively avoided me. In fact, she looked almost traumatised.
Sanctuaryman: She made you feel like a dumbass for doing something that she told you was okay. Thats a bitch move not taking responsibility for something thats her fault and trying to make you feel like youre the freak. Fuck that bitch
john_kennedy_toole: I think it's pretty clear she was being sarcastic, as in, please never ever show me your man boobs, ever. Crossed signals, I guess. Calling her a bitch for his failure to detect sarcasm is pretty harsh.
WeirdIdeasCO: But how else is he gonna feel better about himself if he doesn't shift the blame to her!
| 4 | 31.75 | |
1405233061 | 1405257813 | t3_2akh4k | t5_2to41 | 16 | Stormtrooper1510: TIFU by drinking half of my team's piss.
Well, we all just graduated high school and all of us were sitting around reflecting on what had been our final year of football (American football for any Europeans reading this). Anywho we are reflecting on memories from football at this point, Good memories, bad memories, and funny ones. One of my buddies proceeds to say "Remember that time when we thought they were going to replace the hose to the water horse and we all pissed in it to try and get Sergio soaked with our pee pee (Staff member that we are friends with)!?" And then how they didn't replace it and we all had to drink our own piss when they hooked it back up again! Everybody busts up laughing, hell even I do because it was so damn funny. Then it hit me. WAT. I don't remember peeing in a hose at all during practice. I don't remember seeing them pee in the hose. I drank out of the water horse every chance I fucking got because fuck hot weather. So today I realized I just drank half of my teams piss because I was changing my pads from my game gear to my practice gear... FAK MEH.
tinykoalaa: I find it midly disturbing that you didn't taste the pee. And btw, the rest of the world calls it football, not just the Europeans.
theavailabletree: The 2nd part isn't true. Most, but not all.
tinykoalaa: Well if only the US, Canada, Australia and New Zealand call it Soccer then my reasoning is that the amount of countries in the rest of the world (192 out of 196 countries) is so high that I can generalise that. But what you said is true, not all countries.
Edit: typo's
TesttseTTesttseT: [Here is a map.]
(http://i.imgur.com/2GHdRDg.jpg)
tinykoalaa: Guess there are more countries (I just factchecked on wikipedia). But still, big majority calls it football.
Ontopic: You fucked up.
TesttseTTesttseT: How did I fuck up?! I'm a different person!
tinykoalaa: I obviously meant OP. Hence the ontopic.
| 8 | 2 | |
1405248944 | 1405323628 | t3_2aks0m | t5_2to41 | 11 | Chrisbyy: TIFU by cheating on my girlfriend with my ex, while telling my ex that I wasn't with anyone.
Okay so basically a couple of days ago I went round my ex girlfriends house to clear the bad blood between us, because we'd been arguing still since the day we broke up. 9 months earlier. I was intending to tell her about my new girlfriend, but instead, I ended up having sex with her.
I know, big mistake.
Today she found out that I'm actually with a new girlfriend, consequently, she messages my new girlfriend, telling her about how I went over and had sex with her. I fucked up real bad. As of now, two girls hate me, I hate myself, and I know everybody in the whole world probably looks at me with a frown on their face. Funny thing is, I don't even know why I had sex with my ex, I really, really like my girlfriend. Love her, even. I guess im just an idiot. Im sorry.
Edit: talking to them both now, my current girlfriend (maybe) hasn't actually said she is leaving me. My ex is shouting at me via text. And in sat here dazed and confused thinking 'what the hell have I done'.
jeromius: Hey, if you ever sell the movie rights to this story, just take comfort in the fact that you'll probably be played by Matthew McConaughey.
peachflesh: That movie sounds alright alright alright.
pigslayer123: Up vote for creepy guy who likes high schoolers reference.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1405257035 | 1405479219 | t3_2aky0e | t5_2to41 | 83 | mypoopsmellsbad: TIFU by throwing my fleshlight over a fence and into my neighbors yard
This happened two days ago, and I just heard about it yesterday.
So I bought a fleshlight a few weeks ago to try it out. It was interesting at first but it got old. I decided I would rather go back to the hand after 5 or 6 uses. I decided to get rid of it. Well, I am one of *those* guys who can't just throw a rubber vagina in the trash can. Why do that when you can totally weird someone out with it? I went out into my fenced back yard and indiscriminately threw it into a neighbors yard. There are neighbors all around so the recipient couldn't peg this on any one house. *hehehe, this will totally blow someones mind when they find it*. Well, a day passes and my roommate (who is a professional and 40 and would never do something like this) asks me if I know anything about it because the neighbor mentioned it to him. I said no and acted like it was strange and funny. Next thing he says is " where is yours". Well, Im sure my face gave me away in that exact moment. You see, my roommate would never snoop through my room, but he WOULD go into my room to get his dog out; which has happened many times as I let his dog in my room often. My roommate said he saw it once laying out and, after hearing from the neighbor, decided to go in my room to see if he could see it again. Well, I decided to own up to it at that point. Our relationship is going to be worse after this as this guy is NOT a fuck around guy like I am. He is in upper management at a production plant and we are not even good enough friends to talk about owning fleshlights. He and I are basically just roommate acquaintances and I am in HIS house.
I guess this is why people don't do shit like this. ah well
Tulabean: lol dumbass. So do you think he's not going to renew your lease/evict you?
DarnoldMcRonald: I don't know why you got downvoted, you sound like what a real friend would say if they heard that story.
Tulabean: I thank you for seeing my comment in the spirit it was intended, kind stranger!
With regard to the down vote: I don't even pay attention to whether people up or down vote my comments. 'Cause the whole vote system is about as real as Santa Claus & the Easter Bunny blowing the Tooth Fairy.
Deschill18: So, I can't find the link, but that *totally* happened one time...
I swear...
Tulabean: ~~I'm very confused by your response to my comment....are you saying that you believe Santa, the Easter Bunny & the Tooth Fair are real?.....~~
Sorry; I just woke up. Clearly I needed some caffeine before I tried to make sense of the world. If you find that link, send it my way!
Deschill18: I'm confused by *your* comment. Are you implying that the Easter Bunny, Santa and the Tooth Fairy are, in fact, fake?
I found the [link.](http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Easter+bunny+Santa+tooth+fairy+porno&form=HDRSC3&first=1#view=detail&mid=2BA27FA36C99F116087E2BA27FA36C99F116087E) However, it seems they have edited the video. In the old version there was *most definitely* a threesome between the Easter Bunny, Santa and the Tooth Fairy.
Tulabean: Yikes; I'm too afraid to look at that video!
Deschill18: **JUST DO IT!!**
Tulabean: Alright alright!....I'm doing it. Geeeeesh.
Ok, I can see I was being a scaredy-dork. That was actually pretty cute! I wouldn't mind seeing that movie. Thanks for the link, kind stranger!
Deschill18: That's what I'm here for. You take it easy now, sir.
Tulabean: *But I'm a lady....*
Deschill18: That's what I'm here for. You take it easy now, miss.
Tulabean: =D
| 14 | 5.928571 | |
1405258120 | 1405309178 | t3_2akyyu | t5_2to41 | 79 | sagull: TIFU by reading about foreskins
So let me start off by saying that I am 16 year old, male, and I am un-circumcised.
As you know, most of the men in America are circumcised, I believe the number was 65%, so 65% of american men have had their foreskins cut off. Meanwhile, because of my parents' beliefs, I am not. I've still got my skin. Now, growing up, this was a problem for me. In the locker room I'd get teased and called anteater and it made me really insecure about my own dick. I considered asking my mother if I could go and get circumcised but I ultimately decided against it after hearing about all the benefits of being un-circumcised.
A couple of years down the road and I'm in my junior year of high school. Naturally, everyone around me is fucking like rabbits. I hope that at one point, hopefully soon, I will also be part of the fun. So in preparation for that moment when I do begin having sex, I've decided to try putting on a condom. Heres where I run into a problem. Nowhere on the internet is there a tutorial that shows you how to put a condom on an erect, un-circumcised penis with its [frenulum] (http://www.mhs.hk/web/userfile/content/frenulum.jpg) still intact. So I had no idea what to do. In porn, I've only seen circumcised penises, so when the guy put on a condom it just slid on with ease. My initial idea was to try pulling the foreskin up and then sliding the condom on, this kind of worked, except for the fact that a huge air bubble was created every time I stroked. So that was no good. I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to pull my foreskin back, over the head of my penis, and then put the condom on over the exposed head. The problem is, in the 16 years I have been alive I don't think I've ever pulled back my foreskin that far. Of course I pull it back a tiny bit when I shower to clean it and what not, but I've never pulled it back to reveal more then two centimeters of my head. Because of this, my frenulum is still fully intact and the head of my penis is extremely sensitive. I gave up after I tried pulling it back and got pretty far but then chickened out. After that I haven't worried about it much.
Come today and I have this great dream while I'm asleep. In the dream, I fool around with one of the best looking girls in my school. It was surprising because I never think about this girl, but nevertheless it was a pleasant surprise. Naturally I woke up with a boner, either because of morning wood or because of the dream. I kept thinking about the dream and I ended up jacking off to the thought of this girl. Afterwords, I cleaned up and I went to take a shower. At some point in my shower I decide to put a cap on the drain and let the bathtub fill a little bit, then I turn the water off and I just sit there in the bathtub. As I'm sitting there I'm looking at my flaccid penis. It's really un-impressive when flaccid and I don't enjoy looking at it, but I had the idea to try and pull my foreskin back. No idea why, the idea just popped into my head. So I gently started pulling it back without any pain or discomfort and I got really close to pulling it over the head, but I stopped myself. I guess I thought that it would be too painful to pull back up again and that I would be left with an extremely sensitive exposed head. I got out of the bathtub and reached for my phone, I looked up "never pull my foreskin back" and was greeted with [this Yahoo Answers thread] (https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090405052838AAFQrsZ). The guy that asked the question seemed to be in the exact same situation I was. The guy that answered his question was really thorough and provided links for extra help. [This link] (https://sites.google.com/site/circresearch/tightforeskin) seemed the most interesting so I clicked and decided to read it. So there I am, standing naked on a bath mat with my phone in my hand, and my dick in the other, and I'm about to read this page. So I start reading the page and I'm impressed, it is informative and is helping me understand my problem. Suddenly the author starts explaining very simply how to gradually get rid of the frenulum over time. For some reason I start feeling very queazy. I have butterflies in my stomach and then I begin to see white spots everywhere and my hearing becomes dull. It was pretty obvious that I was about to pass out because of reading this page, but I couldn't understand why. I'm an avid viewer of gore as I'm on /b/ of 4chan everyday, so I've seen and read much worse than a foreskin being pulled back. I'm able to watch movies like *The Human Centipede*, *Vile*, and *A Serbian Film* and eat dinner throughout the goriest scenes. But for some reason reading this gentle explanation of the retraction of the foreskin made me want to pass out. Before I realized that I needed to sit down, it was too late. There was bright white spots everywhere and the room was spinning, I heard a "beeeeeeeeeeppp" in my ears and then I blacked out. My body made a pretty loud thud as it hit the ground and so did my head as it hit the countertop. I woke up to see my mom standing over me and holding my head up, I was also completely naked with my phone still laying right beside me with the page displayed. I was already mortified by the fact that my mother was seeing me naked with a page about foreskins opened on my phone, so to add salt to the wound, I peeked my head out and saw my cousins, my sister and my grandparents staring right at me. My whole family has seen me naked now, one of my cousins might have taken a picture. I came to and I used a small towel to cover my jewels as I pushed through them and ran to my room. I've never been this embarrassed in my entire life. My cousin is an asshole and he will undoubtedly tell everyone I know about this incident. I fucked up.
TL;DR - I decided to try and pull my foreskin back all the way for the first time in my life while reading instructions on how to do it, I passed out and my entire family saw me naked. My asshole cousin probably took pictures and will tell everyone I know.
[deleted]: I was unaware that so many Americans are circumcised. Wtf. I've seen a heckofalotta dicks in my time and I have never seen one circumcised
Atmegaown: It actually happens right after birth in America, the parents are asked if they want their child to be circumcised or not (it's abnormal to be uncircumcised)...
[deleted]: WHAT? WHAT? ALL THOSE POOR FUCKING FORESKINS!WHAT A WASTE. WHY IS THAT A THING?
Atmegaown: [The chick in this vid explains it a bit](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbTdkWV89Ak)
Was actually looking for some awful reactions to foreskin (I've seen a couple ones on tv, people treating it like it's a monster)
[deleted]: I would love to however my audio is fucked. Sorry, can you narrow down what she says? But seriously, foreskins are great. Why do the USA think its even slightly okay to get rid of it.
whasupjohn: I could go on for days about this, as a teen, I was really pissed to find out what was done to me (and countless others). I don't feel mamed or mutilated but I do feel betrayed. I wish I could have made the decision for myself, but it was done for me as a decision by my parents.
You know there is a huge fight, all the time, over enforcing your beliefs on others (as in, you can't tell me what to do with MY child). I find it terribly ironic, since we have parent enforcing their belief (circumcision) on their own kids. I don't know, you can't just pull the teeth on kids because they may not brush them, so they can live without them.
I'm sure I'll get responses to this "its not the same" blah blah. It doesn't matter to me day to day, but it does make me feel incomplete.
GlitchMod: I know the betrayal and incompleteness you feel. I was in my 20s when I had that realization. I do feel mamed and mutilated. I have used the tooth brushing comparison when someone says a circumcised penis is easier to keep clean. Proper education on how to be hygienic is better than radical surgery.
| 8 | 9.875 | |
1405256175 | 1405290470 | t3_2akx84 | t5_2to41 | 7 | awfullyawful: TIFU by locking myself out of the house
(This happened to a good friend of mine last night. I'm writing it from his perspective. Otherwise I'd have to post it to TMFFU)
I came home last night really, really drunk. I went to unlock the front door and discovered I'd lost my keys. No problem, the garage door is often left unlocked. When I checked it though, it was locked too. Damn.
A brilliant idea then came to mind. You can get into the house from underneath, through a small side door that leads into the garage. There's a neighbourhood cat that does it all the time. Once underneath the house, I realised it quickly narrows to a cat sized hole. No go.
So, it was time to get out from underneath the house. I discovered the door won't open. I'd managed to lock myself underneath the house somehow! I went for the logical decision here and decided I was going to have to smash my way out. I grabbed the nearest large object and started smashing at the door. The door was too strong for me, it didn't work at all, I was totally stuck! Fail.
I started phoning flatmates for help, one by one. Eventually one answered, she was out partying but would stop and come back to let me out from my under house prison. Thank god for good friends!
I decided to try and smash my way out all the same. After a couple more smashes, the door swung back a little. The door opened inwards, not outwards. I'd been trying to open it the wrong way the whole time. My smashing worked though! It woke up one of my flatmates who came investigating the strange smashing noises from underneath the house.
Great success, I was in the house!
I woke up this morning and found myself fully clothed on my bed, with my keys in my back pocket, where they were all along.
TL;DR spent ages trying to break into my own house, had keys in my back pocket the whole time.
titsofsteel: This is great.
awfullyawful: I thought so! Laughed for ages when I heard the story. Luckily I was away for the weekend so I didn't get woken up at the time.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405258060 | 1405294522 | t3_2akywy | t5_2to41 | 315 | Leedsy: TIFU by casually strolling into my place of work with my knob out..
So I tend bar.. Not a massive bar/pub. It's more of a small hotel type place but has a great reputation as a restaurant in the small town where I live.
Anyways it's been an unusually busy night (literally not had time to even fart) but was in a bit of a zone. One of those occasions when your gliding through the night almost on autopilot, taking 3 or 4 orders at once and busting them out with no mistakes.. It was a good night.
So I finally gets me a breather when nature calls (too much lime and soda) so I pop to the gents. Unzip (as you do) and made progress. I glance into the mirror above the sink and notice an angry spot just below the chin. I know you aren't supposed to but I kinda have to pop them when I see them (slightly gross I realise) so I'm still kinda in this whole autopilot/multi tasking mode so as I'm starting to 'trickle' I turn to face the mirror and attempt to pop the bugger.. As this happens I hear the toilet door opening. Embarrassed at the thought of a punter seeing me pinching my face for a spot I quickly turn the taps on to make it look like I'm washing my hands and make a quick turn mumbling 'alright' to the passing bloke.
I quick paced out eager to get back on the bar and continue my momentum. It was only when the pub fell silent (and heard a fork drop like some cliche teen movie scene) I realised that in my rush I hadn't re stowed my member and that it was kinda flopped out of my trousers. I managed to muster up a 'Sorry' before poking myself back in then zipping up.
My other barman pissed himself laughing and it didn't help that one of the waitresses I'm trying to nail saw me in all my piss drippy flaccid glory. I said something about checking on the barrels and I spent the last 30 mins of my shift sitting on a keg of cider with my head in my hands...
NSFW
Champloo92: How did you not feel the wind on your dick when you started walking? Or your dick floppin around?
Leedsy: TBF I didn't even realise! Wanted to get back working ASAP! Mortified is the best word!
FLSun: All you had to say was; "You know it feels so nice out today I think I'll leave it out."
| 4 | 78.75 | |
1405262171 | 1405306757 | t3_2al3cq | t5_2to41 | 4 | stupidpussy: TIFU By forgetting the correct CPR ratio
10 years ago I was trained as a pool lifeguard. I mainly get high and teach swim lessons and hit on moms. Good times.
Had a divorced milf mom of a kid I taught always chatting me up so I asked her out. We just finish dinner in the harbor and we are walking by a restaurant patio where a crowd has formed around a lady on the ground.
I try to keep walking by and ignore it but milfy she says real loud, " Stupidpussy, you have to help, you're a lifeguard." Upon hearing lifeguard, everybody looks at tipsy from dinner me.
I jump in like a fucking hero, I look, listen and feel for breathing. There ain't nothing, I hear sirens approaching, time for action, I go to give 2 breaths when I see her big herpes looking sore right on her lips, fuck this, not touching my lips onto her toxic oozing sore. I'm stalling, looking like a clown in front of this crowd. I don't have a mask to protect me from a life of outbreaks do I start chest compressions. 15 or 30, I can't remember so I do 23 compressions then check her breathing and pulse, she needs 2 breaths of air but I'm not giving it to her, back to compressions, I do 30 and check again. Here comes citizen nurse to help, "I'll do compressions and you give breaths" she says.
Fuck you, I think you do breaths and get herpes.
"No, I got it, you take breaths" as I position for CPR again I wait for her to give breaths but she sees the big sore and she's not lipping the dead lady anyway.
I give about 15 compressions this time, I guess I was thinking alternate numbers and I will get it right once, and finally some firemen take over.
Even though I know I fucked up, everyone treats me like a hero and milfy date is in awe, giving me a night of sex that I still remember.
comedygene: So what happened to the lady?
Also, congrats on the job. The only one that might beat it is working at a water park. I have heard fine tales told of after hours sexy times on the lazy river. That and the sheer volume of milf that these parks draw.
stupidpussy: I she was way dead. Even an AED wasn't helping her
comedygene: Sorry man
| 4 | 1 | |
1405265681 | 1405319911 | t3_2al7xg | t5_2to41 | 154 | tifu-throw: TIFU and ruined my life
Last Friday my wife and I had planned a small family gathering at our house for Saturday. This included my wife's parents, her cousin and brother, my parents and my sister.
Saturday morning rolls around, I wake up late (around 10:30am) and I noticed my wife had already left to get groceries. I decided it was a good time to get in a quick fap while I was alone. I found a very questionable video, but because it had almost a million views on pornhub, it made me feel a little less shameful about myself.
NSFW/NSFL - [this is the video](http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=472941275)
Now mid way through the session I hear the door bell ring and think to myself "Who the hell is here this early?", I go check the window and see my in-laws car parked outside. Fuck, I frantically tried closing the window with my trackpad, shut the lid, threw on some shorts and tucked my member in my waistband.
Everything is fine at this point, I greet them and they go do their own thing while I get ready. Later on my wife gets home, and more people start showing up. We're all having a great time for the entirety of the afternoon.
Fast forward to the evening (around 8pm), I'm pretty tipsy from drinking and it's starting to rain outside. We all head in, and decide to watch a movie. My wife's cousin is a tech wiz (I'll call him Greg), so I hand him my laptop so he can set up the movie using hdmi and all that. While he's doing that, I go and prepare some snacks and drinks for everyone.
It's been about 5 minutes, and as I'm bringing the snacks in the living room, I see Greg picking out a bluray while my laptop's screen is projected on the tv. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks, Chrome is open on the task bar. Thoughts start filling my mind about what I did earlier and whether or not I actually closed the window.
At this point I'm praying that he opened a new window of chrome. He came back from the movie rack with a movie picked out just seconds after I came in with the snacks. I have no choice but to sit down and try to calm myself, as my face was turning more and more red from worry.
Everyone was encircled around the 55" tv on the sofas, then it happened. The moment that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Greg clicked on chrome, for who knows what reason. The lively chatter turned to complete silence. My worst fears were right, I accidentally minimized instead of closing the window. The video was paused at around 30 minutes, probably the worst possible frame from that video was displayed.
I was still in shock and I couldn't think of anything to say, nothing. I just sat there. The window was displayed for possibly 5 seconds at most, but the damage was done. After maybe 20 seconds of complete silence, my wife's father got up and all he said was "You need to leave". As I was walking out, I could hear my sister say "oh..my...god...what the fuck".
I was fairly drunk and I couldn't drive, I just grabbed my keys and wallet and left. It was raining, and I had no choice but to start walking. What happened still hadn't sunk in yet, and with no where to go, I just went to the local park. I just laid down on a park bench with the events that just happened repeating in a loop in my mind.
That's where I slept last night, woke up early in the morning to the cold reality of my life being over. I walked home, got in my car and drove to a hotel.
I'm not sure what I'll do at this point, but I've been contemplating moving to another state and starting fresh.
Edit:
What's with people saying I'm a pushover for leaving? I've learned from prior drunken incidents that the best thing to do is leave. People suggesting to punch my FIL in the throat and get into a drunken fight would never do that themselves. **I chose to leave** because my wife and I jointly own the house, and I made the right decision. I'm going to let it settle down and think of what to do next.
badbluemoon: Eh, so you watch porn. It is enormously embarrassing, but it could have been way worse. Is your wife's family really that bent out of shape about it?
