start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1406729895 | 1406791937 | t3_2c556x | t5_2to41 | 260 | bamflax8: TIFU by wearing my favorite pants.
Today I fucked up by wearing my favorite pair of pants. They're are normal khakis, nothing special but they fit great and I can wear then to work or out at the bar etc.... My only issue with these pants is that the back pockets are unusually shallow and my wallet sometimes sticks out if I put it in the rear pockets which is why I usually keep it in my side pocket. I recently got one of those wallets that only has enough room for a few cards/id's since I don't often carry cash. Sometimes in a rush or out of old habit I'll slip my wallet into my back pocket without realizing.
As I came into work today I felt a sudden urge to take a massive poo and I rush to drop my bag off at my desk and then hurry to the restroom to take care of business.10 mins of struggling later I am relieved to feel the bubble guts have faded and I have won! I stand up to pull up my pants and as I do I hear a "Plop" sound. I turn and to my horror I see my wallet resting lazily on top of my freshly dropped turd. Like just sitting there staring me in the face laughing at me.
I finally build up the courage to fish it out and wash it in the sink. I wrap it in enough paper towel to stow away until I can sanitize any thing I would need to keep.
I need a new wallet.
Styrak: I don't get why a lot of guys keep their wallet in their back pocket. Just seems uncomfortable to me, and good way to get it possibly stolen.
thetannerainsley: What else are you going to use your back pockets for. In the back pocket a wallet is out of the way.
kallekilponen: I only keep paper tissues in my back pockets. Anything thicker would feel uncomfortable to sit on.
TheTallRussian: I keep my wallet in my back right. Phone in front right. And iPod in left front. So seems logical. Yet to lose my wallet
Flexible_Perplexity: Are you...me? That's *exactly* what I do.
Straan: Well, shit. So do I.
fadingremnants: Same... We must compare devices.
Cproo12: Holy shit. Same here.
I use a money clip, but you get it
| 9 | 28.888889 | |
1406730134 | 1406739542 | t3_2c55kr | t5_2to41 | 2 | awkwardhippos: TIFU by locking my keys in my car in the Planned Parenthood parking lot.
thursday_13: ...well, did they have one?
awkwardhippos: Actually yes....
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406730825 | 1406740769 | t3_2c56o6 | t5_2to41 | 75 | cant_always_be_right: TIFU by putting liquid fertilizer in the refrigerator.
My buddy and I are both amateur gardeners. We're always sharing tips and brainstorming ideas together. We usually share whatever we find success with. So, he's been using this organic fertilizer that he swears by and wants me to try out. When he drops it off, it's in an organic Iced Tea/Lemonade jar (he buys it in bulk and was dropping off a sample) and he tells me it needs to stay cold until it's used. Being that I have 2 kids and a wife, I get interrupted while I'm in the middle of whatever. So, after he leaves, in typical fashion, my son comes over to me with the latest emergency he needs my help with and I forget about the fertilizer. An hour goes by and as I'm getting ready to leave to run a few errands, I notice the sweating bottle of fertilizer sitting on my workbench in the garage. Hurriedly, I run the bottle back into the house and stick in the fridge (no label on the bottle besides the Iced Tea/Lemonde!). Upon returning home, I'm greeted by my wife and oldest son...and the bottle. Both my wife and son have very sour looks on their faces. "I think the Iced Tea has gone bad!" says my wife. "I gave some to <oldest son> and he says he thinks it's gone bad too."
:( FML
tl;dr Organic Feritlizer and Organic Iced Tea/Lemonade look very similar. Don't store them in the same fridge together in similarly labeled bottles or your wife/kids might drink them.
The_Opera_Guy: [Did you feed them the traditional organic fertilizer?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_soil)
cant_always_be_right: Human feces isn't organic.
Edit: Straight from the [certifying body](http://www.ams.usda.gov/AMSv1.0/ams.fetchTemplateData.do?template=TemplateN&navID=NOSBlinkNOSBCommittees&rightNav1=NOSBlinkNOSBCommittees&topNav=&leftNav=&page=NOPOrganicStandards&resultType=&acct=nopgeninfo):
"Organic crops. The USDA organic seal verifies that irradiation, sewage sludge, synthetic fertilizers, prohibited pesticides, and genetically modified organisms were not used."
The_Opera_Guy: >["Although night soil is a traditional organic fertilizer, /---/"](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Organic_fertilizer#Sewage_sludge)
I guess you just can't always be right...
cant_always_be_right: Just cuz wiki says it's so...right? You might be able to find a quote on the Internet that says what you want but, [here's how things work in the real word](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrew-kimbrell/the-obama-organic-family_b_224398.html)
Edit: Here's an excerpt from the article...
"Farmers who care about what they grow know this, and -- despite the best efforts of government and the sludge industry -- growing food in sewage sludge is prohibited under the federal organic regulations. Still, sludge is still widely used as a cheap alternative to fertilizer, and unless you're buying organic produce, it's impossible to know if the food you eat was grown in it."
| 5 | 15 | |
1406732480 | 1406736763 | t3_2c59ea | t5_2to41 | 41 | PeterPan28: TIFU by laughing at the wrong time.
(Obligatory "this was a few years back" statement)
So, it was my good buddy's birthday and he invited me to his house to join his family in celebrating. Being a close-knit family, everyone was there - aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Alec and I had been friends for several years, and it was one of those friendships that consists of laughing incessantly at inside jokes and other things that don't make sense to anybody else.
After everybody socialized for a bit, the very Christian family gathered in the living room for something of a "prayer circle." We all held hands, bowed our heads, and Alec's dad led us in prayer, thanking God for his son's 16 years of life, then continued on to pray for other things. While this was going on, Alec's baseball cap fell off his head. For some reason, this was HILARIOUS to the two of us. We both stifled laughter for a few seconds, but he managed to stop. I, being that friend who has trouble putting my serious face back on, continued to giggle uncontrollably. This wouldn't have been such a terrible thing, except that now Alec's dad began to pray for Grandpa Joe who was dying of cancer. As he spoke of Grandpa's condition deteriorating, I was red in the face and guffawing - not so much because of the damn baseball cap, but more so because of the pickle I had found myself in. "Holy shit, this is the worst possible time and place to be laughing like this, pull yourself together." But the worsening situation just made me laugh harder and harder.
I received some death glares from the family whenever I had the guts to look anyone in the eyes. But Alec understood, thankfully, and we haven't mentioned it since. We're still friends. Whew.
Calixo: Where's the part you burst out laughing? I was totally expecting it
PeterPan28: It was more of a continuous laughter, which started when the hat fell, and escalated when prayers for grandpa started.
Calixo: Ah, okay. Well, at least you didn't burst out laughing haha
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1406736371 | 1406736683 | t3_2c5fzd | t5_2to41 | 5 | UTBeneVOLence: TIFU by throwing a hammer
This happened when I was quite a bit younger (probably about 17) but I still remember it very clearly.
A friend, my brother and I were down the local lake area trying to build a skate ramp to put at the end of the path. Hammer in hand I'd walked away to get more nails, my brother meanwhile was sitting down next to the ramp whilst my friend was nearby him. My friend was making a fair few comments about my 'at the time' girlfriend and really wound me up. I lost it and threw the hammer I was holding at the floor next to him, unfortunately it bounced up at an odd angle and hit my brother in the head.
My brother (15 at the time) looked up and said "Did you just throw a stone at me?" Completely unaware of the hammer. I ran over and informed him that it was a hammer and he didn't believe me, until I put my hand on his head and showed him the blood. His face went from confusion to terror.
I quickly grabbed our things and walked him home, terrified the entire time about what my mum would say when she found out. We go to the door and with rag against head without even flinching my brother said to her "I fell off my skateboard and hit my head on a rock."
I have to love my brother for straight up lying without flinching.
Lucid003: You know, they put handles on those things because they're supposed to stay in your hand.
UTBeneVOLence: Young, stupid and angry + tool, is not a good combination
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406736939 | 1406872892 | t3_2c5gzc | t5_2to41 | 117 | Joeyballast: TIFU by not noticing in ANY WAY that the cute little geek showing me my potential new apartment was into me.
This happened yesterday. I had just spent the day looking for an apartment to live in and had seen mostly ratty little apartments with holes in the carpet and shoddy lumpy linoleum patch jobs at double the normal rent. After spending the entire morning looking at these shit piles with room numbers I was a little bummed out and still had another two apartments to look at after this one. My brain was locked on business mode.
Cue me knocking on a tenants door who's going to show me the next apartment since the land lord is out of town. The door opens, and I'm presented with a cute little brunette, rocking figure, shorter hair, and wearing a 'captain hammer' T-shirt. Her eyes light up when she sees me, and she giggles while mentioning that she took a few moments to open the door because she was on a Ted-talk marathon.
"Ted talks are neat," I say. "Which on is the apartment?"
She seems disappointed, but quickly returns to a big smile and starts to make small talk. My brain switches the 'idle conversation engine' to the 'on' position, and I just reply with simple statements. She asks what I do.
"I'm a music teacher."
She smiles and exclaims that she plays the marimba.
"Oh. Neat. I built a marimba this year. Is this the apartment?"
She opens the door while squealing happily and exclaiming that I need to move in and how excited she is to have someone like me in the building.
"Yeah... yeah, we'll see," I say as I open closets and inspect floors. The place could be worse, but there's evidence of recent non-too good reno's.
She says that I should contact the landlord right away because someone else was viewing it this morning.
"Yeah. I'll do that." The bathroom's pretty awful. Stains all over the tub. The place is still in the top two, though.
We walk outside while my brain begins to catalogue and rank the apartment according to a vague internal rubric I had constructed that morning. She's still talking about how awesome it would be to have me living here. My autopilot brain continues to supply monosyllabic answers.
We reach the front of the house. She has her hands behind her back, throwing out her chest just a little. She remarks on how nice it was to meet me.
"Yeah. You too. Bye."
I walk away. No handshake. No further conversation. No nothing. I make it all the way back to the car before a wave of self-loathing blasts me in the face. My eye twitches. I let out a little mewling whine, wordless, which if expressed in language would translate to "oh shit did I just do that?"
I spend two minutes berating myself, then drive away. Opportunity missed. Goddamnit.
TL:DR
Cute little geek girl gave me ALL the signs and I ignored them because I was busy looking at the apartment.
And even if she was just being nice and wasn't interested in me at all IT WOULD NOT HAVE HURT IN ANY WAY TO PURSUE THE OPPORTUNITY.
2plastic: Assuming polite small talk from any female automatically means they are coming on to you... #justneckbeardthings
PM_ur_Rump: Gawd, I think I had gone a whole week without seeing a neckbeard reference. Counter reset.
2plastic: /tips fedora and disappears into the night
PM_ur_Rump: Show me the meaning of haste!
harmlessmaniac: Solid reference. On a related note, wtf does 'the lord of all horses' mean? Horses don't have religion, I checked right after the film.
PM_ur_Rump: They do, it's just the book is written in neigh'brew.
harmlessmaniac: you my friend, are this thread's mane attraction.
PM_ur_Rump: Just trying to keep the crop of jokes stable.
harmlessmaniac: Stability is important with so many users jockeying for position, I appreciate your hard work. Don't be tempted to bale.
PM_ur_Rump: We're just gonna ride this pun thread until it breaks, aren't we? Is it just us, or is anyone else gonna pony up?
harmlessmaniac: if no one else joins in, you have no idea how saddle be.
PM_ur_Rump: Can't even get one more guy or gallop in this... Oh well, I think this pun thread is pretty foal anyway.
harmlessmaniac: my commitment to this concerning. its really beginning to nag at me.
PM_ur_Rump: Your endurance is impressive, you stallion, you. I wouldn't put any pun pasture abilities.
harmlessmaniac: thank you but I can't help but think we are flogging a dead horse.
PM_ur_Rump: Hay, it's getting late, we'd better get corral these puns or my bridle have me sleeping on the couch. OK, I lied, I'm not mare-ied, it just seemed to fit the bit.
*G'night everybody, thanks for playin'!*
| 17 | 6.882353 | |
1406738267 | 1406739727 | t3_2c5idi | t5_2to41 | 5 | TheXEADragon: It was really hot, then at night cooled down a load. Google it, I can't explain it properly.
AngelOfDoom: It's called thermal shock. Basically, you created a mini-greenhouse with your pillow, causing a large amount of heat on one side, expanding the glass. When night came and the other side cooled off, that side contracted, putting a large amount of shear stress on the glass.
Eventually, the stress exceeds the ultimate strength of the material, resulting in failure (breakage).
TheXEADragon: Okay, thanks for the explanation.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406736971 | 1406827081 | t3_2c5h1j | t5_2to41 | 382 | wowplayer95: TIFU by "saving" my friend's mom's phone
Kinda fucked myself here. I was at a friend's house yesterday getting some food from the kitchen to end our hunger so we could continue gaming the rest of the night, while dragging the sack of everything I could find off the counter I knock his mom's new iPhone off the counter, me being the good guy here I try to save the fall with my foot, but end up punting that sumbitch straight through their glass cabinet. Now I owe her 300 for the phone and I need to come fix the cabinet.
Stuckin_Foned: They have screens that can survive a fall off the counter. Just so you know in the future.
wowplayer95: I didn't know, I'm an android user
MyNameIsRay: For future reference, no, they don't survive. Especially without a case.
Source: I've fixed a few dozen, and I don't know a single iPhone user who hasn't cracked a screen at some point.
n0_fat_ch1x: I have owned IPhones for 4-5 years. Never ever cracked a screen.
Kitpaws: Same here. Had iPhone since the original. Dropped different models on hardwood/tile/concrete/fell out of my pocket while getting out of the car.. Always without a case. Never any cracks and surprisingly very minimal damage to the body.
Cproo12: Same here. I've had every model except 5s/5c, and ONCE I dropped my current 4s, and it broke.
I had never dropped a phone. Not even where I drop it and it doesn't shatter.
So I just live with its chip. It just looks like a strand of hair across my phone.
Edit: proof http://i.imgur.com/SCMUSFY.jpg
Edit 2: I am fucking retarded.
babyrae1127: Best edit ever
Cproo12: Well, it *was* pi in the morning.
| 9 | 42.444444 | |
1406738371 | 1406772837 | t3_2c5jpz | t5_2to41 | 299 | JudgeMx52: TIFU by trying to lose weight
So, yesterday I got talked into a diet by my cousin: Only Veggie Juice for 10 days. Resulting in 6kg less and a nice detox.
Sounds good, I started this morning. Tasty veggie juice....
Fastforward to just a couple minutes ago, lunch time. Here I am minding my own business, just serving meself some Veggie Juice at my desk, and not the lunch table because, well its juice.
Anywho, instead of using a juice extractor, I used a blender. This means instead of getting just juice I got juice and pulp... see where this is going? Yep. My container stored the juice on the bottom, and all the pulp on top (is that even possible?).
So there I am, fighting to get the juice out of my container, when I decide to completely fucking turn it upside-down and **it** happens.
Said container unleashed the seven hells of Veggie juice on me, pulp included. Tomatoes, Cucumbers, Carrots, you name it. ALL ON MY FUCKING PANTS AND DESK.
Of course, just as this happens I put the glass on the desk and sip some out of it so as to keep it from leaking more shit-juice on my desk. In comes my workmate and sees my pants, desk and mouth pouring with Veggie Juice (which looks like barf... a lot like it). The following minutes are just pathetic.
-"Dude you alright? You should go home man! Don't worry the cleaning lady will get this mess... Your computer ok?"
-"Thats not barf man."
-"Don't need to hide it bro, just go ho-"
-"THAT IS NOT BARF! I SPILLED MY FUCKING VEGGIE JUICE"
Starts laughing like a fucking maniac and leaves, *my phone rings*.
Its the **boss**.
-"Go home son, you don't look good."
-"Sir, I just spilled my juice, I'm fine."
-"oh... how did you? You know what, I don't wanna know..." *hangs up*
So here I am, pants look like I pissed myself, shirt looks like I barfed, and I smell like fucking supermarket veggie aisle. I don' fucked up Reddit.
**TL;DR:** Tried (only) Veggie Juice diet, spilled it all over myself at work, boss and workmate think I barfed on myself, and the worst of all: I'm hungry as shit.
EDIT1: "-How did your boss find out so quickly?" There's a camera right above me. [PROOF](http://i.imgur.com/XHCrjoq.jpg)
"Definitely made up" [PROOF2](http://i.imgur.com/Przq6AB.jpg)
abelcc: Don't try miracle diets, just exercise 30 mins or one hour every day.
JudgeMx52: Already do that.
Its no miracle diet, fucking common sense really. My cousin is on day 3 and he's lost 2 Kg already. seen with my own eyes.
abelcc: Common sense?
Drinking only Veggy Juice can give you serious medical problems, I don't understand why your doctor didn't tell you that before you started. At least I'll never risk my health just to weigh less.
SirDigbyChknCaesar: > I don't understand why your doctor didn't tell you that before you started.
Because he didn't tell his doctor first.
JudgeMx52: Ding ding ding.
riverwestmke: OP. Hey doc, just letting you know I'm planning-
DOCTOR. -and you are?
OP. Patient #54141. Hey, I'm going on a veggie juice diet, you know, for healthy. And I wanna look good naked.
DOCTOR. Aww, HELLNAW-
OP. KTHNXBYE!
JudgeMx52: Am I missing some reference or?
riverwestmke: What would have happened if you told your doctor. Actually, I kinda think what yr doing is probably fine. I mean, veggie juice diet couldn't be worse for than riding a bike without a helmet, or smoking, or having more than three or four drinks at a bar, right? As far as self destructive things go, this seems pretty light.
JudgeMx52: Very good point.
And if you watch the "Fat, sick and nearly dead" documentary you'll see its actually good!
| 10 | 29.9 | |
1406739618 | 1406773810 | t3_2c5m0v | t5_2to41 | 27 | dilholemarmalade: TIFU by killing a shrew in front of my young neighbors
So there I was with my Dad in our backyard getting ready to set up some traps to solve our recent shrew problem. I was setting the traps near the worn tracks/tunnels that were visible in the yard, when two youngins that live next door (9-10 years old) decided to pay me a visit. After explaining the shrew issue and showing them the tracks in the grass, they seemed to have their curiosity satisfied.
Seconds later my dad comes up, says hello to the kids, and then immediately yells out, "THERE'S ONE OF THEM". On the ground about three feet to my right was a shrew, scurrying away from us. Seeing as the main objective of the day was shrew removal, my instincts took over and I went into kill mode. I caught up to the shrew and gave it a few good stomps.
The shrew was pregnant, and of course the kids had run over to check out the scene. They were greeted with a dead shrew, torn apart with all her little pink babies scattered around her. That mental image will haunt me for a while, but that's not the worst part. I am now referred to as "baby killer" by the young kids next door, every time they see me outside. Needless to say their mother isn't very happy with me.
[deleted]: Get a pellet gun and get good at shooting.
dilholemarmalade: I have years of airsoft experience from when I was a young lad! A pellet gun would be more accurate, I assume. So this sounds like an excellent, sadistically fun idea.
[deleted]: You can get humanely killing in no time. I would recommend the Daisy Powerline 880 because it is cheap, accurate, and powerful enough to take out most rodents and pests from a decent range.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1406740270 | 1406759795 | t3_2c5n92 | t5_2to41 | 30 | Burrito_bandido: TIFU by not leaving 5 birthdays ago
Today was the 5th and last time my boyfriend fucks up my birthday. For the past 5 years for some reason he has always managed to pick a fight on my birthday. And today was no exception, I turned 23 today and we decided to spend it at Busch Gardens with our sons and yep you guessed it. To make it short I was stuck at Busch Gardens trying to hold back my tears and put on a fake smile for my sons, who by the way were so excited to be there. And we pretty much had to leave not even 20 minutes after getting there. Today once again I fucked up my special day by not leaving him, but today was the last time.
Shockling: I don't understand what he did or how you fucked up?
taranig: her fuck up was believing things would be different the 5th time around.
her boyfriend, for whatever reason, can't seem to just be nice and celebrate her birthday peacefully and in joy.
for most people a birthday is a special day and if it can be avoided, one should try to be pleasant to your SO and children on such a day.
Shockling: tifu 5 years ago.
Burrito_bandido: ^^ Spot on
| 5 | 6 | |
1406742856 | 1406772719 | t3_2c5s9r | t5_2to41 | 9 | Swagblaze420: TIFU by accidentally getting into a car accident the day I got my license.
Tifu by driving, and here's how. So my wonderful wizards of reddit, I'm here to share my story and hopefully get some good advice on how to proceed without screwing something up more. So this is how it started I just finished my driving test, passed with flying colors. My sister allows me to drive her car home which is only about a mile from the dmv. So I'm driving along and decide it would be smarter for me to take the turn down the side street to get away from this Los Angeles traffic. So as the light is beginning to turn red from yellow I begin to make my turn when out of ass-crack no where a car comes speeding down the street, so we collide, our car is totaled while his just needs minor fixes, we get out of the car and rush over to help him out of his, he's just fine, while I have a nosebleed, a swollen foot, and some little scratches. Here is when it gets interesting, I don't have insurance, like at all, we contacted a friend of the family who happens to be a lawyer. My sister has insurance covering everyone in the car with her even if she is not driving. On the insurance it says that I am exempt from this benefit, idk why. So about a month goes by we get a letter in the mail saying we had to cover property damage for 12,000 muhfuggin dollars. We settled on 4000 because ya boy is not rich. Another couple of months go by we get another letter saying we have to pay 20,000 for liability, I don't have 20 grand and don't know how in the actual fuck we are going to pay this one off. If anyone has any advice or nifty tricks to help us soften the blow that'd be great.
Carl58: > On the insurance it says that I am exempt from this benefit, idk why.
Auto insurers base premiums on who is the primary driver of the vehicle, and who else in the family is licensed to drive. She may have been advised to exclude you from coverage to reduce her premiums. She should NOT have allowed you to drive the car if you were not covered.
You need to talk to a lawyer, and not the same one who is advising your sister, because *she* is equally liable for this, possibly more than yourself, for letting you drive the car. How old are you?
Islander1776: OP should checkout r/legaladvice
| 3 | 3 | |
1406744084 | 1406750638 | t3_2c5uou | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: Dear Reddit, TIFU by cleaning my butt (NSFW)
filthnotfaith: The itch is caused because there is still poop in your ass. You weren't finished completely when you last went. I ...uh... Had this problem once and googled it. Annoying as fuck especially in the hot weather.
herpderp1132: this is a thing? If there's poop in your bum still, wouldn't you just get the urge to poop again?
filthnotfaith: I don't think so. Because there is not enough pressure to make you need to go again. I don't know really I'm just talking out of my ass here, but I guess it happens when you pinch off too early? It is a real thing though.
herpderp1132: interesting, will note next time i drop off
| 5 | 3 | |
1406745710 | 1406746492 | t3_2c5y4f | t5_2to41 | 2 | kn33: TIFU by breaking boards in the dark
More specifically, last night I was breaking old floorboards I had pulled up from my attic and thrown out the window onto my back lawn. It was dark out, but I was determined to keep working anyway. I put one end of a board on a picnic table chair and the other on a stone bench I have and jumped onto it... straight on to a nail I didn't see in the dark. This nail then went through my shoe, and sock, and into my foot. I then jumped off of the board, pulled off my shoe and sock, looked at it and thought "Well, crap." and hobbled inside to be bandaged up, dripping blood the whole way. Now my foot hurts.
pb_oreos: You should see your doctor. If you haven't gotten one within the last 5 years, you need a tetanus shot. Also, possibly antibiotics in case of infection.
kn33: I've had a tetanus within the last 5 years. I washed it out, sprayed it with hydrogen peroxide, and put triple antibiotic followed by a band-aid, which I kept on until my shower this morning, and replaced afterward.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406744367 | 1406749403 | t3_2c5vb8 | t5_2to41 | 3 | mgspunk: TIFU by letting my friend make sex in my car.(NSFW)
This happened to my friend who we will nickname Qui Gon Jinn. He has this one friend who we will call Lucy who is a girl who does molly, pot, heroin, etc. and is a high school dropout. Story goes Qui Gon Jinn was driving Lucy and her boyfriend around in his car and at one point parked the car and went to a store to buy something, while the other two stayed in the backseat. After some time he came back and they were going at it like rabbits. Several months pass and we find out she became pregnant from that day, and then one day Qui Gon Jinn is giving Lucy a ride when all of a sudden she starts bleeding and begins the process of a miscarriage in the back seat of his car. Eventually she gets taken to a hospital to help her with what just happened. I could not believe, that an entire life cycle happened inside of my friend's car.
