start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1406549909 | 1406561451 | t3_2bxsed | t5_2to41 | 50 | agentlame: Please take a second to read 'reddit 101'
## What is reddit, really?
* Don't think of reddit as one giant community. This site is made up of "sub"reddits, which are all their own communities. Every single post you see on this site belongs to its own community, with its own set of users, and with its own set of rules. reddit provides you an easy-to-use interface for managing what posts you see by letting you subscribe or unsubscribe from certain subreddits.
* By making an account, you are automatically subscribed to a set of ["default" subreddits](http://i.imgur.com/4PxSX4e.png) which are a set of highly popular communities that the administrators of this site feel would give the average person an interesting first experience.
* Don't like one or more of these default subreddits? Use the "unsubscribe" button on the sidebar, and start customizing your reddit front page! Find subreddits that interest *you*. Many subreddits feature lists of "similar subreddits" that will help you find other awesome places to subscribe to. Looking for a subreddit but you just don't know its name? Try /r/findareddit! Finally, try setting up a [multi-reddit](http://www.redditblog.com/2013/06/browse-future-of-reddit-re-introducing.html) to categorize your subreddit list even further!
---
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* [See and change your preferences.](https://ssl.reddit.com/prefs/) Customize how many [comments](http://i.imgur.com/ZDka3tA.png) show up, what kind of [posts](http://i.imgur.com/FqnC5e2.png) show up, [and more](http://i.imgur.com/vFrZ1C9.png)!
* [Verify your e-mail.](https://ssl.reddit.com/prefs/update/) If you don't do this and you lose your password, you will have no way to log back onto that account. Ever. Please do this!
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## What is the sidebar?
* The ["sidebar"](http://i.imgur.com/OVtMd4K.png) is the list of information pertaining to a specific subreddit. At the top you will find a link to submit a post and a link to search the subreddit. It also contains the link to "subscribe/unsubscribe" from that subreddit. Underneath that it generally lists the rules, guidelines, relevant information, similar subreddits, etc.
**Note:** many mobile reddit apps require you to press a certain button for the sidebar to show up. Every subreddit has a sidebar. Please don't forget to look for it even if your app doesn't immediately show it! [Here's an image showing where to find it on common reddit apps.](http://imgur.com/a/kgwuy#0)
* You should always read the sidebar before submitting a post to any subreddit, and if you don't understand a rule message the moderators to ask. This ensures that your post stays on the subreddit, as rule-breaking posts will likely be removed.
* Have a question about a submission to a particular subreddit? Ask the moderators there! [Here's an image](http://i.imgur.com/asq0ZhO.png) that shows you where you can typically find the link to message the mods.
---
## Who are moderators? What do they do?
* Each subreddit is a community with its own focus. The mods are volunteers who ensure the subreddit stays true to its purpose by enforcing set rules. For example, /r/android is a subreddit dedicated to discussion of the Android operating system. Anything not directly related to Android is removed by its moderators. Similarly, /r/apple is a subreddit dedicated to discussing Apple and its products.
* Moderators have the power to approve or remove any comments or submissions made to *only the subreddits they moderate.* They can also issue a ban for users on their subreddit. Moderators enforce the rules laid out in the sidebar, so if you follow all the rules in the sidebar you should be good!
## Who are admins? What do they do?
* [Meet the admins.](http://www.reddit.com/about/team) The admins are like super-moderators. They have all the abilities of moderators across every subreddit plus more. They are paid employees of the site and they ensure that the site runs smoothly for all users.
* The admins are generally hands-off when it comes to individual subreddits, letting the moderators and the community decide how its run. **However,** the admins will enforce the [rules of reddit](http://www.reddit.com/rules) on every subreddit. Be familiar with these rules. Failure to follow these rules may earn you a **sitewide ban**, or the closing down of a subreddit.
---
## What is reddiquette?
* [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette) is an **informal** set of guidelines to follow before commenting or submitting on reddit. As reddit has grown, certain behaviors have been frowned upon and other behaviors have been encouraged. reddiquette spells out these behaviors so you aren't left wondering why your posts aren't well-received. You might not be banned not following reddiquette, but you will probably be showered in downvotes if you don't.
---
## Help! What happened to my post?
* reddit is a huge forum with millions of users. Many posts are made here every day. Many, many posts are made with the intention to spam or harass other users. Other posts just don't fit the subreddit. Moderators have to filter through these posts every day to ensure their subreddit stays on topic and free of hostility. Some moderators use bots to help them report posts, some moderators do it all themselves. Every subreddit is different. If you find your post not showing up in the subreddit, your best bet is to ask the moderators there why it's not showing up. *Please note: when you message the moderators, ALL moderators can read it! It's a shared inbox!*
* *I can still see my post but others say they can't?*
Nothing is really removed from reddit, if a mod removes something it is de-listed for others to see. You can still see it with a direct link.
* *My post was removed because it was spam? What gives?*
Spam is a tricky subject, reddit has several base rules but much of it is left for moderators to decide. reddit's [FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/faq) has a good section explaining it.
---
## I have a great idea for a subreddit!
* Awesome! [Message the moderators](http://i.imgur.com/asq0ZhO.png) so you can talk to them
## I have a great idea for reddit as a site!
* Awesome too! Post it in /r/ideasfortheadmins
## What if I don't like the moderators or how the subreddit is run?
* That's okay, reddit was built to handle just that! First though, make sure that you talk to the moderators of that subreddit just to be sure there aren't any misunderstandings, or if you can't just compromise. Otherwise, make your own community! [Here is an excellent guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/creesch/wiki/mod101) for starting and moderating your own subreddit.
* Moderators are people, too, so if you want your voice heard consider messaging them politely with your concerns. We care about the communities we help run and would hate to see users leave because of something that we can help fix!
---
## What if I need help with something else?
* Try /r/help for general help on reddit. /r/askmoderators can also help you out if you need to ask mods about anything.
## I think I found a bug.
* Uh oh. If you are using an application or extension, most have a subreddit you can post in! (/r/RESIssues, /r/alienblue, /r/redditisfun). If you found a bug with reddit itself, post it to /r/bugs (more serious issues should be sent directly to the reddit security team: see the /r/bugs sidebar for contact information.)
##Other Subreddits of Note
* Other good subreddits to check out for help with various topics are /r/Modhelp, /r/Modnews, /r/ChangeLog, /r/Blog, and /r/Announcements.
---
[Read more about reddit and how it works.](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/faq)
[Also, see the FAQ on /r/help!](http://www.reddit.com/r/help/wiki/faq)
Ttex45: Why is this stickied here?
rya11111: It's being out up in many big subreddits to help the new users sonce reddit is growing exponentially :)
Ttex45: Oh thats cool just hadn't noticed it before.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1406551794 | 1406554192 | t3_2bxuly | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by quitting my job
So I was feeling frustrated and trapped in a simple IT job where I got to go home and pretty much get paid to learn PHP and look at pictures of cell phone towers. Things were steady, I could actually get a lot of things done and had free time and money to do what I liked.
Then I applied at a multi-level marketing job. Thinking I had just landed a dream gig, so I called my boss and told him I quit, then I dove straight into hell.
I got really stoned and drank a lot for two days while I thought it over and whether or not I could actually be a door to door salesman.
With cold feet I called up my boss and asked for my job back.
He had already replaced me and now I am scared to do this sales job where I have no free time and now I am stuck, and scared, and I'm a failure and I really want to just hit the reset button because I am stubborn and really dumb...it was really dumb, I start this new job in an hour and already have doubts as to whether or not I am going to survive this first week.
I feel like crying and giving up, but I got my own place to take care of, and although I am a young single male with no real responsibilities beside keeping myself alive and housed. I am in deep debt and regretting every single thing I did these past few days.
So now I am frantically applying to every position I see just to get myself stable on something.
Yet I know now the error of my ways, so I might just go out and try this thing and if by the end of the day I realized I'm just not cut out for this...then I don't know. Fuck...
Either way thanks for letting me get this out of my chest.
Maybe not going to cry as much as I think I will. I don't have anything to fall back on. I don't want to move back in with my mom if I fail.
I'm scared. I don't know if I should take my rent money, sell all my possessions and just drive as far away as I can until I am out of Florida and somewhere I can actually get a steady job.
TL;DR : I quit my job for a shitty job, am now scared and can't go back to old job
Jchamberlainhome: What made you think this new job was a dream one?
disgruntled_guy: > multi-level marketing job
Their priority is to convince him it is so he can pass on the dreammm.
I have genuine sympathy for OP and reading his story makes me feel uncomfortable. Within the past couple months I was thinking of a kid who quit his supermarket job because someone sold him on a surreal MLM fantasy which subsequently became an abyss of suffering and anxiety. He left within a couple weeks - to nothing, of course. Luckily he lived with his parents.
But there was also this one poor son of a bitch named Steve, don't even know his background, but he joined a company and misinterpreted "potential earnings" as salary. He quit after a month, asked for his paycheck and of course got nothing. Such a huge blow.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406551398 | 1406711394 | t3_2bxu4o | t5_2to41 | 143 | Throwaway-Hero: TIFU by dumping racing fuel into a rabbit hole
This happened a while back,
Its a funny story of what an idiot I am.
It was a cool fall afternoon in the quiet suburbs.
I was cleaning out the garage.
You know, putting tools in the right place,
not just a big messy pile on the workbench.
You know.. throwing away half full beer cans that I somehow put in the strangest places.
Stuff like that.
This was right after I cut the grass.
Every time I do it, I get a little pissed about weeds growing here and there... little stuff.
Kinda like washing your new car yourself and finding those scratches that you have no idea how they got there and just piss you off to no end.
The worst thing about the lawn was the goddamn rabbits.
I swear they seem to think my lawn is Hedonism 2.
Those fuckers have little bunkers dug everywhere.
I do have cats, who would love to go outside and rip those little fuckers to shreds.
However, after some controlled outdoor activity,
my cat coco leaped on top of the 6 foot fence in some insane attempt to attack my neighbors 100 pound German shepherd.
I grabbed him right before he jumped into the bear pit.
Needless to say, that was the last time kitties were allowed outside.
Back to the garage cleaning.
I found a half used can of VP race fuel for my race bike that
was at least 2 years old.
My initial thought was just to dump it in the pickup truck,
but it was so old and race fuel doesn't fair well over time.
At that moment, I came up with a brilliant idea.
The biggest rabbit cave is dug at the left front corner of my house.
I thought "Hey!"
"I can get rid of this goddamn gasoline AND kill these little fucks in one biochemical attack!!!"
So, i dump it in the rabbit hole.
Immediately i feel remorse for poisoning them.
I love animals (i even think rats are cool) and im imagining a little family of rabbits,
huddled together, choking and dying from my mustard gas attack.
I swallow the guilt and forge on.
Finish cleaning the garage, go inside and relax.
I don't quite remember the timing of when i smelled it,
It must have been a few hours later.
Maybe i took a nap or something..
But i recall the faint stench of gasoline emanating from somewhere inside the house.
"That's strange" i thought.
"How could the gas get..."
I came to a stunning realization that the consequences of my actions were far more perilous than
the genocide of a rabbit family.
I ran to the basement to confirm my suspicions.
The overwhelming, eyeball burning, gasoline fumes removed all doubt.
The fuel had made its way thru the rabbit cave, soaked further thru the soil,
and into the drain tile surrounding the house.
Which, of course, flowed directly into the basement sump pump.
Now full of high-test race fuel.
Thankfully I have a small water pump for my waterbed.
Yes. I have a fucking waterbed.
Probably the last one made ever.
I dont care if its out of fashion.
Its warm and comfy and not all sloppy like the 70s ones cuz it has a bunch of chambers and stuff.
Waterbeds are awesome so fuck off.
I get some garden hoses connected and start pumping this shit out of the sump hole,
thru the basement window, and into the yard.
After a few minutes my dumbass realized
Where am i putting this stuff?!!?
ITS GOING RIGHT BACK INTO THE FUCKING SOIL!!!
which of course is making its way into the drain tile, and back into the fucking sump pump.
So i get some buckets.
I fill them up, take them to the gutter in the street, and dump them.
I figure I should run a garden hose into the rabbit kill box with clean water,
and try to flush all this stuff out of the drain tile.
I must have filled and dumped 30 5 gallon buckets.
It still smells awful in the basement, and getting worse upstairs.
My girlfriend comes home.
there's no fucking hiding this mess, so I come clean about what had transpired.
"Why the fuck didn't you just dump that in the gutter in the first place?!?!" she says.
"i...uhh... thought this was a better idea...It wasn't."
She gives me that look that she sometimes gets when i do something incredibly stupid and says
"You know my parents are coming to visit in 3 days right?
how the hell are we going to have them over with the house smelling like a fucking gas station?
Is it even safe to be in the house right now?!!?!"
"I'm sure the smell will go away in a little while, I've got every window in the house open,
I've been washing out the sump pump all day, I turned the furnace off so there wont be any sparks or
open flames down there."
"I cant fucking believe you did this." she says.
"And what the fuck are we gonna do tonight?!!
sleep with the windows open? with no heat in the house?!
Its gonna be 30 fucking degrees tonight!!"
I'm on the ropes now, and I'm searching for comforting words.
"Well, we could turn the heat up on the waterbed and snuggle.."
"I don't fucking think so, I'm taking Bebe and Coco and going to Denise's house,
call me when this place doesn't smell like a chemical plant."
she leaves.
I continue flushing the system.
My neighbors are giving me strange looks as i keep walking out of the garage with 5 gallon buckets
and dumping them in the gutter.
Its getting dark now, and cold.
I close the windows about 3/4 of the way to retain some heat in the house,
but its getting cold.
really cold.
It becomes intolerable, so i found some fans, and tried to push the air in the basement away
from the furnace as possible.
There's a lights switch next to the furnace that i turned off.
I'm standing in the basement, freezing, wondering if i should flip that switch.
I figured if it did ignite the air in the basement, I would be killed instantly.
So i went upstairs to the thermostat, turned it off, then went back down and flipped the switch.
Back upstairs, I cringed as i turned the thermostat on.
I heard the click of the pilot, the induction fan start,
then the whoosh of the flames from the furnace.
No explosion.
Whew...
I go to bed.
Im still a bit worried so im having trouble sleeping.
Every time i hear that pilot kick on im cringing, expecting to die in a fireball,
hoping the 100s of gallons of water im sleeping on will protect me.
Donna returned the next day, still pissed off at me.
We had to have dinner with her parents somewhere else cuz it took two weeks
for the smell to be completely gone.
I still cringed every time the furnace kicked on.
The good news is that no rabbits were harmed during my attempt to murder them.
They must have been in some other part of the maze of tunnels
that must certainly exist throughout my yard.
They multiplied and prospered.
The cats love to watch them with run around outside from their various cat trees and perches
that face the back yard.
In fact, One of my younger cats, Curly, was in the basement window making a lot of noise.
I looked in there and saw that 2 tiny baby rabbits had accidentally fallen in the window well
and could not get out.
I went outside and saw their mother nearby, who quickly ran away when she saw me.
I climbed into the well and retrieved the tiny critters. I could have put 4 of them in one hand
side to side they were so tiny.
Once i got them out, they scurried off in the direction that their mother went.
I felt some redemption for having tried to kill them at one time,
And later saving 2 babies from starvation.
The circle of life i suppose.
poohspiglet: The best use of old gasoline is starting a bonfire. There will be a little "whoosh" but as a pyro, that's what I love about it.
Why would your girlfriend think of dumping it in the gutter? If I was the neighbor, depending how close the neighbor is to your property, and I smelled that stuff, I'd be asking some serious questions and perhaps summoning the fire department. That's kind of a crazy comedy of errors, if what you wrote was true.
CHTCB: fellow pyro here, can confirm there is a "whoosh" when you light gasoline, i know because thats what happened when i almost burned the forest behind my house down.
poohspiglet: Yep. You have to learn to throw that incendiary device and be back far enough so you don't get singed. I too have almost burned down a forest! Operative word being "almost". No trees that weren't already dead in the fire pile died though, admittedly there was some damage to grass. A good pyro also has a good hose :)
fire8up: You gotta shoot that shit with a roman candle.
Source: Am a pyro.
LewsTherinKinslayer3: I have a lvl.15 pyromancy flame, we... we are talking about the same thing right?
fire8up: yes. yes we are.
PerturbedPelican: Chihuahua with a lit candle?
| 8 | 17.875 | |
1406553239 | 1406554945 | t3_2bxwgb | t5_2to41 | 2 | lomaxa: TIFU by not reading my intinerary
I was supposed to go to France for 3 weeks starting today, but when I woke up this morning to a message for my father asking me if I was in jail I realized I f***** something up..
I realize that my plane was for Sunday the 27th at 1130 is not the 28th at 1130.
Quite the exciting way to start my day. I was able to refund the ticket and book a ticket for tonight but definitely scared the shit out of ne.
Dancegames: o-o so now you dont get to goto france?
lomaxa: >o-o so now you dont get to goto france?
I do, I was able to refund yesterday's flight and book one for tonight.
I just feel like crap for being so irresponsible
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406555588 | 1406582579 | t3_2bxzuy | t5_2to41 | 45 | GoinToTheShindy: TIFU by using a condom to masturbate.
So yesterday I used a condom to masturbate because I do that sometimes for easy clean up. As usual I threw the condom in the bathroom trash can. My girlfriend comes over after not seeing her for a week. She comes up to me in bed saying "Hey so...why is there a used condom in the trash?"
All I could do was blurt out the guiltiest chuckle ever because I knew, Today I fucked up, then I told her the truth and now I don't know if she believes me or if she thinks I cheated.
Curtoph: "Babe why would I leave it in the open if I were trying to hide something?"
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: this.
KingOfRages: Yes, SAY THIS OP!
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1406555900 | 1406557299 | t3_2by0bt | t5_2to41 | 6 | NotAModder: TIFU by using diary.
Oh wow. How embarrassing does this have to be. Anyways, into story. If you read my post yesterday, this makes a bit more sense. So, this girl I like. Let's just call her Sara. But I think that she COULD be my GF. So I write my feelings in a diary. So I go to the pool with my diary and decide it would be okay if I wrote a few things. I guess I didn't realize she was next to me. So it's around 1 and I decide to go home to eat, accidentally forgeting my diary. She finds it and I think she read it. I don't know I was eating. When I returned, I saw my diary was gone. She had it and gave it to, he face was red. (Maybe sunburn or blush). So I thought that she had read it and asked. She said yes. I just went freaking ballistic after that, but not by her. I went home after that and was ticked off. But, I might think that she likes me too.
EDIT: words
Curtoph: English not your first language?
NotAModder: What do you mean?
Curtoph: Nvm you fixed it.
NotAModder: Yea. Phone glitchy.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1406555289 | 1406690114 | t3_2bxzeq | t5_2to41 | 14 | witchling_22: TIFU by trusting my father NOT to fuck me over...
Super quick back story: my father lies, cheats and steals, and has managed to screw over everyone he's done business with. Most people don't blame/resent us (the kids) for his actions, but some do. Growing up was interesting.
On Valentine's Day, I was t-boned by a huge van, my SUV was totaled. I'm fine, and my kiddo wasn't with me. Anyway, I need another vehicle. My father owns a used car lot (red flag, I know...). He buys vehicles at auction, changes the oil, calls that 'inspection and maintenance' and flips them on unsuspecting people.
He managed to buy a 2003 Chevy Trailblazer EXT. It was very nice on the outside, not many miles considering the year, and didn't seem to have any problems that I could find. Oh but soon they surfaced.
First the oil leaked. I couldn't tell at the lot because the truck was parked on grass. Once it got to my house, and I parked on the cement it was obvious. Brought it to my dad. He 'fixed it'. It worked. For a bit. The oil was over filled, I had no clue, remember this was my *father*, I didn't double check.
Then all hell broke loose. My truck overheated. Thankfully I wasn't far from home. I was terrified because this horrible orange shit was spilling out everywhere. I thought I had maybe blew a head gasket. It turned out the coolant line in the radiator burst. I had to change the radiator, flush the lines, fill the fluids back up. My thermostat had to be changed, as well as the water pump, fan clutch, and all hoses and belts. We wejt through 4 thermostats before giving up and letting it freeflow. During the thermostat fiasco, we went through another set of hoses and 2 more changes of fluids.
Then the brake failure. On a very busy street at 5 pm. Managed to maneuver my way home from work using the E-Brake and grinding the fuck out of my rotars. Change the rotars, calipers, brakes, master cylinder, brake booster, and fluids.
Then the a/c went out. And it's started leaking like a faucet. My head gaskets are now warped, not sealing. The heads have to be shaved and there is a chunk missing from the transmission, near the rear seal line by the housing. Also, the back window quit working.
I am at my wit's end, am stuck with this piece of shit until I can trade it in, and my father's point of view, explicitly expressed over the phone to my husband: 'She's 30, it's time she gets her shit together. She's your problem now.' And apparently used cars aren't covered by the Lemon Law. So I paid $5800.00 for the truck, poured $2400.00 into it and am now fucked.
tl;dr: Bought a car from my father, a used car salesman. Paid $5800, had to put $2400 into it because it's a piece of shit, father doesn't give a fuck.
JessicaWinter: I would cut ties with the prick!
hope you get something worked our, best of luck. Things will start looking up!
witchling_22: Haven't talked in 3 weeks, since he and my husband had it out. He's never called to check on me...
JessicaWinter: That sucks, I'm sorry. I understand how it feels. I have a similar relationship with my mother. Not so much with lying and whatnot, more just abandonment and not caring.
witchling_22: My turmoil with him goes back to early childhood. Everytime he softens me up and I let my guard down *just* enough, I get totally fucked over. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to sell the truck, because I couldn't fathom doing this to someone else. I am just stuck, depressed and miserable.
JessicaWinter: Yeah, I totally understand, except I had my mother for the majority of my childhood. My younger sisters were 11 and 15 when she left. And with am alcoholic father I was mostly responsible for them. Every once in a while we'll hear from her but its just kinda like? What's the point now ya know? She's never gonna change ans actually care about anyone other than herself .. so fuck it, might as well cut my losses .. I dunno about your vehicle situation though. You could scrap it but that wouldn't even Get you back a fraction of what you put into it. Maybe someone will buy it as a fixer upper?
witchling_22: I think we should both head over to /r/raisedbynarcissists
JessicaWinter: Hahaha great idea!
