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1406227373 | 1406301932 | t3_2bm9p6 | t5_2to41 | 157 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to erase my phone browser history
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and things have been great. We recently moved so I can start a new job and she has been super busy trying to find one herself. As a result of the moving and job search stress, she's gained a little weight- nothing major, but she used to be very very thin so it was a little noticeable. Well even though it's not even nearly problematic yet I was trying to figure out how to broach the topic in the least offensive manner, which led me to google 'How to tell your girlfriend she's getting fat'. One of the suggestions was doing more active dates, so the next day I suggested we go on a hike. An hour in, she gets stung by a bee and asks, "hey kunderthunt, I left my Phone in the car can I use yours to look up bee sting remedies?" Without thinking I agree and when she types "how to" into the search bar it auto fills "tell your girlfriend she's getting fat". So now my poor beautiful gf thinks that I think she's fat even though I don't and it was just the most obvious google search I could come up with at the time. Fuck.
AcuraTSX6spd: Ingonito everything, EVERYTHING
Sileos: I actually prefer Inburrito mode.
thegreatbacteria: Is that only available on Google Ultron?
Bautine: We are IT
| 5 | 31.4 | |
1406225598 | 1406240211 | t3_2bm6eh | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU: By leaving my lunch on the table.
I've made a lot of fuckups over the years, but they're all those kind of long, gradual fuckups. I never get the final destination, "If one thing changed" moment and the immediate payout after my failure, so it kind of punched me in the gut.
This morning I hopped out of bed, and felt awful. It's allergy season here and I've got a sore throat and feel woozy. I thought about calling out from work, but I did that on Monday and I didn't want to lose pay, so I got up and got ready to work anyway.
My wife packed me a lunch, which I scooped up as I was heading out the door. I guess I realized I forgot something, because I put the lunch bag on the table. And then as I left, I just walked past it. If this were a scene in a movie, a camera would have done a weird angle shot of me walking out the door and my lunch bag sitting in a prominent role just off-center.
I stop at the gas station for some soda and made the odd decision to pick up their mcgriddle knockoff. Got to work, scarfed down the sandwich and got to it. A couple hours go by and the sugar rush is starting to wear off, my break comes up and I go for my lunch (I had some pop-tarts in there) only to realize I didn't bring it with me to work. My plan B was to take a nap in a room reserved for that purpose (it's a cool place to work) but the room was reserved. So I decided to go to the cafeteria.
Now, I've been having bad experiences in the cafeteria lately. My breaks are 15 minutes long, so if I want something that has to be cooked I've gotta be in and out immediately. The last two times I went down for breakfast or lunch I had to leave without my food. So the guy at the counter takes my order, but he forgets to put part of it on the griddle. I mention it to him and he just kind of blows me off. Childishly, I muttered "whatever" and just went off to use the bathroom because I didn't really care at this point.
I get back to the bathroom, and the short order cook guy gets shitty with me for walking off. I tell him to forget it, just give me the part of the order he'd cooked and I'd pay for it and go. I don't understand why, but he refused. There's a couple pieces of french toast sitting there on the griddle and he won't give me that part because of the egg he didn't cook? Finally I just threw my hands up in the air, and went off to talk to the manager. Not to be shitty, but this was a *recurring* problem, keep in mind.
In an admittedly unprofessional moment, in the process of describing my complaint, I fuck-comma'd. I don't know why I fuck-comma'd, but it happened. She got really offended, interrupted me, and basically refused to hear my complaint at this point. She raised her voice at me, I raised my voice at her. Then some guy walks by and starts getting in my grill about the argument, but he didn't hear how it started, I told him to mind his own business and continued to try to state my complaint to the manager. Finally it reached the point where I exited the conversation.
Well, it turns out the person who had walked by was an executive, and about a half hour later I learned that I was fired.
FTR: We had a pretty swear friendly culture at work. The whole thing, from start to finish, in the cafeteria was pretty unprofessional, but I've seen people in the building get away with a whole lot worse.
If it hadn't been an executive, if I hadn't accidentally said fuck in the middle of a sentence, if it hadn't been the third botched order in a row, if the nap room hadn't been in use, if I'd not eaten that stupid breakfast sandwich whose sugar crash made me hungry in the first place... And then in the end, if I'd have just remembered to take my lunch with me to work, I'd still have a job.
In the end I fucked up in a lot of ways in this story, and in a perfect spiral of fuckups, the butterfly that started the hurricane is a lunch bag sitting on a table, mocking me.
Heading you off at the pass edit: yes I'm aware I *actually* fucked up by being an asshole, but the lunchbag on the table was the only reason I was in the cafeteria in the first place.
Phiwi: How the fuck can you get fired for that shit? Oh, its 'Murica, I guess.
Bel_Marmaduk: The wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time, basically. My boss admitted that if it hadn't happened in front of an exec (specifically the VP of our division :| ) I probably would have just been hit with a disciplinary and that would have been that. It's life, though. I'll move on.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406225100 | 1406273517 | t3_2bm5fz | t5_2to41 | 6 | Eggr0ll13: TIFU by "Preordering" Destiny from Walmart
I was struck by a sudden need to try the Beta for Destiny on PS4 last night around 9:15PM. Everything other than Walmart is closed at 9. I went and purchased, what I thought was, the preorder for Destiny, gaining me access to the Beta testing.
After much frustration and an hour searching online to figure out how to get the 9 digit code required to unlock the Beta version I gave up until this morning.
I took my "Preorder" card up to Walmart and discussed with their staff. I was informed what I purchased was not really a preorder, it was a reservation card, and at that it didn't even really guarentee a copy when released. All they are really selling is a $5 gift card with the name of the game on it.
This makes much more sense. Several people had posted online how frustrated they were that the preorder from Walmart didn't come with the code. They didn't preorder, they purchased a $5 gift card.
One might say, "Wait! The Bungie website says that Walmart is one of the authorized retailers selling preorders!" You are correct, this is only possible through the online store, paying full retail price for the game. You will never access the code from the $5 gift card.
In addition, since I scratched off the back of the gift card in an attempt to find the code, I was told I could not return my purchase. I told the manager this was not acceptable as he had sold me nothing but a card that said Destiny on it. He offered to give me a normal $5 gift card in return.
All said and done, I went over to GameStop where a freindly staff member took my $5, game me a receipt with the 9 digit code and even told me that I could return the $5 if I am not happy with the game. I am not happily awaiting the download on my PS4.
Leason learned, Don't buy preorders from Walmart. Just wait until morning when GameStop is open!
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: >Gamestop
.
>Plzstop.
Sibire: Better than Walmart.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406227697 | 1406229172 | t3_2bmacg | t5_2to41 | 38 | HowdumbamI: TIFU by going camping with my dad and his GF
TIFU by going camping with my dad and his GF. The camping part wasn't bad, it was at night that the FU happened. Even though I was in my own tent I had to listen to them have sex as their sex noises echoed throughout the valley.
Needless to say therapy will not fix this.
PM_ME_YOUR_DUCK_FACE: But how hot was his GF?
Will_Fuck_4_Karma: The important question
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1406227858 | 1406267329 | t3_2bmaob | t5_2to41 | 27 | TripleFFF: TIFU by getting a phonecall while peeing
>[Inspired by /u/thanks_barkeep. ](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bl9uh/tifu_by_flushing_my_debit_card_down_the_toilet/)
Not from today, it was ages ago, but I nearly repeated it tonight.
I had just knocked off work and stopped by a mate's house on my way home. They had just moved into an old, 70's style apartment block and needed some help bringing their stuff in.
I was busting for a leak, so I dashed inside and headed for the toilet.
The toilet was an old style toilet, rather like the apartment actually, and instead of an S bend it just had a straight pipe going down.
I was wearing a hoodie at the time, and my phone was in the middle pocket. I was paranoid about losing stuff out of the front pocket, so I took my phone and keys out and placed them carefully on the cistern.
I begin peeing, keeping a sharp eye on my phone, lest I accidentally bump it. All was going well! I finished, zipped up, FLUSHED THE TOILET, stretched out my hand and...
**ZZZZZT ZZZZZZT ZZZZZZZZZSPLASH!**
My beautiful, trusty Nokia 3220 chose that *exact moment* to get a phone call. It lit up like a spacecraft taking off and zoomed off the porcelain tank into a perfect, nose down swan dive. The powerful vibrator motor, the one that had won me so many lunchtime phoneraces, propelled it gleefully towards it's demise. The toilet was still in full Niagra flush mode. I thrust my hand downward, and just felt my fingertips graze the soft, well worn plastic before it flashed once and was gone.
I lost 600 phone numbers that day. Both SIM and phone memory were crammed. Not to mention the fact that this phone was WICKED COOL back then, the first smartphone of it's kind, and you could wave swear words to eachother from the blinking light at the back. I was gutted
f_unit: I've heard stories like these. Phones, flushed down toilets, mutating into huge Sewer Nokias, and terrorizing homeless people and stray animals with their luminescence and sinister buzzing. Folks say sometimes late at night you can still hear ringtones echoing through underground tunnels.
blizzardinaugust: The worst part? *there is no defeating them.* they are - invincible
| 3 | 9 | |
1406228111 | 1406240725 | t3_2bmb63 | t5_2to41 | 85 | JollyTaxpayer: TIFU by being locked in a car park till 3am and waking up an entire hotel whilst trying to escape
Greetings all, first time poster here so please bare with me.
One of the *very few* perks of my old job was that I get to attend yearly awards evenings, normally with an all expenses paid bar, to celebrate whatever accomplishment my company achieved recently.
On this one occasion the formal evening was held at a hotel near where I lived so I volunteered to be the driver for my two colleagues needing a lift. The night was great: good food, good people and naturally the evening went on to the early hours and soon it was time to go. So I walk back to my car alone (alcohol + hotel + close co-workers = no need for a lift) and I drive up the garage ramp till I'm one ticket barrier away from the road.
The ticket machine is about 20 foot away from the barrier. I insert my ticket, let the machine works it's magic, it wishes me a safe drive home aaaaand...
...
...the barrier doesn't open. I look at the machine and it's still illuminated with black text saying "have a safe journey!"
Minutes pass and With a sigh I hit the button to speak to someone. Nothing. So I reverse my car away from the ticket machine into a nearby parking space and head back to the hotel. I reach the reception desk and the girl had no idea what to do: first time it's happened apparently. She calls the company that installed the barrier and they can only send someone out at 8am. According to my watch that was a good 5 hour wait. *For fucks sake*
I wasn't having it. I was tired and wanted my bed. I went back to the barrier found I could lift it up but not keep it up...What I needed was something to prop it up. And that's when I remembered seeing a dumpster by the stairs in the car park! I went back and sure enough the dumpster looked taller than my car. It was moveable to, although it made a horrid scraping noise. Thankfully it was only a 50 or so foot push to the barrier. But the noise was **torturous** and cut straight to the bone!
Naturally I had staff going running out in a flutter:
"Sir! What are you doing?"
"Your barrier's bust and I wanna go home."
"So what are you doing with the bin?"
"I'm going to prop the barrier up and drive under"
"You can't do that, you'll break the barrier!"
"It's already broken"
"Sir, I think you ought to stop!"
"I think you ought to Fuck off!"
So he did, to go call the police or something. I resumed scrapping up the tarmac with my bin when a big guy was shouting from one of the hotel balconies.
At this point I noticed just how many people were staring. Loads of eyes at almost all the windows watching some clown down below push a bin around a car park. I got into a brief argument with this guy, who thankfully didn't take up my offer of coming down to me Man to Man (he was a *huge* guy!), but I eventually pushed the bin to the barrier and was able to prop the barrier on top of the bin.
It was gonna be tight but I took my chance a chose to drive my car underneath. By now hotel room lights were on, managers were outside, all eyes on me and I'm hell bent on going home.
I get into my car, put it into gear and drive. I drive past the fuming staff, past the stupid ticket machine , still illuminated wishing me a safe journey and as I approach the barrier, when I get to within 6 feet of it...the *bloody* thing raises! The machine kicks into life and raises the bar up above the bin allowing me past. I cannot quite remember the torrent of rage that came out of my mouth once I was free but let's just say I was furious...
As was my boss the next day. Apparently I was still representing the company at 3am. I got an earful from him and my colleagues who heard my story. "Oh JollyTaxpayer couldn't get it up!" they would crackle.
Bastards.
**TLDR** Leaving a hotel in my car from a lock-up garage and when I put my ticket in the machine the barrier didn't move. So I dragged a dumpster across the car park making a god awful noise to prop up the barrier so I could drive under it. Once I got back in my car and drove near the barrier I set the sensor off and the barrier raised normally. Fml.
f_unit: One of the few perks of your old job was something that only happened once a year? You must be glad you ditched that lame gig.
JollyTaxpayer: Well, it was no valve [but lame?](https://imgflip.com/i/akuu9)
f_unit: I was just saying it would be nice to have more perks than some once-a-year thing. Somebody who started the job the day after the ceremony would have to wait like twelve whole months.
JollyTaxpayer: That it would be. Tbh I don't know of any smallish company these days that could realistically afford to treat all it's employees. Economies eh?
| 5 | 17 | |
1406229869 | 1406239058 | t3_2bmelc | t5_2to41 | 5 | jms122589: TIFU by smoking weed for the first time while drinking alcohol
So I have tried smoking pot about three times during high school but never really felt any thing and had zero interest in doing it again. Fast forward about seven years and I'm a bit curious about it again. I was having some drinks with a buddy who really likes his bud. A few drinks in and I ask if I can try "smoking" with him. He agreed and we commenced the smoking. I had three hits out of a oney and felt it kick in a bit so I stopped. I felt a bit giggly at first but all of the sudden I felt hyper aware of every single noise in the house. Shorty later colors seemed to jump off the walls. The rest of the night was crippling anxiety, random hallucinations, mood swings, and conversations that would go a million miles an hour. I decided from the get go I would document my feelings on my iphone here's what I woke up to the next morning:
"This is the most peacefull anxiety I have ever felt
Came down from the worst anxiety now I have a dry mouth
Saw randomness out of the corner of my eye
Tons of shit out of the corner of my eye
Fuck is this shit really normal weed
Fuck o wait this feel fine
O
Duck
I am ahitttttyyy
Weed isn't weed it's the truth it's the actual truth
Appliances make fucked up sounds
Fuck
My iphone just turned to a blackberry
I feel I every mental illnesses
Fuch
Mood to mood
Fucked up to normal and short high
Omfg colors of things around me are kinda moving towards the center (have been since the start but now really intense)
Ok thank god things are slowing down and my mouth isn't dry
I have slight hailixantions
But it isn't bad carlos looks like ET every thing else looks like my parents last summer
This is sureal
It feelsik mini shocks and strong ness
Thijgs are weird man
Carlson soundedike carter
Things are getting to normal but I still have weird indignation things and cartoon floaters
No more anxiety...that was the worst"
So basically I feel like if I wasn't so drunk and in a relaxed place I would have enjoyed my experience more.
TL;DR: drank smoked bud, tripped balls, never again.
saris1: That Marijuana was laced with something... because unless you smoked A LOT (and by a lot I mean like 8-9 Joints to yourself) of Marijuana there is no way that it would be able to produce those sorts of hallucinogenic effects after 3 'hits' ... not even mixed with Alcohol. Your buddy better be careful because he's smoking weed laced with some sort of hallucinogenic compound.
jms122589: Yea i had kind of thought that as well. I remember asking my buddy over and over if he was positive this was only weed. He didn't give a straight answer. I was just really surprised because I was expecting a nice relaxing night but instead I had the cirque du sole going on in the living room.
Voyager5555: > He didn't give a straight answer
There you go.
jms122589: Haha yea it was basically ramblings of people put different things in the fertilizer...I feel I should mention he seemed pretty calm and just typically baked while I'm sitting and freaking out so idk we smoked the same thing and he seemed fine.
Deseluma: I would answer the same way, he buys it. He isn't going to tell you its pure weed when he cant be 100% sure, he doesn't want to lie to you. I'm Sure he didn't think it was laced but there are sprays to make it weigh more etc, not necessarily to make you trip. It was probably strong shit and you were drinking too so it mixed.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1406229977 | 1406235387 | t3_2bmesn | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to have a one night stand
Ok, so this was a few weeks ago, but still thought I'd share.
So there's this girl that lives down my road about 5 doors down from me. About a solid 7. We've known each other for a while, meet at parties etc but nothing has happened yet. I want to bang her though, and I've wanted to for a while.
Well, cue a party about 3 mins walk from both our houses. It started as a small gathering so didn't bring much alcohol. By about 10 this thing was in full swing so went home to get more booze. I end up swiping a litre of Absolut import strength vodka from my parents alcohol cabinet and proceed to get hammered.
Come about 12 me and this girl are both wasted. She's clocking me. Then she's hugging me. Time comes to leave and I walk her home. She's only 5 doors down after all ... and to sum it up we start tonguing each others throats into oblivion outside my house (we were meant to say goodbye and somehow that happened) for a solid 5 minutes
I then invite her in. She says "yeah sure", and I proceed to ravage her clothes off of her faster than airport security on a drug smuggler. We're both naked and playing around when I realise I've hit a snag. It's not working. Why is it not working? Oh fuck don't do this ...
Now I should point out I hadn't been laid in about a year at this point. I had to get drunk just to be confident to talk to her. And now thanks to my lack of self control and Absolut imported, my dick ain't working. She's hot as well. We tried everything. She sucked, she straddled, I furiously pounded. Nothing. Not one measly inch. First time this has happened as well.
So, half an hour passes and we admit defeat. Game over. This couldn't get any worse. WRONG. She gets off me and stumbles towards to door as if more drunk than when we began. I'm putting my underwear on when I hear a dripping, followed by louder dripping and then a flush of liquid hitting my laminated bedroom flooring.
Yep. She's thrown up all over my floor. She's still going as I rush her to the toilet next door and hold her hair as some indistinguishable red chunky shit comes flooding out this evil womans mouth. It looked and smelled foul. When she was done I made sure she was dressed, promptly asked her to leave and was left with an unsatisfied, limp penis and a puddle of alcoholic vomit on my floor.
And that is the last one night stand I will ever attempt to have. I hope some of you get some enjoyment from that story because I certainly fucking didn't.
Voyager5555: So she's too drunk, boots in your house and you kick her out? Seems like kind of a dick move to me, but so does stealing booze from your parents.
SanguineHaze: We don't know he "stole" it. He said he grabbed it from their cabinet, but if they're anything like my parents - maybe they're fine with that and don't give a fuck. Or maybe he will pay them back.
..or maybe he just dickishly stole the booze. Who knows?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406229881 | 1406237105 | t3_2bmelx | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a carrot
I brought a little bag of carrots with me to work as a snack. They looked great, and I kept them in the fridge all day.
Pulled the first one out and took a bite.
TIL that carrots can rot from the inside out.
Carrots should not have a creamy center.
There are 5 more in the bag, but my trust is broken for good.
maemaeman: Pics or it didn't happen. Seriously. This looks really made up and fake and frankly not a big deal at all. DOWNBOATED
xAIRGUITARISTx: Shut your damn mouth.
| 3 | 4 | |
1406231154 | 1406291002 | t3_2bmh15 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Dale8998: TIFU by telling my dad we went to a mosque for a dinner party
Today was an average day until my mom and dad (who live a state away from each other) got into an argument. My dad was sending me Facebook messages telling me dramatic shit, and finally, said these words: "OK, don't freak out, but we went to a mosque for that din-din party." He is a Noahide (Who are pretty much mini-Jews, by the way), and he hates Muslims because of the damned media. He went offline, and shit like "What if he's freaking out? What if I should have lied?" filled my brain. That is my first fuck-up this year on Facebook. I'm gonna watch a Windows installation video, kthanxbai. TL;DR: Told my dad that we were going to a mosque for a dinner party, media sucks dick, thought he would freak.
Phiwi: And where is the fuck up? Does your dad hate muslims?
Dale8998: Reread it and find out.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406229708 | 1406256289 | t3_2bme9d | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by crashing my truck with no insurance
This happened last night but at 1am, so technically today. Last night a few friends and I went drifting since the roads were wet from a downpour earlier in the day. The night was going great, Pc gaming, got some taco time, driving around, picking people up, socializing. I recommended we go to this new road John smith & I found. On the way there, we had to jump on the freeway. The particular entrance were taking I had taken many times before. It was an awkward "s-bend" shape that if done correctly would result in a great inertia drift. Well, one of the small details I had forgotten was that the last turn had oil on it from an accident that happened a few days ago. So me, being a 19 y/o male with a female riding shotgun, wanted to push it a little too far, too fast and with lack of hindsight. First turn goes great, nailed it, enter the second turn with the proportionate speed and angle, and then it happened. Ass end whipped out from behind me, realizing this, I corrected more, the tires grabbed, threw the ass the other way, overcorrected, got off the gas, went for the breaks, slid 10 feet into the side wall. Friend behind me stops, picks up my license plate that had been ripped off and we continued to the road. Got a chance to look at the damage when we got to the road. Wasn't too bad, front bumper was smashed, took out my blinker, and the hood was pushed up from the damaged grille. We continued out night as scheduled (with much more caution, which took away from my driving style and aggressiveness). We finished messing around and headed home. And then I remember my parents. Whom of which I still live with. And I'm on their insurance, which is suspended. I gather my friends together and we come up with the idea that we went to Safeway at 12am, came out of the store and found someone had hit-and-run my truck. Well, they bought it, and then wanted me to go to the store and ask for the security videos of the parking lot. I am currently at work and told them I would take care of it after I got home.
Tl;Dr tried to impress a girl drifting, crashed my truck with no insurance.
Update: parents went to safeway, asked for the video, and they didn't have any cameras set up in the parking lot. I guess I got away with it, but it's a somewhat expensive fuck up.
Update two: was confronted by my dad tonight about everything that happened. He told me my story without me even saying a word. Said there was no paint transfer, so it was a bare suface, then looked at the fine grooves left by the wall and deducted it was concreate, said I was probably trying to drift and sucked at it. He had everything right except for the location. Parents are fucking good at this game.
InfiniteDepths: I made an account to tell you this:
Come clean. Insurance fraud is no joke and they will find out. Especially if you're posting about it online.
mybeardisawesome: You missed the part where he said he has no insurance
InfiniteDepths: My bad. When he said they bought it, I thought he meant the insurance company not his parents. Reading comprehension fail.
catlefey: He should probably still come clean, but at least it's not illegal.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1406231527 | 1406234719 | t3_2bmhr6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Blu3Dream: TIFU by throwing up on the bus
Wednesdays are my Saturdays off work so I decide to go drinking at some bars with one of my co-workers. We take the bus to avoid drinking and driving and thought we were being responsible. The city is about 40 minutes north and it's a university town where there's a lot of bars and restaurants downtown, all within walking distance. We take the 10:00am bus so we can start drinking around 11:00am. Yes, AM to avoid big crowds and to avoid waiting on bartenders and more available pool tables.
We drank a lot in 4 hours and I'm feeling really drunk so I decide to take the next bus home which was in 10 minutes so I speed walking to the bus stop. I'm using Google Maps on my phone to get to the bus stop and walking so fast, by the time I got on the bus, I realized my friend was not next to me and I did not see him walking towards the bus either, so I got off, found him and we drank some more until the next bus (He got lost on the way to the bus stop).
Now I'm really feeling fucked up after another round of drinking. We both make it to the bus this time and there's a lot of people on the 5:00pm bus. There's not many seats open so I sit next to a big black guy and my friend is standing, holding on to the rails.
We hit the highway and feeling extremely nauseous so I close my eyes and think to my self "Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't fucking throw up" and I handled it well and didn't throw up on the highway.
The bus got into town and I still held in my vomit but once the bus hit the first stop, all of a sudden, it all just came out and I was not expecting it. I threw up all over my shirt, my hat, my sunglasses. The black guy's shoes had vomit on it too and I'm surprised he didn't knock me out right there. There was a lot of commotion from him and he was telling me to "get the fuck off the bus" and I was gonna have to lick the vomit clean off his shoes or get him a new pair.
Luckily I threw up right at the first stop, next to a decent sized park with a nice pond. Out of embarrassment and the black guy, I got off the bus even thought it's a 45 minute walk to my house. The black guy gets out too and he's looking pissed off so I speed walk towards the park. I didn't want to look behind me to see if he was following me, but I started running and was so paranoid, I jumped into the pond and swam to the middle because I heard somewhere that black people can't swim. I looked around and the black guy was nowhere to be found. I don't know if he ran away from the pond or if he wasn't following me at all.
As a result from jumping into the pond fully clothed, my sunglasses sank, my phone is broken, my cash is soaked, I'm cold as fuck, and I looked extremely stupid. I was too embarrassed to ask someone to use their phone to call a cab so I walk home. Cold and soaking wet.
