start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1350489450 | 1350583133 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: Restroom Confusion
NeoMilitant: Why were you in a hospital waiting room for 3 days?
VinF: My mother-in-law is dying.
NeoMilitant: Ahh, that sucks. I thought it was just from terrible service. I know most people will offer condolences and hope they pull through, I'll instead say I'm sure she's lived a full life and will leave no regrets. Pain is only temporary but it is the difference between life *and death. Whether or not you believe in an afterlife I'm sure that the knowledge she has shared throughout her life will carry on her spirit.
Edit: changed a word
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1350496913 | 1350505976 | null | t5_2to41 | 228 | friedspacecakes: TIFU by making my friend drink windshield de-icer on his birthday.
So, before i start this. Let me say that it was a complete and honest accident. A group of us (about 9 or 10) were having a bonfire for my friends birthday. Couple bottles of vodka, nothing to special. Well. A couple other people were supposed to show up later and bring more alcohol. We had all the alcohol and drinks and whatnot sitting on a big cable spool by the fire. After everyone had had a few drinks (definitely including myself) I saw a clear bottle of orange shit with no label on it. So naturally, since all the alcohol was on this table, and it's not unheard of to mix orange juice and vodka in mass quantities which is exactly what this stuff looked like in firelight, i took the cap off, smelled it (didn't smell like alcohol per-say, but hell, i was drunk. What did i know?) "HERE MATT. DRINK THIS. ITS ORANGE JUICE AND VODKA" Btw, i asked a few other people what they thought it was, and got replies like "eh, maybe moonshine? idk." So matt takes the jug, swigs a couple times, and immediately throws up. I just thought it was really strong alcohol or something. Not 5 minutes later the friend who's house i was at takes the jug and walks off towards the woods and i yell "Careful, that's moonshine!" His reply was a dumbfounded look followed by "No the fuck it's not, this is windshield de-icer..why..who drank some.." Matt immediately starts throwing up again at the sheer thought of drinking de-icer i suppose. I didn't think he had anymore left in him. But anyways, after we made him drink like 10 bottles of water and he said he felt fine. So there it is guys. My first read-worthy reason to post in TIFU.
bjackman: Shit sooooooon he was lucky! Apparently antifreeze contains chemicals that bind irrevocably to your haemoglobinz (like carbon monoxide does) and kills the shit out of you.
I duno if de-icer is the same stuff. I googled it and stuff about isopropyl alcochol came up, which must be relatively harmless coz I've put that on wounds and stuff (ouchy). I hope that's what was in the bottle!
friedspacecakes: This was actually a couple days ago, but i've checked in on him every day since. He felt a little funky the day after, but he insists he feels fine now. I dont know exactly how much he drank, but it didn't stay in his system for more than a second and a half at the most. Definitely not one of my finer moments in being the bartender at a bonfire.
CaptainVulva: Jesus. I'm saving your story to share with my kids, in hope of gradual attrition to their opportunities of fatal idiocy.
friedspacecakes: As long as someone learns from my misfortune.
CaptainVulva: Oh don't worry, it goes in along with leagues of idiotic potentially fatal shit I've done.
friedspacecakes: I think we all have at least..a few of those stories.
| 7 | 32.571429 | |
1350517179 | 1350991949 | null | t5_2to41 | 323 | Donkey-boner: TIFU by going to the wrong lecture and sitting in the middle of everyone
I sat right in the middle and have been here for about half an hour
I have been asked a couple questions and got them very wrong
zoter: this is exactly how [this started](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PAtFsJY5q0)
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: What he said in Russian does NOT mean "I am the machine."
TheOriginalGalatea: What does it mean?
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Like everything he said in Russian during this talk, nothing, really. "I to the car" would be my first guess, but it really has no meaning.
TheOriginalGalatea: So, is his story made up? Hugely elaborated? Or has he fried his brain with so much alcohol, etc., that he has lost whatever tenuous grasp he may have had on the Russian vocabulary?
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: I'm sure it's some combination of misremembering and not knowing Russian. He never really claims to know Russian, but it's even worse than he thinks.
| 7 | 46.142857 | |
1350514344 | 1350751535 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | MoralSupportFalcon: TIFU a task my 9 year old sister could have handled.
(To be clear, this was a fuck-up that occurred recently. I only now found this subreddit.) I just started working for a fast food joint. It's a small local business in Louisiana. It was my first night shift and I wasn't very familiar with the inner machinations of the place. While I was washing dishes, cause I know how to do this at least, someone called out my name telling me to "put the stock on the stove". Unsure of the specific manner in which I should do this, I tried to fill in the blanks with some logical deduction. Looking at the stove, I saw two large pans of steaming water. Right away I picked up the stock serving, put it in one of the pans, and continued washing.
Two minutes later, I hear someone behind me (facing the stove) say, "What the hell happened to the mop water?" Two minutes after that, I was educated on what I had missed: A) The stock was already in a pot ready to be cooked, a fact I somehow missed.
B) That water is for cleaning out the mop buckets.
C) I also needed to be reminded that I would need to turn on the stove in order for it to heat up the stock.
On the whole, no one was resentful and everybody brushed it off as an accident caused by inexperience and lack of proper instruction. But the next two days they were more than willing to bring it up to other coworkers for a good laugh.
Narwalbacons: That's Louisiana for you. Also you missed an 'i' in Louisiana.
MoralSupportFalcon: FUCK.
Thanks for telling me; I fixed it now. At least it wasn't in the title! Haha!
Narwalbacons: No problem and I messed up on one of my titles once. Not. Good. Lol
MoralSupportFalcon: How badly did you mess it up?
Narwalbacons: I misspelled and spaced the word understand :p. It was undr stand. Yup I failed
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1350529712 | 1350534225 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | gslangley_3: TIFU by applying Icyhot to my genitals. ALL OVER my genitals.
[deleted]: Good grief that couldn't have been fun. Can I ask how/why this happened?
gslangley_3: because we're stupid college freshman living in a dorm. too much liquor and testosterone
[deleted]: Haha ok. I'm going to guess you were testing a theory as to what it would feel like. I hope your question was answered.
gslangley_3: dear god it was an experience
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1350528709 | 1350555844 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | 12345dhooves: TIFU By leaving the cat door open and sleeping
happened yesterday after the swat raided my house trying to get a crazy individual out of my house, i forgot to close the door. Needless to say, this is the hundredth time this specific cat did this. wondering if he will come back :(
NarwhalAttack: Dafuq am I reading?
12345dhooves: Your username.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1350527759 | 1350618624 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | workpoliticssuck: TIFU by getting involved in workplace drama
Let me preface by saying that there are some girls in my training class at my new job that seem to treat our work environment like high school.
Today I was joking with some coworkers about one coworker's outfit choice today (he looked like he was going sailing on a yacht). I told him that he looked like the lone black guy in an Abercrombie & Finch catalog. Everyone laughed yadda yadda. Well right after our shift ends and everyone is leaving, one of the girls (white) that laughed at my joke went over to two of the gossip queens (also white) and re-told it. They proceeded to say how fucked up my joke was and what a horrible person I was, while I was walking right behind them. All they did was turn around and glare at me.
Now I'm really fucking worried that I've just made myself an office pariah. I plan on apologizing to the coworker in case I offended him at all, and also to try to off-set any rumors but I'm still worried.
I learned my lesson to just keep to myself from now on at work.
xenokilla: yea, i have a similar sense of humor, leave it alone!
[deleted]: I second this. What you said really wasn't that big of a deal.
Think of it this way,
it takes two to fight. If those chicks act like assholes and you just blow it off and go on with your life it makes them look really, really bad.
If you fight with them then it puts other people in the place of, 'So who is the bigger asshole here?'.
Just leave it the fuck alone.
workpoliticssuck: Well I talked to him today and he told me not to worry about it, he wasn't bothered. Then he asked me later why I apologized and I explained to him about the gaggle of childish women and he seemed really annoyed. Basically we think one of them has a crush on him, and gets mad when other women in our training class talk to him.
Bitches be crazy. Hopefully I don't have to share a cube with any of these women when training ends.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1350541426 | 1350581875 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | [deleted]: TIFU tattooing an ex that I'm trying any, and everything to get back in with
So, the girl I've been crazy about for 2 years, an ex, has been giving me chances to make up for being a complete dumb ass. I'm a professional tattoo artist, so I give her a deal on some tattoos, after sweating the whole thing the last 2 lines of all the work got a bit off the mark, and is way more noticeable than I thought it would be. Resulting in an awkward ride back to my side of town. Huge disappointment in myself as a professional, and a 15' tumble backwards after gaining one good step. Just thought I would share with the rest of the fuck ups here.
[deleted]: Pics of your fuck up, please.
Full_Of_Win: Cameras aren't aloud in the delivery room.
vlovesf: Guys I'm sure this time op will definitely deliver.
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1350552630 | 1350603090 | null | t5_2to41 | 84 | [deleted]: TIFU- didn't get her number... or even her name.
Well this sucks. Went to a new gym (rock climbing gym) because mine had some technical difficulties (power was out) and met this really cool girl as I was getting ready in the common area. Talked a bit and she seemed like a chill, down to Earth person. Someone I'd love to get to know and as an added bonus she was smoking hot (Super cute, short, lean, curvy but toned, ahhhhh those climbing muscles, she was gorgeous).
But anyway, shortly into our conversation, a dude jumps in and they start talking about some other people I don't know, so I leave them be and get to climbing. I proceed to warm up on some easy stuff, get to know the layout of the place, get a feel for the different routes, you get the point. I climb for a while. Hop on some of the tougher problems and bam there she is, right behind me. Smiles are exchanged and in response she gets up and climbs the same route I was just on, skipping some of the moves, making the route harder, but at the same time doing it effortlessly. We continue this back and forth thing for a little while. Exchanged some witty banter. We're both having a good time.
But here comes the fuck up. A friend of mine shows up and though she's also super cool, pretty, et cetera I know I have zero chance with her. But what do I do? I decide to ignore the other girl and climb with my friend. And I mean completely blow her off and after an hour or two she leaves. And now here I sit in bed. alone. and I don't even know her name...
Fuck.
darkrock: um, keep going to the new gym. you should meet her or the other people you didn't know.
jenbensen7: Already have a membership for a couple months to the other one. And the new gym is 30+ minutes away while my current one is just down the street. That being said, I will definitely be making more trips out there. The climbing was great, the different style really kicked my ass. In a way this may have been for the best. At least now I have a new place to expand my training. And as an added plus I guess by not being too forward I also saved myself from being that creepy dude at the gym
scythianscion: >The climbing was great, the different style really kicked my ass.
This is not the point. Also, your friend must make amends and have sex with you for distracting you. This is only fair.
jenbensen7: Just looking for the silver lining ya know
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1350563558 | 1350586787 | null | t5_2to41 | 218 | throwaway_drunkard: TIFU (YIFU) by getting blackout drunk and going to my therapy session anyway
I do not even know the full extent to which I've fucked everything up. Mostly because I don't remember much if anything.
SiggiHD: drunk men speak truth. not a fuck-up. your doctor had a touch on your inner core. good job.
throwaway_drunkard: nah...i was noticeably drunk. he threw me out.
Full_Of_Win: Drunken thoughts, sober words.
baconbum: So when I peed in my girlfriend's closet last weekend blackout drunk, I secretly have wanted to do this for a long time sober?
Full_Of_Win: I says words not actions. That just makes you kind of a dick.
[deleted]: No, he is a dick. Alcohol doesn't make you someone you aren't, it *allows* you to become who you have always been.
| 7 | 31.142857 | |
1350560816 | 1350643000 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | ML90: TIFU by downloading some images from Getty
I'm interning at an agency and was asked to get some images for a client's site. I was meant to be using samples from thinkstock (for which we have a subscription) but i pulled some off Getty, and actually downloaded a couple, not realising we pay for those individually. I have no idea how much either costs as I'm too scared to look, and I haven't told anyone yet. I'm hoping that if they do find out, they'll realise it was just a mistake...
shit.
x_minus_one: That's not that bad of a mistake. I've broken a $600 register at work and didn't even get written up. Shit happens.
ShAnkZALLMighty: I've got you topped. I once placed a nail about 1" too far to the left and broke a $1200 machine.
Nekiya: Story?
| 4 | 14 | |
1350544841 | 1350596359 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU my friends' day.
Today I was with 2 friends. We smoked a bowl outside at one of our friend's house (girl) and then my (guy) friend and I left. We hung out all day and had a crazy adventure. Then we went back to her house at 10:45 because she said we'd hang out later. Her step-dad comes out and starts talking to us when her dog fucking runs out the front door and down the road. Now the step-dad is chasing after the dog and tells us to leave and don't come back here at this time.
I wanted to help him get the dog at least but as I made it down the road, he had her in his hands already. So I just awkwardly walked back and we left.
We fucked up.
trouphaz: I'm not sure I understand what happened. The step dad was just mad at you for coming to their house at close to 11pm at night and then told you not to come over that late? Doesn't sound like a big deal to me or anything worthy of a TIFU thread if that's the case.
unearth164: The guy is very strict and flips out over the smallest of issues.
I not only came to his house and woke him up from a nap, but I let his dog run halfway down the street and then he stormed back in the house.
It was a fuck-up, indeed.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1350568756 | 1350653441 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU and dumped a pile of bricks into my neighbor's driveway
I put out my trash to be taken today, and it must have fallen over this morning while I was at work.
I think it's best explained by her email to my landlord (I can't say I blame her, since she doesn't have my contact info):
>Can you please let your tenants know that they need to put their trash out in front of their home on their property and not in front of mine.
Each trash day since they moved in they have put their can in front of my home, not sure why? Today I came out to find their trash can on property, spilled over into my drive way,
please see attached photo.
>I tried to move it; but, as you can see from the attached image it is full of bricks and I could not pick it up. I tried to knock on their door and let them know; but, no one answered.
>Please also let them know that they need to put their recycle bin away after the recycle pick-up on Wednesday, the bin was left ut in the middle of their yard (also visible in the attached picture which was taken this morning).
Here's the photo: http://i.imgur.com/Nb9RO.jpg
I will say the recycling bin part is a little obnoxious, but I'd be pretty annoyed too in this situation.
trouphaz: So, is your neighbor correct? Is this an ongoing issue or is this a one time problem? It sounds like either you are a douchebag neighbor and were especially douchey this time or your neighbor is a pain in the ass and couldn't accept a one time mistake.
marshmallowbob: Yeah, i've only lived here a week--so this is definitely a one time mistake. That, and I really wouldn't ever pour bricks out on somebody's driveway on purpose...not sure who in the world would
trouphaz: Man, it sucks to have a shitty neighbor. You didn't fuck up. Your neighbor is an asshole.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1350583393 | 1350584575 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | knuckles352: TIFU by forgetting a 5 month anniversary.
My girlfriend is annoyed at me because I forgot our anniversary.
I should mention my girlfriend is always really excited about anniversarys...and i've remembered in the past.
[deleted]: Run, 5months is nothing that you should have to remember. You diddent fuck up by forgetting, you fucked up by sticking your dick in crazy.
knuckles352: she's not crazy...just very uptight...
[deleted]: well i guess i cant blame you for sticking your dick uptight... ... ...
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1350585419 | 1350590958 | null | t5_2to41 | 239 | [deleted]: TIFU- Threw a used condom in my GFs mothers face.
Her parents went gambling for the weekend. I stayed the weekend at her house and was going to leave Sunday night since they were getting back Monday morning. Turns out they blew their money and had to come home early.
Me and the GF are in the parents bed having just had sex. She tossed the condom to the bathroom off of the bedroom and missed the toilet by a few feet. We hear a car in the driveway and she jumps up to check who it is. She immediately breaks into a panic and scrambles to clean the room and get dressed. I grab my clothes and change then as I am about to try and sneak out the window I remember the condom on the floor of the bathroom.
She is already down stairs talking to her parents to give me enough time to escape through the window onto the backyard balcony. Her mother apparently wasnt in a good mood and stormed upstairs to just go to sleep. I am in the middle of the room condom in hand walking to the window when the door flies open and she yells incomprehensible gibberish at me. I panic and spin around and the condom slips from my hand and nails her splat in the face.
Edit: Remind me to have several video cameras documenting my life at all times to show everything happened. You would just call it a set up if anything interesting happened though.
platy1234: I loled. Upvotes.
acuddlyheadcrab: How does this have more downvotes than "Did she drink the cum out of it?"
[deleted]: Because there's no need for that comment. If you like the post, upvote. Nobody gives a fuck that you did though.
acuddlyheadcrab: DAE think reddit is literally an oppressive police state
[deleted]: IAMA oppressed gay atheist neckbeard AMA
| 6 | 39.833333 | |
1350586370 | 1350677318 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | luftwaffles1337: One week after leg accident.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/117lsm/tifu_when_i_tried_to_jump_up_on_a_2_foot_high/ (Day after accident)
http://i.imgur.com/RmXwF.jpg (One week later)
letmeonreddit: erm...i think this is in the wrong place
skatterbug: This is an update to another TIFU. It's just lacking the TIFUUPDATE: in the title.
luftwaffles1337: didn't know that i should've done that. lesson learned. thx
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1350589447 | 1350699257 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | katlmaowtf: TIFU by answering a call from a number I didn't recognize.
I used to work at a convenience store with this guy that seemed pretty okay. He's from India and their idea of creepy is a little different than ours apparently..
I knew him about 3 years prior to working with him. My mom works at the same store so I used to go with her to Christmas parties and other events.
I started working there when I was 16 and he doesn't have a car so when my mom and I would go shopping at department stores he'd always ask to come along. I was almost 17 when the first creepy thing happened. He decided to buy me underwear. He didn't pick them out, I was shopping separately and we all met up at the counter before check out. He offered to pay for some of my stuff as a late birthday present so being 17 and working for less than minimum wage, I didn't object. The only items he paid for were my panties and he was examining them very close before putting them on the counter. Saying things like "These are nice" etc..
The language barrier seemed to be a little different so when he'd say things to me that seemed pervy I'd just shake them off as that.
I moved out of state in February and my mom gave him my cell phone number because he said he had some pictures to send me from the Super Bowl party. Turns out he was snapping pictures of me the whole night and I was very creeped out. When he said he had pictures I thought he meant of the whole group. No, he was taking candids of me constantly and I didn't notice because I was intoxicated.
After that I started getting texts from him every day. Then one day he said he was going to call me after work. I didn't feel comfortable with that and honestly can't understand a lick of what he says most of the time, so I told him I had a sore throat and he could tell me whatever he needed to say via text. He asked me to send him pictures. I told him I hadn't been out much to get pictures of the new city I was living in and he clarified he wanted pictures of me, not the city.
Fast forward past me ignoring all 200 texts I got in the next 2 weeks and my mother telling me he was always saying he missed me.
I convinced my mom to relay the message to him that I no longer had a phone so the texts and calls stopped. Until today, that is.
Apparently he still has my number saved and pocket dialed me. I called back and now he knows my number is still active.
My SP doesn't offer number blocking so all I can do is ignore the future texts or calls. But I really wish I'd had his number saved just in case something like this happened..
trouphaz: Yeah, it sounds like you should be telling the guy to knock it off.
[deleted]: Wonder if OP ever tried that even once, instead of just making excuses and dropping hints that the guy doesn't pick up. Sometimes- you just tell people.
katlmaowtf: I have told him many times. I also quit my job for this reason and when everyone I worked with (roughly 6 people) asked why I was leaving, I also told them. I'm not the only one he's done it to. A year ago he was hospitalized for hitting on some guys girlfriend. The guy beat him with a crow bar. I figured after I left and told him what he was doing was wrong it would stop. I guess not.
[deleted]: I'm confused... why did you tell him you couldn't talk because you had a sore throat, and you hadn't had the time to take many pictures? Have you tried "stop calling me, I don't want to talk to you"?
katlmaowtf: After I quit it stopped for a long time. I still saw him when I'd visit my mom at work which was often because my new job was in walking distance so I'd take a break and go see her. When I moved to Kentucky from Florida he asked that I take pictures because our boss lived there and they'd all visited him when he did. That's why I assumed he meant of the city. Sorry, I didn't really go too much into detail because I thought it was pretty long already and honestly didn't think people would even read it.
