start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
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value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1406832458 | 1406978350 | t3_2c9i12 | t5_2to41 | 49 | fart_till_I_bleed: TIFU by masturbating after doing yard work
TLDR: I now have poison ivy on my dick.
We purchased a new house recently. It sat vacant for a year and the previous owners were shit land lords, so it's a bit of a fixer-upper. Theres a patch overgrown stuff on a pretty steep hill in our yard and I wanted to clear it out. Last month during some heat I started working on clearing it out. It's heavily overgrown with english ivy and wild grape and in that is some poison ivy. I found that out the hard way and had the worst case of poison ivy I had ever seen. I had worked in an emergency room for a while and many other healthcare patient related positions, and never seen it this bad before. I ended up missing a few days of work, but I did at this time I did avoid the ivy spreading to my crotch. Some time had passed and this time we came at it with new weapons, herbicided the shit out of that hill to kill everything, and damn did it work. After letting all the stuff die and a few rain storms that, in my mind, would wash away the poison ivy oils I decided it's time to work on clearing it out again. So two days ago I get dressed up in pants and long sleeves and go back to finish the job and spend several hours chopping away at the ivy and small trees. After several hours of working on the yard I decided it was time to sleep so I could get a couple hours of rest before going to work, and what better way to unwind then to rub one out? So logically rub one out, then jump in the shower to wash of the lotion, shame, and dirt and feel nice and clean before bed. So I wash the dirt off my hands, undress and get to work on myself. I woke up, went to work, then came home in the morning and noticed some rashes were forming and I was begining to itch. Shit, it's happening again, and over the next 24 hours it started showing all the places including my now itchy crotch. The majority of my body is not as covered as the first case last month, but now here I sit with some poison ivy on my dick.
BigBobsBootyBarn: Just a future FYI: Always rinse off with cold water after you've been exposed. Hot/warm water will open up your pores just inviting that shit in. It also makes the oil less viscous, ie. runnier, and will run down your body like baby oil on a strippers ass.
If you had of bathed in cold water first, you'd be all fine and dandy with a clean, lumpless, itchless, penis.
WhiskeyRun: PS - If you are allergic to Poison Ivy, it is possible to get a rash from every part of the plant. The oil is present in the leaf, stem, root, and seed. It is also possible to get the rash from burning the plant. Keep out of the smoke if you burning weeds, or a tree that the poison ivy has climbed.
BigBobsBootyBarn: I believe the only way to get poison ivy is to be allergic to it correct? There are just varying degrees to each person's reaction, kind of like with peanuts. One person gets an itchy throat, the other one turns blue and dies.
WhiskeyRun: I am very allergic to Poison Ivy. The doctor who treated me told me that 1/3 of the population is very allergic to it, 1/3 is mildly allergic to it, and the remaining 1/3 does not react to exposure to poison ivy. I have an uncle who can pull poison ivy with his bare hands and get no reaction. So, I don't know for a fact this is true. But that's what the doc told me.
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1406835924 | 1406882914 | t3_2c9otl | t5_2to41 | 440 | _OTL: TIFU by sending a girl I have a crush on a pic of herself...
I met a girl...beautiful, great personality and a mesmerizing smile to boot..
We've been texting back and forth sporadically for the last couple weeks (90% of the convos were work/profession related..unfortunately I am not very good at conversing with women I'm interested in) and I thought maybe I should finally grow some balls and ask her out.
So today, while conversing with a friend over the phone, he asked who the girl was and thought maybe he knew her. Name wasn't enough so he asked for a pic and thinking nothing of it, tried to send a fb photo that I liked of her and tried to send it to him...
annnnnnd I fucked up... as soon as I hit send the feeling of horror that overwhelmed me was so sickening I thought my heart dropped into the center of the earth and burnt to a crisp.. All those times I chuckled at the plight of others had finally come for my retard (no offense intended!) moment.
My friend is laughing his ass off as I write this...
Don't know what to do...
...OTL
Edit*
So she finally responded after 3 excruciating hours and laughed it off saying its no big deal (whew.. *wipes forehead*)
I apologized again over a phone call and the conversation went really well despite the fact that I was pretty much groveling the entire conversation... and she texted me afterwards saying how funny it was and she genuinely seemed to be in a good mood :)
I think the whole ordeal actually made us a little more comfortable with each other and I hope for a good outcome in the near future!
ps. thanks everyone for all the great suggestions and comments.. made the time till her response not nearly as painful as it could have been!
BigBobsBootyBarn: Be suave about it. Something along the lines of:
"Do you know who this is? She is seriously beautiful. What I wouldn't give for a dinner date, say 8 P.M., tonight, with this person. Let me know if you can get a hold of her."
Tintunabulo: I would do this but say 'kinda cute' instead of 'seriously beautiful' which might be a little much.
MuffinPuff: Seriously beautiful is way better than kinda cute. The first makes you feel like a 10, while the second is like a 6.
MCShereKhan: dude the point isn't which is more semantically flattering, the point is that you don't want to creep out an acquaintance by saying she's the permaeuphoria inducing girl of his dreams
MuffinPuff: As a girl, I would not be creeped out by that statement. "Kinda cute" is like a backhanded compliment, like saying"You're *somewhat* cute, but only in good lighting and on the right day..." while "Seriously beautiful" is a 100% positive statement. I'd rather have the guy say "You're cute" than /kinda/ cute. Go Big or Go Home bruh.
MCShereKhan: I understand how you would say that as a lady but that's not how it works in the real world. telling a woman you've met a few weeks ago that she's strikingly beautiful after sending her a stalked photo of herself all of a sudden is a surefire way to dry up all vaginas in a 25 mile radius
MuffinPuff: Under those circumstances, anything relating to her appearance after sending her a photo of herself is gonna sound weird. It would be best for him to admit what he was doing truthfully, AND to let her know that she's beautiful. I think it would be really sweet.
I can't say the same for a high school aged female though.. They're weird.
MCShereKhan: I know you won't be able to see it through a mans lens but what you proposed would fail much more often than not. Sweet and creepy are separated by a thin line that OP does not fall in favor of (let's be real). far better to just play it off without mentioning the words stalking and/or beautiful
MuffinPuff: Since he already sent the photo, she's gonna be wondering what he was doing with it in the first place... Pretending like nothing happened is just gonna make her think she was being used as fap material.
But I think you're right, I am seeing this through a female's perspective. If I had a thing for a guy and I was snooping through his FB, while accidentally sending him his own photo, I'd confess that I think he's gorgeous. I know some women are hypersensitive about things, but I think the average woman would appreciate the compliment too.
MCShereKhan: [see here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2c9otl/tifu_by_sending_a_girl_i_have_a_crush_on_a_pic_of/cjdiqiy)
and obviously that would work if a chick said it to a dude but you have to be cognizant of the fact that not everything translates equally between genders. you're thinking what you might do if you were to do that to a dude, but a dude would have to handle it completely differently if he sent it to a chick. it's not a big deal either way though, this ain't a marriage proposal, it's a text message
MuffinPuff: Have you read the EDIT/Update? It went down exactly as I imagined it would. She thought it was cute, and now they're buds. Happy ending.
MCShereKhan: yeah bro. *buds*. friendzoned. case in point. Not a happy ending for a dude who wanted to ask her out
MuffinPuff: You do realize that the "friendzone" doesn't exist, right? If a woman wants to sleep with a man and the man with her, then it'll happen. If she doesn't want to sleep with him, there's no mountain he can climb or god to pray to that's going to change her mind about his current state. By claiming "Friendzone" is a real thing, there's this underlying suggestion that a woman has to be /convinced/ or /coerced/ into having sex with you, as if she doesn't have (or *shouldn't* have) her own likes and wants in men.
TL;DR: A woman can have her own tastes in men. If you don't fit her type, it's okay. You're someone else's type.
Also, it seems like his chances are fairly high in going on a date with her.
MCShereKhan: Your idea of a "friendzone" (which has etymologically become a bastardized memeword) might not exist but what I'm trying to communicate does. Either way, it's obvious that we are too far removed from the other gender's side to truly understand each others side. Humans are fucking animals and we respond to social cues like other animals take part in mating rituals. It's retarded to assume that the actions you take and the behavior you exude has no bearing on how inclined someone is to confide in you or want to fuck you etc.
and no there's no intentional gender-disparaging underlying suggestion dude. don't turn this into a SJW shit show
MuffinPuff: Okay. Let me put it this way:
If your only goal is to FUCK HER, then that should be her motivation towards you as well. When it comes down to FUCKING someone, the biggest factor is physical attraction for women, with a bit of other influences like your voice, how you speak, how you carry yourself, and other nuances. There are minor things you could do to increases your chances of being FUCKED by someone, but overall, it's still up to her being physically attracted to you, and what she finds attractive in men on the most basic level (such as height, voice, smile, etc).
TL;DR: If a woman wants to FUCK you, then you're already attractive to her. If you're not attractive to her visually, then there's not much else you can do to convince her to FUCK you, just short of shape-shifting.
MCShereKhan: ok
I'm not going to continue to participate in this discussion
MuffinPuff: One more reply, just for good measure.
If I asked you what you're attracted to, you'd give me a run-down of what qualities you like from a woman.
If you asked me what I'm attracted to, I'd give you a run-down of what qualities I like from a man. The men who don't have those qualities (or anything close to it) have a slim to zero chance of being a sexual interest. They wouldn't be put into the "friendzone" because they never had a chance of being a sexual partner in the first place.
MCShereKhan: I'll let someone braver than I reply
MuffinPuff: I'd be more than happy to have this discussion with a whole subreddit full of "friendzoners". You young guys need some assistance, lol
MCShereKhan: lmfao listen muffin, I'm not some neckbeard loner toting the idea of friendzoning to make myself feel better. the word has been bastardized by the type I just mentioned but it spawned into the popular lexicon due to men trying to ascribe a name for something they saw happen over and over again. it ain't perfect, but there's some truth to the concept that the phrase-coiner intended
MuffinPuff: and what exactly have men seen happen over and over again? Being turned down for sex?
| 22 | 20 | |
1406840091 | 1406901988 | t3_2c9wr2 | t5_2to41 | 19 | ieatclams: TIFU by leaving my dildo at my parents house when I went off to college. I'm a guy.
This story takes place over several years, so not technically today. But the implications of what transpired forever altered my family dynamic in major ways.
Okay so here goes. My family is majorly involved in the methodist church and I am a bisexual male. I hid this from them and just dated women. Anyway, before I went to college I bought the most realistic looking dildo that I could find and would play with it in my parents house with the doors shut in my room, obviously hiding it extremely well to pass the random room searches (ethical?!) that my parents would do as I was also into drugs at the time. I have always been an experimental fellow. Anyway, I have a locked mini trunk that I kept personal items in. Okay, time to go to college! Can't bring the dildo to the dorms. Better leave it where it's safe, in this locked trunk in my section of the attic. No one could possibly break into the trunk and violate my privacy while I am away, right?
WRONG. So my first visit back to my parents house was a little awkward, but why? My dad gave me a prison hug. My mom couldn't really look me in the eye fully. I am a very cognizant person. I knew something was up. I didn't know what yet. One day I was masturbating in my room and wanted to get kinky. So, I went up in the attic to get into that locked mini trunk. OH DEAR GOD NO. My fucking dildo is missing. That could mean only one thing. My stomach lept into my throat. My hands started shaking. My extremely religious right wing parents found this really realistic looking dildo that I kept in a locked trunk. Goddamnit. I remember the exact words that I said as I pounded my fist against the crossbeams of the attic, feeling like my privacy was totally violated. I said "that snooping BITCH!!!!" speaking about my mom. It was not the highlight of my life, needless to say.
Let that shame simmer for 4 years. Graduate from college. Never speak of these things. Keep in mind, the whole time I am deep down wondering, christ I really really hope that my mom didn't tell my Dad what she had found. Statistically calculating in my mind, she did. She totally did. Sigh.
Dec. 19th 2012 I finally confronted them about it. And I said " Mom, I think that you found my vibrator and it really upset me that my privacy was violated. I am not gay, that was from a previous relationship that was very explorative ( technically a lie, but I was trying to save face at this point and not uncloset myself as Bi to them) and I really wish that you hadn't been so FUCKING AMORAL AS TO BREAK INTO THAT TRUNK, YA KNOW"
So, she melted down and said that I had no right to lecture her that it was her house, etc. and I never think that she totally bought the story about the dildo being from the general relationship kink thing, I mean what would you think if you were a conservative christian and you found a rubber dick in your kids trunk? Okay, well I felt strangely relieved and exonerated somehow now that I had the courage to confront that shit out in the open. It haunted me for years, and now I really fucking don't care that much honestly. In the years past, they have told me in separate conversations that they were very concerned that I was going to hell for not believing what they believe anyway, so I kind of discount their opinions in my life at this point anyway. Still, I have never talked to my Dad about that, only my Mom. So technically I am not 100% sure that he knows. But he totally does know. I just don't know if he actually saw "It". But anyway, these types of scenarios fueled a powerful drug and alcohol habit for years. I went to therapy because of the deep, deep, soul deep shame. Getting the fuck over it. Thanks Reddit.
TL;DR: Went to college, Mom Found Dildo, Felt very embarrassed, confronted her about it, went to therapy, posted to reddit.
sergeantmunch: I'd have enjoyed knowing a guy who was flexible enough orientation/sex-wise to use a dildo. It sucks that you had to go through that, but I'm glad you managed to actually get it out in the open with your mom.
That was pretty ballsy of you. Kudos.
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: Woah, completely straight guys like givin' their ol' prostate a tingle. Lets not stereotype or jump to conclusions.
sergeantmunch: As I said: never met one personally. Wish I had. Didn't say none of them did.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1406839031 | 1406916261 | t3_2c9ur9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | mightbealady: TIFU by NOT making the secks with a guy
Context: This was a few years ago in college. A few months prior, I had been kicked out of a 5 year relationship with a guy a few years older than me, who left me in a cruel way that left me a little fucked up. After much prodding from my roommate, I started going out to parties and such, with no intention of hooking up with anyone.
Anyway, I'd been hanging out with a guy I thought was just a friend (I'd met his out-of-town GF a few times, and really liked her) at a mixer and got too drunk to get back to my place. I wasn't so drunk I couldn't remember, just too drunk to walk across campus alone at 3AM.I ended up staying in his dorm that night-on the couch- no shenanigans happening whatsoever. Wake up the next morning, head back to my dorm like it's no big deal.
Flash forward a year or so, I'm dating a great guy who happens to be in the same frat as the guy above. Let's call him couch-guy. Things are going great, we're seriously contemplating marriage. He knows the group of guys I hung out with and asks if anything has ever happened between any of them and me. I say 'no' because I don't count crashing on a guy's couch as a happening. BF then asks couch-guy the same thing, couch-guy says we made the secks. Cue "I can never trust you again" breakdown from BF... and a lot of coaxing a reassurance from me that couch-guy is an asshole and a liar. I seriously contemplated telling couch-guy's GF all the girls I knew about that he did fuck, but decided to be the bigger person there... not sure if that was a good idea or not, but they're married now.
Happy ending: that relationship ended up holding strong and now we're happily married.
TL;DR- if a guy has a chance to brag about imaginary sex with you, he will... to your future husband.
sergeantmunch: er...seems more like your boyfriend's the one who fucked up than you, not trusting you that damned quickly. Yeesh. All you did was NOT help a guy cheat on his girlfriend.
mightbealady: as a guy who had been cheated on by every other SO he'd ever had, I think he had been conditioned to automatically assume the worst. not saying that he had a reasonable reaction, but yeah..
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Seconded. By experience as well.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406841629 | 1406866466 | t3_2c9zll | t5_2to41 | 10 | jawnbull: TIFU By using shaving cream as lube.
I'm a young horny male and sometimes when you're in that mood you'll do whatever it takes to release the tension. It seemed like a good idea until it started expanding and creating a huge mess.
officialAZE: pls read the ingredients first
ohlookahipster: x2
Used soap as lube once and I ended up in the ER.
I'm allergic to common perfumes found in soaps and shaving cream.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1406841719 | 1406844513 | t3_2c9zs1 | t5_2to41 | 16 | throwawayultra3000: TIFU by kissing the girl I liked.
There's a girl that I had been friends with for months. She's (VERY) beautiful, charismatic, fun, etc... most certainly a 10 in my books. If anything she's really one of the only girls I have had a crush on in years. We had always hung out together in groups and never alone. Well one day I got the bright idea to ask her to hangout just me and her. To my surprise she said yes!
When I picked her up I met her parents. The usual (We have heard alot about you, what are you planning to do in your future, do you have a job etc...). So by this point I really had thought it was a date, and we had proceeded to probably have one of the most fun "dates" I have ever had in my life. It couldn't have gone better for the both of us. When I dropped her off I kissed her... It was like kissing a cardboard cutout. Her lips were sealed completely shut. Me thinking (Shes just new at this) I kept going. Well 20-30 seconds passed and she said. "Okay enough." and I awkwardly said goodbye.
Well I knew something was up... I had REALLY messed up...
So I texted her the next day and she responded! I couldn't of been happier. I then proceeded to ask her if she was mad about what happened the night before.
She said:
"Im not mad! Why would I be? Boys will be boys! Don't worry about it! Just don't let it happen again, you most definitely surprised me!"
tl;dr kissed a girl still stuck in friendzone
SecondThreat: That sucks, I would end the relationship. She's clearly not interested and maintaining a friendship with her will just cause you more grief.
throwawayultra3000: I agree. But that is easier said than done....
SecondThreat: Absolutely, but just keep what I said in mind. Good luck with your decision.
| 4 | 4 | |
1406840320 | 1406849725 | t3_2c9x5z | t5_2to41 | 23 | thelastkevin: TIFU by cutting my finger at work (and then reporting it)
To start, I am a first year apprentice electrician, and I started work just a month ago. I'm currently working at one of the biggest (or the biggest) construction site in North America, and safety very emphasized on site all the time.
That being said, yesterday *almost today* I was doing the same thing I've been doing for the past month, which is deliver electrical supplies to the job site from the off-site warehouse, using a company truck. I'm making a pickup from one of the foreman (forewoman?), and she started complaining to me that we haven't removed any of the spent wooden wire spools from the dock in a while, and we need to start doing it. So, trying to be a good apprentice, I follow her orders to remove a few spools, which are about 3 feet tall and weigh about 150 pounds or so. They're on a concrete pathway which is 4 1/2' off the ground and guarded by a rail, so the only way to get the spools down is to roll them down the stairs. I can't just push it down the stairs and let it roll out into construction traffic, so I have to guide it down by hand. And here is where I made a mistake. When I got to the last thump on the last stair, the spool decided it wanted to roll toward the hand rail, and in that motion my hand smashed between the spool and the metal railing. Pointer finger instantly goes numb, it actually didn't hurt at all. I'm thinking, cool, just hit a nerve, no damage. But then, as I load the spool in my truck, I see blood start to soak through my glove (yes I was wearing all required safety gear). I take off my glove and see a 1" flap of skin folded over near the end of the finger, and blood trickles down my hand. It's just the top layer, and definitely does not need stitches, but it's a good cut, and was exposed to all the sweat and dirt in my glove. The foreman/woman steps up and says "cut yourself?" I give the obvious reply "yeah". I asked her if I should report it. She grimaced and said, "naaaah... it looks fine."
So, I put my glove back on, mainly to contain the blood at this point, and hop in the truck and drive away to dump the spools. After this I'm leaving the job site, and I take off my gloves. Blood won't stop trickling down my hand and I have nothing buy my gloves to sop it up, and there is no first aid kit in the truck. I stop at the last intersection on the job site, and to my right is the exit, and straight ahead is the medical trailer. I think for a few moments, and decide that, being a brand new apprentice, I have no health insurance... I should probably have this cleaned up and at least documented.
The nurse in trailer cleans the wound, cuts away the now useless top layer of skin that's flopped over, wraps it up, and has be give a urine sample for a drug screening (surprise!). I'm clean though, so no worries. Seems a bit much for a cut though.
Fast forward to today; I do my usual thing this morning again, and make my first delivery of the day. When I get back to the off-site warehouse, my foreman comes up to me as soon as I exit the truck and says "You took a drug test on site yesterday when you cut your finger?" At first my heart sank, thinking I failed or something (I was a pot head years ago, so the fear of drug tests is stuck in my brain). I replied "Yeah, why?" "Well, they're sending you out for another one off-site. This whole thing is turning into a real mess." It turns out, the head foreman called him asking what happened. Now the safety team is requiring everyone at the off-site warehouse I work in to fill out pre-task plan sheets for everything we do, which is a huge pain in the ass. All because I cut my finger. I wasn't supposed to move the spools in the first place, but I was following directions from the foreman/woman. We're not supposed to roll them down the stairs, she was supposed to call for a machine to take them away. I fucked up by listening to my superiors.
This afternoon, while making a late delivery, 3 other foremen asked me if I needed a bandage. News in spreading fast. One guy told me "If you get a cut on your finger, don't report it. If you cut off your finger, don't report it." I'm getting very mixed messaged. I fucked up by listening to my superiors AND by following safety protocol. We were all told in safety orientation "if you get hurt, whether it's a scrape or a broken leg, report it. Get it cleaned up. Infections can put you out of work."
I think I'll have a nickname pretty soon. I can feel it coming.
And here's a link to what my finger looks like today:
http://imgur.com/oZXqz8q
PaperbagRider: Well, that's messed up. It's not like you could've known that you weren't supposed to move the spools, right?
thelastkevin: I must have missed the OSHA spool handling class.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1406828330 | 1406882279 | t3_2c99wu | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting Cat sh*t on my balls
So before I explain I did not have sex with a cat.
I have been training my cat to use the toilet with a litter tray placed above the toilet.
This has been going on for a few days from Sunday and he is not ready for it to be taken off so every time I go to the toilet I have to take it off.
Fast forward until this morning at about 5:30am I get up to go to the toilet and it is dark in there as there is no window and yup I sit in the litter tray Cat diarrhea all over my balls and ass.
Took a while to clean up not a good way to start the day.
werbo: Why are you training your cat to use the toilet? Do you think you are Robert De Niro?
[deleted]: Its actually surprisingly easy to do so. Its literally as easy as litter training. And you get the occasional laugh of seeing them fall in.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406843356 | 1406920670 | t3_2ca2sf | t5_2to41 | 18 | Kenziethefurry: TIFU By Playing League of Legends.
This happened last night, and I am somewhat disappointed in myself.
So, last night, playing some League, as usually...I receive two calls, I ignore them...
I call them back after my match...
It was my brother and mother, telling me my father was in the hospital, and was diagnosed with Cancer...
YAY...
Good Job League!
[deleted]: Playing league of legends in the first place is enough for a TIfU. My condolences to you and your family though. I really hope your dad makes it through this and you guys get back to living normally.
Kenziethefurry: Thank you, I appreciate it.
:)
[deleted]: No problem. And quit playing those shitty bait-click games. My advice to you, go pick up a Super Nintendo, a copy of Super Mario World, 2 controllers, and sit your dad's ass down right next to you and get some quality gaming in with him.
The memories you build now will either help him get through this, or (God forbid) give you something good to look back on if he doesn't.
r1243: Oh my god. I am so sorry you are getting downvotes for this advice from League kids. I play it to pass the time (plus I have lots of friends who play) and try to ignore the (I apologise to OP for this, but) cancerous mess that a good 70% of the community is. I would give it up in a heartbeat to get some sort of old console that I could play with someone, but those are very rare over here (ex-Soviet country, it's not very common to have a PS2, GameCubes are practically rarities, my first and only console is a Wii). If only I had a GameCube..
[deleted]: It's okay, I'm in the ex-soviet region as well. I have managed to start a collection. It's mostly newer stuff, but I've found some old Nintendo 64 goodies!
r1243: Oh, where exactly if you don't mind me asking?
[deleted]: I do mind, but thanks for asking. :)
r1243: Aw, alright. I'm Estonian, myself,
E: uhm.. not sure why this ever sent, as I started writing on my phone and then left the app alone. Oh well, guess I might as well leave it like that. :P
| 9 | 2 | |
1406843175 | 1406859560 | t3_2ca2gz | t5_2to41 | 8 | herovillainous: TIFU by trying to google a gaming term.
Short and not so sweet fuck up today.
So I play World of Warcraft on occasion, and there's a mount in the game called the "Depleted Kyparium Rocket", basically just a cool rocket you can ride around on. So I went to google how you go about getting this rocket. Unfortunately for me, Google has a nifty feature called "autocomplete" on their searches, and Google thought it would help me out a bit. As you can probably guess, Kyparium isn't the most common word, so as soon as I saw the result pop up (it was 3rd down) I scrolled down and clicked it. Too bad Google autocompleted as I scrolled, and I ended up googling "Depleted Uranium Babies" instead. GOOD GOD! Don't go google that unless you don't want to eat dinner tonight.
MrCandybar: I'm genuinely afraid to look it up, but I'm so curious, please someone who decided to look it up, tell me before I lose my mind
PosthistoricDino: Results I got were a Cyclops baby, babies with extra limbs, and a girl with a normal face. EXCEPT HER EYE WAS TRYING TO DETACH AND BECOME IT'S OWN BEING.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406841628 | 1406851102 | t3_2c9zlj | t5_2to41 | 41 | touchmyfuckingcoffee: TIFU by vacuuming my store
For those who don't already know, I manage a vacuum cleaner store and repair shop. I often times leave my carpeting dirty, so as to demo the vacuums on it. You gotta show 'em how well they work, somehow!
Well, it's been getting a little out of hand, of late, and with all of the foot traffic, it was overdue for cleaning. So, I busted out one of my lightweight vacs to get a quick vacuum over the shop.
All was going well until I got up to the front of my counter. It all happened so fast. I turned, and as soon as I pushed the vac forward, a tiny, baby [Mediterranean gecko](http://i.imgur.com/xyqbFUs.jpg) caught my eye, just as I was running him over.
The poor little thing..it couldn't have felt much, before the 5000 rpm impeller motor made mulch of him. At least it was a quick death.
If you need to find me, I'll be seeking penance.
**TL;DR: I murdered a baby gecko with a vacuum cleaner.**
VexingRaven: What the fuck kind of vacuum sends dirt THROUGH the impeller?
touchmyfuckingcoffee: All Kirby vacuums, a few Hoover, all Oreck uprights, a few Riccar uprights, Eureka/Sanitaire commercial vacuums.
It's not a common design, anymore. But, there are still several made.
