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1405479486 | 1405485355 | t3_2atpkj | t5_2to41 | 169 | the_shoe_fucker: TIFU by slapping my physician while holding a vaccine shot
This happened about 2 years ago and i'm posting this now since i just found this subreddit.
It was a Saturday morning and i had an appointment with a new physician my mom was trying out so *this was the first time we ever came here*. So at about 10 am, my mom drove my brother and i to the office. We all walk in and we quickly check in and in no time, i'm getting my weight checked and all that shit. The real reason why we were there were to get vaccine shots we haven't gotten in years(probably less), so my brother got his shot quick and then it was my turn on the hot seat. (But before going on any further, i just need to say my brother and i have been surprise-slapboxing each other in public places for a while now before that day so i gained some fast reflexes and a lot of paranoia along the way.) The thing is, my brother was standing behind the doctor and i couldn't see him so i let my guard down for a second. I looked to my right and shortly after, i felt a slight grasp on my left arm. So without thinking and all in one motion, i flung my arm into the physician's face yelling, "BITCHH!!" in the most funniest yet fucked up way. Right after i quickly realized that i slapped this old Slovakian physician to her knees holding a needle in her hand, later realizing she *could've fucking stabbed herself* during the fall. Now i look around only to see my mom covering her whole face and my douche brother almost tomato red trying to hold in his laughter. I then try to relieve the situation by quickly helping her up but it didnt help at all. She was shaking really hard trying to hold up the needle to give me the shot. Then when she did, she quickly got up, said goodbye and speedwalked the fuck out of there. This was now the final realization that i totally fucked up and didnt get to say sorry because at the moment, i was shocked at myself for doing such a horrible deed.
TL;DR Slapboxing with my brother eventually caused me to bitch slap an old lady
DualAxes: This is the hardest I've ever laughed on the internet.
Puka1701: Sounds like you're kind of new to the Internet!
| 3 | 56.333333 | |
1405482005 | 1405548131 | t3_2attee | t5_2to41 | 239 | mustash_cash_stash: TIFU by not changing the amazon password after breaking up with my girlfriend
If you click the link below you will the result of my fuckup...
http://imgur.com/DRIiu76
Edit: btw I'm getting progressively more drunk as I answer these.
idkwhat2: I actually really think you should get back together with this girl, she seems like a keeper.
mustash_cash_stash: I agree completely, but there's a lot of complexity that's keeping that from happening. Most specifically she hates me right now, and that's pretty much it.
idkwhat2: Well stop being a dickhead, then!
6romperstomper9: Yeah OP, go have yourself a big cup of go fuck yourself.
mustash_cash_stash: Oh no! Did I break up with you too?
6romperstomper9: No. We are still good.
mustash_cash_stash: Whew, that's good. So how's life?
6romperstomper9: It's getting a bit creepy 8}
mustash_cash_stash: Like from me or just in general? I don't want to be too clingy or anything...
6romperstomper9: Aah umm I think you better boil the kettle.
mustash_cash_stash: 2 sugars is it?
6romperstomper9: Yes. But don't stir it - I don't like it sweet. I meant so you could fill your new cup with coffee.
mustash_cash_stash: I don't get it are you British or American...I demand answers.
Edit: really the only good answer for this is that you haven't had sugar in your tea since 1982
6romperstomper9: Huh?
Edit: I don't drink tea. And I don't like my coffee sweetened.
mustash_cash_stash: You should see my new edit... But really what American puts the kettle on for coffee. And then the other part is a Shaun of the Dead reference. Sorry for the confusion mate.
6romperstomper9: I wouldn't know what Americans do to make coffee.
No worries mate!
mustash_cash_stash: So now the real question for my uneducated American self...Australian or English?
6romperstomper9: Australian.
mustash_cash_stash: Okay well FYI we typically don't put on the kettle for coffee. We actually have a boiler/hot plate that we literally call a coffee maker. It's quite archaic especially considering that we could make French press coffee easier and stronger. But whatevs. Freedom!!! America!!! Fuck yeah!!!
6romperstomper9: I use pods. What about the Americans that use 'instant'? Wouldn't they just boil the kettle or jug or whatever you call it?
Vitreus_: Being an American, yes I just boil the kettle to drink my instant coffee. Its not good coffee but its not that bad either; it is just really really mediocre. I drink it because it is cheap, easy, fast, and I drink a lot of coffee so I don't have time to make a good cup 5 times a day. It is more of a habit than a "pick me up."
So there is no misunderstanding, no restaurant or fast-food place, at-least that I know of, serves instant coffee. Its just an at home, low end, inferior good.
Starbucks does sell a line of instant coffees in stores too (at a ridiculous price). They taste better than the "Folgers" or "Maxwell House" instant coffees, but, overall, they're all pretty bad.
Not sure if I speak for typical americans, most of us, I think, use these [Keurig K-Cup Home Brewer](http://www.amazon.com/Keurig-222835-K-Cup-Home-Brewer/dp/B00390T5JA) to make their coffee at home. Either that or the [Mr. Coffee drip coffee maker](http://www.amazon.com/Mr-Coffee-12-Cup-Switch-Coffeemaker/dp/B002MVJQPA)
Do they not have instant coffee in Australia?
mustash_cash_stash: That's a fair point. I've just been so used to making coffee in a coffee maker for so many years I forgot that there are other ways to prepare it. Still I prefer drip coffee over anything else typically.
6romperstomper9: Well......OP go make yourself a big cup
| 24 | 9.958333 | |
1405484954 | 1405549888 | t3_2atxsc | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by pretending to be a retard.
Ok so first off this happened in second grade and I thought this would be the best subreddit to post my story to. Anyways in second grade I had to take a test and I thought it would be funny to get everything wrong. On the reading part of the test I was reading slow and said everything wrong. The test also had things I don't really remember that much but it had pictures and stuff too. So that was the first fuck up. The second that definitely didn't help my case was on my birthday I got a pocketknife. In my head at the time I thought all my friends would be jealous so I brought the knife into school for show and tell causing the school to go into full lockdown and I getting me suspended. From the end of second grade all the why to eight grade I was in special ed. Not the special ed with autism kids the other class with the ADHD fuck ups. Ok so the third was the fact that I had a slight case of add causing me to be super energetic and getting into tons of trouble. I got suspended at least once a year and had bad grades. So right now I'm a junior in high school taking half sophomore classes and half junior classes with two teachers in the room. I also just found out that due to my previous history they won't allow me to study the subject I want to which is animation and motion graphic design. So yeah over the years this has put a lot of stress on me just because I was a stupid kid. So naturally I ate a shit ton of food from the stress causing me to become slightly obese and I've been lacking confidence in just about everything I do since the past two or three years. I really wish I could've been smarter about the things I've done in the past but I guess I'm just fucked.
weirdvaginameat: I don't think that you are totally fucked, just a little set back.
First of all, it is never too late to learn/study what interests you. I believe you could be a kickass animator, and you don't need your school or really any authority figure to say what you can and can't be good at.
Secondly, you are young still. Just because you fucked up once or twice as a kid does not mean you will always be a fuck-up. After you graduate and/or leave that awful place no one will know or even care about some dumb mistakes you made in the second grade. Every person on this planet does dumb shit they regret.
If you feel like your history is following you, use it as a motivational tool: prove them wrong. You are not a fuck-up if you don't want to be and you have it in you to be exceptional.
Lastly, confidence has a cyclical component. the less confident you feel, the less confident you seem, which in turn makes you feel even less confident. But it works the other way also. Faking confidence (especially when you feel much less than sure of yourself) makes you seem more confident and eventually, if you believe it, will actually inspire your own confidence.
Sorry, I know this isn't r/getmotivated or one of those subs, I just thought I recognized some pain and wanted to reach out.
tl;dr: a fuck-up isn't the end of the world, fake it til you make it.
youatowel: Thanks that does help a bit :)
weirdvaginameat: I'm glad it could help, even if it's only a very little. I've done some pretty stupid stuff in the past, (actually I'm still constantly making poor choices) and constantly reminding yourself how dumb you are is no fun. It's easy tell you to not think about it, but it's harder to actually move on if you dwell on the events of the past like you can change them. Live for the future. You'll do great.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1405484050 | 1405516402 | t3_2atwir | t5_2to41 | 13 | nerdunderwraps: TIFU by cuming to loudly
I spend a fair amount of time at my SO's house, and we like to get it on when we can. So we're goin at it, it's been 2 days since we've seen eachother so I'm pretty excited and I start moaning into the covers. We finish, and my SO goes to the kitchen to get some water, at which point his 14 year old brother asks that we turn the humidifier on before we fuck because I'm too loud.
Now I can't look him in the face and my SO died laughing on the floor.
We've been together a year so.... he's been suffering for a while I guess.
nickf579: A whole 2 days? Wow I could never go that long without seeing my girlfriend.
John_connersbrother: really?
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405474617 | 1405516799 | t3_2athq0 | t5_2to41 | 21 | mcdtifu: TIFU By causing a mentally challenged person to freak the f%ck out.
This happened a number of years ago when I was in middle school. Remember the Monopoly game at McDonald’s? I don’t know if this still happens as I haven’t been there in years.
I realized that I could get extra game pieces by poking a hole in the bottom of my drink cup (I am sure I was not the only person to do this and do not think I invented this scam). When I went up for a refill, they had no choice but to grab another cup which then gave me some more game pieces. I scored some free items (some game pieces were instant item winners) in this fashion throughout the promotion for a couple of years.
Now for the f-up. During the 3rd or 4th year of this promotion, I was in the middle of a great run. I got the satisfaction of running a harmless scam and enjoying the rewards without being punished. Life for middle school me was going great. My buddies were started pulling the same scam all over town. They thought it was genius. So did I, until this fateful moment.
I quickly ate my original order and finished my soda. I was still hungry and hoping for some free fries or a burger. I rocked to the counter and patiently waited on line for my turn. I handed the gal behind the counter my cup with a larger hole than I normally poke in the bottom because I had to use a pen this time. Usually what happened in the past was that the employee would notice the leak straight away and quickly handle it. They then would grab a new cup and I would be on my way back to my table to see what I just won.
While dreaming about what prizes would be revealed on my new cup, I froze in panic because I realized this situation was about to get out of control this time.
Rather than refill the cup up herself, that gal helping me proceeded to hand it to a mentally disabled employee to administer the refill. I thought about stopping her and telling the truth but my adolescent brain was not prepared to admit my guilty actions. I stood there in horror as the dude went merrily about his task. The orange soda that went into the opening of the cup started pouring out the bottom. I was hoping he wouldn’t notice.
As you can guess, due to my posting here, he did indeed notice. His ear-to-ear grin quickly vanished as he completely lost his sh#t. He had no idea how to handle this situation and his subsequent freakout drew the attention of everyone waiting on line.
The exact details of the freakout are lost to memory’s haze. I do remember him crying and yelling. A couple of his co-workers, including the cashier helping me, went to his rescue. By this time, there was orange soda was all over the floor in front of the soda machine. One employee tried calming him down, another grabbed the mop and the gal helping me filled up a new cup.
He had no idea why there was soda everywhere and completely thought it was his fault (judging by his reaction). The gal brought the cup over and was not impressed. She knew what I had done and her scowl made everyone else nearby realize that this was no accident.
As he continued to cry and apologize to his coworkers, I took my cup and walked back to my table with shame. Thankfully the adults with us were non-the wiser to what had just happened. This was the last time I pulled this particular scam.
I used a throwaway as I am still ashamed about what I did.
EDIT: TL;DR: Pulled a scam to win free Mickey D's by poking a hole in the bottom of a cup I intended to refill. Mentally challenged person filled the cup. Hilarity did not ensue.
Aleastor: Well... Did you win?
Seriously though that wasn't to bad, you certainly didn't intend for a situation like that to happen.
mcdtifu: I can't remember if I won anything. I think there were just two game common pieces. It wasn't too bad but I certainly did cause it.
| 3 | 7 | |
1405485233 | 1405584363 | t3_2aty67 | t5_2to41 | 6 | oh-god-the-smell: TIFU by almost destroying my new bathroom NSFW
ZeeyardSA: EISH
oh-god-the-smell: i think you mean PUSH
ZeeyardSA: Nope Eish!!!
Im south African Bru
Used in South African English and Afrikaans to express exasperation or disbelief. The word was first transliterated from the Xhosa language to Afrikaans, and then into South African English.
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/eish
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=eish
oh-god-the-smell: Jesus ya didn't need to go full rage
ZeeyardSA: lols
| 6 | 1 | |
1405493652 | 1405521026 | t3_2au7we | t5_2to41 | 95 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my asshole
This happened just a few minutes ago. The area around my asshole was getting quite wild so I decided I needed a shave. I don't usually shave there so I had no idea what I was doing. Next thing I know there's quite a lot of blood but it was only a flesh wound so I thought nothing of it. 30 minutes later I'm rushing to my bathroom because I had a huge bowl of ice cream earlier and it's time had come. I was blowing chunks and my asshole was burning unbearable. Then I remembered that I had just shaved and had open wounds for my fecal matter to infect. I rushed to my bathtub to clean it off and caked neosporin all over. I have no idea if I'm fucked or not.
6romperstomper9: Take off your pants, lie on back with legs touching floor behind your head. Your arse is pointing upwards. Now....pour a full bottle of vinegar on your freckle.
MarkGruffallo: Follow up with a bottle of cheap whiskey.
DLundquist13: Then a Cigarette...
ajarofmarmalade: Sounds like a normal night out to me
| 5 | 19 | |
1405494538 | 1405579029 | t3_2au8sa | t5_2to41 | 1,109 | elijahssenpai: TIFU by having sex with a psychopath
Well here goes. This all started less than two weeks ago but today I realized I fucked up. I'm a 22 year old male and shes 37. We met through a new friend of mine and started talking. That lasted almost a week. Then 5 days ago we had sex..... within 2 days shes saying I love you and you belong to me. Shes also telling me who I'm allowed to talk to or text. This especially includes female friends. She said I love you over text 48 times today. I think i stuck my dick in crazy.
Suff0c8r: Hate to be a dick, but that ain't a psychopath. Batshit crazy? Fuck yes. Psychopath? No. You probably WANT to have a one nighter with one of those...no emotional connection, just sex.
kgwolfgang92: Isn't that a sociopath? I thought psychopaths were the ones who got a killy and shit.
chocki305: psy·cho·path: a person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behavior.
so·ci·o·path: a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.
[Here](http://www.diffen.com/difference/Psychopath_vs_Sociopath) is a site that has a nice table showing the differences.
ThegreatPee: Well, looks like Reddit is full of Sociopaths. I don't think anyone is surprised.
Mrsylvestermcbean: Nah that's the kind of bullshit that happens with obsessive-compulsive disorder. First of all, if you believe you have this shit, go to a mental health professional and try to find out. If you say you have OCD or antisocial or bipolar or whatever, but you haven't actually been diagnosed with it by a professional, it's more likely you're just an asshole.
Living with these kinds of conditions is hard. /u/poem_for_your_sprog wrote a great poem (as usual) about OCD recently [here] (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/29qfnm/what_common_misconceptions_really_irk_you/cinik24). I really don't like it when folks trivialize this stuff because it impacts every fucking bit of your life. It may be cute to act like you have no conscience, maybe it makes you feel tough or some shit. Really living life without empathy sucks ass.
[deleted]: The current thought on sociopathy is not that it is impossible for sociopaths to empathaise, but that they are capable of turning it on and off, of choosing whether or not something is worthy of empathy.
arcainic: Doesn't everybody do that? I try to not let the cries of starving African children ruin my ice cream.
[deleted]: I guess that what I mean is that sociopaths have a much more developed capability than other people.
arcainic: I grow stronger from the suffering of others, does that count?
[deleted]: Is that how your Pokemon powers work?
arcainic: Pokemon Power: Kek - whenever opponent's active Pokemon takes damage, my player may search his deck for a colorless energy and attach it to me.
| 12 | 92.416667 | |
1405493228 | 1405534915 | t3_2au7gf | t5_2to41 | 1,272 | dopertoper: TIFU by watching porn on my 60"
*TIFU*, well; it was more a contribution of various fuck-ups from the past week.
Anyways: About a week ago I went to go lay out in my backyard to try to get some Vitamin D and a little tan. I turn pandora on on my blueray player inside (set it to some CTE radio!), and tweak the settings for the music to play from the speakers in my backyard. Usually I just use my phone for music, but it was dead and I've seen my sister play pandora on the outside speakers many times before.
Fast forward to yesterday afternoon around *3:00 pm*.
My parents are both out (work, shopping), my older sister is at her boyfriends, and my little sister is at a friends. Well I'm feeling a little spontaneous watching TV; as well as a wee bit horny. At this moment I realize how stupid I am for have never tried watching porn on my 60" flat screen. I turn on the blueray player, open a web-browser, and start up the usual fap routines. I finish, walk around the house in the nude for a bit, and then decide to play some video games, thankful my risky session had not been interrupted by any uninvited visitors.
I make sure I left behind no clues, objects, or lotions that would arise suspicion from my parents; being I just fapped on their $4,000 leather couch. I go to bed and the next day I awake with an ambition to go for a swim in my pool outback. My mom is watching Orange is the New Black (a new favorite of hers; not quite so for my dad) on the 60" downstairs, so I greet her and head outside. When I opened the door to the yard I FROZE.
From outside I heard Orange is the New Black blasting; full volume. But how is this possible, it didn't sound that loud even from inside?
**..FUCK..**
I left the damn speakers on outside from my tan. That means the 30 minutes of sexual moans, grunts, and all other kinky sounds coming from my TV yesterday was also being played outside; **FULL** FUCKING **BLAST**.
I live in the typical suburban high-end rich family neigborhood, *aaaand* its summer. There hasn't been a day where I've seen at least one or two families nearby swimming in their pools. I can't put out the possibility that at least a couple children or parents heard, and now consider my family a bunch of sick fucks. I usually skate A LOT out front but I can't bring myself to even say hi to my neighbors now. What I'm fearing worse is that my parents are confronted under the assumption it was THEM playing the "sounds".
**got rid of TL;DR because I supposedly don't know how to correctly write one, sorry!**
**UPDATE:**
Hey guys it's me, left this alone late last night and just hopped on to see my VERY FIRST POST on le reddit has gotten massive response!
As for the: "Brags too deeply about wealth" "and "too much description on the TV and couch" ; I'm sorry for being attentive to detail, but being in Honors English over the years has taught me to leave NO details out. I'm just a very descriptive writer, always have been since I started writing a lot in junior high.
I'm glad to see at least some of you have gotten a laugh out of my little conundrum, so I will be answering any questions or suspicions for fun (as I have nothing to do right now) for about the next 30 minutes. Thanks guys!
worriedgirl1796: you sound rich enough why not just use your allowance money hire a high class escort or something?
duff-man02: In my Case, my mum checks my credit card statements sometimes, so I couldn't do that unnoticed. My parents usually aren't suspicious when I ask them for additional money, but every once in a while they'll ask what I need it for and proof. Bottom line is that in my case this would be too risky to sacrifice a perfect relationship with rich parents.
foggyforests: I really hope you're just joking...
duff-man02: Why? I'm not joking.
foggyforests: I guess I just wish I was that spoiled..
Aj45: It sounds like they spend their own money, which their parents track, and they give them a little cash every now and then if they tell them what it's for. Yeah, it's a privilege not everyone has, but it doesn't really sound like they're some spoiled brat who gets whatever they ask for.
foggyforests: > In my Case, my mum checks my credit card statements sometimes, so I couldn't do that unnoticed.
Nope, they don't spend their own money here... mommy and daddy pay for credit card. why else would they check the statements.
>My parents usually aren't suspicious when I ask them for additional money, but every once in a while they'll ask what I need it for and proof.
He mentions "additional money" which sounds like they give him money, then when he spends too much he can also ask them for more. So again, no, he's not spending his own money. Unless you call the allowance his own.
>Bottom line is that in my case this would be too risky to sacrifice a perfect relationship with rich parents.
Cherry on top.
Edit: Oh, and i never *said* they were a brat. Just spoiled. There is a difference.
Aj45: Yeah the only reason I thought it was his was because why would they give him additional money if they already give him a credit card. But even then, it's not his fault for being born to rich parents. What's wrong with taking advantage of what's given to you as long as you realize it isn't something you're entitled to and you appreciate it?
foggyforests: Like i said, I'm just not used to being that spoiled. I'm sure some people who grow up this way don't grow up to be entitled little fuckers that don't understand the value of a dollar, but I am willing to bet this is not one of those times. I wonder if he knows what a minimum wage job feels like?
Just my thoughts :)
edit: my wording is pissing people off. this is funny.
I believe the only reason I am as jaded over this as I am is because I have many friends that come from well off families that literally do nothing. They eat for free, sleep for free, go to college for free, bitch about what little work their parents might make them do, bitch when they graduate because they might have to get a real job, bitch when their car is out of gas and their parents won't give them money.
So really, if you're commenting back to me... I'm probably just going to assume you're one of these people with such a terrible life.
SorryNotSorry1337: >entitled little fuckers that don't understand the value of a dollar
holy shit, you seem like such an asshole. stop being so jealous and maybe go get educated so you dont have to work minimum wage. If you live in a first world country its most likely your own fault that you're on minimum wage.
foggyforests: I have a wonderful job, definitely not minimum wage, but thanks? I'm not sure where you got that from? I never mentioned anything about my life other than not being rich as a kid.
It seems like I'm pissing off all the rich teenies here on reddit. This is pretty hilarious.
SorryNotSorry1337: No, you're just being a straight up douche to OP. There's more to life than money, however you seem to need money the most as you do seem quite jealous.
foggyforests: lol and now we're getting philosophical... "there's more to life than money" yeah. okay. because *that's* what I was getting at. jeebus...
you're right, i'm jealous because I was taught how to work for what I have. I'm not proud of everything I've worked for in life. /s
I'm tired of people having things handed to them. I suppose that means I need money, according to you anyway.
That must make me jealous. Really.
SorryNotSorry1337: >I'm tired of people having things handed to them.
A statement of a jealous person.
foggyforests: no, i would say jaded. pissed off. pessimistic even. but definitely not jealous.
I like working, getting my hands dirty, and seeing the accomplishments that I have created for myself with the help of others.
Call it what you want it I guess.
| 16 | 79.5 | |
1405495239 | 1405503104 | t3_2au9fc | t5_2to41 | 48 | Its_Barry: TIFU...Tasted customers Breast Milk (By Accident)
Back story: I work for a small expediting company, I handle a lot of the loading and unloading aspect of things, a customer showed up super late in the day (we were expecting her but a lot earlier) while my partner was on a run and I needed to get the vehicle loaded.
She's mid 30's and had her two toddlers with her and offered/tried to help although I'd told her I'd do it myself approx 1000lbs of shit to move. So she was cleaning out the inside of her truck onto the pavement all kinds of crap everywhere and I'd just finished the bulk of the loading and figured I'd help her get this stuff into boxes...here's where it got weird.
She and I are on our knees facing each other making small talk picking up stuff while her kids are playing with some toys. Shes looking at me asking a question as I picked up a baby's bottle... I grabbed it from the bottom, it was maybe a quarter full and I didn't realize there was a hole in the top kind of chewed out so the way I grabbed it milk went all the way up my shirt to my face and even some in my mouth. I was just like "oh god" Her face changed immediately as her question trailed off into awkwardness and we both solemnly acknowledged what just happened.
I figured it was breast milk not only by her reaction but by the fact she had been breast feeding one of the toddlers while I was loading the main gear not 10 min before my incident. In my head I was just like oh man that was weird but we both seemed to think it was kind of funny. My partner got back early and helped finish the packing and we were over the awkward bit fairly quick but I still feel this is worthy of a TIFU...maybe will cross post into /r/Talesfromretail as well.
TLDR> Picked up a babys bottle off the ground weird N got breast milk in my mouth!
[deleted]: I learned a long time ago that if you're gonna work with the public, occasionally you're going to get some of their bodily fluids in your mouth...Oh well.
donaldtrumpwinning: what kind of public work do you do? and what kind of fluids have you tasted?
That_One_COLOUR: Worked as a server for a long time. Kneeled by a table to maintain eye level with guests. Demon child spits on my face and mouth.
