start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1406328322 | 1406423846 | t3_2bqfn1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my boyfriend about a text
Context: We have been dating for nearly 2.5 years and I used to be really snoopy, but I have been working on it. Last week I was updating my phone on his computer, and skype popped up automatically. I saw my name, so I (stupidly) looked. I was offended at what he said and brought it up. We both apologized, and moved on, or so I thought.
Today a friend asked if we wanted to go out and eat. Being short on cash, I said no. I then got a call from my dad, while the BF started texting. I walked towards him and he recoiled, not letting me near the phone. After the call ended, I asked about it. He got mad at me for wanting to know what was said between him and that friend. Specifically, what words were used because I feel word choice changes meaning a lot. We then got into an argument of me snooping through his facebook (which I have not done in a while, like I said, I am working on it), texts (same thing here), and other things that I now forget. He is now not letting me see anything of his.
I brought up that when I do that to him, the world ends. To be fair, one time I did this I royally screwed up by seeking the attention of GW (no, not same account, it has been deleted). However, he gets upset when I try and do things for him and not let him see messages, or am talking to friends about problems. Then we somehow got back onto the topic of going to eat. I said I ate, he got mad that I didn't wait for him to get off work. I had a late lunch, and was not hungry. He saw this on facebook. He then said, "Wow, after two and a half years you think we would at least eat at the same time."
Then I told him again what time I ate. He then made the snarky retort of, "Great, not you won't eat for another 24 hours, unless I make you." The context of that is the fact that people say I eat like a squirrel; not much, and not often. No, I don't have an eating disorder, I just don't get hungry that often. Last week I nearly passed out because I forgot to eat.
He left to get food for himself, came back, and has not even come into the same room s me.
TLDR; OAG trying to work on herself asked about a text, BF got mad, things were purposefully said, and now we are not speaking.
Whaticansee: You shouldn't have been snooping.
If he didn't want to be with you/ was talking to other girls etc surely he wouldn't be with you for 2.5 years? Or surely you could tell when he's lying or not telling you the truth. Perhaps it says something about your relationship if you don't trust each other and are arguing with each other all the time?
2wierd4u: I know I shouldn't have.
The friend in the situation, he used to have feelings for, so I am a little (a lot) jealous sometimes. The situation has been reversed where he was just as jealous of me talking to someone.
Sometimes I catch lies, sometimes I am dumb to them until later. I'm not a living polygraph.
I never said we argued all the time. Everyone has their issues.
WoxicFangel: Why are you jealous after 2.5 years? Enjoy what you have and dont mess it up.
2wierd4u: I said we both get jealous at times. Trying not to mess it up again
Levyyz: Getting jealous is a logical and normal behavior. Dealing with it is where it's at.
2wierd4u: Yeah we both are trying. Some situations get us worse than others.
Levyyz: I suggest you analyze top comment again. You can try harder.
2wierd4u: You don't exactly know what is fully being done. I think you should realize that steps are being taken and nothing completely changes over night. He and I have talked about the situation since. Things were said while we were upset, and we both admitted to blowing things out of per portion. I am working on me. That's all I can do.
Levyyz: I'm interested. Do you think it's a choice or pure impuls to be invading his privacy in the extensive way you are?
2wierd4u: As I said, I am no longer doing it the way I was. Don't be condescending. I am making a conscious effort to not be that way. I have not had an urge to search through his info the way I did several months ago. For some people it is an impulse, people are hard wired differently. The defining factor is knowing when you go too far and making the choice to step back, in anything.
| 11 | 0.818182 | |
1406330657 | 1406331247 | t3_2bqjao | t5_2to41 | 4 | throwaway0192929408: TIFU by sleeping at a friend's with my boyfriend
This was about a week ago. My boyfriend was leaving for the military so we were spending as much time as possible together at a friend's place. This had become a daily thing for the past 2 weeks, so I had become pretty comfortable with going and sleeping on the couch while they continued drinking or playing video games. Also, side note, my boyfriend and his friend still devoutly believe "girls don't fart". I've always lived up to this, because I think it'd be awkward and unattractive to do in front of people other than my family, but I digress.
So I pass out on the couch, and I vaguely remember waking up a few times and talking to them. One of the times, I was scooting down so his friend could sit on the couch. I remember saying something, and he responded with "But girls don't fart!" I remember laughing, farting, and falling back asleep while they all laughed too. If I was awake, this totally wouldn't have been something I'd do but.. I can't remember if it really happened or if it was a dream. I also remember waking up later, and crawling back up on the couch to my original spot when my boyfriend was wanting to crash, so I know I moved down for his friend..
The following morning, I wake up, extremely confused wondering if it really happened or was a dream. My boyfriend wakes up and looks at me with this slight smile, and then proceeds to tell me how much he loves me. It seemed really random from him.. It might be because he thought it was funny, or it might have been because it was one of our last few days together. I'm too afraid to find out which, but it haunts me.
**Tl;dr**: Slept over at a friend's with my boyfriend, end up half-awake making jokes about farting, actually fart, fall back asleep, can't tell if it was a dream or not. FML
PmMeThemTits: I fail to see the fuck up... you farted. Big deal. If he can't handle that he is a child.
throwaway0192929408: > It's not so much the farting, as the not knowing if I did or not. If I did and he really acted that chill about it, cool. Now I can be more casual about it. Either way, the next few times we sleep together, I'm going to be really self-conscious about it. Nobody likes a sleep-farter.
PmMeThemTits: Doesn't bother me. I'm sure I fart in my sleep. It shouldn't be a problem.
| 4 | 1 | |
1406331612 | 1406422869 | t3_2bqkrf | t5_2to41 | 237 | throw_8888_away: TIFU by having crazy wet sex with my wife...in a hotel
Hi reddit. Throwaway. Reasons.
Wife and I had some time in a hotel this last while. I woke up to her tossing and turning, so I cuddled her up with me and gave her a kiss on the nose, planning on falling back to sleep. Wife had a different idea. So we kiss some, making out, then getting real hot and heavy and take each other's clothes off. You know where this is going. We start getting into it, I'm pounding away, we are all over the bed.
A little backstory: My wife is a big squirter. Like, crazy orgasms. I eat her out as much as I can before we have sex because I love making her go crazy.
So anyway, she's about to cum and usually by this point, we've planned for it and are already going nuts on the floor. Not this time. We got so into it that we never got off the bed. And then she came. A solid 30 seconds* of squirting. On a hotel bed. We are both soaked from it. It was epic.
Now here's the TIFU part- the bed was so soaked that the room service took everything off and left it bare, fan blowing, thermostat set to 80 degrees, WITH A NOTE, saying that the bed is too wet to make.
We had to make the walk of shame past the room service ladies as we checked out...
Tl;dr wife squirts and ruins hotel bed. It was epic.
Edit: marked nsfw for obvious reasons
*disclaimer: seemed like 30 seconds ITM
[deleted]: Yeah...I hate to break it to you, but what your wife was "squirting" out was mostly urine. *Real* squirters let out a tiny amount...there is not enough to soak a bed, not even close. She peed everywhere.
Trust_me_I_am_doctor: You clearly have never been with a squirter.
[deleted]: Legitimate squirt isn't very voluminous. There is no vessel, gland, or organ that holds liters of liquid down there...except the bladder.
And yes, I have been with a "squirter". She did exactly what OP's wife did: soak the bed with several liters of liquid being forcefully shot out of her urethra. If it comes out of the urethra, and legitimate squirt is at most a few ounces, there certainly must be some other liquid coming from some other organ making up the substantial difference in volume. It's pee, and it doesn't take a scientist to figure that out.
Quilf: > Legitimate squirt isn't very voluminous.
Why am I just incredibly certain that you're a man? Is it because you're deciding, oh-so-matter-of-factly, which bodily functions a woman has get to be *legitimate*? Yeah, that'll be it.
[deleted]: I didn't personally decide. Science decided. When urine comes out of the urethra, you are *urinating*, no matter what you choose to call it in the heat of the moment. If y'all are into it, that's fine, but let's not mislead people: guys out there have the right to not be confused by pseudoscience and to know that the fire hydrant of a pussy that they are putting their face into and open their mouth for is doing the same thing it does above the toilet.
Quilf: > I didn't personally decide. Science decided. When urine comes out of the urethra, you are urinating, no matter what you choose to call it in the heat of the moment.
Science didn't decide for you to be a bigot.
When saliva comes out of the mouth, is it always spitting?
Or is it sometimes dribbling? Is it sometimes part of kissing? Is it sometimes sneezing? Is it sometimes gleking? It's all saliva. It's all the same substance. But it's not always the same thing, in form, method, or function. Even the composition may differ slightly.
It's the same with female ejaculation. There is urine in it, sure. But it's not necessarily the same thing as urination.
This is what femenists mean when they talk about people defining the meaning of words around concepts that put women's sexuality on the back foot.
[deleted]: >It's the same with female ejaculation. There is urine in it, sure. But it's not necessarily the same thing as urination
But so many men are mislead into thinking that "squirt" is somehow a completely different liquid than urine, when in fact it is comprised of *mostly* urine. That's what I'm trying to say.
And I have no idea how this means that I am a bigot or somehow oppressing women. I really don't. I'm baffled as to why feminism and the oppression of women's sexuality was interjected here. Telling dudes the truth about squirt (that it is mostly piss) is just good science. Fuck off with that feminist bullshit.
Quilf: > And I have no idea how this means that I am a bigot ... Fuck off with that feminist bullshit.
That's all that bigotry is: when you don't understand the other point of view, but think that your own is so superior that it doesn't matter.
"*Fuck off with that feminist bullshit,*" indeed.
[deleted]: Except that you called me a bigot in response to [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bqkrf/tifu_by_having_crazy_wet_sex_with_my_wifein_a/cj8jpic) comment, where I'm just stating facts.
Telling someone to fuck off doesn't make you a bigot. Some people are just wrong, deny scientific facts, etc. They promote bullshit, and they need to get told in public so that others don't become mislead by their bullshit, especially when they insinuate irrelevant and inflammatory discourse into a factual discussion, as you did. Not every conversation involving the female reproductive anatomy needs to be turned into a rallying cry against the oppression of women. We were talking about the storage and repletion intervals of certain parts of the body; this is biology, not women's rights.
Quilf: Ah, the old 'science bigot' tropes out in force.
* "I'm just stating facts."
* "this is biology, not women's rights."
* sesquipedalian disposition adopted in order to insinuate articulation, intelligence, and accuracy.
There is no such thing as 'just science' when you want to use it for a purpose. There is always a context to science.
Let me explain my objections to you.
We both agree that a squirt is composed, in large part, of urine, the substance.
I want you to accept that the word 'urination' is not appropriate to both cases - squirting and pissing. They have different triggers, different functions, different contexts.
They should not be described with the same verb, any more than the verb 'spit' should be confused with the verb 'drool'.
*They do not mean the same thing*, even though both actions involve the deployment of saliva from the mouth.
Squirting is a major part of female sexuality, but it is something about which many people are understandably reserved.
It is not 'just science' to tell women they're doing Action A, when they are telling you they are doing Action B. It is a political position, informed by a political context. The fact that this ever-present political subtext complicates your simple world view is not a reason to dismiss it. It's a reason to accept that your world view is too simple.
Now who's schooling who, again?
| 11 | 21.545455 | |
1406327997 | 1406332634 | t3_2bqf4f | t5_2to41 | 4 | madmanwithabolt: TIFU By Swallowing
madmanwithabolt: She accidently swallowed. She had never given head before.
6romperstomper9: Well now OP, you just make sure you inform her that, that is the only proper way to give head.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406331899 | 1406332149 | t3_2bql6e | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu: by reading this subreddit!
Jbrasseur: You mean exactly like this post?
s1ic3: Ramish doesn't see the irony.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406333285 | 1406364763 | t3_2bqn6z | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking in the dark [NSFW]
This was actually in January but I thought it was appropriate. Disclaimer: this story involves gay stuff.
So it was finals week and I was horny and tired of studying at around 2 in the morning. I start texting this guy I met a few days earlier who lives nearby and we agree to meet up. I put on a shirt and a jacket (it's snowing outside) and meet up at his place. Long story short we bang but when it's time to finish he wants to set something down so that he doesn't have to change his sheets. No problem , but we can't find a towel (it's dark) so he grabs an old t-shirt from underneath his bed. After a few minutes it's time to go so I look around for my shirt and instead I find that we just used it as a rag. My jacket doesn't really cover the upper part of my torso so I have to walk home with my bare chest out and a cum rag in my pocket in the snow. not worth it.
DelightfulCunt: couldn't he borrow you a shirt?
6romperstomper9: Lend maybe?
DelightfulCunt: yes. in english you have two different words to indicate by whom an action was preformed lol. i confused the words
RoEksDee: Not the kind of answer I expected from "DelightfulCunt"
PIRATEghost85: He can master the intricacies of the "who, whom" situation though.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1406332299 | 1406341828 | t3_2bqlrv | t5_2to41 | 15 | CheezeLouise1: Tifu by forgetting a to pack a tampon in my bag.
So... My sister and I were out and about shopping at a Baby's R Us in my town. Suddenly I realized that I didn't pack a tampon in my bag and had forgotten to put in a fresh one before I left. I made a beeline for the bathroom and had no other choice but to shove a mountain of toilet paper in between my undies and coslopus. All was good after that... For a little while. Fast forward to our trip to the dollar store. I'm loading up on shit that I don't need but I'll buy it because it is only a dollar. Suddenly I look down and notice a bulge poking out from the lady bit area of my dress. I hadn't noticed that my makeshift pad had me looking like I had a rather large penis.
TehCameraGuy: Could have been worse....
Tp dick is better then a blood spot....
nemesisbreaker: http://38.media.tumblr.com/1c0cc06cd2ce41e515c8564f4c52cc7d/tumblr_mlsd1oS6LF1ryzizgo1_500.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/CreamyGleefulDeinonychus](http://gfycat.com/CreamyGleefulDeinonychus)
---
^(GIF size: 973.27 kiB) ^| ^(GFY size:69.03 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1406336206 | 1406370410 | t3_2bqr9a | t5_2to41 | 39 | Dylanjon95: TIFU By Making my 9-Year-Old Cousin, on my First Time Meeting Him, Cry
So a few nights ago I met my American cousins for the first time in nearly over a decade. Among them was a new addition to the family whom I was meeting for the first time at my Grandad's 80th. Let's call him Ethan.
Ethan and I hit it off pretty well and we struck up a great rapport discussing the sports he played back in the US and how he was finding Ireland so far. We preceded to enter the restaurant and, naturally, we gazed at the menu. It was then I noticed that Ethan had brought something wrapped in tinfoil.
'What's that?', I asked his older brother, intrigued. His older brother then told me that Ethan had an allergic reaction to strawberries (strange, I know, but anyway) so Ethan had brought his own desert. I then formed the joke in my mind that wouldn't it be funny if Ethan was to order a plate of strawberries for his main course.
Only, the reaction I got was far from what I had in mind. Instead of brushing it aside, Ethan folded his arms and planted his head on the table, visibly upset at the joke that I had just made at his expense. His eyes started to well up and at that point I was really starting to dread what I had just done.
His mum then came over and consoled him, by referencing my brothers and I and our chequered past. (I have two younger brothers and when I was about 8 or 9 me, alongside the other eldest, accidentally broke the youngests leg.) My aunt then told Ethan of how we "always beat the youngest up - [not true in any way] - and how we broke both of his arms. (Where was she getting this information from?)
Considering the direction she was heading and how left-field her information was, I decided to chime in and correct her. "Actually, aunty, it his leg we broke but, you know what, I'll just let you do your thing".
Three days later and I haven't said a word to my aunty or Ethan. That'll certainly teach me to make allergy jokes.
a_drunken_monkey: She doesn't sound very good at comforting her kid
*Don't worry little Ethan, you got lucky, next time /u/Dylanjon95 and his brother are gonna beat the hell out of you and break your arms*
blizzardinaugust: How's his maternal relationship?
Smellz_Ur_Cunt: Is there something about broken arms you like to discuss?
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1406335501 | 1406358208 | t3_2bqqb8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | AstroNaughtilus: TIFU by finding the TIFU subreddit.
I can feel my productivity in all aspect of my life decreasing, as I have found the ultimate well of hilarious human misery, which I shall be now wallowing in for far longer than I should, for the best comedy is the tragedy of someone else.
smashedbotatos: Same here. I have read too much of this section of the internet today. My eyes are bleeding and my sides hurt from laughing at these poor souls.
AstroNaughtilus: I'm at work, my job is a night receptionist which consists of a large zone of "nothing to do" with a little work to do by the start and end of the shift, total approx. 45 mins of work. Nobody here to hear my roaring laughter.
[deleted]: I envy you. I have to steal in for ten or fifteen minutes at a time; just to pick a sub and dive in when I'm working
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406344593 | 1406595846 | t3_2br2vd | t5_2to41 | 101 | Gameboy64: TIFU by blaring the Star Wars theme in Best Buy
Backstory: I was in Best Buy today just looking around.
Anyway, I was looking for a Bluetooth speaker. I come across one I like and it says "try me". So I happily oblige. I pull out my phone and connect. Now. Little did I know, the Best Buy uses the same brand of speakers for their radio. So I accidentally choose the store speaker...
I decide that, because loud music is obnoxious, I put on some soft classical music. Now, I thought my phone volume was on 2% but I was mistaken. I accidentally click on Star Wars Music (Which I set under Classical music) and press play. Right then, Star Wars music fills the air. Through the whole store. I swear you could hear it outside. Everyone was giving me dirty looks. About 15 seconds later, I cut it off and run from the store
TL;DR. Went to a best buy, clicked the wrong speaker, and send Star Wars music through the whole store.
I'm just glad I hate screamo...
Srgt_Davis: Blaring star wars through the Best Buy speakers? Sounds like a win to me.
Skipthechip: My thoughts exactly, more like TIWFA (Today i was fucking awesome).
friend_of_bob_dole: The fuckup was turning it off. Especially if it was The Imperial March.
Gameboy64: Well, I was pretty nervous. You try it, then
friend_of_bob_dole: Whew... Nice triple-post!
But yes, I too would have panicked I'm sure.
Gameboy64: Sorry. My reddit client sucks. Everything I post triples
friend_of_bob_dole: Nah, I bet you just triple post everything for triple the karma.
Gameboy64: Haha
| 9 | 11.222222 | |
1406345533 | 1406347368 | t3_2br428 | t5_2to41 | 9 | NoSleepFiend: TIFU by choosing the parents I chose.
I've never posted anything on reddit before, I'm typically just a browser who comments occasionally. Nonetheless, this needs to be expressed.
You know how "they" (whoever "they" is) say that before you're born you choose your parents? Well, if that's the case I TIFU when I chose mine. I say this for many reasons and today as I sat feeling alone with no one in this entire world to talk to (I have no family), I blamed myself.
My dad was one heck of a guy (jk, yeah right). As early as I can remember when he was around things never were just great. I think him leaving in my early childhood was for the best and even when he was there he kind of never really was much of a parent. I can recall my mother being the primary bread winner who would choose to work 12 hours a day (being a barber she made her own schedule). I was left with a guy who played war simulation computer games from 2am to 12am straight only stopping to drink himself half to death.
I was always left with nothing substantial to eat and always directed to the fridge to grab beers when told. I vaguely remember a time where I was told to go make lunch and I couldn't be more then 6, I threw meat on a sandwich and delivered what I thought would shut this guy up and to no surprise it did.
When I got a bit older I realized my dad did a lot of other illegal drugs and felt weird being left with the multiple women he cheated on my mom with. I couldn't believe how good of a liar he was (or how dumb my mother was because he was pretty obvious even to me) and I hated hearing them argue over the money he stole or jewelry/electronics he would pawn for cash.
Last thing about him (that just stood out to me as a small child), he would always get so intoxicated before he did handyman work around the house that it was always traumatizing to witness him falling off of the roof multiple times (I kid you not) and breaking stuff but never going to be seen. I was too terrified to say anything to anyone because I had an inclination this stuff was not normal and my mom was just as crazy anyway so what good what that do?
On to my mother, what an emotionally manipulative depressed woman she was/is. She must have liked being used because my father and every man after that used her and pretty much ran her over. I myself was not able to have the small things I asked for (which I stopped asking for early on, I even stopped celebrating birthdays and Christmas in my mind because I knew she would always either not get me the one thing I requested, or she would act like she never heard me). I seemed second to money or her social life, and after my dad I was always with a random weird friend for 12 hours a day who would watch me or I was sitting at her job basically doing nothing. I was so happy for school to start I almost cried before the summer started every year. People taking time with their children while I sat and heard a clipper going and shit being talked from sun up to sun down.
It's not like she couldn't afford to spoil me a tad bit. I calculated (and she admitted) she use to make almost 400-500 cash a day. If you charge 10 dollars a hair cut and cut 2-3 people every hour but most people tip you 5-10 bucks (which she was known for, good tips) then you could absolutely afford a day off or to place me with other children in an activity while you worked. I never learned how to be social because of this because I was always so not happy about anything. I hated going home to never having a cooked meal (she never cooked) and eating TV dinners while she counted ones and talked to her friends about how lucky she was to be able to only claim 10,000 a year on taxes while she made a lot more.
I guess what really irked me about her was how she made me feel like a burden to her how she blamed my dad for not doing his part and how if I needed something since he didn't pay child support to ask him. Why would you tell a child that? I can't see how she was so butt hurt over a deadbeat anyway, wouldn't you try and be more emotionally stable for your child so they wouldn't suffer? Guess some people never let the past go.
There's a lot more stuff if could elaborate on, but you get my gist. I chose crappy parents if I had a choice.
wolfpacsoldier: Take a look at /r/narcissism. It may help you understand your parents...or make you more angry sorry.
NoSleepFiend: Thanks. I need support.
wolfpacsoldier: No problem mate. Good luck. I hope your life without them gets a whole lot better.
NoSleepFiend: Me too. Sooner than never lol.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1406345125 | 1406350206 | t3_2br3jr | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU By Skyping A Friend
I met a girl my age (18) online who was in to many of the same things I was and we started chatting online. I live in Canada and she lives in England so there's a five hour time difference. We've spoken online through chat only for about six months now and a week ago we decided to Skype voice call one each other. Everything was completely innocent and we had a good time. The only problem was that she would only skype once her parents went to bed so that meant that our conversations lasted until about 4am her time.
So last night everything was going good and then I decided to show her my house and a couple of places near where I live that are pretty cool. After that she decided to show me her house and then she pointed out the windows for her bedroom and the window for her living room which was where she currently was. So a few minutes pass by and all of sudden she kinda freaks and says her mom is coming downstairs and muted the conversation.
When she came back on she was telling me how her mom was worried for her, thinking that I was some creepy old man trying to find out where she lived. My friend was clearly tired and not thinking clearly because she got all nervous thinking that I might be some creepy guy. We had added each other on Facebook before, and we've seen photos of each other. Anyway I ended up taking a picture of myself with the call in the picture and sent it to her.
She kinda calmed down but was still a little weird. About two minutes later she said that she was going to go to bed. I went to bed, concerned about what would happen between us. The next day she didn't message me at any of the usual times that we message each other. I sent her an apology but nothing back yet. It's been nearly twenty hours since we spoke and we always speak at least once every day. I may have fucked up.
tl;dr Skyped a British friend late at night. Her mom thought I was some creepy guy trying to learn where she lived. Haven't spoken to her since.
gbcb107: OP.....shut the fuck up.
friend_of_bob_dole: You read my mind... You sorcerer/ess.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406346338 | 1406350590 | t3_2br530 | t5_2to41 | 10 | DatVitaminD: TIFU trying to get my friend drunk (nsfw?)
Some back story, one of my best friends decided to have a party at his place while his parents were out of town (he's rich so it was a nice ass house) and I told him I'd help him set it up. While we were getting everything ready he told me that he wanted to blackout tonight, I told him I'd be damned if he I didn't make sure of it. Fast forward to the party, I come around every 20 mins or so to make sure he got a shot of whatever I could get my hands on. Now this is where I fucked up. I'm a skinny ass mother fucker so I couldn't handle nearly as much as my friend could. So I ended up absolutely shit-faced 1 1/2 hours into the party. Apparently I ended up playing a shit ton of guitar hero with some friends, hit on some girls, and then proceeded to throw up all over myself... Thankfully I'm not going to see most of those people ever again, but I had my phone in my vomit-ridden pocket. Now my phone is royally fucked.
tl;dr tried to help a friend get drunk, forgot I was a lightweight, kicked ass at guitar hero, threw up all over myself, and fucked up my phone.
Bonus: My friend woke up the next morning to find one of our mutual friends get taken to pound town on top of his pool table (which was right outside his bedroom)
itsnotnews92: When I read the TL;DR I assumed this was written by a girl who quite literally *fucked* her phone.
DatVitaminD: Definitely would have made it more interesting, but I'm a proud owner of a penis so that would be hella hard to do.
TheRedditNub: You can always try...
DatVitaminD: http://i.imgur.com/WVyIzKd.jpg
| 5 | 2 | |
1406347509 | 1406385294 | t3_2br6k8 | t5_2to41 | 2,006 | DrunkenGolfer: TIFU by leading a thousand people in a protest march against myself
Walking to lunch, I heard the sound of a megaphone emanating from the nearby park. A horde of agitated citizens had gathered to protest a legislative loophole that could be used to grant citizenship to long-term residents (foreign workers). A foreign worker myself, I was curious. I chose to walk through the park and past the protesters, observing the gathering ahead of a planned march on Parliament.
