start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1405374452 | 1405384565 | t3_2apenp | t5_2to41 | 97 | someAnarchist: TIFU by opening my computer during a meeting
This morning I had a meeting with a client to discuss some of the final aspects of a software platform I am developing for them. Part way through the meeting I opened my computer to send them some files. I had the doctor who is in charge of a research department on my left and a med student on my right. I compressed the folder that the data was in and clicked on the chrome icon so I could attach it to an email and send it.
Last night while I was reading some comments in a reddit post I found a video of Sasha Grey drinking her own urine. Underneath that video there are links to a number of videos of women being urinated on. Being slightly drunk and a little curious I click around and watch some horrifying videos of women being drenched in urine. Eventually I got bored, paused the movie, opened a new tab and resumed my interneting. After interneting I closed the tab and didn't pay attention to the fact that I still had porn open in my browser.
So today when I go to chrome to upload the file the first thing the Dr and med student see is a somewhat unattractive German woman being doused in urine by 3 or 4 guys. I didn't know what to do or say, everyone was silent and I think we pretended like it didn't happen, hopefully. It wouldn't be so bad if I had some normal porn pop up, but this was grotesque. I can't even jerk off to this stuff. It was horrible...
TL;DR: Curiousity led me to German Goo Girls videos, left them open, a doctor and med student got a nice screen shot of unattractive girl getting pissed on.
EDIT: For those who are curious like me, and for science, here is a [link](http://www.xvideos.com/video1713314/piss_drinking_babe_gets_anal_after_goldenshower_in_groupsex) to the specific video that I had open.
[deleted]: i'm confused why a random doctor and med student were present while you were meeting with a client? Either way, nothing *they* haven't seen before right? Also plz post pee vid links 4 science.
someAnarchist: The doctor is the one that wanted the system, I am writing the software for a local hospital. The med student is going to be using the software.
Pee vids must wait until I get home. Or just go to Xhamster (I think) and search for "Sasha Grey urine" There can't be too many of those vids
NRageTheBeast: >search for "Sasha Grey urine" There can't be too many of those vids
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! HA!
| 4 | 24.25 | |
1405373245 | 1405378273 | t3_2apchr | t5_2to41 | 24 | Taintless_J: TIFU because my girlfriend has nightmares
My girlfriend has been living a few hours away this summer to make some extra cash by working with her family. Every few weeks she comes into town and stay a weekend or longer. To spend as much time as we can together we usually get up around 7am and sleep a few more hours for extra cuddles and what not.
My girlfriend is plagued with nightmares. Everynight she has atleast one that will wake her up in a panic and I usually calm her back down and continue sleeping. This morning was different.
We had just got back from a friend's house around 3-4am the night before so I decided to stay up until I had to pick her up. We pass out on my bed and I'm woken up around an hour later to her crying her eyes out. For some reason I feel like I'm still dreaming or something and my reaction was "Why are you crying? You've been crying the whole night! Please go to sleep." I've never responded like that and it was one of her worst nightmares she's had in months.
I had fallen back asleep and woke up around 12 with her not in the bed. She had gotten up soon after I went to sleep and stayed watching netflix or something. She hardly gets sleep some nights and this was one of them. I fucked up.
TL;DR- Instead of calming my girlfriend from her nightmares, in my dazed dream-like state I called her a crybaby and to go to sleep.
blinddivine: just tell her what happened and that youre sorry. if she is seriously mad at you still it's time to dtmf.
Taintless_J: The nightmares leave her in depressive moods. Something will trigger her thinking about one and she'll relive the nightmare. It's almost impossible to get through when in those moods. We both suffer from occasional bouts of depression so we understand. Just frustrating when any of us trigger one involuntarily.
blinddivine: sounds like ptsd, i understand the triggers and whatnot. i get triggered just by rolling around town on the bus. i relive moments of my life constantly that i don't even want to remember and just want to move on from. in that case, keep being understanding and keep the lines of communication open. sorry if i seemed insensitive, i forget people have real problems. you must have been just as upset if you upset her i imagine, so feel better both of you!
Taintless_J: Thank you. I wish you the best. Just seeing how she gets sometimes guts me and I wouldn't want that on anyone. Even I get that way sometimes and it sucks. We nicknamed it "chasing the rabbit" after watching Pacific Rift. She meditates, which seems to help her a lot, and has started teaching me as well. Hopefully you find something that works for you.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1405376682 | 1405384496 | t3_2apil6 | t5_2to41 | 25 | LightningKillua: TIFU by telling a co-worker of mine I liked her.
We've been talking for a while, not romantically but just as friends. She's a strong 9/10 and I'm a more 4/10. I got really drunk and texted her. Now she doesn't even want to talk to me, let alone acknowledge me. Worst part, we work RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
Well, I fucked up BIG TIME. Everyone around the office knows and I don't know how to handle it.
I tried to talk to her about it but she completely ignores my requests.
What should I do guys?
Edit: My texts went like this:
It was my Birthday a few weeks back and she skipped out to hang out with her friends. I texted her wanting to know where she was at(Mistake number 1). She'd let me know her friends wanted to go to Gay Pride and she couldn't find time for me. I waited a few hours, took a few shots and texted her again on my way home(Mistake number 2). I fully told her I liked her and she replied, "cuz im not a nice person and I dont think you know me enough to express what you want to express". I responded(Mistake number 3): 'You are a nice person. I know you enough to know you have a lot to offer.' She responded with, "Good night" and I offered to talk to her about it but she said there isn't anything to talk about.
PencilorPen: If you feel you must tell her something then just say something like. "I just want you to know that I am sorry for what I did, it was not meant to be harmful in any way". I hope you can over look it.
Then move on....learn from it and move on.
The rest of the office needs to mind their own business.
LightningKillua: Yeah, if only it was that simple. She's a die hard feminist. I should've fucking known better. I will try it your way and update OP later today with what she said.
skrun: Feminists fall in love too.
UnlikelyUsername2: With other women though.
| 5 | 5 | |
1405377358 | 1405402123 | t3_2apjs2 | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunkenly telling my girlfriend that I love her for the first time
So, my girlfriend had never been in a real relationship until we met. We have been together for about six months now, and I realized a while ago that I care very deeply about her, but didn't want to make her uncomfortable by taking things to that next level because she is very shy about her feelings. We get along really well, we have never really gotten into an argument, and we have a very honest and open relationship to each other. Things are bordering on perfect between us as a couple. Anyways, last night we were both really drunk and laying in my bed and she is kind of a sad person. She told me she was sad, and I asked her if there was any reason. She said, "no, not really" and I stupidly said something along the lines of, "would you feel any better if I told you that I love you and that I would do anything that I possibly can to make you feel better?"
Her response was a look of sheer terror, and the words, "oh yeah?"
followed by a long and quiet night of awkward silence and tension and she has yet to say anything to me.
I'm an idiot.
ForeverLesbos: Probably it's just me, but i only start a relationship with someone when i love them already. Being in a relationship and trying to get to love someone in my opinion is a sad thing to do.
FrugalGopher: Do you only date friends? Because you can't love someone you don't already know. IMO, love at first sight is just misnamed passion. You need intimacy and commitment for love to exist, and both of these don't jump in your face like passion. Sources: triangular theory of love and my teenage self thinking passion was love.
ForeverLesbos: Do i only date friends? Yes, yes i do. I get to know the unknown person, become friends and if we both feel like it could be more after getting to know eachother, then it can happen.
It just saddens me how alien this is to many people, with their relationships without love.
Edit: mobile typos
FrugalGopher: Your way is driven by intimacy, and takes more time. The other way is driven by passion, and is riskier. Both can work, but yours is probably more reliable, and you don't expect love to just happen out of thin air. GJ ;)
strangestshit: Some people have only ever felt passion for people they were already close friends with, so to them the idea of starting a relationship with someone they don't already love seems cold and clinical. I basically only fall for friends so to me the other way seems like an almost definite dead end, but I've experienced the instant passion thing maybe once or twice in my life so I do understand that it can work.
| 6 | 11.333333 | |
1405376104 | 1405546250 | t3_2aphjl | t5_2to41 | 7 | Key103: TIFU by buying an IKEA 'malm ottoman' storage bed.
TIFU. Well... I actually bought it on Friday but didn't unpack the hellish item until today. I wish I'd have started with it so I could've immediately returned to ikea brandishing the two useless rods that they refer to as 'lift-o-mat' hydraulics.
So yeah, I'll set the scene. You've got some really good mates who have given up their evening to come and help you build this massive storage bed (http://m.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/art/50249871/). They head round, you build the rectangular shaped base, ready to place the hydraulics for the lifting mechanism. You and your friends discuss how forward thinking this is... You begin to discuss what you might possibly store underneath this magical contraption.. Maybe you could actually hide under here in an emergency?!
So yes anyway back to the point... You begin to apply two hydraulic rods with the "stabilus" logo and a load of 'made in Germany' spiel about how good it is.. It tells you not to burn, open or eat the hydraulic rod. Despite these warnings, you can't prepare for what happens next... You attempt to compress the stabilus rod... It doesn't want to compress. You gaze at each of your friends quizzically. You begin to laugh, thinking it's a strength problem... Before long you realise that these rods are in fact useless. You try every manoeuvre you can think of before reading reviews about how shoddy these rods can be... You gather together with your friends and weep, hoping you still have the receipt for your half finished sh*t excuse for a bed. You do however find comfort in one review where you discover a person has fully installed their mattress, bedding and all before realising the hydraulics don't work...
TLDR; wasn't stupid enough to finish bed before realising hydraulics were sh*t. But was stupid enough to buy unnecessary storage bed in first place with fancy hydraulics.
Makoaddict: That place does some amazing cake.
I got a bed a lot like this (but it looks a bit more leathery and is black)
I put it together all by myself because my girlfriend was getting in the way, and jesus christ was that thing complicated
Fuck you IKEA - And fuck your hydraulics BS.
Key103: I don't know how you managed to lift the frame on. With two of us we nearly kneecapped ourselves.
Makoaddict: It wasn't the easiest thing to do
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405378176 | 1405449076 | t3_2apl7y | t5_2to41 | 12 | JimboJonesTheThird: TIFU by masturbating at my girlfriend's best friends house.
My girlfriend's best friend moved about five hours north to take a job, so on Friday we drove up for the weekend.
Last night after being out all day, we came home, played some games, drank a lot, then we went to bed. We were staying in the guest room. We had gone to the beach earlier in the day and seeing my girlfriend in her bathing suit as well as all the other candy on the beach made me kinda horny.
So anyway that night, my girlfriend passed out. She doesn't have a bed in the room so my girlfriend had a single mattress on the floor she slept on, and I slept on the couch. I decided to masturbate because I was extremely horny. Didn't take long, being drunk and horny.
However, I passed out almost immediately after ejaculating and didn't clean up, so her friend came into the room around 9 this morning and what does she see?
Well, there I am, sitting on the couch, lube leaning against me, my hand grabbing my cock, and a Kleenex half leaning over the tip where I managed to shoot only a tiny bit of cum.
She took a picture naturally, showed my girlfriend. My girlfriend got pissed off, her friend started yelling, her friends fiancé got up and started wondering what the hell. We got home, she says it's not working, we broke up.
Not a big deal I suppose, she's obviously a bitch if something like that is that bad. Not like it was cheating of anything.
TL;DR Masturbated at girlfriends friends house, got caught, we broke up.
[deleted]: *Not a big deal I suppose*
That's the spirit. I mean, you really shouldn't masturbate in others people's homes without their consent ( unless you are paying rent or they are your parents),but live and learn. You are now free to get some of that sweet beach ass candy you liked so much.
Ah_Q: For future reference, does consent have to be in writing? Notarized?
[deleted]: Since when is it ok to jack off in other people's houses? Just hold it, *its not that hard*
RABIDSAILOR: The problem is I am *holding it* and it is *that hard*.
[deleted]: *touché*
RABIDSAILOR: You, sir, are a fine sport.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1405377289 | 1405449227 | t3_2apjns | t5_2to41 | 45 | ThirdEyedea: TIFU by Trusting a Stranger.
In hindsight, I learned an important lesson. Fuck you John.
I'm currently studying abroad in London. I attended EDC London (and had an amazing time), but got lost at the end of the event and was unable to find a train back. I managed to find two girls in a long line waiting for a taxi back. We were all trying to split the cost (£160, which is about $275) to go back to London and ended up with another guy. He tells us how his phone and wallet were stolen and he really needed to go back home (this should've been a real fucking red flag...I don't know why I didn't tell him to fuck off right then). It ended up with the three of us paying for the taxi.
He promised to pay me back and ended up in my place to make a Skype call to his bank for an international transfer. He asked to use earphones for privacy, which I provided. Right before he leaves, he tells me that it should materialize by Monday (since EDC ended Saturday). Of course this never goes through by the time Monday comes around, and he has me blocked on, or he deleted his Facebook. I am left without any means to contact him.
Just thought I'd share. Fuck you John, again. If you're reading this, don't live like such an asshole.
[deleted]: Never give something for free to a person who has never given you anything, and never give something for free if you are not okay with receiving nothing.
Black_Monkey: What a fucking horrible thing to live by.
PyrrhosD: That mindset is caused by people like John.
an0nymus3: So true. So *fucking* true.
| 5 | 9 | |
1405378304 | 1405421886 | t3_2aplgk | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting
Hi all, first time posting on reddit. This all happened Saturday.
A group of friends and I went to the beach for the day. After playing football and swimming for a while we decided to open up the cooler and have some cold beers. This one buddy, i'll call M, it was his birthday so we rolled him up a nice fat one and shared it (I'll add here that this combo gives me hardcore gas). This lasted a good 20 minutes before park cops decided to kick us out. That was fine because we were all starving anyways and I needed to fart really bad.
I don't know about you guys, but my fav stoner munchie is fried chicken. Apparently it's a popular decision since everyone agreed instantly. Since all the seats inside of this fast food establishment were full we sat outside in the sun. I was the last one to order so I was the last one to sit down. I walked up to the table where they had chosen to sit. It was right next to a table of a nice looking family with a small baby. Now let me state that I am not a small man, 6'2'' 310lbs. Apparently this was not the first thing that came to my friends mind when they left me with the worst looking chair I have ever seen. This thing was bent and twisted in all directions, I'm amazed it was holding it's own weight. Since I was not using my own brain as well, I attempted to sit on this death trap. I slowly lowered myself on, made sure it would hold a small portions of my weight, and surprisingly it did! So at this point in time I'm feeling pretty comfortable and start to eat. After a couple bites my stomach starts to turn. It then dawned that I had forgotten to take a shit as I intended before sitting down to eat. I figured I could let some pressure go and it would hold me until I was finished eating. I lean to one side a bit to minimize the noise from the vibrations on the plastic chair... The fart was silent, but the snap of the chair was a very loud noise. I somehow keep my footing as the chair crumbles to ground under me. So there I am, taking this all in, my friends are laughing their asses off at what had just happened and then when I thought it could not get worst... I hear a baby start to cry and yes, it was the one sitting at the table next to ours. I quickly apologized to the family and then made my way to the car in great shame. When my friends joined me quickly after, they explained that the family had left the table because the baby had pooped herself. That's right ladies and gentlemen, that sweet innocent little baby had just gotten the shit literally scared out of her by a big mean giant.
TL:DR- Farted, blew up a chair and made a baby shit herself.
YukiHyou: Plot twist: The baby didn't actually shit itself, it was just the OP's fart.
[deleted]: Hahaha trust me, that thought did come to mind. But I walked away clean.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405379496 | 1405400488 | t3_2apnju | t5_2to41 | -3 | WaterBottleRoulette: TIFU drinking from my piss bottle
Anyone that has deployed knows the joys of endless supplies of water caches all over the fob. Well when you wake up in the middle of the night and having to walk to take a piss in the middle of the night sucks especially when it's cold as shit out.
Well one night I had woken up thirsty and reached for what I thought was my water bottle and took a swig and swallowed it was at that point I realized this water tasted funny. I had drank my own fucking piss.
It took everything in me not to puke as I fumbled out my room and out the door to go throw up in the toilets. You would think I would of learned my lesson a few months later I did it again except this second time I spit and didn't swallow.
Don't be lazy get up and use the bathroom.
[deleted]: *Don't be lazy get up and use the bathroom.*
Don't be lazy, go to college, and pursue a self-fulfilling lifestyle that does not involve killing other human beings.
WaterBottleRoulette: Well I do not kill other human beings as I was a non combat MOS, but you go on thinking everyone in the military kills people. As well my PSG had two masters one in psychology and teaching, so we do have college educations.
[deleted]:
>thinking everyone in the military kills people
Those that don't directly pull the trigger are still directly responsible of performing duties that enable the forceful control of people through the threat of violence. You are only fooling yourself, the military is not out there handing lollipops to bare-foot Arab children.
You say you have a degree in psychology, then let me ask you this, what does the fact that you said **we** *do have college educations* when I was talking to you specifically as an individual? You need to do a little soul-searching there bud.
slighlty_stoned_jedi: get out of here ya god damn hippie
[deleted]: Whatever, at least I know I don't need to resort to using the pronoun of *we* in order to judge my own character and life choices. You can see that flag of insecurity from the fucking moon lol
| 6 | -0.5 | |
1405380463 | 1405394074 | t3_2app3b | t5_2to41 | 56 | BUDABEAST: TIFU by trying to put out a grease fire with water.
Well this happened July 1st but anyway, I live in an apartment and I was trying to cook fried chicken and impress my girlfriend before she came home from work. I was heating up the vegetable oil on high and started realizing it didn't look right. I had it covered and every time I opened it it gave off a weird chemical smell. The last time I uncovered it the oil caught on fire. It wasn't very big mind you, just a rolling blue flame over the top. Unfortunately the rest of the burners and countertops were covered so I placed the pot in the sink. The only thing I thought of to off the flame was by far the stupidest. I turned the faucet on over it and watched it combust while the flame reached toward the ceiling and into the living room ( kitchen is half open where you can see into living and dining room). I ran out to get the fire extinguisher but it was locked and the smasher thing was completely hidden from view. I ran back in and my girlfriends sister had put out the flame by dumping an almost entire bag of flour on it. Before the flame was put out though the sprinkler system activated and alerted the fire department which came in about 20 minutes. So there was little fire damage but my apartment was ultimately flooded by about 3 inches of water. Serve pro was called and are still on the process of repairing whatever water damage had occurred. Also I didn't have renters insurance at the time and may have to pay for damages out of pocket which they say is around $11,000.
T.I.F.U!!!!!
tl;dr: Tifu by putting out grease fire with water. Mostly water damage from sprinkler system, may have to pay for repairs myself.
[deleted]: Shit, that is one genuine fuck up right there. Could have happened to anyone really. I suggest getting a lawyer before paying those 11k. You said that the fire smashing thing was hidden from view, and I am sure there are plenty of ways a good lawyer can get you out off those 11k.
JeremyRodriguez: This. You could say you attempted to use the fire extinguisher that would have prevented the damages but it was unavailable due to the glass breaking not being available.
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1405379889 | 1405400765 | t3_2apo7n | t5_2to41 | 9 | idostupidthing: TIFU by asking why the game stop employee and her friends were in costumes?
I went into game stop and seen the two female workers that are usually there one was working while the other one must have just been visiting. I notice something is different about them and without thinking I ask the cashier and her friend why they are wearing cosplay costumes. They both looked at me with a baffled and confused look and asked "You think we are in costumes?" I quickly responded and said " yeah because of your..... your....(pointing at her hair)" at this moment is when the realization slowly began to sink in that they were not in cos play costumes and as a matter of fact I have never seen the bright red haired cashier before in my life. As for her friend she was dressed up really nice looking good for who knows what. After I realized that it's just the style they choose to roll today I felt my face heating up like a volcano my face began sweating like I was running a marathon. I felt like the biggest douchebag on earth so I began apologizing profusely and I told them I was stupid. Yet again my brain hatched up another brilliant idea and I made up a story that I took a test and I was legally mentally retarded haha I guess I just wanted to take away any force that my words might have done to their image. As I was on my way out I told them they were both beautiful and to have a good day. Hopefully I don't go back there for a while.
tl;dr: Asked the female workers why they were wearing cosplay costumes they weren't so I told them I was retarded while blushing.
[deleted]: "I just wanted to take away any force that my words might have done to their image. As I was on my way out I told them they were both beautiful and to have a good day."
Why is it that nice people have shit social skills? You are fine, just keep that empathetic attitude and life will return the favor. However, work on your social skills,seriously, it will make your life unimaginably better AND it will give you the ability to spread that attitude to the rest of the world. You sound like a fucking awfully nice guy, the sad thing is that it doesn't matter if you can't share that with the rest of the world. Take a community college course on human communication, or simply read up on it as well as social skills and how to make small talk online if you have the self-discipline to self-teach. Seriously though, never stop caring about others, you are a great person for it. But also learn to cultivate your skills and personality so you can share it with others.
idostupidthing: Thank you thats a really nice thing to say Im glad someone thinks Im a good person I appreciate that! As far my social skills though I have no problem talking to people and I consider myself a confident guy but I guess the thing that kills my social skills though is the lack of interaction with people outside of my house I keep to myself a lot, and well I'm sure you know that social skills is a use it or lose it kind of skill. I just need to get that social ball rolling again and I'll be great. But this situation was just complete and utter panic though haha idk if it would have been any different had I been more outgoing lol.
[deleted]: Yea man, get out there and show it to the world! Most "nice guys" are really just assholes that don't have the social confidence to be an asshole, but you thoughts and actions pretty clearly demonstrate your values. I mean, you would rather call yourself retarded than hurt someone else's feelings, that is fucking noble! Most people wouldn't have the self-confidence let alone the wisdom to do that.Just know that bro, you are a rare majestic breed lol
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1405382196 | 1405385441 | t3_2aprx8 | t5_2to41 | 80 | Stily: TIFU by getting a random guys diarrhea on my new shoes
A couple of weeks ago me and my family visited Six Flags: Over Texas. As the day went through with thrills and good food nature called and I felt something brewing in my stomach. I made my way towards the toilets and was relieved to find a empty stall at once at the packed amusment park.
I always choose the urinals and rarley/never shit at public toilets, but latley I haven't cared if I needed to take dump at public toilets and just do it instead of holding it in. I was in there for a while because I mainly tried to make noise when someone flushed to mask the sound of me shitting.
As I was getting done and doing my wiping a man comes rushing into the stall next to me, I didn't care about it but no less than 10 seconds later just as the guy pulled his pants off he shat all over the floor. And this was no solid turd this was explosive diarrhea and the shit went everywhere. I look down on the floor and see that the fucking diarrhea had splattered over into my stall and as I look down on my shoes theres fucking diarrhea on the side of it. In the heat of the moment I didn't say anything I just wiped, pulled up my phone and took [***this picture for proof***](http://i.imgur.com/CiqzBdY.jpg)(watch at own risk)
Being a nice guy I made no fuss and did my business washed off my shoes. And as I exited the stall I gave the small kid going in there a stare that should've scared him enough not to enter. But he sure went in to that shit hole
***TL;DR: A guy had diarrhea in the stall next to me, shit over the floor and splatted it into my stall and onto my shoes.***
IM_A_BIG_FAT_GHOST: "There's shit everywhere! Even on my shoe!" "...let me take a picture...cause you know"
Stily: I live by pics or it didn't happen
IM_A_BIG_FAT_GHOST: It looks exactly the way I imagined it would look. Sorry you got the pooh on ya.
wyamarus: [This is more like what I imagined.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRx49-leiRE&feature=kp)
| 5 | 16 | |
1405384630 | 1406649239 | t3_2apvvp | t5_2to41 | 5,751 | HillOrBeHilled: TIFU by Causing a Bomb Threat at My High School
There's a couple of things you have to know about me for any of this to make sense. Firstly, I went to a small rural high school where everyday knows everybody and there's very little protocol for anything out of the ordinary. Secondly, I had recently had some heart problems, so I had been wearing a heart monitor that alerted me when my heart was beating irregularly. Thirdly, I'm a classic good girl who had never broken a rule in my life. In fact, until that fateful day I didn't even know where the principal's office was.
So here's what happened. For my physics class, I had to complete a project called "The Egg Drop Project". I'm pretty sure this is a common assignment for basic physics classes, but in case any of you don't know what it is allow me to explain. Basically the idea is to drop an egg onto the ground from 20 feet up without the egg breaking. Some people built complicated contraptions while some people just wrap the egg in bubble wrap and let that sucker fall. I decided to put my egg into a small box, fill the box with cotton balls, and close the box with duct tape. Now, my physics class was my last class of the day, so I decided to just set it inside the class room, put my name on it, and come back for it later. I thought that would be fine because I left projects in random classrooms all the time and no one ever messed with any of them. However, this time was different. Someone found my project and thought it would be funny to open up the classroom window and set it outside. I guess they thought that I would walk into the classroom, freak out because I couldn't find it, and then we'd all have a good old laugh about it. Wrong. So wrong. Apparently a student was arriving late to school and noticed a small, cardboard box just chillin' outside of the building and decided to go tell the main office about it.
So there I was, minding my own business, sitting in my 4th hour class, when a rushed, slightly panicked announcement came over the loud speaker. They called my name and asked me to come to the office. Immediately. I was already freaked out because I had never been called to the office before. But honestly I just assumed I had forgotten something at home that my mom was dropping off. When I got to the main office all of the secretaries were just staring at me. They all looked oddly pale, and they were not saying anything at all. I asked them if I had a package or something, and one of them just pointed to the principal's office and told me that they were expecting me. Okay. Weird. I was getting really nervous, but I didn't want to ask questions so I just went in anyway. I entered the room and there was my principal, my vice principal, and my egg drop project just sitting on the desk. I sat down across from them and I honestly didn't know what to think. The feeling in the room was so tense. No one said anything for so long and just when I couldn't take it anymore the principal said, "This was found by a student outside of the physics classroom. It has your name on it. We have called the police and they're on their way. We need you to tell us right now... is this a bomb? Do you have a detonator on your person? And if it is, in fact, a bomb I need you to tell us how to disarm it." I was shocked. I honestly didn't know if I should laugh or scream. Looking back on it now, it is absolutely ridiculous that a box containing an egg and bag of cotton balls could cause so much drama. But at the time I was scared out of my mind. I was getting ready to explain everything and apologize when the worst possible thing that could have ever happened actually happened. *beep* *beep*. My heart monitor. It had registered my nervousness and increased heart rate. It was dead silent in that room except for the sound of that beeping. All three of us just stared at each other, not moving, not even breathing. It started slowly and quietly, every second getting louder and faster until it actually sounded like a full-out action movie explosion countdown. The two grown men in front of me began to panic. One of them grabbed the intercom system and screamed "**EVERYBODY GET DOWN, WE'VE GOT A BOMB IN THE BUILDING!**" The other one grabbed the box and kind of just ran around the room with it. Meanwhile, I was yelling at them trying to explain that it wasn't a bomb and the beeping wasn't me trying to set it off. The whole thing probably only lasted 10 seconds, maybe less. But the panic in the room mixed with the screams from the secrataries outside made it feel like everything was in slow motion. When I got my wits about me I grabbed my monitor and pulled it off of my body. The beeping stopped, and they finally calmed down enough to hear me say, "IT'S NOT A BOMB IT'S AN EGG IN A CARDBOARD BOX AND I HAVE FUCKING HEART PROBLEMS."
