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1406009407 | 1406011775 | t3_2bde6u | t5_2to41 | 9 | chinnihc: TIFU by meeting with a friend
Last night i was browsing facebook and i received a message from a friend I haven't spoken to for a long time. He asks whether I have a job this summer and i replied no.
He mentions a position in his company and that he could get me working. Excitedly i asked him what kind of work is it? Without explaining, he tells me he can get me on the phone with his very successful supervisor.
I get a call from him and his supervisor enters the call. He tells me that i was spoken highly of and that we should meet for lunch tomorrow.
I knew nothing so far but i was able to get the company name from my friend. I googled it and found out it was a multi level marketing company. From then on i was no longer excited. Instead, i was fearful and indignant.
The next day i met with my friend and his supervisor. Unbeknownst to me, there were several other people brought along as well. It was so fishy i almost vomited.
The supervisor gave a presentation about how his company was so great and that it was such an opportune timing to join. He handed out print outs; one of which described the tactic my friend used last night. It was disgusting.
Finally, the supervisor said the fee to enroll was 500 dollars and many of us said we didn't have that kind of money. He then asks us two questions. One, how long have we had less than 500 dollars for? Two, what will we do to change this. After hearing this, i almost burst out laughing, because the night before i watched a YouTube video where another supervisor uttered the exact phrase.
The supervisor then tells us that he would even pay the 500 out of his own pocket for us. During that period, i was trying to find a moment to tell him i appreciate the offer but i need to think of it some more. Unfortunately, these supervisors are wizards with snakes tongue so i was unable to find a good moment to announce my departure. I felt like ripping my hair off from the anticipation for when i could exit the premise and stop the brainwashing.
After a few more minutes of the supervisor coercing us to sign the form, i couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and said I'll be in contact and quickly left.
in the end, tifu by spending one hour in a brainwashing session. Apparently i wanted to make money so i was supposed to fork over 500 dollars so that i could learn how to make others fork over their 500 dollars. Ridiculous.
kloiberin_time: I had a similar situation. I got a message from my old High-School swim coach that I had not seen since I graduated 12 years ago. He said he had something for me and that I should meet him for coffee. I figured it was some old photos or maybe a medal that I never got.
Nope, it was a packet for Primerica.
This was a few years ago. It was public knowledge to anyone on my facebook timeline that I was out of a job at that point in my life. Still, he made no reference to it being some MLM bullshit meet. That's what offended me the most about it. Had he approached me I might have declined, or maybe I would have heard his little sales pitch and gone home and googled Primerica and then turned him down, instead he fed me some bullshit line that he had something for me, and while I never flat out asked him if it was something from my swimteam past, he heavily inferred it.
I noped the fuck out of Starbucks and burned that bridge on my way out. I know I was about 28 or 29 years old when it happened, but this dude was a coach to me at one point. I looked up to this guy. I know he reached out to others, I am assuming anyone he could find that was associated with the team. There were dumb kids that grew up to be dumb adults. He had a position of authority and guidance over us at one point in our lives.
Fuck him.
chinnihc: The funny thing is that the supervisor handed out papers listing tactics to lure others to these meetings. One of which described what my friend did last night.
kloiberin_time: It's a very common tactic. I have heard of people inviting others over for a family meal and then try and use their kids or parents or whatever to try and guilt you into signing up. Like you are literally taking money out of the family budget by not signing up.
If you are charismatic and lack scruples you can make a very good living off of this bullshit. But you have to live with the fact that you have signed people up who will lose money and prevent them from trying to find a real job. And often those people are friends and family.
I can't even sell a car to a friend because I am afraid that the tranny or engine will explode and they will be screwed.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406010247 | 1406082547 | t3_2bdf4j | t5_2to41 | 10 | Nikanwh: TIFU by not graduating college on time, losing my scholarship, and ending my chances at graduate school.
Long story short, I made a 2.61 overall and bombed my major's classes last semester.
I wanted to go into a good Master's program, but now that's pretty shot.
Feels like I've ruined my life now.
something_other: I was a part of a team of 3 people who interviewed a recent college graduate who said she had a 2.7 GPA. We asked for transcripts and discovered it was a 2.4 GPA. She did a tremendous job at the interview and impressed us far more than the majority of the candidates we interviewed. We decided to go ahead and take a chance.
We also hired a woman with several years of experience, who has a master's degree.
2 weeks in and the girl with the low GPA is far exceeding our expectations and is quickly on her way to a raise. The one with the master's degree is on her way to a demotion or being fired.
TL;DR You can succeed even with a low GPA, even if it's not in the way you expected. There are employers that will give you a shot.
Hopopoto: Just to piggyback... MANY employers don't even check GPA. I had a shit GPA in school and no one had batted an eye...don't think I've even been asked during an interview and have had a couple of good paying jobs
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1405981669 | 1406033947 | t3_2bc7aa | t5_2to41 | 6 | Sillynik: TIFU by telling my classmate who has cancer that she is going to die.
So there is this girl in my class who I sit next to and talk to. Anyway she told me before that she has cancer and has to miss a lot of class because of it. One day she tells me that during the night she woke up and was weirded out because her TV was on with the movie "a walk to remember" playing. If you haven't seen that movie either,its about a girl who has cancer and dies at the end. Me, being far from a movie buff and not seeing either movies but hearing about them , confused this one with "walk the line" which is about the life of Jonny Cash. So since I confused what each movie was about,I joked and told my classmate that maybe it was a sign that she woke up in the middle of the night to this movie. I meant that it was a sign that she should be a singer but because of what happens to the girl in "a walk to remember" she took it as that I meant that it was a sign she will die.
TIFU by telling her a girl diagnosed with cancer that she will die because I spoke about a movie I haven't seen.
Sorry for any bad grammar or spelling, not the best when it comes to English.
yangYing: "you're a horrible person and I hope you die from AIDS" ... oh, wait ... I'm confusing it with that other sentence "oh well mistakes happen I hope she took it well"
Nandabun: Yeah, he could juuuust explain it to her.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406013568 | 1406182275 | t3_2bdgvl | t5_2to41 | 6 | StoryLineOne: And you should leave this post since you're unhappy too. No need to spread anger everywhere (not to sound like a 80's hippie, but meh).
ELH13: An 80's hippy? You realise that the 80's wasn't the hippies time period right? I mean sure they were around, but the 80's was more hair metal and greed.
StoryLineOne: Lol you're absolutely right. My bad. I think it was the 60's? :P
| 3 | 2 | |
1406013303 | 1406020181 | t3_2bdieb | t5_2to41 | 7 | IllogicalProgrammer: TIFU by waving at a stranger
Well, this actually happens last week, but looking at stranger waving at their friends today evoke the memory again.
Story:
I just recently change my job. People around here are very friendly. In fact, I am not sure if people from my former company was too cold, or people here are too friendly. Last week was my third week in, and I regularly see people smiling, waving and saying hi to me. Some even address me by my name.
When I first join, I need to go around shaking hand and introducing myself to everyone in the company. Most names and faces stay in my brain for about 5 seconds as I move on to the other guy. I am kinda amazed at how people can remember anyone's name.
Anyway, after lunch last week, I was walking back to company when a lady smile and wave my way. Given my previous experience, I smile and wave back. For the next 2 seconds, I saw an expression of pure horror frozen on her face. It's as if great Cthulhu just gaze right into her soul. Then, it dawn on me. She wasn't even wearing the same name card as my colleague.
The feeling of shame at the moment shoot through the roof and I just want to kill myself. I have no idea how many people there who are aware of my fuck up and how many are from my company.
This is not the first time I wave at stranger, but previous case was intentional. I wave at them for fun and they laughed, likely knowing that I was intentional. But the horror expression of her face, my feeling at that moment. Oh, god why?
angypangy: I don't... understand this FU
IllogicalProgrammer: It wasn't a major FU. I simply wave at wrong person, mistaken her as my colleague from new company. It was the embarrassment afterward that make it so bad. Never had I felt so embarrassed before.
TuppyEatYou: Sounds like anxiety to me, this is pretty common, don't stress.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1406014391 | 1406144664 | t3_2bdjio | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying McDonalds
So I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks, nice gal. There was one thing about her though, and that she was one of those health freaks that stay away from anything that have nicknames (i.e. the Big Mac, the Whopper, etc.) and would give me a lecture about how foods such as those were "destroying" my body.
Anyways, I was out shopping for gifts to give to my mother (I invited my parents over) for her birthday, and after several hours in the mall I got hungry and decided to buy some fast food... *McDonalds*. I walked in and got a regular meal, the quarter pounder meal with fries and a coke. After finishing the meal I decided to play with my phone for a bit, while sipping on my coke. I'm sitting there and guess who I see? *My girlfriend* walking in and ordering a meal.
Now I have two options:
1. I can quickly leave through the other entrance and pretend I never saw her
2. Confront her about it
So I take the obvious choice and leave, attempting to ignore what I just saw. Fast forward a few hours and I'm back home cuddling with my girlfriend, playing around on my bed. I happened to burp and the stench of so called 100% beef with american cheese leave my mouth, and my girlfriend smells it. She asks what it is and at this point (I'm not very bright in these situations) I'm blubbering and she starts accusing me of eating McDonalds or Wendy's, yelling how I promised her I wouldn't eat at fast food restaurants, etc, etc, and I come up with the great idea to start yelling at her about what I saw, how I saw her ordering food at the very restaurant I ordered food at. Both of us at this point are yelling at each other, with insults flying back and forth like "You're a controlling bitch who won't let me eat what I want," and "You're a fat slob who doesn't care what enters his body." After 10 minutes of arguing she starts choking and releases her bodily fluids out of her mouth. Now I'm the type of person who can't stand gore, let alone a puddle of what I can assume to be a half digested filet-o-fish, so I end up throwing up too and both of us end up covered (at least our legs were) up with whatever came out of our mouths.
All while this is happening my mother walks in because apparently my door wasn't locked and she heard us arguing, only to see both my girlfriend and I covered in vomit with our heads looking like bright red tomatoes. Needless to say I haven't heard from Sally since and I haven't talked to my parents in a week.
tl;dr- I ate some mcdonalds, my health conscious girlfriend eats some too, we start cuddling, mcdonalds burp happens, we throw up all over each other while arguing, and my mother walks in on us.
Yun548: Well, obviously she tried to make you understand the fact that you might be overweighted. But trying to deprive someone of a liberty, whatever this is, isn't the right way to get a result, I found it's the worst way to grow motivation.
LuckyStarBunny: Nothing motivates people to do a thing quite so much as simply telling them they cannot do that thing.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1406012561 | 1406049396 | t3_2bdhmj | t5_2to41 | 5 | thrashers7: TIFU, by seeing a giant bug.
This just happened and I'm too confused and scared by "my" own actions to go back to sleep. Let me tell you what I thought happened, and then give my cousin (Let's call her , Joanne, for namesake), and everyone else's perspective and what actually happened. I'm on vacation at my grandparent's house with my cousins, it's about 2:15 AM right now and I just gave the entire house quite a scare. My cousins and I sleep in the same room.
I awoke to Joanne, complaining about a big bug on the wall. I look across the room where she is supposed to be sleeping and see a millipede the size of a dinner plate walking around on the wall. Panic ensues, as I am mortified of bugs. I run down the stairs and call for grandmother to get the bug. My heart is pounding as she looks shocked when I say, "There's a bug the size of a fucking dinner plate in there!" She is a wonderful old woman and isn't used to me swearing, let alone a bug the size of a dinner plate on the wall. Anyway, she grabs some bug spray and a paper towel and I follow her back upstairs. At this point I've also woken up my other cousin in the room, and my grandfather who is damn near deaf from being in the Navy. I follow my grandmother into the room from where I was sleeping to find Joanne in shock, but no big bug anywhere to be seen. Extremely confused (as everyone else was) I got back into bed being told that I must have been dreaming, and that whatever I saw wasn't real.
To clear things up I do have a problem with extremely vivid dreams, and I tend to talk ( and I guess scream, whatever it may be.) while sleeping. I've also been told I sit up while I sleep. I also sometimes have carried on conversations (though I might not be making any sense.) while sleeping and then the next morning, only to have have no memory of ever talking. I always tell Joanne and my other cousin to tell me if I say/do anything while sleeping because I like to here about what I'm not in control of. Though now I'm not to happy about hearing what actually happened (Aside from this dinner plate sized bug not being real, I value knowing that isn't real.)
Joanne tells me that she hand't been asleep but browsing around on her phone and she hadn't gone to sleep just yet. Supposedly what had actually happened was, it wasn't Joanne that woke me up. It was myself. I apparently sat up in my sleep (normal for her to see, as I said I do this sometimes.), but the one small difference in it all was, I didn't just lay back down and carry on with my slumber. I started screaming, loudly. It started out with, " HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!" I repeated that as I proceeded to jump out of my bed, over the bed next to mine (apparently clearing it by about 2 feet.), out the door and down the steps (which start right next to the bedroom's open door.), all while yelling, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT‽ HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT‽ HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT‽" over and over again. At some point going down I missed a step and took a tumble down the rest of the steps. I only really became fully aware of where I was, and what I was doing when I reached the bottom of the steps, with a loud bang. I didn't remember falling, I didn't remember screaming, I did "see" a giant bug, though nobody else did. Though my body was slightly bruised and cut from the fall it hadn't occurred to me until reaching the top of the stairs again that my foot, arm, well everything hurt from taking a spill down the stairs.
Since this has never happened to me before, I'm wondering, does this happen to other people? Also is it normal? And is there anyway to fix this?
Apologies for any grammatical errors, I just wanted somebody to see this, and hopefully as a side bonus, explain to me what the hell just happened to me.
TL;DR
Saw a giant bug on the wall, it wasn't real. Panicked, fell down the stairs yelling obscenities, woke up the whole house.
something_other: > Does this happen to other people?
Yes. It's sleepwalking. Intense sleepwalking, yes, but sleepwalking.
> Is it normal?
Well, it's a medical condition/symptom, so I wouldn't say "normal" exactly, but if you're asking if you have some psychotic disorder, it's likely not that.
> Is there any way to fix this?
Well, you could try talking to your doctor. It would probably depend on what was causing it.
Hope that helped.
thrashers7: Thank you very much for the information. It was just confusing having never experienced or seen anything like it before.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406011866 | 1406162941 | t3_2bdgxq | t5_2to41 | 10 | ndt28570: TIFU was way to fucked up
I want to start by saying I haven't been using reddit long and this is my first post and the first time I'm going to every tell this story. Not even the people around me at the time knew what really happened. If this is not the right place for the story, I believe it is, or I mess anything up just tell me in the comments or message me and I will remember it and learn.
**start story here**
So a this actually happened a while ago when I use to get high. It was weed and I've quit since then, so I'm clean. There was five of us total, all at a friends who's parents didn't care so we where smoking inside his room. Now I had stopped for a while before this and when I restarted I had weird side affects where I felt like I may have pissed myself. And I never did. And I was scared I actually would even though I never had.
So I had just gotten high and everyone is talking in the room and I'm zoned out playing a game, tripping, and I feel like I pissed myself so I get up and leave the room and say nothing. This confuses them but they ignore it and I go to his kitchen. I pull my jeans down some to look and his mom comes into the kitchen and just says "oh my". I had already pulled them up some so I quickly pull them all the way up, but I'm sure she saw my dick, and go to his bathroom to calm down.
I splash water on my face and look in the mirror for like 10 minutes. It gets worse. I start to trip even more and it looks like everything is moving and my body is twisting and my shirt is larger then anything. Unexplainable high unless you've been there. At this point my friends start to wonder what's going on so they try to tell me to come out. One knocks and goes "ya taken a shit" I forgot they where there and just say no, in a weak voice. He knocks again and goes "ya jerkin off" and they leave and my other friend comes. She says "are you okay. What's going on" and I just start to phase out and black out some. I start crying and I just say. What, yes, no. So confused and when I come out they are all sitting in there and I sit on the floor like nothing happened. To be honest at this point I blacked out and didn't come to till we are walking home and everyone is laughing and I think they are laughing at me. My paranoia kicks in and I start freaking out asking what happened. What I did. And they just laugh at me and I'm never able to know what I actually did.
**TL;DR I use to be stupid and do drugs. I felt like I pissed myself. My friends mom saw my dick. I tripped in a bathroom and started crying. Blacked out. Came to. Freaked out.**
So I'm sorry if this doesn't belong her. Please inform me. I have better ones but this is one that really scared me and I think is a huge fuck up. But maybe not. The others are worse so I may try them out later.
808metz: That's just odd man. Not like any weed high I've ever experienced or heard of. Definitely sounds like something else was going on though.
You're just one the few who shouldn't smoke I guess.. Some people simply can't fucking handle it.
ndt28570: You're like completely right. When ever I first started I would only stay at my friends house when I did it so my grandparents wouldn't find out and I threw up almost everytime. It was funny sometimes and we laughed and sometimes I woke up his grandparents because I was really fucking loud. Then after I stopped that shit started happening. I assume it increased my heart rate causing me to sweat even if I wasn't hot.
808metz: Sorry to hear that man. Weed is a beautiful thing. Maybe you're smoking some bad shit.
Roll a nice littler pinner joint. Take a couple puffs and chill. I take it you're probably over doing it?
ndt28570: I stopped because it's not legal here and my grandparents found out and don't want me to. When I get older and I have a more stable living place I may do it occasionally if legal. But before I stopped I could hit bongs and gbs with out dying. After I stopped and restarted I would have to hit bowls that where not to small and smaller hits or else I would die. Like cough and shit. And I wasn't suppose to be Doug it so I was probably really paranoid. But my friend had a bong and that's what we used and I literally died of coughing. It's like the heat and all the smoke at once killed me. And that got me super fucked up too.
808metz:
Bong tips for you and your homies
1. Rip softly when lighting the weed. Once burning remove flame and rip.
2. Cold water helps smooth the hit a little. Cooler smoke isn't so harsh so toss a couple ice cubes in there.
3. Use hemp string if you can find any.
I'll bet you clowns were inhaling a shit load of butane. That shit is no bueno.
ndt28570: I'm not friends with those people anymore. Because I stopped but I was the new one of the group. I didn't even smoke for a year. We knew about the ice. I didn't know about the slow hit. So if I ever start again I'll remember.
| 7 | 1.428571 | |
1406015309 | 1406018373 | t3_2bdkdc | t5_2to41 | 27 | bobbysgirlfriend: TIFU by taking a picture of my crush in class
Technically this was 3 months ago but I finally got the courage to share it with others. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Also this is my extra account because I don't want people knowing this embarrassing story :(
So I've had a crush on this girl ever since the beginning of the school year, let's call her "Emma". She sits on the desk that's right in front of me at the very back of the classroom in the back corner. I'm a 17 year old virgin who's never had any girl friends (let alone girlfriends), not the best looking, and on overweight. It doesn't help that I am extremely shy and socially awkward. Everyday in class I have my eyes glued on her, obsessed over her perfectly gorgeous body. God everything about her is perfect. Her face, her body, her hair, her smell. Today we had a supply teacher and because we had just finished writing our unit test, there was no new material to learn. So our supply teacher decided to play us a movie to pass the period. The movie we watched was a disney movie but I don't remember the name of it. Now because I'm a very shy person, I don't talk to anybody in class and nobody really notices me or knows me. Today, the crush of my life just happened to wear this outfit with her entire bra exposed. It was a sexy blue bra and I could see every detail of it; the patterns, the hook, everything. You could imagine someone like me, who's never had a girlfriend, socially awkward, and at their peak of puberty to get crazy horny over her. We were about 20 minutes into the movie and my boner just wouldn't go away. So stupid me, thought it would be a good idea to take a picture of her back. Since we were watching a movie with the classroom lights off and because nobody pays attention to me anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to quickly snap a picture of her to fap to later tonight when I get home. That's when I grab my phone out, trying as hard as I can to make it seem like I'm naturally browsing through my phone, and get ready to take a picture. I make sure my hands weren't shaking to get the best quality picture and hold it in the perfect position. At this point I was extremely nervous of letting my classmates who sat beside me to know that I was doing anything suspicious. Finally I found the best angle and BAM... I forgot to turn off my flash and forgot turn my phone on silent. That's when I know I fucked up. The flash was the brightest flash I have EVER seen in my entire life and the sound of the camera snapping felt like it echoed through the entire school. Everybody, I mean EVERYBODY looked back at me. At this point I was going NUTS. My body was getting hot, my ears were turning red, and my head was starting to feel light. I tried to play it off cool by saying I was watching a "video" but I'm almost certain nobody believed me. In fact, I think it made everything worse. My whole class now thinks I'm some kind crazy fucking pervert. And of course, the crush of my life Emma, was creeped the fucked out as well. At first she didn't really know what happened but her friend told her right after class. I will never forget her facial expression that day after realizing what had just happened... From that day on I've been getting awkward looks by everyone at school. So my life is now over. I lost respect to everybody in my school because I'm sure at this point EVERYBODY IN MY SCHOOL knows what happened (because of stupid social network sites like Facebook and Twitter). What's worse is that my few friends that I have, have now got tainted reputations because of me and I feel terrible for them. I'm thinking of transferring schools next year to avoid seeing my classmates. Just thinking about seeing them again next month makes me sick to my stomach...
TL;DR - Fucked up by taking a picture of my crush when we were watching a movie, forgot to turn off my flash and sound and now everybody in my school knows.
TyronneLannister: I know you keep saying they all think you are creepy, but honestly from the way you talk about this chick and the fact that you tried to snap a picture of the back of her bra makes ME think you are creepy. So in the future don't be creepy and people won't think you are.
6romperstomper9: He is CREEPY! He's even calling the chick his girlfriend on his throwaway account.
IntervisioN: Guess there's still some disclosed hope.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1406013287 | 1406037920 | t3_2bdidp | t5_2to41 | 31 | Aurein: TIFU by being an anime freak.
Throwaway account as my friends know my original Reddit username. This week's winner "TIFU by peeing too hard" reminded me of an incident that happened to me. Before I tell my story I apologize as English is not my native tongue and I've tried my best to my ability to type this out.
Here goes nothing... Anyways so a couple of days ago I was chilling with this girl who really liked me, we'll call her Jenny, at her place. Now Jenny told me I could stay at her place and just chill as she runs some errands. Cool, I'll just watch Netflix or something. Hours later she still hasn't returned from her errands and I really had to pee. I've never been to her house before so I had to look for the bathroom. At this point I really had to go. I finally found the bathroom and stupid me decided that my suffering bladder is much more important than privacy at this point so I opted out in closing the door. I unzipped my pants and...well... okay so I see a fly inside the toilet. When I see a fly and I go to pee I pretend that I'm unleashing a Kamehameha wave to, you know, destroy it. Well you can probably guess what I say next...
KA. ME. HA. ME. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I screamed as loud as I could while killing the fly and relieving myself. However, I didn't realize that Jenny went out to REPLACE TOILET PAPER AND SHE GOT BACK RIGHT WHEN I YELLED IT. Once I was satisfied with myself I looked for toilet paper and realized, there wasn't any. I turned to go look for some and Jenny just stared at me with a WTF face and started laughing so hard, dropping the toilet paper. I picked it up and wiped and began to laugh awkwardly.
She calls me Son Goku now and as much as our friends think it's awesome she laughs like a maniac whenever she calls me it. Sigh.
flimflammerzimzam: This is fucking retarded. You sound like a 11 year old weaboo. Also, what guy even needs toilet paper after they piss?
[deleted]: Are you kidding, this was awesome.
flimflammerzimzam: If I was a highschooler with self diagnosed aspergers then maybe. But as a grown adult, this is really retarded.
[deleted]: OK, well, I'm 27 and I went to a gaming convention with my mates in DBZ costumes a while ago, and it was great. So I'm gonna continue on the assumption that you're jealous of OP for having a sort-of-girlfriend, and for being able to enjoy himself.
tobobo36: I dunno, anime isn't for everyone. Doesn't mean that you need to be a cock about shit because you don't personally enjoy it. Still that being said I definitely understand that anime is an acquired taste.
