start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1405740324 | 1405745168 | t3_2b3swm | t5_2to41 | 4 | vhmfaggot: TIFU by making my unconscious girlfriend give me a handjob.
willybusmc: Nice TL;DR. But how long have you been with her? Cause if ya'll have been together for any considerable amount of time it shouldn't be a problem.
[deleted]: ^ This. If ya'll haven't been together for any considerable amount of time, it's rape.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405740943 | 1405742275 | t3_2b3tr3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | KennyisaG: TIFU by pushing a potential job interview
Now I'm a guy with little to no job experience, sure I've done some major community service in high school but no paper-pushing or sitting at the register. Searching for jobs is pretty tough for someone with no experience, and after bombing a group interview this Thursday I figured I need some time to practice. Ringgity-ring I get a call from a potential employer for that Subway application I filed a week ago. Polite man asks for my name and gives me the date, tomorrow morning. But in my dumb, entitled little mind I ask for a weekday interview, my reason being "it's very personal". Hey "no sweat" I figure, we set a date for next Tuesday, I say my thank you and goodbye. Did I just put my priorities above a future employer? Fuck yes I did, and I've been nail-biting all night, wondering if someone not stupid or inexperienced as me will snag that job and get ahead of life.
colt01234: Don't worry bout it. I just got hired a week ago at my job and I told him in the interview that I got to have a Sunday and Monday off for a procedure. You'll be alright.
KennyisaG: Congrats for getting hired! I didn't explain why I couldn't make it so you had a wider saftey net than I, but thanks for the assurance.
colt01234: Thank ya. If he asks, just he honest with him. Or, come up with a really good excuse, just don't say a relative died or anything.. Nothing good ever comes from that lol. But you'll be alright. Congrats on the interview call.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1405741543 | 1405842281 | t3_2b3uj9 | t5_2to41 | 13 | kingdickqueefs: TIFU by not masturbating for a week (NSFW)
So, due to really bad intrusive thoughts and OCD, I haven't masturbated for the past week - until today. The OCD and intrusive thoughts had me thinking that if I didn't masturbate for an unknown amount of time, something good would happen. Well, today was the nail in the fucking coffin to kick OCD in the ass. If there's a silver lining, it's that.
Our neighbors were coming to visit in about 20 minutes, and everyone in the house was occupied to where I knew I had at least 10 to myself to release. What brought me to this was for the past week I've been on edge as I previously masturbated 1 to 2 times a day, and went to 0. So after my family kept asking me what was wrong, I decided I'd had enough. With company being here, I needed to pull myself together.
So I open an incognito window, and visit the sacred land known as porn hub. It was like being 13 again - everything was marvelous. Any category and a few strokes of my dick would have been enough to reach the oh-so-missed climax I've gotten used to.
Did I mention the longest I've gone without masturbating since I started was about three days?
Well I had always wondered why even when I came really hard, I never came like the guys in the porn videos I watched. If really turned on, I could make a few small ropes, but nothing impressive.
Well... Like I said, any genre and a few dick strokes was all it took -
5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Lift off.
I came so fucking hard, and I had never seen that much cum in my life except for some bukakke videos. Four huge fucking globs of cum shot out of my penis: the hardest hit area was my keyboard - now I have an idea where Microsoft got the technical phrase "sticky keys".
As I said, one huge glob on the keyboard, on my shorts, on the floor, and running down my hand.
I just sat there and laughed my fucking ass off, all the while scrambling around to find a paper towel or something to clean up with. I knew there would be more than normal, but not THIS MUCH.
Thankfully, the keyboard is okay. But with the neighbors arriving soon (I know, perfect timing), I don't know why I couldn't wait a few more hours until bed time after waiting a whole week, who fucking knows.
After a hand wash, a quick change of clothes, and a frantic opening of my keyboard to clean it out, all was right with the world. But very, very, **VERY** poor timing on my part.
**TL;DR:** I had OCD, didn't masturbate for a week, came buckets all over myself 20 minutes before neighbors came over to visit.
kingtoshiro: Surprise cum is the best cum.
kingdickqueefs: Not when you have to frantically wash your hands as the neighbors are walking in your door.
The_Monstees: That's the excitement factor
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1405742081 | 1405746799 | t3_2b3v8d | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying Happy Birthday.
[deleted]: [http://i.imgur.com/onuGD6Q.gif](http://i.imgur.com/onuGD6Q.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/FreshLargeAnnashummingbird](http://gfycat.com/FreshLargeAnnashummingbird)
---
^(GIF size: 4.99 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:627.78 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
Jimmyjim12: What were you hoping to achieve by replying to a gif with the same gif?
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1405741881 | 1405746168 | t3_2b3uzf | t5_2to41 | 30 | W00jie: TIFU By Serving under cooked Chicken.
Today we had a garden party for friends and family, Alot of people turned up and we had a bouncy castle for the kids, tables and chairs out for the friends and family and had a big barbecue on the go.
I decided I was going to be chef and started to cook burgers, sausages and chicken on the barbecue, everything was going great, the kids were running around having fun, the family and friends were eating and drinking and I was getting slowly more drunk as the day went on.
A few hours after some people became a little ill and went inside, But the worst was still to come, later I heard crying from the bouncy castle, 2 of the kids had vomited in the bouncy castle, I rushed over to see now even more kids vomiting in thew bouncy castle and 1 kid had shat himself too,
So their I was faced with what can only be described as a house of horror, by this time all the kids and the Castle were covered in shit and vomit.
The kids were all a little traumatized and refused to come off the bouncy horror show, so I had to crawl onto it to rescue the now terrified kids.
Once all the kids were rescued, I came off myself, literally covered in child vomit and feces, All I could do now was run indoors and jump into the shower, once in thew shower I felt a rumble in my own stomach, and then proceeded to let out what seemed like gallons of liquid shit.
I ended up throwing away my clothes, having to pay for the bouncy castle clean up and spent the rest of the day cleaning out our shower.
TL:DR - I gave everyone food poisoning, got covered in child shit and vomit and then to top it off shat myself too.
directdread23: Could have been easily avoided by simply tempung chicken, better to ivercook then undercook. Did no one see it was undercooked or taste it
W00jie: One word Alcohol, I was a little drunk so were some of the adults there, Also for me its kind of hard to judge how well cooked the chicken was on the Barbecue, it looked cooked on the outside so I served it.
directdread23: always cut at least 2 pieces open, i work as a line cook so i understand the curve for learning when chicken is done. its always best to cut it and check if your unsure, or go do a local store and buy a bio-thermometer. it can save lives when it comes to properly cooked chicke/beef !
W00jie: Well iv learnt my lesson, It cost me a few hundred dollars, 3 friends and a few hours of mental trauma.
| 5 | 6 | |
1405742971 | 1406277702 | t3_2b3wdx | t5_2to41 | 178 | [deleted]: TIFU by washing my face with my sisters vibrator.
About an hour ago I was taking a shower, and noticed my sister had left her neatrogena vibrating facial exfoliator in there. I decided to use it, because its wonderful and clears up my skin nicely. Halfway through, I began to notice an odor. Like, period vagina after a long day and fish. I suddenly realized what I was lathering myself with. Her makeshift vibrator. I threw up in my mouth a little then began washing my face with every antibacterial soap I could find, even surgical hand scrub a couple times. My face is so dry that i feel like i'm a mask.
Perhaps I should have known, but my sister is extremely religious and constantly lectures me on purity and modesty and stuff like that... I never would have suspected.
Tl;dr: Rubbed a dirty sex toy on my face today.
PM_ME_YOUR_BOOBIES_P: So Tractor.
Kaboose456: Annd we've gone meta
313411: God dammit...
Atleast I know the origin
teddyx2point0: I constantly find you on reddit. Mybe we should be friends.
313411: Wait what?
teddyx2point0: I always find things you post. I agree and/or like things you write. Im loke your biggest fan, except I promise not become overly attached and later plot to kill you
313411: I am honored :)
Just don't hide in my closet
teddyx2point0: Won't happen....again
313411: Thanks ;)
Sibire: Ohhh... So *that's* who else was there...
| 11 | 16.181818 | |
1405752168 | 1405779226 | t3_2b46jt | t5_2to41 | 12 | frenchmeister: TIFU by breaking my wisdom tooth on a piece of pizza
I had a coupon for a free medium pizza at Domino's, so I went and used it for dinner. Halfway through my first slice, I bit down on something rock hard. I spat out a small grey and white lump, the size of a small pebble. My jaw immediately started to get incredibly stiff on one side, and was sore and tingled like crazy whenever I pressed on certain spots, but I assumed it was because I hurt myself when I bit down on whatever the fuck that thing was. It almost looked like a piece of cavity-ridden tooth, but I thought it couldn't be because my teeth weren't hurting, just my jaw. I looked at my teeth in the mirror just in case, but they looked fine.
I had things to do, so I just took an aleve, finished my dinner, and walked the dog before I sat down to take pictures of the pebble thing and post it to /r/wtf, hoping to get an explanation for what the hell it was and why it was in my pizza. Pretty much every comment said it looked like a piece of tooth. I started getting worried and decided to get a better look by taking pictures, but nothing looked unusual.
I felt around with my finger just to be 100% certain, and when I reached my left upper wisdom tooth, I noticed a strange dip. I compared it to my right one over and over again before concluding that there was *definitely* something missing. I scraped it with my fingernail, and the texture in that spot was horribly wrong. It was rough and made a quiet scratchy sound that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I realized that my nightmares were literally coming true: my teeth were falling out (it's a recurring theme in my nightmares for some reason).
It doesn't hurt since the nerves aren't exposed, and I've been putting off getting my wisdom teeth pulled for a few years now, so it's really not *that* big of a deal. The only problem is I have no insurance, and next to no money unless I want to dip into my college funds. Even if I had the money, I'm house sitting 450 miles away from home where I know nobody who can drive me home after getting them pulled, so it looks like there's nothing I can do for now. I just hope it's safe to brush my teeth and everything :/
**TL;DR Take care of your teeth kids, and get those damn cavities filled**
vxx: Dreaming of your teeth falling out is a sign of a change you're going through or will soon.
Don't worry, in most cases it's a positive change in your life.
frenchmeister: Well it's been happening my whole life, so I guess I have been constantly changing the entire time I've been having those dreams...I've also heard it's a sign of stress as well, and god knows I have lots of that to spare :P
LiquidBiscuit: I have these dreams too. My teeth either fall out, turn to chalk and desintigrate, or they all wiggle around like a bunch of piano keys.
| 4 | 3 | |
1405744576 | 1405792150 | t3_2b3yf3 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Harry3799: TIFU a couple years back by dog sitting
Sonicrider3: Funny how this was on 4chan.
Wait a minute....
genericname1231: [Funny that.](http://www.reddit.com/r/4chan/comments/21mrma/dogsitting_fiasco_for_unfortunate_anon/)
[Funny this too.](http://imgur.com/r/tumblr/M0CXYrX)
[Oh hey, would you look at that...](http://i.imgur.com/lB3hD4d.png?1)
Sonicrider3:
Totally not the same story at all.
EDIT: Oh hey would you look at that, he removed it.
| 4 | 2 | |
1405753474 | 1405779220 | t3_2b47rb | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a portapoty
It happened a mere 27 seconds ago.
No really
Im working at a camp where I'm with kids all day so the middle of the night is when I have any time to myself
Its 11:55 pm GMT -8
I sat down to reddit and drop an epic duce.
Now obviously it wasn't my phone getting dropped in the tank as that's what I'm posting from (unless I'm rich enough to have a second one on me in which case I would simply take the porshe to the store to morrow to get a new one) alas that is not the case but in a way what happened was actually worse.
Did you know people are so grossed out by backsplash that their has been science done to discover how to minimize it with toilet paper
Yes
That is what happens
Not once
Not twice
But thrice in a
Backsplash... In a portapotty.... Including my balls....
Remember me...
greghirtz: I don't get it...
[deleted]: Go dunk you balls in a portapoty
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1405727360 | 1405800951 | t3_2b3b75 | t5_2to41 | 5 | 0427913: TIFU by disabling every serivce on my laptop.
While trying to optimize my laptop to stream more than 480p, i decided to disable windows module installer to decrease the idle cpu usage.
because apparently that helps...
so opened msconfig, deselected every option, apart from windows module installer, clicked disable all, clicked apply and restarted.
then after 2 failed configurations it started up, in apparently high performance mode (basic gray taskbar) i couldn't even choose the windows 7 glass theme, it was all grayed out.
network adapter not working, neither was the troubleshooter, neither was system restore.
i had literally turned everything off. i couldn't even play music.
after 30 minutes, and thinking about re-installing windows, i figured out what i'd done, clicked enable all, apply and restart.
Now i'm here, on my laptop, all back to normal.
bottom still flapping.
sighhh... people said i was a computer whiz when i 13 with windows 98, mastering the ejection of a floppy disc. now at 20 years old, i'm about as useful on a computer as a cock flavored lollipop.
look at my account, i can't even Reddit properly. (Grammar?)
EDIT:
Even though this is not dramatic, funny or embarrassing
if you turned on your laptop and your network adapter wouldn't respond if you fucked it, the troubleshooter would be less trouble if it shot you, and literally everything a laptop is supposed to do didn't work. i think you'd shit the bed just about as much i did. But of cause most of you wouldn't be so FU in the 1st place.
DakotaThrice: There are more than a few people who would find a cock flavoured lollipop very useful.
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: /r/nocontext
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405718598 | 1405786748 | t3_2b2xwf | t5_2to41 | 34 | wordyoprettygood: TIFU by by burning my penis.
This happened when I was 17.
Back when I was in high school I had an evil desk lamp that if left on for too long would get hotter than a thousand suns(approximately). Every so often I would burn my arm or my hand on it.
One day my parents were out of the house for the evening, which was a rare occurrence, so I had my girlfriend over. We started going at it in my bedroom. I was worried about them coming home and catching us in the act, so I was alert. We were fully into it and suddenly I heard the sound of a car door slamming right outside the house. So I stopped and got up to look out the window. The window was just above my bedside table...I had to lean over it...and sitting on top of the bedside table was the evil fucking lamp... It had been on for the past 2 or 3 hours.
Parents weren't home after all. Girlfriend thought it was hilarious.
I was not laughing.
berthor: Here i was hoping for some sick shit... lucky you I guess!
wordyoprettygood: My penis didn't fall off or anything, but it was definitely not pleasant. No sex for a few weeks...or anything else for that matter...
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1405757357 | 1405782444 | t3_2b4azj | t5_2to41 | 70 | Kwilleatyourparents: TIFU By giving a pig a bath
Yesterday my roommates decided to adopt a pet pig. The first day went well. He seemed happy and quiet and he only really squealed when he was picked up. We kept him in a pen when we were home and in a small dog kennel when we left.
So today after coming home from a hike we go to let the pig out and realized he had pooped in his kennel. This apparent due to the shit smeared across his body.
Me and my one roommate already were weary about the pig and were extremely freaked out by the squealing he had done prior. So we had to figure a way to clean the pig without picking him up because we don't want pig shit on us, and did not want him squealing. After managing to usher the pig into a cardboard box, we took the box to the bathroom and released the pig into the tub.
We began rinsing the feces off the pig and it seemed to enjoy the water until we tried to rub in some shampoo. It then started to scream and run around the tub. At this point we are freaking out and the pig is freaking out and starts to take another shit in the bathtub.
We clean up that poop and clean the kennel which takes a long time due to the sheer mass of shit. When the pig began to once again shit. While all this is happening I am crying and my roommate is screaming and the pig is screaming and occassionally trying to jump out of the tub.
The pig finally manages to jump out of the tub and is running around the bathroom I am standing on the rim of the tub and my roommate is standing on the toilet because the pig has us really freaked out now.
We get the now clean pig calmed down and into it's pen after a lot of corraling just as our third roommate comes home.
To all those concerned the pig is fine and is in no danger. We are taking good care of him it was just scary in the heat of the moment.
tl;dr Basically there was a screaming pig covered in its own shit and two screaming girls trying to fix it.
baozichi: That isn't really TIFU.
I had an experience like this one time. When I was 20 or so, I thought it was a great idea to get a ferret, because hey, they are awesome right? Well I did some research for a few weeks and finally decided to do it. I got a nice huge cage, all the toys, food, I had everything covered. Now ferrets mostly sleep, like, basically always. So I had picked out a nice cheerful ferret from a breeder and got it home, sleeping in a blanket the whole time. He was basically like a soft wet rag, so I put him in the cage and figured I would wait for him to wake up.
Well finally, the next morning, I saw he was awake, snacking on some food, he has successfully used the in-cage litterbox! SWEET! This was going to work out. So I opened up the front of the cage, gently and reached in, he sniffed me a bit, no problem. I then scooped him up, as you would pick up a hamster or something... but he wasn't having that.
He bit the shit out of me, ninja-jumped out of the cage and was running around in my living room like a psychopath. I tried to talk gently to him, and move slowly, but he was crazy. I mean CRAZY. You haven't seen crazy until you have seen a pissed off weasel/ferret. I couldn't get anywhere near him. I tried tossing a blanket on him, but he was to swift and navigated out of it like it was a fun game. Back to scaring the shit out of me. I panicked and went into the kitchen to figure out what to do, and when I came back in he was finally calm. On the floor, sleeping. Thank God! I guess he wasted all his energy, and switched back to sleep-for-20-hours-mode. So I tried to scoop up his sleeping body like I had done before...
Nope, Woke up, bit the shit out of me several times, then jumped at my leg and ripped my shin to shreds (I had stitches...). I guess my girl-like screaming scared him (even more?) so he started running all over the place, shitting a line of ferret-doo as he moved. It was everywhere..... :(
Cookieway: That sounds like a really horrible situation, but you deserved it for trying to pick it up right away.
baozichi: Yup. I sure did.
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1405764583 | 1405849627 | t3_2b4g7c | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with my housemate.
So a bit of backstory.
Me and my now housemate have dated previously, a couple of years ago. It ended amicably. After a long stint abroad she has returned to the country and moved in to the house.
Fast forward to about 5pm, we (me, her, another housemate and a friend) decide that drinking to honour her return to the country would be fitting. Que getting absolutely trashed in the house, followed by going to town to meet with friends. The next thing I remember is making out with her on the walk home, and then being naked in her room...
We've all surfaced but have yet to have that awkward conversation due to everyone being in one room.
Edit: We went to talk in private and both agreed we'd just not speak of it again. We both found it quite funny so that's nice.
fullmarksdemello: This subreddit is trash; nothing but pathetic little children boasting about how they "had sex", like anybody on the internet gives a fuck.
Christ.
DothanSchmothan: Yet here you are. Commenting.
You are not required to click every link presented to you.
Quick perusal of you comment history reveals quite a bit of irrational anger.
You need a hobby.
fullmarksdemello: I have one. It's attempting to raise standards, despite people like you and yours.
DothanSchmothan: Okay. People like me? That means nothing.
| 5 | -0.2 | |
1405765567 | 1405797230 | t3_2b4gwz | t5_2to41 | 28 | disgustedbymyself: TIFU by wanking with artificial capsaicin
So for some reason that I can't recall, I decided it would be a good idea to go on eBay and purchase a small quantity of nonivamide/PAVA, which is an artificial form of capsaicin, the chemical that makes spicy food hot.
It arrived about an hour ago. I got out my masturbation sleeve, squirted some lube in it and carefully added the tiniest amount of the nonivamide powder. Mixed it up a little and got to work...
Felt pretty good at the time, but oh my god, it hurts so much after about 5 minutes. I finished, and ran to the bathroom naked to rinse it off in the sink, which of course had no effect at all. I grabbed a glass of milk from the kitchen and poured it over my cock, which made the burning subside a little, but not by much. A long cold shower helped a lot, but I can still feel the burning sensation. At least it's bearable now.
This is the stupidest fucking thing i've done in a long time...
p.s. I still have just short of a gram of nonivamide. Wonder what I should do with it...
bowmaster17: Why in your right mind did you decide to do this?
disgustedbymyself: I thought it would feel good ?
Probably related to my masochistic fantasies.
bowmaster17: Yeah, let me put mega-spicy dust on my dick, the most sensitive area of my body, because I might like it. Kinda perfect logic.
disgustedbymyself: I dunno. I just have fantasies where i'm restrained and a dominant man comes and sprays pepper spray on my face and cock
bowmaster17: Well, to each man his own...
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1405767511 | 1405767832 | t3_2b4i9f | t5_2to41 | 7 | myatomicgard3n: TIFU by Posting on Reddit
willybusmc: Give us some more context
myatomicgard3n: I saw people posting pictures of creepy pms. I implied it was me sending the pictures and I was banned from posting. Not much else to it. Not sure which one got me banned. I said the same thing in a few threads.
willybusmc: Ahhh, douchey mods perhaps
myatomicgard3n: Probably, it took me all of like 2 minutes to get banned.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1405772866 | 1405796032 | t3_2b4mbo | t5_2to41 | 84 | sagull: TIFU by not closing the door when cleaning my ears
*This happened about a week ago, but its still pretty relevant so I figured I would share.*
So, its a Sunday night and I'm home alone. I'd been binging True Detective all day and my ears hurt because I had my headphones on for so long. So I took them off and started massaging them around, and as I was massaging them I got the idea to clean them.
So, I walked downstairs to the bathroom, opened up a bag of q-tips and I began to clean my ears in front of the mirror. I always do my right ear first, then my left ear. So I'm cleaning my right ear, really getting in there to make sure its clean, and then I finish and move onto the next ear, my left ear. I'm digging in there, gently of course, getting wax out of all the crevices, when suddenly my dog sneaks up behind me and barks. Mind you it was around 1AM so I wasn't expecting him to just sneak up behind me like that. His bark startled me and I flinched pretty hard. My flinch resulted in my arm moving up abruptly, unfortunately this was the arm that was holding the q-tip in my ear. These were also extremely cheap polish q-tips, literally just cotton glued onto a both sides of a plastic stick, just cheap q-tips I bought at the dollar store, they came in a plastic baggy, no box, no instructions. So when my arm moved so abruptly, the stick shot through the cotton and into my ear drum. At least I think it was my ear drum. Anyway, it shot through the cotton and into my ear drum. It all just happened so fast, my dog snuck behind me, barked, I flinched, and stabbed my ear drum with a broken q-tip, it took just a second for everything to go to shit.
For a brief moment I was in shock, I didn't notice what had happened, but once I looked in the mirror again and I saw blood trickling from my ear and down my neck, I snapped back into reality, and thats when the pain started. I just had this excruciating pain in my ear, and a loud beep sound. *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeppp*, and pain, lots of pain. I sat down on the bathtub and put my head in my hands, I felt like I'd just been hit with a brick.
After a couple of minutes the pain and the beep sound subsided, and I was able to keep my head up and walk around. So, I stood up and walked back to the mirror, there was still blood on my neck and I looked like something like [this] (http://www.popularmechanics.com/cm/popularmechanics/images/bJ/earbleeding-300-md.jpg). I shoved a cotton ball in my ear and the bleeding stopped entirely and I was able to clean up. I felt fine after that and I went to sleep.
Come next morning, I can't hear from my left ear. Its deaf. I tested it out, I took my in-ear headphones, plugged them into my phone, played some music on full blast, and I put the left ear bud in my left ear. Nothing. Absolutely *nothing*. I just felt the headphone vibrating. I couldn't even hear the sound leaking from my right ear. It freaked me out pretty bad, I began to try and yawn, chew gum, and pop my ears in anyway possible, but nothing worked. I gave in and called my doctor, I made an appointment for the next day.
I had to go that whole day being half-deaf, it was horrible. The simplest of tasks become complicated, I couldn't even watch a movie without having my headphones on full blast for everyone to hear. Fast-forward to the next day though, and I'm at the doctors office. After shoving some telescope looking thing in my ear, he tells me that he can't see anything because of all the wax thats built up. Turns out that those shitty q-tips I was using didn't remove the wax from my ears, but instead brought it all into one clump, blocking my canals. So he prescribed some kind of wax softening drops and I have to use those for the next week, only then can he clean my ear out and check to see if I've damaged my ear-drum. So I'm either fucked and half-deaf, or I'm fine only time will tell.
**TL;DR - I didn't close the door to my bathroom when cleaning my ears and my dog snuck up behind me and barked. His bark startled me and I flinched, causing me to shove the cheap q-tip deep into my ear. I bled a lot and I heard a long *beeeeep* and then I woke up the next morning completely deaf from my left ear.**
Edit: Spelling
lolmikez: Looks like you're retarded.
sagull: Looks like you're an asshole.
lolmikez: Yes, I am an asshole for calling people out on being stupid.
sagull: You're an asshole for using the word "retarted" as a synonym for stupid. Additionally, you're an asshole because I wasn't being stupid. I made a simple mistake, I forgot to close the door. Everyone makes mistakes, I'm not stupid for making a minor one. In my eyes, you're an asshole.
lolmikez: It wasn't forgetting to close the door. It says right on the box q-tips are not for cleaning ears.
sagull: >These were also extremely cheap polish q-tips, literally just cotton glued onto both sides of a plastic stick. Just cheap q-tips I bought at the dollar store, they came in a plastic baggy, no box, no instructions.
