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1406649006 | 1406667276 | t3_2c1v63 | t5_2to41 | 79 | unclenoah: TIFU by sending out a random act of pizza
A friend of mine was broke and hungry last night, so I offered to send over a pizza (I was stuck at work, so delivering it myself was not an option). My friend said Pizza Hut was the only delivery in their area, so I called the closest shop, and they said that in order to purchase a pizza, they would need to have the credit card holder present with the card and ID - either at the store, or at the point of delivery. So, that wasn't going to happen.
So I looked for advice the only place I know to look: Reddit! In the RAOP subreddit, it talked about eGiftCards, and how these allow the recipient to make the pizza purchase directly. After taking kind of circuitous trip through the Pizza Hut website, I finally found where to purchase the eGiftCard (really, they don't make it easy), and I thought things were finally set for success.
Then, my friend says the email with the eGiftCard hasn't arrived. I look at my receipt, and in the fine print it says that most orders are fulfilled within 60 minutes, but some can take up to 6 hours. Mind you, it's now around 9:30p.m.
Luckily, the email with the card arrived shortly thereafter, and now I think, "Ah, my good deed is done." My friend emails to say that the pizza is ordered and everything is good.
Then, about a half hour later, my friend gets back to me. It turns out that Pizza Hut has a policy that says they'll only accept eGiftCards as payment if the customer brings in a print-out of the eGiftCard. My friend didn't have a printer, and at 10p.m. there weren't any public printing facilities open in the area. My friend asked the Pizza Hut location manager if they could print the eGiftCard from the computer in their office, and the manager said no. I tried calling the customer service line on my receipt, but it turns out (get this) that the company that provides the eGiftCards is not Pizza Hut, but a eGiftCard company. So, though they thought it didn't make much sense for a customer to have to print out an eGiftCard to use it, they noted that this was a Pizza Hut policy, not their policy, so there was nothing they could do to help out.
So, my friend had to leave the pie behind, and went back home hungry. Thanks, Pizza Hut!
TLDR: I teased someone with a free pizza dinner
corby_tender: all you had to do was call the pizza place, order the pizza on a credit card and have your friend sign your name.
itsgettingbetter8: > they said that in order to purchase a pizza, they would need to have the credit card holder present with the card and ID - either at the store, or at the point of delivery.
corby_tender: I've never had a delivery driver ask for id when using a credit card
itsgettingbetter8: Me either. But apparently that particular Pizza Hut asks, which is why it wasn't as easy as having the friend sign OP's name.
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1406650564 | 1406686308 | t3_2c1xx1 | t5_2to41 | 270 | [deleted]: Tifu by showing my girlfriend r/spacedicks
I have been a long time lurker on reddit and contributing a few comments here and there.
A few days ago, I was browsing the front page and my girlfriend asks what am I looking at. I tell her reddit and she says, "I've heard of that. What exactly is it?" I explain the sfw things like r/diy, r/crafts, r/funny etc., making sure to stay away from r/gonewild and all the nsfw subreddits. Last night after dinner while channel surfing, I saw Melissa Rauch from The Big Bang Theory on Conan. She mentions her parents using "circlejerk" incorrectly. I turn to her and say, "there's a r/circlejerk" and she decides to look it up. I wasn't exactly sure what people posted on it and she continues to say its not that bad. Me being the immature 10 year old say, "if you want bad, I'll show you bad." I grab her phone and type in "spacedicks," hand her her phone back and wait. She glances at it and immediately starts dry heave. By this time, im laughing so hard, i begin to cough uncontrollably. She gets up and runs to the bathroom. Before she makes it to the toilet, our dog walks in front of her causing my gf to look down. As she does, she loses it and sprays our dog with vomit. I was forced to bathe our dog. Worst/best night ever.
Tl; dr if your girlfriend has a weak stomach, don't show her r/spacedicks
coochini_martini: What is in r/spacedicks?!
Ulkreghz: Gore, homosexual pornography, posts better suited to /r9k/ on 4chan (see: shit posting) and the visual equivalent of posts on /r/BraveryJerk^^NSFW
Hope that helps. OP's post smacks of /r/thathappened but I guess a lot of this sub does.
Edit: /r/Bulges is much better for the dicks and there's plenty of less hyped up and callous 'gore' out there. It's more the theme and OTT attitude of madness that makes SpaceDicks the festering dive it is.
coochini_martini: Yikes, I'll stay out of there. Although I do look at WTF everyday which is generally mild but has some really extreme things from time to time. I'll stick to that lol
Ulkreghz: It's no coincidence that /r/Im14andthisisWTF has the exact same content as /r/WTF, [try unsubbing from there and going for something like](http://i.imgur.com/bCN1IZV.jpg) /r/FiftyFifty.
gearofwar4266: /r/fiftyfifty is straight from the pits of hell.
| 6 | 45 | |
1406651608 | 1406732699 | t3_2c1ztz | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing a Werewolf Mask
So, it was a pretty usual night.
Except for it wasn't! It was Halloween night, and I was at my friend's house.
A little background; me and my friend LOVED to spend our time together thinking of ways to play pranks. We would unplug people's Christmas lights, write stupid things in duct tape on people's car windows, change "vote for *" signs with our own "custom" ones, etc
Tonight was different... *unique*. There was something in the air, I could feel it as my friend, his sister, and I walked towards the road.
Our plan was as simple as it was idiotic, we were going to have my friend wear a large furry "werewolf" mask and sit on the side of the road. When a car comes, he would jump out and "scare" the driver of the car.
So, me and his sister hid in the tall grass on the other side of the road while he sat in the drainage ditch, after a minute a pair of headlights approached!
Brimming with excitement, the car got closer and closer, to the point that I could read the writing on the side of it
"Vidville County Police"
The first car to come down the road at 11:00PM is a cop.
So we got very scared and watched as Mr. Werewolf man jumped out IN FRONT of the cop car, making him slam on his brakes with an audible squeel.
"Get over here right now!" Screamed the police officer, as he adjusted the spotlight to shine on the wild werewolf.
The werewolf masked boy, at this point, had NO idea that it was even a police officer, because of the low visibility in the mask, so naturally he ran right over to where we were hiding!
"Werewolf boy, YOU IDIOT! GO THE OTHER WAY!" his sister begged, as the spotlight shined around in the weeds. I have never laid so still in my life.
The werewolf danced to avoid the spotlight, pointlessly running in circles while wondering what to do now.
At this point, we all knew it was inevitable: get arrested, or run for our lives.
So, on the count of 3, the werewolf and his companions began sprinting through the suburban neighborhood yards towards home.
It was like a cartoon, one of the yards we passed I saw someone standing at their sliding glass doors, wondering why a werewolf just ran through their yard at 11PM.
The police officer was following us in his vehicle as we ran through the yards. We eventually came to a stop in the woods near his home. We took heavy breaths as we prepared to run to his house, the final sprint to victory.
We took off running, the policeman's lights flashing, the world a blur. We weaved in between a row of hedges, losing the line of sight from the police officer.
We opened his side door and ran inside, immediately going around the house turning the lights off.
The police officer did not see what house we went into, and continued circling the neighborhood as we watched in darkness and silence from the window.
After catching her breath, his sister said
"I really need some chocolate"
**TL;DR: Werewolf mask wearing boy nearly gets #rekt by police. Technically an escaped felon now.**
I have more stories to tell of me and my friend, if this gets a good response I will post them :D
rob_var: Surprise motherfucker!
I finally found you, you punks!
Vid-Master: Go back to Dunkin Donuts!
rob_var: but I'm on a diet
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1406642935 | 1406688742 | t3_2c1kwx | t5_2to41 | 8 | Gotsbacon: TIFU by trying to "fix" my mistakes...
TIFU and tried to install Ubuntu on my PC. I had made a new partition to transfer files between Windows 8.1 and Ubuntu. My fuck-up has multiple parts to it, but ill start chronologically.
FU1: Didn't shrink my C drive so that I could safely install ubuntu without risking file loss
FU2: Pressing "install ubuntu alongisde windows 8.1. My naive brain thought to press this as it was the "recommened" option, even though my past experiences have told me to NEVER go with recommended. Oh well, this is ubuntu, this is linux, it must be better and the people making this must know what to do... Oh boy was I wrong..
Everything installs fine, Ubuntu runs nicely. FuckYea.jpg. Want to see how shitty windows is after Seven Minutes of Heaven. Restart, choose to boot into windows. Launching windows repair.. What the fuck? At this point its worth mentioning that in all my years of fucking around with windows, I've only managed to end up here after I set my network card as default boot device and putting my HDD into "excluded"...
Yes i was quite stupid but at the same time smart enough to be the "techie" at my school. If anybody in my classroom had a problem, theyd come running for me like I'd just opened a pack of gum.
So, me being smart, did a backup. Saved by being smart. Well this is TIFU and something bad has to happen. External hard drive isnt being recognised as the drivers must have been corrupted and unable to install... What to do, what to do. Oh yea, ill just hook it up to my router and try that.
I manage to connect windows repair to it, and start my recovery. But this ain't over yet. My internet cuts out, (it happens regularly where I live) and my recovery stops. FuckMe.jpg. These internet cut outs are for only minutes at a time, but cripples my router, and I have to do a hard reboot (unplug, plug back into power).
When i get back to my pc, I try to get out of the "recovery", but its not letting me... So I reset it as well, and now my boot manager has been deleted. Fucking great.
Oh shit, I built this PC myself and got Windows 8.1 OEM. Hopefully I can reinstall otherwise ill be permanently stuck to Ubuntu. (nothing against ubunut, just a waste of 100$ and some nice features gone :( ) I boot up into my CD, and reinstall successfully. Most of my settings were backed up thanks to SkyDrive.. On which for some reason I have 1TB of storage thanks to my Office 365 subscription. Also, all my important data was backed up to it, and I backed all of it up using my laptop.
Yay, Windows 8.1 boot screen. Never been so relieved after the first bootup of this pc. Spent 5 hours trying to restore/file history but it wouldnt work as my PC couldnt decrypt the backups... :(
I guess theres a silver lining to every story on here. I apologize for the wall of text and bad english... Its not my first language...
TL;DR (used to think this meant "The Lesson; Dear Reader): BACKUPS!! Oh yea and also google how to do something...
Jasondazombie: /r/talesfromtechsupport would love this.
Gotsbacon: already did
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406652117 | 1406683732 | t3_2c20rx | t5_2to41 | 3,073 | Nuke-The-Whales: TIFU by masturbating with the shower head.
So pretty much every post I submit here is related to my vagina . . . We fuck up a lot.
My family owns a property in the city, and I texted them all stating that I would be spending 2 days there alone just to relax, do some reading, walk around, etc.
The detachable shower head at home has been broken for a few months, so when I realized that the apartment had one I wept with joy.
My Dad works in the city, and has a key to the apartment . . . I figured that since I told them all I was having a mini-getaway, no one would come bother me. WRONG.
I'm in the shower blasting ole reliable at the goods, while letting out mini moans. I orgasm as I moan deeper.
I wash up, grab a towel (thank god) only to leave the bathroom to find my Dad sitting on the couch with lunch for us as a surprise.
I have a mild heart attack as my face burns red. He said nothing, but his face said it all. There is no way he didn't hear me.
Damn you, Dad, why do you have to be so goddamn considerate?!
[deleted]: I don't know why anybody thinks unannounced visits are a good thing.
FuckinUpMyZoom: if you own a house/apartment, its fair game to show up whenever provided you aren't renting it out to someone else which he's not...
why does everyone act like this is her sanctuary? its his place!
bluecamel17: They obviously allow the family to share it. That being the case, and being that she planned to stay there alone, an expectation of privacy without warning is reasonable. With your logic, it's cool for him to just walk into the shower while she's in there. After all, he owns it.
FuckinUpMyZoom: you can't honestly think thats what I'm saying... apples and oranges.
a shower is in a bathroom, which is considered private regardless of the occupant as many people are often partially or completely disrobed in them don't be a complete fucking moron.
_0110111001101111_: >you can't honestly think thats what I'm saying... apples and oranges.
>
They're both still fruit, are they not?
FuckinUpMyZoom: that doesn't make them the same... does it?
_0110111001101111_: Under a broad classification, a fruit is still a fruit. You could compare lychees to watermelons. They're still fruit.
FuckinUpMyZoom: you could compare anything... the word compare means to look at and see how they are similar or not.
the fact that you can compare something doesn't mean anything as we've said you could compare testicles to chainsaws. it doesn't make them the same thing either.
stop being such a fucking retard.
_0110111001101111_:
>the fact that you can compare something doesn't mean anything as we've said you could compare testicles to chainsaws. it doesn't make them the same thing either.
>stop being such a fucking retard.
I compared fruit. Apples and oranges fall under a common category, ie, fruit. Please, do enlighten me and anyone else reading as to which common category testicles and chainsaws fall under.
FuckinUpMyZoom: Nouns, Matter, long words. there are commonalities present in extremely unlikely places. it doesn't mean they aren't there. just because you think these two things are so different.
_0110111001101111_: You can classify the words themselves under nouns, you can't classify the testicle itself as a noun, nor can you classify a chainsaw as a noun. Only the word can be classified under the category of a noun. Matter can't be used to classify things either. Its too broad a term to classify things.
FuckinUpMyZoom: making up your own arbitrary rules is a pretty good way to win an argument dumbass. I see you've gone with that strategy. it seems fitting as its what th[is kid would do](http://global3.memecdn.com/spoiled-brat_o_2081683.jpg)
go away.
_0110111001101111_: Lol, making my own rules? A classification is meant to group similar things together based on similar characteristics or properties. If you don't know that, then educate yourself on a topic before getting into an argument over it. Apples and oranges are classified together based on similar properties. In your example, what similar characteristics do testicles and chainsaws have? I'm touched that you went to all that effort to find a meme for me though.
FuckinUpMyZoom: we aren't classifying things, we're comparing them.
their doesn't have to be anything in common to compare things...
simply the act of looking for those things in common, is comparing them...
what the fuck is wrong with you?
_0110111001101111_:
>their doesn't have to be anything in common to compare things...
Just because there doesn't have to be anything in common doesn't mean there shouldn't be. Otherwise, why make the comparison at all? A comparison is to compare things. If they don't have anything in common, how can you form a basis of comparison to compare the things you're comparing? It becomes a pointless exercise.
| 16 | 192.0625 | |
1406652178 | 1406655964 | t3_2c20wd | t5_2to41 | 5 | CountedTo96: TIFU by throwing rocks at the weird kid
Childhood story, I'm 17 now.
About 10 years ago my parents split up and my mum moved to a new place, same city. I spent the first few weeks curiously exploring everything around the neighbourhood, on this particular day I had a friend over.
We were out in the woods next to my house when he spotted a figure standing on a staircase about 5 meters out, staring.
He was just about our age, wearing a pyjama,...just looking. A great opportunity to make a new friend around here, we greeted him politely. Silence. We greeted again, even waved at him - no reaction.
I was really confused while my friend started getting aggressive and yelling, I tried to be cool and did the same.
Eventually, after minutes of him staring and us talking shit, my friend picked up a small rock and suggested we throw some at him to force some kind of reaction. After a few hits he still just stood still, in silence...watching us.
At that point the situation started to get creepy and we just got out of there, back to some other business
Later that day, after my friend had already left, I met that kid's mum for the first time. She asked me to be understanding with her son because he has down symdrome.
TLDR; Threw rocks at the creepy kid silently staring at me, turns out to be a downie
Argus_Eye: Fucks sake. Hope you're not still friends with the little rock-throwing fuck.
CountedTo96: He moved away, haven't seen him in ages...he's always had that kind of attitude lol
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406653681 | 1406657512 | t3_2c23oh | t5_2to41 | 9 | bigbowlowrong: tifu by cumming blood into my gf's mouth
Manxman64: Did you ever see her again?
bigbowlowrong: Yep, we tried the long-distance thing and she flew to Australia to visit me after a few months. The relationship didn't last out the remainder of the year though.
As friends, we're still in regular contact. We haven't spoken about that night since we broke up. I sometimes wonder if she even remembers but I'm not going to ask.
busty__Y__ruckus: She remembers.
bigbowlowrong: I suspect you're right.
It's kind of like that impulse you get when standing on the edge of a tall building, to just jump. The other day I was speaking to her and was wondering what her reaction would be if I was just like '...yeah that's interesting. hey remember that time my cock was in your mouth and you almost broke it?'
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1406651063 | 1406657038 | t3_2c1yud | t5_2to41 | 13 | RapidReciprocation: TIFU by flat-out lying
No throwaway because.
So I am 21, gay and I am not out, but I really want to see and chat with gay guys my age etc. So I decide that an OKCupid account is the way to go about meeting guys. Main problem is that I am terribly closeted and don't want someone to recognise me just yet. I tell myself I will take a nice picture of myself as soon as possible and put it up. But right now I need a picture.
No problem thinks I, and I do some quick google-fu to get a nice picture of a cute guy, just to use temporarily as my profile pic until I drum up the courage to post a real picture of myself. I got the perfect picture, set up my profile, filled all the little bits in accurately and honestly and looking at it, it reads really well.
So I leave my profile up, it gets some views and some messages (honestly more than I expected), I don't reply or anything. Watching this, I should have stopped right here: how could I possible explain my appearance suddenly changing, to the people who had messaged me?
But youth is foolish and I carried on, until I got The Message.
The Message came form a guy who was seemingly perfect: well built, handsome, similar interests, and seemed like a genuine guy. And he had messaged ME.
Rational me said to stop right away, delete the account and make a new one with the right photo. Unfortunately me that needs affirmation though that if I talked to him, and we got to enjoying it, he would not feel bad when I told him my picture was wrong.
So I went ahead with the chat. We exchanged numbers and chatted over whatsapp for a while, and I thought it was going really well; we had a great conversation that was really deep and fulfilling. Too bad it was all predicated on a lie.
Long story short, I told him, sent him a real picture and my real name. He judged me harshly (who would blame him), was very short bordering on rude, as I rightfully deserved, and then stopped talking to me.
Now I am sitting here getting slowly drunk and wishing I was not such an idiot.
TL;DR: Used a fake picture to protect myself, ignored common sense, lost a chance at something great.
Optimisms_Flames: I know how it feels to be closeted. It's definitely a scary thing to think you might get caught because you're not ready for people to know about you.
But here's the good news! There are apps and stuff strictly for homosexual men where you can feel comfortable using your photograph. If someone else you know is on it, outing you can either be risking outing themselves by admitting how they found out, or it can be easily explained away if someone "reports" you to a breeder you know.
On the other hand, if someone DOES admit how they found out, why would they be friends with a person who would be on Grindr or Adam4Adam if they wouldn't accept you for what you are?
Even better yet, you're not searchable via google this way.
As with anything, be careful meeting people online. And good luck.
Get off of OKCupid. Fake pictures will lead you nowhere every time.
RapidReciprocation: This is exactly what I am realising. Thank you for your advice.
Optimisms_Flames: Anytime at all!
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1406639574 | 1406709024 | t3_2c1fri | t5_2to41 | 68 | zzxcvb: TIFU by trying to run on a treadmill
So this happened about 30 mins ago: I was at the gym running on the treadmill because I wanted to lose weight around my waist. I usually go at a fast-walk pace for about 20~30 mins, but today I decided I wanted to speed things up and try a running pace.
So I decided to try the running while I was doing my fast-walk pace and I only did a short amount of time (~2mins, pathetic really) before my sides hurt and I was out of breath. No matter I thought, I'd do something else and then go back to it and try again.
After a few weight lifts later I come back to the treadmill and try running again, and I was actually running for over my previous time, but I was starting to kinda lose the momentum of it. So I thought "hey! why don't I close my eyes?"
You can see where this is going.
So I close my eyes on the fast treadmill and I'm thinking "wow, this is nice, this feels gr-why am I descending?" and I look down, and I'm right at the bottom end of the treadmill. I look up and the guy next to me is looking at me like I'm a massive retard.
So yes, I did manage to basically get flung off the treadmill, and as I was running faster than I usually do, in the heat of the moment and embarrasment I thought "well ok I'll just get back on it" without realising the damn thing is at running speed (9KM/H). So I put one foot on and try to put another but the other foot flies off and the other foot is barely keeping on. I look like a goddamn octopus at this stage, but I manage to get back on and stop it, but without all the grace.
Even the gym guy came along and was like "You alright mate? Are you sure?" and I said "Yeah, I'm good, honest" while on the outside I was pretty much wishing that either the ground had came up and swallowed me or swallowed the other gym member, especially the other guy next to me.
Shortly after I went back on the treadmill, but stuck to the fast walking speed. With my eyes open this time.
MagicMike93: Happens more often than you would think. But can I just give a little input? It is not pathetic that your side was hurting after 2 mins of running. Everyone starts somewhere I used to do intervals if I ran on the treadmill, or gradually increased the speed. It takes time! Don't give up and keep working at it!
zzxcvb: Cheers for the input, I'm definitely planning on keeping up the fitness!
Nandabun: Close your eyes, sure, but keep both hands on the bar.
| 4 | 17 | |
1406654765 | 1406680922 | t3_2c25r5 | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU... Drove away from taco bell hungry...
TIFU... Ordered taco bell this morning, 1 sausage am crunchwrap and 1 sausage grande scrambler. Stoked that I was getting breakfast there!
I pulled up, had my debit card in hand waiting for them to open the window, it was taking very long. As I was waiting I was playing with my card and the car door window, placing my card in various positions getting it to stand. Then all of a sudden the card disappeared and slid straight threw the window slot!.... The guy opens the taco bell window and gives me the total, I stare at him with my mouth open. I am in shock. The guy asks if i'm ok, and I point and speak in mumbling at the door. The guy begins to ask his manager, and I quickly faced the facts of the situation and drove away... hungry.
(Reported the card stolen)
tbtstf: You probably helped out your body in the long run.
canwegoback: TACO BELL IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL!
| 3 | 9 | |
1406655094 | 1406659898 | t3_2c26dc | t5_2to41 | 6 | mcgrady206: TIFU by getting head
holy_doodle: *taps fingers waiting patiently for OP to edit post so that we can identify as to what the problem with his current scenario is...
mcgrady206: i was covered in nasty alcohol puke.