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1406556265 | 1406557786 | t3_2by0ul | t5_2to41 | 6 | shirttuckedinOD: TIFU by thinking that my coworker knows Reddit inside jokes
I work in Central Transport at a hospital, my job is to carry patients from point A to point B and sometimes back to point A. It involves a constant walking all day. I was training this new girl who had just gotten the job. A few hours later we became fairly comfortable with each other to the point where we could casually complain about our jobs when she pointed out that her feet hurt. She was wearing Nike hightops and I was wearing flat Adidas. As a response she said that she was going to wear Crocs tomorrow to which I laughed thinking that it was a joke because, you know, Crocs are for virgin nerds, amirite? The next I came to work listening to some Miike Snow all tired and groggy from a mediocre night of sleep. There is a waiting space for transport workers where there is a dark brown leather couch on which the girl sat. I went over to a chair that faced her still casually listening to music. I laid back on the chair when I looked at her feet to see black Crocs that seemed to have been made for all day walking. She looked at my shoes which were the same the ones I wore the previous day then down at hers as she extended her feet to inspect them. Apparently I made fun of her the day before without even knowing it.
DanyTargKhaleesi: I feel bad for the girl.
shirttuckedinOD: I learned valuable lessons from her face
Sometimes comfort beats looks
Don't judge Crocs
| 3 | 2 | |
1406556478 | 1406558876 | t3_2by16e | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting pregnant.
fairak17: Smasmortion out of the question?
Verboten_freedom: Beautiful.
fairak17: I'm just asking, I'm 23 if it happened to me I'd spend time considering it
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1406556834 | 1406573923 | t3_2by1q6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: Tifu by not giving heads up about "giving head"
Excuse me for any bad format or grammar error, I'm using my phone and English isn't my first language.
This just happened about 4 hours ago.
Back story : My cousin is french educated and her English knowledge is rather nil
Story : All the family is united at my grandparents' house and well it's "Eid" so everyone is well dressed up and enjoying their day celebrating this holiday.
What happened was; whilst sitting in the living room waiting for all the family members to come so we can say our hellos, eventually my little cousin came with a very nice top with highlighted prints on it (not costume made) but I was too distracted by the noise so I didn't quite focus on the writing. Fast forward 2 hours later, everyone is saying goodbye on the front door and there it was the big highlighted words on the shirt that said "GIVE ME HEAD" in caps and I just stood there shocked and want to say something but my brain was not functioning as I was staring at this top.. they left and I didn't say anything now my cousin is walking around with a top that says in big highlighted letters "GIVE ME HEAD"
So, yeah, tifu by not warning her..
Edit: continued story, sorry for delay + bad grammar I used dad's phone.
TheOfficialR3x0r: .....What happened, man?
Waitforitk: Check the Edit
| 3 | 2 | |
1406557379 | 1406618604 | t3_2by2lc | t5_2to41 | 10 | lmardcarvalho: TIFU by gluing my boxers to my butt...
I broke something at work and it was fixable by gluing.
Today I brought a small tube of super glue and quickly took care of it. I put the tube in my back pocket and went back to my work routine.
Hours went by and suddenly I felt an unexplained freshness in my left buttcheek.
Turns out the glue tube was pretty shitty and the super glue came out of it inside my pocket.
As the title suggests, I accidentaly glued my boxers to my buttcheek.
staeples: oh my god super glue?!
lmardcarvalho: Yes... not as hard to pull off as I was expecting though...
staeples: imagine if you had a hairy butt though.
tembrant: Not anymore.
| 5 | 2 | |
1406557663 | 1406569061 | t3_2by331 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with a psycho
Gaius-JuliusCaesar: wat
[deleted]: wut x2
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406560516 | 1406562228 | t3_2by845 | t5_2to41 | 17 | letmeseethisone: TIFU - by calling in bbc radio 1 and got fired
Firstly I'll explain how the situation arose.
Starting work at 7am and staying alone I don't have anyone to talk to, I decide to put on my radio through earphones and plod along.
I get into work acting glum and ill and ask my manager for a half day (half shift) as I had 'Monday morning blues'...that was a lie
Every weekday morning lets say Dj Nick (Grimmy) does a breakfast show until 10am and I am a very frequent listener, today they started "Happy Mondays" to get people in the mood by playing overused generic edm. My very first time on deciding to text in and hopefully get a shout out and what-not...What happened next is unfortunate although I do see the funny side.
10 minutes later I get a call from a strange area coded number, I decided to answer for this to turn out to be BBC Radio 1 production team asking me to record a message to Grimmy and broadcast to the UK.
Instantly I got nervous although I held it together to give my message out to Britain.
"Hi Grimmy it's J- here from Glasgow having my Monday blues needing some music to get me through this half shift then off to the Commonwealth games, the weather's great so a little drink later may be on the cards, enjoy Ibiza guys"
After that I was told thank you very much, keep listening and you'll hear it after Mr.Schulz - waves.
Being put in a great mood and excited that I was gonna be on Radio, I kept listening.
Less than a minute later I was called to my managers office to discuss my half shift, I have no option but to take out my wax coated earphones and head in to get my decision from my very uptight boss who doesn't look to happy.
As I enter the room I see his stern face looking at my as the sound of Mr.Schulz - waves getting louder and louder with every step. "Oh shit, please don't play my message" I kept thinking and almost whispering
I finally take a seat to be granted the half day off and quickly pen paperwork to get out of the office.
It was at this point I realised my fate was penned onto the other side of the paper...
Right there, and then, in front of my manager my message plays.
He doesn't seemed bothered in the slightest until he hears MY name, in MY voice say "needing some music to get me through this half shift then off to the Commonwealth games"
I froze standing there looking at my bosses face and him staring at mines like both of us were about to duel.
If he never heard it, he now will.
I work with my uncle who is the managers assistant, who walked in the door with a bright look on his face.
"what event at the commonwealth games are ya going to see"
I just turned and walked out. I now have 7 missed calls from my uncle, a tribunal on Friday and a very angry manager.
So TIFU by calling Nick Grimshaw, telling my manager I was Ill when I was going to the Men's Squash final (here now) and informing them I was planning on drinking when I (would've) had work tomorrow and now have to explain my situation in front of a panel to keep my job, or should I say, attempt to get my job back.
TheEnKrypt: > explain my situation in front of a panel to keep my job.
So technically you're not yet fired like you mentioned in the title.
letmeseethisone: It's more of an appeal process against the decision. I unlike the half empty glass of pessimists, like to look for the positives and try remain full of optimism. Especially when something' like this happens
TheEnKrypt: The universe has been cruel to you in its radio timings.
My condolences man. I hope you get your job back.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1406559000 | 1406617697 | t3_2by5co | t5_2to41 | 18 | PM_ME_DICKS_NO_HOMO: TIFU by laughing about the Holocaust
Let me just start by saying sorry for errors here. English is not my native language. Also I am at mobile so formatting is gonna be bad.
So I am 14 years old and in 8th grade. This happened at the end of the year ceremony where students show off the stuff that happened through the year. At my school in 10th grade the whole class goes to Poland to learn about the Holocaust. A 10th grader was going to read a poem he had written about the trip. This guy is a pretty funny guy who had done many funny things before, so I was expecting something FUNNY. I said pretty loudly: Haha, this is going to be funny, I know it. Then he preceded to read a sad poem about a girl who would never come home and people gave me looks of death. I have seen and heard people whispering when I am around. So I am now known as my school's neo nazi.
ICantThinkAtAll: Your username and age just don't add up.
ZombieWombat: Personally, I think they line up seamlessly.
Pokemolestor: Pretty sure he was being sarcastic.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1406564748 | 1406603492 | t3_2byfqo | t5_2to41 | 98 | BrodAdams: TIFU - by having sex with a girl who only got the needle the day before.
So this girl and I have been friends with benefits over the course of the last few months and she finally decided to try birth control for the first time. She got the needle which basically means she only has to get a needle every three months and it prevents pregnancies rather than taking a pill everyday. I thought it was a great idea. So she got this on a Tuesday and we hungout and had unprotected sex the following day and I finished inside of her. Nothing really became of it until Friday while at work I received a text message from her which caused my heart to drop into the pit of my stomach. "We have a bit of a problem" I told my supervisor I had to be excused so I could go to the bathroom, freak the fuck out and figure out what was going on. I don't know if its just me but after finishing inside of a girl the day after she got the needle, the first thing that went through my mind was that she's pregnant and that I am going to be a father at the age of 18. So as I'm jumping up and down and feeling almost as if I were about to vomit, I received another text from her which simply explained how we can't hangout anymore until I meet her family because every time we hungout she would just pick me up and we'd go out to the movies and do our thing afterwards in her car somewhere and they were getting suspicious. So instead of being a father, it turns out they just want to take me out for supper at a fancy ass restauraunt and meet me.
UPDATE: Chick is in fact not pregnant.
iamcornh0lio: First of all, a girl isn't going to find out that she's pregnant the day after she gets impregnated.
Secondly, how are you "friends with benefits?" You hang out with her, take her out to the movies, and now are going to meet her parents? A girl doesn't introduce some guy she's fucking to her parents. Do you even realize that you're dating this girl?
BrodAdams: I realise that but at the same rate it still went through my head. And I'm leaving for school in a month and we've both agreed its just a hook up. We both agreed not to have feelings for one another. I'm holding my end of that bargain.
hairhead24: Too bad she isn't ;)
BrodAdams: Not my problem !
MellowRed: Not my chair not my problem.
Ashleygs: Seahorses... FOREVA
MellowRed: Lighthouses rule.
Ashleygs: Little kid in the background fucking going CRAZY
MellowRed: He thinks he’s Captain Tying Knots, when everyone needs some knots tied they go to him - BULL. SHIT.
Ashleygs: Mr walkway. Mr walk up me I'm the walkway. Lead me to the building FUCK YOU.
MellowRed: Mr. Balloons. Mr. Balloon Hands. No way. No way, get real.
Ashleygs: Stupid dresses
| 13 | 7.538462 | |
1406564500 | 1406605670 | t3_2byfal | t5_2to41 | 1,329 | zubaba: TIFU by buying a Roomba.
This one isn't mine, but my neighbors.
This morning a large truck was blocking the shared driveway, so I went over to my neighbors house to find out what was going on. She was getting her carpets replaced, which confused me because she had just done this a few months ago. I asked her what was going on, and then suppressed laughter all through her story.
In order to keep her new carpets clean, she decided to buy a Roomba. She loves it, but her dogs HATE it. Barking constantly, running into things while it is on, and generally being terrified of the circle robot vrooming around. It got so be she had to lock the dogs in the garage while the Roomba is active.
This weekend, she decided to block the dogs in the kitchen using one of those fence gate things while she runs errands. She had only planned to be out of the house for an hour.
While she was out, her mom slipped and twisted her ankle. This meant my neighbor was now spending the day bringing her mom to the hospital instead of returning home quickly.
While she was gone, the Roomba had turned on and started making its rounds. This caused her dogs to flip out and burst through the fencegate she had set up, so now they were roaming the house while the Roomba is active. One of the dogs was so terrified it had a massive attack of diarrhea on the carpet, which the Roomba soon found. High speed rollers and liquid poop do not mix well, and by the time she came home, there were poop tracks spread everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The dogs had also managed to flip the Roomba near a wall, and the rollers spinning had sprayed a fan-shaped mess all over it.
TL,DR: Roomba and dog poop do not mix.
SuddenlyRhymes: *This little robot that I bought
keeps my floors clean for me.
It truly is the best thing ever,
a housemaid with no fee.*
*This little robot that I bought
makes all my dogs go crazy,
so I just lock them up and let
my wonder bot go crazy.*
*This little robot that I bought
turns on when I go out.
My floors are clean when I get home,
how DID I go without?*
*This little robot that I bought,
well he and I are through.
He scared the dogs out from their pen
and smeared my house with poo.*
Edit:
*I didn't realize,
I rhymed "crazy" with "crazy."
I guess it's no surprise,
I'm really rather lazy.*
jonnyb95: You're a spectacular human
lulz_bot: He's no a_poem_for_your_sprog, that's for sure.
yetiheat: no one can out-poem sprog
| 5 | 265.8 | |
1406567713 | 1406641592 | t3_2byl6s | t5_2to41 | 232 | shittiest_scientist: TIFU by doing scat play with my wife when her brother came over for a surprise visit. (NSFW) (maybe somewhat NSFL?)
So my wife and I were doing scat play with each other (I know, it's gross to everybody else) and had gotten ourselves covered. The two of us had ear plugs in so it wouldn't get in our ears (learned that the hard way) and as a result we couldn't hear anything. We were doing anal as she "relieved" herself, and while this was happening her brother unlocked the door and came in to surprise us, only to see what we were doing. We didn't see him because her back was to him, and I couldn't see around her. A few hours later we got a text about it, and now things are extremely awkward.
TL;DR: brother in law walked in on his sister shitting onto my dick, as well as the both of us covered in it.
CopDogg: So, do you like put down a plastic sheet especially for this? Then do you like clean that sheet off before using it again? Do you do this in your bedroom? Does your house smell weird?
Sorry to have so many questions, just cant wrap my brain around this.
shittiest_scientist: We have plastic covers for furniture and plastic sheets for it, yes. Our housw actually doesn't smell weird, even though we both actually enjoy the smell of shit (not sure why) And we do it all over the place.
Sackboii: what the fuck
shittiest_scientist: Yeah, not exactly normal by society's standards.
michaelb100: That is fucking weird
shittiest_scientist: Like I said before, we don't have control over what turns us on. Why people hold our turn ons against us, I don't know.
Supadoopa101: It's largely the connection of shit and disease. Think back. Shit-contaminated water has claimed countless lives and helped further the spread of disease for ages. By weight, shit is something like 50% bacteria. Objectively speaking, poopy sex is much worse for your health than non poopy. The reason shit smells bad to humans is because it is bad FOR humans. We are evolved to avoid it and get grossed out by it... Mostly...
shittiest_scientist: Meh. We've never gotten sick by it, and if we do, at least it will be from something we enjoy doing.
Supadoopa101: I'm just giving you the basic underlying logic behind disliking shit (Exhibit A: E.coli). We certainly have enough modern medicine to deal with most if not all shit related illnesses today, yet the general aversion still stands.
That said, I once saw a gorilla eat its own shit. Also, Bear Grylls squeezed ass grease from an elephant turd directly into his mouth. God bless cable.
| 10 | 23.2 | |
1406558374 | 1406580838 | t3_2by493 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating something I shouldn't have.
Some background: I recently graduated with an MA in Spanish and Portuguese. I have been learning Spanish for 7 years now. And even lived in Spain for 10 months. As a graduation present to myself I saved up during my final year of university and booked myself a trip around the Iberian peninsula. My story begins in Barcelona, as did my journey.
I'm no stranger to spanish cuisine. I could eat garlicky prawns till I died and would be happy. However a recent graduate must be careful with money. So I decided that the best way to save to save money would be to buy lunches at supermarkets. I'm rambling along Las Ramblas one evening and nip into a market to buy food for the next few days.
As a huge beef jerky fan I'm instantly drawn to the aisle with familiar looking packaged meats. There is one that looks similar to pepperamis, a childhood favourite of mine, called 'cachorrones'. Some man grabs them as he walks past and I think "Great. Luncheon meats for the morrow!"
Back at the hostel I reflect to a fellow traveller that I have a vague memory of cão being the Portuguese for dog, thus arousing my suspicions that this was for dogs. He reminded me this was Cataluña, not Portugal, so I head off with my packed lunch the next day up to Tibidabo. The pepperamis are salty but delicious. I eat 2 packets over the next 2 days.
I catch a bus to my next stop, packed lunch in hand, going to town on these meaty light sabers. Alsa buses in Spain show nature programmes etc for the duration of the journey and I settle down to watch Millie the oso (bear) look after her cubs.
Her cachorros.
I look at the meat sticks I've been shoving into my stupid uneducated face and realise....
I've been eating dog treats for 3 days.
Tl;dr. I got a degree is Spanish, then forget the word for puppy and ate dog treats for 3 days instead of pepperamis
AlyceSparkz: I thought this was going to end up that you were eating dog...at least it wasn't that...
cspyny: Same
| 3 | 3 | |
1406568547 | 1406665732 | t3_2bymtx | t5_2to41 | 182 | [deleted]: TIFU by overdosing on Ambien, hallucinating there was a grass woman, and jumping out of a second-story window.
Last night I was very upset and decided to take more Ambien than usual to sleep, because I wanted to sleep hard and fast. I ended up having some weird hallucinations. It started with me thinking my window was illuminated and there were people in my room. I went up to my window to talk to them. We all looked down and saw a woman made of grass in my garden. The woman kept telling me to come down, that I wouldn't be upset anymore if I did. I kept asking the others if I should go and they wouldn't answer. I put on some shoes and socks, ripped away the screen from the window, and jumped 20 feet down. I broke my left ankle and sprained my right. The doctor said it was amazing that I was not paralyzed.
So, now I know to never take Ambien again and that grass women made from garden shrubs should not be trusted. I am humiliated and in a ton of pain.
EDIT: Thought you guys might want to see a picture (NSFL). This is the sprained ankle: http://i.imgur.com/lBvpmiw.jpg
808metz: Shit dude. Take 5mg and just lay the fuck down.
This ambien tripping happens way to fucking often.
CastleCorp: He wasn't tripping. It was clearly a jump.
SunburnStockings: How does gold work?
CastleCorp: What do you mean? How do you give gold or what are the features of gold?
SunburnStockings: Everything.
CastleCorp: I am still really confused as to what you are asking. To give gold there is a link at the bottom of posts and comments that say give gold. As to what it does, go to reddit.com/gold/about
SunburnStockings: Oh okay.Trying to give gold,can't figure it out
CastleCorp: Well if you look down by the bottom of a comment, near where it says "save" there should be something that says "give gold" just click it and it will tell you what to do from there.
| 9 | 20.222222 | |
1406568987 | 1406682584 | t3_2bynom | t5_2to41 | 134 | CBinNeverland: TIFU by not answering my phone.
A couple weeks ago I was out of town visiting a friend for her birthday. We just finished our freshman year of college, so we're all at home for the summer, but her parents were out of town, so we had her house to ourselves.
One of her other friends who is super hot, but a total dick was there.
At the beginning of the year, I had a crush on this dude, but like I said, he was a total ass. Anyway I'M FUCKING HAMMERED when we get back from downtown and I go to bed with this guy. Sex is one of the few times I don't have my phone by my side, so it's usually on silent. ANYWAY, I plugged it in to charge. We're about 45 minutes deep and hear a knock on the door.
"CBinNeverland, come tell the cops you're alive!" MY MOM CALLED THE COPS BECAUSE I DIDN'T RESPOND TO HER TEXT FOR 30 MINUTES. I check my phone and there's FIFTEEN new texts and FORTY MISSED CALLS. **FORTY.** I am 19 years old, mind you. So we've all been drinking and I'm thinking "Dammit, mom. You're paying my underage fines." I walk out in his t-shirt and my underwear.
The cop starts laughing when he realizes I'm **nineteen** and my mom went nuts because I didn't answer for 30 minutes. He has me call her, assure her I'm alive and leaves. But I was humiliated and pissed and my friends still think it is just the funniest thing that's ever happened to us.
TL;DR my mom freaked out because her daughter who is a college sophomore didn't answer the phone for 30 minutes and had the cops come.
orilykid: time for you to have a talk with your mom, this happened to a friend of mine when she was 18 and in college, need to sit her down and have the "adult" talk with her.
CBinNeverland: I tried to have the "I'm an adult and I do adult things" talk with her. My efforts were fruitless.
orilykid: OK another angle, answer the phone while having sex and get her really embarrassed so she won't call again. Unless she is one those "my daughter is pure" parents. Otherwise I am sorry for your helicopter mom. At least she loves you :p
CBinNeverland: I'd much rather had a helicopter mom than a mom who doesn't care, for sure. I quickly got over being mad, but I had to share it because the overreaction is just hilarious.
I have no idea how she doesn't know I have sex as I have a very lax attitude towards it and dart out of the room every time my birth control alarm goes off.
orilykid: Ha. Maybe she thinks your bowel movements are regular. She comments on how proud she is of you for eating healthy every time you get up at the alarm.
CBinNeverland: She KNOWS I'm on the pill. I have been since I was 16.
But that's probably along the lines of what she tells herself.
AnoK760: She just convinces herself it's for other reasons. There's a ton of reasons women take the pill besides not getting pregnant
CBinNeverland: I DID go on it to regulate my period. And she still says "well (thing sexually active person would be worried about) doesn't matter for what YOURE using your pills for."
My point is I wouldn't be so religious about them if I wasn't getting sexed.
Kenny__Loggins: Yeah, so she definitely is in denial about you having sexual urges. I say it's time to turn this shit up to 11 and specifically start masturbating when she calls you excessively and THEN answer the phone. Or if she calls several times all at once answer and be like "oh mom! I'm glad you called. I have this friend who is really into mother/daughter stuff and I wanted to ask if you would do a threesome with us."
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
CBinNeverland: The threesome is great bc she's soooo closed minded about sex.
Kenny__Loggins: Her mind won't be the only thing you open.
| 12 | 11.166667 | |
1406571783 | 1406648252 | t3_2byt3n | t5_2to41 | 37 | almost-pickedup-daug: TIFU by picking up a streetwalker [nsfw?]
TangentialFUCK: [ ] Things that Happened
[X] This
duckvimes_: That... that doesn't actually make sense. At all. Sorry.
mayeslad: Yes it does?
duckvimes_: Honestly, it doesn't. You and I know what it's trying to convey, but written as it is, it doesn't make sense.
mayeslad: How does it, in any way, not make sense?
duckvimes_: Because there's no 'key'. If you checked off "things that happened", that wouldn't indicate that This belongs under that category. And the second box is 100% redundant since This will *always* be This.
mayeslad: Yes but by having a 'Things that Happened' box which is left un crossed, and a 'This' box which is crossed, you are to understand that 'This' didn't happen.
duckvimes_: The second box should still be removed though. I'm taking my downvotes to the grave with me for this one.
CormagMHFU: are you fucking stupid?
duckvimes_: I'm sorry, I won't interrupt the circlejerk next time.
| 11 | 3.363636 | |
1406569242 | 1406637734 | t3_2byo6w | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by hot-boxing my flatmate's room
So last night we had some friends round (9 of us altogether). We ended up buying about 11 grams of weed, and decided to hot-box my flatmate's room.
We rolled a joint each, sealed all the windows and door, and went to town. After this process was repeated, most people left and there was only the 3 of us.
Part of the reason we hot-boxed the one room is because my dad has a habit of popping round to the flat during the day, and would clearly notice the smell in the living room.
When we left to return to the living room however, we were not smart. Instead of opening the windows and leaving the door shut behind us, we did the opposite. As a result, the smoke escaped the room and the entire flat now **stinks** of weed.
My flatmate has spent the day lighting scented candles and spraying air freshener everywhere.