Eventually, I explained everything. We didn't exactly laugh about it, but I got to go home for the rest of the day. So that was cool. Also everyone at school knew me as the girl who brought a bomb to school, and I made it into the graduation speech. So at least I have that going for me.
**TL;DR: Having heart problems is, in fact, NOT da bomb.**
**Edit: Okay. Quite a few of you are wondering why they would bring the box into the building if they thought it was a bomb. And honestly I wondered the same thing. The only thing I can come up with is that because my school was so small and they knew I was a good kid they didn't actually believe it was a bomb. If that's the case then they probably just planned on bringing me in so I could confirm that it was just a harmless egg in a box. They did end up changing their entire policy after this incident, and they added a bomb threat drill.**
**Edit 2: Reading through the comments (especially the ones who so kindly and respectful shared their opinion that this post is 'bullshit') has really shown me that people have no idea what's going in small towns like mine. It's not uncommon for people to bring weapons into the school. People have pocket knives attached to their backpacks and rifles in their vehicles. That's just the way it is. I don't actually care if people beleive my story or not, but the point is this shit happens all the time. It's not super unusual.*
Edit 3: Sorry I'm editing so much, but I want to answer the most common questions!
1. The egg DID survive, but the police took the box away. So I had to remake it. I eventually got all the points on my project. :)
2. Pretty much it was common knowledge who put the box outside, but he didn't get in trouble. I think everyone involved was just embarrassed and they wanted to put the whole thing behind them.
3. I appriciate all the concern about my heart! I'm alive and well. I have neurocardiogenic syncope, and I'm taking medicine that pretty much allows me to live normally!
Bootswithderfuhrer: Did they really think someone would make a bomb and then *put their own name on it?* Not even the most retarded terrorist in existence would do that
NightMgr: I know a guy who was a prominent local atheist leader back in the 80s and 90s. A domestic terrorist used his home address on a bomb he sent to someone.
The FBI did interview him asking if he knew anyone who would do it. He had no connection to the real bomber.
But, he said when the FBI interviewed him they said "right now we don't know who did this so everyone is a suspect, but since your address was on it, you're pretty much the least suspected person in the country."
billyboybobby27: So basically, put your name and address on your bombs
NightMgr: Yes. I encourage all bomb makers to do so.
BallsDeepInDaPope: instructions unclear, just bombed my house
ballzdeepinurmom: Instructions unclear dick stuck in bomb and the counter started
Rock_It_Lawn_Chair: "Do I cut the blue vein or the red vein?"
"...uh... I dunno, man, I dunno"
"BLUE OR RED DAMMIT"
neverclevercomments: Wouldn't that be: "Do I cut the vein or the artery?"
[deleted]: *whoosh*
neverclevercomments: Trust me, I get the joke.
[deleted]: *awkwardness ensues* Oh. Err... good.
neverclevercomments: It's okay, I think we're the only two that noticed. I'll keep your secret, but I'm still giving you this (because I've never used it before): ಠ_ಠ
| 13 | 442.384615 | |
1405386606 | 1405389998 | t3_2apz27 | t5_2to41 | 41 | Todesengal: TIFU by accidentally calling a patient out on his penile implant
TIFU at my daily job and was most likely reported for sexual harassment by a patient.
I work as an x-ray tech in a clinic. I take x-rays. This week I'm training a new girl, so it's just me and her in the x-ray room.
We get an older gentleman in for a radiographic exam of his knee. Normally, we check the history to see if they have a knee implant or replacement--if they do, we do the exam slightly differently. The history does not list any replacements, and in retrospect we should have asked the patient himself if he had any hardware in his knee, but we just assumed he had a normal knee.
We take the first picture and blam, knee implant is staring us in the face. Oh well, that's fine.
I walk out to do the next picture and make a joking comment on "Oh, looks like you've got an implant in there, haha!" The patient gives me the oddest look, a mixture of surprise, horror, and offense. "We didn't realize you had one," I try to explain. "It just caught us by surprise, haha." He's looking angrier now, so I just shut up and focus on positioning him.
I open up the collimation length wise for the next picture, so the image will show much higher up his thigh (doctor requested we include as much of the femur as possible). I go back to the booth, take the image. The image loads, and the trainee and I stare in confused silence at the metal object that has appeared in his groin area. It is inexplicably penis-shaped.
It dawns on us. The man has a penile implant, and had assumed that when I commented on his implant, I was referring the one in his penis rather than in his knee. There's a furious, whispered discussion behind the control booth--do we apologize for the misunderstanding, or would that be admitting to something? We ultimately decide what's done is done and finish the exam without another word.
The supervisor wants to see me in his office tomorrow. I'm not feeling too optimistic about what he wants.
ChimpsRFullOfScience: You were talking about the knee implant, the whole time. His chart didn't show an implant (a rather glaring omission, considering he has at least two). Further, you have proof of this fact; the penile implant was only visible in the final image; you made your comments before that image was taken.
It might have been awkward, but you did nothing wrong. Don't worry, go into the meeting relaxed, you'll be fine.
Todesengal: I'm pretty sure I'll be fine, considering the supervisor likes me and I have the trainee to back me up.
His penile implant was in the history, weirdly enough, but we only found it after we re-read it because we only looked in the "recent/knee-related" section instead of the "what have you been doing to your dick" section
CrossedZebra: It's still not a big deal, but you did miss seeing it in his history, so arguably you could have avoided embarrassing the man. Even though you're on the level with your supe, I'd take the matter seriously and be more careful in future. HR is never on you side. But it was an honest and humorous mistake for all but one, nevertheless don't make light of it at work, apologize and move quietly on!
Todesengal: Thanks for the advice, man. I tend to make jokes when I'm nervous, so I'll have to consciously restrain myself with my coworkers and/or supervisor. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my mind.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1405389563 | 1405402162 | t3_2aq3r4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | DrSharkmonkey: TIFU by pissing in my girlfriends grandmas bed
So I was spending a weekend with some friends up at my girlfriends grandmothers house in the mountains (grandmother is gone for the month and gave permission). Last night, we were getting pretty drunk and I crashed with my girlfriend in her grandmas king sized bed. The next morning, I woke up soaked in my own piss and sitting in a soaking wet bed beneath me. To make things worse, I had been cuddling with my girlfriend for the duration of the night and had covered her in it as well. Today was our last day there, and the cleanup job was less than proficient. If grandma finds out, I'm so incredibly fucked.
hannahlovesme: First! Towel on the spot, walk on it non-stop. Flip towel often, new towels as necessary. Then hair dryer till all the moister is out. Then Fabreeze the shit out of it. When is Grandma coming back?
Piss eradication advice source: I have Great Danes who piss a whole lot more than you can.
DrSharkmonkey: Thanks for the tip! We left already but it looked at least moderately presentable. I'll keep your tip in mind next time I wet the bed
| 3 | 3 | |
1405391215 | 1405433229 | t3_2aq6g4 | t5_2to41 | 49 | drepicgames: TIFU by shooting my mother-in-law's BB gun
I was visiting my in-laws in South Carolina. Outside their dining room window there are several bird feeders my mother-in-law Karen keeps well stocked. She enjoys watching the birds. She does not enjoy watching the squirrels eat all the bird food. There are like four bird feeders, and all of them came advertised as "squirrel proof." Dirty lies.
By the window she keeps a daisy pump action BB gun. She uses it to scare off the squirrels. She'll crack open the window and pop off a shot. The squirrels will scatter, but they always end up coming back.
I thought it would be fun to shoot one of the squirrels. Karen assured me the BB gun didn't hurt the squirrels, that it would just startle them and get them away from the bird feeders. I cracked the window, aimed at a squirrel greedily filling his face with sunflower seeds three feet away, and pulled the trigger.
My mother in law does not know how to use her Daisy BB gun. She never had one as a kid growing up. She never learned that you need to have the safety on when you loaded the BB's in and cock the gun, otherwise they don't go into the chamber. She had never actually fired a BB at any of the squirrels.
I nailed the sucker. Pow. It fell to the ground and started squeaking. Oh god. It was terrible. It didn't stop. I felt sick. I didn't know what to do because I'm not a vet. I'm just a terrible person. I hoped it was just stunned and scared and that it would get better. I went outside picked it up in a grocery bag and moved it to the base of a tree because I thought that it would recover faster if it were in its natural environment. I went back inside and decided I would check on it again in 15 minutes.
Fifteen minutes later.
The squirrel was not getting better. It wasn't moving. It was just lying there, still at the base of the tree. I knew I had to man up and finish the job. I went back inside and got the BB gun. I apologized to the squirrel, put the the barrel an inch from terrified, little head, and shot him a second time.
Again, the squirrel did not die. Again, it started squeaking. A tiny bead a blood welled up on the side of his head. He squeaked. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Why are you shooting me? Squeak. I didn't know what to do. There was a cinder block nearby. I ran and grabbed it, held it over the squirrel, and dropped it.
So the ground by the tree is soft. There's grass and soil and it's not very hard. So if you drop a cinder block from about five feet above the ground onto the ground there's a lot of give. Like, enough give that if there were a squirrel between the ground and the cinder block, the squirrel would not be crushed to death. It would probably get a concussion or break multiple bones in its frail little body, but it wouldn't die. Squeak squeaksqueaksqueak "I'm sorry!" squeak squeaksqueak "Sorry!"
I picked up the cinder block again and threw it down this time, hoping my strength and gravity and the cinder block's mass would be enough to finally put this poor animal out of its misery. Squeak squeak squeak.
I'm on my knees. I'm raising the cinder block above my head and bringing it down again and again and I'm sorry God, I'm sorry squirrel, I'm sorry I'm sorry down, down, my hands covered in dirt and fur and blood, down, dead. No squeak.
I left the cinder block on top of the squirrel. Jennifer needed to go to Wal-Mart and I needed to go find a therapist who accepted walk-ins. We got home and Karen's dog had dug the squirrel out from under the cinder block and carried it back into the living room. Because it hadn't suffered enough indignity that day. I found the grocery bag I had used earlier, wrapped it up, and threw it away.
hannahlovesme: I was the Grim Reaper of BB gun wielding youths. You need 20 pumps on that roscoe brother.
Seriously though. You were convinced to scare the squirrels and actually shot one with a seriously under velocity shot. You said it was a Daisy BB gun. There are BB guns that have full pressure from one pump. This gun is not it.
I will spare you the long version, you did your best and most humane action by hitting him with a cinder block. It was ugly, but ultimately you did the most humane thing after critically wounding it with the BB gun. It was ugly, but damn son, you did the right thing.
drepicgames: I know it was the humane thing to do. I just wish that it had worked the first try, and not the 4th or 5th. I felt some much worse about killing it badly than killing it in the first place.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: Why didn't you try to kill it right after hitting it?
Hunting/extermination rule number one. You do not let a wounded animal live. Last week I spent four hours laying in a a field, waiting for the gopher I had taken a foot off of to come out of it's den again. But I put it down as soon as I could.
drepicgames: > I agree. In retrospect, that's exactly what should have happened. Unfortunately(?), I don't have any previous experience shooting animals. When I saw it was still alive, I had hope it was just stunned and would get better. There were no visible wounds (unlike the second shot to the head) so I thought "he'll just walk it off. Give him a minute."
>
> Nope.
ISTRANGLEHOOKERSAMA: well whatever. Pump the damn thing a bunch more next time, or buy a spring rifle...
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1405390843 | 1405393592 | t3_2aq5tz | t5_2to41 | 7 | ILLSHITONURPILLOW: TIFU by flicking a fly and thinking it was over....
So I am in bed on the computer watching the Home Run Derby. When all of a sudden this fucking fly lands right on the key board. So Im blowing it huffing and buffing like the god damn wolf from the 3 little pigs...he won't move! So I flick him. Mistake! Now this fucker comes back and sits on my screen and no matter how many times I bat at him he keeps coming back! So like a dumbass I slam my computer shut on it...... A. Hes trapped in there waiting to fuck my shit up and i never open it again or B. I grow a pair ..... I am seriously thinking about letting that Rambo fly stay in there.
Arcticfox04: These are the times you need a good spider around to take care of business.
ILLSHITONURPILLOW: If I had trapped a spider in my computer instead of a fly.....id have a new computer lol
Arcticfox04: And everybody is a winner.
ILLSHITONURPILLOW: No the spider gets a free place to live and I am out of a computer. Lol
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1405391891 | 1405535683 | t3_2aq7le | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by hitting on a girl in the line of a supermarket
Every once in a while, I foolishly delude myself into thinking that I'm a smooth and charming person. Today, unfortunately, this backfired on me.
So it was about 9:00 o'clock, and I was picking up a couple of things at the supermarket. The store wasn't too crowded. I went up to the line at the cashier and there were about three people in line. There was one cute girl ahead of me and this is where things took a downward spiral.
Now before I begin, let me tell you where my head is at this point. I had just come back from an acting club at my university and was feeling fairly confident. Also, I've been trying to get out of my shell more often so I thought to myself "Why not throw down a cheap/funny pick-up line?" Of course, I wasn't expecting much. Maybe just a small smile on her and that's it. That's more than I could have asked for, and boy did I wish it could have went so well. Here's what I wanted to say, and how I roughly wanted the ensuing dialogue to proceed:
 
Me: "Hey, long time no see!"
 
Her: "Do I know you?"
 
Me: "Hi, my name's The-Show-Time! Well, now you know me."
 
Simple enough I suppose. Here's how it actually went down.
 
Me: "Hey!"
 
No response.
 
Me: "Hello?"
 
Nothing.
 
Me: "Um..hello?"
 
Still nothing. Maybe I could have stopped here. Maybe I could have passed it off as nothing. Nope. My awkward self had to see this through somehow.
 
Me: "Long time no see!"
 
Still no response. Fuck.
 
Me: "Never mind."
 
Shortly after I said this, I realized how stupid it was to end off with that. I stopped talking after that, and left once I rang up my groceries. The worst part was that the girl looked at me like I was crazy as she was leaving.
So now the cashier of my neighbourhood store, and a couple of other shoppers think I'm some weird creep. Lovely Monday.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: >So now the cashier of my neighbourhood store, and a couple of other shoppers think I'm some weird creep. Lovely Monday.
To be fair, awkwardly hitting on strangers at the supermarket is a pretty creepy thing to do.
Makemydaypunks: To be fair, awkwardly hitting on strangers at the supermarket is a pretty bold thing to do.
FTFY
Horatio_Stubblecunt: Bold and creepy aren't mutually exclusive.
I could publicly rub my dick on the shoulder of someone seated in McDonalds - that'd be pretty bold, and very fucking creepy.
Makemydaypunks: Go ahead and think that ever approaching a member of the opposite sex in public is creepy. I could care less. Now excuse me while I go get my dick sucked by a girl I met at Kroger's.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: Ask her to take her dentures out first though. You're welcome.
Makemydaypunks: Your mom doesn't wear dentures.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: Not since she died, she doesn't
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1405391737 | 1405408936 | t3_2aq7c8 | t5_2to41 | 351 | paintedshween: TIFU by trying to be a considerate daughter. Could be NSFW
Today I fucked up twice. The first time was when I was going to clean my parents houses only bathroom. I've been staying here recently, so I wanted to help my mom out a little. The door has a lock, and everyone uses it when they shower because we're all a bunch of lazy fucks who don't knock. Today, my dad forgot to lock the door.
I calmly open the door, cleaning supplies in hand, not really paying attention, until I hear water running and an all too familiar sound coming from the direction of my parents walk-in shower. Looking back now, I dont know what the living fuck possessed me to look, but oh did I fucking look. Sick feeling growing in my stomach, I turn my head 60° to the left beholding a sight that still makes me want to gouge out my eyes to avoid ever seeing it again. There's my father, eyes closed, leaning against the wall, jacking off at the speed of fucking light, moaning shallowly.
I just stand there for what seemed like eons, staring, jaw on the floor, until the bile rising from the deep pit in my stomach caused me to snap back into reality. I somehow managed to back out of the bathroom without him noticing, and ran straight to my trashcan to release aforementioned bile. Thus the end of fuck up #1.
Fuck up #2 is a tad more disturbing.
This is much later. Dad has finished his shower, and I have cleaned the kitchen and utility area instead of the bathroom. After having time to remind myself that I'm an adult and my father is human, I go to take my own shower. Shower thoughts take over my mind, and I start to forget what happened earlier. Halfway through rinsing out my hair, I discover the water isn't draining properly and has already risen over the top of my feet. I turn off the shower, thinking that it must be hair blockage, as that's a common problem with my parents' shower drain.
I slip off the drain cover and see that there is, in fact, hair wrapped around whatever you call the thing underneath there. I decided the easiest way to remove it would be to just pull it with my fingers. Well, I do that, but there is enough hair coming out of this drain to make a small wig, and it gets more and more difficult to pull out. I give the now wad of hair a yank and a clump of what seems to just be more hair comes out. Thinking to myself "almost done, can't stop now", I grab the new clump of hair, ready to finish this. Welcome to fuck up #2.
As I'm grabbing the hair clump, a thick, yellowish, clumpy substance oozes out of it and plops onto my foot. I do nothing but stare at my foot for a few seconds as it dawns on me that this might very well be the leftovers of the activity I witnessed earlier.
I immediately kick out, attempting to sling the stuff off my foot, which sends my idiot self backwards until I fall right on my naked ass, and the hair I had in my hand goes flying through the air and sticks to the nearby shower wall.
I then had to clean up the huge mess I made, including the substance that may very well have been my fathers partially congealed semen and the remains of the drain hair, AND finish my shower, choking back my repeated gags as both scenes played over and over in my head.
Now I have a sore ass, an empty stomach, and two stories I will never, ever tell anyone in my family.
TL;DR: Walked in on my father jacking off in the shower, able to see everything thanks to the convenient glass shower doors, and later got a good handful of what looked like old semen and wet hair.
blinddivine: I once walked in on my grandmother's mistress masturbating to the playboy channel a long time ago. i started to walk into the room, saw the look on her face, where her hands were, and what was on the tv and noped out of there. she didn't see me as far as i know thank goodness. But seriosuly that's a terrible experience.
"There's my father, eyes closed, leaning against the wall, jacking off at the speed of fucking light, moaning shallowly." i started laughing wildy at that!!!
paintedshween: I'm glad you guys are entertained. Something good came of it at least, ha. "Came"? Like my dad?
*sobs*
blinddivine: i think it was the speed of light part. but for reals, go get yourself some eye-bleach and watch something funny! forgot to mention finding my mother's double-ended dildo...twice.
paintedshween: Twice? Damn.
blinddivine: once when i was too young to understand what the floppy rubber thing was, and once when i was old enough to definitely know what the floppy rubber thing was and *where it went*. the first time around i just kinda held it and flopped it around after fining it on the side of my mother's gf's bed, then i put it back (no one was home) next time i looked it was gone.
paintedshween: Wow. I bet it was weird finding something like that as a kid.
blinddivine: oh yeah, since men were never a part of my life until i was old enough to date.(my mother was a lesbian as was my granma and her ma. basically men were sperm donors) that thing looked like a real double ended dick.
| 8 | 43.875 | |
1405378943 | 1405466613 | t3_2apmo1 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: Tifu by pissing myself.
Today I went swimming with some friends after work. This normally would have been a great idea but the water was freezing. I mean freeze your tits off freezing. We stayed until it was too cold and by the time I was dried off I really had to pee. I wasn't about to go back into the water just to pee and get out because well that's weird and I figured that I could make it home. WRONG! I got just to the road and I felt ready to explode. I thought you know maybe I can just go behind a tree but there was a freaking funeral procession so that wouldn't work either. My legs were shaking as I biked along, looking for a chance to just pee. I thought I was gonna fall off my bike if I didn't go soon so I biked towards a store that I knew had a bathroom inside. As I got off my bike, my shoe broke. The piece the goes between your toe just snapped. Being a dumbass I tried to pick it up with my toe but my bike tire ran over my toe. At that moment I pissed myself. There were probably 3 or 4 cars outside the store who saw. They all saw me break my shoe, run over my toe and piss myself. I just biked back and jumped into the water after that.
rwfforever: What were you wearing?
[deleted]: Bathing suit under shorts and a shirt
rwfforever: Ouch. So it showed? Why didn't you just squat somewhere?
[deleted]: Yeah it was all down my legs haha. I was gonna go off into the trees but there was a funeral procession. I'd like to think I'd have made it if I didn't run my toes over lol
| 5 | 3 | |
1405392639 | 1405393950 | t3_2aq8s6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | IDrinkPussySweat: TIFU by using WD-40 as a JO lubricant at work.
I work in construction. Today at work I got horny. I'm no dry guy but had no lube but I did have WD-40. I brought a can into a porta-john and went at it. Some of it got into my urethra and now my dick hurts like no other. It's red, inflamed, and burns like the fires of hell.
I. Fucked. Up.
[deleted]: BULLSHIT!
IDrinkPussySweat: I applied at the base and tried not to stroke too high.
It didn't work.
[deleted]: So you KNEW the danger of getting it in your urethra and you STILL went for the WD-40? This CAN'T be TRUE!!!
JustBad2: Says the username that probably would have through the same problem.
[deleted]: Whoa, in no way does having a tiny dick imply that WD-40 will ever be involved with it, in any way!
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1405392433 | 1405441159 | t3_2aq8hf | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU because I screwed up my first ever date
For about a week, I was on Tinder just to see what I can actually get. On my second day, I got a match with a girl I was actually really interested in. I gave an awesome pickup line and she actually liked it and had her attention. She then asked me for my phone number. Like a horny 20 yo on Tinder, I gave her my number without hesitation.
When she texted me, she first sent me some pics of herself and I thought I am a stud. I sent her some images to return the favor. We got into really awesome conversation and I thought she was great.I could tell she was really into me because she sent me the winky face in almost every reply. In the conversation, she said that she wouldn't go all out because she wants to make sure I'm not a serial killer.
A day later, we started to get really into each other and I asked her what kind of movies she likes to watch. She told me that she likes horror films and this gave me an idea. I asked her if she would like to go to the movies and Deliver Us From Evil over text on the next day. She said yes, and I was exciting because I actually asked a real girl to a real date. I asked her which theater she wanted and she said that I can choose. This is in South Florida so there are a lot of theaters in the region. I chose a small, quiet theater which is perfect.
On the date day, which was yesterday, I was so excited that I actually felt good about myself. When I arrived at the theater, I texted her and she told me that she's running late. No biggy because it was a long drive for her. I told her that I will wait for her at the lobby. 5 minutes later, she walked by me, and introduced herself to me. When I looked at her, I had some mixed emotions because I thought she was hot at the date, but she didn't look quite like her photos. And so, we went into the theater room.
In the room there was maybe 3 people in it so it was very nice. She told me that if she sees something scary, she would scream like a little girl. During the movie, I want to put my arm around, or at least hold her. However, I was anxious whether or not she would get mad at me. There so many chances for me to hold her hands, but I'm worry that I would freak her out.
After the film, we talked about our universities, major, and families. When we left the room, she was saying what we want for our next date. She asked where I parked, and I told her that I am the blue Honda Accord near the lamp post. She saw the car, and she told me that she parked next to me. What a coincidence. As we almost leave, I told her that I had a great time, and I went in the first kiss. It was no ordinary kiss, it was a french kiss. A french kiss on a first date is not a great idea, especially if it's your first date. It was like a 10 second kiss and I stopped because I thought things could go ugly. She said that I like to be extremely forward on first dates. I asked if it is a bad thing, and she said no. We said our goodbyes and I felt like a proud 16 yo while driving home.
On the next day, which is today, I texted her that I had a great time and asked what she thought of the date. She said that she had a great time, but she said that she didn't feel any sparks.She said that it was great, and she kept saying that I'm great I should relax. And to this day, I know I will not be successful in the dating world.
**TL;DR** Got a match on Tinder, asked a girl on a first real date, and destroyed my chances because of my first kiss and my fears of making physical contact with her.
Wrocquo: I'm confused. You went on a date with an attractive girl, had a good time, kissed her at the end of it, and parted on good terms. How is that a fuck up?
So you went on a date and didn't get laid. Sure it sucks, but it could have been *so* much worse. What if you would have sneezed right as you went in for the kiss? What if you farted during the movie and it was one of those god awful ones that hangs around and just sticks in your nose? So on and so forth. If this was truly your first date, then you're off to a good start.
[deleted]: The reason why I think that I fucked up because the lack of physical contact prior to the kiss. That's what I think the reason why she did not feel any sparks. Also thank you for your advice!
bigMOT: Dude, relax...The dating world is all about figuring out what works and what doesn't work for you. Trust me, you'll do much worse, and you'll learn from those mistakes. Hell, my first date I took a girl to the middle school dance and was too scared to dance with her...you're off to a good start my man.
[deleted]: Wow thank you!
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: My best friend took his middle school girl-of-his-dreams to the dance, went in for a kiss and she slapped him, so you're doing fine bro.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1405393227 | 1405395133 | t3_2aq9s0 | t5_2to41 | 27 | TrailMixGirl: TIFU by going on a date.
So, it was ninth grade, and there was this guy. We'll call him Steve.
Steve was great. Steve was tall, with sweet brown eyes and a gorgeous smile. Steve was fun. Steve wasn't too shabby of a kisser, as I found out during a game of Spin-the-Bottle.
In case you haven't guessed, I had a crush on Steve. A gigantic crush that I had nursed for awhile. Anyway, shortly after the Spin-the-Bottle thing, Steve asked me on a date to a local fair. I thought it was odd to be asked on a date in high school, especially after having "boyfriends" I had known for a few days. But whatevs. Of course, I said yes.
The day came, and I was psyched. I played out this romantic fantasy in my head: going to the fair, enjoying the rides, being kissed on my front porch, and having an awesome boyfriend. However, I also had a tendency for stomach issues, and nerves certainly did not help. *But if I flake,* I thought, *he'll probably think I'm not interested, and he'll never ask me to be his girlfriend.* So I just skipped breakfast and lunch, and tried to ignore it.
Eventually, I see a silver car pull up in the driveway, and my stomach lurches. I start to panic, but there's no going back....
Obviously, Steve and I can't drive, so his dad, his younger sister, and her friend are also with us. The car ride is a little awkward, and I'm struggling with motion sickness. We finally arrive, and instead of being relieved by the fresh air, I am immediately greeted by the smell of fair food. Southern fair food. It's like being in an invisible cloud of grease.
"So what do you want to do?" I ask.
"Oh, I wanna go on ALL the rides!"
So that's what we did. We went on every single ride. His favorite was that ride that spins you so quickly that you stick to the wall, so we went on that one twice. Every time I opened my mouth, I was afraid of blowing chunks, so I kept quiet.
Steve was obviously bored with me. He wasn't being his usual flirty, cute self. I was losing him. I had to do something.... My eyes darted over to the port-a-potties, and I meekly excused myself. Once inside that forest green gas chamber, I shoved my fingers down my throat. Nothing.