[deleted]: OK but have you told him "stop calling me, I don't want to talk to you"?
Because "I have a sore throat" implies that you might want to talk to him later, when your throat is better. It's still not clear that you've been direct with this guy.
I'm starting to feel worse and worse for him, noone deserves to be hospitalized just for flirting.
katlmaowtf: Before my mom told him my phone was shut off I had a very long conversation with him about how I thought it was wrong that he has a wife and daughter (who is my age) in India and he was flirting with young girls here in America. By the time the call ended I hadn't gotten so aggravated with him not realizing that I didn't want to talk to him that I hung up. I texted him saying that I wouldn't be answering anymore calls or texts from him and when he tried to call back my boyfriend took the phone and I'm not sure what was said, but he stopped for a long time. He hasn't made any attempts to contact me yet, so I think he just had the number still stored and really did pocket dial me like he said. But, I also feel bad for him getting hospitalized for flirting. I'd never take it to that level, personally.
[deleted]: This is fairly frustrating to read, because you even admit that he doesn't realize that you don't want to talk to him! TELL HIM THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO HIM. For the love of God! Don't tell him that he should think of his wife, or that you won't reply to his texts, or that your throat is sore or that you're busy, or lie about your phone. He's clearly having a hard time understanding you. TELL HIM NOT TO CALL YOU EVER BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM. If you don't do this, then you really shouldn't complain about him calling you.
It really seems like you could have saved yourself a lot of aggravation by communicating clearly, early on. If you *actually tell him* to stop calling you and he keeps doing it, *then* you have a problem worth complaining about.
katlmaowtf: ...I have told him that. I'm not sure if it's just miscommunication on your end, but I said "I texted him saying that I wouldn't be answering anymore calls or texts from him"
I told him the day I quit working at that store, "I just want you to know that you have made me extremely uncomfortable and that's the reason I'm leaving. I no longer wish to see you, but I know I will at the Christmas party and Super Bowl party. I've had enough." I was only that nice about it because my former boss asked me not to cause a scene about it, because he planned on having a talk with him. I HAVE told him to stop contacting me. And he DID keep doing it. So that's why I felt I should post my fuck up.
| 10 | 6.9 | |
1350591402 | 1350616852 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: My Bosses Now Know My Reddit Username
eosha: ...and you put your work as the shipping address?
Cacoo: i've done it. if you are really excited for your SecretSanta gift and are at work all the time, you don't think twice about having your gift shipped to your work instead of your home, as someone will definintely be there to receive it. I have been guilty of this myself, and this has never crossed my mind.
| 3 | 8 | |
1350606761 | 1350725497 | null | t5_2to41 | 76 | fuck-my-life: TIFU I pissed all over my pants while taking a shit in public
I'm on a club/team at my university that was competing with other schools at a regional event. For one of the events, contestants performed one at a time while the rest who were waiting to go were kept locked up in a classroom so we couldn't discuss the event with people who already took it. We were expected to be in the room for 4-6 hours, so they only let us leave one at a time to go to the bathroom or vending machine. Only one at a time, so there was a list of people for the bathroom and you had to wait for the person to come back.
I had to shit really bad so I put myself on the list. When it was my turn I went to the bathroom. This was already crossing my personal boundaries since I do everything I can to avoid public restrooms, especially schools. They are so gross. So naturally, I did the "hover" while I did my business. I knew people were waiting so I tried to squeeze it out hard and get it done fast. The moment of stress and clenching made me lose control of my pee, and I started uncontrollably urinating all over my pants that were around my knees. It took me a couple seconds to realize and direct my dick towards the toilet, but by then the damage was already done. The back top part of my jeans were soaked with piss.
I tried using toilet paper to dry it but it was the shitty half-ply crap they always have in public stalls. Didn't do anything. I was freaking out cause there were other people in the bathroom. Keep in mind people in the other room on the list waiting to go to the bathroom. I waited a couple minutes for everyone to leave and got out of the stall to assess the damage in the mirror. I turned around to look at my ass and saw the very large and noticeable piss stain, not to mention it reeked. The only thing I could do was position my ass under one of those air-hand driers, to try to dry my jeans. It wouldn't get rid of the smell though. I spent at least 5 minutes trying to dry the piss off my ass. It was still a little damp, but I gave up because I knew everyone was waiting on me. I awkwardly walked back into the classroom pulling my shirt down over my ass to try to hide the stain. I sat down and some kid said: "What the hell happened, did you fall in?" and everyone laughed.
**TL;DR: Hold your pee while you shit if you're hovering.**
crashaddict: is it even possible to shit without pissing?
Seraphiend: Yes.
Source: I have done it numerous times. A couple of times I forgot to piss after a glorious shit and then rage because I've pulled up my pants and started to walk away.
crashaddict: either, there is something wrong with me or you have amazing bladder control
Retanaru: At your current described rate of control I'd assume you can't even piss without shitting.
crashaddict: not true, however i did once shart whilst sneezing, so you may have something there
Karatzillion: I always piss when I'm shitting. Sometimes a little one, sometimes a fullsized pee. I can't remember not having pissed whilst shitting.
But the thought of holding the pee while pressing the poop out seems impossible..
| 7 | 10.857143 | |
1350624309 | 1351217229 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Khaki_Shorts: TIFU By mixing up an address of a grocery story with another one on the same main street, causing me to miss the part-time job final interview/training. I'm a college student.
There are two of said grocery stores, one is on one city right on the border and the other is on the other city. I was so sure it was the one I arrived at. I can't drive yet, so I had my mom drive me there before she went to work. I had to finish the paper work, so I was ready about 30 before the final interview/training. I called her, she called her friend's lazy husband to give me a ride. It's five minutes before the final interview process starts at this point. I arrive thirty minutes late to the store.
I'm pretty sure it was training for having the job, I asked a cashier and they walked me to a room where people sat on desks. The pretty woman there just asked me to call the manager and ask him to re-schedule.
The fucking address was on the packet he gave me along with a map. I was just so sure it was the store I told my mom to take me to. I'm only 18, so it will just be a part-time job for spending money and to start saving up for when I transfer to a university, since I'm currently attending community college.
My mom went apeshit bringing up old errors I have made in the past.
It was just a mistake, right? Probably not.
nismo267: i did almost this exact same thing during the summer in college. went to a local grocery store, the wrong one, apparently the guy there was also hiring, gave me an interview, i realized about 15 minutes in it was for the wrong place. he sends me over to the other one and suggests i wear a nicer shirt. i said fuck the shirt, went there, the guy was a dick, but i got the job. hope it turns out well for you.
Khaki_Shorts: Your story sounds so much better, though. Hah. I hear the manager of my store is a cool guy to talk to; he seemed impress when I mentioned I want to save up for when I transfer schools during the application process. How was your boss in the end?
nismo267: Not good. I dealt with him cause it was the midnight shift and he didn't show up until my last hour, but he would constantly yell at me and other employees, and at one point he yelled/asked me if I had a learning disability. Later I was diagnosed with adhd, and I wish I could have laid into him for that one.
Khaki_Shorts: Oh, sucks. How long did you work there? I plan on staying at the grocery store until I find a job as a medical scriber. Or at least until one is set up near me. At most two years if I do well enough there.
I think my future boss is a cool guy. I talked to him today and he said he liked me so he's giving me a second chance for it.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1350617091 | 1350688116 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | aaron7293: TIFU By inadvertently allowing a blind guy to run into a door.
As I was approaching the building my class was in I noticed through the glass door a blind guy exiting the building. They are double doors and he got through the first one just fine, but as he got closer to the second I figured he would be fine but the good person part of me thought 'I should run up and open that for him'. I didn't act on it soon enough and he face planted into the door. I feel terrible and all I can think about was the look of shock and embarrassment on his face.
elcablam: Didn't see that one coming.
halo00to14: Neither did he.
| 3 | 18.666667 | |
1350645894 | 1350648352 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | pundi: TIFU by falling in love with a girl i don't know anything about.
mattymck: not really a TIFU, and you dont actually love her, you are just infatuated.
writermonk: Or perhaps in lust.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1350680568 | 1350685690 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | Fred-931: TIFU - Reddit bullshit.
[deleted]: Those wheels are a PITA man, way to go.
Fred-931: Swiffer dusting cloths work very well for getting off the stuff that isn't baked on yet.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1350619122 | 1350909228 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | camstavon: TIFU, by nearly lighting KFC on fire.
I work at KFC, and while cleaning a fryer I forgot to turn it off. So I left it to drain and went to fill my jug. When I got back, there was smoke everywhere and people rushing to turn off the fryer. Luckily the manager realised I am new so let me off with a warning.
poor_impulsecontrol: it's possible but unlikely that you could have burned the place down, but more likely you could have destroyed that fryer. turning a fryer on without oil in it can burn a hole in the tank (this kills the deep fryer) or it can burn up the thermostat and/or high limit control. cost to replace one of the controls would be roughly $400-$500. cost to buy an entirely new fryer: $1000 - $8000. chains like kfc tend to have high end fryers, probably worth about $5000. if you shut it off in time and you just got a warning, consider yourself lucky.
Soybean111: your thing in the parentheses (this kills the fryer) reminded me of this:http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/rub-head-this-kills-man.png
poor_impulsecontrol: [This kills the crab](http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/5954/thiskillsthecrablulz.jpg) was the original meme.
agent8am: In tears at work, thanks guys.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1350685391 | 1350688750 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | UCF_FINatic: You think you had a shitty night?!?
canipaybycheck: Hi UFC_FINactic,
Could you please repost this with "TIFU" in the title according to rule 1 in our sidebar? Thanks!
UCF_FINatic: Yeah, sorry. I'm still relatively new here. Do I just repost the entire post? Like copy and paste (but with the new title)?
canipaybycheck: Yes, exactly.
UCF_FINatic: Okay. Sorry again. Do you have any advice for what I should do given this prompt, "Looks like you're either a brand new user or your posts have not been doing well recently. You may have to wait a bit to post again. In the meantime feel free to check out the reddiquette, join the conversation in a different thread, or verify your email address."
canipaybycheck: You can verify your email in your preferences, but I'm adding you as an approved submitter here so you don't need to for this post.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1350688792 | 1350913571 | null | t5_2to41 | 400 | [deleted]: TIFU You think you had a shitty night?!?
As a professional student I don't get to go out and party that much. Last night, my roommates (also professional students) wanted to go out. We start pregaming at our place with Crown and some Beer (seperately). Fast forward until early this morning:
I wake up and my nostrils are greeted by the most horrific smell I have ever encountered. I look around me and there is literally shit on my bathroom floor, smeared on the toliet seat, between my ass cheeks, and on my hand somehow. Upon further inspection, I notice puke on the side of the toilet and other various places around the bathroom and tub.
What I think happened was that I was taking a dump, realized I was going to puke tried to change positions and then puked and shat everywhere. My bathroom looks like a war zone.
Don't worry it gets worse. After showering myself and crawling to bed I fall asleep for a couple more hours. The next time I wake up I can tell it is going to be a long day, as I am hungover as hell. I text my roommmates and beg them to make me food (I was too hungover to get out of bed). They bring me food and water and I begin eating and drinking to help with the hangover. I still feel nauseous. Then I can't tell if I have to burp or puke (again) and discover a little too late that it is the latter. I sprint to my bathroom but it was too late. I projectile vomit on the outside of my bathroom door and on the bathroom floor.
TLDR: Puke and shit everywhere; I'm not drinking for at least a month.
EDIT LINK ADDED (NSFW): [NSFW](http://imgur.com/a/d8T4N)
rAxxt: Oh. Wow. That shit won't happen if you smoke weed. Bonus feature: no hangover.
diddletheskittle: double bonus: it's illegal so you get to commit a crime while having fun!
NadeTheThird: Maybe in your country, AMERICAN CAPITALIST PIGDOG.
diddletheskittle: So where do you live commie?
NadeTheThird: Belgium. You know, that country which you guys think [doesn't exist](http://zapatopi.net/belgium/).
diddletheskittle: I'm familier with Belgium and I've never ears of anyone denying its existence... Or that it's economy is also based on capitalism. YOU BELGIAN CAPITALIST PIGDOG
NadeTheThird: Actually, I think I'm an STATE CAPITALIST PIGDOG, which is obviously way better than you AMERICAN FREE MARKET CAPITALIST PIGDOGS. Take that.
diddletheskittle: Aghhh you got me... Over there do you just call Belgian waffles regular waffles? Also do you have regular waffles? They are just like yours but thinner! It's a crazy world we live in and I'm glad I have a Belgian pen pal now
NadeTheThird: Over here, we have two big types of waffles: Luikse waffles, from Luik, and Brussels waffles, from Brussels. Belgian waffles don't exist here, they are like our Brussels waffles, except those are much more crispy on the outside.
And Luikse waffles are... I can't really explain it. Those fuckers are delicious as fuck. They're like a sticky, sugary, warm, soft, doughy, big, waffly, mouthgasm. God, I love those fuckers.
| 10 | 40 | |
1350698026 | 1350766258 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | theonewiththeface: TIFU by giving myself food poisoning.
Tonight for supper, I made my husband and myself some baked chicken parmesan. It consisted of breaded chicken, pasta, cheese and pasta sauce. While eating it, I thought mine tasted off and kept going because it was fully cooked.
Approximately 15 minutes later, I felt the gurgle and wrench in my stomach and I shit out the gnarliest smelling soup-like shit ever. Ten minutes after that, puked in the rancid smelling bathroom.
At least I don't have to compete with my husband for bathroom sickness space.
His was fine.
Lucky bastard.
coder_lyte: If it was fully cooked, how could one piece be fine and the other have bacterial growth?
theonewiththeface: When I brought them home, I immediately individually bag the breasts so I can just use what I need instead of having to cook it all. My best guess is that mine got contaminated somehow and while it was thawing out this afternoon.
ENTimate: Thaw chicken in the fridge.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1350704334 | 1351251531 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | AndIShitMyPants: TIFU and shit my pants after dinner.
So there I was, standing in the city streets with my family. We just finished dinner at a local BBQ place, when suddenly I had the urge to let a small toot out. But it wasn't a toot. I stood there and felt the warm type seven stool trickle down my thighs. I told my family I had to use the bathroom. When I got to the stall I checked my boxers and they were partially drenched in my shit. I threw them in the trash can that was in the stall, cleaned my ass and legs up and now im taking another shit as I type this on my phone.
TLDR: Diarrhead my bum hole in front of family and threw my shit covered boxers in the trash of a local restaurant.
generalT: happens all the time man. come join us at [r/shitmyself](http://www.reddit.com/r/shitmyself).
Ghost17088: This should not be a thing.
Raidax: I can't stop laughing/crying. Couldn't agree with you more but there it is...
TITTY_WHOMPED: I can't stop laughing either. If loving r/shitmyself is wrong, I don't want to be right.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1350708434 | 1350781929 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | acidiclust: TIFU - I almost lit the bathroom on fire at a pizza joint in Monterey, CA
My boyfriend and I went to Monterey for my birthday. We really wanted to try out this nice looking Italian place, but they wouldn't give us a table, or let us put down our names to come back later for a table.
So we're both pretty grumpy at this point and meander up and down Central Ave for a bit to try and figure out what we want to eat. Because we're hungry and already grumpy, we got snappy with each other. We finally decided to just go eat at the pizza place. We order, get seated, and end up waiting for ages for our food. I'm getting grumpier and grumpier. When I get angry/frustrated/etc, my bowels decide to take it out on me.
So halfway through dinner I'm starting to feel unwell. I feel like I might vomit on the table. I suck down some soda to try and get my gag reflex to STFU. It works temporarily.
The food is mediocre and not making my mood any better. Stomach starts to gurgle again. I say "fuckit, I'm not gonna eat this crap pizza." and my boyfriend and I leave the establishment to go walk along Cannery Row. We get to the corner, cross the street, and immediately I have to turn back... RUN BACK... to the pizza shop. I frantically scramble in and dart towards the bathroom.
I make it in there with JUST enough time to slam my ass down on the toilet when I realize someone else is in there. I stop caring. I damn near lifted-off the toilet seat with how much I had to shit.
So I finish, after a grueling 10 minutes or so, during which at least 2 or 3 other women came into the restroom to witness the horrific sounds coming from my stall.
I finish up, wipe, decide everything's cool.
I realize I have some matches in my pocket. I light one, to be courteous to the person who would unfortunately use the stall after me. I let it burn a bit and I drop it into the toilet. The toilet-seat cover didn't emerge fully, and it immediately went up in flames. Completely startled, I don't know what to do. I watch as it catches on fire even more. Then I decide, finally, to slam the lid down (thank jeebus it had one, as most restaurant toilets don't) and flush. I even felt the heat against my face as the damned paper was burning. I was terrified that my shit would ignite and blow the place up.
But I damn near lit the restroom on fire. I'm sure the woman in the stall next to me was wondering WtF was going on in there.
**tldr: Had diarrhea in restaurant restroom, lit match, damn near set everything on fire.**
thetoastmonster: You sound like a miserable person. Why be so angry, grumpy and upset over such a petty thing that you actually make yourself feel ill? Add to that you made your boyfriend also abandon his pizza, something about which I'm sure he was displeased.
acidiclust: Heh, not sure where you got that. My boyfriend ate his pizza as well as mine.
| 3 | 8 | |
1350711092 | 1351122148 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | goddamngloves: TIFU by stealing a pair of 99 cent gloves and getting caught by store security - now I have a record
First time idiot thief. My bank account was way overdrawn, I didn't have enough change, and I made a stupid, impulsive decision to take this pair of gloves that I needed for a project. Turns out, I was on camera the entire time. I got caught going out the door, admitted everything, they called the cops - class c misdemeanor.
I work two jobs. I am scared that I have fucked up the rest of my life. I know that any sort of theft looks terrible on a record, right? My current primary job is not where I want to stay forever. And while the fact that it was for 99 cent gloves is painfully hilarious in some ways, I have spent my entire evening crying.
You try to be a good person, and in one moment, you can really make a stupid decision that fucks everything up.
PzGren: you are all going to be locked up eventually anyway.
Not because you are guilty but because you are americans and it is profitable.
darthelmo: Dumbass. If we're all locked away, who's going to supply the profit?
PzGren: Supply the profit? wtf does that mean you imbecile?
Big companies like wackenhut profit when they lock your ass up over some nonviolent bullshit, the prison industry is fucking gigantic. The Mil profits because you have to assemble their *shit* for pennies a day. Fucking lobbyists profit, but the american people sure as fuck dont so I really have no idea what the fuck you are trying to say.
The US locks up more peeps than china
OldPeoples: The amount of intelligence in this thread..
PzGren: ?
say something.
Or dont
OldPeoples: Sorry, sarcasm is hard to show in text-based communication. I was just commenting on the lack of intelligence in this thread. A VERY ignorant comment followed by a stupid reply followed by another ignorant comment. This isn't youtube.
PzGren: Says the fucking geezer posting shit like THIS:
"ggggg ggg gg gggg gg ggg ggg g g gg (ggg ggg ggg :g), gg g ggg gg! ggg g ggg gg g gggggg?"
Fuck you old man eat a geriatric dick
OldPeoples: If you look at the context of that, it was a satirical thread on a subreddit called ggggg. Now get off my lawn! (kidding, I'm not even 30)
PzGren: Im not looking for the context of that you are a fucking retard no matter how old you are
OldPeoples: Usually when one person in an argument pulls the Hail Mary of dismissing the contrasting argument and calling the person a 'fucking retard', the irony of the situation comes in full force.
PzGren: What argument child? are you high? you shouldnt be your not fully grown yet
you didnt say anything other than 0/10 and ggggg.ggg which sounds quite a bit like down syndrome to me. Do you always go around giving ratings on everything? god you must be an annoying twat.