Thanks to fantastic timing, today my brother decided it would be a good idea to come round when I'm not home, and will no doubt report the smell to my parents >.<
On top of this, my flatmate left all his work clothes in his room so they stink as well, and when I got to work this morning I still felt high.
doylekid: How old is your brother?
surewhyno: Sounds like a little bitch, right? I would say... 16-17. Old enough to drive. Young enough to still be a bitch...wait a minute.. I am 16! *noooooooo*
zennmon: oh those day i dont miss them XD
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1406571507 | 1406581857 | t3_2bysld | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my ass hair...
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
JIFGuy: Nice copy paste job.
KingOfRages: What was he investigating?!
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1406571738 | 1406592312 | t3_2byt0w | t5_2to41 | 43 | Introvertedgenius: TIFU by making toast.
This story, like most, did not happen today. It takes place on Christmas Eve of 1999. At the time, I was living with my mom, my dad, my brother, and my dog, who will be relevant later. I was three and a half, whereas my brother was a little over one year old.
Ever since I was little, I’ve always been an early riser (less so now, because teenage years, but I’ve rarely been one to sleep the day away). This was especially true when I was very young, as I would nearly always be awake before either of my parents. On any given day, I would likely be awake around 7 AM. However, on this particular morning, I woke up and got out of bed around 4 AM. Most children would go back to sleep after waking up this early, but I, for some reason, decided that this idea was ridiculous. I was awake, bored, and wanted something to do. After waking up, I decided to wake my brother—presumably because I was awake, bored and wanted something to do.
After waking up my brother, I found myself with an idea. My three-year-old mind had decided to do a kindness to my whole family by making breakfast for everyone. My mom was always so nice by making breakfast for the family, and I was already awake as it is, so I may as well have returned the favor and show my appreciation by making the best breakfast that I can and sharing it with everyone.
With this idea in mind, I took my brother and proceed to go downstairs into our kitchen, and started to think of what the best thing to make would be. I knew that I couldn’t use the oven or stove—partially because I wasn’t allowed, partially because I didn’t know how, and partially because I was three and therefore too short to even reach—but I knew that there was something that I knew how to use, could get to, and was allowed to use—the toaster. After coming to this realization, I figured that the best and easiest thing I could make for my family was, not surprisingly, toast.
I had my mind made up at this point, but there was an obstacle that stood in my way. This particular obstacle happened to be a child lock on the pantry door, where the toaster was kept. Had I been taller, this would have been a nonissue, but the fact remained that I was too short to reach the lock. However, I was determined to make toast. I knew I would be taller if I stood on something, so without another thought, I walked over to my kitchen table, grabbed a chair, and dragged it across the floor to the pantry. How I managed to undo the lock on the door is a mystery to this day. Nevertheless, I did it. The door swung open, and I was sure that I would be hindered no longer. However, when I stepped into the pantry, I was proven wrong. The toaster, which was vital to my operations, was located on a shelf, out of my reach. However, I was a clever enough child to realize that if I stood on the chair again, I could get to the toaster with ease. After doing so, I finally grabbed the toaster, hopped off of the chair, and exited the pantry. I climbed onto the counter and plugged the toaster in. Meanwhile, my brother was sitting on the floor, watching as I went about my business. After preparing the toaster, I moved across the counter to the breadbox, and got out two and a half king-sized loaves of bread—the ones that contain twenty-four pieces of bread each—and started to make what I was sure would be the best breakfast I had ever made.
Now, anyone who has ever used a toaster knows that when the toast is done, it’s still quite hot. I, being young, had forgotten this detail, and was startled when the toast almost burned my hands when I took it out after it popped. Undeterred, however, I quickly looked around and tried to decide where to put the toast while it cooled down before it was consumed. As my eyes landed on the freezer, I was struck with a brilliant idea. “The freezer is cold,” I thought to myself, “and the toast is hot. I’ll put the hot toast in the cold freezer and make it cool down faster.” I was pleased with myself for coming up with such a logical solution so quickly, and carried out the plan by taking the toast out of the toaster as soon as it was finished, then unceremoniously hurling it into the freezer, closing the door immediately afterwards, so as to prevent any toast from escaping. Each time I did this, I explained to my brother why I was doing this, exclaiming, “It’s hot, (brother's name)!”
I proceeded in this manner for roughly an hour or so, when to my dismay, I ran out of bread! This simply wouldn’t do, I thought. I had to make the best breakfast ever, with no fewer than one hundred and one pieces of toast to fill up my family. With this in mind, I started to search the cabinets for something else with which to make a delicious breakfast. It didn’t take me very long to find a box of saltine crackers. “Crackers are kind of like bread,” I thought, “so I can use these to make toast!”
While it is true that crackers and bread are somewhat similar—they have mostly the same ingredients, they’re both baked, and they can both be eaten with tuna, peanut butter, or what have you—there is a key difference that I had not thought of. Crackers are much dryer and flakier than bread, making them considerably more susceptible to catching on fire when you put them in a toaster. While this, thankfully, did not happen, they did begin to smolder a bit, which then set off the fire alarm. I was startled at the loud noise that so rudely interrupted my breakfast mission, and I turned around to see my mother running down the stairs in a bathrobe. The fact that I remember this and am alive to tell the story of it proves that my mother loves me very much, because this happened at barely 5 A.M.
My mother quickly silenced the alarm, then looked at me, who had now recovered from the shock of the alarm and was as bright-eyed as I had been when I began.
“Introvertedgenius, honey, what are you doing?” asks my mother, groggy from being suddenly woken up.
“Making a hundred and one pieces of toast!” I exclaim, grinning from ear to ear.
My mother was not quite sure what to make of this, seeing no toast anywhere, only me with a box of crackers and my baby brother on the floor. She shook her head, deciding she needed coffee before she did anything else. The coffee was kept in the freezer, so she opened it.
As the door swung open, an avalanche of cold, soggy, somewhat blackened toast is released from its former storage area, spilling all over the floor, leaving crumbs everywhere. No less than fifty-six pieces of cold, soggy, blackened toast scatters the floor of my kitchen. It is, needless to say, a mess. My mother, now very surprised, now realized where the toast that I claimed to be making had gone.
“Those were hot,” I told my mother wisely.
This is further proof that my mother loves me very much, because following the event now referred to as the “toastalanche,” she simply said, “Introvertedgenius, go play,” and began to clean up the toast.
No sooner had she started to pick up a few pieces of toast when I came running back into the kitchen as fast as my three-year-old legs will carry me, looking up at my mother with my eyes wide with shock and horror. “MOMMY,” I said with a terrified voice, “THE DOG IS DOING A TERRIBLE THING.”
As I said before, this story takes place around Christmastime. In most families, Christmas means many things, one of which is stockings filled with chocolate. My family is no exception. This year, my aunt and uncle were going to be out of town on Christmas Day, so we had celebrated Christmas on December 23rd with my aunt and uncle. My grandmom, always being the one in charge of stockings at Christmas, had brought two stockings full of chocolate for my brother and myself. After they had been joyously dumped out, their contents had been put back inside of them and set aside for later. They, along with my Christmas tree, were in my living room, where I had happily gone earlier. While in there, I had decided that I wanted some of the chocolate inside, so I naturally dumped it all over the floor, littering the ground with candy. My dog, excited at the sight of potential food, had quickly proceeded to gobble it all up.
The dog puked.
The dog puked all over the carpet.
The dog puked all over the brand-new beige carpet that was installed only a couple weeks ago.
After being fetched and seeing the aftermath of the “terrible thing,” my mother was now having a thoroughly horrible morning. However, this was not the end of the terrible things that had occurred in my living room that morning. In addition to emptying my stocking, I had also unwrapped every single present under the Christmas tree.
I should probably mention that in the winter of 1999, my mother had decided to make her own wrapping paper and paint it all my herself, putting hours into each individual bit, just to make the Christmas presents look exceptionally beautiful.
My mother is a very strong woman, but there is only so much that anyone can take. After seeing the dog vomit-covered, brand-new, beige carpet, and the torn-up, hand-painted, shredded wrapping paper, my mother began to cry. A lot.
The story ends with my mother calling my grandmom to come over and help clean up and keep me busy so I don’t ruin anything else. She did, bringing wrapping paper and chocolate—some for the stockings, and some for my now very distraught mother. I don’t remember what the rest of that day contained, but to this day I remember the events that happened that morning, and it is the most memorable (though well-intentioned) fuckup to date. It is also the reason that when my mother sees a struggling mother with a crying child in public, she reassuringly says, “Three-year-olds are demented; it’s not your fault.”
TL;DR: At the age of three, I almost ruined Christmas by making toast.
kallekilponen: Did the dog survive? (Since even a small amount of chocolate can be quite dangerous for a dog.)
Ps. You were allowed to use the toaster at age 3? My parents would never have let me go near a toaster at that age.
Introvertedgenius: Yes, the dog survived.
P.S. Yes, I was allowed to use the toaster, but I don't think I was allowed to use it at 5 A.M.
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1406598471 | 1406651912 | t3_2bypc8 | t5_2to41 | 39 | Manbearphoenix: Like not throwing bricks.
metastasis_d: Or getting better aim.
lostcountofthrowaway: Or double-tap just to make sure.
Jasondazombie: **Double Tap** *YE-HAW* **Double Tap** *YE-HAW*
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1406573104 | 1406574452 | t3_2byvnx | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to put spoons in the kid's lunchbox.
GabenOurSaviour: I think you should read some other stories on here before posting.
probablycourtneylove: I didn't promise it would be interesting.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1406578868 | 1406629161 | t3_2bz6sh | t5_2to41 | 1,646 | Turtle11111111112: TIFU by turtling an unsuspecting girl at work [nsfw]
So I'm sitting at my desk at work on reddit and I get n.a.r.b (no apparent reason boner). This is usually normal, as a man in my early 20's I get these a lot, but this one was massive, I'm talking full mast. So as I'm sitting there trying to wait it out until the urge to pee erupts, so stuff my protrusion under my waistband and walk to the bathroom. I go into the stall, finished my business, flipped it under my waistband and washed my hands. I leave the bathroom and enter the study area at my work where this young woman (at least in her 20's as well) looks at me completely mortified. Turns out I flipped my erect penis under my waistband but outside my shirt so I basically walked around with my dick sticking out of my pants like a fucking advertisement. I panicked, pulled my shirt over and shuffled to my office. I'm writing this post from there now still red faced.
TLDR: peed with a massive erection, didn't hide it well enough, showed an unsuspecting woman my turtle head.
splodgethebun: I think n.a.r.b is the best expression I have ever heard - good on you OP.
Turtle11111111112: Glad you liked it, one of those diamonds from high school
scarlson1818: We always went with NRB (no reason boner) in high school. It helped that my best friend's initials were NRB.
snatch_my_scratch: RB (random boner)
wOlfLisK: B. 3 guesses what it means.
senor_moustache: Bort
heknewnothing: Are you talking to me?
m1racle: No, my son is also named Bort.
IdSporkYouSoGood: Bort, my son is also named no.
IAmJoydeepM: No, my bort is also named Son.
Contortionate: My, no Bort is also named Son.
| 12 | 137.166667 | |
1406578922 | 1406583383 | t3_2bz6vz | t5_2to41 | 2 | UUUUGGGGHHHH: TIFU By Drinking Alcohol That Is Not Mine
Well, actually I didn't do anything recently, it's only recently that there are consequences.
Several weeks ago, I was on a bender and ran out of booze, so I drank some of my roommate's alcohol that was in his room. This was a terrible idea and it's totally not okay to do that to someone's property and it was a complete breach of trust. I was really drunk at the time and wasn't thinking clearly, and I made a mistake. He wanted to kick me out for it, and, honestly, I don't blame him.
Once he cooled off, I think he decided to give me another chance, though he never explicitly said that, as we haven't talked about it since, until this morning.
Today, I received a text, saying that some of his vodka was missing. He says that he marked it and now it's not as full. I'm the obvious culprit for two reasons: I have done that before, and I was home alone all weekend, as he was gone all weekend. There was only one visitor all weekend, and they didn't go anywhere near his room.
The problem with my being the obvious culprit, though, is that I didn't touch his stuff. I haven't even looked at his room since then, because I feel awful and I don't want to get kicked out. I did drink beer that we had in the fridge, but I never drank anything of what he said, and now I'm sitting here, waiting for him to get home from work and wondering what the fuck he's talking about and if he's going to believe me. I don't know where the bottle is and I don't know if he even marked it accurately and is just confused, or when he marked it, or if maybe even he drank some and forgot or if any is even missing.
I mean, I was honest before about drinking his stuff, I'm just hoping that he'll believe me this time, because I have no real way to prove that I didn't, and I have no real way to find any new place to live, as I am kind of broke and my parents can't take me in either. But what can I do if he doesn't believe me?
But, I guess that this just goes to show ya, don't touch other people's things without asking them. It'll destroy any trust that they may have had for you and you'll be the first suspect when anything goes wrong. Even if you didn't do anything. I didn't actually fuck up today, but I did before and I'm still dealing with the consequences.
AnonySeeb: Just buy another bottle?
UUUUGGGGHHHH: I'd be willing to if that would smooth things over, but the problem isn't the bottle itself, it's that he thinks that am stealing his shit.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406579690 | 1406666615 | t3_2bz8f5 | t5_2to41 | 75 | seriouscathealer: TIFU hula hooping while wearing a strapless dress
In front of my coworkers... They were watching me, and then suddenly they started to look different directions. I was not sure what's going on. I put the hoop down, and just realized my dress is on my belly, and my bra was barely hanging there, exposing my boobs partially.
I said oops, that was it. Everyone pretended that nothing happened. I am very embarrassed...
DETRITUS_TROLL: Short and cringe worthy.
Sivalion: Like your penis?
^sorry!
TheGamerGuyy: Rekt.
pm_me_your_nippls: rectum? damn near killed 'um!
| 5 | 15 | |
1406578684 | 1406586603 | t3_2bz6fm | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a drink with someone's mom.
When I was a dumb young Army private in basic training, I got sent home for a couple of weeks for Christmas. I was in the best shape of my life, had a uniform with badges and buttons and Army ribbons on it; I couldn't help but get laid right?
Not so much. I burned the first ten days having dinner with every extended family member in the goddamn phone book. One waitress dropped her number in my lap, but I was 18, and shy, and kind of awkward, and the thought of calling a random stranger, no matter how hot, was terrifying.
Four days left to convince someone to have sex with me, and the skeezy 24 year old guy who bought us booze in high school calls me up about a party. I begged off saying I had another family dinner to go to because I didn't want to spend the night as an accessory to statutory rape. Ten minutes later, my best friend calls me up to tell me about a bad-ass New Years party at Girl's house. I'm down, so he tells me to meet him and that skeezy dude who used to buy us booze at the 7-11 down the road.
The three of us get to Girl's house, and it's a proper party. Everyone is shitty drunk, I don't know most of the people there, and Girl's mom was buying all the liquor, so no chance of cops.
Things get a little blurry after that, but after we took my friend home with a potentially lethal case of alcohol poisoning, me and Girl wound up in the garage with some people, doing shots and bullshitting about the Army and whatnot. On cue, everyone else disappears so Girl and I can do our thing.
Exhausted and dehydrated some time later, we split off and do the whole, "I'll leave fifteen minutes after you so no one knows what we were doing back here" routine. Because that always works. 100%.
I throw my clothes on and head back into the kitchen to pour myself a drink, when Girl's mom gets back from the liquor store with more party supplies. She grabs a drink and sits down at the kitchen table with me to ask me all about basic training, and how much I like the Army, and if I know where I'll get stationed, etc. We're shooting the shit, my boyish charm has her positively beaming at me, and her daughter stumbles out of the garage in her bra and panties.
Girl beelines straight to me, collapses in my lap, looks at the clock on the oven and blurts out, "Oh my god, I can't believe we just fucked for an hour!" I glanced back at her mom for half a second, but I couldn't actually look at her. I felt every single drop of blood rush straight to my face, and all I could do was stare up at the ceiling and hope that a meteor was coming down to kill us all.
After mouth-fucking my neck for a couple of minutes, Girl dragged me back to her room and swore that everything was cool, her mom wasn't mad at me or anything, and that she had even told Girl earlier that day that she was a little too wound up and needed to get some strange at this party.
Sure enough, when I went back to the Kitchen for some water, her mom was giggling at me and telling me how cute Girl said I was when I first walked in the door. Fucking unique family.
Stayed for three days in the longest marathon of thrusting I have experienced before or since.
jackpaxx: So.. what's the fuck up here? This just sounds like you're bragging about having sex.
hiimcloudy: Not including her mom
ExtropianAtheist: This guy knows what's up.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1406579752 | 1406625038 | t3_2bz8ip | t5_2to41 | 104 | ohanian: TIFU by pulling when I should have pushed
So, a little background first: one of my closest friends growing up our high school's principal's son. I've been over to his house quite a few times, but I hardly know his dad, just the casual "hey, Mr. Danton" etc.
So, it's been a couple months since I've been to his house, with college and all. So, I went over last night to hang out just for old times' sake. Now, this is some important exposition for the total fuck-up I did: Turns out his dad has been remodeling the bathroom completely, retiling the walls, pulling out the sink, replacing the carpeted floor with new tiles, etc. He did something with the wall, so there's a huge hole in the wall where you can see all the wires and beams and stuff. It's only on one side, the bathroom side, so there's still a boundary between the bathroom and the room next to it. The carpet's still there, but there was a stack of ceramic tiles next to the wall (which I assume will be used to replace the carpet later), with a receipt next to it.
So, as I'm finishing up, I turn to leave the bathroom and try and open the door. The doorknob turns, but no matter how hard I pull, the door just won't open. I keep pulling and pulling, but it won't budge. I eventually think that it's my friend screwing with me (standing on the other side pulling on the door to keep it shut), since he's done that before. I just keep pulling, but it won't open, so I eventually yell out to him to open the door or else. I don't hear any reply, so I keep pulling. The door still won't open, and he's this big football player, so I know force isn't the answer.
I look around and I realize that the one person he's scared of is his dad. So, I know that this bathroom was his dad's pet project, so I decide to mess back with him. I pick up one of the tiles and tell him I'm break the tiles unless he opens the door. Apparently, the receipt says it costs $15 for these tiles each, so I think that this will convince him. It's not super expensive that I can't pay for it back, but it's expensive enough that his dad will probably get pissed at him for messing with me. So, I keep threatening him, but I don't hear him reply, so I throw the tile onto the carpet.
It doesn't break, so I realize that I need to find another way to break it. So, being the genius that I am, I throw it against the wall behind me. Yes, the same wall that his dad had made a hole into. The tile launches itself through the wall and creates a massive hole in the already weakened wall.
And through this now gaping hole, I see his dad tied to the bedposts of the master bed, with fluffy bunny ears and completely naked. My friend's mom is standing at the side dressed in this tight leather suit with a whip in one hand. And there's a camera next to the bed, filming all of this.
They both see me staring and start stammering, but I've already seen enough, so I scramble out of the room, fumbling with the door and pushing it open. Yes, PUSHING it open. Apparently, they also re-installed the door and now it pushes open, not pulls.
tl;dr I got mad at my "friend" for locking me in the bathroom, destroyed his bathroom wall, and saw my high school principal making a sex tape.
PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS: This is partly their fuck up. Bathroom doors should swing inwards. In case of a fire, if there's a blockage in front of an outward-swinging door, you're fucked.
But why the hell would you destroy a person's property like that? Poor strategy, poor execution.
OP's fuckup: 2/10
Result: 10/10
Froggietwofrog: I think a lot of people do this door thingy though, to leave more free space in the bathroom.
PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS: In many places that's against building code. Probably not universal though.
Username__Irrelevant: Yeah probably no regulatuions for that stuff on jupiter
| 5 | 20.8 | |
1406579139 | 1406580831 | t3_2bz7b8 | t5_2to41 | 11 | DeximYrreb: TIFU by farting on my gf on our 1 month aniversary
This was a couple months ago sorry.. Okay, so the gf and I WERE spending the day together because it was our day. All was going well while we chilled on the couch fooling around.. WELL, i've been holding in my butt yodeling all day and the pressure was building. I was waiting for an opportunity to open so I could get away for a sec and release my rectal turbulence like a gentlemen in the privacy of my bathroom. Time was passing and I knew soon I was going to as well if she did not get off of me. Some were letting off already, but with all my strength I SQUEEZED still trying to look like everything was fine..I never have had to fart that bad before in my life. The gf realized what was happening and in the process of getting off of me she shifted her weight on my gut to do so, releasing bursts of my shameful air biscuits. Boy was she shocked.. she didnt even get off of me fully.. she just sat there looking at me in disbelief. I started to uncontrollably laugh because farts are funny.. but at the same time the embarrassment was killing me.. I tried explaining to her that it was a way of me showing that I feel comfortable around her. She ended up leaving not 10 minutes later after telling me, "that was gross."
EDIT: I got her to laugh about it eventually (Sorry for not realizing anniversary's are once a year before posting this.. so just laugh at my stupidity, dont make me feel bad)
Julihaan: Dam that sucks. Yeah it seems like it is hard to hold in farts. Are you guys still together?
DeximYrreb: No.. but its not because of me farting.. but i can tell you that was the first and last time lol
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406580022 | 1406617357 | t3_2bz912 | t5_2to41 | 7 | hiimcloudy: TIFU First time driving in SF
A few months ago, my friends and I decided to go to a club in San Francisco for my friend's birthday. Since I was the only one not drinking, I was honored with the task of being the DD. I did not have a car at the time, so my friend agreed to let me use her car as long as I didn't crash it. So we leave campus with no problems, and I'm feeling pretty nervous about driving at night in a city that I'm not use to driving in (I'm from Los Angeles, what's a 1 way street?).
First mistake, miscalculating sharp freeway turns. This resulted in us almost falling off the freeway overpass. (Live life on the edge)
Second mistake, being totally oblivious to the stop lights. I blew the first red light without even noticing it. Then, I proceed to blow ANOTHER red light. I was halfway through the intersection when I realized that the light was red and cars were coming at me from both sides. Panicking, I floored the accelerator and blew by pedestrians who were already crossing, barely missing one of them.
Third mistake, not being aware of random pedestrians. I was turning right at a red light, WHEN SUDDENLY... A COUPLE APPEARS IN FRONT OF ME. So instead of doing the reasonable thing and stopping, I speed up and nearly run over them.
Needless to say, I'll never be driving my friend's car again. I'm still traumatized by this event. FML.
doghairbrusher: That's horrible! You should never drive any car again. Running red lights, almost hitting pedestrians? How retarded do you have to be to not notice two red lights? I've got $50 saying you're an Asian women
hiimcloudy: Well... you get $25... Asian male...
elmonk: i just made a strange noise between a chuckle, howl, and squeal of delight
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1406580433 | 1406586823 | t3_2bz9tp | t5_2to41 | 18 | darpacheetos: TIFU by drinking a milkshake.