Does your wife even know where you are?
tifu-throw: No not yet, both her parents and mine are conservative. They won't let this go
badbluemoon: Well, maybe the best way to deal with it is head-on, then.
This is kinda tough, since I don't see anything wrong with (most) porn, and if I caught my husband with it, the most I'd feel is sad he didn't wake me up if he wanted some sexytimes.
But, in order to repair things with your family, I'd suggest the following: Apologize to everyone for it. It won't be a pretty conversation, I'm sure. If you think it's a problem (or if you think it would help repair the damage), seek out counseling for it -- either individual or with your wife.
But I would also suggest apologizing and talking to your wife before doing a big family meeting. After all, she's your wife, and it should be that relationship that you work on first. And when it comes time to talk to the family, don't let them kick you out -- if they don't like things, they are welcome to leave, but your FIL has no authority to kick you out of your own home.
This could take time to repair. My first concern would be your marriage -- in all this, you haven't really said what your wife's reaction was and how she feels about this whole situation. Leaving the house was a mistake -- she's now been surrounded by people who are probably saying shit about you, so you need to talk with her, just one-on-one, calmly, and straighten stuff out between you two.
She might feel really hurt and betrayed (and confused). Acknowledge that and apologize for it. I know that isn't at all what you meant to do, but a wife wants to know her husband only has eyes for her. If she isn't a proponent of porn, she might feel hurt, or not good enough, or unsexy, or any number of things that would cause her to be angry with you. Be prepared for this to be a difficult conversation -- but have it soon.
tifu-throw: Yes it was a mistake, I don't think drunk me would have fixed this
I spoke with my wife, not to get into detail, but she expressed that she wants to separate at least temporarily. Haven't spoken to anyone else.
DkS_FIJI: Really? Because you watch porn? I'm not going to go with the typical reddit advice of ending your relationship (seems that is reddit's solution to everything). But that is an extreme reaction on her part.
tifu-throw: > Really? Because you watch porn?
That's quite the oversimplification
Smoked_Herb: No, it really isn't. It shouldn't matter what kind of porn it is, as long as it isn't illegal. Everyone is into different things, and sometimes you just want to look at something new. It is an overreaction, period.
tifu-throw: What planet do you live on? Clearly not everyone is OK with this, especially my relatives
Ideally no one would care, but this is the same country that has such a hard time accepting gay marriage.
PartTimeBarbarian: Where are your balls? Your reaction to this whole thing is the opposite of what it should be.
ww2colorizations: def doesn't have ANY. Must be some seriously whacko religious type, is my only guess. Like cult/brainwash shit lol
| 11 | 14 | |
1405261560 | 1405453795 | t3_2al2mi | t5_2to41 | 16 | LoveSickMix: TIFU by having an orgasm
Four weeks ago, I had a hysterectomy. For those in the know, it was robotic laproscopic... meaning the healing time is to be minimal.
After the surgery, I was told full recovery would be about six weeks.
For the pain, I was given Oxycodone.
The first week or so, I had major trouble passing a shit, even more than the difficult time my doctor said I would had.
The first shit I had... well, let's just say it involved Aquaphor, black latex gloves, and a lot of weeping.
One of the things I discovered in my post-hysterectomy research is that Oxycodone was very often responsible for binding things up. Upon my next followup to the doctor, I informed her of my research, and she readily switched me to a prescription for Hydrocodone. Awesome!
The next week or so, no problems. The painkillers were not only helping the pain, but not keep me from shitting. Once the prescription had run out, I called her office, and she agreed to call in a refill. Great!
It's week four, as I said, and one of the things they said was that I would experience a jump in sexual libido. They weren't kidding. The past few days, I have been damned near ravenous, and the doctor explicitly said nothing into the vajayjay until after six weeks.
I did a little more research, and learned that after week 3, if you can take clitoral stimulation, after week 3 is fine. Awesome!
So I rev up a couple of videos online, and then head to my shower for a little fun release before bed.
The orgasm wasn't as strong as it usually was, but it was enough to sate me for the moment. I went to sleep happy.
This morning, I woke up with more pain than usual. I reached for my trusty heating pad, cursing myself. I grabbed the bottle of newly-filled Hydrocodone, and popped one, which I had been taking for a good week and a half when needed.
It was then that I noticed the label...
It's Oxycodone, not Hydrocodone.
And I have to play hostess at a gathering today. In my own home.
Yeah, I fucked that one up. **headdesk**
TheLoneScot: Not getting it - what was the fuck up? Are you constipated again? Are you in lots of pain now?
LoveSickMix: Not yet, but I am going to be. Since Oxycodone was responsible for clogging up the pipes the first time, I'm going to be suffering from it again just because I wanted to have a fucking orgasm.
whambulance_man: OPIATES were responsible for the constipation, not the oxy's. You got your doc to give you a lower dose of opiates. The difference is in the dose. If you stayed on hydro's for a while, you'd go back up the not-shitting creek. Get some OTC stool softeners. Colace is the most common one I see.
LoveSickMix: Thanks! I do believe the higher amount of opiates (and yes, you're right) were indeed the cause. Thankfully, I didn't need a repeat episode of the Aquaphor and latex glove, but I think that's because I pretty much was mainlining coffee and raisin bran for days, just to make sure.
Man, I was totally scared there for a while.
But it does make me afraid to use the damned showerhead again for a few weeks **headdesk**
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1405266220 | 1405348699 | t3_2al8lf | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not having a condom ready and being stupid
So I've been dating this girl for about a month (we were texting for around 2 months prior), and last night was our first time fully being together. The first two rounds were great and I went in well protected. At some time around 3AM she rolls over and asks to go again, being the horny 20 yr old I am, I oblige. We get going and she tells me I'm taking too long so I go in raw for just a minute (no harm no foul right?) as I lean over and grab a condom. As we sit in the aftermath of bliss I had the realization that we had sex just a few hours ago and I didn't clean off besides peeing and a mild towel wipe. Now I'm petrified that some leftover semen from earlier got in and possibly got her pregnant. I realize the risk of pre-cum, but the residual spooge is much more potent.
TL;DR: I'm naked and afraid
Ayrhen: I would be more worried about the pre-cum than the uhm leftover semen.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: If you urinated after your previous ejaculation, it should have cleared the pipes fairly well.
Also, dunno about most people but I don't actually get pre-cum. I get post-cum. Like, 10 minutes after ejaculating and cleaning up, the tip gets wet with a clear, sticky liquid.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405265072 | 1405367766 | t3_2al735 | t5_2to41 | 6 | CameAtTheWrongTime: TIFU By letting my mother find my cum box
So being a single guy in his 20s, I was jerking it like you normally would but realized that I had no tissues left decided to use my extensive knowledge of reddit and cum into the new shoe box that I had lying in my room. My thinking at the time was to throw it out in the morning. This happened a few more times in the week until I finally decided it was gross enough to throw out. Anyways you know where this story is going – during work today my mother calls me and says that she has found a box of her son’s disappointment lying in my room. Cue the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. Don’t think I will ever live this down.
WPBDoc: You're a single guy in your 20's, for Pete's sake! Move out! Get your own place.
Voyager5555: Exactly, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this generation.
Encrossu: I'd imagine it has something to do with cost of living.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405268924 | 1405278276 | t3_2alc9n | t5_2to41 | 16 | dustthrowawaykaz: TIFU by having a wet dream next to a qt [nsfw]
Grunt08: >spaghetti falls out of my pocket regularly
...dude...why are you putting noodles in your pants?
*We don't do that in America!*
dustthrowawaykaz: that means that your autism makes you speechless and you just want to stop existing.
TheyCallMeNaterTater: It's a reference to an old green text where a guy was on a date and for some reason had spaghetti in his pockets.
| 4 | 4 | |
1405270176 | 1405299177 | t3_2ale1e | t5_2to41 | 755 | orphanblaster: TIFU By jerking off while my neighbor watched
Ok so I'm 19 and I still live with my parents but there gone on vacation and so I'm home alone. There is a guy who rents our upstairs loft. The door that connects to the loft staircase is behind my couch where I was sitting naked and watching a rather thrilling porno quite loudly. the guy who lives upstairs opened up the door. I had no idea that he was there until he startled me and I jizzed right then pretty much the most awkward moment in my life.
MarkMcLaughlin1: I hope my upvote gives you some relief. But it looks like you already got relieved, HEY-OH.
I'm sorry.
Ultrawup: I've never seen anything like this before.
Deleted comments are deleted...
UsedAnalBead: He was mad because I told him to give someone an up vote rather than posting "hahahaha" so he shit posted "hahaha" over and over. Nothing special
suroh666: Why should I up vote this dirty analbeads?
[deleted]: Just because they're used doesn't mean they're dirty. There are plenty of high quality anal bead cleansing product out there!
suroh666: You would know, to each is own I suppose if you like the anal beads just make sure you wash em off afterwards. Op use common sense and dont masturbate in the living room.
Now would any one lile a jollyrancher muawhahahahaha
suroh666: Awe did I get a down vote for bringing up jollyranchers lol
| 8 | 94.375 | |
1405266516 | 1405359954 | t3_2al8yp | t5_2to41 | 276 | TodayIMessedUp: TIFU by swearing during an interview
This happened a few months back. I was looking for a new job; something that'd last long, so I found a listing for a powerline tech and applied. I take a test, pass and a few weeks later I got a call asking if I can go in for an interview, so I accept.
Fast Forward a week and here I am waiting for my turn at an interview. Going by my past interviews I show up in a dress suit, really overdressed, as the other applicants are wearing jeans and whatnot. So...my turn comes up for an interview, as I'm walking into the interview room I stub my toe on the door frame and yell the loudest "F**K YOU!" while I'm entering the room. The three interviewers look at me in shock, so I turned completely red, I panicked and apologized...but heres the screwed up part, I was so nervous I didn't know what to say to explain why I swore so loud...I told them I have tourettes.
If I got the job apparently these are the 3 guys who will be working with me, so we start the interview, not knowing how real tourettes is, I throw in a couple swears every few sentences(Have to say it kinda helped with relieving some nervousness). These guys were pretty laid back, and the end of the interview comes and I'm putting on my coat. We shake hands and one of the guys with the biggest smile on his face shakes my hand and says "sorry about your tourettes" and winks. I've never felt so embarrassed.
They called back but I politely declined, Still too embarrassed.
TL;DR: I went to an interview stubbed my toe, swore really loud and told the interviewers I had tourettes.
subpar_man: Somehow, I think they knew you didn't have tourettes :P
If they were still willing to hire you you must have impressed them.
Or maybe they were trying to fulfil a minority/disability quota.
Or just trying to see if they could see how long you maintained the facade if you ended up getting the job.
under______score: would have been so easy lol, just swear like you would normally
subpar_man: https://i.imgur.com/9vzYQwj.jpg
under______score: if they were duped by it, how would they know how it actually works?
| 5 | 55.2 | |
1405274616 | 1405284630 | t3_2alkja | t5_2to41 | 57 | roxys4effy: TIFU by deciding to shit
Here I am. Again. In less than 24 hours... So, lately I've noticed a lot of shart stories and accidental shits. I always feel bad for the person, but its made me never trust my farts.
I wasn't sure what was gonna come out seeing as I had eaten fast food AND Chinese in less than 24 hours, so I go to the bathroom. I made the right decision. Well, as im sitting there on the toilet something catches my eye. Its a spider. A huge, fucking 8 legged, gigantic, furry, fucking spider. And I'm midshit.
I have the debate. To pinch it and book, or hope to god it doesn't come any closer. Me being who I am, I take the chance. Now that I have a huge spider about 6 feet away, bowels forget what they're doing. This is where I fucked up.
I didnt keep eye contact with the beast. And it was gone... If there's anything worse than seeing a spider, its losing the son of a bitch. Still on the toilet, it look for it. And I find it. Fucking above me. Fuck this. I rush to get the hell out of there and as I do I forget my shorts are around my ankles and I trip. Full fledge smacked my head on the door and knock myself out FOR MAYBE 10 seconds. I come to with the bastard at my feet. So instead of standing up and running, I army crawl away from it. You know when stupid bitches in horror movies are injured and they half drag their bodies away from the killer while begging them not to kill them? That's what I looked like. Suddenly, my best friend (she has a key to my place for emergencies) walks in the hall way. Im army crawling, with my pants around my ankles, swearing, with a spider taunting me at the end of the hall. She assessed the situation as shes hysterically laughing at me, steps over my half naked body, and squishes it with her shoe.
So now, she knows what my lady parts look like, what my shit looks like, and knows that a 4 inch bug is capable of completely rendering me stupid and losing my common sense. Also, my head hurts, and I still haven't finished taking my shit.
Tl;dr- a spider cut my head open, stripped me, and then caused my brain to quit working.
Edit: details, name
MaxyMu: 4 inch spider? if we're talking diameter thats fucking enormous.
le_mous: Straya?
MaxyMu: ?
le_mous: Re: enormous spider, could this possibly be taking place in Australia? (i.e. "Straya")
MaxyMu: ah
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1405276203 | 1405276810 | t3_2almro | t5_2to41 | 3 | madmanwithabolt: TIFU By Murphy's Law
I'd like to start by saying this is more of a TWIFU, the tw is this weekend.
So I start on Thursday I'm 20 years old leaving in a college town in Bozeman Montana we have music on main every Thursday which is a huge community gathering. Then because I was ditched by friends I decided to go skateboard at the skatepark where I attempted a new trick to get better and ended up breaking my elbow. And I mean really breaking my elbow the tip is chipped off and I have 11 stitches. Then Friday came and I have not slept a wink. I decide to get out of my own: had by hanging out with a friend He took me bowling and introduced me to a bunch of his friends. Among those friends I found one of them to be actually kind of cute. I consider this a big deal because I was still just now getting over my last long term relationship that ended. So you can imagine my disappointment when after putting myself on the line throughout the night she informed me she have a boyfriend to which at that point we all proceeded to play beer pong to the point where I was completely blackout drunk and spent twenty something dollars on sandwiches at Pita Pit driving when I don't even remember it. At least I got to sleep that night with my pain meds and drinking. I woke up the next morning with a hangover to kill and went to my favorite coffee shop only to be pulled over on my way and informed that I tomorrow will have which is actually today for not paying off the parking tickets I had. The police officer let me go which was the highlight but I still have yet to pay those tickets today when my friends who instructed me to park where I did offered to help pay for the ticket and still has not helped. I also have furniture coming up from my hometown in California that keeps getting delayed because the truck to bring it up is broken so I've been sleeping on a floor with a broken arm for the past well I guess since Thursday but I've been sleeping on the floor for a month and a half. Then I get out today only to have not gotten any sleep more than 30 minutes, taken two vyvanse, 2 oxycodones, and have had annoying neighbors who are loud fucking hicks. And now because of the accumulative total I put on a fake smile leaving the house but I was extremely pissed off at the world even the drop of a pen 10 pin f*** I'm using my voice chat to record this message and just f****** screamed at my phone because it couldn't say pen pin f*** again so my TIFU is that I never play the victim but today is one of worst I've had in years and am just filled with complete animosity and rage I reopened my stiches and punched a whole through the wall with my broken arm.
cyko_01: this if FML, not TWIFU
madmanwithabolt: Then TIFU by posting sob story in TIFU instead of FML
| 3 | 1 | |
1405276048 | 1405372285 | t3_2almkd | t5_2to41 | 19 | dryraininbetween: TIFU by spilling an entire cup of coffee onto the keyboard of my 3wk old laptop.
I was running a game of Shadowrun on my kitchen table with some good friends and we were all drinking coffee and using laptops. After narrowly preventing my coffee from being knocked over when my friend tilted the display on his display back, I decided to move my coffee directly between me and the keyboard so as to prevent further shenanigans. However, in the course of reaching for a source book, I proceeded to knock the entire cup of coffee onto the laptop causing it to immediately turn off. Panicked attempts to drain the coffee revealed that almost all of the contents had entered the interior and most likely coated the logic board with coffee residue.
I've placed the laptop in a sealed garbage bag full of rice but haven't been able to remove the battery without the specialized pentalobe screwdriver required. Real bummer of a situation. There's a small chance that once I tear the thing down and clean it with some contact cleaner it could be salvageable but I'm not very optimistic.
Just started paying for the damn thing too. Looking at 12 months of paying for a brick. No liquids near laptops: lesson learned.
edit: formatting
huntman21015: Get a squaretrade warranty, you have 30 days. Then wait a month and file a claim
Voyager5555: Insurance fraud isn't the fucking answer.
huntman21015: It's not fraud, he spilled coffee in the laptop and the warranty covers accidental damage.
Voyager5555: It's fraud if you damage something, buy insurance, then make a claim. Doesn't matter if it's accidental or not.
huntman21015: That's very black and white, it makes no real difference if he had bought the warranty on day one before he spilled the coffee.
Voyager5555: Black and White you say? Then maybe you can help me with my reading comprehension because this looks anything but gray to me:
"[I. Conditions that were caused by you intentionally, or known by you **prior to purchasing this Protection Plan**](http://www.squaretrade.com/terms)"
huntman21015: And there are all sorts of Terms and Conditions that people break or don't even read. I said in reality it makes no difference. Tell me, what difference is it to SquareTrade if he bought the warranty before he spilled it? Would they not be paying the claim either way? Did they not get paid for the warranty?
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1405277141 | 1405287294 | t3_2alo4x | t5_2to41 | 88 | pinkempyreal: TIFU by offering a kid a dollar.
I was at the bar on the lake with a large group of people for a birthday party. It was way past dinner time and a family was hanging around with their kids because the weather was getting bad and the kids were obviously were bored to tears. One of the little girls had been standing by the claw machine for nearly 5 minutes but she had no money to put in.
My brother pulls out a dollar bill and says he wants to give it to her. I told him that was a nice sentiment but it would come off as creepy. He put the money on the table and agreed that it wasn't a good idea. 10 minutes go by and the little girls father comes over to drag her back to the table. She gets a little upset and he ushers her towards the door to take her outside instead. Without thinking I quickly grabbed the dollar and ran over to her. "Here. You can play the claw machine with this." I will never forget the look her father gave me when he yelled no to me.
I'm a female and did not really think that my offering the kid money would be creepy, but it was. It is a sad world we live in when we cannot treat children with undue kindness without being suspected of having ill intentions towards them. I totally understand the father's reaction considering, but the feeling it left me with is awful.
TL;DR: TIFU by giving a kid a dollar without thinking about asking the parent and subsequently got viewed as a pervert.
Edited to add TL;DR mainly for clarification.
ouifrancois: ill say it again, so many parents suck... somehow they always ignore the teaching by example thing... and decent society picks up the tab
pinkempyreal: I agree. The father even mentioned he had money after yelling at me. The girl just wanted to do something fun. She's trapped in an adult atmosphere. Let the kid play!
[deleted]: Maybe the dad told her 20 times already she couldn't waste money on that machine for yet another shitty toy that she probably can't even win, considering that stupid claw never works. Maybe they were in a rush to leave. And then a perfect stranger gives the kid the means and permission to use the claw machine. You're the dick here not him.
pinkempyreal: You are right. I am a terrible person for wanting to do a nice thing for a kid who has no kid friendly stimulation around. And perhaps it's true they were getting ready to leave. How dare I try to give them a reason to stay an extra minute or two for their kid to have just a little bit of fun. I suck and I guess I just fucked up all around.
[deleted]: You saw one slice of that kid's day. Maybe they were being punished for their terrible behavior all morning. Just ask the parents permission next time. Not complicated. Then you won't have to post any more dumb shit like this.
eatafatdickyoufuck: maybe you're right but why does that mean you get to be a huge cunt?
[deleted]: I don't know "eatafatdickyoufuck." Maybe we should all [enjoy](http://i.imgur.com/yhTxlo5.gif) the anarchy of the internet in it's last dying days. I'm sure you'll all be much happier agreeing with each other and not using [profanity](http://i.imgur.com/Y4ucBWP.jpg) in a few short years.
eatafatdickyoufuck: that doesn't even make any sense, none of that is relevant to anything said here. go be an edgy 12 year old badass on 9gag
[deleted]: Nope. fuck you. you're a little bitch.
eatafatdickyoufuck: aw man don't be like that :(
would you like a cuddle?
[deleted]: [...yes](http://i.imgur.com/08A1T.gif)
eatafatdickyoufuck: [bring it in bro](http://i.imgur.com/UImWI8C.gif)
[deleted]: [feels good](http://i.imgur.com/FsTMd.gif)
eatafatdickyoufuck: ;)
[deleted]: [:}](http://i.imgur.com/nuLCX.gif)
| 16 | 5.5 | |
1405277384 | 1405283340 | t3_2alohp | t5_2to41 | 41 | TheGhostfaceKza: TIFU- By splitting my head open twice(Caution! Bloody Pics)
So this is a story from fall of 2012 into April of 2013. I know it’s a little late but I just joined reddit and if I gotta I'll blame it on the head injuries. I'll start off with some background, I'm a pretty average 23 year old guy, I live in the center of my town where I skateboard, work, and hang out with friends. It’s pretty nice and I'm super passionate about my skateboarding so I ride it everywhere. Luckily I had gotten a job a few months ago at a nursing home in the kitchen; we also send employees over to the smaller kitchen a few buildings down the street at the hospital that’s really close to where I live. So with my love of skateboarding and a job within range I avoid driving whenever possible, seriously I have a shitty skateboard that I WD-40 before it rains so it won’t rust when it gets drenched. I really need to stress that I am not a new skater, this is my LOVE, I'm not here to brag but I skate handrails, stair sets, big drops and occasionally longboard hills. The point isn't "I'm amazing", it’s that I do have control over skating, it’s natural to me and I skate risky/dangerous stuff and because of that it made my later, basic, not dangerous fuck ups even more personally disheartening. So here comes my first kiss with the asphalt.