Never. Kneeled. Again.
donaldtrumpwinning: oh fuck yuck
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1405497075 | 1405538625 | t3_2aub1w | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too high to order food
So this morning, I had a shitty day at work. I work at a burger restaurant, and I spilled the grease trap all over the floor and myself. One of my friends who I work with, we'll call him Lee, helped me clean up the huge mess, so we got off work about an hour after we were supposed to. We had also told one of our good friends, we'll call him Jim, that we would go to the high school softball game with him. It was about 5 then, and Jim was picking us up from our houses at 6. After we both clock out and walk out to the parking lot, Lee told me that his parents were gone and that he had smoked a ton of weed the night before because they weren't there. I asked if we could get stoned for the softball game because weed would cheer me up from my bad mood. I lived about five minutes away from Lee, so I went home, changed, and headed over to Lee's house. I walk inside downstairs to his room. He was down there jamming out and loading a bowl when I got there. Before we get to the good part, let me tell you that I love to get high every now and then and chill out and listen to some good music, but Lee liked to smoke and get high out of his mind. He packed a couple bowls, and we smoked all of them. I smoked way more than I actually should have smoked, but I was ready to have a fun car ride with my friends. Jim pulled up, so we got in. Ten minutes in the car, I wasn't feeling high at all, so I looked to Lee, who had a huge smile on his face and he asked if I was high. I told him no, and he said he was really high. Five minutes later, I still didn't feel anything so I sat back and listened to the music. As soon as I leaned back, it hit me. I giggled about everything and I was crazy high. I had probably only been this high one other time, and I was loving it. An hour and a half later, we were arriving and we had time to eat. Jim said there was a Taco Johns and a McDonalds, so Lee and Jim both wanted to go to Taco Johns. I agreed, and as we were pulling in, I remembered the last time I ate Taco Johns. The last time I had been to Taco Johns, I was coming home from a high school tennis meet and I got food poisoning and ended up destroying a BK toilet and throwing up twice on the bus ride home. I didn't want to make my friends go to McDonalds if they didn't want to, plus I really had the munchies, I agreed to Taco Johns. As we got there, I was last in line. My friends ordered and it was my turn. I walk up and the person at the register asked what I wanted. I had been smiling and listening to the music in line, so I hadn't even thought about what I wanted. In my high stupidness, I mumbled almost silently, "Taco." She must not have understood me and asked, "One small drink?" I froze up and mumbled something. I think I just like made a sound. She looked at me, paused, and said, "Okay? That's $1.98 for the small drink." I freaked and got all paranoid because I remembered that my eyes were probably red and glazed over, so this lady could totally tell I was high. I said, "Two?" asking if $2 works (because I was high and couldn't think). She stared back at me probably thinking that I was dumb as shit and said, "Yes. Two. Two dollars." I accidentally handed her three. She gave me one back and shook her head. I grabbed my drink and went and sat down. My friends looked at me blankly and asked why I didn’t get any food because they knew I was hungry and I didn’t get anything. Then I remembered I was extremely hungry, so I went up again. When the lady asked if I needed anything, I froze up and said no. I went to the bathroom instead and never ended up getting any food. I was so hungry later.
Voyager5555: "weed would cheer me up from my bad mood"
That's not the way it works, weed is an emotion enhancer, not a happy pill.
XPVids: It obviously worked in OP's situation....
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405502491 | 1405535480 | t3_2aufdb | t5_2to41 | 17 | MKimmmayyy: TIFU by peeing in a bottle in the middle of a traffic jam in the middle of the highway
A couple of years ago, I fucked up. My grandparents, my cousin, my sister and I were coming back from a trip and we ended up on the highway. I was desperately needing to pee so fucking bad that my balls were aching from trying to hold it in. I had to put my mind on other things so I decided to read out the whole packaging of these chips. I started singing them in a tune and it made my cousin start giggling to death. Anyways we continued driving on the highway but the fucking traffic wouldn't move because it was so god damn packed. I was about to burst but I couldn't fucking piss in the back of my grandpa's car so I grabbed the fucking juice bottle that we had drunk from before, opened the lid and took the best piss of my life. However that wasn't the end, my cousin was still laughing like crazy and then after smelling the piss, she fucking vomited all over the back of my grandparent's car which was all of my fault. We had to park in the very middle of the highway whilst my grandpa had to get fucking green and chunky vomit all off of his car. It was in the middle of Summer as well which made it one billion times worse because we couldn't use the air conditioner in the car until it was all cleaned. My grandpa was so fucking pissed at me, but I wouldn't have blamed him. It was so fucking embarrassing having everyone look at us Lol. It was fucking disgusting and then to add insult to the injury, I accidentally dropped the bottle and my piss spilled all over his tyres. I fucked up real bad...
yottskry: Do you have to use "fucking" so many times? I'm all for swearing to make a point, but you use it so often it just makes you seem like you're about 14 years old.
AlkaiserSoze: OP seems to post in the competitive CoD subreddit so it could be worse, honestly.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1405507880 | 1405526820 | t3_2auh1n | t5_2to41 | 31 | worldwidechoppers: He has an infinite source of water in the creek and we leave him outside all the time, he cries to go outside often.
Seriously though, go fuck yourself.
Eat_The_Muffin: Prioritise your life
Life of family > Sitting in a dark room
Pechkin99: Cat > Sitting in a dark room > Life of family
Eat_The_Muffin: Cat = Family
Therefore Cat > Cat
Pechkin99: I think it should be
Cat > Therefore Cat
mayeslad: Therefore > cat cat
Pechkin99: Cat therefore > Therefore
whalezzzzZz: Cocks.
Pechkin99: Cocks > Hens
| 9 | 3.444444 | |
1405506696 | 1405514310 | t3_2auiyj | t5_2to41 | 41 | LJW1: TIFU by offending the lady at the petrol station.
A couple of weeks ago I was in my local petrol station to fill my car up. As I approach the till to pay, the lady serving asks someone behind me if they are having a nice day. I presumed it was someone in the shop that she personally knew, never in my life has someone who works at petrol station wanted to know how MY day is going.
After a few seconds of awkward silence, I turn around to see absolutely no one behind me. Then it dawned on me that she had in fact asked me, and that she wasn't looking behind me, she just had a massively lazy eye.
"You thought I was looking behind you, didn't you?" She softly, sadly proclaimed.
"hmmmmhh" was all I could muster as I turned and promptly left the buliding.
mrdrm1000: If it makes you feel any better, I think you nailed the response. ''Hmmmmhh'' is just about the only thing you can say in that situation :)
LJW1: My reaction was basically this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFxwXLmqaNc
mrdrm1000: Love it :)
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1405512626 | 1405608616 | t3_2auoj5 | t5_2to41 | 139 | Xilenced: TIFU by driving slower in front of a tailgating SUV
I was driving up a hill near my apartment and had an SUV nearly touching my rear bumper, apparently displeased with the fact I was doing 40 in a 35. I slowed to 30, he tried to cross the double yellows, but couldn't because of incoming traffic. I got back up to 40, but white SUV wasn't having any more of my shit. He continued tailgating, somehow even closer.
At his first opportunity, he swung around, over the double yellow lines, and cut me off with inches to spare. I immediately slowed, and he tried to force me to crash in to him by slamming on his brakes.
I avoided him by serving around. He was halfway out of his car and screaming something unintelligible at me. I gave him a one finger salute, continuing on my merry way. At the light at the top of the hill, I came to a stop, checking for traffic. He pulled up behind me, jumped out, ran over, and began punching me in the face through my open window, screaming obscenities in what sounded like Russian.
I managed to get the car in first, but jumped a foot or so forward and stalled the car. He fell on his ass. He got back up and went right back to punching me in the face.
I finally got the car started, pulled around the corner and gunned the engine. I passed my apartment building, not wanting him to follow me there. Called the cops. I watched him drive past 2 times, while I was talking to the police. All in all, not fun.
KevinRLim: Fuck that guy. Did you happen to get his license plate?
Xilenced: Like I told /u/MilesGates, my first thought after the ordeal was that I need a dashcam. I didn't read his license plate during the few seconds he was in front of me.
Skultis: Also live outside seattle. Can confirm that our drivers are batshit crazy. Can also confirm it is hotter than normal, and keeping windows shut is not an option right now.
RockChalkJHawkGoKU: Have you smelly hipsters ever heard of this new technology called air conditioning?
Skultis: Ok, so anyone from seattle is a hipster? I'm guessing you're from alabama, and it must be hard to watch the news about seattle while your sister-wife is smacking your nephew-son around. Now that we're both done making up facts, let's move forward.
RockChalkJHawkGoKU: http://i.imgur.com/zrW0IH9.png
Skultis: Lmao. That's the best you can come up with? But on a side note, you made me laugh. You need to animate something on that. xD
Skultis: And so you have your friends downvote me and upvote you. And you make it COMPLETELY obvious. You are the noobiest of trolls ever. xD
| 9 | 15.444444 | |
1405512581 | 1405539819 | t3_2auoh7 | t5_2to41 | 28 | MarkGruffallo: TIFU By farting in the airport carpark
This probably happened on Monday or Tuesday, but I'm jet lagged so it might as well have happened today.
Let me preface this with the fact that I suffer from IBS that is aggravated by stress, I get super stressed out on flights and I had just flown into London from NY.
After we landed and I had gotten through the security and rushed to the toilet to relieve some stomach cramps. All that came out was air but that's nothing unusual really and it helped a lot. After getting myself comfortable I went and sat in the coffee shop and waited for my sister to arrive to pick me up.
When she turned up I offered to pay for her parking, since that's a nice thing to do. Unfortunately, just as I got to the payment machine I felt my cramps again. I thought I would be clever and make my sister laugh by farting as I bent down to pick up my case. I let it rip and it practically shook the building. My sister didn't laugh. In fact, she looked horrified.
I turned around, and saw an elderly asian lady standing behind me. I'm not sure if she didn't notice or was just trying to be polite because she just gave me a polite smile and moved past me to use the machine.
I feel super bad about it. I'm not embarrassed, it's something that had to be done and it's natural, but I feel really bad for the way I did it and I hope that old lady didn't think I was purposefully trying to fart on her.
TL;DR: Farted in an old lady's face.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: At least you'll never see the Asian lady again?
I learned that girls don't find farts funny once you leave like 3rd grade. Even then they don't find it that funny.
Get the next one.
eatspam88: My wife and daughter would beg to differ.
swotam: Agreed, my 4 year old daughter thinks that burps and farts are the funniest thing ever.
I have trained my Padawan well...
| 4 | 7 | |
1405514417 | 1405543685 | t3_2auqje | t5_2to41 | 516 | Oriyagi: TIFU By making myself out to be a stalker
This happened a few years ago but the "craziest small world" post on askreddit reminded me. Since I was late, I'm posting here.
In my senior year of high school I was talking to some girl who lived a town over(but went to my high school) on OKCUPID. We had been chatting for a few weeks when one day she tells me she'll message me later because she has to go babysit.
So, sure enough I get a message awhile later and she says she's over babysitting off 12th st. I lived on 12th street! So I ask her if it was in my town or hers. She says mine. No... Can't be.I called her up I asked her the cross street. She gave me the one my house was on the corner of. So she's a little taken aback at why I'm asking and so I tell her I live right there. She didn't believe me and thought I was being creepy and trying to find her or something. I told her I was being serious and that I had no reason to lie but she wasn't having it and hung up. Guess she was a **little** freaked out. Oh well. I just dropped it and went to my room for awhile before my dad called me and asked em to check if his package off amazon arrived. So I check outside, nothing. I figured it was maybe in the mailbox, and walked down the drive-way and around the hedges to check. Now, our mailbox was right next to my neighbors so I had to walk over in front of their driveway to check. After I check the mailbox and took the package my phone started vibrating in my pocket. "DID YOU FUCKING FOLLOW ME?" Uhh... What? I look up and peeking out the window of my neighbors house is the girl from OKCUPID. "Wait is that you? Holy shit. You're next door?! I live right over here! What are the odds..."
She wasn't having it. I was **clearly** stalking her. She told me she was calling the police and hung up. I grabbed the box and walked back inside not sure if she was serious. About five minutes later I hear a car pull up and a pair of cops go to the neighbors house. So I'm just there weirded out by how surreal the whole thing was waiting for cops to come knock on the door. A few minutes later I hear them pounding and go over to them. They ask if the homeowner is there, and I tell them no, I'm the only one home. So they start asking me these questions that are geared toward finding out if I really lived there or if I had the homeowner bound in duct tape in a closet. They asked me to look around and I told them no, that they had no reason to look inside. They told me they just wanted to see if everyone inside was alright. I told them I was alone. They said they still wanted to look at which point I had enough of being prodded by them and asked what they were told so that I might clear things up.
Apparently, they had received a call that a girl who was babysitting in a house of a relative had someone stalk her from online, show up outside the house she was at, steal the neighbors mail, and then force their way into the home of the neighbor. I didn't know what to do but laugh at the crazy story they had been fed. I explained to them what happened and they seemed to believe me more than they did her, especially since the amazon package was right behind me and the last name on the package matched mine. They went back over to talk to the girl and see if it would give them anything more to go on. Awhile later they came back and told me that they would have an officer stay outside the house she was at to make her feel safe. A few hours later I explained it to my sister and my dad when they got back and asked about the police car outside. My dad laughed, and my sister promptly went to go find and laugh at my OKCUPID profile. Saw the girl at school a few times, but never anything more than passing and getting dirty looks.
**TL;DR:Met girl on OKCUPID. She was next door babysitting one day. She called the cops thinking I was stalking her when i went to check the mail.**
MoreTeaWesley: Wow, what a crazy bitch. So she pads the hell out of her story to the cops to make you look dangerous and like a stalker, and ever AFTER you explained and the cops told her she was wrong she still continued to be shitty to you? Some girls just want drama and insanity, she seems like one of them.
UnicornOfHate: She didn't pad her story. She saw him outside the house, get the mail from in front of the house she was in, and then show up inside the house right next door. Those were the actions she told the cops about, and they all actually happened. It's just that her interpretation of what was happening was totally wrong. The crazy/paranoid part was that she refused to believe that he actually lived there.
IndustrialPopsicle: Definitely padded though.
>they had received a call that a girl who was babysitting in a house of a relative had someone stalk her from online, show up outside the house she was at, steal the neighbors mail, and then force their way into the home of the neighbor.
This clearly makes OP out to be the bad guy, even when she had no way of knowing if these were even true. You cannot claim that this is what she observed because she could not have observed OP 'forcing his way into the home of the neighbor'.
Furthermore, she didn't know he was actually a stalker. She assumed. If she DIDN'T pad her story, it would have been like:
> I met this guy online, and while babysitting I told him my address. He suddenly shows up and claims he lives next door. He grabbed the neighbor's mail and went inside the house. I don't know if he actually lives there or not so I feel unsafe.
The way she framed the story made OP seem guilty from the get-go.
UnicornOfHate: I'm not disagreeing that her interpretation of events was wrong and stupid. In fact, that was my point. But "padding" is making up stuff that didn't happen. She never tells them anything that didn't happen, she just totally misinterpreted the events she witnessed.
She was totally convinced he was following her and wasn't telling the truth about living there. When he shows up in the house next door, instead of realizing that he actually *did* live there (as a rational person would), she continued to believe that he didn't. In that case, he must have forced his way into that house somehow.
Making assumptions isn't padding, that's just what people do. Her assumptions were just totally wrong, and she never questioned them even when she should have.
[deleted]: I'm with you on this one. As far as she knew, it was some creepy stalker. Seriously- what are the chances that the same dude lived exactly across from where she was babysitting, and why was he looking into the mail of somebody else's house?
The only thing that makes her a bitch is not relenting when the cops confirmed that it was, in fact, his house, and it was all just coincidence.
Unless this story is all bullshit anyway like 90% of /r/TIFU is.
UnicornOfHate: I don't think she was justified at all in believing he was a stalker. He had told her he lived around there- she should have realized that he was telling the truth. The scenario she built in her head was ridiculous.
[deleted]: Well it is pretty suspicious. Seriously. You meet somebody online and they claim that they live exactly where you're babysitting... What are the chances?
I've been stalked online before and they used lines *just* like that. Especially when trying to figure out where I lived.
| 8 | 64.5 | |
1405466741 | 1405529354 | t3_2at51y | t5_2to41 | 14 | weedkeeper: TIFU by accidentally paying my co worker with weed
I work at a golf course. I also like to get stoned. Every morning I empty trash bins and refill water jugs on our Par 3. One of the tees is obscured by surrounding trees and faces down a massive hill into lush fairway and pristine green. It's really a sight to behold, especially when you consider that I'm usually there around 6:00 AM. If I smoke, that's typically my spot of choice.
Last night I went to a concert and had a little baggy of pot in my pocket. After I got home, I just threw my shorts aside to wear to work today. And so I slapped on those same shorts, ignorant to the pot in my pocket, and threw in a couple bucks to buy an energy drink.
I arrive, clock in, do some weedeating (no really, like, with a trimmer), buy my energy drink, and down it while taking a shit. I then hop in my cart and head onto the course. Eventually I get to the aforementioned spot and reach into my pocket, which was empty.
Well, fuck.
I haul ass back up top to scan the area I trimmed, peek into the shitter to no avail, and head into the main building. After instant eye contact with the girl who rang me up earlier, my butthole puckered. I put two and two together; I had blindly grabbed whatever was in my pocket and in turn accidentally given her my drugs.
Her: "Hey, you uh, gave me a little extra for that drink earlier."
Me: *OH GOD FUCK WHY* "Uhh yeah I suppose I did! I fucked up, yes."
Her: "Well, I wasn't sure what it was, sooo I just kinda put it in the maintenance mailbox so nobody would see it."
Me: "Alright, let's just sorta sweep that under the wraps. Thanks. Sorry for that." *Smooth shit, dipwad.*
So what else can a man do but go back to his spot and light up? I mean fuck, that was hands-down the stupidest fucking thing I've ever done involving pot. Shit was stressful.
forte_bass: If she put your green in the box and then told you where to find it, she obviously isn't trying to get you in trouble.
You should casually ask her to join you on the par 3 some morning to watch the sunrise. While you have her out there, feel out the topic, and if she seems interested, pass her your piece. If not, no harm, no foul. New friend either way!
R15K: Yeah dude's looking at this entirely wrong, this is a chance to make a new friend with what sounds like a decent person.
Also, only users lose drugs.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1405512977 | 1405683228 | t3_2auowz | t5_2to41 | 2,385 | ginger_binge: TIFU by accidentally red-winging myself (NSFW)
I’ve been on Implanon as a form of birth control for nearly two years now. The first year, everything came up daisies, but the second has been disastrous. A large part of why I’ve used hormonal birth control in some form for over a decade is because I despise periods. To some, they’re a bittersweet indicator that the sufferer isn’t pregnant for another month. For me, they’re just a hassle and maybe a pair of ruined panties.
Over the past week or so, I’ve experienced some light bleeding. It was nothing significant, and it seemed to have stopped by yesterday, so when my FWB invited me to spend the night, I headed over for some routine sex and a cuddle. I call it routine because we have it down to a science. Step one: I turn off the lights so I don’t have to see his room, which looks like a teenage boy’s even though he’s nearly 30. Step two: we get naked and get into bed. Step three: we have sex spooning-style because it’s the only way I’ve found I can get off during penetrative sex. Step four (and the crux of the story): I blow him until he gets off or I get tired. It’s usually no muss, no fuss.
Because he’s lazy, FWB pulled a fire drill and kept his t-shirt and sweatpants on while we had sex, just pulling the waistband down enough for his dick to be involved. After the sexing, as per our routine, I moved on to sucking him off. At this juncture, it’s important that I point out that I was a pretty heavy cigarette smoker until I quit a few months ago, so my sense of taste and smell are still pretty weak. I was facedown in his crotchetal region and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It smelled like vagina juice. It tasted like vagina juice. It seemed a little sticky, but it’s Atlanta in the summer, so that didn’t raise any red flags for me. I kept on sucking until my jaw got sore, I was bored and sleepy, and I was pretty sure he was about to drunkenly pass out as he’s wont to do on occasion. I stopped and he didn’t protest, so I headed into the bathroom and turned on the light, only to face myself in the mirror and see an extra from ‘Carrie 2: Electric Boogaloo’ staring back at me. There was rust-colored blood everywhere – on my hands, around my cooch, on my chest, and ALL around my mouth. I realized that FWB must also be a victim, so I gave myself a whore bath so as not to wake him or anyone else in the apartment, and then tasked myself with trying to clean him up. Using the flashlight on my phone, I could see that his hands and crotch were similarly bloodied. He was dead asleep, so I stripped his clothes off him and washed him down the best I could with some wet paper towels, then climbed back into bed next to him and cringed myself to sleep.
TL;DR – Ladies, don’t use Implanon if you were a smoker, or you might accidentally earn your red wings. /s
EDIT: For a few that aren't so quick on the uptake, I'd like to put your minds at ease by clarifying that the TL;DR was intended to be humorous, not serious. I stuck an /s on the end there for you so you don't have to use common sense in interpreting my tone.
Huskerdid: >TIFU by sleeping with someone who wears sweatpants.
Whitemike31683: Don't hate! Sweatpants are awesome!
Huskerdid: [NO! BAD!](http://dogslifetraining.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/scolding-dog.jpg)
Reddit_Executive: AS yourself these questions:
1. Am I at the gym or other exercise locale?
2. Is it the 80's or 90's?
3. Am I in costume?
Regardless of your answers, you should never wear sweatpants.
Ever.
quackamoly: I don't understand the hate against sweat pants. There are plenty of sweat pants that are fashionable/stylish enough to be worn in general. In fact, i own sweatpants i DON'T work out in because theyre too damn expensive.
[deleted]: Yeah people here are being idiots. Sweatpants are comfortable as hell. I'll wear what I please when I'm alone around the house or even running a few errands.
On the flip side, i refuse to date a girl if she isn't comfortable around me in her sweatpants or equivilant lazy wear. People are so fucking judgemental it is unbelievalbe.
OceanRacoon: > i refuse to date a girl if she isn't comfortable around me in her sweatpants or equivilant lazy wear.
Yeah, I'm sure you've broken loads of girls hearts with that one
[deleted]: Thank you for proving my point about how stupid people are
OceanRacoon: Make up whatever poop you want to, but we both know you'd never dump someone for not wearing sweatpants unless you're retarded
[deleted]: its not sweatpants. It's the idea of being comfortable as a person around somebody else, and where I come from (Vancouver...) a lot of people like to lounge in sweats around there home, or during a saturday morning hangover.
It's not pants. It's the idea of being comfortable around another person. I choose sweatpants. You might note I also said "or equivilant lazy wear".
You sound like an angry person, and you clearly have trouble understanding other people's ideas. When you pick and choose segments of what somebody said, and then insult them like a child, you make yourself look foolish.
OceanRacoon: >and you clearly have trouble understanding other people's ideas.
You would end a relationship with the potential love of your life because she wouldn't be comfortable in sweatpant type clothes.
That's retarded and we both know it's not true, people always say stupid shit like that, about how they'd end a relationship over this or that dumb unwavering principle, but if you met a beautiful girl who you were head over heels with, you'd want her to be comfortable in whatever clothes she liked and if you didn't you're just a dickhead.
[deleted]: >You would end a relationship with the potential love of your life because she wouldn't be comfortable in sweatpant type clothes.
I could never love somebody who is so vain that they feel the need to jump through hoops and look a certain way that some people in society (like you) demand people look.
This isn't rocket science.
> you'd want her to be comfortable in whatever clothes she liked
You're missing the entire point and you're an idiot. EVERYONE has clothes they wear "around the house" but not out. I'm talking about reaching a level of comfort like that *with* someone else.
I'm not going to engage you further, because you're either doing a decent job of trolling me and you've won, or you're just a complete moron.
Have a nice life.
OceanRacoon: You're full of shit and don't know how liking or loving someone actually works. And your reading comprehension is embarrassing.
[deleted]: Your vanity is fucking incredible. You're an utter fucking scumbag. I can't be any more clear.
Just kindly fuck off please.
OceanRacoon: > Your vanity is fucking incredible.
Evidence of your piss poor reading abilities. If you go back and try your really really hardest, maybe you'll understand that I was saying that
**If you actually were in a relationship with someone you liked and cared about, you wouldn't give a shit about whether or not they wore fucking sweatpants and weren't comfortable in lazy clothes, and you definitely wouldn't dump them.**
And the most important part is that ***you*** would be the dickhead if you actually did.
[deleted]: I would not date someone or enter a relationship with someone who is obsessed with apperance to the point where they can't relax at home in comfort wear. Period.
I've said this numerous times. If that makes me a dick, then I'm completely OK with that.
