start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1349529310 | 1349608481 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | Tronberr: TIFU by spilling vomit all over my best friend's floor.
My best friend had his 18th not too long ago and he decided to throw a house party with about 12 people.
We all drank a lot, just about 90% of us were pissed out of our minds, including me. So while we're all having fun there's my friend passed out on his couch with a bucket half full of vomit, me being the drunken twat I am decided to go see how he was doing, he was in a pretty unconscious state.
One friend decides to pass another bucket to him while swapping with the other one, and what did I do? Clip my elbow on the half full bucket. The red and chunky bile spilled all over the carpet which we worked hard on keeping clean all night and his mother decides to walk in from work. I went and cowered in a corner in shame.
Surprisingly, she wasn't as angry as I thought she'd have been.
kitten_muncher: Please tell me the floor was tiled, or something similar and not carpet.
Tronberr: Nope, full on carpet.
kitten_muncher: oh god. The smell that would have lingered for a few days after...
Tronberr: Not to mention the amount of spirits that were spilled all over the floor.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1349566576 | 1349762847 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU And sleep-called my ex, telling her I want to get back together
So I broke up with my insane girlfriend a few weeks ago, and she was trying to get us back together. NO. So I fell asleep a few days ago and in my sleep, called her, and asked her to get back together. She recorded it so I know it happened. FML
[deleted]: Hmmm...
I have sleep texted before but nothing coherent. I replied to a text saying, 'The mosquito. He into the sleep.'
Sleep calling. Yikes.
Why is she insane?
CloveFan: Her favorite porn has to involve EXTREME pain. i.e slitting holes into a girl and shooting in them. You finish the puzzle.
[deleted]: Can I have her number?
Just kidding. Get the hell out of there. It starts with you cutting her then next thing you know she gives you a vice for christmas and a card that says, 'which ball do you like the least?'
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: HMMMN...don't really have a favorite ball...I'm attached to them both equally.
[deleted]: Yeah me too. I love both of your balls.
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1349560757 | 1349628245 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU: I gave my friend my username on asianfanfics.com
The name of the website is rather self-explainitory, but there's a lot of content that is rather.. [this](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/83630/1/no-money-kyuhyun-kyuwon-siwon-superjunior-wonkyu-yaoi) - not to mention I'm subscribed to a lot of related fics.
I don't know what was going through my brain when I decided to ask my friend if she's ever heard of AFF (So yes I brought this all on myself..) ..Anyways it turned out she has, we kept talking about it but I never specified **specifically** what exactly I usually read, we only talked about what our favorite OTPs were and about story posters. I then without thinking about what the fuck could happen, I wrote down my username so that we could friend eachother. Came home from class; accepted her friend request, we later talked on facebook and that was when all the real shit went down. She didn't say anything that was judgemental, but the embarrassment is still there. I couldn't even breath when she asked me "what type of smut is your favorite to read", I didn't know what to answer because there were questions running through my mind like, *how did she know, does she know* so like the little chicken I am I just told her that I was 'busy' and left.
Now thinking about it I had made another bad choice by doing that; I could have continued the conversation and maybe she might have read rated things too, but now there is no way I can ever bring up this topic again - I don't know if she's grossed out or if this would ruin our friendship.. I just feel like I really fucked up and I can't do shit about it. I just hope she doesn't tell anybody else. I don't know what is going to happen if other people know too. ;_;
TL;DR: My friend now knows I read gay fanfiction.
unstableparticle: So what is wrong reading gay fan fiction? It could be an enlightening experience for some and may be even used to break the mental barriers for some. You could always claim to read them as food for thought or to expand your views on the subject if you feel really embarrassed but I think it is time that people should be embraced as what they are instead of being forced to fit into society standards.
It was also quite foolish of you to not to continue the conversation about this topic which could have revealed her opinion towards the subject more clearly but since she asked about it directly, I doubt she is grossed out. It is highly probable that you are thinking that your next meeting will be very awkward but it won't be unless you make it awkward. My advice would be to continue your regular friendship and hope for the best. Who knows, maybe she could recommend some gems you've missed.
Dean999111: Totally agree with this except possible implications of OP adopting this sentiment:
> ...but I think it is time that people should be embraced as what they are instead of being forced to fit into society standards.
I agree but depending on what the opinions are of the people OP lives around, including the laws and stuff, it could be dangerous to take information of this nature about yourself lightly. If that sort of thing isn't much of a problem, then; OP: I would strike up a conversation about it. You said 'busy' so you could just say 'ok back now' or something then continue talking about it like you don't think it's a big deal (idk how practical this is now considering you posted 18 hours ago from when I post this though). I don't think there's enough information contained in 'what kind of smut is your favourite to read' to tell what she thinks of it, but if before she has said stuff like she dislikes homosexuality you could be a bit more clued up on what she really meant when she asked. Like at least one other person has said on here, it might only be awkward next time you meet if it's allowed to become awkward/allowed to become a big deal.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1349580862 | 1349750014 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU by marching barefoot in freezing water
I'm in a high school marching band. Today, we were preparing for our first marching contest. It was 7:30 in the morning, it had rained the previous night, and it was about 50 degrees outside. We went out to the football field to practice for the contest, and as I got there, I had realized I had forgotten my marching shoes. Our director was coming out onto the field, so, in the panic I was in, I decided I had no choice but to take my shoes and socks off and go barefoot. I walked onto the field, and there was about an inch of incredibly cold water all across the field. Almost instantly, I felt a certain numbness in my feet, but I kept on. Everyone was either amused or horrified by my decision.
I did this for 20 minutes. I could not feel my feet at all after a while. When I couldn't stand it any more, I asked my director if I could just wear my non-suitable shoes. He was angry at my forgetfulness, but when he saw my multi-colored feet, he felt pity for me and let me wear them.
It's 10:30 at night right now, and no, I don't have frostbite or hypothermia. The only thing that came out of this experience is that I look like a bamf in front of my friends.
tl;dr: Forgot to bring suitable marching shoes to marching practice, had to march barefoot in ice water for 20 minutes, couldn't feel my feet, nearly had an encounter with frostbite.
Contest was fun though.
aesthe: Props, and double up vote for marching competition. Winning one of ours was one of my proudest HS memories.
AustinTheGeek: We ended up getting a first division rating, along with best percussion and best mellophone solo.
aesthe: Niiice! Congrats! What type of show are you guys running? Our big winner was a riverdance show, complete with a jig and a didgeridoo solo :-p.
AustinTheGeek: We're doing a biohazard theme, with, as said before, a mellophone solo, and a trombone solo performed by me. What's weird is we actually have no drum major this year, which i'm assuming passed us a few points.
As for your show, I've never heard of a didgeridoo even being used in a marching band. Really unique. How long did it take for the soloist to learn to play it?
CXDXOXP: You get a trombone solo?
lucky...
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1349591667 | 1349647481 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Xodium: TIFU by trying to sync my music library before drinking my coffee.
I'm sure others will think that this is *nothing*, but for me, it was particularly devastating.
I'm usually good about keeping my most valuable chunk of data (the music library in question) synced across multiple devices: I have a copy always saving to Google Music, I have a library on my phone, and I have one on my external as well. In this case, however, I only had one copy at this point in time, because my parents were using my external, and I had JUST gotten a new phone, and some of the new stuff was still making it's way into Google Music.
Anyway, so I bought a memory card for my phone, and went to Starbucks so I could sync it all to a nice Frappucino. I had my phone's SD card up in one window, and decided I would drag all the files from iTunes into the Music folder on the SD card. So I did. Then I realized that doing that in such a fashion copies only the files, not the folder structures, over to the SD card.
So, in autopilot fashion, I bring up the Music folder, Command-A (Select all), Command-Backspace (Move to trash). Then I go over, and empty trash. I attempt to bring the files over again, but what's this? There's NOTHING in my music folder. Hm. iTunes begins flipping out that it doesn't know where the music is.
Cue panic.
I check my phone's SD card, and what was able to copy was still there. It then hit me what I did. I deleted the *wrong music folder*.
Cue relief when I realized I still had a copy up in Google Music. So I hit that up, and download some music to put on my phone in the interim. Only one thing...it sounded very funny. Getting back home, I confirm that while Google Music says it's downloading my music library in the bitrate I sent it up in...it sounds like it's been converted down to 128k MP3. (which sounds like ass.)
Cue panic, again.
So now, I can either rebuild my library from the ground up (no easy feat, since this thing has 10 years of history behind it), or live with heavily compressed music that damn near hurts my head to listen to.
**tl;dr: In my pre-caffeinated state, I accidentally deleted the wrong music folder, thinking it was my phone's music folder. 10 years of music and 1,500 songs lost. I feel stupid.**
Walican132: Well I mean, since that is all music you legally acquired there is no probelm at all right, just re rip your physical copies and re download from Amazon music/itunes/google and you will be fine.
Wait...
You're a pirate aren't you? Otherwise I'm confused how this could be an issue.
Xodium: Some of it was from sources that no longer exist. Obscure video game soundtracks, music that my friends made, etc.
I do buy music, thank you very much.
Walican132: Well I'm happy you won't have lost to much, really sucks about the music your friends made though.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1349594334 | 1349620242 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: Last night I fucked up at a birthday party.
Yesterday, I was invited to a friend's birthday party. It was in the evening at her house, and there was alcohol. I carpooled with some other friends that were invited and we were already kind of late. I took some cranberry vodka, and it affected me pretty bad, since I ate very little all day, but I was doing fine. Then I took a shot of vodka, and that's when it all went bad. I went downstairs with some people at the party (the bday girl lives in a building) to smoke (I'm not a smoker usually) and then we went to buy some smokes, and came back. Overall we were out of the apartment for 10 minutes maximum (I was tipsy). The bday girl came downstairs crying, mad at us for leaving the party. I felt pretty bad as I was trying to apoligize and explain and she told me "Don't talk to me, especially you!" It was sucky. As we were going back up, I broke the sandal **that my mom lended me**. I humiliated myself in front of people I didn't know, and after all the efforts I did that day not to eat, stuffed myself to absorb the liquor. And the sucky part was, it was only absorbed after I left pretty **early.**And now I am apoligizing to the bday girl, feeling like shit. People are judging me right now, I think. Fuck.I am a bad friend.
**tl;dr Was at a birthday party, humiliated myself because I drank without eating, broke my mom's expensive sandals, made the bithday girl cry, and hate me, stuffed myself with shitty food to absorb the alcohol AND didn't even have fun**
tartfacepowers: You left for a little bit and came back. Your friend is overly sensitive and needs to not be so self absorbed. Why does it matter if your not at her party for 10 min?
swordmaster006: This is what I'm thinking. The only rationale is that OP probably left without telling anyone and the birthday girl thought they were ditching her party and got upset.
Bitchfromtheblock: No, she knew, that we went out to smoke >< I feel so stupid for apparently humiliating myself. I hope people's judgements aren't that harsh.
trouphaz: Uh, so it sounds like you didn't F up at all and your friend needs to relax. Just tell her, "You know where we were going and that we were coming right back. Grow up and knock it off."
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1349608231 | 1349695936 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,395 | sebast91: TIFU: I possibly molested my roommate.
Technically yesterday, but I just woke up and he's not here anymore, so anyways here's the gist of how the fuck I ended up doing this.
It started out as one of those simple rather small parties where we invited some friends over - not much only 5 not that this matters but anyways it was a bit of a hang out I should actually call it. At first there wasn't any drinking, we were all just sitting and talking while watching tv, but then a couple of them brought up that they brought some beer over and asked us we wanted to "loosen up" - and of course I was thinking something like, fuck it it's a Saturday, why not and so as it got later I ended up consuming maybe 5 or 6 cans? I can't remember now but I was really fucking drunk last night. Now from this point on, I can only remember bits and pieces but I remember enough to feel really bad. So everybody had already gone home, leaving me and him of course and this is where the major part of my fuck up started. He had gone into his room to lay down and being the fucking drunk I was still I walked in after him. I said possibly molested because, at that time I felt like he wasn't resisting when we stripped and I started doing things and he didn't do anything when I started palming his dick either - but I also might have been too fucking drunk to know either way. I know more happened after that but I don't want to go into detail anymore.
So as I've said; I just woke up about two hours ago in his bed but he isn't here anymore, I called him many times and when I texted him "where are you" he answered "getting breakfast", and I asked him if I did anything last night but he only answered with "we need more orange juice do you want pulp or no". His answer is just so regular I just don't know. I just feel like shit right now and I don't think I'm a homosexual, I really just don't know what to do. I want to believe that I just have some really realistic and fucked up dream but that wouldn't explain why the fuck I woke up in his room naked. It's already been over two hours since he's been/gone to wherever he's getting breakfast, I don't know what to reply to his text with and what to do when he gets back home. I just hope some of you have any advice for bad situations like this because I really can't think of what to do.
thetoethumb: Holy shit it took me ages to realise you were both guys.
apocalipto9: the whole time i was trying to find proof a girl was writing it.
latot: I thought that getting really drunk at 6 cans was proof it was a girl....
SheiraTiireine: Hey, I'm a girl, and had to laugh at the idea that someone can even get "really fucking drunk" after 6 cans.
latot: Never said girls can't hold their drink - GENERALLY speaking though, girls can't hold as much as guys - it's scientific fact
The_Blackening: Citation needed when you use that phrase.
latot: [It's down to body size, metabolism and caloric intake. There are several publications with evidence. Knock yourself out.](http://www.lmgtfy.com/?q=scientific+evidence+that+males+can+consume+more+alcohol+than+females)
Qxzkjp: The onus is not on others to Google the veracity of statements that you made but were too fucking lazy to link to a citation for.
[deleted]: Jesus Christ this is a pretentious as fuck comment.
He has no responsibility to prove his facts to the internet. If someone wants to figure out whether he's telling the truth or not, they can do some research. This isn't a scientific forum.
Qxzkjp: If you state something is a scientific fact, you damn sure better be able to back it up. I fail to see the pretensiousness in that.
Juwafi: It's a fairly well known fact, though. I don't think it should be expected for someone to source a fact like that.
latot: That's exactly why I didn't cite it- it's one of those things. Like its fact that oranges are good for Vitamin C (and no I will not cite this either!)
mr_jiffy: LIES ALL LIES!!!
| 14 | 99.642857 | |
1349613341 | 1349634448 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | nogswarth: TIFU by severely crashing my moped for the second time in exactly a year.
Sit on my knee, r/tifu. It's story time. Actually get off, my knee is in searing agony right now! D:
Last October, I fell off my moped in the rain not concentrating and most likely singing Neutral Milk Hotel at the top of my lungs inside my helmet. I landed on my back in the opposite lane, and a car ran over my right humerus, clean breaking it in half. [PIC OR GTFO](http://i.imgur.com/KBbxz.jpg). I spent four months off work and learning to live my life left-handed, and it took a further couple of months after that to finally regain the confidence needed to get back on the bike and start riding again (something I'm told is not easy for many people to do at all). It was gruelling in every sense of the word, but I eventually got back to how things were before, and now exactly one year later I'm more confident than ever before, and life is relatively sweet.
Now, at the end of this month I'm moving away from the small town I've occupied my entire life and into a house with my best friend in London. It's the fresh start I desperately need, but it isn't without its share of stressful hardships, one of which is selling my moped to pay the deposit on my new house (and also because fuck driving in London) but also keeping it for as long as I can before I move as it's my only method of commuting to my current job every day. Tricky.
With the imminence of my situation at the forefront of my mind, needing to keep the bike in good repair and seeing my job through until I leave (not to mention the fact that I broke my fucking arm in a similar act of stupidity a year ago) you'd think I would be a little more cautious when driving late at night in the pouring rain on the way to my job which is barely keeping me financially stable, but no. Somehow I managed to take a corner much too wide at about 45mph. The back end of the bike whipped round and launched me about 15ft through the air, and I landed with a sickening thud in the middle of the road. My head was the first thing to hit the concrete, swiftly followed by my unprotected knees, and my left arm which was folded across my chest.
I'll cut the results short to serve as a TL;DR here: I'm now whacked out on painkillers with my left arm in a sling due to minor muscle damage that has temporarily sapped all the strength from the entire limb, my right knee is swollen like a cricket ball (same colour too) and hurts so bad that I physically can't kneel at all, and my moped is chained up in the middle of nowhere, with a fair whack of cosmetic damage up the one side, a locked back brake and possible engine faults. Lest we forget I have a month to sell it.
The only things I have to be thankful for right now are what I'm calling the Three Cs: Crash helmets, codeine and cannabis.
JustLetMeComment: How the fuck do you get to 45mph on something with less than 50cc of piston to its name?
nogswarth: Because mopeds are also available with 125cc engines, that's how the fuck.
JustLetMeComment: That explains it. I was kinda messing up moped and scooter, I think. 45 must be pretty close to top speed, then? Or was this a two stroke?
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1349624355 | 1349635253 | null | t5_2to41 | 39 | Narwalsbacon: TIFU By yawning
Okay, the deal is that I'm trying to get a new job because my old manager is a fucking asshat. So, after literally hours on job websites I find the ideal job. It's really close to my home, it seems like something I'd like to do and it's great. I try to give them my résumé. They are asking to meet me in person! Fuck yeah, I might have just gotten a job.
The day before the interview, I have a lot of trouble sleeping. I usually do, but now I was restless until 2 o'clock. Fuck. I got about four hours of sleep, and I am yawning all over the place.
I get in my car, drive to the company and ask to see The person who asked to see me. They let me in, I shake his hand and feel the urge to yawn. Now the guy decides to shake my hand really long and I can't hold it back. I yawn with my mouth semi open, and shit happens. I apparently yawned in such a way that my saliva glands just exploded on his face. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. The guy looked pissed, and I apologized at least 20 times. I feel super guilty. I don't think I got the job.
JustLetMeComment: Well, for next time, try something like touching your tongue to the top of your mouth. It stops sneezes.
[deleted]: This usually works for yawning too. Just the other day, my store manager comes over to me and says "time for your annual review!" and I'm like alright and I get the urge to yawn. Did this, and was able to stop it. He starts laughing and says "were you about to yawn?" Laughing, I was like "maybe". It was cool, he's a cool guy. But not every manager would feel that way.
| 3 | 13 | |
1349632453 | 1350082224 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU: By taking the elevator to the highest floor in the resort im staying at, going to the balcony and spitting down.
As my spit travels down way slower than I expected it someone, sticks their head out and it hits the back of his head. I instantly pulled my head back so he wouldn't see me but I was very embarrassed. Sucks to be that guy, it was a pretty big drop.
CatrionaBarr1: bro that was the worlds worst fuck up if it landed on someone....be glad it did not.
K3fka: Uh...did you read his post? It did hit someone.
CatrionaBarr1: ohh ;) sorry i thought i did not.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1349637650 | 1349639753 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | chasethenoise: TIFU: I peed and vomited in the back of my friend's car then broke my house door down because I couldn't work the key.
It probably had something to do with the handle of whiskey I'd been working on. A few friends from work and I were heading downtown to check out a few bars and to save money, I brought along a bottle of Crown Royal so we'd already feel good when we got there. Well, it seems the ride was longer than I'd anticipated and we finished the bottle before we even arrived, and I was completely blacked out. That's when the vomit started flying, purple shit and spaghetti everywhere. I started yelling, screaming, and trying to get out of the car in the middle of traffic. I guess I had to pee and was looking for somewhere to go. When they wouldn't let me out, I unzipped my pants, whipped it out, and peed all over the back seat.
By now the night was ruined, so my buddies just took me home and dropped me off, but I was too drunk to stick the key in the door to get in. So I called my sister, who was out with her friends, to come help me get inside. That's when I saw that my girlfriend had been texting me and calling me all night and she was freaking out, so I tried to text her but all I could manage to write is "baby this isnt whats happning right slihg whatodhff notg hslhggshjc." So then I called her, but that was a bad idea. I was mad because I couldn't get in, and I transferred my anger over to her, screaming "YOU'RE NOT MY GIRLFRIEND, FUCK YOU, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU BITCH!!" She said she's never heard anyone yell at her like that, except maybe her dad. I kept yelling for a while, while she cried, and I eventually hung up on her.