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1406015599 | 1406028326 | t3_2bdkoh | t5_2to41 | 151 | Iceman5363: TIFU by popping a spot on my ballsack.
Yesterday I noticed I large spot on the left side of my ballsack and it was filled with puss so I thought that I better pop it now so it won't pop in any awkward situations and leave a stain in my trousers. I tried squeezing it but that didn't do the trick so I realised I was going to have to pop it with a pin. I grabbed my trusty pin that I keep above my bed for situations like this and dug it into the spot, although I may have forced it in a bit to hard as I ended penetrating my ballsack along with the spot. Puss blood and some clear liquid came out of the wound so I put a sock over it to stop the bleeding. I slept through the pain and I am now in the hospital getting tested for tetanus in my testis because it turns out the needle may have had some rust in it.
Sorry if the language is bad it is because English is not my first language.
Edit : Don't have tetanus so apart from the pain I would consider it a successful mission.
woodyboogie: Only true men "put a sock over it to stop the bleeding".
Iceman5363: I didn't want to use a plaster because it would get stuck to the hairs
roarbot2: For those who don't know, a plaster is a band aid. Caught me off guard when I read it the first time hehe
Qetuoadgjlxv: As a Brit, I've just learnt what a band aid is.
DakotaThrice: [Band Aid](http://georgesjournal.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/band_aid_1984.jpg)
| 6 | 25.166667 | |
1406016693 | 1406023811 | t3_2bdlp4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | deptford: TIFU by letting my missing my vital medical appointment
So, I have been collapsing, losing my balance and generally being a passenger at work. Got referred to a neurologist. Had an appointment this morning. I missed my first train and even got into an argument with someone trying to shove by me at the turnstiles.
The next train was late and that would meant I could not have got to my appt on time. Walking home, I almost fainted again.
Now I have to wait until October for my next appointment. I hate public transport, but cannot drive or cycle because I could collapse at any time. This why I needed to see the neurology team. There you have it, Today I fucked up by missing my medical appointment.
rhgla: So you have no one to take you? Call a cab.
deptford: The traffic is hideous. Even with a cab I would have still been late. I should have allowed more time to get there. The trains failed me too! I have to wait until I get another appointment.
rhgla: Urgent care
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406018052 | 1406019819 | t3_2bdmvm | t5_2to41 | 46 | lm31397: TIFU by checking my voice mail
I've been at a funeral for my granddad for about a week or so, real depressing shit, haven't had time to talk to the only person I vent to and trust in and I don't think she'll be any help (we've been drifting apart and coming together recently, it's a vicious weird cycle). Decided "Hey, haven't checked my voicemail in a while, let's see if she called to check if I was okay" (I haven't seen her in a while because I screwed up my sleep schedule I.e. sleep all day, up all night). Three voice mails... first one "Hey, I know we've never really talked but I'm proud of you okay? You're really the only one that ever greets me with a smile and willingly comes over anymore" -granddad a month ago. Fuck... get teary eyed. Second one "It's been a while since I've seen you, what have you been up to? How have you been? I'd love to catch up over tea or something" -granddad two weeks ago... Third one "hey, are you okay? I keep trying to call you but your phone's always off in the day time, haven't seen you in a while and you've missed like three of our routine brunches. Hit me up when you see this, we gotta talk" -Cassie 3 days ago. By this point the tears are rolling, it's like I'm regressing, pulling in and cutting off all ties... I'm going to lose everyone I care about, and it's going to be mostly my fault...
TL;DR: Made myself real depressed by checking voicemail
[deleted]: I understand how you feel.
My voice mail box of my current phone is my mom who has passed away almost 8 years from now. I call my own phone number time to time just to listen to her voice and I remember her and my dad (they both passed)
It's hard. Time gets better. Your granddad wouldn't want you to be depressed.
lm31397: I carried his ashes to their final resting place today... I should have visited and talked to him more
[deleted]: Honestly, we all have our regrets..
Recently, I just graduated and they day before my graduation, I visited them both (they're buried together) and it was so hard. It's been almost 8 years without them both and I can't just talk to their head stone without getting mad and sad and wanting to be a better daughter and thinking I could've done something to save them but it's human nature.. It happens..
I've just learned to just be a better person they would like me to be. When I'm in a trouble situation, I know they're there for me and my entire family.
Your granddad is there and I don't think he would want you to dread about his passing, but to move on and live a happy life. It will take time tho.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1406020834 | 1406021463 | t3_2bdpd2 | t5_2to41 | 52 | tifu1234567: TIFU by not having a lock on my ipad
It is currently 5 in the morning, but I'll start the story from earlier tonight. My brother and his gf are home from college and they deciding to have some fun by having some drinks and watching a movie. Since they had been drinking they decided it would be best if his girlfriend just crashed here for the night, rather than driving. Ok. Since I too am off school my sleep schedule is beyond fucked so here I am scrolling through reddit when I feel an urge to fap coming on. No big deal I have mastered the routine of leaving behind no evidence. So, I begin the usual, go to the bathroom close the door, and began, I assumed nobody was awake, but about 5 minutes in I hear someone stirring from my brother's room. I freeze trying to be as quiet as possible. Of course, they knock on the bathroom door. Fuck. As fast as I can I clean up, hide the lube toss the towel back in the cabinet, of course I don't think to close the porn on my Ipad. I just pressed the sleep button and set it on the counter and flush the toilet acting like I was pooping. I walk out of the bathroom, and nobody is around I stumble around in the darkness looking for who was knocking when I hear the bathroom door close. Ok whatever I'll just go to bed. Then I remembered the ipad. Ehh what are the odds they unlock it? Hiding in plain sight? Right? Of course no such luck, I'm in my bed pretending to sleep when my brother or his gf exit the bathroom. I knew that second that I fucked. My brothers gf tosses my ipad onto my bed and let's out a slight laugh. I'm sure she knew I wasn't asleep. I wait a good 10 minutes then unlock my ipad to see the video paused in a different spot than I had left it. Well gg I guess I can never show my face to her again. She'll probably be telling my brother about and I'll never hear the end... my best idea is to just own and come up with a joke when I'm confronted about it along the lines of "hey, it wasn't a bad video though huh?".... yup I'm fucked help me reddit.
I_Will_Try_More: Or she was turned on and went back to bed to fool around with your brother.
tifu1234567: Hopefully he'll be thankful then, and won't give me a hard time... (no pun intended) about it.
I_Will_Try_More: Unintentional wing man.
| 4 | 13 | |
1406022057 | 1406022831 | t3_2bdqfc | t5_2to41 | 25 | anal_enchilada: TIFU by bringing the wrong USB to a friends house
I needed my friend to burn a music CD for me, because my computer is having issues with errors and nonsense. He agreed and I grabbed the usb too quickly and headed to his house.
Later, we sat down by his computer and plugged in the usb and waited for the files to come up.
I cannot describe the look of sheer horror that came upon my face when I realized this was the wrong usb drive.
It was filled with Inuyasha fanfiction I wrote in junior high.
My palms are getting sweaty just typing this.
Purple_Fishington: Mother of god. I would burn that USB... and my house... and probably myself too.
anal_enchilada: leave no witnesses
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1406023120 | 1406024715 | t3_2bdrfe | t5_2to41 | 3 | Sir_Clomp_Dick: TIFU by only doing odd math problems
So I have this thing where when I'm in math class I will sit on my right ball when doing even math problems and my left ball while doing the odds. So a particularly hard MCAS level division problem comes up and I can not figure it out for the life of my testes. I'm sitting there with my left ball aching in a sort of pain that is only comparable to the hole stretching games we played in gym with big Bob. So long story short NY teacher comes over to see what's wrong right as my testicle pops on gets all over her high heels. Worse part was I knew the answer the whole time but I was doing an odd problem while sitting on my right ball creating an autism loop paralyzing me to this outcome. TIFU
Xiledd: What the fuck mate?
Sir_Clomp_Dick: This never happened to anyone else?
| 3 | 1 | |
1406009543 | 1406109400 | t3_2bdec1 | t5_2to41 | 15 | TheKnightOfQuantum: TIFU by not recognizing a prank.
This happened in seventh grade, but it belongs here.
I was in a middle school band class in the Clarinet section, and I was really quite bored. The teacher (who was fucking awesome, enough said) often liked to single out groups of people by instruments and go over specific sections of a piece. He was talking to the trumpets (in the back row), so I decided to take a moment and rest my eyes, all the while waiting for him to call upon us to play again. When he did stop talking to the trumpets, though, something different happened.
He started to make shushing noises and cover his lips with his finger, and pointed toward the door. He slowly made his way over there and turned off the lights. At this point, I'm thinking "What the fuck? Why is he turning off the lights? There's like thirty minutes left in the class!" But, I am clearly in some sort of minority in thinking this, as everyone around me gets up and starts to walk to the door. I stand and follow, and turn around to see that everyone is doing this. I also see that a girl, who I will call Elizabeth, has her eyes closed.
Now, I want to clarify that I was not a very social person back then. I was bullied on some minor occasions and never really took it well. I lost a lot of trust in people for no reason other than my lack of maturity before the day of my fuck-up. Subsequently, I had never really been involved in a "prank" of any sort. I never got any jokes that were told at the lunch tables that I sat at and I wasn't even allowed to play video games that everyone else was. So, naturally, I didn't understand that the entire class was pranking this girl, who was apparently asleep, and pretending to leave the class to make her freak out and think that she was late to the next period. Now that I think about it, it would have been funny, but it would never be so funny for my friends if the following didn't happen.
My dumb ass leans over the chair and taps her on the fucking shoulder. I also say some stupid fucking sentence like "Hey, Elizabeth, I think everyone's leaving now for some reason..." Words cannot describe the tension of what happened next. Everyone fucking stops and looks at me dead in the eyes wondering how someone could be this much of a jackass. Just as I realize what I have done, Elizabeth wakes up fully and asks what is going on. Everyone starts to yell at me and call me a dumbass and the like, except the teacher, who just gave me the saddest facepalm I have ever fucking seen.
TL;DR I fucked up by waking up a sleeping girl who everyone was pulling a prank on at the time.
beep_boop_sleep: Lol clarinets
TheKnightOfQuantum: What have you got against clarinets?
beep_boop_sleep: Nothing nothing. My mother and sister happened to play clarinet. I, on the other hand, play horn.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1406028392 | 1406053576 | t3_2bdw6m | t5_2to41 | 106 | Shenko-wolf: TIFU with a Holocaust survivor
Not today, but probably the highlight fuck-up of my entire nursing career from a few years ago.
So, one night I watched *A fish called Wanda* in the nursing quarters, a really funny movie. For some reason, the scene where Kevin Kline blasts the superior English for their attitude really stuck in my mind that night. For anyone who doesn't remember:
"Otto: Don't call me stupid.
Wendy: Why on earth not?
Otto: Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.
Wendy: Well, *thank* you for popping in and protecting us.
Otto: If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking *German!* Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..."
Uber. Motherfucking. Alles.
So I spent the next week or so with Uber Alles earworming around my little brain, you know, as you do. Which was initially fine. Until I subconsciously began whistling it to myself. Which was initially fine. I was at the time working in a small rural hospital which was pretty quiet, so I wasn't really around anyone while I was doing it long enough for anyone to comment... until...
...taking blood pressure observations on a usually friendly older lady, whistling as I work, when I notice she seems to be spiking a very high blood pressure, I look up to see her face bright red and in barely controlled, choked back tones she spluttered, "get out, *GET OUT*". Older, like, born early 20th Century older, Eastern European accent, number tattooed on her forearm...
BlueFalconPunch: i can understand the misunderstanding as long as you wernt singing the words. there are at least 2 hymns that use the same music, i remember singing it as a child when i went, ironic part is our pastor was dutch and lived thru the occupation.
http://www.kirkdale113.freeserve.co.uk/glorious.htm
Shenko-wolf: I do appreciate that the music has been used in different contexts. However, only one of them seemed to occur to the patient at the time, and her reaction was quite visceral.
BlueFalconPunch: oh trust me i feel for ya, theres no way to fix something like that. You were innocently humming/whistling a tune and you struck a cord....it wasnt like you jackbooted in and started belting it out; however you brought up some bad memories/emotions in this woman.
dude/dudette ya done fucked up, at least it didnt cost you more than shame.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1406029742 | 1406035308 | t3_2bdxjl | t5_2to41 | 16 | Pebbles21: TIFU by breaking an electron microscope at MIT
Many, many years ago when I was in high school, I interned at MIT as a researcher at the time because I thought it would be a great experience. So of course, its MIT, the nerd capital of the world, and I was some young high school intern trying to just grasp what is going on.
So I would perform tests daily with stuff that is impossible to break, when all of a sudden, my professor and mentor had the idea to show me the electron microscope. They took me to an introductory procedure walk through with a step by step paper sheet explicitly telling me everything I need to do, and walked me through the process.
Two days later, they asked me to take a sample to the electron microscope. So of course, at the time I thought I was on top of the world, taking a sample to an electron microscope at MIT so of course I agreed. I proceeded to walk to the building and start using it, without looking at the instruction papers again. Well, I fucked up. The microscope essentially broke because I did everything wrong, I got yelled by literally everyone working there, and left work for the day. My mentor was like its..okay...it'll cost in the six figures to fix. But your insurance covers it so the university will pay for it! I felt like total shit.
Now I pretty much always read instructions, and completely changed my career path and what I do today, where it is very hard to break anything.
**TL;DR** In high school I interned as a researcher at MIT and didn't read instructions so I broke an electron microscope pissing a lot of people off and costing MIT dollas.
Histo_Man: Scanning or transmission? If TEM then did you turn on the filament too quickly? LaB6 filaments take forever to warm up and are expensive to replace. Technician + replacement filament = ouch!
Pebbles21: exactly what happened, not my proudest moment...
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1406029934 | 1406093660 | t3_2bdxpv | t5_2to41 | 1,845 | banjohaze1: TIFU by flirting.
I live in a hotel on a mountain in Va. I've been single for 3 months now and was outside yesterday morning having a cigarette around 5:30 am. This hotel is mostly condemned/haunted, so the man that owns it lets squatters and others stay free/cheap. As I smoke, around the corner appears a young woman. She approached me and asked for a cig. I oblige and we smoked and exchanged pleasantries. She asked if she gave me gas money would I take her into the closest town to look for a used microwave.
Now this girl is a solid trailer park 8 and I've been sitting out here alone for a month now and immediately I say "sure", worse comes to worse at least I'll make a friend. We make arrangements to meet later when the thrift stores open and I drive us into town. Every thing is going fine. I ask about her past and she says she used to have a crack problem and was getting her life together.
We hit two Goodwills and a Roses and were heading back when she asked me to go to one last junk shop. At this point I'm tired so I wait in the car and she goes in. She comes back out and asks to borrow 20 bucks. Tell her I don't have it and she says she's going to go try to haggle the guy down. 15 min later she hops in the car and the mood all changed.
Her: "I need you to go now! I just saw someone I can't see!"
I put the car in reverse and see this dude running up to my car. I slammed on the brakes and go to hop out, she grabs my arm and starts bawling and screaming "just go! Just go pleeeease go!" The guy is screaming in Spanish and looks pissed. Then all of a sudden he yells "give me back that tablet you stealing bitch!" My blood ran cold.
She jumps out of my car with her purse and hauls ass like she's getting paid for it. I sit there for a second and take a breath. I now have 3 very pissed off Mexican gentlemen surrounding my car. They were yelling which each other and at me. About this time the law arrives. This is a small town and you would think we murdered someone. 3 cars 6 officers. I calmly give them my side of the story. They cuff me and put me in the car while they "get to da bottom of dis here". An hour later I'm in a holding cell charged with larceny.
Got in touch with my lawyer and made bail late/early this morning. Apparently the caught her about an hour ago and she actually told the truth. The cops told my lawyer to tell me not to leave the area for a few days, but "it looks like he's telling some version of the truth". I'm still so mad but at least I'm mad in my room and not jail.
Tl;dr drove miss daisy around stealing unbeknownst to me and almost wound up in jail.
gizzardgullet: You're still planning on having sex with her, right?
banjohaze1: Absolutely.
Kulongers: No Op, do not stick your dick into crazy!
wendyOwilliams: He lives in an abandoned hotel. The lady pool is probably VERY shallow.
Kulongers: Not even then! Never, EVER stick your dick into crazy!
tweakingforjesus: It can be awesome if done right. He sounds like a bit of a drifter without a job or any real assets so I say go for it.
PM_me_fullbody_nudes: Worst that can happen is that he can have some illegitimate kids that he doesnt know about being taken care of by a crackwhore
EntityDamage: The American Dream, baby.
808metz: Thank you so much for that. Made my day.
| 10 | 184.5 | |
1406032537 | 1406061147 | t3_2be0uw | t5_2to41 | 5 | EatDaBobo: TIFU by thinking I could hold my fart.
So this happened back on the first day of my second year at middle school, its the most embarrassing thing that happened to me in my whole life so I thought It's worth sharing. Sorry for the bad English, it's not my first language.
Some background: was the kind kid who always needed to go to the bathroom release a ton of shit everything single chance that I get. Also I was the kid who always got bullied and stood for myself even if I had to fight 10 kids.
So this this is what happened: it was a math class, so me being a good kid sat in my chair directing my full focus to the teacher and taking notes. One moment later, one of these kids setting behind me threw a pice of paper on my head. I look at him, and told him " what do you want?" So he glanced at his friends and looked back at me as If he is saying " we are goonna kick the shit outta of you". My first thought was " I don't wanna fight on my first day of school because I don't want my teachers and the principal have a bad idea about me" so I ignored him. One moment later he threw a small sharper made out of steel on my my head and it really hurt. So I said FUCK IT, I'm going to fight this kid and his friends. All of the sudden I feel my stomach start to making noises. The look on my face was full of fear not because of these kids but because I knew something fucked up is going to happen. I thought of asking the teacher to excuse me to go to bathroom but I didn't because I didn't want these kids think that I going to run away. So I decided to hold it. 20 mins later, the class ends, and the teacher leaves. Before I stand up, I find these 3 kids surrounding me. At this point, I really wanted to go to the bathroom. All of the sudden, I find myself opening my mouth and gathering air. " Oh shit, am I going to sneeze?" One moment later I sneeze as hard as I could and I fart as hard as I could. What made even worse is the the chair that I was sitting on did not have any holes in it. So my fart sounded like an explosion. I was so embarrassed, and the whole class laughed so hard at me to the point that these three kids felt kinda bad for me. Days later, they became good friends with me. I still have no idea to this day why they became friends with me. Sooo thinks to my fart (I guess)
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: I was really expecting you to shit your pants, get beat up and these kids tease you for the rest of your time in school.
I'm glad to say I was wrong. Good for you OP.
MostEpicRedditor: It's really been the longest time since someone has shit themselves here.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Don't reset the counter now.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406033062 | 1406060499 | t3_2be1hu | t5_2to41 | 270 | TinderFailure: TIFU by getting down and dirty with a tinder match. :(
My life has been fairly boring lately and I've been trying to spice things up a little. So I get tinder and swipe some pretty ladies to the right. Yay I've matched with some girls and I tried some pick up line. Then I match with a beauty named Anna. After we've been talking for a while she asks me to strip for her but I was at the gym so I just sent a selfie. I get home and I'm still fairly bored with myself, when she decides to message me again (or he). She then proceeds to ask me to strip for her. Sure enough, I'm keen for some fun. I strip for her and I'm having some fun etc. I decide to ask her for some photos of herself (she has only send me one of a naked girl's body, or he). Then she says I'm being naughty and that if I continue to annoy her that she will punish me. Ooh finally some fun. I bug her a bit more, asking if she's fake and whether or not she will prove to me that she's real. I THEN GET THE BLOW. He/she threatens to send my sexy strip to everyone I know on FACEBOOK!! He/she starts naming all my friends and family including my sisters/parents/grandparents and my cat whom I've made a facebook account for. I have now deactivated my account and offered to pay this person $500. I don't even have $20. I have the whole skype chat for evidence.
TL;DR: don't skype Anna from Tinder, even if she's a babe.
Edit: Words....
Update: Being new to reddit I really appreciate and like the things you guys have said. I prepared myself for a lot of harassment, but what I got was way better than that! Cheers guys, I've managed to just shrug it off.
Edit: I found out who HE is.
KellyeTheGreat: I've been reading way too much about this shit lately. This is fucked.
How are us normal girls supposed to get dick pics when these blackmailing hussies are ruining it for the rest of us?
blablablackdic: you...i like you.
KellyeTheGreat: I like you too.
blablablackdic: .....can i interest you in a dic pic?
KellyeTheGreat: Pm me ur dick pic pls
joneska88: RIP your inbox
KellyeTheGreat: I've had way more people say
>RIP your inbox
than the amount of creepy PMS I've gotten.
E-o_o-3: ...read that as "pre menstrual syndrome", got confused for a moment.
| 9 | 30 | |
1406060083 | 1406220856 | t3_2be3ei | t5_2to41 | 3 | fuost: LOL, no your stereotypical generalization is incorrect
[deleted]: I just simply ask a question and you go off on me about it being "stereotypical". How sad.
fuost: "May I ask if your mother is black, you know, because black mothers usually have short tempers". that's the best example of stereotypical generalization i've ever heard. If there was nothing wrong with your comment, why'd you delete it?
[deleted]: If there's something wrong with your attitude towards your mother (which is an example of a major fuck-up), why'd you post it?
fuost: wow... you have just reached a whole new level of not making sense! I'm so proud I was able to witness this moment
[deleted]: It makes total sense. You just can't handle the truth that you disrespected your own mother.
| 6 | 0.5 | |
1406033793 | 1406124166 | t3_2be2ej | t5_2to41 | 330 | Downvoteslele: TIFU by being a Redditor
I was at Fridays last night with a few friends(2 guys 2 girls) and we grabbed a booth for some appetizers and drinks. Next to us were 2 tables pushed together with about 8 people sitting at it(all men). Now, I'm not one to judge but these particular men would be what is defined as the "stereotypical geeks". 3/4ths of them were overweight / poorly groomed and all of them had some sort of T-shirt on with an obscure reference to either a video game or a movie.(from what I could tell)
As I was seated on the outside of the booth I was casually hearing this and that of the other tables conversation. They were yelling about video games for a bit and then shifted into cosplaying and finally Reddit. As a closet redditor this kind of perked my interest as despite this site having millions of users I've ever actually encountered anyone who admits To visiting this site or talk about it in every day life.
I was ease dropping at this point and ignoring my table when one of the "redditors" started talking about the subreddit gonewild. Apparently this redditor was a gonewild expert as he casually name dropped several users(frequent posters I imagine....) as if he was an expert on their bodies and which one "was the best". At this point a mental image flashed into my head of this guy sitting in front of a bunch of naked girls in his Han Solo t-shirt rating and judging them based on their boobs, which caused me to laugh.. A lot..
At this point I received a sharp kick in my shin from the girl seated across from me as apparently as I was ignoring their conversation one of my friends had just mentioned her father was very ill and was talking about all the extra care she needs to give him. I apologized profusely and tried to explain... Which did not go well.. As girls don't seem to understand "gonewild" and now I look like a pervert.
Tl;dr saw reddit meeting in RL. Laughed at "redditors" gonewild view at the table next to us as my friend thought I was laughing at her ill father. Tried to save face by explaining gonewild to 2 girls... Did not work out well.
Oderus_Scumdog: > I'm not one to judge but...
...they were all neck bearded fatties who lived with thier moms.
th353ndman: Plot twist: it was you
Oderus_Scumdog: He didn't have to be so fucking mean though, did he? It took me years to perfect this air of desperate loneliness!!!!!
th353ndman: I guess not, but youre the one who labelled himself without saying "im not one to judge"
Oderus_Scumdog: Alright...erm, wut?
| 6 | 55 | |
1406033728 | 1406057818 | t3_2be2bl | t5_2to41 | 263 | nononails: TIFU by doing my nails then going down on my SO. NSFW
So, I decided I wanted to paint my nails last night. I took off the old polish with nail polish remover and painted a base coat and top coat and they were looking really great. So great that I didn't even have to do any touch ups. Maybe 30-45 minutes later I go to bed with my fiancee and we start fooling around. We're making out and I start touching him and giving him a handjob. Everything was going great and he was really into it so I went down and starting giving him a blowjob. It tasted BAD. Like chemical bad. I quickly realized that even though there was no nail polish on my hands, there was in fact nail polish remover which in fact got all over his dick therefore my mouth. He didn't seem to notice, but I couldn't feel my tongue the rest of the night.