Finally, it was time to go. As I approached the car, trying to figure out how to make up for this later, I stopped dead in my tracks. *I can't do this. I can't ride in this car.* Panic took over, and I asked for a moment while I paced around. Steve, his dad, his sister, and her friend watched me.
"Are you okay?" Steve asked.
*....Nope.* "Eh, I'll be fine!" And I hopped into the car. The oven-on-wheels.
The drive wasn't far, but it felt like it took hours. In agony, I watched the trees go by, anticipating every landmark. We approached one of the last turns, and my anxiety started to dissipate.
It wasn't long after I saw it that the smell hit. The seafood restaurant. What would have been a tantalizing aroma on almost any other day became the equivalent of rotten garbage and hot road kill. I felt the searing liquid I had so dreaded rise in my stomach and my throat. I tried to gulp it down as I had already done that day, but my body wasn't having it.
What happened next did not seem real. It still doesn't. An eruption of vile, putrid liquid erupted from my mouth, hitting the back of the driver's seat, pouring into my lap, and splashing onto my handsome date. And it didn't look like just any barf; it resembled diarrhea, but had a worse smell. How it did not set off a horrific chain reaction, I do not know. How I had so much vomit in my stomach without eating a thing that day, I also do not know.
Steve's dad pulled over. No one said a word, except the little sister, who uttered what was on everyone's minds: "Ew."
The next hour is a blur. I remember scooping vomit out of the seat while apologizing over and over. I remember Steve's face, mouth tight and nose wrinkled in disgust. I remember a silent drive to my house. And I remember there was no kiss on the front porch. No new boyfriend.
Over hour later, I called Steve to apologize again. After a long silence, he said the words that would haunt me for a long time:
"I *just* finished cleaning up the car."
On Monday, Steve did not look at me or speak to me. But everyone else did. Everyone knew.
....And that's how I started out high school!
**TL;DR: I went on a date with my crush to the fair, threw up on the way home, and was traumatized for life.**
[deleted]: High school guys can be such ungrateful jerks. I have begged women to puke for me on a first date and they have ALL walked out on me right then and there. You'll find your Throwmeo some day . . .
TrailMixGirl: Actually, you know what? I did find my Throwmeo. One time, my boyfriend held my hair while I puked into the toilet, and washed my hands, and gave me his extra toothbrush and toothpaste.
And that's when I knew that he was The One. ;)
[deleted]: This is weirdly the most uplifting thing I've read all day. Puke on, young lovers!
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1405392971 | 1405444002 | t3_2aq9cz | t5_2to41 | 228 | Dickknot: TIFU: by tying my penis in a knot
My dick is about 8 and 3 quarter inches long; seem like every guy's dream, right?... Well it's only about as wide as an average hot dog, when hard. It's like the polar opposite of a chode.
So today as I'm driving to work, for whatever reason I get this song stuck in my head-
"Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?"
I couldn't get this fuckin' dong out of my head for 10 minutes. So finally I decided to change the lyrics.
"Alright, not ears... umm... tongue? no... hmm... PENIS!
As I'm singing this new version over and over in my head, I start thinking "well yes my penis hangs low, yes it wobbles to and fro, but... CAN I tie it in a knot? Holy shit I gotta try this!
When I finally get home I rush to the bathroom and quickly start trying to tie my dick in a knot. I figure out a few minutes in that it needs some kind of lubricant. I grab a tub of vaseline and lube up. Sure enough a minute later I got my dick in a knot (imagine knotted bread but a dick) and I'm sitting there all content with myself.
Then I get that feeling, that feeling right before getting a huge raging boner. I franticly start trying to untie my dicknot but the vaseline renders that impossible. I try to wash off the vaseline but as you know "one does not simply 'wash off' vaseline." By this time the whole knot is as hard as... well, a bone. Then I realize something even more terrifying; the tip of my dick is tingling and turning an unnatural purple color.
The only thing I could do was to sit there in ever-increasing pain and wait out this cock-rock.
After 10 minutes I was able to undo the knot and assess the damage. The entire tip of my penis was one big black-and-blue bruise and the entire shaft felt like I had gotten a blowjob from someone with lock jaw.
In short- Don't tie your penis in a knot.
mealzer: Well I don't believe you but you still get an up vote because it was a funny story regardless
fundayz: Yeah I'm pretty sure the boner would self-neutralize as soon as pain started
yeaExtraa: The blood gets caught and actually stops it from subsiding, I've seen medical shows with people going in to hospital because they stuck they're dick in something, got hard, and couldn't get out because the blood can't flow back to make it soft.
Brogrammer: To have a happy boner ending, the bliss must flow.
| 5 | 45.6 | |
1405393991 | 1405399801 | t3_2aqb15 | t5_2to41 | 30 | IDontLikeAnyofYall: TIFU by tailgating some smart-ass kids
I ended up waking up late for work today and got ready as quick as I could and rushed out the door. As soon as I turned out of my neighborhood I was behind a blue Sebring with two high-school aged kids in it. They were probably going the exact speed limit, maybe a little under. Within a minute of me getting too close to them they dropped their speed. Next thing I know I'm going 15 mph in a 50 with a long line of cars behind us. It was about a 4-5 mile long one lane road and every chance I got to pass them they would block me. I showed up late to work but ended up making it through the day.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station at the very beginning of the same road. As I was pulling out to go right and head home I look left and made eye contact with these two same high school kids driving by in a blue Sebring. I pull out behind them and start my 15 mph 4-5 mile trek home. I didn't even try to pass them. They won.
Tl;dr Two high-school kids got even for me being an aggressive driver. Twice.
dLuR: I bet they were laughing their asses off..
At least you don't drive a Sebring, so technically it's a tie.
caffeinefueled: agreed, nothing offsets a potential win from being caught riding in a sebring.
| 3 | 10 | |
1405394894 | 1405451741 | t3_2aqcfz | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU after being told "You can put it anywhere" by a Girl, I poured Tequila in her vagina.
Was at a friends house on the weekend and it became body shot o clock.
I went into the kitchen and a Girl followed me in with some tequila and lemon slice and said it's time for body shots, laid on the kitchen floor and told me I could put it anywhere.
So I thought about it, and I did. I pulled her bra off and licked one of her nipples, and put salt there, lemon in the mouth, and the piece de resistance, pulled her pants off and put the tequila between her legs.
Predictably when i went for the tequila I sucked up the plastic shooter, choked on it, and spilled it.
Unfortunately for me she didn't have a burning vagina fetish.
Needless to say we didn't have sex that night.
obamabot447: What if like... you poured it into her vagina and she starts breathing sharply as if she had been stung. Her breathing increases and she starts to moan. You take this as a generally good sign, but then her breathing become erratic. You realize she's in pain. Suddenly a tongue pips out of her vagina. It starts to lick the remaining tequila. She sees the tongue and starts to scream hysterically. Lumps appear in her abdomen as something is pushing out. She is now screaming at the top of her lungs. Then a head pops out of her vagina, not that of a child, but of a fully grown Latin man. "Hola, me llamo Fresco" he says as he moves to climb out. This is too much for your girl, she passes out. Fresco continues to climb out, and her vagina gets larger and more open. Fresco climbs out and you can see deep into her vagina and it looks like....central America!!? Suddenly hundreds of kids charge the vaginal entrance from the other side. They start pouring through by the hundreds! You look again at your girlfriend and she looks less like your girlfriend and more LIKE A NYDUS CANAL FROM STARCRAFT 2!!!!! FUUUUUK!!!! you spend the rest of your night frantically cooking up rice and beans for the kids that continue to pour through the husk canal.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!?!? Also send me your email address I can share some family pics with you. Thanks!
MostEpicRedditor: Your what-ifs are awesome.
obamabot447: I'm trying to prepare people because what if it does happen and they aren't ready...
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1405395798 | 1405396802 | t3_2aqdw1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | phycas: TIFU 200 FT IN THE AIR
So this happened almost a year ago but I rly couldve killed someone.
About this time a year ago I got on with a cell tower company doing everything from adding new antennas, changing out guide wires and building all types of comms towers.
First day on the job im assigned to a crew with a guy that had been there for almost 30 yrs and tight away I knew I could trust the guy as far as work related issues, other than depending on him for my own personal safety. On day one as we ride away from the shop, he pulls out his pipe and asks if I have anything to put in it. This is 2 days after passing a piss test :). So we turn back around and grab my stash, which is a 1/2 oz mason jar. We toke up and in about 30 mins were at the work site, a 190 ft monopole with another ground crew doing some maintenance on their coax. We do the best we can to work around them, but my foreman is getting pissed at their requests. Theres a lot of rigging And positioning to contend with, this being my first experience at a new job I try and be as of much help as I can without slowing ppl down, but on a tower theres almost no room unless youre a monkey.
Now the fuckup begins.
another foreman brings us lunch around 3 pm and asks us to send down a nosebag, looks like a horse sweet feed bag. We have one to spare and start emptying extra tools when I realize that I left my jar in the bag! So I radio down to tell him its not empty and he sends it back up. In about 3 feet of him sending up the rope, the bag snaggs on a footpeg and in slow motion one of the guys up top with me bobbles the fucking jar, and it falls 190 ft. Tumbling slowly end over end, my jar misses my foreman by an armhair. He said he felt it. The jar smashes on the concrete compound and glass sprays like shrapnel all over the place. I am frozen solid in my harness. He radios up and asks me to come down, saying the jar smells like ALCOHOL! At this point im ready to get fired, having just spent close to 1500 on my tools. LSS I have to get an alcohol sobriety test done at a clinic close by. The aftermath was bearable ended up writing an apology email to the ground techs. Lesson learned, dont smoke when youre already high
TL; DR took my stash up high to get high-er, almost killed someone with a glass grade
Bnlol1: Why the hell are you getting high at work man? That's on the same level as getting drunk at work. I got no problem with marijuana, but you don't do it at work man!
phycas: Well I completely agree, the circumstances were really odd. Other ppl were getting tools and stuff from the truck we were in, and my boss told me to put it in a nosebag to bring up so nobody would find it, we didnt have a bowl plus good luck trying to smoke anything on a tower in 40 mph winds. Plus all of the electrical risk and it being a new job. I shouldve clarified I didnt have an apparatus in the OP lol.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405396857 | 1405476891 | t3_2aqfg2 | t5_2to41 | 12 | UndeadShawn: TIFU by borrowing a USB drive
So, school can be tough on the mind. I forgot my flash drive the day a project was due. I decide, "Well shit. I guess some form of project is better than none." So, I decide to ask a friend to borrow his flash drive so I can bullshit a project and have a way to turn it in. He hesitates but decides yes. Later in the day I sit down and begin to work. When I finished, I opened up the drive to save the file. The first thing I see....porn. Not just normal porn. Lolicon, tentacle, bondage, rape and furry porn. Here I am sitting in the school library, people all around, porn on the screen wondering if he knew I had this USB drive. Bro, at least put that in a folder.
TL;DR Borrowed a USB and opened up a shit-ton of porn in a public place, surrounded by people I knew.
burdturgler1154: What, did they see thumbnails or something? Or did you just blatantly open porn?
UndeadShawn: I couldn't tell what it was (I just recently got much needed glasses) and opened it up and it began to cycle through, like a slideshow.
burdturgler1154: Risky choice, my friend.
UndeadShawn: Wish I'd known when I opened it. Luckily, nobody mentioned anything, though. So, either nobody saw or nobody wants to embarrass me, thinking I'm into that kind of thing. The way I see it, out of sight, out of mind. I'd rather stay in the dark.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1405383479 | 1405410655 | t3_2aptyu | t5_2to41 | 13 | grossobesity: TIFU by destroying an American dream giving a non-English speaking subway rider wrong directions to Brooklyn.
This morning there was a very pretty Russian speaking Chinese looking woman looking at a map on her phone, she asked how to get to Brooklyn. I thought I had it figured out and I was pretty sure she understood, but at the next station stop I told her to get off, but it was one stop too early and would not be able to transfer. After she got off the train I realized and felt horribly but it was too late. I spent the whole day thinking about the job interview she was late for, which she didn't get and now would have to leave the country to go back to some god forsaken Russian village. Her American dream destroyed by some idiot in the train. Sorry Miss.
caffeinefueled: great you just ruined her life good job
j/k if she didn't ask for directions a 2nd time just to make sure its consistent with you directions its her own fault. I always ask 2-3 different people for directions to avoid situations like this.
RABIDSAILOR: Yeah at least one other passenger should have corrected you, rather than ignoring the misguided directions you were giving.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405399715 | 1405401500 | t3_2aqjb3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not quoting Jon Lajoie
This happened last year. I'm in class taking notes on presentations. Now, the teacher was an old hag who liked to make things harder on us, so these notes were to be handed in and graded. I am taking notes on a debate about gun control. Me being a lousy student, wasn't really paying attention. In the void of reason which is my brain, and being a typical little smart ass. I thought it would be funny to quote the song, "Guns don't kill" by Jon Lajoie. You know "Guns don't kill people, uh-uh. I kill people, *click* *click*, with guns. *pow*." I wrote it with quotes, but didn't write Jon Lajoie's name, obviously being a classic fuck up that I am. Well my teacher did not find it humorous. She sent notified the principals office and gave him my notes. I got called in later and got grilled about whether I've ever thought about shooting up the school. Now the principal knew the song, but he couldn't let something like that slide. Keep in mind, this was soon after Sandy Hook, so everyone was still on edge. I felt like king idiot.
TL;DR I scared my teacher by quoting Guns don't kill.
Silly_buns: At least you didn't talk about... "Old people burning."
captiancurtains: Knowing that teacher, I would have been arrested.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405400961 | 1405404212 | t3_2aqkx5 | t5_2to41 | 36 | Colorado12344: TIFU by trying to introduce my 9 year old daughter to animation
I feel about 2 inches tall right now. I messed up, but I think there is a silver lining. I'm on a throwaway, so I won't reap any sweet karma that may come my way, but I am putting this out there for other single/ geek dads.
Grammar nazi's please have fun.
I'm a single dad, recently divorced (about 10 months). Have two kids 50% (boy, 3;girl 8).
This is all about my daughter, so please don't infer that I love my son any less. It just happened with her. (He was asleep)
So, my daughter is pretty smart, above her age level in reading, ect. She just finished Anne Franke's Diary. She likes watching the History Channel with me ( when they actually show documentaries). We have had really in depth discussions about why those things happened to Anne and the reasons for all the hate against the Jews.
Anyway, that is all backstory. My daughter been recently showing interest in some of my "guilty pleasure" tv. Simpson's and Futurama are the main ones.
Fast forward to three days ago, in the check-out line at King Soopers. There among all the gossip rags sits a single, out of place, traditional comic , as close to the traditional comics that I grew up with, from Bongo Comics. It's a Simpson's Illustrated. 22 pages of colorful glory.
She show some interest, I ask her if she would like me to buy it ( even though it's $4). She says yes, and I could not be happier.
The ride home was filled with her reading the comic and asking me questions about all the characters.
Who was that? Why do they do that?
Who knew that my decades long love/watching of a "cartoon" would now allow me to connect with my daughter.
I digress, and have gotten off the original topic. So how did I "F" up?
There was a full page ad in the comic for Futurama. My daughter was very interested. She knew that I watched it when it was on, and asked if we could watch it together.
So mindlessly tonight, she jumped into my lap and asked if she could watch "my" show with me. I said of course, it will be on in a couple of minutes.
So, we sat down on the couch under a single blanket and watched her first Futurama episode. Pausing many times to explain who everyone is and where they were from.
All was well, the episode ended and I sent her upstairs to get ready for bed ( I usually give her 5 minutes to change and brush teeth) till I go upstairs to tuck her in.
I go upstairs and it was a little different than usual. Lights were off and I can here faint whimpering. I go to her bedside and she is crying, heartfelt crying. I get all concerned and say "what's the matter".
She says "Fry lost his dog!"
It then sinks in that I just let her watch " Jurassic Bark". I've seen it countless times so my eyes do not water any more.
But the realization sank in as I just realized that I just introduced my daughter to animation with probably the saddest episode ever.
jl_snorlax: Be glad they changed it to his dogs body from his mom like they originally planned iirc.
Colorado12344: Really? Probably would have to do some therapy for that one.
jl_snorlax: I think they said it would have been too dark so they changed it.
" According to the DVD commentary, the original idea for the episode was to have Fry's mother fossilized instead of Seymour, but this idea was scrapped after it was thought to be too upsetting to the audience."
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jurassic_Bark#Production
autowikibot: #####	
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Section 2. [**Production**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jurassic_Bark#Production) of article [**Jurassic Bark**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jurassic%20Bark): [](#sfw)
---
>According to the DVD commentary, the last part of the episode where Seymour is waiting outside on the sidewalk was originally set to "Gayane's Adagio" from [Aram Khachaturian's](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aram_Khachaturian) [Gayane](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gayane_(ballet\)) ballet suite, famously used in the sequence introducing the *Discovery* spacecraft in *[2001: A Space Odyssey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2001:_A_Space_Odyssey_(film\))*, but was replaced with the song "[I Will Wait for You](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Will_Wait_for_You)" from *[The Umbrellas of Cherbourg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Umbrellas_of_Cherbourg)* as sung by [Connie Francis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Connie_Francis), which writer Eric Kaplan's grandparents sang and played on the piano while he was a child. The song "[Everybody's Talkin'](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everybody%27s_Talkin%27)" by [Harry Nilsson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Nilsson) also featured in this episode.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Futurama](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Futurama) ^| [^Bender ^\(Futurama)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bender_\(Futurama\)) ^| [^The ^Why ^of ^Fry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Why_of_Fry) ^| [^Futurama ^\(season ^4)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Futurama_\(season_4\))
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+cixssgm) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+cixssgm)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
Colorado12344: Sorry for the wall of text. But thanks for the references!!
| 6 | 6 | |
1405402772 | 1405436478 | t3_2aqn1u | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my female friend a badass gangbanging bitch.
WARNING: NO NSFW GROSSNESS.
Howdy. My f*ck up was less than a week ago, but honestly how many TIFUs here are posted the day of the FU?
Do any of you have that one or two female friend among your regular group of guys, who believes herself to be one of 'the guys' and is almost like it? I'm sure you do, or have at least seen it. Anyways, one of these female friends dropped out halfway through our junior (11th) year in high school. We were sad, but she assured us that she would still manage to eat lunch with us during school since she was just gonna be homeschooled for the time being.
Never happened. But nobody blamed her. Let's call her Green for reference.
Anyways, we still keep in contact through texting and stuff, but Green's also one of those people who respond and drop off sporadically, so there really hasn't been much of a conversation. So when I'm eating a dinner, bought by one of my best friends for my cake day, and she texts back, we think, "damn the end must be near, she responded."
So after some small talk, I say, "it's going to be nice to see you this Saturday, after the numerous luncheons you shared with us." (the one other female friend, who'll be named Yellow, who happened to be Green's bestie, was having a bday party this Saturday and we'd all be there. This will be important soon.)
Blah blah, more small talk, I playfully say, "I still mock you."
Green, "I have a feeling the look on my is exactly zero fucks."
pay attention. THIS is where the FU begins.
Before I give my retort, let me say, this is one of those female friends who you can say ANY number of things to, cum dumpster, freeway, runway, toll booth, and she'll just laugh. So naturally, some wires got crossed when I said this.
But dammit it was magnificent.
I quickly shoot back, "Oh shit guys, she curses, she's a badass gangbanging bitch now." I show my friend, and we laugh our asses off. (no, I wasn't doing this to show off.)
No response for a while.
then my friend takes the phone and says, "Answer, pussy."
Green, "Hey well don't bother texting me anymore because you're definitely deleted now."
ASS!
I showed my friend, and he graciously tried to talk to her and fix the situation since he was good friends with Green. No response at all. Me possibly losing the friendship of someone I had known for years over a dumb and hilarious text? Bitch, it ain't over yet.
Couple days later, hour before the oh-so-awaited bday party, I went with the same friend to wal-mart so he could buy a bunch of random shit as his gift for Yellow. As I enter his car, he says,
"Oh yeah, I finally talked to Yellow and Green. Yeah Green is really pissed and hurt."
"Oh...."
"And Yellow is really pissed off too."
".... shit."
"I might have to be your bodyguard."
So... I was heading to a birthday party, where I quickly ceremoniously pissed off and hurt one of my better friends, while pissing off another friend (who I was already on a rickety boat with) who had just happened to be the birthday girl, WHO HAD JUST HAPPENED to be the hurt girl's BESTIE, both of whom probably didn't want to see my sorry face. Yeah, it's bullshit drama, and I wouldn't care, but I nearly ruined a couple of friendships.
Luckily, I kinda worked things out afterwards and explained myself, but damn, that was a really awkward party.
I also learned that you can call a girl anything, but the moment you say BITCH, all bets are off. I speak the words Green and Yellow told me.
TL;DR, called a good female friend a badass, gangbanging bitch, nearly lost her friendship and another's, all while going to a party where I'd be forced to see those two.
Think really hard before you send that hilarious joke insult. Like, REALLY hard. Anyways, sorry for the walls of text, but I needed to write this out.
atsmit: So much for 'zero fucks' - that hypocrite, gangbanging bitch!
But seriously, can't believe I actually read all of that.
AvatarOfMadness: yeah it was waaaay too long, but i felt it was worth the post
Bradhan: You were incorrect. You owe me fourteen seconds of my life back. Also proof-reading is your friend.
AvatarOfMadness: I dunno proofreading stabbed me and stole my bike for whore money
Bradhan: All things any real friend wouldn't hesitate to do.
AvatarOfMadness: All things every friend has done to me.
It's kind of like a initiation thing, at least that is what they told me as I was bleeding onto the pavement.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1405406007 | 1405558687 | t3_2aqqps | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU granting a can of coke the spark of life
So it's 2 am, room's a mess, mindlessly scrolling through youtube videos, dead glass-eyed thousand-yard stare, dehydrated and sedentary. The usual Saturday night. When all of a sudden my cracked lips cry out in pain, my deprived throat reaching a critical point of dry agony. "WATER!" it pleads. Aha! I know what I must do; I must make haste to the kitchen, where the springs of tap water are plentiful and fresh and cool! But woe! That requires moving! Realizing the impossibility of my situation, I resign myself to a fate of death, when a miraculous sight blesses me from the corner of my cluttered desk. A can of Coke! Huzzah!!! But wait... I've seen this before... the can is a cruel joke, and empty lie. I will go to pick it up, and it will mock me with it's emptiness; it's sugary contents long spend many a winter ago. Against my suspicious nature, I grasp the can, and by god! Nearly a quarter of it is still filled with that delicious nutritious nectar of the gods! Eagerly I bring the vessel to my parched lips, awaiting the sticky warm manna from heaven, when what does drain from the can into my expectant mouth? A MIRACLE OF NATURE!!! I am a chemist! Nay, I am a god! Walter White could not have dreamed of the masterful concoction I had spent weeks cultivating with precision and care inside that fateful can! That vivacious layer, that ECOSYSTEM, of semi-liquid mold that greeted my mouth!!! "What a discovery I had made," I think as the fuzzy globules of teeming life slide down my throat, forever lost. Tragic. What a loss to the scientific community. To the world. Did I create a new species? Possibly. Did I squander a change at a Nobel prize? certainly. Did I discover the divine spark of all life and creation within the mold in my month old coke sludge? It is distinctly plausible.
Xezlec: You sure it's mold? I'd expect an open can of coke would accumulate drowned flies more than anything else.
You might get sick in about an incubation period or so.
[deleted]: *retches in mouth a little*
| 3 | 6 | |
1405406732 | 1405438728 | t3_2aqrgj | t5_2to41 | 13 | bellagioia: TIFU by using a customer at work as a way to keep myself from falling.
(3rd time posting, ever, all of which have been here, on /r/tifu. Still safe to say I'm an idiot.)
I still clench my butt cheeks thinking about this. It happened a few days ago. Friday night, busy, and crowded. I'm bussing that night, covering some girl's shift. Bussers at my restaurant are practically servers, except we don't take orders. ( we do all the fucking dirty work and deal with bullshit and get less money. ) anyway, I'm clearing plates off of a table, I mean, at least 8 or 9 heavy ass dinner plates, proceed to the next table
To clear some more, when I start to lose my footing on spilled beer (I hadn't noticed), and slide my ass into the splits.(I can't do the splits.) About halfway through, I drop all the plates, and violently grab a
Patrons shoulder, clinging for dear life before my inner thighs rip open, crying out in pain. I quickly get up, mumble something alone the lines of 'fuckohmygodimsosorryletmegetoutofyourway', run/limp to the walk-in freezer, contemplate suicide, and open the door to find coworkers laughing in my face (not unusual.) I refused to go back into that section after cleaning up. I later had to walk over with my manager and thoroughly apologize while this guy and the rest of his family just stare at me like I just shat on their table.
Still haven't forgiven myself.
sammiechick17: Wow. I wish you all the best in all that you do. Your coworkers just upset me and I am sorry that you go through this.
bellagioia: Thanks! It's not a big deal, they're like family, but thank you!
tempCiticen2011: It's pretty funny xD
Though... to the customers:
http://www.backgroundbandit.com/wallpapers/18/832.jpg
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1405407687 | 1405456062 | t3_2aqsgf | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU - Made edible pot brownies - dog goes into labor a week early.
So some life lessons have been learned today. Here's what happened. Wall of text ahead.
I am vacationing in Florida, staying with one of my best friends and his wife, will address as BF from here. I arrived on Friday at BF house. BF has 3 dogs, one being a female pomeranian that is preggers, and is not supposed to have her puppies for another week or so. Plan with BF and his wife, is to drive to Orlando and go to the theme parks on Monday (earlier today) and Tuesday, drive back Wednesday. So on Sunday night, I ask BF to make a batch of brownies, which are made with a half z of excellent herb (makes 2 boxes). So BF agrees, and sets off to prepare making the "butter". BF gets done making the butter around 11pm, and we make the first batch of brownies at that time. Success about 45 mins later, we now have brownies to eat at theme parks, Score!
We pack up, and set out on our adventure to Orlando Monday morning at 8:30 am. Fuck yea! We arrive into Orlando around 10:30am, and finally checked into our room around 11:00ish. We get ready, and we are out of the hotel around Noon, heading to our first theme park for the day. We made it to the bottom floor, though BF is now on the phone with a friends daughter (she is checking in on the dogs while we are gone), and something is going on with the dogs. Pregnant pomeranian is in labor, and friends daughter is asking what to do (build box, watch but try not to interfere, nature will take over). We consider packing up, and canceling the trip. BF says no, we are staying and will have his mother go check on the birthing. BF gets on the phone with his mother. BFs mother will be referred to as M.
M is in full on crisis mode, holy fucking shit, a dog is having puppies. M is demanding that the dog in labor must be at a vet in order to have puppies, cause fuck nature. BF and M argue, BF places foot down and says a vet is only needed in an emergecy, and animals give birth all the time. M cannot believe this, nature is an idiot and man is ruler. BF holds firm with M, M finally gives in and agrees to listen to BF.
We all go to the theme park, BF, me and BF wife. Great times are being had. Picture texts are being sent to BF of nature being awesome, and adorable puppies are being born. All is well, the world is at peace.
