start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1407033447 | 1407043073 | t3_2ch03k | t5_2to41 | 4 | theDogfromFrasier: TIFU by assuming what the T stands for in every post.
agentlame: Removed; read the sidebar.
theDogfromFrasier: why? What rule ples
agentlame: It's not a fuck-up. It's a meta post about the sub.
theDogfromFrasier: im new. whats a meta? im not being rude
agentlame: Ah, it means that rather than posting normal content to the sub, you are posting content about the sub. We don't really allow these. You're free to message the mods if you have suggestions, though.
theDogfromFrasier: Thanks for your help. I'm unsubscribing from TIFU. Eat it.
agentlame: lol... have a nice night.
theDogfromFrasier: lol... thanks for being polite, you too dude
| 9 | 0.444444 | |
1407029962 | 1407037750 | t3_2cgvnh | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by misunderstanding my boss on the phone
I work at an ophthalmologists' clinic. My boss is a cool Italian doctor and his son is also a doctor. My boss usually doesn't work on Saturdays but he came in today to do some paperwork and to see one of his patients. The son works on Saturday. So today I forgot that my boss was in the clinic. So I'm doing my insurance related work and the phone rings.I answer:
My boss : "Hello This is Dr. Boss. I'm in room #1 doing some paperwork, don't let any patients in to the back " *hangs up*
what *I* heard: Hello This is Dr.Boss. I'm in room #1 with a patient. I need some paperwork, so somebody come to the back"
He speaks really fast and sometimes I don't understand him. I didn't get a chance to tell him to repeat what he said.
At first, it didn't make any sense, because why would he call us if he's in the same building? Can't he just come out of the room and tell us this? Also, nobody was bothering him back there so I don't know why he called. Anyway, so I tell my co-workers what I heard. Both of them have this " what the fuck is she talking about" look on their faces. This is where the real fuck up begins. One of my coworkers goes to the back to find out what he really wants. Turns out, what he wanted was everyone to leave him alone, and I fucked up really bad.
After a few minutes, the son, also a doctor like I said before, comes to me with a tiny smile on his lips and my heart drops. I thought the boss sent him so that he could fire me. Anyway he tells me what his father really said. In my squeaky little voice, I tell him. "I misheard him :( ". And that is all I told him. I was embarrassed and scared. Somehow I finished my work and got out of there a few hours after. I don't know how I'm going to face my boss and co-workers next time I go to work.
TL;DR: Boss called, told not to bother him, but I did the opposite.
johnnywacko: Who the fucking fuck cares. Unless father was buttfucking son or vice versa, I don't see the problem?!
[deleted]: I am new there. You don't really want to mess up anything if you just recently started working somewhere.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407033995 | 1407087007 | t3_2ch0sg | t5_2to41 | 18 | SparkyPingPong: TIFU by being a hard worker
I'm the kind of person who is never on time for anything because I always get stuff done early. In this example, I always get to work at least 10 minutes before my shift.
Yesterday was just a normal drive to work until I came across a bridge that I drive over every day, as there was a cute little puppy in the middle of it. I could tell he wasn't a stray because he had a collar and was obviously well-groomed. Anyways, me being the animal-loving guy that I am, I pulled over to try to help it. Right as I got out, a girl got out of her car on the other side of the road. Now, this girl was drop-dead cute and had a beautiful voice. We both go straight to work trying to see if one of us can grab the dog and look at its collar. We spent a good 4-6 minutes stopping cars and making dumb noises.
The dog ended up running into a nearby yard filled with little kids. When he got there, the kids all screamed "ABBY" and an adult came out to bring the dog inside. We both looked at each other and had a sigh of relief. She thanked me for my help and we went our separate ways. Of course, my rush to get to work by my desired time wiped my mind until I got there. The second I pulled into my parking spot, I realized what an idiot I was. I had a cute girl who saw me stop everything to help a little puppy and I didn't think to even ask her name. I kicked myself the rest of my shift.
tl;dr I had the opportunity of a lifetime and I was too consumed by my work to notice
[deleted]: A mentor once said to watch for obsessions in all things. Sometimes we are workaholics to avoid other parts of life. We pass up the serendipitous moments when puppies go out of their way to introduce us to kittens. Not only the woman who stopped, the people of the house, or all of you, had a moment of opportunity to be closer. Maybe just a few minutes or maybe a lifetime.
P.S. May be it turned out just like it should also. A lesson you shared with us to remind us all what opportunities await us each day.
WayneKent93: So damn wise
[deleted]: Just self reflection. Stopped while bicycling to help a cat hit by a car and a woman stopped her car and took cat to vet hospital. Pretty sure cat was going to die, but at least someone was fighting for him to live. Got to see how much compassion in women is attractive to me, and she was really hot.
Nice moment. Should have given her my card. Have a lot of stories where I wish I would have put myself out just a bit more, but looking back I get better at it each time. Guess there is hope for me yet!
WayneKent93: Love is appreciation right? The things we do love...one way or another, they do come back to us if it's meant to be.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1407034220 | 1407119866 | t3_2ch132 | t5_2to41 | 127 | bobbymcguire: TIFU by using my laptop on the toilet.
Im not sure where to start but here goes...
I use my laptop when im on the toilet. im sure i am not the only one that does this. Anyway i went to the toilet a few hours ago and was just looking at the usual sites and applying for jobs. When it comes to wiping my ass i put the laptop on the corner of the bathtub facing me where it sits securely while i wipe my ass. when im wiping i do have a look every now and then to see how much i have left to go. lately my poop has been really black so ive been kinda inspecting my poop longer than i usually do just to make sure what was going on and what to google for. when im done i pick up my laptop. i noticed the small green light next to my web cam was on. i figured i must of hit a key and turned on photo booth by mistake. i was going through multiple windows i had open to find it and turn it off. then i saw it. my long time high school crush staring at me with her hand over her mouth. i had somehow sent or accepted a skype call with her as i was putting my laptop down. she had seen everything.. even my poop inspection...wiping..EVERYTHING...i quickly closed the call and just stood there in shock. embarrassed, confused and also angry that she sat through it and watched it all.
Im not sure what to do now or how to approach her again. Things were going really good between us and this happens..
Sorry if this seems rushed and poorly written. i have too much on my mind and still shaken up.
TLDR: I accidentally skype'd with a girl who i had a crush on while wiping my butt.
FNABolt: Oh man. You need to move, change your name, and start a new life. Your reputation is beyond repair. Good luck with your new identity.
bobbymcguire: I actually created a new nickname on reddit because i didnt want anyone even remotely knowing who i am.
OtakuSRL: inb4 your IRL name is "Bobby McGuire"
:P
bobbymcguire: haha yeah.
| 5 | 25.4 | |
1407034966 | 1416731700 | t3_2ch22y | t5_2to41 | 1,321 | Biggs62: TIFU by letting a dog hump and blow a load all over me (not beastiality) (NSFW)
This TIFU actually happened today (crazy right)
So I was watching a buddy of mines house while he went on a trip to see his family up in Washington. So I get to the house and he has this big black lab that he refuses to neuter. That damn dog follows me around all day and won't stop trying to hump me. If I closed a door he would ram into it full force until I would open it. By the end of the day I'm laying down in the guest room trying to watch LOST and the dog starts ramming into the door until I open it and I decide I'll let him lay on the bed with me until he just passes out from a whole day of trying to hump me.
As I'm laying there hitting his nose every time he tries to hump me I finally give up and I just put a pillow where he is humping me at hoping that he'd just hump me and be done with it and he just goes to town on the pillow that's on my leg and all of the sudden... Boom that dog blows the biggest load ever all over me all over the sheets, in my hair, on my face, EVERYWHERE. (No I did not think he would do this) And you know what he does when he's done? Shits on the carpet.
TL;DR
I let a dog hump me until it gave me a facial and then he pooped on white carpet.
Edit: Wow my first reddit gold!
Orochinagi: Is it weird for me to think its damn naughty what you did
yes_it_is_weird: #
[deleted]: OK, considering you have 77k karma, are you responding only to things where it's *actually* weird, or just to every time someone asks the question?
Or are you in fact a bot who responds to every use of "is it weird" on reddit?
Icalhacks: Is it weird that I want to know?
yes_it_is_weird: #
Icalhacks: Is it weird that I think this is a bot?
yes_it_is_weird: #
HomieDOESPlayDat: Is it weird that I'm pooping while reading this?
yes_it_is_weird: #
JustAPinchOfVanilla: Is it weird that you don't ever seem to take longer than a minute to reply (At-least, in this post-chain) and thus making me think you're a bot, because, if you weren't a bot you wouldn't reply to this post?
yes_it_is_weird: #
JustAPinchOfVanilla: HA! CAUGHT YOU OUT YOU SLY LITTLE BUGGER!
EDIT:- Or [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/1xxjlr/what_does_it_really_take_to_run_a_reddit_bot/)
iandioch: is it weird that now I want pop-tarts?
yes_it_is_weird: #
Kelossi: Is it weird?
WinkiiTinkii: No.
| 17 | 77.705882 | |
1407036096 | 1407128941 | t3_2ch3jc | t5_2to41 | 11 | chucho_0: TIFU by learning you can delete the partition table of the root mounted hard disk
This is kind of technical, but bear with me.
Laptop has been having some issues lately (extremely slow booting, crashy, etc). It's kind of old but still hanging on, so why bother replacing it just yet? Well, I may almost have a reason now.
This morning I found an old thumbdrive that's partitioned weirdly, probably from my last OS install. I dual-boot Linux Mint alongside XP (yes the laptop is that old, no I don't care that about vulnerabilities because I only use it to play games a couple of times a year, so there's no sensitive data on there). So I fire up fdisk to blow out the partitions on the thumb drive so I can reimage it and maybe reinstall Linux to fix aforementioned issues. So pow pow pow blow out all of the partitions and write the partition table. Go to inspect the disk and WTF they're still there...
Then I realize, I had run
sudo fdisk /dev/sda
instead of
sudo fdisk /dev/sdb
*gulp*
That means I had actually deleted all of the partitions on my *harddisk* not the thumbdrive. (I didn't even think you could do that- TIL).
So here I am, trying to manually repair the disk and backing up what little data I care about in case I have to completely start over from scratch. Thankfully most of my files are safe on my external drives.
Lazarious: Run testdisk on the disk that you blew the partiotions up on. Since you haven't done anything else to the drive you should be able to recover all of them.
chucho_0: Thanks, that's actually what I'm doing right now. It seems find all three partitions (I also have one for swap), but it marks them all as primary when do were actually under an extended partition. I was able to scroll back up in my terminal window (that thankfully I didn't close) and find the output of fdisk preTIFU, but when I tried writting it back exactly as it was it didn't seem to like it.
Lazarious: You told testdisk which ones were primary and which were logical? I usually just try to get the partition that had the data I need on it and to hell with the rest.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1407037865 | 1407273172 | t3_2ch5qx | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by mentioning "defecation" in my home.
Alright, so I have been attempting to establish a daily exercise routine for the last several weeks. I go for a run, and then take a shower upon returning home. Yesterday, however, I could not immediately shower upon my return because my sister was in the *toilet* (the *bathroom* is separate in my house), and so I waited for her to come out, and wash her hands in the *bathroom*. For some reason, though, she had trouble **flushing** the fucking toilet, and as I was too impatient to stand there waiting for her vain attempts I offered to flush it *for* her.
I asked her if she had "defecated," (that is what the word literally translates to in English from my native tongue) being genuinely more so willing to flush the toilet for her as opposed to standing there in a puddle of sweat and such unpleasant bodily excretions.
Seemingly, my mum did not find the word quite as innocuous and legitimate despite of the context. Given that my vocabulary is not quite expansive in my native tongue, I asked her for any other words I shall use henceforth. My attempts to reason with her proved to be futile, and somehow she brought up my renunciation of Islam in an attempt to justify herself -- whatever relevance that may bear (but hey, who cares for being reasonable l0l). Pointing the impertinence of that lead to my mum kicking me out of the house for a couple of hours.
Within this time, I wandered the roads I would use during my running time. About half an hour prior to midnight, someone reported my presence -- given the time -- to the police (I am 14-years-old, so that might be unusual). I was approached by the police, and I told them about how my mum told me to "go outside" -- as opposed to "kicked me out of the house" -- to prevent any repercussions that may have due to the somewhat stringent laws we have in Britain in regards to child abuse.
They approached my mum about the situation, and she took me back inside. Formal conditions for my residence at this house had to be established. Formal conditions included, but were certainly not limited to "no arguing with your mother, for if you don't believe in a divine provider, at least you shall submit to me.". These conditions do not do quite much as to dissuade me from staying here; I get a residence, food, and internet, for merely sucking up to someone. My relationship with my mother has proved to be one of just financial dependence.
**TL;DR: Got kicked out of my house for saying "defecation", and was returned by the police at nearly midnight. I had to comply with established conditions if I wanted to stay in this household furthermore.**
ArgonNightmare: "Defecation" has quite an animalistic and therefore rude connotation to it. You should try and be more civil and polite towards your elders and family members, as that might avoid you these situations in the future.
The religious aspect of the argument, or rather why it caused your mother to be upset should be obvious to you as well, but I'm guessing since you are 14 you feel justified in acting out and saying whatever you want.
In a few years time you will be kicked out of the house and this time no police will let you back in again. Respect your parents, they are your most valuable asset and your guiding force.
Good luck.
Hizakix92: I'm curious to know why that word considered to be rude ( in a personal and reiligious manner ), honestly that is one of the more civil and polite ways to mention the act of voiding ones bowels...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407035877 | 1407052215 | t3_2ch3a2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | KushosaurusRex: TIFU by throwing up on my neighbor's rug on his birthday
TIFU about 30 minutes ago. For my neighbor's birthday he wanted to have a few people over and have a little smoke party. After a while of passing bowls and blunts around continuously, everybody was pretty stoned, laughing and coughing up a lung. I hit the bowl my buddy claimed to have just topped off, it was too dark to see, but there was nothing but ash in the bowl. I rip it and hot ash shoots down my throat, as soon as I thought I was about to cough, I puke all over his rug. The looks on this face was indescribable. I instantly apologized and offered to clean it up but he just shook his head no and that he would see me later. I was, and still am high as hell and I couldn't help but let out a loud laugh as I was walking out, I really do feel terrible about it though. I just think it's hilarious.
It was a lot of puke..
PM_ME_YOUR_POT: Gotta cough to get off brah. Although, coughing and yakking all over your bro's place are two different things.
KushosaurusRex: I definitely got off haha, just a little too much cough.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407039637 | 1407049998 | t3_2ch80l | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU buying a white couch.
kalitarios: Fuck yo couch
HollowPointBullet: Buy another one, you rich motherfucker.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407038205 | 1407042740 | t3_2ch65k | t5_2to41 | 7 | MRyno: TIFU by leaving a fancy sink running...
So, some context would really help to demonstrate how badly I screwed the pooch on this one. My in-laws recently purchased a very nice (multi-million dollar) ski-in/ski-out property in Park City, UT. We were staying there over the weekend with visiting family. A family friend is having a wedding dinner there on Tuesday. Everyone was out running errands and having fun in town and I was taking care of some things. Being local, I help out with things that need to get done. So, everyone is gone and I am rinsing out a rag with tons of dirt on it in the upstairs laundry room. The water is running in the sink and onto the rag with the rag in the corner of the sink. As the water is rinsing the rag out, I am throwing in some laundry and taking out the dry sheets. My 11 month old daughter had been sleeping and I heard her wake up. If I hurry, I know I can get her back to sleep and keep doing things for a little longer. I look at the rag still rinsing in the sink right where I left it. I sprint across the house to get my daughter back to sleep. This particular time, it takes closer to 10 minutes. Now, the sink that I'm using to rinse things out is some kind of special washing sink that happens to not have an overflow drain. It looks like a jacuzzi for your delicate, hand washing clothes. I walk downstairs to get a drink of water and... OH FUCK! The rag must have moved while I was putting my daughter back to bed and clogged the sink perfectly. Water is pouring out of the ceiling where the recessed lights are. My mind is thinking a thousand thoughts as I scramble to get towels put down on the wood floor that is clearly already completely soaked. Bear in mind that they had some renovation work in other rooms that was just completed yesterday. I call my wife who is with my in-laws grabbing lunch and tell her to come home now. I gave her the short version of the story and all I can think of is how I am now going to be the idiot son-in-law. It takes them a good 25 minutes to come home which allowed me enough time to get most of everything cleaned up with the exception of the water that is dripping into buckets from four recessed lights and a couple wood beams that run the length of the breakfast nook/kitchen. As it turns out, I have amazing in-laws who were not mad at all and were exceptionally understanding of my accident. We let the water drip into the buckets for an hour or two longer and the plan seems to be to see how things dry up. We'll wait to fix it until after the wedding dinner unless it needs to be taken care of before then. I feel like quite the idiot today.
TLDR: I left a sink running innocently in my in-laws multi-million dollar vacation home and while I put my daughter back to sleep, the sink overflowed and ran for a good 10 minutes onto the floor and through the kitchen ceiling onto wood floors among other things. There is a wedding dinner on Tuesday. I am an idiot.
zakaboom: Could have been worse. Could have been a poor friend or family member's only house. Someone that would probably have to live with a mold issue or structural damage because they don't have the means to get it properly repaired. If it was a rental, the potential loss of deposit and being sued. I'm sure your in-laws will be fine.
MRyno: You are totally right. I still feel terrible since I could never pay to replace the nice things that have been ruined. It won't be life changing for them but knowing that I can't do anything to fix it is pretty tough for me.
zakaboom: Definitely understand! Plus no one wants to ruin their relationship with the in-laws! Have a great (and dry) weekend!
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407038932 | 1407048316 | t3_2ch71t | t5_2to41 | 7 | MARIJEWUANAS: TIFU I fucked up by playing with fire
It wasn't actually today, it was when I was 12. I was going through the "fire" phase and was playing with matches in my dads shed. The shed is wooden and you can guess where this is going. So I was playing with the matches and I opened a window because it was getting hot in the shed. A breeze blew through the window and the flame burned my hand. In shock and pain, I dropped it. The flame caught the wooden floor on fire and eventually it burned the whole shed down. I was grounded for almost 2 months.
panameboss: You know the IFU stands for I fucked up, right?
MARIJEWUANAS: Oops, forgot.
Nandabun: RIP in peace.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407041286 | 1407051345 | t3_2cha1q | t5_2to41 | 10 | Cheapshot99: TIFU by having explosive diarrhea
joelwinsagain: "TIFU by going to Bakersfield..."
Cheapshot99: Bakersfield is like the shit hole of California
le_mous: I see you've never been to Stockton..
thornrak: I see both of you have never been to Lake County
| 5 | 2 | |
1407041678 | 1407058318 | t3_2chahh | t5_2to41 | 16 | james218: TIFU by pissing on my sons stereo
Today I fucked up by pissing on my sons stereo. I had a long day with the kids and we were out all day. when we got home I was happy to get them ready for bed and relax. As part of the relaxation I figured Id have a couple of beers. Because I had a long day and was tired, I had three beer and was feeling pretty good so I decided to go to bed. About one in morning I wake up and decided to check on my son. I hear a weird noise (a Wining noise like a motor is straining to start) and notice its coming from the stereo. For some reason, I think its completely logical to starting peeing on the stereo system.
When I was done the weird sound didn't stop. I picked it up and realise that it is dripping in piss. I look around and there is piss everywhere. At that point I realize what I have done. And I think to myself. What the fuck am I doing.
I grab a towel and start soaping up the piss and unplug the stereo. The sound finally stops. I then Look around to more of the damage and see the piss has seeped in to a lot of different places. I continue to look where all the wet spots are and continue to wipe it up.
At this point I am wondering if I have a drinking problem as the whole situation seemed completely logical until I stopped peeing.
I know I may have been half asleep but I feel like I have turning to alcohol lately to comfort myself and having more than a few beers on weeknights and weekend.
I just took an alcoholics tests online and answered 10 out of 20 questions yes and according to the test if you answer three or more yes you should seek help.
What should I think or do?
james218: I am actually worried. I may be an idiot but it honestly never occurred to me that I was doing anything abnormal until I stopped and took inventory. It was like one of those moments when I said to myself, "What the fuck am I doing?" I think I may have been half asleep at the time but I also wonder if my lapse of judgement could have been caused from the drinking.
Now that I think about it I think I may have been half asleep because I don't really remember doing it. It wasn't until I was done and I was fully awake that I came to the realization. I think I may have been in somewhat of a sleepwalking state.
Anyway, I am not going to dismiss this and say its not due to drinking. I have had too many close calls with drinking to keep dismissing them and say I don't have a problem. I think this may be the wake up call.
Been in jail and the hospital because of drinking.
nataliieportman: Rest assured, you're just an idiot. Don't drink for 2 weeks. If you can't hack it than you're an alcoholic.
https://ncadd.org/learn-about-alcohol/alcohol-abuse-self-test
I answered yes to 12 of these and I'm nowhere near an alcoholic. Online tests are bogus.
CountedTo96: I got a 7 and I get drunk 1-2 times a year. hardcore alcoholic here
nataliieportman: It was fun to take. Granted, I'm in college so I drink way more than I should.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1407041574 | 1407048056 | t3_2chae0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By having an $800 phone bill...
...on my grandparent's account right after my grandfather got out of the hospital after a near-fatal heart attack.
I never want to know this feeling again.
1st_thing_on_my_mind: how exactly does that happen? were you calling porn chat numbers in another country?
RadioSmith: What I think happened was I set my ipad to be an open hotspot and then forgot about it for a week, and I'm guessing my neighbors went crazy on it. not the smartest move.
Nandabun: I wonder if you could contest that or get something arranged.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407041161 | 1407078702 | t3_2ch9wf | t5_2to41 | 238 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with a latex condom. [NSFW]
This post fits the TIFU because it actually happened a few days ago.
So I'm at a precollege program at a nameless University and there's this girl I kinda like. After a couple days of flirting and fellatio, we decide to have sex. Pretty normal routine--we're making out, doing some touching, and she asks the whole, "do you have a condom?" thing. I do back at my dorm (some shitty latex one I got a couple weeks back), and sprint to get it. I come back, we find a nice quite spot in the park because for some reason this Uni has super strict coed rules and, sparing the details, do the dirty.
After about 20ish minutes, she wants to stop. I'm confused, but you know, it’s her vagina and her decision. We stop, she blows me and everybody wins, right?
Well, no, not really. We decide to stop and smoke a cigarette on the way back, and I notice she's walking kinda weirdly. Well, very weirdly actually—she’s almost staggering. I ask what’s wrong…
Well, apparently, the latex in the condom caused her vagina to swell. A lot. I’m not super huge, so I’m just as surprised as she is. She described the pain as as “a pinching sensation in my [her] snatch.”
We stop at some Chinese takeout place to get ice. She’s pretty pissed off the entire night. Maybe not pissed off, just frustrated. Hell, I don’t know. Well, anyways, her roommate had some Advil. She’s feeling better now, but we aren’t fucking. In her words, she still “has PTSD.”
No sex for me.
TL;DR: had sex with a latex condom, ruined this girls vagina.
bazookajt: Honestly that sounds like a latex alergy. She is likely allergic to mangos too. They make non latex condoms for exactly this reason. She might want to invest in a few
Layman76: Bananas and avocados, too.
It really sucks.
juice_box_hero: Kiwi too. Source: allergic to latex, kiwi and banana. Was told by the hospital that kiwi and latex allergies usually go hand in hand.
Layman76: That's because kiwi, avocado, and bananas grow on rubber trees. I think (keyword: think) that avocados have less latex in them, though.
juice_box_hero: Ohhhhhh. That would make sense. I was wondering what the correlation was. TIL!!
| 6 | 39.666667 | |
1407042486 | 1407044264 | t3_2chbgd | t5_2to41 | 54 | HardKnockRiffe: TIFU by letting my kids play upstairs
So, this happened a couple of days ago...
My children have a play room on the second floor of our house that they play in frequently. There is absolutely nothing in this room - no furniture, no TV, nothing. Just toys and floor space. This is to make sure the kids don't get hurt.
So, the kids were upstairs playing while I was on the main floor cleaning and making lunch before I had to leave for work. Suddenly, I hear a loud *thud* (which is not uncommon since they jump around a lot) followed by my older son screaming for me. He then came bolting down the stairs screaming, "[my younger son]'s finger is squirting blood!"
Completely freaked out by this, I ran upstairs to find my younger son covered in blood holding out what looked to be a broken finger. Keeping calm, I wrapped his hand in a hand towel and called my wife to have her meet me at the hospital.
When I pulled up to the hospital, my wife grabs my son out of the car and takes him into the hospital while I parked the car. After doing that, I walked into the children's ER and was pointed in the direction of my son's room. Half way there, I was stopped mid-stride by the ER doctor who bluntly asked, "Do you have the other part of your son's finger?"
Obviously I didn't have the missing part of his finger, since I thought it was only broken. Thinking back, though, I remember seeing the bone sticking out and never thought to check if it was missing. So, I had to go back home and search for my son's missing fingertip. I found it, but that didn't matter. The doctor's would end up not reattaching it.
TL;DR - I let my kids play on the second floor and now my son is missing a fingertip.
jonesy0412: What kind of jacked up toys could do that? How did it happen?
HardKnockRiffe: Apparently he jumped off of the window sill with his hand wrapped in the nylon cord that draws the blinds. Who knew?
WhoKnowsWho2: These guys probably knew http://www.windowcoverings.org
jonesy0412: WhoKnowsWho2 knows who knew.
HardKnockRiffe: LMAO, I didn't even catch the user name.
| 6 | 9 | |
1407043790 | 1407044477 | t3_2chcz1 | t5_2to41 | 12 | FloppyJester: TIFU By Propsing to a woman
TIFU October 2010
I had been with my at the time ex gilfriend for about six month, and all was going well with us. I was in job training for a very good CSR position and passing college.
