start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1407158446 | 1407163570 | t3_2cl3ku | t5_2to41 | 31 | SirJaxAlot: TIFU by watching Weeds with my wife
So the wife and I have been going through a few episodes of Weeds each night (yeah, yeah... I know it gets stupid). Anyway, last night we watch the episode where Andy is catering the porno shoot. Without even thinking I immediately blurt out, "Oh, hey look, it's Jessica Jaymes!"
Now the wife isn't exactly anti-porn, but she does not partake of it to say the least and thinks it's demeaning and all that nonsense. She knows I "occasionally" watch, but it's just not something we talk about. A "what you don't know, won't hurt you" type of arrangement.
I immediately felt the icy stare.
Needless to say in the ensuing stupid lecture that "occasionally" coming across porn on my Reddit feed doesn't entail immediately recognizing a porn star and knowing her by name. Who knew?
OliStabilize: Could of turned it around and asked her how she knew who you were on about.
agentlame: Really. I watch plenty of porn and have no idea who this is, by name. How would someone that is anti-porn know who she is?
OliStabilize: He could of been talking about anyone in the scene (I have not seen that episode of weeds)
agentlame: I'm confused by your reply. I was agreeing with you.
OliStabilize: I was confused myself. Very little sleep. I Apologise.
agentlame: lol, no worries. :)
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1407161517 | 1407226625 | t3_2cl7wh | t5_2to41 | 955 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a ride from my dad
So, yesterday I had a soccer practice. It was the first practice of the season, and (as traditional on my team) it was at midnight. I don't have a car, so I had to get a ride from a friend.
The practice was regular, except it lasted only an hour. Afterwards people sat and talked over subway sandwiches. I, however, was not hungry nor was I very good friends with anybody on the team. This prompted my to text my dad to see if he was still awake to come and pick me up. He was, so he came and took me home.
While on the way home, we stopped somewhere to look at cars. When I got back to the car, my phone had blown up with messages from my coach and other players. They thought I'd gone missing or gotten kidnapped or something. They were glad to know I was ok, but they had called my mother (who works night shifts) and told her I was missing.
This lead to fighting, and eventually it was fighting between both of my parents. My father left the house this morning, and my mom was happy to shut the door behind him.
Well shit.
Edit: fixed random comma
markpoepsel: Sounds like a lot more is going on that's out of your control. Don't let your parents' shit become your shit. Just keep doing what you do. Keep playing, in other words.
alienmindbeams: What markpoepsel said.
Edit: ok, so I broke the invisible rules.
Whatever.
I actually care a lot about this. As the youngest child in a family that broke up over 20 years ago I understand what op is going through.
As the youngest I was a scapegoat. Everything was my fault because I was least able to defend myself. I would be out on a camp, or off doing something else for days and walk back into the house to be shouted at because something in the house had been misplaced . Something that went missing when I wasn't there, but it was somehow my fault and the fighting that had occurred was somehow my fault. My brother and sister resented me for it and saw the parental break up as my doing, somehow. I was the youngest and this drove me into a deep depression that lasted many years. I knew it wasn't my fault but I couldn't verbalise my defence.
I don't speak to any of them now. I hope this doesn't happen to op.
It's not your fault. None of it is. Rise above and remember. While you may feel like a prisoner now, soon you will be free. So start planning your future. Decide what YOU want to do, and go there.
It does get better, but only if you let it.
<3
alienmindbeams: Seriously? Negative karma for agreeing with someone?
Free_Blowjobs: Well, there is a tacit rule on reddit where you're not supposed to reply to someone's comment for the sole purpose of agreeing with them, i.e., if you add nothing else to the conversation. That's what the upvote button is for.
Because then you have the beauty of 132+ upvotes with no useless comments under it. <3
nmorrison72: What this guy said
IAmA_Risky_Click_AMA: Though proper use of irony sometimes puts you above the law....
shmehdit: Indeed.
moonluck: Only sometimes...
| 9 | 106.111111 | |
1407157613 | 1407184889 | t3_2cl2fg | t5_2to41 | 82 | 772410: TIFU by getting fired for having sex with a supervisor at work in her office
we've been having sex for months in her office (and all over the entire building in reality) and today we broke up. as all break ups go, this one was pretty bad. long story short, she ended up telling the president of the company and the HR manager all about everything just to get us both fired! now i'm jobless and jerkin it...
EDIT - THE REST OF THE STORY -
so we're both married (to different ppl), but going through divorces at the same time. we discovered each other by being the last of a few ppl staying late at work. we start talking and find out that we're both going through a divorce. it started out platonic, but things quickly progressed. at first we would hook up at the park nearby or in hotel room, but then we discovered we were the only ones staying late consistently. we would wait until most of the ppl were gone and find an empty office and bang it out in there. it was hot and sweaty and she was a squirter. i found out that she wasn't before i came along, but definitely is now. she confided in me that she had a crush on me for a while and that only boosted my confidence and ego. it wasn't long before we started playing out every office fantasy we could think up.
unfortunately her soon to be ex husband was still fighting for her while me and my soon to be ex were just incompatible. she was running from him because he was very abusive (beat her, abused her mentally, emotionally, sexually, and even cut her once or twice) and controlling. while her and i were hooking up after work and now on weekends, he put a tracker on her car (it was a dog tracker that sent location texts to her phone) when she would go pick up stuff from her house to move in with her parents until she got back on her feet. there were many times when he would show up out of the blue to where we were (luckily right after we got it on), and it got to a point where she had to get a restraining order against him and we were carrying guns with us everywhere we went. this guy was crazy!
anyway, things were getting kinda rough between us as she was still having contact with him but still trying to convince me that things were fine between us. i started to get the feeling like things were not quite on the up n up when she finally told me that she was back to a kosher level with him. meaning they were cool now. i didn't believe it so i broke up with her. she begged and pleaded to get back together and after a week of that i finally gave in. i never believed that nothing happened with her and her ex, but she wasn't going to talk. i let it go.
NOT 3 DAYS LATER this bitch tells me that she can't do it anymore. GOD told her that she needed to get back with her family and we could be no more. of course i'm PISSED!! we argue about everything she put me through and how she betrayed me and broke my trust and it doesn't make sense that God would tell her to get back with an abusive husband! i told her i hated her and that i refuse to talk to her anymore and that she was making the biggest mistake of her life. she got pissed at me for NOT SUPPORTING HER and how i'm a terrible person for not going along with Gods plan. i told her she is a hypocrite and a shitty person and she went straight to the bosses. i left early that day and got the call 2 hours after i got home.
"we're investigating you" - great. w/e. fine. 1 week later they call me with questions about where we did it and how often and i confirmed it all. might as well, they already had the full story. they fired us both and now i'm home depressed wondering how great her reborn relationship is with her "family" - maaan, fuck her!
true story!
[deleted]: Hang on.
She decided "Well ive lost my hookup, but i know what would make me feel much better? Losing my job!"
The logic is strong with this one...
TheJonesSays: Unemployment is great.
crocodile_in_denial: Very rare to pull unemployment when you get fired for breaking rules
TheJonesSays: Probably. I don't know.
| 5 | 16.4 | |
1407162139 | 1407245883 | t3_2cl8v0 | t5_2to41 | 101 | captinfail: TIFU By drinking Jager for the first time in years
This happend over the weekend on Friday night Saturday morning.
Went out on the town with a coworker. This girl I really likes starts texting me. Things are going great probably annoying my friend but I'm super stoked. He buys me a shot and next thing you know I wake up the next morning with nasty texts and VM from her.
I stopped responding to her shortly after asking when she wanted to meet up this week. Apparently she thinks I found a girl out at the bar and hooked up and started ignoring her.
TIFU ruining anything ever happening with my crush by getting wasted.
PS FML
EDIT: Found out she told her crazy friend( whom I didn't know they were still friends) about this. The crazy friend has since text me telling me to leave her alone. It all makes more sense now.
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Did you tell her you didn't? Explain the situation and tell her what happened. If she thinks that because you didn't respond to her that you were out sleeping with someone else, I'd reconsider her. Unless you really were out sleeping with another girl, I don't see this as being ruined.
captinfail: Oh yea. She won't answer the phone and hasn't responded to texts.
Bitches are crazy man.
Certainly a sign she's a little crazy but I've been going after her for months.
Pointwest418: Hit it then quit it
...Unless she knows Muay Thai
zman0900: Don't stick your dick in crazy!
Ludacon: This ^
Also its not a douche move to hit it and then not return to continue hitting it.
Alluding to wanting a long term serious relationship in order to hit it one time, and then cutting her off. THATS a douchebag move.
either way its still better than being stuck with crazy, but not as good an option as not sticking the crazy.
captinfail: Yeah this is true, but I'm not that type of guy. I don't seek relationships for sex.
Ludacon: Then it looks like you may have dodged a bullet
| 8 | 12.625 | |
1407163921 | 1407197123 | t3_2clbqg | t5_2to41 | 23 | infield_fly_rule: TIFU by putting in my contacts
This morning I was making myself a salad for lunch to take to work. I remembered that we had some jalepeno peppers growing in the garden, so I went out back, picked a nice one and sliced it up for my salad.
I then took a shower and went about my normal morning routine. Then I got to the part where I took off my glasses and put in my contacts. YIPES!!! I guess that is what getting pepper sprayed in the eye feels like. Still on my fingers after a quick-post-pepper-slicing-hand-wash and a full on shower.
PrDeg: Having done I feel for all of you
PrDeg: Having done both I feel for all of you
PamShelan: Future reference, you can edit your comment instead of correcting yourself on another comment, I dunno about on Computer but on mobile you click it and select Edit
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1407165102 | 1407165452 | t3_2cldmk | t5_2to41 | 4 | 8BitPoro: TIFU by pill swallowing
I contemplated doing a TIL or LPT and creating a burn account to share this to the masses in hope of saving some poor child a lot of heartache. Decided no burn account and this is more of a "I am a dumbass for not googling or better yet, using rediit when I was a wee fella." (Wasted childhood hours at the table, simply because I didn't see something like this)[http://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/1dv4nd/lpt_trouble_swallowing_pills_tilt_your_head/], anyways onto the story.
Note* New to redit and not always the best with grammar, please take it easy oh grammar police.
This TIFU actually does take place over the course of yesterday and today with a deep child history.
Ever since I was a little kid, I have always struggled with pill swallowing. Yeah go figure? Millions of people do, at like age 4... My nieces who are currently 4/7 both can swallow 8 pills at a time without flinching, here I am a 20 year old man and I can't swallow 1.
Over the years I have struggled with this, always chalking it up to genetics. My family tends to faint with needles, shots, drawing blood, you name it - I will pass out cold. So why can't pill swallowing be the same? Now the fuck up comes at the fact that even 10 years ago, a very frequent user of the inter-webs, I still never googled help on swallowing pills. My family always would say do this, take food, just swallow it, ya-de-da-de-da. Every trick in the book, or so I thought. Little did I know the little bastard was out there hiding.
As a child I used to literally have to sit at the dinner table for hours, I may actually be scared as I remember distinctly multiple occasions of sitting there staring at my demise hoping the little pill would just vanish. I pulled everything from chewing it and puking my vitamins back up to sticking it in my mouth acting like I swallowed and scampering to the bathroom where I would flush the little fuckers into the abyss of sewer systems where they belonged. There was a stage in my life where I was not allowed to leave the table until they were gone, needless to say I spent many hours as a child and TEEN staring at pills, hoping they would incinerate.
Well Yesterday comes around and I am trying to swallow my damn pills (working out daily, need my vitamins so I do not look like a homeless child) and a co-worker comes into the room and starts talking to me. Well in all my might to swallow pills, I can not handle people talking to me at all while doing the deed, I need more then the 100% concentration my brain can provide, classy - I know. Needless to say, I fail at swallowing it - continuing my average of maybe 50% downage rate. Nearly puking the pill out on my co-worker, I spit it out and say fuck it not doing the other 5 I have.
She mentions to me the damn little trick of the linked post above, tilt your head forward. Needless to say that shit works, I am on a roll with 0% failure since then! TIFU by not using common sense to google a issue, or following my golden rule that if I don't know it - someone on redit does.
TLDR: Sorry its lengthy, probably a lot more lengthy then necessary. TIFU by failing yet again to swallow a pill, nearly puking it and my lunch contents all over a co-worker, for her to tell me I am a moron and to just tilt my head forward and swallow. Bam, that shit works, going strong ever since then. 15 years of pill swallowing struggle, gone in a flash. I still faint like a new born baby cries at the slightest prick of a needle.
EDIT: Are downvotes really necessary?
Belgarion262: My friend.
As fuck-ups go.
This is mild.
But thank you.
For Sharing.
8BitPoro: 15 years of struggle, solved in 2 seconds.
Belgarion262: People have killed others, chopped off body parts, or sharted on their fiancé's parents.
My friend, it could have been so much worse :p
| 4 | 1 | |
1407165628 | 1407166857 | t3_2cleho | t5_2to41 | 4 | Frank5192: TIFU by singing Good Charlotte in the wrong neighborhood...
This unfortunate Morning Glory came to be while I was on my way to work this morning.
Some background:
I'm a 22 year old white guy, I drive an old British car; not a jalopy by any stretch of the imagination, reminiscent(ish) of a 'Bond' car, but one whose radio was broken and needed to be removed.
Having removed the radio, I have been driving around with my iPod and headphones.
Upon leaving my house, I figured I'd roll down memory lane... I chose Good Charlotte's 2002 classic 'The Young and the Hopeless'.
"A New Beginning" kicked off the drive- by the end of the track I was anticipating "The Anthem." When I was in the post-adolescent/pre-pre-teen stage, "The Anthem" [was my shit](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgIdZP-IWSU). I was singing away, and then, it happened. Sitting at a light, the lyrics came spewing out in a Philadelphian-angst much like the (respectfully) Waldorf-Whiners. Too the ears of the ([thank Joe Pesci](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPOfurmrjxo&t=6m38s)) one and only pedestrian, who happened to be a black man, walking by, this was most likely a morning ruin-er. "[Go to College, a University- GET A REAL JOB...](http://rockonmedia.com/charts/charts_pictures/Kerrang_-_101_Most_Definitive_Party_Classics/3.JPG)" (We made eye-contact at this point and my voice slipped and squeaked as "that's what they said to me!" haggled its way from my throat.) I drove away before anything could be said, quite embarrassed.
TL;DR - Sang a song, feel like I insulted a black man; I'm laughing now, but I'm sincerely sorry.
directdread23: So your assuming this black man didnt go to school, or has a real job? TUFU by being a racist...
Frank5192: He heard me out of context; the lyric is, "Go to College, a University; Get a real job, that's what they said to me." my voice broke as we made eye contact, as one happens to when looking around while stopped at a red-light and I surmise he didn't hear the end of the lyric. TIFU by singing.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407168079 | 1407168857 | t3_2cliq4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Mew_: TIFU by sucking at clocks and then paying a locksmith $135 to unlock my front door When I actually had the key on me
Okay so today was the first day back at Uni for us Aussies down under, my first class was an 8:00 am computer lab and it was mandatory to attend the first class, my bus stop is 2 min from my new house and I'm not used to the routes yet, for some reason I thought setting my alarm for 7:00 am would be sufficient for my 7:20 bus, yeah no.
I get out of the shower and it clicks what I've done and I flip the **fuck** out. I basically faceslam my makeup container and grab the first clothes I find with the result probably looking as though a blind man dressed me.
I sprint to the bus station just as it arrives a teeny bit late at 7:22 thank fucking Christ.
So I end up getting to class on time hungry and coffeeless, but whatever all good. So the labs 3 hours and I enjoy it despite wanting to eat my keyboard.
So I catch my bus back home without issue and I'm feeling pretty good, sure I fucked up this morning but hey, alls well that ends well right?
Nuh.
I'm fumbling with my keys, and none of them are working, no ones home except [Mr Floppy](http://i.imgur.com/Js31h89.jpg), I'm starting to stress a little, but I'm sure I had the key, fuckfuckfuck.
My partners at a work site miiiiles away and can't help me so it have to call a locksmith.
> Hai I'm an idiot and locked myself out of the house, halp
> Well um let's see, I can get someone to your place in around 6 hours.
> uwotm8
Now I'm really freaking out, I've got Mr Floppy flipping out [meowing his face off at the door](http://i.imgur.com/dF7T9sI.jpg)
So I finally manage to get through to a locksmith who can come in 45 minutes, fine, I'll read some Reddit and Cracked. He arrives, wants ID like a bill with my name and address, which I do not have as I just moved and have no bills yet. Whatever, I convince him to just open the damn door please, he's like can I just see your keys first? I'm like fine but they don't work. [He then opens the door with my key saying the lock is a bit fucked so jiggle it upwards to get it to work and that'll be $135 kthx.](http://media.tumblr.com/c67eb92adddde16c70a4d4ae2a901d2f/tumblr_inline_mhpijvfUXx1qz4rgp.gif)
FML.
Voyager5555: Locksmiths - Yet another service provider you pay to remind yourself that you're an idiot.
qwertytotheend: like people at grocery stores, seems that theyre paid to tell you what youre looking for is right behind you :-\
Mew_: Every time.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407118631 | 1407170247 | t3_2cjvgu | t5_2to41 | 6 | kjbrasda: TIFU by forgetting water and food is important.
I have been volunteering all week at our county fair with various roles. On Friday, between supervising judging one class, helping with building monitor duties, our 4H food stand shift, ntm having to wait out a 45 minute hailstorm, I was there 12 hours. Not a very big deal, but I'm not used to being on my feet all day. So Saturday I was already a little tired and woke up with a bad backache that OTC meds weren't touching.
