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1406123540 | 1406129633 | t3_2bhtj8 | t5_2to41 | 8 | fightnagainstgravity: TIFU by singing along to a rap song while driving with my windows down.
**Back story** So this happened about 2 months ago. I'm home before leaving the country for about half a year and driving down to my fathers house for dinner and to introduce him to my new SO.
So, about an hour and a half into the drive and I'm getting a little drowsy from a long day of driving around and seeing everyone. My SO is in the passenger seat and I, having a wide variety of music on my phone decide to play something a little more up beat (she was playing some country shit) Well anyways I put on my go to playlist and "The City" by Game ft. Kendrick comes on. So windows down singing along getting into it and just as some of the more explicit lines get said with a few racial slurs a car full of four 20 something year old black guys pull up next to me. Now I am a standard mid-west white guy from about half an hour outside of Chicago. You can imagine the looks I got from this car as they pull up next to me and I am singing along to this song. I immediately break and try to put some distance between us but lo and behold we are coming up to a train crossing and the gates went down. So here I am, forced to pull up next to this car full of pissed off black men while my girlfriend is laughing at me because I am freaking out at that moment.
I then get this brilliant idea that I can explain myself to these guys and it'll be all good. I turn the volume down and look over and just say "I was just singing along to the song, wasn't saying anything to you guys"...big mistake, they just start swearing at me, white boy this, white boy that, fuck you motherfucker, punk ass bitch etc etc. Thank baby jesus the train had just ended a moment ago and the gates went up as I throw her into first and turn onto the next street which wasn't even going in the direction of my fathers house.
TL;DR- Windows down, singing along to rap song with racial slurs in it,
car full of black guys pull up. Try explaining myself, get cussed out, make wrong turn to avoid anymore interaction.
l3eas7: I would of kept on singing/rapping that shit out.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: While looking directly at them. And still driving forward.
No facial movements except the lips.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: And for god sakes... Don't Blink.
| 4 | 2 | |
1406125510 | 1406152618 | t3_2bhwrr | t5_2to41 | 541 | summer_2006: TIFU by kneeing my boyfriend in the balls during a BJ just before he came (NSFW).
So this wasn't today, but yesterday. My boyfriend and I were having sexytime and I was going down on him. He was sitting up in bed and I was between his legs, on my knees. I'm 5'4 and he's 6'3 so sometimes I have to stretch when we're hooking up, but we make it work. It was evident we were nearing the point of no return and he grabbed my head to assumedly makeout while I jacked him off so I leaned forward and shifted all my weight.
My knees were planted into the bed and when I extended forward to do this, (because I'm so short) I felt myself falling forward and was about to have a face plant from a 2ft fall onto his dick (no thanks for either of us). He saw what was happening, but was helpless from his position. Instinctively my knee shot forward, making a solid connection with his balls. And I mean solid.
He went motionless, slumped over and whispered "fuuuuuuuuck." Needless to say that sexual adventure was over. Oops.
He forgave me and we eventually chuckled about it after he could breathe again. BUT today he told me that last night when he went to jack off before bed, the ejaculation was incredibly painful and just sort of oozed out. I think I broke him. Fuck. Please still love me.
EDIT: 07/23/2014 normal ejaculation has occurred! thank you lord baby jesus up in your ghost manger!
TL;DR: I accidentally kneed my bf in the balls right before he came to save myself, but I was forgiven and he didn't die (yet).
Syncharmony: He needs to see a doctor immediately if what you say is true.
summer_2006: what?! really?! since then he went to work, worked out at the gym and hasn't said anything else and everything looks normal
Syncharmony: Pain while ejaculating is not normal at all and the fact that it discharged in a different manner could also be a warning sign. Basically, it could just be some swelling or something, but you don't want to mess around with your family jewels. If there is something wrong, it should be addressed ASAP and not left alone. Guys are reeeeeeeally sensitive down there and trauma to the region can be pretty serious. It's better to get it checked out and be sure he's OK than to take a chance and hope for the best.
summer_2006: fuuuuuuck thanks for the advice! he's a redditor so i'm sure he's read this already haha
JasonAndrewRelva: He's probably fine. I've been straight fucking mule kicked in the balls during fights before and still have never had any problems. I guess it wouldn't hurt to check anyway if you wanna be safe, but I thought I'd just give my 2 cents to ease your mind.
foggyforests: to me mule kicked means the person had their back to you and kicked back into your balls... is that what happened? cause damn. they must have really been pissed at you.
JasonAndrewRelva: Well I guess you could call it a retarded mule kick or something. The guy was on the ground and I was standing a little too close when he fell so he kind of 'up-kicked' me.
foggyforests: hahah well yeah that works as a retarded mule kick then! ouch...
| 9 | 60.111111 | |
1406125942 | 1406256662 | t3_2bhxj4 | t5_2to41 | 44 | Aladeen-or-Aladeen: TIFU by having a Facebook prank misfire.
(Not today, couple months ago)
Friend left her facebook open whilst working, collegue and I think it'd be funny to mess with it; I have the wonderdul idea to change the gender sneakily so that further profile picture changes/statuses have the wrong gender pronoun, cannot find the gender thingy so we settle for the relationship status change *single* to *engaged*.
Cue in shitstorm of comments congratulating her, texts, phone calls, etc...
Turns out she had a bad break up a couple of months ago and not everyone was aware of it. Made her cry. **TIFU**
terveydeksi: That was a real fuck up. You can't have known your "friend" all that well if you didn't know about the bad break up. Facebook pranks are for close friends only!
pronto185: Facebook pranks are for anyone who leaves their facebook account logged into a computer they do not own
terveydeksi: Yeah if you want to have something to post on TIFU. But for respectful people, it's best to stick to people you know very well.
Along_fortheride: The friend may not have told OP that she had not told the family. It was just a prank gone horribly wrong. Hopefully OP can save the friendship and everything be ok.
bashfulcity: OP could have did the ol *"l0l. Im gay, facebook! lolz"*. Would have been tasteless but you probably wouldn't have made someone cry.
Aladeen-or-Aladeen: Those pranks suck ass. I'm sorry but they do. I'd rather friend request Kim Jong Il than write a stupid ass status.
Level8Zubat: If you think those pranks suck ass, I don't understand how you deemed the "prank" you pulled any less ass-sucking enough for you to go through with it.
5unbr0: "I'd rather fuck up in style than be boring" - Me
| 9 | 4.888889 | |
1406050324 | 1406595692 | t3_2bev39 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Idonefuckedupgood: TIFU By losing my phone
**Decided to make a long post explaining the entire situation for you TIFU enthusiasts (such as myself). For everyone else, tl;dr is at the bottom.**
This happened last night, but it's still occurring. So last night I get off of work and on Sundays, my boss drives me home since I am on the way to his place. Normally I wait outside while he dials in all of the codes since it requires nobody to be anywhere for it to activate, save a spot by the alarm.
I needed to take a piss, but I decided to hold it until we got back. That was until about 10 minutes passed by and I decided "Fuck it, i'll take a leak in this bush in the parking lot. It will only take a minute." Mistake numero uno.
Now a key thing you need to know is that I am wearing gym shorts that have no pockets in them (I was in a rush and attire was casual today). So I had my phone in one hand, and my keys in the other. So I decide to set one of them down on top of his car so I don't forget.
Guess which one I thought was smart...
So as I'm taking my piss, I see him exit the building. Now not wanting to be in an awkward and compromising position, I decide to stop midstream and hustle back to the car to not seem suspicious. We talk the moment he gets there until I get back about the day, how I did, the nature of the two complaints that day and the proper way to deal with them, etc. He drops me off, and i'm so tired that I brush my teeth and plop straight onto my bed.
Come 9:00 a.m. in the morning, before I do the daily man routine of Shit, Shower, and Shave, I go for a jog across town. Now looking around I realize that my phone is not on my charger, and it didn't take long for me to formulate worst case scenarios. So I bike back to work immediately (about a 45 min bike ride) looking for anywhere on the road that it may have fallen out, but to no avail. After turning my room upside down while calling it, I decide to call it quits and that it fell off the car on the way back. So tomorrow I will have free time to file a police report, which is required for my insurance to get me a new lost phone.
Well my dad has a GPS tracker on my phone ( I asked him because I know i'm a dumbaass), and eventually a hit came up telling me a 2000 yard radius. We call the phone and it goes to 5 rings the first time, then 2-4 rings a few times, then permanently 5. At that point, we can't get anymore GPS hits on my phone. But the phone is still on for it is clearly going to 5 rings. So now our theory is someone took it, but probably muted it and disabled the GPS. And here we are, realizing that it's alive, but captive.
P.S. Tried posting this last night but it didn't let me and I didn't realize it until this morning -_-
**tl;dr: Lost my phone by leaving it on top of the car. Turns out, someone found it, but refuses to answer it, and instead mutes it and disables the GPS. Don't know how to save Private Ryan.**
Valkonn: Exact same thing happened to me, but the guy who found it answered my call and returned it to me. Guess there are more assholes where you live. When I saw the guy, I was like, *looks like a fuckin gang member, probably just gonna rob me* but he actually turned out quite nice
Idonefuckedupgood: Yea this guy is still not replying :(
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406124985 | 1406490154 | t3_2bhvw0 | t5_2to41 | 73 | OryctolagusRex: TIFU by NOT letting the cat out
So I have a really good friend, lets call her Lulu. I haven't known her very long but we get on like a house on fire. We're both expats and we have a lot in common. Our boyfriends are also friends, which is how we met.
So Lulu recently moved in with her boyfriend, who is a bit of a bohemian type. It's a small studio, no bigger than 20m squared. It is full of arty junk and very messy, but in a cool way I guess. They have a cat named Skunk.
Anyway, Lulu and her boyfriend went away this weekend to a music festival. She asked me to look after Skunk because she knows I love animals and would be happy to. I was happy to.
Since friday, I have been to see Skunk and feed him every day. I noticed that their apartment smelled pretty bad, but didn't think much of it, considering the mess and the cat. All Lulu asked me to do was feed skunk, so I filled his food bowl, and his water bowl, gave him a solid 10 minutes of attention and left. I noticed when I was leaving that he seemed really sad - he kept miaowing and scratching the door for me to come back. Poor skunky! But I didn't want him to escape so made sure he didn't slip out when I was leaving.
Anyway, this morning I rang Lulu to tell her everything was fine, that Skunk was being a cutie as usual and that I went every day to give him food. Lulu's response was a little weird. "He eats a WHOLE BOWL every day?? He normally doesn't eat that much!"
I just brushed it off, said yeah, he must be hungry. Then I mentioned that he was sad when I left so I felt so bad when I was locking the door because he was crying.
She said, "WHAT. You haven't been letting him out?"
My heart sank.
"But where has he been pooping?"
Oh god. "There isn't.... A Kitty litter? I thought there was a kitty litter... In the bathroom..."
"No! I just leave him outside, he only comes to the apartment to say hi and eat...."
I felt sick. And confused - what kind of apartment cat doesn't have kitty litter!? I hung up and cycled to her apartment to let poor Skunk out for a much needed shit. Then I realised that there was no way a cat could hold in a poo for 5 days. No way in hell. I cycled a bit faster.
When I got there, Skunk was pleased to see me. I gave him some food and a belly rub and let him into the hall. Apparently he could get into the garden via the basement. But he didn't seem to have any sense of urgency about him - he can't have needed to poop that badly.... Which meant, of course, that he had been pooping somewhere in the apartment... But where?
As I made my way to the (unmade, filthy) bed I noticed the smell getting worse. It was then that I saw a large cat turd on top of the duvet. I sighed - gross, but at least I'd found it. Then I saw the rest.
Six huge coils of putrid cat shit, hidden within the folds of the duvet. And the mattress was SOAKED with rancid piss. I gagged so hard. The worst smell I have ever encountered, and I've smelt some pretty bad shit. I panicked, royally, in the style of Mr Bean when he tries to rectify some god-awful fuck-up, and set to work cleaning up poor Skunk's mouldy faeces. I lugged the sheets to the laundrette and whilst they were washing (90 degrees C motherfucker) I bought an industrial amount of bicarbonate of soda, laundry powder and white wine vinegar, which according to Google (praise thee mighty Google!) would help me get cat piss out of the mattress.
So I spent half an hour spongeing pissy vinegar water out of the mattress; meanwhile Skunk came back to taunt me by rubbing against my pissy arms. Urgh. I couldn't be mad at him though, he doesn't know better.
I phoned Lulu once the damage had been rectified and we laughed about it - she felt bad for not telling me I needed to let him out and I felt bad for not noticing that he had been shitting and pissing on their bed for 5 days.
I guess the moral of the story is ALWAYS HAVE A KITTY LITTER IN YPUR APARTMENT OR YOUR FRIEND WILL HAVE TO SCRUB PISS OUT OF YOUR BED. It's fine though, Lulu is going to bake me a cake so I guess we're still friends.
galacticprincess: Not having a litter box for a cat is just ridiculous.
TryAnother-Available: I know, right? They aren't dogs, have some common sense. Even if this cat does do its business outside there are days when he won't be able to due to rain and shit like that.
cspyny: It's not like the cat would have to be trained.
If there's a box with dirt ... and it's the only box with dirt / sand ... the cat is going to do its business in it.
But why wouldn't OP think cat litter doesn't have to be changed every other day or so. I have left mine for 3 days before but no issues.
TryAnother-Available: That's true, if you don't know the cat does its business outside then you would assume it does it in a litter. Guess OP was being lazy.
OryctolagusRex: Well Lulu wasn't supposed to be gone that long, I didn't mention that. One of the reasons she didn't give me proper instructions. So it was kind of lazy (for me this is my real fuck up- if only I had checked the litter wasn't too icky I would have seen there wasn't one! Duh!) but she only said to feed him 'over the weekend' so I figured three days would be fine and that she would do it when she was back. So stupid! I wish I knew how big cat poos were I thought they were much smaller!
TryAnother-Available: God, that must've been so gross. I couldn't even stand the smell of a little cat pee yet alone a bed full of cat turds... RIP in peace to your nose.
OryctolagusRex: Haha thanks, I breathed through my mouth for an all time record of an hour and a half I swear
| 8 | 9.125 | |
1406130498 | 1406130742 | t3_2bi5ew | t5_2to41 | 2 | Reissfletch: TIFU by fingering myself too hard
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: What a load of shit.
Reissfletch: Cant tell if play on words or calling my bluff
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406129094 | 1406147086 | t3_2bi2wn | t5_2to41 | 14 | TokingMessiah: TIFU by trying to send an email to my previous boss asking for a reference for a new job opportunity, but accidentally sent it to my current boss.
My previous employer has worked with my prospective employer before, so I wanted to touch base with him to pick his brain as to whether or not this new job would be a good opportunity for me, and at the same time ask for a reference.
I hopped on my web-based email account as I didn't want to send the message from our work server. His name came up in my address bar with two separate emails - his old work moniker, and his personal email. I *thought* I had selected his personal email... I *thought* I double-checked this (that's the worst part - I knew to be careful here).
Fast forward an hour later, boss comes in, calls me into his office to run some reports as we always do on Wednesday. All is going well, we finish our reports, and then he says he "wants to talk about an interesting email I received this morning".
Fuck.
I knew right away that I had fucked up big time. He didn't seem angry, but his comment was out of the ordinary for him. Up comes the email, and there is my beautiful request for some advice and references. Fuck.
In the end, it worked out pretty well. We have mutual respect for one another, so he was happy to know that I could potentially be moving up in my career. He was upset when he first read the message, first assuming it was spam, then realizing it was real and that I had made a critical mistake. He said his temperature went up about 5 degrees at first, and while he wanted to reply with my old boss's correct email (he has it), he wanted to watch me "squirm".
Sure enough, this was the single most awkward moment of my life. I went in head first and told him the truth about everything: the company's lack of support, the fact that there is no room for advancement internally, etc. In the end, we found common ground, and he'll be supporting me moving forward... but holy shit that was awkward...
mtashed: haha it will get better <3 I love TIFU that aren't sex related like this.
donthateflatulate: But maybe he works at Naughty America and is trying to get a job with Brazzers.
mtashed: haha the twist!
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1406129997 | 1406171787 | t3_2bi4id | t5_2to41 | 5 | Nick_Bond: TIFU by almost getting scammed !!
I am 17, I received the iPhone 5c as a graduation present, 1 week later, I was taking a nap and I kept getting phone calls so I answered. An Indian dude told me that I had to fix my computer and my computer is all fuked up so I was like "whatever I just want him to stop calling me" so I gave him the code to my computer which was very stupid. He was scrolling I my computer and I was thinking I made a huge mistake. The guy could not speak English well enough for me to understand what he was saying most of the time. When I listened carefully, I could hear some recorded voices in the background which made me realize this isn't someone trying to fix my computer. He went to a website on my computer and told me to put my credit information to buy a plan to fix my computer, I then realized this was a scam and I hung up. I was reluctant to believe this could happen to me since I had the new phone for 1 week. Three weeks later, my brother randomly says to me " bro I saw a funny YouTube video of someone trolling Indian scammers, come watch". The Indian guy in the video was saying the same stuff that he did to me! My soul jumped out of my body when I saw that. My brother them explained to me the description of the scam and it matched everything that had happened to me so I was freaked the hell out. Two months later, I haven't touched my computer and I don't know what to do about giving the guy my computer code. 😱😩😩
Lexicarnus: Oh damn man... you did F up...
Nick_Bond: Thanks...
Lexicarnus: Sorry, that sounded pretty mean. If you like, I could probably help you protect yourself from this sort of thing and what you should do atm is I recommend changing all your passwords
Nick_Bond: Thanks man, I'll get to work
| 5 | 1 | |
1406130889 | 1406131642 | t3_2bi636 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Dadsemail: TIFU by looking at my dads browsing history.
Halucin8ing: Strange, this exact thing happened to me when I was in my teens but it was my grandparents. I've yet to tell a soul.
Dadsemail: Its just weird not knowing exactly what he was doing, because there is no time he could be going out to be doing this. He works 'till 6 and gets home at 6:30-7, and where he works is about 30mins to an hour depending on traffic.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406130627 | 1406144758 | t3_2bi5nl | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting the name of the women I was plowing and asking her for it!
This confusing tale happened a couple weekends ago and I thought I'd finally share with the world.
It was a typical summer weekend in Wisconsin and I was over at my friends place. First summer out of high school no cares in the world. It was myself and a couple buddies along with some girls from our high school a grade younger than us and we were all drinking heavily (a common thing for us Wisconsinites). I was flirting with this one girl named Alicia and as the night escalated so did we.
**Fast forward to the morning**
I wake up. Hung over. Still drunk. In my bed. Clothes across the floor... WTF is that a bra? A purse? Pants? Panties? Denim fucking jacket?
Okay so my mind is racing at this point because I am alone in my room with a girls belongs scattered across the floor. I search throughout the house but no one is home but me and my head is full blown African Americaned out from the night before.
Confused I call up my buddies and they fill me in a bit. They said Alicia had called them from my house phone around 5:00 am crying because I had asked her, her name while we were fucking and she got so upset she went to the bathroom. WELL I have no idea why or how I was getting some pussy in that state of mind OR WHY I decided it was a good idea to lock the door and pass out in my room with all her shit in there. She apparently knocked on my door for a half hour but I was drunk as a skunk and nothing was waking me up.
So I man up and talk to Alicia to apologize and get some more details from her. She said when we left my buddies I wanted to get Mcdonalds so we did that and while I was driving to my house I had asked her to feed me the burger and fries lol?! AT THAT POINT she should have knew what she was getting herself into lol?!? Am I right gentlemen?
Then she told me about how I went about asking her, her name whilst mid doggy style. She said I was all nonchalant about it like, "hey whats your name again?" And I got a kick out of that cuz I am a happy go lucky guy so I could picture myself in the heat of the moment doing some stupid shit like that.
And that's my tale of the last time getting some of her tail.
kThanks: >my head is full blown African Americaned
uh what the fuck
Cats_with_lasers: Yeah, explain this potential racist epithet
presentday_presenthr: "blacked" out.
Cats_with_lasers: And why not just say that? Less than half as many letter and not offensive at all. And it wasn't funny, it took me out of what was an interesting read.
[deleted]: Its a Zach galafanixs (spellings) joke, jezz chill out. You give words too much power.
Voyager5555: Idiots like you don't respect their power enough.
| 7 | 2.285714 | |
1406129469 | 1406160798 | t3_2bi3kq | t5_2to41 | 77 | nolessonstaken: TIFU by watching Don Jon with my girlfriend
My girlfriend and I have been on a movie kick recently. I had enjoyed the last few movies I had seen with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and decided to watch Don Jon with my girlfriend. I thought that the movie looked like a comical new age love story that would high light the modern day differences between men and woman. I also thought that the movie would open up a dialogue between us to learn more about each other sexually and perhaps try new things. It ended up doing just that but in the opposite way i had intended...
The dialogue started before we even watched the movie. It was a fun conversation about sex and masturbation. Apparently she has orgasms in her sleep 1-2 times a week and when she does touch herself she never looks at porn. I replied that I look at PornHub about 3ish times a week. We talked about a lot of other stuff too but for the purposes of this story I am only relaying what I think important to the title.
So we end up watching the movie at our home. It was a decent flick. However, the main character jerks off like 20 times a day and blows off his girl to jerk off, among many more sexual deviant acts. Obviously, he has a problem with masturbation and porn. To put icing on the cake, what site does he use? The same one as me! PornHub.
Because of the fact that I also look at PornHub, she started drawing comparisons. She started asking about other stuff like webcams, fuck sites, etc.(to which I take no part of). We went from having a fun conversation about our sexual appetites before the movie to me being with my back against the wall on the firing line.
Anyways, fast forward a week later and now she says she doesn't feel comfortable with me looking at porn. We have talked a lot about it. I have cited LOTS of studies and statistics(think of a business man doing a power point to a prospective client haha) and have made some headway.
Either way, I went from being able to jerk off in a care free way on friendly territory to behind enemy lines.
Edit: So, I had watched the movie about three months ago with my girl friend. The only thread that seemed appropriate for what happened was the TIFU, so I wrote the post as if it had just happened to me. Here is an update on the events that have transpired since:
All of this was a surprise to me. I had ordered adult toys online and received free porno's(which she saw) and we kind of joked around about them and even talked about watching them sometime to get ideas in bed.
That being said, after watching the movie the next couple of weeks were definitely rough. Coming from guy culture(I have 2 brothers) and her strictly from girl culture(she has a sister), our views were definitely different. She went through my ipad and asked me a loaded question, "When's the last time you watched porn." I was honest. I was then honest that I was extremely angry about the fact that she just went through my ipad. I have all her pass codes and she has all of mine and I want our relationship to be about honest.
We would argue and I would always seem to win, although there always seemed to be some resistance or uncomfortably there. The fact that ALL the guys she's been with in the said they never looked at porn was a major obstacle in these arguments. Although, through studies and statistics online I was able to persuade her that all of these guys were LIARS.
The next month and a half she would sway back and forth. She hasn't gone through my ipad anymore, but would still occasionally ask when the last time I jerked off was. When I told her, she would become turned off and not want to have sex.
This last month she stopped asking as frequently and when I would respond(there were times I decreased and the answer was none this week and times there were several occasions during the week), she would respond with less disgust.
Finally, this last week she asked me again when the last time I jerked off was. I had only jerked off once in the last week and a half and told her this. I didn't tell her that it happened to be last night. She pressed me and I told her this fact. Now, she definitely didn't cheer me on or anything but we ended up having sex that night. A major victory in this war.
It sounds like a lot of you can relate to the predicament that I am in(although I can start seeing light) and have strong opinions about this matter. Thank you everyone for you support. For the few people who called me disrespectful to my girlfriend, I will copy and past my response to one such person who called me disrespectful:
I would agree with you about the disrespect if I was interacting with others on a webcam or someone else was ACTUALLY jerking me off. I don't even dance/flirt/anything with other girls while I'm out at concerts/clubs without her. I totally ignore them. After typing this I now realize why I get hit on by gay guys so often.
By the way, I just asked her to marry me and SHE SAID YES!! She has agreed to spend her life with this burping, farting, guy who jerks off while he looks at porn...stranger things have happened haha
telepepper: So say you won't look at porn, then do it behind her back. So what? No big deal. Problem solved. Enjoy your girlfriend. :D
FuckinUpMyZoom: have you seen the movie?
telepepper: Yeah. But not in a while. Wasn't he addicted to porn? OP doesn't sound like he is.. So is your point he will get caught?
FuckinUpMyZoom: yeah he was,
but the whole reason he got dumped was for lying...
the porn problem is the source, but you can't lie to someone about who you are or what you do and expect them to not care...
they feel like they don't know you anymore, how many other things you've said are lies?
telepepper: Ok but op is not addicted. He won't get caught because he only does it 3 x a week. Its a white lie. Like I ate a burger today before dinner. Big deal kinda thing. But what do I know? I don't have to worry about that stuff..
FuckinUpMyZoom: > He won't get caught because he only does it 3 x a week.
why? you can't just say that with no justification, what if she comes over and walks in on him accidentally...
its a lie, and trust me its nothing like sneaking some food.
telepepper: I've never been caught. All I can say.
Gee, I wonder who could he downvoting me..
FuckinUpMyZoom: its not me... if thats what you're implying.
i don't vote on reddit... but your comments at -1 so i guess 2 people think you're an idiot enough to click that arrow
telepepper: Well I guess that settles it.
| 10 | 7.7 | |
1406130613 | 1406237526 | t3_2bi5mw | t5_2to41 | 354 | [deleted]: TIFU by Calling someone else's kid retarded, then fighting his dad at a birthday party.
* Welp.. I have been a father since 18 years old (22 now). I am the type of person who speaks my mind, and I also am protective of my family. I have a 4 year old boy and I have been raising him to the best of my ability with the support of my family..but sometime things go wrong.
* Backstory:
* I was at a birthday party for a little boy who I admittedly despise. It isn't entirely his fault because I feel most issues in child behavior are caused by the parents.. but this kid is a little fuck. We will call him "Scumbag kid"
* The kid is 9 months older than my son and the boy can hardly speak. He rambles like an old man with Alzheimer's and you cannot understand him...What is worse, is this little piece of shit is aggressive and repeatedly hits other children, and his parents refuse to do anything about it.
* ----Edit: He has no mental or physical disabilities. He is simply poorly raised, has difficulties speaking because his parents baby talked to him, and he frequently hits other children
Edit #2 -- HE DOESN'T HAVE AUTISM - stop scapegoating the child's actions on a disorder he doesn't have.