I walked past the protesters, by now gathered in a pre-march prayer, and I headed toward the west entrance of the park. As I passed, the leader asked everyone to begin marching via the west gate. Finding myself between the protesters and the gate, I jokingly held up my arm in a "come-with-me" motion and yelled, "Follow me!" Failing to see the humour in my gesture, the protesters thought I was the leader of the march. And so the march began.
I snapped a selfie (shades so I'm not readily identifiable): http://imgur.com/X1JJGXf
Also, this photo reflects the general sentiment of the march: http://imgur.com/rRL9mZU
Edit: extraneous uppercase letter had to be fixed. Spelling.
genitaliban: >"White Mental Illness is killing African Bermudians - Racism"
What does that even _mean_?!
dunkster91: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
smashtender32: It gets the people going.
roflmoar: They're going gorillas!
Kynandra: They came gorillas, now they've dun gon bananas. B A N A N AS
roflmoar: This shit is bananas.
LadyGrizabella: But after going bananas, would they holla back?
The_Deadly_Sloth: Of course not, cause there ain't no holla back girl
| 9 | 222.888889 | |
1406344650 | 1406383957 | t3_2br2y0 | t5_2to41 | 71 | CookieSmuggler: TIFU by shaving with baby oil
Potentially NSFW for implied nudity and vagina euphemisms.
First, let me just say the fuck up wasn't using baby oil *per se*; baby oil gives a really close shave and makes my legs feel like dolphins. The fuck up was using dexterity as my dump stat and turning into this incredibly uncoordinated human being that once set herself on fire with a relaxing scented candle. But that's a story for another day.
My lake vacation starts tomorrow and I decided it would be better to shave today than to wake up earlier to do it. After everyone else went to bed, I poured myself a bath and just relaxed for a bit. Usually I shave BEFORE I shower/take a bath but today I felt like shaving in the comfort of a warm water hug.
After splashing in the water for over an hour, I try to get out but, as I get one foot over the ledge of the tub, the other slips on the oilly bathtub floor and I fall tuzzy-muzzy first onto the ledge. I try to get up but instead manage to slip on the bathtub steps, landing my temple of awesomeness on the first step, one leg spreading to the floor, the other still up over the bathtub.
In pain, I try to make space to bring my leg down by pulling myself sideways when my dad, having heard the commotion at 2 a.m. and thinking someone was trying to break into the house via bathroom window, opens the door to find me dragging myself down the steps like a broken-legged octopus.
Now my front-bottom is so bruised that it looks like it got a makeover from Ursula the sea witch.
fuknwayshegoes: Ouch. Just imagine how much pain you'd be in if you were a man. :( When I was about 12 I was playing road hockey (I was the goalie) and a full grown man took a slap shot that hit me right in the nuts. Incredible pain. Couldn't speak. Nearly cried but real men don't cry, even when they're 12 ;)
CookieSmuggler: Ouch. Just... Ouch.
Still, having never been hit in the testicles, I have had my fair share of fractures/injuries (again, an imbecile combination of no motor skills and love of contact sports) and I'd say, in the interest of giving you a relatable pain scale, hitting your vulva with your entire body weight hurts about the same as a dislocated patella.
You're given what seems an infinite moment of overwhelming pain where your mind goes blank and you won't even dare to breathe, followed by a few minutes of "don't touch me, don't talk to me, just leave me to die"
and then it's not so bad anymore. Unless you move.
Daveswaffles: It's roughly the same with being struck in the testicles, except after those few minutes, instead of "not so bad anymore" you have the same pain as a girl would experience from period cramps.
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1406349208 | 1406403192 | t3_2br8oh | t5_2to41 | 21 | donthirefamily: TIFU by hiring a friend / family member
You know the rule - NEVER hire friends or family.
"Ah, but what if-" NO.
"Yeah, but in some situations-" NO!
"No, see, it's totally different in this case-" NO!!!
I thought I was different. After all, I've known my cousin Lucy (not her real name) all my life. We're friends! We've been through so much together. I needed help, she needed a job, we got along well and we're friends AND family! *What could possibly go wrong?*
I run a small housecleaning business, and I needed a helper as I was doing too much on my own. About a year ago, Lucy was down on her luck (she's always down on her luck, can't keep a job, but why should I pay attention to that red flag when after all, she and I are so close?) We talked, and she was eager for the job. I immediately hired her and offered her 75% of every job she did for me. I tried to offer 60%, but she whined and wheedled, and after all, what are friends for? Sure, we'll make it 75%! Who cares about my own expenses for insurance, taxes, supplies, licensing, advertising. I didn't think at all about that. I was just thinking of keeping her happy, because *what are friends for?*
The great thing is, she's wonderful at cleaning.
But - she's late, all the time. Sometimes she calls off last-minute, citing vague health issues. And stupid me, if a client canceled last-minute, I told her I'd pay her for last-minute cancellations, and sometimes I don't get paid for those. Not to mention, that I set up a stupid precedent by giving her extra pay for jobs that are really involved or take a little longer, even though I don't get paid any extra, and I can do the jobs in the time alotted.
But the main thing is I had forgotten how manipulative she is. How many times she had me in tears, my stomach in knots, as she goaded me. "Just tell your mom to take us to the mall. It will be fun." "No, she already said no, I'm not asking her again." "If you don't get her to take us to the mall, I'll get really upset. I THOUGHT we were friends. I THOUGHT a friend wouldn't make me CRY." "Oh, please don't cry, I'll ask her again!" (And get in big trouble, and end up crying myself...) I forgot about the guilt trips. The manipulation. The "Poor me" antics. The "I told my Mom and Dad about your new 'policy' trying to curb overtime, and it REALLY hurt my feelings and THEY think you're super mean for even emailing that to me. How COULD you?"
I can't fire her. I can't avoid her. She has me completely in her power. If I even discipline her, it will cause such family drama, that the rift probably would never be fixed. The whole family lives in one part of the city, we all shop at the same stores, and see the same people, and bump into each other all the time. I don't have the balls or the spine to stand up to her. I remember when I asked her to be sure to call a customer to tell her she was on her way and she fired back "What am I, your underling? Call them yourself." And I did.
I built this business from nothing 5 years ago, and now I have to sell it at a loss because the loss of money will be SO much easier than firing her, and I can no longer work with her. She scares the shit out of me and there's nothing I can do. I simply do not have the balls to tell her off.
If I sell the business, she will have a nuclear-sized meltdown as she is completely unemployable, and now I know why. But for whatever reason, she treats this job, where she is overpaid and I give her everything she asks for, like it is her personal favor to me and she puts up with my "disrespect" because she cares so much about me and can't bear to leave me to do the work alone.
I tried to hire someone else once, someone who could do the job faster, cheaper, and following my rules. And the holy hellfire she rained down on me in the form of guilt trips and nonstop texts and calls, day and night, from herself and both of her parents, making me feel like utter shit for even dreaming of hiring an "outsider" when I have such a wonderful hard worker in Lucy...never again. I can't stomach it.
It's no use telling me to grow a pair, or just fire her, or have a talk with her, or honestly explain the reality of running a business to her. Have you ever dealt with a narcissist? Have you ever met Lucy? You haven't. If you had, you would never even suggest it. She knows me. She knows every button I have. She wins every time. I just don't have the strength to overcome her. I can't cut off that entire side of the family. I can't do that to MY side of the family. Lucy is an emotional terrorist and she will destroy me. She already has.
I am a spineless wimp who hired a friend / family member, and my only ways out are to either move across the country to the East Coast where she'll never get me, OR eat a gun. I have given serious consideration to both in the past month.
PIRATEghost85: Ill fire her for you if you want...
I know thats weird and all, but Ill say anything you want.
Just know that the feeling you would get after firing her would be wonderful. You are 100% justified in doing so, if your family would start drama over it they are fucked in the head.
Stand up for yourself! You can do it!
donthirefamily: Thank you for your comment, and your offer!
It's not a matter of who fires her, or how, or how right it is, or how justified it is. She is emotionally a toddler and uncontrollable if she doesn't get her way.
Lucy once sat on the hood of her boyfriends car, refusing to move, screaming in a Perkins' parking lot, because he didn't eat fast enough for her to get home and watch The Walking Dead, even though they were recording in on DVR anyway. When he approached her to try to ask her to get off the car so they could leave, she started screaming "Don't hit me! Don't hit me!" (he would NEVER hit her) attracting attention from people who were about to call the police thinking they were about to witness domestic violence. Fortunately she started screaming "We're missing the Walking Deaaaaaad! We're missing the Walking Deaaaaaad!" in hysterics, and her bf sat down, and it was clear that the only one escalating things was her, so the police were not called, but the manager came out and said she had to leave, and only then did she agree to get in the car. She's 34 years old. That's just ONE example, I could cite many others. The time she came over and started crying and screaming hysterically because I refused to hit her bf in the head with a hammer "as a joke", (he has a metal plate in his head from prior surgery, and she wanted me to "test it", this was just a few weeks ago).
People are giving me great advice here that would work perfectly if I was dealing with a sane, reasonable adult. I am not. I am dealing with an emotional terrorist who will stop at NOTHING, I mean nothing, to get her way. 95% of the time she's the most charming, kind, compassionate, loving person you could ever meet. Just don't tell her no. She will DESTROY you.
(Her current bf stays with her, even though she beats him up, sometimes badly, because, as he says, it's only that 5% of the time she's off the rails. Also, she is CRAZY hot, just drop-dead gorgeous, and she is VERY accustomed to men falling all over themselves to to whatever she says. It makes it worse IMO but she's just that kind of person.)
Anyway, thank you for the advice! Her side of the family are ALL fucked in the head and would take her side in a heartbeat, and it would cause huge, huge problems - not like "Oh we can't go to the reunion anymore" problems (although we couldn't) but like "Oh, my car tires have been slashed again and my windshield busted" problems. Or "Wow, suddenly people are leaving one-star horrible reviews about my business on Google and Yelp" problems.
TIFU. Heh.
ermahgerdstermpernk: She's...dangerous.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1406350526 | 1406424286 | t3_2braa9 | t5_2to41 | 226 | IFuuckedUp: TIFU By Asking Out My Crush In The Worst Possible Way
(Note:Started typing Late on the 25th, finished 1AM on 26th. Story Takes Place: Late the 24th-All day 25th)
Today I fucked up by asking out my crush.
Some background info: My crush is way out of my league (to be honest we aren't even playing the same game) and she was in the process of friend zoning me. She Is the basic high school popular girl and I am one of the semi-popular guys. I took all of the recent physical contact and lots of conversations as a green light to asking her out, while these were her attempts to hold me in the friend zone.
My night started with me not being able to sleep. I got on my laptop and got onto facebook, and checked her profile (which I do about 10 times a day). I am at a tough patch in my teenage life, nothing happening in the love life, and things are moving slowly with my friends (haven't hung out with them in a few weeks, and I'm basically only a web presence at the moment). I was getting a little down about how things were going in my life at the moment, so I decided to switch my attention to something that never fails me: The Office. (The Office is like a comfort food to me, I watch it very often, and it always can take my mind off of sadness or being unhappy. To explain exactly how sad and almost depressed I am right now, I will share the fact that in the past two years I have watched the Office end to end 9 times.)
So I start watching The Office, and in no time I get to "the episode". This episode is "Casino Night" in season two, the episode of Jim and Pam's first kiss. I watched this episode through, and I had already known it was my ideal situation to happen with this crush of mine. Delirious at 2 in the morning, depressed with my slowly moving life, and full of confidence after watching this episode of the office, I decided it was time to make a change.
For almost two months now, I have had a letter to her in my notes on my phone. It was everything I have ever wanted to tell her about how she made me feel in general, and included my feelings that i recorded on the spot sometimes when I was with her. This Letter was something I have always wanted her to see, and resembled the "Tea Cup Letter" that Jim almost gave Pam, but took back discreetly at the last second, and ended up giving her years later. He took it back knowing it was the wrong time to give her this, and gave it to her exactly when she needed it. This is not how it ended up going for me.
In my confidence and need for a change in my life, I thought she would instantly fall in love with me after seeing how she made me feel, and that it was the perfect time to give it to her because she happened to conveniently be online at the time. I copied and pasted this unfinished letter that I had drafted over the past few months, and I hit send.
It felt great to do this! I was at the happiest I had been all year, knowing she would feel the same way. This feeling lasted for just under a minute. Her response to my letter was "This is too much, I think we are best as friends." This broke my heart. I had worked up a year's worth of courage for this, and my huge slump-breaking action only piled on to how depressingly slow my life is moving. I could only get to sleep last night knowing that in doing that, the hardest part was behind me, and I would be saved from being embarrassed if I had done it in person (Instead of online while depressed and delirious).
I was so wrong in thinking I had saved myself from school-wide embarrassment if I had done it in person. My Crush sent my message to some of her friends that night (I found this out when I went to an event and was mocked with carefully picked quotes from my personal letter).
Well Reddit, Now my whole school knows the sentimental details of a relationship I thought I had, and the fact that in all my courage I was to scared to confront her in person, and I did it in an IM.
After all of this, I'm only left wondering:
-What do I do now?
-How can I escape this depression that grows with every day?
-What do I do to fix the lump in my stomach about facing my friends?
*(Thank you Reddit for reading this huge story ending in my unwavering depression. Please just say anything in the comments, I could use any advice I can get right now.)
[deleted]: Actually, you didn't fuck up.
I decided in a moment to finally show my crush how I felt by throwing her onto a sofa and kissing her passionately. *That* was a stupid way to do it, because it was borderline assault. As luck would have it, she felt the same way and we're now married.
Fact is, you put it out there, she didn't reciprocate, so I can assure you it wouldn't have been any different months from now if you took a different approach. She just didn't have a thing for you.
That question's answered, listen to some sad music for an evening to wallow in the sorrow for a while, kick off the disappointment, then move on to your next crush. You're now free from the uncertainty!
EDIT - I doubt she sent it to "some of her friends." I could be wrong, but the way these things usually go, she sent it to *a* friend, and that friend saw fit to send it to more. Sounds like you lucked out. This girl had no respect for your feelings. Good thing you found that out now when it was just a heartfelt letter. Imagine if she turned into an ex with dick pics. Also, this will work to your advantage. These things may seem painfully embarrassing now, but they also have a way of shaking the tree, so to speak. I expect it went be too long before someone who has secretly been pining over you makes it known to her friends that she was disappointed you weren't crushing on her. Opportunity in the most unexpected of events.
IFuuckedUp: Thank You so much for giving me a positive spin! I guess you're right, I need to forget about it and wait for the next crush.
YourLittleBrothers: There are billions of girls in the world. If you don't succeed with one, move onto the next.
I know, easier said than done, but once you think about it, there are soooooo many girls that are also beautiful and awesome.
TheJonesSays: Billions. I might be lucky to meet 005.% of them. That's a fuckton of people.
ZeGentleman: I'm assuming you screwed up your decimal use because 5% of a billion in 50 million. Definitely won't meet that many people in your life. If it's supposed to be 0.005%, like I assume you were going for, then that's 50k people. I'd bet you'd meet that many people in your lifetime.
TheJonesSays: I had my decimal right.
ZeGentleman: What's the point of the extra 0s then? Or the decimal, for that matter?
TheJonesSays: I'm not great at math?
| 9 | 25.111111 | |
1406351585 | 1406370794 | t3_2brbjb | t5_2to41 | 34 | YourWifeIsACamGirl: TIFU by referring to my friend's wife by her iFriends' name.
Tonight I fucked up when we were out to dinner with an old college friend and his wife. It was myself and my wife taking them out to dinner because they were in town looking at houses.
Unbeknownst to anyone at the table, I had stumbled upon my friend's wife's profile on iFriends. OK, I have to be honest here... I didn't exactly stumble on it. A mutual friend had sent me a text telling me to go to iFriends and check out "Cynthia123" (not her real screen name, but that's what I'm using to for this). He called me a little while later and gave me his login, and as I pull up the profile he says "Looks a little like Karly, doesn't it?" ("Karly", as in, my friend's wife's actual name, but again... not using her real name here).
So I watch a few videos, and I do see quite a resemblance, but her hair is different, so we agree it's just a spooky doppleganger. After he gets off the line, I continue watching them because, hey, porn that looks like a friend's hot wife. Why not?
The more I watch, I'm thinking, geez, it really does look like her. So, I pull up Facebook and I'm looking at photos, originally with the intent to see how similar they look when ohmygodthat'sthesamepaintingonthewallinthesameroomTHAT...*IS*...HER! She was wearing a wig I think, because she has shorter light hair, and in the videos she has long dark hair that she has trouble keeping out of her face.
So, I started jacking off to them. But then I click to a more recent year, forgetting they had a kid not too long ago, and it seems she continued this little part time job through the pregnancy^I'm ^closing ^the ^browser ^now ^^my ^^boner ^^broke.
Back to present day... er, last night technically. We're having a nice meal, talking about the typical shit. I, of course, can't get any of the cam girl stuff out of my head. So, I quit drinking after one glass because I was worried I'd do something stupid like drop hints, or be a total dick and tell my friend "Hey, I've seen Karly's muff-slot in high def. Did you know there's a trick to download the HD ones without paying? Understand completely if you want me to get the next round." So, I played it cool and offered to be the DD.
Not long after the salad came, I ask her "Karly, how old were you when you started learning piano?" Or so I thought. She froze solid, and just stared at me. Confused, I looked at my friend, who was giving me a weird look. My wife asks, "Are you OK?" And I just look at everyone like, "what?" My friend asks, "Have you met my wife *Karly*?" sarcastically, and I look back at to see her face is turning bright red.
Oh Christ, I just called her Cynthia. I can't believe I did that.
Through her teeth, she answers that she was six, or something, trying to keep the conversation in motion, but now I'm the one who just wants to die. So, it was that moment I figured out that my friend doesn't know about her side business. But Karly/Cynthia knows I do, and the rest of the meal was torture. She was hurrying through her food, wondering "how long is the entree going to be...?", and when the waitress asked if we wanted dessert, she blurted out "We gotta get going. The sitter's probably wondering where we are..."
Dessert was when we we got to their car, she went for the door and said "We'll give you a call sometime," instead of standing around for a few minutes to do the "When will you be in town, next?" conversation. My friend just looked at her and looked at us and said, "Um... Bye, I guess."
On the ride home, my wife did note that the meal was a bit awkward, but she didn't make any connection to the record scratch at the Cynthia fuckup. She just wrote it off to my friend drinking a little too much.
I'm just waiting for a text from my buddy or something, soon. No way this will fly under the radar.
EDIT: PS, throwaway because I have redditor family members, one or two of which would be able to figure out who I'm talking about.
CantAffordTheFunpack: Links or it didn't happen
Smellz_Ur_Cunt: This
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1406353638 | 1406354218 | t3_2brdyj | t5_2to41 | 5 | gluemanator: TIFU by naturally gluing paper to my lips
[deleted]: Why didn't you just spit on it again and wet it... then pull it off??
rumpleforeskin83: Would guess s\he panicked in which case all logical reasoning goes right out the window. Also I've had this happen with cigarettes. Put in mouth and don't light right away. Filter drys to lips, goodbye skin.
[deleted]: Yeah, I've seen that done a few times. Smoking is dangerous :P
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406355936 | 1406427670 | t3_2brge7 | t5_2to41 | 16 | fallout-nation: TIFU by making grilled cheese at my girlfriends
So my girlfriend sneaks me into her house to spend the night pretty often. Being that her room is in the basement and her parents work early morning shifts, they don't check in on her till the afternoon typically. So one afternoon, after sleeping the morning away in bed with her, we both get a overwhelming craving for a grilled cheese sandwich. So she goes to take a shower and I get some clothes on, unfortunately all I care to put on are boxers and a t-shirt. Halfway through making our sandwiches she comes up in similar attire. Immediately afterwards I can hear footsteps on the deck and keys rattling right outside the front door. I barely put down the skillet and plate in my hand before the door is open. I can hear her, rather ominously large, father walking into the living room. Her kitchen being an enclosure with no exits besides passing through the living room I do all I know to do and act natural. She greets her father and rushes downstairs and I stand there...wearing no pants in this mans kitchen, just making a grilled cheese sandwich. He sets his things down and comes up to me, looks down and then back up at me. I could feel my heart stop desperately waiting for him to say something. I just stand there, completely still until he says "If you wait any longer to turn that thing over it'll burn." As he's walking away I stutter and then let out a "Thank you.." bewildered I finish the two sandwiches and rush back downstairs to my girlfriend still dressing.
Tl:dr, Had a half naked cooking session with SO's father while in his kitchen.
smashedbotatos: As a father of two girls, If that were me I would have immediatly taken my shoes and pants off. Then proceded to walk over to you and whispered in your ear "What are we making. buddy?"
son_of_iron_horse: thank you, i'm stealing this.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1406356782 | 1406357328 | t3_2brh48 | t5_2to41 | 9 | mrsmcfreaky: Nsfw TIFU by not knowing what a "cream pie" was.... nsfw
This happened months ago but I feel is still warranted to share.
My husband and I were exploring into a swinger type of environment and started out by using an online website to meet others interested. Both of us started talking to people together and apart as well but always shared what was said. One day we received a message on the site from a man inquiring about me. So we started talking back and forth. He asked about what exactly I was into so I shared what I would like to happen and returned the question. He started off with the normal like to watch be involved, then he said he'd like to share a cream pie with my husband.
I figured it meant something to do with a pastry with cream filled center in some sexual way... didn't think much of it and continued talking. Later on my husband read the conversation and starts shaking his head(husband isn't bi or bi curious). I asked him what wrong? He said why would you agree to me sharing a cream pie with this guy... confused, I asked what exactly is a cream pie? He just started laughing and made me look it up.... super embarrassing and felt horrible for leading the guy on. Now I'm trying to brush up on any lingo pertaining to such.
pcliv: If you're not sure what something means, always check www.urbandictionary.com - I saves me a lot of confusion. I can't keep up with all the new whipper-snapper's lingo anymore.
mrsmcfreaky: Believe me not making that mistake again!
| 3 | 3 | |
1406361931 | 1406415307 | t3_2brlhv | t5_2to41 | 278 | Space-Money: TIFU By Sharting Naked In The Kitchen.
It's Saturday now in Colorado, so let's do this. It was my day off yesterday and so when I woke up I thought "Damn, I could really go for a PBR in the shower today." So I started running water for my shower, and it takes a solid minute to actually get hot, so I walked to the fridge down the hall in the kitchen. I open up the fridge, grab the beer, take a couple sips and stand there for a minute, just sort of zoning out. I was just about to go back to the shower and needed to fart so I stopped for a second and let 'er rip. Bam. Poop on the floor. I was like "OH FUCK" and I ran to the shower and cleaned the shit out of my asscrack and got out as quickly as I could.
As I was stepping out of the shower, I could hear my girlfriend unlocking our front door and I was like "no no no no, god no" I stopped drying off and just ran out to the kitchen to try to hide it with a paper towel or something and try to play it off like I spilled a frozen burrito or something. Before I make it to the kitchen, I just hear a loud "What the fuck Dude!"
I just stood there like a deer in the headlights. She looked at me. Looked at it. Looked at me. I said "Uhhhh, Domino did it." (that's our dog). She gave me a look that is best described as Not Amused. I proceeded to clean up my own shit off the floor, naked. In front of my girlfriend that did not at all enjoy coming home to that.
tl;dr: shat on the kitchen floor, girlfriend saw it before I cleaned it up, and then I tried to blame the dog.
Edit- words and stuff.
[deleted]: *OP asserts dominance by proceeding to shit in every room.*
TheGhostfaceKza: So occasionally this italic equivalent of a meme is funny but you seriously missed the mark this time. Bonus points for originality. Bring me the downvotes because *kza asserted dominance by calling out your weak attempt at a trendy joke*
Edit: More than one reference to the asserting dominance "joke" in the comments and Im the dumb one. Think up some original material or maybe a punchline kids.
Sherlockhomey: I mean, are you even aware of how stupid you seem?
TheGhostfaceKza: Just as dumb as the "OP asserts dominance by summary of tifu" that shows up in every fucking tifu. Sorry im not upvote fishing
myredditses: > Sorry im not upvote fishing
But will you upvote *fisting*?
whalezzzzZz: Assert dominance by fisting kza.
Kingdudley: Fuck I want to give this guy gold
| 8 | 34.75 | |
1406360509 | 1406366389 | t3_2brkdk | t5_2to41 | 8 | LegendaryGuy1: TIFU by being a beta
Horatio_Stubblecunt: Right, you're 16 years old so you have plenty of time before it becomes a serious issue - for the love of god, ditch this "alpha/beta" bollocks. It's not a healthy way to view the world and it's a massive load of crap. While you're at it, quit using terms like "close with a phone number" and any other /r/seduction wankerisms.
You're still forming your worldview and attitudes and habits - don't grow up to be one of those fucking try-hard wannabe dickheads.
There's more to being a confident guy than some unwarranted "I'm so alpha bro" arrogance. If you're self-assured and comfortable with yourself, it will shine way brighter than some transparent affectation (what is it that the idiots say? "fake it til you make it"? yeah - that's bollocks).
If you're trying to put on some bullshit "alpha" front, it's clear to everyone that you're anything but.
JeroenWing: His s/n is "LegendaryGuy1". He's already a lost cause.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406364684 | 1406367388 | t3_2brng8 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Bnlol1: TIFU by leaving my door open
So this was wednesday. I had to take the trash can to the curb, so i went out to grab it. I forgot to close my door on the way out.
Friday morning, i realise i havent seen one of my cats, and after some searching realise he isn't in the house. I searched for him, left some food out, and contacted all the animal shelters with his face. No avail.
So now my cat ive had 9 years is missing, all because i left the door open. Fuck. Ive left the door open before but he's never tried to run outside before.