Nandabun: Does he know?
nononails: Yeah he just laughed.
trickshot60: so...did you finish or stop?
monser1013: Asking the important questions
trickshot60: a story needs a happy ending!
| 6 | 43.833333 | |
1406036627 | 1406054586 | t3_2be6dz | t5_2to41 | 176 | [deleted]: TIFU by rejecting sex from my girlfriend
We've been dating for a while and usually I initiate any sex that we have because she's insecure about her body and isn't that experienced in the bedroom. Last night as we were watching a movie, she was trying to initiate it by attempting to kiss my neck. Being stupid, I thought she was just trying to play around by licking me (she does that to gross me out when I make her mad), so I kept backing away from her. She tried about 3 times before stopping. I found out a little bit later that she was trying to kiss me. She's now afraid to try again because she doesn't want me to reject her...
So basically, I lost my one chance at being dominated by the girlfriend. Hopefully she gets her courage back soon and I won't be such an idiot about it
thorbo: Are you guys 15? Talk to each other.
Edit:
Thinking about this I think I came off a bit harsh. What I'm trying to say is that while support is great, it's not a replacement for talking to your partner. Communication is absolutely critical for a healthy relationship. I cannot stress that enough.
herpderp1132: its like that one post about the guy walking into his girlfriend's roommates room on accident and getting mad bc theres another guy in the bed lol and he thinks his world is all over xD
Fewbugie: I remember that one. It sounded like a bad sitcom situation.
I do hope in the end that OP and his gf can talk things out, it really seems like a simple misunderstanding. Although on the other hand I can see how a lot of rejections in the past can make someone extremely gunshy.
| 4 | 44 | |
1406036269 | 1406098069 | t3_2be5ub | t5_2to41 | 30 | fuckyofaceee: TIFU when I was asked to cat-sit for a friend and I accidentally fed their cat kitty litter instead of food.
I will take responsibility for being a dumbass and not reading the bag. In my defense though I thought kitty litter looked like sand and this shit looked like bunny food with dehydrated carrots in it. Cat owners of reddit, please feel free to ridicule. The best part is that before I found out that I did that I told my SO, "their cat must be pissed, he pooped in his food!"
dog_mask: You know that cat facepawed you behind your back.
fuckyofaceee: I'm sure of it. Although I'm not sure that the cat didn't put a hit out on me because my dog and I got attacked by two cats this afternoon.
dog_mask: Oh no, he's in a gang. Intervention time!
Seriously, though, I hope you and your dog are okay. Cats can be scary.
fuckyofaceee: I'm totally scared of cats now!
| 5 | 6 | |
1406038835 | 1406041719 | t3_2be9wf | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU got my girlfriend pregnant
^^Throwaway ^^for ^^reasons.
So we've been dating for 4 or so months and everything's been all fine and dandy... until today. I went to pick up her from the doctors so we could go and eat something. I asked her why she went there in the first place and she said that she needed to get more pills (you know, the no babies for you kind of pills). That all seemed pretty normal to me, so we went to the restaurant and started eating. After a while she told me that one time when we had sex she'd ran out of pills but forgot about it aaand that's the one time when my condom broke. I got in a bit of a shock and so on. I don't know what I should do, so I decided to tell you this.
TL;DR Girlfriend ran out of pills and my condom broke. Now she's pregnant.
[deleted]: There's also the "fuck, my condom broke on that one time she forgot the pill" kind of pill, you know?
SmashPass: That pill only works in the first 48 hours I think. After that its the "fuck my condom broke and she's out of pills" procedure.
That said, OP do you have confirmation she's preggo or are you speculating here? Because they wouldn't renew her script if she is.
[deleted]: My bad. Assumed everything had happened in the last 24 hours..
-throwawayJudas-: Nope, that happened about 2-3 weeks ago and she went to the doctors today
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1406039982 | 1406128623 | t3_2bebv9 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally cutting my bf's dick with my hangnail
We were in the bedroom things were heating up so I started to go down on him, using my mouth and hands and what not. Me not knowing my finger had a loose nail was using my hands and I accidentally moved my finger against his head and I hear him yelp and I immediately stop. I don't even have nails I bite them off most of the time and this time I had a miniature dagger sticking out my finger that hurt his poor weenie. We stopped at that point because he was stinging really bad in that area. Never had the chance to make it up to him because we were both too exhausted that night to try again. Will be trying it again the next day, but I felt so embarrassed to be ruining our moment with my stupid nail.
YUHDEW: Meh, don't feel bad. I knew a guy who's girlfriend basically peeled him like a banana and he had to get like 15 stitches.
Jenneva86: Care to elaborate?
YUHDEW: Long story short, apparently she was jerking him off, had long nails and sliced him down his shaft.
| 4 | 4 | |
1406041899 | 1406141050 | t3_2befcw | t5_2to41 | 10 | jkindon: TIFU By leaving my ipod on a table by my bed
OK so this happened a few months ago. I have an ipod touch 4G that I got a long time ago. About a year ago, I got an iphone to replace it. I now only really use my ipod to browse reddit and watch netflix late before i go to bed so my iphone can charge. I do go to school, and i have a roommate. This roommate, one night, decided to get drunk. REALLY DRUNK. He decided that it would be a great idea to fuck with me until he passed out. So without warning He gets up, grabs my Ipod and sprints into the suite bathroom, locking the door behind him. I was horrified at what he would do (with good reason). The next sound I heard was not a sound that one would want to hear at this point. I heard the camera shutter noise go off about 75-100 times rapid fire. You people out there who have used iOS 6 before know that it doesn't matter how good of a pass code you have, you can always get to the camera app. I remember thinking to myself FUCK NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. My photo library which was previously empty now has a shit-ton of dick/ball shots. When its finally over I try to get myself together so i can erase all these photos. I was (slightly) relieved to find that some of them were shots of the floor, or just random objects in our bathroom. Probably because he was too gone at this point to have any sort of coordination whatsoever.
THATS NOT EVEN THE BEST PART OHHH NOO!
before i could delete even one, fucking icloud goes "Oh hey look new photos I better upload these to every device you own" (Because I'm an Technology addicted IT major, I have ALOT of devices) Spent the next two or so days deleting all the pictures. I may be scarred for life.
Ineedamilkshake: You can disable the camera application being useable without a password.
jkindon: I did do this afterwards lol. I even went as far as jailbreaking it so i could essentially "roommate proof" my ipod.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1406044837 | 1406088355 | t3_2beksa | t5_2to41 | 5,173 | DresserDrawers4Life: TIFU by going on an OKCupid date. Ended up in Jail.
EDIT: ... and Scene. SHE FOUND IT. 5:15pm EST. 5 hours. Good work guys!
I have been "dating" again, and like many 20-somethings in Brooklyn, I have been doing with the aid of the internet. After browsing the dating pool on the popular dating site "OKCupid" I found myself texting this girl a couple times. I suggest we meet in prospect park and walk around.
For those of you who have never been, Prospect Park is a bit bigger than your standard "park." Designed Fredrick Law Olmstead in 1850something, this thing is almost 600 acres with tons of small paths and arches and small corners. When she suggested we bring a couple canned beers along for the walk, I was into it. I figure, keep them in bags, spend some time on the lass traveled bits and have a nice date walking and talking and sipping.
Around 2 hours into our date, we find a nice little bench by the water to hang out. After about 20 minutes of chilling a GIANT police cruiser pulls up. Anyone who is relatively irresponsible in New York knows what happens next: they take your ID, run it to look for warrants, and after they determine you are not wanted for anything more serious, they write you a $25 ticket and leave you alone.
We sit on the bench for what seems like a while, patiently waiting for them to do their thing, making short jokes about our records and how this is going to make a great story. I noticed there was an issue when I saw the first office get out of the car with only one license/ticket. The other guy got out and started unloading the stuff from his back seat to the trunk.
I vividly remember getting an open container offense a couple years ago (different park), but I only vaguely remember paying my $25. Turns out I didnt. 2 hours into a first date, I am in handcuffs, asking her to look after the other 2 beers I brought. There is a small crowd, and right before they cart me off I blurt our "soo,, I guess I will call you?" WINK.
EDIT: My roommate (sitting across from me) just told me that her friend sent her this link not knowing it was me. I feel like its going to get back to the OKC date. Reddit always finds a way ...
PhiladelphiaCollins8: Just curious, what do you get a 25$ ticket for? Being in a park?
DresserDrawers4Life: Oh sorry, maybe I was vague. we were walking around drinking beers out of bags. Open container is a $25 fine. I got brought in because I had one I never paid, which I guess means I had a warrant out for my arrest.
PhiladelphiaCollins8: Ohh okay. Thanks. I see it now, should have had my coffee this morning. 25$ is pretty awesome. I live in Texas and its around $250.
DresserDrawers4Life: oh eff that. the crazy thing is, after 15 hours of waiting around, when I finally saw the judge he just through them out. No court fees, nothing owed, and they will be expunged from my record in 6 months.
Granted, I would have rather paid the $50 and not gone to jail, but I feel like it doesnt add up.
ShynessEst: Getting it expunged from your record would be worth a 15 hr wait in my opinion. Negative police records can affect hiring/rent/stuff like that.
But then I dunno how serious this sort of minor thing would affect you...
DresserDrawers4Life: I dont quite understand the differences between a summons with a fine and a misdemeanor, but I think not showing up for my summons or paying the fine upgraded the initial offense. Glad it will be gone soon!
TaiBoBetsy: Not showing up to your summons is a technical crime, which automatically creates a bench warrant for your arrest.
I know this the hard way myself.
DresserDrawers4Life: yeah-yeah, so not showing up makes the summons a misdemeanor?
TaiBoBetsy: a summons isn't a crime - it's a mandate that you show up in court (to which you TECHNICALLY agreed to by accepting a document (ticket) that said you understand, whether you understood or not). Not showing up is a misdemeanor, and it will also generate an automatic bench warrant (allows the cops to arrest you). If you are in a civil case with someone - they usually automatically rule against you.
So, you get idiots like me who HATE paying vehicle registration (It's a random fee for absolutely no reason or service whatsoever) and fail to pay, get stopped and fail to realize the ticket had a court appearance - 2 years later a cop randomly pulls you off the road and hauls you to the city jail in a blizzard.
This is not good, and I literally spent 3 days in jail (weekend) over a 75 dollar registration fee that I paid (albeit late) years ago. (really liking these parenthesis(a lot))
sgtspike: > So, you get idiots like me who HATE paying vehicle registration (It's a random fee for absolutely no reason or service whatsoever)
You think maintaining a database of all the active cars on the road and who they are registered to is free?
tired_and_fed_up: No, the question is WHY? Why does it matter what car I drive?
jralha: Because cars are pretty dangerous, try running someone over while riding a skateboard and you'll see why you need to register a car but not a skateboard.
TaiBoBetsy: You're talking about a license.
jralha: Not much use in a license if the cars are not registered. A hit and run is a good example of that.
TaiBoBetsy: SURE. I can agree to this - now let me ask you something.
Why the hell is the process split in two? Why do I not get plates when I get my license?
The answer is clearest on the wikipedia article:
"Vehicle registration is the (usually) compulsory registration of a vehicle with a government authority. Vehicle registration's purpose is to establish clear ownership **and to tax motorists or vehicle owners.**"
You can establish ownership through the licensing process. You can't TAX multiple cars that way, though.
Entegy: I've had a driver's licence for two years, but don't own a car. A licence is not a car. I don't plan to own a car for at least another five years. Why would I get plates? And if you're thinking "why does this idiot have a licence?" I drive other people's cars when needed.
The fee goes towards projects, or keeping the roads drivable. A tax is not automatically a bad thing.
TaiBoBetsy: Haha, you're not getting it man ;p When you register for a license, you SHOULD get your plates at that time. If you dont want plates - then you get a license without plates. They mad the process seperate to levy an ADDITIONAL tax.
Entegy: Not at all. In a similar vein, why would I pay more for plates I'm not gonna use? I'd rather pay for my licence and then pay for the plates when I actually get a car.
TaiBoBetsy: Yeah there'd certainly be no way to get plates if you already have a license in my case. I mean, that would just make WAY too much sense.
Entegy: Yeah, I would need to store useless plates and spend more at licence grant time? Do you hear yourself?
I never said it would be impossible to get plates later, I said I DON'T WANT PLATES BECAUSE I DON'T OWN A CAR. I don't want to be forced to pay for something I won't use.
TaiBoBetsy: What the what?
No one ever suggested you should pay a fee for plates when all you got was a license.
Entegy: You were saying that, unless you somehow thought that the plates would be free with a licence simply because you got them at the same time.
| 23 | 224.913043 | |
1406044193 | 1406055319 | t3_2bejjr | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering drugs
I'm 17 years old and still live with my parents. A while ago I ordered a gram of amphetamine through a darknetmarket. This was a huge risk and I had to get up early every day to intercept the mail. This was supposed to be a one time thing, however, I got cocky and placed a second order (10 2C-B pills). That was last week, I was expecting the package today and got up early again to wait for the mail. A few letters came but not the package I was expecting. I had heard that mail is sometimes in delivered in two runs but I thought: 'Fuck that, the weather is nice, let's go to the beach.'. Well, I just came home and my parents found the letter and could feel the pills inside. Worst thing is, both packages weren't even for myself. I ordered it for a friend who was interested in it, and for me it meant I could exchange my Bitcoins back to Euros and even get a higher price for it since these pills are a lot cheaper on the black markets.
Ineedamilkshake: Don't do drugs and stay in school.
KiloOne: Stay in school and lots of drugs
| 3 | 2 | |
1406043810 | 1406052258 | t3_2beivg | t5_2to41 | 11 | Punkergirl14: TIFU by letting my son's pet mice free.
So, a little back story first. My son is 4. My OH bought him 4 pet mice on a whim after he held one at a petting zoo and loved it. Of course it was left to me to clean them out, feed them, etc. They were all boys are they were so stinky. The kids loved watching them, but couldn't hold and handle them without dropping them or letting them escape. The mice at the petting zoo were obviously much more used to being handled by kids.
Anyway, we have had them quite a while and my son hardly ever showed any interest in them anymore, plus mice don't live very long anyway, so my OH and I decided to set them free into the garden. We're having a very warm, sunny spell, so thought they stood a fair chance of having a few days of fun before being caught by a cat or something. We set them free on Sunday night and they all ran off into the bushes never to be seen again.
Until I just saw the coolest mouse, a black and white one (he liked just hanging out and could climb much better than the others), run across the living room and hide in the fireplace! He keeps peeping his head out, but when I go to grab him he just fucks back off under the grate. My son is spazzing about the house as usual and hasn't noticed yet, but the baby has seen it and is sitting in front of of the fireguard squeaking.
I never thought any of them would survive that long, there are so many cats on our street! I trusted them to go and have an adventure, not just run back to the house like a pussy. Sneaky little fucker, how did he get in?! Do I have to get a mouse trap, or can we just have a free range pet mouse?
Edit: I think it is inside the bass speaker for our TV sound system. I can't see how it got in though, there aren't any holes!
sveltebrigand: Free range mouse. I couldn't bring myself to kill it. Even you admitted it was cool. Maybe a little food would coax it back into a cage?
Punkergirl14: Yeah, if it was a wild one I probably would get a trap but he was our pet. I haven't seen him for a bit so hopefully he finds his way back outside. He's not stupid though, he knows the food is where the kids are. Biscuit crumbs all over the place!
emikokitsune: They sell humane traps you can buy. Maybe try one of those and drive it a couple miles away before releasing it again. Maybe a forest preserve or wooded area nearby?
Punkergirl14: I like this plan. I haven't seen it for a few hours, so let's see if he turns up again...
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1406046273 | 1406075359 | t3_2benfz | t5_2to41 | 9 | Throwawayyyyeee: TIFU by being too protective of my girlfriend.
This was a while ago. Me and some friends were going out and naturally, we started talking to this one group of people. They seemed friendly but I notice this one guy was giving my girlfriend more attention than normal. Usually I would have let it slide but something about him just made me feel insecure, threatened and aggressive. So I decided to call him out on hitting on my girlfriend and I think I said something like "hi nice to meet you I'm xxxxx's boyfriend". I was hoping this passive aggressive move would keep him off but he responded by showing us his boyfriend and I had no idea he was gay. He pulls out his phone and shows us their relationship status on Facebook and their pictures as well. From there on him and my girlfriend just had a conversation about how cute his boyfriend was and general talking about guys. We were at a gay bar so I guessed I completely dropped the ball. After that him and my girlfriend got along even better and I was just sitting there feeling like a jackass. Thankfully he took my obvious move of aggressive well though.
[deleted]: He sounds like a very nice person! I hope that you two have a better meeting next time :_
Throwawayyyyeee: Yeah, he was really friendly. Decent looking which was probably why I didn't like the fact he was talking with my girlfriend. I tried to be polite towards him afterwards and he was warm about it despite me being a complete dick to him.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406044786 | 1406142030 | t3_2bekoi | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU because I didn't dare talking to her.
Hi reddit. It's my first time posting here, so don't be mean if I did something wrong, please.
Some backstory: I had one wonderful girlfriend, we broke up a couple weeks ago, but that's another story. Well the point is, that when we got to know each other, she was the one who took the initiative. So I never "learned" how to talk to a girl or tell one that I liked her. I haven't really asked a girl out before, nor ask for a cell nr. This is basically where it starts.
I've met some girls I liked but I just was not able to talk to them. It didn't bother me much but today when I took the public bus I saw someone and i had an instant crush on her. Those eyes, legs, the way she smiled, talked to her friend etc. I took a sneaky picture (which is actually way below my standarts, I still can't believe I did that) I said to myself "man, just talk to her, it can't be that hard" but I didn't dare. I tried a second time when her friend left the bus but she instantly put earbuds with music on. fml.
She got off the bus 2 stops later and left me there, and even though there were still a couple people on the bus, I felt sad and alone. Now I'm sitting at home, listening to some records and I actually cried, because I feel so stupid and dumb, not being able to talk to a girl. for fucking fucks sake.
tl;dr I saw a girl on the bus, but didn't dare to talk to her, now I'm sitting at home, feeling sad and lonely, listening to my Hunderdwaters record.
A little sidenote: I don't lack of social skills in general, whenever i go to a place I haven't been before it takes only minutes and I made friends. But I just can't flirt with strangers.
edit: added a word
telepepper: Post the pic. Maybe she's a redditor and comments. Pissed or not, it could make a great story to recall on your anniversaries ;)
ARSeM: Aiight, if you insist! ;)
[Here's the picture I took](http://ichangedmymindmaybeitsnotaggoideaafterallimsorry)
HoneyBadger115: OP you have to take the same bus over and over again to find her!
ARSeM: I take this bus frequently anyway, so chances are not that bad. Haven't seen her before tho, but let's just wait and see!
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1406051009 | 1406346623 | t3_2bewez | t5_2to41 | 5 | cbgoodrich: TIFU by telling my dad I don't masturbate
Earlier today, I told my dad that I don't masturbate. he made a big deal about asking me later today when I was doing my business, he comes into my room and he saw me jerking off. he got pissed and I'm now grounded.
resetnos: Lol strange is your father religious? why is he pissed? EDIT typo
cbgoodrich: yeah. he's Christian
resetnos: This is why...
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110317182235AAdKEUY
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1405982973 | 1406073124 | t3_2bc9nw | t5_2to41 | 6 | joemas97: TIFU by wearing flip flops while moving a heavy object
Well, today I was moving a pickup truck topper and I decided I could do it alone. Big mistake guys and gals. But the even bigger mistake I made was wearing flip flops. I ended up stubbing my toe and the toe went underneath the topper and on top of the dolly. The toe nail ripped up and then shoved back into my toe. I went to the doctor and the numbed it all up and ripped it off.
TL; DR wore flip flops moving a heavy object by myself amd toe nail ripped off and had to see the doc.
funkyChicken82: Just pushed a car into my garage in flip flops. Not nearly as bad as your experience but I am pretty sure I broke my big toe and can't/don't want to say anything to SO because he will be all "I told you to put sneakers on". So basically I am now walking in severe pain with every step. Oh sneakers, where art thou?
joemas97: You should definitely get to a doctor!!
| 3 | 2 | |
1406053568 | 1406083792 | t3_2bf1b2 | t5_2to41 | 265 | wellbangokk: TIFU by masturbating on a plane. NSFW
So this happened about a month ago.
Almost every summer my family and I visit my grandparents in Europe.
Because I live in America, we have to take a plane (obviously).
So we go to the Airport and we get on the plane.
My parents bought the tickets last minute so I had to sit all the way in the back while they were in the front.
I go to my seat and because it was in the middle row and the middle seat, there were two other guys there.
I sit and the plane takes off. About 5 hours in and I'm switching through the channels on my screen when I come across a sex scene in a movie.
Suddenly I got a raging boner and because the two other guys in my row were asleep, I covered my junk in pillows and covers and I start fapping.
Some time later I'm still having a good time when suddenly one of the guys wakes up.
I thought he was still asleep but was switching positions, so I kept on fapping.
He looks at me all creeped out and calls the flight attendant.
I get scared but just manage to finish before they arrive.
The flight attendant asks the man what he wants and he just says he wants a diet coke and falls asleep again.
I couldn't sleep after that.
Morning comes and after having shitty airplane breakfast we land on Heathrow Airport.
I try to get up as fast as I can so I don't have to see him when he grabs me by the shoulder and says he realized what I was doing but that he didn't tell anyone because he understands.
I awkwardly thank him and meet up with my family at the end on the tunnel.
CopDogg: WTF is wrong with you. Jerking it next to two dudes, why not use the bathroom like a civilized person?
pmMeYourBoxOfCables: Why not wait till he was off the plane?
SteampunkMuppet: Or go to the bathroom...
Gugulio: Or wait until he was off the plane...
Exploding_Knives: Or woken up the guys next to him so they can hold blankets up to give him some privacy.
Username__Irrelevant: Or wake them and ask for a brojob.
[deleted]: CHOO CHOO
| 8 | 33.125 | |
1406050320 | 1406060120 | t3_2bev2y | t5_2to41 | 7 | red4jjdrums5: TIFU by breaking a bottle
*There's some language, sorry for length of story.*
Today I was emptying out a cooler full of beer cans that has been sitting for over a month, so I could use the cooler as a makeshift soap water bucket. There was about a full case of unopened Miller High Life or some other beer nobody at my house drinks, and one bottle of the new Miller dark or whatever they call it. I don't know, I don't drink it. I drug the cooler out into the woods behind my Jeep to empty the beer there, and was assaulted by the stench of month old, stale, vomit inducing beer. Two cans have somehow opened, despite no tabs being open, and the combination of that and stagnant water was amazing.
I tipped it over and proceeded to dump the water. Check. Now for the beer cans. Easy enough, once my senses have been dulled to this shitty smelling cooler. I have them all opened and draining their once glorious liquid (even if I don't drink Miller) emptying into the earth for some of the ground dwelling critters to enjoy. I get to the bottle, and the cap is rusted. I call my mum over to see if she can get any grip on it while wearing her gardening gloves, and it just spins. Cue our brilliant idea of smashing it on a rock.
She goes back to gardening, and as I'm barefoot with no rocks around, I decide a solid steel bumper on a Jeep is as good as a rock. Don't worry my Jeep brethren, this vehicle has taken on trees with no damage done to it. A bottle won't make a dent. I figured the weakest area would be at the cap, and I really didn't want glass to clean up, so I grabbed the bottle low and swung the top at the bumper. Direct hit, but no cigar for me. The bottle didn't break. Take two. Still no gloriously broken bottle that I'm used to seeing when resorting to such methods. Attempt three is the ticket. The most gratifying sounds of glass breaking I have heard, but....