VexingRaven: That sounds like a great way to make your vacuum have a horrible lifespan. Then again, I still have an old dirt devil handvac with similar design that still works great (aside from smelling like it's going to explode), so... *shrug*
touchmyfuckingcoffee: With this motor design, which is quite sealed, along with the miniscule size of the poor, unfortunate gecko, the odds of anything hurting the vacuum are nil. It's not recommended, but people suck small nails, screws, pins, etc. into these things, with usually no damage.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1406845910 | 1406853499 | t3_2ca739 | t5_2to41 | 72 | dickslips: TIFU by showing my girlfriend's brother my erect penis.
*This happened about a year ago.*
My gf's grandpa passed and I planed on staying at her parent's place for a while to console her (i.e sexy time). At the same time this whole thing is going on, I had gotten a new laptop; and with all new things that have camera capability, I take some obligatory cock shots. I finish up, close the lid and get into the day-to-day not giving it a second thought.
Later in the day, I head to her parent's place, laptop/all other belongings in hand. She's at work, so I put all my stuff in her room upstairs... except my laptop. I throw that on the table and head to the kitchen to raid the fridge--family's of the deceased always have a shit-ton of delicious food. While I'm making some Mac'n'Cheese, she and her brother come home.
She's terribly et up about the death of her grandfather--as well she should be. Trying to change the subject, I mention my laptop.
"Babe, check out my new toy!"
I boot it up and wait as she wipes tears from her eyes with the back of her sleeve. At this time, her 13-year-old brother comes down the stairs and (as a techy) is extremely enthralled with my laptop. Windows 8 pops up, and I put in my password... that's where I fucked up. Returning all three of our gazes is a picture of butt naked me, lying on my back nursing a huge boner and playing with my balls. Neither of them is OK with it still to this day.
TL;DR:
I took some racy photos of myself, forgot about them, and ended up showing them to my gf and her 13-year-old brother.
BornToBeSam: You're kind of an asshole for "consoling" your girlfriend just for sex.
Bob2456: And "family's of the deceased always have a shit-ton of delicious food"
Just not coming off as the most sensitive guy.
| 3 | 24 | |
1406845781 | 1407253036 | t3_2ca6uz | t5_2to41 | 242 | ChollyChester: TIFU by getting too friendly with our cat.
First things first, this happened about ten years ago and I tried my best to supress it so the details are a bit fuzzy.
My mom had cats for as long as I can remember and I always really loved them. Back when I was 14 and still living with her I had a loft bed (not sure about the translation, basically a bunk bed without the bed underneath if that makes sense). So one day I was lying in my bed can't remember what exactly I was doing and one of our cats was there with me, he often slept in my bed over night too. As I was petting him I noticed that he always started licking my finger whenever I pointed it to his face. So my 14 year old mind started wondering if he would lick other things too...
It didn't take long before I pulled down my pants and boxers and presented him my dick (I don't think there's a delicate way of putting it) and sure enough, he licked the tip. I vaguely remember it feeling not that good (it tickled more) but still I, not even having really kissed a girl by that point, started getting into it. After a minute or I asked "Do you like that?" in a seductive voice and suddenly I heard something from behind, I was lying with my back to the door (because the cat was by the wall so I had no other choice really) and thought I was home alone, my heart skipped a beat and I slowly turned my head to see over my shoulders. My heart skipped another one as I realised that my door was open the whole time.
Then I saw my stepdad just standing there, our eyes made contact for a split second (I will never forget his look, a mix of confusion, disgust and uncomfortableness) and he just walked away. I put away my *stuff* and sat in my room for half an hour in total silence until I finally was able to go outside.
My stepdad left the apartement by that point and we never exchanged even a single word about it.
**TL;DR**: Made my cat lick my dick and my stepdad saw me.
Teotwawki69: Are either you or the cat named Colby?
ChollyChester: Not that I'm aware of.
Sundeo: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/s1o90/i_think_my_teenage_son_may_have_sodomized_our_dog/
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/yc7zo/update_i_am_the_father_and_redditor_whose_teenage/
ForeignMaterials: That was an awkward read, but the father should have sent him to a therapist specializing in sex and deviant philias. That would have helped him learn how to not act on his feelings.
01-559-2620: You read both articles right? The one where his wife also didnt believe him because his son said it never happened and then his wife thinking it was instead the dad fucking the dog? How his Wife then divorced him? And hopefully you are also aware that 1 parent cant send their kid to a therapist if the other does not agree to it either. Etc Etc so dont start with the "the father should have this or that"... i think he had enough to deal with in that situation and did the best he could.
Zecriss: Well, while I can't blame him for doing it the way he did, looking back on it with the 20/20 vision that comes with retrospection, he *definitely* should have recorded some of that conversation with his son or taken a picture of the web history or something. Also, he made no mention in the first post that he was used to his "wife being a bitch" to him. That might have been semi-useful insight to the commenters from whom he was seeking advice.
01-559-2620: I wasnt judging you ;)
Zecriss: I'm not ForeignMaterials ;P
01-559-2620: Im not even honoring him with a reply.
Zecriss: You just did -.-
01-559-2620: I replied to you.
| 12 | 20.166667 | |
1406846981 | 1406897233 | t3_2ca8vq | t5_2to41 | 104 | GWAPES07: TIFU by playing too much Skyrim
So this actually happened a few nights ago, but whatever.
So I was staying up super late the night before the incident playing tons of Skyrim (I just got it and am obsessed) and ended staying up until 2:45 AM. For me, that's way later than I *should* be staying up given that I leave the house for work every day at 7:00. I usually go to bed at 9 and get about 9 hours of sleep, but I just couldn't resist playing Skyrim.
Anyway, I wake up at 6 like usual, and am obviously incredibly tired. Like, I'm stumbling around the house because of my lack of sleep the previous night. I just think to myself that I'll feel better later, and get myself dressed.
I should probably mention that every morning I make myself a breakfast burrito (gotta love them burritos) and browse Reddit until I have to go.
So I get myself dressed, but me being as tired as I was, I enter the passcode on my phone (5224) and browse Reddit for about ten minutes until I realize what I am doing. I then trudge downstairs and grab a burrito out of the freezer and pop it into the microwave, enter the time in (which at this point has just become second nature to me so I don't really think about it when I do it) and hit start.
I was originally going to browse Reddit like I do every morning, but instead, I decided to set an alarm on my phone for 6:45 (it was like 6:15 at the time) and just figure I'll wolf down my burrito. So I lay down, go to sleep, and wait for the alarm to go off.
When I'm napping, I have a dream that I'm sitting at home, and I hear a siren (imagine one that would sound during World War II to signal an enemy bombing raid) and I had to run inside and take cover. Honestly a terrifying dream, and as you can see, I don't really have that crazy of dreams. Anyway, after dreaming about the siren for a while, I start to drift back into the realm of consciousness.
It is then that I realize that that wasn't a bombing raid siren I was dreaming about... *That was my alarm*.
I repeatedly mutter phrases like "oh shit" and "oh my fucking god" t myself as I scramble off the couch and into my shoes, when I forget about the burrito. I look at the clock. 7:56. *Shit* I think to myself, *the burrito's probably cold!* (I know, priorities...)
I walk over to the microwave to grab the burrito and eat it cold because I'm out of time, when I see the entire inside of the microwave, including the burrito, blackened.
I'm trying to figure out what *possibly* could have happened, while standing there dumbstruck, when I realize that I was so tired I accidentally entered my phone's passcode (5224) instead of the time on the microwave.
I cooked it for approximately 90 minutes.
TL;DR: Slept through an alarm, cooked a burrito for about 90 minutes.
altech6983: I am just curious, how is 5224 about 90 minutes on your microwave?
Wouldn't it be 52 minutes and 24 seconds (at least that is how I remember my microwave working)?
Wolfenstyn: 5224 seconds.
Wolfenstyn: There's an old microwave where I work that's entirely second-based. Doesn't even display time, idle display is just flashing 00:00. Assumed similar items.
Frappo: I thought 00:00 flashing means the clock is not set.
Then again, I'm basing this tid bit of info on a vcr my family had..
Wolfenstyn: Let's all settle on op over cooked his shit lol
| 6 | 17.333333 | |
1406847656 | 1406850099 | t3_2ca9ye | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping in too long and missing the most important email of my life.
I have been trying to get into medical school for the last two years. There have been ups and downs, but everything was looking good when I was waitlisted at one of my top schools. This morning a spot opened up. Instead of contacting us individually, they decide to send out a mass email and say the first person to call in gets the spot. I will still snoring when the chance of a life time slipped through my fingers.
[http://imgur.com/B1UvSNW](http://imgur.com/B1UvSNW)
ptrix: That's a pretty fucked-up admissions procedure...
[deleted]: No kidding. Not everyone would even receive the e-mails at the same time.
| 3 | 9 | |
1406848588 | 1406967210 | t3_2cabfp | t5_2to41 | 17 | EpicBot: TIFU, Broke Leg, Drunk Police Escort
Sorry for any typos, I'm trying to write this on my phone.
So Today, 31 July. I totally fucked up.
Lets start at the beginning. Me and 4 friends went camping together on this big campsite in the Costa Brava(Spain).
I have been to this camp site like 8/9 times with my parents so I know my way around the camp site.
The camp site is split in multiple zones. Every zone has its own public washroom. All those washrooms are the same, only orientated in a different direction.
The zone I used to go to was completely full, so we decided to goto a other zone.
In this zone the public washroom the man and the woman's side are flipped. So I walked in browsing reddit on my phone just before rush out. Surprisingly there was nobody there. So I got undressed, took a quick dive in the cold water pool, and entered a shower cabine. The shower cabins got door where you cab only watch from inside to outside.
So after I'm done, I'm about to leave the shower cabine, I realise I'm in the wrong site, and there are a couple of (naked)woman waiting on the other site for a shower cabin to free up. So I panic, I can't go back now, there is on the other side of the showr cabine a 10cm high gab between the roof, and the wall.(for the steam to go). So I call my friends and they come to catch me. I crawl/clime trough the gap, and my frieda are there to catch me. They span a piece of ground plastic, the stuff you place your tent up. The jump itself was about 5/6 Meter. So I jump.
The ground plastic worked really great untill it ripped and one of my legs got trough it hitting the concrete.
I feel a giant pain, and when I look down there was a piece of bone sticking put of me leg.
So one of my friends decides we need to go to the hospital and he's going to drive us. (I have no clue why we didn't call 112(EU version of 911))
My friend is driving, while having drunk 5 or 6 beers, where he is allowed to have drunk 0. So he's speeding, we get pulled over by a cop.
This cop spoke surprisingly good english! My friend tells the cop we need to go to the hospital, but the cop didn't believe him, and wanted him to do a alcohol test. At this point I show the cop the bone sticking out of my leg. He freaks out, and after some chatting on the radio he's giving us a police escort to the hopital. My friend just needs to keep driving behind them.
So at the hospital. They take some X-rays, and give me some pain killers. They figure out its only a little bit of my bone that broke of and penetrated my skin. they removed it and disinfected the wound. I need to stay for the night, and if everything is going well I can go back.
Luckily I didn't fracture my bone(just a little peace that came off), and I can walk on it without pain!
Best off all, all covered by my basic student insurrence, all I have to pay is the 100€ own risk.
TL;DR:
Fractured a small part of my leg, drunk friend drove me to the hospital, got a police escort on the way.
I'm going to sleep now, will post update tomorrow.
Edit:fixed a typo and a brain fart.
Teotwawki69: Este mes es julio, no es setiembre...
EpicBot: I don't speak spanish, but I meant July.
Teotwawki69: I figured you did, and July is the seventh month, but "sept" is the prefix for seventh in Greek, and that covers a whole lot of native languages.
But, just out of curiosity... which language is your first?
EpicBot: Dutch
Teotwawki69: Then all is forgiven... :)
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1406849482 | 1406851956 | t3_2cacuj | t5_2to41 | 3 | im-really-honest: TIFU...by being stupid.
PluckyWren: Wait, are you speaking for the entire state of North Carolina? Clarify, please.
Alphabeta4: I'm pretty sure he meant Georgia.
PluckyWren: Alabama? Seems right.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406849732 | 1406851206 | t3_2cad7w | t5_2to41 | 9 | rachael_bee: TIFU by trusting a friend
My friend and I booked a trip to california, starting first in LA and ending in San Fran. He had a high paying job, while I had a crap minimum wage part timer. He offered to pay for everything, and I agreed as I had basically let him live off my couch for weeks. Leading up to the trip he gets fired, but is able to find a 16$ an hour 40 hours a week job within 2 weeks. And then he walks out on that job because he feels mistreated. He then gets a new job that seems perfect. And he tells me he has all the money, so I go off to Florida with my family.
The night before I leave for LA, my friend texts me telling me that he left the country with only a small amount of cash (not even enough for 5 nights in a hostel) and he expected to get the rest from people he lent money to, but they didn't deliver. I figure I have 150 dollars I can give him for our hostel because he gets paid on the 31st, and he'll get me back.
The 31st rolls up, and I have to pay more money on the hostel because he never got paid. He gets an email stating that they are withholding it due to his impending termination. Apparently he forgot to confirm with them, and apparently his work doesn't post schedules so there was no way to find out if his vacation went through. He then calls in sick 2 days before because he feels like he's getting bronchitis. His phone isn't in service either, so even if they called him to get his butt to work he wouldn't have gotten it. So they fired him on abandonment. And they can only mail his pay check to his house but it will take 3-5 days.
I have spent my money on him, on his food, on his hostel, on fucking everything. I had a safety net for myself that is now gone because I felt like I couldn't abandon him. But I have had enough. It was my fault for trusting in someone who can't pull himself together...but I will be flying home tomorrow, and he will be stuck here until his pay is cashed or the consulate gets him home.
UPDATE: my family is not willing to pay to get me home, and the only person who had a chance of getting me home isn't picking up her phone, or checking her email. My friend is also now treating me like absolute shit, and acting as if I owe it to him to pay for his food when I only have enough money to care for me. I have some money for a hostel, but again only for myself. I don't want to be around him, but I can't just leave him on the street.
disturbed434: Damn, dude. I remember knowing a lot of these types of people in high school and even in middle/elementary school. These types of people used to come up to me and ask me for money for food because their parents refused to give them money (or maybe they did and the kid spends them on other crap instead of food) and once you gave them money once to be nice, they come back for more and they start to rely on you because they *know* you'll have money again for them. This turns into an everyday thing and in order to stop it, you just have to say no. These kids also sometimes make promises to pay back or do something in return but they never deliver.
Of course this is a much smaller scale, but same rules apply-- except that your friend is an adult and in my story they were kids (which provides more of an emphasis on how bad this situation is).
Just tell him to get his shit together and move on. I don't know how anyone can live off someone else and be ungrateful. I know how it feels to leave someone on their own and it is something that has to be done since it only feeds their poison.
rachael_bee: yeah. I've been on the phone calling everyone and figuring it out, and he's sobbing in bed. He won't get out. I told him he needs to get over it, it's done, new plan, and he told me to fuck off. I lost my temper and told him he is unreliable, but he lost it and went on and on about how this proves him to be reliable. I get that he also just lost a job, but I know not to call in sick the first week of work, and I know to double triple quadruple check that I have it off and the schedule has me off. I would have asked if they had a posted schedule for those dates. I would have talked about the trip endlessly to make sure they knew about it for SURE.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406850163 | 1406909826 | t3_2cadus | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by crashing my bike in front of 30 people.
So I go biking every day except Wednesday at different place around town and yesterday happened to be the day where I go to my high school since it is a relatively hilly area and my friends in band have sectionals that day.
I show up to the highschool and unload my bike off the rack, locking the car as I did so. I decide before heading out to talk with some of my friends to see if anything new had happened recently. However after doing so I noticed that there was a lack of weight in my pocket. Upon closer inspection I discovered I had locked myself out of the car......
No big deal right? I can just call my sister and have her bring by some keys later. I decide to start biking around. I loop back to the highschool about 10 minutes later to go to the bathroom and park myself on the loading dock by the band room. After coming out I notice that there is a 1 foot drop directly ahead of me that I could ride off of to save like 10 seconds of riding rather than turning around and going down the ramp.
So, in a moment of stupidity I think "I can make that drop!"
About ten seconds later I'm on the ground laughing at my stupidity and I hear about 15 people laughing along with me. Turns out the trumpet section was outside practicing basics and had seen the whole thing. Three of them rush over to see if i was ok and after having a laugh I decide to ride on. However before I can leave the parking lot I hear them all yelling at me again. Turns out I had a 4 inch gash on my right leg and due to my HPT I didn't feel a thing. I clean it up and decide discover that I'm the only person with bandages. The problem is, they are in my car....
Fuck it, I'm just gonna ride since the bleeding stopped and I want to get SOMETHING done today. After going about half a mile I mistakenly shift my hand and end up changing gears. After trying to shift gears several more times I find that my back gear shift is busted due to the crash and I had shifted it into a super shitty gear that I honestly was in no way going to ride in.
So, I go back to the highschool and wait the next hour for my sister to bring me the key and then head home.
But because this day hadn't been bad enough, as I get out of the car at my house, I stand up too close to the door and I now have a two inch cut on my back.
Today was a good day.
Note: This was written yesterday.
TLDR; Locked my keys in, Crashed my bike, cut my leg and back, and fucked my gears.
Teotwawki69: HPT?
Arteza147: High Pain Tolerance
Teotwawki69: Thanks! Does that mean I could kick you full on in the nuts and you wouldn't notice?
Arteza147: Not exactly
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1406851302 | 1406923508 | t3_2cafn3 | t5_2to41 | 75 | Paradoxical_Cat: TIFU by hipchecking a glass door [NSFW]
It's not even a complicated fuck-up. I thought it would be a good idea to try to unstick a stuck door by bashing it with the side of my body and it wasn't.
Now I have an inch long, super-deep [gash in my ass](http://i.imgur.com/tnkEIib.jpg?1).
MennyC123: You have a very nice ass. Too bad about the door though
IAMtheliquorRand: Seconded!
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: Seconded again.
Tipsly: Seconded again again
42rw3: Seconded seconded again again
TheTrueDuckieKing: Thirddddededddd?
| 7 | 10.714286 | |
1406853031 | 1407783293 | t3_2caiba | t5_2to41 | 900 | the_dinks: TIFU by banning like, 30 people under the wrong rule.
Basically, if you were confused by the fact that you were banned for writing an "unoriginal and non-noteworthy post," don't worry. You were actually banned for rule **4**, which is "be civil." So, yeah, I fucked that one up.
Please remember to be nicer in the future.
bodom2245: Also, please continue to report any comments/posts you find offensive, that way we can take the necessary action as quickly as possible.
agentlame: Gonna jump on this mod train with two additions:
* If you're reporting a post and it's not **strikingly** obvious why you're reporting it, please consider also sending a mod mail. Since reports have no context, it can be hard to tell why something was reported.
* Please keep in mind that 'report' is not a downvote button. Please don't report posts simply because you don't like them. The post should be violationg one of the sidebar rules or [reddit's rules](http://reddit.com/rules).
ThisIsMyFloor: If you are unsure click on the context link and the context will appear!
agentlame: That's not what I meant by 'context'. I mean that when people report things they just show as being reported. So if someone reported a post that doesn't seem to break any rules, we have no idea why they reported it.
ThisIsMyFloor: And to figure it out you can click on context and read about the context...
agentlame: I think you should re-read what I said. Maybe try replacing the world 'context' with 'reason'?
ThisIsMyFloor: You often can see the reason by clicking on context is what I am saying. Then you see the post and the commentchain.
agentlame: Ok, I'll try one more time. I have been on reddit for five years, I know about the context button.
What I'm saying has nothing to do with the 'context' surrounding a reported item. For a post it wouldn't even matter.
I'm talking about a the fact that reports don't have *reasons*. So if someone were to report your comment in this exchange, the context it was made in wouldn't be any help. I would have no idea *why* they felt it breaks a rule.
ThisIsMyFloor: You would have an idea because you know the rules...
agentlame: OK, you're clearly trolling. Let's end this here.
_dexter: Surprised it took you so long to realize the was trolling.
agentlame: Well the dude is a mod of /r/videos, so I wasn't sure if he was kidding or something... I'm still not.
_dexter: ಠ_ಠ
| 14 | 64.285714 | |
1406854206 | 1406858805 | t3_2cak19 | t5_2to41 | 21 | stoopidfuture: TIFU by sleeping with my dog...
Get your minds out of the gutter!
Last night I let my dog sleep in my bed, and this morning woke up with a gnarly case of poison ivy all over my arms. so HEED MY WARNING: if you live in a rural area where poison ivy is common, and you have a pet, you should know that the oils from the plant can coat an animals' fur and transfer very easily to you or your sheets. and that won't end well for you. trust me.
Anonthius: I still think you fucked your dog.
6romperstomper9: Doggystyle?
Anonthius: Human style
6romperstomper9: Gave the dog a bone?
| 5 | 4.2 | |
1406855321 | 1406935313 | t3_2calnt | t5_2to41 | 164 | [deleted]: TIFU by unknowingly rejecting a hot guy
Let me preface this post by saying I'm really socially inept, awkward and may have a touch of aspergers.
So I'm at the gym the other day and some hot dude comes up to me and starts talking to me. We talk for 15 minutes while resting in between sets and I tell him how I'm going to school and about the new job I just started. He tells me his aunt has a job in the field I'm currently studying so he could talk to her for me about how she did it. He hands me his phone and tells me to put in my # and email. I push his phone away, shake my head and tell him I already know what to do to get a job in my field. He looks caught off guard and then wishes me good luck with everything.
I didn't think much of it so I casually mention this interaction to my friends at dinner. I say, "can you believe this dude thinks I'm too dumb to figure out how to be successful in my field?" Their jaws drop and they tell me you. fucking. idiot. He was hitting on you! He doesn't give a fuck about your career.
Whoops. Forever alone.
Hamatitio: We men are not complicated creatures.
When next you meet, say hey, call me sometime. And hand him your number. Feel free to send me a wedding invitation.
[deleted]: wow what's with the misandry bro someone alert the MRAs
edit: wow thanks for the downvotes misandrists. THIS is why we need mens rights. -.-
aido727: > misandrist
Look up the definition of the word before commenting again.
[deleted]: gtfo feminazi
aido727: Please, I'd be in line to shut those kinds of people up myself.
Saying men aren't complicated creatures is NOT the same as man hating. Especially in the somewhat humourous and obviously well meaning manner in which actual advice was then offered featuring that stereotypical observation.
[deleted]: lmao I was being sarcastic but I guess it didn't work
telepaper: Usually, sarcasm in that kind of situation is funny.
You just sound like a giant arsehole right now.
[deleted]: check ur self fuccboi thats how u mras sound
| 9 | 18.222222 | |
1406855612 | 1406856271 | t3_2cam3d | t5_2to41 | 3 | PhoneKeys: TIFU by posting this post
Vyndro: I hope you don't get banned
PhoneKeys: Shut the fuck up you sarcastic piece of kahkee.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406856512 | 1406860049 | t3_2cangk | t5_2to41 | 5 | mkstar93: TIFU by cracking my neck too far.
As a typical reddit/pc gamer i spend a lot of time on my computer. Sitting for long periods of time leads to neck cramps so i usually grab my neck and twist it down for those lovely cracks of relief. Today was no different unfortunately for me i seemed to have cracked my neck too far down and immediately i knew something was wrong. I could barely move my head without stabs of pain inflicting me so i sat there for a few minutes trying my best not to move. After a while the pain died down but now i cannot move my neck too far or the pain returns. I decided to take a look in a mirror and i realized that my neck was.. wrong. It was leaning to the side that i cracked my neck and my my shoulders were uneven. I figured it was just a muscle sprain and didnt think much of it but now i am contemplating taking a visit to the hospital...
If this has happened to anyone else i would love to hear how it went for you. I did a bit of googling and i saw someone say i have to crack it back in the opposite direction. Unfortunately it hurts too much to even attempt that.
tew567: This happened to me like 5 years ago!!! My head stayed at an awkward angle for about 4 days, each day getting closer to normal. DO NOT PUSH IT BACK TO NORMAL OR CRACK THE OTHER SIDE. My grandma had to take care of me, I just took a lot of aleeve, and got a warming pad and warmed it for 15 min on and then 15 off, and did that for so long. Get a pillow and prop up your head and let the muscles relax. It's most likely the muscles just tightening up real bad, or a small tear. It will take about a week to feel normal, just heat, take meds and leave it alone
mkstar93: Thanks! I figured it would just fuck up my neck even more because pain is almost always a sign that somethings wrong. Yea the right side of my neck is really stiff and i can feel the muscles tight so ill give that a go.
MrCandybar: > because pain is almost always a sign that somethings wrong.
Words to live by!
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406857546 | 1406887196 | t3_2cap06 | t5_2to41 | 35 | trampabroad: TIFU by making a kitty pancake
So three months ago our friend had kittens and we adopted a pair.
The cats were super cute and a great way to meet girls. But they were a bit bored inside, so we started letting them out onto our (6th floor) balcony to play with the plants. Sometimes they'd run over to the neighbor's balcony, which is attached to ours. All of this was very cute and adorable and it was good.
Yesterday I came home from work and there was only one cat. "Huh," I said. "Must be visiting the neighbors." There are ledges all around our building, so it's possible for the cats to climb into pretty much any building on our floor, and we knew the cats were popular with the neighbors.
At around 6-7 I got worried and wandered around the garden behind the building. No kitty corpses, so I figured it was okay. Left the balcony door open.
At midnight or so the flatmate comes home and yells "I found the cat!" He'd been hiding in a bush somewhere downstairs. He was limping and very bruised/swollen with blood around his mouth and nose. Now Flatmate is taking him to the vet. If he lives, we're going to call him Bran.
TL;DR We are terrible kitty parents.
UPDATE! So after last weekend, I could just tell you what happened. But it wouldn't be reddit without pictures, would it?
The flatmate brought Sebastian to the vet. (the other one is Belle, and flatmate refuses to call him Bran or Pancake or Brancake). Sex-ray showed a slightly messed up paw bone which may leave him with a limp. Internal organ damage was also feared, so I spent the weekend staying home and checking that he was pooing and peeing properly. All windows were closed, and pee and poo were satisfactory.
