start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1406920284 | 1406928584 | t3_2cczy8 | t5_2to41 | 2 | LongTimeGamer: TIFU by wishing death upon a grieving family.
Do you ever run into a person or group of people that are maybe just a little too 'friendly'? You know, like that one person on the subway who tries to talk to you even though you have two earbuds in. Who doesn't let up until they're showing you pictures of their cat on their phone and asking for your advice about whether they should ask their boss for a raise?
Well, I ran into three of them yesterday.
I was shopping at Kohl's for some clothes for a work business trip when in come Mom, Son, and Son 2. I've been pretty stressed about this trip so I had enough going on in my mind to pay much attention to this lovely family. I wish I could say the kids were disrespectful brats and I wouldn't see Mom until next tuesday, but they really were a polite family.
I was flipping through the shirts looking for a goddamn 17 34/35 which never is fucking in-stock when Mom scooches in nice and close to me to find a shirt for Son 2. I smile -which I guess is the queue to these over-sharers- and slide around the back to hopefully find a goddamn fucking shirt that fits! Mom keeps glancing at me, and I smile at her again.
MOM: "Excuse me, sir. What size shirt are you? Usually my husband does this stuff but he's out of town, ya know?"
ME: "17 34/35. Make sure you check the fit too if you're looking for slim fit", I respond.
MOM: "Oh, thank you so much! Do you think Son 2 would be a 15 or 16?"
ME: "Uhh... try 16.."
MOM: "Oh, thank you so much! Here, Son 2, do you like this color? You've been a real help. I feel like I was just doing this too!"
ME: "Uh-huh"
I wasn't really paying attention anymore.
*This fucking 17 34/35 doesn't exist, I'm getting texted about plans for dinner, and I doubt anythings getting done at the office. And this bitch keeps talking to me like I care.*
Now I really have zoned her out now and she's still rambling on. But wait-whats this? 17 34/35! FUCKING YES! Ok- socks time.
ME: "Well, goodluck! Have a nice day"
and I walk off to find a few pairs of dress socks. Guess who's following me over.. Mom and Son. Son 2 is in the fitting room.
*Great.. time to smile and nod as she rambles on some more. socks socks socks... These are plain and boring enough for me. Comes with 3 pairs! Sweet! The trip is 3 days! 3, 3, 3 lucky number 3! This was easy with the lucky number 3! Man, I love 3.*
MOM: "--- so that's two in just this month!"
ME: "Huh- yah.. I hope theres three!"
And I look up and MOM is frozen with a look of absolute terror on her face. Son looks up from his phone with his face twisted like he'd just smelt his finger after scratching his balls. I'm confused, done with the day and just say,
ME: "Yeah.. bye."
I walk away not really knowing what happened until I bump into Son 2 as he walks out of the fitting room.
SON 2: "Hey, thanks! Shirt fit great."
ME: "You're welcome."
Now, Son 2 started to get a little teary eyed and I started feeling really awkward..
SON 2: "This sucks."
ME: "Uh- the shirt?"
Then it hit me.. Mom was behind me swinging her purse smacking me in the side of the head. I'm not even going to try to type out what she was yelling.
All I got was that the husbands father and sister both passed away this month and this was the second funeral that they've had to go to. And in my moment of singing about socks I wished them a third death in their family.
I tried to apologize but ended up just dropping my shirts and socks off on an end-cap and leaving the store. I don't think they ever really understood what I was saying over the sound of the purse attached to the end of a wind turbine smashing into me and all the clothes racks nearby.
**TLDR: Shop at Men's Wearhouse, they'll always have a 17 34/35.**
grumpygooch: Shoulda dropped the mom.
LongTimeGamer: I felt so bad. I would have been doing the same thing as her if someone said that to me.
grumpygooch: If you punched her hard enough, she wouldn't have those feelings anymore. She wouldn't feel at all.
LongTimeGamer: I'd be doing her a service! Let me take away your pain.
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1406926250 | 1406938050 | t3_2cdapq | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing a $700 smart phone on a roller coaster
It was a dark and stormy night at Six Flags over Georgia (Hot and sunny actually). A group of friends and I were preparing to ride [The Superman](https://www.sixflags.com/overgeorgia/attractions/superman-ultimate-flight). As standard procedure I placed my phone (a [Galaxy Note 3](http://www.att.com/shop/wireless/devices/samsung/galaxy-note-3-jet-black.html)) into my velcro secured pockets.
While riding, I feel the force of a pretzel loop unstrap the velcro. In a frantic panic I attempt to grab my phone, but the seat harnesses inhibited any arm movement great enough to reach the bottom pockets.
I was forced to watch in horror as my phone fell screen first into a gruesome free falling plummet to the inevitable pile of gravel below.
After contacting lost and found, I was informed the phone was intact, but suffered from major chunks of the screen missing, hindering it unusable.
When I receive the broken device in the mail, I will update with images of the damage.
TL;DR
Velcro pockets came undone, phone thrown into a pile of rocks.
EDIT: Seeing as the phone was only 8 months old and I am locked under a 2 year contract with my provider, I have no other choice but to look for a cheap replacement phone to use until the next 14 months are over.
Currently, I am looking into [this](http://www.amazon.com/Unlocked-960x540-MTK6582-Android-gesture-white/dp/B00GCGH8GA/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1406922573&sr=8-7&keywords=note+3) knock-off of the Note 3. It appears to run on the same Android OS and seems to be the best cheap alternative to a Note 3. Any thoughts and/or other suggestions?
multyvedi: why would you bring your phone into six flags to begin with
Dylan7225: Everyone in the group was required to bring their phone so we can keep in contact throughout the day
[deleted]: Why didn't you hide your phone in a cubby hole along with your shoes or something? Or ask a worker to hold it. I've done that so many times. Never had anything stolen.
Dylan7225: Hm, maybe the employees were just lazy. They told us they can't hold them for us. And the cubbies are too easy to steal from
[deleted]: Ah, it's been a while since I've been to a park but it is possible that employees aren't allowed to do that anymore. Some jerks gotta ruin it for everyone.
I guess cubbies are easy to steal from, but the honor system works most of the time. Employees are pretty good about watching it.
TwistedSprinkle: All the cubbies at six flags magic mountain are locked unless you are going on the green lantern then they are next to the employees...but my friend had his phone shoot out of his pocket on the green lantern right at the end...we all had our phones in our pockets and he was just unlucky...we locked them up the rest of the time we were there...
[deleted]: Thanks for the warning: don't bring phone to six flags magic mountain. I will keep this story in mind.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1406928537 | 1406993392 | t3_2cdbxu | t5_2to41 | 4 | g0ldbar: You poor fool... Women don't care too much what other women you have dated look like. I have had them all. They care how you treat them.
Freeqt: wait, that isn't common sense?
g0ldbar: Not to op...
Freeqt: I am op you idiot
g0ldbar: And your post says it all...
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1406923872 | 1406992411 | t3_2cd6gc | t5_2to41 | 175 | thejamman16: TIFU by having a couple brews and getting frisky by myself. (NSFW)
The follow incident occurred over the summer. While I don't normally drink by myself I was finishing up a rough week of school work and job work. As I headed home I thought I'd pick up a six pack of a new Micro Brew my local shop acquired (from Dark Horse Brew.). I get home and toss a couple back. I also packed a bowl that I would rip on from time to time. For the most part I indulged in new music, some philosophy homework and other things of interest. Anyhow, I start to feel a bit frisky and like anyone in their own home by themselves I am quite comfortable in my own home and I begin walking around my place in women's underwear (a thong to be exact). So I'm about 4 beers in and I've got a real nice buzz and when combined with the cannabis I began to feel a bit tired and pass out on my bed still wearing the women's thong. Jump ahead three hours with me, I awaken to voices in my apartment and even worse whoever it was they were in my room climbing through my front window (live in an apartment so a ladder would be needed to go through the window). Now, I live in a safe area, but I keep a metal baseball bat under my dresser which is right next to my bed. So, in my inebriated stupor I slowly grab the bat and burst from my bed to confront the intruders forgetting what I'm wearing. Turns out a fire alarm had been going off and I didn't hear it. Three firefighter and a police officer were standing before me in my near naked state. At that point I rather would have been naked. Anyhow, they fire fighters give me a battery for the alarm and the Police took my bowl simply stating, "you've gone through enough in one night".
whoppwhopp: I will make the assumption that you are a male. In which case at least they have a good story and you didn't get busted for the pot
thejamman16: Yep, I felt the trade off was about even. Though I had the where with all to crack a joke to ease the awkwardness of the situation. From what I recall it was something akin to "I have 5 sisters that would have loved to have been awoken by firemen at 3am. Life is cruel."
whoppwhopp: At least it wasn't worse. You could have been brought in. Or it could have been a friend. They could tell everyone lol
Edit: grammar nazi
BananapeelJack: Could have*
whoppwhopp: Sorry geez
Qetuoadgjlxv: And the other one...
whoppwhopp: I'm just a dumb pipliner ok? Lol we all speak funny, are all ugly, and have the education of a third grader
| 8 | 21.875 | |
1406927615 | 1407174748 | t3_2cdd3e | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by building a potato gun
I have wanted to build a potato gun for a while, but I knew that if I asked my wife she would simply say no. So as any self respecting young man would do, I figure its easier to ask forgivness than permission. I worked at Lowes at the time from 4am to 1 and my wife worked a normal 9-5 shift. I found some plans on the internet the day before, and bought the pipes and grill igniter needed for an awesome spud gun after I was done with work.
I got home and started to assemble the parts. I had about 3 hours to build it and maybe try it out in a park before my SO gets home. After I glued everything and attached two leads from the igniter to my ignition chamber, I figured I should probably make sure it sparks before really taping it down and permanantly attaching it to the pipe. I look down the barrel and start clicking the igniter to see if it sparks. Much to my surprise, not only did it spark, but the entire barrel suddenly filled with swirling flame and like a slow motion explosion a movie I watched, unable to move, as the orange flames leapt from the bottom of the tube straight into my eye and the side of my face that was currently facing the barrel. It made really neat whooshing sound but I didnt really care at the time. I immediatly dropped the gun and covered my now burning eye with my hand and rushed to the bathroom. I turned on the faucet and started splashing water on the left side of my face, my eye still closed and burning. I really thought I had lost all vision, it hurt too much to open and I couldnt see anything. I was splashing water everywere in a panic trying to cool the burning sensation on one whole side of my face.
After about two minutes I was convinced that I wasnt on fire and slowly managed to open my eye. As my vision came back into focus I realized that my eye was fine (yay!) but I was missing most of my eyelashes, eyebrow, and quite a bit of hair on the left side of my face. As I stood there staring at myself I kept trying to figure out what went wrong. I hadnt sprayed anything into it yet, how did it explode like that! Then I realized, pvc cement fumes are flammable. Yup.
So I sit down and watch tv until the wife gets home. I try to sit closwer to the left side of the couch so when she sits down she will only see the right side of me. Unfortunatley, as newlyweds we like to sit really close so she gets home and squeezes herself between my and the edge of the couch.For about 30 seconds she notices nothing. Then she askes how my day was. "it was fine, nothing crazy" I say. She turns back to the tv, seemingly satisfied with my answer. I dodged a bullet
"Wait!" she says whipping back around to me, she grabs my face and turns it towards her. "What happened to your face?!"
drive2fast: Compressed air potato cannons using sch40 pvc and a modified 1" irrigation valve on copper sweat fittings is 'safe'. Fill it with a bike pump or a compressor.
[deleted]: I may have to give that a try now, sounds interesting!
drive2fast: Do pay attention to pressure ratings on pipe, ad google the modified rain bird irrigation valve for potato cannons.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1406928368 | 1407308828 | t3_2cdeep | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by looking at a NSFW image on my last day of an internship. (NSFW - Reference to NSFW topics)
I am a college student who took up a paid internship at a legal clinic in another college because I didn't have any summer classes and nothing to do anyway. Everything went smoothly until the last day. On the last day of my internship, there was a company picnic but I couldn't go because I wasn't technically part of the company, and had to cover for the receptionist anyway. I figured that since not many people were in the office, I could just browse some sub-reddits and listen to some Avenged Sevenfold quietly...
Over at [r/aww] (http://www.reddit.com/r/aww) I saw the cutest little kitten ever, and whilst checking the comments, I found out that it was a repost. A redditor had linked to a picture search engine, and it had shown that the photo has been posted before. Under that was an NSFW photo and I was all like, "Probably just some meme with bad language..." I clicked it and it was this beautiful woman who was wearing a white long sleeve shirt type thing (I don't know female types of clothes. :/), with her chest hanging out and her womanhood showing. I was startled to say the least, but figured it was okay since no one saw me. I closed the window, and continued working.
A few days after my last day, I was contacted by my boss/supervisor and he told me that security had seen me looking at some dirty pictures. Turns out there was a camera on the ceiling that I hadn't noticed... Well, of course I explained myself to him, but he didn't sound too pleased. I was hoping to work there again next summer, but I guess not, since he didn't sound happy.
TL;DR Browsed reddit at work, saw NSFW image, can't work there anymore.
Titmongler69: Avenged sevenfold is awesome.
Also, we all make mistakes.
DarkSparky123: Avenged Sevenfold WAS awesome... :/
[deleted]: why?
DarkSparky123: Hail To The Kings is not bad, its just a normal and decent HEAVY METAL record. Avenged used to be more than that, they mixed a lot more styles and brought their uniqueness to the genre. And yeah I prefer their awesome metalcore albums seventh trumpet and waking the fallen than this mediocre shit.
| 5 | 2 | |
1406929597 | 1407010929 | t3_2cdgeq | t5_2to41 | 35 | Tofumang: TIFU by correcting an asshole parker.
Yesterday I fucked up as I went to go see Guardians of the Galaxy. I arrived at the theater early and saw the only great parking space available was partially taken by a car parked in two spots; some beaten up car it didn't even make sense to protect like that(it never does, but, you know.)
Having a compact car, I fold in my right mirror and slipped in on the other car's left side, fully in my space and not 6 inches clearance to let the driver get in on their side of their car. Sweet victory, get out, take a picture of their license plate, go in, meet wife who is already in line.
As we wait, she makes a comment to me about some misbehaved kids causing distress to line goers earlier. Later, they come out of their movie with their mother, who is using a breathing/oxygen apparatus. They leave, and an hour later we're let into the theater.
We get our seats, and I go out to use the restroom. Then, I get curious, wonder what became of shitty parker. I go out to the parking lot, and I can see from the front door, the damn double parker was that mother and her kids. She is too rotund to climb over the console from the right side to get to the drivers seat, also the dying from lack of oxygen thingie. The kids are not in the car, with the AC going; she is seated in the passenger seat, struggling to breathe, kids are sweltering in the parking lot in the Texas heat. God damn it.
Of course, they spot me. "Is there any security in this parking lot?!", she warbles. Lady, you've been out here an hour, why would you think that? Still, I panic, say someone should be by shortly, and head back into the theater. I don't want to own up to what I've done to them, the righteousness of my bad ass parking job is still in my little first world problem having heart, but it's now mixed with 2 spoonfuls of self loathing.
I have a small anxiety attack in a corner for 5 minutes, breathe, compose. I head back out and offer to climb over the console and back their car out. This happens, they thank me profusely(Oh My God), and I never have to fess up that I was man in the other car.
My wife swears she still loves me, something about having a thing for repentant assholes.
jcoopsyo: If she was on oxygen, why didn't she have a handicapped tag and park in a handicapped space? Or was this somewhere where that's not a thing?
Tofumang: No handicap tag/plate that I saw, and not in a handicap spot.
jcoopsyo: She should really get one if she's going to be parking like an asshole :S Don't feel bad, she put herself in that situation.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1406933361 | 1406944200 | t3_2cdmj3 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by not using protection
So like most TIFU this didn't happen today but about 2 weeks ago, I was about to have sex with my gf at the time and she says she doesn't want to use protection. I think that's okay I'll just pull out. So we get into fun time and I'm going at it and she digs her nails into my back which she has never done before and which is a huge turn on for me. I get all hot and out of no where my little guy decides it's time and I barely have enough time to pull out. It's over her leg and the sheet and I was 90% sure I pulled out in time but last night she sent me a message saying "My period is late". Oh and I forgot to mention we are both 16.
[deleted]: > 2 weeks ago
> my period is late
Pregnancies don't show up that early. Pray that she isn't pregnant. Update when you can please.
smacko97: Yes. Yes they do. They would definitely show up in two weeks time and cause her to miss her period
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1406933769 | 1406935464 | t3_2cdn4b | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling asleep in the back of a semi-truck
This actually happened two years ago, but here goes nothing.
So the incident took place after a night of heavy drinking, where I had downed roughly an entire bottle of Irish whiskey by myself. My friends and I were planning on going out to the bars, but I was in no shape to be in public, so they put me to bed and went on their way. However, I didn't stay in bed for long, instead I stumbled down to the Art's Center on our college's campus where there's a bus that picks up students on the weekends and brings them downtown. I missed the bus, but what I found instead was the props truck for the Russian Ballet, which had a performance at our college that night. I'm not sure exactly why, but something in my state of drunken oblivion told me that the truck was probably on its way to a party, and that I should probably climb into its open trailer, which I did, and then proceeded to pass out.
When I awoke at 5 am the next morning in the pitch-black and had absolutely no idea where I was or how I got there, I assumed I had been kidnapped and sold into sex slavery. I began pounding incessantly on the door of the tailor until it was opened by the driver, a large black man who wore an expression of pure bewilderment.
"Ummm excuse me, where am I?" I inquired, as I half-drunkenly attempted to adjust my eyes to the dawn.
"Uhhh you in Queens" he replied, blackly.
"Oh shitt" was the only response I could muster, as it slowly set in that I had been passed out in the back of a truck for over 5 1/2 hours and 300 miles as it traveled from Rochester, NY to Queensborough Community College.
Most of the people who were there to unload the truck thought it was hilarious, but one guy was a complete dick and kept telling me that I was going to go to jail for trespassing. The driver was mostly concerned that he would be liable for something. They called campus security, and it was clear that these rent-a-cops were in completely over their heads as they notified me, after questioning, that, due to the absurdity of my situation, they were going to call the NYPD. After it was clear that no one was going to press charges, the boys in blue were kind enough to drive me to the train station, where I began my trip homeward.
TL;DR: I drunkenly passed out in the back of a tractor trailer and woke up the next morning, 300 miles away.
buckshot307: So... how'd you get back?
[deleted]: Train
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406917895 | 1406958414 | t3_2ccvoh | t5_2to41 | 5 | nellsky: TIFU by giving bitch face to the guy who attempted to hit on me on the metro
I was on the metro this morning minding my own business listening to music while waiting for my stop to get off. I have severe bitch face (IE when my face is resting I look like a pissed off bitch but I'm not) when I'm not talking to anyone and spacing out, per usual on my commute. I got off my stop and was walking towards the stairs to get to the streets and I began daydreaming how sweet it would be to be approached by the tall guy I usually see on the metro each morning for a date or coffee. Right before I get to the stairs I sense someone walking close behind me so I ball my hands into tight fists, transform my face into the biggest bitch face I can give and look up. A young man blurts out an akward "hi" while his smile quickly wilts away and his display a small spark of fear. He keeps trying to talk to me and I give him short answers and he walks away. I get to the streets and I realize the poor guy was trying to hit on me and I gave him the biggest "C u next Tuesday" face of my life.
ezpz-E: This is probably a story that plays out in my city a hundred times a day. Women here are known as Ice Princesses and won't give you the time of day in public. Almost everyone I know has a SO from somewhere else in the world, no joke.
lairosen: Which city would that be?
Dinosoarman: City land
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406935660 | 1406935975 | t3_2cdpy5 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by not actually fucking up. [NSFW-ish]
This actually happened yesterday but I had to wait till now to post because of shit related content.
Anyway I recently took to volunteering in a charity shop to get some work experience over the summer. The night before my first day I decided to take some Hayfever Tablets I didn't want to get snot all over the place and the pollen counts was pretty high so I took three.
Unbeknownst to me my dad had removed the hay fever tablets from their packaging an inserted some laxatives he purchased for a stomach condition, nothing malicious he's just kind of an idiot. So there I was about to start my new life as a volunteer.
accidentally dosed up on laxatives.
I enter the store and begin my training and then nothing happens I go an entire day without shitting myself. This had all the makings of comedic gold I could have shit myself while carrying a handful of trashy romance novels down stairs but I didn't. I never really do anything and if I did slip in my own shit and destroy an expensive vase it would be a hell of a story to tell the grand kids.
TL,DR I was almost guaranteed to shit myself but somehow like John Cena I overcame the odds and managed not too and then was a bit upset I don't have a better story.
garycee: "Oh man, I wish I'd shit myself today so I could tell Reddit all about it."
[deleted]: Kind of yeah it just felt like a wasted set up.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406936110 | 1406936836 | t3_2cdqkn | t5_2to41 | 9 | vaxcom: TIFU with my idea to get a birthday cake for a co-worker
I hear in conversation that it's "Joe's" birthday today, and my mind instantly switches images of fresh CAKE. I throw out the idea of running out at lunch to get one, for us to cheer a happy birthday to him. And have some cake. People love cake. Good cake.
Our immediate group of five are on board and throw in a few bucks.
We proceed to have lunch together and then give him the inevitable
happy birthday chorus and present the cake.
I know, not cool.
He then responds with the 'thank you's'....casually looks around and ask's
if there is a box for the cake. I point to it at the end of the table.
He takes the box and without any given fucks, slides the whole cake
back into the box. Picks up his lunch belongings along with now boxed
cake, and strolls into his office.
He took the fucking cake.
I had set out plates and forks, with a knife - in plain view.
We got no cake, disappointment all around.
dohrihtoh: What a prick. My heart goes out to you and your cake-less co-workers.
vaxcom: We're getting ourselves a better cake, he'll not be there. It's the least I could do because I lost my mind, I generally despise doing that in a work environment.
dohrihtoh: I'm glad. You and your buddies enjoy every bite of that cake, you deserve it.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406935966 | 1407025554 | t3_2cdqda | t5_2to41 | 12 | Musicalmoses: TIFU by not Fucking Up, and almost getting arrested for it.
A tiny bit of background: So my neighbor (we will call him jim) recently got evicted, and moved the last of his stuff out last night.
Today, I was sanding on the street outside my apartment, waiting to hand off some work to a customer of mine. We chat on the side walk for a minute I give him his guitar (I am a luthier) he pays me, and *right before he gets in his car I am approached by a police officer and a constable.
Cop-Hey there. What's your name?
Me- (Musicalmoses)
Cop-Do you have any ID?
(At this point I knew that a constable was there to put up the no trespassing signs and evict who they needed to, so I didn't feel threatened)
Me-Sure! *reaches for wallet to find an empty pocket* um...I left it in my apartment (strike one), but you can walk with me to get it. Are you here to evict jim?
Cop-what's your last name?
Me- ***** (strike two, jim has the same last name)
Cop-oh yeah? What apartment is yours?
Me-251(strike three, jim lives in 252)
Cop- ok. Let's walk back to your apartment.