There's something amiss here. Immediately I shout "OH FUCK ME NOT AGAIN!" followed by "Mum, we might need a hospital trip," before even looking at the damage (I'm very accident prone, and used to such things). Here the gases in the bottle built up and when the bottle finally broke, it exploded, and took some of my middle finger with it. I looked down, and see red. I know a finger still exists, but where it should be is nothing but dark red, gushing blood. It's rivaling the blood gush from a sword accident on my thumb (that's actually on tape, and funny). I walked back to the house, because why bother running, I was barefoot in an area with lots of sharp things.
Made it into the kitchen and turn on the sink to rinse out what I thought was just one cut. Turns out the tip of my finger had an awesome S cut into it. Literally, the cut made one hell of and S... I was proud. Then I look at the middle knuckle. There's white showing through the blood. Not looking good, but I could bend the finger so that was a plus. I managed to get enough water flow to counteract the blood pulsing out of my finger to see I cut to the bone. That hospital trip seemed likely, but let's face it, I could stitch that up with sterile utensils at much cheaper of the cost, but decided a butterfly or two (or four total) would be sufficient.
I got that all patched up and you would think that's the end. Well, for the cuts, it's the end. But for the blood... Cue the dogs! I'm walking down the deck stairs and my jealous dog decides to get in a fight with my brother's dog because he didn't get to the garage first. Mum's out back, dad's in the boat on the other side of the house, and I'm the closest. I ran over to them, managed to get them to stop, gave my dog a swat for being an asshole, and went to go pick up glass. Then a drip hit my foot. I looked down, and saw that in my haste to break up the dogs, I forgot about a mangled finger. Blood swirled all around my arm and hand, dripping from each finger and my elbow. Back into the house I went to clean up and apply four more butterfly bandages...
Yay stupidity. It will at least provide a fun story to people who ask about the Frankenstein's Monster of a finger I now have.
**TL;DR Busted a rusted shut glass bottle of beer, built-up pressure caused it to explode and rip up my middle finger. Patched it up only to have to separate fighting dogs and bleed all over the place once again. Woohoo**
[deleted]: Hope your finger heals; sorry about that.
red4jjdrums5: Thanks. Should be fine.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406052891 | 1406667353 | t3_2bezz9 | t5_2to41 | 27 | codysj15: Tifu by telling my friends at work a story
This is being done on my lunch through my phone so forgive me if there is any mistakes... Well i Was at work with 2 coworkers /friends they both left my department so being in the back room I decided to pull out my phone and FaceTime my gf through this group app thing (there's a lot of down time and I have an iPhone she doesn't) . Anyways as I'm making the call a customer comes so I lock my phone and place it in my pocket. It turned out to be my coworkers not a customer so we began talking and the conversation goes from booze to awkward sex. My turn comes so I tell a story about a time I was having sex in my car in the front seat with a girl who had a kid who was asleep in the back who was like 1? Long story short the baby woke up and began to cry as soon as I was releasing yeah, I know. So the stories continue. My friends leave and I go to the back to check my phone... Turns out my gf answered the FaceTime and heard everything!!! I hung up out of reaction. I panicked! I know It's the past but not to her I guess... So now she won't text me back or answer my calls... Fuck
dailyredditornigga: fuuuuuckk
codysj15: I apologized seeing it from her pov all I got back was a "bye" FML
dailyredditornigga: and update?
codysj15: We talked about it.. she thought it was something I was proud of, I explained it was just a story I was asked to tell and that I would never purposely tell the story around her and she understood it wasn't meant for her ears so we made up... Phew! close call lol
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1406055939 | 1406179814 | t3_2bf5wm | t5_2to41 | 14 | powerstorm42: TIFU by loosing a plane. Twice.
So I have been a long-time fan of radio-controlled models and this summer I decided to really get into airplanes. I just finished freshmen year in college so this is essentially my last summer to have fun before internships and work eat up my time. About two weeks ago, I had a trainer Cessna and was flying above the field behind my town doing acrobatics, loops, hammers, rolls, etc. Well, I'm trying to fly this thing upside down when I loose control and the plane goes spiraling down in the middle of the fucking field. Now, my radio lost the telemetry signal and so I go running out into the field looking for it, but it completely vanished. Two weeks are spent looking for this plane in the field to no avail (btw, I didn't really care about the plane, it cost me like 70 bucks and was probably destroyed, but I had just put in a new receiver, motor, ESC, etc. that doubled its value) .
So yesterday a new plane arrived in the mail. I assembled it and tested it at the local field the same day - flew great, tried FPV for the first time, it was awesome. So what do I do today? Take it out to the field where I lost the first plane, put on a camera and try to find the fucking Cessna with it. Well here I am, flying this jet above the field (not FPV, just with a camera recording a movie) when it gets just a bit too far away from me. Guess what happens? It crashes, exactly the same way as the first one, in the middle of the field, lost. I couldn't believe it. That field is fucking cursed.
Mclark80: IIRC...
Lose - lost
Loose - Not tight
VOIPSupport: In some contexts, Loose can also be to set free.
So, OP simply let loose his planes to the wilderness, where they belong.
CautiousTuna: The young take flight towards their mother.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1406056012 | 1406088687 | t3_2bf61h | t5_2to41 | 157 | Twinstarrider: TIFU by showing my mom a photo of my penis.
I live in a city that is so hot and humid in the summer I often get ingrown hairs or, not to be gross, boils on my skin in places that are often rubbing together. I have been riding a bike a lot so i developed a large ZIT/BOIL/WELT on the inside of my thigh, just near the grundle or taint as some call it. I cannot get a visual on this thing, I can only feel it with my fingers and feel the pain it is causing. Like a large irritated zit. Now I can use the reverse camera on the iphone to get pictures but nothing I can zoom in on to evaluate the situation more precisely. So i take out my new Nikon and get some great "wide shots" that I can then zoom in on and see what I am dealing with.
After my intense evaluation I decided to pop the sucker. Im excited. This bad boy is white all around, holding more puss than I have ever seen. I pop it, drain it, throw some neosporin on it and call it a day.
So this past weekend I went home for a visit. I decide to use my camera to catch some family moments. After I shoot some frames, i have my mom come check them out. Of course, in all the puss-filled excitement of destroying my painful boil I forgot to delete the photos I use to ID the bastard. So next frame on the screen after my family fun day photos is a picture of me tea-bagging my Nikon. I skip over as quickly as possible only to run into a second and then a third and so on until about the 7th generation of a POV photo of me teabagging, My mom blurts out...is that your weenie?! I almost die and decide I need to tell her the story and hopefully she believes it. Im over it but now I can't help but think that my mom 1. thinks I have a small unit (average it was the teabagging angle) and 2. might think Im gay and that is a pic I took right before I got teabagged or put on some Arabian Goggles. Also, now that I think about it I have just shaved my balls so she probably found that very odd as well. So TIFU by trying to self-diagnose and showing a picture of me teabagging a camera to my unsuspecting mom.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: ~~pics or it didn't happen~~ Please no pics...we believe you.
Itamed: Speak for yourself, I want to be woo-ed.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Pisces? I got some baby duck for you.
CaptainN33dledick: I keep coming back to reddit for the comment threads like this.
| 5 | 31.4 | |
1406055022 | 1406080735 | t3_2bf46o | t5_2to41 | 19 | thejwhiteway: TIFU by misreading a wine label to my customers
Alright, so this happened last night at work. I work at a steakhouse, and we frequently are changing our wine list around. Well, over the weekend (I was off) they updated our wine list, without mentioning it to me. I get this table who wants me to talk about this new "Rodney Strong" Cabernet, i basically know nothing about it, and bullshit my way through the spiel. I present the bottle as follows:
"Ah, this is a new one to our list, but a great one. We have here a delectable 2011, Rodney King, Cabernet..." They look at me kinda dumbfounded because I haven't even realized what I had said, and say "Rodney King, huh?".... I absolutely cringed, I was so embarrassed... Luckily the table had a sense of humor, and told me to "Stop living in the past!" They ended up loving the wine, and tipped me 25% on their bill.
Edit: Removed semi-classy upscale ;D
[deleted]: Bro, never use the words "semi-classy", "upscale" and "steakhouse" in the same sentence and context. :P
KiloOne: He might just work at a Semi-upscale steakhouse in a semi- classy area.
thejwhiteway: Florida. Enough said.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1406055011 | 1406060710 | t3_2bf45v | t5_2to41 | 26 | vintagemisery: TIFU by not answering the phone
I work at a doctor's office doing house keeping. So, I go in after hours to clean the office. I had been particularly busy, so I didn't get to work until really late (almost midnight). I was trying to get everything done fairly quickly so I could go home and go the fuck to sleep, so I was dusting as I was emptying all of the trash cans. I wasn't paying attention as I stepped back from a desk, and tripped over the leg of a chair. I reached out for anything to grab onto to break my fall, and my hand hit a small white box on the wall that I had never seen before. I successfully broke my fall and went along my merry way.
A few minutes later, the phone rings. Not uncommon whatsoever. People like to call at all hours to try to make appointments. So I ignored it, like I usually do.
I finished up my work and was preparing to walk out, when I turned around to find a man pointing a gun in my face. Naturally, I screamed bloody murder, threw my hands up to cover my face, and started hyperventilating. The man (a police officer [and coincidentally, my best friend's older brother]) explained they had received a panic alarm, and had called to make sure it wasn't an accident. When no one picked up the phone, they dispatched *three cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck*. At this point, I felt like I was going to collapse. I told him I hadn't done anything to set off an alarm. He took me by the hand, to show me the box on the wall. Turns out it's a panic button, and I had accidentally activated it when my hand hit it.
He and another officer searched the building to ensure there was no threat, and then they left. I finished recovering from my almost-heart attack and went home.
TL;DR: accidentally hit a panic button when I fell. Small town cops have nothing better to do.
[deleted]: Nothing better to do that answer a panic alarm? Which is their job? Bastards.
vintagemisery: I meant that, at the time, it seemed pretty overkill that they sent out that many people. Of course, now I can see that it makes sense. They didn't know what the emergency was. Still, I was pretty embarrassed. *Sigh.*
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1406059464 | 1406106939 | t3_2bfcp6 | t5_2to41 | 72 | tyranol: TIFU by killing a spider
About a week ago, I was getting ready to go to the beach and taking out the garbage the night before. When I open the door to the back porch, this abomination decides to walk in:
http://imgur.com/8lIZgPU
Before he decided to make my house his own, I decided I would take care of this. The logical conclusion? Smash that bitch with a hammer.
I ran to the basement and obtained my weapon, and crept up on the beast. It knew I was coming and made a run for it. I dove and made a wild swing and connected. Success! The spider splattered.
Everywhere. And the splatter was crawling in all different directions. And on me. And that's how I unleashed three thousand baby spiders in my house.
i_am_a_nipple: You burning your house down? I've read in the news that its a pretty efficient way of getting rid of them eight legged spawns of Satan.
tyranol: Not yet. When I hear scurrying in the walls in the night, maybe then.
AccidentalRebel72: I wouldn't take advice from a nipple though.
i_am_a_nipple: I'm a smart nipple, really.
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1406062027 | 1406110242 | t3_2bfhmd | t5_2to41 | 128 | shit_for_the_wife: TIFU--x2-- by playing out some fantasies
TIFU--well, not today, but a year ago. I guess this needs a prelude.
We're married. 2 kids, both are off to college. When we were young, we were pretty wild, but after the kids came, we were relatively tame. Our sex lives dissipated. Duds. I'm 46 and she's 43. Kids are 19 and 22.
With our youngest boy off to college, we began to make up for many nights of repressed sexual desires. We ran around the house nude, she moaned and screamed, etc... After 2 months, it died downed. The sex became mundane and banal, so we decided to try out new things. We watch porn and emulated the scenes. We tried various things.
<br>
Fast forward, skip a couple of sexual fantasies… One day, she asks that i dress up as baby so she can change me. We're not shy when it comes to making request of one another, but one thing she will not do is swallow a load. I come on her face, that's fine, but she refuses to swallow. I agree to wear a man-diaper if she swallows. We thought it would be sexy to record, watch, and destroy. Honestly, who wants to see two wrinkly old people doing it, except us?
<br>
So, ladies first. Gulp, “URGH” some shrugging. Some screaming. Took it like a champ. Watched it, laughed, she got embarrassed, deleted…
a couple of nights later... Camera in position. I’m in position wearing a diaper. I’m feeling weird as hell. My wife comes in, begins to change me… she said she wants it to be “soiled.” In my head, i’m like –“WTF.” She explains that we’re getting old, sooner or later it’s going to happen. She walks out the room, saying “I want a number 2.”
<br>
Damn, it was hard, but I managed and squeezed out a hot pile. calls for her to come back in; she assumed position, took off the diaper. She threw up on me in disgust, screaming… “What the hell John, I said NO POO. NO POO!!!!” At this point, I clearly misunderstood her, but her reaction was priceless, so I’m laughing. I laugh so hard my stomach is hurting, the diaper fell of and so did the hot pile of shit. Wife stands at the door saying how it’s not funny. We clean up. FEEEEEEEEEBREEEEEEEEEEEEEZED the shit out of the room. Moved on.
3 days later, July 4th weekend, my eldest son came home. Invited his girlfriend over. She found the camcorder that was lying there in the open. She begins to charge and watch (perhaps thinking it was my son’s middle school dance or something, who knows why young kids like old relics). Showed it to my son. They went to sleep in the guest room.
TLDR- So TIFU x2, shit for the wife and recorded it; my son and his gf saw the video. Complete silence and worse July 4th ever.
If you ask why did we do it in our son’s room, well it’s my house and I will fuck where I want. Thank you. i know it sounds farfetched, but i'm sure there's a porn producer in all of us... right...?
Stretch92009: People adjacent to me in rush hour traffic are wondering why I'm laughing so hard. Man, that was hilarious.
Waterwind: Dude maybe not browse reddit while driving?
Stretch92009: Was just sitting on the 5 while an accident cleared. Nuts to butts and boredom.
joker808man: Ahhh the 5. It's almost as bad as the 405. ALMOST.
notmycat: Once took me 5 hours to get 30 miles on the 405 on a normal weekday. Gave me such bad LA traffic PTSD that I literally won't drive through there anymore between 1 pm and 8 pm.
| 6 | 21.333333 | |
1406061871 | 1406063208 | t3_2bfhbz | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining a girls life
So this happened a couple of months back.
Before I begin, I will give a brief backstory. Her family is strict and are religious. So she is always help back from living a normal life. Her family came to my house one day and that was when we started chatting and she talked about her life. After that I gave her my number to tell me if something happened, etc.
So fast forward a month and she contacts me and asks for my snapchat and we talk on snapchat (cause it is easier to get rid of the evidence, or so I think). She tells me that she has broken up with her boyfriend and she is very sad because of this and went into semi depression. I start to cheer her up and tell her it's ok, and that its for the best etc.
Then after another few days after she is over it, she tells me she is fine and she would like to talk to me. I, being a nice friend, comply and we start talking about life and our feelings. She tells me she doesn't like her family since they are always fighting and she doesn't have much freedom/say. This is where I should have told my family cause my parents are close friends with theirs, but thinking nothing of it I keep quiet and try and console her.
After another few weeks of talking, we start doing normal teen things and talk about sex and exchange pics etc. THIS IS WHERE THE FUCK UP HAPPENS. On my phone, they are all deleted cause snapchat is like that, but on her phone some things stayed and she couldn't get rid of them. So one day when we are talking, she randomly stops replying. I think nothing of it since she is nocturnal, so I thought she just took a nap or something. A few hours later, she had deleted and blocked me from snapchat and I can't contact her.
This is when I realize that something is wrong. I start panicking because I concluded that her parents had found out...and I was right. The next morning "she" texted me saying she shouldn't have done any of that and that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that her dad will talk to my dad about all the things that happened. I really got scared cause they were making a scene out of nothing, and partly because my dad thought I was a good kid and would never do any of this. So I decide that I would tell me dad first so that he doesn't get as mad. To my surprise, when I told my dad he took it rather calmly and just told me to learn from my mistakes.
Later the same day, her dad contacted my dad and they talked and that was the end of that on my part. Now on her part, she was going through hell. She emailed me from another account what was happening and she told me that her parents had grounded her and she was not allowed to use her phone or leave the house. Her parents didn't trust her anymore and from a mutual friend I found out that she had been crying for weeks. She was basically living like a prisoner and her parents didn't trust her.
TL;DR I started talking to a girl, we did somethings normal teens do and her parents found out and didn't like it. They talked to my parents and gave her hell (no phone, no leaving the house) and have not let up.
TheRedKingofReddit: You didn't fuck up her life her strict dad did-but not yet. Just wait. You sound too young to realize this yet, but just wait because she's going to become the biggest bad-ass in a couple of years you'll be lucky if you can keep up with her. Parents like that, they stifle their children into such submission and tightly wound poses that when the little bastard turns 18, they let loose like a spring under tons of pressure and just go fucking nuts. She will be popping fucking pills, screwing every dipshit with skinny jeans and some b.s. leather vest and just generally jumping up on the proverbial table of the fancy restaurant with her middle finger resolutely crammed into her old man's shit-eating, self-righteous pompass ass. I had a g/f like that and it was awesome for awhile. I STILL miss her, like, 10 years later. But, I know in my heart that I miss what she was doing more than her the person. Anyways, that's a tangent, point is, you didn't fuck up anything. You and her? Kid stuff brother <tousles hair, punches shoulder> Hang in there!
CrowSpine: Well, this is some damn sound advice. You might actually be TheRedKingofReddit.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1406062169 | 1406073119 | t3_2bfhx0 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by not helping my friends move
My two friends, let's call them Tyler and Mary (they are engaged), moved into a house with 4-5 other people a few months ago. Don't know the whole story, but things didn't work out, they needed to move to Mary's mother's house, ASAP.
Prior to this I had helped them move into the house and stayed with them until 2-3am to move out of their then apartment that they were being kicked out of. Not so little as a thanks came from this. I also didn't hear so much as a peep from them the entire time they lived there. They didn't want to hang out or spend time with me or our mutual friends. They pretty much had me move for them and dumped me until they needed me again.
Anyway, no surprise, they asked me again to help them move, this time from the house to her mother's house. I agreed to move their bed since they don't have a truck, but left everything else behind and pretty much left it up to them. I told them I might be able to help more, but couldn't promise anything, and left it there, and they didn't come asking at all after I dropped the bed off. I didn't feel bad, I already felt like I was doing more than anyone else would have done given the circumstances.
Today I see that the 4-5 people living in that house ransacked the remaining of Tyler and Mary's items and took what they wanted for themselves and sold the rest. I also found out a lot of these items had deep sentimental value to Tyler and Mary, and now I feel like crap for not helping out more.
TL;DR Didn't help my friends move all of their "junk" to a new place because of past issues, friends they lived with pretty much stole/sold all of it.
**They also don't have access to vehicles like trucks or vans (and I do), which is why they wanted my help in the first place.**
lfl27: Well, it's not your fault you already helped them a lot. They could have moved their "junk" themselves to, and finally their previous housemates are a bunch of fuckers and they should report them. So at the end of the day you're the only one who did the right thing.
Pickapika: You know, this made me think. If the stuff they claimed had sentimental value, they would have found a way to go and get it. No, today I didn't fuck up...today..today **they** fucked up! TTFU. :)
lfl27: Exactly!
| 4 | 5 | |
1406062411 | 1406089877 | t3_2bfiew | t5_2to41 | 4 | Aqua785: TIFU by best friending a girl i just met on snapchat
So, I rarely ever use snapchat. I only regularly snapchat two people, so my third is always up for grabs pretty much. I snapchatted this girl I had met the night before about a piece of tubing she was playing with at my house. And now she's one of my best friends.
Screwed_38: Explain the fuck up?
Aqua785: My gf is number two. My ex fiancé is number one. My third is a cute girl I just met.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406062508 | 1406152576 | t3_2bfili | t5_2to41 | 254 | reportasnoob: TIFU By telling a waiter I study dentistry
I was having a pretty rough day, and on my way back home I bought a drink from the coffee bar. One of the waiters starts talking to me about what I do and I tell him I'm a dentistry student. 'ah, I hate dentists like I hate bankers, overpaid I think' is the first thing he says to me. I've heard this a lot and normally I'd ignore it but
NOT TODAY.
I replied back by asking what he does(full well knowing he works at the coffee shop full time). He says 'I've been working here for the last year' So I said 'You know in Japan, they have monkeys working in restaurants as waiters?'
The guy goes BALLISTIC, drops his tray with glasses on it and walks to the counter. The manager comes out to see whats happened and says to the waiter 'what on earth are you doing?!' The waiter ignores the manager and so, the manager grabs the waiter's shoulder. The waiter then turns and punches the manager in the jaw, at this point I decide to leave before the employees and what not start questioning me.
TIFU by ruining a waiter's 'career' and probably breaking a guy's jaw.
EqusG: As a Dentist, I kinda want to give you a high five.
I don't think I would have thought of that fast enough. Probably would have just left a 1 cent tip with the note "Overpaid, I think" on it.
But honestly, the comment is even better.
reportasnoob: Its weird, before I came to dental school I was a liberal. I still like to think I am but people seem to not even let me be a liberal. When I go anywhere and tell them Im studying dentistry, they automatically assume im some upper middle class posh kid. People just dont see me like an average guy, they think Im some sort of rich kid snob.
EqusG: Well, people assume a lot of things. There are lots of stupid and uneducated people in this world.
You'll have thick skin soon enough, since you now have a job where you have to deal with them ;)
Not much phases me anymore, though it's still fun to take jabs at people that throw the first punch.
Lots of people don't like the dentist and lots of people think we're overpaid, but at the end of the day, we have one of the cooler jobs you can have and it pays appropriate compensation. It's not so bad.
reportasnoob: The dentist I shadowed said I guarantee in 10-15 years time some of your best friends will be dentists, lawyers and bankers. Pharmacists, optometrists and medical doctors will hate you.
I didn't get it at first, nowadays I realise he couldn't be more right.
_luminate_: How come they will hate you? Im in 2nd year of med school so I'm a bit curious why doctors get such a bad rep amongst other highly paid professionals.
reportasnoob: Pharmacists and optoms hate us because we simply get paid a lot more than them apparently, and doctors hate us because we work much shorter hours and they don't like the fact we earn a better salary throughout their residency and a similar salary when they're finished.
_luminate_: Lol that makes sense. Glad I'm in medicine for the field. Thanks for the response mate. Did I use that right, "mate" I'm Canadian and I know a few Britishers and Aussies.
reportasnoob: Yeah you used it right 'dude' :P
There are far too many people in medicine/dentistry for the salary and status in the UK, its actually a HUGE problem in admission departments.
_luminate_: Haha. I know what you mean, I know a few students in my class who hate their life because they didn't understand what they signed up for. A lot of them coincidentally did it for the whole prestige and respect.
reportasnoob: They're going to hate residency...
| 11 | 23.090909 | |
1406062907 | 1406063893 | t3_2bfjeb | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by making being too nice.
hi, just a quick thing i want to say. My friends hooked me up with reddit. They did this because they believe my whole life consists of lots of TIFU's. They introduced me to reddit and taught me the basics. Im gonna.ise this account to tell you guys all my fuck ups.