LaDarkPhoenix: >sitting so high up in my seat that my balls were resting on the steering wheel
Nice poetic skills OP
darpacheetos: Appreciate it haha.
LaDarkPhoenix: Gonna have to give you a gold for that actually, you had me cracking up at 2AM
darpacheetos: Thanks for the gold! Glad you enjoyed it.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1406581074 | 1406682965 | t3_2bzb2q | t5_2to41 | 61 | rustier_trombone: TIFU by torrenting
I went home for the weekend and decided to refill my "movies" folder.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Everything downloaded as expected and was peachy keen. I went back to school/work no problem-o. Now here's the fuck up. I just got an email from my dad saying that Comcast (FUCK THEM) caught us using peer-to-peer software. I don't know what the letters look like and I'm really hoping it doesn't show titles. Good thing I'm not going home any time soon. Fuck...
UPDATE: Since I'm not gonna see my parents for about a month, I've decided the best course of action is complete and total silence, pray like hell it wasn't the weird shit I was downloading and hope they forget about it.
UPDATE 2:I had to call home and my dad picked up the phone. He didn't mention anything, I think the old age is really starting to kick in now.
[deleted]: Comcast didn't "catch you", an Anti P2P group that was paid to monitor those torrents had a letter automatically sent to your ISP and your ISP caved. Well, they didn't cave, Comcast is in cahoots with asshats like that and gladly did it, but other small ISP's will 'cave' out of fear.
Start using Peerblock with default lists and you won't get letters.
Ignore my terrible post history, I'm being serious with this post.
IDreamOfAnarchy: > Peerblock
No...no, one should never recommend Peerblock...ever. It is ineffective, and very often counter productive and just makes everything harder to do.
[deleted]: It's very effective, all that matters is not getting letters sent, that is the real goal, he's not trying to be truly anonymous.
A proper IP filter will accomplish this.
You can recommend a bunch of other shit that costs money and/or is more complicated, but even then you're still not anonymous.
Properly used ip filters prevent anti P2P letters, it's as simple as that.
IDreamOfAnarchy: Peerblock doesn't work like that.
>Peerblock is free software designed to block IP addresses from connecting to you. The program uses lists of blocklists that are user selectable to block supposedly malicious IP addresses. This might have worked well for keeping you safe using some filesharing protocols but it doesn't work with bittorrent. Even if the lists were perfect (they aren't) it still would not keep your IP address from being visible, which is how bittorrent users get caught. It doesn't keep you safe at all, blocks loads of non-malicious IP addresses and wastes resources on your computer. Loads of people say that it does work, those people have just gotten lucky and not been caught. Peerblock hasn't kept them safe, luck has. Use the software if you like, just don't advertise it here.
EDIT: I want to add that I am not badmouthing this software without having used it. I have used it. I have gotten caught using it. I have gotten caught using it while my upload speed was set to 0. I then actually learned about how the bittorrent protocol works. Bittorrent makes your IP available to everyone in the swarm, whether or not you have downloaded or uploaded. Blocking other IP addresses does not keep yours from being seen. -/u/FUCK_THEECRUNCH
The program is actually banned from being mentioned over at /r/torrents. People say that it is better than nothing...it is in fact exactly the same as nothing.
[deleted]: No, it's not the same as nothing, I've seen that misinformation thrown around countless times.
Does it make you anonymous ? No
Will it most likely prevent you from getting an AntiP2P letter ? Yes
All that matters is that a letter won't be sent out, and most likely it's because there are plenty of people not using ip filters and those people will admit to downloading whatever they were because they're ignorant.
IDreamOfAnarchy: But the ip filters simply don't help anything. I'm just going to leave these links here...
http://www.reddit.com/r/torrents/comments/17gold/can_we_have_a_new_rule_regarding_peerblock_please/
http://www.reddit.com/r/torrents/comments/1mfd23/so_what_is_peerblock_good_for/
http://www.reddit.com/r/torrents/comments/27c60u/so_is_there_any_use_left_in_peerblock_short/
http://www.reddit.com/r/torrents/comments/12wx3y/peerblockpeerguardian/
If you want to learn what will actually help with not getting caught, take glance over at /r/VPN and /r/seedboxes or try switching over to private trackers. Also, those letters are meaningless, just scare tactics. They don't really care about one download, it's the ones who upload for several thousands that most try to go after.
[deleted]: Another person mentioning VPN.
VPN is not secure, not at all. There's plenty of research and evidence for this.
Also, a VPN's anonymity is easily negated when that VPN gives in and shares all logs. (you'd like to think they don't keep logs)
Private trackers don't protect anyone, how do you not understand this, if anyone can sign up for a private tracker, what's stopping the Anti P2P groups ? Nothing, there's plenty of evidence that shows anti P2P groups being active in private trackers.
IDreamOfAnarchy: Woah, woah, woah, hold up for a second. At this point, I'm like 60% convinced you're just trolling me. We can debate how useful peerblock is or is not (HINT: it is not) but you cannot honestly tell me that you have deluded yourself into believing that an ip filter will do more to protect your privacy than a VPN. Certain VPNs like PIA (Private Internet Access) are all about the user's privacy and, as much as you'd like to think the world is against you, do not actually keep logs. Please, show me the research and evidence that VPNs are not secure at all.
| 9 | 6.777778 | |
1406577335 | 1406590949 | t3_2bz3ux | t5_2to41 | 3 | Dinosoarman: Tifu by getting banned from /r/askreddit.
hardNheavy: that will teach you to talk shit about someone when YOU'RE WRONG
Dinosoarman: No! I am not wrong!
| 3 | 1 | |
1406581694 | 1406651225 | t3_2bzc9l | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be a 'good parent'
I had my daughter when I was 17 so we have a pretty open relationship and I can relate better to her than my own parents when I was growing up. She sees me as friend and parent which lately with her turning 13 this year I can see how it's going to bite me in the ass especially with the preteen attitude. Anyway as a gamer I know the importance of saving and how wrong it is to just shut off a game without saving. However lately when we've had places to be and is tell her to get off the game she would purposely take her time before actually saving. So in an attempt to assert my role as parent I threatened to shut off the xbox while she was playing mid game, only my finger slipped and I actually turned it off. The look on her face broke my heart and now I feel like a shitty person typing this out and she's sitting next to me in complete silence. Wonderful.
Swag0verload: what game was she playing?
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: http://animalcrossing.wikia.com/wiki/Resetti
autowikiabot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Resetti**](https://animalcrossing.wikia.com/wiki/Resetti): [](#sfw)
---
>
>>"*Think about it, will ya? What, you wanna fix all the things that go wrong? You wanna snap your fingers and erase your screw-ups? Sure, who don't?*"
>>— Mr. Resetti, *Animal Crossing: Wild World*
>__Resetti__ (リセットさん, *Mr. Reset/Risetto-san*), also known as __Mr. Resetti__, is a mole that appears in all the *Animal Crossing* series games. His job is to make sure that all players save continuously throughout gameplay. The more the player resets within the Animal Crossing games (or turns off the power without saving), the harsher he gets, so people must make sure that they save their game. Resetting the game too many times will lead to a "fake" reset. After resetting many times in *Animal Crossing: Wild World* he will talk about his cousin Vicious Vole Vinnie (Possibly referencing the movie *My Cousin Vinny*). His first name is revealed to be "Sonny" in *Animal Crossing* and *Animal Crossing: City Folk* by his calmer, older brother Don Resetti.
>
---
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| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406581493 | 1406603134 | t3_2bzbvf | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by pushing to early and sharting myself
kinda_alone: Hi,
Your submission has been removed. This is would be more appropriate for I Shit myself Saturday. Please repost then.
ExtropianAtheist: Holy crap... I didn't know that was a thing!
kinda_alone: No worries. Just save the story and repost it Saturday.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1406581907 | 1406623067 | t3_2bzco2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | shittysoccergirl: TIFU and made it look like I beat up a soccer player for petty reasons.
The weather was nice today, so I took my niece to the library playground. She was building a tower with her blocks when a rogue soccer ball kicked by a nearby practicing team came flying and knocked them down. The soccer girl ran over, apologizing profusely. I told her no harm done, and got up to kick the ball back to her teammates. However, being the uncoordinated bitch I am, my foot missed the ball entirely and nailed her right in the crotch. She squeaked and dropped like a stone, grabbing herself. Her teammates and apparently everyone in the general fucking vicinity gasped. "Oh my god!" "Did you see what that chick did??" "A fucking block tower!" "They let that bitch have a kid?" Suddenly, the whole playground looked ready to kill me as this poor girl was just rolling in the dirt, gasping. She sounded kind of like that infamous [grape-stomping anchor](http://youtu.be/aMS0O3kknvk?t=50s). I tried to explain the situation, but nobody was willing to hear it. Her teammates just screamed at me for being a poor sport as the kicked girl occasionally raised her head to yell "Bitch!" I'm sure the only reason I didn't get soccer-stomped by the whole team is because I had a kid with me. I don't think I can go back to the library.
TL;DR Accidentally kicked a soccer player in the vagina and her teammates (plus a whole playground full of kids and moms) think I did it for petty revenge.
hiimcloudy: I feel embarassed from just reading that. Im so sorry, OP.
Try MMA instead of soccer?
Don't worry. Ive missed an open net before... but at least I connected with the ball LOL
Slip_85: Groin strikes are banned in MMA, that won't work either. It's back alley street fights or bust.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406584293 | 1406649279 | t3_2bzh3s | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in the bathroom at work
So this was actually Friday ...
I was browsing online and got a bit horny so I decided to take a trip the the bathroom and masturbate. I was really getting into it leaning back against the toilet with my dick out rubbing and stroking away. I eventually closed my eyes for a couple minutes, picturing a girl I work with in our department, and when I open them the guy in the next stall is on his hands and knees looking under the divider at me! I guess I must have been making a decent amount of noise. Around that same time a few more people came in and the looker got up but kept putting his hand under the divider like he wanted me to give him my dick. I zipped up and left in a hurry without finishing and eventually went to a different bathroom.
So now I've been thinking and kind of wished I would have stayed. I'm not gay but somewhat curious and think I might like having some fun.
Not sure what to do now.
[deleted]: Maybe he was asking for toilet paper...
[deleted]: THAT would have been funny if OP put his dick in his hand and that was the case...we'd see "TIFU by asking for TP from the guy in the stall next to me who was jacking off"
[deleted]: hahahaha too funny!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406584846 | 1406664799 | t3_2bzi4x | t5_2to41 | 9 | ExtropianAtheist: TIFU by jumping a curb with my new bike.
So, I recently decided I wanted to get into mountain biking. I have a lot of friends who do it and I lost a bunch of weight over the last few years, so I figured why not.
So I found a great deal on a barely used bike on Craigslist that is actually way nicer than I need, frankly the bike is out of my league. This is also the first time I have been on a bike in over 15 years... I spent the first week taking it easy. Getting a feel for things like riding with a backpack, even got my dog to go out with me. So as they say "it's like riding a bike." many of the tricks I learned as a young child have slowly been coming back and my comfort/confidence on the bike has grown quickly. Well my dorky self loves jumping off curbs... I know it's simple but damnit I enjoy it!
So on my way to work today, I have a 40 pound back pack on (full of broken computer parts...) and my skellytoe shoes (the ones with the toes, usually for swimming) on because I was in a rush. Well the shoes have little to no grip on the bottom so as I jumped off a curb my feet slipped and my bike seat attempted to establish dominance by bronco busting my anus hole... So now I have a visible bruise on the outside of my poop shoot that hurts like hell every time I go to make brown water or sit down.
TL;DR my bike seat tried to sodomize me dry and now it hurts when I poop. My brown eye got a black eye.
DrakeMaijstral: Poop shoot? Its not supposed to do that - you might want to see a doctor. :)
ExtropianAtheist: Well as of yesterday it doesn't do that any more....
| 3 | 3 | |
1406586585 | 1406598239 | t3_2bzlc8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a mom to shut her child up in a library.
Unable to to study for my exams at home I go to my local library to study. This careless motber decides to bring her rowdy ass child in and this little shit is screaming so loud I feel like I'm at the zoo. This entire time this bitch of a mom decides to let him do as he pleases. Pissed...I go downstairs and tell her to please try and keep her child under control.
She scoffs at me as if she didn't hear me.
So loudly I say " Listen you stupid cunt this is a LIBRARY control your offspring or get the fuck out. "
I finally got her attention. She threatened to call the cops for harassing her and I told her to go right ahead. I went back to studying. The cops showed up and I went outside...apparenly she accused me of assaulting her? Good thing there were others around to say that was bullshit.
She leaves with absolutely no repercussions...but sad thing is now I'm banned from the library.
rocketsquirrel2: You should not confront people like here directly if you cannot hold your temper. Report them to the Librarian. Record her and her child running wild and turn it in to the Administrators. Be sure to include the names of Library staff on duty who failed to enforce policy.
If all else fails. Send it your local news and ask them to look into parents allowing their young children to run wild, endangering themselves and damaging public property.
TParis00ap: What makes you think she can't hold her temper? Because she cursed? If she hit the lady on the head with her purse, straddled her, beat the crap out of her, and then dragged her by the hair outside - okay, she can't control her temper. But cursing? Really? Puh leaze!
rocketsquirrel2: Most states have courtesy laws. You can be arrested for cursing someone out, especially with the langue she used. All she is proving is that she is just as ill mannered as the woman she is complaining against. If the mother and child were disruptive. She should have taken her complaint to the librarian rather than looking for a scene.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406586860 | 1406615517 | t3_2bzluq | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by mopping my kitchen floor.
... with a mixture of bleach and vinegar. I filled up one side of my kitchen sink with hot water, some soap, and generous portions of vinegar and bleach. The cleaning was going fine for a while, but I started to notice my eyes stinging. A little while later I started coughing and feeling lightheaded. I left the room and googled "vinegar and bleach," and found that I had been creating a mini chlorine gas chamber in my kitchen.
All I wanted to do was get the cat piss off the floor...
808metz: Open the mutha fuckin windows bitch
[deleted]: O.o I'm seeing your posts everywhere.
808metz: YOU MAD? lol. Im sorry if you dont like my posts but Im so bored at work man. I have NOTHING to do but play around reddit.
[deleted]: Lol, I'm not mad. I'm just worried I might be spending too much time on reddit, since I'm recognizing frequent posters.
808metz: That makes two of us. haha
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1406577726 | 1406605735 | t3_2bz4ls | t5_2to41 | 10 | bloodymuffin13: TIFU by asking a customer if they wanted the "cucci special"
This was actually about two years ago, but I'll tell it now. I work in a restaurant as a food runner and bus boy aka the person that isn't your waiter that brings you your food. Anyways, one of the specials that my boss was running was jokingly put in the computer system as "cucci special", so it showed up on kitchen tickets as such, but being the dumbass that I am, just thought that was the name of it because I didn't know what "cucci" meant. I take one out to a table, thinking literally nothing of it, and ask, "who got the cucci special?" Luckily for me, the customer, who happened to be a lady, didn't say anything about it and probably thought she misheard me. So I set the food down, still with a 100% poker face since it had no meaning to me, and continued about my job. Maybe a minute or two later, one of the severs comes up to me laughing pretty hard and says, "you can't tell them it's a cucci special are you kidding me", and now I start to realize that I did something bad. I was basically the innocent white kid around there (basically all white staff, but I'm pretty much extra white), so nobody was that surprised or even angry at me, and we laughed it off. Luckily it didn't happen to some crabby customer because we didn't hear any complaints about it or get threatened in any way, so I kept my job even though I had a pretty bad fu.
[deleted]: I don't get it, what does cucci mean?
RainbowDashisbeast2: A snatch,poontang, pussy, or vajayjay.
iamthedigitalcheese: Coincidentally, fish tacos especial.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406588842 | 1406591935 | t3_2bzpbg | t5_2to41 | 11 | Ephidrineon: TIFU by jumping onto my bed
I'm 16 years old and I live in germany. I own a tablet which I got for christmas (it's one of those relatively cheap china ones, offering great value for the price tho), usually it's resting on my bed. I had charged it up and turned it off. I was sitting on my pc, while my dog was chewing his bone and playing with my blanket. When I noticed (I was listening to music on headphones at the pc - I love listening at high volume levels), I told him to stop and he walked away. A few hours later, I wanted to watch some tv, so I grabbed my tv remote and saw my blanket and pillows stuffed together. So I leaped on my bed - feet first, to slide in nicely. Shortly after the impact I realized... where did my tablet go? I found it between the blanket and pillows - direct impact. It was dark and it was turned off, so I didn't see anything on the display. I assumed it was okay since I wasn't able to spot damage in the low light and it was in the blankets anyway. I set it aside and watched tv. The next day, I wanted to check on the news and read on reddit after getting up, so I grabbed my tablet. Holy f***, the whole thing was shattered. I had something like this on my phone once, so I thought it'd be okay to use it until I would get myself an upgrade some time - I'm not a huge tablet user and actually don't NEED one. I turned it on, and well, you can't see shit. It's all white, along with some black lines and strange flickering shit going on. Awesome, my parents are going to screw me.
tl;dr - accidentally jumped on my tablet because my dog placed it under my blanket.
ExtropianAtheist: Just tell your parents the dog chewed it or something. Remember kids, most of your problems can be solved with lying.
Ephidrineon: I'll probably be blaming it on temperature changes or some other stuff. Gonna say I woke up to it or wait until my dad wants to borrow it and give it to him in a case so I can blame it on transportation. Whatever I'm creative.
But I don't want to blame it on the dog... I mean, I can't blame it on my best friend
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406588370 | 1406594538 | t3_2bzoi5 | t5_2to41 | 9 | shittiest_scientist: TIFU by posting here.
fellaphant: So bring it on over here so you can get more hate mail from a different subreddit. Makes sense.
Teotwawki69: Or relink to it for more hate from the same subreddit. Although none of that hate is deserved.
fellaphant: I agree. So what if you want to cover yourself with poop. Who I am to judge? I'm actually kinda happy for the couple.
I just spent too much of my time trying to come up with a "two peas in a pod" quote involving poop or turds but I've got nothing. I'm disappointed in myself.
shittiest_scientist: If it makes you feel any better, my wife and I couldn't think of any either.
fellaphant: Two poops in the pot... That's the best I've got. Just doesn't have that jazzy ring to it.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1406592803 | 1406595193 | t3_2bzvw7 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Seraphym87: TIFU by revealing to one of my best friends that he showed me nsfw pics of his GF while he was shitfaced.
This actually happened about a week ago, but ended up blowing up today. I recenty ran through a master's program in statistics with this guy, and we got pretty close as friends. Fast forward a year and a half later, we're chilling at a pool, and he's talking about this girl that he met on Tinder. Now she seemed a little loose to me, and in my slightly drunken stupor, I maybe might have implied that I could probably do her at will.
Yeah, i know.
In any case, zoom to around 5 am in the morning ,we'd been doing shots for a while and he comes up to me and says " You know how i know you cant bone her ? " , and he brings up his phone and shows me a couple pics she sent him. I'm like, put that shit away and we just hung out for a while and crashed. A week later ( about 45 minutes ago, actually ) , i happen to mention the pics, and did not remember any of it AT ALL. So I'm trying to calm him down, but he's not having it, says I failed him as a friend and should have refused, etc etc.
Tl;Dr Friend showed me nudie pics of tinder girl, forgot, then accused me being a dick and deleted me off everything and im sadface.
Seriously i just want my friend back, this sucks.
TheDemonClown: Your friend sounds like an asshole if he's gonna get pissed at you over something he did without any input from you.
Seraphym87: : / I still feel like shit, i *should* have respectfully declined.
Then again maybe I should just not have mentioned it at all.
TheDemonClown: You told him to put it away. Given that he just whipped out his phone, what else could you've done?
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1406587233 | 1406635835 | t3_2bzmje | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by posting an askreddit question.
In New York with my parents for my senior trip. We are leaving and get to the airport like 4 hours early. I'm bored so I post a question on askreddit. Didn't expect it to take off but it does and my inbox gets flooded. I'm on my phone and I'm getting notification after notification of replies on my phone. Little do I know this drains my battery. I get up to go look for some food. I see a sign that says food court and follow it. Little do I know it leads me out of my gate to where I cannot re-enter. I left my boarding pass and wallet with my parents and I need both of those to get back through security. Pull out my phone to call them but it is now dead. I have no way to get back into the terminal and my parents dont know where I am. After we miss our flight they finally find me and hand off my stuff so I can get back in. They are infuriated with my stupidity as we have to purchase new tickets to get home 5 hours later than before.
Shitter_Splitter: That sucks. I'm kind of at a loss though as to why you didn't explain your situation and ask to use someones else's phone.
sit_and_stare: Good idea, Im sure if you explained yourself someone would allow you to use their phone. Or you could find a pay phone as I am sure there are some in the terminal.
Shitter_Splitter: Do high school seniors these days even know what a pay phone is?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406594379 | 1406647217 | t3_2bzyel | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing on an authority
So, as a 17 year old living in central Nebraska, corn detasseling is the best means of short term income. For those who don't know, the job consists mainly of walking through a corn field for 8 hours a day.
Anyone who's ever done it before, be honest, you peed in the field at least once. Needless to say this is frowned upon in the management.
Meet Charles. Official Monsanto safety police. He's an enormous bearded man with the most gentle British voice. It's like syrup descending from the heaven of audiobook recordings. He's a friendly giant, but he actually does his job, and literally fired two kids for throwing corn at each other.
Anyways I'm walkin through the field, gotta piss, so I walk over into some other guy's row and start doing my business. The frightening thing is the safety OCCASIONALLY (I observed it only once prior) walks through the field making sure everyone has their hats and safety glasses on.
As is clear by now, he walked through in the row behind me, and scared the living hell out of me. I'm ashamed to write this out, but I whirled around and dowsed his pant leg. Never will I forget that incredibly pleasant voice saying: "did you really think that was a great idea...?"
I got canned.
TLDR: I was walking through corn, was startled, turn around and peed on our safety guy.
Edit: spelling
FNABolt: Pissed your job away.
teiu88: He was probably pissed.
Keithic: piss
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406594558 | 1406613433 | t3_2bzyos | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my ex-teacher cry at my workplace.
So a couple of weeks ago I started a new job at a convenience store attached to a gas station. Today my old teacher came in, a woman who tortured my friends and I both in and outside of class. She was just one of those really nasty teachers who targeted students and made them miserable, and it's no secret in my small town that I don't like her. Anyway, she came in and needed a print out from me, so I quickly printed it out and set it on the counter for her while I helped another customer. After that customer left she grabbed her receipt, said thank you, and started to walk away.