I usually don't eat breakfast anyway, so when I got there at 8:30 I started right in helping setup our 4-H centennial celebration activities. (100 years in WI!) I was supervising a sidewalk chalk art contest on blacktop. It was hot, very humid, and no wind. I had a Sobe (flavored water) in the morning, but just a couple cans of pop until the contest and dealing with judging and announcing winners was over with; about 2pm.
No suprise, I felt hot, weak and shaky. Sat down and couldn't move! I had my daughter fetch me a bottle of water and something to eat, along with a wet towel to help me cool down. It took about two hours to recover enough to drive home. I'm very lucky I didn't end up in the hospital.
I made sure to bring a refillable water bottle today!
Tl;dr, pop is not adequate hydration.
Theredditur: Are you saying you went a whole day without food? The body can go without food for far, far longer then that.
kjbrasda: Doesn't mean it is a good idea, also does not mean a person is perfectly fine and fully active for a week until they drop dead from no food o_O. Every person is different, and what is fine for one person is not fine for another.
Also, you are completely ignoring the no hydration on a hot day in the sun on blacktop.
| 3 | 2 | |
1407166461 | 1407182909 | t3_2clfvf | t5_2to41 | 105 | thebaldmonk: TIFU by going to Burger King after work
I descided to treat myself a snack on my way home from work, so I went to the drive-through and got a Sweet Chilli Chicken Wrap meal with a coke. The next thing I do is park in the area and descide to eat my fries since im starving.
While im eating I place my coke on top of the car radio in the middle of the front section of the car(forgive me for not remembering the correct terms here). Everything is great and I finish the fries and move on to my chicken wrap. Now I tell myself I can eat this while im driving so I start the car and drive on while enjoying the great sweet chilli taste...
Disaster strikes at the first right-turn I take, since I forgot i placed my coke ontop of the radio, it falls down to the left and lands directly in my junk and icecubes and coke is everywhere. Meenwhile I apparently get a bit of a chock and squeezed the wrap I had in one of my hands so the bottom of the wrap bursts open and all of the contents just splashes down my chest creating a good mix with the coke in my lap.
I realised I just lost at life and just give up, driving on to the nearest parking space and pray that they had given me 100 napkins in the meal-bag. They hadn't .. and I was still hungy.
**TL;DR** Soaked myself in coke and sweet-chilli chiken wrap contents during a right-turn while driving - and they had forgotten to put napkins in the meal-bag.
Edit:spelling
Edit2: removed some brands
APandaHunter: TIFU by posting an advertisement for Brand X and Brand X to TIFU.
Mobako: Why is it such a sin to be truthful about the brands that are relevant in every-day life?
SpottedParsley: Yeah I don't see the need to remove the branding. It's not against the rules and it's not like this story is selling me on Burger King. Also I'm pretty sure the OP is messing up, the sweet chili chicken wrap is a McDonald's item, not a BK one. At least not to my knowledge. Source: I live between both of them. As in they're there, not as in I live by eating them alternately.
| 4 | 26.25 | |
1407168813 | 1407182335 | t3_2clk2h | t5_2to41 | 7 | Gejakiat: TIFU by going to church
Here is a brief brief: I am a volunteer working in africa, in a particularly christian area. Before I came, I went to church twice a year: Chrismas and Easter (sorry I'm going to hell I know), but I thought I'd try something new... this happened yesterday and will not happen again!
So yesterday was quite a surreal experience. Having accepted an invitation to church, I turned up there on time at 9:30. Having being warmly greeted by the african helpers and being gawked at by children, I took my seat, the only white person in a room of about 600.
We started with half an hour of reading the bible.
Of course it was in Kiswahili, so I didn't understand it, but the people enjoyed themselves, so I remained content. Then the worshipping began. We stood up, raised our hands in the air, chanting praises and glory and the likes. It was after about an hour of this that the first 'blessed' ones among the audience, seeming to be having fits, were lifted onto the altar, screaming and shouting jibberish with the music! Only at this point did my teacher-friend come and accompany, for another hour of worshipping.
When we finally finished worshipping, the reverend came and I guess 'church' had begun. After 500 praises, quotes and 'Hallelujahs!', the rev asked all visitors to stand before the lord. Unfortunately this was obviously me, so I stood and we were asked to say who we were and where we came from. Luckily when the microphone got to me I had time to think, and I said, |(to applause I add), ''I don't speak much Kiswahili, but language is no barrier to God!''. Unfortunately I forgot to say my name, so after a bit more awkward chat to everyone, I sat down and endured what remained, which had in it much shouting, many more blessed people and much holy water thrown at us, courtesy of the rev.
From start to finish, the whole thing lasted 4 hours 45 minutes. It was... an experience.
tl:dr; went to a church in a language I didn't understand, sticking out like a sore thumb, for almost five hours.
r0b0torg: I thought the title was the whole story..
r0b0torg: Before there are haters I used to be highly active in a local church for years.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407165317 | 1407862027 | t3_2cldzh | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my new girlfriends BMW towed
So i just started dating my current girlfriend we were probably about 4 weeks into our relationship at the time. She is a big Luke Bryan fan (country music singer) and had tickets to a show in Auburn,Alabama. Note we are in California. She asked me if i could watch her car for the weekend while she was away because her apartments only had street parking, so i gladly obliged. Drove her to the airport kissed and hugged as i proceeded to drive off in her brand spanking new BMW 328i. Her car being much cooler than my Dodge Charger i could not wait to drive it to work to show off to my coworkers the next night. I drive into my Condo complex and get my Visitors pass out and slap it on the dash because all visitors need one to park overnight. Later on i get a call from one of my buddies, i quickly cut him off from whatever he was saying and say "want to take a quick spin in my new beamer?" he agrees and i go pick him up. We cruise around and i test out the speed on a stretch of highway that i am familiar no cops or other cars would be on. End the night and drop him off. I wake up to go to work as usual, and a little happier because i will be pulling up in a beamer i go outside and the fucking car is GONE! The fucker i seen tow cars before creeping quietly away with others cars late at night got me!. I yell out FUCCCCCK! looking at the empty car space. Not knowing what towing company or any information. i see a neighbor throwing garbage away and ask him if he has any idea what towing company frequents our area. He says "no check the office" I check the office there is only a stupid small piece of paper on the cork board that says "Visitors require a visitors pass or will be towed" and no other information, no number, no address no nothing. I am thinking this is so fucking stupid, so about to be late to work i get in my car and head there. I burst into work like a bat out of hell! Like OMG OMG they towed my girlfriends Beamer what should i do. Every last one of the idiot dudes i work with told me not to tell her smh i say "fuck that i have to tell her". So i call her over and over again she is not answering i send 20 texts she still isn't answering so i am still freaking out. But what i fail to realize is she is a couple hours ahead and probably sleep. So now i am getting stressed. I work my shift and head home immediately to figure out more info. I see another neighbor and ask the same thing i asked the other neighbor previously and he says with a chuckle, " yeah dude they fucking towed me a couple weeks ago i still have the number in my phone" Yes finally! i get the number Thank him and head inside to call. I call and they say Dark Blue BMW 328i? I say yes that's it! now why did you tow it. And the asshole says because it didn't have a visitors pass. Now i know i put the pass on the dash. But then it all came to me, when i picked my buddy up and was driving around at high speeds it slipped in between the Dash and the windshield not being visible therefore getting it towed. My girlfriend starts calling me i answer and i explain everything from driving with my buddy to how the visitors pass most likely got eaten by the car. She calmly, in a tired sleepy voice gives me info then gives the tow company her info, puts the $300 that i didn't have to get it out into my account, and tells me to calm down as i was pissed and talking fast. I have my bro n law drive me to the tow company go pay and as soon as i see it, its like i seen an angel. I drove off and didn't look back! My girlfriend handled the situation like a boss and still had a great time. Telling me, at the time of the incident that "she is going back to sleep" lol i picked her up at the airport with a bottle of her favorite wine and flowers so that made up for my Goof mistake. Till this day that Visitors pass is still in the bowels of the car.
TL;DR Got new girlfriends Beamer towed while she was out of state because visitors pass got stuck in between dash and windshield. was told not to tell her, told her anyway while i freaked out. She handled the situation like a boss and still saw Luke Bryan perform.
MisterMeiji: I can tell you from experience, a Dodge Charger will be just as smooth at high speed, as that beemer. At least it will if it's got a Hemi.
bknyPM: What do you think of the gs350s ride compared to the other two?
achpat: I have never driven a gs350. I have frequently driven a fully loaded is350 sport and previously owned a fully loaded g35 coupe. They were reliable cars to maintain and drive but I find that the stiffer and tighter suspension better suits my driving style. I test drove a g37s coupe 6 speed and wasn't very impressed. This was largely due to the 3 bimmers I drove prior to driving it. I settled with a 335i coupe m sport and haven't regretted buying another car.
bknyPM: Are you leasing PR buying ATM?
achpat: I bought it used with the factory warranty with 29k on it. Factory warranty runs out at 50k or in may.
| 6 | 1 | |
1407169577 | 1407202733 | t3_2cllh5 | t5_2to41 | 17 | COWRATT: TIFU by stapling my fly shut
so, many years ago, as a young lad of 12 or so, I received a marvelous pair of pajama bottoms. to my disappointment, through, the pajama gnomes had forgotten to add a button to the fly, so all of my prepubescent junk flopped out of the hole everywhere I went. I mended this problem using the first idea that popped into my head: staples! so, that fixed the pajamas for a while, but I eventually got tired of them, and just got another pair. last night, in my 3-AM stupor, I decided to wear a pair of pajamas from the bottom of the pile, that I didn't remember getting. I remember wondering why the fly was open, but not questioning it, because FAWK, I WAS TIRED!! in the morning, I awoke to a searing pain in my nether regions. to keep it PG: Mr. Johnson had been poked pretty fucking hard. I tentatively removed the staple, and covered my dick in band aids and shit.
TL;DR: I stapled my pants, my pants stapled me back.
ColonelCrackerzz: "to keep it PG: Mr. Johnson had been poked pretty fucking hard."
sounds like you kept it R.
SenorScumbag: It only had one fuck, so *technically* it's only PG-13
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1407170365 | 1407172193 | t3_2clmxd | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU buying porn
Voyager5555: What is this, 1985? You don't pay for porn. Ever. If there's something you can't find for free, well, [you may want to change your viewing habits](http://www.dvdmg.com/8mm.jpg).
[deleted]: Oh, nothing like that. No way. I don't have any weird fetishes. I am definitely not into snuff.
I'm only into softcore, feet, and big boobs.
Voyager5555: Good to hear, but....those are some of the easiest (free) porns to find dude, just saying.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1407172425 | 1407251028 | t3_2clqwg | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating the *whole* package of twizzlers.
This happened several years ago, so... Syaifu is more fitting.(several years ago i fucked up) I was the typical kid. Loved candy, especially twizzlers. I would eat them all of the time. It was a normal Saturday night. Me and my mom decided to go see a movie with a friend. I think it was the newest Indiana jones movie. So I get in the movie and of course I want twizzlers. The only package of twizzlers they had was that family size, huge package. Good for me, bad for my health. I get the twizzlers, popcorn, and a drink and head into the movie. I get through to the snake pit part if the movie which made me, for some reason, eat all of my twizzlers. I eat them *all.* I go home. It was late, so I go to bed. I lay down and go to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and vomit all over of my bed. Over myself, my blankets, my floor. My brain somehow thought it was a dream so put me back to sleep. In the vomit I lay, throughout the night. I wake up with repurposed twizzlers looking at me from the foot of my bed and get up to realize what I did. I go shower and throughout that night, continue to vomit out every last twizzlers through 12 intervals I vomiting.
Tl;dr bought twizzlers, dreamed about repurposed twizzlers, I gave up those twizzlers through the night.
Edit: crap, that thing where the star around a word making it bold doesn't work on titles.
Voyager5555: Think the real fuck up is seeing the Crystal Skull...a fuck up I unfortunately share.
iSeeXenuInYou: True.
Dani2386: Honestly OP, I think you may have had the stomach bug. I eat twizzlers all the time, and lots of them! I just don't think the twizzlers would make you puke that many times
iSeeXenuInYou: Maybe so. Well, it's over now.
Dani2386: Well I'm glad for that!
| 6 | 9.666667 | |
1407173725 | 1407183991 | t3_2cltfn | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a rasist Chinese joke to my Chinese niece.
I_am_amazingly_great: Not a funny joke, but she is an over-sensitive pussy.
Voyager5555: "over sensitive pussy"
Yeah, us minorities just need to get over it and accept the fact that our station in life is to be the butt of jokes of ignorant rednecks.
I_am_amazingly_great: >ignorant rednecks
You don't know that about the OP. That's just a stereotype, you insensitive jerk.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407171655 | 1407192911 | t3_2clpd4 | t5_2to41 | 154 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to make future prisonMike95 laugh
Just a little backstory: I am going to be a sophomore in college and am finally moving out of the dorms into an apartment. With this move I also need to get supplies for my new room which includes bed sheets, pillows, etc.
Some extra backstory: My mom isn't afraid to speak her mind on stuff and can be very confrontational. That being said my mom, at times, is [that lady](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN1KU8sqh_4). Maybe not such a huge bitch but will yell at workers and demand to speak with managers and what not
Okay now on the story: With my mothers consent I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond online and started looking through their options of bed spreads. Now I'm not sure if anyone has ever been online bed shopping but its not the funnest thing in the world to do and when I finally finished my order and went to checkout it gave me the option to send a personalized message that would be attached to the package when it arrived. So I thought 'Hey, why the fuck not.' and typed away and ended up with [this](http://i.imgur.com/YSXG7UD.jpg). Really nothing too funny, pretty dumb if you ask me. Just something that I'd probably forget about when the package arrived and have a sensible chuckle about. So the package came and I totally forgot about it so I thought nothing of it. That is until the thing I ordered wasnt right so I (my mom) had to return it. Okay, no problem just send it back and get a new. Done and done
However, today (literally 10 minutes ago) im on Facebook and on my newsfeed I see my mom posted a picture (I expected it to be something dumb bc moms on Facebook). Low and behold I see my very own personalized message and she was not happy one bit. The caption read something like this "Found this in a package we got from Bed and Bath. Very spooky. Have no idea who wrote it. Have already contacted Bed, Bath and Beyond and expect some answers, blah blah mom stuff blah blah Traders Joes" you get the point. So when I saw the post I decided to just fess up and tell my mom that the message was my attempt to make a joke. I didn't think it was a big deal and it shouldn't be except my mom has already been on the phone with Bed and bath people and been going back and forth with them a bit. So now there is (was) some poor soul getting an ear full from my mom about how some weird message appeared in our package, Im sure people at Bed, Bath and beyond are freaking out try to find out who wrote it all because I tried providing entertain for future me.
Edit: To those berating my mom I just want to say that the video I posted isn't the best representation of her. In no way does she look down on workers or that much of bitch. If an order is wrong or the service is shitty she will make it known. As a consumer she is well within her rights to do so. Sometimes, yes, it is painstaking and embarrassing to have deal with it but hey doesn't matter. I mean if there was something like that on a package there are many other people who would call to get to the bottom of it.
feelbetternow: >***With my mothers consent*** I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond online and started looking through their options of bed spreads.
You're what, 20 years old?
prisonMike95: [Thats the joke](http://imgur.com/r/gifs/BxrN3)
feelbetternow: The joke is that you require your mother's permission to use the internet to look for bedspreads? I've only been writing comedy since before you were swimming around in your daddy's ball sack, but that ain't much of a joke.
Oh, and [here's](http://i.imgur.com/0scNm.gif) a GIF for you!
Kellamon1: son Im 38 I wwebsite as on the internet when you were a sperm in your daddys balls and before it was the internet
feelbetternow: Why do I have you tagged as "White Supremacist Pedo"
edit: Also, way to misuse that copypasta, you white supremacist pedo.
| 6 | 25.666667 | |
1407174393 | 1407211865 | t3_2cluqz | t5_2to41 | 1,228 | notverysmartsadly: TIFU by being less open-minded than I thought I was (NSFW)
So my (now ex-)girlfriend, let's call her Alice, has been abroad for a few months. We have always been in a sexually open relationship, albeit with an emphasis on being honest about our feelings -- the rules were: fucking other people is ok, but falling in love not ok, and if you can't help it, be honest about it.
Suddenly, I stopped hearing from her. I was genuinely concerned, so to try and know how she was I added someone I thought had seen her on facebook. This person couldn't help me -- they had parted ways a week before --, but reacted very defensively and seemed surprised to hear Alice had a boyfriend... he first didn't want to talk to me, thinking I was not who I said I was.
Anyway, after almost a full month passed without hearing from Alice and upon request from her parents, who were also very concerned, I logged into her facebook account. That was my first fuck-up. I had bitten the hook. Even after I finally heard from her, I couldn't stop nosing.
This weekend, I logged in again. I read about a lot of stuff on her mind she hadn't told me. About being nearly raped by a guy, a bad experience she shared with a female friend she met on the road, but not me, who thought was her confindent. About fucking a guy and how big of a penis he had (yes, really, she commented that to the above-mentioned friend). And his flirtations with what I assume was the same guy, planing on having anal sex next time they met. This last conversation was going on at the same time she talked to me, at the same time she said how much she loved me and that she wanted to see me soon. So I tried to give her an opportunity to tell me what important things were happening in her life. She refused. I implied what I knew. She refused.
It was too fucking much. I told myself I could have handled the sex part if she had been honest. But, to be honest, I just fucked up. I am not nearly as open-minded as I think I am. I am an idiot.