Have a nice life.
OceanRacoon: If you ever encounter a person who you really like and then discover that about them, update your initial comment about how you're full of shit and didn't dump them because even you're not that retarded.
[deleted]: Thank you for calling me retarded, *again*.
As a person with mental illness in my family, I would ask that you stop using that word in a derogatory way. It's unnecessarily rude.
You've made yourself clear by repeating the same sentiment about 40 times. I disagree.
Are you done now?
OceanRacoon: No.
manofpopsiclejeff: shut up
OceanRacoon: I will stick all of my fingers inside your asshole if you're not careful
| 22 | 108.409091 | |
1405516491 | 1405516878 | t3_2ausz2 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Futuramafryday: TIFU by ruining my mom's wedding
So a lot of you guys enjoyed my story about being a shitty son yesterday, so I figure I'll give you guys another fuck up of mine. This happened when I was about 10, but I remember it pretty well, I did almost lose a finger, but I'll get to that later.
So, mom's wedding. The ceremony is supposed to be at 7 PM, it's about 4. I'm with the groom's best man and best friend. He asks me if I'm hungry and of course I said yes, so he takes me out to grab dinner before we're supposed to be at the wedding. We have about an hour and a half, so we go to get steak, because that's the manly thing to do. It was Longhorn, or Outback, or some other steakhouse that brings the steaknives to the table with the bread. Bread comes out, I'm like "heck yeah, bread" so I grab the steaknife in one hand and the bread in the other, then proceed to start hacking through the bread. Except 10 year old me doesn't know that steaknives aren't meant for bread and actually will cut the fuck out of you. Next thing I know a burst of blood slaps me in the face and I'm freaking out. I mean it. I was **FREAKING OUT**. I didn't know what I was going to do, It was just a slice to the bone of the tip of my finger. The way I was screaming you would've thought I had lost an arm. So you can imagine the drive to the hospital.
Best man to groom: "Hey bud I know you're getting married in a few hours but there's an issue. The kid kindve almost cut off his finger" with me wailing the background does not make for a good wedding. So the groom tells my mom, she immidetly goes to the hospital because you know, good mom and what not, and procides to sit there whilst I undergo getting stitches. The whole process takes probably 4-5 hours, well over the time of her wedding.
So that's how I ruined my moms wedding, having her spend half the night in the hospital with me rather than you know, getting married.
There is also a little irony. I had a part in the wedding. I was the ring barror. Hope you guys like my story. In a few minutes I'll provide a picture of my healed finger as a little evidence, I'd provide more but there's not really any wedding picture.
EDIT: [here](http://imgur.com/BLm6aSI) is a very potatoey photo of my finger. That mark is from the left side of my nail, to about 3/4 of the rest of my finger.
[deleted]: So did she get married the next day or something OP?
Futuramafryday: So a lot of money was wasted the first day, renting the place, flowers, catering, and there was a wedding the next day. So there was never an actual ceremony, they were only married on paper
[deleted]: Oh okay fair enough
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1405512680 | 1405538189 | t3_2auokv | t5_2to41 | 262 | alecd93: TIFU by simply not checking my surroundings...
I'm currently working a 6 am shift. No less than 30 seconds ago, I forced a boisterously sopping excretion of gas from... well... my ass... I had no shame whatsoever and was going to continue listening to Brahms and scrolling through reddit... that was until I heard the "uh humm". Just then, my gaze whipped up from my macbook, and sure enough, there was a lady sitting in the café chairs (by the stair windows), just playing on her phone. We never made eye contact, but there was a silent understanding. The understanding that I am filth and we both just have to deal with it...
wofedoge: it was a silent understanding that you've just claimed your territory
catawhat: Assert your dominance. Hold your head high!
NancyFuckinGrace: she wants the D
the_rabid_dwarf: She wants the A
[deleted]: She wants the D
catawhat: Dad?
| 7 | 37.428571 | |
1405518433 | 1405563560 | t3_2auvlf | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: Tifu by getting my breathalyzer extended in my car for 6 months.
I'm writing from an iPhone so be patient with spelling, and grammar, ect.
In 2011, I was convicted of DUI in Arizona. I had a whole but of court ordered requirements to complete in a certain amount of time, which I thought I completed. We'll yea I was wrong. In march 2014 I go to get my PA license renewed only to find out I have to get a breathalyzer for 12 months installed in my car. I was pissed but understood that this is no one else's fault but mine. I have had the breathalyzer for 4 months now and everything is going good. I have completely stopped drinking for sometime now and don't plan on drinking again. The company who administers the breathalyzer informed me I can fail 5 times a month. So my buddy is getting a load on and I jokingly say to him let's see what your BAC is. I let him blow into it and it's a .25 which is two times above legal limit. We laugh it off and go back to hanging out . I think nothing of it until today when I received a letter from the Arizona. The letter is instating that I have blown twice above the legal limit and my breathalyzer is now extended and extra 6 months.
tL;DR let friend blow into breathalyzer in car, he blew two times above legal limit and I now have breathalyzer for 18 months.
majorthrownaway: I think the takeaway here is you make bad decisions and will probably continue on this path for the rest of your life.
What the fuck were you thinking?
Anonymousthepeople: You're making a lot of assumptions here. Because I was arrested for weed when I was 14 does that mean I'm doomed to a lifetime of making bad decisions? No..
majorthrownaway: You also let a friend blow into your breathalyzer.
Anonymousthepeople: Hey I didn't do it I'm not OP lol. I've never had a breathalyzer in my car. Hell, I've never had a car i'm 19 lol.
majorthrownaway: I know - sorry. I responded on my phone and thought you were OP.
Anonymousthepeople: Haha it's cool.
| 7 | 3 | |
1405517153 | 1405539155 | t3_2autt6 | t5_2to41 | 42 | oreotragus: TIFU by doing the "Night at the Roxbury" head bop.
A few days ago I pulled my left trapezius muscle in my neck. It's been painful to move my head or neck or bend in certain ways so I've been trying to be very careful so I don't hurt it again while I'm recovering.
This morning, I had my Pandora "90's Hits" station on and "What is Love" started playing. Without thinking, I automatically started that famous sideways head bob the two main characters do to the song. Aaaaand pain. Instant regret as well.
Note to self: when dealing with a pulled neck muscle, do NOT start enthusiastically sideways head bobbing to "What is Love". Ouch.
4everanewbie: On a slightly related note, did you grab my ass?
tyzbit: Sir, from where I'm standing it would be physically impossible for me to grab your ass.
the_real_dgfresh: I know your tricks Dewey
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1405520923 | 1405523221 | t3_2auzan | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: [TIFU] by not peeing before go on a long trip.
Today, I go on a 9 hours bus to go on a vacation. Right after I leave, I drink quite a big cup of water without thinking anything.
The bus have been going for 1 hour only, but I have already feel the need. What I have to do now?
It is 9h30 pm, and the bus is expected to arrive at 6 am next morning. It is an overnight bus with beds so no stop and no bath room. What should I do guys.
eatspam88: How can the bus driver go 9 hours without a piss? Does he have a catheter?
j3lackfire: Don't know, must be his job
| 3 | 3 | |
1405520448 | 1405701316 | t3_2auyj0 | t5_2to41 | 80 | Stealth_Toast: TIFU by not checking the inputs of a mic before speaking
Not so much me as it is my co-worker but nevertheless, a fuck up.
I work for a small tech consulting firm in a major city.. One of our clients is a nursing home. Yesterday, we received a ticket to set up a projector and laptop for a documentary that one of the residents wanted to show. She also wanted to say a few words prior to the event, so we hooked up a wireless mic as well. We set this up well in advance of the showing, making sure everything was working, including the mic, and then promised we would come back 15 minutes prior to make sure everything went over smoothly.
Now, it's important to note that the receiver unit that controls the speakers, lights, projectors and what not, is located in an adjacent room. During lunch time, somebody from the staff will often put on an ipod or something to play music for the residents while they eat. Having set up everything in the morning, there was a brief time from then until the afternoon in which we had left everything unattended. Somehow, during this small window of time, somebody had seen that the mics and inputs had been switched over to the adjacent room, and promptly switched them back, unbeknownst to me and my co-worker (CW).
As the presentation rolled around, CW and I went back to the room and began turning the projector back on and testing the mic.
CW: "Hey did you turn off the mic?"
Stealth: "Uh no man I've been with you all afternoon. Is it on at all?"
CW: "Test. Test.. TEST.."
Steatlh: "Hmmm nothing?"
CW: "Nope.. lolol penis!"
I headed back over to the dining room to check to receiver inputs again. CW remained at the podium muttering a combination of "test" and various obscenities. As soon as I went into the room, I realized that somebody had switched the speakers over to the dining room, and that the wirless mic was playing over the rather large sound system to a room full of shocked seniors. I tried to make myself as small as possible and crawl to the receivers to turn over the input, but it was to no avail.. I could feel the indignant stares of seniors having their late lunch interrupted by the hails of "Penis" ringing down from the heavens. I quickly switched the input and ran through the door, looked at CW, and promptly began to laugh uncontrollably. He was confused initially but slowly began to realize the nature of our fuck up, and began turning a lovely shade of white. We quickly exited. Nobody has said anything to us yet.
MasterBassion: I'm glad I'm not the only one who mic checks with "Penis"...
VelicoFides: I wonder what would you do if you were a woman
MasterBassion: Check the Mic with someone else's penis?
| 4 | 20 | |
1405521763 | 1405532229 | t3_2av0na | t5_2to41 | 94 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting on my corset
So I recently decided I wanted to buy a corset, because why the fuck not? They make you look good, they're supposed to be good for your posture, and the one I liked was on sale. Anyway, I did some research and found out you're supposed to wear them for a couple of hours per day for a week or so, to make them fit you properly. This morning there was no one in the house, so I got up, put on a frilly shirt, and laced up my corset over the top. I was only wearing my pink bunny very short pj shorts underneath, but who cared? I was alone. Anyway, I lounged around for a bit looking ridiculous, and then realised I needed to pee. For anyone who has never had to pee in a corset before, THIS IS HORRIBLE. You can't really bend much, so much contortion was required. So I'm about to pull up my little pink bunny shorts when disaster strikes. The doorbell rings.
I panic immediately. I'm the only person in the house, and I've just flushed the toilet. The window is wide open, so whoever rang KNOWS I'm there, and the option of pretending no one is home is rapidly disappearing. I now have two choices: run downstairs IN MY BUNNY SHORTS AND CORSET, or grab a skirt and look like I'm cosplaying as a princess or something equally ridiculous. Fuck fuck fuck. I wash my hands and run madly into my bedroom. The bell rings again as I'm yanking up my skirt... there's no time to zip it up, so I sorta tuck it into the base of my corset, allowing my enormous comfy granny pants to show through the gaping hole at the back.
I then trip frantically downstairs and open the door to a delivery guy, who looks at me like I'm absolutely fucking crazy, and hands me an enormous parcel. I sign for it, slam the door closed, and then melt into a puddle of embarrassment.
TL;DR: I answered the door looking like a delusional princess, complete with knickers showing.
Edit: For everyone who's asking for pics, it took long enough to lace myself in there the first time. Not happening again. Sorry to disappoint :P
[deleted]: I have a corset that is the correct size for my waist so after waist training for a while I could lace it as tight as possible and go about my day perfectly fine. By the story I couldn't understand why you couldn't just take it off because mine is metal latched in the front and tied in the back. I think you'll learn to wiggle out of it when you need to.
ISleepWithEarlGrey: Mine is weird, instead of hooks in the front they go up the side, right in the most inaccessible place sorta under the bust, and they're tiny hooks set under the fabric edge so they're impossible to undo in a hurry. Nightmare.
[deleted]: Ugh that is weird, that sounds like when you have to zip up a dress that has a side zip and for some reason it's tougher than you think.
ISleepWithEarlGrey: That's exactly it... and the more hooks you undo, the tighter the middle ones get so the harder they are to undo. Ah well, the final result is fun!
| 5 | 18.8 | |
1405513791 | 1405534510 | t3_2aupu4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by grabbing a steam pipe
So a few years ago I had a summer lab that we had to take in order to graduate with an engineering degree. On this particular day we had to do experiments using a humidification system. Underneath the humidifier was a set of pipes and a tank. We had to measure the flow rate by using a bucket and stopwatch by collecting water from one of the outlet pipes.
I had drank a ton of coffee that morning, so naturally I had to pee after a few hours. We were right in the middle of a certain experiment, so I couldn't really leave. I was tasked with measuring the flow rate. So I grabbed the bucket, ducked below the humidifier, and reached with my open hand to brace myself in order to place the bucket under the outlet pipe. I came to realize that the pipe I had grabbed to brace myself was actually a steam pipe (so over 212 degrees F..not sure exactly how hot). I surprisingly pushed myself upright, and being 6' 3" I didn't have much room under the humidifier. I hit my head, knocked myself out, and proceeded to piss myself whilst unconscious.
When I came to, professors and students were around me and had called 911. I ended up with a concussion and 2nd degree burns on my dominant hand. But the worse was the big pee stain in my jeans.
TL;DR: TIFU by burning my hand, knocking myself out, and pissing my pants.
chibiace: burnt my hand in a factory by trying to find if a motor was pumping syrup through a pipe. didnt know which pipe was the correct line so started touching away. turns out one was an unmarked stainless steam line and ended up with nasty burn that hurt for weeks
UWbadger23: Yeah my hand blistered immediately.
chibiace: ive also stood on a 450c soldering iron bare footed and got a nice blister. never used a soldering iron without a stand after that.
| 4 | 2 | |
1405525540 | 1405550105 | t3_2av6zn | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my ass crack
This happened about 6 years ago, but still haunts me to this day...
So, everyone once in a while I shave my ass crack. Why? Because it's really hairy and wiping becomes a chore. Seriously, how is having a brillo pad between my cheeks evolutionarily advantageous? Anyway, I shaved it in the shower and didn't give it a second thought after that. (don't tell my wife I use the razor she uses to shave her legs to shave my ass crack) Later that night we went with her (my wife) parents to see a Mariners game. I don't remember much about the game, we probably lost. Just as the game was ending and we were getting ready to head back home I got a stomach cramp. I thought, huh, that's weird... we started walking towards the car. My stomach cramped again and gurgled a little this time. The car was probably a 15 minute walk away from the stadium. My stomach cramps a 3rd time and the more I try to deny it, the more I realize this is no ordinary muscle cramp. These rumblings can only mean one thing. If I don't find a bathroom in about 3 minutes, I'm going to shit my pants... violently.
By this time, I'm probably about halfway between the stadium and the car and I know there's no bathroom. I scan around looking in vain to for anything, any business I can stop in, anything. There's nothing. I should also mention that I had just gotten married a few days before and I didn't want my new in-laws to know my situation. I keep walking. We finally get to the car and I'm just praying we get home quickly. I'm in the back seat with my wife, her parents are driving and it's about 15 minutes back to their house. The whole drive I'm pale as a sheet, sweating like crazy and breathing heavily. My wife and her parents notice this obviously, and I have no choice but to tell them I'm in bad shape. We're on the freeway, and there's nowhere to stop so we keep driving. By the time we get to the house, I'm a complete wreck. It has taken every ounce of my strength and will power to hold back the veritable deluge of feces fighting to ruin both my life and my in-law's upholstry. I've never clentched so hard in my life.
I run inside and take care of business, I'll spare you all the gory details. The feeling of relief is incredible, but there's also something else... something not quite right. My colon feels like I birthed a watermelon. 10 minutes later, I rush to the bathroom again and this time it's blood. Not blood and something else, just blood. I'm trying not to freak out, I haven't told anyone yet. My new mother-in-law is a nurse, so I consider telling her what's happening to get some medical advice. How do you start a conversation with your wife's mom where you tell her [my anus is bleeding!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M17aG_Po2Y)?
This situation continues through the night and into the next morning. My wife and I are leaving for our honeymoon in mexico in 2 days, and I'm starting to really get worried. I finally break down and tell my mother-in-law. She agrees that this is not something you want to deal with in the Mexican medical system and recommends me to her local doctor a few miles away. I am fortunately able to make a same day appointment and head over there.
I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting for the doctor, trying to think of how I'm going to explain this one. I decide to just be honest as I'm sure doctors have heard it all and won't be grossed out. The nurse calls me back and I tell her I've got lower intestinal bleeding(my mother-in-law's diagnosis). She goes to get the doctor, a nice lady in her 50's I'd say, and I tell her the same thing. She asks me a few questions, and tells me she needs to take a look. This is what I was afraid of... I drop my pants and assume the position. There's really nothing you can do or say to someone to prepare them for being violated in that way. I try to stay calm as the doc is feeling around in there and probing away. She tells me I can put my pants back on and sits on her little doctor stool with clipboard in hand. She asks me again to tell her how this happened. I thought I was pretty clear about the details the first time, but I think, ok, sure I'll tell you again. I go through the details that lead up to the event and she nods. She then starts asking me about my sex life. I'm kind of caught off guard at this point, and answer her questions, although I'm not sure what that has to do with why i'm there. She jots some notes down on her chart for a few minutes while I sit there looking nervously around the room. Then she leans in and asks me if I'm sure there wasn't anything else that might have contributed to or caused my rectal wreckage. I'm again caught off guard, but assure her that I just tried to hold in a mud volcano and that's all. She finishes her paper work and says that she can't seem to find any serious damage and I should be fine in a day or two. I'm relieved of course, grab my stuff, and get out of there.
As I'm driving away, I start to go over the experience I just had in my mind. Why was she asking me about my sex life? Why didn't she seem to believe my story of events? I shift my weight a little in the driver's seat of my car and feel my smooth ass cheeks rub together. Then it hits me.... All that doctor saw was a guy with a cleanly shaved ass crack complaining about rectal bleeding. SHE THINKS I'VE BEEN SHOVING THINGS UP MY ASS!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! By far the most humiliating experience of my life.
TL:DR - I coincidentally shaved my ass crack and had rectal bleeding on the same day. The doctor came to the conclusion that I liked ass play.
Voyager5555: Buy your own razor, you're giving both of you a bad shave by sharing one for that much hair. Also it's dick move.
emayelee: Also, ass bacteria in the wife's legs if she nicks herself by shaving... with that dull razor.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1405526443 | 1405548245 | t3_2av8hh | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking on antidepressants.
Back story: I'm on antidepressants and don't often drink. There's a reason they tell you not to drink on them. You get weird.
The night started with my friends and I deciding to turn it up. I head to the liquor store and get booze and we start taking shots and cracking beers. We pop some addys and head over to a promising party only a few blocks away. None of us really knew anyone, but we figured our group of three tipsy girls wouldn't be turned away. We were right. By this time we were all pretty drunk, but being at a party and running into friends made me want to drink more.
We are all having a good time dancing, playing beer pong, drinking and smoking until the cops show up. I guess I should mention it's a bike cop; I think that makes this funnier. While I walk through the front door onto the porch, I drunkenly exclaim 'No sir, I'm not underage OR on probation!' and I lose my footing and fall face-first down the stairs. I wouldn't even go so far as to call it a fall. It was more like a flop. Like a drunk pancake. The cop looks at me and asks me if I'm alright. I say 'I'm feeling good, but I think my hand is broken.' He helps me up and tells me to take care while my friends are laughing their asses off a little way down the street, a safe distance from the ominous bike cop.
I was really drunk at the time this happened so I wasn't in much pain. We went to a few other parties where I ended up blacking out. I woke up the next morning with a swollen ass hand and having to nurse my hangover before going into the doctor. My hand is broken and I might have to have surgery, I can't work, I'm in a lot of pain, and I typed this whole post with my left hand. I also had to tell this to my parents. Classy.
TLDR: Got wasted, fell down the stairs at a party and broke my hand. Now everyone thinks I'm a wino.
ambassator667: I don't even remotely see what antidepressants did here. You got wasted (and did addys too), and acted like a wasted person does. Since you also said you don't often drink, I'm going to guess you have a low tolerance to alcohol. Add that with adderall, and you're going to be acting crazy. I don't know why you're blaming the antidepressants here...
briarandvine: The only thing I can think of is the fact that it erodes one's tolerance even more, but that's not even remotely the problem.
| 3 | 4 | |
1405528261 | 1405534130 | t3_2avboo | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing cancer
I'm a master's student in medical biochemistry, currently doing a summer internship at a research laboratory. My job is to investigate genetic aberrations in a rare (1 case/million people/year) form of tumor. The material we work with is a unique biobank of tumor tissue harvested by surgeons over the past few decades. Directly after resection, the tumors are snap frozen in liquid nitrogen, and then transfered to a special freezer which maintains a temperature of approximately -70 degrees centigrade. Due to the rarity of the tumor there are rather few of them preserved in this condition in the world. They are practically invaluable.
Today I was preparing microscopy slides of a few of these tumors. This is carried out in a special machine called a cryostat which maintains a temperature of -25 to -30 degrees (while much warmer than the freezer, still cold enough to keep the tumors frozen). I fixated a tumor in the machine using a special glue, and sliced away with the knife. When I had gathered my tissue sections (5 micrometers thick), I proceeded to release the tumor from the machine with a razorblade. Sometimes this is a bit tricky, and it's not uncommon for the tumor to be released with some force and bounce around a bit (safe inside the machine, still frozen). Today, for the first time, I lost track of it. It was nowhere to be found. I was starting to get nervous, since the tumor is practically invaluable. I looked around in the cryostat for a bit, but it was nowhere to be found.
Nervously I start looking around. After a minute or two, I found it on the desk, thawed and bloody.
UWbadger23: It kind of worries me that you are a scientist working with a rare cancer and your user name is PM_ME_GENITALIA_PICS ....although it makes me laugh
[deleted]: Professionalism is key.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1405528116 | 1405541467 | t3_2avbev | t5_2to41 | 32 | MrOxfordComma: TIFU by talking Spanish.
So yesterday my friends and I were chilling at a my friend’s place. We were watching TV in the living room when my friend’s roommate entered with his girlfriend and another female friend we had never seen before. My friends and I are Colombian-German. We went together to the German school in Colombia and were raised both in German (by our parents and at school) and Spanish, so we all are very fluent in both languages and switch between them constantly. We live in Germany.
My friend’s roommate and the girls sat on the other couch and started talking among them. So, instinctively, I asked my friends what they thought about the new girl. Off course, I asked them in Spanish so that the others didn’t understand. The conversation went like this:
-Me:
Do you guys find her hot? I kinda like her.
-Friend 1:
mmm I don't know, she seems to have a nice ass. I would give her an 8.
-Friend 2:
What!? an 8!? No way dude she is at most a 5. Her face looks weird and she is too skinny.
-Me:
No dude, you are nuts, she is very cute. I think an 8 is well deserved. Even though I haven’t had an opportunity to check her ass yet.
-Friend 1:
I think Friend 2 might have a point, there is something odd about her face. Ok, let’s settle at 7.
I took another look at her and saw that she had stopped talking to her friends.
-Me:
Guys, I think she speaks Spanish.
-Friend 1:
Really, do you think she understood what we were saying!?
-Friend 2:
Shit this is so weird, I can smell a good reddit TIFU right now. (The reason I’m posting this)
We instantly changed the subject. After a while, she had to leave. She stood up, looked at us and said: “Hasta luego, un placer haberlos conocido”. We all turned as red as a tomato.
Later, we asked my friend’s roommate about her and it turns out she comes from Belgium, but has lived in Guatemala for years. Fuck. At least I said that I thought she was cute.
We met her again today and she is very nice. She isn’t mad at us and laughed about the whole situation. Best woman ever, I think I’m in love. Today she was more attractive than yesterday. My friends and I call her “7” from now on.
HomoFerox_HomoFaber: Funny story. When I was growing up in Montana, I had a friend from Uruguay. We were like 12, standing in line to order something at Taco Johns and some girl behind us started gossiping in Spanish about us, making fun of us. My friend let her go on for a bit, and then turned around and told her to mind her own business, adding "y tú eres la mas linda, no?"
It was magical and made me want to learn Spanish. I've now lived in Madrid now for almost half my life.
MrOxfordComma: Shit. Spanish is not a good gossiping language. Your friend nailed it.
HomoFerox_HomoFaber: Yeah, euskera would have been ideal.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Navajo?
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1405531653 | 1405543661 | t3_2avhs3 | t5_2to41 | 32 | keepitsecretyo: TIFU by cutting my penis
So this was 2 days ago, but the consequences are still there.