Here is the weekend, in summary:
I know I really shouldn't let him try my breakfast. But just couldn't [help it!](http://imgur.com/9vGb8Eh,gATlQFq,M8GQIQd,DuGTkZi,M6dBZ6i#0)
You miss playing in the plants? [Fine, I'll grab you a plant off the balcony](http://imgur.com/9vGb8Eh,gATlQFq,M8GQIQd,DuGTkZi,M6dBZ6i#3)
I noticed you have trouble grooming lately.[Let me lick that for you](http://imgur.com/9vGb8Eh,gATlQFq,M8GQIQd,DuGTkZi,M6dBZ6i#4)
Okay, I'll let you [spoon with me](http://imgur.com/9vGb8Eh,gATlQFq,M8GQIQd,DuGTkZi,M6dBZ6i#1)
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thorium007: RemindMe! 24 hours "Check on kitty" I gotta know!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1406858889 | 1406990725 | t3_2car2n | t5_2to41 | 12 | sayheytothebadguy: TIFU by putting my asshole directly on my brother's face....maybe NSFW
So this story starts out like every good TIFU, it was about ten years ago (i was 15ish....) so any guy that grows up with a brother knows that pranks are life...sometimes they are nasty...sometimes homoerotic...sometimes both. Basically we had a phase where we would do nasty horrible things to each othetvwhile sleeping, trying not to wake each other up. Best thing to was something horrible and you take a picture and they never know it happened...
Until days later and you showed evidence.
So my brother had gotten particularly henious and used a catturd (yes you read it right) and more or less used it as lip gloss on my poor innocent sleeping self and had recently produced the proof to me. I had to get him back, thought for day...finally got the idea I would straddle him, cup my boys and squat while spreading my cheeks so he would infact kiss my asshole (again you read that right...and everyone knows that in the name of a laugh, nothing is gay).
Opportunity finally arrives and im in position and almost fully squating down, took a while because as i said the objective is to not wake him. When to my horror i hear the doorknob kinda flutter (you know the sound). This noise caused me to fumble the ball, brother woke up in that confused daze. And as he wakes and realizes and grabs me(kinda hip/ass area) who is there? Who see's my brother tossing my salad? Jenny from da block (not her real name obviously) who had been blowing me consistently for months....she freaks out, squeels and leaves asap, brother throws me off while in assed out balls hanging. Never could convince her we weren't caught in the midst of a taboo love fest, which even if i could make her believe it was a joke she probably would have thrown in the towel
Edit: sorry about wall and formatting, on a phone...as a side note why is submitting stuff mobile as hard as being butt raped?
g0ldbar: E. P. I. C.
sayheytothebadguy: If your into cheap thrills and have a brother i highly suggest this game....can getway out of hand really quick if you are like us though
g0ldbar: Tried the impossible situp... Sadly he already knew about it. If you haven't heard let me know and ill inform you.
sayheytothebadguy: Pretty sure its what we call the atomic situp....youtube atomic situp + hello darkness....mans nose completely penetrates an asshole
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1406860689 | 1406986228 | t3_2cattr | t5_2to41 | 3 | MyOtherAccountIsA2JZ: TIFU by shutting a TJ Max down for 3 hours.
This happened about 36 hours ago, I was helping my dad out by going to do a site survey while he was out of town. Well I have never done this kind of thing to say the least, the first thing to do was replace the batteries in the UPS(battery back up) okay so I did just that, although I was not aware of how to remove the cover to get to the batteries, I took each and every panel off of the UPS. That leading to when I was screwing the panels back on, I had put the side panel on first, there was a screw in the back left, as I was screwing it in my arm was laying over the uncovered top, the room was pretty warm so I was sweating and when I laid my across it touched the motherboard in the UPS, as soon as I made contact it blew up, literally blew up I tell ya. This leading to wiping the entire store down for a strong 3 hours. The news was delivered to me that I, 100 percent fried the UPS, I will have a hefty bill waiting for me this upcoming week.
elbuscador242: ...wait so you got blown up and somebody wants to make you pay for the thing that blew you up?
MyOtherAccountIsA2JZ: Well it's the fact that I took the covers off.
elbuscador242: I'm still confused... So are we talking online "customer service" survey, or a property survey like to map out the lot? Either way somebody asked you to perform a task without making sure you knew how (not your fuck-up).
MyOtherAccountIsA2JZ: Oh it was an already built TJ Max. I mean yeah I had no idea what I was doing. Also, I was mapping out the place to see what kind of equipment it had.
elbuscador242: Wow if it were me, I'd tell whoever that my lawyer told me not to pay one penny...
| 6 | 0.5 | |
1406861679 | 1406862229 | t3_2cavef | t5_2to41 | 11 | GrandpaSpud: TIFU by soiling myself
One night a friend and I went out for drinks in the town I work in and by night's end had had about 6 each (this is over the course of about 4 hours so we weren't drunk). We decided to head back to my house which is 50 minutes away and have a little slumber party.
Uh oh 1) one of my headlights had gone out two days prior. I was a little lazy and hadn't gotten it fixed. Uh oh 2) my registration was expired because I paid just a little too late. I owed $10 to the DMV. This I legit did not know.
So I'm literally able to see my house when I get pulled over. I immediately start preparing my cop speech. I've been pulled over so many times I almost have it down to a science. I'm always completely honest, polite, and respectful. Unfortunately that doesn't go so far when you're driving an unregistered vehicle. It also doesn't go very far when the cop you're dealing with just so happens to be an emotionless piece of cement.
After he comes back with my info he informs me that my car is unregistered. I knew right away he was going to tow it the 300 feet to my house. He tells me to sit tight, and to "not get out of the car for any reason". Yes sir!
Uh oh 3) I have to pee.
I don't know if any of you have had the displeasure of having to pee so bad you can feel your genitals pulsating but I can assure you... it's painful. 5 minutes goes by... then 10... I was squirming around like a newborn, gripping the steering wheel harder than I grip my penis. I started waving frantically out the window and some other cop comes up to the window, slightly confused. I express my situation as politely as possible and he tells me he'll see what he can do.
I wait another 5 minutes, and then put my hand out the window again. This time, no response. Unfortunately my squirmy little body couldn't take it any longer and I peed my pants. More appropriately I peed my ass; there was no stain on the front of my pants. At one point I farted and it made this awesome bubbly-splashy sound. I laughed, then got sad again because I remembered I had just soiled myself.
Finally the first cop comes up and before he can say anything I straight up tell him "Officer I'm sorry but I pissed myself" to which he replies "Why'd you have to go so bad?". What an asshole. I say "With all due respect I let your partner know and he said he would help. I had a few beers tonight and really needed to pee. You also told me not to get out of the car.". Then I proceed to tell him about the prescription drugs in the car, so this asshole uses that as probable cause to search my vehicle.
The piece de resistance? This guy has to come back and pat me down.
tl;dr had a few drinks, got pulled over, pissed my pants.
NorthBlizzard: So you told him you were DUI and he didn't care?
[deleted]: He didn't say he was over the limit?
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406861728 | 1406867497 | t3_2cavh2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | blindsailor: TIFU got punched out
I_Like_Stuff59: I don't understand
coveritwithgas: Picture Rodney Dangerfield saying it.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406862071 | 1406866586 | t3_2cavzi | t5_2to41 | 8 | Memithezombiekiller: TIFU by taking my kids to see "Bodyworlds: the Animal Inside Out"
I thought my kids (3 and 6) might enjoy this exhibit, and that it would be educational, and I got free tickets (otherwise they cost $17 each).
Boy was I ever wrong.
We get in there and start looking at the exhibits, stuffed dead animals showing the veins and muscles, etc.
My son:
"That dog doesn't have any fur."
"That horse doesn't have any skin."
"Something is wrong with these animals."
"They're dead, aren't they?! All the animals are DEAD! THEY'RE DEAD! Who killed them? WHY??"
We had to leave because he was getting hysterical.
He later told his friends and teachers at daycare that I took him to see a bunch of dead animals and it made him sad.
I'm a terrible mother.
PetiteMortar: No it just sounds like your kid doesn't get art.
MrMayate: Her children are 3 and 6. I do not think children that young know how to be pretentious yet.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406864465 | 1406888088 | t3_2cazio | t5_2to41 | 45 | NoThisIsPatrick-: TIFU by not paying attention at the urinal.
So I'm at work (a pharmacy) today, my coworker steps out for a minute as I realize I really gotta take a piss however someone has to be in the pharmacy at all times to make sure we don't get robbed. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, finally she gets back; I sprint to the bathroom and make it just in time. Victory.
So as I'm standing there unleashing a blastoise level stream I decide to check my texts. As I pull my phone with my right hand out it slips. I painc. Its heading straight down into a piss filled abyss. I reach out. Its falling in slow motion now, my left hand some how catches up. I grab my phone an inch from despair. Victory.
I finish my piss zip up and turn around to see pure shock. An elderly man is staring at my piss soaked right leg. Its hen I realize to catch my phone lefty I had left my junk unattended. It had snapped back and with the fury of a couple super soakers and soaked my pants. The old man just turned and walked back out. I went home early to drink away to embarrassment and refuel the beast that defeated me. Defeat
Tl;dr: don't text and operate a urinal. Old man saw me piss myself.
[deleted]: Your only fuckup here was not owning up to your mistake and going back to work after a shower and a clean pair of pants. You could've come out of this looking like a badass, but instead you merely looked average.
NoThisIsPatrick-: To be fair I only had half an hour of work left and it was super slow today... I'm also pissing on yourself then cleaning it up doesn't make you a badass...
[deleted]: Nope, and neither does using your smartphone while you piss. Not does it make you intelligent, but owning up to it and learning from it definitely makes you respectable. 30 minutes left in the day isn't much left and I totally get that, but you shouldn't be embarrassed. Accidents happen.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1406864581 | 1406869018 | t3_2cazpk | t5_2to41 | 17 | J09Lynn: TIFU by accidentally flashing a table of cops
I work evenings at a cafe near the cop station and one night I changed in the back room where there are no mirrors. Before I left the cafe I stoped at the cops table to say goodnight and I noticed they were giving me strange looks but I didnt think anything of it.
I left and moments later I looked down and noticed the the zipper on the front of my shirt had caught on the frills exposing everything. Luckily I was wearing a cute bra.
TheGhostfaceKza: How long until someone asks for a picture?
CXDFlames: I'll do it!
OP, please share a picture of the cops?
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1406863007 | 1406907189 | t3_2caxbp | t5_2to41 | 11 | IDontLookLikeATurtle: TIFU by putting Hydrogen Peroxide in my eye
This happened 2 nights ago.
I decided to spend the night at a friends house after a bonfire. We just chilled for a while and watched some Breaking Bad before deciding to go to bed, nothing too extreme. I asked if he had an extra contact case and solution and he said it was in the contact case was in the drawer and the solution was by the sink. So I grabbed the contact case and took out my contacts.
This is where I fucked up.
I was too lazy to turn on the lights of the bathroom, so the only light I had was some coming from another room across the bathroom. Me, being almost blind and having little light, decides to grab the closest solution looking bottle and put the solution into the case and then went to sleep.
Fast forward 10 hours. I go to put on my contacts. What I didn't realize is that instead of using his normal contact solution I used his contact cleaning solution with 3% Hydrogen Peroxide that was only supposed to be used in a certain way. Right as I put in my contact into my right eye I felt one of the worse pain in my life. It felt like someone just shoved a freshly microwaved hot pocket into my eye. I immediately collapsed to the ground from pain. So here I am laying on my friend's bathroom, shirtless basically crying and rolling around trying to get my contact from hell out of my eye. My friend knocks on the door asking if I'm o.k but I can't speak because my eye hurts too much. When I finally get the contact out my eye is completely red and it looks like I'm balling out my right eye because it is watering so much.
So then because I'm a dumb ass, I proceed put a tiny bit of normal contact solution in my left contact to wash it out, thinking it would remove all of the death solution, and proceed to put that contact in my left eye to see if it would be fine. The first half second felt normal until the burning slowly started coming. In my mind I thought maybe I could get used to the burning since it wasn't nearly as bad as my right eye. After about 8 second it starts to really burn so I'm panicking to try to get it out. I finally come out of the bathroom, while my eyes are still burning and ask my friend what the fuck did I just put into my eye. My friend tells me I'm a fucking retard and I used the wrong solution last night and I just put a contact that was sitting in hydrogen peroxide for over 8 hours.
It took over a day for my eyes to finally stop burning.
TL;DR Soaked my contacts in Hydrogen peroxide solution over night and burned like hell in my eye
cobia_da_fish: Kind of ironic how your almost-blindness lead to a nearly devastating mistake that could've caused actual-blindness
Kennythanks: Logged in specifically to upvote this.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406865722 | 1406866710 | t3_2cb1dt | t5_2to41 | 10 | scaryprunejuice: TIFU by farting (NSFW)
GarnetSteel: Life hack for future, lay some toilet paper down on the water. It breaks the tension so that water doesn't splash back up :)
scaryprunejuice: Okay, thank you for the advice. I will try it soon.
GarnetSteel: Np!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406865003 | 1406867102 | t3_2cb0b3 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing along with those FB jokes.
tfyuhjnbgf: Next time say something about just finding out you are pregnant and how wasted you are gonna get. Then post pics of you drinking.
GarnetSteel: Haha well half the panic caused by everyone is that my boyfriend and I do lots of drugs.
The mention of shamb at the end is a music festival called Shambhala.
He's not as mad at me today, but he's definitely peeved. People keep jokingly calling him *big papa* and I as a result of not wanting to aggravate the situation, texted them asking them to give it some time before they joke about it.
Honestly, minus me not telling him, it was a hilarious post. I was laughing for hours. People would ask questions and I responded in such a way that they really should have been questioning me.
tfyuhjnbgf: I totes appreciated the humor in it.
GarnetSteel: Thanks! My roommate/best friend and I were laughing (basically cackling) the entire two hours wondering how people could believe such a thing. Not to mention, as the joke was circulating (and 2 out of the 14 options being pregnancy options) there were actually quite a few of the pregnancy ones on my news feed (surprising none on any of my friends except one).
| 5 | 1 | |
1406865884 | 1406868080 | t3_2cb1mf | t5_2to41 | 9 | Neversafeforlife: Tifu by opening the door for a kid
Not today, a few months ago. Me and my girlfriend were sitting at home watching television and close to starving, so we decide to order some pizza for pickup from a place down the street. Decent pizza and pretty cheap, so I get in my truck and drive my lazy ass about two blocks away. As I walk up to the door I notice a small child, maybe 8-10 years old walking toward the door with his arms full of pizza, crazy bread and a couple sodas. He leans with his back against the door to open it just as I get close, so I decide to help him out and pull the door open. Well, I guess he was leaning pretty hard and ate shit. Pizza boxes fly, crazy bread erupts into the air in slow motion like those fucking stupid canned snake things. Just as his head cracks off the concrete I pull him up, ask if he is okay (which he was), and help him recover his bounty of little caesars. Looking over I see his parents sitting in an suv aghast at what had just happened to their child at my hands. With that I walk into the store to get my pizza with shame in my heart.
Tl;dr opened a door that had a kid leaning against it, arms full of pizza stuff. Kid eats shit, parents were shocked, I was shamed.
Senorsheldor: Sounds like his parent's were at fault,there grown ass adults
crosshairs308: LAZY grown ass adults. Poor kid.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406866817 | 1407004265 | t3_2cb2ya | t5_2to41 | 827 | ThrowAwayBallCup: TIFU by having an orgasm in public
Have you ever heard of a coregasm? Apparently, when you work your body really hard, you can have an orgasm.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I was unaware of this.
So there I am at the crowded gym on Saturday...
Sit up
Sit up
Sit up
Slight tingle...
*Hmm..* I think... That's strange...
Sit up
Sit up
Boom. All of a sudden, I cum in my pants. Like, a lot.
So I stand up, and run to the bathroom. Apparently, it was National Take A Shit Day at the gym, because every stall was occupied.
I feel a tickle on my leg, so I look down to see a nice white stream dripping down my knee.
“Fuck me!” I say quietly to myself.
I immediately grab some paper towels and begin to wipe the cum away from leg.
Just as I begin to wipe, some older guy (probably around fifty) comes out of one of the stalls.
I guess he heard what I said, because as he walks out of the stall he starts to say “Are you okay...”
He immediately stops when he sees this line of ejaculate on my leg.
“Oh what the fuck?” He says as he turns around rather quickly.
I tried yelling some explanation, but I think all I got out was, “I was doing abs and I came!” Before he left.
I don't think I'll be going back to that gym, and I hope he doesn't call the cops or anything. Do you think he will?
**EDIT:** I haven't heard from the gym or the police, so that's a good sign. Also, for anyone wondering, I was **NOT HARD** while doing sit ups. There was also very little pleasure involved (there was a little, though. That's how I knew I had come, and not pissed).
Miss_Tasty: I have coregasms all the time, one of the best parts of working out haha. Didn't know that this could happen to guys too, so that's pretty interesting. But don't worry, l don't think he'll call the cops on you.
damnWarEagle: Couple years ago I was doing wall sits, where you place your back against the wall and sit in an invisible chair. As soon as I stood up *BAM*. I had no idea that could happen, but it did in gym class. (Male)
tftcwde81: Unrelated, but War Eagle
damnWarEagle: War damn Eagle
NAVI_WORLD_INC: FUCKIN' GOD DAMN RIGHT WAR EAGLE!!!!
wareagle1591: Hell yeah, War Damn Eagle!
tftcwde81: I had a terrible day at work, and this made everything better
| 8 | 103.375 | |
1406866093 | 1406906004 | t3_2cb1xh | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by not resting enough before babysitting
Let's go back 5 or so days. I often watch my sister's not-quite-2-year-old daughter while she's at work, and my other sister's 5 year old. Watching the girl is usually an 8:30-6pm affair, and since the boy and his mom live here, and he's 5, he doesn't really require much supervision other than throwing some food and play-fights at him every now and then. Now, my sleep schedule is usually kind of upside down versus the babysitting, as in, I usually tend to sleep during most of those hours, and if I can't force myself to sleep early I just deal with it for those few days. This day was one of those days, the "I couldn't even finish a REM cycle's worth of sleep" kind of days. I felt a little more beat than usual, and just brushed it off, but by the evening when my sister picked up my niece, I had sore tonsils and an overall crappy feeling.
Well, the week prior, my nephew had picked up Hand Foot & Mouth Disease (sounds like a germ emporium... THAT'S RIGHT GREGGORY, WE FEATURE BACTERIA AND VIRUSUSES TO FIT YOUR EVERY NEED). And with my unusually shitty immune response from lack of rest (and lack of lack of drinking), and never getting it as a kid, here I am today with all of these shitty little spots and bumps mostly on the tops of my hands, and halfway down my forearms, and a good handful on the soles of each foot. None around my mouth and I hope it stays that way. Luckily, they aren't noticeably itchy... yet.
TL;DR: TIFU by getting hand foot and mouth disease as a grown-ass man.
Fluffy8x: Ah, the tri-infecta. Hand, foot, and mouth.
[deleted]: Boo. BOOOO.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406870044 | 1407039517 | t3_2cb75y | t5_2to41 | 33 | misanthropicusername: TIFU by trying out my new vibrator [NSFW]
TIFU. I guess background first. I'm a transgender woman - that is, I was born male but identify as female and am currently in the middle ground between the two while I transition (I'm legally, socially, and hormonally female; I'm genitally male; anatomically I'm in between). One of the things involved in that is replacing the testosterone in my system with estrogen. This make erections impossible. (Not an issue in the future after surgery, but a bit of a problem for now.)
I still want orgasms, though, and after doing a bunch of research found that vibrators work for this if used right. I got the kind of vibrator most widely recommended (a Hitachi Magic Wand, which is like [the size](http://i.imgur.com/kTE8JG8.jpg) of my forearm and hand). Ordered it on Amazon and it got here yesterday - so stoked!
I tried it out today. Pulled up some eye candy from my hard drive, checked if there was anything new on /r/TinyTits or /r/dykesgonewild worth masturbating to, and got comfortable on my bed. Laid a towel out, applied some lube, and checked things out using one of the methods I came across.
It felt *really* good. Like, leg spasms good. But after a couple minutes it became seriously overstimulating. I wouldn't have stuck with it if that's how it started, but I felt close to orgasm, so I kept going. Just bite your lip and power through, I told myself. That was my big mistake.
It worked. Suddenly I felt an ecstatic release. It felt like 1/2 an orgasm, and I figured it just might be dulled by the hormones. Something shot out of my penis and I thought it was cum. But it continued to keep coming. It shot into the air in a big, clear stream. Oh shit!
By the time I realized what was happening and managed to stop the flow, I had pissed all over my belly, my legs, my arm, my bed, and of course the vibrator. It soaked through the towel, through the sheets, and into the mattress.
So instead of an orgasm I got my bed and half my body drenched in piss.
The best part is, I went to the bathroom right before starting to make sure that wouldn't be a problem. Less than 10 minutes between "bladder empty" and "the fucking Nile river."
TIFU. I think the FU is where I kept going, but I'm still not 100% sure where IFU.
PsychoticMessiah: You fucked up by not having a waterproof mattress pad.
GarnetSteel: Question about this, is it kind of plasticy? Or is it just waterproof fabric?
Being a squirted myself has soaked the sheets more times than I'd like to say (and it kinda sucks to sleep afterwards).
PsychoticMessiah: They make both. The plastic type have cloth on top and a flexible plastic type material on the under side. Do not dry these on high heat.
Ours is the waterproof fabric type and these are better then the plastic type ones imo. I think the brand is Serta or Simmons.
On a side note I've tried to get my gf to squirt with only minimal success.
GarnetSteel: I dabble in drugs (just going to lead with that). And my first time squirting was on M (MDMA which is the pure form of ecstasy - ecstasy is a mixed drug which is dirty...).
First time I squirted it was about 8 times and my bf at the time kept setting me off in shock as his arm was soaked.
The second time we experimented to see if we could do it again. Sure enough I was able, and this time I *paid attention to how the muscles in my body worked* it felt like I was pushing on my bladder.
I honestly wonder (almost) every time if I've peed a little. The current bf (never got oral from my ex...) always says nope, you gushed your cum in my mouth/hand.
Personally as I mentioned to OP, orgasming and squirting is not quite as intense as orgasming on it own. I've had way higher intensities of orgasm.
My boyfriend does do that 'come hither' thing when fingering me. Mostly he just finds the spot until I start wiggling.
PsychoticMessiah: Oh my. If I could make her squirt like that it would be.... just wow. I've done the come hither with orgasmic success but not the kind were talking about. She has to be in the right mind set which is easier than done.
GarnetSteel: Mind set is huge. So is inebriation or 'influence'.
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1406872258 | 1406924062 | t3_2cb9vi | t5_2to41 | 7,657 | bicyclejosh: TIFU by spilling black widows all over my living room
I'm a graduate student in Oklahoma and I work in a greenhouse. One day while chasing a lizard around the bay where my experiment is kept, I stumbled across a black widow female. I trapped her in a water bottle, brought her home, and put her in a cage with crickets. She ate quite a few crickets and doubled in size while laying two egg sacs. I had smeared Vaseline around the top of the cage to prevent her from escaping, but the thought of having hundreds of baby black widow spiders in a tank just feet from my couch gave me the heebie jeebies.
today, I decided that I would remove the egg sacs from the tank. However one egg sac had already hatched, and there were hundreds of small brown spiders crawling on the web. I was unnerved by the sight of so many spiders, so I picked up the tank with the intention to move it outside. That lasted for about 2 seconds. The lid came off the tank as I held it away from my body and the tank crashed down against the sofa and carpet. Spiders, crickets, and web flew out on impact before I could even realize what had happened.
So, now I'm going to have to bug bomb the entire house, but not before having to spend one very uncomfortable/itchy/nerve wracking night in the bedroom, 12 feet from where I dropped hundreds of miniscule, nearly invisible black widows.
justfrancesst: This could've been much shorter.
"I trapped a black widow in a water bottle & brought her home. TIFU"
ErikaCD: Even shorter.
"I trapped a black widow"
Kill it with fire first chance you get.
ANUSTART942: TIFU Black Widow
OopsMissedALetter: Black Widow
TL;DR: TIFU
Thrpwawayharp: TIFU:black
kleurplaay: Woah woah easy there you racist fuck
Slompard: That escalated quickly.
IsThisJokeOld: ✔
Knows-Whats-Up: ✔
OftenUsesEbonics: ✔️
patrick227: **X**
| 12 | 638.083333 | |
1406871622 | 1406918963 | t3_2cb94i | t5_2to41 | 21 | halovidnoob: TIFU by accidentally farting in my friends mom's face
So this happened a few months ago but i cannot stop thinking about it. I'm about to leave my friends house after having a little get together with a bunch of friends and I am about to open the front door when the family dog walks up to me. My friend's mother comes to the door and tells me that the dog tends to freak out for some reason when anyone leaves the house so she bends over to hold the dog so I can leave. Her face was right in front of my ass and I couldn't hold it in... I let out a silent elongated steamy fart right into her face and walked out the door as fast as possible. I haven't seen her since but that was my first time meeting her and i still can't shake the thought of her wondering why it suddenly smelt like shit after i closed the door. I always cringe thinking about it. RIGHT IN HER FACE! >.<
GarnetSteel: It's simple. The dog did it. At least you better hope it smelled like a rotten hotdog dog fart.
That being said, my dad blames all his farts/burps on any animal (kitty or Kona-dog) in the house (has since I was 12 and I'm nearing on 24)
I told this to my bf and he has now blamed our dog for a couple of his farts (when clearly coming from his own ass).
[deleted]: Best tactic out there right now.
| 3 | 7 | |
1406871560 | 1406874046 | t3_2cb91t | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my brother fired.
[deleted]: You go off tangent a lot don't you?
mustangwolf1997: I usually do when I drink. But no, normally I do tend to drift away from the topic.
[deleted]: All good, was definitely a FU
mustangwolf1997: Oh no doubt. He works three jobs. Two from the same employer, meaning he just lost two of his three jobs and STILL has to find a way to pay rent. And he only has work from the third once every two weeks to a month!