Just an hour ago, I came clean, I told her I had wanted exclusivity, and had fucked up by believing I didn't and I broke up with her.
She hasn't answered.
tl;dr: TIFU by lying to myself about wanting sexual exclusivity and pretending I was ok with an open sexual arrangement.
Lucid003: As much as some people might like to talk about it, I don't think that the majority of people could actually handle an open-relationship. Hell, my girlfriend has brought up the possibility of having a threesome and I don't think I'd ever go through with it. I'd be too worried about her falling in love with the other girl or, just as bad, myself doing the same.
I mean, sure, it sounds like fun... but if you're emotionally invested in somebody, then knowing that they're having an emotionally charged sexual experience with someone is just too much to handle. Some people can disconnect sex from emotions, but I'm not one of them and I'm willing to bet that most other people aren't, either.
Then, of course, there are the obvious trust issues. An open-relationship kind of implies that you should be open about what you're doing with other people, does it not? Your ex was clearly not interested in telling you these things and that just really betrays the whole trust aspect of a relationship.
There are just too many potential issues with open relationships. Some people can handle it, but the very through makes me feel sick.
**TLDR**: It's all fun and games until you realize that your partner is being *intimate* with other people.
notverysmartsadly: Yeah, well...I can handle it, just not in combination with the distance. There, IFU.
We have both had other partners and threesomes, but that was when we lived together or near-by. I was ok with her fucking other guys as long as I could trust that she would tell me what is going on in her life in general, the good and the bad. And as long as I could look her in the eye when she told me "I love you". Not just words on a screen that could be truly from the heart or manipulatively from the mind.
[deleted]: I have a question: Why would you want to have exclusivity if she is fucking other people and not you, please explain because i dont know why/how people could do this
elbirth: It sounds more to me like OP just managed to land a girl that he found incredibly attractive, who was not interested in having a serious relationship, so in order to try to hold onto her, convinced himself that he'd be ok with the terms of the open relationship. Referring to it as being "open minded" is complete BS and illustrates this point further.
Yes, there are somehow people out there that actually want this type of relationship. Neither of these 2 people are it. She proved that by dropping contact with him out of guilt and he proved it by finally coming clean to himself enough to realize he wanted exclusivity, but still was holding out hope by calling it being open minded.
[deleted]: thanks because this whole open-relationshit thing is dumb, no offense to anyone though.
Omnipotence456: I'm in a very successful open relationship that has lasted about a year and a half so far. We tell each other about our sexploits if asked but are not required to go running to the other with a report every time something happens. The idea is that to us, romantic and sexual love is not much different from friendship. You can have a best friend, and be really really close to them, and not get upset when they hang out with other people.
DaegobahDan: It's still a terrible idea and it will blow up in your face as soon as she finds someone she likes more than you.
The_Burninator: Isn't that the case in a closed relationship? If they find someone they like more, they'll be gone anyways, right?
DaegobahDan: No, the open refers to the sex, not the emotional attachment. People fool themselves into thinking you can have one part be open and the other part closed.
Also, exclusivity tends to put downward pressure on the fleeting curiosities, which prevents you from developing strong enough feelings to motivate leaving.
The_Burninator: What about swingers? There's an entire culture based around non exclusive sexuality, and a lot of them are in healthy, long-lasting relationships.
DaegobahDan: Swinging, to my mind at least, slightly different because generally speaking, both parties are involved. If you go to a swing party by yourself even though you are in a relationship, is it still "swinging"?
It's the difference between knowing that your partner is having sex with someone else because they were "open and honest" about it and making the sex with other people something you shared as a couple. That sounds a bit strange to me, but I can totally get on board with it as a relationship building experience.
The_Burninator: Ahh, I see. Interesting view on it. I'm currently trying out an open sort of relationship with my girlfriend right now, but it's more of us making something particular happen with someone particular, and not 'oh just let me know if anything happens.' I can definitely where that would go south, and quickly.
Nice discussion, upvotes all around
| 13 | 94.461538 | |
1407179367 | 1407338191 | t3_2cm4fz | t5_2to41 | 47 | Duco232: TIFU by forgetting how to masturbate
I just got out of the shower.
After having been dry for about two weeks I had a sudden urge to masterbate. I looked up some of my favorite material and once I'd done that I would go to the toilet to Jack it.
Now, I had to pee kind of badly, but choose to ignore it and pee after I was done (If you ever tried wanking after peeing you'll it's not that nice.
So I started going at it. It was awesome. I had missed this. I needed this.
I went faster and faster. Just as I was about to ejaculate I put some pressure on my bladder. Oh shit.
My dick was pointing right at my face. There was no cum, no fun. Just piss dripping down my wet face. My head hangs in shame.
[deleted]: I'm really interested on why it's not so nice after taking a piss?
Duco232: Well, It kills the boner for me and leaves a foam layer on your dick.
[deleted]: shake shake shake that thang. Run it through some water. And then bring up Asa Akira on the web. Quitting is for quitters.
Duco232: Dude I just looked up that chick after reading the comments on that one /r/music post...
Anyway I'm more into the three B's.
That is: big tits, big butts, big dicks
[deleted]: Asa? Dude she's filthy hahaha. Really though I'm not understanding your being into those three B's haha? Big tits, butts, and dicks? So like a full figured shemale? I mean if that's what you're into, cool but I just want to make sure I'm gathering all this correctly hahaha?
Duco232: Hahaha wow that was not what I meant, I mean.. eww.. shemales.
Why am I even discussing my tastes here..
[deleted]: I really just wasn't sure. How did this even come to be?! Okay yes let's end on that note hahaha.
| 8 | 5.875 | |
1407177725 | 1407183068 | t3_2cm161 | t5_2to41 | 66 | koiboy4343: TIFU, by not tightening the quick release on my front tire.
today is the first day of school, i'm not at school.
two days ago I bought some rim tape for my bicycle. the old tape was over 5 years old and I decided that it was time to change the tape. to change rim tape on a bike you have to remove the tire, and then put it back on again when you are finished. sounds pretty hard to mess up right? well I really fucked that up. when I replaced the tire i forgot to tighten the quick release again. so basically I had a bike that only worked when there was weight over the fork keeping the wheel on. lifting the fork up even an inch would let loose the tire from the fork. so i put the bike back in the garage and had a good nights sleep.
the next day I decided that I wanted to do one last bike ride before school starts. so i leave and head to the nearest biketrail and start rideing. and that is all I remember from befor the accident. when i started wakeing up, there was an ambulance next to me and I was beeing loaded in. I remember hearing one nice fellow telling me that he had moved my bike to the local food grocery store and had moved it into the back so that no one would steal it. ( pause for faith in humanity restored moment). when I woke up in the emergency room they told me that the front tire just popped off while I was rideing. also since I was training for a race the speed at which i was moveing at was well over 15 mph. after the tire came off the fork dug into the pavement catipulting me face first into the pavement. turns out I was lucky, no broken bones and no lasting effects, thouh if I were cast in a zombie movie I might win an oscar for best costume.(http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i163/koiboy4343/imagejpg1_zps0a4513fb.jpg)
....
UPDATE: feeling much better, got my bike back and only the fork is broken.
more pics: http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i163/koiboy4343/imagejpg1_zps1478213c.jpg
TheEnKrypt: > he had moved my bike to the local food grocery store and had moved it into the back so that no one would steal it.
Well, I'm glad to know such people exist.
Also, you look terrible OP. My condolences for your FU.
koiboy4343: thanks, im pretty excited though that i will have no long term cosequences. I got really lucky, apperently I could have died had I not been wearing a helmet.
| 3 | 22 | |
1407179968 | 1407184721 | t3_2cm5ld | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by screwing my ex's best friend (only hours from reuniting with my now fiance for what turned out to be our first date) NSFW
Okay so this was 2 years ago. I had broken up one week prior to this with my lying cheating boyfriend of 3 years. Who left me for a drugged up skank. That is putting it nicely. I then proceeded to go to my friends house who live across the street from my friend (through my ex who was his best friend). I then got drunk and ended up going home across the street with the ex's bf (we shall call him Steve). I had known Steve for about 6 months. I am a white girl and had only ever been with white boys. Well Steve was Indian, He jumped my bones in a heart beat. (now side note- i am usually VERY reserved and a prude and I don't do anything wild and crazy) So At first I stopped him since he had a girlfriend whom lived out of town, I told him I was single and he wasn't and that I would feel bad. Well I did it anyways and It was some crazy sex. This was the first fuck up.
The second fuck up was, a guy I liked whom was super sweet and usually worked out of town (whom I had also met through my ex) was working nearby and heard I was single so he called me. Well he came the following day to take me to dinner. Prior to his arrival, I was hanging out with my best friend at Steve's apartment. My best friend left and I figured things would be cool between me and Steve until (we will call my now fiance Joe) Joe came to pick me up that evening. Well one thing lead to another and Steve and I had at it AGAIN! I swear I will never forgive myself. So 20 mins out Joe calls me to tell me he is almost there. I panic get dressed and fix my hair and clean up. Joe arrives and visits for a few mins with me and steve before me and Joe go to eat. FUCK up number 2.
Post- Story
For about a year, I never knew my fiance knew what had happened before he came to get me that day. He told me it was written all over my face and he knew the moment he saw me. But because he knew my history and had known me over the years he over looked it. A year after this he asked me to marry him. I am thankful that he looked past my fuck up and still asked me to be his wife. It has been the best relationship I have ever been in and I tell him everything and him me, he gave up pipelining to come and build a life with me. I am so thankful. But to this day That is def.. my biggest fuck up of all time. And I have never cheated on someone when I was in a relationship and never will. I do feel terrible however that I allowed a friend to cheat with me. Only 3 people know about the story thankfully. And now all of you! So even though it was a epic fail.. at least it turned out good.
(I am new to posting.. so be kind)
8BitPoro: Tried to think of something comical and witty. Frankly to serious to-do. Glad you found a great man and best of luck! Keep him around!
hysteriahill: I definitely will. I think he understood because of his work on the pipeline. lol And that was the only time I have ever done something like that! He always tells me He would have to die or I would have to leave him to not be with him. I feel the same way!
8BitPoro: Usually the extreme - "one of us has to die for me to not be with you" should be resolved with you jumping ship and faking your death, all while moving to Russia and changing your name, family, and cat. Works like a charm every time!
EDIT: Because we on redit are civil and try to be grammatically correct.
hysteriahill: OOp only change up I have a dog. Lol And I would take her with me, and Australia not Russia.
8BitPoro: Nope, it is a must to change pets. They are to easily traced!
hysteriahill: awww... lol. I would have to get a tabby then
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1407180766 | 1407268809 | t3_2cm75n | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my kids birthday cause I wanted a Slushee...
So super late last night after browsing Reddit I decided to play some Super Mario 64 pretty late into the night since I didn't have to work today. Well, around 2am I have this urge to have a Slurpee, which is weird cause I hadn't thought/or actually had one in years. So I threw my shoes on and left my place to get one. There is a 7/11 about 4 or 5 blocks away.
So about halfway there I notice this guy waiting by a bus stop wearing jeans and a hoodie. I instantly knew something was off cause it was in the upper 70's out and this dude was dressed pretty warmly. Lo and behold something was up. About 5 steps past the bus stop I hear him charge up behind me. Just as I am about to turn around and defend myself, I feel the barrel of a gun (I assume) pressed pretty hard to the back of my head. My body began to tremble pretty hard. All he said was "give me your wallet, bitch". So I said "ok man, I don't want any trouble". I reached in my back pocket and gave it up. He paused for a second, I'm assuming looking at it and then turned around and ran. I waited a few seconds to turn around and look and he was already quite aways down the street. Feeling like I was still going to piss myself I quickly ran home. I told my wife and called the cops. They took down my info and took a description and basically told me they would keep an eye out, which I figured. I cried for about an hour after the cops left.
I cried not out of fear of my life almost ending, but the fact I wasn't more well off financially. In my wallet I had a gift card for the PC game Minecraft (he recently became obsessed with it since I got ahold of a cheap PC that could run the demo on the devs website) and 50 bucks for a cake and another present for my kid's birthday. I just got paid Friday and don't get paid for another 2 weeks. Thursday is my kids birthday. I fucked up bad. My wife is upset for both losing the money and me getting robbed but doesn't really blame me. Now I feel terrible. If I wouldn't have wanted to be a dumbass and go get a drink in the middle of the night, none of this wouldn't have happened. So yeah, my first topic creation on Reddit letting everyone know how big of a dumbass I am.
TL;DR: decided to get a Slurpee on foot at 2am, guy sticks a gun to my head and takes my wallet containing the money and Minecraft gift card for my kids birthday. I'm not a good parent.
Now what do I tell my kid? Is a 6 year old kid old enough to tell what actually happened? That people can be evil like that? Or do I make up a story as to why I ruined his birthday?
Edit: spelling
Edit 2: so many people have reached out to me and you are all wonderful. I appreciate it! Maybe now I won't have to say anything at all.
DarlingDestruction: It's not your fault some oxygen thief decided to be a douche. Don't blame yourself. As for your kid's birthday, you can still take him to a nice park, maybe out for a hike, and give him a cake to enjoy. You can get a box of cake mix for a dollar or so, and if you have flour, sugar, milk, and butter, I can give you a recipe for frosting that beats any store-bought frosting I've ever tried.
VexingRaven: Share please?
DarlingDestruction: * 6 heaping tsp. flour
* 1 cup milk
Cook together over medium heat until very thick. Cool completely. (Maybe over medium-low. It all depends on your cook top. You don't want to burn the milk.)
Add:
* 1 cup sugar
* 1/2 cup butter
* 1 tsp. vanilla
Beat thoroughly.
VexingRaven: OP delivered!
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1407182306 | 1407200777 | t3_2cma2y | t5_2to41 | 1,090 | thisisnotg00d: TIFU by finding my dad's nude pics
Let me just start off by saying that my dad is 53 years old and has been happily married for more than two decades. I'm his only child. Regardless of what just happened, I love him to death.
Anyway, I'm currently looking for a job, so I had just finished an application and was in the process of scanning it to e-mail to a potential employer. My dad is the only one in the house who has a scanner, so I went downstairs to his computer, inserted the document, logged in to my gmail account, went to attach a document and **BOOM!** I see the last file folder my dad had open, and god I wish I hadn't.
Staring me in the face was a folder with one picture of my fifty-three year old father's cock and balls, and three of him sitting half-naked on his bed in various suggestive poses, holding a book in front of his face to mask his identity. Naturally, I froze. I tried not to scream because my mother was in the house and I did not want to let her in on this discovery. The file location was C: -> Program Files -> Adobe -> program data -> some long string of numbers and letters -> "pics." He had clearly kept this hidden relatively well. Except for the fact that he had just been digging around in that folder before he left for work this morning. Dumbass.
Here's where I really fucked up: I navigated back a page - to the folder named "cg66m90ajd4" or something like that - the one he had obviously made himself. It was an impulsive click. I'm not really sure what I expected to come of it. (As if seeing pictures of my AARP-eligible father posing like a Playboy model in his sweaty briefs wasn't enough? Fuck you brain.) In this folder there were several .jpg files depicting the covers of various erotic books ("The World's Longest Orgasm" and "Hottest Sex Positions of 2011," to name a few) as well as **four or five other folders of different 50-something women I had never seen before.** Holy fucking shit. These pictures varied in suggestiveness: some were just innocent headshots, others were pictures of feet, fifty-year-old breasts (with their bra on at least,) and so forth.
I took a glimpse at two of these folders, then paged back out and checked the properties to see when they were created (silently cursing myself all the way for investigating so far into this.) Some were from 2011 and 2012, but a couple of them had been made as recently as this June. Finally, I snapped out of it, found the file of the application in "Downloads" and sent it to my potential boss.
This happened a few hours ago and I literally have not stopped thinking about it. The most troubling part is that a few of those pictures of my father had to have been taken by someone else standing in his bedroom, and I certainly can't see my mom agreeing to the task if his intention was to send it to other women. And why was he looking at it just this morning?
Dad comes home from work soon and I don't know if I can keep my cool. What the fuck do I do?
**TL;DR:** Saw my dad's dick, uncovered possible infidelity, may be hired for a position at my local library soon
thetrue23: Tomorrows post: TIFU accidentally Sending my dads nudes to potential employer.
YouGotAte: And underneath it: "TIFU by accidentally leaving my nudes in a folder for my son to discover"
t3yrn: Or daughter.
Zadiuz: yea I was thinking daughter, I feel like a guy wouldn't care nearly as much.
Octopus_Tetris: Guy here, would definitely freak out a bit.
| 6 | 181.666667 | |
1407182956 | 1407186171 | t3_2cmbcj | t5_2to41 | 73 | ihave12fingers: TIFU By getting fuzzy blankets at Costco
Well, I just moved into a new house, so I went to the local Costco to buy large amounts of dishware and fuzzy blankets for my new furniture.
As I was browsing the fuzzy blanket selection, I see a girl who looks amazing from behind (there is no right way to type that).
Being the male I am, I let my hormones take over.
I started to walk towards her and on my way I grab two pairs of jeans off of a stack ( these were a part of my pick-up)
I tap her on the shoulder and start in with the line " excuse me, I can't decide which one of these I like more. Can you tell me-"
Then she turned towards me.
As did the old lady with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thing that came to my mind.
"Oh my god I didn't know you were fucking retarded!"
I swear to god, everyone just stopped and stared.
This was definitely the time to make my escape. As I turned to run, the old lady started screamig "HELP, THERE'S A PERVERT IN HERE".
I made it out the door and to my car without anyone tackling me, thank god.
Needless to say, I didn't get my fuzzy blankets.