Kindly fuck off would you, and find some friends
OldPeoples: Another user said 0/10 in remark to our discussion, meaning half of your response is not applicable anyway. Thanks for your very intelligent comments, once a day I get on here to read your responses to these and laugh. Well I'm done with this discussion, so kindly remove that stick-like object from your rectum and go back to enlightening the masses about your anarchist theories and such. Bye :)
| 13 | 1.923077 | |
1350715765 | 1350842164 | null | t5_2to41 | 120 | penisbot112: TIFU trying to get hard
So I'm a virgin and went on craigslist to find someone to stick it in. I finally found a girl who seemed legit and wanted my dick. I had a huge fear of premature ejaculation and I was certain it would happen to me. In order to make sure I wouldn't jump the gun too early, I masturbated (and ejaculated) 2 hours beforehand. I also drank 3 shots of rum as I knew it would dull my senses. When we were first getting it on in the back of her car, she was really into it as I was fingering her and eating her out. It was extremely hot but my little buddy still couldn't stand straight. She started to give me head but it still could only go halfway. Eventually I just said fuck it and fingered her til she came. So I'm sitting here whacking off and still a virgin. It was embarrassing, but the good thing is I'll never see this girl again.
[deleted]: You went down on a girl you found through Craigslist? The embarrassment of not getting it up is the last thing you should be worried about.
swordfishtrombonez: Wtf? I don't understand this comment at all (beyond "ew, girls have cooties"). She blew a guy she met on Craigslist - should be she embarrassed?
[deleted]: Because cooties = herpes, HPV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, etc.
swordfishtrombonez: You can get STDs by blowing somebody, too. What's with the double standard?
[deleted]: Never said you couldn't. The OP was the subject of the post and said what he did, which I pointed out was not smart.
| 6 | 20 | |
1350744287 | 1350756793 | null | t5_2to41 | 239 | canipaybycheck: 40,000!
Congratulations /r/tifu, we've reached 40,000 subscribers!
Your friendly neighborhood mod team would like to ask you:
Do you have any suggestions for this subreddit? (The Fuck-Up of the Week was suggested in the past, and was implemented) Do you have any questions or concerns? Please post in the comments! We're always trying to improve the quality of /r/tifu.
***
Oh, and /r/tifu was banned for a few hours yesterday. We are in contact with the admins, and we're still trying to get this worked out.
***
TL;DR: Congrats on 40,000! Give us your thoughts and ideas!
WinterCharm: Hmmm, I'm pretty new here, but what about a Fuckup Fridays, where we open one thread that explores fuckups in one topic only?
A few examples:
Fuckup friday! Share your most awful date fuckup?
Fuckup friday! What was your worst workplace snafu?
Fuckup friday! What was your greatest culinary disaster?
SaltyChristian: YOU ARE AN AWESOME PERSON SIR THIS WILL BE THE NEW THING CONGRATULATIONS.
AS YOUR PRIZE YOU GET TO CHOOSE NEXT FRIDAY'S TOPIC
WinterCharm: All right. Well, you've all managed to make my day.
My facial expression right now is somewhere between [this](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbrkkruaz41qisl9lo2_500.png) and [this](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9dl74KxHN1roecnb.jpg)
And umm, I really would love to hear about everyone's greatest culinary disasters. Anything related to making food, eating food, or whatever happened in between.
SaltyChristian: YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS. WINTERCHARM, GENIUS BEHIND FUCKUP FRIDAY, WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR CULINARY FUCKUPS.
NEXT FRIDAY. /R/TIFU. CULINARY FUCKUPS. MARK YOUR CALENDARS.
Aneds: OH SHIT THIS SOUNDS FUN.
| 6 | 39.833333 | |
1350756838 | 1350776305 | null | t5_2to41 | 489 | Thelonius_Dunk: TIFU- Unintentionally invited myself to an all lesbian party last night.
Me and this girl I work with decide to go to one of the bigger clubs in the city after the rest of our coworkers flaked on us.
Once we get inside, we dance a bit on the first floor, then decide to go upstairs.
Usually its only $5 to go upstairs, but tonight it was $12. I just figured it was typical club bullshit........Then I saw the dancefloor.
HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. I honestly thought I had walked onto the set of Drake video. Ladies at the bar. Ladies on the balcony. Ladies on the floor. Best of all they were dancing in more than just a "drunk best friends" kind of way.
I hadnt even been in there 5 min before the bouncer pulled me aside and said "What party are you with?"
My best drunk response: "I didn't come here WITH a party, I came here TO Party." He replied, "Come with me".
SHIT!
I'm thinking I'm about to get kicked out the club because he pulls me over to the door and says " Look bruh, I know this scene looks sexy as fuck to you, and you look pretty fucked up right now, but I want you take another look at all the dudes in the room"
So I did. Then it clicked. Ohhhh
"Yea, those aren't dudes, this is an all lesbian party. I have no idea how the hell you got in." he replied. "I'll let them give you your money back because you'll have more fun on the lower floors, trust me."
So yea, I left after that.
TL;DR- Thought I was at a club with an unbelievable guy:girl ratio. Turns out to be an all lesbian party. Got politely kicked out. Still got my money back
JMar1_87: Good guy security. But what? You can't kick it with lesbos?
Thelonius_Dunk: Apparently not. I probably would've stayed there for a bit had he not kicked me out. I found out later that it was a "Lace and Lipstick party" so to be invited you had to wear lace and lipstick.
I was wearing a fucking blue sweater so no luck blending in there.
JMar1_87: Ha! You a guess it be hard to turn the queer on if you're not in dress for the occasion.
edit: I was high when I wrote this.
Ya I guess it would be hard to be more flamboyant if you're not dressed for the occasion. I would think that people like homosexuals would be more accepting if the person is more open and light hearted.
[deleted]: >Ha! You a guess it be hard to turn the queer on if you're not in dress for the occasion.
Was any part of that sentence actually intended to be coherent?
JMar1_87: I literally just edited it.
seamonkee: You really should have left the original. That was awesome. I'm going to make it my mission to use "You a guess it be hard to turn the queer" tonight while drunk.
JMar1_87: >turn the queer on
I do have a way with words
| 8 | 61.125 | |
1350763587 | 1350775707 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU: Got caught making parking pass counterfeits. I have 1 day to decide what to do.
So on Reddit I've seen a few posts where people have gotten into SERIOUS shit for making fake parking passes. If reported to the police, in some states, they can charge you with fraud or forgery, which is a felony. Does anyone know the law in Virginia?
So, basically, I've been making counterfeits for years, handing them out like candy. Really fucking stupid, I know. Apparently fake passes has been a problem lately, so they were on the hunt and they found one of my friend's passes. The towing company towed his car and confiscated the pass, told him that they would be turning the fake into the apartment managing company on Monday when they open.
So what should I do? I briefly considered trying to bribe them to destroy it. I think that's probably a mistaken idea. I've also considered emailing the management in advance, begging them not to press charges. The reason why this bothers me so much is that I go to a university that would probably expel me if I was legally charged with anything like this. Very strict honor code. Man, never even THOUGHT about how this could affect my college degree, but yeah. Today I fucked up, so there it is. Any advice? Should I just wait and see what they do first?
okfornothing: Didn't your pass get stolen and someone made fakes?
turtlekitty30: Oooh this is the best yet. Like.
okfornothing: Don't say anything to anyone about fakes being made. All you say is that your pass got stolen, nothing more.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1350768686 | 1350922698 | null | t5_2to41 | 237 | DrJFZoidberg: TIFU By forgetting about a threesome.
Need a throwaway? Why not Zoidberg
I went out drinking in the university halls by where I live and got completely off my face, I don't remember much of the evening.
What I do remember was waking up in my underpants with an unfamiliar bed, with an attractive woman in lingerie either side of me. As I had no memory of the previous night's fun I waited until they woke up and "smoothly" asked how the night had been for them.
Turns out they were lesbians and I had staggered into their room and fallen asleep on their bed. They had been unable to wake me so had fallen asleep either side of me, so I'd spent the night surrounded in lesbian hate. I quickly left and haven't seen them since.
AJJihad: The title is misleading haha. I almost felt *really* bad for you, dude
Rhythm-Malfunction: Yeah I thought he had a threesome planned and then got shit faced and missed it.
fresssh: haha same!
| 4 | 59.25 | |
1350815528 | 1350822618 | t3_11ts0x | t5_2to41 | -27 | cuntycamille: And your comment is really assy.
Kabibbles: Wow, Clever, Looks like we have another "first date, lets mate" types over here.
cuntycamille: Looks like we have another "judgmental asshole who makes assumptions" type over here.
Kabibbles: Yours didn't even rhyme, get outa here kid.
cuntycamille: I didn't intend to make a rhyme but to point out the obvious. Duh.
Kabibbles: Thanks for backing up my "kid" assumption. Peace hoe.
cuntycamille: I'm not an agricultural tool. You, on the other hand, are a tool.
IKLYSP: Kid, do you even lift?!
| 8 | -3.375 | |
1350787155 | 1350978069 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | Metalsutton: TIFU - Sat on 2-litre bottle of milk, exploding it all over my car.
I'll keep it short and sweet.
So I had just finished shopping at the supermarket. I was packing the groceries in the car, including the front passenger seat. I for some reason decided to put the milk on the drivers seat while I was dealing with other things, thinking "I'll move that later".
I go to put the trolley away, get back in the car, completely forgetting about the milk.
BOOM!
The pressure of me sitting directly on the plastic carton forces an explosion that covers a large section of the interior of the car. The worst was the front seat and floor, however it also spilled outside of the car (door was open) and my jeans were soaked. There was no milk left in the packaging.
Trying to avoid anyone noticing me, I decide I couldn't clean it up or worry about it in the car park. Too many witnesses, especialy with milky jeans.
Instead I jump back into the car for one of the most horrible feelings while driving home, in a pool of milk.
agent8am: Your car is now trash sir. Burn it and move on.
Wait.. you might be able to flip this situation if you own SCUBA gear.
But yeah, dat smell..
Metalsutton: Ive cleaned up the majority of it. I am just battling the left over smell with car air freshers.... its a clash of scents...
agent8am: http://i.qkme.me/35ebdm.jpg
I can't believe I thought of that, and when I googled, it existed.
| 4 | 9 | |
1350791867 | 1364697006 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,292 | BamboolessPanda: TIFU by watching "The Big Lebowski."
15 minutes ago I was enjoying a wonderful bowl of Coco Puffs and watching The Big Lebowski. I was watching it on my laptop. Lebowski entered his apartment and then two guys jumped him. Being the first time I've seen the movie, I didn't expect it and was startled. I then proceeded to spill my cereal all over my clothes, laptop, desk, and carpet. I scrambled to clean it up, but my laptop gave up and died. My carpet now has a huge brown stain. At least it didn't spill on my desktop that I saved up for and built myself. Now I'm going to finish the movie, angry and with no cereal.
Edit 1: Looks like I'm going rice shopping. Thank you for all the advice!
spicyramyun: I am sure the carpet really tied the room together but it can be cleaned. Hopefully you can dry out the laptop and maybe all you'll need is maybe a replacement keyboard. Try and chill a bit dude and enjoy the movie.
BamboolessPanda: I pissed on the carpet so it matches the shit brown stain. The laptop was kind of old so it was going to die out anyway.
SolidSnakePliskin: Ugh, you pissed on your fucking rug.
Gelliesdude: My rug!
Opulent92: That rug really tied the room together, damnit!
Wildheaven: He thinks the carpet pissers did this?
Well dude, we just don't know.
darkplumb90: You're not wrong Walter, you're just an asshole.
isk93: Upvotes for all!
TC84: Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature
iamanadviceanimal: We´re not talking about the guys who built the fucking railroads, man...
| 11 | 117.454545 | |
1350791731 | 1350835115 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | [deleted]: TIFU... By Scaring my Cat Into a Bowl of Piss
Soo... The sink my bathroom isn't working.You have to use the kitchen sink. I had just took a leak, and I guess I forgot to flush. Big mistake. I was walking by the bathroom, and I saw my cat on the edge of the seat. I hissed, and he got so scared, he fell in. He was able to escape, except I had to lock the door and give him a bath.
Do_It_For_The_Lasers: What the fuck did I just read
edge_of_glory: He pissed did and didnt flush because he left to wash his hands in the kitchen sink. He came back because he did not flush only to find his cat upon the toilet seat which he scared and made fall into the toilet bowl full of piss. He had to lock himself and the cat in the bath because cats are hellians when it comes to water.
IAMTHEBATMAN123: That's actually better than my post.
edge_of_glory: This makes me sad. ha thanks.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1350810280 | 1350812254 | t3_11u60r | t5_2to41 | 6 | blackeyethrow: generalisation on my part as I don't watch that genre of tv, other half watches it almost exclusively, real house wives etc etc
Legion299: Laptop in the eye? What
blackeyethrow: yes, like a discus
Edit: unsure if ultimately my eye or laptop won.
Legion299: I really don't understand why people watches "real house wives" or reality TV, it's so boring and ridiculous.
blackeyethrow: exactly, apart from it being complete scripted fiction, it's usually just exploitive entertainment.
Now the above is a generalisation and there may be exceptions to it, so don't get your knickers in a twist
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1350813002 | 1350965680 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | Chateetcho: TIFU By having a customer purchase a phone he already paid for.
I work for a company that indirectly sells Cell Phones for many different carriers. We have our own Insurance plan that we offer instead of the ones available through the respective Cell Phone Service Providers.
A customer came in today (10/20) and wanted to add insurance. I fucked up and charged him for his phone again and didn't realize it until I got home a few hours ago. Now I'm freaking out because I just got my evaluation today which was great and the fact that the Audit count may be off, etc.
Tomorrow (10/21) I plan to let my manager know and call the guy to let him know I fucked up however I get paranoid and am freaking out right now. So Reddit, tell me your workplace mishaps.
TheDutchTreat: I once accidentally deleted a folder full of user accounts in a clients network 3min before end of the regular workday. It was +/- 5000 accounts which couldn't be restored from backup (since they didn't have any). I spent the better part of the next 8 hours cleaning up my mistake, creating new accounts, printing letters to users to notify them of their new password (cause sending them an email was out).
After a very short night of sleep in which I dreamt I was gonna be fired, I spent the next day fixing more of the mess and apologizing.
In the end it was a minor inconvenience on a very large project, but the first few minutes after I realized my mistake I just wanted to quietly log off and call in sick the next day.
WinterCharm: Backups are fantastically important. Always keep backups.
[deleted]: What's with that flair?
WinterCharm: Mod SaltyChristian gave it to me because I came up with fuckup fridays for this subreddit! :)
And... the messed up grammar annoys me, as well as how obnoxiously huge it is and how it's in comic sans. :P It's the funniest thing a mod has ever done to me, and I'm torn between loving it and hating it.
(edit: grammars)
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1350834429 | 1350871820 | null | t5_2to41 | 78 | TheBozo: TIFU by grinding with a black girl, and consequently tearing my MCL.
I was at the club last night. Had a few drinks and decided to hit the dance floor with some friends. Some African American girl walked over to me and started grinding extremely hard. I tried to keep up as she "went low" and while continuing to gyrate i heard and felt a pop. Leg didn't hurt much last night, but when i woke up it was noticeably swollen. Can't put any weight on it and RICE'ing it currently. I should have never tried to contain such an ass.
novanerd: Believe me, I tore my MCL in a much worse way than you did.
darthelmo: Go on...
novanerd: I was messing around with my friend, and I kicked at him n the air, and somehow it twisted my knee and my MCL and ACL were torn by it
darthelmo: At least you can lie about how you did it to your grandkids someday.
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1350837133 | 1350948557 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: Tifu by waking up late to my first day of working and probably getting fired for it.
I needed to wake up at 5 this morning because I needed to be at work by 6 for my first day of training. I laid in bed for 3 hours just trying to fall asleep but I was too nervous for the next day.
I woke up and got to work 40 minutes late. They had already started training and I couldn't join them. I got sent home and everyone seemed to think I was going to get fired.
This was a big eye opener though bc it made me realize Im living in an adult world now and something as simple as not waking up on time can have serous consequences. I try to look on the bright side of things..
Optimal_Joy: Why couldn't you join them for the training? You were 40 minutes late, so what? Why didn't you just go to the training anyway?
Jawiki: Well I originally did. They were watching a video. After the video was over we walked over to our trainer and she asked if I was the 4th guy and how late I had arrived
I told her and said I was sorry, but she said that she would like to be able to work overtime and keep me for an extra 40 minutes after training to teach me what I missed but she isnt allowed to do that.
She said it was up to the manager on whether or not they were going to keep me or just fire me. She seemed to think that I was totally going to get fired. I understand it though. Showing up 40 minutes late to the first day of training is not a good way to start things. I would fire me haha.
I'm so sure I'm going to be fired because I know the director of the store and he said I'm basically fucked.
Oh well, time to fill out more applications and just move on.
Optimal_Joy: >Showing up 40 minutes late to the first day of training is not a good way to start things. I would fire me haha.
You see, this is the problem, if that's your attitude, then yes, you do deserve to be fired. You are perpetuating this vicious cycle and accepting intolerance of the imperfect nature of people. People fuck up and make mistakes all the time. Nobody is perfect. Everybody deserves some slack from time to time. It's bullshit to feel like you deserve to be fired for being 40 minutes late on day one and it's bullshit that they feel justified in firing you. Stick up for yourself. Fight! Be confident. Argue, don't back down. Yell, cuss, demand, insist, whatever you need to do, look that manager straight in the eye and tell him "Have you never been late or ever fucked up in your life before? Are you really so perfect?" And if he says he's never been late or never fucked up then tell him he's a fucking liar to his face. People like that can go to hell for all I care.
>I'm so sure I'm going to be fired because I know the director of the store and he said I'm basically fucked.
If you know the director, then ask him for help.
Again, this whole thing is bullshit. People deserve to be treated with more respect than this. One day, I hope you become a manager, and when you do, I hope you remember this and I hope you remember how shitty it feels to be treated in such a demeaning way. Break this cycle, don't perpetuate it. Give others a second, third, fourth, fifth chance, they deserve it. Just because you were late one day does not make you a worthless piece of shit. By accepting this, you are letting them tell you that you are good for nothing just because you made one mistake. Have some sense of self worth, some confidence. Stick up for yourself. Don't ever let anybody make you feel worthless, ever!
Naptowner: You are correct that people fuck up, make mistakes, and deserve some slack from time to time. But expecting to skate on being 40 minutes late on the first day - at the point when the company has almost zero investment in you - is more than "some slack." Respect is a mutual thing. In most cases it must be earned. When you are 40 minutes late to work you are telling your employer and coworkers that you don't respect their time.
And realize that if you are a manager and continually give people third, fourth, fifth chances, you are telling all the people who make an effort to get to work on time that those efforts don't matter. On a given day, a certain percentage of people can be late. A certain percentage can not show up at all, or screw around half the day. But if, as an employer, you don't enforce those rules, you end up with a workplace where no one is on time, no one bothers to work hard, because they see others getting away with it without any consequences. If you've ever worked in a place where incompetence is routinely overlooked, you'd know how disheartening this can be.
Optimal_Joy: That's all bullshit.
snapelady: No, it is not.
At one point in time, I was the manager for two different offices. I also was the person who interviewed, and ultimately hired, any new sysops we needed.
When I was new at the hiring process, I tended to be nice, and give people the benefit of the doubt. I had a few jerkoffs who showed up late for the first day of their trial week, claiming issues like: traffic made them late, they underestimated how long it would take them to get to work, overslept, etc. Ok, fine - I let it slide.
Then.. guess what? These same idiots could kept repeating this.. and repeating it.. and repeating it. Think they made it through their trial week? Nope.
Sorry, but if OP was having issues sleeping, and it was getting in to the wee hours of the night, he should have just stayed up, to make sure that he would arrive on time for his first day. God knows, I have done this, and countless other people have done this as well.
Either buck up and learn some responsibility, or gtfo.
Optimal_Joy: Fortunately not all management are assholes such as yourself, unfortunately most are, but fortunately a small minority realize there are far more important things than being on time every day, in fact that is relatively insignificant when it comes to IT people with real talent. By being so draconian, you are eliminating the best of the best and you are too arrogant or ignorant to even realize it.
snapelady: Riiigghhhttt... when those people did not show up, on time, for the days of their *Trial Week*, I am supposed to consider them to be responsible and trustworthy enough to be able to perform in the regular, day to day capacity, without supervision? Lol, no.
If you do not have the presence of mind to even attempt to make a good impression during a trial period, then you are not worth the time and effort that it will take, later on, to have to put up with your bs.