I went around to the back door to see if I could get in that way, but it was locked too. This made me even more frustrated and I ripped the sliding screen door right out. I guess my sister finally got there and let me in because I woke up in my own bed this morning. My belt, the bottle, and miscellaneous items from my pockets were strewn throughout the yard. But the worst part, the *worst part* was the texts I woke up to from my girlfriend:
Her: Don't you call me at all tomorrow.
Her: I can't believe you you're a monster.
Her: I'm crying so much right now
Her: You are so drunk right now I can't believe you just go away.
Her: Goodnight.
xiPlayWithCrayons: Damn, how did things work out in the aftermath?
chasethenoise: I wish Hallmark made "Sorry I got drunk and ruined your night" cards. I've been making calls all morning to apologize to everyone. Turns out the guy who was driving wasn't too angry, I offered to clean it up or pay for new upholstery but he said it was fine. My girlfriend isn't talking to me today. I'm not drinking again for at least a year. I never wanted to put her through anything like that.
xiPlayWithCrayons: That's rough, hope everything turns out okay.
chasethenoise: thanks man
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1349633566 | 1349658331 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | Zerorion: TIFU and downloaded a shit ton of malware onto my computer.
So, I woke up this morning to the fresh smell of trying to download Black Mesa onto my computer. I heard a lot of praise about it from r/gaming, so I decided to give it a try.
I went to their website, and clicked on the friggin' huge "DOWNLOAD" button, skipped some steps, clicked "install". It works for everything else, so why not this?
Three seconds later, I go into a cold sweat. I go back to the website, and realize the "DOWNLOAD" button was just a picture on an ad.
I quickly opened up my antivirus software and ran a scan, 9 detected items. Removed them, scanned again. 5 detected items. Looks like I have some gateway viruses on my compter. Yay. Thank you, snap.do
=
Dean999111: That sucks. I might have done the same if I wasn't expecting such a website to have ads and didn't have adblocker.
Do you know why their website has bad adverts like that on it?
Zerorion: I have no clue! don't worry though, after a quick DIY my computer is clean. Go malwarebytes!
[deleted]: Malwarebytes is awesome. Just in case try and run TDS Killer or some other software that scans for rootkits, You can find this software for free on kasperkys website
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1349646485 | 1349713374 | null | t5_2to41 | 269 | sebast91: TIFUpdate: So I talked to me roommate about what we did.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1130tf/tifu_i_possibly_molested_my_roommate/
It feels like its been a long day but I'll just state now that everything went a lot better than I had expected.
I didn't reply to his text but he did get pulp so that was good thing number one. After I helped him put all the stuff in the fridge we started to talk. I asked him again if I did anything last night and he explained. It turned out that I remember less than I thought. I had calmed down partially from the shock of the morning but sitting next to just felt crazy when he first came home but at that time he didn't act like he was grossed out or anything. Back to what happened, it turned out he only had two beers but he didn't feel to good so he stopped after those two, I know I said I had 5 or six but he recalled that I had at least ten. He then told me that after going in to lay down he saw me walk in after him and then partially collapse on his bed. At this point he said he didn't want to explain anymore but he explained anyway. This whole part was really embarrassing but I think it must have been worse for him to explain how he wasn't really drunk but he let me do all the things I did to him anyways. But the most important part of our conversation was him coming out to me. I know this sounds really dumb of me to be surprised at the time because it's a bit of *of course he's a homosexual why the fuck else would he let you have sex with him?* but I've known him for so long that I never noticed the little things like how he's skinny in that I don't know delicate? way? This sounds like shit but I can't think of how else to explain everything. I guess I'll just go back to my conversation with him. He looked like shit after he told me and I felt even more bad but I didn't want him to be sad either. What I told him next wasn't out of pity though because as I told him that I'm not a homosexual but I think I only like you in that way I felt I had a bit of a realization. He's always been one of the people I cared about and we've always been really close so I guess something was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm really bad at explaining things but I hope writing this will help others later on if they ever end up in a situation like this. I feel like I should put more but I don't know.
[deleted]: So are you gay or not? I am a little confused.
Masribrah: Has anyone fapped to nonstop gay porn for a month to make sure they didn't like it?
Just to make sure you weren't gay and that you didn't enjoy it.
I decided to watch gay porn for about a month. Every day at least 2 times, and I would force myself to fap to it. After ejaculation I would ask myself a series of questions about whether or not I liked it and analyze my feelings afterward.
There was one point where I almost liked it, but in the end I think that was just because the guy looked really feminine. After that month I started watching regular porn and lesbian porn but I wasn't very moved by it in my spirit. I studied some charts and diagrams and made some questions on yahoo answers looking for the answer to satisfy my needs.
Now I bang gazelles on a regular basis.
[deleted]: >regular porn
Who's to say what's regular?
Walican132: Missionary position with two consenting adults, though to get this footage one must be willing to climb trees and stick cameras in windows.
levirax: >consenting opposite sexed adults
Other than that you are good.
Walican132: Damn you're more normal Than I am
levirax: haha, As it stands heterosexual is the norm still, so thatll be the most normal...though i do kinda want a survey of like a list of most frequent pairings and positions to see where everything kinda falls together...Doubt itll be done, but its interesting thinking what positions are the 2nd, 3rd, 4th favorite/most used...
| 8 | 33.625 | |
1349647178 | 1350023267 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | ilikepineapples: TIFU by relapsing while on probation.
More like, I went to my first party in 7 months and went all out. Praying I don't get a surprise UA anytime soon. Anyone know how long Molly stays in your system??
tyjohns324: Molly is usually within the week. 3-7 days is usual for me at 160lb and 6,1 height.
aesthe: A close source passed next day by dilution; make sure to take some vitamins and the proper creatinine to keep the gravity up. Worst case scenario it gets flagged for a retest. Just don't pop a bladder overloading. And remember to void the first few that morning before you go.
ilikepineapples: The effects of the drug lasted till about 7am on Saturday, and I passed my test on Monday at 4pm. Good to go! Thanks!
aesthe: Glad to hear it. Care to tell us if you did any studying to prepare? More data is the most useful thing other people in your situation can have access to!
ilikepineapples: I didn't do any studying really. Just learned that MDMA will leave the body between 1-5 days, faster, if you use it less. LSD is typically not tested for in the standard, nor extended drug tests. Cannabis will leave between 1-3 for a single use, or up to 30 if you're a habitual user. But being a woman and having more fat cells than a man, these numbers could potentially be higher for me.
Source: Erowid. <VERY awesome place.
aesthe: Mmm, meant studying as a euphemism for prep for your drug "test". Picked that one up on Erowid :-p.
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1349649312 | 1349689098 | null | t5_2to41 | 550 | Fr4t: TIFU by ejaculating all over the place
So I was on vacation for a week and simply had no (private) time to release some pressure. Horny me couldn't wait for the girlfriend to show up so I decided to go on a date with rosey palms and her five sisters.
So as I was about to finish, well... I was prepared for a bigger load than usual. But man did I underestimate my balls' dilligence (maybe it was the healthy food I ate all week). What came after I finished can only be described as a sperm-fountain. I exploded propably a metre high and jetting cum everywhere. The chair was dripping, cum on the desk on all of my clothes and the carpet.
My reaction was between excited and aphasic.
Twenty minutes later the girlfriend arrives and sees me naked on the floor (clothes in the washer) trying to mop up the jizz (I hadn't even started with the desk...). So here it is. My fuckup.
AndTheHawk: Wait. This is really physically possible??
Satafly: are you kidding? Fuck yea it's physically possible.
If I wait a week without masturbation I tend to get a drop or two on the ceiling. I am young though, I imagine this will decrease with age.
[deleted]: I regularly shoot past my face and onto my wall.
I've also shot across my bedroom once. Just to see if I could.
Satafly: Once mine arc-ed over me and smacked me on the forehead...
Fr4t: I feel you people. I once slightly missed my own mouth... but I'm kinda glad I did.
beefjerkmebaby: It almost sounds as though you were aiming for your mouth. ಠ_ಠ
Fr4t: I can assure you that I was not.
EDIT: Never look into the barrel of your own gun.
beefjerkmebaby: Didn't think so, I couldn't imagine the horror of such an event.
| 9 | 61.111111 | |
1349648680 | 1349740972 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | stln00b: TIFU by asking my date if she wanted to watch 50/50.
Her last relationship was with a man to whom she was engaged and has a child with. He died of cancer 6 months ago.
Edit: For clarification, yes I knew he died of cancer, I just didn't think before I blurted out the suggestion.
Judge_Hate: How did you fuck up? Was he involved with 50/50?
stln00b: The main character has a rare form of cancer and is given a 50/50 chance to survive.
Judge_Hate: Ah we'll still. I see no fuck up.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1349658765 | 1349719170 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking my mom when my dad was going to die so that I could get the money I'm supposed to inherit and he heard me say it.
First of all, I feel like the biggest asshole ever for saying it. I was in a really bad mood when I said it.
Second, my dad is supposed to leave me a good amount of money when he passes away. My dad, while he can be a good man, has always been hard on me. I haven't lived my life the way he's wanted me to live it and no matter what I do, I can never make him happy. He's always seen me as a failure and has never told me he's proud of me. My dad has been very successful with his career and I'm a pathetic loser who works retail and only went to a community college. So, tonight he was on to me again about how much of a fuck up I am and asked me, "When are you going to act your fucking age?". I had enough and I walked out the door and headed to my car. My mom followed me outside. I turned to her and in the middle of my rage and frustration I asked her, "When is he going to die so I can get my money?" I failed to notice that he had also come outside and he heard it. Every single word. There was no misinterpreting what I had said. And I feel like an asshole for it.
**TL,DR:**
In the middle of my rage, I asked my mom when my dad is going to die so that I can inherit the money he's supposed to leave me in his will and he heard it. I'm an asshole.
BlackPresident: My dad died when I was 13 and I was going through an awful phase where I was being a real jerk to everyone especially him.
He died suddenly and without warning from heart attack while playing tennis with one of his friends and the last thing I did as I saw him for the last time was brush off his goodbye hug as I was more interested in playing croc 2.
I still regret to this day how I acted on his last and would do anything to go back and change his final memories of me to someone more grateful of his love.
Maybe in his final days and through this experience your father will realize what kind of effect he has on your life and you will see each other in a different light.
My advice, clear up anything that bothers you while you can as you will never get another chance.
Darkwonder80: Holy shit Mr. President... Have some internet hugs!
| 3 | 8 | |
1349655044 | 1349827033 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by missing my chance to dance with the girl of my dreams
So a little background first: I'm in high school, and i am in junior ROTC. I'm on primary staff and we have to get a dance partner to dance with us in front of the whole (150) battalion.
Last week, the S5 (in charge of the military ball) gave us 10 days to find a partner. I planned on asking the girl i have a HUGE crush on (we're friends, she's in JROTC too) to be my dance partner (we would be practicing pretty much every monday, it would of been wonderful), but the first couple of times i had the chance, i chickened out. Tuesday-Thursday I was sick, and on Friday (the deadline) I finally work up the nerve to ask her, only to find out someone else on primary staff asked her the day before.
Now here is the kicker; I was not really sick Thursday, I just didn't want to go to school. I know the other guy asked her 8th period, and I would've asked her right before that, and she would've most likely said yes.
This weekend has been filled with self loathing and playing games to try and block it out of my mind.
Ghost17088: "The trouble with falling in love with a dream girl; They have a habit of becoming real.”
bearjew540: To true man. Way to true.
| 3 | 8 | |
1349662947 | 1350291714 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | SeymourU: TIFU By Pooping at Starbucks
So today was like any other Sunday, I just wanted to go down to the coffee shop and hammer out some work and take a test with my lady accompanying me. So I'm slamming back iced coffee and cranking out some homeworks. So before the test starts I thought that a little smoke break would be good. So we're sitting outside just talking when it hits me. Fuckfuckfuck, all this coffee and smoke is having its affect on me. Better hit the can. So I go and hop into the bathroom and start defecating. It's coming out a bit slow but I eventually decide that it's time to wipe. So I reach for some toilet paper but the role ends quickly. And guess what, it was the last roll. Fuck I'm not done I thought. So my instinct is to reach for the paper towels. Nope. It's starbucks, they don't waste paper, only hand dryers. So now you probably think it can't get any worse. Poop wave round two starts again in full force. Geeze, what the fuck am I to do now? Some asshole keeps trying the door every two minutes while I'm having a mini crisis. So now it's time for one of my last options. The trash can. I have to delve into a mystery container and grasp for whatever can help me. I find some toilet paper paper, the stuff it comes wrapped in but alas. It isn't enough. It's a doozy down there. Then I have to dive in again for another toilet paper paper but it's partially wet so it's only half good. One more reach down and I pull out a tiny roll of toilet paper. Who the fuck throws that away? But it's my gold mine and I use it up all the way but alas the entire mess has yet to be vanquished. At this point I've exceeded the time it takes any normal person to poo so I have to cut my losses and get the fuck out of there. I wash the fuck out of my hands and get out of that room. On my way back out I grabbed a handfull of paper towels and jammed them in my sweater so I could nonchalantly go back later and finish the job. And that's what I did. And I still have the skid marks to prove it.
montewelch: Why did you use 2nd hand towels instead of the new, unused paper towels?
Nevertheless, sounds like a quite the shitquake!
SeymourU: No paper towels in the restroom except for in the bin. Believe me, I would have.
montewelch: Did you feel good after releasing that horrific being from your bowels?
Lathirex: You know nothing of horrific beings from the bowels of man. Try not shitting for 8 days. The next shit you take is the size of a fucking lamp and takes literally 40 minutes to push out. You have to force it down the toilet when flushing because of the sheer size of it.
montewelch: Did you give it a name?
Lathirex: The Mothershit.
| 7 | 8.428571 | |
1349669782 | 1349706785 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | alison14: TIFU
So I went to a football party and our team ended up losing, I used this as an excuse to get super drunk. I started taking shots of vodka and before I knew it, I was completely wasted. At this time I start to text a guy that I knew from facebook, but never actually met him. We decide to go to this party that this guy is at and see what they were all doing. We get to the party and I completely black out, but apparently I told this guy that I barely knew that he was "so hot" and that "I wanted to fuck him" which I didn't but my drunk self thought so. I then proceeded to run into a wall and embarrass the shit out of myself. And now he and his friends are tweeting about he almost got raped and how really drunk girls are super trashy. I never want to drink again.
Darkstrategy: I'll preface this by saying that it kind of sucks that a plastered girl generally receives less positive attention than a plastered dude in their antics.
That being said, I don't think people that hammered of any persuasion should get any positive attention. People that get that drunk are almost always overbearing, annoying, and expect the people around them to take care of them.
Maybe you shouldn't drink again, it doesn't seem like you're very responsible with it.
asnof: Women are seen as attention whores, because typically they dont add anything besides pointless shit to get you to look at her. Guys act funny and try to do stupid stuff for a laugh
My source may be biased though
Darkstrategy: Honestly those are two flavors of the same thing.
Doing stupid stuff and trying to be funny are just another way to get people to pay attention to you.
asnof: The difference is that if 1 person laughs its productive
Darkstrategy: So by that logic if one person gets turned on by the drunk chick it's mission success?
If 1 person laughs and 9 are pissed off or annoyed, I don't consider that productive. Especially considering making a drunk guy laugh isn't too difficult normally.
One of my friends got too drunk and started breaking stuff in my friend who was hosting the party's basement. Some people laughed. The host didn't find it too productive I don't think.
asnof: Well.....my point is moot
| 7 | 3.142857 | |
1349704212 | 1349706133 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | Stoned_Turtles: TIFU by hanging out with my friends instead of getting it in.
I have a friend who is a girl(not my girlfriend) on the street next to me that rides my bus. So, last friday her friend come over and stays all weekend. They had told me they wanted to hang out and I had just met her friend and she was hinting towards a blowjob. I couldn't do anything friday because i had to work. I went fishing and swimming on saturday and then went to work. Went to work on sunday then took a nap. We were waiting for the bus this morning and aparently they had went to my house several times looking for me and had been trying to find me all weekend. I had been thinking of going to her house all weekend to see if they wanted to hang out. I am not a smart man.
ChrissyKat: Hey think of it this way, you might've just saved yourself from a lifetime of genital herpes.
Stoned_Turtles: Yes but induced a lifetime of gay jokes from my friends.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1349713550 | 1349751567 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: TIFU by making fun of the house keeper thinking she was my sister and it gets worse...
So this lady knocks on the door and says "house keeping" almost exactly like the woman from family guy. Thinking it was my sister I repeat loudly without opening the door, "house keeping?" in the same tone. She says yes, so I say "I come in? I come in anyway". Then after opening the door I see its actually the house keeping lady. I do my best to wipe the grin off my face. She says we are supposed to be checked out already. Me being an asshole thought she was trying to rip me off and I "remembered" seeing the checkout being at 12. I tell her she was wrong and I saw the book time say checkout was at noon, and she didn't contradict me. Thinking I was a smart ass I asked her, "wanna see it in the book?". To which she says yes. I open the book right to the page point at it and say "see, oh hmmm yeah i was wrong, you were right...i got confused" . She didn't say anything and i said we will pack up and leave asap. Then she says ok bye have a nice trip, to which I reply in the loudest most friendly tone "thank you, *you too*". TIL: IM A MORON
erutuFniatpaC: I hate it when i accidentally say *you too* to someone (happens frequently when ordering food)
jbtk: I usually catch myself saying it after I order food at a movie theater. They'll say "Enjoy your movie", and I'll say "You too", when really, they have to work while I'm watching one.
Wendys_frys: Ah don't worry they just think your an ass for saying "you too" when they have to work through it.
| 4 | 24 | |
1349714573 | 1349801720 | null | t5_2to41 | 757 | toolongreaditall: TIFU by making horribly inappropriate eye contact...with my cat.
So, the door in my room has a gap of an inch or two where it doesn't reach the floor on the bottom. The cat likes to paw down there and generally try to claw her way into my room. This is fine and usually pretty funny, except for today under the circumstances. I was enjoying some "gentleman's alone time" at my computer desk and I had just finished, and while sitting there, I happen to hear a meow at the door and make the HUGE mistake of looking. There is the cat, her face shoved into the gap as far as it can be, and she is just looking at me. Straight into my eyes. For like, three full seconds, while I still have my man parts in my hand. I think something has fundamentally changed in our relationship.
PiggyBankofDespair: This is not a fuck-up. A fuck up is when you're 14 years old, you lock yourself in your room with your cat who likes icy hot, and you slather icy hot all over your balls to get it to lick them. You step up thinking "Oh man, this is gonna be good," but then the analgesic effect of the cream kicks in and suddenly agony. It didn't even feel like anything to begin with, so there was never any point to anything leading up to the fiery death being inflicted on the most sensitive part of your body. After the failed sexual experiment, you realize what you've nearly done and you feel sick to your stomach. You want to wash it off of you, but they don't make water hot enough to cleanse your soul. Every time you see your cat afterwards there's this nauseating thought in the back of your mind - "I tried to masturbate with that."
THAT is a fuck up.
Melforprezzz: ... Wut
[deleted]: wat
jacqueofalltrades: .
TheAwesomeJonesy: Could you possibly put less effort into making a comment?
LuckWillows: Because wut and wat before him were so much more groundbreaking. Hell, at least he used a fundamentally different-sounding single syllable comment.
Quixotically: To be fair though, the point still stands.
| 8 | 94.625 | |
1349721588 | 1349896451 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | wwt0112: TIFU by lying to a crazy girl.