Though i doubt anyone can find him heres a photo, just in case anyone does see him somehow http://imgur.com/ZG9ClZp
He's a medium black and brown tabby cat who responds to "Nochi" (pronounced No-Chee)
[deleted]: Don't worry OP. This has happened to me and several of my friends before.
My cat was gone for four days. One of my friends' cat was away for a week. They both came home safe. Cats are pretty smart. They usually know how to get home. They just explore for a while.
Is he chipped by any chance?
Bnlol1: No chip. And thanks. It just kind of makes you scared something will happen to them.
[deleted]: I know. :/
It was quite frightening for me at first too.
I wish you and your cat the best! I hope he comes home safe and soon, it's evident you care about him. :)
Also: listen for meowing at the door, especially during the nights. My cat came home at 3 a.m. and was meowing his head off at my front door.
Bnlol1: I'll try. Ive got thick doors and sleep on the second floor. I might end up having to sleep on the couch downstairs so i can hear it better.
[deleted]: My friend just sent me some advice to give to you:
"If you normally feed your cat at similar times every day, then go out and call for him around his meal time. Cats being cats, will never want to miss eating when they can help it. This is how my cat came home."
We both wish you the best of luck.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1406369341 | 1406444159 | t3_2brqmt | t5_2to41 | 74 | [deleted]: TIFU by admiring myself naked in front of the neighbors
This week has been unbearably warm. I'm not one to strut around the house naked, but my parents weren't home (or so I thought) and I was sweating profusely, so I decided to strip down. I'm feeling pretty good about myself at this point; my internet friend pretty much confessed his love for me (or that's how I decided to take his comment that he "really enjoys chatting" with me) and I chuckle at the fact that he has no idea I'm hunched over my computer screen butt naked and clammy as hell as he's telling me he enjoys my virtual company.
So I'm naked and in my desk chair finishing up a game of DOTA 2; I'm a little butt flustered after getting yelled at by angry Peruvians, and I'm still sweating bullets. Nevertheless, I'm feeling pretty confident about myself, at least in my internet chatting abilities. Standing up, glistening ass cheeks sticking to my cheap plastic chair, I figure I should take a cold shower.
Now I'm also not the kind of person to stand in front of my mirror and admire myself, but I ended up doing that while walking towards the bathroom, since I don't normally see myself in the nude. I kind of wondered "would this guy think I have nice tits?" Well, I suppose I decided that my bedroom mirror wasn't adequate enough for full viewage of my hardly impressive physique, so I grab a small mirror from the bathroom and walk out into our upstairs hallway, which has a full-length mirror. My back is facing the full-length mirror and I lift the small mirror so that I can properly see my disappointing ass. Still, I decide to spin around a bit to take it all in, and I strut back and forth for a while to witness what it looks like to see my backside as I'm walking away. I'm instantly filled with disappointment and decide to start doing squats every day until I see improvements.
It's around noon and I conclude that it's the perfect time to start my 100-rep squat workout. I do this in place, staring at my butt the entire time because I'm still holding the mirror, and why not. Feeling a little noodley after the squats, I attempt to strut into our small many-windowed office, still looking at my butt in the small mirror because the full-length mirror is directly behind me, I notice that all of the windows are open. Wide open. This room might as well not have walls. I glance to the left and stare straight down into my neighbor's backyard, where I then make eye contact with about five gawking guys around my age, who all happen to be sitting at a table facing the general direction of my house. I grunt something along the lines of "fucker, tit, tit, tit, ass, bitch, fuck", spin around, hit my knee on the door frame, and stumble out of the office. Then I see my dad in the next room over, just waking up from a nap due to my grunts and strange noises. He doesn't ask why I was completely nude and carrying a mirror into his office.
Later that day, when I was sure the neighbors were no longer in their backyard, I went outside (fully clothed) and looked up at my house to see if my hallway squat spot was visible from the ground. It was. So I've decided that I'm never leaving my bedroom or taking my clothes off, ever again.
tl;dr I'm upstairs, naked and doing squats, and my neighbors see
BallinBudda: Guys don't gawk at disappointing asses. Take this event as a compliment.
Source: am guy.
DJPaperPlates: Can confirm.
Source: am guy as well
beastsquirrel: So am I. Confirmed.
RaveNCrow3: Confirmed. Also of the male species.
K9254579: Confirmed again. Also of the male species.
anonymity_is_bliss: I gawk at fat people!
Source: am a member of the species "homo sapiens sapiens" with a phallus.
| 7 | 10.571429 | |
1406375729 | 1406445726 | t3_2brs5t | t5_2to41 | 1,031 | McBr0de: At my old kitchen job we used to actually say "HOT BOOTY" for this. The standard response was "ES LA VERDAD" ("it's the truth")
SweSox: "It is known."
Mattdr46: It is known
Weekndr: Known it is
OneObstacle: "Verdad es la."
Gold_4_No_Reason: :)
Meltingteeth: >Redditor for 13 hours
>helped pay for 93.24 hours of reddit server time.
You're a good person.
Gold_4_No_Reason: :)
GMY0da: Jesus christ. Almost every thread I've been on today, you're there, just giving gold. I swear, you're supporting Reddit's servers on your own! You're awesome.
userdeath: He's secretly building an army.
Gold_4_No_Reason: Shh! Can't let people in on my plan :)
GMY0da: Just you wait, I'm going to gild you
Gold_4_No_Reason: You took too long :)
GMY0da: I will be back, as soon as I get money!
E-this was my first gilding, thank you
Gold_4_No_Reason: No need to gild me. I don't expect nor request gold in exchange!
GMY0da: Yeah, doing it anyway. Keep it up, you're cool
Gold_4_No_Reason: If you are dead set on it, then thanks for the eventual gold!
| 17 | 60.647059 | |
1406378396 | 1406384975 | t3_2brxcs | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by moving my bed downstairs
I live in a 4 bedroom house. My 3 roommates have already moved out into their new places so I've had the house to myself for two weeks, and have one more week to go.
The upstairs, where my overly massive bedroom is, got reallllly hot. We used to have AC problems but got "fixed" a few weeks ago. I thought those problems were back and decided not to worry about it/deal with it so I brought my bed downstairs.
It's a huge bed and it was no easy task getting it down. It took merely 2 hours getting it up last time because of the small staircase, with 3 people helping.
Just before falling asleep last night, I went upstairs again to look at the thermometer and just this time did I realize/remember that I had turned the AC off that morning because I was going to have the windows open.
Now my bed is downstairs for no reason, and I don't like it.
DETRITUS_TROLL: Look at it this way.
At least when you move out your be is already downstairs.
[deleted]: That was my first/initial thought when doing it.
But I still want my bed in the comfort of my own room with my tv/shower/computer/xbox all up there.
Thinking about getting out of bed right now and busting balls to get this thing back upstairs.
It took 3 people, a little pulley system, and some breaks to get it up the first time.
Now, I won't be as high/have ALL THE DETERMINATION IN THE WORLD to do it...
DETRITUS_TROLL: Why not bring all that stuff down as well, obviously not the shower, but everything else?
[deleted]: I guess it really is just the sense that it's "*My* room" you know.
I'm HUGE into natural lighting of rooms and this bedroom/bathroom combo with windows on all sides of the house is the best I've ever been in
Edit: hopefully my next reply is from my bed.... Upstairs again
DETRITUS_TROLL: Then why move out?
[deleted]: closer to campus
DETRITUS_TROLL: Fair enough.
| 8 | 2.375 | |
1406379325 | 1406488992 | t3_2bry5c | t5_2to41 | 18 | ThomastheTackle: TIFU by Trusting Someone
Pre-Warning: This post isn't particularly funny, unless you find betrayal humorous, in which case I would recommend Mr. Martin's "A Game of Thrones."
Although today was the day I received a colossal knife in my back, this story reaches back to almost the beginning of November. Today, sadly enough, was when I realized that I had fucked up.
Back in November, amidst the daily challenges of being a Senior in high school, I was struggling to balance a hefty athletic schedule, as well as being in both choir and our school's musical (We performed "Shrek", I played Donkey). As the stress padded, I began spending time with a girl whom I became friends with over our shared passion for the same types of music. I had known this girl for quite a while, we both live in a small town, but I had never really gotten to know her. I found her incredibly attractive, she was very down to Earth and pretty cool to hang out with. As time went on, we were together more and more, and I found myself falling for her.
As I prepared to ask her out officially, I learned of some rough past she had with an ex-boyfriend. It was one of those lingering-knife-wound type ex-boyfriends, but I was bound and determined to win this girl over. After a while, she made the statement that she was done loving him, and wanted to continue her life with me. For most, that comment would come across as total bullshit, but if you knew her, you would know bullshit isn't something she wastes time on. I was happy, really happy, to say the least, and I was excited for my newfound relationship.
As we moved on, we began sleeping together, and I found myself becoming more and more attached to her. There was one problem though, she insisted on hanging with that same ex, as they had recently become friends. Figuring that he had done enough shit to her to keep her loyal, as well as not wanting to be the overbearing type, I was cool with it. It hit me hard a month later to find out she was still sleeping with him. It was something I should have seem coming, and I was pissed at her, and at myself. However, she was the one to inform me, as her guilt had gotten the better of her. The sincerity of her voice, the tears in her eyes, and her demeanor, completely negated all anger I felt, and I found myself forgiving her, despite what every fiber in my mind told me. We decided to move on, and she promised she was done with him.
The next couple months were rebuilding trust, and she was obviously trying very hard. We became closer and closer, and I found myself starting to use love to define how I felt. Things were looking incredible, I was soon headed to college and we were planning on staying together. That is, until last night. She was going to hang out with that Ex, again, and despite what my gut told me, I actually trusted her. I told her that I trusted her, hoping that the guilt of betrayal might keep her loyal, should he try anything. I had also slept with her before she left, to try and mark my territory. Before she left, she said I was acting really distant. I tried to conceal my jealousy and worry, because I didn't want to be THAT guy. As I got home, I sent her a text informing her that I trusted her, and to have fun.
I woke up this morning to a text; not from her, but her Ex using her phone to get to me. He informed me that she was naked, in his bed, and that he had taken her phone while she was asleep. The next text I had was from her, informing me she felt so bad, wanted to die, was so sorry, understood if I hated her, ect.
Currently, I'm on here, typing my story for Reddit to see, because I'm having trouble understanding why people throw away trust so easily. I know I was dumb enough to trust her twice, but I've always been a forgiving person. I am literally sick to my stomach, and am oh-so pissed.
TL;DR
I trusted a girl, she cheated, I forgave, she cheated. "These hoes aint loyal" now my number one played song on iTunes.
*Sorry If this is on the wrong subreddit or something, first post for me.*
EDIT- Thanks to everyone on here, having a community discussion actually made me feel a lot better, and I've come to peace with it all. I understand a lot of what I did was stupid, but hey, I'll throw it in the fuck it bucket.
[deleted]: Wow, that sucks. Her ex sounds like a manipulative asshole, and she sounds rather weak to it.
ThomastheTackle: He is, and it pissed me off because when I began talking to her, he decided he wanted her again. Before that, he wanted nothing to do with her. Fuck him.
[deleted]: Wow, what a scumbag. Hopefully she comes to her senses and gets the hell away from him.
[deleted]: Why is he the scumbag you're focused on? Why does she need to get away from him? She's just as bad or worse than him. Why do her good graces need to be preserved? Fuck her. (Not literally).
[deleted]: You have a very good point there. She is doing this to herself by going back to that guy, so maybe they deserve each other.
edit: My initial thought was that, from what little I know about her, she sounds like she may have grown up in an abusive environment and doesn't have the volition to avoid going back to another abusive place. This is all speculation though. For all I know, she could be a masochist.
ThomastheTackle: She was date raped by a guy she was dating her freshman year, but since they were dating and such, it was something she didn't realize for months. That really messed her up.
Edit: Maybe that's why I don't blame her as much. I feel like it her ex's that have destroyed her mentally. Doesn't make it any less her fault, but I'm able to forgive her.
[deleted]: Oh yeah, that would definitely have caused some serious trauma. I'm sorry that this ended up the way it did, but it's good to hear that you're moving forward from it.
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1406381111 | 1406417553 | t3_2brzw4 | t5_2to41 | 281 | Throooowaway12: TIFU by having sex that was too rough (final update)
Previous post
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bl0ur/tifu_by_having_sex_that_was_too_rough_update/
Hey everyone! I was going to update yesterday but I decided that sleeping and playing skyrim was more important so that's what I did.
Anyways, I went to the urologist and he looked at everything and it turns out that it is indeed urethral diverticulitis. I have to have surgery on Tuesday to get the little pocket of infection that's growing on my peehole.
I am very lucky that they caught this so early. He told me it's still like, REALLY early so surgery will be out patient and only take like an hour or two. The sex make it inflamed and that's how everything got started.
I texted him today and finally told him that he didn't break me he actually saved me so he's going to drive back down here to visit me while I'm in recovery.
In the meantime I'll be taking my pain medicine and playing skyrim until I go full retard and start drooling at my desk. Thanks for all the support everyone. I am going to be okay. I learned that sex saves lives so everyone please get laid. Especially when your body is so frustrated you cry at work.
wwoodi: You really know how to milk a made up story
Throooowaway12: Do you want proof m8
wwoodi: yes
Throooowaway12: Okay, I'm out buying cupcakes and then I'll go home and take a picture of the paperwork.
| 5 | 56.2 | |
1406380803 | 1406396377 | t3_2brzlp | t5_2to41 | 5 | throwawayfriendsis: TIFU...friend caught me with his sister
throwawayfriendsis: I should also mention she has a boyfriend who isn't me...
RaveNCrow3: Now that right there. That's where the fuck up begins.
throwawayfriendsis: Yea...oddly enough that tends to happen...kind of a bad person
Daveswaffles: I dunno, she was sober and went along with it. You don't seem like the bad person in this situation.
| 5 | 1 | |
1406382280 | 1406382892 | t3_2bs12c | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating with an electric toothbrush.
On my period as of right now, and I just scared the shit out of myself 10 minutes ago.
I was fucking myself with the bottom part of my electric tooth brush in the shower, and when I took it out.... I noticed the [bottom](http://www.toothshop.co.nz/ic/3746759511/Colgate360SurroundSonicPower.jpg) was missing. Scared shitless, I shoved my finger inside and felt around. Yep, it was inside pretty deep.
I managed to take it out with my finger after two minutes of trying. Threw that toothbrush away. Never again.
Ladies... Don't penetrate yourself with an electric toothbrush. Nearly cried.
ahipple: You know, I heard a rumor once that there were devices built for just that very purpose, most of which are designed so that sort of thing won't happen.
EnigmaticAmarok: Huh news to me...
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1406385309 | 1406439043 | t3_2bs4in | t5_2to41 | 114 | milkybarbitch: TIFU by creating a blow job incentive program (BIP)
I'm a big rugby fan. So when I found out my boyfriend was playing this year I decided to create a blow job incentive program at the beginning of the season.
Win = 1 blow job
No injuries = 1 blow job
+1 blow job for every try
Turns out him and his team have had a great season and I got lock jaw multiple times.
robly18: Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you as a girlfriend.
AshGrillo: Also lucky he plays for a great team
DZCreeper: I bet he told his team and they played their fucking best just for OP's boyfriend.
| 4 | 28.5 | |
1406378017 | 1406393762 | t3_2brx18 | t5_2to41 | 32 | schlauncha: TIFU by eating sugar-free wafer cookies
Here is the email I submitted in the "Contact Us" page for Voortman cookies, regarding their Cookies'n Creme wafers I recently bought:
I have always been a fan of wafer cookies like this, and was excited to see this new flavor I hadn't seen before. I came home and did some computer work, while casually munching on a few. Very good.
This morning around 3:00AM, and approximately every half hour afterward until around 7:00AM, I proceeded to have the most violent diarrhea I have had since the fall of 2005. The most shocking part was that it was so GREEN! I mean, explosive expulsion of fluid is one thing, but for it to come out as green as my lawn, that's the part that had me considering if I should quickly start writing up a will. After a few hours my digestive system calmed down, or rather, ran out of ammunition, and I am just left with sore ab muscles from the work they have been doing in expelling your product.
A little bit ago, relaxing on my unplanned day home from work, I started pondering if this stemmed from the cookies. There were 5 left in the package, and then I noticed on the back label, "Excess consumption may cause a laxative effect." Well there's the problem!
Given the ratio of deliciousness to unexpected laxative, I will be sure to buy more of your product to leave out as snacks for guests, or even bring over to my friends homes when tasked with contributing food for a meal. Because everyone needs to loosen up and enjoy some time off now and then, which is exactly what this does, and what results.
Thank you for innovating a new and delicious flavor of wafer cookie, even if it caused me to briefly believe that I was dying.
-(Schlauncha)
shard3: Get some sugar-free gummi bears too, guaranteed to end a few friendships.
schlauncha: See, I knew all about those, and I figure most people do. But these, most people wouldn't expect these to do what those gummy bears are well known for. And while I can't see myself munching on too many gummy bears normally, these cookies'n creme wafer cookies are so delicious that it's easy to lose count. And then suffer bowel explosions.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1406388940 | 1406397110 | t3_2bs915 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying alcohol at Wal-mart
Today I went to Wal-mart to buy a few items for my new apartment. I picked up some milk, cereal, frozen veggies and pizzas, some new curtains, utensils, some juice, etc. I also grabbed a 12 pack of mixed craft beers. Going well so far.
During this time I was with my cousin and brother who were accompanying me on this shopping trip. Being wal-mart, they had two registers open and a huge line at each, so my cousin and brother went to wait in the car.
When I got up to the register, I was ambushed by a shrill wal-mart employee who said this:
"I'm only going to have this conversation once. If you try this again I'm calling the town police. You are buying underaged (her words)".
I then informed her that I'm in my mid 20s and certainly not underage. She responded:
"I've been following you around since you got the beer, you were with two boys and I heard you tell them to leave the store before you came to the register".
I explained that I was simply buying a 12 pack for myself and the fact that I was with younger people doesn't mean I'm going to give them the beer. I also said that if I were going to buy alcohol for underaged people, I would simply go to the store by myself, and definitely wouldn't be buying expensive craft beer. The shrill lady continued her spiel about how I was with two boys and so must be buying for underaged people.
Apparently I'm not only a criminal, but a dumb criminal.
At this point a calmer loss prevention guy/manager came up and said "You're an adult, you know better than to buy alcohol when you have minors around." I responded that there is absolutely no law against buying alcohol when you have minors with you, and having minors with me is no grounds for threatening to call the police on me, especially when this is simply a wal-mart discretionary store policy.
The shrill lady didn't say anything after this, and I just left my cart and exited the store. I then went to Target and had no issues at all. I fucked up by going to that wal-mart shithole in the first place. I hope the shrill lady had fun restocking the stuff as she clearly had too much time on her hands.
smashedbotatos: Call 1-800-Walmart and complain about the rude employees. What they did is against store policy.
Call_me_Kelly: Really? I doubt that. Many stores have a policy that you can't purchase alcohol when accompanied by minors.
[deleted]: > Really? I doubt that. Many stores have a policy that you can't purchase alcohol when accompanied by minors.
Like hell they do, if they did people with fucking kids would not be able to buy fucking alcohol at "many stores". If someone told me that I couldn't buy alcohol because one of my kids was with me, that would be their last fucking day of employment.
Call_me_Kelly: http://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&source=android-browser&hl=en-US&q=store+policy+can%27t+buy+alcohol+when+accompanied+by+minor
[deleted]: > http://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&source=android-browser&hl=en-US&q=store+policy+can%27t+buy+alcohol+when+accompanied+by+minor[1]
You should try reading some of those links before using them to aid your story. Maybe they get away with that shit in some other countries, but not in fucking 'merka, oh hell no.
#FAIL
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1406384947 | 1406483887 | t3_2bs42u | t5_2to41 | 24 | ThrowingAway_Trash: TIFU By saying I wanted to break up but not actually wanting to.
Yes, I was that person, the person all of you talk about. I said we should think about breaking up because we were both so frustrated. I don't want to and I don't know why I said it
Long Story short:
We were in the process of moving in together. Both of us were scared since its such a big step but we had discussed it a lot. We started arguing about something stupid and I blurted out maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. s/o said maybe your right. After realizing what had just happened it was too late s/o had left. next time we saw each other was for s/o to move thing out. Now I don't know whats going to happen. Told s/o I don't want to and i shouldn't have said it. I wish i could take it back.
TheSecretSoul: Do not just wait and see what happens! If this would be me i'd wish he'd fight for me... flowers are a good start ;)
ThrowingAway_Trash: i don't think he would like flowers
kitsumu: Is it wrong that I'm a dude and would think it'd be really sweet if my girl gave me flowers?
ThrowingAway_Trash: you're right its a kind gesture and a good way of apologizing regardless of your sex. I just ordered a single rose to be delivered with a note. s/o is over 2 hours away and i don't have any means of transportation. thank you.
kitsumu: That's nice of you and I'm glad you're making an effort to set things right. Best of luck!
TheSecretSoul: Yup totally thought s/o is a girl ;) good luck!
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1406389777 | 1406799581 | t3_2bsa66 | t5_2to41 | 124 | thedloan: TIFU by getting naked. NSFW
I own a small business, and was recently talking to a former employee who had left last year to pursue a career as a yoga teacher. She's a young woman in her mid-20s. I'm a 50ish male. She told me that she has been studying a form of massage/body treatment and that she needs to have a certain number of hours of clinical experience in order to continue her training at the next level.
She has been recruiting friends and family to be the subjects of her treatments, and is offering a sharply reduced rate because she’s still a student and can’t advertise yet.
I arranged to have an hour treatment with her, and we agreed on a time and the place. She suggested I wear loose shorts.
When I arrived, she brought me to a typical clinical massage room with a table draped in a sheet. She told me to hang my things up. I was surprised she stayed in the room while I undressed, but I’m not body conscious so I stripped to my shorts.
Being used to having registered massage therapy while fully nude but under the sheet, I said, “So...shorts on?”
“Whatever you’re comfortable with,” she said.
“I’m more comfortable without them, but I don’t want you to be creeped out. Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Go ahead.”
I dropped my shorts and picked them up, folding them to place them on a stool behind me. Naked, I turned back to face her.
“Oh my,” she said. “I didn’t think it would be that big!” and began touching...
OK, that last part isn’t true. After I turned back towards her, I found her looking stressed with her face turned up and away.
“I thought you had something under them!” she said. “Put them back on!”
I did so, and apologized. I explained that I’ve been a social nudist for a long time and being naked in front of someone isn’t a big deal for me – that’s why I asked. We both laughed about it, and the rest of the session was fine. I discovered that part of what she does is to examine things like how I stand, bend over, etc while holding my feet – clearly, not the most comfortable thing for either of us if I was nude.
Things are cool now – we’ve already booked a second session.
TL/DR: My former employee and I miscommunicated and I got nakie in her face.
Zeev89: For some reason, I read the last bit as "I got nakie in her facie." and am now giggling like an idiot.
simpleassthat: as I read "giggling like an idiot" I began doing the same. Facie. Lolz.
MrOCD: Even more shameful was the fact that I had to bury my face in my pillow to stop the giggles.
| 4 | 31 | |
1406380735 | 1406393735 | t3_2brzj6 | t5_2to41 | 29 | kidneystoneslayer: TIFU by playing pool
As with most posts on this subreddit, this did not happen today. Quite a while ago, in fact, when I was 4 years old.
I grew up living two hours away from my grandparents who lived in a quaint little town in central Indiana. We didn't get to see them often, so all visits were a big deal. One weekend many moons ago, my mother, my two sisters, and I loaded into the minivan and drove the two hours to visit Mammaw and Pappaw. We were staying for a few days so we were all very excited. The trips continues as normal and everything is running smoothly. That was, until day number three.
On day number three of our little visitation, I woke up feeling like a little asswipe. Just one of those days. Ya know, where the world is just pissing you the fuck off. Well on this day, my mother and sisters left to go visit some great uncle or something and I refused to go. I was staying with my grandparents. I didn't really want to just stay and talk with them, I just didn't want to go with my mom. So I head into my grandparents' basement which was rarely used, full of boxes, and happened to be the place of banishment for loud and obnoxious toys.
Seeing as I was a pissy little 4 year old that day, I went to play with said loud and obnoxious toys, but they just weren't cutting it that day. I decided that I would blow off some steam by throwing around some pool balls on the pool table. It was no big deal, Pappaw and the grandkids had spent many hours horsing around on this very table. However, there was one small hitch to it, the floor wasn't exactly level. If you set a ball on it, it would roll. This pool table was also set up so that when a ball was sunk into a pocket, a slightly angled track used gravity to pull all the balls to a rack at one end of the table. This combination of a floor that was not level and a slightly slanted track that depended on the floor being level made for the occasional mishap. If the ball wasn't going fast enough, it would stop rolling before it reached the rack at the end of the table. Normally it was no big deal because someone would just lift the end of the table and it would continue rolling.
In my little fury of throwing around pool balls, one became stuff roughly 2.5 feet (yes, I'm American and we use the imperial system, kill me) from one pocket. Being a little macho 4 year old that didn't want to call on his grandfather for help decided to crawl onto the face of the table and stick his arm in the pocket to try to grab the ball and pull it out. I just couldn't reach it, but I just kept reaching and pushing my arm in until I realized that I was up to my shoulder and I couldn't move. It was wedged in there like Peter North's penis in a virgin asshole.
