start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1405623696 | 1405678870 | t3_2az8uv | t5_2to41 | 66 | sexypottedplants: TIFU by sunbathing and relaxing in my backyard in the nude.
Yes, i know theres always the possibility of someone seeing me when i do this but my husband and I enjoy being nude so what the hell right? It went like this.
I, a woman, wanted to sunbathe nude by my pool in my own backyard. So i set out to do that today. I got the most comforable chair i could find to lay down on, set uup outside, got a big bowl of ice cold watermelon and started to undress outside. My fences are wooden but they are that high. Id say normal height for a regular suburban area. I start eating watermelon and it tastes so good that i forget to slow down and im getting prett full at this point. While setting my stuff up, i didnt realize my neighbor was gardening next door and today of all days, he heard me set up and i guess took it as an invitation to ask if my husband wanted his circular saw back yet. He had no idea what i was doing until he looked over the fence. I guess it didnt really matter anyway because my husband and i are usually naked anyway and our neighbors have caught us nude so many times that we just decided we were fine with it. So im laying there eating watermelon in my birthday suit with everything on display while hes looking at me having a conversation. By this time i had finished the big bowl of watermelon and i dont feel too great because it was in hindsight a ton of it... by now its been a while since i stopped eating it. He doesnt seem phased by me being nude so he keeps talking. And talking... and talking... by that time i start wondering if ill get to enjoy my naked afternoon by myself... thats when my stomach started acting up... my stomach and chest started gaining pressure and i felt something off... hes still talking and doesnt notice so i try ending the conversation but he keeps going on. A few minutes later he asks me if i feel okay and he said this because "youre butthole is puckering quite a bit..." (i like to lay on my back very spread eagle...) i realize that the enivitable is coming and it was because of the damn ton of watermelon i ate... i tell him that i think i should go inside now and he agrees. So as i say bye and as i start to get up i had no idea how much of your midsection you use by doing this so i feel something about to blow and as much i tried to hold it back, i manage to stand up and.... *splatter* ... i had just shitted liquified ish shit near my pool... none of it got on the chair and then i saw that my neighbor was still standing there with his jaw dropped and still in shock. Then i start trying to say "i dont feel too good. Im sorry im sorry. Im going to go insi-" and then the second wave of shit comes and i hear my neighbor do the puking sounds and he just ran inside his house by this point. I feel my intestines on fire and and my asshole like lava and thinking at least its all out... but holy fuck if anyone of you has done this yourself, you know it doesnt stop all day... and i felt another and im almost to the door and then another splatter... fuck... my asshole is burning like fuck and i also just shitted in front of our neighbor. After the third splatter i feel confident enough to hose off my shit on the ground and clean it up as quick as possible and i realized that the last one half got on the chair. So i just spray it down with water and ill deal with it later because i feel a fourth coming soon... so now, ive sprayed myself down as clean as i could, im sitting on the toilet anf ive called my husband to tell him what just happened. Amazingly he didnt laugh and he said he"ll try to take off early. This all happened this morning and im still sitting on the toilet. Ive a few times since then and my asshole if on FUCKING. FIRE... i want to stop wiping. I want to stop shitting. Yes my neighbor can see me naked and he has, i dont mind being naked in front of him... but i never intended to shit a liquid waterfall in front of him... and cause him to puke really hard. I havent spoken to him and i dont want to because i feel so embarrassed that i havent even gone outside to clean the chair off with bleach yet.... so thats my morning so far... moral of the story (after i googled it just now) watermelon, in excess amounts, causes indegestion. I did not know this at all and my stomach wasnt in the best condition before eating as much as i did. I wish i wouldve known this. I am seriously considering moving houses right now.
EDIT: to clear up confusion. My husband and i arent exactly swingers but are closet nudists. And yes our neighbors have seen us naked enough times to not even notice at times. Mainly when they do its because either one of us grew our pubic hair out or in my case into a shape of some sprt
Syncharmony: The fact that your neighbor was looking at your ass so intently that he was able to comment on the puckering of your anus is really damn creepy. I mean, the whole being nude in front of your neighbor and having a conversation thing is already weird, but he clearly enjoys it a LOT if he's paying that sort of pin-point attention to your orifices. Although, I think if he was nursing any sort of neighborly boner for you, then you managed to squash that pretty good with your watermelon shitstorm.
[deleted]: I disagree with you. This is something anyone would notice.
>but he clearly enjoys it a LOT if he's paying that sort of pin-point attention to your orifices.
This is utter bullshit. Way to make things up just for the purpose of stirring the pot. What is wrong with you?
Syncharmony: I see you have a lot of expertise in the area of asshole observation, probably from many hours spent wistfully gazing into a mirror. To me, I would assume it takes an eagle eye to be in your own backyard, behind a fence, looking at someone who's laying down on a deck and be able to spot the tell-tale signs of a butthole volcano that's ready to erupt. I've thankfully never been in such a situation, so I'm really speaking from a position of ignorance. Perhaps it IS something anyone would notice. I also guess that anyone would also comment on it, rather than keep those razor sharp observations to themselves. Not me though, even if I was trained in the art of glute butt spasm sign language, I would probably go "you know what, looks like they are having a tough time, I should probably just walk away and leave them be and not comment on it." However, I'm probably just an inconsiderate jerk. I guess that's what is wrong with me.
[deleted]: I disagree with you. She was lying spread eagle and shaking in the rectal area. I have no idea how it would be possible to *not* see that.
You seem to enjoy insulting people and stirring the pot, so I'll let you carry on. You're assuming *so* much in your post it is just ridiculous.
I've made it clear I disagree, go ahead and downvote, and carry on turning this into a pervert post, because apparently there aren't enough of those for you already.
Syncharmony: Well, her response to my post basically cleared it all up, errr... sort of. It at least explains his behavior in a way that makes a whole lot more sense to me. Wasn't trying to stir any sort of pot, just looking for answers. If you are going to post a story like this on the internet, then people are going to ask questions. If you don't want those questions asked "pots stirred" then you don't post it on a major website or on the internet at all.
Anyway, my assumptions apparently weren't wrong. Although I think the whole story is total bullshit (excuse the pun) and fabricated to get upvotes, like a generous amount of content is on this sub.
The honesty of the post put aside, I'm curious what you would do in the same situation. Assuming you had a neighbor you were that comfortable with that you'd chat with her while she was sunbathing nude, would you comment on her distressed situation involving her digestion and keep talking to her when she clearly wants to leave to attend to those issues? I mean, aside from 'perverted' actions by the neighbor, I also think that there is just a lack of sensitivity to OP's distress. To keep pursuing conversation and to point out something that is embarrassing, that's fucked up for a whole other reason.
[deleted]: >Wasn't trying to stir any sort of pot, just looking for answers.
Read your original comment and ask yourself if you really believe that. Normally, when people want answer, they tend to ask questions, not make statements about something they have absolutely no knowledge about.
dancingmrt: But...didnt you do that?
Dornstar: He knows his shit apparently though. ^You're goddamn right that's intentional
| 9 | 7.333333 | |
1405620333 | 1405628170 | t3_2az2qg | t5_2to41 | 6 | greatestcereal: TIFU by leaving Reddit open while on lunch at work
I had the TIFU section of Reddit open when I went on lunch break. There were a few tabs of the really awkward stuff, some of it NSFW. My boss decided to sit at my computer and update some settings while I was gone, There was clearly an internet tab saying "time i fucked up..." On the main menu bar. A few minutes after she left she came back and gave me a list of 650 calendars to print out (I am an ad designer for a church bulletin printing company). I am used to printing lists of around 30 or 40. But 650!! C'mon! I guess I was asking for it. It going to take me all day
Rebirthqt: You said "it's going to take me all day."
Does that mean when you do 30 or 40 it's like, not much work for you?
greatestcereal: Yeah 30-40 takes about a half hour. I have to locate them and open them into a program before I can print them (we have stone age software at my work). We laugh about the idea of having Illustrator and the current version of Photoshop. I am still not done, i have around 60 left.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405625715 | 1405706849 | t3_2azche | t5_2to41 | 119 | firecrotchthrowaway: TIFU by using a moist towelette to wipe my vagina.
I was on a flight on Tuesday and there just so happened to be free moist towelettes in the restroom. There was a bit of turbulence while I was going about my business and I used the moist towelettes to clean it up. Since I had been on planes all day and I was on my way to visit my boyfriend, I thought "eh, wouldn't hurt to freshen up a bit."
0/10: would not do again. The second I wiped, it hit me. I looked up and saw my own horrified expression in the mirror and did the best I could to stifle the screaming and crying that such pain would normally produce.
Stupidest. Idea. Ever! I was left with the worst burning sensation for the remainder of my flight.
TL;DR- Moist towelettes + privates = NoNo
PM_ME_DEM_BEWBS: [Quite relevant](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFDrvjJ64bw)
MostEpicRedditor: Looks like it didn't work here either.
PM_ME_DEM_BEWBS: well I tried. Oh well
| 4 | 29.75 | |
1405625748 | 1405656582 | t3_2azcjg | t5_2to41 | 2 | extremeslothgrinder: Tifu by letting her roll on down
Not today but like 5 years ago.
So my family lived in a rented house so we had lots of neighbors but the one I remember the most was adrien. Now adrien was about 3 years younger than me and I was like 9 so he was young and stupid. One day when we were bored we decided it would be a good idea to use his sisters plastic trike to ride down the big hill next to his house. It was fun but then we both wanted to go down. Eventually we rounded up all the toys he had that had wheels in one big pile. But the day was over so we I went home. The next day one of his moms friends came over and she had like 4 kids. So of course we all decided that we would have a race down the hill. It work like twice but then his sister wanted to go, but we were out of cars. We found a skate board and one of those plastic bin that are used for storage and put the bin on the skate board so you get the point. This is were I fucked up we all started to go down the hill at the same time but 1/16 the way down his sister turns around and starts yelling that she does'nt want to do it. But I was the only one to hear her because I was 2 feet behind her. So I stopped and stopped my friend to. To tell him that she does'nt want to go down. Instead of stopping her. So she continues all the way down the hill and hits a log she just goes flying in the air and im just like fuck man. So I ran home. I thought I killed her so I did'nt want to get arrested for murder. The next day his mom comes over to inform my mom that she had gone in a coma because they could'nt get to her faster. They were pissed and moved out the next week. Theres's another stories about them moving out but that's for another day.
TLDR: let my friends sister roll right into a coma.
edit:she was only in it for a month.
Foreigncarwhipper: Wait you said she was ina coma for a month and they moved out a week after the incident. Something doesnt match up. Did they move somewhere eles in the area or did they leave her?
OtanH: They obviously informed him when she got out of the coma by email or phone call or something
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405619767 | 1405640647 | t3_2az1of | t5_2to41 | 22 | Balten: TIFU by making Grilled Cheese in the Toaster
So some backstory. As per usual, the occasional "Grilled Cheese in Toaster" picture came around, and I decided to do this amazing task after doing an hour work out. Now understand, I'm not in great shape, I'm getting there, but I overworked myself 2 days prior and have been in pain since. So I threw some cheese on bread, put my old toaster sideways, popped it on, and went into the back yard for what was supposed to be only a minute to get my dog. My dog being the smallest rat-dog chihuahua in existence, I had to search endlessly until I found her behind a bush. Walking back towards my door, I saw it. The smoke coming out of the screen door, which gave me the great idea to start running towards the door through the mud in by backyard. **WHAP**. I faceplanted into the mud, scrambling in my already tired out body to rush into the house to which I found the mouth of hell itself opening inside of my toaster. Molten cheese shot out as I dashed towards the ungodly fires of my two pieces of bread with cheese on them, turning off the toaster as fast as possible, resulting in the missile-like flaming pieces of bread to fly through the air onto my hardwood floor, and only burst into larger fireballs while on my nice floor. I grabbed a wet hand towel off of the counter, and battered the flames back until they were no-more, however my hardwood floors were the real victims, after having a brush with fire. I now have to deal with my two breadshaped burn marks on my floor, a toaster covered with cheese, and a chihuahua.
bashfulcity: The real asshole here is the guy who gave everyone the idea that toasters are capable of grilling cheese.
Chaotic_Flame: Probably the same one who said that you could scoop ice cream easier with a microwaved spoon.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1405626809 | 1405629008 | t3_2azegd | t5_2to41 | 10 | therealqicksilver: TIFU by paying my credit card bill
So I'm a pretty fiscally responsible guy. I have one credit card that I use for *everything*, and I really don't like debt, so I treat it like a cash card: I don't buy anything with it unless I have the money in the bank, and I have automatic withdrawals set to pay the full balance every month. Sounds like a good system, right?
Well the problem is I hate debt so much, I get antsy when the balance starts to get a little high, even though I know I've got the money in the bank and the automatic payments will take care of it. So every now and again I'll just go ahead and pay off the balance manually and feel mildly satisfied when the balance reads "$0" again. So at the beginning of this month, the balance was a little high, so I went ahead and paid it all off. Only problem is that I didn't pay attention and there was already an automatic payment initiated, also for the full balance. My balance at the time? $1612.25. So I accidentally paid $3224.50 all at once, immediately plummeting my bank account down to around -$500. I wracked up $120 in overdraft fees before I noticed and transferred some money out of savings to cover until I get paid.
mandaxthexpanda: Call the credit card company. they may be able to reverse the payent you made manually.
therealqicksilver: I probably will, but since I use the card for just about everything, it wouldn't be too big a deal for me to leave a negative balance on the card. Plus I invoiced a client on Monday, so I should be getting paid pretty soon.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405626742 | 1405630109 | t3_2azecl | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by stealing at work.
We have a lost and found at work and no one ever claims the items that are turned in to us. One early early morning, I was bored and decided to look through it. I took a makeup bag just for shits and gigs, not really putting any thought behind it. I had never taken anything from the lost and found, but something just possessed me to do it. It's not like I wanted someone's used makeup anyway.
When I woke up from a nap yesterday, one of my coworkers had texted me "someone came to pick up the makeup bag and it wasn't there. I specifically remember a bag of stuff being turned in and now one bag is gone. Do you know anything about this?" Shit.
Now there are a lot more details that I don't want to bore you with, but I'll tell you that there is a lot of evidence pointing to me in this situation. I couldn't just lie myself out of this, not that I really wanted to do that in the first place.
My manager emailed our whole staff team, and I'm pretty sure everyone could connect the dots and would know that I took it. I emailed my confession to my manager, so now it's a waiting game to see if they give me a slap on the wrist or if I get fired. The worst part is that I have 6 more hours or work today and my job is literally sitting at a desk all day. I won't be able to get my mind off of this.
EDIT: Spelling
[deleted]: The confusing part is how you seem to think we ought to feel bad for you because you have to sit at your desk all day and can't get your mind off of it.. serves you right.
TotalBetch: Lol I guess that's not the worst part... well hopefully it is. I don't really expect you to feel bad for me, just sharing my shitty situation.
[deleted]: I mean TIFU is about stupid mistakes... this is blatant theft. And you're not even stealing form the company, you're stealing from another person. It's just awful.
TotalBetch: You're entitled to your own opinion, but this was a stupid mistake. I had no reason to do what I did and didn't put thought into what I was doing. I fucked up.
[deleted]: Except objectively is was not a stupid mistake. By definition. It's pretty much completely unarguable, but if you want to continue pretending it was just a mistake go right ahead.
You mistakenly took the makeup bag? Pretty sure you didn't. It sounds like you knew exactly what you were doing. In fact you even tried to justify it by saying "nobody ever claims this stuff".
so yeah, not a mistake, and I don't think that't just my opinion.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1405628162 | 1405733641 | t3_2azgzg | t5_2to41 | 119 | TheSecretSoul: TIFU by being a racist.
I posted this story before but i guess it got buried and since i only just found this subreddit i thought it belongs here… :)
I have low blood pressure and to warn my SO that I'll faint if I don't stop walking/sit down immediatly I always just say "black" (because mostly there's just not more time to say anything else). So we were getting out of the car going to the grocery store when this happens again and I just say "omg, black", put my hand over my eyes and hang on to my bf to walk a bit slower. He bursts out laughing and only tells me inside to turn around and look outside. There was a really angry afro american staring at me, probably cursing the germans….. oops
StarbuckPirate: Many people in the south do the same thing. Only they don't have low blood sugar.
comedygene: Oddly, I've heard a lot more racist jokes up north.
zer0t3ch: Exactly. In the north it's a joke, south, not so much.
comedygene: Not so sure on that. Most ppl down south aren't Racists and I've heard plenty of questionable comments up north. Just sayin.
zer0t3ch: Not meaning to offend, my comment was intended as a joke.
comedygene: Nah man. Were good. Fine comment. I just think that southerners have some beliefs that are rock solid and if you could mix the north and the south (in a manner I deem appropriate) both would be better off.
| 7 | 17 | |
1405618492 | 1405635758 | t3_2ayz7t | t5_2to41 | 5 | tdmoneybanks: TIFU by getting my balls twisted in a swing at a birthday party.
Ok this didnt happen today but quite a long time ago but its my biggest fuck up so I might as well share. So I was about 11 and at my friends big birthday party. There were probably about 30 kids from my school at the party and I was only friends with about 5 of them at this point. The party host had a contraption meant only to cause pain some of you may know as a tree swing. Well I got on said instrument of satan and they began to spin me. next think I know, my two young lads have been crushed by the forces of a million over bearing parents. I begin to scream and run inside where the host's mom forces me to pull my pants down so she can assess the damage to my forever scared testicles. The whole party, which involved girls, saw the whole incident. Needless to say, I didnt return to school for a few days out of pure embarrassment.
TL;DR crushed my balls in a tree swing at a party and my friends mom had to check em out.
GrizzlyTheBear13: I really don't understand how you managed to do this. Could you elaborate please?
tdmoneybanks: the swing had 2 ropes, one on each side, that were inside my legs (dont ask me why it was built that way). the rest is self explanatory I believe.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405629881 | 1405635435 | t3_2azk5w | t5_2to41 | 44 | igor_strelkov: TIFU By Mistaking A Civilian Plane For A Military Aircraft
People_Call_Me_Tbone: People are going to go ballistic over this.
ewdudesheslikea4: This joke really crashed and burned.
SherwynS: You can even say that the joked bombed.
| 4 | 11 | |
1405631054 | 1405637736 | t3_2azm9h | t5_2to41 | 11 | DontDoMusicKids: TIFU by pretending to be a rock god
Ok, this is possibly the most embarrassing thing that's happened to me, so I figured it was perfect to put on Reddit.
I play guitar. I enjoy playing guitar. And sometimes I have a little too much fun playing guitar. More often than I'd like to admit I find myself throwing on a song from Youtube, picking up an ax and pretending I'm on stage or in a music video while going wild. Unfortunately, I went a little overboard with that today.
So I was in my room, rocking out to one of my favorite songs. It was currently at a slower part in the song and I knew it was about to pick up in a few seconds. So naturally I do what many guitarists do when there's a sudden change in tempo and do a bit of a jump with my guitar neck in the air [like this guy.](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_rs9yhQatGQo/S_ayE1NhotI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/gxYG4KBIjsc/s1600/hold3.jpg) Unfortunately the ceiling in my room is a lot lower than I apparently expected, because instead of a cool stage move I wound up doing [THIS.](http://i.imgur.com/mkoNv3p.jpg)
To make it short, I am FUCKED. My parents are going to be coming home later and when they see the hole in the ceiling they're going to flip. We don't have the money or the time to fix this, and the fact that I did that with one of my guitars definitely isn't going to help. I'm just thankful I did that with my cheapest one, so that should soften the blow a bit.
Like I said, my parents will be home in a few hours and I don't know what to do. Not only is this going to be insanely embarrassing for me to explain, ("I broke the ceiling while fantasizing about being on stage. We cool?") but I don't know what to do when they get mad.
Fuck
UPDATE!
My mother saw it first. The look she gave me can only be described as a cross between "I'm going to kill you" and "I'm having a heart attack." My father doesn't know about it yet, because if he found out he'd flip. Right now my mother's trying to think of a different story to tell him so he doesn't get as mad.
We also can't tell the landlord, because he would get pissed too. Oops
[deleted]: Put a poster over the hole.
Problem solved. Temporarily.
DontDoMusicKids: I don't have one to put over it ;-;
[deleted]: Own that shit.
"Mom, I was rockin' so fuckin' hard that my shit blew the fuck up! There was a fuckin' rockgasm in here. We're lucky that's the only damage."
EnigmaticAmarok: "Be happy I had the strength to stay in my room instead of allowing the world to witness my glory!"
DontDoMusicKids: "Imagine if I went outside! The whole town would be gone! Poof! Bet that hole in my ceiling doesn't look to bad now, huh?"
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1405631479 | 1405714625 | t3_2azn1h | t5_2to41 | 10 | throwaway99667788: TIFU by lying on my resume
I just got an offer for the perfect job for me. I exaggerated the dates I worked for a previous employer and am pretty sure I'm going to get caught in the background check process because it's finance role. I hate myself, jobs like this don't come around often.
a_d_d_e_r: Why did you send an untruthful resume to a place you expect to check your resume's truthfulness?
throwaway99667788: i didn't think that far ahead. i learned a lesson.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: How much are we talking exaggeration? A month would be fine. More than 2 months, not good.
If it's not more than two months, just say you didn't remember the exact starting date and lost the contract or something.
throwaway99667788: i lied by a year
| 5 | 2 | |
1405628357 | 1405655741 | t3_2azhcg | t5_2to41 | 21 | FatUnfriend: TIFU by accidentally unmuting my phone during a work conference call
I was on a work conference call today like I am at the same time every day. The call has updates I need to know about but rarely need to contribute to. Usually these calls are done from home and I can just mute the mic and put it on speaker and take notes and listen or whatever.
My boyfriend had just arrived home, and waved to me absent-mindedly and kept walking. I said, "Give me a kiss, asshole!"
My boss stopped talking on the phone and said, "WHAT?"
That's when I realized at some point during the call my thumb must've slipped and I unmuted my phone.
I quickly muted it again, and again my boss said, "What? Does someone want to say something?" The whole call had stopped. I unmuted again and stammered, "I must've unmuted my phone by accident... sorry"
The call continued on a very tense note.
In other news, does anyone know of any job openings?
[deleted]: If I was your boss I would of laughed, then spoke to you about it after making sure your phone was mute. Honest mistake especially in phone conferences, ours automatically unmuted after 30mins, so you had to keep and eye on it.
heathenyak: Also it was hilarious
| 3 | 7 | |
1405633080 | 1405701520 | t3_2azpuy | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by being an honest motorist.
Technically it happened yesterday, but whatever. This has happened to a lot of people. You get a new car and in the first week you hit another vehicle. In this case, it was in a parking lot. Accidents happen. But we're all faced with a choice: Either you own up to you mistakes or you run like hell and hope no one sees you. I chose the former and now I'm starting to regret it.
My SO and I had just purchased our first car. It's a bit of a clunker but it runs fine. It's old but we got it for less than $3000 and it's just under 150,000km (93,000 miles). The only other vehicle I've driven was a Jeep Liberty, and I had been driving it for a few weeks prior to today. It's only when we gave it up that we realized that having a car is awesome.
Anyways, we get the car and over the day my SO's father is looking it over. (He's a mechanic, thankfully.) He gives it the green light and I drive it home. We get home and I'm pulling into the parking lot of our complex.
I don't even know what happened exactly. I was tired, I was distracted, whatever. This new car is significantly wider than a Jeep Liberty. I must have misgauged the size of the hood because when I went to go pull in I clipped our neighbors car. I guess I just wasn't used to the dimensions and the brakes and the steering wheel. I don't know. *It was fucking stupid of me*. I knew I made contact. I quickly jump out to see if there any signs of damage. There was a minor scratch (barely visible) but I also chipped the paint on the front-right wheel side.
Of course, I'm wondering if it's even visible. "*Would he noticed*?", I asked myself over and over. *I know it's there; I can't help but see it*. Maybe he wouldn't. We went inside and for a good hour I just paced back and forth in the living room. The guilt was getting at me. I knew the guy. He's a nice, older man, but we're not on a first-name-basis. He's just someone I know lives in the building. I also know he just had some work done on his car. There was a dent on the exact same side and almost the same spot. He had it fixed no more than a few month ago. So I'm feeling like total shit.
I knew that *if* he noticed, it wouldn't have been hard to figure out it was the guy parked right next to him who clipped him. There was a scuff mark on my front-right side too. You wouldn't have to be a genius to figure it out. So between the guilt and the fact that I knew it would technically be a hit-and-run if I didn't say anything, I wrote up a quick note explaining what happened.
I left him my phone and unit number and went back inside. An hour later I notice that he drove off. His car isn't in the parking lot. So I'm all, "WTF!?"
*Did he not notice the note*?
*Did the note fall off*?
*Did he not notice the damage*?
I start having thoughts like, "*If he comes back, I'll just take the note off and pretend nothing happened*. But I quickly realize that's a bad idea. The note has incriminated me. If I back out now and he *did* read the note, I'm doubly screwed. So I decide to just sweat it out.
He called me this morning and pretty much told me he didn't notice the damage and only noticed the note today. He thanked me for being honest. Most people apparently would have not said anything, and apparently the dent he just had fixed was from a hit and run. It's at this point that I think he'll just say forget it and we'll go on with our lives. But nope. He informs me he'll take it back to mechanic that fixed his dent and get a quote on the damage.
Well, I just got a call from him. Apparently the news it not good. Even though the damage is minor, they apparently will have to remove the whole front end to replace the paint job. We're looking at anywhere between $600-$1000. I can't help but feel that the repair shop is ripping this old, nice man off. So now I have to decide whether or not to get the insurance companies involved. It seems like such a minor issue and for all I know my deductibles are $500. This would, however, only be my first incident. So I don't know.