I started working on something different, not really wanting to talk to her, and then I realized that she was still there, talking to my coworker. She was pissed because I didn't say your welcome, and was asking my coworker why I hadn't said it. My coworkeer awkwardly turned to me and said "Umm, she said thank you." I was pretty confused, so I just said "Oh, okay..." and then went back to what I was doing. The teacher was staring daggers at me, but seemed satisfied and left. After she was out the door my coworker asked what the heck happened, and I said simply that I didn't like that teacher and didn't like talking to her. No big deal, right? Wrong. Because she was coming back inside.
By this point a couple of people had come up to be rung through, so I went back to work as the teacher reentered the store and stood silently by the cash waiting for me to be done. I rang through a couple more customers, my face getting red and my hands starting to shake (I was really nervous). The line is soon empty, and the teacher comes up to the counter and starts angrilly asking me what my problem is. She says that I ignored her thank you and then rolled my eyes at her (no, I didn't, but whatever), and demands to know why. I'm very uncomfortable, my coworker is very uncomfortable, and there are other customers around who can hear this outburst.
I awkwardly say I'm sorry, and then tell her I don't know what she wants me to say at this point. She gets even more upset and demands that I tell her why I don't like her, getting louder and more worked up while I get more and more embarrassed. She finally quiets down, and I, in a panic and a desperate attempts to make her leave, say "Well, I just, I just didn't think you treated me all that well in school..." and at this point she fucking explodes. This woman, who is in her forties BTW, starts yelling at me that I'm working with the public, and that she doesn't deserve to be treated like that, and what a horrible person I am. She then starts crying and runs out of the store.
So now I get to go into work tomorrow and possibly being fired for disrespecting this crazy woman, who overreacted and humiliated me at work. Can't wait. And before you say anything, I know I was rude, that's why this is under TIFU ha ha, but my coworker agreed that her reaction was totally inappropriate, seeing as how all I did was not say your welcome.
LordFappingwood: Let's see: she was a bitch for years. You weren't outgoing to her that day, but you were calm and courteous by most people's standards. She chose to make it a deal. She then chose to be as childish as possible. "Why don't you like meeeeeeee *sniff* eeeeeeee?" Boo fucking hoo for her. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. OP, as someone who has dealt with second generation money, rich, entitled types as a cashier, I'd buy you a beer. Your old teacher has become her own karma punishment.
[deleted]: This. Nicer and calmer than I would have been.
| 3 | 18.333333 | |
1406595675 | 1406596698 | t3_2c00et | t5_2to41 | 14 | BatBoy1198: TIFU by reading TIFU
So a couple days ago i wanted to spend the day with my boyfriend of 3 months at my house. Let's call my boyfriend Ash. And we were bored so i decided to go on my computer, while he was using the bathroom. I logged onto TIFU and started reading them laughing. Ash had walked in when i was reading one and said, "Oh, so what have you fucked up doing?" And i said, "That's not how it works... I don't have to fuck up to be on this website." And we started arguing back and forth, starting a huge unnecessary argument. He left early and I spent the day annoyed. Ash being, well, Ash, came back the next day and gave me attitude the entire time. Me being, well, me, I gave him attitude back. So, the whole day was SUPER awkward until i gave in and apologized. We went back to normal and everything was fine, until he said, "Wait, if you didn't fuck up, then why did you just apologize." That started another argument and he ended up going home again. The next day, yesterday, he came back, this time with a box of my things. He told me that he can't be with someone who lies. I defended myself, saying that i'm not a liar. He didn't believe me, and asked for his stuff back. I,after crying for a couple hours, eventually went to his house and gave them back. So here i am, single and annoyed. -_-
themusicliveson: Ash sounds like an immature dick. You're better off.
TonytheGemmer: Ash is better off with pikachu.
im sorry
BatBoy1198: I was waiting for that
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1406595436 | 1406644115 | t3_2c002a | t5_2to41 | 199 | RandomRedditNameYAY: TIFU by ejaculating on my buddy's couch + sister [NSFW]
So my buddy's parents where on vacation and decided to leave the house to him for the week. Like the 16-17 year olds we are we where going to use this opportunity to go the nightclub near his house, and then sleep in the house afterwards. The plan was made and we where going to have pre drinks in a few hours with another friend and 4 foreign friends of his wich he wanted to show a good time.
Once we where all at the house my buddy and I met the foreigners: 1 dude with his little sister, girlfriend, and another random girl. We proceed to get shitfaced and I notice that the sister is quite touchy and wants to share very personal story's with me, tipsy me didn't think much if it and we went to the nightclub.
Once back at the house we eat and drink some more and then all find a place to sleep. I was going to sleep in my buddy's couch and the sister tought that sleeping in my arms was the best thing to do. Again i didn't occur to me that things could get inappropriate because her brother was going to sleep 2 meters away from us. The lights go off and almost instantly we start to dry hump each other, what lead to us making out, what lead to me feeling her up, what lead to me fingering her while she gave me a handjob. As the drunk 16 yearold virgin I am I wasn't going to stop this from happening. We eventually fell asleep.
Morning comes and i wake up next to one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen, some sticky underpants and a white stain in my friends couch. The stain wasn't discovered and I didn't tell anyone I fooled around with Shrek 2.0 but the shame and the weird look from her brother when he saw her sleeping on top of me will haunt me for quite a while.
TL; DR: Got drunk. Fooled around with the hideous sister of a friend while the friend/brother was 2 meters away from me. Probably left some love juice on another friends couch too.
idkwhat2: I'm really sorry that you fingered Fiona, but let me give you an LPT for future use: stop getting sloppy drunk and start paying attention in English class, right fucking now.
PUAtheist: OP you can still walk away from this without it being a fuck up by listening to this person.
808metz: OP please listen
joey_bag_of_anuses: Please OP...please.
808metz: OP... Plis
disturbed434: OPls
Braakman: OP, if reddit warns you like this. You listen.
nemajen19: OP PLESS
theotherjim: TOPPLESS
Uitz: OP pls deliver
Odwar: I trust op will deliver
| 12 | 16.583333 | |
1406596098 | 1406602326 | t3_2c012s | t5_2to41 | 47 | GoingInTheGarbaje: TIFU by opening Amazon packages too fast
I'm a college student living at home for the summer, and I've been looking for a good set of speakers for my room that will last a good amount of time after college. Thanks to the folks over at /r/audiophile, I found an affordable system and ordered it last Tuesday. I've been anxiously awaiting it's arrival ever since. I knew it was supposed to arrive today so work dragged along for what seemed like eternity. All I wanted to do was get home, tear open the box and set everything up. Finally the time came. I wasn't sure if it had arrived yet, but as soon as I walked in the door my mom told me my packages were waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I ran over, grabbed both boxes and headed up to my room.
Wanting to save the best for last, I opened the smaller box first. I had ordered some audio and speaker cables along with the speakers so I assumed that's what would be in the smaller box. The box tore apart fast enough, and inside was just one long package wrapped in tape. I picked it up and began picking at the pesky tape. I thought to myself, "huh this does not feel like a pack of cables.." After a few seconds, I got my first peak through the tape to see a skin colored rubber base. "Oh no way, please god no" was my first thought. After my brain processed that I was holding a dildo, I quickly threw it back in the box and checked the name on the shipping information. Sure enough, my name was not the name on the box. A small part of me hoped that it was some sort of sick joke by the person who sold me the cables even though it wasn't my name on the box. I opened the bigger box to check if something was missing. To my horror, everything was there. Wanting to puke, I quickly ran the box over to my parents room and put it on my mom's nightstand. I haven't talked to my mother since and I feel extremely distrubed. The lesson in this: Next time you get a package in the mail, don't open it too excitedly.
tl;dr- I opened an amazon packages too fast thinking they were mine. Opened a box with my mom's dildo instead.
SubstantialBliss: Hey, be lucky it wasn't your dad's fleshlight.
Well actually that'd be a lot easier to take in but...
i'll shut up now
GoingInTheGarbaje: hahah i'm not sure if that would be better or worse. I'm gonna choose to not think about it.
PUAtheist: Your dad's flesh light.... Let that sink in a second. Take in what I have written here. Your dad's dildo sock... Picture it. Hold it... Now how is that whole not thinking about it thing working out for you?
PS: Dildo, Mom.
GoingInTheGarbaje: [bye](http://i.imgur.com/KmSKh.gif)
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1406594025 | 1406598881 | t3_2bzxvb | t5_2to41 | 5 | babroid: TIFU by spilling wine on a customer
I used to work as a server at a restaurant. There was a hostess who's grandparents always came in on saturday afternoons because the restaurant was slow. They had ordered some wine as a drink. I was carrying the glass out on a round tray from behind the old guy. He juts his chair out of no where and almost hits me. I try to balance the tray but the wine spills on him. Dead silence. I try to break the tension by saying "sorry to baptize you sir". He looks at me and says "I'm Jewish". I proceed to the back room where a oneie awaits as my escape from crucifixion.
sit_and_stare: was it red or white wine?
babroid: red wine
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406597749 | 1406686703 | t3_2c03sz | t5_2to41 | 207 | wweking: TIFU by selling my psp.
So I was selling a bunch of my games on craigslist. Someone wanted to buy my psp. I haven't played on it forever so it was dead, I didn't have a charger. I couldn't check what was on the psp. I sold it to a dad buying for his 8 year old son. As soon i left remember i downloaded a bunch porn (I was going on a trip with internet, Don't blame me...)
So I gave an 8 year old child a psp filled with porn.
NOT_ah_BOT: That 8 year old will make a shrine for you. His unending love will echo through the lands.
wweking: Infecting minds since 1998
NOT_ah_BOT: You're only 16...
wweking: I've been jerking as soon I come out of the womb ;)
LEStep89: Virgin or nah?
| 6 | 34.5 | |
1406598042 | 1406632620 | t3_2c04aq | t5_2to41 | 40 | furnace_of_love: TIFU by burning my lovers dick.
Needless to say this did not happen today but [this](http://i.imgur.com/sah0bP0.jpg) tweet reminded me of prior events. A few months ago I was hooking up with a guy who I truly cared about. It’s been a long time since someone has made me feel the way that he has. That being said this screw up ended up being almost overwhelmingly embarrassing.
From what I remember we both had a few drinks by this point and were feeling pretty good. Flirtatious words were exchanged and a palpable tension was forming between us. It was at about this point where we decided to make soup... Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup to be exact. Once it was ready to eat I became laser focused on eating it. Complete tunnel vision ensued... I could have cared less that a gorgeous guy who I felt strongly towards was standing completely naked in the kitchen. He noticed the cause of my distraction and decided it was a good idea to dip his dick in the soup. There were no problems this time as the surface of the liquid wasn’t scalding hot and his tactics did have me sucking his dick clean. Win-win. Once there wasn’t any soup left on his dick I, again, returned to the bowl of soup. Then, in my drunken state, I realized that I actually liked sucking his soup-covered-dick and proceeded to take a large spoonful and smother his dick in it. Seeing as there was still steam coming from the soup and how sensitive that particular area is you can imagine how painful that was for him. After a few curse words he ran to the freezer, grabbed some ice cubes, and locked himself in the bathroom to literally ice his penis. After much coaxing he finally emerged with toilet paper wrapped around his dick to hold the ice in place (take a moment to picture this. It’s a pretty funny image if you ask me though at the time I felt horrible). We returned to the kitchen, put the soup in the refrigerator, and opted for the use of chocolate syrup instead. A reasonable alternative for both of us. I love chocolate (who doesn’t?), I got to make his dick feel better, and I salvaged what was left of the night.
**TL;DR:** My drunken self burnt my hookup’s dick on chicken noodle soup. Chocolate syrup turns out to be a much better alternative.
BatBoy1198: Love how your username is furnace of love xD
furnace_of_love: It's actually more fitting than you'd originally think... The guy in this story used to refer to me as a furnace whenever we'd sleep together because my body temperature seemed to always be abnormally high. And that my friend is how the name furnace_of_love came about.
Jumpaax: I fucking love it.
| 4 | 10 | |
1406599595 | 1406601995 | t3_2c06pc | t5_2to41 | 67 | Manbearphoenix: TIFU by microwaving nothing
So like most TIFU my story happened 8 years ago or so to my mother. I was sitting in the kitchen waiting for dinner when my mom must have accidentally put an empty measuring cup into the microwave and set it for 5 minutes or so. I'm just sitting doing homework in the kitchen when I smell smoke. Stupid 10 year old me just ignores it and thinks my mom was burning something and kept doing homework. I then realize my mom is not in the room and isn't cooking anything and realize that the black smoke is coming from the microwave. The microwave has thick black smoke streaming from the sides of the microwave and I freaked out and grabbed a glass of water and threw it on the microwave doing absolutely nothing. My mom comes sprinting into the room and screams for me to back away from the microwave and she picks up the microwave and just opens the window and throws it outside. And since this is on the second floor it hit the balcony and just smoldered inside.
I opened it up later finding the plate that spins on the "spinny thing" in the microwave was melted and warped, and the measuring cup was a black disk melted into the wall of the microwave when it was thrown out the window.
NEVER MICROWAVE NOTHING IN THE MICROWAVE UNLESS YOU WANT TO FREAKING BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
nintendomar: How your mom dealt with it sounds totally badass.
>My mom comes sprinting into the room and screams for me to back away from the microwave and she picks up the microwave and just opens the window and throws it outside.
Manbearphoenix: She was drinking margaritas in the other room and was pretty drunk. So drunk woman throws a microwave out window
hiimcloudy: Your logic is invalid.
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1406600876 | 1406607027 | t3_2c08oc | t5_2to41 | 62 | Imabigdiva: TIFU by calling an employee a fucking retard at Taco Bell.
So not today (is it ever actually today?), but a few days ago, I made the mistake of Redditing in the Taco Bell drive-through.
I was browsing through a thread when I came across a comment that appears in almost every thread. It makes me laugh every time because when I read it, I immediately get the mental image in my head that appeared when I read the story it originated from. "You like that you fucking retard!"
Yeah. So I'm waiting at the window, reading this thread when a nice employee leans out the window and asks "Would you like any sauce?". In my mind, I know I want to say "mild and fire". My brain though, is so stuck on this comment. It's torn between what I want to say and what it's just read. What does my brain do? It throws me under the bus. It jumbles things together and I instead say "mild fucking retard". I could not comprehend what just occurred. That's not me. I don't call people retard. I stared at him with my mouth open. I started to apologize but he cut me off by saying "Well I'm sorry if I annoyed you by asking more than once but I don't think that's appropriate. ". He is saying this as he shoves my food at me through the window. Then he shut the window. I tried motioning for him to open it so I could explain and apologize. I saw him turn away and speak to someone. Then the manager appeared in the window. He motioned me to move along while shaking his head. I decided it was best to leave.
DeniableTerrorK: I coulda swore the title was "Fucking a retard at Taco Bell"
TheSubwayDude: I'm not alone!
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1406601089 | 1406650650 | t3_2c0917 | t5_2to41 | 3 | Noteworthy14: TIFU by being too polite and shy.
This happened about 20 minutes ago.
I was walking home from my friend place after a long day at work and a great game of Golf.
As I arrive on my street, I seen this beautiful woman who live just across the road from me (Around 27-29 presumably, she had two kids, one looked around 6.) struggling to carry this larger box of what I assumed to be some piece of furniture she had boughten for her place.
I offered to carry it up the stairs for her because it's all apartment buildings with no elevators in my area.
This is where I fucked up. Instead of being SHY about it I should have gotten her name and sparked up a conversation!! Now I feel like I have this regret of what could have been! :/
foxy1167: You were social enough to ask her if she wanted help, I'm surprised introductions didn't just naturally happen
Noteworthy14: I was super sweaty and I left in kind of a rush cause I didn't feel entirely comfortable. :/
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: I get this too.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406601648 | 1406647350 | t3_2c09x4 | t5_2to41 | 2 | mistake_or_design: TIFU by yelling "Welcome to Moe's!"
I work 2 jobs, Moe's and Pizza Hut. I work at Moe's during the day and Pizza Hut at night almost every night of the week. My brain is so fried from working so much lately, and tonight at Pizza Hut, I yelled "Welcome to Moe's" as soon as the door beeped. Let's just say I got the strangest looks from my co-workers and the customers.
DriedUpSquid: Yes, I'm looking for a Jaques Strap, is he there?
IcarusBurning: Is there a Jaques Strap here!? Come on guys, I'm shvitzing, where can I find a Jaques Strap?
choof3199: Amanda hugandkiss? I'm looking for Amanda hugandkiss. Will somebody please give me Amanda Hugandkiss!!
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1406602635 | 1406680739 | t3_2c0bf9 | t5_2to41 | 50 | blahblahhoohah: TIFU by driving 20 miles with my parking break on and an infant in the back of the car
I guess the parking brake isn't that strong in the model of car I have, and there isn't any sound to indicate the brake is on.
I have an early 2000s Honda Civic.
I didn't realize the brake was on until, in the middle of the road, the brakes stopped working. Like, I pressed the pedal and nothing happened. All of this happened while my baby cousin was in the back seat.
I never use my parking brake, but my brother had needed to borrow my car and he set it.
After having a mini panic attack, I was able to pull over and pump the brakes enough to get the car to slow down and put it in park. Then, I called AAA. Thankfully the baby was asleep the whole time. My mom came and picked us up and a tow truck brought my car to the shop.
Apparently, if I had driven any further the car could have caught on fire. The damage was horrendous. I had to replace the "boot" of the brakes and have the fluid flushed because it had boiled while I was driving.
No one was hurt, but it'll be expensive to fix. I really fucked up today.
lawlcrackers: I keep hearing stories about people not using parking brakes in the US. How come you guys don't use them?
TheB1ackAdderr: Also, a lot of parking brakes are on the floor these days so it's easy to not notice it's engaged.
JeremyR22: Apart from the bright red idiot light on the dash that says "PARK BRAKE" or has [this symbol](http://i.imgur.com/p1EuJ62.jpg)
blahblahhoohah: It's funny that they design cars with certain things in mind, like "oh, no one would ever drive without looking at their dash, so a PARK BRAKE light should be enough. What kind of an idiot wouldn't look at their dash?" But they never take into account that I exist, and I am that kind of an idiot.
| 5 | 10 | |
1406602381 | 1406655549 | t3_2c0b1u | t5_2to41 | 48 | throwaway12345678000: TIFU by not deleting my history when my dad tried to install a wireless printer
So basically today I have been trying to apply for community college classes and I needed to print a form up for it. However, my laptop is not hooked up to a printer in my room. However, both of my parents have a printer in their offices so I figured I would bring my laptop down and use one of theirs.
So here I am with my laptop and the printer when I realize I have no idea how to hook it up. So I go go get my dad, whose printer I am using, to help me hook it up. Then he comes in and I am reminded that the printer is wireless but each computer requires the software for it.
So I try to print the form up but the wireless printer isn't in the list of devices on my control panel. So my dad gets online and installs it all onto my computer so I can connect my laptop to the wireless printer.
So he goes through quite a bit of updates and downloads until finally he's done. He did this all on Firefox while I still had my college application window up on Google. He didn't know that apparently so when he tried to closed out of Firefox, he thought he messed it up.
So while I am standing there about to tell him that it's on Google still, he's already trying to go back and find it. At this point he must have clicked on my history and then he saw the first few things on there. As you can probably guess, it's porn. He starts giving me that voice when you know you fucked up. So he says "throwaway12345678000" "Fully clothed but explosive orgasm?" "Sister fingering?".
I just stood there mumbling and looking at the computer like ಠ_ಠ. I am pointing at the Google window desperately trying to get him to stop looking though my history.
After he closed out of it and walked away, he just said "I am not afraid to say I am dissapointed in you and I hope God brings you under deep conviction".
He's a really conservative christian whereas I am not. I wanted to say that I wouldn't feel any kind of "conviction" but just awkwardness and embarrassment.
A little while later he hollered me to "Step away from the ladies and come eat" in front of my brother.
Then when I got done eating again a second time, he said "Stay away from the ladies" in front of my mom.
TL;DR My dad saw my porn history and embarrassed me in front of my brother and mom.
TheDemonClown: See, this is why you use Chrome & surf that shit in Incognito Mode.
throwaway12345678000: I use Firefox because it has Adblock Plus which I can't get on Google. I use this look at porn that usually has spyware and pop ups.
RainbowDashisbeast2: I have adblock plus on my google chrome, actually.
throwaway12345678000: When I read this I immediently went to go download it to Chrome. I have no regrets. For some reason I thought Google didn't allow Adblock on their browser and so I used Firefox for it.
RainbowDashisbeast2: Glad I could help.
| 6 | 8 | |
1406605131 | 1406608386 | t3_2c0f8q | t5_2to41 | 13 | traugdor: TIFU by bidding on eBay.
Eat_The_Muffin: You don't have to pay straight away, just add some more money to it
traugdor: It's a new PayPal account and it already took a week or more to get the funds in that I already have...
Eat_The_Muffin: Even a bank transfer only takes days...
Credit/debit card?
traugdor: I'd have to get approved first and they tell me it will take a few business days...the auctions end tomorrow.
Eat_The_Muffin: True it does.
Get someone else to send you money e.g. a friend? A lot of people have paypal.
Btw do you need more than 1 of the thing because bidding on multiple auctions means you have to buy all of them.
traugdor: > bidding on multiple auctions means you have to buy all of them.
That's where I fucked up.
I've already contacted both sellers (after I figured out how just now) and explained the situation, that I'm new to eBay and that I might not have the funds in my PayPal and I guess I'll see what they say.
Eat_The_Muffin: Welp, just hope they don't track you down
traugdor: I'm SAVED. Someone outbid me on one of them!
Eat_The_Muffin: Now you just have to pay this bill
traugdor: Well thanks for talking to me about it.
Eat_The_Muffin: ploƃ ǝɯ ǝʌᴉƃ oʇ ǝǝɹɟ lǝǝɟ 'ɯǝlqoɹd oN
| 12 | 1.083333 | |
1406605376 | 1406650769 | t3_2c0fm4 | t5_2to41 | 5,718 | Glass_Veins: TIFU by trying to drink a Capri Sun in my car
So this morning on my way out the door to work I grabbed a Capri Sun and a granola bar for the drive. There I was, in my new Toyota, happily opening the drink's little straw. Life was good. When suddenly -- disaster struck.
My morning flashed before my eyes as the straw slipped from the wrapper. I fumbled with it briefly in the air before watching, helpless, as it tumbled down, down into the crack that leads into the dark abyss beneath the driver's seat.