After about 3 hours of peace, all hell has broken loose. BF, BF wife and myself are on a ride, but BF and BFs wifes cell phones are melting due to constant, back to back incoming calls. Exit ride and BF is now calling M back.
BF and M are talking, and BF is frantic. BF is telling M that the food in the heart shaped container is chicken dip. BF is running down a list of what is in the food containers in the fridge, then BF stops talking, about 10 seconds of silence. BF then says, "did you eat a brownie M"? This is then followed by BF saying "You ate 3 fucking brownies M"?! Which is then followed by BF being concerned, but laughing.
We had forgotten, we left 6 brownies from our batch, which made 18. On the stove top, in the baking pan, as BFs roommate wanted some. We never thought that BFs mother would have any reason to be at his house without BF being there. BFs mom is in her 70s btw.
BFs mom did just fine, she went home and "chilled". She will never trust another food item that is left out which she did not person make. BF may have converted his mother into an edible loving person, will know more when we wake up.
TL;DR - Best friend made pot brownies, his 70+ year old mom ate 3 without knowing they had a special ingredient.
Tired - Had to write this before falling asleep. If anyone cares, I'll update more tomorrow.
nickf579: I find it hard to believe she didn't know they were weed brownies. In all the ones I've had you can taste it in there.
steezyvape: But if you don't smoke or haven't had them before, you might not realize quite what it is, just that they taste... Natural.
nickf579: Yeah maybe she didn't know what it was. If I were to eat a brownie and it tasted weird and I didn't know what it was I wouldn't go eat 3 more. Personally I don't like the taste of pot brownies at all. Oh well, at least she enjoyed them, I think.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1405406091 | 1405458634 | t3_2aqqsx | t5_2to41 | 14 | stache-equilibrium: TIFU by vandalizing my elementary school yearbook
TIFU. Okay, so I didn't fuck up today, or even this year, but one of my all-time biggest fuck-ups has haunted me since childhood.
In fifth grade, I carpooled to school every day with my nextdoor neighbor--a total little bitch of a 9-year-old who frequently made fun of me and others at school who were not a part of her popular cliche. Toward the end of the school year, my grandma had sent me a kick-ass Star Wars backpack, and I was super excited to show it off until my neighbor laughed out loud upon seeing it, telling me I was "too much like a boy" and was a "loser" for liking "boy things".
As a grown-ass woman, I now realize liking Star Wars and femininity aren't mutually exclusive at all (and also, fuck her), but at the time I was deeply embarassed and dejectedly carried my backpack in front of me, with its Luke Skywalker-emblazoned front to my stomach.
Now it just so happened that that same day, we got our yearbooks. In a slow minute of class, still reeling from my neighbor being a "meany", I took a big, black Sharpie and drew pimples, horns and stank-lines on my neighbor's yearbook picture. Who cares, right? She wasn't going to see it (we were in different classes), and my parents would think it was hilarious.
Everything was going okay until, on the way back home, my neighbor catches sight of the corner of my yearbook and squeaks, "You got a yearbook? I didn't buy one, let me look at it." Ohgodnowhy. I paled. "Umm...I actually..." I floundered; no good reason came out. "A-actually, I haven't looked at it yet and I want it to be a surprise."
That didn't fly with bitch-neighbors mom, who was, not coincidentally, also a bitch. At the red light, her head whipped around and she grabbed the book off my lap in a flash. "You need to share!"
I'm pretty sure my heart beat out of my chest as she casually flipped pages, closer and closer to my monstrosity until suddenly a pause, and then, "MOOOOOOOOOOM!" Needless to say, her mom flipped out and called my mom, demanding an apology and at the same time cutting off our carpool arrangement, forcing me to round out the year taking the bus home. Her mom also called the school, and I had to sit in the principal's office opposite my neighbor and "talk out" my actions. It may not seem that awful, but as a rule-following, never-in-trouble little kid, it was downright traumatizing, and I'll always remember it as one of my earliest and most stressful fuck-ups.
Cobsters: The hell? You told her to shut up twice and mind her own business and she looked at YOUR yearbook! That's HER fault!
And what kind of witch-bitch of a woman would call your mom and complain about it, anyways? My mom would have found it hilarious. XD
SpeckleDorf9000: My mom would make me say sorry then laugh about it. Literally all i would of had to do would say "I'm Sorry. :-(" then we would have laughed
anothertimearound: Your mom sounds cool :-)
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1405387902 | 1405436643 | t3_2aq146 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my sister hide my box of cigarettes.
First of all, I would like to let y'all know that my mother doesn't like me smoking, and she and my sister (who's 14 and used to smoke) have issues with each other. Also, my mother would assume she's hiding something from her and ransacks her bedroom a lot.
Alright, so last week, I got myself a box of cigarettes. I smoked like three of four of them, and then I decided to throw them out, but my sister insisted she would hide them. I do know she hid them in her bedroom, but I don't know exactly where.
Then, a couple days later, I'm at my grandmother's house browsing Reddit on the computer (we don't have one at my mother's house), when I get a text from my mother saying she found my cigarettes and that I was in big trouble. Apparently, my little brother told me that she was going through her stuff in her bedroom (I mentioned above that she always does this) looking for something she stole from her, when she found them, and my sister told her they were mine and that I had her hide them.
But luckily, when she picked me up, we didn't mention anything about it. Not sure if she got rid of them or if she left them in their hiding spot.
wave100: 14? Used to smoke? ಠ_ಠ
[deleted]: That's what it says.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405409081 | 1405412493 | t3_2aqtrr | t5_2to41 | 13 | throwaway23213455: TIFU By not bringing a condom
TIFU. I met up with this girl from an app and she was new to town so i decided to show her around were just driving around and its time for me to go home and i chill out for a bit.
Then she txts me again saying lets hang out again so i decided sure why not were driving around go for a walk around a park and she wanted to lie down and chill for a bit so me being confident decide to kiss her next thing i know my hand is down her pants and shes liking it but soon people start coming near so i stop and say lets go somewhere else we choose a dead parking lot so we hop in the back of the car and go back to what we started and soon all of her clothes are off i reached into my pocket to find the condom i thought i had but nope it was not there so im like fuck my lifeeeeee my chance to get laid for the first time ruined by me being an idiot.
nichbeau92: Dear throwaway,
You didn't do the wrong thing. You did the right thing. Proud of you.
Love,
Grandpa
throwaway23213455: Thanks old man i really needed that
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405409888 | 1405441792 | t3_2aquho | t5_2to41 | 31 | ididntregretit: TIFU by having sex during my tonsillectomy recovery period.
After a tonsillectomy, you are not supposed to do any sort of exercise because there is the chance of reopening a wound, ripping a scab, or who knows what else. But, as a 17 year old boy, having sex wasn't something I was trying to avoid. I actually had sex a couple times before during this period, while my parents were home, so we had to be quiet and not to obvious you know, so nothing to strenuous. But then she came over when my parents were gone. It didn't occur to me to be careful, hell I had done it before with no problem and it was like my 7th day in. So we had pretty wild sex for about 45 minutes and I then I started to cum, probably flexing every muscle in my body too hard or something. Thats when I started to feel something in my neck. It didn't hurt that bad, but I felt something in a couple parts of my neck. I started to "salivate a lot" and I just kind of held out my hand a drooled into it. All blood. I immediately backed up and walked to the bathroom. I started to just pour out blood into the sink, it must have been like 3 cups. The doctor says if this happens you are supposed to gargle cold water so I told her to go get me some. By the time she got back up, I had already fainted from looking at all the blood or something. When I woke up, she was bawling and told me my parents were coming and that she was sorry and she didnt know what else to do. By the time they got home, the bleeding had stopped but my heart was racing and I was still in shock or whatever. But not only was it just my parents, it was my grandparents as well because they were all out to dinner. I cant express what I felt. My parents brought the doctor to me, because you aren't allowed in cars during the recovery period, and I'm fine, I just reopened scabs so I have to be home for an extra 10 days now. I still haven't talked to them about what happened, but them and my grandparents know.
TL;DR: I had sex during my tonsillectomy recovery period while my parents weren't home, ripped scabs in my neck, puked out tons of blood into the sink, fainted, had to have my parents and grandparents come deal with it, and now have to be home for another 10 days.
joevector: You aren't allowed in cars...? Please explain that one.
ididntregretit: Well the idea is that in a car there are lots of vibrations and that alone could mess something up, but also just the chance of sharp turns, bumps in the roads, etc.
pesh527: Then how do you get home from the procedure? I'm sure they just wasn't you to limit bumpy roads and driving like a maniac.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1405412709 | 1405417182 | t3_2aqwtz | t5_2to41 | 18 | PoteauCedar: TIFU and am losing the best man alive
CherrySlurpee: You should probably stop looking and getting pictures from other men.
PoteauCedar: Yes I know that. And I want and will stop. I should have known it was gonna hurt him, but something made me do this. I hate myself more then he does for putting him through this.
I_SHIT_A_BRICK: > but something made me do this.
No. You let it happen. If you want to repair anything, you need to realize, accept, and admit that it was you.
I've been in the boat that he is in. I've worked through it with her. Admission helped.
Things you need to be prepared for.
Minimal trust. Hard to earn, easy to destroy.
Putting the wedding, if he is even interested in it anymore, off for a length of time that needs to be decided by you **IN TIME, NOT RIGHT NOW** because of the events that just happened.
You need to, if he asks, be **COMPLETELY** honest. There are times with my SO that I have my doubts still because I get "I don't remember" to specific events. Don't hide anything if you want any shot at working. Seriously.
Give him space if he wants it. Let him decide. Sometimes pushing and being overly loving drives people (me at the very least) away because we feel like it's a half-assed attempt to make the distrust end faster.
PoteauCedar: To add to that, I'll give him space, I'll be 100% committed to earning his trust. I know it's up to him in the end
I_SHIT_A_BRICK: A large part of it is up to him, but not all. It's up to you to be capable of being trusted and put forward the effort to show it. Time will tell
Just noticed your comment below. If he would like to, have him shoot me a message. I've got a few 12-hour work days ahead so my replies might be delayed, but I can relate to how he's feeling. I might be of some relief or advice.
PoteauCedar: I agree. I understand what I did was wrong. Now that I know how big of a problem it is, I'm gonna look for help. But first and fore-most I admit and accept that I did this to myself.
I_SHIT_A_BRICK: You don't have to tell that to me. Make sure he knows it and that you want and can change those habits in such a way that he can move forward with you.
PoteauCedar: As good as that is, the biggest problem is that in a week and a half, he leaves for Texas and I need to stay in Canada. His mom and brother flew up here for the wedding...
I_SHIT_A_BRICK: Prepare for some lost investments and damage control. Lying about what happened to family will only make it worse.
PoteauCedar: Ya, if I can, I want to own up and tell the family what I did. Only he if wants me to.
| 11 | 1.636364 | |
1405417898 | 1405528110 | t3_2ar0z2 | t5_2to41 | 33 | thisisanameplace: TIFU by leaving a used tampon in the shower and having to explain their usage to an 11 year old. Possible (NSFW)
This incident happened a few months ago but Is still fresh in my mind (and my brother's). I volenteer at a senior's home on monday nights while my 11 (now 12) year old brother is at his martial arts studio. I get home about ten muintes before he and my mom do, so I have to shower fairly quickly. It just so happened that I had gotten my period a day or two before and it was rather heavy. I hadn't changed my tampon in a while and had forgotten that it was there. I remembered about halfway through my shower and figured that I may as well take it out there so that I could keep clean and because I was a lazy arse and couldn't just wait or step out and dry myself off. In retrospect, I think that the chemicals from the perm-solution that the senior's home uses got to my brain because what happened next was just plain stupid. I didn't throw out the used tampon, I left it on the side of the bathtub. This is the only time I've ever done it and I figured that I'd throw it out once I was finished showering so that I could wrap it up to avoid grossing anyone out. I continued on with my shower. Big mistake. I forgot about it, finished the shower and continued on with life. A few muinets later, I'm standing in the kitchen with my dad watching TV in the living room when my little brother calls out, "thisisanameplace?" And then I remembered. As I'm bolting up the stairs to stop him from shouting out that I left a tampon in the shower, he says, "I think you forgot something". Indeed I did. I run into the bathroom and he's standing in a towel blankly staring at the tampon. I repeatedly apologize for leaving a tampon in the shower and he whips his head around, "That's a tampon?!" Turns out he had heard about tampons but didn't really know how they worked, so, I had to explain how to use it so that he wouldn't tell my parents what happened. On the upside, his reaction was priceless. My parents still don't know.
aaronkb13: He should have known what they are by that age...
CBKake: You give us guys too much credit. Women don't go around telling kids what tampons are and how their vaginas bleed every month. We have to find that out for ourselves. I only found out what a tampon was and how girls used them when i was around 17. I thought you girls used pads and sticking a cotton thing up ur vagina kinda weirded me out when i found out
thisisanameplace: My brother thought that both pads and tampons went inside the vagina.
kelderboiler: ow ow ow ow
oh god
can you imagine the dryness
Shockling: no...
kelderboiler: Okay
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1405417172 | 1405489340 | t3_2ar0f8 | t5_2to41 | 619 | Quantization: TIFU by clicking video camera instead of mute and jacking off on Skype while my friend watched
It's really fucking awkward. I don't really know why she kept watching.
Anyways, she just said be back in 30 minutes and I figured I'd have a quick one while I waited because it had been about 48 hours since my last. So I went to click the mute button and without noticing clicked the "show video" button instead. [They are right next to each other](http://i.imgur.com/idfLdWE.png). So not only was I *not* muted, I was on fucking webcam.
So I open up my go-to site and start jacking off. 25ish minutes later I'm finishing up and figuring I wouldn't even need to worry about hearing her come back I open up Skype and see the webcam is active and that I am not in fact muted. To say that I felt my stomach drop when I saw that is an understatement. Holy. Fuck.
"She isn't back yet." I panic, "She isn't."
I quickly turn off the webcam and mute my mic really quickly. I sit in my chair for a few minutes then unmute and say, "Hey are you back yet?" and she says, "Yeah. I've been back for a little while." I must have missed her coming back because of how loud the porn was.
I basically just said, "Hey I'm gonna hop off for a bit, I'll talk to you later." and just hung up.
We haven't spoken yet. This was about an hour ago. I don't know what the fuck to do and I don't know why she watched and I don't know how much she saw although the ending would've been the most graphic, especially considering my webcam is situated a meter or so away from me and covers down to about my belly button, maybe a bit further.
Today I really fucked up.
___
edit: Okay I messaged her about it. I said "Hey so yeah how was Skype earlier". Still waiting for a reply.
edit2: She finally messaged me back saying "It was good :)" Now I'm thinking she didn't actually see it... there was a 2-3 minute window... Trying to work towards bringing it up directly.
edit3: Okay. It's getting there but I had to leave and she went to bed. I'll get back onto it tomorrow. I will update here.
edit4: Okay well, we were talking today. After some small talk I say, "So anyways about Skype and that how long were you there for when I got back because I think I accidentally turned my webcam on." She replies with, "Haha... I know." then I say, "Oh well shit. Cats out of the bag." Then she says, "Yep. It's okay though. It was funny. I was going to tell you but I was enjoying myself too much."
edit5: Well shit, whoever said she liked me was right. She said it was "super hot". Now we're chatting about hanging out tomorrow night at mine. Will update on how it goes!
edit6: She is coming over in 20 minutes! I'll update this after she leaves obviously. Not sure if she is staying the night though.
edit7: Okay I'm really sorry for the late edit! She just left. She stayed the night last night and we hung out until about 1-2 o'clock today. I'll cut to the chase, we had some pretty awesome sex (her words as well as mine,) and we have another date for this Sunday (day after tomorrow.) I think it went pretty well honestly, she came over and we just hung out for a while and she acted pretty shy. Then I brought up what happened on Skype and she started getting really flirty. Then we started kissing and you all know what leads to. Then we stayed up until about 2 o'clock just fooling around. I would've liked to update the thread but for obvious reasons I wasn't opening it in front of her. I'll update again after Sunday night but I'm not sure how much else there is. I guess we might be dating after that? Thanks for all the kind words! Guess this isn't even a TIFU anymore haha!
edit8: I'm honestly just fucking amazed that this happened, she is super pretty and we've been friends for so long. Obviously there's been some sexual tension here and there but that's pretty normal among close friends at this age I think. I would've never thought she wanted to have sex with me this much though. :^^)
Drudicta: I expect an end to this story.
Quantization: I'm adding it in edits. Wish me luck. :^)
mufc786: Dafuq is up with that smiley
Quantization: :^^)
mufc786: ^:^)
Quantization: :^^^^^^^^^^^^^^)
mufc786: You win this round.... But I'll be back
| 8 | 77.375 | |
1405419048 | 1405420085 | t3_2ar1u6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | PersonInTheHat: TIFU when i bumped an "occupied" window too hard.
You may be wondering "occupied? What does that mean?" Well, it means that on the other side of this thin was of glass was a wasp nest, complete with wasps. For the past couple of days, I had been observing the nest. I took a couple pictures, though most all of them were blurry because of the grime on the old window. I had slowly watched as bubbles in the nest expanded and hatched new wasps. Pretty cool.
One day I had been walking around my house when I walked into the room the wasps lived next too. Now I should explain here that part of my observation of the wasps included occasionally tapping hard on the window and watching them fly around. It provided a good picture sometimes, too. So I decided to tap the window. I may have tapped a *little* too hard, probably because I had walked into the "tap". The reason I think this is because suddenly my hand was through the window and it bumped the wasp nest off the window pane. Luckily I didn't get cut on the glass, but what followed next was probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I've been in wasp situations before, but this was a whole new level. When I was a kid I accidentally angered some red hornets in a tires wing. Got stung twice. Another time, I accidentally sat on a nest of some other kind I don't remember. I think I got three stings? It was a long time ago. This time, I was swarmed by ~12 wasps. I took my arm out of the hole and noped my way into the other room. Not enough. I ran out the front door and down the road until I collapsed from the stings and exhaustion. My neighbor saw me and was nice enough to take me to the local pharmacy.
Tl;dr:broke window, was attacked by wasps. Got stung a lot.
I hate flying insects.
midnightassassins: U deserved it. U kept fucking with them and karma caught up. Learn a lesson.
PersonInTheHat: Yes, I realize that. It had actually been mentioned by my friend that I shouldn't bump the glass, but alas, I didn't listen.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405423490 | 1405426472 | t3_2ar5kv | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my friend a sex video of his sister [NSFW]
This happened a few years back when I was starting to learn programming and was experimenting with network stuff. So, one of these days I decided it would be cool to write my own client server stuff. Pretty basic, but boring. One thing led to another and in a stroke of genius I think to myself "wait a minute, my client can now send any data from my computer to the server - so what if I install it on another computer?". Long story short, I wrote my first and only trojan to access other peoples hard drives.
The thing is that this program was not very sophisticated, because it was distributed by just installing is manually (which no sane person would do, *right*?). Since this is *slightly* criminal and I did not want to get caught I gave it to a good friend of mine who distributed it to his friends (he said it was a patch for CoD or something like that). As "payment" he wanted to see everything my little program sucked off of their hard drives.
And oh boy, this thing was a fucking gold mine. Pretty soon I was looking at some amateur video of this guy fingering a girl - puberty me could not have been happier. I immediately started TeamSpeak and proudly announced the great catch to my partner in crime who wanted to have a look at said video. Our dialog went something like this:
* Me: "Some, this is from John Doe, pretty rad, huh? Shame the face of the girl is not visible."
* He: "Oh this is awesome, he will be fucking mad if I ... wait a minute!"
* Me: "What is it?"
* He: "Nothing, it's just - that girl... I think I know that sweater she wears."
(The sweater was pretty distinct looking, hand made and pretty colorful)
* Me: "So, your friend probably brought her along some time?"
* He: "Holy Shit. No. No! **NOOO! It's my sister!** Holy shit that fucking asshole is banging my sister, I am going to kill him!"
(Dead silence for like a minute)
* Me: "Sooo, your sister, huh?"
* He: "You are going to delete that from your hard drive and we are never going to speak of this again."
* Server: "Player left."
He did not actually kill him, but I think he roughed him up pretty good for banging his underage sister.
And yes, I whacked the meat a few time to the video before actually deleting it.
TL;DR: Wrote a trojan, showed my friend how some guy bangs his underage sister.
onaretrotip: So... you just admitted to wanking over an underage girl. Interesting.
[deleted]: He admitted to installing a trojan on a non-consenting party's hard drive and then distributing (he showed it to his friend) under age porn. [Go ahead and take a seat OP](http://mybroadband.co.za/news/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Chris-Hansen-Child-Porn-Catch-a-Predator-meme.jpg)
Downbound92: Well, it's a bold strategy.
| 4 | 7 | |
1405422378 | 1405477412 | t3_2ar4n1 | t5_2to41 | 260 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my senior management choke/gag on the smell of my anus...
So I'm currently sat at my desk whilst there is a meeting going on downstairs... A meeting I should be in... A meeting I WAS in, until about 20 minutes ago.
... Because I accidentally relaxed my sphincter and unleashed a hellish odour upon the world that is probably eating it's way through the o-zone layer as we speak.
First of all, I'd just like to say that I am unwell, I've had a pretty nasty stomach bug for little over a day, and it's been causing me to produce some particularly unsavoury smells. Smells that burn the nostrils... and definitely not in a good way.
So I've been working for about 18 months now as a trainee, and today was by biggest day at work to date, because I was finally going to be sitting in a meeting with 3 of my company's directors and several other people including my manager to talk about my progress as a trainee.
Now I'd explained to my manager that I was unwell, but I downplayed it a fair bit because I didn't want to get sent home. Anyway about 15 minutes into the meeting I started sweating pretty bad, and I had terrible stomach cramps. The kind of cramps where the only way to relieve yourself would be to sit over a industrial barrel labeled for toxic waste.
To cut an already long story short. I made the fatal error of deciding to relax my ass cheeks to try and relieve some of the cramp. I don't even want to try and describe the sound that followed, but needless to say everyone was very aware of what had just happened. Everyone was staring at me, I was sweating buckets and nervously rocking side to side to check I hadn't followed through (There was a little moisture, but luckily no anal seepage).
The worst part came a few seconds after my rectal explosion, where my manager (who was sat next to me) actually choked/gagged upon smelling the horror that I had just given birth to. I managed to excuse myself, spent 15 minutes nearly dying in the toilets (I had to use two seperate cubicles because I almost blocked the first one). Upon returning to the meeting I was politely asked to sit the remainder out, as I was clearly unwell and should head off home to prevent further tragedy.
The first official serious meeting I had ever been in with several of the senior management, and I was mere seconds away from shitting my pants in front of them all.
**TL;DR** First ever meeting with senior management. Wanted to make a good impression. Nearly shit myself. Was asked to leave due to the smell of my anal cavity causing people to choke/gag.
**EDIT 1** : I went home early (as 'politely' requested by my manager) I've already received an e-mail from one of my colleagues with no subject, just a link to Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire.
**EDIT 2** : Got into work this morning to find a whoopie cushion on my chair. What a fun start to the day ! Although I would like to congratulate whomever put it their on being able to source a whoopie cushion on such short notice.
Suff0c8r: Nothing worse than making an ass of yourself like that. You must have been pretty bummed bro
Nixolas: I guess he had that shit coming...
Suff0c8r: personally, I'd be crapping myself after a FU that bad
Admiral_Sexy: I would be crapping myself, but I don't think I have any crap left to give. I'm pretty sure I left one of those toilet bowls steaming.
Suff0c8r: so you weren't exactly...bowled over? Were you at least a bit flushed?
Admiral_Sexy: Not as flushed as the first toilet I used. Had to do like 4 flushes and use the inner tube of the toilet roll to help push things along.
I really don't why I'm admitting this to be honest, because when I was holding the toilet roll tube and looking down at the mess I'd made, it was a real low point of my life.
Suff0c8r: It can only improve :P A+ for effort in impressing the bosses though...
EDIT:Also A+ in preventing a pun run :( I was hoping the puns would flow like your bowel contents
mayeslad: Let me ANALyze this situation...
Username__Irrelevant: I think we can all see it's pretty shitty.
SilverManGold: Definitely a real stinker.
Ron_Mexico_99: Hopefully he can still get his TPS report in
| 12 | 21.666667 | |
1405425101 | 1405445113 | t3_2ar72m | t5_2to41 | 6 | onaretrotip: TIFU by getting in a taxi...
raspymorten: ....Wait what?
lordzod: OP shared a cab with Captain Obvious
raspymorten: Oh...Okay then
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405426415 | 1405429034 | t3_2ar8fr | t5_2to41 | 11 | handcuffguy: TIFU by bringing handcuffs and a sensual massage oil in my hand luggage at the airport
This actually happened a 3-4 years ago but recently discovering this subreddit made me want to share this. While I was attending college abroad I had my girlfriend back in my home country ,which I had not seen for a couple of months, and beeing young and horny I decided to buy us a gift so I went to a sex shop and bought 1 bottle of "sensual massage oil" and a pair o black fur handcuffs.
It was time to head home and being the lazy young adult I was I started packing up my stuff about 4 hours before my flight.Nothing wrong until there I double check everything is where it's supposed to be (I've never been so wrong) and take my suitcase and my handbag with me and I am off to the airport.
I arrive at the airport in time, drop off my suitcase and go for the typical security check, I put my stuff in the scanner and walk pass the body inspection thing (no idea how it is called) and then I hear a woman's voice "Sir is this yours?" while holding my handbag.
This is where the nightmare started I reluctantly node yes and aproached then she turned to another security guard and said "hey dude (I don't recall the guys name let's call him dude) come check this out" I still had no clue what all this was about and was just waiting puzzled. So the dude comes over takes a look inside my handbag and proceedes to take out my black fur handcuffs in the middle of the freakin security check. Then it hit me like a shovel to the face: **I had put the bag from the sex shop inside my handbag**
I was packing so fast that it never occurred to me that I had handcuffs inside my bag that I was going to take inside an airplane. I look mortified but it didn't stop there, dude reached in and took out a little black plastic bag (that came from the sex shop which made me look ,or least feel even worse) containing a little bottle labeled "kama sutra massage oil" that was the nail in the coffin of my dignity.
The security lady (she was a middle aged kinda overweight woman) gave me the look of complete disaproval making me feel like I was some kind of a depraved sex predator and dude looked me full of empathy and in a condescending voice said "bad time to go kinky pal".
After that they confiscated my handcuffs and let me go to my flight hence end my airport shaming there.
I felt so embarrassed after that I never told a soul about this until today, on the bright side though the massage oil was less than 100ml so they let me keep it. Thankfully it was a surprise so girlfriend never knew about the cuffs and I just turned up with the massage oil as a gift, everytime we used that oil my mind would go back to that airport and the most embarrassing moment of my life.
ps.Sorry for the potential bad formatting and grammar this is my first reddit post and I'm not a native English speaker.
HiddenPools: Handcuffs are actually allowed on planes. In fact, so are almost all sex toys.