Is it worth taking the hit on my insurance? Do I pay out of pocket? If I pay out of pocket, will the mechanic actually decide to up the price? I'm screwed either way, and a lot of this is out of my control.
And I could have gotten away with it. I could have parked the car somewhere else. Maybe up the street for a few days. He didn't know we had a car. He could have found the damage and then we could have started parking in our spot. It could have been the perfect crime.
But no. I just had to be an honest motorist. FML
aimstylez: dude find out the make model and age and the right paint colour and get a touch up stick and fix it yourself, or if he doesn't trust you, get a mechanic friend (being anyone you know doesn't have to be a mechanic) and get them to "inspect and fix the damage there and then with the correct touch up stick.
Problem solved my friend.
Eclipto14: Well, being human, there is definitely an embarrassment factor. Like I mentioned in the OP, my SO's dad is a mechanic, but we literally just got the car. It's an option, but I'd rather not involve more people in this. You know what I mean?
aimstylez: I can understand that, I am sure you both will laugh at this soon, But my previous reply would save you money in the long run :)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405632567 | 1405801869 | t3_2azoyb | t5_2to41 | 48 | rpfor: TIFU by drinking my own cum
In my laziness nearing the culmination of an otherwise completely routine whacking session, I decided to cum into the smoothie cup I'd just finished for lunch. Due to a combination of aforementioned laziness and in [true fashion](http://www.justmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/porn.png) of post-porn, I left the cup there temporarily and didn't take care of it immediately. ~15 minutes later, I finally went to clean everything up. Taking the cup to the trash, apparently 15 minutes was long enough to forget what was therein. So looking in and seeing what looked like more strawberry-peach (there was enough residual smoothie left on the sides of the cup to give the new concoction the right color; don't worry, I don't cum orange-colored), I decided to drink.
I immediately knew what I had done, altered my path to the sink, and spit & rinsed multiple times. So that was fun.
obamabot447: What if like... you tasted your cum mix, and it was fucking delicious. So delicious in fact that you go back to Jamba Juice and have one of the workers try it. They try a sip and love it. "Its a special recipe" you say. Eventually word gets around and franchise owners from around the country are tasting this cum mix. McDonalds makes a 13 million dollar bid on your cum mix and you accept. They tell you that they are going to sell this new fruit mix drink with kids meals. Its now that you reveal its actually partially your cum that makes up the mix. The McDonald's rep says "yeah...we know". He kicks over an empty bucket and says "now get the fuck to work". Over the next nine hours you jerk your dick sore. Exhausted you grab your jacket and start to head home, then you notice a kid with his family. He has a kids meal and is about to take a sip from the semen strawberry mix. WHAT DO YOU DO?!?
thepasswordis0123: Woah... Nine hours?? He got paid overtime, right?
obamabot447: It was all in the contract.
| 4 | 12 | |
1405634362 | 1405644860 | t3_2azrwx | t5_2to41 | 113 | Chrysanthos1: TIFU by ejaculating on a field trip
So I took a class this past semester and at the end we all took a trip to Italy to learn more about what we were studying.
We were on the bus for a couple hours driving to our next location which was an ancient temple to the god Jupiter and I fall asleep. In my dream I was getting a hand job from this girl I'm interested and I came prematurely in the dream...
Well I wake up and we get off the bus and then I realized I had ejaculated in my pants and had a huge stain all across my shorts... It was a very uncomfortable rest of the day
EnigmaticAmarok: Should have totally walked up to the girl you liked and said...
"I did this for you.." While pointing at your dick.
ayoungjusticebeaver: Yea nah that's crass and OP is a suave gentleman, what he should have done is take a pic of his soiled pants, shopped a nice flowery border on it, overlay the text "Thinking of you"
EnigmaticAmarok: You^ are now my best friend ayoungjusticebeaver
| 4 | 28.25 | |
1405628087 | 1405641096 | t3_2azguj | t5_2to41 | 19 | RedHotJuliusPeppers: TIFU by posting the navy seal copypasta on my friends facebook
So before I start I want to explain a few things, I'm Security Forces in the Air Force, I am not in anyway a Navy Seal and I most definitely do not have over 300 confirmed kills. I am also not trained in gorilla warfare.
This is exactly how it sounds. I was messing around with my friend and I posted it on her wall, I've done it a hundred times before. I woke up this morning to tons of hate messages, posts about it and how I have a "tiny weenie". One comment in particular had me laughing more than the others.
"This guy was probably a lame in hs n decided to join the air force to become a "man" and to spend that much effort and time on one person shows how pathetic of a human being he is because he let somebody get under his skin in my opinion he's a joke"
Hmm, let's check this guys facebook, oh he goes to the school of Pimping and Stripology. Sorry, you're obviously on a higher intellectual plane than I am.
Also
"if he's in the Air Force he can't be a navy seal -_-"
Great fucking deduction there Sherlock.
And my personal favorite
"rick you are fucking delusional. LMAO its hilarious how you say i will take you out with precision we have never seen before. but the problem is, is that you wont. LMAO bro leave it to the real men and women of the armed forces and take your immature self back home. all of this tarnishes the US armed forces. you are making yourself look incredibly stupid in your status and the comments on this post. instead of admitting you were stupid you continue to speak in a lie. you are so big of a bullshitter you probably convinced yourself that you are in the seals and the marines and the airforce. go get a life and let the reall military do the big boy work"
Don't even have anything to say to this one lol. Not because it was hard to read and comprehend what he was trying to say but because he kind of insulted himself by trying to write his thoughts.
All of these comments came after I and other people had said that this was a copypasta and that I was playing around with my friend. So, I think this is a good lesson for a lot of people, to think before you act. Obviously everyone who commented acted before they thought and now they're just coming off as idiots but I'm having a great time, it's hilarious to think I accidentally trolled all of these people.
lifeintechnicoulor: >rick you are fucking delusional. LMAO its hilarious how you say i will take you out with precision we have never seen before. but the problem is, is that you wont. LMAO bro leave it to the real men and women of the armed forces and take your immature self back home. all of this tarnishes the US armed forces. you are making yourself look incredibly stupid in your status and the comments on this post. instead of admitting you were stupid you continue to speak in a lie. you are so big of a bullshitter you probably convinced yourself that you are in the seals and the marines and the airforce. go get a life and let the reall military do the big boy work
OK, this needs to be a copypasta reply to the original copypasta.
Chaotic_Flame: Next time I go onto /b/ I'm soooo using that.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1405637334 | 1405715620 | t3_2azwsy | t5_2to41 | 2,806 | macus16: TIFU by making myself into a dick unicorn using my SO's sex toys.
I haven't seen my SO in a few weeks. Whilst we were apart she bought a few new sex toys.
Fast forward to today when she came to mine and decided to show me the assortment she had purchased. There were a range of toys, however the one that took my attention was the large pink suction dildo. She told me that 'this thing will literally stick to anything'. I tried it on the palm of my hand, yes it stuck. Then I thought, 'I'll make myself into a dildo unicorn'. I slammed this suction pad onto my forehead before turning to my SO for the laughs and a obligatory photograph. It then came to removing the sizeable pink sex toy from my forehead. What I hadn't thought about was the repercussions. My SO bursts out laughing, with panic starting to set in I had given myself a massive Hickey on my forehead. We have about half an hour before my Mother returns from work, we are panicky trying to look how to remove them, nothing worked. I unfortunately had to go out tonight, I have my mother's birthday party on Saturday AND I have an interview on Tuesday, with a massive dildo unicorn Hickey on my forehead. Today I fucked up.
Edit: TIFU AGAIN - by posting this to Reddit my best friend noticed my username. I receive a text saying "this is why we are friends" I knew what he had seen. So now the truth is out there. Bugger.
f_unit: I would think they'd believe any reasonable excuse at the job interview, I mean what are the odds they'll be like: "I bet he got that bruise from sticking a dildo on his forehead!"
On the other hand, if the person interviewing you Tuesday is unable to contain their laughter, they probably visit this site.
Lacerat1on: Unless the interviewer is reading this post, and when they realize whats going on will give him the job for having the balls to put himself on the internet.
austapasta: Or maybe they'd give him the job so they would have someone to talk about reddit with.
the_red_beast: There's nothing to talk about... they have already seen everything interesting.
FlyingSpaghettiMan: If I ever talk to my friends about reddit, I tend to talk about the community's reaction and whether or not people agree with the comments. Adds more to the discussion.
FUCKYOURPUSSYHOLE: My sister talks in advice animal speak to everyone.
Pseudocrat: Well you really don't /need/ a sister.
FUCKYOURPUSSYHOLE: You want her?
ploegers: Hoe many camels is it?
FUCKYOURPUSSYHOLE: So many camels,
| 11 | 255.090909 | |
1405636561 | 1405660624 | t3_2azvky | t5_2to41 | 12 | 7rieuth: TIFU by eating raisins that fell on the floor
This happened during the N64 days. I was sitting on the floor, with my back/neck leaned against the side of my bed playing N64. I was eating one of those small red boxes of raisins and I decided to dump the raisins out onto my stomach. Of course a few rolled off my stomach onto the ground.
Without looking I started to feel the ground around me for the raisins I dropped and popped them into my mouth.
And of course, one of the raisins was actually a tiny little piece of dog turd. I ate dog shit. It got all stuck in my teeth, and I ran to the bathroom gagging. Puked into the sink while brushing the dog shit out of my mouth with a soft bristle tooth brush.
I still like raisins though.
gabrieltan_: What does it taste like
Creepseverywhere: Love
| 3 | 4 | |
1405640193 | 1405644282 | t3_2b01aw | t5_2to41 | 10 | AlwaysWipes: TIFU by hitting my drunken dad
It started out as any usual morning. Wake up, morning wood, pee etc. I had gone about my Thursday activities, which was basically just leg day with the weight machine in my backyard.
As I'm Squating my dad approaches me, acting both weird and annoying. He then got annoyed that I got annoyed and began to talk to my dog (full fledged conversation) for half an hour before I finished and went inside.
Now by that I had realized what was going on, and quickly made my post workout food so I could escape to my room (its only my mom, dad and I in the house btw).
But he followed me there too.
He was blaring loud 70/80s rock while staring at me oddly. He was talking, but I couldn't here him over how fucking loud the music was. At that point I just took my meal outside (don't want ants in the room), finished and quickly got the fuck out of there.
Btw my dad is a MAJOR alcoholic, he had quit a few months back before returning to it the previous day. Not good, especially when you add in that he's s bipolar elitist control freak.
As I knew would come the yelling started at my moms door (her room is right next to mine, my dad took the master). In response I turned up the music on my computer and ignored them.
But. It. Kept. Going.
"Stupid cunt!" "Fucking whore!" were a few of the phrases I heard over and over again in between songs. Finally, I had enough.
My dad was in the kitchen on one of his argument brakes, laughing with his shirt off while telling me how my mom is a cunt and that she was emailing him about wanting to have sex again.
I flipped out.
I went to the refrigerators and grabbed the dozen beers they had left (unfortunately the hard liquor was in the garage, which he keeps locked) and went outside. I threw them all over the fence and into the vacant lot next door, most shattering upon impact.
When I walk back in he is holding food from the freezer, saying he is going to throw it over if I don't get the beers. I tell him to fuck off and my mom pulls me back to my room to avoid confrontation.
Aaaaannnndddd the asshole throws all the food at the door as it closes before retreating to his garage. I pick it up and put it back just as he comes back out. He walked right past me and headed for the sliding glass door to the backyard, saying he is going to break my weight machine before getting in my face and pushing me. Yelling for me to hit him.
Fight starts, few blows to his face before mom pulls me back again. He follows, I get a good shot at his lip before my mom pulls me into my room and locks the door.
We call the cops while he curses through the door, same insults, but calling me a "worthless piece of shit like my brother" or whatever (my older brother got out and moved 3000 miles away btw).
Anyways after he leaves we open the door, blood everywhere. He smeared it on my door and all over the tile even though it was a small cut from him biting his own lip. We clean up, cops arrive another 15 mins later.
One of the cops who arrived knew us by name, as he had been called to our house numerous times.... Nothing much comes of it, except the cops chewing my dads ass out for insulting them (like usual).
My mom left after they left, leaving my dad to prowl the house while I lock myself in my room. So far he has:
1 - Yelled through door, threatening to do something "I won't like" if I don't go pick up the beer bottles in 30 minutes, I ignored.
2 - Yelled the same thing again an hour later, only changing it to 10 minutes, I ignored again.
3 - Randomly knocked over stuff in my moms room while spending a good 20 mins in there
4 - Thrown food over the fence
5 - And according to my mom he has called the cops again. wtf
AlpacaPetes: i thought u said that u fucked up by hitting on ur drunk dad, instead i got a sobering tale of household abuse. Sorry about that shit
AlwaysWipes: Thanks...
Unfortunately this has been happening my whole life, with the only end in sight being moving out after highschool (like my brother).
He really is a piece of shit. When we were younger he would abuse us both verbally and physically when he got drunk. But as we got older and stronger it became a more "I'm going to bait you into hitting me so I can call the cops and put you in jail" kind of affair.
AlpacaPetes: My advice, not that I know anything, is that you put this on some other sub than tifu, because you didn't really Fuck up. But most importantly/tragically there are a lot of people who have been in similar situations that may be able to help with advice or support
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1405639389 | 1405646444 | t3_2b001o | t5_2to41 | 10 | DontSweatTheTech9: TIFU by going into a strip club blacked out.
Woke up 200 dollars short with blueballs.
tl;dr Woke up 200 dollars short with blueballs.
DontSweatTheTech9: I DID get a handjob, so that's pretty neat. But no, no I didn't drunkenly fingerblast one sadly.
[deleted]: A good ol' fashion is nothing to be too upset about. I'd rather feel like shit for spending $200 then wondering if I got the herps.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405640639 | 1405666311 | t3_2b01y0 | t5_2to41 | 747 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to spice up my sex life.
So, my husband and I have been married for almost three years. We recently decided that it's time to spice things up a bit so we've taken turns picking which positions, toys, fantasies, etc. to try out. Last night, I decide that I'm finally ready to act on my rape fantasy. The hubs seems a little hesitant but he goes along with it.
Things heat up pretty quickly...he's pushing me up against the wall, forcing me down on my knees to suck him off, calling me names, trying to gag me and hold me down, and finally forcing himself into me. Meanwhile, I'm "struggling" to get away from him, kicking and screaming, etc. It was really hot and tons of fun, until we heard a knock on the door about 10 seconds after he let me cum. He goes to answer the door and when he returns, he's followed by two police officers.
The hubs and I share a scared and confused glance, before they split us up to talk to us separately. Turns out, our neighbor (we live in an apartment building with lots of nosey neighbors) heard my struggle and called the cops for domestic violence. Trying to explain to the police that I WANTED my husband to rape me was more difficult than I thought it would be. They kept focusing on my visible bruises, slap marks, etc. and I learned later that they wouldn't leave my husband alone over his "defensive wounds" that I had inflicted on him. Finally, after the most mortifying hour of my life, I'm able to convince the officers that my husband doesn't normally beat me...only when I'm trying to get off.
The worst part, though, might have been the older cop who for some reason, needed every minute detail of our little escapade. I kept asking him if it was really necessary that he had all the details. He said he needed to file a report and document exactly what we said happened in case anything ever happened again.
tl;dr - Enjoyed some good old fashioned rape-play with the husband, until the cops were called and killed our boners.
turn0: "We are two married consenting adults engaging in a consensual relationship. If you have have a warrant, I would love to see it."
whatIsThisBullCrap: You don't need a warrant for domestic abuse, for obvious reasons
turn0: If she does not press charges, there is little they can do. If she explains that she is consenting and they will probably leave. If she says that she is into BDSM, they will typically just walk away...
whatIsThisBullCrap: That's not how it works. If there's any possibility someone is being abused, police have to be Damn sure nothing illegal is going on. Or else everyone would just give the ol' "she slipped in the bath" excuse and go back to it as soon as the cops left
turn0: There is a difference between you saying it and her saying it, sad as is it is...
Safe, Sane, Consensual.
AlexatRF21: In the state of Florida, even if the wife/girlfriend/fiance doesn't want to press chargers, the state automatically does. So, yeah, some states are different.
dabeeisme: Idaho is the same.
| 8 | 93.375 | |
1405641090 | 1405789908 | t3_2b02nr | t5_2to41 | 77 | airbutthead: TIFU In the shower[NSFW]
I got bored and thought I could give myself an enema with a nebulizer tube. So I did. But it didn't work. So for some stupid reason, I thought it would be a great idea to blow air into the tube instead. 20 minutes later, my lower stomach area is in the worst pain that I have ever been in anywhere on my body, ever. I fucked up. I still don't know what to do. I'm 15 and there is no way I'm telling my family, so the hospital is out of the question.
Swarlsonegger: step 1. tell parents stomach hurts really bad u want to go to hospital
step 2. when you see doctor in private, tell him about it and ask him to make something up (he is forced by law not to tell anybody if you don't wish so)
step 3. don't start shitting blood
Unshavenhelga: OP is a minor.
cupcakewin: There are still laws that protect minors of giving medical/personal information to their parents.
CochinBrahmaLover: And the doctor could just leave it as 'some air got trapped in his stomach and we need to remove it'. Weird shit happens all the time, and OP can do what any teenager would do. Deny deny deny.
OP. Go to the hospital. Your insides, besides your lungs, shouldn't have air in them.
Korean_Anon: I know this is stupid but isn't fart air?
Rebootkid: No. It is digestive gasses. Typically methane compounds.
mq999: I thought the majority of a fart is not made up of methane? I read a whole reddit post about this and a few articles.
Rebootkid: So, I looked it up... http://chemistry.about.com/od/medicalhealth/f/What-Is-The-Chemical-Composition-Of-Farts.htm
>
> Human flatus may contain hydrogen gas and/or methane, which are flammable. If sufficient amounts of these gases are present, it's possible to light the fart on fire.
gomeziscool: I farted on a gas meter once and broke it. So yeah. The company said "did someone run away from a sewer line break?" Or run away from something serious? Because the sensors were severely fouled and had to be replaced. Definitely not aor
| 10 | 7.7 | |
1405641631 | 1405658944 | t3_2b03gg | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by using the wrong sized nut on a U-bolt to hang an $8,000 chandelier
first off, if you don't know, this is a U-bolt http://i.imgur.com/SEWzIki.jpg
The chandelier was custom made and was planned to be placed in the lobby of a very nice office building that we're currently constructing.
Anyway, whoever designed this luminaire was a fucking moron and wanted it to be supported by a tiny wire (instead of a standard chain) and a U-bolt must be used to clamp it properly to the ceiling. I obtained the u-bolt through my forman, but i lost the nuts in a scurry of getting my material together. I then decided to steal some small nuts from the plumbers gangbox and it seemed to go together nicely and i felt comfortable with it. after i got it all hung up, my boss got up on the ladder to check it out and was impressed with the placement. he then tapped it and the motherfucking chandelier fell 15 feet to the ground and thousands of dollars of crystal and hand craftsmanship smashed to the ground. it was later determined that the threading on the nuts i stole didn't match the u-bolt.... and my forman noticed that the nuts were different and glared at me when everyone found this out. I hope i still have my job tomorrow. sorry for my grammar/ punctuation (i'm drinking out of fear)
TheZeven: How did you get the nuts on the thread if they were the wrong pitch? Either they would be incredibly difficult to fasten (and you would notice), or they would be incredibly easy (and you would notice). If it were so wrong that it would fall with a tap, it would have fallen from the weight of the chandelier alone.
tl;dr: Pics or it didn't happen.
6romperstomper9: It's not hard to screw an imperial nut onto a metric thread and vice versa.
TheZeven: Try it sometime. Seriously. It doesn't feel right. If you're in the business of using these materials often, you know how they should feel. It's very easy to say "That's not going on right". Unless you're completely incompetent. In which case, you probably shouldn't be in a profession where a screw up can endanger other people's lives.
6romperstomper9: Have seen it done before. But I agree with you.
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1405638804 | 1405653513 | t3_2azz5g | t5_2to41 | 67 | WickedMurderousPanda: TIFU by sending my 5 year old brother to the ER
I got picked up from gym...went to horse around the house with my little brother. For context..I'm 18 and he is 5. He was on my back and I decided I was gonna chase him around or grab him and tickle him. Instead..I didn't realize he didn't get off my back all the way and when I stoop up abruptly from the couch I sent him flying into the wall. Face first. Into the corner of the wall. I couldn't fucking believe it. I knocked his tooth waaaay back. Dad just took him to the ER....I went to shower after gym and just cried. I fucked everyone's day and especially my little brother's. Poor kid was just playing and I broke his fucking tooth. He was a crying mess bleeding all over the towels. Dad was a element of fury reincarnated. Now I can only imagine the repercussions for the little kid and hope to god my dad's military insurance (he's active duty) will cover it or I just dug our family into a hole possibly which will also fuck not only their evening but whatever future plans they had until I leave the house. I...I really fucking wish I could go back in time and not do that shit. I could've just gone upstairs to shower..instead I fucked everything.
EDIT: They got home. Kid was happy that he finally got that out at the dentist's office. Mom was a bit worried and mostly just upset that it happened. Everyone understood it was an accident. Overall my bro is happy and ate half of a ben and jerry's ice cream in about 10 minutes.
Goingdef: Glad everything's ok, just take it as a lesson to be more cautious.
WickedMurderousPanda: I definitely will.
Goingdef: If it makes you feel any better I split my sisters head open on accident when we where around 7-8, she had to get staples to close up the split in the back of her head.
WickedMurderousPanda: Jesus christ...I guess I feel better but goddamn that got dark quick. I...I don't have anything to do until they get home from the ER..so if you want to continue that story I won't stop you.
Goingdef: Ok I don't know if you remember it but back when I was a kid the was neste tea and there slogan was "neste take the plunge" well we would stand up on the edge of the head board and free fall onto the bed, well when it was her turn I thought it would be funny to snatch her ankles out from under her before she had a chance to fall.
In my defense I figured she would land on her ass unharmed but losing her turn, well she did fall to her ass but not before catching the base of her skull on the sharp edge of the hardwood headboard splitting it wide the fuck open!
WickedMurderousPanda: Holy shit! Was she alright and what happened to you after that?
Goingdef: I'm the only son out of four kids, nothing happened to me I did feel bad about it I didn't think hhhmm how can I possibly kill her at best but at least injure her if it fails before I did it, it was a laps in judgement I was young and didn't think everything all the way through before proceeding, I was big on winging it!
WickedMurderousPanda: A lot of kids wing it though....we've all hurt friends and asked them to lie to their parents and vice versa.
| 9 | 7.444444 | |
1405642900 | 1405648005 | t3_2b05ec | t5_2to41 | 12 | iamanidiot47: TIFU by giving out card details to a 'cam girl'
Ok, so its been a while, im lonely as hell and thought that 20 bucks (paid via secure paypal) to a friendly girl id been chatting too was worth it for a show.
I send her the verification code and immediately get a reply with my real name and address and this info:
IP:[REDACTED]
Reverse DNS:[REDACTED]
ISP:[REDACTED]
City:Unavailable
Region:Unavailable
Country:[REDACTED]
Timezone:+01:00 GMT
Latitude:[REDACTED]
Longitude:[REDACTED]
and a message demanding more money or else my details will be sold to a fraud company
Im pretty sure I paid via a genuine paypal donation so is it really possible for my account to be robbed this way? should I go cancel my card right now?
this was one off paypal donation payment, not with a paypal account
broken_thought: She likely didn't get that info from the card, I can search that info on google from your username or other public info. You should however make your bank aware that your account has been compromised and contact PayPal to inform them that someone (that girl) is using them to conduct cybercrimes. I would also file a police report and attempt to press charges
iamanidiot47: Thanks for the response, thats what I was hoping.
I got off lightly I guess. In future I will remember not to ever give out card details online if my dicks in one hand.
edit:out of interest how would it even be possible to go about pressing charges? ill certainly contact paypal
broken_thought: You have her PayPal and her camming site info, contact both after you've filed the police report and tell the companies A: she's black mailing people B: you've filed a report and you're going to sue the girl for fraud, black mail, damages (if she uses your info to make purchases), etc and you'd like to get any info they have so you move forward with filing the suit. Also, you may want to consider getting a lawyer for suit
[deleted]: Jesus Christ, a little much for a shitty extortion attempt. Just report her to paypal and they'll take care of the rest.
EDIT
How did you get to "the donation page"? Was it a link from her cam site? All she did was get your payment that includes your real name, then went to some shitty IP trace page and put in your IP address (however she got it). As long as the paypal site was legitimate and not a phishing site, you're fine.
Regardless, change your PW and monitor your CC... don't go flagging your account and card because if she runs up some charge, somehow, the CC company will dispute it and go after her.
iamanidiot47: Yeah she sent a link to a paypal donation page where I entered my details: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd.....
I received the paypal receipt like every other time I've used paypal and the site was verified as secure in firefox so Im pretty sure it was regular paypal
edit: I accept my idiocy and am happy just to not have been scammed for more money, but in any case why would I not want the CC company to go after her?
[deleted]: Gotcha, regardless, I'd change my PW just to be safe although you got the confirmation email and it's probably legit. She took your name from her payment receipt info and got your IP from the cam site chat or somewhere else. You're fine. If she's using a site like MFC or cam4 or something, report her to the admins, they'll take care of her.
iamanidiot47: Thanks for the advice, I was panicking a little.
You mean change my paypal password? it was a one off payment, but ill change my account one to be sure?
[deleted]: Yeah I was, you don't have to change it to be honest, but I'd definitely keep an eye on your transactions closely just to be extra safe. But, you're fine, she's preying off fear and it probably works.