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1406874058 | 1406878971 | t3_2cbbux | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally wiping my hard drive
Today I was trying different pieces of software, as many IT people do, and I happened to need a flash drive to run this particular program on another computer. On computers that don't run Windows or Mac, they probably run Linux. On Linux, hard drives and other storage devices plugged in are named by the system as sd**X**, **X** being a letter differentiating it from other devices. My hard drive was **sda**, and my flash drive was **sdb**. So I go about typing in the commands to copy this program to my flash drive, and it finishes extremely fast. I was surprised, and then proceeded to plug in the drive to another system. The system saw nothing on the drive. Out of confusion, I unplugged it, and plugged it in again. Still nothing. I approached my laptop to see if I misspelled a command or something, and then my heart sank. The command I used to copy the program wipes everything off of the destination device, and the device I told it to wipe and copy the program to was my hard drive. *All because I typed one wrong letter.* As soon as I attempted to click anything, the entire system froze. Upon reboot, there was the program starting, as it should have on the flash drive, but now all my pictures, documents, and hard work had been obliterated.
TL;DR - I misspelled a command, and destroyed all of my data.
jeremyserious: "now all my pictures, documents, and hard work had been obliterated. "
IT guys not keeping backups? Setting a bad example there eh. Sorry for your losses though
[deleted]: That's exactly what my SO said haha, I'm doing that as soon as my operating system is re-installed.
serpentwhistler: I've made similar mistakes. When you're doing something hairy, for example, using dd, you always want a backup.
But unless you really messed up and dd filled your hd with zeros or some such thing your filesystem should have been mostly intact. Peek and poke, and viola! There are tools for that.
[deleted]: Yup, I used dd to do it. My drive was completely messed up, to the boot sector even. I had to use a GParted live disc to get everything off of the drive before I could even begin to re-install. I was thinking of doing a file recovery over night, but I have work in the morning and I need the laptop, so I'm just gonna get this thing back up and running ASAP.
| 5 | 1 | |
1406874970 | 1406932810 | t3_2cbcsk | t5_2to41 | 20 | jjsa202: TIFU by making my mom think I brought a pound of cocaine from Mexico.
So, last time I went to Mexico, I brought back a packet of delicious chili powder. I had opened it the night before coming back to the USA and had a little "chile fest!" by my gluttonous self. When packing, I wrapped the half a kilo up in aluminum foil to make it nice and tight. Today, my mother was looking for an old phone of mine, I told her to look for it in my bed, and when she scavenged the unknown of my bed, she grabbed the packet and showed it to me asking "what is this?" wish a the-fuck face. I looked up and realized it looked like a nicely wrapped half pound of cocaine.
I had a forgotten pack of chili powder wrapped up in aluminum and my mom thought it was cocaine...
g0ldbar: I would have played it off and asked if she wanted a few bumps, waited, allowed her to call the cops, have myself placed in handcuffs, had them test the substance, then make her feel bad about jumping to conclusions and not trusting me to do the right thing and staying clean and away from drugs.
jjsa202: nah, she knows I wouldn't do that. It just looked too good to be chili powder!
g0ldbar: Still would have been something to use for quite a while... I guess I'm just an asshole like that tho.
| 4 | 5 | |
1406874977 | 1406901554 | t3_2cbcsw | t5_2to41 | 108 | Stormofhail: TIFU: By telling my GM I couldn't come to work because I was on Ecstasy. (Nsfw maybe)
I put nsfw because I mention drugs. This happened at the beginning of the summer, but still makes me facepalm to this day.
I've done drugs before, not often but occasionally (don't lecture me, I don't care)
I also try to never buy from someone who hasn't tried their product themselves.
Well.....my best friends cousin does Ecstasy a lot , I mean A LOT. We decided to get some from him. He recommended we take two each for full effects but we didn't want to spend that much so we took one each.
It wasn't good. I mean it wasn't horrible but it was obviously cut with an upper like coke or meth. I didn't feel as happy and adventurous as I had before on ecstasy. I felt wide awake and talkative, but also very stuck in my head and had no motivation to do anything but sit and talk and chain smoke cigarettes.
We didn't sleep. Which is also one thing I'm usually able to eventually do while on exos. 10:00AM comes around, I'm coming down, my head and stomach hurt, I'm tired as hell, and I have to be at work at 12AM.
Not happening.
My phone is about to die so I get my coworkers number out of my phone so I can call him on my friends phone and see if he will cover for me (I've saved him from working many mornings) and I get my GMS number to call him and let him now I won't be coming in but that I had it covered. I text my coworker a long paragraph telling him that "I tried some shitty exos last night and it made me feel sick so I was gonna see if you still wanted my shift this morning." I also told him that I was gonna lie and tell our GM I had a stomach bug.
Then something tells me to check the number I just texted again.
Turns out I texted my GM instead of my coworker.
If you wanna know what happens next I can post it in the comments. Just didn't wanna make this post too lengthy.
Stormofhail: Well after having a panic attack I figured the best thing would be to call him and explain.
Which I did by telling him I didn't want him to think less of me for trying drugs because I "never do them"
He's a 40 year old socially awkward gay male and he just laughed at my stupidity and says "baby girl I've tried everything under the sun. You get some rest and be careful next time"
I got sooo lucky.
YourFavBarPunk: Your GM is a great dude. I used to work for a guy like that. I miss that freedom.
anearlifeexperience: [r/MURICA](http://reddit.com/r/MURICA/)
| 4 | 27 | |
1406874149 | 1406887784 | t3_2cbbxp | t5_2to41 | 3 | shitballs22: TIFU by being a busser
Let me start off I have been working at this restaurant for a couple months now not my first job and the pay is fine.
So my boss let's call her Nicole ask me to hurry up and buss a table but before that I was standing around doing nothing business was slow and I had a hang nail so I ripped it off and dint realize how bad it was so i ignored it and carried on and then got called to the table.
I set the table and they where waiting for me and they stand there and as I set the last fork down I look and almost had a stroke there was blood droplets all over the white table cloth and silver wear and glasses from my finger.
I looked up and stared my boss straight in the eyes and all i could say was "it's not ready I fucked up". In front of all the people and all i could think is fuck my life this is going to be hard to explain.
After clearing that table I ran over to my boss and she took me into her office I explained what happens and she was pissed like a tiger that hasn't been feed in a couple days and you just so happened to have a big ass t-bone steak right in front of its face.she complety bitched me out and I had to pay the fee if a party left with a reservation. So the that whole ordeal cost me 45 bucks and a very pissed of boss.
shitballs22: What's illegal?
ShmeckleCoveter: Did you ever see that episode of spingebob where me krabs makes squidward pay for breathing and stuff?
No taxation without representation as the early Americans said: Well, you can't tax your employees for bleeding accidentally, look up the laws for you state and you might get you money back.
:P
| 3 | 1 | |
1406876251 | 1406917210 | t3_2cbe2s | t5_2to41 | 11 | Fyureus: TIFU by offering a worried man/woman my phone
This didn't happen today, but happened about 2 years ago, but just thought of it cause my brother brought it up today. Every Saturday/Sunday I go outside and play basketball with my brother, and i have my garage open and playing music, from an iHome like device where you have your iPhone in a port and play music. So, we go out for about 30 minutes until a black Toyota pulls up with a man driving the car and a woman in the passenger seat crying and holding her phone (these people we had no idea who they were and did not live in our street). The woman was said, crying, "I need to call my brother, my dad is in the hospital can we please use your phone." Which made sense to my then 16 year old self so I put the ball down and ran in to my garage, took out my phone and ran to the car. She said, "hold your phone out there and put in on speaker and I'll give you the number." Sounded reasonable, so it rang, then she said bring it closer I can't hear, as it said whatever it says to a fake number she grabbed the phone and drove off with the guy, I tried to chase down the car but unfortunately I'm not Usain Bolt. I told my parents and they did something with AT&T to the point where the stuff from my old phone would be transferred to my new and much worse phone and they wouldn't have my shit. Not sure how that all worked out but to this day it annoys me how tricky people can be.
tl;dr: offered worried girl my phone to make a call, drove off with it
edit 1: *i got a worse phone
cervixpaunch: Man, you are stupid as hell.
Fyureus: Heat of the moment man, looking back at it i know it was really really fucking stupid but when it happens to you, you do stuff that you wouldn't think you would.
cervixpaunch: Well, just accept the reality of the situation. Acceptance is key.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406876858 | 1406883115 | t3_2cbens | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU By cheating NSFW
Today was my one of my friends' birthday and we decided to get drunk, he is single and he invited every female that texted him happy birthday over to his house. It was about 15 females and only 4 of us and a lot of liquor.
The 4 ended up getting drunk before any of the them arrived, and by the time they got to his house we were already drunk and they quickly caught up.
I was sitting alone trying not to get involved in anything, but two girls came right next to me and started dancing on each other. I talked to them, and ended up between them, one thing led to another and the 3 of us ended up the the laundry room and I was in the middle of a threesome. After I finished, I left and returned to my seat.
Things died down a little but quickly livened up as more liquor came. I was still sitting down when a girl sat on my lap and started dancing on me. Then again, one thing led to another and she began to give me head, she wanted me to have sex with her but I didn't. I left after she stopped.
I got in my car and I didn't tell anyone I was leaving, I just feel horrible about what I've done. I've been with my girlfriend on and off for over 3 years. We are both college students but attend different colleges and the long distance often gets to me but I've never cheated. I just feel bad, we were doing alright and I'm leaving for school in 2 weeks.
My girlfriend rarely wants to have sex and I don't want to force her or make her feel like she needs to, but I enjoy it and want to have it often. I have never cheated on my girlfriend until now. I'm really afraid that she'll find out because she knows one of the girls I was involved with tonight. I'm not sure what to do. The guilt is killing me.
xPrisma6: imo you have to be completely honest with her and tell her before she finds out from someone else.
GarnetSteel: /u/rmetro
This. Honesty is a lot better than finding it out three months later.
Background. Birthday is dec 11 for me, so we went out on the Friday of that week... Found out that night that my so-called perfect boyfriend has slept with my so-called best friend in October.
Thankfully found out at the END of my birthday night. But still shitty.
Also found out 3 months after breaking up (because women have a way of finding things out, seriously) that he'd also cheated on me with three other women during out relationship. And it had nothing to do with us, he just liked sex (and we had A LOT of it so I don't even know why he needed to seek others out for it).
TL;DR tell her, and you can be honest that a compromise of sex in the relationship may be helpful, but that you were extremely intoxicated. It'd also be helpful to mention you turned down further advances.
Sticky situation...
xPrisma6: Wow, sorry you had to experience that :( Honestly, us guys screw up a lot, but that doesn't mean we don't need to own up to it.
GarnetSteel: Ya... He only answered my question of 'did you'
When I said i wasn't mad, I just wanted the truth.... It took me asking 3 times, I was really upset when he nodded. But I wasn't mad, just really sad.
He said me not being mad worried him more than anything because he thought it meant I didn't care. TBH there were many things that were failing by that point. I did love him but if been taken for granted for over a year, and cheating was the cherry on top. Even if he started to TRULY love me (around Oct after that incident). I tried for a month to worn it out but it was too little too late. I wanted to see if it was better late then never. I couldn't bring the love back after being stepped on, and cheated.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1406876033 | 1406896437 | t3_2cbdvs | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by jokingly asking my girlfriend to message me a shirtless pic
Hey there. I am a 15 year old boy who miraculously has managed to keep a girlfriend for nearly 8 months now. I love her very dearly.
About two hours ago I decided to sent her a picture of myself in pajama pants just before going to bed. After she responds I say, "Do you feel obligated to send a complimentary shirtless picture back?". Normally, I would never say this seriously. It was just a joke, and I thought she saw that.
Jokingly, I push the request a bit. After that bit she isn't responding so I let her know it was all a joke. She didn't find it funny; she thought I was being real.
She has been mad and crying while I have been trying to clean after my insensitive, dick move. I was actually quite astonished to see her respond this way and this harshly. For the past hour I have been apologizing, and I have been trying to console her. Nothing has been helping.
In the end I feel horrible, regretful, helpless, and disgusted with myself.
TL;DR: I joking ask my SO to send me shirtless pics, she thinks I was serious, gets mad, cries, I ~~feel like~~ am a huge smelly butt.
NINJA EDIT: Added "she thought I was being real."
ICBMCanada: She'll get over it. You guys are too young to be sending pictures like that anyways... But don't beat yourself up dude.
6romperstomper9: He can't beat himself, he didn't get a topless pic.
JoshGoldFish: I CAN FIND A WAY! EVEN IN THE WORST OF SITUATIONS!
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1406874426 | 1406923644 | t3_2cbc8c | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by Cumming in my Parents Shower [probably NSFW]
So a little bit of back story: We only have one shower in my house and it's my parent's.
Let's go back to 13 year old me. I had just discovered masturbation and I was doing it A LOT. I did what I usually did which was starting off on the toilet and finishing in the shower. Everything was fine, it was a normal whacking session. The trauma comes about 20 minutes later...
I'm watching TV and my mom (who is no fool) comes out and asks me, "Did you blow your nose in the shower?" Being very confused at first I soon realize why she must be asking this. I nod and say, "Yes I did, I'm sorry, I'll do it outside of the shower next time." She says, "Thank you, because your little sister just stepped in all your snot." On the outside I remain cool until she leaves. Then extreme embarrassment ensues. I'm sure I don't have to explain how uncomfortable it must feel to know that my little ***SISTER*** just stepped in all my jizz. Like I said, my mom is no fool and she DEFINITELY knows what happened; but thank god she never brought it up again.
**TL;DR:** I came in my parents shower and my little sister stepped in my jizz.
dawsdirtsheet: I was really hoping someone ended up pregnant.
TheTrueDuckieKing: oh
| 3 | 5 | |
1406879236 | 1406881524 | t3_2cbgwg | t5_2to41 | 10 | feggatron: TIFU by pissing in a water bottle.
so my sister comes in my room with a bottle of water and places right next to my pee bottle, she starts playing call of duty zombies and then takes a drink out of the wrong bottle. hilarity ensues.
BakedChloe: I think the bigger question here is; why the hell do you have a pee bottle?!
GarnetSteel: Playing COD, no time to get up.
feggatron: exactly
GarnetSteel: *Naaaaaiiiillled it*
| 5 | 2 | |
1406878183 | 1406885313 | t3_2cbfxh | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my wife ...
GarnetSteel: Was it so much a solution, or was it asking whether she got insurance with her ticket? This is not exactly clear in your text..
She prob freaked because it's possible it wasn't part of the ticket and she's already in freak out mode. Which means you're not helping her out, you're pissing her off when she already knows something.
??
[deleted]: I don't care whether she has the insurance or not, it's a longer story, she just keeps asking ME questions I am not able to answer. For example, she asked me a few times how much money she should take with her although it was HER idea to fly alone to a foreign country
GarnetSteel: How often does she travel?
I'm going to a music festival next week, never been. Boyfriend has for the last 5 yrs. I keep fucking forgetting we got shambhalodging which I paid for (awesome camping in a good spot) which includes shade, and I keep asking if we're going to bring a tarp to put over our tent for shade. On a side note, my suitcase was way over prepared as well and I'd finished packing 3 days before him. Now he's frantically asking me whether I packed the things I was supposed to. And I also keep telling him yes.
I keep forgetting because I haven't done it before, I'm clueless what to expect, I don't even know what budget I'll be working with, he tells me 'you have $1000 you'll be comfortable'. I have almost $2k but I also plan on shopping. For awesome stuff as well as in general on our vacation.. Your wife is clueless. If she's ever traveled to a completely different country/culture she might have a guideline to go with, some basic understanding. Tell her to budget $1000-2000 in the currency she's planning for general spending (food and shopping).
Good luck!
[deleted]: It's her 1st trip to a foreign country, but she is going to pay only for the meals (is staying with a friend)
GarnetSteel: Well, that makes the budget a tad easier!
Tell her that tidbit. I doubt she'd spend more than $2000 (in their currency so exchange that rate).
Then again, I also don't have a great budget to work with (I imagine you might have more spending cash than my low hour lowish wage job provides), I've been saving for 8 months for that 'almost $2000' I have.
Where is she going if you don't mind my asking? I have a friend who backpacks around a lot (and if she's staying with friends you've got free housing which would be similar to CHEAP housing on a student budget).
I might be able to ask my friend what a good realistic max budget for spending might be.
My friend has gone to china, Australia, Europe 3 times, and across a lot of the European countries in general.
[deleted]: To Greece, Athens to be specific. And for a week
GarnetSteel: I think... She went to Greece. One of her best friends has family in that area.
Anyways I'm off to bed. I shall see if I have time tomorrow while leaving for my own vacation to see if she'll respond :)
| 8 | 0.875 | |
1406880645 | 1406896340 | t3_2cbi2p | t5_2to41 | 3 | OhYeaImLacedUp: TIFU by exploiting my girlfriends insecurity.
This literally happened today, not even 3 hours ago. I had been texting my ex today (we remained civil after the break up) about random things. Me and my SO were watching a movie when my mother texted me asking if I could help troubleshoot her iPhone because she isn't very tech savvy. I replied to her text and put my phone back in my pocket. We proceed to ignore the movie and do the dirt. We finish and put our clothes back on and we're laying on the couch cuddling when my phone goes off in my
pocket.
I know my SO has a serious insecurity she developed when 2 of her exes had cheated on her in the past. She asked who it was and I assumed it was my mom replying to my text so I told her and she demanded I give her my phone. I look at her slightly agitated and tell her no. She asked a few more times and i refuse. Idk why I didn't give it to her, I guess I was just annoyed that she assumed I was hiding something from her when I wasn't. I just wanted her to take my word for it and trust me.
Fast forward a bit and I text her and she replies, threatening to leave me because I 'messed' with her and pushed a bit too far. Granted she found pics of my ex in my phone I never bothered to delete because I never go that far into my pics. I deleted them right there on the spot. Then she found a pic some random thot snapchatted me that i had screenshotted. Idk why I thought it would be a good idea to screenshot it and send it to my cousin and talk shit about her. Deleted that pic on the spot too.
She has my phone password and I give her free reign to look at my phone whenever. I have never given her any reason to suspect I could have been talking to someone else. So I might be single after being in a relationship with her for almost a year.
dripdroponmytiptop: Man it's a damn phone and you're in a relationship, just show her the damn phone. Since you apparently have nothing to hide, were you afraid she'd judge you or something?
You're a bit of an asshole, good luck to your girlfriend in finding a guy who isn't
OhYeaImLacedUp: How am I an asshole? because one time in the year we've been together i got annoyed with her insecurity? i understand she's been hurt in the past, but i dont see why she always has to assume i'm talking to someone else behind her back. especially when i never gave her a reason to assume that. like i said, i just wanted her to take my word for it and trust me for once.
GarnetSteel: I trust my bf.. Read into his phone one night over some insecurity because he'd been pulling away from me (and when that happens I lose a balance in my life emotionally so I do the opposite of what I should, I cling a bit). I also feel dirty for looking into his phone. It's not something I would want done to me (invasion of privacy). That being said, he had the password for my phone, and his phone isn't even locked.
His best friend called me a stage 5 clinger after I'd had a talk with my boyfriend calling off a foursome (because I was closer to the friends than him and that felt weird going into a foursome) and my bf just laughed and also said I was probably drunk when I talked to him. Nope, been thinkin about it straight for two weeks before that point.
Anyways, that all blew up in his face. Because if been honest with him and he thought I was 'just being silly'.
We have since ironed exactly out where my insecurity lies, and it is that I need a consistent relationship with normal talking (not a lot of silences- I suck at convo starters).
OhYeaImLacedUp: did you find anything incriminating when you went thru his phone?
GarnetSteel: A bit... I only checked his history with his best friend.
I always feel like I have to compete for my bf's love when it comes to his best friend. I understand the friendship but it kills me when my bf is saying I love you (to him) and wants to spend way no time with his buddy than me.
I swear his best friend is more of a girlfriend than I. And it's a big joke, but it's not one I particularly enjoy. I'd personally say it's bordering on obsession (his friend goes away for 3 weeks and is back for 2?) he whines the entire 3 weeks about how much he misses him (texts him every day) and then when his friend is back I'm left sitting at home for a week and a half alone (unless I invite myself... And then I feel completely unwelcome). Aaaannnddd repeat again.
That and the other thing that pissed me off is that my mother comes to town twice a year, she was in town for one night and I asked my bf to join for dinner (he was fixing a friends truck so I let it slide) but I read the texts and his bestie said 'fuck her and her mom, I'm in town for 3 more days, spend time with me!!!!'
😡 I gave him an out, and he took it based on what his friend said, not entirely because he was actually busy fixing his friends truck. Major pissed me off.
That and I haven't even been invited to the last 6 of his family dinners, but I've been to all his brothers family dinners.
I just hate ASKING to come along to something regardless that 'I'm totally welcome'. K... So invite me instead of me always having to ask, resulting in me being stage 5 clinger.
TL;DR compete with his best friend for affection, his best friend disrespects me and Bf dumps plans with my family. Also having to invite myself to pretty much anything.
Edit accidentally put bf's name in o.O
wheresmapug: Thats messed up. They sound more like the couple and you are the third wheel.
GarnetSteel: Yeeeuuuupp.
My insecurities of lack of communication came full swing when I actually managed to be open and start having normal conversations and a friend told me to shut the fuck up. I've Always had trouble talking, normally I listen. And that hurt deep after finally holding a balanced conversation with 3 ppl for an hour. I cried in front of my bf for pretty much an hour and was finally able to express exactly what upset me. He listened to me and hugged me.
wheresmapug: I dont understand, you keep calling them friends yet by what you write they treat you like shit. Maybe I dont understand exactly.
I hope your relationship with your boyfriend improved.
GarnetSteel: It did help with the bf. Minus my TIFU, we're good.
I'm not besties with my bf's best friend. And the one who hurt my feels tends to think everyone owes him the world, he's not an awesome friend but my bf lives at that guys house :/
| 10 | 0.3 | |
1406880542 | 1406895905 | t3_2cbhzr | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to take off my t-shirt
This didn't happen today, it's closer to 18 months ago, but I'm fairly new to this subreddit, so here goes.
My gf at the time and me where in the early stages of a relationship.
You know, after the early "discovering" phase, and into the "awesome-sex-all-the-time" phase. She had this thing that if something took to long, she got bored, and her juices would stop flowing.
So. Cue us in the bed, after a bit of foreplay, it's go time. And knowing the fact that she got bored quickly, I decided to undress myself fast. When it got to my t-shirt, I somehow managed to get it stuck. I quickly decided that force would be the best solution, so I tried to yank it off smoothly.
She had obviously noticed that I had some troubles, and just as I am about to tear the t-shirt off me using my limited force, she comes into help. The problem was, I didn't need any.
I tore the t-shirt off like it was nothing, and in the process managed to hit her with my elbow in her eye. I am a quite tall guy, she is a petite girl, so my little force ended up throwing her from one side of a king-sized bed, to the other.
Luckily, even tho it hurt, she managed to see the funny side in it.
I ended up with blue balls, she ended up with a blue eye.
The best part tho, is I met her parents for the first time the next day.
TL;DR Hit my gf during snu-snu, ended up looking like a wifebeater
HoldMyBee: Well, maybe she's into this sort of things ?
Lordbluepants: That would explain a few things actually...
iandalton9690: Next time she gets bored bite her eye or something kinky like that
Lordbluepants: I will tell her current BF to do it.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1406883470 | 1406902649 | t3_2cbkd5 | t5_2to41 | 1,850 | ifuckedup222: TIFU by getting caught masturbating by my 14 year old cousin, telling her something I shouldn't have, and try to pack my things and move out but in the process break a valuable vase that had sentimental value to my mother....
Pull up a chair and warm up by the fire because I'm about to tell you how I ruined my life:
My family hosts regular gatherings for much of the family at our house. My grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles come over, we eat dinner, light a fire out back when it's cold, hang out, and generally catch up to each other. This particular day had a gathering scheduled.
I [17/M] wake up on this day at around noon and hop in the shower, get dressed, help my mom make the large dinner, and then hop on my PS4 and wait for the family to arrive. As they do, my dad flips on the TV and a Victoria's Secret commercial is playing. I haven't done the deed in around 2 weeks now, so I get extremely horny and have an overwhelming urge to get into the bathroom and spank the child maker. Now this is where we fully begin our tale.
I normally lock the door before I start, you know, so I don't get caught. I've actually never been caught before this because of how careful I am. This time, however, I was in a rush to get started and forget to lock the door. I lay on the floor (a rug lies in front of the counter [the one with the sink] and I lay on that, my back against the wall just to the left of the doorway) and get started. As I'm approaching climax, I hear footsteps outside the door and immediately remember that I hadn't locked the door. However, since I was approaching the last stage of the evil plan, I was pretty much unable to reach for the lock and the door finally flung open. And with that, I climaxed to the view of my 13 year old cousin who I was mostly close with. After around 3 seconds of awkward silence, she closes the door and profusely apologizes just outside as I rush to clean up and get dressed. As I rush outside the bathroom and stop her in the hallway, I naturally have to think of something to say.
Something to note: **I don't work well under pressure.**
My brain has only a few seconds to decide what to say, and it naturally decides humor is an excellent idea. And what did it decide I should say? "I was thinking of you while I did it." And as that sentence came to a close (in a mysteriously serious voice), the look on her face became extreme amounts of disgust, a mix of confusion, and a hint of fear. She sprinted to the family room, and I shut out the world to flee to my room, close the door, lock it, and quickly pack my things, thinking that this was it. I could never talk to my family again now. I had to leave and never look back. So I grabbed a backpack and packed my essentials.
Something else to note: when I'm in a hurry, I don't pay any attention to anything. And something else, I'm schizophrenic.
I needed my meds but I store them in the bathroom (my mom forced me), so I run out my room and quickly grab my meds. Now, my mom stores a vase on a shelf in the laundry room, which is connected to the hall. The vase belonged to her grandmother, who she loved very much, and the vase was the last thing that remained of her. I learned at this time that moving the washing machine some can cause the loose shelf to shake, and the vase could easily fall. How did I learn this? By running past it, tripping, and using the washing machine as support. The vase immediately fell over, landed on the dryer, and shattered in several pieces.
Now I was fucked, and I heard someone coming up the stairs, so I run back to my room, close the door, lock it, zip up my backpack, grab my keys, and open my window. From my window, I can get onto the roof and easily hop off a 7 foot drop that allows me to leave the house from my room. So I dropped off, ran to my car, and quickly sped away from my house.
I am now staying with a friend who has his own apartment. This all happened yesterday, so I spent the night here. My mom and dad have called me quite a few times, along with a few other family members. They don't know where this apartment is and don't know that I'm here. I don't know what the fallout will be, but I do know that I probably won't have to face it.
So, that's it. Sorry for the long read.
TL;DR: Got caught spanking, said bad words, broke important vase, fled home.