8BitPoro: in the shower... Ya know? That place that cleans you when your getting head from you GF in your bed and she pukes on you? It's conveniently surrounding you at that precise moment.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406653218 | 1406680239 | t3_2c22t0 | t5_2to41 | 78 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally stripping in front of a builder
I'm a university student and have just come home for the summer. My parents recently moved to a new house and still have contractors working on a new greenhouse. I go for long runs on the weekends and had just come back and was feeling really hot and sweaty and decided to strip off and take a shower. Unbeknownst to me, there was a contractor taking measurements outside and since he was quiet and I couldn't see him out the window, I had no idea he was there and thought I was alone in the house. I pulled off my clothes in my bedroom, walked to the lounge where the storage cupboard is and bent over to get my towel out of the bottom drawer when the builder came in to see me naked and bending over with my ass in the air. I heard the door open, spun around and let out the most ridiculous scream I've ever done and the poor builder choked out a "Shit, shit, sorry, oh my god," and ran back out again. He's gone now and I have no idea how I'm going to tell my parents. This guy is going to be at my house for the next eight weeks almost every day and I'm probably hiding in my room for the rest of the summer.
Tl;dr: Walked in on naked by a builder who's going to be at my house for the rest of the summer building a greenhouse.
TheDemonClown: That lucky bastard.
Also, you should ask if he'd install a skylight or add a bay window to your room for free now.
NeoMegamanX: A really big window that faces a tall climbable tree
canwegoback: Just like in the movies!
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1406654626 | 1406748049 | t3_2c25hy | t5_2to41 | 10 | ClassyTurkey: TIFU: by opening a fire Taco Bell sauce with my teeth.
So you might have an idea what happened, but here it is anyway.
I went to TacoBell for a quick bite and got my normal meal. I normally grab a few hot sauce to enjoy on my tacos, but decided to try the fire sauce for a little more bite... Well I got it.
When opening the sauce I was holding my taco with one and was going to open the sauce with the other. To make it easier I grabbed the sauce with my teeth and tried to tear the corner.
Well this sauce was being a little bit of a pain so I readjusted my bite on the edge and pulled it quickly. Because of this the fire sauce opened very quickly and shot fire sauce up into my nose. I stop for a second trying to realize what had just happened and thats when burning kicked in.
My nose was now burning with the heat of a thousands suns and I had no possible way to stop it. I ran to the TacoBell bathroom and instantly tried blowing the liquid fire out of my nose. NOTHING helped and I felt like the pain was never going to end. After about 10 mins of intense pain and my nose running like a river, the pain finally subsided.
I am now sitting here at work with a nose that is red as a stoplight and the constant taste of TacoBell sauce in the back of my throat. Never again will I try to open a sauce packet with my mouth. EVER
TL;DR: Inhaled Fire TacoBell sauce
shroomigator: Taco Bell fire sauce is so weak I use it as ointment for paper cuts.
PIRATEghost85: I masturbate with it
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1406653154 | 1406666151 | t3_2c22ok | t5_2to41 | 22 | badu201: TIFU by giving my girlfriend a napkin to wipe herself
My girlfriend came to visit me at work where I do construction. There is no toilet paper there, so I have to bring my own in my backpack. My girlfriend had to pee and needed toilet paper to wipe herself when she is done. I didnt have toilet paper, but I did have napkins in my pocket from breakfast...I gave them without realizing that the hotsauce from my breakfast sandwhich soaked into the napkin. My girlfriend asked why her vagina fees like its burning and thats when I realized I fucked up.
Darkenshade: You hotboxed your lady friend...
herpderp1132: omg so if he eats her out would it taste like hot sauce?
OP please!
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1406657228 | 1406681785 | t3_2c2ag0 | t5_2to41 | 84 | gogetaashame: TIFU by leaving a bottle unattended [NSFW]
For context, when I travel, I tend to get quite constipated and often leads to me buying some laxatives at the local pharmacy.
So this morning, having not shat for 3 days, I decided to stroll down to the pharmacy this morning to get some laxatives, everything was good. While I was there, I also bought a large 1.5L bottle of water to mix it with. (BTW, this was a 30 day dose since I am traveling for a month and it is the type you take before bowel surgery...)
I buy the laxatives and walk back down the street. I was quite desperate to shit. I see a public toilet just about 2 blocks down the street and decide to go there because my hotel was pretty far.
I open the bottle of water, pour the whole bottle of laxatives into the water bottle, and proceed to drink about the equivalent of 3 doses (it works within 5 minutes for me). This allowed me to shit immediately without any worries. I walked out of the stall 10 minutes later feeling A LOT of relief, but all that was about to change.
As I walk out of the toilet, I realize that my large bottle of water was gone, I was a bit distraught, but thought that of nothing at the time. I then take a turn only to see this homeless person gulping down my 30 day laxative water. At this moment, I was like, "OH SHIT", but it was too late, he had drank all of it. I tried to tell him that it was laxatives and he should go to the toilets immediately to stop further damage, but he could not speak English.
At this point, I was panicking, yelling at him, but he probably thought I was yelling at him for stealing my water and started to yell back in a language I can't understand. I probably yelled at him for a good 10 minutes trying to get him to understand. So there we were, standing in the middle of a quite busy street yelling at each other in different languages when suddenly... his stomach burst and exploded. His pants were completely soaked in brown liquid and he was rushing to the toilet screaming, while leaving a brown liquid trail. At this point, since I was quite close to him, I also got shit stains on myself.
I was disgusted by the shit that was on my shirt and shoes so I ran back to the hotel as soon as possible. I don't know what happened to the hobo though...
TL;DR - Accidentally caused a brown trail on a busy street (sorry street sweepers)
[deleted]: Comments have already pointed out that this story is simply untrue, but how has nobody commented on the fact that this guy says he's constipated every time he travels...why would that be? Why would you assume this isn't a severe problem of some kind (it is). Also, how the fuck would shit go *through* pants and onto your shirt. Seriously.
Idlelibrarian: A lot of people get constipated when they travel. I don't know why but it is pretty common.
[deleted]: You left my shit through the pants, over the shoulder, and onto a shirt mystery entirely unsolved.
| 4 | 21 | |
1406647409 | 1406670324 | t3_2c1sc0 | t5_2to41 | 14 | duke1102: TIFU by draining my waterbed
So, this is my first fuck up I'm posting here..
Literally happened like half an hour ago.
I have a waterbed, which I want to sell, because I want to get a normal bed again. (Nothing against waterbeds, they are great for sleeping.)
I also kinda want to renovate my room soon, so dismantling it would be needed. Since I'm broke, I done it myself instead of calling the waterbed shop to send someone to do it for me.
We have a nice garden pump in our backyard which I snagged for that purpose. Long story short, after a bit of tinkering I put hoses on it using Gardena Hoseadapters, which always worked nice in the garden.
Hooked up the pump to the bed and let it go. All worked out nicely. But then suddenly... the hose that transports the water outside decides to be a total jerk and just slips out of the Gardena adapter.
It looked like a water fountain. Instead of being on a pond, it was in the middle of my room. Panic mode set in, which left me standing there for like 1-2 seconds before I reacted to shut off the pump.
I was soaked wet, some of the carpet too. It even went onto some furniture and up to the ceiling. Needless to say, I was standing next to the pump, guarding that hose for the rest of the time.
I'm done with waterbeds for now. Haha.
TL;DR tried to drain my waterbed with a garden pump, hose wasn't properly attached, had a water fountain in my room, water got up to the ceiling and me soaked.
I_am_anonymous: If you had a video, you could enter it in America's Funniest Home Videos (well other than the fact that it no longer runs).
LaDarkPhoenix: "Hmm, I want to drain my waterbed today, how about I get my cellphone/camera and FILM THE WHOLE THING FOR THE LOLZ! "
I_am_anonymous: The way I see it, his little project has two possible outcomes: genius or disaster. Either way, you want it on film. If you get the genius outcome, you can post it to youtube: "The smart way to empty a waterbed."
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1406660029 | 1406675085 | t3_2c2fwk | t5_2to41 | 26 | Jazzedinmypants: TIFU by throwing my phone at someone while they were on the treadmill
This happened about a week ago. I was on the treadmill and already upset that I was stuck with the discomfort of wearing a shitty bra since I forgot my sportsbra. I had been listening to Pandora and for some reason the stations I had seemed to keep playing songs that I didn't like. Finally I decided to just listen to the music I already had stored on my iPhone. By this time I felt like dying - I was pissed and needed some good songs to help push me through the rest of it. The screen wasn't responding well to my taps and kept opening up the wrong apps. So I tried to snatch up my phone, but ended up violently grabbing my headphones instead, which swung the iPhone off of that little shelf on the treadmill, onto the treadmill track of the person who was running beside me. They shouted "what the fuck" and nearly fell off trying to avoid my phone. I hit the stop button, retrieved my phone, and decided to end my workout early.
TL;DR : I accidentally threw my phone onto the treadmill next to me and almost tripped up the person jogging on it
GahWtf1336: You shouldn't have an I phone that is your first fuck up.
i_pk_pjers_i: Hey now, I have an Android phone but you shouldn't talk down to iPhone users like that. I respect peoples decisions to buy Apple products, and I used to do that too and I can see why they do it. Apple products are good for some people, but they just aren't for me.
NeoMegamanX: I've used Android for a while and I prefer it due to all the customization and how rooting opens so much possibilities to it.
I have however played around with my boss's iPhones and sometimes I envy how stable their system is.
i_pk_pjers_i: My S5 is perfectly stable and has been for a very, very long time. Android is perfectly stable as long as you don't root, and with the newer versions of Android, you really don't need to root anymore.
Both Android and iOS are perfectly stable and usable imo. :)
NeoMegamanX: Oh neat :) I'm still stuck with an old S2 and have been jumping between ROMs.
| 6 | 4.333333 | |
1406660386 | 1406666736 | t3_2c2gkd | t5_2to41 | 9 | booker_dwight: TIFU By Cleaning Out A Garage
So my parents and I had just moved into a new house. From what we were told about the house, the people before us were total slobs. Trash on the front lawn, yard was never mowed etc. It was a nice house and I couldn't see how they could keep it so disgusting. Well, after we had unpacked my dad told me he wanted me to empty out the garage. My young imagination conjured all sorts of foul, vomit inducing garbage that these people must have left. As I slowly opened the garage door, I was relieved to only find a old dog house and some large containers of used oil. (No idea why they left that but what the hell). After I unwillingly moved the discarded refuse, I noticed that there was a small attic like door above the garage. I know I should have remembered every scary movie plot and have let it be, but my curiosity got the better of me and I opened it to see inside. All that was inside was a badly stained mattress that was resting on some old boxes. I then lowered myself down the ladder and pulled the mattress closer. As I stepped down and I lifted the mattress above me, that's when disaster struck. Suddenly thousands of rat droppings and dead rat carcasses cascaded down like a curtain of nightmare inducing party favors. The fun didn't stop there as I was wearing a loose fitting tank top due to the hot weather. Next thing I knew, there were rat skeletons and rat poop running down my shirt, in my face, and in my hair. I screamed louder than any human male was capable of. I thrust off my shirt and sprinted straight to the nearest shower. I sat silently crying to myself for about a hour and a half while I watched rat poop swirl around the drain. Later my parents asked me what happened and I lied and said that I stubbed my toe. To this day they still do not know how their son was traumatized by dead rats. That day will live in infamy for the rest of my existence.
GivesAdvice: You should buy an owl. Owls like to eat rats.
booker_dwight: Thankfully we set up traps around the garage and house. My parents knew about the rats but the didn't learn about my...incident.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406657986 | 1406664270 | t3_2c2bzv | t5_2to41 | 3 | junkshot9112: TIFU by letting someone borrow something precious to me.
It may sound silly, but it was my own fault. In January 2014, I let a friend and her boyfriend borrow something that I will be unable to use until December 2014 (due to legal circumstances). I found out today that the boyfriend gave said item to his younger brother as an 18th birthday present. When I confronted them, I was told, "We thought you gave that to us. Sorry. We've had it for so long we figured you didn't want it." I was upset, and a little angry. After some thought, though, I decided to tell my friend, "Just let him have it. Everyone deserves something nice for their 18th birthday, right?" I feel like I did the right thing, but also feel taken advantage of. I'm still upset, but learned an important lesson.
When you let someone borrow something, it is a gift, unless you get it back.
Still feel like TIFU though.
pallydanny: So ill be the one to ask..... what was it?
junkshot9112: /r/trees would know
| 3 | 1 | |
1406661709 | 1406688275 | t3_2c2j1a | t5_2to41 | 2,752 | [deleted]: TIFU By Peeing on My Fuck Buddy
This happened a little over an hour and a half ago.
Ever since my girlfriend and I broke up I've been having sex with this girl who lives 3 or so miles away. We started hooking up when my friend introduced me to her emphasizing the fact that 'she fucks'. And lordy lordy does she fuck. I've had her over a few times before and we have yet to run into anything besides the occasional fart-noise (why does that happen?) and bucket loads of sweat, but not this time.
I've always had this thing where I have to pee a little while into my masturbation session which usually results in me taking a time out to handle my business, this has never been an issue in my sex life as I just never had to pee. Today, we were doing doggy style since I can go very fast and finish in that position. I felt the pee in my bladder but it was a very small urge so I disregarded it. I felt myself approaching the finish so I turned on warp speed. I was feeling good, she was moaning, and I felt Alpha as fuck. I pull out, rip off the condom, and blow all over her back - and then I pissed. It wasn't a lot, probably half a cups worth, but more than I wanted. I got jizz and piss all over her back and all she said was "That was a big fucking load".
THAT WAS A BIG FUCKING LOAD. She didn't even notice the piss. We showered immediately after because the sweat (yeah fucking right) and we went on like nothing happened. She'll always remember it as the time I came a truck load, but we will always know, I pissed on her back. Secret Golden Shower^TM
Edit: I semened, then I pissed. I did not do both at the same time, I have not unlocked that skill yet.
Edit 2: To be completely honest, I'm a little upset that I got my first gold for pissing on some chick.
Edit 3: OP CAN piss while hard. I've been able to do it since I was a wee lad.
SHUMAGORATH7: *hands you a beer
DariusRichardson: tfw I am too young to drink beer.
SHUMAGORATH7: *walks away
khfreek: **shuffles slowly away
DariusRichardson: [Truffle Shuffles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5whaRkuipU)
SHUMAGORATH7: *walks back.... Gives you a PG rated hi five
looking4meatholes: *slowly claps
SHUMAGORATH7: you're not in this brah
ohlaph: We are.
SHUMAGORATH7: Did you bring the stuff?
ohlaph: Just like you asked. Just the way you like it.
SHUMAGORATH7: *begins eating tacos
| 13 | 211.692308 | |
1406650604 | 1406757495 | t3_2c1xza | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU Going down on a girl (NSFW)
So, this was about a year ago, but I only found TIFU recently so I thought it would belong here.
So I was working as a lifeguard last summer, and one day my ex decided to surprise me there. Now its a private pool, so I was working alone and eventually went on break. With last year's heat wave we decided to go inside, near the filters and pumps. I had been feeling really tired and just sucky for a few days, so it was nice to see her and she had brought lunch! :D After eating we eventually started making out because we are never left alone and for once we were truly alone; only I had the key to the filter rooms. Eventually clothes come off, and I decided to go down on her. Now I start not feeling so great, and its just a wave of exhaustion that hits me, after doing some physical activity. Turns out, I lost my boner while doing this, and before I even notice, she does. She takes it as she's ugly and can't turn me on (Even though she had many times at that point) and decides to stop everything and is on the verge of crying. She says that she's taking a break from sexy time and her self-image is totally ruined. Now I feel like crap, and don't even argue with her other than to say I think she's beautiful and I don't know what happened. The rest of the day awkwardly goes past, with her moping at the pool and me trying to cheer her up whenever I get the chance, yet still feeling like I've been hit by a truck.
A couple days later I went to the doctor, turns out I had gotten Mono. I had literally gotten too tired to move and was bedbound for about 2 weeks. Thank god I can laugh about this experience now, but at the time I thought there was something wrong with me, plus my ex was having some kind of self-esteem issue because of it.
TL;DR I was having sexy time, lost my boner, turns out I had Mono.
bedroom_strobes: And now she probably will get what you have.
OblivionCv3: Actually it turns out she probably gave me mono :/ Also once you've had it once it tends to be almost impossible to get again, kinda like chicken pox.
bedroom_strobes: Oh shit, that sucks
| 4 | 3 | |
1406661872 | 1406668790 | t3_2c2jda | t5_2to41 | 116 | baconborn: TIFU by trying to save my brother from certain doom
Didn't happen today, or recently for that matter, but I did somehow get randomly reminded of it today.
So a few years back when me and my brother were both young we were sleeping when i was awoken by him climbing off the top bunk. Wondering why he was up a what-the-fuck-time-is-it thiry, I ask him what he's doing? "Just getting water" he tells me, so I'm like ok and roll back over.
That's when it begins. First is was quiet; a repetitive thud. "What is that?" I wonder, no big deal though, but it starts getting louder and then the moaning. "Oh great" I think to myself. Unfortunately, I had actually already walked in on my parents before, was thoroughly horrified, and learned my lesson. So I was like eww, and tried to ignore it. It was then that I realized that my brother had not come back from getting water yet. My brother is 7 years younger than me and at that time, had never encountered the evil that was happening accross the hall, so being that good brother I try to be, I go looking for him to ensure he doesn't suffer the mental trauma that I did. I go in the kitchen, and he isn't there... Maybe he had to stop for a pee? I gently knock on the door, no answer... Where the heck could he b- oh no...
As I quietly creep back down the hall, I noticed my parents bedroom door was open... open enough for a small child to slip in? Facing my fears and disgust, i lay on the ground and poke my head in. Peering through the darkness and tangible stank, I see my brother sitting on the ground watching, no doubt paralyzed by sheer horror. I have to rescue him! I take in a deep breath and low crawl towards my brother, slowly but surely, finally reaching him. I tug on his arm and signal for us to get out of this nightmare and emphasize my intent with a extremely hushed "let's go." Apparently, my dad has super hearing while stickin it to my mom because he instantly heard me and without missing a beat is like "BACONBORN, GTFO!" So ya, I scramble to the door, and my dad quickly adds,"CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN YOU LEAVE!" (Note: I was the only one who had any idea my brother was in there) It breaks my heart, but I had no choice. As I leave, my brother still sat there looking toward me with that "don't leave me in here look," as I close the door, effectivley locking him in there...
The next day, he did not speak one word...
**TL;DR:** Tried to keep my bro from seeing my parents bang, ended up locking him in a roomwhere my parents are banging.
EDIT - because I forgot how to spacebar
herpderp1132: xD my sides hahahaha
what happened to your brother? did your parents find him after the deed was done, the next morning, did he ninja out of there?
baconborn: He told me that he sat there unmoving partially out of shock and partially because he didn't want my dad to yell at him too, and snuck out after they fell asleep.
herpderp1132: OMG xD he has to be mortified hopefully he doesnt remember it anymore
| 4 | 29 | |
1406659935 | 1406739490 | t3_2c2fpp | t5_2to41 | 45 | The_Naverick: tifu by shaving in the bathroom at work
Okay so this actually didnt happen today, but yesterday.
I'm Indian, and naturally that comes with a lot of hair, both on my head and my other head. Anyways I noticed that my beard was getting really hairy because I hadn't shaved in the past few days, but I was already late for work so I threw my razor and shaving cream into my backpack and drove to work. I sort of have OCD so I was dying to get rid of all my facial hair. As soon as lunch came by I immediately ran into the bathroom to get rid of the forest growing on my face. After finishing my beard and washing my face, I remembered I hadn't shaved my pubes in a long time…you know where this is heading.
Naturally I went into the stall with a razor and shaving cream. As I'm shaving my pubes I accidentally cut myself. It burned like a bitch and I screamed, thinking I was all alone in the bathroom. As I finish up with my balls still bleeding, I wrapped my nuts in toilet paper and walked out, I see my professor just standing there asking if I was okay. Suddenly, the bloody tissues dropped from under my shorts and my professor just stared at me….
I'm hiding my face at work right now, and I haven't talked to him since
TL:DR; TIFU by shaving my nuts and menstruating in front of my professor. FML.
LightningKillua: More than likely your professor thinks you have some sort of a Kidney stone or a really bad STD/STI.
All in all, nothing to be worried about... since it's none of his business. If word somehow gets out, just sue his ass.
Voyager5555: Yes, sue him, that makes perfect sense.
Jouth: No, he said to sue his ASS. Are you daft?
Voyager5555: Nah, just a Punk.
| 5 | 9 | |
1406663794 | 1406926028 | t3_2c2n1y | t5_2to41 | 6 | thisismythroawaway: TIFU by remembering when I humped my cousin (NFSW)
OK, so I was around 8-9 when I saw a porn video on accident. I didn't know what I saw but I saw how they were humping. So when I was a kid I grabbed my girl cousin and started humping her with our clothes ON. I didnt know what I was doing but it felt good and she said it felt good. We were both little kids just messing around. Then I grew older and realized what the fuck I was doing so I stopped immediately. Then just last week my mom said "(my cousin) isn't allowed to sleepover because her mom thinks I molested her daughter" I don't know what to say because I was just an 8 year old kid, and now I'm 18. Now I cant stop thinking about it. What do I do? Please dont think of me as a molester, I was just a small kid who didnt understand what was going on.
edit: happened three times. stopped when I was 9. At around 12-13yrs old I understood that what I did when I was 8 and 9 was incredibly wrong. I felt disgusted by myself
ii_misfit_o: u child rapist!
im gonna find your IP and report you!
all men are rapists!
/s
Skultis: what a lame attempt at trolling. Not even a good attempt at failure.
ii_misfit_o: do u not understand what /s means? fucking idiot...
Skultis: well, i originally apologized, and now that I see you cussing for no reason, you're just pathetically trying to backtrack on an obviously pathetic post. You really did fail as hard as I originally suggested.
ii_misfit_o: you apologized 20 minutes ago to someone elses' reply, you are a fucking dumb cunt and i hoped u get raped in a bush
Skultis: It wouldn't be rape since your mom asked so nicely. ;) Also, I did apologize, because someone besides yourself had the wit to reply coherently. Unlike you, who just needed to tell everyone you are insecure because of your tiny johnson. I know this, because your mom was nice enough to show me your pictures after she gave me sweet, sweet loving. Your mother is an amazing woman. But even an amazing woman can make mistakes, the biggest of which was obviously you. (and that's how you insult someone, yours was a joke.)
ii_misfit_o: >i hoped u get raped
cant even read or understand basic English now?
rekt
Skultis: and seriously, congratulating yourself on a misspelled insult that failed? do you even know how to converse in the english language? i will pick up a dictionary, if only to smack you with it to shut you up.
ii_misfit_o: lol
rekt
Skultis: yes, you were "rekt" by me. Quit whining about losing this conversation and go learn to speak properly. or forget how to speak, the world would be a smarter place without your attempts at speaking.
ii_misfit_o: rekt like your mothers gaping asshole....