I tentatively followed the straw into the chasm with my hand, but, alas, the damage was done. My ruined fruit juice sat on the seat for the rest of the drive. Mocking me.
TL;DR - If anyone wants a strawless Capri Sun, it's all yours... *sniffle*.
_quicksand: I'm sorry for your loss.
That said I want this to hit the front page so bad
Glass_Veins: The more who know of my fate, the better.
I just don't want anyone else to get hurt.
_quicksand: \#safepouching
[deleted]: \#YesAllStraws
[deleted]: \#BringBackOurStraws
Death_Turd: #NeverForget
wordsbyian: #capristrong
Edit: Oh my gold! Just made my day! Thank you!
NakedDumblydore: Oh, man, can we actually get #capristrong trending on Twitter? That would make my day.
Edit: My day has been made.
Yeliaab: Im down
___solomon___: Hi down.
IM_A_BIG_FAT_GHOST: Hi up.
___solomon___: I'm dad.
IM_A_BIG_FAT_GHOST: Moms spaghetti
| 14 | 408.428571 | |
1406600993 | 1406633662 | t3_2c08v7 | t5_2to41 | 25 | Averageperson_: Tifu by listening to Iron Maiden
Not today, but a few days ago.
Anyway, I was cruising around with my dog listening to some tunes when Iron Maiden came on. They are one of my favorite bands so I turned the radio up pretty loud. (I drive a jeep, so with the top off, the speakers can be heard a good ways away) I pull up to a stop light, and notice some old ladies selling some produce near the road; radio still blasting, the lyrics go "6-6-6, the Number of the Beast!!" The old ladies looked mortified and stared at my the whole time I was at the light. Being in a very small town, they end up being friends of my super religious grandmother and now she's convinced I'm possessed.
Tldr; Played speakers too loud, convinced my grandma I'm possessed.
Conor3000: And you can't just play the song to her explaining its a song from a band from back in the 1980's? I can see it being a huge problem with a religious family member, but have you tried explaining or playing the song?
Averageperson_: You can't convince her of logic...
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1406607427 | 1406772353 | t3_2c0ina | t5_2to41 | 27 | brandon948: TIFU by playing with kittens
This happened when I was about 5 or 6 years old.
My dad had brought home a stray cat that had hitched a ride in his truck on his way from work one night. He and my mother surprisingly let me keep the cat and I promptly named her Susie. Susie was always gone during the day and very quickly became pregnant.
I remember when she had her litter, and I was told that we would give all but one of the kittens away. I was so excited that I was going to be allowed to keep one of the kittens. I had picked out which one I wanted to keep - the runt - and decided to take him outside to run around and play (some time had passed since the kittens were born. I can't remember how long it had been).
I was out there with my dad and the kitten when the little guy got a little too close to my clumsy five year old self, and I accidentally stepped on his head. He started rolling around and even flopped over into the flower bed next to our small back patio. I thought he was playing and I very **vividly** remember laughing my ignorant ass off. I thought it was the funniest thing in the world until my dad grabbed me and sent me inside. The kitten was having a seizure. I don't think I even knew what that was at that age.
I remember my mother and I taking it to a vet and being told that it would live but be brain dead. My mother made the call to just have it put to sleep. I was devastated.
Now keep in mind this was an accident. I was little and didn't mean to step on it. I loved all animals and still do. But for some reason my mother decided that we would have to get rid of all of the kittens AND Susie! We took her to the local animal shelter, dropped her off and all I did for days was cry. Not only had I murdered a small, innocent kitten, but Susie was being taken away from me as well.
I'm now 30 and still resent my mother for that. I still feel guilty too. :(
Iamaredditlady: I would have take Susie away from you too. It's not a punishment to the child, it's for the safety of the animals.
not-a-keeper: Lamaredditlady Sorry but I completely disagree. It truely depends on the child. Accidents happen. So do you think that if you were carrying your child and fell accidently hurting them that they should take your child away for the safety of the child? Or maybe if you get into a car accident we should take away your driving privledges for the safety of everyone else on the road! I would agree if OP had hurt several of animals but 1? For the safety of the pet?!? I disagree!
Sorry for your losses OP
Iamaredditlady: If I fell on my baby's head and then started laughing hysterically? YES.
Take my fucking baby away from me.
brandon948: Sounds to me you're the last person who should ever be a parent.
I feel sorry for your kid.
Iamaredditlady: Why do you assume I have or would have children?
brandon948: Because of what you said.
Nonetheless, thank god that's not the case.
| 7 | 3.857143 | |
1406608283 | 1406630562 | t3_2c0jut | t5_2to41 | 18 | Easy2Remember0: TIFU by being a FU
So idk... Maybe its always been like this and ive just never noticed... SO this FU actually started awhile ago, like 2 months. So i have a pretty bad drinking problem as do quite a few people in the small mid-western city i live in. Not that thats any excuse for what ive done... So i got reallly drunk one day actually with my mother and left her house slightly after nightfall to take my car over to my dads to get fixed (the struts were F'dU and not that i know what that meant then but i do now). I should never have been driving, but, I did it anyways. So as I was going over a bunch of railroad tracks in the industrial area in town and my rear passenger tire flew off causing me to smash into a telephone pole. I came to in a front yard and noticed I had also struck the owners of the yards car. They call the cops, I get out of the car and sit on the curb. FUCK!!!! My life is over! So i got to jail, get out the next day and now here I am with court in 2 days and no way to pay for my evaluation I need done. I have $20 and it costs $100. Im really just hoping something works out for me tomorrow. Im a good kid (23) Ive just made some bad choices which have ended up costing me. Hopefully not my freedom. TIFU by being an idiot. Soon to be an idiot in jail. At least ill have time to read a book.
Update: This was my first post so idk if im even doing it right... But either way, I met a really nice girl a few weeks before this whole incident and she has helped me out tremendously! She gave me the $100 to pay for the eval and all in all just kept reminding me "Youre not a fuck up." So i went to court, they gave me a yr of probation ($300), i have to attend a mediocre treatment class (which is like $450), no insurance ticket ($500), a over-the-weekend "retreat" class ($350), and a few more things I cant remember. I think the worst part is though is I gotta go talk to the people whose car I hit (which I still dont think I did, I think it was already dinged up). All and all, yes, a great time for improvement. I signed up with the community college today and things are really lifted of my chest. Thanks for the comments guys (except the book asshole lol)
BLAZETWO: I recommend anything by David Baldacci.
Easy2Remember0: Are they like self help books?
BLAZETWO: Nope, just good prison books.
[deleted]: Lol harsh
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1406609862 | 1406612095 | t3_2c0lwk | t5_2to41 | 10 | equallyconfusing: tifu by ruining my own birthday and vacation day
I've had some bad birthdays lately. Last year my mom was dying in the hospital so even though my sibling took me out, it was a sad birthday. Good news is my mom recovered, and so I finally decided to give myself a break and asked for a vacation day for my bday. I was supposed to fly very early home (from work) and spend the day at the beach. Then I realized, I fucked up my reservation and now Ill be spending my treasured vacation time stuck in an airport all day on my birthday.I know in the big scheme of things, I should be happy I even get a birthday but after such a crappy couple of years, I though I finally was going to have a day for me instead of all my worries. Happy bday to me...
hiimcloudy: You know... It doesn't have to be your birthday for it to be a special day :")
equallyconfusing: You are right and thats part of the problem. Im very bad at giving anything to myself, so since i do remember my bday i make a pt of doing something for me once a year. Im an idiot.
hiimcloudy: It's okay. Learn to enjoy life
iiiiiiiiii
|:H:a:p:p:y:|
__|___________|__
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^|
|:B:i:r:t:h:d:a:y:|
| |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
equallyconfusing: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you
| 5 | 2 | |
1406609647 | 1406615835 | t3_2c0lna | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to give a girl her first sexual experience.
So this happened years ago but a thread I was reading reminded me of it so I thought I'd post.
It's my sophomore year in college and I've been dating this girl I met at a frat party for a few weeks. She was a virgin and didn't want to have sex but had started giving me handjobs/blowjobs. I would feel bad that she was never on the receiving end and would offer to eat her out/play with her but she would always refuse to a point of almost getting into a fight. Fast forward a few months, our relationship is kind of rocky and it's after a round of midterms. I decide to be all romantic and grab a hotel room for a night near the beach and surprise her Friday night about the trip I have planned for us. Needless to say she's super excited and so am I.
We get there early Saturday and spend the day at the beach, all-in-all an amazing time. We've been drinking all day and sexual tensions are high that day so at night when we go back to the room she wants to jump on me and blow me. I refuse and tell her that tonight she's going to be first. To my surprise, she agrees. We start making out and really getting into it. I feel like I need to piss and decide I should go before things really start because I want to make sure I make the night very special for her and don't want interruptions, it's her first time being on the receiving end after all.
I head to the bathroom and when I come back out she's already naked with her legs spread and a huge grin on her face. Being drunk and trying to be smooth, I run and jump on the bed trying to land my mouth right on her pussy. In my inebriated state I over-jump and land teeth first. She screams in pain, clutches her legs shut and begins bawling. My heart freaking sank to the floor. I apologize profusely, asking her if she's okay. She stumbles her way to the bathroom crying, completely ignoring me. After a few minutes of me begging her to come out and apologizing she starts screaming at me, telling me there are fucking teeth marks on her clit and that I have ruined everything.
I went from feeling high from an amazing day with this girl to feeling like the biggest sack of shit ever. She ended up coming out after 10 15 minutes pissed off and just laid in bed facing away from me the rest of the night without saying a word. We were pretty much silent the whole ride back and after dropping her off she never answered any of my calls or texts.
**TL;DR: Try to give girl her first ever muff dive and land teeth first on her clit.**
Just4yourpost: > ...trying to be smooth, I run and jump on the bed trying to land my mouth right on her pussy.
That's not how you approach being smooth.
Oh well, think of this way. She made such a big fucking deal about receiving (probably because wanted it to be a perfect moment or some bullshit) that when it finally came time, she not only didn't have a perfect experience or even a good experience, but a shitty one, possibly either confirming worst nightmare/stigmas or creating them. And she got what she deserved, based on her attitude thereafter.
kezinch: > That's not how you approach being smooth.
Eh... I was inexperienced and drunk, not sure what the hell I was thinking. I wouldn't blame her for my fucking up the moment but yeah, she fucking handled it poorly. She could have at least spoke to me the next day. Looking back though, that shit wasn't going to last much longer anyway.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1406611509 | 1406712440 | t3_2c0nzq | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by staring at a girl in line at Qdoba
She was chewing on her hair while standing in line with her mother. In my head, "She's a nice looking young lady. Why is she chewing her hair? That's fucking disgusting. Don't we eat enough random shit (hair, spiders, fingernails, etc etc...) in our food as it is? Must you eat your fucking hair?" She glanced at me as I was looking at her with disgust. She looked away quickly, whispered something to her mother and then moved further up the line as to break line-of-sight. Pretty sure she thought I was eye-fucking the literal shit out of her.
All I wanted her to do was to stop eating her fucking hair.
She was mid to late teens; I'm almost 40.
I thought I was going to get Chris Hansen'd.
websurfer83: I've seen a boy chewing on his fingernails. Saw another one sucking his thumb, and another poking at dead skin.
I didn't stare at them with a disgusted look and post their reactions on reddit. I also didn't label them with mental disorders as these commentors are suggesting.
ZapfBrannigan: Do you want a cookie for your virtuous behavior?
PerturbedPelican: Now I want a cookie. Oh well. *chews on hair*
| 4 | 3 | |
1406609119 | 1406649745 | t3_2c0kzf | t5_2to41 | 399 | best_username_evar: TIFU by trying to help a girl get home from the bar
This happened in the fall (like 10 months ago) but I didn't know about this sub at the time. I'm in college and on an ordinary weekend I ended up at the local bar with some buddies. I run into a girl who I had met in one of my classes; we were in a group together for a small assignment. I kept up conversation with her at first because she was hot, but it quickly became apparent that she was totally trashed. She was grabbing the dangling light fixture over the bar and shining it at the bartender to get his attention to get more drinks. Then she fell over and had trouble standing up.
Being the good samaritan that I am, I offered to drop her off back to her place. I was legitimately really concerned that this girl was going to be assaulted. She keeps insisting that she wants to come home with me but I repeatedly tell her no, and that I was bringing her to her place. She brings me to this poshy, well-secured kind of college apartment complex that I had been to a few times. We tailgate in and she flirts with the desk security a bit, and at the time I thought it was because they knew each other. She brings me to a hallway and starts knocking on every door. Every one. I start freaking out, saying "don't do that" and "which one is yours". At this point she starts to give a crazy girl vibe. She says "2nd floor" so we go in the stairwell, where we are now trapped. All the doors to the hallways are locked and she "can't find her key". The only way out is an emergency exit with an alarm. I get pissed and tell her off, and she starts to get teary. She reveals she doesn't actually live there at all.
This is when shit got weirder. She starts bawling and babbling in the plural first person in her teary state saying things like "We just wanted you to like us" and "we didn't mean to make you mad". I'm like "WTF, I'm trapped in a stairwell with girl gollum" and try to get her to make sense. She then passes out, upside down on the stairwell and snoozes for like an hour. Finally, we decide the only way out is to bust out the emergency exit. Alarm sounds. We run away a bit and she sees someone she seems to know on the sidewalk, so I promptly wash my hands of her and ditch her saying "she's your problem now". When I got home at 4:30 AM (barclose was at 2) I emailed the girl (I had her email from class) with the one line message "You need to get your shit together".
She responded to the email, turns out she had never even been to the apartment complex before in her life. WTF.
Cheeto-dust: "...trapped in a stairwell with girl gollum." AHAHAHA.
Skraff: She just wanted to put her finger in his ring.
guberburger: Our precious.
Kenseilon: Filthy hobbitses!
| 5 | 79.8 | |
1406611973 | 1406671234 | t3_2c0oja | t5_2to41 | 21 | 808metz: TIFU by not putting a lock on my phone
Once again.. This didn't happen today. This happened like 5 years ago in high school with my high school sweetheart.
Typing from my phone while I'm on ammo guard as well. I'm in the military so yeah bare with me.
Story starts back in junior year summer before senior year. I had just bought my own cellphone with money I earned with my summer job. This was a big deal to me because all I ever had was a shitty little flip phone. Believe it or not. My Nokia only lasted me like 7 years, what a piece of shit.
I finally had the means to get myself something nice so I did. Got a decent android phone with all the apps and shit. I was cool.
Well it's a Friday night and my girlfriend and I were getting dropped off at the movies. We were in the backseat together just being typical 17 y.olds. We arrive and get out and by the time we're in the theater I realize. Shit, left my phone in her moms car. Well mom rolled out but I figured i would get it back tomorrow. Plan was to get dropped off by her mom and have my cousin and her boyfriend bring us home. It's about 10 minutes till the movie is over and my girlfriend gets a text from her mom "im picking you guys up. Your dad is with me"
This is strange. I wonder why. We're confused and have no idea why the plan would change and why her dad would join her especially at this time. So we get out of the theater and into the car. Dead silence. Car is off. Her dad reaches up and turns on the light and with the slowest and scariest aura turns to look at me. Straight in the eyes. Her mom does the same and holds my phone up.
What. The. Fuck. Is how I'm feeling. At That Very Moment I realized how bad I fucked up. Helplessness and intimidation wash over me. Her dad is PISSED. Her mom is almost in tears and my girlfriend is crying she's so embarrassed and then her mom speaks.
Saying things like 'm ashamed of what I saw. I can't believe this. I thought we raised you better than this ***** and we thought you would have higher standards than to date this kind of boy.
I AM OFFENDED NOW but I kept my cool and let her say her piece and then her dad really let's it rip. Admits that he's hated me since we met and that I don't deserve a girl like her. The whole deal and he just destroys me.
What they saw were dictures. Titis. Us two having sex in plenty of pictures. Pics of her riding. Sucking me off. They saw everything.
So not only did I embarrass my girlfriend I also figured out that her parents had a serious disgust for me to begin with. Mainly because I wasn't focused on college and was more worried about becoming a Marine.
So I fucked up by not locking my phone and not knowing better that her mom would go looking through my fucking pictures album. In all the hype of having a new phone I took the most indecent pics of shit you could imagine from a 17 year old.
We broke up after almost 3 years but stay in touch. Planning to go home and restart when I'm out of the corps and she's done with college. Her dad still hates me but that's ok. He's figured out that I'm not a piece of shit and that I have higher standards than most of peckerwoods his daughter goes to college with.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS. IM GONNA MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER ANYWAY. EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.
THE SEED IS STRONG. BEWARE.
spankthepunkpink: What's wrong with people. If my daughter is stupid enough to let someone have pictures of her fucking, the last thing I want to do is see them.
NEWSFLASH EVERYONE!! Just like we did, our teenage kids will have sex with one another, they may even enjoy it. This is a good thing whether you like it or not
808metz: She was the beauty to my beast. looking back.. she wasnt stupid. I was. Doing exactly what you would expect from teenagers honestly.
Plus i just got a cellphone with a camera on it for the first time. I was stoked.
spankthepunkpink: Sorry, just realised how rude that sounded! I don't think either of you were stupid! I guess we know a lot more about the potential dangers of photos and the net.
I have told my daughter, if a guy wants to look at your boobs AND you feel like giving him a look, lift your shirt and give him a look! But don't let him keep a pic he can use after you break up. I like to have a say in who can see mine!
splodgethebun: Best. Parent. Ever. Man I really wish my parents were more like you.
spankthepunkpink: Later that day, in a twist reminiscent of the Jim Carrey classic 'Liar Liar', /u/splodgethebun received some surprising news from his father after absent-mindedly wishing his parents were more like a transgender woman he'd met on Reddit earlier that day.....
LOL!
But you're right, everyone should have a parent like me, I don't wanna boast but I'm pretty awesome. I mean, thanks! I'm tryin' to raise a cool person who will be friends with me so it's not like I don't get somethin' out of it :-P
splodgethebun: I'm sure your kid is going to be great!
spankthepunkpink: She won't spend 30 years in the closet or grow up terrified of the ground opening up so that demons can drag her into an eternal pit of torture; those were my primary objectives and I think they're covered.
I try not to let the disapointment show but it turns out my kid is....straight [gasp].
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1406613008 | 1406615820 | t3_2c0ppx | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by sexting with my girlfriend on snapchat and accidently posting a picture of my dick on snapchat story
so yeah like the title said i accidently posted a picture of my dick and some people got the chance to see it which is not THAT bad but before i could remove it someone took a screencap of the picture and is now threatening me saying that if i ever piss him off he'll show the picture to everyone..i have anxiety problems and this really isnt helping me,i really don't know what to do
jasonmm1979: How do you 'accidentally' post a picture of your dick?
ShawnBootygod: Have you ever used snap chat? It's very easy to accidentally post to your snap story or accidentally send to the wrong people
jasonmm1979: Actually no, I've never used snap chat. So I'll have to take your word for it :)
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406611134 | 1406615444 | t3_2c0nk2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | VikingTeddy: Tifu by throwing up on my computer and girlfriend because of a game.
So when you get that flight or fight reflex your body pumps you full of adrenalin. I learned on reddit that if you don't use that adrenaline, it ends up in your stomach and can cause nausea. I got to confirm it first hand.
Maybe not funny but stupid nonetheless.
I was playing AVP2 at night and got a scare when an alien appeared out of nowhere at the same time as my SO put her hand on my shoulder.
Que massive adrenaline dose, Jesus my heart was pumping like crazy!
I paused the game and just sat there huffing and puffing. -Baby are you allright? -Umm. I don't feel soBLAAAARGHGHGRGHGG!
All over the keyboard, mouse, screen and my girlfriend. Felt nauseous for almost an hour afterwards. Words were had.
Killed the bastard though (in the game that is).
Tl;dr: Adrenalin can cause nausea. Had a scare and threw up on my gf and computer.
hazardousduke: EDIT: It wasn't vomit it was a chestburster!
VikingTeddy: Well it sure was acidy. There was a spot I missed on the floor, and by morning it had burned the carpet.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406616267 | 1406623551 | t3_2c0tem | t5_2to41 | 7 | _Pyrous: TIFU by forgetting to text my manager back.
Not really a today but over the course of several days. I have issues with migraines and before I was correctly diagnosed, I would have panic attacks before/during work that caused me to be physically ill.
Basically, if you can't come in, you need to text your manager. Sometimes I remember to do this but in the case of migraines, I can't for a while and that causes her to panic and I get a little mark against my name.
I just got out of a meeting with my manager and the head of my department and they're still down there discussing if I have a job.
nojerkingoff: You have a medical condition which prevents you from texting them during a migraine. Do they have medical training? I doubt it. So they are unqualified to make a decision about your medical condition. Go to your doctor and get a sick note explaining it. They should not argue with a doctor's opinion. They should make reasonable adjustments to the procedure if they know about your conditions.
If they fire you, sue them for discrimination against someone with a medical condition.
not-a-keeper: I also suffer from migraines and after my dr gave me a letter for work, they considered it to fall under Americans With Diabilities Act. After that I was no longer given "points" against my attendance when I was absent due to a migraine. Although I don't feel it is a disability per se....but migraines for me are terribly dibilitating (sorry for spelling) I recieved botox shots for them and it worked wonders! Best of luck on the job!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406618880 | 1406630747 | t3_2c0vz3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Baseplate: TIFU by playing Cards Against Humanity
TIFU by going and meeting a buddy that was camping with a another family near by my town. When I arrived my buddy's son was hanging out with this very fat kid. We drank a beer or six and then since the kids were off doing whatever in the forest we decided to play Cards Against Humanity. My wife won which was a surprise. Soon after the skinny kid returns alone. A car drives up the and a man asks if we had seen Cody(is there ever a skinny Cody) the fat kid that had been hanging around. Before I even know what is happening my unfiltered semi drunk mind says "Don't worry you know that fat ass won't be missing supper." Jaws dropped, dad storms off, and the wife is embarrassed. She apologized for my actions if you are married you never want your wife apologizing for something you did or said. Ever. FUCK!
Senecatwo: So wait, did Skinny Kid dispose of Fat Cody in the woods, or did he wander off in search of snackage?
learnng2breathe: I think fat Cody found some snackage with Skinny kid... and disposed of him in the woods.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406617508 | 1406728610 | t3_2c0unm | t5_2to41 | 37 | makashka: TIFU by taking 12 hits of acid
This happened about a year ago, but it was too noteworthy to have not been published... somewhere!
Started off with a normal day, kind of had a unique feel to it, as me and my buddy were trying to get our hands on some LSD. Sounds chill, eh? I had tripped once or twice lightly before, but not into the depths of the Universe and beyond... like I've heard about.