UPDATE: I'll start the update off by saying that I overreacted, as clearly stated by everyone in this thread. I was (and probably still am) an idiot.
Anyway, I did call my Mom, who was less worried about the vase than she was me, and told her I was safe and had a roof over my head. I could feel her relief from the phone. She, and everyone else here, convinced me to return home and so I promptly did. My parents haven't brought up the incident since then and are just happy I'm home.
Note that my uncle is an extremely conservative Christian who believes that masturbation is a sin and as such now hates me for not only doing it, but "allowing his daughter to walk in on me doing it." I'm 98% sure he wants to murder me as well. I went to his house and explained everything to him and my cousin, and while my cousin is completely understanding and no longer cares that the incident happened, he no longer wants to see me ever again so I no longer have contact with her. Am working on it though, so hopefully I can get back a (NORMAL) relationship with my cousin.
I took the advice of /u/not-a-keeper and am working on a project with the pieces of the vase. Other than a few cuts from my carelessness, it's going well. I'm determined to make up for the fact that I broke it.
Other things I want to comment on:
* My cousin is 13, I accidentally hit 4 in the title.
* My parents did not contact the police so I was not reported missing.
* Everything in my memory about this happened, so it was not hallucinated in any way. Although I kinda wish it was.
logicaltwist: OP please come back home or you will post another TIFU in one year with the keywords "homeless", "meth" and "regret". I might exaggerate but your family seems loving and caring about you. Explain them what happened, apologize and move on. You do not grow up by fleeing your responsibilities but you become stronger by facing them.
(edit: please follow up)
halfascientist: OP, please don't even worry about it, because you're not schizophrenic, because juvenile-onset schizophrenia is incredibly rare, and when it does occur, is nearly always associated with even more enormous neurocognitive deficits than it is in adulthood, which among other things result in people not being able to write at anywhere *near* the level you were able to write. Neither your writing, nor the self-report of your behavior contained within it, is anywhere near commensurate with an individual with schizophrenia, much less a 17-year-old individual with schizophrenia. It is, however, a great deal like how people naively expect individuals with schizophrenia to think and act.
I've been confused by this subreddit ever since it got defaulted a little while ago. Is it supposed to be like /r/nosleep where everyone knows it's completely made up but you're just supposed to play along and pretend it isn't?
Source: clinical psych PhD student
dimmidice: i think you're in the wrong place.
halfascientist: Seriously? Like, is that seriously the thing? Where people are just pretending that it's real?
Notacatmeow: Just drink the kool aid and everything will be better. One of us. One of us.
halfascientist: "I WANT TO POST TO /R/CRINGE BUT I CAN'T FIND A VIDEO OF ANYTHING; I'LL JUST MAKE UP A PATENTLY OBVIOUSLY FALSE STORY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REJECTED TEENAGE FAN-WRITTEN SEINFELD SCRIPT SUBMISSION"
Notacatmeow: Dude... I think you drank the Tang by mistake.
halfascientist: WHY IS IT ALL SO TERRIBLE
| 9 | 205.555556 | |
1406885769 | 1406897714 | t3_2cbmcr | t5_2to41 | 7 | holoz0r: TIFU By Attempting to Root my Phone
P0werage: Hey, you should try www.sammobile.com.
I wouldn't describe it as "dodgy", and I am usually done downloading my firmware in 3 hours or so. But the flashing itself takes like 10 minutes, as you may know.
Good luck! :)
holoz0r: The firmware for for my carrier linked there 404's. :(
Nobody wants to spend $15 to get a file in 10 minutes, lol.
holoz0r: I take that back.
They do have the firmware for my phone!
ETA 2Hours! THere is hope!
P0werage: Told ya! GL!
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1406888146 | 1406915420 | t3_2cbog8 | t5_2to41 | 135 | Shitmyselfthrow: TIFU on a first date by peeing out my butthole.
Throwaway cause... Cause I fucking shit my pants. Goddamnit.
Today I met a Tinder date- she works for an airline and flys standby to travel. We've been talking for a few weeks and she ended up stuck into town for the night, so we decided to meet for the first time for dinner and drinks.
I stole my parents car and I picked her up from the airport and took her to a great wine bar that serves dinner till midnight. We have 2 glasses of wine and food. We leave there and go to an awesome barcade. We drink, we play games, we kiss, we have a blast. I end up seeing another girl I've been talking to, but play if off as my buddies old girlfriend. Brilliant. All is well. But now it's time to take my Tinderella to the airport. Sadness.
We are on our way, and in the airport parkway. We have around 1 hour before she needs to check in. I have to pee - and that's ok because there's a specific parking lot to wait for a flight and they have bathrooms. But they're closed. No worries, I'm a guy, I can pee anywhere. So we pull over in this parking lot to a dim spot, and I step out.
I go to pee and as any guys know, I have to release some gas. Only... It's not gas, it's diarrhea. As I'm peeing, I literally pee out my butthole, fill my boxer briefs, and feel warm shit going down my leg. Fuck. I run back to the car to let my FIRST DATE know that I now have to go #2, in the portable toilet nearby. I run in there and release a brown stream out of my fucking anus. And there's no toilet paper. I used my shitty underwear to clean myself and discard it. I'm going commando now. But I smell like shit, literally.
I return to the car smelling of shit. She has to smell it, but she's being nice and not saying anything. I roll the windows down to let the fresh Houston breeze in. It's humid as fuck, there's no breeze. Oh well, better than smelling like SHIT. We get to her terminal and I park the car. We still have some time so I tell her I'd like to walk her in, and say goodbye, after I wash my hands.
After a fervent search for a bathroom. I clean up my asshole and legs as best I can and wash my hands with copious amounts of soap. I return and she is ready to leave a full half hour before she needs too. :( - I understand and she kisses me goodbye, but it's not the kind you'd imagine. She walks away, and I'm sure I'll never see her again.
Thing is - I'm a picky mother fucker, she is the first girl in a few years to impress me, and she's GORGEOUS and SMART. She's be in films, written books, is open minded, teaches fitness classes, travels the world, and KILLS it in an arcade. I'm fucked. Also I have to go pee out of my butthole again. Yeah, today, I fucked up.
yabluko: >As I'm peeing, I literally pee out my butthole, fill my boxer briefs, and feel warm shit going down my leg.
You literally urinated out your asshole?
Shitmyselfthrow: It was a stream. Of brown liquid. It had force, much like the pressure of when I pee out of my penis. As soon as it started, I knew it couldn't be stopped.
fullmarksdemello: >it was a stream
do you... know what "pee" means?
Shitmyselfthrow: Yes, I understand that urine did not actually come out of my anus. But until you have this experience, please don't question the analogy or the comparison. It was exactly was peeing felt like, but it was coming from the wrong orifice.
fullmarksdemello: >it was exactly was *[sic]* peeing felt like
do you... know what "literally" means?
Shitmyselfthrow: Yes. I misused the word and was defending the concept of what I felt.
fullmarksdemello: >Yes. I misused the word
Next time just say "sorry, sir, it won't happen again".
telepaper: You litteraly can't even, right?
Shitmyselfthrow: Hah! I see what you did there.
| 10 | 13.5 | |
1406890480 | 1406931787 | t3_2cbqgn | t5_2to41 | 175 | mr_phat_booty: TIFU by liking and commenting on a girl I like's video
Happened a while ago but still hilariously cringey. So I met a girl at my university who is in my course, she is a total nerd and crazy cute, imagine princess anna with dark red hair cute. Anyway for about 2 weeks I invested inhuman amounts of energy courting this girl until I finally asked her out. She said yes with a big smile so I knew I was on the right track. The date was average but not by any means a cause for disinterest.
The same night we're chatting on Facebook when she tells me she used to be a dancer and has videos on youtube. She links me several of her videos and I watch them and decide to like and leave a nice comment. What I failed to take into account was my username. Now as you know when someone comments on a video the owner is alerted with their username and comment. I created the account in 2011ish when I was still a disgusting teenager to bypass the age restrictions and as you may have already figured out, the name was not by any means sanitary.
She quickly lost interest when she realized I was "MrSuckySuckyA$$DickBall$". It took me 2 months to realize why she stopped talking to me.
cynicaljerkoff: From the look of your username here you didn't learn anything.
ihavesexdreamss: So says cynicaljerkoff lol
273748490102838374: How about me?
Poopensteine: **STEINSENBERG!**
| 5 | 35 | |
1406883576 | 1406904107 | t3_2cbkge | t5_2to41 | 16 | pocarisweat3: TIFU by wearing really tight pants to work.
I am a little guy (inb4 manlet detected) and have always struggled to find proper fitting clothes. I heard once that size 18 boys pants are a good fit for people like me.
I normally wear baggier pants and shorts but I just got a job and I wanted to look good. So, after donating plasma and running to wallmart I purchased size 16 black boy's Dickies. These pants worked great for the first 2 days of work but today they fucked me over.
Right now I live with my parents and have to ride a road bike 2 miles to get to work. I was in a little bit of a hurry so I pedaled really hard and kinda pinched my nutsack. I didn't think much of it and continued working even when the pain started.
After about 2 of my 4 scheduled work hours I am in serious pain. I have a way cute supervisor who I was trying to work an angle with and made some bullshit story about the laproscopy I had a couple years back maybe going bad. I keep trying to grit through the pain but it gets to a point where I become nauseous.
I throw the gluten free dough I am working on and rush up the stairs to the restroom. Door is fucking locked. I rush back down and my cool boss(hes a dude) is there and I tell him straight. He has me run up the stairs once again and unlocks the bathroom for me.
I shit for like a half hour from stress diarrhea and try to tug my now 2x sized righty away from my body to relieve the pain. It just makes it worse.
I get out of the bathroom and grab my phone. I called my mom to come pick me up and told her to hurry. My cool boss had already clocked me out and scheduled my 4th training day.
I then wait on the sidewalk for 20 fucking minutes until my madre finally shows up. She starts giving me shit and I tell her I need to go the doctor because I told my boss I would go. She asks me whats wrong with my voice and I scream "I'M IN FUCKING PAIN!!".
I, a 24 year old college educated white male, then got the shit beat out of me by my mother in the front seat of her Cadillac. She then told me if I wanted to go the doctor I would need to walk myself and I sure as shit was not using her insurance.
I finally got home and took some Ibuprofen and hopped in the bath. The swelling went down and from what I can decipher from my own shitty self diagnosis, I pinched my Epididymis and it swelled up really big.
**TLDR** Pinched my tubes while riding my bike and almost threw up in the gluten free dough in front of my hot boss.
I also threw away my cash card from the plasma center and I need to wait 2 weeks to get a new one in the mail.
soonershooter: Lol...get a car or a bigger bike....
Dinosoarman: Or different pants, perhaps?
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1406893004 | 1406914031 | t3_2cbsws | t5_2to41 | 271 | Jawadd12: TIFU by playing with a dildo [SFW~]
It was summer, and my brother's in-laws have invited my family to their lake house over the weekend. The in-laws are just a family of 3 plus a toddler who's the wife's nephew, or godson, we're a family of 4.
The in-laws had a schedule of activities, and all of our electronics were confiscated. It was our last night over there, we were gathered around a campfire, the plan was to camp and sleep under the stars (even though there weren't much stars visible in the sky, and they were camping 50 meters away from the house).
I volunteered to babysit the toddler (he was supposed to sleep in the house) because there was no space for me in the tent, so I was expected to sleep outside, with all the fucking geckos, ants and roaches crawling around.
I went inside the house with the toddler, the maid opened the door, she's a 60-70 year old Filipina. After putting the toddler to sleep in his cradle, I laid on the in-laws' bed (I was given the green light and it was so fucking comfortable, I don't care if it's the wrong thing to do, it was fucking marvelous and unmissable). *knock knock*, it was the maid, she wanted me to help her with her phone, she wanted me to set up her "free Internet phone calls program", I didn't understand what she really wanted, I set her up with an email, downloaded Skype and Viber. She left the room mid-process, she didn't come back for 20 minutes, it was 2am, I assumed she went to sleep.
Now.. we proceed to business, I was snooping around the room for my phone, 1st drawer *nothing*, 2nd drawer *nothing*, 3rd drawer *fucking gasp*....
**A dildo**. It was the first I've ever seen in my life, I was like what the fuuuuuuck! This is so cool.
I snooped around further for my phone, found nothing... so I helped myself with downloading snapchat on the maid's phone. Signed in, looked at all the snaps, there were so many, I was only gone for 2 days jeeze.. there a lot of new users too.. I don't really remember everyone's usernames, didn't look suspicious... opened a snap and HOLY SHIT IT'S A PICTURE OF A VAGINA.. it's from the girl I really liked that snapped and texted me all the time, we were really open with each other, she sends me almost-sensual things all the time, I must've leveled up! I took a video of me slapping the dildo on my face and pretending I didn't know what it was or how I used it (It's really funny for people with no sense of humor). It was one of the dildoes with a trigger that squirts whatever was inside, I pulled the trigger on my face, it was some sort of water with a scent of flowers (Thank God it wasn't anything else, that was really stupid of me..). I pretended to put it in my ass, put it in my nostril, in my ear, in my pants, out of my zipper, under my armpit, next to the toddler, poked him with it, balanced it on my head, etc.
After almost an hour of content of dildo humor being sent, I wasn't worried about screenshots, I trust the girl, I really really liked her and trusted her, and that vagina picture sealed the deal, I really thought we were a couple after that. BAM a fucking screenshot, the first she ever took, I said alright, it's okay, I know she wouldn't share it.
I put the dildo back in its place, deleted snapchat and it's search entry from the Android play store (I'm a very cautious man), and slid the phone under the maid's room door. I almost couldn't sleep thinking about her, but I eventually did.
Next morning, the maid's loud phone call woke me up, it wasn't the first time, she always shouts when she's on the phone. Toddler wasn't in the cradle. Went downstairs to check on my family, they were by the lake, toddler is there, cool. I made me some cereal, I noticed that the maid was using Skype, felt like a hero.
We packed our things, ready to leave, I was looking all around to see if I've left anything, the in-laws' door was locked, I knocked and asked if I can look around in case I left anything. *Come in*, I opened the door, the husband was plugging something into the TV, he explained that it was a nanny cam..
Nanny cam..
Nanny cam..
Nanny cam..
Fuck me in the ass and call me Betty..
He installed it to spy on the maid, he suspected she was stealing their things. I was fucking melting, I was nauseous from fear, I clenched my ass so hard from fear I was almost sucked in it.. a thousand scenarios played in my head in 5 seconds about me either killing them, or killing myself. I just said goodbye and left.
I ran to the car, my mom and dad weren't there, they were sitting with my bro and his wife, I took the key from them and pretended to be asleep in the car, didn't even run the engine so they wouldn't know that I'm there. I'm sweating like a fucking pig who snapchatted himself playing with a dildo and got nannycammed doing it!
My parents got in the car 15 minutes later, I was relieved at first, then thoughts were running in my head about them watching the video and being informed. 3 minutes later, on the road, my parents were chatting casually, that's a good sign. I "woke up", opened snapchat to check on my girl, that's the only thing that could possibly make me feel comfortable.
Half of the names that were in the maid's phone weren't in mine.Then I noticed something.
.
The videos I sent were totally a different person. I opened a snap from the user I sent the videos to, she took of a TV and wrote complete gibberish, nothing she wrote made sense. Opened other users' snaps, the new users, they all wrote complete gibberish.. oh shit.. they're writing in Filipino. I fucking imported the contacts from her phone, I sent the wrong person the snaps. Someone from the Philippines has a picture of me with a dildo on my head.
3 days later, woke up to find my family and the in-laws in my house. My mother was crying, the my brother's mother-in-law was crying, my Dad has the biggest look of disappointment on his face, the father-in-law has the biggest grimace on his face. I had a 2 hour lecture about privacy, maturity and whenever I tried to respond I got a big "SHUT UP", the father-in-law said "If it was anyone else I would've given a restraining order and you bet your butt that they'd be handled by the police and or court, but because you're a good boy and we know that you have a good family, we're gonna let it pass". That was a response to my response "I thought it was funny".
**TLDR**: Got nannycammed playing with a dildo, and someone in the Philippines has a picture of me playing playing.
quadrupleog: So wait a minute.... who did the vagina belong to??
Jawadd12: Apparently someone from the maid's contacts.
i_pk_pjers_i: Well... Was it nice?
Jawadd12: It's old, but it was running very well, she didn't have much apps on it. It's a Samsung duos something. Pretty clean and smooth.
i_pk_pjers_i: wat
Nessiah1: Dude...I hope everyone sees this exchange.
I'm at work LMAO, and everyone around me is wondering wtf. I had to take a deep breath and chill for 5 mins before I could even respond to this.
dr_jt: I just did the same damn thing. My God. That was brilliant funny.
Nessiah1: damnit...you got me going again. LOL
| 9 | 30.111111 | |
1406898460 | 1406899459 | t3_2cbz0e | t5_2to41 | 2 | koshjelly: TIFU by getting drunk by my fire pit.
themightysicko: Is that really fucking up? Cuz it sounds exactly like what I would do
koshjelly: It embarrasses me knowing I see/talk to these people everyday and now they have seen my urinating shlong, and I didn't even have the decency to at least turn around.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406895902 | 1406948342 | t3_2cbvz1 | t5_2to41 | 306 | tingle_time: TIFU by texting my boss that I have butt sex
This happened about a year ago, and when I finally came across this subreddit, I realized this would be the perfect place to tell this story.
This happened with my ex. We started having sex shortly into the relationship (she was my first and I was hers), and soon after having sex a bunch of times, we started experimenting with butt play. She had a big butt, and was eager to do it. And I was curious.
So, naturally, this spilled over into our texting, which was more sexting than it was texting. And we'd come up with all sorts of scenarios for our sexcapades.
One such scenario involved prison, that she and I would be cell mates. (I know this wouldn't happen, but in our sexting fantasies, it would have happened.) These conversations weren't immediate back and forth exchanges. I'd put my phone down or tend to something else, and then come back to it.
Then we came up with the line, "We'd be in prison, so we'd have to do it in the butt."
Send.
Something didn't feel right after I sent it, so I went and checked my phone. Much to my horror, I had sent it to my boss and several coworkers, with whom I had a group text about something at work, and that conversation was right on top of the one with my ex.
My boss sent me back, "WRONG NUMBER!!!" and left it at that. I arrived at work shortly after that, and fortunately, my beard concealed my red cheeks.
My ex and I never went to prison together, but we did have butt sex.
tl;dr: Told my boss over text that I have butt sex with my now ex.
the_last_hat: When you FINALLY came across thus subreddit? It's on the front page every day.
todiwan: It's not default.
imdwalrus: It actually is now (though probably wasn't when he made his account).
http://www.redditblog.com/2014/05/whats-that-lassie-old-defaults-fell.html
todiwan: Huh, yeah, I didn't notice when it happened, that this became default.
imdwalrus: That's the thing - unless you saw that blog post, you wouldn't ever know UNLESS you look at the front page while you're not logged in. Changing the defaults doesn't affect subscriptions for accounts that existed prior to the change, so I'd bet plenty of people didn't notice.
...which is why the initial "it's on the front page every day" that you replied to was stupid and sort of deserved the downvotes it got. :D
| 6 | 51 | |
1406897366 | 1406904332 | t3_2cbxnp | t5_2to41 | 27 | EwanWhoseArmy: TIFU By lending my teacher my tipex (Correction Fluid)
So many moons ago when I was in 6th form, I was one of only 4 kids who picked to study Chemistry to A-Level, anyway one of the teachers looked incredibly young and even though I am gay I could tell she was incredibly attractive, to the point where my Dad thought she was a student in the Parents Evening.
Anyway she was scribbling some stuff down when she must have made a mistake, realised her tip-ex was empty and then she asked if any of us had some, I did so I lent it to her, she did whatever with it and then chucked it back at me. Unfortunately for myself she didn't screw the cap on tight enough and the cap came off, and a load of white tip-ex spilt out into my crotch. I was in the closet at the time, and we had a uniform in VIth form as well so here was me in class with probably the most attractive female teacher in the school with white stains all around my crotch area.
She was incredibly embarrassed and felt awful and tried to use her Chemistry to whip up something to get it off, sadly it wasn't strong enough so I sulked off home, not before the entire frigging school heard about it.
Seriously I had gotten about 40 texts etc. from people saying "I can't believe you jizzed yourself in Chemistry" etc.
cobia_da_fish: Sounds like your teacher was the one who fucked up an you were the victim
EwanWhoseArmy: Well I fucked up by lending her the tipex
fishywishy1: As an American, what the Sam hell is Tipex?
EwanWhoseArmy: Correction fluid, liquid paper etc.
fishywishy1: Ah, yes. The good ol' "correct once and try not to rip it off."
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1406751096 | 1406921427 | t3_2c68cz | t5_2to41 | 8 | PulpFictionIsMyShit: TIFU by not grabbing my house key
(Some back story) I'm 5' 2". I walk to work because I like to, and my fiance picks me up after he gets home. So I never take my keys.
We also have a great dane mix we got from a local pound named Diesel. He's a very sweet dog. Loves giving kisses.
(Where I went wrong) So as any day, I leave for work. Lock the doors, tell Diesel to be a good boy, no doggy parties while I'm gone. Shut the door. Except I forgot my tag, which is my way to clock in and is required. But the doors are locked. I then remember I left a window unlocked. This window's above my shoulder heighth though. So I had to gather up every rock in our garden and make a hill, I then had to run, hit the "hill" and catapult myself over the window sill. I only made it half way to my chest. At that point I am hanging half in the window, half out; and here comes Diesel fresh from getting a drink of water. He promptly then begins to bathe my face for the rest of the 7 minutes it took to get the rest of body into the house. All the while yelling/laughing not to give me any more kisses.
I grabbed my tag and keys before I left.
TD;LR Don't grab keys, leave my tag for work inside, have to run and catapult myself into a tall-ass window. My dog slobbers all over my face.
[deleted]: This is one of the most pleasant/cute TIFUs I've ever read
PulpFictionIsMyShit: Thank you.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406900556 | 1406901772 | t3_2cc1u2 | t5_2to41 | 121 | digitag: TIFU by trying to be polite
I've got a rule, if I find myself trying to move through the same space as someone else I'll always offer that they go first. If the other person does the same thing I just say 'thank you' and accept their offer. I haven't got all day and one of us has to go right? I'm sure the other person cares as little as I do about who actually goes so better we get it done quickly.
I do however, have an exception to this rule. If I come across the same person again, I'll always insist that they go first, maybe even cheekily saying 'it's alright, you had the last one' to get things moving. It's usually just boring workplace politics, trying to keep a sense of balance so I don't feel like a dick and they don't feel superior over petty things (I am aware that my entire attitude is quite petty but oh well.)
Anyway this new guy has started and we had our first 'run in' a couple of days into his new job and we both did the polite thing and I ended up going first. It's about a week on and we had our next one today. So when we both insisted I gave him the cheeky 'you had the last one' line and he just said "No mate, I really must insist".
This threw me, because this normal exchange of common courtesy had suddenly turned into something aggressive. I really wanted to stick to my guns cos I didn't want him to have one up on me, it would be political suicide. He was really very insistent though so I decided I didn't care *that* much and pretty much resigned to yield.
Before I could,he goes "sorry mate, it's just... I have this rule"
I was gobsmacked. Not so much because he also had a rule but mainly because his rule was totally unreasonable. It was a rule intended to ensure his own glory. I suppose he'd say it was a rule to be selfless but it doesn't account for my similar desires.
I couldn't help myself. I started calmly explaining why his rule made no sense. "Surely you should want things to be equal?" I said, "maybe I want to be polite too". It was so frustrating. So told him, "Well I have a rule where I won't go first twice so I'm not moving". He was similarly stubborn and we stood there for like 10 minutes being children.
My boss comes out and asks us where we've been and the dude just goes "Digitag can tell you exactly why". Such a dick move. I totally froze and I was like, "I'd rather not discuss this now". Anyway my boss sent me home early and I've got to go in first thing tomorrow for a meeting to explain why I'm wasting company time.
I have no idea what to do. I think I'm just gonna come clean about what happened but knowing how petty it is, it's gonna be fucking shameful. I'd like to think that I can charm my boss cos we've worked together a while and are on fairly good terms but I have no idea what that guy has said in the meantime.
Fuck it, got the rest of the afternoon off Im heading to the pub.
LuckyNumbrXIII: This is so british, I just grew mutton chops.
Mathwiz100: Nah man. It was so Canadian I broke my leg and got it fixed for free.
LuckyNumbrXIII: Gobsmacked? Canadian?
Mathwiz100: Yeah that threw me for a loop, but the arguing over wanting to be polite is most certainly Canadian
LuckyNumbrXIII: Perhaps British Colombian.
Mathwiz100: Ooh perhaps
| 7 | 17.285714 | |
1406888025 | 1406935512 | t3_2cbocp | t5_2to41 | 20 | nicolascage123: TIFU By eating Microwavable Macaroni and Cheese and watching The Ring.
One of my favorite foods is microwavable mac and cheese. Usually the Banquet or the Michelina's stuff. They cost less than 5 bucks each, they are fucking delicious, and they probably reduce my life expectancy by 5 days a pop. But damn, I'm addicted. This was a Sunday, so I was going to relax, eat some of my favorite food, and watch a movie. I decided I would watch the Ring! I hadn't seen it in a while, and it was one of my favorite movies.
The movie was just starting, so I decided that I should make the mac and cheese as it started. I popped the tray out of the microwave, and put it down on the counter. Browsed Reddit a bit on my phone, letting it cool down. Now my house has some old electricity, and I would often get small power outages, so you'd expect it to be normal. Not when I was listening to the Ring.
Unfortunately, I am a bit of a scaredy cat, so I was a bit jumpy. The microwave is almost directly to the left of the basement door, which was always open because of my cat that dwelled there. At that point, the Mac and Cheese was still quite hot. All of the sudden the electricity goes out, and the room is dark. "No problem" I think to myself. Then I hear something coming up the stairs of the Basement. I'm sure in my mid that it's my cat, but I'm scared enough to run into the living room.
The lights come on as I turned the corner into my living room, still having blistering hot mac and cheese in hand. Just because it isn't dark, doesn't mean I'm not scared. Since I had not seen the movie for so long, I forgot about the huge screamer in the beginning. Immediately as I get vision of the television, the screamer happens. Being next to the tv, and the soundbar on a higher volume, you can imagine how much it scared me.