Voyager5555: "make sex" you say....
herpderp1132: Don't get your hopes up you need two people to make the sex
| 3 | 1 | |
1406746381 | 1406761835 | t3_2c5zc6 | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by Exposing my Dick to the Office Manager
So I work in a real estate office and was running late to work this morning. I usually take a dump before leaving for work but the circumstances didn't allow it today. Anyway, I get to the office and the combination of breakfast, coffee, and a cigarette have got me ready to explode. I HATE taking a shit at this job because our bathroom only has one stall so sometimes you have to go back and check multiple times until the stall is open, especially after lunch. I got lucky and the BR was empty on my first try. I get in there, sit down, and start shitting. I'm 2 minutes into playing Tinder roulette (indiscriminately swiping right) when the door opens and someone walks in. It was one of those awkward situations where the guy had to shit but realized the stall was occupied so instead pretended like he was there to piss. So he squeezes out a few drops while I'm trying not to fart and proceeds to wash his hands. On his way out, he flips the light switch without thinking. Now I'm sitting there mid-shit in the darkness wondering what the fuck to do. There are no windows or emergency lights in this motherfucker, I am literally in a pitch black room. I decide to make a quick run for the light switch. I unlock the stall door and wobble over with my pants at my ankles. I guess the previous guy, who happened to be my office manager, realized his mistake and came back to turn the light back on. Needless to say, there was a very awkward encounter when he turned the light on to see my dick staring him in the face. The look on his face will be with me until I die. To make matters worse, a second guy walked in as I'm wobbling back to the stall and got a good look at my bare ass. He probably now thinks me and the manager got a thing going on. I haven't seen either of them since (it happened 5 hours ago) and I'm contemplating jumping ship to another brokerage...
Thenovazz: >dick staring him in the face.
I just imagined a dick with googly eyes...
duckvimes_: /r/glorp *NSFW*
Thenovazz: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK O_O
duckvimes_: Happy?
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1406745822 | 1406874928 | t3_2c5yb7 | t5_2to41 | 12 | derpdiva: TIFU: Melatonin vs. Vitamin C
Today I fucked up. I take vitamin C pills in the morning, just because... I'm not deficient or anything, I just take them. My melatonin pills are made by the same company so the bottles look identical. I accidentally took the melatonin this morning instead of the vitamin C and didn't realize until I swallowed. Vitamin C is pretty sour. Needless to say, I'm exhausted at work today.
greekmarblechisler: Are you having daymares?
derpdiva: No fire breathing dragons or anything crazy. Noises sounded muffled and everything seemed to move in slow motion. I left early after I explained my situation to my boss.
greekmarblechisler: You are fortunate to have an understanding boss :) Everyone I know who uses melatonin to help them sleep says that they experience really vivid strange dreams that can turn into awful nightmares. Do you experience this effect?
thedakotahipp: I take it and that doesn't happen to me.
greekmarblechisler: Good to hear! :)
| 6 | 2 | |
1406747999 | 1406761332 | t3_2c62f3 | t5_2to41 | -4 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally taking LSD
TIFU because I recently acquired several tabs of LSD and I had kept them in an empty ashtray on my desk and when the window was open the wind must have blown a couple out of the ashtray so when I went to look there were two missing and I looked for them and couldn't find them but it turns out I have somehow ingested at least one and if not two and I don't know how I did but I know that I did and I am tripping in my room and I am meant to go on a date tonight and this was a bad idea and I don't really think I can handle the date but the time is currently 20.20 and my vision is 2020 not really but I refer to my mind vision but anyway I realise that now I must deal with reality although perhaps that is what I've been doing all along.
swordsdude: Take a benzo bro
shaun_jenkins: Never combine benzos with *anything*. I don't know that LSD and benzo would cause an adverse reaction or increased CNS depression, but I wouldn't take the chance. Benzos are risky enough on their own, combining them with just about anything is asking for trouble.
swordsdude: People use benzos all the time to get out of bad trips man. Myself included.
| 4 | -1 | |
1406745521 | 1406766664 | t3_2c5xpq | t5_2to41 | 130 | Panoply_of_Thrones: TIFU by twerking and ripping myself a new one
Okay TIFUppers: I goofed.
Today is the only day off with my husband we've had in a very long time. For whatever reason I decided to dance the dance of wildebeests on the Serengeti; the waltz of walruses. For I, in my infinite size and mass, decided to do what all fat people are innately frightened of: dancing.
I danced. I blocked my husband's sight of the TV, and thrust my hips at him, waggling my (extremely ample) ass back and forth in what I'm sure was the most ill-fated move of all time. Mostly as a joke, and to be annoying, as most marriages consist of how well you can troll each other.
I stop to correct myself, and my heel connects with the coffee table. I'm thrown off balance, and try to catch myself on the couch, the sofa, everything. In almost slow motion my husband looks at me and reachs to grab me. There is a look on his face of fright and terror.
At this point, pre-impact, please remember the following: fat people are frightened as fuck of falling. Disregarding the lack of dignity, there is always the off-chance of falling and breaking a hip or a knee.
I feel a strange sense of acceptance as my husband fails to grab me. There is an end table in the corner against the wall- I fall with my considerable size hard, on my right ass cheek, directly onto the sharp, pointy corner.
The pain was an explosion of white noise screaming over my consciousness. As I scrabble to my feet I am crying and screaming. My husband is saying 'Oh noooooo' and I throw myself stomach down on the couch.
"I think I ripped something open!" I scream.
Husband picks and prods at the wound, oohing and ahhhing as he looks. He hisses, I scream at his touch.
Apparently I broke skin. My whole ass cheek will probably be bruised tomorrow. Every now and again waves of pain wash over me, and I am unable to sit up. I am in pain, even though I am alive, albeit with two assholes.
scifinerdgirl:
>most marriages consist of how well you can troll each other.
So much truth here. Hope you feel better soon! But I died laughing at that line. :D
starrfish21: My favorite part of this whole post! My husband and I love the "who's the biggest troll" game!
Theyoungbear: I call it can I make her cry and laugh at the same time? Super Funtime game bonanza very Funtime !
| 4 | 32.5 | |
1406749567 | 1406839206 | t3_2c65gy | t5_2to41 | 6 | TrumpetVines: TIFU By having a party.
Hello everyone,
My fuck up is not recent, and actually occurred in October of last year. Hopefully despite the gap in time you can all still enjoy my first post here at TIFU.
I woke up at 5 a.m. with a pretty bad hangover on a cool October morning, I had to be in at work at 7 a.m. so I threw my hair up, brushed my teeth, and took my dog out for his morning poop.
My dog wasn't acting like himself on this particular morning, and instead of racing me to the door he sluggishly sat down leash in mouth and gave me puppy dog eyes as if to say "Mommy I don't feel good". I take him out and instead of sniffing the grass for 10 minutes trying to find the perfect place to drop a load, he starts to do his business as soon as his paws hit the grass. I gaze at a bird in the distance as to give my dog some privacy, and thats when I see it out of the corner of my eye, a deep red stream shooting out of my dogs butthole. My dog has diarrhea, and it's full, and I mean just FULL of blood.
Now I love my Dooder dog. He's my best bud and he's like a kid to me, so I see this and just go into full blown panic mode. I immediately grab my phone and call work to tell them theres no way I can come in. Despite the fact that this is very well a life or death situation for my dog, my boss tells me I have to come in or I can kiss my job goodbye. I did what any loving dog owner would do and with no hesitation I told him I was sorry but my dog meant more to me than my job. I sat there for another hour, crying off and on while holding my dog as I waited for the vets office to open. He's really lethargic and I'm pretty inconsolable at this point.
The clock strikes 6:30 and I call my vet to tell him what's going on, he told me to bring my dog in immediately and that they were waiting for me. I put my dog in the car and then I remembered that I should probably grab a stool sample so they can see just how bad it is. I give my doggy scratch on the ear as if I'll never see him again and run in the house to grab a bag. I go outside and grab his steaming pile of bright red diarrhea and that's when I see it, a piece of plastic. "Oh no" I thought, my dog got ahold of something and it sliced through his intestines. I use the edge of the bag to pull out the big piece of plastic and I see some vaguely familiar white lettering.
This is when it hits me. I was hungover because we had a big party the night before. We have a lot of parties, but this party was a Halloween party. My friends came in full dress, particularly /u/stewtendo and his brother, and they brought along extra makeup to keep their bloody faces pristine. At some point my dog got ahold of and ate an entire tube of fake halloween blood, it gave him the poops, and all that blood in his poop was actually just fake blood.
I went out to my car where my dog was sitting and wagging his tail, probably because he was feeling a lot better after dropping the massive load that he did. It hits me that I had just been fired from my job and almost unloaded hundreds of dollars on my dog all because he got his paws on some fake blood. I couldn't even be mad at the situation because of how funny it was so instead I laughed for a good 10 minutes straight.
We went to the dog park and played frisbee. The end.
punster_: Your dog probably saw that last night and thought "Bone Apetit"
PosthistoricDino: I'm sorry, is your name Hostess? 'Cause that was a Zinger.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406750593 | 1407265282 | t3_2c67db | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by singing along
So today I was sitting in my room browsing reddit, Youtbe etc. when my favourite song at the moment comes on, a song by the name of "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid". Those of you familiar with the song may recall a line of the song in which the phrase "Dance fucker, dance!" is shouted. This happens to be one of my favourite lines of the song and so I often sing along or if i'm alone, enthusiastically shout the phrase in time with the song. Today was one of these occasions, my parents were out, the song was playing somewhat quietly in my room and I was singing along.
As its summer my room was pretty hot and so my window was open. It was a nice day, a day on which my neighbour decided to do some gardening, Im sure he envisioned a pleasurable afternoons work of tidying up his garden, which just so happens to be next to my window. So here is where my fuck up happens, i'm sitting in my room singing along to my favourite song, he is probably 10 feet from my open window, when my favourite line of the song approaches I prepare myself to shout this line in time with the song as if my life had led up to this moment. The line comes I shout "DANCE FUCKER, DANCE!" it was seconds after this when I hear "excuse me?" I turn to find my neighbour standing in his garden looking at me as if I had ruthlessly insulted him, which I guess I had indeed just done. It turns out my neighbour is quite a conservative man and did not appreciate being commanded to dance by his 17 year old neighbour.
I feel any chance of friendship I could have had with this man is gone now.
TL/DR: Commanded my neighbour to "Dance fucker, dance" by way of singing along to my favourite song.
Loubagz: Thats what happens to you young'ns with your tasteless garbage of these days.. I mean music
DarkSparky123: I hope you are trolling...
Loubagz: Lol yeah... I don't know the song at all but "Dance M***** F***** Dance" sounds like a pretty garbage 2 chains song or something along that lines that todays teens are being told is "music"... Its garbage, of course this is a manor of opinion here I'm sure its not shared by everyone.
DarkSparky123: Well, the song is You're Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring ( a band from the 80's, so not today's generation of music, more like your generation or older..). You should hear and THEN tell me its garbage.
Loubagz: Oh, the offspring are good, not familiar with that song, def sounds like a hook to some club song tho haha
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1406751396 | 1406761924 | t3_2c68x2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | l2blackbelt: TIFU by breaking expensive equipment and putting my mentor's job at risk
I am doing a coop tour on a device analysis team. I work with an acoustic microscope. Think of it as a giant vibrating metal fist that runs passes over a very fragile piece of silicon. You wanna guess what I did? I'll tell you what I did.
I drove that vibrating metal phallic symbol right into the delicate piece of crystallized glass. And I did it not once, but twice. First time was with a test part. Boss wasn't happy, but shit happens when you're running tests. Today, it was with a qual part. This is bad. People are going to yell. Did I mention my mentor's contract is up for review in two weeks? This could damage my reputation with my company, but he might get fucking fired over this. He does not deserve this. I fucked this one up bad.
createanewaccountuse: Better start sucking dick to make sure he doesn't get fired.
l2blackbelt: I've been pretty blunt with what happened. No point hiding it even if I did think I could get away with it.
Breaking parts happens on occasion, even for people who have been doing it forever.
Just won't fuck up again.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406752013 | 1406797515 | t3_2c6a2x | t5_2to41 | 41 | sfreeman8875: TIFU by not having a filter at the office
Yesterday my boss finally agreed to buy me a new computer since my computer was crashing at least 4 times a day and today I have spent most of the day installing all the programs we use. All the plugs are under the table to I was on my knees for a while today.
My coworker asked me why I was on my knees so much today and without thinking I replied "It's where I do my best work" and winked
He busted out laughing while my super religious boss comes out of her office and gives me the death stare and walked away. She hasn't made eye contact with me for over an hour
ssjkriccolo: I'm sure the whole thing will blow over.
MachinaExDeo: What if it doesn't, though? That'd suck.
idsan: Yeah. If it doesn't, OP will definitely get shafted.
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1406752476 | 1406759747 | t3_2c6axm | t5_2to41 | 7 | RestlessCunt: TIFU taking a selfie
TIFU taking a selfie for my Sir. I am currently in a Dom/Sub relationship with my Sir.
He gave me a challenge to do something scandalous/sexy, to make sure that I was in a safe space, and then tell him all about it. I am currently doing another task for him where I must send him a photo a day of myself daily in my underwear. Knowing how he likes exhibitionism I thought I would kill two birds with one stone and send him a sext from the bathroom of my local grocery store. I thought he would really like it because I wasn't wearing any panties today.
I go into the bathroom and notice the stalls are not directly across from the mirror, where I wanted to get my shot, they are to the left of the sink/mirrors. I go into the first stall and think, "No big deal. I will hang my purse and top here, I will go out with my phone, pull down my pants, take the shot, and run back into the stall."
I stop and listen to the movement outside the bathroom door. I hear men's voices and feel safe knowing they won't be walking into the women's bathroom. 3, 2, 1, I leave the stall take my shot and run back to the stall with out a problem.
I made the mistake of looking at the photo. I was certain my Sir was going to be unhappy with noticing the top of my pants in the picture, so I needed to take a second one. Same plan, I listened again and when the time was right I snuck out, pulled down my pants and just as I was about to take the photo a woman walks in. I cup myself and try to pull my pants up quickly as I move into a corner of the bathroom.
I apologized to the woman and tried to get to the stall that had my purse. She is currently half in the stall door, so I am standing there half naked trying to explain how my things are in that stall and how I need to get in there. The moment seemed to take forever as she went into the handicapped stall instead. I was mortified. I got dressed, washed my hands for good measure (I was in a bathroom after all), and booked it out of the store.
I sent my Sir the photo, he was pleased. When he asked about the experience I told him what had happened, and now he has requested I share it with you.
TL;DR Was walked in on while taking a half nude selfie in a public bathroom. I was told to share my story.
step_off_my_man: Damn. You two have the lamest sub/dom relationship ever when he tell you to post shit on fucking Reddit. Especially a boring ass story like this.
jaredgeorge: [Beat me to it](http://i.imgur.com/aysiuRL.jpg)
step_off_my_man: Seriously though. This shit make 50 Shades of Gray readable.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1406754629 | 1406757793 | t3_2c6f2f | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting caught smoking weed by the founder of my college major
So, the story starts off with me getting off work in the early afternoon. (I work in an office at my university during summer) Another friend of mine also got off work at the same time as me, and we meet up to partake in our daily post-work ritual of smoking some weed.
This daily ritual starts off by meeting up at a local park that is less than a block or two from the university. The park runs alongside a river that flows straight through the middle of Boston. It has great views, a calm breeze, and during the early afternoon, very little people. Most of people that were around at the time were old women or kids from the university going for a run/jog.
We scope out the usual smoke spot, which is a bench that is along the banks of the river, and start grinding up some bud and packing our bowl. As we were setting up to smoke, we always take a look around to see if the coast is clear to smoke a without anyone noticing (you know, cuz its weed). I look around and all I see are a few people reading books/laying in the sun at a safe distance from our bench and an old man with his shirt tied around his head laying down and sunbathing at a neighboring bench (~20 yards away). The breeze was blowing in the opposite direction of the old-man so we decide to spark up.
We get about halfway through the bowl when the wind starts the pick up, causing us to have a difficult time lighting the bowl. I do not know if any other stoners out there do this. But whenever my buddies and I have difficulty lighting the bowl due to the wind, we huddle closer together and cup the sides of the bowl to block the wind as much as possible so the person who is hitting it can light it properly.
As my friend and I were huddled together frustratingly trying to light the bowl, I yell jokingly, "Come on ____ (name of friend), light the damn bowl!" A second later, he gets it lit and takes his hit as we recede from our huddle. As he exhales all the smoke, a man taps me on the shoulder and says, "You boys should really not be doing that in a public place like this, I could smell it all the way from my bench over there."
As he points at the bench next to us where the old man was sunbathing, it all hits me. This guy was that same old man and, even worse, I recognized him instantly! He was a top tenured professor at my university and one of the founders/pioneers of an emerging field of engineering that I am currently in school to study.
I was just caught smoking weed by the man whose research and achievements created a whole new branch of engineering. This is the same guy who will sit on the stage as I get my degree, the same guy who will be teaching many upper-level courses I WILL be taking, the same guy who I will have to present my senior design project to!
I fucked up.
replies_in_songtitle: *smoke gets in your eyes*
sour_vv: tears in my eyes.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1406754909 | 1406829538 | t3_2c6flt | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my dad porn
This just happened a few minutes ago.
I was browsing reddit, and found an article about technology that my dad would enjoy. So I click on it, copy the link and send it to him using Messages. Only the link didn't copy, and what was on my clipboard was a link to a porn board from earlier in the day. I sent without looking. Oops
marissaj325: Well I'll be damned. Has he responded back about it yet ?
marco8_goal: "What did you send me?? It popped up by mistake???"
I just responded it was a popup that got in the way when I was copying the link. He wasn't going to open it anyways.
marissaj325: Nice back up idea.
marco8_goal: Meh, I'm 19. What do I care if he believes it or not ¯\\_( ツ)_/¯
marissaj325: I'm jus saying because my dad wouldn't have believed me.
marco8_goal: I doubt mine did, but he didn't call me out on it and that's all I really care about!
marissaj325: Lol well good job. High five
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1406756644 | 1406822449 | t3_2c6iu6 | t5_2to41 | 78 | Super_Juan_Pablo: TIFU by taking candy from a child
You know the deal, this didn't happen today. In fact, it actually happened a couple of years ago, but I still laugh thinking about it. I should begin by explaining that I haven't always been the most "aware" person. I tend to get stuck in my thoughts, and can at times totally disconnect from the world around me. When this happens in public it can have painfully embarrassing consequences, as you will see from this story.
Anyways one day, back when I was 17, I was riding the city bus to football practice. Of course, like all of the cool kids, I was sitting in the very back of the bus with my headphones in, listening to my music on full blast in preparation for practice. Eventually this woman and her child get on the bus and sit next to me. If you've ever been on a city bus you can picture the bench seat at the very end of the bus. It's really just one long seat at the back of the bus, this is where we were sitting. I was sitting by the window, the woman was next to me, and her kid was on the other side of her.
So we're driving and I'm totally in my zone, jamming to my music and looking out of the window when I catch out of the corner of my eye the woman seemingly handing something to me. Instinctively, I take it. To this day I can't tell you why I took it, my thought process probably went something like "something is being handed to me. I better not be rude and accept it." So, all in one motion, I grabbed it, noticed it was a piece of candy, and popped it in my mouth. Milliseconds after doing this I processed what I had just done, and was overcome with sheer horror.
I look over to the woman, and both she and her child are just staring at me. I managed to mutter an extremely weak "thank you" to which she was kind enough to respond "you're welcome," but we all knew I wasn't welcome. All three of us knew what had just happened, she was clearly holding the candy away from her child, probably saying something like "what do you say," and I (aka the grown ass complete stranger on the city bus) promptly snatched the candy out of her hand and ate it.
Needless to say I exited the bus at the next stop, and decided I'd rather walk the remaining 5 miles to football practice rather than sit awkwardly on that bus for 10 more minutes while that kid stared hatefully at me.
Oh, and I ended up being late to practice because of this, so it was extra shitty.
TL;DR: Riding on city bus next to woman and her kid. Woman holds candy away from child, which I mistakenly perceive as her offering it to me, and take it from her hand. Awkwardness ensues.
Edit:Formatting
inakzeptabel: Wow, I would never walk 5 miles because of this.. I must be lazy
Voyager5555: No, you're probably smart, I would have just caught the next bus.
inakzeptabel: In my area the busses often don't even drive every hour..
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1406756709 | 1406758054 | t3_2c6iy1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting the wrong person
So I've been texting this girl I liked, we'll call her Jackie, and this other girl, We'll call her Jessica, who likes me but is insanely annoying also has been texting me, and me being the kind of guy who can't tell a girl to leave me alone I text her back.
So today I was texting Jackie one day when I got a message from Jessica confessing that she's liked me for a while and she wants me to love her back, and so finally I gather the courage to send her a text, it's hard to explain so I'll just type the text I sent:
'Listen, I know how you feel about me but I don't feel the same way, I'd prefer you to leave me alone or maybe accept that we can only be friends.'
Now, here's where I do the major fuck up.
I was already nervous about sending that cause girls have friends, and friends have more friends, and I thought she would tell everyone about how I'm a terrible person. So instead of hitting Jessica's name, I hit Jackies name.
So I go on my way, not realizing my mistake until I get a message back from Jackie saying:
'It's okay, I'm sorry we couldn't have been more than friends but I understand and respect your decision.'
At this point I'm confused. I check Jessica's messages and the last message was her feelings about me. I go to Jackie's and right there, mocking my face was the message I sent to her. I'm not sure what to do and I resent the message to Jessica. But I haven't messaged Jackie back. I really fucked this up, didn't I.
TL;DR Texted wrong girl trying to friendzoned, ended up friendzoning girl I'm interested in and girl I'm not interested in.
writermonk: Dude, just fucking explain it to her like an adult.
Who cares about her opinion.
I'm sure she'll understand that there are other people interested in you AND like that you're turning them away because you're wanting to spend time with her.
In short, don't let this be a fuck up. Turn it into an opportunity.
she_hates_me_now: Thanks for helping me see it that way, much appreciated!
writermonk: No problem. Go get 'em, tiger.
| 4 | 1 | |
1406757431 | 1406819221 | t3_2c6k7v | t5_2to41 | 1,270 | rasbperry: TIFU by accidentally showing my boss my boobs.