TL;DR: Went to get dishware and fuzzy blankets at Costco, accidentally became a pervert who preys on special ed girls
EDIT: YES she was actually "Fucking retarded"
Harlequitmix: Sounds like a new catchphrase!
[deleted]: "Are you fucking sorry?"
Harlequitmix: Oh my god I didn't know you were a fucking retard!
| 4 | 18.25 | |
1407182695 | 1407338212 | t3_2cmaut | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing laundry at my boyfriend's house
Fantastipotamus: I assure you, she has seen panties before
harmlessmaniac: oh hey did ron howard and his kids ever get to see you perform?
Fantastipotamus: They caught my second performance of the day
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407181604 | 1407242710 | t3_2cm8qs | t5_2to41 | 3,151 | BoredToDeath22: TIFU by flashing the 'sex in shower' signal to the wrong gender (didn't even know there was a signal)
So today I fucked up.
Let me preface this by saying that first, fuck grammar. Hmm, looks like I fucked up twice today...
Anyway. A little backstory. I'm a twenty-something straight guy. Currently I'm traveling through South America on a budget so am staying at hostels, eating mystery meat from the sidewalk vendor, basically all the fun stuff.
After a long bus ride the day before and a good nights sleep in a Chilean hostel I wake up just as the complementary breakfast is coming to an end. Oops. Ah well, fuck breakfast, never bought into the whole "most important meal of the day" adage.
Getting up certain needs make themselves known to me. So I pull on my shirt and shorts and head out to the bathroom. In doing so I pass through the hostel's dining area.
As I give the room a cursory sweep my eyes lock with the only occupant of the room, some guy who's still working on his breakfast. I give him the usual cool guy head nod and keep on walking. After a few seconds he breaks his gaze.
More backstory.
Now since I've been backpacking through SA I've been in the habit of wearing a tee shirt and shorts. As it is winter here there have been quite a few lingering looks my way because of this. However my hailing from a very cold State gives me a fairly high cold resistance, and dammit if it isn't summer as far as I'm concerned. 'Murica. Fuck Yea. Something something dark side.
Moving on. Being the genial person I am I either nod or smile when I see looking looking at me. Recently I've started taking joy in looking back and seeing if I can catch them looking again, about a third of the time I do. Usually a sheepish look crosses their face and their necks snap around so fast they've likely suffered from whiplash. Now a few, a very few times I've turned back a third time and caught one or two people craning their necks for one last look. At this point I start laughing and they either join in our just look mortified and start speed walking the fuck outta Dodge.
Back to this morning.
This fun little activity being fresh on my mind, once I clear this guys field of vision I look back and bam! I catch him looking at me again. He quickly averts his eyes and I turn ahead. After a few more steps I wonder if I can catch this dude yet again. Low and behold there he is, looking at me. I'm a little surprised at this point cause I'm indoors and had just woken up, my attire isn't that farfetched...
Putting this out of my mind I find the bathroom and relieve myself of my cumbersome burden.
Next up is a good shower so I grab the necessities but both are occupado so I set up camp in the lounge area and start perusing the backpacker exchange bookshelf. I grab a copy of A Feast for Crows, flip it open randomly and see which of my favorite characters die this chapter.
After a few minutes of intrigue, incest and impalements I look up to see that the dude has sat with another guy on the barstools lining the wall to my right, facing me. I nod to them and return to my reading.
Out of the corner of my eye I see the bathroom has been vacated so I gather my things and move to intercept.
As I pass the two dudes on the barstools one of them, the newcomer, asks where I'm from. I reply I'm from the States and ask where they call home, he responds Chile. The breakfast starer doesn't join in but looks at me the whole time. After a short exchange I break off the conversation and make way to the shower.
The range for hostel bathrooms is pretty incredible. Sometimes you get nice single bathrooms with ample room sometimes you get a converted kitchen with a bucket (I wish I was joking...)
This hostel was not bad, hot water was evident per the steamed up mirror, there were two toilet stalls and two bathroom stalls facing each other. The dividers and doors were made up of thin, white, sheets of plastic, very flimsy. Each shower was maybe 4' by 4', not bad at all. And there was hot water!
By now both showers are empty so I pick the one furthest from the door. I put my towel on the door of the stall and my soap in it. I give the hot water heaters a few extra minutes to recharge and decide a good shave is in order.
Accordingly I take up residence at the lone sink which is right next to the first shower. As I'm finishing up my shave I see through the mirror the breakfast dude come in with a towel. I don't pay much attention and do away with my Hitler 'stache (fucker ruined a awesome look btw)
I hear the shower head running but it's too far away from me, it's coming from my claimed stall. I sigh and turn to tell the guy to at least take my stuff out of the stall.
I freeze.
The dude. The man who gave me the trice over is now standing buck naked in front of my shower stall. The guy is staring right at me. His eyes seem to bore right into mine and he has this little smile across his face.
I quickly break contact without saying anything. That was uncomfortable. But hey, whatever. I'm pretty experienced with the hostel scene. Some people change in plain view, I don't. It's cool.
Realizing there is still the issue of my soap and towel. I call out that my things are in the stall. He responds yes.
I cast around for something to erase the image of another dude's dong from my mind I decide that a sharp object scraping against my face should cut it. I start vigorously re-lathering my face, my first shave was just god awful and it needs to be done all over again, maybe even a third time depending.
I finish up my second shave and cautiously peer around the corner. He's gone. Sweet.
I move to the small stool situated against the back wall. I see my clothes but no soap or towel. A little puzzled I look and see my towel is still hanging from the now occupied stall and that the sliding door is ajar. No, thats not the right word. The damn thing is more than half open. It seems to be taunting me.
By this point I'm done. I really don't think I can reason my way out of this. I grab the spare soap from my kit and like ripping a bandaid from a half healed cut I whip my towel off the stall door and beeline to the unoccupied stall.
Once in I allow myself to breathe. I overreacted. He must not have understood me when I told him about the soap. I undress and turn on the mercifully hot water.
After a few minutes I notice the dark shape on the other side of the divider. The dude is really close to it. I nervously watch as the undefined dark mass sharpens as it gets closer and closer to the plastic. At this point he must be literally inches from the screen. As the shape tilts to one side I realize, with dawning horror that whoever built these stalls was a sick bastard who's name was most likely Peeping Tom. There is a two inch wide split from the sliding doors and the separating wall and this guy is unmistakably bending his head trying to look through the crack.
I analyze the stall and try to access an angle that would render me unobservable to this dude. All I can think right now is one thing. Don't. Drop. The. Fucking. Soap.
After a few minutes I hear his water turn off and him get out. I resume my shower a little relieved but still on edge.
But Peeping Tom the Sick Contractor strikes again. My sliding door wouldn't close all the way, there was maybe a solid half inch of open space between the door and the jam. And through this crack I could see this guy toweling himself off right in front of the opening. He has the whole room to choose from and he picks there. Worse, he is peering in. A brown eye is just leering on through.
At this point all pretense is gone. Hell it was probably gone a while ago. But I pride myself on my almost superhuman ability to deny the obvious.
I shut off the water and begin to vigorously towel myself, covering up as much as I could manage. I pay extra attention to my fingernails, really trying to get the dirt out from under them and pull off those annoying hangnails. Next up are my ears. Eternity passed, I strayed out of thought and time.
Mid clean I am suddenly distracted by a lone finger curling itself around my sliding door. Now I'm a little freaked. Seriously dude. If you slide open that door...
He pulls the door open maybe 5" and his face materializes, thankfully that's all I can see. He then says soap and hands me my Dr. Bronner's and walks away. My mouth is hanging open. I stare incredulously at the soap.
TL:DR: Accidentally flashed the super secret lets have sex in the shower signal, problem is it was to the wrong sex... Also he is a perv.
Dchipz: TYFU by over-doing the head nod.
sswarden: Just to clarify, I believe the universal "I want to get naked with you" sign for gay guys is the both-guys-doing-the-look-back-thing more than once, NOT the head-nod.
Multiple mutual turn backs is basically an implied contract. So, straight guys, if this is your habit, you may be misunderstood.
Miagigato: I always greet men by firmly gripping their penis. I'm a straight male. Do you think my actions my be misunderstood?
UnculturedLout: I think it's instinctive flirting behaviour, gay or not.
Barmleggy: I remember reading about [Flagging](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handkerchief_code) on some geocities-type erotica message board as a bored first-time-on-the-internet teen. It was/is basically a secret gay code system for indicating what you're into by putting a different [color](http://imgur.com/ccY6w2a) bandanna in your back pocket. It always made me laugh because Springsteen's [Born in the USA](http://imgur.com/SGr1g4P) seems to sorta indicate he's into fisting.
WeaponsHot: The hankie code is very rarely used anymore. And typically only during fetish events. You'll likely never see it in your day to day travels.
keltor2243: If anything it's used in general by the entire fetish/BDSM and even there it's just not a common as it once was. The funny thing to me is even though at fetish/BDSM events it's only like 1 person in 100 that do it, EVERYONE seems to know what the majority of the colors mean.
ilikeeatingbrains: I don't, what do they mean?
Barmleggy: [Here](http://flaggingopinicusrampant.wordpress.com/hanky-code/) is a huge list.
ilikeeatingbrains: Calico is my favourite. I wonder if Neil Patrick Harris owns a grey flannel suit?
Barmleggy: I didn't even think they made that many kinds of bandanas.
ilikeeatingbrains: Hey, do you like apples?
| 13 | 242.384615 | |
1407184430 | 1407212617 | t3_2cme6s | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by making salsa for my first time.
After chopping up jalapeño, pablano, and Serrano peppers, I decided to use the bathroom while the tomatillios simmered. This being my first time making salsa, I quickly learned that I should've washed my hands before touching my pecker. Needless to say, that shit burned. Oh my God, did that shit burn. As it gradually got hotter, I made my way to the pool which didn't provide much relief. I just had to ride out the storm. Please learn from my mistake and wash your hands after handling peppers before you touch your crotch area.
mgsandler82: water does nothing, should have applied hand cream, or (as weird as it sounds) put milk on the area
[deleted]: More people need to know this.
MaIoo: Everybody does know this.
| 4 | 6 | |
1407184122 | 1407277833 | t3_2cmdl7 | t5_2to41 | 282 | CarsTrucksBuses: TIFU by wearing a Grateful Dead shirt
Last night I was wearing a GD shirt that I've have since about 7th grade, they used to be my favorite band and the shirt is awesome. So anyway, I was with two friends last night and we drove to the liquor store to get some beer, It was about 1:30am. My friend sitting in the back seat ran inside, and me and my other friend waited in the car with the windows down. As we're talking, a car pulls up next to us. I glance over, and the driver looks extremely sketchy, so I keep talking and ignore their presence. So we're talking, and all of a sudden somebody sticks their hand through the car window holding an open mason jar about half filled with a clear liquid with an orange slice in it. He's holding it right in front of my nose. I look up and it's some skinny kid with meth lips and he says to me "Take a sip and get my number". I'm extreme confused and sketched out, I ask him whats in it and he just says "Take a sip and get my number" again. I refuse, he tells me its moonshine, sticks the jar in front of my face again, I refuse again. Now, I would gave gotten out of the car and kicked this kids ass, but the driver of the car was triple my size, completely bald, and had huge beard. The kid says to me "That a Grateful Dead shirt?" "Yeah...." I reply. Well "Take a sip and get my number or give me your shirt. Look" He shows me his wrist and there is a Grateful dead 'steal your face' tattoo on his wrist "I'm family" he tells me. I'm still super confused and kinda freaked out now because of how weird this situation is. I push this kids hand out of the window and tell him I don't want his mystery liquid, they get visibly more angry and demanding. "Take a sip or give me your shirt. I'm an uncle" The huge bald dude demands from his car. Our friend finally comes out of the liquor store, gets in the car, and we drive off. Turns out, the 'Family' the kid was referring to is 'The Grateful Dead Family' is a gang of drug dealing spunions, and the 'uncle' is a member of the gang who is older and gives drugs to younger kids in the gang. The jar was probably filled with alcohol mixed with a ridiculous amount of LSD (the orange slice is for extra vitamin c which supposedly makes your trip harder) hence the "...take my number" they were selling Acid. As we leave the larking lot, they start yelling that if they ever see me again they'll "fuck me up". Definitely one of the weirdest things to happen to me recently.
[deleted]: Been a deadhead for a long time. Dealt with family and rainbow tribe many times. This is just some weird isolated thing. Means nothing. Not all black people are gang members, not all deadheads, or "family" members are aggressive low-life scum.
arcainic: But anyone who crosses me or I dislike is scum right? Isn't that how this works?
[deleted]: So you think it's ok try and intimidate someone into taking hallucinogenics? That's not how it works, that's not how any of this works.
arcainic: How the did you manage to get that from what I wrote?
If you think I've actually read anything more than fragments of comments in this thread, guess again.
[deleted]: I was thinking the same thing, how did you manage to get that from what I wrote? Did you even read OP?
arcainic: I just admitted previously I didn't. Don't you dare drag OP into this.
[deleted]: dammit, man, you're breaking my brain.
arcainic: Another day, another peon left bewildered.
[deleted]: How do you cope with being bewildered so often?
arcainic: It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.
| 11 | 25.636364 | |
1407185539 | 1407220983 | t3_2cmgdl | t5_2to41 | 1,699 | Isansa: TIFU by taking a lactose-intolerant girl out for some ice cream.
This is probably more her TIFU than mine, but I asked a girl I've already been seeing a little to grab some ice cream and maybe rent a movie after. So we go get ice cream, and are driving to a video store when she kinda halts our progress and asks if I can drive her home for something she forgot she needs to do. At first I was suspicious and thought she was trying to cancel our plans for some reason. But I was like, "Yeah, sure...is everything ok?" Her response was along the lines of "Yeah yeah, I just need to do something." After I guess getting a few red lights in traffic, she's like, "Can you hurry, please?" I tell her yeah but again, "So what's wrong??" I put it together as I'm driving and then I ask, "Do you need to poop or something?" half-joking around. She's like, "SHUT UP!", which I take as an affirmative response. And I'm sorry - I just can't stop laughing at the situation, as I feel like this is more something that would happen to me than my date. She rolls down the window. I ask, laughing, "ARE YOU FARTING??" Again, her response is "SHUT UP!" and she's fanning herself. We park. She gets out and takes my car keys to make sure I can't leave in disgust (which I wasn't anyway). And several minutes later we continue our date, and the topic is now unmentionable.
But I had to just vent about this one.
TL;DR: Took lactose intolerant girl out for ice cream. We ended up having to make an emergency run to her place and she almost shit her pants in my car.
EDIT: Definitely didn't expect this to blow up so a few explanations, along with a silent prayer she doesn't read this and figure out it's about us. I think she kinda strays from her lactose intolerant diet sometimes and pays the price, maybe it doesn't hit her that bad all the time. ... This is a one of those cool-ish video stores that has rare stuff that's hard to find through Netflix or whatever. But I think even they are suffering business-wise and even though they're a mainstay where they are they may not be open too much longer.
MojarraMuncher: Two Situations here.
1. Girl is a champ. Knew she was LI but still dug you to the point of poisoning her insides. A keeper.
2. Girl went X amount of years without dairy and ice cream. Probably home schooled and weird.
Isansa: Nah not home-schooled. She said she usually takes some pill before eating dairy stuff that works well, but I guess she forgot it this time. She is a little weird though, but I like em that way cause so am I.
jjgonya: Depending on how/when you want to approach this, you could buy Lactaid (the lactase pills), put a bow on it and give it to her for next time.
Isansa: Funny, her birthday is coming up. Hmm.
jjgonya: Make sure if you're going to do this, you have another present. Like the Lactaid being an (ironically) useful gag gift, and then a nice proper birthday gift.
Isansa: Ahh dang. I was gonna do a box-within-a-box type thing, starting with a giant gift box and ending with the wrapped Lactaid. But yeah your way is better.
[deleted]: Box in a box it anyways. Get a big box, then a little box. Then get a lactaid bottle, empty it if you bought it, throwing the pills in a bag in your car for just in case next time, and put something small and cute like a little necklace or bracelet if she's into that sort of thing. Put the lactaid bottle in the little box with her real gift in it. Hilarity ensues.
handydandydoo: > throwing the pills in a bag in your car for just in case
Don't tell her what they are though. They'll be your surprise pills.
thehenkan: ಠ_ಠ
| 10 | 169.9 | |
1407186872 | 1407187493 | t3_2cmiy7 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally deleting my entire music library.
Bought a new computer, had 300+ songs in my Amazon MP3 music cloud. Downloaded the program, CTRL+A, drag to download list.
Terrific, my music was downloading. It was going to take a while, so I looked back through my library and saw an album I didn't want to download as I didn't like their music anymore.
So I right click on the album, and hit delete.
All of the fucking albums were still highlighted.
Now the entire cloud library is empty. I don't have it stored elsewhere.
Guitarknowitall: You can right click and press Undo delete...
Cmiriquii: This is within the Amazon Music program, there is no right-click option?
Guitarknowitall: If you already purchased the music you can probably download it again...
Cmiriquii: I have gone back to the website and checked my music library. It's all empty. Similarly when I go back to my order history and attempt to launch the purchased album through Amazon Music Library - it is still empty.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407184954 | 1407190720 | t3_2cmf7e | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a poo
Kespatcho: But did your toilet monsters touch you?
souleater1236: I'm pretty sure they violated my leg.
Kespatcho: Maybe they just wanted to go back home.
souleater1236: They're in the trash now.
Kespatcho: ncaaw... That's so sad.
souleater1236: Well they're the ones who scared me first!
Kespatcho: You could've at least said goodbye to them first.
souleater1236: I could have but they are monsters so they wouldnt even care. They deserve to die in the trash can from dehydration.