Skultis: And then you go and try and copy my insults? Damn, you really are pathetic at this. I feel like I'm arguing with a child, one that nobody loved and is acting out. I just want to wrap you into a blanket and tell you everything is all right. It's ok, little buddy. Just because nobody loved you, and nobody loves you, they will someday. stay strong my mentally deficient amigo. I now realize that you are incapable of stable emotions and/or coherent thought. My apologies for overwhelming you with reasoning and/or competent english skills. I never meant to beat up a "slow" person.
| 13 | 0.461538 | |
1406663087 | 1406666161 | t3_2c2lph | t5_2to41 | 0 | lolitskayla: TIFU by eating leftover ham
Not actually today but the day, before today. I live in utah where it has been hot and raining. I was at work on a lunch break and went into our lunch room that is more like a fridge and tables and a TV. Two days ago I put two corn dogs of hawaii pineapple and ham flavor in the fridge in tin foil. When I opened the fridge and took out my corn dogs (favorite food), it was just plain and no toppings. I thought I might have taken the wrong corn dogs but my initials were still scratched into the crust (I do this incase I ever leave them my corndog snacks at the shop, I know the manager well). Thinking the ham and pineapple slices were eaten by one of my male counterparts (some are fat so its expected) I took someone else's ham and cut it up for my corn dog.
While I'm in the lunchroom playing on my phone and eating my snack, my boss walks in and stops. I freak out and put my clothes back on and appologize and run out to my car. I sat there crying for half an hour when it started to rain. I didn't want to get wet so I headed back into the office to get my last corn dog. The second I open the door to the office the receptionist, tells me "holy shit kayla your eating my corndog". I ran back out to my car and drove home. I was crying the whole way because I realized I really had taken the wrong dog and that we both have the same initials. by the time i was on the freeway it was raining really hard. I wipped my eyes and realized it was just my tears. I cried so much my tears made me cold so I went home and snuggled up on the couch with a book. My boyfriend came home and said "Kayla what are you doing you chicken-pot-pie-ass-bitch?" I put the corn dog back down and got dressed and went into my room and cryed into my pillow. He said he forgives me but I am afraid to approach him. His whole family knows now and they wont talk to me. TIFU
edit:a word
Second edit: **due to controversiality and PM's I have provided some proof**: [right here](http://i.imgur.com/4oIKTSY.jpg)
KagedKS: I have so many questions
lolitskayla: AMA
| 3 | 0 | |
1406664064 | 1406755292 | t3_2c2nko | t5_2to41 | 177 | [deleted]: TIFU I allowed my wife to ...
... fly to Greece, to an unknown guy. She met him a couple of weeks ago in an online game. We're a marriage for 7 years, and we've spent all our previous summer vacations together
UPDATE:
They started to play a lot together; chatting about various things. One day she asked him if she could visit him in his country. Later she mentions something he wants to tell me, but is afraid to tell right away. And after a few days of pressing her, I'm discovering what she wants.
UPDATE 2:
Some more facts:
- She is flying on 08-05 (or 5th August) to Athens
- this guy lives with his mother, and is an ex-soldier
wormspeaker: This certainly couldn't have been the first sign that your marriage was over.
[deleted]: And it wasn't the first sign
[deleted]: What was the first sign sir?
[deleted]: It was a lot of small signs, for a longer time period
[deleted]: Why didn't you just go with her..?
[deleted]: Because my wife wanted to spend this vacations alone, she said she is tired (of playing on arenas in this game for several hours, every day) and decided to go there by herself.
Communication wasn't her strongest feature
[deleted]: Gotcha. Sorry to hear that, man.
| 8 | 22.125 | |
1406664703 | 1406670607 | t3_2c2otx | t5_2to41 | 31 | whysotasty: TIFU by not cutting my fingernails [NSFW]
Had to make a throwaway for this one because reddit needs to know.
This was last Monday. The boyfriend and I were engaging in some bed room activity. I could tell he was about to finish and I was quite there yet so while in missionary I decided to reach down and... help myself out a little bit.
I bet you can see where this is going.
So he accidentally slips out when one of us adjusts and his dick hits my hand while its down there. Thinking nothing of it we keep going, finish, all is fine and dandy. He pulled out to clean up etc and says 'uh i think the condom broke.' Lovely, I'm on birth control but he's never finished inside of me. Next he says 'and I think you're bleeding'.
Then it hits me. I tell him it may not be me that's bleeding. Sure enough, when he hit my hand when he slipped out my fingernail sliced the condom open and he has an inch long slice on the HEAD of his dick and another small cut on the shaft. His dick is dripping blood and I am wiping bloody semen out of my vagina.
A week later he still has a scab.
IM_A_BIG_FAT_GHOST: Bloody sliced dick, and bloody semen dripping vagina. Let's see how Reddit tackles this one, Bob...
rob_var: I.......I got nothing
IM_A_BIG_FAT_GHOST: Nothin?! Well I'll be a bloody spermatozoa in a bloody dick cunt!
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1406666640 | 1406669297 | t3_2c2sls | t5_2to41 | 6 | murbat: TIFU practice guitar
For the last few days I have been in the process of moving to a new apartment and my room did not have furniture except for my mattress.
This afternoon I thought it would be nice to take a quick break from packing and grab a beer and practice some guitar. Realizing quickly my chairs are still packed, I decide it would be a good idea to practice on the ground cross-legged.
After about an hour of practice and the beer settled in, I feel a little some rumbling and realize it's time to run across the way to break in the toilet. I put my guitar down and slowly stand up...
Numbness and a tickling sensation hit my legs from sitting cross-legged for so long and I am frozen in my half-standing, half-sitting position. The numbness seems to creep even further up my legs and my body feels frozen.
I lose the sense of my upper thighs and it hits... I can't control my bowels. I end up pooping all over myself and my mattress, unable to make it to the toilet. I end up falling on my mattress and letting the numbness subside for a few minutes until I can get up and run to the shower. Did I mention I was wearing shorts? Great, now I have a poop trail from my room to toilet to clean up. My mattress has a big brown stain and I think I might just trash it now.
tl;dr: anal rape by guitar.
antonioRN: Today you sleep on the ground.
murbat: Today I sleep alone.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406666193 | 1406671481 | t3_2c2ron | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by assuming that my friend was joking
Warning: This might get long. I assure you it's worth the read. Also, this happened yesterday, but I didn't think to post until today.
So I've had feelings for this girl, let's call her Lucy, for a couple of months. We're decent friends, but I haven't acted on those feelings, both because I'm in a weird spot employment/money-wise, so it would be silly to try to start something right now, and because we'd actually done a sort of breakfast date a few days earlier, and it was clear she wasn't feeling it.
Well, we have a mutual friend -- we'll call him Bob -- who recently took a job in another state and now lives about 1,000 miles away, but is a huge texter, so we keep in touch all the time. Well yesterday, he decides that he doesn't like anyone in his new town, and he wants me to help him get laid. He mentions a girl that he'd seen on my FB chat once when he was at my place, and he thinks she's pretty much the hottest woman he's ever seen. This girl and I aren't particularly close, but I happened to hear that she'd just gotten out of a relationship, so I mentioned this to my friend.
This girl lives in a third, completely out-of-the-way state, and there is no way I could realistically actually set these two up (and I assumed he knew this), so when he responds with, "Duuuuuude, you have to set me up. I don't care what you tell her. Tell her I'll drive there, buy her dinner and drive back that night. Whatever," I played it off as a joke and said "Ha, OK, sure." He kept pressing. So I finally responded with what I thought was an equally absurd scenario, "Tell you what. You figure out how to get me a night with Lucy, and I'll get you a date with this girl." He says, "Deal. You better follow through." I say, "haha whatever."
Fast forward a couple hours and I've forgotten about the convo, when Lucy texts me out of the blue. "Bob says we should hang out this weekend. Does Friday or Saturday work?" Thinking Bob had told her he was coming to visit but hadn't told me yet, I just say "Sure, we haven't seen him in forever." She responds with "Wait, Bob's gonna be in town?"
And then it hit me. He must've actually texted Lucy. So I call him, confront him, and he says, "Yeah, I told her she had to go on a date with you. I said it was gonna get me laid, so she agreed." So what's basically happened at this point is that the girl I like has agreed to go on a date with me as an exchange of services rendered. He bought me a date with her. So I'm feeling both like I wanna hate him and like I wanna just laugh, but now she's apparently confused, because she's stopped responding to me and starts asking him if he actually is coming into town. Meanwhile, I'm trying to explain to him that I was joking and there's no way I could get him a date with his girl, so finally he says "OK OK, let me call Lucy and I'll explain this to her."
So he hangs up with me and calls back about 20 minutes later. "Alright, change of plans. We're gonna double date." Alright, now I'm just annoyed. Who is this dense?! "What do you mean a double date?" "I mean, you and Lucy are gonna go with me and (other girl) to dinner one night." At this point, I snap. "Bob, you've gotta be kidding me. She lives 800 miles away. I just checked her FB page, and she's in a new relationship. I told you, this is not actually gonna happen." All he says is, "Oh well, another one bites the dust. You better call Lucy and set up your date then." And hangs up.
After thinking about it for a few minutes, I decide the only way this is gonna be fixed now is if I actually call Lucy and explain to her. So I call her up, and explain the story. By the end, I'm pretty sure she was actually rolling on the floor with laughter, which I guess was a good sign. When I finished, we talked about it for a minute, and I finally said, "Well, since Bob went ahead and threw it out in the open, if you'd be OK with it, I'd still like to take you out this weekend." And she says, "This is gonna sound mean, and I feel horrible for saying it, but if you wanna go as friends, I will, but I'm in a weird place right now, and I'm not looking for a relationship." Bam. Door slammed. Like I knew it would. So I say OK, we chat a little bit more, then get off the phone.
It's been a day and a half now, and before this all happened, she was actually supposed to pick something up for me in the city she was visiting and to call me and let me know when she had it. She never called, nor has she responded to my text about it. So now I'm stuck here wondering just how awkward she feels and whether she's ever actually gonna respond again. I don't know how serious this TIFU will wind up being, but I definitely screwed up by assuming this guy understood a joke.
kiba9: sounds like she as a thing for "bob".
rob_var: women logic
but on another note you said this would be worth it OP you lied. Now I know why Lucy hates you. You like to shatter people's hopes
| 3 | 3 | |
1406670147 | 1406729010 | t3_2c2yzd | t5_2to41 | 537 | Gen4200: TIFU by letting my daughter "cut off" my arm with her Lightsaber
My daughter just turned two, she is at that muppet face stage where even the most innocent of things can generate the saddest frown you've ever seen. Several months ago I went to a conference and scored this LED lightsaber, perfect for a then 20 month old. She still loves it, she teases my deaf cat with it and they have mock battles. My daughter giggles a lot, the cat bats it away, fun ensues. Then I entered the picture, while she is playing with the cat I sit down on my knees to watch and participate, she giggles and turns towards me. She does a big sweeping motion with the lightsaber right into my shoulder, I gasp "Oh my arm!" and tuck my arm behind my back. As soon as this happens I know I've fucked up. She drops the lightsaber goes super frowny and begins to cry I spend the next 5 minutes trying not to laugh and the next 20 trying to convince her my arm is OK, she didn't hurt daddy and that it was all pretend. The Lightsaber has sat idle since the incident and my cat is bored.
TL;DNR - I faked a lightsaber injury and scarred my 2yr old daughter for life
Breathcancer: Did you actually just say... 20 month old..?
mealymouthmongolian: In the first few years of a child's life development happens constantly and rapidly. This is why parents refer to their childrens' ages in months up to and sometimes beyond 2 years. Since they change so much so quickly it's much easier to grasp how far along the child is when their age is stated thusly. There is quite a difference between a one year old (12 months) and a one year old (18 months.)
Breathcancer: Oh, well, today I learned.
Iamaredditlady: Today you learned about something incredibly annoying that parents do.
"My son is 38 months old."
TYYK04: My daughter Ashley just turned 441 months old, she just learned how to peg. She's growing up so fast
rrjamal: I'm 262 months old! I thought pegging was a weird sexual thing. You're proud of that?
| 7 | 76.714286 | |
1406667761 | 1406670874 | t3_2c2ukh | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing on both mine and my girlfriends clothes
My girlfriend and I were working in Cyprus and we took a moped we had on loan out for a ride along the beach just before midnight. We came across this huge mansion that had a massive heated swimming pool. The pool at our apartment complex is always freezing cold no matter how hot it was outside, so we decide to take advantage of our new discovery and give swimming like rich people a go. We turn the bike off, sneak up to the edge of the pool, strip each other down, got in the pool and started to make sweet, sweet love.
She was being really loud and we were pretty into it so neither of us saw the lights in the house turn on. After we were done we heard people shouting in the house. I couldn't hear what they were arguing about but I'm pretty sure the wife was shouting at the husband to go outside and stop us before I release my baby making mix into their swimming water.
We both got out the pool ready to go home, but it was so dark we couldn't find our clothes anywhere. We ran round frantically naked and cold trying to look, getting covered in sand and my penis swinging in the ocean breeze. I needed to pee, so I found a spot started draining the main vein near a bush, I was peeing for about 10 seconds when I finally realised that peeing on grass sounds very different to what I was hearing. I took a closer look and my worst fears were confirmed; I'd just pee'd all over our clothes and phones... "Ummmmmmm, E? I found our clothes...". She comes over, looks up and me as a massive smirk begins to crawl across her face, we both burst out laughing as she's trying to call me a retard in between giggles.
My underwear and jacket were still dry, and my girlfriends jeans were dry too, so she put on her jeans and my jacket and I put on my boxers. We left the rest of the pissed covered clothes there.
The ride back was VERY cold and the mopeds headlight cut out half way home, so we had to drive the rest of the way with my girlfriend holding my iPhone light up in front of us to see anything, all while freezing, 90% naked and still wet. When we got back to our apartment everyone from work was still drinking in the lobby and a lot of questions ensued until we went to bed. Those shorts were my best shorts as well :(
Skinningrizz: Okay, so while you were running away from the rich people coming to yell at you for breaking into and having sex in their pool, you decided to stop and pee in their bushes?
JackTurkeyDinosaur: We weren't in that much of a hurry, I figured we couldn't go anywhere until we found our clothes and taking a few seconds to pee wasn't going to hurt anyone.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406669958 | 1406736190 | t3_2c2yn8 | t5_2to41 | 15 | enzlow: TIFU by slapping my penis after it was bit by a mosquito.
Earlier today, I decided to take my German shepherd out for a long walk through the forest to a small river she likes to play in. Once we arrive at the river, nature calls and I decide to urinate on the river bank. Because no one was around, I drop my pants to my ankles (like my 3 year old nephew) and pee with no hand support. While I am relieving myself, I am looking at the beautiful scenery, listening to the birds sing, and overall not paying attention to what is going on in my crotch area. Then all of the sudden, I experience what feels like a pin prick or a tiny pinch on the tip of my penis... Out of pure instinct, I surmise that my penis is being savagely attacked by a swarm of flesh-eating insects, so I whip my hand around and slap my dick... and I mean HARD. As in hard enough to cause blunt force trauma to not only my shaft, but also my testicles. It ended up being just one small mosquito. So now I'm sitting here with tender testicles and a sore penis that itches furiously. The worse part is, is that I tend to react badly to mosquito bites, so I probably won't be using my penis for anything other than urinating for a few days.
TL;DR- Whilst urinating by a river, my penis was bit by a mosquito and my instinctual response was slapping my penis with much vigor.
RedSniper117: Lost my shit at work
TotallyNotKanye: Same
| 3 | 5 | |
1406669594 | 1406671879 | t3_2c2y10 | t5_2to41 | 20 | ScottPilgrimVsUrMom: TIFU by forgetting about yesterdays underwear in my jeans.
So last night I had gone to a gig that ended at about 11:30pm, and I had woken up early that morning so I was exhausted by the time I got home. As soon as I got home, I went into bed and undressed as quickly as I could so I could be in bed and asleep ASAP.
Anyhow, the next morning my parents dragged me out to some furniture shop. I put on a fresh pair of underwear but wore the same jeans and went out. Turns out, I took off my jeans and underwear at once the night before but forgot to remove them from inside my jeans. I put the jeans on without realising and they slowly, somehow unnoticeably managed to manoeuvre their way down the side of my leg. Unfortunately I only noticed them as soon as they fell out. Alongside the friendly shop assistant that my parents were talking to. My whole family, and the shop assistant, all turned to stare at me. It took me a second too late to click what had just fallen out of my pants and I quickly picked them up and shoved them in my pocket, gone a shade of bright red. Smooth, as always.
Taroso: I would've taken a bow, followed by "And for my next trick, ..."
Teotwawki69: (Winks at shop assistant.) "Let's see if I can make yours do the same thing..."
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1406667987 | 1406992225 | t3_2c2uz4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | emayess: TIFU: My Undeserved 2nd Chance Interview
I've been out of work for about 4 months in Denver, as an marketing automation/Eloqua specialist. Interviews have been slow, but as expected, and I haven't gotten an offer yet so the stress is starting to build. Having had multiple opportunities fall through is starting to get to me, impacting my confidance in general as well as in my professional capacity. I bought a house a year ago and my g/f can only work part time due to a back injury, and unemployment doesn't cut it, so I need a job pretty badly, but am trying to hold out for one in my field.
Last week, I interviewed with three different people at a prospective employer for a job I am very interested in. All interviews were over the phone, so while I felt they went well, I know that I do better in person, when I can see faces, read body language, etc. At the end of the final interview, I learned that was the extent of their interview process and I should be hearing back soon. I was optimistic despite previous let downs.
At the end of the week, I got a call back from the HR person who was staffing the position. She said that everyone felt I had the right background and technical skills, but that I had failed to come off as confidant and knowledgable, which was important as the role is a puesdo-consultant role. She then really broke it down, "you know your stuff, but don't come off as such, which will make customers question you and us." It was helpful, but feedback I've recieved my entire career.
I've always been a "fast talker" and I've always prefered to let my work speak for itself. I get annoyed when people talk too slowly for me and I loose interest since I can think of other things during their pauses. I can force myself to talk more slowly, but it's unnatural and hard to maintain, plus I feel like I am speaking like Capain Kirk on Star Trek.
The HR person, continued that despite all this, the management team has decided to give me a 2nd chance to redeem myself and wanted to have me give a presentation over webconfrence, just as I would be doing with customers if I got the job. She was very clear that this was outside their normal process, and I felt very fortunate.
Pressure is on. Car broke down, getting to in-person interviews will be tough, medical bills from g/f are piling up too. Now I need to overcome one of my biggest negatives of my professional career. Great...
I was given a simple scenario to build the presenation around, and told I would have 20 minutes to present. Presentation was built no problem. I know my stuff. I practice it on my own, at my regular pace - 12 minutes. Great! If I slow down it should be just about right, leaving just enough time for questions. I'll be able to watch the clock on the computer for pacing too.
Today was the presentation... we all know where this is going... today I fucked up...
Got logged in and set up, ready to present and realized that when I start "presentation mode" that I could no longer see the clock. Panic starts to creep in, which I know will make me speak faster, which I try to calm myself down from and decide to just go with it.
I start presenting, doing my best to speak slowly and to take time to think about my responses to questions and not just spew verbal diharea. I think I'm doing well.
About halfway through my slides, one of the attendees (who are all evaluating me) chimes in that he has another call and needs to drop off. A few others chime in. IT HAS ALREADY BEEN THIRTY MINUTES. I AM 10 MIN OVER THE TIME ALLOWED, AND HAVE HALF MY CONTENT REMAINING! Panic sets in fully and stress skyrockets.
I am like an auctioneer, blazing through content as fast as I can. I stammer and stumble over words due to talking too quickly (which means I'm going really really fast). If I slow down, even more people will need to leave before I finish. THERE IS NO GOOD OPTION!
I get through the presentation as best I can, skipping some stuff I hope won't be noticed, so that I can slow down and still cover most everything.
Silence.
Everyone has tuned out. It was a wall of noise. They needed to be somewhere else 30 minutes ago....
"Any questions?" I ask.
The primary person I am presenting to, clearly was also not paying attention due to how long it took for him to unmute and respond. Uggg.
Well, a few questions they said.... I was hoping that maybe meant things weren't as bad as they seemed. They asked me to expand on some of the things I deliberately skipped, but then said that they could have missed it due to me going so fast... ouch.
I answered as best as i could and thanked them for their time. Didn't even really get a "you too" or anything, so after a few moments of silence, I said thanks again and that I'd be logging off the webconference.
Haven't heard back yet since it's just been a few hours, but pretty sure I already know the answer.
TL;DR - TIFU an undeserved second chance to get a job I really need, and I did the same thing that required me to need a second chance in the first place.
[deleted]: Most of the time the interview process is a complete joke. If these people are trying to find innovative, creative, well -spoken new hire's to represent their company but can't stay tuned in to the decision for longer than thirty minutes to sort out any other dynamics that would qualify you for the position then they are a joke as well. I would be curious to know what they would have considered to be a "flawless" interview. I understand you need the job but these people sound like assholes. Good luck.
emayess: Thanks for helping me feel better about it. Turns out, despite their agreement that my presentation style could be better, my technical and strategy knowledge was enough to get an offer! It's a good thing I don't play poker, I'd fold every hand...
[deleted]: Good for you,man! Enjoy your new job!
ps. I play poker for a living and folding almost every hand is one of the most profitable things you can do sometimes! :)
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406673812 | 1406684271 | t3_2c35o6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | SunburnStockings: TIFU by not reading instructions
So I've been buying nothing but the cheap drugstore tampons with the cardboard applicator. You just pop it in and shove it up. anyway, I decided I deserved nice tampons and bought a box of Tampax click or whatever. So I pop it in and push on the little plunger thing and the tampon comes out.I use up like the whole box. Turns out,you had to pull the little plunger out first.I wasted all but four of my little pussy plugs.Cooch comforts have been denied.
PS. I know y'all gonna bitch about this so I'm gonna get it out of the way "no paragraphs!bitch bitch bitch biiiiitch." I'm using my damn phone.
ScientificallyStupid: "I know y'all gonna bitch about this " - fuck you
SunburnStockings: Its a common practice and I decided to be kind and save people time :)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406673078 | 1406694507 | t3_2c34by | t5_2to41 | 7 | Throw-away_69: TIFU by giving my muslim friend pork
This was about 2 years ago but its a pretty large fuck up. So that day I had a friend stay over at mine and the morning after we went for some breakfast. Theres a bunch of chinese food stalls near where I live and I recommended them for some noodles. He says " yeah sure as long as its halal" ( since he was muslim and infact a strongly devoted one too) . I wasn't thinking and assured him that the food was 100% safe for him to eat.