I didn't want my grandparents to know that I'd been crawling on the pool table so I just kept quite and tried to wriggle out. No such luck. After a good 30 minutes, my granpappy yells down to ask if everything is ok and of course I tell him I'm doing fine. Another 15 minutes later he came down and he really had no idea what the fuck was going on. After yanking on me a little bit, he realized that we were going to need something slippery. (He was 70, he didn't have any lube you fucking pervert.) He cried out, "DOLORES, GET THE GODDAMN BUTTER. OUR GRANDSON IS STUCK IN THE POOL TABLE." She had to come down to investigate before actually going to get the butter and we slathered that on like Irish redheads slather on sunscreen. It didn't work. My shoulder and upper arm was covered in butter and that shit wasn't budging. It also didn't help that I was crying at this point because that's what 4 year olds do.
So we really don't know what to do at this point. We're desperate. Pappaw calls up the neighbor with the phone upstairs and I just hear the word "jigsaw." I'm bawling. I believe they're going to cut my arm off. Next thing I know, there's an old man that I've never met before with a saw that is an inch from my fucking arm. He's cutting through the pool table top and I was certain he was going to amputate me at the shoulder. After a few minutes of this mentally scaring experience, I'm free from the entrapment of now my least favorite game on earth. Lasting impact: I'm terrified of jigsaws and becoming an amputee, I hate playing pool, and there's a massive fucking hole in my grandparents' pool table.
Tl;dr Pool ball got stuck under tabletop, arm stuck in pool table pocket, am now terrified of jigsaws.
Arkal: There's this movie called Jigsaw. I think you would like it.
kidneystoneslayer: Fuck no
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1406391022 | 1406400541 | t3_2bsbuq | t5_2to41 | 93 | zethrowawayyy: TIFU by letting my brother into my bedroom (possibly NSFW)
Note: Not sure if this is actually NSFW, but went ahead and tagged it just in case...
This actually happened last night, but it was not until about 10 minutes ago did I realize my colossal fuck up.
Some background. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year now. Within that time we have been very open with one another about our wants and needs, particularly that of the intimate nature. He was open to me about wanting to try pegging, or having me in a strap on, and after some time to warm up to the idea, I agreed and we recently purchased our first toy. I actually found the experience enjoyable; not necessarily because the act itself did anything for me, but from knowing how much pleasure he was getting out of it and the amount of trust we both have in each other to try new things like that. 10/10 would do again.
Anyway, so here recently we had experimented with our toy some more while he was over at my apartment, things went well, the toy was cleaned off afterwards and that was that. Except I forgot to hide it.
My brother and I live together; or more so that he lives on one side of the building and I live on the other. We share a washer and dryer, and he sometimes comes over to my side to chill. Yesterday he came over with a bundle of my laundry in tow and asked me if I wanted him to just drop it off in my bed room. I said sure, thanked him, and thought nothing of it. This morning I woke up, showered, fed the cat, and went about my business until I came back in my room. There was my pile of laundry my brother had dropped off, and not two feet away was there mine and my boyfriend's strap on, sitting in broad daylight, with some lube nearby. I spent the next minute or so laughing hysterically (not sure if it was because I actually find the situation hilarious, or because I'm that mortified). I don't recall him saying anything or reacting in any way, but perhaps he just has a really good poker face. At this point, I have no idea if he actually saw it or if he wasn't paying attention and didn't notice. At this point, I'm too scared to find out.
**TL;DR: Boyfriend and I bought a strap on and tried it out in my room. Little brother dropped off laundry in my room last night, a couple of days after the deed was done. Realized today that the toy was sitting out in broad daylight. No idea if he noticed or not and too embarrassed to find out.**
Judgemenot1: Haha! Your brother knows you're a freak!
zethrowawayyy: *a lady on the streets and a freak in the bed*
TheJonesSays: Sheets* "Bed" is misspelled.
sexualkangaroo: It's a song.
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1406391164 | 1406405890 | t3_2bsc2i | t5_2to41 | 6 | NogardDerorrim: TIFU by cutting one tiny wire in my truck and now all kinds of stuff is screwed up as a result.
I bought my SO's grandpa's old pickup truck about a month ago and it's still in fairly good shape and has low mileage so I couldn't pass it up. There is a problem somewhere between the door alarm and the ignition switch that makes the stupid thing ding incessantly. I decided to correct the issue by simply cutting the 12V constant that is wired into the switch on the door. Problem solved right? As suspected the annoying dings went away immediately and I was happy with the result. Or so I thought. When we left to run some errands in the truck I now noticed that the interior cab lights don't come on but figured it was due to the truck now thinking the door was in a constant closed state. To make matters worse the radio is no longer working and the speedometer is not doing a goddamned thing. I have checked all of the pertinent fuses and everything seems to be in order. I have no idea what could have caused those things to malfunction if I only cut the door wire. I have since re-soldered the wire back together however nothing was corrected by doing so. I still have no door alarm, lights, speedometer or radio. The radio itself kinda works though, it appears to have power but the display won't show the time/station and it has a static sound when I turn it on. The truck is a 93 Ford F-150. If anyone has any ideas on what I can try to troubleshoot next and get it corrected I would be most grateful. I really don't want to spend my whole weekend trying to unfuck myself. Help me r/TIFU, you're my only hope...
TL;DR: Cut one wire on the door switch and now the speedometer, radio and interior lights won't work and the fuses all appear fine.
EDIT: Grammar
UPDATE: It was one small obscure fuse. I have unfucked myself and can get back to a lazy Saturday of drinking beer. I'd like to thank my gf's better-than-mine Googlefu for helping make it possible.
lolatu54: You probably caused the cpu to error when you cut the wire. Try disconnecting the battery and leave it for a half an hour. When you reconnect the battery the cpu should reset. Good luck!
NogardDerorrim: Thanks, It's disconnected now (before I cut anything else). Fortunately I checked every fuse and found the culprit. I'm goind to leave it disconnected until I now get the wiring properly cut and spliced. As I should have donr the first time but got ahead of myself. At least now the rest of the weekend can be better spent drinking beer and not doing auto mechanics.
lolatu54: Cool hope it works out. Some of my best weekends have been spent drinking beer and doing auto mechanics ⊙﹏⊙
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406387696 | 1406478423 | t3_2bs7d1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | tanbu: TIFU by using facebook at an internet café
... and probably not remembering to log off, let alone use private browsing mode. Now I'm being used by some click farmer, and I'm following a whole bunch of random jackoffs. Fuck fuck fuck. I'll be stuck at my comp unliking and unfollowing a whole lot today. *And* I'll have to change my password, which will cause me another headache.
This is actually the newest in a long fucking string of facebook fuck-ups, the worst being caving into my mother's demands in being able to use my account for [popular facebook game]. I wish I could just profusely apologise to every one of my "friends" for filling up their feeds with absolute shit.
Srylken: You know you can go to setting somewhere on facebook, google it I don't remember where, and "sign out of all other locations"
redoverture: This is true. Go to Settings>Security I believe. It will show all live sessions. Do it quick, and change your password before he does.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406395696 | 1406484229 | t3_2bsiul | t5_2to41 | 784 | Mullicant: TIFU by slightly cooking my penis
So me and my girlfriend had just gotten back from a hike. We get into her apartment and our plan was that she was going to start cooking dinner while I go take a quick shower. Naturally, I strip all my clothes off right in the middle of the living room and waggle my junk around as usual. That's just how our relationship works. She then goes and turns on the rear left burner of the electric stove to boil a pot of water. I see a funny joke in the making so I strut my nakedness over to the stove area while she has her back turned while cooking. Like any guy would do, I jokingly raise up my penis and slap it onto the front stove burner as if she was going to have that for dinner. But what neither of us realized was that she had turned on the front left burner by mistake. My dick gets slapped onto a burning stove top which sends some very shocking pain through me and my member as I begin to scream. We both look at each other and then at the stove dials to see that I had just slightly cooked my penis. I go running into the shower and just stand in ice cold water healing my damaged manhood and failed joke attempt. As I was showering, i was thinking how I just did for free what most guys wouldn't even do for a decent sum of money. It sucked in the moment but at least I got a funny story out of it. Had a browned undershaft for about a week. All better now.
TLDR: I slapped my bare penis onto a burning electric stove top, browning the underside
saviorlito: *Well done.*
achaps81: I would say medium rare
obi_wan_knobie: False. Blue is what I'd call it.
anonymity_is_bliss: I didn't see that cumming.
vaginal_manslaughter: You won't for a while.
anonymity_is_bliss: Ba-dum-tiss
13isaacz1: Da-bum-tiss ;)
ThatGuaxi: Doesn't apply here
| 9 | 87.111111 | |
1406396027 | 1406398093 | t3_2bsjd8 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: [TIFU] by punching a condescending co-workers lights out!
[deleted]: Hey you, guy! Put your fucking glasses on before you go in the cooler so you will see that the fucking eggs aren't in the fucking cooler god damn it! He probably wasn't even terminated because you hit him meaning that he could have fucked you up and it would have been self defense. What kind of fucking person punches someone for being talked down too anyway.
King_330: A person with a very small penis.
[deleted]: > A person with a very small penis.
Yup, what a piece of shit.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406397177 | 1406397761 | t3_2bslad | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my pet snake sleep outside the cage.
First post, excuse the rough patches!
Background: I have a pet boa constrictor, and we are about the same height/weight (5'2", ~100lbs.)
Fuck up: So I have had this pet boa for a few years and it is very fun to have around. Over the years I have learned the ins and outs of snake ownership, and so as long as I am not expecting guests, he is allowed free-range of the house, whether I am at work, milling about, or sleeping. The only definite time the snake stays in the cage are when the parents visit or when its time to play cat-and-mouse (a.k.a. feeding time).
Recently, something I found really cute is that he will sleep with me on my bed, fulling stretched out alongside me, tail hanging off the edge of the bed (I would provide pictures but I am asleep usually!). I also noticed that he hasn't been eating, however, for maybe 2 weeks or more. As a worried pet owner, I took him to the vet, and the vet started on quite an interesting line of questioning (not eating? lays out totally flat alongside you rather than curling up? etc.)
Apparently in nature, this behavior happens when a snake has the opportunity to eat something really big. It will compare itself against a carcass in order to see if it can fit it in. My first question, obviously, was, "What could it possibly be trying to eat?" The vet looks at me until suddenly it clicks... I WAS ITS PRAY. Needless to say, the trust we had has dwindled a little bit. Not sure exactly what I am planning on doing with it now...
TL;DR my snake was planning on eating me.
diaperfullofpoop: This story is as old as time. Nice try though.
[deleted]: o.o I had no idea this was a common thing. Pets should come with owner's manuals!
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406397663 | 1406558651 | t3_2bsm03 | t5_2to41 | -1 | Umbrifer: TIFU by letting my dog walk off leash again
This happened yesterday evening, on my way to the liquor store, with 7 minutes to spare before it closed. I had a mission, obtain a 6 pack and maybe a bottle of vodka. It was a simple one, but where there was the liquor store, there was the cute girl who worked at the liquor store, so I brought my co-pilot with me. My miniature bulldog Remy who I've had for 4 years.
Now, The liquor store is within spitting distance from my house. And Remy and I have walked all over our town without me having to touch his leash once on many occasions. So on short trips that we've done before I usually just let it drop and drag on the ground while he walks beside me. This is what I did this time and it seemed to work fine. We were jogging toward the liquor store and he was keeping pace as usual.
There were two signs that he would bolt. The first was that I had to tell him more then once to run at my heel, he liked to run in front of me. The second was that when I slowed down he continued at speed. At this point I stopped and called him back to me. Remy looked at me, looked away, thought to himself in his little canine mind that now's the perfect time for a game of chase... and tore off into the street. It was a four lane street with a low concrete and brick median separating the two directions of traffic...He made it to the median alright. But then, for some reason he decided the game was over and tried to make his way back to me...He got maybe half a meter before a blue S.U.V. ran over his neck.
I ran into the streets and picked up his broken body, At this point I was frantic and made my way onto the sidewalk. Another driver saw what happened and offered to drive me to the nearest vet. I could feel Remy's heart beating weakly under my hands to I nodded wordlessly and jumped into his car. The nearest vet's was about 3 minutes down the road (I do not live in a huge town) ...but by that time I could feel that his heart had stopped beating. And the kicker? The vet was closed anyway.
The kind driver brought me home, where I made it through my front door before basically falling to my knees and weeping over the body of my side-kick. I don't know how long I was there. Couldn't have been a few minutes before my family found me. A huddled mess on the floor. Someone found one of those paper bags to put lawn litter in and put it in front of me. I placed his body in the bag and held in the tears long enough to express that he needed to be buried tonight. My Dad, My Sister and her Boyfriend drove me out to a nearby valley and I found a circle of trees that was off the path in which to bury him...
Needless to say I cried myself to sleep last night. Woke up. Opened my study materials, then cried again...So now I'm on reddit, sharing this memory with you guys.
[deleted]: I am sorry that your dog had to die because you thought it was okay to let him walk off leash.
Umbrifer: I understand your comment. But Remy didn't die because I thought it was OK to let him walk off leash. He died because in that moment, our training failed us, and I failed him as pack leader. If you are a dog owner I hope that you experience the feeling of walking confidently knowing that your pack is with you without having to be pulled along like slaves. That you are together moving as one. My mistake was not recognizing the signs that he would bolt quickly enough, not instilling better training in us both.
ladycoleopterist: Wow, sorry your dog is dead, truly, but you're an idiot. A well treated dog doesn't feel like a "slave" on a leash, they feel like they are having fun going on a walk. Obviously leashes exist for a reason, so your dog stays where it should be and doesn't go off chasing shit. It's for their own goddamn safety, and the safety of other dogs sometimes, like not giving babies toys they can choke on.
Umbrifer: I understand your comment, and I admit that I was inaccurate when using the word slave. I have no dispute with anything you have written down, however we most certainly have some differing interpretations of the nature of a leash, and of dogs. I agree with you, that leashes are a teaching tool. Where I imagine we differ, is that I believe, and have observed, that with training, time, and discipline, the leash can be forgone. Your dog's place is beside you until you express that it is alright to go off chasing shit, leash or no leash. To carry your analogy forward, at some point in their lives you trust the child not to put random things in their mouth because you believe you taught them sufficiently of the dangers. At some point, your teaching will be tested.
| 5 | -0.2 | |
1406399427 | 1406438921 | t3_2bsonp | t5_2to41 | 2,349 | Dixred: TIFU getting a BJ
So this technically did happen today, although my story starts yesterday. Last night I went to a party with a girl I have been seeing for a few weeks now, it was at her friends house and we both had a great time. We drank and danced by the fire, and I met many new and fun people. By the time the night was over we were both feeling pretty tipsy and I walk her back to her place, she invites me to stay the night and I obviously accept.
We were both feeling quite frisky and we started making out in her bed. A few minutes later (after I attempted to touch her lady parts) she mentions that she is on her period, so instead of having sex (we haven't had sex yet), she offers to give me a blow job, saying that she likes it and is good at it (she is). Not being a moron, I accept. So she goes downtown and it was absolutely amazing, probably the best I had ever had, I don't know how she did it, but she managed to make it last a solid 20 minutes. She would bring me right close to orgasm and then slow down, every time she did that it felt more and more intense, it was the most passionate and beautiful blow job I ever had. It's silly to say, but we connected on a very deep level during that blow job.
And so, finally I came, simultaneously ripping one of the loudest, most obnoxious farts I had ever heard coming out of my anus. Right into her face. I had no idea where the hell that came from and I instinctively pushed her head away in embarrassment, leaving my cumming penis free to spew semen all over her, my chest, her bed, and probably her ceiling. I was still in the midst of an orgasm and so my ass followed up with a second, equally violent and unreal flatulence, by then my mind was overloaded with confusion, embarrassment, and pure bliss from the orgasm that was still occurring. The only thing I could do was leave my ego behind and burst out laughing, causing pressure in my intestines which made me fart, again, a third and final time, this one just as strong as the two others.
We both lay there on the bed, covered in semen, I'm laughing and crying for what seemed to be hours while she remain confused, after which she asks me if I shit the bed, to which I answer that I didn't think so. We clean up and, surprisingly, she is still horny after that and gives me another blow job, this time I came without incident. Then we fell asleep. Her parents room is right next to hers so I'm sure they heard the whole ordeal, especially my farts. This morning was a little awkward with them.
TL;DR I ruined the ending of one of the best blow jobs in my life by shitting in my new girlfriend's face.
[deleted]: That was the best story I've ever read. Absolute classic, sounds like you have a keeper.
Dixred: Haha thanks! She is pretty nice, and I must say I like the way she handled the situation. I hope she'll forget about it soon though.
beagleboyj2: Trust me, she'll probably never let that down. Shit happens.
Dixred: http://www.badumtss.net/
kingeryck: da bum tiss
pusspunter: Why did you get gold?
Pravux: Cause it was clever as fuck . One of those comments where you skim by it thinking it was unoriginal. Then by the grace of God you somehow re-read it in time before scrolling down. As corny as it was it made me laugh.
pusspunter: explain this to me
Pconradreilly: Da bum (the buttocks) tiss (expel flatulence)
pusspunter: now i get it.
drewsufff: All right then. I appreciate your matter of factness.
| 12 | 195.75 | |
1406399882 | 1406400589 | t3_2bspb9 | t5_2to41 | 6 | 99demo: TIFU by forgetting my wife's birthday
stillyoinkgasp: Surprise her when she gets back. The day (or night) she's due to arrive have a nice dinner prepared, a couple of candles, and maybe a small "something" all wrapped up.
Tell her you wanted to let her know in person how much she means to you.
You can salvage this :)
99demo: Thanks, I'll try this
stillyoinkgasp: Life happens man, but it's the little things that can make someone feel truly important. It's difficult, but we need to remember as partners to remember the little things that matter to our spouse.
:)
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406403210 | 1406440445 | t3_2bsuhr | t5_2to41 | 39 | throwaway91102: TIFU by accidentally selling hundreds of fraudulent gift cards.
I've never actually posted anything on Reddit before, so I'm sorry if this isn't formatted very well.
This wasn't exactly today, but I felt like I really needed to tell someone what's going on with me right now.
So about two months ago, I don't even remember how I found out about it, but I found incredibly discounted gift cards for a popular restaurant chain for sale at a gigantic discount on an online bitcoin auction site.
Being the idiot that I am, I didn't really think twice about it and bought a few of them since they were so cheap. The merchant was very nice, and quick to respond. He sent me the card numbers and security codes in a private message, and guess what? They worked!
After that, I came up with the brilliant(See: Stupid) idea to purchase the cards, use them to buy physical cards in stores and then turn around and sell them on eBay. It was easy money. Never did I wonder where the cards were coming from. Not really, anyway. I considered that it might be from a company that held a stock of cards to be used as promotions or perhaps bonuses for employees. Maybe that company went under and now their supplies are being liquidated. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I was just trying to justify it to myself. As if that would ever happen on this massive of a scale. But at the time it didn't matter to me. At age 22 I was earning more than most people make in a week, per day. And while doing that, I was offering a pretty nice discount for people who were likely already using that service anyway.
It was going great. I sold many hundreds of these cards. The biggest issue I had wasn't how quickly I could sell them but rather, how quickly I could get bitcoins to purchase more cards.
As time passes by, I stopped thinking about the chance of charge backs on eBay. The cards all worked, and I had never had a single complaint while selling them. It was great.
I bought myself a car with cash. A used Microsoft Surface pro. Lots of money got spent on odds and ends that I thought I needed. I could afford both rent AND food. I had never experienced financial freedom like this before. I even got myself a flatbed trailer so I could start building a mobile tiny house thinking I'd take advantage of what I could now for the future.
As time passes by, I started buying more cards at a time. And I was selling them just as quickly as I could buy them. My last purchase last week had a gift card value of over $5,000. My seller informed me that he was running out of stock and would not be able to sell me very many more cards. Oh well. All good things must come to an end, right?
And that's when the claims started coming in. Left and right I was receiving complaints of cards going bad and accounts being suspended (including their normal balances). They told me customer service told them their cards had been purchased fraudulently. I didn't know what to do. I started sending refunds as soon as they came in. But I only had so much money left in both my bank and Paypal accounts. Everyone was telling me how I was a criminal and how terrible of a person I was. I honestly believed for some reason that I was helping everyone by supplying a pretty decent discount.
I truly feel awful. And scared. How much longer can these claims continue? Would I have enough money to pay everyone back who had a card go bad?
The claims started about two days ago, and I have now ran out of money. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm also going to be receiving several charge backs. Not only do I feel terrible for everyone I wronged, but I am now out of both the money I earned and the cards I paid for. The supplier I used to buy from has skipped town and stopped responding to all of his emails. I started drinking pretty heavily sometime last night. All I can do now is watch the money I screwed everyone out of slowly build up and know that there is nothing I can do about it. Will the cops come to my door and arrest me? Everyone involved has my full information including address, so it seems pretty possible.
I make around $400 a month from my regular job, there is no way I can make enough money fast enough even if I sold everything I own. I contemplated suicide several times since, but I know then that those people will never get their money back. I have never felt so guilty in my life. But the worst part has been how few people I have in my life to talk to about this. I grew up as a loner and several months ago I moved across the country leaving the few friends I had there behind. Now more than ever I feel so alone.
I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate for posting on this subreddit. I just really needed someone to listen. I don't know what to do anymore. All I want is for everything to just go back to the way it was two months ago.
xTastlesSWateRx: I'm confused. How did they work and then stop working?
throwaway91102: I don't really know.
My guess is that they were bought with stolen credit cards and it just took this long before the credit card companies did a charge back. After that my guess would be that the company that the gift cards were for tracked down the cards, wiped the balances and banned the associated accounts.
xTastlesSWateRx: That's rather silly. Kind of bullshit that now you're getting fucked when you had no idea.
throwaway91102: I should have known better, honestly. The margins I was seeing were just completely unrealistic. What astounds me is that the company not only wiped the balances of cards so long afterwards, but also chose to suspend everyone's accounts that registered their cards, effectively disabling legitimate balances also.
xTastlesSWateRx: Yeah. Sure you deserve some kind of punishment because ignorance is no excuse, but the fact that you have to refund all of these is something I'm not sure I'm ok with. And yeah, not sure why they would void all of them.
Durpburphurp: Actually, ignorance is a perfectly acceptable excuse. You can't commit a crime if you didn't know it was a crime to begin with. If you commit a crime with no criminal intent you should not be criminally liable.
To the. Op eBay is going to fuck you. Actually, assuming you used paypal, paypal is going to get you. I suggest calling your bank ASAP and telling them to block any paypal charges from here on out. Then I suggest calling a lawyer that has some experience with paypal and charge backs. A well written legal letter will most likely end any chargeback by PayPal under conditions set by them. If you don't do this they will attempt to bring a collection agency to help collect the money.
PayPal is a horrible service for the seller. Anyone can buy something via paypal with their credit card or bank account, receive their item and then call their bank or credit card company to tell them to block the charge for any number of reasons. The buyer will have both the money and the item, all while the seller is out of both. They will put a hold on the sellers account for said amount of money. If they can't withdraw from your bank or credit card they will send it to a collection agency. If it comes to it they will threaten to take it to court. Their fine print states the buyers bank or credit card companies decision is final, but they won't tell you that until the allocated dispute resolution period is over. They will play games and pretend they are on your side and will help resolve it. If you search chargeback on google you'll find many bad experiences of the buyer making way with cash and the item. I sold an expensive item (few thousand dollars) and the buyer told his credit card company the item wasn't in the condition he thought it was going to be in. His bank gave him the money back and expected pay pal to collect it from me. A lawyer is who you should consult with. Your situation is a bit different as it has to do with fraudulent items. If you had no criminal intent and didn't know the gift cards were fraudulent then you most likely won't be liable criminally. You may have to refund the money, but that's what a lawyers for. I just wanted to share my knowledge and experience with chargebacks.
throwaway91102: Having had some fairly good amount of experience with eBay, this is correct. Both eBay and Paypal are horrible companies. eBay doesn't really have customer service. When a buyer submits a claim, you will end up paying it. Even if the item doesn't really have a problem, this is the case. Luckily, Paypal has not adapted ALL of eBay's bad practices after they were purchased but honestly they might as well have.
I appreciate you sharing this information with me.
AuMatar: They didn't have to- PayPal was widely considered one of the worst companies in the world before the were bought. They regularly freeze accounts for no reason and for months, with no way of fighting it. And thanks to their lobbying, they legally aren't a bank and thus are unregulated.
| 9 | 4.333333 | |
1406405677 | 1406431180 | t3_2bsy6e | t5_2to41 | 41 | not-a-prince: Tifu by masturbating with peppered fingers.
This happened two weeks ago, I just recovered enough emotionally to talk about it. So my girlfriend is a practicing muslim and begged off sex for the month of ramadan. now two weeks went by without sex and she visit me to see how i was getting along and bring me "real" food. she was looking so tremendously awesome that i decided mid-meal to go and quickly rub one out. I washed my hand and started. Everything was going dandy for like 30seconds. Thats when i started feeling the slow burn. I panicked and started rushing looking for soap knocking things over. She rushed in and saw me at my most vulnerable. She offered a handjob which i declined. she later confessed she was this close to bursting out laughing and barely managed to hold it in till she was out.
Will_Rate_Your_Post: Formatting : Non-Existent : 5/10
Original Content : TIFU : 6/10
Humor Value : Above Average : 7/10
Believable: Above Average : 8/10
Grammar / Spelling: Mediocre : 5/10
Overall Score : 62%
EDIT: *scores may be biased*
shertlerd: >Formatting : Non-Existent
> 5/10
wut
Will_Rate_Your_Post: I gave it a five out of ten because as it wasn't detrimental to the post it didn't help the post achieve any better standards. More neutral.