A little over a year ago, I went to homecoming with this girl. She was really into me, but I wasn't interested because she was a little weird. She believed she was an empath, and she talked about how she hated the idea of love when she had had 6 boyfriends by age 14. She would give enormous bits of information at the end of every conversation (i.e. Telling me she broke up with her boyfriend or saying "I would run." after being asked what she would do if a guy said he loved her) She would try and get me to tell her things through games of 20 questions.
The punch got spiked at the homecoming dance. She drank it. A lot of it. I rejected her for a relationship twice that night. I was trying to let her down easy. At one point she had a panic attack after trying to get her ex-boyfriend back (he cursed her out, I'm not entirely sure) and she shoved her tongue down my throat after trying to the entire night. After dropping her off, I never texted her back again. I did my best to stay out of conversations with her. Today I told her I had changed my number a long time ago. Since we are acting like we are on good terms, she asked for my new number. I keep telling her I'll send it to her on facebook. It's not going to happen. I get the feeling she's going to keep bugging me like this. Eventually, she's going to confirm I'm lying and make me look like an asshole to a ton of people.
**TL;DR:** Told a crazy girl I changed my number when I didn't, and now she wants the new number.
Ghost17088: Hit it and quit it.
spudmclellan: Oh god no, you never stick your dick in crazy. It's a horrible existence until you leave the general geographic location.
[deleted]: Crazy is fine, sketchy is when the dick stays away
spudmclellan: You must never have stuck your dick in truly baseline crazy then. The more things I stick my dick in, the longer the list of "things my dick doesn't get inserted in to" gets.
[deleted]: No, don't get me wrong, I've been stalked before, I know about crazy. But I would much rather be stalked for doing something amazing (crazy chick), than get some form of STD (sketchy chick). I know what you mean though, there are quite a few people I would never want to stick my dick in XD
| 6 | 4 | |
1349743270 | 1349787629 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | Omnicis: Leaving my facebook account open at home.
I am 22, still in college. Go to school 3 hours away from home. My mother is super religious (about bible belt average I would say), and I am a typical 22 year old college guy.
She snooped my messages back to like... 3 months ago.
All she told me was "You left your facebook up, and from what I saw I am sick to my stomach. I don't want to talk to you. Bye"
Uh Oh.
___update tiem!
My father called me last night because my mom was too "sick".
My dad is an infectious disease doctor (read: STD doctor)
-Basically drug use (which was not heavy on my end, parents be parents, though)
-Sex (including embarassing fantasy discussion with my at-the-time girlfriend, lolo)
-religious things (mostly doing with thoughts on abortion - I did not have one).
The conversation was mostly civil. In my own words to a friend (which my mom saw, lol):
"my mom is a pretty crazy religious bigot, but my dad is alright, just super whipped" (yeah, my mom didnt like that).
my dad basically told me to wrap it up (and he admitting to his premarital sex, which isn't a normal thing to them) and leave pot alone.
they had seen a lot of things that were sarcastic/inside jokes of our generation and took them literally, which made things much worse than it could.
Thankfully, they did not see atheist related things (i dont know how they didnt)
No, I dont live with them. No they dont pay for my school. So thankfully - im pretty ok off. Was really shaken up at the time, though.
SerialRappist: We are going to need a followup on this!
[deleted]: givin an edit!
SerialRappist: huh?
[deleted]: i just edited the post. It is updated.
SerialRappist: You are a gentleman and a scholar!
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1349739036 | 1349846508 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: YIFU By hitting my little cousins head off the floor.
My little cousins kept running by me so i decided to start tickling them, it was all fun and games until I grabbed the little guy and started tickling his sides and his feet slipped from under him and he landed directly on his head.
I cant help but feel i might be responsible for causing him brain damage :(
kneeonball: It's okay, I was dropped on my baby as a head and turned out fine.
dancingastronaut: When my sister was a few months old I was watching her one morning and then I left her on the couch so I could go get her bottle and all of a sudden I heard a loud thud and she started crying :(
kneeonball: It happens :/ Especially when you don't devote most of your attention towards a baby. It's surprising easy for these things to happen.
dancingastronaut: Yeah. She's 14 now and turned out okay. But every once in awhile I remind her of the fact that I dropped her on her head as a baby :P
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1349755861 | 1349804604 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by lighting my porch on fire
I put an incense stick in a trash bag before putting it out on the porch and lit the side of the house on fire. Had to put that thing out with a fire extinguisher.
http://i.imgur.com/0fvwD.jpg
[deleted]: Okay, we HAVE to see pictures.
loserkid182: Surely OP will deliver.
| 3 | 17 | |
1349758033 | 1349789029 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | lindseysaywhut: TIFU by clogging my toilet... I don't own a plunger or a wire hanger
SOMEONE HELP ME. I live in a college apartment, and my roommates and I never bought a plunger. I also don't have a car, so I can't go buy those things. Does anyone know how to unclog a toilet without them?!
edit: I borrowed a plunger from one of my friends in the apartment complex. Super embarrassing, but I had to get the job done somehow hahaha
CatKicker69: Garbage bag (or two).
Wrap it around your arm so it goes all the way up to your shoulder.
dive in.
lindseysaywhut: oh god ew! haha I guess I'll have to try....
sierrabravo1984: It's been 8 hours. Have you lost an arm yet?
lindseysaywhut: I ended up borrowing a plunger from one of my friends in the apartment complex. Super embarrassing, but I had to get the job done somehow hahaha
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1349764350 | 1349893871 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | new_to_cincy: TIFU by missing work on Columbus Day
I was going to go until I realized it was Columbus Day. Then I slept in and later heard I had missed work.
Flynn58: Isn't it a statutory holiday?
Cdr_Obvious: No such thing (in the US, at least). The closest is the [OPM list of holidays](http://www.opm.gov/operating_status_schedules/fedhol/2013.asp), but none are mandatory for the private sector.
And there are numerous exceptions for federal workers too.
Flynn58: Canada is awesome like that. Statutory holidays are the shit, man.
Cdr_Obvious: Depends on your definition of awesome. I'll take higher after-tax income and the ability to buy booze 365 days a year any day.
Flynn58: Well, our taxes are 10x yours because we have 1/10th of your population.
Cdr_Obvious: Fixed costs of government that every nation must have are incredibly minute when compared to a nation's overall budget (to provide a couple examples, in the US, legislative branch costs are around 4.3 billion of a total budget of around 3.8 trillion - or 1/10th of 1 percent. And to my knowledge Canadian Parliament's staff is much smaller than the US Congress's). The only other real fixed cost in my mind is foreign relations - everyone's got to have an embassy in every other country/etc; the US spends around 8.8 billion on the Department of State administration (that's staff/admin/salaries - not including aid/etc).
That brings us to a total of around 3/10ths of 1 percent of the total US budget being "fixed" government costs that every nation must bear give or take. If you slashed tax revenue by 90% to be proportional, you'd be looking at 3 % if the US spent at the same rate and had a population closer to Canada's.
And you can't really say that Canada is spending a ton of money on roads given that you have 1 trans-national road and it's two lanes for 95% of its length.
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1349773773 | 1349810341 | null | t5_2to41 | 221 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to bond with our newly adopted cat.
My roommate and I have been slowly introducing our new cat to the apartment, room by room... She fell asleep on my bed, and I was thrilled - so I kinda hung out and eventually fell asleep.
There's a glass aquarium sitting on top of a five foot tall dresser, which houses a single old mouse. Come 3:50AM, the cat, for some reason, decided to try and jump on the two inches of space behind the aquarium.
The cat gets a little bonk on the head (no cuts or scrapes otherwise, just a bit shell-shocked) and I get broken glass all over the carpet, along with dirty pet bedding, tiny droppings, and a bleeding mouse that I can hear in my room, but not find. TIFU...
**Edit:** In addition, my right eye may have caught a tiny fragment of something (glass?) and the white of the eye is currently swelling. If I have to go to urgent care...jesus.
whatusernameisntalre: Just commenting on the eye part - get your ass to a doctor NOW! They'll put fluorescent dye in your eye and determine the extent of the damage. Just had this happen to me but with ice (!) and it doesn't feel too bad the first ~12 hours after it happens but after that you'll get to enjoy all manner of messed up (pain, photophobia, headaches, watering).
Chainmail_Danno: > ~12 hours after it happens
The ice in your eye or the treatment?
whatusernameisntalre: The ice in my eye. I was breaking ice for a cooler for a concert and a piece came and got me in the eye. Hurt a little, but the drive to the concert, the concert and the drive home were fine. Woke up the next morning, rubbed my eye and all hell broke loose. Doctor found two small scratches (I went to a general practice/family doctor, he had the [dye](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluorescein)) and prescribed drops to prevent infection.
I still get some pain every now and then, and it's two months later. But make an appointment as soon as you can and make sure you've got a pair of sunglasses, you'll probably need them.
runs-with-scissors: I stabbed my eye with the pointy leaf tip of a lily plant while working in my yard and even after a year I still have be careful not to rub that eye or the scar hurts like hell.
| 5 | 44.2 | |
1349791363 | 1349885480 | null | t5_2to41 | 148 | ladygigantica: TIFU by being an adventurous cook.
Studying abroad in Asia, and all kinds of awesome foods are cheap here. So I decide "fuck it, let's play with chilies!"
Chilies, like falcons, require thick as hell gloves to be any fun. Mother of God, my hands.
http://www.servernightmares.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/fire_in_hand_001-296x400.jpg
**Edit: There needs to be a "don't be silly, use gloves with chili" PSA. Immediately.**
jerkass7: You can actually get rid of the burning by rubbing your eyes really hard, because tears will get rid of the burn, which is why you cry when you eat something really spicy.
Another (more disgusting) trick is to rub the burning hands or fingers on your rectum. Its not sanitary but it'll fix your burning hands problem
DukeSpraynard: Sweating, crying, and runny nose are all part of the body's reaction to neutrazilize the "heat."
**Pro-tip:** DO NOT rub pepper-tainted fingers into the eyes *really hard*. Instead: firmly, yet gently, rub **around** your eyes. You should be targeting the wet edge of your eyelids. This maximizes the surface area of the body's exposure, and therefore maximizes the neutralizing reaction.
Mech1: You two are either trolling really hard or the human body is an epic fucking asshole, here rub this shit in your to make your mouth stop burning.
jerkass7: Youre misunderstanding. OP said that his hands were burning from handling peppers. Tears and anal secretions have enzymes that neutralize capsaicin, which is what causes the burning sensation.
Rubbing his capsaicin covered hands in either his eyes or rectum will neutralize the burning. It wont stop the burning in his mouth. For that to happen he'd either have to have someone cry into his mouth, or lick someone's rectum.
I know, its disgusting (unless youre already into that kind of thing) but it works.
ladygigantica: *her, but thank you for the advice. I can attest that it worked exceedingly well.
Plus it gave my rectum that exotic spicy flavor I've been trying desperately to create.
jerkass7, my hero <3 <3 <3
jerkass7: Happy to help you de-heat your hands and also apparently improve your love life. Who knew Mr. ladygigantica liked it caliente?
| 7 | 21.142857 | |
1349805150 | 1349810520 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by being shy (as normal)
There I was, caught staring at a pretty girl in my politics class. She noticed me, a tension filled the air as our eyes met. I felt nervous and looked away.
I figured that a poem would be the easiest way to lightheartedly ask her out without having to man up. I scribbled a little something down:
Passing glances can not satisfy
a desire forced through my eye
when my attention is distracted by a pretty face
and I observe how you exist with grace.
I apologize for being so blunt,
but this chase is a game and I'm scared of the hunt,
you, however, proved a good bait,
so, please, join me for a date? :)
And then I fucked up when she went out of her way to walk with me and I couldn't man up and speak to her let alone hand her a fucking poem. Fuck me, dude, fuck me.
NoAttentionAtWrk: I just used your poem.
Here's a tip tho : you **NEVER** try to pick up a girl with a poem ! Use it later.
JDoerf: Appreciate the tip, however, I'm going to learn the hard way or not at all.
NoAttentionAtWrk: you know where /r/seduction is, once you are ready to learn
JDoerf: Not looking to seduce, sorry.
EDIT: To explain what I mean, I'm not trying to impress or entice a girl, I'm trying to get her to know me.
NoAttentionAtWrk: oh you mean like from the friendzone ? thats cool then :)
JDoerf: If that's what you think it is, more power to you.
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1349796088 | 1349818614 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to leave my car in gear
I parked on a slight hill in the parking lot. I forgot to put my car in gear (manual transmission) and only left the parking brake on. Eventually it rolled down and hit a dirt pile bending my bumper slightly.
I got lucky though and I don't think it hit anyone's car on the roll downhill.
[deleted]: I'd get your parking brake checked, it should be able to hold the weight of your vehicle. But, yeah, you got lucky there.
pwnyoface: I just need to tighten the parking cable. Usually I remember that my parking brake is shit and keep it in gear =/
BeerPowered: My there's a garage under the house. Two cars has rolled into it like that so far. One got damaged bumper and broken light, and broke the garage door, another rolled onto a pontoon made from plastic bottles, so completely no damage that time.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1349810253 | 1350914721 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | claytonhulme: TMSFU (today my son fucked up) by stepping on a bottle of chocolate milk that had been sitting in my car.
So, my son was sitting in the backseat like he's supposed to when we went to the store. He unbuckled his seat belt and hopped onto the floor. When he did this he burst open a bottle of chocolate milk that was VERY bad and had been in the car for a week or so. OMG the smell. It went everywhere. On him, on me, on the back of the seat, on the window. It was horrible. He is in the process of cleaning it up now. I would or I would get sick. A genuine fuck up indeed.
rob2060: Who left the bottle of chocolate milk in the car?
claytonhulme: His sister. I had no idea it was back there. Or I would have picked it up.
rob2060: In that case, I agree...TYSFU.
claytonhulme: I fully fully agree. ={
Bickyyy: No your sons sister did.
claytonhulme: Yea......epic fail.
Suitablystoned: TMSSWWABMDFU - Today My Son's Sister Who Would Also Be My Daughter Fucked Up
claytonhulme: Very awesome. Thank you my good redditor.
| 9 | 5.666667 | |
1349812870 | 1349975893 | null | t5_2to41 | 297 | [deleted]: TIFU by touching Scotch Bonnet chilli seeds, then changing my sanitary protection
My taco's gone spicy and it smarts :-/
coldvault: I've never heard the euphemism "sanitary protection" before. o_O Then again, I'm sure much fewer people know what a cup is than a pad or tampon.
How does the cup work for you (when you're not covered in capsaicin), by the way? I've been considering one for a while, but I'm a huge klutz and soo lazy. And I can't wrap my mind around the cup not leaking, let alone fitting the thing inside that damn tiny hole.
[deleted]: The Cup's awesome, had it for nearly 10 years now. It takes a couple of months to 'break in' the cup and get used to it, but after that it's easy peasy. You just fold the thing in half, and then quarter, then insert. It doesn't leak if you do it right! Also, bonus points, you can go all day without having to change it, so you don't have to deal with your ladytroubles in a public toilet.
Reasons I like the Cup:
1. Saved soooo much money
2. It's really comfy, and doesn't give you that dry bunged-up feeling that tampons do
3. Keeps my hoo-hah nice
4. Can double as an egg cup in an emergency
TBH, if you want to talk klutzy and lazy, well you already know I'm a klutz! 99% of the time, I have no problems with it. Also, it saves me having to remember to buy sanitary products.
I know it seems like a big commitment, but it's well worth it. I guess the only thing is that you're happy to be poking about down there.
DanInTheCan: >4. Can double as an egg cup in an emergency
scrambled, fried or poached?
&#3232;\_&#3232;
[deleted]: What do you put your boiled eggs in, eh?
DanInTheCan: my mouth?
[deleted]: Your gob must be made of asbestos
DanInTheCan: well, I find if you swallow them whole on a cold morning, it's like a little fire burning in your belly that keeps the trip from the house to the car (with any brushing of snow off the windshield included) quite bearable.
Either that or I use a clean bowl from my cupboard to soak it in ice water before I put it in my mouth.
[deleted]: You've never had boiled eggs and toast soldiers?
DanInTheCan: Umm, nope. I just did a quick Google to figure out what that even was. I'm not a fan of runny yoke so it's no surprise to me I've not eaten it. The whole egg/cup thing makes *way* more sense now too.
When I boil eggs, I way overcook them so there's no question that they're solid through and through. Then I chop them up to add to a salad, or make deviled eggs.
[deleted]: Perhaps it's a British thing. Dippy eggs, om nom nom :-)
In fact, I love all eggs. People hate me for it.
therealshamisen: This was the point in the thread where I upvoted you. All of your comments are so cute!
[deleted]: This escalated in quite the weird way
therealshamisen: Whoops, sorry if it came across a little strange. D:
[deleted]: I meant the egg thing. Wild tangents are common round here! Your comment actually made my day :-)
therealshamisen: Oh! I see what you mean now.
Also, hurray for day-making! :3
| 16 | 18.5625 | |
1349811592 | 1349870980 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | luftwaffles1337: TIFU when I tried to jump up on a 2 foot high wall on one leg, slipped and hit the sharp, solid rock edge.
Yea. That's a hole into the bone... http://i.imgur.com/QrfKT.jpg
smakmahara: I actually did the same thing about 6 years ago. Tried to just patch it up. Didn't really work. Had an open wound for 10 days. Today it's just a small inverted dent with a soft thin layer of scar tissue. I call it my little crater. It's nice
luftwaffles1337: I've tried to just patch it up, but now (the day after) it hurts like a motherfucker and I can't walk. Should I get it sown? Should I see a doctor?
Arcanine92: Hey.
Yeah you definitely should see I doctor man. I tried doing to the same thing. Went to jump on a ledge from a stationary position and slipped and hit my shin on the edge. Wound looked very much like yours. I went a couple days with a patch over it but the bleeding was quite a big sign telling me to go to a doctor. After about a week I was getting sharp pains throughout my shin. Went to the doctor and found out it got infected. Had to run antibiotics.
Get it checked bro!
luftwaffles1337: Yea thanks man I'll do that. I noticed this was serious when it hadn't stopped bleeding and woke up in red sheets -_-
Arcanine92: Yeah that sounds about right. It's a strange wound to get. Good to hear you're getting it checked! :)
luftwaffles1337: Just got it checked out by a doctor. He said that he can't stitch it up since I hurt myself yesterday, and you're supposed to see a doctor right away. So all I can do now is wait until i'm seeing him again on friday...
Arcanine92: Yeah that's the answer I got from my doc as well. He looked at it and said, "you should have came here straight after. That needed stitches." But I left it longer than a day to see him. Hope it all goes well Friday though!
| 8 | 11.625 | |
1349822839 | 1349832220 | null | t5_2to41 | 166 | VaginaPirate: TIFU by discovering this subreddit in class...and it gets worse..
I am in teacher education classes, don't know how I find this sub but I do, don't know why I keep reading but I do. I got to the story about the person on MDMA at work and lost it. Had to leave class and laugh in the hallway.
Typically I am a guy who follows along on my ipad, so the prof has used it before when discussing whatever...as I walk back into class I see prof hovering over my ipad, she saw the story, my username. Look of shock on her face and I'm speechless. She walks away and I awkwardly sit down. I have to also mention I have worked professionally at an elementary school with my prof in the past.
[deleted]: Tell her that reddit is the fastest growing educational resource, CoughtGwCough, and you were researching how kids in the future will receive and display information on a world wide forum (people from other countries as sub-research)
madrantings: dude, username is VaginaPirate, how much research has been done?
| 3 | 55.333333 | |
1349833994 | 1350002642 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | Cream-Chan: TIFU by accidentally sending my 21 year-old best friend in the Marine Corp a naked picture of myself.
I've known this guy since I was 14 because he tutored me in Japanese and we've been close ever since and we agreed to stay close when he graduated from boot camp and moved to New Jersey. Unfortunately, he just so happens to have the same name as my boyfriend so I tend to screw up texts a lot. So last night my boyfriend and I decided to act all naughty and exchange naked pictures and without hesitation I clicked on the first name that said "Robert" and then pressed send. 2 minutes later I get a message saying "Katie...you do realize I'm a grown man who could get kicked out of the Marines for this?!"
tl;dr I sent a Marine a naked picture of myself by accident.