One thing to be real careful of too is a common cam scam where the cam model gets you to masturbate on cam, then somehow get your information (via paypal or if you're on skype), then they upload a recording to youtube or another video site and threaten to spam it to your facebook friends or publish it using your name, etc. So, just be careful interacting with the cam models, they can be pretty scandalous.
There's a TIFU recently where the guy was on chatroullette and they took their convo to Skype, which was linked to his email, which was linked to his facebook. Then they recorded him jackin it and threatened to spam it to all his friends... he ended up shelling out like $400 to get them to remove the video.
iamanidiot47: Thanks for the help man. That was my instinct, I figured the damage was done anyway so sending more money would make no sense.
and damn, Im only out $20, that poor dude really did fuck up.
| 10 | 1.2 | |
1405642609 | 1405685577 | t3_2b04ym | t5_2to41 | 125 | ClassyMurican: TIFU by denying my friend bacon.
A little backstory: My best friend, whom I had played football with in my elementary/middle school days, recently moved away last year. His new home was about two hours away, so it was on rare occasions we got to see each other. Yesterday, he was able to convince his father to drive him all the way to my house so he could spend the night. We played Halo and Call of Duty until about four in the morning, so we were understandably "cranky" when we woke up. While I was laying out the daily dosage of bacon, he said something I didn't agree with, and so I jokingly told him he wasn't getting any bacon. Welp, he didn't like that. He flicked me in the ear and I turned towards him and pushed him away. This is one of those common fights that dudes will have with each other. While we are both 15, we're pretty big for our age, each about 5'10 and over 145 pounds. After I pushed him away, he charged at me, and I in my moment of stupidity, turned my shoulder. I heard a large snap and immediately said "Oh shit" as a wave of painful stinging spasms engulfed my collar. Long story short, he snapped my clavicle clean in half and I'm now forced to stay inside and Reddit for the rest of my summer. But, hey, I still got to have some bacon when I got home.
TL;DR: Denied a man bacon, got my shoulder snapped.
Anonthius: Reddit all summer? Sign me up!
isavamp: Reddit + Summer + BACON = WIN
[deleted]: Reddit + Summer + BACON = ~~WIN~~ Heart Attack
| 4 | 31.25 | |
1405643762 | 1405644267 | t3_2b06qd | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: Tifu by getting too horny and therefore not watch out for the lube
Im pretty turned on the whole day because of my hot coworker, who wore a top with really big cleavage today. As I finally got home, I turned myself even more on by browsing some hot subreddits I like, until my parents finally decided to go sleep. I am somehow really horny for the last week - much more than usual - so I wanted to spice things up a little and grabbed the lube I have in my wardrobe. Notice that I am at the point where you are so horny, you dont give a shit about anything. I got the lube and spilled that stuff all over my Penis to finish in a really good orgasm. After I did that, I noticed a little glance on the floor. I turned my light on, only to find out that I had used a little bit too much and was dripping some drops from the wardrobe to my bed. This wouldnt be a problem, but, as lucky as I am, a drop fell on the insurance paper my mother gave me earlier today.
She soon will talk with me about the Insurance, because she wanted to explain it clearly to me, but there is a huge dot of that oily lube in the middle.
You can clearly see that it is oily and my mom knows I have this lube and I really dont know how to explain it then.
**TL;DR Used some lube for climax and spilled it on important paper**
aaaners: Judging from the incident, you could have spilled something worse than lube on that paper.
just saying.
panameboss: Yeah, it seems like one of the better outcomes...
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405644762 | 1405712280 | t3_2b086l | t5_2to41 | 11 | BiblicalMC: TIFU by going on autopilot at work and doing my normal routine.
I have been living in Korea for a few years now. This place is really fun, but sometimes things happen around you and you just have to kind of guess what is going on. The more I learn the language the less this happens, but there is a certain part of you that has to be able to just go with the flow and be confident that sometimes you will be the only calm rock in a crazy ocean.
I work in two schools. The two schools are attached to each other on the same campus but my office is in the middle school. The high school is co-ed but the middle school is only girls, although the third floor of the middle school is used for the high school seniors. I have a daily routine that I usually run through: get to school, get coffee, teach a class or two, use the bathroom, reddit a bit, go to lunch, teach a couple more classes, reddit a bit more and go home. I like to go to the bathroom in the middle of class periods because it means there are no random students in the bathroom when I am in there. In America we used to have faculty bathrooms, but in this school that is apparently not a thing.
Like I said before, I have been at the school for three years now, and this happened about a month ago, so at the time I had been there for two years and eight months. On this day I was kind of busy and didn't have any free periods to go to the bathroom so I just went during a break in classes. I went and did my business at one of the urinals and while I was in there realized someone was in one of the stalls. The person heard me and was about to come out of the stall after finishing, but stopped. I thought "whatever" and finished up, washed my hands and walked out of the bathroom. I saw two of my favorite students with high level English abilities walking towards the womens bathroom which is just past the mens and we exchanged the usual "Hello!" that happens with my students. I walked back to my desk and continued whatever I was doing in between classes when the two students I had just seen walk in to the teachers offices after me.
Giggling to themselves and barely able to say a single word, they finally get out "Teacher... You went to the bathroom?" I thought they were just being immature so I said something like "Umm, yes, sometimes I do that." "Teacher... You went to bathroom there?" I was becoming a little annoyed as I expected more from these particular students. "Yes. That is where I usually go to the bathroom." At this they exploded into laughter. Barely able to breath they made loud wailing noises in between their giggling and were almost doubled over. Another teacher who is known for being kind of the school bad ass shouted at them the equivalent of "What are you doing here?" He is a saxophone playing PE teacher who used to be a Korean drill sergeant in the military. He sometimes smokes a cigarette while he rides a motorcycle around the school yard yelling at the kids while they run laps. Just the mention of his name makes them groan in fear. Usually when he shouts at the kids they turn and run for cover out of fear of some form of corporal punishment. Today they said something long and complicated towards him. He responded "Really?" They said "Yeah" and he said something that made him sound like he was amazed but also amused. I thought to myself "Hmm, maybe I was wrong to be annoyed by the giggling of my favorite students, maybe they have some funny joke to tell me." So I asked them to explain and they did.
"Teacher. You went to bathroom. Girls bathroom." A pause on my part where I retraced my steps. "No way. Boys bathroom." "No, teacher, girls bathroom." I reretraced my steps. I know I went to one on the second floor, and there is a girls and a boys, but the girls is at the end of the hall and the boys is closer. I definitely stood at a urinal, so it had to be a boys bathroom. "Uh Uh. Boys bathroom." "Teacher. Bathroom... level 2?" "Yeah, second floor, first bathroom." "Teacher. Girls bathroom." Now I have been going to the bathroom pretty much every day for the past two and a half years in this exact bathroom. I have seen many other guys in there and never a girl. The facilities are made for guys and not for girls in the way that they have standing urinals all along one of the walls. While thinking this I begin to realize that since the PE teacher had issued his challenge to them being here, that the entire teachers office had slowly gone quiet and started listening to what was so funny. Also I realize that my main co-teacher, kind of like a handler, someone who is supposed to help you out with your day to day things, is now standing behind the girls looking at me. I meet his eyes and he gives me a deeeeeeep bow. "Oh shit" I think, "Please don't apologize to me." "I'm very sorry" he says in the most polite of ways "I should have informed you that over break they changed the bathrooms so that the two on this floor are now female." It was then that I had gotten the great signifier. The one item that decodes everything that has not made sense up until that moment. Why had that person refused to come out of the stall when they heard me in the urinal? Why did the stalls suddenly have almost a constant supply of wet wipes when they used to not even be able to handle refilling the toilet paper? Why had there been something that looked like an unopened pad above the toilet paper dispenser a week ago?
I had no idea what to say. I sat in stunned silence for what felt like an eternity. The life sciences teacher who is known for her good nature and sense of humor let out the briefest of chortles. Then another. Then finally like a pot boiling over she just couldn't contain it. It spread among the entire staff and soon I had about twenty middle aged Korean teachers laughing uncontrollably at me. Even the nun was doing her polite little giggle with her hand over her mouth. "How many times have you gone?" the life sciences teacher asked me. I was ashamed, and with a face that was red like a strawberry and a voice as meek as kittens roar I managed to say "Every day." This only made the laughter even louder and more strong. The nun was actually beginning to shake her shoulders and I had never seen her laugh so hard. The life sciences teacher got up and pantomimed struggling to poop and then someone else smelling something awful. She said in a high pitch voice "Who would make such a bad smell?" The teacher of Korean writing responded in a deep voice "I am not..." then switched to a fake high voice "I am not that." By that point there was no fighting it. Even I was laughing. The nun was leaned back in her chair with her head to the sky openly letting out all the guffaws that had been stored up for years. Even the vice principal, a stone faced man who never shows emotion, was staring at his computer screen with a smile on his face and his shoulders bouncing up and down.
In retrospect I am quite lucky that I wasn't disciplined. This kind of thing could have gotten me fired back in America. Luckily the culture over here is different and they don't jump to the conclusion that everyone is some sort of sex offender. I now use the first floor bathroom, which is a definite downgrade as it only has one real toilet for pooping and the other is a squatter. The students told the story to every girl in the middle school and there was lots of barely controlled laughter in my direction for the next couple of days, but it seems they quickly forgot about it. That is how I fucked up by going on auto-pilot and using the same restroom I had always used.
Ugybug1900: http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/19fmjf/autopilot/
kylrm12: exactly what i thought of!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1405644861 | 1405667132 | t3_2b08c7 | t5_2to41 | 428 | [deleted]: TIFU by switching from Disney to hardcore porn
I live with my parents, I am 21(getting a degree, dont have money to move) and suffer from insomnia, thats all the context you need.
So its 3am, all my hopes of getting some sleep are gone, I decide to watch cable TV. Shifting through the channels I come across some Disney channel where a poorly dubed teenager teaches kids how to build dyi toys. I am suddenly deeply fascinated by the show. Honestly the stuff he builds is awesome, but its clearly aimed at preteens.
I am sitting about 10 inches from the TV, deeply involved in the current art project. At that moment my mother walks in, dont know why. I obviously dont want her to see me sitting there watching a kids show, so I smoothly press the next channel button on the remote without her noticing. All is fine I think to myself, Ill just tell her I cant sleep.
The universe decides it hates me and puts the hardcore porn channel right next to the Disney one. So Im sitting there, with my Thinker pose, while a prettly large gentleman pounds away on some nice french maid. She just closed the door and left.
TL;DR: Memorize your damn channel placment on the TV
RookieAR15: I've worked for a few cable companies encoding and uploading ads to each network. I've never seen a porn channel right next to Disney.
Mike_Abbages: When I was a kid, Cartoon Network was right before the late night porn channel. It made me nervous, so I would always go all the way back and loop around even if I just wanted to watch the channel after that one.
RookieAR15: you mean the movie channels that show soft core porn after 10pm?
I was saying ive never seen dedicated porn channels near kids networks. But my experience is all within the last 7 years. Could have been different before that for all I know.
Mike_Abbages: Yeah, not a dedicated porn channel. OP may have just said hardcore to spice up the story.
RookieAR15: hardcore can spice up many things.... [huehuehuehuehue](http://treasure.diylol.com/uploads/post/image/834603/resized_lizard-meme-generator-huehuehue-3492ee.jpg)
^^^Im ^^^lame
Mike_Abbages: I keep opening that link and laughing. I'm going to bed.
| 7 | 61.142857 | |
1405646664 | 1405647165 | t3_2b0b1d | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing my GF's sister into a ceiling fan
I already posted this on 4chan, hence the greentext formatting and structure, but I thought I'd share. It happened about 5 years ago.
Be me.
Be 16.
Just got licence.
fuckyeah.png.
Spending loads of time at gfs place. Like everyday.
Fast forward 3 months.
Getting in really good with the fam.
Everyone is over.
When I say everyone, I mean everyone.
Parents, brother, sister, grandparents.
Gfs 9yr old little sister comes up to me.
Hardly ever says a word to me, or anybody.
Anon, lets play airplane!
Lol wut.
ook at gf like wtf is airplane.
It's when you pick her up underneath her arms and lift her around the room.
Why the fuck not.
Few minutes go by, everyone is laughing, smiling, good time ensues.
Gf says, okay guys, time to settle down.
Little sister screams.
ONE MORE BIG ONE ANON!
Look at gf for approval.
One more anon, than that's it.
Think to myself, lets get her to touch the ceiling, yeah, everyone will love that.
Lift her up and she's about to touch the ceiling.
Out of literally fucking no where comes the ceiling fan.
Full. Fucking. Speed.
>Let me take a second to educate you about this god-damn ceiling fan.
>This is no ordinary ceiling fan, none of that pansy ass wood bullshit.
>No...This bitch was fucking steel, aluminium, or adamantium for all I know, I don't fucking know, I'm not a god-
>damn scientist.
Back to the story...
Her head slams into the ceiling fan like a fem-nazi on cake.
Stand there for a few seconds, trying to figure out wtf I just did.
Blood rushing down her face.
Starting to get covered in blood.
Freak out and forcefully hand her to her dad.
Gfs brother comes up to me.
WHAT THE FUCK ANON?!
Everyone yelling.
WE HAVE TO GET HER TO THE HOSPITAL.
Everyone rushes out the door.
Standing inside with gf.
What the fuck do I do?
10 minutes go by.
Gathering all my shit.
Brother runs back in the house.
ANON!
MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR.
Forgot I parked in the driveway BEHIND everybody else.
Run out to the car.
Speed off.
Head home and feel like shit.
Never call her again.
TLDR: I threw my gf's sister into a metal ceiling fan, I spent 10 minutes dicking around and forgot I boxed them in the driveway.
Dunnzor: You should've just left it greentext style, this is a headache to read.
rzmohno: a tldr if I ever saw one
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405646715 | 1405648522 | t3_2b0b3w | t5_2to41 | 14 | pisspantsthrowaway: TIFU by Staying Hydrated
Okay so I go to a pretty big University in the United States and have been preparing for a test most the week. However when I took it the first time I bombed it. Luckily in this one class we are able to take the test twice, quite literally the only class I have had where this was an option and even despite this option I know people who haven't passed the class. Anyways, I have been on a bit of a health kick lately so I have been carrying a 36 oz Nalgene bottle on to campus with me and drinking water out of it trying to get the recommended amount of water for my body size. So during class today, I downed the first bottle of the day and after walked over to library where after filling up the bottle with more water I sat down to study for a few hours and slowly drank the bottle. I eventually look up and realize I have been in here for a few hours and kinda had to pee. So I pause my music and take of my headphones and stand up and then HFS it all hits my bladder and I have to piss more than I have any other time in my life. Not trying to cause a scene I walk to the bathroom where as I get about 10 feet away another guy walks in. Then since I knew it was a single bathroom I waited outside...and I waited....and I waited....and I waited. I am cursing this guy under my breath as I am standing outside the bathroom holding one of the tables as tight as I can to try to avoid thinking about how bad I have to pee. Still waiting.....when all of a sudden holding the table isn't helping anymore and I start to cross my already shaky legs to hold it in which gives me temporary relief but not for long, eventually I get to the point where a tear rolls down my face from the effort it is taking to not go all over myself......and then it happens I feel myself piss and I look down to see a wet mark visibly growing on my pants, thankfully the site of ever darkening khakis gave me enough willpower to squeeze and hold it in, which any guy can tell you how bad it hurts to stop once you start. Finally after what I am thinking must have been the dump of this guys life, it had to weigh like 110 courics for it to take him that long. I notice he gives me a funny look as I start towards the door and I bow my head in shame because I am assuming he can see the piss on my pants. I walk in to the bathroom and all of a sudden it has become perfectly clear why he gave me a funny look. It was a regular multiple person bathroom with a few stalls and a few urinals..... I had stood there for probably about 10 minutes waiting on this guy to finish taking a shit, which there was also no smell in the bathroom, so I am not really sure what he was doing that took so long...if I have learned anything from reddit, I am gonna assume he was fapping to the latest (http://reddit.com/r/gonewild)[/r/gonewild] posts. Nevertheless, I finally get to the toilet and unleash what may have been the most glorious piss of my life, seriously I swear I heard a church choir belt out "ahhhhhhhhhh" as my golden firehose hit that precious porcelain urinal. I quickly turned to the mirror to assess the situation on my shorts and got them dried off as well as could be done short of taking off my boxers and shorts and holding them up to the hand air dryer.
GrandMasterTuck: After reading all of that I can definitely say that the FU occurred a significant amount of time (and a significant number of events) AFTER "staying hydrated"
Glad the pants disaster wasn't a total loss. Lucky!
pisspantsthrowaway: Well I drank the first bottle in class, studied for about 5 hours while continuing to drink and finishing the second bottle, when I realized I had to piss
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1405647263 | 1405704470 | t3_2b0byn | t5_2to41 | 0 | itsmeandthemoon: TIFU by judging a black woman
I live by a small amusement park by one of the Great Lakes, and therefore my family and I all have season passes so we go there at odd hours (sometimes we go there late or only stay for two or three hours, etc.) and today was one of those days. When we got there, I had to go to the bathroom. There was an ungodly line, but I was on the verge of my bladder exploding so I went.
In line there were like six people ahead of me and there was a black woman behind me. She was about 40ish. Cue a little caucasian girl walking to the bathroom and the lady behind me says, "Excuse me, there's a line," in a very nasty tone. The girl (probably 8) stood for a moment as if she hadn't comprehended it all the way. I do this a lot, and so do a lot of other people I know. She then grabbed this girls arm and dragged here to the back of the line.
I was watching her the whole time, and I told her, "Don't grab her like that." The little girl was holding her arm, so it had hurt her. I would have done this to anyone who grabbed a child like that, especially since this girl did nothing wrong. If the kid was misbehaving then they would have probably deserved it.
So this lady turns to me and says, "How about you mind your own business, she's with me. Just because I'm black and she's white doesn't mean she ain't belong to me." I just stood there and said, "Okay, I'm from a mixed family, too, but that doesn't make it okay-"
"Mind your own business."
So I left it alone and went pee--finally. When I came the woman had kind a clique of other African American women, (I realized that with their matching shirts and all that they were just chaperoning the group and not actual the parents of any of these kids) giving me death glares as they gossiped (about me) in hushed tones. The fact that none of them were the parents gave them even less of a right to put a forceful hand on the girl in my mind, but I dare not say anything.
All of my siblings were adopted; my sister and I are Caucasian, my brother is Iraqi, my older sister is Cuban, and my youngest sister is African American. I was not under any circumstances trying to be racist.
Luckily they left right after the incident, and I hope to never see them again. I will be forever know as she who did not mind her own business.
TL;DR: go to the bathroom before you leave home.
Edit: a word
mjnbrn: Should have punched Jemima in the face OP.
itsmeandthemoon: Probably not the best course of action.. I'm surprised I even had the courage to tell her not to grab the girl.
[deleted]: As someone *totally* not racist who *totally* has siblings of other races and like *totally* loves them I fond it odd, or just sad that you seem unfazed and rather accepting of the two clearly racially charged comments above, going as far as to even reply to one of them.
itsmeandthemoon: I replied to be polite. Sorry if that is unacceptable in the realm where you live.
And did you happen to notice I *disagreed* with the one I commented on?
It isn't my fault if other people are racist on my post; I did not want to start something over the internet. I down-voted them and went on my way.
[deleted]: The comment is more for you to recognise your audience. You could have walked in with a white robe on, carry a lynched effigy of Obama over one shoulder and a cross over the other with kerosene can in one hand and called the lady a dirty sambo, most of reddit would say you did nothing wrong and pat you on the head regardless.
itsmeandthemoon: I don't exactly understand what you're saying? Are you saying that all of reddit is racist? I'm truly not understanding what you're getting at. I'm sorry if I unintentionally offended you. I didn't mean to.
[deleted]: I'm not offended. Don't do that "you're getting emotional, therefore irrational" shit. It's not cute.
I'm saying that reddit is racist *enough* that going to any of the more populated subs looking for moral guidance is questionable at least.
itsmeandthemoon: I'm pretty sure I wasn't, I'm just confused, but okay.
| 9 | 0 | |
1405646981 | 1405721310 | t3_2b0bj8 | t5_2to41 | 250 | BikiniFacebook: TIFU by leaving Facebook open on my phone.
So I'm laying down playing video games, alternating between that and checking my news feed on Facebook. Whenever I switch back to playing my game, I place my phone face-down on my chest. After chatting with one of my good friends in the game, I pick my phone back up, only to the dismay of seeing I shared a picture. My STUPID phone thought that my chest was my finger. The bad part is, the picture was of my cousin and her friends in bikinis. Not only that, but apparently I shared it with a post, as well. My stupid phone chose the worst letter in the world for this situation. The letter M. So now on my wall I have a picture of my cousin, and her friends, in bikinis, with the word "mmm" right above it. It kept giving me an error when I tried to delete it, but finally 10 minutes later, after nonstop efforts, tears shed, and going through total shock, I was able to delete it. But I have no idea how many people saw it. I want to cry in a corner now.
the_rah_monster: Once there was this boy who
accidently shared a shady photo on facebook
and when he finally noticed
he gasped, and did his best to undo it
He couldn't quite delete it, and everybody saw it...
mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Question2morrow: Wow I forgot about that song entirely. I still don't know what it act means...
professor_dobedo: I always took it to be about kids who had been abused by their parents and covered it up with stories like 'I was in a car crash', or 'I just have these birthmarks all over my body'.
Elwood_Blues_: [Or this](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mmm_Mmm_Mmm_Mmm#Song_lyrics)
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
Section 1. [**Song lyrics**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mmm_Mmm_Mmm_Mmm#Song_lyrics) of article [**Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mmm%20Mmm%20Mmm%20Mmm): [](#sfw)
---
>Each verse describes the [isolation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solitude) and suffering of a child, two of whom have a physical abnormality; a boy whose hair has prematurely whitened from shock and a girl covered in [birthmarks](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birthmark). The third child is a boy whose parents take him with them to their church, where they 'shake and lurch' on the floor. His situation is said to be worse than the other children's. During a live performance for the Dutch radio station [Kink FM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kink_FM) singer [Brad Roberts](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brad_Roberts) whispered during the third verse "[Pentecostal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentecostalism)", apparently to mention that this third verse is based on this Christian denomination.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Crash ^Test ^Dummies](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crash_Test_Dummies) ^| [^Mmm, ^Mmm, ^Mmm,](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mmm,_Mmm,_Mmm,) ^| [^God ^Shuffled ^His ^Feet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_Shuffled_His_Feet) ^| [^Headline ^News ^\(song)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Headline_News_\(song\))
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+cj1avx3) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+cj1avx3)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 6 | 41.666667 | |
1405647445 | 1405715544 | t3_2b0c8z | t5_2to41 | 392 | Celticnation334: TIFU by going through my roommates phone NSFW
My roommate (we will call him Karl) is a normal guy but my girlfriend and I have some thoughts that he might be gay. I've lived with him for 3 years now and he has never had a girl over, said he was going out with a girl, mentioned a girl, nothing.
So he went out of town yesterday and I guess he was in a rush because he left one of his phones (he has 2 for some weird reason, something about a separate work and personal phone). His alarm was set to go off like he was waking up for work so at 5:15 am it started blaring. I got up and walked into his room to turn it off and saw that he had a message. There wasnt a contact name, just a number, and the message said "can we please meet up this weekend." I got excited for a second thinking it was a girl and opened it up, I know it was wrong and I shouldnt have.
I scrolled through the thread and there was lots of back and forth sexting and all that, the only problem was Karl was texting like he was a girl. I scrolled a little too far I guess and saw that the guy he was sexting sent him nudes and that Karl had sent some pictures of a random girl I assume he found on the internet.
I went and woke my gf up to get her to come see (another bad idea I know) and she has the great idea to look in his saved photos to see what all he has. Sure enough, its about 10 pictures of a girl and then probably 20 dick picks. My roommate has a separate phone strictly for catfishing people he meets online. You would think this is bad enough.
My girlfriend decides she wants to read all the messages to have a good laugh. An hour passes and I hear her yell "oh my god, get in here now." She is holding the phone disgusted and just looks at me with a terrible look in her eye. I ask whats going on and she just hands me the phone. Its another picture of some poor guy's junk and I was about to give the phone back until I saw the phone number. It was my little brother (He is 19). So to make matters worse he has nudes of my brother saved on his phone. I dont know how to address this, luckily our lease is up on 3 months and needless to say I am moving out.
TLDR: My roommate has a phone he uses to catfish guys and get them to sext him and send nudes...one of the victims was my brother.
JussaiLLusion: That's some fucked up shit right there
Celticnation334: Yeah. My gf wants to ask my brother if he's "talking" to any girls. I just can't believe it still.
JussaiLLusion: How'd you get into his phone btw? Does it not have a lock?
Celticnation334: Sorry should have mentioned that, he's told me before he uses his bday as his code for everything.
JussaiLLusion: Yeah, I've found using birthdays for codes is bad, are you planning on saying anything to him?
Celticnation334: Still haven't made my mind up. Partly because I shouldn't have gone through his phone in the first place.
Sufrix: 6 ideas.
A. Find a subtle way to show your roommate's number to your brother, let your brother make his decision and let your roommate continue. Nobody the wiser.
B. tell your brother everything, but he won't have an excuse as to how he knows.
C. "Dude you have a text from my brother, I opened it thinking it was my phone.. Etc"
D. Wait for the next full moon, dress as a werewolf, bite your roommate. Wait for him to become a werewolf himself, due to thinking he would. Then, he won't be able to type during the full moon, and the relationship between him and your brother will deteriorate due to the unexplained gaps in messaging.
E. Get your brother to ring his new "girl", viola.
F. Let it just happen.
Edit: I also shamefully admit that I didn't mean that the girl was named after a musical instrument, and did mean voila.