So this girl I have been seeing casually likes it rough. I am cool with that, we are very open with each other and our communication is great, so I am down for whatever. She said she wanted to be throat fucked. I told her to be specific, cause that is something that could turn messy and not good very quickly if I go more than what she wants. Her response was "I want you to treat my mouth like my pussy and fuck it hard." Well we established that if it was getting to much to tap out and I would stop immediately.
So with everything established, off to the races! She starts blowing me and slowly working down and getting comfortable. After a bit of that she says she is ready, and for me to grab on and go fast and hard. So I start pounding her face with force, and it was awesome. Well I guess during this time it hit in a way that was not good and she momentarily closed her mouth a bit, and I felt something a bit painful, but I was close to cumming, she wasnt tapping out, fuck it! So I pound away and finally cum. Right after I cum and pull my dick out, I see something thats not right, a red line on my dick. I rush to the bathroom and it starts to sting a bit. I grab toilet paper and start cleaning it off and it keeps stinging. With it clean I can take an actual look at it. It's cut. Not super deep, but skin is gone and there is a bit of blood. It stops bleeding after a few more daps with toilet paper.
Now I sit here with a cut penis, applying neosporin every few hours. On top of that, she wanted to get together the next day, and when I explained to her I am out of commission for a bit, I guess I worded it like it was her fault. I said "Well when we were doing that, I guess something happened and your teeth caught my dick, it has a cut now." So now I have to try and make sure she knows I am not blaming her at all.
TL;DR: Girl asked me to "treat my mouth like my pussy", I obliged, her teeth caught my dick and cut it.
dodgetimes2: It's just a flesh wound.
cell1570: I've had worse!
moserkat: I got some skin gone from shafting, I still fapped even with the cut.
| 4 | 8 | |
1405532634 | 1405571624 | t3_2avjmw | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing my water at the gym
Short and sweet one for you:
Yesterday I fucked up at the gym. I was walking from one machine across the gym to another, trying to be super cool casual workout guy, and I underhand tossed my water bottle a few feet ahead of me so it would land at the base of the machine I was heading towards. Upon impact with the ground, the cap shot off and water went fucking EVERYWHERE. Right in an area where a bunch of people are using treadmills and a bunch of other people are powerlifting. I felt like a complete fuck-up as I awkwardly used my foot to sop it up with cheap paper towels from the bathroom.
Syncharmony: You really missed a golden opportunity there. If that casual water bottle toss had been successful, there no doubt that the people in the surrounding area would have racked their weights, stopped their treadmills and come on over to you. A big beefy bodybuilder would slap you on the back and say "A cool guy like you is someone I could take a lesson or two from. How about I give you free personal training at the gym for a month and you train me how to be cool for a month?" Then that cardio bunny on the elliptical would saunter over and hand you a piece of paper with her phone number on it. When you look up from the paper, she'd be blowing you a kiss and giving you a wink before wandering away. The manager of the gym probably would have given you a year's membership for free if he caught it on the security cameras.
Man, it's just such a shame you know. It didn't turn out the way you wanted, but it was worth the effort because everyone in the gym waits with baited breath for the moment a cool guy walks in and works his cool ass ways. Next time however, perhaps something a little less messy like wearing a leather jacket into the weight room or some sunglasses while you bench would be a little safer.
TheNobleHerb: /s
omygoshzoh: Oh man I had no idea this was sarcasm.thank you so much!
TheNobleHerb: /s
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1405528587 | 1405581280 | t3_2avc82 | t5_2to41 | 276 | shirtythebear: TIFU by getting walked in on masturbating
2 weeks ago my wife and I moved into a new house. It's awesome, but been heaps of hard work moving in; organising tradesmen, painting rooms, getting new hot water systems, you get the idea. On top of that my wife's grandma has been visiting the last couple of days , so bottom line is getting less sex than usual.
Anyway - before work today (working a late shift) my wife and her grandma had been out so I had an hour to myself. Decided it was a good idea to jerk off.
Cue 10 mins later, one of the handymen working on our house (who has been doing painting for my Mum for 20ish years) bangs on the window to our house, as I'm jacking it, looks me in the eye and walks away. He needed help moving some timber.
I pants up real quick. Went outside to help. Minimal conversation. Moved some timber with him.
Went back inside when he left. Felt bad but still had time before work. Manipulated my own timber. Went to work.
Feel awkward now.
ZeBeowulf: You should have looked him in the eye as you finished to assert your dominance
K3R3G3: Can't wait til the majority finds this to be worn out. I see it twice/day on average.
ZeBeowulf: Hey it got me 53 upvotes, so suck it.
K3R3G3: I will not be sucking it, but congrats on the points. I'm just really surprised that people still find this funny.
ZeBeowulf: Honestly so am I, but I'll take advantage while I can.
K3R3G3: (Karma) hookers gonna hook.
ZeBeowulf: You're just upset because I got more fake Internet points than you
K3R3G3: You make me cackle. Surely, I greatly outrank you in le reddit army, gentle sir. Do check my comment and link karma totals. Whilst thou may have won the battle, I hath indeed won the war.
*tips fedora*
| 9 | 30.666667 | |
1405535313 | 1405558710 | t3_2avoyx | t5_2to41 | 10 | Knights_of_Napier: TIFU by being racist
I had an important meeting where I was to meet with some clients and plain the deployment of our software management system on their network. I walk into the meeting and am introduced to two men, one is black. While the introductions are being made my boss says "Knights_of_Napier this is Denzill" go to shake the black mans hand and he looks at me and says " My name is Greg, that's Denzill" with a glare on his face......The rest of the meeting Greg is rude as shit to me and after we're done I get a lecture from my boss about professionalism etc.
th3b1gr3d0n3: Wait... your boss introduces the men incorrectly and you get mean mugged and a lecture?
Knights_of_Napier: Pretty much, got a lecture on professionalism, harassment, workplace conduct etc etc
th3b1gr3d0n3: You sir, have a moron for a boss.
5unbr0: And should egg his car.
Because fuck him.
| 5 | 2 | |
1405534965 | 1405570526 | t3_2avoa5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by cracking my boomstick
This wasn't actually from today, but actually from a couple days ago but it still scared the fuck out of me.
So I was doing my thing, edging repeatedly so I could have an orgasm that even Zeus would get shocked by. I was nearing the finish of this great achievement, when I wanted to edge one final time. So I grabbed my dong and kind of pulled it away from my stomach, but I pulled way too hard and I heard a very loud cracking sound.
I had seen gifs and heard storys of people cracking their "dickbone" and experiencing pain and bleeding or some shit, so instantly I was scared for my dicks life.
I looked down, and everything looked normal but I still expected some shit. After that, I just turned off my computer, went to bed, and hoped for the best.
I woke up the next day, and everything was fine, so at least I have that to be thankful for.
TL;DR Don't edge.
Xezlec: Well it doesn't have an actual bone (in humans) but a [fractured penis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fractured_penis) is a thing. I don't think you had that.
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Fractured penis**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fractured%20penis): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Penile fracture__ is rupture of one or both of the *[tunica albuginea](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tunica_albuginea_(penis\))*, the fibrous coverings that envelop the penis's *[corpora cavernosa](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corpus_cavernosum_penis)*. It is caused by rapid blunt force to an erect [penis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis), usually during [vaginal intercourse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_intercourse) or aggressive [masturbation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation). It sometimes also involves partial or complete rupture of the [urethra](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urethra) or injury to the [dorsal nerves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorsal_nerve_of_the_penis), [veins](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorsal_veins_of_the_penis) and [arteries](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorsal_artery_of_the_penis).
>
---
^Interesting: [^Penile ^fracture](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penile_fracture) ^| [^Human ^penis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_penis) ^| [^Dorsal ^veins ^of ^the ^penis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorsal_veins_of_the_penis) ^| [^Transplantable ^organs ^and ^tissues](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transplantable_organs_and_tissues) ^| [^Antonio ^Mora](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Mora)
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+cizot2o) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+cizot2o)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405535512 | 1405608463 | t3_2avpe6 | t5_2to41 | 33 | TananananananaBatman: TIFU By not asking her number
Ok this was not today but close. So last week I went to Spain to join my family on their vacation for a couple of days. I am busy with work so I joined later and went back earlier. Anyway, my vacation was over and I asked the hotel receptionist to call me a cab to drive me to the airport one hour away. Within a minute a cab arrived in front of my hotel with behind the wheel the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I'm not exaggerating, she was stunning in a very natural way.
Since I was just visiting for a couple of days I was just carrying hand luggage. I stepped in the passenger seat of the cab with my bag between my legs, and she started driving. We didn't say anything. Flirting with her crossed my mind but I decided not to. She probably gets hit on every time she drives a single guy somewhere, so I just stared out of the window for a bit. When we turned around the corner the sun was shining in my eyes, and she gently put down the sun shield above my head. I looked at her and she smiled and said "For sun.". Her amazing smile and beautiful voice made my heart skip a beat.
I looked up to the sun shield and saw a taxi license of a, I would say, 55 year old man. Jokingly I asked if that was her, and she responded "No my dad.". I laughed and I saw in her eyes that she just got that I was joking and said "I look different now no?", I responded, "Yes, you've changed a lot since that picture, you became very beautiful.", she laughed and blushed. Then it really started, we talked the whole way through to the airport, we laughed all the time and had the most fun. I think those 45 minutes were more fun than my whole vacation in Spain. Her English was so bad but I wanted to hear everything she had to say, her voice, her smile her eyes it was all just.. wow. In the beginning I was still holding myself from getting to personal, but she kept asking me more and more personal stuff and I asked her and we told each other about everything.
I was sad when we arrived at the airport, I wish the ride was much and much longer. I paid, gave her a normal+something tip, I didn't want to overdo it now. And she said "No, wait wait" stepped out of the car but turned around mid air realizing there is no luggage in the trunk "Oh just the bag". And while she was still sitting with one leg between the door we gave each other three awkward kisses, I stepped out of the cab.
Before I knew it the door fell and closed and I looked at her through the window and she looked back. But I thought, this is awkward, I'm not going back to Spain anytime soon and I can't go back into the cab now to ask her number. I walked to the entrance of the airport still considering to walk back, I turned around, I saw her looking at me in a glance but she drove away.
My mood was beyond happy and sad at the same time, why the fuck did I not ask for her number? Who knows what's going to happen? But hey, I know everything about her, her name, her job, her previous job, her age, the university she went to, the degrees she got, the city she lives in and best of all what she looks like. I spend all my out of country data to find her on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or anywhere on the internet while waiting on the airplane. When i came home at 2 AM I spend another couple of hours trying to find her... She's a ghost. Nothing on Facebook, nothing on LinkedIn, nothing on Google, nothing anywhere. I emailed the Taxi company and my hotel with a lousy excuse that I had the best taxi experience ever and that I want to know the driver's name so I can ask for her next time I reserve a cab. No response... I think I fucked up. I can't go through and creep her out. What if she was driving her dads cab without a license, I could get her into trouble.... Sigh. I lost sight of someone I've had a special first sight feeling with that I haven't had in a very very long time.
tl;dr: I met an amazing woman on the other side of the continent, had an amazing click, but didn't ask for her phone number. Now, I can't find her.
themanwithoutbikini: Do you remember the name of the dad? maybe you could search him?
TananananananaBatman: Unfortunately not..
datraceman: Cab companies keep records of all cabs dispatched. Call the cab company and say you called a cab that picked you up on certain date and time to take you to the airport. Tell them you lost something and may have left it in the cab. Ask for driver's name...boom you have information. Good luck sir!
Intoxinous: If you're on the fence of trying anything, it's possible that if you succeed in reconnecting with her, that she'll think you're the sweetest thing that has ever or will ever be in existence, and you could have a great contact that could end up being your smoking hot lady friend somewhere down the line.
Or, she'll think you're crazy. But then you're essentially in the same spot you are in now, with a little bit of heartache that will fade. And at least you can say you tried.
As the old saying (that I just made up) goes, you can't catch a prize winning fish if you don't reel in your bait. And the real catches are the hardest to reel in.
Edit for the most extreme clarity: This is directed to OP
TananananananaBatman: You're right, I should just do it.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1405537915 | 1405577396 | t3_2avtww | t5_2to41 | 23 | throwaway7311222: TIFU by jacking it with shampoo as lube
It was a lonely day, and I decided I wanted to choke the chicken while I had the time. But, this time, I wanted to mix things up. I grabbed some shampoo, applied to penile region, rubbed it in, and jacked it. It was nice.
At the time.
The next day, I find that my balls are wrinkled up, cold, and "meaty" (pun not intended) as in squishy and tender. Adding to that, my boning device's skin is peeling off at the shaft. I start freaking out, but eventually calm down and go on with my day.
Oh, but it gets worse.
The day after that, AKA yesterday, my balls are now flaky, as in the skin is peeling off. I take a shower and that helps my balls. They're not flaky, they seem fine, etc. 5 minutes after, they go back to that excruciating pain mode. I go on with my day as normal, suffering the pain if I move in the wrong way.
Today, I don't even know what to do. They're still flaky, and most of the skin is coming off, and it hurts a little less.
So yeah, T(couple days ago)IFU.
EDIT: My balls are fixed! If this ever happens to you, wait for the skin to harden and wait for the skin to start peeling. Usually takes a few days, one or two. When it starts peeling, go in the shower and get them wet. then rub your balls with your hand/loofa/whatever for a while, checking to make sure you get the skin off. Once most of it/all of the dead, flaky skin is off, get out of the shower and dry off. Wait for your balls to dry. Once you're sure they're dried off and comfortable, you're done.
littospoon: maybe you are allergic to that particular shampoo? and since the skin is thinner and more sensitive in that area, it causes that reaction. maybe take a benadryl and put on s little lotion or neosporin on there to keep it from getting infected if the skin is broken.
throwaway7311222: What do you mean by broken?
The first layer of skin is coming off, kind of like I'm shedding. Except it's coming off in small pieces that I can tear off.
Francis-Hates-You: If the skin is torn, cut, or punctured in any way then it's broken.
throwaway7311222: Nope, just the first layer of scrotum-skin.
Also, my balls are fixed. Look at the edit.
Francis-Hates-You: I was just telling you what he meant by broken.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1405539314 | 1405549753 | t3_2avwh3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting about my diarreah
bodom2245:
Hi pinkcollareddog, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission TIFU by forgetting about my diarreah has been removed because it violates our rule about posts centring around deification.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please message the mods.
pinkcollareddog: Oh, sorry, lol, I should have read the rules
bodom2245: No worries, you can submit it on Saturdays when we allow posts about shit.
TortoiseSex: http://i.imgur.com/nxTIG1x.jpg
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1405539986 | 1405541746 | t3_2avxt4 | t5_2to41 | 19 | DoucheBro72: TIFU Or did I? Douche Brother
A little background first. I have a younger brother (2yrs) that is the GOLDEN CHILD according to my parents. This guy is a true piece of work by any standard. Stay at home child while running a semi successful business until the age of 33 with his live-in girlfriend. New trucks (F-350's every year. Seriously!), high end toys and not paying a cent to my parents the entire time. This fucker did not even know the cost of wiping his own ass until recently.
While still at home he cons my parents into investing their retirement accounts into building a house and flipping it late 2007 (The writing was on the wall) in a town that is unheard of, all of this was done behind mine and my sister's back. Surprise now we need your help to complete the project. We complete the project with so many delays and set backs that profit was unattainable (A total loss+). My parents are now dependent on mine and my sister's monetary gifts (Take a guess as to who else gains from this).
Fast forward to 2014. I have donated tens of thousands to the brink of my family's destruction, my sister is still in the hole God only knows how much. Thank's to my brother in-law who is a Saint, they are able to provide monthly. My brother, is doing great! Two new trucks F-350, F-250 three new trailers and low and behold living next door to Mommy and Daddy. All of this of course in my fathers name. But we are supposed to stay quite as to not upset the balance.
Here is the fuck up? If it was such, either way I ate the shit for sake of family. I am truly torn as to my action and reaction.
My daughter moved back to our home town which we had left 3 years ago for college and friends (It was her choice as a young adult and respected, though not approvingly). She is a beautiful person and a hardcore Liberal. I admire and love her for this more than I can express in words. I would love to share some of her debates during her HS career and will if request are made.
Fast forward to last week. My brother challenged her to put up or shut up by donating half of her first paycheck to the Libertarian cause of her choice. My girl accepted this and did so, she asked me if she should follow through. I told her to do so without hesitation "You are not losing money, but gaining conviction!". I also offered to compensate her for the money which she firmly rejected. My girl!
I of course stewed on my brothers actions and unfortunately sent a rather rude but true email. I know, I know! I should have called but I was pissed and I go for the throat.See below for my FU.
In the future layoff *****. Unless you are able to practice what you preach. I do not expect to hear any more of your bullshit talk. You have accepted aid from every possible resource greedily and without hesitation. Are you & your wife's self righteous ideals so strong (WTF, really?) That you would or even could payback your obligations of debt to State or FAMILY? Are they so strong that you would man up too it. I think not! Be careful what you wish for! I may just tell ***** of your special needs (Family bail out's, repo's etc. and get rich quick BS. "Build a house and sell it." " I Know. I follow *****, dad, Please invest!"= lose your entire retirement account) ideals so strong too own it?. I believe ***** just may have a few suggestions as to your beliefs and hypocrisy to family and society, if she were to know, (Wow that would be interesting).
I think you understand my interest in this subject. Do you care to take this further?
Oh, by the way,where will you invest your half of the weekly check? May I offer a suggestion? How about a equity loan?
Please do not fuck with my daughter again! Got it ASSHOLE!!
Thanks in advance,
***- A benefactor to you and your wife's piggish, hypocritical behavior
He is on State aid, owes me thousands, my sister saved his house from foreclosure for over 10K. Yet he preaches the stance that the same things he does are the ones dragging down the US economy and that Liberals are "retards".
I will finally reach my Fuck up. I had to call and apologize to my brother for my email to keep the peace, so that my daughter can live a normal life at my parents house. I hate myself, not for telling the truth, but for claiming it was a mistake, I apologized to just to keep the peace.
Did I fuck up? Is telling the truth a Fuck up? I hate myself for not sticking to my convictions, even if it makes her life easier.
So much more to this!
ReddiholicAnon: Could you have taken the 'high road' and vented your frustration and pent-up anger in a more tactful, classier way... probably so. However, I do understand. You reached a breaking point. We all have them. When that happens we sometimes turn to trailer trash/ghetto methods.
Its all good. Your bro is a loser. Hopefully you are around to witness karma at work in his life.
DoucheBro72: You are so correct. I have and try to take the high road. I was just so incredibly pissed. I fucked up. I felt he was picking on my daughter. I feel so terrible I am having trouble sleeping. I did apologize to my bro and we had a decent conversation afterwards. But I feel so bad for laying it out I am having trouble getting over it.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1405540196 | 1405542503 | t3_2avy80 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Bordercontrolfuckup: TIFU by forgetting I had my dog in my trunk
[deleted]: You couldn't just turn around and call someone for help? Putting the dog down seems a bit extreme to just accept so easily...
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Yeah, is there no option "Uh... give me a second to call someone to bring the papers..."
| 3 | 1 | |
1405540777 | 1405541880 | t3_2avzbt | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking toilet paper availability.
Had to use a throwaway as my colleague knows my reddit account... but here goes.
I have spent the whole week working on a presentation for an extremely lucrative contract. After a frantic 2.5 hours of travelling and making final adjustments, we got to the venue 10 minutes early. Decided to drop a quick nerves poo while we waited for a competitor to finish. It had been a long time coming, and with the 'release' euphoria I was experiencing, I was starting to feel quite a bit more relaxed. However, when I went to get some toilet paper... completely empty. In panic, I searched the room and my bag for options. Nothing in the room (not even cardboard toilet paper tubes), and the only possible option in my bag was my macbook cover which was ready to retire anyway. It was as far from a miracle poo as is possible so there wasn't really a lot of alternatives.
While I was pondering how I hide the cover in the bin, I got a text from my colleague saying 'hurry up! they've opened up the room for us to set up'. Starting to stress, I decided that I'd listen carefully to the footsteps/taps/doors and when there was no one else in there, I'd bail to the next cubicle.
It felt like I'd been waiting at least 5 mins before I was confident the room was empty, but when it was I made my move. Large bag in one hand, suit jacket in the other, and my pants/boxers around my thighs, I flicked open the lock and went for the next cubicle.
Got 1 step out, then the door opened. Older guy in a suit looked at me and just froze. We made what was was probably fuck all of a second of eye contact, and I ducked into the other cubicle. Was sweating so much I almost slipped off the seat when I saw down. Sorted it out, waited another eternity for him to leave, then washed my hands and left.
You can guess who was 2nd from left on the panel that we were pitching to. This was 6 hours ago and I'm still physically sweating about it and have told no one.
ALWAYS CHECK BEFORE YOU SIT DOWN.
Uhhhhdel: I would have gone on sockless.
r1pp3rj4ck: He was wearing a suit and going to present. That wouldn't be much better either.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405543047 | 1405695563 | t3_2aw3p7 | t5_2to41 | 67 | driedjizzhelppls: TIFU by being a horny 12 year old.
I'm not 12 now.
When I was 12, I jerked off. A lot. The thing is, when I came, I just let it fly. All under my desk. The desk is attached to my bed, which is above it. I used to have a bunk bed, but I removed the bottom one.
The jizz dried. It left stains. Not just stains, but the jizz itself dried. It is there, crusty, inbetween the panels of wood. My mom wants to give the bed/desk away. Very, very soon.
How the fuck do I clean this up?
stewmberto: I read somewhere that the enzymes in saliva are ideal for breaking down the proteins that keep dried jizz stuck to things. Good luck OP.
javaski: They have to be applied DIRECTLY from the mouth and cannot be exposed to air or else the enzymes break down and don't work.
SidiusMaximus89: You guys are so mean...hahahahahaha
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1405545297 | 1405605433 | t3_2aw7s3 | t5_2to41 | 29 | JonnyZantana: TIFU by asking for my first beer ever at a party
Well not today but I copied this from a journal entry the saterday after highschool ended:
I am officially now a junior in high school as of friday. Last night I celebrated by going to a bon fire party at the beach with my buddy Ronaldo. We swam, played football, ate the shittiest hot dogs of our lives and just chilled out. Now the bon fire we attended was a Junior one. However 20 yards away from us another one was also thrown. That one was a senior one, with drinks and weed. Me and my buddy Ronaldo have now begun to get bored from the bon fire we where at since it was basically full of all the nerdy kids at our school (including me). We rack up the idea that we will walk over to the Senior bon fire and ask for a beer. We have never drunk before but we tought it would be a cool experience and it'd be nice making connections with all the popular kids and gorgeous girls. We decided we would share one beer because our grandma was driving us back home and we wouldn't want to be flat out drunk and vomiting all over her slippers. So I tell my buddy "alright your taller, walk over to the cooler by the Asians and ask for a drink" i stand back and pretend to text on my phone as I watch Ronaldo, nervous as fuck, walk over to the group of huge body lifting Asians we didn't know. He arrives and they're already looking at him funny. He put on shades and a low fitting baseball cap before going up to ask. I kid you not when he gets there he stands in front of them for a whole minute looking over his shoulder and to the sky kicking the sand in front him nervously while they're all staring at him. He eventually whispers "can i have one?" The thing is he whispers at such a low volume they don't hear him. They respond in confusion and amusement "speak up". Ronaldo looks around again and acting sketchy as fuck puts his lips to the Asian dude's ear and agian whispers "can i get one? " while pointing to the cooler. The asain guy responds with "sure " he opens up the cooler and inside are a bunch of CAPRI SUNS. The cooler for the beer was being restocked at their car a mile away. THERE WAS NO ALCHOL. Every one was by now looking at us and begun laughing they're asses off. To try to save some dignity Ronaldo finishes by yelling to everyone with teary eyes "That's wat I was FUCKING ASKING FOR! CAPRI SUN!" He then claws for a Capri sun and drinks it ferociously in front of the whole Senior party. I walk away ashamed and awkward as fuck. **Emberassing*
TimeAndDisregard: I started dating a Muslim girl at college a few months ago. I'm a white guy in the middle of America so I don't know too much about Islam, but there happens to be a restaurant nearby that sells middle eastern food. We decided to go there so she could show me what food is like where she's from. When the waiter approached us with the menus and asked what we'd like to start out with, I handed him my ID and asked what kind of beers they have. They both just kind of stared at me awkwardly for a few seconds.
Daylen: They don't drink beer or what?