So one night during my lunch break at training, I decided to use my first paycheck to surprise my not-soon-to-be fiance with the best Wal*Mart ring I could get for three-hundred dollars or less in less than sixty minutes. I succeeded at finding the perfect engagement ring in fifteen minutes flat for Two-hundred fifty dollars including tax and made it back to work with enough time to eat my lunch I forgot about.
The next day I invited her over to my friends, hince I wanted to propose infront of everyone I could but my family would have flipped shit so I decided friends were best. In the early afternoon in front of what friends i had, i told my fiance to close her eyes and then I randomly popped her the question in my friend's living room with the beautiful saphire silver band ring in hand. As I asked the question I managed to put the ring on thr wrong finger of the wrong hand while her eyes were still closed.
Needless to say I was punched repeatedly for this improper placement, but the event gets better. Apparently she didnt like surpises or the ring I had picked for her and she wanted to exchange it. I agreed, with a little of my pride gone and I took her to the same Wal*Mart I bought it from. She explained she didnt like saphired or the way the band was and was able to pick out a ring. Now it would have been acceptable to pick out a ring that somewhat looked decent, but instead she picked out a cheap seventy five dollar gold plated band with a ruby on it, and handed me back well over two hundred dollars. Talk about a smack in the face. She didnt bother buying coverage for it either. Well the next day she broke the band and had to take it in as I was laughing about the situation all the way to the greeter.
BUT WAIT, THERES MORE!
she ended up cheating on me a few weeks after christmas by having sex with her ex boyfriend and then came over and told me all about it at ten o'clock in the morning with tears running down her face. We had makeup sex and then she asked to borrowmy new Nikon camera I had just got and make a photobook for me. I told her no and she was on thin Ice. I kissed her goodbye and used the restroom as her mom just pulled up. Whem I came back, my camera was missing. After spending hours looking for it, I finally decided to use my brain and ask my fiance. She cried admitting she stole it. I went off like a freshly fucked hayena on a hot summer day.
I told my friends and they went with me over to her house to get back my property.
Needless to say I ended the relationship like a Boss in front of her family and friends that were over there. The wedding planner was so pissed off that day when broke things off. The look on everyones face, priceless.
So I got my camera back and went back home, single and a new man....
until I lost my job and flunked college becuase everything went to hell after that point.
oh well, shit happens. Wipe and flush.
joelwinsagain: Better to have an ex-fiancee than an ex-wife!
FloppyJester: Very True.
| 3 | 4 | |
1407043134 | 1407057791 | t3_2chc8m | t5_2to41 | 2 | Raichu4u: TIFU by trying to throw a party.
Twice a year, a friend and I host "gaming parties", which started with about 10 people showing up, to nearly about 40-50 people coming to these events. We have one in the summer (which already occurred), and one in the winter. Everyone gets REALLY pumped for these parties.
Me, wanting to have a huge head start on the party, talked to my friend about making a Facebook event page to start getting organized now for our winter party. He said sure, but to keep it small. Okay, I agreed, the last time we hosted our party was at a library, which allowed us to have tons of more people, and this time we would be hosting from within a basement. 30 people seemed fair, we managed to fit 36 down in this same basement one party, and everything worked fine.
I invited 45 people to this (naturally expecting people to always decline/not even look at it). Then came tonight, when my friend messaged me saying that it wasn't small enough. I misunderstood, he wanted about 10 people.
So yeah. Now I have to explain to about 35 people that they can't go to one of the most hyped parties of the year, which is going to be a little bit awkward, since with some people, it's the only thing we talk about. I fucked up pretty bad.
[deleted]: Try to find a new venue. You could always pick a bigger venue, and maybe charge 5 or 10 bucks. You could make this into a really big thing. There is A LOT of potential here.
[deleted]: Ya, or split it into two parties. The show must go on.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407045731 | 1407047423 | t3_2chf1f | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by loving birds
OK, this one happened when I was a kid, around 11 or 12. It's nowhere near as earth-shattering as a lot of these are, but it was still pretty embarassing at the time.
I'm walking down the street with my dad, having just come from a KB Toys store (anyone else miss KB Toys?) and playing some video games. Now, something you have to understand about me is that I am, was, and always will be a massive bird nerd (check my username). And at the time, one of my favorite documentary series was David Attenborough's "The Life of Birds." (Still one of my favorite documentaries today.) One of these documentaries was about communication, and a segment was about bird song in the Amazon. One of the birds highlighted was the [Screaming Piha](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIGdnUEKuNU), the loudest bird in the rainforest.
So, I'm talking to my dad about this documentary I just watched. I should also note that I've always loved whistling, so I replicated this call. At this point, you REALLY should click that link I provided. Because, just as I demonstrated the whistle, two women were walking right past us. Looks were exchanged.
TL;DR: [Some bird sounds](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIGdnUEKuNU) probably shouldn't be copied publicly.
P5ychoRaz: Yes. I also miss Electronics Boutique and the dozens of video-rental/porno stores. Gamestop blows.
otusasio451: Ah, the 90s/early 2000s. They will always be treasured.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407041347 | 1407106403 | t3_2cha45 | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU... Thrice
This actually happened today, so yay for you but not for me as I am still nursing my injured pride and ego. Just came back from Washington D.C. and I am dog tired and amazed at how things can go from bad to worse in such a short time.
As some of you may know, there was a protest for Gaza and Palestine in front of the white house. I got there pretty early and this is a few minutes before the first fuck up.
I'm laying in the grass, sky is pretty cloudy decent shade and look to my left and see this goddess sitting with her children. I kid you not this lady was like the epitome of fertility with looks like Aphrodite. Green eyes, blonde hair, big boobs and a lot of junk in the trunk. Its like the Big Man upstairs himself let some lucky guy go to heaven's Build A Wife Workshop and take her to Earth. Who ever this man is you are truly blessed. She has 5 kids, 4 boys and 1 girl and they're sitting down on their picnic blanket maybe 10 feet away playing with each other, when all of a sudden one of the boys fell and tried to grab is mother's shoulder for support and missed (fortunate for me but in a few minutes makes me curse my existence) and pulls down her dress and bra strap in one fell swoop.
What is left before my very eyes is the pure wonderfulness of a boob. Yes it was just one boob but it was a glorious boob. His mom is laughing and stops when she sees me staring. I quickly stand up to leave and see her face contort into a visage of shock and amusement.
I know what happened before I even look down. The week before I had gone shopping and picked out some fancy pants. I wore them without ever trying them on and when I looked down my boxers had parted to let the spear through, which had also exited my pants.
I tried to stop it but it was as if my willy turned into one of those inflatable tube arm men from car washes and was mocking me by saying I don't have enough badges to train him. My cheeks turn very hot and me not thinking pulled my zipper up. All thought except for what I just did stopped for me as I pondered what I had just unleashed on to myself, and soon my thought was answered as the pain came express delivery style. I started whimpering as this had never happened to me before and had to pull the zipper down in what could only be describe as an eternity of pain and inspected it (I am still in front of the woman and her children) when she just starts laughing uncontrollably at me. I quickly tuck my tail between my legs and walk the walk of shame.
Food makes everything better right? Well for two exceptions I can think of that it doesn't
1. Eating at Taco Bell
2. Sharing your food with fucking grackles
I'm not a bird expert but I believe it was a grackle, not sure if they have those in D.C. or not, looked exactly like one.
I had walked to Starbucks a few blocks away and got an iced peach green tea as well as a few blueberry scones and walked to a different section of the park to eat. Some crumbs start falling and the grackles come and start pecking them from the grass. I decided to turn to karma and tossed a piece of my scone to them and the 3 of them fly back up to their branch above me. Not two minutes later Karma sends me a nice fuck you gift in the form of grackle shit raining down on me like hail from the Bible or a squad of B2 bombers raining down their fury on me. Most of it got on my cardigan so I guess that was great, even though I had to take it off to wipe the rest of their disgusting crap off my neck.
I'm walking down some plaza looking street next to the building were people are like this money is fake yo when I see a woman and her two children protesting... for Israel. You'd think I'd learn my lesson and stay away from women but this was too interesting. Shes already getting dirty looks which is understandable because she is simply spewing garbage like a leaking sewer pipe. Listened to a few minutes or her tirade until she says "Remember 9/11, don't forgive Gaza"
I'm pretty tall for a 16 year old, almost 6'3 and I approach her to just talk with her but I inadvertently intimidate her and this is were things went from it's raining grackle shit bad to horse shit bad.
The park police can apparently ride horses and not clean after them and earlier one of the horses had shit on the road, a few foot steps from where the woman is holding her Israeli flag and banner. As she sees me coming she takes a step back and stepped one of the chunks of shit and slips. The good news is her clothes did not get covered in Unicorn Nutella, the bad news is shes looking at me like it was my fault. As if the trumpets were sounded lo and behold the white knights of the circle jerk table appear (no fedora this time sorry) and that's when things got really bad. One of the guys I guess he is their Great Circle Jerk Patriarch comes up to me and says, "Dude I totally saw you shove her" This entices his merry band of CG brethren which begin to crowd around me like hounds hunting an unfortunate fox. Mind you these are fucking 20 year olds and I'm only 16. I try to talk my way out of it but this guy is such a douche bag and stops me every time I try to speak saying woman beaters don't get to talk.
I simply run I was not going to get beat up by 6 guys, I may be built decently but I was not going to come out of that winning, so I ran like Sonic the Hedgehog on cocaine. I lose them eventually running through a crowd back in the park but at this point I'm just sweaty tired and feel like Zeus will smite me at any moment.
TL;DR: Got a Pecker Wrecker, Fed some B2 Shit Bombers, and incurred the wrath of the Knights Circle Jerklar
Might put some pictures up for the rest of my visit later on when I'm a functioning awake human being.
otusasio451: As a bird expert, I can verify that there are grackles in D.C.
mq999: One of Unidan's accounts?
otusasio451: Nope. I'm a bird expert all on my own! I am quite flattered, though, so thank you!
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1407037786 | 1407116566 | t3_2ch5o6 | t5_2to41 | 19 | BubblyFrog: TIFU by being lazy with my email address
So it wasn't *today* that I was lazy with my email address, but back when I made it I just made it something quick and easy; something like asdfasdf@email.com.
This morning, my girlfriend is really upset and she says to me she saw my email, and she saw that I had signed up for chaturbate. I had no idea what she was talking about, then she brought my laptop over and opened up my email inbox and there it was, an email from chaturbate telling me to verify my email address for the account asdfasdf.
It was then I realized that some horny teenager probably just entered a random, easy email address trying to sign up for the site. I tried to explain, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe me.
Derek573: a cam site really ... be much worse if it was OKCupid or Tinder
mtwstr: or ashley madison
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1407049339 | 1407050554 | t3_2chifp | t5_2to41 | 20 | thornrak: TIFU by being honest
So I was in the car with my girlfriend and her parents just cruising home. Her and her mom get into a small argument about where to eat and when its over she yells "Well you suck." Being the witty retard I am I decided to chime in with"Actually she swallows." Her moms jaw immediately dropped and her dad almost swerved into oncoming traffic. I'm so embarrassed I think her dad wants to kill me.
moons21: That's actually pretty hilarious. You shouldve stared her dad in the eyes to assert dominance
thornrak: Her dad is literally a lumberjack about 6'8 and is built like a truck.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1407048568 | 1407053270 | t3_2chhpu | t5_2to41 | 8 | i-build-circuits: TIFU by masturbating carelessly (NSFW)
This happened around an hour ago and I'm still reeling in pain.
So, I have terrible migraines. They give me light sensitivity, terrible pain from pressure, fucked up bowels, and a woefully little amount of energy. My migraine began two days ago after exiting a movie. I am trying to wean myself off of Excedrin migraine at the behest of my therapist because it supposedly can do damage to ol' liver, so as my head started to hurt, I started to push through the pain. No serious pain started until around 9:30 this evening, about a day after it began, just as I had finished working on my term paper. It started to hurt so bad that I was looking for any way to relieve the pain. I took a bath, turned out the lights, and played quiet music, but nothing seemed to help. I think "Hey. Jacking off feels pretty good and always relieves pressure, so let's try that". As I begin, I realize that it starts to hurt ten times worse. I forget that changing blood pressure and direct has a heavily negative effect on migraines, so masturbating is probably the LAST thing I should have done in this situation. I am on antidepressants that have a side effect of lasting a lot longer and feeling less during sexy time, meaning that I have to masturbate for a good while before I can get off. I had already committed to the plan, so I pushed through the immense pain of this foolhardy jacking, and finished. In a single moment, what was once a single point of pain flooded into a nightmare spawned by Satan's most unholy of migraines. I floored it back into the shower and proceeded to try and mitigate the pain, which faded very slowly. The memory of that orgasm will haunt me until my last day.
TL;DR Migraine + masturbation = the worst pain I've ever experienced.
ernova: Are you unable to get triptans (prescription)?
I'm Canadian, so I think our Excedrin just has Aspirin and caffeine; but american excedrin also has tylenol that can damage the liver? Try a bunch of Advil if you can't get prescription triptans. Like 600-900mg of Advil for the first dose.
Also, amitriptyline is an antidepressant that can also be used to prevent migraines when taken daily. So you could hit two birds with one stone by taking it. You should talk to your doctor about triptans to use when you get an attack or beta blockers, antidepressants, and other meds as prophylactic treatment if the attacks happen frequently enough to warrant.
i-build-circuits: I ran out of Aleve a little while ago and only buy some after a hit, which is not entirely intelligent.
The fuck ups continue though. I had a prescription for triptans, but lost it. That was two months ago after a vicious one.
My antidepressants are generics, but known for migraine help. Doctor appointment scheduled.
Thanks.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407050980 | 1407248995 | t3_2chjtv | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking a kids nose
First of all, sorry if some of my word usage is a bit wrong, English is my second language. This happened Friday, but i thought i would share.
So, i work at this daycare and have been there for around 8 months now. I'm still an apprentice (i think it's called). When i first started i got assigned to a room with around 15 kids at the age from 3-5. One of these kids was named Mohammed (I'll shorten it with Mo).
After the first few days at the daycare i found out that Mo is the most evil kid i have ever meet in my entire life. He doesn't say anything besides bad words, he likes to punch the other kids, steal people's shit, being loud and destructive, and he even punches the adults also.
Since Monday i have had a few meetings with my supervisor about him because i was getting so tired of no one caring about everyone getting bullied around at work by a 5 year old. We have had meetings with the parents before, but they don't care and there's a shit ton of politics and laws involved so it's really hard to actually kick out a kid from a public daycare.
So this Friday at around 10 o'clock, me and some of the kids goes outside to play some soccer. After 15 minutes of playing we take a short break. As i am standing and talking to some kids, suddenly out of nowhere Mo run at me, bends his foot like Beckham and with all of the power he has in his tiny body he kicked me right in the family jewels.
As i fall to my knees with this fiery pain in my body, i look up and see him just standing and laughing at me. He had no remorse.
All the anger builds up in me as i stand up. My brain went into standby mode as i saw the football laying in front of me. I then kicked the ball as hard as i can into Mo face, like holy fuck that ball was in there. I never thought i could shoot that hard.
After the ball left his face and landed on the ground, he just looked at me for at second, and then he started to cry. That was the moment i realized that TIFU. This was the first time i had seen him have any other emotions than evil. He was actually sad.
So i take him inside, explained everything to my supervisor and was told to take the rest of the day off. Tomorrow morning we are going to have a meeting about it, so i hope i get to keep my job even thought i lost my temper.
tldr; got bullied by a 5-year old, broke his nose.
john19638: next time just tell him moses isnt real
dr_piss: Burn the Quran in front of him
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407051063 | 1407097742 | t3_2chjww | t5_2to41 | 126 | skullyD: TIFU by being an asshole to a blind kid
Can't sleep, needed to tell this story I almost forgot about.
Happened about a week ago, I'm an orientation leader for my university.
So each orientation leader has their own group of students they look after and integrate them into college life. I like to go over basic college stigmas and campus lingo, etc.
So here I am with my group were just chilling. I encourage people to talk by bringing fuck tons of candy to make these little shits converse with each other and socialize. When they answer/ask a question, or make a valid statement I toss their favorite candy to them.
One kid, let's call him Gary, asked me a question about student life. I look over at him and I see he's wearing sunglasses....INSIDE.
This is a big pet peeve of mine, and I furiously dislike those kind of guys. I automatically write them off as grade 1 butt fucking douchebags.
I asked him what his favorite candy was and he told me it was snickers. I get ready to throw this kid his fucking snickers bar and I see his sunglasses, this re-angers me and I throw it way harder than I should have.
I absolutely NAILED this kid in the face and broke his sunglasses. I chuckle like the little fucking demon I am on the inside. He then yells, "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE IM BLIND YOU ASSHOLE!!"
My.....my heart. Sinks to the bottom of my stomach like the fucking titanic. Nobody told me he was blind, but apparently he's not fully blind and can still see well enough to do basic activities.
Except catch a fucking snickers bar.....with his face.
I apologized a million times over and I nearly got kicked off my orientation leader team.
I hear he has transferred to another school before he even began college.
Shit.
Edit: I feel I should explain more in depth about this, I was delusional and kinda drunk when I wrote this.
Wearing sunglasses inside is a pet peeve of mine, yes. So I grew a dislike of Gary immediately, call me crazy.
I didn't know the kid was blind, I didn't mean to throw it at his face, I just threw it in his initial direction. I. Expected the guy to catch it, but instead he caught it with his face.
It was an accident, doesn't mean it's not funny as hell. That is, until you find out he's blind.
So to all you redditors out there who are getting their panties in a wad over this post calling me an asshole, did you not read the title? I already know I'm an asshole.
[deleted]: What is wrong with wearing sunglasses inside?
kevintheseacucumber1: It makes you a grade 1 butt fucking douchebag.
[deleted]: How exactly?
Themellotronscratch: There are two types of people who wear glasses inside, blind people or assholes
[deleted]: So wearing sunglasses inside makes you an asshole?
Kingdudley: This guy wear sun glasses inside
[deleted]: Why would I wear them inside
NeoMegamanX: Cuz you're either blind or an asshole :3 pay attention mofo.
| 9 | 14 | |
1407053576 | 1408905079 | t3_2chlsq | t5_2to41 | 28 | Goperhs: tifu by not aiming my peepee when taking a piss
So last night I had downed 2 cans of sprite, around 2 hours before bed. Right before I went to hit the sack, I unloaded what was left of that sprite into the toilet.
**Mind you, I have really bad aim when pissing**
Tbh I missed the toilet for a bit of the pee, no big deal right? Well in the middle of the night, my dad ( who's like 55 years old) goes to the bathroom.
He slips on the piss I didn't clean up in the ground and severely hurt his neck / back.
So I'm typing this at the hospital, waiting to see my father. He broke his neck. I can't tell you how devastated I am right now.
Remember kids, always make sure to aim your peepee at the toilet, or you might break someone's neck.
tl;dr didn't aim my piss in the the toilet, father tripped and broke his neck
ShuffleCopy: Missing the toilet once in a while is human. Not cleaning it up is just nasty.
3zheHwWH8M9Ac: The Earth is my toilet. I never miss.
Goperhs: Earth is flat
PM_me_yourkittens: No.
Goperhs: wheres ur proof? DAS RIGHT U AINT GOT NONE BOITCH
PM_me_yourkittens: [this](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/97/The_Earth_seen_from_Apollo_17.jpg)
Goperhs: fake, you cant trick me, im goin intu grad 3 next yeer. to smart for u
PM_me_yourkittens: Yeah ok.
Goperhs: ur photoshop skill is bad
PM_me_yourkittens: I don't have photoshop.
Goperhs: nice try guy we all kno u do mr guy
PM_me_yourkittens: Girl*
| 13 | 2.153846 | |
1407055947 | 1407093197 | t3_2chnku | t5_2to41 | 7 | Wylecard: TIFU by being too sleepy and thus, too honest and made my best friend cry
So, this happened a couple hours ago. I was hanging out with a couple friends of mine, playing some video games and some board games and it was getting...late (about 4am) and I was starting to get the sleep-conscious...you know that state of mind where you are getting tired, so you inhibitions start to slide a little bit (I call it the sleep-drunk).
So, I like to say that I have a really good memory (I can remember most of my dreams when I wake up, without the aid of a dream journal..those are stories for another time), but I recalled some board game memories that stood out to me.
My friend, lets call him Vince, once while were playing [catan!](http://www.amazon.com/MayFair-Games-MFG3061-Settlers-Catan/dp/B000W7JWUA) I got basically a 'take all of x resource from every player' (I call it the 'take all your shit card') and I asked for x=wheat. He lied to me about how many he had, but I saw through it and got them all anyways..he was super angry...but yet somehow he doesn't remember it.
Then I told him about how my mom once told me that it's my choice whether I hang out with Vince (because he was a bit of an asshole) or not. I told her, in grade 7..that I would rough it out.
I didn't even think that it might hurt his feelings, but I looked over a couple times during our game and his eyes look liked he just cried a bit.. I reassured him that I meant I was just reminiscing and that I do not hold a grudge or anything, but the only thing that he said to me..twice..was "So you're saying I'm a bad friend".
What? Nononono, it's just a memory dude, there's no point in being angry at something like that now, it was like..12 years ago...we were kids and why the hell would you think that anyways..:/
Anyways, he's usually quite the 'manly-man', doesn't cry, acts tough, likes competition, but I guess I really hit a nerve. He didn't talk much during the rest of the game, but started to pick up near the end of the night...but still never really said anything about it.
I still haven't made a proper apology.
**TL;DR** played some board games into the wee hours, got too sleepy, developed sleepy-induced inhibitions and became really honest and made my best friend cry
myrptaway: Youre so mean!! >;(
Wylecard: I just don't view them as negative memories, or memories where I hold a grudge. Words have so much power and in my sleepy state, I must have temporarily forgot that :(
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407058725 | 1407111905 | t3_2chpje | t5_2to41 | 3,259 | Shudai: TIFU by getting into a fight with a fat naked guy
I travel quite a bit, am always moving from hotel to hotel and am at some point of recovery from jetlag.
Flying into the States, I checked into my hotel and crashed out almost straight away.
Waking during the night for a bathroom visit, I had an adrenaline explosion as I realised there was a fat naked guy in the room with me, and he was moving my way.
In my sleep befuddled state, I reacted by instinct more than thought, and threw a huge roundhouse punch at him.
Result: A $380 bill for a shattered hotel mirror and a badly cut hand.
serpentwhistler: Why was fat naked guy there in the first place? Am I missing something?
manders_madness: Read it again. You'll get there!
serpentwhistler: I had no idea it was a riddle. Forgive me for being a thin person who doesn't sleep completely naked.
Matthew94: It wasn't a riddle, you're just slow.
serpentwhistler: I'm usually not so slow. This particular riddle had me stumped.
cookiewalla: Why are u calling it a riddle?
serpentwhistler: riddle1 [rid-l]
noun
1.
a question or statement so framed as to exercise one's ingenuity in answering it or discovering its meaning; conundrum.
2.
a puzzling question, problem, or matter.
Source:http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/riddle?s=t
"I do not think that word means what you think it means."
cookiewalla: Clearly not the quickest of cats are you?
serpentwhistler: Lovely. Another insult. Is my understanding of the definition of the word in error? Or is my defense of my position just fruitless because I'm debating with uninformed and stubborn individuals? Please enlighten me.
cookiewalla: Well if you want to make a good point whilst wrong grabbing your thesaurus will only make you look like more of an idiot. And from your point of view i guess the latter, alltough youre the only one in the world who would regard this story as a riddle.
serpentwhistler: Hogwash! I am not going to count the number of confused responses to OP to establish a majority. I'll let you do that to establish a consensus that the story was framed confusedly. I don't need a majority to establish a general agreement. Plenty of commenters were confused. Without collecting intelligence test scores of the population in question your characterization of my intelligence based on your understanding of the anecdote is MOOT.
I didn't consult a thesaurus to characterize the anecdote as a riddle. Where am I wrong in the evidence? Who makes a better case? You want me to be wrong in my citations, but you don't show my error. That is logically indefensible and shouldn't prevail in court.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Everyone older than four should know the answer to the riddle. There was no widely accepted interpretation to OP's anecdote. Some people saw the answer to the riddle. Many did not. It's still a riddle.
I rest my case.
cookiewalla: Im to tired to try and convince you of anything, if you want to call this a riddle thats fine by me
serpentwhistler: That's alright. Wearing down the enemy is still a useful strategy.
"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha... "
cookiewalla: I have one last question are you wearing a fedora while you are writing this?
serpentwhistler: Actually, it is a tinfoil beret. Thanks for asking.
cookiewalla: actually laughed out loud at that one
| 17 | 191.705882 | |
1407061745 | 1407062148 | t3_2chrkq | t5_2to41 | 9 | NeutralBias: TIFU by kissing a girl, with my original girl watching.
This one's pretty simple. I have been involved with with a lady on my team for a couple weeks. Well, when I say involved, I mean slight making out. No sex, no petting, no oral, no handies, and certainly no base play. Honestly, I'm too busy to really be invested in the relationship, and she certainly didn't seem all that into it.
I suppose I tend to listen to a lady's actions over her words. In the last week, she just hasn't seemed all that interested in talking to me. The conversations we did have were quite superficial (e.g. talked about the weather, etc.). Never really reached out to talk to me over the phone, didnt propose any hangouts or dates, barely talked to me at practice.
My conclusion was that she just wasn't into me. Which is fine, totally her call.
Anyway, we had a team party at a local bar tonight. Again, she didn't really want to talk to me or whatnot, other than the usual superficial stuff. As the evening wore on, I started talking to another lady. We had some chuckles, some giggles, and some good times. As old man time marched on, I decided it was time for me to head home. I said goodbye to new lady friend. She gave me a kiss on the cheek. I gestured to kiss me on the mouth, which she did. Just a peck. Nothing gaudy or gauche. Well the original lady saw that, and now the shit has hit the fan.