I had been working at the old folk’s home and it was 8pm and we had finally gotten out. Everyone is filing out the door after punching out and getting in their cars. It isn't a super dark night or it was still a little light out, I can't remember but my visibility wasn't obscured and I was feeling fine pushing up the hill while everyone started pulling out. I got to the top and all my departments co-workers had driven past me. I'm riding my rainboard but it hasn't been waterlogged so it’s just a regular skateboard with really fast wheels and bearings, I know there's a simple foot gap in the pave ahead so I go to casually ollie it with some nice height. Mistake, I'm not ready for how fast the board goes when it contacts the ground again, I've been skating my slower trickboard and with that I could have done any assortment of tricks over what is basically a crack. Well the board immediately whips out from under me, as I feel my feet flying in the air and my head and hands toward the ground. My hand hits first but all the momentum is with my head, and I slap right next to my eyebrow on the pavement, my glasses blow plastic back in my face as they break and now I'm blind and bleeding on the ground. I get up feeling the blood flow, a little dizzy, but honestly with skateboarding you just get up after a fall, and this seemed to be nothing special. A little blood from what I can see, which is nothing since it’s on my face and I have no glasses to help me see how much is dripping out. As I wobble over to my board two nurses run up to me asking if I'm alright, did I lose consciousness?, they say it’s a laceration and they are bringing me to the hospital. I half agree but accept the help, until I see the car. It’s a fucking Lexus with all white leather seats; I'm covered in blood with tissues on my face, dripping everywhere. I disagree until they literally push me in the car and drive the two buildings to the hospital. I love those nurses(thank you!). I end up getting 12 stitches across my eyebrow after he pulled several rocks out; I was super psyched for some badass anime scar. There's one picture of this several weeks after, it really didn't seem that bad and I had no concussion, still was sore as a bitch.
Skip to 4/20 same exact scenario, leaving at 8, top of the hill, but I beat my coworkers out and I was on a longboard. I was calling my friend while cruising nice and slow, I had just past my last fall site still angry about the ruined glasses. I looked back momentarily because I thought I heard a car, in that split second, something about the phone to my ear and twisting back I veered left hard. My longboard wheel hit the curb, dead stop and I go flying head first directly into a rusty, paint chipping off, sharp old street sign. I could tell this wasn’t good, the blood started going everywhere and I frantically started searching for my projectile missile of a phone. One friend of mine stops seeing the murder scene and me looking pissed searching for something. I ask her for help finding my phone and she kicks a few jokes about me splitting my face last time. I laugh it off and say everything’s ok and we recruit another employee to look also. At this point I look REALLY bad, they’ve told me I’m getting a ride to the hospital and I get aggro and start cursing that I’m not going and I didn’t really need the stitches last time. I tell her if she wants to follow me home to make sure I’m ok that’s fine but “IM NOT GETTING IN YOUR FUCKING CAR”. Some of this moment is a little blurry but I remember screaming that as I jumped on my board bleeding on it and everywhere as I rode away. This was probably the scariest thing to drive past, if you check the pictures just imagine the one where I’m wearing my glasses riding down the road dripping blood in the sunset. I run up the steps of my building and leave a blood trail (my neighbors later told me they all saw it and thought someone got murdered) and hear my friend pull in. I rush to the bathroom and am about to wash off when she asks if she can take a picture, result=the glasses pic. After washing off a little I look at my head in the mirror and in parting my hair back I get that terrible gaping mouth, puking up blood look from the wound. I get a towel and it’s officially time to get driven to the hospital. They pulled a lot more rust out than rocks like the previous time and I get the T-shot. Somehow I get fewer stitches this time and get sent home. I woke up the next morning with ridiculous chills, dizzy and spent the rest of the day back in the hospital.
So In short, I fell off my skateboard once in my jobs parking lot and bounced my head off the pavement for two nurses and 12 stitches, then less than a year later I do it within 15ft of the original spot into a signpost for two coworkers(then everyone who saw the pictures) and 9 stitches. The hospital is also technically my workplace so all the nurses/doctors/cooks/bosses EVERYONE knows me as the kid who sucks at skateboarding. And lastly [Pics or it didnt happen]( http://imgur.com/a/YebLV)
[deleted]: Ngl just came for the pics.
TheGhostfaceKza: I hope at least one did it for ya
[deleted]: Yup. Got some rad fap material. <3
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1405276017 | 1405344847 | t3_2almiv | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by offering Premier cinema seats to a disabled guest
I work in a multiplex cinema where some of our screens have better seats up a couple of stairs. We have to offer the upgrade to all guests and during a long shift I end up turning on auto-pilot mode saying the same script to everyone.
On this particular day, it had been very busy with a constant queue at box office. Two men come up to my till, one in a wheelchair. As it was busy, I did not have the chance to see this man in the wheelchair properly. All goes fine, with some friendly conversation and some banter, I offer premier seats following the script I have devised for myself. SHIT, as I realise the man in the wheelchair, hoping they chose to just get the standard seats. But unfortunately, today is not my day, and they chose premier. I now have to ask them where they wish to sit in the premier seats. "Eh, those seats are up a few steps, is that ok for you?" I meekly ask, my cheeks reddening. "What the fuck do you think?", the man in the wheelchair replies, wheeling back to reveal that he is just a torso, devoid of any legs. My heart sinks and my cheeks turn scarlet as the angry torso starts shouting at me, demanding to speak to a manager. I try to excuse myself to go and get him while the angry torso lectures me on disability awareness and disabled rights, as his friend tries to persuade him to just let it go. Manager comes to them and he profusely apologises and offers them free tickets etc. The two men leave and are on their way and I get told off for not using my head.
A couple of weeks later he came in again, and I obviously did not offer him premier seats. Yet, he still wished to complain about me to a manager that I was still there and went on about disability training (which ironically tells me that I should be offering him premier seats as it is not for me to decide what he can and cannot do). Now, when I see him coming in I make sure that I do not serve him.
TheTjalian: ITT: a lot of people insensitive to physical disabilities. Keep up the good work guys, you're doing a grand fucking job (y)
callum94: Hello,
As AlyceSparkz pointed out, there is literally no way I can win in this. If I offer them to him, he is pissed off at me for having offered him something he cannot have, but if I don't offer them to him he is equally pissed off that I have made a judgement of his ability to do something.
I am sure that there are a lot of people who are insensitive to people who have disabilities, but I was simply following the training I had been given and there is no way this man will be pleased with anything that I do.
TheTjalian: I was mostly referring to the fact that you referred to him as "the torso".
6romperstomper9: Well you can't really call him 'running man' can you?
TheTjalian: Or just refer to him as annoying customer #394766 which is what he is. The guy is an annoying douche, for sure, but using negative connotations referring to his disability isn't cool at all.
6romperstomper9: #394766 is the manufacturers serial number of his wheel chair.
| 7 | 1 | |
1405277994 | 1405287672 | t3_2alpb7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by visiting one of the most dangerous/sluttiest cities in my state
So it was a busy day after preparing for a weekend jeep parade by washing, cleaning, and waxing my father's custom jeep in preparation. My best friend was going to join but was unable to. So instead of going to pick him up, my father decided to go for a cruise. I jumped in with him being eager to spend some time with the most meaningful person in my life.
We went to a town I once lived and decided to drive to the first house I ever remembered. On the way we have to pass my first elementary school which I enjoyed reliving memories. Next to the large field for the playground was a sidewalk along the street. This being part of the "ghetto" people were always walking suspiciously. There was two girls. Average, somewhat attractive but I could tell they were the bitchy slutty types. I looked away to check the right street to see if any cars were coming as we were stopped at a stop sign. I returned my eyes to the left street where the girls were only to view for cars. This is when I noticed out of the corner of my eye that one girl was pulling up her short's leg up her thigh. She was smiling and giggling at me when I noticed this within the same second I turned my head to avoid what was to come. After all I wanted no part it what they had to offer. As I returned my eyes to the road in front of us I heard increased laughter as my dad sped away testing the acceleration of the jeep on the empty road.
The whole time in this city I was texting my girlfriend about plans to come in a couple weeks. Me being a guy with a conscious I felt the need to tell her what had happened. So I did and I felt like I did the right thing. Hopefully I did. I didn't do anything wrong I just wanted to express my hatred for this city to my girl. The way she first reacted scared me into thinking she didn't trust me. It seems she wasn't mad at all and I may have just took her words the wrong way.
toomanybeersies: You felt the need to tell your missus that you were propositioned by a hooker?
Not even really propositioned, you felt the need to tell her that you looked in the general direction of a hooker.
Ugybug1900: Well I always like to be safe and not worrying. I don't like things hanging on my chest so yea call me a Pussy or whatever but I did feel the need to tell her. It was more of a weird story supporting my judgement of the city
palindrex: You've gotta admit, though, calling that a fuck-up is rather far fetched.
Ugybug1900: I suppose. Sorry I haven't been on in a long ass time.
palindrex: No problem. At least you didn't shit undigested chicken soup all over your parents as they caught you fucking your girlfriend's sister in a public dog park or something.
| 6 | 1 | |
1405279066 | 1405288050 | t3_2alqr8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | sorgen1: TIFU by finallly buying something from Wallmart after 20 years.
Love it or hate it everyone knows Walmart. I am not a big fan of thier politics and low wages and had several bad experiences shopping there while I was in college. But I was a broke student and they had the cheapest stuff in town. Flash forward 20 years and I am doing quite well and no need to step foot inside a Walmart. My daughter however wants a electric razor ride on moped and she wants a very specific color. The only place within 250 miles to get it is you guessed it Walmart. So I go there and they have one left in stock. The box looks kind of torn so I ask if they can give me a discount. Sure no problem they knock an extra 10 percent off, although they can't do math so the take 24 dollars off a 250 dollar scooter. I get the scooter home and that's where things go terribly wrong. First thing is when I open the front wheel and it is completely rusted out. A little upset but I spend 20 minutes with steel wool and get it cleaned fairly well. Then I notice a few minor scratches, again not a deal breaker because I did get a little off because of open box. Then I go to plug in the charger and sparks start flying everywhere and I get a little jolt of electricity running through my body that knocks me out for a second. When I come to I am extremely upset but my daughter really wants this scooter and it is the only one left in town. Lucky I have another compatible charger and plug the thing in to charge overnight. When I remove the plug after fully charging , it will not run at all. Ok very upset daughter but I will return the scooter to the store and at least get my money back right. End of story
Not so fast I take the scooter back to Wallmart receipt in hand from the previous day and they proceed to accuse me of trying to swap out a old scooter for a new one. Essentially accussing me of stealing after their attempt at repackaging a product shocked and almost killed me. They refused to take the product back and now I have a very upset daughter a scooter that doesnt work and a burn mark on my finger.
I URGE EVERYONE TO NEVER SHOP AT WALMART AGAIN
KingKickass1983: Why wouldn't you just call the original manufacturer about these problems?
There must have been a warranty of some sorts...
The minute I saw first signs of a problem, I would have contacted the maker of the product not try to fix it....
xgc_drake: Or taken it back to walmart
KingKickass1983: yeah, because that got great results
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1405280459 | 1405288739 | t3_2alskg | t5_2to41 | 147 | babycarrotwoes: TIFU by losing 2 baby carrots in my butthole. Need some medical advice.
mildly_witty: Did you just create a Reddit account for this specific scenario? I'd say go to the ER or sit on the toilet. I'm not gonna ask about the carrots (even though I want to).
babycarrotwoes: Yes, its a throwaway. The girlfriend wanted to try some new food related things and thought an attempt to indulge me in some prostate stimulation would be apropros. But turns out the carrots were too short, and my bum just kinda sucked em up before I realized.
no0neiv: I don't get it- did you send the second one in to save the first?
WPBDoc: Just spit coke on my computer screen!
6romperstomper9: Nwaaw what's up Doc?
| 6 | 24.5 | |
1405273603 | 1405288894 | t3_2alizy | t5_2to41 | 44 | ketchupmode01234: TIFU by playing footsie with a superior
Cringing every time I think about it...I had been day drinking pretty heavily yesterday while watching the WC game and was feeling happy, confident and social. I had a work sponsored barbecue that evening that I was also trying to loosen up for a bit. At the barbecue, people were pretty well scattered throughout the yard and I was sitting at a park bench of sorts talking with a group of 5-6 people, who were all my superiors in one way or another. At this point, I was trying really hard to not slur my words or embarrass myself. All of a sudden I feel what I think is a foot careening down the side of my leg. Let me back up..I'm sitting next to a woman who is about twenty years my senior, single and quite attractive. We've talked in the past and I always felt like it was very friendly, even bordering on flirty at times. Looking back, my judgment was probably impaired by lust in addition to the beer and shit passed off as a margarita. Basically, I proceeded to reciprocate. I ran my foot the up her leg and continued to do that for a good two minutes all the while maintaining conversation with the people around us. I never really noticed until I thought about it this morning, but she wasn't exactly responding. I probably wandered off to jump in the pool or something and when I wandered back toward the table as the party was dying down I saw her just sort of slink away. It wasn't until this morning that I realized what I felt was probably just an accident, considering our feet were all huddled together under the table. Different department, so I don't have to see her all that often but I feel like I fell on my face.
Z3ph3rn0: Honestly, the best thing you could do is go to her and apologize. Something along the Lines of "sorry for the other day. I'd had too much to drink, and I felt your foot brush my leg. I misinterpreted this, and made a mistake. I understand if you don't wish to speak with me again, but I just wanted to apologize." If you like her, you could also offer to get drinks, or maybe just bring her some coffee.
[deleted]: i would keep out the "too much to drink" bit...try to save face SOMEHOW.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1405281251 | 1405317270 | t3_2altnt | t5_2to41 | 183 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my sister money
So this happened a few years ago.
My sister wanted money so she could see her boyfriend that lived a few hours away, so me being the nice guy I am I gave her the financial capital, but later my parents found all her clothes and other shit gone. Basically I helped my sister runaway, haven't seen her since.
eatafatdickyoufuck: you didn't fuck up, she fucked up and will realise when she wants to come home but is out of money
FortunateB0B: that is if she is still alive
VicinityGhost: Well that took a rather dark turn
| 4 | 45.75 | |
1405282848 | 1405359256 | t3_2alw13 | t5_2to41 | 3,704 | seraph77: TIFU by peeing on the neighbor's cat.. for months.
Probably 10 years ago, but [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ak7no/tifu_by_peeing_on_my_cat/) story reminded me of this.
The house that was the party spot during our early 20's had a cat that was always around. For whatever reason, he obsessed with pee streams. We mainly partied outside, so anytime someone had to take a leak, we would just go around the side of the house. Just about anytime anyone took a piss, the cat would come over an sniff your pee, bat at it, just generally be fascinated by it.
It started off as a drunken accident, but someone peed on the cat, and said he didn't even seem to mind. Then it became a regular thing to pee on the cat because apparently he liked it (and we were young, drunk, and dumb). "I'm going to go water the cat" became a normal saying.
We didn't think much about it, and this went on for months. We just thought it was some feral neighborhood cat because it was *always* outside. Anyway, we're out one night doing our regular thing, and hear his ~80yo neighbor- "Oh Mr. Boots (can't remember actual name) how do you always get so wet? Let's get you dried off again."
All our mouths dropped as we looked at each other while this sank in. This poor old lady has probably been picking up a piss-soaked cat and/or letting it inside the house every time we had a party. As bad as we wanted to feel, we couldn't help but laugh. I don't think anyone could breathe for 10 minutes.
We stopped peeing on the cat after that, and my buddy said he raked her leaves for her the next day, "just because" when she asked why. I still feel bad to this day, but can't help a guilty chuckle when I think back on this.
edit: Who knew peeing on a cat would get you gilded. Thanks stranger!
calicofire: I don't understand how this is a TIFU. You all treated this animal terribly repeatedly for months. Regardless if the cat had an owner or not, this is not a fuck up. You all are just fucked up.
waxyourboard: Sounds to me like the cat liked being peed on. May have been terrible for the cat owner, but don't be mad at the cat for liking his golden showers!
calicofire: Animals are a lot like children in the sense that they depend on adults to take care of them and know what's best. It was completely irresponsible of them to do this. A simple counter point would be that dogs may love chocolate but as an adult we know that it is not OK for them to eat that and shouldn't feed it to them. I would expect an adult to also realize soaking an animal in piss repeatedly is borderline abusive.
MadMikeLove: I'm not even an animal rights "activist" but I couldn't help but shudder at how childish and irresponsible it is to piss on a cat for months. Come on man. a cat covered in piss constantly? how could you just let this go on? blah blah, the cat liked it. It just seems like a miserable thing to do.
vannucker: No way, if the cat likes it he likes it. I know a cat who always came by my house every day one year, especially when I had my garage opened, as I am a car guy and work on cars in my garage most days of the week. He loved to smell all the fumes of the different liquids you put in cars, especially the anti-freeze. He would always take a couple laps of it. It made him happy. I'm actually kind of sad because after knowing him for 6 months or so he stopped coming around anymore so I guess his owners moved away and took him with them.
benadrylcabbagepatch: I... this... this IS parody, right?
vannucker: huh?
benadrylcabbagepatch: I'm assuming your comment was a joke, [but I'll just leave this here for anyone else stopping by](http://www.humanesociety.org/animals/resources/tips/antifreeze.html)
vannucker: w...what... Oh...Oh god no. No god no. Buttons! You poor miserable sunnava bitch!
guy_from_sweden: Troll.
| 11 | 336.727273 | |
1405287880 | 1405292762 | t3_2am31h | t5_2to41 | 6 | emcjames: TIFU by getting with a girl with the same surname
ok so i went out for a bit of a celebration last night as i've just got back on my feet scored a new job and after being down for about 8 months everything in life has turned around for me. So i figure lets go out and drink far too much. While i was out i seen my friend and her friend too kinda cute looking girl well after we hit a couple of jagerbombs and start walking to the club she tells me she has the same surname as me too. So we start trying to work out if we are related in some long winded way but non of the family we had pointed to use sharing family. So i jokingly mention i kinda feel we need to get it on now just because we aint related. she throws herself towards me and we hang around the club chatting and kissing for the night. All my friends had started to go and she said we should get going was we going to hers or mine? nobody was at mine so i brought her back. I start fooling around with her and then all of a sudden BOOM what the fuck was that? turns out she had squirted she never knew she could do it and i had neither came across it so for a split second we was both kinda weirded out about the whole thing. But it seemed kinda hot so i carried on and kept making her squirt her shit all over the place kind of like a kid at Christmas. a few hours went past of fucking and fooling around then she had to go work but she seemed damn grateful she'd discovered squirting!
TLDR; Got with girl who has same surname as me. Took her home and discovered she a squirter. Made her squirt her shit over and over.
emilskoda: TYAG: today you achieved greatness
[deleted]: Except the part where not a bit of this happened.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405279397 | 1405323427 | t3_2alr78 | t5_2to41 | 158 | vacationbeard: TIFU by allowing my son to think Xanadu was the true ending of Titantic.
So I fucked up by stopping on Titantic as I was channel surfing. My six year old son took interest and I was prepared to change the channel before it got too intense. The ship was already sinking and the scene with the spooning elderly couple came on and my son got upset, wondering why they weren't trying to escape.
I quickly turned the channel and the movie Xanadu was on. He hadn't realized that I turned the channel so I went into a tale about how the sinking boat was righted and everybody went back inside to roller skate to a mix of 40's, rock and disco music.
He was really confused but I had already chosen my course. After suffering through Xanadu I think letting him witness 1500 people drown may have been less damaging.
Amanoo: I can't remember how old I was back then, but I remember my parents getting a VHS tape of it (good old times of rewinding forever before you could rewatch a movie). I watched at least some part of the movie. I cried at it too. Not because of all those people dying, mind you, but because of the cupboard with all those beautiful plates it falling over. Those plates were really lovely, and now they were all in pieces.
coool12121212: Priorities
jack-a-roo: Amanoo has them.
| 4 | 39.5 | |
1405287837 | 1405358755 | t3_2am2yt | t5_2to41 | 16 | ZeroCL: TIFU by using my cell phone on the toilet
So there's a new guy at work who sits near me. Being the nice person that I am, I go over and say hello and welcome him to the company. We have a nice chat, he seems like a swell fellow and then I leave. Later that day I go to take my after lunch dump and enjoy my right to the last bastion of american freedom. I walk in and see the new guy at the urinal. I give him a quick "what's up" then go into the stall. As I sit down I pull my phone out (iPhone 5) to enjoy some light redditing as I move my bowels. As I pull it out of my pocket, I accidentally hit the menu and top button at the same time, taking a screenshot. Normally this isn't a big deal, but it made a very loud photo taking shutter sound that could be heard throughout the bathroom. I then whispered somewhat vocally, "SHIT!", knowing that this new guy probably thought I was running into the bathroom to take dick pic's. Well i played it cool and didn't say anything, but this new guy went around telling people he heard me taking dick pic's on the shitter.
TL:DR everyone at work thinks I take dick pics in the stall because my phone wasn't on silent.
PM_UR_GIRLYPARTS_PLZ: I belive it's time for a bro down.
PM_ME_NICKI_MINAJ: You mean a blowjob?
zer0t3ch: BROJOB BROJOB!
| 4 | 4 | |
1405287770 | 1405300014 | t3_2am2uw | t5_2to41 | 14 | ReverendPickleChips: TIFU by dropping dozens of used needles on my feet
So I recently got a job in Cattery (Basically a kennel for cats) and I'm slowly getting the hang of looking after 50+ cats at a time.
Right now we are looking after a cat that has diabetes so we have to give it an insulin injection twice a day and so there is a little yellow bin that is completely full of used hypodermic needles. This thing has been placed in a fairly precarious position so I decide to move it somewhere a little safer, forgetting that I had just mopped the tiled floor; resulting in a rather slippery surface.
One step is all it took. One step. Needles got launched into the air and I felt like Leonidas at the end of 300 as I looked down at where they had all landed, mostly on my shoes. These things are sharp, like really sharp, most of them had gone straight through the canvas & rubber and embedded themselves in my feet. One of the nastiest pains I have ever felt ;_;
Needle Bucket: http://i.imgur.com/GNGLcSm.jpg
Inside Needle Bucket: http://i.imgur.com/qClx2dS.jpg
TL;DR I mopped up, through a bunch of dirty needles, foot pain.
Qwernakus: You really shouldnt drop things on you that says "Destroy by Incineration"
MerelyUnfortunate: Kill it with fire!!!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1405292457 | 1405296559 | t3_2amacn | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to the grocery store while high
Today I went to the grocery store to buy food for the week. I decided to get high first to make it more interesting. It worked. I had my poker face on and collected my items mostly without incident. At one point I was at the banana stand inspecting them for a quality bunch. I guess I got a little too absorbed that when I turned to place it back, there was another person standing there and I gasped pretty loud and said "ah! what^the^fuck" and scared her.