At least have the decency and wherewithal to make a good impression when you are still being judged on how well you are able to perform in the workplace. If I can out in the effort to show up on time, and do my job, then so can someone who is not even past their trial period yet.
Optimal_Joy: Like I said, you are focusing on something that is not the primary skillset of many IT professionals. Some of the best skilled, most highly talented IT people will by their very nature NEVER be on time. Don't expect them to be on time and don't pressure them or stress them out about it either. However, once they are there, you can count on having the very best at what they do. Timeliness is not of the utmost importance to everybody. People like you place so much emphasis on the clock that you fail to see the more important, larger picture.
| 10 | 1 | |
1350833342 | 1350864585 | null | t5_2to41 | 155 | [deleted]: TIFU Drinking... I don't even know the story yet
I'm not sure how I got so trashed last night. Normally if I stick to beer I'm good to go all night. I know I had 1 mixed drink last night, the rest was shitty beer and beer pong, which is well within my normal limit.
Well, I woke up today covered in my own piss, I can't go back to sleep(I'm still hung over) because my bed is soaked. My room smells like vomit, my desk mysteriously produced an air freshener and carpet stain remover. Next to my bed is my trash can, with a brand new trash bag that I didn't put in. My buddies wife facebook update is "I just don't understand", I'm hoping it's not because of me, but I have a feeling it is.
Scoping out our fridge between 6 people we went through 2 bottles and 50+ beers, which explains my black out. Everyone is still passed out, but once I find out what actually went down I will update.
*Edit*
Finally talked to my roommate and figured out what happen, wasn't as bad as I expected.
After blacking out I passed out on my floor, and my buddies wife got on my computer to browse reddit. I guess I started kicking her chair and ended up wrestling her. After round 1 she went to go smoke, I went to go pass out on my bed. She got the bright idea to try and get me in an arm bar, so I guess we wrestled again and shortly after I threw up the two slices of pizza all over my room. Then I disappeared for a bit, my roommates helped me out by cleaning up my vomit. While they were doing that I reappeared jumped on my bed while they were cleaning, and passed out for good.
So not too bad.
DeathHaze420: ....And all my retarded friends think I'M the idiot for not drinking........ Morons.
Rats_In_Boxes: if that's how you talk about your 'friends' they may be right. i wouldn't want to hang out with someone who called me retarded and a moron.
DeathHaze420: They're the ones calling me an idiot for not consuming poison that does this kind of shit. So yea, because they drink to excess and also do stupid shit like this, they, and all other drinkers that do this, like the OP are retarded morons.
[deleted]: Sounds like you're a load of fun.
DeathHaze420: Hey, drinking is fine. Drinking to the point of shit and vomit on the walls.... not so much.
[deleted]: It was urine in the bed and some vomit on the floor, sounds like a fun fucking night! Why should people not drink until they vomit? It can make the most boring day into an unforgettable night. Some of the most fun I've ever had was drinking myself to puking, especially when I know that I'm a balanced person and doing that every now and then isn't a problem.
I don't get why you insist so much on trying to tell people what to do with their free time and health.
DeathHaze420: Sounds like shit you wouldn't have to deal with if you didn't do it. I'm not saying that people shouldn't drink to excess, I'm saying that they are idiots for doing it. That's just simply stating my mind. Which is allowed. Your idea of a fun night isn't my idea of a fun night. I'm a loud mouthed asshole, you're a drunken fool. So what.
[deleted]: 1. Taking a shower to wash the urine off doesn't sound like shit.
2. Drinking in excess doesn't make you an idiot. Habitually drinking in excess and thinking that you don't have a problem or that it's okay to do makes someone an idiot.
3. Of course you can state your mind, nobody ever said you couldn't. At the same time, when you come onto this post, which you know is going to be about a crazy night of drinking, and spread your thoughts, it isn't just expression. You come with the intent to cause trouble, and that is a completely separate thing from freedom of expression.
4. Everyone thinks that a night drinking with friends is a fun night except nuns and you.
5. I go all out drunk once a month tops, hardly a drunken fool.
DeathHaze420: So you admit I am trolling yet you feed me?
Again, night out drinking, cool. Getting so blasted you paint the town with vom, not so. And maybe its all geography, but if you go to a bar here it is a retarded mess of piss and vomit.
| 10 | 15.5 | |
1350850401 | 1350903517 | null | t5_2to41 | 567 | tifuthrowaway1994: TIFUpdate to "TIFU by ignoring my doctor's advice"
[Original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11ts0x/tifu_by_ignoring_my_doctors_advice_nsfw/): Thanks ~~to most of you~~ for your replies! Edit: I'm in a really fucking good mood right now. No comments ruffled my feathers.
So there I was, crying my eyes out, when my roommate came home. She gave me some comfort and then told me to stop crying and go back and talk to him. I brushed my teeth, took a quick shower, and changed into some clean clothes. I grabbed a package of unopened paper towels and a box of Lindor chocolates (courtesy of my roommate… she's pretty awesome).
I arrived at his dorm. I knocked. No response. I knocked again. Still no response. I sat on the floor and proceeded to write a lengthy apologetic text message to him. As I was writing, I heard someone coughing inside. I stood up and knocked again, belatedly aware that maybe he wasn't home and it was one of his roommates. But it was him… wearing a bathrobe. He looked shocked to see me. Before he could say anything, I rambled about the antidepressants and that I panicked and left because I was so embarrassed and upset. He tried to interrupt me, but I said it was really shitty of me to just leave him there with that mess. I said I would pay for any cleaning costs. I apologized. I felt like crying but managed not to.
He just smiled at me. He told me to look at the couch. I noticed it was a different color. I was very confused. "Yeah, living in a dorm and all, we bought a couch cover. And there was a blanket covering the couch."
I felt so relieved and smiled too. I also noticed he'd cleaned up the mess. The place smelled like Febreze.
We sat down and talked. He admitted that the vomit was gross (the reason he didn't answer the door was because he was in the shower). But he added that he was very worried about me and was glad I was okay. He was very relieved that I came back to explain things. He said I could keep the paper towels but not the chocolate. Ha.
We talked all night, and we ended up falling asleep in his bed (so, yes, we slept together but didn't have sex). He said he really liked me too. He also said we should go on a few real dates and take things slowly. He said something like, "I really, really like you. I want to do this right." I might have melted. We learned so many things about each other. I like him even more and vice versa. Today I helped him with the laundry. The couch cover is being air dried but it looks like the stains didn't set in. Phew. He said he'd never tell anyone about last night. After class tomorrow, we're getting coffee. I am giddy.
tl;dr: Went back to crush/classmate's dorm, explained myself and apologized, classmate/crush said it was no big deal and he was more worried about me, we spent the whole night talking, fell asleep together in his bed, we're going on a date.
Walican132: Just think about telling the grand children how your first date went.
tifuthrowaway1994: Grandkittens. Children scare me.
Linkynet: Well, then, they'll probably be cute but indifferent!
Neebat: I've seen cats eat vomit. The grand kittens might be confused about why she was so upset about giving out free food.
Brendaaan: does a vegetarian have a different kind spew?
| 6 | 94.5 | |
1350860064 | 1351058359 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | throwawayoilfield: TIFU by turning down a high paying job.
I get woken up to my cousin calling. I answer the phone and he tells me he has a job for me. He tells me that he found me a job. That it's just a welders hand. Basically just grinding the cuts to a smooth finish. I tell him not because the last job he got me I was trained by a tweaker (meth), crackhead, and an alcoholic who got me fired to get his brother rehired. he promptly starts to yell and talk shit to which I hang up. My other cousin visiting gets up. I end up going back to sleep. My cousin calls back and my other cousin starts talking to him. Turns out I'd be making 15 dollars an hour for 8-10 hours a day and be paid for 12 for the first 3 days. Turns out after that I'd be making 25 dollars an hour. After my other cousin relays this to me I decide I'll do it. Turns out my cousin who told me about the job called my other cousin and my other cousin said yes.
grizzlymann: I lost track of how many cousins where involved in all this.
throwawayoilfield: sorry. 3 total. One offered me the job. I said no like a dumbass.
the 2nd one talked me into it after the fact.
the 3rd managed to get the job.
NarwhalAttack: To be honest you had a reason a to decline, it just sucks you found out the awesomeness after the fact.
throwawayoilfield: I know. Like the last job my cousin got for me I made 775 a week. and got paid on my week off. I made a total of like 2000 take home pay after like 2 weeks.
Mnawab: so then your cousin is awesome but your not great full...
doomgiver98: *grateful
If no one corrects you you'll never learn.
Mnawab: Correction, auto correct will never learn. I spell it right but my phone disagrees with me.
doomgiver98: How do I know you're telling the truth?
Mnawab: How about a gif of a [sheep?](http://i.imgur.com/ZVua6.gif) LOOK AT IT! I'm sure I have you convinced.
doomgiver98: Alright, you've got me convinced.
| 11 | 5.727273 | |
1350874330 | 1350917184 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU- Went into bfs facebook, he has login notifications activated
I go to facebook.com and he was the last one who had logged in so his email was there. I didn't intentionally want to creep but I just kinda felt compelled to guess his password... I guessed it right away. The worse part is I don't even have reasons not to trust him I was just curious... It logged me in and said something about secure browsing and asked me if I wanted to make this location "safe", so it wouldn't give login notifications from this computer anymore.
Login notifications also shows you on a map where it's being accessed from when you log in from home. I had to somewhat fess up... I texted him saying that I used my old computer to go on facebook and it had saved his password from when he used it last (ages ago) and signed him in. I don't know if he believed me or no, just said that was pretty weird. I don't know if it's worse or better that I fessed up... I guess that's what I get though. TIFU.
Go_John: The truth isn't always the best answer, but it's never the wrong answer.
[deleted]: I know but I just felt like such an idiot.. I feel like fessin' up to something like this would only do more damage than good. At least I learned my lesson not to snoop since there's no way in hell I would ever do that again.
Go_John: I don't know that you learned your lesson so much as you are still afraid of being found out.
[deleted]: *But* I did learn a lesson because that will prevent future snooping.
FUCKING_EVERYTHING: But ya didn't really 'cause you're being a creepy OAG
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1350882775 | 1350922887 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | [deleted]: TIFU By falling in the litter box, butt naked.
This seriously happened less than an hour ago. I undressed and stepped into the shower, turned the water on and waited for it to heat up a little. As I was reaching for the shower head to direct the stream of lukewarm water toward my nekkid body, I noticed I forgot to take my watch off. So I turned around. And that was when I lost my balance. After falling for what felt like three eternities, flailing about to get a handle on anything to stop my descent, I landed in a pile of sand filled with shit and piss. Luckily, I had chaned it yesterday. But I still landed in shit and piss.
Derp128: I would give anything to see your kitty's response
fuzewall: "Hey! Get out of my sandbox right meow!"
| 3 | 44 | |
1350881236 | 1350887131 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally inviting my sister to go see professional wrestling with me
So I'm a big fan of the WWE, and my dad told me today that he got 4 tickets to a live event on the 21st of January, and that I should find 2 more people to bring. My first pick was my older brother, he lives 2 hours away, and I almost never see him. For my second choice, I wasn't sure who to bring. My dad suggested my younger sister, I said, "No, she'll just ask stupid questions the whole time and I'll miss the entire show because I'll have to answer her questions." He said, "You don't know that, she might get into it." I said, "There's no point in asking, she won't even want to go anyways." My dad said, "Yes she will." So, I tried to prove my point by asking her. I called her into the room and asked her, "Would you want to go to a WWE event in January?" To my sad surprise, she said yes. I later tried to tell my dad that it was a mistake and that I didn't actually want her to go, and now I'm stuck in this position where I can't tell her that she can't go because she'll be sad, but I don't want her to go and distract me the whole time.
Fuck.
WinterCharm: Explain the rules to her beforehand.
This way, you can *both* enjoy.
DanceGriffinDance: I've tried to do it a hundred times, she just doesn't get it
WinterCharm: :(
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1350921764 | 1350926489 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU been caught stealing from work, have not told parents...
Was called into the office Saturday was suspended on the spot while they investigate. i go back tomorrow too see whats going too happen, i know im fired and i have told my mum and dad the same. My dad is saying hes going too get solicitors involved if i am fired because i haven't told him its because ive stole, he would kill me basically. I've fucked up good and proper ;)
hippiewench: Goddamn Chav.
[deleted]: Im actually not a god damn Chav, so you can shhhh.
hippiewench: Hooligan.
[deleted]: Im not a hooligan either, just an arse...
hippiewench: Carry on my wayward son,
there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1350926074 | 1351034942 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | kslaven: TIFU The quintessential Freudian slip
This actually happened less than a year ago.
**Background** So I use to hang out with these two girls in High School. By the time we all graduated they both were in serious relationships. We all split up for college, I grew up in a rural area and moved into the inner city and they went off to a college town several hours away. The two girls brought their boyfriends, who basically didn't do anything (i.e. no job/school) with them and got an apartment together. One of those boyfriends had this uncanny ability to attract the sketchiest people towards him. In this college town he had made friends with a couple of traveler dudes (train hoppers, squatters, oogles, whatever you call them) and began to to have these guys over quite often. By the time winter break came around the occupants of the apartments left to hang out with their families at home and these guys broke into the apartment while they were gone. Apparently these dudes had picked up some ladies and needed a place to nail them for the weekend. When the girls got back the apartment was wrecked; There was dog shit everywhere, all the plates were broken, and one of the girl's bed had cum stains all over it. As you can imagine this event forced a wedge between the roommates and led to their relationships with each other to dissolve.
**Where I blew it** So years later I had managed to only stay in real contact with one of the two girls. She came down for another winter break and called me to come hang out in the city. She brought one of her guy friends from the old neighborhood and us, along with my two roommates got around and spent the night drinking and catching up.
Before I go further I must mention that this girl is completely gorgeous, easily an 9/10-10/10. So needless to say I had a physical (sexual) attraction to her by default. It was nothing I would ever act on though, we had been friends for so long and I definitely felt she was way out of my league so we were just platonic friends.
While we were sitting around the table getting appropriately smashed, that incident came up in the conversation. I had already known exactly what happen (everyone did) but as things are she began to tell the story from the beginning as if none of us had the slightest idea about what happened. So i'm drunk, and as she gets to the part about her jizz stained sheets I interrupt and say: **"Oh yea, didn't that guy cum on your face?"**, what i meant to say was: "didn't that guy cum on your bed?"
The funny thing is that I had no idea what I said at first. The whole table went silent and I saw my roommate giving me the most intense "What the fuck!?" look I had ever seen, The girl was in completely petrified, and all the while I was smiling completely oblivious to the bomb I just dropped. It took me a little bit to realize that something had occurred; and then it hit me. I began to apologize profusely, she wrote it off like it was no big deal. The rest of the night went well but the atmosphere remained quite awkward to say the least.
ohhhhcanada: YIKES. That's actually a pretty good one :P
DeathHaze420: I apologize for my fellow Canadians view on what constitutes a "fuck up" :p
ohhhhcanada: Well, he did post in this sub because he himself viewed it as a fuck up, I thought it was just a funny faux pas :) Personally, I would've laughed my ass off if my friend said that to me. That's why I said it was a good one. Why the downvotes?
DeathHaze420: I think it is due to everyone else's opinion. Personally its a laughable fuck up to me as well. I just wanted to make the sorry joke.
Sorry about that man.
ohhhhcanada: I'm sorry too, us Canadians have to stick together. That was just like, my own opinion, man. Off to /r/trees, where downvotes don't exist. :P
DeathHaze420: Strangely enough, I haven't subbed that subreddit, even with the 420 in my name lol
| 7 | 10.714286 | |
1350953995 | 1351007054 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | Kyzanator: Why don't we have "TIAFU" (Today I almost fucked up) on here as well as TIFU for close calls?
Just a suggestion...
WinterCharm: It's a great idea. I actually just tried to create the subreddit /r/closecalls for sharing lucky stories and almost-disasters that were averted.
Sadly, /r/closecalls and /r/closecall have both been taken :(
Sad, really. :(
one is inactive, and the other has a pitiful amount of posts.
Asifys: /r/redditrequest
| 3 | 14 | |
1350861582 | 1351449936 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | vgulla: TIFU by daydreaming and turning it into reality
This morning, my dad woke me up at 5 in the morning, and said that he wanted to take me to help him with his dry cleaning, because there were a lot of clothes to be washed and picked up. So I'm waiting in the car, daydreaming about calling my dad an ass and a lot of other mean words. He woke me up by getting in the car. At this point in time, I was dreaming about calling him a dick. He woke me up, and I said, without thinking, "You're a dick." I don't know if he heard me or not. I acted like nothing happened. I'm hoping for the best right now.
Tl;dr I was daydreaming in the car and ended up calling my dad a dick to his face.
WinterCharm: Haha just apologize. Explain what happened, and I'm sure that he'll just be okay with it.
Just tell him you were daydreaming and someone was being a jerk to you, and as you woke up you reflexively said, "You're a dick!"
doomgiver98: I once punched a wall when I was startled while sleeping. I knuckles started bleeding at like 5am and I was unequiped to deal with it at that time. In my sleep I was fighting someone and it was going awesome because I was winning.
maimai2: I was dreaming about, well, who knows what, but I woke up and saw my fist going towards my face and couldn't stop it. Gave myself a horrid bloody nose.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1350963031 | 1351021134 | null | t5_2to41 | 260 | The_Tolfdir: TIFU By Telling An Amputee He Looked Like a Starfish
For clarification, this happened last Sunday.
I was taking my morning walk by the beach and noticed a man who I thought was buried in the sand. I couldn't see his arms or legs, but I figured they had been covered with sand by his kids.
I walked over and said good morning, to which he responded, "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" I answered, "It is! The way you're buried makes you look like a starfish!" or something along those lines.
Then it happened. I looked back at his chair and noticed his prosthetic limbs. I felt like the biggest fuck up ever. He grunted, "Yeah..." and I quickly retreated to my car. I called a complete amputee, no arms or legs, a starfish. Fuck me.
cactuar44: Man... when I first started working at a rehabilitation center for handicapped patients, I once told a guy paralyzed in a wheelchair to just "sit back and relax while they come to pick you up". He was not happy. Felt so stupid after!
Stormcloudy: Can I assume that this is for recently handicapped people? Because I think I would be an absolute shit for a few months about my legs being broken. I don't know if most paraplegics who have been for a while would realize it's just a turn of phrase. I dunno.
Edit: I mean a center for recently handicapped, obviously....
cactuar44: Yes, your correct. After the initial injury (like a stroke or a car accident), they go immediately into the hospital for medical attention and possible surgery. That could last a couple of days or up to a month. Then they go into my unit where they do physiotherapy and and learn to use wheelchairs, learn to cope. That could last up to a year. I'm not sure how long that particular person was in there for, but the look he gave me, made me feel like crap and I knew I deserved it! HOWEVER, at the same time, I know that I'm not the only dumbass out there and they might have to get used to it. Is that wrong of me to say?
Stormcloudy: Well, like I say, I'm sure at some point he's going to realize that "sit" is not an insult.
| 5 | 52 | |
1350973711 | 1351051417 | null | t5_2to41 | 611 | worriedaboutroommate: TIFU and almost kissed my roommate (but pussied out)
So I've been living with my roommate roughly 7 months now. She's a very attractive woman. She's smart, funny, gorgeous, and has a body to kill for. We've become really close friends, and naturally (as idiots are wont to do) I've fallen for her. I want to avoid pursuing any romantic entanglements with her, since the living situation would just be too complicated.
Tonight we were cleaning up after dinner, she was washing dishes and I was drying them and putting them away. She hands me a measuring cup and it goes in the cabinet just above her, so I reach above her to put it away, and she turns around. She's looking up at me, I've got her basically pinned up against the counter with my arm on the shelf above her. Our bodies are so close together we're swapping heat, and she's got this vulnerable, doe-eyed look going on. It's driving me crazy, and our heads come in that our lips are *thisclose*. Our lips are just barely grazing each other, and our breath is hot and intermingling. All it would take was a centimeter and I could be kissing her.
But instead that stupid fucking *common sense* is like "No, dude, that's your roommate!" and I turn away, and just keep putting dishes away. We try to make a few jokes to dissipate the awkwardness. As soon as she turned around and we were so close it was damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't. If I made a move it could be a disastrous hook-up that ends terribly with one or both of us moving out. Not making a move and there's sexual tension, regret, and more regret.