PoTaToeChips: You should share the photo with us, ya know, for science.
x_minus_one: Not if she's 17, kthx.
PoTaToeChips: Depending on where you live, 17 is perfectly legal. Age of consent laws vary from state to state, country to country.
[deleted]: Actually, no. 18 is the line before it becomes child porn.
AnticholinergicCraze: Depends on the state, but you are definitely correct in Illinois
http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2012/06/21/ill-supreme-court-sex-with-17-year-old-was-legal-pictures-were-not/
| 6 | 7 | |
1349836609 | 1350055033 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | freakinpenguins: TIFU by putting duck tape in my mouth when I was hanging a sign up. The inside of my lip is bleeding.
Fauropitotto: Was it actually *Duck Tape*^TM, or was it generic duct tape?
trouphaz: Even if it wasn't Duck Tape^TM ,[ it could still be called duck tape](http://www.octanecreative.com/ducttape/duckvsduct.html) since "duck tape" was the original name.
Fauropitotto: > Because it was waterproof, everyone referred to it as “duck” tape (like water off a duck’s back).
I absolutely reject this excuse. In fact, it sounds like bullshit made up as a marketing ploy by the folks that manufacture *Duck Tape*
trouphaz: Hmm... is that why I got the downvote? [Wikipedia has more supporting details with references](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duct_tape) if that'll make you feel better.
> Duct tape, or duck tape, is cloth- or scrim-backed pressure sensitive tape often coated with polyethylene...
> The first material called "duck tape" was long strips of plain cotton duck cloth used in making shoes stronger, for decoration on clothing, and for wrapping steel cables or electrical conductors to protect them from corrosion or wear...
> Various theories have been put forward for the nickname, including the descendant relation to cotton duck fabric, the waterproof characteristics of a duck bird, and even the 1942 amphibious military vehicle DUKW which was pronounced "duck"...
> After the war, the duck tape product was sold in hardware stores for household repairs. The Melvin A. Anderson Company of Cleveland, Ohio, acquired the rights to the tape in 1950. It was commonly used in construction to wrap air ducts. Following this application, the name "duct tape" came into use in the 1950s, along with tape products that were colored silvery gray like tin ductwork.
Would you also be aware of the fact that duct tape is, in fact, not good for using on ductwork? This is due to the heat causing the adhesive to break down over time. They have specialized tape for ductwork.
Fauropitotto: I didn't downvote you.
trouphaz: Sorry, I just meant did I get the downvote because someone thought that it was simply marketing BS.
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1349840604 | 1349842478 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | mcparker73: TIFU: I deleted my document that had all of my notes that I need for my final on Friday.
Pretty fucked. All my notes are gone.
UPDATE: Thanks, you guys! I found the file, restored it, and I'm back in business! You saved me.
KingKidd: Word? Track down where the autosaves are kept. Should be under advanced options. They're usually hidden in some temporary program data folder on the C drive. Mitigate your disaster.
mcparker73: I found it! Thanks! If you ever need to know anything about the olympics specifically judo, let me know and I can help you out!
KingKidd: Bitte, glad the good people of TIFU could help.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1349838575 | 1349920686 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | Flamingrecorders: TIFU when my friend walked in on me.
I called my friend and told him he could visit today, and still thought I would have time to fap. It ended up being lengthier than usual, and my phone died before he could call me and tell me he was almost there. He walks right into my room without knocking. I was already about done, so I traumatized the hell out of him when I panicked, looked him straight in the eye, and finished everywhere. He said it's fine and he should have knocked...but I can't help but feel a little weird for it.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: You'll be avoiding eye contact for a while. At least it wasn't a relative dropping by.
VaginaPirate: ..and when he does have eye contact...everywhere.
therealshamisen: Heehee, I just saw your TIFU post a few minutes ago (this is one of many tabs I had open right next to it).
Your username still makes me laugh.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1349854109 | 1349931827 | t3_118p1o | t5_2to41 | 14 | darthelmo: Okay, take a look now. There are *at least* three other current similar stories. One or more of them will have good, solid advice to deflame your wang.
blueskin: Stick it in milk?
...what? I heard drinking milk was good for having eaten hot food &#3232;\_&#3232;.
NarwhalAttack: Not a bad idea
blueskin: Cue a new TIFU when someone walks in on that.
Stublore: Just spat milk all over keyboard :(
Note to self, don't read TIFU when consuming ANY liquids.
darthelmo: Especially not one that looks like jizz.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1349851903 | 1350137427 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | Laughingcough: Wasting mom's money
TIFU: I had booked a flight home on my mom's bill. She paid for it because I'm broke and she really wants to have me visit.
I missed the flight because I thought it was the next day. I should've been more diligent about checking my info.
I'm 30.
I had to tell her I'd missed the flight (because of my own negligence).
Then I had to save face by charging $500 on my credit card.
That hurt.
Am I a piece of shit? Cuz that's how I feel.
LearnProgramming7: Youre not a horrible person for making a mistake.
Laughingcough: You're sweet. And right. Chock it up to experience I suppose. :/
RoninUnderground: I always thought the better word for this was "chalk"...
Checkerszero: And you thought right!
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1349859648 | 1350034291 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | Tablardier: TIFU By acting impulsively/stupidly and probably ruining a future relationship
A bit(lot) o' backstory
So this girl and I have been flirting pretty heavily for a couple weeks or so, i've made my intentions clear at least and from the signals I am getting it really seems like she is on the same page. Everything is pretty awesome for a while nice banter back and forth and some teasing and all that but since I'm pretty bad at the whole 'dating/flirting' thing I've apparently misinterpreted signals that to me I think mean 'i want to kiss but don't want to initiate' (for example intense eye contact with her eyes glancing at my lips and back repeatedly)
Which is when shit hit the fan, I made multiple poor decisions in succession 1. Running after her as she was leaving 2. While she was walking with family 3. At night time so it's pretty dim outside 4. I stopped in between her and where she was going and last but not least 5. doing this whole thing in the first place.
So what ended up happening was, I get there out of breath after catching her attention, taking a second to breathe and I say something along the lines of "I wanted to do this earlier but sorta chickened out its probably a stupid idea" she clutches her stuff and takes half a step back and I immediately stammer "oh sorry ummm ahhh I uhhh was just, planning on kissing you... Awkward ok then umm uhhh"
She stood there for a second telling me "oh ok this isn't really a good time, at all. Trust me it's not a good time. You're more honest than most people though, that's good. Sorry, you ok?" "...yeah I'm fine"
"ok then well bye"
and then we both just left
TLDR: I got a over zealous and impatient ended up seemingly like a rapist to the girl I fancy.
Edit
Update on the situation: So she called me up and asked if we could talk in person about what happened so she could explain since she apparently felt really bad. It turns out that she backed up because she figured out what I was going to do and wanted to keep herself from kissing me back. Since her last relationship started with a kiss which went bad pretty quickly afterward and didn't want that to happen with me as she cared for me in that way.
So I guess its all worked out for now
doublemenumbers: Hard Luck man, brush it off though, it might be awkward and embarrasing at the moment, but just remember shit happens and who knows, we don't know if it's the end of that yet or not, either way, time will tell and it's not the end of the world!
Tablardier: I like you, you are positive and it wasn't quite the end as you said. Onwards and forwards.
doublemenumbers: [Thanks :-)](http://alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/happy-oh-stop-it-you-l.png) , Glad to hear everything looking good! Good man for the update!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1349875527 | 1349967823 | null | t5_2to41 | 333 | Seraphiend: TIFU by acting slightly creepy towards a new-ish coworker
I work in a warehouse and am getting to know people there slowly. I saw a coworker upon exiting who I met a couple of times before, and after chit chatting for less than a minute, proceeded to tell her she reminds me of the chick who plays Janice in the movie Mean Girls, played Marlene in Cloverfield, and also played the girlfriend of Jason Stackhouse on True Blood. I believe I used the words "hot". She proceeded to quickly walk away.
I think it came off creepy, especially since I am also female. I have a feeling I'll be labeled the creepy lesbian from now on (I have no aversion to lesbians, but I identify as straight).
TL;DR Told a chick she's hot and am also a chick, came off kinda creepy. Not going to compliment people anymore.
iMarmalade: TIL "Fucked up" = "slight social faux paux"
theodrixx: >faux pas
Kinkie_Pie: Fox paws?
theodrixx: Foe pah.
Kinkie_Pie: Foe paws??
Kinkie_Pie: http://blog.targethealth.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/cat.jpg
therealshamisen: Awwww. That is sweet and sad at the same time.
VulpesAbnocto: [Sort of like this](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mau3q9yYyu1qdlh1io1_250.gif)?
therealshamisen: EXACTLY like that.
Sniffle. :(
| 10 | 33.3 | |
1349879644 | 1349905358 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by blacking out drunk at a police event with 25 cops.
While being on a date with a cop.
NarwhalAttack: I totally forgot it's illegal to get drunk, man you sure fucked up.
gurgaue: Maybe not illegal, but might have a kind of a negative effect on the date and I have to agree the fact that there are cops just makes it worse somehow.
NarwhalAttack: indeed.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1349856181 | 1350160047 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU Toasting Muesli
I was casually toasting some muesli and completely forgot about it. Returned to my kitchen to witness plumes of black smoke billowing out of my oven. An apartment building evacuated and 3 fire engines later, my flatmates forbade me from ever cooking again.
Checkerszero: My ex girlfriend once lit the microwave on fire. She tried heating up chicken, with the aluminium foil wrapper still attached.
Silly bitch.
netdorf: My roommate when I was a sophomore in college got stoned as fuck and put an entire bag of pizza rolls (bag included) into the microwave for a half hour then passed out. One dorm room full of smoke and fire alarms blaring later, fire department shows up.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1349911935 | 1349957122 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU accepting a newer job, drug test is up in the air
I may accept a rehire position at a company where I know many friends and family members. It is a well paying professional job too. The new position was a lock but now I have to do a drug test. Let's just say it is up in the air.
I will let you know if(WHEN) I embarrass myself with the bad news.
Edit: I failed...I will keep you abreast of more information, failed, failed.
Rehab_Barbie: Oooh, I read it wrong, I'm sorry. Is there something you can do to make it not in the air? it sounds like a good opportunity.
galtor2: Well I read some stuff online like cleansing but I will just take the test and try not to worry about it.
davo_nz: Drink lots and lots and lots of Cranberry Juice.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1349921908 | 1349972820 | null | t5_2to41 | 177 | [deleted]: TIFU by offering my seat to a pregnant lady on the subway. She wasn't pregnant.
CherrySlurpee: Was it at least a lady?
Because if so, I've made a worse mistake.
catcradle5: Please go on, good sir.
CherrySlurpee: There really isn't too much to the story. Asked a fat guy when he was due.
I didn't get the job.
NopeNotConor: Jeez. Bad meet worse. Your references are impregnable.
Zemedelphos: Wow. Looks like we need to knock up TIFU for frequent bun threads now.
NonSequiturPun: They're certainly the one type of *threat* I can never resist.
| 7 | 25.285714 | |
1349931074 | 1349955019 | null | t5_2to41 | 245 | psqhcf: Last night, actually-- I slept with a recently-hired co-worker on the way to her welcome party.
[deleted]: sounds pretty awesome to me
psqhcf: Yeah, but: co-worker.
And I don't know what her expectation is, anything.
It would not be good for us if this got out.
Ghost17088: Why? Its not like you're her boss. Most companies could care less unless it is conflict of interest situation, in which case they will usualy move one person to another department.
psqhcf: I was on her hiring board as one of the interviewers and voted to keep her after her probation period, so boss or no boss, it still doesn't look good.
sidewalkchalked: Don't shit where you eat, my friend. You're right to be concerned. I hope it goes well for you.
psqhcf: I am concerned.
But even so, we decided to meet up after work tomorrow...
sanssomnia72: If it appears that it might develop into anything more than just a random one-time fling then file it with your Human Resources department while also being 100% clear that you two had no absolutely no social contact until after she was past her probationary period.
psqhcf: Eventually it may have to come to that. We do have disclosure rules to prevent people being transferred into boss/subordinate relationships, so we'll see how it goes.
| 9 | 27.222222 | |
1349936045 | 1349973045 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Mister-Drinky-Pants: TIFU and Got Fired. Fer Reals.
I was put through an absurd amount of drama by my direct supervisor at work for over a week; at the end i cracked and got mad at my crew lead for some very real reasons. I was immediately summoned to a meeting with some higher ups about it. I was warned they would reconsider my job for the next week. It was the first and only time my behavior was ever questioned.
I was with a colleague right after the meeting; he suggested i make a meeting with the director of the whole region. I set up an appointment; in the course of our appointment-tag, i wrote "there are many things i've been wanting to talk with you about concerning my experience here thus far and have been reluctant to on account of how i feel this conversation could cost me my job." We settled on a date; i told said person i might not have a job anymore but would like to still speak with them, regardless.
Found out day prior to meeting i still had job. Kept interview with director. Wanted to cancel at that point; felt it would look worse if i didn't. Said only good things about supervisor. Didn't want to lose what i thought i was about to be forced to say goodbye to. Knew meeting went strange.
Fired the following week. I want to get a lawyer. I've kept documentation about my experiences; they've been shitty. But i worry they aren't shitty enough. It sucks.
I shouldn't have listened to my colleague. I shouldn't have gotten so upset. And in retrospect i understand these were learning experiences and they really were the end result of being mistreated. I just hope i can prove this somehow, with what documentation i've kept.
awkwardbabble: I'm a bit confused, but the gist of it is you think that you got fired in retaliation for the meeting which was initially to be a "grievance meeting" when you *thought* you were getting canned, yeah?
Actually, you could go to the labor board and sue for wrongful termination/retaliation.. But to be honest.. The Payoff < The Effort... Like they said below, I'd just move on.. sorry for the tough break though. Hope things look up for you
Source: I'm an HR Coordinator
Mister-Drinky-Pants: From your experience, a question for you: I'm just going to hope that my written documentation is enough to file a complaint with the labor board, but let's assume it isn't: is it still worth it for someone to file a complaint? What sort of consequences are there if this is all for naught?
Edit: I should add that I received a lot of support after I got canned; it was sneaky, i was still on probation though i'd worked there for over a year, and it's happened to others. That's why i'm worried i won't have enough evidence; my employers were very sneaky and untrustworthy. Much despised by all. They could have something up their sleeve i don't know about. My firing felt very political.
awkwardbabble: Well.. whether you were to go to the Labor Board or the EEOC it's ABOUT the same process.
If you were to go to the labor board you would bring all the documentation that you have supporting your case and you would file a complaint with the labor commissioner for wrongful termination. From there a Labor Board hearing would be set in which both you and your employer would argue your cases, and a decision would be rendered by the labor board in favor of either you or your former employer. Typically should the board find in your favor there is some sort of restitution paid and a job reinstatement. Mind you, this is not a quick and painless process, typically this is a process that drags out for a bare minimum of 3 months. The restitution varies depending on what's been decided case to case, and honestly the job reinstatement.. It takes cajones to go ahead and avail yourself to that award, because your employer will just be on you like a hawk, and terminate you again, but do it the right way the second time around.
If you went to the EEOC you would more than likely be filing your complaint based on the retaliation charge. You would write up a statement and provide all of your supporting documentation to the case worker. The case worker would then send a copy of your official statement to your former employer and they would have 30 days to rebut your statement with their own counter-statement and supporting documentation. From there the case worker has a time allotted of up to 60 (or 90?) days to review both sides of the claim. If the case worker determines that there was no retaliation you will receive a notice from the EEOC stating that they could find no "wrong doing" and you would be given the option to file a complaint with the Federal Court within 90 days of the EEOC's dismissal. Should the EEOC find in your favor they would send you a notice saying as such and the first step would depend on what the EEOC would want to do. They would either offer a mediation with them between you and your former employee to come to a settlement, or they would recommend that the case go to court and decide to litigate in your behalf, OR tell you that they will not litigate and you would have to find your own counsel.
The consequences? There's not really consequences in the terms that I THINK you are speaking of, meaning this will not mar your ability to get another job with a new company, or put any sort of spots on your record. The only consequence to speak of would be a long, drawn out, potentially expensive ordeal; with no material payoff if you were to lose.
EDIT: Mind you, I am not trying to discourage you from filing a complaint and seeking the justice you deserve for what happened... I just am trying to "prepare" you for what you face. If you feel like you have a good case and this is something you want/need to do, I would fully support your efforts (you know, if I knew you and we were friends etc)
Mister-Drinky-Pants: Lordy--your help--i very much appreciate it! That really does help clarify more about this process. I've never been through something like this before and it's scary to not know how this stuff works or what the hell a lot of it even entails.
I'm glad you read my post--HR is a total mystery to me, yet it's something that really does end up sort of ruling our working lives. I thank you for your contribution.
awkwardbabble: My pleasure! I'm happy that I could be of some help. If you have any more questions you know where to find me :)
HR is definitely an interesting world.. It's like taking 1/4 lawyer, 1/4 Administrative Services, 1/4 Management, and 1/4 Babysitter/Counselor and rolling it all into one big cluster of madness haha... Keeps me on my toes!
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1349929040 | 1349994995 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | sheepy7: TIFU by sticking a screwdriver into the valve of what I thought was an empty keg.
A few weekends ago my buddy and I drunkenly "borrowed" two "empty" pony kegs from a bar. After having them sit for awhile I decided to turn them into weights for an adventure run I'm training for. My dumbass thought it would be a good idea to try and stick a screwdriver into the pressure valve to see what happened in the middle of my living room.
Next thing I know there is a large whoosh sound and I'm covered in beer. It shot straight up out of the valve with a direct shot into my eyes and face. Not only was I covered in stale beer but so was the rest of the living room including the ceiling, tv, books, and everything else within a 10 ft. radius. The kicker is I just had the carpets cleaned and now they have a lingering smell of beer.
TL:DR Don't stick screwdriver into keg pressure valve
[deleted]: It must've sucked cleaning up all that beer with your mouth. Which I'm assuming you did because it's illegal to waste beer ;-)
sheepy7: Believe it or not, stale shock top tastes like crap.
[deleted]: Haha, I believe it. Stale beer in general is one of the worst tasting things, ever.
sheepy7: There is also an obvious stench, I'm still finding dried beer spots all over the living room lol.
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1349954718 | 1349999231 | null | t5_2to41 | 496 | psqhcf: TIFU--last night, actually--and slept with a recently-hired co-worker on the way to her welcome party.
**TIFU and didn't read the rules before posting, so this is a repost with a fixed title.**
**Edit: The "fuck up" is that co-workers are off-limits if you don't want problems for yourself at work.**
A little over a month ago, we interviewed a new staff member for our international support office, and I was called in to interview her in Japanese because although a native Japanese she had lived overseas since childhood, and often in those cases they can't really speak or read well enough for a professional setting.
In going over her resume, I noticed that she had lived in Sweden for a few years as a child. We definitely could use a Swedish speaker, too, but nobody had planned to interview her in Swedish because they didn't know we had any Swedish speaker. And this was very cool and interesting to me personally because my grandmother was Swedish and I had spoken it with her until she died when I was about 9 years old. So I switched from Japanese put on my best Swedish lilt, and asked "kan du taler svenska?"
She looked shocked, but said yes, she did. And we had a brief chat to the limit of my 30-years-ago childhood vocabulary. She kicked my ass speaking it, and was clearly fluent. I'm not, and completely exhausted my vocabulary trying not to look like a faking douche.
Long story short, as a speaker of English, Japanese, Malaysian, and Swedish, she was a great candidate for dealing with international clients and was hired about a month ago.
But during these past weeks, we've not spoken a single time. We're on separate floors, so there's not much opportunity other than the break room or when people are grouping up or lunch. But I got the impression she was avoiding me, since she would never say hello or make eye contact walking past in the halls.