Where did I fuck up? Look, if you find yourself in a situation like this, wherein you're not feeling it with the lady your involved with, fucking grow a pair and tell her asap.
devi59: So she wasn't your girlfriend but just a special lady friend? I thinks you're not in the wrong here, am I right?
NeutralBias: Yea, you're right. There really wasn't much between us. Either between myself and girl 1 or girl 2.
Since its inter-team though, shit can get messy. There's gonna be hell to pay next week at practice. Plus I can't help feeling like a douchenozzle.
So, maybe I'm seeking catharsis on reddit? Dunno. Just needed to confess I suppose.
| 3 | 3 | |
1407064960 | 1407066791 | t3_2chtx3 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Adrynix: TIFU, by deciding to never come back again.
A piece of explanation : I live by my own in Paris as a student, thanks to student's grant, while my family is in another city. I get to my stepfather's house, where my mother is living.
The fact is, my stepfather is like the one guy I'd like to be later, but sometimes he gets mad and shouts at me, telling me I'm a little piece of shit which wont ever be able to live a real life, I'm a pain in the ass of humanity and a lot more...
Lately I had many issues which makes me constantly upset, and almost depressed.
He did it, just half an hour ago, and its too much for me. I walked calmly up my room, and then punched a wall so hard I think I've broken one of my finger, I cant move it anymore and my hand is like twice its usual size. The worst part may be that we have a family lunch which is about to start. Everyone's downstairs, they've arrived a few minutes after I get to my room.
Tonight, I'll pack everything I can, and I'll leave this house to never come back again. I don't know how long I may be able to live by my own, but I know some people, aware of my familial's shitty relation, and whom are okay to support me.
Dear redditors, I'm feeling free, nevertheless I know its a mistake, but I cant take it anymore.
Sorry for the long text, btw. Imagine a potato here.
May I'll edit for news.
ToTheGasChambers: First of,
You live in Paris but you're making a big deal out of packing your shit and leaving?
Also, you study abroad, you're old enough to man up and punch that fucker right back.
You're feeling free? More like, "I'm feeling like a hormone infested teenager who wants to ramble on about their problems on reddit"
Close your computer and go back to paris, or man the fuck up and sucker punch that motherfucker right in the dong.
It's not what you want to do, it's what you have to do.
Adrynix: I live in a little student room in Paris, all I have is my student grant, and this year is the last time I'll have it. You may don't don't how much is the cost of life in such a city.
As soon as my university year will be over, I'll have no more room, nor money. Got it now?
ToTheGasChambers: If your university year is over, will you continue studying at another university in your home country? If so, you can surely afford university accommodation with a part-time job.
Adrynix: Well, I hope so. But what comes next is engineer school, and I don't know if I'll be able to get in.
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1407063145 | 1407076593 | t3_2chsib | t5_2to41 | 153 | RedwoodF: TIFU by unknowingly making the teacher show the entire sixth grade class an adult site
So this isn't very recent at all, but actually happened when I was in elementary school. I think it's a pretty good story though. It was sixth grade, and we had to do one of those poster board projects that every one of your teachers had to make you do at least twice a year. You know, those ones where you do a few blurbs on a topic, cut it out, put some pictures on it, and stick it on some poster board with Elmer's glue? One of those. Early on in the project, the teacher would let us go into the computer lab across the hall to gather up resources for our project. Today however, she would dedicate the entire social studies block to gathering up work for this project online, as well as doing write ups on the computers there.
Now, I happened to be a fairly good kid at the time I think, one of those types that got their work done ASAP and would take the remaining time to slack off with an excuse that I finished all of my work. So when the teacher came around to check up on what everyone was doing, she just saw me working away, using the prehistoric google to find good material online. One particular website I found, I thought was especially useful. It was a tourism website that went over cultural, technological, demographic and other aspects that you wouldn't actually expect to find in a tourism site. At the moment where the teacher came around, I excitedly showed her this site I found that could pretty much carry the entire project.
She looked at it through a bit and she liked it, and approved. Then she decided to stop the class for a brief moment to tell them about this great resource I had found. I really did appreciate the approval and I was ecstatic. Our sixth grade teacher then went to tell the class the name of this website, so they could call check it out for themselves. Well luckily for me, the website's name had a hyphen in it, and this was the only difference between a very informative tourism site, and a raunchy Asian porn site. Moments after the announcement, I hear gasps and general rabble. The person beside me opened up a porn site and that sinking feeling of realization hit me just as I got sent straight to the principals office.
TLDR: Shared to the class a great resource for a project, everyone got a dose of porn instead.
TZR86: So what's the website?
smokinporch: 2nded
pants_for_legs: 3rded
teiu88: op pls
PREDATORA: He's think of website names that could also be porn sites. Let the man think!
| 6 | 25.5 | |
1407065250 | 1407067673 | t3_2chu66 | t5_2to41 | 26 | Memoirs_of_a_camel: TIFU by sitting on the toilet for too long
choes35: So you spent $15 to shit for an hour and have a smelly arm?
Dagegen: Don't forget the one hour drive.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1407063180 | 1407092927 | t3_2chsj8 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my dad copy my phones photos to the computer
TIFU today, we had recently gone on a family holiday and I had taken a lot of photos on my phone of where we had been and the family and all that. We got back home and my Dad decides that he wants all my photos from the trip so he can show them to people so I'm like cool no worries here's my phone. He then proceeds to copy every single photo on my phone to the computer. By this stage I'm mildly worried that the weird photos from 4chan I've saved will creep him out a little. Some of them do but its not to big of a deal we kinda laugh it off and then move on to scroll down the page and try to find the holiday pictures. Were still scrolling through random pictures when boom wild thumbnail from a movie I pirated comes up then bam another and another and then bam a naked woman fingering herself pops up and then a couple more and then a lot more. Dad closed the window and said he'll clean them up and I denied them being mine (they were from porn I downloaded a while back because my dad used to block the internet at nine o'clock and I needed some late night material) I then just sorta left the room and its kinda awkward between us now I think I'll try and keep a low profile for tomorrow and clean up my phone.
Sorry for the wall of text long story short my Dad wanted some family snaps from my phone and ended copying thumbnails from porn vids I had saved.
Safe say I'll be more careful in future.
Username__Irrelevant: > TIFU today
This is now a thing
LaDarkPhoenix: >RIP in peace
k
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1407067045 | 1407094525 | t3_2chvql | t5_2to41 | 146 | [deleted]: TIFU - And I found out my wife has a fetish.
This might get long, so bear with me.
Lets start with an intro: I thought about using a throwaway, but fuck it. This week has been a rough one, why stop now.
Mrs. Thor hasn't slept well at all for days, and hasn't drank in years. Last night, Mrs. Thor had a mighty drink that included Banana 99, Whipped Cream Vodka & Kahlua. She chased that with an Ambien and is now out cold.
I wish I could say the same.
I built a media server a couple of years ago and copied a couple of terabytes of data to it. Mostly movies, but.... well being a guy there was a chunk of porn to it. The server died a horrible death some time ago and I never got around to fixing it. I decided last night was a good time to try to fix it.
I figured out it was a dead processor, I found a newish I5 proc that was sitting in my drawer and BOOM the server was running again.
I watched a couple of episodes of Breaking Bad & Sons of Anarchy that I had stored away (Don't you dare ruin the ends of either).
Then I felt that tingle. You know the one. You've had a couple to drink, you're bored, and you're the only one awake.
I decided to dig into my porn vault that I haven't looked at in years.
I found my usual stuff and was happy. But then I dug deeper and found a folder called "Kink"
I didn't remember creating a folder called kink, so I figured I would check it out.
There was some normal stuff, some great stuff, there was some odd stuff and there was some really odd stuff. Now I know why I called it "Kink"
I found a video that involved a video of a tranny .... um, well doing another girl. I couldn't help myself but to watch. It isn't what I would consider my norm, but it wasn't bad. It was a chick with a dick fucking another chick. Then Mrs. Thor woke up. Except I didn't notice. At all.
She walked in and made a comment about my evening entertainment and sat down on the couch next to me and crashed out again.
I thought I was safe.
I flipped back to SoA and thought I was going to be in the clear. I was on the couch, she was out cold and there was brutal biker on biker drama.
Out of the blue, Mrs Thor woke up again and decided it was time to get fresh. I killed SoA because.... well this was much better.
We head back into the bedroom and Mrs Thor decided to break out a toy. Not exactly normal, but fuck it - I'm game to watch. Except it wasn't for her.
It turns out that I learned, while Mrs Thor was on Ambien, she has a fetish for something similar to what we were watching - which would be OK by me. Except she wanted to watch me get flattened by a ... well you can guess.
Fortunately, I was able to talk her into another drink. She had her drink, we had a smoke and she is now crashed back out. I sit here alone, confused and slightly curious.
I am able to walk normally for now, but when she wakes up - how do we cross this conversation? Tomorrow will be a new day, but its already almost six AM. Tomorrow is today. And now I regret downloading about 1/2 of ThePirateBay at once many years ago.
[deleted]: How'd you go so long without knowing about this fetish? I'd figure asking a girl if they had a crazy fetish before you marry them would come up at some point lol.
thorium007: It just never came up. "So, what do you think about watching chicks fucking other chicks" seems a bit specific.
Actually, it seems very specific.
[deleted]: No I meant in a general sense of pillow talk. Like sooo are you into anything kinky? etc. I don't know if I would want to ask her about experiences with it. Might be going down a....rabbit hole?
thorium007: There has been some kink over the years, but this one was kinda out of the blue. Or blew. I'm still trying to figure that out.
[deleted]: I'd probably ask myself. I don't think i could go without saying what the hell. Anyways best wishes keep us updated :D
thorium007: I plan on finding out more once she wakes up, but I doubt there will be much progress. If there is, I really doubt there will be any updates.
LazyTheSloth: I say give it a go. Could be fun and if it's not never do it again.
| 8 | 18.25 | |
1407063823 | 1407085098 | t3_2chszs | t5_2to41 | 18 | Snakestream7: TIFU by keeping my window down while waiting in the drive-thru.
This, unlike most TIFUs actually happened just a few hours ago. I'm just writing this before i go to bed because i feel some will find it entertaining. Also this is my first post ever so i hope you all enjoy.
I was on my way to my lovely Checkers at around 12am, just getting off of work pretty damn tired and agitated by how the day went. The typical busy Saturday night at a popular local restaurant AND the fact that my mom said she was going to cook but decided to tell me just to get us some burgers so i thought whatever and did. Not that I'm spoiled; i had just been thinking about the roast she was going to make the whole eight hours i was at work.
So i get to checkers, not even all that hungry anymore, but she was so i got her a burger and myself just a medium order of fries and a drink. I begin to pull up and wait behind the other person in the line. I had this odd feeling of "hey, roll up the window." but i disregarded it because it had never been a problem before.
So I'm just waiting patiently, when a very, very unexpected and unwanted visitor lands on my arm. Now let's get this straight, I'm not terrified of bugs or anything, in fact i hardly care if they are near me but when those fuckers decide to crawl on me when I'm not expecting it I. Lose. My. Shit. So this visitor, is a tree roach. Palmetto bug, American roach, whatever you decide to call it. Ya know, the ones that fly. I instantly jump and it proceeds to terrorize me for a couple of seconds then flies to the back seat when my old dog i had decided to bring for a ride is probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. So already you see the predicament i am in. Its dark, there is roach in my car, and i hate when bugs crawl on me. So after this happens, the car in front of me finally gets his food so i pull up. This is where the fun begins.
I pull up, the tired looking worker tells me my total and i hand over the cash. Then i try to find some exact change, so she closes the window while she waits. So while im looking for my change, guess what happens. That little fucker joins me again, or so i thought it was him. This time up my leg. I immediately stomp my foot to knock him off. The probably the most terrifying sight i have ever experienced inside my own vehicle appears. It flies up towards my face then towards the passenger door side which draws my attention to there. On my door. Inside of the car. Are between 4-7 more fucking roaches (could not get an exact value due to them scattering when i did look that way). My immediate reaction is to open my door and jump the fuck out, but guess what, I'm next to the drive through and slam my door into the bricks underneath the window. I motion to the cashier I'm going to drive around and she looks, along with 3 of her coworkers, as if they had seen a ghost. THEY FUCKING KNEW AND DIDNT TELL ME SHIT. So as i drive around i see them sneak into ever crevice and cranny they can find in the vehicle. So while Ive finally managed to get out the car, I manage to kill two of them at least before they sneak off. It is like a war zone in my car and my dog is just staring at me like im going fucking crazy.
About 2 minutes after i drive around and am standing outside of the car looking for more my food comes out, they decided they were going to compensate the $00.39 i owed them due to my troubles. Thanks. Really, I don't want to go back into that death trap, thanks. But wait, I still have to drive home. In the dark. For about 15 minutes. With these terrifying hell-spawn of roaches.
On the way home I am in almost full out panic attack. I know they cant hurt me but its just the feeling of something crawling on me when i cannot see it. The whole way home i jump at the slightest of brushes on any part of my body. Im gripping the steering wheel about 10 times as hard as normal and going about 80-90 in a 55.
So when i get home i jump out immediately take my mother the food and grab our roach spray which so happens to let out a pretty much jet stream of holy-powered-roach-killer. Crack my door, and spray, and spray, and spray; until i can barely see my steering wheel through my window because there is so much of the death smoke in my car.
Now. All i must do is wait. Still in panic mode i jump at slight brushes or the psychological feeling of a roach crawling on me. I'm pretty much way too spooked to even go to sleep. Knowing that i have to drive it tomorrow and they could have multiplied somewhere in there. Laid they're eggs or created a nest. I'm fucking terrified.
tl;dr - Waiting in drive thru. Between 4 and 8 tree roaches find their way into my car through my open window. Have to drive home with them hiding and crawling on me as I FLIP FUCKING SHIT.
JustJillian: Let me sympathize.
I am terrified of spiders. Big small, hairy, bald. I am fucking **terrified** I do not like spiders. In fact, I'm more than happy about the fact that my fiance can handle those mother fuckers super easy.
I was driving to work the other day, minding my own business, nbd nbd. Just driving along, then all of a sudden this huge fucking spider lands on my driver side window, I don't know where it came from as I was in the city when it appeared (But i live in the country?) I've been afraid to approach my car ever since, the night after it happened I even went 85 down the high way in an effort to just feel like "I went so fast there's no way it could have held on!" but in reality?
I'm fucking terrified.
edit: AW YEE ITS MY CAKE DAY :D
Snakestream7: I think the thing that amplified my fear was the fact that i couldnt see them the whole time i was driving. That pretty much made me shit. lol. And happy cake day friend :)
JustJillian: Well, it's hard to accurately describe what happened so I'll try to tho.
The spider landed on the side of my car on my drivers window, then I stopped at a red light and it skittered across the roof of my car to the passenger side, then it huddled in the corner between the side mirror and the door, where there's no wind. I started messing with the window in an effort to get it off the car (Because fuck that.) Whenever it would move I would close the window back up, eventually it crawled down my passenger door. I have no idea where the fuck it went, if it fell off, or if it stayed on my car to torment me, or if it just left my car alone when I got to work.
I don't like touching my car.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1407069149 | 1407115811 | t3_2chxpb | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting in class
This goes back a few years, to Senior School (a private High School for my American cousins).
The other kids had (as usual) been ripping on the inexperienced teacher all class; giving her a real ragging. Co-ordinated shouting was the main torture device (when the second hand on the class clock at the front reached twenty seconds, the whole class would yell "cucumber" or some such random word). Being a goodie-goodie swot, I was one of the few not partaking in the festivities.
One kid (let's call him Shelly, because he had about as much class as a seventeenth century poet wandering around Europe smoking opium and trying to catch syphilis) was doing solo things as well, for the extra kid-karma.
About half way through class, I felt the familiar sensation of the initial brewing process A warm, bubbly sensation, with some internal shifting. This was going to happen, and it was going to happen in the next few moments: that much was immediately clear.
It was then that the teacher finally lost her temper, and embarked upon a most impressive diatribe against the class as a whole and Shelly in particular. The upbraiding he received was destined to go down in history; but not, perhaps, for the reasons that the teacher intended.
As she continued her (very laudable) soliloquy, my lower digestive tract started to signal that the time - and other things - was ripe. The fruit was ready to be plucked; and would fall from the tree if not carefully harvested.
But now, clearly, was not the time to unleash the beast. I squirmed slightly.
Her rant continued, while the pressure gauges inside me started to move past the red and into hitherto unknown territory.
"Please," I begged in my mind, "please finish soon."
Alas, she did. She tied up the loose ends, and issued her final, spectacular sentence as her volume reached a magnificent crescendo of the sort normally only found in a Wagner epic as the valkyries become even more over-excited than normal:
> AND WHAT, SHELLY, DO YOU SAY TO **THAT**?
Silence fell upon the classroom for the first time during the lesson. During this calm before the storm, my internal pressure gauges politely declared that all my frantic clenching was to be in vain. The break-out was imminent.
That's when I made my first, only, and utterly fatal mistake.
My prior experience in Discrete Gas Shipping Services had mainly utilised soft sofas (couches) as the delivery mechanism. So as I squeezed my posterior firmly down onto the hard, ungiving, plastic chair on which I perched, I remained blissfully unaware that such a surface does not act as a muffler in the same way as gentle cushions do. A hard surface, in fact, acts as an amplifier.
Finally, my sphinctal defences were breached, and the frankly magnificent ripple which subsequently echoed through the classroom perhaps stunned my fellow pupils even more than the climax of the teacher's tirade which had ended mere moments before.
In my mind's eye, I saw hair billowing away from faces in the blast radius. It seemed to last longer than any such emission I had encountered before. Time seemed to slow as the noxious fumes finally marched, victorious, to freedom.
At last, it was over. Silence, once more, briefly enveloped the scene of the crime, as the astonished witnesses stared, flabbergasted, at the source of the thunderous discharge.
It did not last. A tsunami of uncontrollable laughter crashed against the quiet peacefulness, overwhelming it completely.
The teacher, her sublime rhetoric destroyed by my weapon of ass destruction, seemed to be shell-shocked. Almost frozen in time, her mouth hanging loosely open (a bad move, I felt, given the circumstances), she stared at me - or maybe through me, into the lower echelons of her very own, very special Hell.
After that, events were rather anti-climactic. The action was mainly over, the explosions had faded into the memory of the audience, and it was time to wrap things up, plot-wise.
A single trembling finger was raised in my direction.
"Out," came the simple command, issued with all of her remaining, somewhat tattered, authority. But she, I, and the rest of the class knew that my biological processes had finished their comprehensive annihilation (or perhaps "analihilation" would be a better word) of any respect and dignity which she had carefully spent the last few minutes attempting to rebuild.
I spent the remainder of the lesson huddled outside the door, terrified that a roaming teacher or - worse - headmaster ("principle" for my American cousins) would stumble past, and enquire as to precisely why I had been removed from the class. I would have had to reveal that I had been expelled for my expulsion.
No further punishment was forthcoming; I think perhaps, on reflection, that my teacher had the same problem which had plagued me during my exile: how could she possibly explain what I was being punished for without collapsing in hysterics (either the good or the bad kind)?
While the incident has not significantly affected me, I do sometimes feel a creeping guilt that I may have added to the trauma which she was clearly already suffering. It is my fervent hope that I did not significantly hinder her career with my "Declaration of Inde-poo-dence".
Pablo_expat: *clap hands*
DaWizuhrd: http://i.imgur.com/RWpjiRD.png
| 3 | 22.666667 | |
1407070962 | 1407198541 | t3_2chziz | t5_2to41 | 339 | PM-Your_Tetas: TIFU by being culturally insensitive to an entire city.
Today was Sunday, August 3rd, and two of my friends and I (we're all Americans from the local military base) decided to go to Hiroshima to buy some electronics and camping supplies. We drive 45 minutes there, park and start walking to the stores. After a couple of blocks, we see a few local Japanese men wearing man purses. Being the typical American that I am, I poke some fun at them by grabbing my female friend's purse, tossing it over my shoulder and making a couple exaggerated movements like I'm walking a catwalk. My friends giggle, it was all in good fun.
This is where I fucked up. See, America dropped the Atomic bomb on Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945. Being Sunday a good chunk of people pay their respects today. I had walked the catwalk right onto a platform where people were laying flowers and saying prayers. I stop in my tracks. There are a wave of eyes staring at me with what I can only imagine to be hate or pity.
I have never been so embarrassed in my life. I took the purse off my shoulder, and walked as fast as I could out of there. The feeling of guilt is incredible. There are still plenty of victims alive today and I'm sure some where there praying. Today I reinforced a stereotype that Americans are loud, annoying, and don't give a fuck about your culture when that couldn't be further from the truth for me normally.
TL:DR Pretended to be a model in front of hundreds of atom bomb victims.
Edit: Only had my entire comment history downvoted twice! I'm the reason the world sucks! You all sound like you're incredibly fun to hang out with. Didn't know so many people on this subreddit can walk on water.
Final edit: I'm sorry if I offended anyone again. I still feel terrible about the whole situation and was coming to tifu for some comforting words. A lot of you calling me culturally insensitive need to realize I've spend majority of my life in Asia and Africa. I've only spent 8 years in America, so I'm more Asian than you. Think back in your past. If you can't name one time you haven't offended anyone or done something dumb to impress your friends, then you may cast your stone. Otherwise please refrain from calling people you do not know various insults and stop PMing me death threats.
SqueezyCheesyPeas: Believe me, it wasn't pity.
tellevee: The people in Hiroshima aren't hateful, either. If you ever visit, you'll notice that the people and the culture there is very peace-minded.
JuleTS: They got rid of their military because they think violence is evil.
Spelling
[deleted]: I thought they weren't allowed a military after Pearl Harbor.
JuleTS: They rewrote their constitution, 1947 stating that they arent allowed to settle international problems with violence, and only have a self-defence force.
MiddleNI: Every army is a self-defense force, until you discover "ethnic X(country)" living in X place. They are defending what they are told is rightfully part of their country. Sometimes attack is the best "defensive" strategy, because there are no more people to attack you after you successfully attack them.
JuleTS: re-read what i wrote but I'll **emphasize** again "[not] settle international problems with violence"
EDIT: self-defense defense is different then defense. Self-defense would be bringing down missile that attack you. defense would be destroying the place that sent them.
tsengan: They've been reinterpreting that ever since and a few weeks ago pretty much dropped that whole concept. Japan is now establishing a potentially offensive force.
OP: dude. Duude so not cool. Truly a TIFU. I hope noone complained to the base?
JuleTS: still mass protests against it
tsengan: Of course. It's a very big constitutional and perception change.
Plus not being facetious but are there big changes by a modern government that don't invite mass protest these days?
I'm not sure if it's the right path but I applaud the conviction to make the change.
JuleTS: well they want a military because they are afraid of China. not really an expert however if they don't provoke anything I'm fine with having a bigger military that is proportionate to the protection people in the area need.
| 12 | 28.25 | |
1407074358 | 1407183853 | t3_2ci38v | t5_2to41 | 117 | [deleted]: TIFU by flashing my father my boobs
This was last month, and still haunts me.
I was staying at my father's house right before my birthday. Whenever I let him do something for my birthday it sort of becomes "his" birthday and drags along his wife and other kids for some big trip. Anyway...
He's a special kind of mental case douchebag, and I was getting pissed that he didn't take my back pain seriously. I'm in his kitchen starting to get mad because he's shrugging me off, telling me I am a hypochondriac and whatnot. Now, this is after years in my childhood battling severe depression and such while this asshole complained I simply was an idiot who chose to feel bad all that time. No such thing as depression unless you're insane, he says. Really fucked me up back in the day.
Well, I accidentally got back at him. He kept saying there was nothing wrong with my muscles, I was exaggerating. So, I say, "I have an imbalance problem where *this* side is always compensating for *that* side because I supinate on *that* foot, so the muscles look different."
He rolls his eyes and jokes some more, so I say, "Fine, look, this is serious,"
Lift up my shirt to show him how one side of me is more muscular than the other, which is flat and flab.... For a split second I hesitate and have that little voice say, "Wait..."
... Then lift up my shirt all the way, forgetting I was not wearing any undershirt or bra until that exact moment. Yes, I'm a 28DD just like my mother was ([which means 4.5in of breast tissue, it ain't that big... link nsfw because boobs....](http://thatbradoesnotfither.com/image/45948053995)) and the girls went floppin' into sight.
My father was caught completely off guard and did some gag/squint/duck maneuver to break the stare with my nips. Initially looked like he wanted to gouge his eyes out. Probably the most confused boner he ever had. Would
not stop joking about it all month, which makes me think he was more embarrassed than I was... I'm firstly mortified that I flashed my adult tits at my old man, secondly that he actually said, "Oh God they look like what your mom's used to be", thirdly that he jokes about it and seems confusedly attracted to my tatas.
**Tl;dr: My breasts are youthful replicas of my mother's with the same power. Happy "birthday", dad.**
Edit: So there's some fuss about how I relate to my family. To be concise, my father and mother have personality disorders that are related to psychopathy. My father actually tries to be a better person sometimes but cannot do so while in a toxic relationship with my mother, who is completely self-centered and out for drama, she is a narcissist and for a long time other people considered her my stepmother and the kids much younger than me my stepsiblings. To talk about them like they are blood relatives would imply we have some kind of normal relationship. We don't. My father was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me and my older sibling (the one who is now on her own and happy) since we were babies. No matter how you want to look at this, I do have a right to talk about him and my mother how I feel I should. It doesn't make the physical or psychological scars go away, but it helps me keep my sanity independent of them. I haven't left the state left and still have to interact with them like a war treaty in order to avoid the harsh drama they will no doubt stir up if I don't fall into their good graces, just as they did when my sister left. I doubt any of you would talk so lightly of such people if you too were neglected and beaten as a child, denied treatment, severely isolated, and later threatened with disownment when you finally did get help for yourself. If you have a Borderline or Narcissistic parent, or one that beat you until you vomited and then forced you to clean the vomit while still being beaten, then feel free to tell me how I should handle them. I personally think I treat them damn well for all they've done and what they truly are.