Next while hauling my cart out of the store there was one of those charity coin collection people and she asked me if I wanted to donate. For some reason being high I didn't know how to respond and sort of panicked then said yes and pulled out my wallet to see that I only had a $20 bill. "Here you go", I handed it to her then quickly left and regretted it immediately. No idea what the charity was.
[deleted]: This wasn't what I expected. When I goto the grocery store high, I always overspend and buys tons of shit food.
Omaigord: This is exactly what I expected.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1405294875 | 1405328149 | t3_2amdxb | t5_2to41 | 42 | Pumhole: TIFU by calling my best mate's mum sexy
My friend is a marine stationed overseas and is very forgetful so I text him on his mum's birthday to remind him to call her. I always try and wind him up by telling him that I fancy her and see her while he's away, so today I texted him saying "Remember to say happy birthday to your sexy mum" but in a moment of absolute derp I managed to send it to his mum instead.
Atruen: Follow it up with a dic pic...it never fails
mayeslad: Thad agrees
| 3 | 14 | |
1405295026 | 1405322805 | t3_2ame5a | t5_2to41 | 36 | littlethrowaway778: TIFU by sniffing my cum
This literally just happened. I'm still in pain and shock.
So, I was browsing facebook and saw one of those insanely hot girls you kinda know posted up some holiday pictures. Naturally I had to jack it, it was a pretty good session and I blew my load. I grabbed some tissue to clean up when my mum walks in asking me why I'm mostly naked and what I'm doing. For some reason I instictivly say that I have a cold and was overheating and that the tissue was soaked in Albus oil to help me breathe, just to drive that home I decide to show her and take a big sniff of the tissue...that I magically forgot was covered in my cum ...
My inside feel like burning and all I can smell is cum ... I fucked up
Release_the_KRAKEN: This reminds me of that literotica about a girl who got high of snorting jizz. Both of these stories have a sad ending.
TheTjalian: Stoner porn?
Release_the_KRAKEN: [Here it is. Obviously NSFW](http://www.sexstories.com/story/7254/Cumcaine_Girl).
nbsdx: That was the most depressing thing I've read in a long time...
Release_the_KRAKEN: The ending is pretty sad sure, but the rest of it was kinda hot...right?
nbsdx: Kinda... The mental images that I had of each person kinda ruined it for me in any sort of erotic way. It just made the whole thing sad and depressing :/
I've also been up for almost 48 hours, so that might be part of it...
Release_the_KRAKEN: It helps me if I focus on the rough sex part.
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL AWAKE??!?!
nbsdx: Mixture of Alcohol, Red Bull, insomnia, and Reddit.
I think I'm going to go pass out.
Thanks for the story tho, I'll have to reread it when I'm not half dead :D
Edit: And Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That shit's delicious.
Release_the_KRAKEN: Insomnia is such a terrorist.
Oh god it so is. But I don't think it's something I could eat on a daily basis. That Golden Grahams cereal on the other hand..woof!
| 10 | 3.6 | |
1405295295 | 1405302469 | t3_2ameja | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by shooting snot at work
I am a tutor for high school math. I was going over work with one of my students when he said something funny about the dumb way math textbooks phrase problems, and suddenly I found snot shooting out of my nose onto his math textbook. I cleaned it up and apologized profusely, but god damn was that embarrassing. Our next session is on Tuesday.
Sadistres: S'not really your fault, those things happen.
doggiechewtoy: Must have been a booger of a problem.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405296742 | 1405298196 | t3_2amgmx | t5_2to41 | 4 | hman0305: TIFU by burning a hole in my parent's car seat with a cigar.
I'm 18 and was on my way to work smoking a Black and Mild cigar, the ones with the plastic tip at the end. Thinking I didn't want to litter, I attempted to pull the tobacco off the plastic when the cherry dropped and burned a hole in the crotch area of the car seat. Yeah I'm old enough to smoke and I have no problem paying for new upholstrey, but I definitely broke some trust with my parents and I dread facing them when I get home tonight.
WeepingAgnello: Tell them straight. Apologize, and take it like a champ. Mistakes happen, and everyone pays for them.
hman0305: That's the plan, thanks man.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405296673 | 1405300749 | t3_2amgj2 | t5_2to41 | 14 | bongleaver: TIFU by leaving drug paraphernalia out in the open at my girlfriend's house for all of her family to see
So.. I was literally just reading TIFU earlier today and some of the things made me cringe and I thought to myself how glad I am that none of these things happened to me. And then I got a call from my girlfriend.
Her and her dad went to Maryland about a week and a half ago (we all live in california) and her dad came back recently while she was staying there for another week. Before she left, I asked her if I could go over to the place while no one's home (I know how to get in) to use the bong we have, as it's kept at her house. She tells me I can but to obviously put everything away when I'm done. A few days ago I realized I left it on the counter in her room but her dad was already back at this point. I was a tiny bit sketched but comforted by the fact that her dad literally never enters her room EVER for some reason so I assumed it would be fine just sitting there on the counter.
Fast forward to today, and I get a really angry call. Apparently, her half brother and half sister both nine years old were staying at her dads place with her dad for a few days. They stay in her room when they go over there. They walk into the room and there in all of it's glory (and complete shame) is an 18 inch bong sitting on the counter, and to make matters worse, I left small pieces of weed on the counter as well. Her dad called her and told her what happened and said "I don't think you did this, if Sam (me) came over while we were gone and left this here he's never allowed in this house again." She took the hit for me and told her dad it was all her fault and that I didn't come while they were gone.
Now she's totally fucked over for my mistake and I have no idea what to do or say to make this better. I really really want to admit it was me to her dad but she specifically told me not to and said it won't be worth me not being able to come over. I just feel fucking awful now.
420darkangel: Flowers. They won't change a thing, but the gesture of "I know I fucked up, but I don't know how to fix this" is nice.
bongleaver: That's exactly how I feel right now.. I'll do my best to convey this to her all week
Seawolfe: Flowers! Flowers for days!
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1405297406 | 1405355975 | t3_2amhmh | t5_2to41 | 3 | Cleverbeans: TIFU by discovering her reddit username and telling her.
So I'm starting to see this new girl and she's great. I'm at her place and she's going to take a shower and tells me to use her computer. No problem. Start surfing reddit and notice she's subbed to /r/omg_my_hometown_too. Oh shit, I'm fucked up now. I tell her maybe I shouldn't be reading it. She says it's ok just don't judge her. No problem keep reading.
Then I see it. Got her username. It's sexy and a bit naughty. Can't unsee it. We have a great time and I go home. Sit down at the computer and look her up. Discovery I love her sense of humor and she seems really nice. Just start upvoting everything. Go through a few months worth of posts really quick. Scan some key words. Can't unsee them again. Nothing terrible but probably private like medical and family information.
So no big deal right? Vaguely remember reading about someone who wouldn't tell their husband their username. Vaguely, maybe on imgur? I don't recall. No big deal. Tell her what I read. She tells me there are pics of her on there. I check them out next time I'm home. Really cute and tasteful.
Couple days later we're out for a walk. I mention something about what I read again. She asks "Do you really feel it was appropriate to look up my username?"
Oh shit. Only one right answer - no. She's had time to think since I innocently sprung it on her. Not cool, what have you done?? Maybe next time log out. Mention the vague memory. Tell her when I get excited I'm not great with boundaries. I apologize. She hardly knows me so I might be a douche in disguise. Tell her my username. Not sure if that's good enough. Go home a while later.
She hasn't called since.
scaredofpuppies: A sorry would've been great. You do sound like a little bit of a jerk as well as an idiot.
Cleverbeans: Oh I apologized right away. Definitely more of an idiot than a jerk though.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405297526 | 1405298998 | t3_2amhsv | t5_2to41 | 9 | MerelyUnfortunate: TIFU by holding a grudge
Disclaimer: minor religion contained, if you don't believe that's cool too. The point is more about a moral standing point I've reached and don't know where to head.
So basically I have a friend that's staying with us for the summer, you could say that we are both quite good friends. As the summer has drawn on I've realized how hard it is for me to live and have to deal with other people 24/7, and I now only see the annoyances and negatives in my friend. (It's hard for me, I don't have strong relations with anyone and I'm introverted among other things)
Well, as you can imagine, this behavior has led to some minor arguments.
Flashback to last week and he took some off-hand comment that I made way too far. He proceeded to tell me that the only thing I've ever cared about is myself and success, and that I don't give a damn about other people at all. In his words, "I realize that this is all temporary, and I'd rather touch the lives of other people and live a life pleasing to God." He thinks he's on quite a good place religiously right now, but he has a massive ego built up around the fact that he can be persuasive. Really, he'd be well suited to ministry, he can try to talk his way into making anyone believe what he wants.
Being the "selfish douche-bag" he proclaims me to be, I'm still really miffed at his exaggerated outburst and I start to mull over how to end this. "Check his browsing history while he's gone!" I think. It's easy enough to get into his laptop (passwords are just so 2004). A quick launch of his browser of choice, maneuvering over to the history... and BINGO! I have what I want (but was hoping not) to see. I literally hit jackpot, there are a lot of nasty, nsfw things located within.
I have a couple screenshots of the browsing history that I saved on my flash-drive...now I'm asking myself what I even think I'll do with them and whether morally I've gone too far.
What do I do?
TL;DR: Had feud with good friend. Find out that he actually isn't the spiritual, great person that people (including me) think he is. Morally conflicted and confused on what to do now.
raptor12347: There has to be another way to settle this. Don't ask me for friendship advice, but browsing history is hitting below the belt. It can only make things worse.
MerelyUnfortunate: The bad part is that I don't know how to settle it well. I just really want to go off on him and I know that that isn't what I should do.
raptor12347: I guess you could see if this all passes in time. Hope it works out well for you.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1405297832 | 1405355505 | t3_2ami8x | t5_2to41 | 110 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my entire student loan at a strip club
Well, i'm a 19yo university student in london and went out for some drinks with a couple of friends for a birthday. Me and a really good friend of mine made a drunken decision to go to the strip club, by ourselves (just the two of us) after our other mates had left - we were wasted and lonely lol. We then proceeded by getting many more drinks to help the idea sink in.
We went in, ordered a couple of cocktails and shots to calm our nerves but I overshot and fully lost my sobriety and sense of control. Spent the entire night inside the club and got back home in the morning, waking up to an empty bank account and regret and shame. I might have to move back in with my parents for the time being because can't pay the rent and just don't have any money left! poor judgment
WPBDoc: If my son blew everything at a strip club and then wanted to come mooch off of me, I'd tell him to sleep in his car. You know what they say about fools and their money, right?
[deleted]: They uh... They blow it at strip clubs?
AlertRanger11: They blow it on girls that work at strip clubs. God get it right your username brings you justice for what I feel for you now
[deleted]: I'll be in the pantry with yesterday's bread :'(
Fewbugie: I... I didn't think it was possible to have a disappointing churro. My life has been turned upside down.
| 6 | 18.333333 | |
1405302168 | 1405362580 | t3_2amofr | t5_2to41 | 16 | JonD91: TIFU by cooking Ramen
I'm starting to realize I'm a true dumbass.
So I'm sitting in my apartment and the hunger sensation sets in. I think to myself, "hey, I'll just go grab something quick at McDonald's!" I bring up my Key Bank app, $73.04 and my $181.94 electric bill is due Monday. Probably not a good idea to spend money.
This can only mean one thing, cook up some classy ass Ramen Noodles.
Grab that bag of chicken flavored goodness. I decide today I'm gonna go Emeril Lagasse on these noodles and I grab a pot of water and go to the stove instead of using the microwave.
The water starts to boil. Its bubbling nearly as fast as my stomach is gurgling at this point so I toss those noodles in. I stir that shit better than a Kitchen Aid mixer and I get to that glorious moment where I need to test the noodles for optimal cooked tenderness.
Note that I've been stirring these noodles in this 214+ degree Fahrenheit dihydrogen monoxide with a metal spoon.
I scoop up a few noodles and bring it to my mouth.
"Hey genius, I bet that spoon is pretty god damn hot, probably shouldn't put that in your mouth!" This is where my brain let's me finish this on my own.
Without skipping a beat I pour that spoon full of boiling hot water and noodles in my left hand to let it cool down.
This. Is. Hot.
How am I this dumb?
Cue flailing left hand frantically searching for something cold. I run it under cold water for what seemed like 45 minutes. Then I clench my hand around an ice cube until it melts away.
I'm not even hungry anymore. Screw those noodles they broke my hand. Next time I'll eat the dry crispy noodles.
KingKickass1983: I didnt think anyone could mess up ramen....
reckon I was wrong. ok, so you tried to cook the noodles WHILE the water was still at full boil?
I find better results in bringing water to boil, turn off stove, put noodles in with flavor packet. cover and sit for 3 minutes. Than stir and eat with caution as contents will still be hot but not boiling.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Or, noodle chunk in a big bowl and pour hot water from a finished boiling kettle on top.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1405302155 | 1405321989 | t3_2amof3 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by ejaculating onto my friend's cactus.
WPBDoc: You should left a little sign on it that explained.
"Sap, not Fap".
coool12121212: What was the story? Op deleted
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1405300539 | 1405315509 | t3_2amm3v | t5_2to41 | 4 | Truthinlions: TIFU by pushing off a four post lift with the door open and ripped the door off
My boss almost hit me, and I had to pay 500 dollars.
Lectovai: What's a four post lift?
repacc: It's a type of car lift.
http://imgur.com/Q3nJ58z
By "pushing off", I'm assuming he was getting the vehicle off of the lift and the door caught on one of the posts.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405305191 | 1405306677 | t3_2amsvy | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by sneaking to my bosses office window at night and putting up an offensive picture
Last year I was taking a co-op placement. I don't know if this is something that's done outside of Canada but here at least a co op placement is a job but instead of money you get highschool credits. I was at this co-op placement and one of my supervisors (not the main one) hated me and all the students there. She constantly flipped out and lost her composure with all the students. I don't think we were the ones with the problem because nobody else who we took orders from seemed to have a problem with us. I've looked at some of the symptoms and it seems clear that she was bipolar. Me and a friend that I met there jokingly called her Annie Wilkes from the movie misery. For those of you who don't know Misery is a movie about a mentally deranged woman named Annie who holds her favorite author prisoner in her home. Annie Wilkes has a tendency to fly off the handle at very little things. Check out Misery if you haven't seen it. It's good but I back on topic. We just decided that we couldn't let someone like that get to us and we would just laugh it off we weren't going to let one woman ruin our experience
After a few months of working there my main supervisor left to have a baby and this woman became our new supervisor. Once that happened she became a much bigger issue. I spent a month taking shit from her until one day she was losing her composure with me over something and I walked out on her. My friend finished his time there. My former bosses office is on ground level inside a gated area next to subway tracks and my friend and I said for a few weeks that we should get a poster of Annie Wilkes and tape it to her office window one day because that'd be funny. one night we realised that we were going to be in the neighborhood anyway so we actually did it. My friend made a poster sized picture of Annie maker her "He didn't get out of the cock-a-doody car" face and at 3 a.m. we jumped the fence and taped it to her window.
The next day when I woke up I started to get really nervous about what we did. I don't think that we were seen and I don't think we were caught on a security camera or anything. I think we're going to get caught because who else could it have been. We're both done there so we don't have to worry about getting fired or anything but I think they might be able to at least get us for trespassing. I'm just kind of regretting our reckless decision and think I'm going to regret it.
MelJoKi11: >I've looked at some of the symptoms and it seems clear that she was bipolar.<
Please do not "diagnose" someone as bipolar just by looking at their "symptoms". Unless you are a licensed medical practitioner, this is just silly -- and is offensive to those of us with BP (which gets a really bad rap). It's not right to consider "crazy behavior" as bipolar when you know nothing of her mental health history.
On a side note, what you did was "generally harmless" but kind of pointless. What did you hope to accomplish with this? Did the actions you took accomplish it? Think about those questions before you act next time, and you may not feel so much like you f-ed up! ;-)
fuckingforgotmypassw: lol
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1405307939 | 1405314526 | t3_2amwy3 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not following my gut instincts...
I don't know whether I'm going to be believed or not but I seriously wish this was made up.
So since the grand final teams for the World Cup Final were decided I just couldn't shake this feeling to go place a few dollars on a bet for the point difference to be 1 in favour of Germany and that this goal would be scored by #19. I in no way follow the football. I have no idea about the players, the teams or anything. I think Germany looked promising and my mind just threw out #19 and that was it. So obviously I ignored this thought of mine. Thought it would be too far fetched to happen.......and then I woke up this morning, googled the results......
Fuck. My. Life.
I just needed to tell somebody because I feel as if I just missed a chance of a lifetime. Follow your instincts people!
Unclejokes: I believe you .. Just three months ago I woke up speaking in a German accent and yelled out "football! Nein nein teen!" I just threw it out as something weird from my dream. But lo and behold.
Okielydokiely: Perhaps we should of went halves then?
Unclejokes: Next time whatever weirdness happens we just roll with it.
Okielydokiely: This is exactly what I'll be doing from now on. Lesson learnt.
| 5 | 1 | |
1405308159 | 1405324366 | t3_2amx9e | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by failing to record the World Cup soccer final.
My family invited half the neighborhood over to watch the game on TiVo, and lo and behold the DVR recorded the first 3 minutes of the game. I was responsible for setting up the recording, so somehow I was responsible for our DVR being a piece of shit.
Edit: 1st 3 minutes not last 3.
WPBDoc: If it recorded the last three minutes then you pretty much saw the entire game.
luigiedejer: The first 3 minutes of that game matched the last 87 minutes of regulation time.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405309146 | 1405377747 | t3_2amymc | t5_2to41 | 9 | wijnwqpiorvju: TIFU by eating old peanut butter chocolate balls.
Earlier today I found a tin full of old late 90's/early 2000's candy. Most of it was lolipops, pez and jellybeans. Mostly stuff that would probably still be good. There was also a bag of these peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate with a foil wrapping that made them look like eyeballs. I remember getting those in my Halloween candy all the time and I fucking loved those things. So, me being the innocent shithead I am decided it would be a good idea to snack on some. I fucking forgot that while the chocolate would still be okay the peanut butter definitely wouldn't be. I ran to the sink and spat that shit out while wretching in udder disgust. As I was washing my mouth out I eventually ended up barfing into the kitchen sink before I brushed my teeth with some toothpaste that was so fucking minty that it burned my mouth and made me cry.
TL;DR Ate old candy, barfed and cried.
YukiHyou: >udder
[Udder](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/61/Cow_udders02.jpg/250px-Cow_udders02.jpg)
wijnwqpiorvju: Wtf...?
YukiHyou: Was pointing out the typo. Couldn't find a more appropriate pic demonstrating the difference between *utter* and *udder*.
wijnwqpiorvju: Ah. I posted from mobile so, auto correct probably fucked me over without me noticing.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1405310638 | 1405312364 | t3_2an0lv | t5_2to41 | 32 | Holovoid: TIFU by trying to trade in porn at Gamestop.
Okay, as with most TIFU stories, this happened about 2 years ago, but I can't help but want to share it. By far one of my favorite stories to tell to people.
Around a year into my relationship with my wife, she bought a grab bag from an Adult store for funsies. There was a lot of cool stuff in it, but one of the less interesting things was a DVD of amateur-quality porn. The disc had a naked chick right on the front, and TBH it was kinda awful and I had no use for it, so it just sat on my desk for a long time.
Fast forward a couple months later, I move into a new apartment with her. We packed up all our stuff and moved, and a few weeks after the move, I decide to trade in some games at Gamestop for some store credit toward Halo 4, which was coming out in a month or two.
I grab a few games, (CoD Black Ops, Halo ODST, Dead Island, Dead Space 2, etc) and head to Gamestop. I dropped off my stuff at the counter, and the (admittedly cute) store clerk starts ringing up my credit. She hits the Dead Space 2 box. Inside was a CD of all the music of the game. She lets me know that its not worth any trade in value and asks if I want to keep it. I thank her and tell her to trash it (I had already ripped it to my PC). As she opens the next box, I hear a gasp.
"Uhh...this isn't worth any trade in value either."
I look down and its the goddamn porn DVD that my wife bought. I laugh it off. Not really a big deal, I say "Aw shucks, I guess just pitch it too then."
Needless to say, it was really awkward after that and I sprinted the fuck out of that store. Despite the fact it was just porn, it was still SUPER fucking embarrassing and I never went back to that Gamestop. Still worth a couple laughs at a bar with some friends though.
TL;DR - Stopped going to GameStop because they refused to give me store credit for C-list porn DVD.
Sadukar09: > She lets me know that its not worth any trade in value
Nothing of nothing is still nothing.
Holovoid: Zing!
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1405310836 | 1405322303 | t3_2an0vv | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my boyfriend a job
Today, I landed my boyfriend and job where my mother would be his boss. But that's not the issue. The issue is I am to drive him to and from work, but I also have a job. I am terrified of having to talk to my boss and tell her I must be on odd hours and I'll have to work the system to it's edge. I love my boyfriend more than anything and I'll do whatever I can for him. But I don't want to lose my job and I don't want to be the reason for his job loss either. This was all my idea but I didn't anticipate all the stress and worries that came with it.
DyslexicsAreTeoplePo: I would never want to work with my SO to begin with.
PM_ME_NICKI_MINAJ: What? Her SO works with her mother, she just has do drive him around.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405312409 | 1405322784 | t3_2an2x1 | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU when I got caught in a girls closet by her father.
This happened over the Fourth of July weekend and *none* of my friends know yet. They also don't know my username, so thank god.
So there's a girl that's had a crush on me for a couple of weeks and she's over at my place on the 4th. She's blonde, cute, short, and really fun/energetic. We start drinking along with about ten other friends and we all head out to fireworks. The girl (let's call her Claire) and myself weren't really talking during fireworks at all, so I didn't even have the thought that later that night, I would be boning her in a drunken, stupendous bliss.