But then a week or so ago, I noticed that every time I was on that floor, she would be staring at me until my gaze wandered in her direction and she would look away before I could catch her eye. And last week, she full-on blushed when I caught her staring at me while I was talking with one of her nearby colleagues.
So maybe she's avoiding me because she likes me, I thought.
It's a company tradition to have a welcome party for employees after their 30-day probationary period is up, and last night was the party for her and three other new hires. I was working late on a project and was still in the office a while after everybody else had left for the restaurant. I made a last sweep to pick up stragglers, and found only her, hunched over her phone and terminal working on some last support call. I waited patiently for her to finish so that I could show her the way in case she didn't know the area well enough yet.
So we leave the office, barely speaking two words other than the basic functionalities and pleasantries.
As we swiped our passcards to leave the building, I realized that I had only brought my small business card/commuter pass case but not my regular wallet, and only had $20 folded up in one of its pockets for emergencies. But my apartment is about a block away from our route to the restaurant, so asked I she didn't mind if we stopped off there so I could pick up my wallet. I'm not sure I noticed it at the time, but in retrospect she looked startled--mouth agape and eyes wide--before saying "Uh, sure, I guess."
As we get to the building lobby, I said, "I'll just be a minute," walked to the elevator and pushed the button. But she kept walking right along side me and waited for the elevator with me. I didn't really care where she waited since I was just going to dash in, grab my wallet off the credenza, and get to the party. So she rode up standing just beside and behind me, quiet and demure, holding her purse with both hands down in front of her.
I opened the door and stepped in, turning on the hall light and slipping off my shoes in the entryway before heading in a few steps further to pick up my wallet. She also stepped into the room and stood just inside the doorway for a few seconds. My walllet was right there, but I also decided to put my briefcase away by my desk, so turned on the living room light and stepped around the corner.
"Is that Akvavit?" she called from the entryway. Putting down my briefcase next to the desk, I stepped backwards into the hall again to see her pointing towards the liquor cabinet in my kitchen.
"Yes, it is. Oh, you must know it from your time in Sweden?"
"I love it! It's so rare to see it here," she excitedly replied, while in one motion closing the door behind her, slipping off her shoes, and briskly walking into the room. "Oh, I'm sorry, I just wanted to see, do you mind?"
I did not.
She reached the cabinet, took the bottle down, and said, "Wow, this is my favorite brand; I haven't seen it in ages!" She started to put the bottle down, then suddenly clutched it to her chest and asked, "Do you mind if I have just a sip? For old times?"
I gestured towards the glasses in the shelf, and she squealed like a child, carefully pouring out two shots in (for some reason) my pair of Absinthe glasses. It was a surprising sound to come out of her considering her habitually quiet manner. "Here, you should have some with me."
Coming closer, I took the glass she held out to me, and stood there a few feet apart. As I started to slowly sip mine, she took hers as a shot--choking a bit as the liquid came in a sudden wash out of the bulb at the bottom of the glass. "Oh, that is so good!"
She looked at the bottle again. "I'm a little nervous about the party. May I have another?"
"Of course, I'm glad you like it," I said as I finished mine.
She drank the second one more slowly, eyes closed, enjoying and savoring the flavor. As she drained the last drops from the glass, she opened her eyes, looked at me, and put her left hand on my chest. "This is so nice, thank you!" Then she stepped forward and hugged me. And didn't let go, head against my chest.
I put my hand around her shoulder and patted her on the back. She pulled in closer against me and looked up into my eyes. Then moved her hand behind my head and closed her eyes half way, reaching up to me with her lips.
She was gorgeous. Overcome, I kissed her, and soon our hands were all over each others' bodies, pulling at buttons and blouses and tie knots. We collapsed onto the bed, and still partially clothed had amazing, exciting, and exhilarating sex-- for about 10 minutes until she said, "Oh my God, what are we doing, we have to get to the party! You have to come soon! I'm almost there!!"
Arriving finally at the party 40 minutes late, I apologized for being late working on my project, and she told everyone that I had been kind enough to wait for her and show her the way to the party. The party went completely normally, and I didn't catch her looking at me once--but she had a subtle smile and her eyes and hands lingered as we shook hands on everybody's way out when it was over.
I haven't seen her yet today.
**Update:** Ran into her in the break room accidentally on purpose, chatted briefly and exchanged info in Japanese since nobody else in the room speaks it (as far as we know).
The votes seem to be about 50/50 whether the company pier is open for fishing or not, but we'll at least meet up & talk about it.
rya11111: you know i really dont see how this is a fuck up ..
phokas: Its not good to have a manager employee relationship, but i find a large amount of couples find 'the one' this way. Its not a fuck up, its just a complicted situation with pros and cons. If you guys do end up sparking something id let management or HR know so they can deal with it appropriotly so that it does not interfere in the workplace.
RoninUnderground: Wouldn't telling HR be a good way to get someone relocated or fired?
phokas: I suppose it's possible but they'll find out eventually. If the relationship goes south, then that's a definite way to get fired because it'd be inevitable that a incident in the work place will happen.
Work is a rumor mill. They always find out.
RoninUnderground: I wouldn't call an incident inevitable, but it is indeed one of the reasons companies don't want this occurring in the first place. I think such incidents only really happen because adults refuse at some point to act like they are, go figure.
You're right, this secret probably won't last long. In fact it's likely the cat is already out of the bag considering this thread is getting some traction...
psqhcf: It was pointed out to me that it might be too detailed.
I change the languages and timeframes from the actual details, to avoid that, but who knows, somebody might guess if they come across it?
RoninUnderground: ha, I see. I know, we should all just make up 98% of our stories, filling them with entertaining dialogue and impressive back story so that we not only appear as bamfs, we would not suffer real life backlash for being honest about minor indiscretions!
I have to agree with the redditor who said companies are stupid for banning inter-employee relationships (paraphrased). When people demonstrate that the won't be responsible, respectable adults, *then* you fire them.
| 8 | 62 | |
1349962601 | 1349964477 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU yesterday by doing something to my dick and pissing blood the rest of the day
I dunno what I did, but I pissed blood several times yesterday. Luckily it stopped, but my dick still hurts. Wasn't remotely as funny as my last two fuckups. Scared the hell out of me.
Hashrick: Dude get it checked ASAP pissing blood is serious, could be anything but it could be as bad as kidney problems
[deleted]: Nah, I hurt my dick. I can feel a pain halfway down, around my urethra. When I first noticed it I thought I was passing a stone and it cut me on the way out (which may still be the case). And the blood wasn't too bad--it looked like I had pissed out a clot, because it wasn't a steady stream, just a couple wads of red.
I dunno what I did, but it looks like Rosie Palm and her five sisters are going on vacation for a while.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1349977284 | 1350067712 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a joke on Tumblr and ruining the beginnings of a relationship.
So I've been...er, I guess had been seeing this guy for a while. Pretty cool, things going well. I had been keeping it somewhat casual though I was (and still am) really into the guy. We go out dancing, he seems a bit pre-occupied. We get in a bit of a spat, things are weird, afterward we get in a bit of an argument. He felt as though I was only using him for casual companionship and sex, which I wasn't. As we're talking things through, I come up with what I think is a funny observation, and post it to Tumblr. The post was basically "If I was using you for sex, you'd have a MUCH bigger dick". I didn't think much of it. We resolve things, share our feelings, we both want to be more serious and care about each other.
Today I get a text. "I see you have a Tumblr". Apparently, he'd been perusing...sees the post. Gets super upset, feelings hurt etc. He's super offended, says he had no idea I was like that and felt "foolish" for thinking I was special and important in his life. Says he wants nothing to do with me. I has a sad. :(
I'm planning on giving him a day or two to cool down and try and talk to him, but...TIFU.
[deleted]: You fucked up, dont bother calling him or talking to him. You don't tell a guy that. Your KIND OF a bitch
Autumnsprings: you're
[deleted]: That's bitchy too btw
UlgraTheTerrible: You wanna see a bitch? Look in the mirror.
einssein: Easy there, White Knight.
UlgraTheTerrible: I'm not a white knight. I'm a lady with a similar sense of humor who thinks maybe it wasn't the most well-thought out thing to say to express frustration over the internet, but I also think that the dude reacted with a little more butthurt than was necessary.
Women put up with jokes from men all the time, have to listen to random douchebags and even some really (normally) nice guys make comments about our weight, or our attractiveness, or how fuckable we are but suddenly it's different when we're talking about your penis? No. Fuck that. Learn to take a fucking joke.
mook234: jokes are nice. mines an Inny. but admit it my dear sometimes women don't know which part it's coming from and what they're trying to pass off as a joke is just the bitchyness :P
UlgraTheTerrible: The thing everyone forgets is that the rules are changing now. We express ourselves online, we say the shit we're thinking anyways, treat the internet like our diary, and you know what? If a man makes a comment like that, it's a fucking joke, everyone is just supposed to accept it, and it's NEVER coming from secret misogyny... But a woman says it? Oh. She's a bitch. Because bitch is a totally okay way to classify women. It's completely fine to compare them to animals. Because they're stupid. Like dogs. They don't know any better. They're bitches. It's bitchy. Don't be a fucking hypocrite.
mook234: lol okay little miss muffit zealot of femdon ... just admit it you're fishing for arguments out of you're own pretentious self-righteousness and misguided bitchyness. sorry to tell you this but I don't hulk out ... this pond is dry so pack up and take your sideshow elsewhere.
UlgraTheTerrible: Go fuck yourself, you're not worth the time.
mook234: see you proved my point. sorry for ya but like I said I don't hulk out.you might wanna try world of Warcraft plenty of little tadpoles to take the bait and get mad there. have a nice day and don't worry your personal problems will work themselves out.
UlgraTheTerrible: Yeah, okay. Keep responding, butthurt. The invitation to go fuck yourself stands.
mook234: the continuation of responses in that manner only proves my point more.
:P
| 14 | 3.214286 | |
1349983100 | 1350081618 | null | t5_2to41 | 529 | laz303: TIFU by trying to kill our pets..
The cats brought fleas into the house, so everybody has been itching for a little while... Finally got a day when the wife and kids were going to be out of the house for a few hours so I could use the flea bombs we got.. set them off on the 1st and 2nd floor and am in the process of taping the door to the basement where my office space is when it hits me..
Where are the Cats?
RIP the tape off the door, start opening ALL the windows and turn on the huge attic fan to flush out the air inside.. Fortunately one cat was outside already, but the other who NEVER goes outside took some coaxing out from under a bed. Get her into the basement with me, quick trip to the pet store for more bombs and off we go..
[deleted]: I thought you meant you did it with the intent to kill them... lol
XpHog: Yea I was afraid this was going to go completely different.
[deleted]: I was anticipating "Finally got a day when the wife and kids were going to be out of the house for a few hours so I could kill those motherfuckers."
supbanana: My dad did this to my puppy when I was a kid. :(
forgotpasswordagain0: Dude..
supbanana: Yeah. :/ Brownie was having trouble with potty training, apparently, and dad got sick of it. I really loved that dog but my dad was a good old boy and to him, a dog was just a dumb beast to help out with hunting. He viewed the puppy as completely useless.
ETA: Honestly, I'm surprised he waited for us to leave instead of having us watch. His idea of fun when I was a kid was to have me stick my hand under a tarp, right into a dead deer's split open gut.
forgotpasswordagain0: Your dad is either really devoted to growing up a hard-boiled kid with sensibilities and pride, or some kind of impulsive lunatic. Probably both.
his name was brownie paulson
supbanana: Ha, definitely both. I'm a girl and he wanted me to be some athletic tomboy type that could take a punch as well as give one and kill a deer with my bare hands. It didn't really work out that way. This is by far not the craziest/worse thing he's ever done.
Brownie Paulson?
| 9 | 58.777778 | |
1349987227 | 1350178102 | null | t5_2to41 | 87 | Quacky_McFuckface: TIFU by whining about the professor
I must take an upper-level English lit class for my degree. English is not my forte.
The professor has a tendency to mumble a lot and not make any sense. One class, I was pretty bored, so I decided to type out everything he said word for word. Here is a sample: "Uh, so, yeah. In terms of didactic literature... well, actually, yeah. You could say that some are didactic. But, then, some aren't. So, um, yeah. Talk to the person sitting next to you about it." Except we had no idea what he was talking about, so we just talked about muffins.
Anyway I had a huge Thermos of coffee to get me through the day. The girl sitting next to me asked me about it. I joked, "I need all this coffee to stay awake during Dr. [Snooze]'s lectures. Have you ever noticed that he talks so much but the lectures have so little content? Honestly one time I had to pinch myself to stay awake." I continued on like this until the girl's eyes widened and she nudged her head forward ever so slightly.
Dr. S. was standing behind me, stiffly holding out the attendance sheet for me to sign and pass around. He didn't look me in the eye at all. Usually he gives the sheet to me because I sit in the front row at the far left and he always says good morning and asks me how I'm doing. He didn't do that today. Can you really blame him?
It was fifteen minutes before class when it happened. Dr. S. always arrives five minutes before class starts. But he was an early bird today. Crap.
I can't drop the class because it's past the add/drop deadline. I have no fucking idea what to do. I am thinking of going to his office hour next week and giving him a heartfelt apology. I don't know what else I can do.
mook234: ya just tell him you were trying to get on her good side
trouphaz: nah, that'll make yourself look even more wormy and make him focus some of his irritation on the girl. just own up to it, say you were being an idiot and apologize.
mook234: why in the world did ya reply that to me?
trouphaz: becausr you suggested saying you were trying to get on her good side. I'm assuming you meant the girl he was joking with.
mook234: I did but he doesn't get the message if you reply to someone else lol
trouphaz: yeah, good point... maybe he'll see it if he reviews all of it. :)
Quacky_McFuckface: She... and I did! :D
trouphaz: :)
| 9 | 9.666667 | |
1349997454 | 1350084013 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | zeldrak: TIFU by leaving the house door open.
This happened a couple of hours ago, and i'm still a bit nervous about all this. I'm what most would consider a hardcore gamer, and as most people into this, they usually cherish and collect their favorite games and such.
Today I skipped work because i woke up feeling like something had banged on my left side, hurting all over (ear infection, it's a reoccurring thing, I need to get this checked more often than not.) and decided to stay home and rest a bit more.
I stayed home all day and at about 6 my dad rolls around to pick me up to go to the ER to see what's going on with my ear. During the following hour and a half I spent on the ER to get this checked and pick up the prescription the doctor gave me, I get home and find some clothing on my porch, lying on the path to my entrance. My dog was feasting on some plastic bag and at first I thought it was just some kids who'd have thrown a bag of old clothing onto my yard.
As soon as I get up to my room though, things took a dire turn for me. I froze, looking baffled at what was right in front of me. My monitor was all crooked and the cables were off, and I look to the left and see this gaping hole where all my consoles were. Then it finally sunk into me: Someone robbed my house.
Shit Shit Shit! PS3, XBOX360, WII, a 6 month old PSVITA, my iPod Touch, my External Hard Drive, all of my PS3 games, and my ex GF's PSP were stolen. All of it within that 1 hour window.
I called the police but I am guessing this will never get solved. 2 years of part/full-time work all gone in 1 hour because TIFU.
What's really weird is, the clothes on the porch, they were from a bag I had with my ex-gf's stuff. They took the bag the clothes were in to take the stuff in there, left the clothes on the floor and went about their lives like nothing happened. I am pissed. Really pissed.
**TL;DR: Was sick, stayed home. 6PM went to doctor, left front door open, got my consoles stolen. TIFU.**
mook234: I get a sneaking suspicion it was your ex gf who did it.
zeldrak: she has MS and lives across the river, no chance.
mook234: you never know.. prolly really wanted her pap back lol.. I dunno
[deleted]: >PSP
FTFY
mook234: on an ipad so it autocorrects. .. hate that feature sometimes
[deleted]: Oh, okay.
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1350009845 | 1350032426 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | Greengirl15: TIFU-by saying yes to my ex boyfriend's friend.
Soooo, my ex and i broke up weeks ago, he has moved on and found a new person to try to date and i have not talked to him in a week. I moved on by this point. His friend asked me out and i liked him and we started to act like a couple lately, so i said yes. What a huge mistake, everything is good for me, but apparently m ex doesn't have this other chick like I thought and i got some pretty nasty messages from him today. Part of me feels bad, it isn't right to go out with an ex's friend, the other part of me thinks, if given the opportunity he would do the same thing....and he has. He was a huge ass, never showed emotion for me and i was just there for looks... and that part of me doesn't feel bad. However, things started to get weird when he begged for me back. I will never do this again. ever. What was I thinking?!
Ghost17088: You didn't fuck up, your ex is just a selfish ass with no regard for your emotional well being. If you like his friend, and he likes you, then his opinion doesn't matter.
Karatzillion: Amen brother!
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1350065715 | 1351471080 | null | t5_2to41 | 3,244 | ikma: TIFU and wiped my own shit on my face/lips.
**Backstory**
I have had a chest cold for a week, and have been coughing up big green gobs of flem. Last night, I drank far too much (I'm a [Pittsburgh Steelers](http://espn.go.com/blog/afcnorth/post/_/id/56584/rapid-reaction-steelers-titans) fan), and as a result I am hung over and having terrible beer-shits.
**Today**
So I am on the toilet, wiping, when I feel mucous rising in my throat. Without thinking, I cough into the tissue in my hand.
I smelled my mistake immediately. It was not a tissue, but a shit-laden wad of toilet paper. I had just rubbed shit all over my nose and lips. I had some on my teeth.
I coughed.
I vomited.
I cried a little.
I fucked up.
shitbread: So you got shitfaced two times. Congrats!
ssoass7: http://i.imgur.com/J0IJg.gif
isoceans: Kony, you smug bastard. ...
[deleted]: That's actually the guy from "Predator', you racist fuck.
VlkaFenryka: Waitttt. You mean Gary Coleman?
Deatheruption: eddie murphy, right??
Howlnwoof: T.C. from Magnum?
LuckyyDan: Pretty sure that's Denzel Washington.
Nik_the_Llama: Any black guy
| 10 | 324.4 | |
1350068056 | 1350425219 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | 1102throwaway: TIFU - well yesterday night. Awkwardness with a co-worker? Felt out of this world weird. Am I just clueless?
So I work in a restaurant and was closing late with a co-worker. Asked her if she wanted to get something to drink after work. It was around 1 AM at this point, and she said sure why not. I heard from other people that she was seeing another guy at work so I thought whatever we'll just go out and have a good time and relax.
The bar was cool, thought we both had a good time. Talked a lot and all that, then afterwords over a cigarette I asked her if she wanted to come over and smoke and I could drop her off at her place later.
So we take a cab to my house, still talking about lots of things including my ex gf with me telling her I still had feelings for her even though I had trust issues with her. She tells me that I should just break it off with her etc etc, that I'm making myself believe what I want to hear.
We get to my house and its empty, and we go to the basement to smoke. Get pretty high and start watching tv, then around 3 I say I'm tired and offer to drive her home.
This is when everything changed. I don't know what happened but we kept looking at each other and her mood seemed to change. I stand up and she slowly follows me. After this she isn't talking at all, just seems really creeped out. I try to talk to her on the way home and literally get no response. I ask her what's up, what happened, and she won't go into it. She's wasn't even talking to me on the ride home, just pointing at her gps to tell me where to go.
I have no idea what I did to make her feel like that. I've really never felt so damn weird before. I would ask her like, "Is there something you want to say, or want me to say?" to try and find out what happened and she would reply with something like "I have nothing to say."
I'm just confused as fuck as to what happened and what I did.
TLDR - Drank/smoked with a co-worker after work. Things got insanely weird when I wanted to go drop her off. Ended up not saying a word to me on the ride home, like eerie silence when asked questions.