I screamed as loud as I possibly could, jumping up and flailing my hands. My shin hits the corner of the table in front of the couch. Hard. I fall down, face first into the carpet. Into the mac and cheese. I stand up, blood covering a good portion of my shin, and half a tray of blistering hot cheese covering my face. Still screaming, I limp-run into the kitchen and stick my face into the sink, turning on the water. It was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. I still eat microwavable mac and cheese, but never near furniture or horror movies.
**TLDR:** Screamer caused me to smash my shin into a table and fall face first into blistering hot mac and cheese
Mathwiz100: If you had managed to die from all this, it would make a hilarious episode of CSI
Xaxxus: I can just imagine the flashback scenes when they are trying to figure out what happened.
DynaTheCat: So, the killer was the creepy psychopath neighborhood serial stalker?
Nope! Banquet Mac n Cheese.
| 4 | 5 | |
1406901518 | 1406926725 | t3_2cc389 | t5_2to41 | 385 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading my girlfriend's text messages to her ex.
I've always had a hunch that something was going on with her ex. She says they're "just friends", but this guy eye-fucks her when they're around one another and she's totally okay with it. Something just never sat right with me. I talked to her about it and she denied that anything was going on between them. I asked her if they flirted with each other and she said, "Maybe. It could be considered flirting." WTF?
So... while she was showering, I was looking at her phone to see what app she was using to play Earthbound with and happen to see that she had a missed text from her ex.
I opened it...
In their conversation, she was talking about getting a passport to go and visit him (he's out of the country at the moment) and she was telling him how cute he was. She said that she hasn't talked to him since he left, yet their conversation was from two days ago. She was flirting with him ON MY BIRTHDAY. When he asked her if she was going to go visit him she said, "Maybe if you let me see that picture again I might be more convinced." WTF?
She doesn't even tell me that I'm cute... and when was she going to go see him?
So now I know that she's lying to me and they're making plans to be together behind my back. But I can't call her on her bullshit because they only way that I could say that I know she's lying is if I confess to spying on her. No matter what, I'm the asshole here even though she's the one lying. I'm still the bad guy for invading her privacy.
What do I do? I fucked up...
**EDIT:** Thank you, everyone, for the kind and encouraging words. I'm going to talk to her today and see where this goes. I know what needs to be done, I just hope that I have the courage to do it when the time comes. I still want to go on my vacation. Maybe we can be civil enough to get through it and go our separate ways after.
**UPDATE:** We talked it out. She agreed to let me see the texts, but I told her that I didn't need to and that I was just testing her. I told her that I know that something is up and that she's not into me, or at least not into me enough to warrant being with me exclusively. She denied anything going on and said that I was being paranoid. I told her that we're obviously not at the same place emotionally and that it isn't going to work. She seemed more angry than sad. But whatever. It's done. I'm done. Today sucks. I'll be okay. Thanks, everyone.
hairy_butt_creek: I'm going to try to knock some sense into you. It may hurt, but I've been there bro. Exact same story, except I confronted her the day I read her texts.
First, you didn't fuck up. She did. Also you sound young. I'm in my mid-30s and done this dance a few times. You'll be fine.
You may love her. She does not love you. Seriously, it's harsh but true. If she loved you like you loved her then she would not be planning to visit her ex behind your back. She wouldn't lie to you. She wouldn't send him pictures of her.
It's over. There is no salvaging the relationship. It's up to you to be a fucking man and cut ties. It'll suck at first, but over time it gets better. Focus on yourself. Gym, school, just something that improves you as a person.
She is merely with you now because she is the type of woman that has to be with someone and not be single. As soon as the gets the chance she will bail on you to be with another man. Then, she'll be with that man for a bit and she'll bail on him to be with another man.
She may find a man that she loves, but when women can not be single and jump from one relationship to the next that's a huge red flag.
She doesn't love you, and instead of breaking up with you, she's simply waiting for a new man to latch on to.
She will be very upset when you break up with her, but she will not be upset at losing you. She will be upset because she is afraid to be alone. If you buy into her bullshit about how she loves you, how she wants to be with you and you take her back she will simply be with you until she is interested in another man and the cycle will repeat.
There is no acceptable solution besides breaking up with her, and cutting all ties. If you do not do that then you will be in for a much harder time in the future because you will be burned by this woman.
GotToLoseIt: > She may find a man that she loves, but when women can not be single and jump from one relationship to the next that's a huge red flag.>
Really curious about this bit in specific. Can you expand on why it's a red flag etc?
Avoiceofr3ason: It's a red flag because it causes the woman to hastily jump into any relationship she can find without thinking far into it.
- Woman-A meets man-A.
- Woman-A starts dating man-A.
- Woman-A sees man-B.
- Woman-A likes man-B more than man-A.
- Woman-A doesn't want to break off the relationship with man-A in case things with man-B don't work out, because she doesn't want to be alone for any amount of time. She would rather jump from man-A directly to man-B and not have any amount of time where she doesn't feel cared for. So she stays with man-A until she's sure man-B is into her or she finds her true love, man-C instead.
She could have casually dated and eventually found man-C without getting into any actual relationship however her need for attention wouldn't allow her. That's the red flag.
*Edited for list format. Sorry new to posting.
NormalGuy1234: Good EILI5 version!
| 5 | 77 | |
1406893644 | 1406981493 | t3_2cbtk4 | t5_2to41 | 22 | HornyJizzMaster: TIFU by jerking one out next to my cousin
So I'm staying with my cousin for a few days and resolved that no masturbation will take place in the time i was there.
This resolve lasted about 6 hours.
In the very early hours of the day I decided I had to unleash the milky beast. I didn't have an extraction place for the substance but I was too focused on the main objective to consider it.
So as I entered phase 1 of the plan (acquiring footage) my cousin was tossing and turning (he was on the bed, parallel to me on the floor) which spooked me enough that I decided it was too risky to use my hands so phase 2 would be a bit harder.
Phase 2 (sausage stroking) became a war of friction between my member and the sheet below. A war I was losing after a solid 10 minutes of gyrating. I abandoned all caution and sent the five finger squad to finish the mission. I propped up my right knee to make less noise and went to town. Just as I released the beast I heard my cousin mumble something that sounded like "(redacted), stop doing that".
Shit shit shit shit shit I've been busted busting one out. I dropped my phone and dived for cover under the sheets. After a quick panic I considered sleep talking to be a possibility as he used to sleep walk but now was the hard part, phase 3.
Phase 3 (extraction) had absolutely no planning and I was very cared at this point so I did what no rational man would do, I wiped it on the underside of his bed. Sadly one glob of it was stuck between my thumb and forefinger and my next logical step was to try and eat it. Yep I know. So smart. However it was futile as it was still there.
Then i wiped it on my shirt, probably should have done that first.
I woke up with only a vague recollection and pretended I was asleep until he left. I checked under the bed and a magical old shirt has appeared exactly where I wiped it off. I'm convinced he knows but I'm going to keep a poker face for now.
[deleted]: i've said this more than a few times, but i've never meant it more.
this is total bullshit. none of this happened. you're lying for karma.
16inchesWithWax: Self posts don't give any karma, only links and comments do, but yeah, it is probably bullshit
[deleted]: well i did not know that. so, i learned something today. he's just lying for attention then
HornyJizzMaster: Sadly not made up, but I wish I could say it was.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1406895848 | 1406915260 | t3_2cbvxa | t5_2to41 | 16 | mimicryinc: TIFU by slathering peppermint oil directly on my vulva.
Was having some pain/irritation down there all day. So, I decided to mix a few drops of peppermint oil with jojoba oil and apply with a qtip. The result was soothing, but not as great of a relief as I'd wanted.
So, I decided to put a few drops of peppermint oil on the qtip and apply.
Hmm okay. Tingling. Ow.
Ow.
Ow. Ow.
OOWWWW.
Fucking fuck shit fuck fuck ooow motherfucking
Ice.
Ow.
Perfect end to a great week.
Says1stCandidThought: Surely there has to be some sort of FDA approved ointment for your irritation/pain down there!
mimicryinc: I use a few, but they were't very effective, and were throwing things off kilter.
Says1stCandidThought: If you don't mind me asking what exactly is the medical problem down there?
mimicryinc: I honestly don't know. Based on my symptoms it's just unexplained vulvodynia. There's no signs of anything else going on that I can tell. It's probably a result of my cycle (like my back pain).
I should probably go to a physician, but there's no obvious signs of irritation or infection that I'd be able to show them...
Says1stCandidThought: It could be an STD. Not all STDs show obvious signs of infection. You should probably get tested just to rule that out. Do you have insurance or live in an area with government provided health care? If not you might want to look up a free clinic in your area.
mimicryinc: I'm not sexually active, unless there's an std you can pick up from public toilets.
And a doctor's visit would put put me way in the red. I'm documenting this though, in case it shows up again or gets worse.
Says1stCandidThought: Ok, I wish I was a doctor that way I could be of more help. I hope things get better for you down there.
mimicryinc: lol thanks :)
| 9 | 1.777778 | |
1406899664 | 1406936573 | t3_2cc0ld | t5_2to41 | 145 | SirWalrusIV: TIFU dick pic on snapchat...
Alright, so this happend to me in febuary. I recently moved to another country to work and I got employed in a fairly small company. Working there for two weeks I had to go back home for a week as I had planned that trip before I got employed.
Anyhow, when I was back home during this week I had started snapchatting with a girl and she started sending pics of herself and I thought I might aswell do it myself. So I start sending pictures and being overly careful **NOT** to send it to someone else than her. After a while she sent totally nude pictures and I figured I should send a dick pic, why not right?
Well, being incredibly overwhelmed by what would happen next, I pressed send and noticed just like a flash that I accidentally sent it to someone else. So I opened to see who it was... Turns out it's one of my collegues that I recently started working with. As if that wasn't enough the text over my raging boner said "babe you make me so horny <3"... I panicked, the feeling took over me like a demon possessing me or something.
I try to find some solution, and I google "how to get back un-opened snaps" the only thing I get out of this is basically **you're fucked**. I run down to my brothers room wakes him up and explains everything - it's now been 1½ hours of frantic searching for something to help me remove this snap from hell - all he does is laugh like a maniac and makes me panic even more. Through his laughter he manages to push out "I... think... you have to... BAHAHAHA... call him."
So I do. I wake him up in the middle of the night and explain the entire situation, that it was ment to be sent to a chick I was talking to and not him. Not a single word was spoken from him. When I finished explaining all he did was just hang up on me.
When I got back to work, where I'm still employed, was the most awkward moment of my life. He just enters my office and says "next time, make sure you send to the right person."
I just wanted to disappear into the ground.
TL:DR - sent a dick pick to my colleague where I had only worked for two weeks.
WettestNoodle: At least your work colleague was male.
SirWalrusIV: Trust me, in a situation like that you don't really think like that. I forgot to mention that my colleague is the CEO's son..
Tony_11: That's one way to move up the ladder
copedipper96: Maybe hes gay
Says1stCandidThought: And now he feels rejected.
SirWalrusIV: They are actually investing in me... Hmm, there is something very odd here. **Plot twist** Turns out they are huuuge bukkakke fanatics.
[deleted]: Under skills on your CV did you list that you ejaculate unusually large volumes of semen?
| 8 | 18.125 | |
1406901410 | 1406910069 | t3_2cc32q | t5_2to41 | 9 | newboobusername: TIFU by making a troll facebook profile and forgetting about it
flamingtoastjpn: This is blatantly fake, nobody from the bank is going to search on on Facebook
tobobo36: Actually it's a done thing nowadays. When ever you apply for a job or are proving identity without papers it's pretty common shit. OPs situation is a little out there and different but definitely plausable. I don't get you "callin it's fake, yo full of shit" people. Just downvote and move the fuck along.
flamingtoastjpn: If you can show me an example of a bank denying someone access because of a Facebook account, I will take these comments and shove them up my ass.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406904141 | 1406925386 | t3_2cc77l | t5_2to41 | 7 | TinyPurpleElephant: TIFU by going to the gym
ThatCreepyStalker: Always start with a walk and then jog. It's so much better to get your heart rate up then jog. Make sure to stretch even before the walk. Proper exercise is half form and knowing what you are doing, the other half is effort.
TinyPurpleElephant: Thanks! I appreciate the tips *^_^* I'm 6' and 200lbs so I could do to lose a pound or two, and tips are really really helpful! :)
ThatCreepyStalker: I'd bet you're beautiful the way you are. The real goal I'd set isn't losing weight but getting fit. Being able to jog for an hour non stop is a good goal. Set goals for your self not for others like losing weight. That will come on its own.
TinyPurpleElephant: gawsh, you're so helpful- I bet you'd know if I was beautiful or not (referencing your name here, not being creepy)
I used to do about 20 minutes of sprinting but I have heart problems now so running is... weird to say the least... something I should probably go to the doctor for...
ThatCreepyStalker: Yea please get that checked out. We have few enough good people in this world as is without losing others early in their life. Take it step at a time literally. I don't even know but I'm gonna be thinking of you each work out now and hopping you're still doing ok! :D most of all keep being happy and nice!
TinyPurpleElephant: Hahah how do you know I'm a good people? I could be wicked and mean >:) but yeah, I'll get it checked out, I've got it looked at before, they couldn't find anything- I'm thinking actually it COULD be cause I don't work out much, and my heart is weak (sad face) and so working out MIGHT help make it strong (like bull).
Thanks for the positive feedback! *^_^* you're a darling.
| 7 | 1 | |
1406904576 | 1406958541 | t3_2cc7zc | t5_2to41 | 9 | Xaxxus: TIFU By hitting a kid in the head with a baseball bat
So this happened like 10-15 years ago...
Anyways I was on a kids baseball team when I was younger and it was not a game day. We practiced at a local park that had baseball diamonds. It was in between batting practice and most people were off eating/drinking etc...
Being the overachiever I was, I decided that i would continue to practice my batting.
About after about 15 min, I decide to go get some food. But just for good measure I will take one more swing of the bat. As I bring it back behind me I hear a loud "clonk" sound. I turn around thinking "wtf was that" and see a kid on the ground with that "I am about to fucking cry as loud as I possibly can look".
He starts wailing and his mom comes running over and screaming at me. Next my parents come over and start screaming at me too for not paying more attention. Next the mother starts threatening to sue my parents if the kid has any head injuries.
I am only 7 or 8 at the time so i start crying because of the whole situation.
TLDR Irresponsible parent lets toddler wander off on its own at a baseball teams practice. I decide to continue practicing on my own after rest of the team goes for a break. Kid sneaks up behind me while I am practicing and I hit him in the head with my bat.
Varon1178: A little brain damage never hurt anyone
Dinosoarman: Except for me.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406908399 | 1406945587 | t3_2ccej4 | t5_2to41 | -221 | picklesandchard: TIFU by sending a sexy text to my girlfriend instead of the girl I'm cheating with
[deleted]: You wanted to spare her feelings or you're just selfish???
You'll get what you deserve dick drip
picklesandchard: She doesn't want to know about how I get my relief. It's not like I could just go without sex, that's not fair to ask.
available_username2: if it's so unfair of her to ask, and so reasonable for you to get some on the side, then why not tell her. After all it's just the fair thing for you to be doing.
picklesandchard: Because she'd rather not know
available_username2: she'd rather not know, or she'd rather you didn't do it?
picklesandchard: I hjonestly believe she wants to be with me. But she'd hate knowing about Tula. So she gets both things she wants.
available_username2: but she honestly wants to be with you while you are faithful to her, or to be with you while you are sleeping with someone else?
picklesandchard: I know she'd hate the idea but if she never knows about it she won't have to suffer at all and I can still be a good boyfriend. It just seems like the best way for this relationship to shake out
available_username2: so what you're saying is you honestly think she would rather be with you while you are sleeping with someone else than not be with you at all. However it's not really fair of you to make that decision for her (and as others have said it seems unlikely to be true).
picklesandchard: I think we just have different but equally valid perspectives. I made a choice and I'm completely okay with it. Just - TIFU.
RagingPigeon: No, you do not have 'equally valid perspectives'. available_username2 has correctly analyzed the situation, you have not.
picklesandchard: eh is that true? both are ways to operate, neither is objectively wrong or immoral. no one is perfectly honest with their SO.
RagingPigeon: Quit with your bullshit. *You are knowingly lying about cheating on your girlfriend when you know that she doesn't want you to be doing that in the relationship*. At what point, pray tell, do you consider something like that to have crossed the line into "objectively immoral" territory? You and I both know, as does everyone here, that when you throw out lines like "neither is objectively wrong or immoral" that all you're doing is making a transparent attempt at hiding behind semantics instead of facing the fact that you're a liar and a cheater who's doing an immoral thing. No one is falling for it.
>no one is perfectly honest with their SO.
More weaseling, you weasel. When you say "perfectly honest" you're trying to paint the issue as though someone who tells their SO that they mowed the back lawn a week ago but really it was a week and a half ago isn't being "perfectly honest", ergo no one is, ergo it's fine for you to cheat. No. Just no. Quit being a fucking weasel. There absolutely is a minimum threshold of honesty that everyone expects someone else in a relationship to have, well below "perfectly honest", and cheating violates that threshold, and no, cheating is not a perfectly normal thing that everyone does.
picklesandchard: Last comment of the evening. I have to be honest. We all have short lives and I want everything I can get. I'll do my best not to knowingly harm people I care about along that journey. But I'm not going to turn down sex with a beautiful woman no matter my situation. As long as it doesn't impact my normal life.
| 15 | -14.733333 | |
1406908416 | 1406911291 | t3_2ccekb | t5_2to41 | 9 | tomoa: TIFU by going to a super load concert without ear protection.
Actually, this happened a few days ago. I went to a concert thinking it was going to be outside and not really that loud (friends invited me as a last minute thing). Well it was inside and SUPER LOUD. Oh my GOD my ears were in physical pain the entire time. And we weren't even close to the front. I couldn't even enjoy myself because I was wincing the whole time from having my ears pounded and knowing that it was probably fucking up my hearing.
It's been three days and my ears are still ringing. Which means it's probably permanent. FUCK. FUCK all you idiots who make concerts so unnecessarily FUCKING loud. I couldn't even really discern the music I was hearing, it was just a huge wall of maxed out distorted sound. But most importantly, fuck myself for being such an idiot as to not bring ear plugs. Part of me didn't want to look like a "dork" because I know no one else I was gong with was going to wear them. Well that's fucking weak on my part. Fuck them if they would've made fun of me and fuck me for caring. I will ALWAYS wear ear protection to concerts from now on. It's unfortunate that I only learned my lesson after it caused (probably) permanent damage.
[deleted]: Came to see the super load...
tomoa: TIFU by writing 'load' instead of 'loud', thus rendering my post irrelevant.
[deleted]: It's all good... Got my attention!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406907601 | 1406998960 | t3_2ccd57 | t5_2to41 | 84 | [deleted]: TIFU by participating in an office jalapeño eating contest
Yeah yeah - happened years ago. Most good stories do, and it isn't until you read a really awesome one that you remember one of your own. Anyway..
At the time, I worked for a pretty large corporation. We had an annual "Employee Appreciation Week" every year. Each day of that week had a particular theme associated with it, and on that day, activities were planned (along with daily Sudoku puzzles) that revolved around that theme. I usually didn't partake in those things, as I was always "assholes & elbows" busy at work.
One morning, I read the daily email that was circulated surrounding the themed day's activities, and saw something about a jalapeño eating contest. I love spicy food, and can generally tolerate things that kill most folks. The prize for winning was an Ipod. I didn't really care for the Ipod, but thought maybe I could just eBay or CraigsList it if I won. I emailed the girl that was running it, and got myself signed up.
Late morning, I went over to the lobby where they were holding the contest. There was a pretty huge crowd gathered, and the participants were all standing behind a large folding table with bowls full of peppers directly in front of them. The rules were simple. Eat the pepper, chew completely, swallow it, and then open your mouth to prove that you ate it. After that, you had to stand there and do nothing for a full minute. Milk was on-hand to drink if things got too hot, but if you took a drink - you were out.
I looked at my competition. There were a few people I had never met, along with a paraplegic who prided himself on being completely numb in the mouth (we will call him Bob) - and frequently boasted about being able to eat anything. The crowd consisted of a very large number of my peers, of whom I worked with on a daily basis.
The contest began, and I began eating. My first FU became readily apparent - I didn't eat breakfast at ALL that morning, and it was right before lunch. I was starving. I ate a pile of Tums right before heading over there hoping that it would give me some kind of advantage. I would soon learn, that it would not. Anyway, I had two peppers down, and things were going pretty well. Half the people bowed out quickly. Two more peppers went down, and the contestants thinned out to Bob, myself, and somebody who I had never met. One more pepper is consumed, and I am sweating like a whore in church. It was hot, but still well under my threshold. Bob bows out, and shoots me a disgusted look.
It was down to new guy, and me. We consume about 4 (give or take - things are pretty blurry at this point) more peppers. I look over at him, and his face is red, the veins are popping out of his face, his eyeballs are bulging, and he looks like he is going to shower me in his brain matter after his head explodes. I must have looked pretty bad too, as when I looked back at the crowd, they were all looking at ME (not new guy) with great concern. I felt kind of bad, but still had some fight left. We eat a couple of more.
At that point, I felt like I had crossed over the event horizon of a black hole. I have a belly full of seeds, capsaicin, and other unimportant plant matter that suddenly.. turned into an alien that was made of lava, that was trying to forcefully dig its way out of my sternum. I looked over at the other guy, and he was on his knees, but hadn't bowed out yet. At this point, the Ipod no longer mattered. All that mattered to me now was winning this thing. My (full office attire) was drenched in sweat, the ringing in my ears was drowning out all other sound, and my mouth felt as if I'd been gargling Drano for the last hour. I was completely wrecked, and if I lost now - it would all be for nothing.
What did I do? I just stood there.. staring blankly at the guy. The folks in the crowd just started to get quiet. The looks of concern started turning into something a bit more urgent. I knew I was close, all I had to do was exist.. just for a couple of more minutes. The guy looks up at me, and fucking STANDS UP. They serve us another round of peppers, and that POS eats another one. I couldn't believe he was even conscious - let alone eating more peppers. My heart starts to palpate from the intestinal pain, and I knew that I had to either put that fire out - or die.
For some odd reason, a scene from Mythbusters came to mind at that moment. It was the episode where they were trying to prove / disprove things that would kill the heat from eating things spicy? Anyway, the one thing that my brain wanted right now, was BREAD. After receiving instructions from what parts of my brain were still working, my feet make a mad dash for the cafeteria. It was on the second floor, and the lobby (obviously) was not. I stumbled up the stairs, because - fuck the elevator right now, and made it into the cafeteria.
It was packed full of people. I was barely able to stand, and the instant I made it inside, people stopped talking and stared at me like Sasquatch had arrived. I could barely see at this point, but somehow managed to spot a loaf of bread sitting benignly on top of the salad bar, and clumsily staggered over to it. The crowd of people parted like the Red Sea - between me at that loaf of bread. I hungrily grab the loaf and stagger over to the soda fountain that was in the middle of the cafeteria, and collapse in front of it. I sat up and started cramming slice after slice into my mouth (which I could no longer feel). Somebody walking in could have mistaken me for a toddler that just found a bag of cookies in the kitchen - except that I have facial hair, am wearing a tie, and am 6'2". I sat there under the fountain with my legs out sitting squarely against the pedestal with the loaf of bread between my legs.
Not a single person walked up to me to ask what was wrong. They just stepped over me.. like a corpse in Rio. I don't know how long I was there, but after enough neurons were firing properly again, I realized that the fire in my guts was out, I was no longer sweating, and that I was sitting on the floor in the office cafeteria covered in shards of bread - in front of a quarter of the facility.
I calmly stood up, brushed myself off, put the uneaten portion of the loaf of bread back, and then casually made my way to the checkout line to pay for the pieces of bread that I had eaten. Folks weren't staring at my like they were before, and slowly started to resume what office folks normally do during lunch. The checkout lady asked if I was "ok". I nodded, paid, and started to slowly walk back towards my desk.. in complete and utter defeat.
On the way there, Satan reawakened in my stomach. It wasn't the same dark angel that was in there before - this was was less hot, and quite a bit more urgent. I altered my course and decided to hit the bathroom to see what I could do about it. I sat down to shit, and to my complete dismay - things weren't going down, but trying to come back up.
I stood up, and proceeded to paint the bowl, the wall, and the floor with this green/brown sludgy pungent ectoplasmic goo. One thing folks need to realize when eating spicy food, is that if it's hot going in, it will be hot coming out. I stood there and wretched for a very long time, and went back into now-familiar that capsaicin-induced brain fog. All I could think about now as puking. My life involved puking. I was born on this earth to puke, and puke I will. As I was coming towards the end, my head cleared, and I noticed some expensive looking shoes standing on the floor directly in front of the stall I was decorating. I heard "Dude, are you ok?". At the time, I thought I could speak clearly, as I could now think clearly. I obviously didn't have a full grasp of the damage that was done.
My brain compiled the words it was attempting to say. My brain sent the signal to my mouth to say: "Oh, I am just fine good sir. You see, I was just involved in a rather unfortunate jalapeño eating contest - of which, I lost. I am now purging what remains of my defeat in an effort to simply survive. I will be just fine in a few minutes. Don't worry!" What came out wasn't my voice - it was Satan's. All it said (in the deepest raspiest tone you can imagine in a bathroom) was "Fine. Jalapeño.. eating.. contest.."
He started laughing and said "Ok", and left. I finished my business, cleaned up, and went back to my desk. I did not have lunch, but I did manage to finish out the rest of the day. From what I hear, the other guy had to go home early - so at least I have that.
TL;DR: Lost at jalapeño eating contest, ate half a loaf of bread in front of a large number of coworkers, threw up, stayed at work.
barnacledoor: i opened this post, saw the length and almost closed the window. nothing could be interesting enough in here to read all of that mess. but something told me i should give it a shot and i'm glad i did. great story.
it makes you wonder if hot peppers could cause permanent damage.
KatanaMayCry: For some reason, I got you tagged as "Fap Advisor"
barnacledoor: Lol. What a thing to be known as.
| 4 | 21 | |
1406909646 | 1406938864 | t3_2ccgp7 | t5_2to41 | 104 | FuckingSailorMouth: TIFU by putting a roof over a homeless man's head.
Background info: I work at a condominium in Atlanta. I'm a master of the custodial arts, as well as my brother. My 50 year old dad's best friend since elementary school is my immediate boss and my dad runs the entire 26 story high rise.