After fireworks, I drank a disgusting amount of Fireball and Coors Lite. Claire and I then started talking to each other and flirting back and forth. We drank more (I'm drunk as shit by now) and starting kissing/hugging. It's about two in the morning, and my friends are all leaving for their apartments. The only other people in my room are helping out my buddy who decided to take the Fireball shots with me.
It was obvious she wanted to fuck, and I was thirsty as shit for her as well. I ask her if she wants to go into my room, but she thinks it'd be weird since my roommates are still awake. I remind her that they're taking care of my friend and this would be perfect timing, but she insisted on going back to her place. Her roommates weren't home (perfect), but her apartments three miles away. We call a taxi and arrive at her place at about 3 AM.
By now, I'm drunker than I've been since freshman year of college. We take one more shot (which if you didn't know by now, will come back to rawdog me in the ass tomorrow) and start making out. I take off her top, and the rest is bliss from there.
After fucking, we're cuddling and super tired and about to pass out when she tells me that she has to be up at 8 AM which is only like four hours from now. She also let's me know her dad is coming to pick her up then.
"You better be out of the apartment before my dad finds you."
"No worries, I'll be outta here early, and I can hide in your roommates bed if I need to."
"K, perfect."
*7:50 AM
Claire is standing above me, shaking me awake. She is dressed up casually, and I remember her dad is about to pick her up. She sends me to her roommates room, as her dad is at the entrance.
I literally feel like I got hit by a fucking truck in the head. My visions spinning, my guts sour, my mouths dry, I feel weak as shit, and I'm still a little drunk. I go into her roommates closet, and lean against one of the corners. I hear her dad come in, and the only thing going through my mind is "don't puke now, don't puke now."
After a minute of conversation with his daughter, they are ready to leave. The room I'm in is right by the main entrance. I start to feel yesterdays mistakes coming up, and I begin to panic. I then puke in my mouth and try to hold it in my mouth as to not spill on her fucking clothes. Of course, that doesn't work and I spray my disgusting cinnamon vomit all over Claire's roommates closet interior. This makes a lovely fucking noise out of my mouth and I then puke another stomachful.
The door to the bedroom opens, and I'm in the closet praying it's Claire. It is... accompanied by her father. I open the closet door, and come out of there looking like shit, shirtless, and I smell like a fucking turd. Claire looks like she's about to cry, and her father is literally looking at me as if I was some fucking shit-covered sewer rat inside the Queen's bedroom. I apologize (to the floor, as I dared not to look them in the eye), and move to the bathroom where I puked the rest of my mistakes out. I hear them leave, and I thank god for the mercy of their absence. I spent the next hour cleaning her closet. I didn't get much on her clothes luckily, but her shoes took a nasty hit.
Claire comes back later (alone) and was pissed the fuck off. She bitched me out for not waking up earlier, and not getting the fuck out. She called me out on my irresponsibility and blah blah blah. I apologized a million times and told her I'd clean up everything and buy her roommate anything that can't be washed out. She finally cooled off, and let me go. Apparently, Claire told her dad that I was the fucked up kid from last night who got taken care of. A great lie, and her dad believed it. Her dad was now under the false belief that maesterchief91 (the biggest, fucking disgusting, sack of shit) didn't bang his beautiful, sweet, lovely daughter.
Also, everything came out of her roommates clothes, so I had to buy her nothing.
TLDR: got wasted, fucked a cute girl, got caught in my worst state next day.
sandman12456: If the dad believed the lie I don't see any fuck up. Got drunk had sex with cute girl? That's a brag not a fuck up.
caffeinefueled: that's a win my book
donaldtrumpwinning: definitely turned out better than expected!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1405313082 | 1405317529 | t3_2an3rz | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting
So today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time in probably about a month.
Right as I was about to come, I farted in his face. Now he is refusing to even touch me....
[deleted]: What a fucking sissy. My latest gf was so comfortable with me we laughed when she queefed. I also was not embarrassed to do my orgasm face when I orgasmed (instead of maintaining the poker face, as I usually do). Tell him to grow a pair.
GreenManTenTon: "Oh my god a human woman farted during sex this has never happened before in the history of the world I'd better punish her somehow." - OP's SO.
| 3 | 9 | |
1405314397 | 1405394271 | t3_2an5dn | t5_2to41 | 23 | nastyidiotthrowaway: TIFU by insisting to share a bed with my cousin
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I'm a 23 yr old male who is going no where fast. Since I have been out of work for a while, I decide to go visit some family out of state. The house I'll be staying at belongs to my 25 yr old female cousin Lucy and her boyfriend David. Lucy's sister, Sarah, who is 21 is also staying at the house for summer break from college.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; This is where I start fucking up. For just about over a year, I have been infatuated with Sarah. She's about 5'6", blonde with an athletic build. Her is ass is very tight and shapely and looks good in anything she puts it in. She has perfect smaller sized perky tits that I can only imagine feel so supple in the palm of a hand.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Over the course of staying at this house for probably about 2 weeks, I became increasingly horny because of living with Sarah. I would softly brush her with my arm when I would walk by her. I would ever so slightly touch her feet with mine when we sat on the couch with our feet up on the cushions. Occasionally I would spank her ass on a walk by, and she would playfully punch me in the arm. I just wanted to feel the warmth of her body whenever I had the chance.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Then things got perverted. She works a lot, so when ever she's gone, I would go into her room and finish my morning sleep or take naps on her bed since I had a makeshift bed as my own and I was always trying to weasel my way into sleeping in bed with her overnight, but only happened once so far. I would go into her laundry and find those beautifully, nasty used panties and thongs of hers. I would rummage through them looking for the nastiest one with all of her dried juices. The sight of that crusty cream made me instantly hard. The whole time I'm just thinking of how wrong this is, but I didn't give a shit because I was holding the garments that were just shoved up against my hot cousins pussy and asshole. Once I got a good one, I would get on her bed, slide my boxers down, and let my good friend flop out to freedom. One hand holding her used panties against my face taking in all the scents of her pussy, and one hand furiously choking the nun. I couldn't get enough of her smell, and because of that, I started to suck on that dried cream. I was literally tasting her pussy. I was in ecstasy. It was the best fap I've ever had. I did this everyday, multiple times.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Toward the end of my stay, she invited me out to a club/lounge with a couple of her friends from work. Her and I had some beer, and a lot of vodka that night. Over the course of the night, we were mostly sitting or standing up against each other. Whenever we were drunkenly talking to each other, the sides of our faces would be pressed together to hear over the loud music. Before we had too much to drink, she randomly mentions that I can sleep in her bed tonight. SCORE. As we got drunker, I slapped her ass a couple times, and she didn't mind it at all. The feeling of her ass is just like UMMMPH. I felt like she was being flirtatious that night, but it could have just been hopes and dreams. The bars in this city don't close until early morning, so we were both super wasted by 4:30am and decide to call it a night. We get our ride, and head home.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Not much happened on the ride home. We were in the back seat talking about the whole night, and just talking about random drunk shit. As drunk as I was, I always remember everything, I'm still well aware of myself. I had my right hand resting on the middle seat beside me, and as we were talking she takes her left hand and sets it on top of mine, but not just in a random way, she squeezed my hand and held it. I reciprocated and wrapped my fingers around hers. We sat like that for the rest of the car ride home as she dozed off.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; We get home, and we start getting ready for bed. Ya know, brushing teeth and shit, and changing out of our smoke saturated clothes. I wait up for her as she goes to the bathroom, to make sure she doesn't fall asleep in there or anything. When she comes back in her tiny booty shorts and sleeping shirt, I take everything off except my boxers. We hop in bed and she's out in like 30 seconds. I stay up for about an hour and a half because I can't fall asleep when I got the spins. I'm messing with my phone, and also slappin' the salmon right next to her. I don't bust though because I want this horniness to last, so I'm just stroking my peepee as I'm looking at that round, tight ass as she sleeps on her side with her back facing me. After a while of this, I finally fall asleep. I wake up a few hours later, with my arm laying over her. I enjoy this feeling, so I keep it there and go back to sleep. She then wakes up, probably feeling uneasy with my arm around her, and gets up to go sleep on the couch. I ask why, and she just says its too hot in here. It really wasn't. FUCK. WHY DID I KEEP MY ARM THERE.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The next morning, she comes back into her room, and I'm already half awake, she sits down on the bed, and we reminisce on the fun we all had last night. She also asks me to fill her in on some parts, starting from the car ride home. Which means she probably didn't remember holding hands. Everything is normal, and we laugh about the night. She starts getting ready for work and heads off about an hour later. I immediately start my routine with her used panties and enjoy the rest of the morning in her bed just fappin' away. In an ugly attempt to be able to feel her body, I text her offering a back rub as a thanks for brining me out last night. She's not going for it. Not one bit. I'm immediately disappointed. I fall asleep for a couple hours and when I awake, I text her again. This time, asking her to let me sleep in her bed more regularly. This goes on for a little while, and I realize that she's probably annoyed with me, judging from the tone of her texts. I give up. At this point, we're both annoyed with each other.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Fast forward to when she get home from work. I stay in my room because I'm not feeling sociable right now, and she's probably annoyed with me anyway. Her and her sister go to take the dogs for a walk. After they leave, I go and grab my clothes I left on Sarah's floor from the previous night. I then see that she left her phone in her room to charge. I drop all morals and ethics immediately, and grab it to snoop. All I want to see is if I'm mentioned anywhere. I use the handy dandy, but kind of shitty, search feature in the iPhones texts and type in my name. Bingo. I click on the first conversation where I'm most recently mentioned. It was with her sister Lucy. I skim quickly, but basically they were talking shit about how Sarah feels like I'm forcing the fact that I want to sleep in the same bed with her, and Lucy saying something about how she and her boyfriend wouldn't ever allow that, let alone Sarah herself. Then Sarah says something about how I think I'm entitled, blah blah blah. Damn this isn't good. Ok next conversation. It's with Sarah's friend, one that I've met a couple of times. It gets bad here. Again, I'm skimming quickly in fear of them coming home at any moment. Basically Sarah tells her friend that she's having a panic attack at work because of something having to do with me. Also, she mentioned to her friend that she wants to tell Lucy that I have to leave, but not specifically tell her why. She then says that she's never been so disturbed. This is all in the context of me. I don't know what she's referring to specifically though because judging from the texts, it looks like they spoke on the phone about the details. I start to panic. I haven't been as sly as I thought I've been. What does she know? What does she think of me now? FUUUUCK. I gotta get out of here. I bolt from her room, and immediately start packing. Everything's together in like 6 minutes, and I throw that shit in my car. I send a quick text to all the family letting them know, and before they get back, I'm gone like the wind. The drive home, I can't stop thinking about what Sarah thinks about me now.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The next morning I text her sorry if I ever made her uncomfortable. She won't admit to the fact that she was uncomfortable though, so we she won't talk anything out with me. Obviously telling her that I snooped her phone isn't an option either. Ill have to wait to talk when she is comfortable. I fear I'm known as a fucking weirdo amongst the family now.
TL;DR Moved in with cute cousin for a couple weeks, started doing some creepy shit involving her, find out she is not as oblivious to it as I think she is, disappear from the scene.
PM_ME_UR_BREASTIES: Damn man... Bad fuck up. Hope all goes well when she finally opens up to you. Try to tell her you realize how creepy you must have sounded and make up some excuse like... "I have had a hard couple of weeks and wanted to just sleep with someone by my side" or some shit. Good luck!
thenagainmaybenot: Or, OP could try not lying to make himself feel better.
PM_ME_UR_BREASTIES: Well that could be the case.... I'm just trying to be nice, you know.
thenagainmaybenot: Making up excuses isn't nice.
PM_ME_UR_BREASTIES: Well it would be better than his cousin freaking out even more than she already has, wouldn't it? He can do whatever he wants. I'm sure my suggestion doesn't matter anyways
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1405317480 | 1406203213 | t3_2an8wt | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my best friend out
Once I met her I instantly fell in love and since have been best friends (I'm a male) over a period of three years I have been trying to impress her. I have spent at least $200 dollars on things either for her or games to play with her (even if I don't like them) I did everything for her then one day I asked wag she would say if I told her that I really liked her and she told me '"I would say that it's cute" upon leaving the bus we were on at the time I heard my name, I turned around and she blew me a kiss, this gave me false hope, thinking maybe she does like me. Since I have told her she was beautiful and has gorgeous eyes and she liked it. Then on the last day of first term I asked her out with a note detailing everything I love about her and why ending with asking her to be my girlfriend. She told me that she's sorry but she is asexual and would probably break my heart, leave me in a ditch and probably take my money.
and either way only thinks of me as a bro and could not ever date me.
Over the break I have felt suicidal and have hated everything I don't even know who I am anymore I tried to make myself feel better by doing things like watching movies, playing games, hanging with friends and masturbating
I watched all my movies, finished all my games, my presence just made my friends bummed because I was depressed and my dick was depressed and wouldn't erect most of the time
I sent her a text saying "sorry I put you in that position, could have been avoided if you weren't as hot as you are"
Guess what?! Her mother checks her messages for things like that and claims 16 is too young to be known as hot
So I apologize "I'm sorry [best friends] mum. If it makes you feel any better your daughter doesn't like me like I like her
I get back to high school (I am 16) and for the whole day it was as though she was pissed at me or something and now I don't know what to do
TLDR- loves best friend--> 3 years
Asks out best friend
Is severely rejected
I assume she hates me
I don't know myself or anything anymore
AvatarOfMadness: ah. Kinda happened to me. She wasn't a bestie but a rather good one. I told her, she very nicely rejected me, saying she didn't want to be in a relationship right now. So my dumbass realizes that I forgot to say some things, so I sounded like a selfish jackass.
I tell her again, but with the lines properly filled.
It ended bad xD she tells me that the entire thing made her uncomfortable and awkward.
lol
Hybrid888: Yeah I have her a note because if I was to say it I would have fucked up and I couldn't have told her exactly how beautiful she is
AvatarOfMadness: random update: her and her best friend hate my guts now, all over bs.
Hybrid888: Ow man. I feel so sorry for you. It's been a week and a half and she has only spoken to me twice in a normal conversation and twice in reference to the whole mother thing
AvatarOfMadness: Yeah it sucks, but i didn't feel too sad since I received all caps rage and a threat. Then her friend told me to leave her alone because I was attacking her and acting on my "wounded pride". What happened was that she'd say something insulting, and try to end it with that. So I would respond each time defending myself. I have no idea where the pride thing came from. It was ridiculous, and I lost two friends because of it. What can you do?
Hybrid888: Apologize. I have been in a situation where she was arguing with one of my other friends, but it was something I had to chose sides with and lost the other friend because of it. I apologized for my actions and that we didn't mean it like that and the other friend was recently helping me with the female perspective of my situation
AvatarOfMadness: I'd agree, but I can't apologize for something I haven't done, and I don't have anything to apologize for. If I said I was sorry, then it'd be a complete lie, and I'm done with that. I don't like to lie at all.
Plus im probably better off.
Hybrid888: Sorry. I'm not like that I'm too, I guess, nice? I have to apologize, I can't stand it when my friends are upset so I have to at least try to comfort them
AvatarOfMadness: I understand, but this isn't the first time I apologized to them for something that didn't need an apology. All it did was carry on the craziness. I had to be honest or no one else would be. A good friend tells it how it is, as nicely as possible, with the best intentions.
At least that's how I see it. But my perception is just as flawed as any other human's.
Hybrid888: Hey, whatever works for you, if you believe in the honest truth like that and you hate to tell what is false but she doesn't like it well your better off. Like at the end of the note I gave her it had 'ps you have a fine body' she said she knows and is proud but yet she sounded offended
| 11 | 1.545455 | |
1405317982 | 1405348532 | t3_2an9gs | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by rejecting a horny girl at a local club
**Let me start this out by saying that this isn't really a regular TIFU, but more a missed opportunity. I just really needed to get this off my chest.**
I'm a virgin. I don't party much. Maybe once every two months, if the opportunity even arises. This weekend, my friends were going downtown to visit some other friends who flew in from across the country and invited me over to a night out, so I joined them without much hesitation. We were only going to be at a small local club for an hour or so until we got drunk enough to go waste our money at the local casino.
Before I go on, I have to briefly explain the layout of this club. It's basically separated in the middle by a counter with some chairs overlooking the dance floor. On the other side of the counter is a small bar where I ordered my drinks. My friends go on the dance floor while I decide to sit at the counter and watch them dance.
A couple drinks later, I see a girl dancing very provocatively, rubbing her ass in front of another girl. I notice it and I naturally get turned on. I look at her and she looks at me, temporarily locking our eyes. I quickly look away since I don't know what to expect from looking at another girl dance. I look back and here we are, making eye contact and smiling at each other. I enjoy it.
I think nothing more of it while my friends get off the dance floor and tell me that they're ready to go to the casino. Out of the blue, the girl that was dancing comes up to me, really close-like and starts rubbing up against me. I'm frozen stiff at this point, not knowing what to do. This never happens to me so my stupid immediate reaction was to get out of there. I offered some small talk like "great music", "you're a good dancer", "I gotta leave real soon". She didn't say much, but as soon as she heard me say I had to go, she just walks away, while I walk away in the opposite direction.
And here I am, with no number and no name. And still with my virginity. Shame...
**TL,DR**: I was approached by a 9/10 chick and rejected her when I should've asked for a number.
[deleted]: You didn't really fuck up, that is club life 101. You didn't get what you wanted, but she did: Attention. Those type of girls are a dime a dozen. It is very common for attractive girls to be praised by their parents on how cute and beautiful they are, followed by years of constant pursuing in the middle school and high school years which lead to a life long thirst for attention. Seriously, that is all those type of girls go to a club for. You were just a quick ego boost for her, and if you continue going to clubs you will have many more experiences similar to this, because those girls are experienced at getting free drinks, that's the nightlife.
Lurkndood: This is the correct answer.
| 3 | 7 | |
1405319847 | 1405320473 | t3_2anbhj | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by coming in my pants
Well today my girlfriend was over at my house and we started making out which is what usually happens. A few times in the past she's gotten on top of me and dry humped me and nothing really happened. This time though I'm not sure what happened but I came after about a minute of it and I had to tell her. We didn't really know how to react and it wasn't too messy. I feel really embarrassed that it happened and I couldn't help stop from doing it. She did say it was okay and we both decided to just ignore it and not talk about it and slow things down. Btw this is my first girlfriend and I'm 16 so I'm not sure what this says about me.
Dick--Justice: It means you are a homosexual and must immediately break up with your girlfriend and frequent gay clubs.
I'm sorry to be the once to tell you this.
6romperstomper9: I concur.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405319882 | 1405441036 | t3_2anbiv | t5_2to41 | 1,010 | mightybeggar: TIFU by logging into my gmail on my gf's phone. wtf google?!
today i logged into my gf's iphone to check my email and logged back out. about an hour ago she asked me "did you type in 'how to peel off a sunburn' in my phone?" i thought of the time i typed it in google on my own laptop, at home, about a week ago (when i got back from a day trip to a lake, had a horrible sunburn) but i didn't remember typing that in her phone. i told her i didn't type that in, but that was really weird. she didn't believe me and we got into a tiny argument over this, after a minute i was convinced i must've searched it on her phone some time in the last week. then she asks me if i typed in "how to program at&t remote to tv" and that had to be me but i knew i didn't type that in her phone either, i knew i searched that in my laptop just yesterday. right then i realized my chrome search history must've been updated to her phone when i logged into gmail, even though i logged back out.
i remember seeing something on chrome about a new feature where you take your tabs with you on a smart phone, so you can pick up where you left off. apparently they take your search history too, and who knows what else, and put it on whatever device you log into. i was absolutely sure i logged out of gmail, i'm always careful about those things. her iphone must've automatically updated that feature without her noticing, i know she uses chrome on her laptop too.
so i explained that whole thing to her and that was where everything went downhill. she started looking further and further into the history and read all sorts of humiliating things out loud to me on the phone, like "filipina milf pov" "bangbros milfs hd" "asian orgy pov" and the list goes on and on.
she knows i watch porn and she's ok with that but this was just plain fucking embarrassing, everything i've ever searched in google chrome in the palm of her hand, not just porn but anything i've had the curiosity to search, absolutely nothing i can do about it. i asked her very politely to just delete everything because it's a big invasion of my privacy. i love her very much and trust her, but would you do read through the list or delete it right away? just keep scrolling a little bit, seeing more and more bizarre things and eventually find out all sorts of shit you never would've known?
i am praying she deleted it when she said she did, we made up and i told her i trust her and tried to end the conversation nicely. but i'm losing sleep over this, and i feel pretty violated. who else's phone have i ever logged into gmail with? who else can see my entire google search history whenever they please??
what the fuck, google?!
Sometimes_Lies: So, just a PSA.
If you go to http://google.com/history you can manually review your search history and delete searches.
Also, if you go to gmail's web interface and scroll to the very bottom of the page, in the bottom right it will say:
"Last account activity: x (hours/minutes/days/etc) ago.
Details."
Click where it says "details." If multiple devices/locations are logged into your account, the details page will allow you to log everyone but you out.
DickTater87: Honestly, it's hard for me to trust Chrome with porn anymore. Incognito mode, all the time, every time. The wife and I have too many shared devices.
gildme: Use a different browser, and hide the icon. No incognito necessary. EG: have Firefox using Bing (for their excellent video search and play) use some boring file icon somewhere nobody would look or notice it, and you'll never have to clear history or use incognito. It wont sync since you don't use that browser anywhere else except at home for porn, and it will remember your history, bookmarks, search terms etc, giving you all the benefits of a browser with none of the embarrassing exposure risks.
arcticblue: Or just create a new profile in Chrome that's not signed in to a Google account. It's right on the main Settings page...just click the "Add new user" button.
gildme: Great, easy to access, for anyone... which defeats the purpose.
magus424: Stop sharing user accounts?
gildme: One does not simply tell their girlfriend "no, you can't use my computer unless you log out and use this sterilised account I made for you".
magus424: Why not? Basic computer security. *Nobody* accesses my user account.
It's never unlocked when I leave the PC either...
forte_bass: Likewise - see above.
| 10 | 101 | |
1405320082 | 1405393761 | t3_2anbr1 | t5_2to41 | 347 | iamabadatheist: TIFU by laughing at work.
I work in Healthcare and occasionally I have to draw patients' blood as part of my job. Tonight, I got the call for a blood draw so I went up to the patient's room. She was laying in bed, her husband sitting next to her, and they were watching something on TV.