JumpedAShark: My guess would be she realized that she might have trouble explaining to the guy she was seeing why she was at some other guy's house until 3am. I don't mean to say that it's bad that she was at your house until 3am, but some guys can get irrationally jealous and angry over these kinds of things. When you asked if she wanted a ride home, it's possible she was reminded of the guy she was seeing and had a wave of anxiety come over her.
I wouldn't worry too much, eventually this will either blow over, or you guys will have a conversation about it and realize it's not that big a deal.
redmosquito: Getting angry at a SO for being over at some dude from works house till 3AM is not irrational.
CandethMartine: Yes it is, if you had no other plans. Do you not trust your SO? If so, break up with them.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1350073372 | 1350133564 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | forgotmyfuckingname: TIFU by expressing my opinion.
*Backstory:* I live in an area where post-secondary schools breed like rabbits. There are seminaries, technical/"regular" colleges, universities, "high learning" institutes (high schools you pay/apply for), and regular high school. The one university is jokingly/lovingly referred to as a high school, especially by students from the other university, and those who don't see themselves ever going (I'm the latter).
One of my friends said that the one school had a zamboni driving course, so I used the high school joke, and said that they would have that as a course. When I said this, it was with a smile and a giggle in my voice, showing that it's a joke, and I don't actually believe that. My teacher hears that, and begins railing on me. I don't mean "FMFN, shut up and finish the note." I mean RAILING. He called me rude, ignorant, disrespectful, impulsive, and essentially told me to shut the fuck up because I drove him bat-shit insane and he couldn't stand me to begin with.
Then he brought his kids into it. His daughter is a really good lawyer, and she's bilingual. He credits this to her going to that school (which, by the way doesn't offer law, only pre-requisites for law school.). I credit her for being a hard core student, studying her ass off, and being a talented linguist. His son also studies there.
He basically is yelling to the whole class that his kids are talented as fuck, then tells me "It's a world- renowned university. Maybe next time you insult something, do your research first."
*What he doesn't know:* If he would have let me get a word in edge-wise, he would know that tons of my friends go to that school, including one who is becoming a paralegal; I really don't have a problem with the school, I just don't see myself there; I did consider the school for a while, until I found out it wasn't the best, and even students recommended I go else where; and most importantly I WAS JOKING!
*TL;DR- One of my teachers lost his shit at me because I said that a university wasn't very good. His kids go to that university.*
EDIT: Spelling
EVERYTHING WENT BETTER THAN EXPECTED: I've been adding more research to what I already knew about the school. It really does suck. In the top 1000 universities in the world it's in the bottom 20, the cost per year is really high, even for a Canadian school, it doesn't make top 50 for any major areas (ie. Arts & Humanities, Medical Sciences), and for the most part, the reviews of the school by officials, AND students/alumni are negative.
[deleted]: Never fucking regret expressing your opinion.
forgotmyfuckingname: It's hard not to when shit like this happens... -.-
[deleted]: Just tell him that you were joking. If she is a smart teacher - then she would just laugh and forget about this story. If she is not - well, fuck her, then.
EDIT: Gender change.
Maismonarch: I love this comment because the teacher changes genders...
[deleted]: Fuck.
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1350095707 | 1350235421 | t3_11e4vo | t5_2to41 | 17 | Majorfuckup: yeah I could try to get rid of the smell and say it was water? telling the dude it dropped in the toilet still wouldn't sound that great haha.. Thanks for the advice!
Moongrazer: You had all the clues... but failed to use them.
Say it with me now:
"My cat pissed on my laptop"
Majorfuckup: I can tell the computer dude the car story, but I don't own a cat, so I'm at a loss as to what I should tell me parents. they'd probably disown me if they found out.
[deleted]: Wash the laptop off (with battery out), then tell them you spilled water on it. If you dry it off water shouldn't do any further damage, and anyway it seems the damage is already done.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1350113644 | 1350191733 | null | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a cockroach run on my private areas...
So its about 1 in the morning, I was fapping while watching porn on my phone and then it all went to hell, if you have ever been to or lived in Hawaii you would know the cockroaches here are huge! Seriously google it! And apparently it enjoyed my phone, it being the only light in my room (don't know if thats the reason why it decided to show up, could it have been my heat or movement? If any of you know please share) and it decided it was going to take a trip on my naked body...to my dick...as this happened I flipped the fuck out, I knocked over alot of shit on my way to the light switch, I then turned the lights on and found that little fucker on my wall, I then proceeded to beat the shit out of it with the nearest book in sight ( a school text book fml) all the while I am doing this in the nude, after I finish killing it, it is safe to say my entire family is awake, so my mom runs in to see why I just went ape shit and this is what she sees: Her son naked, a dead giant cockroach on the floor, my school book covered in guts, most of my shit scattered around on the floor, and my phone streaming porn.
[Edit] Don't think I specified how I knew it was there, it crawled in my hair then onto my chest and then on the lower regions.
diewrecked: I always thought roaches feared lights?
You guys must have convict roaches.
[deleted]: I don't really know its motives as to crawling on my lower regions but I will not be sleeping tonight.
diewrecked: I'd sleep in my car until the industrial grade bug bombs I ordered from a former Soviet Bloc nation arrived. Even then, I'd still sleep in this [contraption](http://www.wolfhazmat.de/june2000/Working01.jpg).
Edit: formatting.
darthelmo: In Soviet Union, bug bombs *you!*
| 5 | 14.2 | |
1350103329 | 1350142623 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | Acthinian: Tifu... Sent the email to the wrong person
I work in a sales situation where I am a contractor working for a hotel special events department. They sell the rooms and I sell services in the rooms, specifically AV services. We have had a pain in the ass client who likes to Use all caps to express her concerns. We got one of these messages this morning and it was nasty. I went to send an email to my partner who had been the recipient of the email, that said "wow-how rude is this email!"
I pushed send and realized that I had sent it to our client instead of my partner! I tried to find the recall button. But I don't think that has ever worked! Oh sh>|#{%}.
Long story short I had to call the client and play it off that I didn't think that my partner was treating the situation right, but I was calling her to tell her to please disregard my email, cause I obviously had no right to get involved. Then I had to go tell my partner how I had screwed up. Boy, did I feel like a full-on idiot!
The good thing though is that now the client believes that I am on her side against the hotel that I work for and has opened up about some things that are making this business flow easier.
[deleted]: miraculous recovery.
Acthinian: Didn't feel that way... I walked around for a while and called myself
my new 'moniker' "Full-On Idiot Packed in Ice"
| 3 | 11 | |
1350139741 | 1350197647 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,904 | [deleted]: TIFU I met a girl and cummed all over her face, after asking her full name I realized she was my cousin
We've litterally met only 2 or three times in christmas parties when we were like 6 years old now im 30. We "met" in a party and shared a couple of drinks never realizing we already knew each other. A couple of hours later one thing led to another, short story is that we ended upstairs in a room making out when this happends.
So now what!?
nofuckingspoon_ahole: Lookie here, this is our wtf box. So, we gonna take the memories of splattering her face and put them in the box. We gonna close this box, and we gonna throw this bitch in the ocean.
[deleted]: There is cum in the box, right?
I_Fuck_Pigs: Every. Damn. Thread.
[deleted]: Hey, it's a requirement.
Just like the jolly ranchers and Doritos I can never look at the same again!
iUsedtoHadHerpes: I know why Jolly Ranchers, but I don't want you to tarnish my love of Doritos.
[deleted]: Well some dude had to go check up on some fat lady and found her naked eating doritos dipped in mozzarella cheeze-like vaginal juices with a disturbing smile on her face.
You're welcome :)
swashbutler: I just made the angriest face, and shuddered, and grimaced. Can I... can I have a link?
xitlhooq: [Have a nice read.](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/u6ocu/whats_your_favorite_wtf_did_i_just_read/c4ss3sz)
Mnawab: [omg, omg, omg, im done. that all the reddit i can take for now.](http://i.imgur.com/ZVua6.gif)
[deleted]: I didn't think I'd be able to laugh after reading that. Thank you.
| 11 | 173.090909 | |
1350146429 | 1350430688 | null | t5_2to41 | 94 | novanerd: TIFU and beat up a guy at my high school football game
So yesterday was my homecoming game at my high school, it was the game of the week for the area. I went there to hang out with some people I know, including this girl that I know and that I've been crushing on for a while. We're all hanging out near the snack bar, and this group of guys from the other high school come up, and start acting all suspicious. One of them pulls out baby powder, which they used for throwing in the air when their team ran on the field. He comes up, and throws it on the girl, and it gets all over her face and in her eyes. She gets all mad at this, and she tells everyone that someone needs to go over and tell those guys to stop. So I go over, as all the other guys I was with wouldn't do it, and tell them to cut it out cause they are being assholes. They say fine, and apologize. I think it's all fine, and I go over to rejoin my friends. She tells me thanks, and I think it's over.
20 minutes later, the guy comes back and does the same thing again. This time, I go up to him, and get in his face and made him go apologize to this girls face. Which he does, but then he gives me a look as he walks away. I didn't think much of it at the time.
15 minutes later, it's halftime. My friends and I are standing by the snack bar, and I see this guy walking back over with like 6 of his friends. He comes up to me and starts cussing me out, calling me a little bitch and asking me what my problem is. (In hindsight he might have been a little drunk). I tell him he's being a douche and that he needed to back up and get out of my face. He shoves me. I shove him back. He swings at me, and I block it and elbow him in the head. He tries to tackle me, but fails. I out him in a headlock, and start punching him in the side of the head. He tries punching me in the side, but misses most of the hits and the rest don't even faze me. He pushes me up against a wall as I'm hitting him, and causes me to miss and hit him with the wrong knuckles. I shift him, and start raining punches on his side and kidneys. He goes down to his knees, and starts trying to push me back. I keep hitting him, until his friends come over and pull me off of him. As I'm pulled off, I lose my balance and hit my knee on a rock, and cut it open. The other guys pick up their friend, who is unsteady and holding his side, and apologize for friend and what he did, and walk away. All the people I was with agree I was right, and did nothing wrong. Now, the girl says she wants to hang out and thank me for standing up to assholes, and I know what that means. Still, I feel bad about fighting, and I don't like violence. But I know what I did was right, and that I have the moral high ground here. I'm just lucky none of the 15 cops there saw the fight and that the guy didn't like have a knife or anything. My parents haven't found out yet, and I'm not sure if the admin at the school knows about what happened. We'll see if I do end up in trouble for the incident.
TL;DR: I got in a fight because some guys were being douchebags to the girl I like, and I might be in trouble come Monday at school or with my parents if they find out.
UPDATE: ended up having sex with that girl after homecoming last night, so I guess I didn't fuck up after all
Liberal2Hearts: How did you fuck up?
novanerd: Because I feel bad about fighting, and I think the girl is mad at me for it for some reason because she isn't texting me back now.
thebornotaku: Dude, you're in high school. I wish I had gotten in MORE fights. Also remember: High school pussy ain't worth shit, regardless of what people may say
[deleted]: I confirm this statement .
[deleted]: Two times confirmed.
baconball: Three times confirmed.
| 7 | 13.428571 | |
1350140761 | 1350163145 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | tdesparza: TIFU by drinking and driving through my neighbors fence/totaling my car and getting a DUI
Went out for dinner and some drinks with some friends, had no intention of driving home or leaving the area but drunk me had different plans. Almost made it home until I took the corner to my house to fast and hit my neighbors fence. Freaked out and drove off only to be picked up by the police a few blocks away. Car is ruined, as is my face. Not sure what happens next, hopefully my life isn't ruined for this. Don't drink and drive kids, its not worth it at all.
meldium: As someone who is still dealing with the repercussions of a 2 year old DUI, its gonna be a long road man.
Do yourself a favor and get a good lawyer and a bicycle.
tdesparza: thanks man, hope everything surrounding that is working out for the better for you.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1350158394 | 1350266797 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | Chester_Snapdragon: TIFU by drinking from my brother-in-law's chew bottle
So I was in the car with my brother-in-law and we were about to go pick up my sister from work. I had a bottle of tea and he had a bottle he was using to spit his tabbacco into. The cup holders in their car are broken so we just set by ourselves. Well I guess they got mixed up durin the sharp turns; so I went to get a drink of my tea and grabbed the bottle closest to me. I realized right away that it was the wrong bottle, but it was too late I had already swallowed the damn sip I had taken. The taste was horrific and I threw up almost immediately. Next time I'm holding my bottle in my lap.
gth68: When I first started dipping, I liked berry blend. Well, one time, I'm taking a lip out and had grape soda to wash out the little bit left. So I go to take a drink of it and even smelled it. Soon as it hit my lips I knew I had made a horrible mistake. So warm and viscous....
Rock_or_Something: Oh man, I read "berry blend" and I could smell it. My stomach turned.
Time for some Cope.
fontimus_maximus: A teammates spit bottle of this spilled on an activity bus on the way to a football game and got all over our equipment. I know this smell too well.
Rock_or_Something: Noooooo! Not on gear! All that surface area to diffuse the toxic odor even better.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1350115353 | 1350268711 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | thehalfstyle: TIFU by drinking alot without eating...at all
DQEight: gonna need a better explanation...
thehalfstyle: I woke up later than expected, missed breakfast. Had meetings all day, skipped lunch. Then I met up with my favorite bartender at one of my favorite bars, and proceeded to get SMASHED. Little did I realize that 6 fairly strong Whisky+Sours or Gin & Tonics and random shots some person bought me I was running on E, as in Empty Stomach. Yeah, that night didn't end with my head in a toilet bowl... but I felt it the next morning, or rather this morning.
| 3 | 1 | |
1350186984 | 1350228978 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | dkaeone: TIFU and had sloppy drunk sex and popped an eardrum.
So I was hooking up with a girl I had very recently met via a friend, we were both WASTED, and things were gettin pretty hot n heavy, when she asked "can I slap you?"
Figuring that it wouldn't be TOO bad, I said "Sure" and she slapped me lightly, and it did feel pretty hot. Then she slapped me again, a little harder. Still no worries. Then she slapped the side of my head like I had called her mother a whore.
Ear ringing, I was actually dizzy from that last slap! [keep in mind, I can take a hit. I've been doing MMA training for a couple months now.] Being wasted, we both really didn't think much of it and continued on.
Fast forward to right now, and I can feel that little woosh of air flow coming into my ear, I can barely hear out of my ear, and I'm planning on going to the doctor tomorrow.
Hugo_Says_Hi: It's not good sex unless someone has to go to the doctor afterwords.
thisguynamedjoe: "So, how exactly did you break your leg again?" Doesn't matter, had olympic style sex.
dkaeone: in all honesty the sex was AMAZING, which is why I didn't mind the whole slapping thing.
| 4 | 21.5 | |
1350193784 | 1350225709 | null | t5_2to41 | 195 | [deleted]: TIFU: left neighbors dead cat in amazon.com box
Ever wish you had done something differently?
I was watching a cat for a really nice old couple, which amounts to putting out food and water once a day. Today I found the cat dead on the side of the road, so I picked it up with a towel and put the wrapped up cat in a good side box, an old amazon.com box. Then I left the box outside their garage door with intention of calling them in the morning before they got back from their trip and explaining my unfortunate find. This seemed kinder then calling tonight and ruining their outing.
So a little after midnight my phone rings and I suddenly realize the old couple came home early, and worse... I realize they must have wondered what amazon had shipped. Yikes!
I can only imagine how that must have played out as they dug through the box and unwrapped their dead cat, which I'll just say was in pretty bad shape.
tl;dr bad news does not get better with age
edit: yes, it was (ahem) an outside cat and I had nothing to do with it's death. Where I messed up is almost killing the poor old couple with my gift from amazon.
Can you imagine them trying to process that situation? They are in their 80's, with serious medical conditions, drove a long way late at night, and find an (evil) smiling amazon. By the way, the cat was wrapped in a towel inside the otherwise empty box, but I pretty sure the smell alone must have been a WTF moment...
Went to say I'm sorry but they are church, the evil amazon box is now on their back deck awaiting burial I assume.
edit 2: I caught up with them and apologized, they were really upset about the cat itself but otherwise pretty cool about the package from amazon. As we talked about it however I learned I had the dates wrong and they actually left town a day early, so now I can't help but wonder if the hungry cat was crossing the road looking for food?
So I fessed up that maybe I did in fact have something to do with the death and again they were pretty cool about it, only one passing comment was made about how if they had not left town.... :'(
Darkstrategy: "Margaret, must be one of them electronic book thingamjigs you ordered last week. Ehhh, why'd you even bother!? You're half blind anyway, these LSD screens are all horrible. I miss the days when a book meant flipping through some good 'ol paper, treasuring your $.10 paperback."
"OOOOOH. OOOOHHHHH. MITTENS!? MY HEART... -----------------------"
astro-slut: LSD screens?
Zeroman64: They're old. Can you blame them for not keeping up with these newfangled doohickeys?
| 4 | 48.75 | |
1350210252 | 1350275864 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | MilkShip: TIFU by smoking my first cigar, inhaling the smoke and almost throwing up.
One of my friends was like, "you're not meant to inhale the smoke". Oops.
thetoastmonster: TIL I really don't understand smoking, at all.
Kozimix: Cigars are smoked for the flavour. This flavour is appreciated both through the smoke and the part of the cigar that is in the mouth. Seeing as there are no tastebuds in the lungs, and due to the large burning surface area of the end of a cigar, inhaling cigar smoke does not aid in flavour development and appreciation, but in fact aids in destroying your lungs.
Cigarettes are smoked for the small high you get from the chemicals in them and sating an addiction. The flavour of the cigarette is negligible and often not of great concern when one has recently awoken from a hefty night on the town, and the brain refuses to process any information until it has eked out a tiny amount of dopamine and serotonin brought on by releasing nicotine into the bloodstream. The best way to do this is to inhale the cigarette smoke into the lungs, rather than just puffing on the cigarette.
excited_by_typos: I've inhaled cigars and man do they buzz. Cigarettes are pussy shit compared to that. Of course you can only really get it the first couple times, after which it's pointless to inhale.
Kozimix: Yeah I've heard they hit you pretty hard. Joe Rogan talked about it a little on his show with Maynard Keenan.
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1350218828 | 1350322806 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,121 | mlg131: TIFU by sticking it in the wrong hole
Just two weeks after first watching the parody video of the same topic I suffered the same fate myself, but with very different consequences.
Im in Asia at the moment, travelling alone. I went to a bar last night and after a few beers ended up talking to an american girl. We went back to my hotel and had sex. However, I was very drunk at this time and didnt even notice when she slipped it in her back door while riding on top of me.
I didnt realise until after I finished, I went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. When I looked down I was shocked; it was covered with 'brown'.
The girl left shortly after and I immediately checked my bed. The sheets, the doona cover and one of the pillows even, where all also tainted with 'brown'.
It was actually 9ish in the morning at this point so after a thorough scrubbing in the shower I stopped off to request new bedding at reception. I even left the forever unclean bedding in a pile on the floor for the cleaners.
However upon returning to my hotel in the afternoon my room had not been cleaned. I didnt worry about it too much at the time. Until the cleaners came in. I was still in the room when they were changing the bedding. It was so embarrassing. I could not look at them at all. And the worst part, as i was condidering jumping from the balcony just to get away from there I saw it, the empty condom wrapper. FML
NAMASTE_BITCHES: Just saying, if you didn't smell it, it might have been old period blood. :)
mlg131: Yeah im not sure. Would it be brown? I didnt get any on my face when i went down on her
NAMASTE_BITCHES: Old blood can be brown, like towards the end of the period. Obviously it wouldn't smell like shit.
Also, since blood doesn't come from the clit, it would be possible to not get any on your face when you went down on her. (Although that would be surprising, since the blood tends to smear around the whole vulva.)
mlg131: I think its very unlikely it was blood. I used my fingers as well when i went down so i would have got some on me.
Mostly_me: Sometimes only the last bits of leftover get "shaken out" by a good pounding... Not much happens when it is just fingers.
[deleted]: TIL I'm gay.