Masturbating alone tonight.
skatterbug: There is more to this story than OP has described here. This is not the first time this has happened and there is an added twist to the tale.
A little sleuthing gives me this:
http://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/10yvex/my_roommate_hurts_herself_i_save_the_day_then_we/
and this
http://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/10dpu3/i_think_my_roommate_has_a_history_of_sexual_abuse/
GreatGreenSaurian: plot twist!
[OP is a gay man or a woman?](http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/10hcs3/iama_gayconversion_therapy_survivor_ama/c6dpa8b)
OneTinyHippo: I'm going to go with bisexual man, or fake. Second link from Holmes up there says he's a man in the first sentence.
Also that the roommate is his coworker's daughter, and may have a rough sexual past. Also that she got into some trouble and had to move in to his place...
I'm going to go with the fact that if you try anything again, if she's not into it, you're going to make her very uncomfortable and on the prowl for a new living situation ASAP.
Although I'm never a fan of what ifs, so wait until the lease is almost up and kiss the girl!
skatterbug: Dude is putting a lot of effort into this fake, if it is fake. He's posted the same basic story in 2 locations and then has another story he's posted in a couple other locations.
Whole thing sounds weird and like he's a creepy old man perving on a vulnerable young girl and is now trying to justify said creepy pervyness.
> friend and coworker got into a very complicated situation with his daughter and she needed somewhere to live.
What is this complicated situation that required her moving out of her father's house and into a stranger's? Is he the same age as the father or the daughter?
Side note to those saying wait until the lease is up
>I offered to put her in my guest room
There is no lease, dude owns the house and is letting her stay in an empty room.
worriedaboutroommate: -Bisexual man
-I'm younger than her father. She's 7 years younger than me.
-Not fake
-Not my story to tell her situation. It involves a lot of family drama.
-Not a creepy old man
Caudata: Based on the information given from your other posts. Its best not to act on your heart and better to follow your brain. I don't know if you're close with your friend and he'd be okay with you dating his daughter, but I don't know the dynamics.
You say she has sexual abuse history. Best you urge her in subtle or direct, however you see fit, manner that she needs a therapist. You are not her emotional crutch, but you are there support her. There's a fine line between the two.
I may be fabricating lies or hitting home base but these sexual situations, are your subconscious spur of the moment of your doing. You mentioned she is a vulnerable person due to her sex-abusive history. Judging from the information present from your last few posts, she wouldn't make a move unless someone initiated.
Also the whole point of having and getting a girl is to bite the bullet. "You gotta rock out with your cock out"
Bottom line. Find out what it she means to you. What your friend means to you. Cause you've obliviously welded a double edge sword into your nub of an arm.
Answerdog: "I think you should begin to think what your feelings mean to you first. Try to define how strong they are and if they are worth acting on at all, or this is simply just a temporary crush on her.
Now for her abuse history, there's no way to make her trust you. She has to confide in you when she feels comfortable. The lack of choice could become one of the biggest triggers for rape survivors. As a friend, you have to try and give her back that power to make a choice in all aspects of her life, because someone took that away from her in the past. As long as you keep supporting her, I'm sure she'll slowly begin trusting you. It might take a long time, so don't hold your breath.
HOWEVER, when she does confide in you, make sure you recommend THERAPY. You are not qualified to become the sole emotional support for such a traumatic experience(unless you have a psychology degree). Just be there for when she needs someone to talk to, as a FRIEND without any expectations in return."
worriedaboutroommate: This is probably the most helpful answer so far.
Mnawab: fuck it, take a chance. maybe you will be the guy who saves her. maybe her father will approve.
MyLittleButtercup: Wouldn't he rather be her partner than her savior?
Mnawab: Why not both?
MyLittleButtercup: Because once you're in the "savior" frame of mind, it's really hard to get out of. It's hard to think of the other person as an equal if you think you've saved them from a horrible fate. Not a good situation at all. I know a guy whose wife is a perpetual victim, and he has this god complex going on where he's constantly reassuring her everything's going to be ok, and putting out emotional fires. It's an exhausting relationship.
Mnawab: Maybe he likes it. Sure its a tiresome relationship but maybe he likes being her hope and savior. Makes you feel like that loved one really depends on you and really loves you. Its not completely a bad thing but that also depends on the person I guess
| 13 | 47 | |
1350972018 | 1351892505 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | jamesah2008: TIFU by getting into a political debate with right wing nutjobs on facebook. Now I feel sickened knowing what kind of morons I have as friends.
Just ranting. I'm more libertarian leaning but I generally like everything political to be fact based and can accept legitimate criticism at any time. Political division makes me sick.
Asifys: > Right wing nutjobs
>Political division makes me sick
LoneWolf27: I believehe's saying they're nutjobs because they refuse to even acknowledge the other side. Maybe.
Static_Line_Bait: More likely it's because they're into the "Obama's a bad pres. because he's a Muslim commie traitor born in Kenya" thing. Many right-wingers I've talked to buy into some form of that shit (yes, I know there's many conservatives who don't, it's just depressing how many do). Dislike Obama for his policies, not for some silly nonsense, you know?
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1350999637 | 1351007370 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU (YIFU) by opening a fresh surgery wound.
**Backstory :** About 6 months ago, I was receiving oral from a girl, and she bit me right on the frenulum (that's the string that goes from the foreskin to the head). It didn't heal completely, so I had to get a surgery (frenuloplasty). I got the surgery last week, and there's a very noticeable swell plus about an inch of stitches. My present girlfriend had just got back from 2 weeks vacations the day of the surgery, so needless to say, we were both pretty horny.
**Fuck Up :** So yesterday, we're both drunk, and things gets hot pretty quickly. The doctor said I shouldn't have sex for at least another two weeks. I didn't listen. I put on a condom and we go at it for a bit. It's very painful at this point, but what the hell, I'm drunk, she's enjoying it, might as well get this over with. But while I was thrusting, a rigid wire of the stitches pierced the condom, essentially locking the wound to the inside of the condom. When I pulled out, two stitches were gone, and there was blood everywhere. So now I have an open gash right under the foreskin of my dick. I've contacted my doctor and got an appointment for this afternoon, but right now I'm just sitting here with my bloody dick, thinking about how I fucked up.
**TL;DR :** Had penis surgery, had sex a week after, opened the wound.
mrP0P0: Typical. First thing you do is post it to Reddit.
HotbutteryToast: I mean I'm just sat here with puss and shit flowing out in pain and discomfort and I just needed to go and tell strangers on the internet, now excuse me whislt I faint.
*Kaplunk*.
| 3 | 22.333333 | |
1350991422 | 1351021066 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | PhatDaddy420: IFUAWA by kneeing this blind midget on the forehead...
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: I'm in suspense not knowing if the chocolate bar and drink managed to hold you over for a few hours.
PhatDaddy420: It helped take the edge off.. After 9 hours of running around and not eating, a chocolate bar stops you from murdering the next "I'm right cause i'm the customer" customer. But the second one.. Tough.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Next time send out a trainee to get you something to eat. Give them a time limit to get back to the store. Watch and laugh as they try to make their way through all of the people that don't know which direction to go while getting cut off by strollers and rascal scooters.
PhatDaddy420: I wish I would of, but I also needed to just "get out" for a minute, obviously didn't pan out well, with the whole, kneeing a visually-impared little person situation. lol
| 5 | 7 | |
1351020513 | 1351122181 | null | t5_2to41 | 128 | [deleted]: TIFU and now my boss thinks I was taking dick pics/poop pics.
So. I was in the restroom at work. I was taking my traditional after lunch dump. I proceeded to take my phone out of my pocket and check my twitter. I slide the screen down to refresh the page and guess what....the noise the twitter app makes when you refresh the page sounds exactly like a camera shutter. I had this realization right after my phone made the sound. So I think...no big deal...I'm the only one in here. Little did I know my boss was in the stall next to mine. So I step out of the stall and start to wash my hands, he flushes and comes out of his stall and says to me "you must have one dirty girlfriend." So TIFU. Always always always turn your phone on silent in the bathroom.
[deleted]: That's not a real fuck up.
If you let him think that's what happened, then he the blame gets shifted to your girlfriend.
Or you could have said "Actually, I was just checking twitter. For some reason it makes that sound."
flea-ish: Twooping. It's a thing.
| 3 | 42.666667 | |
1351020677 | 1351062481 | null | t5_2to41 | 133 | [deleted]: TIFU (Friday actually/I'm a girl by the way) and shared a kiss with my friend after she told me she had a crush on me.
So she knows that before i was married to my husband my dating pool consisted of women.
she was getting us some beers from her mini fridge in her closet and calledme in. (commence jokes about being called into the closet) She proceeded to tell me she doesn't want to ruin our friendship but needs to tell me she has a crush on me and is really attracted to me. Grabs my hand so i can help her off the floor and continues to hold my hand. I tell her i like her too and we kissed only for like 7 seconds cause we hear our kids on the other side of the door.
Now before judgment is passed my husband and i have decided to divorce after the holidays. He knows my history and i already told him what happened he was excited and had a huge fucking grin (fucking men) lol.
But she has kids and a husband too. He cheated on her before and she feels guilty for kissing me.
Now instead of being smart and leaving it alone after we both said we didn't want it to ruin our friendship... I text her a few days after (only cause we didn't mention it for days) saying i enjoyed it and hope it'll happen again. Since then we haven't really talked. Which is odd cause almost every hour or two (for months now) i get a text from her.
Update: so just got back from seeing her for a few hours. She acted completely normal like before anything happened. That's a good sign :) definitely leaving the situation alone at this point.
alphasandwich: Dear reddit, today I didn't fuck up but I did, however, have a positive experience that I hope to repeat in the future.
Not only did this not happen today but -- worse -- no part of this is a fuck up. This is no way relevant or interesting to read. Downvoted with maximum prejudice.
[deleted]: We appreciate your honesty but chill! Just downvote and move on if you think a post doesn't belong. For what its worth, you're right, but you don't need to be rude.
| 3 | 44.333333 | |
1351025049 | 1351026942 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU elbowing a girls boob
I deeply regretted it.
KE7CKI: How'd you fuck that up? In a quick, single motion force your elbow into the left or right breast of a woman. That simple.
TFiPW: Can you redirect me to the proper subreddit then?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1351007842 | 1351045143 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU and now my kitchen smells like burning rubber
I was making coffee with a Moka Pot this morning, still half asleep. After a while I got impatient for the caffeinated nectar of life and opened the top of the pot to see if any had finished brewing. At this point, I noticed that the plastic handle was a bit...softer and more flexible than usual, and the Moka Pot was a little less heavy than it should have been. I forgot to add water!
I tried to remedy this by grabbing a couple of potholders (the silicone-backed kind that are usually pretty heat-tolerant) and trying to unscrew the damn thing so I could fill it, but the Moka Pot was pretty toasty and burned through one of them. Eventually I just chucked it in the sink and cooled it with running water.
Now I have coffee, but my kitchen smells like ass, and I'll get to work a little later than I wanted.
**tl;dr Making coffee before sufficiently awake can be a dangerous affair.**
Fuluturu: I don't drink coffee, but my father always filled his maker with water before he went to sleep. Just one less thing to do when you wake up in zombie mode. Hell, we had it next to the sink, and my father still did this just to help avoid this exact occurrence. It may be time to invest in a simple habit.
[deleted]: That would be a good idea, yes...
| 3 | 3 | |
1351029531 | 1351053580 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | NEWSBOT3: tifu by trying to upgrade my week old computer and now it doesnt work anymore
i emailed the supplier, but they'll almost certainly tell me that it was my own stupid fault and i'll have to buy $500 of parts to fix it myself :(
(if anyone is curious, the fans were too noisy, so i put a new cpu heatsink/fan on, and now it doesnt power on anymore, no lights, nothing. i've built computers before so i'm pretty sure it's dead.)
sigh.
**EDIT IT LIVES :D :D**
i couldnt sleep (its 5am here), so i decided to try again - took the cpu out, checked it all looked ok, cleaned the contacts, put it back in again, and this time it worked :D
thanks everyone for their suggestions!
[deleted]: if you blew the mobo, the fans would come on no matter what. you missed a cable somewhere man.. or the power supply is messed up. no lights no fans = missed cable somewhere... unplug it all. replug it in, also since your taking it apart, make sure you didnt get any silver goo on the processor
NEWSBOT3: thats what i thought, but i've tried all that, tried with different power supplies etc, and i get nothing at all after 5hrs of un/replugging :(
[deleted]: custom case or all came together?
NEWSBOT3: bit of both to make it even more fun - i ordered the case/board/chip pre-built and put my own graphics/power/drives in.
however, reseating the cpu seems to have fixed it! though it's eaten my windows install :(
[deleted]: gratz! good luc
| 6 | 15.166667 | |
1351023982 | 1357177867 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,395 | Stellarce: TIFU By not checking my outfit before I left
I just got a new skirt and was really excited to wear it. The fabric was a little thin but it's also dark red so I didn't think I had to worry about anything. Unfortunately, wearing black panties with a bright pink MUST HAVE written across the butt was poor taste. I was completely oblivious that everyone could see my panties while walking around school all day until my roommate burst out laughing when I returned to my dorm.
amayernican: FYI...That can be pretty hot sometimes. Especially when it's an accident. It feels like a gift to guys when it's unintentional.
AnThonYMojO: thanks for letting them know how creepy we can be
Nomiss: No different to stealing a glance of forearms under a haphazardly rolled up sleeve.
They convey the same amount of hotness.
nekosmash: Tasteful sideboob is always a bonus too
Nomiss: Hah, that'd almost be enough to kick off the age old debate of side boob or under-butt, everyone has a preference as to which is hotter.
nekosmash: Does it count as a preference if you prefer both?
thecrikster: Well that just kinda implies you're just grateful for a perv at any bit of exposed skin.
The-Great-One: You act like it's surprising to find out guys feel that way
| 9 | 155 | |
1351025879 | 1351142943 | null | t5_2to41 | 95 | sandman369: TIFU by quitting without having another job secured.
I have a few offers in the process, but nothing actually confirmed yet. I've been planning to quit for a month or so now, and today I just couldn't take it anymore. Fuck my anxiety and weakness. Fuuuuck.
Just hoping one of these 3 good offers comes through soon. Otherwise I have to dip into my savings to live, and start the shitty job hunt process again.
dkaeone: Quit a job at a restaurant, with NO savings, then two weeks later I'm making almost double at a job where I do 1/3 of the work I did at the restaurant.
Life has a funny way of working itself out, man. Just keep sending out resumes. At least 4 or 5 a day.
Nicholasss: I don't know why people don't do this. I was laid off from a great job and unemployment wasn't going to cover two car payments, insurance, rent, food, and college. I whored out my resume and the next week I had three interviews and was made an offer for one. Fortunately I was offered my job back 10 days after getting laid off but it is not hard to find a job. My unemployed friends use the economy as an excuse but they are just too lazy and think a $30k+ job will fall into their lap. $30k isn't shit anyway if you're not going to school. Which they aren't though they have all the free time in the world. You get out what you put in.
kibben: It's not hard to find a job? That is completely dependent on where you live and other circumstances. I've put out over 100 resumes in the past six weeks and have met with eight recruiters and have had only one nibble. And I'm a professional with eight years' experience in my field - the last four at management level. Maybe where you are the job market isn't so tight, but here in Sydney it's brutal.
Nicholasss: I live just outside of Detroit. Unemployment is high here. Having 8 years of experience in a specific field and looking for another job making close to what you made before in that field is hard. But when you're in your early 20's and can do anything that gets a paycheck it isn't.
Iwearhats: Hey same here, right outside of Detroit. Most of my unemployed friends are worthless in my eyes. They refuse to go out and even work a low paying job to get through their rent, and only send out maybe one resume or application a week if they feel like it. I just dont understand this mentality. I'm busting my ass in a factory making 9 dollars an hour and putting in 48+ hours a week while I get the skills and education to find a more stable and better paying job. I'm using the benefits that I have and then putting out more resumes to hopefully land a decent job by the end of the year. It really comes down to ambition. When I was unemployed for a few weeks I sent out at least five or so resumes a day. Didn't wind up with the best job, but low pay and good benefits are much better than no pay and no benefits.
Nicholasss: It's sad to think we are a rare breed at our age. I think we have very similar feelings on the situation. $9/hr in a factory sucks, been there for a brief period. If you live in or close to Oakland County and want to get out the factory job send me a message, I might be able to help. I know a couple people who are hiring for entry level jobs for more than $9/hr right now, including the company I work for. Good luck!
| 7 | 13.571429 | |
1351045295 | 1351060381 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | datasswasphat: [NSFW?] TIFU by falling off my bed post-breast reduction surgery and now I have a nasty green bruise (damn you, iPhone 4 camera for not taking good pics in low light) on my left breast. Fucking OUCH.
http://i.imgur.com/9dtmE.jpg
It hurts like a motherfucker. (And I really hope it isn't infected/fucked up in any other way, but aside from some dull pain (which is normal now eight days post-surgery) nothing seems unusual.)
Herdnerfer: Have any before pics for comparison?
pezz29: It'll be a little bigger and not green. Scar'll probably be gone, too. There you go. You got your comparison without even needing to half-assedly beg for nudes from strangers on the internet.
babaganoush19: http://i.imgur.com/LNvq9.jpg
| 4 | 7 | |
1351048941 | 1351051021 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | worriedaboutroommate: Update: Almost kissed my roommate
izelkay: My nigga
worriedaboutroommate: [My nigga](http://i.imgur.com/RWrx5.jpg)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1351057185 | 1351136990 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,055 | worriedaboutroommate: TIFUpdate: I almost kissed my roommate
So [from this post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11xmu9/tifu_and_almost_kissed_my_roommate_but_pussied_out/) I saw everyone said to just go for it. It's a complicated living situation, hence my resistance, but since the near-kiss I've felt regret, rather than feeling like dodging a bullet.
I saw [this video and it pretty much sums up our relationship](http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/biggest-red-flag-in-history-relationships/). Not naked baths, but we're one of those friends who are weirdly close. Like cuddle, sleep in same bed, hold hands, that sort of thing. Other chick are definitely bothered by it. Call me friendzoned or a pussy all you want. I already know this.
I got home from work and internetted while she made dinner, and showed her that video. She laughed, and said something like "That's so like us." I broke out some wine, and we went from laughing about the video to talking about our relationship. I know, not the sexiest move. But important.
Essentially our talk was along the lines of "why haven't we?" rather than "will we?". It came down to the complication of our living situation- it isn't as easy as just-move-out-when-the-lease-is-up. It was a very long conversation, so I can't recap all of it, but it covered a lot of issues- both of our relationship issues, our family issues, our living situation, our friendship- we talked all the way through dinner, and ended up talking on the couch. She was curled up in a corner of the couch, and my arm was behind her on the back of the couch. We finally started to talk about our feelings for each other. She was shy about it, so I took the initiative and told her how I felt about her, and gently stroked her cheek while I did. She told me she had feelings for me too, strong ones. I asked her if she thought our feelings were strong enough for us to take a shot. She tried to get me to answer, but I insisted that she go first, all the while I was leaning in closer and closer. Our faces were getting closer and closer, and she was doing the doe-eyes again. I felt like a slick motherfucker.
The second she said "yes" I closed the gap and kissed her. We made out on the couch for a while (kissing is so awesome) and she let me go as far as feeling her up under her shirt. When I tried to go downtown she stopped me and told me she didn't want to rush anything, so I nodded and kept kissing her. We made out more, then cuddled a little, and eventually she decided she was going to go to bed. I joked if she wanted me to join her, but she laughed me off. She gave me a goodnight kiss and went off to bed.
Still masturbating alone tonight, but masturbating with hope rather than regret.
bigcheese1: Still masturbating alone tonight, but masturbating with hope rather than regret.
there is no such thing, masturbating is always with regret
halo00to14: When I masturbate, I always yell "NO REGRETS!"
Sciurusdoomus: Tried this. Wasn't bad.
Amarevita: This would be very awkward with my roommate.
Sciurusdoomus: I only yelled it because mine walked in... Never break eye contact.