Edit #3 -- some of you are a bit slow.... WE KNOW THIS CHILD. for 3 years. we know he is a healthy kid, he is simply a bad child who needs better parenting. We only went to the birthday to be nice and it turned into a shit show. I'm not proud of it, that is why it is posted here.
* The Event:
* Eating a hotdog outside, I watch the children playing with a soccer ball. My little guy likes to kick the ball and he knows you can't use your hands with a soccer ball. The Scumbag kid repeatedly would run over when the other kids were playing, pick up the ball, and wouldn't let go. My son being pretty vocal and outgoing, confronted the scumbag.. this is where it gets heated.
* The scumbag two hand throws the ball directly into my son's face. at this point I stand up because I am initiating DAD mode, and want to make sure everything is ok. My son immediately retaliates and rocks the kid in the face with his tiny fists of fury. I AM SO PROUD. however.. it wasn't one punch. My son fucking throttled this kid once, twice, grabbed the kids shirt, and haymakered the little fuck a third time. Scum Bag kid gets his first bloody nose, and is screaming like he had been shot in the penis.
* How The Dad fight began:
* At this point although so happy I got to witness the 4 year old justice, I knew it was wrong. I started to get up and was planning on yelling at my son.. but then I heard it. "Get your fucking kid in line".... All I could think was P-P-Pardon me? Are you fucking kidding me?
* A) you swore in front of kids B) YOUR SCUMBAG KID STARTED IT
* I turned around to look at the kids father, and the only thing I thought to say was " If your child wasn't a fucking retard none of this would happen. The guy obviously has some anger issues and aggression, so he comes right at me. He is pretty damn big and had 15 years on me, but I know how to fight. I threw 2 solid punches before he even touched me, and by the time he grabbed my shirt to set up, I threw another three to his left jaw and Koed the brute.
* Still holding my shirt the guy fell to the ground, ripping my shirt before letting go. At this point all the kids were staring, two little girls were crying, and the guys wife was threatening to call the cops etc etc.
* We got out of there really quickly after words. I had a tough time explaining what had happened to my son but I stuck with " Sometime there are bad guys in this world. Although fighting isn't right, you protected yourself. That is what Dad did too".
* Still might be charged with assault / Battery, but will most likely win the case - I am studying Law and knowing what I know about the event and the few people willing to testify that he was the aggressor and coming at me, I will get off.
* TL;DR - Kid's playing soccer - Idiot kid throws ball at my sons face - my son throttles the kids face with his fists - his dad makes comment about my son - I call his son a fucking retard - dad runs at me - I knock him out in 7-8 seconds - we leave - They threaten to sue for assault and battery
Arkal: I understand your POV, but this kid's father could easily post his version here and some people could agree you were the asshole.
Let's start with your kid imprinting his knuckles on Scumby's face because he bumped your kid's head with a soccer ball. Of course details are amiss, but it's certain your kid's reaction was disproportioned, and an observer (Scumby's dad) could argue your kid started violence where there wasn't, or it was minimum (I know you would say different, but that's just your POV, unless your kid had a nose bleed or something.)
Secondly, it seems that you weren't so eager to stop your kid from hurting another, when being an adult, preventing kids from getting hurt it's kinda your responsability. You even might have had a smug on your face.
Third, you called the Scumby a retard, which he may be. It's ironic that you were angry at this dude for swearing in general when you're calling his son names.
Even though I empathize with you, you could have understandingly be considered a dick for someone else. So if some parent, possibly a one of your son's friend's, thinks you're an asshole, you can deal with it better.
Edit: This also goes for saying this dad is a bad guy.
Edit2: I'm not judging op, I'm pointing out how different the same story could be told.
Sivalion: > Let's start with your kid imprinting his knuckles on Scumby's face because he bumped your kid's head with a soccer ball.
Way to downplay getting a soccer ball thrown in your face.
parox91: not to mention that scumbag may have hit OP's kid before. OP's kid did the right thing imho.
Sivalion: Well, I'm not sure I agree fully with that, what OP's kid did was mostly retaliation which isn't okay.
parox91: and just let scrumbag keep being a bully? OP's kid probably just made the playground much safer for years to come.
Sivalion: I'd rather my kid know the difference between assaulting someone and defending yourself. OPs kid crossed a line.
parox91: stop assuming his kid will never know the difference.
Sivalion: What?
parox91: you're assuming that just because a kid hits back he's going to be violent for the rest of his life. You should stop being overbearing as he is not your kid in the first place and also the fact that he will probably grow up to become a great adult.
Sivalion: I'm not assuming anything, at all. I'm saying I'd have a talk with my kid if he reacted as strongly as OP's did.
| 11 | 32.181818 | |
1406129345 | 1406164176 | t3_2bi3co | t5_2to41 | 193 | BobbyBoomhauer: TIFU by giving my bf a bj [NSFW]
Let's start this off by saying, I've started a new birth control and one of the side effects in nausea.
So lately I haven't been giving my mans little man much attention in the oral area. But its the time of month and I can see he's getting frustrated sexually.
So I decide what the hell, it will be better in the end, so what if it's uncomfortable.
He makes me something to eat, grilled cheese and mushroom soup, it was excellent, but it threw my nausea into top gear.
But I don't want to wait around to go down on him, as he is REALLY excited.
So we head off to the bedroom and I go to town.
He finishes, and I swallow (it's less messy nothing to clean up) done and done
only problem is. As soon as I swallow a wave of nausea hits. And mushroom soup, grilled cheese bits and semen come rushing out of my mouth coating his dick, balls, feet, my knees and chest.
Thankfully there was no horror on his face when I looked up. He just stood there and laughed for a good 5 minutes, puke all over the place.
TL;DR. Threw up all over his dick.
Edit: cant html on reddit.
[deleted]: So he'd cool with puke on his junk but won't have sex with you during that time of the month? Lil wierd
Megs2606: Maybe it's her that doesn't want to. Not gonna lie, I can't stand the idea of having sex when I'm on. Screw that.
lefty7448: I've always wondered what the taboo with period sex is, aside from the mess. I lost it to a girl on her period.
Ladies, if you don't mind my asking, why no period sex?
PEDANTlC: It depends on the person. Some people feel gross when they're on their period, don't like the mess, have cramps, feel nauseated, tired, etc., etc. Some women, myself included, are easily aroused during their periods and wouldn't mind doing it. Though, with that there are also men who won't do it while a girl is on her period because they find it gross.
BobbyBoomhauer: I feel gross on my period. The mess would only make me feel more gross. I have a heavy flow so I really don't want to have to deal with that, I'm bloated. Bleh.
lefty7448: On the topic of gross stuff, if you vomited on your BF's dick and he simply laughed it off, marry him ASAP. That dude is a fucking champ and he LOVES YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING. Guaranteed.
Username__Irrelevant: Or he's just really into being vommited on.
| 8 | 24.125 | |
1406132675 | 1406163437 | t3_2bi9ik | t5_2to41 | 2,909 | nopenopenope1001001: TIFU by having rough sex with my boyfriend
So I'm hoping writing this down will make it funny instead of just annoyingly stupid. I recently got a new and awesome job. It's distributed so my office is my computer...awesome. I was showing my boyfriend, a certified software geek, around my digital office. He leaned over my shoulder and so I have his neck a kiss and started kissing up to his chin. He caught my drift pretty quickly and we went to the bed.
Both of us enjoy sex on the rough side, nothing too extreme, but this day he was a little more into it then normal. Mostly just dirty talk and a little spanking but some choking too. Of course I'm a little more vocal and have always thought I sounded like I was in pain when I'm not. Of course things went as they normally do. All in all it was awesome and both of us were having a great time. Until my blinking screen caught my eye.
Our meeting software was on and evidently broadcasting. I keep a black sticker over the camera but still sound was probably perfectly audible. I screamed "no, stop!" and thinking he hurt me my boyfriend launched away from me like a burned cat. I ran over and checked the meeting software and it seemed like no one else was on. I turned it off and told my boyfriend. Both of us were laughing in relief at what was our near escape. Or what we thought.
About a minute later there is a pounding on the door with a police officer who was bound and determined to arrest my boyfriend for rape. Evidently one of my coworkers did sign on, hear what sounded like a woman in pain and a man going "yeah, you like that? yeah you do." We both tried to talk to the officer who looked like he wanted to punch my boyfriend in the face. I tried to tell him it was all a misunderstanding. I let the police officer take me to the hospital while iterating over and over again that it was just sex, I was a willing and happy party in it. I had to tell a dozen nurses and doctors, receive a humiliating exam and received more pamphlets on rape then I knew existed and my boyfriend is now petrified of my computer and dead silent when we have sex.
TL;DR: Had rough sex with my boyfriend while company meeting software was on lead to the police being called and my boyfriend nearly being arrested for rape.
fundayz: The fact that authorities are so adamant about pressing rape charges even when there is obvious consent blows my mind.
Rape culture my ass. (yes, there is a joke there, go for it, i don't care).
Edit: Woot SRS'd twice in a week! I'm getting better at this whole 'opinions' thing. (Jokes aside though, does anyone take that self-rightjeous circlejerk seriously?)
Zosoer: Well you have to also consider sometimes the females are just going along with the story so that the male doesn't get in trouble because they are scared for their life. Maybe the cop thought that if he could get OP away from the BF then she would spill the beans about what really happened. I think it's better that they take precautions like this rather than just letting it blow over.
[deleted]: Especially if there is only one copper. Usually, if there is two, they will separate the couple and discuss what happened independently and they talk to each other to make sure it checks out. If I was OP's boyfriend I would be a little embarrassed about the whole thing, but overall happy that the police had my girlfriends well being in mind when dealing with everything.
[deleted]: I'm sure you would be thrilled with your SO being bullied into what amounts to a sexual assault.
[deleted]: I... er.... what?
[deleted]: Did you miss the part where they browbeat her into going to the hospital for an exam? Unwanted genital manipulation under duress is sexual assault where I'm from.
[deleted]: Oh come on. I kind of get your point with the brow beating, but you can NEVER claim a rape exam is sexual assault. Most importantly she agreed to it.
[deleted]: I can definitely consider vaginal probing to be sexual assault when it's unwanted and only "agreed to" for the fact that you're badgered into it by a menacing authority figure, regardless of the reason.
[deleted]: Nope.
[deleted]: Yep. Being menaced into unwanted genital probing is sexual assault. Sorry you're wrong.
[deleted]: Nope.
[deleted]: TIL that intimidating someone into undergoing unwanted genital manipulation isn't sexual assault if it's "for their own good."
[deleted]: You only use quotation marks to quote someone.
[deleted]: Or to paraphrase while making it clear that you don't endorse the opinion. But I guess it's actually not for her own good anyway. Being intimidated into submitting to unwanted manipulation of her sexual organs isn't sexual assault if it's done *just in case she's lying and it turns out to actually be for her own good*.
[deleted]: But it wasn't paraphrasing, you're just making it up to fit your argument. Also, I think you need to go away and have a think about what the word manipulation, you're not using it in the correct context. Plus, you seem to be very interested in this as a vast majority of your posts in this comment section uses some combination of "manipulation", "genitals" and "sexual organs" (by the way, that is how you are meant to use quotation marks).
[deleted]: >But it wasn't paraphrasing, you're just making it up to fit your argument.
No, that's literally your argument.
>Also, I think you need to go away and have a think about what the word manipulation, you're not using it in the correct context.
I know what the word "manipulation" means. You apparently do not.
>Plus, you seem to be very interested in this as a vast majority of your posts in this comment section uses some combination of "manipulation", "genitals" and "sexual organs"
Because those words clearly convey what happened.
[deleted]: Firstly, it was not my argument. I said if I was the boyfriend, I would not be that bothered about being accused of rape and I would be happy to know the police had her best interests in mind by being suspicious of me. I in no way said the genital exam was "for her own good".
Secondly, great counter argument by just saying "you apparently do not".
Thirdly, you do not know the entire situation. The police may have insisted on the EXAM and she gave consent. Her genitals were "manipulated" in the way that they would have been moved at some point, this is not the correct context of the word. There is no sexual context to this EXAM, therefore, it is not sexual assault. This is a genital EXAM.
It would be different if the police officer pinned her down and said "let me have a look, I want to see if you were raped". He took her to the hospital and requested she had a genital EXAM for signs of sexual assault, to which she agreed with.
[deleted]: >There is no sexual context to this EXAM, therefore, it is not sexual assault.
This, right here? Bullshit.
[deleted]: Nope.
[deleted]: Unwanted genital contact submitted to under intimidation is sexual assault. You are arguing that she did not have the right, as an innocent woman of sound mind, to decide when contact is made with her sexual organs, what that contact consists of, and who performs it, free from intimidation.
[deleted]: I think you need to read the post again. At no point did she say she was intimidated into having the exam and explicitly said that she "let the officer take me to hospital". I agree that any person should decide who contacts their genitals, free from intimidation. However, you have made assumptions from the post and decided to go on a moral crusade on something you have no idea what you're talking about as you were not there.
[deleted]: >**We both tried to talk to the officer who looked like he wanted to punch my boyfriend in the face. I tried to tell him it was all a misunderstanding.** I let the police officer take me to the hospital **while iterating over and over again that it was just sex, I was a willing and happy party in it.**
You either lost your fucking mind or you don't know what intimidation looks like.
[deleted]: Yes, I read that. At no point in the text does it say that the officer suggested the hospital visit, nor does it say she did not want it, nor does it say he intimidated her to have the exam. You've just proved my point for me. Thanks.
[deleted]: >At no point in the text does it say that the officer suggested the hospital visit
Who the fuck you think suggested it?
>nor does it say she did not want it
o_O
>nor does it say he intimidated her to have the exam
That whole passage *screams* "intimidation" to anyone not looking to pretend otherwise.
[deleted]: She may have. It was not explicitly written who suggested it. They may have been talking about what was going on and OP suggested to prove it once and for all by going to the hospital.
What? Nothing in the text says she did not consent to the exam when suggested straight away. No where in the text was there any evidence of coercion or intimidation regarding the exam.
No, the passage screams a police officer may be a tad over aggressive to a suspected rapist (we know he is not, but at the time the officer didn't). No where in the text was a suggestion of aggression or intimidation towards OP.
[deleted]: Yeah, I describe myself as having "let" something happen when I'm the one who initiated it all the time. I further do not consider it at all intimidation to mean-mug someone's SO while making it clear that I believe both of them are lying to me. What a crock.
[deleted]: Are you her? No, so you can't comment on HER choice of words and in what context she has used them. I have no idea what mean-mug means. However, you don't consider that intimidating? Good, then we agree.
The guy is a police officer. He sees all sorts of shit. If he is a little heavy handed with someone who turns out to be innocent to get the truth out of him, so be it. He didn't hit someone one. For all he knew the girl was scared of the boyfriend and that she will say anything to get rid of the officer as she is scared her SO might hurt her. Again, at no point did OP suggest he was intimidating her!
[deleted]: >No, so you can't comment on HER choice of words and in what context she has used them.
I actually can. As a human being, I possess the innate ability to understand clues from lingual context.
>I have no idea what mean-mug means.
Bullshit. Even if the phrase wasn't self-explanatory enough, looking at OP, you should be able to gather it from "the officer who looked like he wanted to punch my boyfriend in the face."
>However, you don't consider that intimidating? Good, then we agree.
Again, bullshit. Looking like you want to punch somebody's SO in the face while making it clear that you, from a position of authority, believe they are both lying to you will cause fear in a reasonable human being. That's intimidation.
>For all he knew the girl was scared of the boyfriend
She was fucking scared of him. If there was anything in her body language that could reasonably be construed as fear, it was at the situation he himself was creating through mean-mugging (and yeah, you do know what it means) her SO and making it clear he didn't believe them. You know what it's called when your language (including body language) cause fear in a reasonable human being?
The *entire post* screams intimidation.
[deleted]: That isn't an innate ability. An innate ability is one that you don't learn, and you learn how to understand the written word and context. Secondly, you have read a situation in a text form and assumed you know what OP's context. I can tell you now, a lot of people get the context of the written word (ever heard of a misunderstanding?).
I do not know what mean-mug means. Yet again you are telling someone what they thinking/know/understand. It is clear from you're entire argument you have zero empathy and unable to relate to people different from yourself.
You said it wasn't intimidating. So you agree with me, so not bullshit. No, that is his job. Police need to POLICE situations, no one in the right mind will turn up to a scene of suspected rape and be very calm and nice to the suspected rapist. Also, they wouldn't just listen to the suspected rapist saying "oh it was consensual" and then go, "OK, nice to meet you, bye". You do not live in the real world.
If she was scared of the police officer, why would that make her scared of her SO?! That doesn't make sense.
The post doesn't "scream intimidation". Your post does scream cunt though.
[deleted]: > I do not know what mean-mug means.
I spelled it out for you. You're either lying or you're dense.
>You said it wasn't intimidating.
That would be sarcasm.
>If she was scared of the police officer, why would that make her scared of her SO?! That doesn't make sense.
It doesn't make sense because it's not what I said. She quite clearly was not scared of her SO. Read again.
>The post doesn't "scream intimidation".
It absolutely does.
>Your post does scream cunt though.
Likewise.
[deleted]: Oh for fucks sake, how old are you? You know what I meant, I was saying I did not know what that phrase meant but you were arrogantly telling me I do.
Sarcasm? But, wait, I have the innate human ability to understand lingual context, how did I miss that?!
That is what you said. Even if you didn't, that is what you were meant to say, innate lingual context, remember.
Right, I am going to go childish here, no it does not.
Haha good come back. I am rubber, you are glue....
[deleted]: I'm old enough to understand that a cop mean-mugging someone's SO while making it clear that he thinks both he and she are lying to them creates an intimidating atmosphere, and that anyone pretending otherwise is intentionally downplaying the effects of his actions. I'm also old enough to understand that calling someone a "cunt" isn't really a indicative of the sort of thought process that deserves putting much effort into the response.
Are you really arguing that an aggressive police officer making it clear that he thinks both you and your SO are lying to him is not intimidating? Or that she said she "let" him take her to the hospital when she asked him to take her? I mean, if so, then I can understand why you would think calling someone a "cunt" would indicate clever and/or intelligent discourse.
[deleted]: Firstly, I don't think you're are in any place to comment on my use of "cunt" considering you kept using "fuck", "fucking" and "bullshit", throughout your posts.
Secondly, lets flip this. What would you say if he turned up, asked what was going on, they both said it was all fine etc and he left, and OPs SO was actually raping or abusing her?
Thirdly, it is entirely plausible that OP suggested to go for an exam or the police officer suggested it and she agreed straight away. There is nothing in the text to suggest otherwise.
[deleted]: > Firstly, I don't think you're are in any place to comment on my use of "cunt" considering you kept using "fuck", "fucking" and "bullshit", throughout your posts.
Okay. Using "fuck" to emphasize a point or "bullshit" to address *an idea* is the same as calling someone a "cunt" because you don't like what they're saying. Definitely on the same level (that's sarcasm again.)
>Secondly, lets flip this. What would you say if he turned up, asked what was going on, they both said it was all fine etc and he left, and OPs SO was actually raping or abusing her?
That she should have spoken up?
>Thirdly, it is entirely plausible that OP suggested to go for an exam
Her wording does not at all suggest that this what occurred. In fact, it suggests the opposite.
>the police officer suggested it and she agreed straight away.
Why would do that if not afraid of the effects of acting otherwise? Or have you ceded that the situation the officers created was, in fact, intimidating?
[deleted]: Why do you need to use swear words to emphasise an idea? That is a poor argument.
Wow. It is not that easy, clearly you have never been in a position of being abused (which I am glad about). It is never as easy as to just "speak up". The fear of the consequences if she did speak up and he didn't go to prison could prevent her. There was recent case in the UK where a girl was being abused, told her friends and left him, he came back and killed her. Things are not black and white and easy in real life I am afraid.
No, it is not a strange thing to do. I agree that you should be innocent until proven guilty. But in cases like these, it is very easily for them to be let to slip through the cracks and abuse escalate and become worse. In real life, you can't always just believe someone when they said they didn't do it.
No, I have said there is no evidence the officer intimidated the girl into having a rape exam.
[deleted]: Do you really mean to assert that a police officer displaying outright anger and contempt for someone's SO while making it clear that he believes neither that person nor that person's SO regarding a very grave matter with potentially life-altering consequences would not instill fear in a reasonable person?
[deleted]: I am going to say this one more time, please read carefully. There is no evidence in the text to suggest OP was intimidated into having a rape exam.
I am done with talking to you about this, you're just constantly repeating the same thing over and over and not progressing your argument. When I am able to put down your argument you just go back to the police officer being angry with OP's SO. What do you want a police officer to be like to a SUSPECTED RAPIST?! Hugs and kisses? Hand holding? Go and make him a cup of tea? Seriously, you're obviously quite young or immature and not entirely sure how the world works. This police officer (considering he was on his own) must have vast experience behind him and is likely to have seen some horrible stuff. If taking a girl down to have a rape exam and potentially stop any further abuse or rape, annoys her and her SO slightly, I am sure he can sleep well at night. Unlike you, who seems to think that if someone is abused or raped and doesn't speak up its their own fault. Its ridiculous and you should be ashamed of yourself, as should the people who are upvoting any of your comments, as you are a disgrace.
[deleted]: That's because you won't address it. You're dancing around it, looking for any shape the spade could be other than a spade. At one point you actually suggested she might have *wanted* to go to the hospital for a rape exam.
[deleted]: My god, you're an idiot. I am not dancing around it. You asked me a question whether it was intimidating and on a number occasions I have categorically said "no". I don't think I can be any more clear than that. Understand now? No? I'll say it again, no I do not think it is intimidating.
Yes, I know I suggested that. Where does it say she didn't suggest it? It doesn't. You're a fucking idiot.
[deleted]: So she didn't fear anything would happen to her boyfriend if she failed to prove his innocence. She just merrily went along for an exam she described as "humiliating" for the hell of it.
| 41 | 70.95122 | |
1406132071 | 1406738530 | t3_2bi8bw | t5_2to41 | 71 | IronCupcake: TIFU by not cleaning after myself [NSFW]
So there I was, jerking off again. I find myself doing this more often as my girlfriend goes away, but this time is different. Rewind two weeks back and my girlfriend tells me shes going on vacation with her family, fast forward two weeks and I'm jerking off. Nobody was home and I wasn't expecting any visitors, so hearing the door bell surprised me. I quickly finished, which ended up all over my comforter, and put some clothes on. I opened the door and was shocked to see my girlfriend standing there for a surprise visit. I was flooded with joy seeing her face again, so I asked her to come in. We talk for a little while but she didn't come for talking. We make our way into my room (which still has my cum in it), and we start making out on my bed. Everything was going right until all of a sudden she lets out a shriek. I then realized that I didn't clean up after myself and it got all over her leg. It's safe to say, sex didn't happen that night.
**TLDR;** Girls are willing to swallow your cum, but god forbid it gets on their leg.
Floyd_Pink: I will never understand how people can be so comfortable with just cumming all over upholstery, furniture, carpets, etc. It is beyond gross, and incredibly lazy.
Warzitec: What happened to the old tissue box?
Hackurtu: Or just a box in general.. a cum box, if you will..
Warzitec: Still seems messy to me.
medosevo: It's a sticky situation
| 6 | 11.833333 | |
1406132278 | 1406178197 | t3_2bi8s4 | t5_2to41 | 10 | almost_circumcised: TIFU by doing anal and get almost circumcised [NSFW]
TIFU by getting almost circumcised
Some intro: i was with my FWB or GF from 1 year, dont know witch on yet, this is my first relationship of long time, since we are into this i tryed to push her to do anal, its one fetish of mine (note: i only done this one time before, so i was inexperient too), at the beginning she refused but i keep pushing and pushing, fingering herr gently, so i kinda of convince her try.... we done this a good few times already, and she now like this alot and i love ear her sreaming, but we are not pros yet... she only ask me 2 things when we do anal, to not put excess of lub, and since i put in dont take it off uncessary, the penetration is the most dificult part for her
so here we come... the FU part, 2 weeks ago we are in our thing and i was high, normaly im not but this time i was, and horny me i thinkg to my self... "lets rape your ass" i turn her to her back, hold the lub and she tell me "dont put much" so i put only a bit... i started to rub on her, and in no time i am in... i know that this is the dificult part, so i try to go deeper and nice, but this particular time high me is getting some trouble to go deep.. i start to fuck her gently but not going deep.. it was felling good, and horny and high me think to my self "time to put eerything in"... and DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN the thing hurt like hell, damn damn damn, i think "what the fuck did just happen", i look at her and shee is moaming normal, only i felt this "what do i do now?", i dont want to be the weaker part, so i continue to fuck her but very very very slow, this is hurting on my dick like hell, i dont know what to do, so simply keep doing my thing, some moments later i fell it going all way in, and i found some way to fuck her and control the pain.. at this point the only thing that i wanted is to cum and finish the thing so i do the best i can to cum as quick as possible... 5 minutes later with the pain i finaly finish.. wow, so relief now... she didnt notice much, so i just lay down on side of her a few minutes, after that i told her that i was going to clean my self on bathroom... when i get to cleaning i start to search right the way for what had happen to my dick, and found.... the tiny skin that connect the head to the rest of the penis is half broken "wtf, i just got half circumcised" i clean all thing and i was trying to avoid sex, but already done some times and i not 100% fix, still have a litle wound on my penis.. my GF are realy in mood for tonight, so i am fucked (and she is too) xD
enndre: So you had anal unprotected, your dick bleeded, you didn't say anythink to your girlfriend an now you want to have sex again tonight?
Move your ass to a doctor to have your dick checked up, stop having sex unprotected, tell your GF about this so she can also have a medical check up.
You have no idea how many bacteria are in one's ass and what infections you could both get right now
Turd_in_the_hole:
>You have no idea how many bacteria are in one's ass
Less than are in one's mouth?
Im not so sure it's all that serious- I'm all for protected casual sex, but if they're tested and monogamous then it's a reasonable choice for a couple to go without. If they've made that choice and already been blending juices for a year then I don't think a bit of foreskin blood will make much difference. As long as the wound is healing and not showing signs of infection then I wouldn't be too worried.
shadyultima: Open wound + fecal matter? Definitely could be bad.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406133370 | 1406142773 | t3_2biarv | t5_2to41 | 50 | grannythrowaway: TIFU by masturbating in my SOs dead grandmother's bedroom
So, this happened a little while ago. The person is now my ex, but I feel like the story is appropriate here. I never got to tell anyone about this is real life because I was so (rightfully) ashamed of myself.