TL;DR: Took the bus to go drinking to avoid a DUI, throw up on bus on the way back while sitting next to a gangster looking black guy. Thought he was going to kick my ass so I got off the bus, the black guy got off the bus too, so I ran to the park and jumped in the pond
[deleted]: The point of this story kiddos, is that black people can't swim. If you do something stupid just jump in a pond and they can't hurt you.
SanguineHaze: I'm going to piss of SO many black people this weekend! Internet: Don't fail me now!!!
| 3 | 1 | |
1406228597 | 1406234436 | t3_2bmc2w | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not knocking
So I agreed to take my girlfriend and some of her family to the airport to fly across the country so they wouldn't have to worry about paying for parking or their car. I'm a punctual guy and it being a favor I agreed to, my girl and I arrive at her brother's place 45 minutes early. We walk in and being early it wasn't too much of a surprise to see that they are still packing and getting ready. So I sit down ready to drive them once the packing is all done.
I decide to go use the bathroom real quick and that's when it happened. Either her family doesn't use locks or the door was broken but I walk right on through an already cracked bathroom door to see my girlfriend's sister-in-law butt ass naked just out of the shower whipping a towel around in a flurry. I quickly apologize and nope on out of there. I don't even know if she saw me, or realized I was there, or what was happening until I apologized and shut the door.
I head back out to the living room and waited until they all started packing the car before going to use the bathroom again.
Not one word was said about it and I took them straight to the airport. I'm sure she'll inform the rest of the family while on vacation and it'll be a great laugh the next time we go out for a drink or something but for the next 8 days they are 3,000 miles away and I live in peace.
[deleted]: Same thing happened to me, except it was my friends sister and she screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw me.
tertlyy: Also sucks because talking about it is just as awkward as not talking about it, THE AWKWARDNESS IS UNAVOIDABLE!
| 3 | 1 | |
1406233620 | 1406261681 | t3_2bmluw | t5_2to41 | 7,581 | itzfear: TIFU by taking a nap at my best friends house. NSFW
This happened two days ago so I thought I'd share it, but a little bit of back story. Me and my best friend (we'll call her Cara) have known each other since we were 13 (we're both 22 now). I don't have any interest in her besides being friends. I've seen her through good relationships and bad break-ups and vice-versa. Her current boyfriend (we'll call him David) who she's been dating for a year is a pretty cool guy, we all hang out, drink beer, shoot pool, etc. I try to avoid being the third wheel but they insist on having me around, but I think that's gonna change now.
Story: Every other day we hang out over Cara's, play some Minecraft and CoD, and I head out for work. I usually leave at 5:30pm to be there at six, but I had taken that day off. Working 13 hour shifts is a bitch. Around 5:00pm I decided to go get some air, so I went out on the deck and sat by the pool, and I ended up drifting off to sleep.
When I woke up it was 6:15pm and I wondering why they weren't out here with me. Then I remembered, I didn't tell them I took the day off, they probably thought I left for work and didn't bother. I'm thinking we can all go get pizza since I'm still here. As I head back inside with my craving for pizza, I walk straight through the kitchen and into the living room, and what do my eyes see? Cara, ass naked on the floor, riding David (who is handcuffed to the table btw) like a demon. At one point I thought she was going to break his pelvis (death by Snu-Snu!) She had a black dildo wielded in the air like she was about to charge into battle with it, and it was then I noticed David had red dick imprints on his face and chest. They both had 9 inch grins on they're faces until they turned and saw me and turned completely red. They were speechless with those "oh shit" facial expressions. Straight ahead on the tv, they still had Minecraft loaded up, the annoying music had stopped and all the damn farm animals were staring at me like they were waiting for my reaction. Even the damn chicken (or duck?) stopped to stare at me and that little bastard is always causing shenanigans! I told them "nah you guys finish up I'm gonna go home now" and left. The drive home consisted of me laughing like an idiot with tears in my eyes. Well two hours ago she sent me a text message saying "yeah, we need to talk about the other day". Idk know what's going to happen from here on out, hope it doesn't ruin our friendship.
tl;dr: Went outside for some air at best friends house, went to sleep, woke up, went back inside, caught a front row of her and her boyfriend having freaky rough sex. Minecraft animals were staring at me like a sandwich. I never got my pizza.
Update 7/24: Okay first off, Jeezus Reddit! I didn't think it'd be this popular! Second, I'm at work on my break, and yes an update is coming. Me her and David are meeting up for breakfast when I get off work so I'll update when we're done, and thank god they know nothing of Reddit. I'll keep you guys posted! Also I really want to get to the comments, you guys are awesome as hell.
Update 7/25: Well we met up for breakfast when I got off work, and I'm not going to lie I was pretty worried. I wasn't traumatized by the grand event I witnessed, in fact I thought it was hilarious. I was more-so worried about how they felt about the whole thing. I've caught them both in some pretty funny situations (and vice-versa) but nothing like that. At first there was some awkward silence, but then I told them about the Minecraft animals (especially that god damn chicken-duck) to break the ice, and they lost it. I also learned that after poor David was handcuffed Cara pulled the Dildo out and started slapping him, and that if I didn't show up when I did Cara would have hit him again. I completely lost my shit, and a mouthful of Pepsi. I told him be thankful that's all she did with it. I apologized to both of them like hell and told them both how awesome they are as friends to be able to laugh something like this off. I found out after breakfast that Cara had told David something about me that evened the score...fuck. It appears we have ourselves a Mexican standoff in that department (my days are numbered). Anyway, we're going to hang out again later on today, and I'm gonna make damn sure we get that bacon and ham pizza.
Btw, Cara and David are NOT their real names, actually it's pretty far off. I am a guy, not a girl. Whoever gave this post gold, THANK YOU! Thank you guys, you're all funny as hell.
Apparently this was narrated: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vLd-Eamhuk&list=UU5xsHsxabpOvm73YIEWd8fg
TKricci: Gotta say I was more upset about you not getting the pizza. the rest was pure gold
itzfear: Me too, should have gotten on the way home :/
TKricci: damn. I def would have, pizza is the best comfort food after seeing that, haha. like a god damn pizza party.
[deleted]: Pizza and Fap.
BurntNort: Cheeze Pizza?
Thrice_Born: Jizz Pizza
BurntNort: >Jizz Pizza
[Tastesgood.jpg](http://imgur.com/LCX6Iv6)
Edit: fixed link
Makemydaypunks: Wtf did I just read
vtheawesome: A man bottles his own seed because he enjoys the taste, then when his girlfriend questions him about it he says it's dressing and then feels embarrassed.
Makemydaypunks: Oh yeah, thanks!
BurntNort: ∆
∆ ∆
>Damn
| 12 | 631.75 | |
1406234472 | 1406312869 | t3_2bmnjz | t5_2to41 | 5 | b00zy: TIFU, helping out a brother
I've been a firefighter for 7 years and a wingman for 27. I am 34 years old. The nature of my job requires that I be a little brave but equal parts stupid. I digress.
At the firehouse, we bullshit about guy stuff all of the time. We bitch about how crazy our families are. Some of the younger guys entertain us with stories of their recent conquests. I however have been spoken for - those days are behind me. I'll get to the point. One night after a good fire, we are shooting the breeze about some of the local nurses at the local hospitals that we get to see every so often. One name came up that remotely sounded familiar. We will call her "Paula". I said, I think I know her. Yeah, I think I am friends with her on facebook. And in fact I was. She had friend requested me years ago. I asked why and she said something about being a part of the Johns Hopkins family. Johns Hopkins is a large hospital that we visit too often to deliver patients.
I said sure, fine, whatever and thought nothing of it. SO NOW, eons later, her name comes up and a buddy of mine, who doesn't use facebook, asks me to ask her "what's up". I said sure - no prob. So I visit her facebook and her relationship status says "Ask". So I "Ask". She replied with single. So then I asked her how to pronounce her name - remember it isnt "Paula" its some long Russian name with a lot of vowels. I got no response.
LAST NIGHT my girlfriend approaches me, sobbing with a cellphone in her hand. She shows me a message from "Paula" to her. "Paula" saw that I was in a relationship and pulled some whit knight bullshit and told my girlfriend that i had asked her what her relationship status was. Like I was creeping.
I was shocked, then I was furious, now I am confused. Did "paula" go to far? Was she doing the right thing? Did I really fuck up that bad by asking a girl if she was seeing someone? Should I really be apologizing for screwing up?
I look forward to your responses.
ThatThingUForgot: Tell her whats going on that you are doing this for a buddy and if she doesn't believe you call him in and in the future when you ask questions like that clarify that its not for you.
b00zy: Sweet. The only thing........ is the repercussions from having him vouch for me. If I get AJ on the phone and verify, I've got to deal with a good ribbing from the guys at the firehouse - for a while. The jokes will be relentless. I'll do it if it will exonerate me, but the price is going to be high. Understand what i am saying?
Talidaar: Then I guess you have to decide which is more important: The trust between you and your SO and your continuing(?) relationship, or being teased at work for trying to be a buddy to your coworker.
b00zy: I think that too. I opened up pandora's box and gave my buddy the heads up that he may have to vouch for me.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: When you tell your girl, don't say it in a way that's all "Babee no, that wasn't me I swear."
Really, you should have done it right away when she first confronted you, but be like "AJ's got this thing for her, but he's too much of a pussy to straight up ask if she's single so I'm being a wingman."
Done.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1406239259 | 1406271362 | t3_2bmwuu | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU my girlfriends life
It was a long distance relationship. We liked spent time together, talking, playing games and stuff. Well, it was so until I came with the idea to make a surprise for her. All I needed was her address, so I went full crazy mode and asked about 100 people from her contact list in social media. I hoped I would get some information. Next day I proudly checked my email and gotcha! I got her address! From now on I contacted some flower shop in her town, and ordered some magnificient red roses, and let ship it right to her house. But guess what? I didn't think about consequences. I naively believed nobody I contacted would report her that "one crazy guy is asking me about your address". But that's exactly what happened... It turned out all the people were from university and even her professor got informed about my intention. As I have heard she feels now ashamed go to university. Since then we don't talk anymore.
Long story short, I fucked up her life.
ffsnametaken: "Hey, did you hear about that girl? Her boyfriend tried to do something romantic for her."
"What a monster! She must be so embarassed."
I never understand how these people actually think so I just make it up.
dulcepirate: It sounds to me like if he didn't even know her address he may be using terms like "girlfriend" a little more liberally than most would. And if that is the case, he does come off rather creepy.
s1ic3: Lol right? Seems like we've got a Morello over here...
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1406240105 | 1406275214 | t3_2bmwca | t5_2to41 | 4 | Urbanik: You've found her twitter and surely you could try asking around. If you really want to see her more, don't let her go away.
s1ic3: There's another TIFU on the boards right now about someone who tried to go through other 'social media friends' to get a girls address... obv a phone number is a bit different but DON'T do it. Be a man about it and 'follow' her, and if she follows back send her a DM. (saying 'be a man' before 'follow her' sounds silly) I'm not going to lie to you, there's a good chance that you missed the only opportunity you're going to get, but if she was really even slightly into you she'll bite. Girls love being chased after.... you just can't be creepy about it. Plus you'll have the internet as a social barrier initially so you can warm up to talking to her as you go!
Keep your head up, it gets easier.
Urbanik: I never intended it to mean try to get to her via social media friends. I guess there should be some of the guys from his school that know who she is. There has to be some sort of link somewhere.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406243248 | 1406297612 | t3_2bn3tf | t5_2to41 | 48 | binder673: TIFU trying to get laid.
I am on quite a long cold spell lately so I have been trying to get out there more. My buddy and his gf asked me to meet them downtown at a bar so met up with them and a friend of ours from high school ( who I have always thought was quite hot, but never went for it or anything). Prepping for the night I pre gamed very fast as I worked that night until 8 so had few shots and bused it downtown to meet them. Night starts out great. She is buying me drinks, and I am buying her drinks and such and going well. Then my friend and his gf leave and it's just us so I feel like the night is getting even better. Well one too many rumplemints....go from buying drinks, and talking about going back to her place which was few blocks away to waking up in the hospital hours later with a broken nose and fucked up face, and a stolen iPhone and wallet. Complete blackout and no memory of any events after the dance floor. She does not remember much either.....
Kitviator: Now to spend the rest of your life pieceing together the events of that one night..lol
alex_deleon: Lets figure out the Pineapple Incident before we tackle this.
TheJoker182: GOD DAMMIT JUDY - WHAT ABOUT THE PINEAPPLE
alex_deleon: Where are the Mosby Boys when you need them?
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1406248705 | 1406306807 | t3_2bncpd | t5_2to41 | 24 | breda076: TIFU by walking into a public bathroom without knocking.
Bit of backstory: my mom is a truckdriver and often has to go very far from home (in the Netherlands). Norway, Poland, Italy aren't uncommon. Sometimes if I'm free from school she'll ask me if I want to go with her, and have a little holiday. This time she had to go to Portugal, and I decided I would go join her.
So on the second day of driving, we pull up to this gas station just over the Portuguese border, because I needed to pee pretty badly. So I walk around the building, to the toilets and open the door. (there were like 4 urinals to the left, and in the back on the right side was a usual toilet. I wanted to use the toilet in the back, since the urinals didn't have those separation walls) I thought I heared someone when I walked inside but couldn't see anyone, so I thought nothing of it. As I open the toilet door, I see this middle aged trucker furiously jacking off (and with furiously I mean it looked like he tried to rip his dick off) while saying something Portuguese, probably a name or something. At first he didn't see me because I pushed the door only a little bit, but then he heared the door falling back and started what I assume was cursing and pulled up his pants. I noped the fuck out of there, hoping he wouldn't come after me, while laughing my dick off.
The bad news was that I had to hold my pee till we got to another gas station, because I wasn't going back in there.
To all the truck drivers out there: please, when you decide to jerk off in a public bathroom at a sketchy gas station, lock the fucking door, unless you want to end up on reddit.
I'm sorry if my English is a bit *jerky*, since it's not my first language.
TL; DR: man furiously jacks off in public bathroom, forgets to lock the fucking door.
Hawkeye7696: You're a dude, right? Just find a damn tree to stand behind.
breda076: Thats what I usually do, but in Portugal they apparently don't want you to pee against their trees, since it had a fence all around the gas station, so ofcourse all the trees were behind that fence.
Voyager5555: I too have amazing pee that won't penetrate a fence.
breda076: Well I'm not going to put my dick through a fence when there is a bathroom.
Voyager5555: Who said anything about putting a dick through a fence?
| 6 | 4 | |
1406247134 | 1406304315 | t3_2bna90 | t5_2to41 | 25 | mr_jiffy: TIFU by criticizing the protein bars that my wife made for me and forgetting to say thank you
She's a really good cook mind you but these protein bars were really dry. She used all organic food with nuts, peanut butter, eggs. That's all I can tell. So I thought I was just being honest when I told her that they were a little dry and didn't taste too good. I tried to console her by saying that it's not easy making protein bars taste good. Companies with millions of dollars still can't make a protein bar taste good. A few minutes later she blows up at me because I didn't say thank you. I appreciate what she does a lot but I guess I have a hard time showing it so...
TIL: I need to remember to say Thank you more often.
Python9000: HOLY FUCK YOUR WIFE MAKES YOU PROTEIN BARS!?!?!
Damn straight you need to say thank you more often!
smashedbotatos: This right here. You are a lucky man OP!
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1406248226 | 1406252853 | t3_2bnbzl | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking my brother fishing.
Like a bunch of these stories, this happened years ago. I was probably 13 and my brother was 11. We were staying with our grandparents, no internet, no gameboy, just the good outdoors. We decide to go fishing, so we grab our fishing poles and jump on the four wheeler. We ride to the pond and have a great time fishing.
Here is where my mess up happened. We are packing up and getting ready to go home. I tell my little brother to "tighten his line" on the pole so the hook won't swing around (looking back I wish I would have checked behind him). Well we get on the four wheeler and drive home. We start to get off and take our poles. While my brother is grabbing his fishing pole, the line starts to fly around because it wasn't bound. Well I feel a sharp pain and look down to see a hook now embedded in my nipple. I start screaming which in turn freaks my brother out causing him to jerk the fishing pole and ripping it out of my nipple. Fuck that hurt.
TL;DR- My little brother hooks me in the nipple with a fishing hook and proceeds to rip it out.
kinda_alone: My brother caught my eyelid once. I feel you.
PartTimeBarbarian: My asshole constricts at that imagery
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406249592 | 1408095498 | t3_2bne44 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Cowgus: TIFU By forgetting to close the garage door.
Today a friend of my mum's came round for a drink. When leaving after dark, she realised that she had lost her light for her bike and my mum asked if I could find a replacement for her in the garage. After searching around, I came across an old one which was not in use, gave it fresh batteries and then put it on her bike. After a last bit of chitchat, she rode off and I returned to my computer. At midnight that evening, my mum came in, saying that all the bikes including my brand new one were stolen as I left the door and light on... well shirt.
After sending me to bed, just so that I would lie there in sorrow, she came in and told me she faked the bikes being stolen...
First, I had the pain of having my bike stolen, then the pain of being the victim of a mean trick to teach me a lesson.
Lesson? Don't leave the door open because you get tricked or worse!
winged_venus: Your mom did you a favor. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but it will in time.
Cowgus: Looking back, she did. Still scared me to death though.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406247133 | 1406303831 | t3_2bna8y | t5_2to41 | 70 | LEERROOOOYYYYY: TIFU by nailing a guy's balls to his leg. NSFW. UPDATE
Talked to buddy today..
EDIT: Forgot to mention.. 5 stitches.
Link to orginial post: (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2b94no/tifu_by_nailing_a_guys_balls_to_his_leg_nsfw/)
Robby showed up on site for a few minutes today to talk to the foreman about taking a few more days off. He kind of sheepishly walked onto the site looking almost embarrassed.
I ran after him as he was walking out to apologize (I'm not that much of a dick everybody), and asked him what exactly happened.
Brace yourselves.. He said the nail went through his balls about a quarter inch from the bottom, and a good distance into his leg, based on the nail length (3 1/4 inch) we'll change 2 inches to a good 1 1/2 inch as he said it was in there pretty good. MISSED THE BOYS THEMSELVES. He bandaged up his nuts on site using some gauze and some medical tape, put a large band-aid over his leg and took off home.
He said he was there for about 25-30 minutes and the bleeding from his nuts was still pretty bad and they hurt like hell so he drove himself to the hospital and saw a doctor almost immediately. Doc said that the nail ripped up his nards pretty good, so good that there wasn't an entrance and exit hole, the nail kind of binded up in his sack-skin and ripped it straight across the bottom. I apologized for a good minute and then he kind of laughed and said its all good just a crazy freak accident, shook my hand and went on his merry way.
Fucker wasn't even limping or anything. What a bro.
1. THE NAILGUN HAD A PRESSURE SAFETY TIP ON IT.
2. ROBBY WAS ONLY 5-6 FEET AWAY FROM ME.
3. GROOVED NAILS WILL SPIRAL THROUGH THE AIR, NOT PERFECTLY HOWEVER.
4. I GLANCED ALMOST OVER MY SHOULDER AND UP AT THE SAME TIME AS I PULLED THE TRIGGER.
TheRadar16: My friend has accidently shot a nail from a paslode into his hand and his thigh (two separate occasions). He's chaotic when working. Not nearly as bad as the ball bag though.
LEERROOOOYYYYY: paslode? never come across that before. just a simple framer. I'm pretty reckless, but when it comes to shooting 3 1/4 framing nails im usually pretty careful cause those things WILL fly if given the chance. If I'm using a coil nailer and am tossing 2 inch sheet nails IDGAF because they will tumble out of the gun cause they have no grooves. I love coil nailers. Im drunk
thatispep: Paslode is a nail gun brand I'm pretty sure, at least that's the brand of gun I use framing.
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1406250593 | 1406257392 | t3_2bnfnv | t5_2to41 | 10 | Lacking_In_Ostriches: TIFU by ruining a friendship
So, about two months ago, I fucked up what was basically my only friendship. I'll start from the beginning here.
So it was about a week before my 18th birthday, and my doctor told me I had to have my tonsils removed. I had previously been very, very sick, and having the (not so) little bastards removed could help with it. So I'm all kinds of pissed off, because who wants to have surgery ever, let alone right before their birthday? My surgery is scheduled for three days before my birthday, and my best friend in the world was planning on coming over on my birthday to hang out, see how I was, all of that business. This guy wad one of the most important people in my life, second only to my girlfriend (future wife, to give an idea) and we're like brothers. Always have each others backs, always there for one another, regardless of the situation. We spent pretty much every weekend together, knew all of each others problems, secrets, everything. So, on the day before my birthday, we still hadn't discussed transportation for him to get to my place (he didn't have a car, and I couldn't drive at the time) which was odd, because that was our ritual. My birthday rolls around, and I don't hear anything from him, so my girl texts him to see what the hell was happening. He had been talking about this girl lately (who he said he didn't really matter, he just wanted to try to get her for the fuck of it) and he said he was taking her on a date instead of coming over. By itself, that's fine, it happens, whatever. But he didn't even think to let me know. At this point, I was all screwed up on narcotics, as one tends to be after surgery, and I went into a rage. I have a history with narcotics, and they tend to make me an all around bad person for the duration of my use. It's happened more than once, and I tend to overdo it, taking too much for too long, and generally not caring about anything but the drugs. I continued to use the narcotics throughout the entire story, just to give an idea of what I'm talking about here. They always make me a terrible person, without me even realizing it usually, but I couldn't not take them, the pain was excruciating. Anyways, this time was worse. I felt betrayed, stabbed in the back, and all I could think of was how much I hated this bastard. After a few days of stewing in my anger, I texted him and told him he had a month to repay a debt that had gone unmentioned for about a year. He told me I was being ridiculous, and I basically told him it wasn't my problem. I didn't hear from him for about two weeks. After that, we were both pissed at each other, though he less than I. I couldn't control my anger, and I basically told him he was an asshole for ditching me. Another week passed, and the anger just kept building. Finally I texted him, and asked if he was willing to throw our friendship away, to which he replied "I'm willing to end this friendship and everything connected to it." I lost my shit, but didn't reply. If I had just kept my cool, none of this would have happened, and I would still have my best friend. I've tried to contact him, but he won't (or can't) answer me, so basically nothing is going to get fixed.
I just wanted to get this off my chest, as I don't have very many people to tell (two, actually) and I thought it would help.
Tl;DR Between a mixture of preexisting anger problems and narcotics, I ruined my friendship with one of my favorite people in the world, and I feel terrible now.
JussaiLLusion: He's your best friend, wouldn't he know/understand your narcotics history if you told him or had a mutual friend tell him
Lacking_In_Ostriches: I haven't been able to explain anything to him, as I ran out of the stuff about a week after our final conversation, and was on it the entire time up to that point. He knew I had the shit, and that I have a history with it, but he didn't know just how far into it I was. We don't have any mutual friends, as he was my only remaining friend.
JussaiLLusion: Damn Brotisserie Chicken, that sucks I hope you get through it good
Lacking_In_Ostriches: Thanks man, I appreciate the kind words, and Brotisserie Chicken.
JussaiLLusion: No problem
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1406252180 | 1406262218 | t3_2bni34 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my camera outside in the rain.
Last night I was roasting marshmallows with my daughters in our front yard. I was taking photos and video of them as they were playing. At one point I slung my camera over the back of a chair and went off catching fireflies with my 3 daughters. It got pretty late and my wife was still at the fire pit with some of her friends so I brought my girls inside for bed.
This morning I woke up for work and noticed it had rained. Then it dawned on me that I didn't remember bringing my camera in last night. I ran outside and my camera was right where I had left it the night before. The lens was foggy and I could tell it had water inside it. The camera seemed dry, but I didn't dare turn it on. I found a big tupperware container and put everything inside it with about 50-60 silicon packets (I save them in case I get a phone wet and every once in a while I forget an SD card in my pants pocket when I do laundry).
I just tried to turn my camera on, it's been about 20 hours or so since I sealed everything up, and the camera is dead. No power. There are water spots on the inside of my 50mm 1.4 lens too which sucks pretty bad. But the SD card is fine, so I've got that going for me, which is nice.
TLDR: Forgot camera outside. It rained. Now the camera won't turn on. It's time to start saving for a weather sealed DSLR.
808metz: Same with my Nikon J1. Got it for my birthday. Spend the night outside on the patio and a fucking storm came through. Forgot it outside and now it's gone.
[deleted]: I feel your pain. I still have this lingering hope that when I try it again tomorrow everything is going to be like it was...
808metz: I'm sure you're lense and eye etc are fine. Just the electronics are done for.
Hopefully it's somewhat salvageable
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406252130 | 1406298242 | t3_2bnhzv | t5_2to41 | 7 | Caesar_42: TIFU by vacuuming
So my bedroom floor was getting pretty furry (I have dogs). I decided to vacuum, but I forgot that my great new gaming headset was on the ground. Before I knew what I was doing, I had gone over the chord with the vacuum. The entire chord had been shredded, mangled, and torn out of the headset. What was once a $40 piece of equipment, is now a broken mess.