TimeAndDisregard: Alcohol is prohibited in the Islam faith.
Daylen: That's stupid lol, how would you even live without alcohol
Nanomight: It's surprisingly easy.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1405549534 | 1405629083 | t3_2awfa4 | t5_2to41 | 1,011 | 1100110x: TIFU by leaving my bedroom window open. nsfw
I haven't been home for more than an hour in the last two weeks because my bathroom is getting remodeled. this morning was the first time I've had the house to myself.
out came the porn.
my bedroom is on the third floor and my bed is low to the ground. super private. it was also about 90 degrees outside so naturally, my window was open and my blinds were drawn.
I let this particular orgasm build for a good hour. just before I reached the point of no return, I heard a big dump-truck sounding thing outside. no biggie. I shut the window quickly and resumed.
then I explode with the force of a thousand bionic centaurs. I opened my eyes to find a Mexican dude in the basket of a cherry picker, looking right the fuck in.
today, our townhouses are getting repainted and no one told me.
our jaws dropped simultaneously.
I tried to play it off like he didn't just catch me dropping loads with my tits out while watching porn.
guys, today I fucked up by having a full-blown, screaming orgasm in front of a painter in a cherry picker.
EDIT:
Proof: http://imgur.com/bE87zKw
dropping loads : nick manning : hilarious.
Ingens_Testibus: You leave the window open when it's 90 degrees out? Granted, that isn't all that hot for summer by the normal standards of where I live but I'd still have those windows closed and the AC blasting.
1100110x: no AC unit here. bonkers, I know.
Ingens_Testibus: My God.
1100110x: is that a good or bad 'my god'?
Ingens_Testibus: Very bad. I'm not one to "rough it." I'd die without AC but then again summers here can get to be 105 with horrible humidity. Like I said though...even 90.
Also, I just realized that I read a story from a girl about rubbing one out and the only thing I seemed to get from it was your lack of proper air conditioning.
dragontology: It's a regional thing. I grew up in California. AC or central air was something rich people had. I live in NC now. We have three. Central air is old and isn't worth a fuck, but we can't really turn it off because it does a little. And we have two window units. Bedroom and living room. Two fans in the living room as well. This is practically essential here.
And you know, a 5000 BTU window unit doesn't cost that much. About $150 at Lowe's and then I think the Energy Star sticker said about $75 a year, but that's running all the time. You don't run it all the time, you put it in fan mode when you're not in the room, or cut it off.
1100110x: in CA. i'm thin enough to get by with just a box fan but AC would definitely be a plus.
commandx: I'm 6' and 130lbs.
I still die when it gets much above 80, AC is locked at 75 for me, and it still feels hot sometimes.
1100110x: I'm 110 at 5'6"
cold-blooded
commandx: Yeah I'm hot blooded, check it and see
Feel the fever burning inside of me.
JiMM4133: Are those the lyrics? I always thought it was "Feel the fever of a hundred degrees".
commandx: It is for all but one line of the song.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/foreigner/hotblooded.html
Edited because I quit being lazy and looked it up myself.
| 13 | 77.769231 | |
1405549115 | 1405554175 | t3_2awekt | t5_2to41 | 12 | SpankMcGankins: TIFU by semi-accidentally taking six bong hits my first time smoking marijuana.
For starters, this was actually yesterday. I found a stash of pot along with a bong in my parents' bedroom (it's technically legal here), and I was home alone so I decided I should try it while I'm here at home, so I don't end up tripping balls off of laced weed with a group of strangers during college. I got everything ready, looked up how to smoke a bong (I'm a pretty sheltered kid, believe it or not), and went for it.
I'd heard a bunch of times that if you've never smoked anything before, you're most likely gonna cough a lung up if the smoke even TOUCHES the top of your lungs. So. I take a huge rip off the bong, find myself completely uncoughing, and decide that I must have done it wrong. Then I do the exact same thing. Same result. So now I'm thinking, "Okay, if I did it right I would be feeling something by now, and I'm pretty sure I did it right both of those times. Oh shit, maybe this isn't even weed and I just have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm doing."
At this point, I decided to try a little nug (is that what it's called, 'nug'? whatever) from the other bag, because maybe the one I tried was some chaser-type thing you smoke after weed. Or something. I don't know.
So I put another piece of weed (that I'm assuming was a different strain) into the bowl, and smoked the entire thing. By now, I've decided this was all a fucking giant mistake, this shit isn't even weed, and it's time to clean this big-ass mess up.
So, by now I have six lung-fulls of Mary Jane smoke circulating throughout my bloodstream, and it really starts to kick in while I'm cleaning the bathroom, and at that point is where I basically don't remember a goddamn thing. I'm just lucky I took a video of the whole thing that I looked back on today.
Needless to say, I was high as fuck for like two and a half hours, during which I video called my best friend, and he recorded the entire thing. FML.
And just to be completely clear, I now understand that it was all real weed, I was doing everything right (aside from smoking a shit-ton too much), and I just must have somewhat insensitive lungs.
localh211: Please share the video!
SpankMcGankins: Yeah, but heaven forbid it gets popular and my parents find out...
Its_Just_Luck: What are they going to do ? Punish you for doing the same thing they're doing and they know it's harmless ? I wanna see this too !!
| 4 | 3 | |
1405550390 | 1405629381 | t3_2awgt0 | t5_2to41 | 85 | ___hipsterold: TIFU by telling my daughter's bf to stop playing with himself.
So.. My daughter's bf who is an athletic 6'4 always wears athletics shorts. Apparently this causes his man parts to swing loose ( I guess regular pants are more constrictive so it's not so much if an issue then ??) Subsequently he's always scratching his balls or unconsciously touching his stuff ALL THE TIME. Now that I've brought it to his attention everyone thinks I am focused on his junk. He's an adult, I have an adult son and husband and neither of them have ever done this. It's uncomfortable to watch and I don't even think he realizes how much he does it. I should have kept my mouth shut but I thought if no one brings it to his attention my family will surely notice at our up coming family reunion. The family reunion in which he will meet everyone for the FIRST time. And, I know he is nervous about everyone liking him.
Edit: Honest to God, problem solved. After dating a year my daughter broke up with him tonight. Nothing to do with this issue ;) but I am relieved of my duties. Maybe telepathically this thread put those heebie jeebie vibes out there. Thanks for the advice. I hope I never have to deal with this again.
torbjorn_bradda: Shoot some video with your phone for about 10minutes showing them together. Show it to your daughter later and ask her to count the number of times he touches his junk. Ask her how many times is acceptable in polite social culture.
This boy isn't your son but he Is your daughter's problem.
She bears some responsibility here, if she's as alert as you suspect.
___hipsterold: Great idea. I'm definitely doing this. Thanks!
Chapshow: Horrible idea, do not do that.
torbjorn_bradda: Care to elaborate beyond a superfluous judgement?
Seldarin: Because if you think "Stop touching your balls, future son-in-law" was awkward, wait until someone tries "Hey daughter, I video taped your boyfriend touching his balls, now let us sit and watch it together.".
torbjorn_bradda: Ah, i see the misunderstanding.
You took my suggestion to mean 'Zoom in on his balls' but neither I nor the OP saw it that way.
But you're perfectly correct: recording video of the bf scratching his balls is a terrible suggestion
Bootswithderfuhrer: It's still weird in your scenario
| 8 | 10.625 | |
1405551784 | 1405614229 | t3_2awj2l | t5_2to41 | 74 | [deleted]: TIFU by wanking with Colgate (NSFW)
Okay so I just saw another TIFU which reminded me of this said incident.
It happened a few years ago in my early teens. 14 I think.
The day starts about 9 am it's Saturday so everyone's home, I was a teenage boy and a hormonal little sod.
I needed my daily fix of 10 wanks, So I went into the bathroom locked the door and turned the shower on, I usually do this so that my parents wont hear me fapping and groaning into oblivion.
anyhow, the normal feeling of shaft tugging wasn't going down for me that day, So i enlisted the help of toothpaste.
I would never ever ever recommend toothpaste as a masturbation aid.
So I gets down to business, rub it all over my balls and scrotum, it felt amazing for the first 10-15 seconds but after that it was pure fire.
For all my body knew I dipped my dick in acid.
I frantically jump in the shower in an attempt to rinse off the heat, for the most part it worked, except my balls they wouldn't cool down. I wrapped a towel round them, left them to cool and went onto MSN Messenger to talk to my friends.
About an hour later I took the towel off and noticed that the skin was horrible around my nuts.
**TLDR I had scarred my left ball sack with Colgate toothpaste.**
[Proof if anyone wishes too see my scarred ball]
(http://i.imgur.com/nnRyFfN.png)
ROFLMC: I think your biggest fuck up was using MSN Messenger.
ICannotHelpYou: Back in my day, where I live at least, you weren't cool unless you had MSN, over 200 friends on it, and an obnoxious amount of incredibly terrible emoticons.
mq999: MSN Messenger was beast! I made a email for it, ya know what I'm saying. No ragrets. Except that I joined too late.
ICannotHelpYou: I still use my hotmail account...that email is older than people who are in school.
mq999: Hotmail is the best. Who cares about those traitorous Gmail converts?
british_grapher: I still have an @msn.com account lol, it's an *antique*.
| 7 | 10.571429 | |
1405549134 | 1411101119 | t3_2awem1 | t5_2to41 | 62 | JackTurkeyDinosaur: TIFU by letting a Down's syndrome girl fly a very large RC helicopter into her face in front of her mother.
A while back when I was 15 I was working in retail selling remote control helicopters in a toy store. A woman comes in with her daughter who has Down's syndrome and asks me weather I think her daughter is capable of flying one of our products. I tell her about a model we have that is very simple to fly, has a cage around the out side of it and is very durable making the resulting damage of an accident very minimal is her daughter manages to crash it, then I offer to go and get our demo model so she can try it out in the shop. Bare in mind this helicopter is around 4ftx4ft with a plastic bouncey round cage around the outside.
I bring it over and explain to her daughter how to control it, very slowly with lots of detail so hopefully she can pick it up no problem and I'll make a nice $150 sale and a healthy commission. I hand over the controls and she aggressively flys the helicopters straight up to the 30ft high ceiling, it bounces back down and flys directly into her daughters face. The second the helicopter hit the ceiling she threw the controller on the ground and tried to defend herself by throwing her hands in front of her face in the most hilarious way possible and then proceeded to get smacked right in the nose by it as it falls down with exceptional force. I know it was wrong and I'm ashamed of myself for doing so, but it was so perfect I just burst out laughing uncontrollably. Literally thought I was going to suffocate. Her mother gave me the worst look of disgust I've ever seen, calls me an asshole, then picks up the helicopter and proceeds to buy it all while I'm picking myself up off the floor from laughing so much. On their way out of the store I couldn't even look at them, still trying with all my strength to hold back giggles.
And that's the story of how I got the most undeserving commission check of my life. I even ended up winning most sales that week. Don't get me wrong I'm usually really good with children and mentally disabled people, but seriously I can't imagine anyone seeing what I saw and not laughing their ass off. I swear even for a second her mother smirked.
Man I bet everyone who witnessed that in the store tried to get me fired. Luckily the boss wasn't in and the assistant manager thought it was funny too.
wheep: It could have been worse...
http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Toy-Helicopter-Head-Teen-Brooklyn-Gravesend-222576101.html
JackTurkeyDinosaur: Oh shit... I used to hear all sorts of stories like that but never thought it happened. :L lucky I gave her the "special" helicopter with the safety cage.
Lonnma: "Special" helicopter for a "special" girl.
Cobrastrikenana: You're going to hell, but at least you get upvotes for it
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1405572620 | 1405594564 | t3_2awis7 | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: Can someone explain the humor in this comment? I'm not getting it.
fatelviss: haha you don't need to know
boopzilla: THAT'S NOT THIS SUB
beeraholikchik: frist of all how **dare** yo u
[deleted]: hi my name is katey holds up spork
themediocrebritain: hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
love and waffles,
t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m
[deleted]: Greetings, everyone. I am new. (One second – let me get this spork out of the
way.) My name is Katy, but you can call me the Penguin of Doom. (I’m laughing
aloud.) As you can plainly see, my actions have no pattern whatsoever. That is
why I have come here. To meet similarly patternless individuals, such as myself.
I am 13 – mature for my age, however! – and I enjoy watching Invader Zim
with my girlfriend. (I am bisexual. Please approach this subject maturely.)
It is our favorite television show, as it adequately displays stochastic
manners of behavior such as we possess.
She behaves without order – of course – but I wish to meet more individuals
of her and my kind. As the saying goes, “the more, the merrier.”
Ah, it is to laugh. Anyway, I hope to make many friends here, so please
comment freely.
Doom!
That is simply one of many examples of my random actions. Ha, ha. Fare
thee well. I wish you much love and waffles.
Yours,
The Penguin of Doom.
t3h_PeNgU1N_0F_d00m_: Beat me to it
[deleted]: hi every1 im new!!!!! charges mah lazr my name is ted but u can call me Anonymous!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 22 years old (i still live w/ my mom tho!!) i like 2 look at mudkip threads with my boyfreind (im bi if u dont like it gtfo) its our favorite kindof thred!!!! bcuz their SOOOO random!!!! hes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of friends here so give me lots of replieses! DESUDESUDESUDESUDESU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _ hehe…toodles!!!!!
traps and cp,
Anonymous
t3h_PeNgU1N_0F_d00m_: You're killin me Smalls
[deleted]: I don't have anymore :(
t3h_PeNgU1N_0F_d00m_: http://imgur.com/n8buHeQ
[deleted]: frist of all how *dare* yo u
| 13 | 2 | |
1405554784 | 1405560605 | t3_2awo0t | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining a $20,000 renovation.
To some this may not seem like a big deal but to me... I really messed up. I am a youth leader at a local church. Our church is undergoing some serious renovations. The current installation that is being worked on is the men's bathroom. I thought it would be spontaneous to cross the caution tape and go check it out. I made a couple giant leaps and then realized that the floor I was walking on had just been coated with some very expensive paint/finish. Without thinking I sprinted for the exit. This is where I really messed up. With wet paint coated kicks on I step on our newly renovated $20,000 lobby floors. Shaken up by the realization of what I had just done I kicked my shoes off and ran for my car to change. I brought a few youth into my web of lies. Then I proceeded to help the pastor block off the bathroom, after telling him it wasn't me.
Any advice on what to do?
Edit: let me clarify that the 2 people that I told are youth leaders as well and are very good friends of mine...
needsakoreangf: You know what, everyone here is going to tell you to confess and everything will be okay. But how can you be sure about that? If you feel that you have to then just go for it, just don't throw yourself under the bus and force yourself into paying 7,000 plus in repairs to the renovation if that's what you truly want to do. If you're confident that the church can pay for it without any hiccups then just keep your mouth shut, if not then speak up. It's all on what you in you heart feel you must do.
FilthyNipple: This is the advice that I was hoping to hear. Thanks!
needsakoreangf: You're very welcome my friend, have a great day.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1405576361 | 1405579640 | t3_2awojb | t5_2to41 | 13 | zomgfruitbunnies: I mean, it ripped again eventually and then healed normally, so I guess there's not that much need for concern.
You'll be fine. Probably.
ThatThingUForgot: You may have just terrified every guy who has ever pushed a load out ever with that statement.
zomgfruitbunnies: If it's any consolation, guy said it didn't hurt at all. There was just a lot of blood when he wiped. Bidet instead of tp was also recommended.
"Don't push too hard" is the lesson here, me thinks. If you really want to get something out, use an enema.
ThatThingUForgot: I'm more of a relax and let it do its own thing guy so i think i'm good to go but that's better advice than i would give.
zomgfruitbunnies: A lot of people in my family has problems related to constipation. Let's just say that while I'm no shit-doctor I do know a thing or two about how to deal with tough shit.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1405557455 | 1405562169 | t3_2awsbv | t5_2to41 | 8 | daegon: TIFU by throwing away a lifetime supply of tupperware because I moved it in a trash bag.
I just moved into an apartment with a friend, we went to college together and work in similar areas. We spent the evening unpacking the kitchen and sorting through pots and pans. He put several trash bags by the door to go to the trash and I threw them in the dumpster last night.
One of them was my horde of tupperware. Lock & Lock, Glasslock, Rubbermaid, I only kept the good stuff from my last place, but now it's all gone because I didn't check the trash bags before I tossed them.
Yes, the dumpster's already been emptied.
So it goes.
Brenvol: Note to self: Use boxes, not trash bags, to pack.
daegon: http://i.imgur.com/nAAV5d4.jpg
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405556683 | 1405585385 | t3_2awr4a | t5_2to41 | 4 | dmdaily: TIFU by yelling at an extreme athelete with Down Syndrome
I am an avid snowboarder and this past winter, me and my girlfriend went to hit the mountain for a little. We got to the mountain and it was PACKED. I mean people were everywhere. I didn't really think anything of it and took the lift to start the day.
I'm cruising down the slope just getting comfortable with the mountain when this jackass comes out of nowhere and plows right into me. I got up pissed yelling all the obscenities I could think of and the guy is just staring at me. "What is up with this dude" I wondered. I proceeded to yell and scream until finally, the dude just rode away. He never said a word. I rode the rest of the way down the mountain still a little steamed and finally got to the bottom. I look after unstrapping and see a huge banner saying "Welcome Special Olympics". Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I walk back towards the lift when I see the guy that hit me. He had his goggles off and was talking to someone older chilling at the lodge. Yep, he had Down Syndrome. Before they could see me I ran off and felt like shit for the rest of the week.
5unbr0: You're not a dick bro; sounds like he's in the wrong, he could be fucking Jesus himself and still be wrong. Your anger was justified.
orose24: His anger was disproportionate to the situation.
5unbr0: How is that so?
Robert(Down{e}y Jr) could have caused OP to crash into someone else, who could then have caused someone else to crash into them, (slippery slope, pun very much intended).
Worse could have happened, thankfully OP is well experienced and did not panick and injure himself or someone else.
| 4 | 1 | |
1405559297 | 1405559761 | t3_2awv4p | t5_2to41 | 5 | davydhatesyou: TIFU By Lighting My Hand On Fire
...but at least the tick I was trying to kill is dead.
Second degree burns on my dominant hand. Yay...
TheDulin: How did you make that happen?
MennyC123: Probably a lighter
TheDulin: Ouch.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1405560317 | 1405561903 | t3_2awwqs | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally almost abducting a little girl.
So I was at 7-11 getting some candy to stuff into my stupid face. A black man walked in. It doesn't really matter that he was black, but he was.
I got my candy and I went out to get into my car. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing. I had a candy bar. I was breathing heavily and my stupid, fat fingers were fumbling with the wrapper.
Turns out the black guy drove a car exactly like mine. I opened the door and started to get inside when suddenly I heard the most horrified wail I've ever heard. There was a little girl in the back seat and when she saw me climbing into the car she started screaming bloody murder. Which scared the FUCK out of me. My first thought was "holy shit, why the fuck is there a little girl in my car?"
And then I realized it wasn't my car. It was broad daylight. A little girl is screaming her fucking head off. Her dad is inside the convenience store. I fucking ran to my car. If the window had been down I would have dove in like a fucking Duke of Hazard. Then I peeled the fuck out of there.
Now that I'm home and my sweet, sweet candy bar has soothed my fears somewhat, I realized that that little girl probably thinks a strange man was coming in her car to kidnap her or something. And she probably told that to her father in absolute hysterics. And he's probably called the cops. And they've probably reviewed store footage of me, the alleged child abductor.
Whoops.
llDnaeLll: You could've given the candy bar.
But then again Candy > Possible Conviction
[deleted]: Isn't that kind of exactly what child abductors do, offer candy to little kids? I don't think that would help my case.
llDnaeLll: Maybe her dad went in to get a candy bar for her but he got the wrong one. He sees you give her the one she actually likes and thinks "hmm... This man sure knows about little girls. I should ask him for advice. Then bada-bing, you got a new best friend
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405559084 | 1405694487 | t3_2awutl | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by Signing a Lease Too Quickly
A little back history: My family and I don't get along too well, especially since my mom is a little bit on the crazy side which makes it so we don't get along too well. She doesn't approve of my relationship with my boyfriend and makes that extremely known to both me and my boyfriend. She will listen through the door when I am on Skype with my boyfriend, (we are in a long distance relationship because he is currently stationed on an Army base in Korea), question me if I am out later than 11:30 at night or try to control and micromanage me in general. Considering that I am twenty years old I find this unnecessary. By the way she doesn't approve of my relationship because of two factors: he is six years older than me and he is 6'8 which she thinks 'looks freaky' because I am five foot. Honestly we met through a mutual friend and fell for each other over the phone before we met in person so that was never a factor for me. Well because of this craziness I decided to quickly suck up the fact that I am broke and get an apartment to reclaim my life and privacy. I found a place that was good in price, seemed clean and good and was right next to my work and my school which is crutial because I am an unstable epileptic (absent seizures) so I currently can't drive. I went there, quickly got approved and didn't really check the area out that good. I just want out quick.
So I am doing my transfer to work at the Walmart that is close to me and every time I had to give the address and store number to a manager or associate in order to get my job lined up every single person had the same response "That Walmart? Oh... I hope you are living somewhere safe!" or "Oh wow...that one? Haha good luck." and better yet "...And you're going to live by yourself! Be careful!!". Now I started to get a bit panicky and worried because I just signed my lease and I finally asked my store manager why people keep on saying that. Apparently I have transferred to one of the most ghetto, crime ridden stores that had their store manager fired suddenly so they are without real management and I am pretty much going to be the only white person in that neighborhood. And I am stuck there for the next thirteen months.
trampabroad: Pepperspray.
therealqicksilver: Screw that, get your permit and start packing.
Actually, on second thought don't screw that. Carry both.
trampabroad: That sounds like it would burn....
therealqicksilver: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 5 | 7 | |
1405561533 | 1405614673 | t3_2awyno | t5_2to41 | 1,349 | Vote4PedroWedro: TIFU by sitting on my boyfriends face..
So my boyfriend comes home from work and he's feeling a little frisky.. so we start fooling around, you know, the usual, and we wanted to try a different position and try something new, so he told me to sit on his face and I obliged. It was so amazing and new and it felt so fucking good, but as I started to climax I tried really hard to hold everything in but my body wouldn't let me and it all came out like a flood.. which then proceeded to get in his nose and mouth and not in a good way.. I basically almost drowned him in my juice. He's completely fine but we decided that's a position we wont try again..
TL;DR I sat on my boyfriends face and almost drowned him in my juice.
BackntheUSSR: This happened to me on my first experience with a squirter, also a one-night stand...
She showed me how to use my hands and I got her to squirt a good few times and decided to try something else when that got boring. I didn't realize some girls could squirt just from clitoral stimulation. She's grinding on my face and I'm loving it.
Suddenly, she squirts all over my face as she comes, well directly into my mouth. I'm so surprised that I just swallowed it without thinking. I regret nothing.
the_moist_maker_: I wish I could meet a girl like that. That sounds hot honestly. I'm guessing the squirt didn't taste gross or anything?
[deleted]: My boyfriend said that female ejaculate just tastes like vagina. It doesn't have it's own taste beyond that.
the_moist_maker_: That's what I figured. Sadly the girls I've been with couldn't squirt. Oh well, maybe true love will come along some day.
[deleted]: I squirt really easily if I sit on my boyfriend's lap, face him, and have him finger my G spot. The record is 11 times in a row.
the_moist_maker_: I will fight your boyfriend for you. JK, he's a lucky guy.
PM_me_fullbody_nudes: I will fight to be your boyfriend.
EdgarThePanda: i will fight
Gheazu: I will
itsabirdplane: I?
bdepz: I BELIEVE
ifukurmom24_7: I BELIEVE THAT
man-of-God-1023: I BELIEVE THAT I AM SPARTACUS
| 14 | 96.357143 | |
1405564077 | 1405564451 | t3_2ax2lk | t5_2to41 | 8 | trampabroad: TIFU by telling someone about Google Translate
I work for an English-language magazine in China. I'm not one of the professional translators, but I pick up the slack sometimes when they're overworked.
The other day I bumped into my boss in the cafeteria. "That translation you did yesterday was absolutely spot-on. You even got all the nuances in the language. How on earth did you finish it so quickly?"
"Well actually...."
TL;DR When you do a magic trick, don't reveal the secret
sickladbro: Did you get fired?
trampabroad: No, but my coworkers are back to thinking I'm lazy and incompetent. The universe has righted itself.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405564707 | 1405579733 | t3_2ax3n1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking the hood off my BIC lighter. Fortunately my house did not burn down.