Amarevita: Look 'em in the eyes and finish
Sciurusdoomus: TIFU: I masturbated on and subsequently fell in love with my roommate.
| 8 | 131.875 | |
1351068195 | 1351163412 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | StandingUpForSelf: TIFU, I stood up for myself to a coworker but I feel like a paranoid bitch
I've had a coworker who has bad people skills, is selfish, doesn't empathize, and has done odd things that favor him at the expense of me in front of our boss. I once considered him a friend, but not so sure after working together. I sent him an email confronting him about it. I **hate** conflict, and it's stressing me out, but I'm not going to be disrespected. I want to know I did the right thing, even if I made things awkward.
[deleted]: The mistake was doing this by email. (That doesn't even qualify as 'confront' in my book, but that's another story.)
StandingUpForSelf: So how do I deal with it now? I figured email was the only way I'd ever say anything. I was brought up with conflict ending relationships, so I have a hard time dealing with it face to face. I'm trying to deal with this in a healthier way.
[deleted]: Face-to-face but not aggressively. Think that your only goal is to make him realize you're unhappy about his behaviour, not to change it, that's up to him. That'll make it less like a 'fight' but still give you the satisfaction/peace of mind to have stood up for yourself.
About the email - give him room to tell you his opinion of it. It's a good way to start the conversation. e.g. 'can we talk about my email for a minute?' and keep it short, friendly in tone, and don't get dragged into bickering, just speak your mind.
I know the feeling of stress in these situations, it's horrible. Good luck.
StandingUpForSelf: Thanks cryo! Alright, that sounds like a plan. The hard part is getting the strength to do this face to face. Even though I'm an adult, this is new and scary territory for me to stand up for myself. Should I apologize for the email? I didn't mean to sound angry in it, but I did have a few accusations intermixed with saying I wanted to talk about it in person.
I'm trying not to be the asshole I suppose.
I'm worried I'm going to back out and apologize, but these were real issues I was considered about. If my coworker says I imagined them (though our boss has noticed his attitude too), then I'm not sure what to say.
tl;dr trying to stay classy and needing reassurance because I'm neurotic
In retrospect, my email was overly formal / a bit snappy. Ideally I would have made calm suggestions. I'll just have to accept that the friendship was probably gone before I sent the email since this was happening, and be classy when I bring it up in person.
[deleted]: I fully understand. I hate these situations too (because they stress me out too). And conflict too. AND I'm also worried about the things you mention - backing out out of politeness, or because of feeling out-argued.
To a degree, a solution to all these problems is: keep your statements about yourself. Because your experiences, and how you feel about them, are unassailable facts. You can not be wrong about them. Using soft statements such as "When you did X I thought Y" and "Doing X in front of the boss made me feel Y and I feel like it's at my expense" are un-aggressive ways to convey your discontent.
Should you apologize for the email? No. The thing is that you may have handled the situation awkwardly (IMHO), by perhaps coming off angry (I don't know) or it being by email, but the reason why you did it (wanting to get something off your chest) is 100% valid. There are two dimensions to every communication - form and content. You could apologize for the form ('angry' email) but not content ('i am discontent with your behaviour'). Your new communication (face to face) could be very light-hearted in form. You can smile all the time, while saying "I'm unhappy with how you're acting and don't accept behaviour X in front of the boss". It's not a fight, you're just letting him know! Don't *accept* it turning into a fight either.
Try to settle into the mindset of: my feelings are legitimate. My desire to air my disconent is legitimate. I am not so unimportant that it doesn't matter. I don't have to fight him and make him change his ways or even admit he is wrong. He should know I feel disrespected though, and that I won't accept it. This does not make you an asshole; this makes you a normal human being trying to get along with other human beings.
That will let you stand up for yourself without feeling like you have to win a war in order to do it, so you don't have to gather as much strength as you currently feel you have to.
Good luck man/ma'am!
StandingUpForSelf: So, turns out my email was a lot nicer than I remember. I feel more confident now. No response, but that figures. At least it's out there.
Propyl_People_Ether: Although email doesn't bring instant gratification in terms of the other person's response, it usually is the most effective way to confront people for good long-term results - simply because you can look over all the crappy wording that you might blurt out and wind up looking like an asshole, and *change it* to something that makes you look like an avatar of compassion and goodness before it goes beyond your computer.
And also, you have a record of the conversation in case anything goes wrong.
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1351106637 | 1351201357 | null | t5_2to41 | 572 | ttc02: TIFU and cheated on my wife
I love my wife. I love her more than anything. We've been together for over a decade. Been through miscarriages and conception hell. Have a beautiful daughter together. But our sex life sucks. Ever since the first miscarriage it sucked. Except when we were trying to conceive. Then she was a sperm junkie, but our sex was all mechanical and completely dispassionate. We didn't have sex for nearly a year after conceiving and having our child, and now sex is rare. I can tell she doesn't really enjoy it, and it happens once every month or so. We've been fighting lately, too. I know this isn't an excuse, but it's a lot of the reasoning behind my actions.
One of the days I have off work I've been taking my daughter to the park. It's a day my wife works, but I enjoy the one-on-one time with my girl. At the park I met another parent, a single mom who has a preschooler. We've been getting along for a while, talking and bringing each other coffee, and today we were talking about her kids sports. He loves swimming but she can't afford swim class. I offered for her to come over and use our pool. I gave her my address and an hour later she was at my house, and we were swimming with our kids.
She was wearing a bikini, and I couldn't help but notice her body. She was slim, barely a stretch mark on her. My wife gained a lot of weight and got a lot of stretch marks. I know her body went through a lot, and I don't care what she looks like- but she does. She always has something negative to say about herself now. She was never thin, she's always been curvy and plus-sized, but she was confident and sexy. Our kids started to get tired, so we put them down for a nap in the bedroom, and went downstairs for some coffee.
We were shooting the shit, she complimented my couch, and we sat down together. I can't even explain what came over me. It had been weeks since I'd had sex, and this gorgeous woman was giving me all the right signals. I kissed her. She kissed me back, and started to pull my clothes off. I untied her bikini and we ended up having sex on the couch. Even as it was happening I was thinking 'this is so wrong' but I was feeling good about myself, and I didn't want it to stop.
Afterward she took a shower and collected her kid and left. I've felt like shit the whole day. A part of me also feels really satisfied and elated, and I feel even shittier about that. My wife came home and told me she was tired and went to bed early. I was glad to see her and depressed when she went to bed, didn't even want to talk to me. I know she's working hard and tired from the baby, but it just made me think about the other woman again.
I feel like the worst person in the world. I don't want my wife to leave me, and I don't think I could ever, ever tell her about it. I love her so much, and I regret having sex with another person with all of my being. I'm the worst husband.
fatbastard79: Better hope [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/11zoyq/i_found_a_strange_earring_back_in_my_pool_is_this/) isn't your wife
nowthenyogi: shit just got interesting
flea-ish: SHIT SON, The Internet!
TheLowSpark: OH SHIT! Wait'll the internet hears about this...
acuddlyheadcrab: Let's mention shit 4 times now. SHEEEEUUUT.
afhlidh: Make it five: SHIAAAAAATT
Anjz: Make it 6: Fake.
Look at their usernames 02 and 01. BOTH are Redditors for 1 day.
People are so gullible.
mouthwords1128: they probs made throwaways so if anybody found out their real username they still couldn't find out that post was theirs.
Anjz: With the second account made and posted is coincidentally 02?
mouthwords1128: that was probably the first number available. not every thing is a conspiracy.
Anjz: Out of all the redditors you see, how many have a 01 OR a 02? Then take into account that they are both Redditors for one day. What are the chances?
Not everything is a conspiracy, but this one is fake as hell.
mouthwords1128: The chances are pretty high if their both talking about the same event and neither of them want theirs posts traced back to them.
| 13 | 44 | |
1351125920 | 1351139736 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | blackburn1990: TIFU I entered the friend zone(?)
So after 3 years of trying to get with one girl (yes it's sad, but she's worth it) I decided that I'd try to go out with another girl. After about a month of hanging out and flirting, I asked out the second girl.
We've been dating for about two months, and I've talked to the first girl still as if nothing happened. (note, i posted the new relationship status on a social website that BOTH girls had access to and both used on a regular basis. I had assumed that the first girl saw the post and chose to ignore it because i thought i had been friend zoned already).
Then today i was going to tell the first girl about my girlfriend. However, before I was able to, she was fooling around on the social website, looked at my front page and saw the changed relationship status.
Blankly, she shrugged her shoulders, looked at me and said "well, i guess waiting for you to ask me out was the wrong choice. I hope you're happy" and then left the room.
feelingok: Firstly, that's not what the friend zone is.
You say that you've been trying to get with this girl for three years. What do you mean by "try" exactly? If she's really been waiting for you for all that time, and you've been making an effort to get together with her, then why haven't you got together by now?
The way I see it, something is incorrect here - either you haven't really been trying (and she genuinely has been waiting for you), or she's been leading you on for the past three years. If it's the former, then you should rightly feel bad about things. But if it's the latter, then fuck it - you've wasted more than enough time chasing after her, found someone else and that's her problem.
trouphaz: "Maybe if I just hang around her long enough we'll somehow magically be dating."
| 3 | 6 | |
1351141766 | 1351445245 | t3_121ex8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | catcradle5: Why.
CaptainVulva: Some men just want to watch le world burn.
TIFU_Rage_Comics: [Indeed.](http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/184547-some-men-just-want-to-watch-the-world-burn)
Tehok: I like you, but I only like you ironically.
TIFU_Rage_Comics: ...
okay
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1351127146 | 1352060299 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | funkypartyweasel: TIFU: Stood on my best friends 6 month old daughter.Chaos ensued
I was getting ready to go out for a meal with friends and family and needed to use the mirror in my living room. What I didn't realize or see was my God Daughter lying down on a changing mat post-change underneath the mirror. Chaos ensued when I accidentally stood bare foot on the child's stomach, she began screaming in pain, I freaked out and fell backwards and my friend came running back in the room with said dirty diaper to what the commotion was.
Not my finest hour as God Parent.
deeps9999: As a father of four, this just plain stupid on your part and the mother's. I hope the child is ok.
funkypartyweasel: Agreed. I've spent the better part of this week making it up to both of them
ElSuperGreg: So, is she aight?
funkypartyweasel: She's fine now. She doesn't seem hurt and we've been to the doctors recently to check her incase of injury.
ElSuperGreg: Coo. Babies are difficult shit.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1351134036 | 1351156573 | null | t5_2to41 | 144 | AndyD418: TIFU by peeing in the shower...
I tend to multitask in the shower. Obviously I shower but sometimes I pee, brush my teeth, and so on.
TIFU by peeing in the shower while trying to brush my teeth. I guess there was too many things going on at the same time and my toothbrush slipped out of my hand. Not only did it catch some piss mid-stream, but it also landed by the drain as the yellow stuff was passing by. I did not have a spare toothbrush so I was left with no other option but to pick it up, rise it with hot water and hope for the best as I continued brushing my teeth.
I gargled with the purple Listerine for what seemed like an hour, but in my head, I can taste it. Fuck!
trouphaz: > I did not have a spare toothbrush so I was left with no other option but to pick it up, rise it with hot water and hope for the best as I continued brushing my teeth.
no, you were clearly left with another option. **SKIP BRUSHING YOUR TEETH WITH PISS!** hell, it is just fucking gross to brush your teeth with a toothbrush you dropped on the shower floor. there is so much nasty shit down there it isn't funny. but mildew and piss? fucking squirt the toothpaste on your finger and rub your teeth or just skip it and pick up a toothbrush during the day.
atc_like_a_boss: Nobody will say what needed to be said better then this...well done.
Just_Quit_Smokin: You know that pee being sterile, its not that big a deal... But still eeeew
RoyGaucho: Urine is sterile until it hits your urinary tract. So urine is not really sterile.
Just_Quit_Smokin: Ok ok my bad
| 6 | 24 | |
1351142588 | 1355598772 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By listening to my parents.
So I'm 14 I admit it. I was doing my homework, procrastinating a little but then I finished my homework. The next day it gets a D. I'm like meh but my parents are "Stop playing games and review." And I'm like okay and I tell my parents that I have a science quiz tomorrow and that I was going to review anyways. So their like okay. Next day. I have my science quiz and I come home. My brother is P.O'd and screams WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US YOU HAD A SCIENCE QUIZ? And I said "Well... I told dad" He calls dad over and dad says "Uhh.. no you didn't you said you had a french quiz on friday..." Mom says the same to. And now I'm banned from all my electronic devices for 3 months. Mmm good ol' parental advice never ceases to amaze me...
Satafly: You are a stupid fuck. I don't like you, or your face.
Nice troll though...I guess.
kyperion: What?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1351145250 | 1354887883 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,628 | stuck_at_starbucks: TIFU and put my bare ass on my manager's face. (NSFW)
In my club, the bar is connected to the stage so you can walk around the bar and collect tips. There's a handrail six feet over the bar so you have something to hold onto while you're up there. I figured out pretty quick that the handrail will easily support my 110 pounds, so I was ass naked doing some spiderman shit up there to get attention from the customers. Well, part of the bar flips upwards so the bartender can get in. Guess which part of the bar I was dangling over.
Well, my manager was looking down at a clipboard and didn't notice me up there. I was focused on not falling to my death and didn't notice him down there. Naturally, I decide to swing on down right while he was passing under me. Wham, my ass and ahem, "lady parts" swung directly into his face and he got a nice taste of booty. I panicked and let go of the handrail and fell right on top of him; he panicked because there was a vagina in his face and wasn't ready to catch me so we both went down.
The whole club almost died laughing and people threw a total of about $200 at us, so at least some good came of it.
Surprisingly, I'm not fired.
Tl;dr: While working at a strip club I swung down from where I was hanging just in time to land on the manager.
[deleted]: Sounded so fucking weird until you said you were a stripper.
Harhan: Until "Lady Parts" was mentioned, I though OP was a Man. A Grown Man doing naked Spiderman shit in a Local bar that they happen to work at.
Godlesskittens: what grown man weighs 110lbs....
Harhan: I'm male and Weigh 115lbs.
I didn't really put to much thought into weight.
ratchet1106: You're either under 5'5 or under 18 or both.
Harhan: I am 18 and am 5'9.
I've just been Severely underweight most of my life.
turtlekitty30: Lift weights and eat more. You're going to college - no girl wants to date a guy that is skinnier than her - makes her feel like a heifer.
HeyLookATaco: Not true!! Some women love skinny guys. When I was OPs age I liked 'em lanky.
| 9 | 180.888889 | |
1351150615 | 1351153782 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | 13l00dyHell: TIFU by having skype sex and bleeding all over the big finale.
So basically i'm an idiot. My boyfriend and I are on long distance but I will be seeing him in less than 2 weeks after 4 months of not seeing him. Well in all the time we have been together (Almost 2 years and i've known him for 5) he's never been really into skype sex. Well the other night he watched me and all was good. Well today I was feeling slightly horny again and figured what the hell ;) and I even got him to start doing it too! I was pretty excited because this was a first for us! I got him to come out of his shell so to speak. And I even came out of my shell and talked dirty and everything haha. Well go figure my period which is technically over decides right at the finish when I orgasm to say "hey buddy just because i'm not flowing like niagra falls doesn't mean i'm finished up here" and I pull out my fingers and see they are covered in blood. I think to myself "OHFUCKSHITWHYMEGODWHATTHEHELLHAVEIDONETOYOU".
My boyfriend i'm pretty sure noticed because I heard a chuckle on the cam and i told him there was a "little blood but it was mostly just wetness" and he told me "it's fine babe" and we "kissed goonight".
See when we first were together he was never into full on frontal shots of ladyparts or showing his dick because he said it can ruin the surprise/anticipation. But when I brought that up to him tonight he said that things can change so I was just so excited that we were finally having a sexy moment *together* not just him watching me. And then Mother Nature decides to say hey...fuck you. God i'm just mortified. Sorry for the ramble but i had no idea where to put this but I had to share my humiliation.
**Edited to add:** We are both 23. We are long distance at the moment because he is in the Marines. Just felt I should clarify ha.
**Second Edit:**
I talked to him last night and said I was sorry about what happened. He said "what happened?" and I responded with "well didn't you see the blood" to which he replied "oh please like i've never seen that before don't worry about it you're fine".
So I mass panicked for nothing lol But i still from now on plan to do a test run first before I ever cam sex like that again. -_- oye.
DracoExpolire: Shit happens. Happened with my Skype friend and me before.
13l00dyHell: I just feel really stupid is all lol. Because last night it was so sexy and everything know what i mean? With him watching me and all that and this time I was like....man I want to recreate that feeling and maybe even go a little further. Further being showing my entire body in front of the camera and not just coyly playing with myself offscreen.
I just hope I didn't kill his boner and he still was able to get off before going to sleep instead of chuckling at his girlfriends humiliation -_- I was just gonna bring it up tomorrow and tell him that it really truly wasn't as much blood as it appeared. It was really only on my fingers and wasn't gushing or anything but I can just imagine it being a bit of a shock is all. Like one minute everything is sexy and cool and suddenly....bloody fingers?? o.O
I think today I learned that the next time I want to skype sex either A. Don't do it spread Eagle or B. Do it only when you know your cycle is 100% over by doing some test ones first.
DracoExpolire: My advice as a person in experience with this...as weird as that sounds...
Go for B.
Also, I'll be honest to say that blood is a huge turnoff for many men.
Do not tell him that it wasn't bleeding too much or whatever else.
You just tell him this: "Sorry about last night." Then move onto a new topic.
Wait couple days or so until you do it again.
If he jokes around, it's a good sign, but make sure he isn't intending to hurt you emotionally.
13l00dyHell: Thanks :) I mean knowing my boyfriend i truly don't think it was too huge of a deal for him. I mean he has told me he has had sex with a girl on her period before it was like at the end when there was really no flow so if there was any blood it was more than likely minimal enough to not really make a difference. I've noticed since he's been in the military though the more open he's kind of become to certain things...hence the actually jacking off on cam thing whereas even a 8 months ago he never would've done that. (i think being sexually deprived for months at a time does that to some people lol makes you take what you can get) I even once asked him if he'd ever have sex with me on my period and he said it really wouldn't bother him but he knew it would bother me. So i'm like 99% certain he wasn't entirely grossed out by it but just for my own peace of mind because I tend to overanalyze everything I just feel like i can't pretend it didn't happen and just apologize about it lol.
DracoExpolire: Sounds good.
I cannot have sex on period, fuck.
One of the partners always bleeds even though she's not on her period. Cannot fucking get off...
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1351198589 | 1351486152 | null | t5_2to41 | 228 | kcc1133: TIFU and probably ruined some girl's day
This happened a few days ago, but I just found this sub-reddit today and figured I would share it.
Anyway, I'm in college, and Monday is my hell day, where I have 4 classes in a row, starting at 9:30 and stretching until 3. I had a history midterm in my last class of the day, so after I couldn't focus in my first two classes, I figured it would be best for me to skip my third class, take a quick nap and try to wake before the midterm.
I was walking back to my dorm with my friend, and we were arguing about Arsenal's away kit, which I hate and he loves. As we walked up to the door of the building, I said very loudly "Its so fucking depressing! Dark purple and black stripes! Who would like that?" All of a sudden my friend just had an Oh-My-God look on his face, and gestured back with his head. I turned around and noticed a girl who had just walked out of the building, wearing a purple and black striped sweater. I didn't see her face, but there was no way she couldn't have heard me. Needless to say I felt really bad and embarrassed.
Captain_Hammertoe: "Hell day?" 9:30 to 3?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You college kids are hilarious.
guriido_: My college is 8:30 to 4:30, is that a little better?
[deleted]: 8:00 - 6:30.
Engineering: Not even once.
EDIT: Not really a pissing contest, I don't think I'm the only busy student...
DougFunky: 9:30 am-10 pm on Monday, 9:30-9 on Wednesday.
Music Major. What's sleep? I need to practice.
LieutenantKaiya: Same here. 9am-8pm on monday, but its ALL back to back with about 1 hour in between. The life a Music Major, under appreciated.
bmward105: On Fridays, I go from 11 to 11:50... Fml....