Celticnation334: D is the obvious choice here
| 9 | 43.555556 | |
1405649796 | 1405654344 | t3_2b0frb | t5_2to41 | 3 | the_winter_storm: TIFU by taking my mom to dinner.
Well....my mom's birthday was on Sunday but I had to work. I took her out to her birthday dinner earlier this evening.
Everything went smooth, she had a blast.
Driving back to my place, her tire blew. It's absolutely shredded.
We're stranded on the side of a busy highway waiting for help.
She has a spare tire but not the tools to change it.
It's not really my fault but if I had had the forethought weeks ago to request off her birthday, we wouldn't be stuck on the highway.
Sigh.
TheDemonClown: >Well....my mom's birthday was on Sunday but I had to work. I took her out to her birthday dinner earlier this evening.
>Everything went smooth, she had a blast.
>Driving back to my place, her tire blew. It's absolutely shredded.
>We're stranded on the side of a busy highway waiting for help.
>She has a spare tire but not the tools to change it.
>It's not really my fault but if I had had the forethought weeks ago to request off her birthday, we wouldn't be stuck on the highway.
>Sigh.
You wouldn't be stuck on the highway tonight. Rather, you'd have been stuck there on Sunday.
the_winter_storm: Ahh but she wouldn't have been driving on Sunday. But, I see your point.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405651951 | 1405655323 | t3_2b0izm | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my chest hair and happy trail.
genericname1231: Dare I ask what a 'happy trail' is?
ShelbySue9109: The trail of hair leading from a guy's belly button to his junk
genericname1231: Mine's not really a trail.. more like the untamed amazon
but it's a trail above my belly button o.o
Am I a mutant?
thatpatguyy: Does it start at your collar bone and go all the way down If not then get on my lvl
genericname1231: I'm scared now o.o
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1405653305 | 1405654740 | t3_2b0kye | t5_2to41 | 3 | Jsr954: TIFU by not changing a lightbulb
Jsr954: I couldn't get my phone to post pics, so here they are.
[pic 1](http://i.imgur.com/IY1qemL.jpg)
[pic 2](http://i.imgur.com/EgCW2OY.jpg)
DatWalrusDoe: How in hell did that not blow a fuse?
Jsr954: I have no damn clue
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1405650645 | 1405679802 | t3_2b0gzq | t5_2to41 | 31 | definitelyindicated: TIFU by losing the remote.
So, a couple weeks ago, my teenager went to grandmas out of state for the fourth holiday; so i rocked the single life. Moved into the living room, drank and played video games after work. I lost the remote about a week ago. But, no big deal, I have the tv remote app on my unspecified tablet device. Problem solved, drinking intensifies.
Yesterday, I met her aunt halfway and picked her up, didn't get in till late. This afternoon, she wakes up and comes downstairs, wanting to watch the shows she recorded while she was gone. I was in the kitchen, and told her I lost the remote but was using the app. She says Oh, I'll look real quick. I said okay, and came around the island as she starts pulling couch cushions. I'm standing about six feet away from her when she gets to the left one.
And it dawns on me, as he arm comes in the air.
"Umm, thats my vibrator in your hand."
Object flies into corner. "Yeah, I can see that." Starts walking away.
"Well, go wash your hands. Sorry."
"I was already going."
Well, fuck. I can't believe I forgot to put it away. She washes her hands, comes out and grabs the tablet. Puts on one of the 4 ghost shows she recorded. I have no intention of discussing it, and I doubt she does either.
TL;DR: Watched my teenager find my vibrator today. Still don't have the remote.
claymcdab: "Well, go wash your hands."
I pictured this in my head you trying to still sound like an authority figure. Then
"Sorry."
Knowing you fucked up bad.
Anyway thanks for the laugh.
definitelyindicated: Incredibly likely the reason I let her spend the night at her friends when she's been gone 3 weeks already. And after I dropped her off all I could think was, she said "I know." That means she has a)already been exposed to that material or b)seen mine before. I don't know which one makes me feel worse.
jcoopsyo: Well if she's a teenager you're already late in having "that" talk, and she probably already knows way too much about that sort of thing from all the wrong sources, specifically friends and the internet. What a mortifying experience, though, for both of you! (And I'll apologize now if I sound judgmental, I don't mean to!)
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1405653638 | 1405780204 | t3_2b0lf5 | t5_2to41 | 13 | DinosaurKevin: TIFU by making a coworker puke in the middle of a presentation
A little context for this story: I'm one of about sixty interns at a large company. As part of our time here this summer, the HR department sets up these weekly meetings during lunch where the head of an entire major division in the company comes and speaks to about all of the cool stuff their division is working on. These presentations are pretty important for us interns because you obviously want to make a good impression to these important people. In this lunch presentation today, there were all sixty of us interns, people from the HR department, and a lot of middle managers.
I was sitting at a table with a few other interns and we were just eating our lunches listening to this senior manager present. This girl at my table was about to eat a grape when she noticed it was covered in mold. She gets super grossed out and puts it down. I jokingly said "Don't puke," and then thought it would be funny to follow up my comment by making fake dry-heaving and puking sounds. In the middle of my convincing noises, she covers her mouth with her, quickly gets up, and sprints out of the room in front of everyone in the middle of the presentation. She comes back in discreetly a few minutes later, tells me I'm as ass and then didn't say another word to me for the rest of the day.
TL;DR: Made gross enough fake puke noises that made a girl need to actually puke in the middle of an important presentation.
minje: i bet you make fart jokes too?
DinosaurKevin: When the appropriate for the situation, sometimes.
XMATIC_4: Fuck yes
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1405653494 | 1405691178 | t3_2b0l80 | t5_2to41 | 13 | NoReallyImFive: TIFU by scratching my balls
So today was a normal day like any other. After an 8 hour workday I finally got to come home and relax for a bit. I'm 20 years old so I'm still living with my parents. Once I got home I quickly kicked off my shoes and stripped down to an undershirt and put on some comfortable shorts. I got on the computer and mostly browsed reddit as I usually do (I'm a huge neckbeard so I thrive on it.) After pingponging my way around reddit for a while I decided to waste some more of my time on youtube because fuck it why not? SOMEHOW (and I have no idea how but this seems to happen quite frequently and frankly I'm a bit worried) I managed to make it to a video about sebaceous cyst removals. About 2 minutes into this 5 minute video my manly regions start to get that tingle I'm sure you are all too familiar with, that sensation that they've been in the same position for too long. I reach down to mix things up a bit and without a second of delay my mother walks in with the intent to ask me if I want to go out to eat. Imagine her reaction when she sees me with my hands down the front of my pants with an exploding puss glob on the screen. I guess it didn't make matters any better that I yanked my hand out as soon as she walked in and fumbled to close the tab. She was kind of at a loss for words and forgot what she was gonna ask until she fumbled around with her words enough to remember.
**tl;dr - scratched balls while watching cyst extraction video. Mom walks in and looks like I'm wanking**
UWbadger23: Lol I do that too...well the cyst removal. It's so gross but I can't take my eyes off....botfly removal too (if you haven't, check it out thank me later)
BenchoteMankoManko: So fascinating watching foreign objects being pulled/extracted from the human body, good way to pass time on weekends
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405656107 | 1405704370 | t3_2b0otp | t5_2to41 | 33 | DidNotWantHerFired: TIFU by being the cause of a coworker getting fired....
This was not supposed to happen, but damn it did. Sorry for the wall of text
BACKSTORY
Last Wednesday, a coworker (lets call her Leggings) told me she got a raise because my boss said she had a fat ass. I didn't believe her at all, because she talks a lot of shit so I let it go through one ear and out the other.
On Friday another coworker told me Leggings said she makes way more than everyone there, because she said she had sex with my boss and it was hush money (boss is married). Shocking, but still sounds far fetched.
On Saturday right when I arrived at work, another coworker said Leggings told her she got a 20% raise because my boss likes her . I said bull shit. I've been there over 4 years and have received one 25 cent raise. No way in hell that happened.
Sunday Leggings comes to work showing everyone her pay stubs to prove her raise (before raise and after raise stubs). Bragging and just trying to show off. This chick really got the raise.
Everyone is pissed. But no one is complaining to management about anything. Just blowing their breath and huffing and puffing.
HOW I FUCKED UP
Monday morning I decide to talk "confidentially" with the promise to stay anonymous with a supervisor about everything, the pay raise, why she said she got it and everything.
Supervisor tells my boss everything. And she uses my name DAMN.
My supervisor asks me to come speak with her. I get there, my supervisor, my boss, my bosses boss and another manager are there. FUCK.
My supervisor asks me to repeat everything I said to her. 15 minutes later, everyone is getting called out one by one to speak with management. Leggings is off so she has NO idea someone told one her
She came back today and shit hit the fan. She went to clock in and my boss is there. He tells her not to clock in, and takes her out the store. Everyone is clapping and giving me high fives for telling management. In the one on one meetings, my name was said to all the other employees as the one who came forward.
Had a meeting after work with all the employees, boss says her raise was supposed to be 2% and it was a technical glitch. If she had of sat down and shut up no one would have caught it. He also said he never fucked her.
I checked Leggings Facebook when I got home and she posted she got fired and she doesn't know why. If I hadn't have spoken to the supervisor, no one else would have. I feel responsible for her getting fired.
tldr: coworker brags about her relationship with our boss got her a 20% raise. I get jealous and tell a supervisor, supervisor tells boss , boss fires coworker.
6romperstomper9: She's got a fat ass, will find another job.
DidNotWantHerFired: She actually has a normal/average sized ass. She wore leggings and yoga pants to work everyday. That's how she got the nickname Leggings.
6romperstomper9: Don't worry about her OP, she should have kept her fat mouth shut.
TheHatRemover: Ooooooooooh I see what you did there!
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1405652076 | 1405777014 | t3_2b0j69 | t5_2to41 | 13 | markymarkfro: TIFU by not closing all my browser windows
earlier today I was watching porn before work, I finish and i close everything and I went to work... or so I thought I closed everything
I got home a few hours later to find my entire family sitting at the table and as I walked in they told me to sit down and they explained that they found a page of porn I left open. after 3 hours of arguing and apologies they banned me from using the internet for a month, the only way I'm posting this is through my phone that I'm paying for
Moral of the story: Close all your browser windows!
lolmikez: Sounds like a shit family. Get a new one.
PotatoTrumpet: One family please, with a side of dog.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1405648434 | 1405708661 | t3_2b0dow | t5_2to41 | 33 | philw1134: TIFU bad, almost at the expense of my newly adopted chihuahua.
Today while I was at Walmart the 86 cent box of whoppers caught my eye. By the time I had returned home about half the box was gone, and I left the rest of the candy on my bed. I came back about three hours later to find that I had not closed my door when I left, and a seemingly empty, ripped up whopper box on my bed. I immediately started to freak out and I told my sister, who started crying because she thought the dog was going to die. After about 10 minutes of frantic crying and scouring the internet for next steps, we were about to take him to the emergency vet, when I lifted the pillow next to the box, revealing all the whoppers, untouched.
http://imgur.com/U817PDN
Who's a good boy!
[deleted]: Just fyi next time something like that happens and you are positive the dog ate chocolate you can call your vet and they will calculate if the dose was a dangerous amount. They will also tell you to give the dog peroxide to drink to make him/her vomit.
RedToby: Approximately one ounce of milk chocolate per pound of dog, can be fatal to a dog. The darker the chocolate, the more theobromine. Bakers chocolate or high % dark chocolate being more toxic. A vet should hopefully have access to a database of types of chocolate and percentages of theobromine.
Juicebox2012: Dang. TIL, that's good to know.
RedToby: Yeah, I had a mixed shih tzu / Lhasa apso (~20lbs) that ate a, unknown to us, wrapped gift hollow chocolate Santa under the Christmas tree. Probably very low quality chocolate. I don't know that he even burped. That dog also loved grapes, before we found out they were bad for dogs too. Fortunately he lived to a ripe old age.
Now I have two small poms < 10lbs together and their small body weight ratio gives me conniptions every time they try to get into something they shouldn't.
B_G_L: I have a labrador/border collie mix. He ate an entire box of chocolate buckeyes, and he was totally fine.
The little bastard was definitely ashamed of it though. I came home from work that day to find the chocolates missing, and a small scrap of the (plastic) lid in the middle of the front room, as well as his cage pulled out into the middle of the room. When I moved the cage back to the corner, there was the remainder of the box, hidden underneath.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1405657457 | 1405710389 | t3_2b0qmi | t5_2to41 | 901 | AlyssaNCruz: TIFU [NSFW] By accidentally putting menthol on my vagina.
Let me explain:
It's summer. It's been really fucking hot lately and in addition to hot, it's also been absurdly humid because we've been getting a lot of severe storms.
I work for Audio Visual at my school and my office is literally the size of a closet. It has no windows, no ventilation, nothing but a fan the size of my female hand to try and cool me.
Naturally when I come home from work (I walk home), I am sticky and dripping in sweat.
I thought, hey here's a good idea: why don't I find a body wash with mint in it so that when I shower when I get home I can feel extra cooled and refreshed? Genius right? So I go over to the nearest store and look in the woman's body wash section. I was pretty sure I had seem something like eucalyptus mint crap some time ago, but for whatever reason, I can't find it now. The women's section is all filled with strawberry mango cotton candy unicorn crap. I want some arctic chill so I then go over to the men's body wash section. To my elation it is chock full of mint, arctic, Ireland, spring water, glacier lifesaving body wash. I notice one of the Axe body washes says Glacier Mint+Menthol and I'm like, YESSSSS I CAN COOL AS I WASH. I buy it and I take it home.
Today I came home from work sticky and I was so excited to use it. I hop in the shower put the water to cool and start to lather it's cobalt blue goodness all over my body while absently wondering why it is there are so many awesome minty menthol-ly body washes for dudes and none for girls. Sexist much? While I'm having my mental femme rant, I start washing in between my legs thinking nothing of it. The cool menthol-y feeling is tingling on my shoulders already and I'm ecstatic. But then I feel it tingling somewhere else. Somewhere uncomfortable.
Suddenly, the the icy cold of what can only be described as coming from the goddamn iceberg that sunk the Titanic, is raging through my genitals: my clitoris especially and it's so icy, menthol-y cold that it is uncomfortable and it hurts. I start to yelp in the shower like a whimpering dog and try splashing hot water on my hooch to try and make it stop. This only makes it WORSE. I felt like I was being raped by a peppermint stick.
When I get out of the shower, I am waddling open legged to my room to change. My roommate comes over and says, "Are you okay? I heard you yelling in the shower." I explain to her what happened and she bursts out laughing.
That's why they only make it for men. Dudes can scrub their balls with it all goddamn day and night and it causes no discomfort. Silly me.
Tl;dr: I washed my genitals with men's body wash that had menthol in it and it burned the icy burn like hell frozen over on my clit.
catman420: That shit hurts if you get it in the dickhole though.
[deleted]: Can confirm. Hurts like hell.
neverpulloutever: Can also confirm. Feels like someone is poking the tip of my manpart with a needle repeatedly. Never again will I cleanse myself with Axe. Im a Dove man now.
genericname1231: Washing with axes and doves seems inefficient
I'll stick to using Old Spices.
joleme: First time I've almost choked on my soda while reading a comment..... are you happy now? You almost killed a man! I hope you're proud of yourself.
genericname1231: I am proud of myself :D
joleme: you're a monster :(
genericname1231: If it helps I wuv you ^_^
Also, my family literally plays this game at dinner every night. See who can choke first as we comment on the stupid shit on TV or in movies.
Almost made me dad pass a chunk of salmon out his nose two nights ago
joleme: bravo. bravo.
| 10 | 90.1 | |
1405657153 | 1405658722 | t3_2b0q8d | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by Watching people stutter in class
This happened about a year ago in my 9th grade health Class. My teacher brought in a new student who had stuttering problems. Me and two friends were quite popular around school but were weren't the shitbag jocks you see in movies or on tv. I personally am popular because i get along with all kinds of people and i have common interests with almost everybody. But back to class, I greeted the new female student as a way of just generally trying to be nice. Somehow my health teacher thought it would be a GREAT idea to have us watch a vid on people who have stuttering issues also. I'll tell you now it was the worst fucking idea possible at least when it came to me and my friends. My one friend Khalil looks like a goof whenever he laughs, so naturally if hes laughing, i'm gonna laugh regardless of whether what he is laughing at is funny. So the video was about 20 minutes of people stuttering and a pointless commentary which didn't make us feel very empathetic. The three of us were giggling as quiet as possible in the corner whenever we saw something funny. But what killed us was a part of a guy trying to order pizza. Don't get me wrong i don't judge people and i tend to feel sympathetic for others, but this clip got the best of me. The guy tries to order a medium peperoni pizza, but gets stuck on the word peperoni. So he sits there saying "PEPPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEPEP", and Khalil JUMPS out of his chair crying with laughter. He was laughing so hard he put himself on mute for a good 10 seconds. Seeing him on the floor wiggling his arms and legs around like a fish out of water, crying of laughter and hearing "PEPEPEPEPEPEP" for a minute straight made me and my other friend Jason roll on the floor laughing with tears in our eyes. What made it worse was that we were hitting each other and rolling around for no reason. My teacher tried to send us out of class but we were to busy screaming and laughing that she couldn't speak. I had a moment to glimpse at my classmates who were either giggling with us or dead silent. The new girl in class gave me a dirty look but i was too occupied to feel bad. By the time we calmed down our teacher gave us in school detention for the rest of class. Though none of us cared because it was one of the funniest moments we had ever had together. I'm not proud of laughing at people in pain but, We couldn't help ourselves, if you saw the way Khalil laughed, you wouldn't have even needed to watch the video !
thrasher_jake: > But were weren't the shitbag jocks you see in movies or on tv.
> The new girl in class gave me a dirty look but i was too occupied to feel bad.
You sound like a major cunt.
StericZz: Maybe i worded myself wrong Lol. the point was that i'm usually a nicer person than I was at that moment.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405660694 | 1405694599 | t3_2b0ujw | t5_2to41 | 25 | BubbleBoy90: TIFU by lightning my cigarette with mace
So this happened about two years ago so sorry for it not happening today lol.
Ok so this whole situation sucked so bad I had just came home from work and wanted a smoke but couldn't find my lighter and I usually leave it on our breakfast bar in our apartment. The only thing I saw was a tiny round little thing that looked just like a lighter kind of like a cigar torch. So I grab it not thinking it too odd since I smoke cigars too and thinking my girlfriend at the time bought it for me. So I walk out to my balcony leaving my screen door open and shit hits the fan as soon as I try to light up my cigarette. Immediately I get sprayed in the face with mace and start screaming tearing and coughing. As this happens my roommates poor dog starts sneezing and whimpering and my roommate starts coughing too and he has asthma. And he is laughing his ass off at me while I stumble into the screen door to run to the bathroom to wash out the fucking mace. After about an hour everything settles down my eyes are bloodshot and puffy and I'm still in pain but nowhere near as bad as before. Once my girlfriend at the time came home I asked her why she left it there and her response was oh my mom gave it to me because it doesn't look like mace and muggers or whoever wouldn't notice what it is. So I tell her what happens and se laughs her ass off saying it was partially her fault but by some way I should have known what it was even though it looked nothing like mace!
So that's my story of how I maxed myself so yay...lol
willybusmc: damn bro. mace is the fuckin worst. I once had a customers keys, (im a mechanic) and it had a strange looking cylinder on it. Thinking it was a light or possibly one of those pill holders or something, i get to fiddling with it. I maced my face
BubbleBoy90: That sucks so bad I'm very weary of lighters now lol
willybusmc: just aim away from your face and light it first. every time
BubbleBoy90: Yeah that won't work to well in Vegas because the wind was bad and that's how my roommate and the dog got effected by it haha
Korean_Anon: affected
pls dont hit me
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1405662071 | 1405673651 | t3_2b0w49 | t5_2to41 | 3 | mnork: TIFU When I did something horrible...
ieandrew91: Yo wtf did I just read.....
http://i.imgur.com/6ARLwsz.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/SlowMinorAmericancrocodile](http://gfycat.com/SlowMinorAmericancrocodile)
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^(GIF size: 7.70 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:406.86 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 3 | 1 | |
1405660004 | 1405992182 | t3_2b0tsc | t5_2to41 | 63 | qwertz101: TIFU by peeing my pants at work
i go to the mens room and go to one of the two urinals. theres someone else at the urinal right next to me. but anyways, i try to pee but nothings really coming out then finally somethings coming up but doesnt feel like much but this entire time this guy is standing at the urinal next to me so in my head im thinking 'hey this guy must think im so weird that im standing here and not peeing and i bet the little bit of piss thats going to come out is barely going to make any noise so hes going to think im some weirdo just standing at the urinal not urinating at all'. so when the pee starts coming up, i purposely aim my penis lower at the little bit of water in the urinal so it makes a splashing sound and so this guy can hear me pissing. what i didnt realize at the time was that as i was peeing while aiming my penis low, part of the stream was getting into contact with my pants. i finish up and go to wash my hands when i my pants are wet all the way from my crotch down to the bottom of my pants (i was wearing khakis so the wet part was an entirely darker shade than the rest of my pants and it was obv i had wet my pants). it was prob only like 2 inches wide but went down the entire length of my pants. all im thinking is 'oh fuck, wat the hell am i gonna do. i'll never be able to live this down'. i quickly run into one of the stalls and proceed to sit on the toilet for the next 45 mins as the urine dries off of my pants. then i go back to my cubicle with my dried urine soaked pants and finish off the work day. also, as a point of reference i work in finance at a fortune 500 company.
ErcBert: 'hey this guy must think im so weird that im standing here and not peeing and i bet the little bit of piss thats going to come out is barely going to make any noise so hes going to think im some weirdo just standing at the urinal not urinating at all'
Thank god I'm not the only one that thinks this.
PM_PICS_OF_ME_NAKED: Thank god you posted this.
ErcBert: sarcasm orr.....
PM_PICS_OF_ME_NAKED: Totally not sarcasm. I now assume that all men deal with this. Yay reddit.
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1405671827 | 1405688412 | t3_2b156x | t5_2to41 | 24 | GruTrader: TIFU: Almost lost $100k due to laziness.
This didn't happen today but several months ago.
Back in April I decided to take the plunge and get an (semi?) exotic car. Considering my budget and taste, I settled with an Audi r8 (v8). The car was covered by my insurance company and they also requested for a photo inspection to be done. Without fail, being stupid/lazy comes hand and hand at a young age. I kept putting aside the photo inspection. Simply came down to not making the trip to the station, and also because I kept bringing the car into a body shop for part replacements and modifications.
The car spent 3 out 5 weeks in the bodyshop. The week I got the car out of the shop, days later I was involved in a pretty shitty accident. I was traveling on the highway late at night with my friend driving in front of me. I had no passengers at the time. It had been raining all day, and was still raining during that time but I held full belief that such a car wouldn't be phased with some rain. As I am traveling down the middle lane I decide to move to the fast lane all while downshifting. Little did I know was that there was a huge pool of water right ahead of me in the fast lane. Just as I come fully into the lane, I feel my car hydroplane. Within moments I feel the rear swaying and bam, the back of my car makes contact with the divider.
It was at that point were all I saw was blurriness. I remember feeling the steering week pull violently to the right, ripping right through the grips of my hands. I was looking in front of me at that time and all I saw was flashing lights, and the feeling in my stomach that you would feel as if on a rollarcoaster. During this time the car actually spun 180 degrees over two lanes. Moments after, a huge impact occurs on my driver side door. Now it might have been the sound itself, or possibly the broken glass from my window hitting my face that shut my eyes closed, but from that point on my eyes were shut. I did feel my head gently bouncing off the side airbag.
As my eyes remained shut, I still felt the car traveling, traveling quickly. Well during this time my car was flying backwards away from the highway over a grassy median. It kept traveling until it landed half way up a guardrail that separated the highway from the service road. Now keep in mind that the car itself sits quite low on the ground. I need extreme angle just to pull into gas stations or my driveway. The guardrail itself was three feet high. Once everything came to a rest, I couldn't believe what just happened. I am sure that each and every single one of us have viewed the youtube videos of drivers crashing their supercars, and snickering here and there. Well here I was, in their goddamn shoes.
Fortunately my friend saw all of this his rearview mirrors and pulled off the highway and drove towards me on the grass. I couldn't open my driver side door, and he tried tugging it from the outside until it did open. From that point on we waited for the police to show up and also the tow truck.
During the wait for the cops, I realized just how badly I fucked up. It came to me that it is very likely that the insurance company will not honor their duty in covering this incident since I never had the photo inspection done.
Thankfully over the course of the following weeks I spoke with my insurance agent and provided them with enough photo proof of the car in the original condition. They were satisfied with my evidence, and have begun to issue checks to me for the repairs. Thank goodness.
Moral of the story, do not put things to the side, do not think your invincible, do not think it can never happen to you.
I am happy to say that I left the scene with no injuries. Which is quite amazing considering there were three different points of impact, and I was traveling at a reasonable speed. The car definitely did its job in protecting my ass. +1 Audi.
KeyHin: I grinned in the end, whispering to my self " Das Auto".
shadowofsunderedstar: That's Volkswagen's slogan. Audi's is "Vorsprung durch technik".
Just a heads up.
mq999: Don't they own each other?
whoami28: Volkswagen owns Audi I believe but the brands and companies are separate.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1405671019 | 1405717672 | t3_2b14lg | t5_2to41 | 6 | EmmalynRoselee: TIFU by making chips and cheese in low light
This actually happened last week but I was in my room and decided to do some midnight snacking. Me being a dumbass, I kept the light off and decided I was fine in the dark, primarily so I wouldn't wake my grandparents. I went and gathered the chips and took the cheese out of our refrigerator, which the light is broken for, and decided to zap em up on a plate. My room is across the hallway so I was walking with the chips and ate a few, thank god only a few, before I entered my room and turned the light on. Ya' know the normal color for cheese when melted? Orange? Try blue. I almost threw up in my mouth and rushed to the bathroom to wash my mouth out. Oh god I'm shivering thinking about it.