Voyager5555: You more fucked up by vacuuming with, what I can only presume is, a lawnmower.
Caesar_42: It was just a dyson.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406253511 | 1406833487 | t3_2bnk36 | t5_2to41 | 873 | grrbunnygrr: TIFU by giving an enthusiastic blowjob
My boyfriend and I hadn't been able to have sex for a little while so when we finally got the chance I was very excited!
All was going well so I started showing some enthusiastic oral attention to his lovepump, when suddenly..
SPLRCH. BLOOD EVERYWHERE. IN MY MOUTH. ON HIS BALLS. OH SWEET BABY JESUS.
A stray wire at the back of my braces had caught on his poor, poor dick head.. No sex for me.
Tl;Dr : got too excited for sex. Forgot about braces. Ended up lacerating his dick, both cried like babies. No sex.
Edit : his bits are aliiiiiive!! Tiny scratch, had sex, all is well with the world. :)
tge90: If there is one guy who didn't cringe reading that....I salute u
RunawayBear: No teeth, no worries! Her nickname is Gummy.
Pattix: *gammy
Bautine: **Granny
rupturedprostate: *gammy
NastyNicholas: Grandmother.
rupturedprostate: gammy*
| 8 | 109.125 | |
1406253876 | 1406268866 | t3_2bnkmv | t5_2to41 | 162 | Futuramafryday: TIFU by coming home early from work
This was actually two summers ago, but /u/itzfear brought up this repressed memory. So I had a chill job at a very small Radio Shack back in the day. My manager was 24, chill dude. One day it was particularly slow, even more slow than usual. We had the manager, another employee and me there. I was just sitting around playing my DS, racking up free money, and my boss told me he didn't need me for the rest of the day.
On the way home I stopped and got some food for everyone. McDonalds, because it's so bad it's good. Got home, went inside and I see my mom's face, beet red, pop up from around the couch. I asked her if she was ok, and she kind've just looked at me in horror. I shrugged it off, and sat down at the kitchen table and started eating. My mom continued to stare at me and said "Kyle why don't you go eat that in your room...?" Now in 18 years my mom has never once let me eat food in my room. Not once. I knew from then something was wrong, so I got up. I started walking towards her, saying that I had brought her and her boyfriend food too, and about 5 feet from the couch she just screamed, "STOP WALKING RIGHT NOW MISTER!" As an 18 year old, I stood there contemplating why I was getting screamed at for offering food and walking and then my mind caught up to what I was seeing. I slowly looked around, saw clothes on the ground, and her boyfriend nowhere in sight. I said "OK I'll just leave this here..." dropped the food on the ground and ran back out the door. Went to my best friend's house and didn't come back for a day or two.
TLDR: I walked in on my mom and her boyfriend, having sex on the family couch, where we all sit,and it took me literally minutes to realize it. Then I dropped food all over the floor and left for a while.
Harlequinphobia: Thanks for the McDonalds man, I really worked up an appetite.
Futuramafryday: It's funny, my mom's boyfriend is TERRIFIED of clowns, so username relevant in his situation
Some_NSA_Spy: Aren't we all terified of them?
totally_not_martian: Stop trying to get our fears from us NSA!
| 5 | 32.4 | |
1406254398 | 1406301030 | t3_2bnlel | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by yelling at my kid, and not only yelling but doing it in public in our busy neighborhood.
Basically we were arguing and I started yelling and ranting for a good four blocks through a busy part of our neighborhood (we live in a city). I feel like an asshole for yelling and making her cry and I feel embarrassed that so many people saw it.
Full story:
I'm a full time single parent. She's nine years old. I make her lunch every morning, no matter what. I've been late for class a few times because I don't always get up early enough to get us ready (I get up at 6:40 AM to drop her off by 8:00 but it's not enough) but *always* make sure to take the time to make her lunch. She typically has a half sandwich and a side of fresh fruit or a vegetable because she rarely finishes whole sandwiches. So, when I make her lunch for day camp or school, I make sure to give her what she can eat to avoid wasting food. We are what most Americans would call "poor".
Well, today she chose to have a whole peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Usually she has half a sandwich on whole wheat with carrots, an apple, or cherries. Today she just wanted a whole sandwich on a hamburger bun. So, some older girl in her camp asked her today, "Why do you always just have a sandwich?" This kid had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some carrots and a blueberry muffin. She is apparently an authority on what an appropriate lunch entails, and what my daughter has been eating every day since late-June.
When I picked up my daughter after camp, she asked me, "Why don't you make me a lunch? Like a real lunch?" in this snotty time of voice she's been cultivating over the past year or two (yes I know it'll get worse. Shut up.)
Here's where I do the wrong thing immediately because I'm a shitty parent and never should've become one (it was an accident, but I won't get into it now). I get offended and say, "What are you talking about? I make you a good lunch every morning. I make sure of it. I ask you what type of sandwich you want every morning and offer three or four options as well as what you want on the side. Did someone say something?"
She told me she was "just curious" first, and then admitted that some kid asked her about it.
So I go on this rant about how that kid is wrong, and besides it's not her business how or why she didn't have a "real lunch", but she's still wrong because even just yesterday she had a half turkey sandwich with greens and tomato and a fucking organic Gala apple on the side.
Then we just started bickering and my daughter yells out, "Don't make me hate her! Don't take my best friend away!" to which I responded, "I'm not taking anything anyway! I've never done that and never will. That's insane. If *you* realize that this girl you've known for four months isn't as great as you thought she was because she makes you feel bad about not having as much as she does, then that's *your* decision. I'm just pointing it out. I'm not stopping you from being her friend."
See... another asshole move. Being crass with my own kid and showing the entire neighborhood what a prick I am.
Of course once we got home she was screaming and crying. I was livid at this point. She fell to the floor crying, so I tossed a banana on her lap and yelled at her to eat it (because I knew she was hungry, which is why she was snotty and angry to begin with). She ate it, stopped crying, we had dinner, shared our last yogurt, hugged for a long time, and then she started dancing and being silly.
Yeah it worked out fine in the end, but you can't take back those traumatic moments. I wish I could go back and react appropriately and not rant forever, making her feel like a piece of crap. Sometimes I truly, truly hate myself.
donteatsquirrels: Honestly, i would have reacted exactly the same way and wouldn't even be sorry. Kids gotta learn that if they are snotty they will get a bad response from people. Even from parents. But what do i know, i dont have any kids.
[deleted]: I agree that kids need to learn that their actions elicit responses from people, but for one thing I didn't have to rant for a half hour about it and for another, it's difficult to explain the feeling a parent gets when they make their child feel terrible about themselves. We am emotionally connected. I am supposed to represent safety, and love, not fear and sadness.
YrocATX: You are supposed to represent authority as well. Life is about respecting authority, probably one of the biggest life lessons other than being kind to others.
Don't feel bad, always explain the situations and why you are doing the things you are doing. They might not understand, but after a while they will figure it out.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406253895 | 1406301785 | t3_2bnko0 | t5_2to41 | 78 | saucet: TIFU by cutting a hornets nest in half with a hedge trimmer
Well, it was actually two weeks ago but anyway.. I'm a seasonal maintenance worker at the local conservation district when i'm home for the Summer, and a big part of the job is trimming back trails. On this particular Friday afternoon we were minutes from heading back to our shop and with Loverboy's timeless classic, "Working For the Weekend" coursing through my head, I was jogging along the trail trimming left and right while two of my coworkers followed behind on our Ranger (ATV). I stopped, took one swipe to my left, and another to my right without looking. **BOOM**. Pain. Stinging fucking pain right between my eyes. "Oh no, I know this feeling. What is this? Oh God, run." I grab my face like i've been shot and literally throw my hedge trimmer down in front of me. As I realize i've been stung I turn towards my boss who is convinced by my reaction that i've **cut my fucking nose off**. Just then, I feel a searing pain in my calf. "Oh fuck, there's another one?" Just as I yell out from this new sting, an ominous buzzing noise becomes audible and **drowns out the fucking hedge trimmer** as my boss simply says "you might want to get the hell out of here." By now my mind has just finally put together what is going on, and I sputter out a line from *Tommy Boy*: **"BEEEEEES"**. I sprint/gallop like a half-retarded donkey for the ATV, and the other seasonal I work with floors it down the trail. Low and behold, I find out from my boss minutes later that I managed to cut a fucking **SOFTBALL SIZED BALD FACED HORNET NEST IN HALF**. Miraculously I escaped with only two stings and my dignity somewhat bruised.
[Bald-faced hornet Wiki] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bald-faced_hornet)
[Timeless classic] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahvSgFHzJIc)
[BEEEES] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU97w2DH5mc&feature=youtu.be)
**TL;DR** **Cut a hornet's nest in half, released a swarm of about 200-300 hornets. Only got stung twice and accidentally recreated a classic movie scene.**
penisinthepeanutbttr: 200-300 hornets in a next the size of a softball? really?
iRBsmartly: To be fair I don't think he was worried about counting them.
Does the difference between ~50 hornets and 200 matter?
flamingtoastjpn: actually they average about 400 per nest, but can range from 100-700
he is probably pretty damn close
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1406256785 | 1406258254 | t3_2bnp11 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Mattyiceeee: TIFU By not crashing my car into the genius in front me..
I didn't know where else to put this...It happened to me earlier today. I'm driving along a main road going about 50 mph. Very light traffic with just my car and another in front of me. I'm drinking a coke and relaxing before heading into work. All of a sudden the car in front of me slams on its brakes. I'm not talking lightly slowing down or anything like that. I'm talking tires squeeling on the pavement, smell of rubber burning, slammed those brakes so hard you would think there was someone who dived in front of their car. I spill my Coke all over as I slam on my brakes as well. I look up from my Coke covered car to see a teenage girl open the door and immediately run to the front of my car and look under it. I'm thinking, 'oh man did she hit something and maybe it splattered on my car?' I slowly get out of my car and ask with great desperation, what in hell is happening. She gets up, looks me right in the eyes and says verbatim: " I dropped a cig that I just lit and it's my last one. Did you see it go by?" I was speechless. Stunned. Did I hear that correctly? Is this world insane?! The only thing I could say was what the fuck is wrong with you. I took my half empty Coke and threw it inside her opened door hoping it would drench the inside. She threatened to call the cops on me for being super pissed. I told her to call them and I would wait there for them as long as it took. Sorry for venting reddit but I didn't know where else to put this like I said. Anyone else have a crazy teenager driving story?!
sorepheet: You didn't really Fuck Up. She did? Maybe a better place to post would be /r/pettyrevenge ?
Mattyiceeee: Thank you for your input. I don't know all the subs. Thanks though I'll keep this in mind next time.
| 3 | 4 | |
1406257016 | 1406297194 | t3_2bnpe2 | t5_2to41 | 26 | aplastictube: TIFU by masturbating with toothpaste
This happened a few years ago, but I'm new to Reddit so I thought I should share. I created a new account to protect my anonymity.
A few years ago I was studying abroad in Europe (from USA). During one of our breaks I traveled to Italy. At one city in Italy I was able to stay at another college that was affiliated with the one I was studying at. Because that school was also on break, the room that I rented out was another student's dorm room - fully furnished and equipped with all their personal stuff.
After I arrived in this stranger's room, I got settled and was waiting for my friend who was staying in a different room. The mood struck me, and it had been a while, so I decided it was time to fap.
I was backpack traveling and had only the bare minimum as far as personal hygiene products go, so I searched the dorm's bathroom for some lotion. I found a non-descript, all white tube with Italian writing all over it. There was no color or images on the tube, just an all white tube with Italian writing. I opened the top and squeezed it out, and it was an all-white cream with an acceptable creamy consistency with no apparent odor to it. I don't speak or read any Italian so I had no idea what this was, but it looked right.
I got an erection and thickly applied the previously mentioned cream. After one or two pumps I realized a tragic mistake had been made, as there was an extreme cold burning sensation that could only be mint toothpaste applied to sensitive bits. It is a difficult sensation to describe if you have never put mint toothpaste on your raging-hard penis. The mood was instantly killed and so was my erection.
TL;DR - I fapped in a stranger's room in Italy, I don't read Italian so I grabbed toothpaste and masturbated with an excruciating minty freshness.
Azlas: I'm almost sure you fapped with the "Pasta del Capitano" toothpaste as you described the all-white tube.
Wich means. Captain's Paste. That's one of the most "powerful" and burning Italian toothpaste. I can almost feel your pain.
Somehow that makes your story funnier!
aplastictube: That makes so much sense now! It definitely adds another dimension to the story. "Captain's Paste, for chasing your white whales."
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1406255666 | 1406282396 | t3_2bnn9x | t5_2to41 | 69 | wankaholic341: TIFU by masturbating the normal way
I don't masturbate like other people do. I lay my penis on my thigh, make a fist, apply some downward pressure to my penis and rub it back and forth against my thigh like a windshield wiper. I always thought this technique was superior to the standard way because it didn't require any lube and I could do it through my pants.
A few months ago I put my penis in a vagina for the first time and it really didn't feel all that good. It didn't feel bad, but it wasn't pleasurable enough to maintain my erection for long much less make me cum.
Needless to say, I was humiliated. I did some googling and found I had traumatic masturbatory syndrome: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/traumatic-masturbation-syndrome
Basically, since my technique creates a strong downward force on the penis which a vagina lacks, I've trained my penis to respond to the completely wrong stimulus.
I decided to retrain my penis by abstaining from masturbation until it was sensitive enough to respond to the "proper" technique. At first I thought it would never work, but after five horribly horny days (I usually wank 5+ times a day), I sat on my bed naked, gave my throbbing manhood a pump and felt a ripple of pleasure.
The only problem was I didn't really know what I was doing. I think the muscles in the arm that people use to control their wanking are underdeveloped in my arm because I didn't seem to have any control over where the penis was pointing at any given moment. Every time I pumped it would just angle off in a different direction.
In the heat of the moment though, I wasn't considering this, I was just squealing and panting like a 13 yr old who had just discovered how to masturbate b/c that's what I was.
Finally my volcano blew its top. I closed my eyes for the orgasm which probably lasted a solid 10 seconds. When I opened them, my glasses, shoes, desk, laptop, dirty clothes, walls, everything within a 5 foot radius of the tip of my penis was covered in a thick layer of glistening pearly semen. For a moment it looked kind of majestic. A few seconds later my housemate asked me if I was ok, cause apparently I had been "shouting like a madman". Looks like its back to mashing my dick against my thigh.
tl;dr Had a weird masturbation technique, tried the normal way, failed
Waterwind: What?! Giving up after one try?!
Also, how did it get everywhere? I don't think my penis has ever acted like a sprinkler before.
wankaholic341: Seems the direction my penis was pointing changed alot over the course of the ejaculation
judgegabranth: Like when only one man tries to use a firehose.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1406257556 | 1406320434 | t3_2bnq6p | t5_2to41 | 5 | ReclaimingFebruary: TIFU by mocking a girl with aspergers
Like many posts on this subreddit, this happened not today but in fact, some time ago. Anyways, here is my tragic tale.
Me, my two best friends, one of their moms, and their carpool were driving to a town an hour a way to see some female friends of ours and their school musical, but first we had to drop off the carpool. We had been blasting some August Burns Red and we were extremely excited to see these friends, as we only get to see them every few months. I was especially excited because I had had a thing with one of them, and I was hoping we would canoodle, or something. Needless to say, we were full of energy.
Before going, we had to drop off the carpool off at her house (we were going after school). She was a sweet little 8th grader (uh, as sweet as 8th graders get, I suppose) who had aspergers, relatively high-functioning, but she didn't really have any friends and it was pretty obvious that she's mentally challenged if you talk to her. She had a very unique style of speaking, which makes it sounds like she's being sarcastic even when she's not. This is huge.
Every second, I'm getting more vivacious in anticipation of the boobies (keep in mind I was a freshman at this time). We finally pull into her driveway to drop her off. As she gets out of the car, she says in her sarcastic-sounding voice "Have fun driving to Sharon*!" Since the town was so far away, I assumed that she was poking fun at our decision to waste our night driving their just to see Shrek: The Musical, so I retorted with "Have fun having no friends!"
I had COMPLETELY forgotten about how abysmal her social life was. As soon as I said it, the mom of the friend driving us said "Mason, what the hell was that!?" The inevitable feeling of remorse washed over me immediately, she probably spent the rest of her night crying. I was SURE that they would announce on the loudspeaker the next day at school that she had hung herself or something. I felt awful, I asked my friend to give me her number so I could write a long, drawn-out apology, but to no avail (he's kind of a jerk). I spent the rest of the night wondering how many times she was cutting as I was watching Shrek save his ass from the dragon.
Luckily, she came to school the next day, as deep down I knew she would, but I haven't talked to her since. I guess it was more of a faux pas, but it was a very uncomfortable situation.
**BONUS TIFU:** So I was messaging that girl last night (the girl we drove to see, not the retarded one), and we were poking fun at each other, trying to rustle eachother's jimmies to the max. Now I'm in a band called Autumn Effect, and she's in one called The G# Spots. So, me being the smooth gentleman I am, I tell her "Oh, well you know, Autism Effect is WAY better than The G Strings" (you know, making fun of our band names). Little did I know, she has a brother with a severe form of autism. She instantly messages me back "Autism effect is a stupid name and can offend ppl my brother has autism you stupid bitch!" This is, I quote, what I responded with, not wanting to recapitulate that first incident.
"awwww fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
i'm sorry sorry sorry sorry
sorry
sorry
sorry
sory
sorry
sorry i'm so fucking sorry beyond fucking words fuckin
Accept my sincerest apology
i truly feel nothing but utter regret and shame
like actually though, i'm so fucking sorry"
My thing with this girl is probably over...
Love bites, reddit, love bites.
*Yes, the town featured on that one Family Guy episode.
AlucardMusic: gay/10
ReclaimingFebruary: *Its okay guys, he's my friend he comments this on everything I post*
Some_NSA_Spy: Yeah sure, like you have friends inbreal live
ReclaimingFebruary: Yeah man, some of my best friends came from Inbreal Live, don'tchya know?
| 5 | 1 | |
1406257321 | 1406264851 | t3_2bnpua | t5_2to41 | 7 | Oil300: TIFU by lying to my mum
So my mate and I are pretty avid longboarders and we often spend whole weekends out skating, but during the week the only day we skate is on a Friday, so my friend says to me, "hey man, do you wanna come over on Tuesday and we can play Xbox?" So of course I say id loved to but I'll have to check with my mum. So fast forward to that night and I say to mum, 'hey mum, can I go to |name|'s house on Tuesday?' (Before I go on I need to mention that I don't get the best grades) my mum replied 'no! You're grades haven't been good enough for you to be doing that'
So me being the shitty teenager that I am took offence to that! (Even though it's true)
So Tuesday comes around and I'm talking to said friend, and he asks me if I can come over, I said I'll call my mum, so I call mum and I tell her that I'm going to stay after school and study at the library, my mate am I he's over to his place, play some Xbox, time comes for me to head home so I walk home, all is good!
Now it's Thursday, my friend asks if I can go over again, I say I'll call my mum, I tell her the same lie and over to his place we go! Were just about to sit down and play Xbox again, when my phone rings! The caller id says 'Mum' "oh shit" I answer the phone and say 'hey mum' she asks where I am, I stuck to the lie, she says she called the library and asked if I was there, but I wasn't, so it was then I realised, I'm fucked beyond words.
"I lied to you mum." She told me to get home straight away and that she was reall disappointed in me,
I get home and I walk into her room, she says she doesn't want to look at me because she is so disappointed, she wants to talk about it on the weekend, I want to tell her the truth, but no matter what I say, I can't help feeling like she hates me, the way she looked at me, I feel like the biggest let down!
What do you think I should do reddit?
ThatThingUForgot: Apologize like your life depended on it and do way more than you usually do around the house wash dishes, take out trash, etc. don't go anywhere you don't absolutely have to and do your homework not only will this give you trust points but if your anything like me you will feel better as well.
Oil300: Thanks man, I'll do that!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406258601 | 1406272212 | t3_2bnrqk | t5_2to41 | 17 | fransrayo98: TIFU by sending gay porn to my father
so today i was skyping with a friend and we where joking about me having gay porn on my computer (which i might have) so i used goo.gl to shorten a link to googe images to "gay porn" and i accidentaly sended it to my father on skype instead of my friend. My father is probably going to kill me
[deleted]: Maybe [this] (http://community.skype.com/t5/Windows-desktop-client/delete-send-but-unread-undelivered-message/m-p/1758610#M171174) ?
*Ninja Edit - You can edit or delete an instant message within 60 minutes after you’ve sent it. To change or remove your IM, simply right-click the message and choose Edit Message or Remove Message.* So, at the risk of sounding like a twat, you may have to delete ur history altogether in the hopes that it removes the message from ur fathers screen - soz OP, really hope it works out
fransrayo98: i posted this about one and a half hours after i sent the message so maybe it was that. But thanks for the help
[deleted]: all goods - good luck n hang in there eh, at the end of the day I am sure ur dad looked at stuff that was 'forbidden' when he was a teen too - hopefully he will just brush it off as a bad joke gone wrong.
fransrayo98: hope so, tomorrow morning he'll come to give me my phone (i forgot it at his house).
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1406259594 | 1406260965 | t3_2bnt7p | t5_2to41 | 4 | Sam__Winchester: TIFU by breaking the seal
So, today I really fucked up. It's not the usual "I really shouldn't have eaten those five cheeseburgers" type of self loathing either. It's more the "I broke the 66th seal and released Lucifer from Hell" kind of loathing. It turns out that my demon ex-girlfriend was playing me the entire time! All I wanted in life was some sweet-ass demon blood, so I could kill this bitch, Lilith (trust me, a real hell bitch), but I ended up freeing Lucifer from Hell. I ignored countless warnings from my brother, my uncle, my dead parents, basically everyone I ever cared about. The kicker is, I didn't need to drink my girlfriend's demon blood all along --I had the power all along to destroy Lilith. Little did I know, Lilith was the final seal, so I started the Apocalypse. Sorry guys.
tldr: Hooked up with a psycho demon bitch who betrayed my trust by plotting myself against my entire family and tricked me into releasing Lucifer and starting the Apocalypse.
themightysicko: I don't get it
ThatThingUForgot: I'm not sure but i get the vague feeling of a middle school kid who thinks they are being cool.
ShawnBootygod: Spot on interpretation
| 4 | 1 | |
1406260089 | 1406333356 | t3_2bnty6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | TheExtremeChef2: TIFU by humping my dog
Today was my grandmothers 80th birthday. We were having a party at my house. All of my family and family friends were there. My grandmother is terrified of dogs so i had to put my dog fluffer outside. I was trying to get the leash on her, but she was flailing around. All of a sudden, a dozen people are walking into the room ( thats where the snacks were ). From their POV it looked like i had my dog chained and i was behind her trying to hump her. Word spread fast and soon the whole party knew. Now everybody thinks im a fucking dog molester.
Ih4k: So ur dog fluffer got the dog ready so you could hump her? What's your dogs name?
TheExtremeChef2: What?? My dogs name is fluffer its in the story
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: So, you're a dog fluffer? (urban dictionary)
TheExtremeChef2: No my dogs name is fluffer
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1406261250 | 1406265555 | t3_2bnvmj | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by masterbaiting while eating Taco Bell
I ate a loaded griller while masterbaiting. It's a new low. That is all.
DatWalrusDoe: TIFU by not knowing how to spell masturbate.
sundevils2014: That was my first thought even before I clicked on the link.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406261205 | 1406268283 | t3_2bnvk7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my sister "F*#k you!" in front of her 4yo NSFW
A little background first. Two points:
1. I was raised catholic. I don’t practice, but 17 years of Christian schooling have really drilled it in. I recently read the Bhagavad Gita, and I gotta say, it changed the way I look at life and relate to people. I’ve been trying to consider the message of Vishnu in my daily life to "try to be a better person". I could never convert, but I think the message makes all the sense in the world. It’s all about the dharma and the karma.
2. My sister is diagnosed bipolar and is 13 years older than I am. I’ll just say that these reasons are big contributors to why we aren’t close. She’s also a single mom, studying for the CPA exam. She asked me to babysit my 4 yo nephew each Thursday in July while she’s in class. Because of factor #1 above, I agree. This is a bit of a step for me as family isn’t big in my life. The little family I do have sees me as kind of a black sheep. (I’m a tattooed, bearded biker guy)
So I show up and I say I want to take my nephew (Drew) to visit grandpa (my dad) for pizza. She immediately shoots that down saying she already spent a bunch of money on fish dinners (she just got a job after being unemployed since April) and Drew hasn’t slept well in the past few days. He needs to go to bed and NOT go anywhere. I’m annoyed (grandpa lives 2 blocks away) but whatever. I say nothing and smile. We eat our dinners and she takes off late for class. Drew had a can of root beer with dinner that he didn’t finish (this is important later).