Short background story: I'm travelling with work and in order for the company to save money they've set us up in two camping cabins. They're right next to one another with the windows of the living rooms facing each other and both have a small bathroom with a shower. We're three women and three men, so naturally, the women share one and the men share one. There are only two bedrooms with one bunk bed in each with some pretty thin mattresses and since I have back problems I decided to sleep on the couch, which was better for my back. This means I have all my stuff in the living room, etc.
So, after a long day of work and we're all pretty tired(the guys are in their cabin at this point), my colleagues say good night, close the curtains and head off to bed. I watched a movie for a while and was starting to get tired when I decided to have a shower.
I look in the bathroom and realize there's nowhere I can put my clothes without risking them getting wet, so I thought: "Fuck it, I'll get undressed in the living room, it's just us girls anyways". I proceed to undress, walk over to the chair where my towel is hanging and look up.
To my horror, I realize that my colleague forgot to close one of the curtains and I didn't notice until that very moment, naked, looking directly into the other cabin with my boss sitting on the couch facing me! I dropped to the floor, but he definitely saw me and my naked boobs through the window.
Tomorrow is going to be awkward as hell..
Update: Things were quite awkward for the first part of the day, avoided eye contact and didn't talk that much unless completely necessary. Second half of the day was better, he didn't bring it up and neither did I, so I guess we're pretending it never happened, which I'm very grateful for! Hopefully things will get back to normal quite fast.
Edit: changed lodge to cabin.
murph_diver: yeah whatever, you're totally getting a raise.
zimra: I think he was the one getting the raise
murph_diver: heyyyyyyy o!!
shitgazelol: Yahtzee!
BRUTALLEEHONEST: Bingo!!
Clungeworth: Dingo!
shitgazelol: Ringo?
| 8 | 158.75 | |
1406755824 | 1406761369 | t3_2c6hd1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Namfoodle: TIFU - I lost my passport
Well technically my idiot wife did. She was at Ripleys Aquarium in Toronto and had her passport on her, and sometime during or after she lost it. If anybody has by any chance found a passport please message as she is supposed to travel next week.
Also if anybody has any experience with emergency passport renewal in Canada. How quickly can they issue a new passport anybody know.
Thanks
ajaxsinger: That sucks!
Do you have a photograph or photocopy of your passport? That makes things go more quickly, but it's still a bit of a wait.
On the plus side, passports are only a requirement for entering or leaving Canada by air. An official birth certificate can get you home if you're driving, so if someone at home can fedex yours to you, you can at least deal with it from home.
Future tip: keep a scan of your passport on a jump drive that you carry with you. That way if yours is lost, you have proof of possession for reissue.
Namfoodle: Ya no photocopy, we used to have one but this was a recent issue and never did one. Anyway for now we got new pictures done and called Passport Canada, they say they can do an emergency passport issue within 24hrs which will work but it will probably cost an arm and a leg.
As for the requirement that is not true anymore, or maybe I was not clear. We are Canadian and my wife is traveling to the US and as far as I know now you need either a Passport, an Enhanced Drivers License or a Nexus card. Birth certificate is no longer sufficient.
Anyway tomorrow we will find out if what they told us on the phone is true. Still going to need to jump through some hoops I'm sure.
lazydonovan: It's strange that we've actually gone backwards. We never used to need anything more than a birth certificate and a piece of government issued photo ID to get into the US.
At least now it seems I don't actually need my passport to fly in (I have Nexus).
| 4 | 2 | |
1406758326 | 1406767144 | t3_2c6lv5 | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by not being able to "get up" (NSFW)
So I was with my girlfriend today and we were making out in my house as it was empty.And one thing let to another and i convinced her to meet with the little guy. Now we are both 18 and we have no experience in this. She hasn't even seen a penis before. But I had just come from out of town and i was with my parents so i couldn't really jerk off. Yesterday i jerked off 2 times because of that. Also I slept only like 5 hours. Getting back to the story we made out like 5 hours and i was hard as rock for the most part. after thos 5 hours was when i convinced her. Then she took a little peek and said it wass too hairy. So i went to the bathroom and shaved it in 5 minutes then came back. After that we tried to make the little guy come ot of it's shell for like 1 hour and it just didn't happen i couldn't get fully erected. Then she went and now i'm totally wrecked by the fact that a girl saw my penis and i could do nothing and she is wrecked because (quote by quote) she is that girl who can't get her boyfriend erect. And our relation is just awkward now i said it's not her fault i tried to explain but she said no matter what you say i will still feel that way. She just slept because she wasn'T feeling very well. The real problem here is this girl is not just any girl. She is smart cute funny and i get along with her really good. It's a girl that i will remember nicely forever. Now it's just awkward and i really don't want to lose her. There you go TIFU. I don't have to get up tomorrow cause i won't sleep tonight. It's just sad that i'm a dumbass sometimes. Any serious advice would be much appreciated.
fuckitx: Its too hairy..? She sounds like a fucking 8 year old.
JustJillian: Pubes up the nose is not fun, and could make her sneeze while she's blowing him.
There was a story on here about that happening to someone and she bit his dick.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1406759964 | 1406761965 | t3_2c6owj | t5_2to41 | 5 | inakzeptabel: TIFU by laughing at an old lady who had a car accident!
This happened a while ago already, but I forgot about posting it here. Until I heard the same song today! Here we go:
I was on my way to my weekly drums training, riding with my bike. It's not a long distance, but long enough to listen to some music. The music, especially one song I heard this time is going to be important.
The way I drove has one part that is a very long straight through some fields, a few trees and bushes next to it. After that there's a sharp left turn leading to a country road.
As I drive the turn I already see cars parked on the side of the small road and a man in a safety vest standing on the bigger country road. Instantly wondering if there was an accident, I worried a bit. I was proven correct when I saw the police, an ambulance and 2 slightly damaged cars at the side of the country road. Then I saw a woman who helped an older woman who looked way over 70 already, walking. She must have been in one of the cars and be in shock, I thought. Here come's where I fuck up. As I passed them I suddenly grinned a bit. Then a lot, leading to almost-laughter!
**I laughed at an old lady who had a car accident!!** ^^I ^^felt ^^like ^^shit
The explanation for it is the [song I heard, and the part that was played exacly where I noticed the women.](http://youtu.be/UPW8y6woTBI?t=2m) ^Don't ^look ^at ^the ^title! ^just ^listen.
edit: reupload with another title.
Eat_The_Muffin: That's mean
inakzeptabel: I know :(
Eat_The_Muffin: Give everyone who has responded to this thread so far gold and you will feel better ;)
inakzeptabel: hehe nice try
Eat_The_Muffin: It worked already today so I thought I might as well try it again
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1406761006 | 1406818292 | t3_2c6qr0 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Agnesagnesagnes: TIFU by leaving the windows in my car cracked overnight.
This actually happened a few days ago but close enough. Saturday afternoon I was visiting a friend, and I parked under a tree outside the house. It was hot, so I decided to crack the windows--only about an inch, but my car stayed like that for the rest of the day and overnight.
Sunday morning I had to wake up early and go to work, and as I got down to my car, my first thought was "Oh good, no one stole it..." I unlock the driver's side and plop into the seat, only to feel a sensation on the back of my head kind of like when I was a kid taking a bubble bath and the bubbles made a sort of crackling noise when you popped them. I sat there for a few seconds wondering why there were bubbles in my car, before the horrible truth dawned on me.
I, being the calm, cool and collected type, jumped out of the car screaming and slapping myself, looking back at what had just violated my scalp. Sure enough, it was exactly as I feared--a spider had set up his web between the steering wheel and the headrest, and was now frantically running around on the ceiling, probably trying to get his homeowner's insurance on the phone.
This left me with three options:
1) Quit my job and sell the car.
2) Steal a car and use it to go to work.
3) Go recruit help to evacuate my unexpected passenger.
I decided 1) would take too long and 2) would probably end up with glass shards in the hand, so I woke up my friend to come down and request that the spider exit my vehicle. But I have definitely learned to never leave my windows open, ever again, especially if I park under a tree.
beiherhund: What kind of spider are we talking about here?
It may or may not have had time to lay eggs in your hair. I suggest a flamethrower or a razor and shaving cream.
Good luck.
Agnesagnesagnes: I'm bald now.
| 3 | 5 | |
1406761566 | 1406776254 | t3_2c6rse | t5_2to41 | 9 | Stupidass666: TIFU by peeing
So, I woke up this morning feeling a little hazy after having a few drinks last night. Then my memory kicked in and it hit me...
I had to pee after several bourbons. Did I go to the toilet? No. I opened the chest freezer, perched my ass on it, and pissed. In my fucking freezer!
Never drinking again!
ohlookahipster: How is this a fuck up?
Free freezie-pops!
PosthistoricDino: Just tell your friends that they're lemon flavored
| 3 | 3 | |
1406764076 | 1406764412 | t3_2c6w2w | t5_2to41 | 5 | mooology: TIFU by getting lost on the main campus
First off a little background info: I'm a 3rd year music student at my University. The music department doesn't live on main campus, it's in a small building about half an hour away. I've also not been to main campus for over a year.
I suppose my first fuck up was justifying getting the late train, which gave me 3 mins to get to class. My second fuckup was getting hopelessly lost. Basically what should have been a 10 min walk turned into a 40 min aimless fast wander around campus. This wasn't helped by the fact the art buildings are kind of run down/ dead (There were no students around.)
Anyway, this lecturer locks the doors, so now I'm sitting outside the art building posting to reddit.
Ugh.
Kejjeh: At least you can still be productive with Reddit.
mooology: This is true! I mean, I as going to read reddit in class anyway. Now I can read it in the sunshine...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406762352 | 1406789199 | t3_2c6t6e | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by using air freshener
So, let this be a lesson to you all.
I was at the office one day, when I sensed that a whole basket of dumplings needed to be set free (meaning: I needed to take a ginormous dump).
So I went to the toilet and took care of my business. However, near the end I couldn't bear the smell of my own masterpiece anymore, so I grabbed the can of air freshener. And I immediately regretted that decision.
You see, I work at a chemical plant, so any form of gas or smoke in any location is considered a major safety risk, so gas and smoke detectors are all over the place. Even in the bathrooms toilets. And boy do those (smoke) detectors work well. Just after I released some instant pine-forest scent, all hell broke loose as the alarms went off and the sector near the toilet had to be secured and inspected. And they found me, with a stupid grin on my face holding that can of Airwick, standing next to that fresh dump.
TL:DR Never ever use air freshener on a toilet with smoke/gas detectors.
Edit: specified smoke detectors in the bathrooms.
GrammerNotsie: If the "gas" detectors worked that well, and your dumps are as ginormous as you've described, why didn't you set them off before even using the Airwick? Something stinks here, and I don't like it. ;-)
[deleted]: Thanks for spotting that: meant to say smoke detector (gas detectors are only inside EX production areas). Our smoke detectors are optical as they should recognise any type of smoke/vapour. Will edit it right away.
GrammerNotsie: Relax, I'm only joking.
[deleted]: Oh right.. Thought I entered hostile reddit-grounds again :P . Nevertheless, clarification won't hurt!
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1406766070 | 1406835452 | t3_2c6zbf | t5_2to41 | 12 | TheMomerathOutgrabe: TIFU by realizing that I've been using the SAME reddit account to ask people questions that are vaguely professional (and then using my real e-mail to follow up) and to ask/answer sex questions in great detail. I am an idiot.
Has anyone else done this? Tell me I'm not alone.
Creating a new account ASAP...
PM_ME_FIREARMS: I did on /u/blameomega
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: ...Get many firearms?
PM_ME_FIREARMS: Mostly arms on fire, not guns.
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: That was what I was about to do. But then I didn't want to set my arms ablaze.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1406765763 | 1406767467 | t3_2c6yt7 | t5_2to41 | 2 | pick_up_the_phone_: TIFU by not killing a spider.
Today was the best day in a really long time. And I'm going to remember it. My parents went away so I've had the house to myself. My boyfriend came over this morning and we spent the morning cuddling and then the whole day binge watching Netflix and eating bad food. Typical fucking movie shit. And we both really fucking enjoyed it. And then he went home.
I went into my room and lay in bed. And looked up. And saw a spider. I fucking shit myself. I'm so fucking scared of spiders, it was about the size of a £1 coin. Tears started streaming from my face uncontrollably every-time my eyes focused on it's legs. I've never reacted this badly to a spider before. I was being pathetic and I accept that. But I really couldn't control myself. I phoned up my boyfriend and we have a twenty minute conversation. He's telling me to kill it and I'm in my room edging around my bed trying to find the best angle. I pull myself together and I stand on my bed, glass in hand, then I start fucking crying again. And then I say sorry to my boyfriend still on the phone who is listening to me being a whiny bitch. He gradually starts getting more angry with me the more I cry and be pathetic and then says he's going to hang up if I don't just fucking kill it. I ended up just telling him I couldn't do it and hung up. Then I phoned my friend who is also home alone.
When I was on the phone with my friend she said that she'd come down to mine (only a 15 minute walk) but it's too late and dark. It was 11:30PM. I said I'd meet her halfway so I hung up. Then my boyfriend calls up and asks if I've killed it yet. I just said '(friend) is coming down, I'm meeting her halfway'. Then he hung up on me and I knew I'd pissed him off.
Anyway spider gone, I'm nearly puking because I ran so fast and I hardly move anyway. And I'm home alone again. My boyfriend won't take my calls. I have amazing days, and I single handedly ruin them in seconds right at the end.
TL;DR I freaked out at a spider, became a whiny fucking bitch, ruined a great day and my boyfriend won't talk to me. I feel like fucking shit.
Red_Bean_Paste: The way I deal with it, instead of trying to rationalize and think, stay calm before I eventually kill them, I just lunge at them before I give myself time to think.
I'm scared of spiders also and if I give myself too much time to think, then I won't be able to kill them. I now instantly murder them within a couple seconds of spotting them.
Once you kill your first few spiders, then it becomes really easy.
pick_up_the_phone_: I will definitely try to take that approach the next time I see one of those eight legged freaks, thanks
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406766753 | 1406835288 | t3_2c70g7 | t5_2to41 | 1,270 | [deleted]: TIFU by lending my "friend" the last 300 dollars I had to help pay his rent, in which he would pay me back friday. In turn, he stole money and ruined my planned vacation with girlfriend.
So, my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years and we have never been on vacation together. We both work full time jobs and attend college, she also takes full time care of her grandmother. Long story short, we have been planning on driving across state to swim with manatees and go snorkeling this weekend for the last 3 months. When yesterday, my good nature got the better of me. A "friend" and co-worker I've known for the last 6 years called me in tears talking about how he is about to be evicted if he doesn't come up with 300 dollars. He promised to pay me back friday when he saw me at work, well.. he never showed up to work today. After asking around I found out he was fired and was moving. His phone is off. I have no money. I now have to spend the next few hours trying to figure out a way to tell my girlfriend I completely ruined our vacation because I'm an idiot. I want to cry. I work really hard and I just wanted to make my girlfriend happy and swim with a damn manatee..
Edit: grutrader is a man of his word! My vacation plans are still good to go! Ill post pictures once I'm back. Thank you grutrader and punchyourbuns.. You're both amazing people
GruTrader: OP. Message me privately. Everyone sometimes needs a bit of good luck to come to them. I'll send you $300. I do not need anything from you, a simple thank you will do.
GruTrader: http://oi58.tinypic.com/21cy29y.jpg
Money has been sent. Added an extra $50 on top for the trip. Enjoy the swim with the Manatees. MTCN # is in your inbox.
shodanx: 1 wow this is awesome
2 wow 35$ to transfer money ?? Western Union is a total ripoff !! They don't even protect you in case the person you are sending money to is defrauding you !
fentsterTHEglob: Yea up to like 2000 money gram is waayyyy better way of sending loot, short of just asking the persons name what what bank they use, if its a national chain, can deposit cash, and is available immediately if its cash, takes couple days if its check
rob_var: chase has a quick pay app that lets you send money to anyone, there is also paypal and visa.me
fentsterTHEglob: PayPal is a pain in the fuckin ass, nice when easy but if shit dont go the way it supposed to, its fucked....chase is right if both have chase app, if not random stranger must feel ok given you routing numbers and all that, like setting up direct deposit, cash is king, goto bank, say put x amt in x persons acct, no trails except what bank was used
rob_var: chase you don't give out routing number or account info its simply phone number or email associated with your account
but I agree it doesn't work if they have different banks
Soulphalanx: It does work if you have different banks, as long as one person has chase. It requires a longer setup and verification of the non-chase bank, and may take longer to transfer money, but afterwards, it works just the same.
rob_var: Hmmmm never knew this, thanks for the info I'll check it out
| 10 | 127 | |
1406767208 | 1406767621 | t3_2c715q | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my girlfriend because of call of duty
So this happend about a year ago during summer. During that time i was 14 and i had never ever had a girlfriend before and never thought i would have one for a very long time. Untill my ex (a friend during that time), lets call her kathy actually did want to become my girlfriend and asked me out and I of course said yes to her offer. Then during our relationship i did my best to be the nicest boyfriend ever. I helped her family replace her house carpet which took hours, i came to her place any time she called me over and she would want me to come over during the morning and i would wake early just to see her, i helped her wash her dog, helped her family clean the house, helped clean her backyard, help replace her house carpet myself even though her whole family is resting up, let her have access to my phone and ipod anytime she wanted, and even going to the stinky as fuck junkyard for her to throw away all the trash from her house. Overall i thought this relationship would last for a very long time and i loved her very much. Her family also did like me a lot. Though one day when she was playing black ops 2 online, she got in a lobby with a very flirty guy (call him john) and she talked to him all night for days through xbox live. She would talk about him all the time with me after that and i just thought john was just a friend. Then i should of seen the break up coming when she messeged me that she has me and john to make me happy after having a conversation with me about her so called "depression" through text. After a few days of meeting john she broke up with me through text (i know it's pathetic) while i was in class during summer school. I didnt cry during class and held the tears in, but when i got home i cried like a little bitch and found out right after she broke up with me she hooked up with john and would kinect video chat him through xbox live. Also john lives in california and kathy lives in hawaii (she lives close to me). I forgot to mention that kathy is 2 years younger than me and john is 17. I skipped out on all my summer classes after the break up (i know im pathetic) and i also found out she lied that i cheated on her 2 weeks after the breakup. Overall i felt used and wasted half my summer at her house helping her family clean it and do hard labor.
Note: sorry for the bad grammar, i am typing all of this on an ipod.
Edit: currently kathy is friendly towards me and treats me nice but i still hate her for this whole incident. I also found out she been online dating guys way older than her.
Edit 2: no i will not be posting her gamertag or real name (to prevent bullying and cyber bullying)
Note 2: i appreciate all the support you guys have given me and i really am thankful for it.
NOT_ah_BOT: You spelt grammar wrong lol.
Dude, you're young you'll find another girl, and you didnt fuck up, she did.
Jarrettosan: Thanks for the response and i corrected my error XD
| 3 | 1 | |
1406767071 | 1406772598 | t3_2c70xs | t5_2to41 | 8 | derekkeller: TIFU by vacuuming up fish line.
About ten minutes ago I was cleaning up around the apartment. During the vacuuming portion the job I started smelling something funny and hearing jittering sounds in my junk drawer. I shut the vacuum off and went over to investigate. Upon opening the drawer, my utility knife popped out and almost stabbed me in the foot. I realized it was [tangled in some fish line](http://i.imgur.com/4TZMe8u) that led from the [spool in the drawer to the brush on the vacuum cleaner](http://i.imgur.com/qKKexnP).
I then realized that the line wasn't coming directly from the brush, but [from an inch up out of the plastic above the brush](http://i.imgur.com/8tOWbfP). If you look close you can see that the line literally sliced its way up through the plastic as it gained heat and tension from being [spooled](http://i.imgur.com/rydwhSs.jpg) up on the brush so quickly.
This isn't as bad as some of the shit you read on here, but it could have gone a lot worse if I didn't shut off the vacuum when I did. That knife was about to come shooting out of the drawer. Now it's time to go take care of this mess..
Duke_Poo: Could have been worse... you could have wasted an entire spool of perfectly good fishing line.
derekkeller: Shit yeah that would have been worse. Luckily this line sucks, and I really don't know why I still had it.
Duke_Poo: I know why you still have it. Same reason I have spare line in random places.. End of the World... I'll have fish, and a way to booby trap my house with explosives.
derekkeller: shhhhh
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1406770607 | 1406779672 | t3_2c76hf | t5_2to41 | 12 | AmandaGaia: TIFU by not realizing my youngest daughter needed to be taught not to put things in electrical outlets.
Ok, so this didn't happen today, it happened yesterday. And she's alright, didn't even get electrocuted which is lucky for her since it was a penny she stuck in there. But I was the one who fucked up because I was cooking in the same room she was in when this happened and the thought never crossed my mind "She needs to be watched."
So, here's the back story. My youngest child, Georgia*, has never tried to put anything in an electrical outlet before that she hasn't seen go into an outlet (i.e. she'll plug in the toaster or vacuum cleaner but has never put a coin in). So when she found a penny in the dryer after helping me get the clothes out, I thought nothing about letting her have the coin for her piggy bank.
There was no popping sound, no "Ouch" from her, nothing to indicate she had put the penny in the outlet when she was in the kitchen with me while I cooked. The only thing I knew was she brought it to me and said "My penny dirty and broke mommy". I saw that there was some black marks on it, and a dint on the edge, but since I couldn't remember what it looked like coming out of the dryer I assumed that it looked that way all along.
Long story short; I didn't pay attention, my child could have been electrocuted, and hubby has been ignoring me since because I never thought to tell our 4 year old to not stick coins in an electrical outlet. :-/
[deleted]: Hubby is being a dick. It is a shared failure.
AmandaGaia: I had her for the first three years (he's her step dad, not biological) so the fault lies with me.
wrong_profession: No it doesn't. Fault is both..
flamingtoastjpn: how... Hubby wasn't around during the time where that would be taught...
Anyway, to OP, no harm done. Shit happens, just make sure you kids know for next time and nothing bad is going to happen
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1406771368 | 1406787345 | t3_2c77r1 | t5_2to41 | 34 | Duke_Poo: TIFU by winning..
Today was a long, slow day at work. The construction site I'm on is winding down, and gets handed over in a week, so there is pretty much nothing to do. Several of us were in the lunch room staying awake, when an electrician had a bright idea. Since we were all sitting on our phones anyway, lets all share our favorite fucked up youtube vid/song, winner based on overall reaction by everyone else....
Fine, it might burn 30 mins or something, 30 mins closer to cofee time, 30 mins closer to the end of the day. So off we go.. I already know what I'm playing.. and apparently this was just as easy for everyone else. We start, it's all pretty lame shit, mostly excerpts from comedy shows, which leads to us wasting an hour watching comedy clips. So about 10 min till cofee time, it's my turn. I Load up a Bam Margera song.. Bend My Dick To My Ass. I play it, they watch, and as the song progresses, you can see in their faces, that they think I am a seriously fucked individual. Some kinda looked at me, as to say "You are not the person I thought you were", others kinda looked at me like "Holy shit, wtf is wrong with you?"
Then someone said, while watching the vid. "OMG did he just piss in his mouth?" I reply "Yeah" with a goofy grin on my face. Silence... The song ended, aaaaaand... it's cofee time. No one said anything, they didn't have to. I won. Rest of the afternoon was awkward, electricians found some work to do, away from me. =) Only my crew talked with me, they were really the only ones that didn't avoid eye contact with me the rest of the day.
Tomorrow should be fun, maybe I'll see if anyone wants to try and dethrone me. They'll fail, I thought that song was pretty tame. Ace up my sleeve.. I have subreddits I can send them to.