VAGINA_PLUNGER: At least you kinda get to sleep in
bmward105: Oh I'm sorry let me rephrase that. Class from 11 am to 11:50 am.
| 9 | 25.333333 | |
1351199436 | 1352902340 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | gagagregory: TIFU by discovering r/todayifuckedup
Killed my entire afternoon...
FappingAsYouReadThis: I don't know, man, some of the shit on here is pretty entertaining. Plus, when *you* inevitably fuck up, you'll have a place where you can vent and have people make you feel better. That's pretty cool, right?
gagagregory: I totally agree, the only reason I said I fucked up was because I wasted my entire afternoon...
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1351210959 | 1351359976 | null | t5_2to41 | 160 | [deleted]: TIFU by trapping a herd of animals in my back yard
There are many deer in my neighborhood. The other day I was talking to my neighbor who said he never saw them. The next morning just before 5 a.m I went into the back yard to take a piss and saw a few deer. The backyard is fenced and gated with 6 foot fences plus natural hazards like it is sloping uphill and has jagged rock walls that make it harder to jump. So I went out and close the gates and then go out to my front yard. A short while later I hear deer walking on my side deck. I start to get nervous because there are windows there and my wife is sleeping a foot away from the windows. Then after alot of clatter one jumps the 3 foot rail and crashes down 6 feet into a big shrub into the front yard. Then another one does it. Those two don't leave but just hang out waiting for their friends even though I try to chase them away. So I run around and open one gate but the rest of them in the back are in no hurry. So there I am before most of the world is awake herding wild animals around in the dark. Good times.
CaptainHilders: Deer are fucking awesome.
DukeSpraynard: ... to eat.
CaptainHilders: .. with.
dishiee: ... asparagus?
omgitsjonnn: ... soup?
| 6 | 26.666667 | |
1351210946 | 1351345112 | null | t5_2to41 | 190 | [deleted]: TIFU by shifting into reverse while going 40mph downhill
Also: TIL that new transmissions are expensive.
twohandedhandshake: went for 4th gear and went to reverse instead?
[deleted]: Yup.
PinkyShin08: Not to sound like a dick, but how does one get R mixed up with 4? In all possible layouts of gears I've seen, R and 4 are far apart?
theonlymillsy: Not when they're right next to each other. 4th in the middle of the bottom row, reverse at the right-hand end of the bottom row.
BeerPowered: Still difficult to screw up like that. All the cars I drive are like that and I've never been even close to that. Also I use a little force while shifting, so even if I some day do that, i'll just hear a grind and release the shifter.
OP must have been really tired and sleepy to do that.
WinterCharm: Regardless of the reason, it's definitely a fuckup. :( and an expensive one at that. :(
BeerPowered: Yup. I spotted my father falling asleep behind the wheel and shifting into reverse simultaneously. Just a slight grind and vibration on the shifter woke him up and I took the wheel. Too dangerous.
| 8 | 23.75 | |
1351213281 | 1351477840 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | feelsbadfred: TIFU and maybe overdrafted someone's bank account
So today, I made a booboo. A friend called me up and asked me to bring her something to eat at work. I stopped by, she gave me her debit card and her subway card and said to use the points on her card for a free sub, and I could get myself something small while I was there. I think sure, I can do that. I got her everything she asked and I bought myself a 6". I told her about it when I got back, and she said that that probably overdrafted her bank account and she's really pissed off now.
Basically, I'm looking at worst case here. Could she take me to court? I told her I'm more than willing to pay her back for overdrafting her account and whatever else I need to do to make it right, I'm just trying to find out what the worst case for me here is. She said she's already overdrafted her account a few times in a row and now she is dead-set on the idea that the bank will close her account and she won't be able to pay her bills - I think that's stepping a little too far, but I'm not sure about that. My fear is that she'll want to take me to court for all of this and I'm really freaking the fuck out right now about that.
And yes, I feel like shit. Although I think I'm more worried about the threat of court and my parents finding out about this more than anything else. I've lost friends before for wronging people without thinking about it, and I can put on my big boy pants and accept the consequences, but that's my main concern. Yes, I understand that I'm an idiot. It's just how I am.
bbrossard: Unless the possible overdraft fee isn't paid back in a timely manner, the bank will not close her account. Banks love to charge overdraft fees - you can overdraft your account every day of the week and the bank won't care as long as the fees get paid.
In my opinion, a 6" sandwich is a pretty small item at Subway. What did she mean by "small" - one cookie?
You shouldn't feel too bad about this. If her checking account is that close to zero, she needs to be more careful with spending and be more specific to you in the amount of money you were to spend (or get herself lunch and do the spending herself).
WinterCharm: Pro tip:
TAKE THE BANK TO SMALL CLAIMS COURT IF THE OVERDRAFT FEE IS MORE THAN THE AMOUNT YOU OVERDRAFTED BY.
Scenarios:
1. you take them to small claims court (no lawyer necessary), they show up. Judge orders them to reduce fees.
2. They decide that paying a lawyer will not be worth the overdraft, and will waive it for you.
3. They don't show up to court, thinking you're bluffing. Judge issues a court order for them to waive the fee.
For a $4 sub, If the overdraft is more than a reasonable $4... Bend the bank over, and fuck it.
LiteratiTempo: 4$ my ass I think the regular overdraft fee for my bank is $25.00 doesn't matter if you're over 500.00 or 50 cents.
WinterCharm: Yeah. So take it to small claims.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1351215697 | 1351247369 | null | t5_2to41 | 66 | bored-guy: TIFU by snorting scotch up my nose.
I was enjoying a nice scotch, browsing reddit, when I stumbled upon [this link](http://i.imgur.com/SwPAY.jpg), titled "The elusive domesticated silverback gorilla," or something to that effect.
I made an involuntary snort of a laugh, whilst holding a portion of the whisky in my mouth. Whisky in my sinuses. Burns like all Hell.
TIFU by browsing reddit while savouring scotch.
trouphaz: I've never seen that picture. To me, it is totally worth your pain just for you to create this thread and make me aware of that photo. You get an upvote.
bored-guy: I upvoted this, but obviously others are downvoting. It's been a few hours now, and I seem to have recovered, and thus have regained my sense of humour. Glad to be of service.
| 3 | 22 | |
1351226957 | 1351631739 | null | t5_2to41 | 208 | AyaneForever: TIFU by misinterpreting a customer's groceries
I should give a little backstory. I'm a cashier at a grocery store, and I was on the clock during Homecoming weekend. Most of the people coming through the line was carrying typical after homecoming party food, like pizza, cheetos, and generally unhealthy snack food and mini sub platters. That kind of thing. As I'm finishing up this woman's order, she had two giant snack platters at the bottom of her cart; you know the ones with little subs and cheeses and such. Figuring she was the mother of someone going to homecoming, I jokingly ask her, "So you guys having a big party tonight??" She then got glassy eyed and proceeded to tell me her mother recently passed and the food was for the funeral. Never in my life have I felt like a bigger douche. No amount of profuse apology will ever bring her back to my line.
TL;DR: Never assume snack platters are for a party, they might be for a funeral.
spicyramyun: You should celebrate a person's life not dwell on the end of it.
Cyc68: When someone close to you dies celebrating is a long way from your mind.
doomgiver98: That depends on your culture.
Cyc68: Trust me, although different cultures express it differently, what everyone feels when someone close to them dies is grief. It's not a fun time.
doomgiver98: They celebrate your memory.
Cyc68: I'm sorry, I feel we are talking on two different wavelengths. Are you seriously arguing that people from other cultures do not feel grief and are generally incapable of the full range of human emotions?
doomgiver98: No. Read in context please.
Cyc68: I am. That's why what you're saying is coming across hugely racist. Could you explain or give some examples of cultures that don't express or feel grief other than referring to the mass of humanity as "they"?
doomgiver98: I said they treat it differently. Where did I say they don't feel or express grief? You're making stuff up to make me sound racist. I never disagreed with you except for now.
Cyc68: No, that's what *I* said:
>although different cultures express it differently, what everyone feels when someone close to them dies is grief.
What you replied was:
> They celebrate your memory.
Again it is a little offensive to continually refer to the rest of humanity who aren't part of your little demographic as "they" all the time. Can you give any examples of cultures who don't feel grief?
And the point I am trying to make for you is no one has to make things up to make you sound racist. You're doing that on your own. I'm just trying to find out if you are actually racist or just careless.
doomgiver98: Seriously, I have no idea what you're thinking about. Since when does "They celebrate your memory" translate into "No, they don't feel grief"?
It's not offensive to refer to other people as "they" unless you are trying too hard to not be racist.
I was thinking about [Ireland](http://www.funeralwise.com/customs/irishwake) when I made my original statement. If you don't want to read the whole thing then go to "Mourning and Merrymaking" to get my point.
Cyc68: Funny you should pick that one as I am Irish. I have been at a traditional wake and can certainly assure you that it is about grief and not about having a party. And even with that an old school wake is a very rare event these days.
It was never an event for real celebration and barely exists any more. Your example doesn't really hold up.
doomgiver98: Says one Irish person against many.
Cyc68: So you think all the Irish people at a funeral are having fun? Have you ever been to a wake? Or a funeral? Can you point out some of these many people who disagree with me?
doomgiver98: Why don't you understand English? I said "They celebrate your memory". It's not the same thing as "They're partying because you're dead". Or are you just trolling?
Cyc68: I said
>When someone close to you dies celebrating is a long way from your mind.
Your reply
>That depends on your culture.
What that means is that some cultures don't feel grief and do feel like celebrating when their loved ones die. When I pushed you for a specific example you gave my own culture, which you then implied you and "many" others know better than me. You've also implied that I'm "trying too hard to not be racist" which in turn implies there's a level of racism that you're comfortable with. And then you ask if if I'm trolling. Priceless.
doomgiver98: It does not mean that some cultures don't feel grief. It means that some express it differently.
I seriously doubt you've met every Irish person, while I've met a few, I like to talk about other people's culture, and one of the famous parts of Irish culture is the way they act when someone close to them dies.
If you don't see race you're ignorant. It's not the 90s. Black people are okay with black jokes. Jews are okay with Jewish jokes. Asian people are okay with Asian jokes. The only people who aren't are white people who think they're being white knights and saving everyone else.
Cyc68: So, is that what you consider a balanced scale? On the one hand I grew up in Ireland and have lived here most of my life but I, admittedly, have not met every Irish person. So, by your standards, I have no justification to offer an opinion on Irish cultural institutions. On the other hand you have met a "few" Irish people so every nuance of the culture is much more clearly open to you than to me.
As for wakes being a part of Irish culture I repeat they are an old practice that rarely if ever happens any more. Even the 40 year old article you linked to refers to them as something that happened "until modern times" in the very first line. It then refers to them in the past tense for the whole article.
And for your claim that you just meant that some cultures express grief in a different way I did say that. I even quoted it again when you claimed it had been you that said it. I felt that I had made it clear that although it may seem like a celebration the over riding emotion would be grief. Your reply: "They celebrate your memory." No mention of grief. No mention of anything other than celebration.
doomgiver98: I didn't mention grief because I wasn't disagreeing. When I said "cultures view death differently", it wasn't completely clear so I understand the misunderstanding there, but then I clarified by saying "they celebrate your memory".
Cyc68: This all started with:
>Trust me, although different cultures express it differently, what everyone feels when someone close to them dies is grief. It's not a fun time.
Your reply:
>They celebrate your memory.
If you weren't disagreeing what exactly were you trying to say?
doomgiver98: I was suggesting one of the way that different cultures might express their feelings of someone's death.
Cyc68: Well I feel you did so rather poorly. And although there is a vanishingly rare practice of wakes in Ireland, they are not the celebratory events you seem to think they are. They are so rare nowadays that even the 1973 book cited them described them as a pre-modern practice.
doomgiver98: Alright it's quite possible that it doesn't happen anymore.
| 24 | 8.666667 | |
1351201591 | 1358956635 | null | t5_2to41 | 133 | worriedaboutroommate: TIFUpdate 2: I almost kissed my roommate
[Oh, hey, it's me](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11zrdc/tifupdate_i_almost_kissed_my_roommate/)
The short story is we fucked. It was pretty awesome.
The long story is I came home from work, and she was reading on the couch. I walked over to her, gave her a kiss, and sat down. She obviously wanted to talk, which made me nervous, but we started to talk about our relationship. She was worried about my intentions. Basically it came down to she wanted to make sure we wanted the same things. I told her I wasn't interested in anything casual, that I was in it for the long haul, and that I didn't take our relationship lightly. She smiled, relieved. She said she wanted to make we were sure we had the same idea of our relationship before we went any further, that getting physical was a serious deal for her, and I told her I felt the same way.
So then we went upstairs and had sex. Mushy, romantic boyfriend-girlfriend sex.
Moral of the story: Just kiss her.
MC43: (Starts slow clap)
KingRiesterer: (Continues slow clap)
Sasquatch5: (Speeds up slow clap)
Soybean111: (Stops clapping)
pinball_wizard85: stands up (starts clapping again)
[deleted]: Stops slow clap, starts slow fap
SuperNinKenDo: Applauds slow fap profusely. Cheering you on to climax.
[deleted]: Farts
| 9 | 14.777778 | |
1351213409 | 1363502570 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | karKitten: TIFU and broke a friendship
we met here on reddit and over time we've become more close than any irl friendship I've ever known.
I have my own issues, my dad died in service and my mom is a recovering alcoholic, and the only girlfriend I ever had dipped out on us over stupid reasons. I'm also from a certain marginalized group which I wont disclose but anyway I don't trust people. Anyone.
My friend almost died a month ago and we don't talk about it. While she was in the hospital I texted her every minute of every day for a week even though they were unanswered. I started to think the message I got that said she was alright was a lie. I started to think about what would my future hold without her and it tore me apart. That grief became a scar when she finally did come out of it.
Since then I've felt that scar as fear and, though I love her more than I can put in words, I haven't been letting myself realize these feelings. So where's the fuck up?
Today that sweet and beautiful girl told me she found the perfect present for me and I told her not to get it. It's happened a few times before but this time when she complained that it isn't fair that I sent her a gift (back in August before everything) and she can't get me one. I told her that it's not fair that I fall in love with someone I can never be with. So I fucked up because she's been in love with me the whole time and I refuse to believe her. We had a fight, I clearly hurt her deeply with what I said.
Half_left: Talk to HER not us about this!!!!!!!! If she's a good friend like you say she'll understand and will want to help you. You WILL server the friendship if you don't talk to her, Don't let that happen.
karKitten: I tried dude, I sent her pages of texts and they were read confirmed but she doesn't want to talk to me and she unfriended me from facebook which I know sounds like not a big deal but it's something that means a lot more to us.
So I kinda flipped out, it's been a couple days not and I regret it but I dropped my facebook and shut down my blog and that seems so childish now but I was angry and hurt. I am 17 by the way so I don't have much to draw on here in the way of life experience.
The more I think about it calmly I know it's not about the present at all, it's about my abandonment issues. Being this close to someone scares me, especially when it's someone who has a history of being hurt and hurting herself.
Half_left: Give her time, the worst thing you can do is keep trying to contact her, all this will do is come across as needy and may have the opposite effect to what you want. If I was you I'd send her a single text telling her that you understand you have fucked up and that, when she is ready, you would like to talk. When she's ready she will.
I think the bigger issue here is why this has happened, in terms of not trusting people. Obviously you have your reasons, but going through life not trusting anyone is a sure fire way of being lonely. However this turns out, use it as a learning curve, learn to recognise when someone genuinely likes you and be a little more open towards them next time. You're 17, you're young, you WILL meet other people that will like you.
Good luck dude, hope it works out for you
Arson_Catnip: he's not actually seventeen. i'm the mentioned friend and the reason i stopped talking to him is because he's actually a 26-ish year old man who lied about everything.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1351247032 | 1351402246 | null | t5_2to41 | 244 | throwaway9358: TIFU and absolutely flipped shit in front of 30 people.
It was just a bad day today. But I'll skip all that and just tell you about my most humiliating moment and what pushed me to break.
My friend is a big fan of Doctor Who. If I hear that it was a good episode I usually watch it, but I don't consider myself a fan at all. This annoys her for some stupid fucking reason. Anyway, in class, she turned to me and goes "Hey, I'm still in recovery from The Angels take Manhatten." (if you don't watch doctor who it was a sad episode.)
"Oh, I watched that," I mentioned casually. She hesitated, and then stared at me really snidely. She sneered and I felt like shit.
"You can't just watch episodes randomly." She stared at me.
"Yes, I can. I can do what I want." I said. I was gripping my pen pretty hard and tears formed in my eyes. She always gets mad about me and my weird love-hate relationship with Doctor Who. I was just unjustifiably furious about that today.
"Oh my God Crissy..." she said. I think she was really weirded out by the look on my face. I whispered for her to stop talking to me.
A few minutes later I was staring at the paper with tears in my eyes. I don't even know why. I was just so angry and upset about her being all condescending and rude and about other stupid shit that had happened that day.
Our teacher walked over and pretty much asked me if everything was okay. I started to cry.
"Um, are you alright, Crissy?" Oh God he looked so concerned I didn't know what to say.
"My cat died," I said. My cat did not die. I just didn't know how to justify that I was about to have a break down because my friend judged me over Doctor Who.
"Ummm. Sorry... Maybe you should step out..."
And then some guy muttered "she always looks like that."
I stood up. Everyone was staring. "LIKE WHAT, HUH, WHAT DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE YOU CUNT"
I think he regretted what he said immediately. "Uh, I dunno, angry...?"
"I'M SO SORRY THAT I SUFFER FROM CHRONIC BITCH FACE," I screamed out. Ugh... "FROM NOW ON I'LL NEVER FUCKING BE SAD AGAIN, HOW DARE I EXPRESS EMOTION" from here my memory gets kind of blurry.
But I kept on screaming I think. And that may be when I stared to really start crying.
I kinda just gave up. I fell to the ground and just sat there with my hands over my ears screaming and sobbing. I honestly think I had a miniature mental break down. The teacher was trying to calm me down and I simply wasn't having it. I'm in grade ten. THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
Someone must have called the people from up at the school office because they all ran in after a few minutes. We have this really calming teacher, Miss Medinton, and she started patting my back. I wasn't really angry at this stage, I was just crying. They were trying to pick me up and I was clinging to the floor screeching my head off saying to leave me there.
So yeah, they sent me home and told me not to come back to school for a week or so because I needed rest. i've been lying in bed without moving for about six hours now. I seriously don't get what caused this. Probably pent up rage. Err, thank you for reading, if anyone does... I can sense everyone judging me.
Edit: I said 'i' instead of 'they'
StormySan: > I was gripping my pen pretty hard and tears formed in my eyes.
Forgive me for saying so, but it sounds like there are some wider issues that are affecting you. Isolated, this kind of conversation shouldn't bring you to tears.
Is everything alright? Does she realise she's being condescending, and it's just meant as friendly banter, or is it malicious?
TerminalStupidity: >I'm in grade ten
There you go.
VAGINA_PLUNGER: Went through that last year. It was better than grade 9! So don't worry :)
| 4 | 61 | |
1351246588 | 1351361550 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | bobchq: TIFU by stepping on a nest of red army ants.
About an hour ago, I decided to take one of my dogs for a walk. He got so excited that he started sniffing everything around him and marking his territory with his pee.
As I was holding his leash, I felt some intense stinging on my left foot and only then did I realize that I stepped on a well-camouflaged nest of red ants.
Not only did I get a swollen and itchy foot, my dog escaped and happily ran away.
WinterCharm: I was banking on a turn, riding my bike, and banked too hard. I fell and my FACE plowed into a red-ant hill
I ran home screaming and crying. It was a bad day.
bobchq: Oh no!!! How old were you then?
WinterCharm: About 12. Haha :)
bobchq: Aww, that will always be a great story to tell your kids! :)
WinterCharm: "And that, kids, is exactly why you shouldn't go outside to ride your bikes. Instead, there's this great website called reddit..."
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1351256522 | 1351379047 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | Pandumonium1: TIFU by kissing my dream girl
Name says it all, I took a chance after we'd cuddled and it felt right. She said the opposite. Things had been going so great. I feel like shit now. I don't think it would have bothered me so much if I hadn't turned down the last girl for this one. I hope I can find the silver lining because I think I really fucked up a good friendship. I was so proud about the kiss but I didn't let her on about it. Relationships are difficult for me after my last girlfriend. She cheated on me with a man twice her age. Sorry for the unfunny post. Maybe next time I'll listen to the other TIFU posts about this kinda thing.