Mostly_me: If you find hearing about it disgusting, try living with it! ;)
SheiraTiireine: Isn't it just SO FUN to be a woman . . .
Azartic: Your species just needs to evolve to be able to control periods.
TXTMSGirlfriend: That's what birth control is for.
Azartic: Does that help with periods? Sorry, I'm pretty ignorant on birth control I always (Jokingly) pictured it as a bunch of AA cannons shooting down incoming sperm. Not actually affecting. . Cycles?
TXTMSGirlfriend: That's okay, a lot of people don't bother to look into it (especially men) because whatever, as long as no one's getting pregnant, who cares about the science of it? Simply put, there are 21 hormone pills and seven "blanks" or sugar pills. During that seven days is when a woman gets her period. However, if she skips the blanks and goes straight to the next pack of pills, no period that month!
Azartic: Huh. . interesting.
But is it a bad thing to skip said period? from the little I've heard of periods the mass consensus is they're fucking terrible. Every month.
TXTMSGirlfriend: No, there typically isn't a problem with it. Sometimes there's a little cramping in the week you're supposed to get it, but other than that most women are fine. They make a shot that you can take as well that a nurse has to inject for you and that one makes you skip your period for about three months at a time.
Azartic: Fuckin' science man--- Woman.
TXTMSGirlfriend: Indeed. The part that'll really get you though is that they're now developing a non-hormonal male birth control pill! They've just tested it on mice and have seen successful results. Human testing should come soon if it hasn't already.
Azartic: Nice. It's only fair.
I saw a picture a while back saying "Why isn't there birth control pills for men? It makes more sense to unload a gun then shoot a bulletproof vest"
Made me laugh :P
TXTMSGirlfriend: Haha! That's great!
| 19 | 59 | |
1350233564 | 1350291976 | null | t5_2to41 | 243 | Ronry: TIFU By not clearing my Phone's Search History before Church (possibly NSFW)
Last night and the other day, I was looking up porn on my phone. Usually, I'm the only one that uses my phone, so I tend to neglect the "clear history" button. Today I didn't want to go to church because I strongly oppose their anti-lgbt stance, but my mom convinced me to come. She was trying to find a certain verse but couldn't remember the numbers, so she asked to use my phone to look it up. About 30 seconds later, she gave me a strange look and pointed at the "recent queries" drop down list, which clearly said "free gay porn."
Edit: after looking at the search history, I found out she was pointing at the query directly below what I had thought. "Tentacle porn."
FML
trouphaz: sooo... [the words "free gay porn" now make an item NSFW?](http://qkme.me/3rc2h5)
Ronry: No, but someone might share a similar story in more detail.
Josheva: You're making "NSFW" mean nothing.
Ronry: I'm just thinking about if I was at work and my boss came and read over my shoulder.
Josheva: NSFW is when someone can instantly see that you're up to no good without trying to, such as loud noises or graphic images. If you notice that text is inappropriate for work, you can quickly get rid of it before anyone is the wiser. The only way you might get in trouble for it is if your boss is sitting there specifically watching your screen to see what you do.
Like I said, you're making NSFW mean nothing.
Ronry: You sound like my ex. "But if you use birth control, you don't need a condom."
Personally, I do not consider this Nsfw. Other people might.
Editted autocarrot
Josheva: When you abuse the signs they become meaningless. Then what's the point of having them in the first place?
Let's say someone invented a nice beverage that became significantly dangerous when exposed to alcohol. Can you imagine how much warning they'd have to put on that so that people would actually take note? That's from overuse of warning labels.
Ronry: I didn't try to put the label on it, I just titled it as such and it automatically labeled it. This is why I said "possibly." If you ever work with a medical company, you can see the steps they take to avoid law suits, no matter how unlikely.
elcablam: The dude's just pissy cause he wanted to see some tits.
mackattack1015: Ran out of overused fap material.
| 11 | 22.090909 | |
1350242740 | 1350243420 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: NO MORE FELIX POST's
ENOUGH ALREADY!
Naphthos: you don't need the apostrophe.
[deleted]: yea i noticed that after the post. habit.
Naphthos: I grambushed you. Sorry.
[deleted]: no worries, it sticks out like a sore thumb
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1350234428 | 1350502183 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | failsandfacepalms: TIFU by using a super hold glue stick as lip stick.
I was babysitting my younger siblings today while they were doing crafts. I had to get ready to go to dinner really fast so I grabbed what I thought was lipstick. Not looking, I smother it all over my lips. When I tried rubbing my lips together, they began to stick and I didn't know why. I looked in the mirror to find my lips stuck together by glue. It was a very painful experience.
oohlala2747: Dude, that sucks...and sounds terrifying :/ did your lips just eventually become unstuck, or did you have to gruesomely pull apart your lips? This makes me think of that one scene in the remake of The House of Wax where a dude super glues this girl's lips together. Good movie, if you haven't seen it.
doomgiver98: Depending on the grade of glue, it could actually be grounds for calling the people who deal with chemicals. Like if you swallowed bleach. I forget the name of the division that does it. I suck.
Warm_Kitty: How would they call for help if their lips were stuck together?
doomgiver98: Someone could call for them.
Warm_Kitty: how would they tell them to call for help?
doomgiver98: They have eyes.
Warm_Kitty: What if they lived alone?
doomgiver98: >I was babysitting my younger siblings today while they were doing crafts. I had to get ready to go to dinner really fast so
Implies she was with other people.
Warm_Kitty: I was being hypothetical ...
doomgiver98: I was not.
Warm_Kitty: I am aware.
| 12 | 4.416667 | |
1350227534 | 1350323491 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | soviet1924: TIFU by dropping my laptop
Shattered the LCD. $50 screen has already been ordered, but that's money I don't have. And I also have to install the thing in my dorm room. All because I have butterfingers and it slipped out of my hands.
[deleted]: Look up youtube videos of replacing the LCD on your exact model of laptop. You may need a heat gun & adhesives.
soviet1924: I've found them and a manual from Lenovo (think pads ftw) but its a really involved process
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1350260243 | 1350305105 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | failsandfacepalms: TIFU by telling myself I just need a break from homework and then going on reddit...
I was bored and I didn't want to type my paper anymore so I took a "little" break on reddit. I think the rest is pretty self explanatory...
rmm45177: Same here, that is why I'm up at 5 in the morning.
And I'm back on reddit again.
[deleted]: TIL: that we all suffer from ADD and need adderall.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1350286409 | 1350428995 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | painsinbut: TIFU after going on a walk
So tonight I was in an emotionally unstable state after being away from home for a few weeks without being able to contact my family due to the fact i lost my phone charger. So it is about midnight or so, and I decided that I would go for a walk around my college campus for a bit. To my surprise, it is raining outside, it's one of those nasty cold rains too that does nobody any good. I make my way up to a tree covered area and then I just let loose, took my 300$ phone out of my pocket which i got 3 days ago, and just smashed it on the ground into a million itsy bitsy peices. At this point all I can think is "well fuck" because now I just wasted one month of phone service as well as a brand new phone. I then proceed to a cookie store, get a chocolate chip cookie with milk, walk back to my dorm, take a shower, and get on reddit.
THEFR0NTPAGE: you dumb fuck, you could have given the phone to me. Bet it was a iPhone 5
painsinbut: actually it was an iphone 4 :p
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1350299158 | 1350350993 | null | t5_2to41 | 115 | matty22mlw: TIFU...Dropped my brand new phone in the loo
So id had this old blackberry for ages, finally got an upgrade, got that new Samsung galaxy phone, really nice phone. As usual i was late to meet a mate at the gym, and rushed out with all my stuff....
So i finally get there, bottle, phone, keys, iPod etc in my hands, failing to hold them all because of course i forgot to put the shorts on with pockets in....anyway, due to the rush i didn't have time to go to the toilet, so i went in the gym, well u can guess what the gym toilets are like yes? so i though lets hold my stuff, couldnt hold it all and 'aim' at the same time, so phone went in my mouth.....Now then redditors, the Samsung galaxy is a very slippery phone and cant be held with the teeth. obviously there as a loud plop and it was in the toilet, now i have the dilemma do i fish it out....The answer was yes :s....and no the phone doesn't work :(
stevefigjam: Rice, put it in rice... or the oven? The oven worked for me! Good Luck!
matty22mlw: oven? what temp lol?
ye i tried the rice thing....
darpho: Rice works wonders, will get the moisture right out of it.
RobinHoodRat: Yes it works but he needs to leave it in there for a few days to get out all the moisture.
DkryptX: Pull the battery out.
FiveVidiots: If its the new S3's, I believe they took the iPhone route and the battery is internal and can't be removed.
| 7 | 16.428571 | |
1350318771 | 1350321340 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by creep shooting my hot classmate.
My classmate have the hottest ass I have ever seen. Every time I think about her ass the only thing I can do is rubbing my dick, imagining that my cock comes inside her butt. So I have decided to take a pic of her ass to fap to. And It was fine, until a day when I have decided to give my phone to another classmate, because he was bored and wanted to play Angry Birds. He have checked Gallery instead. Oh well, now everyone know that I am a creep. Thanks God that girl was not in class back then.
shitsickle: We need the picture... For reasons
[deleted]: Sorry, my phone screen is broken.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1350319330 | 1350321044 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | theaggressivenapkin: TIFU by flashing a couple female tourists a dick pic on my phone.
I was walking toward Michigan Ave in Chicago to check out the recently opened Nike store, when two attractive asian girls approached me asking where LaSalle street was. Having not lived here long, I opened my phone to search for the street. I had just recently listened to the new [death grips](http://ivacationinyourhell.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/news-12-09-death-grips-no-love-cover.jpg) album, and that picture popped up as soon as I opened my phone.
Casually played it off but they seemed to enjoy the interaction as they laughed to each other hilariously as we parted ways.
dc789: Should have just shown the real thing.
theaggressivenapkin: Hold on ladies, let me show you my private photostream...
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1350322936 | 1350325361 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | swan-ronson: TIFU by accidentally sending a sort of embarrassing text.
ashishkum: so..u you asked the guy out but he didnt say anything?
swan-ronson: he said nothing... and he's with me (I'm at school now) acting normal. I don't know whats going on if he didn't see it or what.
ashishkum: either he is dumb or he is too shy to talk
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1350322792 | 1350340984 | null | t5_2to41 | 978 | Dammitlemon: TIFU by splashing a Baby with hot coffee at work and "laughing" about it.
So I work at a diner as a busser/hostess and I have a nervous smile when things go wrong at work because I have no clue how to react. Anyways a large table of about 10 people came in, they had a baby and sat it on one end of the table. . To clarify, this was not on purpose nor could I have prevented it, but this is what happened...
I took their drink order and went to just get all the coffees first. Once I came back it was all going fine until I got to the end with the baby. I had about 3 cups of coffee on my tray left and was about to hand them out when I saw the kid staring at my tray. He reached up for it and pulled it down towards himself. I managed to maneuver the tray so the cups didn't fall off onto it's head, but some of it still splashed onto his arm and face. Needless to say, i felt like I deserved to die. I injured a 6 month(ish) old baby.
The worst of it was the father of the kid told my manager I was LAUGHING as I walked away to get ice and my boss. No. Fuck that guy. I still feel like shit, and probably always will, even though it's not my fault what so ever. The parents also put ice on the burn right away so the babies skin ended up looking worse than it actually was because you're not supposed to put ice on burns right away.
Ugh. Parents
**TL;DR** I was handing out coffee to a big ass table and the baby sitting at the end grabbed my tray toward itself, I managed to catch the tray before it fell on the baby's head Once the Dad told me to get ice and my manager, I had a nervous smile because I have no clue how to react at work when things go wrong. Needless to say, the parents wanted to rip my head off and feed it to a bunch of termites.
EDIT: Thanks, Reddit. I've learned a few things:
*NEVER carry trays next to a baby.
* I should learn to control my nervous laughter.
* Parents can't help being assholes to teenagers when it comes to their child.
* Babies kind of suck, so I don't have to hold onto my guilt for too long.
**Update:** If anyone cares, my mom bought me chocolate to feel better. She knows the feels because she was a waitress.
kllr: If they see their kid is going to do something like that, the parents should have done something.
Dammitlemon: The mom tried to reach for his hand, but it was too late. The dad was just a fucking douche bag.
scnavi: I'm going to tell you, not to defend the father's mean actions, but I currently have a 7 week old, and I can tell you the dad was scared that something happened to his baby, that's why he was acting like a douche, he was covering his fear with anger.
That protection instinct man, let me tell ya.
Dammitlemon: Oh no, I get it, if some stupid teenager spilled coffee on my child I would want to shit on their face.
mockingod: I believe you mean piss on their face. To assert dominance.
Cylinsier: Shitting one someone's face doesn't assert dominance?
mockingod: Pissing on one's face asserts more dominance.
Dammitlemon: Anyone can piss on someone's face, it takes a real dominant person to get their poop projectiled at the angle needed to get in on someone's face.
WASH_YOUR_VAGINA: The problem with doing that is that some people might enjoy it!
Dammitlemon: I don't see the problem with that at all.
Puppy_stomper: /thread
| 12 | 81.5 | |
1350339902 | 1350884346 | null | t5_2to41 | 134 | Quick11: TIFU by dropping my iPhone in the toilet while trying to take a picture of my poop
Yeah I guess that's what I get for trying to text pictures of my poop to my Roomate. I had to use BBQ tongs to get it out.
blueskin: There are two "phone in toilet" posts on the same page &#3232;\_&#3232;
Is it really that common?
charliedouglas123: You'd be surprised how often I see Facebook posts from girls (it always seem to be girls) who dropped their phone down the toilet.
I'm going to assume OP is a dude as I can't imagine a girl sending a photo of her shit to a friend.
FaKeShAdOw: No, you're right.
I've seen MORE photos sent by girls... of their bloody period pads and tampon aftermath.
It was very educational because it taught many men that there are triangle pads for thongs, too.
ordona: >It was very educational because it taught many men that there are triangle pads for thongs, too.
TIL, without even needing to see such a photo.
FaKeShAdOw: Furthermore, I remember a girl who posted a picture of her silicone menstrual cup as an alternative to tampons/pads. It ended up educating all the other women in the thread of its trashless existence, so win-win even if it was gross.
SuperNinKenDo: It's just blood...
FaKeShAdOw: Yes. Well, it's old blood technically and sometimes clumps of dark matter is why it grosses people out. The smell it leaves after it oxidizes combined with genital sweat is also unlike regular blood drying.
And that is why you do not eat out the red river when it's BROWN AND HER PERIOD IS AT THE END. And sex would feel kinda dry for somebody.
SuperNinKenDo: Yeah, but, we're not talking about eating out a woman with old period blood. We're talking about a picture of a silicone menstrual cup.
FaKeShAdOw: I don't find it gross, I think it's pretty awesome to see the little mL markings on those cups to see exactly how much strawberry jam a woman makes :V
Other people disagree with me~
SuperNinKenDo: >even if it was gross.
That's why I'm saying it's not gross. If you think so too, I dunno why you said it, but whatever. All good.
FaKeShAdOw: Oh, most people weren't present in the thread I was in when they were making those blood posts though.
Girls were slathering their period blood all over their faces and tits, not just showing it off, so the silicone menstrual cups were understandably messy. :B
SuperNinKenDo: They were.... They were what...?
FaKeShAdOw: Special service chan threads with pretty ladies in the past, y'know.
SuperNinKenDo: Incredible...
| 15 | 8.933333 | |
1350351178 | 1350889446 | null | t5_2to41 | 242 | kristafer825: TIFU by lighting myself on fire... Twice.
I wanted to have some relaxing lady times in a nice warm bath. So I light some candles, throw on some music and get the water running. I step in to test the temperature, when I feel myself start to slip in the bathtub. Shit i'm clumsy. Well as I'm reaching down to catch myself, my hair dangles into the flame of a candle and I see half my field of vision go up in flames. Good thing I am in water, I just reach down and throw some on my flaming hair. At this point it smells like burnt hair, a truly awful odor, despite the fact that I have about 15 scented candles around me. Anyway I am not on fire anymore so I relax a little bit and eventually lay down in the bathtub. Just as my head hits something glassy and warm I remember that there was another candle back there. There goes another flame - rinse, repeat.
Obscure_Pun: Can you post the affect it had on your hair?
kristafer825: It singed a front section of my hair pretty good (it's pretty noticeable). The back part seems ok. But the ends get all black and curled and smell like butthole after your hair has been on fire
zuzah: Lol, I remember that smell. My dick of a brother lit me on fire. He was playing around with a spraycan and a lighter, and he turned it on me, and I lost my eyebrows for a good 3 weeks, and the front part of my hair. I was god damn 11, and I could rub the dry-yellowy-burnt hair off of my eyebrows.
WinterCharm: wait. lighting people on fire only warrants being called a dick?
well fuck. gotta step up my game!
I kid. I kid. I'm too nice to engage in such nefarious incendiary activities.
zuzah: My brother wasn't. Isn't, is the correct word.
| 6 | 40.333333 | |
1350351394 | 1350435949 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking around with a strip of toilet paper tucked into my waistband like it was a tail.
I did my usual morning routine at school in the morning... when to my horror I discovered this piece of TP just hanging in my waistband. This was several hours later towards the end of school. Nobody saw it, or they did in fact in see it and neglected to inform me.
Yea I felt like a jackass. I'm very quiet and standoffish at school because people just aren't my thing. Maybe I deserved it?
Rehab_Barbie: Most people are superficial and likely did not notice. I'm assuming you are in high school? Cause kids can be aholes and probably would have been teasing you if they had noticed or carde. :) Consider yourself lucky for getting through the day without having to hear any shit about it.
You certainly did not deserve it.
diewrecked: College... I'm old and crotchety.
Nevertheless, no way to live down a toilet paper tail.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1350342761 | 1350498556 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | ConstableOdo: TIFU by typing my password incorrectly twice.
So I was changing my password today to (accurate representation but not the actual password) 8pTJgQuA... That's all well and good. It is something I can remember because the real password means something.
So I was in a hurry. I was typing fast because I had to leave in two minutes time and..... I typed it wrong... Twice. Once in the "New Password" line and once in the "Confirm password" line. I might be fucked because my bank says there is nothing they can do, being a small credit union. Fuck.
FaKeShAdOw: They really cannot just reset your password?
ConstableOdo: Not according to them. I am going through all the possible errors but I get locked out for an hour every four attempts.
funkymunniez: There is someone that can reset it and whoever you're talking to is a moron. Find their supervisor and ask again or ask who manages their online systems and they will be able to help.
ConstableOdo: I brute forced it after a number of lockouts. I never really thought about how many permutations there could be but... well... that's over now.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1350413071 | 1350426234 | null | t5_2to41 | 183 | OM617: TIFU by getting arrested for drunk driving, and I wasn't even the one driving
So I was having a typical night out at the bar with some friends when we noticed the time and decided to hit the store before 2am. Due to some brilliant feat of ingenuity (read: duct tape), my friend's car happened to have a rear view mirror hanging off when we pulled into the local Circle K with only moments to spare to get our hands on more booze. Two of us get out and go inside only to be approached by a very unhappy police officer. "You two, outside, now" he says. Asshole didn't even let me buy the case of beer I was holding.
Anyway, now outside, he has all three of us sitting on the curb. He asks where we're coming from, who's car it is etc... the standard bullshit. For some unknown reason I'm the one answering most of the questions he's asking us. I was completely honest about having just come from the bar, and how much I had to drink. Not that it wasn't already blatantly apparent, I'm quite sure he could smell the booze on me. He then asks who was driving, and in my infinite wisdom I pipe up and say "I was."
Now, I was in fact not the one driving. I wasn't even trying to be nice and cover anyone's ass. I had driven us TO the bar, and I was so drunk I assumed I driven to the store as well. At this point I have no doubt in my mind that I'm going to jail. He ask's if I'd be willing to take a field sobriety test, which I agreed to. Big fucking mistake... It probably didn't help that I was smiling the whole time this was going on because I knew how badly I was failing. Yeah, totally blew it. Breathalyzer? Ha, don't even remember having it done but was told about it. I imagine the officer was pretty shocked to see that I was able to stand or speak clearly.