Great song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqGGNf5fv8k
Mickey1984: Yeah with those older worked they see no humor with that type of entertainment. He'll some of them think that those paranormal activities movies are real. Next time just show them a cyst removal vid. What did you win btw?
Duke_Poo: Nothing.
Friendly competion, to waste time. Like seeing who can throw the most screws, 1 at a time, into a cofee cup 20 ft away.. who can make the tallest tower using the paper cups for the water cooler, best wire figurine created with wire cut offs, bending and folding the faces on cash, and seeing who's was funniest.
WE get paid to do this.. by the hour.
edit: spelling, formatting,
flamingtoastjpn: See this is why fixing the roads takes so damn long, I knew it!
But I would totally fuck around on the job if I had a chance!
Duke_Poo: Final week/weeks is mainly final deficiencies, systems testing, and other crap. It's government/institutional buildings, so a great deal off things have to be working 100% before we turn over the building. We are there to make sure it goes smoothly, and if something arises, we can fix it. But when you know it's perfect, you just have to wait to be told it's perfect.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1406773165 | 1406773371 | t3_2c7apc | t5_2to41 | 4 | forehead_tittaes: TIFU by wearing shorts on top of boxers
Now I'm walking around Seoul with a giant erection visible to everyone.
zugtug: Generally there is more story when you tell a story.
forehead_tittaes: It flatters me that you want to hear more about Lieutenant General.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406773679 | 1406831491 | t3_2c7bjf | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking my shirt off by a pool
I was at a party with some friends and I decided to take my shirt off by the pool just for fun and cause it was hot outside. Some dumbass at the party decided it would be funny and shoved me into the pool. Bad thing was that my phone was in my pocket and it got destroyed by water damage. I tried soaking it in rice but that didn't work either. The apple store found the rice inside the phone after I told them it was software damage which was even more awkward. Now I'm phoneless for a year. FML
CrazieMexican: Can any charges be pressed?
AuMatar: Not charges, the guy didn't do anything illegal. But he can be sued if the OP has any proof or any witnesses. Of course going to him and asking him to replace it should be your first step.
Fuck-Sprint: Actually. In the USA whether intended contact was meant in fun or jest does not discount the fact that it is assault and battery to lay your hands (without being asked) on another person. Press charges for a&b and list the loss of phone as part of damages. Include a little bit for stress and the days spent losing work/studies etc as a result of loss of use of your phone.
**EDIT: TL;DR: Pushing someone is assault and battery! Illegal!!!**
AuMatar: You're not just wrong, you show no understanding of the law.
1)The circumstances can always mitigate and action. Case law will show that an action like this is not considered assault. Go ahead- ask any cop to arrest someone for it. I'll wait for you to find one willing. I expect your response sometime in 2025 or so.
2)In the US people don't press charges- a DA has to. No DA in the country is going to take that to trial.
3)No jury in the country is going to convict and send someone to jail for it. And no judge in a bench trial will either, he'd be pissed at the DA for even bringing it.
4)Talking about damages and stress is a civil lawsuit, you don't have damages in an assault case. Assault and battery are both felony criminal trials.
5)If you include stress and time from lost work in a lawsuit for a broken phone due to being pushed in the pool you're not going to win it. You'll just piss off the judge. In fact you're more likely to see the judge throw out the entire case for even trying it than be awarded it. He would win the value of the phone (current value, not the cost of a new phone) if he had some evidence or convinced the judge. But stress from a lost phone doesn't exist. And lost work is almost never winnable- he would have to have been made physically incapable of work. Replacing a phone is too easy, and if he chose not to he wasn't mitigating his damages and thus isn't entitled to them.
sinni800: As a German it took me a minute of trial and error to realize a DA is a district attorney (or is it?)
AuMatar: Yes, it is.
sinni800: Kay!
| 8 | 4.25 | |
1406775028 | 1406776663 | t3_2c7dlw | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting my mom a pornhub video link
Alright, so I couple days ago i was browsing the hubs, if you know what I mean, on my phone. To be honest, I was in the mood for a quick boosh before I hopped in the shower. I was looking for videos to go along with my boosh and I noticed the video would not play. I copied the video link to try it in a few different browsers.
Fast forward to today, My dad and I have been looking for a car to purchase. We both went to look at one today and both my mom and aunt wanted to know what it was like. I texted my aunt first, explaining how it went. This is where the fuck up is. After i sent the message to my aunt, i tried to copy it so i can send it to my mom too since i'm too lazy to type one seperate for her. You can probably guess what went wrong. IT DIDN'T FUCKIN' COPY. I go to my mom and I's text conversation and I paste the pornhub video link (when i thought it would be what i sent to my aunt) and hit send immediately after i paste it. Lo and behold, I send a pornhub link to my mom.
I started to panic, not that i would be embarrassed or anything, but it is my mom i sent it to. That is a little weird. After i sent the link, i simply texted "Woops, meant to send something else" and then I pasted what was meant to be sent in the first place. She didn't say anything about the pornhub link, so I think she was completely oblivious to it. I haven't spoken to her in person yet, hopefully i got away with it.
TL;DR: I sent a pornhub link to my mom when I meant to send something I sent to my aunt that supposedly "copied." Not.
TorturedMoss: The question is, did the porn hub link work before your shower?
Royalnick: Indeed it did. It was POV.
TorturedMoss: Good choice, any particular porn star?
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1406776865 | 1406780310 | t3_2c7ghf | t5_2to41 | 132 | BoscoBear: TIFU by clapping after the playing of "Taps" at my uncle's funeral.
My uncle was a Navy veteran and passed away earlier this week. During the graveside service the Navy bugler began to play "Taps" and a lot was racing through my mind about my poor aunt saying goodbye to her husband of 50 years, the passing of time, my own mortality, and watching my cousins break down in tears. I was also fighting the urge to laugh due to nervousness. At the end of the piece I got three solid, loud-ass claps in before I realized i should not be doing this. Dammit I feel like an asshole.
[deleted]: Why would you laugh due to nervousness? That makes no sense.
PM_ME_YOUR_CHINS: It's not really a choice, some people just laugh. I know a girl who smiles when she's really uncomfortable, it's really confusing sometimes.
| 3 | 44 | |
1406778258 | 1406850398 | t3_2c7ifo | t5_2to41 | 96 | [deleted]: TIFU by making omelette with extra protein
So, we live in a dormitory. Lots of weird guys in one building. We like to spend our evenings with few crates of beer and chitchat. Fun gathering with half dozen or so people. But there's this guy who is older than us and probably the cockiest, meanest person in the whole world. He has a job and always the last person to join the gathering. He will call from the way and will say, there's enough beer right boys, some smoke too I guess, few packs of chips!!! I am coming...
He never paid for a single can of beer. So, when yesterday evening he called and said he would like to have a omelette with his beer we decided to serve him the best omelette in the universe.
We took a cup, took turn to masturbate and collect the cum in it (it was hell of a episode). Some did it in the room, some in the bathroom. But after 20 mins we managed to collect some good quality 50 ml cum. We added two eggs, some onion and made the omelette (the smell was bit uncomfortable, guess we are never using that frying pan again).
Then we just sat around like nothing happened. After 10 minutes that asshole arrived and started shouting about his omelette and beer. We gave him two chilled cans of tuborg and the omelette! He took a bite and a sip and said it's awesome. Actually he was bit surprised that we really made him a omelette.
When he finished the first can of beer along with the omelette and complimented me for my cooking skills. We just couldn't take it anymore. The whole building rattled with laughter. One of my friends actually pissed himself laughing.
Then the youngest jerk in our group who was a bit uncomfy about this business, told the omelette eater everything.
He puked for almost 2 hours, It was gross. My room is devastated. We actually had to admit him in a hospital. Now he is threatening us that he will go to the police, which I doubt. He won't put his reputation in the line... will he???
Though maybe we have to provide him with lifetime supply of beer!
So, this is my story of fucking up really badly
UPDATE: I am sorry guys...I was angry and shit. But that don't justify what I did. We all apologized to him. He got discharged from the hospital after some good doses of saline water. He is calm now, but says won't live in a same dorm with us (He is actually leaving!). Everyone else is making jokes and laughing behind him. I feel so sad...will miss him. He always used to light up the gatherings with crazy shit stories...maybe someday he will share this story in some other gathering, drinking free beer...
dementedsnake: ...Can you make me an omelette?
Anal-thrasher69: ಠ_ಠ
I_AM_AN_OMEGALISK: ಠ⌣ಠ
beagleboyj2: ಥ_ಥ
zue3: These are glorious.
[deleted]: ☼_☼
| 7 | 13.714286 | |
1406778877 | 1406779585 | t3_2c7j90 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Inigo93: TIFU at the office....
...I turned on a pump on a delicate piece of equipment but didn't realize that a certain valve had been closed. Result? Meh... About $30,000 worth of damage.
I_Will_Try_More: Did you own up to it or did you walk away with your hands behind your back whistling?
Inigo93: It's my facility. I'm in the manager... By definition it's my fault even if it isn't... But in this case, it is, of course.
edit: That means that, yes, I owned up. Besides, there were witnesses.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406778404 | 1406830229 | t3_2c7im3 | t5_2to41 | 70 | Jayjaythejetplane26: TIFU by almost losing my best friend because of a pregnant prostitute
K. First post.
I have an amazing dog, she's well behaved, well trained and a great ambassador for the pit bull breed. I love her dearly. I suffer from some mental issues and she is a rock for me. I am a disabled veteran and as corny as it may sound my dog has given me a reason to live. She goes everywhere with me.
Today we are staying in a hotel and when I get home from work we went a couple doors down she met some of my new friends and they loved her situation normal. I head back to my room to head to bed and this crazy looking chic staying beside me asks me if I can fix her tv.
So I dropped my dog off at the room I flip open the manual lock because my key is somewhere inside and walk over to press a couple buttons and go on with my life. This girl looks pregnant and I was just being a general nice guy.
So I walk in and she's like you can close the door and I'm like ok whatever, I'm just setting this shit up and going on with my life. Plug up her ps3, and her computer is being weird, it wouldn't pull up the hotel wifi log in page.
I'm right in the middle of trying to manually enter the address when her phone rings. She picks it up and answers starts talking to someone and then I hear fifty for a half hour one hundred for a whole. And wheels turns bells ding and I'm like lol.
I finally get this stuff fixed took like 15 minutes, I walk into my room and my dog is gone. I go into full on panic. She's not the type to run off. She doesn't chase things, and she went through some pretty miserable shit in her life, she was in a kill shelter and then a petsmart for a year. So we have a deep bond. She's just not the type to disappear on me.
I start running around the hotel, I'm about to burst into tears yelling for her and calling and looking. I saw one of the guys that she met early and he was like yeah we saw her she came over to hang out but we put her back in your room. I'm frantically looking for her and I run back in my room I hear the hotel phone ringing. It's the front desk and she's down there with them.
TL;DR left my room door open while I was helping a pregnant prostitute Hooke up her ps3 and computer to the tv, dog went out looking for me in all the places I have taken her and ended up chilling at the hotel front desk.
ShowStoppa718: So was the hooker hot or what?
Jayjaythejetplane26: No. Not at all. And I'm pretty sure she was coked out of her mind she was pretty gross looking too.
BarryMcCackiner: For $100 an hour that is not surprising...
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1406780305 | 1406844630 | t3_2c7lco | t5_2to41 | 32 | BakerChef: TIFU by asking my principal how her summer was
So i recently changed schools and i don't really know the staff at my new school. My school is very small so when i was walking in the hall, the principal knew i was new so she asked me how i spent my summer. I said i just stayed in town and i asked her if she had went out of town. She said she went to phoenix so i said (just to be polite, I guess I exaggerated) " Oh wow! How awesome, i bet you really enjoyed yourself!". Unbeknownst to me she was there the whole summer getting treated for her cancer. She made a very sad face and I noticed my comment depressed her. I felt so bad and everything got very tense after that.
Masterof_theHouse: OP does know that it is currently the dead middle of summer right now...
and that school isn't even in session?
nor could she have spent her whole summer being treated for cancer in arizona, because its still fucking summer?
BakerChef: Actually mine started this monday since we get out for summer in the beginning of may. I go to a private school so we get out at different times. Also i asked my principal how her summer break was, not the whole summer because indeed summer has not finished.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1406763358 | 1406789638 | t3_2c6uwf | t5_2to41 | 3 | serpentwhistler: TIFU by laughing about the space Shuttle Columbia disaster
February 1, 2003, I and four or five family members arrived at Newark Int'l Airport for a flight to Phoenix. Upon arrival, we learned that our flight had been delayed a couple of hours, due to a pilot scheduling error by the airline.
My Aunt wasn't pleased, because she had scheduled a meeting with a realtor later in the day and had allowed plenty of time between our scheduled arrival and the meeting, and she made her displeasure clear at check-in. The airline bumped all of us to first class.
Sitting in first class waiting to taxi, the guy sitting next to me finished a call on his cell phone, turned to me and asked, "Did you hear that the Space Shuttle Challenger blew up today?"
I laughed rather loudly, pointing out that the Challenger accident was over 15 years prior. I was fifteen when I watched it live on television. I thought that he must be joking.
After a disapproving look about my reaction, he said "Oh, I meant the other one. It blew up today on reentry."
My smirk quickly disappeared. I can't imagine the look on my face when I realized my mistake. I was very quiet on that flight.
Sure, he fucked up, too, by naming the wrong spacecraft. But my fuckup was slightly over the top.
Dinosoarman: Not a fuckup. I didnt even know there was a Challenger II.
serpentwhistler: I'm not sure I follow. You didn't know that there were more than one space shuttle? Or you didn't know that were more than one space shuttle accident?
Either way, laughing about news of a tragedy is okay then?
Let's say you had one sister Jane and one sister Mary. Sister Jane died in a plane crash when you were fifteen. You and your family were devastated.
Fiften years later you run into a schoolmate who says that he heard that your sister Jane died in a plane crash today.You wonder what the joke is, because Jane died fifteen years ago when you were in class with your schoolmate, so you burst into laughter. Your schoolmate then reveals that he meant to say that he saw on the news that your sister Mary died in a plane crash, today.
Sure, your laughter was a result of a miscommunication, but you laughed about your sister's death. That's fine with you?
| 3 | 1 | |
1406783340 | 1406785485 | t3_2c7paa | t5_2to41 | 935 | UnidanX: TIFU by manipulating reddit votes.
agentlame: I assume you picked TIFU because it's a default, but this doesn't belong here at all. This is silly meta-reddit nonsense.
Traditionally--as you already knew before you posted this--people make posts like this to /r/self. It has a long standing tradition of being the go to for people that consider themselves so important as to address all of reddit.
UnidanX: Someone basically asked me to make a post on there, I thought it'd be a little humorous since, well, I did fuck up. I thought it fit the bill for the sub, but apologies if it didn't.
agentlame: Not as a mod of this sub, but as a redditor, I find that hard to believe. You've been aping for attention all day over this.
Really, why are you on this non-stop PR campaign? You did something that anyone on reddit would have been banned for, and you got banned for it. Let it be that.
You've already gotten better treatment than most redditors would in the same situation... just let it go. We get it.
| 4 | 233.75 | |
1406784354 | 1406870662 | t3_2c7qkq | t5_2to41 | -9 | Tifu-disposable: TIFU By Stalking a girl and making her piss her pants with rape-fear (NSFW)
I will start by saying that the unfortunate string of events has opened my eyes to the state of our society. So... First off I am not a stalker or a rapist xD. I was at a buds house having a few Drinks last night and I decided to call a friend to hook up (she only has a land line Atm). So I leave my buds house while talking to one of my oldest friends on the phone.
I was drunk and horny and chatting on the phone so I really payed no attention to the girl I had seemingly been following for the past 5 minutes. My friend is describing how she is going to give me a very special BJ. I replied with a "sounds great can't wait" and a "I am gunna Fuck you real violent bitch" and she instantly started laughing and jokingly yelled "YOU GET NOTHING! SUCK YOUR OWN DICK" Without thinking I jokingly yelled back "I AM GUNNA SHOVE MY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH AND MAKE YOU SUCK IT!!"
If you are still reading this then you clearly know just how bad I had fucked up... It gets worse.. much worse. This poor girl walking a few meters ahead of me spins around and falls onto her knees starts screaming and crying and sobbing "NOT AGAIN! PLEASE NO!"
I put my cell away and slowly non threateningly walked towards her explaining I was talking on the phone and that I absolutely meant her no harm. I am still a few meters away when she jumps up and drunk runs away. I grabbed my cell out and called her back to explain this fucked up situation we had just caused... No answer so continue my walk towards sweet sweet Poon-tang. Get to her door and there is a note saying "ran to store come on in" So I silently open the door to not Wake up her neighbors and make my way to the bathroom. I gotta piss so bad that I pull my junk out before Even turning the corner in the hallway to the pisser, And guess who is just coming out of the bathroom.... YUP.
So there I am Dick in hand standing between an unknown horrified girl and the only exit. She screamed a horrible death cry and fell backwards kicking and screaming while pissing all over herself. Completely confused and shocked I back away stuttering "Oh gods and Holy Shits" when I get a thunderous smash to my temple.
I look up from the hallway floor to see the equally shocked and confused face of my main squeeze. After dealing with the neighbors (who have known me since I was kid) I went back inside to explain and deal with the fucked up situation. After trying to work things out I decided to just go home and sleep it off.
This morning friend called me and explained that her cousin had drove from a few towns over with some school friends to spend the weekend in a cabin. One of her "friends?!?" spiked her drink and the 2 guys took turns raping her while her friends were passed out. She had walked 2 hours down a dirt road in the forest to get to town and then was followed by a giant guy talking about how he was gunna "violent fuck her and make her suck his dick"...
I feel so disgusted with myself and the state of the world, The only reason she knew what had happened and got away was because the Pig rapists didn't use enough drugs to knock her out. They fully expected to KO her and then have her never know what had happened.
atxy89: So... you din use enough drugs and tracked down your target for seconds?
Tifu-disposable: Ugh... yeah no.. We called the cops this morning and she is pressing charges on the 2 guys from her school. Me and her cousin are also setting her up with an apartment down the street and she will continue school in our town.
CormagMHFU: why are you doing this?
| 4 | -2.25 | |
1406780462 | 1407206291 | t3_2c7ljx | t5_2to41 | 28 | wpg88: TIFU: by not realizing my leg fell asleep during felatio.
So my relationship with this girl had already been kind of weird, she was a virgin not super sexually experienced but willing to experiment. I am a bit older than she is and I have been sexually active since I was 16. (I am 27 now) So last night we are fooling around on her bed her shirts off but her pants are on and my pants are off but my shirt is on. Now I'm not a small guy I am about 6'2 so on her small single bed my legs were hanging off the side a bit...Que her starting to suck my dick, well she's not very good at it (she tried to suck too hard hurt her jaw), but bless her heart she kept trying and I admired her effort.
After about an hour had passed I was sick of waiting for this to end so I decided to take things into my own hands (literally) and jerked myself off. Things were good I had a bit of a mess to clean up so I was about to get off her bed and go to the washroom...Little did I know during this whole time my legs were completely asleep but at the time I couldn't tell.
I took one step forward and my leg's immediately gave out. My right leg was behind my ass pretty much I had jizz all over myself and the next day it felt like I had hyper extended my knee and the next week it hurt a lot. I laid there in all my gloriousness and we laughed about it at the time I asked her to throw me a towel or something while I laid there. Let that be a lesson to you guys, it could happen to you ;)
EDIT 1: Earlier in that night before this happened I had already finger banged her and all that jazz before this happened, I am not a selfish lover ;)
TLDR; Got head from a girl, legs fell asleep, collapsed when I went to the washroom, hyper extended knee
AsstarMcButtNugget: What a horrible first blowjob experience for her:
• she works for an hour
• you get sick of it
• you jerk off in front of her
• you collapse
• and need a towel
That's pretty bad.
ps - make an O with any part of your body. If it gets penetrated, you've lost a virginity. Blowjob and finger banging, she's fooling herself about her virginity.
wpg88: • bullet-ed points doesn't make you sound cooler
• not my fault she sucked at it
• nobody knows how to get me off like I do
• collapsing was inevitable when I had no clue my leg was sleep
• what other form of antiseptic should I have used to clean up my semen?
AsstarMcButtNugget: Okay. I did something remarkably similar to this in college too, 17 years ago. In my case it was with a girl I cared about: we developed a platonic relationship, and over the summer we started sleeping together.
Literally sleeping together. Not sexing. Just cuddling in bed and falling asleep. She'd had a bad previous boyfriend of 4-5 years: cheated on her, manipulated her emotions, the whole nine.
Somehow we just ended up sharing a bed. And that first night, I had such sex dreams, sleeping next to this very hot, very unavailable, very close young lady. I woke up with jizzed pajama pants, and slinked off to my dorm room one floor up to wash up.
The second night: again, we share a bed, we sleep- no kissing, no groping, I'm a gentleman. We just cuddle. We sleep.
I jizz my fucking pants again.
About 7pm on the third night, I excuse myself to go upstairs. I rub a quick one out. Night three, we sleep- just sleep- together. Morning three: no jizz, beating off worked.
A month passes. I evidently have passed some test. I come back from rubbing it out, and we seduce each other. We're kissing, we're undressing, I go down on her with all the skill I've got. She orgasms, shouts my name, I am animal. I am hard; an orgasming woman turns me on. She repays the favor.
5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. She takes a break, asks if she's doing it wrong. I don't tell her I've been masturbating each night so I don't jizz and wake up with sticky humiliation on me. I say she's doing great and I'm just holding out. 10 minutes later she says I don't have to hold out.
I have the opposite of performance anxiety; I don't have a limp dick, I have a magnificently hard one. I have no idea how to bust a nut a second time. I damn well know we're not having sex tonight.
So I flip her over. I spit on her ass. I tittyfuck her ass cheeks; I'm not parting the leather Cheerio, just having a good time with her southern globes. At some point my dick slips down into her clit - now I'm fucking across her slit, not even placing the tip within: I'm a god damned gentleman, friend.
I get back up on her asscheeks, reach around and work that clit with a finger. We're kissing, tongues and whispers flying in the dark. I feel it - I rise - and I'm cumming.
And soiled and sticky we fall asleep.
The next day, all she can ask is why I didn't like the blowjob. She's never had to work that hard before, and I tell you: it was a great one. I couldn't convince her of that, though. All she knows is she gave me 30 minutes of sucking where in the past she'd only ever had to do 5-7 minutes tops.
Her jaw hurt. Her pride hurt. Her confidence was shot.
So yeah - I tell you: what you gave that girl was a horrible blowjob experience. You taught her that she can't satisfy you. And you say it yourself, "nobody knows how to get me off like I do".
Here's where we both went wrong: we treated the male orgasm as being the entire purpose of a sex act. Oh, I've finger/tongue banged you? Baby, that's foreplay to get you riding my dick. It's now my turn, and we're gonna work this cock until I blow my load. I literally don't care if you're down there for 30 or 60 minutes, now it's my turn.
Here's what we should have done: after 10 minutes, we both knew if wasn't happening. We should have just pulled those girls back up, kissed them, and gone back down on them again.
Write off an orgasm every now and then. Just take pleasure in giving pleasure. With this girl of yours, okay, big deal about blowing her confidence, you two broke up. No huge loss.
But when you get into a long lasting relationship, you'll need to not make every sex event about your orgasm.