If you'd read the post, you could see that they didn't come with a box and therefore I couldn't have been aware of that.
lolmikez: There's no way you haven't read a q-tip box. How the fuck could your dog scare your by barking?
sagull: I don't buy brand name shit, so I haven't read the box of brand name q-tips. I could probably name a hundred people who haven't taken the time to read the back of a fucking box.
Again, if you'd bothered to read the fucking post before criticizing me, you'd know that I said,
>Mind you it was around 1AM so I wasn't expecting him to just sneak up behind me like that.
When its 1AM and the whole house is pitch black and its dead quiet, you aren't expecting a loud bark. Thats normal, fuck off m8.
lolmikez: So you somehow couldn't hear a dog walking?
sagull: One, I have carpets so sound is muffled.
Two, his nails are trimmed so he doesn't make very much sound when he walks.
Three, I was really concentrated on cleaning my ear so, I wasn't paying attention to anything else around me.
| 11 | 7.636364 | |
1405774812 | 1405797912 | t3_2b4nyu | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by booking the wrong date for a day cruise for my bf's friend's bachelor party.
My boyfriend's friend is getting married in August and is having his bachelor party today. After several weeks of indecisiveness on the groom's part, they finally decided on taking a day cruise to Bimini on the superfast cruise. The day my bf was supposed to purchase the tickets, he forgot his passport at home so he asked me to do it for him, so when I got home I called him up and started making the reservation with him on the phone. We get the reservation done and are short $117.00, but we're good to go.
Cut to today. My boyfriend and I have been in the keys since Wednesday with his family. The cruise leaves at 9 AM Saturday so he has to get there early around 8 AM to load onto the boat. My boyfriend left the keys last night at 11 AM so that he could sleep at home and be at this friends house early in the morning and meet up to board.
He wakes up this morning and the grooms party meets up to start heading out. Him and his buddies finally get there and that's when he notices that he has the wrong date on his ticket. Whatever, he'll just change it and be on his merry way, right?
Nope. Apparently, the cruise line has to send out a manifest to the US Coast Guard with all the names of the people boarding the boat at 8 AM. After 8 AM, they can no longer accept changes to reservations for that day or let anyone purchase a ticket.
He's currently on his way back to the keys and I'm pretty terrified.
letmesaveyouopyouidi: He'll be a little miffed, but if he loves you it won't be all that bad.
cheesywipper: I love my gf, it still be pissed
Andhareall: He was pretty miffed with me when it first happened. Luckily he had an hour and a half trip back to the keys to cool off 😬
| 4 | 3 | |
1405781610 | 1405797665 | t3_2b4v2v | t5_2to41 | 63 | [deleted]: TIFU by fingering a girl in her nose.
This incident happened during the first few days of my college. Introvert in nature, I made few but good friends. Among them was a guy who was a diehard fan of Star Trek, and he made me one too. So whenever we met, we greeted each other with Vulcan salute, the popular hand gesture of Star Trek and said "Live long and prosper." (Ok, I know it was too much, but those were the exciting early days of college.)
So one day, I was climbing the stairs of my college to attend the lecture and saw my friend coming down. So as usual, I greeted him with the Vulcan salute and the hand gesture. But this time, there was a cute girl climbing stairs behind me. And it was such an amazing (rather unfortunate) coincidence of precise height and the gap between my fingers that my middle finger and ring finger perfectly slid into her nostrils. I felt something gooey and slimy but still didn't see her behind me so pulled my hand. And the poor girl just tripped in front of me, trying hard not to sob. I froze over there and before I could apologize, she ran away. Luckily no one was around us except my friend who was leaning to the wall trying to support himself from his laughter. (But he, himself was enough to spread the story throughout the college.) Now, whenever that girl comes around me, we avoid eye contact.
tl;dr: I fingered a girl with vulcan salute in her nose.
sblectric: wat
Eat_The_Muffin: how possible?
saviorlito: Possible, how?
Eat_The_Muffin: WOH! ELLB IS SOP
saviorlito: OP ????WO HEL BISS
Eat_The_Muffin: PISS? He low be!
saviorlito: O, she sip below.
| 8 | 7.875 | |
1405783751 | 1405789591 | t3_2b4xuu | t5_2to41 | 18 | girlwithissues: TIFU by coming home at 7am after a night out.
As the title says TIFU by coming home so late.
to explain better i will tell you i come home 1x per year for a few weeks on summer vacation and i tend to stay out long. this time in stead of going home after clubbing all night with friends i went to eat a slice of pizza before i go home.and thats actually where IFU. after i finished eating i should have gone home but instead i went with a guy i really liked to his place and stayed there until 6:45.
so as you all already know i came home 15min after that hoping my father is still sleeping. but this time not only that he wasn't sleeping but he was fully awake and he was PISSED OFF like never before. we had a huge fight and instead of going to this huge party tonight, my father took my car & motor & house keys and for the next 10 days(that's how long i stay) i'm supposed to be at home at 11pm every night. -.-.
i'm 21 and i left from home at 18 and ever since i come home 1time per year for holidays, but my father still treats me like im 15.
i don't know was this guy worth so much trouble ? :/
genericname1231: >car & motor & house keys
Take them back
Leave.
Don't come back next year
Call your father and tell him when he can quit being such an overbearing shitball, you'll come back.
girlwithissues: i was actully checking to take a new ticket and just go back to the other country in the next few days but i see my friends only 1x per year so i kind of don't wanna go :/
saddest part is that guy i was with was just a fling, nothing serious,,so now i'm thinking was he really worth this much trouble :/
genericname1231: Will your friends put you up?
Either way, you're 21.
Take your keys back.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1405784664 | 1405815532 | t3_2b4z21 | t5_2to41 | 4,566 | basilisklol1: TIFU by finally having sex with a girl I like.
I'm a 25 year old guy and I recently found a girl who I really like. We met one night pretty randomly and exchanged numbers. I asked her out a couple days later and we went on our first date. It went better than any other date I have ever been on, I met her roommate and some of her other friends as well and they all seem super cool. She was absolutely perfect and I really didn't want to fuck anything up. Eventually things led back to the bedroom and I decided to tell her that I didn't want to have sex yet. I wanted to really see this relationship grow and not be like all the other meaningless one night stands that I have had. She is totally cool with this and we just fooled around a little before going to bed, tho no sex.
Then about a week goes by and we have both been pretty swamped at work so no dates during the week but we make plans to do something fun Friday night. By the way this whole week we have been texting non stop and she seems absolutely fantastic. Like seriously a girl who I want to start a relationship with, so I plan on Friday to officially ask her out or whatever.
This all leads to Friday night. We go out to dinner, go to an outdoor concert and then meet some of our friends at a local bar. Things get a little fuzzy from here. We had both been drinking for a while and so I was nearing that point where memories would begin to be forgotten if I took another shot.
Anyways we go back to her house and do the deed. It is fucking fantastic, we actually ended up having sex 3 different times in just about an hour. I get up, and go to the bathroom naked and walk back to the room. Low and behold there is another fucking guy in the bed. I'm fucking flipping out now. Standing in front of the bed trying to figure out where this guy even came from. I mean she is fucking cuddling with him in the bed. What the fuck! I decide the best action would to be to wake her up and confront her about this. So I go and wake her up and start asking questions. She completely ignores me and walks to the bathroom. I'm just standing there dumbfounded, like wtf this bitch. I can't believe this shit. I'm going to get dressed and leave and never come back. So while she is in the bathroom I'm looking around for my clothes which I can't find. She gets back from the bathroom and just starts flipping shit on me (I guess she thought I was her boyfriend when she first woke up). Demanding to know who I am and to get the fuck out of the room. Turns out . . . this was not the girl I was seeing . . . this was her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend.
I then nope right out of there, still completely naked and go back in to the correct room. I tried waking the girl I was actually seeing up but she was passed out like a rock. I was fucking exhausted and there was no way I was getting home so I just decided to pass out and worry about it in the morning. I then woke up later at about 10 in the morning. The buses had started running by then so I said goodbye to the girl (who I will probably never see again) and went home.
Way to fuck up a great relationship. :(
[deleted]: "Sorry, we can't be together anymore. I walked into your roommates room by accident. It's just not going to work between us"
**Do you hear yourself?!**
HopelessSemantic: Oh no, once I accidentally thought another man was my husband from behind, and he turned around, and it wasn't my husband at all! My marriage is over!
Swtcherrypie: My husband almost smacked another girl's ass that was walking through the grocery store because he thought it was me. I laughed my ass off when he told me.
Hoborrrr: I once got groped by my friends girlfriend (now wife)... He and I both look very similar, especially from behind apparently.
Swtcherrypie: That's great.
Hoborrrr: She refused to answer the question of who was packing the bigger heat. I take that as a win for me.
Swtcherrypie: Lol nice, although unless you were hard it would be difficult to fully know the answer to that. I'd imagine some grow more than others, idk. ^^*shrug*
Hoborrrr: Way to take the air out of my sail...
Swtcherrypie: I'm sorry. It's not what was intended.
Hoborrrr: Haha I was only joking :-)
| 11 | 415.090909 | |
1405785260 | 1405802270 | t3_2b4zvd | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my cousin drink my semen
nathanjayy: Wow this sub is full of shit that didn't happen nowadays. Atleast make it believable.
billybeano: When covering your dick from embarrassment what soda do you put it in?
ExPeCtDeAtH: Coke is usually the preferred one
| 4 | 14 | |
1405786813 | 1405868562 | t3_2b523a | t5_2to41 | 631 | FilthyNipple: TIFU group pooping with my best friend.
My friend and I just got done getting some grub at this soul food restaurant in town. After some good conversation and consuming a couple pounds of the greasiest food you can imagine, one thing became very apparent and that was that we both needed to drop one. So of course we do what all best friends should do. We casually get up and find our way to the John.
So here we are both taking a shit, just cutting up in our neighboring stalls. This is where the fucking up begins. My friend being weird like he usually is reaches his phone under the stall and snaps a picture of me on the shitter. Apparently he forgot his phone wasn't on silent and the snapping of the picture echoed throughout the bathroom. Then he proceeds to wipe his ass and toss his shit stained toilet paper over at me. To my dismay the toilet paper lands on my bare leg. Without thinking I pick it up with ninja-like reflexes and lob it over the stall. In the midst of all this happening we had failed to realize that an innocent bystander had entered the realm of our group poop. To my own horror the shit stained toilet paper must have found refuge somewhere on the innocent man using the urinal. After what seemed like an eternity of silence I hear the man I had just soiled let out a ghastly shriek.
I ducked my head and let the shame soak in as I realized what I had just done. Seconds after the bystander lost all sense of humanity and became hostile. Rightfully so since he practically was just shit on by my best friend. After a barrage of fucks, shits, and damnits he storms out of the bathroom. A few moments pass by and I think that it is all over. I step out of the stall only as the once innocent bystander and the manager walk back in. I had to be escorted out of the restaurant while my friend carried on with his business.
TLDR; I secondhand shit stained an innocent man.
pxpxy: Holy fuck what's wrong with you people
FilthyNipple: Honestly, I feel terribly about the incident. It was the ultimate fuck up.
Notsdlog: I think he means the fact that you and your friend throw shit rags at each other.
Teivospylol: ya regardless of it hitting anyone its pretty disgusting and low grade to act that way
jakeman77: I am amazed at how high grade you are.
| 6 | 105.166667 | |
1405786460 | 1405788493 | t3_2b51lb | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with a coworker/friend
throwaway account, just in case.
Background
We both work in tech service and became good friends while having the same position. Recently I got promoted as supervisor, and became her boss (currently 7 people team, including her).
She recently broke up with his 2year bf. I've been hitting on her cousin (they're pretty close) for a while and things have going pretty well.
Now, last night we went for a couple of drinks with some coworkers, we were dancing and out of nowhere we started making out, after we went to her place and have sex.
I will have to talk to her, turn her down, hoping she doesn't tell anyone from work or her cousin.
mbevks: Any chance you can move departments so you can date her without the problem being her supervisor? That is, if you want to date her.
choppan: I don't think that is the case, OP posted his shitty situation in /r/AskMen
| 3 | 0 | |
1405789728 | 1405803807 | t3_2b5699 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Bastionoflogic: TIFU By getting involved with my best friend
Me and this girl have been friends for years. People always thought we were a couple because of how well we got along, it was described like we were a team. A few days ago, she stayed over at my place, and the sexual tension reached a climax, and we had sex. We kept doing this for the last 2 days. But then things went wrong, and she tells me she doesn't want us to be a thing. I really like her, she's my best friend, and in afraid I'll lose her. I'm just so lost.
space_jumper: Quick, back way off Bro, and be really patient. Like two weeks to a month patient. Give her a lot of room, and let the relationship redefine itself. You do this, and I promise you two will be OK with each other. Different, but OK.
Bastionoflogic: We talked a little this morning. That's pretty much what I'm going to do. Backing off is my best chance of a positive outcome.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405790870 | 1405827418 | t3_2b57wm | t5_2to41 | 6,602 | partying_butbutthole: NSFW TIFU by engaging in anal in a beautiful lake in Calfiornia
About two months ago, a friend of mine invited me to go on a trip to a lake he does every year. He owns a lake house and a boat, so I knew it would be a pretty kickass weekend. Sign me right up!
Fast forward and we make it to the lake around 10pm, party hard all night, and decide to take the boat out for the first time that next morning. Here's my fuck-up.
For those who don't know what tubing is- its basically connecting a large, inflatable, almost matress like (but round instead of rectangular) thing to the back of the boat with a special rope. You get on the tube and the boat pulls it. The point is to try to stay on the tube while being bounced and swerved around with waves. Its really fun. So I thought.
I had on fairly loose swim trunks that day. Fit fine around the waist, but loose around my legs. I strap on my life jacket and hop on ready for the ride. His tube was the kind where you sit on your butt with your legs facing he boat and hold on to handles at your sides.
So my friend starts the boat, turns back to me, and gives me a smile, wink, and thumbs up. That bastard. Right from the start he speeds the boat up and I'm jerked back in surprise. I manage to hold on, but it's a hell of a ride! I mean, he's turning left and right, speeding up, taking u-turns. This guy is TRYING HIS HARDEST to get me to fall off this tube! I'm grinning like a fool and laughing, trying to hold on, and just having a great time. I look around and take in this amazing place: crystal clear warm water, the sun shining bright, the wind hitting my face.
And then I hit a wave that lifts the tube into the air. When I come down, my leg dangles over the edge and catches in the water we were speeding by. I can't hold on and I fall in. We were going really fast, and the wind had been getting underneath the leg of my swim trunks and lifting it up. When I fall, I turn and fall in on my stomach. The water rushed up the leg of my swim trunks and straight into my butthole. IT HURT. I felt the pressure of the water pull apart my buttcheeks and forcefully shove up my poor, unsuspecting asshole. It all happened so fast that when I surfaced, all I could do was let the life jacket keep me afloat. A million thoughts raced through my head. Did the water go in? Did I just lose my anal virginity to a lake? Is my butthole going to get infected? The boat circled around to get me, but I couldn't even swim towards it, I was so sore. They had to lift me into the boat. Everyone was laughing, telling me what a great fall I had. All I could do was smile awkwardly and try not to move my lower body much. They suspected nothing of what had happened.
As soon as we docked, I bee-lined it to the washroom. Something wasn't right, I had an immense urge to poop and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I barely made it, and as soon as I got on the toilet, I felt a swoosh of water come out of my asshole, followed by liquidy shit that just would't stop flooding out. I couldn't ride the tube again until the next day.
Tl;dr Went tubing on a friend's boat, fell off and was analy assaulted by the lake.
Edit: spelling
Edit 2: Wow, this got bigger than I thought it would! Glad you all enjoyed my special moments with that lake.
If any of you want to listen to this story read out loud in a majestically deep voice, /u/Cyae1 did a [beautiful job](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITICqnAHpAM&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&index=14).
Edit 3: So now I know what an enema is. Thanks guys. Also, for all those asking what lake it was, it was called either Bullards Bar or Emerald Cove. My buddy kept switching the names back and forth. If any of you visit, tell that lake to delete my number. Couldn't even call me back after anal. *sigh*
Edit 4: Another virginity taken! Thank you stranger for my first gold!
Turbo_Vince: You can seriously die from having water flow up your butthole too fast. It usually happens to idiots that cliff dive with their buttholes open. Also did the lake even cuddle with you after taking your anal virginity?
partying_butbutthole: No, it didn't :/
MidzLyfe: Scum bag lake.
lastcowboyinthistown: Nail and bail
lastcowboyinthistown: Pork and walk
[deleted]: Splash then Dash
Mark_JT84: Flow and go
Sirmish: Stream and beam.
Thebig1two: Wank and shank
ObamaBigBlackCaucus: Engaged in coitus and then acquiesced
tomahawkfury13: In this case he was chucked then fucked.
Rowls: Pond and abscond.
this_cant_be_my_name: H2 hoed
Salmon4: Filled and spilled
whine_and_cheese: Pumped and dumped.
| 16 | 412.625 | |
1405793172 | 1405867949 | t3_2b5bgk | t5_2to41 | 226 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my dad self written erotica that seemed to be about him
It's as bad as it sounds. It really is.
Three years ago I overheard my auntie make a joke about my dad's penis. Apparently he has a purplish birthmark on it. I sincerely hope that my auntie only knew this because her sister (my mum) had told her. Anyway, I knew about it but I obviously didn't put much thought into it, it's my dad's penis, and ew.
So two years later and I decide to try my hand at writing erotica. Writing is a hobby of mine and I've dabbled in almost every genre, so I thought why not erotica? It's a money maker, right? But I don't want it to be your classic 'father fucks horny babysitter', 'lonely single mother fucks the plumber', so I like to put a twist on things.
Human fucks a robot.
Nun fucks Jesus.
Blind woman fucks man with HUGE BIRTHMARK ON HIS PENIS.
I wasn't thinking about my dad when I wrote it. It might have crossed my mind, and it was probably where I subconsciously got the idea from, but it wasn't my dad in the story. It was just a man with a big birth marky penis! Anyway I wrote a few of these weird erotica stories and then I forgot about them. Shoved them all into a big folder on my computer named 'short stories', along with the other ones, the normal ones, the ones that my dad would enjoy reading.
Me and my dad are not close and we have very little in common, other than our love of reading. It's the one thing we can bond over. So yesterday morning, my dad shouts to me from his 'office'. "Jenna, email me some of your stories. I need something new to read." I'm kind of nervous about it, but it makes me happy too. It's nice that he's interested. It would be nice to hear some critique. So I open up my laptop, select a few random files, and off they go. I don't really look at which ones they are, I'm not too bothered at the time. I have 30+ stories in that folder, they're all finished and I'm quite pleased with them all. So it makes no difference to me which ones he reads.
Half an hour later, I've finished what I was doing. I go into my dads office, "have you read them yet?" "not yet, Jenna, sorry. Give me an hour." "hurry up." I say, and I go back into my room. I go back half an hour later, "have you read them yet?" I say, wanting to hear what he thinks now. I'm starting to worry, what if he doesn't like them? What if he thinks they're shit? I'm starting to sound desperate. "hurry up dad." I say, getting a bit whiny. I want to hear what he thinks now. Anyway, I go out for a few hours, meet up with a friend. I come back, and my dad is sat in the living room with some paper in his hands.
"ooh, have you read them yet?" I say, sounding giddy. He gives me this look, like, *what the fuck is wrong with you.* Then he passes me the paper. And there is my story, my story about the blind woman who fucked a man with a big birthmark on his penis. It's all there, on paper, which has just been in my dads hands.
Which I've been begging him to read all day.
Which he has read, and which he thinks is about him.
I apologise profusely and I try to explain. He puts his hand up to silence me, and says "please, Jenna, let's not share these things again."
Xexyz128: That's so fucking tractor
dumbledank: Gretchen stop trying to make tractor happen, its not going to happen
Xexyz128: I'm sorry.
SaddharKadham: NO. Don't you listen to him! I will make the tractor happen.
| 5 | 45.2 | |
1405789723 | 1405822362 | t3_2b568z | t5_2to41 | 21 | porn_theater_refugee: TIFU by not cleaning a bathroom
I just took my home back from nightmare tenants who totally trashed it - didn't vacuum, mop, or clean anything at all for a year - I'm just glad they threw their garbage out. All the bathrooms were disgusting and I only cleaned the bathroom in the master since that's the only one that would be in use until I bring in Merry Maids to do a top to bottom cleaning of the house. The basement floor was so fucked up I had to have the flooring torn out and replaced. I went downstairs to check on the guys and I see one of the workers pulling the commode out of the bathroom so they can lay new flooring and he looked DISGUSTED and very unhappy to be carrying a piss covered, shitty toilet out of the bathroom. I feel horrible about it and I'm going to make sure the guys get a good tip.
TL;DR TIFU by not cleaning a toilet and a flooring installer had to carry out a shitstained commode
mandyjo1986: I would sue your former tenants for the cleaning bills. That's so freaking gross!!!
porn_theater_refugee: she has NOOOOO money and 4 kids. I gave her gas money just so I could help her get out of the place.
mandyjo1986: That sucks, maybe she could help you clean it instead as a payment?
porn_theater_refugee: the first 4 pics are how my place looked AFTER she "cleaned."
the pic of the pile of swept up stuff is from the basement.
https://imgur.com/a/yxRtc
mandyjo1986: Holy shit! My house is spotless compared to that and I think mine's a trainwreck! I also have 3 kids though so I understand how messy it can get. Looks like a nice place though :)
porn_theater_refugee: I can understand how things get messy with midgets, stuff happens. but she didn't mop the kitchen the entire time she was here. I stopped by and crashed here for a few days and HAD to mop and vacuum cause I couldn't walk without shit sticking to my feet.
mandyjo1986: Now that's plain disgusting! I'm sorry you had such a crappy tenant OP.
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1405796242 | 1405875335 | t3_2b5g41 | t5_2to41 | 17 | ThatLittleP4nda: TIFU by lighting fireworks in my room
So the other day my friend gave me some black cats he had leftover from fourth of July. Black cats are the ones that have the stick on them and you light them in a bottle and they shoot off and make a loud bang.
I am quite obsessive compulsive and have really bad adhd. Because of this im both easily amused and I have to keep myself occupied. I got the genius idea to light some of these firework inside a bottle in my room. I lit the fuse, dropped it in the bottle, and closed the lid and waited. The first time it made a cool sound and a neat flash. I should have stopped here, but I decides to do it again. This time, I guess the pressure was too much, and the bottle shattered upon the explosion. I ended up with some scratches, and luckily was wearing my glasses so I didnt get glass in my eyes. Here's a pic of the aftermath: http://imgur.com/7cJHKSD
Tl;dr lit fireworks in glass bottle inside my room, bottle exploded, glass everywhere
kingtoshiro: I don't wanna sound like a dick but I wanna hammer in the point that your a dumbass
ThatLittleP4nda: *you're
kingtoshiro: Now we are both stupid we should totally be best friends
ThatLittleP4nda: I dont see why not
kingtoshiro: That way you can get your fixin off and no shit surprises >I dont see why not
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1405794598 | 1405809445 | t3_2b5dpg | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to enjoy myself.
So the parents are out for a few hours, and I wanted to try some of their fancy wine, that's been aging for a few years now, that they keep in the kitchen closet. I get my fancy wine glass and the cork opener in hand, and attempt to open op the sucker. Only one problem, I have no idea how to open it. I didn't even try to google it first, because I thought it was simple to just open it. So anyways, I'm not paying attention and the cork opener majig goes all the way through that tiny cork. Fuck fuck fuck! I take it out and theres more than a dozen cork pieces around the bottle. I try to put it back in like a puzzle piece and im somewhat content with it. For some reason, my idiot self, thought I fixed the problem. right?? So I place it back where it was and of course it's dripping and it's going through the cork. So, I got some paper towels and cleaned that mess up and and pat the cork dry again. I hid it on the higher shelves, behind all the useless can foods we dont eat..I hope they never find it.
I feel guilty for ruining it for them though, so I'll probably confess to my mom. They just got home right now.
Update: I told my parents. They were disappointed because they were planning on selling them for $80 each.
mandyjo1986: Next time, put it in a shoe and bang it against the countertop or a tree... The cork won't break and you won't fuck up :)
Suzuya: Thanks for the advice, I'll try that out next time for sure! :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405793961 | 1405797852 | t3_2b5cs0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost flinging my mother out a moving car.
So a little backstory (as usual). I have a 2001 fiat punto as my first car and this car has a 'city' button which allows you to steer significantly easier when trying to park or go around tight bends, the problem is my car has a problem where you open the passenger door and the handle stays in the open position causing the door to not 'clip' shut.