Next thing were eating the noodles and some pork.He's munching away at the pork with no knowledge that it is actually pig meat. He keeps saying that the food here is amazing and the meat is really really good etc etc. I'm not thinking at the time and only till about a day later I realize that I had pretty much fed him pork. Fuck.
TLDR; Gave my muslim friend pork without him or I knowing. He enjoyed it like no other food he had before.
PS: Muslims of reddit please dont be mad
iny0urend0: Wait, how did he not know what pork is?
Also, don't feel bad. While it's a big deal for Muslims it's not like he knowingly ate it or you tricked him.
caffeinefueled: Its hard to tell especially with chinese food, in fact most chinese joints use pork and pass it for chicken or beef God knows what else is in their meat.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406674084 | 1406759789 | t3_2c364l | t5_2to41 | 587 | Hash43: TIFU by eating icecream.
So my girlfriend came over earlier today and it was a hot summer day so we walked over to the local icecream shop. She got a milkshake and I got a double scoop of cookie dough icecream in a waffle cone. Im sitting down enjoying my cone when I feel a drop hit my shorts. I look at it, and its brown and white, just like my icecream. Im a slob most the time so I just scraped it off my shorts with my finger and sucked it off. It really did not taste like my yummy cookie dough icecream at all, and it didnt have the consistency of it either, and it wasnt cold. In fact it tasted awful. I looked at my gf, and then looked up. I swear to god I just ate bird shit. She saw my confusion and started laughing at me and reassured me it was my icecream. I thought whatever, so I kept eating my icecream. 20 seconds later another splat, right in the middle of my shirt. I looked at my gf again, and we both realized the first drop wasnt icecream either. I looked up, and there was a fucking robin perched above me in a tree. I ate bird shit.
Hash43: If anyone is curious, bird poop taste really salty and bad.
AsstarMcButtNugget: You bastard why would you ruin the surprise. Now what am I going to do with this spoonful of bird shit.
It_sees_me_naked: Just throw it on OPs shirt. He'll finish it
Hash43: I fucking love that bird shit, can't get enough.
AngleGrinder107: /r/nocontext
Shadow_Shitler: /r/evenwithcontext
| 7 | 83.857143 | |
1406675832 | 1406681791 | t3_2c392p | t5_2to41 | 26 | DrStupid87: TIFU by telling my 4 year old son about death.
A week ago, my son was talking about a creeper he killed in minecraft. Without thinking and in a tired haze I stupidly said "Oh everything dies eventually".
"Even me?" he said
Even more stupidly I said "Yes"
Started to cry and I immediately promised him he would live for ever. Soooo...TIFU twice.
Yesterday he burst into tears again saying that he'd be really sad if I died.
Oh dears...
http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/219/485/what_have_you_done_face_by_peteypiranha128-d3pbwit.jpg
MaskTzar: Aww mate, that's an unlucky turn of events. I think it should blow over and he'll forget about it, 4 year olds' minds can only stay on one thing for so long!
DrStupid87: Yeah! I think I timed his attention span on normal things to be about ten minutes. Thanks to Marcus Notch, Minecraft can completely absorb him for an hour or so.
Still a few other people have told me its better he knows about it sooner. Seems to be ok with it now at least.
DoppelgangerEX: As a Minecraft player, I find you calling him Marcus Notch hilarious.
DrStupid87: Glad to be of service. Too bad he wasn't called something like "Willie Waver" to enhance the giggles
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1406692096 | 1406694436 | t3_2c3as5 | t5_2to41 | -8 | Dinosoarman: Downvoted.
LeftyPO2: Upvoted
TheKeyMcKee: No voted
Dinosoarman: ? Voted
Valkonn: gold?
| 5 | -1.6 | |
1406677425 | 1406759907 | t3_2c3bqh | t5_2to41 | 7 | throwaway8754c: TIFU by having a good time while on holiday.
So i've been unemployed the last 3 months.
About a month ago I got offered a new job at a really respectable company.
I accepted it and decided i was going to go on holiday before i started work.
It was great - I travelled all throughout Europe, hitting many bars and having a great time.
I started my new job this week.
All seemed to be going well.
Except they told me that they'd be doing a drug test this week.
And I smoked so much weed visiting Amsterdam only 5 days ago.
I am fucked.
Tl;DR: Gonna get fired for being stoned on holiday.
drkleena13: OP you gotta update when you get the test results, is it a hair test or pee test?
throwaway8754c: Piss test - not til Friday now, but im still bricking it...
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406677935 | 1406746078 | t3_2c3clc | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by checking my gf's snap chat because I wasn't her top friend anymore.
TIFU by checking my gf's snap chat. Title says a lot but before everyone condemns me for checking her snaps, know that we mutually agreed to share our credentials for social media. Not saying that's a good or bad thing. Its just what we thought would be best.
Anyway today I had a weird feeling that something was not right with us because we hadn't been talking or video chatting as much as usual (or at all) Granted, she has been really busy lately studying for the whatever accountants take after college (CPA exam) and I have been in law school. But something wasn't right. So I checked her top friends and noticed I was no longer #1, but #3. Yea no big deal but something seemed wrong like I said. Logged in and opened the pic of new #1.
We've been dating for 4 years, long distance for last 2 years, and I broke things off tonight at around 6:45 e.t. after a phone call where she just said she likes the attention and that was the first snap that went that far. I would rather be oblivious, life was perfect.
Tldr: dude likes baths, so do I. :(
Edit: screen shot this, probably not a horrible dude so cropped, http://m.imgur.com/YBMoPjg
AlbinoStepchild: I will never comprehend women, and frankly I don't want to.
sobok: Because guys never cheat? That's an incredibly sexist thing to say.
AlbinoStepchild: I didn't say anything about cheating. I know exactly what this guy is going through. I tried to be perfect for a girl, do all the charming things, be there for her when it wasn't convenient for me. She cheated on me with a guy we worked with, saying that he needs my help.
So yeah, again, I frankly don't care about understanding women.
sobok: What I'm saying is that its not just women. Its unfortunate that happened to you, but its not because she was a woman. Its because she's a shitty person
AlbinoStepchild: I know it's not just women, and didn't mean to come off sexist. That was not my intent.
tobaccopackinacrobat: you didn't come off sexist. some people just like to assume sexism, because feminists
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1406677874 | 1406679680 | t3_2c3chc | t5_2to41 | 10 | mleegart: TIFU trying to be 'hilarious' for the r/subredditdrama users.
I found /r/subredditdrama a few weeks ago and was instantly hooked on the posts. I absolutely ate up all the great arguments and drama that spilled out into the most bizarre tangents. I had been watching from the sidelines happily, eating my popcorn. Then one day I simply wrote in the midst of an argument 'This is delicious drama'. Something along those lines anyway. I thought it was fucking hilarious. I really did. I loved the idea of adding in a kind of commentary during the bedlam. I would do this a little here...a little there with no harm done, just letting people know that it was uh 'appreciated' then the other day, I took it too far. I rated the drama in a post and started to go in-depth about what was so great about the argument. It was designed to stoke the flames (popcorn pissing as it's known) and I went all in. I even created a new account called /u/drama_ connoisseur...I launched into overdrive in this account, writing to current dramas happening giving up to date commentary on how good their drama was and critiquing their posts. This lasted all of 5 or 6 posts...then I was rightfully banned for popcorn pissing. This account I had made SPECIFICALLY for this subreddit was banned from it. I had learnt my lesson, I thought, until the gravity of my stupidity had truly come home to roost. Signing back in with my current account I figured I would have a second chance to comment and enjoy /r/subredditdrama by following all the rules and not being a cheeky little shit. There would be no chance for me as the first message a saw in my account was a notification of my ban from /r/subredditdrama. Don't make the same mistakes I did friends, read all the rules of the subreddits and stick to them. I learned all too real a lesson.
ianisboss123: Well at least you have /r/subredditdramadrama
Though it's not the same...
mleegart: Would what I did count as drama drama? God I don't think I want to know.
ianisboss123: Someone could link your comments in SRD if they caused drama but you being banned isn't a big deal (unless your account was well-known).
mleegart: That account wasn't well known and this account isn't particularly well known. I'm not very well known I don't think.
| 5 | 2 | |
1406673020 | 1406749702 | t3_2c3484 | t5_2to41 | 73 | TheExtraEye: TIFU by choosing to sleep in my sister's bed
A little context first. I live out of home and still regularly visit my family household. For most of those visits I find it a lot easier if I stay the night instead of taking public transport back home. My dad has been renovating the house for many years, and so he uses my old room as storage for a lot of building materials. So if I want to stay over I have to sleep on the couch, which can get uncomfortable and hot.
I couldn't get to sleep easily, so I decided to lay awake until my sister woke up to go to work (she has to leave for work at 3am) and take her comfy double bed with a plethora of pillows.
Once she finished getting ready for work and left, I immediately got up and into her room. I noticed she left her sheets and pillows in a mess, so I start rearranging them. The first thing I do is move her main pillow from where it lay, and my hands catch an object underneath.
I placed the pillow aside and look in horror as I've just picked up my sister's vibrator. Large, pink vibrator.
Immediately I drop it, turn the light off, back out of the room, and washed my hands for I don't know how long. There wasn't enough soap in the world.
My efforts to have a ridiculously comfy sleep turned into one of my hardest sleeps ever.
tl;dr - Sister wasn't home, I decide to sleep in her bed, end up holding her vibrator.
Edit: formatting
canwegoback: She hot?
ANUSTART942: She his sister.
RatchetArtichokes: [/r/wincest](http://www.reddit.com/r/wincest)
ANUSTART942: What the fuck that actually exists
| 5 | 14.6 | |
1406680831 | 1406758893 | t3_2c3hc4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | mwhaskin: TIFU by using rubbing alcohol
So I am pretty lazy with shaving my facial hair because my beard never got the puberty memo. Because of this, I shave about once a week. However, I was invited to a friends birthday dinner which does require shaving. After shaving, my neck started to bleed since the skin isn't used to new blade. Me, being the genius that I am, thought that maybe rubbing alcohol would stop the bleeding since I have to leave in 20 minutes (yes I am writing this when I should be leaving). My neck burnt with the pain of 1000 needles. The kicker: the bleeding didn't even stop.
grumpygooch: Amateur. Everyone knows you're supposed to use salt for neck cuts.
markyminkk: Are you serious? You're obviously supposed to use lemon juice on open cuts.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406682497 | 1406686577 | t3_2c3k03 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by swatting flies
So recently in my house there have been a lot of flies. I decided today I was gonna start swatting them so there wasn't as much. I was on a roll and every whack was a kill. I then spot a fly on the ceiling. Being the pro fly swatter I am, I decided I'm gonna jump and hit him at the same time. I'm in position, I jump and hit him, right on target. I let out a victory cry, but this victory would be short lived. As I opened my mouth to cheer, he fell and landed in my throat. I was coughing for about five minutes.
DrGaren: For reference, I looked like the health inspector on that one episode of Spongebob.
LEStep89: HAHA, I was literally thinking of that episode while reading this!
| 3 | 2 | |
1406682900 | 1406743787 | t3_2c3kml | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my crush to fuck off.
I'm a senior in high school, and today was the first day of our so called "band camp." (Cue the "this one time at band camp" jokes) Anyway, my crush and long time friend was selected to be the drum major, which is the one who conducts during marching band. Long story short, she has the most power as far as students go.
Now to the part when I fuck up.
We're in rehearsal and I'm on my phone as usual, so she decides to jokingly take my phone from me, and tell me that I can have it back at the end of the day. I understand that she's just messing around, so I (jokingly of course) tell her to fuck off and roll my eyes. However, she didn't pick up on the fact that I was kidding, and thought I was being a giant dick. So, she slaps my phone into my hand and tells me to grow up. I try to explain that I was messing around but she won't have anything of it.
TL;DR Told my crush to fuck off, she took me seriously and thinks I'm a dick.
RedSniper117: On the bright Side you have got a huge pair
self_lmprover: And got your phone back
RedSniper117: Who are you?
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406683438 | 1406726466 | t3_2c3ljg | t5_2to41 | 36 | liberated169: TIFU by telling my wife who I would fuck if I could
TIFU. After too many glasses of wine and looking through buzzfeed, I came across a new Lizzie Mcguire...um... Hilary Duff song. Turned to my wife and said, I had always wanted to fuck Hilary Duff. She looks at me with this expression of shock and awe then despair. I'm sure we will make it through this.
TL;DR: TIFU by telling my wife who'd I fuck
dirty_realist: Don't worry, it'll get worse. For the rest of your married life, any time that Hilary Duff is even vaguely mentioned, you'll get a snide remark.
"Oh look, do you need a minute alone?"
"I dare you to stand up right now."
"Bet someone needs a cold shower."
OR, if your wife is PMSing, prepare for:
"I'm so ugly, you should just leave me for that Duff girl. You don't love me anyway, I'll never be as good as Hilary Duff. All you ever think about is HER!"
Yeah, I told my wife Eva Green has a nice rack. Five years later, still can't even mention Casino Royale without getting glared at.
lanadelraycharles: A celebrity is not as bad as someone you know personally.
My ex boyfriend is a complete dumbass.
dirty_realist: At least I had enough sense to avoid that one.
lanadelraycharles: Best part: He cheated on me with her later on.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1406675132 | 1406729183 | t3_2c37w0 | t5_2to41 | 7 | tiffu_f_throw: TIFU by clicking a porn link in reddit while on my company's VPN
So, I finished work (at home today) and had a few minutes to kill so I pull up my new favorite site, reddit. I'm looking through gifs and see the Sprite one on the front or near it. Some a-hole posts a link to a porn sub-reddit. I'm a noob here and I think, 'no way', forgetting about the vpn. Well it was porn. Still, I'm probably safe. But, I checked a couple links out. Gifs on gfycat - still probably safe with that domain. Then one was redtube. After a couple minutes I realize I'm still on the vpn and half a dozen porn gifs and one video went through my vpn. Fuck. At least I found porn on reddit.
RedSniper117: I'm newish and I already knew there was poem on here
Voyager5555: Porn on the internet
Seems like a crazy notion
Or just common sense
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406683207 | 1406754141 | t3_2c3l5o | t5_2to41 | 63 | boopsboopsthefish: TIFU by walking in on my cross-dressing brother
I have a 14 year-old brother. He's always been a bit different, but I've never thought anything of it. The other day I went out with my friends. My parents were also out for the day, so it was just my brother at home. When I got home, I headed upstairs and had to pee, so I went for my mom's bathroom instead of the regular bathroom since it's closer. That was a mistake.
The moment I opened the door I was greeted by the sight of my brother jerking off. But he wasn't just jerking off - he was wearing one of my mom's skirts, a pair of black tights with a hole torn in the crotch, a bra with tissues stuffed into it, and make up (I've gotta say, though, he did a decent job with the make up.)
He froze, his ears turning red, and I stammered at him for a second before slamming the door and running to my room. He wouldn't look at me at all during dinner. It's been months and not word has been said about it. I'm pretty sure it's going to stay that way.
TL;DR: TIL what happened to my mom's mysteriously vanishing clothes.
1363631: Something that would be nice for him is for you to go talk to him, and say that yes you saw him doing that but you don't mind it. At this age, adolecents are prone to experimentations, finding their identity.
For you to have caught him "in the act" it can make a big impact on him. If you don't have anything against that please tell him that it is ok, but that other people might not find it that way because society is mainly bullshit after bullshit.
Writting this makes me almost want to cry because I lived trough this kind of experience, not cross-dressing but the discovery of my homosexuality by my father who threaten my boyfriend that he would kill him if he got close ot me again... Anyway I'm diverging here. If you need advices on how to handle this, please do pm me, I'd be happy if I can help you and/or your brother.
jamesacichon: *internet hugs*
1363631: :3 Taken.
jamesacichon: Married :p
1363631: Nah I meant taken as I take your hugs ^0^
Sorry I'm french
*sad puppy eyes*
jamesacichon: Oh, I misunderstood.
Sorry, I'm a dumb American :D
1363631: Dumb together all the way <3 !
| 8 | 7.875 | |
1406682907 | 1406718333 | t3_2c3kmy | t5_2to41 | 4 | WiniGev: TIFU by drawing a bath
I decided to make burgers and fries cuz I was hungry and naturally I had to make them for the whole family (mom, sister, and brother). After gorging on 4 burgers I decided to take a bath and go lay down cuz its cold in the house. I find the stopper for the bathtub and screw it in and watch the water start to fill up. I can feel the warmth sitting right in front of it so I decide to get in anyway. Keep in mid its filled 1/8th of the way. I sit in the tub browsing reddit as usual when I notice that the water seems to be receding. I look down to find that the stopper wasn't as tightly screwed on as I thought and the water was slowly leaking out. To make matters worse, the water had gotten cold because we have a small water heater. The bathtub is filled 1/4th and its getting colder. I'm waiting for the water to reheat still seating with my ass in cold water. I'm cold.
TIFU by trying to take a bath because I wad stuffed and cold.
On mobile so excuse any mistakes. Or not I don't give a fuck either way
ilikecarzNk9s: This subreddit sucks more and more every day
WiniGev: Okay. And that applies to me how? Don't bother me with trivial things like this
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406684396 | 1406686606 | t3_2c3n4r | t5_2to41 | 62 | brovreau: TIFU By losing my virginity in the backseat of a car
Ok, so reading the title you may be thinking, "oh well thats not too bad", but it gets worse.
So this "event" happened at a highschool party last night where I was entirely too intoxicated, it wasn't a large party, more of a 20-30 people get together. There was a girl there that had been internet stalking me for a few weeks, not to be a dick here but I personally didn't find her very attractive... at least not while sober apparently............. So fast forwarding to the party, this girl starts talking to me and my friend (who is a massive cock) comes up to us and says he'll pay us 20$ to make out... I thought it was a bit weird but I said what the hell. So I let it happen, then when I turned to collect, my friend had disappeared.
Then to make things even better, in my inebriated state she tells me we should go out to my car (I drive to parties and leave my car there to pick up in the morning). I said yeah sure, we go out, start making sexytime, and then I hear people laughing outside. I open up the door while my pants are down and she's half naked, and find that theres 10 people outside my car all holding cameras... SO FOR SOME FUCKING REASON I DECIDE ITS BETTER TO CLOSE THE DOOR AND CONTINUE FUCKING HER INSTEAD OF GOING OUTSIDE AND RUNNING AWAY... I hate myself so much right now......^^^I ^^^finished
TL;DR: Filmed an accidental amateur porno in my car
Verboten_freedom: This is not a fuck up. If this really happened, you acted accordingly.
brovreau: snapchats were sent out, videos were saved, there was a "brovreau fucked the moose" chant outside the car at one point... trust me, it happened
fuckclaw: how ugly was this girl? if they're calling her a moose its gotta be horrible
brovreau: 3 or 4/10
fuckclaw: yikessssss
pics op
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1406683231 | 1406708596 | t3_2c3l6z | t5_2to41 | 25 | Cias: TIFU by causing a customer to vomit
So, a little backstory first. i crowd funded a liquid meal replacement called soylent about a year ago. my order finally came last week, now on their official forums, a major concern is that the product gives people awful smelling gas. so much so, that they halted production for over two weeks to find a solution and posted an update about it.
"Optimizing the Soylent Experience
Our research found that switching immediately to a predominantly Soylent-based diet was the most common source of customer issues. The flatulence issue seems to most drastically impact backers going from never having Soylent to immediately using Soylent for > 60% of their diet. Dehydration and lower-than-usual sodium have also impacted some backers that are physically active or had a sodium-rich diet prior to switching to a Soylent-focused diet."
Anyway, i work for a limousine company. we mostly drive people to and from the airport. Today, i had to pick a lady up at 4pm, i had nothing but soylent yesterday and today. The smell that has been coming out of my ass is what nightmares are made of. Now, i'm sure you can see where this is leading... I pick up said lady, she almost instantly passes out in the backseat. about 25 minutes into the trip, i feel trouble brewing. for the next 30 minutes i fought an epic battle to hold back the death that wanted to be set loose. After that, it just wasn't possible to hold it any longer. I made it as silent as possible, but the smell....
It was straight from the depths of hell. About 2 minutes later, i saw her groggily wake up, she started swatting away at the lingering demons around her nostrils while making the most disgusted face i have ever seen. Still half asleep, she proceeded to projectile vomit all over the back of the town car. It was like out of the exorcist, some of it even reached the front passenger window and door. She was fully awake by now, realizing the horror that was before her, she started apologizing and said "whatever i ate on the plane plus that awful skunk smell must have made me sick! i'm so sorry about this!"
So thankfully, we were close to her house when that happened. Once we arrive, she apologizes about a hundred times more. She then hands me a fifty dollar bill as a tip and says i am so sorry about the mess. mind you, 20% tip is already baked into the bill... i tried declining it but she wouldn't let me, Then it took me almost an hour to fully clean the car.
TL;DR: Soylent makes my asshole smell like pure death, caused a customer to projectile vomit all over the company car, got tipped extra for it.
PM_ME_CHUBBY_CHICKS: "Soylent"? Who in their right mind names a product "Soylent"? The bar isn't a green color is it?
Actually, after further consideration, I would buy a green mystery bar labelled "Soylent" just for the novelty.
Cias: Yeah i dunno, here is their website http://www.soylent.me/
the product itself is actually really good honestly, aside from the gas..
magmagmagmag: would never buy this.. never
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1406686245 | 1406686543 | t3_2c3q45 | t5_2to41 | 3 | MadlockFreak: TIFU by eating toasted marshmellows
Unlike most stories on here, this happened a moment ago. I recently bought some marshmellows from the corner store earlier today and decided to toast some a moment ago. Now, I don't have any random sticks on me so I decided to use a metal skewer. Nothing went wrong with the first round of gooey delicious marshmellows. It wasn't until the second round that I over reached the golden brown pillows of happiness that my lip touched the hot metal. This made eating the last few marshmellows almost unpleasant.
My lips still hurt.
[This is the skewer btw](http://hotcrankypeople.com/blogpics/skewer.jpg)
-Cicero-: I touched a really really fucking hot fire pit on the forth of july when I was 9. It fucking hurt man! I even have a scar on my hand. It burned. :(
MadlockFreak: Did you get marshmellows at least?
-Cicero-: Nope. I did have some chocolate and some sweet tea after. :3
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406686042 | 1406693831 | t3_2c3prw | t5_2to41 | 6 | eewwee: TIFU by passing notes in class.
like most stories here, this did not happen today but I still cringe thinking about it.