I play with the kid, watch cartoons with him, get him a bath and read a few bed time stories to him before tucking him in. All is well and I slink away to watch Netflix. About two hours later I hear him whimpering and stirring. I try to ignore it hoping he’ll go back to sleep. He doesn’t. He gets up and comes out crying. What am I supposed to do? Leave him crying in a dark room? I pick him up and bring him to the living room. I wipe his tears and calm him down. He says he’s crying because he misses mommy. I assure him she'll be home soon (in like 1.5 hrs) and I distract him with cartoons. I offer him ice cream, which makes him smile. Unfortunately, ice cream box was empty so I gave him a freezy pop instead. The 1.5 hours goes by and things are ok. He starts sipping his root beer from dinner. It’s about 10:30pm at this point, but I know Mug root beer has no caffeine, so I don’t stop him. I know sugar keeps kids up at night, but I still didn’t stop him for some reason. I think I was focused on just keeping him happy until his mom returned. I hear her pull up the drive way and I go down to let her in. She hears he’s still up and asks about it. I was waiting til we got up the stairs before I would explain that he did get a few hours sleep. She gets in, sees him drinking the root beer and hits the roof. She starts nagging me about how I’m irresponsible, he has pre-school at 8 am tomorrow (but it’s July??), and how I’m inconsiderate and only care about myself (I’ve never asked her for anything. Especially in return for babysitting).
I try to keep my cool in accordance with Vishnu’s message (senses and feelings are fleeting. The wise are the same in both good and bad times. They are worthy of immortality. Its deep stuff.). This has usually worked in the past, but I snapped this time. I was very "un-dude like".
Her: "YOU KNOW HE HAS SCHOOL IN THE MORNING? YOU ONLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF!!!"
Me: "FUCK YOU!!" (Drew’s just 10 ft away in the bathroom brushing his teeth for bed)
Her: "GET THE HELL OUT!!!!"
Me: "NEXT WEEK, WATCH YOUR OWN FUCKING KID!"
As I rode home, I reflected on what I did. I was so angry and ashamed I was shaking. I can’t believe I said those things in front of Drew. That kind of, yano, THE OPPOSITE of the person I want to be. I couldn’t help but reflect on the bigger implications of my actions. I think it showed considerable immaturity and is probably reflects why I’m 30 and single. I think I need a lot of work. Perhaps, I can make it up to them in some way. This all may seem trivial to you, but I believe the ripple effect of the implications are considerable. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR Sister freaked about how I was watching her kid, despite my efforts to be a good uncle. I reacted inappropriately in front of her 4 yo.
Islander1776: Sounds like your sister had a rough day or something.
DrMalware: Or could be the fact she is diagnosed bipolar as OP had mentioned
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406262078 | 1406300168 | t3_2bnwsz | t5_2to41 | 103 | nakedpixWHAT: TIFU by opening an email from my girlfriend next to my roommate (NSFW?)
Girlfriend is currently away visiting her family. Today, I was chilling on the couch with my roommate (who I don't really know like on a *bro level* but he's a cool guy). We're watching TV and I'm surfing the web on my computer. Had something in my email that I wanted to show him so I click to my email.
The first one in my inbox was from my girlfriend, no subject line, so i just instinctively click on it, forgetting that roommate was sitting right next to me, looking on. My girlfriend had sent me three post-shower pics in naughty naked positions on her bed. Gmail has the picture previews right under attachments so yeah, they were right there in full view. My roommate was looking at full-frontal nudity pictures of my sweet innocent girlfriend (or so he thinks). "WHOA OKAY," I blurt out and quickly hit the back button. Glance over at roommate. His mouth has dropped open. We didn't speak of it.
I hadn't checked my phone at the time, but if I had I would have seen the following text from said girlfriend: *Sent you something naughty to your email ;)* So yeah. TIFU but the roommate isn't going to bring it up and neither am I, and I got naked pics so not a bad day.
redbettafish: Everything will be A-OK lol he has a funny story and you have an embarrassing one. Just... dont let your gf know or you may face great wrath
nakedpixWHAT: Haha, I told her and we both got a laugh out of it after the fact. She's pretty laid back about that kind of stuff but it was embarrassing for me just cause I don't know the roommate that well.
kibur_cube: i think your gf would be welcome on [r/gonewild] (http://www.reddit.com/r/gonewild/)
mogski: OP pls.
| 5 | 20.6 | |
1406263633 | 1406303230 | t3_2bnytq | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to Comicon.
For a little background, I grew up in a hyper-christian family. For my parents, the topic of sex was absolutely forbidden, and anything even mildly sexual was hidden from me and my siblings. This was before the internet existed, so there was no way I could find anything. However, the one fun thing that I was allowed to do was read comic books. I seriously got a new one every week, read it, and then read the rest of them immediately afterward. So you can imagine that as a hormonal, completely deprived 14-year old male, I nearly shat myself the first time I saw Power Girl. It was nothing I'd ever seen before, and there was absolutely nothing else that I would see for another 4 years. As a result, though, PG grew to be the only sexual symbol in my entire life. I couldn't stop thinking about her, which of course would cause all kinds of problems when I was at school or around my parents. It eventually reached the point where she was (and still is) the only thing that I find sexually attractive. In other words, I have an enormous Power Girl fetish. Flash forward to late 90's when I was 18 and finally out of the house. One of the first things I did was find out about the Comicon coming to New York in a few months. It was only two hours away, so there was no way in hell I wasn't going. Comics were my life. Anyway, I make myself an awesome Superman cosplay and set out. I get there about 1 in the afternoon, and it rocks. One of the best days of my life, until I saw her. Some absurdly busty young lady cosplaying as who? Of course it was Power Girl. Once she saw that there was a Superman, she decided that she was going to get a picture with me, so she comes up and talks to me for a minute, during which time I'm putting the tensile strength of my spandex pants to the test. My red shorts hide it pretty well, though, until she moves in for the actual picture. In typical hot girl cosplaying fashion, she gets all flirty and rubs up against me. So of course I instantly blow my load more forcefully than I ever have before, causing me to groan very loudly and start having issues with standing up straight. So they freak out and ask if I'm alright until they see the huge sticky stain spanning from my stomach to my thighs. I promptly turn and run out, and go straight home and cry in the shower for two hours. :( 15 years later I still feel miserable about it.
TL: Dr- Grew up with a massive Power Girl fetish, went to comicon and proceeded to fire the chunky cannon upon finding a hot cosplayer
DatWalrusDoe: I guess you might say: that blows?
Some_NSA_Spy: You came here just for that pun?
Excel_Excellently: He blew it way too early.
DatWalrusDoe: He really BLEW his chances with that girl.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1406244764 | 1406284439 | t3_2bn6dj | t5_2to41 | 8 | WillyBobThornton: TIFU by knocking a girl down some stairs at a frat party
Didn't happen today but you understand.
I was at a frat party my first year of college. On this particular night I had decided earlier not to go out with my usual friends and instead hang out with a few girls I met. Did not go well.
As soon as we get to the party I immediately lose them and never see them again. I spend the remainder of my night playing/watching beer pong, talking with some of the brothers there, and dancing in their basement. I would also step outside to smoke once in a while.
Now, I go to school in a town where during the winter there is almost always snow on the ground. That really thick, sticky snow that's great for making snowballs and shit. It's also great for sticking to bottom of your goddamn boots even after you go back inside and walk across carpet to the basement door.
So, by now, I am pretty fucking drunk. I am stumbling (quite nonchalantly in my mind) all over this damn house. And now there is slippery snow stuck to the bottom of my boots and I get the fan-fucking-tastic idea to go dance some more. Drunk me did not notice just how narrow the wooden, and already wet, stairs were. Almost made it to the bottom when only my heal caught the next step and my leg slipped out from under me, along with the rest of my body.
I fall hard on my ass and slide down a good four more steps. In front of everyone. The worst part? Some poor, innocent gal, had the misfortune to be in front of me at that particular moment in time. My foot hits the back of her knee and she took the tumble along with me, landing on my leg.
I recover right away and try to help her up and play it off as if I had nothing what so ever to do with her just eating shit at the bottom of the fuck box stairs. You could just hear the simultaneous "ooooh"s from all the fellow party goers. I felt like a huuuuge, embarrassed ass-clown so I went and sat on a couch and buried my face in my hands as if to say "maaan, what just happened? I dont even remember."
After that I just went outside and sat in the snow until somebody offered up a ride. I called dibs and then paid the guy two dollars in quarters for a ride back to my dorm.
oops
Tl;Dr; Got drunk, knocked a girl down the stairs, tried to play it off cool.
Molly_Moon: Ouch. Sorry about the bad luck!
WillyBobThornton: Nah, as bad as it was when it happened it's a great story to tell. I actually told it in one of my classes and some girl was like "THAT WAS YOUU?!"
As it turns out the girl I knocked down was one of her best friends. She later said they had a good laugh about it.
Molly_Moon: Well then that is not too bad! As long as there are no hard feelings and they got a laugh I would not consider it that bad. :)
WillyBobThornton: I'll probly use this story if I ever do stand-up
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1406263743 | 1406278081 | t3_2bnyzb | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my mother an Eagle on Images
Hey guys, just a bit of context before we start off. I'm a 17 year old male that lives in Queensland, Australia with my parents while I finish High School. My mother is, well, right into wildlife. Not in a sick, twisted way but she is very wild-life orientated. She is dyslexic as well.
She came into my room about three hours ago after getting home from taking an Eagle to the vets (one she found on the side of the road). I asked what kind of Eagle it was as I am pretty interested in birds. She said a "Bazzers Eagle". I had never heard of it before (I am interested in birds but not to the point where I know all of the names of said species).
This led her to asking me to look it up on Google Images so that she could, I guess, validate it was a Bazzers Eagle. She wouldn't know how to do it as she is not technologically adept. Of course, the first thing I do is type "Bazzers Eagle" into Google Images.
For some reason, Google Images thought it was a fantastic idea to autocorrect Bazzers to Brazzers. Yes - my mother got a face full of pussy when she was expecting birdy.
Instantly, I f4ed and kind of stammered. I was trying to think of how to explain it to her while she was still in shock. She thinks I'm fucked up and she thinks I decided it would have been funny to show my mother vaginas and porn. No matter what I say, it'll be too difficult explaining that it auto-corrected. I am dreading dinner tonight. I am not dreading looking at Eagles for desert, though, ifyouknowwhatimean.
TL;DR: Showed mother pictures of vaginal intercourse when all she wanted was an Eagle.
SuperAwesomeBrian: Can confirm, Google goes full retard on this search.
http://i.imgur.com/PHYjvxk.jpg
ZealotOnPc: Can also confirm. Much to my dismay.
texanjetsfan: I will provide triple confirmation after my own eagle search.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1406268023 | 1406289994 | t3_2bo47w | t5_2to41 | 429 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting by boyfriend spread my asscheeks
So my boyfriend and I were doing the deed and he decided to eat me out while I was in a doggy style position, not human centipede like but under me in between my legs.
Anyways were enjoying our time and he's playing with my ass. Well its all fun and games until he spreads my ass cheeks and oh boy do I feel it, the gust of wind went in.
All of a sudden I release a torrent of queefs into his face. Like three of them just straight into his face. Luckily he's super understanding and we started cracking up, the laughs caused me to queef even more. The mood was over after that.
TL;DR Ass spread, wind in, queefs into face.
Some_NSA_Spy: Maybe he liked it
atsmit: Who wouldn't!?
uss1701jb: Probably some NSA spy.
Oooch: Those motherfucking anti-queef NSA spies.
| 5 | 85.8 | |
1406268197 | 1406280796 | t3_2bo4gc | t5_2to41 | 6 | Asian_bloke: TIFU by miming teeth brushing
This summer I just got hired at education camp. I'm also the youngest educator on staff (20 yr old male), also the camp is mostly consists of middle-school girls. During the break I'm hanging out and I notice a group of girls across the room. One makes eye contact with me and stares at me blankly. So I make faces at her to make her laugh; I do stuff like stick out my tongue, make faces, pulling on my cheek, and the pretending I have an invisible toothbrush (using my tongue in my mouth as the faux toothbrush). A little later the educational director (my boss) pulls me aside in her office; she saw the invisible toothbrush routine and completely interpreted it the wrong way. And she was angrily telling me about how schoolyard BLOWJOB gestures were very VERY not appropriate. I quickly tried to explain what I was actually doing. But damn, I feel bad. I just hope they hire me again next summer.
ShiftySnowman1: What came next, the "spilling the invisible toothpaste" routine?
6romperstomper9: No, invisible popsicle licking routine.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406273010 | 1406283725 | t3_2bo9hd | t5_2to41 | 9 | nugget359: TIFU by being too honest with my ex
Disclaimer: Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I've been drinking.
So my ex gf and I who are on good terms and fuck buddies had finished up doing the deed and were laying in bed talking about possibly getting back together in the future and the topic of us both being on Tinder came up. Me, being the single guy I am, had hooked up with a chick on it a few weeks ago (fully protected of course) and didn't think much about it. She on the other hand apparently couldn't bring herself to see anyone else since we broke up 2-3 months ago.
Well, my ass just happened to mention that I had hooked up with this other chick, and while to me, it seemed like whatever, my ex took it kind of hard, telling me that she wanted to leave right away so she could go cry. Now I feel like an ass for hurting her since we both still have feelings for each other. I feel like an ass because my ex is someone I really want in my life, and at the time I hooked up with the other chick I was like, shit, I'm single so fuck it I can bang whoever I want! I'm just worried that my ex will be out of my life for good.
Dammit why can't I be a better liar/suppressor of truth? Some things are better left unsaid.
tl;dr: told my fuck buddy ex gf that I hooked up with another chick, turns out it hit her harder than I expected, possibly chased her out of my life
buttered_popcorn: You should try communicating with your ex and come to terms with what your relationship is. You shouldn't feel bad because you weren't committed to her anymore, even *if* the two of you were talking about possibly getting back together. If you really want her back in your life OP, just talk face to face and ask her what she wants of you. But yeah, also apologize for indirectly hurting her, although in my opinion you have nothing to actually apologize for since you two are just fuck buddies.
YukiHyou: > in my opinion you have nothing to actually apologize for since you two are just fuck buddies
Seconded
[deleted]: Motion carried
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406274241 | 1406285826 | t3_2boao1 | t5_2to41 | 30 | rubbish_man_nipples: TIFU by telling wife I thought that swans were adult geese
It started when I had an idiotic thought pass through my head, why don't all geese turn into swans? Then the first mistake was asking my wife. When she stopped laughing and asking me if I was serious I then had to explain why I thought this. I think the main thought was that even though I had heard of the "ugly duckling" fable I had never been read it as a child and that I believed that in the story the duckling became a swan. I then thought that some ducklings evolve to geese and then to swans like some sort of Pokemon evolution and some never evolve at all. I may have also opened my stupid trap and said that swans were super saiyan geese. Any way I learned something and had a good laugh when the news made it around to all my friends. No I don't believe I'm an idiot but I really wish I had got zoobooks as a child instead of highlights.
HopelessSemantic: It happens to all of us, don't feel bad.
Recently, my husband asked me what moths eat, and I confidently responded "Clothes!".
He laughed at me because clearly, that can't be their main source of nourishment. It actually turns out that moths don't eat clothing at all; some moths lay their eggs on clothing, and the larvae eat them.
Urbanik: I can't wait until you discover the botfly. That's gonna be a surprise.
HopelessSemantic: I just looked it up, and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Urbanik: The earth is a wonderful place.
| 5 | 6 | |
1406278439 | 1406400547 | t3_2boe9y | t5_2to41 | 12 | hungoverthrowaway: TIFU by combining my medication with alcohol.
Background: I regularly consume Phenibut for my anxiety issues. It's OTC and it helps me sleep as well. It works absolute wonders however it makes any alcohol you consume exponentially powerful. If I do use it I either don't drink or only have a beer or two and avoid liquor.
I was having a party at my house Saturday. I don't normally host parties but people seem to love them. As I was getting everything together I decided to take a little Phenibut to calm my pre party jitters. I took into account the hour for it too start kicking in and didn't start drinking until then. And that's about when people started to show up.
I had a drink or two in me (it felt like four or five) and then one of my friends showed up brandishing a huge bottle of the Kraken (94 proof mind you) and I took a swig. The party was really starting to get started when I got the fire pit started in the backyard. It hadn't had a drink in 20 minutes so I told my already impaired self I could bear another one... or two. I took two and then that's when it happened...
I woke up the next morning on the floor of my room covered in candle wax an hour before work still drunk. I went to work still drunk that morning and texted my trusted friends to get the details. Apparently right after the fire got started is when the Phenibut decided to hit me even harder for some reason unknown to me and I got way too drunk way too fast and didn't pass out. And that was the third time I blacked out ever. I think it may have been my empty stomach, I don't know.
Either way, I insisted on getting the fire started by pouring straight camping fuel on it which singed my facial hair, eyebrows, and hair. I proceeded to drink more and started slurring and falling everywhere. I said fuck you wayyyy more than was necessary and when instructed to sit down or something I would retort with "YOU you you need to sit down!" Other highlights include me trying to plug my phone into the kitchenaid mixer cord, spilling the water from my keurig everywhere, slipping on said water and faceplanting into the dishwasher, someone convinced me to snort Adderall (I have a drug test coming up so big no no), drinking even MORE alcohol, falling more (I woke up with bruises everywhere), annnnd passing out on the side of the house in the bushes for 15 minutes. There was a search party formed, I was found, and only after all of this was I hauled off to bed.
I apologized profusely to all involved and feel really embarrassed. They are all cool with it and said I put on a good show. Now I just have to put up with all the drunk hungoverthrowaway impressions.
Tl;dr I'm the best host ever. Refer to last two paragraphs for details.
CMYK2RGB: Let me know how you got covered in candle wax when you find out.
hungoverthrowaway: Not as cool as you'd think. I had a candle going on my bedroom. I guess I drunkenly tried to put it out or knocked it off when I made it from the bed to the floor.
snewclewn: oh man!! you got super lucky you didn't burn down the house
| 4 | 3 | |
1406278700 | 1410335435 | t3_2boei4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU Mistake while drunk
I am going to make this as short as possible. I met "Jessica" at work and I started talking to her like I talked to everyone else. Through time she introduced me to her friends and boyfriend. We have all hung out together and her boyfriend is pretty cool. One night me, Jessica, and some other friends were hanging out at the bar. Jessica and I ended up at my place and ended up screwing. I am by no means attracted to her like that. It's just something that happened. After that I dropped her off at her place and we mentioned nothing of it. Well lately I've gotten texts from her that you would expect from some girl who was single and expecting something more. I just hope she doesn't go completely crazy and tell her boyfriend about it.
TrnsamMan: This happened to me, except it was my wife who fucked another man, my best friend actually. Multiple times. They weren't drunk. And I was only told AFTER the guy moved into my place 6 months later.
I almost murdered him.
Drinks_too_much: It's been forever but your comment did not make me feel better at the time, jerk. :)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406283259 | 1406327915 | t3_2boiaw | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by Killing...
I have a giant zero turn mower for mowing about five acres a week. I was mowing the farm grass and out of the corner of my eye I see a small field mouse that was flung out from under my mower. Normally I don't care if I hit a small rodent as shit happens when you mow that much area all the time.
I turned my mower to verify my murderous act and as I pull up, I see that the mommy mouse, lying on its side, was sheltering its baby mouse with its arms wrapped around its child. They were both dying and now I feel like shit. I can only imagine how terrifying the entire scene played out to them. Now I mow just a bit slower these days.
TIFU by mowing over and killing a baby mouse being protected by its mother.
AffiliatedAphlixion: I viciously chopped a snake into a million meaty pieces with my riding lawn mower once. Normally I let grass snakes live, but this one looked quite foreign and I couldn't identify it right away. We do have various venomous snakes where I'm from, so that was my first reaction. After researching from the brief glimpse I got of the snake, it turned out to be a molting corn snake. I felt bad after that.
mercury996: Where do you live that have both corn snakes and venomous snakes?
AffiliatedAphlixion: It was ages ago. I just looked it up again and it was in fact a kingsnake, not cornsnake. Same outcome; harmless and non-venomous = bad feels.
I live in Kansas.
Jimmyjim12: KANSAS
AffiliatedAphlixion: Home sweet home.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1406283424 | 1406304067 | t3_2boifx | t5_2to41 | 367 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally playing my own "cover" of Heyyeyaaeyaeyaa in the workplace
Yes, you read it right. So here's a bit of background: during the summer break I work in this tech store, and sometimes if the music on the radio is too shitty I connect my smartphone to the loudspeakers in store and play random music folder, usually on shuffle. So, last night I was goofing around on the internet and recorded myself singing to that faboulus youtube hit "Heyyeyaaeyaa", but I haven't noticed that my phone memory was full so the recording was saved in one of the music folders on a phone memory card. I got occupied with something else and forgot to delete the recording. By now you can probably see where this is going. Fast forward to my working shift this morning, completely oblivious myself decided to play some music from smartphone and guess what happened 30 minutes later. I was in the middle of sorting some products on the shelves when the horror kicked in. Beside myself there was also my colleague and maybe two or three customers in the store. First 10 seconds into the track, I was trying to figure out what was I even listening to. Then suddenly it hit me. I turned to my colleague/friend who then gave me the most hillarious "wtf dude" look ever (my voice, shittiest imaginable, trying to sing a song that is already ridiculous enough). I instantly bursted into laughter and he joined me right away. Customers just stood there completely dumbfounded. We proceeded to laugh all the way until the end, turning it off didn't even cross my mind. Friend is now insisting that I should pay him therapy sessions.
EDIT:
Unfortunately I saved the recording
so, as you requested, [here it is]( http://vocaroo.com/i/t0va8s0xP2fp)
RodzillaPT: is that the one from the he-man video?
buttered_popcorn: Of course. There is no other
RodzillaPT: It could be something I didn't know of.
thehonz: Could be the original - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NXnxTNIWkc
| 5 | 73.4 | |
1406277053 | 1406303843 | t3_2bod3t | t5_2to41 | 100 | goshuk: TIFU by exiting the office
so we were trying (me and a friend) to get this subcontract job for a turnkey line for a slaughter company.
got up a bit late. meh, fuck breakfast. got into the car. got the friend on the way and drove off to the meeting.
the office they took us in was completely covered with glass (incl. a glass door). no AC. it's morning but already getting warm. anyways. at this point i am expecting it to be a fairly easy meeting: my friend gives 'em the presentation and i answer the technical questions.
the presentation was interrupted frequently by our *prospective* customers so it took triple the time. i am already answering some tough questions and my douchebag of a friend completely fucked up his routine...and i am hungry like a motherfucker. so i am downing cups of coffee on empty stomach.
i expected max. 2 hrs of a meeting which turned out to be 5 hrs. the friend is trying to assist me but in vain, as he has no idea about CAD/CAM, so he is just blurting out buzzwords. i am already hungry, sweaty, agitated, light headed and getting claustrophobic in a fucking glass office. the meeting ends, we shake hands and i am dying to get the fuck outta there. so i am the first one to leave.
i reach out to the glass door...damn! no knob! the fuck?! which retard puts a knobless door?! so i push the door. **nothing**. i try to pull but no knob!! so i start scratching the edges like scrat from the ice age. the fuck is this?! it's not opening. wtf is happening?! then i hear a baritone voice:
- **mr. goshuk. the door is this way!**
i look around and the entire group of people are laughing and my friend facepalming.
ParisianZee: Ahah, it happens man.
Happened to me right after a job interview. Interview went really well, I'm really proud of myself and all ... next thing you know I look like a retard trying to open the door to leave the interview room - door is closed and has a big "No Exit" sign on it. Turns out I was so happy to leave that place I forgot where we came in from in the first place.
Massive odd looks towards me followed by a silent, ashamed walk to the other end of the room to get the proper door.
PopeGregoryIX: The way to deal with these situations is to laugh heartily and say "How embarrassing!". Then leave.
ParisianZee: Yeah that'd have definitely helped - oh well they still offered me the job later so it wasn't so bad.
| 4 | 25 | |
1406284092 | 1406304657 | t3_2boiz5 | t5_2to41 | 4 | TheLivingLibrary: TIFU by Swimming With my Phone
hxcrichard: Drop it into a bag full of rice. Let it sit for a day or two. DO NOT TRY AND TURN IT ON AT ALL FOR LIKE 2 DAYS. Do not freeze it, tried it doesnt work. When you put it in the rice make sure to seperate it as much as possible. Battery taken out, leave cover off, so on. Not gauranteed to work. But it has saved me multiple times
TheLivingLibrary: Im on holiday. I have no rice. I tried a hairdryer, a charger, towels, everything. Its not working.
hxcrichard: A charger? Please tell me you did not plug the phone in. Im assuming you didnt because that would be horrendous....