Voyager5555: I'm not as sure about handcuffs (last time I tried was pre-9/11) but yes, pretty much anything else beyond over an OZ of liquid is fine.
HiddenPools: It's on any one of the "strange items you CAN bring on a plane" lists. Pair of scissors? Nope. 3 foot dildo and riding crop? Yup.
Voyager5555: Not really if you think about it, it's going to take a lot longer to beat someone to death with a dildo than it is to stab them.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1405428246 | 1405461782 | t3_2arakn | t5_2to41 | 198 | super_dude_444: Tifu by reading tifu
This happened less then 10 minutes ago so of course the first thing I do is come and post it on reddit.
I felt the urge to go and relieve my bowels and so proceeded with my normal routine of browsing reddit whilst sitting on the toilet. I decided that today I would wander into r/tifu to hopefully pass the time with a few good laughs.
I was sitting there happily enjoying both my good reading material and my glorious shit, when one particular post made me laugh too much and suddenly my phone slipped right out of my hands and into the toilet bowl. I immediately reached in to retrieve it, disregarding the large shit that was also in there at the time, and quickly dried the phone off and stuck it in some rice. It is currently stuck in a non stop restart loop and things aren't looking too good.
tl;dr I was quite unfortunate whilst laughing at the misfortune of others. Karma is a bitch.
Swarlsonegger: you shouldn't have restarted it right away.
super_dude_444: I didn't try and restart it, I just tried to turn it off. That didn't work and it's been stuck in a loop since.
Swarlsonegger: the chances of your phone shortcircuiting from regular tapwater is fairly low actually.
shahofblah: What about shit-enriched water?
chandleross: possibly drenched in pee
| 6 | 33 | |
1405429308 | 1405463787 | t3_2arbu8 | t5_2to41 | 279 | ApeAndEssence: TIFU by looking over the stall at work
It was like any other day at work, except everyone was getting introduced to a new employee (let's call him Karl). The day went by and I started getting restless and bored as I usually do around lunchtime. At this point in the day I tend to take a break and go waste time in the bathroom, usually browsing on my phone. If it's empty then I play BasketBowl....
**How to play BasketBowl:**
* Grab a few sheets of paper towels as you walk in
* Roll sheets into a ball, and get it wet at the sink so it has some weight
* Go into a stall and try to bank it off a wall and into the toilet bowl of the neighbouring stall
* Climb up to see if you got it in
Today was no different. I went in, and the bathroom seemed empty. I proceeded to get the paper towel ball ready. I walked past an ~~empty~~ stall and went into the stall next to it. I got my shot ready and fired; didn't hear a splash. I climbed up to look over at the toilet bowl when to my surprise Karl was sitting there looking up at me. My heart sank faster than it had ever sank before. I yelled "Sorry!" and jumped down as quickly as I could. I panicked. Thinking it would neutralize the situation I dropped my pants and dropped a deuce in the stall next to him instead of running out. The whole time I thought whether I should explain myself, or whether the explanation would make it even worse. I finished up and walked back to my desk. I couldn't think straight and for the rest of the day I avoided contact with Karl entirely.
In his perspective someone walked into the bathroom, occupied the stall next to his, threw a dripping wet toilet paper (covered in who knows what), and proceeded to peep on him. If that wasn't bad enough, that someone sat down and took a shit right next to him like nothing happened... on his first day at work.
In some ways I'm glad it was him. If it was a manager, or anyone else I had actually ever interacted with it would be infinitely worse. I just have to avoid him for the rest of my employment here, if he decides to stick around. I just really want to know if it went in or not.
LatkaXtreme: Ah, BasketBowl. So that's what it's called.
We played a similar game in highschool with my pal - let's call him Jim.
It was called: "Jim, far right?"
Only this game was played in a restroom with three stalls, and a really dirty toilet brush. I always used the stall on the far left, while my pal, Jim used either the middle or the far right one. I knew we both used the toilet to pee, so we were standing.
So let the games begin. "Hey, Jim? Are you on the far right?"
"Yea, why?"
*Splosh!*
"Shit! You sonofaB!"
This was always just a fun prank, since other than a good scare nothing *serious* happened.
Then this one time came. We went to use the bathroom as usual. Let's brighten up the mood with another episode of "Jim, far right?".
"Jim, far right?"
"Yup, why?"
Naive me proceeds to throw toilet brush.
"Hah! Just kidding! I'm in the middle this time!"
But it was too late, as I let the brush onward on his airborne journey, waiting for the inevitable. The next thing that happened was a grunt like scream of a three story high orc of some kind, going
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Needless to say, we ran out faster than I could say "sorry". To this day I never forget the shame.
I'm holding in a good nostalgic laugh by the way.
Foreigncarwhipper: Thats the funniest thing i ever read
ToWaspOrNotToWasp: You need to read more.
Foreigncarwhipper: YeaH!
| 5 | 55.8 | |
1405429192 | 1405436327 | t3_2arbox | t5_2to41 | 2 | LimesInHell: TIFU by forgetting to uncheck "send replies to my inbox" on an exploding post.
mayeslad: 20 comments and you're complaining?
forte_bass: Right?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405428167 | 1405549819 | t3_2aragb | t5_2to41 | 17 | Gandalfs_Soap: (NSFW/NSFL) TIFU by riding a bicycle commando with pool shorts.
Last night I fucked up. My friend had a pool party and but I didn't want to take my car because i didn't want to wet the seat. So, I took my bike. She doesn't live far from me, 4 miles. After so long I needed to take off so I just got on my bike and rode home.
The ride was OK. I kept switching position on the saddle. I didn't think much about it. This morning on my commute I noticed my balls ache a bit, there was a slight sting. I didn't think much of it, I figured it was a bug bite. I ride into work as well it usually takes 15 minutes this time it took me 20 minutes.
I go to the bathroom, check myself and I am bleeding. I have a huge rash it covers over half my ball sack. I think the pool shorts burned my balls as I was riding.
Tl;Dr: rode home with pool shorts, pool shorts gave me a rash on my balls.
CrtureBlckMacaroons: That's why biking shorts are made of breathable material that keeps you relatively dry, and why you don't wear underwear when you bike. Humidity can be a bitch.
Gandalfs_Soap: I wear boxers, cotton shorts and i haven't had a problem yet. I am a commuter so I am not in kit ~80% of the time.
Agreed, humidity is a bitch. [For example](http://i.imgur.com/PUH6M.jpg).
CrtureBlckMacaroons: Oh my god, that's terrible! Poor dude!
I wore boxers and cotton shorts for a while, but my wife recently got me biking shorts and jersey, and I love them.
Gandalfs_Soap: I used to have some thin pad compression liner shorts that i loved to death. I tried looking for similar ones since I lost the tag. The only ones I find are the [ridiculous padded ones](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LFQ3GQ8/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_CMQXtb1ZV7C74). They look comfy but they get in the way.
What shorts and jersey did your wife get you? What do you ride?
Edit: accidentally submitted
CrtureBlckMacaroons: Well, the one I got may not be top notch quality, but being a huge comic book fan, I love it. It's the [Spider-Man Cycling suit](http://www.amazon.com/Baleaf-Sleeve-Cycling-Jersey-Spider/dp/B00E5A17BC/ref=sr_1_6?s=sporting-goods&ie=UTF8&qid=1405537860&sr=1-6&keywords=Spider+man+cycling) she found on Amazon. It's comfy and friends have given me compliments.
I ride an old Raleigh Technium 460 that my dad handed down to me and I've been fixing up. I'm hoping to save up for a new road bike sometime soon, though this one does a good job of taking me to and from work.
Gandalfs_Soap: #OMG!! I know who i am going as for Halloween. Wow, dude. That is freaking awesome.
CrtureBlckMacaroons: I know, right?! I was worried that serious cyclist would think it was dumb or silly, but I loved it. And if you look on Amazon, they have several other super hero cycling short/jersey sets.
Gandalfs_Soap: But spiderman is the best. I may even wear something peter parker would wear and then rip my clothes somewhere in the night and emerge as spiderman.
| 9 | 1.888889 | |
1405435313 | 1405443515 | t3_2arkj8 | t5_2to41 | 185 | forte_bass: TIFU by giving advice to children...
This actually took place 4th of July weekend, so it's about a week old, but i'm just getting to the point where I'm ok with sharing it.
I was sitting at home on Tuesday (July 8) playing some game on Steam after work when my wife came home. Not wanting to pause, I hollered down the stairs, but she didn't respond. Odd, but she probably just couldn't hear me - we had the fans on, it's hot!
I hear her coming up the steps, faster than normal, but again thought nothing of it, until she came around the corner and I could see tears streaming down her face. She was livid.
"How many times do I have to tell you?" she said. She was so angry she was literally shaking.
"Oh god, what did I do?" I could immediately tell, this was going to be bad.
"How many times, do i have to ask you, to keep your FUCKING mouth shut?!"
"Oh god, what did I do??" My wife almost never swears, and even more rarely at me.
"I can't **FUCKING** believe you..."
**"OH GOD, WHAT DID I DO???"**
Rewind to Saturday, July 5. My wife's family 4th of July party. The whole family is there - probably close to 100 people. We're out on the river, boating and tubing before the fireworks show they do for the area.
*Some context: I'm pretty reddit-standard as far as worldview and mindset goes, and my wife isn't far behind, but most of her family is 'Fox News Republican." They're generally pretty nice folks, but they lean fairly strongly right-of-center. When you actually get them talking, I think under the surface some of them are actually more moderate than that, but no one wants to be the person who comes out and says it. Her family is also ginormous. Her dad is one of nine, and almost all of his sibs have a bunch of kids and grandkids. There's tons of them - i've known the family for close to a decade now, and i'm still not even close to keeping all the names straight.*
It's probably 5 or 6 PM, and I've had a couple beers throughout the day. Not enough to be drunk, or even have a huge buzz, but enough that my 'conversation filter' clicked off. You know what I mean, right? Those times where you say what you're thinking, instead of what you know you're expected to say?
Anyway, one of the younger kids (about 10) comes up to me while i'm waiting for my turn to go on the tube, and out of the clear blue sky, asks me, "Have you ever smoked pot?"
"Uhhhhh........" Now, i know this kid's a troublemaker, but he's pretty smart and I kinda like him. I appreciate a good troublemaker, within reason! He caught me off-guard with the question though, and I definitely fumbled the response. "Uh... I mean... I may have... in the past, that is. Why are you asking me?"
"Well, what's it like?" he says, pressing me for details.
"Well... honestly? It's like a lot of things in life. If you do it once in a while, it's not too bad. If you're doing it all the time, it's gonna mess up your life." Solid advice, I thought to myself. Good job, tell him like it is.
"Oh... okay." He says, then wanders off. This is the last thing I remember of our conversation, and I promptly forgot about it as i went tubing on the river and had an awesome evening. The fireworks were great!
Flash-forward back to Tuesday:
My wife is crying. She's so mad she's shaking, and she's genuinely not one for dramatics.
"My father just called me. He said my uncle (his brother) called him to say that my cousin called my uncle because you told her ten-year-old son that IT'S OK FOR HIM TO LIKE GUYS AND SMOKE DOPE!!! What in the HELL did you say to him?!?"
"Oh God. Ohmygod, Ohmygod I'm so sorry."
**"WHAT DID YOU DO, RAY?!"**
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!"
Apparently, at some point, I also told the kid (at some point) that he should love whoever it is he loves, even if it's a guy. That it's ok to love someone, whatever gender. I don't even remember this conversation, in the slightest. Given the things I DO remember saying, I'm sure it's true - it does, in fact, sound like something I'd say.
I am now the PRIMARY topic of discussion among her family. For telling a ten-year-old kid I barely know that it's 'Ok to smoke dope and love dudes,' as the quote came down the family grapevine.
What I was trying to say to the kid is "Be responsible." In retrospect, it clearly wasn't my place to have that conversation. What I should have said, surrounded by a family full of conservatives, was "Drugs are bad, m'kay? Reefer is the devil."
**TL;DR - I told my in-law's 10-year-old kid its cool to do drugs and blow dudes.**
BONUS: This isn't even my only big TIFU! 6 days later there's another one, on my 30th Birthday! I'll post that later, :)
EDIT: Added tl;dr and some clarity.
glitcher21: TL;DR: TIFU by being a decent human being because my wife's family all have sticks up their asses.
SilverManGold: I dunno, I have smoked almost every day since high school but 10 seems pretty young to be telling them it's OK (even in moderation).
glitcher21: I don't think that OP at any point meant to say that it is okay for a 10 year old to smoke. I think what he meant to say was that it was okay for older people in moderation.
SilverManGold: Yea but most kids aren't going to take it that way. I used to sneak beers and cigarettes at that age but wouldn't think of touching an illegal drug since I was still convinced they were the devil.
glitcher21: OP was seriously caught off guard and was shocked by the things the kid was asking him. I can't expect him to think about the inner workings of a child's mind under that sort of pressure. Especially when it's not his kid.
SilverManGold: I agree. I was just arguing that it might not have been the best approach since your original comment seemed to insinuate that there wasn't anything wrong with it. At least that's how I interpreted it.
forte_bass: That's how he read it, too, and that was the problem. Now, honestly I think he was baiting me anyhow since he's a known troublemaker. As i said somewhere else, what i should have said was "You shouldn't do it because it's illegal," and let the subject drop. I tried to give him a more complex answer and he wasn't old/mature enough to listen.
All he took away was "He didn't say no, which must mean yes!"
SilverManGold: I was thinking that he just asked to make a scene but was holding off my judgement.
| 9 | 20.555556 | |
1405411683 | 1405501057 | t3_2aqvzt | t5_2to41 | 3 | TheBigUnitt: TIFU by getting my first flat tire
To be honest out of the gate, this event did not occur today, but I still remember it as vividly as ever. It really, really sucked.
I had just seen my bitch of a girlfriend (now an ex-) and it was someday in November around 9pm. I had just got my car and license and was driving anywhere I could. My girlfriend called me and told me to come visit her at her friends house (who she hasn't seen in 1-2 years). I get there, and she's drunk as ever, her friend is a sloppy fiend who gave off negative vibes sealed with a constant smile on her face. They laughed and giggled, and laughed and giggled some more. They concluded together in their drunken scheme that because I was sober, I should go get them...gummy bears. I enjoyed getting sex from my girlfriend at the time, so I went with it knowing good behavior led to nice things. I'm driving my car and pulling out of the ATM, I have to make a really sharp right and it was dark enough to where I couldn't see much aside from where my headlights were pointing. I over compensated too much and end up running over a curb at about 20-25 MPH.
This is where shit gets interesting, because I was a complete freshman to driving. I didn't even think jumping the curb at the time would flatten my tire, but it did, and tire slowly sank into my newest location, which happened to be a gas station. Not even fully knowing how to change a tire, but feeling I could just go with it, I begin searching my trunk for my spare, and a jack. Only to now find out that my car doesn't have a jack. Using my head and realizing I'm at a gas station, I go up to the guy and ask if I could borrow his jack to fix up my car.
He said no.
I ask again nicely, giving him details about my life situation like.. hey I have no idea what in the hell I'm doing, I'm new to driving, it's dark, I'm willing to do it all by myself without his help.
He said no, again.
I ask a third time, saying I'll throw him $20, he can watch me use the jack so I'm not screwing anything up, I won't ask for anything else....
He said no.
So I just kind of gave him this, Okay...you're within your right to deny me I suppose, I wouldn't do that myself to someone in need but I will move on. He left me with some lovely parting words:
"Good luck"
I call my girlfriend, but she's wasted and offers zero help whatsoever. She's actually getting mad at me because now she can't get her candy. Her friend is also chipping in, acting like a bunch of words I don't want to write. I get frustrated. I call up a family member, no answer. I call up a friend, no answer.
So now I'm standing by my car and it's getting late and I have no idea what to do. At this moment, it begins to snow. I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, I tend to wear t-shirts until the last possible day in the year before I can't handle it anymore..and I would say this was the turning point hour in which that situation shifted. I didn't even realize it but my hands and my arms were going numb. I decided to do what my nerves initially told me not to, but I fought through it anyway. A white honda had just pulled up and a girl was pumping gas into the car. I walked up to her and asked if I could borrow her jack if she had one, she was happy enough to help and to my surprise a second person jumped out of the car. "You have a flat? I can help you with that" the second girl said, shutting the door to the car.
It was at this moment they both realized something, as confusion and panic ran over their face I realized it soon too. They just locked themselves out of their car. They ran into the gas station embarrassed and began talking to the man who denied me, I saw him reply with the shaking of his head. He must think at this point that this is some sick joke being played on with him all these people needing his help. He's a real asshole. Anyways, he wouldn't help them.
I share all the information of what I've gone through, we all decide to call the police to see if they can do anything. As soon as we're getting ready to make that call, the lights in the gas station go out. We watch as the guy walks out of the gas station, locks the door, gets into a taxi cab and waves to us goodbye. Like WTF?
We call the police, the girls explain - hey, we locked our keys in our car, the gas station is dark, it's snowing, there's no light around, we're with someone we don't know who is attempting to fix his tire, help. They said no.
Skipping some details we all end up huddling in my backseat and using a blanket I had for warmth while we brainstorm ideas. I get a rush of excitement as I remember I had a switchblade in my glove box that can be used to open their window. I jump out of the car without explaining and grab the knife and pop it open, the girls freak out and scream. (I clearly didn't think that through, I had to slow down and explain that I'm handing it over to them to open their windows and unlock the car door and that I'm not trying to harm anyone... awkward.)
Jumping ahead here, we did end up getting their window down, grabbing the keys out of the ignition, opening the trunk, getting the jack, putting my spare on and solving all of our problems.
The girls were pretty cute, but I did have a girlfriend so nothing was attempted here .. BUT. I did end up getting one of the girls numbers. Her name was Stephanie and she said we could party off the stress one night at a college party. We all hugged and laughed about how crazy the whole experience was. I was extremely high on life at the end of all this, feeling like I had just climbed a mountain. I sort of exaggerated the girl part of the story to my buddy in a text message later that night. He laughed pretty hard so I thought I'd copy and paste it to my other buddy hoping he'd get a kick.
It read like this: "Just met these really hot chicks who helped me out of a huge mess. We cuddled in my backseat and got out of a crazy situation. They're looking to hookup soon, double date mother fucker???? LOL" I was clearly joking and he would have understood that.
But I ended up accidentally sending it to Stephanie. I was like ... oh fuck embarrassed but I can get over that..I just won't ever see her again. In an attempt to gather myself I thought I'd give my mom a call and tell her everything was alright as I had seen my texts to her looked pretty serious. In the cluster fuck that was my head, I end up copy and pasting that same shit text to my mother. To which she didn't understand at all, not the humor, not the seriousness of the situation earlier, not anything. Stephanie send back a text that said "wow". And I was still stuck with that bitch of a girlfriend for another 2 months.
But hey I got AAA now!
Foreigncarwhipper: I find this hard to believe that the cops would refuse to help you. I call bullshit on this story.
TheBigUnitt: Nope, this is entirely true. They said that's a problem that they couldn't assist with.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405435722 | 1405446020 | t3_2arl7r | t5_2to41 | 23 | Domjan1911: TIFU by drinking my own piss.
So, not exactly today but a while ago, I was out with some friends in my neighborhood and we were going into our local cafe for a drink. We all sat down and ordered us drinks.
As we were all having fun talking and all that, we started a topic on piss, and how does it taste like. So one of my friends said "I'd give X amount of money if someone drank a glass full of his own piss". And so I don't know what the fuck came over me I asked all of them how much would they give me each if I did that, and they answered a satisfying amount that I accepted to do that...
There I was on my way to the bathroom with my brain free of any thought, with an empty glass pissing into it filling it half full ( about 1,5 decilitre ). Hiding the yellow liquid inside of my black t shirt as I was climbing back up to my friends table I saw all of them dying of laughter as I sat down with a glass of piss in my hand.
Next thing that happened was me drinking the whole glass of piss in less than 3 seconds, as I was drinking it it had a warm "barely out of my cock" kind-of-salty-like-sea taste, then I realized "I'm drinking my own fucking piss and it tastes AWFUL" so as soon as the piss went down my throat I immediately vomited it back into inside of my shirt, throwing up remainders of my food and piss also inside the shirt...
My friends were shocked and screaming, crying and punching things all the way laughing... Not to mention that everyone in the bar was looking what the hell is going on and why are we so loud.So I took off my shirt and threw it in a bin, only 1 out of 6 of them gave me the money from the bet... Bunch of pussies...
inspiredunease: You're Polish aren't you...
Domjan1911: No not really, but what does that have to do with anything?
BucklyBuck: *"not really"*
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1405436938 | 1405458391 | t3_2arn7k | t5_2to41 | 99 | serpis: TIFU by taking half a shower
The events leading up to this:
1. Get a note about our land lord turning off the water to the whole building July 15 between 7.00 am - 4.00 pm for the sake of maintenance.
2. Promptly forget about it.
3. On July 15, 6.55 am. Get in the shower and get all soaped up.
So there I am, shampoo in my hair, soap all over my body and then suddenly, no water.
After a while I remember having some sugar free soda in the fridge, so I stumble out and use that to get the most of the shampoo out.
I use the towel to get rid of as much soap as I can.
After that I am late, so I get dressed and go to work.
Today my hair smelled like fruit and the rest of me like a soap factory.
I also learned that dried soap makes you very itchy.
buttwheat: So many years of a rushed life, I shower in 5 minutes. Full wash, shampoo, everything. Can go from bed to ready in 10 minutes, but like 20 to take my time.
not_my_real_name2: What if he said 6:55 as an example? It could be been 6:57, and your plan falls apart!
WhiteyKnight: The minute shower? Challenge accepted.
buttwheat: I could do it in two. Takes time to shampoo my hiney.
| 5 | 19.8 | |
1405438507 | 1405526837 | t3_2arpvu | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU by attempting to get rid of morning wood
So I woke up today at a my best friends house and I realized that no one was home but myself. The night before I was watching a movie with my best friend and a cute girl that's always over at his house, let's call her "Courtney". Anyways I drank some orange juice, checked my phone, and sat down on the couch to watch Colbert report because it was on at the time. As I am viewing the show I begin to realize that I still have a raging boner from waking up. It became sorta uncomfortable so I unzipped my pants and let my penis breathe and hopefully return to its regular state. As I said earlier nobody was home and I'm over at my best friends house all the time so I'm pretty comfortable there. All of a sudden my pleasant viewing of the Colbert report and feelings of privacy were interrupted when "Courtney" barges through the front door of the house and glances over at me with my fully erect penis out, watching tv. I look back over and somehow I put my pants on, zipped up my zipper, and buttoned up my pants all in under a second using only one hand. She walks into the kitchen and quickly returns to the living room. She is looking for her name tag before she leaves for work. She asked me if I had seen it and I said "nope" and she left. I told her goodbye and that I loved her. I then wondered around the house whining "whhhhyyyyyy meeeee" and "noooooooooo". So that's how I fucked up today. Sorry if this is an average story or if this Happens a lot. I'm just happy that I can share the unfortunate events of my life with the internet. I hope everyone's having a good day and I'd love to see your comments haha.
Edit: apparently me telling close friends that I love them is creepy and I apologize lol.
Azdusha: If you put your palm at the base of your shaft, run your middle finger up the length of your shaft and try to curl your middle finger in as if you were trying to make a fist, your boner should go away pretty quickly.
Source: I used to use this method to get rid of boners pretty frequently
Deschill18: I don't understand. However, I'm not about to ask for a video...
Is there any other way to explain this that I might understand?
Azdusha: basically like, when you get an erection, it goes straight (or maybe has a slight curve or whatever), but it's not as straight when it's soft? Basically, try to curl it up so that it can't go straight. Something like | > P > o. It should soften as you curl it, don't try to curl faster than it softens
Deschill18: Interesting. Very interesting. I'll try this in times of despair.
Thank you, sir, for the life advice!
Azdusha: I'm no sir, but thanks!
Deschill18: That is the 2nd time today! I apologize. Thank you, all the same!
Azdusha: It's all good! <3
| 8 | 6 | |
1405440285 | 1405461693 | t3_2arsxp | t5_2to41 | 4,781 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a child ask his mother if she has sex with cows
This actually happened a couple of weeks ago, but i thought i should still share:
So i'm sitting in the train on my way home from work. I sat myself down in an empty "cubicle" (2 rows of 2 chairs facing each other). At one point a mother gets on the train, she has 2 kids with her, a little boy (~5 years old? i'm horrible at guessing ages) and his older sister. The mother sits down next to me, and the boy directly in front of me. From the moment he sat down, i notice him constantly staring at my face, and i mean CONSTANTLY, he didn't even take time to blink. Then i realize, he's looking at my septum piercing, and has probably never seen one before. So i decide to have a little fun, and flip my septum up into my nose (i can hide it by flipping it up, when i do this it's completely invisible). His eyes grow even bigger and his jaw drops a little, and right before the point where he'd start drooling, i put 2 of my fingers up my nose, and flip it out again. The kid is completely fascinated and asks me: "What is that in your nose?". I jokingly reply: "My father is a cow, i was born with it". The kid smiles, and immediately proceeds to loudly ask his mother: "Mommy, do you have sex with cows too?". Some people in the train start laughing, but the mother certainly didn't think it was funny. She starts lecturing me on how it's people like me that "corrupt" her kid, how i am everything that's wrong with society, and how i should take my "fucked up pierced shitface" somewhere else. When i calmly try to tell her that i felt like she was overreacting, she gets up and spills her drink half over her seat/half over me, starts screaming at me like a fucking banshee, grabs her kid and rushes out of the compartment.
ButtersHound: >Mommy do you have sex with cows too
"No little guy, but your dad does"
Wow. What a bitch.
bananafartman: ah the ol gay cow sex
OverTheLump: Wasn't the point that she was a cow?
Twisted_Cuber: Ya i think he totally Whooshed
9kv: Right over the head
ToWaspOrNotToWasp: I think **you guys** just swooshed. He was making a reddit switcheroo joke hence the "ah the old..."
Edit: auto correct.
9kv: nope
cheese2212: nope
Deathjester99: Pope
ImurderREALITY: soap on a rope?
chaotickreg: Soap on a rope
Soap fall off the rope
Rope fly out of my hand,
Rope tie up that man!
Justtryme90: What?
chaotickreg: Dad!
| 14 | 341.5 | |
1405441376 | 1405573815 | t3_2aruwj | t5_2to41 | 14 | wasthemsheets: TIFU by bleeding all over my new FWB
I got my second ever FWB. The first was literally years ago, so I'm pretty excited about it. We've never slept together before, so the plan was for him to come over this morning for the first time and us to test the waters to see how compatible we were sexually. I'm nervous as hell because I haven't had sex in months so it was already not going as well as it could have, but whatever, we have time. Foreplay, missionary, blah blah blah. It started to get a little painful because he's a bit big length wise and I'm shallow down there (always have trouble finding toys that fit me properly too). He was realllly going at it too, which I'm sure didn't help. Then we changed positions for awhile until he looked down and told me I was BLEEDING. Wtf. And not like a little bit, a lot. By the time he noticed, it was all over his junk, his hands, me, the bed...he had even wiped some on his face when he was wiping off sweat! On the inside, I'm fucking mortified, but I don't know what else to do but laugh, because it's such a fucking ridiculous situation. He actually didn't get mad about it and laughed with me. We were able to continue with me on top (which is actually even worse of a position for his big dick and my shallow lady bits). He never did get off, even after I told him I would do anything to make that happen since I felt so bad for bleeding all over him. He said it's always hard for him to get off...not sure if I should believe him or if he was just trying to be nice. So now I'm just here on reddit, rubbing hydrogen peroxide on my sheets before I wash them, and thinking how my vagina ruined all chances of me having a lasting FWB. If by change you see this C, I am so fucking sorry. Also, you have a monster dick.