So, it's pretty much as bad as it sounds. My boyfriend at the time was living in his decreased grandmother's house after he graduated so that he could watch it until his family was ready to sell it. He had a fucking crazy family, and he often told me about how his grandmother was the only good and stable influence in his life as he was growing up. He still cries sometimes when he talks about her. She was incredibly important to him.
So, on this particular day we were having sex in the basement. Normally if we had sex and I didn't finish I'd go and quietly finish myself off in my room, because otherwise I become super grabby and have a hard time letting him rest because I'm still horny after the fact. It doesn't really cause problems, and I find that if I'm sexually satisfied I become a lot less annoying about sex.
So, this time we're in his grandmother's place. He finishes, goes to the bathroom, lays down, and we say goodnight because it's super fucking late. I discreetly grab my vibrator and decide to go finish myself off somewhere. He's offered to let me sleep in one of the many rooms in the house before, so I think no big deal. There's one room that's covered in sheets and shit, and I erroneously think this is his grandmother's old room, and go to the room beside it.
So I'm in there with my hand down my pants and my vibrator running when I hear the door quietly open. I immediately pull my hand out of my pants and try to pretend like I'm not masturbating. He says, quietly, "...What are you doing?" Before I can answer he says, in the most downtrodden voice, "Not in here", and leaves.
I felt so terrible. I felt like I desecrated her memory. I apologized a million times and said I understood if he felt like it was disrespectful and I understood if he was upset.
I have never felt like a shittier person in my life. I will remember that shame until the day I die. Nothing like being caught, hand and vibrator mid-vag, in your boyfriend's dead grandmother's bedroom.
DariusRichardson: But did you at least get to finish?
grannythrowaway: Was thinking of putting that at the bottom of the post. I definitely did not finish. Turns out desecrating the memory of your boyfriend's cherished love one really dries you out down there.
DariusRichardson: Would you say the mood came to a dead stop?
grannythrowaway: http://i.imgur.com/omR5K2E.gif
| 5 | 10 | |
1406137013 | 1406203529 | t3_2bihu4 | t5_2to41 | 20 | PM_ME_UR_SPREAD_LEGS: TIFU cumming in my mouth, then swallowing it
This morning, while my shower was warming up, I figured I might as well choke the chicken for a little bit before getting in.
So I proceeded to head on over to the tubes, and found a great video.
So I'm going at it for a while and decide to speed it up a little so I could release my load at the same time the girl climaxed.
My FU is that my mouth was slightly open, I can only assume from awe at how hot the video was. When I finally came, you guessed it, my load when STRAIGHT into my mouth and to the back of my thoat. I was shocked, as this had never happened before, and accidentally swallowed.
I can still taste it.
And that, refit, is how TIFU
TL;DR: Jerkin it to a hot vid, came in mouth, swallowed out of surprise.
PM_ME_UR_SPREAD_LEGS: NSFW btw
NotABlackGuy_AMA: How many PM have u had?
-Isaac: So whats it like being white?
NotABlackGuy_AMA: Pretty regular i guess... Smaller dicks and screaming at little kids when you are old
| 5 | 4 | |
1406138413 | 1406140332 | t3_2bikmq | t5_2to41 | 7 | QuestionsInTheSky: TIFU By not taking my receipt
This happened a few months ago but as I've just discovered this sub I shall share.
So a little background info... I live close to a petrol station which has recently been taken over and replaced by a 24 hour M&S garage, this means new staff, new faces. I often use this petrol station to fill up and now, as it has become a 24hr munchies haven, get the late night sugar fixes. As you'd expect, this becomes more and more frequent due to it being open past 10 and I find myself making the odd small talk with this 7/10 cashier. So me being me (an oblivious stoner that, when alone, spends most of his time with his mind in the clouds) has completely overlooked the obvious flirtatious signs from her e.g smile from ear to ear at most silly comments that come out my mouth, hair touching and the odd compliment on my clothing and car.
See this is the where I should be removed from society to prevent unnecessary public embarrassment to others.
So this one evening I do my usual and head to the petrol station, on my way home from my friends house, and head straight to the desert section. I get my stuff, raspberry cheesecake and a pint of choco milk, head straight to the tills with my eyes red as the devils dick but my head held high and lock eyes with the mentioned cashier. We break into small talk as she ever so slowly scans my items. She bags my items and then proceeds to offer me my receipt, I kindly declined, grabbed my bag and start to turn but then I hear;
"Are you sure you don't want your receipt?"
I stop half turned and reply with a smile.
"No thanks"
She then takes one last breath and replies with a cute little smile.
"This is the last and only time I'm going to offer you a receipt"
As I process this reply, that I was definitely not expecting, I screw my face as if she had just asked me the STUPIDEST question in the world and then reply.
"Ermm... No"
And without allowing anymore of my time to be apparently wasted I swiftly leave and immediately drive away.
It was only on my drive home that I realised that the cashier had been scribbling, from what I can only assume, her number on the back of my receipt. This theory has been backed up by her going out of her way not to serve me and, when serving, not make eye contact or small talk.
TIFU by unknowingly rudely rejecting a girl in front of customers and her colleagues
Talidaar: How you fix this: Go back in when she's working and buy whatever you're there for. When you go to pay, give her enough to cover the amount and then pause and say "I think I screwed up the other day, and didn't give you the right amount." Then give her a dollar bill with your number written across it in marker in big numbers so that she can't miss it. Then you can say something like "I hope this can make up for my mistake..." Or something like that...
Good Luck!
[deleted]: Yeah no kidding.. Anything like this... it'd take less time than posting this..
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406137499 | 1406273829 | t3_2biita | t5_2to41 | 118 | CelebrityCircus: TIFU by Beheading a Deer Fly
I work in landscaping and have lately been very fed up with the mosquitoes and deer flies.
Today, in a fit of rage, I ninja snatched a deer fly out of my hair.
After spewing every curse word I knew at this horrendous excuse for an insect, I crushed its head between fingers.
As its body lay twitching in the palm of my hand, I felt a wave of victory crash over me.
Little did I know, this headless motherfucker had one last mission. A kamikaze mission. Target? My fucking lungs.
I shit you not, just as I was beginning to sneeze, this twitching carcass took flight and aimed straight for my exposed windpipe. If this bug had vocal cords (and a head), I can assure you that it would've bellowed a battle cry that held close resemblance to Brendan Fraser's swinging-from-the-vines yell in the 1997 classic George of the Jungle.
Now here I am, trying to cough up any deer fly remains that remain in my lungs.
It seems I had won the battle, but who really won the war?
PoopsMcGee99: Brandon Fraser's 1997 George of the Jungle is and never will be a classic, unless you're talking about a classic example of shit.
CelebrityCircus: hey now...
what_is_lub: you're an all star...
BakerBomBacon: get your game on...
CelebrityCircus: Go play...
Sibire: "...Fuck it, too hot outside. Where's my headset?"
| 7 | 16.857143 | |
1406139495 | 1406217508 | t3_2bimsx | t5_2to41 | 5 | XtraordnryGentleman: TIFU and finalized my two-year relationship in a series of mistakes and epic flip-out session.
So, it was a wonderful day. I felt so positive and happy to be alive, even working two jobs and being generally weary I came home to the girl of my dreams, or so I would say, the woman I chose to unconditionally love, and have not stopped loving (unfortunately, as this happened over a month ago).
She was hanging out with her friend over here at my Mom's while we took care of the house for the week. She had a couple of glasses of wine with her friend while I was working, and my alcoholic ass drank two nips on the way home--so alcohol was involved.
Her friend left shortly- we all interacted with great friendliness, nothing could have foreseen the following events. Me and my girl proceeded to come close together as a good couple would and talk, and as I am a good man and the world revolves around her, she spoke about her advice to her friend to break up with her boyfriend. We agreed. She said something about how her friend just gets "too caught up" or is just "too dedicated to her man in a relationship." Too what? I jokingly said, "oh, i wish she was MY girl..!" (dedication, i.e.)
Well... buzzed gf does not take that so well. she immediately voices an intention to leave. unsettled by her reaction, i try to apologize, but also say "go 'head and leave, then. i didn't mean any harm." She begins to say she is going to call her friend. I say "ok, ok, if thats what will make you feel better, i won't stop you." After trying to make peace for a few and she keeps going in about it, I retreat to the car with my computer for some much-needed music and peace (it had been a long day). And I was obviously joking.
In the locked car, she hits the window, about twice. I ignore and am about to start singing/rapping, w/e. She went back in the house and i figured that we would be good to have a little space from each other.
Just as I'm beginning to rap, she comes back out, and lo and behold! i see her begin to pour a beer on the windshield. In a split second, my mind did this: 1. oh, i must have left my beer outside. 2. nope, theres my beer in the car with me. 3. this beer is rare and expensive. 4. she opened that beer just for the purpose of pouring it on the windshield, vindictively, to get my attention. 5. get out the car; mood transformed from easy-going, carefree to blind rage at the disrespect.
Bipolar.
Could've totally acted differently.
I took that beer and I poured some down her shirt, in forceful anger.
She immediately went from vindictive little girl to scared and tearful. i had no remorse. in a spitting rage i admonished her. i ranted and raved, and went to the house, locking the doors. her shit was on the porch pretty quickly, just thrown out there. i told her to get the fuck out of there and she wanted to, but smelling like beer and probably wanting to overall resolve things she wasn't leaving. i was beyond reason. i went from being so reasonable from beyond reason. perhaps i should have mentioned unfortunate event number One happened a week and a half earlier when i chose to go off medications cold turkey. i'm still not back on them.
i came back out of the house, to get my computer. i threw her phone in the bushes. when she tried to get back in the house, i got to the door first and we pushed against each other in a power struggle. i'm not even sure--i guess she wanted her stuff in there? i assured her i would get it for her- couldn't trust her being vindictive in my house. our struggle became her collapsing in pain as the door somehow cut her knee a little and left a huge bruise on her leg- not sure how that happened, but it was in no way intentional.
we slept next to each other for the last time that night; close, like usual, perfect together. but the next morning she immediately indicated the bruise upon waking up, forcing me to lift my head to look at it. frustrated, in anger, i went to the bathroom to wash my face up and prepare for work. when i came out, she was gone.
life hasn't been the same since.
[deleted]: You two are an awful couple and both immature. You know what adults do? Talk out their issues.
XtraordnryGentleman: hell. yeah. but sometimes you need a moment of space to cool hot heads. i understood that... but the disrespect caused me to snap, and i don't know, i'm pretty certain it has something to do with discontinuing my medication less than 2 weeks prior. i would do anything in the world to change this.
attilagyongyosi: Wait, you are actually suffering from some bipolar disorder? I thought you were just writing that to describe the situation.
That certainly would change things.
Apart from that, this is a pretty decent fuck up, and I feel sorry for you. Have you called her? Have you tried to meet up with her and just talk it out?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406138833 | 1406215652 | t3_2bilhg | t5_2to41 | 152 | rxcowboy: Tifu by mixing booze and tampons---NSFW
This story is almost ten years old, but I think it qualifies.
When I was in college, I was in a fraternity. Two relevant factors for this story: I had an alcohol tolerance that was legendary. I was the master of drinking games not due to skill but due to the fact that as everyone else got obliterated my coordination would stay the same. Second factor is I'm a guy, and I was a virgin.
A bunch of us go up to New York for our fraternity regional conference. While there every chapter did the macho man tough guy bullshit and bragged about how much they could drink, and the hardcore boys from Boston kept challenging me to play Anchorman and Flip Cup. I'm making money because they are dumb enough to bet, but after a full day of drinking I'm starting to get sloppy so I decide to pump the brakes and walk away.
I met a girl at the bar, we start talking and my friends are trying to warn me that she's hideous because, well, she was. But fuck that, I'm drunk and horny and by god this girl wants the D, I'm getting laid.
We go back to her hotel room, start fooling around, her friend comes back so we vacate back to my room.
At this point I'm swaying hard, but once again, fuck it, I'm getting laid. Sadly I forgot to close the door all the way.
Clothes fly off, we are making out, I start fingering her and it feels....weird. Bear in mind I've never done more than kiss a woman before so I thought it felt tight as hell but that's normal right?
She's completely in to it and pushes my head down to go down on her. I oblige, slide down her body and come face to face with a string.
I froze, look up at her and slur out "Sccchhhtttrrriiinnnnggg?" like Sean Connery post stroke. The look of horrific realization washes over her face and she starts crying and just saying " Oh god oh god oh god."
At this point my body realizes sex isn't happening and decides to hurl one more insult at me by making me projectile vomit onto her crotch. I grab the trash can by the end and puke into it. Only to realize that it's a mesh trash can so my puke is spraying out of all the holes like some sort of fucked up toy from 120 Days of Sodom.
She is wailing like a banshee and I hear laughter from the now wide open door as my friends had apparently gathered to watch the debacle.
The poor woman leaves and I'm spread eagle on the bed loudly ranting about my misfortune. I informed my friends it looked like a cat toy or a fuse from a stick of dynamite, and then puked on myself again while yelling that I nearly ate dynamite pie.
TLDR: Was a virgin, hooked up with a girl with her tampon still in, vomited, remained a virgin.
PlentyofFishinthePee: I totally thought you meant the "vodka tampon" thing. Which apparently is BS, anyway.
xbrand2: Wouldn't that sting pretty badly?
as10321: A guy I know tried it while shitfaced.
Yes, yes it does. He wouldn't stop screaming for like half an hour
PlentyofFishinthePee: It's actually not a real thing, it's one of those stories parents tell to scare the shit out of each other. It's almost impossible to do, anyway.
I imagine someone, somewhere has succeeded, though.
as10321: Im aware. This guy decides to try it, bummed a tampon off a girl, soaked it in vodka, and took it into the bathroom. According to him, it really didn't want to go in, but he managed to get ~1/2 inch in. And it burned.
PlentyofFishinthePee: Yeah, 1/2 inch sounds possible. Impressive, though, considering a girl hole is usually looser than a boy hole.
| 7 | 21.714286 | |
1406136864 | 1406162611 | t3_2bihjm | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by not shaving
This happened last night, but LNIFU isn't a subreddit.
I'm a lazy motherfucker when it comes to shaving, but I really only need to shave every 3 or 4 days to keep from looking like Chuck Noland. This week I've been particularly fuzzy, not having shaved since last Friday.
That was my fuck up.
I was waiting on the bus on my way back from the city after a work event. My fuzziness was wearing on me, causing that insatiable itch around my neck that we've all experienced. Unconsciously, I scratch my neck, switching to side to side to make sure I get maximum scratch coverage. Efficiency at its finest.
There I am, minding my own business when a SF police officer asks to speak with me. Weird, I thought. But okay, maybe he saw my [insert company name] shirt and recognized it.
Nope.
Cop: "Son, are you on drugs?"
Me: "Um. No...?"
Cop: "It's okay if you are, but you're going to have to come with me. Just stay calm and everything will be okay."
Me: "I'm... not on drugs...?"
Cop: "I know, I know. It's okay."
Me: "No seriously, I'm not on drugs. Looks at my pupils or some shit. I don't know how drugs work."
Cop: "Oh. You're really not on drugs?"
Me: "No, I'm really not."
Cop: "You really shouldn't scratch your neck like that. Most cops recognize that immediately."
Me: "Scratching my ne... oh shit."
The cop and I had a good laugh about it afterwards, but I was a little shaken to say the least. I shaved this morning.
TL;DR: Not shaving makes you a meth head
scottishidiot: Fucking hell, you guys really need to sort out this police state thing.
johnnywacko: Oh please. The cop made an honest mistake and owned up to it and joked with OP about it. He didnt drag him into jail and whatever else your imagination is adding to the story.
pupton_sinclair: Yeah, it wasn't a big deal. We both laughed afterwards. I think the couple of folks at the stop with me overheard and cracked a smile when I came to sit down.
PlentyofFishinthePee: It's still fucked up beyond belief. "You're gonna have to come with me" because you were scratching yourself non-sexually? That's not probably cause.
Omnipotence456: Yeah, i mean, even if you *had* been on drugs, currently being on drugs is not illegal. It's possession that's illegal.
PlentyofFishinthePee: Public intoxication is illegal, and I imagine being high would count. But you would have to be disruptive.
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1406141896 | 1406142712 | t3_2birkk | t5_2to41 | 5 | deptford: TIFU by intimidating a colleague at work and losing my temper
So I work in the public sector and we have fuckloads of meetings. These require internal rooms to be booked. Anyway there was a meeting in a room that I had booked before my scheduled meeting and it over ran causing my meeting to be held up. I confronted the person who was responsible for that meeting and the conversation went like
Me: You're meeting over ran
Him: No, we had the room booked until...blah blah blah
Me: Get out of my face
Anyway......I walked away but could overhear him recounting his version of the story to some of his team. He then called me out publicly by shouting that I was rude
I lost it and got up in his face. No violence took place, but I was ready to ball up my fists and pound
I now feel like shit. I totally overreacted....but that guy ran his mouth too.
TIFU by intimidating a colleague at work and losing my temper
The past two days have been total shit.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bdlp4/tifu_by_letting_my_missing_my_vital_medical/
TenaciousVitaminD: Yeah.. as much as it sucks you need to avoid any violent outbursts or aggression. It's fine to have a heated conversation/argument, but there is a mature way to do that. But I agree with you, I can't stand people like that.
deptford: Yes. I can be a hot head...I am not condoning my behaviour because it is straight TIFU. The guy ran his mouth because he felt secure in the workplace. They say bad luck comes in threes, let's see what happens tomorrow. And yes, I should have handled it more maturely.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406140811 | 1406391524 | t3_2bipeg | t5_2to41 | 55 | thelirivalley: TIFU by pretending a fake plastic gun was real
This happened a few years ago but I felt like it was a worthy story to share.
It was the morning of my 18th Birthday and my best friends and I had planned to have a joint birthday party. His birthday is literally the day before mine so on my birthday we rolled them together to have a grand ole’ shindig. The day of the party we had to run a few errands last of which was picking up a few cases of pop for the party. So around 3 in the afternoon a few hours before the party started we stopped off at the super market grabbed a few cases of pop.
It’s important to note that we are not the most popular kids, we enjoyed video games and role-playing games and we live in a small town thus my mind is rarely mischievous, so when I decided to stop off in the dollar store next to the super market for some kiddy party favours as “gag” gifts for the attendees there wasn’t any forward thought put into my actions. We grabbed a bunch of bouncy balls and dollar store toys for the guests and for whatever reason I also bought myself a relatively real looking fake plastic gun – the one that fires caps and has a bright red tip.
So we loaded up the trunk with our purchases as well as the pop and I kept the gun in the front seat with me. After a short while I decided to show my friend how you can make a fake gun look extra real by simply cracking off the Red Tip that the cap gun had and to his surprise I removed it with relative ease without breaking the barrel of the gun. As we pulled up to a red light with cars on either side of us I decided to do something very stupid. For whatever reason I decided to demonstrate that the gun looked real by creating a tableau between him (who was driving the car) and myself depicting me forcing him to drive at gunpoint. He played along putting his hand up and looking scared and I mouthed the words, “ I will fucking kill you.” When the light turned green, we laughed it off and I through the gun to the floor.
Now anyone reading this knows what happened next, however for whatever reason there was no fathomable possibility to us why a cop car could be tailing us however after a few short minutes it seemed as though a police cruiser was on us. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 cause now it’s clear as day.
As we drove down the street said cop car pulled a U-turn behind us and started following. My friend jokingly said that they’re out to get us – referencing our “bad boy” demeanour which is non-existent. Then shortly after we saw another cop car pass us quickly, and a split second later at the cusp of the street bend ahead another cop car comes racing around the corner, this time directly at us.
My friend slams on the breaks and before we can understand what the hell is going on the police cruiser has pulled off in front of us in our path, the cop is out his door with gun drawn and yelling at us to put our “fucking hand in the air.” A split second later a fourth police cruiser comes from a side street up alongside the driver’s side window – again police officer hopping out instantly and drawing his gun. The two cars that were tailing us are now out and guns drawn. The tension is quickly offset by the fact that “Play that funky Music White boy” is blaring on the radio and I can barely tell what’s happening.
Seconds which felt like minutes have passed before I realize that my friend is screaming at me to put up my fucking hands since as of that moment I still had not moved. My hands shot up faster than light and after a few seconds they ask me to undo my seat-belt and get out of the car. Luckily I took a second to think over the speed at which I would go to my seat-belt because my thinking now is that had I done it in an aggressive manor I may not be alive today, but slowly and surely I unbuckled my seat belt and exited the car.
I was asked to back up towards an unseen officer, told to kneel, handcuffed and laid flat on my chest. In the back of the police cruiser, the events are replaying in my head because at this point I still have NO IDEA why we were pulled over. For whatever reason, I suppose the sheer meaninglessness of the act I pretended to mimic, did not come into my head. As they searched the car I heard the police officer say after a few short minutes, “It’s a fucking toy.”
When I get nervous or scared or really any sort of excitement I get happy. For whatever reason I had the biggest grin on my face and looking over to my friend who was in a different cruisers back seat, his face white as a ghost must’ve been so confused by the shit eating grin on mine. After a short while they let us out and asked us some questions; mainly why the fuck we had the gun. I explained my stupidity but it was questioned many times as it just didn’t make sense, why the hell would I have done that. Well I don’t know.
Finally they allowed us to go back to our vehicle and as I passed the officers one asked if we should have the gun back, to which a female officer replied, “No clearly they are not mature enough.” Which, for the most part I tend to agree with.
Needless to say we had a good story during our party a few hours later.
TL;DR I've looked down the barrel of a drawn gun and laughed absentmindedly
Norm984: LITERALLY the day before mine.
thelirivalley: It is literally the day before mine.
Norm984: literally.
thelirivalley: Yes. As is in LITERALLY; exactly, precisely, actually, really, truly. May 30th 1988 and May 31st 1988.
You are figuratively a moron.
Norm984: FIGURATIVELY.
thelirivalley: Are you retarded?
Norm984: Says the guy who almost got shot by the cops over a fake gun and uses big words unnecessary/incorrectly.
if I am, that'd probably make you a vegetable.
thelirivalley: Does it make you feel like a big man coming into "Today I Fucked Up," and calling people idiots in regards to their self admitted mistakes.
Go fuck yourself.
Norm984: youuu called meee a retard x) I never called you an idiot.
unbunch your panties, darling.
| 10 | 5.5 | |
1406142740 | 1406146057 | t3_2bitbm | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by logging in to my former coworker's email
Some years ago, I got a job as an editor at a big regional magazine publisher. It was my first "major" job, and just a step up from being a reporter. I didn't know any better at the time, but the management treated its employees terribly and paid even worse.
But I genuinely liked my colleagues and we struggled through the b.s. and bad pay together. I wasn't the perfect editor, but I worked hard and gained a ton of experience that enabled me to land a much much better position about 18 months ago.
I left amicably and was still pretty friendly with my former coworkers after that. Two of them had gone to college with me and I considered them decent though distant friends.
It was a good time to move on, since the company seemed to be floundering and doing shady things like purposefully editing black people out of photos, or outsourcing work to India rather than hiring a local designer -- despite building a whole business on "being a resource for the local community." I recently heard rumors about management mandating non-compete contracts so employees couldn't do freelance, and banning work-from-home days.
So I got curious and decided to snoop.
**Never snoop.**
To my knowledge everyone had the same exact boring email password. Were they ever changed? Let's find out! Nope, they're still the same and the generic editor email account I used now belongs to someone else. I looked through a few things, searching for keywords like "layoffs," "fired," "non-compete" etc and found pretty much everything I was looking for. The company still sucked and appeared to only be getting worse.
Then I fucked up by searching for my own name. Just out of curiosity.
Pages upon pages of chat archives from my coworkers (and former college friends) talking about me, spread out from early 2013 all the way until last month. Posting my tweets in chats and laughing about them, making fun of my husband, laughing about some misfortunes I was going through, and more. A lot of the conversations were on days where we had perfectly pleasant conversations on social media.
Some choice quotes:
* "Jawntopofoldsmoky is so fucking stupid. I hate her, I HATE HER"
* "She's such a stupid self-absorbed cunt"
* "Well you can take solace in the fact no one genuinely likes her except her weird-ass boyfriend."
* "She's always been such a condescending asshole about relationships just because her boyfriend could afford an engagement ring"
* "How the hell did she get her job at [redacted]? Ugh fuck that girl" "I don't know, but you should use her to get a job there and then never talk to her."
* "She thinks she's so high and mighty because she's in an interracial relationship. I did that shit years before her. You're not special."
I'm still deciding whether to do anything about it besides block them from everything and never talk to them again.
**TL;DR: I logged in to my old work email and saw some Mean Girls shit from people I thought were friends/friendly. Now I'm even more grateful that I love my current job and work with people who don't seem to hate me.**
[deleted]: Copy ALL that stuff, send it to the "asshole" management and say "This is why your magazine is failing. Your employees are busy gossiping all the time instead of working"
When they get fired, contact them and say "what has two thumbs and got you fired? THIS GIRL!"
StrewwelChris: You really don't want to admit to a company that you accessed their e-mail system without authorization.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1406142974 | 1406312571 | t3_2bitu2 | t5_2to41 | 1,266 | blitzkreeger: TIFU by commenting on someone's browser ads
I helped a young lady with a computer problem in a coffee shop this morning (couldn't login to school site to upload files); in the process I couldn't help but notice all her google ads (targeted based on her search history) were of jewelry, especially engagement rings. I should have not said anything, but to get her website issue to work I had to delete her cache, history, and cookies. She asked "will that change anything," I said she may have to re-enter login information on some sites and "you won't be getting all those jewelry ads popping up anymore." She says "What do you mean?", I explained how targeted ads work and that google just knows she has been ring shopping. She says, with a strange surprised and happy look "This is my boyfriend's laptop." Very awkward after that, as I tried to finish helping her upload files and tried to not think about potentially ruining her boyfriend's engagement plans while she began to daydream in what I can only imagine was the start of wedding planning.
tldr: Being an over-explaining techie I may have ruined a couple's surprise engagement. I failed my fellow man today.
Uhhhhdel: Dude, her boyfriend is going to get such an enthusiastic blowjob the next time she has the chance to give him one. I think you are OK karma wise.
johnnywacko: Any computer techs want to help me trick gf into giving me awesome bj?