I introduce myself and start to get my supplies ready when the patient asks me if I believe in prayer. Now I am a devout atheist, but I don't see any need to tell her that. I actually see quite a few patients who will ask me to keep them in my prayers or whatever. I usually just smile, say "sure of course" and continue about my business.
But this time was different. This time the patient asked me if I would pray with her before I drew her blood. I reply, "Uhh sure, no problem" but in my head I'm panicking. I don't know how to pray! Do I have to bow my head? Do I have to close my eyes? Do I have to clasp my hands or can I keep getting my supplies ready? Do I have to say anything? So, I'm already feeling awkward and panicky when she starts her prayer. I awkwardly angle my head down as I continue to get my stuff ready. She and her husband have their eyes closed anyway, so they won't know what I'm doing, right?
She reached out her arm, and I grabbed it and slapped a tourniquet on there. It was habit. Then I realize that her other arm is also outstretched, and her husband has grasped her hand. He's also holding his other hand out towards me. Fuck. I'm supposed to be holding hands here, not putting on tourniquets. So I quickly take the tourniquet off, take my gloves off, and grab both of their hands. This is awkward as fuck and I'm trying my hardest to curb my nervous laughter. Let us pray.
She asked God to guide me as I utilized this skill that He had blessed me with. This almost made me chuckle, because I am not good at phlebotomy. I mean, I'm trained to do it and it usually goes okay, but it is definitely not a "gift that I have been blessed with". She goes on for another few minutes, mostly praying for me to be able to get her blood and...I don't even remember what else. This whole scenario was new to me; I was just glad it was almost over with. But then, as soon as she stops talking, her husband starts up with a prayer of his own. More prayers for me, and some for his wife too. Now he stops talking. Fuck fuck fuck. Am I supposed to pray here? Can't I just drop their hands, draw her blood, and get out of here?
I'm overwhelmed with nervous energy, and feel almost giddy. I simply say "Amen" and drop both of their hands. I look up and they're both looking at me with a kind of surprised/confused expression. That pushes me over the top. The absurdity of the situation combined with the awkwardness and uncomfortableness makes me bust out in laughter. It probably takes me a good 2-3 minutes to get it together, every time I started to calm down I would just crack up again. Meanwhile, they're both just staring at me. Not laughing, not even smiling.
I incoherently mumble an apology under my breath, citing something on the TV as the reason for my laughter outburst. Nobody says a word. As quickly as I can, I draw her blood and pack up all my stuff. Still nobody is talking. I mutter a quiet goodbye as I leave. They don't say anything in reply. I know I'm going to get talked to tomorrow about this...
Fidget6: That's amazing. I constantly laugh at inappropriate times so I feel your pain. Life's pretty absurd in general, sometimes you just have to laugh at it. Usually if I start to have a giggle fit it will eventually cause other people to laugh too. Too bad your patient didn't have a sense of humor. I'm still chuckling at the image of them looking at you expectantly and you just ending it with an awkward "Amen."
annoyedatwork: Are you the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral?
breasticon: I can't understand what you mean...
MarinaAquamarina: You soon will.
iamabadatheist: I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve.
StoneTheKrow: I have a history of losing my shirt.
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| 9 | 38.555556 | |
1405322893 | 1405367964 | t3_2anef8 | t5_2to41 | 88 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating without lube
I only started masturbating this year although I am of legal (US) drinking age which I feel the need to inform you people not only because it is freaky deaky and fun to brag about but also because I am still really fumbling my way around figuring out how is best for me to masturbate and that fumbling about directly lead to tonight.
Up until recently I've wanked exclusively and in the shower so as not to subject my dormmates or family to the sounds of it, I decided I needed to stop when showering started to make me horny. So now the procedure goes: wank before bed with spit, shower before bed to get spit off my member, and finally go to bed relaxed in more than one way. Today I had already taken a shower after having worked out so I decided to rub one out dry so as not to have to go all the way through tonight and tomorrow with an unwashed, dried-saliva-laden wang (I'm a tad of a germaphobe, sue me).
So I start going at it slow, get half of an erection, am not quite feel anything so I get a bit rougher and faster which feels a bit better. My hand is extremely dry so at this point it begins to sound like I am sanding a model boat. After briefly pausing to stare at the bathroom's A/C vent which is notorious for carrying crystal clear 5:1 surround sound to other parts of our house and just as briefly wondering why a human such as me exists, I resumed "pleasuring" myself. And this is when a nice small pink droplet decides to descend from my penis and plop down in the toilet bowl I planned on depositing my excretions in to.
I stared into the blood droplet and it stared right back. This couldn't be happening, I cannot be about to go to the emergency room at one in the goddamn morning because I am pissing or cumming or precumming blood. Is there any way I can wait on this and just pray that my reproductive abilities stay intact?
Okay, I decided, first I check my piss and semen, and if either yield more blood I am going to the ICU ASAP. I was currently holding in a small amount of piss and thusly let it go. A few drops but they weren't bloody in the least so my fears were slightly eased. I dabbed away the remaining droplet of piss that I couldn't shake out to be greeted by a faint red spot on the second dab. Next I used some lotion I'd used previously when I didn't want to use spit and all the fantasies I could muster to make myself cum as fast as possible. The results were the whitest cum I have ever seen which just left me perplexed. Looking at the small pink spot on my small wad of toilet paper I again dabbed at the very tip of my penis. Another tiny pink spot appeared.
Thinking I had figured it out I examined the tip of my penis, twisting it around so I could see the bottom and stretching the hole a bit wider. And, sure enough, there was a small abrasion on the very bottom of the very tip bleeding very slightly. I fucking suck.
narnicorn: This is my new argument to why foreskins are good
noobercakes: Indeed. I don't think I've ever masturbated with lube.
PNG-Master-Race: I get off all the time without lube and I'm cut. :o
ihaveawhalefetish: I also get off all the time without lube, but i'm less than half circumsized so i don't even need lube nor will i ever need it to get off due to i still have most of my foreskin :3
DickTater87: Is there such a thing as a partial circumcision? Were your parents trying to get it done in installments and then gave up? I feel like that would be similar to getting a partial haircut, but way weirder.
ihaveawhalefetish: Partial cuts exist if I remember correctly. no clue about where I was cut, but my mother told the doctor to stop because I looked like I was in a lot of pain so that could be why I'm half cut?
PNG-Master-Race: Well duh you were in pain... Lol
Sounds like that could be an interesting conversation starter ;D
| 8 | 11 | |
1405323265 | 1405326782 | t3_2aneqw | t5_2to41 | 22 | potlabor: tifu by signing up to the Australian labor party
So, this is a pretty long story and ultimately leads back to the labor party..
I'm 18 and about 6 weeks ago I decided that because I wasn't getting many shifts at work I wanted to make money some other way. Ding, pot. I looked into it. A gram in aus sells for $15-$20. A plant yields upwards of 200 grams. More if you get a good strain. So I ordered some seeds, and they came the next week. 20, now at my mums house I was home alone for a month so the stars had seemed to align. I started the grow the day they left. Bought all the gear you need, lights (very pricy). Nutrients and everything. I was set. The grow went well, obviously it takes longer than 4 weeks to get to flowering so I got my mate in on it, he was renovation a shed in his backyard for his new room, and there was a big attic space, so we divided a 3rd into what would be our grow room. But he wasn't done renovating when the 4 weeks came up. So I panicked a little. I bought a small grow tent and put 4 plants in my room at my dads house, he lives downstairs and never ventures into my room. After a week the room stunk a bit and when you went in you could hear the fans. But nothing from outside. This lasted for 3 weeks without him finding out. Now today is Monday, he is flying overseas for the next 3 weeks in a few hours. About 4 hours ago my mum comes into my room saying my dad discovered my little pot farm. (She was more angry than him which I later find out) so she tells me to get on a bus/train/bus to my dads. Its about an hour trip. Plenty of time to think and reflect. I get to my dads, and he's pretty calm, he says he's just disappointed and has thrown all the stuff out at the tip. I asked him if he wanted all the details and he said ok. I told him it was medicinal marijuana and that it doesn't give you the typical high feeling, it was to sell and I told him what kind of money is in it. He said he wasn't very angry just disappointed that I'd done it in his house.
So here's the kicker. Like 3 months ago I saw a movie with my dad and my cousin, my cousin is pretty into the whole political scene and got my to sign up to the labor party. The letter came today so my dad was putting it in my room. Like are you fucking serious, I chuckled. I'm glad my parents were quite calm about it.
Now, I'm thinking if I should go to the tip and get the lights..
Thanks for reading
Tl;dr I was growing pot and the only reason my dad went into my room is because I got a congratulations on being a member letter from the labor party.
cascadetiger: Should have joined the Liberals, your dad would probably have binned the letter and never entered your room. Plus you would have pot to sell to the PuP senators (or are they on crack? Hard to tell...)
6romperstomper9: Should have joined the Greens.
potlabor: Lol wow good point I really should have
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1405323522 | 1405330928 | t3_2aneyo | t5_2to41 | 20 | sexyboipierced: TIFU: let my g/f meet my hooker
So my g/f was complaining that the guy she always buys weed from was out of town and wanted me to hook her up. So I call my weed girl that also is a pro on the side (hey girls got to eat right?) so I figure short car trip and no big deal, the pro and I have a back story planned for when we meet people. within 10 minutes they both love true blood, boxed wine, and shoe shopping. Lets trade phone numbers. As big as LA is this is the two that connect in a ten min car trip.
This could end very baddly
[deleted]: Tell the hooker if she says anything to the gf you'll report her to the authorities for crimes against nature.
6romperstomper9: The only possible outcome I can see is a pretty stoned 3 way.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1405326786 | 1405353222 | t3_2anhm3 | t5_2to41 | 17 | theres_always_one49: TIFU by drinking too much NSFW
I fell off the wagon and drank way too much with a guy I really like. Before said drinking, I had heard on good authority he may have liked me too. But of course I fucked it up by hanging out with him and both of us had waaaay too much to drink. The end of the night is extremely fuzzy, and we woke up naked in bed together (that being said, I know for a fact we didn't have sex, there's tell tale signs of that). So now any shot I had at a relationship with this guy is, well, shot.
sandman12456: How is it shot?
theres_always_one49: Basically I feel as though I've lost his respect, and even respect for myself.
TheTjalian: Ehh, I wouldn't sweat it too much. I mean, yeah, I understand that you feel you've lost respect for yourself, but don't assume his respect for you too quickly.
After all, he was drinking as well, so it wasn't like you got drunk alone. Give him a ring in a day or two after the hangover has worn off and just gauge his reaction. If he seems light hearted and at ease just make a slight joke about it and carry on.
I've been crazy drunk before and actually got injured in the process (Christmas work party, long story) and I assumed that I had basically destroyed my reputation. Turns out not really and got had a few laughs at my expense and that was pretty much it. Even my bosses boss thought it was amusing and that was pretty much the end of it.
Tl;dr everyone gets too drunk at times, even him, so just play it cool and give him a ring in a day or two.
GoldenWizard: I disagree with you. No, "everyone" does not get too drunk at times. It's a decision to drink and if you can't live with your decisions after drinking then you shouldn't drink.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1405327154 | 1405377217 | t3_2anhvv | t5_2to41 | 41 | peesonants: TIFU by peeing by the side of a road
This happened many years ago to my cousin when we were children but I still find it hilarious so I figured I’d share this memory with you.
Backstory:
I lived in NC, and my cousin and her mother were visiting us from Germany for a couple of months. In the middle of their stay, hurricane Fran hit and trashed our area – there was no power, houses were damaged (down the street a roof literally flipped over onto its side), there were broken trees everywhere, no electricity. My dad realized it was gonna takes weeks for maintenance crews to clean and fix everything so he was like fuck this shit lets go somewhere else. And so he rented us a beach house in South Carolina for two weeks.
Story:
We were coming back from a fun two weeks by the sea, and we were a few hours away from home when my cousin says she has to pee. I’ll mention at this point that my cousin was a whiny little thing with a tendency to throw tantrums and cry her ass off for literally almost no reason. You will see how this is a relevant feature later on.
So my cousin starts complaining that she has to pee, she has to pee. The next rest stop wasn’t for many miles so my parents decided we’d just stop by the side of the road and she’d go into the bushes and pee there.
The car stopped, we all climbed out to stretch our legs and my mom pointed my cousin in the direction of a few bushes that would give her a bit of privacy. So my cousin disappears behind the bushes. After a few moments we hear her crying and yelling. Since crying and yelling was her MO, nobody really payed attention to it at first. We figured it was just one of her “moments”. But the crying didn’t stop. A couple minutes had passed but it just got louder and louder and sounded painful. Realizing something had happened, my mom and aunt ran over to my cousin. I followed them cuz I knew some interesting shit was going down and I didn’t want to miss out.
It turned out that my cousin had squatted to pee, but lost her balance and fell flat on her ass. However, instead of getting up, she had just sat there and peed. What the poor thing didn’t realize was that her butt fell smack in the center of a fire ant hill. And the fire ants clearly didn’t like their large invader and the golden rain it brought and they proceeded to climb all over her and bite here everywhere. That’s why she was screaming and crying. She was being bitten all over her body by ants, and not just regular ants like they had at her home in Germany, but our special brand of ants from fiery hell. Hundreds and hundreds of them. So she panicked and just sat there in her pool of pee and ants and screamed.
My mom and aunt understandably freaked out. My aunt started using her hand to try to swat the ants off, but there were too many of them and it wasn’t working too well, so my mom ran to the car to find something else. All we had left was a huge bottle of warm coke, but that was better than nothing, so she carried it over to my cousin and proceeded to pour it all over her to get the ants off. Most of the ants washed off, but warm coke is very sticky so some of the ants got stuck to her skin and they had to pull them off her, one by one.
Once they got rid of the ants and my cousin’s hysterics had dropped to a tolerable level we got back into the car and continued our journey home. She must have been in so much pain, and she was all sticky from the coke. She was crying the entire way back… But I think that my laughing at her the entire time may have contributed a bit to her anguish…
And so dear friends, the lesson is this: If you have to pee in the wild, double check the location you choose. And if you happen to choose a location with fire ants, try not to fall over. If you do fall over, get up quickly; do not proceed to sit there. You have been warned.
TL;DR: peeing on fire ants is not a good idea
RyanSH12: I'm glad I'm a guy and can pee standing up!
Iceducky: we don't even have to stop the car, just roll down the window!
TheBomar: Window doesn't work, open that damn door.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1405329143 | 1405340652 | t3_2anjhq | t5_2to41 | 69 | runninblue: TIFU by opening my eyes.
I'm sleeping on a relative's floor for a couple of days and while just barely awake I heard a noise. I opened my eyes just as my dad stepped over my head wearing nothing but very loose boxers.
mattypanda: At least he didn't tea bag you. Because he could have.
emilskoda: Maybe he did
Braffe: http://i.imgur.com/g1GTW3v.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/ScientificThunderousLadybird](http://gfycat.com/ScientificThunderousLadybird)
---
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| 5 | 13.8 | |
1405328448 | 1405650920 | t3_2anixl | t5_2to41 | 2 | bugsmourn: TIFU By calling the principal a nazi dickhead
So this was 6th grade, And being loner me I was skipping gym to sit at a table and read. While reading someone came up beside me and said "Shouldnt you be in class instead of reading" Without thinking of anything except how mad I was that I was disturbed reading my fucken choose your own adventure book I shouted "Fuck off you nazi dickhead"
It was the principal
1 week suspension
He made my entire middle school hell from then on
He pretty much became what I called him.
GoldenWizard: How is this TODAY if it was in sixth grade? Wrong sub man.
zer0t3ch: 6th graders can use reddit too.
GoldenWizard: OP isn't in sixth grade. He proceeds to say what happened "for the rest of middle school" in the post.
zer0t3ch: I never said he was.
GoldenWizard: The point I'm making is this subreddit is called Today I F'd Up. This happened a long time ago and OP is just now posting it? Give me a break. Karma whore somewhere else OP.
thegreenribbon: If you're gonna bitch and moan about people not following the rules you should probably know them yourself.
Rule number 1:
> All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up **doesn't** need to be from today.
inakzeptabel: He claimed that on phone there's no sidebar when I told him to stop reposting.. he's the karma whore
| 8 | 0.25 | |
1405332679 | 1405333120 | t3_2anm9a | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting stuck in a kangaroo pouch for 2 hours.
Went to the zoo today. Now as a 6ft 6 man child I thought I would attempt to fit into a statue kangaroos pouch for what at the time seemed like a golden photo opportunity. As i squeezed in my over sized shoulders and head, barely managing to crown the pouch I decided to that maybe it wasn't.
To my dismay I was stuck so i laid their like a hopeless fetus, half in half out never a true kangaroo. Zoo staff tried to remove me for about 2 hours until finally something shifted and I was horribly birthed back into the world, surrounded cheering crowed of 8 year olds and red faced parents.
BoredDellTechnician: Picture of you surrounded by the crowd OP.
quornhole: Unfortunately there isn't to my knowledge, I had this photo as I asked the keeper to take it on my phone. But I apologize for not being able to provide you with proof.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405333714 | 1405375776 | t3_2ann2n | t5_2to41 | 221 | Harry101UK: TIFU by pointing my camera at a 1 year-old
So, I was sitting in a café at Seattle Tacoma airport with a friend, waiting for a flight back home. Another friend on Facebook messaged me, asking for a photo of us for some reason, so I decided to take a picture of the two of us at the table.
I held out the iPad in front of me, 'selfie'-style, to try and get us both in the shot. I held it up for what must have been 20 seconds, pulling really weird faces and taking several photos, with audible 'shutter clicks'.
Eventually I'm done, and slowly lowered the iPad, only to see that the outfacing camera was pointed directly at a 1 year-old child sitting in an opposite seat. The child is looking at me and smiling......then I looked right and noticed his father, just staring at me and slowly shaking his head left and right! He looked like he wanted to kill me. At this point, the mother also turned around and looked at me; wondering why her husband was giving the death-stare.
[My reaction.](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/16065019/Images/Other/OHSHI50.gif)
My jaw dropped and eyes widened as I slowly realised what it looked like! I stuttered and basically said "Oh...god! It's not what it looks like!" I quickly explained what I was doing and showed them the photo I just took of myself, and they seemed to take it in good humour...
My friend and I laughed for a good long time, both in the terminal, and then on the plane. =P
TL:DR - watch where you selfie
Bananaboatsunshine: How is this your fuck up? Parents needs to stop the bullshit about thinking everyone is a fucking pedo. I do photography as a hobby, I have been approached multiple times by parents asking me to put it away, even though it is just over my shoulder or they have seen it in my bag with the lens cap on.
It got to the point I just tell them to fucked off, some have even threatened to call the cops. All for just having a SLR camera with me. I what one to call the cops just to get them to look through my camera just to prove to the fucking idiots they are paranoid.
[deleted]: You sound awfully defensive. You ever heard of the saying "whoever denied it supplied it?"
YouWantALime: It's true though. I think parents are the defensive ones.
we_are_all_bananas_2: Agreed. Whenever we, my wife and I, come across a kid who lost his parents or whatever and we try to help out, the parents come running with a look that kills like you are trying to take their child. It's understandable, you lost your child for a moment, you look for them in panic, there they are, ah, talking to some complete strangers...it's often on the news and your biggest fear. (Besides the wife or kids finding your porn collection apparently)
But...hello, don't you see the kid in the stroller we have with us? It's enough to have this one, so take your child and leash it properly o.k.?
rugerty100: > But...hello, don't you see the kid in the stroller we have with us?
That could be another victim. xD
we_are_all_bananas_2: Actually, sometimes when I take my littlest one for a walk some people can look at me like I just stole her. Sometimes it gives me the creeps and I start talking to her and say her name and stuff. "Look at us, we know eachother!" I get it, pedo's are a hot topic over here and has been for a couple of years now, but sometimes I feel this is getting out of hand. I stopped talking to kids because of this, you know, like the good old days used to be when not every guy who talks to your kids wants to abduct them.
But I have kids. I totally understand the fear. Worst nightmare.
| 7 | 31.571429 | |
1405337939 | 1405347813 | t3_2anqj5 | t5_2to41 | 9 | winter_love: TIFU by leaving $40 at the ATM
I went to take money out of the ATM and (having my mind on life problems) forgot to take my money after taking my card. I just hope I made the day of whoever found them and that they go to good use.
theyellowshark: Now they're are alot of factors.. What kinda ATM? Was it the ATM at your bank? Or one of those 3rd party ones that are in Casino's, Gas stations, and such that just put the money in a despenser.. if it was in your Banks ATM, was it a public place, not a bank? (sometimes they're in malls and such)
if there was 40 bucks in a bank machine unattended.. i would take it, But wait around the machine for 15 - 20 or so.. You dont overly forget that you didnt take the money for very long..... How Canadian of me Eh?
winter_love: my bank's ATM at a mall. It was late (7 ish) almost all shops closed but still a few people.
theyellowshark: Mall ATM? Some 13 Year old kid deff took it.. We've all been young once.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1405340616 | 1405433110 | t3_2ant65 | t5_2to41 | 1,700 | sagull: TIFU by jerking off into my sock
~~I'm browsing 4chan, I come across a porn thread, I get aroused, and its time to fap. I'm beating it to this one video and I'm about to blow. So naturally I grab my sock that was right next to me on the floor and I'm about to cum into it to avoid making a mess.~~
~~Turns out that I'd used this sock to jerk off yesterday and I hadn't cleaned up. My sweet semen attracted some nice little cockroaches. In the heat of the moment I didn't check the sock for fucking roaches and I just shoved my dick inside with out a second thought. I leave the sock on for a couple of seconds and then I feel my foreskin being tickled, I yank the sock off, and lo and behold a couple of roaches fall out and one is still sitting on my dick. I am terrified of any insect, cockroaches especially. I'm completely mortified at this point and I start screaming like a little girl to get it off me. Eventually, my vigorous shaking got rid of it. It fell to the floor and is still crawling around somewhere along with its two friends. I'll never be able to jerk off into a sock again.~~
~~TL;DR - I jerked off into a sock that was previously stained with my semen. My semen attracted roaches and as I jerked off with the sock, I jerked off with the roaches too.~~
**UPDATED:**
I'm browsing 4chan, I come across a porn thread, I get aroused, and its time to fap. I'm beating it to this one video and I'm about to blow. So naturally I grab my sock that was right next to me on the floor and I'm about to cum into it to avoid making a mess.