My customer- excuse me officer. I know this man, I have known him for many years. I am an doctor here in town, and I can vouch for him.
Cop-that's nice. Thank you doctor. Let's go to your apartment.
In our way there we pass another neighbor and the landlord.
Cop-hey guys is this him?
My neighbors knowing that I, a dreadlocked, bearded, 160 lbs. white guy with stretched ears; I don't look similar to jim. But they think the cop is joking.
Neighbors: Yeah! That's him! Get him! Ha"
The cop is confused by this, even though he shouldn't really be. He *should* have probably tackled me, cuffed me, and taken me to jail. Thankfully, this cop wasn't one of those dickless-lizard-cops.
Cop-really?
Neighbors-uh....no.....(unconvincingly)
We get to my apartment and I how him my faded tattered ID (still have the paper one because the dmv takes forever.
Cop-oh wow. Look at this
He shows me Jim's drivers license photo from a year or so ago. Dreadlocked, bearded, 170 lbs white guy with stretched ears.
Close one. Turns out he had some felony warrant, and they wanted him BAD.
Chimpeterson: Bullshit.
Musicalmoses: Well, it's true. [I really do appreciate your opinion though!](http://i.imgur.com/p9h7V6F.gif)
Chimpeterson: I can't be mad at that link.
Musicalmoses: It's beautiful, right? If I could find the person who made it, I would give them a real life $1. They earned it.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1406937504 | 1406966819 | t3_2cdsoe | t5_2to41 | 247 | Chumawumba: TIFU by almost kissing a girl that I have liked for a long time but ended up running away at the last second
So today it was one of my coworkers' last day at work, and everyone was sad to see her go. She was very pretty and everyone liked her/enjoyed her company. Now I am an average looking guy, nowhere in her league but since I was the first guy she met when she joined the company, we naturally became friends. I haven't really been in a serious relationship in a while, so I didn't really advance towards her, mostly I just treated her as a friend. We both liked each other and would go out for lunch together at least twice a week. She would flirt with me occasionally, but I never acted like I was interested (even though I totally was) so anyways, today was her last day, since she was moving, so she was packing her stuff in her cubicle by herself. I came into her cube to say goodbye for one last time, and when I walked in we started talking about general stuff like where she was going and whatnot. After a few minutes, she said "I'm really going to miss you chumawumba, and I want to have a memorable last moment."
Before I knew it her eyes were closed and her lips were puckered up; she was about to give me what would have been the best kiss ever. Right before her lips touched mines, I went into panic-mode and ran out of her cubicle and into a closet, wondering what the fuck just happened. TIFU.
tl;dr hot girl out of my league almost kissed me but I hid in a closet
EDIT: I'm not gay and I can't spell
ILikeMyFishRaw: Maybe its time for you to come out of the closet
Chumawumba: The irony, I know
ILikeMyFishRaw: You should go back to her and give her that kiss, shes probably feeling worse about it than you are
Chumawumba: I feel like total shit, but I can't even fathom what she must feel like. This happened like 5 hours ago so she is long gone already.
TheRealMcCoy95: CALL HER!! MARRY THAT BITCH
Eighty9MadDogs: FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY
| 7 | 35.285714 | |
1406937343 | 1406938464 | t3_2cdsfk | t5_2to41 | 4 | jnelso1555: TIFU by panicking during a phone interview
**Background - I have really really bad social anxiety and tend to lose all learned abilities of communication when in an uncomfortable situation like an interview or giving a presentation.**
So I applied to this office job on campus at my school and kinda just forgot about it after a week, it was one of 4 or 5 jobs that I applied to. After trading missed calls a couple of times, I finally start talking to this person, sounds like a young pretty nice lady. So she throws her first question, "What can you tell me about yourself?"
*Huh.. what do I know about myself... I give her my year and major, and after an awkward pause throw in that I just pledged a fraternity the past semester.*
"What made you choose to work in this office and why are you more qualified than the other applicants?"
*Shit. I have no idea. I really don't know why you should pick me, I don't even remember what this job entails. Did not see this question coming.*
"Oh I think I'd be a really great asset to the office. I've great organizational skills and I think can like sit there in the chair and organize things..."
My brain has now stopped even pretending to be involved in this engagement. I was sinking fast and concluded that the entire call was a bust and it was time to escape the situation.
"Um, I'm sorry, I can't do this right now. I'm really sorry."
"Are you ok...? Do you want to call back tomorrow maybe?"
"Yeah I'm fine, I just can't do this. Tomorrow would be great, thanks, bye."
I did not call back tomorrow.
dz-porkchop: The problem sounds like they didn't even plan or set up a phone interview. That can really throw a person off his interview game.
PluckyWren: Though, the questions are generic/standard b.s. questions.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406938547 | 1406939330 | t3_2cdu6z | t5_2to41 | 7 | asar2525: TIFU By Asking For a Raise
Not today, but a few months ago. This summer I returned to the same internship that I did last summer, at a contract manufacturer as an engineering intern. About the third week into the job, I sent an e-mail to HR asking about the possibility of a raise citing a few reasons: It was my second year at the plant, I had another year of school under my belt, and the amount of responsibility that my supervisor piled on me was about twice as much as the year before (this caused me to stay late a few days but I was unable to report the hours due to not being qualified for overtime.)
So I sent the e-mail late on a Friday evening and go in Monday and go about my business until 9:30 when the director of HR sent me an e-mail asking to come down to his office.
"OK" I thought, "he wants to talk to me in person about it, maybe negotiate." I was very wrong.
I go down to his office and come to find out that they're firing me for "not being in line with the spirit of the internship program" and asked me to leave immediately. I understand that asking for a raise can be a sensitive issue, but I figured worst case scenario I would get a simple "no". It was quite the way to start a Monday.
Saturnalia93: Eh, I don't really think you fucked up here honestly, I mean, it sounds like you worded the e-mail rather well and weren't acting entitled or rude. They should've just said "no" and had you resume your normal duties.
asar2525: I fucked up by asking for a raise while at the very bottom of the food chain. Even if they maybe shouldn't have responded the way they did, the whole situation could have been avoided if I hadn't asked. They also told me that I shouldn't have sent it in an e-mail, which I do agree with.
It's funny, they verbatim described it as "entitled" and tried to claim that I was acting superior to any first year interns.
Saturnalia93: I mean, yeah, I suppose they raise some fair points. Still don't think you were being entitled, OP.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1406938216 | 1406962690 | t3_2cdtp2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | gottahandittoya: TIFU by launching a severed leg across the room. (Possibly NSFW?)
Throwaway for reasons that will soon become obvious.
I just recently started work four months ago as a veterinary assistant at an animal clinic. Since I'm the new girl, I'm seen as more likely to fuck up, which kind of makes me nervous during even the most routine procedures (I have a constant inner monologue of "Don't fuck up, they're waiting for you to fuck up. Don't fuck up").
So as a vet assistant, I don't get to do as much as a veterinary technician, but one of the things I can do is monitor during surgery. Basically I watch the animal under anesthesia for any complications in breathing, temperature, heart rate, etc.
One of today's scheduled procedures is a leg amputation on a dog. I've worked in animal clinics before so while it doesn't happen everyday, I'm not phased. Surgery commences, I'm monitoring. I'm holding the leg steady at certain angles when the doctor needs me to, keeping an eye on vitals, everything goes well, and I start to get a bit of a confidence boost. "Hey," I think to myself "maybe I'm not as much of an accident prone fuckup after all!"
Afterwards, I'm cleaning up the surgical table when one of the techs (we'll call him T) grabs the leg out of the bin we've stored it in and says "Hey, gotta **hand** it to ya, you did great assisting in surgery today." I laugh, say thanks, and get back to cleaning.
Unfortunately, T hasn't put the leg back in the bin. He leaves it on the edge of the surgical table. I don't see this and as I turn to put some dirty instruments in the sink, I hit the leg with my hip and send it spinning across the room. I let out a gasp/yelp hybrid that immediately draws attention to me. At first there's confusion from everyone in the treatment area (Three techs, another assistant, and two doctors - one of whom being the owner of the practice) and then stunned silence as they realize what's happened.
The leg had gone spinning and landed with a dull, almost squishy, thud a few feet away. There's some blood on the floor, the walls, and since the end of the leg I knocked into was the severed end, my scrubs. I slowly walk over, all eyes on me, and carefully pick up the leg by it's paw. I walk it over to the bin and place it there calmly. No one offers to help as I clean up where the leg landed. They're still completely silent.
Finally the owner of the practice breaks the silence. "Well, accidents happen. He won't be needing that leg anyway." The rest of the staff take it as a cue to move on and everyone insists for the rest of the day that it probably could have happened to anyone. I try my best to shake it off, change into clean scrubs, and move on with my day. Still, I don't think I'll be able to monitor during surgery for awhile.
TL;DR - Didn't watch where I was going, bountiful woman hips sent a severed leg flying across the room.
Teotwawki69: To be fair, this wasn't actually your FU. The tech is the one who put the leg where it wasn't supposed to be.
g0ldbar: I agree, had T placed it where it belonged instead of on the table this never would have happened. I wouldn't sweat it.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406938736 | 1407006677 | t3_2cdufw | t5_2to41 | 205 | _Solution_: TIFU by telling my son ninjas are real
A few days ago my wife and I were taking the kids on a family vacation to the beach. On the drive there my 6 year old son was asking some random questions; One being "are ninjas real?" my wife and I both told him yes, because, well, they are. After we got to our hotel we got checked in and headed to the boardwalk for some rides and unhealthy food. The boardwalk was very crowded with a wide variety of people. As we are walking around my son starts jumping up and down, pulling on my hand, pointing, and shouting "A NINJA, A NINJA!" That's when I see that we had just walked past a Muslim family and the wife was wearing a full face burka with an eye slit. I had to break it to my son that she was not a ninja; and she was wearing it because of her beliefs. Thankfully I don't think anyone in the family noticed.
Teotwawki69: Next, you have to tell him, "If you can see them, they're not a ninja. You can't see real ninjas."
That'll keep him paranoid for a while...
_Solution_: I'll take him to the annual [ninja parade](http://www.archi-ninja.com/annual-ninja-parade-slips-through-modesto/).
genericname1231: *NINJAS CAN'T CATCH YOU*
*IF YOU DON'T GO TO THE PARADE*
| 4 | 51.25 | |
1406940108 | 1406948906 | t3_2cdwgx | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by being heartbroken and confused.
This fuck up actually has been happening for about 36 hours or so but just about ten minutes ago it has really escalated. A little back story:
Me and my boyfriend have been together since January of this year and we were fantastic! We were long distance because he is in the military right now but it didn't matter. He said that he never fell for someone so hard and saw us together in the long run! He visited for two weeks on his leave in April and it was the best two weeks of my life so far. I loved him.
After his leave things began to change. He started getting temperamental with me and said hurtful things such as "I can't even see my own future right now how can I see a future with us together?" or "I don't know what I want anymore." He was supposed to take his leave in October to Arizona to spend time with me and then me and him would visit his family like we did last time. But now suddenly he said that he doesn't want to visit me. That he wants to travel instead. That he hates he has to see me and then fly out again to see his family. He just wants to go to one place alone. That he wants to go to Europe and then spend two weeks with his family alone. You would think he would want to see me again. Then yesterday it happened. He said he wanted a break. He said he needed to get his life in order before he could re-include me into it and he doesn't know how long it will be. He said the military was killing him and causing him to be someone he wasn't but no matter what it still hurt.
So then the fuck up started occurring. There is this man at my work that has liked me for a while and that I am very much attracted to. I ended up falling to him for comfort. Me and boyfriend were on break so it didn't matter and it's not like I have kissed him or slept with him. But he tells me how beautiful and wonderful I am. He tells me how he could treat me right and give me what I deserve. He Asked me to hang out this Sunday. I said yes. My boyfriend or ex or whatever we are keeps on saying "I love you" but then doesn't want to be with me. And that he wants me in his life but then refuses to bring me into it. I was heartbroken and torn. This man I had met was so kind and yet I was still in love with my military boyfriend.
I fucked up. I told my boyfriend that since we were on break and if I met someone and if it would be okay if I saw him. He got pissed and said how could I cheat on him? How could I even look at someone else? He said that he loves me beyond belief and sees us together but just needs space. And I didn't know why I look at this other man. I lied then because I felt scared. I told him that we weren't talking anymore but I was. I was still talking to this man at work. And I am going to go on a date with him.
Now I am in this position where I am lying to someone that I love and claims to love me so much and I am with a man that I genuinely like a lot. The man at my work knows I am in this situation and says that he understands and wants to see where we go when I am ready.
I fucked up by confusing myself and hurting someone that I do love and being stuck in a ring of lies. I am torn and am still seeing this person. But I could possibly lose the love of my life in the process.
This was a really big fuck up.
PAPAY0SH: From what I can tell, it sounds like he's young and is still wanting to go adventure and do things he can't see himself doing with the complications of a home life or relationship. But he also likes you and your qualities, and likes being in a relationship when it's convenient for him. It could also be a possibility he just likes having someone to flirt with and hook up with on leave. To me it seams like he's torn between wanting to be with you, (which is why he got mad you were talking to someone else) and wanting to do the things he wants to do either by himself or with the guys. I'm sure his ideal situation in a perfect world would be for you two to to get the things you want to do solo out of the way and end up together later in life.
Edit: your "ex" sounds a little selfish not considering how both pushing you away and telling you he loves you will effect you. You should commit to one relationship though, or at least be honest with the ex and let him know someone else is willing to offer you what you feel you deserve and be clear what you are looking for in a relationship.
[deleted]: That is sort of what he said. He said that he wants to sort out his life and later get back together. He said he doesn't know how long that will take but not longer than a year he said. But during that time I am not allowed to be with anyone else. I don't know what that means for us or what he wants.
Redhead824: You need to take a breath, step back from both, and figure out what YOU want.
You can't make your ex happy right now, he can't even figure that out.
[deleted]: Thanks for the advice. I guess I didn't think of that in that light. I will do that for sure. Re-evaluate the situation.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1406942781 | 1406979442 | t3_2ce0ap | t5_2to41 | 11 | HAL__Over__9000: TIFU by buying a fleshlight [NSFW]
Or rather a counterfeit fleshlight. I was on Amazon and decided to buy myself some fleshlights. After some shopping around, I found a seller called HealthyPatches that was cheaper, but still around $70 a piece. But when they arrived, I found that they were fake, I even emailed fleshlight and they said that yes they were fake. Fuck. Now I can't return it because the box was opened. . . Well I guess I could try, but I feel like they would see that I did indeed open the box. Well fuck. Hey, at least I learned to not buy from HealthyPatches.
f_unit: You need more than one? Is there something we should know about your anatomy?
HAL__Over__9000: Well they have different textures. . . I thought it would be worth a try.
DangerousLilly: It is worth a try, and no one should be expected or shamed into having only one sex toy :)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406940331 | 1406947493 | t3_2cdwtb | t5_2to41 | 32 | jamesgangnam: tifu by taking my friend to a gay public bathhouse, witnessing something odd
Korean Redditors or anyone who’s ever been to Korea knows about Jjimjilbangs; public bath houses which function as super cheap accommodation, with gender segregated hot tub rooms, steam rooms and open-plan unisex sleeping rooms, with a bunch of other amenities.
I love these places and they’re a kind of a unique experience. So one night a few weeks back after watching a late world cup soccer match with my friend in the city, and too far from home to take a cab, I suggested we crashed there for the night, as it would be his first time in one.
Tired, and not totally down with hanging out in the buff together, we skipped the hot tubs and went up to what I thought was the unisex sleeping area. Something was off.
It’s super dark in there and the ceiling is really low. The only ones there are naked dudes, cramped up together in groups, despite the abundance of space, snoring away.
Tired, we decided to accept the situation and pulled some sleeping mats over somewhere away from all the un-ignorable pale buttocks and bushy cock nests.
30 minutes or so later after dropping off, I feel someone poking my arm.
“Dude…. Dude!! … Can you hear that?”
I can. Sounds of heavy breathing …. And some kind of sucking noise.
“Oh my God, Jesus man.. look… look at that.”
I look. One butt-naked homey is bent over a passed out dude, sucking on his teet.
Suddenly not feeling so sleepy, we sit there for a minute or so with pure wtf beating in our chests.
The next thing we hear is a grunting sound and a shuffling.
Naked nipple rapist has upped his game and is now sprawled across the sleeping man’s legs, audibly gobbling his Johnson.
We had no plan of escape at that instant, we just lay there whispering expletives to each other, trying to take in what was going down. As we were both feeling bad for the guy, presumably, unknowingly getting a free servicing, it become obvious that he had woken up mid-fellatio, apparently found the circumstances agreeable, and was now just kicking back, giving a few appreciative drunken groans of his own.
Next thing, he gets up, and all hunched over like a horny Gollum, starts a tour of the other sleepers, inspecting them for signs of consciousness. This guy was some kind of sexual predator. He passes over me and my friend, giving us a look over.
“If he touches me I’m socking him straight in the fucking nose”, says my mild mannered and thoroughly pacifist friend, pretty out of character.
Just then, another guy comes wondering in, sees Gollum with his boner, looming over his prey, sees his last meal still laid to waste but retaining an erection, and proceeds to stroll casually in, and among all the spacey, empty areas, parks his mat right up next to my friend, and rolls over to face him.
“I’m out.”
We leave quickly passing predator, now peaced out on the floor, gently tenderising his porkchop.
Back in reality, downstairs I tell the cleaner there’s a pervert upstairs going round raping people in their sleep, and with a knowing look, he just tells me we had wondered into ‘the wrong room’ by accident (the regular sleeping room was round the corner).
P.S. The next day a Korean colleague informs me this is one of three bathhouses known for underground gayness. As far as I can tell, Korea is not really accepting of homosexuality in the way some other places are, and whilst I’m glad guys like this have a place to go to indulge, the thought that there are some dudes who get their fix with unconscious drunk guys is a thought which keeps haunting me. We could so easily have woken up to something other than a worried nudge.
TL;DR
A few weeks ago IFU by taking my friend to a public bathhouse and narrowly avoided being sleep-raped.
ssjkriccolo: So the men pretend to be asleep so if they are caught or need to lie about being caught they can say they slept through it. Clevar
jamesgangnam: Pretty much what we figured. Everyone in there probably has some kinda plausible deniability in case they wake up next to their work buddy.
"I was drunk.. I don't know who this guy is spooning me right now.. that's not even my used condom hanging out of my stinker" And so on
ssjkriccolo: It was like the time i bled in school all over a chair. I don't know if anyone saw it but just have sure i made a story about being stabbed in the thigh in case they put two amd two together.
Poor still has to deal with period blood all over schools.
| 4 | 8 | |
1406939532 | 1406946456 | t3_2cdvk6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | gosparkgo: TIFU by having a little kid get in trouble for my irresponsibility
So today I was filled in as a camp counselor at a camp I'm not usually at, including having a backpack I don't usually take. The day was mostly fine, but at the end when kids were getting picked up I noticed one of the campers in my group (about 5 years old) getting yelled at by his grandpa because he couldn't remember where he left his water bottle. I helped him look for it for about five minutes, but I couldn't find it around the room or at the closest site. When him and his grandpa left he was still getting talked to about how irresponsible he was. Later I get home and it's been in my backpack the whole time, which I considered checking but couldn't remember when he would have given it to me so didn't. Definitely my fault considering he's 5. I know it's not that big of a deal compared to most people's TIFUs, but I seriously feel so bad for the tiny kid getting yelled at for my mistake.
RescueCutieCats: Go back the next session, give it to the kid while apologizing to him in front of his grandpa, or if gramps isn't there, by writing the kid a note to take to the old coot. Good life lesson for the kid (take ownership for one's mistakes) and a good comeuppance for gramps for being a dick.
PAPAY0SH: This is going to be your best answer here. Close it down.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406943510 | 1406949190 | t3_2ce1c6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | macho_man_2: TIFU by playing hockey with my friends
The three of us started off the day at six flags and were there for about a good 7 hours. We get to my house for some dinner, while dinner is being cooked we decide to play some hockey for a while just shooting the puck. After a while it turns into a full on two on one scrimmage. I go for a deke lift up my stick and *whack*. Get him right in the head. Now he's at the hospital waiting to get stitches. Did I mention his sister is still recovering from leukemia...
rohlinxeg: My wife and I met playing pickup ball hockey. Before our first date we had a pickup game, where I was a goalie and she was a defenseman right in front of me for... reasons.
Guy at the point winds up for a slapshot and BANG, puck hits her right in her eye. She ended up being fine, eventually, and we had a happy ending although our first date was delayed by several weeks.
macho_man_2: Well I guess everything does happen for a reason right?
| 3 | 1 | |
1406946779 | 1406966570 | t3_2ce5qw | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a friend to put something in her purse.
I'm an 18 year old year 12 student that attends a very left-wing private school in the south of Melbourne Aus. Where I live magic mushrooms grow wildly and this Winter me and my stoner mates went picking and tripping and in general having a good time.
Our Yr 12 formal (like a prom or deb) was coming up and I decided to take my oldest friend (we'll just call her Margot because I was just watching The Royal Tenenbaums) as a date. Her and I grew up together because our mothers were best friends, but about 18 months ago Margot's mother passed away, my mum was devastated and obviously so was Margot, we're closer than ever now.
On the night of the formal (last night, so technically i didn't fuck up today) there was going to be a sweet after party. Oh boy, me and my friends were going to trip and it was going to be awesome. Margot wouldn't be with us, she had to go shopping for her birthday dress tomorrow morning, and she didn't want to anger her dad, who was very strict. I put some shrooms in my bag then think, 'what if my parents accidentally see them?' They respect my privacy and aren't the type to look through my shit, but what if they check to see I bring a jacket in case it gets cold? So I ask Margot to put the bag in her purse.
So you've probably figured it out now, bouncer's check her purse. I'm such a fucking idiot. If I put them in my bag they wouldn't search it (our teachers told us if we wanted to bring alcohol to the after party then we put it in our bag and leave the bag in the coat room, the bouncer's wont care). My dad came to pick me up, dropped Margot home, explained the situation to Margot's dad and then took me home to scream his head off.
You older redditors are probably thinking 'oh, you silly fella. Don't worry, it will all be fine, I remember when I was in high school...ect.'
Nope. Double nope.
I'm fucked. I could be kicked out of school, being a private school they don't tolerate this shit. I've got less than 50 school days left before I graduate my Victorian Education Certificate (VCE: meaning I'm less than 50 days away from finishing High School).
Not to mention Margot, god knows how her dad will react. They're not her shrooms, and she has enough shit to worry about.
I feel like shit, I've caused such a huge fucking mess because I'm an idiot. I've disappointed everyone I love or care for, my friends, my parents, my teachers, Margot. I do this shit all the time (not quite on this scale), I have an easy going care free personality that means I'm easy to get along with. People care for me and like me, and I treat them like shit, absolute shit. I'm 18, what happens when I do this shit when I'm 28 or 38? This isn't just a maturity thing, I'm a fuck up by nature. I'll get married and then fuck that up, I'll have children then I'll fuck up being a father, I'll have a dozen different jobs and I'll fuck all them up.