TheLivingLibrary: Umm.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1406289501 | 1406290072 | t3_2bonzo | t5_2to41 | 8 | Metarlon: Tifu by removing my headphones
So it's like 9:30pm where I live right now and my mum and step dad got back from the airport a good hour ago so I go into my room decide to chat with some friends on Skype while listening to the radio and I take out the headphones and I'm pretty tired but then it hits me I can hear the shower running and 2 voices projecting off the tiles I then realise those are the voices of my mum and stepdad then I begin to realise holy crap they are in the shower together at first I think "meh" so I put my headphones back in but I suddenly hear this burst of laugher and giggling over my music, I sit there slowly freaking out think "the actual fuck they doing in there?" It became super obvious when I heard my step dad yell "oi don't grab that"
5mins later my mum walks into my room and I'm just laying their traumatised from their make up fondel. My mum asks me "what are you doing"
I look at her and say "I heard everything"
She blushes and walks off telling me to go to bed.
ksleepwalker: dafuq am i reading
6romperstomper9: Apparently meth doesn't effect him???
ksleepwalker: meth..not even once...
6romperstomper9: LOL not you, OP.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1406290757 | 1406449141 | t3_2bop9z | t5_2to41 | 52 | CaptainRonSwanson: TIFU by entering the wrong restroom.
Alright, so this story isn't recent but has been haunting me everyday for about 6 years.
I had just gotten off work. It was one of those "Fuck, this is a long day" days. About 5 more hours of work than expected. So I'm dog tired and my girlfriend at the time had called to see if I'd pick something up from Wal-Mart for her (don't remember what it was, obviously not important.)
I stop by the closest store to where I work and go inside.I'm a heavy water drinker, close to 2 gallons a day. I walk into Wal-Mart and head to the restroom. The Mens Room was on my right. I do my thing, then head over buy whatever the hell it was she wanted. And... they don't have it. Guess who's going to a second Wal-Mart?
30 minutes later, I arrive at the next store. I walk in and that overwhelming "Go. Piss. NOW!" signal is being sent out from my bladder. This Wal-Mart is laid out IDENTICAL to the first one. I head over to the restroom, walk through the door on the right and walk directly into the abyss.
It took me a second to realize where I was. First, there's no urinals, which should have been my first clue to turn the fuck around, but it's late and I had to piss. Then, I notice 5 Wal-Mart associates staring at me. I stared back, wondering why the hell the cleaning sign wasn't up outside; this is the Men's Room, dammit, get these women out of here!
While we're having this intense staring contest, perplexed as to the opposite sex is in our restroom, I suddenly see "it." In the back of the restroom, inside the handicap stall, two more employees are on their knees, attending to a rather obese woman, who is passed out, splayed out and covered in blood.
And I'm not talking about a little bit of blood. There was blood on the walls, on the floor, all over the woman. Shirt's covered. Skirt's covered. Legs. Arms. Neck. Fucking blood EVERYWHERE!
And the position she was in! Unholy and terrifying! Put 220 lbs. on Regan MacNeil and you'll be picturing this scene perfectly. The crab walk was probably her last move before passing out.
I wasn't sure what the hell I was witnessing and the associates just stared at me slack-jawed; no one said anything. They were just as shocked as I was was and had no clue what to do. I did, however. I got the hell out there and found myself a urinal.
When I left the actual Men's Room, there were 2 employees stationed outside of the Women's, guarding the hellacious mess inside.
To this day, every time I go into a restroom, I double check the signs outside. I'm afraid I stumbled upon some sort of secret blood sacrifice and have no desire to wind up in the middle of one.
No ambulance ever showed up. And when I finally left 30 minutes later (with whatever the fuck it was),those same associates were still guarding the door.
tl;dr: Entered the wrong Wal-Mart restroom and walked into the slaughter of a fat lady.
Raiden_Gekkou: She probably ate something from the Walmart deli, which led to her demise in the bathroom. Can confirm, worked at Walmart as photo center specialist.
myepicdemise: I can relate to that.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1406291112 | 1406323531 | t3_2bopq7 | t5_2to41 | 56 | XerxesClayton: TIFU by listening to Foo Fighters
I didn't think I'd ever have as post for this subreddit... This happened an hour ago.
Backstory: So I woke up 6:15am and zombie walked to the kitchen to nab some Cinnamon fuckin Toast and then played some morning jams: Foo Fighters Greatest Hits. I got to a sing called Best of You. This is important.
Queue me getting into the shower, and seeing as how im going out this weekend I decided to grab my beard trimmer and do some shavin. I'm beginning to wake up some more and im going to town on my pubes all like *bzz bzz* silky smooth, and I'm whisper-screaming lyrics to The Best.
For those of you that don't know how that song goes, look it up, and know that the chorus goes "Is someone getting THE BEST, THE BEST, THE BEST, THE BEST of you?"
Back to me whisper-screaming "THE BEST, THE BEST, THE BEST...". Because I'm essentially Dave Grohl, I was getting really into my performance, and getting distracted... while shaving my balls. That's went I felt the sting. FUCK THAT HURT, WTF?! Look at my razor and you'd think I pulled a hair wrong or was shaving in the wrong direction, but no. Sitting on the vibrating razor blades, WAS FUCKING BALL SACK FLESH. Eyes widened I look down and see blood coming from my balls and I let out this squeel, "eeep" type thing, realizing what had happened.
I don't know if you guys have ever seen blood coming from your balls, but it's fucking scary. I penguin-waddled over to the water (I was shaving outside of where water was falling), and when the water hit my nuts it burned like a motherfucker!!
TLDR: A razor got THE BEST, THE BEST, THE BEST, THE BEST of me.
[deleted]: Dave Grohl never would have screamed. He would have kept on screaming. Next time listen to Razor by the Foo Fighters. Seems like a more fitting song. Bandage that shit up.
Dent18: There's also a song called Hell on the same album which would also be quite fitting.
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1406291687 | 1406319085 | t3_2boqe9 | t5_2to41 | 23 | BecauseImBliiiiind: TIFU by farting and talking in my sleep.
It was few days ago and my BF still jokes about it every day since. So one night, I've got some weird dreams and I woke up normally until my bf ask me : "What was your dream about last night ? ".
I reply what I remember was there was this power, like a light, breaking out of the ice and coming into me (I never knew what was the power in my dreams), I felt weird, that's all. At this point he began to laugh his ass and start telling me what happened last night :
First, I was moving and grumbling, then I farted out loud (fol), a really big fart. A few seconds after, I asked him "do you feel it? " (in fact, in my language feel and smell is the same word so after a fart he understood smell while I meant feel, like I was dreaming about a power inside me)
He answered me by asking if it was the dog who farted?
I replied " NO! " like I was really sure about it. Then, I said "it's inside the ice. "
At this point he understood I was sleep talking and he fell asleep.
So, in the morning with my explanation of the power, he understood that the fart was the power breaking out of the ice (my butt). Now my power is farting...
This was my uncontrolled fuck up, sorry for my poor english.
TomRiddle83: Unless there is some sort of cultural issue I am not getting this is hardly a FU, you are fine.
Go you for having an awesome BF who can joke about with you.
BecauseImBliiiiind: Why would my body do that to me? farting and asking if he smell it? and answering that it wasn't the dog, why? and telling the story of the power didn't help... thanks for the reply and yes my bf is awesome
TomRiddle83: Who knows. I had a GF once (now my wife) insist that I TAKE IT age sat bolt upright and put 'it' in my hand. It was nothing but she was insistent.
BecauseImBliiiiind: What do you mean by "I take it age"? SOrry my english
RX_queen: I'm going to guess it's a typo
>insist that I TAKE IT **and** sat bolt upright
TomRiddle83: Correct. Stupid ios keyboard.
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1406290436 | 1406325049 | t3_2booym | t5_2to41 | 13 | oldboyfuckup: TIFU by watching Oldboy (2013) thinking that I was watching the original (2003)
Spoilers for Oldboy (for the love of god watch the original).
-----
I am the most critical, pickiest dickhead ever. I only buy games with rated well on Steam/Metacritic, only watch shows with an 8+ rating on IMDB, only watch anime with an 8+ rating on MAL, and only watch movies with a 8+ rating on IMDB. I criticize every fucking thing, and slap a personal rating on anything consumable.
Now, for the longest time, this has worked very well for me. Since I began this arrogant agenda, I started to enjoy more of the media I consumed when before I was the jackass who enjoy Transformers. Repeatedly, I was blowing away by outstanding films, games, shows, and more simply by following this rating rule. Until fucking today. Doing this for so long and being rewarded with fantastic quality of production has SKEWED my perspective on EVERYTHING. And I only realized my idiocy today.
I was searching for some quality 8+ movies on IMDB and found a movie called Oldboy. I immediately began torrenting it (or so I thought) without even looking at the cover art or the date it was made. I just noticed some Korean things and that was it.
After I jacked off to some 85% rated porn, the torrent finished downloading, and I began to watch. At first, it seemed a little off. Out of place protagonist, incredibly cheesy beginning, terrible plot movement, plot holes minutes in, but I just wrote it off as nothing because of its high rating.
Halfway through, I am actually enjoying it and started to backup the obviously awful directing and acting. Once I was done, I was curious about the flaws I noticed, and that's when I realized I fucking watched the "remake" instead of the original. I checked the rating. 5.7. I literally had my mouth so agape you could fit a horsecock in it. In the movie near the end, the MC is screaming at his own stupidity for fucking his own daughter without knowing it. And here I am doing the same fucking shit.
I'm still blown away at my sheer stupidity... I felt like a console fanboy starting flamewars on Youtube. I felt like that one person who thinks evolution is just a theory. I felt like the guy who labels every member of a group as identical based on an individual. I felt fake and idiotic.
How could I allow my "obviously superior judgemental skills" be skewed by mere numbers, and not solid evidence and facts?
TL;DR: I am a cock. Watched Oldboy 2013. Realized how stupid I am. Learned a very important lesson in life.
nogoodones: The ability to read a rating and having good taste are two different things.
Skepticum: This. Spend less time worrying about ratings (aka the hive-mind), and focus on what YOU enjoy.
As an aside, the way you write doesn't do you any favors...sounds like you have a pretty narcissistic perception of yourself.
> my obviously superior judgemental skills
pacman_johns: yeah, i mean, the dude does mention in the tl;dr that he is a cock, so while he is narcissitic, he's also realistic? either way, spike lee's old boy is fucking bullshit and the original is absolutely incredible, so i can sympathize for him.
mrmcmaine: I though that the "obviously superior judgment" comment was probably a self-mocking joke rather than an arrogant renark.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1406294389 | 1406417009 | t3_2botp5 | t5_2to41 | 11 | tomatopancake: TIFU by my vagina being a complete asshole
I should really begin this with how my vagina has fucked up my life since I was 15. I'm sure the women on here have heard that age old question from their gyn "When's the last time you had your period" or "are you regular." My answer to these questions are, "I don't fucking know" and "assuredly fucking not." My vagina is literally like a pussy…cat, does what the fuck it wants and when it wants. No period this month and freak me the fuck out that I'm pregnant, why not? Buckets of blood pouring from me the next month like Taratino directed it, definitely. My vagina's periods is like the M. Night Shyamalan of movies; you think its going to be an ok ride…then *TWIST* your white pants become the hallway/elevators of The Shining and you hate your life. Alright now that you know the ins and out of my vagina (not literally of course), here's where I fucked up.
So, I spent the night on the couch at my good friends place. He, being a gentleman, gave me a nice patel colored blanket and his duvet cover to sleep with. I, having the worst tempermental vagina, decided to bleed last night. I woke up with blood on my dress (it's long and I think caught most of it). I checked the futon and didn't see anything scarring left behind, so I beelined it out of his apartment without waking him up. Only when I got on the elevator did I remember that I didn't check the damn covers to see if I bled on them. No clue how to look at him in the face if I did. And to add onto the shit pile, this wouldn't be first offense at his place (talking about being drunk there and the other time I almost ruined our friendship by thinking sex was a great idea, but the bleeding is a new one). Any ladies out there who have gone through the same thing speak up and help me feel better.
Also, yes I've tried birth control to become more regular. All it did was make my period symptoms worse but on a timely basis. Not the biggest fan.
poohspiglet: Have you heard of panty liners? They are a thing. Especially when your cycle is unpredictable. Big girls usually do keep track of their cycle also. If you have a cellphone, there's actually an app for that, so I've heard.
-My_Other_Account-: Did you read the part where she said her period wasn't regular?
poohspiglet: Hence my suggestions. It's a good thing to talk to the doctor about too, but when you're clueless you have no clues to give, no? If you use a tracker app, or even a notepad app, OP might have some data for her health care provider. If she wears underwear and uses panty liners, she would buy herself a little time to find whatever she uses during her period, either cup, tampon, or pad, to soak up the flow. That's how you be a mature woman.
roxys4effy: Im guessing you didn't actually read the story.
poohspiglet: I read it more than once. You like to guess about a lot of stuff, huh?
roxys4effy: Whatevs.
poohspiglet: I know you're young, hun, I'm really just trying to help you out and be a lady. I've got a daughter, and I know a lot of lessons sometimes get missed between generation. You can always make a TIFU turn into a learning experience if you actually learn something from it.
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1406295155 | 1406497631 | t3_2bourb | t5_2to41 | 452 | [deleted]: TIFU By saying a constipation joke before I started preaching at church.
So I was asked to prepare a 20 minute long sermon or just preach from the bible for the 20 mins. And before I started I thought I would tell a joke in front of the 80-100 people at church. And on that day(the sunday just gone) there were 3 visiting pastors from our main assembly, including our '1st in charge' pastor who I thought, as the serious man he is, would love a good joke every now and then.
So I've stood up, pretty nervous with sweat covering my short moustache, walked over to the lectern and began with this joke.
Who are the most constipated men in the Bible?
(At this staged I already knew I 'FU', the look on No.1 pastor's face was one for the books, followed by our pastor sinking in his chair as everyone looked at each other with fear of embarrassment, I continued)
Cain, as he wasn't abel (my brother sat there with a huge grin his face at the back of the building)
Moses, he had to take two tablets (silence, we could literally hear a baby next door crying)
King solomon, he sat on the throne for 40 years (a few smiles)
Balaam, he couldn't move his ass (At this stage I started rushing, as I knew I would be crucified for saying 'ass' when I'm not reading from the bible, I know, what bunch of over sensitive, sex deprived bible bashers)
And finally my personal favourite (I FU big time by saying that) Samson, who brought the house down!
I stood there with a half smile keeping my laughter in, my brother almost in tears as he walked to the back of the hall with pace. I couldn't hold my self together as I shortly bursted out with a quickly fading laughter. The No.1 Paster smiled as the other pastors pretended that they didn't hear anything and everyone one sat there still, with the occasional person holding a smile.
My sermon didn't kick off to well as I had to tried keep the laughter in once more, and to make it worse the No.1 pastor afterwards said that he will pray me whilst giving me a friendly punch on the shoulder. I left almost immediately, and still feel like I should never return.
FayBooLess: I know you're embarrassed, but don't worry, *it'll pass*.
poop_squirrel: Haaaa.....
mikerowphallice: what does it mean when your a 22 year old who still gets a laugh out of any thing to do with poop or farts Mr.poopsquirrel?
Whisperer85: Actually, this is just healthy. It comes from learning to be embarrassed for pooping when you are a kid so you'd stop playing with that awesome self made play dough.
In fact, people who can't laugh with poop jokes are generally those that played with their droppings into an inappropriately later age.
This, by the way, is great to know when you tell a poop jokes and a few people aren't laughing...
myepicdemise: But I don't remember having played with poop at ANY stage of my life...
Whisperer85: Ask your parents...
| 7 | 64.571429 | |
1406294211 | 1406582809 | t3_2botfz | t5_2to41 | 6 | qwerq33: TIFU by switching shampoos.
At my house we have an outside shower, and my Mom insists on getting super organic soaps. (I'm an old spice kind of guy myself) . Therefore I'm always bugging her to get old spice. Well 2 days ago, as I'm in the shower, I read the ingredients on the shampoo and realize it has almond oil in it, which I'm allergic to! "Sweet! Excuse to get old spice!" (I'd had a constant slight head itch since we got this shampoo) . So I talk to mom, and she gets head and shoulders old spice shampoo and conditioner (I've had slight dandruff issues). I shower with it immediately, g to sleep that night no problem.
I wake up at 330 am with my head feeling like it's on fire, and I lay awake itching it until 9, when I got up. I assumed it was sunburn, and so after showering again, put aloe Vera in my hair. It didn't help. I showered that night, and forgetting about the old spice, used the almond oil. Head stopped itching about an hour after.
Tl;dr. Switched shampoos, spent a day in constant pain.
Voyager5555: Have you tried buying old spice yourself?
qwerq33: I'd love to but as I'm still in high school and can't drive that doesn't work so well.
AstroNaughtilus: Drive? Are you living on an isolated piece of land away from the town? I'm guessing you're from the USA, as it's the country where people are obsessed with driving everywhere, even around the corner. Just use bicycle, or walk. Both are better for your health anyway.
qwerq33: Yeah I'm about 25 miles from the nearest town...
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1406295177 | 1406307694 | t3_2bouse | t5_2to41 | 8 | yotama9: TIFU by going the extran mile when a stranger asked me for a favour.
I was in the mall this morning, buying a medicine for SO. On my way to the car, the security guard asked to have a phone call. I told him I didn't have my phone with me, and continue to the car. When I've reached the car, I've decided to grab my phone, and let the security guard to have his call.
He told me the number, I dialed it, and waited there. The guard phone somebody about second closet and outdoor storage (I don't know why it was so important) and he appeared stressed whenever somebody came down the stairs.
Naturally, his supervisor has arrived while on on the phone, and surprisingly the guard didn't end the call. The super asked him (in angry tone) why is he on the phone, and why does he have friend on the post) I took the phone and shyly walked off, knowing that by being kind to a stranger I might have caused him to loose his job.
Tl;dr borrowed my phone to a security guard while on duty and he was cause and confronted about this.
notsorrycharlie: It's his fault that he was on the phone while at work. That was his decision, not yours. Don't feel bad about it.
yotama9: I know, it is still depressing.
nhebert1987: That's sad. I work as a security guard, and we always use our cells when we have to make an urgent call or reporting something in. We don't want to hold up the radio traffic with all the info we have to give to the control room, etc etc. It sounds like he was using it for his job duties, but I don't know.
yotama9: This most definitely wasn't for job duties. He said to the other side that this is for his balcony
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1406297168 | 1406334897 | t3_2boxmx | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my husband know I deleted old "sent" emails to exes. Most of which contained mutual porn
I work the night shift and my husband works days. Last night was my day off so I'm playing BF4 on hubbys computer because I'm able to play on "ultra" settings (My PC would catch fire if I tried to do this).
So after a couple hours, I decide to quit and browse the interwebs. I notice his old email open in a tab, and click on it. Not a big deal, our relationship has 100% transparency we've known each others passwords our entire relationship/marriage. Not to mention I often have to log into his email to activate certain games/promos because the gaming clients (Steam, Origin) are linked to his email.
Anyway, back to his email. I happen to click on the "sent" folder because I am nosey. His folder dates allll the way back to before we even met, so naturally there's old emails to former girlfriends/flings. I get curious and start clicking on them (not upset at all, this is before he even met me!) and was shocked to find old pics of him and an ex "engaged in sexual activities". Kept looking through and found old "gone wild" pics his exes have sent him and deleting as I go.
The next morning, he's taking a break from work and we start chatting about random crap married couples do. I casually bring up what I found last night (seriously, not mad at all here) and told him I deleted the old emails. Made a quip (this is where I lost him I think) saying he's not allowed to call be "beautiful" anymore because that was his "pet name" for most of his exes. He flipped his shit. Called me psycho and now changed his passwords.
I'm not even mad. But I guess his invasion of privacy was to much? Or maybe he's upset I deleted all his fap pictures from his "golden days"?
rxcowboy: Nice fuck up. You went snooping, didn't find shit, went snooping further before he even met you, read through the emails and the deleted them.
Go to marriage counseling, now.
MightyTaint: > Go to marriage counseling, now.
Why? Let this train wreck of a marriage end quickly so husband can find him a non-psycho woman.
rxcowboy: Never end a good marriage over one fuck up. If a marriage can be saved and made stronger, do whatever it takes.
Then if that doesn't work, you can divorce and not wonder if you did all you could.
MightyTaint: You *really* think if she behaves like this, and makes this dumb thread trying to write off what she did and minimize it all, that is this the *first* selfish fuck-up she's done?
rxcowboy: Since I can't prove that it is or isn't, I stand by my recommendation for counseling.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1406297381 | 1406299248 | t3_2boxxb | t5_2to41 | 2 | shut_dat_mouth: TIFU by betting on the Peyton Manning
Didn’t happen today… This is from the Superbowl.
It was the morning of the Superbowl and my roommates and I were preparing to throw an all day party complete with two kegs, all the fried food you can dream of, and a bunch of other typical Superbowl party food. We decided to place bets on the game to make it more interesting… I ended up betting $50 and a fifth of Jose Cuervo on the Broncos to win.
This was about 11:00am and we proceeded to begin drinking. Flash forward to the National Anthem and we are fucking smashed. Right from the beginning the Broncos are eating shit. Everyone at the party knew the bet I made and continued to remind me every turnover and Seattle touchdown. The more I get badgered the more I drink to ease the pain.
At halftime there is at best a glimmer of hope… maybe Peyton can bring the boys back. I had not completely given up until Seattle returned the first kickoff of the second half for a touchdown. FUCK. In my drunken state of mind I accept defeat, but there is no way I’m buying my roommate a fifth of Jose without me getting some of it. I go to the liquor store, pick up the bottle and return. I proceed to take four shots back to back again to ease the pain.
Before I know it I am outrageously drunk. Unhealthy state of mind drunk off my ass. I slam a window as hard as I can and my arm is destroyed. Blood everywhere. I see my insides. Three inch gash the width of my forearm. The story goes on but its not nearly as interesting…paramedics come (with the police), me cursing out the doctors, taking photos and uploading videos of my open arm.
Luckily I didn’t hit any arteries, have any nerve damage, or cut any tendons. I cut my muscle in half, but those regenerate on their own.
TLDR: Bet on the Broncos, sadness of their loss pushed me to get too drunk, put my arm through a window
peppage: That's a very intense reaction for $50. Is it common for you to get so angry while drinking?
shut_dat_mouth: No it really isn't. I honestly did not think the window was going to break... I was surprised by my drunk strength.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406295642 | 1406303905 | t3_2bovfd | t5_2to41 | 8 | throwawayaccount9812: TIFU by making a joke on a deadly accident scene
Last night a big accident happened near my house.
From what I know(police don't tell much about what happened since its still under investigation) there was a high speed police chase. The guy who tried to get away from cops lost control of his car and ended up hitting a tree. The impact on the tree was so hard that the car was split in half and some part of the car caught on fire.
So there was this guy who seem to be an investigator or something like that who was talking to someone right next to me. During his conversation with the person the investigator said something like " we will try to see if there is any impact of the police car on the car " (the car is actually a total wreck I don't see how they will see if there is any impact) so I said something like "yeah... there is a big impact on the car since he hit the tree"
The investigator then look at me in a really serious/pissed off way and he told me "if you are here to make joke go back to your home" then he left to his car. Soon after I said to the person who was with the investigator" did you saw anything about the car crash?" His answer was "it was the car of my brother who died last night"
the only reaction I had was to walk away from the scene. It has been about 2 hours since I said that and I really cant think about something else. I feel really bad. I just realized how a horrible I can be... I really hate myself.
YrocATX: I hit a dog while driving a truck one time. It was a big truck, and it was a very small dog. My buddy in the truck with me thought it was horrible, I said "That dog was an asshole", and I just believed it, to rationalize the fact that it happened.
Maybe this guys brother was an asshole.
stonemajor: Assuming the fact that he was chased by the police and didn't stop his car (which obviously means more than a speeding ticket) he probably was an "asshole" or at least someone that didn't feel bad breaking the law.
Even if he was not, the guy you just talked to will understand.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406297118 | 1406344568 | t3_2boxkc | t5_2to41 | 33 | CheesyGorditoCrunch: TIFU by waking up a dog
I've been dating this girl now for about a month. We've hit it off pretty well, even met her parents (she lives at home currently so guess thats not a very big accomplishment). Well we went to a concert last night and got home late so her family was all asleep.
We managed to have some late night fun without waking anyone up after we got back...Honestly her room shares walls with her 26 y/o brother and her parents are right down the hall so i was having the lightest sex of my life. Like agonizingly slow while holding my breath and not making a sound. Its not like shes young (22 just got outta uni) but her parents arent to into the whole have-sex-before-your-married deal cuz....you know....that one religion, deep south Christianity ( we live in california, but they moved here from south carolina).