I'm sure you're just deaf to this, and will just downvote this post as you did the last one. But continue to treat every sex encounter as though it's a "I gave you a dollar so you give me a dollar" type transaction, and you'll hurt someone you truly care for, just for the purpose of getting a load off - something you can damn well do on your own after she falls asleep.
wpg88: I don't downvote peoples post's lol and I see what you're saying.
AsstarMcButtNugget: Thanks for listening. This whole thing happened 18 years ago for me.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1406785667 | 1406864420 | t3_2c7s5m | t5_2to41 | 20 | wombatfever: TIFU by going to South Dakota
TIFU by going to South Dakota; leaving my fiancee (been dating for 4 years) back in Arizona. Was just gone for a week, things were pretty much ok until that point. I went out of my way to make her feel special the entire time I was gone. Sent flowers to her work because it was the first day of school (she's a teacher). Called/texted as much as possible, but she didn't respond to any of my calls or texts.
Thought something was wrong, but I had no idea how wrong things could be. She had been extremely ill the year before with a rare disease and I cared for her every single day she was sick in the hospital (2 and a half months). I love her more than anything else and saw my role as a protector/supporter. I finally asked her to marry me about a month ago and she said YES. Let's just say I took my wedding vows a year ago, and I saw this actual marriage as a formality. Well, I got back to Arizona and she told me we were through and that she was moving out of our dream home, where we were going to make a life for ourselves. To make matters worse, she moved in with the most random of all bros; a new co-worker at her school.
I'm not sure if this goes in this category, but... TIFU, ask me any questions/looking for any reason to retain any sense of self worth or dignity. Today is the worst day of my life.
MrMayate: Today you learned that you almost married the wrong person. This is a blessing in disguise. You may not see it now but you will eventually.
wombatfever: I'd say I'm the furthest away from seeing it, I already had it through my head that this was what my life was about.
MrMayate: We have expectations of life but life likes to give us what we least expect. This is an event that can bring you down or inspire you, happens to you is all depends on how you respond and that part is up to you. You have control of that. You may be overwhelmed and feel like you are going down but you are still in control. It is going to hurt for a while but that is what is supposed to happen when you lose someone you love.
wombatfever: she said she was "closing the door" but not locking it on me. what am i supposed to gather from that?
MrMayate: Let's look at the big picture here. You left for a week, didn't hear from her, you come back, she leaves and is living with a coworker. She does not want to be with you right now. She might just want some space to figure out some things. The best thing to do is the most difficult and that is to leave her alone and let her come back to you when she is ready while being ready and preparing yourself for the possibility that she may not come back.
wombatfever: Thanks for the overview, man. It is just hard to accept that she doesn't want to be with me right now. I mean, we didn't even have any argument that spawned this...
MrMayate: You don't want to accept it and I don't blame you. Nobody wants to accept it when something like this happens. Have you considered that maybe she was cheating on you? The person she is living with, is that a roommate or are they together now?
wombatfever: Maybe she was... It doesn't seem like her but it is possible. The person she is living with is just a coworker, but apparently, they have been seen "around" while I was gone.
MrMayate: She probably was. That is not what you want to hear but that is the best explanation. It is not your fault, man. Do not sit around sad and wait for her to come around, you will have to start thinking about moving on from this. It is not going to be easy but it is possible.
wombatfever: def not what i want to hear but i gotta take steps in the right direction i guess...
MrMayate: I'm sorry that it is not what you want to hear. You never wanted to have a conversation like this either but you found yourself needing to have it. The next thing you need to do is take those steps in the right direction and make it through what you are experiencing now.
| 12 | 1.666667 | |
1406786545 | 1406792159 | t3_2c7t5m | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by joining an AP class
It's summer and because I decided to join AP European History, I have to do a summer assignment. For my assignment, I have to read The Prince by Machiavelli and Utopia by Thomas More, answer questions about those books, read my textbook, and answer questions about what I read from there. School starts back up in 2 weeks and I've barely read any of these books or answered any questions... Oh and when I get back, we have to take a test on all of that.... I still have an AP Bio assignment which I have also done nothing with. Great. Today i was supposed to read The Prince but got distracted and thought browsing reddit on my phone would be a better idea. It wasn't. I no longer have a data plan for my phone and well, no phone for who knows how long, and bye bye laptop. Well I'm screwed and seriously freaked out about two weeks from now. This is gonna suck.
-BasedGod-: I just found out i'm signed up for ap us history and i have a bunch of work to do before school.
angry_sammich: Yeah but I've had all summer to start this...
dropyoursoap: lol who actually does summer reading for the entire summer?
you're not alone in procrastinating and a bunch of people aren't even gonna start at least three days before schools starts if they even start at all
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1406786327 | 1406809296 | t3_2c7sw6 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my friends that my crush was asexual
So this happened a few days ago, I had just finished school and was catching the bus home(I catch it every day). I took a seat next to my friend and sat quietly for a few minute when my friend asked if I was going to ask my crush on a date. I'd already done that a week before this incident and got declined and told that she was asexual, (No she does not reproduce with herself but rather experiences no attractions to others).
So when I knew my friend wasn't going to leave me alone without an answer I said, "no point she's asexual". When it came to my stop I got off and so did my crush as it was hers, the minute we got off she ran at me and started kicking the shit out of me(without a comment) and stormed of a minute later. A couple of hours later I got a message saying "stay away from me you shallow piece of shit". I didn't mean to upset her but I did and she's not answering my messages and apologies. What should I do.
SDGrave: You can always press charges for assault.
You did nothing wrong. She declined. Your friend asked you a simple question and you told him the truth.
x_56: I have no idea whether your kidding or actually serious, because you obviously have no idea about the context of who is actually part of what is happening.
SDGrave: From what I understand; she told she was asexual and not interested in a relationship.
You told your friend she's asexual, and then the girl hit you.
Did I get that wrong? (non-native English speaker)
x_56: No it's just we are not of the typical filing for assault age, and no, the hit has not occurred as of yet, but sometime in the possibly near future.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1406786223 | 1406820494 | t3_2c7srt | t5_2to41 | 4,748 | AreEyeGeeBeeWhy: TIFU by Eating Fun Dip
This happened over the weekend.
The wife and I got hitched about a month ago, but have been together for 6 years. We have been enjoying each other’s *ahem* company quite a bit since we got married. Something about saying ‘I Do’ really got the freak juices a flowing if you catch my drift.
So Aunt Flow was supposed to visit last week but never showed up. That’s cool, we just got married and then we immediately moved and didn't really get a chance for a honeymoon. Stress can delay mother nature for a few days. It has happened with her before… But then my wife got one morning and spewed all over the bathroom. As she kissed the porcelain god, a wave of panic encompassed my being.
I, a man child of 26 years, could possibly have spawned another human being... My entire adolescence flashed before my eyes. Visions of little league games, late nights playing Halo, Ninja Turtle themed birthday parties, and drunken college shenanigans danced around in my head. I then pictured myself sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by dirty diapers while doing taxes. *I have to be a grown up now… Fuck*.
So my wife is freaking out a bit, but being the amazing husband I am, I tell her to lie(lay?) down and I head up to the store and grab her a pregnancy test. I get to the local CVS and start making my way down the aisles trying to find a plastic stick for my wife to pee on. As I am looking, I pass through the toy aisle with all the goofy, crappy, cheap toys they sell at drug stores. You know, the cap guns, the bouncy balls that don’t bounce, the puzzles, that stuff. Looking over these toys I am crippled again with Nostalgasm from my youth. I remembered going up to Eckerd (before they became ‘Rite-Aid’; whatever I still call them Eckerd to this day) and begging my mom for an awesome Beast Wars Transformer to play with. I smiled as I looked at this generation’s Transformers that don’t turn into tigers and raptors, but are still pretty sweet in their own right. It was right there that I decided that I need to get in some last minute youth stuff in order to come to terms with my fate. But what on earth could make me feel like a kid again? Oh shit They have Candy.
Sweet, sweet Candy.
I merrily skipped to the Candy aisle and began perusing their selection. I was determined to buy it all. Butterfingers, Snickers, Mr. Goodbar, Goobers, Reese’s (pronounced Ree-sez, not Ree-Sees for those of you who are illiterate Dickspanks) were all cradled into my arms as I began to beam with joy. Candy fucking rocks and I’m going to eat it all and no one will tell me otherwise because I’m an adult (but I don’t want to be so I’m buying candy to feel young again). I was about to head to the checkout when I noticed a treat that I had not even thought of since I was a young lad: Fun Dip. For those who don’t know, [this is fun dip](http://imgur.com/gallery/e1kHr8L). I remember getting hopped up on that crap before my mother would dump me off at my Babysitter’s when she had to go out somewhere and couldn’t take me. Then I remembered the amazingly tasty dipping stick and how you use your own spit to scoop out the sugar from the separate pouch. I actually said “oh hell yes” out loud, grabbed 3 Fun Dip packs and made my way to the counter. After paying for the Candy and then remembering why I went there in the first place, I grabbed a pregnancy test and drove home.
My wife was in bed, looking sickly and pale and I rushed in with the test and showed her my grocery bag filled with delicious treats beaming with pride as if I were a child showing someone my candy haul from Halloween. She was not as amused as I was, but Doesn’t matter, have candy. I open up a Reese’s and dig in as my wife trudges to the toilet to pee. As I wait for her, I continue my newfound quest for diabeetus and stuff my face with sugary treats. I finish off my Reese’s and decide now is the time to Dip into some Fun. I grab a pack and begin to furiously suck off the candy stick in a manner that would make Jenna Haze jealous. When it is good and lubricated, I jam the stick it into the sugar to coat all the moist areas that it may come in contact with, Throw that bad boy back in my mouth and accept the sugary scratchy goodness on my tongue. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Wife comes out of the bathroom, goes towards the bed and rests the pregnancy test on her nightstand without the cap (gross woman, you just peed on that) and tells me it is time to wait. Me being the observant and attentive husband that I am, Notice something off about my wife. I ask her if everything is alright and she starts to cry. I walk over to her as she sits on our bed, put my Fun dip down, and give her a hug. She is scared. Of course she is, she’s about to grow a baby, carry it around for 9 months then force it out of her body as it splits her in half. I’d be scared too. We certainly haven’t planned for this, but we decide no matter what happens, we will keep the baby and move forward. I try to cheer her up and I offer her some Fun Dip, (because I’m an amazing and considerate husband) and we make out on the reg, so why wouldn’t she want some? She declines and sniffles, so I try and make her laugh by maintaining eye contact and reaching for the pack and saying “Are you suuuuuuuuuuure? It’s delicioussssssssss”. I then jam the stick into the sugar and plunge it into my mouth. This is where I fucked up.
Her eyes grow wide, and I immediately notice that this scoop of sugar tastes... off… and colder than it normally does...
I pull the stick out of my mouth, and to my horror, am looking at a pregnancy test covered in green sugar crystals. My mouth agape, I look at the nightstand, and see the fun dip stick, sitting by its lonesome, taunting me like the little bitch that it is, glistening from the slob job I had given it earlier. My bottom lip quivers, as a faint “no” escapes from my soul and out my mouth.
Cue Hysterical laughter from my wife as I scream like a 5 year old girl that just saw a spider and run to the bathroom to vomit all the sugar and chocolate that I had consumed not even 10 minutes earlier. She couldn’t stop laughing.
Test ended up being negative (she tried another one that wasn't "compromised"). She went to the urgent care down the road when she wouldn't stop throwing up and it turned out she had food poisoning. She got her period later that day.
TL:DR: Pregnancy scare leads to quarter-life crisis, that ends with me eating pee.
*Edited to fix the 'Cue' and to clear up the ending.
User [Cyae1](http://www.reddit.com/user/Cyae1) narrated [my fuck up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABexrE2zCDA&index=24&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6). I am incredibly grateful. Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement from everyone, you guys have really brightened my day
SilentScorpion: Damn, now I have to look up Jenna Haze.
_looks up name_
I'll be back in a few minutes...
Freddie_AppsHero: Ok, I'll be that guy, for the good of humanity.
Try to find the video where she's younger, wearing the red top and black skirt, and does only anal. She is so, so good looking in that vid.
baqarah: .
OopsMissedALetter: I see you're also saving your period for later today.
[deleted]: How does this work? Does someone have to comment on it?
[deleted]: People comment so they can find their comment later, and thereby find the comment they replied to.
Jayke1981: Now that is a tip I never knew! Yet weirdly people upvoted that 35 times (at time of post). That doesn't make sense to me!
english-23: Just use the save feature. I believe RES has it.
EDIT: It is standard on desktop. bacon reader and reddit is fun have it also
[deleted]: Not an option on mobile though.
LifeWulf: It is on every mobile app. Try one of those.
Edit: okay, every app I've ever used. I figured if four Android apps and two Windows Phone apps had the feature, most would. My mistake.
Quatzecoatl: No it's not, Alienblue hasn't added it yet.
LifeWulf: OK then, *every Android and Windows Phone reddit app*.
Quatzecoatl: I highly doubt that.
LifeWulf: ...Fine, I'll stop with the generalizations. At the very least, reddit is fun, reddit sync, and Baconreader on Android have a save feature, while Readit and one other app (forget the name) on Windows Phone 8 have it.
Edit: forgot Reddit Now on Android.
english-23: and apps upvote and karma for IOS.
LifeWulf: Good to know, thanks.
| 17 | 279.294118 | |
1406789623 | 1406790104 | t3_2c7wgw | t5_2to41 | 25 | beatingisbae: TIFU by falling asleep while masturbating
Had to make a throwaway for this.
Anyway, this happened about a year ago if not two. I used to be one of those male teenagers that just had to beat it every single day. Not necessarily meant I had a schedule or anything, but the need for doing it was instilled in my mind. Anyhow, this had been going on for a long time and I thought this day was like no other.
Oh boy, was I wrong.
So, quick background: I sleep in one of those bunk beds that aren't really bunk beds. You know how bunk beds have a bed at the top and one at the bottom? Mine only had the bed at the top and an empty area at the bottom where I would have my computer, printer, etc. Not sure if there's a name for them. This meant, however, that when in bed pretty much any type of movement (especially that which repeats) would make the bed creak since its legs weren't made out of concrete and therefore would wiggle.
This obviously ruled out the possibility of taking care of business in my own bed, so I had to get creative. It usually happened in the bathtub, since it was nice and warm with water and everything. Other times I did it in the living room sofa when there was nobody around. Both worked fine, and never gave me any trouble since I usually was pretty quick about getting stuff cleaned up and leaving no trace.
On this specific day, however, I was extremely tired. I had come back from school, had stuff to do, and I was a part of the marching band. At any rate, I was just about ready to hit the sack. But I just had to do it. My bottom half was calling for me. I had already showered, so I figured that the best place to get it done would be the sofa. My mom and sister weren't home, either, so things looked like they could turn out well. So I got to the sofa (I'm not a fan of lotion, I just kind of wing it), pulled my shorts down, and started getting down to business. Halfway through, it got kind of blurry for a bit, and next thing I knew I was asleep.
I woke up laying on my bed with my PJ's on. I started to wonder how I could have possibly ended up in my bed as I didn't remember ever getting there or changing my clothes. Then it dawned on me. My mother and sister came back home.
Never really talked about it or mentioned it yet. Not afraid of it being awkward, I just don't think there's anything to talk about it. As a human, I masturbate. As a human, I sleep. Sometimes they happen right after the other. Sue me. Besides, life has bigger problems anyway.
**TL;DR:** Masturbated on the sofa, fell asleep, mom and sister saw me, woke up in my bed with different clothes on
I_Will_Try_More: Just hold out hope that maybe you took your self to bed by sleep walking.
Lqnc: And changed his clothes.
I_Will_Try_More: I have put my self to bed when I am asleep before so it is possible that this guy did too.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1406789723 | 1406890408 | t3_2c7wk9 | t5_2to41 | 4 | x_56: TIFU by losing concentration
Like many of the stories on this thread, this did not in fact happen today, but on Tuesday. So I work at a checkout at Walmart, which is one of the worst jobs you could possibly have: mainly because you get all the angry customers who can't be bothered to go pay a little more and go to target. But anyway, here I am, about half an hours till I can go home and sleep, when I see two extremely contrasting figures in the line, right behind one another. One of them is possibly the fattest guy I've ever seen, we'll into his forties, the other is a young, pretty girl in her early twenties. I'm 22 by the way, and haven't had a girlfriend for about 3 years, so she really takes my attention. So while I'm thinking of what I'm going to say to her, the man comes down my checkout, he puts his shopping on my lane, and immediately I say to him, my self-written script comes out of my mouth: "Why, your a pretty young thing." Straight. To. The. Man, right inside the earshot of the girl. They both stare at me, mortified, as well as every other person in the line, and I stay silent, wondering what I had just done, and run his items through as quickly as I can, silently. And so now apparently I came out to a bunch of strangers, and ruined what was already a slim chance with a girl I just met.
Sorry if I did something wrong, my first post on reddit.
HopefulPanda03: Lol at 22 I would be going bewitched in that pussy and beatin it up like shrimp fried rice!! I'm 20 btw so I feel your struggle.
[deleted]: What the fuck dude
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406789001 | 1406876731 | t3_2c7vty | t5_2to41 | 2 | dayry52: TIFU by making my guardian mistake my glowstick for a loose tube.
Like a lot of TIFUs, this didn't happen today. It was back when I was in fourth grade and I was living with a guardian I just met a year ago. She wasn't like a mother to me but she wasn't a horrible lady either. She just minded her own business and I minded my own.
Anyways, back then I used to have an obsession with glowsticks. I loved it all from the sound that the glowstick made when you cracked it to the way that it can be made into a bracelet. And of course, wiggling it around in the dark trying to write letters in the air with it. As I was down to my last glowstick (my favorite blue), I remembered that a friend told me that if you stick the glowstick in the freezer it becomes new again. So I stuck mine in the freezer and went out to play with couple of my neighborhood friends. I completely forgot about the glowstick after.
Few days later, I came back to the house from school. As I walked in, I saw my guardian apologizing to a maintenance guy looking extremely embarassed. Me minding my own business, started going upstairs when she yelled at me to come down. Turns out she saw the glowstick in the freezer and thought that it was a loose tube. She called the maintenance guy and he came over to fix it. When she showed him the loose tube, to her horror, he pulled out my lovely glow stick. He thought that she was fooling around with him and lost it.
I got in a lot of trouble after this and never brought in another glow stick to the house again. I don't think she liked me too much after that incident. I still don't know if sticking the glowstick in the freezer makes it new because my guardian slam dunked that glowstick into the trashcan.
TL;DR: Glowsticks can ruin relationships.
tobobo36: Putting the glow stick in the freezer will make the glow stick glow longer but a little duller. Putting a no longer glowing glow stick in the freezer doesn't change anything because the chemicals have already reacted with each other.
dayry52: Thanks for the information! I wish I had known this before..
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406755096 | 1406817550 | t3_2c6fxn | t5_2to41 | 10 | booandmoothecats: TIFU by making my dad think I flash old random men on Omegle
Originally posted this on /r/omegle and it was suggested that /r/tifu would enjoy my pain, so here:
Today I was skyping with one of my friends and the subject came up of girls flashing random old men on omegle. We kept joking about it and to take it further I hung up and wrote on a napkin "HOT GIRL MOAN TO SEE TITS" and called him back holding that in front of the camera. We both died of laughter and I ripped up the napkin and set it next to my dad's computer.
My dad just came up to me and said "If you're going to write stuff on napkins please throw them away."
So now my dad thinks I like to show dirty strangers my goods.
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: Well, do ya, punk?
sinni800: Seconded
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1406793190 | 1406803818 | t3_2c802g | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By making out
TIFU, by making out with my friends sister(13). Keep in mind that I'm 14 so not that bad. Except I told her I will hang out with her whenever I'm over. So uh I know reddit wants details, so here they are. It started as a friendly conversation just asking questions, joking the usual. One thing led to another and we are on her bed feeling each other up making out. I am typing this literally 5 minutes after she went to bed(3:45 am). I'm freaking out here wondering wtf I'm going to do. Well reddit tifu, tifu big.
TL;DR Made out with my friends little sister
HeyCarolina: Let him break your crayons so you're even.
hamadingus: so much win
| 3 | 3 | |
1406798525 | 1406923806 | t3_2c84oo | t5_2to41 | 76 | georgep93: TIFU by pursuing a prank caller
So this happened a while ago but i've only just got round to posting it here. Normally I live alone whilst i'm at university, however this event occurred whilst i was back home for a week with my family. I woke up one morning and went downstairs to find my mum looking worried and tired and going on about a call she'd had on the home phone at 3am.
Now to be clear, the phone system in this house was ridiculous, the house was previously used as an old people's home so if the phone went off it was hooked up to ring throughout the entire house (naturally i have no trouble sleeping through it if it goes off at 3am). The phone call had woken up my 3 year old sister as well, but when my mom answered it was just a very quiet timid voice saying "I'm going to kill you".
Obviously this caller wasn't the smartest as he didn't block his number... which i now had. I then spent a good hour and a half repeatedly calling this number off 3 different phones. The first time he answered "Can you please stop calling me!" in the same timid quiet voice, i answered "No, im going to call you all f**ing day for prank calling us". After that he just kept putting the phone down, until a woman answered (at this point I thought it was his mum). I am just as uncivil with this woman, demanding to know who prank called my parents at 3am and scared them and woke up my sister.
The woman goes on to explain she's a tutor at my local college, weirdly enough, i had been taught by this woman in the past! She suggests that i come up to the college and meet the pupil in question and talk to him about why not to prank call, I immediately accept.
Now in the UK we have 2 types of college qualification, BTEC and A-level. Mass majority do an A-level and go on to university as it's considered a more academic qualification. Just about anyone can do a BTEC though as it covers a much wider range of subjects, such as bricklaying. So there I am, sitting in this teachers office, waiting for what I imagine to be some little s*** who I can rip into in front of his teachers and what walks in?
A 6'4" 23 year old man with downs syndrome.
I then had to sit there for half an hour telling this guy why he shouldn't prank call, as he just sat there staring at me, not listening to a thing I was saying.
TL;DR went after someone that prank called me thinking it was kid, found him and turned out be a 6'4" 23 year old man with downs syndrome.
VexingRaven: >if the phone went off it was hooked up to ring throughout the entire house
Um, yeah. That's usually how home phones work.
georgep93: Not sure if you mean the same thing as me! This had a separate speaker for the phone on each floor... Most phones i've seen just ring from their internal speaker.
VexingRaven: Oh, that is weird. Sounds like maybe it used to have an intercom and the guy who bought it first wired the intercom to the phone when they took out the actual phone controller.
| 4 | 19 | |
1406799029 | 1406886172 | t3_2c853w | t5_2to41 | 80 | ZoZferatu: TIFU by liking Assassins Creed too much
Black Flag to be exact. Still have to play Revelations and III.
Assassins Creed and pirates. Say what you want about it not fitting in the story or whatever, but it's great fun. Whale hunting, capturing ships, sieging forts (too goddamn hard), running with Blackbeard and killing templars.
And the sea shanties while you sail along! I even put them on my phone to listen to while driving. On to the story.
I'm in a boring board meeting and falling asleep because too much vidya last night. So, I stand up to get some coffee and put my phone in my pocket while getting up and make my way to...
> [WEIGH HEEY AND UP SHE RISES!](http://youtu.be/q-O-78QLLWg)
wut
> WEIGH HEEY AND UP SHE RISES!
Heads turn in my direction.
> WEIGH HEEY AND UP SHE RISES
Fuck fuck fuck pocket dial music player full blast
> EARLAY IN THE MORNING
Entire Board staring at me like I sprouted an extra head with dicks for ears.
> WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR
Fumbling with phone trying to shut the damn ap
> WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR
Minimizing didnt work, it just goes on and on and on fuck
> WHAT SHALL We do with the ^drunken ^^sailor
Turning down sound like a maniac works. Phew.
Damage report? Not looking good.
"Heh. Yeah, erm, new ringtone. Sorry."
Carry on like a trooper, getting that coffee. Be seen as unprofessional for not silencing phone / having a sea shanty as ringtone. Hah. Playing more vidya tonight to put it behind me.
Dbr0wn: *"So babe get this, today one of my coworkers was playing sailor porn on their phone in front of everyone"*
roytheshort: UP SHE RISES
Dbr0wn: EARLAY IN THE MORNING
| 4 | 20 | |
1406795049 | 1406822120 | t3_2c81pr | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking politics with my girlfriend's dad and ended up being featured in a national newspaper.
Hi all, this one is over 10 years old, but still haunts my dreams. I figured I'd share it on here for you all to enjoy.
I was 16 years old and I was set to meet my GF's family for the first time. One catch though, her dad is a well known conservative political pundit. He wrote for a national newspaper, authored a few books on controversial political figures, and was frequently on TV a guest commentator on almost every political TV show in the country.
I wanted to show how "mature for my age" I was, so of course I decided to talk politics with a 30 year veteran of the political news world. So in this man's kitchen, which is adorned with photos of himself on campaign buses with both Prime Ministers and Premiers -past and present - I decided to talk at length about my progressive viewpoints regarding just everything a teenager with an internet assembled philosophy would hold dear.
He managed to keep a mostly straight face, and politely listen to what must have seemed like absolute fucking tripe pouring out of my pie hole. I lacked the self awareness to realize I had just dug myself a hole which no amount of good will or sucking up would get me out of.
A week passes, I think it went somewhat well, until my GF tells me to grab a copy of today's paper and flip to her dad's column.
"*The Feds Can't Stop Slayter*" by **Girlfriend's Dad**.
He wrote up a whole article about the age of consent in Canada, how basically parents have no say after 14 in regards to who their kids can date (potentially have sex with) from a legal stand point, and how it should change. Apparently he didn't pick the title of the article, his editor did, but he definitely had a say in the content.
Years later, I still see him on TV from time to time, and go back to that first dinner we shared and shudder.
step_off_my_man: You would think a seasoned veteran like this wouldn't need to be such a passive aggressive little bitch.
slayter: Well I did say some really, really stupid shit to him.
[deleted]: Like what?
UTexasEdu: "Sooooo... maple syrup... am I right?... Well it's aboot time that I should be going!"
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: Sorry.
| 6 | 10 | |
1406801264 | 1406805412 | t3_2c86za | t5_2to41 | 20 | Sledge17: TIFU by Ridiculing a Nigerian Scammer
Several months ago I advertised my car for sale on an Aussie carsales site. I didnt have many enquiries until this guy emailed me asking if it was still for sale. I politely emailed him back that it was...
He then sent this response -
"Mate,thanks for the response,i would have loved to call but due to bad weather our SATphone is currently scrambled please can i know the full condition of the car as am buying it for my wife who just gave birth to a baby boy in my absentia she lives in Darwin presently,am a sailor and am currently onboard.i want to be sure if the car is still in good condition,preferably if i can get more close up picture (engine inclusive), i will not be able to come for inspection now all i really need from you is the exact details of the car.
Due to the nature of my work i am a very busy man working all day .i will pay with the fastest and safest online payment "PayPal" so i will need you to send me your paypal email address so i can effect the payment,as i have my ANZ bank a/c attached to my paypal account.However about the pick up i will be sending my shipping company to come and pick it up and make a personal delivery for my wife in NT after have sorted out with the payment.
PS: In case you don't have a PayPal account,Its reliable fast,secure and easy to use PayPal,all you need to do is to log on to visit
www.paypal.com and register with them. When you are done with the registration send me the email used for the registration with PayPal so i can make the payment.Please get back to me so that we can arrange for pick up as i will like the car to be picked by a pickup agent.Await your response.
Regards,
Matt"
My Spidey senses tingled. This guy had either stuck a crayon up his nose before writing me, or perhaps; nay was; trying to scam me?
And so, with Derring-do I attempted to scam my scammer...
"Hello Matthew and thank you for your response.
I hope the weather has eased a little for you as I know how
treacherous the seas can be.
When I was a little boy, my mother bought me a blow up six foot rubber dingy and I recall the day a rogue wave knocked me out of the boat and onto a shallow sand bar. Boy, did that hurt; and from that experience alone, I can sympathise with your current plight. (Of course, satellite phones weren't invented then but I'm sure it would have been very difficult to dial with the constant rocking)
Congratulations on becoming a father! As you didn't explain why your
wife couldn't call me directly (I've read documents pertaining to a
woman's IQ dropping several points upon child birth) I took it for
granted that she had forgotten how a telephone works.
Where are you currently located upon the seven seas? If you're
anywhere near Africa you may be able to do me a favour that will
greatly benefit both you and I.
Several days ago, I was contacted by a Nigerian Prince via email,
looking to escape his country. (Uncanny how his predicament was so
like the script from "The Man in the Iron Mask") He asked if I could
help by passing on my paypal details to him so he could forward $60
million US dollars. These funds were to be forwarded to him upon his
escape. Of course, I was to receive 10% of those funds as payment.
Matt, my thoughts are, if you could send me your paypal details, I'll
then on send them to Prince Faqwah to aid his escape. That way, you'll
receive $6 million (and split $3 million with me) Your wife and new
baby will be over the moon with your new found wealth, and I'll throw
in the car as a bonus for your help!
Or, if you could possibly get day leave, I could forward you the
Interior Ministers Address (who's in the know about his attempted
escape) and you and he could work out a way for him to escape on board
your vessel. Which ship are you on by the way?
In my youth, I remember working on board a sailing ship under the
direction of one Captain Barbosa. From memory, I think she was called
"The Black Pearl" and I was nothing but a wayward waif of a thing
batting eyes for a crewman named Will Turner. Unfortunately, I was
thrown overboard with another Captain in the Carribean and never saw
him again. I can't recall if that was really me or a movie I saw, but
perhaps you've heard of that boat?
Anyway, there's several ways to skin this cat and you seem like a
legitimate guy. I'd love to work with you on this one.
Let me know your thoughts,
Matt"
Of course, my new found friend did not reply. That said, if anyone else would like to help me rescue the Prince, feel free to send me your paypal details!
TL;DR - I lost the chance to sell my car to a Nigerian Scammer by being cute.
Dave-Gerard: I know how this scamming works, heard and read much about it. But isn't it like you have to do a "little" payment first, to give HIM the possibility to transfer you any money?
As for your post, he just wanted to have your details to transfer YOU something, didn't he?
It looks and smells ike a scam attempt, but can you help me to identify it, since I might be to dumb to see it here.
In a nutshell: why didn't you let him pay for that car since he didn't want anything else from you?
Regards
Sledge17: The scam is they trick you into believing theres money pending in your account. They then send a trucking company to pick your car up (which you pay for) and sign the rego over to them. The pending payment never existed and youve just signed your car away and paid to have it shipped to them!
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1406802867 | 1406803181 | t3_2c889n | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining someones nice jacket with a new coat of coffee.
Good lord im sweating bullets right now.
I put the coffee on top of a movable coat rack and I nudged the rack by accident when I was placing the coffee up there again (y'know, after a subsequent drink). Nice white denim jacket totally covered. Not like designer nice, but no holes/wrinkles, fresh looking.
Anyways, trying to finish up my shift at work (I had about 25 minutes left in my OT shift) I went back to my station, wrote a quick note apologizing and explaining the situation, and left $25 for my stupidity.
Here's why I'm nervous. I didn't leave any sort of personal info on the card or anything. The jacket _might_ be worth more, and I'm *terrified* that I'm going to walk in tomorrow to a furious supervisor or worker. The shitty part is that I recognize and am willing to pay more, but I kind of mind blanked while writing the note. It sounds shitty to write that (or have to say that tommorow) but the truth is that I was focused on getting back to work and finishing before my shift was over. The jacket was already ruined, I tried to show the right way with some money, I just did something really dumb which ,if it happened w a car, would be a serious crime. And THAT, is how I fucked up today, friends.
help me.
officialAZE: Just go back tommorow with your credit card, its all good
GenButtNekkid: Im guessing another 40 bucks at worse. had no other cash on me (getting paid tommorow morning actually :( )
I don't think it is the value that's going to be the problem. I think they'll construe it as some sort of honesty compromise.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406804795 | 1406813238 | t3_2c89wk | t5_2to41 | 38 | Zackismymonkey: TIFU by sharting myself while teaching a class
javaski: To be honest, they could just think you farted and it smelled really bad. Which, while not exactly reputation building, isn't the same as them knowing you shit your pants. I would just roll with it and pretend nothing happened. If you're a pretty cool teacher normally, one smelly "fart" shouldn't ruin your reputation.
Hurldog: No offense, but you are "wrong." This guy should find a new teaching job. Kids are like sharks with rabies. They smell blood...er..poop and they will be merciless...forever.
javaski: I feel like this is one of those situations where if the teacher is a "cool" teacher, they will get some harassment for a bit, but it will eventually not really matter. If they are not really that "cool", they could be in for a long year.
le_xanax: No, he really needs to find a new job. Pooping and farting fuels middle school kids' annoying behaviors, regardless of whether or not the teacher is "cool". I've seen kids poop on school floors in my hayday (it was awesome)
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1406803630 | 1407179447 | t3_2c88wj | t5_2to41 | 314 | KFGer: TIFU by trimming my pubic hair
Having the habit of shortening my ballsack hair at least once a month, I brought my electric shaver with me on my camping trip to France. If you have been to camping sites in Europe, you know the only place you can expect some privacy is the shower house. So here I was, standing in this tiny shower cell, shaving off my pubes before taking my shower in the morning. My hair kind of started to clog up the drain, but it wasn't dramatic and I planned on picking them up and throwing them in the trash before leaving the shower. This particular shower house used those barriers that didn't connect to the ground, just like they always do on cheap camping sites. Next to my cell there was a French guy singing under the shower. Just before I was finished with taking my shower, the French guy drops his soap box and it slips through to my cell, right in the drain. Oblivious to what that meant, I immediately shoved it backto his side. Just before he picked it up I realized in horror that his whole soap was covered with my pubes. He didn't though. He must have found out by rubbing my pubes over his body and/or face. At least that's what it sounded like when he started swearing in French. I panicked and fled the shower house...
[deleted]: "TIFU by dropping the soap in the shower"
Compendyum: We all know he threw the soap there on propose.
Dittorita: In America we propose with diamond rings. Not sure how they do it in France.
Compendyum: I am sure it involves, champagne, hairy girls and annoying accents.
Dittorita: Don't forget surrenders.
| 6 | 52.333333 | |
1406800410 | 1406897689 | t3_2c869j | t5_2to41 | 22 | Azlas: TIFU peeing after a sweaty drunk dance in Chtulhu throat
I fucked up 2 years ago while I was with my friends at an important music festival in my town.
So, I wasn't that drunk, just a few beers. I was jumping and dancing and in the middle of the crowd I felt the urge to pee.
It was a mad rush to find the nearest bathroom, when I see THEM.
An army of chemical toilets. The blue cabinet of perdition. Not bad, considering that there is not too much people waiting.
However, at that time, since I had just finished hopping, I was sweating more than usual, and as I'm bald my head was completely wet.
I started to pee, relaxing, looking curiously at the construction of the cabinet.
Had the classical form of the toilet, but instead of the classic hole had a steel plate, which after
accumulated a certain weight of substances, he slid down.
Charming.
Now, I must say that I have a very oily and slippery skin, and often my glasses, a bit 'old and untight pair, slid to the tip of the nose, giving me that ridiculous granny-look.
Less fascinating was what happened next. Having bowed my head to observe the wonders of poop engineering,
my glasses kindly flown on the landing platform of the cabinet, remaining for a second
or two on the plate.
I couldn't believe how lucky I was. They are still there in a perfect balance!
But I had not yet finished peeing, so the last uncontrollable yellow shoot fell right on my glasses, dropping everything into the unknown.
I was in total panic for a minute, thinking about how much those glasses costs, hoping that everything was
a nightmare, or that maybe I could call a clean attendant the next day to recover. But what a shame
would it be? Better not.
I'll let my glasses in there and tell my parents I have accidentally lost them in the crowd?
I put my hand on the door knob to leave, when my mind goes into super-drunk mode.
I think that maybe using many paper towels as a glove, I could *explore the greedy blue monster's stomach*.
Come on, let's do it! I walk over to the hole and I feel that nearby the toilet seat, chemicals are no longer able to
disguise that smell. I'm going to touch new species of life, unknown to mankind. *Let's do it for science!*
I put my hand into the hole and a few inches down, the ocean is beneath me.
I'm not sure you want to know what I felt in those moments. I do not have vomiting easy, but I went really close.
I touched the big solid fish such as a carp, jelly fish made of variable consistency and most of all, a muddy and dense ocean.
After about 30 seconds my submarine had lost almost all protection tissues when I hear something that resembles
to my beloved glasses.
I try to pick them up, but there's something between us. After a few attempts the monster of the seas, perhaps frightened by my rickety submarine, goes away and I can bring out the glasses from *the blue monster throat*.
I'm an atheist, but I think it has to be God to make my glasses out of there with nothing brown on the lenses.
Soon after, I ran away from the festival to look for a nearby fountain to clean the ancient artefact, from the deep stomach of Cthulhu.
My friends on my return asked if I felt bad.
Time of pee: 45 minutes.
I never said anything, I will wear this secret on my face everyday.
^Proudly.
ShadowOpNinja: Well written! And very entertaining! You manned the fuck up and found your glasses, I would have left them in the depths of Cthulhu to rot and decay!
Azlas: I was lucky to have my veins filled with liquid courage!
ShadowOpNinja: Still a braver man than I to face the monster alone!
MashRoomBog: Yeah even if i was poisoned and the antidote would fall into one of those "blue cabinet of perdition" I would just accept that its my time.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1406804185 | 1406912893 | t3_2c89cy | t5_2to41 | 4 | hiwatisurname: TIFU by not talking to her
My friends know this girl, i've met her like twice and barely talked to her. My friends know i like her so whenever we hang out they ask her to come but she never does. Last night her girl friend invited her over and mentioned that I wanted to see her again, and she magically accepts the offer to come. She then comes and i barely talked to her, was too chicken to ask for her number, and she didn't really say bye to me. Now i feel like she hates me/ not interested anymore. ;(
regag2011: Nah nah, don't give in to thinking the worst. Not sure how old you are but as you get older you learn to take more shots. What's the worse that can happen. Just ask for her number and call her up.
hiwatisurname: Thanks for the reply man! I've been feeling so down today, I added her on facebook and I'm gonna ask for her number.
Shadowrain: It's hard, but try to talk more in person than you do on facebook. I've been there before. Facebook is good for organizing things, but don't let it replace 1-on-1 conversation. That isn't a fun road, in hindsight.
| 4 | 1 | |
1406806556 | 1406812015 | t3_2c8bic | t5_2to41 | 2 | tooposhtofunction: TIFU by taking a shit at a pub
Ragnar_OK: Hi, thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, it's been removed due to breaking **Rule #10: All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless its saturday.**
Please resubmit your post this coming Saturday.
tooposhtofunction: Oh sorry will do.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406803913 | 1406811545 | t3_2c894n | t5_2to41 | 10 | pr3dato8: TIFU by disliking Chlamydia
For the sake of anonymity I will say that my gf's name is Chloris (it's not actually, but works in this just as her name would).
So my girlfriend and me went out with our friends for a meal and drinks. We are all still in university so the maturity level of our evening discussions has never been that high, like deciding whether we'd pick necrophilia over bestiality, or whether travelling back in time to suck yourself off would classify as being gay or simply masturbation.
So as the night progressed one thing led to another and we started talking about sex diseases that we did't like. I decided to chip in and said that "I particularly don't like the word Chlamydia, it has that annoying Chl sound at the start". To which my girlfriend, sitting next to me, says "Oh so Chl like in Chloris?"
I stood up without a word and left the bar for a solid minute.
Voyager5555: "deceases"
I don't think that word means what you think it does.
pr3dato8: Chlamydia is an STD isn't?
MssDare: You meant disease.
pr3dato8: ...I need to polish my English, thanks
| 5 | 2 | |
1406759889 | 1406834050 | t3_2c6orl | t5_2to41 | 4 | PM_ur_Rump: TIFU by eating pretzels.
15 years ago, blah blah, high school me had a huge crush on the cutest/coolest girl in my class, at least according to me. Think the "Girl At The Rock Show."
We were friends, thought I was in the dreaded FZ. Once, I was at her house, with an acquaintance that was the usual "douche". She was being unusually flirty towards both of us. I was enjoying this and happily munching on a bag of Rold-Gold. Out of nowhere, she decided it's her time to prove my suspicions about our relationship wrong. She pulled me in for a kiss to the backdrop of Deftones or Silverchair or whatever crap we listened to back then. Not wanting to slip her a mouthful of half-chewed Rold-Gloop, I instinctively gave an awkward peck and pulled away. She took this to mean it "wasn't like that," and proceeded to hook up with said douche. I still love me some Rold-Golds and cheap beer, but I do kinda give those bags a dirty look as I devour the knotty, salty goodness inside.
In related news, another time, she was on "hiatus" with said douche, and climbed on my pelvis as I lay on her bed, straight up grabbing my hand and placing it on her left boobage. In doing so, she shifted her weight onto the skateboard-cracked side of my pelvis, which triggered an involuntary throwing of said girl. Then said douche walked in to tell her how he had fucked up, blah blah blah...
And another time, I invited her to her first rave, and she warned me that she might take advantage of me if I took any drugs. Day came for the rave, and I ended up taking her home to puke out both ends hours before it started, due to giardia contracted on a backpacking trip a couple days prior.
TL;DR
I was a very dense teen, who couldn't take a hint if it grabbed my hand and placed it on a titty. The world thought it was in my best interest anyway.
smokinporch: Haha I feel your pain man. xD
PM_ur_Rump: At least someone does... :P
She was probably gonna murder me in my sleep or something anyway, and me, being the most important human that has ever lived, destined to save the universe from some evil, evil, um, evilness, some greater force intervened.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406787865 | 1406845284 | t3_2c7ums | t5_2to41 | 11 | KangaLilz: TIFU by rubbing urine on my face
As usually, walking in the door from work, I'm greeted by the fan club; Lily, my old farty puppy dog, and Cheeto, the little orange kitten my boyfriend found in his work parking lot and brought home last month.
Anywho, we start with the usual excited squeals and chants of "my babies my babies!". Of course, I have to pick up the Lilz and cradle her like a baby while blowing raspberries on her tummy; our standard greeting. Cheeto, being a cat, is much less excitable and just likes to be slung over my shoulder and have his little butt patted. Lately, he's become more affectionate and will nudge his head against my cheek. Today I got an exceptionally enthusiastic greeting from him; he snuggled under my chin and and popped up to rub his temples on my face. I returned his greeting by rubbing my nose and cheeks under his chin and neck and kissing his forehead.
After our greeting, I run to the commode for the after work tinkle, the fans follow, Lilz with her paws on my knee and Cheeto, who has a strange fascination with the toilet, pacing on the back part of the seat I'm not sitting on. As I get down to business, I noticed it was all wet on the floor around the pot, and it smelt like straight piss. That is when I realized the error of my ways.
Earlier that day, I called my boyfriend on my break at work, and our conversation went as such:
Me: hey sweetheart, you rolling into work?
BF: yep!
Me: you take Lilz out for potties?
BF: yeah, she did her peeps and poops
Me: hows the kitty cat?
BF: .........
Me: sweetheart?
BF: huh, what?
Me: the kitty, did you take care of him too?
BF: .....I uh..........IIIII peed on the cat
Me: you.........you peed on the cat?
BF: ............
Me: baby! Hello?! You peed on that cat???
BF: well, I mean, I didn't mean to! Just on his head really....and body....
Me: ????????
BF: well, you know how the cat always posts up on the toilet seat when I pee?
Me: umm, yeah but were you aiming at him or something???
BF: noooooo, no! He was propped up on the seat and he was watching my pee stream per the usual, when all of the sudden, he hops on top of the seat, loses his balance, and falls into the toilet bowl....and I couldn't just stop peeing mid piss!!
Me: ....so.....hold on.....so you just kept peeing in him?
BF: I couldn't help it! I tried to reach for him but then I would've started peeing everywhere!
Me: I....I can't believe this conversation is real right now. Did you at least rinse him off? Is he okay? Did you scar him for life?
BF: he's fine!
Me: okay, but did you rinse him?
BF: I didn't scar him for life, he won't even remember!
Me: dear, did you rinse him off?
BF: and I gave him a treat to make him feel better
Me: DID YOU RINSE THE PISS OFF HIM??
BF: ....I....I sorta did! But I was running really late! I just kind of dried him off with that pink towel....
Me: so....so you rubbed pee into the kitten's fur with my face towel and then left? Did I get that right?
BF: don't be mad!
This conversation was 6 hours before I got home. As I sat on the toilet, looking at my pink face towel, shriveled into ball, I noticed the multiple yellow specks on the floor....my eyes take me to another larger yellow pool where it look as though a kitten sat and groomed for a while. Suddenly, I feel slight pressure on my thighs and realize the cat has made it to my lap, running the tip of his urine covered tail across my cheek and under my nose....
NiallxD: Is [pissing on the cat](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2blkdk/tifu_by_going_to_the_bathroom/) a regular thing? Am I missing something?
KangaLilz: It must be a cat thing, maybe they have a pee fetish?
NiallxD: Possibly. Into the golden showers n'all that?
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406809549 | 1406819261 | t3_2c8eq2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | TiFuThrowaway12344: TIFU By going on a date.......
Okay, SO this happened last night. I was feeling kinda down in the dumps about not having a girlfriend and the woman i have a crush on doesn't seem to be answering my texts. I only sent two, but still, after the great date we had the other night, i don't get why she doesn't want to talk. Yesterday afternoon i was feeling particularly down and in the mood at the same time. I remembered about a woman who lives in the same apartment building as me and how interested in me she was when we met. So i texted her, asking if she wanted to hangout and relax. She says she wants to take me out to dinner. I, against my better judgement because this woman is not at all my type, say yes and we go out. the date was about a 5 out of ten. not because of where we went or what we ate/drank but because of her. she was snobby and rude to the wait staff. very little manners. flash forward to the drive home. She gets out and wants me to come watch a show with her at her place and drink some more. I do. and then the opportunity presents itself for me to leave. it's late. I have work in the morning. My brain screams, "GET OUT NOW!". I don't. we fuck. and i think she wants to go out again.........
tl;DR went on a date with a woman who is not my type, fucked her, she lives in my apartment building, she wants more and I don't. I am le-stupid
datraceman: Doesn't matter...had sex.
cjaiA: Every damn time.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406812270 | 1406911284 | t3_2c8i4a | t5_2to41 | 18 | stupidBMWowner: Tifu by showing off my car
I'm young and decided its time to buy a new car. I'm a dude and of course I want something sporty. I decide I want luxury too so why not get both. That leaves German cars and Japanese luxury cars. The japanese cars are not my thing so German it is. My dad has had bad experiences with Mercedes so I decide on BMW (why not I have the money right?). So I buy a BMW with a big motor and decide to call it done.
Nope.
When I got home my brother comes out and sits in the car I had just bought. I start to rev the big v8 under the hood and alls good......then its not.