TL;DR : Accidentally tried out some Bleu cheese on chips, it's safe to say a better salad dressing.
EDIT: Mold = Blue (it was greener than most blues yes)
richpop98: Ths isnt a real fuck up
EmmalynRoselee: Eating mold?
richpop98: Yeah eating the wrong kinda cheese isnt a big deal i could see if he was in the dark chopping up cheese and cut himself.
EmmalynRoselee: Who's he? Lol me? I didn't cut myself XD and I'm not a guy
richpop98: I was referring to op. if your op im sorry im on mobile version so i cant tell unless i view the thread. I was meaning if you cut yourself it would be much more of a fuck up.
EmmalynRoselee: Oh lol yeah atleast I didn't cut myself ;p but mold is disgusting :/
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1405673119 | 1405722774 | t3_2b168z | t5_2to41 | 209 | PoseidonsDick: TIFU for thinking fat dude is fat
I have two jobs. I am a full time ASM, and a part time coffee bitch. This is about the part time job.
At my coffee location, we reheat and serve various food products like scones, sandwiches, stuffed pretzels, pizza and quiche. I'm going about my business, and some very obese man (probably 500 lbs, not exaggerating) comes up and orders two stuffed pretzels with a ranch dressing cup. I ask him if he wants two ranches and he says no, only one. So I heat them up, put them on a plate, and serve them to him. Cheerfully I say, "Those are my favorite!" Just trying to relate with the customer and all that.
He gives me a death glare and says, "Can you get me another plate? I'm not eating both of them. One of them is for someone else."
Whooooops.
Screwed_38: One of them was so not for someone else
Simmion: It was for Claire.
JustJillian: "Claire"
Simmion: That's a resounding yes on the cheesy crust. Claire says you read her mind.
ApparentlyStoned: Claire, huh? I like that name. Is she cute?
ItsOnDVR: That's a fat girl's name.
Audiosauce: ah...80s John Hughes movies
| 8 | 26.125 | |
1405673566 | 1405674574 | t3_2b16l1 | t5_2to41 | 25 | A_Vagetarian: TIFU by jizzing on my phone...
Was watching some TV when suddenly I became real hot and horny, before ending the night I decided to rub one out. I go to the bathroom (also had to take a shit) and load up a porn vid on my phone and start whacking it.
It was an anal creampie video featuring this big butted brazilian hottie, my favorite kinda vid. When the man unloads his clip into her bomb ass, I unload mine... on the floor, my foot, the wall, and my fucking phone. When I go to clean it off, I noticed some splooge managed to get in between the phone case and the phone itself!!! Fuck! My phone smelled a bit after that.
TL;DR jizzed on phone, wasn't worth
ben25w: You were on the toilet, why didn't you just grab some tissues they were surely to hand.
A_Vagetarian: Yeah, that's what a smart person would have done.
ben25w: At least you've learnt from your mistake, get a waterproof (jizzproof) case.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1405674909 | 1405733154 | t3_2b17ph | t5_2to41 | 6 | Daenyrig: TIFU by not reading the system requirements
Hey /r/tifu,
Here's a short and sweet post about my screwup of the day.
I've been needing a new MMO recently. So, I decided to stroll into my local game store and buy an MMO I haven't played before.
After reading reviews and having mostly positive commentary from my friends, I decided on [this (Guild Wars 2)](http://imgur.com/3kQFI2e). Awesome and rare thing is that the game had [these beautiful disks](http://imgur.com/LGg2yI0) inside, without the CD being some bulls*** where it's only a f***ing installer that downloads the entire game.
**This day is currently going awesome!**
I go home, excited to pop the disks in, install and patch the game... and as I'm pulling the game out of the plastic, it dawns on me that I have a shiny box and a CD game for a game that I will not be able to play as soon as I hoped.
For alas, I have a laptop and I have one of [these things](http://imgur.com/ncfyE9Y) that will not work correctly.
TIFU by buying a game that is a 25GB and forgetting in moment of excitement that you don't have a working CD/DVD rom. TIFU by not reading the back of the f***ing box that says "CD/DVD rom requirement". TIFU by having a slowass connection that will take probably a day and a half to download.
-sigh- *gaming problems*.
Edit: How did that gif get jammed into my original post? o.O
blacksheepghost: You know that you can download the game client off their website? You need to create an account, but after you log in, there should be a "download client" button. Source: I bought the GW2 CE and never used the CDs.
EDIT: Hopped onto my laptop and snatched the download link!
https://account.guildwars2.com/account/download
EDIT2: Also, the download file on their website is only 22.2MB so it'll download fairly quickly. The game will install and afterward download the 18.4GB GW2.dat file at the login screen (which still happens whether you install using the CDs or by downloading). What I did was I installed the game and left the login window open overnight, giving the dat file plenty of time to download. Hope that helps. :)
Daenyrig: > TIFU by having a slowass connection that will take probably a day and a half to download.
Already was ahead of you in the original post.
blacksheepghost: Second edit addresses that. :-)
Edit: Just curious, how slow is the slowass connection?
Daenyrig: Pretty slow. About 500 KB/s.
blacksheepghost: Question for you then, which do you think will take overall less time, downloading the installer or waiting until you have a new DVD drive or a new computer? Keep in mind that if you wait, you still may have to download the updates from the past year and a half before you can play.
Daenyrig: Obviously downloading it since I will be getting my computer done by a few months.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1405668789 | 1405716518 | t3_2b12p9 | t5_2to41 | 41 | jazzyd38: TIFU by working out to loud
So i have a home gym set up in my garage and its really small, just a treadmill, punching bag, a bench, and plenty of weights.
My garage is also where i have a dartboard, tv, mini bar set up for when friends come over, we just relax there.
So, i hadn't used my weights for weeks because i would be playing basketball or soccer during the evenings and come home and rest. I was frustrated with myself for not having touched them for so long, so I made it a point to go in today to have a killer workout.
I put some music on, put my gloves on and attacked the heavy bag with a lot of might (I was a amateur boxer before multiple concussions forced me to quit), got on the treadmill for a good sprint, and then tackling the weights. I was in my own zone, i was grunting very hard, screaming after dropping the weights, pounding my chest after finishing a good round on the heavy bag, and felt pretty good.
Now, my basement tenants at my house don't know what i have in my garage (as well as some neighbors), they are young guys too and we only do some smalltalk about games and such.
I opened the door to the garage after my workout, and all sweaty, red faced, still heavily breathing, began to walk to my house.
My tennant was there with his buddies in front of their basement door, and after looking at me asked, "yo jazzyd38, were you jerking off in your garage? I heard grunting, panting, and screaming for over an hour".
While his buddies werent saying anything, our neighbours who were on their own patio both sides, heard it and started snickering. I just chuckled and lightly said "naww" and walked inside, and then i realized while taking a shower that,
1. I never told him that i was working out, i just said "naww", which could mean pretty much anything you can imagine
2. I said it lightly, my neighbours didnt hear me say it
3. His buddies and my neighbours probably think i'm some weirdo who jacks off in his garage.
I just casually said fuck, and probably wont be leaving my house for as long as i can.
TL;DR, working out in my garage being really loud in process, tenant asks if i was jerking off, loud enough for neighbours to hear, pretty much didnt say anything, neighbourhood thinks i jerk off in my garage.
TIFU..
TronKitten: Of all the things you could have said.. and it was so easy to explain too.
PM_ME_Y0UR_PROBLEM: *Naaaww*
rustier_trombone: [That ain't me] (http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/2375348/that-ain-t-me-o.gif)
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1405681399 | 1405736185 | t3_2b1cxl | t5_2to41 | 16 | TalulahWatson: TIFU: Spent the morning rooting around in a dumpster with the fervor of a rabid hungry raccoon
edit: found
-My_Other_Account-: Call the sanitation department. Maybe it isn't too late and you can still find the bag wherever they took the trash.
TalulahWatson: Trying to get an idea from them if it is possible to determine if the location is accessible. Thanks guys.
-My_Other_Account-: Keeping my fingers crossed for you. :)
| 4 | 4 | |
1405688209 | 1405689525 | t3_2b1jpd | t5_2to41 | 10 | wspfld413: TIFU by tailgating a thugs "wife".
I was on my way to the deli yesterday afternoon minding my own business when suddenly a white Sonata cuts me off. I tap my horn as to say "what's up with that"? The woman driving the car then taps her brakes and throws her left arm up in the air, which i took as a "fuck off"! So big deal. This happens all the time I really thought nothing of it until we got to the next stoplight.
I'm waiting at the red light and I see her lift her phone up to the rear view mirror as to take a picture of me. Being the sarcastic idiot that I am, I give a great big smile. The light turns green and after a few seconds she starts driving. At this point I was thinking: she must be taking my picture to text her friends "look at this idiot i pissed off today". But I was wrong.
I'm almost to the deli and this lady was starting to drive erratically. Switching lanes and pinning it to pass a car on the right. Then, switching back to the left and passing another car. Seemed like she was trying to get away from me. I just kept in my lane and drove the speed limit. It just so happens that every car she passed just turned down another street and i was still behind her.
At the light before the deli we ended up stopped rite next to each other. I could tell she was looking over to me and screaming something but i just kept looking straight, ignoring her with a big grin on my face, thinking this will annoy her more than interacting with her.
The light turns green, she speeds off, and I turn into the street with the deli, relieved that she has driven away. But just as i turn to step out of the truck, a little black civic pulls up to my door and a shirtless, puerto rican, "thug" jumps out and approaches me saying "WHY YOU FOLLOWING MY WIFE!? WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY YOU FOLLOWING MY WIFE ASSHOLE!?"
Completely caught off guard I respond with "Easy man. I'm not following anyone".
"WHY YOU STALKING MY WIFE!? I'LL KILL YOUR ASS! WHY IS MY WIFE CALLING ME, SCARED, SAYING SOME FUCK IS FOLLOWING HER!?"
I didn't know what to do. He wouldn't listen to anything I was saying and trying to argue back would just piss him off more. So I just said "I'm sorry. I'm not following your wife. You'll never see me again".
"I BETTER NOT SEE YOU FUCKING AGAIN! I GOT YO LICENSE PLATE. IF I SEE YOU I WILL KILL YOU! THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY".
He got back in his car and left. I sat there for a minute, a little shaken up, trying to understand what just happened, then proceeded into the deli and went about my day.
The biggest problem with this whole story is it happened just a few miles from my house. The guy claims if he ever sees me again he'll kill me. He must live close by because he appeared to his wife's aid within a few minutes. I was only driving behind her for about 10 minutes total. I drive a bright red pickup truck, very easy to spot. And I park it in my driveway rite by the road. I'm worried he might drive by one day and recognize my truck then break into my house at night with other thugs.
Any suggestions what to do before my whole family is in jeopardy from this stupid bitches ego?
poohspiglet: Did you get the guys vehicle plate number? That is the first clue the police will need. You could and probably should make an incident report with them, just in case something happens in the future. But if you don't have a vehicle reg, it might be hard to pin down who the threat is. I still think it would be a good idea to report to police.
wspfld413: I did not get the plate number. He sped off before i could take my phone out.
poohspiglet: Next time use your eyes and a piece of paper. The first thing I always notice about any vehicle that is not being driven properly or erratically is the color, brand, and reg. Basics. Then write it down.
What you could also do is write the whole incident down so you don't have to keep repeating it over and over. While it's still fresh in your memory. Include the street names/businesses you recall where the incident occurred. Write those details down now, because by this afternoon, or tomorrow, you may forget.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1405684210 | 1406065262 | t3_2b1fgf | t5_2to41 | 77 | 0nel0c0: TIFU by choking out a stranger
I was on my way to Telus(phone company in Canada) to deal with a problem I had with my phone. When I got there, there was a line of people so i walked straight to the back of it. I didnt notice right away but I was standing directly behind a good friend of mine.
I thought it would be funny if i put him in a choke hold, not a hard one but a playful "haha gotcha suckkaaa" type of choke hold. So I did it. From the way my friend reacted it seemed like he got the gist that he knew it was me and started playing along with it. We were probably playfully wrestiling for a solid 15 seconds, both giggling like little girls. When I eased up a bit and left a bit of space for his head to turn, we locked eyes. It wasnt my friend.
When i realized it wasnt him, I fully let go, I just gave a nervous half smile and placed my self back in line. He did the same thing. Its like the instant we knew what just happened, no words were needed to be said. Saying anything would just feel more awkward and embarassing.
Tl;dr I thought i gave my friend a choke hold but it wasnt him.
WickedVocalist: If you did that in the US you'd be in the clink for a solid 6 months even if he didn't press charges..
They'd probably keep you longer than they'd keep an ex-con for assault if you never pled guilty..
We used to be able to rough house and joke around here, but not anymore.
talktodogs: No you wouldn't. If the man didn't press charges, what is some guy standing five feet away gonna get you arrested?
WickedVocalist: In the US the state would press the charges.. No witness would be needed. No person presses charges in most criminal proceedings now, it is the city attorneys that file and press charges in most cases.
We aren't Canada.
Our laws did used to be that way. But they aren't any more.
We used to be able to decline to press charges but now the state has the 'right' to do so with or without the victims cooperation.
I wish it were still that lax but it isn't.
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1405689787 | 1405693428 | t3_2b1lol | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by screwing my GF
TIFU by screwing my GF (and completely unrelated: TIFU by un-ticking that little 'flair' box on the right when you make these to see what it does when you have finished typing your fuck up)
Meta right there
So lets begin, We're minors, her mom invades privacy constantly, and is over-protective even for a mother.
It all started when I had to stay at my GFs house for a week. We were the only ones awake one day and we decided to do the dirty on the couch whilst everyone was out. fast forward to the day after I left, we were texting and we tend to sext a lot so when my GF took a shower she had put her phone on the bathroom sink. Her mother walked in while she was taking a shower and saw her phone and picked it up and started going through our text messages for no reason whatsoever. She scrolls up and sees what we text and that's where my world went to hell for now a total of 7 months of misery.
After that when we went to school we were worried she was going to try her best to separate and she really did. At first it was getting so bad that my GF was trying to leave me for some other guy that I will now call 'Mr Bighead'. Anyway it came down to a dance that was coming up and her mom said she couldn't go with me and before even consulting me (not knowing she had feelings for the other guy yet, obviously I was confused and angry) asked why and she wouldn't tell me, I finally talked her out of going but she had no choice in the matter and that's when things escalated.
During the dance Mr Bighead kissed her (we were still with each other) and she said she just sat down the rest of the dance. To pour salt in the wound there was this thing they had that allowed the partners to 'marry' and they even gave them little engagement rings she refused to wear it because she wanted me more than him at the time but when I found out I was still a bit broken because she also had broken a ton of promises in one night. I immediately forgave her because it wasn't completely her choice(not regretting this decision) And she kept going back and forth (dare I say this as a guy) but like the twilight series(cringes) between us. To a point where I couldn't take this stress anymore (it wasn't just the stress of having to deal with this but I was still getting over my father's death just 3 months before) I had started cutting myself. She found out about because she saw my wrist and started bawling, needless to say I stopped. He was also kissing her at school events where I wasn't and holding her on the bus. I eventually 'won' per say because I possess suave that Mr. Bighead didn't and the fact that I actually treated her with respect.(It wasn't because I was cutting myself I actually reasoned with her, not guilt tripping her) He was just a horny toad trying to get in her pants(he failed I might add) I'm not joking he was trying to touch her in places within the first week. she was under a lot of stress too and was trying to find a way better for both of us. I just pleaded that we should still try to be each other's even though we can't talk to each other as much. What's there to lose?
You think that's the end of it? Well in the meantime everything went smoothly and my GF and I were recovering everything seemed like it was going well, but then... she managed to get her phone back because her mom thought she "lost" it. She wanted to "share" certain pictures. No details. So we did and this was over a course of two months or so. She got sloppy with deleting because she started to think her mom wasn't going to eventually catch her with her phone so eventually her mom found the phone and with the goods on it too. So now she's probably going to another school next year, and I have no way of communicating with her.
We both feel the same way about each other and it's completely consensual. Her mom doesn't understand this and no matter how many times my GF tells her that it is she still won't let up. So we're stuck in this... Mess. I've been in misery the past several months and possible the next several. I don't know what to do. I know some of my actions weren't the best I'd rather you didn't try to tell me what I did wrong but to tell me what I can do. So basically no Captain Hindsights. I love her dearly and she feels the same towards me.
TL;DR Had sex with my GF, her mom found out. Proceeded to make our lives hell.
Grennith: Either you're extremely young or your GF's mum is extremely overprotective
> I love her dearly and she feels the same towards me
> We both feel the same way about each other and it's completely consensual
> Her mother walked in while she was taking a shower and saw her phone and picked it up and started going through our text messages for no reason whatsoever
mq999: > We're minors
So they are doing the illegal things.
Grennith: Having sex prior to the 18th birthday isn't exactly illegal where I'm from
mq999: The sex isn't bit distributing porn is. (In the UK).
Grennith: Sending pics privately as OP indicated isn't distributing now, is it? :p
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1405690271 | 1405741215 | t3_2b1mad | t5_2to41 | 2,639 | zersh: TIFU by disturbing a couple having sex outdoors at 11am
so i went for a little bike tour in the morning to dodge the midday heat.
i live in a very crowded city in germany and almost in the center of it, so i have to ride/walk fairly far to enjoy some nature.
anyways. i'm happily riding along, enjoying mother nature. didn't have my ipod with me, since i'm not a smart man and didn't turn it off over night, so it became obviously discharged.
whatever. enjoying the fking nature. the birds being birds, rocks being rocks, sun being sun and stuff.
going for a nice hill i know about and have NEVER seen someone up there.
a mate calls and asks to hang out.
i'm driving 1 handed, having my mate on the cell.
we're talking, i don't really pay attention to my surroundings, grass gets really tall around me.
a sudden move to my left, followed by a really loud moan makes me turn my head and yell:
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
dude takes his gf/woman/SO/w.e. doggy and is really humping the shit out of her, stops, looks at me like this: o.o while having his dick in her and i stare at him like Ò.Ó and his gf/woman/SO/w.e looks at me like :D :X.
we have an awkward 10 second staredown, i decide to turn the fuck around and be on my way.
my mate, worried at first, pisses himself on the cell after i explained what happened.
i feel bad, if you guys happen to read this.. i'm sorry. but that staredown..... LOL
/edit spelling
/edit 2 - since people don't really understand how this is a fuck up to me, i'm pretty sure they didn't continue after this incident and i feel like a huge cockblock. i really can't stand is being a cockblock, even if it happened by accident. i feel like the unexpected parent, coming home early. nobody wants that.
Subliminary: So I guess all those outdoor German porn videos are actually real? Makes me wonder about the pizza delivery guy scenario now...
Kryonix: "If the pizzaman truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear?
[pauses]
Perhaps she's done something wrong."
crayonicorn: You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes. And you don't talk about it. Just turn it off.
Well now he's got a boner
PM_ME_YOUR_PHOTOS: Is this what you boys do now? Sit around and watch porno with angels?
EpicCharizard: I miss Bobby.
ACEmat: ....Bobby died?
Dr_Explosion: Yup. And he's *gone* gone. He stuck around as a ghost for awhile, and then came back for an episode so Sam could smuggle out of Hell and get him into Heaven. I haven't watched it recently, but as far as I know, Bobby's gone for good.
ACEmat: *Why the fuck would you tell me?! I haven't gotten that far yet you asshole.*
Dr_Explosion: Why the fuck would you ask, ya dingleberry?
ACEmat: I didn't ask for the details!
giggs123: You asked if he died, dumbass. What were you expecting?!
ACEmat: It was a rhetorical question. The guy already said Bobby died. I wasn't asking if he had, as I'd already been told.
| 13 | 203 | |
1405692259 | 1405701234 | t3_2b1owt | t5_2to41 | 7 | YaBoyGod: TIFU by touching my chrush's boobs
This happened about 6 months ago, but I got to know the real results of it not too long ago. Just a little backstory first:
So there was this girl, let's call her Sarah. I had known Sarah for about 4 years, and had a big crush on her for the same time. This winter we started hanging more together, along with 2 other couples of friends, mostly watching netflix on the couch, cuddling. The two other couples were of course dating, while me and Sarah were just friends. This naturally lead to me and her cuddling as well.
As we hung more and more out, I developed a bigger and bigger crush on her, and I'm pretty sure she liked me too. Once when we were saying goodbye, we were standing very awkwardly just looking at each other, smiling, before we hugged and said goodbye. (Now I wish I'd said something like "Is this when we are supposed to kiss, or what?")
Now to the actual fuckup:
One night she decided to have a sleepover, along with one of the couples. It was all put together quite late, but she insisted on me coming when I said things like "eh it's getting a bit late, why don't we just do it another time?". I get there, and we watch a few movies, cuddle, the usual..
It's getting a bit late and it's super hot on her room, so she takes off her bra, so she's just wearing a shirt. (So fucking hot). When we decide to sleep, we let the dating couple take the bed, while me and Sarah sleep on matrass**es**. Still being in the cuddling mood, i have my hand on her belly, while we are falling asleep. Me having the biggest boner, and it being 2 am in the night, I decide it's a great fucking idea to move my hand up to her boobs. I do it slowly, and I know she is still awake. I go on, and cup her breast, and it feels so good. After a little while I take it away, and we both fall asleep.
Next day she is being pretty quiet when we are watching TV. I just brush it off as her being tired, and don't really think much about it. Next few days we don't send any Snapchats to eachother and things are being extremely quiet. I try to message her, but after a few messages back and forth she asks if we can just be friends. Of course I say Ok, but that was when it hit me how hard I had fucked it up. I had spent about 3-4 months making her like me only to ruin everything in 30 minutes.
The next few months we're not really hanging out much, until summer comes. We start going alot to the beach every weeked, together with a large group of other people. I decide I can try to get things going again, and see if I can have another shot with her.
For a little while it's going great, but I'm getting mixed signals from her, so I decide to ask one of my close friends who is also good friends with Sarah, to try and talk about me with her. After she's talked to her, she says Sarah likes me, but only as a friend. My heart drops in my chest, and I realize I'm never going to get this girl.
Now we're both going off to different highschools this fall, so now everything is lost. It's probably the single action that has affected my life ever.
I've never told anyone about this before, so it feels kinda good to tell someone. And I did touch her boobs, so atleast I got that going for me..
**TL;DR: Sleepover at crush, touch her boobs, she stops being with me, everything between us is over**
ALSO, English is not my first language, and I'm typing from iPhone, so sorry for any mistakes
NikoTehGreat: That sucks bro. I know that feel. Well, I dont actually since I've never been liked by a girl. I just hope it works out for you for the better, just don't stop trying I guess is the only advice I can offer.
YaBoyGod: Thanks, yeah I guess theres really nothing I can do. I blew it :(
Maniel: Don't worry little fella, you didn't blow anything. Life starts after highschool. The boobs that want to be touched are out there... waiting just for you. Chin up lad.
YaBoyGod: Haha thanks, looking forward to it ;)
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1405631372 | 1405703239 | t3_2azmu0 | t5_2to41 | 11 | box-art: TIFU by surfing on my phone without a data plan
TIFU by being a damn teenager. A stupid, STUPID teenager.
So all this happened a couple of years ago when we didn't have internet (don't ask me why we didn't have it, I have no freaking idea) and I'd be bored out of my freaking mind. And I was also maybe 14 years old so maybe its not that hard to guess as to what was I surfing for. So anyway, I surfed and surfed with it. I actually got a warning at school from a friend who had made the same mistake, surfing the net on his phone without a data plan. And so with his warning my throat went down to my asshole. I mean, what kind of bill was I going to get?
So one day, I heard my mom on the phone from my room and I couldn't hear the specific wording but I could hear her gasping loudly. And when the phone call ended, she came to my room all serious and stuff and I was like "ohhhhh crap". And she just calmly asked me "Hey, I just got your phone bill. Wanna guess how much it was?" And I tried to hold my shit together and tried to calmly ask (though I slipped a bit, at least with my expression) "Uhh, I don't know, how much?" And then she dropped the goddamn nuke: 500€. And the one for next month was going to be around the same. And she didn't yell at me because I, either out of "pure genius" or through fear of some sort of punishment said "Well look! We don't have internet here! I can't play videogames all the time, I've already played through all of them a gazillion times! So I surfed the net when I was bored okay!" and of course leaving out the fact as to what was I surfing so much as a 14 year old boy.... Really BIG eyes of course, I mean duh....
So anyway, she paid the bills and I just banged my head against the wall (sometimes literally, sometimes figurtively) and facepalmed daily for a couple of months because that's an extra 1000€ down the motherfreaking drain and I couldn't really look at my mother in the eye for a couple of weeks.
TL;DR - Surfed the net on my phone without a data plan and made a bill totaling 1000€.
Scythie: Well, did she get you an internet connection?
box-art: Yep, we had AWFUL 3G internet for 2 years or so before getting a wired connection. It took me a while to convice her to do that too. And as for my phone? Yes, when I got an iphone in 2009, got a data plan for that immediatly.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1405695728 | 1405697865 | t3_2b1u7f | t5_2to41 | 3 | themightybadgercat: tifu by nipping to the car in my jeans.
UWbadger23: English not your strong point huh
themightybadgercat: Not quite sure what your problem is really but thanks for commenting.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405691150 | 1405753206 | t3_2b1nf5 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a sex innuendo.
So I was chatting with this girl that I met on OKCupid. She's really nice, pretty, with a little extra around the sides. But nevertheless we hit it off really well.