Pawlucus: turn it off and on again, if that doesn't work try updating its drivers. If it still doesn't work, it might be a hardware issue, you could try to replace the broken components but it would probably be easier to just by a new one.
johnnywacko: Didn't work. No bj.
jahannan: Are you certain it's plugged in?
BeowulfShaeffer: Sounds like it's not turned on.
[deleted]: badum tiss
[deleted]: needs more 'ssssss^sssss^ssss'
[deleted]: wish i could give you more than one karma, lol
| 10 | 126.6 | |
1406143539 | 1406169227 | t3_2biv10 | t5_2to41 | 41 | thatwasyiz: TIFU by making my husband gargle my son's piss
My husband, son, and I were driving down to Florida for our family vacation. My husband and I had taken turns driving but for the last several hours he was the one driving. As many of you know, being on the road that long really messes with your mind and since we were in the final stretch of our road trip, we were both pretty brain dead.
There was about 3 hours left and we had left the rest stop about two hours ago. This was when my 5 year old son started whining that he needed to go to the bathroom. At this point I just wanted to get there already and not make another stop before we did. Instead of making a stop, I grabbed the nearest container and told my son to pee in it. The bottle that just so happened to be by the shotgun seat was a Listerine mouthwash bottle. My son did his business in it and I put it back where I took it from.
After that I dozed off for a little while until we were nearing the hotel. When I woke up I completely forgot about what happened to the bottle and my husband had not even been aware of the pee transaction from earlier. After a long ride our breaths were kind of unpleasant so my husband asked me for the mouthwash. I handed it to him and neither of us noticed the blue mouthwash had a greenish hue.
Well my husband took big ol a swig of the gross mixture and after swishing it around in his mouth, he suddenly had a quizzical look on his face. That is when I realized...oh shit. I told him and he pretty much retched the mouthwash/piss out. I do feel really bad but looks like the mouthwash didn't do much washing after all.
TL;DR: I gave my son the mouthwash bottle to urinate in, I forgot and handed the pissy mouthwash to husband, husband gargles son's piss.
PS. Good thing you don't swallow mouthwash
alidra47: Why was mouthwash out in a cup holder?
FuckinUpMyZoom: why would you use a bottle that wasn't fucking empty?
alidra47: that too
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1406143860 | 1406145515 | t3_2bivnv | t5_2to41 | 33 | AccidentalRebel72: TIFU by adjusting my junk.
So I just came out of the restroom and into the living room. I realized I needed to adjust the nads so I stick my hand all the way into my pants to do so. I turn to hop on the couch and I see them: a grown woman and three small children, all looking directly at me, with my hand down my pants, me without a shirt on (MY HOUSE), and we're watching each other through the large window.
I ask my sister (who's upstairs) why there are strangers in our backyard. She says they're gonna go fishing. (We live in the country and people sometimes fish in our pond).
Five minutes have passed and they haven't gone fishing yet. Instead they're jumping on the trampoline right outside my window. I still haven't put on a shirt. It's MY territory
TL;DR: Adjusted junk in front of woman and three kids, they're currently jumping on my trampoline. WTF???
EDIT: The kids are now screaming at the top of their lungs to the sky. Ah, the peaceful country
Thrice_Born: You should run outside toward them, screaming that the penis parasite has devoured your hand and only they can save you. Then start bawling.
AccidentalRebel72: I believe most of you are thinking of some kind of porn. One involving trampolines, a MILF, and three VERY underage children. Don't you just love Reddit?
Thrice_Born: It never ceases to amaze me
AccidentalRebel72: Btw, just start *balling*
FTFY
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1406142503 | 1406160766 | t3_2bisva | t5_2to41 | 11 | annamaerys: TIFU by NOT entering the Empire State Building
Okay, dear redditors, please do not judge me harshly, this is my first TIFU, and I’d like to think it is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done (with maybe the small exception of one time when I tried to wear my laptop case as a slipper… it was dark.) It actually happened a year ago when I was in the US with my boyfriend (we’re European).
So, at the end of summer we decided to spend a couple of days in the great city of New York, get some culture in, you know the drill. Everything was great and we had an awesome time in Manhattan. In the evening, we had a nice dinner at a place called Villa dela Pace, and from then we had to go to the Empire State Building.
Being the meticulous planner that I am, I had checked how many streets we need to pass to get there, Manhattan is easy enough to navigate. In my mind, it would take us about 30 minutes to get there, so we decided to walk and see the city at night.
It was all going pretty well until at one point my boyfriend decided he could see the Empire State among the other buildings. I couldn’t (I’m 5’ 1), but decided to trust him – so we stopped counting streets and stuck to his vision. I got quite suspicious when I realized we had been walking for more than 40 minutes, but I chalked it down to my own miscalculations.
When we finally got there – guess what. It was empty, not a soul around. “That’s weird,” I thought, because I read that the ESB is open all year round, no matter the weather, and it was just past 22h. I expected huge lines of other tourists like us or sentimental New Yorkers. But there was no one.
We entered the building carefully, feeling like we’re trespassing and, surely enough, some guards greeted us from afar to say they’re closed. Then I told them their website said they’d be working all year-round, and one of the guards replied “This is an office building, Miss.” Just as an embarrassing conclusion was dawning on me he added “This is the Chrysler Building.”
…I did manage to ask him if a lot of people make this mistake before we ran outside dripping with shame. He said yes.
ispankpineapples: dont know how late 22hrs is but i mean shit they are both less than a mile or so away from each other so you could probably have still walked back and seen it at least.
Quinnmon: You honestly cannot be joking
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406150601 | 1406161214 | t3_2bis5d | t5_2to41 | 6 | ARSeM: I'm from germany, so I'm not a native speaker, if that counts as an excuse. This is actually the first time ever I'm making the same mistake 3 times in a single text.
And c'mon, my writing is not THAT bad, isn't it?
thelittlesignal: No you're writing is fine and as we only have grade k through twelve in the US, they should have realized you were from a different country with your talk of grade 13. Good luck. I imagine you're mom will eventually get over it and understand your decision.
convolute: Did you write you're on purpose? Haha
thelittlesignal: Of course.....I wasn't distracted by Reno 911 at all....
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406145107 | 1406175695 | t3_2biy49 | t5_2to41 | 38 | rockfrawg: TIFU by offering a ride to a friend too drunk to drive
So…after our weekly Tuesday softball league, we run out of beer and Coach and I decided to crash a couple other gatherings down the way in the parking lot in search of beer. Bigman follows. A decision he’ll regret the next morning. We meet up with friends. Beers are not easy to find, but I found one. Bigman found the Fireball. He takes a pretty good pull off of it and passes to me, I do the same. He questions my manhood for the length of drink I take, takes the bottle back and takes another pretty good pull and then passes it on to whomever. I shoot the shit with a few people from this group, telling and listening to stories, lies and exaggerations.
After a bit I notice Coach has wandered off to go say hello to the next group so I followed. We talk to them for a bit, then Coach has to leave. Good decision. I walk back to the first group just in time to see Bigman one upping a guy in a drink off…more Fireball…A LOT more Fireball. He drank about a third of the bottle all at once to finish it off. Back to story time with this first group, catching up with old friends and making new ones. It didn’t take long before the big idiot was stumbling around. I think he almost fell and crushed a girl or small child and that’s when we decided it was time for him to go. I was trying to video this but I’m retarded and had not hit the go button. Fail. I missed videoing GOLD, up to and including Bigman absolutely destroying his “ZYXs”. I apologize for my stupidity.
It was around this point that I volunteered to take him home. Bad decision? Depends. I tried videoing one more time, which ended with him swatting my phone out of my hand smashing it into the concrete. It survived. I didn’t have to leave him there. I went to get my truck so we could try to wrangle him in, because there was no way he was walking all the way across the parking lot. Two friends get him to the truck while I take video. He probably weighs as much as the two of them combined, but he’s there, and the struggle begins.
I’m not sure where he thought he was going, or where he thought he needed to be, but he didn’t want to get in the truck. I had him trapped in the open door, myself holding onto the door frame of the open window with my right hand and the roof rack with my left. He was very insistent that he needed to be somewhere. We got him in briefly, but didn’t get the door closed before he stepped out. We tried to push him back in but he was having none of it and started swinging at us. Up until this point we had been playing savior, and speaking in niceties. It was time for a new method, so I yelled at him, “BIGMAN, there is no one here that gives a shit about you. You’re just the evening’s entertainment and everyone here will be happy to leave you here when they’re done laughing. Get in the fucking truck!” At this point I become his best friend. He repeatedly tells me he loves me, and I think tried to kiss me at one point. He managed to put himself in the passenger seat and we closed the door.
I quickly said my goodbyes to everyone and we were off; heading to wherever Bigman lives, which is an unknown destination for me. I just assumed I’d at least be able to get an address or directions out of him. Wrong. It did start off well though, as we were leaving I asked, “Bigman, where do you live?” “Right.” So I turned right out of the softball place, which seemed correct. That was about all we got. Just after we passed the first intersection he said again, “Right.” “These apartments right here?” “Right.” So I turned into some random apartments behind a Taco Bueno. “What number Bigman?” “shthreeonefivosevethrees”. Shit. After repeated inquiries I was able to ascertain what I thought was “3103”. There were definitely four digits. The apartments we were in only had three digit buildings. “Bigman, are these your apartments? Open your eyes and tell me if you live here.” “Right.” “Bigman, do you live here?!?” “Right.” Shit. I’ve brought this upon myself making fun of Coach earlier in the day for not knowing his right from left. Pretty much the only word to come out of him from this point on was “Right.” Repeatedly.
To the best of my knowledge Bigman lives near HWY & Sidestreet. I head that way. During this journey Bigman decides it’ll be fun to start hitting things. Radio, A/C, dash, console, driver, steering wheel…nothing was off limits, and nothing was out of reach for the 6'4" behemoth in the passenger seat. I’ve never realized how small the inside of my truck is. I try to corral his arms, which just angers him more. He ninja chops me in the throat, then grabs the steering wheel and pulls. My reaction was mostly just reflex, so I don’t remember if I threw a straight right or hammer fist, but it landed square on his top lip. Out cold. Sorry Bigman, you’re endangering us both now, I had to. Blissful peace and quiet.
Phone calls begin. Call Coach. No answer. Call Coach some more. No answer. Call Coach's wife. No answer. Call Bigman's bestie…repeatedly. No answer. Call D. No answer. Call N…ANSWER! He has no idea where Bigman lives. Shit. Go back to sleep N. Call R…ANSWER! And he knows where Bigman lives! Or so he thought. He directed me to some apartments at A Blvd and F Rd. I make my way in.
This might be where he lives now, but [spoiler](/s "I’ll not figure this out tonight"). Bigman is “conscious” again. I make a lap around the apartments looking for “3103”. We’re better off than before, at least this place has four digits, but all the buildings I saw in the first pass start with “4”. Shit.
I pull over against the curb with a grassy area next to the dumpster and try to make Bigman coherent. Not happening. Then I realize the truck is starting to smell like Fireball. Oh shit, he’s puking. I try to push him towards the window. It doesn’t work. I get out and go around to open the passenger door. He’s thrown up all over himself, literally head to toe, with more to come. I undo his seatbelt and get him mostly leaned out of the truck. So much puke. MOST of it is exiting the vehicle, but not all. There seems to be a break at which point I am able to get him out of the vehicle. He pretty much fell out landing halfway on the concrete and face first in the grass. No more puke in my truck. Good.
I leave him to do his business and try to find my phone. Call Bigman's bestie some more. Still no answer. Shit. Go back to check on Bigman. He’s purple. His entire head is purple. FUCKING PURPLE. Not breathing. FUCK. What’s the number for 911? Roll him onto his side and start hitting him in the back. Fingers in the mouth to clear his throat. Gross. Hit him in the back some more. Nothing. Sit him up, get down on my knees behind him and pull a couple of Heimlichs into his chest. Giant puke bubble rolls out, down his chin, shirt, my arm, etc. and I finally feel him take a breath. Fuck this. I’m officially over this adventure. Bigman, it looks like you’re sleeping in the back of my truck tonite.
I roll his legs out from under the truck so I can pull forward to get the bed of the truck closer. Watching carefully I try to pull forward. He rolls back under the truck. Now there’s an arm in front of the front tire, and legs between the front and back tires. I jam his right arm into the collar of his shirt so it doesn’t get loose again, and roll his legs onto the curb with the rest of him. I give him a wide berth, pull past, align the truck and back up.
Now I’ve got to get 300lb dead weight Bigman into the bed by myself. People are watching at this point. Anyone driving by probably thinks I’m trying to dispose of this body in the dumpster. It was not an easy task but somehow I managed to get the top half of him on the tailgate. From there it was just a matter of picking up his legs and shoving all of him into the bed, enough at least to close the tailgate. I made sure he was on his side for the ride home so I didn’t end up with another purple Bigman. A quick trip down HWY and I got home without incident.
I gave him a vomit towel pillow, opened the tailgate and enjoyed a few nice cold jack ‘n cokes with the neighbor before passing the F out. He was still there this morning. I think he had pissed himself, but it might’ve been spilled cooler water. Not sure. Call softball park and they answered, and told me “Yes, the gates are open.” Returned him to his truck and made it to work only a little bit later than I did yesterday.
The end.
TL;DR - tried to give a drunk friend a ride home, couldnt find his place, he threw up in my truck, almost died by choking on his own vomit and ended up sleeping in the bed of the truck at my house
revenge-dough: Great story but I hope that he paid to clean the vomit out of your car. That smell stays for weeks.
rockfrawg: It actually mostly ended up on his clothes and only plastic parts of the truck, the latter of which wiped down easily with 409 and some paper towels, but he did offer today when I talked to him to have the truck detailed.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1406146423 | 1406153235 | t3_2bj0t0 | t5_2to41 | 13 | sonicboredom: TIFU by being a bad human being.
It happened monday, but thats ok.
It was a typical monday, waking up really late, heading up to the the bath and baking some cookies to start the day. That being said, I did nothing but hang on the computer and watching the news. And that the shit happens: I find out a guy that had picked up a fight with me years ago (and ran away with his fuck face friends) just died on a car accident. First thing I did was laugh. Not a big laugh, but a "haha" one. And then, the shitstorm: Wtf was I doing? I didnt like the guy, he was a jerk and deserved to be beaten down quite a few times, but death was quite harsh. I feel bad for his death, bad for laughing at it, bad by being an asshole.
My head is quite messy right now. I try to be a better person everyday, I fail often, but this week was a huge fail.
I know its not funny and I'm sorry, but it was a fuck up, wasnt it?
MsCrazyCatLady: I don't think you're a bad person, a bad person wouldn't feel the remorse you're feeling. Chin up friend; I suspect you really are a better person each day :)
sonicboredom: thank you.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1406148544 | 1406198539 | t3_2bj4zo | t5_2to41 | 329 | PM_THOSE_TITTIES: TIFU By cleaning out my butthole
It was actually last week but oh well. I posted this elsewhere and realized it fit here.
Backtrack to about 2 months ago: I have a bad sunburn on my back that keeps irritating me. My SO's mother recommends I try putting aloe vera gel on it. I lay that shit on thick and rub it in good. Next thing I know my back is on fire. I mean fucking itching, scorching, burning on fire. I shower off for about an hour and put some numbing shit on it, take a bunch of benedryl and go to sleep. Turns out I'm allergic to aloe vera.
Fast forward to last week. I had chipotle two days in a row. The shits I'm taking are hot and stingy like no other. I'm talking full on mud slide half hour shits about 4 or 5 times a day. Well, on day three of my chipotle shit festival my asshole was so fucking sore and itchy. It burned like hell and I couldn't stand to walk around with it anymore. I was at my SO's house at this point and remembered that they had this soothing soap they used in their shower. I thought, hey why not, I'm gonna have to shower this asshole off anyway.
I hop in and get to it. Got the soap and started applying it to my lava asshole. Immediately I feel some real bad stinging pain. Fuck. The soap had aloe vera in it. My dumbass didn't think about it with the amount of fire coming out my ass. It burned deep in my asshole. I bent over and spread my cheeks towards the shower water in hopes that it might feel better. It didn't help much. I ended up using that numbing shit that I used on my back before to calm my ass down.
With a numb asshole, I took a few benedryl and checked out the damage before going to sleep. There were a bunch of red bumps in my ass and it still stung pretty bad. I had bloody shits for a couple days after. It seems to be fine now, but dear god was that a sting I never want again.
TL;DR - I'm allergic to aloe vera, washed out my asshole with aloe vera soap, stung like a motherfucker and bled for a little while.
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: You numb ass.
Accountw0t: Nice.
AdamSandlerrr: Noice.
domcondone: Nice
| 5 | 65.8 | |
1406150653 | 1406151589 | t3_2bj8vk | t5_2to41 | 2 | fingerthebabysitter: TIFU by almost fingering the baby... (well read my name) NSFW
Foreigncarwhipper: Wait so you touched kay and she didnt stop you?
HellkittyAnarchy: Because she liked it
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406151494 | 1406154198 | t3_2bjahg | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU--first time ever!!!
saviorlito: Um, congrats on entering clam land. Please keep your penis in at all times.
justastocksrt4: Except when needing to pull out
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406143501 | 1406164864 | t3_2biuya | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU when I farted louder than a trumpet in a crowded area.
I always get quite gassy when I have any type of sugar, especially ice cream, but I love it too much to not eat it. Today I go to Cold Stone Creamery and get a giant ice cream cone with oreos mixed in. Yummm! My wife and I went to sit down on some granite benches and finish eating. While I was eating I had the urge to pass gas so I figured I would lean forward just to silently release the beast. There was something about the physics of that stone bench and the position I was in because when I finally farted it was so loud that it echoed in an area where there were about 15 other people outside the shop. Everyone instantly looked over my way and started chuckling. My wife was laughing so hard that with her weak bladder she peed herself which, only made her laugh harder. It didn't even smell, but wow, what a blaring trumpet of a sound it made.
TIFU by farting so loud it echoed while we were surrounded by strangers and made my wife pee herself from laughing so hard at my accomplishment.
echo2112: My wife, who is gassy herself, is a connoisseur of fart jokes. When I read your story to her, she laughed hysterically which caused her to "release the beast" which then made her laugh all the harder. Thanks for the comic relief!
PlacidPotato: Ha ha ha. Girls don't fart.
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1406149355 | 1406156507 | t3_2bj6hc | t5_2to41 | 25 | KamikazeErection: TIFU my tongue :(
Im gonna come right out and say this, I adore sour candies. I fucking LOVE THEM. So a few days ago I bought a big bag of assorted sour deliciousness and proceeded to plunder it like a pirate womans ass. Ive been enjoying warheads, sour patch kids, sour chewing gum, but now ive finally got to my favorite part, the jumbo extra sour jawbreakers.
Today ive consumed three of these acidic monstrosities but on the third I noticed a distinct coppery taste. *hmmm* says my brain *oh well, omnomnom candy* then an insane burning sensation on my tongue followed by what I knew was a large amount of blood. I ran to the sink and spit a mouthfull of blood that just never stops. I looked like a horror movie rejected for being too gorey. My tongue finally stopped dripping blood a few minutes ago. The entire surface of my tongue is just raw, ragged tonguemeat and all I taste is pain and regret. HALP.
HondaGirlMN: Reminds me of this
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=l7nUIAROsl0
KamikazeErection: That poor man :( warheads are nothing compared to these though.
ajaytech: ...
where'd you buy them?
KamikazeErection: The candy stand at the mall, the jawbreakers are called screaming sours or something along those lines
| 5 | 5 | |
1406149819 | 1406153684 | t3_2bj7c2 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening youporn.com in front of girlfriend instead of youtube.com (NSFW)
Was going to show here a cute little video I recently saw on Youtube but accidentally showed her something from a much riskier site. I bet I'm not the only one that has done this.
Shit happens I guess
[deleted]: And if she was actually mad, I think you need a new girlfriend.
HondaGirlMN: I agree.
| 3 | 6 | |
1406153076 | 1406227112 | t3_2bjdd1 | t5_2to41 | 29 | ligyron: TIFU by putting razor blades on my cat's nails
So, i have an outdoor cat and it's been getting beat up lately when it goes outside. it's not fun watching your cat who you raised from birth get his ass handed to him.
Since he enjoys going outside, and i don't want to turn him into an indoor cat, and training him to fight isn't really an option, i picked up some of those plastic nail caps for cats and cut off the corners of some razor blades and glued them to the caps of his front paws and sent him on his way.
The next morning he comes back with bloody paws. my first reaction was i thought he hurt himself so i removed the caps right away and inspected him but he was fine.
Turns out, he *fucked up* two big cats that belong to my new neighbour a few houses across the street who moved in a couple months ago. they are both at the vet now and i feel kind of bad.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Don't be upset at all. Your cat won't get picked on anymore. For all you know, the cats kicking his ass were strays.
[deleted]: How does that make it okay if they were strays? A stray cat is just an abandoned cat or the offspring of an abandoned cat.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: It's not, I'm just saying its not like he put the razors on his cat with intentions to fuck the *neighbors* cat up which is why he fells badly. This would be a slightly different post if the cats that were cut up were strays.
[deleted]: He put razors on his cat with intentions to fuck up some cat. He has no business owning any pets. If he didn't want his cat to be hurt then he shouldn't have let it roam outside.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Never said any of it was a good idea, and I agree with the last two comments completely.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1406149404 | 1406180185 | t3_2bj6k3 | t5_2to41 | 28 | backinthemotherland: TIFU by bragging about a massage I got in Asia [NSFW]
As you may know it is summer -- the time for vacation and whatnot. Well my family took an excursion to Vietnam, my parents' birthplace, before I would enter university.
We were under my grandparents hospitality and went out quite often with my uncles/aunts. However, they soon returned to work and we were left pretty bored.
Luckily, my dad brought our tennis gear over and we challenged some locals; after stomping a few pairs we finally lost (dad's back started hurting). The people there suggested going to get a massage by the hotel nearby for like 6 bucks.
So we start walking and we are sweating like pigs due to the humidity and my dad says, "don't tell anybody that we get massah" and naive me thinks, "why?" We go into a sauna and sweat our asses off even more and then take showers. This guy then gives us loose shorts and robes to change into and escorts us to separate rooms.
So I am just sitting there on the massage bed attempting to read Vietnamese captions of the pictures on the walls and here I am expecting hot rocks on my back or some shit...
The hottest Vietnamese masseuse comes in ("now I know why dad"). She was a 10/10 long legs, light skin, clean face, nice side bangs and hair overall...
She takes off my robe, lays me on my belly and sits on my thighs while massaging my back with her soft hair brushing against it too. I was thinking if this was actually happening to me irl. She thought I was cute because of my horrible Vietnamese and she usually gets clients twice or three times her age; she is 19. Well she flipped me over and she sat on my stomach and started massaging my shoulders, with her face like an inch away from mine.
I always thought that happy endings were myths.. She got off of me and got some lube and we all know what happened next.
Did I say I had a gf? Oops. I was going by the motto whatever happens in Asia stays in Asia. Too bad I have a big mouth. I didn't even know this would happen; go with the flow. It is the dream of any other 17 year old. Even a priest wouldn't turn this down...10/10 lol
I told two of my best friends what happened and they didn't believe me/ were shocked and I know they would never tell anyone, specifically her.
When I came home to the states two days ago, I immediately went to hang out with my two other friends(family friends as well)that I have known for considerably a long amount of time. Let's call them "V" and "Z" and my ex "X"(creative huh?). I told V and Z what happened and they are kinda weird but I thought they could keep a secret/ I didn't expect them to believe me in the first place anyway. Z also has a brother, let's call him "Y"
Well let's have some details on the relationship. X and I were going out for about 30 months but I had already lost feelings for her about 6 months ago, during the second semester of senior year. She just didn't make me happy anymore. We had a lot of fights about other girls due to jealousy and I have lost many friends because of this.. In my opinion, she was very very clingy, because she cared a lot for me too I guess. It just went too far though, even after several talks. I might have even felt rebellious and free being in another country.
X was pretty volatile and many thought we should've broken up a long long time ago but we got through. I wanted to so many times to split but I was so scared of being alone.. I know it was douchey but I also cared for her deep deep down.
Anyway, back to the main fuck up. Z ended up telling Y and then Y invited me to go eat with V and Z. I show up and X was there and we had a little talk that ended with a slap. I doubt I will be talking to V,Y, or Z anymore.
X usually writes things about me on Facebook indirectly to show that I'm not being the perfect bf. She recently blocked me and wrote a giant wall of text about how I am a big cheater just to put me down and I am now hated by many of her friends and mutual friends..
So...I done goofed pretty hard. I don't think she had to write that wall of text for everyone to see; a breakup is a breakup. This only happens in high school... Big lesson learned from my first real relationship. Well at least I'm going to college. TIFU
tl;dr Got a handy from a hot masseuse while visiting Vietnam. Told a few friends and led to a bad breakup. Ex proceeded to write giant wall of text and I am now hated by many.
Jcashed: So this was probably the most confusing thing I've read all day. Why the fuck would you care what an ex thinks?
-Isaac: Right? The letters for his friends confused me too.
eeldraw: Y would you V confused about Z letters? We should X the OP to make up real names.
| 4 | 7 | |
1406135272 | 1406217504 | t3_2biee6 | t5_2to41 | 19 | UnmotivationalSpeakr: TIFU by sending the punchline of a dark humor joke to a girl I'm trying to get to know better
Obligatory "didn't actually happen today".
So a new found friend and I were sending horrible jokes to each other. Everything from the innocent dead baby jokes to the most fucked up pedophilia jokes. Anyways, at the same time I'm also having a conversation with a girl. I wasn't necessarily interested in her, but I was trying to get to know her better.
"Hey Gabe do you know why I was banned from eBay?". Some time went by and I decided to just send the punchline instead of waiting for his acknowledgement. Unfortunately while I was waiting I had probably texted the aforementioned girl so I sent the punchline to her without even looking at the name of the person I was sending this to.
Some time goes by and my friend responds asking why. At this point I'm thinking something is off because I could have sworn I sent the punchline to him. OhShitOhShitOhShit. It turns out that "Apparently a pvc pipe and a hungry rat does not constitute a do-it-yourself abortion kit." is not something you want to send to a girl. Worse yet it turns out she is very much so pro-life.
This was actually a few months ago. I apologized immediately and she was upset for awhile, but we eventually got past it. We're now very good platonic friends. Let this show fellow fuck ups, don't give up. It's never too late to stop and start fixing things rather than continue on a streak of fucking up.