**backstory:** I was starting middle school (6th grade) and got all the info on my teachers from my sister who is 2 years older than I am. she let me in on some interesting rumours about one in particular, the geography teacher. now, in my school, the "gen eds" as you could call them (geography, health, home ec, etc.) had one or two teachers who would teach for all the grades (6th - 8th), and our "core classes'" (math, english, science, etc.) teachers were grade-specific. so my sister had already gone through two years with this geography teacher (we'll call him Mr. G) and as middle schoolers do, rumours were spread. he was a creepy dude, middle aged, unmarried or divorced or something. apparently he would creepily hit on any girls in his class and give them good grades, ignore the boys or yell at them, typical sexist teacher stuff. there was one apparent incident where he was caught looking at porn and jacking off in his classroom. now, I have no idea whether or not any of this was true other than the fact that he seemed like kind of a creep. but of course I ate up this juicy info and planned on spreading it to all my new friends because I had the cool older sister who knew all this stuff.
**the incident:** a couple weeks into the year, I was sitting in Mr. G's class. the girl who sat next to me became friends with me, which was surprising because she was pretty and popular and I was the weird goth girl (we all had that phase..). of course we were bored out of our skulls because geography and we started passing notes. I told her I heard some crazy shit about Mr. G. she begged me to tell her all about it. I said no it's super inappropriate and I'd tell her after class. she insists. I oblige.
I wrote a sizable paragraph detailing the apparent incident of Mr. G watching porn and jacking off in his classroom and getting caught by a bunch of students walking in on him. she read it, wrote back something like "omg really that's disgusting" and as she passed it back to me **MR. FUCKING G CAUGHT US.** my entire life flashed before my eyes as he snatched the note and quickly skimmed it. his eyes grew wide. his face turned red. I thought his head was going to explode. he demanded we both go down to the office NOW.
I was shitting my pants because I'd never gotten in trouble before. I was always the super good, super smart, super quiet kid who got picked on. we went to the office and waited while Mr. G talked to the principal about what happened, then we went in and apologized profusely, told them how stupid it was to spread rumours, etc etc. I think I cried a little. we ended up getting detention for a few days. I never told my parents the whole story, just that I had been caught passing notes. I told my sister though, and she laughed forever. I remember my homeroom teacher talking to me during one of the detentions, telling me "you should never write down something that you wouldn't wear on a t-shirt because it could always be found and traced back to you." I thought that was kinda dumb but then I imagined wearing a t-shirt saying "MR. G JACKS OFF IN HIS CLASSROOM" and cringed all over again.
I then had to deal with having Mr. G for geography for the remainder of the school year and the following two years. I did notice him being awkwardly flirty with some girls, but he barely even spoke to me. then my senior year of high school he proctored one of my AP exams. I don't think he ever forgot.
**TL;DR** don't spread dirty rumours about a teacher in his own damn classroom, 'cause he'll catch you and then won't try and flirt with you.
fuckclaw: OP is in the 6th grade
eewwee: was*
I'm in college now.
fuckclaw: i didn't even read any of the OP lmao i just guessed. but this sounds an awful lot like a teacher i had back then is his name Mr. Gulsvig?
eewwee: haha reddit didn't even exist when I was in 6th grade :P
no it's not, his name doesn't begin with a G..I just used that since he was the **G**eography teacher. ~so creative~
but I'm sure there are TONS of creepy middle/high school teachers around. actually one of the gym teachers at my middle school was arrested for public nudity..good times.
fuckclaw: lmfaoooooo
| 6 | 1 | |
1406686753 | 1406695213 | t3_2c3qyk | t5_2to41 | 10 | walmart-scared: TIFU by being a cheap prick
I should add that I work at Wal-Mart in Canada. This happened a few weeks ago. I was low on money, and for some piece of shit reason, I decided to take an item worth $65. I regretted it afterward, I felt so guilty. I couldn't exactly return it, as I could possibly lose my job. This afternoon, a saw 2 police officers in uniform enter the door that leads to the loss prevention. Of course I was scared shirtless for my job, and especially my future, as I am still a minor. I just don't know what to do next. If I could fix this and get off scott-free, I would. I still am not certain what the police were doing there, or if they know it was. I am really scared shitless, and I feel like a scumbag piece of shit. Stealing isn't in my nature. I know for sure I won't be shoplifting anything from now on.
TLDR: Canadian Walmart employee, spur of the moment decided to take a $65 dollar item of the shelf, police came, don't know if I'm screwed or not.
Edit: Any advice? I just want a clean criminal record.
a_million_bunnies: You should figure out how to google. I'd hazard a guess that more redditors are American and don't know anything about Canadian law. Looks like you'd have a good chance of getting ["diversion"](http://lawfacts.ca/criminal/diversion), basically community service with no criminal record.
I have no idea if they'd charge you, but if they confront you, I think it's better to fess up. No point in trying to cover it up, and you'd likely get a light punishment.
walmart-scared: There is no doubt that I would fess up. Even then though, I will lose my job.
a_million_bunnies: Yes, unfortunately. As long as you don't need it, losing a retail job isn't a huge loss (hopefully, they may not even bother charging you).
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406684677 | 1406732049 | t3_2c3nk6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | mrsmcfreaky: Tifu by incorporating a fruit by the foot in a blow job. Nsfw
I(22f) love fruit rollups and fruit by the foot, I kinda have an unhealthy love for them. My SO(24m) buys them for me all the time, he's amazing like that. Well one time I decided to thank him for them by giving him a blow job. I started sucking on him then kinda thought what if I wrap one around him, it would be so delicious! I ask him before hand if it was alright, he said it was fine with him. So I wrapped it around him and started going to town. Then I realized it wasn't coming off as easy as I'd hoped for as I started peeling it off with my teeth he started screaming told me to stop. It had practically glued itself to his penis!
What I did next I feel really bad for, but first thing that came to mind was to hurry and peel of the rest before it got worse.... I traumatized him. Looking back we really should have washed it off with warm water or something, but I'd really hate to wasted those delicious fruit snacks! He was red for a week and wouldn't let me go anywhere near his manhood(not sure if redness what from ripping off the fruit by the foot or it had dyed it red).
TLDR; I wrapped a fruit by the foot around SO's penis, practically glued itself to it didn't want to waste it soi ripped it off... cock blocked me for a week!
Voyager5555: "but I'd really hate to wasted those delicious fruit snacks!"
So what, you were going to eat it after you managed to peel it off his dick?
TheXEADragon: Those dick peelings though!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406687667 | 1406689336 | t3_2c3shm | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By not accidentally running over a bunny good enough.
It jetted out in front of me. I had no time to stop. When I tried to get it between my tires (usually do this when it is safe to swerve) it didn't work and I ran over the poor guy. I reluctantly looked into my rear-view mirror to see it seizing/kicking its legs around in the middle of the street. I wish I could have put it out of its misery. This was my first time running over a live animal. I'm scarred.
DominusDraco: You went back to put it out of its misery....right OP? If not, WTF is wrong with you?
The_chordmaster: It was on a pretty busy street. There wasn't much I could do.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406689230 | 1406689373 | t3_2c3uxm | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my pubes after jerking off
After jerking off while sitting on the toilet, I figure that my pubes could use a nice trimming. I didn't need to wash my hands because there was just lotion on them, and my load was at the bottom of the toilet.
I grab my electric razor and start to do a quick buzz. I start shaving downwards toward my shaft when my razor starts slipping from my lotion covered hands. I freaked out and squeezed the razor so it wouldn't slip, only worsening the situation because at this point I was squeezing the bottom of it, and I drove the razor all down my shaft, cutting on its way down. The razor fell in the toilet, and I now have a bloody barcode looking cut on my shaft, and some skin chewed up under the mushroom cap.
Speed2much: Ouch
[deleted]: -_-
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1406687949 | 1406689556 | t3_2c3sy7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | BatBoy1198: TIFU by yelling at my drunken stepdad
So tonight i was in my room, when i heard my mom ask where my dog was. Now me being my nosy self, decided to go 'investigate'. I walked into the living room and helped her look to see if she was stuck in a room.
(Enter Drunken Stepdad):Oh your dog... i let her out
Me being my rational and knowing he was drunk, i said, "Well, do you know what time she got out?" He proceeded to tell me that if i wanted my do so badly, i should go find her myself. Ok, lets get one thing straight right now. I am a skinny, 125 pound, 15 year old boy. I don't know if you know this, but in horror movies, especially the kidnapping ones, the 15 year old scrawny boy/girl gets kidnapped!! Have you not seen The Call with Halle Berry?! Like seriously, i don't wanna die! So i guess he took that as some sort of back talk, and says, just because your dad finally got his shit together, doesn't mean you can talk to me like that. LOW BLOW. I don't take people talking about my dad very lightly. My dad is a ex-alcoholic and went to rehab 3 years ago and STILL to this day goes to AA meetings, so needless to say, i was pissed. I went off. To the point where he got up in my face for about 10 seconds and then walk away saying, "You're a b*tch!" Like really? You're about to turn 40 in literally A DAY, Yes i said a day meaning his birthday is tomorrow, and you're gonna call your 15 year old son a bitch? Grow up. But needless to say, i ended up opening my big mouth again and said, "At least i'm not a 40 year old drunk that can't even stand up straight" Which was true, he was swaying back and forth and hit the wall a couple of times walking to me and back to the living room. So He came up to me and pushed me. Keep in mind, he is 250+ pounds, and i am 125 pounds. I may be taller than him but he is twice my weight! And not only that, but he's 25 freaking years older than me. So needless to say, i have a couple bruises and scratches, BUT at least i'm not a 40 year old that's too drunk to have a sane mind and beats on teenagers. Plus, he didn't get my face, and i got his once or twice! :D So who won now :P
LS;DR I got beat up by my step-dad because he was too drunk and ran his mouth.
OhSoopah: Get your ass out there and find that fucking dog!!!
BatBoy1198: She came back... -_-
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406688699 | 1406691885 | t3_2c3u4f | t5_2to41 | 4 | NintendoFuckup: TIFU by returning 2DS systems to Walmart.
Today I fucked up when I tried to return some 2DS systems to Walmart.
It all started with this limited edition green 2DS.
I saw it. I wanted it. I told my friend about it and they wanted them too.
I saved up some extra dollars to be able to afford this.
Lo and behold a great sale comes upon Target and these suckers go on sale for $99 a piece. I have a target card so I go and order 3 (max limit) twice for me and all my friends. Put it on target credit card since I always pay it in full every month
They would all pay me a little extra for my effort and everyone gets what they want.
Then targets cancels my order and says they aren't stocking this green color anymore.
My friends tell me they only want green ones so I try to fix it.
I go to Target and get them to price check the blue ones to $99 and then order the green ones from Walmart for full price.
I'll just say they sent the wrong color, return the blue ones to Walmart and then everything will be great.
WRONG.
Apparently I'm extraordinarily not smart and they track the serials on these things by store and every other store knows what store they came from.
The lady behind the desk is pissed off I'm wasting her time and tells me I can't return them. Figured as much when tiny tickets started spouting out of the printer when she scanned the things.
Security comes up to the Walmart return desk and tells me I should probably just leave and not come back.
Got tsk'd out of the ghetto Walmart I went to because I figured they weren't too concerned with weird returns.
Now I have a bunch of 2DS that I paid too much for or no one wants with the pay off date for my card coming up. I'm so stupid.
tl;dr Tried to trick Walmart into returning 2DS systems, Walmart tapped its acrylic nails in disappointment and told me to fuck off.
probot67: if i didn't just buy a Wii U, i would've bought one of those off of you. Sorry. bad timing.
NintendoFuckup: Hey I appreciate that.
I put some up on craigslist so hopefully I can get back where I started.
Lesson learned.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406689141 | 1406753913 | t3_2c3utb | t5_2to41 | 41 | yttlebarr: TIFU by sending dirty emojis to the mom I nanny for
So, I nanny over the summer for multiple families. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I take care of two boys, 5 and 10. I have been sitting for them for about 4 and a half years, so I know the family super well. I've been sitting for them since before I had my drivers license as a teenager. Thankfully, they are like my second family, so this isn't as bad as it could've been.
I just got an iPhone last week. It is my first smart phone. (Hello 21st century!)
I just learned how to make emojis tonight.
I sent my mother a stream of them, including one that looked like a pointing finger and a hand with the pointer touching the thumb. Ya know, sexual. I sent a few more. Then I realized it was not my mother.
I sent the emojis to the mom of the 2 kids I sit for.
I sent her a message immediately profusely apologizing and told her those were definitely meant for someone else. Thankfully, the sexual innuendo one was the worst, the rest were just random animals and faces.
I wait.
I see her typing.
Mom I sit for: You bad girl ;)
I breathed a sigh of relief and joked with her that I hope I made her night a little more entertaining. Glad she took the whole thing well, but I am still embarrassed and nervous to face her Thursday.
TLDR; Check the name of the person you are texting 50 times before you send any form of sexual innuendo. Ever.
Spin_me_right_round2: Why were you texting your mom sexual emojis?
yttlebarr: Hahaha, you see, my mom is basically my best friend. She's not like normal moms. Usually I send her 8==D and other pornographic text Just to get a rise. I usually get back, "Ug, yttlebarr that is so gross!!!!! Baaaaaad!" It's fun.
herpderp1132: > Just to get a rise
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
yttlebarr: Hey, my mom may have a penis, but she gives great fashion advice... (Joking)
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1406690481 | 1406739022 | t3_2c3wu1 | t5_2to41 | 22 | ejovo13: TIFU by fucking my couch
As a horny teen alone for the day I did what any other alone, horny teen would do: Masturbate. This time I whip out the phone for the porn, and start off. I'm thinking to myself "I need something to fuck" So lo and behold I see my couch to the left of me with a perfect gap between cushions and the actual base of the couch. After about a minute of me being bored because I'm fucking a couch, I decide to finish manually. After I finish, I notice that there was a little bit of *blood* mixed with my cum. **OH FUCK** I clean up with tissues and by now the tip of my penis is super tender. After a couple hours the pain subsides, but I know I will be fucked soon. After around 6 hours of holding in my piss, I know I'm about to have hell crawl out of my urethane. It's go time and holy fuck did it hurt. I can feel the pain as urine leaves my body and I can only whimper. I was on [this site](lesbianpornvideos.com)
[deleted]: What u need to do is put a ziplock baggie between the cushions filled with your favorite lubricant and plow away. better yet is if you put the baggie between your mattress and box spring, it provides a tighter squeeze.
Silverlight42: TIFU when the baggie full of lubricant exploded all over the couch.
[deleted]: haha, I should mention not to use the sandwich size, go for the quart
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1406691352 | 1406769283 | t3_2c3y6e | t5_2to41 | 16 | SHUMAGORATH7: TIFU by watching porn with friends in middle school.
I want to give as much detail as possible because its a good story that happened a long time ago (circa 2003)
Some friends from band class (oh god no) and I were having a sleepover so there were about five or six of us total. Having fun playing video games and talking about bitches (no offense to the bitches) well that point in the sleepover comes when the parents fall asleep and all hell breaks loose. Were running around the neighborhood spray painting shit, riding bikes and being vagrants. Well we head in and my friend informs us all that when he was at another friends house (drumming) he snuck a porno vhs after a friend showed him where the dad's stash was. We start the viewing, very low quality clips, some whole scenes mostly 80's kinky shit with big hair and aids mustaches. Well about 45 minutes in some old family stuff comes on screen making it apparent that someone taped over most of the family camping trip with some good ole xxx. Well were making fun of our absent friends 7 year old mullet when suddenly shit got real. On screen is our friends mom... The one that made cookies for the band and always did our fundraising and she is going to town on herself with a vibrator. She's about 350 and just hammering away at that thing. We go silent
Even our friends in the middle of a heated yugioh battle stopped.
We couldnt speak or move. The dad was apparently the camera man and he was rather supportive of all of this. Well it got worse quick.. After about 3 minutes the dad comes in screen in a black lingerie get holding a dildo. He lays on the bed facing the camera and begins putting it in his mouth. The dad:ex drummer/cool dad alcoholic. Id had so much respect for this guy before and so did my friends. We turned off the tape before he was apparently about to begin toying his ass but the damage was don't. We each swore not to tell and destroyed the tape. The event made for great inside jokes that lasted all through high school but having never told this story I just thought yal should know.
Tl;Dr : friends parents on tape making Jesus very disappointed.
JessicaWinter: That. Is. Awesome.
Why would you turn it off?!
Now we'll never know how it endssss...
SHUMAGORATH7: I didn't wanna watch someone I respected toy with their ass... Especially a guy. It was wretched.
JessicaWinter: Hahaha yeah, that's understandable.
I wouldn't have been able to help myself though!
SHUMAGORATH7: His mom was fair game so I guess I'm a hypocrite lol
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1406671180 | 1406700004 | t3_2c30vl | t5_2to41 | 4 | ToochMehOimGay: TIFU by failing my drivers license test.
This actually happened a while back, and I'm not proud. But regardless, here it is.
So after all the paperwork and waiting, i was finally in line in my car at the driving facility, ready to get my license. Like most are at that time, I was feeling quite anxious. The time comes and my driving instructor approaches my car window and asks for my learner's permit. I pick it up and as I start to hand it to her, it slips right out of my hand and just falls straight into the [abyss](http://imgur.com/D8LMFrS). The lady just says, "Umm I'm gonna go back inside the office... I'll be right back." I now feel like an idiot and get even more anxious because the test hadn't even started and i already screwed up.
So while my instructor is inside, I assume trying to fix my mistake, I start searching for my permit. I turn around in my seat and start looking under it from the back, and it's tough because the car is very cramped. I pick my head up for air and i see all the other kids in their cars around me staring, because I'm desperately fidgeting around in my car and climbing over the seat. I stick my head back down to look again when i suddenly hear a loud as shit **VROOOOM**. It spooked me so bad so i sit up and look around, trying to figure out what kind of genius would rev their engine at this time. "What an asshole" i think, and go back to looking. Maybe 20 seconds later, someone revs their engine *again* but even louder and longer. Then while looking under the seat, blood rushed to my head and me grunting from the strain, i immediately stop and realize, *"fuck.. that was me."* I slowly raise myself back up to normal sitting position and see aaaall of the other people waiting in their cars, glaring at my obliviouesness.
At this point, i feel so ashamed and embarrassed that i just want to go home, which is not a great feeling before a drivers test. I reach back down, cognizant of my foot positioning, and search some more. I finally find it but when the instructor comes back out, she says she "already took care of it" and doesn't need to see my permit. Man, what a waste.
Well the test begins and I put the pre-test bogusness behind me... or so i thought. In a fit of what was i guess me wanting to go home already from what happened back at the drivers facility, i screwed up the last turn and maaaaybe almost got in a wreck. She then failed me for a committing a "dangerous act" (psh). Later on i retook it and passed, but needless to say even with my license, nobody rode with me driving for a loong time.
lanadelraycharles: Probably shouldn't have read this when I have to take mine in the morning.
Still not as bad as last time I took it, though.
ToochMehOimGay: Nah you'll be fine, mine was a silly mistake. Just take all the time you need, there's no rush at all!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406691606 | 1406712723 | t3_2c3yk7 | t5_2to41 | 9 | hard2catchAthrowaway: TIFU and chose job over girl...
So it was actually yesterday that it was made official, but I am taking a promotion with a move over the girl that I have known for a couple months but had the best connection with. I was married for 10 years and dated since, I know what I want and she matches so much of it, but we are too new and the distance is too much for me, I know this about myself. So the fuck up is the fact that she would probably be my biggest support in life, and even though we are very new I almost want to ask her to come with me (which she would), but I listen to logic instead of my heart and now I'm at the bottom. I'm looking for a few to say it's ok I wont be alone forever like I feel is looming...
EDIT: report from the week following - I forgot to stress how hard it would be to have someone after a couple months just move in (which is change enough) but then to deal with her having to find work in a very small town, as well as taking her from family and town she has never left aside from school.
Good thing is the lonely is getting a bit easier to deal with, I just wish that I would hear from her.
Also the one thing that helped me move on was a comment about some dude that likes her but she can't get over me that quick. I think that might have been out of hurt, trying to illicit a response, but it pushed me because I was thinking about how shitty it was not having her and she made it seem like I messed it up for her to be with anyone right now.
Anyway choice was made and now I am moving forward so we'll see thanks for the responses but have to go this route...
Sturgill53: Why would you not ask her to go with you?
Stiffed_: EXACTLY!!! Worst thing she could say is no
th3b1gr3d0n3: If she says no you are in no different position than you are by not asking her.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406691403 | 1406726773 | t3_2c3y9a | t5_2to41 | 9 | RandomManShouting: TIFU By walking in on my best friends sister
TIFU, My stomach had been bothering me all day and I was playing lacrosse with my friend (I've known him and his family for like 15 years) as we do often, suddenly I had to take a mean poop. So I run into his house and go to his bathroom downstairs, as I'm running down stairs I begin to undo my pants so as soon as I reach the toilet, I can do my business. I come around the corner and the door is half open so I assume it's vacant. I barge in there pulling down my pants when standing there in front of the mirror, fresh outta the shower, with no towel in sight, is my friends hot sister. She turns around to see me in my boxers and pants around my ankles. I couldn't help but mutter the words "oh shit." I tried to hustle away quietly but my pants were constricting my movement and my belt was slamming against the hardwood with every step. I ran upstairs and shit and it's been about two hours and I still haven't seen her. I'm afraid of the next time I have to see her face to face.
TL;DR had to shit, ended up seeing my best friends sister completely naked instead
Lofty2: Why does this kind of stuff never happen to me?
Voyager5555: It usually hasn't happened to the people that post either.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406676828 | 1406726403 | t3_2c3aqi | t5_2to41 | 5 | pickpocket293: TIFU by trying to help a Veteran cheat on a college final.
So this actually happened a few years ago, which is the only reason I'm willing to even talk about it.. Anyway, here we go.
At the college I went to I was taking a class on campus that was widely known as the "weed-out" class for my specific major, and I was doing pretty well at it. It was getting toward the end of the semester and I was plugging away on one of the last homework assignments of the semester, preparing for the final that was to take place in a couple days. A guy that I know through friends of friends but haven't really interacted with much asks for some help on the stuff, because he's just not getting it. I explain the material as best I can and it's obvious that he's still having a really rough time, and he's really stressed about the final coming up. The guy was widely known throughout the [fairly small] department as being a veteran, and because he had a few too many explosions happen near his head he always winced and flinched like he was ready for another one to go off any second..