Kosentekina: I wouldn't visit my dad if he was an asshole like that. My sanity and his physical well being are too important for me to hang around.
HeelsDownEyesUp: Agreed. I need to move out of state. He actually isn't as bad as my mother, who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder... she technically "ruined" him and manipulates him. I have no hope for a real relationship with him as long as he is with my mother and/or still married to her.
Kosentekina: That's one reason I went away for college. I'm only 2 1/2 hours from home, but it is enough of an inconvenience that they don't come to visit.
HeelsDownEyesUp: My sister tried that. They constantly try to contact her and spread exaggerated rumors in the family, alienating her and badmouthing her to anyone who will listen. They make her out to be some kind of lying/cheating idiotic harlot. In reality she's just building her life as an adult, networks with other people quite well, and now has a steady relationship with one of my childhood friends. She's doing so much better on her own, sadly had to break ties with many family members and family friends because of the slander.
Kosentekina: My family is of the religious type, (pretty close to being insane) and I don't want to know what would happen if I came out as bi to them. But frankly, it's my life and I am going to live it my way. I may make a few mistakes, but I learn from them and move on. You can't save the world if you don't save yourself first. Take care of yourself, and when you are mentally ready you can deal with the relatives.
Remember that relatives are hereditary, but family is chosen.
HeelsDownEyesUp: My family, too, is of the *fanatic* religious type, but of a traditional sort of way used solely for the purpose of their own desires. They used God and scripture as an excuse/justification for their abuses, and surprisingly I turned out a religious person. Not anything like them, though. They were strict Catholic, and I just recently came out as a classical theist to them. They refuse to believe I am a classical theist.... even though it is my decision... I'm simply a "stupid Christian" to them.
Kosentekina: I shifted from Christian to Unitarian-Universalist to Pagan and finally settled into what I call "Spiritual, but not religious." My dad and I have pretty much agreed to disagree and not call what each other believes a cult. It sounds like my parents are more rational than yours though. Good luck!
| 8 | 14.625 | |
1407076011 | 1407104569 | t3_2ci52h | t5_2to41 | 660 | iliketobeslapped: TIFU by asking my boyfriend to slap me (NSFW)
Last night when my boyfriend and I got home after a wonderful dinner I was feeling horny. We were both full and we'd been drinking, but I wanted him. After we slipped in bed together, naked as usual, I started playing. As we talked and joked, I rubbed his legs and caressed his penis and balls. Sure enough, he rose to the occasion.
I love giving blowjobs. Seriously love it. Often I can cum just from giving him one. It is so exciting and satisfying to me. I decided that would be the best way to get my fix and get us both off, so I kissed my way down there.
After a bit longer than it normally takes, I started going in for the big finale. I had both hands working, one playing with his balls and the other stroking and swirling up and down his shaft with my mouth. My tongue was flicking and my lips were rotating around his sensitive head. My rhythm was steady and I had my pace right where he usually likes it. He was moaning, but I could tell it might not happen because of the alcohol.
He ran his fingers through my hair, grabbed hold, pulled me up, threw me on my back, and started fucking me. It was fantastic, and I started cumming almost right away. A few minutes into things I could tell that it still wasn't happening for him, though.
I decided to take it up another level. I talked dirty to him, then asked him to slap me. It's something I really enjoy because I like rough sex. We don't indulge in face slapping that much, but when we do it's very hot for both of us. The first slap put me on the edge of cumming again. By the second and third we were both really getting into it. After the fourth I was seeing stars and we both came. Hard.
Afterwards we snuggled up and fell asleep holding hands. We woke up this morning, he rolled over, and said "holy shit" when he looked at my face. There is a huge bruise on my right side that covers half of my lower face. My jaw is also sore when I yawn or chew. There isn't a hand print, but it certainly looks like I've been hit.
The worst part is that there's a big family event today. Everyone will be there: parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Even with makeup and my hair down I don't think I'll be able to hide this. It looks like I've got to call out sick and miss the gathering. I have no idea what I'm going to do about work tomorrow.
TL;DR: I asked my boyfriend to slap me during sex, and this morning I'm sporting giant bruises and will have to miss a family event.
Edit: I was able to cover it up pretty well. Totally worth it.
SherwynS: Sounds like a win OP. Good on you!
iliketobeslapped: It is a win in the sense that I've been aching for some rough sex lately. I'm playing with makeup to try to cover it so I don't have to miss the party. Thankfully my hair hits at my jawline so with enough coverup it might be passable. I bruise really easily, though, and I have super fair skin.
XoxoJulieAnn: You need to find a good green primer/concealer for a base. It should help cover the redness. That's what it appears to be in the picture. Then put your foundation on top of it.
If it's not red any longer.... Here are the bases you should use.
Blue Bruise = Yellow Base
Brown Bruise = White Base
Purple Bruise = Yellow Base
That should help hide it!
iliketobeslapped: Thanks!
XoxoJulieAnn: Make sure to ice for 30 minutes in the area you bruised it to cut off the blood flow to it. This will stop the bruise from spreading!
iliketobeslapped: Great advice. Does it matter when I do it, though? It happened last night, so if I ice it now will it make a difference?
XoxoJulieAnn: I'd ice it just to be safe.
| 8 | 82.5 | |
1407075661 | 1407142051 | t3_2ci4ps | t5_2to41 | 7 | Aibgreine: TIFU by not cleaning/checking my bag.
Well this happened this morning so lets get into it. (This is my first ever Reddit post btw)
**So a bit of background:**
Me and my girlfriend having been going out for about 10 months almost 11 and we still haven't had sex yet, It doesn't really bother me as I'm still a virgin but the tensions have been getting high so when my parents left us alone for 4 hours last night and well.... horny teenagers are gonna be horny teenagers. Anyway she brought some condoms over just so that no accidents happened (I'd like to point out that we are both of legal age in our country) and one thing lead to another until we got to the point where we couldnt resist it anymore.
Now I had never put on a condom before so she volunteered to do it but we ran into a difficulty, they didn't fit as in they were too small for me so our plans were ruined and we continued to finish each other off and went on our merry way. (absolutely not a fuck up)
**The actualy fuckup:**
So when the condoms didn't fit my girlfriend decided to put them in the side pockets of my bag and neglected to tell me.... this is the same bag I use for school. So I went to school this morning and ever since some kids did some drug dealing we have to get our bags checked, never really bothered me so I just walked up to my form teacher and handed her my bag, she went through all my main pockets and everything was clear she questioned me about some pain medication I was on but I told her that I needed them and Im a pretty trustworthy person so she didn't really ask any further. The fuck up was nearly dodged at this point without me even knowing there was a fuck up to be dodged as she almost didn't check the side pockets. However ut was not to be, she called me back as she must not of seen them, so yet again I go back and hand her my bag, She unzipped the first pocket and nothing was there and then came the fateful sound of the second side pocket being opened.
The look on her face just dropped and I started wondering what the fuck was going on. She pulled me aside and said why the hell were there opened condoms in my bag?!?!?! It took awhile for me to actually remember what could of happened and then I just thought well fuck this is going to be fun. I didn't even know what to say to her I jsut said I'll see her at the principals office tomorrow. So that whole day everyone thought I tried having sex with someone at school or had a weird fettish or something plus all my teachers just acted like I was invisible.
What a day, the worst part is I didn't even get laid.
So yeah I have absolutely no idea what to say or do tomorrow. Thought that everyone could laugh at me for this, I'll post updates when I can. Have fun Reddit, I fucked up
fullmarksdemello: What is a condom that is too small for you? Like.. It won't fit over the head? Or it only covers 40% of your dick? Or 80% of your dick?
Aibgreine: as in it wasnt really covering it all so not really doing its job going with th 40%
LIM3JUIC3: Were they from planned parenthood? Those things fucking suck.
Aibgreine: No clue where she got them but they felt very uhm I guess hard?
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407075843 | 1407078967 | t3_2ci4wn | t5_2to41 | -1 | coooooooookie: TIFU by molesting my boss...
Last week there was a barbeque of our department.
It all went well until my boss sat opposite to me and we talked about work and stuff. Well, sitting next to him there was my coworker.
And i have to mention, we sometimes do some stupid stuff for example we kind of "molest" each other under the table of the cafeteria with our feet. Not for some sexual purpose or so but just because of fun.
And after a few seconds or minutes i noticed someone's foot under the table touching mine.
Of course I thought it was my coworker and he wanted to make some fun of me or make some stupid face, whatever... and yeah you can see where this is going.
so i kind of "molested" back (i don't know whats the right word :D) and later on i found out it was not my coworker....
Now there comes the creepy part. My boss didnt say anything or do anything (like some normal person would have done). I saw him a few times this week but everything went as usual.
I'll have to work with him some more years at least and i dont know (or i dont wanna know) what the fuck he was thinking or is thinking or whatever.
I hope i havent fucked up my career just by doing some stupid stuff..
tl;dr:
mistook my boss for my coworker, molested him, boss didnt say anything.
Emjeff: You need to grow up. There is no place for this kind of nonsense in the workplace. Please be more careful.
coooooooookie: yeah true.. i'll learn from it. but i hope i havent fucked up already
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1407078852 | 1407186680 | t3_2ci8cr | t5_2to41 | 5 | YaBoyGod: TIFU by making myself pass out
This was 2 days ago, but close enough.
So you've all probably heard about this trick to make you pass out. You sit down, breathe heavy, then quickly stand up and try to press air out, without actually letting any escape.
I've done it once before, with success, but with a friend.
So that day, I had been having pretty low blood pressure, and about 2-3 times when I had stood up from my chair, I had started getting that feeling of almost passing out. I kinda like the feelig (don't know why) so I decided that I'd make it myself, and then sit right back down into my chair when I started feeling wierd. Of course that was not what was going to happen.
So I start breathing in and out, and after a little while, I stand up, and push the air (Don't really know how to explain this better). I stand with my back against the chair, so I can easily sit down again. I do this for 2-3 seconds but don't feel anything.
Next thing I know, I feel like I'm dreaming that I'm sitting on the floor of my room. It feels like there are a thousand dwarves under my skin, trying to throw decent sized rocks (Think the size when you put your index finger and thumb together in a circle) out of my skin. I get really confused and scared, with kinda the same feeling you get in a nightmare when nothing really scary is going on, but the atmosphere is really scary. I am about to call for someone, when I realize; I am on my bedroom floor. Then I start remembering what I'd done, and I quickly get up on my feet. After the initial feeling goes over, I notice the back of my head is hurting a bit (probably fell on the chair), but not to the point where it is hurting enough to have it checked out. I spend the next 3 minutes confused, wondering if that really happened or not.
**TL;DR:** Was going to make myself almost pass out, passed out by accident and hit my head against my chia
Weertinz: Drugs r bad mkay? Don't do drugs, its a bad thing to do, mkay? So don't be bad, mkay, by doin drugs.....drugs r bad
n_w_o: DRUGS is a broad term, mkay? Not every nation shares the US's propagandist view. Aspirin can kill you, mkay? Be informed-know the source-grow up and learn yourself mkay? Low dose heroin, mdma, cocaine, alcohol, cannabis, ketamine, LSD, etc are all safer than losing oxygen to your brain-facts mkay? Even Mr. Mackey gets high mkay?
uDeveli: New world order.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407080061 | 1407086369 | t3_2ci9wx | t5_2to41 | 9 | swingandmiss123: TIFU and i don't know if i can recover from this cock-tastrophe
i'm a decent looking dude. i've got a great job that impresses everyone from 4 year old girls to great grammas. I treat others well so i'm well liked by my coworkers.
there's this one girl at work...
blonde, toned, fit, curvy, tanned, fantastic breasts, perfect ass, good personality too. we've been discreetly flirting at work and texting for a while. Never seemed to go past the suggestion that she's interested, so every once in a while i'd give myself a reality check, read through our texts and think to myself, "swingandmiss12, you're delusional. this is nothing more than friendly banter. she's not interested. stop chasing her."
One day, after a long frustrating evening at work, i was walking to my car and thought, "fuck it." i texted her and invited myself over. she answered the door in her pyjamas - tight tank top and little white cotton shorts. we did nothing but kiss on her doorstep for what could have been hours. if i get dementia i want this to be one of my last memories. it's the kind of kiss that justifies life. you can ask, "why are we here?" and i can answer you, "to experience that kiss."
the days that followed were... interesting. i oscillated from thinking she made a mistake to we've got an insanely deep connection. I was pretty confused. what's going on? why is this gorgeous girl interested? it seemed to always be me that always asked to see her. never got any texts like "come over" or "i need to see you" i really have no idea what she's thinking of all this.
well, it turns out she's seeing a guy and isn't sure about the relationship.
ok. well i don't know if i want a relationship with her, so i can't have her leave this guy for what could be just a summer fling. but shes' really hot so i continue to steal some time here and there to kiss her and fool around, which i'm enjoying thoroughly, except for the nagging thought that i shouldn't be with a girl this beautiful.
last week, we're talking about our weekend plans (i would be working, i was just trying to figure out when i could find time to see her), and she's off to a music festival thursday to tomorrow. too long to not see her so i invite myself over for a morning romp.
i arrive to her place at 7:15, text her "hello" and wait.
my stomach is in knots.
7:18 - "morning"
wooooohooooo!!!!!!!
i go to her door, we waste no time and go upstairs (again i suggest it). we lie down, i'm holding her, kisssing her, feeling her insanely great body. not much response from her.
i'm pressing what i hope is my impressive erection into her low back, sort of like a figurehead on the santa maria discovering a new world (no inbox flooding about how the native americans were already there, or the vikings, or the chinese, or fucking aliens).
then, i hear her cat coming up the stairs, and i think oh fuck maybe it's that guy shes seeing, but no it's her cat.
and my figurehead, well, it droops into the atlantic. so to speak.
i go down on her (wow this is a perfect body let me tell you), no response from her, or me. i come back up for some kissing and finger play. less response. she's drying up. and now i'm late for work. i dress myself, she walks me down, and i leave.
we exchange some texts, from her it's mostly don't worry about it, then we've been going about this wrong, it's not satisfying us, i need romance. from me it's sorry about that, lol your cat made me think we're going to get walked in on.
she's off to the festival, poor cell reception there, very limited contact since. mostly light stuff.
i may get another chance, but i'll probably be so stressed that nothing will work. so what do i do to first of all recover from that and second of all minimize my chance of that cock-tastrophe?
although mostly i'm just ranting. i guess i could have posted this on TIFU without the question, but i'd love some feedback.
tl;dr: doesn't matter, didn't have sex
humptydance69: As soon as you found out that she is with someone else, that was the time to stop.
DarkComedian: .....That's just a turn on for some of us.
humptydance69: I have some turn-ons that are wrong too. I stop short of engaging in them.
DarkComedian: See.... I can't see a turn on as being inherently "wrong", usually. I can get what you mean, but I don't think it's fair to just say that a turn on is some how morally incorrect. At least not that one.
swingandmiss123: i'm just morally ambiguous. the girl is a turn on.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1407080343 | 1407111131 | t3_2cia8o | t5_2to41 | 106 | hellboyfanboy: TIFUpdate: TIFU by falling 33ft out of a tree while trying to impress a girl I was on a first date with.
Here is the link to the original text: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cffrh/tifu_by_falling_33ft_out_of_a_tree_while_trying/
First and foremost thank you to all those who wished me a speedy recovery. Its been a very difficult past few days. I guess I should update my medical status first because I'm sure you're all most interested in my back.
So I have a partial break in my T5, and a fracture of my T4, and the plate in between both vertebrae is fracture. I have partial nerve damage in both legs and multiple broken toes and ligament damage in my neck. All in all lucky to be alive.
As for my current situation with the woman I tried to impress. It turns out she left her number for me at the Emergency Room front desk after she had dropped me off. I gave it a call this morning to ask her how she was doing, and to apologize for being such a complete fucking idiot. I'm not lying to you when I say this was her exact response to my apology: "You don't need to apologize, I've had men fall for me before, but i've never had one fall so fast, and so hard..."
As soon as she said that I immediately felt so much better. Not sure if they had upped my morphine or I just had a rush of serotonin or something, but I immediately felt like the luckiest man alive. Anyways. I've asked her to pick me up when I get discharged because my car is still at her home, and I took some of your advice in suggesting we grab a coffee and leave the heights to the professionals. She admitted she was very scared, and didn't know exactly what to think, but she said she felt bad for not staying with me. I'm staying optimistic about this whole situation, and hopefully once I'm discharged I'll see where this goes.
DTorakhan: Left her number. Made cheesy joke when you tried to apologize. She's into you, man. Go for it once you get discharged. Best of luck.
brberg: Chicks dig underdeveloped senses of self-preservation.
Austin_LeBlanc: This.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1407082101 | 1407100699 | t3_2cichy | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by underestimating the power of gravity
So in advance I would like to apologise of any spelling, grammatical or format errors since I'm typing this on my phone for reasons I will share shortly.
Today, I arrived back at university after spending the weekend back home with the folks. Anyway, I have my laptop open on my desk, my phone next to it, and I'm packing my big ass motherfucking school books back on to my shelf - which sits directly above my desk (see where this is going?).
At this point I should tell you about the eclectic collection of tacky shit and memorabilia I have on my shelf. Besides my books, I also have a tiny four inch tall granite Buddha statue (the fat one), a ceramic Salvador Dali elephant I bought in Barcelona and halve a dozen empty bottles of exotic beers which I kept.
Back to me and my books.
So as I'm packing and reorganising my shelf, one of my dick books decides it would be an absolutely faboulous idea to slide off, taking everything crashing down along with it.
I look down at the ruin the was, at one point, my desk. The little granite buddha is comfortably nestled inside my S3's screen, smiling deviously at me. Fucking asshole. At this point I'm pissed. Even though I can live with a cracked screen, I wasn't about to let this fact stop me from going ape shit.
Eventually I calm down and decide that then would be a good a time as any to google "S3 screen replacement cost". I clear the books and bottles off of my laptop and open my browser. Tik tik tik tik tik tik tik.
Its the FUCKING harddrive. My heaviest book clocked my brand spanking new laptop dead on the harddisk with it's entire weight and totalled it. I'm livid. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or murder my enrire apartment block.
Luckily for my neighbours I discovered r/tifu (and reddit) a couple of weeks ago and promised myself, the day I have a tifu worthy fuck up , you guys will be the first to know. So here I am.
Fuck my life.
P.s. as I'm typing this little pieces of glass are cutting my into thumbs. Yay!
TL:DR - Tifu'd by knocking the entire content of my shelf on to my now cracked screen phone and dead laptop.
Edit: I'm a shitty story teller. See I bring up the SD elephant and completely forget about it. Anyway, to add insult to injury, it broke in half. So the body count: One Samsung Galaxy S3, one Mecer Somethinh-Something Notebook and one ceramic Salvador Dali themed elephant. And of course my bloody thumbs.
Veboy: > P.s. as I'm typing this little pieces of glass are cutting my thumbs. Yay!
pfft. you're rookie. I have both my hands amputated and using a cracked screen. I type with my dick bitch.
>"S3 screen replacement cost"
However happy you are with your smartphone, maybe this is a message from God [ or Buddha, in your case ] to replace it.
>I don't know whether to laugh or cry or murder my enrire apartment block.
Pledge a revolution dude.
> one of my dick books
The book was *nice enough* to not fall on your head and crush your skull to death. Stop being mean.
[deleted]: >>one of my dick books
>The book was nice enough to not fall on your head and crush your skull to death. Stop being mean.
Nono, he meant a book *of* dicks, not that the book was a dick (although there is a chance it could have been shaped like one).
[deleted]: Nope. my dick shaped book of dicks is way to big to fit on my shelf. Massive actually. I keep it in an entire rented lockup and it stil only fits barely.
[deleted]: I hear you can have a custom-built dick-shaped box made for you dick-shaped book of dicks. They'll even put a dick-shaped knob on it for you to open the lid.
| 5 | 3 | |
1407082912 | 1407178291 | t3_2cidnh | t5_2to41 | 12 | Mirantula: TIFU by trying to help a friend walk home from the bar
Went bar hopping with four of my best girlfriends last night, two of whom insist on wearing their heels every weekend. I like to do things like dance and walk where ever and whenever I want so I don't do that shit. It's two am this morning and as we're walking the 4 blocks to get from the last bar to our house I notice what we like to call the 'stank walk'. The stank walk is what you see late at night when girls can barely put one foot in front of the other, not because they're drunk, but because their feet hurt in those damn 6 inch stilettos. I offer to switch shoes with her so she can be more comfortable and we can get home faster, after all she's been wearing them all night so I can handle ten minutes in them. She declines, worried that her size 9 feet wont fit in my size 7.5 boots. After one block we stop at another bar and sit down for a minute to say hello to a friend. When we get up to leave she wont get up. "Ok Miranda I'll take those shoes now." I pull off my grunge inspired lace up boots and pass them to her.. "Oooo arch support!" She coos. Then I slip my purple sock clad feet into some sexy, glittery, gold strappy stilettos. I think to myself that I will remind these girls that I too can walk the walk in sexy heels, I just choose not to because I'm smarter. So I take off down the street in her heels doing my best catwalk strut. Same as every weekend dudes are stumbling out of the bars hollering at us as we make the next 3 blocks back to the house and giggle about how funny we each look in the other's shoes. By the time we are only a few houses away I start to feel the pain. Now I can't believe how this wonder woman made it all night when I can't even walk 3 blocks without a little stank in my step. We get into the house and I give her shoes back to her, but something is very wrong. Now I can't even put my foot on the floor without feeling searing pain. I hobble to my room and take my socks off to investigate... That's when I see the biggest blister I've ever seen in my life, already broken and wet, right under my poor sweet toes. Now it's noon and I'm stuck in bed unable to walk anywhere. Couldn't even drive if I limped to my car because the monster blister is on my clutch foot.. That'll be the last time I offer to switch shoes with a friend on the walk home!
http://i.imgur.com/TPKsqhE.jpg
chaingripped: damn, thats one hell of a blister for a short time in those shoes...
Mirantula: I know I couldn't believe it when I saw it. Must've been a combination of the socks and the size difference...
smokinporch: Yeah the size difference Def was the kicker here god daymm.
That things juicy! !
| 4 | 3 | |
1407083819 | 1407089287 | t3_2ciexa | t5_2to41 | 25 | ke7ofi: TIFU parsing “cranberry”.
On being asked if I’d prefer cranberry, cran-raspberry, cran-pomegranate, or some other sort of juice, I answered that I’d like cran-cranberry juice. The ensuing ambiguity blotted out the sun, and we spoke in the shade. ([link for the confused](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdDdHMwhU2s)) It took me several minutes to explain what I really wanted.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot that “cran” is a [cranberry morpheme](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cranberry_morpheme). I blame this on Ocean Spray’s penchant for portmanteaus.
When I finished the conversation, I returned to the activity which had prompted the conversation: pouring the last of the cranberry juice. Glancing at the label, it took me a few seconds to figure out what sort of fruit the “berry” in what I read as “cran-berry” was. Engrossed in my attempt to parse the mystery word - now at about a 100° angle from upright - I didn’t notice as the cranberry juice began to spill over the top of the glass.
As the damper, less-confused person I am today, I’m going to buy orange juice in the future.
Cianistarle: This is the best thing i have read all day. "Cran" is a cranberry morpheme! Like cobweb and lukewarm!
I think this means that you need to drink nothing but juice with a cranberry morpheme in their name.
ke7ofi: Thanks to juice companies and their portmanteaus, “cran” is no longer a cranberry morpheme.
Cianistarle: How do you figure? Just because they are blending the juice, doesn't mean they are blending the word enough to cause it to no longer be a cranberry morpheme.
ke7ofi: They’re using it as a prefix.
Cianistarle: Oh, i see. I still think cranberry is the better juice. I am sorry you feel the need to switch to orange.
ke7ofi: I don’t care what I drink as long as parsing its name doesn’t result in having to take a shower.
Cianistarle: LMAO, yeah, you have a valid point there! You spilled enough to require a shower?
ke7ofi: Cleaning up the mess was a problem.
| 9 | 2.777778 | |
1407085157 | 1407088946 | t3_2cigsp | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing a cat box full of diarrhea on my front lawn in front of my neighbors... And also witnessing my cat get her face shit on.
Okay so this traumatizing experience happened a little over a year ago.
About a year ago, my mother had to be placed in a nursing home for a work injury she sustained. She was unable to walk during this time period and was forced to either hop on one foot or use a wheelchair.
So the story begins on a bright sunny day in April of 2013. My mother decided that she couldn't stand being in the nursing home for that particular day and she wanted to come home for the day and lay in her bed. One problem... Our downstairs bathroom had no toilet in it (another story for another day... basically my dad decided to fix the plumbing problem by ripping out the toilet). My dad ended up having to go to work and he left my mom at the house. At this point she didn't have one of those toilet seat things that you can have in your house so there was literally no place for her to go to the bathroom.
So my dad left and my sister, cousin and I talked to my mom for a bit when my mom told me she was starting to have cramps. After about fifteen minutes my mom told my sister, cousin and I that she really had to poop. There was nowhere for her to go. My sister and cousin were pretty disgusted and they ended up going upstairs and left me to deal with the situation.
At this point, my mom's cramps were getting really bad and my mom told me she was going to shit herself if I didn't do something. I started frantically searching the house for something, ANYTHING that my mom could go to the bathroom in. After about a minute of frantic searching I walked past one of my cat's cat boxes and realized that that was the best thing I was going to find. I recently got a new cat and we bought a new cat box for her but we didn't use it yet so it was empty. ANYTHING was better then letting my mom shit all over herself in bed. So I grabbed the cat box and ran over to my mom who at this point said she was two seconds away from shitting herself.
Meanwhile, my cat decided to follow me (my cats are really nosy and always have to be in the center of what's going on). So I handed my mom the cat box and when my mom squatted over to poop in it, my cat jumped up on the bed where my mom was squatting and put her nose right next to my mom's ass to sniff her. Right at that moment my mom had the worst explosive diarrhea I have ever seen in my life and she shit on my cat's face along with the cat box.