CautiousTuna: I could just imagine receiving a text with that line. Magical.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: This would be way better, because then you'd have all the imagination in the world to find out what the lead-up was.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1406155774 | 1406163370 | t3_2bji5c | t5_2to41 | 4 | luka-: Tifu by dropping my razor
So on a normal day I just take a shower and go on with my day today no I got inv the shower and brought my razor blade on the floor making noise my aunt came and asked if I was okay I said yes but. I think she saw my blade on da floor. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions
JonasBrosSuck: [wat](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/2727748211/c3d0981ae770f926eedf4eda7505b006.jpeg)
Jimmyjim12: Secondededed
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406156291 | 1406263362 | t3_2bjj0v | t5_2to41 | 152 | SLUzer07: TIFU by not understanding a common idiom
Another this-didnt-happen-today-but-ill-share-anyway TIFU. I was in college and visiting my girlfriend at the time's family. I had met them a few times before and I guess they thought I was fine and/or tolerable enough to be dating their daughter. Anyway were out to dinner with her parents and siblings and we're ordering food. We each make our rounds ordering. By the time its my girlfriend's turn, I notice she didn't ask to have her sauce on the side (the restaurant usually overdoes it and it kind ruins the sandwich). So I perk up and go "hey, don't forget to get the sauce on the side!" She's happy I saved her sandwich from certain doom and thanks me.. So I say "I just know you hate when they over do it with the sauce." she says how she's happy I listen to her and pay attention to that stuff. I now look great in front of her family.. until..
Until I decide to say "its not that I listen.. Its just that I know you, like, in the biblical sense." Dead. Silence. It could have stopped there, but I thought they either didnt get the joke or didnt hear it. so I reiterate while doing this kind of weird hand gesture to seem all mystical and ominous: "you know, I know you... biblically.." The blank stares continue until she pipes up with "Why are you talking about this..? do you know what youre saying??" and I explain "well yeah, to know someone biblically is to be so in tune with their soul and spirit you automatically know whats good for them... right?" Wrong. Her brother just snorts and everyone is clearly holding back laughing at me to be nice.. she just leans in and goes "I'll explain what you did later." 2 hrs later back home, she explains what it really means and that I just told her entire family we're having sex. Still feel like a dumbass to this day...
TL;DR I told my old girlfriend's family that I know her in the biblical sense thinking it just meant to know someone well. I was more than wrong.
MilkAndHoneyEU: Care to explain this for those of us who don't know either?
whitebean: It means to know her carnally.
Ya know.
Fuckin'.
qervem: You mean to tell me that those two individuals have engaged in the act of intercourse with each other?
SecondTalon: In the Bible, for example, it might say that Aaron knew Elisheba, his wife.
The interpretation is that Aaron and Elishabea were fuckin' like mad crazy so much that Aaron knew Elisheba's body as well as the back of his own hand, and vice versa. 'cause of all the fuckin'. So they knew each other.
Biblically.
Nine months after the knowing comes the begatting.
qervem: So the message you are trying to convey to me is that they have engaged in the act of coitus?
SecondTalon: Repeatedly and thoroughly.
qervem: W8, so dey did sum fuk?
SecondTalon: All the fuk
| 9 | 16.888889 | |
1406159163 | 1406161002 | t3_2bjnvk | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by starting a forest fire
This happened the other week but is still relevant and I wanna share it. Its worth the read.
So my good buddy john messages me asking if i want to have a little sesh, ya know, smoke a little reefer? He said he just picked up some really stinky bud. I'm down and the only thing I had to do was pick my younger brother up from school around 3 so i just left the house a little early and head over to pick up john.
Now let me lay down some details; john lives with his dad, who only recently started dating a woman from a few towns away. Shes in the midst of moving in with him, and she has a son (who is our age) and who is living with john for the time being.
Well call him scott, and scott is one ruggedy mother fucker. Hes a nice enough guy, but sketchy. Skinny and tatted up sketchy. Less than a year ago him and some of his friends from his town were trying to pick up some blow, got into an altercation with the dealer, and ended up storming his house with mace and baseball batts and beating the piss out of the guys holding up inside. Scott went to jail for a few nights and just got off parole. Neither me or john really dig having him around, he's pretty moochy, but hes new to the town and john is too nice to say he doesnt want him hanging with us, so we just say whatever. He's a nice guy and honestly seems like hes trying to turn his life around.
So heres where the fuck ups begin. We drive to this forest were familiar with, next to a small apartment building (where i parked) and embark into the woods with a bong, a grinder and a few nugs all in one of those nike string backpacks. Were casually smoking cigs as we walk down a lightly beaten trail and get in far enough to this isolated spot by a stream where theres an old beaten down car that we like to sit on and smoke. I have no clue how it got all the way in there because its some thick woods but its a pretty zen spot with a little stream, and theres no risk of getting caught in there.
We hit a few bong hits, talk about how to solve the worlds problems etc. john has some dank, there was purple hairs and it was covered in crystal. Three hits and I'm KO'd. I see its getting close to 3 so i say we should leave.
This is where things get weird. They're about to pack the bong up, scott always wants one more hit so were pushing time, when this older guy in a vest with sunglasses comes into view about 30 feet away. He sees us and we casually hide the bong but he just beelines away from us. Then, we hear sirens like from silent hill, or when theres an air strike coming. Were stoned as fuck and this is trippy. Lets get the fuck outta here.
So were walking out, all having an after toke cig, and right when get back to the slightly beaten path, i round the last corner before the parking lot when suddenly all i can see is flames. Oh, and theres a fucking firetruck! My buddy john quickly says "stomp out the cigs!" so we do cause it will look like were the culprits. At this point they can't see us and im thinking we should just turn around to avoid being mixed up in this and blamed, but then again if they did see us, they'll think we caused this, when it was clearly the sketchy guy we saw earlier in the woods.
So we walk down the path to the parking lot, all high as fuck, like those guys who just pulled off a heist in a bank and no one knows yet. John has a bong in his bag and other paraphernalia, our eyes as red as the devils dick, and scott has tattoos all over him. We see that there is 2 patches of long grass on fire, a few smaller trees, and 2 firetrucks, at least 10 firefighters and a bunch of bystanders checking out all the commotion.
This is fucked, 3 teenagers coming out of the woods, they're gonna think it was us. But i'm still convinced it was that guy, and so is my buddy john because he asked one of the fire chiefs "is this a controlled fire?" To which he responded "no". Jesus. Well I stomped my cig out on the way in and so did john and scott.. Or at least i thought scott did. Fucking scott! This kid who ive known a week is going to get me busted with pot and charged for causing a fire i know i didn't cause! FUCK!
We stand by my car dumbfounded and stoned, theres some people from the apartment outside standing near my car, and we don't wanna just get in an peel cause it will look even more suspicious. But then we start hearing police sirens in the distance, maybe 3 blocks away. Time to leave. So I say "well, i gotta go pick up my brother from school" and get in the car and just as were backing out and about to leave the sound of sirens can be heard maybe a block away. We have about 15 seconds to slowly leave the scene to avoid likely being pulled over by the cops, questioned and busted for this.
It was the most hastily rushed, yet slow exit I have ever pulled off. It was like trying to drive away from a hurricane while abiding traffic laws and the speed limit, all while being high as fuck. In the car on the way to drop the guys off we talk about it and Scott admits to not knowing what he did with his cigarette butt on the way into the woods. At least the guy was honest. Last time I wanna hang with him.
Luckily it was not a big fire and the fire fighters arrived in time, only about 50 sq feet of grass and small dead trees got burned as it didn't have time to spread into the thicker forest. But fuck what a wake up call, about the company you keep, and about how easily a forest fire can start. Thank god no one was hurt and none of us got in trouble.
jakedobson: At least you got off Scott-free.
Teotwawki69: [Indeed](http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true).
| 3 | 6 | |
1406159885 | 1406163231 | t3_2bjp2j | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting mg GF something meant for my FWB
Currently writing this from my phone before my girlfriend gets home. Sorry for any grammar errors or lack of details.
I've been dating my girl friend (let's call her S) for over three years, living together for a few months. I've been pretty bored with our relationship so I made an account on PoF and Okcupid just to see what was out there.
I have met and banged a few chicks on there before and thought it would be easy. Today I met an exceptionally gorgeous girl on PoF (let's call her A) and we started to text. After texting all day at work, we started to connect and hit it off. We planned to get some drinks during the week. I planned it out how I would explain it to my gf that work had a happy hour. I then decide to play some video games.
A text me that she is going to yoga class with a picture and it's pretty sexy. I then get a text from my gf saying it's bad outside (storm) and I reply back saying yeah it got really dark. I pick my phone up again, distracted kind of because I'm gaming, I don't look at who it's going to and send a text to my gf basically asking for a sexy picture but phrase in a way that it's clearly not for her. Instant panic. I could feel my stomach turn and my face get red.
Light bulb. I remember my good friend J is talking to a girl with the name S and say, sorry that was meant for J. She replies back saying "Ugh, is there something you need to tell me?" I reply back "Sorry, that was meant for J. He was asking how to ask S for pictures." This was the only thing I could think of in the 30 seconds I had to reply without getting more suspicious. She replies back saying "why does he need you help." I reply back saying "he didn't want to seem needy I guess."
I then immeditly text J and explain what happened. Him being a bro agrees to text me what is needed to prove to my gf this is what happened. I screenshot it and send it to her. She then stops being suspicious but I'm worried when she comes home she will some how find out.
Tl;dr Sent a text to my gf to send me nudes but worded it in a way it was not for her. Told her it was meant for my friend to send to another girl because he needed advise.
chargoggagog: I hope she catches you, cheating is not okay jackass. If you're bored, do yourself and her a favor and break up.
xluminosityx: Thanks Dad.
| 3 | 5 | |
1406159408 | 1406164478 | t3_2bjoa4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | somemadkid: TIFU: by winking at a fellow male
Jimmyjim12: Dude, this is hilarious. Don't know why all the hate.
PhishnChips: Who's hating? There are 3 comments and not a single amount of hate.
Jimmyjim12: I'm bad at judging the tone. Forgive me
| 4 | 2 | |
1406161496 | 1406163864 | t3_2bjroa | t5_2to41 | 38 | Lucid_Nights: TIFU by sexting the wrong person in my contact list.
So I am a member of the wonderful dating website OkCupid. Last week I started chatting with this guy name Michael and we hit it off pretty well. One thing led to another and I ended up giving him my number so that we could continue our conversation and truthfully so I could send him some dirty pictures of myself.
Now there are a couple of ways that I can attach a picture to my texts. The way I usually do it is by going to my picture gallery and ‘sharing’ the picture I want to send. From there it prompts me to type in who i want to send the picture to. Like most selfie obsessed chicks I tend to take twenty of the same picture and then pick my favorite. If I choose the picture from the messaging app it cuts off some of the picture and its harder for me to chose which one I like the best. That aint cool.
Anywho I chose my favorite recent nude and send it to Michael Okc, because thats how i always label the guys in my phone that I meet on dating sites. Jeff Okc, Chad Pof, real smart right? After having hyped up sending him this picture for an hour all i get back is “cool”. That should have been enough for me to realize something was up but nope. I was high and too excited to play, so I started taking new pictures for him.
One thing led to another and I’m on my back with a vibrater in my ass in a post orgasm glow when i get a text from Michael Okc. Its him saying that he assumes I feel asleep after I got home from work at that he hopes i have a good day tomorrow. WTF? I messaged him back and said something along the lines of ‘Wait... what? we aren't talking right now?’ and he says he hasn’t heard from me in an hour and a half. Now at this point I assume he is just fucking with me because it’s funny and I send him back ‘Who the fuck am i sexting then???’ Somehow the dude is not upset and messages back ‘ROFL WHAAAT?? I’m missing out!’ and sends me a screenshot of our conversation thus far.
Then i do what i should have done in the beginning and went back to my list of contacts. Low and behold i have two people labeled at Michael Okc. I dont even remember who the old Michael is! I confessed to both Michaels what had happened and thankfully they were both really cool about it. Old Michael said he was wondering why i was messaging him after a year of not talking but wasn't going to say no to some naked pictures. I am not sure i have ever been more embarrassed.
We will see if new Michael can take me seriously after that hahaha
TL;DR Had two people labeled as Michael Okc on my phone, was sexting the wrong one!
scumbag_teachers: Can I see the vibrator up your ass please?
Azurium: OP please deliver.
Teotwawki69: For science!
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1406161179 | 1406170519 | t3_2bjr67 | t5_2to41 | 99 | [deleted]: TIFU by moisturising my ass
So sometimes after using the toilet i get this burning dry anus that slowly bores away at my sanity.
On this particular night i am in my girlfriends bed and ol' dry ring has surfaced, I'm in no mood to let this fucker interrupt my sleep so i go to my toiletries bag and come back with some after shave moisturiser.
Damn, I'm about to unleash minerally wet goodness on my ass, i think. This anus gonna be so smooth i can curl on it, minus the hair.
I get a good helping and start to apply, all good so far. I'm about to congratulate myself when, BLAM, someone let off a napalm grenade in my ass. I immediately remember that this after shave moisturiser is probably meant to close pores and is not meant for anus. All too little too late as i hop around my girlfriends room.
I frantically search for a form of relief and see a water bottle so i lightly stick this on my anus and squeeze. Unfortunately my girlfriend wakes up and sees a pool of liquid in between my legs and what appears to be her bf sodomising himself with her water bottle.
So after explaining and much laughing at my expense i sat ass up in front of the fan cooling my anus.
Tl;dr fuck l'oreal for men
808metz: Softer toilet paper bro
[deleted]: This could be the cure. I basically use the equivalent of reprocessed sandpaper
muffintumble: Wet wipes! For the love of god!
BBQpigsfeet: My husband can't live without these. He even takes some to work.
| 5 | 19.8 | |
1406161356 | 1406163708 | t3_2bjrfz | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking my bro's crush
So I was at this party at my buddy's house and we had a little party going. Me, him and two other bro's came over who invited 2 girls. One of my friends actually had a crush on the girl she brought with him. I was not aware of that at that time. A few hours later he came to me to say he had sex with the girl but that it didn't meant anything special. So, another couple of hours later I was getting pretty drunk and before I knew it i was cuddling with the girl my friend fucked earlier this evening. It was getting pretty late (around 6 a.m) and everyone wanted to go to bed, I slept downstairs and my buddy and "his" girl shared a bed. I already knew she didn't want this and, indeed, around 8 a.m she came downstairs to lie in bed with me. I couldn't sleep so was still pretty drunk, she couldn't sleep either so she also was still a bit tipsy and not much later we started kissing and fooling around. Note that she was going to sleep and she was almost undressed, she walked around the house in her thong and bra anyway so I was getting used to the fact that she was barely naked lying next to me. The morning after my bro saw us, not kissing anymore, and he went home. When home he immediately texted her to get more insight in their "situation" and if they were a "thing" or not now. The girl replied with "Nah I made a mistake, I'm sorry I only see you as a friend." and ignored him the rest of the day. That day I was spending my whole day with her eating breakfast, relaxing, listening to some good old school Biggie Smalls, the average hangover-morning after. And at around 5 p.m she went back home, when I walked her out and kissed her goodbye she started to get really turned on. And with that I mean reaallyy turned on and we fucked in the nearest toilet whe could find. It felt good, it was good but at the same time I knewit was going to end in a huge, so to call, fiasco.
By the time it was appropriate to drink some more beers I was drinking some more beers because, I was on vacation, I need to enjoy this. And soon I was really drunk again and the girl asked if i wanted to come over, of course i went there. And I spent the night there too, little did I know there were any consequences. I went straight home the next morning but I was verry intrigued in my new lady. That didn´t stop me from inviting my best (female) friends over to just have a fun night at the crib. One of the girlfriends made a picture with my phone and put it on instagram. Of course my lady saw the picture and God knows why but she went on a rampage. The envy dripped off her chin with waves of transparent jealousy flowing from her eyes. I am talking Hulk mad here.
I, of course, could not understand why she was acting so mental and I figured it might be better to take a few steps back. To make a long story short, this girl is now obsessed with me and I don't want to hurt her feelings because I feel like I played here! Note that I haven't told my heartbroken-friend that I fucked the girl-who-broke-his-heart-and-gave-him-false-hope yet.
What to do?
Dr_Onion_Rings: This kind of thing is always happens to me, and I mean constantly. There isn't much you can do except expect all parties involved to behave like rational adults. Just talk it out, bro.
Teotwawki69: > expect all parties involved to behave like rational adults
I think OP's probably got a good four or five years before that's even possible.
sandwiech: That's true we're all around the age of 19.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406161655 | 1406167153 | t3_2bjrxr | t5_2to41 | 5 | 21_throwaway_22: TIFU by costing the company nearly $25,000.
So, about a year ago I was working for a research lab (Not there anymore as I went back to school). Anyway, I was cleaning out the storage areas as per the boss wanting things organized. So, I started by throwing old samples out. I did a bunch, cleared up some room, went back to work.
A few days later, someone is looking for those samples. They hadn't been marked in anyway, and since they were over a year old, I threw them out. Turns out they hadn't yet been analyzed, and I wasn't supposed to throw them out. And the client had already been billed. And the garbage truck had already been by, so I couldn't go dumpster-diving.
It was about $25,000 worth of work. I kept the job, but boy was I in shit. Went back to school for upgrading after a few months.
LFD1988: Oh my....always double check I guess. Just out of curiosity, what were those samples? Was it cultured mold or something?
21_throwaway_22: Some kind of plant samples- nothing harmful to anyone. They needed gene sequencing or some such thing.
[deleted]: I immediately thought Pee Pee. Pee Pee samples.
petrshigh: I'd wager we aren't the only ones who though pee pee
| 5 | 1 | |
1406156134 | 1406234067 | t3_2bjir4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | kiwimonster21: TIFU by cutting up a habanero pepper and then itching... somewhere....
I've recently moved out to a summer internship and this is my first time living on my own. Considering that, we have to realize that I have never cooked before so "trying out new things" has been the name of the game. I found a recipe that called for habaneros and because I love spicy food I decided to try it. At the grocery store and on the packaging it doesn't say anything about wearing proper PPE (personal protection equipment) so why the fuck would I do that? Or wash my hands immediately after?
1 hour later after finishing my delicious food, yes it actually turned out rather well, I was browsing Reddit when my (WARNING THIS IS THE BAD PART) penis started to tickle. I didn't think anything of it until about 5 minutes later when my genitals literally felt like someone had lit it on fire and was pouring gasoline on it. I panicked and turned to the internet for suggestions. I tried everything, I stood in the shower for 45 minutes with cold water as I scrubbed my dick like I was sanding down a baseball bat, miniature baseball bat.... Which brings me to here. I am sitting here typing this out with my dick literally frozen to an ice pack and it's almost bearable.
TLDR: TIFU by itching my dick after cutting up a habanero.
arod944: Put some lemon juice on it. Really anything that's acidic will stop the burning. Just don't go putting battery acid on your bits. Lol
kiwimonster21: I ended up just leaving it on the ice pack for about 2 hours, after that it seemed to be manageable. Now its just raw from scrubbing.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406161178 | 1406208315 | t3_2bjr64 | t5_2to41 | 20 | JBison: TIFU by getting too excited for an ice cream truck
So I was camping with some friends. Beers were had, fire was a burnin', just after about 7pm I'm pretty drunk already. The campsite that we were at was a more family oriented campground so there were kids about.
And then it came.
That jolly music that makes it acceptable for any kid to scream at their parents for money so they can run out the door to catch that elusive frozen delight.
So, naturally, me just being a giant kid (I'm 23) I hear the music, jump up and start half running, half frolicking towards my tent to get money for ice cream, yelling at my friends "It's the ice cream tru-"
And then it hit me.
Clothesline!! What a slobber knocker!! Damn near took my head off. So naturally everybody is losing their shit laughing at me while I'm on the ground trying to recover from whiplash.
I get up, shamefully go to my tent, grab some change and still get my ice cream. It was a spider man. I regret nothing.
TLDR: got drunk and clotheslined myself running for the ice cream truck
Archron0: "And then it came"
I actually thought you'd ejaculated to the ice cream truck. That would be some truly fucked up shit.
UWbadger23: Wait...that wouldn't be normal?
Archron0: Some might think you were creaming yourself thinking about the kids around the truck. All in all, not the best idea.
| 4 | 5 | |
1406165778 | 1406169413 | t3_2bjyop | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By leaving the water on.
Backstory. I live in the basement of our house. Been known to leak water from time to time, but nothing too worrisome. In my room on one table in the center of the room I have my Xbox One, Xbox 360, and laptop computer. Also a bunch of games, and a nice video camera.
Anyway, today I wake up to go to work and as I am upstairs washing my hands, my ride to work honks the horn. Without thinking I open the front door and tell him to give me a minute. I dry my hands off and off I go to work. Fast foward to about 5:00 pm and I get home from a long day of work. Go downstairs to my room and I notice that one piece of drywall is laying on my table. I'm not worried at the moment because I was thinking someone was doing some renovation and didn't clean up. No big deal. I move the drywall over and my table is completely wet. Fearing the worst I check the Xbox 360 sitting on the Xbox One, worst fears confirmed.
I unplug everything as quick as I can and pick up the 360, slight water damage, might be fixable, nothing to worry about. Then I pick up the Xbox One and turn it to it's side. Water falls out, about 12 ounces by my estimation. Pick my laptop up, no water comes out, but it has been sitting in a pool of water. $1300 worth of equipment gone and no way of replacing any of it anytime soon (that job I went to, barely pays unless it's a specific contract I pick up).
Right now I have the three major items drying outside. Any tips to salvage any of these three major items would be of great help.
Tl;dr: Went to work leaving the kitchen faucet on and came home to $1300 worth of garbage (more than likely).
SwmpDnky: Renter/Homeowner's insurance?
KaloM360: None and never got the warranties set up, too late to do it now.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406166666 | 1406177606 | t3_2bk02h | t5_2to41 | 7 | deptii: TIFU by watching the movie Dune
I read the book and loved it... and now my imagination is ruined because of this piece of shit movie. Please don't make the same mistake if you find yourself in the same situation.
dingus_chonus: You should check out this trailer for a documentary about [Jodorowsky's Dune](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WWu1kclNDA), another one of those "greatest movie never made" kind of stories. Also the [Sci-Fi channel's original miniseries](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYWJn2GolrI) was mediocre. Closer to the book at least. And William Hurt kicks ass as Duke Leto. And yeah, Lynch was style over substance. Cool style, but not for a "true" fan of the source material
deptii: I'll check em out. Not like it could get any worse, right?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406167036 | 1406173078 | t3_2bk0n9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | 1r0npr1nc3: TIFU by breaking into my friend's house.
rhgla: You screwed up, can't blame your dad.
1r0npr1nc3: Okay obviously I know that now, I'm just saying I wasn't in a good place emotionally and my dad basically goaded me into it. I know it's fucked up, but Bobby's little brothers are probably fine, and I got caught so all I'm asking for is a little sympathy.
rhgla: Sorry, I was a little tough on you but I just can't imagine a dad telling his kid to "break into" a house. He's the one who has to deal with your court issues now.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406169005 | 1406251786 | t3_2bk3tu | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: Tifu by indirectly touching my girlfriends asshole with my eye. Nsfw
First allow to me to say fuck you cosmopolitan and your goddamned sex tips.
The tale of my demise begins with one of those ,'improve your sex right now!' Articles. Apparently putting a pillow under a girls bum when bumping uglies leads to a much more pleasant experience for said girl. Of course we under took to try this simple improvement, and in no time my lady was happily moaning away, I felt like ron Jeremy.
The unforseen circumstance, how ever was the pink eye I am now suffering from. I am honestly tempted to fart on her pillow,but why should I be as shitty as she made my pillow.
This not a throwaway, I just never say anything anyway.
tldr do not use the pillow you sleep with for fecal fun times.
patriotperry: On the show "Awkward", Tamara also said the term "bumping uglies" before she got pink-eye.
loui440a: Tamara is my favorite!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1406170742 | 1406174290 | t3_2bk6jx | t5_2to41 | 25 | n88888888: TIFU by assuming space that is usually unoccupied was, indeed, unoccupied.
I live in an apartment with a 'shared' backyard. Shared is in brackets as it's always deserted, especially in the evenings. If someone is out there, they're usually in a group & I can tell from inside my apartment as they're pretty loud & the walls are pretty thin. Anyways, I'm sure you can assume what happens next, but I open the door & walk out into the darkness as I would any other night- I do exercises on the corner of the deck before bed. I get close to the corner, ready to hop up & do some reps (I do bicep dips), I hear an awkward, "Uh...*Hello*."
I feel my face flush... *Damn*. I look up & see the dimly illuminated face of my neighbour from downstairs who rarely uses the space sitting in the back yard. I quickly mumble "Hello," grab a face-cloth off of the cloth line to give myself some purpose to be outside, & run back in before I can answer him asking, "Uhhhh.... So... What's up?" & his roommate & my one of my other other downstairs neighbours laughing as she says an awkward hello as well. I'm pretty sure I heard a few others, but I'm hoping that was my imagination.
Not a big deal, usually, but tonight I'm not feeling well & I'm ready for bed early... in my tighty-whiteys, just deciding I felt well enough to do my nightly reps. Only they're not whitey... They're a super feminine floral print, & tighter than tighty... They're leaving absolutely nothing to anyones imagination. I'm so embarrassed. I can still hear them laughing outside. I couldn't hear them before because the air conditioner that sits just between the deck & outdoor sitting space has finally been fixed & kicked in. Worst part is I run into them quite often in the days. Welp, not anymore, I guess!
TL:DR: TIFU by going outside in my very revealing underwear, assuming no one would be outside.
Edit: OP is male. Also chest dip, not bicep. I just do what I do.
[deleted]: And the gender of OP is?
n88888888: OP is male. It's hot here, so the legs were slightly rolled up, as well. Needless to say, it was a hairy situation.
[deleted]: hairy indeed :-) lol fingers crossed it doesn't get anymore awkward.... just dominate them and do tighty whitey excercises (with or without floral prints) outside anyway.... :P
n88888888: Oh shit, you're right! I should have looked them in the eye, started & finished my super manly work-out without explanation or petty small-talk, then flexed my ass cheeks & let out a battle cry in a fit of testosterone raged euphoria. Behold! /u/n88888888, Prince of Pink & Purple Pansy Panties!
Srsly tho, Dominance 101. Thanks frostyboy!