I've been depressed for a few years now (God I hope no one from my school reads this) and last night I planned my suicide. You might think that this is just a harmless incident and that all I need to do is learn my lesson and that I'm over reacting. I'm not, this is just another sign that I'm a burden to the people that love me. I feel sick thinking how Margot's dad is acting now. My parents were so angry my mum basically said the same thing, that I cause pain in people's life and that I'll never change (I know, I will never change, I've tried, and tried and tried). I considered waking up on Saturday morning, put my running gear on, chuck my headphone on and wait for a car to drive down my road.
At the last minute I'd run in front of it.
It would be painful for my mum and dad, but at least they wouldn't feel like failed parents. I feel bad for the driver but it wouldn't be his or her fault. It would be sad but ultimately for the best. I've done shit like this all my life, and I have to stop it. I've tried everything but this, and this is the only guarantee that I will only hurt the people that care about me one last time.
I talked to my mum about some stuff and well, I realised I can't do it. She said she'd rather have a son that fucks up sometimes then no son at all. I have a lot of problems and I don't think I can handle them all, but...I don't know. Maybe I'll grow up one day, maybe I'll keep fucking everything up until the day I die. But after talking to my mother for about 6 hours, I've decided that that day won't be for a while.
I've never submitted or even read a TIFU so sorry if I broke some rules. If you know who I am or go to my HS, please, please inbox me and don't show anyone else that knows me.
EDIT:TL;DR gave my friends my drugs to put in her purse while going to a school dance, ended up disappointing everyone, teachers, parents, friends. I feel like utter shit.
BunnyG: Hey I know it is hard to believe but a lot of people have done worse and turn out pretty ok. Right now you are only seeing the negative aspects because you are depressed. Depression skews your perception in a way that keeps you in the rut. Try to focus on solving the problem, accepting the outcome and moving on from it. Lingering on past mistakes gets you in bad places. I am sorry you just went through all that.
[deleted]: thanks a lot, I've been spending all day trying to fix my shit and it's been ok. I think I'll be ok eventually.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1406946922 | 1406948756 | t3_2ce5yv | t5_2to41 | 28 | souwant2bcliche: TIFU By eating police grade mace...
So, like most of these, this happened a couple years back...
Some backstory. I used to work at a public pool in my late-teens. As the only public pool within sixty miles, we catered to a pretty rough inner city crowd. Thankfully, every weekend, we had a policeman watching the entrance. Well, one of the cops was hilarious...the size of a linebacker and really intimidating looking, but nice as anything. He successfully convinced me one slow afternoon that all policemen are required to eat their mace during training, and offered me some.
I sprayed (admittedly way too much) on my tuna sandwich, and nommed that sandwich like nobody's business. Only to feel the burning fires of hell burning holes through my intestines for the next 24 hours. Lesson learned: don't eat police-grade mace, even if a cop tells you it's totally cool. He thought it was hilarious.
8bitninja4000: So that mace was a little-
*puts sunglasses on*
Fishy.
*sunglasses fall off and I apologize and run away*
Handska: Tuna-p those pun skills!
8bitninja4000: Well, do you *sea* what I did there?
Handska: I'm sorry, I don't know any more fish puns.
Uh... Sharks! Water! The salty kind!!!
8bitninja4000: Hahaha. This reminds me of a time a couple years ago when a group of buddies and I started making puns *all* the time. Eventually, we started picking a theme at the start of the day, and having pun-offs for the rest of the day. One time we did ocean puns XD.
So yeah.
Handska: It was obvious that I am in the presence of a pun master!
8bitninja4000: It mostly turned into us saying something that sorta had to do with the ocean, then everyone else groaning. XD
| 8 | 3.5 | |
1406947790 | 1406952349 | t3_2ce772 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting in a church...
Obligatory disclaimer that this didn't happen today but a few months back.
My college town has a fun bar hop that everyone gets in on. I have a problem with over consumption of alcohol and I tried to be careful; but after a certain point I stop paying attention to what I was drinking. At the third bar I was at, my ex girlfriend showed up and I was showing off and trying to be cool. I was already pretty drunk but I bought a long island ice tea for the first time in my life because it was only $5. I then continued to hang out with my friends when suddenly.... I woke up in a church.
I had gotten black out and wandered away from my friends without them noticing. I must have separated from them around 3 PM and I woke up at 11PM on a church pew really messed up. From here on is when the alcohol takes control so bare with me: I ate a couple slices of communion bread and started drinking the wine. From there I went into another room and looked through the drawers and found first communion candles. Took one of those. There was also a lighter; the big kind and I took that too. I really had to go to the bathroom to the point I was going to shit my pants and I couldn't find the bathroom and I went into a back hallway and shat out the most disgusting alchol-y poo I have ever had. From there I went upstairs and jammed out on the organ... So at least now I can say I played a giant pipe organ. I finally decided it was time to leave and I went out the door that was already wide open.
I had no idea where I was and it was dark out. I don't know my city too well so I was trying to get my orientation but this was during last winter when the arctic circle was traveling through the USA so it was basically -20 degrees. I could only stay outside for about ten minutes then I'd have to hang out in those spaces between the front door and the actual inside of apartment complexes. I used the candle and lighter for fire and cuddled myself around the tiny little flame. I did this for about an hour trying to figure out where I was.
Finally I ran into a guy and a girl. They were in the exact same situation as me. Got too drunk and were trying to find their way home. One dude had a phone and used it to call his friends and they came and picked him up. They left without us, leaving us in the cold to die. The girl knew where we were but didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't know where we were, but I had a house near my college campus. So we put our two situations together and started making our way to my house. We would stop in those open apartment entrances when we would get too cold and used each other for warmth. Did I mention I only had a sweater on? We finally got back to my house and we made our way to my room. I would have made the moves on her... but keep in mind that I shat in a church so my ass crack was just full of dingleberries. Did I mention she was a 26 year old high school art teacher compared to my 21 years? That would have been the greatest accomplishment. Would have taken a shower, but everyone knows its bad to take a hot bath after being outside in the cold so we just laid together on the couch in my room embraced for warmth and we fell asleep.
When we woke up in the morning I helped her find her friends because she lost her phone the night before. We went to my friends house and hung out there until she got picked up. When I made my way back home and ran up the stairs.... My room mate was talking to a cop at the top of the stairs and I hear "There he is."
I basically shat again (but didn't). I asked the cop to talk to me downstairs. He pulled out my ID and keys and said this was found at the church. My thoughts frantically raced and I decided the best course of action would be just to admit it (which looking back is really stupid). He told me that the priest wasn't going to press charges but he said that if I had anything from the church that I need to give it to him so I ran upstairs and grabbed the half melted candle and gave it to him. He also gave me the priests number and commanded me to call him and meet up with him.
After a couple days of procrastination the cop showed up again and used threats in order to speed up my process of calling him. I met with the priest and he walked me through all that I had done (which is one of the reasons why I can explain it even though being completely intoxicated) and told me he forgave me. We then lit a candle that would burn for seven days and said a prayer. I also replaced the bottle of wine that I had drank.
tl;dr: Went on a fun drinking event with my peers, got blackout and woke up in church. Shat on floor, couldn't find way home, met hot girl who saved my life, couldn't put moves on her because I couldn't wipe at church, and to top it off almost arrested for breaking and entering.
My grandma was a big catholic, so I like to think of it as her keeping me safe in my blacked out alcohol state. I'm sorry to whatever deity exists in the universe, and sorry to the priest for dirtying his church.
ICannotHelpYou: Jesus Christ, dude.
[deleted]: Good pun, but I haven't drank since then and I don't plan on it. Alcohol makes me do animalistic things such as this and I do believe that I have alcoholic tendencies.
ICannotHelpYou: Good call.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406948372 | 1406993685 | t3_2ce7yq | t5_2to41 | 83 | WindyGlass1: TIFU by accidentally exposing my breasts at a Vet apppointment
I bought a dress online that I thought would be really cute on me in person. When I got it, it looked great except that the breast area (which has a row of buttons in the middle) was a bit strained which made me unsure about how appropriate the dress was. My boyfriend assured me that it wouldn't be a problem, and that it looked great (I know, consider the source). But anyway, I had already bought the dress, it was on sale so I couldn't return it, so I decided "what the hell, I'll wear it." So anyway, we go to a vet appointment today for our cat, just an annual check up, no big deal. When we get to the exam room, there are two women, the vet and a helper who are treated us kind of strange but nothing too out of the ordinary. They both then left to go get the cats medication and my boyfriend turns around to realize that about nearly half of the buttons had come undone effectively exposing my breasts to a woman describing heartworm medication. It is also worth mentioning that this woman was probably staring at my boobs while she was also inserting what appeared to be a thermometer in my cats anus (aka the beginning of the grossest porn ever). Whoops.
TLDR: Dress too small; pops open at the vet
JohnSmooth42: You must be that vet's breast customer. I'm so sorry.
escott1981: No your not. lol Nice pun! Hi5!
everymop: Curious to know why you got downvoted. Wrong usage of "your"? I'll upvote you.
ixiduffixi: Smart men never try to be the [hero.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koJlIGDImiU)
everymop: Sigh...I await my comeuppance. Haven't heard that song in awhile :)
| 6 | 13.833333 | |
1406948758 | 1406951721 | t3_2ce8ih | t5_2to41 | 5 | anal__throwaway: TIFU by dropping my 'dildo' on the floor.
And by 'dildo,' I mean a screwdriver with a rubber glove on the handle.
Okay so being a Friday everyone else at work had taken off a little early to get their weekends started. Since I was alone in the office, I felt like messing around. I locked up the doors and brought some hand lotion (makeshift lube) and the screwdriver into the bathroom, I pulled up some porn on my phone and let the anal pleasures commence.
I was crouching down so I could get a better hold on it, and the screwdriver slipped out onto the floor. I quickly grabbed it and wiped it off with a paper towel, and resumed the activities.
Apparently it was a bad idea to continue without replacing the glove because soon after it started to itch a bit. Now I'm sitting at home 4 hours later and it itches **a lot**.
I assume it's not a good idea to scratch the inside of my rectum, so I don't know what to do other than wait it out.
TL;DR: dropped 'dildo' on bathroom floor, itchy butthole.
PosthistoricDino: Just go for it. The worst you can expect is brown underwear.
anal__throwaway: It's laundry day soon anyways!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406951002 | 1406952377 | t3_2cebgr | t5_2to41 | 5 | ToriaAnn2397: TIFU by backing into my stepdad's police car.
I had just got off of work and was about to head to a friend's house. I have only been driving frequently for about a year and I have a bad history of minor finder-benders, not helped by the fact that I have a very long and narrow driveway. I had seen the car parked there when I pulled in but neglected to remember that it was there when I began backing up. I saw the car parked there when I looked in my mirror at the last minute and it wasn't until I pulled forward that the real damage was done by my bumper hooking the front finder ( I drive Ford Ranger while my dad's police car is a Charger.). Anyway the entire front bumper was detached and the passenger side headlight was busted.
Telling him was the hard part and it wasn't without a few tears and foolishly attempting to push the bumper back on that I delivered the news. He was furious and we learned the following morning it was about $2,800 worth of damage. I still don't know if my insurance will kick me off, this being my fourth reported wreck. No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to stop fucking up. I'll never have a nice vehicle and I may not be able to drive at all soon because if my insurance kicks me off, I can't afford to pay for my own working part time at a grocery store.
ICannotHelpYou: You need to reverse slower...
ToriaAnn2397: It probably has more to do with my lack of paying attention.
ICannotHelpYou: Well, make sure you pay him next time.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406949535 | 1407026405 | t3_2ce9k5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my new neighbor think My roommate and I are a gay couple
Just happened:
I just moved into a house with three other dudes(call them T, J, and P). My neighbor, an older housewife/teacher, came by to give us a pie, since she's trying out baking or something.
It was just me there, and she asked why I moved here. This is the story I was going to tell:
"Well, T and J have known P for a while and have lived together before, and P and I met a couple of years ago and we quickly became best friends. So, since I needed to get out of where I was, when P suggested I move in with them, I knew that they were cool and I figured why not?"
This is how the conversation ended up:
Me: "Well, T and J have known P for a while and have lived together before, and P and I met a couple of years ago and we quickly became--"
Neighbor: "I thought this was a 4-bedroom?"
Me: "Oh, yeah it is."(What an odd question to ask)
...and then she moved on to another topic, which now that I look on it means that not only does she think we're a couple, she also finds it at least awkward, if not straight-up wrong.
I'm rather upset, because she seems like kinda the neighborhood gossip, and there's no easy way to bring it up, and it affects how people will react to my good friend, and not just me...
Anything I can do?
iIntervate: Walk around the neighbourhood with a chick and kiss her. Simple.
PIRATEghost85: Dude this is Reddit...
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1406945916 | 1407039467 | t3_2ce4m1 | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a girl that "I'd think about it" when she asked me to prom.
This happened in high school a few years back. While at another dance that I went to stag, a girl (let's call her Alex) began dancing with me and grinding on me. Now she is very pretty, but stupid junior year me is not into her. At the end of the dance she asks, very flirtatiously I might add, if I would go to prom with her. I had already been thinking of asking her friend (let's call her Lily) and so I told her I would think about it. Fast forward to the next week and I had thought about it and decided on yes.
Alex was (and still is) smart and very pretty, and I had become interested in her over the weekend. So after class I tell her that I would love to go to prom with her and that I didn't know what I was thinking when I told her that I'd think about it. Alex proceeds to tell me that she already has a date. Arrogant jerk that I was, I was actually taken aback and Alex walked off. I was stunned for a bit, but then I felt that I was off the hook since she had a date and could freely ask Lily to prom, which I did and she said yes. Prom arrives and Lily and I arrive before Alex.
When Alex finally arrives, I see that she has no corsage and no date. My heart drops and I feel like an absolute douchebag. My date Lily ends up being no fun, does not really dance or want to party afterward, while Alex is sitting at her table practically the whole night looking sad. Lily and I part ways after the dance, she goes to dinner with her friends while I go to party with mine in a hotel room, along with Alex. I could have made a move but it just didn't feel right and I felt like a jerk. I have never told her about my regrets even though I have seen her many times since then while in college and we both moved to the same state within hours of each other.
-hellboy-: I mean you fucked up by saying you'd think about it but you shouldn't feel bad that she went alone because she said she had someone to go with. You also fucked up by not telling her about your regrets.
green_mojo: Yeah I've been wanting to tell her for a long time now but I just don't know how to approach it. One day maybe I will, we don't see each other often and I'd prefer to tell her in person.
TheIncredibleInk: I feel like it's going to be one of those serious, plot moving, sitcom moments.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1406953122 | 1406957534 | t3_2cee7y | t5_2to41 | 233 | [deleted]: TIFU By Doing Something Nasty With A Microphone
I used to play guitar in bands. One evening I was doing a solo acoustic set—just me sitting on a stool onstage with my acoustic guitar. My acoustic guitar did not have a way to plug it into the sound system, so I positioned a microphone in front of its sound hole in order to amplify it. Unfortunately, I was nervous and my stomach was a bit upset. With the combination of nerves and no pre-show bathroom break, just as I moved the microphone into position in front of the guitar in my lap I let loose with a rectal roar. I farted. Right in front of the microphone—which was running through a 1000W sound system with massive speakers pointed to the audience.
I hastily shifted around on my stool, still clutching the microphone down low, hoping that my movement would cause the stool to scrape against the floor and thus be a scapegoat for my flatulence. Nothing. The stool could have been resting on velvet. I glanced up and saw a kid in the front row to point at me and loudly exclaim, “He just farted!”
I quickly announced my first song and pounded out the chords as loudly as I could.
swiggityswooty92: You gotta hold them in til the music starts! Oldest rule in music!
[deleted]: It wasn't even in key. :(
swiggityswooty92: Oh well, coulda been worse. Ha! Can you imagine if you were using a looper and it recorded the fart?
[deleted]: Is that how dubstep was created?
| 5 | 46.6 | |
1406954072 | 1406982065 | t3_2ceff3 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking milk.
Im lactose intolerant and when I consume any dairy I have terrible stomach issues. This morning I ordered a drink from starbucks with a ton of milk in it, but it slipped my mind completely. 2 hours later while I'm at my SO's house, it hits me. I instantly feel like there are acid turds saturating my intestines and that I'm going to pop at any moment. I run to her bathroom (already fuckin up I hate using her bathroom) needing to shit badly. As I claw off my pants and begin to sit down, a thin stream of liquid shit graffitis her toilet and surrounding wall. A proceed to unleash hell out of my asshole for a solid 10 minutes before cleaning up as best as I could. Have you ever tried to get shit off a wall with wet toilet paper? It's essentially like water coloring.
TL;DR I pooped on my girlfriends wall.
Dinosoarman: I'm lactose intolerant and i drink chocolate milk all the time.
The painfully wet poops are worth it, because of that chocolatey smell and taste.
rjchau: ***Taste***??
| 3 | 6 | |
1406955360 | 1407021853 | t3_2cegv6 | t5_2to41 | 259 | KU_Makin_Me_Broke: TIFU by attending freshman orientation at The University of Kansas. I was charged $14,500.
In July of 2013 I attended orientation at the University of Kansas and decided I didn't want to go to school there and ended up going to another college in the midwest. I contacted KU to cancel my enrollment and received a confirmation from the student housing department that they received my withdrawal. I never received any correspondence after that from KU. In February I got a call from a collections agency saying that I owed The University of Kansas over $14k. My family and I have made countless attempts to fix the error with KU but they are still insisting that we owe them money even though I never went to school there. My account is still in collections, my credit is ruined and overall my family feels like they've been harassed by the college. Apparently you get charged $14,500 just to attend orientation at the University of Kansas even if you withdraw and never actually set foot in a class.
EDIT: Monday update - It worked! Thanks to some of the great advice below we received a call from KU this morning saying that they were removing all the charges and would reach out to the credit bureaus to ensure that this would not negatively affect me in the future.
Steps We Took -
1. Started making noise via social media - We asked friends and family to post on KU's Facebook wall and Tweet at them. Many of our posts were taken down over the weekend, which we anticipated would happen, but at least that means we got their attention.
2. Wrote a concise email to over 25 people in leadership roles at KU explaining the situation and attached over 50 pages of correspondence with the college that demonstrated all our attempts to get this resolved. It seems like this is what really triggered the quick response.
Thanks to everyone who commented or upvoted. So relieved to put this behind us.
Thunder_bird: There is a good chance KU has 'sold' your debt to the collections agency. So KU is now out of the picture. They cannot call anything off now even if they wanted to.
So you have to deal with the collections agency. I think you have 3 options -
-ignore it, and run the risk of a ruined credit rating for a long time.
-offer the collections agency a nominal sum, say a few hundred just to go away,
-or call a lawyer.
Either way this will probably cost you money at some point.
neanderhummus: The reason you call a lawyer is that legally an American citizen has the right to deal with the first party lender.
I want to say it's the FDCPA but I think its the fair debt collection and credit reporting act of 1996 but its been years since I worked in a law firm.
TheR1ckster: I believe their is a time limitation on that.
neanderhummus: Nope
TheR1ckster: The major bank I worked at we had a period of time where we would forward charged off accounts to recovery, but past that we had to transfer them to the collections agency. Perhaps different with credit cards vs. student loans or something along those lines. I know we couldn't even access the accounts anymore except for it to give us the contact information of the 3rd party agency.
neanderhummus: No No, that's corporate policy, I'm talking if some hard head walks in with a lawyer, guess what. you take the money and the collection agency is left cold.
| 7 | 37 | |
1406954716 | 1406957867 | t3_2ceg45 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Simply_Red: TIFU by telling my 6 year old son Muslims are real
A few days ago my wife and I were taking the kids on a family vacation to the beach. On the drive there my 6 year old son was asking some random questions; One being "are Muslims real?" my wife and I both told him yes, because, well, they are. After we got to our hotel we got checked in and headed to the boardwalk for some rides and unhealthy food. The boardwalk was very crowded with a wide variety of people. As we are walking around my son starts jumping up and down, pulling on my hand, pointing, and shouting "A MUSLIM, A MUSLIM!" That's when I see that we had just walked past a Ninja family and the wife was wearing a full face Ninja mask. I had to break it to my son that she was not Muslim; and she was wearing it because of her beliefs. Thankfully I don't think anyone in the family noticed.
Thefinalhack: Err.. What the fuck?
Dinosoarman: Original:
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cdufw/tifu_by_telling_my_son_ninjas_are_real/
Thefinalhack: Thanks. Now I no longer feel that I have lost all understanding of the Workings of the world.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1406960075 | 1406963781 | t3_2celzk | t5_2to41 | 11 | TIFUataparty: TIFU by being a lightweight
Like most TIFU's this happened a couple months ago. February to be exact.
As the title says, I'm a lightweight, so thats why this happened.
A little backstory: Me and a girl had been dating for a couple days, but talked for a couple weeks. She invited me to my first party, and I accepted. I don't know what the party was for, just a party I think
So I get to the party, nobody really is there yet except her and a couple of her friends. i meet her dad, who delightfully shows me his handgun that he decided to holster on him sense I was there and I was dating his daughter.
After a while of not doing much, playing some Call of Duty the party starts forming together. I start playing some beer pong, which I found out I'm not to good at. I drank about 5 beers during beer pong.
Me and the girl go upstairs with her friends because some adults decided that bringing their kids (age 1-10) to the party was a good idea. I meanwhile keep drinking more beers, and took a shot of rum. I'm about 10 beers and a shot in.
After other shenanigans thats not worth noting, we all decided we wanted some more shots. I'm at least 20-25 beers in now. I'm the one pouring the shots, and I kept pouring myself them. Not knowing, I just took 12 shots and was already pretty drunk. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and thats when it all started.
I started talked to some dude I've never met before, apparently telling him my whole life story(all of this is from what I heard) then went to the side of the house, puked up a storm, then collapsed into my puke and fell asleep.
An hour or two later the girl I was with went looking for me, after looking everywhere and thinking I left she finds me laying in my own puke sleeping on the side of the house. Then her and her friend wake me up, and drag me inside and up the stairs while her dad is giving me the most disapproving look possible. They take off all my clothes besides my underwear, re clothe me in clean stuff then put me in a spare bedroom to sleep.
I wake up the next morning with no pants(but shorts) and no shirt on in a bed I've never seen before, also with 2 other people in the bed. The room stinks of puke and piss, later to find out the guy who was in the bed with me pissed himself, and the guy in the bed parallel to me puked all over. I had a massive hangover and decided the best way to get rid of it was to drink more. Got drunk again, and then the day goes on but isn't worth noting.
TL;DR Got black out drunk, fell asleep in my own puke woke up with no pants on and in piss.
Edit:Formatting.
ws479: I'm pretty sure you're not a lightweight if you had 20-25 beers and 12 shots...