He puts me in the back of his car. Fuck, it's finally happening, I'm getting what I deserve for all the dumb shit I've done. I wasn't even mad, I'm going to spend the night in jail, big deal. Are they going to take my license away? Oh that's right, I don't even drive my own car anyway.
At this point, one of my friends starts playing the crying girl card. I would love to explain exactly how hilarious this was but I don't really recall much of what was said other than her lying and saying I was her boyfriend, then following that up with asking the cop if he was single.
Turns out he didn't actually see us driving at all. He had pulled in and noticed the mirror. Then noticed we were drunk... At some point this gets brought to the cop's attention, and he ends up letting me go and tells us we can walk home.
But wait, it gets better. My friends asks if she can get her keys out of the car (they weren't even in the car, otherwise I WOULD have been going to jail...). He says he can't let her get back in the car, but he'll grab them. When he opens the door he notices a half finished Fosters in the cup holder, turns around with it and yells "REALLY?". Good thing he didn't see the three pint glasses that were on the floor too.
Long story short, I was arrested for DUI and by some fucking miracle he lets us all off with nothing but a lecture about the dangers of drunk driving.
OM617: Yeah, thanks for the life advice. We fucked up, which is why I posted this in TIFU.
Again, I DIDN'T and don't drive drunk. I'm not saying I never have and if anyone is claiming that they've never got behind the wheel or at the very least ridden with someone who has been drinking you're probably full of shit... I was drunk enough to think I had driven when I didn't so I was obviously in no condition to make an assessment on the sobriety of the actual driver.
S-is-DA-BES: This comment is being downvoted by people lying to themselves - do yourself a favour and add an **edit:** I don't condone drunk driving and my friend who was driving was *maybe* just over the limit (which is about a beer and hour)
OM617: Truth, and while I don't condone drunk driving, if I said she was maybe just over the limit I would be lying. We were definitely drinking for sport. Bring the hatred yous, at least I'm honest.
S-is-DA-BES: Haha, well seriously then, don't do that. Even if you think you arent going to kill anyone because you can 'see' fine, think about a random roadside screening and having to pay 500$ a month for insurance for 6 years after lawyer fees.
I knew a guy who got arrested for drinking and driving, on his own property, in a car that he wasn't driving, just taking the key out after the parking break failed and it went into a fence. He was acquitted legally, but his insurance wouldn't go down as he still had been simply "charged" with D&D.
And then there is also my brothers friend who was killed by a drunk driver as well. Not cool when a 22yr old looses his life cuz some bitch wanted to drive back from a lil'wayne concert instead of grabbing a cab
OM617: Well, the drinking certainly isn't going to stop, but I don't drink and drive. Not saying I never have, just saying that now I don't.
S-is-DA-BES: good, same.
FYI. I once had a friend almost convince me drive wasted, I only didn't when I asked "wait, are you drunk?", he replied " ya man, wasted", me "well, shit, Ive been drinking with you all night" - "oh, then you shoulnt drive"
Then, I had a threesome with the 2 chicks whose house I stayed at.
Not drinking and driving can be unexpectadly aawesome.
OM617: threesome five brah
ExTractorFan: I was in a bar once, seven pints in, the eighth round came up and one dude says "better not man, I'm driving". He did, too.
OM617: It happens, it shouldn't, but it happens
ExTractorFan: Yeah, there's a lot of retributive posting against you, and while I know it's a fucking stupid thing to do, it does sometimes happen. If you don't injure or kill anyone and acknowledge it's a bad thing and you ain't going to do it again, then you don't deserve such scorn.
OM617: I expected some, no surprise there. It's claims that "I've never done anything like that" that get me. We're all people, and people do stupid shit.
| 12 | 15.25 | |
1350422877 | 1350484786 | null | t5_2to41 | 268 | IAMTHEBATMAN123: TIFU.... By not wanting to litter.
So...I'm on the train and it's waiting at the station for a bit longer than usual. The driver comes on the intercom and says the train ahead of us is disabled, but we should be up and running in about five minutes. I decide to throw my Pepsi can in the trash can on the platform. I thought I would be safe to leave my bag in my seat, since I thought it would take like thirty seconds. Well, no sooner had the can hit the bottom of the trash, the train closed its doors and drove off. With my bag on it. With my cellphone in it. I really fucked up, huh?
-UPDATE- I've cancelled my Apple account. I also have bought a Galaxy S III. It is better than the iPhone 4. -END OF UPDATE-
[deleted]: There are no trash cans in the train?
Khalexus: Is it normal to have trash cans on trains? We don't have any in Melbourne, Australia. I've always thought it would be good, but then I think about how horribly trashed they'd get (no pun intended). Also probably some anti-terrorism thing there too... They only just recently re-installed bins in certain STATIONS here (and they have clear sides, so you can see if any suspicious items have been dropped in).
Also... There's not really any room for bins on trains here :/
Regarding OP... ouch. I don't think I could ever just leave my bag lying somewhere like that, even if I was only popping out for a moment. My possessions stay on me at all times...
[deleted]: If we didn't have trash cans, the trains would be waste carriages. They're emptied twice a day probably. Anti-terrorism would be pointless imo, they could just leave a bag hidden under a seat.
TIL Australia is terrorism paranoid.
Khalexus: Australia *was* terrorism paranoid for a while. Or at least the government was. Billboards, posters, ads on TV, everything. I don't think any of the population really gave a shit or had any fear, apart from the usual crowd that believe everything on current affair shows. There's not really anything now though, terrorism seems virtually forgotten, thank god.
But yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if it had *something* to do with the lack of bins on trains though. I mean they got rid of bins at certain stations because they were scared someone would drop a bomb in one... sigh. I agree, anti-terrorism is a dumb reason not to have bins on trains, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was part of the reason.
I guess fortunately the trains don't really get that trashed, even with the lack of bins. There IS rubbish, but it never piles up. Maybe the lack of bins means people tend to take their rubbish out to the stations, who knows.
[deleted]: Be glad you don't live in China, when I was there for holiday this summer, you had to go through ID-checks, and X-Rays scanners at every train station.
Khalexus: Oh wow... that'd never work here, it'd turn into absolute chaos. That's quite frightening.
[deleted]: [It doesn't work in China either.](http://english.people.com.cn/90001/90776/90882/6778208.html)
| 8 | 33.5 | |
1350423838 | 1350455898 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Tifu by forgetting headphones at a Hotel.
Well it really wasn't today but two days ago is when I forgot my 300$, custom colored, birthday gift from mom, best headphones I've ever had at a hotel.
I bet wondering "why don't you just call the hotel and have them send it to?" or something. But the housekeeper probably stole them (I would probably too if I were a housekeeper...).
So now I'm trying to get the hotel to pay me back for them. But if they don't then ill buy another pair with the money I've been saving for a rainy day.
Tldr: I'm whining about headphones.
blueskin: I doubt housekeepers would risk stealing; they'd get fired.
Call the hotel.
InsertRelevantMeme: My ex was a maid you would be surprised how much they actually rob. If the guest has checked out it's fair game in the hotel she worked at and it was a high end hotel here in dublin. When a guest leaves there is usually like 3 or 4 staff in the room within a couple of hours doing things. So it would be impossible to single a person out. Don't know how all hotels work tho. Even the managers where in on it.
It was a four star hotel and was quite posh and mainly business people/rich people travelling to Ireland use it. Some people left what was left of there euros just on the table(50€-500€) laptops/phones etc
she had some crazy storys tho, evidence of business men cross-dressing etc as dublin has quite a large trans/gay scene alot of them would buy expensive perfume, clothes,shoes jewellery etc and just leave it in the room when the left to go home.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1350427571 | 1351399327 | null | t5_2to41 | 204 | Rdelune: TIFU by boiling a ham for hours then roasting it w/ honey and cloves...only to realise it was beef
No, it didnt taste nice. Left it out for the night though and my drunken housemates ate it, thank god....
[deleted]: How did you manage that? to confuse the two meats I mean.
Rdelune: basically my dad gave me some frozen meat wrapped in a plastic bag and said it was Ham. I asked a few mates what to fdo cause i had never cooked it before - im obviously fairly new to cooking. Anyway, brought it back home, thought it looked fairly weird but stuck it on the hob for a few hours anyway. When i took it out it looked pretty odd, but stupidly assumed this is how ham is supposed to look. covered it in honey, etc and stuck it in the oven. Then left for the shop to get bread and whatnot, when my dad rang to say that he accidentaly gave me a load of beef.retarded i know, especially as my housemates were expecting a proper meal!
ThaeliosRaedkin1: You left the house... with the oven on? If so, you're lucky that your only fuck up was mistaking beef for ham.
| 4 | 51 | |
1350433889 | 1350485185 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | EpicSchwinn: TIFU by not checking my bank account sooner and now owing the bank a couple hundred bucks.
I have a bad problem where I tend to wish away my money problems by swiping the card and hoping for the best. That fucked me up big time, because I'm now overdrafted $400 on my checking account.
I get paid Thursday but that'll be about $200. My commission check comes in this week as well, adding another $60. I'm gonna have to sell stuff to make up the deficit, parting with my Playstation 2 and an iPhone 3GS I got from work. I'm not gonna be able to buy food for the next 2 weeks so I'm gonna be on the ramen and water diet for a little while. I was supposed to dress up for a halloween party this weekend but now I'm kinda in a crunch and hoping I'll find anything to wear in my closet.
This has certainly been a wakeup call and I realize I've really gotta watch my damn money nowadays. I'm irresponsible with my money and I've gotta change it. Budgeting is a big fucking deal that I've neglected. Saving is really important, I would've saved myself about $200 if I had any money in my savings account to protect from overdrafting.
So, lesson for you all: Don't fuck up your money.
[deleted]: Let me tell you a bit about ramen noodles. Once the water boils, throw in an egg or two and stir it around and it makes is 1000x tastier. With some Sriracha hot sauce, it is a very good meal to live off of for a few weeks. You will have to spend a few more dollars, but it really does make it more bearable.
Also, it's hard to justify not checking your account when you have a smartphone that can do it from anywhere.
GreenHairyMartian: how to make awesome ramen: ~~http://static.fjcdn.com/large/pictures/12/3c/123cd5_3950356.jpg~~ edit: bad link, see below.
Trickplay: Your link did not work
http://i.imgur.com/bOtoN.jpg
GreenHairyMartian: thanks! i forgot to check the link after posting :/ bad martian....
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1350453629 | 1350497263 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Woof_tex: TIFU by possibly giving my 9yo Niece my sexytimes handcuffs
So these are serious handcuffs, not porn shop furry crap. My Niece and I watch Penn and Teller and other escape/magic acts. I sent her a package of silly/fun magic tricks and misc. goofy crap. An hour or so ago I realized I may have included in this package these cuffs.
She is a very impressionable 16 year old. She Is also VERY into boys right now. I think I may have given my niece a her second sex toy. Her Mom is very cool and took care of the first.
capgras_delusion: So is she 9 or 16?
Woof_tex: yes. One of them probably received the toys. sorry for the confusion but I'm confused at this point as well.
cdnheyyou: No, he was asking how old your niece is. 9 years old or 16, you said she was both...
FUCKING_EVERYTHING: And OP replied implying there are two nieces.
| 5 | 6 | |
1350463038 | 1350552217 | null | t5_2to41 | 433 | crackpnt69: TIFU and gave myself a facial (x/post from r/funny)
Worst masturbation experience of my life. I go to start the sexy time with Palm-ula when I get this great idea mid stroke. I spit on my own dick. What THE FUCK was I thinking. So much shame... I should have quit there while I was ahead. Right past the point of no return in the midst of my final preparation checks I realize I forgot a towel. Instead of blasting my new mechanical keyboard I panic and catch that shit in my left hand. This in turn lead to more panic and the following actions on my part. Step 1.) Freak out and rub my hand on my shirt. Step 2.) Feel like a moron for getting nut on my shirt and slap myself on the forehead which leads to Step 3.) Admit I gave myself a facial.
gifforc: You're appalled because you got cum on your own face and because you used your own spit as lube?
Fucking amateur.
[deleted]: Exactly.
Appalled is when you stick the wrong end of the toothbrush up your ass, and then remember you haven't brushed your teeth yet.
gifforc: What the holy shitballs.
I was just going to say "appalled is when you cum in your own mouth because of the wrong combination of moaning in ecstasy, terrible aim, and being backed up"
[deleted]: No matter how much listerine I use, my mouth will never be minty fresh again.
However my anus is now sparkling white.
gifforc: ....you didn't have to brush your teeth man.....and why would you use *THAT* END......
[deleted]: Oh right yeah, I'll just not brush my teeth, not like that leads to plaque build up and cavities.
Don't be disgusting dude.
gifforc: ....no words. I've run out of words...
[deleted]: YOU have no words?! Mr "Don't brush your teeth"!?
8/10 dentists recommend punching you in the face.
gifforc: I've never advocating not brushing your teeth...
I *DO* advocate buying a new toothbrush once you've used yours for assplay.
[deleted]: Not all of us are able to afford the luxury of a new tooth brush after every sphincter stimulating session. I am the 99%.
gifforc: your ilk is just as i imagined it.
[deleted]: What can I say, I am a man like any other; a proud supporter of oral hygiene and a lover of prostate stimulation, its just sometimes those two areas collide.
blackbunnygirl: Ask a friend to buy a vibrator for you for Christmas.
[deleted]: OK the constant advice is making me think people don't know I was joking.
blackbunnygirl: It's pretty obvious you were joking. I just wanted to see how you would respond.
[deleted]: Yeah before I broke the chain I was going to go with:
"Nah bro, putting a vibrator up your ass is gay,"
| 17 | 25.470588 | |
1350481967 | 1350561444 | null | t5_2to41 | 439 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking Miracle Grow
My roommate apparently mixed some Miracle Grow in a gallon water jug and I needed a drink of water after mowing my lawn. I chose the wrong jug. I'm gonna go try and throw up now. If I don't make it, it's been real, folks.
[deleted]: Hey guys, I'm alive. Drank a ton of water and I think I'm good. Kinda gassy, but good nonetheless. Cheers.
Remilia_Scarlet: Dude, GO TO A FUCKING POISON CONTROL CENTER!
intoxicologist: Or at this point probably to a greenhouse.
sierrabravo1984: That watermelon seed he ate will now grow to *fruitition*.
bac0nBre4th: I'm glad he's vege-stable.
Chuckgofer: That pun made me Grow-n.
Memory_dump: Let's get to the root of the problem here, poor labeling
ellisdeee: http://i.minus.com/iz3w8ndBI5A9R.gif
MisterTenpenny: Reposts... Lots of reposts
| 10 | 43.9 | |
1350479283 | 1350603504 | null | t5_2to41 | 321 | SuperNinKenDo: TIFU and cockblocked a mate.
Had a shit of a day, but headed to the pub with some mates to lift my spirits. Darren was there, a mate I really like. Great guy, bit sensitive and shouty, and a bit of a misfit. He was rather flirtatious and I reckon he had it in the bag with this rather saucy Maori chick from town.
We leave the pub after being basically chucked out, and head down the road, me, Darren, Carl and Jess (Kiwi). Anyway, Darren has his arm around her and everrything, and as he begins to walk her home, me and Carl are teasin' them a little.
Anyway, I guess we took it a bit far, because Darren got sent back to us.
This is a guy that gets a little too much of the piss taken out of him, and I've always made it a point to not be like that. When he got sent back, he was seriously pissed and would barely talk to me, and I realised then that I had legitimately cock-blocked him for sure. Before that it was just a bit of teasing, but I realise now that he was definitely "in".
Anyway, I feel like shit about it.
It's not a funny story, but for me, it's a major fuck-up and something I'll actually feel bad about for a long time probably.
I really, sincerely apologised repeatedly, but it didn't matter, he was upset at me.
I feel awful.
Sorry to share such an unfunny story with you all, but God damn do I feel like a cunt right now.
bahrjusc: Being Australian I expect it to end with "and then a dingo ate my baby" instead of the traditional "and then I found 5 dollars".
switchbladesally: I'm not Australian, but this made me snort. I don't even know why I'm laughing.
Satafly: Of course you aren't Australian. No Aussie finds that funny anymore
switchbladesally: I just pictured Aussies as a bunch of poor people, super stoked over 5 dollars
Satafly: You're confusing Australian with Aboriginal
switchbladesally: Hmm didn't picture them native-ey...but more like "Crikey! There's 5 Dollars just layin heeeya!" I don't know how you spell in Australian phonetically, but there's my attempt.
Satafly: are you implying you wouldn't jump for joy if you just found 5 dollars on the ground?
I mean...who wouldn't?
| 8 | 40.125 | |
1350483747 | 1350527390 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | Tammy_Tangerine: TIFU... when I lost work because I didn't feel comfortable driving a van in NYC.
I live in NYC.
I've been trying to get production work. Just simple production assistant stuff. My friends' landlord is some sort of producer, so she gave him my resume about two months ago. She asks me on Sunday night if I have a drivers license. I say yes, and she tells me the producer has work for me and will be calling me shortly. I'm excited, but never get a call.
Monday morning, she asks me about the gig, but I say I never got any call. She says she'll see what's up. I still don't hear anything.
Monday night, about 11:30pm, I get a call from the producer. He wants to hire me for the next day. I say sure. He asks me if I have a drivers license, and I say I do but I have never driven in the city before and am not sure how comfortable I am with driving. He says I need to pick up an 8 person van in Brooklyn, and bring it to China Town in Manhattan for 3am (as in, three hours from the time of the call). From there, he would be taking it to NJ for work. He never specified if I would be coming to NJ with him or not. I told him I've never driven anything larger than a two-door compact, and had never driven in the city before. I explained I'm not a confident driver and I would do anything else for him but city driving freaks me out. I implored him that I would work and do anything else, and I had people who could vouch for my pa work. He says he would text me back in 15 minutes to tell me what's up.
That never happened.
About 1am, I text him saying that I'm still on board, and I would work for free to make up for the van. Never heard back. I needed this work, but because I'm too scared of driving, I fucked it up.
tl;dr: Today I fucked up because I'm a fucking asshole.
NeetSnoh: >He says I need to pick up an 8 person van in Brooklyn, and bring it to China Town in Manhattan for 3am (as in, three hours from the time of the call). From there, he would be taking it to NJ for work.
This doesn't sound sketchy at all to you?
Tammy_Tangerine: It kinda does, but the producer is legit. He's worked on pretty popular shows, and since I know sometimes productions start insanely early, I didn't give it a second thought.
SierraNevadan: Well he needs to get his shit together and not expect people to jump to work in the middle of the night with no notice. What a dick.
grow some balls though, no way you should have offered to work for free.
Tammy_Tangerine: Well to me, experience > money, and I really need experience right now. So if working for free is what I have to do, then I'm going to do it.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1350483479 | 1350511207 | null | t5_2to41 | 67 | cchorto: TIFU by causing my friend to staple two fingers together.
We were chilling between classes in our room. Standard talking, and I noticed my friend was playing with his stapler. He ended up going to the washroom. At this point I looked at the stapler and realized I forgot to staple my assignment.
I grabbed his stapler, but it was out of staples. I figured I'd do him the favor and fill it up and I would also get to staple my assignment.
As he comes in he placed his index and middle finger into the stapler as a joke. I looked over and as I was about to tell him I filled it up, he slammed on the stapler, and lodged a staple into his two fingers.
I FUCKED UP.
Darkstrategy: This is hilarious. It's just enough injury to be comedy, without becoming tragedy.
blueskin: Could have been different if it went into the face or genitals.
MoralSupportFalcon: One the other hand, the stupidity of putting your vital areas at risk would probably make it even funnier. I'd feel even further amused by such an unnecessary venture.
| 4 | 16.75 |
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