Why during my hooliganess(real word?) I managed to break my radiator hose off the radiator from just the torque of the motor while in neutral. Deep moment of the day.
I turn it off and then hit the hood release and close the door. I start to look into the damages and see how much its gunna cost. My phone tells me its not that bad and ill just have to wait for the new hose to come to my door.
Well time to call it a day right? Let me grab the keys from the car and ill pack it up. Simple. Open the door and and be about my way. Deep moment 2 of the day. The cars locked.
So now I have a broken car with the keys locked inside of it.....way to go me.
AlbinoStepchild: E39 M5?
stupidBMWowner: As I said I'm young and when your young there is things you want...but can't afford.....the e39 m5 is one.
I have a e39 540i. Its everything like the m5 but less.
HankMardewkus: A lot less
stupidBMWowner: Try not to rub it in to much will ya
HankMardewkus: Isn't that what fellow petrol-heads are for?
stupidBMWowner: Unfortunately yes
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1406812913 | 1406907930 | t3_2c8j0p | t5_2to41 | 92 | folxify: TIFU by flicking my cigarette.
Actually not today but a couple of weeks ago. It just almost happened again so it feels I should tell the world.
I work in graphic design, and meeting deadlines can be somewhat stressful at times. I always light up some nicotine-y goodness as soon as my foot hits the parking lot. Well, this day was no different. As I approached my car, and the end of the cigarette, I decided that instead of the casual toss of the butt into the parking lot, today would be a good day for a super-flick of the cig into the air to see what kind of range I could get. It sailed through the air, GPS evidently set on the most flammable grass possible. It continued to soar directly over the chain-link fence surrounding the business parking lot, and landed in a little wooded area that was mostly consisted of dry, campfire-ready timber and grass.
Well shit.
I watched it for a few seconds. Smoke started slowly billowing out of the grass directly underneath it. I panicked, because I really didn't have a way to get to the other side of the fence without cutting though other people's property. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. It was smoking more. I gazed around, and then I saw an entrance to the fenced-in area, giving me direct access to the smoldering grass. I ran over and entered the somewhat-thick wooded area, branches slapping me in the face and groping me in every way possible. When I arrived at the scene, the grass was still smoking. No fire yet, thankfully. Up until that point, I really, really had to piss, so I figured...why not kill two birds with one stone? I mean I am in a fairly wooded area with my back to the road. I whip the ol' peter out and began to play firefighter. After standing there for what only seemed like 30 seconds, I felt a pain on my calf. I immediately looked down just in time to see about a hundred fire ants on my fucking leg. Keep in mind, I'm still mid-stream here.
Fucking shit.
All in the span of a half a second, I had turned around, and took off running in the direction of the road. My junk was madly flopping with each step, piss ribboning through the air finding a new home on everything I was wearing. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...it happened. My right foot decided it was going to be lazy in my moment of shame. BOOM. I smacked the ground, and then rolled over just in time to see a curious little old lady driving by as slow as possible. Manhood still out, ants still pissed, shorts still wet. I gathered myself and began to commence in the genocide of the black devils on my leg and foot. Then, I initiated the walk of shame back to my car, one shoe on, one shoe off. I hate ants.
TheWhite2086: And this is how fucking bush fires start that cause millions of dollars of damage, ruin people's lives and kill people. From the point of view of an Aussie where this shit happens every god damn year. PUT YOUR FUCKING CIGARETTE OUT PROPERLY! I usually have some sort of sympathy for TIFU posts but in this case you deserved everything you got
teddylovesmila: As someone who plans on moving to Australia soon, can you elaborate? What do fire ants have to do with lit cigarettes?
TheWhite2086: Fire ants. Nothing. Flicking still lit cigarettes, quite a lot. What I meant is that, IMO, OP deserves all kinds of pain and misery because of his actions with the cigarette
Unicornpants: See, I live in England. There is 0 possibility of things catching fire even on the sunniest of days. When I go to Australia I'm going to have to remember that.
-Didn't make myself clear there. I meant 0 possibility of things catching fire from throwing your fag ends anywhere.
TheWhite2086: Fair enough. Bushfires are a REALLY big deal over here in summer and quite a lot of them are accidentally set by things like cigarette butts (also, lightning strikes and smoldering camp fires and the occasional scum of the Earth cunt who sets them deliberately because they think it's funny) so if you do end up over here, please, take a bit of care with anything that involves fire.
Unicornpants: Plan to stay for a year after I've finished my apprenticeship. So yeah, I'll make sure. :)
TheWhite2086: Cool, there are very few things you can do that will legitimately piss off most Aussies, we're pretty laid back normally but that is one to watch out for. Hope you enjoy your stay when you get here
Unicornpants: Then you're quite like Britain in that aspect. We're just mildly grumpy because of the weather all the time. Been lovely weather lately but the moment a festival is on it's pissing it down. Not gonna be a dry night tonight, mate.
Thanks, I reckon it'll be a great experience. Might bump into eachother haha!
TheWhite2086: I feel you pain with the weather right now, winter is being a bitch to me right now, been blowing a gale all day and pretty damn cold.
It would be a pretty big coincidence if we ran into each other. I don't live in a particularly big city and it isn't known for its tourism but hey, you never know, it would be interesting if it happened :)
| 10 | 9.2 | |
1406771985 | 1407027141 | t3_2c78ro | t5_2to41 | 1 | Bl4zeTMG: TIFU by ruining the screen on my phone by smashing it.
This happened around 2 years ago, and I heard that my phone at the time had Gorilla Glass, so what I decided to do was that I would take my phone and hit the screen through the edge of my bed and what ended up happening was the screen was kind of green (kind of like a dim green) and a few scan lines at the top. (I'm not too sure as I vaguely remember what the screen looked like.) 12 year old me was stupid.
CoopTroop1: This is what's wrong with society. 12 year olds have phones....
Bl4zeTMG: Yes, I did have a phone when I was 12.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1406810718 | 1406836076 | t3_2c8g4v | t5_2to41 | 63 | crujones43: Tifu by bringing a bag of smart food on a plane
Obligatory didn't happen today but I have not been on this sub that long.
I was on a flight across Canada (Calgary to Toronto, close enough) and while I waited to board I bought some snacks. A bottle of pop, some nibs and pretty big bag of smart food popcorn. An hour later during the flight I get out of my window seat to go to the bathroom. As I come back I remember the bag of smart food in my carryon in the overhead compartment. I grab it and notice that it feels like a balloon now because of the pressure difference in the cabin at altitude. No biggie, I'll just slide back into my seat. Unfortunately the lady in the aisle is really not interested in helping me get by her in any way and makes no movement other than her annoyed eyebrows. As I am trying to squeeze by her a little bit of turbulence hits. It is the tiniest bump but since I am pretty much walking on my toes like a ballerina to get by annoyed aisle lady it was enough to throw me off balance. I am starting to fall towards annoyed aisle lady and over compensate figuring if I bump the seat in front of her, that is better than landing on her lap. As my hip is heading towards the seat in front I feel something weird. My hip squeezed the pressurized bag of smart food into the head rest of the seat and POP! 1/3 of my bag of popcorn dumps all over the guy in front of me. As much as I want to point at annoyed aisle lady and blame her for not getting out of the way, I am clearly the one holding the bag. Luckily the guy was small and I am big so I never worried about getting my ass kicked but I felt really bad even offering the poor guy a beer. He was so pissed off that he didn't want it.
Tl;Dr next time I'm going to swan dive into the ladies lap.
Hi Dan.
AnnaBalena: Who gets pissed off at that? Its easy to clean up. He's looking at it all wrong, the man just got showered with delicious cheddar popcorn. I would have cleaned up the mess by eating it, and then washed it down with that beer you offered.
That guy fails at life.
crujones43: Think about all the little bits in his hair and down the back of his neck. I would have been pissed.
AnnaBalena: I mean, yes it would have gotten everywhere, but its not like it was liquid or anything sticky. You just brush it off, in to your hand.... and eat it.
I'm still not mad.
Skitzic: I'm with you. I'd count that as a win. Free popcorn and beer! Woo!!
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1406814850 | 1406829757 | t3_2c8lv2 | t5_2to41 | 58 | Random_Expletive: TIFU By using my vagina.
So I'm the kinds girl who has no problem having a tumble in the sheets with a willing fella with a good attitude, and because of this I tend to have a lot of sex. But my promiscuity is a cheeky little bastard and now I've gotten myself into a situation where me and my flailing vagina have royally fucked up.
INFO: it's important to understand I'm a bit of a commitment phobe, so having feelings for a guy and actively seeking a relationship is a big thing for me.
ANYWAY: I like this guy. I don't particularly know why, but I've recently found my stone heart being invaded by feelings for this man. Me being me, acknowledged this feeling and continued to bang a healthy roster of willing gentlemen.
Then last Saturday at a party, I was presented with an opportunity to have a threesome with a lovely lady and one of the men from my roster... We got hot and heavy, clothes came off and then I bailed, because I really didn't feel like spoiling the party hosts nice bed, and I was just a little bit too sober to be able to fully relax. Anyway. The object of my affection finds out I nearly made the sex at this party and goes oddly quiet towards me.
TODAY: I finally decided to bite the bullet and tell him how I feel. He replied with a string of deflections and reasons why it wouldn't work. Main reason: I continued to bang other people (in his presence) despite claiming affection for him. I have to agree it's kind of a dog move to flaunt my sexuality in his face.
Anyway I feel awful. I have ruined an opportunity to be with someone I genuinely care about. My vagina is a malicious creature
TL;DR- got laid, fucked up possible relationship.
EDIT: guys really? I'm admitting promiscuity got me into a bad situation, I do not need you all calling me a slut. Ta.
AnnaBalena: I just feel like, is it really wrong to have sex with other people when there is no real monogamous situation going on?
I kind of feel like if he didn't want you sleeping with other people, then he should have locked it down, or at least said something about it.
It's all about managing your expectations. If he expected something of you and never told you, that's his fuck up, not yours.
The situation still sucks, but try not to beat yourself up too much about it.
newaccount1619: It's not wrong per se, but if you think you can do that and expect the object of your affections to be okay with that sort of thing you're out of touch with reality.
He's supposed to "lock it down?" You mean the onus is on him to commit and not her for some reason despite the fact that she acknowledges she has feelings for him? How about if she has feelings and wants something exclusive with him she should "lock it down" and not fuck everything with a cock and a pulse? Her behavior shows very little interest in being exclusive with him, so why should he take the leap and try to make things exclusive with her?
AnnaBalena: What they both needed to do was have a conversation. If he was uncomfortable with her sleeping with other people, he should have said something. If she was getting feelings for him, she should have said something. "Locked down" how they felt.
If he wasn't showing her that he wanted to be exclusive, and she wasn't either, then a conversation would have helped. Because why should she have stopped sleeping with other people if she didn't think he wanted to be exclusive?
He wasn't showing any signs of wanting to be exclusive either. For all we know, he was also sleeping with other people, fucking anything with a pussy and a pulse.
The onus was on both of them. Neither of them stepped up, and things got fucked.
Rahabic: More than likely, you're 100% wrong, and making a whole host of assumptions slanted against the guy.
He didn't know she was interested, and they weren't dating, so it makes no sense to have the exclusivity talk.
It also makes no sense (though it happens) that he would object to her promiscuity if he was doing the same thing. If he was doing it in front of her, OP probably would've mentioned it.
What normal people do if they seriously want to (monogamously) date someone is stop banging other people and pursue them.
AnnaBalena: I def thought she had already slept with this guy. I had to go back and re-read it.
I would have thought differently had I realized that they weren't even sleeping together. I thought he was being a bit of a hypocrite.
Thanks for pointing it out.
Rahabic: It happens, so no worries!
Mostly I feel bad for both of them. The guy must be pretty broken up about it, and OP's combination of aggressive promiscuity, fear of commitment, self-described "stone heart", and a comment she made in an earlier thread about being a "gross fat girl" and a hookup going soft mid-sex once her shirt came off. Oh, and being "too sober" to enjoy a threesome.
Combined, it all suggests the stereotype of "low self esteem, replaces meaningful relationships with meaningless sex."
AnnaBalena: I can't tell you how glad I am that you didn't turn around and call me an idiot for posting when I didn't read the post carefully enough. Reddit can be a cruel place for those who admit their mistakes.
Rahabic: I just wish people didn't downvote you as a result.
AnnaBalena: A sad side effect, I'm afraid.
| 10 | 5.8 | |
1406816116 | 1406817789 | t3_2c8nyh | t5_2to41 | 9 | T-rexwithlongarms: TIFU by accidentally searching gay porn on company laptop on my first day
I recently got hired at a financial institution in Asia and today is my first day. I was given the task to research information on venture capital firms active in the tech industry, so I made a list of about 15 I could think of off the top of my head, including Google Ventures (GV).
My supervisor came by my desk to see how I was doing just as I was about to google GV. Google.hk seems to think GV stands for gay porn, and well, I really wish my laptop exploded right that moment.
Supervisor is not impressed.
TL;DR, I googled gay porn on my company laptop right in front of my supervisor on my first day of work.
Here is a screenshot: http://imgur.com/a65ZaUW
mr_mcsonsteinwitz: I frequently use the county assessor's office's website at work. Easiest way to get to their page is to open a new tab, and start typing "ass" into the address bar. Bam! The link for their site comes up. I hit the down arrow, highlight the link, then click enter.
One time, the boss was hovering behind me--asked me to look up some information on a property. I did what I normally do: new tab, a-s-s... I didn't hit down--just enter.
I Googled "ass". Thankfully, Google throws up stuff about donkeys and some SWF stuff. It's not nearly as traumatic as what you just did, but... eh. There you go.
T-rexwithlongarms: Why do they have to hover &#3232;_&#3232;
mr_mcsonsteinwitz: How else will they make sure we're not browsing Reddit on their dime?
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406816188 | 1406906075 | t3_2c8o2n | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing in the shower
Oh boy, what a morning I had..
So a little backstory for my story is as follows. I (25 m) travel a lot for work and am constantly in hotel rooms and hotel bars and usually I am alone. This week I was lucky in the fact that I had a young female co-worker from a different country come work on a project we had. So as you can imagine, we were 2 young people drinking in a hotel thousands of miles from home and one thing led to another and we started to hook up. It was fun and awesome and before we knew it we were sleeping in the same bed every night. One day (this morning) we had sex and I went to go take a shower before we headed in to the office. This is where things headed south.
I went ahead and closed the door (I didn't lock it.. who would?) and ran the shower. Hopped into the shower and really needed to have my post-sex pee session so I said 'Fuck it' and started to unleash this massive stream of the yellowest most powerful piss I had ever had in my life. What happened next you ask?
SHE RAN IN TO THE SHOWER TO JOIN ME. She jumped into the shower and hugged me while I continued to piss. She stood in my puddle of the darkest most potent piss I think I had ever taken. She got a little on her legs because I couldn't stop myself fast enough.
ONCE SHE REALIZED WHAT HAPPENED it was over. She started to freak out, she called me nasty, disgusting, saying "what is wrong with you???!!!" , the works and ran out of the bathroom.
So I finished my shower, got dressed, and now i'm sitting here at the office just waiting for her to walk in and give me the most disgusted look of "I stepped in your piss and got some on my leg and now we have to work together".
Thankfully I fly back home to NY today and hopefully won't have to work with her for quite some time (or ever again.)
TL;DR
Sex with co-worker, went to shower, didn't lock door, started to pee in shower, co-worker joined me by surprise, peed on her leg.
refuse_to_sink: Sounds like she over reacted a bit there. I'm not into the whole golden shower thing but at least pee is sterile. She should have knocked...
2mangos: Actually, pee isn't sterile. It isn't the dirtiest thing ever but urine does have bacteria in it.
refuse_to_sink: Unless you have a urinary tract infection there should be just minimal bacteria in your pee from the skin of your urethra as it exits your body. So no not completely, but it is sterile as it leaves the kidneys. But its not the dirtiest thing ever by any means.
2mangos: Yeah exactly. Still not a good idea to go around peeing on people. You do read horror stories, whether fact or fiction, regarding pee. One that sticks out is a fellow who cut his finger, had no disinfectants around, so peed on it as he thought it was sterile and would clean the wound.
He may have been the one in a million and who knows what was in his pee but they ended up having to lop it off. I do know sports athletes Hello Moises Alou pee on their hands sometimes too. It's a weird thing.
Definitely not that bad but still like... don't pee on yourself or ppl :p
| 5 | 13 | |
1406813396 | 1406845113 | t3_2c8jpd | t5_2to41 | 49 | sunsetparkslope: TIFU by having a nocturnal erection while having a stent up my penis
I just had kidney stone surgery. They left a stent in me to widen the urethra and allow any other stones to be passed out. There is a thread attached to the stent which leads out of my penis. The thread was taped tightly around my penis while it was flaccid with absolutely no slack. I do not think the surgeon considered the possibility of an erection and the ensuing torture, or maybe he did. Last night I dreamt that I was with two beautiful horny women, one of those rare dreams I pray for. Things were getting hot and heavy and suddenly they wanted my manhood thrust deep inside them. I instantly dropped my trousers and started pulling down my boxers when an excruciating pain shot through the length of my obliging manhood. I opened my eyes to find myself alone, laying on the floor where I feel asleep watching television, with an erect penis and that thread almost cutting my penis head in half.
Shit!
MalevolentFerret: I've never crossed my legs harder than I just did.
roytheshort: I've discovered legs I didn't know I had because of this.
8BitPoro: [my current feeling](http://www.distractify.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads//2014/01//c9d46c021e1e29fa3bf3ca96b1cdf0d0.jpg)
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1406821482 | 1406945456 | t3_2c8wz2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | throwaay1992: TIFU by making a girl take abortion pills and she disappaered before knowing if they worked
One night stand nightmare, basically condom broke and some weeks later she starts having symptoms, one pregnancy test later and surprise, positive. she didn't want to abort it and after convincing her to do so she disappeared
Xaxxus: why the hell would you WAIT to take plan B pills? They are for the next day/immediately after.
throwaay1992: she didnt want to take them because they would make her feel bad
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406822445 | 1406838936 | t3_2c8yno | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU By mooning my whole family.
So my dad's side of the family and I have reunions in different parts of the US every year(since we have family all over the US). This year we decided to have it in Sedona, Arizona. We were at this river swimming, and there was a huge cliff we had access to and we were all using it as a jumping off point into the river. Well, my swimsuit was a two piece that was about a half a size too large. I proceeded to walk up the trail to the top of the cliff and my whole family was cheering me on supporting me to jump…
Excited, I jumped, touched my toes in the air the went on to form a diving position, I was accelerating so fast that I had to make an executive decision…
Do I:
A) Keep my bottoms on and dive in head first into the water
B) Keep strong in my diving position and hope to God my bottoms don't fly off.
Well, I chose B.. While my whole family is cheering me on...Immediately I feel my bottoms flying off of me.When they finally flew off of me…. The loud roar of my family turned into an utter silence.
Once I hit the water I realized I had just mooned everyone.
chumpsRus: Well...at least you'll have stories to tell to friends!
FunkMastaFlexx: I don't have any friends :(
chumpsRus: Aww :( well I can be your reddit friend if you want.
FunkMastaFlexx: Fuck yeah!
chumpsRus: Ok! Uhh...is there a friend button or something?
TheXEADragon: Yeah, just go onto his profile and hit "+friends" under his name on the right.
chumpsRus: Thanks! I owe you something now...
| 8 | 1.75 | |
1406820734 | 1406825179 | t3_2c8vnm | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU at work by casually making fun of a tragedy.
Background: So I work for an insurance company in South Africa and work with a pretty decent group of people. It's been a nice change of pace for the past year, especially after my prior job as a strip club MC/DJ.
So today at work we get a car rental claim for a woman traveling. Nothing out of the ordinary except I find out the one woman's name is 'Jamaica'. Funny I suppose, but then I find out her kids' names are Aruba and Bahama. Come on- someone's fucking with me, right? I go on call and talk to the woman looking to make the claim before putting her on a transfer to an appropriate department. So my friends and I share a laugh at their names with obvious Caribbean connotations, and one coworker drops "Those have to be stripper names. You've seen some good ones in your day eh Keira?" Like an idiot I mockingly go into my Strip Club MC voice: "And now comin' up on the stage here's the lovely Jamaica... followed up by the sensuous Haiti- she's gonna shake up the stage!"
The transfer bounced back to me right as I was doing the voice.
The customer is from Haiti.
Calls are recorded.
I have a meeting with HR tomorrow.
booker_dwight: Just say it wasn't you.
keirasocks: Calls are under registry.
booker_dwight: Well shit.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406823832 | 1406867661 | t3_2c917n | t5_2to41 | 132 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a ride to a stranger
This was actually about a month ago, but whatever. At around 9pm I was walking out of a Walgreens with the few items I needed to support my bachelor lifestyle, and was about to go pick up a pizza I had ordered for carry out. As I was walking to my car there was a man talking on the phone, and I could tell he was begging someone to come pick him up.
I didn't engage him, I just kept walking, but he stopped me because he noticed my shirt had the name of my local college on it, and asked if I went there. I told him yes, and he proceeded to start telling me about how his baby mommas car broke down close to campus and she was supposed to be picking him up. His problem was he claimed to be new to the area and didn't know how he would be able to get to her.
From where we were the campus was like a 5-10 minute drive, so when he asked if there was any way I could drive him to his baby mommas car, I agreed. I was hesitant when he asked me, but I figured it was unlikely there was any malice intended.
Low and behold once we got to a dark section of the road the guy pulls a knife on me and tells me to the pull the car over. I've never been more scared in my life, so of course I do what he says. He then tells me to give him my wallet, I oblige and he takes my cash ($40) and anything that looks like a credit/debit card then throws my wallet back to me and says "I don't want this other shit". He then gets out of the car and bolts.
I sat there for a few minutes calming myself down and trying to figure out what I should do. It was only $40 and my bank account was completely empty at the time so he couldn't buy anything with the debit card even if he wanted to. I decided to just drive home, thankful that I still at least still had my drivers license and insurance card so I wouldn't have to deal with that hassle.
When I got home I called up dominos to cancel my order, and proceeded to drink and smoke myself to oblivion while I reflected on what had just happened to me. I cancelled my debit card the next day, and decided it was pointless to try and talk to any law enforcement about it, there was just no way to find the guy and it wasn't that much money.
TL;DR decided to give a stranger a ride, got robbed
PaperbagRider: Probably worth reporting so that he can't do this to other people. The next day, Walgreen's might've had this guy on security camera footage. Not sure they'd still have it now.
Glad you're safe, though.
VexingRaven: Most systems come with enough storage space to hold quite a long while worth of footage, it's certainly worth reporting either way.
dekmansh: The cops won't bother looking. Trust me. Been there done that. If you want something done, do it yourself. Ask the manager for the footage around that time, find that thieving fucker, get the few seconds that matter and/or print out a few frames, then give it to the police with a report. Then give those images to the local news. Nobody will make a big deal of it until you do.
VexingRaven: A manager would never (or should never) give access to security footage to anybody but police.
dekmansh: I don't see why not, especially if you've already filed a police report and show the proof. It's not like it reveals trade secrets or anything. I mean, it worked for me. I didn't get any grief for asking.
| 6 | 22 | |
1406822806 | 1406854953 | t3_2c8zbx | t5_2to41 | 7,390 | zombitatertot: TIFU by shining a laser in my brother's butthole...
Like most of the TIFU stories this didn't happen today, but rather 5 years ago when I was about 12 years old. My brother (we'll call him Mike) and I were in my room late at night, bored when he showed me his new laser pointer he'd just bought.