Turns out that I'd used this sock to jerk off yesterday and I hadn't cleaned up. My sweet semen attracted some nice little **beetles**. In the heat of the moment I didn't check the sock for fucking **beetles** and I just shoved my dick inside with out a second thought. I leave the sock on for a couple of seconds and then I feel my foreskin being tickled, I yank the sock off, and lo and behold a couple of tiny **beetles** fall out and one is still sitting on my dick. I am terrified of any insect, **beetles** especially. I'm completely mortified at this point and I start screaming like a little girl to get it off me. Eventually, my vigorous shaking got rid of it. It fell to the floor and is still crawling around somewhere along with its two friends. I'll never be able to jerk off into a sock again.
TL;DR - I jerked off into a sock that was previously stained with my semen. My semen attracted **beetles** and as I jerked off with the sock, I jerked off with the **beetles** too.
**___________________________________________________________**
**EDIT: I JUST FOUND OUT THEY ARE NOT ROACHES**
**The bug I found seems to be a baby [Hardwood Stump Borer Beetle] (http://www.insectidentification.org/insect-description.asp?identification=Hardwood-Stump-Borer-Beetle), not a cockroach. Apparently these things can bite, but at least I wasn't bitten, so i've got that going for me, which is nice.**
**___________________________________________________________**
***Originally when I posted this a couple of hours ago, I thought they were roaches. People began to call me dirty for that and recommended I hire an exterminator. After I saw one of these "roaches" crawling around again, I killed it and I took a closer look at it. I looked up "small cockroaches" on google images and quickly realized that these were not cockroaches. Instead, they are likely baby Hardwood Stump Borer Beetles. These kinds of beetles aren't attracted to filth at all, they were just attracted to the protein in my semen. So if everyone could stop calling me out for having a filthy home, that'd be great. Thank You.***
jensenj2: **Cock**roaches. Brilliant.
sagull: I would give you gold if I wasn't broke as shit.
Partridge01: Gold for that comment? Really? Also, clean your house.
sagull: My house is clean. My room is just messy, I have clothes laying around. No food or anything like that though.
catsNpokemon: It may be clean but you should really take the advice people are giving. I had roaches in my old house and while it was clean, I saw a cockroach. My dad immediately bought a trap and there were like 12 of them. Never saw one again and thank God they didn't multiply to uncomfortable levels.
Doesn't matter if your house is clean, if you see one or two and LEAVE them be, chances are they're multiplying and THAT'S when your house becomes disgusting.
impulsiveboner: I see many of of you saying roaches in walls and floors and such, all the houses I have ever lived in have solid concrete walls and marble floors never had any shit with roaches or insects or termites anything literally. The only problem in these houses come from black ants those guys can fucking eat though anything! I have never been able to figure out why people make homes from wood. Concrete and stone is much more long lasting and sturdy in case of severe weather.
rumor33: What kind of place did you live in with soild marble floors and solid concrete walls? The most glamorous prison ever?
impulsiveboner: I live in India! :D We make houses out of stone and marble only wood rots away in just a single year.
rumor33: Ah! That makes sense!
| 10 | 170 | |
1405341008 | 1405387431 | t3_2antmf | t5_2to41 | 638 | Stickmanman: TIFU by getting a tattoo on my butt.
(Throwaway for obvious reasons.) This was a few days ago now but this is the first chance I've had to post it. Alright, so some mates and I decided to have a few drinks together as we usually do every now and then. After having a bit too much to drink, we decided to call another mate who has a tattoo gun and get some mad matching tattoos... Except they weren't going to be some big amazing work of art.
We decided to do something we've joked about for close to 4 years now.. We got stick-men masturbating, tattooed on our freaking butt cheeks. They're there. For life. On our butts. Fuck.
**TL:DR - Got drunk. A mate and I got stick-men masturbating tattooed on our butts.**
wofedoge: pics or it didn't happen
Stickmanman: Here: http://imgur.com/IT1drkM
wofedoge: lol good one, hard times though at least not that many people get to see your ass so it aint that bad
Stickmanman: That's true at least.
wofedoge: maybe your new pick up line can be "bet I can jerk off on you with my back turned" ahh ahhh? :DDD
Stickmanman: Hahaha, I'll give that a go one day
solicitorpenguin: No... don't...
jmckee3: Don't you tell him what to do! It's his life and he'll make the best pick up line ever if he wants to lol
| 9 | 70.888889 | |
1405342455 | 1405377132 | t3_2anv8p | t5_2to41 | 24 | IhoLMZ: TIFU By not checking for toilet roll
So im sat at work, time goes by, and the nature calls. So I go to the toilet having a number 2, after around 10-15 minutes I feel empty so reach for the toilet roll, only to find there was no toilet roll.
This was the ONE time I didn't take my phone. I'm panicking, alot. Frantically looking around to find some toilet roll. None. Anywhere.
Now I hate wearing shoes with no socks, I hate wearing no boxer shorts.
Please bear in mind, that I was in a disabled toilet at the time which opens next to window overlooking an incredibly busy business park. This was no option. I didnt want to waddle to cause a bigger mess in **THAT** region.
Still panicking, frantically, I realise I have a t-shirt on underneath my hoodie. This was it. This was my way out. I used it, and found no place to put it. I tried dumping in the sanitary bin, wouldn't fit. Couldn't flush it. Only thing I could do was to dump it in the bin and tie the bag.
I feel sorry for the cleaner.
TL/DR - Had a shit, used a tshirt to wipe.
karamichellew: I feel like the cleaner has to have at least some part in this fuck up. If ya don't provide enough TP, then you're bound to have a bad time cleaning up. I have a janitor friend who learned to start the TP roll, so he doesn't have to clean ripped shreds of paper off the floor from folks clawing at it.
mk907: Not always true. Where I work I don't order or retrieve paper products. It's the company's responsibility. They don't provide toilet paper I can't put it on the dispenser. Tough shit for them when they neglect to do it even after multiple notes of running low to being out.
karamichellew: Good point.
| 4 | 6 | |
1405345680 | 1405357330 | t3_2anza0 | t5_2to41 | 142 | blunttastic: TIFU by making fun of my boss's cancer
My boss and I are always joking around. He usually come in my office and punches me or just talks shit, we work construction. Well he walks in this morning and again starts fucking with me, he gives me a punch on the shoulder and I respond by telling him "You're gonna break your wrist old man". He then tells me to let an old man see what's left in the tank and pulls back. Recently he has been going to the doctor to cut out some spots on the back of his hand that were diagnosed as skin cancer. He punches me in the shoulder and I respond with "Is that shit contagious" I only was joking and know it's not contagious but as soon as I said it I felt like an ass. He didn't say much except that he was going Thursday to get another fillet off his hand. Don't know if I owe the old man an apology.
So today I fucked up by making fun of my boss's skin cancer.
kjtest21: I think you should apologize for good will. Some men are notorious for hiding shit like that until its brought up, you might have really fucked with his head
[deleted]: Also joking about something being contagious is basically the least funny joke you can make to a person with a chronic condition.
kjtest21: Exactly.
| 4 | 35.5 | |
1405345816 | 1405347586 | t3_2anzg5 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Bob002: TIFU by losing part of my genital jewelry at my bosses' house
First, for those of you that are super excited, I'm a guy. I've had a Prince Albert (which goes into my urethra through the bottom and out the front) for about 7-8 years now. I've stretched it from about an 8 gauge to a 2 gauge.
My boss bought a house about 6 or so months ago in a bigger town about 30 miles away. Why, I still have no idea. She is in her mid-70s at this point, has a decent sized house already, and has no real reason to buy another house. But, she did. So, it was sort of dated (wall paper, wet bar, huge fireplace), so she paid to have some work done to it. Off and on she has used my coworker and I to help clean things up and do minor things, as well.
A few weeks ago, everything was finally finished and she mentioned coming up for dinner so my wife (and his gf) could see what we'd been working on. We get everything set up, and this last weekend arrives. My wife and I take our kids, go up there, and are hanging out, watching the World Cup.
At some point, I stand up, and I hear something hit the ground. No idea what it is at this point. I know I don't have anything in my pockets. I kneel down, looking under the couch, see nothing. Sweep my hand underneath, nothing. Shrug and decide to go on about my business.
Fast forward another couple hours and we arrive home. I have to use the restroom. I finish and go sit down at my computer. At this point I notice something is off. I stand up, and my ring falls out the leg of my shorts. It's at that point I realize the sound I heard was one of the ends hitting the ground.
I tell my wife. She goes "Oh, I saw it.", but didn't realize what it was. So, now I know where it is. I just have to find a way to get back up there and pick it up.
OnePugtoRuleThemAll: Just say your wife dropped a piece of jewelry or something.
Side note: Any benefits to getting a penis pierced? Or is it just to piss your wife off whenever she cleans around the toilet?
Bob002: I'm sure I'll figure something out.
Depends on who you ask, honestly. Some women realllllllllllllly like it. Some are indifferent. Some are scared. About the only "real" bonus is showing your junk to people when they find out.
As for that, I sit down to piss. There are a few "tricks" you can do, but twisting my dick up got old after awhile.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1405342177 | 1405363643 | t3_2anuwz | t5_2to41 | 5 | DabyTheHunter: TIFU by drinking too much Pineapple juice
Was really thirsty and drank an entire thing of Pineapple juice. Now I am regretting it since I have been running to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Probably last time I ever drink Pineapple juice.
XDWetness: If you have a gf, have sex ASAP.
PoorCitizen: Why?
wardenofthethread: Pineapple juice makes your happy juice sweet.
scubadivingpoop: Pretty sure it takes a while for your body to convert that juice into seamen
| 5 | 1 | |
1405350497 | 1405369194 | t3_2ao6sa | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my bondage porn folder open on the computer that is hooked to the TV.
We watch everything via computer with 2nd monitor being the TV. I was watching some porn last night, all of my porn is bondage porn with most being from kink.com and its offchutes. I have somewhere around a hundred and twenty gigs. I left the folder it is in open on the desktop. My girlfriend knows about my bondage porn proclivities, that isn't the problem. She four d it all like 2 weeks into the relationship because it isnt buried or hidden and it is properly labeled. She doesn't care, she is awesome like that. Here is the problem. One of her friends from work has been surfing our couch after a break up with her boyfriend and it is a kinda rocky situation. My girlfriend isn't really into bdsm at all but they were talking and smoking last night and her friend casually mentions that she is into bondage. I don't know if they k ew I could hear them, I was in the kitchen. Really i didn't think anything of it at the time because it didn't really surprise me coming from her friend. I AM WORRIED that they both think I heard her and intentionally left that folder open "on accident, loops" I am afraid they will both think this is some sort of thinly veiled half ass attempt to "test the waters" with the friend or start a threesome or somehow give a wink and a nudge to her or something. I'm not interested on the friend romantically, though she is cool and all and I'm really not interested in trying to hook up a threesome either. It really was just a post orgasm male retardism honest mistake.
Edit, this happened last night. I was alone in the house and showered and went to bed right after. She got home very late and probably went right to bed, probably didn't notice yet. I didn't realize until this morning after I left for work.
Fabio421: I don't believe you and neither will those two girls. You might as well let your freak flag fly and see where it leads.
[deleted]: Lol. My freak flag is by no means hidden. Every guy has done this. My dad had a porn stash, I never found it, but I frequently found porn accidentally left in the VCR. The thing I am most worried about is how dumb they will think I am since (if this were some kind of wink nudge "water testing" ) it would be so obvious and dumb and poorly thought out. "DUDE, C- FOR EFFORT"
[deleted]: Nah, you are over thinking it... because deep down inside you are hoping they see it as that and actually go for it. Deep down, that's what you want. However, they will just write it off as a simple act of forgetfulness and no tied-up booty for you.
[deleted]: Lol. Not really. Being somehow romantically involved with a coworker is a delicate enough situation. I can't imagine the obstacle course of booby traps that would be becoming romantically involved with a SO's coworker. Besides, my girlfriend is the cuter one anyway. (Also idk if I brought it up but my SO is not into bondage at all. I have brought it up a few times. Her interest is zero. Thus all the bondage porn)
Talidaar: Heh "booby traps"... I see what you did there... :-)
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1405351596 | 1405357652 | t3_2ao8mj | t5_2to41 | 33 | babycarrotwoes: TIFU by posting to this sub about my baby carrot ordeal, only to have it removed without explanation.
Cylinsier: That sounds like a fuck-up for sure. But mods can't move threads to other subs.
mamajamerson: In my experience, they do usually message with an explanation for why it was removed. That may not be true of all subs.
| 3 | 11 | |
1405352252 | 1405391418 | t3_2ao9qp | t5_2to41 | 217 | Unfvckwitable: TIFU by texting my mom instead of my girlfriend
So my girlfriend got home yesterday from a 10-day family trip to Mexico. Being that she was in Mexico, she's got some stomach issues going on. In order to try to resolve them, she took a laxative last night. Well this morning I woke up having to take a mean shit. As a joke, I sent my girlfriend a text that said "Somehow that laxative transferred to me last night during sex. I woke up and had to take a brutal shit" .... Except instead of texting it to my girlfriend, I sent it to my mom. At first she acted like she hadn't seen it and our text conversation went on normal. Until I wondered why my girlfriend hadn't answered. No outgoing text to her. Panic ensued. Quickly found it in my conversation to my mom. I apologized and said that it obviously wasn't meant to go to her. The most uncomfortable awkwardness is currently spreading throughout my body. I'm not sure I've ever started a day more uncomfortable than this
cali_grown22: On a positive note...you didn't text your girlfriend about the "brutal shit" you took. I know some people are comfortable with talking about poop with their SO, but I feel like you gotta keep the romance alive a little bit.
holy_shitballs: Nope. Bf has Crohn's (for him equals diarrhea) and I'll often get anxiety-induced constipation... we talk about poops all the time. Lot of fond memories hanging out in the bathroom, chit-chatting while he poops. Shit happens and life is short.
Deseluma: *Shit-chatting
[deleted]: *Group-pooping
Cloudwolf12341: *blumpkin
| 6 | 36.166667 | |
1405353018 | 1405416966 | t3_2aob2q | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to take a shower at midnight
Since I'm home for the summer, I'm working a 9-5 job plus a commute. This means I have to wake up before the dew fairies themselves and if I want to not be fired I have to go to bed at a reasonable hour.
Last night I told the 'rents that I was going to sleep around 11pm but my brain decided it'd be great to dick around on the internet for an hour instead of going to bed. So midnight rolls around and I realize I should probably shower and shave before I show up to work the next morning and send everyone running in the opposite direction. Unfortunately I have to walk right by my parents' open door to get to said shower. As I step outside my door I hear sounds I have only recently heard through my shitty headphones in the middle of the night, or whenever else I feel like it.
So I run into the bathroom and try to forget the sound of my parents bumping uglies and realize that if I step into the shower, they'll know that I'm not half asleep and definitely know that I heard them. So I decide fuck it, and I flush the toilet without pissing and run back to my room. I proceeded to turn on several fans to drown out any sound that might be made in a 50 mile radius and try to fall asleep with thoughts of shit I never want to think about running through my head.
Tldr: My parents still love each other, but no one at work will come near me.
Omnifox: >This means I have to wake up before the dew fairies themselves and if I want to not be fired I have to go to bed at a reasonable hour.
What is it, a 4 hour commute? 7AM is not early. 6AM is not early.
GOD DAMN KIDS.
horsewish: I used to have a 3 hour commute via NYC public transit. So yes, in a similar situation, one would need to wake up at 4 or 5 am. It does happen.
Omnifox: I get that.
However, the odds of a teensomething getting a 4 hour commute job for a summer is slim.
horsewish: "Home for the summer" typically infers that OP is a college student, about the same age as myself at that time.
Also, have you ever met a teenager who works 40 hours a week, especially one with a job that is 9-5? It's against the law for most to work more than 20 or so per week, even during breaks from school.
Omnifox: 18 and 19 are fresh back from college freshmen, going on to sophomore year.
OP does not sound all that experienced in the world yet.
horsewish: This is true, but at 18 I was working with a 3 hour commute so it is possible OP is as well. That's all I was saying.
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1405356461 | 1405374770 | t3_2aoh45 | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a dump at my friend's house, but not in the toilette.
[deleted]: Today the vet fucked up by not being able to distinguish a cat shit from a human shit.
Sometimes_Lies: Doctors go off the information they're given.
If someone brings in a picture of a mess and says "my cat did this, what is wrong with it?" then the vet should assume that the cat did it. Not spend time ruling out the possibility that the owner has a "friend" who shit in the litterbox and then blamed it on the cat.
[deleted]: >Doctors go off the information they're given.
No... one goes to the doctor to gain information, not the other way around. A qualified doctor/vet would have gathered some possible causes of that monster shit, and then cross referenced it with other symptoms to give a diagnosis. A doctor going completely of the information he is given without verifying it is a doctor that doesn't give two shits about his patients.
Sometimes_Lies: > No... one goes to the doctor to gain information, not the other way around.
If we're talking about a human doctor, that's not true. They're very often quite reliant on information we give them in order to make a diagnosis. Where does it hurt? When does it hurt? Does it hurt when I do this? When did the problems start? Have you been doing (x) lately?
If you answer those questions with lies, you're very likely to get a bad diagnosis.
As far as cross-referencing before giving a diagnosis, I sincerely doubt that either of us are skilled enough in veterinary medicine to be able to second guess a doctor for not being able to catch something.
The doctor was told that the cat was having bowel problems and went off that information: there's nothing wrong with that. It's not normal, or reasonable, to expect the doctor to waste time second-guessing the symptoms by doing some kind of CSI poop analysis on the origin of the feces.
[deleted]: Jesus fucking christ, I was quoting you. Obviously we are not talking about a human doctor because that is completely irrelevant to OP's post. Whatever, I'm done here.
Sometimes_Lies: It applies to both human and nonhuman doctors. I was simply making a comparison to be more accessible to people reading this, the argument applies to both. That's why I addressed both in the post.
Anyway, you're right, you *are* done here. See you around.
| 7 | 7.857143 | |
1405357578 | 1405361683 | t3_2aoj43 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Frankyfan3: TIFU by locking my wallet & keys in my car just as I'm about to leave for vacation.
I'm sitting in the grocery store parking lot after my last shopping trip before a week long camping adventure.
Loaded up the cooler with ice & stuff, took the cart back & then realized my wallet & keys were locked inside when I closed the door.
At least I have my phone.
Voyager5555: So you decided to post it online instead of calling a locksmith? Interesting tactic.
Frankyfan3: Rescue called. Now I'm waiting. Posting killed a little bit of time.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405371493 | 1405406606 | t3_2aoo5s | t5_2to41 | 12 | Zico195: Try coca cola
6romperstomper9: .....or you could just piss on it.
asphaltdragon: If OP is able to piss on his beard, we need pics. Not any man will piss on his own face.
6romperstomper9: Todd Carney - bubbling. 2 weeks ago.
Edit- added link
http://imgur.com/1f6Qz2b
virtuallynonexistent: what the fuck
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1405362843 | 1405376560 | t3_2aosvu | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by going in to work wasted
So I work the graveyard shift at a local convenient store alone. Saturday, after working two weeks straight with only one night off i decided to have a few beers at 6:00 am. Around 10:00 am I'm still drinking and a friend comes over.
Well we pretty much drank the whole day, watched the world cup, which I can't even remember. He eventually left and mosts of it's a blur but I do remember getting called in because the other night guy was a no call no show.
All I can remember really is I continued drinking mikes hard lemonades. I was giving everyone high fives. Some lady called me a stupid drunk. Waking up in my car and getting a ride from a guy who works at another store.
I think I lost my job and I feel like dying right now. I always had a problem but now I guess I really need to get my fucking shit together.
mossychops: So......You weren't even supposed to be there today?
Obannion1: Roller hockey on the roof!
TheBomar: If I let you take a gatorade, everyone will want one.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1405307009 | 1405375538 | t3_2amvli | t5_2to41 | 13 | SCP-247: TIFU when I forgot to change a contact's name
So i have this girl i like and she has a common name that can be used for girls or guys. She is in my phones as [common name] #swag she put that in a while ago and the guys name is [common name] [last-name] this works fine except on an Iphone when I got the message regarding wanting to carpool. When the name comes up on screen it says [common name] #swag but i was tired and did not notice. My other friend the guy had been texting me and for the life of me i could not get this girl to give me a second thought. well turns out it was her texting me but when i checked the name in the message window it cut out the #swag so i just figured it was him. He is a little annoying so i basically said nah I talk with friends on the bus and like my schedule. Come to find out tonight that it was the girl i have been trying to text all summer and now i feel like an asshole and she wont message me back. :(
TL;DR
Forgot to change a common name to distinguish between girl I like and annoying guy; ended up dissing girl I like.
CautiousTuna: Just explain to her that you thought it was a different person who was making the offer.
SCP-247: Thx I did that after posting this and she said it was ok and we are planing on car pooling this year :)
CautiousTuna: Good to hear that. Hope everything works out well :)
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1405359379 | 1405367583 | t3_2aomcn | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by finishing playing "Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons" with my little brother
Instead of looking up the whole story or the recommended age, I just relied on the positive reviews and thought that it would be a nice game for me and my little brother, especially because it was easy to play together on a keyboard. We didn’t play it all at once, mostly just for 30 minutes at a time. Today we began at the giant’s castle… Although we enjoyed the game for the most part, I should have stopped much sooner. It was a mixture of being shocked, while hoping desperately for a happy ending to make up for all the sadness and not taking the red flags in the early parts of the game seriously enough. In my opinion, it is an extremely good game, but just the worst possible game I could have chosen for us. At least it seems to me that he believes my explanation that it all was just the father’s nightmare…
kevin_k: What sort of inappropriate stuff ? How old is your brother?
ammicha: Inappropriate stuff is spoilers. The game starts semi-lighthearted and gets increasingly more dark as it goes.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405366094 | 1405370633 | t3_2aoz34 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by jerking off into a sock filled with rats
desolatexelevation: So you came on rat? Rat porn? you really are dirty OP
Jacksonhhs: The name is Charlie not op
desolatexelevation: Alright, "charlie"
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1405348876 | 1405371004 | t3_2ao459 | t5_2to41 | 9 | hal8119: TIFU by kicking the wall while asleep
So this was around 2:30am today. I was having a weird dream about a dog licking my foot and for some reason my brain decided kicking the shit out of the dog would be the best action. Well there was no dog and I kicked the shit out of the wall next to my bed leaving me with a swollen big toe and waking my roommates baby causing her to cry in the middle of the night. I went back to sleep before I found out if the baby's crying woke up the roommates. Not the worst FU but it's funny.
tl;dr Weird Dream, Kicked Wall, Swollen Toe, Crying baby
johnnywacko: Kicking rhymes with licking. Maybe that's why.