Often on BIC lighters I will take the child safety piece off of the spark wheel because that shit is obviously irritating. Well, today the entire hood came off by accident. I have done and seen this done before and just said oh well.
I was watching TV with said lighter on the table in front of me, minding my own business, when it suddenly exploded into a torch-like flame spewing from the flint area. I was barely able to grab it and shake out the flame before it caught something on fire or burned more than a few arm hairs. If I was not home when this happened it would have burned my house down.
http://imgur.com/AjaWdTO
My best guess at what happened is that I sat on and bent a valve leading to a small gas leak, and then static electricity built up and ignited the leak, which exploded the valve open (it was a large and terrifying flame). Anybody have a more likely explanation?
spekters: you're a firebender
Wheezin_Ed: [pic of OP](http://images.wikia.com/avatar/images/archive/4/4b/20110106060221!Fire_Lord's_clothes.png)
| 3 | 1 | |
1405566390 | 1405582816 | t3_2ax6ak | t5_2to41 | 3 | dalonelystoner: TIFU by putting it in the butt of an obese women on Tinder
So...it's been a while since I have had sex and I was desperate to meet someone. My roommates were gone for the evening seeing a movie and I decided to invite a girl off Tinder over. I was surprised to find out that she was willing to come over and hang out, but I was excited to see what she would look like in real life. She came over and I was not very attracted to her but after a few glasses of wine, I felt like trying to get out of my cold streak. I ended up accidentally putting my penis in her asshole and she was completely cool with it. As an avid porn watcher, I completed a goal of mine. Unfortunately, I was unable to orgasm as I am still and was thinking about a girl from work who I have feelings for.
TL;DR Fucked a girl off Tinder in the ass, couldn't cum cause of a girl I care about.
johnnywacko: Her being obese doesn't matter in the story. You are just being a dick.
hazardousduke: Why would it not matter to the story? It's **his** story so he can include that detail if he wants. Maybe he personally doesn't fancy women of the obese type. So telling us he had sex with this lard ass cements the fact even more that on that day, he fucked up...
| 3 | 1 | |
1405567946 | 1405574238 | t3_2ax8r4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | momasmilk: TIFU by forgetting to eat my breakfast.
So today I really fucked up. Told started out like any other day. It's my day off from work and I got to sleep in for the first time in almost a month. Once I'm fully awake I checked my phone and saw that I had a text from a guy that I work with that I've been trying to go out with. He wanted to know if I wanted to go out on a day date with him. Hell yes! I've been after this guy for almost a year now. So I go make my morning PB&J sandwich and then smoke some trees. After this I decide that I need to take a shower forgetting to eat said sandwich. I get dressed and run out the door to go meet him. So after we meet up we smoke some more and then decide to head out to the lake to paddle around some. After some paddling we make it over to one of his friends house out on the lake and we stop to talk to him... this turned out to be a mistake. We chill there for sometime. We all have a beer and smoke some more. Then it started to storm so we all ran up to his house. Once there we decide to finish smoking when all of the sudden BAM! I pass out. My head hits the flood hard.... I lay there passed out for a good 5 min before I come back to life. When I finally come thru I see them both standing over me freaking out. At this point I know what happened. My blood sugar had dropped and I need to eat something sweet. His friend just happens to be one on those people that don't keep sweets around. After digging around in his kitchen he comes back with some sugar free candy and some apples... like thats going to help right now. I eat the apples and then get up and find some peanut butter to eat too. Now the storm has passed and I feel better, normal, other than my head still hurting so we paddle back to his truck, load everything up and head back to my car. The whole way back he doesn't say a word, while I sit there trying to apologize for passing out. We get back to my car and I get out say I'm sorry again, tell him that I'll have to make up for it sometime and then I head home. Now he wont even respond to my text. This has to be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
flywheel1983: i already feel that you arent missing anything if thats what he thinks of you..
momasmilk: Thanks man.
Daveswaffles: Yeah, you're definitely not missing anything if he can't deal with that.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405568118 | 1405568953 | t3_2ax8zs | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting my dad spoilers of House of Cards
HOUSE OF CARDS SPOILERS:
I had just finished watching the episode where Frank had a threesome with his employee and wife. I texted my dad, who I had assumed watched the episode, saying "WHAT THE HOUSE OF THREESOME. Well that was unexpected". No, he had not seen the episode and flipped out assuming I had texted the wrong number about a threesome I had just had. It was an awful few minutes of me trying to get my explanation across. I don't think I can ever look him in the eyes again.
EDIT: I'm a girl
johnnywacko: Why would pops be mad about threesome? Unless you are his son and it was devils threesome or you are his daughter...
mbryanne: yaaa daughter here
| 3 | 1 | |
1405552826 | 1405616224 | t3_2awkqn | t5_2to41 | 13 | squishypoo91: TIFU by not paying attention before taking a huge bong rip
So today I was out in the garage doin' my thang, about to smoke a small bowl before heading out for my day. I got my bong out of its special place I keep it in the garage and got everything all ready. I have my stupid daily routine of always listening to the same song while I'm taking my first hit so I was fiddling with the radio and not paying any attention to what I was doing. Until I felt a tickle on my lower lip. I pulled back, spluttering and coughing on the smoke. To my absolute horror, an earwig fell off my lip and onto my lap! An earwig! My least favorite bug on earth. I felt like I was gonna throw up. I cleaned the bong really well, but stuck with smoking out of my bubbler for the remainder of the afternoon
[deleted]: i would probably cry. once as a joke my friends loaded a bowl with a cig (i dont smoke cigs) and i wasnt paying attention and ripped the whole bowl and about died. thats what i get for not paying attention ehh?
soapbubble: How do you load a bowl with a cig? Did they just rip it apart and put the tobacco in the bowl?
squishypoo91: Yeah. And apparently smoking tobacco out of bongs, which is."what they are technically sold for" is the most horrible painful thing ever haha
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1405569044 | 1405611762 | t3_2axabc | t5_2to41 | 17 | regeneratexterminate: TIFU by throwing up on myself while driving
So this actually happened three days ago. After spending four hours at my aunts house doing genealogy research, my uncle came home from work and she invited me to stay for dinner with them. Dinner was great. We had a wonderful spinach and chicken salad with some boiled eggs and I was definitely still hungry by the time we finished. After talking for a few more minutes and clearing the table, I noticed something was off.
My stomach began to churn in that violent way where you know the ending is not going to be good. With every passing minute it was getting worse and I knew I was going to throw up. I thought about escaping to the bathroom and just getting it over with, but I was afraid my aunt and uncle would hear me (it's a very quiet house). Deciding to avoid the embarrassment of having to explain why in the world I just threw up after such great dinner when I didn't even understand myself why I was feeling so sick, I tried to pack it up and head for home as fast as I could.
I taught my aunt a few things on ancestry.com that way she could do some research herself, and each minute was grueling. Of course, the first time I did it too quickly in my haste to get the hell out of there, and we had to go through the process about three more times before she felt confident. By now it had only been about 10 minutes but I was dying. I packed up and gave her a quick hug without saying goodbye to my uncle and hauled ass.
My house is only a few minutes away and I thought I could make it home. I turned the air conditioner on and freeze myself hoping the cold air will help me out. I kept telling myself I was going to make it home, and that I didn't need to pull over. It probably wouldn't have really worked anyhow- the road I was on had a tiny shoulder, I had a line of cars behind me, and to top it off, it's a two lane road. I thought about just puking out of the window, but I’m short and I was afraid I would swerve into the other lanes. I finally made it to a place where I probably could have pulled into a parking lot, and on cue, I proceeded to throw up all over myself.
Of course I then remembered that I had a blanket in my backseat. I grabbed it and prepare for the rest. I threw up twice more into the blanket as I pulled up to a stop light trying not to let the car beside me know what was happening. I was now sitting in a pile of my own vomit with a blanket on top of that, and another pile of vomit on that.
I tried to find my phone to let my parents know to open the gate before I get home that way I wouldn't have to get out and back in my car and then out again, but I had left it in my purse in the back seat. I arrived home, opened the door, threw the mess of a blanket onto the driveway, and oh so carefully got out of my car, opened the gate, got back in the disgusting seat, and pulled in. I then had to shamefully explain to my parents what the hell happened while standing in the doorway covered in my mess (I felt like a five year old), shower with my clothes on, and clean my car. They had the look of "Am I really about to send this kid to college?"
The worst part is that it still smells just as bad as it did when it first happened.
**TL;DR : Ate some funky boiled eggs, threw up on myself three times on my way home. Rip my car.**
Wheezin_Ed: Fucking eggs man. They're either hit or miss, and by miss I mean miss the toilet when you barf.
regeneratexterminate: I usually enjoy them, but then again all boiled eggs I've ever eaten were freshly made. Whoops.
Wheezin_Ed: Most of the time I've been sick from eggs it's because some shitty diner will undercooked the scrambled eggs, so I'm not sure what made the boiled eggs so bad. I wonder if the eggs were just old or some junk.
regeneratexterminate: Well I know they weren't fresh because she got them out of the fridge. I have no idea how old they actually were though.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1405566884 | 1405577521 | t3_2ax72v | t5_2to41 | 2 | zsmaster23: TIFU By farting accidentally
So I usually help coach little kids in the morning at my high school, and this morning was no different.
I was running around coaching the little 4-8th grade devils when I noticed I had to go poop. Well I can't really just leave and go to the bathroom, so I held it in.
Jump forward 5 minutes, and the head honcho who was running this event calls all of the students over for a demonstration for the drill that we are doing, and has me help him. While we are doing the drill, I jump to try and block his shot and the highest-pitched fart I have ever heard comes out of my buttocks. I immediately try to play it off as nothing had happened, but the damage had already been done.
The kids didn't really know what happened and head honcho shoo'd them all away before they realized the majestic note coming out of my rear end. The varsity girls that were also helping out did not miss what they had just witnessed though, and tried to suppress their laughs for my sake. They all just ended up laughing uncontrollably.
TL;DR: Don't try to impress with farting.
Edit: Grammar
johnnywacko: "The highest fart i ever heard". This does not make sense. Find the mistake and fix it.
Wheezin_Ed: Way to be *that* guy.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405571914 | 1405809456 | t3_2axecz | t5_2to41 | 55 | gay_squirrel: TIFU by playing gay porn through my tv and stereo
Happened a while ago, post by /u/dopertoper's [post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2au7gf/tifu_by_watching_porn_on_my_60/) gave me the idea to share it.
A couple months ago i was in my room watching a movie on my computer streaming to my Apple TV and stereo, pretty good volume. Well some sex scene came on and i got all horny so i went to the bathroom with my computer to rub one out (parents had taken my phone away, computer was my only access to porn).
So i'm in the bathroom and add a new tab in Chrome (chrome was in fullscreen mode). So i get to my porn (gay porn) and start watching and rubbin and hear my dad outside the door say "WHAT THE FUCK". Yea...apparently my Apple TV "Mirror Display" feature was on and my gay porn was blaring through the house and on my TV.
No one knew i was gay....
shakaspeare: What kind of porn was it?
mq999: Gay.
shakaspeare: Twink, 3some, Bear, fisting, watersports, rimming, bukkake...etc etc etc?
Lehk: D) All of the above
3and4-fifthsKitsune: Mmm, twinky bears... :3
xeruskg: I believe otter is the word you are looking for ;)
3and4-fifthsKitsune: Yup, I'm one myself. XD
| 8 | 6.875 | |
1405573438 | 1405618420 | t3_2axgck | t5_2to41 | 23 | DLoops77: TIFU by eating Taco Bell while driving
I'll start from this morning. It was a normal day for me. I woke up at around 7:30 as I usually do so I could wake up and get to work on time. I did so, worked my 8 hours, clocked in, clocked out. My coworkers wanted to go out to get something to eat, but I wasn't feeling social today, so I passed and walked to my car.
However, I was feeling rather hungry. I'm currently on a diet, but I've been on it for a rather long time (around 6 months) so I had forgotten what the taste of a deliciously disgusting Taco Bell taco tasted like. Once I started thinking about it, I couldn't stop so I set my course to the nearest Taco Bell about 15 minutes away.
After driving for a bit I finally reached my destination. I pulled up to the drive-thru, placed my order for 2 tacos, a crunchwrap and a large Mountain Dew. I pulled up to the next window, paid for my order, and sat the bag of food on the passenger seat next to me. I checked my phone to see what time it was, and determined that I had enough time to eat in a parking space and be home in time for my family.
Let's just say I fucking ravaged those first 2 tacos. I scarfed them down like I've never seen what a scrap of food looked like before. As I'm about to move onto my crunchwrap, I get a phonecall from my wife asking where I am.
"You're at Taco Bell?! You said you'd drive Caitlyn (our daughter) to soccer practice!"
Shit. I hung up the phone and stepped on the gas with one hand on the wheel and another on my crunchwrap. I was doing 70 on the highway trying to rush back to get my daughter there on time.
But that crunchwrap was way to delicious. I was paying too much attention to the deliciousness, the amazingness, the...
I felt a thud. My windshield cracked. I pulled over and stepped out of my car to what was the remains of a now dead deer and a busted windshield along with other damages to my car. Caitlyn was late to practice.
TL;DR : I went to Taco Bell, forgot I had to drive my daughter to soccer practice, killed a deer and busted up my car because of a crunchwrap.
bowmaster17: You now have free venison
caffeinefueled: venison taco sounds good right about now
bowmaster17: One time, when we were visiting my aunt in rural NY, a whitetail jumped infront of the speeding car. It got killed instantly, but the meat was fine since it only got hit in the head and neck. We had venison steaks for the whole visit.
xNubScrubx: Mmmhhmmm, roadkill
bowmaster17: Yeah, but free deer is free
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1405573616 | 1405576108 | t3_2axgk9 | t5_2to41 | 16 | Mike9601: TIFU by drinking obviously expired milk lavishly.
So a bit of background story first: Myself and a few friends stayed at a mates house last night and got on the piss. The house owner (let's call him jack) is lactose intolerant so they mostly only have lactose free milk.
After waking up at around 10:40am the next morning, I felt the hunger bug itching. So I trekked down to the kitchen pantry to gorge myself on some delicious blueberry/cranberry cereal. I poured myself a gigantic bowel, I'm talking maybe 400 grams of cereal here, and went to find some lactose milk.
I checked in the fridge with delight, and I found a nice carton of hi lo milk, and then continued to pour the whole carton into my cereal bowl. From here I went to sit down near the fire place and browse reddit while talking to jack. After finishing 3/4 of the bowl, I told him that his cereal tasted somewhat like vomit, to which he said "which milk did you use?".
I told him about the hi lo milk, and he went and got the carton. A few seconds later he came back into the room and displayed the plastic carton. It had a clear sloppy, mouldy curd line running around the inside of the bottle. Great. I had one more spoonful and chucked the rest down the sink.
So now I'm battling the effects of chronic food poisoning and severe depression over wasted blueberry cereal.
johnnywacko: Severe depression over the cereal? Come on now.
Wheezin_Ed: > Don't cry over spilled milk.
Doesn't say anything about not crying for cereal.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1405573892 | 1405577336 | t3_2axgwk | t5_2to41 | 23 | chola80: TIFU by trying not to be a 'perv'.
Some things you need to know for this story
So, i work as a tennis coach and this week i help run a holidays clinic( that run in school holiday breaks)that consists of tennis games, barbecues and games est..
The kids always have a blast and its a really fun gig
ages range from 5-13.
Anyway today was the last day of the clinic and i was saying goodbye to the kids.. and hope you had fun see you next time and all that stuff
Suddenly this 6 year old girl stands up puts her arm out with a big smile and says 'hug'.
I felt really taken back and this felt a tad inappropriate as i was a male and we are told not to do any 'inappropriate' touching..
I hesitated and went for a high five instead and she turned around and started crying and run off to her mom and continued crying for what felt like ages... (her mom talked to me after and understood my action )
Well so i felt like a big piece of shit right now for ruining her time even tho i technically did the right 'thing'.
Dinosoarman: Not a fuck up.
chola80: sure feels like one
Dinosoarman: Well i think you did right.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1405572975 | 1405596473 | t3_2axfq2 | t5_2to41 | 22 | evounette: TIFU by eating chips
TIFU by eating in the dark... Old chips (3 weeks old without have them kept close). I was eating my chips for about 30 minutes in my bed when i realised there was an ant on my phone.. then I check with my phone the coffee table.. saw an other one.. then I turned on the light.. to saw that my bag of chips was FULL OF ANTS THAT I'VE BEEN EATING FOR THE PAST 30 MINUTES!!! So, it's been a big cleaning time at 11pm tonight..
TIFU by eating an old bag of chips full of ants..
BfromDET: well ants are good protein and now you know you could've been on fear factor
A_Talking_Tree: Some ants actually taste delicious the kind that we have here taste like a lemon candy
evounette: Delicious..
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1405576807 | 1405664759 | t3_2axkdf | t5_2to41 | 24 | Quziac: TIFU by replying to my mom
So today I was browsing around youtube having a laugh, sifting through my facebook and whatnot, wasting my time as usual. I hear a knock on my door.
It's my mom.
She stares at me and asks, "Quziac. Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?"
I was in completely different world at this time, so I acted with my natural instincts, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I mean that's what we all say at school, with friends. Close friends. Who know you're joking. Not with your own mom.
And that was when the horror had kicked in. I had used a stereotypical insult on my own mother. I tried to laugh it off like, "Hahahaaaaaa...!" but it just made things more awkward.
I turned around.
Death stare.
And so today marks the fastest time I've ever gotten off my chair to clean up my room.
TL;DR : I told my mom to go back into the kitchen without thinking.
laughs-for-you: Hahaha.
passing_words: Downvoted? But he's laughing for you!
laughs-for-you: Thank you! You understand.
| 4 | 6 | |
1405575464 | 1405620685 | t3_2axito | t5_2to41 | 6 | Retral-Mega: TIFU by getting lost in the woods.
My friend and I were walking down a trail in the woods to find a good area with high elevation for a project. We find a place after about ten minutes of walking and start to create markers so we'd know how to get there.
We were in the woods near his house. We walked back towards his house, but here's the funny part. It wasn't his house. We came out of the woods at some random person's house.
We went back in and walked in the same original direction.
I finally got the idea to use my phone as a GPS and found out we'd been going the wrong way for fifteen minutes.
I had shorts on because I didn't expect an adventure, and got attacked by wild sticker bushes. My legs were bleeding by the time we got back.
Wheezin_Ed: Not to mention the witch that inhabits the woods and ruins your film project.
Retral-Mega: Not a film project. Just a personal project.
Wheezin_Ed: It was a joke. Your story almost sounded like Blair Witch Project.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405578208 | 1405579531 | t3_2axlz8 | t5_2to41 | 6 | throwawayfuckupped: TIFU by wearing only my underwear
ThisIsNotMyTrueForm: And....?
d_meaty: And then I found five dollars...
6romperstomper9: scrunched up in my brothers foreskin so I....
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1405579210 | 1405583307 | t3_2axn2j | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU - Sleeping Naked with an upset stomach
[deleted]: I fail to see how clothing would have helped.
[deleted]: It would have atleast kept it in my underwear.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405575756 | 1406044116 | t3_2axj67 | t5_2to41 | 232 | Mega_Dunsparce: TIFU By making it look like i was training my little sister to become a member of either the Nazi party or the KKK
So.
I took my 4 year old sister to KFC today as i'd promised her over the weekend, and we ordered our food and began to try and find a place to sit. Lil sis wanted to sit by the window, and i looked past a family to where she had indicated too, to see the window seat covered in the last customers rubbish and brown bags and shit. The conversation with my little sister, as i knelt down beside her with my back towards the window, went something like this:
Sis: ''Why can't we sit dere Danul?''
Me: ''Look over there, we cant sit there'' * I Point behind my back in general direction of trash *
Sis: ''Why not?''
Me: ''See all the dirty greasy muck and the old brown dirt? Someone hasnt been doing their job and throwing them in the trash.''
Its at this point i hear screaming behind me.
I turn round, still pointing,
And almost shit myself.
Im pointing **straight** at this fucking family in front of the seat.
*And they're fucking African. Like full on Oh Shit Tyrone very very black Family of 4.*
My blood runs cold as i see a little African girl in a school blouse showing mommy and daddy her book report, and a brother in a football kit, both of them around 10, Both in tears along with her mother. You all need to keep in mind i'm 15 and have just instructed my little sister on how to be a true Aryan blooded member of the Ku Klux Klan.
**TL:DR - I had to carry my little sister under my arm like a rugby ball as i got chased by a black man after calling his family disgusting dirty brown muck which should be thrown away**
[deleted]: You should've called them racist for assuming you were talking about them.
vamoose1: How would they be racist?
CrystalElyse: Saying nasty things? He *must* be talking about black people. Who else gets described as trash?
That's most likely the line of thought. Which is rather racist.
dorianfinch: He was pointing at them and he used the word "brown." I feel that might make me pretty touchy.
herhighnessmyspleen: brown is different than black...
dorianfinch: i have never seen a person who is actually [this color](http://blacklabelsociety.com/home/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/spacer.jpg)
| 7 | 33.142857 | |
1405583501 | 1405584060 | t3_2axr61 | t5_2to41 | 17 | oopswrongnumber: TIFU by inviting my friend's mom to a drinking competition
Was putting together a thing called a 'vice race', and texted my friend Lucy about it (Vice race - two teams of 5, each team has 30 beers, 1 bottle of wine, 5 shots of vodka and a large pizza. SSB style - Race to the finish). Lucy doesn't really drink, but we were desperate for our tenth person.
Here's how the text conversation goes:
Me: Hey, are you available for a vice race tomorrow night?
Her: ?
Me (thinking she doesn't know what I mean) : Vice race - two teams of 5, each team has 30 beers, 1 bottle of wine, 5 shots of vodka and a large pizza.
Her: I don't drink. Who do you think I am?
Spidey-sense is tingling now. Time to give less information.
Me: Who is this?
Her: This is Lucy's mom.
Me: I don't know a Lucy. This is Hank (tried to think of a name that isn't one of Lucy's close friends)
She proceeds to lecture me on how bad it is for my body and call Lucy up and yell at her about Hank's involvement in her life.
Apparently they switched phones recently, but not numbers.
Vice race went well. My team lost, but we fought valiantly.
tl;dr - What the title says....
alittlebluedress: This sounds untrue.
oopswrongnumber: I assure you it's true. The names I used are not, for obvious reasons.
alittlebluedress: What girl switches phones with her mom? The dick pics alone...."DAD! Eww!" is more than enough.
oopswrongnumber: I think Lucy got a new phone and gave her mom her old one.
alittlebluedress: Still, dick pics.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1405580901 | 1406200702 | t3_2axord | t5_2to41 | 3 | SecretlyGimli: TIFU by not using soap to wash my hands.
So tonight my dad was a little drunk and didn't have reading glasses with him and he wanted some hot saude for his cheetos.
So I got some mild Èl Pato sauce and then I added a little bit of habenaro sauce to it.
I spilt a little on my hands and thought "whatever." I then realised that's fucking stupid. I decided washing my hands would be best, so as to not get any in my eyes.
We didn't have any soap next to the sink so I just rinsed and dried my hands.
FAST FORWARD 1 HOUR
I want fap. So I grab my phone and dong.
A little while later my penis BURNS.
I get up and get a wet rag on my penis, and that doesn't work.
So now I'm sitting with a socking wet sock wrapped round my penis cause I didn't use soap to wash my hands.
Edit: words is hard.
laineybear: I know your pain... I did that with jalapeño chip residue and my vagina two nights ago. Things are still not 100%. I've never had a worse experience. Definitely would not recommend. Ever.
dr_strangelove1234: Sweetie! You gotta be careful with that!!! ;)
| 3 | 1 | |
1405586921 | 1405753013 | t3_2axu12 | t5_2to41 | 54 | sandrahj: TIFU by letting my dad see my sex tape
Big fuckup. I recorded a sex tape of me having a threesome with two guys a while back. It was saved on my computer. I hid it among a huge bunch of other videos and pictures.
And then I let my dad have my laptop to look at some vacation pictures. Turns out he came across my sex tape. TIFU for not taking better precautions.
Throwaway897654: This is the reason I hope I never have a daughter, I could live with her having sex with 1 guy but finding out your lil girl lets dudes run trains in her has to make you feel like the worst dad in history. Nothing aginst your lifestyle op its just my greatest fear currently since im considering having kids.