After minutes of messing around with the laser, my 12 year old mind thought it would be a funny idea to shine the laser up my brother's ass to see his lit up anal cavity. Keep in mind we were just weird little 12 year olds when this happened (so we didn't think it was all that odd).
After a few minutes of exploring the depths of my brothers butthole, we both thought it would be even funnier to poke a hole through a water bottle and pour water up his butt and then shine the laser to see what that looked like...We did this and Mike muttered the words "I don't feel good" because honestly who would feel good with water poured up their butt?
What happened next was a moment of my childhood that I'll never forget and is still one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. My dad opened the door to see the sight of me shining a laser in my brothers butt. This must have been nerve-racking for my brother, because he tensed up and shot poop water directly in my face as my poor dad witnessed the entire scene. My dad immediately closed the door once he saw this and he hasn't spoken a word of it since.
**TL;DR:** Shined laser and poured water in brother's butthole, dad walked in, frightened brother spewed his butt juice on my face.
**EDIT**: Thanks to /u/Cyae1 for narrating this TIFU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JowMaBzVvEM&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&index=25
**EDIT 2:** Thanks for the gold!
**EDIT 3:** WOW! Did not expect all the hype and I've been reading comments all night laughing. As for my brother I showed him the post and he can't believe this is so popular, also he seems to be reliving the worst part of his childhood.
cuii: what in the actual
Nulsuyaru: FUCK, dude!
Tortoise_Rapist: He can't even.
shaggyshag420: On a scale of 1 to even, he cant.
OdiousMachine: [Reference](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ruJBKFrRCk)
LazyBoyUSA: I've never seen this video before in my life
Super_Zac: Yeah, how have I never seen this before?
JamesLiptonIcedTea: Watch his other videos. Even if you're not into skateboarding, he's a funny dude.
Super_Zac: I actually did, I started watching his related videos and was watching him put on grip tape. Made me wish I still skated. He was sufficiently hilarious enough for me to subscribe.
JamesLiptonIcedTea: The video of him teaching his first timer friend how to skate is good.
| 11 | 671.818182 | |
1406825517 | 1406901210 | t3_2c94fe | t5_2to41 | 342 | doesnotgive2: TIFU by trusting my fuck buddy
(Fairly long - sorry!) Background Story
I met her at the start of this year on a magical service called Tinder. We got along fairly well but I wasn't looking for much at the time, so conversation dried up and we stopped talking.
A few months later, in a persistent state of what I suggest should be listed in future medical journals as "androgen-triggered transient cognitive cessation", I thought it would be a good idea to hit this lovely young woman up for dinner (with pretty clear expectations of what was to follow).
We got along, and continued meeting fairly regularly for about a month, until she suddenly broke it off. I always had a lingering feeling that she was insecure about something though...
So about a week later, I'm chatting to her (text) and she randomly asks me how I would "rate her" in bed. This seemed a strange question, but given the "just a random question" element, I assumed that she was feeling insecure and needing validation, or something like that. So I jokingly gave her a "rating", explaining that I enjoyed my time with her ("don't feel bad, you were good!", reassuring sort of stuff).
Then she asked if I was "dtf". At this point I started wondering if she was looking to rekindle our arrangement or something. My response, along the lines of "err, I guess, why?" was acknowledged rather coldly, which I thought odd. And then, the replies abruptly stopped.
I figured, being an odd character (as many of us are), she might be thinking things over, or have suddenly changed her mind... So I left it and didn't consider it any further.
---
Fast forward to this morning, when I was rudely awakened by a barrage of messages on my phone, confused friends sending me photos of *something*. Once I caught a glimpse of this "something", my vision abruptly cleared.
I was looking at myself. My name, age, picture, degree (at college)... And my "responses" to a questionnaire of sorts. "Rating", "best and worst parts", "still dtf?"...
Oh, and those reassuring messages? The sensitive assertions I made of her sexual prowess, and of how great our time was together? There they were, in crisp, sans-serif typography, on the reflective surface of a freshly printed magazine page.
Most people that know me, including my parents (who until this point were blissfully unaware of their offspring's sexual activities), have probably seen this particular publication by now. And there is a steady stream of "is this you?!" messages trickling towards me through the great pipes of the interwebs. I have never felt such incredible shame.
So, my takeaway from the experience thus far is: [be like this guy.](http://imgur.com/EmjxkDc)
Tl;dr: slept with girl off Tinder, answered needy, insecure-sounding questions because I felt sorry for her... And now I'm a woman-objectifying male pig in a widely distributed local magazine.
UPDATE: The magazine has contacted me and apologised for the article. They have stated the actions of the columnist were far below what would be expected of contributors (ha, really?!). They will be taking disciplinary action, as well as retracting and publicly apologising for the article. No mention of monetary compensation, and no specifics on what "disciplinary action" means, or what the apology will contain. I'm just hoping they don't name me _again_ in the process of apologising...
UPDATE 2: The apology was published today. It seemed extremely generic, though, and the columnist wasn't named (on either the apology _or_ the original column).
She has been completely nameless in the entire thing, and as such has basically got away with dishonestly publishing this material with a slap on the wrist from the magazine. Not sure what my options are at this point but I will be doing everything I can.
notsorrycharlie: Dude, I would call up her boss and tell them you did not give permission to have any of your personal info published and something needs to be done. Your rep is already tarnished but there may be something that you can do, like get her fired. That is fucked up. I'm sorry.
doesnotgive2: Thanks :) I have been in touch with her editor and am getting legal advice. But as you say, the damage has been done.
[deleted]: Sue the publication out of existence. Your reputation will recover, there's a non-zero chance that its bank balance will not.
om_nom_cheese: It's not libel if it's true - or if it's clearly an opinion and not stated as fact. If the texts are presented as they were sent to her, and the rest is clearly shown to be *her opinion of him* it might not be considered libellous in his jurisdiction. It depends on his local laws, and whether text messages are a protected form of correspondence. Like, it might be suing the pants off them is the best idea, but if they're a professional organization they might be aware of the laws well enough that if it were a problem to publish texts with only one party's consent, they might not have accepted the article - in which case launching a lawsuit might end up costing OP money and going nowhere.
I don't want to be a debbie downer, but depending where you live, it's not always possible to sue the pants off of a major publisher.
doesnotgive2: I should clarify some things about what was actually published...
* The section of the publication in which I appeared was a column written by the woman I had been seeing.
* The (apparent) purpose of the column was an "exposé" on her "conquests", so to speak.
* The _only_ text published in the entire column was questionnaire text (same for all of the guys burnt by this thing), identity related stuff (name, age, etc.) and our "responses" to the questions.
* At no point was any context on the "interviews" provided - the editors of the magazine tell me they believed the (five or six) men written about had consented to be published (why anyone would think that, I can not fathom).
You are right though, where I am it is not necessarily easy to file a lawsuit. I also can't sue her directly, which irks me a little (because it was a direct action of hers that caused this).
But the mag still should've properly vetted its columnists and I'm astonished no one, at any point thought, "Shit son! This could be a little humiliating for these guys. Maybe I should just _double check_ that they're okay having this published..."
om_nom_cheese: Write a counter piece, odds are if the editor is genuinely sorry they'll publish your side of things too.
pankoman: This isn't a bad idea. Consider even asking them to print the actual text messages.
om_nom_cheese: Or other texts from either of them including what she sent so there's context outside of the answers to a few very specific questions.
| 9 | 38 | |
1406827808 | 1407787988 | t3_2c98ve | t5_2to41 | 3,270 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally ripping open a female coworker's top
This happened a few months ago, but I've been writhing in shame and couldn't bring my self to tell anyone about it.
So I work in a clothing store on the women's section in the UK. This section is entirely staffed by females, except for me. There is one particularly hot girl that worked with me who I had been flirting with pretty much ever since she started, and she seemed to be flirting back. This led to the other women that work with us including my manager teasing us about it, and making jokes about what we might have been doing if they happened to catch us together.
One day I was out the back talking to this girl (We'll call her Sarah) about how much stock we had hanging on rails that wouldn't fit on the shop floor. As I'm talking about this I walk past her and brush my hand through all the clothing hung on one of the rails. Now, for some reasons I decided to do this backwards so that my hand moved from in front of me to behind. Once my hand reached it's maximum behind-me-ness I span around with arm still stretched out to the side, and caught Sarah's top, ripping the buttons open around the chest area, and causing some serious boob spillage.
She laughs it off, although I'm frozen, stood there thinking "JESUS CHRIST SHE HAS BIG BOOBS". This means it's a struggle for her to do the buttons back up without undoing the whole top so she says to me "Don't just watch!". In my panicked mind I decide that this means she wants help, and the best way to help is to mush her boobs back into her top while she does up the buttons.
As I start mushing, Sarah lets out an "Oh my god" of surprise, my manager walks in, and I almost instinctively push Sarah away from me and into one of the rails filled with clothes. My manager looks at me, looks to Sarah, who is now tangled in disgusting Cashmere jumpers with her boobs still out, turns back towards the door she had just come through and simply shouts "I knew it would happen!".
Despite Sarah and I fully explaining the situation to everyone that we work with, they now all think I was about to shag her in the stock room.
TL;DR: Boom boom boom boom, I would totally shag Sarah in the stock room.
Edit: Punctuation
Arpikarhu: "As I Start Mushing Sarah" is going to be the name of my new band
SirDigbyChknCaesar: Too many words.
"Mushing Sarah" is the sweet spot.
Arpikarhu: name your own band then!
SirDigbyChknCaesar: Fine, I'm calling it "Arpikarhu's Folly".
Arpikarhu: you are naming your band after my penis?!!?
SirDigbyChknCaesar: Is "Small and Flaccid" taken?
Hurricane_Viking: [] not rekt
[x] rekt
teiu88: [x] not erekt
[] erekt
EDomina: [x] Shrekt
[ ] Erekt
[ ] Rekt
[ ] Not rekt
Domino587: [ ] Love
[ ] Life
[x] Both
Domino587: Shreck is not drekt
| 12 | 272.5 | |
1406828695 | 1406901390 | t3_2c9alq | t5_2to41 | 82 | my_shit: Tifu by watching Porn
Well I guess we can all agree that we have watched Porn at one point or another I know I have and today was a little different then I expected, I haven't beat the sausage in a while so tonight I was a little excited for it it's late and it's a full house everyone is asleep and it's quite enough to hear a pin hit the floor, I lost my headphones so I decide to lower the volume all the way from my phone only I didn't realize that I was still connected via Bluetooth to my small but very loud speakers and I for some got given reason decided to play a video that consists of alot of hardcore moaning and yelling I stopped it emideitly but I'm 100% sure everyone in the house heard it because as soon as I turned it off I heard my dad say "oh god tomorrow morning is going to be awkward"
acrobaticrabbit: > emideitly
Hackurtu: tWahs rnwog htwi htat?
Twinkie454: That physically hurt to read
dascons: I gave up after minimal effort was spent trying to understand
| 5 | 16.4 | |
1406828471 | 1406842395 | t3_2c9a6m | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a menstrual cup [maybe NSFW]
Maybe NSFW? Not sure.
So technically this happened yesterday through today at about 4am.
So I use a menstrual cup as an alternative to pads and tampons because it's cheaper ($40 for like 5 years), cleaner, environmentally friendly, etc. I also live with my dad, who didn't know I do this.
So my period ended yesterday and that morning I took out the cup, cleaned it out, and thought I put it in my drawer in the bathroom. I come back to the drawer that night to get toothpaste and lo and behold, the cup is gone.
So I'm frantically trying to figure out where I put it because it would be really awkward to explain to my dad what it is. I end up looking in the shower, garbage, basement, etc. I even dig through my own vagina for a minute to make sure I didn't somehow leave it in and forget about it. It has vanished into thin air.
So then I think, maybe my dad found it and kept it because he didn't know what it was. So I go to his room (it's 3am at this point) and wake him up and try to be vague about the situation, but end up having to explain menstrual cups to him.
As I'm talking, I see our dog on his bed and realize that the dog might have taken it. He tends to drag things into the yard, which is bad because our neighbors and their very young children share the yard with us. So now it's 3:30 in the morning, I'm outside in my pajamas looking through the yard and finally find it covered in dog saliva. It sounds really gross but I invested $40 in this thing, so I don't want to throw it out. Decided to keep it. I'm dreading next month.
**TL;DR: Dog got my menstrual cup; searched through yard in my pajamas until 4am; now I have to put something that was once in my dog's mouth into my vagina.**
sergeantmunch: The...the hygiene.
[deleted]: The dog slobber grosses me out as well, but menstrual cups in general are actually more hygienic than tampons and pads. \#shamelesspromotion
sergeantmunch: I was referring to the slobber and possibly dirt and such.
[deleted]: Oh. Then yes! It's pretty repulsive. I'm going to boil it.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1406829361 | 1406860587 | t3_2c9bv2 | t5_2to41 | 109 | TKricci: TIFU by not knocking, NSFW
So im sitting here typing this and I don't really know what to say. I fucked up big time and I don't know how ill ever forget what my eyes saw.
My roommate was gone when I woke up this morning before I left for class. (He usually goes home from thursdays to mondays because he isn't working during the weekend). I had a test today so I said fuck it let me get high. I was looking around for my bag of treats when I remembered that I left it in his room the previous night. So I just walked into his room without knocking.....There he was but ass naked with his fingers in his butt. WTF!!!!! Like standing in the middle of his room with his FINGER in his BUTT. That wasn't even the weirdest part. He was watching porn on his TV, but it wasn't regular porn. I have no idea what kind of porn it was. There was a girl wearing a DIAPER rubbing herself!!!!! When he turned to see me his expression went to complete shock and he just stared. After about 30 seconds of us not speaking I quietly exited out of the room and walked into my room. I haven't come out yet. Im frightened.
TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off to DIAPER PORN with his finger in his ass.
Edit: So we ran into each other at the refrigerator. I did my best mission impossible impression and escaped my room for some food. He cornered me in-between the island and the fridge. He said it wasn't what it looked like, I swear my words were, "so you didn't have your finger in your ass?", we burst out laughing and I forgot I wrote this. I made him wash his hands and we shared some delicious goodies.
LeprosySucks: >I haven't come out yet.
It sounds like he hasn't either.
Edit: Thanks for my first gold. =)
prowness: wtf 9 points and gilded? o.O I wanna ride this gold train ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
TKricci: what is gold, im kind of a reddit newbie
insufficient_gold: Its basically a gift you can give someone that gives them access to a whole bunch of bonus content, and special deals....you should check out the reddit101 post on the front page...I'd link it but im on mobile
SwiggitySwat: [Here's the link to Reddit 101](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2bwyly/mod_post_reddit_101/)
| 6 | 18.166667 | |
1406829699 | 1406908472 | t3_2c9cis | t5_2to41 | 26 | Mr_Flacid: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend.
This happened 2 days ago, but, recently I started dating my best friend that I have known for 4-ish years. We're very close, and after a month and a half of being officially a couple, it's safe to say I've never felt this way about a girl in my 17 years existing on earth. She's two years older than me, and is loved by my entire family. She lives about an hour away from me, and due to this, we try to spend as much time as possible together when we are together.
This past Sunday, I finished up at my local motocross races, My SO texted me and asked me to come pick her up from a friends house who lives in the same town as me. I'll take any opportunity i can to see her because she does live so far away, however, I had to postpone it until the next morning because of previous commitments I had made. The next morning comes along and I picked her up. We hung out at my house and Had sex and whatever else two teenage kids do while in an empty house.
That night (monday,) she came camping with me and some of my friends to celebrate a birthday. We woke up, I had a text from my mother giving me a list of things that I had to do that day, which included taking my younger brother to get a haircut. So, we packed up and went to my house, She wanted to shower, and I wanted to sleep. After she had finished showering she came into my room and things again got heated, and we had sex.
After cleaning up and all of that good stuff, I go to talk to my brother about how he wants to approach the hair cut situation, seeing as I still had to drive my SO home. He told me he wanted that I take her home first and then come and get him and take him to get his hair cut, which ***seems*** like an OK plan, but this is where it turns into the big fuck up.
I'm driving down the highway enjoying the company of my SO, when my phone starts ringing. It's my mom, "that's funny, she's still working" I thought to myself. I pick up. "Hey mom."
She immediately started yelling at me about where I was. I delivered an answer, and in return she delivered an ultimatum. That being "you have 5 minutes to call me without (MrFlacid's girlfriend's name) in the car." Which, at the moment was impossible considering I was doing 80 down the highway with 30 miles to go until i arrived at My girlfriend's house. I suck it up, told my girlfriend to be quiet, and took the verbal beating that awaited me. In fact, my Mother's opening statement after asking me if i was alone was "I KNOW YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH ________ IN MY HOUSE!" After a conversation filled with being told I was a disappointment, and not knowing what to say, she hung up. I dropped my girlfriend off, and drove home sweating like a whore in church. I got home, and the trash can where i threw the condoms from the past two sexual escapades have been dumped out over my floor, which was a bit of overkill if you ask me, but whatever.
I took my brother to get his hair cut and went to work, where the overwhelming stress of my mother knowing about sex happening in her house got to me, causing me to get a migraine and puke all over the bathroom at my home upon arrival. I was sent home early, and I began my voyage to the most uncomfortable conversation I've had with my mother. A conversation including me being blatantly irresponsible, not thinking about impositions put on my family by my actions, a tidbit about religion and saving myself for marriage, and using "living fast" as a way to escape my emotions and feelings followed, and I went to bed feeling shittier about myself than I ever have.
It has been two days, and things seem to have calmed down between my mother and I, but there is still quite the awkward tension whenever something even slightly sexual presents itself.
**TL;DR-**Spent two days with my girlfriend, Mom found out we bumped nasties and shit hit the fan.
keripoke: How old are you?
Mr_Flacid: I'm 17, My Girlfriend is 19.
Darkenshade: And therein lies the problem... If you are in the US Its illegal. So your mom lost her shit about it.
Not that im judging...
Mr_Flacid: I don't beleive it's illegal. Age of consent is 17 here in Colorado, and my SO Doesn't have more than 4 years on me, which would make it illegal.
Darkenshade: Interesting, I thought it was 18 country wide. Just don't pull that in California.
Thumbs up for you!
idk5839225: Majority of the states in the US have age of consent laws set at 16. To be specific, 31 states have it at 16, 8 states at 17, and 12 states set at 18.
Darkenshade: So im the minority? weird.
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1406825821 | 1406863865 | t3_2c94y3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Dupaloop: TIFU by not getting high and shaving my scrote.
EDIT: I fucked up BY getting high and shaving my scrote.
As with most of these, this happened a few weeks ago but I just got turned onto this sub. So I woke up like any other day and did the old wake and bake. Now in anticipation of a date I had coming up I thought it would be a good idea to do some maintenance on the twig and berries. All is going well until i notice some stray hairs on the bottom of my shaft. I guess I should add that I'm using an electric trimmer to do this. Anyways, to get at these little buggers I had to remove the guard from the trimmer.... I'm my high state I must have gotten distracted by the mirror or just zoned out but as I am going down my shaft I feel a distinct "burning" sensation followed by a warm wetness that can only mean blood. I look down and to my horror see a freshly excavated flesh trench dug into my manhood. I sat in a cold tub for a bit and got out to check on the damage.
Now here is where I really fucked up. I figure that this is definitely an area I do not want to get infected so I should close the wound.. As somebody who has never used liquid band-aid before let me tell what I discovered, it FUCKING BURNS like hell going on!!! So, I'm dancing around the bathroom with the pain of a thousand suns on my dick cursing the world for about 3 minutes until it finally subsides.
I assumed my ordeal was over and went about my day eventually falling asleep. I awoke to some intense pain and well, now I know what happens when you get morning wood with a very tightly closed fresh wound on your manhood :(.
TL;DR : TIFU by shaving a line into my dick skin, closing the would with liquid hell and, then having mother nature reopen the wound in the morning.
LaDarkPhoenix: go to the fucking doctor mate
Dupaloop: Luckily, nothing ever came of it. just had to wait a week for the "shaved" part to turn black and fall off. Scared the heck outta me
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406829819 | 1406853176 | t3_2c9crx | t5_2to41 | 31 | scottw512: TIFU by eating a raw habanero pepper and going to the gym
So I get to the office this morning and see one of my co-workers has brought in fresh picked habanero peppers from his garden. I’m a spicy food fan so I decide to take a nibble. It’s delicious and not unbearably spicy so over the next hour I eat the rest of it in small bites along with some beef jerky I have at my desk. So far so good. Lunchtime rolls around and I head out for my usual gym trip. I start my workout and after 10 minutes or so the sweat starts to flow. Soon after, I notice the skin on my face and forehead is starting to sting. I quickly come to the frightening realization that the capsaicin from the pepper is oozing out of my pores along with the sweat. Undeterred, I soldier on but as I continue, more and more of my skin is starting to burn. Eventually patches of skin all over my body are becoming red and irritated with the burning. After 30 minutes or so of this, I call it quits and head into the shower thinking that the long nightmare is finally over. Then the hot shower water hits my irritated skin and it starts burning MUCH worse. At this point I have no choice but to finish my shower while enduring my dietary punishment.
punster_: Brings spicy in, spicy out to a whole new level.
Oh and just wait til number 2 kicks in.
scottw512: I forgot to put in the part where some of the sweat rolled into my eyes. I had to stumble around with eyes half shut looking for the towel stack.
manchesterca: ".....that's not a towel...."
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1406829815 | 1407040957 | t3_2c9cri | t5_2to41 | 68 | Mesartihm: TIFU by using my boyfriends mothers cell phone - possibly [NSFW]
So this happened about two months ago so here's a little background information.
Two months ago my boyfriend, D's father was leaving town but his phone was all messed up from being rooted. So D offered to fix it, and we would have his dad take his moms phone so he had communication. So now his mother is without a phone but no biggie we have an extra one laying around and give it to her. I hated my phone so once D got his dads phone working again I was all over that HTC One.
I used the rooted HTC One for about a month while his father is away and I love it! The camera takes such nice pictures, the size is so much smaller than my Note 2. After a few days of using the phone and realizing that my tiny hands aren't dropping it half as much as my old one I get a *great* idea guys. Its nudie time. I take about 40 pictures of me stripping, boob shots, ass shots, playing with my toys, anything I could think of to send to my boyfriend.
Well about two weeks after sending the pictures it came time for D and I to move half way across the country. We packed up, D put a new ROM that worked on the HTC One and "wiped" it.
Now I say that because we looked through the phone and nothing was there as far as we could tell. Me and D's mom swap phones and we are on our way to the airport.
Flash forward a week and a half and I get a text from her
"Talk to D yet? P.S Nice boobies"
My brain could not rack an idea out of my head that even came to mind as to what she meant. So I go outside find D and say "Hey so your mom just texted me" Showed him the text and he looks at me and says "So remember how you were using her phone?"
"but you wiped that..."
"No I told you to wipe it"
His dad had later texted him "Girlfriends nudies on the mothers phone - Classic"
I'm so glad we moved 30 hours away.
tl;dr didn't wipe my bfs moms phone after using it for a month, she probably saw all my dirty pics I sent to her son.
TheXEADragon: She now knows that you want the D. Watch out.
ILikeMyFishRaw: she showed her double Ds to get D's D
[deleted]: So D was going to do A while A was fucking with S....:')
Crimsonfoxy: And if D was 5 years older than A, and C is half the age of A was when they met B who is 32. How old is F?
TheIncredibleInk: Easy, F equals M times A.
| 6 | 11.333333 |
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