Fuck up #1
This is a funny fuck up that happened to me around when i was 22. This was a few weeks after i got dumped by my super hot girlfriend. We had a good sex life and i was a very happy guy, until she dumped my ass. I went a few months without doing the deed. I was working in a bar as a bartender, this job was a life saver. My friend worked in this bar and he got me a job here. The reason why i needed this job was because i got fired. So you guys can see how im a fucked up i am already. Dumped and fired. I was working one day and this casual girl walks in. She was about a 6, maybe 7. But. I was horny as fuck. I went a few months without havig sex and i thought maybe i can get this girls number and have a one nighy stand and ditch her. So she came to me and ordered something, we talked for a bit and she was a nice person. At the end i go her number and we meet up the next day. We had dinner and eventually we went back to her place. I kinda felt bad at this moment because i realised how nice thia girl was but fuck it i went for it. We had sex. I left. So heres the fuck up she knows where i work. And somehow i didnt even think about this. Next day she shows up at the bar. I should have mentiones this girl is abit crazy. She was fucking nuts. You see i was scared at this point. She came in he bar, told everyone i raped her. I got beat up by a few locals and ended up in the street. I got fired and never came back.
TL:DR, read the first para at least.
I fucked up by one night standing a crazy chick who knew where i worked. Got called a rapist the next day and got beat up by a few locals.
Never one night stand a girl who knows where you work.
First reddit post. Getting used to this. Cut me some slack thanks.
-shitgun-: If you're gonna stick your dick in crazy, have a fall back plan.
mylifeistifu: Had to delete it, fail title. Check out the redo and comment on that pls.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406062388 | 1406122729 | t3_2bfidg | t5_2to41 | 792 | RightyOX: TIFU by climaxing in the bath [NSFW]
I was sitting in the bath and thinking about the day when a certain memory came to mind. So, as a male I started to masturbate; as I was about to climax I had nothing to 'catch' my ejaculation so it wouldn't go into the water. I climaxed anyways and was about to get out when I realized it had collected, in watery lumps in my pubes.
I got out and wiped it on what I thought was my towel. BIG MISTAKE! Being an odd family we all have the same colour towels with our initials on the side, well long story short I wiped my cum all over my mom's towel without realising.
I only realised when she came down, after showering, with said towel on her head. she took it off to go outside and brush it when I realized my half dry ejaculate was in her hair. She noticed shortly after.
Right now I'm in my room writing this as her and my dad are discussing what to do. Wish me luck.
Edit: just woken up for final day of high school, will try to get out without anybody noticing. Will post update when I get back. Thanks for the up votes guys, made me feeling slightly better knowing you can laugh at my fuck up.
UPDATE: I finished school at 12:30 and got back at 8 ish (its 9:10 now) and Everything has been CLEARED up (pun intended) my parents sat me down and were actually kinda cool about the whole thing. My dad says he knew I had 'urges' and maybe the best place to express them weren't in the bathroom. My mum kinda laughed didn't say much. I'm now up in my room cringing with embarrassment. Cheers guys for the funny comments to help me get through this!
steezyvape: Dude you got your gentleman's relish in your mom's hair.
So bad.
vaginal_milk: >gentleman's relish
HardKnockRiffe: >>Gentleman's relish
BreakRideBlaster: >>>Gentleman's relish
sbheh: >>>> Gentleman's relish
gamerguyy666: >>>>> Gentleman's relish
sbheh: >>>>>> Gentleman's relish
alexdnick: >>>>>>> Gentleman's relish
sbheh: >>>>>>>> Gentleman's Relish
coool12121212: >>>>>>>>>> Gentleman's Relish
penguingod26: >>>>>>>>>>> Gentleman's Relish
>
JMorand: >>>>>>>>>>>> Gentleman's Relish
HubBonisseurDeLaBath: >>>>>>>>>>>>>Gentleman's Relish
| 14 | 56.571429 | |
1406064392 | 1406065772 | t3_2bfm4o | t5_2to41 | 8 | Rootkit9208: TIFU by being nearsighted.
Yes, this actually happened today.
I live with my girlfriend and her mom. Her mom got a package in the mail that said "Please refrigerate immediately." Being considerate, I texted her mom to let her know that she had received some perishables and that I was going to put them in the freezer for her. While putting the food (frozen pizzas) away, I saw a puck of ice at the bottom. I thought nothing of it, closed the foodless package, and went to the couch to watch a documentary.
After a short time, the stifling heat started to get to me. Thinking of the package I'd just opened, I fondly remembered the puck of ice and thought about how nice it would be to rest my head on it. I went into the kitchen and reopened the package. There was writing on the plastic covering the ice puck, so I picked it up and brought it close enough to read.
The puck turned out to be dry ice, and I burned my hand (actually mild frostbite) trying to read the packaging warning against grabbing it with your bare hands.
TL;DR, always read the packaging.
SaltinPepper: Also, "refrigerate" doesn't mean to put it the freezer. My insulin is shipped that way, and freezing would ruin it.
Rootkit9208: True enough. The food said to freeze on its packaging, thankfully.
SaltinPepper: I have a real problem with labels, too. Gotta have the reading glasses.
| 4 | 2 | |
1406063859 | 1406066172 | t3_2bfl63 | t5_2to41 | 6 | TheEmzfitzer: TIFU by stopping for coffee
Today I was driving home to the west of Ireland with my s.o when we stopped for coffee at Enfield, just over one hour into a three hour journey. We stopped at an Applegreen garage on the N4, my s.o queued for the coffee while I ran to pee. Just as I flushed the toilet I heard a "clunk" noise, giggling to myself as someone had just dropped something in the toilet. I wash my hands and go to get my key from my pocket. It's not there.
Horror came over me as I realised I'd just flushed my car key down the toilet. It was to a Prius so it was an electronic one. My spare key was in my ex boyfriends house...back up in Dublin. I rang my ex immediately, but no joy. He was drinking and therefore couldn't drive.
I devised a plan to get a taxi back to Dublin, pick up the key and get a taxi back. However, a true friend stepped in and offered to drive the key down to me.
3 hours later we were back in the car. 5 hours later we realised we were locked out of the house after my parents forgot to leave keys for us.
A long, stressful day but finally sitting down to a drink. Life is good.
rhgla: http://m.ebay.com/itm/171348009146?nav=SEARCH
TheEmzfitzer: Lifesaver! Was quoted €300 for a new one
| 3 | 2 | |
1406064737 | 1406107402 | t3_2bfmss | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by fudging someone's wife.
This actually happened a year ago and it wasn't my fuck up but rather my friend's. So here's what happened. There were five of us in the car (All around 16) driving through a town about 30 minutes away from where we lived. We drive here quite frequently because our hometown is boring as fuck so anyways it was a particularly hot day and before we left, we stopped at a local gas station to fill up and what not. Well my friend that this story pertains to decides it would be a good day to buy fudge and since we were all hungry it seemed pretty logical. Now the thing about this fudge is its pretty large (like size of your palm large) and there's six pieces in a package. So were driving to the town while eating this fudge and after about half a piece per person it felt like a brick was sitting in our stomachs so we set the rest on top of the dash.
The sun continued to beat down and once we got to our destination we drove around and stopped at a few places. While driving we noticed the fudge was being reduced to a massive sludge Because of the heat and it was about time to throw it away. Somehow we got the bright idea to throw it out while driving and this idea escalated to throwing it at a car.
So my brother is driving the car and my friend who fucks up is sitting in the passenger’s seat and I’m in the middle between two other people. After some egging on and peer pressure we convince the friend sitting in the passenger seat to throw it. So here we are on the main road coming up to a set of lights which are green and a sliver Toyota truck zipping by. We move up Right next to him and my friend chucks the huge melty piece of fudge out of the window into the direction of the truck.
Now we all thought he was probably going to miss or hit the tire or something.
Nope.
The fudge flies through the air and splatters all over him, his wife and the inside of the truck through his window. The driver is just covered with the glorious fudge, the wife screaming hysterically and the inside of his Car probably ruined. Were all completely shocked and in awe really over what just happened. The driver revs his engine and gets extremely close to us yelling obscene things and telling us to pull over and stop because he's going to call the cops.
As were deciding what to do the lights up ahead turn red so we decide to stop the car, we contemplated speeding off but we didn’t know if he got our licence plate number or not so my friend in the passenger seat rolled down his window to talk to the man and apologize.
It took him a while to come out of his Car which built even more tension and we weren’t sure what to expect from him. Out of nowhere he appeared fudge in hand as he smashed my friend in the face with it covering him in Fudge. The man then delivered probably three good shots to his face before throwing my friends head back in the car.
He wasn’t done yet though. Right before he got back in his car He straight up fucking falcon punched my brother’s car in the back with his bare fist. The dent is pretty noticeable. http://i.imgur.com/mCE2UWg.jpg. We sped off after that and my friend now in a rage was screaming for us to stop the car and let him out but we calmed him down after about 15 minutes. We decided to not press charges because he did get fudged pretty fucking hard and we Never did see him or his truck again. Ever since that day we've always referred to that incident as “The Fudging".
EDIT: Paragraph breaks.
DIA13OLICAL: Totally though that was lingo for fucking someone's wife.
Foreigncarwhipper: Same
808metz: As well
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406065797 | 1637604343 | t3_2bfoqh | t5_2to41 | 71 | waterbooty: TIFU by giving myself an accidental enema
This happened two weeks ago and I'm still cringing from it.
I was on holiday with my family and we were at this water park, it was nearing the end of the day and I decided to go down one of the water slides. The water slide was high up and basically vertical and I hadn't been on this yet so I decided to get a quick go on it before the water park closed. As I got to the top the lifeguard told me the usual stuff - keep arms and legs inside the slide blah blah blah. I just wanted to get to the bottom as fast as possible so I jumped straight on.
As I was going down I was slowly gaining more and more speed when suddenly I had this unusual sensation in my ass, it felt like a fart but pushing in the opposite direction. I was getting worried and then suddenly I felt the "pop" followed by a sudden rush of pain. The slide spat me out into the pool at the bottom and I quickly made my way out.
I was walking back to my parents and I still had the fart sensation present. (At the time I had no idea about what had just happened) I decided to let it rip as it felt like a silent one, what happened next I cannot fully remember. I heard a splash on the ground. It sounded like a tap running. Some guy turned around and said "Dude, you just shit yourself!" Except it wasn't shit it was water coming out of my ass? People were staring, laughing. Oh God the laughing. The laughs will forever echo inside my head taunting me for the rest of time. I ran straight to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. I'm just glad my family didn't find out what happened.
TL;DR: Got my anal virginity taken by a water slide.
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: Bullshit. Not even nearly enough water pressure to shoot water up your butt hole unless you've been using a donky dick dildo and your poop shoot flaps in the wind.
wofedoge: false, happened to someone I know. They didn't cross their legs when going down the slide the rest OP already explained
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: Yeah, ok.
wofedoge: clearly you've never been on a big water slide
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: My friend worked at one for 11 years. He has NEVER known anyone have water shoot up their butt hole.
Rinat1234567890: he's never heard* of anyone have water shoot up their butt hole
Jambo973: I like the idea of replying to a guy from 7 years ago and I probably know which post you came from lmao
irishusmc2232: Lmfao that guy isn't even going to remember wtf this post is about.
Iambetter6969: I remember you son
irishusmc2232: Wow, been a few years since I've had a reddit stalker. Alright, into the trash heap with you.
Iambetter6969: Stop stalking me man seriously I'll call the mods on you
| 12 | 5.916667 | |
1406067623 | 1406085745 | t3_2bfs7o | t5_2to41 | 8 | UndeadShawn: TIFU by making lunch
I woke up shirtless and hungry. My problem was that I'm officially out of good food. I haven't been to the store lately and all I have left now is the generic brand ramen noodles. So shirtless me decides to make that for lunch so, stove on, pot filled with water and ramen contents. Fast-forward to transferring the soup to a bowl. In the process of transfer, I don't notice that I'm a fucking idiot and I let boiling water touch my hand as I'm pouring. Like a moron, I drop the bowl, causing contents that made it into the bowl to splash on the stove and onto me. I drop the pot and get more boiling water thrown onto my body. So today I've been sitting with second degree burns on my stomach, arms and a bad one on one of my nips. Luckily, I know what to do in a situation like this and I've patched myself up quite nicely.
tl;dr I spilled boiling soup water on myself and now have second degree burns on the upper half of my body.
coinpile: Second degree burns that large need medical care. Please get some.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/first-aid/first-aid-burns/basics/art-20056649
UndeadShawn: There were small blisters. Not even blisters. Looked like bumps. They swelling and redness faded and the bumps are just a bit tender. I was guided in how to handle most medical emergencies. I'm okay.
coinpile: Oh, it sounded like large patches of burns. Still, pretty sucky experience there. Having recently recovered from a 2nd degree burn myself, I do not envy you.
| 4 | 2 | |
1406066271 | 1406131943 | t3_2bfpnr | t5_2to41 | 11 | simplynice: TIFU by overreacting to an off comment
I totally misconstrued something wife said last night. She said she has to "Walk on eggshells" with me. What she meant was that she feels I overreact to lots of things. In this case I did, she was right and I was wrong. I thought she was holding back information from me to 'protect' my feelings. TIFU indeed!
Lunasky1: I think you need to analyze what's going on with you since this is not at all related to her. I know when I tended to react this way towards my partner it is based in fear and fear is the opposite of love.
That happened more with my last relationship. I'm in a happy one now but I really had to delve into myself to find out my own demons / fears.
I'll share a link later that might be helpful
simplynice: I agree totally! Anything you can provide is appreciated!
Lunasky1: http://www.purposefairy.com/67880/6-things-i-wish-i-knew-before-my-first-relationship/
Here you go. I think this really puts a lot of things in perspective. In my case I left the relationship and I'm away happier person because my partner knows how to give back to me and she knows me on a different level. Good luck friend!
simplynice: Great article thanks so much. I don't think I'm in the mindset of letting this relationship go. I much rather would fix it, or in a better sense understand it for what it is or is not!
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1406069437 | 1406069846 | t3_2bfvk4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | throw_awee: TIFU by liking my ex's ex's Instagram picture
I'm new to Instagram and was browsing my ex's ex's pictures, purely out of curiosity, not jealousy or regret (she's a beautiful woman and seemingly lovely too). And as I swiped up, it decided to "like" one of her pictures. I'm hoping that as I "un-liked" it faster than I could shout "FUCKING PHONE", it won't have registered and she wont be notified.
Please make the cringing stop.g
I_RAPE_SHARKS: That's kind of a boring story.
A_Talking_Tree: what are you talking about? this is super crazy.. its good that she used a throw away
I_RAPE_SHARKS: Now that I think about it, you're right. If people found out who she is she'd be in some serious trouble.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1406069984 | 1406092432 | t3_2bfwhb | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU Finding my exs' reddit account.
So a couple of days ago, I found my ex wife's reddit account. She had warned me that I really didn't want to know what she thought. Well she was right. I found it by searching for a very unique post, and only because I was going to make a similar post. I thought that it was hard, when we split, but now, I'm spiraling down even further. I should have never searched to post that pic. In hindsight TIL I'm a pretty big dumb ass, and reddit has heard my story, in other subs. So in closing I hate spelling and grammar, and really didn't know pain until now.
mj514: So are you going to link us to her account or what?
SHUMAGORATH7: Yes this is good yes do this
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1406071170 | 1406072544 | t3_2bfylf | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by killing me and my girlfriends cat.
I am so fucked up I was wearing sunglasses inside and couldn't see anything and as I was walking to the bedroom to get my phone off the charger I stepped on Satan's neck. (Our cat...she has had for five years) I don't know what to do she will be home in two hours. What do I do?
beep_boop_sleep: Adopt a new cat, and tell her you had an accident with permanent spray paint.
justhearmeoutokay: That cost 60 bucks and I'm broke until payday. I have a woodchipper but if I do that and she wants to bury it then she will think I'm nuts. Should I get rid of the body? How can I tell her I killed her cat while I was stoned out of my mind? This will ruin us.
beep_boop_sleep: You should probably just tell her straight up. There's nothing more that a girl appreciates than telling the truth.
And a nice down-there party
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1406071259 | 1406115588 | t3_2bfyqm | t5_2to41 | 8 | grandpacaughtme: TIFU By looking at muscular men
So here it goes...
I was helping my grandpa at the bar where he volunteers. While I was helping him I was sending some girl some snaps, and I joke about a hot girl coming in here... As a response she sends a picture of a rather muscular looking topless man. Of course, I wanted to respond by photoshopping my head onto another muscular man as a joke. So, while I'm searching on the computer for a man to photoshop myself onto, my grandpa walks in, stares at my monitor, and quickly runs away... I noped the fuck out of the bar "to take a walk". Later at dinner he asked if I had a girlfriend... So yeah.
tl;dr Looked at pictures of muscular men, grandpa thinks I'm gay now(Not that there is anything wrong with that, just to clarify)
lfl27: Grandpa i'm not gay! I was just looking for a pic of a muscular man to photoshop my head on and then send it to my girl friend! He will believe you for sure...
grandpacaughtme: It was not my girlfriend, just some random girl. ^^^^:(
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406073115 | 1406087217 | t3_2bg1w0 | t5_2to41 | 28 | CheaterThrowawayyy: TIFU by reading a note.
I wanna preface this by saying in am in fact a teen living at home with his/her parents. Through out the week, I've been in the process of clearing out junk in our spare room and cleaning it up for some family that's staying with us soon (Mom's side). I'm the only one doing it because my mother is currently undergoing chemo and my father is at work almost all day. While going through some boxes of paper determining it it's junk or not, I found a hand written note. It was tucked away in a box that was fairly out of sight, as if hidden. I noticed it was my mother's handwriting. This is where I fucked up.
Me, being the snoop I am, decided to read the note. It was kind of vague and written in Spanish (second language but I understood it). Basically I can tell this was written last winter when my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. I can tell it's written to my father. She's basically saying how whatever mistakes he made is in the past and not to say anything to not ruin out family's Christmas.
She says (this really fucking hurt to read) that she thinks my father probably wished her cancer was terminal because she feels like he's eating her from the inside (roughly translated). This is where I got nervous. She goes on to name a "her". My mother says how she feels "like an idiot texting her as if everything is alright and letting her in our house".
Doesn't that sound like he's cheating to you guys? I'm not sure what to think or who to talk to. I currently have the note hidden and I'm not sure if I should confront her about it. Everyone knows my mother is a saint and she probably would help my dad hide an affair and contain all that emotional damage to keep our family together and see me happy. I don't know what to do.
What if my suspicions are correct? My whole fucking family is destroyed. This could completely alter everything in all of our lives and it took 3 minutes to happen. If you guys have any suggestions please I just need someone to tell me what I should do.
Edit: So, I talked to her about it. It turns out that note was quite old and from her first cancer scare (she has 3 types if you can believe it) when I was about 5. The woman was a coworker who she was jealous of. I misinterpreted the note. I believe her. She assured me if he ever did cheat she would not stay for me. I believe her. We're fine now and boy am I relieved. Thank you all for the help.
esearcher: The note was hidden. Do your family a favor and destroy it. The contents aren't between you and your father, they are between your mother and your father and you were never meant to read it. Maybe he was never meant to read it either.
I'm sorry this happened, and I'm sorry your mother is ill (what is her prognosis?), and I'm sorry this is the way you found out that your father is a philanderer. But it's not your business. You are going to have to figure out how to sort it out, be it through talking to friends or going to therapy. But don't get involved in something that's not meant for you. It won't help anyone and you will regret it for years to come.
CheaterThrowawayyy: She's going to be okay after a few more surgeries, thank you for asking. How am I supposed to move on? How am I supposed to respect or even care for my father at all if don't know the truth? I can't live in this house like that.
esearcher: You don't have to respect your father. Many people don't. I stopped respecting or even liking my father when I was a teen because of the way he treated my mother. Honestly. You can go to therapy or find an online support group to learn how to move on. The only thing you can't do is heap this on your mother right now. When she is completely in the clear, then you can revisit the topic. But right now, it would probably be more than she can handle, you know?
ETA: I'm glad she's going to be ok!
CheaterThrowawayyy: Right. Thank you for the advice. We have a close relationship, though. He would know something is wrong with me if I were suddenly cold with him. He does everything and constantly makes sacrifices for us. I can't see how he would do this. It would be impossible to live under the same roof as him if this were true.
esearcher: After your mother is out of danger, tell her you found the note. Maybe she'll explain that he made it up to her and she's found a way to forgive him. If she can forgive him then you can too. If she isn't able to forgive him (and let's face it, that would take amazing strength to do so), then you will have ample opportunity to discuss this with him. But for now, you just have to sit on it. I know how hard that will be, I do. But for the greater good, for your mom's health, and for her dignity, you just have to sit on it. Remember, it's not just your father's shame. The person who has been cheated on feels an extreme amount of embarrassment too. You'll have to tread lightly, because your mother might be very ashamed for you to know that she was cheated on and allowed him to stay. But whatever you do, you have to wait till your mom is healthy.
CheaterThrowawayyy: I don't think I can wait a year to find out whether my dad is an asshole enough to cheat on a woman who has cancer. Their marriage was sort of arranged. They were together with out love so I can imagine my mom staying with him only for my benefit. This is the worst feeling ever.
esearcher: I understand, I really do. My family history is a little different, but my mother stayed with a terrible man for my benefit, thinking an unbroken home was better than a horrible, miserable one. So I get it, I do. But right now doesn't seem like the time or place. Can you at least wait till her family leaves? It would be really humiliating if they found out that he cheated on her. Even though it's always totally the cheater's fault, the person who has been cheated on feels humiliated and like they aren't enough, they're not good enough, sexy enough, witty enough, capable enough, etc. Nobody would want their family to think that (even if it's not reality and only in her head). And if it turns out that she forgave him, she wouldn't want to make life awkward by tainting their view of him. I promise that saying something now isn't going to take away the awful feeling. In fact, it might even be worse if he lies to your face. But it's not the time for discord in the house, not with her family coming. Do you think you can just fake it till they leave?
See, if you say something to him, he'll ask how you know. You can't show him the letter because that might have been a personal exercise your mom wrote and never intended him to see. She might have planned to get rid of it and just lost track of it. It's not yours to show him. So your hands are really tied right now.
CheaterThrowawayyy: Hmm, no I'm pretty sure he read it because it was left in his old office. That was the room I found it in. The family is moving in with us. I don't see them leaving for at least a year or two. If not more. We (my mother and myself) can't support ourselves on our own. All of the family we have here is on my dad's side. I think having them here would help, no?
esearcher: Who knows if it would help or not. I think that's up to your mother.
Here's something to ponder. What would change by your father admitting to the affair? You aren't old enough to be out on your own, so there's nothing you can do. He can't apologize to you, I mean he can, but they'd just be empty words because what he did was to your mother, not to you. He could tell you he's sorry he hurt your mother, of course. But what if everything is going smoothly between them? What if they've talked about it and he sincerely regretted his behavior and they mended things between them. A couple's business isn't family business, you know? So I guess what I'm asking you to think about is what place you have in all of this, what reasonable expectations you can have, and what could your father do to change any of this for you?
CheaterThrowawayyy: What would happen if he admits it to me? I don't have to pretended to respect him (if this is true). If it's out in the open they can be separated and my mother can know that we're better off. We have the financial and emotional support of my mom's family who's staying here. She shouldn't be with some cheating asshole just to make me happy. She deserves the best and I'm going to make sure she's happy. She means everything to me I can't let her keep it to herself if this is true.
esearcher: These aren't your choices to make. These are her choices to make. What if she wants to stay with him, and the thought that you wouldn't respect her for it is crushing to her? Your parents have a marriage, it's theirs. Who says she's with him just for you? You have no idea what she was really feeling when she wrote that note, and you have no idea what she wants. You can't control her marriage, and you can't insert yourself into your parents marriage. You just can't. I know it's not fair, and I know it's painful. But you have to respect that their marriage is theirs to fix, destroy, rebuild, fake or whatever. Maybe your mom doesn't want to be alone, maybe she's afraid despite the support you feel is there. Maybe your father is desperately sorry for what he did. There are 1,000 maybes. But at the end of the day, this is as personal to them as their sex life. It sucks to sit on this information, and I'm so sorry you found it. But it's not yours to make decisions with.