Horrified, I watched my cat make the most disgusted face I've ever seen on an animal (I didn't think it was even possible for a cat to make this face) and then she bolted. And then... I smelled it. Before I describe this smell, I'll just clarify that my mom later found out that she had c.diff and got it from the nursing home. The smell was so awful, I started throwing up almost immediately. The smell was like rotten diarrhea death horror and it permeated through the WHOLE HOUSE. My sister's room is on the third floor and she even came downstairs gagging asking wtf the smell was. At this point, I was going to pass out from the smell. My eyes were tearing, I was throwing up and my head was getting dizzy. I grabbed the cat box of diarrhea and ran as fast as I could toward the front door and when I got out of the house my first reaction was to throw the cat box as far away from me as I could.
So I chucked it towards my front lawn and all you could see was diarrhea flying everywhere raining all over the grass with a cat box landing on top of it. I was still kind of throwing up at this point and when I turned to go inside, I saw that my neighbors were staring at me from the other side of the porch with VERY confused faces (I lived in a two family).
Mortified, I ran back inside as fast as I could and opened up every window in the house (the smell was still unbearable).
I eventually found my poor cat and went through the disgusting process of cleaning her face and my dad came home a few hours later and asked why a cat box was on the front lawn. I was too embarrassed to go outside and get it, in fear that I would come across my neighbors again. I ended up going out at like 2 am and getting it and stuffing the fucking thing in a garbage bag and immediately putting it in the garbage bin outside.
My neighbors never mentioned this incident or ever tried to ask me why I threw a cat box of diarrhea all over the lawn and I was relieved when they moved out that summer...
Oh, and my front lawn smelled funky until it rained like a week later. Not like diarrhea but like rotting garbage... Weird.
TL;DR do not try to use a cat box. It doesn't end well.
imxrelx: Why didn't you tell kitty to get down or shoo her away? :( poor kitty
Call_me_Kelly: I think op was a bit busy. Edit: all things considered, much better than I might have done. Op really kept his/her shit together
imxrelx: Touché.
OP's hands were full.
The story from the *cats* perspective:
TIFU by being curious.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407087131 | 1407100133 | t3_2cijst | t5_2to41 | 30 | ChezySpam: TIFU by being the "creepy guy" on a date.
We went on a date and seemed to be having a fine time. We bowled and had a beer afterwards. We talked and joked and it seemed things were going alright- it wasn't great and amazing with fireworks, but it was really nice and relaxing and comfortable. She was intelligent and made me laugh, and I really liked that.
We went to leave and hugged. After the hug I went in for a kiss. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea, there were no signs, I just sprung it on her and she was taken aback. In fact, she face palmed me.
Prior to that date she had invited me for a little gathering at her place the following weekend but then rescinded the offer after I made an ass of myself. I'm not even mad at her, I'm mad at me.
I haven't told anybody about this, I'm really private about my dating life. Thank you for letting me share this.
[deleted]: wait, she slapped you? that's a pretty extreme reaction, did you try to force a kiss or what?
ChezySpam: No, no, she didn't slap me. She put her hand up in my face.
hiimcloudy: Is it weird that I think that's cute?
ChezySpam: Hey...
So I'm mildly socially awkward, overly introspective and analytical, and have great difficulty reading social cues.
Tell me about yourself.
In all honesty, thanks for the bit of support.
| 5 | 6 | |
1407082286 | 1407088259 | t3_2cicr1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU when gf caught me cheating
[deleted]: You got what you deserved.
Thankfully she caught you.
Dessomnia: agreed, this could not have gone better.
cheating sonsofbitches deserve all the pain and hardship they can get.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407081373 | 1407178790 | t3_2cibjm | t5_2to41 | 11 | HopefulPanda03: TIFU by sending a muscle pic to a random phone number
I have been into bodybuilding for a while now and I meant to send a selfie to myself so I can compare the before and after photos, but I messed up one of the numbers in my phone number, so it went to some random guy instead. Called the number and it was, indeed, active.
Now I'm just mortified because I wonder how long it will take for me to forget this XD
SmokeDaTrees: I'm confused. Did phones stop saving pictures and no one told me?
smokinporch: Guy probably spent all his money on whey and protein powder so he can't afford a phone with a proper camera.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407089679 | 1407100135 | t3_2cinv3 | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU By calling someone gay
This happened a couple nights ago with a group of friends.
So we were hanging out one night with our usual group when one of our friends decides to bring her younger brother and sister along. At first I just thought they were nice regular people, and to be fair the brother was. But throughout the night the younger sister or "Liz" would say "that's not funny" at random times. I was pretty confused but eventually my grand detective skills led to me finding a correlation between the word "gay" and her being upset. Naturally I decided to test my wits.
We were messing around and decided to have a little athletic contest. And to prove his athleticism Liz's brother wanted another boy to sit on his shoulders while he walked around. Normally I wouldn't say anything but I decided to put my theory up to the test.
I looked Liz's brother straight in the face and said, "that's a bit gay bro" in a joking laughing matter. Immediately Liz looked me straight in the face and said "that's really not funny OP", as I tried to act confused. Eventually she went on a complete rant on how the word gay was offending people as everyone else continued to have fun. With my theory proven right I decided there was no reason to further provoke her so I tried to laugh it off and say it was a joke. But of course the white knight Liz wouldn't accept that and after another 10 minute rant I started to get a little aggravated. I told her that we should forget about it and just leave it behind us but she would not take a "no" until she was able to make me agree. Then I snapped. I looked her dead in the eye and completely yelled at her about how everyone was having a great time except her because she was getting stuck up on a word someone said. She kept staring at until I realized that he eyes were getting glassy, and a tear rolled down her cheek. Me being a 17 year old male making a 6th grade girl cry made everyone else completely forget what she did and turn against me. And all my friends continued to call me an asshole for the rest of the night.
Tl;dr made a 6th grader cry because she got angry at the word gay
APGDT6: Actually you're not an asshole for pissing her off. You're an asshole because:
"I looked her dead in the eye and completely yelled at her"
clayton646: That and noticing she was upset around his use of the word gay. Which made him use it more to "test his wits"
| 3 | 9 | |
1407089755 | 1407119548 | t3_2cinyr | t5_2to41 | 22 | jakeburton__: TIFU by trying what I thought was one of my greatest ideas.
You know that marshmallow fluff stuff in the jars? That they make with crack cocaine? Anyways, I had half a jar at home and thought how great it would be to fill the rest of it back up with peanut butter and eat this celestial concoction straight from the jar. 1/4 of the way through, barely able to breathe/swallow from the amount of stickiness coating my esophagus, my stomach's had enough. Run the to kitchen sink and throw up the most delicious chunks ever to pass my taste buds again. Totally worth it.
Ce11arDoor: Hell yeah, I'm doing this but I'm going to mix in some maple syrup to help ease it down.
jakeburton__: That sounds pretty good, I'll have to try that. Also wanna try Nutella with ice cream, I saw that on Instagram like a year ago. I'll give my stomach a break for a couple days before anything else haha
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1407092968 | 1407171254 | t3_2ciswi | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU - I don't know if i have a gambling addiction, but I lost all my money in the slot machines and now I want to end my life.
To begin with, I don’t believe that I’m addicted to gambling. I have generalized anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, and episodes of depression that can turn very serious. I recently got married – a couple of months ago, and my wife is very unstable emotionally, besides being very controlling and manipulative, but she can also be very kind and I believe that she loves me, as I definitely love her, however bizarre this may sound. Our relationship has been very stressful due to constant ups and downs, and the country where we currently live is not the most exciting place to be. I don’t have a lot in common with my wife – as far as I know she almost never leaves the house, and has huge temper fits which seriously affect me and my emotional well-being.
A few days ago we came back from a trip abroad, and a couple of nights ago I saw that I had some money in my account and had the delirious impulse to go to the casino and play the slot machines. Now I lost almost all of my money, and I’m very afraid. I’ve had a few recent trips to that vile place and it’s been many years since I did. Now I cannot make ends meet.
I tried to end my life before, survived, and feel desperate and sometimes feel like just getting it over with and ending it. Any advice would help. Thank you.
HolleWalter: you're working, that's very important for several reasons as you probably know. Could you tell me what country you're in?
otsismi: His account is deleted. Reddit prayer?
HolleWalter: Would he take the effort to delete his story before hurting himself, do you think? I hope he's alright! I wonder what happened.
otsismi: We should all say a prayer, even if you don't believe in a higher power. Speaking hope into existence can't hurt.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407100196 | 1407177804 | t3_2cj3vi | t5_2to41 | 23 | loganm1998: TIFU by masturbating in the shower with baby oil
So I'm a hormone raged 16 year old who beats the meet pretty often...i like to lube up with baby oil but today after I took a shower I forgot to put the baby oil where it belongs...because I wanted to jerk off while I was showering to not make a mess....after the shower my dad texted me while I was out and asked why was the baby oil there. ..i lied and told him I had dry skin...but I'm pretty sure he knows I jerk off now... because its been very awkward and he wont talk to me and my parents are strict so they would get mad...what should I do reddit? Sorry this is my first post here on reddit...I'm sorry if I broke any rules
bjerwin: He Jacks off too, it's what guys do. Don't think about it too much
tchetelat: it's what ~~guys~~ people do.
COWRATT: *wink!*
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1407100391 | 1407136116 | t3_2cj455 | t5_2to41 | 319 | Abicus_Barbarian: TIFU by putting on a dress shirt.
Earlier today I had a speech/presentation to give for some of my college research. The day began like any other typical day. I hopped in the shower, cleaned up, etc. I'm a student so rarely do I dress up for any particular occasion unless its work or research related. Anyway, I started getting dressed and everything was fine until I got to my dress shirt. As I put on my shirt my right arm goes in first then left as most normal people do. My right arm went through fine and as I was putting in my left I felt like someone had stitched my sleeve together or that I was pressing my hand through a net. Not quite, Instead it was a nest of spiders. I say nest because this was not some ordinary web it felt strong enough that I struggled to push through and before I knew what was happening it was too late. The next thing I felt scarred me for the rest of my life. Spiders fucking crawling all over my arm. I ripped my shirt off and almost passed out from the pure adrenaline in my blood. I still don't understand why they would web inside of my sleeve, I feel like thats against their instinct to go where they would catch insects. Regardless, a fear that I had never thought existed was born in me and I will never be putting on a long sleeved shirt without thoroughly inspecting it first. I also believe that this event shed about 5 years off my life as my heart nearly stopped during this hellish encounter.
TL:DR new fear of spiders born after not so spiderbro clan nested in my shirt.
EDIT: Warning; Don't click any of the gifs below if you are deathly afraid of spiders.
Relephant_Username_: Thank you for sharing one of the scariest possible things I could ever imagine. I'm going to go burn my closet down now.
[deleted]: I have a similar story, from back when I was doing some spray painting at home. I was spraying an electric guitar and I had everything set up in the garage, including coveralls and a respirator (face mask for spray painting). I'd come in every other day and sand a bit and do another coat of paint. This time, I put the respirator on and felt something tickling my face. I'd inadvertently trapped a live spider inside my mask against my nose and mouth.
My_name_isOzymandias: [nope](https://i.imgur.com/Q3QAsD0.gif)
[deleted]: Lol!
I have a tamer one that happened to my mother. At the time, my parents and I lived near the tropics, where bugs get large. I was up late sitting on the lounge in the dark. My mother comes in to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Even though it's near the tropics it was winter and my mother gets cold easily, so she was wearing winter PJs — a long-sleeved shirt and pants.
She gets her glass of water and puts it on the kitchen counter. Then she hears a noise and senses movement. So, she clicks on the light. Instantly, dozens of two-inch long cockroaches scurry in all directions, looking for somewhere to hide. Unfortunately for my mother they seek refuge in the nearest dark areas, which happens to be inside her PJs. About a dozen cockroaches scramble up her legs and arms, under her clothes. She shrieks and dances around, jumping up and down, wildly swinging her arms and kicking her legs.
I'm slightly ashamed to say that I laughed.
[deleted]: And then there's the time I got out of the shower and as I lifted the towel to my face a hairy spider with a six-inch leg span ran from the other side of the towel towards my face and then jumped onto me.
And another time when my father had a spider with an eight-inch leg span climb across his chest as he drove down the highway at night.
TL;DR: Lived near the tropics: lots of bug stories.
escott1981: Mental note: Don't live in the tropics.
| 7 | 45.571429 | |
1407103821 | 1407116478 | t3_2cj9g4 | t5_2to41 | 164 | LabRatFuture: TIFU by skipping that rest stop and thinking I could make it to the next one.
Driving on about a 20 hour road trip, knew I was getting tired when I crossed from Kentucky to Tennessee and saw the rest stop, was making good time and didn't want to stop yet, I think I can make it for the two hours to cross Tennessee. I'll stop at the next one. Fell asleep at the wheel, ran the car off the road, and crashed into a couple trees, car is completely crushed and totaled with almost everything I own inside. Police and everyone say Im lucky to be alive and they don't know how I made it out of the car, suffering only minimal injuries.
ThegreatPee: Came for a pants shitting story, stayed to say I'm glad you are ok!
LabRatFuture: I wish this was only an "I shit my pants" story.
arkavianx: ...or was it that too?
LabRatFuture: Nope, no that.
| 5 | 32.8 | |
1407092804 | 1407179070 | t3_2cisnv | t5_2to41 | 11 | herkaburger: TIFU By trying to download a file. My friend probably thinks I was looking at porn while he was over...
So, last night, which was technically today, being that it was about 12:30 AM, I was trying to download what's called a "key generator," so I could access a program I, you know, acquired, for free. You guys know how it is. Well, I found a file, it had a sufficient amount of seeders, and was one of only two options. I download it, and run it.
At this point in time, I would like to add to the story that I have a buddy of mine crashing at my place tonight, because we haven't chilled since before we graduated 2 months ago. It's also the first time he's ever been to me house.
Anyway, I run this key-gen after scanning it, and determining it had no threats in it, but I didn't look at the file type. I opened it on my second monitor, and it opens windows media player on my main monitor. My friend and I look in confusion for a minute, and then a .Gif of a girl comes up, and what does she do? Lifts her shirt, and boom, titties. Great...
My face turns red, my friend is laughing his ass off as I try to tell him what's going on. In the end, it worked out, because I sent him the "key Generator" he thought wasn't the reason titties happened, and then got to see him freak in pain as he opened it while my mom was in the room. Good thing her back was turned.
TL;DR - Downloaded a key-gen, attempted to run it, titties.
Cheeseburger_Bandit: That isn't anything. My neighbor/friend/person I don't want anything to do with came to my house and constantly looked at porn on MY computer. It was a Mac though, so I didn't care much. That was until he went on chat roulette, and got naked when some random girl asked him to while I was cooking burgers in the kitchen. Never let him in my house again, and he moved a few weeks later.
herkaburger: I actually had a kid I met in 6th grade use my PC to watch Gay porn. First time I have him over, he fires up guy on guy shit in my media room, where my brother and I are sitting two feet from him playing xbox, facing him...
I promptly asked him to leave, and never return.
Cheeseburger_Bandit: *sigh* that's sixth grade for ya.
herkaburger: Kids are weird, and from what I've seen over the 6 years since I've been in sixth grade, it's they've only become weirder (and more shameless).
Gross Story (NSFW):
I would always drive down and pick my sister up from middle school after school, and I saw a middle school kid (7th or 8th, I don't recall) go up to a 5th grader (according to my sister, that's the grade the little girl was in), take her into this little indented area, where they were still able to be seen by people walking by, and from the road (which is where I was waiting as my sister put her stuff ion my car). He takes the 5th graders hand, puts it down his pants, lifts the girls shirt, the little girl is visibly distressed.
I parked my car, a few feet away, and I don't know how, but somehow from point car to point rape den, this little dude had his pants down, the little girl on her knees, and his small pecker halfway in her mouth. He's lucky she didn't bite down out of anger.
I made him put his pants up, took that little fucker and his victim into the school, without saying a word, told the principle, he freaked, then the kids dad came in and, more or less, told the principle that he didn't know what the problem was, being that those two were "dating."
Little kids are fucking scary when they grow up in today's world...
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1407103659 | 1407159996 | t3_2cj96y | t5_2to41 | 31 | teiu88: TIFU by trying to catch my iPad
So about one year ago, I was brushing my teeth before going to sleep while using my iPad. I was holding my toothbrush with my right hand, and I was holding the iPad in my left. It had its case on and I was holding it about a foot above the counter in my bathroom, so it wouldn't have done much to the iPad if it just fell.
Anyway, I guess I lost my grip on the iPad and it slipped out of my hand and was going to land screen side down. My brain told my arm to try and catch it, and instead of my hand moving around and under the iPad to catch it, my hand moved straight down and effectively smashed the iPad screen side down on the edge of the sink with considerable force and a nice crunch. The screen shattered and I got tiny pieces of glass in the sink.
TL;DR: Now this is a story all about how my iPad got flipped-turned upside down and I tried to catch it while it was in the air and I pushed it down and got bits of glass everywhere.
EDIT: Formatting
stealer0517: thats what you get for buying an ipad
KB_Arctic: How does that even relate to the situation at hand? The only reason his iPad broke was because it slipped.
stealer0517: ^^It ^^was ^^a ^^joke/circlejerk ^^thing
Cproo12: Then keep it out of here.
stealer0517: fine then captain no fun
PsychoticWhispers: >It was a joke/circlejerk thing
You are in the wrong place, bro. Go back to /r/circlejerk
stealer0517: so am I only allowed to say jokes in /r/jokes and funny stuff in /r/funny
am I only allowed to have fun in /r/fun?
teiu88: No but you did fuck up in /r/TIFU
| 9 | 3.444444 | |
1407103941 | 1407142464 | t3_2cj9mt | t5_2to41 | 309 | unclemab: TIFU by destroying my house after a drunk night out
This happened years ago, but it is still my go-to story when people talk about getting fucked up on booze and more. After getting more than a few laughs here myself, I thought I'd share.
So me and my friend, let's call him E, were at this other friend's birthday party and we were just hanging around, drinking beer and having a chilled time. We didn't really have plans for the night but then we never had. At what must have been around midnight, we decide to leave and stroll through town to see what's going on. Shortly after, we pass in front of this shady, underground club that always had a serious Triad vibe going on. I usually avoided it unless I felt like there wasn't enough shit happening in my life, which you know, it happens. This time though, we pass the club and there's this girl standing outside, I can't remember her name now and I don't think I could then, either. She recognises me and jump-hugs me, and pulls us inside to drink with her friends at her table.
Now, as we approach, we see that this table is laden with whiskey shots and dice. They were playing drinking games and they were playing hard. We rolled up and joined right in, losing round after round because we'd had a good few drinks before and it seemed like these people had only just gotten started. Now, for every roll we lost, we had to do a shot of Chivas, and taking into account the speed of the game, we were machine gunning these bad boys down at about 1 RPM. About 6 to 7 shots in, I start wondering why we were the only people suffering - when the others lost they happily downed their shots and jumped back in.
So the next time I lose, I take the shot that was lined up in front of the random girl next to me (not the one that pulled us into the club) and whaddya know - it was heavily mixed down with iced tea. She looks at me, I look at her, she grins and proceeds to kiss me, hard. As she kisses me, she pushes something into my mouth with her tongue - a pill of some sort. I can only think back and assume it was XTC but at the time I didn't ask and I didn't care. I swallowed it, we made out some more, I do a couple of shots, and then the fatal one - that one shot where, as you down it, you know it was a mistake.
I run to the toilet, but never make it, and essentially projectile vomit half the way there. My friend took that as a cue to evacuate the club (seeing as I hit some people who were in the line of fire and they looked like they were going to beat us up) but once outside, we both recover and head to yet another club. We once again run into a table of friends and vague acquaintances and I feel a tap on my shoulder. Here stands this beautiful girl that I'd never met before, and she is holding out a bag with white powder and a straw in it. Most likely speed, I guess, and in goes my nose. I wasn't thinking straight from the booze and the XTC and I certainly didn't think much of powdering my nose a little while I was at it. I didn't even use the fucking straw, I just went right into the bag, like an ant eater in ant fucking paradise. Proceed drinking, and banter with the hot girl, but no luck. Which was probably a good thing because...
Fast forward 30 minutes. I am standing in a bathroom stall, freaking out due to paranoia, sweating like a pig and close to flipping. A friend notices me freaking out and comes into the stall (I left it unlocked) and I somehow get the idea that he is trying to assrape me so I punch him in the face and run out of the club, into a taxi. Taxi takes me home and I exchange a few text messages with E:
* Me: COME OVER AND BRING YOUR MICHAEL JACKSON CD
* Him: Why? WTF?
* Me: JUST COME I AM FREAKING. AND BRING THAT GIRL
* Him: She won't come
* Me: FUCK HER JUST MJ THEN
So my buddy E arrives, middle of the night, Best-Of MJ CD in hand, and finds me jumping on the couch in my underwear like a maniac. We play the music, but I don't calm down, and my friend sits and watches me as I proceed to kick my TV on the ground, launch a full bag of rice krispies through the living room, and destroy my couch. At some point he laughs at something I was doing, and I turn around and ask him: "Do you think that's funny? DO YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY??? I'LL SHOW YOU FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER!" - and I pick up two bottles of red wine that I had standing in the kitchen and launch them into my living room walls. The red wine covers fucking EVERYTHING, carpet, couch, all the furniture and a good deal of electronics.
I'll wrap it up here. The next bit is blurry (the rest of it very clear - probably because of the drugs) but I managed to get footprints on the ceiling above my bed and destroyed my bed completely in the process. The door to my bedroom was unhinged and cracked because I had apparently swung from the doorpost to kick it out. My friend was too drunk to stop me from anything and I was so hyped up and flipped out that he probably couldn't have done much anyway. I walk into the living room to survey the damage next morning, head throbbing and still dazed, and find my friend's Michael Jackson CD jammed in the toaster. E is passed out in a corner on the floor, covered in rice krispies. The TV is broken and the DVD player no longer functional. The couch is ruined and there's a hole int he wall. Worst of all everything is covered in red wine and there's glass everywhere, which I proceed to cut both of my feet and a few fingers on. I flee back into the bedroom and pass out on the broken shambles that remained of my bed for the rest of the day, in an attempt to not deal with all that shit. Unfortunately not much had changed when I woke up in the evening, except my friend had disappeared after checking to see I was alive, and the clean up and recovery seriously made me contemplate just moving house.
TL;DR - Got fucked up on booze and drugs, projectile vomited in triad club, punched friend and fled home because of fear of assraping, proceeded to destroy furniture and equipment with flying bottles of red wine and a Michael Jackson CD.
plasma1147: YOLO
Serec_: SWAG
thisisme101: EPIC
MonsterIt: 420
[deleted]: \#HASHTAG
Goomoonryoung: Do you even lift bro.
| 7 | 44.142857 | |
1407104377 | 1407116078 | t3_2cjabf | t5_2to41 | 11 | CrazyKiwiCake: TIFU by walking away from a handicap in need.
Well, this happened last year in grammar school, and I've been regretting it since the minute it happened. I just wanna say I'm not a mean person, I volunteered to help out with the disabled kids since primary school, I was an 'unofficial' mediator for a lot of people; they came to me for help with study or life tips and etc.
Short story actually, it was midday and a terribly cold but sunny one, here in NZ we have bad and very contradicting weather. So, I was on office duty, where a selected person (i think randomly), is called to the dean's office and has to run errands for them. I was on my way to a class with a bunch of notes. It was after lunch time, I walked past the disabled unit and there was a girl on a wheelchair on her way to class, she couldn't talk and all (don't know what type of disability she had), and she had her lunchbox with her. I was already damn late to deliver the notes, when she dropped the lunchbox on the ground. Obviously she couldn't pick it up, and I noticed it.
So being the idiot I usually am not, I just stood there wondering what to do, I stared at her, then the notes; repeated that a bunch of times just standing there for like 10 seconds, then I walk away to deliver the notes. Fuck. I did turn around and say "I am so sorry!!".
It was so evil of me, I would definitely go back in time and fix that stupidity. ;-;
TLDR; young girl on wheelchair dropped her lunchbox in front of me and I just fucking walked away.
(for the american/canadian folks)I just realised, "grammar school" is what we call high school here in NZ.
vallexum: Don't sweat it. Your brain got muddled.
You do more good than bad, move on :)
CrazyKiwiCake: that actually helped me man, thanks :)
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407107335 | 1407275264 | t3_2cjelq | t5_2to41 | 6,884 | Identity-Protection: TIFU by having sex with my ex-girlfriend on a beach
Well, technically it happened last night, but I’ll continue the story anyways.
I was out at a bar with some friends drinking fairly heavily. My ex-girlfriend had recently turned 21 and had happened to go the same bar. I was not on bad terms with my ex-girlfriend so as the night progressed and the more drinks had been consumed, we made the mistake of thinking leaving the bar together was a great idea.
Fortunately, I was mindful enough to not drive drunk and excited enough to suggest we go down the local beach, which is only a five minute walk from the bar. When we get there, we decide to set up a spot behind the lifeguard chair so we are not completely visible. We begin the act. Although sex on a beach isn’t all that great, the thought of getting caught is somewhat exciting.
It’s at this point I should inform the readers that her father is a police officer in town, but rarely has night patrol.
Apparently, this is the one night he has night patrol. About 15 minutes into the deed, I stop because I think someone is on the beach. A minute or two later, we forget the noise and go back at it. This was a mistake. An absurdly bright flashlight is shined on my back and a rough voice tells us to stop and get dressed. As I drunkenly fumble with my clothes and she searches awkwardly for her undergarments, I turn to face the officer. Both the flashlight and head of the officer drop in what I can only assume is shame. Being too embarrassed to take his daughter and myself in for public indecency, he decided to drive us home. This was by far the most awkward car ride I have had. I don’t think I am going to be having much more of a relationship with my ex.