Today I was chatting with her as per usual when I took a picture of myself playing FIFA 14 on my laptop with the controller, the conversation pretty much went like this:
Her: OMG I wanna play!!
Me: We could play on a bed ;)
Her: Yeah! It'll be really soft
Me: Um... You don't get it do you? That's okay, you're too pure.
Her: ...lol..
I've been apologizing quite abit, we're actually supposed to meet tomorrow but I just had to have a corrupted brain fart that instant. I'm praying to God asking him to help me and in return I will give him an additional 20 days of NoFap to my current 90.
TL;DR: Fucked up by cracking a sex innuendo to a girl I just started talking to not long ago.
LostMyAccountInfo: Wait...
You made an innuendo to a girl you met on a dating site.
A dating site meant for intimate relationships.
How is this a TIFU? Did she stop talking to you?
Maybe your actual TIFU is the fact that maybe she was making an innuendo as well and you failed to pick it up.
^I am lonely.
gabrieltan_: Well I'm from Singapore, where the country is as sexed-up as most other countries (sadly). Majority of the women aren't interested in sex out of relationships. Fucking sad nation
LostMyAccountInfo: I considered mentioning the fact that you're probably not in Singapore where... this... is... the... case...
(I am from Singapore too, that's why such a response felt so familiar).
gabrieltan_: Idk man SG girls are like too LTR/STR minded, we need American-like flings and stripclubs
phycas: Man it honestly is not like the movies over here lol. Women are a little easy sometimes, but then again who isnt with some jack daniels?
gabrieltan_: Roofies should do the trick
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1405698472 | 1405699643 | t3_2b1yru | t5_2to41 | 9 | SexyPancake1: TIFU By jacking off
This actually happened last night but that doesn't matter.
I haven't been feeling the best lately and have been throwing up and all of that other shit that happens when your sick. It's been a while since i made the blind man cry so i figured that right before i go to bed i do it. I get all prepared with phone in hand on porn hub. I start going and everything is great, but then my stomach starts to hurt a little but. So i take a 15 second break and then continue going. As soon i start again my stomach continues to hurt, but this time i don't care, I'm going full out on this one. As i'm about to release my offspring into some toilet paper i feel something coming up my neck. Right when the sperm leaves my body, I throw up all over the place, on me and bed, some on the floor it's everywhere! So then i get up and pretty much use all of my remaining straight to clean up the mess. After that, I didn't sleep much.
Ghost_Rape_The_Whip: At least you didn't shit the bed!
SexyPancake1: Good guy /u/Ghost_Rape_The_Whip. Always thinking on the bright side of things
Ghost_Rape_The_Whip: It's a hard job but somebody has to do it.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1405693426 | 1405705426 | t3_2b1qky | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by forgetting the one thing I needed
I rushed down the stairs with a grimace on my face as I realized I was going to be late to my exam. My eyes were sore from the many hours I had spent trying to study but actually browsing Reddit the night before. I donned my jacket and quickly hit my kurig machine so that it would create the nectar of the gods while I raced to find something quick to eat. looking at my watch and forgetting everything I sprinted towards my car knowing I was completely and utterly fucked. I Jumped in and slammed the ignition only realizing that I had not even put the keys in the car. I cursed my stupidity and started the car. I Pod-raced down the street going at un-fathomable speeds until I finally reached my testing building. I ran through the doors and went through the security going through the usual pat downs and metal detectors that came with most of our major tests. I sprinted through until I reached the dreaded room B-304. I passed the guard who smugly sat by the door looking at my decrepit state. I went through and sat down feeling 100's of eyes boring into me from every angle. I finally gulped a gulp of embarrassment and asked for the test. The dreaded document of doom was placed in-front of me and I stared down at it with a look of fear in my eyes. I then reached into my bag and started to feel around. What started as groping turned into a frantic search through my entire bag. After practically turning the entire thing inside out I realized I was fucked. I had forgot my God damn shroom's for my religion exam.
sinful_kangaroo: I genuinely don't understand this. Is it just referencing the fact that ancient prophets would use hallucinogens to 'speak to God'? Because in that case, this is just willfully esoteric.
climbing_higher: I am as confused as you are...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405699082 | 1405702533 | t3_2b1zs5 | t5_2to41 | 41 | _marshmellon_: TIFU by telling my dad about my ex who hit it and quit it
This was about two weeks ago.
So my dad and I have a pretty close father daughter relationship but I usually keep my sexscapades to myself because who the fuck talks to their dad about that?
Well anyways I dated this prick for about a month and I thought things were pretty serious so we did the deed and then two days later he dumped me. Needless to say I was pissed and felt used blah blah blah (insert girl emotions here) and my dad kept being a total insensitive asshole about it because he thought I was being "needy" and "over reacting" so I was like FUCK OFF DAD WE SLEPT TOGETHER ONCE AND HE DUMPED ME! WHO EVEN DOES THAT IN REAL LIFE?!
This triggered the most EPIC meltdown of all meltdowns.
You haven't lived until your father screams at you about venereal diseases until he's red in the face.
Here are some direct quotes
"SO HELP ME IF I HAVE TO BUY YOU A TRUCKLOAD OF CONDOMS AND PLAN B PILLS I WILL WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK"
"VENEREAL DISEASES!!! BIRTH CONTROL DOESN'T PROTECT AGAINST THOSE!! VENEREAL FUCKING DISEASES!!!"
"IF THIS SHIT DOESN'T TURN YOU INTO A FUCKING NUN THEN NOTHING WILL"
and finally when all the yelling was done.
"I just... I just need some time to recover"
Syncharmony: I mean, did you use a condom or was he just assuming that you didn't? Or did you actually tell him it was unprotected sex and that's why he went apeshit?
_marshmellon_: The latter. I trusted the guy which was obviously a mistake. Lesson learned. I'll be sure to update if I start to feel any uncomfortable itching or burning in that area.
Syncharmony: Ouch, yeah... that's rough. I don't know if I could say I would react a whole much more differently if I had a daughter and she told me that. It's probably a good idea to get yourself checked out regardless of feeling any discomfort down there. It's worth the peace of mind since this guy you have described doesn't exactly sound like a pillar of society. Even the nicest and cleanest looking fellow can hide a pretty dark secret. Good luck.
_marshmellon_: Will do! Thanks
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1405699650 | 1405701964 | t3_2b20qi | t5_2to41 | 40 | barrysh11: TIFU by doing karaoke
I was in NYC for a long weekend with my sister and a few friends of ours. She had recently broken off her engagement, so we decided to paint the town red.
There were four of us, and we managed to spend $800 in a bar before we decided it was time to really test our vocal prowess. We tried to google karaoke bars while walking back from SOHO and after god knows how long we walk past a bar where we can hear music blaring.
We enter the bar and head immediately to the dj, after not being able to decipher most of the pages of song titles, the thought of Bruce Springsteen popped into my head.
Once we hit the stage and the music started, I looked out to the crowd to notice every single patron of the establishment (besides us) was Asian. Problem was, I had picked Born in the USA.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuJUq58VQXQ
Second verse and I had just recited the line "put a gun in my hand, i'm off to kill the yellow man" Crowd was dead silent and according to my sister and friends a few had enagaged the DJ and started shouting.
My friends pulled me off stage and we booked. I didn't even get to finish the song.
tl;dr I infuriated a whole room of asians by singing Bruce Springsteen
Mardok_: Screw the Mongorians...Go to City Wok next time.
gongerguy: Shitty Wok
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1405700705 | 1405781326 | t3_2b22i8 | t5_2to41 | 43 | Future2050: TIFU by accidentally breaking my Mom's arm.
This was not today, it was actually a year ago today when I was watching a war movie with my Dad (We Were Soldiers starring Mel Gibson). My mom is not entirely fond of war movies with blood and gore. So she went downstairs to do some laundry. Me being very sensitive, I think to myself "oh no, my Mom is down their all alone, let me send our dog down there to keep her company". About five minutes later she comes upstairs crying saying she tripped over the dog after turning around to grab something. My dad drove her to the hospital. Turned out it was a fracture in her radial head (on the elbow). She went through months and months of physical therapy.
tl;dr: I accidentally caused my mom to break her arm sending her into months of physical therapy by just trying to be nice and to keep her company.
edit: My dad actually drove her to the hospital the next day, thus finding out about the fracture.
blissdancefly: Sounds like it's your dog's fault. Unless you sent him down there with the intent of hurting her, it's just one of those things that happens. You're not to blame.
Bard_the_Bowman_II: Definitely. Cats and small dogs are just terrible at avoiding people. My terrier is always standing directly behind me without me knowing, so if I turn around I step on/trip over her, and my outdoor cat will purposely get directly in front of me when I walk, and slow down. It's almost like they want people to trip over them.
Future2050: r/animalsbeingjerks
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1405702251 | 1405737947 | t3_2b257k | t5_2to41 | 129 | JaneSchmane: TIFU by Showing the University my Ass [NSFW]
Throwaway for this. It happened today, around 2 AM for me, 11 AM for my university. I was super tired, but I had to talk to them. So, I'm on the phone with one of the higher up administrators at the university, trying to figure out a solution to my problems getting a visa. The representative on the phone asks for a scanned copy of my passport, and I'm happy to oblige. I scan the relevant page of the passport, open up my email, put in the relevant email address, attach the copy, and send. Only, I didn't. What I attached instead was a picture I had taken for my boyfriend; skirt on, hand scrunching it up, and ass to camera. After sending, I double checked the email in the outbox, and realized my mistake. Needless to say, I hung up immediately. I sent the actual copy a few minutes later, but... I haven't heard anything from my university since. I'm concerned; can I lose my place because of this?
EDIT: Sorry it took so long to reply, I had some errands to run. I received an email from the representative about two hours ago:
"Let's just pretend that didn't happen."
And then another email with the information I needed for my visa... I guess you were right, /u/meganisium.
/u/workstudy_, that's almost the exact angle I took it from. Are... Are you the representative?
EDIT 2: Fine, fine. Here's a cropped version of the photo, for comparison purposes. [I'm going to get recognized.]( http://imgur.com/cF7AZ33)
Yes, I've been 18 for months.
niquorice: We'll need the picture to be sure.
jeric13xd: Yeah. We don't believe you... ;)
MikeR0tch: I'll just leave [this mirror](http://eofdreams.com/photo/mirror/02/) here, do with it what you please
| 4 | 32.25 | |
1405708750 | 1405711037 | t3_2b2gp5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | ouillethrowaway: TIFU by getting a blowjob
MSLB: I don't get it.
ouillethrowaway: My mother called me at the wrong time…
I thought that having my own apartment would mean that I wouldn't need to worry anymore of being disturbed when inviting ladyfriends =/
MSLB: Ahah that's funny, what did she say?
ouillethrowaway: She didn't have time to say anything, I NOPE'D THE FUCK OUT, rushed to my laptop and closed it with the speed of a thousand photons.
She had a good five seconds before I realized what was happening, though.
MSLB: Haha that's funny
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1405709902 | 1405799542 | t3_2b2ipf | t5_2to41 | 54 | masturbatingzombie: TIFU by leaving my SO's car running...
I don't know how I managed to do this.
My SO let me borrow her car for the day (for the firs time ever) so we could get our doggy to the vet for shots and a check-up. I left the office, flustered with the bill, and reached into my pocket for the keys just to realize I didn't have them. I looked into the car and there were the keys in the ignition. Somehow, for the hour and a half that I was at the vet, I left my SO's car running in the parking lot. Luckily I was dumb enough to have left it unlocked too. 1/4 tank of gas, gone. Good thing no one stole the car.
Astreix_: What car uses 1/4 of a tank of fuel in an hour an a half at idle? I'd barely use 1/4 of a tank driving at 100km/hr for that time!
HeyWasted: ford bronco?
LordHole: Oh how I wish I could buy a Bronco. Harsh WI winters destroy most of them though.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1405710683 | 1405713917 | t3_2b2jy0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | DaCoochieMonster: TIFU by drinking Coochie Juice
5ynchr0m4g3: I call bs
DaCoochieMonster: aite it was a wiffle bat.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405712176 | 1405916122 | t3_2b2mnl | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to give blood.
Let me back up a bit first. Last night me and my girlfriend attempted to have sex. Today, I see a blood drive and decide to give blood. While she's looking me up in the computer (not my first time giving blood) I realize that you can't give blood if you've had sex in the last 30 days. I tell the woman that I forgot that I couldn't give blood today. She asked me if it was cause I had gotten a tattoo or piercing within the last 30 days. I told her no and we both just awkwardly stared at each other. Then I got the fuck off that bus and drove home as fast as I could. She knew why and it kinda scared me cause I'm not vocal about my sex life besides people knowing I have a girlfriend. I'm male.
bunnybuddy: I think you may be mistaken. There is no rule excluding people from donating blood if they've had sex within the last 30 days (in the U.S., at least). If that were the case, virtually no one would be able to donate. They do exclude men who have had sex with a man even once, and women who have had sex within the last year with a man who has had sex with a man, but not everyone who has had heterosexual sex recently.
[deleted]: So why do they always ask?
bunnybuddy: I donate blood several times a year, and I have never once been asked that.
[deleted]: I've been asked every time...
6romperstomper9: Maybe they think you are gay?
greyhorne: That would explain the awkward staring on the woman's part
6romperstomper9: There is no way I'm implying OP is gay. But maybe the woman thinks he may be?
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1405710623 | 1405797088 | t3_2b2juf | t5_2to41 | 582 | pumper911: TIFU By Not Checking to See if My Phone Auto-corrected my E-mail
One of my coworkers left recently for maternity leave and had the baby. She sent a team e-mail to the entire company showing a picture of her newborn. Responses started to come in congratulating her and I decided to do the same from my phone. I sent a reply (to the entire company as everyone else did) saying "Congrats" and quickly hit send without checking it. I get a reply from another employee which only contains a question mark.
Apparently my phone auto-corrected "congrats" (or a misspelling of it that I typed out) to "go gays". The entire company saw it. I am now hearing various coworkers yelling "go gays" at me while I'm at my desk.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Don't even be upset with what happened. That is hilarious. That's going to stick and you're going to like it.
pumper911: Of course the guy with the username "balls in my ass" loves the "go gays" TIFU.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Who says I'm a guy?
pumper911: Oh, in that case, what are you doing later?
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Taking two trains home to go see my wife and kids. You?
pumper911: > Wife and kids.
I don't even know what to think anymore.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: I'm throwing you in circles so you don't know up from down.
IronOxide42: That's what she said.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: That's a strong girl to be throwing someone around
TheJonesSays: You make me proud to be a redditor. Good job man or lady!
| 11 | 52.909091 | |
1405711653 | 1405964062 | t3_2b2lo7 | t5_2to41 | 20 | EricbsMC: TIFU by making it so my family couldn't go to my aunt's wedding
So mind you this is about a few years ago i was about 14 at the time.
So what had happened was me and my mom were going and getting groceries. It was just a normal trip to the local target so we were going to the car and it was dark outside like 9:00 pm so we couldn't see shit out there. Me and my mom load everything into the car and she tells me to go and put the cart where it belongs (aka. just throwing it out into the parking lot). Get home and everything is normal. We go to sleep everything is normal.
The next day we are getting ready to leave and we all get into the car to drive about 30-40 miles to go to the wedding location. My mom saw that we were low on gas and told me to go and get her purse. I look everywhere for her purse couldn't find it anywhere. She gets out of the car we give the house a good looking like just scanning every part of the house. (Really large really dirty house.) So were all in a panic and we are a really poor family so we couldn't go and just pay for the gas. My dad was an accountant and he owned his own business and his main money flow is tax season and it was like in the middle of the winter so tax season money was pretty much gone. And my mother was a teacher so she was our main money flow and with her purse to be nowhere to be found my mom was starting to have a mental breakdown.
My mom thinks back to the last place she remembers having her purse which was at the target last night. She went and looked in her car and it wasn't there. She remembers that i was the one who had gone and put the cart back after we left and she said that i forgot to get her purse out of the cart. (we never found the purse so we don't actually know that i left it in that cart but very high chance.) So she was in a panic we go and run down to the target and ask the people in there if they had found a purse in one of the carts. They say that they had found nothing of the sorts and would call her if they do.
So without any money to buy gas my mom goes and calls my aunt and tells her that we won't be able to come BECAUSE I FORGOT THE PURSE
IN THE CART AT TARGET.(we still don't even know if i did) yeah so everyone knows that i did it and everyone blames me for not being able to go to the wedding. I end up getting shunned from the family for a good month or two because i fucked up. And in the end my mom ends up having to get a new credit card new everything i don't know the process to this shit, but it took her a week to get everything back how she had it before.
tl;dr: end up losing my moms purse at the target at night and cant go to my aunts wedding cause were poor and everyone in my family hates me.
talktodogs: OP!!!
/r/tifu is for things you did TODAY ONLY!!!
TheRealMcCoy95: first rule of /tifu
1.All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today.
Dumb ass....
EricbsMC: thank you...
| 4 | 5 | |
1405712144 | 1405782760 | t3_2b2mkv | t5_2to41 | 68 | MustardBandit007: TIFU by drinking coffee.
This is not the faint hearted. The story begins this morning with a coffee, and leads to a shit filled bathtub and then a dangerous encounter with some sort of mustard gas.
I had to run some errands in South Philadelphia and figured I'd hit up my friend to see what he was doing. On the way I grabbed an iced coffee from this great hipster spot on South St-- very good and strong stuff. After my errands I met up with my friend, who was at our mutual weed dealer's house. Decided to hang and smoke for a bit. "What a great way to start my morning?" I thought... I got a little stoned and enjoyed the ice coffee. 20 or so pass and our dealer, let's called him Jack, says he has to go over the bridge to NJ to re-up. Tells us he'll throw in a free 1/4 oz if we keep him company. My friend jumped on the opportunity while I hesitated to go on the drug run. I am a music producer and explained that I had a bunch of work do with a project today and should get to it. "Oh, great! Hold the fort down and we'll be back in about 2 hours. You've got your laptop right?". I was allowed to smoke as much as I wanted and chill in his lavish house while he went out for a couple hours, sounded fine.
So I pulled out my laptop and got down to it. I was enjoying myself actually, until I felt the undeniable urge to shit that one feels after drinking a strong coffee. Jogged upstairs to the bathroom and noticed that the water level in the toilet was super low and had a toilet paper in it. Figured I'd give it a flush and then poop with a proper water level. NOPE. The water starts rising and to my worst fear, it doesn't stop. I panicked for a moment as toilet water seeped over the rim of the toilet and proceeded to flood his floor and even make its way a couple of feet into the living room. I was expecting the tank to fill and it to stop any second, but it didn't. So I reach my hand into the tank and see the problem, which I fix by jamming a container of clorox wipes under the floaty thing, to trick the tank into stopping the water. "FUCK YES!", I thought to myself.... I grabbed some beach towels from the other room and sopped all the water up from the bathroom and living room. I felt like I had saved the day. Now I had to confront the massive dump trying to force it's way out of me. I looked around and tried to find something like a paper bag to no avail, and I really had no options at this point. No backyard to go in, just a stoop outside to the street. I stared at the bathtub for a few seconds and thought "no problem, I'll just poop here and wash it down with the shower and some toilet cleaner..." Here I am, pooping in a drug dealer's bathtub with a fucking grin on my face, completely unaware of the trouble that lies ahead. As soon as I turn the water on I realize that the drain is completely backed up. The water isn't going anywhere, and the bathtub begins to fill with shit-soup (as far as poop goes it didn't smell that bad). I grab the plunger and begin to work the drain. Gradually I get the water level down and the bathtub is just left with disgusting broken up feces and hairballs that came up from the plunger.
I repeated this step several times until the tub looks clean, and then decide to go out to the store for some draino and bleach to clear the clogged tub and prevent my shit from coming back out when this guy goes to take his next shower, and then disinfect it with the bleach. Ended up with some shitty store brand bottle of draino that was like $3. The stuff didn't work that well, but it was better than nothing. I flushed it down after 10 minutes with some hot water and then filled it back up with the rest of the bottle. The drain was still a bit slow, but definitely better than it was before I took a shit in the tub. So now I proceeded to dump and spray the entire jug of bleach into the tub. I swished it around and figured I'd come back to check on it after 10 minutes or so when it was all down the drain. This is when shit got really bad. Within 5 minutes I began to smell it from downstairs. My eyes started to water as I got near the bathroom. I started to worry a bit, and when I opened the door I was engulfed in toxic fumes which burned my eyes, throat and skin within a few seconds. I ran downstairs to the kitchen sink where I threw water all over myself. After about 5 minutes I could tolerate it and decided to investigate upstairs again. I wet a towel and wrapped up my face, put on this dude's motorcycle goggles and a raincoat, and marched up to the bathroom. I made a quick entry to open the window, turn on the exhaust fan in the window, and get the fuck out of there. I have no idea exactly what reaction occurred, but my guess is that ammonia in the drain cleaner combined with the bleach to form mustard gas.
1 hour later
- no water/ damage in the bathroom/ living room from toilet overflow
- no poop in the tub and drain is clear
- no significant injury from mustard gas attack
- being in the bathroom still makes your eyes water, but doesn't seem too bad anymore.
- drug dealer and friend are still out and have no idea this happened
TL;DR
Drank strong coffee, had to poop in a guy's house while he was out. Flushed toilet before poop to get rid of some TP that was in it already, overflowed and flooded bathroom and living room. Had to poop so bad that I went in the bathtub. Tried to wash down with water but drain was already severely clogged. Fixed with plunger, draino. Filled tub with bleach to disinfect, it went down and reacted with the draino and formed gas that burned my eyes, mouth and skin.
psivenn: Was there a moment here when you thought, "Hey, what were those two things you're never supposed to mix again? Ahh forget it, I'll just get the Drano and bleach to cover my bases."
In all seriousness it was likely hydrochloric acid burning you. Good thing you didn't breathe deep or get too much of that shit in your eyes.
gomeziscool: Windex and bleach. Draino is sodium (or potassium) hydroxide. Bleach is sodium hypochlorite. The two can mix In low concentrations but in a reaction vessel like your drug D's drain they reac and give off chlorine heavy fumes, exactly as you descried. Been there done that before when I was the pool boy. Gassed out a group of friends once that way
Canihavesomeshoes: Hitler?
Godwins_Law_Bot:
##Hello, I am Godwin's law bot!##
I'm calculating how long on average it takes for hitler to be mentioned.
|Seconds|Hours|
---|---|---|
This post| 70561.0|19
Average Over 7595 posts|145955|40|
Median Over 7595 posts|16332|4|
Current High Score: 2 seconds
Number of bans this bot has received: 202
Number of times this bot has been replied to with the only content being the word hitler: 363
Graph of average over time available at www.plot.ly/~floatingghost/0
No new high score, try again next time.
| 5 | 13.6 | |
1405710986 | 1405793467 | t3_2b2kh9 | t5_2to41 | 33 | I_punch_kids_AMA: TIFU By letting a stranger buy drugs for me, then later knocking his teeth out and cuddling him.
At my buddies house, having a couple beers and waiting for 'his guy' to get there so we can buy some stuff. The door opens and this kid can't be more than 17, 18. Younger than I feel comfortable giving money to for drugs at the very least.
Anyways I cave, hand over forty bucks and this kid longboards away. What a tool.
About an hour later, after I start getting mad thinking I've been robbed, he gets back and says he took a little for his trouble. Little was half.
Strike one, Baby.
So we get high, me grumpily giving him more because I'm stupid. We have a moment alone in the room so he had me listen to some music he made. Uhg. Seeing that wasn't working he opted to shove his hand in my pants and mash his face into mine. I pushed him off and told him straight we weren't fucking.
Strike two, dirty creep.
Time passes, he takes money from more people and shorts them too. We are all a bit irritated, then he starts running his mouth. It was the last straw.
I was throwing hay makers at this kids face, no one stopping me, until I felt a pop and my hand stung. Broken teeth. He was bleeding and delirious and I was on a fury.
We stopped, I took a walk and washed up. One of the friends works in medical and checked him for a concussion. All clear, no one is dying tonight.
Later that night he comes to apologize and we ended up really connecting and I was able to sympathize with his situation of being the dumb kid who just wants to hang. We've all been there. He cried and I put him to bed, rubbing his hair until he fell asleep. WeIrd.
Bummer he fucked up too much to have most of us give him another chance, but I feel like he will be okay.
My hand hurts now.
StonedLizard: I'm confused are you a male or female? And where you buying the sweet herb?
I_punch_kids_AMA: I'm female and it wasn't weed.
CopDogg: It was crystal wasn't it?
Dinosoarman: Crystal-dreth.
I_punch_kids_AMA: My teeth are too good for that. Bummer, right?
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1405714054 | 1405716141 | t3_2b2q1m | t5_2to41 | 23 | the_tosser_incarnate: TIFU By soiling myself in the woman's restroom of an airport
Today I was at a stop in my flight at Chicago Midway. Midway could be considered famous for it's absolutely insane number of bathrooms it has within it's hallowed halls. I found myself upon a junction between men and women, confident that the mens bathrooms were always to the right I pressed towards the doorway. Instead of making an attempt to look up from reddit and verify my decision, I turned into the first doorway of what appeared to be a mens bathroom. The lack of urinals was puzzling at the time, but my full pressure meatball sub was going to have to be released so I suppresed these suspicions.
Instead saving myself by going outside to make sure that I was not in the wrong I just opted for a stall because I honestly was so confident that this was a mens restroom. Besides, I didn't see any women in there, not at the sinks or in the stalls. I picked the spacious handicap stall suite and released my burdens into the bowl and felt nirvana envelop me...