CheaterThrowawayyy: She has asked me in the past what would we do in a situation like this. I guess at this point you'd just have to be in the situation to understand. My mother is certainly not at her happiest living with my dad's crazy family. She constantly semi-jokingly tells me we should just move away from frustration. If anyone were to keep a broken marriage alive just to keep her kid happy it would be my mother. She sacrifices everything for me. I know her. I just don't want her to be in unhappy because of me.
esearcher: I have literally been there. The source of misery was addiction and abuse, not philandering, but the relationship with my mother was the same as yours. But I promise you inserting yourself in major choices will not end well. There is guilt and regret and all sorts of things. Plus, you only know what she's said when things are bad. And you only know what she says to blow off steam. This isn't your battle. I know it feels like it is, but I promise you it isn't. All you can do is support her and the decisions she comes to. And when you're an adult and out of the house, there is more you can do. But for now, all you can do is just be there (and not stir up more drama or force her hand to discuss more than she's willing to discuss). I'm sorry. It sucks, but sometimes things don't have an easy answer/solution.
CheaterThrowawayyy: So you're suggesting I do nothing? Pretend like everything is all right? How in earth do I do that.
esearcher: I'm suggesting that sometimes it's not all about you, and sometimes the easiest choices are the most selfish ones, and the hardest ones take sacrifice. See a therapist. Speak to a friend's parent who doesn't know your parents. You don't have all the answers, and you don't have the life experience to make the best decisions here. Whatever you want to do now might not seem like it at the moment, but it is self-serving. Sometimes we have to sacrifice through our own pain to do cause the least amount of pain to others. And knowing that you're not choosing for yourself, but with others in mind, that's how you get through it.
CheaterThrowawayyy: So, I talked to her about it. It turns out that note was quite old and from her first cancer scare (she has 3 types if you can believe it) when I was about 5. The woman was a coworker who she was jealous of. I misinterpreted the note. I believe her. She assured me if he ever did cheat she would not stay for me. I believe her. We're fine now and boy am I relieved. Thank you for the help.
esearcher: Good. I'm glad you got some resolution. Your mom sounds like one tough woman, and I wish her a full recovery (and no more cancer!)
CheaterThrowawayyy: Thank you so much for everything:)
esearcher: :)
| 20 | 1.4 | |
1406073965 | 1406204230 | t3_2bg39j | t5_2to41 | 100 | Tplayer47: TIFU by telling my friend to masturbate with me [NFSW]
My friend and I were just messing around, typing things like, "You look at gay porn!" and things among that. We were typing together on Steam, and I didn't even realize, but after he said, "You look at gay furry porn," I jokingly said, "Yeah dude totally I'll bring a video over so we can jack off together," and low and behold, he gets silent. Part of me wondered if such a joke was awkward, which it more than likely was, but I'm tired. After a pause he says, "My mother just walked in and saw that."
His mother just saw me ask him and I to masturbate together. I don't even say anything to that, I just go offline, stare at my desktop in complete defeat, and I have yet to even say anything to him, nor will I even be able to anytime soon.
TL;DR: I jokingly asked my friend to masturbate to gay porn with me, and his mother was present for the entire question.
SirHamhands: I say call her bluff. Next time you knock on the door, show up in the bottom half of a chipmunk costume and ask if her son is home.
TooSexyForMySelf: What will the bottom half of a chipmunk costume prove?
Nandabun: Do you know what a furry is?
TooSexyForMySelf: I do not :(
Krynique: Google it.
(Don't)
Nandabun: Basically, it ranges from people that simply like animal cartoons with human personalities, like Bugs Bunny, Disney's Robin Hood, etc, to the extremes of people that make all the other furries look bad by parading around in fur suits at conventions and in public and doing stupid shit.
| 7 | 14.285714 | |
1406075025 | 1406170033 | t3_2bg527 | t5_2to41 | 9 | karabear94: tifu by not washing the towels
Tifu by not picking up my bloody towels. So I'm living with my boyfriend (john) and his family. We have a very healthy sex life but he's allergic to latex and I'm allergic to the lube on the lamb skin condoms. so recently I had a birth control placed in my uterus, it lasts for 5 years and is very affective. the downside is its made me bleed for a month now but it hasn't slowed down our sex life. we kept a tow by the bed so we could contain all the blood and threw the used ones behind the door. well a few days ago we got drunk together, had bloody sex and cleaned up. later that night I tried to eat and threw it all up inside, and I'm so glad I did because throwing up saved my dignity. his mom heard me throwing up too might I add. She did laundry the next day and grabbed the bloody towels! she thought the stains were from me throwing up, but i cant believe she touched those towels... tifu.
loglsw: what in the fuck is a tow and do I even want to know?
Matt_FR: err... a towel !
loglsw: ohhhhhhhhh totally thought it was like some fucked up tool to clean up vag blood... *shudder*
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406076342 | 1406292271 | t3_2bg7aw | t5_2to41 | 1,688 | TIFUposter: TIFU by saying "Who's your daddy?" during sex with my new GF
Yeah...yeah...I know...doesn't matter, had sex...
So, it was a fun, light-hearted moment, a sexy time moment. She is a talker, likes to say all kinds of porn-esque sex talk in the heat of the moment.
I, on the other hand, normally very quiet, focused, intense, trying not to be a premature ejaculator.
Trying to think of something to say to work in with her sex patter. So, I come up with, "Who's your daddy?" in my faux deep bedroom voice.
She stops, not just stops, but like completely stops, frozen, and starts crying, "I don't know, my mother was raped." Turns out her mom was raped during a party when she was a teen.
Like, how would I know this? I wouldn't, but apparently that doesn't matter. Total mood killer. She stops. She gets say, "Sorry, I have to go." Haven't seen her in a week, not answering my calls.
poesie: Dude, that's a REALLY dumb thing to say anyway. But sorry it happened to you.
mr_easy_e: Dumb because it's silly/corny? Or dumb because there's a chance her mother was raped at a party and she doesn't know the identity of her father? I could see saying something dumb like that without thinking, but I'm curious to know why it's REALLY dumb in all caps.
poesie: Because it's really corny and can ruin the mood.
[deleted]: And really, what is the correct answer to that question? Guy asks me who my daddy is. Am I supposed to say him? Even if I'm not into incest role play?
_default_account_: The correct response is "you are", should you ever hear this at the height of pleasurez.
the_red_beast: Still weird if you're not into daddy play.... I don't want to have sex with someone I'm calling my dad... Some people may be okay with this, but I wouldn't just assume that.
_default_account_: There's only one way to find out.. Seems OP got the worst reaction possible, other than a totally violent flipout.
[deleted]: There's two ways to find out: asking if she's into it before hand, or getting blue balled because you sprung it on her during.
_default_account_: Or, ask during and enjoy the ride.. If she's into it, that is.
| 10 | 168.8 | |
1406078747 | 1406154761 | t3_2bgbc5 | t5_2to41 | 183 | inneedofadultdiapers: TIFU by peeing myself on a first date
Met a real swell guy online, we hit off really well. After a week of talking, we finally decided to meet up. It was really great. Amazing chemistry between us. As we were avidly discussing an anime on a dock over water at a park, suddenly something was horribly wrong. I felt liquid dripping down my leg.
In that moment I was the most embarrassed I have ever been in my whole life. Luckily, it was a very small stream of pee and I was wearing a skirt so it just slowly made its way down one of my legs. I couldnt stop peeing, so naturally I just kept his attention to my face and kept animatedly talking about anime, letting the pee slowly release from my urethra. We were standing on a dock thing and still had an hour left of our meetup and my leg, shoes and dock was wet with pee.
The peeing stopped after what felt like an eternity. I skillfully put my legs together, turned around, having my butt face the water and leaned on the railing and stood over the wet spot. My skirt had no evidence of pee on it, only my legs and the deck did. All the while peeing myself, I kept on being natural. I have no clue how I managed to stay natural. I have no clue why I peed also.
I somehow managed to finish the meetup, acting normal while pee slowly dried off my legs. I think, despite the fuck up, I did pretty well dealing with it and he didn't seem to notice. Now all I hope he isn't a redditor.
**TL;DR: I peed myself on my first date with a guy.**
beep_boop_sleep: Hey, you did pretty good :0
At least you played it cool, unlike my ex, who at the time of our first or second date said to me "I got so excited I peed my pants at my house but didn't feel like changing pants so I'm still soaked with pee." He was 17.
I know it was pee because it smelled like pee.
cockroach1: ... and you dated him?
beep_boop_sleep: It was a complicated situation, but yes, I did.
sYnce: so you dated an 17 year old incontinent? I wonder what happened when you got naked
beep_boop_sleep: He was actually like, exactly like me, except for the peeing. Otherwise he was exactly normal (he's even here on reddit)
bashfulcity: Somewhere in a dark, cold, pee-smelling room. He's looking at this thread and cursing your name.
beep_boop_sleep: Yeah pretty much, lol
| 8 | 22.875 | |
1406078390 | 1406088955 | t3_2bgaqd | t5_2to41 | 45 | nainaho: TIFU by masturbating, then peeing all over myself
So, some background first: my mom is visiting her parents and my siblings are at a summer camp, so it's just me and my dad at home for the next couple of weeks.
As the horny college student I am, I stay up late at night and do the deed, usually after my dad has gone to bed. So, last night was no different. Brought up some good videos, had some fun, then went to my bathroom (which adjoins my room) to clean up and get rid of the evidence. Assuming my dad was sound asleep, I left the browser open on the video, thinking I would be back in a few minutes.
So, while I was in the bathroom, I also realized I needed to pee, so I begin peeing (I'm a guy). In the middle of the pee stream, I begin glancing around and suddenly see a massive spider on the side mirror. Now, I'm super freaked out, so I jump into the air and scream. My pee goes everywhere on the floor and apparently, my dad hears the scream and wakes up.
I suddenly realize my computer is still on, with the video out for the whole world to see. Hearing my dad begin to walk towards my room, I have a choice to make. Clean up the mess I've now made in the bathroom, or close my laptop before my dad gets to my room. I choose the latter and try and rush back out to my room before he gets there.
I then slip right on the pee that has accumulated on the floor and fall flat on my back. Apparently, I must have passed out because when I looked up, my dad was standing in my room, staring at me naked on the bathroom floor while a porn star is moaning at the top of her lungs in the background.
TL;DR My dad saw me naked with pee all over myself and learned that I watch porn.
[deleted]: So how did breakfast go the next morning?
nainaho: So far, I've avoided all interaction. I woke up really late in the morning, at which point he was already out of the house. When he gets home later today, I think I might just pretend like it never happened. Not sure how long that will last, though, since it'll just be us for the next two and a half weeks.
[deleted]: I mean it's probably not the best thing but I always make believe it never happened. I got caught smoking weed at my dad's place when I was 15 and we had a nasty fight that night and he told me to never come back there (he's a dick). Anyway, I woke up and made believe it never happened and neither of us brought it up. It only gets awkward when someone brings up weed. So don't bring up piss or porn. I wish you luck my friend.
tacky1151: Well, to be fair, he was probably worried about you... Smoking weed isn't exactly good for your overall health
UnmotivationalSpeakr: Dude, I took one weed at a party awhile ago and I actually died.
geriatric-gynecology: My second cousin injected 2 Marijuanas, and killed his grandma :(
| 7 | 6.428571 | |
1406079616 | 1406088855 | t3_2bgct5 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by lying to a professor
So last week I had an exam for one of my classes and I stayed up the past two nights studying for it. Well on the day of the exam, after staying up for 24+ hours, I thought I could put my head down for a few minutes. I ended up sleeping past the exam time and I lied to my professor about being in a car accident. Well now she has asked for proof and I am completely screwed. Any thoughts on what to do?
Edit: Thanks for the advice guys, I will be talking to my professor soon.
ivannabannana: Find a friend with a banged up car, get photos of it, claim its your and get independent proof (ie a written statement from someone you don't know, use a neighbour or something, someone you know from church or temple or mosque or whatever), and take them in to the professor. Should be enough :)
Good luck!
helpplease487: Okay so I actually have pics from a prior accident, thank god. Don't you think the proof would have to be a statement by my insurance though? I thought about writing my own up, but I'm not sure.
ivannabannana: I thought about that. Insurance would be better because it is more legitimate but difficult to do well and could potentially get you into more trouble (fraud etc.).
Independent proof works for the largest exams in my state so hopefully it would work for your uni :/
helpplease487: So they accept independent proof where you go? I just thought maybe that would come off as obviously fake.
ivannabannana: Yeah they do. I would have assumed so as well, thankfully I've never needed to use it so I'm not entirely sure of the procedure, but I'm sure if you included the phone number of the person (I'd use a neighbour coz you kinda know each other) the prof could call them and they could cover for you. Give them $20 or something if they don't really like you or whatever and see where it goes :)
helpplease487: Okay thanks for your help!
dolphinesque: When your Prof asks for the name of your ins. Company, goes to their website to get the number, calls them and finds out that you never contacted them, what elaborate lie will you concoct then?
Check your school rules as well as your local laws. Do you really want to risk getting expelled just so you won't get a zero? You can always retake the class. But an expulsion can mess you're life UP.
dolphinesque: Your* (sorry, can't edit on my phone I guess)
| 9 | 2 | |
1406080367 | 1406140433 | t3_2bge0f | t5_2to41 | 167 | CactusOfShame: TIFU by choosing a 2 AM writing location [NSFW]
Last night I had the sudden urge to write. (I guess insomnia is a good cure for writer's block.) I got out an old notebook that was falling apart and a pen and was ready to start cranking some dialogue out at 1:30 in the morning.
There was one problem; I was bored with my room. I wanted to go outside and let the night air fuel my creativity. The second problem is that I'm only seventeen, and, generally, parents don't take kindly to the idea of their children taking random nighttime strolls. You can see where this is going.
I loaded my pockets with my phone, a blue pen, my keys, and one of those small but super-bright flashlights. With my notebook in hand, I stealthily entered my garage and exited out through the side door, making sure to lock each door to avoid suspicion. (My father was still awake, and he often goes outside for cigarette breaks.) Beforehand, I courteously left a note on my pillow telling my parents that I would be outside.
After I was outside, I just sat down in front of my garage and started cranking out a few words. A couple of times my cat, who was out for the night, would come meowing up to me, and I'd shoo her away. Either way, I was content.
After getting about 3/4 through one page, I had a better idea. A seed was planted in my mind, and my common sense vanished entirely. I decided I would go to the park a few blocks away from my house. I could climb up onto the highest part of the playset and just relax and write without a care.
I set out for the park after my father's cigarette break passed; the fact that he didn't look for me meant that he thought I was asleep. Despite this nighttime stealth, I didn't intend to be a delinquent. I even picked up a used Extra gum pack on the way there so that I could recycle it when I returned home.
I went up to the top of the playset and laid my stuff out. I started writing with my pocket-sized light shining on the paper. (It was very, very bright; keep this in mind.) Barely any cars were passing by down the street, although I did see one police cruiser. I'm a writer; I should've seen the foreshadowing.
I was pounding out dialogue when I saw another cop car glide down the street. This time, however, the police car stopped in front of the park. At this point I knew I would have to explain myself, and, although I was nervous, I didn't fear them. After all, I didn't break any laws; I was writing. So, I comically gathered my stuff and slid down the twisty slide.
I met the pair of officers in the middle of the lawn. One of them asks, "What are you doing here at 2 in the morning?"
I answered honestly: "I couldn't sleep so I wanted to find a nice quiet spot to write."
They burst my bubble. "All city parks close at 10. Come with us."
*Oh. Fuck.*
They directed me to the bumper of the car and start interrogating me. "What is your name? Age? Where do you live? Ever been in trouble before?" I answered all of these honestly. Then they asked if I was suicidal or possessed any drugs. I did not, but at the same time I was kicking myself. (Of course my shining light in the middle of a dark park was suspicious!)
The police aren't exactly trained to take people at their word. They asked me to place all of my stuff on the hood of the cruiser and then instructed me to interlock my hands above my head. The frisking went as well as I expected: incredibly uncomfortable. After that, they saw the truth. I was not suicidal or popping pills; I was just an idiot.
One of the officers then shuffled through my notebook, glancing through my freshly written dialogue. Now, I'm not exactly writing normal stuff. I am a big fan of writing fantasy fiction. The only problem was that the story was about two officers who were interrogating a man in an alleyway about his daughter's condition. Fantasy fiction isn't always as normal as regular fiction. So, naturally, the interrogators are investigating why this man's daughter was sexually assaulted with a slender squash.
So, I'm sitting awkwardly on the curb watching a police officer reading about a squash assault, wondering how my life got to this point.
It gets worse. They ask me to call my parents, and, at this point, I just want to go home regardless of the repercussions. So I dial the number and...nothing. It turned out that the rate plan expired perfectly in time for me to humiliate myself.
As a result, I got to take a ride in the uncomfortable backseat of the cruiser while pop music played on the radio as if acting as comic relief. When my parents were greeting with the officers, they weren't even mad at me. Their rationale was that I had learned my lesson. Of course, my explanation was met by my father saying, "Why didn't you just write on the patio."
I just don't know, dad.
TL;DR: Unintentional suspicious activity, and I don't even like squash.
tadair919: Is this the UK? If I am not mistaken, and not that cops have been obeying any laws lately, but here in the States they aren't allowed to read your notebook.
CactusOfShame: This was in California. Were they violating my privacy?
iamthedigitalcheese: Definitely a 4A violation. Your biggest mistake was complying and not asserting your rights. Just because the park is closed does not mean you were committing a crime. You basically let them go on a fishing expedition while violating your rights.
You should watch both parts of this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8z7NC5sgik
cheese2212: More like an A4 violation.
ParisianZee: The problem is there's two sides to this.
- You can cooperate fully and tolerate the privacy violation because you have nothing to hide. Things will tend to go smoothly like in OP's case. Just remain calm and polite, answer honestly - these guys have no reason to be pissed off at you, and things end there. Actually cops with whom you are honest and polite will, in the vast majority of cases, act exactly the same in return.
- Or you can assert your rights to their full extent. But that makes it seem like you do have something to hide after all. And then if you're unlucky things can get ugly. Best case scenario the cops will man-handle you a bit just because you're being an ass (in their eyes). But it'll end there. Worst case scenario, it's at night, in the middle of nowhere, it could potentially get ugly if you've found (or been found) (by) the wrong cop.
My conclusion is... if you've got nothing to hide, if it doesn't bother you showing the contents of the notebook... just show it. It's just *simpler*.
christofma: The problem with this is that if enough people take Option 1, the police will get more and more cocky. Enough people take Option 2, they'll have to get more and more careful. In the long run I'd rather have more people asserting their rights than just rolling over it's just better for society in general.
ParisianZee: This is true. Have my upvote.
| 8 | 20.875 | |
1406079615 | 1406131692 | t3_2bgct2 | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a joke.
A couple days ago I went to see a movie with a girl I've been in an on and off thing with but currently interested in and her friend. We have a relationship where it's very flirtatious and we often joke about hooking up. It went really well and I asked her to hangout tonight, maybe to see a movie at my house. She said yes and everything went perfectly up to tonight. She came over and having not been to my house, I showed her around. I forgot to mention a key detail; At the movie The Purge: Anarchy we were talking and because she didn't like popcorn I joked about killing her if we were in the purge. Key detail. So, we get to my room and she is looking around at my stuff, and asks me "is this bed where you bring all the ladies?". I laugh at her and shoot back. "Only the ones I'm going to kill."
Stupid. Fucking. Brain.
So I sort of was silent, and then got sucked into the silence that stays silent because of how weird it was, and then she says something about my dresser looking weird. We hangout and she left. I literally sat in bed and thought of 4 million better things to say than what I did. I'm hoping it's lost in time after
A couple weeks.
hijackedanorak: If it makes you feel better I would have laughed.
[deleted]: Me too!
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1406081208 | 1406081764 | t3_2bgfei | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost getting scammed!
I am 17, I had received the iPhone 5c as a graduation present, one day, I was taking a nap and my phone rang. When I answered, some random Indian dude tried to help me fix my computer and I was like wtf! I was so drowsy so I was like fine I just want him to stop calling me. He made me give him my computer code so he can show me what problems I had with my computer. I was getting suspicious because when I listened carefully, I can hear other voices in the background that sounded like a recording. I didn't think I could get scanners because it was a new phone! But I never had a phone prior. When he was scrolling on my computer I was like OH HELL NO. It was a very awkward phone call and he took me to a website to buy a plan to fix my computer, he told me to put my credit card info to buy it. Then luckily I had to go to store, my parents yelled for me to go and I hung up. I am still worried about my computer code however, I am not sure what to do yet. Two weeks later, my little brother tells me "hey bro I saw a documentary about Indian scammers"and as he explained to me the scam, my soul jumped out of my body. I then realized I probably fuked up. I haven't touched my computer in months I am not sure what to do.
positivecontent: Can confirm. Got phone call.
Nick_Bond: Wow! What happened to you
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406081713 | 1406086100 | t3_2bgg9h | t5_2to41 | 4 | Mick1292haha: TIFU by being a dick
Flexible_Perplexity: She forgave you, physical appearance remarks are low-blows. You're very lucky, every girl where I live would have gathered an army and made threats. She seems like a good person.
And not trying to sound almighty, but try not to judge people. Not only on their looks, but their personality as well. Their physical appearance is something they're stuck with, and they did not choose how they're going to look. Their personality, however, has a lot to do with influences, and changes daily. Try to see past the physical appearances, the bad personality, and look at the good they *do* have in them. Isn't that what you want people to see in you?
Mick1292haha: Thanks for the warm advice. What I did was petty, and I still feel awful for doing it. Considering the circumstances, I'm pretty lucky she took it well, she is indeed an awfully nice person^(^unlike ^me)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406087138 | 1406188746 | t3_2bgot8 | t5_2to41 | 40 | jdlyons81: TIFU by buying a deck of cards
This happened a few years ago but after browsing this sub for awhile, I thought someone might get a kick out of my fuck up.
So in the first 3-4 years right out of graduating high school (2000), I was a huge Dave Matthews fan, as was almost every other 20 something white guy I knew. Dave tickets aren't hard to come by, but good seats are. This particular show was going to be at the Amphitheater on the outskirts of town. Not exactly the boonies but, it's a ways out in a small town. This matters. We had lawn seats so we wanted to get there as early as possible to get a good spot. On the way out there, I realized I had forgotten to bring a deck of cards to kill some time with. This is pre-smartphones, kiddies. So I stop at Raj's mini market, a no brand gas station/convenience store to see if by chance they had a deck I could buy. I should mention that at the time, my girlfriend owned a red newer model camaro. Fun to drive but it sticks out like a sore thumb to cops, I'm sure. I parked on the side of the building, went inside, and couldn't find a deck. Asked the clerk if they carried any cards and he pulled out a deck from behind the counter. The only kind of playing cards they had and....they were Chippendale cards.
Awesome.
I figure my girlfriend will get a kick out of them and I know we're gonna have a few hours to kill so I decide fuck it, I'll buy em. Now mind you, this is the ONLY reason I stopped. We had gas, drinks, snacks, everything. We were set, aside from the cards. So I go outside and walk around the corner to find a good ol' boy cop writing me a ticket. Apparently I had parked in a handicap spot. Fuck! How is that possible? I look, and the handicap paint on the ground is barely visible and the actual sign is in front of the giant pickup truck in the spot NEXT to mine. Makes no sense! I protest but there's no budging, I'm getting a ticket and I know these are $250 minimum. So pissed. My girlfriend says sorry, she didn't have the keys to move the car. It's fine babe. Whatever. I try my best to keep it together but I'm just pissed, it's gonna ruin my whole night, I just know it.
So fast forward to us finally, after waiting in line for an hour before the gates opened, getting in the door. Now, I've been to soooo many live shows and I have never before, and to this day never again seen this. But apparently they are running a promotion in conjunction with Harrah's Lake Tahoe that night. That's right, as you enter the gates to the amphitheater grounds, there are no less than 8 fully dressed, feathers and all, Vegas style showgirls handing out from baskets, to each and every FUCKING person walking in......a goddam deck of cards.
You can't make this shit up. The look on my face when I accepted my "gift" must've been priceless. I couldn't believe it. WTF universe?!? To this day I just laugh about it because it's so ridiculous.