TIFUataparty: I am a lightweight, thats what made it worse. Normally I'll drink a few beers(like 3) and be feeling near drunk. This occasion I just kept drinking, ignoring how I felt. Then i hit me. It hit me hard.
leopardg: You just got inaugurated into the heavyweight category my friend. Like seriously, that was a LOT of booze.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1406961374 | 1407048149 | t3_2cenan | t5_2to41 | 561 | marriedinabathroom: TIFU by making up a name at Starbucks
A month ago, I went to Starbucks to get a drink near closing time. I was a bit distracted with my phone, so when the cute barista asked me what my name was, I said "Michael", the person I was texting.
When things were less busy and she walked past the table I was sitting at, I decided to ask for her phone number.
We ended up going on a five dates since then, and I really enjoyed spending time with her. Unfortunately, I still have no idea how to break the news to her that my name isn't Michael.
sobok: Wait, that didn't come up like... The first date?
Just tell her its a middle name or some shit
HunterSDrunkson: That's how you end up married for 10 years then have an argument when she sees your real name
sobok: Eh witty sitcoms have told me its not so bad
DiggingNoMore: ...Mulva?
[deleted]: DELORES
| 6 | 93.5 | |
1406961376 | 1406962611 | t3_2cenao | t5_2to41 | 12 | tishstars: TIFU by picking home-grown blueberries in my yard
In the end my blueberries did, in fact, bring all the baby worms to the yard... and my mouth.
Jelliclekitty: You should get it checked out ಠ_ಠ
tishstars: Seeing the doctor tomorrow hopefully to make sure my stomach isn't a haven for parasites.
Jelliclekitty: Good luck to that ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°
| 4 | 3 | |
1406961889 | 1407013889 | t3_2cenqs | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by puking on a girl's back during the doggy...
NO. This didn't happen today. It was a couple of years ago during the summer after my senior year in high school. Since it seems like you guys like to hear about some fucked up shit, and Reddit subscribed me to this subreddit involuntarily, I figured I would share.
Anyway. Flashback a couple years. I'm dating this girl..she's quite beautiful. I had actually had a crush on her since I was like 14 years old...and only recently had the courage to ask her out. After I finally did, things were great. We were quite frankly in love with each other (physically anyway). We were like rabbits...if you know what I mean.
So, One day I took her out for steaks. The entire time in the booth she was fiddling my legs/junk with her feet...so we were both pretty turned on before the food even got there.
Fast forward to after the meal; We head back to my house..my parents/little brother are at an amusement park for the day, so both of us knew exactly what was going to happen when we got back home..
She was wearing a "sundress" I guess you could say. Just some skimpy, thin little dress that some would argue was engineered purely for easy access. Anyway, we get to my bedroom and start going through the bases. She decided against wearing underwear on this particular day, so I thought that it would be sexy if she just left that skimpy ass dress on while we did the dirty. At some point we decided to 69. It was super dark in my room and I couldn't really see anything. While my tongue is moving around with the fury of a thousand hurricanes...I start to notice a..smell. Nothing too bad, just something I wasn't used to. I quickly forgot about it and went back to my business; I guess I just attributed it to the hot/humid weather we were having on this particular day. A few times during the exchange...I let my tongue slip down past her lady parts into the deep, dark unknown. She seemed to like it, because everytime I slipped down there, she went faster, and faster.
Finally, it got to the point where neither of us could stand it anymore and I literally threw her into the doggy position. After 15 minutes or so, I grabbed my phone to take some pictures/maybe a video (which we occasionally did). I opted for the video. The flash was already set to constantly shine during a video, and it was very dark in my room at this time..so I went for that. I clicked the record button and the room filled up with light. I looked down and flipped up her dress to catch a glimpse of the naughty, now illuminated by the camera's flashlight. What do I see? BROWN. Her fucking ass cheeks were caked in scat, like she started to let out a turd and squeezed them together like a hydraulic vice before the little bugger made it into the toilet, leaving a mosaic of symmetrical, putrid disgustingness on both cheeks, AND the inside of the dress. At this point I immediately start having flashbacks to our little 69 session, and how I let my tongue drift down into the dirty abyss.
All of the sudden, I start dry heaving while still inside her. I think she thought I was about to finish or something because she started moaning louder and louder. As she seems like she's about to finish, I projectile vomit ALL OVER her back/scat covered ass. At this point I had pulled out and ran to the bathroom to finish puking. I'm puking in the bathroom and I can hear her screaming in my bedroom.
When I finally came out of the bathroom, She was gone. But it was clear that she left in a panic. There was a vomit trail literally in circles around my bedroom on my hardwood floor. Apparently she ran a few laps around my room before finally running out of my bedroom/house...trailing vomit the entire way to the front door and out onto the sidewalk.
I spent an hour cleaning that shit up, praying that my parents and brother wouldn't come home anytime soon. Thankfully, they didn't..and when they came home they were none the wiser.
About a month later I left for college and I haven't talked to her since...
TL;DR: 69'd girl in the dark, licked her butthole. Took a video of doggy style after the oral, phone's flash illuminated scat errywhere. Puked on her back. She trailed it all through my house, haven't talked to her since.
6romperstomper9: The bitch new she half shat, yet allowed you to rim her? Man she has balls, she likes what she likes!
TheR1ckster: She doesn't look when she wipes.
6romperstomper9: Ewww one of dem bitches, we know about dem bitches!
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1406959311 | 1407609583 | t3_2cel7v | t5_2to41 | 3 | XandraHart: TIFU by texting the bf instead of doing school work
Background: I went to summer camp about two weeks ago and met a guy. It's long distance and we text every second we possibly can.
Now fast forward to this week. I'm in my school's marching band, and our band camp started this week, which means i get the pleasure of spending six hours a day on my feet doing things that the human body was not naturally made to do. Our rehearsals are in the mornings and late afternoons/evenings which means i get a couple of hours a day in which i can do whatever. Well, i was supposed to do the work for my online class and practice my music for band, and i hoped to fit eating, napping and texting the bf in somewhere int those precious band-free hours.
Let's just say i managed to get plenty of time in texting the bf. I had done about half of the work that was due today, but had procrastinated in the rest. Well, here comes 6 in the evening, and i realise oh shit i still have all this work to do. So i rush to try and complete all the work, and 11 rolls around, the cut off time for due dates.
I think no problem i'll just stay up until who-knows-time of the morning, finish the work, and sneak it into the the system so that the teacher would see it in the morning. But just my luck, the system goes down for maintenance, and here i'm stuck with uncompleted work and no way to complete it. So i end up finishing the assignment that i have to do offline and submit to the system, and now i'm stuck with work that's going to be late and the only option i can think of is emailing the teacher in the morning and hoping he'll take my late work.
Tldr: texted bf, didn't do work, am now possibly screwed
JussaiLLusion: What are the consiquences? If there aren't any major ones you didnt fuck up
XandraHart: Thankfully, no because since the system didn't warn us if the maintenance, my teacher forgave all late work. But i don't plan on doing that again
| 3 | 1 | |
1406960884 | 1407091550 | t3_2cemru | t5_2to41 | 18 | Hectooo: TIFU by taking off my pants
I woke up and went to the bathroom to change out of my pajamas. As I started to put on my pants, I get this weird fuzzy feeling. I have low blood pressure, so when I get up fast, I get this weird thing where everything looks real weird and I can't see very well and I usually stumble a little bit. Anyway that happened while I was putting one leg in the leg hole (?) of the pants. I wasn't sitting down however. I was trying to balance on one leg and then the weird fuzzy vision thing happened. As I stumbled a little trying to regain my balance from 1) being on one leg and 2) from the fuzzy vision, I trip over my leg and hit my head on the doorknob. I went to the doctor because I had a massive headache afterwards, but he said I was fine.
Tl;Dr: Got up to fast, tripped on leg, hit head on a doorknob
tfyuhjnbgf: At least you weren't at work and then pissed all over yourself.
Abivile93: Hhhehehehe :p love that story!
Jlucky14: Link?
Abivile93: On mobile bruh! Sorry but its a tifu from like last month?
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1406958582 | 1407052103 | t3_2cekh3 | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting a fire extinguisher in my trunk
Alright Reddit, it's story time. Gather round.
I recently moved into my new house. I've been moving a lot of stuff the past week and I came across a fire extinguisher I had purchased years previously. In fact, I cannot remember how/where/when/why I acquired this archaic piece of hardware.
Anyway, I own a sedan but no truck so naturally I have to make a few trips. I am almost done moving out, and it is time to bring the fire extinguisher to my new place. I actually checked the safety pin before I even picked it up. I made sure it was in place, then carried it to the trunk of my car. Positive that it is in a reasonably safe spot, I proceed to drive to my new house.
Now before you rightfully say "Oh rjalaskan, you dumb fuck. Clearly driving will make it roll around!", I drove like Mother Teresa in a school zone! Plus the safety is in, I have nothing to worry about!
Fast forward five minutes. I pull into my driveway and behold the splendor of true home ownership before me for a few seconds, as this is the last load and I am beat. I empty my back seat without incidence, then proceed to the trunk.
I open the trunk and a white dust cloud pours out. "Yo, what the fuck...", I say to myself as I lean down to inspect what demons have possessed my car. The trunk is *covered* in white dust from the fire extinguisher. Turns out, the safety had been removed before, a fact I had been unaware of until that harrowing moment. It had slipped out, and the fire extinguisher rolled back and forth throughout the drive, spraying the payload of what appeared to be a kilogram of cocaine all over my trunk.
TL;DR: Moving to my new house, no truck, put fire extinguisher in car trunk, safety is defective, now trunk looks like a crack whore's nostrils.
HolleWalter: At least you've got a nice house!
Nandabun: And maybe a super clean trunk soon!
HunterSDrunkson: Plot twist: Gets pulled over on way to carwash. Questioned for drug trafficking.
Nandabun: I was thinking he'd have a vacuum cleaner in his apartment/house..
HunterSDrunkson: You'd be surprised how many people I see using the god damn $5 a minute shitty vacuums at my local car wash
Nandabun: No I wouldn't! I'm from Myrtle Beach, there's like 8 car washes, haha.
| 7 | 4 | |
1406965414 | 1406988795 | t3_2ceqtx | t5_2to41 | 13 | Mind_Vudhu: TIFU by asking if a dead person was ok.
So I'm at work and news is going around about one of our co-workers and her mother getting into a car accident and dying. I'm really busy already and my mind isn't completely focused when they tell me the news.
I was actually really sincere when I looked at them with worried eyes and asked if they were ok.
The look on their face made me realize what I just asked and all I could do was stammer out,
"O-oh my god I'm so sorry, I wasn't completely focused on what you were saying because I'm so busy and I'm actually really sorry to hear that that happened."
I laugh now but my god was that just.. just awful.
JonNickReddit: Wait, shouldn't this be titled "TIFU by asking if a person mourning was ok"? Not dead person?
Mind_Vudhu: No, I was asking if the person that died was ok. As in they got hurt and would recover sometime after.
JonNickReddit: Oh, I see! Damn that must have been embarrassing :\
Mind_Vudhu: It definitely wasn't my best moment.
smokinporch: Yes, it was. xD
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1406967212 | 1407048936 | t3_2ces7d | t5_2to41 | 5 | ManHattanBox: TIFU- antibiotics and my ability to decapacitate myself
OK, first TIFU, hope you enjoy
So back story: a week ago I got strep throat, not too bad, just a mild case of it.
So I was prescribed amoxicillin
(antibiotic that is penicillin based)
To take for a week. Well, everything went fine till the 7th day, and last pill (taken 3 times a day mind you)
And you are supposed to eat before you take it, hell, its even alright to eat afterwards, just around when ya take it.
Well tonight my dumb ass forgot to eat, and decided, "fuck it, it will be fine" and quickly took the pill, and went to go play some vidya games. About 30 minutes later I start to get really itchy,
And really irritated, but I ignore IR, and keep gaming.
Now an hour and a half pass this of this, and I decide that I'm just sweaty and need a shower, I'm uncomfortable, this happens in the summer sometimes. When I go to take my shirt off I notice I'm red everywhere, red bumps, everywhere.
I realize its hives, and really bad. I'm talking everywhere on my body, yeah, even some on my ass and crotch and thighs, I'm a guy, thank god it wasn't on my dick.
So as any guy I freakout and ask wtf why? And instantly realize its the med.
Worst part is tomorrow I'm supposed to go swimming with my gf, and if I still have hives then, I can't go.
To top it off, it hurt my pride because I thought I wasn't illergic to anything. So I might be to penicillin, a very common and useful drug, my sister can't have it either, at least it isn't deadly for me like her.
Tl;dr: took amoxicillin, forgot to eat with it, turned into claiming red tomato of itchy-ness
g0ldbar: You should be fine. Try drinking some milk and a cool shower.
ManHattanBox: Worse than you think, its the deep down hives, not that surface shit, ive got one solid chunk of it on my chest the size of a softball. That's just the biggest tho
Edit:spelling and stufd
g0ldbar: Ouch man. I have never had hives but my fiances kids get them from time to time. We normally cool them off and they are fine after. Also might try an oatmeal soap. Other than that look like you are sitting out tmw.
ManHattanBox: I've still.got them now, and it sucks dude, not to mention the fact that this sorta stuff drives me.insane.
g0ldbar: Damn man...
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1406964804 | 1406998169 | t3_2ceqcp | t5_2to41 | 21 | fendergirl: TIFU When I loudly sharted in front of all my potential friends at a birthday party
Happy Saturday. I was an awquard fifth grader so when I was invited to one of the more popular girls birthday party I was thrilled. I picked her out a trendy lava lamp and packed my coolest pajama set and I was on my way. After hours of man hunt and party games her mom bought some pizza. To my demise, I realize the pepporoni was extremely spicy which always seemed to send me into a frenzy of stomach pain. After a few hours I was thankful that I wasn't feeling any symptoms, the last thing I needed was wretched ten year old gas to scare away all of my potential friends.
Skip ahead a few more hours, it was getting late and a few of the girls were getting sleepy so the rest of us decided to move into the playroom. We all nonchanantly start chatting I take a seat on the work part of an old wooden school desk as we start joking and goofing off, when one of the girls pops a toot. She turns white but then everyones starts to laugh hysterically. I decide now is my chance, since someone had already broken the fart humour barrier I figured I could maybe even gain the upper hand as I seemed to have inherited my dads ability to "rip a healthy fart" as he would say. I decided to let it go, more literally than I had hoped , I loudly sharted the storm that had been conspiring inside me and everyone knew instantly. Silence immediately hit the room as everyone stared at me with the same look of appall, confusion and fear glued to their faces. I felt I needed to say something for myself but all that could get off my tongue was"I just I pooped my pants.". I didn't get invited to many parties after that until I moved out of the painfully small town Ithat I grew up in, I often still wonder how long they secretly made fun of me for that.
zumokollie: Yooo. This is probably a scar in your life that still hurts when you talk about it. So, I mean no harm in saying . . . . This is the funniest shit I have ever read in my entire life. Holy God. "I loudly sharted the storm that had been conspiring inside me...." Gold. Pure Gold.
Nandabun: This story ranks about a 6 on the hilar-o-meter of what's available out there. You should go digging! Just make sure to wear protection..
| 3 | 7 | |
1406965711 | 1407006847 | t3_2cer2v | t5_2to41 | 13 | HunterSDrunkson: TIFU by using a flash drive
I told my mom I'd help set up her new printer for her. I had downloaded the driver to my flash drive which also had some amature photosets I'd downloaded. I put the drive in not thinking about the autoplay feature. In a few seconds windows photo viewer popped up and an image of a woman spread eagle on an exercise ball, clam and teats in full view popped up as we were talking. We both looked back I screamed like a girl at a Justin Bieber concert and blamed spyware.
TLDR: turn off thay god damn autoplay
jdl77535: were they your pics?
HunterSDrunkson: Seeing as im a 6'2" hairy assed man....no. They were chicks. Off a /gonewild type site. And im actually not lying, it wasn't gonewild, I'd have no shame in admitting I made a deposit to the spank drive from there, but I didn't.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1406970563 | 1406981210 | t3_2ceutw | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by washing my dick after I peed at work
So, we have a shared bathroom with one toilet and sink.
I felt an urge to pee and went to the bathroom. Well, I wash my dick every time after I pee so it's clean and no stains left on my underpants. I did the thing and while washing my weiner the door suddenly opens and that is a female coworker. YES, I FORGOT TO CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR. She stared at me for maybe 2 seconds with her jaw dropped to the floor. She saw me, my weiner and god knows what she thought.
fullmarksdemello: Seek her out. Tell her you were peeing into the sink, because you were too drunk to realise you weren't at home. Show her your secret stash of Scotch. Make an Alcoholic Buddy. Get fired together. Mistake your shared misery for love. Move in together. Hate each other. Get married. Resent each other. Have kids. Take that resentment out on them. Beat them daily. They will have kids. One day you try to touch your eleven year old granddaughter in the bathroom at a highway Dennys. Your son finally finds the courage to stave your head in with a shovel. Your wife remarries and moves to Atlantic City, where she turns tricks between 3 and 6 pm outside a suburban middle school so she can afford her 8 to 8 nickle slots addiction.
Seawolfe: Thank you for that usage of stave.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406971873 | 1407022218 | t3_2cevum | t5_2to41 | 4 | mymojossodopebitch: TIFU by mentioning Ted Bundy on first date.
This debacle actually happened around 6 months ago.
I had started talking to a girl on a dating site and we had been texting for quite a while and seemed to be hitting it off. I managed to convince her to bring around a movie to my apartment one friday night for our first date. So she turns up and she looks even better than her pics online, tall, dark wavy hair, hot body, wearing tight leggings...basically hot af.
Things are going swimmingly and she says something like "I don't normally come around to people's places like this without meeting them first, but I think sometimes you can just get a good vibe about someone". This is where for some reason I say "That's true, but then girls probably said that about Ted Bundy".
All of a sudden the mood changes and next thing she supposedly gets a text from her son saying that he's in town drunk and needs a ride home and takes off never to be seen again.
SlavicHavoc: Cool story, bro.
wolfman86: Did the username that probably belongs to a 15 year old give it away????? :D
SlavicHavoc: Nailed it.
| 4 | 1 | |
1406973863 | 1406978231 | t3_2cex7r | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a private message to 14 people.
So, my friend (we'll call her Agatha) "likes" my bestfriend (and we shall call him John) and she spoke to me about it, in quite some detail, and I told my bestfriend she liked him when he brought it up (she had been acting weird around him for weeks)
FW to this morning, it's 3AM and I'm trying to message my friends in a facebook groupchat, including my friends Agatha and John. While I do that, I learn that Agatha doesn't care about John anymore, so I tell him. But when he doesn't believe me, so I screenshot the message and send it to him.
THIS IS WHERE I FUCK UP. BADLY.
I go to click on his thread, at the top, and a message comes through on the big group chat everyone is in. I still tap, not realising, and send the picture. It's not until a minute after I saw the name at the top.
Other than "I'm done with you.", she hasn't spoken to me. It's been 8 hours, and I slept for 7.
TheEnKrypt: I live in constant fear of something like this happening.
OP, you have my sympathies.
MRS_CAPS: Snapchat is not your friend
TheEnKrypt: I triple check the recipients every time I send a snap.
Why, internal paranoia? Why?
MRS_CAPS: If someone were to tell me that they have a snapchat and have never accidentally sent a snap to the wrong person, then I guaruntee they're lying
TheEnKrypt: Well it depends on how often and how cautiously they use snapchat.
I've sent a lot of accidental snaps, but my nudes have never been on a phone that I didn't want it to be on, thankfully.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1406973265 | 1407088690 | t3_2cewsp | t5_2to41 | 22 | DanceToCellDivision: TIFU by almost blinding my friend
I was staying at my friends house and I needed to take a dump. As if taking a dump at a mate's house wasn't awkward enough, he decided to turn the bathroom light on and off (whoever thought of having the light switch for a room on the OUTSIDE of the room is one evil fucking genius). So not only was I shitting out half-digested KFC and Jelly Shots, I was shitting out half-digested KFC and jelly shots in the fucking dark. Naturally, I was pissed and shouted at him (as best I could with my drunken slurring). His next crime was enabled by another architectural sin, the door had NO LOCK. He came into the room while I was dumping (my willie was exposed mind you, its quite small and im very self-concious about it [12cm isnt that bad is it?]) and started throwing cups of water on me.
This is when I lost it. I stood up, shit hanging out of my ass like brown moss between two hairy boulders. I grabbed a giant bottle of soap with a picture of a pink cleanly sheep on it. I cornered him in the hallway and sprayed the soap all over him, both of us absolutely pissing ourselves. I sprayed it on his hoodie, pants, arms, legs and I didnt stop there! I squeezed almost half the bottle on his cackling face. His rumbling laughter quickly turned into hellish screams. "WTF?" I was thinking. I looked at the bottle in my hand and realised it wasn't soap like I had thought, it was fucking bleach. What I thought was a cleanly pink sheep on the bottle was a naked red bull holding a toilet cleaner. I dropped the bottle and stepped backwards as my friend held his shaking hands against his face.
"I'll call an ambulance" I said
"No dont!" He said
"My mum will be so pissed"
"Can you see me?" I said, testing if I had blinded him or not
"Yes!" He shouted
"Put some fucking pants on!"
Wow, this post is too long. I'll post a second part later, im too drunk/tired/traumatized to finish it now.
NotEvenTheRealJesus: First off, it's not really THAT embarrassing to take a dump at a friend's house. I have one particular friend whose house I've gone to specifically just to shit.
And second, I hope your pants weren't down when you were pissing yourself.
[deleted]: What? You have a friend's house you specifically go to shit? That is fucking weird.
NotEvenTheRealJesus: Well I've only done it once. So far.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1406972739 | 1407024007 | t3_2cewge | t5_2to41 | 31 | SierraGT2K: TIFU by elbowing my two year old in the face while sleeping
My wife and I still let our daughter sleep with us because she gets nightmares/can't sleep in her bed the entire night through. This morning around 2AM I must have been having a bad dream because I was seriously flopping around which I somewhat remember. I woke suddenly to the sound of intense crying and that's when I realized I elbowed my daughter in the face. Elbow must have landed right square on the nose. My wife seemed pissed because of what I did and what time it was. Her nose was bleeding but we don't think it's broken or anything serious. We finally calmed her down after two hours and they fell back asleep. I feel horrible about it and cannot sleep but will hopefully take a nap later today.. alone.
nkdninjafrog: I regularly do this to my girlfriend. Even in a king size bed I still manage to elbow her in the forehead once a week
neko_loliighoul: It's pretty fucked up that my first thought on reading your comment is that I wish I could get elbowed in the forehead once a week
nkdninjafrog: Apparently she said earlier the same night she headbutted me when she was rolling over. My brain wanted revenge I guess
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1406978948 | 1406982362 | t3_2cf0xk | t5_2to41 | 4 | astronautic: TIFU by scratching my nuts
So for about a week I've had minor jock itch. It's not enough to go to the doctor, but it's enough to be uncomfortable. This morning, I chopped up jalapeño peppers to put in my eggs. I then forgot to wash my hands. About twenty minutes ago I felt an itch coming on and I scratched my nuts.