Well anyways that was successful and she wanted me to stay the night because I have to get up for work at 445 every god forsaken day and that way I would be awake before everyone.
Morning comes around she tells me its totally cool to take a shower. Definitely should not have listened to her. So I'm about to turn the shower on but I'm relieving myself first. And as most guys in new relationships know, I had held my flatulence in for the last 6 hours to not scare away the new lady friend and I desperately needed to fart. New relationship farts are different than most gassy experiences. These ones can last for seconds and sound like a normal fart held up against a mega-phone.
Well I couldnt help it, I'm standing in the bathroom naked while my girl is in the kitchen and I fart so loudly her parents dog heard it and starts barking like a rabid pooch. Her dad gets up to see her in the kitchen and asks who's in the closed-door bathroom with the lights on and the shower just turning on. He pounds on the door as I scramble for my briefs.
I shyly open it and try to start apologizing about waking him/his dog up but he wants none of it. Fingers waving in my face, f-bombs dropping left and right. My initial reaction is to grab my shit and run out because he wouldnt even let me get a word in. Which I did.
I drove off in my boxers and towards the nearest coffee shop. When i get there, I realize that I dropped or left my only pair of pants in my car. I live in the complete opposite direction and I had to be at work because our biggest customer was auditing my production team at 6 AM. I had some gym shorts in my car so I threw those one with my button down and dress shoes.
My boss has never given me the look she gave me this morning when I walked in. She asked me wtf I was doing dressed like that so I proceeded to tell her the story, which she thought was hilarious but was not happy about the shorts...Well I passed the fucking audit, looking stupid as hell. Customers didnt even ask. Now I'm just waiting to hear from my gf...
FrostedJakes: So if you're driving your car to the nearest coffee shop, and your pants were left in your car.. why were you without pants?
AzoresDude: Because he's lying
CheesyGorditoCrunch: yes because i was lying. i just really wanted people to feeels me but in reality i live a sad, sad boring life. Oh wait I am literally still at work in my gym shorts
AzoresDude: Cool story bro
JacksFalseHope: GTFO Azores, no one wants your brotastic comments.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1406297782 | 1406344427 | t3_2boyjx | t5_2to41 | 75 | blackbeltbud: TIFU by accusing a child of stealing
Okay, so I actually did this back in December, but I had to wait for the initial cringe factor to wear off. So, it all started when a group of friends and I decided to go to Dave and Busters to celebrate for something. We go in, activate those cool little token cards, and begin playing. A few minutes in, I played the "Deal or No Deal" game and won (fuck yea).
So I'm walking tall with fresh stacks in my ticket cup when me and a few friends spot a giant fruit ninja machine with big words on it that read "SUPPORTS MULTIPLAYER". Dude. Fruit ninja WITH friends? Yes please. So, we head over there to start this promising experience. So, I set down my overflowing ticket cup and swipe my token card. I'm waiting for my buddy to get his ready when he calls me over to show him where the right game mode is. I walk around and start telling him where to click when suddenly, I hear a little kid saying things like "Whoa! Awesome!" I walk back around and what do I see? Some snot nose, punk, token stealing, fruit ninja playing eight year old playing on the screen I just swiped my eight tokens on.
After calming myself down, I told myself that I would wait for him to be over, then just swipe again for myself. No big deal. It was expensive, but whatever. I had my fat stacks from Deal or No Deal to more than make up for a few tokens list to the commoners. So I watch my friend play this little eight year old kid (because he was playing after I already set it to multiplayer) who is putting my tokens to shame. After a terrible match with the worst fruit ninja in the world, my friend and I decide to play another game instead. So we start to walk off when I realize I forgot my sweet Benjis at the game. I turned and to grab them and... what? They're gone! My only proof of choosing the million dollar case! My distinction between the rich and the poor! My only chance of being a somebody!
So, like Sherlock Holmes, I immediately deduced it was taken by the kid. I mean, he stole my tokens. Who's to say he didn't steal my tickets too. So I look around and spot the family heading to another game, and what do I see in their hands but two ticket cups! I knew it! They don't need two ticket cups! No one does! So, after convincing myself to not be a pushover and let this injustice happen, I marched right over to the parents said in my sweetest voice "Excuse me, but I think your son might have grabbed my ticket cup by mistake." I pointed at the cup with more tickets, because.. ya know.. Deal or No Deal. The mom looks at me with the most shocked/annoyed face, and the dad just says "Uh.... noooooo.....? We've had these ticket cups since we got here... you probably left it somewhere..."
As I'm sitting there trying to decide how to call this bastard out on clearly lying to me and taking those golden coupons of delight from me, I see my buddy off in the distance frantically waving and looking like an idiot. I give him a look like "Wtf?" He immediately holds up a ticket cup with tons of tickets in it. Cool. He got a bunch of tickets too. That doesn't.. Hey wait a minute. That's MY ticket cup! Without saying another word, I turn around and walk away as briskly as possible.
As I'm leaving, I can hear the mom scoff and say "Seriously?"
Zombona: Dave and Busters is for adults, that little snot should not have been in there in the first place.
funkyChicken82: Thats what I was going to say! It's like you don't see me going to Chuck E Cheese and getting little mouse tokens and shit. Get out of here little kid!
Dinosoarman: I went there when i was 12. :I
I mean, it's not like *all* children take stuff that's not theirs.
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1406300319 | 1406363996 | t3_2bp2ks | t5_2to41 | 2,026 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally consuming ~8-12mg of LSD.
Not today, but 2 weeks ago. I just got out the hospital yesterday morning when it just now dawned on me that this story would be perfect here.
A bit of context.. I'm at a few younger friends house during a grad party, they just finished high school and I'm almost 20. Everyone including me is fairly drunk, and we have just ordered pizza but I'm still quite hungry - probably haven't eaten since lunch and its right around midnight. I go to look around for food in the kitchen, and in the shelf under the liquor cabinet I find a bowl covered in tinfoil that I open. Hundreds of gummy bears, perfect. Munching on them immediately, I've eaten dozens by the time I'm back in the room with the rest of the party.
I continue eating them over the next couple of minutes when the host suddenly screams in a tone I've never heard him use before at me "HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU EATEN JENNER!" from behind. Everyone is starting at us, "Uhh I've lost count, did you not want me eating these?".
The next 15-20 minutes is a colourful haze, but as he is explaining to me that each gummy has the equivalent to one tab of acid laced in them, it's starting to hit me. Hard. The last couple of things I remember before whiting out is the intense panic that engulfed my being and the mediocrely lit room getting so bright that sunglasses would have not done justice. I was staring at a group of drunk people when I slowly moved to the carpet and got comfy with the ground.
The peak of the trip probably lasted a solid 48 hours, of which I remember nothing. Coming down lasted quite a while as well, easily another 2 days although I was able to sleep during this time in brief increments. On my way down the visual and auditorial hallucinations were so intense that the only explanation I have of them is "A dream in Legoland swamped with geometric fire". During this time I had lost all connection with reality and I spend the next 10 or so days in the hospital being forcefully fed and talked to by Psych Nurses trying to get a grip on my mental state.
Today I'm still getting tracer visuals when I move my head around and if I stare at something long enough it's details begin to swirl. I'm quite emotionally shaken and my brain feels like it's running at 60% capacity but otherwise I just feel weak from being bedridden. My sense of time had been non existent at the time so the timeline I'm giving you has been explained to me by others. Luckily I'm jobless and out of school, so there wasn't any backlash regarding career advancement.
Just happy to be sober. The last week or so was the worst when I'd realized what had happened and wanted nothing but to come down.
TL;DR: Ate several dozen gummy bears laced with LSD and spend the next 2 weeks under hospital care.
Edit: I'm getting a lot of comments regarding the trip length of Acid and I felt like this needed to be addressed here. It's impossible to tell you how long the actual "trip" lasted, but the bulk of the hospital visit was spent recovering from the shock of the trip itself.
As for the dosage itself. This amount is almost purely an estimation, the only thing I have to work with is the word of each gummy bear holding "1 tab" of LSD. A tab can hold anywhere from 50-250 mcgs of acid and the number of gummy bears is also an estimation.
[deleted]: **this is a blatant lie which can be proven wrong with peer reviewed scientific data which i have provided**
the main reason i know is because no matter how much LSD you take, the experience will not last longer than 12-14 hours. i have friends who have layed thumbprints (sticking your thumb in a vial of crystal LSD and licking it - equivalent to 1500-2000 hits at once.) and they were sober the next day - it's not like gas in a car, even if you put in 150 hits, they are still metabolized at the same speed as 1 hit. do science, guys.
source: http://www.maps.org/w3pb/new/1964/1964_aghajanian_2224_1.pdf peer reviewed scientific paper <------
wiki: "Contrary to early reports and common belief, LSD effects do not last longer than the amount of time significant levels of the drug are present in the blood. Aghajanian and Bing (1964) found LSD had an elimination half-life of only 175 minutes"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysergic_acid_diethylamide
goblando: If the usual dose of acid is 20mcg or 20 * 10^-6 grams, and the OP consumed 8mg or 8 * 10^-3 grams then the elimination can be tracked by the following list where the amount in the blood is in mcg:
Time (HH:MM) | 12mg | 8mg | Large Hit (100 mcg) | Small Hit (20 mcg)
---|---|---|---|---
00:00 | 12000.000 | 8000.000 | 100.000 | 20.000
02:55 | 6000.000 | 4000.000 | 50.000 | 10.000
05:50 | 3000.000 | 2000.000 | 25.000 | 5.000
08:45 | 1500.000 | 1000.000 | 12.500 | 2.500
11:40 | 750.000 | 500.000 | 6.250 | 1.250
14:35 | 375.000 | 250.000 | 3.130 | 0.630
17:30 | 187.500 | 125.000 | 1.560 | 0.310
20:25 | 93.750 | 62.500 | 0.780 | 0.160
23:20 | 46.880 | 31.250 | 0.390 | 0.080
26:15 | 23.440 | 15.630 | 0.200 | 0.040
29:10 | 11.720 | 7.810 | 0.100 | 0.020
32:05 | 5.860 | 3.910 | 0.050 | 0.010
35:00 | 2.930 | 1.950 | 0.020 | 0.000
37:55 | 1.460 | 0.980 | 0.010 | 0.000
40:50 | 0.730 | 0.490 | 0.010 | 0.000
43:45 | 0.370 | 0.240 | 0.000 | 0.000
46:40 | 0.180 | 0.120 | 0.000 | 0.000
49:35 | 0.090 | 0.060 | 0.000 | 0.000
Edit: Updated chart data with more columns to compare against normal hit.
Edit 2: Obvi OP can be lying. I don't know if he is, or care really, because I got to make a table in a comments post.
[deleted]: Except youre assuming perfect bioavailability. Which simply cannot happen at that kind of dose. Lsd is water soluable, if he took that much the majority would be pissed out.
goblando: He quoted the study that says elimination half life. That should include the water soluble as one of the factors.
[deleted]: ... thats not how this works. Do you have any background in pharmacology? Chemistry? If not, trust the guy who's made a career out of this. OP is full of shit.
goblando: I am not saying he is or isn't full of shit, but what the commentor posted gave an elimination half life and based on that calculation above it is possible (though very unlikely).
Also, how can I trust you if you aren't explaining the science behind it. Mentioning bioavailability doesn't explain what mechanisms are involved with LSD metabolization when absorbed through the mouth, esophagus, stomach, and intestines. At least I showed my work :)
I should note that I am very curious about the mechanisms so if you take the time to explain the science, at least one person will find it interesting.
[deleted]: Theres a plethora of literature out there, far more than can be summed up in a reddit thread. Suffice to say, you have a limited number of receptors for a substance, and your blood is only going to pick up a certain amount and carry it to the brain at all. Especially when taken orally, your body is constantly flushing your system and lsd is water soluable, meaning the more you take at one time, the lower percentage of the total substance you ingested is going to end up in the blood stream. The vast majority, then, gets flushed the same way every other water soluable substance does. What you looked up, im 99% sure, is the half life in the brain, not from ingestion. Hence why its a worthless piece of information in this case.
goblando: Actually, I believe you are wrong here as the wikipedia article shows that the dosage can last longer. He didn't get a lethal dose, but the kidneys can only eliminate so much. The wikipedia article specifically states that it can last up to 5.1 hours in plasma. While I agree with the concept that it could get flushed away fast, it would need to be pee'd out by the kidneys and they can only do so much at a time.
[deleted]: Jesus christ. Youre challenging years of study against a wikipedia article. If youre really convinced youre right, congratulations, go start teaching at a university and publish your findings, youre overturning 70 years of medical research and should be lauded as such.
Thank you for reminding me why people who actually know what theyre talking about dont post outside of science threads.
goblando: Alright, instead of acting like a child, explain it with some numbers as well. For example:
1. During digestion not all of it enters the blood stream
2. It is distributed to body water instead of blood and is flushed out by kidneys unprocessed through urine.
Ok, great, I get it, now lets assume that 33% of his dose becomes bio-available. Based on the most recent research (by people who make this their career), LSD half life was calculated as 5 hours (in plasma), not the 3 hours cherry picked by the original commentator. Now, a new chart is needed (amounts of lsd at specific times is still mcg):
Time (HH:MM) | 12mg @ 33% absorbtion | 8mg @ 33% absorbtion | 100mcg @ 100% absorbtion | 20mcg @ 100% absorbtion
---|---|---|---|---
00:00 | 4000.000 | 2666.667 | 100.000 | 20.000
05:00 | 2000.000 | 1333.333 | 50.000 | 10.000
10:00 | 1000.000 | 666.667 | 25.000 | 5.000
15:00 | 500.000 | 333.333 | 12.500 | 2.500
20:00 | 250.000 | 166.667 | 6.250 | 1.250
25:00 | 125.000 | 83.333 | 3.125 | 0.625
30:00 | 62.500 | 41.667 | 1.563 | 0.313
35:00 | 31.250 | 20.833 | 0.781 | 0.156
40:00 | 15.625 | 10.417 | 0.391 | 0.078
45:00 | 7.813 | 5.208 | 0.195 | 0.039
50:00 | 3.906 | 2.604 | 0.098 | 0.020
55:00 | 1.953 | 1.302 | 0.049 | 0.010
60:00 | 0.977 | 0.651 | 0.024 | 0.005
65:00 | 0.488 | 0.326 | 0.012 | 0.002
70:00 | 0.244 | 0.163 | 0.006 | 0.001
75:00 | 0.122 | 0.081 | 0.003 | 0.001
80:00 | 0.061 | 0.041 | 0.002 | 0.000
85:00 | 0.031 | 0.020 | 0.001 | 0.000
Of course, that chart assumes everything is absorbed instantly. **Here is why I think your post is very dangerous**: lets say the human body peak plasma concentration can only ever be 1% of the LSD ingested from any delivery methods (besides intravenously) and the rest is flushed away. Well, here is that chart:
Time (HH:MM) | 12mg @ 1% absorbtion | 8mg @ 1% absorbtion | 100mcg @ 1% absorbtion | 20mcg @ 1% absorbtion
---|---|---|---|---
00:00 | 120.000 | 80.000 | 1.000 | 0.200
05:00 | 60.000 | 40.000 | 0.500 | 0.100
10:00 | 30.000 | 20.000 | 0.250 | 0.050
15:00 | 15.000 | 10.000 | 0.125 | 0.025
20:00 | 7.500 | 5.000 | 0.063 | 0.013
25:00 | 3.750 | 2.500 | 0.031 | 0.006
30:00 | 1.875 | 1.250 | 0.016 | 0.003
35:00 | 0.938 | 0.625 | 0.008 | 0.002
40:00 | 0.469 | 0.313 | 0.004 | 0.001
45:00 | 0.234 | 0.156 | 0.002 | 0.000
50:00 | 0.117 | 0.078 | 0.001 | 0.000
55:00 | 0.059 | 0.039 | 0.000 | 0.000
60:00 | 0.029 | 0.020 | 0.000 | 0.000
65:00 | 0.015 | 0.010 | 0.000 | 0.000
70:00 | 0.007 | 0.005 | 0.000 | 0.000
75:00 | 0.004 | 0.002 | 0.000 | 0.000
80:00 | 0.002 | 0.001 | 0.000 | 0.000
85:00 | 0.001 | 0.001 | 0.000 | 0.000
You seeing the problem yet with your blanket statement that the body will just get rid of the excess? There is a lethal dose to this drug. Your blanket statement implies people need not fear overdosing on LSD because it is water soluble and the body will just get rid of it. It is extremely dangerous. You haven't posted any data or math of any kind supporting your arguments. Sure, the dose to be lethal is stupidly high, and sure most of the drug would be eliminated in 24 hours, but not all of it. And as multiple studies have shown, as long as LSD is present in plasma, it still has an effect on the subject.
OP claims he had a trip for 48 hours. Based on the chart, at 48 hours, he still has the almost the same amount of LSD as if he had only just taken a 20mcg dose recently. If that is enough to make people trip, then he could have been tripping for many days.
Please educate me. I don't have to be right, that is not my thing. I want to be correct, but I would much rather you show me why it isn't possible for LSD to still have an effect on him 24 hours after he took nearly, at minimum, 400 times the usual dose. The only thing that I am guessing I would be missing is that as the dose goes higher the rate of absorption decreases. If that is so, then I haven't read that chapter in my wife's Pharmacokinetics text book yet. Also, given that we don't know the OP's weight, body composition, or metabolism it continues to be hard to be exact about all this.
You probably won't even respond to this, but if you do I look forward to it as I hope it will serve to educate me.
damiendarko: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
| 12 | 168.833333 | |
1406296273 | 1406429048 | t3_2bowbp | t5_2to41 | 37 | misred: TIFU by not locking the door (slightly NSFW?)
This happened yesterday, but I still thought I would share my story. So this week my family is currently moving and my boyfriend offered to help my dad with moving boxes, furniture, etc. on Thursday. My boyfriend came over around noon to help, but thanks to Comcast, we wasted four hours waiting for them to install our new router along with the cable boxes. By the time this was all done it was around five, so my dad called it a day and told us we can just go swimming in the pool if we want. We then got our bathing suites on (me in a bikini and him in his swim trunks), but we wanted to finish the episode of American Horror Story we were watching, so we stayed in my room. We soon started to make out and his hands found their way into my bathing suite bottoms. Thinking the door was locked, I stood up while he was sitting, so my breasts were in his face and he could slip his hand into my bottoms. Then, right as a start moaning my boyfriend's name, my dad walks in. All of our jaws drop. My dad's face is in complete shock.
Dad: What are you guys doing?!!?!?
Me: Nothing...
Dad: *sigh* Both of you, go in the pool and cool down.
My boyfriend and I then quickly shuffled out of there, trying to avoid eye contact. Since then, my father and I haven't said anything to each other.
**TL;DR Dad walked in on me moaning my boyfriend's name while he was fingering me**
beastsquirrel: It's sad that parents react like that. Your dad should be happy that you're happy and enjoying your nature. What the hell are you supposed to do? What were your parents doing that age? Why should this be wrong? He should've said sorry, leave laughing and be happy of you guys loving each other...
Faytus: How does fingering someone have anything to do with love?
beastsquirrel: Bullshit question.
Faytus: Indeed.
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1406303803 | 1406332539 | t3_2bp8kh | t5_2to41 | 20 | BootyDial: TIFU by butt dialing the girl of my dreams....REALLY FU!
Ok, so a bit of back story. I'm a lonely guy. I don't have many friends, I'm not very good looking and I'm a bit overweight. I'm ok with this because, well, I'm used to it. I play a lot of MMOs and have a lot of friends on-line but I'm not very social irl. I haven't had a g/f in about 10 years and my longest relationship in life was a little over 6 months. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will spend the majority of my life alone, but as long as I have my MMOs, I'll be fine. I'm actually surprisingly happy.
With that being said, there are times when I get my...urges. And the normal every day fapping is not enough as I need some human interaction.
*Incoming judgement warning*
To satisfy my urge for human contact and pleasure, I call on the services of certain individuals, let's call them penis mages. Well, these penis mages are very efficient when it comes to servicing their clientele, for a cost. I have a few of them on my...ermmm.. friend's list that I can send a message to when I'm good and ready. This has been going on for about 10 years, since my last g/f. They are pretty nice...mages. Always complimenting me and making me feel special.
So, about a month ago, I met this girl on one of the several dating sites I have, she actually messaged me first. We had a lot in common, but she was GORGEOUS. I mean, a real 10/10. Not someone I could ever see wanting anything from me other than to laugh at! So we're chatting for about a week when she gets the idea of us hanging out for breakfast at IIHOP. At this point, I'm thinking it's a set up. When I get there, there's going to be no one there and someone outside taking pictures of my sad, lonely face to put on the internet. Boy was I wrong!
So I get there, dressed in my best outfit I had. A clean white shirt and some jeans, ironed (not kidding). In she walks, with some short shorts and a tank top. I almost... So anyways, we hit it off. Laughing, great conversation, we spent nearly 3 hours at an IHOP just talking and having a good time. After we're done, we exchange numbers, and I head home. We're texting on and off for the whole day, I can't believe in my head this is happening. That I bagged this extremely beautiful woman!
Well, fast forward 3 weeks. We've had lots of conversations, hung out a few times, and everything is still great. We talk about sex at one point. She says that it takes her a long time before she has sex in a relationship because of issues with her past. I say yeah, that's no big deal and proceed to explain that I haven't had sex in a relationship in almost 10 years. She loves when I share stuff with her, it's amazing.
Ok, so now, here's where I fucked up. I MEAN REALLY FUCKED UP!
So I'm getting lonely physically. I have a problem, I know this is a problem and I thought she would be able to give me a reason to control it. I was doing good for the first few weeks, no urges. And one night, it was like my brain wouldn't shut the fuck up, and kept saying "come on, one more time, JUST ONE MORE". I finally gave in, and texted one of my favorite....mages. Man, she was a high level mage, all the epics, enchants, everything. We decided to meet up, so I hop in my car, text the new squeeze goodnight, and I'm off on my merry little horny guy way.
So I pick her up, and we decide to just make it quick and do the business in the car. I didn't want sex, just relief so I only paid my mage friend for a quick fix. So she's goin at it, and I mean REALLY goin at it, sloppy, loud, everything I like. So we finish, I drop her off at her proper guild, and head on my way home. Well, I check my phone before I go to bed and I have a text from my new friend. I'm all like ":D" she thought of me in the middle of the night and texted me.
This is her text, verbatim:
"i cant believe i thought you would be a nice guy u r a disgusting pervert don't ever text me or call me again u fuckin sick piece of shit!!!!"
....wut...?
Incoming text message, a voice message. I'm thinking, ok, this message is going to be her apologizing for sending me a text she meant to send to someone else, so relieved.
Well guys, BOY WAS I FUCKING WRONG. So apparently, I didn't lock my phone, and my phone does not auto lock because I use a voice chat program on it that is push to talk and don't want it to auto-lock. Well, right when I picked up my chocolate penis mage, I leaned over to open the door. I'm guessing when I leaned back, it must have butt dialed the girl of my dreams. I left her a nice wet sloppy voicemail. It even had a part in it where she asked "you going to give me a tip tonight, right?"
....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU............
I literally cried, not like bawling cry, but tears down my face I just lost something special cry. I didn't even respond, and this happened last night. I don't know what to say, and I don't think I will say anything at all. I am so ashamed and embarrassed, I feel like my world just literally ended. I don't think it's so much that I lost the girl of my dreams, more than someone real now knows of my problem, and if they ever see me in public they will say "That's the guy who got blown by a prostitute and left me a voice mail of the entire event."
And before you say anything about it being real or not, I have an audio clip of the voice mail.
I just want to curl up and die....back to my mage.
TL:DR I called someone I was interested in with my horny ass, and left her a voice mail with me getting a wet sloppy blowjob from a dirty stinking prostitute.
UPDATE: So I sent her a text saying I would really like to talk to her, and just kinda explain myself before she just walked away from me. At first she didn't respond, but I just got a response this morning that said that she would and to call her when I get off work today. So, I'll let you know how it goes.
StileAndProfile: Just explain that you have been using prostitutes for the last 10 years, and you just needed to do it once more while you were waiting for her to finally put out. I'm sure she'll understand.
Latexdictator: Probably not. She might understand if he explains that he knows it's a problem, but I certainly wouldn't forgive that.
[deleted]: I'm not sure, but I think he may have been joking.
| 4 | 5 | |
1406303681 | 1406591480 | t3_2bp8cz | t5_2to41 | 14 | ekclone: TIFU by buying a stolen phone.