[deleted]: I can hear the stunned silence now! oh to be a fly on the wall (so to speak)
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1406168022 | 1406207668 | t3_2bk28t | t5_2to41 | 21 | letmemakeituptoyou: TIFU by accidentally licking the feet and ear of my girlfriend's mom
I returned home a few nights ago, really late after a bunch of drinks with some coworkers at a farewell party. I was pretty hammered and feeling horny. I saw my girlfriend sleeping on the couch and thought I might get lucky because she's pretty horny most of the time too. She has Restless Legs Syndrome and often sleeps on the couch because she's afraid she will keep me awake. It never does but whatever - we end up having a lot of sex there.
It's pretty dark but I see my way to the couch, kneel beside her and decide to start caressing her hair. It feels a little dry (?) compared to normal but it looks the same in the dark and my brain smooths over that inconsistency. I then start rubbing her feet because she loves that. In hindsight they felt different too. Actually not just in hindsight... At the time I remember thinking "these feel wrong somehow" But it was her. No doubt in my mind. And I was gonna rock her world.
Now I have to say before anyone starts saying this sounds rape-y, she woke me up with breakfast and surprise sex a few months ago and it was awesome. I mean fucking incredible. I didn't even think girls really did that. I wore a 6 inch grin to work all day and sold more than I've ever sold before! It was seriously the best day of my whole life. And she said she explicitly said, "You're up next!" So this isn't a case of some whiskey dick asshole stumbling home and trying to take advantage of someone. I wouldn't do that.
So she is moving around a bit and I think it is time to take it to the next level so I start sucking on her toes. She flings her arm and it knocks the metal pull chain on our lamp making a loud clanging sound. I stop. After a few seconds there's no more commotion so I keep going. I move back up to her head, part the hair from over her ears and then start licking it, biting it and talking dirty. I've been drinking so what I think sounds sexy probably sounds like loud and angry threats.
It lasts for maybe 5-10 seconds - but I packed a lot into those 5-10 seconds.
She's awake now, hand clamped on me all "throes of passion" like. Then in an instant a light flicks on, I hear "David?" from behind me and my girlfriend has somehow aged rapidly. What the fuck! It's her mom. I've been licking her mom. My entire body froze - especially my head I was literally stunned.
My girlfriend is standing behind me wondering why I am over her mom and her mom is wondering that too. I'm completely out of it and her moms feet are poking out of the ends of the blanket Wicked Witch style... and they're visibly wet too. It looks weird. It is weird. Her feet look like the slobber drenched jowls of Hooch. It would have been weird and awkward even if I had the right girl.
My girlfriend asks what I was doing and I said pathetically, "I thought... it was you!" She can tell I'm drunk she tells me to just go to bed and she's talking to her mom for a good 40 or so minutes. Thankfully she's level headed and the situation didn't turn into something from a movie with everyone yelling and stuff. The last sight I see is the mom just laying there with just her feet hanging out like a cadaver. I know I've fucked up big time.
I'm in the bedroom with my heart racing and I'm freaking out because 40 minutes must = traumatized mom telling her daughter I was feeling her up or something. She's probably crying. I consider eavesdropping but I don't want to hear it at the same time. Probably telling her to leave me. I wouldn't blame her. Now I'm starting to wish there was yelling. A good old fashioned tornado of emotions swirling around the room. Let everyone get it out while it's fresh - not bottle it up. I don't want this between us forever. Let me explain myself and say I'm sorry. It was an innocent mistake.
I'm honestly seeing wedding days ruined, I'm picturing my future kids saying, "grandma told me your dirty secret". That's not even the half of it. My own imagination is killing me. I'm starting to hope she knows all I was doing was licking her ear and sucking on her feet. I'm hoping she didn't hear much of what I was yelling to her. I don't even remember it but it probably wasn't good.
At this point, I've also had plenty of time to notice I missed 2 calls from my girlfriend and there's several texts that I swear never came through while I was at the bar. One of them says "mom left eddy staying here for a few days. call me!" There it is, clear as day - sent hours ago. Hours and hours ago. You stupid drunk moron.
Girlfriend comes in about an hour later and tells me that her mom says I was all licking her all over. Not really true but I'm not going to argue with someone who was licked in her sleep. She knows me, she knows it was a really stupid mistake with no perversion or malice intended... But she also knows that her mom feels grossed out. And she's probably grossed out too. But she said they only talked about it for about 10 minutes. She acts like they shrugged it off. So what were they talking about for the other 50 minutes?
So I must say her mom is only like 16 years older than her, they look incredibly alike. I've confused them before but obviously not in this way. People think they're sisters. Once I slapped her moms ass by mistake. Easy mistake - her mom laughed it off kind of but I think from that moment I was on her watch list. Possible perv. I dunno. I couldn't quite work out if she was coyly flirting or politely dealing with being offended.
She's made a couple of not-so-subtle references to it since. Like 'Smack That' played at my girlfriend's party and she yelled, "Turn it up it's Dave's song!" I've mentioned these incidents to my girlfriend and she either didn't hear it or thinks I'm reading too much into it. I smack her ass and she says a song about smacking an ass being "my song" is reading into things too much?
Her mom isn't angry - which is bad for me, I think. She keeps joking about it. We talked about it briefly the next morning and she said she knows it was a mistake. But again, the way she said mistake, I can't tell if she was flirting again. I'm not delusional, I truly think she's trying to work out if there's something behind my actions. Like I said they're like sisters - it's certainly possible she sees in me what the daughter does. I don't have any strong feelings for the mother.
So it's really awkward especially with the mom living here ever since. It's been a few days now with no sign of her leaving. Like even when I try to greet her in the kitchen I am doing it all sad and somber because I feel like sounding happy is like glossing over what happened... or sounding flirty. But sounding sad isn't helping either. I kind of want to go stay with Eddy for a few days.
Everything is a reminder. Like did everyone decide to advertise ear related products this week? Even Family Feud, which we watched to try to lighten the mood, totally backfired. Every question is about awkward moments between family members with really perverted answers. I kept waiting for one to specifically be about ear licking and for that stupid bald fuck to turn straight to the camera and call me out.
So I think between the ass thing and now licking her feet and ear she either thinks I'm a deviant or that I'm into her and I don't know what is worse. I would rather I guess that she's into me, that way she's not traumatized. I don't know if I should ask her if she wants me.
patriotperry: Talk to her about it again, explain the entire situation, and say that you're really sorry and want to hear honestly how she feels about it. It might help alot. It helps to bring up the trust that you spoke honestly to each other and allow yourselves to laugh about it later.
attilagyongyosi: Definitely this.
abelcc: Or OP could have a threesome with them.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1406163061 | 1406175367 | t3_2bju8v | t5_2to41 | 9 | XLunairX: TIFU by sending my salary back to my employer who happens to be on vacation
I am going on vacation in about 6 days. When I just woke up I looked to my bank information and I was very happy finally receiving the salary from my job.
Now I wanted to transfer the money to the bank I use when on vacation. Using the bank-application with my sleepy eyes I actually pressed the *wrong* transfer button sending everything back!
The problem is: my employer happens to be on vacation! So I went to someone else who laughed pretty hard at this mistake and she will make sure I get my salery back. Still there is a big chance that it will not happen before I leave and now I have not much to spend...
9to4: Do I get gold if I say that that this is fine and you don't have to worry?
[deleted]: You'll always be gold in our hearts.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406172761 | 1406234562 | t3_2bk9pj | t5_2to41 | 24 | almostavirgin: TIFU by providing a semen sample
I went to the doctor yesterday for a check up on an illness I have. The doctor tells me I need to provide a urine sample. He gives me two little cups I need to pee into. He says I need to fast for 8 hours beforehand and to do the sample first thing in the morning. The first cup I need to fill with about 30-40mls of urine right from the start of the flow. The second cup needs to be about the same amount but from mid flow. Simple directions I thought, and I'd done this before so was confident in my ability not to get piss on my hands or the floor etc.
So I have my dinner, start fasting and drinking some water to ensure I have some urine good to go in the morning. I wake up in the middle of the night and it appears I have done too good a job of hydrating and need to do a piss. I flirt with the idea of taking the sample, but am quite groggy and it's dark so decide against it. When I get back to bed I can't sleep and being a young single male decide it's a good time to look at my porn collection. It was a great 10 minutes and it really wore me out. After I had finished I went straight to sleep. Fast forward to morning time and I get up to go to the toilet and do the sample. So as the doctor says, collect the urine straight from the start of the flow. I do this. Holy shit it started white and then went cloudy. That's really odd I thought. The mid stream was normal yellow and this took my mind off things thinking my piss was normal and so I quite happily dropped the sample off to the pathology this morning.
All was good in the world. Until I just fucking realised it was white to start with because that was my leftover cum from my overnight wank.
TL;DR Had to provide urine sample. Had wank. Provided semen sample instead.
ginotyrant: you didn't fuck up, you could easily have semen left over after fucking a girl.... nothing indicates you masturbated to your doctor
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: I'm inclined to not re-read that so that the continuity stays the same as when I first read it.
ginotyrant: good for you, bud.
| 4 | 6 | |
1406171565 | 1406350990 | t3_2bk7uj | t5_2to41 | 1 | PornTrollio: TIFU by faking my friend coming out of the closet to his sister by text.
We both got a huge laugh out of it, she didn't. Apparently we were pretty convincing and also sick, sadistic fucks.
Voyager5555: I've never understood how this is a joke or funny, not to mention being sick or sadistic.
PornTrollio: Setting people up in emotionally trying situations to see how they handle it is amusing. It is the context of hundreds of very successful television shows, and the premise of many books and movies.
It is one of those things where everyone feigns disgust but is actually fascinated by.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1406174409 | 1406225637 | t3_2bkc65 | t5_2to41 | 63 | MrPoopnoodles: Tih foo [TIFU] by being a good dad.
So I don't live near my daughter, and when I have short visits in their town, I stay in a little motel. I get the two bed room and my wife and I get one, the kids share the other.
They eat like garbage. Whats up everywhere south of the Mason Dixon line...I'm looking at you....
So...she spends the night at the hotel...and...we buy her special cereal, fruits, veggies, make PBJ sandwiches, and try to get her to eat something. Breakfast, lunch, nothing. She wont eat and I refuse to swing by Sonic for junk. So she eats two apples and some carrots.
We go out for the day, and swing by her mom's house later soshe can shower and get more clean clothes to go out to dinner and come back to the hotel with us. We go to the hotel, shower and change for dinner, go back to pick her up....**and it was a FIREFIGHT!!!**
Apparently mu daughter said she was hungery, played her mom into giving her coke and spaghetti-o's...told her we didnt feed her other than an apple. No mention of buying her cereal or offering a world of food. My ex wife and her mother proceded to insult me for being a healthy eater, a snob about how I feel they eat, threatened to notify the authorities, etc etc.....
So. What did my ex pack in the new overnight bag? A zip lock bag of cocoa puffs. The same cereal I went out at 9 pm to walmart 30 min away for since shes a 'picky eater' and I wanted her to have something in the morning to eat.
But all this boiled over and my wife and I have spent the night heart broken, so I guess I got that going for me, right?
UnmotivationalSpeakr: As a teenager who has no clue what he is talking about, parenthood sucks. You're going to go through 18 years (total) of that (maybe a little less if you're lucky) before your kid starts to realize all the hard work and effort you put out for them.
At the very least they'll realize when they're thrust into the world to see that it's a shitty place to try to get by in.
MrPoopnoodles: Your name suits you.
UnmotivationalSpeakr: Ah shit that was meant to be a "you're doing a good job, she just can't appreciate it yet" post.
But seriously, high five.
[deleted]: I second this I only realised I was such a cunt to my parents this year when I turned 18
BobbyBoomhauer: I was never shit to my parents. They fed and clothed me for ??? of my life.
I've never understood being a little shit.
[deleted]: I was never openly a cunt to them but I took a lot of liberties which at the time I felt was right but in hindsight it must have hurt my parents a lot. I'm only just beginning to understand the reason behind most of my parent's decisions whereas I never did previously
| 7 | 9 | |
1406178320 | 1406257342 | t3_2bkhik | t5_2to41 | 2,879 | [deleted]: TIFU: by allowing my brother to stay with me while he was in town for work
So as I was leaving work today I got a call from my younger brother, it started out as the typical "just checking in" phone call, but in the middle of it he mentioned he was coming to the city I live in to meet with a client the next day, and was pissed off that he would be stuck there the whole day, and have to drive home late at night. We live in cities that are in driving distance of each other, but are just far enough to be an annoying commute, especially late at night. Being the wonderful big brother that I am, I offered to let him stay at my place that night so he wouldn't have to drive home, and wouldn't have to pay for a hotel. I figured he'd called hoping I would offer anyway, which is fine, and he accepted my offer and thanked me. In the summer I play in an adult baseball league, and had a game that day so I told him that i wouldn't be home till later, but he has a key to my place so that didn't really matter. He said he'd be over around 8:30, and he would order a pizza once he got there so we could eat when I got home. Sounded like a solid plan to me.
I played the game, finished up around 830 and headed home. On the way home I stopped by a Walgreens to pick up a few things, namely milk and condoms. No correlation to one another, just had run out of both and needed them for cereal and my girlfriend respectively. So i picked them up and headed home. It was a little after 9 when i got home. I walked in to find my brother in his underwear passed out on my couch. Clearly he'd had a long day, so I decided to let him sleep. I set down my shopping bag with the milk and condoms on a little table I have right by more door and went to the bathroom to take a much needed shower.
As I was getting out of the shower i heard the door bell ring. I was a little shocked at first, but than I remembered that my brother had ordered pizza. I waited for him to get it, but the pizza man rung the bell again so I figured Chris (my brother) was either still fast asleep, or had just decided he didn't feel like getting it. Either way I was stuck answering the door. I was only wearing a towel, but thought "fuck it, its the pizza man, ill never see them again in my life. If it's a dude he can deal with it, if it's a girl maybe things will get interesting, or again (and infinitely more likely) she too can deal with it." Either way I'd tip generously and enjoy the pizza. So i walked to answer the door in my towel.
I answered the door and opened it to a average looking 20 something holding a large pizza. If he gave a damn about me wearing only a towel, he sure didn't show it. I reached for my wallet, which was sitting on the table I keep next to my door, and as I did bumped into the shopping bag I had set there and knocked my condoms onto the floor. I pulled a twenty out of my wallet and turned to the pizza man who stared back at me with a look of shock and embarrassment. My first thought was "what has he never seen condoms before?", but than I realized Chris had walked up behind me, still in only his underwear, but now partially covering himself in a blanket. So the poor pizza man was now faced with two half naked men covering themselves with a towel and a blanket, and a box of condoms on the floor. I could see the wheels turning and knew exactly where his mind was going. Evidently, so did Chris, so in an effort to break the tension and explain the situation he leaned forwards, gestured to the condoms and said, "Relax. We're brothers, so we don't need to use those."
That was my oh fuck moment. The pizza man turned red as red can be, was completely in shock. Obviously, he had taken Chris' explanation as meaning "we are brothers, so when we have sex we don't need protection", not as the intended "we don't have sex". He took my twenty and cautiously handed me the pizza…nervously said "have a good night" and left. The pizza was like 10.50 or something, but I was more than happy to let him keep a 20. The thought of a him walking in on unprotected gay incestual sex is enough to earn him a 9$ tip…
TL;DR: my brother and I got caught in an awkard spot that led to a pizza guy thinking he walked in on unprotected gay incestral sex
Edit: For those of you commenting about the whole "Things could get interesting" line,
I was completely kidding. My girlfriend read it before i posted, thought it was funny and gave it the "ok" so I kept it, never any intention of cheating or anything like that.
Edit 2: incestual not ancestral…we do have standards after all
I_Will_Try_More: Good thing you will never see the pizza man again. He will have the story of the night when he gets back to work.
thatonedudeyeah: Am pizza guy, don't care if I walked in mid scene if I get to keep a 9 dollar tip.
[deleted]: Yeah I'm praying the pizza shop remembers me as the dude who gives good tips, not the dude who fucks his brother. But somehow I don't see that happening.
xAIRGUITARISTx: You will definitely be remembered as the guys who give a *good tip*.
Ha. Haha
MyCreatedAccount: Do gay guys use condoms? It is not like they can get pregnant.
krizmore: Condoms are not used to just prevent pregnancy. They also protect against many sexually transmitted diseases, so the answer is yes, but I'm sure it is up to the couple.
TheRappist: They're also not nearly as effective as you'd hope at preventing pregnancy.
phunkydroid: I have a feeling you're misinterpreting the failure rate.
neurorgasm: I hate having this discussion. Some people seem to think that 1-2% failure is just due to magical osmotic sperm transfer. Personally I've only had a few break and they were all of the same obviously terrible brand that felt like balloons. If you buy a decent brand in the proper size it's really unlikely to fail unless you fuck like a crazed wildebeest.
phunkydroid: What I'm referring to is that the 2% failure rate is the rate of pregnancy per year in couples who use condoms properly, when most people think it's the chance of a failure in a single use.
neurorgasm: Interesting, I never knew that's what it was based on. I definitely thought it was per-use, and just included 'mechanical failures'.
Although I guess depending on the couple, that could be worse than 2% per use...
| 12 | 239.916667 | |
1406179796 | 1406180398 | t3_2bkjc5 | t5_2to41 | 9 | cb_dt: TIFU by texting my boss
This ones pretty light but I feel bad. I texted my boss late at night and it interrupted his sleep. I've actually done this 3 times, 2 nights in a row. I didn't realize how bad it bothered him, but it bothered him a lot, I don't talk to him, but he spooked a new guy who told me about it. I feel like a dick. I want to tell my boss I feel like a dick but we don't actually work together so my only means of telling him is texting and i feel like a dick texting while working and the only time I don't work he is asleep. I work 12-15 hours a day multiple jobs. He is a reasonable guy, I'm in the wrong here, I just don't know how to immediately make it right. It's gonna take a couple days so that messages can be passed. I just...i feel like a dick. Kinda hope he reads this because I do owe him an apology.
EdaciousE: What was the content of the text messages?
cb_dt: two were about predictions he made that didn't pan out, the other was telling him he should make us wear silly hats. They were brief, I thought light. but the problem was I woke him up, screwed up his sleep cycle. And I can empathize with that/
Edit: more: he and I used to be friendlier before I took on a second job. Now we never talk, never even see each other. I don't have many friends so I drunkenly texted simple light things but those things ruined his night which ruined his next day. I did NOT text him tonight!
| 3 | 3 | |
1406180077 | 1406204803 | t3_2bkjpk | t5_2to41 | 121 | StarryEyedTramp: TIFU by scaring away a girl I really liked and had a good friendship with. Most likely /r/cringe worthy shit too
So there's a girl I've been meeting off and on for about 2 months but we weren't dating. I just really enjoyed her company and I might've started to fall for her somewhere later on. I've been around since when Facebook and all the social networking boom happened so I'm used to uploading anything and everything. Well me and this girl would meet up, go do fun stuff, we'd take pictures and she would upload some and I would too, no complaints. I uploaded a picture last night of her that I took of her since it would be the last time I'd be seeing her for a very long time. I told her this one would be just for me but when I got home, I was still in a semi-buzzed tipsy state and uploaded the picture anyway and apparently it made it seem like we were dating so she freaked out on me and told me to take it down. Now she's either blocked me or gotten rid of Facebook altogether along with other messaging accounts we used.
TL;DR : Creeped a girl I liked out unintentionally, like a clueless asshole. Messed up a good friendship because I wasn't thinking and kind of drunk.
Joe434: what was the picture of?
StarryEyedTramp: just her posing for me at a coffee shop, just friend shit. Any other of my girl friends and I would go out and they'd upload a pic of us hugging or holding each other but I know better to think that it means more than just a platonic friendship
inombabies: She sounds like an emotional basket case. You did nothing wrong.
StarryEyedTramp: Thanks ^^
Mustaka: If your friendship was that fragile that a normal pic freaked I would not worry to much about it.
| 6 | 20.166667 | |
1406180030 | 1406234065 | t3_2bkjnk | t5_2to41 | 75 | littlepileofsecrets: TIFU by not accepting a drink from a woman
I was on my way home from a funeral and feeling pretty down. When the flight attendant came by and took drink orders I ordered a Bloody Mary. The woman in the seat next to me says that she's buying my drink. I tell her no thank you and that I have a free drink coupon. She looks puzzled and then says she hopes she still gets brownie points for trying. Being that I am not in the best of moods this goes completely over my head. I respond with an unamused "heh" and say nothing for the remainder of the 3 hour and 20 minute flight. When we get to the gate the woman says something about wishing she had someone to talk to during the flight. I blame my frugality on my parents but my social ineptitude is all me.
QuentinTNO: First of all, sorry for your loss.
Secondly, unless you are normally an extroverted, social person who would be glad to engage someone for three hours, it's not for you to be her travel companion and entertain her. TBH she's kind of a bitch for guilt-tripping you. I think turning down the drink was better in the end since if you had accepted, you might have felt obligated to speak with her.
as10321: I don't think she wanted a travel companion, nor was she trying to guilt trip.
She wanted the d yo
StrategicBlenderBall: Can confirm she wanted the d. I gave it to her that night.
TheGreatMagus: I think my mother fits that description just too well.
TheGreatMagus: rekt
StrategicBlenderBall: Was going to mention something about fucking your mom, but you already rekt yourself. Is that even legal?
[deleted]: Everyone's moms are viable targets
| 8 | 9.375 | |
1406178743 | 1406229217 | t3_2bki1o | t5_2to41 | 16 | kris1111: TIFU By peeing on my neighbors window
So.
We were pulling an all-nighter at my friends house, playing CS:GO, i have had a few beers, and decided i needed to pee.
In my tipsy state of mind i decided it would be faster to pee from the scaffolding than going to the toilet.
It was dark, and i started peeing.
What i didin't know, was that it all went on the wall of the building, straight on my neighbors window.
I was hoping he didin't notice, as i continued peeing, and then i hear someone shouting "Hey what the fuck do you think you're doing".
I jumped back in the window as if i just got shot with a gun.
TL;DR Peed from a scaffolding on the neighbors window , and he came out
bogdoomy: Wow. Just wow. Good thing it was your friend's house and not yours. He might be in some deep shit tho
kris1111: I highly doubt it, he dosen't really care.
bogdoomy: Well then,I guess you have just successfully asserted dominance in your friend's neighbourhood. A job well done.
| 4 | 4 | |
1406181588 | 1406218070 | t3_2bklgq | t5_2to41 | 285 | kyperion: TIFU by bookmarking my internet porno.
So, I'm currently in China on a work mission to teach english.
I get horny all of a sudden at 2:00 PM and I just start to search up some porn on my laptop, I find one that I'd enjoy because it fits my fetishes and I decided to save it for future reference. (I'm using Google Chrome)
Skip to 7:00 PM, a co worker asks to use my laptop. I'm like "alright" and I hand her it thinking she's just gonna edit a powerpoint or something. Nope, she opens up chrome and starts to type in gmail.com (which is blocked in China now). Little did I know that chrome shows all your book marks in the URL if you try to type something in, so she sees in big bold text "JAPANESE CAT GIRL CHAINED AND RAPED".
I've never received a stare that long in my life, and she hasn't spoken to me since. I'm currently typing this up in a room filled with other coworkers.
syro23: Your are teaching English, but you don't know to capitalize it?
FFGFM: > Your are teaching English, but you don't know to capitalize it?
You're ~~are~~ teaching English, but you don't know to capitalize it?
Artolicious: you're are. nailed it
Archron0: Your're are.
thejam15: You is
Archron0: Cold as I is.
| 7 | 40.714286 | |
1406186710 | 1406215858 | t3_2bkqrk | t5_2to41 | 11 | Sandshark223: Tifu by turning on A/C and accidentally choking my dog
New to reddit so be sparing on this one. Anyways, I was taking a lovely sunday drive and I thought it would be fun for my retriever to accompany me. So I load my dog (let's call him Rex) into the front and get ready to drive off. My car window is broken and won't budge, so there is none of the simple doggy pleasure of Rex sticking his head out the window. Its a boiling hot day, and I decide to turn on the Airconditioning for both our sakes. A little backstory: I was using my mom's car as mine had been in repairs for the past week. This car had been to West Africa and back multiple times looking for artefacts, and was a little on the dilapidated side of the spectrum. So, clever me thinks its a wonderful idea to turn on A/C on such a hot day, and I do so. Immediately, eons of built up dust and asbestos rocket out of the A/C and fly into poor rex's face, coating the car with 29 trips to West africa's worth in dust. Rex and I, understandably, begin choking and sneezing severely. Jesus, the amount of fucking dust was incredible. It was like my car had transformed into a mini fucking desert. Anyways, I have to buy a feather duster, and get all that shit out of the car. Rex is still wheezing and I am starting to get worried. I drive to the vet, let brush the remaining dunes out of the car. So then I am told by the vet that Rex has a temporary respiratory issue, and needs to take pills for a week to clear it. Feeling sorry for my poor pooch, and having vet bills to pay didn't cheer me up in the slightest. Worst part is that I still have to drive to work in that dusty ass car tomorrow :( will update events later.
Judiniho: Should have got a cat instead. Probably wouldn't have followed you in the first place.
Sandshark223: Lol yeah... Got a nasty surprise...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406187188 | 1406215743 | t3_2bkr7v | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU By leaving my porn open before I gave a talk to my laboratory.
I'm a college student and I am fortunate enough to be researching in a lab that has a good chunk of money. This means that I have a bit more leeway with what the graduate students and/or post-docs can teach me in comparison to other labs (not to say other labs are bad that is).
Anyway, every quarter we are asked to give a talk based off the research that we have conducted, so I was on my merry way on my laptop to make a great presentation. After many nights I was finally done, sent it to my graduate student and he gave me the green light. I practiced it out loud in my room alone for at least 3-4 hours before I was exhausted and about to go to sleep. After I'm done, I decide it's time to wax the carrot.
I'm the type of guy that needs to find the PERFECT porn video, hell I'll spend 20 fucking minutes looking for one video if I really need to. Sad thing is half the time I won't even get off to that first video and will have to keep looking for another. Also, I've been without sex for a couple of months now so it only added to my horniness, the only way I can destress is via masturbation.
I load up a hot video of some Brazilian prostitute getting nailed, and this girl was fine. I finish the deed and get to bed, having to get up bright and early for the next day. I bring my laptop to the conference room and prepare my presentation.