So I was taking my mum home from my sister's house, she gets in completely unaware of the issue with the door. I pull out the driveway, activate city mode (big truck blocking the driveway) and swerve very tightly to get out the driveway easier, suddenly she grabs my arm and I notice the door hanging open in the middle of a main road...
Not a huge fuck up but I dun goofed...
mandyjo1986: I think you need to get your door checked out.
Daraimtacl_Uesr: I agree friend haha, I assume most people knew about the problem though.
mandyjo1986: Maybe lock the door when you're inside? I've had a car door do that before and I noticed that if it's not latched right the lock won't engage.
Daraimtacl_Uesr: Thanks for the help, but the door will stay shut as long as you push the handle back in before you close the door :p
mandyjo1986: That's a good thing :)
| 6 | 1 | |
1405794618 | 1405904170 | t3_2b5dqn | t5_2to41 | 68 | sarcastroll: TIFU - Came across as a total child molester
My 6 year old had her birthday party at a ceramics shop. All her friends painted and fired cool ceramic figurines ranging from Hello Kitty to old-school 80's Optimus Prime. A good time was had by all.
One slight problem...
At the end, after the kids went home, we had a TON of leftover candy. I was about to throw it all out when I noticed other customers painting their ceramics. It was a group of 4 teen girls. Rather than toss all our extra candy I asked...
"Hi girls- do you want some candy?"
5 seconds after they said "no thanks" I realized from their point of view some dude just came up to them and offered them candy. Freaking candy. *facepalm*
So of course rather than just move on I stammered and said "Oh crap, wait, that sounded really bad me offering kids candy and all- we're just throwing it out so I figured... yeah, nevermind, sorry.". The people working the shop were cracking up at how stupid I sounded.
TLRD: Asked teen girls if they wanted candy. At least I didn't offer it to them from a windowless white van.
Cheeseburger_Bandit: Nobody can give away shit nowadays, without the people they offer it to looking at them like they have somebody chained in their basement! You haven't been in my basement! How do you know these things already!?
PerturbedPelican: Hey, you want a cheeseburger? I have a bunch of them in my basement.
dannysmackdown: Frig off
| 4 | 17 | |
1405804634 | 1405805584 | t3_2b5shp | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by blowing my chances of scoring with a stunning Italian girl, wayy out of my league
TIFU.
So I'm staying in Rome in a really nice hotel, pool, Lounge, spa, fine whole 9. So after a night at the spa, with my mom and I only, me, my mother, father, and sister went down to the lounge. Me and my father walk out the door, and my dad stands by holding it open, being nice. And as I begin to walk across the room, I feel some bad vibrations, and I mean some stomach rumble man. So I walk, and the very gates of hell decided to open. I proceeded to let out the biggest break of wind, that you've never heard. I mean the floor shook, walls crumbled, the guy down the street dropped his cig kind of stuff. And then, out of nowhere comes familiar drop of heaven. She walks buy, and I can already tell that I've FU. And she's absolutely just drop dead gorgeous. Same girl was checking me out earlier in the day, when I saw her in the same lounge. After some brief conversation, she reveals that she finds me very attractive, and gives me a room number, a time to meet her, and her phone number. Walks right by, within 3 seconds of my unfortunate flatulence. She literally stops, makes eye contact, and gives me an utter look of disgust, as she walks into my cloud. I immediately felt my heart sink. I wanted to cry. I had blew this completely. I was going to get a slice of some nice Italian cake. Now I wouldn't, due So yeah. TIFU
TL:DR: Watch where you fart. It may cost you.
mykro76: You told the story back to front mate. Intro the girl first.
Jake_jpg: Not sure I follow man
| 3 | 1 | |
1405806102 | 1405809733 | t3_2b5ulb | t5_2to41 | 19 | PK_Ness: TIFU by not getting a ticket stub.
I didn't do it today but this happened probably a few weeks ago and it's coming to light now. So I moved to the east coast from the other side of the country and the place I decided to live in are these really nice apartments, which was admittedly another brilliant fuck up, that only cost 679 dollars!
The first month was hell, I didn't get the job I was promised and before I found that out I blew all my money trying to be a hotshot kid, I'm only 19 and thanks to good ol' fashion US education I never learned about financing, I resorted to begging for some quick cash so I could pay these bills because my parents thought I had a fancy editing job, that's why I moved out here but of course it was just a joke and again I fucked up. Thanks to one man though I managed to make it through my first and second month but I'm paying him 32 bucks a month, a reasonable deal.
Well after months of crippling debt, me losing about 30 pounds because of lack of food, and me having to sell practically everything just to afford this bloody place, I finally paid off the last month of this apartment and am ready to move out. Or so I thought, see I finally sucked my pride up and asked my parents for some financial aid and even asked my grandma, which of course they provided and I was able to pay off everything. But of course the apartments don't accept cash so I figured, why not load all this money onto my serve account so I can get free RP for LoL when I pay the rent. Turns out the website I normally used to pay these bills didn't take American Express so I was forced to send them a check for the rent, this is where the fuck up happened. I am very shy and ashamed of having to owe people money so the people I do owe I generally pay them back and just avoid them as best as I can, which resulted in me just emailing the manager of the apartments telling her to look for a check in the mail. A couple of days after I sent the check she emailed me back saying "I got the check." That was it. Nothing more, so of course I happily blew it off and spent this month looking for a new apartment because my lease expires in a week. Well I just got a call ten minutes ago from my mother, who of course cosigned because again I'm just a kid, saying I owe the apartments 450 dollars. Which to my knowledge was false, so I laughed it off and told her to hang on while I logged into my apartment account, and sure enough I saw in big red letters "YOU OWE MONEY. PLEASE CONTACT (Rent Lady)!" but her offices are closed today. And of course I can't prove that she received a check because the 450 dollars is from that check. So now I'm being evicted tomorrow, something is going on my record saying I'm a late payer, and it's also affecting my mothers credit as well. So now I probably can't find an apartment and will be homeless for a bit and my mothers credit is tanking fast.
TL;DR: TIFU by moving across the country with no real plan and no real job security. Yay.
[deleted]: >So now I'm being evicted tomorrow
What? Your story makes it sound like you're late with a single months rent. Eviction is a long and complicated process. I don't believe that there is any state in the US that would allow them to evict you so easily or so quickly. Also, payment of back rent would immediately end the eviction process (assuming that is why you were being evicted; including any late fees or penalties; may vary by state law, etc.).
Which state are you in?
PK_Ness: Well I was late on the last two months because of the job I had at the time docking my pay for some reason. And they have threatened to evict before so now this was the final straw I guess. And the check was the payment of back rent and since I never received a stub or anything that proves she got the check other than an email saying she got it they are no claiming I still owe that money.
[deleted]: Check your local law: lateness is cause for a penalty, but may not be legal grounds for eviction.
Also, check your bank account to see if the check was cashed. If it was, take the evidence to them. If not, just cancel it and pay them again.
PK_Ness: Check local law: Will do, because I really am stuck and feel like I'm being taken advantage of because of my naivety.
Bank account: I would love to but it was sent with a prepaid american express serve card so I doubt they would know.
[deleted]: I don't know what you mean by check via prepaid american express, but there must surely be a paper trail. I wouldn't dream of paying anything important with something that lacks a paper trail.
PK_Ness: So on the American Express Serve website they have a option that says pay your bills here. When you click on it they withdraw money from your card and send that to wherever you need to send it to by check. I have a picture of my serve account with proof that I sent the check but nothing saying she received it. And I'm pretty new to this whole being an adult thing sooo yeah, paper trail didn't really go through my mind.
[deleted]: Again, I'm not familiar with their system, but I would:
1. Call AmEx and ask if they can tell whether the check has been deposited. If it has, get proof from them and pass it on to the landlord. If not...
2. Get a download/screenshot showing that the check was issued and the date and send that to the landlord. This won't solve your problem, but may buy you some time.
3. Void/cancel the original check (you may be able to do this online or may have to call AmEx to do so) and get a new one issued. There might be a fee, but it's better than losing the whole thing.
4. Take the payment to them *in person* and get a written receipt.
Finally, while you do need to be responsible for delivering your rent on time, you also don't have to let them bully and threaten you. If you sent the check and can prove it and you have the email from the landlord showing she received it, no court will let them evict you*. Just get them the money and fix their fuckup.
*Not legal advice, blah blah, etc.
PK_Ness: Got it, finding my phone right now. Hopefully AMEX has their smart reps on the line today because it is to damn cold to be homeless right now. Thanks carrion_soup. Now, um..., how do I go about fixing my mums credit? Or is that shot.
[deleted]: Ask in /r/personalfinance, but there may not be anything you can do. On the bright side, a couple late payments won't kill her credit too badly if it was good to start with and credit only matters if she's planning on buying something on credit. If she's not moving house and not buying a new car any time soon, she'll recover.
PK_Ness: Gotcha, and I didn't know that. I just assumed it takes forever to fix. I assume her credit's good because she's really good with money and stuff like this so at least I, hopefully, didn't tank it.
| 11 | 1.727273 | |
1405808991 | 1405831262 | t3_2b5yrb | t5_2to41 | 36 | NotGoodEnough5: TIFU by looking at my girlfriend's old Facebook notes.
This story happened around February of this year, I had been with this girl for roughly 5 months and I wanted to surprise her with her favorite flowers on V-Day without asking her about it.
So one night I opened up every single note she'd ever put on Facebook in my browser and Ctrl+F'd the word 'flower'. She happened to call me at the same time and asked me what I was up to, I explained to her I was looking for something on her Facebook but couldn't tell her what.
I ended up with no result and went with roses, later on I explained to her that what I had looked for a couple weeks prior. Weeks later she broke up with me to be with me (for another guy as I would later find out) and in the process made sure to tell me how creepy I was for it, all with the biggest look of loathing and disgust on her face and then went on to say that even if I had found something and gotten her favorite flowers she wouldn't even have liked them.
She since has completely deleted me from her life, refers to me as 'He Who Shall Not Be Named' and uses that story to inform people of how awful of a boyfriend I was.
TL;DR I wanted to give my girlfriend a thoughtful surprise, but instead I made myself look like a psycho. Oh, and I hate myself for it.
[deleted]: You didn't even do anything wrong. She's the one who fucked up. She was looking for a reason.
NotGoodEnough5: I think I know that in a sense, but the Facebook thing was just one in about 6 reasons she randomly gave me one night, some are absolutely ridiculous, but my self worth really took a big blow. I tend to be hard on myself, which is something she recognized at some point in our relationship.
Hearing someone you love so much tear you apart like that really messes you up. I can tell myself and have my friends, family, strangers tell me I didn't do anything wrong, it still doesn't alleviate the fact that she said those things, and that means she must have meant them, and that's enough for me to doubt myself.
Thing is, the only two people in this relationship were me and her, and although outside parties can give some insight, the only two people who know the real deal is her and myself. If she saw things I did to her as signs of how awful I was, it seems impossible for me not to take them into consideration as possible truths.
Cheeseburger_Bandit: I think you beat yourself up way too much. You were trying to do something special for her by looking for her favorite flower on Facebook, that in my opinion is in no way a violation of privacy. It seems like she had no idea what she was talking about, or was looking for a way to date someone else. It also seems like you deserve better, so change yer fucken username and feel better.
| 4 | 9 | |
1405808852 | 1405859588 | t3_2b5yjh | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU by checking my girlfriends okcupid account
I'm gay and I met my girlfriend on okcupid. She's amazing. I'm totally in love with her and I think she's perfect in every way.
We've been going through a bit of a rough patch because she has some family issues going on right now and she sort of lets it out on me. I always try to encourage her and make her feel better though.
I thought I would try something today. I figured I would message her on okc like I did when I first started talking to her and pretend like we've never met. I thought it might loosen things up and we could have some fun conversations.
Anyways, she had work this morning and said she woke up late at 10:15 am (that's why she didn't text me good morning). So I texted her for maybe an hour and then said I would talk to her later this evening (I wanted to surprise her and try to start off fresh when I messaged her on okc tonight).
So fast forward to about 30 minutes ago. I go on okc to message her.
Her profile says online at 9:54am today (Which was earlier than she said she even woke up). She changed her relationship status to "single" and she updated her entire profile.
I should have never checked her account. I should have been a better girlfriend. I wish I could take everything I did today back. I've texted, I've called, I've messaged her on facebook and she won't answer anything. I have no idea what to say to her when she finally texts me back. I don't have solid proof that she's cheating on me, but I can't think of any other answer to all of this. I just don't know what to do about anything now.
tl;dr Checked girlfriends okc account so I could have a fresh conversation with her after rough patch in relationship, find things on there that I wish I would have never seen.
EDIT: She finally texted me back. "I changed it to single when I was mad awhile ago and I completely forgot to change it back. I was on there this morning because someone had messaged me, and I updated my shit because I was reading it and just wanted to add stuff?"
I don't know how I'm supposed to react to this.
UPDATE: Hey guys, I was asked to make an update with you the situation turned out so here it is. First off, I want to thank all of you for advice and support. I took everything really seriously and thought this through a lot.
A lot of you were saying that I'm in a abusive relationship. I understand how it may seem that way and I appreciate you all for bringing that possibility to my attention. I do not believe that I am in a abusive relationship. My girlfriend has always been very good to me. It has only been for the past few weeks that we've been having issues like this because she has been stressed with some serious family issues.
Okay, as for the things that I saw yesterday. She sent me a screenshot of a message that she said she opened up yesterday morning. It was simply a "hello" and she did not respond. She said she updated her profile because she still wants to meet new friends with her interests because she doesn't have enough friends and she is really shy. She said that she realized it wasn't right of her to change her status and she doesn't remember exactly when she changed it so that I still don't understand. She promised me that she has not been talking to people on there and I believe her.
Trust has been a big issue for us over the past few weeks, (she has said a few times that she doesn't feel like I trust her enough) and so she asked me to just trust her and let her keep the account. I checked her account again and her status is "seeing someone", her relationship type is "strictly monogamous", and it says she is just looking for friends. I love her and I do still trust her. I am going to try my best to be a better girlfriend and hopefully this situation will not come back to bite me in the ass.
If you all have any further advice after reading my update or want to tell me anything or have me elaborate more, then feel free to inbox me. Thank you so much for your help!
Poop_muffin: Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. In the future, it is a good idea for both parties to deactivate their okc accounts once they've entered into a relationship.
It is unfortunate that she did not have this conversation with you in person, but the future holds great things for you!
ask_if_im_a_sandwich: Was gonna say this, why on earth would you keep an active okc account in a relationship?
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1405811105 | 1405839622 | t3_2b61my | t5_2to41 | 52 | ddironchef: TIFU and Made an old man cry in the bathroom
So this happened a while ago but the memory of the event has lated with me for years. It was the last week before I graduated from college and moved back to the midwest. I was hanging out with a my best friend and fraternity brother at the mall and we were about to go see a movie. It was around christmas and the mall was packed. I remember that we had both been hungry so we made the mistake of chowing down on some sketchy mall food court Chinese food of which we both had eaten a ton. Now with just 15 minutes till the movie started we found ourselves Standing in a long line of men waiting to use the three available stalls in the men's room. Somehow an older gentleman with a walker managed to cram his way between the two of us so we were forced to just stand in line and try to avoid the smell while avoiding making eye contact or conversation after all we did't want to look like pervs. As we were waiting in line I noticed that the Older gentleman in front of me with the walker started to get agitated. I could tell that not all was well there. He was fidgeting around and he proceeded to start letting out little tiny farts every time he took a step further towards the toilet stalls. At first I did my best to ignore them and concentrate on my own impending business, but soon my best friend in front of me began to take notice of the situation and I noticed that he looked as if he was going to start laughing at any moment. I have to admit that it was funny. Just as I thought he was going to loose it, the first stall opened up and my friend went in to do his business. Soon after the other two stalls opened as well and my buddy mr walker and I were finally able to get down to business. All that i will say about the stall was that he had been seeing some rough duty. Before I was able to sit down I had to take some toilet paper and wipe someone else's piss off of the seat before I sat down. Now because the movie was going to soon start and because I knew that there was a long line waiting for my spot I was determined to do my best to get in and out of there asap. I had been on the pot for about two minutes concentrating on moving things around when all of a sudden Im startled by my neighbor the old guy in the stall next to me who proceeds to Bang his walker into the wall of his stall and lets this huge painful moan at the top of his lungs which sends the hair up on top of my head, then he proceeds to let out this huge bowl rattling horribly smelling fart which echoed throughout the bathroom. I am now in complete shock and I then proceed to hear the faintest echoes of my buddy giggling in the other stall, which of course causes me to absolutely loose it and let out a huge annoying laugh at the top of my lungs. This then proceeded to cause a couple of the other retards who were waiting to dump to join in and start howling as well. After I realize what i did I was determined to get the hell out of there as fast as possible to hopefully avoid seeing my neighbor with the walker. Unfortunately this was not to be and I had the horror of meeting him face to face as he proceeded to throw open the stall in which he had been occupying and to my horror he had huge old man tears running down his eyes. THE ONLY thing that made this even worse was the fact that I was following him out of the bathroom I saw his wife and son standing there in line to the movie that we were going to see. As he was obviously upset the son and the wife were trying to get the guy to tell them why he was upset and had been crying. With absolute shame I noticed the old guy whispering to both of them and then to my horror, he lifts his finger up and starts pointing it directly at me, which then resulted the wife and son giving me eye daggers from hell. Needless to say we didn't end up going to the movie but we did both end up getting a good laugh about it later.
Dinosoarman: Why did he get angry at you? You didnt do anything, it was the other fuckwits in the room.
SimplyCole: He laughed first. He started the group laughter.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1405814085 | 1405869044 | t3_2b65ti | t5_2to41 | 29 | Drunkenbath: TIFU by having a drunken bath.
Definitely made a throwaway for this one. This story goes back a few years but after seeing the post about the guy with the marble up his ass in the bathtub, figured I would share my bath story.
I had a typical Saturday night of drinking that was pretty uneventful. The bar where I live has a Denny's right beside it so naturally we all would go there after the bar closes at 2AM where we are. I was pretty obliterated at this point so getting a massive cheddar jalapeño burger from Denny's was obviously a good idea. This thing was amazing. Full of cheesy jalapeñoey goodness. This meal bordered on euphoria. Top that off with some fries and a coke and my night was complete, or almost, I guess.
We left Denny's around 3 and walked home to my place with my buddy who lives around the corner from me. I lived with my parents at the time so I made sure to get in real sneaky-like. The time was somewhere around 3:30.
At this point in time in my life I had this weird thing about having baths when I was drinking. It just always seemed like a good idea. I would rarely have them on normal nights but for whatever reason I would always have them when I was shithammered. This night was no exception and I drew a nice warm bath. Hell, I even through in some bubbles. This bath was tight. Perfect temperature and everything. I was all relaxed and I realized I was pretty fucked up. Why was the room spinning. I was definitely going to pass out but I didn't feel so good either.
***BLACK OUT***
I regained consciousness and I was still in the bath. The bubbles had dissipated and were replaced by chunks of jalapeños, orange goop, French fries and chunks of beef. This shit was dank. To make things worse it smelled like death. But there was such a dilemma with this situation. It was still so warm. I decided staying in the bath was the only option. I sat back and relaxed in my orange coloured bath and my eyelids became heavy again.
***BLACK OUT***
KNOCK, KNOCK!!! Who the fuck was hammering on that door!? Oh shit I am still in the bath and now it's not so warm. In fact this shit is cold and I am covered in puke. My mom and my sister are now up and are yelling through the door. They are questioning the fact that I have been in there for over an hour and they knew I was hammered. I yell "I'm fine just enjoying a bath." My mom wants me out of there as she thinks I'm going to drown. I agree to leave and start draining the bath.
OH SHIT, this puke is chunky and clogging the drain. I start grabbing handfuls of orange goopey puke and hand bombing it to the toilet. I started to get really good at it and I also turned on the shower to get puke off where it is sticking in the bathtub. I am still ass naked and this scene is ridiculous. My mom and sister are constantly visiting to make sure I am alive and are talking about pick locking the door. Things are almost done but man my eyes sure were feeling heavy.
***BLACK OUT***
Owwww wtf my whole body feels like rug burn. I am moving but not by myself. I am naked. Owwwwww. My mom and sister have an ankle each and are dragging me, ass naked, on the carpet back into my room. I am so fucked up at this point I don't put up a fight, let them drag me and crawl myself into my bed, still with some good puke chunks on me the shower missed.
I woke up the next day and was horrified. I didn't look or talk to my mom or sister for weeks. I was 20 years old at the time.
TL:DR I got drunk, went to Denny's, puked in the bath, passed out and my mom and sister dragged my naked ass into my bed.
twojustins: God that is awful. Worst part is, your mom and sister got a nice, pukey, upside down view of your hairy banjo. Something I bet neither of them is willing to openly admit or will forget.....ever.
6romperstomper9: Hairy banjo?
Agent_545: Hairy banjo.
Drunkenbath: Fucking Catalina wine mixer.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1405814101 | 1405885435 | t3_2b65ud | t5_2to41 | 86 | Samsquatch9: TIFU by thinking myself mightier than a flock of seagulls.
You probably know where this is going.
After a late night of drinking, my friends were hung over and wanted to go to the beach today. I woke up still very drunk and said "fuggitlesgotuduhbeash." We are mostly unprepared for this venture, but we were a 15 minute walk from aforementioned beach and figured we would just pick up the necessities at a nearby convenience store. Well, drunk Samsquatch9 got herself a big fuckin shrink-wrapped sammich. Because it looked good at the time and they don't sell Bloody Mary's or Grand Slams at my local 7-11.
I made one good decision in not trying to eat a giant sandwich while walking down the sidewalk, but my glory ends there. We get to the beach and I immediately tear into that son of a bitch like a wild animal. After a minutes, a group of 5 or 6 gulls take interest. I was told after the fact that this was my fault for dropping numerous chunks of my tasty sammich while derping around and stuffing my face. Well, once those damn birds had a taste, they wanted more. Thus begins our battle for dominance.
These brave gulls started their intimidation tactics through the customary swooping and dive-bombing. I was not to be fucked with. I started running a serpentine and clutched my sammich. I, in my ravenous state, never stopped eating. I was the lioness and these fucking winged hyenas were not going to have my kill. My friends, fed up and fearing being associated with this spectacle, yelled for me go to a picnic area nearby that had a covered gazebo. I bolted. That gazebo was my oasis, my sanctuary. I would outrun these sumbitches and smugly eat my sandwich while they cried out in anguish! But I didn't make it that far. In by haste and drunken state, I tripped in the sand and fell. Everything started going in slow motion. My precious sandwich flew from my grasp. I tried to catch it, but to no avail. My sandwich landed in its sandy grave and was immediately surrounded by those fucking birds.
I was furious, to say the least. I knew my sandwich was gone, but I wanted revenge. I kicked at the birds (never connecting) and yelled obscenities. One of my friend ran up to me, no doubt trying to save what little dignity I had left. She came bearing a towel, which she wrapped around me. Turns out after all my fancy maneuvers and falling on my face, a boob decided to come out of my swim top. All of this in front of about 20-30 people. And that, boys and girls, is how I fucked up today.
TL;DR I drunkenly tried to out-maneuver seagulls who were after my sandwich, only to fall on my face, lose said sandwich, and expose a titty.
EDIT: formatting
[deleted]: I coughed out all my soda over my take-home mid-term. But it was worth it.
Samsquatch9: Hope you get top marks! If your prof talks shit, blame seagulls. Nobody likes those pricks anyway.
[deleted]: Thanks, but it's not necessary. This is my last summer before I graduate; I couldn't give less of a shit about this course.
| 4 | 21.5 | |
1405813723 | 1405818701 | t3_2b65cf | t5_2to41 | 5 | iDesaVau: TIFU by NOT watching the new Weird Al video.
genericname1231: You know the Undernet is for things other than child porn right?
You can also get drugs, guns, assassinations...
MennyC123: Also massive amounts of personal info including bank accounts, addresses, and medical info
genericname1231: True, very true.
And then there's the clean side of the Undernet, reserved for those conspiracy theorist nutballs who say the government is after them and suddenly they're holed up in Russia hiding from the government...
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1405816624 | 1405827369 | t3_2b694u | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU By trying to push out more fart at work
So now I'm just sitting here, at the beach, with poop in my shorts hoping that a breeze doesn't alert anyone of my predicament.
liquid_j: Lifeguard?
genericname1231: Poopguard.
kingtoshiro: What if he had to save someone
| 4 | 3 | |
1405812572 | 1405863594 | t3_2b63pq | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by touching up my ex's best friend... while holding my ex in my other arm.
I'm an 18 year old guy and recently I've been getting close again with my ex (lets call her Sarah). Her best friend (lets call her Nadia) and I have also been getting close, they both come round to mine almost everyday to chill and listen to music etc. Nothing was sexual at all and it was all good, which is nice because for the past 7 months me and my ex's relationship has been really messed up (we broke up in december last year).