Note: This didn't have in the US, nor in any English speaking country
So I just graduated from high school and was looking to buy a smartphone for college, I was looking on a eBay like website for my country and found a LG G2 for 330€ ($445)
I have saved some money from my last graphic design job so I thought what could go wrong? Well everything went wrong
I contacted ShitHead (the seller) and shithead told me its unused and bought in Germany. I've told shithead to meet me at a pub and we talked a bit, he showed me the phone and everything went okay. I gave him the 300€ and he gave me the brand new LG G2. It looked legit as it was unused and no sign of it being used!
____
**Two months later**
I live with my parents, and while I was playing clash of clans on my g2 the bell rings, there they are! The COPS, I'm getting arrested for stealing a phone. I've told them the story but they didn't seem to care, they told me that the phone I was using was stolen on 6th May and they had the IMEI codes but couldn't locate it because It wasn't turned or connected to a sim card. When I put my sim card in the phone they got signal and recorded EVERY Message, Phone Call, Email, Browser history.... EVERYTHING!!
The reason they waited so long to arrest me that they thought I was connected with the wire that stole all the phones from Germany
They told me to call ShitHead (the seller), his phone wasn't turned on. So they took my phone and told me that they will get in touch with me tomorrow
Now here I am, lost 445$, without a phone and maybe I will get arrested and charged for stealing a phone
TL;DR: Bought a stolen phone from shithead and probably gonna get charged for theft
[deleted]: This happened to a friend. Bought a Galaxy off Craigslist for a good deal (not TOO good, just right,) and it ended up not working (no signal or another error like that, but the phone was running fine, it was quick,) farther down the line, took it to Tmobile and found out it was "stolen or the original owner didn't fully pay it."
ekclone: Did he give the phone back?
[deleted]: He wanted to return it but the seller was long gone. Tmobile wouldn't buy it (they said they could have if it wasn't stolen or not paid.) So he lost a couple hundred.
On the bright side, he sent it to a friend in another country who is now using it. But he didn't specify if it actually works for calling or if his friend is only using the apps that came with it, the internet, etc
ekclone: could have fixed it by installing a rom, but my phone the police took it and I now lost 445$
[deleted]: I didn't believe you but I looked it up and yeah, you're right. And sorry to hear you lost so much :/ My friend only got it for like $300
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1406304279 | 1406314775 | t3_2bp9fp | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by hiding my porn too much
Lauranis: This program:
http://www.steffengerlach.de/freeware/
Might be able to help you find the folder, it displays the contents of the drive in a sunburst chart.
Lauranis: also go to the drive you think you saved it, go to folder options and check "show hidden folders" or similar and apply changes to folder and subfolders
[deleted]: Yeah I could see hidden files but this one just dissapeared.
Finally I fixed it by opening it from the terminal
| 4 | 1 | |
1406304688 | 1406318551 | t3_2bpa5i | t5_2to41 | 786 | Throwaway52101: TIFU by jacking off in my hotel room
So for a little bit of backstory: I'm on vacation with my family and we are staying In this shitty hotel where the room is the size of a hallway then curves around a corner to the 3 beds lined up tightly packed against the walls, so there is no warning when someone may come in, and the walls are literally so thick you can't hear anything around you.
So there I am just minding my own business and using the hotels complimentary wifi, because my family had decided to go shopping for the day and I stayed at the hotel because being the only male on this vacation, following them to these stores and watching them try on clothes is very tiresome and literally make me want to rip my hair out. So I'm browsing the web and think.... "Hey, Throwaway52101. Why not just have a quickie? I mean you're alone in this room all day, so why not just bust joe to calm the old nerves?" First bad mistake. So I'm browsing the web for a suitable video until I come upon one where this amazing blonde is riding on top and I decide to just pull my dick out, because I mean nobody is there so who cares? Well as I am getting into the zone, and my headphones are blasting this girls moaning, I hear my door open and the room service women talking as they come in. They round the corner just as I notice, and I pull my pants up faster than you would believe, and she runs back around the corner for me to collect myself. She then comes back around and says that she's here to clean, so I take my walk of shame downstairs in the hotel and I am writing this as I sit in the lobby waiting about 15 minutes or so to go back upstairs. My face is as red as a fucking tomato right now, but now I feel that every staff member in the hotel is looking at me funny (mind there's only like 5 people who work there bc this hotels tiny). So I come here because I have no other place to which i could share my story with people who may or may not understand. So there it is reddit. I FUCKED UP.
Tl;dr: jacked off in hotel, didn't hear room service come into my room, took walk of shame to lobby
datonedudecuz: Next time, just make eye contact with her and continue jerking. She won't know whether to be appalled or amazed.
ShawnBootygod: Did this with my mom once
SlightlyLargePotato: and...?
ShawnBootygod: My moms no longer an issue.
SlightlyLargePotato: ಠ_ಠ
ShawnBootygod: We're dating now
JTbeet: ( ಠ ͜ʖ ಠ )
ShawnBootygod: My mistake, we're married with child
iamthejed: Plot twist, you're that child. :O
ShawnBootygod: I'm the father of my mothers child. Has science gone too far?
iamthejed: OT hasn't gone far enough. We must go deeper.
Enhance!
ShawnBootygod: I'm the great grandfather of my mothers grand kids?
iamthejed: Yeah. That.
ShawnBootygod: Science has reached it's peak.
| 15 | 52.4 | |
1406307310 | 1406332153 | t3_2bpeuj | t5_2to41 | 5,738 | rushone: TIFU having sex with a guy I really like
So today I finally had sex with this guy I really really like for the first time. It was so spontaneous and in the heat of the moment that we didn't use protection and neither of us cared because we were so into it. So he was really deep and said he was about to finish. At this point my legs are as high in the air and far apart as they would go. As he was in the process of finishing, for some unknown reason I blurted out, 'I can feel myself getting pregnant!' He immediately pulled his pants up, looking like he'd seen a ghost and took off. Needless to say he's not answering my calls or messages.
Edit: reading a lot of comments I realised I messed up the title. Sorry.
Edit 2: AMA on this subject has been deleted for obvious reasons.
HaveYouPaidYourDues: That sounds like something straight out of poorly translated hentai...
Szechwan: It also sounds like something that didn't happen. Lazy attempt OP.
This a dude fo sho.
Drim498: Unless you know for a fact/can disprove the story, I find the internet to be a much more fun place if you assume all the stories you read are true.
derpydoodaa: I made love to your mother yesterday. True story.
Is this still fun?
Drim498: I know for a fact it's not true. And I can prove it with one simple question: what city were you in when you did it?
senor_funtime: I should've said gap, PA.
Drim498: But I'll give you an upvote for taking the time to look through my history and figuring out what city I work in...
senor_funtime: Lol wasnt hard.
Drim498: I didn't say hard, I said time. I got bored after about 3 minutes of trying to find where I last mentioned any city/town name...
senor_funtime: It's on your Twitter Mr cornett
Drim498: where is my twitter posted? I don't remember posting that...
senor_funtime: Lol it actually only took about 2 mins. Look at your posts. Last post is a blog. Linked to your Twitter. Lawyered.
Drim498: yeah, this is why I keep nothing embarrassing attached to this account... I'm not surprised you found anything, I was more impressed.
You should have just gone with that you spent a bunch of time looking through my comments, I am much less impressed now... lol
senor_funtime: Lol I aim to unimpress.
| 15 | 382.533333 | |
1406309369 | 1406351835 | t3_2bpilb | t5_2to41 | 68 | birthdayboy6969: TIFU by using mapquest; possible NSFW
Not today, but many years ago. Home for Thanksgiving from my first year at college, and one of my roommates was visiting with me. Now for a little bit of context, I have been a pretty token "nerd" for most of my life (thick glasses, lots of xbox, etc) and only really got a girlfriend and started drinking right at the end of high school. I was able to keep most this from my parents, who are *VERY* conservative and, in the case of my father, prone to fits of rage.
Back to Thanksgiving: I have been gaining social momentum steadily since the end of high school, and I am looking to show my roomie a college-guy good time. So my parents leave for work, my little brother is at high school, coast is clear, i mapquest the strib club a few towns over, print them directions out, throw on my sweatpants, grab a fat stack of ones, grab my bud and head out the door.
Neither of us are old enough to drink, but we're enjoying the show. I've always had a good amount of money, so I got paid for a couple of friction dances for each of us. This is my first time in with such an experience, and I never got a ton of love from the ladies, so I'm really enjoying myself. Im absolutely throbbing, hard enough to deflower a sidewalk. I'm pretty anxious at first, but after a few minutes i start to settle in and relax, and I'm really enjoying myself.
And then, the next thing i know, i feel a strong tug on my ear and hear my father yelling "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THIS etc" and I'm being dragged out, sweatpants displaying my raging hardon to anyone who cares to look. The woman giving me the dance briefly makes eye contact with me, takes pity, and for whatever reason runs outside and hands me a novelty souvenir glass the place sells (to remember the experience by, i guess). After i printed out the mapquest directions, I had decided they were pretty simple (place was just off the highway) and had left them on the coffee table for my father to find when he got home from work.
TL;DR: Left mapquest directions to stripclub on the coffee table, pulled out by my ear with a huge woody in front of my college roommate, a woman who dances naked for a living took pity on me.
dinserdinser: I'm surprised you used mapquest in the first place. I switched to google maps years ago and haven't returned.
[deleted]: Google Maps is the best!
StYuriOfKhmylev: True that!
[deleted]: Double true!
Javelin3o4: 68th and Broadway...
[deleted]: STEP ON IT SUCKKA!
NotACompleteDumbass: Whatchu wanna do Chris?
BananaHands007: SNACK ATTACK MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAAA
| 9 | 7.555556 | |
1406312018 | 1406332033 | t3_2bpnek | t5_2to41 | 257 | [deleted]: TIFU by scaring my husband and ending up in the hospital.
I want to preface this with saying I'm currently laying in a hospital bed, doped out of my mind on painkillers so if this story makes no sense I sincerely apologize, I'll come back later to make edits.
So about a week ago my husband and I moved in to our dream home. The house is absolutely turn key but we decided before we get too settled that we should paint the master bedroom a neutral color (it was a icky sea foam green) and rip out the carpet in the master to have it flush with the hardwood in the rest of the house.
A couple of days ago we finished painting the walls. I was feeling accomplished confident and deviant, so I decided to enlist my BFF to help me with my life long goal of
spooking my husband.
Up until this point I've pulled all the usual stunts. I've jumped out of closets and screamed, I've stood behind doors and I've even tried the tosh.o mannequin head in the bed trick. But alas, he's never even flinched.
So anyway, this is where my BFF comes in. She just happens to have a few gallons of fake blood left over from last Halloween we've joked for a long time about covering me in the fake blood and adding some special effects to make me look like a scary zombie to scare him. The only thing stopping up in the past is how damn messy the whole stunt would be. But since we were going to rip up our carpet any way, what the hell? The timing was perfect it was ON.
So at 4:00 this morning I jumped off the mattress, (the only piece of furniture in the room) I snuck out of the room to let my friend in. We hurriedly get me dressed and lay down a vinyl party tablecloth on the floor just outside the bedroom. With the standing in the center on the table cloth she slowly drenches me with the fake blood.
I opened the bedroom door walked in the room and let out a scream and started running toward him. He looked genuinely terrified. I had done it but before I could laugh and celebrate my victory my husband had picked up a 30 pound barbell laying beside him and threw it at my like a GODDAMN JAVELIN. From there everything moved in slow motion. He realized it was me the moment the barbell left his hand. But it was too late. It hit me in my right shoulder. I would learn an hour that it had broken my collar bone in two places. I fell back on my freshly painted wall and the barbell landed on my foot, breaking an additional three bones.
Being a girly girl I immediately break out in tears. My husband scoops me up and take me to the hospital. I'm still covered in fake blood (and now so are the leather seats in my car.)
We haven't really spoken about what happened early this morning but he is sorry for breaking my freaking body but it never would have happened had I not formed such an elaborate plan to scare him. So I guess this is an impasse.
To only make matters worse my husband also works at this hospital so I'm sure I'll forever have the reputation of being Dr. **** crazy wife. Lovely.
**tl;dr**
I have several broken bones because I scared my husband and he unleashed his crazy gorilla like strength and threw a barbell. But I won't be expected to help move anymore furniture into the house, so I've got that going for me. Which is nice.
EDIT: I removed the line about setting up a video camera. I do not have intention to share a video so I don't know why I even included that line in the original story. Sorry reddit.
HopelessSemantic: This tale has scared me out of actually trying to scare my husband. He scares me all the time, but he is impossible. He also has crazy gorilla-like strength and weaponry, so, uh, maybe I won't try.
[deleted]: I've seen people get decked in the face from shit like that. Your husband's gorilla strength will likely do its worst on your face.
HopelessSemantic: Yeeeah, I don't think I should try to scare him.
[deleted]: Be sure to stay out of the DANGER ZONE
HopelessSemantic: LANA! Lana! Lana! Lana! LANA! LANA!
[deleted]: Alligators, Crocodiles, and brain aneurisms.
| 7 | 36.714286 | |
1406312554 | 1406325963 | t3_2bpodi | t5_2to41 | 26 | Tzilung: TIFU by not hugging my father enough. [Slight NSFW]
So actually this happened about 4 years ago.
I was still living with my parents and my room is on the same ground level as the living room and beside the washroom. TV was on too loud but at the same time I was a bit too lazy to go outside and tell them to turn it down.
I decided to masturbate to get tired and sleep. I did my thing and didn't really clean up. Actually I cleaned nothing at all. Everything under my blanket was wet but I was so tired I thought that I would just wash it all in the morning anyways.
Pretty much seconds after that my dad does the knock and open the door thing. He walks over while talking and says "Hey! You know I haven't hugged you in a while." My mind races as he said those words and he does exactly what the worst case scenario would be. He climbs into my bed and all I could do was kind of whimper and mutter "uhh."
He actually hugs me for quite a while until he notices his arm is wet. For some reason he SLOWLY gets out of my bed while looking at his arm. He's totally silent now. He smells his arm, yells out "Auuughhh!" Then he brushes against his shirt with his other hand like hes looking for something in pockets and I only assume that he finds something because he yells out another louder "AUUUGGHHH!"
He leaves and I hear the tap running shortly.
Unsurprisingly, after that incident no one in the house does the "Knock and barge into the room" action.
TLDR: Got my dad's arm wet because he barged into my room and distracted me too much for me to do anything.
MennyC123: What is your gender OP?
Tzilung: Male. Being a female would have been less messy I imagine.
dancingmrt: Apparently you haven't dated a squirter.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1406313516 | 1406345910 | t3_2bpq5g | t5_2to41 | 283 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking my phone
I still don't know how to feel about what just happened. I'm not too phased about it yet but I'm sure the embarrassment will set in soon enough.
So I had gotten home from my bike ride and I am very sweaty at this point so take off my clothes and walk around naked for a while (I live on my own in one of the apartments in a triplex my dad owns so it's something I tend to do often)
I sprawl out on the couch, fan pointed at me full blast, radio on. My phone vibrates. It's my boyfriend just confirming that he will be coming over soon, asking how my day was and other pleasantries. Our conversation eventuslly turns to what he's going to do to me later and that he can't wait to (insert verb here) my (insert body part here) etc. I'm getting pretty worked up and start touching myself. He continues to text me some really dirty shite and now as I'm really getting into it I'm ignoring my phone as it's vibrating away on the table every minute or so and just concentrating on reaching that lovely orgasm. I'm nearly there when I hear a manly "Hulloo?" and open my eyes to see a man appear in the archway of my livingroom. His blank expression turned to complete dumbfoundedness as he caught sight of me there on the couch in my compromising position. I recognized him right away as one of my dad's friends whom I've known since I was in elementary school.
My heart felt dead in my chest and I swear my entire body went red. I quickly tore the throwblanket from the back of my couch and covered myself. But he'd already gone. Just turned right around without saying a word and left. I lied there still for what felt like forever just recapping the situation over and over. When I got over the initial shock I decided I just had to tell Joe about it. I pick up my phone to see a message from my dad telling me that his plumber friend was on his way over to fix the tub.
From this day on I will always check my phone. After typing this all out I no longer feel unphased but feel mortified and sick to my stomach. My boyfriend thinks it's hilarious though. At least he's entertained.
TIFU by not checking my phone while masturbating, not seeing that it was my dad giving me a heads up that a plumber was on his way and getting walked in on by said plumber who is also my dad's friend whom I know personally. Eff this day.
EDIT: I'm noticing people wondering why this man just walked in. I'm sure he must have knocked but I didn't hear him. I usually don't hear the door when my fan is on high as it's one of those huge clangy window fans but I like to set it on my table as close to me as possible. My door WAS locked, but my dad must have given him his spare key to my apartment in case I wasnt home since I'm usually at work this time of day but had the day off.
[deleted]: I guess I just don't understand people masturbating in "public" areas of the house or in their rooms with the door unlocked, even if they are 100% alone at home. Maybe I'm too paranoid?
orangekitti: If I can't be naked in my own house, what's the point of living without roommates? Except for my boyfriend, but I don't think he minds.
[deleted]: You read the story, right?
orangekitti: yes.....typically people don't just barge into my apartment unannounced. Hence why feeling too uncomfortable to be naked in my own home WOULD feel paranoid.
[deleted]: I look forward to reading your story soon.
orangekitti: I shall write it with pride. And maybe some shame.
| 7 | 40.428571 | |
1406313410 | 1406362451 | t3_2bppyu | t5_2to41 | 17 | Clop_Yiff_Repeat: TIFU by listening to Tyga at the dentist
Earlier today, I was going to the dentist to get a routine cleaning as usual. I'm usdd to the long waiting time, so I decided to bring my headphones along for the time to blow.
I go in and check in with the amazingly nice receptionist, then take my seat. I look around on my phone and find an older song I rather anjoy that has a bass boost, so I turn it up. The track just so happemed to be "Tyga: Bouncin on my Dick" I start listening for a while, and I turn up the volume quite a bit to feel the bass. Note that I have Sol Republic Master Tracks, which have a bit of sound leakage. The song nears the end and I look around. The reception lady and an old dude, as well as 4 other people are looking at me. Never been that embarassed in my life.
At least Im cavity free.
rupturedprostate: anjoy
Clop_Yiff_Repeat: anjoy?
gearofwar4266: Anyong.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1406312197 | 1406647636 | t3_2bpnpp | t5_2to41 | 7 | majye12: TIFU by drawing in class
Last year at school, I was a doodler… we'll, a very deep doodler. And I was always drawing those dark things like people hanging, blood dripping letters and so much more stuffs. The thing tho is that's once my school has a majority of mainstream yolos, if you are a little off, then you straight up get labeled so I normally do my drawings all secretly on the back end of the class. So, once I was drawing that very deep and dark drawing of someone cutting it's wrist, the scar being a closed eye bleeding. I decided to rush it up even if I wasn't that close to being hidden from viewers. Too bad, someone saw my drawing. The next conversation was then the starting of a fuckup for the rest of the year
-what's that?
-a drawing
-so you are an emo?
-ye… no… well why?
-so you slit your wrist at night?
-no… -_-
And then begins the exiting half a year of being called Chris Angel because of my haircut and because of a simple drawing. Not only did to not help but it was kind of false of saying I didn't. The only thing that brought up were more scars… but happily (i guess), I stop recently.
To those curious out there, here's the drawing: [bam](http://imgur.com/o0vzJpb) (nsfw, I guess)
PIRATEghost85: You have the same haircut as Chris Angel?
Theres your problem...
Also, dont fuckin sweat it! (The Drawing, sweat the haircut definately) High School is nothing, a quick blip of your life that means jack shit. Take some art classes, follow your passion, dont let those "YOLO's" make you feel like shit. They suck, you dont.
You only get out of life what you put into it. - Col. Sanders
majye12: no i dont and that's the thing that bit me, im not even sure they know him
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406315719 | 1406341071 | t3_2bpu74 | t5_2to41 | 109 | GregShift: Tifu by accidentally eating my own poop.
So I got bored while in the middle of watching Wayne's World (Great movie by the way) so I decided to make some chocolate chip cookies, well once I had finished making the cookies I had a strong urge to use the bathroom. Once I had finished the initial pooping I commenced the wiping of the butt. When I pulled my hand back up I saw a chunk of dark brown substance on my finger, I made the automatic assumption that it was melted chocolate and stuck my finger in my mouth to lick it off. Well, turns out that it wasn't chocolate, that in fact it was actually poop. I immediately began gagging and eventually threw up. I can't get sick because of this, can I?
Jimmyjim12: You need to work on your wiping skills, buddy
GregShift: It was the end of the roll. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
6romperstomper9: Do you scrunch OP, or do you fold?
GregShift: Fold, what do you think I'm some kind of savage? Well, I actually did literally eat my own shit.
The_Game_Geek: Really? I thought scrunching it was universal.
Explodeyman: Get out.
| 7 | 15.571429 | |
1406314599 | 1406316427 | t3_2bps6n | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally insulting my Spanish teacher's lifestyle
Voyager5555: "proud carnivores"
No, you're not.
shadowposter: You're an omnivore mfs
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406318455 | 1406320417 | t3_2bpz4x | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by possibly getting fired for many different reasons.
A few weeks ago, my supervisor (who I happen to be head over heels for) invites me on a three day vacation to an abandoned beach house with her and two mutual friends. Aww yiss. We plan the trip, and headed out Monday night after work.
The trip was amazing. We swam in lake Michigan, we got drunk, and her and I ended up cuddling in a hot tub. All was going well, until our last night.
Enter Thursday night. Her and I are cuddling on the mattress that all four of us have been sharing. We're both smashed, and I'm feeling gutsy. I begin to nibble on her ear, to which she pushes into me a little harder. We begin holding hands and rubbing our feet together, all while our two friends are slowly passing out. She gets up, and motions me into the other bedroom, where there is an air mattress. I follow her in, and things heat up. It started out pretty innocent, until she grabbed my *ahem* member.
It was everything I had ever dreamed of, we undress, we get down and dirty, and then it happens: I tell her to slow down, to which she just moans and pulls me closer. I try to pull away, but her nails dig into my back. I start to get frantic. "I'm not wearing a condom, slow down." She ignores me, and keeps going. I try to pull away, but she holds me as tightly as she can, and I, you know, release. She moans, throws me onto the floor, and keeps going. After about five minutes of her being on top, she begins to cry. TO CRY.
I freak out. I ask her what's wrong, and she just sobs harder, and calls me by her ex boyfriend's name. I am stunned. I slowly stutter "Uhm, it's Dresden127, not him..." and she collapses onto my chest and begs me to hold her. We fall asleep like this.
The next morning, she acts like nothing happened. We go about packing, and head out. I'm silent for the 4 hour car ride. When it's finally just us alone in the car, she apologizes. "I'm sorry about last night. It shouldn't have happened. I know how much you care about me, but I'm just so sick of guys falling in love with me. It's annoying." That's it. That's all she says.
I'm heartbroken. I can't eat, I can't sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. HOWEVER. During one of those ten minute intervals of sleep last night, I rolled over onto my glasses, and cracked both lenses in half. I work in a safety position, and if I can't see, I get fired. I get into work today, and she's not talking to me. I talk to the main supervisor about my glasses, and she is allowing me today to get new ones. The only problem is, I'm broke for two more weeks. The vacation drained my funds.
TL;DR Possibly impregnated my supervisor, broke my glasses, got my heart broken, and might get fired.
Edit: Fucked up my days.
UPDATE: Apparently, she is not on birth control.
JesseLaces: A cowboy left on Friday, was gone for four days, and came back to town on Friday. How? OP: three day trip, left Monday night, last night was Sunday. At least my question has an answer.
˙ʎɐpıɹɟ pǝɯɐu sı ǝsɹoɥ sıɥ
[deleted]: Whoooops. Thanks for catching that. I'm kind of out of it right now.
| 3 | 5 | |
1406317179 | 1406319332 | t3_2bpwu2 | t5_2to41 | 16 | MyfaveisCEO: TIFU by having my phone on speaker
I was in my office with my boss when my co-worker called my cellphone and I answer didnt realize my phone was on speaker co-worker yelled "Is the love of your life still there with you?" And thats how I turned super red and my boss found out I am in love with him :/
datonedudecuz: And now you're married and have 7 children
MyfaveisCEO: Nope, but is it weird if thats what I want?
MyfaveisCEO: he is married
| 4 | 4 | |
1406319918 | 1406325068 | t3_2bq1nk | t5_2to41 | 28 | CandyKillshot: TIFU and ended up ass naked in fron of my bestfriend and her s/o
This was actually in January. I was having sex with my (now ex) in his bedroom and my best friend and her s/o were in the room next to us. We kind of kicked them out to do the deed and it was about 5am so we figured they had already fallen asleep. But I guess my bestfriend had to drive her s/o home because in the middle of us having sex they walked in and just looked at us with their eyes about to pop out of their sockets. My s/o was so scared that he jumped a little and ended up falling to the floor and he took the blanket with him and I was left on the bed naked. They ran out of the room saying "fuckfuckfuck!!"