Fun Fact: Parents are not to pleased to see their child being let out of the back of a police car at 2 AM.
**TL;DR**
Police officer father of ex-girlfriend catches ex-gf and I having sex on beach. Got a ride in a police cruiser. Was not allowed to play with the siren.
I apologize for any formatting problems. I am fairly new to reddit and have yet to master posting
TheDemonClown: >Was not allowed to play with the siren.
Priorities.
shoestringpotato: Well you played with his daughter...
SeanDangerfield: Oooh! Snap, crackle, and pop his daughter!
kid-karma: OP was getting pop-pop in the back of the cruiser?
Chieftawsmcool: The mere fact that you call it that shows me that you're not ready.
MattxAus: Sometimes there is not always karma in the Arrested Development references.
PiggyBankofDespair: There's always karma in the banana stand.
MattxAus: Well there is now, not when I commented. Someone's been making deposits.
John_the_Piper: OP's deposit was denied
ToCondemn: Requesting to drop cargo.
ENEMY DETECTED. ABORT. ABORT.
shitass70: THERE WERE 250,000 BANANAS IN THAT CARGO SHIPMENT AND YOU DIDN'T DROP IT. NOW WE'RE GOING TO STARVE.
ToCondemn: Now they all died instead of all but one...
shitass70: what?...
ToCondemn: Now everyone is dead... in the "cargo".... instead of that one little "guy" making it to the goal....
shitass70: Ah
| 16 | 430.25 | |
1407108719 | 1407118928 | t3_2cjgot | t5_2to41 | 9 | moltingbird: Tifu by taking benadryll after getting stung in the face by bees
this was a month ago but i just discovered reddit so yeah
I am a beekeeper with a very mild allergy to beestings, i carry an epipen and my doc told me if i get a few stings to take 4 benadryll and not worry about it. I had been out working my hives in my beesuit no problem but my bees were kinda pissed. I call it quits and head back to the house waiting about 10 minutes for them to buzz off.
The second i take my suit off i get lit up. Stung on my face, ear, top of head, several on arms. I try getting in the house, wife had locked door. More stings to arms and head before getting inside. Take my 4 benadryll as directed. It would seem my doctor failed to mention that taking benadryll after drinking 4 beers is a bad idea. My memory ends shortly after taking the pills. Wife tells me i was instantly falldown drunk spilling mexican food on myself and incoherent. Woke up next morning in an odd position clothes on covered in food with massive swelling of my face.
Tl;dr 4 benadryll plus 4 beers equals fucking wasted
CaptainPeppers: Yeah im gonna have to ask. Why be a beekeeper it you're allergic to bees?
moltingbird: Found out about It after gettin the bees and im into them about 1500. In theory getting stung can help me build up immunity
troythewonderboy: In reality you may have an a life threatening anaphalatic reaction, which is why you have the epipen.
moltingbird: Anyone can given enough stings. Fyi every beekeeper i know carries an epipen
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1407108823 | 1407110637 | t3_2cjgtp | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: tifu by spray painting on a customers apartment
Let me start by saying I work in the food industry. I (used to) deliver circles of meat and cheese at a place I will leave unnamed. Now most people understand that tipping is part of the transaction of a delivery. But there are always those people who consistently don't tip and fuck up my coworkers and myself. Nobody likes working for free, or sometimes negative money. Anyways on the day this happened I had received at least four stiffs, and it was getting on my last nerve. I ended up delivering to this one guy who consistently doesn't tip and I decided something must be done. I acted completely on impulse, painted some offensive things on his door and surrounding walls. But I ended up insulting his pajamas in my graffiti, and I'm pretty sure that's how they figured it out. And on top of that I used his wife's name in my slurs, so I didn't even know the dude's name. So the next thing I know I'm getting calls from the cops and I'm fired from my job. I'm not the type of person who would do this kind of thing, I don't ever take out my anger on other people. I am a strong believer in karma and I felt horrible after what I did. I plan on convincing the apartment owner to let me paint over it and not press charges. But if the person I did this to is reading right now, I would like to apologize. I completely over reacted and I'm willing to fix it. I just wish you could have given me a tip. Seriously, two bucks and this would never have happened. Anyways, what does reddit think
Stasha55: I think that you are on the right karma path. You realized you made mistakes and are taking responsibility (apart from the last bit when you want to blame the guy for not giving you tip and causing all this).
The thing is - you can carry that shit for the rest of your life and cringe every time you think about it or you can be grateful for the learning experience and take all the learning you can out of it.
I would probably buy some really nice pajamas and a box of chocolates for his wife, with a lovely not "sorry" and send it to him via courier. It will not help him, he will still think that you are a jerk, but it will give you closure. It really works.
garbagethief: Yeah, I mean I'm not the type of person to dwell on things. And I was just saying, tipping is part of the transaction, the part that I had to live off of. I will definitely get something for the wife though.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407109301 | 1407118211 | t3_2cjhir | t5_2to41 | 123 | Greggie83: TIFU by putting superglue in my eye
This didn't happen today and since there are plenty of posts about things that happened years ago, so here we go.
I started wearing contact lenses in September and often wore them for a short time, extracting them and continuing the day with my glasses. It was mid-December and I was still adjusting to life with contact lenses. After coming home exhausted one afternoon I decided to take nap after I extracted my contact lenses. Upon waking up from the nap, as I commonly did, I put eye drops in my eyes in order to lubricate them.
But this day, when I pulled my right eyelid down and squeezed the bottle for a drop, the most intense pain I've ever experienced shot through my body. The bottle catapulted against the wall like a boxer on the ropes and Mom, who sprung up from her chair, realized it was a bottle of superglue that I had not put away the night before when I repaired a wreath. I screamed and screamed, realizing what I had done. We ran for the car and rushed to the Emergency Room where I was taken in immediately.
The doctor scraped (I know, you just cringed) the bottom portion of my eyelid and had a massive suction cup over my eyeball.
"If you had done this over your cornea, you'd probably be blind. But since you pulled your eyelid down, you'll have a little discomfort and less eyelashes.
And that, kids, is why I always put things back where they belong. Especially superglue.
Omnipotence456: He numbed it before scraping, right? If so that's actually not so bad, I've had stuff scraped off the surface of my eyeball before while numbed, and while definitely weird it wasn't painful. If he didn't numb...fuck that.
Greggie83: He did not numb it but it was a 5 on a 19 scale. It was just very uncomfortable. Since it was just getting the dried glue out of the bottom area (is there a name for the part you pull down?), my adrenaline was blocking much of the pain.
Omnipotence456: The inside tissue of your eyelids is called the conjunctiva, and if you want to get really technical the lower one is the palpebral conjunctiva. And I assume you mean 5/10, as the usual pain scale is 10 points?
Source: my dad is a nurse, and I'm a sponge for technical stuff.
Greggie83: Yes, a 10 scale. Cool, now I know. Thanks, redditor. Thankful for nurses like your dad and doctors alike for their help always - but especially that night.
| 5 | 24.6 | |
1407107945 | 1407110379 | t3_2cjfjr | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a socially and romantically inept moron
This is a pretty long post, so bear with me while I vent.
I feel the need to start this thread off by stating that I haven't had sex in two years. There have been a few encounters with different women during that time, but no actual sex since the end of my last official relationship. I should also add that I went from a short, skinny and pretty damn awkward guy to a much more muscular--albeit still short--and better looking guy within the course of a year that a lot of women now find attractive. However, my ability to read social ques--i.e. women's signals--has not developed nearly as well as my muscularity and I'm still extremely stupid when it comes to picking up on obvious body language and gestures. I'm far from asexual and I actually have a pretty strong sex drive, especially when in relationships. That sex drive is easily balanced out by the fact that I'm pretty strongly introverted and just really fucking dumb when dealing with anything involving women. With that being said, that still doesn't excuse the brilliantly dumb actions that I've made in these last few days.
In about a month, I'll be beginning a graduate degree program at a very prestigious school. I was also given a chance to do a paid internship this summer in the field which I'll be working in after I earn my degree. Everything was great with the program and I've worked with a lot of amazing people who are currently working on their degrees while employed there for the summer.
There were a few cute women out of the dozen or so summer employees, but almost all of them were either in a very serious relationship or already married. I think the one exception to this was actually the best looking one, fortunately. For the sake of anonymity, we'll call her Michelle. Upon first meeting the rest of the crew, I was introduced to Michelle by a co-worker who had already met her. Prior to shaking her hand, I noticed that she gave me a strong look up and down while grinning. I noticed this happened to me with a few other female employees at this business and I didn't think much of it at the time (stupid, I know.)
Overtime, Michelle and I didn't have all too much interaction with one another outside of the mandatory social events that we were required to attend once a week, all of which were actually pretty fun. I noticed that Michelle became a bit more flirty at some of these events, ranging from asking for contact information (gmail address for the purposes of chatting) to asking for a kiss on the cheek before leaving from one of the final events. Alcohol flowed pretty freely at the events and I just chalked it all up to the significant amount of drinking that some of us were doing. Overall, Michelle seemed a bit flirty with everyone, so I guess it wasn't too off for me to think that was just her nature, especially when she was drinking.
There was an employee that everyone knew she was interested in since she always seemed to gravitate towards him in the office or at the events. We'll call him John. At one point, Michelle even admitted to a few of our co-workers that she had a huge crush on John. The recruiter (who was actually really cool and more like a fun co-worker than our boss) noticed this and mentioned it to me since we all picked up on the vibe. It wasn't a huge issue, it was just sort of like we all wished she would just tone it down a little since it just looked unprofessional.
So let's fast-forward to the last event of the summer that took place last week. We all went out for a while, with both summer employees and regular employees all invited. Eventually, we all end up at a bar and the drinking from earlier in the night continues.
At one point, I was sitting on a couch, trying to organize a ride home (I lived pretty far out since I'm staying with family in the area for the summer.) Michelle comes up and a little dialogue ensues. She then takes a seat between me and John on the couch and starts rubbing my leg continuously over the course of a few minutes. My initial thought is to question exactly what's going on at that moment, but then she grabs my hand and starts caressing the back of it. Even given how stupid I am when it comes to picking up signals (which I'm sure she had figured out at that point), there was no way I could be oblivious any longer.
I'd like to say that this story ends with us fucking like she undoubtedly wanted, but if you've gotten this far into this wall of text, you probably know this isn't going to end well.
Instead of making a move on what was more than likely a sure thing, I sat and did nothing. I was a bit taken aback by the fact that Michelle seemed to be actively flirting with John and I concurrently, so I didn't even bother trying.
This is the part where it goes from missing out on a good opportunity to just being a despicable person...
In my drunken state, I'm pretty sure I told the recruiter--again, who for all intents and purposes was essentially our boss for the summer--about the incident. I'm not sure why I did it and it definitely wasn't out of spite, although I did feel pretty uncomfortable while in the situation, but I guess I just talk a lot to whomever while drunk. I'm seriously hoping the recruiter didn't speak to Michelle about it, but I'm sort of inclined to believe that she would have been obligated to say something.
Upon leaving, I said bye to everyone and Michelle hugged me from the couch and kissed me on the neck, although I'm not sure if that was intentional or if she was aiming for the cheek but missed as I rose too quickly. We mentioned something about Gchatting sometime soon, but I sent her a message on Friday and today to no avail, leading me to believe that maybe her and the recruiter had a conference.
I spoke to the recruiter about the night the day after via text and no mention was made of the incident and it was a pretty funny, light-hearted conversation. Still, the fact that I got no answer from Michelle now is pretty damning considering that she responded pretty quickly to other messages in the past.
I feel like a horrible fucking human being. If there was a conversation about the incident with the recruiter, she'll have to deal with extra scrutiny when she comes back next year since she just accepted a position with the company. She'll also have a reputation for being the office flirt and I'll now have the reputation for being the office snitch when word gets around.
I spent all weekend trying to figure out why the fuck I opened my mouth about any of this. I could have had a good thing going if I shut my mouth and stopped being a socially inept dumbass for a few minutes. Now I'm pretty sure that Michelle and probably a few other summer employees hate me.
TL;DR: Got hit on by a cute girl, possibly ruined her career and social relationships at the job because I'm an idiot.
Arkvaledic: From the sound of it, other than not perceiving social que's ( the up and down etc.) it seems to me you are being a little hard on yourself. I don't believe you're as socially inept as you say because in that situation I believe many people (definitely not all) would feel comfortable making a move while in the direct vicinity of John who everyone knows she likes. Your reaction was fine from my view.
Don't get down, Confidence is key my man!
lovelessthrow: Thanks. I guess I'm being hard on myself because I have a very, very long history of missing out on obvious ques only to be told later on that a woman was interested in me. I'm just seriously hoping that the recruiter didn't say anything to her since it would be downright embarrassing, not to mention potentially career-threatening.
Arkvaledic: Well best of luck to you!
| 4 | 1 | |
1407106978 | 1407150317 | t3_2cje3e | t5_2to41 | 16 | MoisturizedGoat: TIFU by choke slamming someone significantly younger than me.
While at a much younger age than I am now, I often used to play outside my house. The activities would vary but they mostly included football and colours. On this particular warm sunny day we happened to be playing rounders/softball or whatever you prefer to call it.
As with all streets & communities, there is a good mix of ages. Ranging from very young people that were 5/6 up to late teens. I was around 12 at the time. As most people know, young kids are darn annoying, but on this day young 7 year old "Toby" was really going out of his way to annoy me. There was almost some personal vendetta to it.
He was hitting,kicking me, screaming at me and all that general shit that kids sometimes do in order for attention. I gave him a fair warning, saying that he was seriously pushing his luck. But he continued, on and on. Relentless in his annoyance of me. So then I lost it.
I straight up walked up to him, wrapped my hand around his throat and looked him in the eye as if to say " This is happening". I lifted him with some serious might for a 12 year old. Taker would have been damn impressed. Then I slammed the little punk down the ground. This was followed by absolute silence until the kid started howling.
After an absolute bollocking from my parents talking about how I can't do stuff like that blah blah blah, I was forced to go round this kids house and apologize. This was probably one of the most awkward moments of my life, having to explain why I had just choke slammed there kid through the ground.
I still know "Toby" to this day. Luckily he's not half as annoying anymore.
Tl; dr: Kid annoyed me so I choke slammed him, had to explain actions to his parents. Felt like a twat.
Nateacus: I imagined this with Jim Ross shouting "BAH GAWD, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!" as soon as the impact was made.
MoisturizedGoat: "MANKIND IS DEAD, HE KILLED HIM"
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1407111817 | 1407113109 | t3_2cjl6q | t5_2to41 | 16 | hardworkbreh: TIFU by going to the Grocery Store
today wasn't a normal sunny day, it was cloudy and really windy. I went to the grocery store to buy some milk. Drove all the way there, wasn't far, saw a really nice parking spot to park my car. I turned off the car got my wallet and phone, opened the car door, i got out of the car, I noticed how windy it was and BAMMM!!! a bird took a shit, the wind carried that shit like a bullet and it hit my face. FK YOU!! BIRD, if you're reading this i just want you to know, that you should go FK Yourself!!!
something_other: Last line was the best "Bird, if you're reading this..." lol
hardworkbreh: I'm so mad, i hope it dies in a painful death
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1407111454 | 1407147783 | t3_2cjkmo | t5_2to41 | 5 | demetrios1975: TIFU by trying to kill a urinal fly with urine
I need to preface this post by admitting that I'm extremely germaphobic. When I say that, I mean that I carry blue nitrile gloves in my trunk for pumping gas. Because I drive thousands of miles a month for work, I carry a jug of water with a spout dispenser and anti bacterial soap in my car so I can wear the gloves when I need to use a public restroom. When a client uses my pen, I “accidentally” leave it behind.
This morning I went to Walmart at 6:30 with the hopes of beating the weekend crowd. I do most of my shopping at Kroger, but there are certain things that I can get cheaper at Walmart, like coffee, napkins and laundry soap. When I pulled into the parking lot I felt my morning coffee trying to burst through my bladder. Realizing that my options were to use the restroom at Walmart or drive home, I popped the trunk and grabbed a pair of gloves.
When I went inside there was nobody around, so I quickly donned my gloves and stepped up to the urinal. As I'm peeing, I see what looks like a fruit fly buzzing around my stream. Thinking that I'm being clever, I aim my piss stream at him but he narrowly gets away by flying to the very top of the urinal. I see him hanging out near the water ducts and wonder if I have him cornered. Taking another pass, I direct my stream up to the top of the urinal but he flies down and lands on the drain.
Seeing this as my opportunity, I direct my flow back to the drain, but the little bastard evaded me once again. Then, in what I now realize was his retaliatory tactic, the mother fucker flies into my face as if to dare me to try him. Wanting to put the brazen bastard in his place, I decide that my best course of action is to blow as hard as I can to at least shoo him away.
This is where the situation took a traumatic turn. Because as I puckered my lips and my chest filled with air, the bastard took the opportunity to fly straight into my mouth and land on the inner lining of my bottom lip. As soon as it dawned on me that the fly was in my mouth, I exhaled and he shot out in a direct trajectory toward the wall. As I'm gagging, dry heaving, spitting and letting drool run freely from my mouth, the reality that this fly was sitting in a fucking urinal hit me like a ton of bricks. At the same time, I see the bastard take his victory lap, flying away toward the stalls while I considered the many bodily fluids he no doubt left in his wake and were now contaminating my mouth.
All of this culminated in the loss of my breakfast, my dignity and the chance to do my shopping. Because as soon as I finished throwing up in the garbage can, I went to my car to rinse my mouth out. Luckily, I keep a small bottle of Listerine in my center console, so I was able to rinse furiously before I drove home in defeat.
TL;DR: I tried to kill a urinal fly with urine and suffered the consequences.
something_other: We had a drain fly infestation where I worked once. One of my male coworkers peed on one of them, and it proceeded to fly right into his face, landing my coworker's pee right on him. Yeah... those flies are gross.
demetrios1975: I pour a cup of bleach down the drains at home to prevent them from coming in.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407113384 | 1407650185 | t3_2cjnn8 | t5_2to41 | 76 | whateverthrowawa: TIFU by doing acid for the first time the night before my 17th birthday
Today is my 17th birthday. Last night I did acid for the first time with friends and split up and wound up at home alone, tripping out. I yanked my mom's laundry machine out of the wall, as well as the stove thinking they weren't real. I woke up this morning to my mom coming home, and found out that it was indeed real.
Guitarknowitall: Some kid in my school did acid and pulled a bookshelf down on himself. He broke three or four bones and his parents didn't find him for like 4 hours. He was out of school for a week in surgery. Don't do drugs kids.
Omnipotence456: More like, don't do drugs alone if you don't know what you're getting into
Guitarknowitall: Or maybe just use your brain and never do acid.
tommy_8: Condescending stuck up prick. Let loose and have fun once in a while, just be responsible.
Guitarknowitall: Yeah, I guess your right. I should just loosen up, relax, have fun and endorse doing some fucking drug that makes people [kill themselves](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/10/ethan-rickman-dies-dead-acid_n_4076860.html) and pull washing machines and stoves out of walls. Like seriously, if you do acid you are being a totally responsible individual as long as you have a fucking body guard keep you from killing yourself.
You must think people who keep their friends from driving drunk are just being overprotective.
tommy_8: Fuck no, I'm the first person to tell my friends of for even considering getting in the drivers seat intoxicated. I'm just saying drugs like acid aren't as horrible as people make them out to be; but they should be done in a safe environment. With that I mean one where no damage can be done to you, nor done by you.
You must be a lot of fun to party with.
Guitarknowitall: I'm all for drinking and I don't care if people around me are smoking pot. Not doing drugs that literally make you try to hurt yourself and other people around you, so much so that you need to have a "babysitter" with you. That's fun to you?
bowyer-betty: I've fallen off my roof twice drunk. I've fallen while walking on the jetties, also drunk(split my knee open to the patella on that one.) I've gotten into fights with people much bigger than myself, very drunk. I've done countless stupid things in the name of Jack, Jose and the Cap'n. I've been to disney world and universal studios many, many times trippin nuts, without incident. And it was great every time. Also I went on a 2 day bus ride with a healthy supply of mushrooms. That was a bit confusing and smelly, but nobody got hurt and the ride was probably better than if I'd gone sober. Alcohol is probably the most dangerous drug out there, because everyone thinks it's so much safer that "doing druuuugs." Define drug for me, then tell me what alcohol does.
Guitarknowitall: See kids? this is what drugs will turn you into.
bowyer-betty: What, exactly, did drugs turn me into? An intelligent, semi-enlightened young man who can look back at all of his mistakes and say that none were caused by drugs(other than alcohol.) Well that just seems like a fate worse than death. Fuck /u/bowyer-betty. He's an asshole. You're still a dildo though, Mr. knowitall. And, it would seem, a pussy. So go fuck yourself.
Guitarknowitall: So many trolls on here.
bowyer-betty: You're the one talking shit about other people's choices. I'm just defending those people, myself included. That's not a troll, you are fuckass.
Guitarknowitall: You must get mad when health teachers talk about drugs because they're just trying to ruin your doomed, addiction filled life.
bowyer-betty: Only thing I'm addicted to is nicotine, and I'm working on that. And my life is far from doomed, sir. What happened in your life to make you so bitter? Tell us, Guitar. Where did the drugs touch you? You're safe here. Shh shh shh, it's ok. Also, I haven't seen a health teacher in years. Have you ever tried any sort of drugs?
zn5: I understand.
| 16 | 4.75 | |
1406939409 | 1407384290 | t3_2cdvcl | t5_2to41 | 9 | borreman: TIFU by replacing 3 faulty hard drives. Twice.
So, I work in 2nd level tech support at a medium sized company.
Today three new hard drives arrived from the manufacturer to replace 3 faulted once, so I open up my helpdesk tool and note what drives need replacement. I went in the cellar and replaced the drives and return to my desk.
A short while later we start reciving calls about offline servers, but my colleague handles it, and goes talk to some engineers.
Two minutes later an engineer pops his head in: "Yeah some sort of storage problem on disksystem so part of vmware down right now. I'll look into it".
Another 10 minutes and he's back: "It's the VM storage. It looks really weird, in a way I havent seen before. Can you file a report at the manufacturer and I'll look further into it". Weird, thats the system I just changed drives in, but he seems on top of it.
Five minutes later he's back: "Someone just changed three drives?" "Yeah that was me". Weird looks, and the he asks "how did you change them?", so I told him: "pull one out. Wait. Plug in. Wait to see its accepted. Rinse. Repeat." He goes away.
Aaand he's back: "We need those disks you pulled out? It's stuck rebuilding. Where are they?" "UPS just picked them up" "You need to get those back". So I spent two hours on the phone with UPS, to no avail, they wouldn't/couldn't help me. Management now involved and everyone is waiting for me to get the disks back.
Engineer is back: "Sorry I have to ask: Are you ABSOLUTELY sure those drives were faulty when you replaced them? Did they flash yellow? The reason I ask is because those three exact drives were also replaced two days ago."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. All of a sudden I remember. I replaced those drives wednesday. So this morning i pulled three perfectly working drives out of a vmware production storagesystem at the same time. And those drives are still in the basement, it was the drives from wednesday I sent to UPS.
He nods and kindly asks if I can fetch those drives? So after he verified those were indeed the drives and the order of wich they were pulled, he says he thinks I should go home now (I stayed an hour extra to talk to UPS).
Hope they fix it. Not looking forward to monday.
ahoney002: Dude, that was *you*?! Gah! That explains the issues we were having with vm ware then.... :p oh well. It's alright, I guess. Best luck on Monday....
borreman: Not me, I was actually the one trying to fix it. Just thought the story worked better this way :)
ahoney002: Lol okay, I'll put away the battle axe for now ;) but next time... jk :) thanks for fixing it?
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407113100 | 1407157756 | t3_2cjn80 | t5_2to41 | 10 | RapidRadish: TIFU by making a joke to a girl that just broke up with her boyfriend.
Basically here is what went down:
This couple in my high school dated for about a year and I was really good friends with both of them. I was bros with the dude and i was a good friend to the girl (which i never had feelings for so no friend-zone :) ). Anyways, the couple eventually broke up and the guy in the relationship started dating other girls on really short notice after their break up. Me, being an insensitive little fuck that day snap-chatted the girl in the relationship saying " hahaha *guys name* has a new bae already and you don't " (okay i know, it was fucked up but i swear i didn't mean for it to sound that bad and i was also joking around because the new girl that the guy started dating was in middle school).. So basically I fucked up but wait there's more! The girl i snap-chatted screenshotted that and sent it to other girls in my school and boom. Every girl in school was pissed at me. One even confronted me in class in front of everyone and i had to explain that it was a joke and i apologized immediately afterwords. All in all, don't fuck with girls.
YourLocalWalmart: Where do you go to school in the beginning of August?
agentlame: OP didn't say that this happened *in school*, but just that it was a high school relationship and involved people in their high school.
mjja: And he said a girl confronted him in front of the class, so yes, he was going to school
agentlame: Well, fuck me... I'm an idiot.
Totally missed that part.
| 5 | 2 | |
1407114823 | 1407132167 | t3_2cjpxu | t5_2to41 | 6 | mesome32: TIFU by drinking the hard stuff underage
First time pos... whatever anyways,
My mum is one of those pintrest browsers, and she has friends who do the same. They decided to make some weird drink which involved letting vodka (I think) sit overnight in the fridge with fruit somethings juicing it up. Now, I hadn't eaten in ~36 hours and I just woke after an all night gaming session.
I had been looking through the kitchen for something to eat, unaware at the time that this concoction was in the fridge. Thinking my mum was making some fruit drink like she does, I decided to try some. I find a small glass (our smallest glass size can hold one of those mini soda cans). You can see where this is going. I dump a good amount of the undiluted liquid in the class and throw it back in my throat.
It was already down when I had begun to feel the burn and the smell hit my nose. On an empty stomach and dehydrated, I swallowed as much water as I could while stumbling into the living room to lie down. I was still really tired, and eventually fell asleep.