Memes: 3/10
Intelligence value: 5/10
Contribution to discussion : 4.5/10
Overall Score : 41.66%
EDIT: *scores may be biased*
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: Hm, I would add on that the original post was of such a size that the lack of formatting did not affect it in a negative fashion.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1406401194 | 1406440559 | t3_2bsrb1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Goochbegone: TIFU by shaving my gooch.
So last night I got a little drunk. I had to be at work this morning so I was shaving my face before bed and had a brilliant idea to use my clippers on my balls. At first it went real nice. Shaved off my bush I had let grow unkempt and it was smooth as silk.
Next I went for the balls and this is where it begins to get bad. I put the extension thing on my clippers so they aren't going straight to my delicate nut sack. I shave off most of my scragglies without incident. Then it happens. I feel a sharp pinch and pull back my clippers. Blood. Blood everywhere. It probably didn't help that I had consumed 80 ounces of high gravity malt liquor thinning my blood to water. It just wouldn't stop. I put a bandaid over it and drunkenly stumbled over to my piano to play a self-loathing tune and wait for it to stop bleeding. For a short period of time I came close to knowing what a portion of the menstrual cycle felt like. My deepest condolences ladies.
So back to the bathroom to check myself. It seems to have just about stopped bleeding so I remove the bandaid. Hey, atleast I'm nice and smooth now even if I am going to have a scab on my balls. But hey, what about the gooch? Still hair there. I reach down to my taint and clip em down. Finally. I look like a prepubescent boy.
Fast forward to work today and I have to do a bunch of walking. Gooch is chafed so bad. Who knew that hair there served a purpose instead of just collecting sweat and stinking. Why oh why did I not just trim with scissors like usual?!
chancellorjay: At least you never shaved your ass. RIP silent farts
Zymaxid: ... why did you shave your ass?
chancellorjay: Why not?
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406392494 | 1406459341 | t3_2bsdyk | t5_2to41 | 21 | DepressExpectations: TIFU by going out with my Cum Stained shirt from yesterday’s night session.
So I woke up today late and have to rush to a very specific computer hardware repair store before it closes for the next few days [the specifics as to why they do isn't relevant to the story].
I managed to get in 3 minutes before they lock the main glass door and I breathed a sign of relief.
I was served by a very nice Asian lady in her 20s and after breathing a sign of relief knowing that my stuff will be fixed in time, we stood up and shook hands smiling....
And then, she looked down...and her facial expression changed to that of curiosity, to horror and finally disgust...
I immediately knew what she was looking at, my Cum Load from yesterday edging/masturbation session! In my rush, I forgot to change...just then, my somewhat decent life flashes across my eyes....
Long story short I spend the rest of the day at home wearing the same shirt telling myself “It is NOT THAT NOTICEABLE, it must be something else...”
I am almost convinced...soon...maybe later I will be.
Tl;dr Horrified a customer service Asian lady in her 20s with my cum strained shirt.
i_am_a_nipple: Oh god fucking jesus on a popsicle. HOW DO YOU NOT FUCKING REALIZE YOU'VE GOT LIQUID BABIES ON YOUR FUCKING SHIRT. SERIOUSLY.
DepressExpectations: It was from yesterday’s night masturbating/edging session.
It has long since dried, the “patches” ain't that much visible too...
I am still wanting to believe it isn't that obvious.
GratefullyMe: Dude, use a fucking tissue. It's hygienic, takes a moment to clean, and makes things much easier for you.
DepressExpectations: Thanks for the advise :D
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1406408115 | 1406476000 | t3_2bt1rv | t5_2to41 | 29 | kneejerkylurkey: TIFU by squatting on the toilet
(Throwaway as my main reddit account links to my personal website, and FU took place a few weeks ago ... waiting for a Saturday to post since FU is defecation related)
I've come across several threads on reddit about the benefits of squatting on the toilet (vs sitting), so I've been giving it a try for a few months now and have really come to like it.
Rewind to a couple of weeks ago ... it's early morning and as I'm about to head to work. I feel mother nature pounding on the door so I head into the bathroom and perform my usual routine of lifting the toilet seat, wiping the top of the toilet bowl's rim with a Clorox wipe, remove my underwear, pants, socks, and shoes, and step up onto the toilet rim and squat over the bowl.
(NOTE: I'm assuming most ppl don't undress themselves from the waist down when they squat and poo, but it's just easier that way for me as I don't have to worry about accidentally getting feces or urine on my clothes.)
So the first few poops are completely normal, but then a combination of solid and watery poops begin to shoot out, and before I know it there's a toxic poop cocktail in the toilet bowl below. Something to note is that when squatting on the toilet, you're a few inches higher than normal and with the toilet lid up, you have to be careful about water splashing up and getting on you.
Afraid that any potential splashing at this point is going to shoot up all over the bottom of my arse and feet, I decide it best to abort the squatting position and just sit on the toilet like normal.
I'm basically mid poop as I begin to transition by stepping off the rim and onto the floor, and as I reach behind me to bring the toilet seat down, I fail to realize that my arse is in the path of the seat. In that instant, the front edge of the toilet seat scrapes across my bung hole and clips a "peek a poo" on the way down, then proceeds to smear crap all along my perineum (a.k.a. scranus, gooch, coffee table) and the back of scrotum.
Now I'm sitting down over a toxic stew of poo with crap smeared all over my undercarriage, and I'm still not done pooping. The smell was horrible at that point, and I hadn't even realized that some of the poop on the front edge of the toilet seat had started to drip onto the floor.
I finally finished pooping, and after a few wipes into cleaning my nether regions, it was apparent that there was just way too much poo to wipe off with toilet paper. I was beside myself on what to do as I didn't have time to shower, else I would be extremely late to work.
Wishing I had a baby/moist wipe, I remembered the tube of Clorox wipes behind me and thought that at least I could clean myself and feel somewhat better that my skin would be clean and disinfected. As soon as I was done wiping myself down, my balls and gooch started to itch and burn like crazy ... turns out you should NEVER wipe your nether regions with a Clorox wipe as the chemicals irritate sensitive skin.
I finished cleaning up, got dressed, and ran out the door only to spend the rest of the day trying to avoid all my coworkers as I was worried that I had missed a spot and was smelly. Also, I couldn't shake the memory of the morning's events and just kept remembering that feeling of the edge of the toilet seat scraping across my anus and depositing poo all over my man parts. BTW that evening's shower felt incredible, and I just wanted to walk around the house with no pants on and show the world how fresh and clean my arse and junk were.
Needless to say, I learned my lesson to be very careful when performing a squat to sit transition on the toilet.
TL;DR Tried to transition from a squat to sit on the toilet, and toilet seat ended up smearing feces across my gooch and balls.
smashedbotatos: Stop being a pussy and sit on the toilet seat like a human. Jesus H. Christ what kind of animal are you? Seriously man, squatting over the bowl is fucked up.
kneejerkylurkey: Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
PIRATEghost85: Obviously he's not a squatter
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1406409270 | 1406562439 | t3_2bt3ij | t5_2to41 | 5 | _Podus: TIFU, I tweeted about losing my virginity on the girl I've been dating's birthday... I didn't lose it to her
So I've been on a few dates with this girl and things were going pretty nicely... but we hadn't decided to label our relationship and we never specified we couldn't see or do anything with other people.
Well Thursday I went to the cape with a really great friend that's a girl, we have all the same interests and she's beautiful and anyways we stayed up all night cuddling on the beach talking to eachother. That led to her staying at my house the next night, and the entirity of the next day. Nothing but being naked, cuddling, sex, sex, a bit more sex, some pizza, some chicken, and some honey mustard. It was a great time, and me being the dumbass that I am I tweeted "Sex and pizza>>>" just to look back on twitter a few hours later and see it was the girl I've been seeings birthday. *Cringes*
PIRATEghost85: Sounds like you should date the girl you had sex with...
_Podus: I'd love to she just lives too far away. 45 minutes is just not gonna happen :/ too strenuous
AustinCT: Do you not have a car?
_Podus: 45 minutes is a pain in the ass even with a car
Icewolph: Not for sex.
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1406410019 | 1406941291 | t3_2bt4rn | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by still being high on acid when it was time for my shift at Mcdonald's
So, first off let me say that I'd only done acid two times prior to this, and neither of those trips had the same intensity as this. So, last night was Friday and I went up to a cabin with my boyfriend, a couple of his friends, and my best girl friend. I knew I worked at 11am-7pm the next day at Mcdonald's, but was intending to suck it up and go in with a possible hangover.
WELL, a multitude of drinks and cocaine lines later, it is midnight. We had brought acid, but had decided against doing it that night because we got to camp late. boyfriend suggests maybe we should pop one tab each, because he and his friend popped half a tab of the same stuff last weekend and only experienced a little bit of giggling. being the shitdiot I am, I sucked a bitter tasting tab (which apparently means it isn't good acid?) for 30 minutes.
1am - started feeling comfortably high, was dancing to music and having a great time
130 - reach a point of being very high, having a hard time understanding what people are saying and just tripping out in general, staring at chairs and becoming immersed in one thought only to lose it the next second
The high continued to build and build until I was so high I was unsure if I was throwing up or not. That's the only way I can really describe it. It felt like my mind and body were so out of sorts my brain tried to reason with itself and it's only guess at what was happening was that I must be vomiting? Although I wasn't, my boyfriend assured me. Poor kid had to deal with me lastnight. The patterns in the room were melting and moving. Laid down with my boyfriend for a few hours feeling poisoned and ill and mind fucked.
5am hits, I try to get some sleep but can't. at 8 am I realize I work in three hours and am still completely high. Gazing at the pattern of my phone screen, everything was waving and moving. My dad came to get me at the cabin, and on the way home the road was still shimmering and curving. I admitted to him that I was high on acid, and he said he could tell I was messed up on something. This put me into a panic as I thought of going to work and STILL being mentally fucked.I called into work, much to the anger of my bitch manager. My call-in made no sense now that I think back, and I left the team shorthanded on a really busy day. oh, also I have a killer headache. and I did anal lastnight....which in my lifetime I've had no intention of doing, and have repeatedly shut down suggestions towards it. I am mildly disturbed that I don't remember the experience, and also my butthole feels far too large.
I FUCKED UP.
tl;dr: did a crazy hit of acid at midnight, by 11am this morning was still completely wrecked and bitched out on work at Mcdonalds much to the disdain of my manager. also discovered my boyfriend and I buttfucked in an acid induced haze although I was very serious about keeping my ass virginity for many more years.
carbonated_turtle: I'll never forget the first time I did acid, and it's basically a much more tame version of this story.
I was 17 and out with my friends, and we were looking for pot all night, but couldn't find any at all. Around 11 o'clock, we run into someone who would be known to us as Steve "Acidman", for several years. He didn't have any pot, but he did have plenty of acid. I'd never done acid before, but seeing as how we probably wouldn't be smoking anything that night, and I still wanted to get high, I decided to try it.
Well, nobody told me before I did it that the effects last at least 6 hours, and I had a shift at McDonald's the next morning at 8. I don't remember the next few hours, but I know I got home around 2am to find my mom waiting for me. Not wanting to face her in my fucked up state, I darted past her to the safety of the dining room, and thought it would be perfectly normal of me to sit and read the paper in the dark before bed. I'm sure my mom knew I was high, but she definitely wouldn't have thought I was high on acid.
So finally she goes to bed, and I decide I'm going to try to get a few hours sleep before my shift. But as I'm sure you know, acid won't allow you to sleep, so I just lied there in bed until about 7 o'clock, and when I realized I wouldn't be getting any sleep before work, I got out of bed and somehow made my way to work, still feeling the effects of the acid. What happened when I got there will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. My boss, instantly being able to tell I was either really hungover, or on something, says to me with a big smile on his face "look who's coming into work all pie eyed this morning!". He then proceeded to make sure I had the least enjoyable day of work I've ever experienced in my life.
So yeah, you just reminded me of that. :)
[deleted]: I did 25b on a Sunday night for my first time, had a fucked up trip, and went to school 3 hours after I came down. It was the weirdest feeling.
carbonated_turtle: I know exactly what you mean. For several years after my first experience, I did a lot of acid on school nights, and I was still high on a few occasions when I went to school in the morning. But most of my first periods in high school were a compete write off anyway, so it didn't really matter. :D
[deleted]: I took way too big of a dose, I should have come down like 2-3 hours earlier at least. Thankfully it didn't really matter what I did in school at that point, not that it really affected me that next morning anyways.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1406407218 | 1406416260 | t3_2bt0gh | t5_2to41 | 44 | pcatchu: TIFU by trying to unclog my bathtub with a fork
Today I forked up..
So there I was.. taking a hot relaxing shower. As I was a few minutes into the shower, i noticed that the drain in the shower was slightly clogged. Now I have wild curly LONG .. like down to my butt.. LONG hair. I probably shed a handful a hair a day.. so it's not unluckly that my drain would be clogged.
Back at my old school dorm, would use a fork to unclog the sink. So I get out of the shower, butt ass naked, and make my way over to the kitchen to grab a fork.. The second I step foot on the kitchen tile floor, my foot slips from under me, and I flip completely vertically, mid air, my life flashed before my eyes.. after all that I came crashing down, only to have grabbed the trash can with me..As I crashed on the ground, my body slipped and slid, unable to gain control of it myself.. the trash can we now on top of me, and oozing trashy liquid poored onto my body...
I quietly get up, carefully grab a fork, and wobble back into the shower to rid myself from the gargbage ooze...
worst part was the fork ended up doing nothing and I had to use a plunger.. which was right there next to the tub.. Why the hell would I pick fork over a plunger to unclog something...???
TDRL: left shower butt naked to grab fork. forked up and slipped on kitchen floor and had garbage ooze spill on top of me
[deleted]: Invest in some floor mats for stepping onto when exiting the shower, unless of course you already have some and just didn't dry off too well. Slip and falls stories like this make me paranoid about walking around wet.
pcatchu: :< It was in the kitchen.. which has 2 mats just not at the entrance.. the bathroom is completely covered by one big mat..
I just suck Q_Q
[deleted]: Hey, at least you made it out unscathed, wouldn't want to injure that naked body :p
pcatchu: reading your username after your comment has made me feel very confused inside.
[deleted]: Confusion is the first step to understanding
pcatchu: O-oh..
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1406381041 | 1406414550 | t3_2brztz | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking I was watching a magic show
As usual this happened a few months ago. I work at a hospital and I am high spirited. I usually say what's on my mind and I try to make hospital visits better by having humor. It was pretty earlier in the morning and I was standing outside a door with a room full of patients. I see a someone pushing a perfect box with a blanket over top. It looked exactly some kind of magic show piece so I figured the person pushing must be doing a magic show. I declared in front of everyone "Are you off to do a magic show!".
I immediately realize there is a dead body under the blanket and it's not a magic show and I said it loudly in front of a crowd of people.I went into my office for the rest of the day and hid.
Seldarin: They should have done a magic show. Think how easy it would be to saw him in half.
[deleted]: lol
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1406414792 | 1406465706 | t3_2btbzy | t5_2to41 | 117 | thrownawaysawa: TIFU by looking at my sister search history on Google NSFW
So today my cousins surprised my family with a visit and we were all excited to go out to lunch and have a good time with each other but first we had to decide where to eat. We suggested some ideas and decided on Chinese food was what we all wanted and then we decided on the exact restaurant as well, the only problem being is that we didn't all know the menu. So as my sister was getting dressed in her bathroom I decided to look up the menu on her phone. Now my sister is a preppy blonde hair popular beautiful girl so anything strange in her search history was as expected as looking under the queen's dress and seeing a thong. But despite this the second search result i see is, "Shemale porn" I quickly threw the phone down and could not make eye contact for the rest of the day.
TLDR: Used sister's phone found searches for shemale porn
PM_ME_NICKI_MINAJ: I seriously don't see what's the big deal, yeah she searched for shemale porn, maybe she was curious.
There's no need to be ashamed whatsoever
ohlookahipster: Yeah, I ate my own cum once.
I'm a man who owns up to it.
BackRub4Gma: Thanks for taking one for the team. On my kinkiest of nights, id prepare myself to give it a try, for curiosity's sake. However upon climax, all interest was lost.
Dr_Tang: A hahaha haha ive made this same commitment many times... never complete said act either
| 5 | 23.4 | |
1406415185 | 1406416506 | t3_2btck5 | t5_2to41 | 22 | AnonymousArnie: TIFU by loosing my vibrator (NSFW)
Long time lurker, first time poster. Yes, this is a throwaway.
I am a 17 year old girl who lives with my single dad and I have no friends or boyfriend. About a year ago my mom gave me a bullet vibrator and every so often I might use it when I can't fall asleep at night. I have insomnia and epilepsy so I take Ambien to help me fall asleep at night. I keep my vibrator in a green fake-snakeskin bag between my bed and the wall. Between last Wednesday and now (Saturday) I cannot find the bag. I know for sure I misplaced it when I was high on my Ambien and I cannot find it now. As a girl who has no friends, boyfriends, or female person(s) in my life, this is upsetting.
Also, any tips on how to buy another one without my dad finding out what it is?
Edit1: *Losing
jen1980: It sounds like you lost it rather than what the title states.
AnonymousArnie: What do you mean? "Lost my vibrator" doesn't sound as good as "loosing my vibrator".
watertrashy: Losing not loosing.
AnonymousArnie: Oh, okay thanks.
watertrashy: Ya they didn't seem to want to tell you for some reason.
AnonymousArnie: U rite m8
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1406416430 | 1406420334 | t3_2btebo | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a friend they could visit without specifying a time frame...
Here's the story...
3 years ago this lovely foreign exchange student did an internship at my place of employment. We flirted heavily. One night I went to a party with all the students, and much to my surprise she ended up making out with one of them. Broke my heart to see it, I seriously thought we had some serious chemistry.
So, I faced reality, figured she was moving back to her home country anyway and dealt with the embarrassment of my shock at the party, which was made apparent to everyone by my actions of storming out of said party immediately.
I tossed the emotions out of my mind after some time. Eventually, a year or so later we got to chatting here and there on the ol' FB and skyping from time to time. She has occasionally told me how sorry she was and she really made a mistake. We gave each other general compliments but never got romantic so to speak over the net.
Recently she told me she was going to vacation to America. Yay, right?!
I told her she could definitely come visit, but we never really planned out or discussed a time period.
I should mention I just took a new job as well, and am ridiculously busy with it. She knew this, but wanted to come visit anyway.
She sent an image of her plane ticket to my area, where I am the only one she knows(I've since moved states since she was here).
She plans to stay three weeks
Three! That's an eternity for a guy who generally likes his alone time, especially when dealing with a new high stress job.
Now she's here and she's been a saint about whatever I have to do. Hasn't complained, hasn't made it too tough on me.
However, she's come assuming I'm still extremely into her. She's pushing herself on me every night and as much as I like her as a person I can't just drum up these serious feelings for her over night, or even three weeks. I'm afraid I'm not goin to be able to feel anything.
She's talked of how she's had dreams about me for the past couple of years. She's ridiculously into me for not having really talked to me consistently for a long time.
I've told her how stressed I am and how tough this is for me, going over a lot of what I mentioned above and how hard it is for me to just gain these feelings for her, yet she hasn't stopped pushing it.
What the hell should I do. She's got two weeks left here and I'm going batshit crazy.
Thanks reddit, had to vent. Here's hoping she or her friends aren't big redditors!
Any advice, much appreciated. Even a laugh.
TheRedKingofReddit: Make time for her Shmosby. You will regret not trying to make it work.
DaveCrockett: It's uncanny really. She hasn't watched the show and wanted to watch it, we've been falling asleep to the show since she got here.
I was never even a Ted fan, but man do I feel like this could be an episode of the show. Get me outta here.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406415856 | 1406419801 | t3_2btdhw | t5_2to41 | 24 | iamprimo: TIFU called girlfriend ex-wife name
Not sure if this is the right sub, but here goes.... We were making out among other stuff, but we had planned on going skating so we stopped. She had her shorts off at the time and I was returning her short to her and I said, "Damn sweetie these shorts are all wet. They have [Name of ex] juices." She asked me what I said and I corrected myself thinking she didn't here me. Then she goes to the bathroom for about an hour and I thinking she had to poop or something. When she returns she is immediately pissed and I'm like what's wrong because I had already forgotten about it. She responded with you know what's wrong think about it. FUCK. This is the second time it happened. She is the first woman I was with after being married to my wife. I was with my ex for about 8 years and now I have been in this relationship for almost one year and it's the best thing in my life, but goddamn I'm an idiot. Now I'm alone in bed and can't sleep without her beside me. What the hell is wrong with me?
PufMagicDragon: It's just a force of habit you were with that woman for 8 years. I dated a guy who was married for the same amount of time, he would compare the things his wife did for him to what I did. Like one night I made dinner but I didn't bring him his plate, and he said "you know (ex wife's name) always brought me my plate. I can see where your gf is coming from but it's not like you're bringing her down by saying things about your wife and bringing up all the stuff she's done for you so she should cut you some slack
iamprimo: Thanks for the encouragement. Early on the relationship I accidental wrote my ex's name instead my GF in a text and she was extremely pissed about that. She has always worried about being compared to my ex, but this is really the only issue in our relationship. Everything is wonderful besides this. I know it's common and everything, but damn it just sucks. Their names are very similar as well which doesn't help: Jennifer/Jessica and they have the same initials which is weird as hell.
PufMagicDragon: In my opinion you just need to reassure to her that you're not doin it purposely, explain to her how when you're with someone so long that it's just a habit, she obviously cares a lot about you or she would of done left you. Just reassure she has nothing to worry about and you wouldn't ever dare to compare her to your ex.
PufMagicDragon: And you're welcome!
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1406416751 | 1406507166 | t3_2btesl | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by yelling FIRST BLOOD when having sex with my girlfriend for the first time.
So I met this girl a month ago and she happens to be a virgin. My friends and I made a bet and I did it.
Now I have won the bet, but I lost my girlfriend and probably ruined her "first time".
I am ashamed of myself!
Cambrai1: freaking league of legends.
IDONTABIDE: Uhhh. May be wrong here but the "first blood" sound clip is from Quake, no?
Cambrai1: League of legends aswell.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406411386 | 1406422626 | t3_2bt6u0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | throwbadstuffaway: TIFU by being a lesbians first, and other really bad things
Well, technically bi now... but that's besides the point, and that's not even the worst part about that night.
This past week a very close friend from our central friend group visited for the first time since she moved to Tennessee a year ago. Her and I had a thing, but it ultimately never went anywhere and I dated her best friend until she cheated on me. But anyways, last night was her last night in town, so our group did what any 7 teenagers (4 guys, 3 girls) who happen to be housesitting do, get hammered.
This is where it turns into a stereotypical shitty comedy movie made for 13 year old boys. All the guys end up making out with all the girls, and the girls end up making out with each other, taking shirts off, what have you, all the stuff nobody would believe. Now as it got later, and we had more liquor in our systems, we started pairing off. I somehow switched from making out with the friend visiting, to making out and feeling up our lesbian friend, who has claimed to be into me all year (she's dated nothing but girls mind you), and so we move on into a kids bedroom because the master is being taken up (relevant soon). Now, I have a medical condition that makes it very hard for me to get... well very hard, and couple that with the alcohol, it was very unproductive. I mean the deed was still done, but piss poorly. Thankfully my ex has a big mouth so she knew this already. Woo.
Now, because there were more guys than girls, someone's getting the short end of the stick. One of my best friends ended up with our friend visiting, in the game room (no sex because he's classier than me), my other best friend ended hooking up with our close female friend, in the master, who my final best friend has had a thing on for awhile. Ouch.
So fast forward to me in the other room with our now not so lesbian, lesbian friend, when someone comes barreling into the wall outside the door, sobbing and screaming "I'M SO SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN IT". Against my drunken judgment, I get dressed and go outside to see my friend who hooked up in the master sobbing and punching the wall. I catch his hand before what I know will leave a hole in the wall and hold him down. I get him to the toilet and keep his head in the toilet bowl and eventually move him into the living room. Throughout this, I learn a lot of things that I'm not going to mention, because even though this is a massive tell all, this stuff is way too personal to share.
Now he's in the living room, calmish, still crying, me sober as a rock now, when all of a sudden, he snaps awake, starts flailing, I do my best to hold him down (he's not a big guy, quite tiny really, but man is he jacked), and then comes the screaming again. This time though, it's worse, and it had me scared to the bone. He starts screaming "WHO ARE YOU?? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?? LET ME GO!!" over and over again. He looked dead in my eyes and we both saw no recognition for one another. He breaks free, runs toward the back door, I catch him and he gut punches me, which forces me to pick him up and slam him to the ground and punch him in the face, knocking him out (I'm 6 foot, 130 lbs on a good day, and am terrified of gyms by the way).
I hover around him, keeping a bucket close at hand, until he wakes up. When he does, he's sobered up a lot. Still drunk as a skunk, but miles better than five minutes ago. He starts crying again, hugging everyone, repeating I'm sorry, and starts cleaning up anything on the floor, even going as far as to putting the tiny dogs on the counter tops (one of the lighter parts of the evening).
The girls leave around this time, and the four of us go outside to calm our buddy down and look at the stars. He apologizes to our friend for hooking up with the girl he liked, they make up, and eventually, our buddy gets tired enough to where we put him on the couch and make him as comfy as possible until he passes out.
After this we all stove grill some burgers, and agree to never bring this up again (y'all don't count, besides, it's a throwaway), and I go into the bathroom to poop and hyperventilate until like 3, when I pass out myself.
This morning we all wake up, and our buddy remembers NONE of it. He asks us if he even wants to know, and then says "Actually, your faces say it all. Tell me in a week".
Alcohol: it's not fun. Sorry for the length.