TL;DR: My vagina bled all over my new FWB. It got everywhere, including his face. He left without getting off and I'm pretty sure he'll never speak to me again. I feel awful!
Voyager5555: I've had sex with girls on their period, totally not a problem, but would also have a hard time finishing if I was sleeping someone new and she started bleeding everywhere...
wasthemsheets: Not my period. Pretty sure he beat the shit out of my cervix with his giant cock.
Im_faking_it: >Not my period. Pretty sure he beat the shit out of my cervix with his giant cock.
Oh fuck my sides hurt.
Voyager5555: Oh sorry, did realize that, should have been "she started bleeding everywhere when not on her period." I'm definitely telling my GF I'm going to beat the shit out of her cervix the next time I see her though, thanks!
maplecat: Only if you want her to run for the hills xD That shit hurts.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1405443590 | 1405444960 | t3_2arywa | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by unintentionally flashing an entire family in an elevator
For starters, I work as a valet in a hotel. It's a great job, but recently it has been hot and humid as hell. We park the cars outside in parking garage about 2 blocks from the hotel, and the car's interior get VERY hot. Jumping in and out of cars all day isn't the most comfortable -- especially with the very cheap and tight shorts we are required to wear.
So, today was especially hot. I had been running cars for a good bit, and my boxers had started to ride up my legs inside my shorts, creating a good bit of chafe. Anyways, the elevator we use to get back to the hotel is primarily only used by valet drivers because the deck is for valet only. So I parked someone's car on the top floor, started to head back, but first decided to fix my underwear.
I tried to slide my hand up my shorts, grab the underwear, and pull them back down. The shorts were too tight to do so, no luck there. The elevator is completed secluded from the hotel and guests rarely ever use it. So I decided to simply drop my shorts. From there, I also dropped my boxers. I figured it would be better to getter a fresh start -- simply pulling them down wasn't working, they were hiked up that much.
So, to paint the picture a little more vividly, my shorts are around my ankles, and my boxers and around my knees. I'm adjusting and shifting when I hear the elevator: ding! I tried as quickly as I could to pull everything up before my fellow valet driver exited the elevator.
Except it wasn't a valet driver. It was a family who was lost, and were mistakenly in our parking garage trying to find their car. The parents didn't say anything, the two young kids (boys) laughed and sneered. I managed to cover all the important bits, but it was still easily one of the most awkward situations I've ever put myself in. I managed to explain what I was doing, and although I don't think they fully understood, they seemed not too upset.
edit: words
Voyager5555: The car's WHAT gets very hot? Killing me here OP.
fatelviss: Car's interior* sorry
| 3 | 9 | |
1405444739 | 1405455112 | t3_2as10i | t5_2to41 | 24 | Kaalic: TIFU by soliciting a client.
I'm currently working for a damage insurance broker in Canada. I've been working here for a year now, soliciting various business in different sector for my colleagues here. I recently applied to become a professional myself. I got accepted, despite my criminal record. I had no financial or fraud conviction but I used to sell drugs. Lots of them. I had to send my criminal record papers to the regulatory agencies in order to apply...
So I was working today, soliciting the many leads I already have acquired for the past year and I got to call this business to set-up an appointment like usual. I sent them my confirmation via e-mail to remind them of the date with our company profile on it.
I just realized now after lunch that I have put a wrong attachment on my email...I sent my prospect my own criminal record.
Yes. Today I fucked up. Big time.
MantisToboggan_MD_: Follow it up with, "so... want to buy some cocaine?"
i_go_to_uri: Ask it over the phone though; don't keep no paper trail
Kaalic: The email left a trail I can't do much about from their business side tho, that's the part that sucks.
| 4 | 6 | |
1405443951 | 1405485785 | t3_2arzko | t5_2to41 | 42 | Bluecrabby: TIFU by swallowing a guitar pick
On Valentine's Day my senior year of High School I took my guitar in to play some songs for people in the hallways between classes. When I wasn't playing I usually had my pick in my mouth and would chew on it/flutter it around. Right before first period started I was fluttering in the pic and while I was breathing in, it caught the wind like a sail and rocketed into the back of my throat. I swallowed as a reflex to prevent it from getting lodged in my trachea and subsequently swallowed the damn thing.
I must have made a noise or something because the student next to me said "Did you just swallow your guitar pick Bluecrabby?" loud enough for everyone to hear. My teacher called me up to her desk and asked me if I did and I said that I had, in fact, swallowed it. She told me to go to the nurses’ station and I declined stating that I had just turned 18 a little while before, I'm an adult, and I can make my own decisions. She told me again to go to the nurses’ station and I said "OK".
At the nurses’ station they immediately had me sit down and took my blood pressure and checked my airways. They said they were going to call my mom and I gave them the spiel that I was an adult and can make my own decisions and so forth. Somehow that seemed to work and they wanted to keep me for another half hour just to make sure I would be alright. I could still feel the pick in the lower part of my chest stuck in my esophagus right above my stomach but I didn't let them know that.
After a few minutes I asked if I could go to the restroom and they said that was fine. When I came back out they informed me that they had called my mother. "Well shit, I guess I'm going to the hospital huh?" I asked and they answered with a nod. I asked them to write me a pass to get my car and they said I was going to be driven there. I asked if my mom was picking me up, and they said no, "An ambulance is on the way."
Five minutes later some paramedics walk in, check my blood pressure and make sure my airways were ok. When they said I was ready to be transported I stood up, they told me to sit down and then the stretcher was rolled in. I got all strapped in and everything and they wheeled me out of the nurses’ station to a crowd of people that had gathered. I went to school with roughly 3000 people and a quick scan of the crowd revealed that I didn't know any of these people and felt some relief. From the back one of my friends hollers out "What's wrong Bluecrabby?!" A middle finger was my response.
In the ambulance I get my BP taken again as we make our way to the hospital lights on and siren blaring. When we arrive my mom was waiting at the front desk with a concerned look on her face that went to a scorn when she saw my smiling face. When we get into the room I had my BP taken again and the doctor asked if I had any issues and ordered an X-ray.
The X-ray tech had me take off my shirt, which ripped the armpit and had me assume the position. I asked her if they could pick up plastic on an X-ray and she said no and I told her this is pointless then. When the image came back she pointed to the white mass in the center of my chest and said that she thought that was it. I responded that it was just my heart.
After that I get my BP taken again, have an EKG done which came back textbook perfect, and was playing the waiting game on the doctor to come back and see me. The only comfort that I had through the experience was that I get to go home early from school. That happy thought only lasted about 5 minutes because the scroll on the bottom of the TV said that schools were doing an early dismissal because of a snow storm.
An hour later the doctor comes back, checks my BP again and says that he'll release me in an hour. They wanted to make sure that there were no aftereffects of swallowing a piece of plastic. I could still feel the thing stuck but didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to get scoped or anything of that sort.
I was finally released, got in my mom's van to get dropped off in the parking lot of school (which was vacant except my car because every else got to leave). I opened the pack of mini muffins that I had and when I swallowed the first one, it pushed the guitar pick into my stomach.
As a result of my encounter the school put out a new rule that guitar picks are not to be chewed on. I also could feel the thing moving through my intestines at random times and got a significant amount of requests for me to fish it out of my stool when it emerged. A couple days later it came out with no issues and I flushed the bastard.
tl;dr - swallowed guitar pick, went to hospital, my bowels work properly.
[deleted]: This is so ridiculous. The worst part is the pointless trip to the hospital probably ran up thousands and thousands of dollars in medical bills.
If it didn't, congratulations on not being in America. If I swallowed a normal plastic guitar pick no way in hell would I go to the hospital for it.
Bluecrabby: Was in America, was expensive. I agrees on how pointless it was but I was overruled by my mother.
forte_bass: How bad are the bills?
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1405446197 | 1405446819 | t3_2as3oj | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying out chewing tobacco for the first time before going to the dentist and puking in his face.
My dad is my dentist. Like most dentists, he's very against tobacco products, and for almost all of my life, I've avoided them.
Today, I had an evening dentist appointment. All day before, I had gone fishing with my friends at a pond relatively close to his office. While we were fishing one of my friends pulled out a pouch of Red Man chewing tobacco. After a while of peer pressuring, he finally got me to try it. So I sit there nicotine buzzing my ass off for the hour we fished before my appointment. Then I got in my truck and headed to my dad's office.
When I got there, I spit the tobacco out and went inside. I get in the chair and my dad comes in to check out my pearly whites. While he's digging around, I being to realize that I'm becoming increasingly nauseous. I had never chewed tobacco before, and I didn't realize there was a chance that it would upset my stomach. I have a very bad gag reflex, so you can see where this is going.
Only about five minutes in, while he's scraping the shit out of my teeth with that knife thing dentists always use, the nausea is killing me and every instinct in my body is forcing me to gag. Then he moves to a molar and boom. I projectile vomit all over my dad's face.
Makeithappencapt: As someone who has chewed for many years I always recommend that you througly rinse your mouth out afterwards otherwise the tobbacco flavor will trigger your gag reflexes like it did.
p.s aint nothing better then a dipshit
TigerPoster: Yeah, learned that the hard way. Never doing that again.
Makeithappencapt: unfortunatley ive been doing it for so long where I can drink, eat, sleep kiss my g.f, ride my motorcyle and gut it with it in and have it not bother me. So like everything your body will build a tolerence.
Stay away from skoal btw thats nasty shit
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405446718 | 1405481462 | t3_2as4me | t5_2to41 | 286 | bgsufalcon9: TIFU by bouncing in a bounce house
Well this all started when I went to my little cousins 8th birthday party this passed weekend at an indoor inflatable bouncy fun zone place. There were inflatables everywhere, from bouncy slides to bouncy ball pits to bouncy houses ... you get the picture. Well anyways I was at the party just casually talking to the adults ( I am 21 ) while the kids were doing what kids do at a bouncy fantasy land such as this, going crazy, and my little cousin came up to me and asked if I could jump in one of the bouncy houses with him. I really did not want to at all because 1) I was still hung over from the night before 2) I am 6 ft 4 and clumsy and 3) I really just did not want to do it. I of course gave in and agreed to a short bouncing sesh in the house. The opening to get into the bounce was very small and had thick Velcro on the edges so it was hard for my long body to fit in the first place. I eventually got in and started jumping around with all the little kids and I actually kinda started having fun. There was a group of moms about 4 or 5 with strollers out side the bounce house watching their kids jumping around with me and I thought that they must think I was a good guy for playing around with them. Well after awhile I started getting tired and decided to get out of the bounce house. I bounce over to the opening and begin to mentally think of an exit strategy. I soon decided to just squeeze my way through the opening going head first then using my hands to break my fall on the floor, all in one swift movement. Well, I did just that but the only problem was that my pant zipper got stuck to a zipper that was on the opening and it completely slid my pants and boxers down to my ankles on my journey down to the ground. I suddenly found myself half naked lying on the ground in front of a group of moms and dozens of children. No one said a word. It was just a 5 second pause of just literally everyone looking at my dick and me just looking at their faces. After I got out of shock I quickly pulled my pants up and awkwardly said "my bad" to the group of moms and jogged to the bathroom to just get away from the disturbing event that just occurred. I then said quick goodbyes to my family and cousin and left.
I will never go in a bounce house again.
OhWearrry: Seems like it would have been an optimal time for a helicopter dick...
Fearlessguppy: Casually heli-dick your way into the sky.
| 3 | 95.333333 | |
1405448673 | 1405488009 | t3_2as8e7 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a little girl piss herself
I was just at the store getting groceries when a mother and her two kids (looked 4-5 years old) came near me in one of the aisles.
I noticed one of the girls had the hiccups, and being the genius I am, thought I'd help her and the mother out by scaring the hiccups out of her. When they got close enough to me, I turned around, squatted to the girls height and went "BOO!".
The little girl was so shocked and scared that she started to pee and cry. Her mother scowled at me and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I was gone. I was wondering in my head if this was happening or if this was a dream. I had no idea what to say or do, and just started stammering trying to explain that I was trying to scare her daughters hiccups away. This whole time her daughter is sobbing and standing in a puddle, and the other little girl was starting to well up too.
Eventually the manager of the store came to see what the problem was, and after the mother explained, I got kicked out of the store. Didn't even let me check out my items either.
At least I got the girls hiccups to go away?
Syncharmony: This is just a really bizarre thing for a stranger to take upon themselves to do to a little child. In this day and age, parents are hyper-sensitive to anyone interacting with their kid and yelling suddenly at one is just about the worst thing you could do. If I was that kid's father and someone did that out of the blue to my kid with no explanation beforehand, I probably would have reacted pretty severely. I don't know you, I don't know what you are doing, all I know is that you are terrifying my child and I need to protect my child. You are kind of lucky that all that happened was you getting kicked out of the store.
Dinosoarman: This guys got it right. Just maternal bear instinct.
\#Justbearthings
| 3 | 5 | |
1405449989 | 1405461289 | t3_2asay6 | t5_2to41 | 36 | 0wlz: TIFU by having a tonsillectomy.
Inspired by the "TIFU by having sex whilst recovering from a tonsillectomy"
In England they rarely do tonsillectomies any more as they are considered to be worse for your immune system than keeping them in anyway. But I had constantly swollen tonsils and I was always sick so they had to come out.
It was 2 years ago this month, on the 27th so 11 days after my 19th birthday, I was quite nervous as I'd never had an operation before, but the procedure goes all well and I go to my parent's, I was staying with my parent's because you need to be monitored and not be alone whilst recovering. Anyhow, it was 5 days in to recovering and I woke up at about 1pm and really thirsty, I stood up and I just feel as though I have phlegm at the back of my throat, so I cough into a tissue and it's blood, just a little. I rush downstairs to tell my dad and as I drink some water, I feel sick, I sprint to the toilet just in time for blood to spray all over the bathroom in what looked like the aftermath of a gruesome murder scene.
At the time my dad couldn't drive and my mum was at work with no way to get in touch with her so my dad rings my auntie who isn't working at the time and the only person with a car who was close enough. After what seemed like an hour of throwing up blood constantly and pulling blood clots out of the back of my throat that were forming and cutting off my air supply, my auntie turns up. So there I was, throwing up blood into a huge bowl, in the back of my auntie's car on the 20 min drive to A&E. When we get there the bowl is pretty much full and I'm rushed into the back, with nurses impressed that I'm still concious at this point and I get put on a monitor to monitor my heart rate and a doctor comes in and tries shoving hydrogen peroxide in the back of my throat which tastes fucking disgusting and he tried to stop the bleeding with 10 mins of pouring hydrogen peroxide down my throat and me gagging.
Eventually he says that I'd need to get it stitched back up and I have to sign some sort of document, at this point I don't care what it said I signed it and was rushed to the operating theatre, I can't remember if I passed out or was put under, but I woke up 5 hours later with packing and stitches in my throat, having had blood transfusions too, I was apparently close to bleeding out. They had to pump my stomach because of how much blood was in there too.
2 years later and whenever I feel something at the back of my throat I have to check it's not blood. Apparently the problem was attributed to a student surgeon who was allowed to do my procedure because it was a teaching hospital I was at.
TL:DR Had tonsils out, coughed up litres and litres of blood, nearly died.
cro215: I had my tonsils taken out after a year of strep throat every month. I had some bleeding a day after they sent me home so I had to go back in and have them stick various cotton swabs down my throat. I was told it was a rare thing due to the surgery procedure. Seems like you got a surgeon with some serious butter fingers. I will say I have gone over 15 years without a serious throat illness and stay pretty healthy in general. I hope your health is for the better after your ordeal. Cheers tonsil-less comrade.
0wlz: There was someone else who went into surgery an hour before me have problems with bleeding the same day it was done! With how rare bleeding it, it definitely was the surgeon. But yeah, my health is tonnes better, I had migraines for years, but once I had my tonsils out they disappeared too, which was unexpected! But I figured they were pressing on the same part of my mouth as where brain freeze originates from. But yeah, cheers for no tonsils!
Biskit5940: I had my tonsils out at 17 and it was about the worst thing id ever had done to me. I couldn't eat or drink for a week. One night I dreamed I was drowning, and I wake up to realize I am bleeding from the back of my throat, and did what you did, just sit over the sink draining for what felt like an eternity. Don't know if it was a surgical error, but know that it's not just you that got the horror movie treatment!
Raulus: I had mine out and the stitches bled the next morning after only one cough.
I called the NHS hotline and they just told me to gargle water!!
After holding my mouth over the sink and gargling cold water for a while, it eventually stopped by itself. But it's quite scary, watching what felt like pints of blood pouring from your mouth for 10 minutes or so.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1405447840 | 1405452920 | t3_2as6p6 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by seeking extra credit.
This actually happened a couple of years ago at my university. I wasn't on reddit then.
It starts off in my Intro to Hip Hop class which is an Ethnic Studies course. Before classes the Professor let students in Clubs and Groups discuss upcoming events or functions. A Latina girl talked about a rally that the Latino/Hispanic Union is putting on about state schools barring "undocumented residents" from paying in-state tuition. "Undocumented residents" have to pay the out of state tuition.
I raised my hand, and she called on me to which I asked, "Are "undocumented residents" illegals?" Obviously the answer is yes, but she stated that she didn't want to get into the discussion. End of conversation, she sat down and the class began. The professor mentioned if we show up to the rally we'd receive extra credit. I showed up the next day.
About 250-300 people were in attendance at this rally, predominantly Latino students (I'm white btw), but there were also News Crews and University faculty. The rally had begun when I showed up, but I got a standing spot towards the front of the crowd, facing the stage, and right in the middle. The mic was passed from the current speaker to the girl from my class. Clearly she was running this gig.
She was talking about the amazing turnout and the necessary attention the issue needs and even though we lived in a very liberal community their are still many ignorant peoples. She then notices me in the crowd. She mentioned even in her Ethnic Studies class some asshole had the nerve to refer to Undocumented Residents as Illegals. She never broke eye-contact with me. The crowd started Booing, and I mean everyone was booing as loudly as they could, even me. I was booing at myself, people were screaming, the crowd kind of got out of hand for a moment, but the speaker/classmate turned it around into a "We didn't cross the border, the border crossed us chant." Thankfully, she never pointed me out.
I didn't ask for the extra credit.
gregzillaf: TIFU by signing up for an 'Intro to Hip Hop class'
MESQUITE_BBQ_JONES: It was a really fun class. It was about Hip Hop as a culture, not Hip Hop the music exclusively.
gregzillaf: I suppose I could see it as being an interesting class if done the right way, although what Im picturing would have been more in line with 'Urban Studies'.
MESQUITE_BBQ_JONES: It started with the Hottentot Tribe's women traveling, went to Jim Crow shows, and ended with today's hip hop.
Teacher was also a woman's study professor so went a lot into masculinity, and women in the hip hop culture and how they can deal with/dealt with patriarchal practices/society/culture.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1405450675 | 1405456573 | t3_2asc8e | t5_2to41 | 2 | Saophen: Tifu by sharting..
Spartacus133: Dammit...it's been at least a day since someone on here shit themselves. 0 days since last accident
idk012: Rule 10, these should be posted on Saturday only.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405454041 | 1405530742 | t3_2asio8 | t5_2to41 | 12 | g16zz: TIFU by talking about feminism
Not much to this, got drunk and posted a FB status about how i dont agree with the whole 'feminism/MRA' debacle and said i think both sides are inherently wrong. Wake up this morning to find a long list of people pissed off at it. Now i have to feign damage control and elaborate.
I can only imagine what would happen if i started talking about israel and hamas.
Moral of the story: dont drink and facebook about controversial issues.
BigBobsBootyBarn: To paraphrase the best quote ever:
"There are only two things I can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's beliefs...and feminists."
[deleted]: Duuuuutch people...
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Isn't it "[...] and the Dutch" ?
[deleted]: Haha in that direct quote, yes.
I was quoting a later moment
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1405455116 | 1405457548 | t3_2askol | t5_2to41 | 25 | zdrovit: TIFU by NOT studying with my gf
It was a week before finals. Superawsome girlfriend and I decided to stay at my house to study. She arrived and we soon realized we weren't in the mood for studying. I just can t resist to this pretty girl, she's so hot when she reads. We started to kiss and well.... minutes later my so and me were having le wild sexy time. After a while of sweating, heavy breathing, screaming and feeling awesome we decided to switch positions.
The condom unfortunately got stuck in her, leaving my thingy in plain cold air. Being the last condom we had, we decided to stop, but we were both determined to finish, so we both started to masturbate. It wasn't the first time we did this. I really enjoy watching her having a go at herself, though I don't like when she looks at me while i jack off. Knowing this, she proceeds to put a pillow on her face and she positions herself with her gates to haven pointing at me as I like to look closely (don t judge). A bit too closely I might add.
I was about to finish and the position of my body reminds me of an incident that happened a month before this where the orgasm felt too good and i got jizz all over the keyboard as i couldn't blow my load into the tissue. Fastfoward to our current events, I am holding the tissue with my left hand and ... and i realise what an idiot I am. I missed. Again. This time, though, I managed to ship my little guys right between my sweetheart's superb legs, into her V. It s like my dick had laser pin point accuracy.
tl;dr Girlfriend came over to study, we didn't, we got in the mood. Decided to masturbate and i almost got her pregnant.
PS. This month we expected period as if we were kids on christmas eve. It was a nice present.
kovari: [Just going to leave this here...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WPeZL1wb_o&t=53s)
FashionableMarmot: My thoughts exactly.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1405455877 | 1405465520 | t3_2asm2g | t5_2to41 | 21 | Poshtulio: TIFU by trying to bike
Today I decided to be productive member of society and go biking around town on my brand new trek, do the whole fitness thing. Fast forward one hour and 8 miles, I'm making my way back to my house which is in the middle of downtown and I attempt to cross a busy six lane intersection on a red light. While doing so I shifted my front shifter into third gear to give me that extra bit of speed and the chain completely slips the gear causing both my feet drop to the ground, slamming my pelvis into the middle bar. At full speed my bike hits the curb, flipping me over my bike. As I hit the ground my left knee and elbow make first contact and my bike lands on top of me and I am bleeding from the mouth. I stand up right away feeling like a fool, and notice I am the target of EVERYBODY'S gaze, and start laughing at my stupidity and clumsiness.
All in all I am icing my fucked up knee and dick with frozen cauliflower and green beans, bent the front rim of my bike, and am pretty sure I left some of my weenis skin on the cement.
Edit: Pictures for evidence! http://imgur.com/a/URcwT
BigBobsBootyBarn: Just be glad it was the weenis and not the weiner.
Poshtulio: Wiener is all good, now show me the Booty Barn!!
BigBobsBootyBarn: One day my friend. It's a sacred and holey place.
*if you know what I mean*
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1405455946 | 1405463156 | t3_2asm74 | t5_2to41 | 7 | GoodGuyPirate: TIFU By sitting on a rock
First a little background. I live in a small town that the only thing for kids to do is "walk main". In the middle of town we have have a place where farmers market is hosted, theses some statues with history, a garden and a water wheel.
So anyways I was sitting on the rocks that had the fountain leading up to the wheel when all of the sudden some guys runs over and PULLS me off of the rock. So i say "What the hell are you doing?".
The guy starts going off on how I'm being a bad example for his kids while using LOTS of curse words and saying he's gonna kick me ass for "corrupting his children" and "showing them how to be dumbasses" and this is where I fucked up.. I said "The only one here corrupting your children is the man standing in front of a teenager yelling at him, using curse words and threatening him. That is when his wife joined un and yelled at me she called the cops who came down and was siding with me telling them that they need to leave if they are going to break the peace.
TL;DR Sat on rock, got yelled at, cops called, people left.
bakPackRap: Sitting on rocks are very dangerous. It's possible to slip off a rock and land on a heroin needle or to actually start doing crack rocks. Sitting on rocks is very serious business, man.
GoodGuyPirate: Thanks for the laugh man. I'll be sure to never sit on rocks again.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405458061 | 1405543601 | t3_2asq2l | t5_2to41 | -6 | Bob-Nelson: TIFU by having my grandson yell "RAPE" in a crowded shopping mall.
The wife and I took our grandson to the mall this morning. My wife decided to get her nails done at the manicure place there. My grandson is 8 years old and gets bored easily. Instead of wandering around aimlessly while we waited for my wife to be done with her manicure, I decided to play a little game with the kid. I told my grandson to walk several feet in front of me so that people wouldn't think we were together. When I thought some people were watching us, I picked up my pace to catch up to my grandson. As I caught up to him, I placed my arm around the boy's shoulder. This was his cue to yell "RAPE" as loud as he could. One man quickly approached me and got in my face, demanding that I take my arm of my grandson. So now I got to use what I thought was our hilarious punchline. I said, "Whoa there, fella. I was just asking the boy what's his favorite flavor of Gatorade." At that point, my grandson chimed in, "And I said GRAPE." Well, this guy kept barking at me and a small group of bystanders gathered round to see what the fuss was all about. Someone must have called mall security, because they soon showed up. I tried explaining several times that this was just a prank. Then two real cops show up and start questioning me right as my wife walked out of the nail salon. After 10 minutes of the cops questioning and then lecturing me, they finally let me leave. My wife took my grandson home in my car. I got a cab home. My grandson is still chuckling about the events, but my wife has yet to speak to me.
RickTheHelper: After reading all of your comments you seem like the worst grandfather ever.
Bob-Nelson: After reading all your comments, you seem like the most uninteresting man in the world.
RickTheHelper: But this is my only comment...
Bob-Nelson: Your only comment on THIS post. It's clear from the lack of reaction to your comments on other posts that no one cares what you think. So you should probably just shut the fuck up, Rick.
stevethecow: At least his comments haven't yielded a bunch of people shaking their heads at how immature you are.
Bob-Nelson: Shut the fuck up, bovine boy.
stevethecow: You aren't helping your case here.
Bob-Nelson: Only because nobody on Reddit has any fucking sympathy. Also, you are really coming across as a major league asshole. You might want to fix that, fella.
stevethecow: Alright, thanks for the advice, I will work on it on the future.
Bob-Nelson: The future is now! You can start by apologizing to me for being an insensitive prick.
RickTheHelper: Ok now it's clear this is probably a troll. Or a shitty grandad
Bob-Nelson: Fuck off, Rick the Dick.
RickTheHelper: [I knew it!](http://i.imgur.com/DaAq3fz.gif)
| 14 | -0.428571 | |
1405458352 | 1405675278 | t3_2asqm8 | t5_2to41 | 18 | jughead776: TIFU by urinating on my sister's kitten
Last night I was responsible for "watching" my little sister's new kitten while she was at a friend's for the night. Doesn't sound too hard, right?