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1407186945 | 1407719068 | t3_2cmj3n | t5_2to41 | 9 | Ineedhelpthrowaway66: Tifu by getting my ex pregnant.
It starts like this, I met a girl through work and hit it off. We started dating and it was awesome. We both had a lot of baggage and I think used the relationship as a crutch. About 6-7 months later she is starting to fall madly in love with me and I just wasn't feeling the same. After lots of thought I figured it would be best if we broke up. After I break it off she tells me she was pregnant with my baby but miscarried after the breakup. I can't confirm this, but she also threatened to hurt herself during the break up so I couldn't tell if she was just trying to guilt me back to her. We stop talking for a while and I dated a few others in the mean time. I got really lonely and depressed about 2 months ago and she just happened to start talking to me around the same time. Things happen and we end up hooking up a few times. We agreed it was just physical but deep down I probably knew she still liked me. I feel like shit for not listening to my gut. She told me she was on birth control and because of her miscarriage she couldn't have kids. It still freaked me out so I used a condom. I did do it raw for a bit but had a panic attack. I never came inside her. Now she tells me she's 5 weeks pregnant and wants to keep it. My whole body feels like there's 100lbs on my chest. She said I don't need to be there and she knows I don't want it. She actually said "I'm giving you an out, you don't have to even be on the birth certificate". As much as id love for this to just go away I'm not the kind of person to just abandon this situation. We both have crap jobs and unstable living conditions and I think it'd be a horrible way to raise a kid but I told her it's her body, her choice. I kinda hate my life and myself.
Sorry if it's a wall of text, I've never posted before.
azgary: May not be a baby and if there is it may not be yours. She lied about the birth control pills. She's just saying what she knows you want to hear. I will bet she's not pregnant. No more fucking her!
Ineedhelpthrowaway66: God I hope so. I told her I want a DNA test and then we got into an argument about our past and now she says she's done with it and will have the abortion. However I doubt if if she pregnant she'll go through with it
techtechtechtech: You make her produce a receipt from planned parenthood if she says she gets an abortion. Otherwise, she's just saying she got one to cover up that there was no baby to begin with.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407186922 | 1407365293 | t3_2cmj28 | t5_2to41 | 12 | iDongiveafuck: TIFU by unknowingly turning down a hot gal
Okay this is my first reddit post,have always thought of joining and starting some discussions but never felt like asking something before today.(Myself :27/M/6'0/178 lbs with a decent job and an ambivert.I think m above average looking why I say so - based on my past experiences, but not really handsome).
So this is what happened on Saturday night which forced me to come here and ask you guys this -- We (my 2 friends and their gfs,) go in to a downtown bar and sit down to just have a good Saturday evening,as I walk in I notice a gal,she must be a 8 or 9/10 and I let any other thoughts go because apparently she is way out of my league and so no way interested in me and moreover there are guys with her,so probably one of them is her bf.Anyways fast forward - she gets a bit drunk and walks over to our table and started chatting up with me,I just take it casual assuming she is just being friendly,while her hands are on me.And after 3-4 minutes of formal talk she goes back and I just look back at my friends,who have now completely disgust face at me - Girls go berserk over me saying what the fuck did you just do,according to them she did everything to tell me that she is interested and I obviously a moron had no clue about it.Anyways the girl ended up going with this guy at the same bar who was definitely hotter than me,and also the girls(my friends) tried to hook me up numerous times later in the night,but I had lost interest with everything,just kept drinking and feeling like a stupid idiot looser
So my question to guys of Reddit - How do you tell if a gal is hitting on you ?
Tl/Dr - Fucked up by unknowingly turning down a hot gal.
Please excuse my formatting/grammar,this is my first post here.
knopper91: Fail bro. We've all been there though. lol Easiest things are touching, smiling. If she keeps touching or smiling and bringing the conversation back to you then she is probably interested. The other note that most people dont get is the eyes. Most women when they are interested in someone their eyes dialate. and they tend to almost have a softer warmer glow to them. There's very small "ticks" that you learn to pickup on after a good amount of time. Psycholoy and SCIENCE!!!
iDongiveafuck: Thanks bro,appreciate your tips.Btw are you one Don Juan ?
knopper91: Haha, why yes, yes I am.....
| 4 | 3 | |
1407188385 | 1407211795 | t3_2cmltq | t5_2to41 | 21 | Shania_Payne: TIFU by throwing yogurt out of my car window
This happened last week, but whatever.
I grabbed a cup of yogurt for breakfast on my way into work, but only ate a few bites of it. After a 10-hour shift on a 95-degree day, I returned to my car and saw a pretty disgusting hot, separated yogurt cup left in the cup holder.
I eyed the cup the whole way home, trying to decide the best way to dispose of it. Thinking about picking this yogurt cup up and carrying it up four flights of stairs to my apartment to throw away wasn't something I was very excited about. I could carry it to the outside dumpster, but that was a decent walk from my parking space and I just wanted to get home and collapse on the couch after my long day. While pondering my options, I turned onto a side street along my usual route home. I looked around to see no cars and nothing but woods on either side of the road. Then it hit me - I could solve this problem right now - just toss that curdled mess into the woods and forget about it forever.
So I roll my window down and grab the cup. Before chucking it, I realize I have to get a pretty hard throw in to make sure it doesn't come back and hit the back end of my car. I also want to be sure it makes it to the woods and doesn't land in the middle of the street. So I wind up for the fastest pitch I've ever thrown, and launch it full-speed toward the window. Unfortunately, driving, throwing, and aiming were too much for me to handle at once, and the cup didn't make it out the window. It hit the interior of the car near the window and EXPLODED everywhere. I mean everywhere. It was inside my ear, it coated my eye lashes, it was all over my clothes, every crevasse in the front seats had yogurt spatter in it. When I pulled over to assess the damage, the seatbelt recoiled and oozed yogurt mess through the mechanism. I had to finish the remainder of my commute covered in yogurt, then spend the rest of the evening scrubbing it out of my seats. My car hasn't been the same since.
**TL;DR -** Tried to throw rotten yogurt out the car window, missed the target and a yogurt bomb detonated all over everything in sight
ilove2poop: You're a cunt for littering.
LordBlackmore: Well that escalated quickly.
| 3 | 7 | |
1407189053 | 1407190158 | t3_2cmn2m | t5_2to41 | 5 | IFeedonKarmaa: TIFU by showing my friends a picture
This happened a few months ago but it just popped into my head. A little backstory. I was at Whole Foods a few months prior to this night and needed to use the bathroom. After I was done I passed by a stall and noticed something odd. Someone had taken a shit, but not just any shit. This was one solid piece of fiber infused glory. Easily the most well formed log I had ever seen, so naturally I took a picture.
Fast forward to the night in question. I'm going out to the bars with my buddies and we had pregamed in the car prior to walking to the bar. On our way there the topic of shitting came up and I just HAD to show my friends this glorious shit I had witnessed. We all had a good laugh with some shock and awe thrown in.
So we get to the bar and it was a little dead but we stuck around. Towards the end of the night some of my friends stepped outside for a smoke so I joined them. I notice a girl standing by herself so I approached her and chatted for a little while. It was time to go, so I asked her for her number. I went to pull out my phone, and what was the first thing we both saw? A toilet with a fucking 10 inch log in it. I panicked as I saw her face go from smiling to WTF in an instant. I explained the situation but needless to say it did not end well.
TL:DR: Took a picture of a shit, showed my friends then later bombed with this girl because it was still open on my phone.
Edit: Grammar
themachonachoman: You poor bastard.... I too have felt the shame of this but I should it to my mother instead of showing her a pic of my little brother.
You have my deepest condolences.
IFeedonKarmaa: Shit happens i guess!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407189896 | 1407223684 | t3_2cmolx | t5_2to41 | 30 | glithert: TIFU by wearing an aquaman shirt
Coupla weeks ago, I was helping my mom do her grocery shopping. She shops at sams club, right? Bulk is cheaper. Except she's old, and she doesn't want to lift all those big packages. So I'm there to do it for her. That particular day I was wearing this bright orange aquaman shirt. No big deal, right? Except it was. When we get to the register, the guy manning it sees my shirt, and immediately launches into this tirade.
Him: You know Aquaman sucks, right?
Me: That's nice.
H: He talks to fish.
M: Yes, he does do that.
H: He TALKS to FISH.
M: Yes.
H: Do you even realize how stupid that is? Superman can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. Batman has a bunch of gadgets and a sports car. Thor has a hammer. Cap has a shield. Aquaman TALKS to FISH.
M: Aquaman can talk to other forms of marine life. It's not just fish.
H: So?
M: What if Cthulhu attacked? Aquaman would be our best bet.
H: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
etc etc.
Apparently this exchange really riled him up, because as I'm pushing the cart away I hear him start talking to the lady in line behind us. He doesn't start with good afternoon, Ma'am, or any other such thing. He starts with "What do you think of Aquaman?"
Pick234: Some aquamans(men? I don't know) suck, but to me the only real aqua man is the guy who can take all the water out of your body and leave you a dry husk.
Any other aquamen are just imitators.
Munchkin_Masher: His wife, Mera, she can do that.
Pick234: So can he.
Munchkin_Masher: Only after he loses his original hand, and the hook is replaced by the Lady of the Lake. Although some versions of Aquaman do have low-level hydrokinesis, it's not enough to draw all water from a being.
Pick234: Either way, it's a lot better than the other guy :)
| 6 | 5 | |
1407189748 | 1407193794 | t3_2cmocu | t5_2to41 | 98 | maniclurker: TIFU by not really earning an STD or 2
So... Wild River Country (a water park for those who don't know) has an "adult night" on the last Friday of every month. I go with a group of about 12 people, a mix of family and friends. Good times are had all over, most of us get pretty shit faced.
Time to leave, and I'm walking down the steps just outside of the entrance. In the midst of the crowd streaming out of the gates, completely separated from my group, I see one of my sister's friends who came with us. She's hot, the girl's at least a 7. We just stared at each other like 5 seconds. Then we attacked each other and began to viciously make out. Completely oblivious to everything and everyone around us, we are nearly knocking other people over and falling down steps. It's probably the sloppiest, most ridiculous looking shit. Our group sees us, and has to physically corral us towards the vehicle.
6 of us pack into a Civic, she's in my lap. This vehicle contains: My sister, her boyfriend, 2 of their other friends, and me and this chick. Heavy petting initiates, and I start whispering shit into her ear. Not even 2 minutes later, I'm 2 fingers deep under her panties, and she's rubbing my dick through my shorts. Everyone else in the car is trying their best to ignore the quiet moans and rubbing noises.
We get to my sister's and her boyfriend's apartment. We eat some food. He (sister's boyfriend) grabs me and tells me to go to the guest bedroom and get on the bed. He nods at me with the "you know what I'm talking about" look. Backstory on this: All my friends and close family know I'm basically retarded when it comes to females. My social skills are not all that great to begin with, and even worse when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. So, I figure he knows best.
She comes in, we get busy. I can't get it up. It's fucking miserable. I'm embarrassed, but I soldier on. I go down on her for like 20 minutes, she gets off a few times. We try for penetration one more time. I get it like half in, and completely lose feeling again. We give up and pass out.
Fast forward about a week. I'm going over to my sister's place to spend the night. We're leaving the next day for a weekend on the beach with other friends. She tells me that her friend went to the health clinic to get tested and she thinks she has something. She says the doctor thinks it's either herpes or gonorrhea. We didn't use a condom. FML.
My sister called me 15 minutes ago to let me know the good news: gonorrhea and chlamydia.
TL;DR: I probably caught gonorrhea and the clap from my sister's friend, even though I couldn't really get it in.
likes2lookATu: ED problems aside. I would say you earned those STD's, unlike your title says. From the sounds of it, be thankful it wasn't herpes. You sound young, like early-twenties young. I would take care of those STD's immediately and start focusing on why you have ED problems at such a young age.
Wait, you said you went down on this chick, did she get the STD's from you or did she have them already? You didn't get that shit on your face did you?
freshpondindian16: [Chlamydia of the Mouth](https://www.google.com/search?q=chlamydia+mouth&client=firefox-a&hs=y87&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&channel=sb&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=Uw3gU-H_D8iRyATPlIK4Ag&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=1143&bih=734&dpr=0.9)
Slaugh: fuck you
| 4 | 24.5 | |
1407190783 | 1407194352 | t3_2cmqae | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by sharing porn with a friend.
Okay, so like most FU's, this did not happen today, but years ago.
I had invited two friends over and naturally, being horny kids, we browsed through porn while keeping watch for any adults. A friend wanted a picture to what I can only assume, fap to, later. I printed a picture out for him, although I don't recall the contents of the picture. I gave it to him then we went outside and played. A week later his mother came over to speak to my father about me and she was upset that I gave her son a printed picture of a nude woman. I was humiliated and grounded and I never saw him again to this day. Also I never returned his Super Smash Bros. that I "borrowed" from him.
Spyder_V: Porn for Smash Bros.?
Seems like a worthwhile exchange.
[deleted]: Yeah. Serves him right for telling his mom on me.
MSLB: You bought porn?
[deleted]: I did. Just bought a membership to this awesome porn site not an hour ago.
MSLB: Waste of money?
Edit: fixed a word
[deleted]: Meh, I don't have anything else to spend it on really. I have everything I need. It was only $30.
MSLB: Is this a throwaway?
[deleted]: I think so.
MSLB: You don't know for sure if its a throwaway or not?
[deleted]: I do, but shouldn't it be obvious? :P
I mean I've been a redditor for 6 hours.
MSLB: Well I'm lazy and didn't check how old the account was... So my fault here I'm the idiot
[deleted]: Nah, it's my fault. I should told you the first time you asked. Yes, this is a throwaway.
MSLB: Ok
| 14 | 3.071429 | |
1407186377 | 1407200043 | t3_2cmhy7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Orion_00: TIFU by sitting on the toilet for too long
Well, it was a hot summer day, and after eating tons of hot dogs and smores, I was a having a major bowel movement.I excused my self form the fun and went to empty my colon. I decided to bring my phone like anyone would, and browse the reddits. When I finally decided to get off the pooter, I stood up to do the usual wipe down. I guess I had been sitting there hunched over looking at my phone for TOO long, because I had a headrush, my feet and legs were 'asleep,' I couldn't see straight, and I toppled over, banging my head on the counter, thus making me go unconscious for about 12 minutes. My friend found me, face down on the ground cheeks out. Luckily they didn't take any pictures ..
Sorry for those revolting jokes about my clogged anal cavity...
TL;DR
Had to take a massive shit
Stayed on the shitter for too long, legs and feet asleep, head rush
Fell over, banged my head on the counter
Went unconscious
PIRATEghost85: If you were out for 12 minutes you are probably concussed. Would see a Dr.
Orion_00: Am going tomorrow.
| 3 | 2 | |
1407192762 | 1407197128 | t3_2cmtvp | t5_2to41 | 33 | ConfusedCow: TIFU by leaving a picture of a half-naked woman on my phone
I was on my dinner break, browsing reddit while I eat in the break room. I usually bring my own lunch to work. Why is this relevant? Because I like to set my lunch box in front of me (force of habit).
Anyway, I clicked on this picture because I thought this woman looked fairly attractive. It had a NSFW tag on it, but I was feeling ballsy since the room was empty. I grabbed an apple out of my lunch box to eat while it loaded, then a co-worker came in. We made some small talk 10-15 seconds max. I have known her for awhile, but not that well. Just work acquaintances.
This small talk occurred the same time she was putting her food in the fridge, making her face away me. But there were some seconds where she was facing me. When she left, I nearly shit myself because I had forgotten about the picture and it was finished loading.
No clue if she saw it or not. I'm afraid to walk around in case I see her.
DOUBLE FUCKED OREOS
Edit: My phone was flat on the table near my lunchbox
[deleted]: How nsfw of a pic are we talking about?
ConfusedCow: There weren't any clear boobs, nor was it sexually explicit in pornographic way. It was kind of a nude selfie. The boobs mostly covered but there was a clear ass, like a polished up peach in the middle of the pic. If I find it again, I'll post it here.
[deleted]: Yeah I wouldn't really worry about it man, even if this lady at your work is super conservative and decided to tell the higher ups you could always argue that you weren't on company time and on your own personal device. Hell I used to be a custodian at a corporate office and some guys had bikini model calendars in their cubicles, even though they're non-nude, it was still pretty risque for a work environment imo.
ConfusedCow: Thanks for the input, AnalPestilence
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1407192573 | 1407234837 | t3_2cmtjk | t5_2to41 | 9 | atlamarksman: TIFU by getting a ride home from a friend
So rather than take a long and drawn out bus ride home from high school, my friend offered me a ride home. (We're both seniors.) She was really nice about it and I thought nothing of it. She drove me home and I invited her in for some water for a second to thank her. Her mom called and sounded angry that she hadn't driven straight home. I then explained on her phone that she had given me a ride home, just being a good friend. (Bad idea, she hasn't had her license long enough for passengers.) She started to leave so I walked out with her to her car. She started to get back in to go home. She hugged me and I hugged back, saying, "See you tomorrow" and things like that. She kissed me on the cheek, and I turned and sort of backed off; I was gonna smile and wave her goodbye when she got in the car. Then, as I turned, she started kissing me, and I kissed her back. This is one of my best friends, but I have kinda liked her for a while and she's been sort of hinting. After like 30 seconds, we pulled apart and I smiled and said, "Well, that was unexpected." and looked as if to say, "But nice. Definitely nice." She said, "Yeah... I'll see you later." and kind of left hurriedly. So then I thought that I fucked up.