Anyway, the Veteran eventually gets around to asking me "Hey, pickpocket, would you be willing to help me with the final?" I was hesitant, since I had a pretty strong moral compass, but the veteran was over the legal drinking age and I was not, so when he offered to throw in 2 bottles of my favorite bourbon, I agreed. Together we hatched an ingenious plan... Fast forward to exam day-- veteran was allowed to take the test in a room by himself in an undisclosed location with extra time (probably because of the aforementioned explosions) and I was in the normal computer lab with everyone else. The test proceeds like normal and I knock it out with plenty of time to spare. I upload my exam, titled "pickpocket's_lastname_Fall2009.mcd" to the exam server and leave the room. I then went to *another* computer lab on campus and signed into my account. Because of the way the computer system is set up at this school, I was able to access my exam again and save it on the *local* hard disk for the computer I was sitting by, and then I logged out and logged in to the computer using the Veteran's username and password that he had given me. I then moved my exam to the Veteran's net storage, and he plan appeared to have worked perfectly, since Veteran was able to see what I did after I uploaded it to his storage. I then left the building to go pound some beers, because college.
Fast forward to when grades came due, and I see that instead of having a letter grade for the class, I have an "I", and an accompanying email from the professor asking to meet with me ASAP in her office. I silently mouth the "oh fuck" and scurry to campus just as soon as I could, while practicing my surprised face. The prof asks if there's anything I want to tell her (without saying much more) and I say no. She then schedules an appointment for both the Veteran and I with one of the head honchos of the school, and I start to get nervous. The Veteran has maintained that he hasn't mentioned anything about this to anyone, so they can't possibly know what's up. The meeting with Mr. Head Honcho is like the world's most awkward game of poker, since he wanted to give me a chance to confess before he showed me what evidence he had, but I wanted to know what evidence he had so I could know if I would be able to deny it at all... It ended up that the professor checked the Veteran's computer after he submitted his exam and saw "pickpocket's_lastname.mcd" in the recently opened documents, and took some screenshots. We were both screwed. The fatal error was that neither I, nor the veteran had changed the damn file name before using it, otherwise the allegations would've been much harder to prove. Anyway, the Veteran broke down under the pressure and tried to take full responsibility for it, I was told. At this point I'm expecting to be expelled and have my future be totally fucked, but the professor took extreme pity on us. The Veteran was required to retake the course, and I had my final grade bumped down one letter... So instead of a "B" like I earned in that pain-in-the-ass class, I got a "C". And I never got my fucking bourbon, either.
That's not where the story ends though... Fast forward a few years to when I'm about to finish up school, and I've worked hard the last few semesters to bring up my GPA so I can get into grad school. At that point in the last semester I have a 2.975 GPA, but the standard for any grad school to even look at you is a 3.0.. And everywhere I turned, they told me that a 2.975 does NOT round to a 3.0. I did the math with the total credits I had, and if I had had *one* class with *one* letter grade higher, I would have a 3.0 GPA.. I had heard that no grades in college were final until the final transcript has been printed, so I went back to literally *every single professor* I'd ever had a class with, begging them to let me do some extra work to bump my grade up one letter so I can get into grad school. Every one of them tells me to retake the course in the summer, and I'm totally fucked. I had to wait for the grades from the final semester of school to come in before I could start the application process and have a GPA over 3.0, which means I had to put off beginning grad school for a full semester, and my life was hence-forth delayed 4 months from where it normally would be. TIFU
TL;DR Helped a veteran cheat, got caught, got a slap on the wrist, but ended up not being able to get into grad school several years later by exactly that one grade.
markyminkk: Dang, that sucks bro :/
Having also been caught cheating and going through that "fml" period, I understand the regret you must've felt after that. I'm not gonna lie though, you did bring it upon yourself, all for some extra booze.
How did it turn out for you?
pickpocket293: Yep, I accepted the consequences and just tried to move forward.. And pretty much never talk about it with anyone because of shame.
In the end everything kinda turned out ok. I waited until summer for my final grades to come out, which finally bumped my GPA up over the 3.0, the applied to the grad school I wanted to go to and got in.. knocked out that horrible piece of masochism in the following 2 years and now I'm working full time. Thank god.
markyminkk: Good to hear! At least you knew what you were doing and wasn't like you copied from another person; I know some others who are barred from certain grad schools just because they were caught plagiarizing on a report, etc. Good luck on your future endeavors!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406690305 | 1406692398 | t3_2c3wko | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally creating a religion.
Edited the names for anonymity
Okay.
I was having a normal conversation with this girl named "The Queen, Goddess of Perfection", we both love Gorillaz so I made a joke about 2D and she told me to name the albums, after I failed that she told me she is an expert on gorillaz and to ask her any question. I asked her many questions and then at the end another joke and then thought it would be funny to give her a prize. She decided to choose for me to be her fanboy for 24hrs and then had another conversation about another long story I would be reluctant to post.
So I edited my profile picture to have blue hair, posted some pictures about it and accidentally created the religion Gabianity. Now I changed my Kik profile picture to her with a glorified halo and named my self HAIL QUEEN ****.Had fun day and a disturbed look from my mom about-you guessed it- my blue hair. Later that night I was talking to her still when my other friend, Jebedisha caught me and asked me "what's wrong with my pic". First I was annoyed that she said something was wrong with it, because that's my friend and frankly she is a downstairs tumble from The Queen,Goddess of Perfection. Nonetheless I told her she the perfect goddess blah blah blah, she got REAAAL defensive at the sight of another "god" being portrayed and tried to play it off cool asking "isnt he a king" implying I mean the masculine christian god that is king of da land not my perfect goddess queen of perfection, so she starts getting more defensive and im like "wow get a load of this girl" and told The Queen, Goddess of Perfection. Bad move. She joined the conversation and
at first I kinda felt like being a misfit, I mean I even added lenny inducing remarks such as when she said "I am everywhere" I said "She is in me right now."They ended up fighting over jesus being in a text book but I try to keep the comical flair like The Queen,Goddess of Perfection claiming she used my body to enter the conversation when asked how she got into the conversation anyway. they had a real shitty arguement that turned religious. once The Queen, Goddess of Perfection called her dumb I knew shit hit the fan and intervened. Of course I later realised that my friend REALLY BELIEVED THAT I THOUGHT THE GIRL WAS A GODDESS,AND THAT SHE WAS SOME FALSE GODDESS USING ME TO SPREAD BLASPHEMY. Now the reason I let The Queen, Goddess of Perfection join the convo was because I was ticked that she couldnt let the joke go. After I got The Queen, Goddess of Perfection to leave by telling her to to take me away, the girl messaged me about is she a god and she looks teenage why is a god's picture so recent not old and stuff, I am downright frustrated at her ignorance for legitly thinking she is a god that is using me so then we end up in a more softened discussion where I do the CORRECT way of portraying skepticism for christianity and she jumps to the "oh so you're saying god doesnt exist", now I dont think I should tell her im atheist because a loong reason and wow she is so dumb. But now she hates me and I let The Queen, Goddess of Perfection be a dick to her and I think she is jealous of The Queen, Goddess of Perfection in the way you probably think, because she kept asking "where did you find her and how old is she blah blah fuck blah who is she blah blah im so jealous that this girl is acting so close with you blah, but The Queen, Goddess of Perfection is like steaming from her /every/ orface over the whole ocasion and 24hrs end tommorow afternoon so I have to pray to her tommorow morning hail queen.
OH also 24hrs hasn't ended yet so
HAIL THE QUEEN,GODDESS OF PERFECTION
HER HAIR AS MAJESTIC AS THE WIND
HER HIPSTER GLASSES,COOLEST BEFORE TIME ITSELF.
HER EYES LIKE THE STREETS, ALL SHE CAN SEE IS THUG LYFF
HER OMNIPRESENT,OMNISCIENT,ALL POWERFUL COOLNESS LOWERING YOUR SELF ESTEEM BEYOND RECOGNITION AND WITHOUT HER WEARING DARK SUNGLASSES.
#queengang #dye4daqueen #hailqueen
#fanboy
hiimcloudy: Where's the TLDR...?
markyminkk: One of the rare times where I actually looked for it too...
Sorry OP, I have no idea what you're saying.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406688328 | 1406694527 | t3_2c3tjj | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by threatening to assault a customers mother
Monday was my last day working in a call centre for the summer break, I had planned on working right up until the end of August when my contract ran out but last week got my notice of redundancy as the workload dried up. (Government office so we had a peak in calls for the summer, you work it out.)
Since I was losing my job, the past week I've been slacking off a bit more than usual and just enjoying my time with the friends I've made – so goofing about, trying to make each other laugh whilst with customers and just having general fun.
Was on a call with a customer and while they were explaining their issue one of the guys sitting beside me began trying to make me laugh. Started my mocking what I was saying, poking me in the ribs then dragging me on the office chair away from my desk – all whilst I'm speaking to a customer. I usually have my mic muted during this but seeing as I wasn't really paying too much attention to the call and was keeping composed... didn't this time, FML.
Eventually the joking got too much and I flipped out at my colleague letting slip, "Would you f&*king stop that right now or I'll slap your mum round her saggy f&*king face!" ...customer responds, *"Excuse me?!"* ohshit, realisation hits, mic wasn't muted, just threatened to assault customers mother, abandon call, make no record of it, no one ever speaks of it again. Couldn't get out of there quick enough at the end of my shift.
**TL;DR – Didn't mute mic at call centre job, inadvertently threatened to assault a callers mother.**
caffeinefueled: well there you have it folks
the government can slap your mom around and there's nothing you can do about it!
Sturgill53:
>the government can slap your mom around and there's nothing you can do about it!
Tell us something we don't already know.
| 3 | 4 | |
1406693654 | 1406724479 | t3_2c41f9 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Acidic_Anus: TIFU by getting acid on my asshole
I am back home from college for the summer. I decided to take advantage of the free time by taking summer classes in my town's community college. As such, I am gone all morning and for a better part of the afternoon. My mom is a stay at home mom and takes pride in keeping the house spotless.
I was away at school longer than usual to study and make up for an test. It went very well, except for the fact that I had been prairie dogging for a better part of the exam. I have an issue with using the public restroom, especially when I have to empty the gas pipes. I made my way to my car and drove home, bowels 'a' bubblin'. I got home, gave a quick hug and hello to my sweet mom, then rushed off to the bathroom.
The release of letting it all go is a relief. You can just feel lighter. As I dropped what felt like the last giant turd, I felt it. The dreaded splash back. It hit me right on the downstairs kisser, bullseye. A pretty good sized drop, from what I could tell. I brushed it off and thought "Gross. But at least its the water from my own house." And went about my business. However, only just a few seconds after splash back I began to feel a slow burn. As I questioned what the hell was going the intensity jumped about 10 notches. Panicked and confused I scrambled to get some toilet paper to try and wipe whatever it was off of my poor flaming asshole. But that made it worse by spreading some of it around. Thinking the worst was happening to my butt, I threw off my clothes and jumped in the shower. Worried of getting it on any other part of me, I was careful as I tried send the aid of H2O to my wounded anus.
The pain didn't completely go away, but I figured it was just residual pain of getting my pooper torched. I got out of the shower and was still completely confused on what the fuck had happened. That's when I saw it, a bottle of Muriatic Acid. My innocent unsuspecting bung hole had received a kiss from good ole HCl.
I had seen that bottle many times before, it was what my mom used to get the toilet bowl super fucking clean. I talked to her about it after and it had confirmed my suspicions. She apologized profusely and explained that she used the acid on the bowl and had forgotten to flush it after she was done. I came home not too long after. She felt really bad about the whole thing. I thank my lucky starts that the acid was already diluted with the water in the bowl. I felt fine a few hours after. But my mom will go to extremes to get her house spotless, so who knows just how much she poured in there.
TIFU, by not checking my surroundings, forgetting that my mother is insanely serious when it comes to getting her house clean and blindly taking a shit.
*I should add that when I got home my mom was mopping the floor and other cleaning products were out on the sink. Plus, the small window of the bathroom was open, the dehumidifier (?) was turned on, and the fan was on full blast in the room the bathroom is connected to. So all the signs were there that she had been cleaning all day. But really, we both fucked up...
**tl;dr:** My mom and I both fucked up, and I got a raw asshole.
BrucesHairyballs: You didn't fucked up. You just had a painful and funny anecdote to tell at parties.
smokinporch: I don't think we go to the same kind of parties xP
| 3 | 4 | |
1406652909 | 1406698617 | t3_2c228u | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to put gas in my car.
So TIFU by trying to fill up my car at the gas station. This happened last night, I've never done anything this stupid. I went inside to get a snack and pay for some gas. I paid for the snacks and paid for the gas. On the way out a drunk lady who smelled really bad and dressed like a hooker approached me and asked for .50 cents. After I gave her some change she kept talking to me for a while, I didn't want to be rude and walk away or things to escalate so I let her ramble on. When I got to my car I drove off. When I arrived at my house a block away I remembered I did not pump the gas I paid for. I drove back really fast but my gas and money where already gone.
caffeinefueled: Did you speak with the gas attendant? im sure he could look up the pump records and do something for you, something similar happened to me a few years back I was exhausted getting home from work, paid for gas and drove off only to realize my gas light is still on 20 kms later.
the service attendant had a good laugh
alexhfl: I did :/ she was no help.
caffeinefueled: that sucks do you have a receipt or paid by credit/debit?
I would escalate this to a person of a higher authority, it would help a lot also if there's cameras that caught your interaction with the lady, I know there is one aimed directly at your car so they definitely saw you pay and drive off without filling up.
alexhfl: Yeah, the problem is that someone probably pumped the gas so it's like I gave someone free gas :\
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1406695983 | 1406769790 | t3_2c44p8 | t5_2to41 | 737 | ISawThingsNew: TIFU by not asking if she wanted to continue our conversation
...
TL;DR- Story as old as time (or at least airplanes). Guy sits next to cute girl on plane. Waits until plane lands to talk to her. End up having nice, but short conversation. Guy doesn't ask for number or anything afterwards. Etc. Etc.
grumpygooch: Hahahahahhaha hindsight you is such a genius, and he really likes to disassemble and pick apart everything you do. Showers are gonna be torture for the next few days.
Lucky you though, she goes to comic con, she knows what ti4 is, she reddits. If she doesnt though, you should probably sack up next time. The worst part is not knowing what she would have said. Also, there's /r/missedconnections.
ISawThingsNew: Isn't he though? You called it- showers, usually one of my favorite things, have been pretty much completely miserable.
Yeah- full disclosure, the off chance she reads this is fairly large part of the reason I posted it. I'm hoping at least feeling like I did something helps the regret a bit.
mods_ban_honesty: that's why you always go for the number / facebook
[deleted]: is it me or it is really easy to get a facebook and chat while get a phone number its really hard and... well, calling its the worse. All the times I had done that it ended badly.
Hehe, I remember the time I had een chatting with a girl, and now, I was going to call het to go to the theater to see a movie. So I call, and leave a message on the phone. With a really insecure voice. Then I think maybe the best would be to call her again, maybe she will answer this time. Nope... and i leave a second crappy voice messagge, hahahaha that happened for third time and GUESS WHAT? that girl never talked to me again hahahahaha omg I was 17 at the time...
fundayz: If you leave a voicemail (just once!) and the girl never replies it means she's not interested.
Girls hate making the first move but once they know there's no fear of being rejected by the guy and they like said guy, they *will* get into contact.
KillerBoredom: I think it's weird how many girls don't take the initiative to show/say that they like a guy. I guess the social stigma of seeming "desperate" is still a thing.
I asked my fiancé out when we met, and I'm a girl. lol
fundayz: Well it all stems from the fact that guys are, generally, less picky than girls when it comes to dating.
So while it's normal for men to get rejected and basically every man has to get used to it at some point in their lives, a woman being rejected is seen as a bigger put down.
It's stupid and I think everyone would benefit if it changed. It sure would be nice to make the only 50% of the time.
KillerBoredom: Jeeze, why are so many girls such butts? I don't really judge on appearance, to me if someone's personality is genuine, attraction happens.
fundayz: Evolution. Evolution is why.
In a majority of mammal species the males try to mate with as many females as they can while the females try to find the absolute best mate they can.
storiesarefun: Except for cats. Female cat gets in heat, can't help herself but roll pathetically on the floor yelling loud enough that the whole neighborhood hears it, then let's any male cat that wants to mount her. I always wondered if they have to compensate for this helplessness by being really bitchy to everyone when they're not in heat.
Can someone explain this to me?
fundayz: I can actually. Cats have evolved the remarkable ability to ovulate on demand during heat. Everytime they come into contact with a tomcat, the female can can release a few eggs to be fertilized by that particular mate.
This guarantees that she will have the most genetically diverse litter possible, ensuring that at least some of the kittens will survive. Most other mammals don't have this ability and must have their offspring from a single mate, and thus are more picky.
storiesarefun: Wow, thanks for explaining, that's interesting.
Still makes me sad to think that they don't seem to be able to have any choice, even if it makes sense.
fundayz: Most animals don't have a choice (including humans really). We do what our instincts tell us to.
storiesarefun: True. There just appears to be choice involved, while with cats there's not even that. Nature amazes me.
| 15 | 49.133333 | |
1406694726 | 1406870648 | t3_2c42yp | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Tifu by texting and driving
Well I lost my job yesterday so I spent all day today applying at places all over town.
On my way home it happened. 4 houses from mine I got a text with a job offer from an old friend. I started reading, then looked up to see a cat running in front of me. I swerved, then boom. I crashed in to my neighbors mailbox- and not just your ordinary mailbox. This fucking thing was custom built with stone blocks from the ground up.
I spent most of today on the phone with them and my insurance company sorting it out, and the front end of my car is ruined.
I can't afford to pay the $500 deductible to fix my car, but at least they will be covered. Anyway, don't text and drive!
youneedmyopinion: OP DO YOU LIVE IN TEXAS?
Ultimaweaponn: No, AZ. Why?
youneedmyopinion: This happened to my friend the same day. Some kid texting and driving hit and destroyed their stone mailbox... I just thought it would have been funny if that person had been you and I just happened to see it.
Ultimaweaponn: That makes me feel so much better, thank you fuck face.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1406691608 | 1406700973 | t3_2c3ykc | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing a two year old to trip down a flight of stairs
So ten years ago I went to a party with my family. It was a baby shower for this one person I didn't know and there was plenty of kids. Me being the stupid child that just reached double digits told a two year old girl to always use the handrail while walking next to the wall. Two minutes later all the adults are surrounding the girl who was bleeding from her head. We got her taken to the hospital and she got stitches and everything. No one knows it was me....
(not that bad of a fuck up but I still did)
Edit: So some people were confused by me not actually mentioning what she did. She copied me and walked next to the wall.
captn_morgans_gurl: I don't understand. How'd she get hurt using the handrail?
michellexkarma: Assuming she couldn't reach and fell?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406700991 | 1406702714 | t3_2c4aob | t5_2to41 | 98 | tacosforeveryjuan: TIFU by opening the door
EDIT: I've made this post "sexier" by adding more detail to what I witnessed, with a little more sexiness to her description. Its currently 3:43 am. I've jerked off in the bathroom at this point and I'm awaiting confrontation tomorrow morning during breakfast. I'll give another update then.
UPDATE: Okay. So after not getting much sleep last night, I thought about different scenarios that could happen. Well, when I go downstairs, I see her sitting down on her phone. She doesn't make any contact whatsoever. So awkwardly we eat pancakes in silence right next to each other. Obviously thinking about last night.
Finally, she asks me why I didnt knock, and I tell her how I needed the charger and how we thought she was at a party and whatnot. She laughed, and started playing with my hair. She said she knows I do it to, and I made a joke saying at least I'm more careful about it. Again, she laughs and she says she doesn't really regret it because she takes no shame. And if I were to walk in again, she wouldn't care if I saw or not, but couldn't watch.. SO ITS NOT A TIFU ITS A HUGE WIN IDK IF THATS AN INVITATION OR NAAAH BUT IT SHLOUNDS PRETTY GOOD. WE MADE S JOKE ABOUT THE WHOLE THING AND I GUESS SHE DOESNT HATE ME OR WANTS TO IGNORE ME
I was at my friends house, chilling, watching TV, and browsing reddit as always. My laptop was running low on battery, so I ask him where his Apple charger is so I can use it. He says its in his sisters room, and I can go ahead and get it because she wasn't home, but at a party. (His sister is a solid 10.huge ass,big tits,long blonde hair,wears tight clothes. she's the easily the sexiest girl in our grade. and she's super popular at school) basically, your average high school preppy chick that you've whacked off too numerous times in the past, but will never get the chance to get with...As I open her door to get the charger, I'm greeted by her laying on the floor, in nothing but stockings and white converse, spread eagle, exposing everything, with a vibrator sticking out of her vagina. I got a great view of her playing with her perfectly proportioned tits and her tight,hairless, pink vagina with the purple vibrator inside her. Obviously, I wasn't expecting seeing her like that, and she wasn't expecting me walking in on her mid moan.
So she ends up shrieking, alerting her brother, who comes rushing into the room. By this point she's scrambling to put on something to cover herself.
By the time her brother got there, she was naked in bed, sweating, panting, and still very much aroused, trying to explain what she was doing, while the wet vibrator was still buzzing around on the floor next to my foot...
The worst (or best) part is I have 5 classes with her this year.
TL;DR walked into friends sisters room to get charger, see her masturbating, she freaks out, and I have to see her 5 hours every day during school.
BeastModeBot: Op change the ending plz
tacosforeveryjuan: Plz explain what I must change BeastModeBot!!!
BeastModeBot: Make it...sexier
tacosforeveryjuan: Done?
BeastModeBot: Saved. Thanks OP
| 6 | 16.333333 | |
1406699699 | 1406776873 | t3_2c497d | t5_2to41 | 1,176 | PM_MEDAT_PERSONALITY: Tifu by being a deaf dumbass
This is more of a "thirteen year old me fucked up"
A little backstory; I was born deaf. That can come with it's own set of problems, and one of them is making "noises". Now, the only indication to myself that I am making noises is that there's a vibration deep in my throat.
Hum for a minute. Feel that? That's the only way of knowing that I'm making sounds.
Twenty six year old me looks back at this and wants to shrivel up and die.
So, there I am, thirteen, just discovering porn and masturbation. I have three sisters, and my parents in my house at the time. I'm sitting in my room looking at a porno magazine.
It happens to be September eleventh, 2001. For those who need to be informed, that's the day of the twin tower attacks.
My whole family is sitting around the tv, horrified, and I'm upstairs in my room stroking it.
Afterwards, I come downstairs for some water, because for some reason, my throat really hurts!
As I come downstairs, I see my whole family staring at me as if I've slaughtered a goat.
I look to the tv just in time to see a replay of the second plane smashing the tower.
My dad signs to me: "you were loud" and it all cums together. I know why my throat is parched, it's because I've been orgasming at the top of my lungs. To top it all off, 9/11 is happening right in front of my eyes.
In a desperate attempt to make up for what no doubt sounded like yells of intense pleasure, I sign to my dad: "I love die hard 2".
ThatThingUForgot: I laughed so hard at the end of this story and now i feel like a bad person.