Little did I know that I had paused the video when the girl was flashing her tits to the next customer (it was a compilation), and boy these were nice tits. As soon as I plug in the VGA and turn on my laptop there is a nice pair of tits on the screen. There I was, in front of 15-20 graduate students, PhDs, and my PI; all of them were staring at the screen. I start to turn red and before I was about to walk out the room one in embarrassment one of the post-docs says, "You have great taste "IntegrativeInsanity!". That helped cut the tension a bit, awkward thing was that my female PI was staring me down like she was about to sodomize my virgin asshole.
I quit out of it as soon as I can, but little did I fucking know there was another Google Chrome window OPEN UNDER THE FIRST ONE WITH ANOTHER FUCKING PORN VIDEO.
At this point I packed up my shit and just walked out. I later emailed my PI telling her about the situation, we'll see how she responds.
TL;DR: If you're using your own laptop to present to a group of people, make sure your browser history is clear and you have no porn open on your computer!
Edit1:here's the link for that porno for you researchers! Will edit what happened with my pi later tonight.
http://h2porn.com/videos/latin-street-hooker-sex/?utm_source=rabbitx&utm_medium=thumb&utm_campaign=Videos
Edit2: So I went into my pis office and we spoke about the whole incident. She told me that she's okay with it she basically sympathized with me because she said she's had worse stuff happen to her when she has given her presentations. With regards to actually saying something about the porn she said that she had watch porn too so it wasn't really a big deal just basically telling me for it not to happen again
Flexible_Perplexity: If your PI responds with a winky face, that's your queue.
Eugeniks_: To wait in line?
| 3 | 23.666667 | |
1406189942 | 1406226728 | t3_2bktre | t5_2to41 | 11 | sweatercollector: TIFU b expecting to be alone in the bathtub
It was 12:30 and I was too deep in thought to sleep. I decided a lavender scented bath would be perfect. I waited for the tub to fill half way before stepping in. For some strange reason I glanced behind me.
In doing so, I noticed something lurking on the ceiling above. What was it you may ask? A Huge Creepy SPIDER!
He was certainly not there a moment ago. I watched him, and he was creeping closer to the middle of bath.
Suddenly he stopped and started moving, out & away from the bath and towards the door. I thought I was good and sat in the water. I had uneasy feeling about trusting a spider.
I looked again and he was creeping closer.
**Then he dropped into the bathtub.**
Or so I thought. I jumped out of the bath and splashed water all over the floor. I noticed that he had actually landed on a little ledge.
I tried to drown him in apricot oil. It hit his feet and then **He really jumped into the bath.**
I drained all my water and stood in the cold until he was gone.
The rest of my bath was awesome & lacking spiders.
Tl;dr:
To my horror an unexpected guest joined me in the bathtub
ModernMuseum: As I read this, I can't help but picture the roles reversed. I'm minding my own business taking a Sunday stroll, hanging out at EL+8ft. like I'm supposed to be and then...BAM...all of a sudden a human with Tourettes syndrome starts going ape shit for no reason and shooting a hypersonic jet stream of orange bile at me and then I'm re-enacting my third grade gymnastics routine to save my life.
Nothing is sacred anymore.
edited: spelling
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Much better. Spiderbro was just trying to speak comforting words to you OP. He knew you'd had a rough day.
sweatercollector: Aw now I wish I knew the words he had for me! :(
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406198147 | 1406236291 | t3_2bl0ur | t5_2to41 | 4,071 | Throooowaway12: TIFU by having sex that was too rough (UPDATE)
Original post
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2b3si0/tifu_by_having_sex_that_was_too_rough/
This is just for those of you who care.
So I left the hospital and went to a follow up with my OBGYN. He went and checked everything out. Well, this isn't caused from rough sex at all (I think). My uterus has a plum sized abscess growing on the opening of my vaginal wall. Not only is that disgusting, vile abscess sitting there, he also said it could be a tumor or urethral diverticula.
So now here I am waiting on the urologist to call me this morning and schedule surgery. I also can't poop. The thing is literally making it impossible to poop. Hopefully I'll have surgery Friday. I'll post a post-op update if you guys are interested ;)
I_Will_Try_More: So the biggest TIFU in your life could end up saving it? Wow the world works in mysterious ways. Good luck with the surgery.
Mejica: TISMLBFU
Arontjuh: Today i saved my life by fucking up?
Mejica: Bingo
league_of_bellends: That's a bingo!
TheFrank314: That's numberwang!
jelloboi78: Logged into Reddit at work simply so I could upvote a Numberwang comment. Totally worth it.
TheFrank314: A man of principle. Have an upvote
jelloboi78: Pi reference in username? Upvote for you, sir!
TheFrank314: Spotting the pi reference? Upvote for you, sir!!
CBKake: calling each other sir? how civilized and courteous! Upvotes for you gentlemen!
jelloboi78: YOU GET AN UPVOTE! http://i.imgur.com/RxFaO.gif
GenericBadGuyNumber3: Circlejerk you say? Don't mind if I do! Upvotes all round!
jelloboi78: Circlejerk? Yesplz.
| 15 | 271.4 | |
1406202289 | 1406554208 | t3_2bl4u4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by my mum finding my fapping sock...
Well, i ~~have~~ had a sock that i would cum in, so the sperm doesnt go everwhere. Sock = no cleaning up. so i got home from school today and go uptair to find my sock gone! No one was home beside my mum. See was out shopping at the time but when she came home she gave me a "i know what you are up to you dirty bastard" look. So I had to find a solution. Than i brilliant idea came into my head, ill get another sock. So i have a fap. Cum in sock. Post to TIFU.
Chickenfart123: Why!? Why do people cum in socks!? I makes no sense!
zennmon: then how do you feel about poop-socks
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406203571 | 1406245358 | t3_2bl690 | t5_2to41 | 61 | st3v30kin3v0: TIFU by calling a sex line
TIFU by calling a sex line ..
First some background. I've been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for about a year, she recently got a new job but didn't want to tell me what she did until she figured out if she liked it or not. Ever since she has had the job she hasn't been as talkative or as accepting of my compliments like she used to be she also doesn't seem as interested in conversation..
Fast forward a week, I'm feeling lonely and not being satisfied by my girlfriend I decided to call a sex line the first time was fine. I had some nice conversation that turned into some sexy talk that ended up satisfying what I was missing inside. So a few days later I decided to give it another try. This time I called a line that promised local girls to talk to so I start talking to this lady and she seems slightly familiar and I get suspicious and find out it's my girlfriend but she doesn't realize it's me.... So since this is a local line there's an option to meet up if you feel like you hit it off I asked if she would like to meet for a date and she obliged.. So here I am wondering if I should show up at the date and confront her about it or if I should just stand her up ....
UPDATE:
So I went to the restaurant we decided to meet at and waited Until I saw her go in, once she was in I went in and found where she had been seated I Walked right up and sat down. The look of shock and horror on her face was priceless, I just said hey, how are you and acted normal. like we were on a normal date. She stuttered out fine and was completely confused. We ordered our food and didn't say much and when I was done (I ate kinda fast) I said I guess you're wondering why I've asked you to meet me here. She just looked at me without saying anything so I said I know what you've been doing and I don't appreciate you doing it so we're through and walked out leaving her with the bill.
Zombona: I would go on the date but not confront her about it. Don't act surprised when she shows up or when you see her. Act like it is a date that you two would normally go on, as if you had just asked her out in person instead of through a sex line.
st3v30kin3v0: I would think that would make it very awkward.. At least at first
Zombona: My thought is you can use this to either end the relationship (usually what happens after a confrontation) or strengthen the relationship. Play it off like you knew it was her, just don't commit to any lies, that would be harder to explain.
abXcv: How the fuck would you strengthen the relationship by catching your girlfriend arranging meetings with other guys?
This deserves a break-up, nothing else.
Zombona: By not being a narrow minded primate like this fine ape here.
OP is not in the clear either, he was the one calling the sex line.
[deleted]: True,but he was looking for something non physical,whereas she is potentially meeting and being intimate with other people. They both suck,she just gets paid to do ao
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1406198020 | 1406303026 | t3_2bl0rc | t5_2to41 | 4 | Imatinyminotaur: TIFU by killing a spider.
Today I fucked up by killing a spider. I woke up and was face to face with a spider on the wall next to my bed. I quickly searched for something to squish it with. It started to move so I grabbed the first thing I could reach which happened to be my Ped-egg. I launch it at the spider,catapult style from my position on my bed while keeping the larger end as far away from my hand as possible to avoid accidentally touching any spider squishy bits. Completely forgetting that the end of the Ped-egg comes off to release dead skin,
which it did.
All over my face.
[deleted]: Ok but the spider is dead right????????
Imatinyminotaur: Unfortunately,no. :(
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406205344 | 1406256019 | t3_2bl8ad | t5_2to41 | 96 | helloimdumb: TIFU by accidentally comparing my Jewish boss to a Holocaust refugee...
So, I'm an assistant for this doctor who is super down-to-earth. He geeks out hardcore over the same things I do, we share a lot of similar interests/views, and it's really easy to just start having a conversation with him and end up chatting for the better part of an hour.
Anyways, we were talking today about the differences in tax laws in different states--sales tax vs income tax, etc etc, pretty mundane stuff. I said someday I would probably return to my home state (Oregon), but not the city where I grew up. He laughed and said he has friends in Vancouver, Washington who have promised to "sponsor" him if he ever wants to (in his words) immigrate. I laughed and made a joke about them hiding him under a tarp in their truck to sneak him into Washington, and made a comment about using that stuff they doused handkerchiefs with to confuse the dogs when the Jews were escaping Germany. A bit off-color, but I was just picturing this intelligent, well-spoken, clean-cut guy sneaking into the Pacific Northwest, and totally wasn't even thinking about the fact that he was, in fact, Jewish.
He laughed it off and made some comment about "these aren't the droids you're looking for," and it wasn't until after I left his office that the horrific realization hit me. Now I don't know if I should apologize, or just pretend like it never happened.
TL;DR: My boss is Jewish, I made a joke about him sneaking to the Pacific Northwest like a Jew escaping Germany in the 1940's.
khalidhaddad: The fact that he laughed it off seems that he is a guy that can take a joke! Lucky though... i would just bring it up vaguely and say sorry, although im pretty sure he wont mind..
americass: If he laughed he's cool with it
| 3 | 32 | |
1406206570 | 1406232368 | t3_2bl9uh | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by flushing my debit card down the toilet. (x-post from r/pointlessstories)
I was told that I should post this story here.
This morning at work I decided that I wanted to get a breakfast sandwich from the bistro on the first floor. So I took out my debit card from my wallet and placed it in my left front pocket along with my cellphone. I proceeded to take my break and went to the bathroom before venturing down to the bistro.
I did my business and buttoned up my pants before flushing the toilet. When I flushed the toilet my phone vibrated in my pocket so I took it out to see what new notifications I had. As I pulled out my phone my debit card flew out of my pocket and into the toilet at the same moment the toilet was finishing it's flush.
The card was sucked up in an instant.
I stood there for a minute laughing to myself then quickly realized I will now go hungry for the rest of the day.
Goodbye sweet debit card, you will be forever missed.
teriyaki_delite: This happened to me with my Pokewalker (basically a pedometer synced to a pokemon game). It was clipped to my belt, and apparently I stood up too quickly, and it flew into the toilet bowl as it was flushing. Luckily it wasn't a big hassle to replace, but now I'm more careful around flushing toilets. Don't want to lose my phone or something.
Kidneysnatcher: If you don't know what a Pokewalker is, TodayYouFuckedUp
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1406206977 | 1406216952 | t3_2blaeo | t5_2to41 | 182 | ink_drout: TIFU and now my neighbours dog is hospitalised with a belly full of used tampons.
I didn't fully shut the door to the bathroom and my neighbours tiny little dog ate somewhere between 0.5-2.5 used tampons. The xray is inconclusive about stomach contents so having to go by how much bloody mangled cotton is in my bathroom vs what I remember using. Praying for him to puke so a 13 year old tiny dog doesn't have to have major surgery. I have only just moved in and the man next door thought his dog would be happier still having access to his house when he is away on business trips. I managed 6 days of care and now I am hoping with a fervour that he won't die before my neighbour gets back.
In hindsight a professional kennel would have been a safer and cheaper option because I can't pull a bloody door shut. Shit.
--
Edit 1: (9 hours post tampon feast) Following an emetic he puked up one entire tampon and second xray shows the stomach has emptied. Tomorrow he gets a barium breakfast and a final xray to check for blockages that any tampon taking the back route out may have caused.
--
Edit 2: (24 hours at the vet) final xray shows no blockages and the tiny bits of fluff left will move through. I can go collect him and his owner is back tomorrow so I just have one more day to not fuck up!
Zombona: Dogs are mischievous little demons.
This is not your fault. It may feel like it now but what reasonable creature would eat a wad of cotton.
UnmotivationalSpeakr: I don't know man. The aforementioned cotton did have some uterus in/on it. That can be pretty damn tasty.
ink_drout: Thanks, I think.
He licked the vets face with his uterus covered tongue. She was pretty. I feel like we have bonded a bit.
TheMaidenDragon: You should get a trash can with one of those foot-pedal lids, that was our solution. Dogs like those things waay too much...
ink_drout: I think the neighbour is unlikely to leave the dog in my care again :-(
| 6 | 30.333333 | |
1406209990 | 1406215588 | t3_2bleof | t5_2to41 | 7 | truthseeker86: TIFU by getting a home visit from a loan shark
So right now currently hiding under my bed because the loan shark is downstairs with my wife trying to convince him am not here. He hasnt come up the stairs to check my room but has been down there for at least 30-40 minutes. This is handsdown the scariest shit I ever been in and hoping all ends well. Took the laptop to kill time while I wait for him to hopefully leave.
mark0210: Need more backstory, OP.
Voyager5555: OP owes money, payback's a bitch.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406210014 | 1406218059 | t3_2bleq2 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a protective parent
[deleted]: Did you ever consider the possibility that your daughter is a person and that people like privacy and respect?
> More or less, by trying to be her father, I've chased her away and possibly screwed up her life worse than it otherwise would have been.
No, more or less by being a controlling, manipulative, lying, asshole, you've taught your daughter that she can't trust you, and possibly other authority figures by extension. I feel sorry for your daughter.
HaleSkatin: That's bullshit man, she should not be dating a jobless loser 7 years older than her thst lives out of town. Its not healthy and as her father it is his job to do his best to protect her and guide her.Also 15 year olds dont think rationally. For the love of god I hope you dont have kids...
[deleted]: > she should not be dating a jobless loser 7 years older than her thst lives out of town
Correct.
> Its not healthy and as her father it is his job to do his best to protect her and guide her.
Correct.
Now why do you think calling the police and installing spyware to pry into her business is protecting or guiding her? Does it seem to you like his methods produced desirable results?
HaleSkatin: The spyware I dont agree with. He said his daughter is under 18, and they had been sending pictures that he himself never wanted to see. 15year old girl exchanging possible child pornography with a guy almost 10 years older? Sounds like a good idea to me to let the authoroties know
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1406206320 | 1406214712 | t3_2bl9ix | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU By asking for hot sauce at McDonald's
I pulled into mac dons for their quick drive thru breakfast this morning after my shift. I ordered a couple steak and egg breakfast burritos at the talk box and pulled forward.
I get to the second window and the lady asks which order of 3 were mine, and none of which were. I tell her that I had ordered 2 steak and egg burritos this morning. She advises me to pull up along the sidewalk past the window. At this point I know they fucked something up because the next 2 cars were also advised to pull up to the reserved spots for waiting for your drive thru food. While I was along the sidewall past the window, these other two spots were parking spots on the other side of the parking lot road that wrapped around the building. This is important to note, cars are zooming in and out at this point in the morning.
A young girl comes out with 3 orders and proceeds to find mine in the mix. I apologize and asked her for some hot sauce. She tells me to wait, and runs across the main drag to hand off the other 2 orders. This girl was maybe 16, pale skinned, donning some serious thick rimmed glasses. And in the fluster of trying to get back to the shop to give me my hot sauce paid absolutely no attention to the road she was about the cross. I mean it too, she was arms flailing as she ran, head down with pony tail flipping back and forth as she took about 6 courageous steps right into morning mac don madness where she was struck by a SUV... and here I am wondering if I should just go in for that hot sauce at this point. Luckily only knocking her over, it seemed she was mostly okay but a bit shaken up. Girls a trooper, she went in and still got me my sauce. I apologized profusely.
Pweotweb: The SUV-driving twat shouldn't have been going too fast to brake for pedestrians (I assume this was in the McDonald's parking lot and not the main thoroughfare). Not your fault.
Voyager5555: > parking spots on the other side of the main road around the building
| 3 | 5 | |
1406208856 | 1406217022 | t3_2bld0j | t5_2to41 | 12 | beakerx82: TIFU by causing an accident between two delivery trucks...and I wasn't even driving.
I work for a large, unnamed federal employer that delivers both letter mail and packages. My role there is of an expediter. I verify that drivers have loaded their appropriate mail onto their trucks, provide any necessary transit paperwork and shipping seals and then release them in the computer system via a hand-held device. In short, I'm the guy that tells them whether they can go or not and if I send them away before it's time, I'm screwed. While I was at work two days ago, I was having an unusually stressful day due to the royal pain-in-the-ass that is known as the career mail handler. He's basically responsible for loading the trucks and making sure the right mail is staged at the right area so the trucks can quickly load their mail when they arrive. This, in and of itself is not the bad thing; it's the fact that he's been doing this for decades now and considers himself to be an expert about everything and not just his personal job. For instance, I let a truck go (and I'm not exaggerating this) 3 minutes earlier than it's scheduled time and I had to listen to bitching for the next 20 minutes about how I “wasn't supposed to do that” and “we could have put more mail on that truck” (which they couldn't – all the mail that could have gone on that individual trip was already loaded). I should also mention that it was my second day working with this particular series of drivers and routes, so I was really trying to focus and learn they rhythm of the section to make my life easier in the future.
Fast forward to yesterday, and my favorite mail handler comes over to me and says, “Case-in point. Yesterday, you locked a truck in and he didn't realize it. He must have had the parking brake off and as soon as he came in to release the button, his truck started to drift away from the dock and into another truck. This is why you don't touch the door or the truck – just let the drivers do it.”
Let me explain the audacity of this. There is a box on every door that operates a lock that is supposed to be engaged for every truck that comes to the dock, every time, without exception. It's there so that if Meth-Mouth Mike the Truck Driver decides that he's going to leave (despite a large red light that shines directly into his driver's side mirror), yet someone has driven a fork-lift into the back of Mike's trailer to unload or load mail; Mike can gas the truck as much as he wants but he's going to do serious damage to the truck and trailer before he can ever pull away from the dock. This gives the forklift driver or whomever else is in the back of the truck ample time to get out of the trailer before catastrophe ensues. However, here's the dirty little secret of the dock – there is a switch you can turn so it turns the same outer light to red and therefore “appears” to be locked in to the dock without actually engaging the lock. It saves no time and is only to be used if the lock is actively malfunctioning. Furthermore, everybody knows you are supposed to release the lock before you leave, but occasionally someone forgets and it's no big deal because of the giant red light that the driver sees when he looks into his mirror.
Fuckhead McGee actually tried to blame some dumbass not using the parking brake on me! On every other door in the entire facility, the expediter (or someone) locks that truck to the dock – period. I utilized the proper safety procedure that is there so somebody doesn't get killed or hurt and this guy seriously talked to me like I had committed a fault.
I stood and listened to his story for a minute. Then, I said the only thing that can be said.
“I'd be a real fucking asshole to accept responsibility for wrecking a truck that I wasn't even driving.”
My favorite mail handler just walked away after that.
TL,DR: I utilized a safety device at work and a co-worker tried to blame me for it, stating that it (and by greater extension, me) was responsible for causing an accident - not the fact that a driver exited the truck without the brakes properly engaged.
SDGrave: Seems to me that you didn't fuck up, the driver did.
beakerx82: It's more of a sarcastic fuck-up. In the eyes of normal, reasonable people (aka fellow redditors), I absolutely didn't fuck up. However, in the alternate universe where I work, I cramped some old douche's anal retentive way of doing things and therefore, I am the fuck-up in his eyes.
| 3 | 4 | |
1406211100 | 1406213609 | t3_2blgcs | t5_2to41 | 4 | ViciousAxel: TIFU by pointing a realistic looking paintball gun at riot police
Okay, so I'll start by saying nothing came of this but it could have ended pretty badly.
A bit of backstory: This was about a year ago. I played paintball now and again as a hobby. The site I played at provided markers for you, but they were old and would malfunction, so I bought my own lower end paintball marker. At home I used to keep it loaded with marbles on the off chance someone broke into the house or something. Up close you can tell it isn't a real gun, especially with all the various paintball parts attached like the hopper and the air canister, but from far away it looks close enough that most people would recognise it as a gun. Here's a picture of the model I have:
http://s1191.photobucket.com/user/Wabbit16/media/Tippmann%20Sierra%20One/DSC00500.jpg.html
So, at about 6am one morning I was woken up by loud banging and people yelling. My street is pretty quiet and we don't get much trouble, but the surrounding area can be fairly rough at times so I assumed it was chavs up to no good. I couldn't see out the window as my curtains were shut, so I grab my paintball gun, gas it up and open the window slowly, but I leave the curtains untouched so it's not as easy to see me. Gradually I peek through the gap between the curtains and the window frame, with the paintball gun pointing out from behind the curtains.
I then proceed to shit myself as I see a van full of riot police and a police car, and the riot police are knocking down the door of the house a couple doors down. Just as I'm taking all this in, one of the policemen standing at the car turns around looking towards my house. I quickly ducked back into the room, and it didn't look like he'd seen me, but in my still-half-dreaming, adrenaline fuelled state, I was convinced he saw myself and the barrel of what would have appeared to be a rifle sticking out the window. I got dressed and spent the next 30 minutes or so in quiet contemplation, expecting my door to be unceremoniously removed from it's hinges at any moment, or for an armed response unit to start pointing their guns, which they'd no doubt been itching to use, at me.
Well, I guess he didn't see me because the police left, and a joiner came to replace the woman's door with a plywood board on hinges. All's well that ends well I suppose!
RickTheHelper: This isn't r/TIAFU it's r/TIFU
moonkeh: Yeah! If it doesn't involve masturbation, anal sex or poop it shouldn't be here!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406212774 | 1406247039 | t3_2blj10 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: Tifu by having sex in a bathtub
So I had this breakup a while back, and I tried to do whatever it took to get her back, but to no avail, at least to my knowledge. Three days ago she asked to see me and had with her with a sincere apology letter, and we began talking again. A little more back story: her grandfather had recently passed.
So come last night, I got a hotel room because it was raining hard and I didn't have plans to stay anywhere (I'm couch hopping). So I get my room and she calls a couple hours later out of the blue saying a tree fell down on the power lines and she needed a place to stay, well of course I agree.
She comes over and we watch TV and talk about her grandfather and she tells me there's vodka in her car and that she really wants to get drunk. Well, I wasn't about to pass out on free vodka! So we start drinking. The thing about Ex's, even if you're talking again, the old feelings tend to resurface, and that's exactly what happened. Before I knew it, we were getting it on and she decides she wants to take a bath together. We're both fairly drunk at this point. So I get in the tub, she gets on top of me and starts going to town. (A little more back story: I hadn't jacked it in days). Idiot drunk me doesn't realize I'm about to finish and shoot my load right up in her. I must have had this look of horror on my face because she asks if everything's okay, and I tell her what happened. Well shit.
She gets out and gets all clean and I follow her out of the bathroom and we proceed to drink some more. A lot more. Now it's 9:37 and she has to be at her grandpa's funeral in an hour and she's still drunk, maybe impregnated, and half asleep. The upside, though, my relationship is saved..! For now...
Edit: We're safe, she hit her period.
808metz: Where an old life ends a new life starts eh! ..no? Ok no.
ffsnametaken: No one else was looking at this story from that angle, so...bravo, I guess
808metz: I mean let's be honest. You can't call a kid an accident when you're very well aware of what can come of having sex. Which is kids.
ffsnametaken: How about...inconvenience? :P
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1406213285 | 1406228581 | t3_2blju2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | ImNotALandscaper: TIFU by Mowing the Lawn
I've always lived in apartments and townhouses, so yard work and landscaping have always been taken care of for me.
Just moved into my first house so that responsibility lies on me, no biggie.
I take care of the backyard and make my way to the side, where there isn't quite as much grass but tons of little rocks and pebbles.....
I reallllly didn't think the lawnmower blades would actually hit the ground, in fact I took extra precaution by raising the wheels a little thinking it'd be that much safer.
Yeah, no.
Next thing I know i'm firing off a barrage at my neighbors place, slamming the side of their house, windows and two cars with rock and pebbles.
Real, real great way to make a first impression.
goddamnedsamsquanch: How low do you have your mower deck set? Remember, you only want to cut about a 1/4" off of the length of the grass.
mattluttrell: That's not right. You can cut way more than a quarter inch. Cutting no more than a third of the overall length of the grass is standard advice.
goddamnedsamsquanch: I usually start with a 1/4" and then make a second pass if I need to. Also don't end up with big clumps of clippings that way.
| 4 | 1 | |
1406213605 | 1406306123 | t3_2blkdk | t5_2to41 | 347 | ANewMachine615: TIFU by going to the bathroom.
I wake up and stumble into the bathroom for my morning deposit. Our bathroom door doesn't latch -- you can shut it, but someone pushing on it will open it without having to turn the knob. Anyway, I'm in the bathroom, getting ready to pee, when I hear the door creak open, followed by a meep. Oh god, that's my cat's "I need attention NOW" sound. But things have progressed, the stream has been released. The cat jumps up to what she believes is the toilet (it's common for her to stand there and get pets while we brush our teeth or whatnot). They intersect. I have peed on the cat. *I have peed on the cat*.
The cat yowls and takes off. I spend the next twenty minutes desperately trying to catch a freaked-out cat who is shaking my urine all over the house and rubbing it into the carpet. I eventually grab her and clean all the piss off her.
Things have never been quite the same between us.
itsjerrrr: that's catastrophic....
chadi4743: Are you kitten me right meow? That could have been better.
anonymity_is_bliss: Sorry, guys. I'll be right back. I gotta piss meow.
goingrogueatwork: I'm still feline pretty bad for OP.
| 5 | 69.4 | |
1406212585 | 1406217683 | t3_2blip3 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by being too lazy to lift my head while someone was talking to me
Not actually today, but will haunt me for life I'm sure. Studying hard for exams with a friend in a study room. In that exact room for 1-2 weeks, everyday. Friend goes to the bathroom, I hear him talking to the facilities staff in the hall.