PyrrhosD: Jesus Christ...
throwbadstuffaway: Fucking right?
| 3 | 1 | |
1406419200 | 1406425742 | t3_2bti67 | t5_2to41 | 3 | tuxracer04: TIFU by getting deported during the World Cup in Brazil because I didn't bring a visa.
[deleted]: How did you get into the country without visa?
tuxracer04: Well, I didnt make it past the airport, but after I got one back in America I was allowed in.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406418194 | 1406481113 | t3_2btgt8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | messa1: Tifu by being a new driver
I am learning to drive pretty late in life. (f 27). I've been getting lessons and the instructor said my basic driving skills were good. After begging my husband to let me practice with him, he finally let me drive for a good while. (in his relatively new car that he takes great pride in) all was going well until we came back home and I attempted to park. There is an enclosure with about 5 reserved spaces for residents (one being ours) and behind it is a decorative fence and a concreet bump. I thought I had the car in reverse but it was in drive and I hit the gas pretty hard and went over the bump, hitting the neighbour's bikes and knocking them over and pushing the fence back so it split a bit. His front of the bumper is all scratched up and scuffed. I offered to pay for the damage I caused and I don't expect him to ever let me drive his car again. I feel horrible and like a total failure. I want to just give up driving all together. He is still pretty angry at me and I don't blame him. :(
FNABolt: Now that you got that outta the way you're good to go
messa1: If only money weren't am object I'd probably agree lol.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1406414681 | 1406455608 | t3_2btbuk | t5_2to41 | 38 | shorthair1212: TIFU by flooding my hotel room [NSFW]
So, I'm in this beautiful hotel, just had lunch and it's hot outside so I decided to take a bath...
Now, knowing I am the only one in my hotel room, I still fucking closed the curtains in the bathtub (how stupid of me). I'm having a bath, started fapping, having a blast (wink, wink) and somehow I hadn't noticed that the bathtub is fucked up and beneath it is streaming water...
I'm finally finished and as I removed the curtains I saw the Amazon river in my bathroom, quickly opened the door and that’s where I saw where I screwed up the most, my whole apartment is flooding and all my stuff left on the floor - wet.
I got towels and I threw them on the ground (Andy Samberg style). I was cleaning the rooms, opening windows, getting towels and I hear a knock on the door. I'm naked, wet and I thought that maybe someone was complaining – who knows maybe I flooded the whole fucking building.
I got dressed, opened the door, luckily it was my mom. Now as she is questioning and jelling at me I can clearly see my jizz on the floor from the shower water. This guy fucked up. I am quietly panicking in myself, took a deep breath and I looked again - there it was moving slowly like an egg on oil. It was too much for me. I called the housekeepers/room service and I got my mom to leave the room. The maids started cursing and started cleaning and I was praying they won't notice the cum.
Two hours later, the room was cleaned and we got charged for spoiling the mini fridge.
I forgot to mention – I used all kinds of hotel shampoos on my penis while fapping and now it’s *glowing* . One good thing about this fucked up day.
BonJarno: It's glowing? You got yourself a lightsaber there! To battle!
shorthair1212: I would be Luke Glowing-penis-walker.
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1406422643 | 1406426504 | t3_2btmup | t5_2to41 | 15 | Shitty_Throwaway__: TIFU by vastly underestimating my inherited delayed lactose intolerance gene.
I remember reading on a TIFU comment thread some wise words from a redditor: "You're guaranteed to shit your pants once in your life. Be thankful it happened as a child, and not an adult." I laughed, and upvoted, and thought "Well, that may happen to some people, but *I've* never lost control of my bodily functions before. Surely this won't befall me! But oh, my friends, it did.
Thursday night, I was invited over to the neighbors with my family for a dinner. They'd just had a new baby and were welcoming him into the neighborhood. Course, we live in the middle of nowhere halfway up a mountain, so neighborhood meant their family and mine. But I was obliged to go, and they're good people with a cute baby so I was more than happy to comply.
Hours prior to this, I was on my lunch break with hardly a care in the world. While wandering the convenience store searching for something to eat, I came across the tantalizing Slim Jim and Cheese prepacked mush that I just had to have. Whatever, I don't eat healthy. Now normally the cheese is some sharp cheddar, but for whatever reason this cheese was a more smelly, harsh munster. 0/10, did not like, ate anyway. It was only after I was licking my fingers that I remembered my doctor informing me that I had inherited my father's late-blooming but monstrously destructive lactose intolerance. I had kinda figured as much, due to the sheer amount of time I'd spend on the toilet the past year shitting my brains out, but I'm a man who doesn't like to change his routine all that much. The thought flew out of my head and was replaced by something equally mundane.
Fast forward to a delicious dinner of steak tips, corn and salad. And it was GOOD, my neighbor is an excellent cook. But just as desert was being served, and I was knee deep into a discussion on Vladimir Putin's geopolitical policies, I felt the rumble tumble of my lower intestines. I needed to find a bathroom -- and fast. I politely excused myself and bolted for the nearest porcelain throne. No stranger to the shits, I knew the best method of not clogging toilets is to flush halfway through, to make sure you don't overflow the bowl. Oh boy, I should've done it in quarters.
I flush, and that tell-tale sign of a clogged toilet began to flood. Thankfully, it was one of the advanced toilets that stops itself from overflowing. Unfortunately, their pipe system was not so advanced. Common mistake in clogged toilets is to try and give it another go: except in this case, the shit was not going to flow downward. Thanks to the overflow catch, it didn't come up the toilet, but the pressure had to be relieved somehow. To my utter horror and disgust, it started rising up through the shower drain.
Now I know I'm in deep shit, figuratively and literally. I run outside, ask the owner for a plunger to the embarrassment of everybody, and proceed to unclog the toilet. Thankfully, it went down without too much of a fight, but the rest of the time was cleaning up the mess of a shower.
Okay, so crisis averted. I get back to the dinner table, prepared to make more small talk before politely leaving with my family. Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. My asshole was still in shitting mode, so the second I sat down it figured I was back on a toilet. I immediately stood up and rattled a string of excuses as I made my way to the door, thinking I could not bear reclogging their toilet.
Its about 300 ft or so down to my house from theirs, but it's all downhill at a steep grade. All I could think was "I'm gonna shit in the woods, I'm gonna shit in the woods" but I couldn't bring myself to shit on their property, so I resolved to make it to the main road first. Bad idea. Bad fucking idea. As soon as I turned onto the steep grade of the road, my sphincter let go. And it all just started coming out. I broke into a dead run, as shit flowed straight down the leg of my pants and into my shoes, and it just kept coming. I was able to run faster than the smell, until I got to the house. Then I remembered we locked the door (Mom's a city girl, forgets we're more likely to have a bear attack than a robbery) and I had to stop to get the key. The smell that assaulted my nose confirmed for me the lie that is 'you love your own brand'. Utterly defeated, I walked upstairs, shed my pants and my shoes, and immediately shit out twice my body weight. When it was finished, and it took forever, I jumped into the shower, threw my clothes into the wash and tried to just stagger on. Shit, though, stays with you. My right shoe got flooded, and it was just too much shit to scrub off. I had to take a knife to the afflicted areas, thus ruining the shoes, to kill the smell, but it STILL was with me at work the next day. Oh my shame, oh my shame. I regret that slim jim and cheese with all my being.
TL;DR: had some bad cheese, forgot about my lactose intolerance, clogged my neighbor's toilet and then shat my pants running back to my house.
BloodRose79: Oh, how this is glorious and equally disgusting you unlucky soul.
Shitty_Throwaway__: It was really, really unfortunate.
| 3 | 5 | |
1406424043 | 1406436880 | t3_2btots | t5_2to41 | 13 | 8bitChap: TIFU by looking at cute animals.
I'm in hospital at the moment and the other day a friend and myself were going through random subreddits by clicking the "random" link at the top.
Today I decided to do it again and as I'm sat up, laptop edged a tiny bit so if they looked someone could view in, not on purpose. This nurse checks up on me, a guy nurse, and he's like "Oh hey I like reddit too, what subreddit is that?"
And then I promptly reply with an innocent smile "Oh it's /r/animalporn"
A few seconds later I realized the gravity of what I had just said. My innocent beam faded as 3 nurses stared deep into my soul.
"No really it's not that bad. See." As I motioned to spin the laptop around their faces contorted into sheer horror as they stared expecting some vile animal pornography. But it worked out well in the end.
I_Will_Try_More: Risky click. It is reddit so I was expecting something much worse. Am now subscribed.
Unexpected_Gif: [As am I.] (https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/5653417472/hD71F6A0B/)
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1406409786 | 1410466516 | t3_2bt4cn | t5_2to41 | 9 | zzAftershock: TIFU by eating Starbucks
Hello my friends of Tifu, literally just found this page. Really enjoying it, and I've been dying to get this story out somewhere. It happened a couple months ago near the end of school.
So first, you need to know a few things: My state just switched over to the new testing, "Common Core." This year, it doesn't actually count as a grade, and was mostly practice to get us used to it. Before, we just took the tests in our classroom, but this time we had to take it in our school's multi-purpose-room. Anyways, I got up the morning of the test and lazily shuffled over to my dining room table to find two Starbucks foods; A Crumble Coffee Cake, and a Lemon Loaf. I looked over at my father, confused; I haven't asked for Starbucks for breakfast in months. He explains that he woke up late and didn't have time to prepare normal breakfast. I shrug and dig in.
Now, I must explain that Starbucks had changed these two foods since I had ate them last; I did not know this, otherwise I would have avoided it.
After finishing, I grab my backpack and the two of us pile into the car. It's about a twenty minute drive to my school, and about half way there, I feel my stomach twist and turn- I try to ignore it, I pull my pants up past my waste and try to keep my mind off it. My stomach persists, and I can feel it rumble. I manage to make it through the car ride, and arrive at my homeroom on time. Its an agonizing fifteen minutes, but I somehow make it through. I grab my backpack and head to my school's multi-purpose-room, where the testing will take place. At this point, I know it was the Starbucks, and I know I won't last much longer. Once I arrive at the MPR, I somehow maintain my ass for the ten or so minutes that it takes for the staff to explain everything and pass out necessary supplies (the test, pencils, calculators.) After that's all done and over, I know I have to go- now I sprint over to my bitch of a math teacher. "Ms. T, my breakfast did NOT agree with my stomach, can I please go to the bathroom?" I ask, trembling. "Yes, go ahead." she replies, and I bolt out of the MPR to get to the bathroom, I make my way to the shitter and let go- Holy Jesus it felt good. All this disgusting brown pudding shot out of my ass at the speed of sound. I know I'm not finished, but also know that my peers would start to notice I was gone if I shat any longer. I pull my pants up, and head back. I take the test (easy imho) and prepare for my next few classes. I get the occasional fart every once in a while but nbd as long as nobody notices. Anyhow, I make it through most of the rest of the day until just after my history period. I'm heading for my art class after a trip to my locker when I let a fart go- then my stomach sinks, I realize that what came out was MORE than just a fart. Oh fuck, oh no, oh fuck, shit fuckin crap poop penis fuck- I just shit my pants. I spent too long at my locker, I can't take a trip to the bathroom, I have to get to my class now, or I'll risk being counted as late and be counted down a grade-- and I will NOT risk that. I get to class, and sit down in my own shit pile. As soon as my art teacher is done with announcements, I get up- realizing I had left behind a pool of shit juice. I covertly cover it up with my jacket (I later burned said jacket in a fire) and ask the teacher for a trip to the bathroom. He lets me go, and once I arrive I ditch my underwear and head back to class. I don't think anybody noticed, and I haven't told anybody since. That was probably the most embarrassing day of my life.
TLDR: Dont buy Starbucks food, it's really *shitty.*
TIL: shit juice is a thing
Thanks TIFUers for reading! Have a good day, and I hope you laughed at my expense. <3
Malephus: How did you leave a juice pool without it being super noticeable on the back of your pants?
anotherguy2: Makes me question the whole story
| 3 | 3 | |
1406426252 | 1406440736 | t3_2btrr4 | t5_2to41 | 11 | couldntgetinside: [NSFW] TIFU by trying to fuck my girlfriend
So here is some back story. She is a virgin and last week I tried getting inside her. She said no, so I respected that and stopped.
Fast forward today, she calls me telling me she is eager to see me before she leaves for vacation. She comes to my home and I make my move again.
But I'm too big. I'm 22cm long and 5cm fat, so I couldn't get inside.
I get some lube from my father's room(jokes about my mom incoming) and I try it that way. Nothing.
Next thing she is on top me, it gets half inside but she hurts a lot so we stop.
I guess having a big dick is not that wonderful...
Cornbread52: TIL people who use the metric system also try to brag about having a big penis, but end up looking like a big penis.
Castaway77: I bet that's his adjusted penis size
pharlesbarkley: I'm sure he didn't measure the yaw of his penis either.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406425681 | 1406449475 | t3_2btqzs | t5_2to41 | 15 | mouthwashstings: TIFU by getting mouthwash down my Penis because I was lazy and tired NSFW
I should start by saying my toilet and bathroom are in separate rooms.
To cut the amount of time it takes me to get ready in the morning, I usually do multiple things at once whilst in the bathroom. This includes urinating in the sink to cut out the time needed to walk across the hallway to the toilet.
As I finished brushing my teeth, I whipped my dick it out to begin doing what I am least ashamed of. Mid-piss, I remembered that I hadn't used the mouthwash. Still half asleep, I went about the normal process of mouthwash, swishing and gargling and what not.
As my piss stream came to a stop, a spat out the mouthwash like a cobra spitting venom. Whilst most of the blue liquid went into the sink, a rogue stream of the mouthwash went right down my urethra. I thought nothing of it, for about 7 seconds. Then, the burning came. My dick is on fire right now.
TL;DR: Spat mouthwash into my dick whilst reciting my morning ritual.
mongreloid: But your lady friend is going to enjoy that shot of minty fresh breath that is going to greet her!
rdness: Breath from which head?
| 3 | 5 | |
1406427234 | 1406462271 | t3_2btt1j | t5_2to41 | 6,334 | formulawild: TIFU by fingering my crush, with my toe, accidentally.
It was a normal day at the swimming pool. All the lifeguards (myself included) were rejoicing as swim lessons came to an end. We all decided to jump in the pool to cool down and blow off a little steam. It was a usual staff swim session, people doing tricks off the boards, and other guards racing each other the length of the pool. As the races and dives continued I swam over to a girl I have a small crush on, dive under water, and try to pull her down, sparking some flirtatious fighting to 'drowned' the other. Soon she is fleeing the scene towards an above head set of ropes that the kids use as monkey bars. As I chase her she pulls herself out of the water to get away, but I am right behind on another rope. Now the game shifts form drowning each other to kicking the other off the rope and back into the water. With the first swim on my legs I realize I am in a bit of a pickle; I don't want to kick her in the boobs, but I can barley reach her legs. What to do... Before I can make a plan she winds up to take a swing at me, seeing an opportunity to knock her down I swing my legs back in preparation for my one big chance. Mid swing my foot collides with her inner thigh, "direct hit" I thought. Alas it was not to be true. Given the wet nature of our roughhousing my foot slides down her leg, big toe pushes her swim suit aside, and plunges right into the dark abyss between her legs..
Kholby: And then what happened?
TheSNStang: Seriously, OP! You just can't leave us with that cliffhanger!
formulawild: Alright alright.. She was almost as embarrassed as I was. She had an "oh my F**** god did that just happen" look on her face. After that we called the fighting quits, swam to the wall, and went home. We'll see how tomorrow goes...
TheSNStang: I guarantee you that she has been thinking about that non stop since it happened.
buttered_popcorn: She's definitely thinking about OP. They don't call it the *big* toe for nothing
_Born_To_Be_Mild_: My big toe isn't called The Lady Pleaser for nothing.
PM_ME_UR_BIG_TOE: We'll see about that...
_Born_To_Be_Mild_: Boobs for toes.
ilikeeatingbrains: Jammy fucking
Minguseyes: Instructions unclear, dick stuck in sock
| 11 | 575.818182 | |
1406427430 | 1406429021 | t3_2bttc1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Freelancer47: TIFU by trusting my roommates to know how to clean up after a sewage pipe burst.
Names have been changed to keep people anonymous.
Friday Night, 7PM Chicago-time:
There I am, playing "Thief" on my new PS4 (it ain't that great, for what it's worth) when I hear a familiar sound resonate from the bathroom nearest my room... the gurgling sound of the tub backing up.
"SHITSHITSHIT" I yell, hoping that this isn't as major as I think it might be.
"Allen! ALLEN!" I scream "TUB'S BACKING UP, CHECK THE BASEMENT!!" Check for what, I'm not sure. All I know is water will always go the way of least resistance. Our house, I'm sure, has water demons & we haven't sacrificed a goldfish to please them... or something. In our case, that means the laundry room is in imminent danger, the entertainment center turns into a pool,the bar has a new cocktail on the menu, & the weight room turns into an obstacle course.
"Freelancer, what is the tub backing into?" Allen is not from the USA, English is his 3rd language. Allen then peers into our bathroom, known as "The Yellow Bathroom" due to it's tile color, and immediately knows the reason to panic. The wall paper is a pattern familiar to those who know the 80's (Less Than Zero anyone?).
"Freelancer, tell Michael, he's in the yard!" Michael, the landlord of our home & final roommate, was mowing the lawn while his boyfriend set up for a bonfire. Michael, not known for level headed thinking, is even less well known for his capability to fix things in his house. This bit of Gomer Pyle-ing for a landlord is fully acceptable since my rent for the room I sleep in is about 1/3 of what others pay in the Chicagoland area.
After a quick inspection, we find that the sewer drain pipe is leaking. Not only is it leaking, but all three bathrooms are unusable due to the location of the leak: the last pipe that they all meet at before reaching the sewage line to the city.
So, we shut off the water. No showers, no shitting, pissing takes place by the bush on the side of the house. It fucking sucked. We couldn't cook, we had to order pizza. This would normally not be an issue for me... but I've had pizza 3 days this week & I'm feeling fat. No eating off of plates that we have earlier. WE CAN'T CLEAN THEM! We resort to Trailer Park China (Paper plates). I fill as many containers with water before we comence the water shut off, just in case this issue took longer than the day it did.
The next 24 hours are a flurry of activity: buckets were fetched & emptied, mops were put to moping, plungers & routers worked like Egyptian Slaves putting up the pyramids or like child workers in a Charles Dickens novel or like Kim Kardashian puts efforts into her tits...
In the end, after finding out that the router was caught not on a skunk (Yes, they were certain that a skunk had found its way into our drain pipe.) but copious amounts of tree root. There was also the argument of if we were looking at tree root or hair.
"No, it's hair" Michael kept saying, "I Know it is! The lady that owned the house before us had a few pets & she had long hair!" I had to yank out a bit of tree root from the lawn to give a visual comparison of what we were looking at. Michael had little notion of tree root finding a way into things like drain pipes.
Tree root or not, I still damn the water demons. But fuck it, we (as a unit) fixed our drain! We could live like normal again!
Today, 5-6 PM-ish
So. Time to clean up. Now, admittedly I'm not the cleanest person. I shower daily, brush my teeth, wash my hands after just about any activity that might get them dirty, but I leave dishes in the sink overnight, carpet only gets vacuumed every two weeks, I wear the same jeans 3-4 days in a row (I wear them for work, mainly)... but I know certain things you don't do. Such as if you've been touching shit water with your bare hands, you wash them.
The idea of Cross Contamination escapes Michael. It also escapes his boyfriend. We spend most of the late morning & early afternoon attempting to sanitize the house. *Anything* that *might* have been touched by the work in the basement was washed, sprayed, sanitized.
I decided to start on the dishes in the sink shortly after the water turned back on. About 2 hours ago, I make myself some food. I then move to wash my dishes. I notice the sponge is missing from the sink *again*. It disappeared earlier, but then reappeared just before I washed the dishes that we hadn't got to before the sewer leak... which was *a sizable amount* of dishes.
I ask Allen & Micheal where it might have gone. Allen said he didn't know & will ask Brian if he knows. Brian is found & comes in from the back yard & hands me the sponge "Sorry" he says "I was using it". "No Problem," I tell him "What were you using it for anyway?"
"Oh, I was washing out the trash cans in the back yard with that". The same two 13 Gallon cans we used to catch water from the pipe clean out last night. I.E. the two trash cans that had shit water in them over night.
"Brian" I ask "Are you fucking with me? Like, what else did you clean with this?" It turns out, since he couldn't find another sponge in the house to clean those trash cans with. We have 4 total sponges for the bathrooms alone, and this ONE for the dishes... but he didn't bother to check with anyone about his. So this sponge washed the trash cans.
And the Toilets.
And the tub with the shit water that had backed up into it.
And the bathroom floors.
Part of where the drain pipes were (I don't know why).
Some of the basement floor.
The bottom of his slippers, and Micheals.
Brian had been using this sponge on & off since before I started the aforementioned washing of the dishes. I realized just then that all the dishes that people were eating off of at the moment were part of that pile of dishes I just cleaned.
So, here's hoping to no E.Coli out breaks in Chicagoland. Or Cholera. Or Ebola. Or Schistosomiasis.
If you don't see me saying something stupid on reddit after today, contact the CDC please.
Thanks for reading.
SpinningNipples: What does tub backing up mean? English isn't my first language either and I didn't get that part.
Lets us know if you got shit poisoned. That ain't no joke.
Freelancer47: It is a term used to state that water from the sewage drain pipe is returning to the house via another route (Kitchen sink, bath tub, bathroom sink, etc..) since there is a clog that the end line of the sewage drain.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406426264 | 1406476302 | t3_2btrrq | t5_2to41 | 5 | notoiletthrowaway: TIFU by getting drunk and peeing myself
This actually happened last night. Im visiting my hometown (my parents still live here but I live on a college campus now). Last night a lot of my high school friends and I got together and we proceeded to get drunk beyond all belief.
I had 3 beers and then a couple of mixed drinks my friend made so I was feeling really really good (i'm a huge light weight). We then went to a local restaurant where I had a sandwich and two glasses of water.
So that is 3 beers, 2 mixed drinks, and 2 glasses of water. All without peeing once. So by the end of dinner I'm absolutely dancing but the bathroom and this particular restaurant is absolutely disgusting. So I refused to use it.
Fastforward, my friends decide to go to the park. At this point I'm about to cry because I have to pee so bad. We get to the park, and at this point i can feel every fiber of my being pulsing inside of my bladder. Every movement sends shocks through my body screaming at me to release the pee!
And then there it is! Salvation! I see the public restroom at the park. I realize that it will probably be disgusting but at this point I couldn't care less. I sprint ahead of my group and run straight at the toilet
I reach out to the door, pull on it, and then my heart sinks. The door is locked, the park officially closes at 10pm and it is now around 10:45pm. I'm a girl so peeing in the woods is not an option, especially with my friends there.
And thats when my body quit, I can feel it starting to come out so I run around to the other side of the building, the entire time I'm completely pissing all over myself. I squat and after a couple of minutes I finish and pull myself together.
I was wearing a dress so the damage wasn't very noticeable and noone said anything to me about it. But I'll be damned if it wasn't the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened in my life. And now it's on the internet for everyone to read!!
rwfforever: Did people not see you run around to the other side of the building? Did they know you really had to go? I'm surprised it wasn't noticeable or that no one asked you anything.
notoiletthrowaway: My friends did and yes I was very vocal about my pee need. It was definitely noticeable
rwfforever: Haha aw. :/ anyone say anything afterwards? Its ironic that to not squat in the woods, you ended up squatting in a much more public spot
notoiletthrowaway: No luckily really cared. They knew what was going on!
rwfforever: You have good friends then :)
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1406428165 | 1406493685 | t3_2btubf | t5_2to41 | 184 | mylittleleoislost: TIFU by allowing my little explorer to go out at night
At around one AM july 26, I opened the door for my cat to out for a stroll before bed time. For the last five years he had been going out whenever he wanted even after a move to the country, we recently moved back to the city and have only been here less than a month. He hasn't returned, he's never been gone so long and i have no idea how ill ever be able to live with myself after allowing something i loved so dearly get into trouble. I knew this was a rougher neighbourhood than he was used to, how could i have let him go out so late.
HOLY FUCK REDDIT YOU ARE MAGIC he was gone for over 21 hours and less than ten minutes after i made this post HE STARTED TO MEOW AT MY WINDOW
Hes a little dirty, otherwise in perfect health :)
I_Byte: Um .... Glad we could help.
INSANITY_RAPIST: > Glad I could help
Fixed
Reddit is one person, silly.
DonnieBrighto: You mean Karmanaut?
INSANITY_RAPIST: Goes without saying, karmanaut.
| 5 | 36.8 | |
1406432069 | 1406449416 | t3_2btzdy | t5_2to41 | 5 | Fucktheheart: TIFU by letting myself fall to infatuation.
ShawnBootygod: Didn't realize there was a legit highschool hierarchy like in movies. I just graduated last year and it certainly wasn't like that.
Random_ass_name: Depends on where you go to school and how large of a school it is, I believe. My school is fairly small (graduated with around 70). We definitely had that problem. That was also several years ago now. Things may have changed.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406432003 | 1406444704 | t3_2btzal | t5_2to41 | 88 | Quitfiddlin: TIFU by forgetting a towel.
Not a throwaway because I have no friends.
Anyway this happened a couple of years ago but I still cringe thinking about it.