Then it got worse. I got a call from her about an hour later and she said she's gotten her driving privileges revoked by her parents. She might not drive for the rest of the year. She thinks its because I invited her inside, and because she drove me in the first place. (Remember how she's not had her license long enough?)
Now she wants to be alone for a while. And, to top it all off, I wasn't supposed to have anyone in the house without my parents home, or to ride with any high school friends, and I told my dad over text that I got a ride from someone. I had totally forgotten since its been about a year.
I am awaiting my mother to get home to have a talk about riding with a student as I type.
EDIT: My mom was not that mad. She took my phone. It'll blow over. She's joking now. "Could've been worse," she says. "Could've been a boy."
alaheezy: Certainly worth it I suppose
atlamarksman: Heh! I try not to think that way, she's really really sad about losing her driving. I couldn't care less about being punished, I'm worried she'll blame me and I'll lose any chance I have with her.
Pablo_expat: If she's kind of a romantic girl tell her something in the line of " I'm really sorry...but I can't avoid being happy for that day"
atlamarksman: Ha. She hates everyone. I'm one of the people she doesn't hate. XD
Nowadays she's really just really chill. She doesn't give af anymore, wants to graduate, and today was the first day of school. She paid for a sticker for a parking space and everything, and now she might not get to drive. She was so excited... I might've ruined that.
Pablo_expat: I'm sure behind all that " I hate everyone" she would love some romantic shit like that (w. You making fun of yourself for acting like that) if you do nothing nothing is going to happen she already took the first step what else do you need? Even if she's mad that doesn't make her magically forget you
atlamarksman: I mean yeah, I can't forget about it, but I don't think it's a good idea to bring it up right away. If I see her today, what happens, happens.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1407193190 | 1407254925 | t3_2cmun3 | t5_2to41 | 56 | The_Mura: TIFU by wiping my face with a jizz towel
This actually happened a couple months ago to a friend of mine, but it's one hell of a fuck up.
My friends lived in a 4-man dorm room together for a semester. They all have their own possessions, but certain conveniences like toothpaste and snacks were shared reasonably. One of the guys, Mark, has his girlfriend visit him. She goes to another college several states away and they hadn't seen each other in months, so they had been going at it in the side room pretty frequently. About two days after she leaves, a we all go to play basketball. After we're done, another friend, Tim, who live in the room mentions that all his towels are dirty and that he's looking for something to wipe the sweat off his face with. Now, Tim has been known to do some really ditsy stuff, so it wasn't a surprise when I learned what he did next. He comes in the room and this is the conversation that follows:
Tim: "Whose towel is this? I just used it to wipe my face, hope you don't mind."
Mark: "Where did you find that?"
Tim: "On the floor under the futon."
Mark: ".....No way. Are you serious?"
Tim: "Yeah why?"
Mark: "Was it on the side close to the fridge?"
Tim: "Yeah."
Mark: "Dude nooo! NOOOOOOOOO! That's my jizz towel!"
Tim: "What?!"
Mark: "Yeah that's my jizz towel. I used that to wipe my dick every time I banged my girlfriend last week."
Needless to say, Tim hasn't been able to live that one down.
Stickrbomb: Wait.. Aren't you Tim?
HankMardewkus: My thoughts exactly. The mix of third/first person stuff happening is too much, though.
m3t41m4yh3m: Tim is OP's friend and the subject of the FU. OP is telling the story in the third person, but using first person when quoting Tim.
HankMardewkus: Then why does the title say, wiping my face with a jizz towel,? The confusion is strong.
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1407192687 | 1407255811 | t3_2cmtra | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting in my wife's face. (Probably nsfw)
So, I'm on vacation with my wife in Vegas. We are having a great time in the casino gambling and drinking. When we got back up to our room we were both naturally buzzed and randy. She really wanted to give me a blowie so of course I let her. She does her thing and as I'm cumming, something about the contraction of the muscles down there relaxed my sphincter despite my best efforts and a ripe, juicy fart emitted from my anus and right into her face at the same time as I was unloading my salty cum in her mouth. She recoiled faster than I've ever seen. She said it smelled like nasty, rotten Fritos. Oops.
skingfuturama: I am very intrigued as to what a nasty rotten Frito smells like.
djdes: Only one way to find out.
PsychoSoldier01: Sniff /u/neecho235's farts.
djdes: That wasn't the whole process.
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1407188084 | 1407197350 | t3_2cmlad | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my iPod on the toilet
About three years ago, I was watching porn on my 2nd Generation iPod Touch on the toilet. I had my iPod in my left hand while my right hand was stroking. It was the ultimate set up.
Anyways, things were going fine. I was enjoying my time till the sex in the video began to get more intense. I started to get more intense with my stroking along with the video. Next thing you know, Plop!
Yup, my iPod slipped out of my hand, went between my crotch, and into the toilet bowl water. I saw it all in slow motion. And sadly, I wasn't even finished jerking off :(
TLDR; iPod Touch slipped out of my hand, between my crotch, and into the toilet bowl water while watching porn :(
MissMaryFatTits: Pull it apart and stick it all in rice. Call around to see of you can find someone to clean it with alcohol, the water will cause that. Did that with a toilet iPhone, got it working and used it another year. Don't forget to replace your Sim, if you have one.
apathetic_admin: > three years ago
Might be too late.
MissMaryFatTits: Haha, I missed that part.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407190220 | 1407198274 | t3_2cmp9h | t5_2to41 | 4 | gergh37: TIFU by causing my boss to yell at the wrong person
Forgive me if this is too minor of a TIFU for this subreddit. My life is slightly boring.
I am in my second week of working at a small firm that is heavily involved in the community, participating in local events, sponsoring charity, etc. We partner up with a lot of non-profit organizations, one of which is a homeless charity. The event coordinator over there is the sweetest woman in the world and works her butt off to make each event a success. Well, today, because sometimes I'm a moron, I got my boss to berate her for absolutely no reason.
The flyer/mailer to promote an upcoming event should feature our logo prominently because we are the primary sponsor. When I saw the first proof of the flyer in my email, I saw that our logo was completely missing. My boss was planning on calling the charity anyway so I decided to have him ask about it the error during that call and kill two birds with one stone.
My boss couldn't get her on the phone and left a voicemail lecturing her for not doing the flyer right. He was hesitant to say anything because he didn't want to sound like a dick for caring so much about his logo on something that is supposed to be for charity, but felt obligated considering the money we poured into it. Little did I know that the event coordinator had immediately sent me a second email with the correct flyer, apologizing for sending the wrong one and being as nice as she always is. Well, I didn't catch it in time. So that poor woman came back to her office to hear a voicemail from a guy irritated at her for something she didn't do.
I manned up and confessed. He was pretty peeved but I didn't get the reaming I expected. Just a small lecture on the powers of observation. Dodged a bullet! That poor lady though...
TL;DR Made a mistake, thought a super nice lady from a charity did it, blamed it on her, got my boss to yell at her instead of me.
kingofsunsettown: > Dodged a bullet! That poor lady though...
http://i.imgur.com/1pgrpyS.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/SimplisticSeriousChimneyswift](http://gfycat.com/SimplisticSeriousChimneyswift)
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| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407195643 | 1407198616 | t3_2cmyw2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | FlutterMcDash: TIFU by watching a My Little Pony press conference.
TIFU by watching a 30 minute long press conference with the voice of Fluttershy. I was sitting at my desk and recieved an email from a friend with the link. I had never seen the show, so I was a little curious about the hype. But as I watched more and more of the video I realized how adorable this girl was. It was great. So I turned on my tv and sure enough there was a my little pony mare-athon on. I watched 8 episodes. I am now terribly addicted to MLP. I made a new account today under the name of my two favorite ponies, FlutterMcDash. Can't wait to go to BronyCon next year.
Here's the link to the video for anyone else already addicted to the show or who may want to be:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX-OVvatbmY
nhebert1987: [I'm sorry sir, you have the wrong door](http://i.imgur.com/vWWUREY.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/TalkativeConsciousBobwhite](http://gfycat.com/TalkativeConsciousBobwhite)
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| 3 | 2 | |
1407197544 | 1407292622 | t3_2cn232 | t5_2to41 | 19 | A_Wellesley: TIFU by buying an Xbox for my wife.
So, my wife and I haven't been married all that long, and she starts talking about how much she misses her old Xbox. BOOM. Instant Bday idea. So I buy her a refurbished 360 and instantly become the coolest husband ever. But, does she buy any of the newest and coolest games? No, she has her sights set on freaking **SONIC ADVENTURE 2**. And she doesn't just play it for nostalgia's sake, either. She plays every level over and over again. Day in and day out. EVERY CHALLENGE MUST BE WON, with particular emphasis on the "Escape from the City" level, which is her special favorite. Holy crap if I have to listen to that stupid "Escape from the City" song **ONE MORE TIME** I might just go insane!
[For good measure.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmVagnlM-Ys)
Sweet_peaches_69: 1v1 her on some COD
Hawkeye7696: Why? Why would anyone want to do that?
SirDerp_Alot: To asert dominance. If he beats her badly enough maybe she will chill on the Xbox binge. Always worth a shot!
Hawkeye7696: No, lemme rephrase.
"Why COD? Why would anyone want to play that?"
SirDerp_Alot: One of the best selling and most well known franchises on the market. A game she would know for sure is my assumption as to why OP suggested it
Hawkeye7696: I know what COD is. I was subtly bashing COD lol
SirDerp_Alot: Yes I was aware of that lol. My way of being a dick without openly coming out and saying it. Had to have some fun myself too otherwise why are we even here haha
Hawkeye7696: Fair enough. lol
| 9 | 2.111111 | |
1407197771 | 1407283351 | t3_2cn2h4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | jacquesaustin: TIFU by beating up my drunk boyfriend who was trying to go to bed
Once again this wasn't today, but some time ago.
Backstory, my boyfriend at the time would stay with me on the weekends and would be back at his parents house during the week. So I wasn't fully acclimated to someone sleeping with me every single night. I was maybe 21 at the time and he was 18.
So I lived in a 2 bedroom 2 story apartment in the city. That night one of our friends Bruce was supposed to come over and have some drinks with us and hang out. He kept delaying his arrival time and I decided I had to go to bed because I had to work in the morning.
On my way to bed, I tell my boyfriend, "Please lock the door after Bruce leaves I don't need any crazy people breaking in here at night" I then go into the quiet bedroom to sleep.
My boyfriend is talking to Bruce on the internet, Bruce tells him he won't come over until he chugs a beer, he gets my boyfriend to drink maybe 3 beers quickly this way then decides not to come over, and stays home. Now my boyfriend is drunk and alone. After a while of playing on the internet he decides its time to go to bed.
Being drunk, and not wanting to wake me, and my room was a mess, he attempts to navigate his way from the door of my bedroom to the warm bed where I in deep slumber awaited.
So the boyfriend begins to walk the drunken minefield, going extremely slow, while teetering back and forth from drunkenness. He deftly makes his way from the door all the way to the bed.
I had gone to sleep with the last thing I said being, lock the door so crazy people don't come in the middle of the night, well that was enough to prime my brain. Maybe 10% consciousness I arouse from deep sleep feeling unsettled, as time and consciousness slowly return I feel I am not alone, I can't move, I refuse to move. To my horror this thing in my room is coming towards me.
From my vantage point and limited brain capabilities I can figure out there is a shape, most likely a person coming towards me, and moving very strangely. As this shape is just one or two feet away the fight or flight response hits my hard and I make a choice.
Instantly I explode into action, flying into my intruder with all my force, I am able to take him down quicker than I expect, and within seconds I have this persons arms pinned behind them, my forearm on their neck and screaming at them, "who the fuck are you? what the fuck are you doing here? " Adrenaline is at 100% output.
My attacker kinda whimpers, and tries to talk but its not making much sense to me, finally in a drunken, stupor of surprise I hear him slur, "It's me Je-je jeremy"
What!??! I scream back, pulling harder on this persons arms, the fog of sleep is now almost fully gone as I am gaining my awareness back.
To my horror I see I have my drunk boyfriend in a chokehold pressed against the hard wall, almost in tears and in complete shock. I apologize profusely, do what I can to try to mend the situation, he just wants to go to bed, we cuddle up and go to bed for the night.
He ends up pissing the bed that night, and I wake up in his beer piss cause he didn't want to get up to go to the bathroom that night.
**TL:DR beat up drunken boyfriend thinking its an intruder, he ends up pissing the bed**
[deleted]: today you fucked up by writing an novel of a post and not including a tl;dr
[deleted]: Today you fucked up by being lazy.
[deleted]: im dyslexic.....it is actually very taxing for me to read that....
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407199309 | 1407199645 | t3_2cn51u | t5_2to41 | 3 | Haki_User: TIFU by almost causing a friend to drawn.
Firehazrd: I would hate for my friend to be drawn, what if its a bad artist!!
Haki_User: Today I double fucked up by first almost causing a friend to drawn firstly and mistyping the title of my story on the TIFU subreddit.
Today I double fucked up.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407199772 | 1407208833 | t3_2cn5s0 | t5_2to41 | 50 | JobIsNice: TIFU by fantasizing about a waitress and asking her about our children.
So first I am a former member of relatively strict Amish order and have been living with a separated support family for just under a year. The family I am with are very kind and wonderful and have exposed me to a lot of great things. One of the first things we did together was visit their favorite restaurant near their house that serves Chinese food. All of the people who work there are Chinese and I think they are all related. We go there to eat at least once a week.
I had started going there almost everyday for lunch to use their internet while I am taking some online classes to fill in some of the holes in my education. There is a waitress there about my age, and she's incredibly pretty. She does a lot of amazing things with her hair. It is very long and she put things like flowers and sticks and shiny strings in it - it is very beautiful.
Anyway, I am way too nervous to actually talk to her more than to give my lunch order but because I am there so much everyone takes time to say hello to me and ask how my classes are going. Lately I have spent time just thinking about what it would be like to talk to her about other things, and go out like normal people do. A few days ago I was very preoccupied with those thoughts and ended up thinking about what it would be like to be married and have children with her. I lost track of time thinking about what they would look like, what we would name them, where they would go to school. At one point I thought about how we would work out a schedule like my support family has where on certain days of the week the husband picks up the kids from school while his wife goes out, and other days the wife will pick them up so the husband can go swimming at the sports club.
I was completely lost in thought and when she came to my table and asked if I was ready to leave because the eldest son of my support family had parked outside to pick me up. I sort of forgot that we weren't married and asked her if she was ready to go. She looked at me funny and said no, she was working late. I told her that was fine because I don't like to swim so I could pick up the kids. She laughed and shook her head, then dropped off the bill. I was very embarrassed and gathered up my things, then went to the front to pay for lunch.
The old woman who owns the restaurant must have spoken to her because she patted my shoulder and told me not to study so much and that I needed to get more sleep. Michael asked what she said to me when I got in the car and while he drove us home I told him what happened. He thinks it is very funny and told me I should write it out here. It is very embarrassing but he says she probably won't remember it by the time the whole family goes to dinner there again.
acun1994: If she was laughing instead of being weirded out, she finds you charming or at least is not repulsed by you. Ask her out?
Internetldentity: I agree, this could've ended a lot worse. I'd go for it.
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1407200867 | 1407271897 | t3_2cn7lf | t5_2to41 | 357 | idkwhat2: TIFU by flashing my tits at a coworker
Today I was sitting in a meeting at work, where I am often the only woman in a room full of men. It had been almost two hours since the meeting started, and I was getting hungry and restless. So I did what I reflexively do when I get antsy--I pulled out my phone. I sort of hid it from most of the guys at the conference table (particularly my boss, who was across the table from me) using my open laptop's screen, but the people to my immediate right and left had a clear view of my phone.
Swipe, passcode, TITS. My naked ass self, in the bathtub, taking up the entire phone screen. I had been sexting someone earlier and must have turned my phone off in the middle of sending a picture. I heard an audible gasp from the guy to my right (a fellow manager in my department), and I practically threw my phone across the room fumbling to press the fucking button (which is apparently much tinier when you really, really need to press it) to make it go back to the home screen.
After what seemed like hours, I finally got the phone turned off, put it back in my purse, and sat there breathing like I'd just finished running a 5k. My heart was racing, and my face was burning like a motherfucker. I didn't know what to do, so I just sat there staring straight ahead for the rest of the meeting, which went for another hour.
Then the meeting finished and I remembered I was his ride home. On a scale from 1 to I walked in on my parents having a threeway with my grandmother, I'd say those 27 minutes in my car were definitely turned up to 11.
TL;DR don't sext at work.
Edit: http://imgur.com/FvhCsCi
Redditenmo: The only solution is to have sex with your coworker.
idkwhat2: If I were at all sexually attracted to him, this might be a viable option.
Chief_QueefThief: Really?
I need to ~~accidentally~~ see more tits.
Edit: Thought about it. Made a decision.
idkwhat2: I really like decision-oriented people.
Chief_QueefThief: Good
idkwhat2: Edit in post. Have a great day :)
Chief_QueefThief: Best OP EVER
idkwhat2: *curtsies*
Chief_QueefThief: *walks to bathroom with phone*
idkwhat2: Just make sure the picture's not still on your screen when you're done.
Chief_QueefThief: Meh. Not even worried about it.
idkwhat2: In that case, have fun!
Chief_QueefThief: Cuddle afterwards?
idkwhat2: That's the best part, right?
Edit: No it's not.
Chief_QueefThief: Yes?
Edit: No.
idkwhat2: It's like we have one mind.
Chief_QueefThief: Nah I'm just horny.
idkwhat2: Like I said, it's like we have one mind.