So, we go to this place where they have a huge sheet, fresh from somewhere where some of the highest quality stuff is made. I thought "sweet, this is going to not be bunk!".
We wanted to have it in the afternoon, but its like 11 at night at this point and we talked about it enough that we figured we would just go for it. My buddy is an experienced tripper with about 20 under his belt at this time.
So we each pop one tab, and give one to my roommate for his first time. Its like 10 minutes in, i'm already feeling good. Let's put on some Workaholics. That starts up and my buddy and I are starting our trip, but our roommate doesn't feel anything. For whatever reason my buddy gave him another tab, took another himself, and I took another half of one or so.
So minutes later, we continue to watch Workaholics... but its unrecognizable. Tripping hard. Fuck. Everything is moving. Warping. Was not prepared for this! Time to put on some chill music or something, maybe some Shpongle... HOLY FUCK. Nope. Not now. Oh Shit. I'm high as fuck.
"Lets smoke some weed, it will be okay" Boom, take a toke, awesome not so high... seconds later. FUCK.
My roommate is starting to trip, but we kind of paniked him talking about how high we were.
45 Minutes in.
Can't listen to music, no tv. Meditation? Maybe? Fuck this, I'm just gonna sleep it off.
Go in my room, try closing my eyes. Fuck, getting higher. What is high? What is this? Where am I? What is I? . So its like 5 minutes, my buddies come in and they are like "shit" I'm like "Thank God, its over!?" They are like, no "weewwwe tooook accciidddd iittts beween an hour" Fuck. Then I sail back out into the Universe.
I'm fully out of my body, no idea how I'm breathing. I'm just kind of witnessing whats going on through the eyes of both of my friends. My buddy says to try to take a shower to get rid of it, NOPE . More high.
Okay let's eat a marijuana brownie to settle this down.
I puke.
Next thing I hear "HE'S COUGHING UP BLOOD HE'S COUGHING UP BLOOD"... It was just marijuana brownie puke, which apparently looks like blood on acid (note it).
We were contemplating calling the cops apparently. So I got my phone and tried to go through... Made a couple crazy calls for help to a couple friends lol... Then ended up phoning 911, when my friends said its gone too far, we gotta call... I was out of my body mostly, and in the biggest time warp I've ever experienced. We ended up phoning them straight for 10 minutes, so a good 30 times. Just kind of murmured, and hung up.
Next thing I remember is coming up and out of mah body, back into it... after traveling through the past and future, and there are 4 firemen around me, 2 medics, and my apartment is full of policemen.
Wtf? I'm saying "My name is .... I live at.... OMG THIS IS WHERE I LIVE" And I snap out of it for a second. I'm like "what happened" my roommate and buddy are just kind of witnessing... So they explain that we are just really high and that we aren't in trouble... even though there is weed all over (REPRESENT WA STATE).
Next thing that happens, is the police officers talk to us, tell us we are all going to live, and be okay. We shouldn't take anymore acid, and that we should do the following:
"Put on that Pink Flloyd album over there, and play some playstation..."
Then all of the firemen, medics and police officers left...
I think we were definitely half clothed. Another highlight that the officers and such must have enjoyed was the burnt carpet from a Hookah that was attempted (apparently 7 times), brownie puke everywhere, and a big sign all 'melty' saying "We Are On Aciddddd"
Post note: The acid turned out to be upwards of 600 ug... which for those who don't know, is almost 5-6 good hits of acid... Since then the acid has been discontinued since alot of people actually lost it, and apparently 'never came back'.
TL;DR : TIFU by not knowing how strong of acid we had, puking up brownie, which on acid looks like blood. This caused friends to make us call cops 30 times, in which case the officers, medics, and firemen told us to "chill out, put on some pink flloyd, and play some playstation.
pesanze: What you mean with 12 hits of acid? From where I'm from, 12 hits of acid are enough to go on vacation for a week, not for a couple of hours
GoodVibes710: he didnt eat 12 hits, he ate 2
and it probly wasnt LSD either, more likely NBOME
makashka: I don't know why you think I'm one of those people who don't know the difference between NBOME and LSD. If you google hard enough you can find out more information. I'll just let you know it was the 'Goddess' print, and I can't say much more
[deleted]: what are you talking about, print has nothing to do with wether or not its nbome. if it tasted like anything it was almost certainly nbome
GoodVibes710: seriously. print means nothing anymore
makashka: It can tho.
"OMG, I HAD THAT A.H BIKE RIDE BLOTTER, IT WAS SO DOPE"
"No man, the bike ride blotter is bunk"
"I just had the bike rider blotter 4 years ago, and it was NOT bunk"
I ain't talkin about a typical press yo. I don't even want to give the full name of it for whatever reason... but GG / 1,000H is all I can spit out. If you've heard of it, hell yeah, melt on!
GoodVibes710: lol keep thinking you ate 1200 mics, what a joke
its so obvious that you dont have any idea what your really talking about. you cant handle 1200 mics? lol what a custy
StawhpIT: Hi /u/goodvibes710 or should I say /u/LateRager /u/toughbeats88 /u/AudioFreqq /u/NectarRage...When's the 6th account being made?
| 9 | 4.111111 | |
1406620613 | 1406632349 | t3_2c0xll | t5_2to41 | 12 | comedine-in-me: TIFU by taking too many laxatives
More like 3 months ago, but y'know.
Background; I have IBS so sometimes I either get really badly constipated, or really intense diarrhea. Recently, my diet has been fairly balanced, meaning that my droppings have been fairly healthy, considering.
So I was sort of depressed 3 months ago and ate mostly pasta-based meals as comfort food. One day, I felt the urge to use the bathroom, but nothing happened, so I forgot about it and went about my day. At around 12:30am, I realized that I hadn't been to the toilet all day, so I went and planted my bottom on the toilet.
At 2:30, I was beginning to worry. Not only was I sweating, my poo had only come out of my ass (what I thought to be at the time) halfway. Feeling out, I googled ways to avoid needing an enema, because I could just imagine the social ridicule. One of the ways was obviously taking a laxative, so I stood up, squeeze the shit back into my asshole and went to find my mum's laxative stash. After I swallowed what was left in the bottle (about 250mL) I went and cried to my mum about needing an enema. She suggested that I take some laxatives, only to be enraged when she discovered the empty laxative bottle in the cupboard. She told me to go to bed and to buy her a new bottle in the morning.
So I went to bed and twisted my body into a position where I couldn't feel the shit that was halfway out of my ass.
In the morning mum urged me to try again, but again, the shit came halfway out and then stopped. So I went about my day again, crying inside the entire time because I didn't want an enema. On my way home, I popped into the chemist and bought more laxatives, stopping to take two pills on my walk home.
While my family ate dinner, i decided to take a shower. Halfway through shampooing my hair, I remembered reading the night before that you're the most relaxed in the shower. So I popped a squat and managed to squeeze that newborn baby sized shit out of my ass.
Not only did I feel like I had just had anal, I was now alone in the shower with a shit that was the size of my head and more solid than a brick. It was dense enough that even in the running water, it wasn't softening. So obviously my best option was to take it out of the shower and place it neatly in the toilet.
Only, I went to bed and forgot about the elephant dose of laxatives that I had taken.
And that's how I ended up with violent diarrhea for five days straight and never comfort ate again!
Slip_85: You panicked after 1 day of not shitting and tried to OD on laxatives? Consider stool softeners before straight laxatives or just drink more water and eat more fiber.
comedine-in-me: it was like 3 days before i actually remembered that i hadn't shat yet
| 3 | 4 | |
1406616495 | 1406699018 | t3_2c0tmr | t5_2to41 | 114 | guccigucciloiloifend: TIFU by getting high and petting my dog
Me and my brother got high this morning and decided to plug in the ole gamecube to the tv, so we go to our garage to find it. We find it and we decide to take it upstairs.
(We have some stairs that lead from the house into the garage, and we did not realize our dog followed us down the stairs to the garage.)
Anyways I tell my brother I will carry her up the stairs and he can keep taking the gamecube to the room.
(I got a big golden retriever dog thats pretty old so she doesn't like to climb up stairs, shes around 80 pounds or something like that)
Anyways as I go to pick her up, and me being high as fuck still thought she was very soft. (I was also shirtless so it felt really good)
So I start rubbing against her and hugging her and all of a sudden my garage door opens up and three construction workers were staring at me, shirtless, in the middle of a garage, rubbing against my dog.
(apparently there was some work being done today I forgot about)
They just started in awe for a little bit then one of them was like "well give you a few more mins" and they walked away for a bit, two of them looking confused as fuck and one of them chuckling...
TL;DR I was shirtless rubbing against my dog in my garage and 3 construction workers opened the garage and thought i was probably into some bestiality
Slip_85: They were probably cat people.
alc0tt: No, they were construction workers.
alexmikli: Yeah, CAT people.
HeckMaster9: /r/Caterpillar
| 5 | 22.8 | |
1406623359 | 1406643810 | t3_2c1000 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my adult crush to another man.
We're both working adults. We'd known each other for years. We hung out a few times on weekends in social settings; we both really enjoyed each others company. I never get the courage to ask her out this whole time. We hang out on a beach and she's being super flirty with me in front of everyone. I finally get the courage to ask her to dinner later that week. She says she's too busy; but enthusiastically asks me to reschedule it after a big conference we're going to. We meet up at the conference. We're having breakfast one morning when her coworker male friend arrives (who is also my friend). I elect to eat at a table with a different coworker instead of spending time with her and her friend. She gives me **the biggest pout** I've ever seen her make and I immediately get she's upset with me; like it was the last straw. She spends the rest of the conference ignoring me. I don't bother her. Weeks after, I find out that she and her (our) friend are now "together". I'm gutted. I really liked this person; she's truly been different from anyone I've met (yeah, I know, other fish blah blah). But I never got the courage and self confidence to really pursue her; I never felt good enough for her or that I could make her happy. Of course this is only my perspective, and there's probably more to their side of the story.
TL;DR: I'm an idiot when it comes to romance, and it pissed off my crush right into another man's arms.
Diablos_Advocate_: why's it all gotta be on you? Like you said, you are both adults not high schoolers. If she liked you, she could have made some effort.
[deleted]: Sounds nice on paper, but in real life it doesn't work that way most of the time.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406622559 | 1406655067 | t3_2c0zav | t5_2to41 | 632 | takinthis1tothegrave: TIFU by wearing my brother's shirt to school.
First post. This happened in 2006, when I was a sophomore in high school, and my brother was a few months into his freshman year in college. I have never told a single soul this story and got really excited when I found this subreddit so I can FINALLY get it off my chest(this becomes a gross pun by the end of it).
Scrambling around at 6:30am, trying to find the perfect outfit for school. That doesnt happen, nor does finding anything in my own room for that matter. So I think okay ill just go check to see what Daniel left in his closet when he went to college. There's gotta be a t shirt in there cool enough to pull off, especially if it's paired with my favorite jeans since they make my ass look so good. Slide frantically through all the shirts that were too big or too lame til I get to the only one I would consider. Black long sleeve Independent skate brand shirt. Cool. Its slightly vintage at this point and im sure I can impress the type of boys I like with it. Go through 3 classes feeling like an understated badass. Then I get to my last class of the day, where my best guy friend Doug sits behind me and to my left. TWO minutes into a class thats an hour and forty five minutes, Doug says (LOUDLY), "holy shit is that your brother's shirt?" And im all proud at this point like "yeah I couldn't find anything to wear so I just threw this on at the last minute." He DIES laughing, disrupts the class until he catches his breath and the whole class hangs on his next few words. Which I will hear in my nightmares until my last days.
"You didn't notice his cum all over it?"
Intensely denied it saying it must have been the yogurt that exploded in my backpack that morning, but it was obvious to everyone the very second I stepped out of denial and realized that I had, in fact, found and WORE by brother's cum rag to school.
Senecatwo: You could've saved yourself a load of embarrassment
qervem: I'm trying to think of a good pun, but it's hard
ExtropianAtheist: Obviously this thread has gone limp quickly.
qervem: What, you mean it's finished *already?*
Uhhhhdel: We can squeeze more out of it I am sure.
Steelsoldier77: I'm sure I can ejaculate a clever pun somehow...
hadshadit: That's what I call a sticky situation
baddhabits: I only came here for comments like this
fencerman: Creativity arrives in spurts like that.
baddhabits: So it has cum to this
goingrogueatwork: Jizz, guys. It's jizz.
| 12 | 52.666667 | |
1406625174 | 1406784697 | t3_2c11iw | t5_2to41 | 753 | PM_ME_YOUR_MEATBALLS: TIFU by trying to make my time of the month look sexy.
Guys, I'm literally in one of those stages whether or not I want to laugh or cry at what happened just 10 minutes ago. To start off from the beginning, my boyfriend had gone on a long trip for a week and had just gotten back a couple of hours ago. Having missed him so dearly, I texted him to come and visit me on his way home. He and I sat in his car and just talked for awhile catching up before the sexy times started happening. A little later after sitting back up in front and about to leave, I noticed it. A faint dark substance was on his fingers... I had started my period while he was fingering me. Without hesitation, I grabbed his hand and started sucking on his fingers trying to look as sexy as possible while at the same time, attempting to cover my fuck up. Once I knew I had gotten it all, I said goodbye to my boyfriend and headed back to bed feeling disgusting rather than satisfied. Not 10 minutes later, I get a text message from my boyfriend saying, "I know what you did." Reddit, I fucked up.
TL;DR My boyfriend thinks I'm disgusting.
MakersFart: I accidentally ate a girl out at the very early stages of her period. Tasted like pussy and pocket change.
subatomicB: I just lost my shit at work..........POCKET CHANGE
wowsuchdrum: I just lost my pocket change at work.... SHIT!
Ihavenootheroptions: I shit my pocket change at work.
scoobadobebop: I just changed my shit pocket at work
Eat_The_Muffin: My shit just changed, I work at lost pocket
shitass70: I just shit my pocket. I don't work. I just collect change.
scoobadobebop: > I just shit my pocket. I don't work. I just collect change.
- **shitass70**
shitass70: That's me!!
scoobadobebop: oh my gosh shitass70 you are so cute :)))))
| 11 | 68.454545 | |
1406592597 | 1406626759 | t3_2bzvlg | t5_2to41 | 4 | Idonefuckedupgood: TIFU by wrecking my dad's car
This happened not 30 mins ago. I was leaving my bank to go home. I look behind me and see noone coming so I back up to pull out. Then I look back and see this black BMW backing up *while i'm in the middle of the lot*. I didn't want to move since me moving would likely hit him, so I honked my horn as much as possible, but to no avail, so he rammed into me with his rear end.
But this fuck up is not done. Now a little back story on me: I do not have a driver's license since it expired and I can't renew it yet, but I still have my old copy. I borrow my dad's car to go to work on the weekend 10 miles away and that's the extent of it. I needed to make sure I didn't leave a set of keys in the open, so I went back there (even though this wasn't a work day for me) to fix this.
He seems apologetic when he got out and we exchanged information.
He claims he didn't see me since I was a black mazda leaving shade and his windows are very tinted. He also said he didn't hear my horn because he couldn't hear anything. This seems like a clear cut case that it is his fault (which it is).
Unfortunately, I didn't call the cops. Not because I was afraid to get suspended/fined more, since I value that lower than my dad's car, but because I heard that they immediately place the fault on the person without a license, regardless of cause.
So I call my dad after he left, and of course he is pissed by telling me i'm a dumbass for letting him go without a police report or pictures (I couldn't take pictures since I did not have a phone [due to a fuckup earlier last week](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bev39/tifu_by_losing_my_phone/)). I figure the bank has cameras in their parking lot and that would be sufficient proof, but there is the possibility that they won't give the tapes.
My dad's car has significant damage on the passenger door, but it doesn't affect the door or car performance whatsoever. He got away with a scratch on his fender (although it did look like a paint job). So what do I do now to fix this? I drove straight back home btw to write this and make sure I no more damage comes to his car.
**tl:dr: guy ran into me in my dad's car, got his info and let him go with no police report or pictures.**
birdcage102: i don't know how it is in america but it in australia it wouldn't be your fault even if you were unlicensed, this is a police matter and it would be up to them to follow it up (and in this case they probably wouldn't because it wasn't reported at the time). this other persons insurance should cover your loss. lodge a claim through your insurance and they should recover the damages from the third party. regardless of this you're a dumbass for not renewing your licence.
birdcage102: also just assuming you're american by the language you use and the fact that you're an idiot - apologies if wrong
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406624524 | 1406748139 | t3_2c110y | t5_2to41 | 41 | IdSporkYouSoGood: TIFU by having sex in the back of my car in an "empty" parking lot.
This actually happened last summer, but being somewhat new to this subreddit I decided to share my wonderful FU with you all. A little bit o' info about me and my SO; Me and my girlfriend both lived in separate houses. She was 17 and I was 18. We couldn't have sex at her house because her parents watched us like a hawk, not to mention she always had little siblings running into her room. We also couldn't have sex in my room because I shared the basement with my dad, only being separated by a thin wall. Both of us newly discovered the life of sex and the great things it hold, so you can only imagine how horny we were 24/7.
It was approximately 11 p.m. on a Saturday night and both of our *"Need to have sex"* levels were running high. So without hesitating we jumped in the car and drove a couple of blocks to the nearest park. The parking lot, I so wisely chose, was about 500 feet from any houses and overlooked the city where you could see many bright lights, kinda romantic actually. It belonged to some musical theater or something, I honestly didn't care at the time I just wanted to do the horizontal mombo, if ya catch my drift. Anyways, what I didn't notice was that there was construction equipment that wasn't being used in said parking lot. After we pull in and park, we turn the car off and start going at it. We were taking each others clothes off and trying to get into some sort of position in my tiny 2001 Toyota corolla (let me tell you, that is a *fucking* mission. Literally.) I was facing the back of the car looking towards the entrance of the parking lot, and at this point I was so hyped up and both of our adrenaline was running. Then it came... Not me err, but a car did. Very suddenly and quickly, a car pulled up behind us and just stopped. Lights flashing behind us and the sounds of doors opening we both start panicking. At this point I don't remember what was said, I just remember a lot of "Shit, shit, shit" and "Holy fucking shit that is a cop." and "where the fuck are my pants??" Of course they sit there for a little bit, probably waiting for us to get our clothes on or whatever, and I can't find my fucking pants. Like had no idea where they were. So the cops, (yes there were two) gets to the window, and we are both sitting in the front. I still couldn't find my pants so I have nothing but a shirt over my crotch and my heart is racing rapidly at this point. Like it seriously was the worst de-boner ever. Total cockblock. Ugh. Anyway, the cop on my side, who was female, says to me "Sooooooo what are you two up to tonight?" Then the cops asked for our I.D.s and before she walked away she said, "Why don't you put some pants on it's a little chilly out here." We were both really freaking out at this point, imagining explaining this to our parents. Especially her parents because technically she shouldn't even be dating, nor did they know I was dating her. The cops come back, tell us that both our records are clean, and they tell us that some lady across the street saw us pull in. And she called the cops because she thought we were going to mess with some goddamn construction equipment. **LIKE SERIOUSLY**?? Construction equipment was the last thing on my damn mind. I had half a mind to find out where she lived, waited till I heard her having sex, then bust in her room and totally kill the mood. Well anyway, luckily we were only given a warning and they didn't contact either of our parents. They just told us not to come back there ever again and said that we were trespassing. Like, they really didn't have to tell us not to come back. *Don't worry officer, we'll do it at home next time* I had the worst blue balls after that, and needless to say we won't be having sex in a car anytime soon... or ever.
**TL;DR** Me and my SO tried to have sex in a car in a parking lot and the cops were called and they made me have awful blue balls but we got away scot-free.
sselwal: Are you Australian?
IdSporkYouSoGood: I am not australian.. why do you ask?
sselwal: true thought I could tell if someones Australian by the way they type but I obviously can't so dw hahah
IdSporkYouSoGood: I can actually see why you might think that hahaha
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1406634543 | 1406646159 | t3_2c19s2 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by diving while playing football.
I was playing football with my 7 year old neighbor at our backyard. We were dribbling and practising some skills together and when he kicked me to leg, I decided it would be funny to dive like the pros do. I get to the ground with my left arm first and then I feel a crunch. It was followed by a sudden pain and I knew already my left shoulder was dislocated(happened to me before). My neighbor just laughed hard as I was screaming from pain and now I might have to go to surgery for having dislocated shoulder more than once. I will never dive again.
[deleted]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3X_cCJyoxI
kyrbish: I meant the football, also known as soccer.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406635044 | 1406641550 | t3_2c1aak | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a library computer say inappropriate things
This event happened at about this time last year at school. I think I was in English class in the library and I was sitting beside 2 friends who were also using some of the computers there.
Before I explain what happened, I need to explain *how* it happened. The stupid computers in the library are trash and they have this stupid thing similar to the scrolling button on a mouse, but it controls the volume and there's also a press-able button that enables 'loudness'.
*Now, onto the story.*
I'm sure all of us here know that whatever you type into Google Translate you can click a button and a voice will say what you wrote out loud. For no apparent reason, I decided to write in "You fucking scrub" and click play, as long as only *we* could hear it. That's not how it turned out though. My mate, being that the jerk he is, turned the volume all the way up and pressed in the loudness button.
Lord almighty, did the *entire library* hear what I wrote. There was small, audible chatter going on throughout the library and when the glorious words "*You fucking scrub*" were heard by all, my god did it turn quiet.
The aftermath wasn't even that bad. There's only like 3 staff that run the library, all of which are probably like 60 year old grandmas that are grumpy no matter what the situation is. Fortunately enough, the grumpiest one took us out the back to talk to us. Pretty much just said that we were idiots and she took out names down.
TL;DR - Make Google Translate to say "You fucking scrub" in my school's library.
PM_EasyMathQuestions: I made google translate read me a dirty story in Japanese once.
KindaOfficial: 白いクリームが自分のホットドッグから出てきたまで彼が猛烈に自慰行為を開始しました
PM_EasyMathQuestions: wakari masen
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1406634826 | 1406668978 | t3_2c1a22 | t5_2to41 | 1,446 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a drink in the middle of the night, without underwear.
So this just happened right now and I'm hiding in my room with all my shame behind my locked door.
About an hour ago, I started masturbating because... Well it's late at night, I'm insomniac, and I started fantasizing. The thing is, I did so through my underwear and got them fairly lubricated in the process. Fast forward to about 5 minutes ago, my underwear still aren't dry yet and I don't particularly want to wear them or put on another pair, so I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't, I'm tired as fuck and that never leads to good judgment.