It took a minute for the heat to settle in, but for the past 15-20 minutes my scrotum has been on fire. I tried putting milk on it but it didn't work. Help me!
Corporation_tshirt: How do you know OP is a guy? I mean... Oh. Right...
Good luck, dude.
Abivile93: Yeah i replied then reread the story. And remembered why i knew its a guy posting.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406976186 | 1406992567 | t3_2ceyvu | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a young girl jump into bushes in fear for her life.
Happened about 6 months ago.
I was out drinking in Scotland, just outside Glasgow in a smallish town. In the town centre we have 3-4 bars and 2 Night clubs. It's a regular
Saturday night (Sunday morning) I had a few beers with my friends and we went to nightclub for a few more, as the night progresses we slowly split up and start making our own way home.
It's closing time and I am all alone. I leave the club with a crowd of about 100 people and I head straight for the chip shop, and get myself a nice supper; by this time the taxi queue is a mile long and regularly walk home (when its dry) as it's only about a 20 minutes walk.
I start walking eating away at my pizza super, about 5 minutes in to my walk it starts to rain. I finish my food and pick up the pace from relaxed stoll to I must get home now pace. It's pitch black and I should mention I am 6 foot 5 and lift; I can often look intimidating but in reality I am a gentle giant.
In the distance I notice a lady in a pink drink dress and heels. I am rapidly catching on her, and she looks round and sees me. I knew right away what she was thinking because imidiatley she picks up her own pace.
I feel incredibly awkward about the whole thing its almost like some kind of race where she doesn't want me to catch her and I just want to get home. Every single corner we approach I am hoping she needs to go the opposite way from me but fat chance. There has been 3-4 good opportunities for us to go completely different routes but nope she has taken every direction I need to go and this is starting to look less and less like a coincidence with every step.
It gets to the point where I am about 20 feet away and slow down because I just don't want to get any closer, and I am trying to tell myself this all in my mind, and she probably hasn't even noticed me.
She turns round again, looking right at me and my nervous as hell reaction was to smile and I have no doubt that I looked just like some kind of creepy serial rapist. She immediately starts to jog with heels as far as that's possible so I shouted, "I'm not a rapist. I am just trying to get home. The first thing that pops into my head was, "yea that's what a rapist would say."
We are walking along a path with a road on our left and a well maintained set of bushes to our right. The road splits like a t junction and I need to go right and so does she, she disappears behind this bush and out of sight. When I walked past she was not so very subtly hiding in the bushes with her pink dress. I pretended not to see her and rushed home.
Most awkward 10 minutes of my life thus far.
Li0nhead: Was she attractive?
Optional1: You've got to be fucking kidding..
| 3 | 31 | |
1406980203 | 1407006981 | t3_2cf1xd | t5_2to41 | 9,658 | Holden_Caulfiend: TIFU by masturbating in the restroom at work
Debated about creating a throwaway for this one, but decided to kind of just embrace my past. So like a lot of TIFU stories, this happened a while ago.
This was eight years ago when I worked at a megaplex movie theater in Orlando. It was a summer day and I was tearing tickets. Usually ticket-rippers switched off after two hour shifts, but I enjoyed getting paid to just stand at the podium, doodle on theater schedules, and pretty much do nothing, so I usually volunteered to just rip tickets for my entire eight hour shift. Anyways, it was summer and it was a particularly hot and muggy day in Florida, so a lot of the female customers were wearing short shorts, tank tops, etc. Like any horny seventeen year old male, this was all rather relevant to my interests and I got to the point where I needed to release the tension that had built up throughout the day.
Towards the end of my shift, I took a fifteen minute break and went into one of the handicap restrooms to jerk off (the nice restrooms with a single toilet, sink, and where you can lock the door). Now when I do the deed, I like to be laying down. Don’t ask me why, it’s just something I’ve always done since I was little. I guess I like to be able to stretch out my legs and I can also finish quicker that way. Since time was of the essence here, when I got into the handicap restroom I laid out on the floor and proceeded to jerk it. They cleaned the restrooms regularly and I’m not much of a germaphobe, so the fact that it was a restroom floor wasn’t an issue. Anyways, I guess in my haste in getting in and getting off, I didn’t properly lock the door. To this day I don’t know why the door didn’t lock. I can only assume I didn’t turn the latch all the way. About half way through my jerk off session, the door opened and one of my female co-workers came in to clean. Now I was laying on the ground along the wall that the hinges to the door were closest to, so when she opened the door and pushed it inwards, she didn’t see me at first because I was hidden on the other side of the door. She managed to enter the restroom without seeing me laying there on the floor behind her with my pants down. I knew I was dead in the water and it was only a matter of seconds before she would turn around. So I had to think fast. At the time I had recently watched some CNN documentary about kids with epilepsy. As the girl turned, I started convulsing on the ground and pretending to be having a seizure. The girl yelled “Oh my God!” as I just lay there shaking violently on the ground and staring off into space. She ran out of the bathroom and started screaming in the lobby for someone to help. As soon as she stepped out, I quickly pulled up my boxers to at least conceal my penis. Luckily the sheer terror of the door opening killed a good 75% of my erection on the spot, so I like to think it didn’t look like I had a boner. On the bathroom floor I debated how to proceed. I knew people would be entering any second. I then realized I was at the point of no return.
The assistant manager of the theater soon burst into the bathroom and I continued to convulse on the floor. He kind of just knelt by my side and put his had on my shoulder as I continued to shake there like an idiot. I mean there wasn’t much he could have done. An ambulance arrived in literally three minutes. When the paramedics came in, I decided it was time to “snap out of it” and so I stopped convulsing and just started to grovel on the floor and pretend to not know where I was. They put me on a stretcher and wheeled me through the lobby to their vehicle. A good sized crowd had formed at this point. They were about to take me away in the ambulance, but I got off the stretcher and insisted that I was fine. I made up some story about having had seizures my entire life and that this happened to me a couple times every year. I kept insisting that I was fine and was able to talk the paramedics into leaving.
The theater had my mom as an emergency contact so she eventually came and took me home. I could never tell my parents what really happened, so to this day they think I really had a seizure. In the following months I had to take several neurological tests, had to do several overnights at the hospital, and was put on a few medications (that I only pretended to take when in reality I flushed the pills down the toilet). Thank God for health insurance. In retrospect, it would have been better to have just gotten caught jerking off then to have had to go through all the lies, doctor appointments, and medical bullshit. This is where the true TIFU aspect of this story lies. After a while it looked like “the seizure” was just a freak one-time thing and it finally all kind of just went away.
I ended up working at that theater for another couple years and people were always really nice to me and thought I was just some poor schmuck who had a seizure while trying to take a shit.
TL;DR: Pretended to have a seizure to get out of getting caught masturbating at work
alexjbarnett: if it helps at all, i also find that stretching my legs helps me finish quicker..
[deleted]: Fellow leg stretcher here
[deleted]: I'm not sure if sharing your password with Reddit is a good idea...
[deleted]: You're probably right. End of the road, folks.
BrianDawkins: Did you just talk to yourself?
RonaldTheGiraffe: Different people logging into his account and replying
mq999: Or he is pretending to make it look like that.
KDLGates: He is attempting vote manipulation with one account and multiple personalities.
bbq-chips: It's probably /u/Unidan.
miniflip: You forgot the X
bbq-chips: What's the X for, might I ask?
miniflip: Unidan was shadowbanned and he changed his username to /u/UnidanX
Subject_Beef: Holy cow, look at all the down votes on that account...yet his two day old account still has more karma than most of us after 1 year.
Poor guy.
EazyCheez: yay i have more karma than unidan! ^^^^^^commentkarma
Subject_Beef: Nice! Congrats
| 16 | 603.625 | |
1406979537 | 1406984922 | t3_2cf1d5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | bindconfused: TIFU by breaking bathroom sink with my butt.
Ekhm, so yeah, I took a dump and wanted to sit on the sink and use it as a bidet to wash the fallout zone, just like I've done it many times in the past, successfully (hey don't judge me, I like that clean butt feeling).
Today was different, however, different because as I'm turning around to reach for the soap, the unthinkable happens, the sink cracks and collapses under my weight, and so does the cabinet. Mind that I'm not exactly fat, yet the structure must have reached the critical mass and collapsed under my weight. As I'm trying to get up from that wood-porcelain pile of shame, the sink springs back up a little and pinches my butt so hard that it's bleeding now. What a disaster, how do I explain myself when I call out sick today? Thankful though that the incident spared my ballsack..
tl;dr used sink as a bidet, nearly broke my butt
[deleted]: I hope you are kidding, otherwise you are a fucking animal.
veryunikeboy: [fucking animals] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpTgMA37Vwg)
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406983530 | 1407005356 | t3_2cf4qp | t5_2to41 | 6 | Rebirthqt: TIFU by borrowing a charger.
Roughly 2 weeks ago I borrowed my neighbors' iPhone 4 charger.
I used it some and used my friend's charger at their house.
The thing is, I come home and her charger is de_stroyed.
I spent like all my money taking some friends out to eat yesterday, and I have $20 to my name.
She texted me this morning "Are you done with my charger?.."
Fuck.
TL;DR I borrowed a charger someone in my house broke it, and I barely have any money, so don't want to replace it.
JorgeOhWell: Here's what you do: call any hotel in your area, tell them you left your iPhone charger in a room, they may ask what room but you can say you can't remember/it was after a wedding, whatever, and bam! Free charger! They've usually got boxes of chargers that were left.
Rebirthqt: The problem is I have like one hotel in my area, and it's roughly 30 minutes away I would spend more money on gas than a charger.
I may just tell her I broke it and and buy her a new one.
Amazing idea though! Thanks!
JorgeOhWell: Aw that sucks! Well I hope it works out for you...hopefully it's not too expensive. :)
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406983777 | 1406992789 | t3_2cf50r | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a girl multiple pictures of me in a pink lacy open ended thong, more pictures of me posing for her with her name written on my ass, and a video that starts with my face and ends up with me fingering my ass. Also sent another girl pictures of me with her name on my chest, full nude.
So for some reason I was getting turned on by sexting and sending girls pictures more than often, and somehow ( with the 1st girl, who is married ) this led to it getting kinkier and kinkier. The more we talked, the kinkier it got. It led to me being her bitch and sending her picture upon pictures to prove it. Even if she's deleted them, they're probably on a server somewhere, as well as fully nude pictures of me with a girls name on my chest saying I'm her bitch. Now that some time has gone by, I'm not really too turned on by it -- although who knows, maybe I'll have a kinky wife one day and have an open sexual lifestyle like the kid's dad who found his wife ramming his bum bum.
TL; DR TIFU by having extremely compromising pictures and a video of me on the web in some server someday and It'll probably come back to haunt me once I have a public career.
Dinosoarman: Bullshit
possiblyrekt: I mean you can call bs if you want...but whether it is bs or not bs, there nothing I can do except say " it's not bs". Hopefully nothing will ever come out of this though and it will be forgotten and gone.
Dinosoarman: Or you could give proof pictures, for proof.
Wiserum: For... Science?
| 5 | 1 | |
1406985502 | 1407031890 | t3_2cf6pl | t5_2to41 | 105 | uwir: TIFU by telling mom that I've wasted my entire college funds
the story begins before 2 years from now after my 18's birthday, I received my college funds, so I went to another city to college so as the days went passing by, I had no sense of control or to manage my money. so like a fool after 2 years I have wasted an amount of 10.000 $ wich is a very big number to a teenager here in my country "Morocco".
My dad pas away when I was only 4 years old, I was raised by mom and my grandparents, they trusted me, they thought I was a man, and I could deal with anything, but now everything collapsed the truth is revealed I told mom yesterday she had a seizure and a breakdown, she didn't sleep all night, because I was her only hope to have a life, to have a bright futur, to repay her for all what she went through for my sake. Now she hates me, I hate myself I deserve to die. if it wasn't that my religion and my high morals and my fear to meet my father's soul in the other side and to show him that his only son is just a coward; that forbid me to commit suicide I would have done it by now. I'm devastated, broken, shattered to pieces. I now I have to man up and make it right, but i can't there is no way, I can't face my mom again, I can't face the world anymore and first of all I don't know what to do next year.
ScallyGirl: Don't think like that. Your mum may be upset now but she still loves you. Talk to your university, see if there is any grant or funding programmes. Consider also switching universities, if possible, to your home town so you have the people you love and who love you around you to help you out (not with money). Get yourself a job and start saving money to help. Things may seem bad now but they will get better.
uwir: Hey,Thanks for your advice the university is free, but te rent is not, the food is not, clothes are not, school papers are not as well. I fucked up
Swarlsonegger: do you have all your limbs? if so, start working jesus christ I know so many people who attend university and just work at the same time for food and shelter.
uwir: I thought of that either, but the thing her in morocco, even if you have a diplomat you won't find any available work, the unemployment reached its climax I tried to look for a job before but nothing, even if I did find one I will get less than 100$ a month with a full time job. everything is fucked up, I need to came up with something
6romperstomper9: Do you have a passport? I may be able to help you. I need some packages delivered.....I will give you a free holiday and spending money.
smacko97: What the fuck
6romperstomper9: Do you have a passport smacko?
| 8 | 13.125 | |
1406988415 | 1407033805 | t3_2cf9sy | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining one six year friendship, potentially ruining another six year friendship, and losing an perfect potential SO
This is pretty recent. Like a day or so ago.
So I was dating a girl that I've known for 6 years and we have been off and on the entire 6 years. A new girl, which my "best friend" liked but messed up the whole thing, came into my life through some persistence on my part.
She was "dating" someone and so was I. Well I decided, hey invite her to dinner and get to know her. We had dinner and walked around town talking for hours. Then we sat around talking all night in her car.
As things started getting more personal, we kissed and kept talking. A couple more kisses and we were confused, but I knew I absolutely liked her and wanted more.
I told her I was giving her a choice after I left on my motorcycle and would text it to her when I was out of sight. I sent my address and waited for a response. Got home and texted her what she wanted to do. She said thank you for a great night but I don't think we should see each other tonight.
Next day I'm off work and we decide to spend the whole day at my house just talking and hanging out. Things get a little frisky but she is still against it since she and I both in "relationships" and it doesn't feel right.
Somethings happen with her "SO" and he is gone from her life. She comes over for some comfort and things go further now and she is enjoying it. She decides to stay the night and nothing else happens. I have to be at the work in the morning, but I wake up a half hour earlier than I normally would and we get frisky again. This time we have sex and it was great. We finish and we both start getting ready to leave. Everything was awesome at this point. You know, other than me being in my relationship.
The next day I am hanging out at her house with her friend who came to visit and the downstairs neighbor who is friends with her ex comes up and starts talking to her. Her friend tells me that is her ex and I get sick because I think she is going to back to him since that's how all my other ex's have acted when they come back apologizing.
I just grab my stuff and leave her place in a haste and she is still talking to the neighbor. I run past her outside and tell her I need to leave now and I don't feel good. She tries to stop me and I just say I need to go. I get a mile or so away in my car and text her saying she's toxic and she scares me and lots of other insecure things.
The next night I tell my current GF I need to talk to her and what not. That was super simple and I told her I don't think we should be together anymore because I always end up hurting you and yada yada. It went smooth other than she said I don't think we can stay friends anymore with what has happened.
I then text the new girl whom I've only known for a couple of days that it's done and that I'm hers. She proceeds to tell me that she needs time to think about everything and the fact that I decided to break up with my GF for her only after four or five days scares her. She said she will talk to me soon and I'm worried it's going to be bad.
I decide I need to go for a ride and by god that was awesome other than I'm a new rider and I was doing 80+ in a 35mph zone for 30 minutes laughing hysterically the entire time. Which isn't safe at all mind you. I get home take a couple drinks of Jack and go to bed.
I still have yet to tell my "best friend" that I fucked a girl he had mad feelings for and told me not to pursue. This is the second time I've done this to him. Once I tell him this, the broken friendship will be unrepairable. Another 6 year friendship ruined.
---
So other than getting that off my chest. Advice?
andrewa415: Advice? Dude, never make the amateur mistake of burning bridges before you are sure you have a shot with the other girl. 2) don't be self destructive to fix your problems. 80 in a 35 doesn't solve problems. 3) when hooking up with a girl who's taken, remember that more often than not - say 85% - they'll go back to that other. 4) THE MOST IMPORTANT PART: All your problems here stem from dishonesty. There's nothing wrong with going out and hooking up with scotes of girls, there is a problem with lying about it. Too all parties involved. Just be truthful about it. 5) your buddy doesn't have a call on the chick. Short of him hooking up with her, he doesn't have rights to her. It's simply sex that you got, he didn't. Tell him to step his game up so he can next take YOUR girl. 6) if you're in a relationship, be in a relationship, otherwise don't delude yourself. It's not fair to you or her. 7) thoughts on this?
ZeroManArmy: 1. It was bound to happen. The bridge isn't burned fully. We always have ways to get in contact.
2. I was in a psychosis and if my bike could go faster I would been doing 150+ if I could of.
3. That's what I'm scared of and she was hurt that I told her that and said she realizes how much we don't know about each other.
4. She knew I was in a relationship and I knew she was. Didn't stop us from doing what we did.
5. He never hooked up with her. He tried and she won't tell me what happened so I dropped it. He's to timid to do it.
6. Don't delude myself? How am I doing that?
7. Read above.
Valenmere: Honestly you seem like a grade a ass. Cheating is the worst.
ZeroManArmy: Honestly? You're not wrong. You're not the first person to tell me that.
flamingtoastjpn: Admittance is the first step to acceptance,
you've been rebranded to grade b ass
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1406987234 | 1407016475 | t3_2cf8gr | t5_2to41 | 40 | wongfong: TIFU by driving my date home
So I have a fantastic second date with this girl. She stays over and needs me to drive her back to her place in the city. No big deal, what could go wrong? I take out my E46 M3 and take some back roads into the city. It's a little wet out from some rain last night but I'll just take it easier. I always drive with traction control off and have never had a problem.
So we're driving along chatting away about our time last night and I decide to take a corner a little quicker than usual. I failed to notice that said corner rises and falls quite sharply. So we get a little air. Not a big deal, I do Autocross. I got this. Car slides a little bit. Again not a huge deal, this is kind of fun. I counter steer. The car overcorrects because I'm a dumbass and forgot it was damp out. Andddddddd we're in a full spin. The driver side slams the cement guard rail thing on the side of the road and we come to a stop in the grass. I check on her and get out to assess the damage. The driver side and my wheels are scuffed up and my rear wheel seems to be out of alignment.
After a bit of sitting there, we decide to see if the car was drivable. It was. So we limped the car home and I took her back in my other car.
So I probably fucked up my future chances with this great girl and fucked up my car because I thought I was Aryton Senna. I am an idiot.
tl;dr: Drove date home. Tried to show off in my fun car in the wet. Spin, slam cement median, limp home, awkwardly drive girl to her apt in other car. Probably fucked up any future chances with her. Fucked up my car.
Update: She let me take her out to see Guardians late last night. Things might turn out okay.
http://i.imgur.com/nh58iSZ.gif
Mentosz: Can't you just drive with traction control off in , you know , the tracks ?
HankMardewkus: Yes, but taking the TCS off on the public roads is really fun; it's a petrol-head thing. However, doing it in the rain was where this became a fuck up.
wongfong: Yeah, it was slightly damp still from the previous night but it was starting to dry out. I usually only turn on traction control if it is really raining out. Otherwise I keep it off to get used to the car handling in controllable speeds since I cannot always get to the track. I obviously misjudged that turn and bit off more than I could chew. Live and learn.
bloweroftheleaves: It seems the situation you described couldn't have been helped with tc. One of the easiest way to screw up while driving is doing it on a road you aren't familiar with. When you're driving hard the risk is increased exponentially... and when it's wet out.
| 5 | 8 | |
1406990429 | 1407058374 | t3_2cfc58 | t5_2to41 | 137 | [deleted]: TIFU because Tinder gave me an STD
So I am six months out of a long term relationship, and had been avoiding going on dates/hookups and such because I just wasn't ready for it. But I finally grew some psychological balls and decided it was time to stop spending the majority of my weekends by myself.
But another issue is that I also work in the fashion industry (temporarily, I don't really like it) so 90% of the men I know are gay, making it hard for me to meet guys.
I had heard so many bad things about OKCupid, so that was not going to be an option. I heard about Tinder, so I gave it a shot. It was about what I expected in terms of response. Most of the guys asking for pics or "DTF?" or just plain harassment. Pretty awful. There were a few who were really nice and I could have conversations with, but some conversations went nowhere.
Then there was this super dorky cute guy that I started talking to who got all of my nerdy references. He was a few years older than me, no big deal. And he asks me out for a drink, which was awesome.
I'm out with this guy, and he's super sweet and easy to talk to. I find out he's also recently out of a long term relationship, so the boundaries are clear. And we continue talking and drinking into the night and it’s just very, very pleasant.
We go back to his place, and it's the first time I've had sex in months. It was really good. Not just it's-been-a-while good, but like multiple orgasm good. And disclaimer: he had a condom on.
We're in his bed smoking a joint when someone starts buzzing his apartment really loudly and obnoxiously. It's 2:30 in the morning, so we were both really confused. He comes into the bedroom and says not to worry, someone just has to use his restroom, and I tell I hope it's someone he knows (because that's weird at that hour). I suddenly hear whispering, and I'm naked in his bed, but like and curious idiot, I lean to see out of the doorway and lock eyes with this girl.
“Oh fuck…” I think to myself. “What have I gotten myself into…”
The whispering turns angry and this chick suddenly starting yelling at me from the other room claiming she’s his girlfriend, and leaving the apartment with the door slamming behind her. The guy comes back in a haze and sits on the couch next to the bed, apologizing for what had just happened. Well, like a fucking crazy person, I go down on him to take him out of the haze, and it works for a little while. But he just goes right back inside himself. He apologizes, says he wants to be alone, and pays for my cab home.
The following Monday I’m at work and I start to feel the glands in my throat swelling. It tends to happen when I get the flu or a cold, so I was just pissed that I was going to be sick for a while. But then the sore throat came. Again, at first I thought it was something else, like postnasal drip, because that happens when I get sick too. But it hurt so bad, I barely eat for four days. Then something shows up on my mouth. That’s when I panic. I had already called off work, but I make for for the nearest clinic and wait. I meet with a doctor and she examines me. She’s funny and listens to what I say and gives it to me straight.
“It’s probably gonorrhea” she tells me. I’m actually relieved. Because the sore on my face made think it was The Herp. Gonorrhea is a curable bacteria. She tells me the sore on my face is stress related, strain 1 of herpes, not strain 2 (almost everyone has strain 1, it’s how you get cold sores). She gives me a shot and some pills. “No alcohol for three days. No sex for two weeks.”
Actually, no sex ever again.
I don’t know who gave who what. He said he was clean and gets tested frequently, and I know I was beforehand. Still, I told him because I didn’t want him to not know, and he was polite about it.
Maybe his crazy ex girlfriend bewitched me. I’ll never know. I’m just glad I can eat like a normal person again.
TL;DR-Don’t have sex on Tinder. You’re not ready for the baggage.