So today we're chilling under the covers watching a shitty horror film and 'Sarah' is laying her head on my chest, playing with the zipper on my hoodie, and my left hand is on her stomach. I'm resting my right hand on 'Nadias' knee (she's wearing short shorts), who is resting her feet on my dick. So after a while I run my hand slowly down her thigh, expecting her to stop me. I reach her inner thigh and she places her hand on mine, in my stupidity I forget that by this point 'Nadia' is horny AF and in her mind set, has forgotten that this is a bad idea as well.
My hand makes it to her panties, still waiting to be stopped. She starts rubbing her toes up and down my dick, all the while we don't dare make eye contact. I start rubbing her, which makes my heart pump a little faster. Now 'Sarah', up until this point, is completely unaware anything is happening. That was until she felt my heart racing, looks at me and pulls up the cover to see my hand deep between her best friends thighs!
I pull my hand away, 'Sarah' gets up and walks out of the house, me and 'Nadia' follow, trying to think of an excuse for what just happened. Me and Sarah end up arguing in the middle of the street, where I fuck up again by blaming Nadia for leading me on and that I have no feelings and am in no way attracted to Nadia, she says 'thats just messed up' and goes home, followed by Nadia.
In my defense, I later found out Sarah had got off with my best friend at a party a few nights before. Also, every guy wants a piece of Sarah and Nadia, so I did well there...
aboothemonkey: Shoulda fucked Nadia while you had the chance when Sarah was leaving. Dun goofed.
mateocox: This
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1405817100 | 1405994453 | t3_2b69rj | t5_2to41 | 28 | watereol: TIFU by making an ass of myself in front of my family
I was visiting my parents and sister. I was a quiet loner growing up, always kept to myself. They would always tease me about being creepy but then that gradually grew into me being this "School Shooter" archetype because I hit all 6 cylinders and they'd always tease me about that, asking if I shot any kids while I was away at college etc. I was okay with at first but it started to grow on me and start to become hurtful. I never spoke up about it because hey, it's just all harmless teasing in the family and we should all be able to laugh about.
So while I was visiting them today we were eating dinner. They were making jokes again. I eventually got tired of being mocked and told them to stop because it's hurting me. My mom said something like "oh, watereol is getting pissed off better stop now before blah blah blah" I lost it and threw my plate against the wall, called her a cunt, stormed out screaming obscenities and drove back home.
Halfway through the ride home I realized I just acted like a huge bitch and probably added more fuel to the fire. FUCK me.
buchmittens: Yeah, this should be labeled "Today my family fucked up." Maybe your reaction wasn't optimal, but they really ought to respect your wish not to be teased.
devals: "wasn't optimal"??
*My family was teasing me good-naturedly, but for whatever reason it was just really rubbing me the wrong way this night- so I ruined everyone's dinner, destroyed someone else's property, made a huge mess for someone else to clean up, and called my own mother, who has done so much for me (including paying for this free meal they'd taken me out for) a cunt. But they all had it coming- they REALLY oughtta respect MY wish not to be teased!*
I mean, if you think that's ok, then you're probably tacky, too.
(but seriously, the level of *entitlement* with this crowd is stifling. This is absolutely ridiculous. And we wonder how society can be so shitty these days.. )
Omg_Words: Jeez don't rewrite it from a biased perspective or anything.
When something like this has been going on for so long, it's perfectly reasonable for someone to reach their limit. He told them that he had enough, it just shows how immature his family is, as they continue to rile him up for no reason other than its the usual thing they do.
How you can sit there and just call people tacky, without taking their feelings or past experiences into account is frankly quite disgusting.
rightinthepussay: "Don't rewrite it from a biased perspective"
Nobody here can know what is unbiased or biased , except OP.
IMO , the OP's perspective is usually biased so it is rather likely that devals is indeed getting it closer to what really happened than OP.
Omg_Words: Except for the part where he left out how OP asked them to stop. That in itself reveals how biased this account is. Leaving out the fact that OP asked like any responsible adult, makes the story sound completely different so no, I do not agree with that statement.
devals: Uh, no, that has been taken into account.
Have a dose of reality: just because you ask someone to stop doing something short of physical that annoys you (or even hurts you) does NOT mean that they are obligated to oblige you.
As an adult, however, you ARE obligated to suck it up without breaking shit. It would have been more considerate of them to let it drop, sure, but you don't get carte blanche to behave like a violent jackass because "not cool!"
Lol...summer reddit is real..
| 7 | 4 | |
1405815501 | 1405821730 | t3_2b67pm | t5_2to41 | 17 | th0away07192014: TIFU because I moved the security camera at work
I can't believe being a long time lurker. My first POST is a TIFU post. For obvious reason, I'm using a throwaway. This is not a exciting post but a small dumb thing which is my own problem.
TFIU because I moved the security camera which was pointed directly at me. It wasn't always like that but just today, it was pointed directly at me. I grew anxious and I just moved the camera at another direction. I had a interview with the Store Manager and Loss prevention officer shortly after this 'misconduct;. I already caught on to the fact that I'm going to be terminated 'with cause' They say what I did was criminal and I"m afraid it may be escalated to the police and court. I really don't want to be in that situation. So stupid. All my actions were recorded from me grabbing a chair(my image), and draging it across the room (my image) towards the camera,and how its focus and angle was adjusted when I was behind it steping on the chair(no footage of me doing this part), but logicall they can induce that.
The next step would invole the VP of Retail Division interviewing me, probably to officially order the execution axe on me.
I feel so bad and stupid right now. Can I be incriminated? Will my record of employment be tainted with black marks. It is a minimum wage retail job that I have been working for over 3 years.
Appreciate any advice/or any other perspective. I will answer any questions that is not too intrusive. PM's are cool too. Is there any hope? of me keeping job? or at least can I step out of the situation in peace. Just wish this bad feeling in my chest would just go away... >.<
Edit: Thank you everyone for your advice. I think I'm safe from diving into any pitfalls or black holes at this point. I understand now. All this is just a witch hunt and I admitted to owning a black cat and cauldron. That made my day.
crosshairs308: If you didn't commit a crime, I wouldn't worry too much. You might get fired for "misconduct" but it's not the end of the world. Chalk it up to experience, and move on. It's not like it was a huge deal. Just a dumb mistake.
th0away07192014: Would sending a resignation letter before I get interviewed by the VP(who will mostly likely axe me) make the situation better or worse? Can just not show up to work the next work day?
th0away07192014: Can I just handl
Manager Name
Manager's Title
Organization
Address
City, State, Zip Code
Dear Manager Name:
I regret to inform you that I am resigning from my position as [my position name] here immediately for personal reasons. My last day of availability to work is [next working day but I'm schedule for a shift]
Sincerely,
My signed signature
My typed signature
th0away07192014: *can I just hand in*(sorry the format didn't come out right either *sigh
and also [next working day but I"m NOT schedule for a shift]
crosshairs308: Standard etiquette would be a two week notice. Give one copy to your immediate supervisor, one to their immediate supervisor, and or Human Resources, and keep one for yourself. I would strongly suggest two weeks notice. Burning bridges will come back to haunt you later in life. Good luck!
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1405817794 | 1405823586 | t3_2b6aoo | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving my tickets I was trying to sell to a homeless guy.
Me and my brother went to the neighborhood concert in Dallas but when we showed up two hours early the line was already hundreds of people long. We kept debating whether to stay and be packed into the back where we couldn't see the stage all too well, or go see rise of the planet of the apes and then play super smash brothers. Eventually we decided on the latter. My brother set off to sell the tickets for 80 bucks a piece. He was offered a maximum of 30 bucks. He then sent me to try my hand at selling the tickets. I have grown up in a small rural town all my life and now I was bargaining on the street side in Dallas, and I guess this homeless guy sensed it. He asked to see my tickets. I hand them over. He says he can give 50 dollars. I'm elated I beat out my brother. He gives his guy a call. It goes to voicemail. He says he will be right back with the money. He doesn't come back. My brother is still berating me.
Tl;Dr I went to a concert with my brother and we backed out. I tried to sell the tickets and a homeless guy tricked me and took them.
TrustMePunk: he's at the venue trying to sell them. go smash his skull.
darth_brick: jesus christ...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405820149 | 1405825913 | t3_2b6du2 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a stripper a secret
I told her a woman had never gotten me off before and was also getting blue balls. The pain was soo bad that I could hardly walk. She, from what I could tell by both her words and body language, wanted to help. I bought a few dances for what I figured would be a good time. After sitting down, she instantly knees my right testicle send me into a crippling pain. The next 5-10 minutes were filled with pain, suffering and anger. She wasn't nice about it and hardly cared for her patron. Might have ruined strip clubs for the rest of my life.
*note: I know strippers are not prostitutes, but at certain places the the line is extremely thin.
ThoracicPork: You do realize she did that intentionally because you're a creep, right?
gingerbeef7: I know she did it intentionally, but it wasn't my idea to do it. Peer-pressure is a bitch.
ThoracicPork: Learning experience - next time don't be a creep. Fuck your friends, they were just looking for a laugh anyway.
gingerbeef7: Out of six people, I was the only one not to get off.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1405821022 | 1405882263 | t3_2b6ez5 | t5_2to41 | 104 | 5000dollasuit: TIFU By Swallowing Semen
It all started on a Thursday evening when a group of friends and I decided that we should all go camping for the weekend. As arranged i'd be sharing a tent with my friend, let's call him Mike. So Friday arrives and all is well we light a fire, drink some beers, go on a walk around this forest area and then return to our tents to sleep and repeat the same process over again until Sunday.
Because i'm sharing a tent with Mike i didn't want to masturbate so i just put it off but as every male will understand (I'm 20) it gradually builds up if you don't release. So once Sunday came around i was instantly back in the house ready to blow my load. I lay on my back on my bed with the tissues beside me and my TV playing some raunchy material. After a while i begin to feel the climax arriving and as mentioned before with the combination of it building up over the weekend and me having my mouth wide open due to reaching orgasm a large trail of semen traveled from the tip of my penis at some speed into my mouth. It had managed to bypass teeth, tongue etc and straight to the back of my throat instantly making me gag and swallow my own semen. I'll be keeping my mouth closed from now on!
TL;DR - I accidentally gave myself a cum-shot.
CollaterLDamage: .......so howd it taste?
5000dollasuit: Rather salty.. With the texture of the mucus from your nose. Not at all pleasant! Woman deserve alotta respect for giving blowjobs!
genericname1231: As a guy, it's my humble opinion that guys should give themselves a taste before asking ladies for a blow..
And yes, semen has a nasty texture and depending on what you eat, a nasty smell and flavor too.
zankTHEpunk: Totally agree with you on this one. I think its disgusting how many guys take stuff like this for granted and want girls to swallow their load without even knowing what it tastes like. I get even more annoyed when i read or hear conversations about guys complaining their gfs dont want to swallow.
genericname1231: If you cut dairy from your diet it gets better..
| 6 | 17.333333 | |
1405824457 | 1405851529 | t3_2b6jjt | t5_2to41 | 5 | Terry_Spargin: TIFU by drinking too much
Aintit_fun: What triggered you? Please elaborate.
Terry_Spargin: I honestly don't know. I remember drinking with my father and his friend, and having a glass of irish whisky. I am thoroughly known to be entirely off limits on whisky, it makes me throw up alway, and really unstable. My father tossed a wood screw, foundesitation, ga somewhere that I do not know of, onto the table. I picked it up and drew it across with no intent. It was nowhere near as dangerous or destructive as I used to be, but it did make me realise after the fact just what i DID.
Aintit_fun: Obviously violence is a factor. I say this from experience from drug and alcohol abuse the slightest toss of a pen will sometimes set me off into a violent episode. Do you have trauma from a abuser as a child?
Terry_Spargin: Yeah. My entire life has been classified by multiple psychologists as abusive by one parent and neglective by another. So yes, a history of abuse.
| 5 | 1 | |
1405825486 | 1405827021 | t3_2b6kty | t5_2to41 | 30 | Snareplayar: TIFU by texting a girl after a date...
This coworker and I have been getting really close lately. Occasionally kissing after work and texting a lot. Well, tonight we went on our first real date. Great time, at first. Her phone starts going off and she responds to every text, while I, like any good person at a dinner with someone, leave my away. Whatever. Then she gets a call, answers it at dinner. Ok, whatever maybe she's just attached to the phone. We played pool for a bit, continue texting. It's and bar and I'm six months from being 21 (she is 21) so I have to leave at 10. Well turns out the person she was texting was the next guy she was going to get drinks with after, he just walked up while I was talking to her and she just said wait outside. So 10 rolls around I pay for her food and all her fucking alcohol and then peace out. I then, as a joke, text her "two dates in 1 night? impressive" because I didnt think she was that kinda person. Well, she snapped and told me to fuck off. I really like her and well I fucked that up. Oh well I move in a month.... I'm not sure if I fucked up but I feel like I did.
tl;dr got a girl mad at me cause she invited another date, during ours.
2dv459: Move on. You don't want a D*$@& #&%&@h
Snareplayar: Never heard of one of those, but they sound nasty :P, thanks Ima try to quickly.
2dv459: urcti.. try to unscramble. Cheat, at least you don't have an STD, hopefully.
Snareplayar: Nope clean as a whistle!
Edit: accidentally typed the letter "I".
| 5 | 6 | |
1405826226 | 1405828346 | t3_2b6lq3 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking in on my brother with his wife doing it doggy style.
So I literally walked out of the house for a min and realize their dog got out so I brought the dog back to the house. I then proceeded to walk to the backyard where he was suppose to be starting the grill. I then see them in the position and going at it. He then turns and looks at me and I drop the dog turn around and meet my wife in the car. This happened 5 min ago and I am just picking up beet for our dinner with them tonight.
HitlerWasASensitiveM: All the salad dressing and meat sauces are homemade. Secret ingredient is your brother's...
6romperstomper9: OP, you missed your chance to turn a grill into a spit roast.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405826689 | 1405846816 | t3_2b6mce | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU - By being to dumb to safely wash my dishes
So, I have no bowls clean, so naturally, i go to wash them. When i go to wash them i naturally use hot water. Burning hot water. I use the Spraying Jet thing with the hose. First Fuck up: i sprayed myself with burning hot water from the hose thing. So later during this, im washing the bowl, and when i go to turn the bowl over to rinse the bottom, i forget to turn the water off, Spraying my hand with burning hot water from the faucet hose. I then jolt from burning myself, and accidently spray myself with water. Again. My Final Fuck up, after which i declared myself too retarted to do my own dishes, is when i reached for the spoon, and turned off the hose. My hand was right under the faucet. I Burned myself for the 3rd time. From the sensation of "Ow, Shit that burns" I Turn on the Hose, While pointing it at myself, Burning myself with water, for the Fourth time. All this for a bowl of cereal. How am i this retarted?
OldieButNotMoldy: Some people are just gifted lol
[deleted]: "Specially" Gifted. Its okay, i know im stupid, but atleast im smart enough, to know that im stupid. The Same cannot be said for many, unfortunatly.
OldieButNotMoldy: Don't feel too bad I'm one of the gifted crowd as well lol
[deleted]: While searching for something related to this, i found [This](http://www.funniestmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/Funniest_Memes_what-if-putin-is-black-and-obama-is-white_17144.jpeg). Yeah.
OldieButNotMoldy: That was sooo weird it may give me nightmares now lol
[deleted]: Don't say nightmares. My Want to link you Liveleak video's now exists. Please watch none of these Obligatory links. [link](http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=969_1263249923). Another [Link](http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c5f_1309711220&comments=1). Another [Link](http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=809_1395163651). However this [Link](http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=660_1403098445) is Good. Justice served.
OldieButNotMoldy: Those first ones are terrible. But those first ones are terrible. Still amazes me the stuff people do to each other. I could see if they did you really horrible but some just love to inflict pain on others because they can.
[deleted]: Yeah, All but that last one are bad. The Last one is justice. Someone has a gun and is threataning you? Nothing better a justice then one shot in the head. Not your head. his....[Fuck this.](http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/03/Fuck-This-GIF.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/HollowHandsomeArcticfox](http://gfycat.com/HollowHandsomeArcticfox)
---
^(GIF size: 772.09 kiB) ^| ^(GFY size:49.30 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 10 | 1.5 | |
1405825930 | 1405964241 | t3_2b6ld9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | mightbdone: TIFU by trash talking the girl I was dating to my ex gf
So here's the story.
I recently broke up with my now ex gf, the relationship wasn't working for me anymore although there was nothing majorly wrong with it (no abuse, no one cheated etc). It was one of those gut feelings people have that we just weren't right together. I met and began dating a great girl who I really like. Being with new girl has been really great but I've noticed some differences between her and my ex, none of them deal breakers or issues, just differences.
It didn't happen at first but because I hadn't broken up with my gf that long ago she began creeping into my thoughts. Partly because she texts me from time to time and partly because I am reminded of her a lot. I began feeling like I should've done more to fix our relationship and was worried about having regrets about not doing everything I could.
I talked to my ex and admitted to her the second thoughts I had been having because I was feeling vulnerable and she asked me where I was with things in between her and I. I mistook my second thoughts for wanting my ex back, and I told her that was what I wanted although deep down I wasn't sure. I then ended up back tracking and telling my ex I needed time to figure out if she was really what I wanted. My ex and I were talking about the people we've been with since breaking up, and how they weren't as good. (For the record I think new girl is every bit as good as my ex if not better but I thought at the time I wanted to be with my ex so it didn't matter what I said) I downplayed how great I think new girl was and also said some things that were true and some that weren't. True: my ex has a better body than new girl. False: my ex is smarter than new girl. I also told my ex details about new girl, and the time me and her had spent together (left out all the many great things, only said negative).
All along I had been planning to tell new girl that I felt guilty as hell trying to move forward with her while I was still thinking about my ex. Afterall it wasn't fair to her. So I told her I needed space to figure out what I wanted, and she respected that. But she was very upset.
The next day I did a lot of thinking and realized I didn't want my ex back at all. I realized I wanted new girl. So I went and talked to new girl and told her although I wanted space I was planning on picking up where we left off together. This made her very happy because she thought I was walking away forever.
The next day I told my ex I didn't want her back and the shit hit the fan. She emailed new girl and said you don't want to be with someone who talks shit about you behind your back. I came clean and explained everything to new girl before my ex emailed anything else. At first it was okay but as time has gone on new girl has naturally become very cross with me. She's not so much upset by what I said but the fact that I disrespected her that badly. She told me she has no room for people like that in her life, and walked away. I don't blame her one bit, and I am a total fucking idiot. I've been trying to patch things up with new girl but I believe it all to be in vain. At least I've learned my lesson, but this was the worst possible way I could have.
TL;DR: I shit talked the wonderful girl I was dating to my ex gf. New girl found out about it and said we're done. I'm a fucking scumbag.
6romperstomper9: Loose lips - sink ships!
spottedmusic: wth... so that's what the saying means!? I've been called a big mouth a few times. .. But i have definitely learned to keep my mouth closed.
OP, I had a similar experience. I too learned the hard way and even though it sucks, it might have been the best way to learn.
Hopefully you can get back the new girl but if not; understand what you did wrong and learn from your mistakes :).
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405827822 | 1405846839 | t3_2b6nvh | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my freinds gf and my gf's best freind that she has no tits.
welp it looks like i fucked up. i was talking to my freind and he made a joke about boobs and the first thing that came to my mind to make a joke about his girlfreinds chest, which is pretty flat. and of course my freind made a fucking scene about it in a skype call so they basically interigated us and of course my friend broke. me being as lucky as i am my friend said a hint in the call instead of letting me defuse the situation and she guessed what i said. she then left the call went on do not disturb and wont answer anyone. GREAT JUST FUCKING GREAT. i need your help reddit i need to know how to make it up to her srry for wall of text but i srsly fucked up. Also my freind browses this subreddit regularly so if you see this hey and im still stupid.
tl;dr im a complete dumbass and now a freind wants me to go die in a hole
username_________: I have no idea why it would be funny to make fun of of your girlfriend's chest...
EpicBeanBoy: its what guys do to give each other shit. he didn't actually mean it, he was just saying that to his friend to be funny. why his friend would make a big deal out of it is beyond me
6romperstomper9: Cause his friend has small penis syndrome!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1405827088 | 1405847609 | t3_2b6mw6 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By eating too much bread at once
About an hour ago, I was bussing tables at a local restaurant. Well, there's free bread that we serve to the customers as they sit down. Usually after cleaning tables, there's still some bread left over, which waiters, waitresses, and table bussers snack on in the kitchen.
I really love that bread (until now), and I'd always grab a big wad of it and try to swallow it. It usually works fine, sometimes I struggle to get it down, but 99% of the time it was fine.
Until Now. I was in a hurry, so I grabbed a bit too much and squished it up and ate it all. Big mistake. I immediately realize, 'Oh shit, it's stuck. I'm choking!". I try swallowing - Stuck. I try coughing it up - Stuck. I immediately knew I fucked up.
I ran to the waiter, Rosario, and I said with a slightly muffled voice, as my throat was blocked with bread with the same density as iron, "Rosario! I'm choking! Help me!"
So Rosario pats me on the back, and then tries the Heimlich Maneuver on me. It doesn't work. My boss took me back into the kitchen and we got several people to try it on me. It didn't work. I say in front of the trash can for about 5 minutes, crying, spitting, and seeing my life flash before my eyes as I wait for 911 to arrive.
They were relatively quick, but it felt like forever. They took me out to the ambulance, meanwhile, one of the waitresses drove to my house to tell me parents I was choking. My dad drove up to the restaurant seconds after I threw the piece of bread up.
So my throat is still sore, I have a big headache from all the screaming I was doing, and I probably won't consume bread ever again. At least, not all at once.
The moral of this story: Chew your food
**TL;DR: TIFU Ate too much bread at once, started choking, almost went to hospital, but I threw it up right as they were about to take me**
AdeptSnake: You dumbass! ...now that being said, good thing you didn't die, choking is some scary shit, nobody wants to get ended by food, that stuffs supposed to keep you alive...
Really though, were you just inflicted with some ravenous hunger you had to satiate? I usually try to savor things I like, if that were me I'd have been like "fuck work, time to enjoy me some o' this bread"
zimra: It's a catering thing, you're surrounded by food but have no time to eat it. Most places don't give the staff proper breaks either. So everyone gets into the habit of cramming the nearest edible thing into their mouth that they can. Lump of dry bread? Eh, I haven't eaten in 6 hours and there's still 150 people to sit down. Down the hatch it goes.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405831220 | 1405886420 | t3_2b6s2a | t5_2to41 | 74 | titty_fuck_squadron: TIFU by ordering gay porn on my bosses Amazon account
Had to make a throwaway for a couple reasons...
Typical day at the office: Getting paid $28/hr to browse reddit and drink coffee for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. I came across a thread on 4chan about a guy who ordered a bunch of gay porn and used a third party to have it anonymously sent to one of his friends' weddings as their gift. Thought this idea was hilarious.
Anyway, my PC was getting repaired for the day so my boss told me he had a new one hooked up at my desk for me to use. It looked like the exact same Lenovo T420 that I had been using, and I forgot that my own was in service. Anyway, I logged into the network and hit up Amazon to purchase some videos of dudes sucking cock.
I add a couple to my cart and order. Done! Just had to wait until they arrived so I could forward them through the third party to my best friends wedding.
Anyway, my boss comes into the engineering department 2 days later furious as to who ordered a bunch of gay porn on his Amazon account. He found out that someone in the engineering room had accessed his account somehow.
Anyway, he said he is gonna cut the bonuses of our whole department if nobody confesses by Tuesday, and that he is gonna fire whoever did it.
**TL;DR Ordered gay porn on bosses amazon account, boss is cutting all of our bonuses**
happyayesir: Wow, I wish I could get paid $28/hr to browse reddit and drink coffee for 8hrs/day for 40hrs/wk.
Mr_Yolo_Swaggins: I get paid $0/hr to browse reddit and do nothing 24/7
Zanacross: Really is a wonderful job eh?
| 4 | 18.5 | |
1405832468 | 1405862591 | t3_2b6tj0 | t5_2to41 | 17 | WestPirate: TIFU by eating chocolate covered coffee beans right before bed
I am a dumbass. I did groceries late yesterday, and picked up a new treat of dark chocolate covered coffee beans... to have a few in the afternoons to perk me up after work. Well. As I was cooking dinner my sugar craving was off the charts and they were sitting there in their little jar... I ate all of them. This was at 2200 and now it's 0200 and I can't sleep! I'm running a 5km charity race early tomorrow morning and I'm going to be a wreck if I can't shut down, stop browsing reddit, and get some fucking sleep.
*EDIT* well that went better than expected... http://imgur.com/YO1I9bm
Teotwawki69: Find a late night market that sells them, grab a supply for the morning, then start chowing down again about an hour before the race.
WestPirate: Got my coffee it was enough!
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1405836191 | 1405865364 | t3_2b6xfw | t5_2to41 | 39 | shittiest_scientist: TIFU by telling a kid running magnets over his computer would speed it up.