I come home at 1 in the morning and feed Izzy (the kitten), then head over to release my bladder in the bathroom, not bothering to close the door.
After about 10 seconds of steady stream (I am a man, thus standing up) looking at the wall in front of me, I glance down to see Izzy in the toilet bowl ABSOLUTELY COVERED in my pee. Drenched. Bathing in it. Apparently she was able to silently enter the toilet without my noticing and was unable to exit due to the unrelenting deluge coming down on top of her.
Several struggles quickly ensued:
1. Breaking stream to quickly remove the soaked cat.
2. Holding the SQUIRMING PISS-DRENCHED cat while hurrying to finish my business.
3. Letting the cat spread my pee around the living room while I quickly fill a basin with shampoo and water.
4. Catching her again (she did not trust me)
5. Dunking an adorable, helpless... SCRATCHING, CLAWING, BITING creature into a tub of its last favorite thing in the world.
6. Drying the squealing, tiny thing that looked more like a rat now (what good way is there to dry a cat?)
I smelled Izzy again this morning and there is sill quite a stench. My efforts may have been in vain, but I gave a valiant effort. Wish me luck if my sister guesses what happened.
DisappointedMormon: Based on this and a few other recent posts, I've now come to the conclusion that redditors should never ever be allowed to own or be in the vicinity of cats.
PerturbedPelican: But...but, /r/aww.
| 3 | 6 | |
1405457209 | 1405473277 | t3_2asohg | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: tifu by trying to help a girl choose a Metallica album
this happened last year, I was in my music showing my friend what music I like, he's saying I should get iron Maiden, I love iron Maiden but wanted a Metallica album.
A girl next to me was arguing with her mum on what album to get, as her mum left her to choose, I just thought it'd be nice to give the girl a suggestion.
I said
'excuse me, I'd suggest ride the lighting or and Justice for all personally, probably the best albums to buy '
unfortunately a women behind me said this remark very loudly
' *tuts look at them, type of music will make them rape her (the girl) or kill someone, disgusting'
the girl drops what she picked and walked off to find her mum.
I turn round and give the most creepy look I could give, picked up my cd and went and paid for it.
I know I really didn't screw up here, but maybe I should be careful what I buy around certain people or something
ShpongleEyes: No fuck up here, man. Just ignorant people.
...And Justice For All IS the best album to buy.
[deleted]: yeah I'm pretty self concious on things and I just feel I screwed up by talking to the girl
ShpongleEyes: There was no way you could have known that would happen. It's the principal that matters, man. You helped a stranger out, What you did was a good thing and those people just blatantly ruined it for you. Not your fuck up
[deleted]: Thanks man, I mean I wasn't hurt by the comment I was more angry then anything, people can be so ignorant, the same woman had GTA in her hands (the music shop sells as well), should I accuse her of running and killing hookers all time?
ShpongleEyes: Dude, if I saw GTA in her hand after what she just said I would go fucking crazy. You can fuck prostitutes in GTA and she thinks she can say those sorts of things about people who just listen to Metallica? Heres a video for your troubles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eez_p_s5lTg
[deleted]: I just left it, she was a lot older then me, I just hate how liking metal makes you seem to cut your wrists etc.
ShpongleEyes: I know, man. I used to get a lot of that shit when I was younger. They just categorize everyone who listens to that sort of music as "Emo"
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1405456926 | 1405496906 | t3_2asnzc | t5_2to41 | 11 | turk1ish: TIFU by eating cheesy, cheesy chips in bed.
So this happened about 3 days ago, but I only just realized how I fucked up now.
I was really drunk, and really hungry. It was Friday night, and I had a bag of chips in my room.
Now, naturally I'm not going to get out of bed to eat chips, and being the drunk fuck that I was at the time, I didn't think anything of it.
Cue 7:30am the next day. I wake up covered in crumbs. I look over groggily and see that my chips spilled aaaaaaalllll over my bed. Thinking nothing of it, I proceed to go back to sleep.
Now, I spent the entire day hungover, so as you can imagine, I got nothing done. Including cleaning off my bed (yes, I'm a slob okay?).
Thing is, my roommate has a dog. A wee little Pomeranian. So I left for a couple hours, and accidentally left my door open.
When I came back, the chips have all been eaten. There was a good half bag there.
Move on to today (about 3 days later), and the dog hasn't shit since then. I don't know what to do, but I don't want to tell my roommate. All the dog's been doing is sitting around all day, staring at me.
TL:DR got drunk, got cheese everywhere, got roommate's dog constipated.
Teotwawki69: You need to tell your roommate -- at least that his dog got into your chips, not how. And check the ingredients. Onions in there? Vet time.
turk1ish: Turns out she did shit this morning. So thats good.
Teotwawki69: Twist: In my roommate's shoes. I'm not going to ever say a thing... Ever.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1405460818 | 1405485602 | t3_2asv1u | t5_2to41 | 41 | Explosives: TIFU by eating a few mints.
This happened bout a week ago, not today! Sorry.
What could go wrong if I swallow a whole bunch of mints from a mint tin on the coffee table? Nothing.
What could go wrong if I swallow a whole bunch of sleeping pills from a mint tin on the coffee table? Everything.
So my father, one sunny afternoon, decided to put his sleeping pills in a mint box on the coffee table. These pills are white. So naturally I grab all of them and shove them in my mouth. By the time I've swallowed most I taste a very peculiar and disgusting taste and then it dawns on me. Or dusks on me. Because I vomit, suffocate and pass out.
I end up in the hospital with my stomach pumped.
Everyone thinks I attempted suicide. So now I have a police-issued councelor or something, no job, a disappointed family, and liver damage because of a tin of mints.
TL;DR: don't stick your liver in crazy
poohspiglet: I'm not sure I'm buying this story. People don't just usually swallow mints, they suck or chew on them.
Explosives: I did chew them! I didn't realise what the flavour was until I swallowed a whole bunch of them. I just though that they were old or something. You don't go around expecting pills in a mint tin.
poohspiglet: I see. Did your father learn any lessons? That's pretty dangerous.
Explosives: He did and we're both trying to get everything fixed.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1405462487 | 1406024070 | t3_2asy0e | t5_2to41 | 5 | WhiteRastaJ: TIFU by not knowing who a celebrity was...
Ok, story caveats. It's not me who fucked up, but a coworker of my mother's. This story happened around 1988.
My mother is an RN. Back in 1988 one of her fellow nurses went on vacation, and decided to travel to New York City. Now, this woman was much older--in her early 60s--and knew very little about contemporary celebrities. She'd saved for years for this trip--staying in very high end hotels, eating in five star restaurants, and so on.
A little drunk, she arrived back at her hotel one night, looking forward to getting into bed and sleeping soundly. As her elevator arrived, three black men came walking up behind her. Now this nurse wasn't just pushing retirement. She also grew up in an area with very few blacks at all, and had the old-school Fear of the Black Man. Nervously running through every nasty story she ever heard about being mugged or attacked by a black man at night, she clamped her mouth shut and stepped onto the elevator, clutching her purse until white-knuckled, and hastily uttering prayers to the white-washed God of her faith that this was not her time to meet him.
All three black men stepped onto the elevator with her. Two of them incredibly large, she recalled when telling me the tale, and one not as big.
With everyone in the elevator, she pressed her button and tried to look small and avoid attention in the corner.
From behind her, she heard the voice of one of the men bark, "Hit the floor!"
She screamed and dropped to the floor, completely flattened as if she was about to crawl under barbed wire. In a desperate bid to preserve her life she flung her purse and cash in the air, screaming "Take everything! Just don't hurt me! Please!"
Stunned silence.
Suddenly, all three men exploded into laughter as one of the big lads reached out and hit the floor--pressing the button for their penthouse.
The nurse, confused, got off the elevator and went to bed, shaken.
Two days later, when she was checking out, there was a note for her at the front desk. She still has it, and after telling me the story, handed me the note. I opened it and read,
"Thanks for the best laugh I've had in years. -Eddie Murphy"
Until that event, she had never heard of the man. Now she yells "goonie goo-goo" at her grandkids when they swim.
viken1976: I first heard this story before I even had the internet.
You are a liar.
WhiteRastaJ: Eat a dick. I related the story as told to me.
viken1976: What color was the ink on the note you read?
Or was it just a black font on snopes?
WhiteRastaJ: Blue. Keep talking, keyboard warrior.
viken1976: Honestly, why would you post this and lie about it? What did you think you'd gain from it? Is it just a desire for attention?
WhiteRastaJ: Shouldn't you be masturbating to shitty b-movie horror features or something?
danisnotfunny: wait, so if it true? i have never heard this before.
WhiteRastaJ: He claims it's not. I'm only telling the story as I was told it. It's always possible the old lady was BSing me, but I don't know for sure.
| 9 | 0.555556 | |
1405461621 | 1405533753 | t3_2aswh8 | t5_2to41 | 652 | Land_Crab: TIFU by Giving My Mother an STD.
After noticing this community for the first time several months ago I thought this might be the most appropriate place to share one of the biggest f-up's of my life. Just a quick disclaimer- "Today" was more like "20 years ago" as it happened in the 90's, but is still the most despicable moment in my life. Sorry this is so long! Let's rewind...
I'm 18. I'm the singer of a band that was starting to gain a local following in the 'burbs of New York. We were invited to play a small club in the city on a Saturday night, which for 5 seniors in HS was a huge deal. The show went great- and at the end of the night (more like early AM) a very drunk, much older woman approached me and asked if I wanted to continue the party. As us guys know, things like this don't happen too often and as an 18 year old there was NO WAY I was turning down the advances of an older woman who (most likely) wanted to have sex with me. Was it wrong of me? Probably. But keep in mind I was young, hormonal, and would pay the price for the rest of my life. She suggested we go back to my place.
"My place" consisted of a temporary one-bedroom rental that was my divorced mother's. She had just bought a new house and sold our old one. The new place wasn't ready to move into yet but we had to be out of our old house, so for 3 months that summer we were in a temporary rental close to the city with 90% of our stuff in storage. I slept on the couch. Coincidentally, my mom (who NEVER stayed out overnight, as she didn't trust me) was spending a "girls weekend" with her friend visiting from Georgia who had a summer house on LI. She gave me explicit instructions not to have anyone over, and she would be home early Sunday morning.
Not wanting to fuck things up with this woman (or reveal my age--I looked about 5 yrs older than I was) I said that was fine and we made the trek back to the rental. It was now about 3am. Knowing my mom would be home around 9 or 10am I made up a story and told my new lady friend I had to leave for the airport around 8am so we wouldn't have that much time.
We got back to the apartment and it didn't take long for the good stuff to begin. We went into the bedroom (which, as a reminder, was my mom's room but I of course didn't tell her this) and started hooking up on the bed. Having unprotected sex with a stranger was where everything went wrong. I have no idea why I did this. I had only had 2 partners before her, and used condoms with both. I think it was the fact she was so much older and didn't ask combined with teenage curiosity. I can't take it back, but I can admit I'm a F-ING IDIOT for doing so. Granted the results most likely would have been the same even if I used a condom, but I'm still an idiot. Surprisingly things lasted for a good amount of time, and we got an an hour or so of sleep before my "airport alarm" went off and I told her she had to leave. I went back to sleep until my mom got home.
Fast forward a few days later. Besides being in a band I had a part time job as a busboy. My crotch area was itching like crazy at work, and I had my hands down my pants scratching in the bathroom every chance I could get. It wasn't until I was using the bathroom a few days later (I think- not positive about the exact timeline, that's where my memory gets rusty) did I look down and see a few super-tiny barely visible, moving specks. I knew right away what it was, because my best friend ran into the same problem months before and told me about it---- I had crabs. The older chick from the bar left some parting gifts. I spoke with my friend who told me exactly what I needed to get to get rid of them, which was this over the counter type of shampoo especially made to kill them. Similar to lice treatment. Looking back I have NO idea why I didn't just shave my pubic hair when I found them. Anyway, thankfully that did the trick and I learned my lesson.
Several days later I got home in the morning from sleeping over a friends, walked in the door and went right into the bathroom. I went to throw something away and on top of the trash was the bottle of my de-crabbing shampoo, freshly thrown away. I was HORRIFIED that my mom had found it. But I was *positive* I put the empty bottle in one of my shoeboxes because I didn't want her to see it in the trash. I went and checked and sure enough, it was still there.
I went over to my couch and my mom came out of the bedroom, garbage bag in hand. She said she was throwing away the sheets, pillowcases and bedspread because "something or someone" had brought "bugs" into the apartment and to "stay out of her bed" when she wasn't home. That was all she said, and I didn't dare ask more, but immediately made the connection.
I've thought this through thousands of times, and it is single handedly the most mortifying moment of my life. I've tried to tell myself that it was a coincidence and maybe my mother had extra fun at her "girls weekend" (it's so disgusting to even say that) but knowing my mom and her ultra conservative Irish Catholic morals, that most likely was not the case. This happened way before the internet, and I've looked it up since, and it can be possible for crabs to unwillingly be transferred to others you don't have sexual contact with via clothes or bedsheets.
There was never another mention of it, and to say it scared me straight was an understatement. As you can see, it's still haunting 20 years later.
**TL;DR**- Had sex with a rando. Accidentally gave my sweet Catholic mother crabs.
OMFGmomgetthecamera: You had sex in your mother's bed and didn't wash the sheets afterwards? Dude...
_vargas_: Well, she *was* technically in charge of the laundry. I mean, there's a system in place for a reason.
BlackCaaaaat: If you have a teenage son, expect to wash a lot of sheets.
codekb: Not true :c
Source: im a teenage son.
vedgehead1: You're a teenage son with crusty sheets.
FTFY
Prototypetwo: Why does everyone say that? I dunno about you guys but I don't shoot my spunk straight onto the sheets
vedgehead1: Neither do I.
There's other things that could make sheets crusty: ass juice, boogers, toejam, just general body nasties. If he's saying that his sheets don't get washed, there's a good chance they don't feel like regular sheets. Maybe they're not necessarily crusty, but you get the point.
Harishimomo: Yeah, i'm pretty sure assjuice isnt a common thing. I'm a teenager and I can honestly say the only thing on my sheets is dead skin cells ( like everyone else) and probably a bit more oils, especially on my pillow case because acne.
| 9 | 72.444444 | |
1405463040 | 1405466655 | t3_2asyxs | t5_2to41 | 21 | whatxever: TIFU by almost showing my family the porn I was watching
I probably would've been okay with it if I was a boy but I'm a pretty young teenage girl, so cue the awkwardness.
My mom and little brother were super excited to see the painting I submitted into an art contest and won but didn't tell them about until I knew the results.
There was a whole gallery thing where I presented it and on the website's homepage there was a picture of me standing with it.
I had the tab with the picture up but of course my little brother decides to grab my computer to try and zoom in and accidentally opens a window that was minimized...with about 6 tabs of very awkward fetish-like porn up.
Thankfully, you could only see the title but the website icon is pretty well-known and the tags directly below the title (ex. "sex" "video" "home") were self-explanatory.
I quickly grabbed my computer and made some bullshit excuse about how it was weird stuff for a new art project (in a very chill manner if I may say so myself).
I'm pretty sure my mom didn't see (thank god) but I am not entirely sure my brother, even at his age, didn't get what happened. Especially since he was the one to see the gist of it.
tl;dr My brother saw the title/tags of a porn video I had up and I'm his 16 year old older sister.
edit: To avoid feeling like I'm tricking you guys I have changed a few aspects of this story to avoid certain people finding me on here :)
ShpongleEyes: Rookie error. You don't just minimize it.
whatxever: I WAS GOING TO USE IT FOR LATER I'M SORRY
ShpongleEyes: How much later?
whatxever: Like an hour or two?
ShpongleEyes: You find porn 2 HOURS in advance?!
whatxever: Nonono I already watched it but sometimes if I like something a lot I'll rewatch it because it's kinda hard for me to find something I like
ShpongleEyes: Yeah, I'm the same. But just remember the names of the videos you have up instead of just leaving them up for your brother to find. It's really fucking awkward when someone sees what kind of porn you watch ESPECIALLY if its bdsm or any other fetish stuff.
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1405461870 | 1405466518 | t3_2aswy6 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting piss drunk the night before my little league baseball game.
To start this off I would like to say I have never ever gotten drunk in my life. I am a 16 year old (m) and I have sipped alcohol once or twice before.
To give you some context I am playing Little League baseball and my team is currently playing for the state title. To do so we had to drive for several hours to get where we needed to play and we have been stating in a hotel the last couple if nights. About 8 players from my team are staying in the same room and we are pretty close and open with each other. To be honest we aren't the best bunch of kids as in we are kinda bad. We have one kid on our team who is a dealer and deals marijuana, and another kid who is a total stoner who struggles to go a day without smoking. But we can kick ass at baseball.
The shit started yesterday when about 5 of us decided to go to the pool at about 11pm. Normally the pool closes at like 9 or 10 but we had been really quiet the night before so he let us go in whenever. So we are going I the pool and we walk by the managers office and we see that the manager is still awake, so we go and ask him for more towels. When we get to him it is very obvious that he has had a drink or 2. We proceed to ask him for some towels and he goes to get them. When he comes out of the back room/office/idk area he has some towels but one of them has something in them. He pulls back the edge of the towel and there is a glass bottle in it. He tells us that it's 100 proof vodka or something like that. I don't know my alcohol so I still don't know if the stuff is even considered strong. We all look at each other wondering if this was really happening and when it dawns on us we are gonna get to drink we all just start smiling and looking around. He tells us what I'd expect, if anybody doesn't want to they don't have 2 and nobody can know about this or we would all be in deep shit.
So he says that if we are going to do this we need to the mini mart across the street and by some sprite to chase the alcohol with (7up apparently has caffeine and is bad with alcohol). So he gives us some money and we start heading for the gas station feeling like we are on top of the fucking world! Then the drug dealer realizes the opportunity he almost missed and so he tells us to keep walking and says he's going to ask the manager if he could buy some chew for us ( about half the team chews but we have lots of trouble getting it since we aren't old enough yet). So the 4 of us remaining continue on to the store while the drug dealer doubles back (I an gonna start calling the drug dealer DD from now on to save time but I probably wasted more time just writing this side note). We get the soda and start heading back to the hotel when DD comes running at us half laughing half scared shitless. He is panting heavily ( don't smoke kids) and when we ask him what's up he says that the manager is totally fucked! Apparently the manager agreed to buy us a couple cans of chew the next day but then proceeded to give DD 20$ just because and then asked him cut or uncut. This is when we took a step back and thought " oh shit this guy is really fucking crazy". It didn't stop there though. He actually asked if he could give DD a BJ!!! We honestly almost considered walking to our room and never speaking of this again, but then again we are 16 year old dudes and we wanted alcohol, so we decided one of us would not drink and make sure this dude wasn't going to rape us. So we continue on and find him sitting at one of the tables by the pool. The second we get to the table and are sat down he grabs a KFC cup ( idk how that's relevant but whatever) and fills it with half vodka and half sprite. He then hands it to me and says drink as much as you can and try to keep it down. Without a second thought I grab the cup and start drinking. It was so strong and hard to swallow and I only get about a fourth of it down before I pass it. The next 2 kids only take smaller sips and then pass, and I don't blame them. Eventually it gets back to the manager and he finishes and says let's wait a while. About 5 minutes later he pours another round and passes it to me. I drink a little more than a fourth and am still feeling fine. We repeat this another 2 or 3 times and then out buddy that isn't drinking says he thinks that's enough. Me and DD have had the most to drink and drunk about the same amount. The only difference is I weigh about 135 and he weighs about 175-180. The buzz is really starting to kick in hard and as a normal drunk person I think I'm fine when honestly I'm gonna be totally fucked. After the next and final round I am really out of it and the manager can tell. He starts rubbing my back and telling me no more. I keep saying I'm fine and I can have a little more and he actually starts pouring more ( we have already gone through 1 entire bottle at this point) but my buddy pushes it away and even though I keep saying I'm fine he knows I'm not and him and another teammate start taking me to my room which is on the other side of the complex. We decide it's best to take the elevator as I'm having a little trouble walking at this point. We get I the elevator, and I karate kick the button for his knows why and that's the last major thing I remember. I wake up at about noon the next day and actually feel fine except for a sick stomach and a slight head ache. When the team realizes I'm awake (about 8 of us in one room, yes it is awful in here) they all crowd around the bed I'm in and first ask if I'm alright and then proceed to tell me just how much a a funny, loud, pain in the ass I was last night. Apparently the second I was escorted into the room and let go I face-planted into the ground. I quickly but clumsily got up and continued to tell everyone how much of pussy's they were and how I could kick all of there asses. After challenging everyone to fight me and making an asshat of myself apparently they decided it was a good idea to try to feed me. They tried to give me a pepperoni stick, which I was scared to death of because I thought it was a dick. They said I was honest to god scared that I was being raped. At this point I was getting loud and it's now about 1am in a hotel and the worst possible thing would be somebody complaining and calling the cops. Nobody on the team was anywhere near as gone as I was and they decided the only way to shut me up was to put me to sleep. But I was not having it, every other word out of my mouth was fuck and I wanted to fight everyone. At one point I started talking about fucking one of the teammates mom, and to be honest she does have nice tits. When I finally passed out at about 2am not even 5 minutes later the coach came in to check on us and tell us to quiet down. Not even a minute after he left I blew chunks everywhere. I don't remember it but apparently it was like a geyser shooting off with incredible force. I managed to get to the bathroom after the initial burst and continued to throw up/gag for about an hour over the toilet. When I was finally done throwing up I was moved back to bed and passed the fuck out.
Now here I am, it's about 3pm the following day and I don't know what to think. Was that a total success or a absolute failure if a first time drinking? Nobody but my team and the manager know so I'm think I'm in the clear in that department. But the worst part is our team is 2-0 at state and in a couple hours we play the only other undefeated team. I am either going to be playing shortstop or center so the team is going to be relying on me. I just hope this mild headache/stomach ache goes away before then.
tuna26: I read "little league" in the title and automatically assumed OP was already getting hammered at 12 years old. Drink a Gatorade and get some greasy food if you have enough time. The stomach ache should go away if it's only mild. I would suggest a 5 hour energy. The part of the hangover that will affect your play the most is just being tired. I've had practice while hungover before and it wasn't too bad taking batting practice but I got tired very fast. Hope you feel better and good luck in your game!
ShamWowTheGreat: Thanks man I will take your advice, and I'm in an older age group so yeah lol
tuna26: You're welcome! While I've never had bad experiences with 5 hour energy, I would take /u/ThoracicPork advice. Some people may react differently to it and you don't want to make the situation worse.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1405464565 | 1405467272 | t3_2at1jj | t5_2to41 | 12 | ihatetwizzlers: TIFU by telling a co-worker to slow down
Last week my boss sent over 2 people to help me on a special project that was getting behind schedule. One of them I know well and the other not so much. The one I don't know very well is a white man from South Africa that left right after apartheid was abolished. Infer from that whatever you will. I had them feeding me data while I was entering it. The weird African dude wasn't doing his part right, causing me to double-check everything he was doing, completely negating any "help" he was supposedly providing. Instead of correcting him professionally, I jokingly told him to go back and slow way down because he's making me look bad. What I really meant was slow down and do that shit right ya moron! I just received my corrective counseling for "unprofessional attitude and behavior which resulted in lost time and resources." He went back and told them I was sandbagging the whole operation apparently and "asked not to be assigned to work under you again."
TL;DR Jokingly tell a coworker to slow down cuz he's making me look bad, get written up for wasting time and resources and being unprofessional
[deleted]: What's unprofessional is you being chastised for someone else's mistake. Tell your boss what really happened, bring in the coworker that you know. Hopefully they will corroborate your story. You shouldn't have to be punished for trying to do your job properly.
ihatetwizzlers: Long story, but this boss kinda hates me. He's not interested in my version of events. He didn't ask the other guy either.
[deleted]: At that point I would take it to a higher up. There's no reason to be treated this way where you work. Especially when you did nothing wrong.
ihatetwizzlers: this is where it gets complicated, he's the owners brother, lol
[deleted]: That shouldn't matter. That just promotes a hostile work environment. Which is bad for all employees. Take it to HR then, this is the exact type of thing that they're there for.
| 6 | 2 | |
1405464373 | 1405490210 | t3_2at17x | t5_2to41 | 190 | imsortofaretard: TIFU by playing Bioshock despite being a huge pansy
I scare very easily. *Very* easily. If I see you hiding behind a corner to scare me, I'll still be startled when you pop out. I was terrified out of my mind during that shitty 911 operator movie with Halle Berry. Actual horror movies/video games are kind of out of the question for me.
I had Bioshock 1 and 2 in my Steam library, because they were on sale, but I knew I was never going anywhere near them. A friend was prodding me to play them saying "It's got a fantastic story!" and "It's only scary in the beginning, you'll be fine!". I decided that okay, I'd give it a shot.
So the game starts, and for the first 15 or so minutes, I'm fine. Occasionally, something pops out and scares me, but I don't shit my pants, so I'm okay. I'm constantly on edge though, and my heart is pumping like a little hummingbird on crack.
I think the exact moment it all went to shit was when my roommate touched my shoulder at the same time a splicer started attacking me.
I'll tell you what, Bioshock had me completely immersed, because in that split second moment, I freaked out. I screamed like a dying lamb, slammed my computer down, and ran/stumbled out of the room as if the devil himself was on my heels.
I sat down on my bed sort of trembling, two minutes later my roommate comes in with a cup of water asking if I'm okay. I drink the water and thank her, saying yeah. Then we get up and I go back to the living room, where I was on my laptop before hand.
I open my laptop, the screen is cracked.
I'm a little pussy, and I've come to terms with that now, and I'm probably never playing Bioshock again. I'm taking the laptop to my friend tomorrow to see if he can fix it.
**tl;dr: Adrenaline + Scared + Laptop = Retard**
foxy1167: bioshock isn't even close to the end of the spectrum of scary video games
your friend is right though, it does have a fantastic story, at least bioshock 1 anyway. bioshock 2 isn't nearly as good in my opinion
Instantcoffees: The first F.E.A.R game had me screaming battle cries while firing at paranormal things, eventhough I knew I couldn't hit them. Never played it again, but it was very exhilarating.
There was one moment where you were running in a dimly lit basement. There was ammo in a tiny crouch space but the closest lamp was flickering. Ofcourse I had to get the ammo. Suddenly the light went off. A few seconds pass and the light quickly flickers on and off again. During the split second, you can see the contours of a black haired girl sitting right next to you.
It was 3 A.M and I was playing in the absolute dark with my headphones on. I can tell you that it scared the bejezus out of me and I continued to play the rest of the game without my headphones and a small light in my room.
GuntherTime: What got my was like 4:30-5 and you get set to go down the ladder and she's there just staring at you. Hoped the fuck outta that game real quick and never looked back.