HedgehogBlowjob: If you do, for the love of god do NOT allow her to work in a restaurant. Ever. Nothing turns girls into sluts like working in a fucking Applebee's.
Throwaway897654: I didnt know applebee's had this type of influence on girls, we have only 1 in my town ill be sure not to take her ever! Does applebee's turn boy gay? I hope to aboid having a gay son at all cost as well.
anothertimearound: So glad you said that. This is the same kinda sentiment you just backed up, reddit. The whole "boys can have sex but girls are sullied by it" absolute nonsense. For people who pride themselves on being rational, you sure have no problem buying into this.
Throwaway897654: I never said I wanted a son so he can bang a bunch of chicks, I said I dont want a gay son and If I have a girl I dont feel bad at all for hoping she dont let a bunch of guys run a train on her because yes she will be sullied and if word gets around not only will guys treat her like a slut so will other girls because women are juat as fucking judgemental as guys. Iv seen my fair share of chicks talking shit about each other based on looks,wealth, and amount of sex partners. So you can get off that soapbox now and fuck off.
| 6 | 9 | |
1405620169 | 1405627503 | t3_2axwtr | t5_2to41 | -7 | i_pk_pjers_i: That's retarded. I'm sorry, but it really is. If you are actually American, you need to know this Benjamin Franklin quote: "Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both."
Edit: I was referring to your statement of "Maybe I like it when the NSA watches?".
That is just idiotic. Downvote me all you want, I really don't give two shits.
TheBanger: This has nothing to do with liberty. He has the right to keep it on his hard drive if he wants to, he has just chosen not to. Just because you have a right doesn't mean that you are obligated to exercise it.
i_pk_pjers_i: I disagree. The NSA spying on Americans has EVERYTHING to do with favoring security over liberty. If you don't agree with that, then it's quite likely you have no idea what the NSA is. I guess this is why they always say ignorance is bliss.
TheBanger: The NSA has everything to do with liberty, but the NSA has nothing to do with /u/Svelte_Ninja's decision on where he stores his porn.
| 4 | -1.75 | |
1405585892 | 1405670867 | t3_2axt7g | t5_2to41 | 617 | pshjmills: TIFU by putting my school into lockdown
So this actually happened about five years ago when I was a senior in high school. We played this game senior year dubbed "Senior Assassins". Basically, a team of three was assigned another team to "kill", you had to kill them with Nerf products and it couldn't be in their house, on school campus, during work hours or at church. I always loved stealthy hunting games like this so I was all about it. Keep in mind that I live in a small town in Washington that has trees and brush everywhere. So what did I do to get the one up. Bought a ghillie suit. A full fledged ghillie suit. After school one day I saw my friends car parked on campus by some trees. I thought it would be cool to hide by the trees in my ghillie suit and scare him. So I put it on, put my ghillie shroud on the PVC pipe I used as a blow gun and lay at the base of the tree. The tree happened to be directly across from where the after school sports were held. So as I'm laying down I see a school bus driver parked down the road just watching me with this crazy look on her face. Didn't think anything of it. I lay there for about 10 minutes just watching the kids play sports through the fence. Some friends spotted me and came over to talk, at which point the bus driver starts yelling random stuff out the window, really loudly. At this point I'm thinking, this is kinda sketchy. So I stand up, walk back to my car, take off my ghillie suit and hop inside. I start it up and a cop car screeches to a halt behind me blocking me in the spot. He gets out with his hand on his gun and yells, "put your hands on the steering wheel". I explain the situation to him, and the whole time more cop cars are just rolling up. Eventually they let me go, at which point I get a call from my older brother who is a cop in the neighboring town. Apparently they put my school in lock down, alerted all neighboring police stations that there was a shooter at my high school, had blocked off the road that I was on and were in the process of mobilizing a reaction team to come kill me. We didn't even win Assassins. Wow that was long.
Edit: When the cop started talking to me I thought it was funny. Then he starts telling me about when he was growing up there was a guy that went to an elementary school in a ghillie suit and started killing children. I got apprehended by the worst possible cop.
MrTadpole: This sounds like the best game ever. I'm totally taking this idea to play with my buddies at home!
Big_Meatus_Cleatus: Holy cow dude. They mobilized a team to kill this dude, and you think this is a good idea? Do you have back problems from your massive balls?
pshjmills: As long as you avoid schools you should be pretty safe. It's actually a crazy fun game!
MyCreatedAccount: We have the same game but instead any senior or junior can play and you have teams of no more than ten. We call it nerf wars. The rules are no killing if they are in their house, work, school, or if they are completely naked ( I mean completely). Nerf guns and other nerf weapons ( ie swords/axes) and we have a whole registration process, really it is just a form with your team name , players, and signatures saying you will follow the rules.
pshjmills: Ya we each put 10 dollars in the pot and like 60 people played. 600 dollars is a lot of freaking money for seniors in high school. It got cut throat.
FurTrader58: At my high school it was every man for himself. Put money in the pot, someone gives you random photo of another participant as your target, you have to "kill" them. But not with nerf, oh no. You had to put a sharpie mark in their neck. Arm wouldn't work. You had to mark them so other players would know. If you got your mark, you'd get their target.
ScornfulCow: I like this game way better than the nerf one. So much more skill involved
Dornstar: My SO's dorm floor did this last year, they were allowed to put stickers labelled "poison" on other people's food and drink, that was actually really fun to watch.
| 9 | 68.555556 | |
1405592721 | 1405602524 | t3_2axyvs | t5_2to41 | 13 | TheForceOfKevquan: TIFU by yelling at a homeless man
My friends and I were having a good laugh and joking around when we stepped of the city bus at our stop. We stopped for a second to get our stuff together and I was suddenly hit by this horrid smell of feces, BO, and pee. So jokingly, I yelled out: "Aww! What is that?! It smells like feces and cat piss!" I must have been completely unaware of my surroundings because when I turned around, there was a shabby looking homeless man standing right behind me with the saddest look on his face. I walked quickly away, speechless, with my friends and started crying when we were out of distance of people.
American-Negro: At least you have remorse. I saw this white frat boy punch a homeless woman for no reason at all, but to impress his stupid friends.
6romperstomper9: Did you go to the homeless persons aid?
American-Negro: I bought her a slice of pizza and a can of soda.
6romperstomper9: Excellent! Very kind of you.....:)
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1405595623 | 1405634643 | t3_2ay1eq | t5_2to41 | 25 | shitdranker: TIFU by drinking fish poop. (NSFL)
For the sake of accuracy, this event happened about 8 years ago. I’m a longtime TIFU lurker but today I remembered an event worthy of a post. I’m not sure why it took me so long to realize I should post this story. Probably blocked the memory out so that I could eat lunch every day. Anyway.
So there I was 16 years old and shitfaced drunk… Inebriated in a way that only inexperienced teenage drinkers can be. Three of four of my closest friends and I were in the bathroom of our parentless binge drinking party refuge. We had turned all the lights off and were breaking glow sticks open as to spew their brightly colored rainbow splooge onto the ceilings and walls whilst ‘rave dancing’ to Pretty Rave Girl and Sandstorm. One of my friends, let’s call him Louis, suggests that we should beer bong some frosty Keystones and Natty Lights while hanging in the glowing party cave. Unfortunately, Louis didn’t own a beer bong. Being the crafty son of a bitch he is, he tells us he has an idea and he’ll be right back. We anxiously await his return because hell yeah, beer bonging $0.35 shitty beer is how the cool kids get plastered! Makeshift bong or not, we were determined to descend into adolescent alcohol poisoning one way or another. Being the bravest and most adventurous of my unseasoned group, the makeshift hose was offered to me first. After I was done guzzling down two cans of the frothy goodness, we decided we were over the glow room and it was time for the next drunken activity. My friends shuffled out of the room and as I was walking out, I flipped on the light switch to assess our drunken damages. To my dismay, I saw what appeared to be a dirty fish tank vacuum with frothy beer in the hose in the sink… Surely Louis hadn’t- I called him back into the room and his face lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. He proceeded to tell me that since he didn’t have a beer bong, and the fish tank vacuum was of similar anatomy, he just pulled it straight from the aquarium and used it instead. I thought to myself “Surely he washed it first..” I picked up the vacuum and lo and behold, it was covered in slimy brown and green fish shit and algae. There were chunks of what I can only assume were decayed bodies of stillborn guppies or aquarium rocks melded together with fish excrement and filth. No further inspection was needed. I spent the better part of the next two hours violently expelling every trace of Nemo and his family from my stomach and then the next thirty minutes gargling mouthwash and vigorously brushing any real or imagined shit strings from my teeth. The moral of this story is to not drink shitty beer mixed with shitty shit.
TL;DR - Got shithouse drunk and vomited all night for unexpected reasons.
Lockjaw7130: I don't think anyone would have held you back if you did horrible things to him for that.
shitdranker: He was so drunk he didn't even realize the err of his ways but a beating might have made me feel better. In a different situation, I almost would have applauded his ingenuity.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1405597362 | 1405613225 | t3_2ay30o | t5_2to41 | 41 | LuckyCharmmms: TIFU by turning my back into bubble wrap.
So about a week ago I was out pressure washing a friends pool deck in the absolutely brutal heat. I'm a pretty pale so I thought, "hey I might as well take my shirt off and get a tan!" Well, I ended up absolutely frying my back to the point that I look like hell-boy from behind. I haven't been able to get a full night sleep in about 7 days because my back hurts so incredibly bad.
Fast forward to this morning (1 week after burn). I get up and decide to go for a run. While I'm running it feels like a swarm of wasps are mercilessly raping my back. After about 20 mins the pain goes away and I decide to finish my 4 mile run. I just got home, took my shirt off, and my back actually looks like bubble wrap. Except the bubbles are filled with fluid. I would assume sweat. I don't know. I'm going to go put a towel down on the floor and press my back up against it. Wish me luck.
southafricant: "Oh hai, skin cancer!"
No, seriously, don't do that shit again. The chances of developing skin cancer are heightened dramatically after only a few serious sunburns. What you've described is a sunburn bad enough to cause blisters. That fluid is not sweat from running, it's simple blister fluid - basically your body pushing out water to protect the raw lower skin from constant rubbing and damage from the upper skin, or other external pressures.
DO NOT POP THEM. If you do, you will remove that fluid, and it will hurt like hell whenever the raw skin below is touched. Also, you could get it infected, in which case you'll have pus fucking everywhere.
Sunburns are dangerous, and blisters all over your back require a little sense in dealing with them. You've done enough damage. Let your body heal itself, now.
broken_thought: Speaking as a skin cancer patient for the last 12 year, this person is correct and popping the blisters will ultimately cause you more harm than good.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1405597565 | 1405696458 | t3_2ay37m | t5_2to41 | 570 | srslyfukdatguy: TIFU by reconnecting with an old "friend" from college
Long time lurker, not today, yada yada.
Some friends of mine have a gaming group that meets every couple of weeks, and about a year ago had a spot open up so I was invited to join. One of the guys in the group was the same major as me in college, and we had taken a couple of classes together. He was in *rough* shape compared to college -- apparently, he had dropped out, become an alcoholic, gained a bunch of weight, and let his teeth get black. He was (is) currently living at home, aged 31, unemployed with his parents. He's stopped drinking, though, and is in counseling, so whatever. Why hold the guy's problems against him?
A few weeks ago we invited him over to our house to watch Game of Thrones, which my SO and I still have not seen (I know, I know). Now, I could make a whole TIFU tale out of just what happened that night, but instead let me give you the highlight reel, because the aftermath and the next few days **dwarfs** it. Essentially, the dude came over "manic" (his words) and so hopped up on xanax that later he claimed to have no memory of the entire night. Here are just _some_ of the shenanigans he pulled:
* Heard my SO say, "I'm kind of hungry," so decides without asking to "fix" this by making tempura. Proceeds to take a large-ish saucepan, fills it up with almost [half a bottle this size](http://www.onebodelive.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/1001029_051500254790_A_400.jpg) of oil, then turns it on high and promptly forgets in his drug-addled state that he is cooking. SO & I are in the back of the apartment changing the music when I say, "Do you smell smoke?" and come in the kitchen to find the black, bubbling remains of the oil happily spilling onto the range top as he is obliviously **rearranging our kitchen cabinets** because he doesn't like the way we organized it.
* At 3 AM, after I've gone to bed, decides he wants to watch a video on my TV, which is connected to the back of my desktop by an HDMI cable. Doesn't know which cable it is, so he just starts unplugging everything from the back of my computer trial-and-error style, including yanking the USB 3.0 cable connected to my external HDD right in the middle of my automated nightly backup.
* Some time after we both went to bed, ate an entire *quart jar* of homemade jam my mother had made us. Neither of us had even tried it. Didn't eat it on anything or ask for it -- just took it from our fridge, grabbed a spoon, and went to town.
The list goes on and on. This isn't even a tenth of what he did. The next morning, I woke to my SO telling me for a solid hour about all the stuff he pulled before _she_ went to bed, and found even more stuff in the aftermath. Furious, I woke him up (this is at 8:30 AM and he had gone to bed maybe an hour before) and kicked him out of my house. I proceeded to call into work for the day because the house was so disgusting, it had to be cleaned immediately. I don't mean that I'm OCD about cleaning, either -- far from it. I mean that the kitchen looked like a hurricane of oil and vegetable matter had gone through it, we had a new infestation of [seed ticks](http://www.tickencounter.org/images/larvae_nymph_ixodes_05_lg.jpg) where his cat-piss-smelling bag had been the night before, etc. It took my SO and I 6 hours to get the house back to a state I would describe as "dirty".
When we finally sit down to take a breather from cleaning, I notice I have **7 new messages** from the guy, mostly telling me what a jackass I was for kicking him out and demanding an apology for waking him up. At this point (because I still felt a bit sorry for him), I was still nice, but told him I was quite put out with him, and that if he wanted to fix this he needed some awareness of the problems he had caused, not to just be oblivious and make a bunch of demands. He said, "OK, man, I can kind of see where you are coming from," and that he's a "[dry drunk](http://www.aacanada.com/drydrunk.html)" but that he's working on it, etc. I tell him I need some time to cool down but whatever, we can discuss it later.
The next day, I find out that while he has blocked me on Facebook and started telling any of our friends who will listen what a piece of shit I am and how he's never going to talk to me again, he has sent something like 100 Facebook messages to my SO. They ramble on and on about how much of a piece of shit I am, how I'm obviously a "rage addict" since I yelled at him when I kicked him out, and that she needs help because she's obviously stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship and just has "Stockholm syndrome". She explains that he is being a dick and super-offensive, and keeps shutting him down, until finally he blurts out the truth:
> I am just tired of being tortured and living in anguish over how in love I am with you. Every. Day. All those other girls I've said I had a crush on for the past year have all been lies, because you're really the only girl in my heart.
Cut to a day later and she has found out from at least 3 girl friends that she talked to that he's also stalking/hitting on/being really creepy with them. She starts reaching out to other girl friends to warn them, just in case, and ends up accidentally sending one such message to him (his name was right next to the intended recipient in her phone). Cue another four hours of non-stop messages about how that was "intentional" and done to "manipulate" him, "just like that time" she "sent [him] a picture of [her] ass!" WHAT?! She asks what the fuck he's talking about and finds out he's referencing a picture she took of our cat with her tablet's front-facing camera that included about a third of the side of her right leg. He also started complaining about her posting pictures on Facebook that included her bare feet, which was also apparently "manipulation" because she "knew [he] has a foot fetish."
This continued right up to the threat of a restraining order. After the fact, numerous friends of mine came out of the woodwork to tell me about numerous similar incidents where this guy had tried to persuade friends' girlfriends to leave the guy they were with and come date him, and that in the last 9 years his only 3 relationships were from successful attempts at same. (Now you tell me.) Did I mention that he fancied himself a writer and his favorite hobby was writing stories about a character with the same name, hobbies, and living situation as himself, who drugged girls and kept them in his basement, raping and eventually murdering them?
**tl;dr** Got to know a guy I had some classes with in college after a few years, then he wrecked my house and tried to steal my girlfriend, whom he probably had fantasies about raping.
-----
**EDIT**: Just came back and will try to answer some FAQ's from comments.
* **Q**: You should cut all contact with this guy!
* **A**: Already done. Haven't heard from him since the end of this story. Hope never to again.
* **Q**: Seed ticks? More like bedbugs!
* **A**: The picture I used was an example (Google Image Search), but they were seed ticks. Dude lives out in the country with like 25 animals coming in and out of the house all the time. The bag was full of books, not clothes.
* **Q**: Why were you friends with him for so long?
* **A**: Like I said, we were part of a gaming group. This was about a year after getting re-acquainted with him, and he had been to our house numerous times. Just not manic, and not crazy strung out on xanax. Also, while I had been getting fed up with his shit for a while, it seemed that all of his other friends were still putting up with it. I was beginning to wonder if it was just me. After this, almost no one talks to him. He was kicked out of the gaming group.
coffeeburntmytongue1: Seed ticks, from his bag?
Unfortunately, those are much, much more likely to be bed bugs. Seriously. Sorry.
I really hope not, for your sake.
[deleted]: Dear god, I lived with those things for a year and a half because I couldn't afford to move.
It does look like the bugs in the photo are ticks, fortunately. You can tell by the long, curved front legs and the body being smooth. Bedbugs look a little more like a beetle.
[deleted]: Diatomaceous Earth (food grade) will alleviate your issues next time. As will a thorough washing and hot drying of everything you own. Moving won't help you.
[deleted]: Oh cool, I'll keep that in mind for next time, thanks.
I did discover that heat kills them, so I sterilized everything I could and disposed of the rest. Fortunately, the furniture was supplied with the room I was renting, and the infestation was only really in the wooden bed frame, so I didn't lose too much (or bring them with me to the new place).
The biggest problem I had was my landlord doing very little to get rid of them.
[deleted]: Unfortunately, in most states it's not only on the tenant to deal with the problem, *you can be sued* for having them in a rental, not only for the cost of having an exterminator come to your apartment, but for the cost of exterminating them *in the entire building*, up to and including preventative measures and *future infestations*.
All it takes is one of the two of you to bring it to court, and you'll quickly find out that the only relevant case law has it being 100% your responsibility as "destruction of property" to get it 100% taken care of *in the entire rental complex*.
Be careful before insisting your landlord do something - it's not their responsibility, as much bullshit as that is when they can (though usually don't) remain dormant in walls for up to a year and a half. What really sucks is it could have been your buddy that stopped by from out of town, or some dude on a bus whose seat you sat in shortly after... "cleanliness" has nothing to do with bed bug infestations, either. :(
[deleted]: Whoa, that's fucked up. In the future, I'm going to make sure to look things up before trying to deal with a problem when renting a place.
I guess I got lucky that they were aware of the problem when I started renting (gotta love cheap, shit apartments--a neighbor's apartment flooded from the AC unit in the apartment above it, and they didn't even change the carpet).
Man, these things are a nightmare.
[deleted]: If the bugs were there *before* you moved in, and they were aware of them, then and *only* then do you have grounds to approach the Housing Authority and claim that you were rented an "unlivable" tenement, as infestations that go untreated *can* condemn a building if it's bad enough, and they still violate multiple housing codes in most (if not all) cities in the US, by not treating a pest infestation.
| 8 | 71.25 | |
1405602221 | 1405618051 | t3_2ay88x | t5_2to41 | 36 | hibc152: TIFU by accidentally doing the cinnamon challenge
In my youth my mother always used to make me cinnamon toast for breakfast. So I was feeling nostalgic and thought to myself "Hey why don't I make myself some good ol' toast!". Little did I know that you are not supposed to dump cinnamon over the toast like you would put on ketchup.
The first bite I took made me breathe in that fine powder choking coughing and eventually throwing up my eggs I made to accompany my supposed wonderful breakfast.
Twocentsforyou: Just so you know, cinnamon can actually cause serious damage if consumed in large quantities or breathed in. There have been cases where people almost died from the cinnamon challenge, because the cinnamon actually "burned" their throat and lungs.
DietPillPyramid: Is it possible to build up a tolerance - like with chili?
Because I consume ~1/2kg of cinnamon per month...
Lockjaw7130: Not against the effects of the cinnamon challenge.
Simply consuming the cinnamon in other food is certainly not healthy in that quantity, so I would tone that down.
| 4 | 9 | |
1405602637 | 1405749010 | t3_2ay8qt | t5_2to41 | 3,759 | lizardking91: TIFU by having sex on the beach
Long one, but good I promise.
This technically happened about a year ago now.
So I'm a 21 year old male in Thailand with my girlfriend over the University break. I had been in the region for 3 weeks now (traveling over all Southeast Asia), and I was desperate to do the famed sex on the beach.
I am at Ko Samui, and its happy hour in the pool bar. I am pretty drunk at this point. Smashing cocktails for dirt cheap like only a college aged male could. Girlfriend gets to the pool to find me off my face floating about, it dawns on me as I look out at the beach in front of me.
"We will kayak to that island". Mind you, I am at this point completely blotto and this is typhoon season in Southeast Asia.
Nonetheless, Thailand is not a country known for its safety legislation. I stumble out of the pool and towards the beach, hiring a kayak despite my obviously drunken state.
My drunken strength takes over and I power us over to this island (its only like a 15 minutes kayak away. However, the waves and surf are stronger than I had anticipated.
We eventually get to the nearby deserted island, and I take my girlfriend up a bit near the top of the beach where the sand meets the trees and leaves, to try and find a soft spot. My girlfriend is hesitant at first and I don't blame her after the stuff we had seen in this part of the world over the last 3 weeks I should be too.
Finally, I can tick this off my bucket list... We are going at it in the sand for a good 2 minutes when suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my left hand. I look up. A scorpion scuttles away into the leaves where I had been bracing myself.Pain engulfs my hand and I immediately slide out and jump up off my girlfriend.
Pulling my shorts up while running to the beach I yell to my girlfriend (who is still laying confused in the sand) "IV BEEN STUNG WE NEED TO GET BACK" "SCORPIOS GOT ME"
We get in the kayak and are paddling back, however my girlfriend has little to no upper body strength. I look to the skies and in true Southeast Asian Wet season fashion, there's a massive storm incoming, and the rains are starting.
This is how I die... like most young Australians... killed by my own drunken stupidity in a lawless Asian country.
At this moment I somehow gain a second wind and use every ounce of strength to paddle us back (at this point my right hand has gone completely numb and swollen I am struggling hard against massive waves.)
We get to the beach, and the Thai guy at the resort we are staying at only asks "was it a snake?" to which I told him no, a scorpion. He seemed unconcerned and I went back to the hotel room to relax it in the bath. It came good within a week, but felt 75% better after 24 hrs. Didn't need any anti-venom
TLDR: Tried to have sex on the beach, got bitten by a scorpion and caught in a Thai tsunami
EDIT: WOOOOO Thank you for the gold and front page! Submitted this last night before bed, came to work to see this, this the greatest day of my life!
Yes I am from Sydney, Australia, we use mostly British english / sometimes American.
Scorpion bite is harmless, there are only a few potential killers and they are not in Southeast Asia, checked this back in the hotel, didn't want to see a Thai hospital tbh. Also I was only stung on my right (dominant hand) not the left, sorry for typo.
TheDemonClown: Amazing - before I even got to the point where you specifically mention it, I was thinking, "Inhumanly shitfaced on cheap booze, in Thailand, and kayaking to an offshore island in the middle of storm season? There's no way this guy is anything but Australian."
ManuFanBoy: Fucking Australians are like vermin parasites in Thailand. So sick of seeing them everywhere looking for cheap fucks.
TheDemonClown: Why? They keeping you from getting any?
ManuFanBoy: I'm not looking for paid sex like those Australian vermin scum. They can't afford paid sex back home and have to come to Thailand.
TheDemonClown: They don't have to pay back home. Hell, they probably wouldn't pay in Thailand - it just feels more illicit that way, so it's a thrill. It sounds like you're just pissed that they're hogging all the whores.
ManuFanBoy: I don't fuck cheap Thai whores like those Australian bastard vermins.
TheDemonClown: Then where's your problem? If you don't fuck Thai prostitutes & that's what Aussies are there for, according to you, then it sounds like they have no real impact on your life.
ManuFanBoy: Your priest didn't touch my cock like he did yours. That doesn't stop me from condemning his evil ways. Australians are vermin bastards who descended from criminals. Nothing good.