I was in a group SMS, and he said his computer had been slow. being the smartass I am, I told him he needed to run strong magnets over it a few times. I expected he would realise I was joking, but no. He asked me to come to his house and see what was wrong. He actually took two large magnets and ran them over his laptop. I acted like I didn't know what was wrong, and left.
tl;dr: told a guy jokingly to run magnets over his computer, he actually did it.
[deleted]: What does that do? I know on Myth Buster's they tried wiping a harddrive with magnets but were only successful when they used a heavy duty electromagnetic that required a crane.
shittiest_scientist: What the hell kind of HDD did they use? Cause it was two magnets, about half a pound each.
[deleted]: Of course I can't find the episode... no luck with the episode guide. If anyone that has seen the episode would like to chime in, I wouldn't feel so defeated.
habitual_viking: While OP might have gotten the kid to use magnets, any effect he claims they might have had is utterly bullshit.
You need some seriously heavy duty [degauser](http://www.garner-products.com/harddrive.htm) to kill data on a hard drive, it is much easier to just [heat](http://magician.ucsd.edu/essentials/WebBookse59.html) it or [shred](https://www.semshred.com/hard_drive_shredders_dept) it.
Remember, for a hard drive to work, it is already using some pretty strong rare earth magnets.
zars15: They are just regular neodymium magnets, I've got my hands on several dead HDDs and disassembled them. They're pretty nice magnets nonetheless.
habitual_viking: It's still rare earth, still powerful and still doesn't change the fact that you can't destroy a drive from the outside, unless you have heavy duty machinery.
zars15: I haven't tested myself, but the disc is quite close to the top, so perhaps you could mess it up like that. But in this case, with laptop it seems unlikely. Wouldn't it break other hardware thought?
habitual_viking: The power of a magnet drops by the distance squared. You won't mess up a hard drive with anything in your house, short of taking it apart and putting the magnet directly on the platter - and even then, you will only be marginally successful if you have some powerful magnets. (unless you of course happen to have a degauser in your garage)
| 9 | 4.333333 | |
1405836326 | 1405896785 | t3_2b6xl4 | t5_2to41 | 632 | cherylishappy: TIFU by trying to prank my friend who'd left his Facebook open.
I was over at my buddy house and he had left his Facebook open. So naturally I had to mess with his status. I had been waiting so long for an opportunity because I thought I had a really decent idea. (Something I'd actually seen here on Reddit.) So I posted something along the lines of, "Hey for those of you who don't know, Andy's in the hospital. He's doing fine, but I just wanted to say that his operation was today. Everything went well. They successfully removed a total of 326 dildo's from his butt hole."
So yeah, all fun in games until his neighbors saw it. They were on their phone, and could only see like the first two lines. Apparently they all chipped in and got him some sort of care package. I feel like such a dick right now.
nickantt: Would've been hilarious if the care package contained a few more dildos..
Purp_pigeon: And some lube.
Nixolas: "Next time use lube."
PassiveFire: Surprisingly they *do not* have a hallmark card with this message
LovesBigWords: See, for that sentiment, you need to buy him a Ho-mark card.
AlphaMeese: /r/badjokes
LovesBigWords: Damnit, I knew I shouldn't have thrown that hyphen in there!
| 8 | 79 | |
1405836835 | 1405897459 | t3_2b6y25 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by swatting at a fly.
So there has been this fly hanging around the house for the past couple of hours, eluding all means of discovery and death. Dejected from my time chasing this winged unicorn, I sat down to contemplate strategy. As I sat and pondered, the crazy bastard decided to land right on top of my junk. Not thinking, I slapped my unprotected crotch as hard as I could, only to find the familiar balls in stomach agony you'd receive by getting punched fair in the testicles. The worst part is, the fly isn't dead and my SO is still laughing.
christ0fer: At least you weren't trying make meth with that thing buzzing around. It would ruin your whole day.
Nuncestmmxiv: you gotta get over that railing at kill it with your swat-stick
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1405836749 | 1405837263 | t3_2b6xzm | t5_2to41 | 3 | GreatTornado: TIFU by saying "Eeyup"
SlavicHavoc: what are you 12?
GreatTornado: I *might* be...
| 3 | 1 | |
1405839798 | 1405848756 | t3_2b70te | t5_2to41 | 28 | ScooberSteve: TIFU by having a wank
Ok so this just happened and I'm in a lot of pain right now. I have just finished preparing dinner for my wife and I while she is out. I love to cook especially spicy foods and tonight I used 2 habanero chillies. Now after preparing dinner I decided I felt like a little alone time so I got on the net and went to one of my favourite sites for free porn found a video and started rubbing one out.
Half way through my fap session I started to feel something not quite right. The burning began to intensify and now its burning out of control and I don't know how to stop it.
ChicBrit: Stick it in milk!!!
ScooberSteve: does this work?
ChicBrit: Try it and let us know!!! Can't do any harm......
ScooberSteve: I currently having it sit in a tub of ice cream... I can't stand the flavour of it and it is my wife's. So far feels weird but the burning is subsiding a little.
Username__Irrelevant: You're gonna put it back without telling her and wait until she opens it and sees an imprint of your dick aren't you?
ScooberSteve: damn straight I am.
6romperstomper9: Flavor? Hokey Pokey?
ScooberSteve: Nah Rum Rasin
ieandrew91: Not even your burning dick deserves that flavor
| 10 | 2.8 | |
1405840283 | 1405864196 | t3_2b718l | t5_2to41 | 2 | thedudethedudegoesto: TIFU by messaging a gorgeous waitress
I've been frequenting this bar for a few weeks, and this waitress is absolutely stunning, she's a sweetheart, and after chatting with her today, I found out she went to school with someone I know. So when I got home I hopped on facebook and checled that friends shit, and saw that she was also mutual friends with another person. Drunken me was like "cool, she knows tony!" So I sent her a message like "hey, you know tony as well! Awesome!"
Only now am I realizing how much of a fuckup that is. She read the message, didn't reply back.
Am I totally fucked, or what? I should probably not go back to that bar haha
[deleted]: Come up with something better than that, next time? Also, what you said translates to this, to a girl's mind:
"Hi, despite only knowing you as a waitress I find you physically attractive and to avoid coming across as a FB-stalking-creep I will use this mutual acquaintance as leverage, hoping that you actually hold that guy in such high esteem that you'd want to bang anyone that also knows him".
Effort, man, effort.
thedudethedudegoesto: Waking up this morning, I can honestly say that you are 100% correct. Even this post was lazy. The gist of it, I suppose, is that I should seriously reconsider the whole "get drunk and use my phone" thing.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1405839603 | 1405843193 | t3_2b70nl | t5_2to41 | 21 | sennzz: TIFU by leaving my laptop unlocked with toddler daughters
I have 3 daughters (twins of 2,5 years old and a newborn baby). The twins are a handful and although they don't really behave badly, they tend to test their limits and can be full of mischief.
I'm a It consultant and this weekend I'm doing some work for a big client of my company. More specific: a large migration (millions of documents, TB's of data) of an old system to a new one. I'm doing this from home.
While my wife was feeding the baby and the twins were playing with their dolls I decided to take a quick shower.
As the title already cleary states, I forgot to lock my laptop. One of the twins had climbed on the chair and somehow managed to
- stop the migration process (it's a batch window)
- delete one of the source folders of data (delete process was still busy so not all was lost)
- hibernate my laptop so it took me minutes longer to see what she had done and try to fix it
**TL;DR I was doing a large migration for a client on their production environment. Went to take a shower, forgot to lock laptop. Daughter canceled migration and deleted data**
Flexible_Perplexity: What about the recycling bin? Did you check that? Or is it some sort of "permanent delete" predicament?
sennzz: Luckily indeed, the delete impact was minimal because of Windows: it first calculates for about a million years before it actually deletes so there weren't that many documents missing. And the ones that were missing I could restore from recycle bin.
I did have to restart the migration. It skips already processed documents, but still cost me alot of time.
Flexible_Perplexity: Hooray! Better late than never!
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1405841050 | 1405849891 | t3_2b71vm | t5_2to41 | 19 | ahomadeuhi: TIFU by hooking up with a guy wouldn't take responsibility for his own shit
Went to a party - took many many shots and ended up in the bed of a cute guy who I had known for a few hours. Story of my life post freshman year of college. We fooled around but did not have sex. I think we both passed out by 3 am.
In the wee hours of the morning I woke up to his hand brushing against my bare butt-cheeks. This alarmed me because I had gone to bed with my underwear on. Still very groggy I tried to wriggle away and roll onto my other side. I hear him mutter something like "No no no no..." and then I smelled the shit. I guess I don't have a sense of smell until I've been awake for a few seconds, but once I did, the smell of feces TORE INTO MY NOSTRILS.
"What the fuck?" I opened my eyes and sat up on the bed. And sat onto a massive log of shit. A massive log of shit inside my own underwear. Actually the log was so massive that it was halfway in my underwear and halfway resting on the small of my back.
Regardless, once I sat down it was smeared on my butt, the inside of my underwear, on a generous portion of my back and all over this guy's pillow and bed sheets.
Girls shit. And my shits have been pretty much the same for about 8 years. Over the course of those 8 years I've gotten fairly familiar with my own shit. THIS WAS NOT MY SHIT.
In the heat of the moment, I did not have these eloquent thoughts. I just assumed that if my erstwhile hookup was willing to cram his fecal matter into my underwear, he was willing to murder/torture/rape me. A reasonable assumption IMHO. So without even bothering to acknowledge his attempts to save the situation, I grabbed my phone, sandals. and shorts and bolted from the house. I remember his lips moving rapidly, but honestly it just sounded like bubuhuvbubshitshityoushitishitbuhbuhgetoutbuhbuhshit.
Thank god, my place was only a fifteen minute waddle away. Would have been a five minute jog, but the feeling of another person's feces chafing on your butt and dripping down the back of your thigh makes you walk kinda funny.
Took a 45 minute shower, used half a bar of soap, threw out my underwear and shorts and went to bed. Worst part is the guy is loosely in my social circle and I will probably have to see him again.
genericname1231: >Girls shit.
Okay.
Do they fart too?
My girlfriend swears they don't fart.
6romperstomper9: They fart rose petals. Didn't you know that?
ieandrew91: Not mine..... I can tell you that right now
6romperstomper9: Nor mine. But that's what she says.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1405841285 | 1405939316 | t3_2b722r | t5_2to41 | 14 | forcerecon24: TIFU by getting a hand job with new lotion...
A few days ago I ran out of lotion in my house. While I was at heb I went down the aisle with the lotions and deodorant essentials. My usual stuff is kind of expensive so being broke as fuck I went with a new cheaper lotion. Fast forward to last night where my girlfriend is giving me a handy with the new lotion. It tingles in a slightly unpleasant way, but I'm getting jacked off so I'm not gonna tell her to stop. After cumming all over her we just wipe off the jizz and go to sleep. I wake up in the morning and my cock is itching and burning like crazy! So I run to the bathroom and see red splotches all on my dick. Looks a lot like chaff so I don't freak out too bad. So I shower and when I get out of the shower what does my dumb ass do? I cover my cock in the new lotion to heal the chaff a bit. I worked 12 hours today and only pissed once really fast and didn't get a good look at my piece cause the bathrooms at work are very dark. But when I get home the itching is uncontrollable. I run in the bathroom drop my drawers and reveal what looks like a snake skin that had just been shed. My dick had angry red marks and is covered in dead skin. The only thing I can figure happened was an allergic reaction to the lotion that intensified over the 12 straight hours that my Johnson was covered in that poison... Fml I don't know what to do guys.
TheThingsIThink: Use olive oil. Nothing bad in that, right?
forcerecon24: I've always heard coconut oil is good for that.
TheThingsIThink: Yes, but its solid below 78. And where I live that's almost year round.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1405841435 | 1405843227 | t3_2b7278 | t5_2to41 | 20 | Thesatcher: TIFU by Waking My SO Up Screaming in Her Face.
Back story first, since Ive been a little kid I've had night terrors. If you don't know what those are they're pretty much your brain having a nightmare while your mind slips into a twilight sleep. You can see most of your surroundings except for some hallucinations like maybe your dog is a demon, Or you see a giant roulette wheel and it keeps landing on death.
The thing to remember most about night terrors is that all that debilitating terror you normally have is right there with you but now you can MOVE AROUND WITH IT.
I had stopped having night terrors around 7 and then all of sudden started having them again very sporadically when I was 19 due to some crazy shenanigans happening with some guys who used to be best friends.
The fuck up?
I was asleep dreaming of random things. From what I can remember of the dream I was in a cabin by myself when all of a sudden a giant monster appeared right in front of me I grabbed it and started screaming like I was on fire. FUCKING LOUD. I see a second monster enter the room and hear a familiar voice say "Tony, Tony calm down calm down!" I realize it's my SO'S brother's voice.
I just screamed bloody fucking murder in my SO'S parents house at 3 in the morning. Oh and did I mention I screamed in my SO'S FACE. Btw she was asleep before I grabbed her by the shoulders and screamed murderous terror while looking like SHE was death.
I'm now sitting here both of us unable to sleep after I consoled her bsck from a panic attack and told her brother everything's ok....
Tldr; Had a night terror and woke my SO up screaming in her face while clutching her shoulders.
I need fucking help.
Aintit_fun: You need to stop drinking.
Thesatcher: I really don't drink too often. Not heavily really at all.
Username__Irrelevant: So what were the 'crazy shenanigans'?
Thesatcher: I was in a touring band back then (I'm 22 now) with 3 of my best friends at the time. Due to a loy of money issues and ideological issues I had to leave the band. Let's just say the break up was so bad that after it went down in Georgia I walked 2 miles in the rain with what I could carry to a hotel and took a 2 day greyhound home.
I had been in the band for about 8 years and it really was all I was. So after losing the only driving force in my life as well as my best friends (they didn't take it too well and refused to talk to me) I kinda had a big problem emotionally. Went to therapy and what not to get it figured out had night terrors pretty often back then but they slowly went away.
| 5 | 4 | |
1405843164 | 1405851068 | t3_2b73k4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU: By being horny
TIFU :(
So I'm going to make this as quick as possible for everybody
I was getting hungry and decided to get an early morning "snack".
What I ended up doing was making chicken and french fries,I end up getting horny waiting for the food to cook and get an oven mit and stick it in the toaster oven. I wait 20 seconds and stick it down my pants. Big fucking mistake. The tip of my penis gets blasted with a 400 degree oven mit and oh my god does it hurt like hell. It only happened 30 minutes ago and I've doused it with lotion and rubbed it in a little. But what happened when I rubbed it in? Boner. Excruciating pain courses through my spawn hammer and I decide to submit my first fuck up. Chicken was good though.
tl;dr Got horny put hot oven mit on penis and burned it.
Peter_rodrigues: I dunno but why would you stick a hot oven mit down your pants? Whenever im horny I just jerk off. Were you expecting a different sensation or something?
parchy32: I was really expecting some weird sensation.I read something like that in a magazine. I'm going to blame magazines for my scorched penis.
| 3 | 5 | |
1405845534 | 1405885119 | t3_2b75el | t5_2to41 | 25 | MinisterPhobia: TIFU when I became an accidental anti-Semite
I met this girl, online, a few days ago and we talked a great deal. It seemed that we had a great deal of interests in common, we were both very attracted to each other, and we could hold a very good conversation with each other without it becoming a heated argument.
We decided that today, Saturday, July 19, 2014, would be our first date. We met for lunch, talked more, then went for a walk in a nearby park. I knew things were going well when she decided to hold my hand.
A little background on me: I grew up as a computer nerd in high school before the internet. There's a lot of stereotypes that I hit pretty well, but, the important one was that I had no social skills at all. Though this has improved over the years, I was hiding from my classmates during the years when most people are figuring out the social order and how to interact. This means that I don't read people very well and it's hard for me to determine if a date is going well unless she hits me with a clue-by-four.... or holds my hand.
Back to our story...
We find a bench, sit and talk more, enjoy the day, the views, and each other. We kiss a little, but not too much, and the chemical rush hits our brains and we're smiling more than either of us have done in some time.
She was going to be having dinner with her friend, so, when the time came to part ways, she called her friend, made an excuse, and after hanging up, she turned to me and declared that her evening just freed up and she would love to spend it with me.
I agree. I agree, emphatically. At that moment, I was possibly the happiest nerd alive.
Trying to be all sly and let the sex be her idea, I ask her what she wants to do with the evening. Unfortunately, she misses the cue, or is playing hard to get, and suggests and exhibit at a small local art gallery. They are showing a series of World War II Photos that have been digitally enhanced and colorized by an artist that she idolizes.
This sounds like a good idea, to me. Anything that makes her like/want me more is a good thing at this point.
Clearly, I'm no longer thinking with the correct head. This means that my wits and self-control have reduced, which leads to the situation at hand.
The exhibit has been broken down into areas of focus from WWII. There's a section of photos of men with their machines of war, one for the leaders addressing their people, one for the "horrors of war" like dead bodies with parts missing, medic aid stations and surgery rooms with people in various levels of disassembly or reassembly.
Then there's the section where I fucked up, and fucked up good. We enter the section that shows the concentration camps. Pictures of Jews and other people unwanted by the Nazis, being herded like cattle into stadium-sized cages. Photos of the conditions in which they were kept, and the results of starvation on their bodies.
Really, these are some of the worst photos that could have come out of WWII, and here they are in highly enhanced resolutions and full color.
This is where a memory hits me. I have some truly horrible friends. A couple of them like to browse 4chan on a regular basis. One of them sends me pictures. Like this one (NSFW): http://i.imgur.com/WIAh8hp.jpg
This is where I begin to giggle. And draw stares. And the giggling gets worse, and the stares get worse, and now the girl is giving me a shocked look. Survival instinct kicks in and now I'm looking for a way out, but not before the giggling gets worse.
I can hear people behind me talking about how horrible of a person I am, and how I should be arrested. There's other talk that I can't hear, including some angry arguing. At the last moment, before I exit the building, I turn and look back and there's the girl, arguing with an elderly man. She appears to be defending me.
I quickly cross the street, almost get hit by a truck, and then text her to let her know where I am and that I will gladly apologize and explain when she gets here.
She arrives, I show her the above image and explain about my horrible friends. She starts giggling.
Yep, she's a keeper.
TLDR: I'm a horrible horrible person with even worse friends that make me giggle at pictures of Jews in Concentration Camps. But at least I've found a girl that agrees that it's funny.
EDIT: Added NSFW tag to image.
genericname1231: Dear Dairy,
Today I met a girl who thinks antisemite jokes are funny.
Today was a good day.
rightinthepussay: Upvote for Dear Dairy
doITphaggit: Gotta love dat milk
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1405847402 | 1405970298 | t3_2b76pw | t5_2to41 | 19 | tacticalsnackpack: TIFU by speed-walking with a shopping cart
So I work in retail, and I was finishing up my stray cart (basically putting away all of the items that shoppers abandon either at the registers or all over the store.) It was nearing closing time, and I wanted to get this shit done. I was on my way up to the front of the store with my now empty cart. These carts aren't like your usual shopping carts, they are very short and stocky and have this weird metal bar/basket a few inches off of the ground that supports the main cloth basket. So anyway, I'm walking quite briskly with the cart, and I guess I took too long of a stride. I end up stepping right onto this bar, causing the cart to fly right out of my hands with my foot still on it, nearly making me do the splits. I try to grab onto a mannequin stand to break my fall, but I just ended up smashing my elbow into the stand and falling right on my ass anyway. Thankfully it wasn't busy so a few co-workers and maybe 1 or two customers saw, but damn was I embarrassed.
TL;DR I mis-stepped onto a shopping cart's lower basket, did the splits on the way down and fell right on my ass.
Summer_GardenParty: Is it weird that I'm more interested in what the cart looks like? Like OP said it had a cloth basket
tacticalsnackpack: This would be the culprit. Not me in the picture, I should mention. http://i.imgur.com/EQgE64t.jpg
Summer_GardenParty: Huh weird, but thanks!
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1405846708 | 1405884017 | t3_2b767u | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by deciding to help a customer.
As I was reading today's posts I remembered something that happened to me about a year or so ago. Before I begin I need to note that I am a college student that is currently working at Walmart in order to put myself through school.
It isn't too bad of a place to work at if you looked purely at the monetary and scheduling benefits that it comes with. It is a stable job that I usually get between 38 and 40 hours a week and it comes with an extremely flexible schedule which is important to me. I can transfer locations if I need to, pick up or drop hours and it is really really hard to get fired from Walmart because everything goes by cooperate policy (not that I usually fuck up enough for this to ever be an issue) and I make above minimum wage though pay is still pretty crappy but it could be worse. I don't work here because I am too stupid to do anything else and I am not stuck here. I do it because I need to pay my bills so I can make a brighter future for myself. I am a chemistry major I am not a (complete) dumb ass.
I made the fun choice of working in the seventh ring of hell when it comes to retail: A customer service supervisor. My real job title should be whipping boy (or girl) because all I do is smile as people yell at me for things that I can not control. I really don't have that much authority yet I get punished on a daily basis. Oh well it's what I signed up for. Oh the things that a poor college student like me will do for an extra dollar an hour. Sometimes I question my judgement.
Well it was nearing the end of my shift and my day had been pretty awesome. I didn't have too many nasty customers and actually the entire week was oddly sound. I almost enjoyed my job to an extent. It didn't feel all that bad. But of course, the universe always balances itself out in one way or another. It was my last few minutes when my palm pilot let out an ominous ping. With an air of regret. I went and smiled to my co workers and said "It's okay I will take care of it. I only have a few minutes left! It doesn't seem to be that bad!" and smiled. Unknowingly I was practically digging my own grave.
I get over to the register when an older woman cashier is looking panicky and even has sweat on her brow.
"Here's my supervisor, talk to her". She quickly blurted out. There was this middle aged short fat man with beady nasty little eyes and a glare that could pierce armor. He had a smug looking wife and two very young children who just looked at their parents in confusion.
They were using a WIC check. For those who do not know this is woman, infant and children welfare of a sort. They give you a check with items in it that have to be in a certain quantity and flavor such as 32 oz of grape, apple or orange juice or one gallon of whole milk so on and so forth. It is very specific. Well it just so happens that we were out of the only grape juice that this check would accept. We had the other two flavors that were allowed but this man really had his heart set on this grape juice. We had a larger one but the system would not take it because it didn't meet the specifications.
"Over ride it I want this juice!" The man yelled at me. I tried to calmly explain to him that I could not do that. He just kept on insisting and insisting and yelling and demanding. Finally losing patience I said "I'm sorry sir but I am not going to lose my job over grape juice. I will get you any other juice you want just not this one."
He decides to get personal. He tells me I am just a stupid girl and I don't know what I am doing and calls me a dumb blonde. I am getting beyond pissed off. I go over to the AP (asset protection) manager that was staring at me confused nearby and I asked him can you please tell this guy I can't do this. So he goes up to him and tells him this and the customer gets up in his face! I swear he was nose to nose with this guy and they looked like they were going to kill one another because this fat little man just blurted out insults at him over and over again. So another manager steps in and sort of pulls them away from each other and then the little man is yelling at him and everyone is getting pissed off and I am just about to lose it. I already had to stay half an hour past the time I was supposed to go home. So my manager who was a complete jerk told me "check him out and give him the bottle for free. Price over ride it to zero on a separate order." I was mad. They did this and left me alone with this jerk and his smug assed wife and upset children. He had this smirk that I so badly wanted to punch off of his little face. He told me "You should have done this in the first place. Learn to do your job." I was furious but kept my mouth shut until he looked in his bag and saw his ice cream was melting that he got earlier.
"Look what you did! If you were smart enough to do your job my ice cream wouldn't have melted!!" I said that it would be okay if he grabbed a new one from the freezer and I would dispose of the melted one. He tells me "You get it. You are the worker, do your job." He shoves it at me and says "and make sure you actually pay attention and get the right one". I was so pissed and I stormed off and did it. I couldn't contain my rage any longer! It had been over forty five minutes and I was still dealing with this man. So I got it and I shoved it in a bag and literally threw it in to his cart. I did something that felt so good but could have gotten me into so much trouble. I told the truth.
I looked him in his evil little eyes and with a smirk of my own, telling him how it was.
"I just want you to know that I have never had anyone treat me so poorly in my entire life! You should be ashamed of yourself. And in front of your children? And by the way I am a chemistry major who works here in order to put myself through school because I am not lazy and stupid and by the way I got promoted to supervisor and I have been working here less than a year. I know what I am doing. Now leave right now. Goodbye!" And I ran off and it felt so great. People stared because of how busy it was but one or two customers actually gave me a thumbs up. My boss who approved giving him the juice for free tried to get me in trouble for saying this but I never did because everyone else backed me up saying how horrible he was. I even had a customer tell my manager that I shouldn't have to deal with situations like this and take that abuse and that the man should have been escorted out for the store. Needless to say about a month and a half later I quit being a supervisor and moved to the service desk so I wouldn't have to take that so much. And guess what? I was late getting home and I missed dinner with my family that was an awesome BBQ of seafood and ribs and everything. We don't have dinners together all that often. All because I fucked up and decided to be nice.