I got up and walked out of my room with a shirt, no underwear to the kitchen for a drink, trusting I'll be fine since both of my parents are really heavy sleepers and never come out of their room during the night. Earlier in the day, I'd apparently left a bin in the hallway I forgot about and subsequently tripped over it in the dark, making somewhat of a clamor. No big deal, I just got up and continued on my mission for water.
So there I was, tilting a bottle of water back with the light of the refrigerator illuminating my front, ass bare, and I see a different light flash from the corner of my eye and my stomach sinks. Out walks my father with a police-strength flashlight and a gun, because he heard something which I can only suspect was me tripping over the bin, and automatically assumed someone broke in. I immediately drop the water, pull my down my shirt as far down as it can go, and kick the fridge shut. My father shines the blinding light and points his gun at me and gasps, while I'm pulling down my shirt to try to cover as much of my ass as I can, squinting at a light brighter than the light of day and screaming, "DON'T FUCKING SHOOT, IT'S YOUR DAUGHTER!" At this point, he lowers his gun and says, "Anna!? I heard something... Wait, are you NAKED!?" and I run past him as frantically as possible while his beam of light follows my bare ass scurrying all the way to my room, just in shock. From the other room, I can hear my mother yelling at my father, "Who's there!? Why are they naked? Where's your daughter?" and my father , still taken back, judging from the tone of his voice, said, "It was Anna... She didn't have pants on..." My mother is still confused and I hear her piecing it together, just screaming, "What? Why was she naked? What happened to her underwear? She doesn't sleep naked, does she? Why would she do that? ... SHE FUCKED HER CLIT, DIDN'T SHE!?", and now she's still cursing about how she should have known she had a slut of a girl for a daughter and how I'll be a whore and bring shame to my family while my father groans. Mother is Asian by the way. Somehow, mama always gets it right, no matter how far her assumption is.
Tomorrow morning is going to be hell.
**TL;DR: Got wet, wanted to get quench my thirst without panties, almost got shot by my father and now I'm the whore of my "famiry" according to my mother.**
Edit and update: Sad thing is, I had a bottle of water next to my bed. I just forgot about it.
Also, father apologized for his behavior and didn't really talk about it. He seems pretty neutral about the situation. My mother, on the other hand, was fuming this morning and wouldn't speak or look at me. We'll see how it goes when she gets home.
cerjam: walking around your house nude in the middle of the night. HOW DAAARE YOU.
..
fuck your parents.
KawaiiKirin: I assure you, it's not a nightly thing! (The way you responded, it sounded nonchalant, almost like I do it all the time)
[deleted]: being naked is not really a big deal.
Clothes Are Just a Prison for your Soul.
KawaiiKirin: Agreed. Me and my mother walk around with no pants all the time, but never without pant*ies*. That's where we drew the line
[deleted]: understandably, unless you're all active nudists that could get reeeeaaaalllllllyyyyy weird.
KawaiiKirin: No, just hot people in the summer. The other week, it was 110 degrees F. I'm not wearing pants unless I HAVE to
[deleted]: you know what; i think i like you.
KawaiiKirin: Thank you! :D This post seems to have given my more acquaintances, I like it!
[deleted]: But wait, so did you fucky your clit then?
KawaiiKirin: ... Before I got the drink of water? I think...
[deleted]: Good girl.
| 12 | 120.5 | |
1406637032 | 1406638820 | t3_2c1cix | t5_2to41 | 9 | OompaLoompaWrangler: TIFU by being nice pet sitting a doggy
So this wasn't today but like a month or so ago, but it's still fresh in my mind and these recent poop stories reminded me of it.
So one of my girlfriends friends was on leave and asked her if she would watch the dog and she agreed. The dog was pretty cool actually, but just really hyper and peed friggin everywhere to include her backpack for work, shoes, and anywhere you should find a corner.
Come to find out she's going on leave for a month in a few days and the owner is still not back, so obviously I tell her don't worry about anything I'll take care of it. So the plan is to stay at her place while I watch the dog since my landlord doesn't allow pets (plus she's got loads of food and one badass bed). So she leaves and it's me and the dog, things are ok the first couple days. I lock him up in the kitchen while I'm at work (we tried putting him in the yard but he barks all day so that was a no go) and of course as much as I try to let him out right before and after work, there's always a little doodoo or piss on the floor but nothing big. But that night it all changed.
I go to bed and close the door so incase he does have a midnight piss it's localised to the room and not all over the house. He goes to his bed on the floor, I turn my mini heater on the nightstand on, watch tv and fall asleep. Oh boy, there is nothing that could have prepared me for the horrors I was about to endure.
I wake up like a few hours later gagging from this horrid, ungodly, cut-my-nose-off-and-keep-it smell. As I'm trying to keep from puking I'm thinking "WTF?!?!" and as I'm about to step outta bed I see it....the dog must've ate something bad or had bubbly-guts from hell cause there was shit and puke EVERWHERE. And this poop ran the gambit of hard and crusty to oh-so-gooey diarrhea. Imagine, if you will, the stench, off all of this in a tiny room with all the windows and door closed, and my little heater fermenting all of it at like 100 degrees cause I forgot to turn it off, for a good 6 hours. I was on the verge of passing out so I bolt for the door skipping from dry spot to dry spot, and without thinking to close the door the dog runs out, his paws SOAKED in all of, and he's all amped up and hyper that I'm running so he's doing laps around the house smearing this crap all OVER the place.
I get a breath of fresh air, finally quit gagging long enough to get him outside and rope him to a bush, and have a good ol sit down and come to terms with how I'm gonna clean it.
I open all the windows and doors and get plastic bags and put them over my shoes like booties to try and shield them. So I dawn gloves I have in my bag from work, plastic bags on my shoes, and mop and bucket in hand, but there's one problem...the SMELL. Whenever I would get CLOSE to that mess I would gag and almost throw up instantly (scooping up the puke-shit with my hand and having it run through my fingers like wet sand didn't help). Luckily I remember seeing a tv show (movie?) where they were in the morgue and rubbed some paste -what I thought was vicks vaporub- under their nose for the smell, so I grabbed some from the bathroom and gobbed that shit on my upper lip and into the depths of my nostrils....and lemme tell you that shit worked like a charm!
So 2-3 hours later I managed to clean it all up and give the doggy a much needed bath. I felt really accomplished, like I just cleaned a murder scene and had gotten away with it. I did however lose my shoes, the goo found holes in the bags (or ate its way through) and drenched my shoes, so I just chucked them mofos, there was no saving them, rip ;(
In the end the dog turned out to be pretty cool, I even got him potty trained/on my schedule like a day before the owners came back, which was legit, and my girl got to come home to the cleanest house ever. Whenever I tell my mates they have a good laugh about it, and they all know neither of us are dog sitting again for a loooong while lol
TL;DR Watched my neighbours doggy, he shits and pukes all over the closed bedroom with my heater fermenting it overnite, I nearly wake up and die from smell.
[deleted]: Ok. You potty trained the dog in a day? How many hours?
OompaLoompaWrangler: No more like in the rest of the week I had him, I meant like when he learnt my schedule he'd hold it until I let him out. Sorry if my wording was misleading unclear :)
[deleted]: Thanks. How smelly was the shit?
OompaLoompaWrangler: One a scale of 1 to Shit, quite shit, quite shit indeed
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1406636820 | 1406689672 | t3_2c1cai | t5_2to41 | 26 | countryman117: tifu by cutting my hair while drunk
when i woke up this morning my head was killing me my mouth was dry and i was extremely nauseous no doubt i was obviously extremely hungover from my rowdy night before i could not for the life of me figure out what happened the night before so i started to get dressed and went to the bathroom (thought i was going to vomit) and find hair everywere and a tiny pair of scissors from a sewing kit laying on the sink. my heart sank as i hesitantly looked in the mirror to see my new self inflicted haircut that looked asthough a 3 yearold took a pair of hedgeclippers to my bangs
metalici0us: pls show
countryman117: how do i put a pic in a comment?
metalici0us: upload a picture on imgur and paste the link
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1406639433 | 1406679451 | t3_2c1flb | t5_2to41 | 32 | masta666: TIFU while talking to my boss
A little bit of background: over the summer I have a part-time job cleaning the buildings at my local college before the students get back. The job isn't too hard and everyone is really laidback, especially my boss. Everyday he'll come in and jokingly ask "what are you doing? "as though he caught you doing something you're not supposed to.
Anyway, this morning I thought to myself "what if I responded with 'your mom'?". I didn't actually think it would be funny to do, but the idea was so ridiculous that it made me laugh. Fast forward an hour. As usual, my boss came in and asked what I was doing. Without thinking about it I said "your mother". Because I said it without thinking about it, it came out very monotone and sounded like I was legitimately trying to be an asshole. He then looked at me and said "that wasn't very nice" in a serious tone before walking away. I'm not worried about losing my job, but he's one of the best people I've ever worked for and I think I hurt his feelings.
TL; DR: told my boss I was having sex with his mom and may have accidentally hurt his feelings.
UPDATE: I apologized to my boss and he shrugged it off. Turns out he knew I was joking and wasn't offended at all, he was just fucking with me. Either way, this experience has taught me a valuable lesson about watching who I say that shit to.
mclitch: OP you done fucked up, but you can salvage the situation by going to him and apologizing to him (your boss) saying that you forget about the worker boss hirearchy and that you are sorry for your incorrect words.
Remember in the future OP, the boss is never your friend even if he appears to be to be at face value hes loyalties are to his position not you.
masta666: Yeah, I definitely agree. I'll do that next time I see him.
rob_var: or offer your mom as tribute just so that he can tell you he is doing your mom too. It cancels out the hard feelings
HomieDOESPlayDat: Hehe OP's mom will be feeling something hard
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1406642228 | 1406762721 | t3_2c1jti | t5_2to41 | 494 | FlibitEJibit: TIFU by hitting my 4-year-old in his teeny tiny balls
My son is finally out of a diaper, so there is no extra padding between his genitals and the buckles of his car seat. He usually climbs into the seat and sits down, then lifts his bum up so I can fish out the clasp for the buckles that go between his legs. I'm probably not describing the scene very well, so just understand that I have to reach my hand under him while he is lifting his butt up off the seat.
Since I'm used to a diaper there, I wasn't gentle when I reached for it and managed to punch the little dude right in the nads. He let out a squeak and his eyes got really wide, then he just kind of sat there dazed before saying, "Ow mommy!" When we got to our destination, he insisted on unbuckling himself. I think I'll teach him how to use the clasp himself from now on.
NeuroSurgeon1: Teeny Tiny Testes.
FlibitEJibit: Triple T. It's a new nickname!
[deleted]: Teeny Tiny Tortured Testes
NeuroSurgeon1: You're pushing it brah
TheNerd9: Teeny Tiny Tortured Toddler Testes
[deleted]: Teeny Tiny Tender Tortured Toddler Testes
HAce203: Teeny Tiny Tender Tortured Toddler Triple Testes
| 8 | 61.75 | |
1406641133 | 1406665564 | t3_2c1i33 | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by quoting Airplane
I was on the train with my partner and as a pastime we were discussing funny films that we needed to watch together. I suggested Airplane, and without thinking I quoted it. "I take it [coffee] black, like my men."
Well of course a large black man walked past at that exact moment and sat down in the next isle. He definitely heard me as he looked straight at me. Mortified I span around to stare out the window whilst my partner sat there laughing at me.
under_analysis: I've done something similar by quoting the "I've got a drinking problem" joke when I spill a beverage on myself while trying to drink. Some people get it, but sometimes I get serious side-eye.
AttackTribble: I used to have a drink problem. Then I found another bottle. :)
| 3 | 12 | |
1406643139 | 1406708951 | t3_2c1l8c | t5_2to41 | 1,053 | GrammarDetectives: TIFU by walking into my parents bedroom without knocking...
You'd think for this kind of title I'd be like 12, nope. I'm 19.... I was just going to the gym, so I did what any normal kid would do, went to my parents room to tell them I'd be going out. Opened the door, and saw my mom reaming my dad... Yes, you read that right. My. Mom. Reaming. My. Dad. She had some kinda strapon on......... I closed the door and spent the next hour just trying to bleach my eyes, while simultaneously ignoring my parents texts to come up so we can talk... I can't look at them... :(
TL;DR: Opened my parents door, while my mom was opening my dads butthole with her fake weiner
edit: just to clarify for /u/notpercychuggs, who just assumed this was the middle of the day for some reason, I go to a 24 hour gym, I went at 1130 pm
EDIT: let this be a PSA to parents that have a kinkier side..... PLEASE LOCK YOUR DOOR
MZago1: Well ya see buddy, sometimes when a man and a woman love each other, they um... you see, what I'm trying to say is that uh... Mommy and Daddy were having a special hug.
GrammarDetectives: I feel like this is the worst age for this to happen.... I'm too old for them to give some lame excuse like that, and I'm too young to be living away from them so that this would never happen again... (going to university like right nextdoor so its convenient)
ExtropianAtheist: When I was 16 I realized the bolt in my parents bedroom ceiling was for their sex swing. I moved out, and never looked back.
Sessamina: If you don't mind me asking, how did you move out so young?
ExtropianAtheist: I was actually kicked out of my house when I was 16 and my parents divorced a year later. Live on my own ever since, been 11 years now. My parents hate each other now lol but I get along with them great. Very open family.... Very open...
terranq: >I get along with them great. Very open family.... Very open...
Did you happen to break your arms around that time?
ExtropianAtheist: No?
LazyTheSloth: The reference is. Kid broke arms mom jerked him off. You well see the reference in almost every thread.
| 9 | 117 | |
1406643488 | 1406656066 | t3_2c1lsl | t5_2to41 | 20 | XkelkeoX: TIFU by using superglue
I was working on a project with super glue, I didn't realize some had freshly splashed onto the back of my hand. My eye got itchy so I used said hand to rub my eye. BAD IDEA. My hand was almost instantly fused with my eye, and on top of that my eyelid was actually fused together. In my panic of the moment I grabbed the bottle which then bonded itself to my other hand.
In the end I used my feet to dislodge the bottle from my hand. Took a big deep breath and ripped my glued hand off of my eye. Wouldn't you know it my hand came off but all the glue stayed behind on my eyelashes! I took another deep breath and ripped all of my eyelashes out at once...
TL:DR Used super glue, ended up living without eyelashes for six months
Fozzy24: You darn messed up a a ron hopefully you're better now
XkelkeoX: I have never touched the stuff again. FYI it also burns like hell when hitting your eyeball
Fozzy24: Did you go to a doctor or anything? They could have saved you a lot of pain and rinsed it out with eye drops.
XkelkeoX: I was like 16 at the time, When my dad got home he asked why my eye was red and swollen . When I told him he just laughed and walked away. I was a very accident prone child and he was probably tired of the weekly trips to the ER.
Fozzy24: I don't see why this isn't more up voted honestly i think its an awful tifu an very unique. Any after effects still from it?
XkelkeoX: Well I guess you can't please everyone. As far as long term effects none that I am aware of, except the shame of knowing I did it. To this day my friends remind "hey, remember that time you glued your hand to your eye"
| 7 | 2.857143 | |
1406645150 | 1406651028 | t3_2c1og5 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by remembering the wrong time
Literally just happened, I'm sitting defeated in my car in the parking lot...
Had a job interview today, nothing special. Interview is at 10:30, I show up at 10:15. Manager makes a face when the customer service guy called her over and said she had an interview. Manager said she'd be with me momentarily.
Manager asks if my interview was at 10:45 or 10:00. Turns out it was at 10 and I was late... Manager said she'd call to reschedule, but I don't think it's gonna happen....
TLDR: showed up at the wrong time for a job interview
FestivePlague: That sucks, I'm sorry. I've been told the wrong time before and came in at the time I was told by a third party and ended up being late.
[deleted]: Yeah, but this was completely my fault. I wrote the right time down, but some reason 10:30 stuck in my mind.
FestivePlague: In that case, I like to think maybe this job wasn't the right one for you. Maybe you'll find something much better soon.
[deleted]: /cross fingers
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1406646614 | 1406650725 | t3_2c1qx5 | t5_2to41 | 10 | shrimpfajita75: TIFU by saying "I love you" to my girlfriend of two months
Well, it happened 2 weeks ago.... I visited my girlfriend at her house and I brought a bag of high quality blow that I bought completely on a whim (I never really have used it much).
So we decided to do alot of it and have sex like rabbits. Everything is going amazing, I am as high as a kite and she is on top of me and we are passionately kissing and making sweet love. Im looking into her eyes, shes looking into mine, and I am in the definition of "the heat of the moment". Finally I just blurt out "I love you" and she sort of stops and says "is it ok if i dont say it back? and are you just saying it because you are high?" and I said "i think so" and we resumed like normal
2 weeks later we broke up and she said partially it was because I said I love you that one time.
cocaine is a hell of a drug.....
Eat_The_Muffin: She was just using you for drugs
s1ic3: Yeah was "buying cocaine on a whim" code for "my girl asked me to get a ton of blow"?
Eat_The_Muffin: Yes
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406648106 | 1406648345 | t3_2c1tk3 | t5_2to41 | 12 | leftyguitarjoe: TIFU by blasting a stranger's car with piss
My friend and I were on a 2+ hour car ride and didn't want to stop. I had been drinking beer the whole time. It was my vacation, and I'll be damned if I wasted any of it being sober. For the record, I was NOT driving.
So, while he drove, naturally I had to pee. I peed in a water bottle and just about completely filled it up. It was literally about 18 ounces of beer piss.
Now, I'm not one to senselessly litter, so me and my infinite (and buzzed) wisdom decided to just dump my piss and bag up the bottle for later. Hooray for responsibility!
I failed to factor in the fact that we were going 70mph on the highway. My piss immediately turned into a piss mist upon turning the bottle over outside. It sprayed all over the car behind us. They even had to turn their wipers on. I laughed so hard I cried and had to piss again. I capped that one and waited till we reached out destination.
In my defense, they were following us pretty closely.
silentthesneak: Reminds me of an episode of its always sunny in Philadelphia I watched the other night.
leftyguitarjoe: Which episode?
| 3 | 4 | |
1406648324 | 1406665962 | t3_2c1txm | t5_2to41 | 40 | kgarring: TIFU by adding my dad's old friend on Facebook
A little background: my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in 2008 when I was 20. We were very close. He and my mom were completely devoted to each other and had a great marriage.
His old college buddy added me on facebook this morning and I accepted, thinking he may have some old pics of my dad and that this would be a great experience. Well, he had only one picture of my dad - the two of them at a football tailgate, each one sucking some random hot chick's nipples. I told my sister about it and she just said "omg" and laughed. I don't know why it's bothering me so much. TIFU and it feels bad, man
s1ic3: Don't forget that no matter how good of a guy your dad is he still had nights out with the boys... Trust, that absolutely does not mean that he was fucking around or anything but in love with your mother, but sometimes things get a little _blurry_.... Also, couldn't it have been like, before he was married??
kgarring: Yeah, I know. There are definitely some pics that I hope my kids never see. I know my parents are humans. It was just weird to see I guess?
As to your question, my parents got married in 1985 and the picture says it was taken in 1999.
TerminusEst86: Plot Twist: OP's parents were swingers, and his mom was the one taking the picture.
[deleted]: Plot Twist Twist: OP's Mom was taking a selfie
| 5 | 8 | |
1406649015 | 1406679708 | t3_2c1v6t | t5_2to41 | 418 | CarsTrucksBuses: TIFU by seeing my roommates mom naked
Before I begin my short story, let it be known that i'm an idiot. Okay, so, my roommates parents came in town yesterday to help him move out today, but I didn't meet them until a few hours ago (Worked a late shift). So this morning, these people who I've never met before, are running all over the house trying to get all their sons shit packed away in the car. I meet them briefly, introduce myself, and go about my morning, which is basically eating leftovers and looking at Reddit. Anyway, I just went to do my laundry (literally 10 mins ago) when I realized I had to take a piss. As I'm walking to the bathroom, I see my roommate outside packing up his stuff. When I get to the bathroom, I hear water running and I'm briefly confused. Just for the record, I was confused to hear water running because my roommate and I are the only ones who use this bathroom and since I had just saw him outside...you get it. Anyway, I open the door and there his mom. She standing there totally naked about to get into the shower. We make eye contact. I close the door immediately and quickly apologize through the door. She replays with something like "That must have been a sight" followed by a short, uncomfortable laugh. Fuck.
unholy88: Was she hot?
castle78: Can't believe he left out the most important detail!
stilesja: OP! Pls!
CarsTrucksBuses: No, no she wasn't.
BobVosh: Brown bag special?
[deleted]: As sold by Don West? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kgZlRtVZh8
Edallag: Shout out to TNA's livelihood likely being destroyed by Spike not pursuing to renew TNA's contract.
[deleted]: They'll survive I reckon they were without TV before and they went to the internet and that was about ten years . With all that sweet money from Bob Carter they could afford to produce episodes for Youtube or any where else that may want them.
Edallag: You make a good point. I don't wanna be the guy who says "L-let's see where this goes, guys!", but I'm afraid I've got some bad news. I'm totally going to be that guy.
Let's see where this goes, guys (and girls).
[deleted]: TNA are like a shit football team anyway you think that they're crap and don't want to support them an any more but then they do something amazing and flip it around which makes you love them all the more.
Edallag: I'll do OP's roomie's mom to that.
^^^^^^^^i ^^^^^^^^won't.
| 12 | 34.833333 | |
1406649872 | 1406670366 | t3_2c1wny | t5_2to41 | 27 | Pastor_Bill: TIFU by showing mercy
I was lying on the floor in my basement under a blanket watching Netflix when I felt something on my leg. I threw the blanket off and discovered a beetle approximately one inch in length with small pincers on the floor. I then trapped the beetle in a cup with a book on top and forgot about it.
The next day I was again lying on the floor watching Netflix, when I accidentally kicked over the cup with the book on top. Having forgotten about the beetle I thought nothing of it and continued watching Star Trek.
The beetle, however, was unwilling to let bygones be bygones, and crawled under my blanket up past my leg, and pinched me directly on the scrotum.
I trapped it in the same cup, but this time immediately took it outside and threw it into my neighbors yard.
Tl;dr: beetle pinched my scrote.
spacecowboy007: Your mistake wasn't showing mercy the first time....it was showing it the second.
This is no ordinary beetle. It obviously has the intelligence to know exactly how to hurt you the most, given the disparity in size between you two.
I would fear its retribution now that it has the freedom and the time to exact a more complete revenge.
Edit:spelling
rob_var: exactly and what if that beetle knows more beetles and it teaches them this new scrotum pinching technique
They will rise against us!
spacecowboy007: Only Antman will be able to save us!
I think Paul Rudd could get on board with a scrotum saving plot.
| 4 | 6.75 |
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