XepenteX: Seems legit
| 3 | 3 | |
1405366185 | 1405404466 | t3_2aoz9a | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a blowjob. NSFW
This past weekend, my boyfriend & I traveled to the casino for a weekend of beach & booze. We spent the day laying on the beach & didn't realize how strong the sun was until it was too late; we were matching lobsters. We got back to his house yesterday where we showered & put our pajamas on. I noticed he had an erection & I'm not the kind of girl to pass up on the opportunity to give him a blowjob so I went for it. I didn't realize just how sunburned my face was & the pain was fairly substantial. We then had the most painful, sunburned sex ever. & I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
Teotwawki69: It would have sucked more for him if it had been a nude beach.
a1blank: didn't you know that saliva and cum are both have natural sunburn relief properties?
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1405367304 | 1405568115 | t3_2ap1eq | t5_2to41 | 202 | bag-pipes: TIFU by horribly offending a group of women
I work as a Lifeguard at a very prestigious country club, and today during my shift there were very few people at the pool. There were a group of about 8 moms huddled around some chairs speaking softly, and two children (a girl and a boy, both very young) in the pool. All of the sudden the boy starts hitting the little girl's life jacket with a small plastic shovel. They were both giggling about it, and then the moms all turned and saw it and thought it was so cute that they were playing together. So I turned to the moms and said "wow when does it stop being cute to hit girls" hoping for some cheap laughs, and boy did I miscalculate that one….. Not one of them said anything, they just blanked stared me for several minutes and finally I just started laughing and apologized, still no response. It wasn't until later that my boss pulled me aside and told me that the reason the women were there was to console one of them because she had just come out to them that she was in an abusive relationship, and her husband hit her. And I was making jokes about it…
Before anyone jumps on me, yes I understand what I said was wrong, and very ill-timed
TL;DR: Made a joke about hitting girls to a girl in an abusive relationship
[deleted]: I would just avoid jokes like that entirely, no matter the audience. Guys thinking jokes like that are funny is part of problem. Widespread acceptance of abuse against women hurts both men AND women.
uriel691: You know what's ACTUALLY part of the problem, your easily hurt, hypocritical feelings aside? Teaching little boys who don't know any damn better that it's okay to smack other kids, girls or boys, and think it's funny. Obviously the one lady was in an abusive relationship. You'd think at least she'd have the brains enough to look at the pool situation and say hey, little Johnny, it's not okay to hit. Knock it off.
Jokes are jokes and actions are actions. Learn the difference.
[deleted]: you = gross.
uriel691: Huh?
[deleted]: Ugh. You suck.
uriel691: Ahh, I see. You're a troll. Cool.
[deleted]: psh, YOU are. (http://gph.is/1aH1ph2)
| 8 | 25.25 | |
1405367011 | 1405438561 | t3_2ap0vg | t5_2to41 | 137 | Bigminotaur: TIFU by getting caught by a parent... AGAIN.
Well, Reddit, it appears I am an idiot. I've posted another TIFU maybe a month or two ago. T'was about getting caught by my girlfriend's mom while we were doing the do. Anyways, today I got another one for ya. After a while we decided to have sex again for the first time in over a month, at MY place this time. We usually go in the backhouse to watch Netflix on my XBOX, so we went to the backhouse to do it on the love seat. Well, my stupid ass closed the door but didn't lock it. So we were nearly done, when lo and behold busts in my father. He waved his hands exaggeratedly and did a "Wowowowowo" sound, and walked backwards out of the room. I could see his reflection off the glass of the door, and he was looking away from the backhouse for about two minutes before walking inside the normal house for about five minutes. Meanwhile I'm consoling my girlfriend who keeps saying she feels slutty, and I feel bad because it was my idea to go at it again. So, Reddit, TIFU. Again.
EDIT: I'm an idiot and dont know how to link shit, im sure its copy n paste but just in case, go ahead and scroll through my submitted posts for my first TIFU. I've got less than 10 posts total, and don't mind the porn ones, those are posted just so I can watch em later cuz my parents blocked certain websites off my phone, yadda yadda its basically a loophole.
mq999: > He waved his hands exaggeratedly and did a "Wowowowowo" sound, and walked backwards out of the room.
I can just imagine a man doing the Zoidberg noises and movements with his arms whilst slowing backing away.
Bigminotaur: Haha holy shit, now that you mention it, pretty close to the zoidberg.
Bugisman3: Was he backing away sideways?
trampabroad: How about saving some sloppy seconds for Zoidberg?
Username__Irrelevant: Why not zoidberg?
| 6 | 22.833333 | |
1405369517 | 1405510168 | t3_2ap5hg | t5_2to41 | 47 | GoldPickleFist: TIFU by forgetting that I was in Disney World
This didn't actually happen today, etc.
It was a lovely March afternoon in Orlando, FL. The sun was out, nary a cloud to be seen, and the heat was much more bearable than usual. I was in the middle of enjoying my high school's senior trip to Disney World, and everything was good. I got to forget about school for almost an entire week, I had my new girlfriend awaiting me when I got home, and I was surrounded by my friends. And Tucker. I didn't really know Tucker before the trip, but we had some mutual friends so we ended up in the same group while we roamed the happiest place on Earth. I liked him well enough, but he was kind of a jerk at times. One of these times happened to be while we were boarding the monorail from the Magic Kingdom. He decided just as we got on to give me the world's most painful titty twister (I lifted my shirt in front of a bathroom mirror later to discover that he seriously bruised one of my nipples and tore the skin of the other one). Now, I am generally a mild-mannered person, and am by no means prone to outbursts, but the degree of pain and the fact that it was among the last things that I was expecting at that given moment caused me to forget where I was just long enough for me to shout "OW TUCKER YOU CUNT"
Dead Silence.
Before my mouth had even closed, I realized what had just escaped my lips. I looked around to see my friends staring at me wide-eyed, and I was getting (rightly deserved) death stares from at least three mothers with their children. I can't remember ever being more embarrassed or ashamed of myself than at that particular moment. It was a very quiet monorail ride from that point on.
johnnywacko: A stranger should have helped you out: 'Yea tucker you fucking cunt!'
Bros gotta help bros.
GoldPickleFist: I think the only thing better than that would be if one of the little kids backed me up.
johnnywacko: Or Mickey mouse.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1405371714 | 1405372176 | t3_2ap9m2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By stealing food from my mother in law.
I was at my mother-in-law house waiting for my husband when I spotted some cookies on top of the fridge. I grabbed one and it was stuck to another. As I was pulling them out the one I wasnt touching drops to the floor. Yay a reason to eat both! Grab the second one and a small cup of milk. Then another small glass of milk and I see some delicious looking cold pea and tomato pasta and I take a couple bites of that. I'm fine until 1pm then I take a nap with my husband before he goes to work and wake up at 3. I'm still fine but have a heavy urge to go pee couldn't wait for him to leave to go to the bathroom. As I am peeing my back is starting to hurt really bad. Then I start pooping. No big deal except it has the seriousness of having eating a taco12. I think I finish so I get up with my back still hurting and now my stomach is in knots. I stand straight up and it helps a little. I walk two steps out the door need to poo again go back farting a lot now but no poops. Starting to feel worse I'm starting to sweat now. I get up mid wipe and lay on the cold wood floor in agony with toilet paper in my hand. Hurts so bad I feel like I'm going to throw up now. I decide I ain't no baby and to get off the damn floor. I get on the pot and I'm sweating now also farting. Stomach is turning my mouth watering literally mouth dripping with drool. I keep thinking I'm going to throw up. The moment of acceptance I feel my body start to throw up and I did. So much. In between breaths I'm popping and farting. So glad it only lasted 5 mins. And most of the puke landed in the bucket. I'm fine now! NotHing hurts anymore. Yaay.
Browsing through posts I found out I should have posted this on a sat. Sorry TIFU.
Spartacus133: I think your mother in law plotted a plan to murder you. I'd keep on my toes if I were you
Ayanatsumae: That's what I thought x.x
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405372280 | 1405388999 | t3_2apao9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | RetardedNarhwal: TIFU by snorting wasabi.
A few days ago i arrived into my hotel in Tokyo, Japan. I came here with a couple friends and every night i would bring a new bottle of this weird Japanese alcohol and pass it around. On my 2nd day drunk me thought it would be a GREAT idea too snort some wasabi, (that green stuff you see in restaurants) Bad Idea. It had a stinging feeling and the stench was unbearable, i ended up vomiting all over my friend and the white carpet.
FML.
EDIT: Grammar mistakes
MrCuriousCat: I recommend you apologize to the owner. Also don't get weird ass pussy alchohol when you can get Suntori Whiskey. Japan has mastered the art better than American and Armenian whiskey combined
breasticon: *tips jingasa*
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405372511 | 1405375449 | t3_2apb3i | t5_2to41 | 31 | Daddy_Long_Legs_: TIFU by taking my girlfriend for a romantic walk.
So, like any guy in a happy relationship, I try to do cute things every once in a while that make my girlfriend feel nice. A romantic walk seemed like just the thing to accomplish that. Everything was going great at first. We walked down a quaint path in the field behind my house, enjoyed the nice weather, and eventually entered the woods.
After chilling in a little grove, we decided to take the road less travelled and find a new path out of the woods, neglecting the convenient path we used to enter. Seems fine, right? Wrong.
Next thing I know, my girlfriend yells, "BEES!". And before I can say anything back we're booking it through the woods and more than twenty of the little buggers swarmed us. And boy did they do their job. After running for our lives, and barefoot no less, (I know, I know...) we finally managed to escape to the edge of the forest and catch our breath. The pain was pretty damn intense, and we both had at least ten huge welts on our bodies. Luckily, neither of us is allergic.
And that, my friends, was how I fucked up by trying to be cute with my girlfriend.
EDIT: Didn't grammar good.
PM_IF_YOURE_LONELY: On the plus side, it probably did bring you two closer!
octavesemitone: to death
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1405372122 | 1405389972 | t3_2apaek | t5_2to41 | 344 | MrCuriousCat: Tifu by swinging my balls in New York
I recently applied for a high position for a meat packing company and I live in ohio. They called me to fly out to new York for the interview and they said that they had paid for the hotel for me to spend a night in. The next day, I did the interview and went back to the hotel. A few hours later, they had called and said I got the job, there wasn't much competition. At the time I had received the wonderful new s ,I had just gotten out of the shower. When I received the good news, I got so excited I started to dance into the living room , shaking my balls to a night club beat with excitement. Buuuuut, the living room had a huge ass window in it. And there was a building relatively close to it. And when I turned around to thrust my hips back and forth, I saw a mortified black woman with two children, who were both pointing at my pearly balls. I quickly stopped thrusting, but I was like a deer in the headlights, I just froze with my dick and balls hanging and flowing as the a/c turned on.
UnholyPrepuce: I assume you ran over and made sure she knew about shrinkage from the a/c?
MrCuriousCat: XD
TheBomar: Don't leave us hanging OP, you did justify all white men that it was the a/c for the shrinkage?
MrCuriousCat: When the a/c turned on, it felt nice for a moment, then my hotdog just shriveled like a turtle from a big brautwurst to a vienna canned sausage. I kid you not, when my dick went back to the turtle shell, the woman cringed and the children started to look down their pants, and one of them was a girl.
Blainyrd: Oh shit...
SIave: http://img.pandawhale.com/post-23071-I-was-in-the-pool-gif-George-C-RtxV.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/MajesticHospitableBlueandgoldmackaw](http://gfycat.com/MajesticHospitableBlueandgoldmackaw)
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^(GIF size: 954.12 kiB) ^| ^(GFY size:206.07 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
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1405369153 | 1405378510 | t3_2ap4tp | t5_2to41 | 583 | [deleted]: TIFU by Getting into my First Fist-Fight with a Clown, and now my Nickname is "Clown Slayer"
This happened last Saturday but since the ordeal is dragging on for some silly reason, I figured I'd post what happened. Also, for privacy purposes I've left out key details like location & names just in case charges are filed, which the clown is asking for.
I'm currently in a new area working a great job over the summer, but I don't know anybody local, so on the weekends I have been frequenting a nice little brewpub with my coworkers to get out out of the apartment. I've been there frequently enough that I am now on a first-name basis with the owner and friends with some of his employees. It's a relaxing place that has eased the loneliness of my temporary relocation (and they make really mean grilled cheese sandwiches there, too).
Last Thursday, the owner called me and asked me if I would like to volunteer at a festival they were having at the brewpub to celebrate their anniversary the following Saturday. They were occupying an empty lot close-by and were providing live music, limited-release craft beers and entertainment for the event in the form of circus performers. He couldn't pay me, but I was offered a decent amount of merchandise and a discount on food & drink for the remainder of my stay this summer, so I happily accepted. I lent a hand with some equipment that Friday and showed up on Saturday just to get a few more things set up, so after a few hours of work I had free reign over the rest of my afternoon.
I settled into a chair underneath a tent outside and started enjoying some beer with my coworkers and the owner (which we'll call Jim for the sake of the story), who was sitting at the table across from us. Time quickly passed and the heat kept rising; one beer turned into three and soon enough I yearned for some solid food. A cheap taco stand had set-up across the street to cater to festival-goers, so I rose from my seat and began to make my way there, hoping to acquire more reasonable sustenance and quell my stomach, which really didn't agree with the pale ale that I had just finished.
Now, for most of the afternoon, the first hired "entertainer" (I use that term loosely) and "clown" that this altercation started with had been making the rounds outside performing his "act". For the last few hours, this was just spinning a hoop in the air to give it the illusion that it was 'floating', and tossing it over peoples' reads like ring-toss. The best way that I can describe this fellow was that he looked like a juggalo without the face paint: black pants & button-up shirt, black eye-liner, a large black nose, and a bald head paired with a gray beard that stretched down about three inches from his chin. It was quite honestly the worst performance I have ever seen, but that is besides the point. Our group didn't pay much attention to him during out afternoon, choosing to enjoy the live music and each other over the embarrassing human ring-toss taking place.
Picking up where I left off, I had just gotten up from my seat with tacos on my mind. As I'm walking to the entrance, all of a sudden I hear somebody behind me yell, "whoa man you need to watch it". I turn around to see what the commotion was about & find our juggalo friend glaring at me with a stressed look on his face.
>Me: "I'm sorry?"
>Clown: "Dude you messed me up I'm working"
>Me: "How? What did I do?"
>Clown: "Are you serious I'm workin' right now you got too close to me and fuckin' threw me off"
I think to myself, *Are you really getting into an argument with a clown?*
>Me: "No you're not, you're just spinning a fucking hoop. Relax, I'm sorry"
>Clown: "*Fuck* you man"
>Me: "Well fuck you, too"
Right now I am a little bit shaken up; I do not like confrontation and prior to this event I had never been in a physical altercation before. Hoping we would just end it at "Fuck you" like normal people, I turn around again and resume my thoughts about tacos in an effort to get my mind off of what just happened.
Our Juggalo friend wasn't going to let me off that easy, though. Before I know it, I get a hard shove from behind, causing me to stumble forward several steps and nearly eat the dirt. After catching myself I rotate around to see the clown approaching me, his body being propelled by the ghastly visages of Joseph Bruce & Utsler behind him, seemingly pissed off & out for blood. *"Oh shit"*, I mutter under my breath.
His right arm comes out swinging (which I unsuccessfully try to dodge) and connects with my left shoulder. I land a punch on his right side, which doesn't do much, so I attempt to kick his knee. My foot hits *hard*, but on the way down he grips my arm with the strength of a vise, pulling me down with him.
It seems like an eternity passed before we hit the ground in unison, locked together with an embrace so tight that if you saw it, you'd figure we were in love, caught up in the heat of the moment & losing ourselves to the thought of some hot, sweaty man-sex. While locked in his arms, all I could think about was, *This is the first fist-fight you have ever gotten into and it's with a fucking clown*.
Both of us hit the ground on our shoulders and start vying for control, grappling one another with punches & knees flying everywhere. He hits me in the same shoulder again, but I'm able to get my knee to land in his stomach, knocking his silly fucking black bolo hat off the top of his head. The hat lands on my face; suddenly, my world goes black, my ears filled with the raucous cheer of onlookers and my nostrils filled with the putrid stench of whatever bacterium set up shop in his hat.
Not a second later, I felt the hands of other people pulling us apart and me on my feet. The hat falls off and I take a breath of fresh air; behind me are my coworkers keeping my balance, one of them holding me up by the left shoulder, exclaiming, "Hahahaha holy *shit* man! Did you just fight that clown?!" About 10 feet across from me I can see the clown being kept back by another group of people; about 20 further back, I can see the Police Officer hired to monitor the entrance of the lot sprinting towards us, bellowing, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!"
*"Oh shit"*, I mutter to myself a second time.
We were both quickly separated and guided to chairs at tables about 50 feet across from each other. For a second it felt like the bell had just rung in the arena and we were being wiped down by our team managers, had it not been for the police officer asking for my statement & Jim supplying her with an eyewitness account of the event.
>"Who started what?"
I point to the clown
>"I'll be back for you in a few minutes"
She goes over to the clown to get what I am assuming was his recollection of the events while Jim replaces her spot and asks me what we had said to each other. I explain to Jim the words that were exchanged leading up to the showdown, all the while profusely apologizing to him. "I'm so sorry, Jim" I repeat several times over; I mean, how could I not? Jim let me volunteer at his event, offered me discounts on *his* drink and food, and essentially introduced me to a great group of *his* friends, giving me a way to get out of my apartment for the last several weeks. I just caused a commotion at *his* event, and I was seriously worried that I had ruined it for a lot of people there.
"It's okay", he tells me. "We hired the guy and I saw him run after you to push you down. However, this did cause a bit of a scene but I don't think you deserve to be kicked out. Why don't you go across the street and tell the bartender that you were just assaulted, that I'll be over there as soon as I can, and to pour two pints of beer for us so we can talk about this, huh?" I nod sheepishly and stand up with my coworkers in tow who had volunteered to guide me across. The bar patrons sitting in the patio area on the other side of the street were giving us a round of applause as we made our way over; whether they were cheering or making japes I could not tell, but either way, I was not in the mood to smile.
Jim and the police officer eventually join us on the patio and start asking me more questions. The officer wonders whether or not I need to go to the hospital & if I would like to press charges. The only part of my body that hurt was my left shoulder, but I did not feel like I needed medical attention nor that I needed to file charges, as Jim had informed me that the clown was being escorted off the property.
In order to make light of the situation, I replied to the officer with as good of a shit-eating grin as I could muster, "I'm fine and no, I would not like to. However, I would like a taco." She didn't find that nearly as funny as I did.
I spent Sunday relaxing with an ice pack on my shoulder. There was no way I was going to let this keep me from missing work today, but now I wish I had stayed home. Prior to having the chance to share this story with you all, I had not been at work for even an hour before everybody in the office was asking me what had happened. I have told this story over so many times that I have now been given the nickname "Clown Slayer" by my coworkers. The secretary swears that she is going to buy me a plastic sword and paint the blade white with coloured polka-dots, the "blood of the enemy" as she puts it. Thankfully my boss isn't furious, but I can tell he is getting annoyed with the amount of talking I've been doing. I really need to get back to work.
**TL;DR: volunteered at a festival, got into my first ever fist-fight with a clown, word spread in the office this morning & now my coworkers call me "Clown Slayer", boss is not amused**
adcas: Clown slayer, indeed!
On the plus side, everything you did was in self defense and in full view of witnesses. That clown is an asshole, and the fact that he had to be escorted off the property *probably* means you're in the clear.
Seriously, fuck clowns.
Bradley_Jay: I sincerely hope so. For what it's worth, one could argue that I was escorted off of the property as well.. I **did** just participate in something that disrupted the event and I feel terrible for it. The owner asking me to go across the street and join him for a beer was more than fair in my mind. I have been able to convince myself that it was self-defense, but either way it was still very embarrassing.
After the events transpired, he called me to let me know that the clown had a change of heart and decided that he *did* want to press charges. There were a handful of witnesses including the owner, so I am not very worried about whether or not he has a case. I am just frustrated that he is trying to make a case out of it in the first place. The possibility of having to find a lawyer to represent me & go through all the legal hassle is very stressful.
adcas: TBF people try to make cases out of everything. Operative word being try. Worst case scenario, it makes it to court and the judge just gets pissed at the Juggalo for wasting his time. You willingly left the scene when asked- the fact that he was escorted tells me that he didn't calm down much when you left.
My cousin had charges filed on him for defending himself in a fight- this one dude pulled him out of his truck (that had his children in it, mind you), beat him with a tire iron... and my cousin ended up stabbing him with a putty knife. The judge sort of went "are you *shitting me*" and Tire Iron Man is serving time for battery. All because he tried to make a case out of a situation **he** started.
Some people are really dumb.
Bradley_Jay: That sounds absolutely infuriating!
Ugh, stupid people...I do agree, though. Justification for his turnaround is that he now claims that his knee hurts and he had to have it checked out by a doctor. As if! He also did not request any medical assistance at the scene (I'm a fit male but I don't believe I have the stature to seriously injure anyone), so having him change is mind is not only frustrating but more of a facepalm to me.
Like...geez, c'mon mate. Do you really want to make an issue out of this now?
adcas: That's like those dumbasses that get in a car accident and their neck hurts a week later. They keep at it they're gonna get laughed out of court, and that's seriously if this whole thing even makes it that far.
Bradley_Jay: Here's hoping it doesn't! Dealing with legal issues if any sort sound very unappealable right now.
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