Tl;dr
I had to deal with a customer that was the devil reincarnated which caused me to stay an hour late past the time I was supposed to leave after a nine hour shift which made me miss a rare family dinner and almost got me written up by my manager and caused me to quit being a supervisor all because I said to my co workers "it's okay I will help this customer, don't worry about it! It doesn't seem like too big of a deal." The words I regret saying to this day.
[deleted]: I don't understand how the other patrons didn't just tell him to gtfo. I've never witnessed outright abuse like this before but I know what it's like to be unduly restrained by a code of conduct.
I should spend more time lurking around retail stores to protect people like you from sub-human trash like him.
[deleted]: I think that what people don't understand is that I am a person, an actual human, just like them. They assume that we have no life other than retail and our feelings don't matter. But yeah dumb code of conduct making it so we have to "satisfy the customer" no matter what the cost.
| 3 | 19 | |
1405849522 | 1405879473 | t3_2b786m | t5_2to41 | 837 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my son and his friend watch Planet of the Apes
I_hate_the_dove: That bully deserved it. Your kid and his friend are awesome.
Math_Undergrad: No. That bully didn't deserve it. He was a kid who might be seriously injured.
ImBetterThan_You: kid just got a valuable lesson on actions and reactions.
pedal2000: He's a kid who might've just had his legs or worse broken because he was playing a little rough. You're a bit of a sicko if you think this outcome was in anyway proportional to his actions.
shadowdude777: > He's a kid who might've just had his legs or worse broken because he did something that might have resulted in another kid having his legs or worse broken
FTFY. OP's kid was just as likely to be injured.
pedal2000: Not really - falling from the top and falling from a couple rungs up is completely different. Especially if you just fall on your ass versus smoking every rung on the way down as described.
shadowdude777: I'm sure the goal wasn't to make the kid hit every rung on the way down, just to get back at him for doing the same thing (forcing him to fall off the spider web). The kid can't really be blamed for not thinking about the bully being at the top vs being a few rungs up when being provoked.
pedal2000: I'm not blaming the kids at all, I just don't think it's appropriate to be cheering the probable hospitalisation of a kid.
| 9 | 93 | |
1405851236 | 1405898256 | t3_2b799m | t5_2to41 | 10 | okaytothrowaway2: TIFU by looking though my girlfriend phone
who_you_with: What has been seen cannot be unseen. Not cool to go through it, but now you know. Everyone has a right to a secret part of their life, if only in their head.
okaytothrowaway2: It's not just the dudes hitting on her constantly that I'm bothered by. Although it does irk me. It's the fact that she gave out her contact info to dudes that she met in Vegas. After insisting that she was "behaved" in Vegas.
I guess it's kind of messed up for me to say this but, I just wish she cared enough to do a better job of hiding this.
cmonstevedave: she sounds like a ho, you're better off without her.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1405859160 | 1405860593 | t3_2b7etf | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by having an open relationship...
I'm pretty sure I've fucked up.
So, my girlfriend and I are into the whole open relationship thing. We had been quietly looking for a party to go to and meet other swingers. We weren't looking to actually hook up at our first party, we just wanted to hang out and get to know some folks for future casual hookups. We had to wait for a night when my parents wouldn't be around to get nosy about where I was going and what time I would get back though, and we didn't want to do it anywhere near our home town because we didn't want to run into anyone we knew, or anyone that knew either of our parents.
After about 2 weeks of looking and talking to people involved in "the lifestyle" in the area, we got an invite to a pretty exclusive invite-only masquerade party about 2 hours north of us. It just so happened that was the same weekend that my mom was going to some security conference for her job (bank branch manager) and dad was going to tag along and make a weekend of it since it was going to be way out in Chicago. Fuckin' perfect timing, right?
So, we get out there and the spot is fucking banging. Hot couples all over. We put our mardi-gras masks on and kinda sat to teh side for a bit and had some drinks. By some, I mean like... 8 each. Being one of the youngest couples there, a lot of people were buying us drinks even though we said we were "just looking".
After a while though, she started rubbing my pants leg, then my cock, then I felt someone else's hand rubbing my cock too. We had attracted the attention of another couple who we had talked to earlier who was also "just looking".
Well, one thing led to another, and we were in the middle of a 6 way fuckfest a little while later. I'm not sure how long we had sex, I was so hammered I couldn't even read a fucking watch. In this heap of sex and bodily fluids, we hooked up with a more mature couple that was really going to town. Both he and she were touching and sucking everything in sight.
Sandy started riding his cock, and I was assfucking his wife, and in the heat of the moment I knocked over a little cocktail table next to the mat were were laying on. An ashtray with a lit cigarette landed upside down on the wife's shoulder, and when she yelped in pain her asshole tightened and I came. The table hit the dude in the face, almost knocking off his mask. We were asked to leave because were were "too drunk and getting rowdy" according to the mistress in charge, even though the other couples said it was OK.
We managed to pull our clothes on and staggered off to a hotel nearby to sleep it off. We woke up about 10 am the next morning and hauled ass home before my mom's flight was supposed to get back at 12:35.
So here's where the fucked up part comes in.
My mom had a big band-aid on her shoulder. My dad has a bruise under his left eye. My girlfriend says she thinks she's pregnant.
I have no idea what I should do now...
6romperstomper9: never happened.
[deleted]: No, it never happened to *you.*
Ugh, I hate it how reddit reacts to every single remotely interesting stories "hurr never happened" just because your life is boring
6romperstomper9: How could you not know who your parents are? They have a small mask on and they were obviously talking. But OP - I wish it REALLY did happen!
[deleted]: I was too drunk, whenever I drink too much I have trouble recognizing voices
6romperstomper9: Not that drunk that you could maintain an erection and recall the events exactly, yet too drunk to know your parents? Like I said OP, I wish it did happen. Your GF's kid will be your half brother/sister. But you can take condolence in the fact that your mum gave you mud.
| 6 | 0.166667 | |
1405856453 | 1405876611 | t3_2b7cu5 | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by not disposing my used tissues properly, hence letting my dog eat my cum.
So today I had a grand old choking of the chicken, which resulted in a mass of, erm, 'used' tissues. Now normally I take them to the bathroom and flush these bad boys down to avoid overly invasive parents, but in the classic post-fap daze, I just chucked them into my wastepaper basket. When I came back to my room from the shower, I went via the living room, where, lo and behold, a pile of tissue shreddings, and my dog sitting next to them, lay basking in full view. At first I thought 'meh, he often rips up tissues for fun,' but I remembered what I had used those tissues for. My brain slowly clicked as I realised that my dog had unknowingly ingested my seed. Now, my parents are the types who pick up things like shredded tissues. But not this time. They knew what was in the tissues. And they weren't gonna touch none o dat. So I bent down in shame in front of them and picked the tissues up. I walked past my parents, past my dog, and with one last guilty movement, threw them in the family bin.
Dropboy6: Eye contact, assert dominance.
kingtoshiro: >Eye contact, assert dominance.
Stare them in their souls
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1405860588 | 1405868518 | t3_2b7fze | t5_2to41 | 19 | Sellout2014: TIFU By getting toothpaste on my asshole
So yesterday morning I finished a my 14th straight nightshift. It must be said this is not part of my normal work pattern, and im feeling extremely tired, as I always wake up at midday, and not start my shift till 6pm. This longer than usual roster has given my body clock hell, and I have been a walking zombie for several days now.
In an effort to reduce this I forced myself to say awake till about 9am, crusing reddit, youtube etc, to allow myself to sleep later in the afternoon, and hopefully give my body clock a chance at a semi normal amount of sleep. When I do allow myself to sleep, its glorious, I dont stir at all during the day. Most unusual, as I am a light sleeper.
When I wake, im feeling, for lack of a better word, hungover. Groggy, puffy face, dazed and confused as to whats going on. I roll over and check the time on my phone, its 5:10pm. My shift starts at 6pm, and work is 30min drive away. Fuck.
Unfortunately in my extremely fatigued state, I neglected to set an alarm to wake myself. I have 20 minutes to get myself ready and on the road. Not an impossible feat usually, but at this particular moment, I could barely remember which way was up.
I head to the bathroom, hoping a quick shower will bring me back to the land of the living. Grab my toothbrush and stick some toothpaste on it, the fancy whitening kind, that gets all bubbly. Heading for the shower, my docile brain says, 'You need to poop'. No problem, probably best to do this before a shower.
I sit on the toilet, and in a ill conceived effort to hurry up my routine, begin brushing my teeth while I poop.
Now at some stage of this poorly planned exercise of hygienic dysfunction, ive managed to dribble a wad of spit & toothpaste onto my leg. With nothing else nearer to clean it with, and neglecting to even consider that I am about to shower anyway, I reach for some paper to clean it up.
As plainly obvious by now, I am in no mind set to make decisions. My brain is working on autopilot and muscle memory. So as i wipe my toothpaste off my thigh, the hand gets a mind of its own. Down my hand goes, to dispose of this newly tooth pasted tissue of minty doom, and for some reason unknown to anyone living or dead, it wipes my asshole.
Almost immediately the burning started. I'm not sure of anyone else has toothpasted their asshole before, but this much is clear, its not to be done.
A mixture of warm, and cold, and stinging and sphincter clenching, and cursing follows. Feverishly wiping my ass to try and mitigate the damage, I give up and head for the shower. I spend the next 10 minutes scrubbing my violated date with every available cream, lotion, shampoo and soap. Protip here: Dove seemed to work the best!
Eventually the pain subsides, however im well and truly behind schedule at this stage. I am, however wide awake!
TL;DR Reddit: Slept in. Brushed teeth on toilet. Spilt toothpaste on leg, cleaned up with tissue, and wiped tissue on asshole. Fire ensued.
Letagod: As someone who tried using toothpaste as lube during masturbation once, I know how you feel.
hakr0: I hope you werent in the autopilot situation, otherwise I don't want to be your neighbour with window-vision.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1405861524 | 1405994676 | t3_2b7gsd | t5_2to41 | 648 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunken figure skating naked in front of a young family
This happened years ago when I was about 19 and still living in Colombia but I thought people would like it.
A long time ago I got asked by some incredibly attractive male company of mine to come to their house for a barbecue to celebrate Colombian independence day. It was a reasonably relaxed night and it also happened to be the first night I tried whiskey. Well I tried whiskey, I really tried Whiskey, in fact I tried so much whiskey I started asking some of the guys if they wanted to have a threesome. One guy really wanted to but none of the others seemed interested (I think they had girlfriends)
Anyway so I decided that guy was like my catch for the night and I spent most of the night sitting on him drinking mixed vodka drinks until I could barely stand up.
Towards the end of the night everyone had left to go looking for house parties with more dancing etc but he was staying because he owned the house and wanted to be with me. He asked me if I wanted to take some of the barbecue up to his room and eat in there with him and I was hungry after drinking so much so we did. He helped me to his room first then came back to get the pan with the food.
After eating for some time we had the craziest barbecue sauce sex you won't even find in a porno and we went to sleep feeling amazing in his bed. At this point I am still drunk of my face but it feels amazing all the same. That's when he asks me "Can you take the barbecue dish back to the kitchen?"
So I get up and take the dish and walk out his door from his room, try to remember where his kitchen was. I had no idea so I just looked for the nearest door that wasn't a bathroom and I found it. So I walk through and I find his kitchen. I place the dish down and I notice he has a super slippery floor. Now here's the thing with me and slippery floors, I absolutely have to do my best figure skating impersonation when I find a slippery floor. So I start spinning around the kitchen (Drunk) and naturally I fall on my ass. I get up laughing to my self and that's when the fuck up hit me. This guy did not own the entire house, this was one of those split houses where you can walk through a door and walk into an entirely different person's house.
I look and there's a family of a young woman, man and their two kids just sitting there with their mouths completely open wondering what the fuck this 19 year old naked chick was doing figure skating in their kitchen. They were about to have their midnight meal, probably to celebrate independence day. Then it hid me that, in fact, I'd not put clothes on. I let out the biggest "peeeeeeeeeeeeeerdón" I could and just ran out the door, almost slipping and hurting myself.
I went back to his room and never told him. To this day I don't think he ever found out because he's never brought it up.
**TL:DR** If you live in a house that's attached to another house with a door, lock it.
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: Damn, you're a drunk whore
Edit: [In response to downvotes] well you are
CeruleanTresses: oh nooooo a woman who enjoys sex
grosssssssss
this is totally a negative trait because of reasons
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: Not saying it's gross. Saying that a girl who binge drinks and tries to wrangle a threesome can be called, "a drunk whore".
[deleted]: Fuck yourself.
commandx: Hey good on you, from a guy who drinks 10+ a night.
I don't get why gals with libido are judged as sluts when guys with similar amounts are judged players.
Sexist standards that make it harder to get some if you ask me.
[deleted]: Exactly. Saying we can get sex whenever we want is bullshit, that night I didn't get what I wanted at all. Also, the girls who are more active are usually more fun to have sex with anyway.
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: Yeah...I wouldn't care if you were a guy in this situation, I would still think you're a drunken scumbag. So I guess it's whether you prefer to be called a scumbag or whore?
>Also, the girls who are more active are usually more fun to have sex with anyway.
Nothing funner than getting tested for STDs.
[deleted]: What's wrong with having sex?
Do you abstain?
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: Nothing wrong with sex. I personally just wouldn't want to have sex with someone like you. If you feel I need to explain the difference to you between a drunk prompted 3-way and "normal" sex, then by all means, please show me you're that dumb.
[deleted]: What the hell is "normal" sex? What year is it?
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: Well, if you can't understand the idea that there is an approximate concept of what normal sex means to the average person then I don't think you're going to understand a lot of other basic things.
[deleted]: I think I need a practical example.
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: Either you really are that dumb of a person and you do need an example. Or you are just trying to get me to define a loose concept so you can pounce on a single pivot statement and then use specious reasoning to justify your whorish tendencies.
Doesn't matter which, I don't really feel like spoonfeeding you words. It's more enjoyable knowing you're just a dumb skank who never had the chance to prove otherwise.
[deleted]: I was joking, I'm humoring you because I can see you're so misogynistic and convinced in yourself you will never change.
But to your credit you sound like you'd give great rough sex.
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: 1st part: Dead end argument, swings both ways. "I can see you're so promiscuous and convinced in yourself you will never change"
2nd part: Damn straight.
[deleted]: I think the problem is that I don't have to prove what I'm doing is right, but you have to prove what I'm doing is wrong, which you can't.
You're trying to assert something, so you need to prove it or come show me what would be a better option.
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: You're seeing this as a court room. There is no judge, jury or lawyers we have to present our arguments to--there is no obligation for *anyone* to prove *anything*, these are entirely our opinions.
I think the problem is you get defensive about your actions and try to justify the opposition as bulllshit (as well as justifying your own actions) by stating they need to prove an opinion of theirs.
My opnions don't need to be proven to you, you are not any authority figure in which I feel any obligation to do so. It's kind of dumb of you to think there is some sort of compulsion otherwise. I simply think you are a whore. My opinion.
[deleted]: In that case, why do you think it's ok to treat me badly for your opinion? You're a misogynist and you think I'm a whore, but that's ok. But why did you decide to berate me on my post?
I hate white girls, does that mean I do horrible things to them? No, because it's just my opinion, I treat them the same.
Ghost_Ghoul_Guy: I'm amazed at your ability to not grasp the points people make. I'm guessing school isn't your strong suit.
>why do you think it's ok to treat me badly for your opinion?
First, not in conflict with expressing an opinion without proving it's validity to you.
Because I simply don't care for treating you badly.
>But why did you decide to berate me on my post?
*sigh* Again, this is not in conflict with expressing my opinion.
Because you sounded like a drunk whore so I called you a drunk whore.
>I hate white girls, does that mean I do horrible things to them? No, because it's just my opinion, I treat them the same
Alright then, let's throw racist alongside dumb and slutty.
Just because you switched "opinion" where "self control" would have worked better doesn't make my point invalid. It doesn't mean anything substantive to my argument. The only thing it means is you're too dumb to have made a more sensical point. You should stop and reflect on the retarded points you write because you make terrible dialectic arguments.
[deleted]: I'm not saying your point's invalid. I'm saying your motivation for treating me like shit is off.
| 21 | 30.857143 | |
1405861518 | 1405903756 | t3_2b7gs6 | t5_2to41 | 90 | RadicalHammers: TIFU by telling my Dad where to go.
Little back story.
I'm 23 and iv been fat since I was 14. Only in the past two years have i tried to make a change.
The past month I've been working out in my backyard doing weights. My sister and my Mother have joined in to get healthy as well.
So there I was doing some dead lifts (80kg, not a WR but my PB) listening to Metallica and grunting really loud, when my Dad come outside and asks Mum (who was doing some light weights as well) if she knew where something was. She tells him she doesn't know. He gets pissy and starts to argue with her about it. I pipe up and say, "Hey Dad, just calm down. We don't know where it is." All the while continuing to dead lift the aforementioned 80kgs.
Bad move on my part, he then rounds on me and starts yelling at me that all he can hear is me, grunting like I'm being murdered, the clang of metal being dropped and that I should put some mats under my weights if I'm going to drop them, because its "putting holes" in the grass.
So I stop what I'm doing and slowly put my barbell down. I look my Dad square in the eyes and say, "We are out here trying to better our self's here and if you have nothing constructive to say, you should go away."
I look at him for a second more then continue my set. He just stairs at me then slowly walks away.
He wont talk to me now, and wont even take the chocolate i got for him as a peace offering.
I don't know what to do now.
Update for those of you who care. Dad spoke to the room (at me?) saying the pasta i made for dinner was good. Thats the first thing he has said to/ about me in my hearing in almost 2 days.
TL;DR. Was doing weights, Dad starts ranting at Mum. I step in to calm him down. He yells at me. I tell him to be constructive or go away. Now he wont talk to me or eat chocolate.
jmart377: Clearly your dad is on his period. Maybe try getting him something to help his PMS
RadicalHammers: Like what? I have very little first hand experience with men on their periods.
Venomous_Dingo: You had a good start with the chocolate. Chocolate works no matter the sex. Next try pizza and beer and if that doesn't work go with the nuclear option of strippers and whores.
Or... ya know... fuck him. If he's going to be a pouty little twatwaffle nothing is going to stop him. Good on you and your family making the huge leap to getting in shape! My "fuck him" might be a little out of place because I had a step father who was insane about his yard and it pissed me off to no end
RadicalHammers: Heh, twatwaffle.
It's been 10 hours and still nothing.
Venomous_Dingo: Eh, you're early on in it then. Honestly he should be proud that you had the willpower and determination to get out there and work out. That you're being joined by family should be an even bigger point of pride. I know how rough it can be because honestly, if it wasn't for my workout partners I would've quit a long time ago.
I did think of one thing... maybe there's a little jealousy there since he doesn't seem supportive of your workouts. Jealous that you're doing it, and even moreso that you've been joined by your mom.
It could also be insecurity on his part. If he's out of shape there could be a niggling doubt in the back of his mind that if your mom gets in shape she'll leave him. I don't care how unlikely that is, low self-esteem is a bitch.
You'll be fine and everything will work out. He'll realize he's being ridiculous, or your mom will bring him around. It'll take some time though. Just keep doing what you're doing. =)
RadicalHammers: Thank you Mr dingo for not eating me or my baby. Furthermore thank you for the support and kind words.
Venomous_Dingo: Heh, no worries. I had to swear off babies when I went on this health kick. It's rewarding but damn is it hard to reign in eating sometimes.....
RadicalHammers: Yeah food is the Devil.
| 9 | 10 | |
1405860500 | 1406156991 | t3_2b7fwp | t5_2to41 | 153 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my best friend a cock shot.
This happened roughly two months ago.
I'm a guy in his twenties. I decided to get quite drunk on a Thursday night and before I knew it I was on backpage.com looking at prostitutes. Drunken me would realistically never get a prostitute, but it's fun to browse and entertain the idea.
So I begin texting with one and things are going pretty decently. She finally asks me to send her a cock shot. Sure, that's cool, np.
I should mention that while I was texting this escort, I was also having a text conversation with my best friend. In regards to fixing my car stereo or something along those lines.
Whatever happened, I had meant to send my friend a street address or something. So in the iphone little chat box, I had double tapped to paste the text (or what I thought was text). For whatever goddam reason it was my penis and I had instantly hit send. Like literally a double tap > copy > send all within 1-2 seconds.
So my friend gets a nice ole dick shot and I promptly apologize. He took it pretty well I guess. Just to fuck with me he sent the cock shot back an hour later at which I lol'd.
Worst part is that our close circle of friends know so I get shit for it on a regular basis.
tl;dr sent my friend a dick shot instead of to an escort.
[deleted]: I drunkenly fat-fingered my dick as a group mms recently to the girl I was seeing along with a female friend. I don't think I'll ever hear the end of it.
BeeGravy: What the fuck are you trying to say?
[deleted]: Let's start here: which word(s) or phrase(s) do you not understand?
BeeGravy: What does fat fingering your dick mean? Sounds horrifying. And lower case "mms" just looked like a retarded typo.
[deleted]: Fat-fingering is hitting more buttons than you intend to by touching the surface imprecisely. In this instance, in the address book on a touch-screen phone. If you can't figure out what the fuck "mms" means simply because it's lower-case, you're a moron.
BeeGravy: Maybe you should learn how to accurately type what you're trying to say, that'd probably be the best move.
And stop fat fingering your dick you nasty fuck, and go get some exercise.
[deleted]: Gfy dumb shit.
BeeGravy: Aw did you delete your original retarded comment?
For everyone else, he has a tenuous grasp on the English language, at best.
MyWeebleFellDown: I was going to post an offensive comment here, but I'm just gonna sit here and watch this unroll.
mq999: You gotta admit. That first comment was formatted weird. I had to do a double take to understand it.
BeeGravy: Thank you.
Don't know why so many ppl have to down vote because I pointed out this guy's horrible syntax and grammar. Not like I'm flipping tables over a misspelling or something simple.
The entire meaning of the comment was changed by being poorly worded.
| 12 | 12.75 | |
1405862150 | 1405899770 | t3_2b7hdf | t5_2to41 | 1,491 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too nice
So for some backstory I've been letting one of my friends crash at my place for about a month now so he can be closer to his job. (He was working 5 minutes away, lived an hour plus away and drove a diesel truck so it wasnt very economical) So he's been staying for about a month with me and I've been helping him out alot, some of his jobs checks came late, he was working for a contractor and had **to** file his own hours or some shit so I'd shoot him some gas money or money for food. He's one of my closest, oldest friends so why not. Well he got pretty comfortable here, started inviting people over which I swiftly put an end **to**, he would smoke weed with my roommate and another mutual friend of ours and decided he wanted **to** make hash. In MY apartment. I told him no, no way you do that shit here. Roommate and I come home from work to find him and 2 of our other friends passed out in the living room with all the evidence from making hash on the stove and living room table. This was strike 2 for him. Told him he was fucked up for doing it even after I told him specifically not **to** do it. He apologized, payed me some rent early and I let it slide. Then today a girl I had been talking **to** for about a month, who had come over to the apartment and chilled with all of us, cool chick all in all, hits me up saying we had **to** **talk**. Now we hadnt had sex so I knew it wasnt any "Omg I'm pregnant" type shit but it still *seemed* urgent. I go home she tells me in a drunken stupor her and my friend had sex. I'm understandably pissed. Talk to my roommate about it and find out that He knew, his brother knew, 2 mutual work friends of ours new, and one other person. For 3 weeks. None of them told me waiting for my "Friend" to spill the beans. Oh and the kicker, the other friend that made the hash? Yea, apperently they had a bet as to which one of them could fuck her first. Some friends I have right?
**TL;DR** My friend that has been essentially bumming off me for a month and some change manufactured and sold drugs from my apartment and fucked the girl I was talking **to** all the while preaching about how he couldn't stand "fake" people.
Packed all his shit and threw it in his truck, woke his ass up and told him he had to leave.
Edit 1: paragraphs and to. For people asking my other friend that helped make the Hash was also told NOT TO MAKE THE HASH.
**THE** **BOLD** **EDIT**
StephenBuckley: 1) When a house guest starts making hash after you tell them not to, that's not strike two. That's the whole at-bat. Game over. Out.
2) People keep saying the girl is a whore-- the fuck is wrong with all of you? She doesn't seem that into OP at all, they're not dating, and clearly she just felt it was ridiculous that none of the people he was living with had told him. She's allowed to fuck people she's attracted to! Shocker!
3) Please learn to spell.
NotTika: I got to agree on you about the girl. She is not a slut for doing someone else other than OP while he was ''talking'' to her. This is where the case of friendzones and beta-rage come into play.
Bassiclyme: I'm not really calling her a slut, I hope people don't think that. I understand you can fuck up but this is A girl who by all account really wanted to be with me and my friend knew that and set out to fuck her anyway
RedFacedRacecar: Yes, but short of him drugging her out of consent, she has every right to choose who to fuck.