Edit1: formatting
Edit2: Okay the biggest issue here seems to be the ex-girlfriend. He told me he hadn't seen her in a month and his reaction was one of confusion of her being there at all. The man lived by himself, and was visibly upset that she had been there. Not the I-just-got-caught upset but the I-just-saw-my-ex-for-the-first-time-and-my-emotions-are-everywhere upset. After which point I left and only contacted him after I left the clinic.
Edit3: [Most of] You guys have really taken this in good humor and I thank you for your well wishes! This has been fun. I'm gonna go be abstinent forever now.
Edit4: **Got the results back and it turns out I was clean after all. Huge wave a of relief**
le_mous: Tinder didn't give you an STD.. Poor choices in that situation gave you an STD.
GeneralNotorious: >Said he was clean
>OP got gonorrhea and strain 1 herpes anyway
No OP, he obviously was not clean.
[deleted]: I was born with strain 1 herpes (like most people)
The big G came after. Thank you modern science for my pills.
wewaittodie: You can be born with HSV1? How is it that you know you were born with it, if you just found out that you got it after this?
If you were born with it, wouldnt you know not to go down on him anyway?
[deleted]: Yeah, if you get cold sores when you're a baby (like I did) that's HSV1. I didn't know that's what it was called, if that makes more sense. Just finding out about a thing doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't always there.
And having sex with it...you just shouldn't do anything when you have an outbreak. Outbreaks spread the virus. It's docile most of the time. I have HSV1 outbreaks once every two years at the most. I just put on some Carmex and don't leave the house because it's embarrassing.
wewaittodie: ahh, you werent relating cold sores to HSV1. Thats no biggie, should be able to meet lots of people with it... looks like 60%-90% of Americans have it.
Felonessthrowaway: Actually 54% of Americans ages 14-49 have HSV1.
####Overall, 54% of persons aged 14 to 49 had HSV-1 infection, and 16% had HSV-2 infection - See more at: http://www.jwatch.org/na33053/2013/12/11/us-rates-hsv-1-and-hsv-2-infection-are-falling-especially#sthash.392a2QT0.dpuf
wewaittodie: Assuming the average lifespan is ~65 years, that quote is only factoring only 30 years of a life, neglecting 28 years not accounted for.
>Everyone is at risk for oral herpes from HSV-1. In fact, studies suggest that by adolescence, 62% of Americans are infected with HSV-1. By the time people are in their 60s, up to 85% have been infected.
Source: Herpes simplex virus | University of Maryland Medical Center http://umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/condition/herpes-simplex-virus#ixzz39JBphXFY
University of Maryland Medical Center
Follow us: @UMMC on Twitter | MedCenter on Facebook
Felonessthrowaway: >Assuming the average lifespan is ~65 years, that quote is only factoring only 30 years of a life, neglecting 28 years not accounted for.
Not quite correct. Since HSV is not curable the stat I provided also accounts for ages 0-14. If you were infected before the age if 14, you would still have it at 14 so my stat still reflects those carriers.
Also the site you linked is not as up to date as mine. The study I linked was used by the CDC and was published in 2013.
Obviously as you get older the prevalence of an incurable disease is going to increase but the rate of prevalence does not reach the 80%s until people reach their 70s.
Also it's important to note that with each generation the infection rate of HSV drops quite significantly. In the last 10 years the infection rate has dropped by 20%.
wewaittodie: >. Since HSV is not curable the stat I provided also accounts for ages 0-14. If you were infected before the age if 14, you would still have it at 14 so my stat still reflects those carriers.
14-49 does not mean anyone who will be 14-49 eventually. It means as of now, who is in that range. No matter what you're saying. You can't say X% of all Americans when you're excluding a lot. Again, eventually falling jnto that age range doesn't automatically include it.
Let's say, hypothetically, that 1 in 5 Americans between 14-49 have hsv1. Well also say that 1 in 3 Americans between 0-13 have have hsv1. The percentage of group 14-49 will increase in the next decade.
Either waY you cut it, you can't say x% of all Americans have it when you're leaving half of them out of your calculations.
Edit: your method only works if you assume the other age groups are also 1 in 5 or better
| 11 | 12.454545 | |
1406987567 | 1407051147 | t3_2cf8ui | t5_2to41 | 17 | Macabre68: TIFU by nearly knocking myself out while shaving my balls
When I shave my balls I will get naked and stand in the bathtub facing the rest of the bathroom. I'm shaving away and everything is going great. I'm bent over a little concentrating on the task at hand watching the hair fall as I take the last few swipes with the razor. I attempt to move on to the taint and bend over all the way quickly to assess the situation. I must have been in the zone as I never payed attention to where my head was in relation to the side of the bathtub. I drill my forehead on the side of the tub and see stars as I start to fall. I fall half in the tub and half out, my ass sitting right in the pile of pubes.
[deleted]: I was expecting a sliced ballsack to be the climax of this story. 6/10
DocVanq: Yep, I share your dissapointment at the lack of sliced sack :(
g0ldbar: Sliced sack sucks... The more blades you have the worse it is...
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1406991984 | 1407039456 | t3_2cfe3p | t5_2to41 | 50 | TheRaven1: TIFU by losing $600 worth of soccer tickets.
This is just awful and I am in tears writing this. There is a huge Manchester United vs Real Madrid game at the University of Michigan tonight. I convinced my brother to pay for a ticket, even though they were so expensive way back in March or so and my dad was so excited there was no convincing needed. So, I bought the overpriced tickets through stubhub. They weren't great seats but we were getting to see two awesome teams, so who cares?
A few months later we receive the tickets in the mail. My dad showed them to me and I thought I had given them back to him, but the conclusion from the household is that I set them down on the coffee table in the living room and left them there. We are doing some major cleaning in the house, so nothing is safe. And they were expensive tickets, so they shouldn't have been left anywhere.
It comes up to the day of the game. I thought my dad had them, and he thought I had them, and they are no where to be found.
I called stub hub and they've done all that they can. They were actually really helpful, which was nice. I can get 25% back on the tickets, but this whole situation sucks and I know I disappointed my brother and my dad.
My sister is leaving for a whole year and we have her goodbye breakfast now and a guest over and I can't stop crying. This really sucks.
Spaghettiboobin: Head to the game anyway. With 109,000 tickets sold, there's going to be scalpers, and I bet prices will go for less than face, especially if you wait until after kick.
TheRaven1: That's a good idea and it came up, but I don't think my brother or my dad really want to spend anymore money on this game.
[deleted]: Buy the cheapest tickets to get you past the gates then proceed to your expensive seats.
The_Goodkat: > They weren't great seats but we were getting to see two awesome teams, so who cares?
LawOfCoverage: Just because they weren't the best seats doesn't mean he didn't pay a lot for them. Said he spent $600.
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1406981199 | 1407173143 | t3_2cf2pv | t5_2to41 | 68 | Beatminerz: TIFU by twerking on my grandma
So this didn't happen today, but rather about a month ago. For a little background, I am from Virginia, but now live in Michigan. Last month I was visiting my grandparents down south.
As anyone from the south will tell you, sweet tea has its own level on the food Pyramid. It just so happens that below the Mason Dixon line, McDonald's sells sweet tea by the gallon. Naturally, I bought 4. Problem was, they gave me UNSWEETENED tea, whose taste can only be compared to licking a wet butthole. Well, I decided that instead of wasting the tea, I would just sweeten it myself. Sugar won't dissolve in tea unless it's hot, so instead of trying to boil 4 gallons of tea, I decided to try and make my own sugar-syrup by melting down a mixture of sugar water in the microwave. Cool thing is it was working! I was on my last gallon when everything went wrong.
I was making my last batch of syrup. I was bent 90 degrees at the waist, looking into the microwave to make sure I didn't overdo it. That's when I felt two hands get placed on my hips. Thinking this was my brother trying to fuck with me and just being generally weird, I decide to be weird right back. So, I start shaking my ass in a way that would make Miley Cyrus blush. After doing this for quite a while and getting no reaction, I turn around. To my horror, it was my grandma who had placed her hands on my hips. I was blocking her path and she was just trying to get by. I'm am quite certain she has no idea about the concept of "twerking", but by the look on her face she knew that it wasn't something grandsons were supposed to do to their grandmas. I cannot describe the embarrassment I felt and continue to feel. She walked away without saying a word and we haven't spoken about it.
FGHIK: I highly recommend any other restaurants tea. Many of them sell by the gallon in the south, and I assure you most all of them are better than McDonalds.
Beatminerz: Yea McDonald's is definitely not high quality yea. But if you want SWEET tea, they have it. I call it diabetes in a cup
FGHIK: If you ever go to a place called chicken express be prepared for ten times the sugar.
| 4 | 17 | |
1406989545 | 1407013162 | t3_2cfb3u | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by unknowingly threatening a homeless man and getting punched.
So this happened last night when I was out at a pub with some friends. Around us was a drunk homeless guy bothering people for a cigarette. He was a young guy, much bigger than me (or anyone else there) and was clearly using his size to intimidate people when he asked for a smoke.
When we made his way to our group he asked me for a cigarette after which I told him no. He then tried to grab the cigarette out of my mouth. I again told him no but he assured me he only wanted to take one drag before handing it back. At this point (just wanting him to leave us alone), I decided to come up with some excuse as to why I couldn't oblige. I mumbled...
###"You'll regret taking this cigarette. Touching it won't be good for your health, mate."
I wanted to continue to tell him how I was recently very sick and he might get sick too but before I had to time finish my sentence he had squared upto me and gave me a full on "u fucking wot m8?". I tried to explain further but at this point his left fist was already on it's way to my head. I managed to deflect some of the blow but in the meantime he hit me squared under the chin with his other fist. At this point, the bouncers got between us and had to escort him down the road, away from the pub. Apparently he made his way back up a few times throughout the night looking for "that cunt who threatened me".
Pretty sure I have a hairline crack in my tooth from that uppercut so overall it was the worst possible phrasing of a pathetic excuse anyone could've imagined. The end.
Slaytounge: Learn his daily schedule, make a note of where he sleeps and wait patiently for the right time. When he's sleeping and alone, take out your knife and hold it up to his neck - he'll most likely wake up from the pressure on his throat but if he doesn't, gently whisper "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." Repeat this until he awakens. When he's awake he'll tense up and try to react, simply apply more pressure to his throat. Instruct him to get up slowly and keep his back to you, you can now move the blade to the right side of his lower back and if he tries anything you can give it a nice thrust and puncture his kidney, repeat until he collapses if necessary. Now, lead him to your kill spot - a place you have prepared where there are no witnesses and can dismember him in peace, a nice quality saw should do the trick but remember to have a plastic tarp under you to contain the evidence. When you've arrived at your destination he'll probably try and talk his way out of it but the only thing coming out of your mouth is "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." This will be the last thing he ever hears. Now that you've proceeded to restore balance to the universe, take out a cigarette and light up!
Maybe don't do this. But that guy is a serious cunt.
exmohammed: Someone give this guy a cookie. GREAT ADVICE.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1406993222 | 1407000225 | t3_2cffrh | t5_2to41 | 207 | hellboyfanboy: TIFU by falling 33ft out of a tree while trying to impress a girl I was on a first date with.
Let me give you some back story first:
I'm a 25y/o male who has not had a lot of luck with the ladies since breaking up with my fiancee 8 months ago. So i've been using an online dating side to try and find that special someone. I stumbled upon a gorgeous fitness fanatic who appreciates a lot of the same things I do, and we hit it off immediately.
We were supposed to hangout and grab a coffee Saturday night, but I spontaneously texted her to see if she wanted to hangout prank a friend of mine who lives in town. We tried to prank them and it didn't work so we went back to her place. At that point I decided it would be a good idea to show off my climbing abilities like a proper idiot. We both climbed the first few branches and were only about 5ft off the ground. I climbed higher because I had been used to climbing 40ft in the past.
I tried doing chin-ups for her near the top of this tree and after only getting in a set of 5, the branch snapped and then all I remember is waking up on the ground. I stumbled around and tried to get up and walk but she was quick to action to make me not move and to stay still. She then drove me to the hospital where I spent the next 13hours contemplating the stupid thing I had done. After countless tests its shown that I have two fractured vertebra and plate, now serious nerve damage, and am awaiting their decision on whether or not I'll be admitted to surgery.
I haven't heard back from her and I feel like I fucked up an opportunity to get to know someone who could have been really great for me. Today I definitely fucked up.
Vr1k: If this isn't proof we're descended from monkeys, I don't know what is.
hellboyfanboy: Darwin would have shot me in the face if he saw me survive the fall.
DildoMissile: Don't be so sure he wont, the old geezer is getting slow is all.
| 4 | 51.75 | |
1406995453 | 1407163382 | t3_2cfivo | t5_2to41 | 31 | HeisenBrow: TIFU by insulting british cuisine in front of a class full of british students
This actually happened last year, but oh well.
I was an exchange student last year in England, studying Advertising at a university. This happened in my second week of class there, so I was pretty new and didn't know anyone.
We were tasked to create concepts for a posh kind of British wine, I can't remember the name now. But it was supposed to be *the* shit, as it had the perception of a super sophisticated premium drink.
We had 15 minutes to create 15 concepts for an advertising campaign, so the first drafts were obviously very rushed and not great. I did my 15 and thought: "Hey, why not include this extra one I just made just for giggles?". I'll get to that later.
Each one of us had to go in front of the class and present our ideas to the class. I'm usually a really awkward and quiet guy, but for some reason when I'm presenting something I speak with clarity and confidence.
Too much confidence.
I presented my 15 ideas and my brain just reminded me: "Hey you should totally tell them the last one you had, they'll love it!". So I did. This is what I said:
*Oh and there's this last one I'm going to put it in as an extra:* **It's british, but it's good**.
Silence.
Dead silence.
I think they still hate me.
furless: Britain has cuisine?
Seriously, though, the Brits are confident enough that they can tolerate ribbing. Like any other country they've done their share of bad things, but they brought civilization to the world. Even today, the Commonwealth includes about half of everyone on Earth. In other words, they know they rock; they're just too polite to wave it around.
wOlfLisK: We have cuisine. It's just either modified from other cultures (Eg Chicken Tikka Masala) or simple enough that other countries took it from us (Eg steaks were eaten in the UK long before America existed. Same with things like Apple Pie).
Basically, we did what America did only less obviously.
justchilleng: Oh so you saved an entire continent three times in the course of a decade?
Chronicle89: Don't think we went to war over oil though...oops
justchilleng: It really bothers me when people try to hold the Iraq invasion against America since every Western European power has done twice as much conquest for even worse reasons. Say we had an illegitimate invasion and I'd agree with you. Act like the UK (or almost everywhere in Western Europe barring Scandinavia) is a shining example of a peaceful nation and you're ignoring decades of bloodshed and oppression that make Americas invasion of Iraq seem fine.
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1406994470 | 1407173772 | t3_2cfhjo | t5_2to41 | 14 | catherinesosilly: TIFU by breaking my ankle jogging across my living room
So this actually happened two weeks ago, but the humiliation is still fresh.
My boyfriend moved into an apartment with me a couple months ago. The last month or so we've been on a set schedule of him working and me studying (taking the MCAT) during the work week. This is where I fucked up.
It's 4:30, I've been at my desk for an ungodly number of hours, studying god only knows what dreadful physics concept. My hand has a serious case of writers cramp and that tingly "my leg is asleep" feeling has been replaced by a complete lack of sensory.
And that's when I hear it: the sweet, sweet sound of his jingling keys on front walk way; the beautiful clatter of metal on metal meaning my study session was coming to an end and my glorious sweaty boyfriend returning home from a long day of work.
Like a dog anticipating a juicy bone I decide to greet my favorite person at the door. It's a straight shot across the living room from desk to doorway, and now hearing his key in the lock I uncross my legs and bolt from my chair to catch him walking in. *In my head he's catching me in his arms, eyes bright and smile wide, happy to see my shinning face and giving me a kiss that Clark Gable himself would have applauded...*
I take one jogging step, then another, and as my entire body mass is pressing down on my left leg mere feet from the front door that's when I hear it. The incredible ***snap*** of my ankle. My leg, completely numb from being asleep, had no idea if it was positioned correctly mid-jog and didn't stand a chance.
The door swings open just in time for my boyfriend to see me collapse from ankle, to knee, to shoulders, my arms out stretched and face twisted in an inevitable acknowledgement of my crashing fall. I let out a high pitched "oh *no*" right before I skid along the plush-to-sandpaper carpet, the momentum eventually rocking my feet over the back of my head and sending me into a tumble. Impressive for someone who never took gymnastics.
Keys still in knob, door wide open, he can't stop laughing at his welcome home show. I laugh with him, taking humor in my clumsiness, repositioning myself to cradle my leg and sit criss cross in the entryway. And that's when my left leg goes from completely numb to "this pain is not a good pain". Recalling the ***snap*** my laughter turns to sobs as I choke out, "I think I broke my ankle".
His laughter only got heartier, but he at least wrapped my ankle with frozen peas as he finished out his chuckle.
After more sobbing, much swelling, and a couple wedding-style carries I end up in the ER with an X-ray, torn ligaments, crutches and a very large ankle boot. I'm now forbidden from walking, running, standing for extended periods of time, and greeting my man at the door.
I'm nothing if not graceful.
[deleted]: Sorry about your ankle but this story was actually really sweet aww
catherinesosilly: haha, thanks!
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1406997493 | 1406998816 | t3_2cflqs | t5_2to41 | 16 | nothappyaboutit: TIFU by mistaking someones name for a joke
So today at work I noticed someone I had never seen before. I went up to introduce myself by saying, "I don't think we've met before," to which I THOUGHT I heard him say, "That's harsh." I took it as a kind of funny sarcastic reply and gave him a good hearty laugh, until about 2 seconds in I noticed his completely serious face and realized he was not telling a joke, but telling me his name: Arsh. I had seen the name earlier on the schedule but it hit me just a few seconds too late. I immediately did a 180 from friendly laughter to stonecold serious and told him my name, creating the most awkward introduction I've probably ever experienced while simultaneously appearing completely insane and unstable. We will probably not become friends.
luke_mlh: I would have just been honest and said "oh sorry I didn't realise that was your name, I thought you were saying what I said was harsh".
I mean, with a name like that I'm sure that wasn't the first time someone's been mistaken/confused. He's probably used to it enough to not take any offence in a mere human error, but I guess you never really know.
nothappyaboutit: Yes that would have been a sane man's response. Clearly beyond my social skills
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1406997956 | 1407005902 | t3_2cfme0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By Hurting Myself For Drugs
s3w4g3: How did you explain the injury to medical staff/family? That stuff will kill you man, hope it was some sort of wake up call!
ZyklonDee: I just told them the watermelon thing, and yeah it definitly was.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406998139 | 1407036620 | t3_2cfmny | t5_2to41 | 101 | The_Poltergeist: TIFU by creating a poster about a straight razor
This incident happened on November of last year. Like most TIFU's this one happened a while ago, so don't take the today part of TIFU so literal.
I was in the middle of health class and like anyone; I was bored out of my mind. The topic we were learning about was personal hygiene(how exciting) and for the remainder of class we were all required to make an advertisement for a hygiene product. My friends and I were thinking about what to make our posters about and we weren't taking this seriously at all. We were joking about making the posters about tampons, cyanide pills, butt plugs, etc.(We were thirteen and immature, so don't judge us)I came up with the idea to make the poster about a razor, but with a dark parody in the mix. Eventually, I finished thy crude masterpiece and turned it in to the teacher. She didn't look at it yet, so I went about my day.
Later that day, I was escorted to the counselor's office by a security guard. I had no idea why I needed to be escorted by armed guards or why I was called down. When I got to the office, I saw that the counselor was waiting for me with my poster in one hand and a tape recorder in the other. I realized that I was in major trouble for making the poster about a straight razor. The counselor was concerned why I wrote stuff like,"Cuts more flesh than hair!" or "The handle is made out of real panda fur!" on my poster. In response, I tried to explain to her that the poster has a dark humor tone to it. Obviously, she didn't find it funny and she sent me back to class.
When I got home, I found my mom and about 15 of my closest relatives were waiting for me. It was an intervention about the poster I made for health class. Apparently, the counselor contacted most of my family members and thought it'll be nice to leave a big fucking surprise for me at my house. Instead of being concerned about me; my family was out right furious to hear what I've. I didn't say a word during the entire intervention, because I thought my mom will burn my room down if I tried to explain the parody and all of that bullshit.
So I had to go to therapy twice a week for the next couple of months just because I made a poster about a straight razor. Every time I went it felt like I was chipping pieces of my sanity away as I explained my past. I also had to remake the poster and this time it was about plain old toothpaste. I regret everything I did.
TL;DR I made a poster during health class which caused me to go to therapeutic help for two months.
Eat_The_Muffin: ***America: The land of the free***
^Where ^armed ^guards ^escort ^you ^to ^class ^and ^arrest ^you ^for ^free ^speech
Guitarknowitall: I don't think freedom of speech had anything to do with it.
Eat_The_Muffin: It was a weird thing to do, but it doesn't demand armed guards
Guitarknowitall: They weren't armed specifically for him, they probably had the school's security guards go escort him to the guidance counselor's office so he wouldn't try to run away from school. It just happens that his school's security guards are armed.
Eat_The_Muffin: Our schools don't have security guards
itskisper: My high school had one, but he was kind of just a friendly dude that was around.
Bnlol1: My highschool has a single police officer from the local sherrifs department. He really doesn't do much besides make the occasional arrest on idiots who get caught smoking weed.
| 8 | 12.625 | |
1407000002 | 1407020355 | t3_2cfpdl | t5_2to41 | 35 | pheonixORchrist: TIFU by bringing my cellphone to work.
I work at a deli in the middle of my small home town. On days like today it's pretty slow so I pull out my phone to play games/reddit.
Well today, I was at the counter on my phone and a customer came in so I locked my phone and shoved it into my pocket to help the customer. She was better looking than most and had a very nice body so naturally my full attention wasn't on my phone.
After a light conversation and serving the customer she began to leave. We were joking a little and laughing so I had a big goofy smile on my face. Usually when a customer is leaving I automatically pull my phone out to get back to reddit but instead of looking at it, I had it in my hand screen facing me.
The customer turns around, still laughing, suddenly her face changes from graceful smiles and laughter to disgust and she gives me the stinkiest eye you ever did see. I was so confused until I brought my phone up to my face.
I accidentally turned my phones flashlight on! I have a button shortcut to start the flashlight. I must have hit it while distracted by the beautiful woman.
TL;DR Hot customer thinks I was perving her hot butt with my camera phone.
Simply_Red: Who cares? Chances are you aren't going to see her again.
pheonixORchrist: She's a regular. Comes in every day for the same thing.
Simply_Red: Next time she comes in just clarify what happened, show her your phone. I'm sire she'll understand and have a laugh.
pheonixORchrist: I'm not really too worried but it's still just one of those things where it's just like "Well fuck me then."
splehpnala: Saying that isn't a good idea when she already thinks you're a pervert
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1407000943 | 1407044031 | t3_2cfqso | t5_2to41 | 242 | MarshingMyMellow: TIFU by taking cold medicine when I had a cold.