One day my sisters decided on inviting their friends over to hang out. Normal session where they just chill and throw corny jokes all day. Anyway I was in need of a shower so I went ahead and took one. After the shower I look on the door rack and see I forgot a tower. Fuck. So I start shouting for my little brother to go and grab me a towel, but there's no reply. He wasn't there. I started shouting for my sisters and they weren't there either.(Turns out they went to the store for snacks) Then I shouted to see if anyone was in my house but there was no reply. So I decided fuck it and went for the nude sprint of faith to my room which is literally like 6 feet from the bathroom. Little did I know my sisters friend was across the hallway on the phone which is why she didn't reply and I couldn't hear her talking. I open the door and start running ass naked across the hall and hear someone scream OH GOD! It scared the shit out of me so instinctively I jump in the air and scream like a little bitch (I'm a dude). She saw everything. From the naked sprint of faith to that little fairy hop of fear. I just continued running into my room right after, proceeded to lock the door and waited for them to leave hoping she doesn't tell anyone.
Since shes still friends with my sisters she still visits. I try to avoid her as much as possible but every time I do see her shes gives me this awkward smile.
[deleted]: >Not a throwaway because I have no friends.
**Best. Intro. Ever.**
ohlookahipster: Aww, I'll be your friend, OP
redoverture: Then he needs a throwaway... :/
Super_Zac: HA- now all of OP's friends know his username! He'll never live it down!
| 5 | 17.6 | |
1406432417 | 1406443259 | t3_2btzu0 | t5_2to41 | 54 | IlovemyTARDIS: TIFU by hearing Let It Go
I suppose I should start at the beginning.
I have younger sisters, all under the age of ten. We went to see Frozen in the movie theater. So there I was, not really giving a fuck about it, and then it hit me: this was going to torture me for at least five months.
Fast forward two months:
Not a day has gone by that I haven't heard it. I dislike Let It Go.
Three more months: Still hear it every day. God, I hate Frozen.
Two more months, present day: I hate Frozen with a passion, especially Let It Go. Which I have now heard, I shit you not, every day for the past seven months.
So today my family went to the zoo. My zoo has a Summer Nights thing where they stay open until nine or so. They had an outdoor laser show tonight, playing a bunch of different popular songs.
When it started up, guess what song was playing?
Yep.
I *snapped.*
I broke down, laughing hysterically while tears were running down my face. It was so *pathetic*, all these people with their Frozen obsession, and so was I.
We left pretty quickly after that. I was grinning like a psychopath the whole ride home.
Now my family thinks I'm insane. I honestly do not give a fuck. I'm pretty apathetic right now. I probably am insane. If I hear someone singing Let It Go, I will punch them in the face.
TL;DR: Let It Go drove me insane.
That is all, my dear Redditors.
Teotwawki69: You know that some asshole is going to link to a sound file of the song now, don't you? I'd advise you to not click any links in this thread. And I definitely feel your pain regarding that fucking song.
Ali-Sama: Do you want to build a snow man?
tikael: [Let's build a snowman!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQ1ZOFNBL68).
tifu_happy: What's this clip from?
tikael: Cannibal the musical. I highly recommend it.
tifu_happy: Thanks, I'll have to give it a go then.
| 7 | 7.714286 | |
1406433398 | 1406779625 | t3_2bu12g | t5_2to41 | 61 | rogue_giant: TIFU by being in love with a girl.
mostly happened last night, but here's the story about how my entire summer got flipped upside down overnight.
I get a call from a girl that I have had feelings for. She has known about me having these feelings for quite some time, and wanted more time to see what would happen between us. Today is her best friend's birthday, so they went camping. Another two friends of theirs also went camping with them. She had told me that they would be drinking at the campground they were staying at, so I said be safe told her I loved her, and called it good. Then at about 9:00 P.M. I get a phone call from her, which is very unusual because she always texts me and never calls. I answer the phone, and she is frantically yelling at me, "Do you love me, rogue_giant?" all the while I can hear her best friend in the background saying that I don't love her at all. I reassure her that I do indeed love her, an I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. She keeps repeating this until the phone call abruptly stops, so I go back to moving dirt with a shovel. About half an hour later, i get another call from her and this time she's crying. She asks me again if I love her and I tell her the same thing that I said the first time. She then tells me that she really fucked up, and asks if I like lesbians, and if I would be mad at her if she slept with another guy. At this point, I'm starting to get worried about her safety, as I know one of the guys she was with also liked her but she insisted that she only wanted to be friends with him. She says she's sorry and then the line goes dead again. At this point, I had already texted her to say that I loved her with a very long text saying that I would never hurt her like her ex's did and hit the send button. she sent back, "idk want to say". A while later after recieving all four calls, she then sends back a blank message followed by scrambled drunk text which was later followed by a text that read "I want Travis" which is the other dude that liked her. Another series of minutes go by when I get a third call from her where she is sobbing again softly. she said, " I've had way to much Jack (Daniels) and Bacardi. I love you, rogue_giant, but your not my man" and hung up the phone before I could get anything else out besides, "do you need me to pick you up?". At this point I am pretty furious about what is happening. I then get the fourth and final call of the night. I answer the phone, asking if she is alright and needs to be picked up. But while talking, I hear this rustling from the other end, and then her best friends says that she is eating Pringles and hung up the phone. I both called her and texted her this morning to ask if she could meet u with me after I got out of work so that we could talk. She says why to which I respond about yesterday. After a while She responds that she doesn't want to talk, and I ask her if she remembered anything I said to her when she called, she said no. I the told her what she said and she plainly refused to talk about it. I do believe that all of the parties involved (except one of the guys that went) were underage while drinking. I learned today that she got blackout drunk before having sex with him in a bathroom at the campground. And she won't even give me an explanation of why she chose the drug addicted alcoholic who works a minimum wage job over someone who is educated and can make 60+k each year after I finish school. I also think that he knew what he was doing when she was blacked-out, seeing he looked absolutely sober in the picture that she posted to instagram that night. Any advise, even though she won't listen to me?
tl;dr I told a girl that I loved her and she fucked a guy in a public bathroom after getting blackout drunk... within 24 hours.
fundayz: So many rookie mistakes. Where to start...
First of all, never tell a girl you love her (romatically) unless you are already in a relationship with her or are 100% sure she feels the same way. Even if she asks. Seriously, it's a huge turn off and means nothing. No girl is going to suddenly develop feelings for you just cause you told her you "love" her. If you've made it clear to a girl that you like her, ask her out and *be done with it*. If she likes you she'll say yes and if not, drawing it out txting is useless. You won't ever 'convince' a girl to like you, they either do or they don't. All you can do is dress well and be the most interesting, charming guy you can be.
Secondly, don't try to be a white knight. She isn't your girlfriend and you don't owe her so much attention when she clearly isn't reciprocating. Offering rides and favours like that *doesn't make you a gentleman*, *it makes you a doormat*. *It makes you boring*.
Third, do you seriously think at your age girls care about how educated you are/will be or how much you will make? Nope, they'll care about that stuff when they are actually looking for a husband. At your age they just want someone that makes them laugh and that they can relate to (of course, good looks always help).
Finally, she wasn't your girlfriend and **she doesn't owe you an explanation for anything**. She doesn't have to justify why she doesn't like you, she either does or she doesn't. Stop getting hung up on this girl and just move on to the next one.
P.S. You're a teenager. None of this will matter in just a few years so don't take it so seriously. You'll have much more luck that way.
Internetldentity: fundayz is right, but I still pity you. But really, forget that whore.
fundayz: Dude, she got drunk and had sex with a guy she was into. That doesn't make her a whore, it makes her a teen.
Thinking every girl who sleeps with people other than you is a whore is how you end up bitter, lonely and on r/redpill
Oh, and while this is a shitty situation that many young men go through, it was *he that put himself in that situation* and the sooner he understands that the better off he will be. This situation was game over the moment she invited another guy that she liked to go camping. If he hadn't made it so painfully obvious that he was head over heels so quickly and made an effort to become friends with her friends it could have been him on that trip and in that bathroom.
Internetldentity: I agree, I overreacted trying to be supportive.
Note to self: calling people whores is not supportive, it's bitchy.
note-to-self-bot: Don't forget:
calling people whores is not supportive, it's bitchy.
Internetldentity: Thank you. Noted.
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1406433469 | 1406435253 | t3_2bu15x | t5_2to41 | 15 | cheetah-ina-pita: Tifu by molesting a handicapped strangers face
Ok so here goes.
It was a fairly lazy Saturday, got up at noon had a meeting at the bank. Then I decided to check out a movie at the local Indi theatre, they were playing "the double" which I'd wanted to see for a while.
I was a bit later than expected getting to the theatre probably around 10 minutes late for the film. It so happened to be a fairly sunny day outside as well so when I rushed in paid for my ticket and hurried into the theatre to find a seat I was basically blind.
Stumbling down the pitch black theatre squinting trying to find a seat I put my hand out to brace myself on a seat. Turns out it was a man in a wheelchairs face, his right eye and part of his mouth to be exact and of course a bright preview comes on just as my hand lands on him.
He screams out "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING" I (in complete shock) reel back in terror and stammer out "my god I'm so sorry sir". The rest of the audience erupts in a symphony of "shhhhhhhh". The man in the wheelchair tells me to "fuck off" gives me the finger and I quickly find a seat.
Thank God the movie was good...
After it was over I just faced forward stared at the credits and saw him roll by giving me this I will murder your face glare.
Tl.Dr: showed up late to a movie, couldn't see a free seat, ended up hand raping a strange man in a wheelchairs face. The movie was great.
Sorry about the cadence and punctuation, I'm on my phone.
[deleted]: Hahaha, I imagined you as Norm MacDonald for some reason.
cheetah-ina-pita: I wish haha then I'd be a drunken pigeon that hangs out with Mike Tyson
| 3 | 5 | |
1406434786 | 1406441808 | t3_2bu2up | t5_2to41 | 23 | Thrillls: TIFU By jumping off a 70 foot cliff and landing a perfect back flop
A group of friends and I decided to go hit the cliffs to do some cliff jumping. The location I went has a 10 ft, 20 ft, 25 ft, 35 ft, and 70 ft cliffs. Keep in mind I only started jumping off cliffs this summer. I have done the 35 ft jump several times, and have finally started to get comfortable with it, to the point that I can jump it without hesitation and land it without getting hurt.
Every single time the 70 feet stands as a cliff to jump off of that would make a boy turn into a man. A friend of mine jumped it twice, and both times was O.K. Today, I saw a kid jump it and land it alright.
Another friend, lets call him A, wanted to jump, but before he did get some more practice at the 35 feet. After about 2 hours, we go back up to the 70 feet cliff. A, after some hesitation, jumps into the water, lands perfectly, and is cheered on by people on their boats.
Now, usually this cliff is home to very few people. Next thing I know, I am on the edge of the cliff, with 20 people behind me cheering me on to jump, and another 50 people on their boats at the bottom blasting music to encourage me. Keep in mind I had never jumped a cliff in my life only a month ago, and 35 feet is the highest I've ever done.
After 10 minutes of hesitation and being encouragement from my friends telling me to jump, I make up my mind to leave, only to see 20 faces looking at me like I'm a pro at cliff jumping and fully expecting me to jump. I didnt want to dissapoint 50 people, so the next thing I know I am in the air, looking down, terrified. Trust me folks 70 feet when you're falling looks really fucken high. I freaked the fuck out. I had absolutely no control over my body and just wanted the jump to be over. While staring at the water, I start leaning backwards. The jump is only 2 - 2.5 seconds, but that was enough for me to be completely horizontal with the water when I landed. I did a perfect back flop. Next thing I know hit some rocks at the bottom, and swim back to the top. I dont know how I fucken swam back to safety. I had to hike back down the cliffs (a 20 minute hike) with friends, and got a ride back.
There was a ton of people filming down at the water, but in all the commotion I never asked anyone for the tape. Now Im sitting at home with back pain, unsure of whether I truly hurt anything in my back (i.e. broke it) or just sprained stuff really badly.
Moral of the story, dont jump off high fucken cliffs if you're not a pro.
Sorry for no video. I wish I had it more than any one else. If you saw me do this and have footage please upload to YouTube immediately.
TL;DR Jumped off a 70 feet cliff when I clearly shouldnt have. Landed a perfect back flop. In pain and unsure of how severe my injuries are.
EDIT: I don't know if it will work here is a picture from Facebook after. My back had some weird reaction to the whole thing. I do not know what those red things were. They disappeared after two hours or so.
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t34.0-12/10521341_1480941308818990_208835031_n.jpg?oh=b2ba4db0dc29fb3e7dde219d6e1d6d19&oe=53D69AC9&__gda__=1406577753_f811d789e2a6a68ae8ea3b3025babb37
6romperstomper9: 10 meters per second, per second. that's the speed you were fucking up at OP.
Sharkbite116: Does not check out. acceleration is not speed. Takes OP roughly 2.06 seconds and impacts water at roughly 20.6 m/s.
6romperstomper9: You fall at a rate of 10 meters per second, squared.
Sharkbite116: Yes, acceleration due to gravity. Key part is that 10m/s^2 is acceleration, while "speed" is velocity. You told OP he was fucking up at a speed of 10 m/s^2.
6romperstomper9: Oh. Sorry and thank you. :)
Sharkbite116: Haha, no need to apologize. We were all confused once. It's physics after all.
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1406428782 | 1406487861 | t3_2btv5f | t5_2to41 | 25 | StarFscker: TIFU by replacing a gerbil
Today one of my 2 gerbils died. Her name was Mamba.
It was really sad. I don't know how it died, but it was definitely dead. The other gerbil I have, ChaCha, seemed sad too.
I thought she needed a friend.
I went to the pet store and found a gerbil. I thought that it would make my wife happy, sorta like how when a kids dog dies you get them a new puppy to help them get over it sorta thing. The new gerbil, Chi-Chi LaBamba, was introduced to the cage.
Apparently, though, you're supposed to keep them separated so they can get used to each other and sort out dominance things.
I put them in the cage, they started sniffing each other and doing gerbil things. I had to pick up my wife from work, so I went to do that.
We came back home to a blood-bath. ChaCha's face was covered in blood, and she was hanging out on the far opposite side of the cage from ChiChi LaBamba. ChiChi was relatively unscathed, I noticed a small bite mark on her arm.
They are now separated. I hope that ChaCha is okay, she's a trooper. In the mean-time, I am thinking I might try to return it to the store so it can find another home, because right now she's living in a storage tote. If I can't, I suppose I'll have to buy a new cage and we can have 2 separate gerbil cages.
I'm a shitty pet owner, and I feel bad. :c
At least I didn't have to bury 2 gerbils.
perrythebari: My European history teacher once told us a story:
He was five and his family lived on a farm. Being five, he was too young to help with most things on the farm but he asked his parents if he could get rabbits to take care of. So, they got him rabbits. He took care of them for months, and, as rabbits will, they reproduced. They ate some, sold others, but he liked his rabbits very much. One day, in the middle of winter, there was a snowstorm. The next day outside was blanketed in white. They were probably in the 4th or 5th generation of rabbits. So, his mother rabbit had just had a litter recently, and the father and mother had been teaching them how to live and be rabbits and whatnot. So, he gets up early to go feed the rabbits, and they aren't in their hutch, or wherever they were normally kept (I forgot where.) So, he goes looking for the missing rabbits. He's looking, everything's white, until he spots red. There's a baby rabbit leg on the ground, covered in blood, all by itself. He does not start crying, because he's five and this is a bit much. He keeps going, and he finds an arm, and then a body, and then a head, all baby rabbit pieces, strewn about in crimson on the fresh snow. He's breaking down at this point, and then he comes upon the father rabbit. Two of the father rabbit's legs and one of his ears are missing, and there is a long gash down his stomach. He has long been dead. The ubiquitous baby rabbit parts make the scene look like a battle field. He keeps going, barely holding together at this point. He is far out from his house at this point, maybe 150 yards or so, following the trail of blood, when he comes upon the mother rabbit. She is surrounded by the dismembered remains of here children. Bloods is dripping from her mouth and covers the rest of her body from head to toe. Her eyes are open wide in a look of crazed desperation. She is totally unharmed, and panting heavily.
tl;dr: 5 year old wakes up one day to find his rabbit has gone all "HERE'S JOHNNY!" on her children and mate.
Edit: tense (god, can't believe I messed that up)
bowmaster17: Hoolee shiet, man!
perrythebari: Yeah, you think I could post this to r/creepy? I put a lot of work into that story (not making it up, just had to make sure the imagery was vivid enough).
bowmaster17: With some touches, yes. I had a similar experience, but with a fish. Same thing, body parts all over, turns out a dragonfly larva had gotten inside the tank and had sliced it in half.
perrythebari: What touches? It was a riveting story when he told it, off-the-cuff, and I haven't seemed to capture it since.
bowmaster17: Actually, it is just fine
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1406432353 | 1406468320 | t3_2btzr1 | t5_2to41 | 35 | Izawwlgood: TIFU by listening to instructions during a pilots lesson
For my birthday, my fiance bought me a pilots lesson at a nearby airport, due to my love of KSP and machines and speed and shut up I don't need to explain this part.
So we drive out to this airport, get there a bit early, and share a sandwich. The instructor approaches me and says since it's a first time thing, he'll probably just go easy and give me the basics and we'll see how much I want to learn.
This is awesome. We're walking around this Cessna and pushing on flaps and in the admittedly very cramped cockpit I'm pulling levers and pushing switches. It's amazing. He starts by having me get a feel for the rudder pedals and breaks as we taxi down the runway, and it's awkward, but I get the hang of it. We take off and holy shit I'm fucking flying! This is beyond rad! It's kind of turbulent, so it's way trickier than I imagined it would be, but after about 15m with some prodding and tips, I'm able to maintain stable flight, I can tell from the instruments what angles and shit to aim for, etc. I take us on a nice tight 360 left, a nice tight 360 right, and then do a figure 8. This is so rad.
"So can we do any tricks?" I ask.
"Not in this plane unfortunately, but I can show you what a stall feels like!" he awesomely replies, as he angles the plane up and drops the throttle. There's a definite lurch, a momentary feeling of weightlessness like at the top of a rollercoaster, and then we fall for a split second and he pulls us into a glide. I feel a moment of queasiness but it passes. So so rad.
"You really seem to have a knack for this man," he says. "So here, try and regulate your flight speed by looking at this dial, say, between 75 and 80 knots, only by adjusting your pitch. Throttle is for adjusting altitude, pitch is for adjusting speed."
So I'm staring at this dial, checking against my ADI (boom, flight lingo), and can keep my speed right around where he wants me to. But it starts feeling a little hot. My head is spinning. "I feel kind of airsick" I say into the mic.
"Oh shit, yeah, look at the horizon, lets get some air on you." He says as he twists a vent to push cool air at me. It's too late.
I manage to open the window latch and just BARF, I mean, really fucking puke out the damn thing. 2,000 feet below us I'm sure what isn't sticking to the side of plane or my shoulder or the mic ruined a perfectly good picnic. Obviously, he takes over.
"Man, I'm so sorry." he's saying. "I shouldn't have had you staring at those dials on your first go at this, don't worry it happens all the time." (Ahh, the sweet lies of empathy).
"You're sorry?!" I moan. "Man, this is embara- HURRRRRK" comes the rest of the sandwich.
Ultimately, I barfed 5 times in that plane. I've been motion sick once in my life, so, this is super odd. The instructor was super understanding and comforting, and apologized profusely, saying most introductory lessons go up in the smallest, bounciest plane they have since it's cheapest and they figure people won't be coming back. He said I have a knack for flying, and was simultaneously impressed that I didn't lose my aviators or upset the plane as I barfed out a window at 80 knots.
tl;dr: TIFU by getting airsick for the first time in my life showing off for a flight instructor.
And yes, my fiance has photos of me wiping down a vomit streaked plane with my shirt.
styrpled1: Pilot/former instructor here. Can confirm doesn't happen all the time!
FieelChannel: I'd LOVE to try a piloting lesson like OP's one, how does it works? And how does it costs usually? I thought that even before being on a plane (let alone piloting) you had loads of theory classes to attend and so on. Can you clarify? Thanks :)
Izawwlgood: I think it was about 100 bucks, give or take. The first 10m was theory, though if he was teaching someone who wanted their licence, it might have been more theory.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1406435509 | 1406510189 | t3_2bu3t0 | t5_2to41 | 139 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing a split in my room naked
I am in my room on a Saturday night watching Netflix. I decide to practice doing splits and stretches because I want to regain my flexibility. I have my legs spread wide open away from the door and towards my computer screen. I decide to do the kind of stretch that I used to do in gymnastics when I was a kid: butt up and horizontal to the ground instead of a sitting box split. Suddenly I hear my dad wake up and go into my mom's room but I disregard it because my door is locked. The next thing I know, my door is wide open and my legs are spread toward the door, and I hear footsteps. It is only obvious that he saw what I was doing.
Today my dad saw what I would look like getting fucked from the back. I don't know what to do. The worst part is that he thought I was masturbating but I wasn't. I would rather have my dad catch me masturbating than have him walk in on me with my legs spread open towards his face. Good thing I'm leaving for college in another country in 2 weeks. I probably won't be coming home now.
Bananaboatsunshine: They have seen you naked before. He probably doesn't care. I got caught masturbating when I was living back at home. The shower was on in the background. All my mum said was "STOP WASTING WATER" and closed the door again lol.
SirVelocifaptor: I know that feel, I think my mom has caught me masturbating more than I wish to tell
rob_var: haha this reminds me of the time i was wanking it while she was cooking. I turn the lights off and start going at it. I'm close to finishing and get so into it I don't hear her footsteps. she opens the door to tell me dinner is ready and I jump and frantically try to pull my pants up while closing the tabs with the other hand. Unfortunately I fail at both things so I just crouch down and look straight at the computer and close what I had open. She got upset and took my computer that day. It became the family computer and was in the living room. I would stay up til 2 waiting for everyone to go to sleep so I could do my business. I ended up getting caught a few more times after that lol
Chaotic_Flame: >mom cooking
>wanking in living room
didn't you have a bedroom?
rob_var: i was in the bedroom that's why i put that she took it away and it became the family computer in the living room
I probably should have clarified
Chaotic_Flame: Oh, duh!
I somehow read it as
>It became the family computer and [I] was in the living room
| 7 | 19.857143 | |
1406437699 | 1406461860 | t3_2bu6es | t5_2to41 | 72 | SheepdogThrowaway: TIFU by putting a sticker on my fiance's butt
So my fiance and I were playing around this morning. Flirting, teasing each other sexually. The typical stuff that leads to getting hot and heavy. We just woke up and I havent had my vitally necessary caffeine. My fiance pulls the XXL sticker off a new shirt I had bought and stuck it to the front of my boxers and makes a comment about the size of my penis. Since I often do things like smack or pinch her butt, my caffeine-deprived brain had the genius idea to pull off the sticker...and stick.it to her butt.
A horrified looks comes across my fiance's face and she tells me to get the hell out. I think shes fucking with me but i see her face turning red and she slams the.door in my face. This is.right when i realized what i had just done. Needless to say, this guys been in the dog house all day long...
MetalEd: **DOOMED**
If you say you like big butts, she's mad at you because you said she has a big butt.
If you say her butt isn't big, she'll be mad because you wouldn't have put that there unless you thought it was.
Women: not even once.
6romperstomper9: This reminds me of when my ex wife asked if it was ok to get boob job. "What for?" I asked. She says to make them bigger. I told her to wipe her boobs with toilet paper.
"Why would I do that?" she asked.
"It worked for your arse" I responded.
edit; spelling, changed tissue to paper.
palindrex: This reminds me of oh so many lame jokes that everyone knows yet someone always feels way original for telling them like they happend to them.
6romperstomper9: Well I actually did say it to her.
I also told her she could have 1 boob done when she informed me of the cost. It ended up being a family joke.....but we must be lame.
palindrex: That joke is age-old and everyone knows it. I don't doubt that you actually did say that, but that doesn't make it any less lame.
6romperstomper9: Are you being facetious?
| 7 | 10.285714 | |
1406436831 | 1406477810 | t3_2bu5f3 | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: Tifu by making fun of a girl I've been dating' dead parents
Tonight over dinner she told me she was an orphan. She was incredibly in control in the conversation over it. I asked her some questions about how some of the details worked out and then the fuck up.
I joked about her being batman (a compliment in my mind). However from there it got worse ending in a joke I can't bring myself to repeat. I was a fucking douchebag, even as I said I mumbled the end because of how fucking awful it was.
I have no idea why I did this. None, I like this girl. She handled everything like a boss and until the last joke she didn't say a thing. I'm pretty sure we're done, I can't complain about that. I just wish I had never said anything and she wouldn't be hurt over it.
Today I fucked up beyond belief or decent humanity.
fuckitx: Are you kidding. Whats the actual joke
Sharkbite116: Yes, please do share, we won't break up with you, we promise.
[deleted]: What do orphans get at Christmas?
Lonely
Sharkbite116: Not sure if funny...
PIRATEghost85: it is
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1406436332 | 1406483184 | t3_2bu4tm | t5_2to41 | 12 | suigenic: TIFU by being VERY DEFINITELY poly
Disclaimer: I've know that I'm a poly man for a while now, tried to ignore it for the sake of various mono partners, almost never works out. I've tried to convince myself I can rock a mono relationship for a while.
Today I fucked up really, really bad holy shit.
I've been flirting with this guy for a while, let's call him Cecil. Cecil and I have had a complicated relationship over the years. I was with a boyfriend, cheated with Cecil because I can't handle being in a two person relationship, and ended up dating him for a while. We broke up because he went to the hospital and with no contact I assumed he lost interest in me and we just stopped talking.
Fast forward about a year and I'm dating this amazing genderqueer person, let's call them Kevin. Kevin and I have been dating for close to six months, no problems. We've both been through rehab for various things and been a-ok.
I started hanging out with Cecil again, got drunk, he blew me. I figured it wasn't a big deal until he came out and admitted that he still had feelings for me. I still felt for him, too- we hadn't really had a reason for ending our relationship- and we determined that bringing it up to Kevin was the responsible thing to do.