If she really wanted to be with you, she probably wouldn't have gotten smashed and fucked your "friend".
ohlookahipster: Anybody can choose who to sleep with, but it does reflect the kind of person they are.
Considering this whole situation, 99% of the people in OPs story are not the kind of people you'd want to associate with.
It's not just the girl, all these people are scummy on a certain level.
RedFacedRacecar: Oh, that I agree with.
I don't fault the girl for sleeping with someone else while just "talking" to OP. "Dibs" on a girl you're stringing along for almost a month is just silly.
I do, however, question her choice in sleeping with a guy that scummy. At least sleep with a guy of better character.
throwaway07314: "Talking to" nowadays implys almost dating. It doesn't mean he's friend zoned and literally just talking. They've been hooking up, just without an official title. That doesn't make it okay to fuck the dude's friend.
RedFacedRacecar: >They've been hooking up
OP has explicitly stated that no such hooking up has happened. She expressed interest in him, and he kept prolonging the "talking" phase, saying he wanted to take things slow.
What happens when a girl keeps leading a guy on? Reddit tells him to move on and find someone else. It should be no different from the girl in OP's story.
throwaway07314: Where did he explicitly state that? All he explicitly stated was that they had not had sex.
hikingboots_allineed: In the comments with the thread chain started by bitnarnar. He said, "Chick was super into me, or at least says she is. Wanted/wants to date me but I was the one holding back from dating for right now."
throwaway07314: Please read the comments again. Nowhere does that say they weren't hooking up it just means they weren't exclusive. Holy shit people, reading comprehension.
hikingboots_allineed: "**Now we hadnt had sex** so I knew it wasnt any "Omg I'm pregnant" type shit but it still seemed urgent."
So they weren't hooking up at all. Holy shit people, reading comprehension.
throwaway07314: There are things you can do beyond sex...
hikingboots_allineed: "I wasn't really trying to date at this point but it was known that we were talking."
You're right but nowhere on this thread as he said anything about BJs or kissing or long makeout sessions. All he's ever said is that they were *talking*. Talking is not hooking up.
throwaway07314: It's possible, but I've never met another ~20 year old who said they were "talking to" a girl and literally meant they were just talking. Usually it's a coy, polite way of saying you're doing stuff with a girl without saying "yeah sometimes we watch movies and she blows me and stuff".
| 16 | 93.1875 | |
1405864355 | 1405943778 | t3_2b7jjw | t5_2to41 | 607 | jnpose: TIFU by trying to speak German
I am an American visiting Germany for July and slowly learning German.
I was on a bus trying to communicate with a kind older man. We had reached the limit of my ability to converse in German but I didn't want to stop talking, so I got creative.
I wanted to ask the man what he loves to do, but only able to remember the word for love and not to do, I asked him "Wie lieben Sie..?" which translates roughly to How do you love?
Luckily, he had a sense of humor and responded "Ich liebe sehr gut" - I love very well- with a wink. The entire bus, including me burst out laughing. I think I have made ein Freund.
TL;DR- I asked an elderly German man about his sex life.
maikelg: Whenever I don't know a word in German, I usually just use the Dutch word (my native language) and make it sound German, which works out really well most of the time because they are so similar.
[deleted]: How do you make a word sound German??
Shadow_Of_Invisible: How do you not know zis?
Aikje: "Zee Germans"
RamirPascal: 2 minutes Turkish
Aikje: What's wrong with this one?
*pulls door from hinges*
Oh nothing, Tommy. It's tip-top. It's just I'm not sure about the colour.
RamirPascal: Ah fockin' 'ate pikeys
Aikje: D'ya like dags?
- Dags?
Yeah, dags.
- Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like caravans more.
RamirPascal: Pherrehwihnkhelboo
-what?
PERRYWINKLE BLUE
| 10 | 60.7 | |
1405868179 | 1405870427 | t3_2b7o08 | t5_2to41 | 6 | potentialhijabi1: TIFU by Googling.
This is actually a fuck-up which happened over the course of two or so weeks. I was at work waiting for the shift to start and normally I'll chat to anyone else waiting.
This day I'd been chatting with two other people about something to do with airport security and specifically bombs which point I pointed out that you didn't even need explosives to make a bomb, as you could do it with something as ordinary as flour and bleach which would likely arouse no suspicion. Bear in mind that I'm Muslim...
Skip forward to two weeks later and I got yanked into the manager's office. The general manager informed me that several of my workfriends had been told about the conversation, and now they, along with people from another store, now think I'm a jihadi bombmaker. So now I have the fun of telling my work friends that no,I'm not joining ISIS or something at the next general meeting.
robly18: Relevant username?
srslysick: All too accurate.
| 3 | 2 | |
1405871454 | 1405873435 | t3_2b7sbw | t5_2to41 | 4 | ShamedConfused: tifu by dressing as a woman and having sex with the man by girlfriend cheated on me with.
bakPackRap: Yeah, man, you're bisexual. You enjoyed being "plowed" in the ass.
ShamedConfused: But is this necessarily bisexual?
calls_you_racist-: Maybe bi-curious
0hnoesazombie: Now he's bi-furious
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1405871165 | 1405958315 | t3_2b7ryj | t5_2to41 | 5 | fahkfahkfahk: TIFU by having dirty laundry
Let's start this off by saying that I'm a long time lurker, this is my first post, I'm on my phone, blah blah, so please forgive me for any mistakes. Moving on.
Backstory: I'm 17, I live in the Bible Belt, and my mom has ALWAYS been extremely adamant about me not having sex. Every time I leave the house, I'm reminded to "keep the cookie clean".
I just returned from a month long trip to Thailand yesterday. I'm in a long distant relationship, and I was visiting my boyfriend who lives there. We've been dating for a little over a year and have been sexually active for a while, but we're always very careful.
We hadn't seen one another in a long time, so naturally, we humped like rabbits. At the end of the trip, we still had some condoms left over. I didn't think much of it and threw them in my backpack; I was going to take them out and hide them once I got home. No biggie.
After 25 hours of travel, I was exhausted. As soon as I walked in my house, I left my luggage (and my backpack), in my foyer, showered, and went to bed.
Fast forward to this morning. I wake up, walk into the kitchen to get some breakfast. My mom is already awake and is starting a load of laundry, and asked me to bring in my dirty clothes. I remembered I had a change of dirty clothes in my backpack. This is where I began to realize I had fucked up.
I waltz over to my backpack, still forgetting about the condoms, expecting to find the dirty clothes.
Wrong.
My mom had gone through my backpack and already taken my clothes out, and the box of condoms was sitting right there in my bag. She had obviously seen them. Fuck.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
She didn't say anything about it, just asked me to bring her some more clothes, and was acting completely normal.
I took a .2 second breather, tried to play that shit off, then grabbed all my bags and haven't come out of my room yet.
I'm expecting a big conversation some time today. Again, fuck.
TL;DR: went on a monthlong trip, had lots of sex with my boyfriend, left condoms and dirty clothes in my backpack, my strictly religious mom found the condoms while doing laundry
suigenic: I think she'd rather you have sex and be safe than end up with a bun in the oven. At least you're responsible about it.
If you aren't mature enough to talk to your parents about condoms, you aren't mature enough to be having sex. My dad gave me money to go buy my first box because he wanted me to be safe.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: That's adorable.
My parents kicked me out of the house when I was 18.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1405878657 | 1405911714 | t3_2b7sfd | t5_2to41 | 243 | vjfalk: I shaid no wun undershtands me
attehh: http://i.imgur.com/bElxzpB.jpg
TristanDD: I knew before I even clicked the link.
anonymus1209: Ha me too.
ssjkriccolo: I thought it was going to be Sean Connery
thefak: It was Elvis, right?
Waffleradio: Don't give it away noob
| 7 | 34.714286 | |
1405874562 | 1405924586 | t3_2b7wqo | t5_2to41 | 2,971 | SuppressiveFire: TIFU by almost getting my dick bitten off
So, there I was. My girlfriend in front of me about to give me the long awaited blowjob I've been dreaming of (I've been away for 2 weeks on business). I ended up getting really lucky, my girlfriend has no gag reflex, so oral sex is absolutely amazing. Now, I've been away, so I haven't really been keeping up with shaving and trimming. She likes the beard scruff, so I'm going with it.
Things start to get hot and heavy and she's really going to town, I tell her to deepthroat. She goes all the way down, but suddenly gets this strange look on her face. I look down and see her nose buried in my pubes. Now...you know how everything seems to slow down when you feel an impending doom coming...how something bad is going to happen and you have no control over it? Yeah, that happened.
Normally I shave my balls and pubes (more comfy during the summer). My girlfriend wasn't used to me having pubes, so when she deepthroated, she went to breathe in through her nose, and got a nose full of pubes. She tried to fight it but she couldn't. She sneezed with my dick completely in her mouth and down her throat.
So here I am. In the hospital. With a punctured dick and an embarrassed girlfriend who's trying to not laugh. I'm okay, though. Just my pride that's wounded.
**tl;dr: Didn't shave my pubes, girlfriend deepthroated, inhaled pubes and sneezed...biting down on my dick.**
UsernameTaken__Fuck: So help me, I will gild the shit out of you if I can get proof. Not any weird shit, but I am so sorry for your almost loss. Pinky promise.
It's currently 0116, my time. I'm about to go to sleep, but I will check when I wake up tomorrow at 0800, my time. I promise, I'm not flaking out on my word!
Day 1: OP delivered a nice little Paint picture, but not quite what I had in mind. But beautiful all the same. Fridge material. He stated that tomorrow he'll provide documentation.
Day 2: or 3? I lose count of days because of my environment. But OP has still not delivered. About to chalk this up as BS.
SuppressiveFire: Hahaha, as much as I want to post my dick, I have a tattoo very close to my junk that is easily recognizable. So instead, I will draw you a picture of what my junk looks like (now it's wrapped in gauze and other shit, but this it what it looked like pre-wrappage). [Enjoy.](http://imgur.com/bEuH4ze)
WILLx7HEx7HRILL: Post some hospital records with your info blacked out.
SuppressiveFire: I'll post the release paperwork, won't be able to tonight, though. Will do tomorrow. On my way to work. This is going to be fun to explain to my co-workers.
BobsicleSmith: RemindMe! 18 hours
EDIT: OP DID NOT DELIVER, THE TIME OF RECKONING IS UPON US!! OP IS A FAGGOT!!!
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carb0nc0pies: RemindMe! 5 minutes
| 8 | 371.375 | |
1405874749 | 1406021809 | t3_2b7x0l | t5_2to41 | 393 | FiskN: TIFU by jerking off four times before the GF came over.
So here I am fresh out of work, and feeling horny as shit. My GF is off at some graduation celebration about two hours away. So I'm under the perception that we aren't going to meet up that day. I'm beat from the night before due to drinking vodka with her and her girlfriend; all I wanna do is go home and jerk off and sleep. I proceed to jerk off, but still can't fall asleep...one thing leads to another and eventually I ended up cuming off four times in a day without the urge to pass the fuck out.
Then I get this text from my GF saying shes dropping her GF off and shes 7 minutes away; at this point I'm starting to get nervous. She asks if she can drop by and being the good boyfriend I am say: "yes of course baby!, I can't wait to see you"
I gotta sink wash my balls(who jerks it dry?), throw random clothing in the closest as to not appear like a slob when she gets there.
Bam shes here, and shes horny, she wants to fuck (We usually fuck first, then make love after...go figure).
One thing leads to another and we're naked on top of each other, and I can't get as hard as a I want. I'm sexually exhausted...she gives me a BJ which helps, but I'm still not there. I proceed to fuck her anyway with 85% of my manhood, which still feels good but man a little bit awkward.
I'm now thinking there is no way I'm going to finish, and I'm right, we go at it for an hour with intervals of limp dick popping up every so often, and I just tell her "its an off night baby, I'm sorry". She gets upset and I tell her its nothing personal, that it was me and not her(does this ever help a situation like this?).
Two hours later, I did manage to cum during round 2 for a grand tally of 5 nuts in a 10 hour span. 5/6 ain't bad.
TL;DR
I jerk off way too often
l_chayim_fatass: Should have just told her that you masturbated 4 times thinking about her. And now her chance is gone.
Seriously though, you are one horny motherfucker
DinosBiggestFan: 4 times is a lot to Redditors?
Since *when*?
archydarky: Ya bro, OP is semi-pro. He needs to get to 7-8. I'm at the point where I cum in my gf and keep on going with no cooldown. I'm probably infertile though lol.
thegreatbacteria: *lol*
Dinosoarman: I can have multiple orgasms. Woohoo!
TuppyEatYou: I read that in a mocking sarcastic voice.
| 7 | 56.142857 | |
1405875024 | 1405876080 | t3_2b7xf2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting in my contact lenses
The previous night I had some inferno heat level wings from the local pizza joint. These wings don't fuck around. I eat spicy food on a regular basis and these wings make me break out into a sweat and my mouth burns for a good 10 minutes. Quite delicious.
After I was done I washed my hands watched a little malcolm in the middle and then went to bed.
When I woke up this morning I put my right contact in and immediately felt the burn. I doubled over while covering my eyes while I screamed in pain. A good 5 minutes of scrubbing my hands with soap while I shed copious amounts of tears from the burning sensation in my right eye, I feel it's time to put in my left contact.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!
Still fucking burned like I just got stabbed with soldering irons in both eyeballs!
I sat there on the edge of my toilet with my hands over my eyes. It's now 12:50 pm. My vision is still a bit blurry, but overall I'm ok.
I now have +2 resistance to mace.
**Edit:** I had a pregnant.
[deleted]: Didn't mommy teach you to wash your hands and face before and after going to bed? Tsk tsk tsk. XD
I usually do this shit while cooking spicy stuff, which also involves onions, so very often. Peel the onions = cringing eyes. Then crush chilies between my fingers. Then forget about it and rub my eyes which are still funny from the onions. KABOOM. So glad I bought a mortar, now.
DomStud: I washed my hands, but I literally forgot I had super spicy wings the night before. Fuck.
[deleted]: -pat pat-
| 4 | 2 | |
1405876259 | 1405917522 | t3_2b7z7y | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting my arm around a girl
This happened about 2 months ago, with a girl that goes to my high school. A little background on me is that I'm not someone who is known to always get the ladies, or usually have that much success with them. However in this case this girl and I really clicked, conversation was easy and overall I really liked this girl. We had been talking in school and texting for about a month, so I finally asked her out on a date and it was going really well. I picked her up and we went to Panera, had some lunch (which I payed for), and figured that we would end the night with seeing a movie. We arrive at the theater and all is going well, I am not too forward and I surely don't do anything that would pressure her or make her feel uncomfortable, as we don't see each other a ton face to face. About halfway through the movie I put my arm around her and begin to lightly caress her arm. **This would prove to be demise of my relationship with this girl.** Then probably 10 minutes after my unspeakable action, she went to the bathroom to bawl her eyes out. (which I was unaware of at the time) Upon her return she was unusually distant from me, and remained that way until the end of the movie. She then informed me that her mother would be picking her up so I wouldn't have to bring her home. Nothing weird about that right? **WRONG** I was rather perplexed by how the date ended, but it didn't seem to be anything to worry about. I then asked a female friend of mine, who was also friends with my acquaintance, to see if she knew anything. Apparently when I put my arm around her it reminded her of a similar action that a previous boyfriend of hers did, so this was the reason for her reaction. I tried for a few weeks to ask her what the problem was, in school and through text, but she made it a point to ignore and avoid both. So my simple action that reminded her of a past romance completely eradicated any hope for a relationship for us. So tifu by actually giving a fuck and trying to have a relationship.
tl;dr: Took a girl I'd been talking to on a date to the movies, put my arm around her, hormones flaired and tears were wept.
Morale of the story because of the pure passion and love that courses through my veins, one simple touch can leave a woman in tears.
Brandicoot: Beta af
I_get_jokes_lol: Lol get it because that's what people say on 4chan. But protip I think you used it at the wrong time.
Brandicoot: I mean putting your arm around a girl is so insignificant and they are making a big deal of it, as if it actually mattered.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1405876143 | 1405963163 | t3_2b7z1e | t5_2to41 | 297 | oblioandthepoint: TIFU by not playing along with a 4 year old.
I work backstage at a theatre and one of the other employees has a 4 year old that is frequently in and around the theatre. The kid was pretty much born and raised in the place and sits in the booth for every performance quietly and dutifully coloring in her "prompt book." I like this child a lot because she's very low-bullshit for her age and can always be relied upon for some Silent Bob type wisdom. She is also the only child I have ever met who is unimpressed by my bright blue mohawk. I call her Yoda Baby.
Last week, she is being walked around backstage by an actor just prior to the show. I didn't notice anything unusual and I let out with my normal, "Hey there, Yoda Baby!" Her eyes got very big and she looked up to the actor who was holding her had with a very clear "Help me" look. The actor then informed me, "We're invisible."
Well crap. How to redeem this situation and keep her beautiful imagination intact? I got down on one knee, looked her dead in the eye and said the only thing that made sense, "That's ok. [I'm a Wizard.](http://hillymiller.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/tumblr_miga11jdaa1qzyt3no1_250.gif?w=600)". Her reaction was [not as expected](http://f3.thejournal.ie/media/2013/10/scared-3.gif). Poor kid hasn't been the same around me since.
tldr; Told a 4 year old I was a wizard. She believes me and is now terrified.
GhengisRon: Ask the parent and bring her some good wizard gifts. She fall back in line.
oblioandthepoint: That's a good idea. I do in fact have access to massive amounts of glitter.
McCracker: **Do not give a four year old glitter.**
This is the only advice I can give you.
dcb720: I'm pushing 40, a man, and I love glitter. Which is a good thing because I have a 7 year old daughter and a crafty wife and the house is full of it.
tylandz: I've heard it called the herpes of the art world.
OuttaSightVegemite: My GF calls it craft cancer. Cute and apt.
folsam: I think of them as raver scabies
| 8 | 37.125 | |
1405876478 | 1405877624 | t3_2b7zji | t5_2to41 | 8 | ReallyBadAtSpelling: TIFU by not doing the midterm for a class I'm doing good in.
For the past couple of weeks, I've been killing it in this summer school class. It's not a subject I like, but it's a prof I like and have had before, she appreciates good discussion and rewards students with extra-credit for extracurricular stuff.
Since I work in the field the class is in, it's easy for me to do the homework and get the EC. As of Friday, my grade was actually 118%.
In comes the bad part
Around the time the class started, I hurt myself in the gym. No big deal, went to the doctor and got on anti-inflammatory meds for it.
Turns out it was a big deal.
I'm not sure if it was from skipping the gym and missing that awesome post-exercise high that's kept depression away pretty good, but since taking the meds I've felt like shit. Every day got worse, with my muscles being sore for no reason, and being in a more and more 'down' mood.
Thursday my slowed-down brain finally made a connection between my sudden spiral into depression and the meds I was on. Friday I stopped taking them, and felt a little better; Saturday was better still, but I was still dragging, so Friday and Saturday I stayed in, trying to eat healthy and not think myself into a deeper depression.
This morning I woke up, the most rested and alert since I started taking the damn things. Minded my own business for a bit, then, fuck, it hits me:
The midterm was due at midnight last night.
Frantically I looked up the syllabus; the midterm is worth a quarter of my grade, and there are no makeup exams.
As of now, if the homework I did get done this week is counted as 100%, like the others, my grade is now 55%. If I get full credit on everything else in the class, and I get all the extra credit I can, the highest possible grade I can get will be 83%.
I need to get the highest grade possible in this class. I'm a handful of classes from graduating and want to bump my GPA up as high as I possibly can. A low B will bump me up .01 points.
I just emailed the prof asking for an extension, not holding out any hope.
bankaicock: You just spelled out my worst fear... missing a midterm/final. Good luck man!
ReallyBadAtSpelling: Thanks... your comment made me realize, the last time I was in school and extremely depressed was the only time I've missed something this major. Only this time I'm actually doing something about it instead of hiding from reality until dropping out entirely.
Shit... might be TMI, random internet stranger, but your comment just gave me a shotgun blast of perspective to the face. I've really come a long way since then.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405877097 | 1405901187 | t3_2b80g7 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by cleaning my mom's toilet.
I was cleaning my mom's bathroom.
I finished by cleaning her toilet and wiping down the inside of the toilet clean with comet. I flushed the toilet and started using the toilet water to rinse the wash cloth and accidentally let go. Washcloth went down the toilet. Our plunger doesn't work in getting it out. We don't own a snake, we can't afford to rent/buy one and don't know of anyone who owns one who can help us. Landlord won't be in office until this Wednesday.
[deleted]: Look, dude. Get a wire coat hanger, straighten it out as best you can and then take one end of it and start wrapping it around the handle of the plunger (I assume it's roundish). The goal here is to get a corkscrew tip on the end of the hanger. Ram it down the toilet and twist so that it screws into the washcloth.
I've done it for hair clumps in a shower drain. I'm not sure how it'll go with a toilet and a washcloth, but it cant do any more damage than is already done.
bluejedi72: Don't have a wire coathanger gggrrrr
-My_Other_Account-: Go buy one?
bluejedi72: I have $11.32 in my home. In my checking account, I have $0.29. In my savings account, I have $0.57. This is all I have until the first of the month. All my friends and family are just as broke as I am.
A snake at walmart in town costs $13.99, plus tax. That is the cheapest I could find one, and I don't have the money. *SIGH*
-My_Other_Account-: Do you have a dollar store nearby? Call them and ask if they have wire hangers. The last time I bought wire coat hangers a few years ago they were $1.00 for a pack of 8 at dollar tree.
If you have a flyswatter with the wire metal handle, this will work too.
bluejedi72: they don't care them. Safety reasons. They only have plastic. Gawd I suck.
-My_Other_Account-: :( That really sucks. I'm sorry.
Maybe ask a neighbor for one or make a post on craigslist?
| 8 | 2 | |
1405877532 | 1405939984 | t3_2b812v | t5_2to41 | 7 | justplainsour: TIFU by being a miserable fuck a faking being deaf
I am not a big people person. Generally I find them ignorant and irritating so I avoid them as much as possible. Today, for some odd reason, I went to do a small amount of laundry in the laundry room in the middle of the day, something I rarely, if ever, do so I don't have to encounter, you know...people.
So today the laundry room was pretty clear, no one was in there to speak of, and I was almost finished when a woman from the complex came in a said, "Hello". I smiled and nodded my head in a brief acknowledgement as I made eye contact with her and continued about my business. She then continued to talk and I ignored her, continuing to finish my laundry in hopes she would eventually stop her attempted interaction. I was finishing up on the last few pieces of clothes when she finally asked me a question, "Have you lived her long?", something she had yet to do, just as I made eye contact with her again. At this point there was no way I couldn't respond as she was looking at me dead in the eyes, waiting for a response.
Quick thinking made me point to my ears and shake my head as I mouthed without verbalizing, "I'm deaf". Excited, she quickly responded by using sign language, what appeared to be fluently.
I grabbed all of my stuff and walked out as fast as I possibly could. I'm such a dick.
Yeah, TIFU. Bad.
LiirFlies: I feel like you'd make awful company.
justplainsour: Depends on the company I'm in. I enjoy interesting people who have substance and who care for others. Most people aren't like that.
LiirFlies: I think you're just plain sour.
justplainsour: Indeed.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1405878487 | 1405895037 | t3_2b82hb | t5_2to41 | 28 | i_forgot_my_towel: TIFU by going to visit my family..
So, I guess technical I fucked up yesterday, when we flew in to take my very shy toddler to visit my side of the family.
Almost as soon as we got here, tensions heated up because my Very Shy Toddler (VST) didn't instantly warm up to everyone. Cue 2 hours of him starting to poke his head out from behind me, immediately being reached for, and retreating. Then there was a screaming match over whether the VST wanted noodles or peas for dinner, while I tried to calmly tell everyone to chill the fuck out and that he wouldn't eat either, hence why I bought him fucking yogurts.
My mom copes with the drama by getting drunk, forcefully grabbing my toddler and trying to pull him into her lap, and almost tipping him clear over onto her glass of liquor.
At this point, I grab the kid, say enough is enough, and retreat to the guest room, only to hear them standing outside the door bitching about how he goes too bed top early/they hardly got to see him/etc. It was 11 fucking pm our time, and he was overwhelmed and they were starting to try to force him into interacting. Fuck that.
Cue thus morning, and another battle over whether he wants eggs or toast for breakfast (neither, as I explained whole making his breakfast). And now my grandma is pouting and leaving the room every time he comes in (finally started exploring and opening up) because he doesn't like her and it breaks her heart to see him afraid. He's afraid because every time he toddles slightly off-kilter, without even falling, she shrieks like a banshee and scares the shit out of him.
And to top it off, my husband called having his own overwhelmed moment trying to bandages pet covering from an injury, and is now insisting we not have any more kids because he can't handle taking care of things. Too fucking late, we started trying for a second last month. You so great with the VST, you'll be fine.