Wheezin_Ed: I can't remember if it was FEAR 1 or 2, but I'm pretty sure it's 2. There's one part with a well lit hallway and a door at the end. When you look through the door you see flashbacks of Alma and the doctors. The lights go out momentarily, and then come back on to reveal an empty room. Now, ordinarily, the player should turn around to see Alma slowly walking down the hall towards you, but for some reason I'm transfixed on the empty room. My friend says "Dude, why do you keep staring at the room?" So I tell him "I know there's gonna be some stupid jump scare here where something pops out of the room." I stare at the room for another 20 seconds or so, and then give up. "Wow this so stupid. There wasn't even a fucking d-OH MY GOD!" Just as I turn around, Alma is right in my face in the flickering light and hacks me to pieces. We all screamed when it happened. Its funny when I look back now, but I actually had to take a break I was so messed up.
GuntherTime: Yup pretty much my reaction but it was more like a calmed fear and I was 14; 1. Already on edge from some jump scare earlier. 2. 8 years of Halo experience has me looking around for fear of invisible things then get to the ladder. 3. Proceed to go down ladder only to look up to her looking down in to my soul. 4. I exited the game, put it back in its case, put it in the closet and proceeded to wait until it was light enough outside for me to fall asleep
| 6 | 31.666667 | |
1405464079 | 1405507219 | t3_2at0q3 | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating
So there I was, happily fapping away, and came, as per usual. However, some went on my bed, but I was thirsty, so that came first. I picked up my glass of water, in the process tearing the leg of a huge (by UK standards) spider, which proceeded to jump onto my bed and evade my now tired fist for a few seconds, before being made into spider jam. There was quite a mess, so, forgetting completely about the semen on the bed, I went to get a cloth to wipe up the corpse. Parents were woken, whom proceeded to 'help out', and saw the corpse of a spider resting near to the corpses of many a possible child. Awkwardness ensued. Both messes were cleaned up by myself alone.
TL;DR: Fuck spiders
DrFishhead: >Fuck spiders
You have sex with spiders too? I thought I was the only one!
namesareforlosers: Nope theres always spiderman
| 3 | 11 | |
1405467548 | 1405490924 | t3_2at6fh | t5_2to41 | 12 | NOT_ah_BOT: TIFU by Browsing r/WTF
So this happend yesterday. (Links NSFW)
There is this chick at school I've been "Courting" for some time now, we started classes at the same time and have overlapping math and comp classes. We became friends on the first day after being assigned a group project and out of pure laziness, and sitting next to each other we deiced to do it together.
About mid way through the term we found out that we live kind of close to each other and decided to take the bus back together, i generally walk home because its only like 2 miles, but with the weather, i didn't mind paying the 2$ for a relaxing ride home.
now generally i am a mobile user and always browse while talking to people, generally just pictures on a few different subs. shes always on tumblr, I've tried showing her that reddit is better but she wont listen.
so i open my app and thought to myself that i have not browsed r/WTF in some time. so i select it and go to new, because i like saving the best for last. so i see [This](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2appmr/i_googled_shit_storm_and_found_this/) post and without thinking about who is sitting next to me, i open it, and instantly start laughing. Very loudly.
She looks over to see what i am laughing about and sees it and i cannot describe her reaction, Horror maybe? either way it wasnt good, we didn't talk for the rest of the ride i was too embarrassed to say anything, i got the bus before her and gave her the most awkward embarrassed "Bye" i could muster.
have not talked to her since, noramally we skype here and there with funny links/pictures. i have class with her in about an hour. i am going to do my best to explain to her without coming off as some giant weirdo/perv.
TL;DR opened a picture of a giant [Asshole](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2appmr/i_googled_shit_storm_and_found_this/) next to this chick that i like and now im pretty sure she thinks i am a creep.
Will update if requested.
**EDIT** explained to her how the viewing works and that it doesn't show a thumbnail of the image. she understood. but didn't understand why i thought it was so funny.
Worked up the courage to ask her out:
Got friendzoned. waited too long i guess.
kiba9: Please update.
NOT_ah_BOT: Updated.
| 3 | 4 | |
1405468537 | 1405522971 | t3_2at81z | t5_2to41 | 10 | treesfen: TIFU by eating a pepper while I was drunk. Really drunk.
So like many of these stories, this happened in the past. It was a beautiful, warm Thanksgiving day in sunny California and like a lot of folks out there, I wasn't spending the holiday with family. A good friend always hosts an 'orphan Thanksgiving' for those who can't spend it with blood relatives. This past Thanksgiving, he had a larger than normal crowd showing up so we decided to cook 3 turkeys. 1 oven roasted, 1 deep fried and 1 smoked. I was in charge of the smoked turkey and I set out to make it an amazing turkey. Because I was smoking it, I decided to go low and slow for about 7 hours. Now whenever I smoke any type of BBQ fare, I make sure to have enough alcohol around to make the process seem less tedious and so at 8am, after the turkey went on the grill, I cracked the 1st bottle of Jack and began tending to the fire. Fast forward 7 hours later and it is time to eat. All the turkeys are done, carved and smell delicious.
It's important to point out that when I cook, I drink and because of that fact, some appendages have been sliced and/or burnt on several occasions, so I was proud of myself for not cutting or burning myself once. As a reward, I crack bottle #2 of Jack, which was a glorious idea. At this point, there have been shots, glasses of whiskey and some great beer brewed by a friend. The meal goes off without a hitch and everyone is sated from the delicious food.
Now it is time to sit back, enjoy a bonfire, tell jokes and maybe even play a healthy round of Cards Against Humanity. To say that I have a good buzz on does not do my inebriated state justice. I am drunk, fractured if you will, and pleased with myself on how well the turkey turned out. Friends are singing songs of praise and the young maidens are fighting for the right to take me home. I did mention I was drunk, right? Well, let's just say that we're all having a good time when my friend Gordon (I'm calling him Gordon because that is his name) pulls out the latest peppers he has ordered online and wants to share with those of us willing to try them. The first is a Sunrise Scorpion and registers between 700,000-800,000 Scoville units. He slices off a piece for me and without hesitation, I eat the slice he offers me. It is very hot but also quite tasty without killing me.
The next pepper is a 7 Pot Douglah Chocolate. Recently tested between 923,000 and 1.85 million Scoville units, this was the hottest pepper on the planet for a short period of time. Gordon slices it up as I mentally prepare for the experience. I decide that I don't want to touch the pepper with my fingertips because I have experienced pain before from the oils of other peppers. In my moment of drunken wisdom, I have Gordon place the pepper on my index fingernail. He obliges and I quickly throw the pepper in my mouth. An incredible flavor is almost immediately replaced with intense heat. Fire. Not just fire, but a white hot fire that sears my mouth while sweat immediately pours out of my head. I feel as if everything north of my neck is melting off my body. Without thinking, I wipe the sweat off my face with the hand that holds the offending vegetable. I wipe up the right side of my face, past my nose and eye. Quickly the fire that has melted my face from the inside is now consuming it also from the outside. I am in serious pain and my dearest friends are having a good laugh.
It gets worse as I began to realize that I can't see out of my right eye. In what again can only be described as drunken wisdom, I quickly scan what is left of my working brain for something that will make the pain lessen. Water? No. Milk? Maybe. Wait, what is better than milk?? Ice cream!! I ask our host if he has any and surprisingly he does. His wife hands me a bowl of delicious Vanilla ice cream. Without hesitation, I take a handful (no need for a spoon at that point) of the sweet cream and literally shove it up my nose and wipe it around my right eye. It immediately feels better and I start to relax; however, I have ice cream up my nose and it starts to melt. What do I do? I snort the ice cream up my nose, finish off the bowl and crack open a beer. My friends are grossed out and yet still want to party. Thankfully, my vision returns, the party continues and no serious damage is done.
TL;DR: After a great meal, I stupidly ate a slice of a ridiculously hot pepper and burned not only my mouth, but my nose and eye while discovering a new way to eat ice cream.
irishpwr46: this story happened in the past? I am pretty sure I haven't read any that happen in the future.
Voyager5555: TIFU (Tomorrow I'll Fuck Up?)
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405468296 | 1405469347 | t3_2at7n8 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my friends GF that she wasn't the first.
This did actually happen today, I felt the need to post it because they are both pretty pissed off at me. So today me and my friend were in a skype call with his GF and we were all talking and doing our thing. Then she starts talking about sex and being a virgin and all this other shit and I'm just sitting back playing "Unturned" then I start thinking about what she said how my friend told her that he was still a virgin and out of nowhere I say; Hey friend I thought you F***ed like three other girls. At that point I knew I fucked up. I heard him gasp and his GF started to freak out. I got kicked from the call and the next thing I know my friend is messaging me calling me an asshole. His GF is super bitchy about it and I just think "What the fuck did I just do." It's not too late to apologize. So I ask if I can join the call again. He says "Fuck no". I'm gonna sit around here and wait until things cool down.
tl;dr Today I accidently told my friends GF that he Isn't a virgin and has f***ed many girls.
*Edit: Everybody is cooled down now and likes me again. I think xD
WombCannon: You must be in high school...
Wolf3y: yep
WombCannon: Let me give you some advice young-in and pass it along to your friend as well. High school relationships dont mean shit. They are essentially the "training wheels" of relationships. Mostly learning experiences and nothing more. I also worked at a high school for 2 years and I would chuckle when I hear you high school kids say "i love you" to each other.
Wolf3y: Yeah thanks for the tip. They have calmed down since then and added me back to the call.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1405467636 | 1405508076 | t3_2at6kv | t5_2to41 | 143 | [deleted]: TIFU - Ohhhhh, Nice to see you again cuz
The day was 2 Saturdays ago. I am 23. I just moved back into town a couple of weeks ago after graduating college and it was the first weekend back.
I decided to head out for a night at the bars with some long unseen friends. I get shalacked and find an attractive older woman and hit it off. I guessed high thirties to low forties. She was probably a 6 or a 7 out of 10(with how much I drank she was probably an 8 or a 9). Brought her back to my place at bar closing, we screw around, and she leaves at about 5 in the morning. Great night.
Fast forward to an hour ago. I just got off of work and went grocery shopping at the Walmart near my place of employment. Here I run into my 16 year old cousin that I haven't seen in atleast a few years. She says she's with her uncle and step mom. I then see my uncle from afar with an attractive middle aged woman.
Today I fucked up and found out I fucked my aunt.
Am I going to tell him? Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't.
ryumichael: Depends if he fucked your mom
[deleted]: If you mean my uncle then his TIFU post should be here soon. He would have had to fuck his sister and cheat on his beautiful whore wife.
BobVosh: Just another day in /r/incest
[deleted]: Well technically the uncle is the blood relative. So technically it's all good
Edit: Misread. Woo incest
Edit 2: Ewww incest
Koolaidwifebeater: >Edit: Woo incest.
Edit: Eww incest.
OP, did you give your friends your Reddit username or something?
| 6 | 23.833333 | |
1405468745 | 1405676936 | t3_2at8dv | t5_2to41 | 3 | aaa11233: TIFU by getting rejected from a California State University
This actually happened today and I'm devastated and worried.
Background: So I got accepted to this college as a freshman and got into its honors program. I had a close friend that is also attending so I figured that we could be roommates and it would be great if we could be roommates so we completed the online steps. However I had to leave the honors program to be his roommate because if you're in the program, you cannot dorm with non-honor students. So we paid the initial housing fee ($40) and now we are going to be roommates so things going are great. I bought a campus pack ($200) with bed sheets, pillows, etc. because their beds are bigger than normal beds. And I set up a student orientation date for $50.
So today I tried accessing the grants and awards I got through financial aid but they weren't there. I called financial aid office and they said that my admission status was "being weird" so they transferred my call to the admissions office. They said that I wasn't accepted anymore.
Wait what?
They decide to wait July 15 to tell me that I'm not attending?! The admission's office lady I was speaking to read me that the comments on my account. Something like "Did not record D's and F's on application-- senior grades good". Then I told her how I made up the classes I didn't pass and that I actually had more credits than I needed to graduate. I also told her that my high school counselor told me what to write every step of my application.
Now my only 2 options are to write an appeal within 15 days and get a response or leave a voicemail to the person in charge hope they call back. I plan on writing the appeal tomorrow and I already left the voicemail. Also I have no means of reaching my high school counselor besides her school email address.
I'm so sad right now and it's too late to switch to the other schools that have already accepted me. If you guys have any advice, I'm all ears.
Catmaster5000: What CSU is it ?
aaa11233: Long Beach
BeyondCryptic: Haha, I thought so. I'm a student there.
That being said, you should have stayed in the honors program.
Do you know how many people would kill for priority registration?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1405466943 | 1405471866 | t3_2at5dy | t5_2to41 | 66 | Warzitec: TIFU by saving my crush's pics in my pen drive
This happened back when I was in 9th grade and had a crush on a girl from my class. I used to keep her pic in my pen drive. Couldn't risk leaving it saved in my computer because I wasn't the only one who used it.
We were in History class and by the end of the class our teacher used to give us her powerpoint presentations so we could study. Needless to say she always kept her laptop plugged into a data show so everyone could follow her class.
By the end of the class There was one person who was getting all the pen drives.
When the teacher plugged in my pen drive, one giant pic of my crush jumped in front of everything in the desktop because she had some sort of software like photoshop.
My crush's face became all red and I, being really close to the lens, became speachless and never thought of covering it.
7 years laster my friends still laugh whenever this is told, even the ones who weren't in my class.
the32bits: Did anything happen between you and your crush? Did you talk to her afterwards?
Warzitec: I did, she said she never felt so embarassed in her life. I saw the other day, Don't know if she remembers this.
5unbr0: Ask her out for coffee to "catch up"
Warzitec: Never thought of that
5unbr0: Could be a good way to open up the past, don't act beta/desperate, massive turn off, but use it comically.
>Anon out
| 6 | 11 | |
1405470220 | 1405526479 | t3_2atanm | t5_2to41 | 201 | Futuramafryday: TIFU by playing Watch_Dogs
Hello all! A little background before I begin, I have a computer with a camera in my room, and I skype a lot. Normal stuff for a 20 year old. The computer faces my door, and I sit with my back to it. Ok story time
For a whole I've been trying to 100% Watch_Dogs. I decided to go do a "Privacy Invasion" mission, where you hack into a house/appartment/studio or whatever and see what's going on. Usually there's a phone or something that you can hack money out of. So, I start hacking into this place, and as soon as I get inside to take a look at the house, the in game camera points to a dude fully jerking it. It doesn't show his dick, you just see his face and hear grunts and fapping. I sat there shocked for a second, and when I went to get out of the camera, I hear from behind me "OH! Sorry!!" *SLAM* my door shut. My mother had walked in on me, watching a dude jerking it full screen. I don't know if you've played Watch_Dogs, but that shit looks REAL. She most likely thinks I was skyping a 40 year old dude watching his facial expressions as he jerked off.
I am too scared to leave my room. I have a mini fridge full of Gatorade, I plan on seeing how many days that will last me before I'm forced to leave my room.
EDIT: heard my mom call for dinner. Her exact words were "**CJ! Ava!** *kyle...* come to dinner!" I'm Kyle.
Hwy61Revisited: I have an idea, why don't you go show your mom that it was a video game so she doesn't think her son is gay and sex-skyping random dudes?
Futuramafryday: Woah woah woah that's not part of my 37 step plan to avoid my mom for the rest of my life
BobVosh: Do you have 37 gatorades?
Futuramafryday: Only 35. The other two steps are to hop out my window, then run for the rest of my life.
Wiffernubbin: Realistically. It's best if you show her it's a repeatable event in a game.
Daesyn: Because you know, repeating it is the best course of action.
Futuramafryday: "MOM LOOK: it's just a guy in a video game beating it, I don't watch real men beat it!"
St0mp3r: Is it even repeatable? I remember it's not...but I could be wrong, haven't touched it for a while.
Futuramafryday: Even if it's not, I will restart the game to prove to my mother that old men were not looking at me and jerking off.
P1xellat3d: You wouldn't even need to do that.
You could easily look up some of the Privacy Invasion scenes on YouTube.
whalezzzzZz: Better yet, just look up a video of a man jerking it.
| 12 | 16.75 | |
1405470511 | 1405775800 | t3_2atb36 | t5_2to41 | 13 | loonisaharshmistress: TIFU by wearing a thong during my period...
I decided to run 3 miles to a friend's house, chill for a bit, and then run back home. The run there went smoothly and as we were watching tv, I realized that I had forgotten to replace my tampon before I left the house. Luckily my friend had pads, so I asked for one and went to the bathroom. Then I realized that I was wearing a thong (not just any thong, but one hosting the tiniest of strings for minimal coverage), and somehow would have to not only wrap the diaper-sized pad around it, but also run three miles in my spandex booty shorts with this contraption underneath which would be noticeable to all the passersby. Most uncomfortable.run.ever.
Tampons_are_useful: .
[deleted]: Feeling cheated?
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405471049 | 1405472359 | t3_2atbyz | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking back at a girl
[removed]
assblunts: TIFU by reading this post.
ColScimitar: 2 min not getting back
| 3 | 3 | |
1405467274 | 1405527358 | t3_2at5z8 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by damaging a $14,000 piece of lab equipment.
This actually took place about a month ago...on my second day of work.
I'm a 17 year old high school student and this summer I got my first job making carbon fiber centrifuge rotors for laboratories much like [this one here.]
(http://www.thermoscientific.com/content/dam/tfs/LPG/LED/LED%20Product%20Images/Centrifuges/Centrifuge%20Rotors/Autolocking%20Superspeed%20Rotors/F177301~p.eps/jcr:content/renditions/cq5dam.thumbnail.450.450.png)
This was my first job ever so I was extremely nervous even on my second day at work.Everything was going fine until my manager, who had been showing me what to do, gave me my first task. I had seen him do it before and was confidant I could do whatever it was he needed to be done. I was instructed to go ahead and clean the rotor so that it could be sent along onto final inspection. I went to work and started cleaning the inside of the cell holes. Next, it was time to clean the outside of the rotor. I reached over the work station to grab a spray can full of a cleaning agent (I was told this would make the rotor shine) and noticed by the weight that the can was quite empty. Without thinking anything of it I raised my hand and swung the can down trying to shake whatever was left inside of it loose. Before my hand and the can reached their intended destination, my hand smashed against a hard object mid flight. Before I could look down to see what I hit (I think I knew what I had hit but needed visual confirmation) my manager, a very big and intimidating man, let out a shriek of horror. This scream was oddly reminiscent of that of a teenage girl. When I heard that...that was when I knew I had fucked up.
I looked down and my face went white. On the top of the rotor was a dime sized crack on its rim. I had no idea what to say so I didn't say anything. After a quick inspection by my manager all he could say was "Send it back, lets see what they can do about this" with a face of disappointment. This rotor was worth well over $14,000 and with that in my mind I worked quietly for the rest of the day.
lollysticky: hah!
during my education, one of the students mishandled a machine used for placing anti-bacterial pellets onto agar-plates. The lab had to send the machine for decontamination which apparently costs quite some money :)
these things happen. Just keep quiet for some time and it'll pass (hopefully :p)
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Haha, I prefer this story over the original.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1405467982 | 1405580721 | t3_2at769 | t5_2to41 | 19 | lifeguardthrow: TIFU by asking a girl for tongue
So I work as a lifeguard at a pretty large waterpark, and throughout the park there are a bunch of food vendors. Today, after my shift ended, I decided to buy a cookie at one of the snack shacks. When I was waiting in line, I noticed one of the three girls working in the shack had a green tongue, probably from eating ice cream or something. I was planning on giving her crap about it, to the effect of "Nice green tongue, dork." or something like it. Anyways, when I got to the front of the line and the cashier asked what I wanted, I accidentally told her I wanted tongue. She gave me this blank stare for about five seconds while I tried to explain to her that I really wanted a cookie, and not her tongue. But by then, the damage was done, and the two other girls working the booth overheard everything as well. hopefully none of them remember my name.
Teotwawki69: Okay, so how many Redditors exactly work as lifeguards? Or do lifeguards just FU more than other people? Because there are a lot of you in this sub lately.
lifeguardthrow: I think lifeguards have a lot more opportunities to FU than others
Teotwawki69: Or to FM*, as the case may be.
*FM: Fuck me.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1405476621 | 1405555893 | t3_2atl10 | t5_2to41 | 8 | jmettam: TIFU by Harassing a telemarketer for over 20 mins untill he finally hung the phone up.
So I've been getting these post cards in the mail like 2 and 3 times a week. It reads that they have been trying to call me for the past week and I need to contact so and so to pick up my welcome to the neighborhood parcel. So I called them up to get the post cards stopped and the ass hat on the other end says he will cancel the mailing but keeps trying to sell me some kind of in home water test scam. None of my normal tactics work to get him to feel bad about his life so I end up repeatedly trying to schedule him personally to do the test on the stipulation that he had to S my D. He declines every offer untill he finally decides he's not going to win and ends the conversation. All the while my wife is scowling at me for my behavior. Now she won't shut up about how cruel and vulgar I am towards other people just doing their job.
R15K: Sounds like it's time for a new wife to me...
jmettam: Ha
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405476853 | 1405477203 | t3_2atldv | t5_2to41 | 0 | FedoraRepublic: TIFU by not bothering to back up all my photos on iCloud or on a computer.
Lord_Havershot: It's your fault you bought an Apple product
FedoraRepublic: /r/circlejerk
| 3 | 0 | |
1405476609 | 1405530981 | t3_2atl04 | t5_2to41 | 20 | BongChong906: TIFU by leaving up porn on my laptop screen while I went to the bathroom
Tonight I decided to give in to my curiosity and was going to look at some of the weird stuff but I had to take a piss. I have a video up and ready to go, but I close the window just in case. I leave to release the yellow waterfall. I come back and my room mate is in my room with the wtf face. The window didn't close because I was downloading another porn vid for later. He came in to ask if he could use my computer and looked at my screen. He says "I didn't know you were into that shit". I try to tell him it was a pop up ad. He smirks and leaves, saying "I'll close the door". Needless to say, I jacked off anyway.
idkwhat2: Today you fucked up by not telling us what the fuck the weird shit was that you were watching.
BongChong906: It was my little pony hentai with pegging, bdsm, rapeporn, and a genderbent Jesus involved. And horses. Lots and lots of horses. I got it from Kim Jong Un's personal collection.
idkwhat2: I am really really torn between being horrified and wanting to believe you
| 4 | 5 | |
1405479632 | 1405526903 | t3_2atpt8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | TranceInMyPants813: TIFU by trying to remove hair dye.
Writing from my phone, sorry for my grammar and punctuation and shit.
Well, I'm a dumbass. This actually happend 3 nights ago, but I'm still suffering the consiquences.
So, every few months or so I get the itch to dye my hair. Nothing crazy.. just a dark brown or black with maybe a shade of red. No big deal.
Knowing how time consuming and lazy I am, I convince a friend to dye my hair for me. She did great. No spots or any thing. BUT, she managed to get some on my skin, primarily on my forehead and the back of my neck. It was late that night and I didn't really care to take alcohol LIKE A NORMAL person would do to remove the stains.
I get to work the next day and my forehead is still noticeably stained and it's really bothering me. This is when I go into full retard mode.
I find this nifty cleaning tool at work: The Magic Eraser. It's used to remove stains off walls, etc. So why the fuck would it nit work on my dye stains, right?! I begin scrubbing my skin with this thing and I can't help but notice how bad it fucking burns as I'm doing it. I get a few spots and it really IS removing the dye but GATTDAYUMM does it hurt, so I quit half way and the rest of the day I am in excruciating pain.
It's been 3 days and I still have these ugly ass burn marks all over my neck and head.
maplecat: Next time, get some cigarette ashes. My mother's hairstylist would always rub them onto dye stains for removal. It may just have been an excuse to have a break after dealing with my mother for over an hour, but it worked!
TL;DR it puts the cancer on its skin or else it gets the burns again.
TranceInMyPants813: Haha, no way?! I really hate the smell of ciggys, but I'll give it a try when I do my roots :)
maplecat: Same here, the smell and the idea is nasty to me, but it appears to work wonders! It's always good to prep your skin with vaseline before the dye comes in though... Less to clean up.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1405480225 | 1405542902 | t3_2atqqp | t5_2to41 | 110 | Fridaykhuttbasucks: TIFU by saying I bombed it
My friend and I were having a conversation about my lack of organization and bad study habits. I told her I had a math test today...
Her: Did you study?
Me: Pssh... Study...whats study?
Her: Omg... You're such an idiot?
Me: ehhh... Even If I study Im going to bomb it anyway.
Her: Whatever, your loss
* I went off to math, and took the test i knew that would result in failure*
The following day we got our scores back....
I saw my friend in the court yard that was filled with 300 or so students.
Me: HEY, YO!!! I BOMBED IT!!!
....I forgot to mention I *was* Muslim and wore a scarf
Every motherfucker turned around and gaped at me. I started walking and they all parted like I was Moses and the Red Sea.
My friend pretended she didn't hear a lick of what I said.
TL;DR: I was a terrorist for a sec.
Dongwongshmong: Would have been great if there was sudden beeping in the silent moment.
Fridaykhuttbasucks: Lol like that heart monitor girl 😂😂😭
darryshan: How did you make those emotes?
Fridaykhuttbasucks: I'm on my phone (iPhone5) so I had the emoji keyboard on that little world thing by the 123 button, and I popped those suckers up
darryshan: Fuck them. They get so annoying when you have Facebook posts like 'OMG Lee just drank some water!!!?! *crying with laughter face*'.
Fridaykhuttbasucks: Lol I get you 😭😂😭😭 ;)
| 7 | 15.714286 | |
1405480633 | 1405502021 | t3_2atrde | t5_2to41 | 23 | LilChappy: TIFU by telling my girlfriend she's fat...
Alright so here's some backstory: 1) Me and my girlfriend have a good steady relationship, and never have argued before 2) I play league of legends (online game) all day 3) I've been trying to get my gf to play league for a while. 4) We're both freshmen in highschool and she came over to my house. So here's the story: My gf is level 12, I'm level 30 (the max level). She always plays support and wants blitzcrank (a character). She didn't have enough ip (the stuff you use to buy characters) so I recommended she get alistar (a giant man-like bull). When I showed her what he looks like, she asked me why I think she should get him. I said that he's somewhat like blitzcrank but cheaper. She said "you want me to get him because you think I'm fat". I immediately said "NO, it's not that." I tried to think of a skinny character to tell her she looks like her, but I could only think of the characters that own, and I mostly had tank characters. Off the top of my idiotic blank mind I said, "You look as beautiful as Urgot." She had no idea who that was, so I thought I was fine...until she said she wanted to see what urgot looks like. As soon as I showed her, she got silent and eventually left my house and went back to her house. https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSfDxrJSmRdwUZnLRZkreg4CXvzu7VnURHPU_6sMIHiD7fBaoD2 There's what urgot looks like. She left a week ago, and I don't know what to do now.
tl;dr: Trys to tell gf she looks hot, tells her she's fat.
6romperstomper9: 3) I've been trying to get my gf to play league for a while.
3) I've been trying to get my gf to fuck me for a while.
See OP? Can you see where you fucked up?
LilChappy: Why not both? *mexican music*
6romperstomper9: No!
schurmanr34: *mexican music intensifies*
| 5 | 4.6 |
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