When I finally came to life once more, I could hear my mother walking around, probably seeing the mess in the kitchen where I left the glass on the counter. I walked up to her, not knowing what to expect. She just stared at me, awaiting my explanation. With stuttered nervous speech, I told her what happened. After having some coffee and muffins, to help with my slight hangover I went and slept the rest of the night.
pixelated_fun: >She just stared at me, awaiting my explanation.
Well, don't keep her in suspense. Tell her how the drink tasted.
mesome32: It was fruity, but the insane amount of alcohol in it made it unbearable. Replaced with water, it would be pretty yummy
| 3 | 2 | |
1407114035 | 1407115582 | t3_2cjona | t5_2to41 | 44 | Jsbb: TIFU by being a bad cashier
I had just finished ringing this very nice lady up and she had asked me if I had given her everything. Without really checking I said "Yeah, you're good to go!" and so she left. I was wiping things down like 2 minutes later and noticed she had left a bag behind. I felt was devastated. I then turned to my register, only to find like 7 coupons of hers I forgot to use, one of which was $5 off. I am so sorry, nice lady.
Guitarknowitall: Not that bad of a fuck up, I feel bad for the lady though. If she didn't really say anything about you not using her coupons or forgetting her stuff its partly her fault too.
Jsbb: She was pretty old, so I don't know. I'm usually really good with this stuff, but this time I slipped on one of my favorite customers to date. We had been talking for quite a while because it was very slow at the time. Also, I'd gander that more people forget stuff than you'd think. I usually have to run after people at least 2 times a day.
Guitarknowitall: Well you learned your lesson. It could have been worse.
| 4 | 11 | |
1407115309 | 1407150492 | t3_2cjqod | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Tifu by not checking the mail
So this happened a while ago but I am now feeling the repercussions of my actions.
So basically I'm a 17 yr old male, who has been looking forward to the day of getting his first car since the day I walked into the dmv and earned my license with my finesse driving. I was told by my parents that if my GPA was high enough I would get to choose my car. (My family rewards excellent grades with excellent rewards) Going into my junior year, my GPA was 4.21, I naturally thought that my trend of good grades would continue. Unfortunately I was wrong. I failed my advanced physics course and barely passed pre cal. My junior year GPA plummeted to a 2.93, making my cumulative a 3.53. I spent the entire year hiding my grades from my parents, especially these past few weeks. When the final report card gets mailed home. I checked the mail for weeks, but i never saw it. Then yesterday at dinner my dad slid a brown envelope across the table. He told me it was sitting in the home office for over four weeks!!!! And couldn't help bit open it.
TL;DR
Didn't check the mail for my report card hard enough, now no one will see my finesse driving in a whip.
fuckitx: ..isnt 3.53 still good?
AmoneyWestside: Not when your brother set the standards
Abivile93: Your parents are bullshit dude.
AmoneyWestside: Yea they are
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407116214 | 1407192552 | t3_2cjs09 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my mother I was going to school
Excuse the novel but apparently I enjoy writing. This didn't happen today, was a few months ago but that's not really important. So a little backstory here. My parents are really big on teaching me and my siblings how to be responsible with money time etc. So they have this rule that once you finish high school you need to have a job and go to college or you are kicked out. So once I graduated high school I did what any sane 18yr old kid would do under aforementioned rules. I went to college. No big fuck ups yet. Now about halfway through my semester at a 4yr university I decided I absolutely despised the bull shit pre-requisites classes I had to take (yes, I know I'm as lazy as a whale on a beach), so I dropped out and now owe by dad $2,000. Now it did occur to me that I was going to be kicked out of my parents house and with nowhere to go me in my teenage genius came up with a beautiful plan. No one had to know I wasn't going to college right? So begins the second fuck up. I decided to not tell any one and pretend I still went to school, I went to work instead. This worked very well for about six months and queue Spring Break. I didn't know on which days it occurred for the university I was "attending" so one day during that I get up at my normal time for work. I am making my breakfast my mom asks if I'm going to work. So in my just woke up state it doesn't really register in my head and I say "no, I'm going to school." The next three word my mother said very nearly gave me heart attack. "It's spring break." This little conversation woke me up pretty fast and I was freaking out the whole day at work wondering if just maybe on a sliver of hope she just thought I had my days mixed up. Nope. I get home from work and everything seems fine eat dinner and then my father says he needs to talk to me. He asked for my transcript which I didn't have. Sad music begins and my life starts a nice downward spiral. I will probably end up in the gutter asking you people for money. Cheery thought isn't it.
tl;dr
Yeah I wrote a book up there sorry.
Told mom I was going to school during spring break and she found out I was just pretending to go to school, got kicked out of my house.
SHUMAGORATH7: Military?
FinnKnite: Military won't take me. Have one leg longer than the other.
SHUMAGORATH7: So what level of homeless are you. 1 being like guy on someones couch and 10 being a rambling Vietnam vet
FinnKnite: I've got somewhere to stay at the moment but I don't know how long it will last.
SHUMAGORATH7: Become a karate master and avenge someone.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1407120770 | 1407212201 | t3_2cjyor | t5_2to41 | 103 | im_michael: TIFU By trying to be friends with my ex-girlfriend
Let's start off with a bit of backstory, we dated for 3 months 5 years ago. She was in love with me, but at the end of the day I was heading off to college and with her still in high school there was going to be no way to maintain the relationship. Fast forward to yesterday, I'm back in the same town and get a message from her. We end up going out for frozen yogurt, because apparently nobody eats ice cream these days, to catch up on our years apart. Thinking that we could be friends I invited her to go rock climbing the next day (today). It was a great time, and according to my male brain and it's (shockingly limited) processing power all was fine. She wanted to meet back up tonight. Turns out she has a huge hatred for me. Also turns out she's been training in Muay Thai. As soon as I was within striking distance there were a flurry of punches hitting my throat and mid section. Being in a secluded area I did my best to just walk away. Eventually she must have tired from hitting the back of my head and left. I guess that friendship isn't going to work out.
TL;DR Tried to be friends with my ex, found out the hard way she now trains in Muay Thai
Edit: There's are several people doubting that this happened, if someone who has photoshop wants to edit out the number and names involved I have all the screenshots saved on my laptop and would gladly post them.
Edit 2: Whelp, I was only able to crop the images so I excluded some of the early messages. I'm not sure how it reads without proper context but here's the link. http://imgur.com/a/lFLpP
french16: REALLY?! first off she can go to jail for using her muay tai. I had a friend who was doing kick boxing and she had to register with the cops cus she wasnt allowed to use that stuff in anything other than clear self defense. Also what a sad bitch, some buy broke up with you ages ago and once he comes back you fight him in a fighting art that he doesnt know. I wish yu would have fought back or called the cops, thats not cool for her to do that especially since you were so nice to her. She makes other girls look bad.
Edit: Proof http://www.austlii.edu.au/au/legis/nsw/consol_act/csa2008170/
Drive4Show: > I had a friend who was doing kick boxing and she had to register with the cops cus she wasnt allowed to use that stuff in anything other than clear self defense.
No, she did not. That's not a thing. You can't walk into a police station and "register" yourself as a weapon.
french16: Obviously it didn't happen quite like. This was years ago so I could have changed and she doesn't compete anymore either. But she did have to do that
Drive4Show: No, she didn't. Because that's impossible. Assuming you live in the U.S., it's just not an option. There is no form. You can't just walk into a police station and announce that you're a deadly weapon and need to, I assume, "register your fists and feet". You'd be laughed out of the building.
TL;DR - She lied to you.
NeoMegamanX: This sounds more like that kid we all knew growing up who's "cousin's friend" works at Nintendo, knows all the secrets to all games and also is so amazing at fighting that the CIA has his number on speed dial...
Drive4Show: Wait, you mean my buddy Richard lied to me and his cousin's friend didn't work for Nintendo? That motherfucker...
NeoMegamanX: Not only that D: beating Super Mario 9 times without getting touched does not give you a machine gun that shoots shells D:
Drive4Show: Well, my whole life is a lie. Thanks Neo.
| 9 | 11.444444 | |
1407114925 | 1407192657 | t3_2cjq3x | t5_2to41 | 16 | TheBlackGing: TIFU by trusting an old friend
Before I get into this, let me explain a bit about my history as a person and my friend.
I'm a scumbag, or rather used to be. I used to be involved with petty crime a lot, which once built up to the rate I was involved in stupid acts you're more than just a nuisance - I could be described as a criminal. I should be in jail. Anyway, I'm not in jail. I have stopped being stupid mostly and focused on writing... Why? Well, this lady entered my life a year and a half ago or so. We talked, texted and got to know eachother a lot. She's an amazing person. At that time I didn't know what I wanted to do exactly, but I had an idea of what I wouldn't mind doing - going into the Film Industry was the most appealing and realistic one. Hence I started writing short synopsis' after she encouraged me to do so, giving me deadlines for my ideas and making sure I met them. If I didn't I was scolded. I even made a blog, and she bettered it by buying a better domain on Wordpress, made sure I wrote and since then I have become a recognised writer in my little community. Well on Twitter anyway. People even contact me to write for them. I was so happy that someone helped me through such a tough time, pushing me onto the path that hopefully becomes my career. The end goal is writing a film script and seeing it come to fruition, or having a novel published. Wouldn't mind both...
Anyway, after I started my second year of University our contact with eachother started to gradually fade away. I was saddened by this, I lost a friend kind of. Yet what she gave me was irreplaceable hence I always told myself one day I will pay her back. In my mind, I envisioned me on a podium, accepting an award and muttering "Wow.." into the microphone, glaring at the countless people in the audience, my idols and fellow writers maybe, with the lights blinding me - thanking her before anything else for giving me that start.
However, like most of my dreams, the possibility is somewhat destroyed. She contacted me rather urgently a few days ago, asking me if I was interested in doing something for money - a get quick rich scheme if you like. Knowing my past, this is not an opportunity I would necessarily avoid. It piqued my interest, so I heard her out. She wanted to use my paypal in a move by a hacker to withdraw money, which we split. I was shocked, this woman is absolutely wonderful, I believe she can do whatever she wanted if she applied herself (note; I hate this saying so much, but it is true. Although some people do not want to live by constraints, hence I understand the mental behind a potential criminal) - I was bamboozled that she would resort to such. She wasn't in a good position financially, so I wanted to help her a lot given our history.
Without a reasonable thought in my mind it didn't take a great deal convincing me to help. My paypal is never really used, crap service. So her, a friend, and an anonymous hacker all waited for my help accessing the paypal account. We did what we had to do. The hacker sent money, first to see if I was legit otherwise I would be stealing from him in some sense. It was only 200 dollars. I split it, and waited for the supposedly bigger drop. I asked how this works, initially what was said is that through Runescape credits are sold, along with accounts etc which made the money. How does this occur? Well people actually pay for these things. Why not through other accounts or even your own? Some of the accounts and credits, not entirely his. It seems the old demon in me was enticed, so I somewhat forced ignorance about the situation, since previously knowing the workings of such nobody really loses out - they'll be reimbursed by either Runescape or paypal right? (what a complete dickhead I am. I apologise)
After the first 200, I was given the idea that around 9800 more dollars were to come - which roughly is around 6000 pounds or so. Hence I waited. It didn't come. Two days later we are still asking this hacker what's occurring? He said the account he bought, is not working - he has lost his share of the money. At this point I dismissed by friend, as she was in need of this money urgently. I tried to go that extra step, and help fund the purchase of this account since this would have been legal - right?... So I have this hacker begging me for money, for two days, and my friend suffering. I felt awful about the situation, even though it was none of my business. I convinced myself it was a duty somewhat, and I do stupid things for my friends - which most of the time works to my benefit. So after discussing with this hacker, and a few nifty screenshots he sent me I was convinced enough to send him the 100 dollars of my share - and an additional 50 to buy the rest of the account which was potentially worth 14,000 dollars.
Immediately, I felt like a complete dickhead - what was I doing? Sending random money, to a complete stranger - for what reason? Was I still high? That's not even an excuse. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life. I was astonished. Despite this hacker claiming he will refund me, and some retarded sense of a familiarity with him over the past couple days - nearing a week, he didn't even vanish. He's just there. Arguing the guy scammed him once more. When in reality, I just gave away like 250 dollars for no reason. I even kind of argued with my friend, questioning her knowledge of this situation since it was guaranteed, worked more than several times, thing to her, you know? But you know, when I do it out the goodness and maybe deep down the greed within my heart - I get screwed over.
Next day, I woke up - email from paypal - "Dispute... payment to .... pending"
I felt sick. I still feel sick. I'm so angry. I fucked up. My semen is suspended in the air. Lesson learned. Life is not a fucking movie.
SHUMAGORATH7: Yeah I used to print checks to pay for college then my gf got involved and I got greedy. I can did nine months for her and basically demoted myself and ruined my reputation. Not sure who I am Some days or what I will become but I'll say this bro. If it seems too easy stay away from it... Hell even pussy. (Make a movie about my life story lol)
TheBlackGing: I hear that... I guess I will. It's not worth it at all. Does sound like a good plot to be honest
SHUMAGORATH7: If you're for real I can give you a lil more in depth up to u tho
PS if someone ever mentions runescape and money slap them
| 4 | 4 | |
1407126118 | 1407214607 | t3_2ck6bu | t5_2to41 | 99 | TheJewperHero: TIFU by wearing my jizz rag to work
So today, I had to interview some people at work. During these interviews I sit with one or two of my coworkers, my boss and a representative from HR. I ask my first question and ignore a slight itch in my shirt. The itch gets worse and worse. Also, there's this kind of funky smell that I can't quite identify. And damn, this itch won't go away.
All of a sudden it hit me. Yesterday, after procrasterbating, I cleaned up with the nearest piece of cloth I could find and threw it on the floor. When I got dressed this morning, I was in a rush and grabbed the first dress shirt I could find. It wasn't until I am sitting right next to my boss wearing my jizz rag that I realize what I've done. The rest of the interview was rather uncomfortable, as I'm almost positive my boss identified that smell.
tl;dr didn't clean up the jizz rag, work it to an interview.
Teotwawki69: If you have the kind of job where you're interviewing people, you can probably afford to buy some dedicated jizz rags or invest in a ten pack of athletic socks meant solely for scooping up your baby batter.
On the other hand, if you go to said job wearing a shirt stained with your own man chowder, maybe you don't deserve that job...
Stompthemwaffles: Never have I understood the use of socks for cleaning up wiener gravy. Why the hell not just grab a paper towel?!
rjchau: What's wrong with a bath towel that's seen better days and retired from it's actual purpose?
Stompthemwaffles: I'll allow it
| 5 | 19.8 | |
1407129109 | 1407134456 | t3_2cka54 | t5_2to41 | 2 | zucchiniboat: TIFU by doing a drug I thought was coke
Two nights ago I was drinking heavily and I thought it was a good idea to get online and find a peice of ass. I ended up taking a cab to a guy thirty minutes or so from my house. I had hooked up with him before and he always had coke, and being drunk I thought fuck ya sex and a little fun too. So I get there and we do our business and then he asks me if I want to party. I say yes and we do two snail sized lines on the nightstand. I'm immediately tripping out of my mind. Don't get me wrong I've done coke many of times but I immediately know this is different. I still have no Idea what it was/is (meth?/Crack?) But the last two days have been absolute hell. If you are as naive as me then please be careful out there. Actually be careful if you're smart too ;) Still feeling the effects. Never again.
BootyPapa: This is why I only stick to weed.
Bnlol1: Hell, i don't do weed, but it's the only drug i ever will even try. Everything else fucks you up really badly in the long run.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407129675 | 1407131302 | t3_2ckave | t5_2to41 | 5 | vintagemisery: TIFU by swallowing a pill wrong
So I'm sick. Like, really sick. I have some kind of horrible death cold, and have been lying in bed for 24 hours. I just took 2 NyQuil gel capsules, and the second pill went down horribly wrong. Now, I can feel it stuck in my esophogus, and it's incredibly painful.
TL;DR: pill stuck in food tube, many pain.
[deleted]: Just how many ways are there to swallow a pill? Did you put it in a wrong hole or something?
vintagemisery: I'm not exactly sure how it happened. It went down sideways. I've never done this before, so I didn't think it was possible.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407128371 | 1407625334 | t3_2ck99u | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by not asking a girl out
To start this happens 2 days ago. also its my first post on reddit soooo bare with me.
So for the past couple of days our kitchen was being remodeled so the carpenter disconnected the fridge and the oven. So cause of that I have been having DD (dunkin donuts) for breakfast. Every morning I see this Caucasian girl "Ashley" ( gonna call her that to keep her anonymous). So last time I went in I had just woken up and when I wake up my eyes are bloodshot red. Looks like I took a hit of the finest grass on earth. So I order two breakfast sandwiches one for me and one for my older sister. So through the order mic I say "can I get a large caramel mocha iced coffee. ?" She than replies while giggling " its a mocha caramel iced coffee ". ( I never knew it really mattered but whatever)
So than I pull up to the window.
This is when the fun begins.
So. As I pull up to the window I see this beautiful Caucasian women. She was done real right. I was in awe. I saw the grimy brown badge which simply said "ASHLEY" . As I pull even closer I couldn't help but smile. In the back of my head I knew there was something about her. So sheepishly I hand her the money. We briefly touch tips and she giggles. I look at her and cant help but let out a giggle as well. My eyes still blood shot red and my hair a mess. She loudly but cutely says "had along night?." Me taking this as an opportunity to be funny say " hell yeah. Soooooo long."
She giggles even louder and asks me more questions. But questions is all she has. I play along and pretend to be high as a mother fucker. She than asks "you must be hungry" I proclaim "hell yeahhhh" ( in my T.I. voice.) Than she scurries back and makes be the best damn coffee I have ever tasted in my miniscule life. That's when I knew there truly is a god and he's watching out for me. I hastily grab the cup from her hand and our hands touch yet again. I smile and start sipping on this heavenly coffee. In my mind I thank god for this encounter knowing I had done nothing to deserve it. She smiles at me and says " wow you definitely had a looooooong night. Wish I was their haha." I smile at her and say, "Next time you will." She winks. My heart flutters. I knew in my mind.
She was the straw to my coffee. She was the mocha to my milk. She was the sugar to my drink. She cutely says "can you please pull up their for your food. ? " I look her in the eyes and in the most goofy ass way I ask her were? " she laughs and points to a parking spot on the side which says. DD DELIVERY. I feel like an idiot. She says "see you later?" I say "I'll definitely catch you later." I pull over to the side . A chubby Caucasian man with a flustered red face hands me my order than says "your good". I smile and I quickly revved my vans engine and floored the fuck out of there. (I drive a 2007 Nissan quest BTW) Its been two days since I have seen my princess. Tomorrow is another weekday and I hope to eat breakfast their again. I pray to god on this blessed night that I see her. Something about her lit a fire in my heart. Tomorrow I pray I have the courage to say something together. Cause tomorrow might be the last time I wake up at 10 fucking am on a Weekday during summer. So hopefully I grow some steel balls tonight . cause I have a feeling tomorrow is gonna be a good day. On a side note. I hope I don't get sued for sexual harassment. But I guess at this point all it is, is an afterthought.
*guess its not really a fuck up. but tomorrow I'm gonna ask her out. so it might be a fuck up tomorrow. wish me luck?
* also have no idea where to post this but had to vent.
*my van
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/63/2007-Nissan-Quest.jpg
Update 1: To start I woke up this morning and read all the comments and got pretty hyped. I was ready to ask her. I took a shower freshened up. At 10:30 I drove down to DD. Longest drive of my life. As I'm going there I'm super nervous. I tell myself to stop being a pussy. I plugged in my phone to the AUX and start bumping DMX - Where the hood at? To get myself pumped. I'm going to DD I'm yelling and getting real crazy. I pull in to the drive thru. 4 cars ahead of me. I read through the comments again. I'm ready. I give my order. At this time I should've known something was wrong. She didn't take my order. Sounds like a guy. Whatever I think. Maybe she's cooking today? I pull up to the drive thru window. Its some young ass kid smiling at me. Shit. I look past him to the kitchen she's not there. I was so ready to ask her. I grab my shit and go around DD just to check if she's inside. Nope. Shes not inside. I get the fuck outta there and go home. Maybe it wasn't meant to be after all? I think I'll go tomorrow. Maybe she just wasn't working today? Ahhh I was so pumped now I'm back to being nervous and my hearts beating mad quick.
Also I apologize for this being soooo long.
mayeslad: Update tomorrow OP?
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| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1407129309 | 1407189066 | t3_2ckae9 | t5_2to41 | 354 | ItsSatineActually: TIFU... By eating my favorite food (Possibly NSFW)
This might be a little long because of the lead-up, so bare with me. This happened today (well, technically yesterday butcha know).
So day before yesterday, I had my favorite food. What is that you might ask? Shrimp and broccoli, some sticky rice and an eggroll. Deeelishus.
So I went out and got the dinner for my family and I, (they buy I fly), and eat my eggroll on the way home. Well... Half of it, really. I thought the eggroll tasted a little tangier than usual and it wasn't sitting right with me. Oh well. The restaurant we usually get from is a hit/miss place. I just hoped my shrimp and broccoli is okay.
Fast forward to home. My grandma had just arrived after a 10-hour trip, and was tired, so instead of the dinner table we sit on the couch. I have my usual spot, I put my plate down on my side table and settle- and I grub. I grubbed so hard that until 4-5 bites in, I didn't taste anything. I was starving after a long day at work and cleaning afterwards.
But on the sixth or seventh bite, I stop and stare at my food while chewing.. And I realized something.
This good didn't taste good at -all-.
So I push my plate away a minute and got my thinking cap on.
Do I A. Stop eating it, and feel guilty about wasting good we bought?
B. Complain about the food, getting the same guilt as A?
Or C. Finish half of it, claim full and then snack on something later.
I chose C.
So I keep eating it, and I finished a little under half of it before I push it away- rubbing my tummy and thanking everyone. Then I go lay down, and go to sleep.
Worst, fucking, mistake, ever.
So before I go into the bad part, my dad gets up at two hour intervals because of a sleep problem, and he takes the dogs out.
Well, fast forward a couple hours, and I wake up. My stomach literally gives this roar of protest, and twitches and vibrates as I put my hand on it. I sit up, and I think: Shit, I must be hungry.
So I get up, and start looking for clothes- only to realize that I felt like shit. I also realize it's four A.M.- and I went to bed at eleven thirty ish. I have to be awake in 3 1/2 hours for work.
And then my stomach rumbles again, and then... My mouth starts to water, and I feel a certain, sickly unease.
I don't know why I stood there as long as I did- naked and staring at my dresser, but I did. And just as I think I'm okay, my stomach explodes- and I projectile vomit all over my dresser. I move towards the bathroom, and it was like a shit cork- solid turd and then this nasty yellowish liquid all down my leg. I immediately start sobbing, and run out into my hallway- only to see my dad looking up at me with wide eyes.
"What the FUCK Brook?!"
I sob, and run into the bathroom- shitting more down my leg and just barely making it to the toilet- where I miss completely, splashing puke all over the lid.
My mom comes running down the hallway, along with my grandma who has been a nurse for fourth years, and I feel shame as they walk in. My grandma, being the no-shit woman she is, goes, "Awe hell. She's got food poisoning."
My mom runs into my bedroom- grabs a robe that barely fit me anymore, and on the way back slips in shit slime and almost face plants into the bathroom sink. And for the rest of the night, (until about 9 AM), I puke my guys out into a trash can while I had a constant flow of slime into the toilet. My grandma almost threatened to call an ambulance- trying to figure out if she could start an IV on me. They opted for Gatorade and vitamin C instead. I eventually ended up in a bathtub of hot water, a hot wet towel on top so nothing was uncovered, and slept the rest of the day.
So now, I'm wide awake... And feeling like shit still. Even worse that I realize both my grandma and mom cleaned up my mess while I was in a shit-vomit haze.
MikeRabsitch: Before vomiting, the mouth starts to water so the saliva protects your mouth from the stomach acids. Basically your body knows it's about to throw up even before you do. Not that this info helps you now, but it's a good warning for next time.
MaxFrenzy: Yup..that is my cue that it's time to make haste to the bathroom. It's also part of the reason you'll often see people spit several times into the toilet before they blow.
ignoramusaurus: I often watch people being sick in toilets.
[deleted]: It's not a very uncommon sight if you party.
Edit: or if you're just an alcoholic. Vomiting is extremely common in those formative years of alcoholism.
highso: It's a cake walk after that though
TheAryanBrotherhood: Worked through a hangover today. Didn't puke. Felt accomplished.
| 7 | 50.571429 | |
1407133536 | 1407135438 | t3_2ckf93 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by being busted for 4 things at the same time (potentially NSFW)
So... I live with my parents, and they are really strict, to the point that they limited me to use the computer only before 23:00. But I've managed to take that out, without them knowing it of course. And, also, they don't know I, ocasionally, smoke some weed. And that I have a boyfriend.
So, one day, after they were asleep, I managed to make my BF come through my bedroom window. We saw some stuff on the internet, smoked a little, and then had sex. During the act we might have been a little to loud, because they came in. So... my parents found out that I:
a) Have removed the limit to the computer
b) Smoke Weed
c) Am gay
d) Have a boyfriend
TL;DR: Parents walked on me using the computer (not allowed), having sex with my boyfriend (I am gay) and saw my weed
EDIT: Forgot to tell I was kicked out?
Teotwawki69: [On the other hand](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/28ex43/tifu_by_forgetting_i_am_schizofrenic/)...
Tondor7419: my friend uses the same account as me ahahahahaha. It's a great way to know what we are doing: my checking the inbox. Also, he tends to forget a lot of things due to his "disease", so it's easier to keep track of things
Teotwawki69: Yeah... no.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1407134367 | 1407151563 | t3_2ckg4q | t5_2to41 | 8 | Rollinblacks: TIFU by getting up too fast and pissing
Alright, last night I knocked out completely because I was on some medication. Mostly painkillers n Xanax. So I fell asleep on the couch and woke up this morning. As I get up everything's kinda fuzzy and shit and it really annoys me because I've never been this dizzy after popping pills or drinking or anything like that. So I wake up and get up because I have to piss really bad.