[deleted]: Don't worry he couldn't hear you
poorlydisguisedninja: HHHEEEEEEYYYYYYYOOOOOO!
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: When did this become a thing?
| 5 | 235.2 | |
1406699782 | 1406705786 | t3_2c49az | t5_2to41 | 3 | Blinkypie: TIFU by not putting two and two together
This is a fuck up that has haunted me for years even though this happened about ten years ago in high school. Names have been changed. I lived in a fairly small town; however the high school was pretty big, about 2,500 students. Whenever something major happened in school, people would know about it. Lots of stupid stuff happened such as a kid swallowing the glowing part of a glow stick and having to get his stomach pumped. However, one incident sticks in my mind. There was a girl in my science class named Christa. She was shy, but friendly. She was always with her friend, Jason. I thought they were dating since they were together a lot, but I later found out she was a lesbian. She was closeted, but as high school rumors go, everyone knew about her.
For quite a few days, Christa was absent. I never thought anything of it, but for that week, Jason was not his talkative self. During that week, another rumor spread the school that a girl got pushed into the guys’ bathroom and beat up for being a lesbian. I was shocked about such action taking place. Several days later, Christa returns to class. She looked tired so I don’t converse with her. The next day, Jason, Christa, and I are chatting during our break during class. When the conversation seems to get a little dull, I fuck up. I ask the question: “So, did you guys hear about the girl who got beat up in the classroom?” They look at each other, and then look at me. Jason has a sad look on his face, while Christa looks at me with raised eyebrows. Then, it hit me. I have never felt so terrible before. I slink back to my chair. I later apologized and she forgave me but I still felt horrible. The three of us still talked during class after that day. However, I never heard from her or Jason again after that school year.
TL; DR- Inquired about a rumor to a victim without even knowing she was involved.
[deleted]: I'm pretty sure I've said worse things without even realizing it. It's high school, it's fine, you didn't mean to hurt her purposely and you even apologized.
Blinkypie: She knew I didn't mean it. I think I was more shocked that the rumor was true :(
| 3 | 1 | |
1406704326 | 1406743822 | t3_2c4e6q | t5_2to41 | 19 | buellcrush: TIFU, well today it was my kids breaking into a school.
Mark_This_Down: Yeah the kids suck not the parents who let their 12 and 7 year olds out with spray paint.
buellcrush: I'm not going to justify my parenting to you. Kids need a certain degree of freedom to succeed or fail. To clarify my 7 year old was involved for one simple reason, he was there. He actually did not do anything wrong accept follow his brother. It happened at 9:15pm and the kids were to be home at 9:30. I pay really close attention to my kids actually. This will surely be a lesson learned the hard way for them.
Mark_This_Down: Paid enough attention there didn't you, do you really give a 12 year old the freedom to break in?
buellcrush: When your kids, assuming you have some, go out to play with their friends or go to the neighborhood park for a couple hours do you hold their hands the whole time? You can't build trust by having a microscope up their ass all the time. Truthfully if you're to overprotective as their growing up detachment at an older age is going to be much harder for them although at that point since they were so hovered over as kids they might just go do all the bad things as an adult that you tried to protect them from as kids.
Mark_This_Down: No but I wouldn't let them become pieces of shit who vandalize and break into schools.
buellcrush: Haha, one issue and all of a sudden they are pieces of shit. Hmmmmm, can't think of anything smart to say, well then let's just call them pieces of shit...
Mark_This_Down: Do good people break into buildings and draw dicks on schools?
buellcrush: To answer your question...yes. Is it only bad kids that make bad judgment calls from time to time and have impulsive behaviors?
Mark_This_Down: What if someone kills once, he shouldn't be put away for that, everyone makes a bad call from time to time.
liquid_j: Ah yes, another child on the well documented slope from prepubesant property damage to murder. I bet you're fun at parties.
Mark_This_Down: Breaking in is worse than property damage.
liquid_j: OP said they split as soon as the alarm went off... all they did was break a window/lock... that's property damage... they didn't go in there and weaponize ebola or crucify that ginger kid down the road.
Mark_This_Down: Yeah because the plan was to break one window.
liquid_j: have you ever even met a 12 year old boy? Maybe you've just seen them in pictures. I don't think planning had anything to do with it.
Mark_This_Down: I have been a 12 year old boy, so there is that.
liquid_j: And you never did anything stupid then? Not once?
Mark_This_Down: Yeah but I didn't try to break in, but I was smart enough to make a plan for the dumb shit I did, dumb shit I did was planned, so either these kids are dumb or shitheads.
liquid_j: really? you planned every stupid thing you did? sounds like a boring childhood
Mark_This_Down: Yeah I had a boring childhood because I didn't break into schools and did dumb shit unplanned. Fucking dickhead.
| 20 | 0.95 | |
1406705589 | 1406706189 | t3_2c4ffj | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my ex-girlfriend.
So we have been broken up for awhile, over a year, and we were doing our own thing up until very recently. Not too long ago she broke up with her previous bf and started talking to me again. We've hung out but never went beyond embracing each other until tonight.
It was different tonight because we were both drunk and full of loose morals. We started to get frisky, after being playfully intimate with each other all night, and it naturally led to sex. Not too long after that she pushed me off in a fit of rage and ran out the door and rushed home. Obviously I was curious and distraught and called her numerous times to no avail until she texted back essentially blaming me of taking advantage of her! Its just so insane since the entire night was completely mutual up until the very end. I'm not worried of her charging me with anything, as I only acted accordingly, but I am hurt that she thought of me in that manner and it simply sucks.
P.S.: Sorry for the typos, I am on my phone.
MeeHoe: Bummer. It takes two to tango.
steezefabreeze: I used that very phrase. Its just so hard to understand what she wants, I guess I should probably let it all be.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1406706080 | 1406797874 | t3_2c4fuo | t5_2to41 | 159 | EYEKILLU187: TIFU by stealing the microphone from the singer during a concert
So me and my friend decided to go see "Blood on the Dance floor" live (don't judge me, it was her idea), and upon arriving at the concert we noticed that getting to the front row wasn't going to be an easy task.
However, after a lot of pushing, bumping, and threats of physical violence we managed to arrive close enough to were we could practically feel the singers ego emanating off of him. Anyways, by the time we arrived there, the concert was nearly over, but I was still hyped up and ready to maybe get the chance to be pulled onto the stage or something cool like that.
When they announced their final song, I was beginning to lose hope, but as if a beam of light shined down upon me, during the final chorus of the song, the singer held out the mic, solely to me, and me alone. At this moment pride practically consumed me, as my friend (who actually likes the band, unlike me.) stared at me jealously.
But then, apparently little Icarus flew too close to the sun, and my mind decided to think that the singer was gifting me with the mic (it was the end of the last song after all, so I figured that he was giving it to me as a going away gift). However, after ripping the mic from his palms, terror shook through me as I realized that all of the band members, including the singer had stopped what they were doing on stage and looked at me in confused, yet angered faces. I turned only to see everyone around and behind me staring as well, as if some cat had strayed into the dog pound. Another wave of horror came across me when I just realized that I took the mic from him in the middle of the final chorus. Awkwardly, I place the mic to my mouth without thinking and decide to finish the song with the lyrics that I had deciphered from hearing the song only once. After finishing the lines with my strange singing voice, I awkwardly hand the mic back to him, only to get dirty looks from everyone as we walked out of the venue.
So yeah, apparently he was only holding it out to me, so I could help him with the lyrics, I guess we had different view on the topic.
TIFU by almost ruining a concert because I thought the singer loved me... I was wrong.
Drkhazix: you should've said "fuck her right in the pussy"
SirDigbyChknCaesar: It was the perfect chance for an audio "Dickbutt".
i8urdog: "fuck her right in the pussy"
| 4 | 39.75 | |
1406706981 | 1406741678 | t3_2c4gp4 | t5_2to41 | 14 | General_Georges: TIFU by asking my girlfriend if she just sprayed on bug spray...
So my girlfriend and I are traveling throughout Italy. This happened a few minutes ago.
TIFU by asking my girlfriend if she had just sprayed on bug spray...
Turns out it was perfume.
I tried to cover it up by saying "That's why the bug spray smelled so good". To which she responded "Go take your shower..."
I laughed so hard and knew I had to post this here. Quickly posting this before showering.
Ooops! TIFU lol
Legal_Rampage: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: *Camping*, a bold new fragrance from Calvin Klein.
A perfume that makes you smell like you just came back from roughing it in the great outdoors.
shadowsaround: Slogan "Release your wild side"
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1406707851 | 1406721643 | t3_2c4hgh | t5_2to41 | 11 | Mr__Rager__69: TIFU by talking to my ex when i was drunk
Me and this girl really had it going on we almost got married but shit happened and went our own separate ways she's now in the army and lives all the way across the world In Korea I thought I would chat with her for a bit just like friends but then all of the feelings that I had for came back because I was drunk she sent me a few nudes and that did it for me I was head over heels for this girl again until she told me were better off as friends I went off on her and I told her I never wanted to speak to her now I'm sitting here on my couch shedding a few tears listening to our song on repeat drunk as fuck wishing I could disappear
Stachlan: Worst tifu ever
mods_ban_honesty: tifu by getting nudes sent to me..wut
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406702456 | 1406744069 | t3_2c4c8n | t5_2to41 | 8 | ULiKaDaJuice: TIFU By Rushing into a relatioship
Oh Reddit when will I learn to trust my instincts..
Background story time:
I've been single/ Dating for the past year and a half and all my dates have been terrible absolute train wrecks so at most they would either lead to a psycho stalker or a desperation One night stand
Now to the present fuck up:
So I met this girl on a blind date and things were magical seriously I got butterflies and all the things that happen with lust or love at first sight. We Started hanging out since the beginning of the month and probably spent our first night together 4 days in and I didn't think things couldn't get any better I decided that I wanted to make it official. I did everything made a post on facebook and everything. 2 weeks later she tells me She got accepted into a grueling masters program and wont have anytime for the relationship.
Now the fuck up here Is my rushing into something that I would of been less hurt If i didn't move so fast but damn does this suck
PIRATEghost85: Dude just tell her you will be there to help her with the stress...
Pick it up after her masters is done, itll be worth it.
ULiKaDaJuice: I Did when she was giving me the break up speech
PIRATEghost85: I mean like you can be a booty call.
Better than nothing.
| 4 | 2 | |
1406711681 | 1406714563 | t3_2c4kr2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a racist joke.
So a few weeks ago me and some friends where in the train station and one of my friends claim to be speaking fluently Japanese, so i just said i could speak abit Japanese, so not thinking i just yelled out "Ching chong" and my friends face just turned completely red and he looked really scared so i was thinking what is wrong, i look behind me and i see this very old Japanese lady saying something in Japanese to me.
Im in shock not knowing what to do, she takes a huge stick and starts hitting me with it, and she hat this little handbag and she pulls out a 4 inch knife and starts swinging it in the air and she was still yelling at me. So i just ran away, and my friend told me the next day that she said she was goin to slice of my manhood and eat it.
TL:DR - Made a racist joke and was threatend with a knife.
ImTrollin_TheyHatin: That's very rude. Ching Chong is Cantonese not Japanese.
How ignorant and inconsiderate of you. No wonder the old lady was offended by your lack of distinction of Asian diversity
WastedBehemoth: I thought it didn't mean anything. Thought it had no litteral meaning, but was just stereotypical racism
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406713138 | 1406753746 | t3_2c4m06 | t5_2to41 | 218 | [deleted]: TIFU by shooting my tv with an arrow.
First of all this was a terrible and stupid mistake on my part. It all started when I found my old bow and arrow that I got from a local store a few months ago. I was excited and began to fire arrows at cardboard boxes I had set up as targets. throughout the whole experience I found myself getting better and better at hitting targets, so I began to make smaller targets such as empty plastic cups and aluminum cans.
Now to the fuck up. I had begun to quickly run out of targets to shoot and started to become bored. As I was turning around to place the bow on my bed I spotted an empty can of coke on my desk, right in front of my tv. I don't know what possesed me to do it, but I raised my bow and fired at my new found target.
As fate would have it, this would be the first shot that I had missed. the arrow slams into the center of my tv, missing the fucking can by an inch and totally shattering the goddamn screen. It took a minute for me to realize what the fuck my dumbass self had done and once the full realization hit me, I began to laugh at the sheer stupidity of what I had just done. Now I'm typing this on my phone and thinking of what to tell my mother when she gets home.
The worst part is that I also used my tv as a PC monitor.
Fuck.
EDIT:I see that a few of you are asking for pictures of the TV. I unfortunately cannot provide any due to immediately throwing it out to erase evidence of the crime. I told my mom that I gave it to a friend and going to order a new one lol. I'm sorry if you don't believe me, but I hope some of you got a good laugh out of my stupidity. Have a good day Reddit!
I_Will_Try_More: Should have painted your TV bright orange.
MikeOxsbig: That wouldn't have stopped Dick Cheney.
eiddieeid: OPs Mom: "why the hell did you shoot the TV"
OP: "Thought it was a deer."
maxsmart01: OP: But Mama, it was coming right at me!
| 5 | 43.6 | |
1406710401 | 1406741671 | t3_2c4jnw | t5_2to41 | 13 | Chandlerchan: TIFU By Getting Scammed By 419
So today I decided to put my Xbox one on craigslist for $500 with games and accessories, I had numerous calls and text about trades for things like: an iPhone , lawn mower, paintball gun, and sub-woofers. I denied all of them and a guy texted me saying that he would pay me $600 for shipping and everything. I figured, "Okay, what could go wrong?" It was a little odd at first seeing someone pay over the initial amount. I then get emails saying he had sent me $600, but it wasn't from the actual Paypal people it was by the name.
service@intl.paypal.com or the email trackedagent11@in.com.
(Note: The real PayPal is: service@paypal.com )
Of course I acted without thinking and we sent it this morning and the "buyer" never gave me actual money. Because he had suggested USPS, there's no way I can intercept it. So, $600 gone and I have no way of stopping it and now I'm stressed. PLEASE DON'T LET THIS BE YOU!
Image links
Email: http://i.imgur.com/6CujmHE.png
One of the texts: http://i.imgur.com/Doh6wmJ.jpg
tl;dr: Sent stuff to Nigeria, lost everything.
Acetius: Sending something to Nigeria wasn't the ***biggest fucking red flag to ever exist*** for you?
[deleted]: OPs friend here. Once he told me it was from Nigeria. [I said.] (http://i.imgur.com/TpOGV20.png)
Then I proceeded punishing him with [this] (http://imgur.com/192Ce26) and [this (video)] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccIzZS_wD6U).
Also the OP is new to Reddit so he may not update the post, but they sent back the package due to the shipping address being weird. *He is the luckiest man I know.*
Edit: Spelling
Acetius: Well that was about the cringiest video I've ever seen.
[deleted]: Yup. After that, I stopped punishing him.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1406718505 | 1406742923 | t3_2c4qtz | t5_2to41 | 883 | Holy_Shit_Its_Bad: TIFU by meeting her parents with my shirt off
Holy shit guys. I feel so fucking awful.
I'm working away from home for the summer. During a fit of boredom one day (and after reading, ironically enough, the Tinder horror stories AskReddit thread), I downloaded Tinder. Eventually I matched with a pretty chill girl who I've been hanging out with a lot over the past week. Nothing super crazy - we went out on a few dates and came back to my place to chill. I have a roommate who doesn't go out much so we never have too much time to be alone together.
Tonight, though, I was at my apartment watching some Vsauce. I passed out on the couch and woke up around 3:30 AM. When I picked up my phone, I had two missed calls from this girl. So I said, "fuck it, why not" and called her back. She had been out with some friends that night and tells me how she had missed me and that she was horny. My natural instincts kick in, and without much convincing, I go to her place to pick her up. At this point it's close to 4 in the morning. We can't go back to my place since I share a room with my roommate, so it's the back of the car for us. I should mention at this point I'm parked directly across the street from her house. It's a pretty dark street, though, and easy to hide. We have a little fun together, I do my thing for 15 seconds, and then she gets ready to go. At this point I have my pants back on, but not my shirt, which has been used to clean up some... fluids. She opens the door to my car and, without any reason or warning, my fucking car alarm goes off at full blast. We look at each other like one of us had just stepped on a landmine. At this point I'm groping my keys for any sort of mechanism to unfuck this situation. Now it doesn't matter if the street was dark. The car had all of its lights on. We were both in plain view in the back of the car. She runs out, I run around to the driver side door, and then I see it. Her dad, standing menacingly in the now-open doorway. He's the kind of guy who doesn't take any shit, and runs a tight ship at his Chinese restaurant. And then here I am. No shoes. No shirt. Standing in front of my car with horn blaring every second, furiously mashing buttons and hitting things, trying to get it to stop.
The driver-side door opens. I get in, start the car, kill the alarm, and get the fuck out of there. Only the windows are impossible to see out of from the steam. And when I got in my car, the door didn't close all the way. So I'm half-naked, driving my car down a street with windows that are fogged up to the point of not being able to see out, on top of having all the lights in the car turned on. I almost run into a parked car on the side of the road. I turned the corner, and after the adrenaline wore off, I realized how fucking awkward I just made this poor girl's life. She had to walk out of my car, across the street to the front door where her father was waiting.
I guess I didn't really meet her parents with my shirt off. I did see her dad while I wasn't wearing a shirt or shoes, though.
It's 6:04 right now. I have work in 3 hours, but I feel so terrible for her that I can't sleep. I sent her a text apologizing, but holy shit I just made her life so much harder. Hopefully her parents wouldn't be able to tell that she had weed earlier that night.
**EDIT (10AM)** FUCK. SHE LEFT HER PHONE IN THR CAR. That's the only way I have to contact her. So I can either
1. Stop by her house, where her mom is, to drop it off
2. Stop by the restaurant she works at when she goes to work, which her dad owns
3. Hope she responds to Facebook messenger
4. Give up on life and join my friends on riding the rails
**OP DELIVERS (6PM)** I'm still alive. Her Asian father hasn't found me... yet.
I tried to meet up with her over lunch, but when I went over to her place, neither her nor her mom (fortunately) was home. In a way, that made things worse. It was impossible to focus when I got back to work. Her phone was dead by this point. My code wouldn't compile. Things were bad.
Fortunately, she found a way to send me a message through Tinder without her phone. Turns out she went to the lake with some friends today. She agreed to meet up with me at 4 to get coffee. So I went out and got flowers (bitches love flowers), drove up to her place, and picked her up. She felt just as awful about the whole thing as I did (the flowers probably helped). We were both exhausted, so the coffee was a nice pick-me-up. We made some casual conversation, and apparently she's been in more embarrassing situations than that, just not in front of her parents. Speaking of which, they haven't blown up on her... yet. Her mom did sent a pretty scathing text saying (among other things) that she pulled a "whore move", though.
So right now, I'm just playing everything by ear. I've only got one week left in town before my internship is over. This girl has been super chill about everything. She's a fucking boss.
ChicBrit: Did you mean 15 minutes rather than seconds?!!
Holy_Shit_Its_Bad: I... uh... yes, definitely.
rob_var: lmao be proud of those 15 seconds OP
I like to believe she could only take 15 seconds cause you are too good
I believe in you OP!
PIRATEghost85: 15 seconds is all she needs, because he's so intense.
fasterthanphaq: 15 seconds in heaven is better than 14 seconds in heaven
propper_speling: If you were a huge evil organization, you'd take steps to try and make sure your PR Reps made you look squeaky clean and attractive, right?
Welcome to Heaven.
| 7 | 126.142857 | |
1406715034 | 1406750361 | t3_2c4non | t5_2to41 | 8 | Vicero: TIFU by getting a girls number
English is not my first language and recently in English class we had to do pronunciation exercises in couples and I got paired with this really - really hot girl. So we were doing these exercises and I say (in English) "What's your number?" and I kid you not, she actually gave her phone number. I thought that was just too funny. I could barely hold my laughter at this point so I stopped her and told her I meant to do the exercise. (Thanks brain...) She was really embarrassed but she was cool about it. She gave her number anyway. We texted for a while but I never got the hint. I was oblivious to her 'interest' in me because I thought she was way out of my league.
LPT: Don't stop a good thing when it's happening to you.
hxcrichard: Yea, if she was interested ahe may still be. Also, LTP?
Vicero: Yes why not Learn from my fuck up? She moved out of town and she had a bf
hxcrichard: I was asking what ltp meant
Vicero: Life tip pro... obviously
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1406720950 | 1406778626 | t3_2c4t94 | t5_2to41 | 5,217 | TheBestBoi: TIFU by rarely changing my bedsheets the last 2 years
This isnt your average TIFU, as it has happened over the course of 2 years.
I never really thought about bedsheets, or cared for that matter, so I didnt end up changing them a lot. Id maybe leave them unchanged for up to a month at a time.
Ive discovered I have really sensitive skin - and for the past 2 years my self confidence have been really low because of pimples and bad skin.
So when I finally started to fucking change the sheets every 3 days, with no other changes in my routine, my skin is clearing up every day. The pimples are about 75% gone. Wish I woulda thought of this before, 2 years Ill never get back.
EDIT: The blowup doe! Im rich on karma! Riiiiich!!
PluckyWren: Plus, how good does it feel to sleep on clean sheets!
konxeptionz: It's like sleeping in lotion.
[deleted]: Woah, wait a minute... Did we just teleport to a five star hotel?
konxeptionz: The technology for teleportation hasn't been invented yet... you must be kind of stupid.
checkmate3001: If luxury linens was a drug dealer, I would have shot them in the face!
theresamerkel: TWO NINETY SIX? !?
PKA_In_My_Mouth: I almost slept on that shit!!!!!
WilsonTheWombat: 296 is sandpaper as far as I'm concerned!
PKA_In_My_Mouth: This is probably the greatest comment thread ever.
perrythebari: Upvotes all around!
0xym0r0n: I upvoted everyone except you. You ruined it perrythebari!!
perrythebari: Oh, darn, well I'll make up for it:
"Where are the rest of my threads?"
0xym0r0n: To be honest I'm a giant liar and I upvoted you too. :D
Now I'm going to downvote you so I can immediately upvote you again!
perrythebari: Thanks! I shall return the favor.
0xym0r0n: Alright buddy now I have you tagged as "Upvote all of this guys comments/posts"
You're not going to win this!!
perrythebari: Hahahaha. You know, real talk, you're the nicest redditor I've met.