It's bad enough that he came running up and said "Mommy I want to go night night!", so we went to the guest room. He hasn't napped during the day in months. We're watching Mr. Rogers and hiding.
TL:DR: My family is narcissistic and my husband freaks out when a chicken plucks a few feathers out. I'm heading to Mexico.
bowmaster17: Your family sounds like idiots/assholes judging by the behavior.
i_forgot_my_towel: Thanks, sometimes you just need to hear it from other people.
bowmaster17: Yeah, nobody should rush the acclimatization of an infant or toddler into another enviroment. That's asking for the toddler to reject those people or become afraid of them. Source: my family did the same thing with me, and I can't stand those that did. When I was a baby
| 4 | 7 | |
1405873780 | 1405957404 | t3_2b7vjq | t5_2to41 | 27 | RumpelStiltskin0: TIFU by making a kid with special needs eat 5 yoghurts in a "Yoghurt Off"
So this happened maybe a week ago not today. Let me set the scene first, I am doing a residential stay at a college for a government funded scheme to give kids something to put on their CV. The college that we are staying at for this section of the scheme is one that helps special needs children and adults develop life skills and look after themselves.
The residents can go pretty much wherever they want and a few of them were talking to me and the other people that dont go to the college and then one of the kids(lets call him John) turns up carrying a tray with maybe 20 yoghurts. We all take the piss out of him because he reckons he can eat all 20. So he begins. After about 8 he is starting to feel ill but we keep making him eat them because he gives into peer pressure really easily. Then one of the residents at the college with special needs comes over and asks "What you doin'?" I explain to him that John has been eating a load of yoghurts and he feels ill. Without hesitation the guy says "I could beat anyone in a yoghurt off!" I wanted to see what a yoghurt off was so I said "Go grab a spoon." Seconds later he has returned proudly displaying his spoon. I told John what was going on and he said alright. We laid out 5 Yoghurts in a row ready for them to begin.
On three both of them starting eating their Yoghurts. John wasn't doing that well and he was eating it slowly. The other kid was blistering ahead. With yoghurt all around his mouth and quite a bit on the floor I decided that this looked awful as 15 or so kids crowded around a yoghurt eating contest laughing at a special needs child, who was dominating by the way.
Anyway John clearly lost... Both the contestants felt extremely sick afterwards and John threw up a couple times. The other kid went to bed shortly after that and I didn't see him for the rest of the stay... The following evening we were banned from going inside the bar where it had taken place either for the yoghurt mess or for making him eat yoghurt. If you're reading this, Yoghurt Eating Champion, I am sorry.
TL;DR I made a kid with special needs sick after he ate 5 yoghurts in break neck speed and got banned from a bar.
[deleted]: What flavor?
RumpelStiltskin0: creamy strawberry
Reenigav: How large we're these yogurts, family size?
RumpelStiltskin0: 300ml maybe?
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1405879524 | 1405882197 | t3_2b842t | t5_2to41 | 8 | redheaddreadhead: TIFU By announcing someone's vehicle was being towed and it was my trainer.
Well, this happened about two weeks ago and I feel okay to tell it now.
I started this new job for some side income and the only position they had was a hostess. So my first day, I meet up with my trainer whom seemed pretty cool. I suck when it comes to first impressions sometimes because I'm the type to not sugar coat anything. Anyway, the shift is going well and everybody seems to get along.
I noticed that my hair tie that was holding my hair together had broke, so I went out to my car to get my spare.
When I walk outside, I see a repo truck hit the corner,
"Now who would repo someone's shit while they're eating..."
I start to question if I paid my note and confirm that I did. All of the sudden, they started to back up towards a nice looking car.
"awww mannn, it's finna go down!"
So I run back into the restaurant and get my trainer and tell him:
"Yo, someone's get they shit towed!"
Customers hear me and they started to look out their booth windows.
Then suddenly I hear:
"What color is the car?"
"It's blue!"
"What type?"
"IDK, I guess a Toyota"
My trainer dropped everything he had and busted for the door.
I just stood there and watched him screaming and waving at the repo man to stop them.
I felt like shit...people were watching...just watching.
Suddenly, the GM comes out...Jesus...why...
They did take his car and the rest of the shift was just horrible. I got stares and cold shoulders. Turns out the guy is well loved.
When my shift was over, I had ordered something to eat...my food had a weird taste to it...
I haven't eaten there since.
Since then, he has come down along with everyone esle, but I still feel like a jerk
:(
kingofsealand: Hows that your problem? Not your fault the guy is getting his car towed, nor should you have been trying to stop them from taking his car. It definitely sucks for him and is a sucky coincidence for you but IDK why theyd do anything to your food or hate you over it. Were they mad that all the customers were starting at the genius employee?
redheaddreadhead: because his "best friend" works the line...
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1405881190 | 1405928412 | t3_2b86q1 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by not waking my BF up in time
19 minutes ago, I fucked up.
My BF loves Dota2 and it's currently time for The International 4. It's also 92°F outside and hence, he doesn't sleep well at night. A few hours ago, he falls asleep on the couch in front of the AC, and I let him sleep, figuring he needs the sleep. He did, wakes up happily a few hours later, asks for the time, and gets instamad. The day's tournament started two hours ago, I didn't know, I didn't look it up. A fight ensues, with him sitting now back to me, headphones on, ignoring me and watching the game. This is my life right now. I feel bad. TIFU.
Atinybitscattered: He's a grown ass man. He's old enough to set an alarm or even politely ask you to be sure he's up at a certain time. Tell him to stop acting like a 7 year old that's throwing a fit.
palindrex: >Dota2
>grown ass man
...mh.
nTranced: Because people of all ages can't enjoy video games. Right.
palindrex: Throwing a hissifit like a 12 year old *and* playing *not just any* video game is what I was trying to point out.
nTranced: His reaction was the problem. His choice of game was not the problem. People have different likes and dislikes, why would you judge them based on that?
palindrex: Because I have an issue with e-sports as they seemingly nurture that kind of behavior, substituting what I believe to be the wonderful thing about video games, i.e. providing enjoyment and at times relaxation, for competetiveness and thusly stress. Couple that with a certain persona and someone feels as though they fucked up when they really haven't.
DotA as of itself is the total opposite of what I think make games great, so there you have my opinion.
nTranced: Well that's the thing, some people get enjoyment from video games through relaxation and some find it in the competitiveness of the game. Personally I like both kinds, and I don't think either one is more "correct" than the other. It's silly to think less of someone just because they like different things than you do.
palindrex: And where the fuck did I ever write that I think less of people because they play DotA? That guy has problems beyond DotA, and the nature of that game is driving him to be an ass. I think less of that person because he's a fuck nut, not because of what he's playing.
I only just realized that he's not participating at all and just wanted to *watch* other people play games...?
Oh *come on*
SirAnnihilate: I dont know if you know much about DotA, but for a DotA fan missing International games is the same as a soccer fan missing games from the world cup or a football fan missing half of the superbowl.
Of course, the guy is an absolute moron and deserves no pity for being such an ass, just trying to help put in perspective *why* he's so annoyed, even if it is completely unjustifiable.
palindrex: I understand that it's comparable, that is actually what annoys me so much.
I guess in both cases totally irrational fan culture and behavior help killing it for me.
| 11 | 2.818182 | |
1405879258 | 1405928146 | t3_2b83nx | t5_2to41 | 147 | Throwitawayyyo: TIFU by saying yes.
Before I get into this, please be aware that my formatting is going to be terrible and my thoughts may not flow well between paragraphs. I'm not in the best state of mind while writing this. I apologize if this is better suited for one of the many relationship subreddits as well. INB4 wall of text.
I've been in a relationship for 4 and a half years now. It started my senior, her junior, year in high school. I asked her to prom, she said yes and the rest is history. We have always been what appeared to be an extremely happy couple. I have always loved her and she has always loved me. Fights were few and far between, mostly about me not being open about my feelings. We married last November.
In high school, I was always that one guy in class. The one who never did his homework but some how managed to pass every year. The one who refused to study and scraped by with doing well on tests/exams. That was me. By the end of high school, I hated myself for it. I was extremely lazy and disliked where I was headed. Before we had started dating, I decided I would join the military. I needed this in my life. I needed the discipline, the structure and something to strive for in life.
We dated. I loved it, I loved her. I couldn't figure out how someone like me could even hope to date someone like her. I was floored. Every morning I'd wake up and be excited to see her. I couldn't wait. Nothing would hold me back, day or night. I wanted to spend every waking moment that I could with her. Protect her, be there for her. Never let anyone take her away from me. I cannot express in words how truly happy I was. She was the love of my life.
Fast forward two years: I join the military, she goes to college. I suppose this is where it all changed. I had too much time to myself, I started to forget all the original feelings. I started to let my mind become numb to the way I was treating her. I know that I started treating her in a way that she didn't deserve. I would get annoyed at small things, I'd find ways to avoid talking to her. I would do everything that I could to keep her at a distance and I'm still not sure why. She always wanted to Skype, but I'd tell her that I didn't like it. She'd want to talk on the phone, but again, I'd tell her I couldn't stand it. Yet, I would sit on Skype all day with friends, playing games and not caring. Why couldn't I do that with her? What changed?
Fast forward to last November: She came to visit. I was.. Not as happy about that as I should have been. In the beginning when she'd visit me, I couldn't keep my eyes or hands off her. Now.. It became almost a chore. I could recognize this, yet I couldn't/wouldn't do anything about it. She would talk to me about her feelings, how she felt that I couldn't open up to her. She began to simply accept that I couldn't open up but the truth was that I could and I can. Just not to her. I think she started to realize this too. One morning, she asked me to marry her right then. I said yes. I couldn't hurt her. I was too timid. I didn't want the burden of a hurt woman on my mind. It would devastate her. I had to do it. We married and she went back to college. We are husband and wife. No longer two distinct individuals.
May. She comes to visit for the summer. 4 months alone with her. That's all I could think of. I wasn't happy. I was to the point of dismay. I wanted my alone time. Why did she have to come? What was she gaining out of it? It never crossed my mind that she simply wanted to be with me. She started to notice that I was treating her differently. More like a friend than a lover, than a wife. She ignored it. She let herself slip slowly down hill the longer she stayed. She stopped talking to friends, family, loved ones. She ignored everyone else, for me. She put everything she was into me but I couldn't reciprocate. Why? What is wrong with me? I'd like to think it was because I had grown up. That she stayed in the past and that I was moving forward. That I had become and disciplined individuals, while she was relatively care free. I'd like to blame it on that, I would but I know that's not what it was. I wanted something different. I hadn't been with anyone else after all. I knew nothing but her out side of work. We'd have discussions about why I was treating her in such a manner. She'd tell me it wasn't right. I'd apologize and promise I'd treat her better. I knew that if I kept doing this, I'd lose her but that didn't stop me..
July. My best friend of 10 years is back from another country visiting before she leaves the States for 2 more. My wife hates her. I'd always spend more time on Skype with her than I would talking to my wife. I could open up to her. I wasn't afraid to talk to her about anything. I decide to visit, but I don't tell my wife. She'd only get mad and she wouldn't understand. She's only been with me for 4 years, she can't possibly understand why I'd visit someone I've known for 10. I lie, saying I'm visiting my best guy friend in a different state. I meet her and everything is great. She introduces me to all of her friends back home, we go to bars and have a good time. I spend the nights in her apartment, which only has one bed left that we share. I don't think anything of it, she's my best friend. She tells me she loves me. I tell her that I love her but not as a best friend. As more. I always have, truly. For the past 10 years, I just ignored it because she wasn't ever there. I couldn't lie to myself in front of her any longer. All these feelings rushed forward and I couldn't control them any longer. She wasn't just my best friend, she was the love of my life. I had only just then realized. I told her it'd be best if I left in the morning, for the both of us. She agreed. We spent the night in a hotel, in separate beds this time. That morning as we're saying good bye, I gave into my feelings. We had sex. Without thinking, I had cheated on my wife with my best friend she hated. The best friend that my wife let me talk to so often, despite her not liking it. I had betrayed her trust.
I drove home. 10 hours straight only stopping for gas. Finally, alone. I could think clearly and felt like a new man. I could finally recognize all the times I treated her badly, all the love she put into the relationship that I didn't reciprocate. I had to tell her. I had to stop her. I couldn't let her become some empty shell and I couldn't lie to her. I couldn't bare to stand her be stuck with me when I couldn't give her what she needed. Someone to simply be open and love her. I was a vacuum, am a vacuum.
The one word that no married couple wants to hear came out. Divorce. I decided that I couldn't give her what she needs and that she needs someone else. Someone who can be how I was at the beginning. We had a calm discussion about it. Decided to use this marriage as a learning experience. That doesn't change the fact that I fucked up, I feel that it makes it worse. She was destroyed, not initially, it took a day for it all to sink in.
She left for home this morning and I'm in the worst state of mind I have ever been in. I destroyed a marriage. I destroyed a friendship. I am alone. My best friend will not talk to me about it. My wife is on a 16 hour drive back home with her father and there is no one else that I trust to talk to about this. I cannot open up to many people and the one that I can, won't talk to me..
So Reddit. TIFU not only my life, but the lives of two others. I am truly sorry.
Tl;dr
I married a woman that I loved, cheated on her with my best friend and I am now alone.
[deleted]: I apologize in advance, but I will be blunt. We all do some poor choices. I did some major ones of my own, and they are haunting me to this day. Her life and self-confidence come before the need for cleansing your own sense of guilt. This could (read: "will") ruin her whole sentimental life and approach to people, so you -MUST- be really careful in your handling all the issue: she will start overthinking about what -she- did wrong and such, whereas it was just you being an ass (no actual offence meant, just couldn't find a better word). At least you're being honest around here about it. At least you should lie to her as to the motives, to sweeten the "pill" in any way possible.
And yes, make treasure of this episode, of how you're feeling now, of how you think you made her feel. Swallow the bitterness, flush your pride and try and not do the same mistake again.
Throwitawayyyo: I really appreciate you being blunt. Please don't apologize for it. I need it. I know that I fucked up and I know the way that I treated her before was terrible.
We've talked about how it's essentially ruined her whole sentimental life and approach to people as well. I know that I've done it and feel horrible for it. I've already talked to her about my motives, I think she deserves the truth at least. The last thing I'd like to do is lie to her at this point. It's the most honest I feel I've ever been able to be with her.
[deleted]: The thing is, you're already done a lot of damage, and telling her you cheated on her would just be overkill. I did the same identical thing, thinking that honesty would be better for everyone and shit, but in hindsight, I can assure you that not mentioning the cheating would have been so much better for the girl in question.
In the same hindsight, I can also tell you that you are just deluding yourself, as I did myself: you really want to tell her to feel better yourself, to ease off some of the guilt, and because you don't wanna live with a lie haunting your thoughts for the rest of your life (yes, that's what will happen, unless you're a conscience-deprived total moron, which doesn't seem to be the case).
My point being, since the damage has been done and cannot be undone, you might as well try and limit the collateral by, yes, saying a white lie (as weird as it seem "I don't really love you" sounds much better than "I fucked with my best friend whom you always were wary of", and also the former will have much less an impact on her future self-esteem and trust-capability than the latter): just do whatever will make her suffer the least.
Again, just my blunt 2 cents, from personal experience.
deadfulscream: Came here to just say this exact thing.
I broke up with my boyfriend back in October because I had cheated on him a few times, it was a situation where I wasn't really feeling it anymore and someone that I had hooked up with prior to him came back into my life. He never knew of this previous hook up, nor did I tell him that I cheated on him.
I know that I'm a scumbag for cheating on him, I've hooked up with this guy literally minutes before I was supposed to meet my ex.
When I broke it off with him, I told him that I wasn't happy in the relationship, he didn't take it well, but I figure either way I'm going to come off as a douche, so which would be better for him, telling him that I cheated on him or that I was no longer happy, I felt that no longer happy would be easier as he knew that I was working a day and night job, previous to that I was in school full time during the day and working full time at night.
Part of the reason that I justified it to myself was that I suspected him of cheating on me before was that I would only have weekends to spend with him, and he said to me one day that he loves spending Saturday night with me, but just needed Sunday to himself. Also, about a week after we broke up, he had a new boyfriend.
Throwitawayyyo: I have already told her that I cheated. It would be unfair to her otherwise. I understand where you would want to protect them, but I couldn't lie any longer. I lived too long without being able to share my feelings with her and she deserved the truth, for once. Albeit, a terrible one.
HeavyMetalTuna: I think it's great that you told her you cheated as it will teach her to trust her intuition inn future situations. Alsocongratulations on finally being true to yourself. I wish you the best in all your future relationships in life. Just remember to listen to how you are feeling in order to avoid complications in the future.
HeavyMetalTuna: As a side note, learn to be completely pen with yourself before getting in any other serious relationships.
| 8 | 18.375 | |
1405883810 | 1405885043 | t3_2b8ayi | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by wiping my ass with poison ivy
Actually happened a few years back, but I figured now is as good a time as any to share.
So a few summers back I was playing soccer for my local team at a small sports complex in the evening. And during said game I was hit by an irresistible urge to empty my bowel. I ran to the sidelines and got subbed off as quickly as possible. Prairie dogging the whole way, I made it just in time to the one and only biffy in the vicinity. I did my business quickly without checking to see if the proper wiping materials were on hand. And of course as I finished up I reached to the dispenser only to feel nothing. At this point I could either play the rest of the game with an unwiped ass or find something to wipe with in the woods behind the biffy. It was quite dark at that point and I couldn't really see what I was reaching for as I grabbed at the nearest thing to wipe with. And off I went to finish the rest of the game.
The next day, with my ass and hand covered in a horrible itchy painful rash, it dawned upon me just how stupid I was the night before. If it had been any normal summer though I would have just laid low for awhile and avoid any social contact to save my blushes. However this was no normal summer. Two days after the incident occurred I was heading over to spend two weeks living in Sweden with a family I had never met, as part of a soccer exchange (I hosted a kid the summer before). So I went to urgent care to find out what exactly I had done to my poor butt. It was, as I expected, poison ivy. So I told them of my immanent travel plans and received all the necessary drugs and ointments necessary to control the horribly placed rash that ran from my balls to my coccyx.
Anyways, it was the worst flight of my life as I had to sit still for an 18 hour flight and had to take my special lotion and lather up in the bathroom periodically. I also had to explain to everyone what my situation was when they asked why I kept leaving to go to the bathroom with a bottle of lotion.
Though I can't complain as it was still a tip of a lifetime I'll never forget.
CanofLag: All you needed was the title for the tifu
[deleted]: What this guy said. :D
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1405882984 | 1405946926 | t3_2b89o5 | t5_2to41 | 391 | [deleted]: TIFU by relieving myself in an elevator
A group of about eight of us were on a company trip and staying in a decent enough hotel. After we exhausted the happy hour and free bar food, we made preparations to head out.
Something shifted in my stomach.
"Hold on guys, lemme go to my room real quick."
Walking to the elevator, I felt a huge amount of pressure building in my lower intestine. What the fuck? Am I actually going to shit myself or is this gas?
I got on an empty elevator with butt cheeks clenched but... oh shit, please no. I basically had a 50/50 shot of this event being a lot of gas or an explosion of liquid shit.
[**Goddamnit! It's coming!**](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UjdaitElVjY/Tcdi0iNp4iI/AAAAAAAADs8/JgrW9m-gSps/s1600/noooo.jpg)
["Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttt! Pfft."](http://tricorder.at/wp-content/uploads/HLIC/796cbd83fcef28122230745eb86b0a32.jpg)
This was no ordinary fart. This was the stuff of legends. It last no less than 10 seconds and burned the entire time. The odor was not unlike a bean burrito that you eat, shit out, turn into another bean burrito and then microwave. It was absolutely putrid.
At this point I was just thankful that I didn't shit myself. I honestly didn't know if it was gas or butt mud. I still had to go pretty urgently but at least I didn't have liquid poop filling my shoes... yet.
Fuck I really gotta go still.
The elevator door opens and I see [**THIS**](http://www.whitehousecarehome.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/two-old-ladies.jpg).
Overcome with the almost uncontrollable urge to shit and stricken with shame, I b-lined past them and made for the toilet, room key in hand.
The only thing I heard from them was, in a sweet little old lady voice was, "Oh, Jesus Christ!"
I was sweating by the time I got my belt undone and started a "mid-sit" stream of pure ass-piss. It was a close call.
**TL;DR -** I thought I was about to shit myself on an elevator but released a massive death cloud from my ass. The elevator door opened, I got off and two old ladies almost died when they got on.
Edit: spelling
leudruid: My dorm, the thing to do was get aboard an empty one at the top floor and cut one on the way down, get off on the second floor and race down the stairs so you could check out the reactions of the boarding passengers on the first floor.
blizzardinaugust: Apparently at one point in time, it was popular to do the following: take a garbage can and fill it with water. Now shit in said can. Put it in an elevator and select lobby/main entrance, leaning it in such a way that when the doors closed, the can would only have those to keep everything from spilling everywhere. Mayhem will ensue.
nidras: I'm confused, how would you get out of the elevator after you rigged the trap?
qzapmlwxonskjdhdnejj: Hold your hand out of the door. Make the trashcan lean towards the doors. Doors will slowly close and last moment you let the trashcan go, which will then position itself in that small crack between the doors.
bobstay: What could possibly go wrong.
qzapmlwxonskjdhdnejj: A lot. Thats why I never tried it. Ill leave to honor to do it to you bobstay!
| 7 | 55.857143 | |
1405885267 | 1405885723 | t3_2b8d9t | t5_2to41 | 12 | Nickemjay: TIFU by riding my bike past a basketball court.
So this happened a few months ago, but I thought it would fit well here.
I had been riding a fixed gear bicycle for about 6 months already. For those of you who aren't aware of what a fixed gear bike is, it is one where the pedals and the back tire are connected by a chain, just like a regular bike, but the difference is that you can't coast on a fix gear. If the pedals go forward, the tire goes forward. If you pedal backwards, the tire goes backwards. If you want to stop, you can do a few things, but I was either just resisting the flow of the pedals, or doing a skid stop. I had been practicing a skid stop for quite some time, as it is one that requires decent timing, and some strong muscles! To do a skid stop you have to basically lock the pedals in place by leaning forward on your handle bars, and locking your legs in place, so the pedals can't spin, therefore stopping your tires, and causing you to skid. It looks awesome, and is extremely satisfying to do!
I was working in the city all day long, and I rode my bike to work. After work, I was biking home, practicing my skid stop the whole way. Once I got close to my house I decided that I was going to go faster and faster, practicing the skid stop. I was going really really fast as I biked past a basketball court, and thought it would get a good reaction if I did a skid stop right there and then, skidding majestically to a stop. Unfortunately, I didn't time it right, which caused the bike to not stop at all, and instead flip forward insanely fast causing me to slam on the ground in front of a packed basketball court. I manned up, and tried to ride my bike back home after that, but I had bent basically everything on it in the process. So I walked home, bloody, with a bent bicycle, head hung in shame.
tl;dr I tried to show off on my bicycle, instead I got thrown off in an insanely painful spectacle.
tommaco81: I actually was there....took a video of the whole thing...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJXU7EVXs2A
MistrDarp: Holy shit that's crazy! Only on reddit could a coincidence like that happen!
| 3 | 4 | |
1405886118 | 1405893252 | t3_2b8elf | t5_2to41 | 24 | Agent_Rikke: TIFU by leaving my phone downstairs.
I stayed up late last night playing videogames. I've been looking for a job so by habit, I've been keeping my phone on me at all times.
When I finally went to bed, my arms were full and I only realized that I left my phone downstairs when I got to my room.
"No worries" I thought, I'll get it in the morning.
Well come morning, something woke me up at half past 9. My arm was asleep, so I figured it was that and hit it off the wall a couple of times. After that was sorted out, I figured I'd go get my phone. It wasn't where I left it, in fact I couldn't find it anywhere.
"I'm too tired to turn the living room upside down to find where I left it" I thought, and went back to bed.
Later, I woke up due to 1 of my housemates coming downstairs. We meet in the living room and I ask if he's seen my phone. Nope. But his laptop is missing, too. In fact, so is his iPod, and the other guys laptop, too. He calls my phone, but it is switched off. My housemate says that his gf has a habit of leaving the door ~~open~~ unlocked when she leaves for work at 9. Her friend that was staying over left at 20 past 9, also leaving the door unlocked as she had no key.
It's then we realize that we need to phone the police.
After a very frustrating day (most of which we spent outside so as not to contaminate the scene), still nothing. The police aren't optimistic and no usable prints were found in our living room.
And I could have avoided my stuff being stolen if I had not been lazy and taken it upstairs with me last night. Or if I had been dressed and gone outside at half 9, maybe I would have seen something. Damn.
[deleted]: Who the fuck leaves the door open when they leave?
Agent_Rikke: *Unlocked
Just occurred to me that "open" could be taken one of two ways. I've changed it. Whoops. :(
[deleted]: Ah. That's still a lazy thing to do if you have keys, but not nearly as stupid as leaving it wide open.
| 4 | 6 |
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