Well just know that there's one bathroom that's literally like 5 steps away from my couch/living room. You know when you're laying down or sitting down for a long time and you suddenly get up you have a mini blackout in your brain. You can't stand still and everything goes black. Yea well that happened to me as I was stumbling to the bathroom with my pants pulled low enough for me to piss and as I was trying to piss my brain had that mini blackout and let me say that the dizziness from the medication didn't help either.
So I'm about to piss when the mini blackout hits and next thing you know I lean forward while the golden stream is unleashing from my disco stick because when you blackout you don't even know what's happening. So my bladder decides to let loose while my brain shuts down temporarily and my whole body momentum is going forward and next thing you know, I fall down forwards like someone did a crossover of the year move on me and hit my forehead on the upper part of the toilet where like you can take the lid off n stuff.
The impact of the hit makes me even more dizzer and I'm trying to figure out what in the jesus fuck happened while my dick misses the toilet completely because I'm in some sort of 70 degree angle bent over. Peed all over the floor on my feet n legs.
TLDR; popped meds. Passes out. Woke up dizzy n had mini blackout in the bathroom from getting up too quick. Dick sprays everywhere like shooting in COD.
rockstang: Sounds like you have a problem.
Rollinblacks: If you're wondering about the meds I had surgery recently so yea those are for that. :|
rockstang: First of all, your comments are laden with drug conversations. Second you just bragged about getting fucked up to the point of collapsing, injuring yourself, and peeing your pants. You are not using as prescribed by mixing with xanax post surgery. Hey do what you want... If I am way off I apologize, but in my experience where there is smoke there is fire. :|
fredinvisible: I don't see any bragging in this post.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1407131129 | 1407135185 | t3_2ckckt | t5_2to41 | 17 | TheAlphaBlob: TIFU by sneezing at an airport.
WColt: ohgod thats hilarious, im still laughing about it. thank you for sharing this with us <3
TheAlphaBlob: No worries <3
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1407134799 | 1407156440 | t3_2ckgml | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU- By punching an old guy in the face
TIFU-Earlier this night I went to a party which was conviently located at an abandoned house. The kid had moved the week earlier and left us the keys. We had been partying there for about a week but tonight put an end to that. I was downstairs with a couple of my friends playing beer pong when all of a sudden we heard footsteps running upstairs and then a mature female voice. Me and my friends hid in a back room. However we soon heard footsteps coming downstairs. Acting quickly one of my friends punched in the window and out we started to go. Outside th window however was the older neighbor of about 65. As he began to yell at us my friends ran off. He grabbed me by the collar and attempted to restrain me(since a young age I've had a fear of close contact). I instinctively reacted and punched him in the stomach and then ran off. Still a fun night.
Tl;dr: Went to a party at an abandoned house, escaped and punched an old man
Dick__Marathon: >TIFU by punching an old man in the face.
>I instinctively reacted and punched him in the stomach and then ran off.
So where did you punch him op?
**Edit:** A wrod
woodsie1995: I don't think she pinched him anywhere
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407135314 | 1407166727 | t3_2ckh4f | t5_2to41 | 11 | AdvocateOfTheHelix: TIFU by reading posts on r/tifu NSFW
This actually happened earlier today around 1:00 pm my time. So I'm very happy for the accurate TIFU well anyway.
This happened at work and I was on break in a separate break room at an amusement park in the Northern U.S.A. While I'm on break Im usually on Reddit or tumblr. I was on reddit (obviously) and I was scanning the hot and new TIFUs (its one of my favorite subreddits) and I noticed I was running late to end my break.. it was a terrifying feeling at first and I got up and walked back to my store as fast as. I could. When I got back, I went to the backroom where my supervisor told me I still had five more minutes. I was relieved and immediately went tried to go back to reddit but I accidently touched the tumblr app and I had a 'hey why not?' Attitude now. I'm a 17 year old male and I do get dirty feelings and thoughts like any other guy my age.. but I don't follow perverted blogs on tumblr, that being said that doesn't mean ill look away.. a friend of mine reblogged a dirty pic and right when I started to examine the pic, the supervisor walks in and tells my time is up. I become nervous and hide my.phone and go back to work as fast as i can. In my haste.. to get behind the cash register, space was limited so I squeezed myself and my limbs completely. My left arm betrayed me at this point, it slipped and touched my supervisors' back and it was at this moment when I covered it by doing the ol' dropped my pen trick. And it would've worked.. if I accidently hadn't buried my face in a pretty co-worker's round ass that was in the way. She immediately moved.out.of the way and gave me a look of anger mixed with embarrassment, the supervisor saw everything and I stood there and received a bunch of yelling followed by 'what the hell.is wrong with you'. It was embarrassing, normally I would be jumping joy in a way, but the entire reason I have tumblr is because of my girlfriend. I got sent home, and I don't think ill be able to have a normal conversation with either of them again without that being brought up in some way by them... But that booty tho.
Tl;dr : I was late to get back to work because of reddit and tumblr, and that made me get into a hurry where I fucked up by trying to make some accidental touching less awkward, by bending.down and then my face in a co-worker' nice.ass
DonkeyTooth: You need to step your fucking story telling and grammar game up playa. Shit had me all kinds of confused for a minute. Did you sniff that bitches asshole at least?
AdvocateOfTheHelix: I think so ;)
Sorry about that, my phone's keyboard randomly puts in periods and I don't notice most of them
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407133403 | 1407187620 | t3_2ckf3z | t5_2to41 | 25 | outstanding83: Tifu by grabbing the wrong bottle [nsfw]
Happend today, so I'm home alone and decide to take a shower, well leading up to this shower I see some hot things on the front page of my reddit app and decide fuck it ill rub one out, so I get to the point where I need lubricant and grab a bottle, this bottle was aloe vera gel, at first it was kinda nice and warmed it up so I said cool thisll work, at this point the air conditioning kicks on and ours is real nice you can feel the breeze from it, so all of the sudden my dick gets freezing cold and so cold it burns, even after washing that shit off it still was so cold because it rubbed into the skin. Tldr aloe vera feels nice at first for masturbation but gets so cold it burns
sobok: Is it just 100% aloe vera?
Edit: because I've heard from several sources that pure aloe vera works as a lube.
weirdbutinagoodway: "from several sources"
sobok: Hey. Two is several.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1407137299 | 1407172734 | t3_2ckj7p | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by answering a phone call rudely.
So I'm moving into my senior year of high school, and I'm going to be in the chamber singers (my school's most advanced choral group). Earlier today, the instructor (to be referred as Mr. A) calls me from a blocked number (No caller ID). I assumed this was the crank caller who has been harassing me on and off for a few weeks so I answer with "You better hang the fuck up right now before I find you and castrate you". Except it wasn't a crank call. It was Mr. A. "Hello, is this AWildAmericanApeared?" I hear. "Yes, who is this?" "It's Mr. A... I wanted to make sure you know about the Chamber Choir get together next week before school starts.... blah blah blah".
I wanted to die. I apologized so many times you'd think I was /u/awildcanadianapeared . I'm still mortified.
TL;DR: If the number's blocked let it go to voicemail. If it's important, they'll leave a message.
dropyoursoap: a *crank* phone call?
johnnywacko: Crank Yankers!!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407140005 | 1407194716 | t3_2cklw5 | t5_2to41 | 1,894 | watching-you-breath: TIFU by buying sex toys from my Mother
Happened about 20 minutes ago.
While at work today I got a message from my mother telling me that she had a job and today is her first day, I congratulate her, ask her what she is doing and she skips the question saying she will tell me later.
So later in the day my partner asks me to pick up her order of sextoys I store to save some money, no big deal the store she ordered from is not far away.
Now the "Toy Store" is an old Blockbuster video store and is always staffed by two people. I walk in say hi to the usual older lady in store and ask about my partners order giving the details she gave me. She says she will go get it. She heads out back and a minute later her and my mother walk out of the back room with a box.
Stunned I greeted my mother, who never looked me in the eyes. She gave a very awkward hug as I left and said she would call me later.
Tldr
Mum got job at sex toy store, now knows mine and my partners fetishes.
Thanks to Cyae1 for the Narration-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Iy35md3HYg&index=33&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6
thegoodbadandsmoggy: Well, what was in the box?
watching-you-breath: One glass buttplug, a wivibe, handcuffs and lube. There's a bit more
thegoodbadandsmoggy: meh, could be worse.
larrythelarvitar: *There's a bit more*
Ootooloo: One pickled octopus, three hamsters, a trombone, lasagna, maracas, a gallon of milk, onions, a shovel, salt, kerosene and a lighter.
h0ldmeclosetonydanza: and a partridge in a pear tree.
ThePickledMick: And a half eaten sandwich. You know...
cantgrowneckbeardAMA: And my axe!
JonnyWass: moms spaghetti
jpdubbbs: Thats so tractor
| 11 | 172.181818 | |
1407140143 | 1407200036 | t3_2ckm0m | t5_2to41 | 1,665 | prezident_kennedy: TIFU by leaving my earbud in my ear for 9 months
Well this technically started 9 months ago and ended a week ago but whatever.
So I had a pair of those Skullcandy in-ear headphones. The ones with those tiny little silicone nubs that rest in your ear canal. I went to take them out by just yanking down on the cable. What I found was that the speakers were out but I could still feel the pressure of that nub in my left ear.
So naturally, I flip the fuck out. I jam my pinky into my ear to only force it deeper into my skull. Now I am truly fucked. So I go grab a q-tip and broke the cotton tip off of one of the ends. I try to strategically insert it into the center hole of the nub but only push it inches closer to my brain.
I decide that I should just leave it there, calm the fuck down, and deal with it later. My hyper crack hands weren't doing the trick. Keep in mind I told no one about this to prevent myself from looking like a total fucking idiot.
I end up forgetting about it for 9 whole months. What the fuck. So a little over a week ago, the hearing in my left ear just sounds a little off. It sounded almost muffled. It hits me, that stupid silicone demon is still buried deep in my hearing hole.
So instead of going insane again, I think of the best way to dislodge this thing from my face. I got it! A micro flathead screw driver! I lay the right side my head on the bathroom counter and very carefully shove this tool into my ear. I get it into that center hole and dragged that bastard out.
This thing was coated in ear wax, scabs, and blood. Wait... scabs and blood? Yup. At that moment I stand up and blood just starts slowly pouring out of my ear canal. I carefully use a q-tip to slowly clean out my ear which was loaded with wax and blood.
Soon after I took that douchebag earbud outside , soaked it in gasoline, and set it on fire. My hearing is all good now. I got a checkup at the doctor's office and he gave me the all clear.
TL;DR
Lodged an ear bud in my ear 9 months ago and finally removed it a week ago. Shit was gross.
crimsontideftw24: some things are easy to forget.
an earbud lodged into your skull?
not so much.
so how exactly did you forget?
prezident_kennedy: I don't even know. My memory is normally spot on.
PicturePurrrrfect: Good ol' cognitive dissonance. I am always amazed by these stories of people "forgetting". Just like the girl who had a sex toy in her vagina for 10 years.
mec05160: Please link the story.
CaptainPatent: http://boingboing.net/2014/07/28/sex-toy-in-womans-vagina-for.html
atlamarksman: I'm pretty sure I saw this on the Onion
CaptainPatent: You're close, you probably saw it on /r/nottheonion.
**Source:** http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/comments/2bxz6h/woman_discovers_sex_toy_had_been_in_her_vagina/
atlamarksman: I didn't actually think there was a difference. Are you saying all those articles are actually real?
CaptainPatent: /r/nottheonion is dedicated to news that *sounds* like satire, but is actually true.
Note the opening blurb on the nottheonion front page:
> ###Welcome to r/NotTheOnion
> For **true stories** that are so mind-blowingly ridiculous, that you could have sworn it was an [Onion story](http://www.theonion.com/).
Also note the first line of the refinery29 story:
> "It sounds like a fake news headline, but it's true: A 38-year-old Scottish woman walked into a hospital to discover that a sex toy had been lodged in her vagina for 10 years..."
If you couldn't distinguish /r/nottheonion from an onion article, they obviously have done their job... but that article appears to be 100% true as it was also picked up by:
* [The Huffington Post](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/24/sex-toy-stuck-womans-vagina-10-years_n_5617590.html)
* [Fox News](http://www.foxnews.com/health/2014/07/24/surgeons-find-10-year-old-sex-toy-inside-woman-body/)
* [The Daily Mail](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2704017/Surgeons-discover-5-inch-sex-toy-womans-vagina-10-YEARS.html)
* [The New York Post](http://nypost.com/2014/07/24/woman-had-sex-toy-stuck-in-vagina-for-10-years/)
* [The Toronto Sun](http://www.torontosun.com/2014/07/24/woman-faced-major-health-problems-after-leaving-sex-toy-in-vagina-for-a-decade)
* [NY Daily News](http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/surgeons-discover-sex-toy-scottish-woman-vagina-10-years-article-1.1879885)
* [IB Times](http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/scottish-woman-had-sex-toy-left-inside-vagina-10-years-without-even-realising-1458376)
and quite a few more, although those appear to be the more reliable sources (for non-political articles, that is.)
atlamarksman: Haaahaha...
.
.
.
Fox News..
I would sooner trust The Onion.
CaptainPatent: > (for non-political articles, that is.)
The exact reason I put this disclaimer in.
^^^As ^^^much ^^^as ^^^I ^^^hate ^^^to ^^^admit ^^^it, ^^^for ^^^non-political ^^^articles, ^^^they're ^^^quite ^^^good.
^^^^^HuffPo ^^^^^can ^^^^^get *^^^^^a ^^^^^little* ^^^^^overly ^^^^^editorial ^^^^^in ^^^^^political ^^^^^articles ^^^^^too.
| 12 | 138.75 | |
1407141055 | 1407142436 | t3_2ckmr6 | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by mistaking water for hard alcohol
This is actually my old friends' fuck up. As we sit here going through old memories together, we remember this gem.
Back when we were 14, summer of 2010, me and my 2 friends were having a sleepover; Rachel and Grace. We are all at Rachel's house playing games on the Wii, and Grace gets thirsty. She spies a bottle of water on a table, and asks Rachel if she can have some water. Rachel says sure but she doesn't know who's it is. Our families were all pretty close so Grace thought it was no biggy. She then proceeds to drink the water.
Except it wasn't water. It was vodka and Grace then starts gagging and crying because her poor innocent mind has just been subjected to hard alcohol. Looking back, we laugh about it pretty hard.
BootyPapa: So how is this your fuck up?
MRS_CAPS: I thought it was something funny that would fit here, and not all of the TIFU's in this subreddit are from the op
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1407144912 | 1407146306 | t3_2ckpvq | t5_2to41 | 16 | Reallyjustwhy: TIFU by having my first wet dream at my friends house
Dearest reddit,
I tried to master lucid dreaming and the like in my teens, but nothing of any sort let me have wet dreams, so I figured I was incapable.
On an unfortunately related note, I had nowhere to stay last night so he allowed me to kip over in his vacated parents' bed.
It was comfy, as soon as I lay down I felt at home, and I even declined a text from my mom asking for me to go home saying I'd already settled and be there tomorrow
Then I had a dream about yu-gi-oh cards and casual debate, and here we are.
I lay there in disbelief when I woke up in climax, and have since rushed around their house looking for their laundry room, which I cant find and think switching out the sheets would look dodgy.
I opened a window to let the smell escape.
I don't know how to replace the sheets or how my friend will respond to this, but I am currently hunched over their family computer in my cumstained jocks so if anybody has advice I would really love it.
I will update with how this ends.
officialAZE: I think you should go look for sheets....thats all i will say
Reallyjustwhy: There is a stack of fresh sheets in a cupboard I found, but none of them are quite the same colour so people will know I needed to switch the sheets?
officialAZE: bro no they wont.. do it right now! dont stop change the sheets.. and take the dirty ones with you.. clean them at your house.. next time you go to friends house put it right at the bottom of the pile
Reallyjustwhy: I've a bag of my stuff locked in the boot of his car from after he drove me to his, should I risk walking to mine and washing his stuff and walking back?
He's been asleep for five hours but it's bright out
EDIT: two miles to mine?
officialAZE: oh dude.. just run to yours.. and come back and say u forget to get something important.. do a chore..medication.. ext.. gl
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1407142477 | 1407177773 | t3_2cknvu | t5_2to41 | 19 | Touboku: Tifu by opening fermented strawberry lemonade.
Today, Monday morning, I found a strawberry lemonade that I left in my school bag on Friday after work. It was just home made lemonade, strawberries, fresh lemon, water and agave. It was also in a plain plastic reusable bottle with a screw on cap. It has been recently hot here in LA and I left my school bag in a very very hot car the whole weekend.
Today I brought my bag inside the house, so then I could pack for work and school, and behold I found a bottle of lemonade. Wondering if it was still good I picked it up and sadly right when I tried to open it the entire top half of the bottle and cap exploded leaving a huge hole in my ceiling, and the smell of ferment strawberries all over my carpet and desk chair. There are shards of sharp plastic around my room, on my desk and stuck in my ceiling.
The explosion was so loud and the impact was so unwittingly huge that my sister thought a shotgun went off in my room and was about to call 911. I have regretted it decision on opening this lemonade bomb in my house since now I have to pay and fix for the hole in my ceiling.
Tldr; made homemade lemonade, left in a hot car all weekend, it became a bomb when I opened it. Shards of plastic and huge hole now in my ceiling.
TheEnKrypt: There's a hole in your ceiling because of old lemonade?
Either your ceiling is made of cardboard or I'm not aware of the concrete shattering ingredients in fermented lemonade.
Also, considering it exploded in your hand and the sharp plastic shards, I hope you're not hurt.
tobobo36: There's nothing a shit tonne of pressure cant break. Seriously though, surprised OP isn't writing this after a visit to e.r with plastic shards lodged in their chest.
Touboku: It almost hit me. I could've been logged with a huge piece of plastic in my arm but instead it hit my wall instead.
TheEnKrypt: If you're telling me that you're absolutely unhurt, then you didn't fuck up. Your exploding lemonade did.
Touboku: I have no shrapnel in me but I am bruised. So yes the lemonade fucked up.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1407147593 | 1407173214 | t3_2cks4l | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking meth, drinking and then pissing in a toilet at a party.
Smoked meth.
Get to party and have a great time.
Ask where the toilet is.
I didn't bother closing the toilet door because the toilet was downstairs. So I start pissing and I forgot how absolutely uncontrollable your stream becomes when you're fucked on stimulants and alcohol.
I unleashed an absolute torrent of piss that went everywhere.
During mid piss the party decided to move down stairs. Everyone saw what I was doing. I panicked and got piss all over my jeans.
Fucking never going to be able to face any of these people again.
Tinkle84: The meth is where your fuck up begins and ends.
[deleted]: Why's that?
Tinkle84: http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2c68zo/faces_of_meth/
Keep smoking champ!
[deleted]: Fake.
Sure meth can fuck you up like that but that is fake.
Voyager5555: Tooth retention apparently isn't that important to you.
johnnywacko: OK Dr Spaceman.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1407150412 | 1407167663 | t3_2ckulu | t5_2to41 | 16 | tomthetrololol: TIFU by having sex with my Ex. UPDATE
For those who don't know here's the original story ( http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cd4c4/tifu_by_having_sex_with_my_ex/ )
I'm a mug and I know it. But I really don't care. I spent the evening with her last night, nothing happened, and we had a real heart to heart. I told her how I felt and that I will keep my anger in check from now on and have signed up for counselling. I also told her that I just don't want to see her get hurt because I know what this guy is like. He deals drugs, cocaine and exstacy, is an immature ass hole who's own parents won't let home. He'll just use her for a month and then kick her to the curb, total scum bag. She agreed to tell me the whole truth from now on and it seems that she genuinely is. while we spoke Sunday night (we meet Saturday night to talk and spoke on the phone Sunday) she told me that he was at her mothers, who she lives with now, because he had no where else to go. This made me mad but I had to keep myself in check, I did but made it clear I didn't want him any where near her but had to respect that it's her choice. She didn't sound very happy about the fact he was there as she knows I'm right about him using her. They work in the same hospital so I asked if she was going to give him a lift to work and she said not and that he has his bike and can take that. I'm not stupid so I'm going to go to her house and check that he took it, she got to work late this morning so that adds to my suspicions. I may also go and talk to her mother.
we went back to talking again where she explained to me that the reason she doesn't know if she wants to be with me any more is because of my anger. She's afraid to talk to me because I fly off the handle about little things. As said before I do have a temper but I've never done more then shout, never hit her or smash anything. I suspect I have some sort of bipolar, I'm not a doctor and don't know, as it can literally be like a switch. As I said I'm going to go to some group counselling and hopefully learn to manager my anger.
We're planning to meet up again tonight and talk but I'm not sure what I'm going to say this time. I'm not totally convinced she's not playing me for a fool but I hope she isn't I really love her still and know that she's only doing this for a stupid crush.
Again advice and comments welcome! please don't tell me to never talk to her again because I honestly don't want her not in my life.
L37: I have a girlfriend of three years and if she did sth. like that to me I could never trust her again and tell her to go fuck herself.
"I don't want to see her hurt" seems to me like ur liying to yourself.
What would she have to do, to make you dump her ultimately?
tomthetrololol: I don't know if you read the other thread but we did agree to an semi open relationship. I don't really care she slept with someone it's the fact she hid it and lied.
L37: "it's the fact she hid it and lied." yeah, that's what i meant as well.
I did read your first thread and would dump her as fast as possible
tomthetrololol: Fair enough, guess we're just different people.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1407147585 | 1407180509 | t3_2cks4b | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by having relations with my boyfriend in the living room.
Ok, so this just happened probably an hour ago.
I was at my boyfriend's house and we were alone. His parents were in bed and we usually use this time to our advantage by having "sexy time." In the past I have been nervous about doing it in the living room but this time the mood was just right and I decided it would be ok. Nope.
We start getting carried away and are completely naked on the couch when I hear a door open. I fling off him and jump to the closest place I could hide behind. Well, I accidentally jumped too far and banged my head on the fire place bricks. Then I hit my knee on the same fire place, and finally, I crawled behind a big recliner-type thing.
I'm cowering in fear behind this recliner, naked, while my boyfriend's dad barges in the room to see his son covered in only a blanket on the couch alone. The dad was only looking for sleeping medicine I guess. So the dad rumages around the kitchen looking for pills while my boyfriend quickly clothes himself under the blanket and says he fell asleep watching tv.
How could this guy not have seen me? Well I guess he didn't because little naked me hid behind that recliner so well he just went to bed like nothing happened.
Once he left, I got up and my boyfriend giggled a little. He got off scotch free. I, on the other hand, now have a giant bump and cut on my eye and my knee is swollen a little bit.
tl;dr had sexy time with boyfriend but banged my head and knee on fire place while escaping embarrassment of getting caught by his father
Rosati: > He got off scotch free
Scot-free
FTFY
HankMardewkus: Nah I think she meant there was no father-son bonding with scotch. Pity really.
Rosati: You might be right. Either way, we know he definitely got off.
| 4 | 3 | |
1407155849 | 1407248366 | t3_2cl0a7 | t5_2to41 | 378 | kalitarios: TIFU by browsing Reddit instead of picking up my boss at the airport
Normally the first thing I do is check my voice messages and any priority 1/critical issues that floated in overnight. Today I got in and fired up Reddit and relaxed, as the office wasn't very busy this morning.
However, I completely forgot to check my mobile phone for text/voice messages and got too comfortable. By the time I fat-fingered my iPhone's non-digital VM password (yeah, cost savings mode by the company, blah blah blah) - I suddenly realized I should have been 50 miles from here picking my boss up at the airport an hour ago.
So naturally, I'm typing this in full expectation of an earful when the boss arrives in a taxi. So much for cost savings on travel. What's worse, is that we have a travel ban in effect, no one in the company should be traveling as we use Cisco Telepresence, which we spent millions on.
By not picking him up, he has now missed his weekly meeting with his own direct report, which will find out that my manager was traveling and most likely start the proverbial shitball rolling downhill.
TL;DR: I decided to Reddit instead of picking up my boss from the airport, who in turn missed their weekly teleconference with their boss and got caught traveling. Thanks, Reddit! *sips coffee*
Update: Boss has a TP meeting with the Director this afternoon. He also won't return my emails.
biderjohn: he needs to not break his own rules. what good for one is good for all. also how do you guys like the telepresence rooms?
gravityapple: They're shit. Wrecked my golf trips.
biderjohn: how? you did a video con call while on the golf course?
gravityapple: No - can't travel to satellites anymore to meet with people, it's all done via those stupid rooms now.
biderjohn: gotcha. bummer.
| 6 | 63 | |
1407155585 | 1407184812 | t3_2ckzxp | t5_2to41 | 58 | OfficeJerker: TIFU by jerking off in my own office
So I have my own office in a building shared with some other compagnies. Since it’s vacation time, the entire floor I work on is empty except for me. Seeing some image on reddit got me in the mood and since I’m the only one, I’ll just give it a quick wang. Pull down my pants, play video, and go time. After about 30 seconds I hear knocking but it was so subtitle it could just be downstairs. I decide better to pull up my pants before they come up to my office. To late, pants around the ankle’s and the door opens and there is a woman who works all the way downstairs. Our eye’s meet, my face turns red, she stutters, walks out, walks back in, and start talking about a sewerage problem we have so we can’t use the toilet. I reply I’ll won’t be using it, en she closes the door.
I ran out the office building, ashamed, and probably won’t return there voor the next couple a weeks.
OliStabilize: I assume you pulled your trousers up before you ran out of the building?
Though it would be funnier if you didn't.
czarchastic: Even better if he does this while yelling, "We have a sewage problem!"
| 3 | 19.333333 |
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