Drever21: At least you were decked out with playing cards at the time. I'll see my self out
sammymagz: Shit..how'd I end up on tumblr?
sammymagz: Nah..you guys are right..tumblr users don't regularly make jokes in pun form..my bad..that's totally not a tumblr thing.
| 4 | 10 | |
1406088918 | 1406124190 | t3_2bgrj9 | t5_2to41 | 87 | drama_llama03: TIFU by calling my gf ugly
I was on Skype with my girlfriend and we were talking. She was also showing me pictures of herself on her phone and I said that she looks very pretty in them. Some of them are with other girls so I said stuff like, "who's that pretty girl to the left". Now bare in mind that my gf has a low self esteem, so I try my very best to help her feel good about herself, emotionally and physically. So she got to this one picture that shows two girls, the one to the right is obviously her and the one to the left kind of looks like her but it is a view from the side of the face and is heavily edited so I believed it was another girl. I say, trying to be funny, "who is that ugly girl to the left".........nonono... instantly I saw the world crashing down before me. She took her phone and looked at the picture and I could see that I basically just bitch slapped her heart. She then said, "both girls are me", you done fucked up drama_llama03. After that she surfed the web and refused my wanting to talk it over and said theres nothing much to talk over, though I do not blame her. Then around ten minutes ago she said she has to go and hung up, though I am trying my best to work it out over text. Fak.
steezyvape: In the future, for general safety, if you can't 100% identify the person in the photo, refrain from using words like "pretty" "hot" or "ugly" etc. You never know if it's gonna turn out to be like.. Idk, their sister or mother or best friend, or in your case, your GF. haha.
Good luck.
drama_llama03: thanks! though the thing is that I normally always say something, so if I don't, she'll know something is up.
steezyvape: You could always just be like "Who is that?" Inevitably she will follow up with something like "is she pretty?" and then you answer "Not as pretty as you"
Source: I've been married for a few years now. lol.
Big_D_Man: As my wife would say " Well trained."
| 5 | 17.4 | |
1406073678 | 1406198643 | t3_2bg2ta | t5_2to41 | 15 | RMSOrion: TIFU by almost killing a little kid on a bike
Okay so maybe it's not a complete fuckup but it was within a heartbeat of a life-ruining one.
I work as a powder coater in a converted car shop with 5 big garage doors on each side of a building. Every morning we pull our F250 out of the garage so we can put wheels where it is and move them later. So at the end of the day, one of us has to pull it in.
This truck is pretty old, so the gears don't exactly slot in every time. Well, I go out to where it's parked and get in and slot in into what I think is reverse.
I end up gunning it kind of hard since I'm not used to driving it and it just revs up, obviously in neutral. Instinctively, I look behind me only to see a fucking little kid with an afro on a bike had just passed. If this goddamn truck worked like it should I would have just splattered a kid all over the pavement, since you couldn't even see him because of the tailgate. He didn't even look back or anything, just kept on riding like he didn't have a care in the world.
Shook me up a bit.
tl;dr Truck didn't slot into reverse but if it had I would have rekt a kid.
shadyultima: OK wait. Where were you parked again? Because it sounds like the kid is a bit of an idiot for riding his bike behind a running truck that is in front of a garage door. I'm glad you didn't hurt anyone, but Wtf was he thinking??
RMSOrion: Yep. About 15 feet of concrete between the truck and the garage. Like I said, the people in this town are the worst.
| 3 | 5 | |
1406089656 | 1406118480 | t3_2bgsl3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by avoiding my roommate.
birdcage102: no offence dude, i live in australia and things are different in here, but if you can't afford to insure and register your car - you can't afford to drive.
hopper325: No, driving in Australia, should be based on how well you drive, not on if you can afford to drive. I have seem some real shit stains on wheels during my time driving and I haven't even got off my p's yet.
Had a guy pull out of a give way and drive into the side of my car. Apparently driving for 50 years and just didn't "see" me. I have no idea how you can't see a Ford Falcon going less than 20 km/h in front of your car.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1406068453 | 1406122591 | t3_2bftqy | t5_2to41 | 62 | kalitarios: TIFU by hitting Reply to All after someone else's corporate wide Reply to All had died down, achieving email Inception Level 3
Today we got a company wide memo sent to every distribution group about a corporate event.
Unbeknownst to me, while I was in a two hour in-person meeting, someone had mistakenly hit reply to all with the response: "/sigh"
When I got back to my desk, and unlocked the workstation... Outlook had downloaded the message, along with an attempt to recall said message. I'm not sure why it didn't simply recall, but that set me up for an inevitable screw-up.
In the message preview pane, I had seen my department's distribution group in the "To" field and without thinking IFU when I hit 'Reply All' myself... with "Have you seen my stapler?" not realizing what was about to transpire.
Apparently, during the two hour meeting, complete pandemonium had ensued, with people demanding to know "Who is this?" and "Take me off your list" - that swirled around the good old exchange toilet bowl before the Exchange team had to go in and manually delete the threads being generated due to the traffic hit.
There are over 30,000 employees globally in our company. When I had replied to all with my snarky comment, some of the responses were whimsical. There were people denying seen the stapler. People asking what the stapler looked like and where it was used last. Someone uploaded a picture of the stapler. Then the swearing started, and accusations started flying. Next was people threatening to report email abuse, and the veritable shitstorm had begun to rear its ugly head again. People were trying to type in progressively larger font to each other, trying to inform everyone else to "STOP REPLYING TO ALL" while replying to all... It was complete email bedlam. Like Last X-Box in Walmart on a black Friday/Vancouver after losing the Stanley Cup mayhem.
My desk phone had immediately blown up, all 4 lines were busy for a good 15 minutes ringing... Exchange informed me my voice mail was full after the first 15 minutes. My mobile phone was ringing non stop with text messages pouring in. Most of them from team members with messages like "LOL GJ"
Eventually Exchange went offline, and Outlook reverted to an Offline Mode for the greater part of 2 hours... I presume while the emails were being purged and rules being corrected. Someone loudly yelled "What the FUCK!" in the big conference room and slammed the phone on the table... followed by a crash and a door slamming... I can only presume out of frustration because they were trying to share something through Live Meeting. The last OCS message I got before it went offline was from my boss: "Not good..."
I got called into HR and received a written warning for causing a disruption of services at work. This was later removed from my employee record because the Security Team pointed out that the error should have been corrected the first time around, when the Exchange guys realized that anyone could have replied or sent to every DG in the company, which they acknowledged. I lucked out in the end, but for a good few hours I was being yelled at by every manager within earshot, by email or who could manage to leave me a voice message before.
The guy who originally replied "/sigh" is no longer in our GAL...
dog_mask: Dude. Nobody could just let it go? I mean, was it really necessary for them to respond and complain and all that mess? I have to admit, I started laughing when I read your reply. Too bad so many of your coworkers didn't get the joke.
CuauhtliTlantli: Have you had an office job before? Shit like this is par for the course.
kalitarios: Sadly, I've seen worse.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1406090604 | 1406093042 | t3_2bgty4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Jused: TIFU by letting my girlfriend drive my uncle's car
So, yesterday evening around 6pm I went to my cousins place to drink with my friends. My cousin asked my if I could go and by some beer and other drinks from the store. I had nothing against it and borrowed her uncle's car (It's only a 5 min drive or so). Everything went fine until we were about 200m away from my cousin's place. My girlfriend asked if she could drive that tiny bit (Mind you, I never let anyone drive my own nor someone elses car, just to be safe). So I let her drive and instantly she loses control of the car because it didn't have TCS. She comes to a sharp turn a bit too fast (I had warned her about it) and loses all control and hit a tree (We were lucky though, there were some big rocks and such that we could have hit but instead we hit this group of small trees). There was no major damage, just the front bumper smashed and some other tiny things. The police came and we talked it through and all I got was a notice and I'm required to pay any costs that come (I told the police that I drove the car, because I get a tiny penalty compared to what she would get).
**TL;DR** Let my girlfriend drive my uncle's car and she crashes it.
Justvotingupordown: How drunk was she?
Jused: Neither of us were drunk.
Justvotingupordown: She crashed a car with 200 meters to go, right? By your post history she's 18, so she should have a few years of driving under her belt. She was drinking, I'm guessing she was at least a little buzzed...crash.
Also: You *never* let anybody drive another person's car, but you...did. Why? Because you were tipsy too, I'm betting.
Jused: You need to be 18 to get a license in my country and neither of us were drunk. We went to the store to buy drinks.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1406089877 | 1406138730 | t3_2bgsvp | t5_2to41 | 3 | Whisperer85: TIFU by telling to much about my real self in a sex chat...
MennyC123: You should have brought it up and asserted your dominance by rubbing your dick on her
Whisperer85: Never found out who it was, pretty sure it wasn't even a 'she'....
| 3 | 1 | |
1406093519 | 1406096244 | t3_2bgxx5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Sandshark223: Tifu by cooking an egg
Uitz: Youtube is all you need bro, scrambled eggs never tasted so good.
Sandshark223: Well yeah, but this thing came out blackened when mom heated chicken. But I could say i created a new horror movie monster (the monster from shit lake?) so I've got that going for me, which is nice.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406093617 | 1406101692 | t3_2bgy1q | t5_2to41 | 11 | uncomf0rtable: TIFU by trying to get rid of my pilonidal cyst. (ass boil)
leamshi: So that's how they make Papa John's garlic dipping sauce!
theflacidsnake: http://i.imgur.com/WlecVPf.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/WealthyGloomyDrake](http://gfycat.com/WealthyGloomyDrake)
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^(GIF size: 1.83 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:313.69 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406094131 | 1406096234 | t3_2bgyo5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | BeingJustGoodEnough: TIFU by hitting on a 17 year old
Jayfire137: doesnt sound to much like a fuck up, esp if shes close to 18 its not that big of a deal...sounds like shes not really interested anyways if she said your to old for her ...so ya...now if u did some sexy time stuff then ya it could be a tifu...depending on where u live and what not
BeingJustGoodEnough: Thanks. I haven't done anything with her and didn't really plan on it which is good cuz she's not very close to 18.
She has kept talking to me so I don't think she's that creeped out and is willing to ignore it. Just worried how creepy I'd sound to other people if she told anyone
Jayfire137: mmm your probaly fine..its only creepy if you make it creepy...my mom and dad ( both real and steps ) are all 5 years apart ( both dad and step dad are 5 years older then mom and step mom) ..so it really doesnt matter in the long run
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406095160 | 1406096259 | t3_2bgzwh | t5_2to41 | 19 | Skeithph1: TIFU by telling my coworker about my car accident.
For a little back story. 3 months ago I came into a new, decently paying job, centered around my college degree. Due to it being slow during the summer I was only hired part time until the work picked back up this coming fall. Among the staff is another part time worker who would alternate working days with me. She herself used to be full time until she got another job. So I would rarely, if at all, see her. In the past 3 months I've only seen her 8-9 times.
Before I continue, Im sure you're asking "Wait, so your car accident wasn't a TIFU?". I guess, but a TIFU for another day. The accident itself wasn't horrible, but it was my first, and has left a few mental scars. No deaths. Just 2 totaled cars, 1 injured man(broken arm), and myself left with a bruise. If anything I would call the accident over-dramatic for what little damage it caused outside of the cars themselves. Financially it was stressful since it set me back half a year, as well as the fear of a lawsuit. If I told anyone passing by that day, they would likely remember it if given the day and town.
Today, two coworkers were out. One sick and one on a long weekend vacation. We knew one would be out before hand, so I came in to get some extra hours in. Turns out that they called it the other part time worker, who I will call "C" for short, to cover the other shift. The day goes smoothly. C caught up with everyone else,and payed little attention to me unless I had a question. More work came in than expected, so we both stayed later to finish some of it.
Since it was just us by the end of the day, C starts asking me about my life. Simple, shallow, new coworker questions since we never got the chance before to chat this long. Nothing harmless at first was asked. Until she asked why I don't have my own car to get to work. I tell her I had a car accident. She asked what happened if it was bad enough I dont have a car. Shit then hits the fan as the few descriptions of the car accident I give her are enough for her to question it more intensely. I thought nothing of it at first and let her know when it happened and where. C asked if the man whose car it hit matched her description. Which it did. I asked if she drove by it that day or stopped to help since she seems to know so much about it.
Nope, worse.
Turns out the guy who I hit months before was the husband of her close friend/coworker at her other job. She heard all about it when it happened. The tone of her voice changed from open and quizzical to accusing and condescending. We lingered on the topic for far longer than comfortable. She went on about his arm injury, how lucky I am i didn't hit him or kill him,the damage, the stress it caused her friend to hear the news, and more. No yelling, just a tense tone. The kind of tone in a voice your mother talks to you in when your in trouble. I knew from then on she would view me as the bad guy despite anything I do or say. Luckily I had to leave right after we had more awkward exchanges. Just when I thought I was over the anxiety the accident, it got brought right back up for those moments and now I cant get it out of my mind, while worrying what will happen the next time we work together.
Edit: Spelling
Nevare88: I wouldn't worry too much. 'C' was probably just venting due to the shock at such a coincidence and having bottled it up for so long. I'd tell her (if she asks) and anyone else that asks that you consider that incident in the past and want to move on.
Skeithph1: Yeah. I think a lot of the worry to was from knowing she is going to tell her friend about this coincidence relay a message or more anger from the couple.
Nevare88: Timeys a great healer and they'll have time to settle down. It's always important to remember that in the heat if the moment you'd say something that you'd never dream of saying a few days layer and perhaps it's a good thing that she got and anger off her chest earlier on to you rather than venting later to others.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1406096459 | 1406113602 | t3_2bh1fa | t5_2to41 | 23 | idekcufup: TIFU by getting arrested while crossdressing
This was actually a few years ago, yada yada.
Note: I like to wear dresses. They're breezy, let your balls air out, only one piece so no worries about matching, easy to pee, etc. I'm not gay. Just fashionable.
I was 20, living in my first apartment with my girlfriend in our small college town. It's the middle of summer and my girlfriend convinces me to leave the house in a dress. I have a few, but I'd never stepped foot outside in one because I was embarrassed and also worried I'd get killed (Bible belt).
She eventually gets me to drive around just to ease into being outside in a dress. I'm wearing a short twirly summer dress and feeling very nice, windows down and everything. Right when my confidence peaks, I see the lights in my mirror.
Turns out I went the wrong way on a one-way street without realizing it. Also turns out I have a ticket from when I was 16 that I never paid, and now I have a warrant out. The cop asks me to get out of the car so he can take me in, and I basically beg him not to do this and explain that I'm wearing a dress. Of course he looks at me like I just hit on him and says to get out of the car. I'm shaking and pretty worried that he might actually kill me.
Eventually I'm sitting in the back of his car trying to get the stupid dress down to my knees while handcuffed. No easy task. He drives me to the station, parades me through the hall as everyone there stares, and sticks me in a cell with a homeless guy. My girlfriend had to come and pay the bail after she walked to my car to pick it up.
Tl;dr pay your goddamn speeding tickets, kids.
Kazaen: Did the homeless man at least compliment your dress like a gentleman?
Lehk: Nah, just got right down to business with the buttsecks
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1406091258 | 1406163832 | t3_2bguvk | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to the park.
I was woken up this morning by a call from my ex. She asked me to meet her at a park so we could talk about her current relationship problems...
I decide to go cause I feel like I owe her something for being together for nine months prior.
6:30 am. I get there and she is in tears telling me her boyfriend doesn't understand why she does what she does. (Which is drink and get angry, or drink and try to hook up with someone.)
I'm just there telling her things will be ok and basically saying shit happens. She is starting to calm down when she says "I'm tiered let's go lay down in your car and sleep for a bit"
By this time my brain has been screaming mind over matter motherfucker! I can help without any funny business.
Before you know it we are dry humping. (I know. Sexual fantasy..) We leave without having even kissed each other this whole time.
11 am. I got work.
3 pm. She goes to my work insisting on talking about her boyfriend troubles.
11 pm. She is calling me asking to hang out at the bar.
11:30 pm. She is telling me she is too fucked up to drive. Come pick me up.
Pandora's box has been opened. Time to shut this shit down.
TIFU by going to the park this morning.
[deleted]: She is obviously in a vulnerable place...stop leading her on. It is unfair what you are doing to her and it is obvious that she still has feelings for you. The reason she talks to you about her boyfriend problems is that she still wants you in her life and asks for you when she is upset because she needs you. Asking you for a ride is because she wants something to happen again. If I was you OP I would take her aside and say in a very nice and gentlemanly way that you valued what you both had in the past and that you think that she is a wonderful person but being together is not right for the both of you. Explain to her that it is not her fault (even if it was) it is just what YOU need. That what happened earlier was just a sexual urge that it was wrong but it meant nothing. Give the poor woman some closure. Try to help her out and just stay out of her life. Let her move on.
[deleted]: Right, lets absolve her of any responsibility for herself.
... are you a feminist or something?
[deleted]: no I actually hate feminists.
[deleted]: I am just seeing it from a female perspective because I was on the hook with someone for a while and it sounded like a similar situation. But what Kekobear responded saying that she wants her boyfriend and just wanted to see how far she could get with him I realized that my initial perspective of the situation was different from how it actually was. I also said I had a similar situation and I know how he feels because one of my ex boyfriends did a similar thing when we tried to be friends. But trust me I am not a feminist at all. I am the opposite. I believe that woman need to take responsibility for their actions and that they play the victim way too often. I am the type of woman that treats my boyfriend with just as much love, romance, respect and appreciation as he does with me instead of expecting him to just bow down to me and I never blame any sort of issues solely on him. A relationship is built not only on love and trust but on mutual responsibility when it comes to any sort of argument. I don't think that woman should sit there and blame their issues on the man. But like I said I just saw it from a woman's perspective based on my past experiences. Not in a feminist way.
[deleted]: Yea i hear that. Makes sense
| 6 | 3 | |
1406088253 | 1406119400 | t3_2bgqku | t5_2to41 | 67 | harryconnick: TIFU by yelling "FUCK" in front of a group of my future students
So I know its summer time, but I still teach music lessons at the school where I work for some extra cash. Today, one of my students called to cancel on me. I had another student after them so I decided to just wait it out at the school. Having roughly an hour to kill, I sat at my desk and started listening to Pandora through my computer as I sifted through a few of the emails I still received over the break. It was past business hours and everyone had left for the day (even janitorial staff) so I figured what the hell...TURN DAT SHIT UP! So I plug in an amplifier to my computer and start blasting my tunes. Clearly summer boredom had taken its hold on me, and I start to get in touch with my inner Aretha Franklin. The song "Rockin' the Suburbs" by Ben Folds comes on next. If you know the song then you know there is a section where he yells FUUUUUUCCCK!!!! in a really wimpy, yet angry white boy manner.
Here's a reference if you're unfamiliar with the song:
http://youtu.be/t9uZpbkpESs?t=3m10s
Anyway, I obviously yelled this at the top of my lungs all while failing to realizing that tonight was tour night for any 5th graders and their parents who wanted to check out our middle school before sending their child here. So yea, I looked up and saw about 20 children and their parents, mouths open, looking at me with disgust. The worst part was that my new principal (new to the school this year) was leading the tour, and all I could think to say was a really quick, "Oops, sorry!" Looks like I'll be in the market for a new job. I can still feel the awkwardness.
K9254579: I love you. I thought I was the only guy who liked and knew that song. It's good to know others also share my taste in music.
jubba: you really thought you were the only one who liked and knew that song? are you from the moon, where albums don't get released?
K9254579: I did m8.;(
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1406100862 | 1406126165 | t3_2bh5zm | t5_2to41 | 864 | whangadude: TIFU by mishearing Birthday Cake as Bukake. (NSFW)
This happened a couple of days ago at work. We work at a factory with lots of noise and have to wear hearing protection so its hard to understand what people are saying sometimes.
Well these two girls were talking about an 18th birthday party one of them is having soon. Then I thought I heard one say something about having bukake, and I was like "what did you say?!"
they looked a little surprised and said, "the birthday cake for the party, why what did you think I said?"
At that point I laughed "oh, of course lol, I thought you said bukake."
They looked quite confused and the other girl asked what bukake was, I suddenly realized this was not the kinda thing to have mentioned to two 17 year old girls and tried to brush it off, but this just got them more and more curious, "what is it, why don't you want us to know?" etc. I try to tell them that they really don't want to know, their lives would be better without knowing but of course this backfires more and I'm blushing more and more.
One girl whips out her phone and starts to try to Google it. Then they both look at me and just start laughing when they read what it means and look at some pics of it and are a bit grossed out. I'm thinking "well this isn't too bad, they think I'm a bit of a perv but that's ok."
But then, suddenly a shift supervisor who I have never really got on with walks up and asks why we are all looking at a phone when we should be working. He sees the pics they have found and just explodes "what the fuck are you three doing looking at porn at work?" One of them point at me saying something about me talking about bukake. He just looks me straight in the eyes "why are you telling these young girls to look at such disgusting vile things, I always thought you were a little perverted creep. Go home right now, your shift is over. Tomorrow we'll have a little meeting with Human Resources about all this." The girls and I tried to explain what had happened but he would have none of it.
Thankfully by the next day HR had already been told how it was a misunderstanding and not really my fault by one of the girls. I explained my view and it was all ok. Except now the shift supervisor doesn't speak to me and looks at me like I'm the worse kinda human being there is. Also a few of the other people have been talking about me behind my back about it all.
Moral of the story; don't mention porn genres to people at work, just don't!
ImTrollin_TheyHatin: another missed opportunity......
808metz: Missed opportunity? These little sluts are about to be 18 son.
whangadude: Well here in NZ age of consent is 16, so yeah, they good to go ;)
i_amnotacanadian: Brb, buying ticket to NZ.
Edit. Typo
NickB333: You know that it's 16 in a lot of the U.S., right?
JuleTS: 15 in canada
CarlosIHernandez: Brb modifying flight
Tylertheintern: World tour
Wiiplay123: It's 0 in international waters.
Werowl: even younger
| 11 | 78.545455 | |
1406102546 | 1406144358 | t3_2bh7l7 | t5_2to41 | 446 | trophytacos: TIFU by sleeping with my girlfriend's fifteen year old sister.
I grew up in California and my family moved to the east coast the summer right before I entered college (which is also in the east coast). I met my girlfriend freshman year in the dorms. She was the only one from California and she had even just moved to my hometown (from within California) right before college so we really bonded over being the only two Californians in the hall. We have been dating for three and half years now and a lot of times during short holidays, she would come stay with me and my family instead of flying back to California.
We graduated this year and since neither of us secured a job, she moved back with her parents and we've kept a long distance relationship. I've been applying to jobs in her area (my hometown) and the area I'm living at (where my parents moved to) and about a week ago, I got a call back from a company in California to come in for an interview. I was pretty happy for this opportunity because that meant I could go see my girlfriend and so I flew to California and my girlfriend picked me up at the airport. I was staying with her at her parent's place and as she was driving, I wasn't paying attention to where we were driving to since I was too busy reminiscing about the familiar places and street names that she drove by until she stopped at her house.
I shit you not it was my old house.
I didn't recognize it right away since my parents remodeled the exterior before selling it and a lot of houses in the neighborhood had also been remodeled since then. But when I went inside began exploring, I started getting dejavu until I asked my girlfriend "What street do you live on?" She replied with my old street name and I don't know why I did not say anything to her about it but I continued to keep it to myself. Her room was the smallest in the house in which use to be a guest room when I lived there (I'm guessing it's because they moved in as she left for college so she had to take the smallest room when she moved in) and her 15 year old sister had my old room.
This is the part where I fucked up, in the middle of the night I had to take a leak and since the bathroom is not connected to the guest room, I had to walk down the hall way. I stumbled back in my half-asleep state and when I was back in the room, I used my hands to feel my way around the room because I wasn't familiar with the furniture. When I felt where the covers were next to the back of my girlfriend's head, I crawled in and went to sleep spooning her.
The problem is that it was the wrong room.