When cleaning the gym windows, I peered out and noticed an older, black homeless man shuffling with a large duffel bag. He crossed the street, laid down the duffel, and recrossed to fetch two more bags and a trash bag filled with clothes. This man was a regular. At the same exact time every day, he performed the same monotonous routine and as time wore on you could see he was beginning to struggle more and more.
I had always been interested in the man's story so when I saw him from the window, I rushed down to the lobby, grabbed a tent in a small bag that my boss had found, and ran out to meet him. I called out. "Sir? Sir!"
Startled and more than likely shocked that someone was giving him attention, he looked back at me. "Do you want to keep this tent? I have no use for it", I inquired. His eyes lit up and a slight smile appeared on his face. I had made his day with a gesture so simple. He gladly accepted the tent and vigorously shook my hand in sheer appreciation. A tear leaked from his cold sorrowful eyes. Those eyes had seen many things, but never such kindness toward a stranger. To me, it was a small act of kindness. For him, it was a home. The entire event took less that 3 minutes...
It was then that I recieved a text from my dad: GET TO MY FUCKING OFFICE NOW
He called me and started questioning me and bitching me out about how I had stopped working and the windows weren't being cleaned. That I wasn't being paid to be a godsend, rather a laborer and how people like that homeless man are scum and to leave them alone. I hung up and reported to the president's oval office.
First question: You're about to get fired. You're not working (stopped for less three minutes to run and give a homeless man a roof over his head)and you disrespected my Do you even fucking WANT to work here??
I hated the job, didn't get along with my superiors and was tired of cleaning up after ungrateful, wealthy, complaining slobs. I was also tired of my dad's self centered attitude. All that mattered was work and if he was content.
I looked him dead in the eyes and responded.
"No."
He was shocked. He was under the impression that I was going to fight to keep that job. No sirree!
He says, "Well what do you want me to do about it?"
"I quit"
"Just like that??"
"Most definitely."
I was on the verge of getting fired for helping someone out. So I quit.
Today, I was told I fucked up. What an ads hole I am.
TL;DR - Gave a homeless man a tent, damn near got fired so I quit.
RoscoeBeezy: I think I know where you work. Or used to.
FuckingSailorMouth: I'd be surprised haha
RoscoeBeezy: Otp or itp
FuckingSailorMouth: Children's museum of Atlanta AKA Museum Tower
Fake_DJ: Sound evil when you say "MUSEUM TOWER"
| 6 | 17.333333 | |
1406909663 | 1406912303 | t3_2ccgq0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by banging a chick in the kitchen minutes after banging her best friend in the bedroom.
Well my best friend's girlfriend invited over her co-worker (they are bartenders) to hang out at their house. I have flirted back and forth with this co-worker before. We will call her "M". We are drinking and having a good time and I know M is slutty and I can seal the deal if I just wait out the evening (I have never slept with her before). Well M decides she wants to go out tonight and calls her best friend. We will call her "K". K is very attractive and better looking than M. I have never met K before but she gave me the what I call the "fuck me eyes" when I meet her. After a little bit K figures out that M and I have something going on so I thought that was the end of that. Myself, M and K walk over to the local bar and proceed to get hammered. My best friend and his girlfriend stay home.
2am rolls around and M decides she wants us to go back to her house. We get in a taxi, I am so drunk that I do not pay any attention really of where we go. (I have never been to M's house before) We hang out for a bit, have another drink and M goes out to walk her dog. K and I are left in the kitchen, she gives me the I want to fuck you right now look again. We make out for a min until we hear the door open and we back away quickly. I felt obligated to M so we go back into her room and start going at it.
Im not really feeling it. M is dull in the sack and had a bush, which just kills it for me. I get bored and say I need to drink some water. I go into the kitchen. I am still naked and at full attention. I look over and K is on the couch watching TV. I motion to her to come into the kitchen which would be more hidden since its around the corner from the bedroom. We start going at it. Nice body, perfect smooth down below, very nice. Well then I hear the bedroom door open. I jump away, (I had no clothes to pull up) and walk back into the bedroom and lie down. M sees K naked, K was not quick in trying to hide it. next I hear GrandmasterT!! Get your shit and get out. I dress and come out M says you need to leave. I said ok since I really had no defense.
I step outside and realize I don't know where I am. So I said well I will call my best friends girlfriend and they will come get me. Rings once, phone dies. So I walk back into the house, I said can you please call (best friend's girlfriend) she said no, Im not going to wake them up. I begged a little and got the 'there is a gas station down the road fuck you.' Its 2:45 or so in the am. I have lived in this area my whole life so I thought I would just start walking until I could figure out where I was. Well being that drunk I didn't figure out I was walking the wrong way for about an hour. I realized that the beach should be on my right side. There are no taxis, this is residential area and beach with an AFB nearby. Its deserted. There are no open gas stations in the direction I walked. Well by 5:30am after jogging as much as I could and getting rejected by a newspaper guy for a ride, I reach an open gas station. Call my buddy, luckily he answered. He pulls up and I tell him the story and he laughs. Says 'you banged two chicks and didn't bust one nut'. Cause I never finished with either chick. His girlfriend said her co-worked should have known 'never to bring another hoe to the show'. There are lots of details I left out. Just don't want to write a novel.
TLDR banged one chick then her friend, got caught, got kicked out and got lost.
[deleted]: Young grasshopper, while you are good, you were not good enough to get them in the sack at the same time. You should have planted that seed earlier in the night and let it grow.
HiDefFX: Vodka works better than water in this "planting" scenario
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406911405 | 1406949098 | t3_2ccjw1 | t5_2to41 | 69 | SubversiveIQ: TIFU by re-posting an article on FaceBook. It turned out to be about my friends kid.
TIFU when I saw an article in the local paper which said "Naked Teen on LSD Found In Street, 3 Arrested." I re-posted it on fb, basically saying "Back in the day when we dropped acid, we could handle our shit. Fucking amateurs." It kinda went viral, with people commenting on the old days and how we used to party, etc. More or less saying these chumps just couldn't handle their drugs. We all laughed and it got re-posted a LOT.
Then I got a message from a friend saying it was the son of a friend of ours from high school, and she would be really hurt to know we were laughing. (They live far away, but I guess he was visiting family here.) Now I feel like an ass, because when we were kids I got busted for drugs MYSELF, and it got around our small town and totally sucked. FML :(
I'm trying to remove the post now, but FB is giving me an error code. I hope I can undo this.....
IdoDeLether: Oh no :(
If you're unable to delete it right now, Just change the privacy settings on it so only you can see the post.
Dinosoarman: But web.archive.org is a thing. They can see it anyways, even if OP deletes it!
imdwalrus: ...I don't think you're very familiar with how that site works.
The snapshots are pretty infrequent for most sites - we're talking weeks if not months between archive points. You're also assuming he posted something visible publicly.
| 4 | 17.25 | |
1406910118 | 1406912315 | t3_2cchjf | t5_2to41 | 2 | No-Forethought: TIFU by thinking my coworkers were talking about me
Also was thinking of the title "TIFU by having little to no self confidence" This actually happened a few weeks back but whatever. I just started a new job and was definitely feeling the stress of being not just the new guy but a throwaway intern, (this is my first real world job). However this story does have some background info you'll need to know.
My grandfather had passed away recently and I spent the first two months of summer preparing for his memorial service. As in organizing the house for all the guests, sending invites etc. So when I went in to interview for this job, and they wanted to know what I had been doing for the first two months of summer, and me being a super open guy I told them just that. I managed to get the job the next day despite depressing out some people, but whatever. Still them getting back to me so quickly made me suspicious that they were either desperate or felt sorry for me because of the grandfather thing.
Now to the Fuck up. It was my second day and as said before I was feeling insecure. I had convinced myself I didn't really earn this job and was seeking out proof for one way or the other. I ended up overhearing my boss and coworker around the same age as me talking. I heard only bits of the convo but one thing I did hear was "his grandfather just died, so were cutting him some slack." This almost made me tear up, since I had thought neigh hoped that someone looked at my achievements and thought I was great for their company, but it all could have been a pettyfest. So when my coworker came out of the office I briefly said something along the lines of "if there's anything you guys need to talk to me about don't leave me hanging." He looked super confused then explained to me that they were just talking about another coworker who's grandfather died, and it effected him so much that he quit the previous week. I just packed up and left right then and there and it hasn't been mentioned in the office since.
shmehdit: You left the job or you left for the day?
No-Forethought: Just for the day. I assumed I would get a talking to or something the next day, but thank God, that didn't happen.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406911095 | 1406951114 | t3_2ccjcq | t5_2to41 | 40 | darkdiscipline: TIFU by forgetting to trim my beard on the left side of my face, before a date.
Today I have a lunch date with a promising woman, and it'll be our second date. Unfortunately, I was rushing to prepare for the date before catching the bus to the date location. I usually shave/trim before showering to get the shaved hair off me, so I tried doing that today, but my electric shaver died on me right after I finished shaving/trimming the right side of my face. So I thought "No sweat, I'll charge it while I'm showering and trim the rest off after the shower."
I'm now on the bus and realized that I completely forgot to finish trimming, so one side of my face will look a bit haggard during our date. >_< I told my date about the imbalance, and she laughed and seemed fine with the idea, so hopefully it'll be okay, but ugh.
Anyway, please wish me luck? :)
UPDATE: The date went great, and she said she couldn't tell there was an imbalance. But now: TIFU by not kissing the girl, even though she now tells me that she wanted me to. Will do so during our next date. ;)
LongTimeGamer: Good luck man!
If you're nervous, say this.
"Sorry about my beard! I wanted to look my best for you so I was trimming it when the shaver died. I plugged it back in but was so excited for our date I completely forgot to finish! Oops, haha!"
She already laughed when you texted her so I wouldn't worry. She seems down to earth and anyone who calls it quits over a simple mistake just saved you the cost of a pointless second date! :)
darkdiscipline: Thanks man, you're right and everything did go well. :)
LongTimeGamer: Glad to hear, bud :)
| 4 | 10 | |
1406911693 | 1406912896 | t3_2cckeh | t5_2to41 | 4 | TryHardSnipr: TIFU by walking into the wrong classroom
First, a bit of background as to how my school worked (this will make sense in the story): We had a different teacher for the 3 subjects of science we did, and we had our lessons in rotation. Every time a class missed a lesson (e.g. Communion or a day off) we would have the lesson we missed the next time we had a science lesson. For example, there's a chemistry lesson on Monday, but we have a day off, that lesson will be on the next science lesson we have.
Anyway, the story: On the particular day of my fuck up, we had two science lessons, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, but we had a communion in the morning, so we had the mornings lesson in the afternoon, the day was fine, until after lunch. I had a music lesson, which ran through the first half of the science lesson, me being me, I had forgotten that the classes had been changed, so after the music lesson, I went to the class I thought I had. So I entered the classroom, and went to explain why I had been late to the class, I was so tired this day, that although I had recognized the people in the class (and most of them were laughing at how idiotic I was being), I'd completely blanked out the fact I was in the wrong class. After explaining why I was late, I proceeded to my desk, then the teacher says 'shouldn't you be in X teacher's class.' This is when the reality hit me that I was in the wrong class. I turned around and began my worst walk of shame to date, pretending to laugh to not show how stupid I was feeling, but I'm sure everybody knew how I was feeling anyway.
TL:DR: Walked into wrong science class, didn't realize it, teacher makes me realize, began my worst walk of shame to date whilst feeling like a complete idiot.
the_other_pope: Happens a lot in college, don't worry about it!
TryHardSnipr: I'm gonna enjoy college then!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406914240 | 1406951537 | t3_2ccp2q | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by coating my apartment in a mix of skunk juice, tomato chunks and baby shampoo, the glass of an entire balcony door and my blood
I would like to tell the story of my night last night to you since it is literally the most bad luck I have experienced in a 12 hour period...
So I was taking my dog on a midnight walk and she got sprayed by a skunk. Took her home to wash her off, had no tomato juice and was in a hurry to get her rinsed so used a can of crushed tomatoes. Which of course clogged my bathtub (and my toilet), coating the floor in a disgusting mix of shampoo, dog hair and tomato chunks. So I ran off to get a plunger (picking up a helpful neighbor on the way). Go to start the car but the car battery is dead since I left a light on. Walk to the grocery store, hoping skunk tomato chunk dog is not stinking up my apartment too bad.
Get back, and skunk dog is laying on my bed completely wrecking my comforter. I plunged the bathtub and then tried to bathe the dog in a mix of baby shampoo, tomato juice and white vinegar (read it online). The slippery tomato-french fry scented dog escaped the tub tracking that mixture all over my apartment including laying on my white fabric easy chair.
I go outside to put clothes/towels out to air out with the neighbor and I close the patio door so he can have a cigarette without the smell going into the apartment. I forget that the balcony door auto-locks so we are stuck out there. It's 4am, nobody is answering their phone, neighbors all have their windows shut, nobody is outside, the landlord is sick and my phone had one percent battery.
So we try to take the glass door off the hinges. We get one side away making a gap between that sliding door and the other. I try to fit through the gap but instead I just smashed right through like the Kool-Aid Man, cutting up my arms, side and legs and coating my shag rug in glass. I was wearing short shorts so legs were the worst off. Left bloody footprints all over the house. Took me a half hour to get my neighbor into the house safely and until 10am to get the glass out of the doorway. Had to call someone to jump start my car so I could bring my dog to a safe zone in the morning. Made it to work at 1pm instead of 8:30am and my dog still reeks like skunk...
BigBobsBootyBarn: You know, I am not a religious man, but I like to believe that for every horrible, shitty, downright nasty experience in life there will be a time of equal happiness to level it all out. It really does help get through the tough times. Beer and ~~blowjobs~~ **muff dives** are coming your way.
EDIT: Had to change the pleasure bus we're gifting.
DatWalrusDoe: Upvoted for use of the term "muff dives"
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1406914664 | 1406915925 | t3_2ccpu7 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By code blueing my room
Was in a hospital waiting for the doctor. Lights went out. I saw a white circle light which I thought was the lightswitch... and I ALMOST pressed it. I caught myself touching the button when the motion sensor turned the light back on. Not as bad if it actually happened but still scary.
MonsterAdams: What would have happened if you pressed the button?
asksci: crash cart and 5 nurses probably
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406913681 | 1406968260 | t3_2cco2g | t5_2to41 | 68 | OnThe65thSquare: TIFU by shooting a stream of highly concentrated mentholated fluid straight up my ass.
Good testicular hygiene is fundamental to balanced chi. The prized territory between the swinging bells and the inner thighs have been
a historical battlegrounds for natural flora. The swinging bells ring out an echoing dinner call for those microbes hungry for victory.
Candida and Malassezia, claiming their victory with their own particular vile bouquet of stench that will flutter in the air like a wind torn
flag on the saddle of a general's stallion.
So how does a man keep peace in this hostile region? Gold Bond Medicated Powder. That time tested and father approved talc base powder that offers a sweet scent of menthol with a cherished cooling tingle. Recently, in the pharmacy isle at the local grocery store, I have been noticing that Gold Bond is now being offered in an aersol spray-on powder. I thought, "huh, now my bathroom floor won't look like Tony Montoya just sneezed". I'm game. I bought the can shamefully excited about the next morning's application.
The next morning after a long refreshing shower I towel-dried the region and grabbed the can. I squatted like a sumo wrestler, gripped the can like a sword and fired away. The can, instead of that expected misting spray, was more of a stream of highly concentrated mentholated fluid. It went straight up my ass. I fucked up. I immediately tumbled over on my side and cried out in agony. I have the vocabulary of a lesbian poet and struggle to describe the sensation. It burned like I was being sodomized by a fire stoker while sitting on a cube of dry ice. I dove head first in the tub like a soldier into a foxhole. I wrangled the detachable shower head and tried flushing the region but to no avail. For twenty minutes I wailed in agony trying to anemize myself.
My six year old son is now banging on the bathroom door and my wife is clearly concerned. I am back on the bathroom floor writhing around in a puddle of water and my wife opened the door. Her face flooded with panic and my son's eyes were as wide as the great Mississippi. I gave up. I conceded. I curled up into the fetal position and went to a happy place. I lost track of space and time. I was a young boy reeling in his first large mouth bass with his father by his side. A child waking up to mother's sticky cinnamon rolls. After about an hour I came to and my sphyncter felt somewhat normal.
red4jjdrums5: Well, you convinced me to stay with powder. No way in hell my tired brain can function high enough to get this spray thing correct. My ass shivers with sympathetic pain for you.
OnThe65thSquare: The good news is my flatulence can soothe a sore throat...
dragonwart: | "I have the vocabulary of a lesbian poet"
Beautiful, this is why I love Reddit.
| 4 | 17 | |
1406914840 | 1406991363 | t3_2ccq5i | t5_2to41 | 74 | SirMarcus4realious: TIFU by letting my friends shoot bottle rockets out of my butthole…
Story happened about 12 years ago, but I though reddit might still enjoy. Long time lurker first time poster.
Before I get to the bottle rockets I need to tell a little back story. So, all of my childhood was spent trying to be cool enough to hang out with my older brother and his friends. During sleepovers I would be permitted to be in their presence as long as I was their “Nacho Bitch” which was making them nachos whenever they wanted. The main instigator of creating tasks for me to be allowed to hang was named Thomas. As time went on the tasks became more extreme than just making nachos. I have been whipped by an Indiana Jones replica whip to which I was told to close my eyes, and stand still because we have a surprise for you. Another time, I had firing squad of roman candles shot at me as I was forced to ride a unicycle. As 12 year old boy this is the iron price of being able to hang out with the cool kids.
Now I can start to tell the story about my B-hole. On this particular occasion Thomas had just acquired a fresh stock pile of fireworks. Being twelve I would have given or done anything to get my hands on some of that contraband. As it turns out I was even willing to shoot bottle rockets out of my ass to acquire a few for myself. The deal that we struck was that if I shot 1 bottle rocket out of my butt he would sell me 5 bottle rockets for 5 dollars. My business sense was just as dumb as my actual sense, because I happily agreed.
To light off butt bottle rockets we retreated to our favorite spot for mischief, the parking lot behind ace hardware. To this day I remain extremely flexibly to the point as a 6’4’’ grown man I can easily get into the human pretzel (both legs over the head) which is the position I more or less took to light the fire works out my ass. I de-pants just to the point that my butthole was showing. There were about 5 of us kids total and as I am assuming the position I am struggling to get the bottle rocket in my butthole. Thomas the one selling me the fireworks was forced to help place the bottle rockets. Once he got one in he figured that I am pretty much helpless and shoved two more bottle rockets in my b-hole. Once everything was set he quickly lit all three bottle rockets. The one thing I didn’t account for was the crazy hot sparks showering my ass. I am able to allow one bottle rocket escape out my anus before it went into complete lock down mode. With the sparks shooting on my bare skin I instinctively clench my butthole with all my might. As the bottle rockets hits lift off stage my butthole is still keeping the firework anally attached to my body. I am now screaming “HAWT HAWT HAWT” in pain so I decide to sit up. Right as I sit up with the bottle rockets still in my ass explode. To which I immediately jump up and continue to screaming “HAWT HAWT HAWT” not sure if my balls are even still attached to my body anymore. Luckily, my gouch jumped on that grenade and my boys are just fine. Afterwards my friends were kind enough to check my butt to make sure everything was okay to which we discovered two large circles of black powder on my ass. Because Thomas shoved an extra two bottle rockets up my ass I demand 10 extra bottle rockets. I sold my extra 10 bottle rockets to my friends at school for 20 bucks. Turns out my business sense wasn’t as dumb as I thought.
I loved my childhood and I don’t view anything that happened as abuse. Shit like this just happens when you grow up in a house of 5 boys.
azgary: "youtube" video or not true!
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Asking for a video of things being shoved up a 12 year old's ass?
Why don't you take a seat over there?
| 3 | 24.666667 | |
1406916076 | 1406926045 | t3_2ccsf2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | labyrinthian_lexicon: TIFU by going to Martha's Vineyard
Today is the first day of a ten day vacation to Martha's Vineyard, and naturally I am traveling by boat. I left very little wiggle room when driving to the ferry terminal (who leaves early? For me it's all about just barely making it). As a result I was a tad rushed while loading the car and finalizing my pack.
However I successfully managed to stop for a sandwich and liquor (gifts) on my way, arriving with 5min. to spare. Success! I board the ferry and quickly grab a table, prime real state. While settling in I pull out my sandwich, iced tea, and phone so I can begin listening to spotify. I reach for my headphones...and they aren't there... and I soon realize I left them on my kitchen counter after using them at the gym last night.
There is a large group of high school girls cackling next to me, and I have no headphones. The ferry is **six** hours. Poseidon, why have you forsaken me?
LordBlackmore: Where are you taking the ferry from that it's a six hour ride?
labyrinthian_lexicon: Seastreak ferry from Highlands, NJ to Oak Bluffs. One stop in NYC and then 5 hours direct to the island
LordBlackmore: Long damned trip, that is.
labyrinthian_lexicon: Hoping only the ferry is damned, not all ten days
LordBlackmore: My wife and I have been to the Vineyard a couple of times. We had a great time and I'm sure you will too.
labyrinthian_lexicon: It's always a great time, a nice escape close by. Always feels more removed from the hustle and bustle of everyday life on the mainland than it really is. Enjoyable even in the off-season
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1406915963 | 1407108770 | t3_2ccs7k | t5_2to41 | 526 | AF9: TIFU by surfing without a wetsuit
So I am far from the worlds best surfer but practice makes perfect right? Well, the only decent surfing beach within walking distance of my house is quite a dangerous one (underwater reefs, majorly stone bottom and hidden rocks) so it was waaaay hotter than usual today and I kinda thought 'meh' because my only wetsuit is a winter one and as you can imagine, gets pretty damn hot in summer. So I wander down to the beach with my board and just shorts and a T-shirt. The surfs great and I catch a few waves and while waiting for another I spot a monster wave. I mean this thing must have been 20 or 30 feet high an with a perfect rolling break. I jump on just in time and it's fantastic, and then (because the wave is so large) I see that the water being drawn into the wave unveils this huge motherfucking rock. I have no time at all to move so I hit it head on, my board break into about 4 pieces and I go arse over tit straight down onto a reef. I was knocked unconscious for a second or two and things went blurry, I somehow managed to swim to the surface after being dragged along the floor for a while. I finally made it back to the beach and wandered home in a bloody daze. I went straight to the bathroom to check the damage, throw off what's left of my shirt and low and behold my entire chest is bleeding and torn up like somebody dragged me across sandpaper. So a short trip to the hospital later I have now returned home and now I have no nipples. *sigh*
TL;DR Tore my nipples off on an underwater rock.
SourCreamWater: LOL OP you are **SO** full of shit.
Edit: Downvote me if you want, but this whole post is such a lie.
Doom2508: He said he'd post pics tomorrow, let's see if you're right.
Vulcam: OP will surely deliver!
DrGaren: And if and when he does, [/u/SourCreamWater](http://reddit.com/u/SourCreamWater) will be downvoted to oblivion.
SourCreamWater: I'm fine with that. I really want to see the photos if there are any to be honest. I want to see the 4 chunks of board also.
DrGaren: Ha, good luck
SourCreamWater: You too. I'm pretty sure we both want to see photos.
Shephurd: I need to see this to for full my life.
| 9 | 58.444444 | |
1406917579 | 1406918626 | t3_2ccv4l | t5_2to41 | 11 | spottedmusic: TIFU by peeing in the great outdoors while not paying attention
Edit: This happened a good while ago.
So it all started with having a late night discussion with the ex. She was complaining about us not spending enough time with her family. So I naturally insisted that we go with her cousins and uncles on a family hiking trip that they invited us to.
We wake up early morning and head off on a cool and long trail. We jump rocks cross rivers climb rocks and after hours of hiking we end up at a waterfall. It was a nice view! Since I don't really do much outdoor activities besides bike, this was a fresh view and a lot to take in.
I eventually needed to pee, so i went down the stream and let my pecker work its magic. While I was peeing I was still taken away by the view of the waterfall, flowers, and all the nature around. It was a great piss.
Once I finished i grab my shorts to pull them up and realized that they where wet. I finally looked down and noticed that i was peeing on a leaf directly infront of my pecker and had all the piss roll back down the leaf/stem back onto my shorts. My ex then came and just looked at me with shock and laughter. I told her what happened and she didnt believe the fact about the leaf, she just flat out thought I pissed my self and thought i didnt know how to pee.
I was embarrassed and didnt want to go back out to the family. I didnt want them to see my pissed shorts. So I devised a plan. I got into the stream and started splashing water at my ex and at myself. I wanted it to look like we where 'playing' in the water. Turns out my planning didnt work out because my shorts looked like they had more piss on them :(.
I then hurried out and started hiking up ahead of the family. They called me over to have a convo and noticed that i was wearing my shorts really high. I saw all of them look at me and there was an awkward silence. No one said anything but i knew what they where thinking.
Later on while hiking the trail; my ex's little cousin had to pee. When he came back with no piss on his shorts my ex laughed and said "Now thats how you pee."
TL;DR TIFU by peeing on myself infront of ex's family
*my first tifu :) *
BigBobsBootyBarn: That's when you just jump full force in the stream. It's impossible to be completely covered in piss. Well, your own anyways.
spottedmusic: haha. i thought of that. but it only went up to my ankle :(
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406918097 | 1406931078 | t3_2ccw0t | t5_2to41 | 10 | thatoneguyjayrad: TIFU by walking into my bosses office and asking to go home
This happened yesterday, but I walked into my assistant bosses office asking if I could go home early due to not feeling well. I work/used to work at Sprouts Farmers Market in San Diego. I had requested the next week off cause I am going up to yosemite, so in my supervisors eyes they had me scheduled to work 8 days straight, all 8 hour shifts with no overtime. Which i found odd but somehow they found a loop hole. Anyways I was on day 7 out of 8, nearly there. But, i really wasn't feeling like myself. i was beyond exhausted and haven't been sleeping to well on top of all of that. But, a couple customers and coworkers would look at me and ask if I was alright or if i needed help or coffee. I explained that i was just tired beyond belief and just needed a day off, while I was already on my 3rd cup of coffee and still just dragging through the mud, just couldnt shake the exhaustion. But I ended up walking into my assistant supervisors office and explaining my situation and that i really was completely out of it and it would be nice to go home and recharge the battery. This is how the entire talk went...