More like this entire week I have been fucking up... I started getting sick earlier this week and had some bad nasal congestion, so I began taking Sudafed as directed on the box (2 tablets every 4-6 hours). I did this for a few days, about 8 tablets a day, but my illness seemed to be getting worse and was starting to feel like a stomach flu (no vomiting, but bad diarrhea). I recently started a new job and really didn't want to stay home sick already, so I made it to work and just made an absurd number of trips to the bathroom.
Well I made it through the week, and this morning I took some more Sudafed. Only something was wrong with this one; it was red and looked different than the ones I had been taking. I pull the blister pack out of the box and look at the back, and it says Sudafed on it. So I pull out the other blister pack (the one I had been taking all week), look at the back, and it reads ... Dulcolax, take 1 to 3 tablets daily. Not only was I giving myself laxatives, I was taking almost 3 times the maximum recommended dosage. So really I just have a cold and a case of self-inflicted explosive diarrhea.
Looking back I consider myself lucky that I didn't reset the counter.
TL;DR - If you take medicine out of the original packaging, you might have a shitty week.
xEASTWOODx: Remember this experience when you're married. Wives have this habit of placing feminine hygiene products shaped like toothpaste next to YOUR toothpaste. I'm still wary of toothpaste.
turps100: The day I used IcyHot as toothpaste #neverforget
Seriously, always check something before you put it in your mouth, regardless if it is a medicine, food or a toothbrush.
justcurious12345: One time I went to visit my great aunt. My cousin was there and had some kind of fancy whitening toothpaste, prescription strength from the dentist. My aunt came out of the bathroom and said that her icy hot wasn't working, and then we realized she had smeared half of his fancy toothpaste all over her butt. So the confusion goes both ways :)
| 4 | 60.5 | |
1406996254 | 1407056319 | t3_2cfjz8 | t5_2to41 | 188 | LaMi_: TIFU by watching Harry Potter before going to Lego Land
[This reminded me of my FU] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cdufw/tifu_by_telling_my_son_ninjas_are_real/)
Like most other TIFU, this didn't happen today but more like when i was about 7-8. Me being British, I loved Harry Potter and I read and watched prisoner of azkaban just a week before my FU. I went to Lego Land with my mum. While walking to my favourite ride(the jungle ride, that's now gone) I saw two Muslims both in the full face burka with just there eyes visible, me not knowing their religion at all, I shouted, "DEMENTORS!" As I hid behind my mum. They sped up there pace and looked at me with disgust in there eyes. Later on my mum started telling me off at the same time of kinda laughing.
ShuffleCopy: Dude.. You shouldn't shout "Dementors"... That makes no sense.
Try "Expecto Patronum" next time.
tftcwde81: Fucking this^
MLGjuicebox: This can be taken two ways
OtakuSRL: /u/tftcwde81 also seems to go two ways.
| 5 | 37.6 | |
1407006151 | 1407017839 | t3_2cftvw | t5_2to41 | 4 | Freckledcookie: It's not that bad, its just bruised and very bloody and it was below the knee, not acutally on the knee, had a few people look at it and I decided not to go. Maybe I'll go to the doctor when I can walk again
TrailRatedRN: You fuck a knee up without treating it and you can build scar tissue around those ligaments that hurt for life. Be careful. Compress it and keep it elevated. If you don't see improvement in a couple days, I highly suggest you consult a professional. How much skin is gone on those feet? Are you talking blistering, or loss of tissue? Please keep them clean and use an antibiotic ointment like neosporin to prevent infection. Burns can give you systemic infections if they are serious enogh and not treated. Okay, sorry, that's the end of my unrequested advice, but I'm serious, dude, your shit could be damaging.
Freckledcookie: my feet are closed, safe and sound. I've been putting aloe vera on it and cooling them with pads. My knee is not actually hurt, the injury is below the knee. Its only the flesh that's damaged, I don't think that I'll have any lasting injury besides a scar. I'm going to see how it turns out, then decide if its necessary to see a doctor. Are you a doctor or trained in the field? Because the most qualified opinion I got so far was my mum's and she thought it wouldn't be an issue because the injury isn't actually damaging any bones, I think, because I can put pressure on it and it doesnt hurt that bad. I'm keeping the leg elevated though, and it never really did hurt that bad.
TrailRatedRN: I am an RN. Almost a decade in the emergency department.
| 4 | 1 | |
1407003419 | 1407005237 | t3_2cfugn | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU - Is this the best option for vegetarians?
yorkshire_lass: What type of quorn have you tried they come in different varieties. I'd say its best to balance your protein from different sources: lentils, tofu, nuts, chickpeas also stops some of the repetitiveness.
MichaelCross93: Mostly quorn mince, but I have tried the chunks (I think they're meant to be like chicken pieces. ) I have a nut allergy so they are out of the question, I have also tried lentil recipes but there is a lack variety there and I like to be quite adventurous in the kitchen. I also love making my own humous and I still eat eggs so that is always an option.
yorkshire_lass: I'd say try quorn sausages they have a different taste and texture. Maybe you could try some beans? Also try some soya milk/soya based diary products. Try playing around with your favourite recipes. The vegetarian student cook book is a good one to have.
MichaelCross93: Thanks for your advice, I read a great recipe for bean lasagne which sounded incredibly tasty so I might give that a try. I'll see if I can get hole of some tofu sausages as well and maybe try them with some mashed potato and vegetable gravy
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1407003957 | 1407134123 | t3_2cfv7x | t5_2to41 | 32 | masachirinocherry: TIFU by paying $30.25 to poop
So I'm at home when nature calls and when I get upstairs to the bathroom I find my roommate taking a shower. We only have one bathroom so I'm just SOL no pun intended. I can take it anymore so I decide to drive over to the university campus real quick and take a poop there. I pop a quarter in the meter and do my business. However I guess I took more than I intended and by the time I get back to my car I have a nice $30 dollar ticket on my windshield... I'm still borderline on whether it was worth it or not--it was a pretty good poop.
johnnywacko: I've gotten tickets from universities. Never paid any. Nothing ever happened.
camerongale: Really? My university puts a hold on transcripts and registration if you have unpaid tickets.
KentConnor: The post doesn't say that he actually attends school at the university. Just that he went there to poop. My girlfriend's college wrote me loads of tickets for parking in restricted lots or in visitors spots overnight, never had any negative consequences for ignoring them.
| 4 | 8 | |
1407004089 | 1407005743 | t3_2cfvfx | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by messing with the local gang
Okay so this happened like 5 years ago.
12 year old me junior on high school.
Like the stupid kid I was I thought that I'm a man now and gangsta.
One day while I was on facebook I saw someone posting a status about how bad the school I'm attending is. Keep in mind that this kid was 3 years older than me..
Well I had to protect my school right? I get on a fight with him via facebook, things got heated up pretty quickly and we set up a fight. I had never been in a fight, so I didn't go.
The next day he and 8-10 of his friends were waiting for me after school. The bullies from my high school took this patriotically and started fighting them to protect me because I was one of the cool kids (I did some pretty stupid shit to become acceptable like fap in class, but that's another story)
There was this huge fight, the police came and I just fucking went at my house.
The day after that I nearly got expelled, and I didn't get out of the house for 3 months because I was afraid they were going to find me
And... that's why 12 year olds shouldn't have facebook.
nixhex113: Fapping in class does NOT make you a "cool kid"
genericname1231: Makes you a "creepy as fuck" kid
teiu88: Unless you're the teacher.
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1407003752 | 1407043409 | t3_2cfuxu | t5_2to41 | 62 | partysober: TIFU by partying sober.
Back in May of this year, my friends were throwing a house party. I was chilling with them at their house waiting for everyone to come. Eventually, everyone came and people were trying to play beer pong but there were no pong balls. I left the party in search of pong balls but I couldn't find any so I went to another friend's house to see if they had any but they didn't. I was then coerced to stay for a bit at their party. I didn't want to drink any alcohol because I was arrested for "illegal possession of alcohol by a minor" a few weeks past. However, one of my friends had a new bottle of wine and I took a sip of it just to try it. After that, I left to go return to the party I was at first. When I came back, the party was winding down so I just stayed there and hung out with my friends. Everyone left besides me and four other people. Next thing I know, one of my friends tells me the police are here. I immediately thought, "Oh fuck this, I'm a black man with a "record' in a racist town. I'm going to be blamed for this whole party", so I left. I ended up walking back to campus but I randomly met up with another friend who was headed to an 18+ bar. I went with them to this bar and the bouncers let me in but then kicked me out for being underage (I still don't understand why they let me in in the first place). After I got kicked out, I thought that I couldn't get in trouble with the law tonight because I was sober and I wasn't breaking any laws by walking home. I spoke too soon. A police officer rolled up next to me started talking to me:
Police Officer: "Are you N_______ T_____?"
Me: "Yes".
PO: "Do you have identification?"
Me: "Yes, am I being detained".
PO: "Yes."
So I handed him my ID and then he asked me how drunk I was, to which I said I was sober. Then he asked me if I remembered "seeing him with a flashlight pointing at the window watching us drink", no... I don't remember that because that never happened. He then told me "well, I can tell you're drunk by the way you're standing". I just thought whole thing was ridiculous so I didn't say anything. I later called my friends to see what happened and the story I was told was that the police barged in, my friends lied about their ages, they handed over their IDs, they saw all the alcohol, they saw all the drugs, they verbally acknowledged that everyone there was fucked up, they gave the girl who's on the lease a verbally warning about the level of the noise, and then they stated, "Okay, now we're going to find N______ T______." So yeah, fuck the police.
TL;DR: Left a party sober, came back sober, police showed up, I left, police tracked me down and gave me a court summons for illegal possession of alcohol by a minor.
howthee123: You surely can't be prosecuted, if he didn't you blow a test and not have any evidence of said test showing you were drunk, there can't be any case against you. "The way he was stood looked like he was drunk" can't get you in trouble.
partysober: That's what I thought... but both the district judge and my lawyer are telling me to plead guilty...
johnnywacko: Wtf. Why did lawyer say this?
partysober: "It would only cost $200 and it wouldn't go on your record".
RedWhiteNadian: Do that with the condition that the appropriate officer to pay it, so you won't go to the media; or get your lawyer to if he can't defend you. If you aren't lying, prove that you are right. Otherwise take the advice. Welcome to the justice system.
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1407004434 | 1407024566 | t3_2cfvxm | t5_2to41 | 7 | knopper91: TIFU Drinking
winstonjpenobscot: Finally someone who admits it was the excessive drinking, and not the decisions made while drinking, that was the mistake! Sorry you're out the cash ... I have no idea what 'burning a bunch of paint' means ...
knopper91: Burning paint means throwing paint on a fire in hopes of blowing stuff up.
Wintergreens: Well, now that sounds perfectly reasonable.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407008356 | 1407019374 | t3_2cg1pg | t5_2to41 | 5 | HitchWhacker: TIFU by masturbating with a hitchhiker in my car
agentlame: Removed:
>All posts involving obscene sexual situations, such as, but not limited to, incest, minors, and assault, will be removed.
mq999: Wait why was it removed? I was halfway through when it got deleted :(
agentlame: Sorry, I used the wrong removal reason. I've fixed it.
Also, removals aren't live, if you were on the page you would have been able to finish it without any notice it was removed.
mq999: I was reading on Alien Blue and was preloading the comments so it reloaded the whole page but the post was gone.
I can see how it was starting to get dodgy though...
| 5 | 1 | |
1407008883 | 1407032827 | t3_2cg2i8 | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by not recognizing a girl liked me
This fuckup wasn't exactly today but has been occurring for the past week. So I'm a nerdy college student, and for the summer I work as a waiter at a local resort. The staff here tends to party a lot after hours with the guests.
The past week I had a table of girls around my age. Now last Wednesday, the other waiters and I were at the resort after hours celebrating a couple friends; birthdays who also worked in the kitchen. While we were celebrating we ran into a couple of our tables partying as well.
We are all around the same age, so we started to party together playing drinking games. All through out the night I was talking and flirting with this one girl from my table who we will call Sam. And yes if you saw my username, my name is Sam as well. I was pretty drunk at this point, but I could hold a decent conversation. As it turned out, Sam is also secretly very nerdy. We ended up making physics jokes as we were playing beer pong. She started talking about other science related things.
Things were going well, and I started to like this girl, but in my drunken state I couldn't tell if she was flirting back or not. Around 1:30 even though the party was still going on, I decide that I need to go back home since I'm 18 and my parents would kill me if I didn't come back home. I came home and didn't really think much of any flirting that happened that night.
Well the next two days pass ( Thursday and Friday). I had these two days off, so I really didn't interact with anyone at work as its my brother's birthday, and I had a lot of family over. Friday night, I get this text from my coworker saying that I really should come down and party with them. He tells me that Sam talked to him and had a crush on me. Now I would have gone down there in a heartbeat, but the only problem is because its my brother's birthday there was absolutely no way to sneak out of the house to meet up with Sam. The one girl I meet that is actually nerdy and into me, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to leave. And today I didn't even get a chance to get her number before she and her family left.
TLDR: I met a girl at work who ended up liking me, but I didn't realize soon enough before she left.
bunkerbee_hill: Not recognizing when a girl is digging on you. That's the story of my life.
johnnywacko: Prostitutes are not really into you.
_Fucking_Awesome_: For a burn that bad, run it under cool water for a while, and remember for this severe, SEVERE burn ice will only make it worse.
| 4 | 13 | |
1407011384 | 1407025446 | t3_2cg60s | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by turning the girl I liked into a lesbian
This summer I moved to a small town in Ohio for a couple of months to play bassoon with an opera company. I came here with no intentions initially and expected to be quite bored for most of the summer, although life ended up getting a tad more interesting than I originally expected it would.
The whole situation is fairly cliché, but I basically met a girl that I really liked and we began to spend some time together. The elephant in the room was that since I was only there for the summer, the relationship couldn't ever really be anything too serious, which was ok with me for the most part. She seemed to be ok with it too and after we hung out a few times the intensity of our relationship ramped up ten fold.
The nature of our relationship changed drastically after a night of casual drinking. We were both hanging out talking and something about our conversation struck a nerve and she broke down crying. We continued talking for a few hours and eventually she calmed down. The situation was fairly emotional but by the end of our conversation she seemed surprisingly cheerful. She eventually looked up at me with a glare that sent a shiver down my spine. This fine lady was ready for action and I most certainly was not prepared. She went in for the kiss and we made out like we were horny teenagers again. It was awesome, but I was not mentally prepared to escalate the situation any further.
We continued to hang out again for a couple days and ever day she seemed like she just wanted it more and more. We ended up making out again quite heavily, although fate ended up putting us in a very public location where nothing could escalate further. I also hadn't had a girlfriend in over a year, so my chops were pretty rusty and I probably didn't make the experience as spectacular as she had hoped. By the time we got back to her room the mood was killed and we decided to part days. A couple days later we hung out again and she seemed significantly different from the thirsty cougar that I had seen only a few days earlier. At the end of the night she told me that she had been questioning her sexuality and wasn't she if she even liked guys anymore.
She was very sweet about the whole situation, but she made it clear that she didn't want anything physical to happen anymore. I guess I should work on my technique...
Damnit
TLDR: I'm so bad at pleasing women that they give up men.
emt_emp: Hand over your Man card
jpecon: Well said.
| 3 | 9 | |
1407010953 | 1407124137 | t3_2cg5e8 | t5_2to41 | 509 | Weedpocket: TIFU by going to a rub and tug massage parlor --NSFW
Today, I woke up with a headache and a sore body. I was also horny as hell, but I've grown tired of jerking off to porn lately, so I started searching for alternatives.
I swiped on Tinder. I sent some messages to craigslist ads about massages looking for a little touch, desperate as hell.
I found a website that ranks and reviews massage parlors based on happy endings and staff (there is literally a website for everything).
I found a nearby place and decided I try it out. It was across from a bowling alley in a little house basically. Super shady looking. I lol'd as I got out of my car and ring the bell. An Asian lady of about 40 opened up and led me back to a massage table in a red lit room. I paid $55 for an hour upfront and she went to town. It was actually a really nice massage. She covered my ass up with a towel at first but soon pulled it off and got all up in that inner thigh region. After 30 minutes of lotions, hot stones, and chopping, I flipped over for her to work the front. She masterfully rubbed me up and down and spared no body parts, except my dick. After what seemed like forever, I was sporting a little wood and she acted like it was nothing (she sees this every single day). She said time was up and I guess I didn't hint enough, so she walked out and starting washing her hands. I started to get dressed, but then desperately asked for another 30 mins. She agreed and I went back on the table, dick up but now flaccid. She worked my chest and then started rubbing the thighs and grazing my balls. I was into it and let her know that it felt really good. She kept grazing my junk and rubbing my thighs until she grabbed my hand and put it on my dick and said "you finish". I started rubbing my cock to get it full mast and asked her if she would do it. She said "no shhh" and looked out of the room as if someone would be mad if they heard. So I then said fuck it and started cranking it. She kept rubbing my balls and rubbing my nipples and then I came a big load. She actually said whoa whoa and giggled. Then she helped clean me up and said "you're young, strong" and then told me to take a shower. I was weirded out, but she insisted and showed me a shower and towel. It was the most awkward shower ever and I quickly dressed to leave. I then paid her the $30 for the extra time and a $20 tip because I was nervous and thought you were supposed to do that when you come all over everything.
It was weird.
TL;DR: I paid $105 dollars for a decent massage and to have my balls rubbed by an older Asian lady.
kooshi84: TLDR you paid to jerk yourself off
busior: Something tells me that feminists are already planning to impose tax on jerking off
fasterplastercaster: Is that something your idiot brain?
MemphisOsiris: WTF does your comment even mean?
SquishMitt3n: "**Something** tells me..."
"Is that **something** your brain"
MemphisOsiris: Oooooh. But still not really known unless explained.
SquishMitt3n: Not really, had you have read the comment a few more times you most likely would have gotten it.
MemphisOsiris: Read it 5 times. Didn't understand. Stated so. WTF don't you understand?
SquishMitt3n: How is it someone else's fault that you didn't understand their perfectly legitimate question? It was mostly, if not completely grammatically correct, it made sense and it was concise. **you** are the problem here.
MemphisOsiris: whi the fuck is talking about anything being a problem here, I just said the first comment then these/you guys started digging too much into it for no reason & just said that, so fuck off bitch
SquishMitt3n: We (I) only started "digging" too much because you claimed it was OP's fault you didn't understand the question. Own up to your own short-comings.
| 12 | 42.416667 | |
1407016071 | 1407023196 | t3_2cgcr5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | disturbed434: TIFU by making coffee.
It's 2:38PM as I type this. This event took place 3 minutes ago.
So, I slept in. I've been sleeping at 6AM and waking up at around 2PM every day now for the last couple of weeks. Can't seem to get out of it. I got up and did my morning routine which includes getting out of bed, turning on my computer, and making my coffee.
I get my cup ready- I grab a total of 5 Equal packets of sugar and throw them into the cup first, then the coffee. Right after that, I'm supposed to pour some half&half to complete the process. You can also consider this my coffee recipe.
As I pour my cup of coffee, I hear something. "Is that?" "No WAY".
I hear loud moaning come from my parents' bedroom.
My reaction was to get the hell outta there. I grab my cup, "fuck the half&half", and I run to my room like it never happened.
As I type this, I look at my incomplete coffee and hope to complete it some time.
tl;dr: I wanted coffee but I just couldn't have it. I just couldn't!
Edit: Wording
dc_ae7: So fucking fucked you. Just open and close your door really loudly and do a lot of noise and they will stop.
Stillnotrussian: Or he could have offered them some coffee, that could also do the trick...
| 3 | 2 | |
1407016884 | 1407018497 | t3_2cgdxb | t5_2to41 | 3 | WordsCannot: TIFU by not paying attention
buttfuckler: electrical tape!
WordsCannot: Yeah but I wanted something to make it look a bit less like I fucked up.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407007997 | 1407032658 | t3_2cg15o | t5_2to41 | 6 | Penischunk: TIFU by cutting a small chunk off the side of my penis
With the potential to meet up with a lady tonight, I decided it was about time to trim the hedges. I got my clippers ready set to the closest setting and began trimming. The problem was it is currently really hot and humid and my skin was a little sticky. While trimming down the side on my penis near the base to catch the few hairs there my skin stuck and got caught up in the blades an a small chunk of skin plopped off. I immediately began to bleed.
The bleeding finally stopped but now I have this obvious little chunk missing.....i think he won't be coming out to play tonight :(
Don't trim on a humid day. Or maybe not so close a setting.
PIRATEghost85: Dude just play through the pain! Nothing like some poon juice to heal a wound!
[deleted]: Can confirm.
| 3 | 2 | |
1407018812 | 1407019371 | t3_2cgglc | t5_2to41 | 3 | LKJ55: TIFU by not deleting history
Osafune2: So where's the fuck up? Had he been watching really messed up stuff or something?
LKJ55: Yes lol
| 3 | 1 | |
1407020071 | 1407022164 | t3_2cgibo | t5_2to41 | 7 | TaedW: TIFU by walking in on my son masterbating. [NSFW]
serpentwhistler: Well, Meg might be sexy, if you're into that.
snuke_snizz: We can all agree that Lois is a bonerfied MILF
serpentwhistler: Tushie'!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407021548 | 1407056046 | t3_2cgkaa | t5_2to41 | 112 | wrong_toothbrush: TIFU by using the wrong toothbrush for months
This happened a couple of years ago. I have a sister and she's older than me. My mom one day bought us two new toothbrushes because our old ones were pretty ruined. We placed them in the second bathroom which only her and I use to brush our teeth as my parents use the other one close to their bedroom. We chose our brushes and all went well, I got one color and she got the other.
Fast forward two months and I'm about to go to sleep so I go to brush my teeth. I enter my bathroom and grab my brush. I notice it's a bit wet already but I don't think too much about it, after all I brushed my teeth a few hours earlier (after lunch) and it might still be wet from then (I know... I know...). I put some toothpaste on it and stick it in my mouth and start brushing. That's when the weird taste hits my tastebuds. For a second I'm a bit weirded out, it tastes similar to the smell of cum after I masturbate, so I take the toothbrush out and look at it thinking "What the fuck? Who came on my toothbrush!?"
A split second later I realize that my sister's boyfriend is sleeping at our place that night (very common thing as they've been together for years) and I instantly realize that I've been using my sister's toothbrush for months without knowing and she most likely just gave him a blowjob. Apparenty there was a misunderstanding and we've both been using the same toothbrush for two months. I immediately felt like shit, both for using her toothbrush and for pretty much putting her boyfriend's cum in my mouth.
I spent the following two hours halfway between puking and washing my teeth multiple times (with my "real" toothbrush, which apparently nobody had used yet) to take away the shitty taste but it will forever be ingrained in me. I tasted my sister's boyfriend's cum. I still feel bad about it.