I had subconsciously walked back to my old room which is now her 15 year old sister's room. I woke up this morning to her sister screaming in my ears, and her parents rushing into the room. I tried explaining to them and apologized to her sister but my girlfriend it still pissed off at me and her parents kicked me out of the house.
Now I'm staying at a motel and my flight leaves tomorrow. I know if I don't fix this before I go it will be over but I don't know what to do.
**TL;DR** - Girlfriend's parents moved into my old house, I stumbled into my old room which is her 15 year old sister's now in the middle of the night and slept with her.
**Update**: Girlfriend called me to come over to talk with her and her family before my flight. Apparently her parents didn't know I grew up there and thought I was lying through my teeth when I told them yesterday. I showed some pictures of me around the neighborhood plus some high school photos as proof. They are less pissed now, her dad even gave me a pat on the back. Her sister has been gossiping with her friends and now thinks it was totally cool she slept in the same bed with a dude. Girlfriend still hurt so I cancelled my flight to spend some time with her, she's suggesting we both stay at the motel tonight instead of sleeping in her house.
**Also...I really don't care if you think this is fake. It's my life and it's real to me. I'm just happy things are turning out fine.**
analest-analyst: Sounds like total bullshit
Even if it isn't, sounds like it.
JoeyJoeC: Chances are very remote this is true. Not saying it isn't true
Why wouldn't you mention that it is your old house.
GKH: Just seems impossible to believe he didn't recognize the street or houses around his old house immediately, considering he only moved away 3 years prior.
TheFecalJesus: [OP](http://www.brandstoke.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/iStock_000004312564XSmall1.jpg)
bashfulcity: This is the most accurate explanation to this whole story..
| 6 | 74.333333 | |
1406091658 | 1406170383 | t3_2bgvfi | t5_2to41 | 135 | JuFu: TIFU by taking a shower
So today I decided to take a shower before going out into the world. You know, out of respect for society. My typical shower routine consists of me washing my face then putting the 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner into my hair and leaving it while I wash my body. Apparently, today I used too much soap.
Now this is where I fucked up.
Due to all of the soap suds I guess I had been holding my breath to avoid breathing any in. I must not have realized it because I suddenly NEEDED to take a very deep breath. Upon doing so I inhaled a bunch of soap both into my mouth and nose. As I tried to rinse this awfulness out I started to sneeze quite viciously. More soap and water got into my eyes and I hadn't realized I had moved closer to the shower wall when I finally sneezed so hard that I smashed my face into the wall.
At this point I gave up on life and sat down in the shower until the soap was gone and sneezing had stopped.
Tl;dr - Showers are hard, don't forget to breathe during them.
ShowStoppa718: "At this point I gave up on life"
Suds consume you!!
[deleted]: You know. I can make a porno based on this.
JuFu: Don't say something like that and not deliver.
lord_blex: I like how you actually waited 9 hours just in case he does deliver.
JuFu: Well yeah, I was just hoping for something more and thought that would be polite. Like, when does the porno start? Is it when I get into the shower at the beginning of the story? Is it when I gave up on life? I had a whole day to ponder this.
| 6 | 22.5 | |
1406103355 | 1406106978 | t3_2bh8ct | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by finding my older brother's old porn folder
So today, as I was browsing through my computer, looking for an Audacity file I just exported, I went into my second hard drive by mistake, and decided to stick around for a bit, as I hadn't explored it previously. See, my older brother owned this computer before me, and I bought it from him when he got a new HP.
Deep, hidden in the ghastly crevasses of the downloads folder, was a folder labelled "_3" and the preview images sticking out of the folder caught my eye. I opened up the folder only to drop my jaw.
What I saw was roughly 8 gigabites of hentai. It took me a good minute to scroll through to the bottom, and when I go there, there were more folders. Among them, an interactive game called "Super Deep Throat" Complete with the skins of hundreds of different characters the mod onto the deepthroater. A few videos, and two specific folders, labelled "Naruto Hentai" and "Pokemon Hentai"
The total amount of images in the folders was about how many were loose among the "_3" Folder. I compressed them all to send to my friend, because he wanted to see them, and there was a total of 3279 files. WHO NEEDS THAT MUCH FUCKING HENTAI?
Anyway, we are, right now, organizing all the hentai, as it lie in the folder, strewn about in no particular order. When we're done, I will upload it ALL to /r/Hentai for all the nice folks there to see.
(I'm not gonna lie, most of it was pretty good)
808metz: I'm not even remotely into hentai and this shit has me curious.
[deleted]: As the one doing the organizing as OP finds more to fucking ADD to it when it's done, let me tell you; even if you loved hentai, the sheer amount of it would kill it for you. I'm kinda dead inside right now.
808metz: Im trying to imagine what that much hentai looks like.
[deleted]: You ever see a massive ant hill as a kid? One that was so big that you were afraid to even go near it? Imagine ALL THOSE ANTS, but lined up in row after row and.....fucking.
808metz: I'm just wondering, Is there a general sort of category or sort of demographic who you could describe as hentai fans?
Just curious. I'm a lot like DonJon. I like my porn. you know the real stuff so when I think hentai I'm like.. Man this is for the gamers or some shit
[deleted]: In relation to this hentai...it's all of it. There is not one fandom, genre, THING that is left untainted with a sticky goo of corruption. In general, hentai fans strike me as anyone who browses the internet long enough, really.
808metz: That's just bizarre man. Honestly.
| 8 | 4.625 | |
1406104709 | 1407215739 | t3_2bh9jf | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by using the same username here and on Twitter
I frequent /r/prettygirls to appreciate female redditors and nice little creatures of the opposite sex and the only thing I can say to appreciate them are things like “You’re so pretty” or “I love you,” but not in such a manner that I’m already obsessed or that I start to have deep feeling for them. I also can’t give gold ‘cause I have none.
I dunno. I just made the mistake of not being creative enough to differ my username here to that of in Twitter (don’t worry, I’m using another account).
My girlfriend’s over-zealous friends apparently were tuned in to every tweet exchange we had, as if keeping a close eye on me so as to protect their beloved friend. Can’t blame them though. They even told her that my shit better be good so that no skeletons in the closet would appear upon their initial “stalking”.
But boy were they able to locate my reddit and see my comments on the said subreddit above. They have also put emphasis on one my exchanges with a girl about a certain topic in one of the subreddits I am subscribed to. Perhaps none of her friends have an account here, but TIL you can Google a /u/ and see all their shit here in reddit. They’ve even copied and pasted the evidence in a Word Document, along with links to the thread for her reference.
My girlfriend and I are not seeing each other frequently. Our meetings would often range from 1 to 2 occasions max. Not that we are under any problem, but we make sure we keep in touch through text. It’s just that, due to work, we barely see each other and squeeze time to meet up.
It feels unfair to be judged just by that, not to mention the posts she follows on Tumblr (naked and skimpy-clad men and women). Fucking unfair, man. Ever since, outside opinions play a lot on her psyche, especially those that were from way back in college. Until now, when these are brought up, these still make her extremely insecure. She’d easily subscribe to gossips and rumors about my past, because I was pretty “infamous” back then for some of the shit I’ve done, but nothing biggie.
She talked to me through e-mail today, telling me she found out about my reddit and cited some of the comments I have written as flirtatious.
MRW I received the e-mail: [Houston we got a problem](http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/kAmsi05P9Uw/maxresdefault.jpg)
I guess I went full retard.
**TL;DR**: TIFU by using the name username here and in Twitter, GF found out about some of my improper comments and hurt her very much.
**EDIT**: Second part might be posted in /r/offmychest, too.
*(This is a different account.)*
[deleted]: This is why I make no effort to find my SO's reddit. He can do whatever he wants on here as long as it doesn't translate to RL or affect our relationship/sexy time.
[deleted]: That's what I was trying to explain to her! What are odds that I'd pursue someone from across the globe, someone whose name I don't even know. I tried telling her, that there's a HUGE difference between the ILY that I say to her to those that I say when appreciating the pretty redditors in /r/prettygirls and /r/shorthairedhotties. All to no fucking avail.
The drawbacks of having an SO who isn't immersed in internet culture. It's really hard to make her understand. Fuck this shit.
[deleted]: I mean there's a fine line, to me and my SO, for when it's just flirting and having fun online and for when it's cheating. As long as we're the ones we're having sex with, as long as nothing is interfering with us wanting to have sex with each other, as long as we don't actually know the people we talk to / send pictures to / flirt with in real life... we've both decided it's no biggie. Nothing more than a libido / ego boost for when either of us comes home to each other.
Mostly your problem is girls are dumb, I'm a girl and I'll admit that. We're all dumb.
[deleted]: Said this pretty well. Thank god for reasonable wimmenz.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1406105566 | 1406119848 | t3_2bha76 | t5_2to41 | 6 | stoneeus: TIFU by unsticking myself
This happened about a year ago when I was in Bali with the wifey. So anytime we go to a tropical island a definite activity will be to get a massage and this was no exception. A friend recommended a spa that offered great ambience, a range of spa treatments etc and so the missus decides that we should go for a yoghurt cucumber wrap spa thingy and being the good husband I go along even though it sounds more like a healthy breakfast dish than a massage. Whatever, couple bonding time.
So we go into the room and the spa assistants ask us to change into the disposable underwear and robe. Now these disposable underwear are the thin black mesh ones that seem to be about 1mm thick and have the tensile strength of a sheet of wet tissue paper. They would be my downfall.
They oil up our bodies and then proceed to run the yoghurt mask into our bodies, starting with our backs (so I'm lying on my front). As it was, the underwear was tight and lying on my front things were getting squashed uncomfortably. So when they asked me to turn over I took the opportunity to readjust my equipment and get it back into a comfortable place and that when I hear a faint *schripp*, the fabric shift a bit too much than it should and fresh cold air blow against the skin of my manhood. Awwwww fuck, I've torn a hole in my underwear.
The thing is, it's more awkward when you're lying there with the spa assistant rubbing cultured dairy vegetable mix on you with a hole in your undies than if you were just plain naked. I didn't say a word, the assistant didn't say a thing. When the spa assistants left the room momentarily I sat up looked down and true enough I had ripped the fabric all the way to the right save for two strands of cotton criss crossing my dick and balls. My wife and I had a good laugh about it but safe to say that was an uncomfortable hour to go through.
Tldr: went for a spa treatment and ripped a hole in my disposable underwear while unsticking my balls. Had to lie there for an hour while masseuse rubbed yogurt on me and my exposed junk.
RedditUserNumberOne: Why didn't they cover your privates with a towel and continue on?
foofie99: Unbeknownst to his wife, he paid for the "happy ending."
| 3 | 2 | |
1406108841 | 1406154194 | t3_2bhd4j | t5_2to41 | 3,132 | ecto_fart: TIFU by farting and making a little girl cry
Very recently, I was travelling in Wales with my girlfriend, her sister and her sister's 2 young daughters, aged 10 and 6. We were driving around on a very hot day, in a stuffy, cramped car. I was sitting in the back, next to the 6 year old in the middle, and the 10 year old on the other side, while my girlfriend was in the front passenger side, and her sister was driving.
We were about an hour into the drive and I was feeling a bit unwell. My stomach was churning and I was feeling light headed. Also the music on in the car was a Disney CD, on repeat. It was like one of Dante's circles of hell. My gf's nieces were squealing with delight at the horrendous music being played on repeat, and I was losing the will to live. Also I couldn't put the windows down, as these brats kept complaining that they were too cold, so the car was unbearably hot.
I became aware of the strong urge to fart, but because of the close quarters in the stuffy car, I didn't want everyone choking on my personal bum brew. So I held it in as long as I could, also I wasn't sure just how safe it would be.
After a while this became unbearable. I waited to see if we were going to stop soon, but it didn't look like it, so I had no choice but to let it out as discretely as I could. So I leaned forward a little bit, and I felt the warm gush of air silently bubbling out of me. It lasted for almost a full minute, my gf's sister picked up on it while it was still in progress.
It smelt terrible. It was even viler than I thought it would be, you could taste the richness of it on your tongue, you could feel it overwhelming your palate. My gf's sister asked, 'who was that?' There was no answer. Both girls in the back were silent. Because it was lingering so long, she assumed it was more than a fart. 'Did either of you have an accident?' Both girls denied it, until the 6 year old suddently burst into tears.
This was like an admission, so the car was abruptly pulled over at the next rest station, which was thankfully close, and both girls were dragged out to use the toilet, even the 10 year old, who was silent all that time. They were dragged to the toilet to get their pants checked. I said I needed to pee so I jumped out too, headed for the gents, peed and checked my pants too (they were thankfully clean). When I returned, we waited for another 15 minutes before my gf's sister and the girls returned, the 6 year old still crying, with reports of clean pants.
Why she was crying I don't know, as we continued the drive, she was still sniffling. We got to our destination half an hour later, driving in silence, no music, no talking, with the windows down. It was bliss. I talked to my girlfriend later on about the crying and she explained how she had an accident in school recently, and she kept denying it, she sat in class with smelly underwear and denied it constantly, even when the teacher discovered what she had done. She must have been crying because it reminded her of the telling off she got for lying about it last time.
TL;DR I farted in a car with my niece, she got blamed for pooping herself.
MilesG102: Don't really see what else you could have done. Nobody wants to own up to a minute long fart in a stuffy car, full of your girlfriends family.
sYnce: how about ask them to stop and say you need to pee pretty badly? As a guy you could just walk over to a tree fart in peace and go back as if nothing has happened beside peeing on a tree
CoLTe: Yeah thats how a grown up would have done it but this is reddit and the dude was probably 17-19
directorguy: age 19 or younger would fart and silently hope no one notices
age 19-29 would ask to pee, then fart next to a tree
age 29-39 would ask to get out to fart
age 39+ would fart in the car, then brag about farting
beerandmastiffs: Of course there's the type that cuts across all these age ranges and will fart in an enclosed space then try to hold in their uncontrollable laughter.
corobo: Checking in at 26
Keswik: 29 here, also guilty
DJ-Douche-Master: 24 checking in
wimwood: Daughter, aged 10. Has done this since she was like 3. Still thinks it's the best thing ever.
fr33b0i: 17 here.
DrDengue: 33 and still funny.
| 12 | 261 | |
1406107245 | 1406561000 | t3_2bhbqi | t5_2to41 | 16 | MarineSloth: TIFU by pulling a computer on my face while sleeping.
I woke up at about 8 a.m to a major headache. After a few seconds passed, I realized it was due to the fact that I had a 9 kg computer on my face. I shoved it to the side and was afraid I could have lost some teeth. A single drop of blood fell on my pillow and I touched my forehead, which was already covered in blood. I ran to the bathroom (without spilling a drop of blood on the floor) and found out I had lost half of one of my front teeth and had a huge hole just above my eyebrow. I went to the ER, everbody laughed at me when they heard the story and I got stitches.
Moral of the story: Do not keep a fucking PC on your window sill.
davcas: Protip: Don't buy a 9 kg PC
MarineSloth: I haven't seen much lighter computers...It is one of those smaller forms
davcas: When I got mine it was on the heavier side at Best Buy 13 lbs.(5.77) kg
| 4 | 4 | |
1406104449 | 1406174299 | t3_2bh9c2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | ihaveamonkeyonmyhead: tifu by trashing my long distance boyfriends flat
at the star of this year, i began a long distance relationship. i then spent a thew days at his place over new years, among other things, we did a spot of off road quad biking, during which i managed to roll his quad front ways over a tree stump, smashing the headlamp and mountings as well
as twisting the front bullbars out of recognition. fast forward to July and the school holidays have just begun in my part of the world and i spent some of the holidays staying with my long distance boyfriend, on my first night there, the bourbon was flowing as we caught up on 7 months of each others activities, after a bit much bourbon, i puke all through his laundry hamper full of clean washing, the clothing at the bottom was salvageable after 3 rounds in the washing machine however most of his towels were at the top of the hamper and had to be completely replaced, come the morning, i am very much in need of a coffee, when i go to refill the coffeepot after making the aforementioned cup of coffee, i clip it against the side of the tap smashing it to pieces, the rest of that morning was spent buying new towels and a new coffeepot, all the while he refused to let me pay for any of the damages i have caused on his place despite repeatedly pulling out my wallet, i really hope that i can still go to his place in the future
ShowStoppa718: Your boyfriend has the patience of a saint.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Nah, I'd say that's normal. I wouldn't have my friends or girlfriend pay for minor things like that.
Coffee makers are what, $30? Just the pot itself is less than that. Towels are like $10? ($USD)
I've spent more than those combined on a birthday present for my girl.
ihaveamonkeyonmyhead: i can see where you are coming from with the towels and coffee pot, but the quad was at least 75 for the headlamps and the front bar would easlily have been athew hundred
| 4 | 1 | |
1406117573 | 1406161025 | t3_2bhlnj | t5_2to41 | 869 | _ButtSoup: TIFU by speaking too quickly while bartending...
Got home late last night, so posting this morning.
I'm taking a bartending course. There are about a dozen people in a fairly small place, so it gets hectic. At one point, half of the class went in front of the bar to "order" while the rest of us made drinks for our 'patrons'. I got an order for a Gin Fizz. Ok: 1. place cocktail napkin 2. ask for ID 3. repeat order. 4. Try to upsell call/top shelf brands... and that's where I screwed up.
I'm still new at this, so I'm trying to be quick and efficient. When I *tried* to ask "Do you have a preferred brand of gin?" I kept repeating "Gin fizz" in my head so I wouldn't forget it, and it came out as:
"Do you have a preferred brand of jizz?"
Unfortunately, everyone heard.
While a minor screw up, still pretty embarrassing.
addledson: As a ten-year veteran bartender and bar manager, please don't spend any more money on bar tending school. It's a waste of your time and money.
I have kept only 2 of the bartenders that worked for me coming straight out of a school. Real life is NOTHING like they will teach you.
Not trying to be super negative; just trying to help.
1StopKarateChop: I spent 300 bucks on a bartending course 8 years ago and made that back in the first weekend of work. As far as getting a job in my area most employers won't hire a nobody with 0 experience. I actually learned a lot, and it helped me get a job.
I work at a nightclub downtown Vancouver, BC.
However, I would never spend anything like what the local bartending classes here are charging.
sexypantstime: Yah, I agree. The course is not to teach you to be an expert, it's to make you proficient enough to get hired. Then you learn the rest as you work.
1StopKarateChop: I have seen so many beautiful people, that are just horrendous bartenders, but they get hired because they're pretty.
melafephone: And they bring in the drinkers.
| 6 | 144.833333 | |
1406119907 | 1406121678 | t3_2bhodo | t5_2to41 | 7 | RESET_THE_COUNTER: TIFU by being a lazy fuck.
[deleted]: Sounds like you've had a shitty day :/
HellDar: Dae ebic pun !?!?!?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406102742 | 1406142805 | t3_2bh7sg | t5_2to41 | 3 | steelcon: TIFU by telling a driver I don't like repairing steer tires.
This was originally for an Askreddit, but the mods kicked it. But its still a TIFU if you ask me.
To give some background, I am a Diesel Technician. As in 18-wheelers. I went to school for this (which was a mistake.. up to my neck in debt now), but I got my ass chewed by my boss this past Monday for something I did on Saturday.
Anyway, my boss doesn't work the weekends like any boss should. I have been more or less given the position of lead tech on the weekends. We had a truck come in with flat steer tire. I was working in a different bay, and the new guy was in the tire bay. Said new guy comes to ask me about the nail in the steer tire of this truck. And this is how it goes down:
(me to the driver) Oh, there's the nail, its near the sidewall but it is also going in a sharp angle towards the sidewall. We will have to take it off of the rim to inspect it to see if its repairable. But I need to warn you that if it isn't repairable we wont be able to put it back on.
(driver) That's bullshit.. sounds like a rip off to me.
(me) Well that's not just me being a dick, it's actually the TAI's regul....(driver cuts me off by walking away and swearing under his breath, but is also still within earshot)
(me to new guy) It may be repairable, so you will have to take it off and look. let me know if you need help. I personally don't like repairing steer tires because of the liabilities, but it might be do-able still.
end dialog
Next thing I see of this driver is him hauling ass out of the bay and probably to the next shop since the time between looking at the tire and seeing his truck again was like maybe 3 minutes. I didn't think anything of it, we are always pissing off drivers because they want us to do illegal things.
Monday: The ass chewing.
While I'm working on a truck, in front of customers non the less, he goes onto yell at me for saying such a "dumbass thing" (that thing being that I don't like repair steer tires) and that I have to ask the service writer to look at the tire(which she would have made me come out and look anyway, and I also would have said the exact same thing..) or call him and explain the situation to him. Now I thought I was the Lead tech on the weekends, and I know how the shop works, and I also know how pissed off the drivers get when we cant put their tire back on.
Is it right for him to have chewed my ass because the new guy asked me a question, and I answered honestly? Ive been pissed off the past few days, and I think I have reason too.. Don't you?
Thanks for reading this huge rant.. I am just lost at where to go from here. Any help would be great..
kerbion: I agree with you, being a Class-A CDL holder and having driven for a few big name companies before I said fuck that industry, I have seen some bullshit things, such as a TA in Persall, TX offering to weld the rim of a drive axle wheel, to an O/O who was too cheap to properly maintain his vehicle.
Patching a steer tire, while not exactly illegal is highly risky, as the patch can fail and cause the tire to explode causing the driver to lose control of his rig, and kill a couple of families. I think you made the right call OP, and agree with you that it's never a good idea to patch a steer tire, hell when I had a drive tire go flat I refused to drive the truck with a patch on one of them! Made my company replace the tire.
steelcon: Hey thanks man.. I've always felt the same way. Would I want me or my family to be crushed because a company was too cheap to buy a new tire? I don't think so. And besides. It's my damn name on that job, not my boss. I would go to prison for killing people, not him.. I'm glad there are other people who feel the same way.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406121227 | 1406167545 | t3_2bhq1z | t5_2to41 | 14 | Snackbarian: TIFU by knocking out a professional sportsman during his match
Ok, so this happend last week i'll have to admit:
I've been playing Table Tennis in a team for 4 years (I'm 18 now). Here in Germany, this sport gets much more attention than in the States. I was the teamleader of our club and two elders were our Trainers/Coaches. While we (the Students) had our regular training, the gentlemen of our club had a fifth-division match in the same stadium. After i finished my training session, I grabbed my stuff and headed towards the exit (there is only one door). The gentlemen were still playing so i tried to keep like at least five meters of distance to the tables. However, a player of my own team went crazy about me being "too close" to the table and "interfering" the match, so he shouted like crazy at me. I told him to chill down.
He was all like (translated):
"I'm not chilling down you idiot, watch where you going you stupid child!"
I knew i didn't do anything wrong and i thought he was overreacting, and as exhausted and moody I was I said (translated):
"Who are you calling stupid you fucker!?"
his face then went all red, he walked towards me and pushed me quite harshly, yelling random stuff, spitting all over my face. Then he fucking *grabbed my collar* (he was like 30 years old and taller than me) and pulled me around.
I had a mental breakdown and gave him a right hook to the chin. He was down. I just couldn't control myself in that very moment.
everyone was staring at me and I said: "it was his fault!"
the fucking bald overreacting bully was laying there for at least five seconds without moving, in his ugly, neon green shorts which were far too short (cant tell if it was leg hair or ass hair showing out)
I'm usually not that kind of a person, i want to be friends with everyone, but he just got too violent and i reacted reflexively.
I later got kicked out of the team and I'm somehow happy about it.
The guy didn't accuse me cause he knew he started the violence and i had witnesses.
Now that i have no sports to do at the moment, I'm thinking of joining some martial arts stuff maybe.
*Excuse my bad english, not a native speaker.*
Icewolph: 5m should be sufficient space for a round of table tennis. It seems you were right in defending yourself from a bully.
Also, your english was perfect. Like honestly perfect.
NancyFuckinGrace: a little *too perfect*...
Snackbarian: what does that mean :O
NancyFuckinGrace: sounds more like an american sleeper agent
| 5 | 2.8 |
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