Me: Boss i need to talk to you
Assistant Supervisor: Whats up?!
Me: Boss I am not feeling well, im exhausted beyond belief. Kind of falling asleep while standing and help customers. I would like to know if I could go home.
Assistant Supervisor: Well you have the next week off, why are you complaining.
Me: Sir, im not complaining, I am explaining my situation to you. I don't know any other Coworkers who have ever got more than 5 days straight let alone 8. While, You guys also have me doing 3-4 jobs daily. You send me in the deli to help out with them, you send me to the meat department to close up shop, you put me in the grocery department to help out and on top of that I still have to do the job was hired to do which is bag groceries and close the front end of the store.
Assistant supervisor: Do you feel as if we are picking on you.
Me: Yes I do, no other coworker has to do what you guys make me do.
Assistant Supervisor: Well, we don't need your help anymore and, you can have tomorrow off.
Now, I took the whole "we don't need you anymore" as being fired, even though he didn't say "you're fired." Truth be told I was so out of it that i just got up and walked out of the store and threw my work shirt in the trash. Then I remembered, if im let go i need to leave with my last check. So I walk back in and find the assistant.
Me: Hey, can you guys cut me my last check.
Assistant Supervisor: What do you mean?
Me: Well if I'm let go I need to leave with my last check.
Assistant Supervisor: Well it get deposited tomorrow.
I walk away, just fed up with the whole situation, just looking to go home and lay down.
I woke up this morning to call the store and talk to the head honcho. This is how that went.
Me: Morning Boss, I had an incident with the assistant yesterday and was just wondering what my employment status is.
Boss: What do you mean?
Me: Then I explained the situation that went down yesterday.
Boss: Well you quit.
Me: I most certainly did not quit.
Boss: Let me call the assistant supervisor and get to the bottom of this.
Me: OK, I will call you back in a hour.
I called him back.
Me: Hey boss, It's me again.
Boss: Well the assistant said you quit, you told him twice as well as all the other coworkers.
Me: That's not true.
Boss: Well I don't know what to tell you son.
Looks like I lost my job by asking to go home, probably one of the weirdest situations to ever happen. But, now gotta move on.
Cheers to moving on to bigger and better thangs though.
keripoke: I hope things work out for you. I get that you were exhausted, but when they said "we don't need you anymore", you should have asked what they meant by that. Something better is in your future!
thatoneguyjayrad: Yeah there's a lot of thing I should've done differently with sprouts, but I appreciate the encouragement. Watch out for my music I'll start posting soon. Now that I have time to record and fine tune everything! Cheers!
spottedmusic: Beats? Soulection?
thatoneguyjayrad: Not beats, im a drummer and guitar and love the blues. that my tip. not a fan of the whole electronic era take over, but everybody has their cup of tea.
| 5 | 2 | |
1406918191 | 1407674722 | t3_2ccw7q | t5_2to41 | 89 | [deleted]: TIFU by spoiling my own surprise party.
--SPOILER ALERT--- This isn't an over the top f-up. It's merely a life lesson that I think everyone should know.
Turning 40 soon. A few years ago I expressed the desire to have a surprise party once in my life. Wife put it in her vast memory bank and planned on using it this year. I see an entry on our calendar for an event (near my birthday) and jokingly suggested "Sure, I'll go to my surprise party." She tried to play it off but cracked. The end result was both of us being disappointed. Her, for not playing it off better. Me, for putting her into a position that exposed a secret.
Life lesson: If you even THINK someone you care about is planning a surprise party for you...shut the hell up about it and go about your business. It's a party and you'll have fun regardless so don't mess it up for the host. A lot of time, energy, and love is put into an event like that and it is easily ruined for the person that cares about you. So shut up.
Sorry babe.
ssjkriccolo: As an autistic person,every event is a surprise to me.a horrible horrible surprise.
Seriously, autists hate surprises.
Becbec3: Agreed. I'm the same, autistic and absolutely hate suprises , got suprised with a holiday to New York once and balled my eyes out. Hate it. I'm 21 in 2 weeks and I'm dreading what they are going to do at work.
On another note can we be friends? I don't really know anyone else with autism :)
ssjkriccolo: I'm automatically friends with everyone. Almost dangerously trustworthy. So, sure. We can.
Becbec3: Lol! Promise your not a murderer or something...
ssjkriccolo: I feel bad when I accidentally crush bugs with my eyelids.
Becbec3: Lol ok! :)
ChrisGoesPewPew: Oh the life of having friends. I remember when I had friends once xD. Now I have 2.
| 8 | 11.125 | |
1406918979 | 1406919563 | t3_2ccxmm | t5_2to41 | 16 | LetsGoYoloBro: TIFU by being a mooch
I lost my contact solution during a recent move and have just been leaving my contacts in. Which is a bad idea. So I got paranoid about it this morning and instead of buying solution, I just used my roommates. But she has a different brand. I use OptiFree and she has some crazy 3% hydrogen peroxide shit.
After letting my contacts sit for a few hours I put one back in. Holy fucking Jesus I could have sworn someone through acid in my eye. I have never screamed that loud. Somehow I got the damn thing out and ran to the bathroom to rinse my eye with water. Thanks be to all that is holy that I'm not blind and it's starting to look normal a half hour later'
EDIT: I lied. It seemed more normal because it wasn't a blaring red,but it's been at a steady pink for a while now.I keep rinsing but I don't know if it's doing anything.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: I think your roommate is trying to poison you.
LetsGoYoloBro: Apparently there have been a lot of issues with Clean Care given it's 3% hydrogen peroxide and i"m lucky that I got it out quickly
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1406917466 | 1406979378 | t3_2ccuxf | t5_2to41 | 29 | bikelessbro: TIFU by trying to upgrade my bike for free
so this happened a while back but I thought i'd share.
I take the train from San Francisco to Palo Alto to get home.
I ride a bike to and from the station so the bike goes on the train with me. If you are unfamiliar with the bike/train system you park your bike inside the car designated for bikes. You put a tag on your bike noting which stop you are getting off at. This way people can stack their bikes accordingly so they dont have to move a shit ton of bikes to get to theirs at their stop.
After I placed my bike in the rack I went to the upper level and found a seat and settled in. When the train started moving I looked down to see how far buried my bike was. It was about 4 bikes deep. This is also when I noticed another bike IDENTICAL to my cheap cruiser. It was further in the train car but only 2 bikes deep. I could tell that this bike was the same exact model but didnt look as beat up as mine and it probably didnt have a bent rim like the one I never got around to straightening. Anyhow I went back to zoning out for the commute home.
About 5 stops later I look down again to see someone trying to get a bike out from the stack mines in. By now my bike is only 2 deep so I assume he is going for one past mine. Hes moving quickly so he doesnt miss his stop. He moves the first bike out of the way and then grabs mine and I assume hes going to move it aside as well. But then he starts moving toward the exit and I immediately jumped in my seat... but right as I did I remembered the other bike further in the train that was the same model. In a split second I deduced he must have mixed up the bikes and I decided not to say anything. I settled back into my seat and watched him exit the train.
Now at this point I was fully pumped with adrenalin as if letting this guy mix up bikes was akin to actually stealing from him. My plan was to wait for my stop, grab the other bike, go home and enjoy my new old bike. I even played out the scenario if I ran into the other guy again. Since it wasnt my fault he mixed up bikes and if we did indeed meet again we would just switch back. I was innocent so I tried to calm myself down until my stop came.
A few more stops pass and I look down again. My heart skips a beat as I notice the other bike is gone. Maybe someone moved it and I couldnt see it. I went down to the lower level and looked around. The bike was gone. I stood there a bit shocked. I tried to figure out what had just happened but couldnt really wrap my head around the situation. The only logical explanation I could come up with was still that the first guy had taken the wrong bike... but if the other bike wasnt his which one was???
I decided I had continue riding the train to see if there was a leftover bike. I tried to see which bikes resembled my bike. One other cruiser was left. This would have to be the first guys bike. Right? I rode the train past my stop watching as the pile of bikes disappeared one at a time. I watched as the other cruiser exited the train. I continued to ride and watch in horror as ALL the bikes exited the train.
By the time I hit San Jose I decided to call it quits and go home. I got off the train, waited for the next train heading north and hopped on. I walked home from the station and had a beer. Then I got into my car and headed to Target to buy another bike. I still dont really know what happened. Someone accidentally stole my bike and someone else stole someones bike which I was going to steal?
TL;DR - watched someone take my bike and didnt say a thing
DrMeeseeks: Don't buy a bike at target!
Cavanus: this will be his next tifu, seriously OP go on Pinkbike or Craigslist, or a proper bike shop
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1406922754 | 1406964078 | t3_2cd4fh | t5_2to41 | 10 | superkrazykatlady: TIFU i had this brilliant idea to save some menstrual blood for an art project so...
...i collected it last month. i fucked up today by opening the container...*gasp and *gag...old blood is foul and smells so horrifying.
[deleted]: Feminism is a horrible monster and needs to be stopped. This shit isn't empowering. It's grotesque, macabre and hygienically irresponsible.
Edit: Downvotes, really? What are you people? Barbarians? This is filthy, and I can't believe OP actually has ANY support at all with this. We get it, you have periods, you are equal, fine!
**PUTTING YOUR PERIOD BLOOD IN A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER AND TOSSING IT IN THE FRIDGE FOR A MONTH DOESN'T MAKE YOU A POWERFUL PERSON.** ***IT MAKES YOU FUCKING PSYCHOTIC.***
smacko97: Menstral blood art is IN NO WAY ASSOCIATED OR REFLECTIVE OF FEMINISM. Feminism is not a fucking anti-man lesbian army with vagina shaped swords. Feminism is the IDEA that women are worthy of respect; the PRINCIPAL that if they make up far more than 50% of the population, their opinions should affect legislation about THEIR OWN BODIES.
If a panel of elected hard-core muslim women told you that they now make the lawd regarding male bodies. Then they told you that according to THEIR beliefs, masturbating is evil, and everytime you masturbate you will be required to carry around a heavy backpack for 1 year and their going to forcefeed you pills that make you depressed every day, and then after that you will be slapped with a $200,000 fine to pay off over the next 18 years - how would you feel? Now this is not exactly the same but it gives you a good idea of how rediculous it is to have old rich white christian men passing all the laws regarding womens health clinics and abortion and birth control laws.
We still very much need a push for feminist ideas in society. We dont need menstrual blood art projects, but we do NEED WOMEN TO HAVE ACCURATE REPRESEN-FUCKING-TATION IN GOVERNMENT. Christian men have no god damned right to control a womans body anf life decisions because the old dude in town interpreted his imaginary friend to say that abortion is a sin. This is why feminism is the ONLY FUCKING HOPE the world has nowadays so dont start talking shit about feminism when you have no idea what youre talking about.
*rant over*
[deleted]: You forgot to throw "PATRIARCHY!!!111!!1!!1!" somewhere in there with a bunch of incoherent rambling. What do you have against white people? You racist. Also, who was talking about abortion in the first place? Are you high or just that blindly furious? At least I can follow a linear conversation.....
Also also, it's ***NOT*** art. It's dried blood. You psycho. That is how serial killers think.
smacko97: No the point is that feminism is a a positive force that we need. Menstrual blood art is just macabre art pop culture - has nothing to do with feminism. If you think that this is part of feminism and represents the feminist mindset and focus you are mistaken. My point in that rant was just to say that feminism is a good and necessary ideological force in the world and that we should not dismiss feminism as trustifarian white girls with dreadlocks wearing tshirts that say "cut off all penises" - even though this is how it is sold in media. The point is that the world wide male dominated and owned media circus is for some reason threatened by the idea of women being respected as people so frames it that way. And yes there are trustifarian girls with severed penis t shirts but thats beside the point. Also just for you: PATRIARCHY! !!! HETERONORMATIVITY!!!
[deleted]: Look, it's not the media selling feminists this way. They do a good job of it themselves. I've seen many professional looking women who have the most immature and dominating mindset you can imagine. They all claim to be adherents of "feminism", whatever the hell that actually is. If feminists want equality, that's fine by me. I don't mind being equal. I mind it when people start ranting in my face about how I'm some sick, perverted, domineering, masturbating white Christian man. As if feminism is just specifically against Christian, white men.
Regardless of my beliefs, I don't fall into any of these predesignated categories because I disagree with "feminism". Why can't you call yourselves "Equalists"? I can subscribe to that line of ideology. Feminism implies putting itself above the rest. It's ingrained into the very character of the name itself.
Futhermore, this menstrual blood "art" (you keep saying that word, I don't think it means what you think it means) certainly holds its origins in feminism. I can prove that, if need be.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1406922699 | 1406926351 | t3_2cd4c4 | t5_2to41 | 25 | tomthetrololol: TIFU by having sex with my Ex.
So here's the deal, We were together for 6 years and were awesome until 2 weeks ago when she confessed to having slept with someone else. It's a little complicated, we talked about an open relationship but other all I considered it cheating and we broke up. Fast forward to her birthday and I give her some presents to show that we can still be friends, we're trying to be mature about it a be cool. She invites me over for a cuppa and start to chat about how we miss each other and have a little cuddle.
As I pull away from the hug she looks up at me and leans in for a kiss and I foolishly kissed her, not that I didn't want to after sleeping together for 6 years to nothing you get lonely quickly. That quickly escalated into dry humping and full blow making out. I went to undress her and she jumped on to of me and ripped her top off and well the rest is in the title. I don't know what was going through my head at the time, it was the most passionate sex we'd ever had. I spent the night to be respectful and gave her a kiss in the morning. Now I'm totally confused as to how I feel and what stage our relationship is.
She really is a lovely girl and our whole break up was really complicated but I'm not sure she wants to be with me and at the same time can I trust her again? questions welcome.
Anyway TLDR: She cheated(sort of), we fucked 2 weeks later, do we try and fix it?
UPDATE: (NOTE if this not how you normally update someone PM me and I'll change it)
2/08/14 STRONG LANGUAGE
This morning I fucked up! So we had been talking a lot last night and she had some friends over and they had a mini party. They drank and smoked weed yada yada yada. So she rang about 0:25 and I can over. We fucked. A lot. She told me she loved me and that we were back together but wouldn't let me in the house but I didn't think much of it until after walking her back to her door there was a white moped... His white moped (I'd never seen it before just knew it was white). I asked and she said it was just her female friends. So me being the sap I am said okay and went home.
I then decided to come over in the morning to help clean up but she said no and that she had to go to work but I needed to get petrol so I went anyway. And as I got there I see that ginger haired cunt walk to her car. At first I tried to hold back my anger and was just going to confront them. But she saw be got in her car and drove off.
I FLIPPED. I got in my car and floored it in front of them and forced them to stop. She Looked at me with such same in her eyes and started to cry. He got out of the car at told me to calm down. I replied "Fuck off you specky ginger gimp" to which he went silent. She didn't want to talk and was late for work as it was but I followed them demanding to talk to her.
She took him to the train station and he left. Fucker missed it, That made me smile. Anyway She drove to work and I followed. When she got there we talked, I'd calmed down at this point as I knew my anger would exacerbate things and she'd never want to talk again.
I got in her car and asked her to explain. She said that She didn't tell me because I would freak out like that. Which I did because She LIED to me again. I asked for the truth. She had slept with him moment before I came over. She was drunk and told me she felt ashamed and did it because she wanted me hence calling me. She told me she regrets all that she did wrong and that she still loves me but isn't entirely sure if she wants to still be with me when I get so anger. To which I said I think I have all the right in the world to be anger, I wasn't shouting this btw it was all still calm. She told me that I'd scared her before, admittedly I have a temper but I've never hurt anyone (I'm what you'd call all bark and no bite). After about an hour of talking we had made up again and tbh we weren't really together at that point just still trying to figure out what was going on. I got her to confess that all it is with him is a crush, I knew she liked his type - he looks similar to her favourite strong man (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Fennelly). I don't really care if it is a crush but he's playing her for a fool. He just wants a shag and that's it. I don't want her to get hurt but at the same time I don't want to throw myself at her and get hurt again.
Any advice again is great, I know I'm an idiot for wanting her but it doesn't mean I don't want her back. Also means I'm a better fuck then that twat with the fact that she called me over after which is nice (insert Bill Murray)
The_worse_brother: She cheated, she lied to you and cheated on you. Personally i don't have an ex i didn't sleep with after we broke up. But i never got back together with them, it's fun for a bit, but it doesn't last in my experience. you can enjoy it but you guys will eventually move on. I am not still friends with my ex's though.
tomthetrololol: Thanks for your experience, I did think this would happen but I don't want to throw it all away if we could fix it. we still love each other but I don't know. Ugh emotions
The_worse_brother: It's complicated and messy and if you were together for that long your gonna love that woman for a long time no matter what. But don't lie to yourself and say she didn't cheat on you and betray you. The fact that you still want to be friends with her after that makes you a more forgiving person than me but i don't know the deets so im just trying to say be careful man. Take care of yourself.
tomthetrololol: cheers dude, you too.
| 5 | 5 | |
1406923508 | 1406924086 | t3_2cd5ry | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by accepting some VHSs from a coworker.
No long story, woman I work with was getting rid of her father's VHS, thought they were just Anime tapes and I was the only one she knew that was interested in Anime. She left them near my work place, since she got out before me. I take them and have a look, probably made the seal face, they are 18+ hentai. So now I'm stuck with some Hentai VHS unsure how to get rid of them.
Justvotingupordown: Garbage can?
lordzod: So many Lolz +1 for having the most obvious answer
| 3 | 2 | |
1406924059 | 1406926756 | t3_2cd6si | t5_2to41 | 5 | RandiRoo: TIFU because I tried to be independent
TIFU because I tried to handle shit on my own. I have a super overbearing father. I'm going to college in Sept. and let me tell you, I cannot wait. Anyway, I got an email from said college today saying I needed to correct my FAFSA so I went upstairs to do so, trying to be independent and not rely on my father. When I asked for the PIN he follwed me up. He then yelled at me for screwing everything up like I always do (yesterday in front of my aunt and uncle he asked where the hell did he go wrong with me. I am an Il. State Scholar, a three time State Jazz player,a 14 instrument playing, Presidentially Honored, 3.68 G.P.A. receiving girl, who has been invited to an elite Leadership Conference by Congress. So yeah.). I hit all the buttons he told me too, typed all the words he wanted. At the end something didn't happen that was supposed to and he said "Well you better call someone or do something because I'm done helping you because all you are going to do is show up to school and ask for a fucking check." The site won't let me ammend anything. I may have just fucked up my Financial Aid trying to be independent. I'm new to reddit too so if i did something wrong or anything, please politely tell me.
Randombyt3s: As a dad of a kid who is about to go to school, your pops is just under the stress of his baby leaving the nest. Try and be gentle and understanding with him.
As for the financial aid, just call the financial aid office at the school ans see if they can help you figure out what's up. Not knowing what's wrong with the FAFSA, it's hard to say otherwise. But, I think FAFSA has a # to call too.
Just get on it, call em, and sort it out. You are, after all, a big girl now.
RandiRoo: I have called my school to talk with them already and they told me they will call me back when they receive confirmation. Sir, would you ever say those things to your child? Regardless of the stress you are feeling? Because i've spent most of my life hating myself because of the things he's said to me. It's one of those things where no matter what I do I am not good enough. I have been patient and understanding because my dad is bipolar but refuses to take his meds for some reason, but I don't think that it justifies being unusually harsh to your daughter. I'm not trying to be rude or mean and I will admit I am not an angel but I am always respectfully and polite and do what I am told. Today was just a tipping point because he made me feel like this wrecked my college financial aid. After calling and being a big girl I realized he was wrong but I still fucked up today. Thank you for your input as a father I will remember your advice for future conversations.
Randombyt3s: I'd try not to, but dumb things have slipped before. For what it's worth, you have some tremendous accomplishments that I will say he is unequivocally proud of, but change/transition like this does strange things to people.
But, given the circumstances (bi-polar, past history) i'd say he was just being a jerk then. Sounds like the time is good to move on. Good luck to you @school, I'm sure you will do well.
and, for what it's worth, you probably didn't FU anything, its more than likely just a hiccup in the process and not the end of the world.
RandiRoo: Thank you. Good luck to you and your child as well.
| 5 | 1 | |
1406924274 | 1406955921 | t3_2cd75w | t5_2to41 | 50 | BeBeatinCakes: TIFU by asking if there was a dead body in my coworkers trunk
My coworker had just gotten back from a week off of work. His brother had committed suicide and he was the only one living within the country so my coworker was responsible for cleanup and going through the belongings. It's my coworkers first day back at work and he says to me "Hey come look in my trunk" and jokingly I say "I don't want to see no dead bodies" as soon as I said that I immediately regretted my words. He ended up taking a half day at work, apparently he just wanted to show me his new camera setup.
obliviator1: What the fuck man?
BeBeatinCakes: my thoughts exactly.
Call_me_Kelly: It could have gone worse. Hopefully he realizes how unintentional it was, ~~if it affected him at all.~~
Edit... wait, did he take the half day because he was so upset? Oops.
race_car: > how unintentional it was
"insensitive" is the word you were looking for.
Call_me_Kelly: If it were intentional then it would have been insensitive.
race_car: intent is irrelevant.
on edit: it doesnt matter if you intended to be an insensitive ass or you were an insensitive ass by accident. you were an insensitive ass. UFU. that's all.
BrownEggz: Intent doesn't change the insensitivity if the comment, but it does make him less of an ass because he didn't mean to do it.
| 8 | 6.25 | |
1406925273 | 1406998981 | t3_2cd8yn | t5_2to41 | 2,977 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a flirtatious assumption about my date's personal hygene
edit: The [audiobook](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wf_T6nG02Pc&index=28&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6
) by [Cyae1](http://www.reddit.com/user/Cyae1).
Happened a few days ago.
First date at a bar for drinks, felt a bit nervous so I got there a bit early and took a couple of shots and was half-way done with my beer when she showed up late.
Everything went great, she was funny and more importantly she thought I was funny.
After a few more drinks we're a bit tipsy, it's still early and she wants us to show up to her friend's party a couple of blocks from the bar.
So we're walking and chatting and then we notice a family getting out of a restaurant, and one of their children appears to be blind or visually impared, as he is wearing shades and has a companion dog.
My inebriated brain allows an unfiltered thought to be vocalized, something I read on reddit wondering how blind persons are able to tell if they wipe enough after going to the bathroom...
I know, I'm sorry but bear with me.
She laughs but she appears not to get it. That's when I should've changed subjects but I told her something along the lines of "*well if he can't look at the toilet paper, how can he tell if he's wiped enough?*"
Her reaction really threw me off-guard: "*eww what the fuck, what do you mean - do you look at your toilet paper after wiping*?" with an utter look of disgust on her face.
I told her that I assume most people do, once again how else would they know if they're good to go.
She tells me angrily that she's never heard of such a disgusting thing before and that she assumes most people just know when the job's done, they feel it.
We had stopped walking and she was putting me on the spot, I could see that she was waiting for me to say something and to wipe the look of shock and disgust I had off my face.
That's when I fucked up. My drunken state suggested the only option was to attempt a funny and flirtatious remark in order to get back to the good vibes we had up until now.
So I said with a smile and flirty confidence "*Don't worry babe I know you're clean, I'm sure if I were to run a sheet of TP inbetween your cheeks there would be no skidmark!*"
She slapped me, called me a creepy disgusting piece of shit pervert and took of.
I don't date often, and was devastated.
At least I laugh about it now - after I told him the story a friend just said "dirty-ass bitches man".
Rethcaw: I would up vote your friend if I could :) "dirty-ass bitches"
Chytrik: Very relevant: [XKCD comic](http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hyphen.jpg).
account9211: not relevant whatsoever because of deliberate and correct hyphenation.
1N54N3M0D3:
[What?](http://media0.giphy.com/media/6bSyKsMZdvNsY/giphy.gif)
Go read that again.
Edit: The XKCD, that is.
account9211: also xckd sucks. enjoy your big bang theory-esque pandering nerd blackface webcomic, shitbag.
TheJayP: >big bang theory-esque
Did you just compare one of the best webcomics to one of the worst tv shows? Is your name by any chance Satan?
account9211: the similarities lie in the "pandering nerd blackface" part. i'm not saying that the big bang theory does not suck, i'm saying that xckd *also* sucks because of the same reason that BBT sucks.
consequently, you can't tell that xckd sucks because you need it to be your thing so you feel smart. it might as well have a laugh track so you know where to laugh to feel smart.
so yes, if it makes you feel better and does not collapse the bubble of insulation around your ego to like xckd go right ahead. shitty things get popular all the time, look at the big bang theory.
TheJayP: I don't need it to be my thing to feel smart because I don't need to feel smart due to not being insecure about my intelligence. Nice try, though.
You're implying that pandering to an audience is inherently bad, which it's not. Also, you're implying that xckd isn't smart and just tries to pretend to be smart. Give me some proof instead of baseless accusations or fuck off.
Lastly, calling someone a shitbag for liking something you don't like makes you a complete piece of shit. Go back to /tv/ you elitist fuckwit. Your pretentious sense of superiority makes me fucking laugh considering you don't know what the fuck a shift key is. Learn to type properly before trying to be persuasive.
account9211: thanks for reading, bro! sorry you take issue with my deliberate stylistic choice to make internet posts without capital letters. i happen to find it subtly conveys a more mellow, laid back tone, SORT OF OPPOSITE OF HOW CAPS IS CONSIDERED SHOUTING. you're grasping the *shit* out of those straws.
but i find myself getting far too meta and inside. the bottom line is your sad attempt to convince me that a shitty webcomic is not shitty has failed. pandering confirmed, better luck next whatever.
TheJayP: >You're bad because I say so and the webcomic sucks because I say so XDDD I also have no fucking clue what grasping at straws is XDDD hurr durr I'm an idiot
Way to make yourself look like a complete retard. You must have failed high school english because you seem to lack the ability to backup your claims. Again, /tv/ would love your elitism. You'd fit right in with the crowd that says Breaking Bad is a terrible show just because it is.
When you get some brain cells and learn that people aren't bad just because they like something that you don't then you can speak your mind. Until then I'd advise you to lurkmoar because you're making your idiocy leak into reddit.
account9211: >mad
TheJayP: \>Using that argument
Looks like you have no argument and you resort to bullshit that only 12 year olds playing CoD on XBL use seriously.
account9211: >mad
TheJayP: Epic ruse bro XDDD
| 15 | 198.466667 |
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