Chief_QueefThief: We also have two very nice bodies
idkwhat2: Like I'm going to believe that. We're on reddit, for god's sake
Chief_QueefThief: Got wrapped up in the conversation, did not think about how ridiculous that sounded
idkwhat2: Hey, like the old saying goes, pics for science
Chief_QueefThief: Fuck science, let's do it for pleasure.
I don't know though, I have identifying tattoos...
Maybe if you PM me a promise that it'll be our secret.
| 24 | 14.875 | |
1407201900 | 1407203215 | t3_2cn990 | t5_2to41 | 5 | i-build-circuits: TIFU by not setting my phone to vibrate
So, I've been binge watching Archer recently and I decided that I wanted a kickass ringtone from the show. I download an app for said tones and start sifting through the various Archer-related tones til I find the perfect one. I went to the doctor this morning for migraines and had a nice chat with the doctor about my options. I was polite and open to suggestions, so she complimented me on patient etiquette. As we are finishing up, I get the urge to ask her about this little bump on the inside of my lip. She folds my lip open and explains that it is just benign little bump that will go away on its own. That's when my friend decided it would be a good time to call me about lunch.
As she has her fingers in my mouth, my phone starts to ring. "Mulatto butts! Black and white butts! Mulatto butts! Black ass momma! White ass daddy!"
Her eyes drift from my lip to the floor, she quietly tells me everything is okay, and exits without looking me in the eye. My face went beet red and I quickly exited the building.
TL;DR Had an inappropriate ringtone play while my doctor was knuckle deep in my mouth
Guitarknowitall: I'm just gonna say it, in what situation would having that ringtone EVER be a good thing? Honestly any ringtone that isn't the sound of a telephone going off is going to be embarrassing no matter what the scenario is.
i-build-circuits: I'm a 22 year old man. It's funny. Terrible excuse, but that's all I got. It's funny.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407202364 | 1407211695 | t3_2cn9yr | t5_2to41 | 107 | BoltonTheBastard: TIFU by telling my cousin how to masturbate.
throwaway account
My cousin is fifteen years old, he's a bit of an innocent; sheltered from the world by his ultra-conservative Christian parents. Add a side of ADD and mild autism and you get my cousin. He's a good kid, we're very close (Im 23 btw.)
A few years ago i actually had to explain to this ignorant, coddled boy what puberty was: he was never educated on this by his parents, and they made him skip all sex ed courses in school.
Flash forward to Saturday night. He asked if he could sleep over at my apartment so we could go hiking in the morning in the hills near my town. His parents said yes. I set up an air mattress in my room, and we go to sleep. i wake up 2-3 am and hear him moving. I look down from my bed and i see him rubbing his dick like you would pet a cat. He looks up and is utterly mortified that i caught him.
I turn on the light and explain that it's nothing to be ashamed of, that all boys do it, and we have a laugh. I say i'm glad i caught you before you finished all over my spare sheets. he gets confused and asks what finishing was. Like i said, an innocent. I try to explain what i meant, but he clearly had no concept of ejaculation or orgasm, he was new to the masturbation thing, he had yet to perfect his technique as it were.
I am NOT a pedo, I didn;t whip my own dick out and demonstrate, let me clear that up. He did ask me though how it works, why he had never had one, so i explained that he was doing it wrong, petting his dick the way he was would take him hours, so i mime the usual masturbation technique, which he thought was hilarious. We laugh again and go back to sleep.
Flash forward to Sunday afternoon, after i drove him home. i clear away his mattress and sheets, and sure enough, cum, all over the sheets. I go to the bathroom later, and find some on the toilet seat. Finally, i find cum stains on the hiking boots i lent him, his 'bathroom' break on our hike was evidently round three.
TL;DR: I explain masturbation to a teenager, wind up with cum all over the apartment.
PaperbagRider: On the HIKING BOOTS??
BoltonTheBastard: yeah, he must of rubbed one out while pretending to be pooping in the shrubs on our hike. Im not sure what to do with the boots now.
RandomG1rl: Burn them
i_should_be_twerking: Reddit has already learned that burning cum doesn't work.
trampabroad: Give them to him as a gift. After a year, the cumboots should be hitting the front page.
| 6 | 17.833333 | |
1407203305 | 1407204035 | t3_2cnbdi | t5_2to41 | 5 | adamsmith93: TIFU by asking my co-worker if she would rather traveling over children.
So I work at an automotive dealership, and it was our 15th anniversary. Anyways, I was tasked with joining this female co-worker of mine to get the cake we would all eat later. We make some small talk in the car on the way there, and we get on the topic of marriage. I'm 21, and I'm just telling her about how I don't want to get married until I'm roughly 30+. She then asks the obvious follow up question, "What about kids?" I go on about how I'm more laid back and don't think I want kids too much. I tell her about how I'd like to live the bachelor lifestyle and drive a nice car while going on a lot of vacations, and not having to pay for a growing child. Then I stupidly proceed to ask "Wouldn't you rather travel the world than have kids?" She responds with "I'm not really the person to ask, I've been trying to have kids for the last 5 years. My doctor told me if I wanted kids I should have started trying earlier." (She's roughly 30.) Oops.
MissMaryFatTits: Meh, not that bad. How could you have known?
adamsmith93: I couldn't have, which is why I don't think she was mad at me. Still had to sit in the car for another 15 minutes.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407203172 | 1407208062 | t3_2cnb5w | t5_2to41 | 35 | Embino: TIFU by believing a gay stripper
Context: I am female, was in my early 20s at the time, and prone to being an idiot when drinking.
Sometime ago I was backpacking around Australia. I found myself pausing for a while in sunny Brisbane, settled for a while in a hostel and made a new group of friends. One of them was randomly enough a newly out of the closet guy who I actually knew from my first year at University. We'll call him A. He was making the most of being away from home and openly exploring his sexuality, so we all decided to head to a gay bar one Saturday night.
It turned out to NOT be a tourist gay bar - to this day I don't really know how we straight girls got it (there were 3 of us accompanying A), and we were pretty much the only females there. There were different areas, dance floors and a big stage. Drinks were drunk, dances were danced and A was off doing his thing. Eventually nature called, and I set (stumbled) off to try and find the little girls room. Understandably, these weren't exactly obvious, or well signposted, or maybe even in existence given the gender balance of the clientele.
I wandered round, checked the sign on every door, couldn't find anything likely. Eventually found myself in a short corridor which seemed like a likely spot - there was an open door on the left and another closed door up a small flight of stairs on the right. I peeked in the open door and saw a small dressing room with a very burly oiled up man who I quickly figured was the main entertainment for the night. He seemed friendly enough (if a little surprised at the interruption) so I asked him where the loos were. He told me to head up to the little closed door on the right hand side and I'd be good. So off I went.
Back up the little corridor, up the little flight of stairs, opened the closed door, went through and found myself......
On the stage in a very popular gay bar in front of what felt like several hundred gay men expecting a very burly oiled up stripper, not an inebriated female English backpacker. Never before or since have I managed to so comprehensively disappoint so many people in one go.
Turned out that stripper would have had a nice side career as a host on one of those 'set people up in embarrassing situations' TV shows. Maybe in Japan. Which is kind of where I wished the ground would open up and take me.
Tl:dr, Needed a pee, broke gay mens' hearts.
Pleasedonttouchit: Is Louis a common name down under?
Embino: I don't know. I only know one Louis and he is a pom. Why do you ask?
Pleasedonttouchit: Maybe there were some in the audience.
Embino: Clearly all the drinking and accidentally being a gay stripper has addled my brain - I don't get it :-(
Pleasedonttouchit: In America, Lou is a common nickname for Louis. (Where are the loos?) I was trying to make a pun but failed miserably.
Embino: Oh dear god I can't believe I didn't get that. How embarrassment. Forgive me?
Pleasedonttouchit: It was a bad pun. No foul.
| 8 | 4.375 | |
1407203613 | 1407204629 | t3_2cnbuv | t5_2to41 | 16 | Betafire: Tifu by trying to combine two words at work
I will preface this by saying I normally have a pretty good filter on the things that I say. If I'm about to say something really stupid or something that may be offensive or inappropriate I usually catch it before it comes out of my mouth. Today was not one of those days.
I work at a small bakery. It's owned by my best friends mother, and most of my co-workers are also people I've grown up with, so I won't be surprised if I take some shit for this.
There I am, wrapping muffins like any other work day. On the other side of the table is a female co-worker of mine who is heat sealing muffins. I roll one of the wrapped muffins sitting next to me over to her, however it turns and rolls back to me. In a very poor effort to lighten the mood I decided to compare said muffin to a boomerang, which in turn inspired me to try combining "muffin" with "boomerang". At first I ended up with a "boomer-muffin", but then I went, "nah, that's dumb" and tried to think up something better. This is where my mental filter completely shut down. What I was originally going to say here was "muffin-rang". At this point things started to go in slow motion, as I could figuratively *feel* the mental filter failing. Before I could stop what was about to come out of my mouth, I loudly exclaimed "Oh, a MUFFERAANNG-OOOOH NOOOO". Which was taken in a VERY different way than the innocent wordplay I had intended.
This got some awkward and somewhat disapproving laughter out of both my brother who was next to me and said female co-worker across the table. After a couple of minutes I had gone back to wrapping muffins. But I couldn't look at a muffin with out thinking about the mufferang and laughing, not laughing at the word itself, but at my complete and utter failure to catch it before it came out of my mouth. This got so bad that I actually had to stop wrapping and walk away from the table for a short time to breathe and get some water.
TLDR; co-workers think I'm perverted after accidentally saying mufferang at work... don't accidentally say mufferang at work ^or ^at ^all ^for ^that ^matter
ILikeMyFishRaw: What's a mufferang?
Betafire: In case you only read the TLDR; muffin+boomerang=Muffinrang, what I intended to say. Mufferang sounds a lot more like Muff (slang for vagina)+boomerang, and is also what I wound up saying very loudly in front of a female co-worker and my brother.
ILikeMyFishRaw: Hahaha mufferang
jameslogan919: You still don't get it.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1407203694 | 1407215429 | t3_2cnbzz | t5_2to41 | 306 | hamboy4: TIFU by missing the bed
So me and my girlfriend just got back to her house after dinner, and were feeling in the mood. We went to her room, locked the door, and turned off the lights. We started doing the usual pre-sex stuff, and I decided to take it up a notch by pushing her on the bed and then take her clothes off and get to the deed.
This is where it went wrong.
i went to go push her onto the bed, and i guess my bearings of where i was were a little off. So when i pushed her she bounced off the side of the bed and into the TV. I heard her yell Ow, which confused me at first. But once turned on the lights and realized i had fucked up and missed, I couldn't help but laugh at first, until she yelled at me to do something. Her head was bleeding pretty bad, how the Tv cut her head open that bad i do not know. Anyways i put the biggest band-aid i could find on her head, and drove her to the ER, since it wouldn't stop bleeding. After being at the ER for a few hours, she ended up with a few stitches on her forehead. She told her parents and friends that she had tripped and fell into a wall or desk or something like that. She's all fine now and has a little scar from the ordeal.
I find it all to be pretty hilarious.
She, does not.
TL;DR: TIFU by trying to be sexy and pushing my girlfriend onto a bed, missed, and she ended up with stitches on her forehead.
GreenManTenTon: Did you have to answer any awkward questions? Y'know like "I swear officer she just fell onto the doorknob/in the shower" type questions?
multocida: I see this sort of thing in the hospital frequently! If it's a case of suspected child or elder abuse you're required to notify the authorities. But if the girl was over 18 then she's free to stay with her abuser if she wants. She's old enough to make her own decisions, hooray!
GreenManTenTon: Oh, thanks for the insight. I was under the impression that an injury like this was commonly scrutinized by hospital staff for signs of abuse.
bazookajt: Of course it is. Legally staff can't do anything against the victims will virtually all the time. The same laws do not preclude them from scrutinizing you or getting their judgment on.
| 5 | 61.2 | |
1407204911 | 1407312607 | t3_2cne01 | t5_2to41 | 110 | shouldhavstayedhome: TIFU by visiting an ex
This is a throwaway.
I dated a girl from January to August of last year. We were pretty intimate, and had sex regularly that often ended with me finishing inside her. (It was mutually enjoyed, as she was on contraceptives.) We had a pretty nasty breakup, and we didn't talk for awhile.
In May of this year, she sent me a random text apologizing for things she said. Feeling pretty frisky (and I suppose somewhat lonely), I offered to meet up and catch up with her. I had no intention of rekindling our relationship, but hey, possible sex. So we met at a bar, and I ended up going to her house. We had sex in our normal fashion and proceeded to stay over for the night. The next morning, we discussed our situation, and I confessed I didn't want to advance our relationship. She somewhat reluctantly agreed.
I've been seeing a new girl for about a month now, and things are amazing! We click on every level, she's gorgeous, and I find myself thinking about her constantly. I don't think I've ever been so intrigued by somebody after such a short amount of time. I think I've found the perfect girl. Except...
Today my ex called me. She's pregnant. She had secretly been off birth control for awhile, and she admitted that she thought a kid would be a way to "keep us from fighting" and to "make us close again."
Yep. I think I fucked up. I don't know what to do, or how this girl I'm seeing will take it.
tl;dr Had a one night stand with exgirlfriend. She was crazy enough to stop taking contraceptives to purposefully have a kid with me without telling me.
ILikeMyFishRaw: That's bleak, ask her to get an abortion, if she has the kid and your forced to be with her instead of the girl you actually like, you're going to be unhappy, she's going to be unhappy and the kid's going to be unhappy
shouldhavstayedhome: At this point, I'm definitely not going to get back with her. But the situation remains, whether a girl I've known for a month would stay in this situation. More importantly, Im young and wanted to keep exploring my life, and now I might be forced to be tied to someone insane enough to pull something like this.
ILikeMyFishRaw: Try to just explain to her that there's no way you're going to get back with her and that if she doesn't get an abortion then its just going to make everyone's lives worse. I don't know how the new girl would feel, if you tell her she might freak out and leave but if you don't and she finds out later that might make her leave, its a tough situatuion
shouldhavstayedhome: Im just terrified that if she was unstable enough to instigate this situation she might be unstable enough to not go for the abortion...
BurntLeftovers: This is where you need to consider your word choice and phrasing. She's obviously upset enough and likes you enough to do stupid shit so don't encourage any more of it. You want her to think the abortion is her choice and you're helping her, not forcing her.
First: clear the air. Get her to tell you all about her feelings and let her cry on your shoulder.
Second: explain that you feel manipulated and lied to. Use an analogy she will understand. Key point here: don't be aggressive, don't place blame on her. Second key point: you can't build a loving relationship for a child based on lies.
Third: be sympathetic, but make it clear nothing will ever happen between you. Ask her to think about what kind of life she wants and if raising a child as a young single mother is part of that vision.
Four: tell your new girl that you might need a bit of space while you sort out some personal issues, but still want to talk to/date her.
Good luck buddy!
Srd291: You sir, are the man.
BurntLeftovers: Thank you very much, my good man! I greatly appreciate the compliment; I'm just a regular idiot trying to help out.
Srd291: I'm actually a lady, but you are still legit. Haha
BurntLeftovers: Well I'm happy to know that my advice is sound from a woman's perspective. I've fortunately never had a pregnancy scare with anyone, but this seems like the logical and considerate approach.
Srd291: Logic is the best way to go for sure. You can't go wrong with being a gentleman and being honest. You'll always catch flak but you as an individual will more than likely feel a level of comfort from being honest.
At least- that is the message I got from your comment.
First hand, I find it to be accurate.
BurntLeftovers: I think that's pretty much the message; be nice, be honest. Most people aren't out to cause harm to others, some people just get a bit destructive when going through a hard time.
It sucks that you went through that, but by the sounds of it you're past it and learned from the experience?
Srd291: Exactly. Do one nice thing and two bad things will come your way. Integrity is the key.
It takes a strong person to be honest with others, but a stronger person to be honest with themselves- as well.
BurntLeftovers: You seem like quite a mature and observant person. Why do you suppose honesty is a characteristic that requires strength?
Srd291: Isn't it easy to tell yourself that your actions are justified- even though they aren't? Take for instance...
I was hit by a drunk driver on Sunday. The person driving was operating a commercial vehicle, and they didn't belong to the company. The company wanted to settle outside of court and I got actual estimates for repairs and didn't request a cent beyond repairs... Even though I had to miss work and wage to accomplish repairs to my vehicle. They paid the exact amount. I kept telling myself that everything was okay before the company even offered.
It was not. The dynamic between my boyfriends and his daughter could have greatly suffered because of this. It is long and complicated.
Either way, I was more apt to lie to myself about my concerns and falsify the truth- rather than give the real consequences any sort of entertainment.
The real question is, are you strong enough to smile in the face of adversity and give everyone an answer that makes you feel better; or maybe, give yourself an honest answer and better the lives of individuals by giving them a mutual level of respect- regardless of the repercussions.
| 15 | 7.333333 | |
1407209889 | 1407222884 | t3_2cnlv4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by changing my Facebook status.
I have been chillin with this amazingly beautiful chick for a while. Dinner, drinks, movies, she kissed me the other night, we were holding hands and displaying affection in public. I am 8 years older, so when you hold hands, kiss, make getaway plans to me that is a "relationship". So I changed my Facebook status to "in a relationship" AND SHIT HIT THE FAN. She put me back in the friend zone. Basically ignored me the next day. I am trying to figure out how to fix the shit.... I changed all the shit back to single etc. People were blowing up my phone, luckily I didn't tag her as the relationship person, or her phone would have blown up, she has like 600 friends. FFFFFUUUUUU. I told her I fucked up bad, but I don't know......