NothingThatIs: Sounds more like an opportunity than anything...
bumpusmcgee: when in Rome
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1406320968 | 1406333783 | t3_2bq3k7 | t5_2to41 | 18 | Blatant-Ballsack: TIFU by swallowing cocaine
The recent post about a girl eating a load of LSD reminded me of something that happened to me a couple weeks ago, but on a smaller scale.
I was taking summer classes at my uni this year and I have a routine that I do for big tests. I have a friend of mine who has a prescription for 60mg vyvanse and he lets me have some from time to time, so whenever I have a big test, I take one at roughly 11pm the night before the test, and study all night to help everything stick. Well as per usual I took my pill and began studying, like clock work 4 am rolls around and I get a head ache. This happens every time so I keep goodys powder on hand.
So I walked into my medicine cabinet to check my box of headache powder but alas, none are left. I rummage through the cabinet and find one packet left tucked in the back, that looked like it had already been opened and the powder looked a little bit different than it normally does. Not thinking clearly I slam the packet down, content that my headache would finally subside within a few minutes, and it did, but that isn't all that happened. I noticed my throat go numb as soon as I swallowed, stunned, I thought back to what that could possibly mean. I remembered some friends from out of town coming to visit when I threw a party a couple months ago, and I knew they had brought cocaine with them and were doing it in my bathroom. As it turns out, one of them had thought of cutting it with goodies so they could sell it to people in town and make a profit, except they got so drunk and cranked they forgot and left it behind.
So there I sit, a very infrequent pill taker on an empty stomach with 60 mg's of add medicine and god knows how much cocaine inside me with a test in 3 and a half hours. My heart felt like it was going to explode as I stood there with my finger on my wrist for 20 minutes just feeling my pulse hoping I didn't have to go to the hospital. Luckily I felt the drug peak before I got too out of hand and was able to somewhat keep things together, still, I managed to turn an average study night into a panic induced fiasco that almost cost me a good grade. I don't know if you have ever tried to study on blow, but you just kinda read the same thing over and over again, not very efficient stuff. It is safe to say I will be a bit more cautious with my pain killers from now on.
HollowPointBullet: How'd it taste?
Blatant-Ballsack: Like cocaine
HollowPointBullet: And how does it taste?
Blatant-Ballsack: Hard to explain really. But the goodies in it had a stronger taste itself and kinda drowned it out.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1406316855 | 1406322061 | t3_2bpw9x | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by listening to Evanescence on my lunch break
Skunkman-funk: Best TIFU ever.
There really is just too much that time cannot erase.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Exactly my thoughts.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406314346 | 1406343565 | t3_2bprpv | t5_2to41 | 8 | vaevictis21: TIFU by- Hitting a newbie friend at gym during my elliptical training.
This happened yesterday but I still feel bad about it.
There was a new guy who had just joined the gym and since he was the same age group as mine(I'm 21) we started to have a general conversation about what he was currently doing and we just happened to live in the same neighborhood so we became friends instantly.
I had my elliptical training that day and I was picking up some speed on it too. My friend entered a bit later and I gave him the 'Hey' smile. This guy also has a habit of checking his phone regularly and since he just joined gym for the first time he didn't know around the place quiet well. After changing into gym shoes he comes out the changing room still looking into his mobile. After that every thing was 'changing'.
He walks casually and then just comes towards me where I'm doing the elliptical machine with some speed and this machine has two long vertical bars to hold on too. You can Google it to find out. Then this guy just comes in front of my machine and BAM! My left hand combined with the power of the vertical bar straight into his face. Everything is going in slow motion for me (and for him too I guess) and this guy just goes whirling into the entrance door of the lobby where someone at that time was opening the door and he reflects back from the push of the door straight to the ground.
I'm just thinking about what had just happened. Did I do something? Is he unconscious? All thoughts are rushing into my brain and the trainers just rush to him. Seeing the guy, I could just see one type of a picture coming to my mind. Like a baby shitting in his pants and looking at you without having a clue of what had just happened. He had red spots on his forehead and some bruises too. Made him drink some water and checking if blood was oozing out from anywhere but it was ok.
Some relaxing minutes later he says he just lost his balance when I hit him but got hurt by the door that collided with him. Last but not the least, his iPhone is intact. Yeah, we're still friends.
TL;DR: Hit a newbie friend at the gym.
vallexum: His own fault. You're still friends. Chin up :)
vaevictis21: Thanks!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406321709 | 1406444764 | t3_2bq4ud | t5_2to41 | 47 | superhum: TIFU by leaving my vibrator out
I've had a horny past couple days. I live alone for the summer in my parent's home (they're on vacation) and don't have a boyfriend at the moment so it was just me, myself, and my vibrator. Last night after doing the deed I cleaned my vib and left it on the bathroom counter to dry, totally forgetting about it. Oops. Big mistake.
I just came home from work and ran into the cleaning lady my parents had hired as she was leaving. We exchanged pleasantries and she left rather quickly. I thought it was weird until I walk into my bathroom as few minutes ago and saw my vibrator sitting on top of my makeup. Holy shit. She obviously saw it and moved it. Fuck. Now I'm nervous she'll tell my parents or never come back or something. Ughhhhh.
booty_smack: Eh...no big deal. Your mom probably has her own vibrator stashed somewhere.
all-boxed-up: or the cleaning lady swapped your vibrator with your mom's vibrator.
6romperstomper9: More like the cleaning lady had alone time with OP's vibrator.
myepicdemise: But then OP came back while the cleaning lady was having the time of her life, so she quickly put the vibrator back without washing it. OP, you should smell it to make sure that it's your stank.
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1406322172 | 1406377484 | t3_2bq5mq | t5_2to41 | 74 | Putitclose: Tifu and now I may lose my home.
I've really messed up my life. For fourteen years I was a great father and husband. Then I went to the Dr. for help losing weight. I started taking phentermine. I was hooked instantly. I became someone I didn't know. I started getting as many pills as I could and avoided my family as much as possible. I wasted a lot of money and I even struck up an inappropriate relationship with another woman (no sex). I finally told my wife about everything and even though we went thro
gh hell we made it and are doing much better. My wife was not working and I figured I could make back all the money I wasted by taking on extra work. Well I took on the extra work and the guy I was working for never paid me. I have my regular income but that has been enough to keep the lights on and feed my family. My wife went back to work as well and we are trying to get our lives back in order but today I got a letter stating our house was being foreclosed on. I don't know how we are going to come up with the money. I was messed up for less than a year and went from being middle-class to possibly homeless. Yet as bad as it is I am blessed to still have the ones I love and that I will never fuck up again.
john365: Sue the bastard who didn't pay you
Putitclose: I would if I could afford it. Right now I just have to focus on saving my home. He's not going to pay anytime soon. He claims he didn't get paid and he can't pay me because he has to try to get paid himself. From what I've learned he has a gambling problem and has done this to people before.
disrespectfulcyclist: Maybe a small claims court case would work. It should be inexpensive.
Putitclose: I will file in small claims court but that's going to take months to resolve and even then he will just have to pay it out over time.
whyworrynow: Stop making excuses. Small claims cases are often scheduled thirty to sixty days from the filing date. And while the judge may be okay with a payment plan, that isn't necessarily a given.
Putitclose: I'm not making excuses. I've talked to the DA. He's the one who told me the information. Yes if I had that money I could save everything. But that isn't going to happen right now so now I have to figure out another way. I believe I've been very honest. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just wanted to get it off my chest. It's not like this is a conversation you have with your friends. I'm doing everything I can to dig myself out of a hole that I created.
| 7 | 10.571429 | |
1406322873 | 1406390926 | t3_2bq6up | t5_2to41 | 932 | accountnameandstuff: TIFU by fingering a cat.
So, like most posts on here, this actually happened a few weeks ago when I went out of state to visit my cousins. I always have a lot of fun when I visit and I was especially excited to go see them because they recently added a cat to the family. Now, I have very little experience with cats. I think they're cute and soft but I've never really been around one for an extended period of time.
So I was going to stay at my cousins house for about a week. My first impression of the cat: He is fucking awesome. This cat is barely a year old and he is like a fucking ninja. I've never experienced first hand how amazing it is to watch a cat pounce up on high counters and jump from things with such ease. This cat and I bonded.
He would sleep with me at night and randomly run to me so I could pet him or hold him. I've never grown to love something so fast. Then, the event happened.
I was standing around the kitchen just hanging out with family. Then my favorite cat came strolling around the corner and stood by my feet. He looked like he wanted in my arms so I looked at him and he allowed me to graciously pick him up. Except this time something went wrong. As I went to move him up my chest a little, I reached my hand by his butt to help support him. I didn't realize his tail was up... As I pushed him up my body I accidentally shoved my finger up this poor innocent cats asshole.
The look on his face was a mixture of confusion, anger, and betrayal. He immediately jumped out of my arms and ran up the stairs. Our bond was broken. This cat quickly grew a strong hatred for me and proceeded to scratch me and bite me whenever I was near it until the day I left. My family asked why the cat was acting weird with me but I was way too ashamed to tell them that I fingered him.
tl;dr I broke a very special bond I had with my cousins cat by accidentally shoving my finger in his butthole.
jojotoughasnails: This is probably incredibly fake.
I'm a vet tech and unless your fingers are lubed up thermometers (and even then it's a struggle), your normal size people couldn't just "accidentally" get shoved into the cat's asshole.
accountnameandstuff: Well have you ever moved a tiny female finger with force into the asshole of a cat?
The force of course being me slightly dropping him while re adjusting and then pushing his body back up with my hand (and I suppose finger).
jojotoughasnails: I have tiny baby hands. Unless it was your pinky finger (and even them I'm doubting it)...you're full of shit.
accountnameandstuff: Well I won't lie. I don't remember for sure which finger it was. It might have been my pinky. It was either that or my ring finger. Are you a dude with tiny baby hands or a girl with tiny baby hands?
jojotoughasnails: I'm a girl. And I know enough that if you managed to shove any finger into a cat's ass they wouldn't just scurry along in fear. There would be battle scars.
accountnameandstuff: Well, Mrs. Female Vet. I think you are being a cunt.
Have you stuck your finger in every cats asshole? Are you the master of cats assholes?
I already know you have not been in my exact situation because your co workers would probably think you had a fetish for cat butthole.
jojotoughasnails: I'm a vet tech, not a vet.
I'm just calling you on your bullshit. You're getting mad. Probably because you know you're wrong.
I've literally never stuck my finger in a cat's asshole because it's difficult and dangerous for your life. In fact, when expressing a cat's anal glands you do it externally rather than internally.
Sorry you suck.
accountnameandstuff: I'm actually not mad. I just wanted to call you a cunt.
jojotoughasnails: Am I supposed to be offended by some bullshitting liar on the internet calling me a name?
accountnameandstuff: I wasn't trying to offend you. I just wanted to call you a cunt because you are being a cunt. I also am not bullshitting you.
jojotoughasnails: I give zero fucks.
/r/quityourbulshit
accountnameandstuff: If you gave zero fucks then why did you comment?
jojotoughasnails: I give zero fucks what you think of me.
I think people should know you're full of shit.
accountnameandstuff: Ohhh okay. Well then please continue to tell everyone else on this thread that I'm full of shit. Even though I'm not.
jojotoughasnails: I'd like the proof.
But this is just another retarded made up internet story that'll appear on Facebook tomorrow.
accountnameandstuff: How would I provide you with proof?
jojotoughasnails: You have zero credibility so it doesn't matter. You're just a new Redditor troll out whoring for karma with whatever your imagination cooks up.
accountnameandstuff: Actually not a new Redditor troll. I've been a regular Redditor for years. I just decided to make a new account to use for this because my first name was in my other account and my cousins go on Reddit.
jojotoughasnails: [Yea](http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Jennifer-Lawrence-ok-thumbs-up.gif)
accountnameandstuff: Oooo send more. Jennifer Lawrence is hot.
WHY_YOU_NO_BEEP_BOOP: I will bring OP back from the negatives with her gun-slinging use of the word cunt... Stay Gold OP.
accountnameandstuff: BEEP BOOP!
WHY_YOU_NO_BEEP_BOOP: said the finger to the cat asshole...
| 24 | 38.833333 | |
1406322139 | 1406347335 | t3_2bq5ki | t5_2to41 | 15 | ocarina_vendor: TIFU by writing a message on my whiteboard at about people who are easily offended... which offended one such person.
While in High School, I was told "you're a fool for taking offense where none was intended, and a greater fool for taking offense where it *was* intended." It stuck with me.
Fast forward to my adulthood, where I find my self working in a Dilbert-esque nightmare-cube-scape of Politically Correct Office Zombies and Bill Lumberg Wannabes. I decided today to start putting up a message on my whiteboard to start meaningful conversations with my coworkers. No more of this "Somebody has a case of the Mondays" or "TGIF, knowhatimean?" bullshit. I wanted to have meaningful discussions, or none at all.
So, I put this message up on my whiteboard: [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/jIYI4ZR)
>**He who takes offense when no offense was intended is a fool.**
>**He who takes offense when offense was intended is a greater fool.**
>**And she who takes offense at the use of masculine pronouns in the first two lines probably makes daily posts to her tumblr blog about "fighting the patriarchy."**
And, as it turns out, my boss' boss actually has a very feminist-leaning tumblr blog, similar to what I described in my whiteboard message. (Who knew? Not me, that's for damn sure...)
Consequently, I just got out of a meeting with her, and an HR rep, and have had to sign a disciplinary notice stating that I recognize that this type of humor is inflammatory, and unwelcome under corporate anti-discrimination guidelines. My boss' boss (call her Kathleen, because she looks like Kathleen Turner from *Romancing the Stone* - that hulking she-beast) told me I would have been fired outright, but for the fact that I've had an exemplary record the entire time I've worked here.
I also lost my whiteboard privileges. Kathleen told me something about needing to check my privilege...
Edit: **work** I fucked up by writing this on my whiteboard at *work*... Anyway:
Aladeen-or-Aladeen: Freedom of speech?
Anyway just pm me your address and I'll key her car or something.
You're a good guy OP, and a funny cunt too.
MadlockFreak: Wouldn't it be better to have her address?
TheRedditNub: Op nearly lost their job, now somebody wants to key Op's car?
MadlockFreak: Which is why I asked if Aladeen wanted to know the Op's boss' boss's address. Partly because I am pretty sure the Big Boss doesn't live with OP.
| 5 | 3 | |
1406324202 | 1406332315 | t3_2bq8zm | t5_2to41 | 4 | Fargu: TIFU: By not answering my phonecalls or texts after having sex with a chick who really likes me
So today I finally had sex with this girl that really really likes me for the first time. It was so spontaneous and in the heat of the moment that we didn't use protection and neither of us cared because we were so into it. So I was really deep and I said I was about to finish. At this point her legs are as high in the air and far apart as they would go. As I was in the process of finishing, for some unknown reason she blurted out, 'I can feel myself getting pregnant!'
I immediately pulled my pants up, and took off because I had food poisoning from earlier in the day. I ran home and took a 4 hour nap and I've received many messages and calls from her. I should have told her that I was suffering from food poisoning, but I'm a guy and I needed to get laid.
learnng2breathe: Ok seriously if this is real, there's a chick who's posted the opposite of this on r/TIFU
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bpeuj/tifu_having_sex_with_a_guy_i_really_like/
s1ic3: lol guys
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406301099 | 1406417425 | t3_2bp3vy | t5_2to41 | 13 | notsoaverageash: TIFU by showing up to orientation for my first job and made a bad impression by vomiting all over aisle 9.
So, I just got hired this week for a job I really needed and was stoked. I'm always hell-bent on making good first impressions, which I believe I did successfully during my interview. I woke up feeling sick, but figured it would pass. It probably wasn't a good idea to eat a brownie and drink soda for breakfast, but I was in a rush and had to walk to the grocery store where I was hired.
I showed up with my face bright red from the walk, not feeling sick anymore. However, after a bit of walking around and exploring the makeup aisle, I blew chunks. Unfortunately, I had to reschedule my orientation and go home. I had to face the guy that was sadly stuck with cleaning my mess. I feel like I owe him a "I'm sorry for puking on the floor" card. Hopefully I still have a job after this.
TL;DR -- I got my first job and puked all over the floor at orientation. Hid my eyes out of shame from the guy that had to clean up my mess.
Subliminary: Today you fucked up by: Working at a grocery story.
/thread
Crumbus: Who cares? What if OP is a 16 year old? Grocer ain't a bad gig when you're 16.
notsoaverageash: Whoa, my self esteem is like, shot. I'm a college kid, damn it! :/
Crumbus: Shit man. I worked in a grocery store in college. Still don't matter.
notsoaverageash: You're awesome
Crumbus: xoxo
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1406325239 | 1406384131 | t3_2bqaou | t5_2to41 | 512 | washeranddryercombo: TIFU because I decided to use speakerphone NSFW
Let me start off by saying that my ex and I at the time used to play this game where whenever we would masturbate we would call one another just before we finished. The objective was to finish as soon as one of us answers the phone as loud and obnoxious as possible.
Story:
About a year ago I was at a friends house for a grad party. Both my family and close friends were attending this party. (probably 50+ people) I'm a few beers into the night and suddenly I get a phone call while I'm in the kitchen in front of my parents and friends. I tell them that it's my girlfriend and I need to leave to take the call. My mom then yells "No! No! Put her on speakerphone!" Without even taking a second guess I answer and out comes the loudest orgasm I believe everyone has ever heard. I quickly hang up and look at everyone in the room. Nobody says a word for a good 2 minutes before my mom breaks the ice and goes "Il have what she's having!"
TLDR; My ex calls me at a grad party. I answer, and she screams bloody murder.
Darkenshade: Well now... That was awkward.
washeranddryercombo: Worst part was later that night my aunt gave me bedroom advice. "Don't cry, don't laugh if she farts, most importantly condoms are fun!"
Armageddon_Love: It depends on whether it was a fart or a queef.
Either way, I'd still prefer if my partner laughed.
washeranddryercombo: Laughing seems like it would make it less awkward. I'm someone who would rather just fart back and laugh about it together.
| 5 | 102.4 | |
1406325318 | 1406327377 | t3_2bqatl | t5_2to41 | 16 | 06046ldc: TIFU I ripped the skin around my anus experimenting...
I am a guy and I was always curious about what prostate stimulation is like. I finally gave into the curiosity and tried it and I got a little too rough and literally rubbed off the skin around the anus. Now I have a missing chunk of skin under the hole so it looks like I have 2 ass holes... No I am not kidding and I don't think it will heal.
How will I explain that one if my future wife notices...
Grynnbalt: Ehm..explain your doctor first? Really better to see if this can get fixed, before thinking about what "future" people may think.
06046ldc: I say today TIFU but this actually happened a year ago... haha Never healed. Doctor said it wasnt infected but it just never healed
Grynnbalt: Ah, well I guess you'll be able to explain it just fine.
Worst case: "No, the other hole!"
| 4 | 4 | |
1406323937 | 1406330072 | t3_2bq8lv | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by house sitting for my professor
I am an undergrad student. My professor has anywhere between 15-21 cats full time in her 3 bedroom 1200 sq ft home. She is single with a spoiled teenage daughter. Basically, she asked me to house sit for her for a month while she travels across the country to stay with family. I came into her house, which has huge electrical problems, mold, and well...so many cats you sometimes cannot see the floor when you're walking through this massive heard of flea infested animals. At least 6 of her cats puke in random intervals throughout the day, for no apparent reason. They just throw up their food. She left me with no money to buy food or litter for them, and when the fleas got so bad that 20-30 were crawling up my legs at a time, she expected me to shampoo her carpets and treat her house for the fleas and ants crawling every fucking where.
So yesterday I spent 12+ hours cleaning this shit hole of a house that should be condemned. When she came home, she proceeded to spend the next 6 hours screaming at me through FB. She stopped to console her daughter, who was crying on the floor because a cat peed on her pillow, and then my professor began crying herself. So off and on she has been messaging me, calling me a stupid bitch, yelling at me for leaving non-vegan cheese in her refrigerator, for using plastic bags instead of cloth ones to shop, and for her cats being...well, disgusting. She has also started posting on her Facebook calling me out by name, trying to destroy my reputation with the university by claiming I destroyed her house.
TL;DR: I made the mistake of house sitting for a crazy, psycho bitch.
flamingtoastjpn: Thats seriously illegal
[deleted]: Which part? :/
flamingtoastjpn: - Defamation of character
- House (probably) not up to code
- probably animal abuse too (if there are seriously that many)
whoppwhopp: Yep go after her take pictures of all and bring to school attention. Your teacher is a idiot for doing this
flamingtoastjpn: no fuck that, call animal control and give her a surprise visit. Say you believe your teacher is keeping a large number of malnourished cats and kittens in a small space.
whoppwhopp: Call the humane society and PETA too. Especially if she got mad because of non-vegan cheese she probably worships peta
TheHalfChubPrince: Not everyone who doesn't eat dairy worships PETA. How do you know she's not lactose intolerant?
whoppwhopp: I know that there are people that are lactose intolerant I live with one lol. I would say just based on how she was portrayed that's all.
| 9 | 2 | |
1406325367 | 1406326554 | t3_2bqawt | t5_2to41 | 7 | Possiblysuicidal: TIFU by letting Adventure Island make me it's bitch.
It was three days ago, but my family and I went down to Tampa, FL for a few days to go to the theme parks.
The first day we go to the water park, and I've got this feeling like nothing bad at all could happen at all. So, the first ride we go on is called the GULFSCREAM. I get to the top and it's just a pretty big slide so I thought "No biggie, this should be fun." I'm the first one to go down, and when I make it to the bottom, I feel this surge inside me. At first I thought it felt fucking great, then by the time the rest of my family was off the slide, my ass was ready to go Pompeii. I rush to the men's room and take the most explosive shit. I look down and see blood dripping into the toilet. I clench my ass, clean up, and have to go around the rest of the day with a charred asshole.
AlbinoStepchild: Sounds like the waterslide rode you.
Possiblysuicidal: It's a shame that my first love is also a water slide.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406326316 | 1416302533 | t3_2bqcgq | t5_2to41 | 46 | Fatboystillfat: TIFU buy thinking I need to go to the urologist
Hi, my name is Austin and today I fucked up.
For the past month and a half I have been having so very odd symptoms while urinating. Occasionally it would burn. Like I was passing a kidney stone made of the sun. Other times I would have slight discharge. Sometimes the 2 would combine, and i would discharge additionally, but from my eyes (tears) because it was real hurtty in my penis.
So I went to my normal doctor, let's call him Kenneth (because that's his real name) and he was like "no worries! You have a uti here are some antibiotics!" And then I paid a 40 dollar copay and was on my way.
My symptoms we're off and on so I thought I had beaten my penis (infection) and was on my way making love and what not. Then the symptoms returned with vengeance! So I went back to Kenneth and he took a culture of my peepee, came up all good, and sent me to a urologist.
Urologist? How bad could it be? Pee in a cup, nice man looks at it, I give a nurse a golden shower, we high five and we're on our way. Easy.
So. Fucking. Wrong.
Go to urologist. Pee in cup. Everything is going perfectible well. The doctor comes in and suggest that there could be scar tissue in my dick. Bad news bears. He says it's easy to find out! He could tell me today! All I have to do is stick a camera up my dick. Without thinking I agree.
Bad Choice.
Next thing I know chubby nurse has come in, clamped my dick, and numbed it. Bad sign. Dr. Comes back in and before I know it there is a camera going back up my dick (which is so scared that it has basically retracted into a vagina) and I experience some of the worse pain I have ever felt. It feels like you're peeing fire backwards. While watching a screen of what it looks like.
Good news, no scar tissue is built up, bad news, this wasnt satisfactory for dr. Kevin. Next thing I know his fingers are in my ass checking my prostate. Camera in dick. Fingers in ass. Dignity gone forever.
Dr. Kevin decides he needs another urine sample. SO HE SHOOTS WATER THOUGH MY PENIS INTO MY BLADDER UNTIL ITS FULL.
I go to give the urine sample and my dick feels like bobby flay just threw my urethra on the grill. After I'm done peeing (because of all the weird shit that just happened) my dick actually farted. My dick. Farted.
I drop off the urine sample, tell the woman to just send me the fucking bill and leave the office a changed man with a pale face. Everyone knew what happened. I'll never be the same. I need a beer.
Oh for clarification Im 18. This is pretty common for old men. I actually didnt know this existed.
TLDR: My dick got fucked like a vagina with a camera while I was sodomized by a small asian urologist.
satantho: You ever find out what was up with your dick?
Fatboystillfat: No. Basically he said he would look at my pee again. And because he fucked with my prostate before I peed he should be able to tell if I have a prostate infection too. So it was a lot of pain and discomfort for nothing.
thenerdal: Anything new OP?
Fatboystillfat: Also I'm super gay with a dick pain fetish now.
thenerdal: wut
| 6 | 7.666667 |
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