Kevin was livid. Apparently Kevin has hated Cecil for a few years, absolutely can't stand the guy, and I had no idea. Kevin's pissed about me cheating, me drinking so soon after rehab, and even suggesting that a poly relationship would be anywhere near ok. They added later that if it was someone besides Cecil it might have worked out, but I think they just felt guilty about shooting me down, so I don't have high hopes there.
I'm now no longer allowed to hang out with, talk to or about Cecil. I get to see him one last time to say our goodbyes before essentially leaving him. I feel shitty that Kevin made me choose between the two of them, because I love both. If I hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have been happy, but I would have still been able to hang out with Cecil. It was more than fuckbuddies. We had a meaningful relationship and just being able to snuggle on the couch with him was great.
I feel emotionally exhausted and overwhelmingly sad, but even if I'd left Kevin for Cecil I would feel just as shitty. I got myself stuck.
TLDR; tried to convince partner to enter a poly relationship, now forbidden to see lover.
breadfollowsme: Quote from my poly friend: "If one partner hasn't consented to the poly relationship, it's not poly, it's cheating." You didn't try to convince your partner to enter a poly relationship, you cheated on him and convinced yourself it was okay because of some character quality about yourself. Wanting to be poly isn't an excuse to betray people who believe that you're faithful to them. You need to start being up front with your partners about what you expect in your relationships. If you expect to be able to see multiple partners, your boyfriends need to know that up front.
suigenic: I've brought up that I'm poly multiple times, Kevin's always just sort of changed the subject. I figured instead of continuing to cheat, I should ask about an open relationship before fessing up.
| 3 | 4 | |
1406439233 | 1406495781 | t3_2bu813 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting in my GF's toilet.
This is happening as I type. I'm at my girlfriend's house right now and I just took the biggest dump I've had... I've been constipated for a few days. I took my dump about 5 minutes ago (it's 1:30am as I type this).
Little did I know that my gf's mother would be up at this time. She got up and went to use the same washroom... And now I hear her throwing up...
And I KNOW that she knows it was me. What do I do? My girlfriend's asleep right now, so I'm not going to wake her up just to tell her her mom's vomiting in the washroom next door.
Jesus, her mother must know I did the crime. I feel so bad right now. She's puking and heaving in the washroom. I know it's not from some other thing (such as sickness or w/e.) because I had just seen her a couple hours ago and she was fine. I KNOW she smelled it. It has to be it. She's probably so disgusted of me right now.
TL;DR:
Took a dump late at night at my GF's house. Didn't know her mother would get up and go into the same washroom. Her mom is puking now.
_marshmellon_: Alpha. So fucking Alpha.
YaBoyNick: this
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1406441717 | 1406486035 | t3_2buail | t5_2to41 | 13 | oscar_from_telesales: TIFU by trusting traffic lights
It was my SO's birthday yesterday, and we had gone out to a fancy place to eat and celebrate. We're holidaying to Melbourne on Monday to celebrate further, so she decided to skip the pill and move her period back a week to free everything up for the trip. Red light for the last 5 days.
Meal went well, headed back to hers and we had a shower and got ready for bed and she assures me it's a green light at last. Lights off, decided I'd treat her to extra attention down there, got my tongue into it and everything. No issue.
Woke up in the morning, went out to the kitchen to have breakfast with her parents, was more awkward than usual but I was hungover and didn't care.
Went for a shower, looked in the mirror and realised my body looked like the scene of a vaginal explosion.
TIFU by trusting a green light and going down on my girlfriend while she was still on her period, then greeting her parents with period smeared like war paint on my face and clothing.
Edit: clarifying that I didn't leave the house for breakfast, her parents were at home with us
michellexkarma: So, you're SO didn't happen to see the explosion of red all over your face? Not a chance in hell.
oscar_from_telesales: She was asleep, hence not joining me for breakfast with her parents
michellexkarma: And you didn't TASTE anything different? I've been completely shit faced and had the displeasure of finding out a girl was on her rag.
oscar_from_telesales: Nope, I've had a blocked nose. As easy as it is to be disbelieving, I really am that naive when it comes to these things.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1406441564 | 1406477185 | t3_2buadl | t5_2to41 | 79 | tifu_happy: TIFU: being high.
It might seem crazy what I'm about to say: So I have only smoked before a few times, and I decided I would smoke with my brother and watch a comedy. (My brothers 20, I'm 17) all goes well probably a [7], so the WiFi cuts out, so I go to restart the router. I begin to sneak downstairs to the router to find my mother there- I've never been high around anyone but my brother because it's a rare thing I do with him. So I quick think of an excuse for sneaking around, I was head to get water. Sweet this is working. Go to give her a hug good night (I had only smoked about 10 minutes ago, so my breath stunk.) If I didn't hug her she'd know something was up. So I hug her and she says why is your heart beating so fast- my mind stalled I was like think of an adjective to say "oh I was X" anything word like startled or surprised would be good. I blurt out "may be because I'm happy" I internally think what the fuck did I just say. I can see her eyes and how she's thinking, I burst in to Pharrell Williams song, Happy. She smells my breath and I crack like a egg.
My parents are upset- rightfully so, but I cannot believe I said happy.
_Fresh: Hahahahahaha this is a story that you will all laugh about for a long time....just give it 3-5 years.
Tipsly: Thats what my half brothers dad said when my half brother(basically my brother, known him all my life, just different dads) flipped his dads truck with me and his dad also in it, whilst in the middle of the desert. I don't laugh about it and it's been 4 years. We all could of died, but somehow we all walked away with no injuries, minus me smashing my finger in the door of the truck(no damage, just hurt).
[deleted]: Ok
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1406424342 | 1406480729 | t3_2btp76 | t5_2to41 | 21 | throwawayforbitches: TIFU by having sex while the inside of my car got soaked. [NSFW?]
So, I just came back from a road trip vacation with my family, and my father who smokes was in my car with me. I'm personally not a smoker, so I decided to leave my windows open when I got home today to air out the smell. My girlfriend and I foolishly said, "Oh yeah, we'll check the weather and make sure it's not supposed to rain today..."
Fast-Forward a few hours:
My girlfriend and I are having sex in the shower and we start hearing a little bit of thunder. We're right in the middle of everything, so we don't even give it much thought. I decide to wash my hair since I was in a car for over six hours today, and needed a shower anyway. Halfway through shampooing, I realize the windows are still open, I scream, "FUCKKKKKKK!!!", scare my girlfriend, jump out of the shower, grab a bath towel, and run outside.
The windows are still open in my car and it's pouring.
I manage to get the windows up, but since I'm only wearing a bath towel, at least six to ten people see my bare ass. I live in a neighborhood with a lot of older folks/people I've known my entire life AND I live on a high traffic street. I went back inside, got clothes on, and started wiping all of the water off from inside my car. Got a couple of strange looks from some neighbors... Everything seems to be working okay, but I can't even air out the car tomorrow since I don't have a garage and it's supposed to storm all day again tomorrow.
TIFU reddit, TIFU.
Hawkeye7696: They were probably just shocked at the tent pole that was most likely happening.
throwawayforbitches: I am actually a girl ;) haha so no tent pole.
Hawkeye7696: Oh. Well, then.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1406443341 | 1406470360 | t3_2bubyp | t5_2to41 | 262 | MobofGlitch: TIFU By Drinking On Medication Labled "Do Not Drink Alcohol While Taking This Medication"
So I recently started taking a new SSRI Anti-Anxiety Medication for some anxiety related stomach issues. Bottle is labled "Do not drink alcohol"...but last night I made the brilliant informed decision that it was written by some virgin neckbeard at the pharmaceutical company who was just trying to ruin my weekend. Woke up in the morning with several large puncture wounds across my face & blood covering my bed with no recollection of anything. After nursing my wounds I asked my roommate who I was out with what happened. He'res the highlights of what he filled me in on.
*Went to the bar.
*Had a couple drinks & a shot or 2
*Closed out the bar
*Decided to get pizza before heading home.
*In line for pizza there were 3 relatively trashy Jersey Shore-esque type girls in line taking loudly & being obnoxious and who said something to me (unknown exactly what) that apparently pissed off drunk me off for some reason.
*I respond by calling them Jersey trash.
*They responded with one of those trashy girl group tirades where they all get hyped up and begin yelling incomprehensible insults at the same time with a lot of finger pointing and hand waving.
*I decide that the best response to this is calling them all "Muff Cabbage"
*They do not take kindly to this, and continue their tirade, now threatening to fuck me up.
*I then respond by yelling "Muff Cabbage" repeatedly - very loudly now.
*They try to tell their boyfriend to beat me up. He just laughs.
*My Pizza is ready...I acquire the pizza
*Girls are still yelling incomprehensible insults at me. On my way out the door I close the argument with "You are all muff cabbage...also you're fat, you're fat, and you're fat." (They weren't that fat but drunk me knows that shit totally will ruin their week..and they deserved it).
*I walk out the door & begin eating pizza.
*Out of nowhere one of the muff cabbage girls comes up from behind and begins punching me repeatedly in the face with several big ass rings on her fingers. I'm so drunk it takes me a while to realize whats happening so Im just laughing the whole time. She walks back in the bar.
*When I realize I just got punched I turn and say "wtf was that" to some random dude standing next to me. and he says "I don't know but I think you're cut bro"
*I reach to feel my face and look at my hand to find it covered in blood.
*I realize my face is now profusely draining blood... so I momentarily freak out. I quickly try to flag down a cab to go home. But every cab driver sees me drunkenly waving at them with streams of blood dripping down my head & quickly speeds away.
*I then begin running down the street yelling angrily at every cab and car to pick me up (which apparently looked more like a drunken bloody zombie chasing a meal)
*Nice cab driver finally stops for me & takes me home.
*Completely forgot I left my roommate alone at the pizza place.
*I now have large gashes over my eye from the rings, and a big lump with a bloody hole in the middle of my forehead that makes me look like an Indian unicorn
I am normally a pretty in controlled person while drinking alcohol, especially after only 3 or 4 drinks. I've never been in a real fight before either. But apparently the medication caused my tolerance to drop substantially. So a few drinks took me into an obnoxious, violent, blackout state where I thought yelling "Muff Cabbage" was the best way to diffuse a hostile situation.
**TLDR** Didn't heed the warning label on the pill bottle, got beat up by Muff Cabbage
BetterWhenImDrunk: Shit man I used to call that a tuesday, but with your permission I'm adding "Muff Cabbage" to my vocabulary.
Helixdaunting: It's from an episode of South Park. I think it's called "It's a Jersey thing".
AnoK760: You're.... cabbage....
| 4 | 65.5 | |
1406443047 | 1406469895 | t3_2bubpk | t5_2to41 | 40 | NumbReflex: TIFU by getting too drunk and sharting myself. NSFW
**TL;DR:** Got drunk, sharted myself, received oral sex, probably got poop in her mouth, passed out.
This happened a couple months ago, but I was hesitant to post it online for a while.
So I'm in college on a Friday night. What else is there to do but go to parties on Friday nights in college? Plenty of stuff, but nothing that I was interested in doing this particular Friday. I'm at a party in my dorm building, and it's pretty packed. I didn't really know anyone there, so I grabbed some drinks to get myself more open to meeting new people.
I got drunk and started talking to a group of people I hadn't met before. They were nice people and we were all telling jokes and having a good time together. But I started to feel some gastrointestinal pressure building up in my gut. I really really had to fart, but I didn't want them to hear it. I hadn't known them for very long, and I didn't want to be known as the guy who gets drunk and farts. So I decided to let it out slowly and gradually, as to make it silent.
If there's one thing I've learned in my lifetime, it's to never trust a silent fart. I was taught this lesson the hard way that night as I slowly let out the loudest, squeakiest, longest, wettest fart I think I've ever had. I freaked out thinking that they'd heard it, but they carried on the conversation like I hadn't just released some sort of monster from my bowels.
Drunk me suddenly remembered that it was a very wet fart. So I casually swung my hips forwards and back to see if my boxers would stick to my legs (sharted myself) or if they'd swing freely (didn't shart myself). Well, they stuck. I had sharted myself because I was so drunk.
I realized I had about 10 seconds before the smell started to get to them, and I planned my exit strategy. I would pretend to go to the bathroom for a minute, but leave the party instead. "Uh, hey guys, I gotta pee real quick. I'll be right back." Smooth. I was in the clear.
I sort of waddled out of the room, in the way you do when you have sharted yourself and don't want to spread it all over your butt and thighs. You know the waddle I'm talking about. I got into the hall and breathed a sigh of relief over getting out without being detected.
But then my phone rang.
It was a girl I'd been sleeping with casually for a couple weeks. She was trying to get me on a booty call. And drunk me was horny.
So I knock on her door, and she pulls me in immediately. She started kissing me as soon as I was in her room, and whispers in my ear that she wants to have sex. I remembered the liquid shart all over my rear end.
"Yeah sure, let me just take a shower first. I'm all gross from this party I just left."
Smooth.
"No, I want you now." She was unrelenting. Usually, this would be cool, but tonight was a different kind of night.
"Really, I should shower first."
"I really want you now!"
"Let me shower first, and then I'll do whatever you like."
I started walking into her bathroom. I'd been spending the night here and showering in her bathroom for a couple weeks, so it wasn't that weird. Something she said made me stop for a moment right before I closed the door.
"What if I just went down on you instead?"
Drunk me wasn't about to pass up on a blowjob. So I agreed, foolishly.
We go into her room and I lay down on her bed, and she starts to go to town. She's getting adventurous with it and trying things that were new for both of us. Her tongue drifts a little further south than usual, and makes contact with my balls.
I remember that I sharted myself.
I freak out.
I'm paralyzed with fear, and can't bring myself to tell her there's likely some liquid shit on my balls that she's licking.
I somehow finish after a few more minutes of this. I sit up awkwardly, and grab my towel again.
"Thanks, but I'm really going to take that shower now."
I stand up to leave, and look back at the bed.
There's a four inch brown streak on her sheets.
She looks at it.
She looks at me.
She grabs a baby wipe off her desk and says, "Whoops!" in a sing-songy voice.
I proceed to take the most shameful shower of my life, then crawl into bed and pass out with her.
That wasn't even the weirdest sexual experience I had with her, either. But by far the most memorable.
**TL;DR:** Got drunk, sharted myself, received oral sex, probably got poop in her mouth, passed out.
Edit: She's on reddit as well (along with my current girlfriend), so let's hope neither is subscribed to this subreddit.
GrossartigSzene: What the hell was the weirdest, then?
NumbReflex: I was drunk and she convinced me to fist her
MrWhongWhong: What? How? I don't even...
There only one thing I can say:
What ever happens OP: You keep that one!
| 4 | 10 | |
1406449615 | 1406452724 | t3_2buh0t | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU my chance to get a job.
This fuck up was not accomplished alone. I'm on mobile so yeah.
So I am not able to get a job for whatever reason. I have only ever worked in a library (4 years) and my second, most recent, place of employment fired me because my boss wanted to go on vacation (but this is a whole other story.) I've asked hiring managers why I'm getting turned away and it's either "too much education" or "not enough work history/experience."
Either way, they do not want to train me.
The other day I saw an opening for a library position and applied for that bitch on the spot. Library positions are apparently rare where I live. Someone needs to die for one to open.
So I apply, and everything is good. Fast forward to today and my SO is drinking. I'm following up with the hiring manager via the email address that was provided. I type out 1/3 of the email and my SO is drunk and wants my attention. I ignore him and tell him to wait. I'm almost finished.
That's not good enough and he grabs the top of my phone, pushing the "send" button *exactly* and away my message goes. I cannot bring it back. I cannot undo it.
Now, I wasn't in the process of typing anything that would be misinterpreted, but this job requires extreme attention to detail, display of technological skills and know-how etc etc. Everything that I just showcased I am not good at.
I immediately sent another email, apologizing for the mistake and included the full email I had intended to send. Despite this, I don't think I will be getting this job either, and my SO is now angry-drunk.
TL;DR: Can't get job. SO sent unfinished email to hiring manager. I am not detail oriented. I'm still unemployed. He's the one who is mad for some reason.
guess_the_acronym: That is not your fuck up it's the alcohol's fault.
Call_me_Kelly: That is not your fuck up, it's the *alcoholic's fault.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1406451288 | 1407993382 | t3_2bui87 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by being subscribed to /r/cemeteryporn
**TL;DR Girlfriend suspects I'm into that dead pussy.**
*/r/cemeteryporn is one of the many 'porn' subreddits that sound rather inappropriate without any context (shoutout to /r/vexillology for not being called /r/flagporn)*
Anyways, people post some eerily beautiful cemeteries there so I was going through all the pictures on the subreddit last night and I enjoyed it. But it was getting really late so I just closed my laptop after a while and went to sleep.
It's morning, I'm waking up but I notice my SO isn't laying next to me. I look around the room half-asleep and see that she's on my laptop at the desk with her back at me. I say good morning to her but she just turns around coldly and says 'we need to talk'. Oh dear.
She looks at me in a questionable way and says she was on the Internet and that she noticed my browsing history. I hadn't made the click yet, but then she said: cemetery porn? **CEMETERY PORN? WHAT THE FUCK?**
I was shocked for a second but then I rembered what it really was. So I started laughing and explained her the whole thing and that it was just a website full of pictures of cemeteries with dead people and showed her (she didn't dare to click first).
But she didn't start laughing like me, she just kept looking weird at me. Then I realised it was still pretty fucking weird that I looked at that stuff.
She then just said *'Uhh yeah, whatever'* and went out.
[deleted]: I think she f***ed up by using your Laptop, firing up your browser and using your reddit without your permission (I assume so).
TheSonOfBrodin: Correct me if I'm wrong but browsing history does not require reddit.
[deleted]: You are totally right, but browsing your SO's browsing history makes it just... worse? ;)
wolfkin: >Anyways, people post some eerily beautiful cemeteries there so I was going through all the pictures on the subreddit last night and I enjoyed it. But it was getting really late so I just closed my laptop after a while and went to sleep.
he just closed the laptop. It would easily have been showing through an alternate tab which would spur the history check.
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/HUqjoiW.png)
| 5 | 4 | |
1406462195 | 1406467608 | t3_2bupmq | t5_2to41 | 3 | jupiterq: TIFU by being young
This happened when I was around 8 or 9. It was Christmas day and and i was at my grans. My uncle, who lives across the country (I live in Scotland, he lives in London) was here for Christmas. We decided that since my grans kitchen was so small, we would go out for Christmas dinner.
So, we arrive at the restaurant, and we all sit down. The waiter proceeds to give us all menus. I used to love ham sandwiches, so I looked at some ham on the menu. I decided I would have Virginia ham. The waiter comes back around and asks us all what we want.
Now, this is where I go and say "can I have the vagina ham please?" Being 8 with a young mind, and people laughing at me, I had no idea what was going on.
Now, my mother has an embarrassing story to tell any of my future girlfriends.
TL;DR was young; asked for vagina ham instead of Virginia ham. Mum has embarrassing story.
Cryzgnik: > Today I Fucked Up about a dozen years ago
jupiterq: Well, the rules do state it does not have to be today. It was around 8 years ago.
SneakyJays: Didn't post about it that very day? Too late, now its a 'I fucked up while ago' post.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406465713 | 1406547046 | t3_2busgw | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not sleeping
I f'd up by drinking 3L of vanilla coke before bed, on a Sunday night.
Uni tomorrow, 7 hours straight, with 2 labs.
Finished drinking at 9 or so, now 1 am so naturally on Reddit.
I don't drink alcohol, so caffeine is my poison of choice.
Only drank it because I have the sad feels from life. Caffeine isn't the same as alcohol though. Just makes you more awake.
Edit: I might mention the 4 cans of V that I had a bit before that too.
It's terrible for teeth, but ehh, don't care.
[deleted]: Lol wow that's an absolute mh17 disaster!
PIRATEghost85: Too soon
LordSyyn: Dude, you just shot down his joke.
PIRATEghost85: Wasnt me
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1406465815 | 1406467407 | t3_2busk1 | t5_2to41 | 7 | SneakyJays: TIFU by suggesting to my new girlfriend that we'll have kids together.
I'm 17 and my girlfriend is 16, her and I were celebrating our '3 months' (any excuse to go out on a friday night). We were eating sushi and just chatting away, deep in conversation I bring up my opinion of gaming. I say "You'll see, one day when our kids are our age, esports will have taken over!" The puzzled look was stained on her face while she sat in silence, waiting for me to explain why we're having kids together and iv'e decided this after dating for a few months at a young age. She said, "I really do like you but don't you think its a little soon to be thinking about kids together?" It would probably have been easier to have let it go, rather than increase my foolishness by making no sense while I awkwardly try and explain what I meant. I still believe she thinks I have planned our wedding...
DatWalrusDoe: Sounds like she read WAAAY too much into that. I would have taken "our kids" as her kids as well as your kids.
SneakyJays: We laugh at it now, but she was scared for a little bit.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406465412 | 1406670435 | t3_2bus81 | t5_2to41 | 224 | [deleted]: TIFU by exposing my disturbing secret fetish to my group of friends
This actually happened in May, but it has changed my relationship with many of my friends for the worse in a lasting way.
I get turned on and masturbate to photos online of Sarah (not her real name), a woman who's daughter was abducted. I'm not sure whether this breaks rule 5, so I won't give her real name, although she is a well-know household name in Britain. She is a ~40 year old mother who, several years ago, was on holiday abroad, and her daughter was kidnapped. Never to be seen again. Really sad story and I can't imagine how hard it was for her.
However, something about Sarah's physical appearance is extremely attractive to me. She is just so alluring. Whenever she appears on the news I get turned on. I browse news articles about her story, and I save photos of her on my computer. She is slim, has beautiful hair, a gorgeous face, nice breasts. I have dozens of photos of her saved in a folder on my PC.
This is where it gets weird(er): On 'notepad' I write detailed imaginary scenarios in which I meet Sarah and we have hook up somehow. Just fantasies. I save these stories in the same folder as the photos.
I have been doing this for several years.
Fast-foward to this past May. I spilled some 7up on my laptop and some of the keys didn't work, so I sent it in for a one-day repair. However I have read all the Reddit stories of computer repair guys snooping through people's hard drives, so I put all the pics/stories of Sarah (along with a powerpoint presentation I have been working on for university) onto a USB stick.
That day I went into university to use their computer for my work (as mine was in repair) and took the USB stick. Met up with a few friends there and we were all hanging out in the computer room and working. We went for a joint at some point and I ended up getting so high that when I left I forgot to take the USB stick. But my friend's remained there to keep working.
I realised when I was on the bus and jumped off but it took me like half an hour to get back to uni. I walk into the room and I see 3 of my best friends (at the time) at the computer with pics of Sarah open and scrolling through my massive Notepad file of fucked up stories.
I just walked over, grabbed the stick out of the computer, and left, saying I was in a rush. One of them stopped talking to me entirely since then, and the other two are very awkward around me and won't invite me to hang out anymore.
Tl;Dr - I have a weird fetish for a grieving mother and my friends found photos and read my fantasy stories, and now are no longer my friends
el_crunz: Fuck your friends but I think I know exactly who you are talking about. You should be have been more careful with such an odd thing. But you were high, I get it.
[deleted]: >I think I know exactly who you are talking about
Do you also think she's hot?
[deleted]: Oh hell yeah, she is a stunner. You're talking about [her, right?](http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1363842/thumbs/o-KATE-MCCANN-facebook.jpg)
el_crunz: LOL why did you make a profile just for that? Get a grip.
satbotrbvaa: What
el_crunz: That's eI crunz, not el crunz. We're not the same person. Although eI crunz is a good chap.
pk3maross: Ive been staring at these 2 names for 10 minutes and dont see a difference. What am i missing?
el_crunz: I'm eL, they're eI.
I_Rike_Reddit: You're both the same person.
el_crunz: I assure you we are not.
awall621: You sure?
el_crunz: Unless I am crazier than I thought, I am sure.
| 13 | 17.230769 | |
1406426459 | 1406573240 | t3_2bts0x | t5_2to41 | 5 | beardedbard_wnc: TIFU by ruining an antique table
I've been staying in my brother's guest house, which is full of his wife's mother's antiques. I'm usually very careful around them so as not to mess anything up. Unfortunately, there was an old sewing table next to the fridge I had been using as a catchall. Yesterday, I had sat an empty fast food cup on it because the trash bag was full. Apparantly, there was still enough liquid in it to cause it to sweat onto the table. I came home to a note saying I had "destroyed it". I want to apologize of course, but I don't want it to sound hollow, and I'm nervous about approaching her about it.
KoNP: If he was so concerned about it then why the fuck did he put it next to the fridge? I could be here for hours listing all the things that could go wrong simply by it being in the kitchen.
Voyager5555: Probably because the guest house is used for antique storage.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406466794 | 1406487735 | t3_2butey | t5_2to41 | 2 | Breast_Inspections: TIFU By Thinking Too Much
rya11111: Removed. Rule 8. In case of need of assistance kindly post to /r/SuicideWatch
Thank you
Breast_Inspections: I feel that was unnecessary to do, as I am in no way a suicide risk. I just needed to vent a little. but what a way to handle that situation guys. "hey we think you a screwed up in the head, post somewhere else" brilliant! I bet your friends come to you for advice all the time!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406467714 | 1406470760 | t3_2buu9h | t5_2to41 | 2 | Super_Deeg: TIFU by reading this sub.
Whitezombie70: This one time I punched somebody on purpose, because they were being an asshole, and they deserved it.
Super_Deeg: I like this one. It has a lot if spunk.
| 3 | 0.666667 |
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