For about 3 seconds because as soon as my salty stream hit the pool, the presence of women became known in the bathroom. I mean they came from everywhere, much like that scene from Aliens when the creatures come from the ventilations and the floor, the stalls to the sinks were packed with women with the sole purpose of conversing about womanly things. As the horror of my commitment to the bathroom unfolded, I realized the longer I stayed there, the more I looked like that weird guy with a mustache that hides out in women's bathrooms to sneak a peek at the opposite sex at its best. I made the tough call to break off negotiations with the porcelain throne and packed my equipment up.
Like an untamed beast, the dragon was unrelenting with its attack on the and my attempts to quell it were unsuccessful, so I took the high road and brute forced it into my pants, which sent the shrapnel right into the crotch of my light khaki pants, now stained to a dark, UPS hue. My situation reduced to pure hysteria I sat there, pants soaked, sweating bullets at the chance of consequences, attempting to wait out the Women's Restroom Convention. For a moment it seemed like the dust settled, how long had it been? Minutes? Hours? My salvation had come and perhaps I could escape with my dignity, I threw open the stall door to meet eye contact with a mother who sat waiting as her daughter washed her hands.
I'm not a woman I'll admit, so I can't vouch for what she should have felt when a red faced, soiled pants nervous wreck came parading out of a womans restroom stall but I can say that it look like moderate to extreme confusion. Fortunately the portal to the unisex world was only a few meters away, but I had to deal with the casualties of my carelessness.
My solution was to sweat some more and stumble out mumbling "I'm sorry" over and over again, all while hoping to god that I never encounter this woman again in my travels. As I embraced the warm freedom of the terminal, it was short lived as a small group of other women saw my hurried escape as well as my 100% organic fashion statement and commented on the absurdity of the situation. The effort I put into losing myself in the crowd was impressive.
I've been trying to hide at my gate but my flight doesn't get here for another hour. I've seen the guardian of the restroom at least twice since my liberation and I just want to get out of here.
Edit: Words are hard sometimes and so is clarification on how I soiled myself.
A-Pi: If you're going to write so flowery, at least make your story make sense. It seems you missed an entire paragraph? How did you soil your pants?
the_tosser_incarnate: Equipment=Dick still flowing with the golden fluid of waste
Cramming that towards my pants causes major to extreme spilling.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1405715470 | 1405785743 | t3_2b2sl5 | t5_2to41 | 3,773 | space_jumper: TIFU by sticking a mega-steel marble up my arse while bathing. nsfw
This happened last week while visiting my Mother with my wife and kids....I had spent all day working in her yard, and was tired, hot, smelly and exhausted. Our house only has a shower, so I decided it would really be nice to relax in the tub at Moms house.
There I was, in the water relaxing, not a care in the world. I glanced at a bucket of toys my Mom puts out for the kids for their bath, and there on top of the bucket was a huge steel marble. Don't know why, but I got curious about what it would feel like 'back there'. Without thinking, I grabbed the marble and got busy. Took a little work to get it in, but after getting it past those resistance muscles, I felt quite the sensation as the marble slid on up inside me. WOW. OK, that was fun, now to push it out.
I pushed. Nothing. I pushed again, nothing. OK, so this was going to take a bit of work too. I pushed really hard, and yes, I felt it move towards the exit....right up to where those resistance muscles were. I pushed and pushed until I grew tired, and swoosh, felt the marble go back up deeper inside me. Getting concerned now. I push and push again, marble works back up to those pesky resistance muscles, and I hold my breath and grab the sides of the tub and push REALLY REALLY HARD and oh man, the pain, but I just didn't have enough push in me, and had to relax and there goes that damned giant marble back up deep.
Got a little scared now, things are hurting deep inside me now, thinking of the horror of having to go to the Doctor for this, oh no God no...After several more attempts, I finally go with all I got. Pushing with everything I have, beginning to grunt, feeling the blood bursting vessels in my face and eyes, pelvis up, pushing, pushing, OH GOD THE PAIN, NO NO NO, YES YES, FEELING IT GO THROUGH THE MUSCLES OF RESISTANCE, DON'T STOP, OH ALL THAT IS HOLY AND NOT THE PAIN THE PAIN KEEP PUSHING.....AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!
I heard the most hideous unholy non human sound which I still can't believe came out of my mouth from the agony of that marble passing through and out. WHOOOSH!! KLUNK!!! It came out! OH MY GOD WHERE ARE THOSE MUSCLES OF RESISTANCE? There was a feeling of a hose pumping out pudding at a rate a fireman would admire. OH GOD NO PLEASE ANAL MUSCLES PLEASE CLOSE!!! Water turned brown as I began to pass out, I could not stop it, I was dilated like a woman giving birth. I spewed everything my innards had to offer out into the bathwater. My whole body was convulsing uncontrollably and then the door flew open with my Mother and my Wife flying in because of all the noise. Poop still spewing out like Mt. St. Helens, my eyes red from popping blood vessels, body shaking. They just stared as I felt like a water balloon being deflated right before their eyes.
tldr. I can never look at my Mother or Wife in the eyes again.
StarbuckPirate: Dear marble butt: it's all good but do realize extreme strain like this can lead to hemorrhoids, anal fissures, and even heart arrhythmia problems. Try anal beads or something with an emergency cord for immediate release.
Good luck with your butt-hole pleasures.
Ruff_Dog: Calling /u/butthole__pleasures
Butthole__Pleasures: Can confirm. The flange on the bottom of buttplugs is there for a reason.
Ruff_Dog: I summoned /u/butthole__pleasures. What did you do today?
Butthole__Pleasures: Yeah, but you missed the second underscore this time. You're better than that, champ.
Ruff_Dog: Oops, I did. Time for a ninja edit. Thanks /u/Butthole__Pleasures.
Butthole__Pleasures: No problem! Here, have [an autograph](http://i.imgur.com/M3pwrym.jpg) for some reason.
Ruff_Dog: The two hours and thirty-four minutes that I've been up for this wonderful morning have been wonderful due to my man /u/butthole__pleasures. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is the best.
Butthole__Pleasures: Seriously, you are far too kind. I am but a common man who wishes only joy upon the world; I am no celebrity or hero. But I am endlessly glad to brighten your day regardless.
Ruff_Dog: You may not be a celebrity or a hero, but you *must* bring someone great /u/butthole__pleasures.
Someone give this man your anus!
Butthole__Pleasures: As selfish as it may sound, I'm mostly all about my own butthole pleasures. My wife says no anal, so it's pretty much either me or nobody. I'm happy to share my knowledge of such joy, but it all comes from my own extensive experience with masturbatory ass play.
Ruff_Dog: I see. I, as a straight male, have never done anything anally. Either giving, receiving, or to myself. You should ~~start a sub for people looking to get into it.~~ keep being awesome.
Edit: You have two. Scratch that.
Butthole__Pleasures: I have one. Please ignore /r/ButtholeAdvie. That was an alcohol fueled typo in my first attempt at creating the sub.
Ruff_Dog: You can make it private or offer it up to that one sub /r/AdoptAReddit.
Butthole__Pleasures: I would never give up my baby, no matter how retarded it is. But make it private? That's just... or... what... I totally thought of that or something. I swear!
Ruff_Dog: Now you're only the mod of three subs! :D
| 17 | 221.941176 | |
1405716689 | 1405724158 | t3_2b2uph | t5_2to41 | 6 | Scythie: TIFU by leaving our house door wide open for whole day.
I'm on my phone atm so the formatting might be sloppy but here we go:
In the morning, my mom told me that we're going to visit my grandmother today. I was fine with that, she lives only like 50km away and my same aged cousins were there so why the hell not.
So after a while it was time to go, and I checked that the back door was locked, I have everything with me and stuff like that.
At her place (a big house in countyside, my grandpa died two years ago so she lives alone) we talk about general stuff, mow the lawn, you know, some small fixing and so on.
After 10 hours, we arrive back home and I go to unlock our front door. Once I saw it, my jaw dropped as I couldn't believe what I saw. The door was in 'locked' position but ite was wide open, anyone on the street could have walked in and taken away everything which was inside without any effort.
I must have forgotten that I was the last one inside when we left and just left the door wide open thinking my dad was still there. Nobody even checked the door.
Anyways, once I realized what had happened, I rushed inside to see what was stolen. Then my jaw dropped again, I was even more surprised than when I walked to the front door. Not a single thing was stolen, all the computers were in place, tv's, nobody had even gone inside our house. I'm still shocked and in awe of what happened.
TL;DR I left our home's door wide open when we left off for the whole day. Luckily, nothing was stolen.
EDIT: fucked up an adjective
Teotwawki69: Not getting burgled being a surprise all depends on where you live. If it's parts of Canada or the US Mid-West, no big surprise. If it's in Detroit, then it's a fucking miracle.
Scythie: Well, I live in Finland (also should explain my bad grammar at times) in a mid-class family so my fuck up turning out well wasn't that huge of a surprise.
Still, you never know what can happen in a situation like this wherever you live.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405717846 | 1405719957 | t3_2b2wnc | t5_2to41 | 60 | The_Real_Platypus: TIFU flushing my iPod down the Toilet
I was getting ready to leave work when nature called. I'm ready for the weekend to just relax and plan out what needs to get done for the week ahead. I head towards the restroom, find a stall and do my business. As I'm sitting down, my iPod is in my pocket and rubbing up against my leg (it was in those "secret pocket" some jeans have) It's bugging me so I toss it inside my pants and it lands where my underwear it. I'm checking the traffic on my phone, hear of an accident on the freeway I normally take. I spend the next couple of minutes trying to figure out if its worth taking the toll roads or spend an extra hour in traffic. It's almost time to clock out so I tuck my phone away in my pocket, pull up my pants, and that's when I get that sinking feeling of how I just made a huge fucking mistake. I forgot my iPod was in my underwear, and I see it plummet inside the toilet bowl.
I was thinking "If I grab it, maybe I can still save it, maybe it still has a chance, fuck I've had this thing for 8 years it can survive anything. It's just poo water, your poo, just grab it already, but some guy before me took a piss in here and didn't flush, so I'll be touching his piss too." And that's when it happened; before I could decide whether it was worth saving, the toilet automatically flushes, and I see the iPod disappear in 2 seconds. It was gone, in the blink of an eye, the music I collected for close to a decade, just got flushed away.
Edit: For reference, I found the iPod when I was a sophomore in high school. Had it with me all throughout college, military training in Africa, around half a dozen different states, and the one thing that stopped it was a toilet. Maybe this was karma 8 years in the making.
[deleted]: After all your military training and everything you've done you were worried about a little bit of pee pee water?
The_Real_Platypus: I was over thinking it honestly. By the time it plopped in there it was gone in about 2-3 seconds. I was still in the "oh shit" moment when I realized what had happened. The good that came out of all this is that I can get a new iPod now at least.
[deleted]: I hear ya. I've got an old one that went in the wash with the dirty clothes. It still works but it's showing its age. Maybe I should flush it too.
| 4 | 15 | |
1405718971 | 1405805221 | t3_2b2yjk | t5_2to41 | 240 | sviwel: TIFU [x2] having a very common name and being polite by giving my two weeks notice.
**Context:**
- So currently I'm on a very serious job hunt, since I'm going to be a dad for the first time in around 12 weeks.
- I currently earn a shit wage of $8 per/hour as an assistant manager in a big name pizza joint, with 35-42 hours a week.
- I recently got my Bachelor degree from a high regarded university and using this to my advantage in order to get a decent paying job.
- I have a friend who offered me a temporal job as a salesman at a car dealership in the meantime I find a better paying job.
------------------
**The Fuck Up, Numero 1:**
So I've been applying to various places that are related to my field and/or have experience. And behold! I did had only ONE potential employer call me back to arrange an interview. I was excited as fuck, as it was a job '8-to-5 job' with a salary of 45k a year, which is pretty fucking good compared to the rough 11k I earn busting my ass while working up till very late at night.
So potential employer assistant calls back a couple hours later, calling off the interview. I politely ask why and P.E. Ass. tells me that upon further investigation they found some 'dirt' and undesirable traits about me that they don't want for that particular work place. I persuade P.E. ASS. to explain further this, as I have a clean record, and been 100% drug free all of my life. The P.E. Ass. only told me: "Next time be careful of what you post on your social networks" and hung up on me.
I'm astounded, as my FB profile is the only account I own besides this reddit account, and my FB profile has a: Middle Name which I never use, And my mother's maiden last name which I never disclose in legal/serious/professional matters, I don't have my phone number up in there, my FB login email is an email I made exclusively for FB, and most importantly it's 100% private, you can't see its contents unless you're one of my 90+ friends.
So I start backtracing the movements of Potential Employer and double check my CV, and the only information I gave out was: Legal name, Cell phone number, Job seeking Email, work and education history.
So I start looking for myself with this information, and behold! As I type my legal name on the search bar, I find a guy with my same name, and was top selection, since we went to the same high school and not only that but same class year. I go into his profile and indeed, this guy was the stereotypical hispanic in a predominant hispanic culture: Wannabe gangster, tattooed up, shaven head, goofy clothes, and pictures of him smoking a certain green herb drug and numerous bottles of alcohol. A total reject. Now, this made my blood boil as, I figured I was being mistaken. Now, when I came to the U.S. to live (I was born and raised in Mexico) I made a vow to myself of becoming the complete opposite of what the stereotype of the average mexican was, as I taught myself to lose my accent, excelling at school, and being a formidable employee. And here before my eyes, laid my antithesis who ironically enough had my very same name and similar personal information, but with a radically different way of life and philosophy.
And thus, this is how I got raped in the ass by prejudice and social media snooping. They should do a law to prevent this kind of behavior as it will affect people when they're not at fault. I mean, it's not like I can ask this man to take down his profile or change his name, nor point out in my resume my correct FB profile, as this is not professional, nor I get to keep my privacy. It is unfair that due to this situation I have to stay within a shit-paying job, and not being able to escalate for something higher because my Potential Employers think I'm a good-for-nothing deadbeat gangster who smokes and drinks all day. And I know I'm not the only one in this scenario.
**Fuck Up Nummer Zwei:**
So, I have a friend who knows about my situation and decided to help me. He is a manager at a Big Name Car Dealership, and decided to get me into the business, as car sales man can potentially earn around 60k+ a year. He told me that his first year me made 75k+ and got me hooked up. I told him that I wasn't too sure since I'm a pretty straight forward person and would feel like shit about lying to make a sale. I mean I would totally lie if it provides for my family, but I wouldn't be too happy. So my friend told me: "Here's what, you work for me until you get another job, or if you like it you can stay no hard feelings either choice."
So I end up putting a two-weeks notice at my current job, and since my General manager likes my work so much, he asked me to work part-time for him as a driver (not manager), specially since we need more employees as of right now. I accept since I consider him a good friend and like him as a boss.
A week passes by and I got a call from the dealership's HR dept.
HR: Hey, is this Sviwel?
Me: Yes, how can I help you?
HR: You recently submitted and application to us and listed Redditor's Pizza as your current employer and your current job title as an Asst. Manager?
Me: Yes sir, that is correct!
HR: So I just called the store and they indeed corroborated that you're an employee, but they told me that you are a driver.
Me: That must be a misunderstanding sir, as I currently serve as an Assistant manager.
HR: Well I spoke to the manager in charge and told me otherwise, I'm afraid we can't hire you due to claiming false past job history, have a nice day.
Me: Same...
So as my blood was boiling hotter than Satan's brew, I called the store to find out what happened:
New Asst. Manager: Thank you for calling Redditor's Pizza
Me: New Asst. Manager, is this you?
NAM: Yes, sviwel!
Me: Did you just received a call from a HR office asking about my job history?
NAM: Yes!
Me: Did you tell them I wasn't a manager and told them I was a driver instead?
NAM: Well, they asked me what position you currently held and told them you were a driver, GM just demoted you, right?
Me: Not really, I'm still a manager, next week I'll be driving just to help you guys out, did you tell the HR guy that I was an Asst. Manager at least?
NAM: No, he didn't ask.
Me: ... , Thank you..
So basically I was barely healing from the last job rape I had when I had this drop on me. In a few words, I lost another job opportunity because I decided to demote myself in order to help the store I currently work. HR calls current job and is given wrong info.
Basically, fuck my current week. Fuck this shit. The only thing that brings a smile to my face is the fact I'm having a beautiful but not planned baby with my fiancée of 8 years. But at the same time I'm worried that I can't get a better paying job, and now I'm stuck as a part-time driver in a pizzeria.
If you made it this far, I thank you. May the force be with you
PD: Yeah, I called my dealership friend and told him what happened, he told me he will speak to HR about it and see what will happen.
Reanimationed: Wait. What? No. NO. NO. NO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO.
You march back to place #1 and you SHOW YOUR FACE! bring a print out of the person who they mistook you for and PROVE that it is not you! This is another good reason to include a photo on your CV/Resume.
DO NOT LET THIS SITUATION STEAL A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FROM YOU! BULLDOG IT!
sviwel: Although I appreciate your response there's certain reasons that prevent me so.
The first one being:
-It is a city gov't job, I don't know where HR offices are.
-Unfortunately by now must be filled as the listing disappeared from the website.
- In the American CV is highly unrecommended to include a picture of yourself under the premise to prevent the potential employer of disregarding you in basis of appearance. In the European version they encourage a picture,
But thanks for your wishes my good fellow.
abolish_karma: > prevent the potential employer of disregarding you in basis of appearance
Seems like they DID this by not having a picture there.
| 4 | 60 | |
1405716563 | 1405875065 | t3_2b2uik | t5_2to41 | 22 | GregorTheCyber: TIFU By sitting with my legs crossed
Today, I graduated for the last time from Aviation Challenge (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aviation_Challenge).
It was my last year at the camp, and I was very bittersweet. I follow my crew trainer to my seat, and wait for my turn to be called up. Following the instructions given, I cross my legs on the floor and wait.
I hear my crew trainer yell "Falcons on your Feet!". "Yes, Sir", my team replies. At this point, I have an OH SHIT moment. My leg fell asleep. Bad. Stumbling around in front of all my family, my leg buckles under. Here I am, sprawled out on the floor in front of the entire staff, trainees, and parents, yelling for help.
TLDR: My leg fell asleep. At Graduation, I then stumbled around like a retard. Nice job, Gregor The Cyber.
powfuldragon: how was aviation challenge?
GregorTheCyber: Great. Sad I can't go anymore (Too Old), but it's great.
powfuldragon: what kinda stuff do you do there?
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1405716439 | 1405728393 | t3_2b2u9r | t5_2to41 | 10 | herkaburger: TIFU By trying to clean my house.
I was cleaning the back side of my house for my mom, just to help out, you know, doing stuff a good son would do. I clean the basement, no problem, start cleaning the backroom/area of the house, and I am on my way to grab the broom to put it back when the the dumbest shit happens.
I guess the son of God himself saw me doing good deeds, and decided I needed a new piercing. I go to walk over to grab this broom, and step on an old piece of wall trim that was blending into my area rug, and I come down full weight and have a small rusty brad/nail go an inch into my foot, which is as far as it could have penetrated.
So, I have this small fucking spear in my foot, and have no idea. All I know is that it hurt, so I lift my foot and look down, and see a piece of wall trim. I'm like "Uh, OK?" I go to pull it off, and lo-and-behold, there's a small rusted Excalibur in my fucking foot, but hey, there's still trim that's connected to the brad, so now I have a kind of wine cork screw thing, shaped like [this](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e5/Korkenzieher_01_KMJ.jpg), in my foot. So I grab on, and twist the sucker out.
Now I am sitting on my couch, with a large marble-sized lump on my foot where this hole is, and I can't walk on it for dick, and it burns.
Good thing I had a Tetanus shot four years ago...
inaco: That shit will get infected
herkaburger: I fucking hope not. I washed the fucker twice, and gave my foot a peroxide bath just before putting lotion on my foot. So, i'm hoping it goes well.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405720072 | 1405777526 | t3_2b30dl | t5_2to41 | 9 | thebig0225: TIFU by splashing a baby
I was at a BBQ with my friend and his dad brought his baby. We were in the pool with the baby and the we were playing with the baby. My friend that wasn't holding the baby was splashing me. Then I splash him back, but it didn't go in the direction I wanted. Soon the baby saw a fierce powerful tidlewave of death coming right towards here. Her face when she got hit was like a dogs when it runs into a wall that has a laser on it.
after everyone called me stupid. The next day (to be exact today) my friend calls me and says her sister has an infection, I haven't heard from hi. Since and I feel like a jackass. But it dawns on me it wasn't my fault because she flipped over in her tube and mabye that's how she got it, but I now know that his dad hates me as much as he can and there's nothing I can do about it.
sharksnax: The baby got an infection from the pool water? If that's the case, then the baby shouldn't have been in the pool in the first place. Yes, it was a stupid thing to do, but it was also an accident. Parents will be protective of their children, maybe you should give the family time to cool down and then send the baby a get well basket and give your friend and his/her dad a heartfelt appology.
thebig0225: Yes it was green
krypter3: Mate, not even your fault. If the pool water was green, parents shouldn't have let it in there. It's on the parents bro.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1405724001 | 1405780429 | t3_2b36bl | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ansung: TIFU by making dinner
Not today, but Thursday (28ish hours ago).
I decided to make something I haven't had in a long time - oatmeal. It's simple, right? Heat up milk, add sugar, oatmeal and wait. Well, apparently not so much for me.
I spent most of the day ironing, so I wanted to chill at the computer and cook the aforementioned oatmeal. Before I say anything else, keep in mind that the kitchen and the PC-room are on diametrically opposite ends of the apartment (family house), and there are two doors. The kitchen/living room door is almost always open, while the PC-room door is always closed.
So, I poured cold milk into the pot, added sugar, oatmeal and set it up on lowest heat. And then I went to Reddit. 10ish minutes later, I get up, open the door and see a smoke cloud. Welp, time to dash to the kitchen (which was just a bigger cloud of smoke).
Fast forward couple of minutes. Another pot is ruined. No dinner. Smoke is everywhere. Even though all doors and windows are open, and there's some wind, it takes forever to clear up. Oh, and the Sun's going down, which means it's time for the Invasion of the Flying Bloodsuckers. (I hate them.) There was a lemon-scented air freshener... Let me tell you, smoke and lemons don't mix well.
I can still smell smoke if I try a bit.
TL;DR: Attempted arson by cooking dinner and flying bloodsuckers feasted on me.
FreakThoughts: Sounds like you live in Louisiana, lol
Ansung: Not even the same continent. :) cross the Atlantic, actually. I'm from Croatia. Those tiger mosquitoes migrated here a couple of years ago and they are awful.
| 3 | 1 | |
1405728859 | 1405963694 | t3_2b3d9m | t5_2to41 | 836 | SidenoteGoulash: TIFU by Wanking on a First Date
So I've kinda had it in for this girl for a long time, but I never confessed it until she came to me first and said she had a huge crush on me. We had both flirted like crazy beforehand, but now we were getting serious. We jumped into a relationship and I couldn't have been happier. Then I fucked up our first date.
We went to this great bistro downtown. Very fancy, very date-night appropriate. The kind you get suited up and make a reservation for. I meet her there and she is stunning. I actually had to pick my jaw up off the ground. She had on a gorgeous dress that showed off her flawless long legs and, since I couldn't resist a simple glance, showed just a small, teasing amount of (awesome) cleavage.
So we sit down, talk and just kinda laugh about nothing. It's going good. But we're both painfully awkward so it resorted to us just laughing at the tablecloth after awhile and holding hands and sneaking a glance at each other every few moments. It was silly, but romantic and cute in a way.
I had a very minor cold (that I was able to stifle in her presence) but the medicine I took a few hours prior was starting to get to me. Cold meds make me really groggy and disorientated. I have trouble focusing a few hours after taking them. So after a while I was just kinda sitting there, head sloping a bit, smiling a little as I tried to stay awake. My eyes darted to her cleavage a bit, and groggy me got a bit horny. And it was perfect cleavage, the kind you only see on Google Images. I guess some part of me thought I was at home looking up pictures of tits to wank off to, because I soon found my hand rubbing my tip through my pants. It must have been pretty obvious, because she looked at me, appalled and horrified. She scrunched her brow at me, then walked out. It was a huge scene, I guess, because I saw most of the patrons in the restaurant staring at me.
So yeah, I fucked up royally.
TL;DR: I started jerking off to my date's tits in public while drowsy from cold medicine.
trampabroad: Wow. That's one of those TIFU's where the explanation is almost as bad as the appearance.
"Sorry baby, in my drug induced stupor I thought I was at home masturbating to online pornography. It was just my autopilot."
This dude wins TIFU.
GameOnDevin: STOP YELLING AT ME, IM ON AUTOPILOT DAMMIT.
Not_the_OPfag: OH YOUR ON AUTOPILOT, MORE LIKE AUTOZOMBIE
[deleted]: OR, [ZOMBIE AUTOPILOT](http://youtu.be/gYKlEPrGTpg)
Manimality: I love you
[deleted]: I ... like you too.
spottedmusic: i'm dying :D
| 8 | 104.5 | |
1405719526 | 1405973260 | t3_2b2zhv | t5_2to41 | 9 | DarlingDestruction: TIFU by bringing my potted house plant back inside
A couple weeks ago, I noticed that one of my house plants was withering away. I decided that some natural air and rain might do it some good, so I put it out on the steps of my front porch.
As of today it is doing well enough that I figured I could bring it back inside, I just needed to find a sunnier spot for it to sit. Well, I found a good spot, nestled it in, and forgot about it until watering time, which was about an hour ago. This is when I realized that I fucked up.
While watering it, I noticed a weird dirt clod on one of the leaves. It looked like a peanut made out of dried mud. I plucked it off (it was really stuck on there), and noticed a couple holes on the underside of it. While looking at it, I kept thinking how familiar this thing looked for some reason, I just couldn't pinpoint exactly why it was familiar. So I broke it open.
WASPS. Fucking WASPS. I forgot to check the plant for anything that may have decided to call it home in the couple of weeks it was outside.