Staff knocks and keys their way into the study room to empty the garbage. Small talk at first, my head still buried in my notes. Staff member jokingly says in reference to the friend she spoke with in the hall, "I hope he isn't working you too hard."
Head still in the books.
"Oh he's trying, he's a real slave driver."
Silence.
Look up. Staff is African-Canadian.
Face palm.
"Have a good night."
MilesGates: I don't get it. it's racist to refer to people as slave drivers now?
The_Hand_of_Sithis: Everything is racists now.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406214923 | 1406215801 | t3_2blmlg | t5_2to41 | 5 | Pissfacethrowaway: TIFU by rubbing my own piss on my face
So last night, but whatever. Yesterday was pretty warm in my neck of the woods so before bed I decided to take a shower to cool down. I had also had a few beers in me by this point so I was less than sober. I hop in the shower and two things begin to happen immediately. The first is that I begin to piss, because I'm a bit drunk and who the fuck doesn't pee in the shower. Did I mention I had had a few beers? This was a fairly substantial release of urine. The second is that the water starts to pool in the bottom of the tub. There's a hair catcher in the tub drain because my wife has long, thick hair that molts like a motherfucker and because we both shave in the shower and our pipes are easily clogged. Obviously my wife didn't clean it out after her last shower and it's preventing the water from going down the drain. I'm not planning on shaving tonight so I reach down and remove the hair catcher and put it on the ledge of the tub to be cleaned after my shower. Here's the fuck up. When I bent over my hair went under the shower's spray and got wet; when I stood back up the water began to drip down my face. Instinctively I wipe my face with my hand. The same hand that went into a backed up pool of my piss mixed with water in order to remove the hair catcher. So yeah... I wiped my face with a piss covered hand.
PM_ME_YOUR_TOE_PICS: It you had enough beers in you that you were drunk enough to start pissing without noticing it then your piss would be so diluted it's pretty much just water anyway.
Pissfacethrowaway: I didn't not notice that I was pissing. I didn't mean to imply that.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406216057 | 1406241921 | t3_2blojt | t5_2to41 | 7 | ClassyTurkey: TIFU: by posting to Twitter, "I'm going to assassinate the President."
So this story took place 5 years ago to my friend's daughter, but I was reminded of it today as she retold it.
My friend's daughter, Jesse(not really her name) was in her history class going over the JFK assassination and what lead up to the event. This included everything about JFK and Lee Harvey Oswald. That day in class they were reenacting the assassination and were going to lay out the classroom as the Dealey Plaza.
Jesse was given the role of Oswald thought it was interesting as she was suppose to assassinate the president. For some reason she wanted to tell her friends this so she posts on Twitter, "Time to assassinate the president." with NO CONTEXT.
Fast-forward 5 hours later in the day and Jesse's mother, a substitute in the school district, gets called down to the office. She is met by two guys in black suits who ask to speak with her. They inform her they are from the Secret Service and basically interrogate Jesse's mother asking if her daughter is Jesse ***** and if her Twitter handle is Jesse****. Being confused Jesse's mother tells the men they are correct and that her daughter is currently in class.
Jesse then gets pulled out of class and Jesse with her mother get asked tons of questions about why she had threatened to kill the president and that these things are taken very seriously. Jesse tries to explain what had happened thinking these guys can't be this serious. **THEY WERE**
Finally, after explaining the story, the Secret Service talking with the teacher to verify Jesse's story, and contacting all of Jesse's neighbors to ask a few questions they leave letting Jesse know that she really needs to be more careful about what she posts online. Did I forget to mention that Jesse was only 13?
**TL;DR: Friend's daughter tweets about killing the president for a school project, Secret Service shows up believing she is a terrorist.**
DakotaThrice: So you didn't even fuck up at all.
darkknate: Except for the TIFU title, that is.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406217440 | 1406219269 | t3_2blr38 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by wiping away signatures on a guitar
Disclaimer: This actually happened about 4 years ago while cleaning after just waking up
I felt like cleaning up the room a bit, using clorox wipes for dusting certain surfaces and such. I was used to cleaning my brother's guitar with clorox wipes, so I figured "Huh may as well clean my mom's guitar that has a bunch of signatures on it, after all they were written in permanent marker". Little did I know that clorox kinda wipes away old permanent marker pretty easily, so as I was cleaning up the guitar with clorox wipes, it wasn't until my mom asked what the hell happened to the signatures that I noticed they were almost completely wiped off. It was sitting in the case for awhile so I said "Oh...dunno, they must've just kinda went away since it's so old". It still haunts the back of my head to this day.
weaselbass: Who's signatures were they?
ScottWPilgrim: I have absolutely no idea.
I mean they're kinda wiped away, for the most part.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406215962 | 1406382515 | t3_2bloci | t5_2to41 | 90 | Themonstermichael: TIFU: by putting Metallica mp3 files on my mother's laptop.
For my birthday last year, I got a new tablet. I'm a huge music fan, so needles to say, I wanted tons of mp3 files saved to said tablet. Now, at the time, I had a computer with an extensive library. I synced my computers library with my tabled, which I had appropriately named "The Titanic" (you know, so I could *sync the Titanic*).
Anyways, later this year my brother went off and joined the Air-Force and his car was handed down to me. My brother's car had quite a few problems, but the biggest one was that the stereo only played music from the radio (which I really don't bother with too much anymore), and CDs. So naturally, I built an extensive CD collection on top of the huge library that I already had.
During this process, my computer went south. I did loose some important files, but all of the music files I had saved on it were on my tablet. Unfortunately, I had a giant pile of CDs amassed for the car stereo that were not on my computer, and therefore not on my tabletI could have just downloaded the files from the internet, but why would I bother going through that trouble when I already had the CDs?
At this point, I didn't have any way to take the digital files from the CDs and put them on my tablet. Anyways, since my computer had gone out, my mother had let me use her laptop as a replacement for things like Minecraft, Warcraft III, etc. At this point I decided that I would just use her computer to rip files from the CDs and then sync the Titanic once more.
In the past year, I've been on a huge Metallica binge. My Metallica collection included Kill Em All, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, The Black Album (don't judge me), and Load (again, don't judge me). Soon, I was jamming out to Metallica with my headphones plugged into my tablet.
It turns out that the files I'd added to my mom's laptop mixed into the library she had build, which was full of music meant to be played during her YOGA classes. As in, relaxing music. Calming meditation stuff; not a place for Metallica. This was apparent when, much to my mother's and her yoga students' displeasure, her laptop began playing Master of Puppets in the middle of her yoga class.
From what she told me happened in the class, most of the students were just confused, while an older couple who were her regular customers acted completely hostile. Turns out that they were very anti Metal/Rock/loud music. You know the type. People who think it's Satanic.
She explained it wasn't her intention to play Metallica during the class, but to no avail. After yelling (yes, *yelling*) at my mother about how she and I were going to hell for letting me listen to this music, the ass-hat husband of the couple decided to march up to the owner of the gym my mother teaches her class at. He demands that my mother is fired, and says he's in shock after being tricked into hearing "the devil's soundtrack".
Turns out the gym owner doesn't like Metallica either.
After facing the very real threat of losing her job, my mother pleads to him that this was a fluke, and was my fault for not deleting the files when I was done. After he realized it wasn't my mother's fault, and he and the other student have NO FUCKING SAY in what I should listen to, he lets my mother go with a warning. Honestly, I don't think the gym owner thought it was as big a deal as the disgruntled student was. He just really wanted to keep the customer happy, I guess. But hey, that old man certainly wasn't spending any money at the gym through ways other than my mother's yoga class.
He stormed out of the gym and was never seen again by my mother. My mother was mad at me, but cooled down after she realized how stupid this whole situation was, and that none of this would have mattered if that jackass hadn't tried to get my mother fired over *a fucking Metallica song*. She still lets me use her laptop. As a matter of fact, she lets me keep back up files of all my music on her laptop now, with a separate playlist for pure yoga music. I guess this fuck up ended up being beneficial to me in the end...
PM_ME_YOUR_MICROWAVE: Christ, if they though Metallica was devil music, what would they make of Lamb of God or Vader.
Isak922: Metallica?
Devil Music?
Introduce them to some Gwar!
VicinityGhost: Or why not some fucking Dimmu Borgir?
Themonstermichael: Look, I can thing of numerous bands that are more "evil" than Metallica, but it doesn't matter to people like this. Everything with an electric guitar is evil.
Samtoast: [Deicide](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpH5kM312WU)
| 6 | 15 | |
1406218153 | 1406230531 | t3_2blsfw | t5_2to41 | 393 | FlashingKing: TIFU: Dorito's Loaded (this is just how I remember it)
This is just how I remember it: It's sitting there, the only one of its kind, under the warm, yellow light of the trademark 7-Eleven heat lamps, among the hot dogs and pizza and very scant chicken wings, in an orange or red or yellow informationless box. The first thing you wonder is how long it's been there. Just one day? Not likely. Could have been there since the beginning of the week. You don't know what kind of sick human being would be buying these things, and what's more, what kind of sick human being would be selling them. And, you aren't sure whether the fact that there is only one box is a good sign, or a horrible one.
The second thing you wonder is how did the powers up high get away with not listing any ingredients, not listing any nutrition facts, no company information, no phone number? Isn't this America? Doesn't the USDA know about these things? Now that you think of it, was there even a bar code on the thing? Are they even being tracked? But fuck it, you endured the pleadings of the homeless and the malicious stares of shady characters that plague 7-Eleven's the world over, and you're drunk and you're hungry and you're not going to let a couple questions stop you from doing the one thing you came here to do. The man in front of you finalizes his transaction with the cashier, you don't know what the hell is in that cup that he's walking out with, and you don't want to.
Can I have the Doritos Loaded, please? You try to make it sound casual, but that's impossible. The cashier--an older Indian man with a cleft palate--won't look you in the eye. He may have smirked a little, or is that just the way his face is? But at last, the box is in your hands. You walk out of the store with your cursed treasure. The heat of the box is not uniform; it is scalding in some places, but cool in others. On opening the box, you get the immediate waft of tire rubber burning out, but is that because you opened the box simultaneously with your store exit, and are now back out on the city streets? You fucking hope so. Even though the box had pockets of heat, the nachos--four of them--are ubiquitously cool. You think about high school chemistry and physics, and how some molecules--due to their complex atomic arrangements and degrees of directional and rotational freedom--have high specific heat capacities. So what complex arrangements are in these that would keep them mysteriously cool after what could have been an entire day under a heat lamp? But you shake off the thought.
Now, you realize, it has come high time to eat this strange beast of unknown nature and unknown origin. You raise it to your mouth, and take a bite. The way it feels in your mouth...it's not crunchy, but it's not soft either. It's decidedly in the middle of that spectrum. The next thing that strikes you is how little distinction there is between what is purportedly cheese and what is perhaps bread. Bread and cheese, grain and dairy, form into one; a twisted Voltron. The overriding taste is salt and seasoning, and you do mean overriding. You liken it to the way powdered Gatorade would taste if you emptied two full packages into half a glass of water, except with Dorito seasoning on lab-generated breadsticks. Or, like a gulp of the Dead Sea, with nacho seasoning instead of salt. And beyond that dominant taste, there is a deep and flavorless void. There is nothing but salt, nothing but seasoning. You look to the inside, which is now revealed from the bite you took, and it is dark out but clear as day that that's not cheese. Cheese would be melty, stringy, tasty. You know what cheese is. That's not cheese. You finish the first one, and already feel sick. There are three left. You scarf down one more, in hopes that it might be better than the first. Negative. The immediate impulse inside you says to chuck the rest of the fucking box down an alleyway, where it will never be seen again. The other impulse says give it to a homeless person, because some calories are better than none. You're feeling charitable, so you give it away. You don't look the man in the eye, just like the cashier wouldn't look you in the eye. He says Bless your heart, sir. He smells like piss and shit. You say nothing, walk away, and go home. You brush your teeth, trying to rid yourself of the memory. You lay in bed. You're restless. You keep thinking that you're a terrible human being for giving them away to the homeless man, that you should have buried them deep in the ground so that no one could ever get their hands on them. It's a sleepless night.
You wake up the next morning, and your instinct is to tell people about what happened right away. You're haunted by it. You need to get the experience off your chest. You start writing about it on your phone on the bus to work, but that bleeds over into writing about it at your desk. Your boss eventually comes up to you and asks you what the fuck you've been doing all morning. You say, I've been writing about Doritos Loaded, because you can't think of anything else to say, because it's the only thing on your mind. You get fired. You pack your shit, you go home. You start applying for jobs, but aren't getting any bites. You keep having strange visions. You move back home but your mom kicks you out of the house for being a loser and acting strange. You still can't find a job. You start to live out on the streets. You're hungry. You start to turn to alcohol, because it takes the pain and hunger away. Then, one night weeks later, you're down in the darkest pit you've ever been in your life, pure rock bottom, your beard is full and nasty, your clothes smell like piss and shit and CVS mouthwash because the liquor store won't sell you liquor anymore, you're begging for money, food, anything...and then, you look down the sidewalk, and some drunk kid is approaching. He walks up to you and hands you a box.
12eward: This might deserve a /r/nosleep crosspost
Voyager5555: think you mean /r/noparagraphs
FlashingKing: Honestly, I thought about paragraphs, but deliberately chose no paragraphs as a stylistic choice. I think they represent the Dorito's Loaded well: formless, tasteless, oversaturated, etc.
therealfreddykaiser: > represent the Dorito's Loaded well: formless, tasteless, oversaturated, etc.
Like the dump you took after?
Iceman_7: I wouldn't say *tasteless*...
| 6 | 65.5 | |
1406185379 | 1406263004 | t3_2bkphb | t5_2to41 | 4 | k0ngzy: TIFU by taking 5 ambien.
Well it was actually last night but i was having some shock and never really thought about the sitiuation but here it goes.
Me and my friend had been really bored and i have always fucked around with ambien but never taken more than 2 (20mg) and well we decided to take 3 each in conjunction with a 20mg adderrall. The idea sounded amazing when the plan was to play /r/dota2 all night but some how we wound up outside wondering the neighborhood witnessing people walking around us seeing double or triple of people. Well fast forward a little bit and we found these giant concrete tubes setup on their side like a typical cylinder in elementary.
Of course we decided to both climb in.
Soon after inside it was completely dark and we could just see eachothers face... It got weird... So we climbed out.
We then wandered into an open field near the bay in my area and talked to moving trees about "the destination nature had set us on" then these 2 pretentious bitches (sorry about sexism they just were) tried telling us we couldnt be there and the land was owned by a neighbor.
Sure enough me and my friend walked right into his backyard and shot up a conversation on why he should let us chill in the field.
With my sly charm and wits i talked him into it. Kappa.
Directly after that we were sitting on the bank of this bay on wood and some how we came to the idea to swim down a little cannel into my friends yard and run home in our boxers.
We took our clothes off and jumped into the water and to our tripped surprise, the entire thing was mud and rocks and trees. Thr only thing that kept coming to my mind was the fact that we were walking in kraft cheese.
Very soon after jumping in, thankfully, the neighbors rushed over and demanded we get out, but of course my trip ass head was dead set on having an adventure of a lifetime and i told him to go fuck himself and we wondered down about another 10 feet and found ourselves trying to make a raft out of dead tree limbs so that we could float down the channel and get away from the neighbors qucker.
That clearly was a fucking mistake and luckily my mom showed up around this time and was totally like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ITS 9:30 PM AND UR GONNA GET EATEN BY GATORS AND SNAKES!!"
This statement could be no more true as there had been plenty of aligators there in previous years and we got out of that water as fast as possible.
I tripped the rest of the night and talked myself into believing i had the schizs.
Honestly was probably one of the most traumatic events in my life and i think im gonna chill for awhile.
tl;dr: took amvien, talked to trees and pushed my way through swamp cheese before my mom saved my life.
EDIT: did this whole thing on an iphone thats cracked to shit. Gimme a break.
808metz: Dude. tripping on Ambien can be dangerous. Tripping on to much is just stupid.
k0ngzy: Its really quite irritating when people try telling me things i already know. It was an awful mistake but i was hooked on them for some time.
808metz: Well I'm glad you acknowledge it bro
k0ngzy: Yeah, im taking a break from drugs for awhile. That gave me a much needed clarity.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1406221064 | 1406266027 | t3_2blxst | t5_2to41 | 8 | YouAreSoJelly: TIFU by
Edit: OH NO my title was not posted....
I'm a frequent flier, so I am used to flight horror stories. Usually these stories involve cringeworthy passengers; I've sat next to crying babies, Chatty Cathies, and even a woman that slept with her eyes open, "staring" at me the entire flight. However, today I was an unsuspectedly terrible person to sit next to.
Just some backstory, I am working on some concept art for a friend's project. He wanted different drawings of a anthropomorphic pig-man-superhero for a game app. I am not completely sure what that entails, but I love drawing cute cartoony characters so I obliged.
TIFU by flying. Today was my flight to see my friend and I wanted to have a lot of drawing ideas for him. I expected to spend the flight drawing. I sit in an aisle seat and relax, put in some earphones, and start doodling. As more people get in their seats, I pay little attention. As the man across the aisle from me sits down, I hear a quick coughing noise over my music. The noise happens a few more times, but I paid little attention to it.
A half hour or so goes by, and I am glad to have gotten some quick ideas on paper. When we leave the gate, I take out my earphones to listen to the captain, and I hear the noise again. Un muffled by music, I notice it's more like a snorting noise and it is coming from the man across the aisle. I put my things away and as we take off it becomes clear that he has some sort of tic that makes him involuntarily snort every minute or so. It is then that I come to the horrible realization that he could easily have seen my drawings of pig men I so proudly drew. I steal a glance to the side and see a manly tear streak down his face. I sat the rest of the flight in silent horror at how badly he must feel, but too scared to say anything to him.
TLDR; I inadvertently made the man next to me on a flight cry...
Voyager5555: ?
AlwaysFeedTheYaoGuai: It would seem he had some kind of psychological problem associated with pigs or something.
iLeo: From what I understood, the man can't help snorting every now and then and may have assumed OP was drawing him as pig-man.
| 4 | 2 | |
1406219510 | 1406263109 | t3_2bluy0 | t5_2to41 | 212 | elfliner: TIFU by giving a girl a piggyback ride
On the walk home from the bar last night I asked the girl I was with if she wanted a piggyback ride. She accepted and jumped on. Everything was going fine until I tripped. Because my arms were under her legs I had nothing to stick out to catch myself. My face broke both of our falls.
http://imgur.com/NZ3hg5c
[deleted]: You totally got laid behind that didn't you?
Cardboardlion: well, if he broke his arms from the fall too...
DIDYOURDAD: His mom might be able to help him.
typhoon937: Every. Fucking. Thread.
DIDYOURDAD: To be honest, I didn't know what such a comment meant until a couple days ago. I'm new to reddit. But it seemed really funny to me.
High_pot_nuse: Welcome, fresh meat.
Aritstol: Welcome new treat.
| 8 | 26.5 | |
1406220887 | 1406240630 | t3_2blxhh | t5_2to41 | 19 | Murican_deal_with_it: TIFU by letting my friend use my phone.
zna03: Must have been bad... Scat party man? Really?
Murican_deal_with_it: It not one of my fetishes. I just did it once because I was curious. He might have seen the history of that 1 time though...
allusernaesareused: Gay furry porn? Really?
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1406224094 | 1406228095 | t3_2bm3gx | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my iPod too loud and ignoring a muffled sound as I walked down the sidewalk.
So I was walking with my earbuds in and I was looking pretty classy. Hair and makeup did, conservative yet form fitting dress, etc. I walked by a group of about 10 or so guys, all black. They started yelling catcalls at me. I'm usually not a stuck up bitch but these guys were being really rude, so I pretended they weren't there and turned up my iPod. As I walk by, they keep yelling things and gesturing to me until suddenly, I hear an odd sound, but can't tell what it is because my iPod was too loud. The group of guys start laughing hysterically. At this point in time, I just wanted to get away from them, so I ignore the sound and keep walking.
About 10 minutes later, I glance at my phone and notice I have 6 missed calls. Suddenly, I realize why all of those pervs suddenly stopped catcalling and started cracking up when I walked past them. My ringtone. (maybe NSFW) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwzL23asWGs
moonkeh: TYFU by having an iPod as well as a phone instead of just using said phone as music player
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Spoiled 'Murricans.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406226884 | 1406237444 | t3_2bm8rw | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to get my coworker fired
I work with a horrible horrible nurse who will soon kill someone. She called out this morning (for the 56th time in 9 months, no joke) and I was called in to cover on my day off. Pissed, and hating her, I "accidentally" dropped a control medication (one that needs to be counted), so that she would look like her narcotic count is off. She's already on probation and this would finally get her out. Anyway, I do it, crumble the pill between my fingers and flush it in the toilet, and then count up the rest of the meds. Turns out, she had fucked up, and her count was off by 1/2 pill, by me trying to sabotage her the count was now correct. Looking back, the control count was off, because when she called out last week I hadn't updated it correctly.. fuck.
[deleted]: with any luck you're the one she kills.
liquid_j: ah yes, the ends justifies the means.... so much good has happened throughout history with such a terrific mindset. :/
If you can't grasp how sociopathic your actions are, I weep for those around you.
[deleted]: seriously. get off your high horse and fuck yourself
liquid_j: Im sorry, don't you have some other frame ups to plan? Serously, you tried to pin the theft of narcotics on someome, possibly getting them thrown in prison yet I'm the one on a high horse? Who do you think you are, nurse Dredd?
Edit: actually, come to think of it, you actually did steal narcotics from a patient... You belong in prison.
[deleted]: I'm sorry, don't you have a life to live? Or mum to suck her tits? Instead of giving unsolicited advice?
liquid_j: Lol, i'd delete my account too if i were you.
| 7 | 0.285714 | |
1406228053 | 1406256114 | t3_2bmb1j | t5_2to41 | 152 | yorollupthegrass: TIFU by not throwing a piece of paper away and getting a 3-day suspension (NSFW)
This didn't happen today but a long time ago in high school. This was the most embarrassing day of my life and I still cringe at the thought of it. I sincerely apologize in advance if my actions in my story offend any of you, for it was my dumb ass taking over and not me in my right mind. This is a long read, but it's a pretty bad fuck up. This is my first real post to reddit, so bear with me.
So here I am, along with my two friends (we'll call the victim Victor and the 2nd offender Michael). Our first class of the day was English, and man, it dragged like hell. We went to the computer lab that day to do research on an in-class essay we would later take that week, and our teacher was handing us handouts to help us organize our ideas and reasoning. As usual, Victor started playing an online flash game he always plays when we are in the computer lab. Michael was minding his own business at the time. This is when the first fatal flaw had been done. Victor wrote his name on the handout that he knew he was never going to touch again. So I sat there, researching through long articles and writing down a couple of key points for my essay. However, this didn't last long. My boredom levels started flying off the charts and so did Michael's. A rather "normal" thing to do in my high school was draw a swastika on people's papers out of boredom. So I drew a swastika on Victor's paper. This is when it all began. Michael started giggling and he took Victor's paper and left his own marking on it. Keep in mind that Victor was completely aware of all of this and he just let it happen.
Michael handed me Victor's handout and I saw that he drew a giant penis on the paper, with a twist. He gave the penis glasses, a tie, hair, etc. and made it look like a professor. I decided that a swastika wasn't enough. I drew the Nazi party flag and drew Hitler saying, "HEIL HITLER!" Michael took the paper and began drawing various types of penises. He started laughing what sounded like a dying hyena and he suppressed it the second my teacher gave him a glare. My teacher's notice of our foolish giggling should've been my cue to stop doing what I was doing immediately; however, dumb ass me took over. So a swastika, a Nazi flag and a stick figure Hitler saying, "HEIL HITLER!" wasn't enough for me, right? I began drawing a *Nazi anal party.* I drew a Nazi threesome giving each other anal. I show Michael and Victor and they both start laughing. The bell rings and we are all packing up to leave. So what did I do next? I went full retard. And remind me, ladies and gents, what don't we do? Go full retard. I left the paper on the table where Victor was sitting and was expecting him to actually put it in his folder. So off we go to 2nd period.
Later that day, it was 8th period (math) and I sat there, bored out of my mind. Security comes to the door suddenly and requests that (insert name here) comes with her to the Dean's office. For those who are unfamiliar with what a Dean is, they are basically the school's principals. So my math teacher tells me to pack up and follow her. Me, walking down the stairs with the security guard, is thinking, *this can't be anything bad, what could I possibly have done wrong?* I walk into the Dean's office and see Michael and Victor there, unaware of why us three had been called down. Then it hit me. The handout. The stupid fucking handout. The Dean calls all three of us in and explains that my Jewish English teacher finds the handout sitting on the table, exactly where I left it. She then asks us to admit to who drew what. Victor says he didn't draw anything, so he sat there as Michael admitted to the large various penis drawings and as I admitted to the Nazi anal party, the Nazi Flag, and the swastika. She then makes us apologize to Victor, and she sends him out of the room. Michael and I sat in the room to receive our punishment. Michael got a 1 day in-school suspension. I got a 2 day out-of-school suspension and a 1 day in-school suspension. Along with phone calls home to our parents. We left the office, regretting our stupidity to the max and scared of the ass whooping waiting for us at home. Luckily, my parents were only informed of the swastikas, and they even had to Google it to realize what it was (English is not their first language) and they weren't informed of the Nazi anal threesome. Amazingly, my dad didn't punish me for it but me, a good kid who never gets in trouble (especially after countless swastikas drawn before the incident), I was super depressed and angry with myself. I still haven't drawn swastikas since that day.
I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE AGAIN IF MY DUMB ASS ACTIONS OFFENDED YOU IN ANYWAY. I MEANT NO OFFENSE IN ANYWAY.
**TL;DR** Me and my friend drew penises, swastikas, Hitler, and a Nazi anal party on a friend's paper, I didn't throw the paper away, and I got a 3 day suspension.
orilykid: well every teenager learns their lesson eventually, you got yours. We all did stupid shit at that age. I am kinda curious to see the drawings though...
yorollupthegrass: Yea, me and my friends still laugh about it. I always wondered what happened to the drawings. They were probably thrown away but I like to think they were put in a briefcase and put in some secret vault to be used against me later in life.
JD-King: Just be on the lookout if you ever run for president.
mattpc57: *Fuhrer.
yorollupthegrass: I just died reading that xD
BumWarrior69: RiP OP
| 7 | 21.714286 |
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