TheDemonClown: >Your priest didn't touch my cock like he did yours. That doesn't stop me from condemning his evil ways. Australians are vermin bastards who descended from criminals. Nothing good.
Fucking hell, you're mental, and not just for being unable to defend your position without ad hominem bullshit.
As for Aussies being criminals, grow the fuck up. Do you really think that *any* human's ancestors are clean? I don't know what your ancestry is, but I'm pretty sure I could find some shady shit in your people's past, too. That past doesn't have to define you, though, much the same way as Australians today aren't defined by theirs.
ManuFanBoy: You just confirmed the stereotype about rude and uncouth Australian vermins. Wait, it's not a stereotype now. It's the truth.
TheDemonClown: How did I confirm it?
ManuFanBoy: Quit trolling you vermin. Go back to fucking your cheap hourly whore.
TheDemonClown: I'm not. I was asking you a question - how did I confirm your stereotypes about Australians. Man, you are one bitter motherfucker, you know that?
ManuFanBoy: You're a rude bitch
TheDemonClown: Hahaha...I'm rude for making you defend your claim?
ManuFanBoy: You're a rude bitch who just spends his time trolling. Goodbye.
TheDemonClown: Later, yo.
| 18 | 208.833333 | |
1405606205 | 1405681640 | t3_2aydt1 | t5_2to41 | 108 | [deleted]: TIFU by assaulting a homeless man
This morning, on the way to dropping my 9 year old daughter off at camp, we stopped at a local gas station/convenience store because she wanted gum. I parked right up front and ran inside, leaving her in the passenger seat. On my way out, I held the door for a (I believe) homeless guy. As I approach the car, I can see my daughter looking strange. When I open the door, I ask what's up and she said that man just asked her to get out of the car.
I said 'the guy right there that just walked in?' She said yes and I told her I'd be right back. I was really heated. I went back inside and confronted him, saying 'why did you ask my daughter to get out of the car?' He said 'man why are you doing me like this?' I said 'doing you like what?' He was being kind of evasive and mumbling stuff. He tried to walk past me but I grabbed him by his shirt with both hands and pushed him up against sort of a shelf there with oil and antifreeze and stuff.
I said 'you're not going anywhere.' I told the guy at the counter what happened and told him to call the cops. When the homeless guy heard my explanation, he said 'Man I didn't tell her to get out of the car. I asked her if she was getting out of the car so I could put my bike there.'
This made perfect sense. His bike was right there next to my truck on the passenger side. The truck's windows were closed because the AC was on and also the radio was playing. She could have easily misunderstood what was said. I let go of him. I still had all this adrenaline built up and I kept saying 'alright. alright. alright.' kind of trying to calm down and think at the same time. I said 'I'm sorry, man. I think she misunderstood what you said.' He said 'It's ok' which made me feel worse if that makes any sense.
He stayed inside and I left. I feel awful.
McRoettig: Mate thats your daughter, you did the right thing.
What if he did say it and you did nothing...
[deleted]: No you're right, there's nothing in between those two scenarios that could have been more appropriate.
McRoettig: atleast the post doesnt read "TIFU by letting a paedophile get away with approaching my daughter"
[deleted]: Except the guy wasn't a paedophile...
McRoettig: still dont know that for sure, his daughter COULD have misheard or she COULD have been spot on and he talked his way out of it.
I would personally rather have someone elses blood on my hands than my daughters.
hackist8286: yea better kill anyone that even looks at your family, just in case since you know, your life and your daughters are wayyyyy more important that any one else's
McRoettig: sure are (y)
| 8 | 13.5 | |
1405607862 | 1405691456 | t3_2aygbu | t5_2to41 | 122 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing a crazy girl home drunk and using my mothers bed, to wake up to an absolute bloodbath.
TIFU,
Backstory so I have a tendency of going a little overboard when I get together with friends for drinks. I have lost things before and done stupid shit due to my drunk ness but nothing absolutely regrettable until today.
So basically I had been drinking with friends for a number of hours, we were in the double digit drink count by this time and things were getting messy so we decided we were sufficiently drunk enough to go out on the town. We left the place we were drinking and went into the district to 'club' in my city. We hadn't been out long but I was absolutely wasted and was approached by a girl who in my state seemed reasonably attractive and I thought I'd go for it. I don't remember what I said to her or how it came about but next thing I knew we were pulling up in my driveway in a taxi. I paid and we went inside,(it's important to note that I'm In between moving out and I don't have a bed at the house I brought this girl to), so for some reason I thought it would be fine to make use of my mothers bed as she wasn't home for the night. Blanked out a little bit again and I was naked with said girl riding me, I think what snapped me back into reality was the fact that I realise I had made a huge mistake... This girl was 'something else' she was tearing my back up and I mean I like it a little rough but she was ripping me to shreds, but at the time I was drunk and didn't realise to what extent she was doing this so I continued. I realised she was crazy when she told me that she wanted me to hit her in the face because she gets off on it. Still I obliged and soon after we were both finished and that's all I remember. (Skip to 10am the following morning). I woke up in a groggy state as usual after one of my nights drinking, and roll over to find the girl whom I had no name for at this point, of course she wasn't as attractive as I had remembered but I didn't mind we both got up and left the room and I walked her to the bus stop. When I arrived back home I realised I had left my phone in my mums room so I went in and glanced around the room for it. It was at this exact moment I realised the damage done, I look over to the previously pure white sheet bed to see it absolutely covered in blood scattered everywhere. At this point it didn't click and then the burning sensation I had felt on my back all morning made sence. I turned to the mirror to see dried blood dripped all over my back, she fucked me up. However I believe that some of the blood on the bed may have been contributed from the girl as there was no way I could have bled so much but nonetheless that only made the situation more fucked up. I let out a slight scream and freaked the fuck out, I ran around like a mad man, I had no fucking idea how to remove stains but I saw a spray bottle that said 'amazing stain removal' and it at the time seemed like a gift from the gods, so I went to town on the blood covered sheets with the spray bottle full auto I then threw her sheets into the washing machine as I knew I only had a couple hours to have them stain free and dry before she got home and started asking questions. So I spent the entire day trying to get the blood out of the sheets not knowing exactly when she was going to get home. When I finally got them dry and ran inside to remake the bed I heard the car pull in, I did the best I could and threw the bed together and hoped for the best. It was only on my way out of the room that I realised I had left a clue... there was a patch of blood on one of the coloured decoration pillows on the bed, I cringed and ran out of the room and acted like I had been casually watching tv. I am so fucking scared that she is going to ask why there is blood on the pillow, I will keep you updated as to weather she notices
But fuck fuck fuck I hope not....
To summarise, TIFU by bringing a crazy girl home drunk and generously dousing my mothers bed sheets in both of our blood.... I don't even know how to remove stains... Fuck
UPDATE: was asked to upload a photo of my back here it is
http://imgur.com/uMPhesk
jiggaw00t: So you punched her in the face, and she has your skin under her fingernails? Hopefully she hasn't charged you with rape...
Eat_The_Muffin: Holy shit it probably is a rape charge she is planning.
He held me down and raped me and hit me so I clawed at him and fucked up his back but he just wouldn't stop.
sniss-o-matic: Yeah, because that's totally the only area of the body that a rape victim would be scratching.
Get the fuck out of here.
HedgehogBlowjob: Don't forget about bites, as well.
sniss-o-matic: What's mostly disturbing to me is how these two users immediately jumped to the "omg false rape accusation" train--which is such an unlikely thing to happen, especially in this instance, considering the woman in question has **absolutely nothing to gain from making an allegation**--instead of assuming the *much more common* BDSM/rough sex enthusiast.
| 6 | 20.333333 | |
1405609168 | 1405665987 | t3_2ayiex | t5_2to41 | 3 | MorbidlyObeseFeline: TIFU by screenshotting a Snapchat
So I'm pretty new to Snapchat and I was conversing with this girl I've liked for some time now. She sent me an attractive pictute , so I decided to screenshot it, because why the hell not. Only thing is, I didn't know that it sends a message to the sender of the original photo if the reciever screenshots it. So anyway, she responds with a frowny face and she was like " Why'd you take a screenshot?" I was caught way off guard, so I said something like "you looked kinda funny in it." After half an hour she responded and we went back to what we were talking about before. Anyway, I don't want there to be any awkwardness cause she recently started seeing this other guy...so yeah I'm in in kind of a terrible situation once school resumes if she decides to bring it up. I also deleted the screenshot cause I felt really shitty about the whole situation.
johnnywacko: Oh damn I don't Snapchat but I always wondered why people don't just ss it.
Reenigav: The idea is so people can only see images for a set time , then they are gone
johnnywacko: I get that. But I always wondered why some dude who just got a vag shot from some girl didn't just screenshot it to keep it.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1405612190 | 1405653040 | t3_2aynrj | t5_2to41 | 93 | Huttbert: TIFU by eating a Quesarito
So this story began on Monday, when I decided eating a Chipotle Quesarito was a thing I needed to do. As always, it was a glorious cheese-lozenge but left me with sadness and regret for the rest of the day. Fast forward to this morning when my bowels finally unclenched from eating that brick of cheese, rice, and guac.
From previous experience, I had prepared myself for the equally-brick-like shit that was to come. However, by some stroke of fate, this one outshone all previous Quesashitos. It was truly massive. Like the Quesarito it came from, it had enough girth to stand on end. A feat in and of itself, and normally something I would be impressed by. Unfortunately, due to this being the first shit I'd had in 3 days, it was also of personal record-breaking length.
So I snap it off, and feel something I have never felt before. It was a firm, yet gentle slap to the back of my sack that slid downward. After a moment, I realized that due to the monstrous proportions of the Quesashito, it was long enough to fill the bowl, and rather than fall down like a normal poop, it fell forward like the worst tree ever.
I didn't move for a moment, processing the fact that I'd just been felt up my my own turd and fearing the worst in that my sack was now smeared with poo. Luckily, due to the congealing nature of cheese, there was minimal clean-up needed on my nuts.
**tl;dr:** I sorta shit on my nuts
priusowner666: I thought Quesaritos are from Taco Bell, not Chipotle.
1800hurrdurr: It's a monstrosity someone created and spread across the internet. It's either a quesadilla made around a burrito, or a quesadilla wrapped around a burrito depending on who you ask. Some Chipotle employees will make one if they're not too busy at the time.
Huttbert: The way my Chipotle makes it is to take two burrito shells, put cheese between them and then warm it up like they would a normal burrito shell. Then they treat the quesadilla like they would the normal shell and add ingredients to it and wrap it up.
fedge0411: By burrito shell do you mean tortilla?
dancingmrt: Tor-tillas? You must be some sort of Mexican to think burrito shells deserve some flowery name to call em.
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1405607917 | 1405615776 | t3_2aygey | t5_2to41 | 55 | AccidentalRebel72: TIFU by sitting next to Uncle Phil.
I really picked the wrong seat Reddit. My friend invited me to go kayaking with him and his family the other day. I said, "Yeah! Sounds awesome!"
So we get to the rental shack on the river, pay, and get on the bus to take us roughly 8 miles upstream. The bus was packed. Most of my friend's family went, along with a youth group (his grandpa's a minister). I only had one choice of where to sit, and that's next to a 40 something year old man who introduced himself as Uncle Phil (not his real name).
I sat next to him at the very end of the bus. He let me have the window seat. Normally, I don't like the window seat because I'm claustrophobic, but I didn't want to be rude. My friend had to stand, so he stood behind my seat.
Uncle Phil started talking. I don't remember the whole conversation, but the gist of it is that he gave me the sex talk. And he was GRAPHIC.
Uncle Phil: "Boy I tell you what, my penis has gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years."
Me: "Come again?"
UP: "No, problem is that I came too many times. Do yourself a favor, and keep it in your pants. Save you a whole lot of trouble. How old are you?"
Me: "Uh, I'll be a senior next year..."
UP: "Well that don't mean you can't go out and have some fun. A few blowjobs. Few handjobs. Just keep it out of that pussy. Especially before you turn 18."
Me: "Wasn't really planning on having sex till I was 18..."
UP: "Good. Cause lets say I'm your father..."
Me: *thinking* "I don't wanna..."
UP: "If you knock a girl up before you're 18, I have to pay for it. Because you're on my insurance. I have to pay for your mistake, and that means I'm cutting your dick off."
Oh, and Uncle Phil gave me tips too.
UP: "Never go in dry. Lots of lube. Lots of foreplay. Wrap that son of a bitch up. And only have sex with 24 year old girls."
Me: "Huh?"
UP: "Something about that age. They're emotionally ready for sex at that point. They could do it and not expect a relationship."
Bus stops. We're there finally. Uncle Phil tells me to think about what he said. My friend is cracking up. I tell him, "Your Uncle Phil just gave me the sex talk."
He said he didn't expect that, and when I ask what's up with him, he says, "He's my Uncle Phil."
I had fun kayaking. Stayed away from Uncle Phil after that.
TL;DR: I got a graphic sex talk from a strange man on a bus.
Colonel8604: I don't see the fuck up here. All sound advice...heed his word, son.
AccidentalRebel72: I don't deny it's good advice. The fuck up is that I started my day off EXTREMELY awkward lol
| 3 | 18.333333 | |
1405612983 | 1405614212 | t3_2aypaw | t5_2to41 | 19 | Z-dub44: TIFU by contributing to the 9 layer lasagna.
Alright guys i gotta tell you all the story of the 9 layer lasagna. It wasn't today but it's a story that needs to be told. I'll set the scene.
It was my freshmen year of high school. I moved to a new town. Classic sleepy coastal town where everyone knew each other. Me being new to the area, was completely alone. A little before school started, i decided to meet SOMEBODY so i joined the summer practices for the school's cross country club (always been a distance runner) there were some cool people, but to really join the social circle of the "cool kids" i had to join the initiation of the 9 layer lasagna (as previously stated) we started practice as normal, running random fucking trails in the forest for miles and miles. We decided to stop by and visit the park restroom, it was pretty shitty (no pun intended) only 1 small toilet that could barely hold a medium size turd let alone flush it down. This is where the 9 layer lasagna would make it's first appearance in my life, and the last ever again for the whole cross country team. The idea of the 9 layer lasagna was for 1 of the runner to do a huge dump in the toilet and not flush. Then the next runner would continue. Till all 9 of us had released the monstrosity in that small toilet bowl. I was to go last, as they didn't want a newbie to make up the inner infrastructure of the masterpiece of our large intestines sculpting hands. I could smell the stench of a thousand bowel demons even about 5 layers in. Finally, it was my turn, as the sweaty faced layer 8 runner stumbled out of the bathroom, snot running down his nose and short on breath. I opened the door and saw what would haunt me for the rest of my life. There was no toilet but rather a huge mound of shit. 9 different colored, steaming layers of half digested cheerios, protein gel, and granola bar, with a over whelming smell of piss mixed gatorade. There was no way to sit down. I tiptoed on to the temporary shit steps that had formed and half bent my knees. I pushed till my face turned redder than a republican at a gay rights march. 1 huge submarine of a turd slowly pushed out onto the top of the unholy shit mountain, then 1 or 2 cups of fart discharge splattered like a sort of frosting, coating most of layers 8 and 7. I could hear all sorts of yelling outside. Were they cheering me on. No. Something was going down. I started to pull up my pants when the park ranger bust in the door. The shit mountain was shaded from his shadow. In the distance of the doorway, you could see the other runners were already far gone. The rangers jaw dropped and his eyes watered. For fucks sake, he had thought that this satanic mountain of excrement was all my doing. He started to gag. In those precious seconds i booked it, pants still down at my shins into the forest. I ran and ran. Never went back to that park or cross country. Met some people. But stayed clear away from anyone in cross country when school came around. As for the 9 layer lasagna, i heard that the ranger told the coach and that he made sure it never happened again. I still think about it and how some poor park janitor or sanitation man most likely in a hazmat suit, had to clean up that whole steaming mess for around minimum wage. Poor guy.
TL;DR : i took part in a satanic ritual of shit, scarring a park ranger for life.
DeathHaze420: O.o at what point did this cross from fucked up idea to good idea for y'all?
Z-dub44: No idea, i was knew to the town. But this town has a fucked up sense of humor.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1405614415 | 1405616452 | t3_2ayruh | t5_2to41 | 3 | VayneCarudasSolidor: TIFU by cooking with propane
So I have to live in a RV campground for the next couple weeks.
I was given a propane powered portable camping cooker, but was warned that it may scare you when you light it.
So there I am, hungry for the fine cuisine that is ramen noodles, when I turn the propane on and light a match.
*FLOOOM*
The propane let off a mighty blast, and in shock, I feel backwards.
Out of the RV.
About a 3 foot drop.
On my back.
Ouch.
BCrane: Why do you have to live in a RV campground?
VayneCarudasSolidor: Just moved to a different state. Decided I wanted to explore the housing market and find a good house because the housing market is oversaturated.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405605195 | 1405628515 | t3_2aycal | t5_2to41 | 23 | PutinCrimeaRiver: TIFU By electrocuting myself with an insect zapper
Okay now this happened quite a few years ago but the fuck up is worth it.
Bit of a prologue, ive been really close with these four guys for most of my life and by means i still do not know we wanted to be electricians and line men. Bit off topic but anyway.. Basically every sparky has played with capacitors every now and then. So backtrack 15 years and im 22 and in training. Of course us blokes are way above our heads. We bought 15 super capacitors off ebay and installed them in a bank, allowing ridiculous amounts of energy to be available to us. We hooked it up to a mosquito zapper and hilarity ensued. We got really confident with electicity from then on in and about a week later i was cleaning the zapper and pondered wether the bank was charged. It was. My index finger pushed through the bars too far and i blacked out. Apparently i was only out for 10 seconds but i was spasaming on the ground. I woke up really quickly, there was no daze at all and i instantly was in excruciating pain from my right arm over my chest, down my waist, and around my upper back. Basically my veins on my arm and extending onto my chest from the right side, were blue and protruding from my skin. My arm was unusable for 3 days due to an 'alcoholics shake'. I recovered 1 and a half weeks later but im lucky there was no arcing across my heart.
All in all worst pain i have experienced
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Hot.
The wires, I mean.
ForTheBloodGod: Shocking, actually
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1405616354 | 1405706843 | t3_2ayv87 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in bed
No throwaway because I am too lazy. This happened about 2 years ago when I was 14 or 15. I was your average teenager who masturbates a lot. My family was pretty religous back then, but not much anymore. So lets get to the point.
It was Saturday night and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to masturbate. I don't exactly remember the details, but I was awaken by my parents so we could go to church. I woke up and my eyes opened to the sight of my horrified mother. I looked down and I was naked on the bed. No covers or anything. My hand was on my dick and my chest was covered in my own semen. My mother stormed out of my room and I heard her arguing with my father. I just sat in my room looking at my ceiling all day until my father came in to talk to me about it. It was the most awkward conversation of my fucking life.
directdread23: Lies, no one sits all day with cum on their chest, and its gross to not atleast wipe it off
xMoneyShadow: Sorry for the misunderstanding. I DID clean myself after my mother stormed out of my room.
directdread23: i've been an avid masturbator for years now, and never once have i came, on myself, then thought i should sleep and let it dry. what made that thought process seem like a good one?
xMoneyShadow: I guess I fell asleep in the middle of it
johnnywacko: I actually fell asleep jerking off a couple days ago.
sloth_jones: Can confirm, I'm his ceiling fan
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1405621134 | 1405626772 | t3_2az47a | t5_2to41 | 19 | ReferToTitle: TIFU by being gullible
I'm from North Carolina and visiting a friend in California right now. Been here for not even a day and my buddy just HAD to take me to In-n-out. I wasn't expecting that great of food and decided to have him order for me. He ordered me a Cheeseburger and fries both Animal Style. I wasn't too excited til I had my first bite. Damn was it fuckin tasty.
Anyways I'm a pretty big guy and wasn't all that full, I wanted more of what I just had because it was so good. So I get up to order more and my buddy goes, "dude ask for the Doggy-style!"
"Hahah, fuck you." Is what I should have said. But being in this temporary state of euphoria all I thought was, "holy shit that sounds good."
So I get to the counter and ask, "Do you do doggy style?" to the young semi attractive worker. I don't know why I asked it this way, it wouldn't have been as bad if I asked "Can I get" or any other variation of asking for something. I think as the words came out of my mouth I was realizing what I was saying.
Not only her, but her coworkers, and every other customer behind me in lane went silent. A male employee asked me to please leave the building. I was too shocked to explain. I couldn't speak. So I walked out.
strong9510: this any different from the last time you posted this?
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28i60b/tifu_by_being_gullible/
KelaasmGFY: I was expecting to just be redirected to the same page. I almost face palmed because of my own gullibility, but wow OP, way to ruin your own story.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1405620904 | 1405631308 | t3_2az3s4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | googie_g15: TIFU by not locking the bathroom stall door properly
So today I was taking my mid-morning shit at work. It seems that in my hurry to drop trou I only half locked the stall door. A few minutes later the next needy patron entered the bathroom and eagerly jiggled the doors to find an empty stall.
Once he got to mine he jiggled and the half-assed lock gave in and the door opened to reveal me wiping my ass. He saw *everything* in the split second before I could react and slam the door closed again.
I'm just hoping he ignores what happened and doesn't attempt to make eye contact anytime soon.
**TL;DR** Took shit, failed to lock door, everything was revealed.
elbuscador242: Well look at the up side, it was probably just ass awkward for him.
McCatson: "Ass awkward."
Clever...
| 3 | 2 | |
1405622058 | 1405630133 | t3_2az5rw | t5_2to41 | 24 | atozammae: TIFU by causing $10,000+ worth of damage
So, there's this CT machine at work that I started working with recently. And its got this little thing called a calibration phantom that you have to put in to run some tests with. Well dum ol' me decided to drop it while trying to wrench it loose from the machine after running the tests.
The phantom hit the ground, popped open and spilled the gallons of water all over the room. Now I'm in daze of how much I owe the company. TIFU. Maybe I should try to fix it back.
broken_thought: Own up, explain it seemed to be jammed and when it finally came loose you lost your grip. Offer to, if you haven't already, clean the mess and offer to help in any way you can to replace the broken part
atozammae: Thats the plan, ughh so clumsy
broken_thought: Accidents happen
| 4 | 6 | |
1405622021 | 1405624639 | t3_2az5pk | t5_2to41 | -108 | [deleted]: TIFU Drinking Too Much Wine By My Pool and Not Clearing My Tablet
This morning was super gorgeous outside so I decided to skip yoga and lie out in a bikini, work on my tan and relax a bit. I took my tablet and a chilled bottle of white wine with me.
After lying on my chaise lounge for an hour or so, browsing reddit and consuming about half the aforementioned bottle of pinot gris, I get an email. An email from a guy I flirt/chat with regularly online. He asks me what I am up to and I tell him, he demands pictures.
Well, in my buzzed state I decide to comply. First just a few duck faced selfies... but then he wants to see more. Giddy, I take some topless selfies (basically my bikini top pulled around my boobs) and try to look as sexual as I can with my face, licking my lips, sucking a finger, etc.
In the middle of my fun I hear thunder (I hate thunder) and freak, grabbing my wine and tablet and running inside. I put them on the counter and go upstairs to shower and change.
About an hour later I come back downstairs and my daughter is sitting in the living room, on facebook on the tablet chatting with someone. "Hey sweety" I say to her and she just looks over and glares at me. She gets up and heads towards her room as I am pouring a glass of wine... "I don't need to see my mom like that, ok? Jesus fucking Christ"
I always use an incognito window but in my hurry to get back inside (and with the alcohol in my system) I didn't close it, just hit power on the tablet.
I'm praying she only saw one of the pictures and closed the browser, if she went through my private email account it would be very, very bad.
Gloomy_Gus: You really love attention don't you? You're a joke.
SunnyRachel: Relevant username is relevant :D
Gloomy_Gus: You're all talk. Trying to get the neckbeards to ask for pictures "for science". Go see a therapist and get your life together
ShpongleEyes: A background rivalry :O http://imgur.com/gallery/PFR26SG
SunnyRachel: I have a throng of losers who follow my posts and attempt to be mean/downvotey to me... I feel like a celebrity lol.
ShpongleEyes: But why?
SunnyRachel: Check out my history. I am brutally honest about my sexuality and how I feel in my submissions. Lots of people have taken issue with it.
ShpongleEyes: Honestly, didn't really see much.
SunnyRachel: Congratulations, you're an adult.
ShpongleEyes: Fuck you. The nerve of some people.
| 11 | -9.818182 |
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