Now I have small wasps all over my house. My cats are loving it, but I am not. Every time I notice that a cat has one cornered, I smoosh it, which makes the cat sad, and makes me feel bad, but fucking wasps.
greenzeppelin: Sorry, I know this is an old reply, but I'm looking through Saturday's posts for the stories that are now restricted to that day.
Any-who! The wasps that live in mud are called mud daubers, and are actually docile and rarely sting people. So much to the point that you can destroy one of their nests, as you did, and not get viciously assaulted. The nests you want to watch out for are the thin and papery ones. For they are homes to the aggressive, hate filled creatures of evil that will sting you for so much as eyeing up their home.
DarlingDestruction: Oh wow, I had no idea there was a difference. That's good to know, thank you! That explains why my cats weren't getting attacked by all the wasps they kept swatting at. Now I feel bad for killing them all, though. :c
| 3 | 3 | |
1405730788 | 1405762621 | t3_2b3fxj | t5_2to41 | 6 | adre76: TIFU by slapping a spider
So, I was asleep after an all-nighter and felt something move across my cheek. Sleep-drunk as I was, and assuming it was a fly I proceeded to slap said bug in an attempt to either kill it, or make it go away. It turns out the little fucker was actually a spider full of little hellish minions which then proceeded to invade my face and my bed.
tl;dr - slaped a "fly", was actually a pregnant spider
salk80: Spiders are spawns of the Devil that create more spider spawns just to spite us. They must be eliminated.
MagicSkittlez: Like those damned mosquitos! The little bastards like to fly in your ear while you sleep!
| 3 | 2 | |
1405730041 | 1405752743 | t3_2b3ex0 | t5_2to41 | 7 | crisothetank: TIFU by watching a clip from the news on reddit
American cops putting a black man in a choke hold until they killed him? Wtf is that? He had no weapons or anything on him, they jumped on him, he said 'I can't breathe' SIX times, then when he stopped moving they finally got off him, and started saying 'he's okay' when he's lying on the floor completely motionless. The guy was only 43, father of 6, and he's now dead because he was murdered in broad daylight. WHAT?
This honestly ruined my day. I felt sick the whole day thinking of that family who lost a husband & father, for some reason it hit me hard because he was actually pleading his innocence in the first part of the clip. He seemed completely harmless, why did they do that? And if he is outnumbered 6 to 1, is it really necessary to get him in a choke hold and push his head into the floor until he is literally dead? This left a bad taste in my mouth, I can't even sleep.
I won't click on clips again on Reddit.
[deleted]: European here, genuine question but why does this type of situation seem to happen a lot more in America than Europe?
suburban_rhythm: I think it just gets *reported* much more often in the US. News in other parts of the world typically have bigger fish to fry.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1405729422 | 1405757907 | t3_2b3e20 | t5_2to41 | 154 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my Hitachi Magic Wand (NSFW)
This happened a few weeks ago while on vacation with my husband and young kids. My husband and I have been married for about 15 years now, and while we have a pretty fantastic sex life our schedules don't always mesh because he works a shitload of hours. Now that we're on vacation, I'm thinking we're free to fuck as many times as possible since work constraints aren't limiting us. YES!!!!
To celebrate this occasion, we head on over to the local adult store and purchase a Hitachi Magic Wand. Now, I'm no stranger to using vibrators. I have several of them, use them frequently, and consider myself very capable of wielding a vibe for my pleasure. I do have to admit that I was a *teeny* bit intimidated by my new toy because I've read so much about how powerful they are. I'm experienced, so I figure I can handle it just fine.
The other piece of information that is germane to this story is that for whatever reason one of my husbands testicles goes up into his body. It only happens occasionally. No big deal, he just pushes it down and everything is fine.
Fast forward to about 9pm. The kids are all sound asleep and we're ready to get busy. We've got the towel down, the lube ready, foreplay started, and things are getting really hot. Anal is pretty much a regular event for us, but this evening we decide to switch it up a bit and do reverse cowgirl anal. We've never done that position before, but it was fucking fantastic and I was going insane with pleasure. We both were. Realizing I could add to my pleasure by using the wand on my clit, I plug that badboy in and go to town.
If you've never used a Magic Wand before you should know that they are huge. The working end of it has a 2-inch diameter head and the handle is really long. The entire thing is big and awkward to maneuver, especially when you're bouncing up and down with a cock in your ass and slowly losing the ability to think straight.
The vibrating power of the wand on "low" is intense, and on "high" it is unbelievably intense. Feeling great on low, I switch it over to high and put it right on my sweet spot. At this point I'm rocking forward and back and quickly making my way to the most intense orgasm I've had in years. I was also totally focused on my pleasure and pretty much forgot about what was happening with my husband.
Apparently, in my quest for hitting just the right spot I accidentally moved the huge head of the wand a little too far down. Right into my husbands balls. It was his scream that startled me from my euphoria and his howling of "get it off my balls!" that made me realize his balls were trapped between him, me, and the wand, and that they were being pummeled by this monster vibe.
Well, in my attempts to get myself away from his balls I move in such a way that (unbeknownst to me at the time) accidentally pushed his testicle up. I was still somewhat in my rocking back and forth motion and, unfortunately for my husband, happened to synchronize my forward rocking in tune to his ball moving up. Then I rocked back down again.
Right onto his testicle.
It was the second scream that alerted me to the severity of the situation. The next few seconds were kind of a blur to me, as I went from being in a state of impending orgasm to one of wondering what the fuck just happened. I was off his cock, Hitachi thrown to the bed, and with the realization that my near earth-shattering orgasm was not going to happen.
Luckily for him, my ass bone didn't hit his testicle. Only the ample cushion of my ass collided with it. His ball was still in one piece and we breathed a collective sigh of relief that more damage wasn't done. Needless to say, his erection was gone and with it both our chances at an incredible orgasm.
TL;DR: pummeled balls and sat on testicle, no orgasms had.
PM_Me_UR_Happy_Face: Pics or it didn't happen
coool12121212: Ask your mom
BILife: [Ouch, have mercy next time] (http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/06/supa-hot-fire.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/CrazyFrequentFlycatcher](http://gfycat.com/CrazyFrequentFlycatcher)
---
^(GIF size: 1.37 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:245.28 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 5 | 30.8 | |
1405731893 | 1405902139 | t3_2b3hey | t5_2to41 | 140 | accgoprotlt4212: TIFU by sending a cute girl a Gopro video that showed too much
I am the owner of a Gopro cam. I don't usee it for the spectacular uses it is advertised for. I sometimes record rides in my bicycle, sometimes i just use it to document long walks across the town. Today I decided to go to the other end of the town - an area I have never been to before - and to walk back home from there for four hours. When I came back home I started to chat with a really cute girl. I gold her about the area I had been to and she wanted to know more about that place so i just sent her the video the gopro i had been wearing on my head made.
It was only after I had sent her the link to my video that i started to wonder why there were not two video files. I went to the bathroom at some point and turned the camera of for that. Did i not turn it on again? What had happened was far more terrifying. I had never turned the camera of. It recorded everything. I had sent the whole video to this girl. Irritated by that thought, I watched the video. 30 minutes in it shows me heading towards the bathroom. I had to poop with urgency. It shows me as i entered a cubicle, pulled down my pants and sat down. I made some noises and fidgeted on the toilet as a hard and large piece was slowly comming out. At some point i looked between my legs into the bowl to see it hanging out of me. I gave it a strong push and it finally exited me. This first round was followed by more stuff that exited with force. I was sitting on the toilet for 10 minutes in which i had an intensive bowel movement. There was also a mirror in the room that showed me from another perspective.
The girl I sent the video to will watch it at some point, probably now. Of course I tried to delete it but it just didn't work now and it may be too late anyway. Today, I made a girl watch me poop and she will likely be irritated.
accgoprotlt4212: **Update:** She watched the video immediately after I sent her the link. Although she skipped through it she managed to jump directly to the part where I was walking to the bathroom. From that point she watched it fully. She sent me a detailled review and thinking that it's funny sends me messages like this one
>*(Her): I'm actually impressed by the volume and size. How did you get this result?*
>*(Me): Do you think thats funny?*
>*(Her): Quoting you "Hngh. -looks down- Bowl closeup- SPLASH" Yes it is.*
>*(Me): You're a creep.*
>*(Her): You are the first boy I got to watch taking a dump. I've totally accidentially walked in on others before but they wouldn't let me watch.*
She says that she has saved that video sequence and that she will watch it again
later. For those wondering why i couldn't simply delete the video upon noticing my mistake: I'm using my own media server that consists of a one platine computer and a hard drive. I made it so that any files can be submitted to it with just knowing its adress. Managing content is not possible by remote. I've originally installed this solution for beeing able to easily save data that I've collected. When I got home, I would further organise the saves data. Unfortunately, I moved this server from my home to another place a few weeks ago so I couldn't even pull the plug.
PM_ME_YOUR_MICROWAVE: Marry this woman.
accgoprotlt4212: She's very cute and I'll be seeing her somewhen later, but the thought that she saw me taking a dump is somewhat embarassing. I'm also a bit irritated that she saved the video. Is she now watching me poop in a loop the whole day?
PM_ME_YOUR_MICROWAVE: Maybe she has a shit fetish. If so, you're an angel sent from God in her eyes.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: It's only smellz
| 6 | 23.333333 | |
1405732802 | 1405828602 | t3_2b3iq5 | t5_2to41 | 138 | [deleted]: TIFU by spending time making a collage of my boobs for my bf
Final Update: Upon my bf's request, I deleted the boob collage link, as well as our text convo when I revealed to him that I posted my boobs online. At first he didn't know what to think, but figured it was okay since I'm anonymous. However, now he insists that he feels extremely uncomfortable with his "girlfriend's tits being ogled at by random fucks." Understandable.
----
I spent hours playing with color filters for a picture of my boobs that my bf liked. I put them together to make a collage. I was hoping he'd enjoy the combination of my boobs and artwork.
After I sent it to him, he simply replied "Wtf."
Edit: Based on the comments from kind-hearted people who have tried to convince me to doubt my sense of judgement, TIL that I will always continue to fuck up.
Update: alright, I told him. He wasn't happy about it but at least I got it off my chest.
Manfrenjensenjen: He's bound to feel better now that Reddit has seen them.
Otherusername4NSFW: He says he doesn't use Reddit. I'm actually considering showing him because now I feel a little guilty.
Entity101: I'd be pretty choked if my gf showed off her tits to the Internet.
Otherusername4NSFW: Okay, thanks for the honest input. I won't tell him.
Edit: ok, I'll tell him, guys. You win.
coool12121212: Wtf? No! Tell him! That's kind of fucked. He deserves to know that you showed your boobs off to people other then him!
Otherusername4NSFW: Hmm he's kinda a sensitive person. I'd prefer to avoid drama. I posted this for these reasons:
*To reassure myself that my collage wasn't THAT weird like my bf said (I felt frustrated)
*To feel good about my amateur graphic art which I spent a lot of time on.
Maybe I'll casually bring it up when I see him next. Regardless, I see this as art, not porn.
ghost_warlock: Maybe I'm weird, but it seems to me that they're your tits to do with as you please. It's not like you didn't share this with him first. Really, tits in real life are worth more than millions of pictures of tits on the internet, funky filters or no.
Edit: Maybe you should date someone who's more into art. For instance, Neil Gaiman doesn't give two shits that half the known world has seen his wife's (Amanda Palmer) tits.
Otherusername4NSFW: I think the picture just caught him off guard.
And thank you. You know what's sexist? That if I guy posts his dick somewhere on the internet, no one cares; but if it's a girl's boobs, people start slut-shaming.
5ft4masterrace: I dunno, if my girlfriend got pissed at me for sharing dickpics I would get it. Hell, I'd expect it.
Otherusername4NSFW: By slut-shaming, I mean by strangers on the internet other than my bf. I'll mention it to him, guys. Don't worry.
5ft4masterrace: I think you're jumping the sexism-gun there, too. Boobs are appreciated on the internet (see /r/gonewild for example). It's just in the context of a relationship that it becomes an issue. You'd probably get more defense than a guy in this situation, if only because people love boobs.
Otherusername4NSFW: Fair point. Well, see my update in the original post.
5ft4masterrace: Aha well I'm glad he took it so well
| 14 | 9.857143 | |
1405734041 | 1405735743 | t3_2b3kgn | t5_2to41 | 40 | Lambawamba: TIFU by rubbing what I thought was aloe vera on my wife and me.
So my wife was cooking some popcorn on the stove and ended up burning her thumb. With her burn making her rage, she demanded that I go in the backyard and grab a chunk of the aloe vera plant that was there. I at first said no because I knew her burn would go away in a little but she was very upset so I decided to get some. While cutting it I noticed it being more firm and hard than what I had seen in photos but decided, "what the fuck do I know about aloe vera plants?". This decision would be the end of us. After squeezing the plants liquid on each of our hands, having it drip down our arms, I noticed I started to itch very **VERY** badly. Thats when it hit me that this was either not aloe vera or we had a very bad plant allergy. The itch became a burn and the burn was turning red. Eventually my wifes arms and thumbs started to feel the same.
So now we are not as itchy as before, it took maybe 2 hours to die down. But the pain was bad.
I have learned to not squeeze random plant liquids on my arm again.
**TLDR** Wife burned thumb, squeezed plant on our hands, I think we are allergic to plant, motherfuckin plants man.
King_Of_Uranus: So... your wife burns her thumb and all of a sudden you both have to rub aloe all over ur arms? Lolwut
Lambawamba: The juice from this plant was running down our arms while I tried to juice it on her thumb and it most definitely was not aloe vera. At least I think.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1405736425 | 1405739046 | t3_2b3nr4 | t5_2to41 | 102 | obvious-throwaway67: TIFU by cumming discreetly on the floor (obviously NSFW)
My girlfriend and I have been dating for less than a month and we're both juniors in high school, so we haven't gotten farther than second base yet. Today, I was spending the day at her house. Since her mom is pretty protective, we only could sit in her room with the door open and her mom in the living room a few seconds away. For most of the day, we only snuck in the occasional kiss. However, eventually her mom left for a few minutes to run some errands and trusted the house to us for a bit. Of course, we spent those few minutes making out almost continuously, partially since they both were leaving for a vacation when her mom got back. Things got pretty heated, hands wandered and we ended up pressed up against each other in the living room, standing up making out for about ten minutes. She was pressed up against me very closely, and I could feel every curve of her body. She started moving her hips, and I started losing control after a handful of minutes. I could tell I was about to cum (I'm sixteen, I can't help it. I'm surprised i lasted that long. She was really getting into it), but there was nothing I could do about it. Little did I know, all my boxer-briefs happened to be dirty that day. I had worn instead some sleeping shorts, which are like baggier boxers, and shorts. It was a straight shot from my dick down to the floor. Anyway, I soon felt a drip on my foot. Then again, and I heard an audible but quiet splishing noise. I looked down, and realized what was happening. I think my response was somewhere between "Shit!" and "What the fuck??!!". It was all over my bare left foot and the hardwood floor. I went into full panic mode, since I knew there was no getting out of it. I pulled away from her, knowing she would freak out. Amazingly, she didn't see any of it, even though she looked down, the room was well-lit, and she was wearing contacts. I ignored her repeated questions and tried to caress her to shut her up in a desperate attempt to somehow salvage the situation. It didn't work, but her mom chose that moment to walk in. God, I was scared. Between the two of them, someone would notice. I excused myself to the bathroom and wiped it off my foot. When I came out, I happily realized they had turned off all the lights, since they were already packed and all. I mumbled something to her mom about spilling water on the floor, and asked for a paper towel. She gave me one, and told me not worry about it, and turned on the light. I found it all and mopped it up before she could get too close. We left and all and I told my girlfriend I had stepped on a puddle of water. She didn't buy it, since I stepped away from her while we were going at it, looked at the floor and swore a bunch for a few minutes, then didn't tell her. If she asks again I have no idea what to make up.
TL;DR I found out what you get when you cross loose boxers and a frisky girlfriend. It's not good.
TheNinjrKillr: Omg such a good save, though.
obvious-throwaway67: I feel so fucking lucky.
Ahhhhh shit she's asking about it what the fuck do I say
TheNinjrKillr: Say it was water and you were swearing and shit because you forgot to do something really important
obvious-throwaway67: She didn't see it. I think I'm gonna say I got too excited and had to take a breather
TheNinjrKillr: Then again, if you can tell her in such a way that her mom doesn't find out, and you believe she won't tell her mom - honesty *might* be the best policy. If she thinks you're lying to her, it ~~might~~ probably will cause issues later on in the relationship.
| 6 | 17 | |
1405736513 | 1405782184 | t3_2b3nvf | t5_2to41 | 37 | HollandGW215: TIFU: My sister saw all my pictures I send to my boyfriend and post to gonewild
Sooo my sister lost her phone and has been using my ipod touch to send and receive messages. Anyways, I can read all of her text messages but I didnt think that she could see my photos when they synced to the cloud. She is working at a summer so she has limited internet connectivity. I found out she can see all my photos when she called me today and the last 30 seconds of the convo went like this:
Sister: So anyways, I got to go. I love you. Oh, and...by the way. Everytime I connect to the internet...I can see all the pictures you have taken.
Me: Every....picture...?
Sister: Yup....every...single....one.
fullmarksdemello: I can't figure out what she hoped to achieve by telling you that.
HollandGW215: for me to stop.
fullmarksdemello: She has no phone, you're helping her out by giving her a phone so she can stay connected, but *you* have to be inconvenienced and stop taking pictures?
Why can't she stop going through your shit?
HollandGW215: I mean it's not like she went through then. She'd just connect to the internet and be like "Woh wtf" as she sees 100s of nude or kinky photos sync
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1405738050 | 1405742435 | t3_2b3pyn | t5_2to41 | 7 | sleno9: TIFU by not having found a place to live
Well.. I've sort of been wanting to contribute here too, except I didn't think it would go like this. So here it goes.
Last month, I've started my journey to travel/work in Melbourne. I am on a one year visa and i'm basically not allowed to work more than 2x 6 months (need to have different employers).
Since I haven't found a place yet, I was allowed to stay at this place that is owned by my dad's former classmate. They would go on a holiday and I was given time to look for something myself.
A week before I arrived here, I received an email from this guy who was renting out a place that I had applied to. He was working in China for some non-profit stuff, helping children and whatnot and he thought I was suitable so it was all going dandy for me. That's when shit started to hit the fan.
By sending him money through Western Union I was able to pay a month rent and a deposit, so it seemed okay. He was very communicative and it was all good. All he had to do was send the package with the keys and the documents to me. He is currently staying in KunMing with his wife and so I am not sure how the situation is there, but he tried to send it through DHL first. Because he was late on that, I had to change the address, which delayed the postal even longer. Just when I thought he had sent it out, apparently DHL decided to send it to AUSTRIA. Well.. obviously it had to be send back to him, only to forward it to me after. We had to go through so much trouble (and through an agent as well) that we decided it was better to go through FedEx directly. After 4 weeks, the package still hasn't arrived.
Mind you, for each and every process, I had to pay money for delivery, deposit, insurance and whatnot. In addition, his colleague had a car accident and had to get operated on, which I helped finance a bit. In total I have currently lost $5000.
Last known location, the package was in Sydney. How, I don't really know. It was supposed to arrive yesterday, but it didn't. No sign of it. Now the owners are coming back and I was asked to move out, by tomorrow.
I have no place to go and no more money to spend.
Reddit, I have fucked up badly by relying on this one guy to hit me up.
rhgla: BS, because nobody's that stupid!
toughands: I hope so, but I worked with an Irish guy in Sydney who was pretty deep into this scam when he told me about this awesome place he was going to get.
rhgla: "A fool and his money are soon parted."
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1405735709 | 1405740213 | t3_2b3mrn | t5_2to41 | 15 | Dreamydory: TIFU by accidentally broadcasting my SO's and my fight.
This actually happened earlier today...
So, background: I have two sisters who I can and have bitched to about the (admittedly rare) times that my SO of nearly two years and I fight, or when he majorly hurts my feelings (also rare).
So for the last few days, my SO and I have been arguing, but still communicating civilly, and yesterday was my dad's birthday, and so I also was upset that he didn't wish my dad a HBD, even after the reminder.
Today, I did what he'd been asking me to (which was behind the argument in the first place) even though I was annoyed, but decided I'd do it anyway, for our sake. SO got upset about it, causing me to go bitch to my sisters for a bit. I have a texting thread that starts with their names and shows up in my phone as **[Sister1][Sister2]...** When I go to my messages.
HOWEVER, I'd forgotten that earlier in the week, I'd sent out a mass message (something I never do) to my aunts, cousins, and grandparents about a surprise party for another family member, also starting off with **[Sister1][Sister2]...**
As you can guess, I sent out a mass message bitching about my SO and this current fight to everyone in my family, complete with several quotes and bad language. This is made worse by the fact that my parents and sisters are the only one who have met my SO. NOT to mention my grandparents and Aunts can be very righteous at times, and get *super* offended whenever anyone even says the word "butt".
I caught this about 20 minutes after the fact, when I'd already sent several long messages detailing all the stupidity of the argument plus more swearing, and one aunt replied, "?!" Quickly sent a "Disregard, and delete all messages gotten from me today. They were NOT for you." message to all, and briefly wondered if it was possible to make people's phones self destruct from a distance.
Damage is already done though. It doesn't help that they haven't heard much about my SO due to my being a private person with a big nosy family, so this is 100% certain to make them think badly of SO for the next 10 years. Shit.
My SO was supposed to come over this year and spend Christmas with my family and meet my extended family. I kind of don't want him to now because I know they'll give him hell. I'm also going to catch a LOT of flack next week at a family get together, and hopefully, none of them will call my parents, who were the main subject of the argument...
However, on a good note, the argument was resolved, and SO and I are as awesome as ever, hah.
TL;DR: Other people's phones need to be able to self-destruct at my command.
bethlv5270: We're watching you!
Dreamydory: Hello NSA watch list... >.>
| 3 | 5 | |
1405739986 | 1406226749 | t3_2b3si0 | t5_2to41 | 906 | Throooowaway12: TIFU by having sex that was too rough
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
Friday night I had a really shitty night at work. I'm a server at a high end restaurant in one if the worst cities in America. The tippers here are either really good or really bad. Most of them are really bad. (Please tip your servers we only make $2.13 an hour!!) anyways, start my night out by having this 3top. That's 3 people at a table. It's happy hour so they are ordering all the martinis they can. Their bill is up to $100 in $5 happy hour drinks. One orders chicken pasta, another orders surf and turf and another orders two lobster tails. They left me a dollar. One dollar. On a check that was $250. I was so mad. So I had an awful night at work and decided to go to my friends work which is a ghetto steakhouse down the street. I walked into his work and just screamed "WE NEED TO GO DOWNTOWN" he says ok I help him clean and we go. While we are down there I'm just getting as drunk as possible cuz my friend said he'd take me home. He's gay so staying the night with him happens a lot. Anyways, he runs into his friend. Let's call his friend "Tim". Tim is this guy who I could have sworn was gay. He's beautiful, has an amazing fashion sense, expensive boots, has stances that I see my friend in all the time. Ok so here is where I fucked up.
We were sitting outside. I'm almost blacked out at this point and I look at them (thinking they were tryna hook up with each other) and say "I need to get laid it's been since February and this sexual tension I have with myself is unacceptable". Well Tim looks at me and says "I can help". I was completely amazed. Here I thought this beautiful man was gay but nope. No he is not gay at all. So I end up going over there and doing the deed. It was complete rough drunk hate fucking. Just what I needed. So after the fct my friend hears us yellin eat each other and decides to come in the room to make sure I'm okay. I was okay but I accidentally punched him which caused it to be rougher and me screaming for my life. I jumped up when he opened the door. He looked like a savior. The sex was great but it was too rough. I tell Tim goodnight give him my number and tell him I'll text him when I get off work tomorrow. So I woke up that morning went to work and then texted him. Met up at the same bar. Got even more drunk and did it again. This time when I woke up I couldn't walk. There was something seriously wrong. I could just feel it. I've never been in pain like this after sex before. I just kinda brush it off kiss him and go home because I had to work again. Monday rolls around and he wants to hang out again. I am tired from working a double and just don't feel like leaving my house after. He moved to charleston on Thursday morning so I knew I had to hang out with him before he left. So I go out with him for a drink on Tuesday but left ight after because I worked the next day. I went out again Wednesday cuz he was like OMG last night here pls pls pls. I'm still in a bunch of pain. I seriously feel like my vagina is broken. It's like. Not okay. I go out anyways. I worked a double Thursday. I told him I had to be home by midnight so I couldn't stay withn him. Yeah right. He gets me super wasted and I go back with him. Sex was not an option. I told him I can't because I have to go to sleep. He said okay he's just glad he can have one more night to cuddle whatever. So the next morning he leave. I work Thursday. I wake up this morning with this super pain. It's been there all week but it was really bad this morning so I went to the hospital. I told them what happened. Super embarrassing. They took a look and told me my vaginal wall has 3 rips and is a little bit prolapsed but not enough for it to not fix itself. So here I am now. Sauced out of my mind. With a broken vagina. For nothing.
TLDR; fucked this guy and he broke my vagina
Edit: sorry for the terrible writing structure lol
[deleted]: Are you sleeping with the hulk ?
drunkfathobbit69: [HULK SMASH!!!!!! NSFW](http://imgur.com/r/NSFW_GIF/R9P8pBT)
AppleSponge: dude
tprice1020: My thoughts exactly
untrappedpotential: what the actual fuck
ssoass7: Now I'm definitely not clicking
Username__Irrelevant: Really not that bad.
safeat99: I actually like it. ;)
ChopStickInMyPeeHole: ;-)
| 10 | 90.6 |
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