0xym0r0n: Aww thanks! I'm gonna' puff my chest out for the next 3 minutes in pride.
| 18 | 289.833333 | |
1406722033 | 1406736877 | t3_2c4udd | t5_2to41 | 9 | officialhuman: TIFU By making a vodka and tonic
This happened last night (29.7.14), but I will try to give some context (it is my first ever post on reddit I have done my best to follow reddiquette but go easy if I messed up):
About 3 weeks ago it was my Birthday, and my girlfriend couldn't decide what to get me. In the end she decided to go online and order me a pair of Nike trainers, without paying any real attention to the website she was ordering them off. So it was a surprise to her when she had paid and then found out they need to ship from the US.
My Birthday also triggered a serious thought process in my mind about what I wanted to do with my future, whether or not I was happy in my job.... I basically had a mini-panic and realised time is ticking and I need to find my route to feeling fulfilled. For me, this means quitting my boring desk job and finishing off my music production diploma so that I can chase my dreams of getting involved in the music industry. So recently I handed in my notice at work and re-enrolled in my course full-time... I have been djing for 11 years and use a digital vinyl system that allows me to utilise my music library on my laptop. I also bought some production software too in preparation....
Anyway back to the fuckup....
Yesterday, she calls me to tell me she has to give me something, so after work she comes round to my place, with the new shoes.
Seeing as how she was at mine and had just given me a new pair of trainers, I asked if she wanted to stay for supper and stay the night. As I was cooking, she loaded up an episode of a tv series we have been watching on my Macbook Pro. I made her a Vodka and Tonic and then got back to cooking. Once supper is cooked and plated up, I asked her to get a lemon out the fridge. In doing so somehow she picks up her glass of vodka and tonic and drops it.......
all over my keyboard.
I rush over shouting "shit shit shit" and grab the laptop, turn it upside down and turn it off straight away.
She then has a tantrum and is clearly upset about what she has just done (accidentally, of that I have no doubt), but is otherwise completely unhelpful. I do my best to reassure her that it was only an accident and that the laptop will probably be absolutely fine!
It is not.
I have left it upside down all night to try and make sure the liquid didnt seep into the main circuitry, but as I was falling asleep I really think I heard a noise and saw a flash of light.... maybe I was half-dreaming, maybe it was the important stuff short-circuiting....
Anyway, needless to say this morning it does not turn on or show any signs of life at all. Screwing.
So thats my fuckup, just at the time where I am simultaneously out of work to go back to Studentsville, with no money to spare or prospects of money, and just when I am about to entirely depend on my digital record box and production station. I have to say to my credit, I handled it like a champ at the time, and didn't let her see that I was dying inside, but today the reality is hitting me that I am in a bit of a jam, and the realisation is going down about as well as a cup of cold sick.
I hope this story can re-assure others who have had a similar thing happen: you are not alone, but also because I have been really nice about it and I really needed somewhere to vent.... I'm thinking at least a couple of redditors may understand my frustration!!
TL;DR: Girlfriend comes round to give me new trainers, stays for supper, spills Vodka tonic on my laptop, which now doesn't work, just when I have quit my job to go into music production.
EDIT: Thanks for the downvote! Most kind!
Silverlight42: you only turned it upside down and expected it to dry overnight???
What you should have done was immediately turned it off, unplugged it if it was plugged in and removed the battery.
Then stuck it in a large bag of rice...
and not tried to turn it on for over 24hrs.
Then you mighta had a chance.
officialhuman: ahhh..... yeah what a nighmare! Unfortunately as its a 2009 mbp I didn't have the correct screwdriver at hand to take it apart and remove the battery! In addition, as it was an vodka and tonic water, I am given to understand that the impurities within the liquid are likely to render the device damaged anyway? although a friend of mine said the precise same thing that you did, so I suspect you are quite right... CURSE MY STUPID SELF. TIFU by not opening my laptop up, removing the battery, putting it in a bag of rice and leaving it turned off! I will be sure to heed your advice if lightning strikes twice though! thanks!
rob_var: just take out the hard drive, with it being a 2009 MBP its value was around 300 to 400 (US dollars) anyway and that's if it is without any major defects. My advice is to start doing side jobs on weekends to save up for a new or used computer then just get the stuff off the hard drive
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406723123 | 1406729284 | t3_2c4vm7 | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by lubing my lips
So to preface, I'm a musician who plays saxophone and clarinet. This means my house is full of [cork grease](http://static.music123.com/derivates/19/001/247/023/DV020_Jpg_Jumbo_471999.jpg) Like, that shit is everywhere. At the same time I am also taking medication that makes my skin dry as a side affect, meaning I need to constantly have lip balm on. Playing reed instruments limits my usage because balm ruins reeds, so my lips get pretty bad some times.
I was laying in bed last night, having just turned the lights out, when I realized that my lips were burning. I remembered that earlier in the day, I had put my balm on my desk and so got up to use it.
Nope. Cork grease.
TL;DR I'm greased to soak corks.
The_CT_Kid: >TL;DR I'm greased to soak corks.
TOTALLY reminded me of [this!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFN9Km9KFXU)
Dolens: I'd soak corks all night long, if they'd let me. Even two at once!
The_CT_Kid: My reaction to this comment is completely dependent on whether or not you have a vagina...
EmperorOfMeow: So much about an open-minded society!
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1406723611 | 1406729920 | t3_2c4w7j | t5_2to41 | 47 | unugeorge: TIFU by seeing my grandma doing a weird dance on the toilet
I am living with my grandparents, and I literally just came home from the seaside like half an hour ago.
The door was unlocked. Before I even took my sneakers off I checked the living room to greet my grandparents, but no one was there. I then looked towards the bathroom, and oh it was quite a sight.
My grandma was sitting on the toilet (luckily I didn't see any private parts), with her hands in the air like she didn't care, snapping her fingers, swinging to some non-existent rhythm, while smiling like a Cheshire cat and babbling something (but I couldn't hear anything). And all this while staring at the corner of the bathroom. I thought she was talking to my grandpa, but then I noticed he was dozing off in the bedroom.
She saw me, I looked away, and now we both know, but we pretend it didn't happen. I'm...really confused.
mfilosa17: I love how old people give zero fucks. It's a real inspiration.
unugeorge: True that. I can't wait to roam the streets naked!
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1406723867 | 1406725238 | t3_2c4wj2 | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking for my phone
Well this happened a minuet ago, I was looking for my phone in my parents closet (they took it away) in bunch of drawers when I found condoms. I don't want my phone anymore. Just want my memory of the last 5 minuets erased.
TIL: Even old people get it on and don't go through your parents *junk*
Update: My dad's home and I refuse to make eye contact.
[deleted]: When you saw condoms, your first thought was your parents having sex?
[deleted]: sadly.
| 3 | 0 | |
1406723895 | 1406773578 | t3_2c4wk2 | t5_2to41 | 164 | Danielo944: TIFU by chewing a piece of gum.
This happened last year.
Hastily on my way to class, I forgot to brush my teeth, and so I remembered I had a pack of gum that had been sitting on my dash.
I thumbed the pack open and noticed they were a little warm, but what the hell, it was still gum. I grabbed a piece and quickly got my things out of the car to head to class.
On my way to class, I noticed the gum had a strange consistency, sort of less chewy than normal. I thought nothing of it and sat down by my friends before lecture began.
A couple minutes passed and I could have sworn that the gum was melting in my mouth, but then I thought, "it wasn't in the heat for that long, it should be ok right?" Wrong, throughout the course of the lecture, my gum slowly turned into mush.
I tried to look for an opening, but I couldn't think of anything without looking suspicious.
All of a sudden I noticed that the professor had been calling my name, at this point the gum had started leaking out of the corner of my lips, and I said "fuck it" and booked it out of the classroom.
I went in the bathroom sink and spat out what looked like vomit, an orange, fruity smelling mixture of saliva and melted gum, and rinsed out my mouth. I was finally rid of the gooey monstrosity.
Before I left class, the professor motioned to me and I explained everything to her, she laughed her ass off and let me go on my way.
TL;DR: Chewed piece of gum, everyone thinks I have IBS now.
Kidnappingfreezers: The only gum I know of that does that is Juicy Fruit. But it's not orange.
Danielo944: Haha, it was Five gum.
HydraMC: Now that you mention it was five gum, this happened to me exactly, with the same exact detail. The gum melted in my mouth, and I was in a vehicle, with no way to get rid of my gum. So I had to swallow it. Oh the horror, and to top it off, it kinda slid down my throat. Later, I checked the package and it was expired by at least a month
FlowStrong: I work for 5. You should probably go see an oncologist. Damn industrial contaminants interfere with the gum arabic polymer.
ViperCodeGames: Could you expand on this please? Is this common because I too have had this happen to me on occasion and just figured I'd chewed the life outta that strip and swallowed.
KrustyKritters: If this happens you should contact a poison control center immediately. You ingested industrial contaminants.
glottal__stop: What? "Industrial contaminants" is very unspecific. You don't need a poison control center for slightly expired gum.
KrustyKritters: Slightly expired gum is not what these people are reporting. They all say it turned to nasty liquid goo and 5 gum knows the industrial contaminants dissolve the gum arabic polymer. When 5 gum people start dying off these people will be paid off by a class action lawsuit.
glottal__stop: Stop with the idiotic conspiracy theories. Gum arabic has been used for ages. There is nothing wrong with it.
I have been searching scientific journals for any possible studies on the bad effects of gum arabic and have come up with zilch. Just the opposite, I have found some studies showing the *medicinal* properties of gum arabic.
Here is an example of improving rats's kidney health: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23383316
Here gum arabic assisted in human weight loss: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23241359
Gum just tends to get gross like that after it has previously been under heat.
KrustyKritters: The fuck are you talking about? We're talking about industrial contaminants dissolving gum arabic in toxic quantities, not gum arabic being dangerous. You have two 5 gum employees talking about it here.
glottal__stop: Fine. Tell me what these "industrial containments" are.
KrustyKritters: The Rapid Alert System for Food and Feed (RASFF) received on 24 July 2007 a notification from the competent authorities of Switzerland concerning a finding of a serious contamination by dioxins and pentachlorophenol in guar gum originating from India. The contamination levels of dioxins and pentachlorophenol (PCP) found in certain batches of guar gum are very high (about 1000 times the level of what can be considered as normal background contamination).
In response to this finding of elevated levels of PCP and dioxins, the FVO carried out an urgent inspection visit to India from 5 to 11 October 2007. The inspection team concluded that there is to date insufficient evidence of the cause of the contamination incident, and the investigation carried out by the Indian authorities has been inadequate to provide any conclusions. With availability of sodium pentachlorophenolate and its use in the guar gum industry, and with a largely self regulated industry, there are inadequate controls in place to ensure that this contamination does not occur again.
Therefore, safeguard measures were necessary to protect public health. By Commission Decision 2008/352/EC of 29 April 2008 imposing special conditions governing guar gum originating in or consigned from India due to contamination risks of those products by pentachlorophenol and dioxins it is required that all consignments of guar gum or products containing guar gum at significant amounts originating in or consigned from India and imported into the Community intended for human or animal consumption, shall be accompanied by an analytical report, endorsed by the competent authority from the country where the laboratory which has performed the analysis is located.
A follow-up inspection mission of the FVO took place in India from 1-12 October 2009 to assess the control measures put in place by the Indian authorities to prevent contamination of guar gum with pentachlorophenol (PCP) and dioxins and to follow-up the recommendations of the mission that took place in October 2007.
Several serious deficiencies were observed during the mission and the findings indicate that the contamination of guar gum with PCP cannot be regarded as an isolated incident and that only the effective analysis by the approved private laboratory has prevented contaminated product being further exported to the European Union. There has been no improvement in the control system and no significant reduction in the risks associated. Therefore additional measures were necessarily to be taken requiring official sampling, analysis and certification by the competent authorities of India of all consignments of guar gum intended for export to the EU. Therefore the measures were reviewed and Commission Regulation (EU) No 258/2010 replacing Decision 2008/433/EC was adopted and is applicable as from 15 April 2010.
glottal__stop: Ehh...if they've made more strict standards since then I don't see how it is that much of an issue. Unless you are eating bowls of the stuff, you'll be fine.
And anyway, I'm having a hard time finding the types of gum bases 5 gum uses.
KrustyKritters: You sound young.
| 15 | 10.933333 | |
1406727542 | 1406863828 | t3_2c51ko | t5_2to41 | 611 | darkonmil: TIFU by not locking the bathroom door
It was about a year ago but I remember every detail of it. It was hot and in the summer, so a couple of my friends and I decided to go to an upscale cafe in order to have a drink and relax. I ordered an iced green tea frappe, and they served it in a large wine glass. Since it was hot outside, I thought it was a good idea to hold it with two hands to cool myself down faster. I applied too much force, and the glass shattered in my hand, sending glass everywhere, but mainly in my hand. Glass lodged in my hand, blood spilling everywhere, I ran to the bathroom while my friends took care of the mess back at the table.
I'm washing my hands in the sink, trying to take out pieces of glass in my hands, when I hear the door open. I turn around to see a woman with a horrified look on her face. I was so surprised that I screamed "I'm so sorry!"
She takes a few steps backwards, trips and screams, and everyone in the cafe is looking towards the bathroom to see a woman on the floor, and me, a man with blood all over his hands and a horrified look on my face. Next time, I'm going to lock the door.
TIFU by looking like I murdered a woman in public.
TheXEADragon: What the fuck how do you accidentally crush a glass in your hands? [OP](http://www.e-steroid.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/negative-effects-of-steroids.jpg)
darkonmil: i'm sure you could do it too with a glass wine glass. but trust me, you don't want to try
twatpire: We got some real "Of Mice and Men" shit going on here, Lennie.
TheXEADragon: But what about the rabbits, George?
Velocity_LP: *wabbits
ascrewywabbit: You rang?
[deleted]: shouldn't you be /u/ascwewywabbit?
ascrewywabbit: Yes, unfortunately when I created this name, my Fuddiness left me momentarily.
| 9 | 67.888889 | |
1406728870 | 1406744947 | t3_2c53mo | t5_2to41 | 260 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying I was attracted to little girls.
So this just happened about an hour ago, I thought I'd share.
So I work at X grocery store, and I'm only half awake since I just got there. I head in the doors of the store and turn the corner to go upstairs to clock in, I nearly run into a mother and daughter (probably about 12). I apologize and I am walking around them (though it is a narrow hallway), and the girl grabs my arm and puts it on her chest before I can pull away. I stop and stare at her, mouth agape, and she says, "Did you like that?"
Now I'm standing there, unable to form words when her mother gets right up in my face. "Did you just feel up my daughter, you sick bastard?" I did a lot of rambling and apologizing and the last phrase I used was, "I assure you, I am into girls a few years older than her."
This is the exact moment her OTHER daughter (I assume age 14) comes out of the bathroom. Girl A turns to me and grins, then says, "Well she's a few years older, what about her?" Their mother flips her shit, and starts screaming molester as loud as she can, floor managers showing up much faster than usual, so I vote to GTFO. I ran out the side door, got in my car, and drove away. I'm still a bit shaky, and expecting the police or something to show up any minute.
TL;DR I groped a 12 year old and said I was more attracted to her 14 year old sister.
TheXEADragon: The mother probably told her kids to do this hoping to get some sort of compensation.
Jasondazombie: /r/childfree for life
IndianJesus: >/r/crazypsychoticbitchfree for life
FTFY
Jasondazombie: Thanks
IndianJesus: No problem bb
| 6 | 43.333333 | |
1406727439 | 1406761221 | t3_2c51ex | t5_2to41 | 39 | freedomsaints: TIFU by spilling hot coffee on a small child
So yeah.. title says it all.
I was at Timmies (TimHortons) this morning buying my daily morning coffee. Once you order you need to stand on the side so other people can order. But heres the thing, theres usually about 3-5 people also waiting for their orders.
They hand me my coffee, I reach out to grab some napkins (over the childs head) from those fucking god awful napkin holders.. I pretty much lean over, trip and my coffee spills right out of my hand onto the child that was standing in front of me.
I'm at the office right now writing this, and I feel like a complete dick.. I mean who the fuck spills coffee on a fucking child!!!
makefords: And why is the child right under you(no pun intended),and unattended
[deleted]: After birth, the umbilical cord is usually cut so that the baby can eventually become its own being. This is why a child is not physically attached to a mother and may appear "unattended".
bwgsu: http://photos.vanityfair.com/2014/03/01/1393706232067_ah-life-of-the-party.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/UnhappySpanishGopher](http://gfycat.com/UnhappySpanishGopher)
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^(GIF size: 1.72 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:145.21 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1406729039 | 1406891276 | t3_2c53vh | t5_2to41 | 947 | Bertob_Pls: TIFU by curing my girlfriend of hiccups
Ok, so it was last night, we were sat cross legged on her bed playing games. Having been at work that day, she was a little tired out, and then began hiccuping out of nowhere.
She complained that it had been happening all day, on and off, and she was sick and tired of it. So I hatched a plan. I thought it was foolproof!
I waited for her to get engrossed in the game again, and fell silent, waiting for the opportune moment to shock her into losing her hiccups. Then, just as a dramatic pause in the sound occured, BANG! I let forth a burst-like yell. Success!
But then she jumped, turned to me, asked me "why did you do that?" and immediately burst into tears. I felt like I'd just kicked a puppy. :( I don't think I'll be doing that again.
It *did* cure the hiccups though.
GrammerNotsie: My mother has proven to me that she has the cure for hiccups. If you're going to help, don't take the make-them-poop-their-pants approach, which obviously didn't work for you. You just need to distract the person with the hiccups. For example, say something random like, "Hey, are you ever going to pay me back that 20 dollars I lent you?" The person with the hiccups eyes will widen, and they'll start thinking about when they borrowed the money. Stay on top of them if they ask questions like, "When did I borrow 20 dollars?" You should keep it going and play along as long as possible. "You remember, when we were out 2 weeks ago and you asked me for it." There will be a little back and forth, and then toward the end ask, "Do you still have the hiccups?" 99/100 times, they'll be gone.
sldyvf: What always cured me was my mom or dåd telling me that If I hiccup one Möre time, I would get 10€.
The urge of not falling for that trick again, or wanting to hiccup one Möre time. I don't know. It just works.
diggerB: > Möre
What's up with the accents...
Your "dahd" ? One "Moeuer" time?
Edit: Looking at your comment history I see that English is not your first language. I forgive you, probably autocorrect.
sldyvf: Yup. On my phone. Every word corrects itself to a Swedish one. So I have to undo every word. Some slip by I guess... I dont disable it since I mostly write in swedish. Still... It's a pain in the ass to correct every word.
aahrg: You can quickly change that if you have an android. There is a little button in the shape of a globe beside the spacebar that switches between languages.
Settings>Language and input>Input languages and check all the languages that you want to type in (swedish, english, etc.)
sldyvf: Aahrg! Why didn't I know of this!? I feel so stupid now. So many random umlauts... Who... I didn't mean to do it.
I feel so free now. Haha. Look! It actually corrects my wrongly typed words as well! Now I can drunkenly text all my international friends again! Huzzah!
You are my every day hero! Cheers!
Lugia_: Yeah, I thought it was like a polandball dialogue...
sldyvf: Of greetings! I äm not pölandball. I äm but Sverige citizen. Pleased to råkas!
Fika?
Lugia_: Are yuo of retarded communist? :P
Also, what does Råkas mean? Fika?
sldyvf: I meant "Pleased to meet you".
I believe my best explanation is:
* Råka = accidentally.
* Råkas = Accidentally meet someone.
And welcome to the thing people say is the most Swedish thing. The famous [Fika](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fika_\(coffee_break\))
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Fika (coffee break)**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fika%20(coffee%20break\)): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Fika__ is both a [Swedish](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swedish_language) [verb](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verb) and [noun](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noun) (pronounced "fee-ka") that basically implies "drinking [coffee](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee)", usually accompanied by something sweet. More recently, a more contemporary generalised meaning of the word, where the coffee may be replaced by [tea](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea) or even [juice](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juice), [lemonade](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lemonade), [squash](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squash_(drink\)) etc. for the children, has become widespread. In some social circles, even a [smörgås](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sm%C3%B6rg%C3%A5s) or a small meal may be denoted "a fika".
>In Sweden pastries in general (for example cinnamon buns) are often referred to as fikabröd meaning fika-bread.
>
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^Interesting: [^Break ^\(work)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Break_\(work\)) ^| [^Swedish ^cuisine](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swedish_cuisine)
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| 12 | 78.916667 | |
1406730037 | 1406749340 | t3_2c55fl | t5_2to41 | 12 | admin_sorry: TIFU By accidentally drinking my own mothers pee.
Earlier this morning I went to visit my mother to help her install some new bedroom doors in her basement(its a nice finished basement).
Anyways so I leave to go upstairs to go to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water but while i'm away I decide to smoke a cigarette with the old man, so i'm gone maybe 10 minutes or so. I grab a water and head on down and place my water bottle down on an office desk she has down there. I get back to work and I decide to go grab the water and take a chug. I freak out because whatever this is its not water and I spit it out everywhere.
Unknown to me that the previous night my mother was in the basement doing some work and had to use the bathroom, so instead of running upstairs to use the bathroom she decided to pee in a water bottle... that I had placed mine next to...
I told her and she couldn't stop laughing, I mean the bathroom wasn't even that far away. I learned a valuable lesson, always double check anything you're about to drink or eat.
also on a side note I just turned 25 earlier this month and she made a joke about this being the beginning of my quarter life crisis.
glynch19: Is your mother a roofer? Anyone on a construction site can confirm that roofers are disgusting. They pee off the roof or in bottles. One pooped in an air handling unit once. Cause why come down off the roof if you need to relieve yourself?
admin_sorry: Shes no roofer, she just sells IT equipment for a big firewall company. But if she was a roofer this would explain how this happened.
Realistik84: fuck - I probably work with her. Watching my water every IT event I go to
Who the fuck pisses in a bottle when their is a bathroom upstairs.
| 4 | 3 | |
1406686222 | 1406736533 | t3_2c3q2r | t5_2to41 | 4 | -Cicero-: TIFU by listening to music extremely loudly without headphones
Yeah....Heres the story
So I decided to browse Reddit while listening to some music. I put the speakers up pretty damn high and put my headphones in, but they were not plugged in. A few minutes later my dad comes in and is like, CICERO [He said my name but..uh, reddit name] TURN YOUR DAMN MUSIC DOWN! I was like, what? Then I realized oh shit. I also woke my baby brother up...and then my mom got pissed at me...that day my parents took away all forms of communication. This happened a few months ago. I also was using a laptop and i only had underwear on. My penis was pretty damn hot.
TL;DR, Put speakers on high while browsing reddit, got introuble, woke my baby brother up, parents pissed. Penis got hot. The usual of Reddit.
TheXEADragon: Was [this](http://youtu.be/ShmM3r2CMA0?t=1m36s) your reaction?
-Cicero-: I love that.
| 3 | 1.333333 |
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