The only good thing is that nobody will ever know and after then I began taking my toothbrush back to my room instead of leaving it on the bathroom counter. This skill also saved me from countless of very common toothbrush pranks from future roomates.
tl;dr - If you want to know if your sister gives blowjobs, put her toothbrush in your mouth.
Teotwawki69: On the bright side, you now have the ultimate line to use if she's ever being really annoying to you -- "I've had your boyfriend's cum in my mouth too, you know."
6romperstomper9: "And he could really use some pineapple in his diet as he's a bit funky. Just saying is all."
Teotwawki69: Except that the pineapple thing is an urban myth.
Source: Tried it. Failed.
wrong_toothbrush: Weird, I tried this with my girlfriend and she said the taste was completely different, much sweeter and much much better. We tried with pineapples, kiwis and I think oranges.
OtakuSRL: this thread *turned*
| 6 | 18.666667 | |
1407025013 | 1407050789 | t3_2cgp5b | t5_2to41 | 31 | DarkComedian: TIFU by playing with explosives.
This, like many of my fuckups, did not actually happen today. Several years ago, after mixing a small batch of Flashpowder (think gunpowder, but slightly more power), I poured it into a tiny tape container, stuck in a fuze, and lit it off. It failed to explode. I, in a fit of stupidity that I to this day do not fully comprehend, took out my knife, cut open the tape, poured the explosive onto the street, bent over, lit a match, and stuck it in, crotch three inches away because of my squat. It failed to explode. So I did it again. and it went off. I didn't get any burns, luckily, but my match hand was covered in "dross" a fancy word for a shit ton of caked on ash and explosive byproduct. It looked like I had third degree burns, but I was super calm, went inside, and just rinsed it off before panicking. To this day my hands have a faintly different level of sensitivity on the palm side. I'd say don't play with fire, but fire is actually awesome and fun, so I guess.... Don't play with fire like an idiot?
[deleted]: A person from where I went to school blew himself to smitherines with a sparkler bomb. [**No Lie.**](http://www.keloland.com/newsdetail.cfm/sparkler-bomb-kills-brookings-man/?id=71550)
DarkComedian: Huh. I knew Sparkler bombs had some potentially serious power behind them, but it seems highly unlikely to me that consumer fireworks would just randomly combust like that..... bad luck I suppose :/
[deleted]: Through a friend I was told it was about 12in across and he forgot to have the one sticking out for the fuse. So while crouching holding it with his legs he was either ramming a screwdriver or a sparkler into it. Blew his arms and legs off. Crazy to see that deck in the video all mangled.
I worked at a part store as well and he was a customer. Had a nice mid 80s Malibu Wagon.
Just Wow though..
DarkComedian: Jeezus...... that's why you start smaller, it gives you much more respect for the material. IIRC explosives cube in power when the volume is increased quite modestly. A simple M80 sized firework filled with flashpowder emits a shockwave you can feel in your chest a 50+ feet away. something that large, should not be built in a home. I mean, explosives aren't a toy, but something that big is...... man, that just sucks...... If there is anything you should not manhandle, it is an assembled explosive device. Poor guy.....
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1407026630 | 1407066571 | t3_2cgrcp | t5_2to41 | 1,703 | timbo0812: TIFU by farting in a Gamestop
Sometime you gamble, and sometimes you lose.
I had just finished polishing off a calorically intensive night at the local Chinese buffet (dat MSG) and was in the mood to do some game shopping. I was all hyped up after playing the Destiny beta, and was looking to satiate my thirst for digital blood with lesser games until its release. I wandered about the middle of the store where the Playstation games were, eyeing bargain-priced games with a critical eye born of a life sitting in front of television screens. As I stood there I suddenly felt the telling rumble of something atomic brewing inside me. AmeriChinese farts are unusually malevolent, as many of you know, and I didn't want to subject my fellow shoppers to what was sure to be weapons-grade flatulence. I considered going for the outside, but I knew I wouldn't make it before the sphincter levies broke. Weighing my options, I went for the Wii U section, because I figured the likelihood of anyone going there to smell it was pretty remote. This would turn out to be a grave tactical error, because the Wii U section was in the back of the store and there are no bathrooms.
I let the fart loose and regret set in immediately. This fart was more than I bargained for: I could feel the hate trying to break free. I clenched just in time (I am shamefully practiced at this), but it was a looong way to the nearest bathroom. My salvation lay at a department store across the street. It was only short distance, but I eyed it as a desperate sailor would view an island across a vast ocean. Staying put could only lead to disaster, so I opted to trek it.
I started moving in earnest. Fortunately, I had a brief respite from the flood as I began to move. I know it wouldn't last long, though. Speed was of the essence. I trailed a terrible stench as I went. I heard one child cry out in disgust as I walked by. Hearing this made me laugh a bit, which was tactical error number two. I almost lost containment when I chuckled. The urgency ramped exponentially as I walked into the department store. The bathroom was in the back of the store and there were many obstacles: labyrinthine aisles, lazy shoppers, and the occasional killer sale I had to ignore. At one point I walked through the candle aisle and grinned at the irony. I probably cost them some candle sales. I doubt anyone was shopping for the scent I was offering.
I made it to the toilet with minimal damage, but critical mass was approaching at great speed. I stood by the toilet clenching as hard as I could, trying to reason a way to keep the dook train from derailing. I decided my only option was what a friend of mine once called "the move". Everyone knows the move. You pull down your pants as you sit, with the hope that the sudden decompression will occur inside the bowl. I have down this many times without a single failure, but mathematics is one of those forces that always knocks you back eventually. I misjudged the drop zone by about three inches and made a sticky brown mess all over the bathroom wall.
I sat there with a look that equates to [this] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=AU&hl=en-GB&v=t-XIMEHGoZI&feature=bzb302), not wanting to survey the damage just yet. I could see the brown river starting to flow down the floor and I know it was cataclysmic. The smell was *life-changing*. I am a nurse, and have smelled some pretty awful stuff...and this still impressed me. Some poor sap came in about that moment, and proceeded to nope right on out. He probably experienced events that cannot be unseen or unsmelled. I hung my head in shame as the last of it roiled out of me.
Cleanup took a while. I managed to use all of the toilet paper, and had to steal from the next stall over. I walked out still feeling like I was covered in poo. I saw someone headed for the restroom as I walked out and considered warning him, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I got back in my car, drove home, and took the longest shower of my life. I looked down as I got out of the shower, and noticed some brown smeared on my shoe. In horror I considered the possibility that I stepped in it, and left a trail of brown tears all over the department store floor tile.
I can never show my face there again.
TL;DR: Sharted. Made it to a bathroom only to destroy it, shaming myself and my ancestors.
EDIT: [Narrated by Cyael Dobson!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY3d9S4auIo&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&index=30)
EDIT 2: Thank you for all your kind words and shared experiences! Also, because I think it wasn't clear: my shoes were on the bathroom floor when I looked down. I do not wear them in the shower.
Stoet: I've never had an explosive diarrhoea, and neither have my friends. (We're not american).
Painting the wall with shit is fucking disgusting and gross.
VictorVaughan: I am so sick of Europeans with their "polite judging" of Americans.
Excuse me but are you usually in the bathroom when your friends are shitting? No? Well then how can you say conclusively that they have not experienced this?
Sure, along with everything else we invented, explosive diarrhea is a uniquely American phenomenon as well, eh? Get bent.
Stoet: There's a thing called asking. And it's not a baseless assumption. You have weak stomaches. Educate yourself.
Also, QQ, little bitch. Cry me a fucking river.
VictorVaughan: We can have weak stomachs... as long as we continue to rule the world and get to say what is what around here, I'm fine with that. Enjoy your ride in back seat of America's big ol' station wagon. Try not to let the fumes get to ya. Peace.
Stoet: Pretty bold wording since I hurt your precious feelings in your first reply. You must be 15. Try not to splatter the walls with shit when you leave reddit
VictorVaughan: Maybe I'm 15, maybe I'm 5. That doesn't change the fact that you display all the passive-aggressive behavior of jealous Euro-trash who says otherwise but would jump at the chance to live in the USA
Stoet: Jealous of being a fat american 15 y.o.?
http://fat.gfycat.com/DistinctHomelyCrayfish.gif
| 8 | 212.875 | |
1407060771 | 1407191382 | t3_2cgs8m | t5_2to41 | 16 | Kanondrengen: If that's considered attractive then i'm a fucking god among men. No offence but the dude on the picture looks like a pale skinny boy.
emilyeverafter: But....I think pale, skinny boys are the most attractive boys....
ShawtySayWhaaat: Ay bby wan sum fuk?
emilyeverafter: 2intense4u
ShawtySayWhaaat: 3pale5u
emilyeverafter: I'm detecting chemistry here....
Too bad I've forgotten most of my knowledge regarding compounds.
ShawtySayWhaaat: I haven't taken chemistry :( I'm a pro At splicing together the peanut butter and nutella atoms, but i require 2 slices of bread as a holding agent otherwise it causes waste.
emilyeverafter: I CAN NEVER GET THAT RATIO RIGHT. ONE COMPLETELY CONSUMES THE OTHER.
You are officially master chemist. The sandwich artists at Subway weep in your presence.
ShawtySayWhaaat: Years of experience, my student. One day it will all make sense.
On another note, why are we taking about subway and nutella in a thread about a guy who banged some poor soul's wife while he watched? Holy shit i love reddit.
emilyeverafter: I get that feeling on reddit daily, my friend.
in /r/askreddit about judging on appearances.
"I'm a buff guy but I like to sing while I do housework and cook"
> KRONK?
> My spinach puffs!
> I NEVER liked your spinach puffs! NEVER!
*all my upvotes*
can I please marry reddit?
*ahem*
But to OP,
you didn't really fuck up if you didn't KNOW it was his wife. Hormones definitely prevented you from putting two and two together.
I hope she liked *your* particular variety of puffs, I Y K W I M
| 10 | 1.6 | |
1407027812 | 1407100322 | t3_2cgsys | t5_2to41 | 63 | cursedhydra: TIFU By buying Runescape gold....
This is my first post so excuse any formatting errors.
I'll start off with some context. This happened a few days ago after I had just visited my grandmother's house. My grandmother gave me $25 of "spending money". Sweet.
I had recently got back into Runescape, a game that took over my life for many years. I quit for about 2 years until my friend talked me back into it. I was progressing nicely, making money and leveling up at a consistent speed. I put a good 8-10 hours into the game daily but it didn't seem like I was advancing fast enough. I remembered the money that I received earlier and thought "eh, what the hell". I searched online to find the best price for in-game gold that I could. Once I found a site that offered a good price, I went through the process of buying the goods. Everything was going fine until I was in game. The live support lady told me a place to go to wait for a trade. She also warned me not to answer anybody while in game. I said sure and didn't think much of it. This is where I really fucked up. As I was in game and waiting for a trade I get a message saying "your gold is ready please confirm your number". I message the guy back with my number since that is what normally goes down when you buy gold. Soon after I get a call saying "am I speaking with player R________n?" I say "yes". The guy says "Hello, I am just confirming your order and to confirm that you are the player we are trading to, how much gold did you order?" I tell him "50 Million" (25 bucks worth). "That seems to match thank you, you will get a trade in game shortly". I was not prepared for how fucked I was about to get. In about 5 minutes the 50 million gold was traded to me. Soon after the trade ended I got another call from the same guy. He said to me "You have received your gold, correct?" I answer "Yes". The guy says "Due to an increase of players getting banned for real world trading, we are required to take extra security measures. Shortly you will get a trade and you are going to trade your coins you just bought for a few worthless items. This is to prevent the system from picking up on a trade that was just money going to one person." I do what he says because some people do in fact get banned for RWT. I figured the creators must have stepped up security in my absence. After the trade was over the guy says "I am just going to make a quick call to China to confirm that you cooperated" He hung up and I waited for my call back. He called back saying it's confirmed that I cooperated. He said "The last security measure I have to take is I need to do a drop trade. What I will do is I will log on to your account and go to a location and pick up the gold off the ground, you can put all of your stuff in the bank so it will be protected. I have to be on the account because if the location is compromised you will be able to steal other people's gold." At this point my heart was pounding. I thought to myself well he can't get any of my items if it's in my PIN protected bank. So I reluctantly gave him everything he needs to log in to my account. The guy says "okay I have the gold, I just need to fill out this form" My thinking must have been altered by the stress of the situation. The man says "It says here I have to put the gold in your bank and take a screenshot of it to confirm that it's been delivered." This was the last straw, I couldn't give this guy the PIN it could potentially throw literally years of work down the drain. I asked him if he could cancel the order, I was in way too deep. Of course the guy says he can't cancel the order. Of fucking course he can't. My heart is beating at mach 3. The guy talks me down for about 15 minutes assuring everything will be alright. I caved in. I was extremely reluctant but I wasn't about to lose 25 bucks. I start to read off my PIN. Once I finish the last number I hear the hang up noise. "Oh....my....God..... What have I done....." I go straight into panic mode trying to do anything that will log him out of my account. There is nothing I can do. I try to log in frantically but I can't log in until he is logged out. Once I get in I check my bank to assess the damage. Everything is gone. I come to the realization that I have just been rekt to oblivion. This man played everything so smoothly. I couldn't believe my own stupidity. Not only did I lose everything I had worked years to get I also lost my 25 bucks. I am still a student so 25 dollars is pretty significant. I guess it serves me right for being a gold-buying idiot.
Phiwi: Wait, runescape still exists?
tomokochi: Poor man's WoW
[deleted]: I thought that was guild wars.
VicinityGhost: Guild Wars is pretty well made though
[deleted]: But isn't it free?
VicinityGhost: It's free but it's also a good fast paced MMO
| 7 | 9 | |
1407012189 | 1407077126 | t3_2cg76w | t5_2to41 | 15 | Weertinz: TIFU by cursing in Preschool
So this happened when I was around 4 or 5 years old and I went to a half-day Preschool.
Around this time my dad and mom were fighting a lot, and my father cursed frequently. He tried to keep it clean around me and my brother, but sometimes I would hear some bad words. So, one day I hear my dad tell my mom to "stop bitching", and since I'm a little kid, I have no idea that is a bad word, and I decide to start saying it.
The next day, the teachers tell us that they brought in gummy bears as a treat, but we will have to wait to eat them until they read the book "Green eggs and ham" to us. So, about halfway through the book this black kid named Sheldon calls out, "When are we gonna git our gummy bears." Well, I become angry because this idiot is making the teachers stop reading and keeping us from getting our snack, so I decide to use the new word I learned, and so I say: "STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT!" I don't remember much after that, but Ido remember the teacher slinging me over her shoulder like a sack and carrying me down to the principal's office. The sadest part is that I never got my gummy bears.
**NOTE** If you are wondering how the hell I remember this from so long ago, to be honest, I have no clue. This is one of my earliest memories, and looking back, it was probably really awkward for the teachers :D
(thx for reading)
johnnywacko: My brother and I.....
TheRaven1: >He tried to keep it clean around me and my brother, but sometimes I would hear some bad words.
Well actually he is [correct](http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/words/i-or-me) . Perhaps it would have been better formatted to "my brother and me." To figure out which one to use take out the other part of the sentence. So you wouldn't say "He tried to keep it clean around I…" you would instead say "He tried to keep it clean around me..." That doesn't change just because he added his brother into the sentence.
johnnywacko: Read both. Mine sounds better. Thanks for the lesson though.
poop_squirrel: Good lord...
Weertinz: Lmao poop_squirrel is the best name ever
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1407029756 | 1407030237 | t3_2cgvew | t5_2to41 | 5 | ramasule: TIFU Look I appreciate your fuck up
Smeagolegal: TIFU by wasting time reading about OP not fucking up. Today. Or in the past.
6romperstomper9: OP did fuck up
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| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407029666 | 1407097618 | t3_2cgvau | t5_2to41 | 46 | CharlesDorky: TIFU by accidentally seeing potentially illegal porn.
So yeah like a lot more this happened a while back but still this year. A few months ago I was browsing a website (probably Tickld.com or in fact Reddit) and came upon a post/comment that mentioned Amanda Todd nudes. I had no idea who Amanda Todd was and thought that since she was named she must be famous or something (Who doesn't love some decent celebrity nudes). Decided to give it a Google and clicked the first link that came up. Now the name of the site probably should have deterred me but I was curious and have a penis so I continued to BestGore. I then remembered that Amanda Todd was the 12 year old who flashed some guy on Chat Roulette and got stalked and harassed until she finally committed suicide when she was 15.
MFW I was sitting looking at a dead, 15 year old naked body on a mortuary table. I almost put a hole in my desk from clicking the X button too quickly.
Waynenewtonsbrother: There's not enough bleach to get that image out of your head... Just ask her.
CharlesDorky: I swear I was flinching every time the door knocked thinking I would be arrested haha
LaDarkPhoenix: Arrested for vieweing dead body pics? Really OP?
CaptainCazio: I think OP is 12.
LaDarkPhoenix: OP goes on /r/gonewild
OP confesses to the feds for seing naked girls
mm365886: /r/gonewidl
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1407032566 | 1407075145 | t3_2cgyyv | t5_2to41 | 9 | caffeinefueled: TIFU by almost blowing my engine to bits
Happened a few days ago on my way to work, as I made my way through the traffic congested streets of Toronto in my newly performance modded BMW, I found myself stuck behind an incompetent, slow driver in a blue corolla (go figure). As I approached the on ramp of the HWY that would hopefully end the misery of stop and go traffic, I threw the shifter in 2nd gear and gazed at what appeared to be my only opportunity to overtake before the on ramp lanes merged into one.
Anticipating the newly found orgasm inducing top fuel dragster-like acceleration, I went wide open throttle without thinking twice,not realizing I was already driving fast in such a low gear and not very far from the redline. Needless to say I was overcome by the instant burst of nearly 400 hp conceived by 25 psi of compressed turbocharged air which pushed me firmly against the seat, before I was sent flying towards the dash as if I drove into a brick wall.
I quickly stared at my gauge cluster fearing for the worst. Perhaps a Check engine light hinting at an expensive repair bill or perhaps an electrical gremlin prompting a complete system shut down, however nothing seemed out of the norm. I then realized the RPM needle in my tachometer was nowhere to be found in the normal operating range between 0 and 7000 rpm, it was in fact comfortably hovering in redline around 8000 rpm at the far end of the danger zone. When I realized my screw up it felt like I died for a second only to be slapped across the face by common sense. I threw the shifter back in neutral and coasted down the ramp waiting to see pieces of my engine trailing down the HWY at any second. Lucky for me my engine was intact and got me safely to work. I hope to do a more thorough inspection this weekend.
TL ; DR : Got caught in a moment of fury, drove my car to redline, almost blew engine.
Elori: Wait so you didn't hit a tree???
caffeinefueled: No, the car does a pretty good job of dodging trees on its own.
Nandabun: Might have a safety in it. I know in my truck, when I get near 100 mph, it just cuts the gas off until it's coasted back down to 90.
lawlcrackers: More than likely has a rev limiter too
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1407030375 | 1407035464 | t3_2cgw6l | t5_2to41 | 4 | MartyMartinez33: TIFU- Saying California was a City in Front of Everyone in my School during an Assembly
Like a lot of the posts in this thread this fuck up did not happen today, but in fact happened 3 years ago during my freshman year (I'm 17 now going into my senior year). Anywho... I go to a pretty nerdy private school and in the spring of my freshman year every single student and faculty member was forced to attend an Assembly which consisted of various members of the history department asking the crowd historically-related trivia questions, and then handing the microphone to the student being asked. The student would then say the answer into the mike (really simple stuff).
My baseball coach, who also happened to be a history teacher decided to ask me what seemed to be at the time a fairly easy question because he thought I, having family from New York and being a Yankees fan, would know about the state as well. He came over to where I was sitting and asked me, "What is the largest city in the United States?" This is when the fuck up storm began to brew. I being the stupidly, overconfident freshman when it came to smarts, I over thought the question entirely. I wanted to say New York at first, but I thought that it would only mean manhattan, not all 5 boroughs. So decided on L.A. (this decision making process was occurring rapidly in my head). My teacher passed me the microphone and I got nervous about answering the question. Instead of it going down as I planned it in my brain, I answered it saying, " Uh... Uh... California?"
"Fuck me did I really just say that" was the only thing that came to mind after that moment in time. Everyone in the audience immediately burst out laughing. Students and teachers alike. My teacher looked at me stunned, not able to fathom where I got that answer from. I tried to correct myself but before I had the chance to the microphone was pulled away from me.
I spent the next week getting made fun of by my classmates and teammates because of what I said, and although for the first couple weeks I took the ridiculing badly, I came to laugh at myself after a while and embraced my fuck up. To this day I am still called "California" by kids in my school and my baseball coach still thinks I believe that california is a city even after several attempts by me to convince him otherwise. I still think about how different things would've been if any other kid from my school had messed up like that, but at least I have this experience to always remind me of the consequences of over-thinking a question.
(Clarification: Teacher asked an easy question at an all school assembly, got nervous and blurted out nonsense and am still getting made fun of for it.)
johnnywacko: YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT.
The only thing stupider would be telling this story.
No but seriously. If someone makes fun of you for some dumb shit like this tell them to fuck off (literally). Fucking alpha male doesn't put up with this shit.
MartyMartinez33: When was almost at the point that I felt like I was bullied about it I reacted like that to people who made fun of me but now it's not that bad at all
johnnywacko: One time I said 'my boner is stuck' instead of 'my binder is stuck' in a class with like 30 girls and no other dudes.
| 4 | 1 | |
1407033218 | 1407033770 | t3_2cgzte | t5_2to41 | 6 | natonio95: TIFU by not leaving my wallet in the locker
I was at Six Flags Magic Mountain and decided to ride X2. When I got to the boarding area, the staff told me that we had to put our stuff in the lockers. Before, you can usually just leave your stuff on the side until the ride is over and this is still the same on other rides. I put my little bag in the locker and thought to myself if I should leave my wallet and phone in locker. I assumed since I've been on 2 rides before X2 that it wouldn't fall out, so I didn't put it in the locker. This is where I fucked up because, going up the lift hill, I felt my wallet slip out of my pocket and became out of reach. My heart just dropped, more so than the ride itself, and I immediately went to the staff as soon as I got off the ride. They told me to file a detailed report (which I did) and told me that the park has to be closed (or at least the ride) to do what is called a "Sweep" to search for lost items.
Now I just play the waiting game and hope my wallet is recovered. I checked the catwalks where it fell and I didn't see a glimpse of the wallet. It could be on the ground, on the other track, or maybe I wasn't looking hard enough and it is on the catwalk.
Fuck me.
Edit: to clarify what was in the wallet. My driver's license, ID, season pass to SFMM,Disneyland, and the Monterey bay Aquarium, debit card, my insurance card, and these other retail cards that I could easily replace.
SlavicHavoc: Some poor low waged worker is going to pick it up and clean your wallet of any money.
But, what do I know?!
Good luck!
natonio95: Lol jokes on the worker, I have no money in that thing. Just my debit card which I happened to canceled.
SlavicHavoc: Damn.
Well, expect your wallet to be returned immediately. hahaha.
| 4 | 1.5 |
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