Edit/Update
After a 3-hour long conversation with her last night I learned a lot more about her and we grew a lot closer. She explained that things are really rough right now and she doesn't think she's emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship with me. She said the kiss was more a wake up call and she figured it would be better to be friends for now than to start dating while she's got a lot going on. I made my thoughts clear on liking her but I didn't get all mushy I guess. In the end we ended up just laughing and talking until 3am. So I'm proud of myself because of the support I have received from my fellow Redditors. I took a leap and I will work forward to make it pay off.
trouphaz: Now, the proper next step is to knock off the damn cuddling and go find yourself another girl. The proper way to deal with the friendzone is to accept that you are just friends and treat the girl as you would any of the other girls you are friends with, but aren't pining over.
* No cuddling
* No paying for her shit unless she is doing the same for you (it's cool to treat each other to stuff, but no way to the normal one-way street of the friendzone).
* If you've got other plans, keep them. Don't be the guy always dropping plans for the chick he doesn't have a shot with.
* Make plans with other people, especially girls.
Pandumonium1: Okay after all, I can only move on right?
trouphaz: Yeah. This is the crucial step that too many redditors miss. For one, they don't ever take that step that you took to go for the kiss. It is good that you did it because you made your intentions clear. The next thing is that they think that they'll "win her over" by being the bestest buddy in the whole world. They cuddle and listen and "be there for them" so much, essentially stop being a man and start being a lap dog or best girlfriend. Don't do it. It never works.
On the other hand, clearly defining the boundaries of your friendship can actually help your relationship grow. She may find that she really liked having all of the intimate stuff with you like cuddling and when realizing that those are things that go along with a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship she may think about it again. At the very least, she should respect you more if she's an adult about it. Don't be a prick though. Be a real friend.
[deleted]: Why would anybody cuddle a friend that they are not romantically involved with? I have never cuddled somebody without there being more to it than friendship.
trouphaz: You know, I think every girl needs to understand that. If a guy is cuddling with you he either a) wants more romantically from you or b) is gay. The only 2 guys I knew that cuddled without taking it further were chronically friendzoned. They'd get to the cuddle stage of a relationship and never knew how to break past that into the romantic stage.
| 6 | 11.5 | |
1351256424 | 1351511716 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | GravyMaster: TIFU by pissing my girlfriends bed. Shit.
So I just got back from my girlfriends dorm room (college freshman). I've been sleeping over there almost every night since we started dating on the 1st of Oct. Everything's been going very well and I really like this girl and we've both stated how badly we want this relationship to last for a good chunk of time. So this morning I wake up feeling surprisingly refreshed. Despite that I went to sleep at nearly 2am and have an 8am class this morning. I felt refreshed.... and damp. At first I thought it was just sweat, I tend to sweat a lot in my sleep. Nope, waaaaaaay too much moisture for that to make any sense. Next I thought it was something that I had knocked off of the windowsill that's at the same level as the bed (we put glasses of water ect. there pretty regularly), but, there was nothing there that could have had this much liquid in it. Finally I did what I didn't want to do and smelled the sheets. Yupp, piss.
But was it my piss? My shorts were pretty wet, but mine and her's pissin'-parts are usually near each other while we sleep. As covertly as I could, I felt her pajama pants in the crotchal area... they were dry. And this is when my mind said "Fuck." I pissed my GF's bed. I haven't pissed the bed in probably 10 or more years. By now she has to know. She has to. There was so much.
So TIFU, Reddit, and I need your help. You guys couldn't really help out with my last fuck up, but this one is different. How in the hell do I approach this problem? Act like nothing happened? Try to say it was something else? Tell her to change her sheets but not say why? Tell the whole truth? I don't know guys, but it's shitty (pissy?) either way. I really like this girl and I don't know what the hell I would do if me pissing her bed ended it. She also said she has a "surprise" for me this weekend, and we haven't done the dirty yet so this would be an awful time for it to end.
I need your help reddit.
P.S. More proof that it was I that did the pissing: I just woke up and I don't have to pee.
EDIT1: Will update again soon. Just sent her a lengthy text apologizing profusely and explaining the whole situation and the reasons that I think it may have happened (weird-ass dream last night and got super amazing sleep). Waiting to see what's next. I'll keep y'all posted.
MadDrMatt: Related anecdote:
Back when I was a freshman in college, I didn't know how to drink responsibly. One night, I got blackout drunk. I woke up in my bed, in my clothes, and I had no memory of how I got there. Through the hammering hangover headache, I gradually realized that my pants and sheets were wet. Fuck, I pissed the bed!
So, I do what anyone else would... wash the clothes, wash the sheets and blankets (twice, just to be sure) and Fabreeze the fuck out of my mattress.
Fast forward to the next week: I run in to my friend. He asks me how I am and if I had recovered from the party. He follows it up with, "Yeah, sorry about pouring that glass of water on your crotch while you were passed out in the hallway!" It turns out they did that as an attempt to get me conscious and on my feet before helping me back to my room.
**TL;DR:** Didn't piss bed! Pretended I did.
JustCallMeLee: You should have tasted it to make sure.
[deleted]: Bear, is that you?
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1351260211 | 1351509032 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | tifu_idiot: TIFU by changing a light bulb
So the light bulb went out in my apartment's living room. It's a ceiling light fixture. I'm a short girl and afraid of heights. So with my legs shaking and my cats bemusedly watching, I whimpered as I stood on my stepladder. The light fixture consists of a large dome and a screw to fasten the dome in place (you know, so that it doesn't fall on anyone's head).
I removed the screw and dome, and my vertigo got worse. I was afraid of dropping the dome. So I held the screw in my mouth as I changed bulbs. I heard a banging sound outside. I was startled as hell. In my state of fear, I swallowed the screw.
I have no idea what to do. I've got a midterm today, but my friend said I should go to the ER. At least the bulb got changed, although the light fixture looks pretty ugly right now without the dome.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: Pretty funny picture in my mind right now. Anyway, the screw is small and I've never seen a sharp fixture screw. It should pass through you without any problems. You also do not have to remove the screws entirely to remove the dome. You just have to unscrew a few enough to get past the ring.
hbomberman: I swallowed a quarter in middle school. There was nothing to do but wait for it to come out. My grandma gave me some oily soup, saying that it would help. A couple days later, there was a quarter in my toilet.
FoxyKG: Did you spend it?
hbomberman: Probably. Also, do a YouTube search for "ass Pennies" it's hilarious
| 5 | 20.6 | |
1351266557 | 1351373897 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,057 | Fioricascastle: TIFU and told my boss I was going to rub one out in the bathroom.
I was at a Marriot for a huge conference with all of the bigwigs in my company as well as peer managers. About 300 people in total. At the tail-end of a 10-minute break I realized I should go pee before we are stuck in conference again for 3 hours. I make towards the bathroom and my boss passes me with a comment like "Don't we start buck up soon?" What I meant to say was "Yeah, I just want to force one out real quick." What I actually said was "Yeah, I just want to rub one out real quick." I entered the bathroom and went into shock mid-stream.
joemama19: Hopefully your boss has a sense of humour and isn't a jerkoff about it.
ws479: If not, OP will feel pretty awkward coming into work tomorrow.
[deleted]: Masturbation.
GoldenGangsta66: Ejaculation.
wanabeswordsman: Vacation, alienation, japanimation, manga, conga, naked lunch, Hawaiian punch, fruit juice IT'S NOT FUNNY.
GoldenGangsta66: Don't be mad honey.
blue1748: Just to be fair that was pretty punny.
GoldenGangsta66: You're welcome for the entertainment, now wheres my money?
blue1748: Boobs
| 10 | 105.7 | |
1351271051 | 1351589321 | null | t5_2to41 | 147 | firesquasher: TIFU by yelling "nein nein nein!" while unknowingly transporting a holocaust survivor in my ambulance.
So yeah, I'm driving my ambulance as emt's normally do on the way to the hospital. Our patient, an already aggravated old man was being brought to the hospital for passing out at his assisted living facility. We have to document our mileage on the ambulance both at starting and finish for billing purposes. Well damn right the ending mileage at the hospital was xx999. Being a good child of the internet I am my immediate reaction to yell back to my partner was "NEIN NEIN NEIN!" With that he comes up and gives me the oh shit eyes and quietly explains our patient is a holocaust survivor, tattoo on wrist and all. The uncooperative patient was just as aggravated when we got to the hospital and didnt seem like he wanted anything to do with us.
TL:DR Im a dick, and I should have known better.
huntingwhale: I don't see what is wrong with this, or how you fucked up. He might be a holocaust survivor, but the fact is that people speak German all the time. Should the German language be outlawed? What if you and your partner were both actually german and were conversing in german? I dont think you fucked up at all.
[deleted]: I agree. Besides, the actual Hitler quote from Downfall has him saying "nein" five times, not three. I know this from memory because I, too, am a child of the internet.
OhHowDroll: I think he was quoting Inglourious Basterds, not Downfall.
[deleted]: Five neins in that one.
| 5 | 29.4 | |
1351304882 | 1351437954 | null | t5_2to41 | 375 | Frylok1177: TIFU by crushing my boss with a car.
I work for an automotive repair shop and while bringing in a car knowing that it had no brake pedal at all because of a rusted brake line I was using the E brake to drive it in.Theres a little bump on the lifts at work so I gave the car a little bit of gas just to cripple it over the bump and when the cars front tires went over the bump I pressed the E brake harder to stop. WELL the cable SNAPPED and the car kept going forward with my boss in front of the car. She saw the car and before it was to late she got crushed in between the car and a tool box. Her pelvis is broken in 3 places and she will be out of work for 5+ months.
milphey: Well done. You crushed the only woman running an auto shop... Ever
pinball_wizard85: Feminists everywhere will be shouting foul play now!
ThorFF: Good thing this is the mens club subreddit of all of Reddit
pinball_wizard85: I am waiting for feminist hate. A lot of those gals have no sense of humour.
scix: >A lot of those gals have no sense of humour.
No, NOW we can wait for feminist hate.
47h315m: Yeah. This is supposed to be a humerous subreddit so my comment will probably be out of place, but honestly, I've never met a crazy feminist that wanted to chop my balls off for being a dude. They're really not bad. I guess im the only male redditor that feels like that though.
pinball_wizard85: I was being sarcastic, but I proved my point well.
[deleted]: I'm not sure which is more distorted, your perception of feminists or the fact that you think you can rationally prove you point by being downvoted.
pinball_wizard85: I think the modern feminist movement is very backwards. Segregation does not promote integration.
| 10 | 37.5 | |
1351305453 | 1352905110 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | WinterCharm: FUCKUP FRIDAYS - Tell Reddit about your worst culinary disasters!
Fuckup Fridays were something I proposed to the mods, and they liked it.
So, for tonight, tell me about your worst culinary disasters. This could be related to cooking, serving, eating, or anything else that has to do with food.
I once set a Cookie on fire. I had baked some cookies the day before, and when I tried to eat them the next morning they were harder than rocks.
What makes cookies softer? Oh right. Warm cookies were soft last night, right?
Okay. Great. So I decide to microwave a cookie and through some terribly bad luck, set the microwave for way longer than it should have been.
I went back to the TV and started watching myth busters. A few minutes later, I smell burning and run back into the kitchen. My microwave is still going and the inside is filled with white smoke. Stupidly, I open the door and the cookie caught fire, and the smoke spread everywhere.
I spent 30 minutes getting the fire alarms to shut up and then another few hours getting the awful smell out of my kitchen.
bmward105: I decided I would expand my culinary boundaries. I made a saffron rice soup from scratch and when when I put the saffron in it said like 3 threads for the whole pot. [mfw](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_96tU5irCS8w/TTRbZ6FjssI/AAAAAAAACAw/S6Fzlw4bA0U/s1600/yeah%2Bright.jpg). So I put about $30 worth of saffron in te pot. By the time it was ready, it was mucus deep yellow and smelled like an Indian's dirty diaper. I forced myself to eat a bowl but ended throwing away almost half of it. It was a $60 pot of soup that I couldn't even eat.
sheepy7: saffron rice is fucking delicious when made correctly
bmward105: I know. I learned never to doubt my culinary superiors. Less is more. And saffron is expensive as fuck.
sheepy7: Lol, I made the same mistake. I usually just take a pinch. Most expensive spice in the world.
bmward105: But a potent spice it is. A thread is enough to flavor almost an entire pint!
bmward105: It's also a flower penis
YourAchievement: The best things cum from a penis.
bmward105: Saffron I want you on my face... No on my back... WAIT............... In my rice....
YourAchievement: Hahahaha :)
| 10 | 5.5 | |
1351310026 | 1351631770 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU my chances of passing calculus.
Last night I had plenty of time to study for my calculus exam but I blew it off knowing that we'd go over the review in my study group today in the hours leading up to the test. I wasn't nearly prepared enough for the test and ended up only finishing half of the problems. I made a B on the first exam, but I bombed the second one and can't do much better than a 50% on this one. I'll have to make impossibly good grades on the remaining exams in order to pass, and it's too late to drop the class. The worst part of all of this is I know how hard the class is and how badly I need to do well in all my classes because of how desperately I want to transfer to a better university, but I can't motivate myself to put in the hours to actually make that a reality. I feel like a total fuck-up.
tlann: Work as hard as you can whether or not you can pass. Do this by removing all distractions and isolating yourself from your friends that distract you. If you don't pass, you will definitely be in a better position to pass when you retake the class.
[deleted]: That's the plan! I just made integrals my bitch.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1351347678 | 1351481709 | null | t5_2to41 | 410 | Dentonhere: TIFU by getting blind drunk.
first post to reddit, but it seems appropriate.
so today i got offered to go to a party with a girl ive been texting for a few weeks, we've met a couple of times before just as friends but god knows how i managed to get her to agree to body shots before this party.
we ended up getting there before her and her sister, so i decided to have a few drinks before she got there.
I woke up this morning blood all over my face, jam rolly Polly all down my chest and seven beer caps in my pocket and half a bottle of the tequila in bed with me.
I may of got so drunk that seven hours of my life dissipated, but i can put the puzzle together enough to know nothing happened between me and her.
now i know why i stopped drinking tequila years ago.
update:text her, no reply.
FOREVER ALONE.
Update2:she replies.
she says she took me home as i live only five mins from where the party is and tested me to see if i would try anything.
she said she would of ended everything then and there if i did as she doesn't want to seem easy and all that stuff.
seems blind drunk me managed to refrain from anything as she is happy with me.
result!
update 3: She's a virgin, so she doesnt want some bloke who uses and abuses.
test me away all you want!
SamTheSammich: >tested me
Honestly, fuck that noise.
xblindguardianx: was she playing those [Love games](http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080907201524/youtube/images/b/b6/Old_Gregg.jpg)
oldgreg88: Love games?
scarekrow91: Are you playing them?
oldgreg88: Are you playing with me?
schwebz: Im ol' Greeeg!
[deleted]: Bailey's from a shoe?
| 8 | 51.25 | |
1351397117 | 1351555113 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | Bellicose_Engineer: TIFU By Utilizing Violence to Solve Problem.
My now ex-gf drug me along to a halloweekend rave and I got elected to be designated by her friends. All of my friends went to a party in a different city.
So at the end of the night (early, a fire alarm got pulled) It came time to round everyone up and get them back to their apartments. Everyone was mostly shitfaced less my now ex-gf. Her best friend had some guy grabbing her and she clearly said let go of me. I intervened by letting the guy know she was headed home and we were leaving. The drunken idiot proceeded to hit me in the back of the head as I was escorting her back to my vehicle. I went into defense mode, swept the guys legs, and started pounding his face. One of his piercings cut my finger but I didn't think anything of it until about an hour after I got home and saw it bent slightly in the wrong direction.
Damage toll:
Sliced up finger (no stitches required)
Said finger is fractured and I'm awaiting a disposition on it currently.
Because of the finger injury, I won't be able to do my job effectively and be put on light duty(very bad).
My now ex-gf cut off the relationship because her "friends are
intimidated by me and I seem like I am violent."
My now ex-gf has a huge fucking mouth and now everyone in our department at university is going to think I'm a violent goon.
Oh and here's the photo I took before going to the hospital for y'all:
http://i.imgur.com/ZbuhO.jpg
It doesn't hurt bad at all, just a really major annoyance.
To summarize: I fucked up by helping my girlfriends best friend out of a nasty spot and defending myself. Moral: Don't help a goddamn person, regardless of the circumstances.
MiniCooperUSB: Violence is never the answer, but you helped a girl not get raped. Your ex-gf and her friends seem like the kind of people I wouldn't want to deal with if they are going to freak out after you help one of them. The guy assaulted you anyways, not like you deliberately started a fight.
doomgiver98: What was the answer in this situation?
MiniCooperUSB: There is never a good answer in this kind of situation. If the OP had let the girl get hurt or raped that night he would never have been able to forgive himself. He picked one of the best options he had available. The best solution would be to ignore the guy and hope he backs down or call the police, but then that might cause other issues like MIPs if there was anyone under 21 at said party. The best solution would probably be to tell the guy to back the fuck off, and if he doesn't call the cops.
doomgiver98: Assuming the drunk guy listens and gives OP time to call the cops.
MiniCooperUSB: The point of calling the cops isn't to get the asshole arrested, it's to get him to back the fuck off the girl without getting violent.
doomgiver98: How is that in any way a relevant reply to my comment?
MiniCooperUSB: I misunderstood what you were trying to say, my apologies.
doomgiver98: Cool beans.
| 9 | 5.777778 | |
1351404875 | 1351541325 | null | t5_2to41 | 475 | edge_of_glory: TIFU by putting Germ X in my already fucked up ears.
I have been suffering from hard wax buildup for the last 2 weeks. I finally get to the doctor Friday and she says use warm water and peroxide a few times a day to get rid of it. So I do it, but I keep getting water trapped in my ear that wont come out. So I ask if anybody knows a way to get water out of ears. My friend says alcohol. Just my luck that I don't have any but I do have Germ X. I talk to my friend about it and she thinks it is okay. I then proceeded to put fuckton of **GERM X** in my ear. Nothing prepared me for this shit. **IT BURNED LIKE SATAN TOOK A FUCKING RAZOR TO MY EAR SLICED IT, RUBBED IT WITH LEMON & SALT AND PROCEEDED TO FUCK IT WITH HIS FIERY BLAZING DICK OF FIRE**. It did not helo ears were swollen and kind of raw already. TIFU really bad now I am sitting here looking like a dumb ass.
TL;DR: I let Satan ear fuck me with out buying me dinner first
Edit: Obligatory I made it to the front page blah blah. I just wanna thank satan for ear fucking me and my lack of the different types of alcohol.
TokeyMcGee: Lol. Oh wow.
Look into this for ear cleaning. I had the same problem. There will still be some water stuck in your ear but after about a week or two everything flushes out and your hearing will be wonderful. Plus that water should be gone.
http://www.debrox.com/
It comes with a little water bell suction thingy.... Not sure what to call it, but yeah. worth a look.
DkryptX: Syringe, ear douche, squeezy bottle? Anyways I'm gonna have to try that stuff, its a pita trying to get to an ENT to get it cleaned out.
yuki1986: Don't let stoners near your ears. Just a heads up. (If you don't get it, r/trees)
edge_of_glory: link me up scotty(yuki)
yuki1986: No link, just personal experience. Takes forever. Also it's hard to stop giggling.
edge_of_glory: I was asking for the /r/trees link. Giggle on
yuki1986: Oh I am. :D
| 8 | 59.375 | |
1351457678 | 1351691591 | t3_127047 | t5_2to41 | 15 | FarFromXanadu: Keep thinking that.
cunninglinguist96: *downvote
upvote
downvote
upvote
downvote
upvote*
FarFromXanadu: True, in a way you probably didn't intend. It's literally been a roller coaster of people either upvoting him and downvoting me, or the reverse.
Also I like your name. I kind of want your name.
Atlas_1914: >Also I like your name. I kind of want your name.
Welp...that escalated quickly...
| 4 | 3.75 |
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