XoxoJulieAnn: ... did you ever ask her to be your girlfriend?
Insaniaksin: It's ridiculous that that is a requirement nowadays. I always figured "hey we've been seeing each other exclusively for a few months we can make it official"
Nope! Not official until you cheesily ask.
So I asked her on top a mountain while snowboarding.
We're married now. I sure showed her.
| 3 | 2 | |
1407208552 | 1407213461 | t3_2cnjt2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | BringoutCHaDead: TIFU by telling my ex that I don't love her
This happened a month ago now with my at the time girlfriend. It was fourth of July weekend and my girlfriend had been acting strange. She knew that I had bad previous relationships falling to love too quickly and having girls cheat on me so I was incredibly hesitant about it. This made her incredibly nervous about telling me. I had a feeling that this might be the problem and she kept asking me what I thought the problem was. I decided to tell her that her that I don't want her to tell me she loves me, because I don't love her.
This turns out to be a huge mistake.
She became very distant after this and eventually confronts me on the issue. I had apparently broke her. I tend to be way too blunt and upfront for my own good and me telling her this completely destroyed a perfect relationship. Up until that moment we were perfect for each other and things were great, but because I let past experiences and general stupidity guide my actions I am now single. I am mainly writing this to let guys know that if you have issues with love to instead tell them that they are special to you and that you need them to help you through your issues. I just don't want others to make my same mistake and end up alone, because they did not take the time to consider how the other person felt in that situation.
MonteLukast: "...acting strange...nervous about telling me...she kept asking me what I thought the problem was."
I don't understand this at all. Why would she act strange and then keep asking YOU what YOU thought the problem was? Sounds to me like she was just fishing to get you to say the wrong thing, especially if she didn't give you an opportunity to explain yourself afterwards. She set you up.
BringoutCHaDead: This is very true. She did not confront me on how much it hurt her until two weeks later and told me that I should have picked up on that being an issue. She knows very well that I am as oblivious as they come and if you don't tell me straight up or give me a huge sign chances are I won't pick up on it. She told me that this was the first time she felt nervous telling anyone she loved them and it was, because I told her about how scared I was about jumping into the whole love thing after previous relationships. We tried to talk it out. It didn't work.
I do think I could have been more sensitive about the issue instead of bluntly saying something like that, which was the point I was trying to get across.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407213212 | 1407225594 | t3_2cnqy3 | t5_2to41 | 24 | 1godzillashoe: TIFU by watching porn at my aunt's house
So this did not happen today- it was a few weeks ago, but I haven't had the energy to create a throwaway and type it up until today.
I often visit the town that I was raised in- it's not very far from where I am now, and so many of my retired family members live there. Awhile back in the summer my aunt hosted a get-together that family was ~~expected~~ required to attend. Now there's not really anything for me to do or anyone to talk to at these get-togethers, because I've always been distant with my mom's side of the family, and there's not anyone around who isn't either bratty and obnoxious or just flat-out boring. But it's not just a personal observation- nobody seems to care to talk to me either, and I'm often left on my own time, alone in the guest room with only my clunky old iPad 2 and wifi. Not that that's a bad deal, really.
Not that I'm complaining. But a couple weeks ago the house was full to the brim. More people came to this little gathering than had in quite awhile. The social was going full swing, complete with blue corn chips and guacamole, fruit plates arranged around a bowl of yogurt, and cheese accompanied by little toothpicks.
Nobody was confronting me about my life, so I figured that was a good time to slip off to the guest room on the other side of the house. I grabbed my iPad and sat on top of the neatly made comforter.
I could have browsed reddit and what not, but that was not what I was in the mood for. I really wanted some good porn. Seems odd (and risky) but my plan was pretty much foolproof. I had earbuds in, and I made sure the door was shut and that the screen was facing away from the door, so that if somebody walked in I could just close the safari app and say I was looking something up.
I got the porn started, and I began to get really excited. I pulled it up full screen and rearranged myself to get cozy. It was about 6 or 7 minutes into the video, when the sex was going full swing, that my earbuds stopped working.
I had shifted, and my earbuds go out when I shake them sometimes, so I figured that's what happened. I kept the video playing while I readjusted my earbuds. I couldn't hear anything. It took me a good minute or two before, all of a sudden, I realized I could hear the audio. But it was really faint, and it wasn't coming from my earbuds.
So my aunt's house is wired up with these sick bluetooth speakers that are hidden all around the house. You can pull up iTunes on your phone and play something, and it will play ALL over the house, except for the bedrooms. It's actually really cool, and great for parties.
There's also this feature on the iPad where you can link YouTube/online videos to Bluetooth speakers. And the button to do that is hidden right by the play/pause and the volume buttons on the screen.
So. Everyone at the party had heard a full minute of my porn.
Quite loudly.
*"MMMMmmnh, yeah, you like sucking cock, hmm, yeah *heavy panting*" "*Moaning*Oh, oh, YES, oh, harder"* and all.
I walked out there nonchalantly and the entire party was stunned into this awkward silence, and my aunt's face was tomato red. So was mine, and I tried to hide my crimson cheeks from view. All eyes were on me, and so I quickly fibbed, "What WAS that? I was just in the bathroom..."
Close call but I don't think I'll be invited to any family gatherings again.
**Tl;dr I played a full minute of porn audio over the Bluetooth speakers at my aunt's family get-together.**
[deleted]: Why can't anybody in this sub learn how to fucking edit? No matter what your story is, there is no way it takes that long to tell. Cut out the needless exposition and get to the fucking point.
Dabsos: You sound like the stereotyped American sadly - someone with no patience who is brash and needs constant events to restrain their boredom. You probably didn't even read this far...
| 3 | 8 | |
1407212460 | 1407251014 | t3_2cnpw0 | t5_2to41 | 62 | baowolf123: TIFU, By letting my fiance chemically burn hair off my testicles (NSFW)
So today, my day off, I wanted to have a nice day, wake up, eat something, and just love on my future wife.
To begin this tale of woe I arose from my slumber weary and slightly aroused. My soon to be wife was fast asleep so I get up and get a bowl of cereal, we get some messages from my brother that I had just met afew months ago saying he wants to hang out I tell him I need to mow the lawn and take out the trash, I'll be there at 3. Now, plans made, day ready to go, cat fed so I lay down with my fiance and we talk and hang out for just a while, she decides we should take a bath ;). I'm game I love taking baths with her. So I'm ready bare as the day god made me and shes running the water, after the tub is about half full we cozy on up I start getting a little frisky she notices I have a little hair down there and says that it would be hot if I didnt have it, well being the kind husband to be that I am I ask her how she says you could nair it off.
For those of you not into the hair removal product scene nair is a paste that you lather up on various body parts and it burns the roots so you dont have to shave it just comes right off in about 3 to 5 minutes.
Well reddit family I'm a fan of saving time just as much as I am a fan of making the old lady happy. I'm game now since I have never done this before I have her apply said paste to me so I don't fuck up and burn of my Bologna pony. So now my pubes have been nicely caked over in hair melting goodness and my soon to be wife goes back to the bath I lay on the bathroom floor waiting for the 5min to be up. But I notice that my right ball is starting to hurt but I ignore it and press on and after about 4.76215 minutes I feel as though satan has stabbed my beloved baby maker with a searing hot poker (like you would find next to a fire place) TIMES UP!!!! Thank good I feel like I'm about to lose a family member, but as I wash off this satan juice, a wave of relief washes over me as though I have been reborn. I now go show my princess the new goods, she is impressed but notices that my sack is a lobstery red color.
Me being as hard headed as I am I assure her that my sperm shuttle is just fine we continue our bath with ease and go on to other Adult things. About half way through instead of a leg cramp or a side pain my skin bag is glowing red with the intensity of a thousand lobsters. But I ignore it and keep going.
About an hour later I notice I am late to pick up my brother my wife says she wants to stay home cook us spaghetti and clean up the house a little bit. I give her a kiss and scurry on out the door, I feel this burning in my leg but that ok it happens I think to my self so I get my brother and we hang out play some video games eat some amazing food and I take him to his place for sexy times with his new girlfriend. after all that was said and done my ball is melting off it just hurts so bad I can barely walk, so we take a luke warm bath and get out I cant even dry them off at this point. So my future wife finds some aloe vera thinking this will help we rub about 2.56545 microns of gel on my nut and it burns so bad that I have to waddle at negative 2 times the speed of smell to the bathroom to wash it off but wait! I cant it hurts way to bad so I just sit a nice cool rag on them and lay back down she comes in with a coke and asks if there is anything she could do to help.
This is when the day turns weird, I look at her and I know I only have boxers and that lets my jingle bells dangle... Unacceptable I ask if she has a pair of underware that isnt a thong. She says yes, I say now I have a more strange question and ask to borrow a pair, she looks at me as though I have killed a dead puppy but goes and gets a pair of the most comfortable, soft and frankly heavenly underware that has ever graced my ass before. I will never do this again
TLDR; Fiance naired my testicles, burns some skin off, I have to hang out with my brother, now Im wearing her underware
obi_wan_knobie: Learn to format, and use grammar.
Other than that it was hilarious.
8BitPoro: Sometimes we must sacrifice punctuality for comedy. It is a fact of the universe.
ZenConure: >Sometimes we must sacrifice punctuality for comedy. It is a fact of the universe.
But what about timely punctuation?
8BitPoro: It shall for ever be pondered by those who are capable of handling the proper grammar extensively and hated by those who can not.
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1407214221 | 1407214685 | t3_2cnsba | t5_2to41 | 9 | alexdgr8: TIFU by not going to bed in time
So last night I went out for a few pints with a friend who is leaving my home town tomorrow. Feeling unusually sensible and responsible I decided to call it a day and head home after I'd finished my 5th pint. Got home before midnight, had some food and went on to prepare for today's work.
After my preparations were done, still feeling somewhat buzzed, I decided to stay up for the Liverpool - Manchester Utd game, which started at 2 a.m. where I live. This is the fuck-up part - I generally have a hard time falling asleep under any circumstances, so the buzz from the beer was my best shot. And as fate would have it, Liverpool lost, and I was left with a slight hangover that prevented me from getting any sleep.
I leave for work in an hour and I hate my life, don't know how I'm gonna survive the day.
Edit: Formatting issues
throwaway_always_: Caffeine.
Or use your exhaustion to your benefit and play a good sick card.
alexdgr8: Pretending to be sick is not really an option, I work as a local guide and I need to pick up my guests in a few hours. Caffeine it is.
| 3 | 3 | |
1407214477 | 1407217238 | t3_2cnsmt | t5_2to41 | 34 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my home life go to hell.
So this has really gone on for the past year.
About a year ago, my dad started dating a woman who I really did not like. I however stayed quiet about her and pretended to like her for my dad's sake.
A little backstory, my mother was a horrible person. She was a total narcissist who manipulated my father for money so she could go get high. She also cheated on him with a different man every night. It was a horrible part of my life.
When my parents divorced, my dad got custody of me. I was very happy for the next three years, but he remained terribly depressed. So when he met this new woman who seemed to make him happy, I shut my mouth.
At the time I thought everything would be alright. But after they got married everything changed.
She became a TOTAL bitch, and reminded me too much of my mother. The way she talked, the way she acted, everything reminded me of this horrible chapter of my life.
And that's not it. She moved *5* unhouse-trained dogs and 7 cats. She also neglected cleaning up after them. She fed the cats on the kitchen counter and never cleaned the kitchen or the bathroom. The refrigerator has food in it from a year ago and the microwave makes me want to vomit everytime I open it.
Within a month, her negligence of cleaning made out house reek of dog shit, cat piss and rotten food. You could smell it from *outside*. The washer was never cleaned and my clothes smell just as horrible. I get made fun of at school for my smell, and when I smell myself it disgusts me.
Also, ever since she moved in my acne got really bad, and I think that's her fault.
My dad has become an equally bad situation. In the past year, he's quit caring about anything and he's becoming like the women he marries. I've never said anything about the house or my stepmom for fear of him.
Anyway I'm disgusted by my home life. And this summer I've been living with my grandmother, but I have to return home for school. And when I come home I'm going to tell my father how disgusted in him and in his house I am. And I have a bad feeling that it's going to be one major fuck up.
TL:DR, Horrible parenting, horrible home life. I'm going to confess my disgust and lack of respect in my father. I'm preparing for a huge fight.
CriticalStag: Good luck. Don't back down.
astronautic: Thanks man. In the past year, my self esteem has really dropped, so any kind of encouragement at this point really helps.
pulpedid: Good Luck, don't know youre age. But doing youre own laundry is really easy. Acne is related to hygene but also to food (my case Chocolate and pork even at 28) and hormones (nothing you can do about that. Keep youre own room clean, don't let the pets in and make sure it has sufficiënt fresh air. Hang in there kid, be honest with youre dad and good Luck. (Google how youre laundry machine work).
Editie: some Dutch auto correct
astronautic: The problem is that the laundry machine is never cleaned so anything that goes in it comes out almost as bad as before. And the bacteria from the animal waste is pretty much permanently in the air. Air fres genera only go so far...
pulpedid: http://www.abowlfulloflemons.net/2014/01/how-to-clean-your-washing-machine-with-vinegar.html
Tl dr: white vinegar four cups hottest setting. Then again with just the hottest setting.
Do you have a window in youre room? Open it.
Btw some tips for confronting youre dad: Make sure its just you and him. Make sure that he has time and is not in a rush. Don't know if youre dad is stubborn, if so try before you use the direct approach (example: our house stinks and its because of the animals) what he thinks about the how clean the house is. It is always more powerfull when people realise themselve that something is wrong, rather then being told that something they are doping is wrong.
If youre afraid that he won't listen, ask that he only reply when hij finished what hou wish tot say. Make sure that you both have time. Laying this ground rules creates more time and control over the conversation.
Final tip and this is the hard ons, try to remain calm and explain what you experience and what this does to you. Good Luck!
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1407215050 | 1407220161 | t3_2cntck | t5_2to41 | 5 | WeBakedPotato: TIFU by feeding my niece's beta fish too much food.
My niece asked me to feed her fish. She's only gone for 3 days so no sweat. 1st day goes fine. I feed it and all is well. I wake up in the morning to feed it and this is where I fuck up.
In my drowsy state I put in too much food. My niece told me just to put 3 pebbles. I put about 15-20 pebbles. Not knowing much about fish I just assume the fish or the filter will eat it all up and off to work I go.
I come back and the filter is sucking up all the food and the water looks really dirty now.
He's still alive right now, but im afraid hes going to be dead in the morning. I'll update as soon as I wake up.
Insaniaksin: If it turns up dead, go buy another. they are all basically identical.
This will be a good story for when she is older.
Superfly817: It works for older gullible people too. One of my friends went to Australia for a vacation and he had a beta fish also. We were in our early twenties. My friends were in charge of keeping the fish alive. Well after a few days the fish died for some reason. They went and bought a new beta fish. Now they didn't buy one that looked just like his. They bought a completely different looking one. When he got home his response was priceless. He said "my fish must have been really sick. He changed color". My friends stared at each other trying not to laugh.
Insaniaksin: That's pretty funny
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407215028 | 1407273399 | t3_2cntbd | t5_2to41 | 7 | SpicyPeeHole: TIFU by masturbating with chili oil
I cooked some ramen for dinner and chopped up an insanely hot chili pepper for some added excitement. I got bored after my meal and absentmindedly went to town on the old trouser snake. Now I'm sitting in the shower soaking my junk in a mason jar full of iced half-and-half. nothing else worked. Trust me, I tried.
Tl;dr Chili peppers added excitement
Greathunter512: Fire breathing penis eh
SpicyPeeHole: It sure felt like it.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407215453 | 1407223335 | t3_2cntv6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | rolypolyfuckface: TIFU by having sex in poison ivy
I fucked up. I had sex in poison ivy
TL;DR: I had sex in poison ivy...
Sleevepup: I swear, you are like the tenth person who's cake day is today.
But Jesus Christ OP, you had sex in poison ivy!
rolypolyfuckface: My ass, back, and chest are fucking covered. I started prednisone 3 nights ago (day after it happened) so hopefully it will clear up soon. she has it just as bad
Sleevepup: At least you don't have itchy dick. Having to scratch it randomly, then someone sees you... God that sucks. But, did you realize it was poison ivy?
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407215712 | 1407216493 | t3_2cnu80 | t5_2to41 | 12 | baysa: TIFU by leaving a beer on my desk.
This isn't the most interesting story you'll probably ever read in this sub, however it has slightly fucked up my life. I'm 18 and started drinking about a year ago. I've usually been pretty careful about it since I'm still underage. However a couple nights ago, I had a rough night at work and was just in the mood for a cold beer, and occasionally I will have a beer at the end of a long night. This time, I accidentally left the empty bottle sitting on my desk in my room instead of throwing it away and just kind of forgot about it sitting there. Now the worst part about this story for me is that this was such an easily avoidable situation on my part and I'm about to tell you why...I called my mom into my room to help me pick out a backpack online for school next year. As soon as she walks in, she sees the bottle on my desk. I didn't think it would be a huge deal as we just spent two weeks drinking together in Europe, but she really flipped a shit. Like started going through my trash can and everything. Where she happened to find about 5 bottles that I had drank over the course of a month. So now I'm in therapy and an alcohol education course, and have to text my parents every five minutes whenever I go out with friends, which sucks. And that's how I ruined my last month home before going off to college, where the 5 minute texting rule will continue :(
PM_ME_UR_BOOBS_NOW: i hope you have an unlimited texting plan.
baysa: Luckily (??) we do
| 3 | 4 | |
1407214933 | 1407307781 | t3_2cnt7d | t5_2to41 | 41 | IDrinkPussySweat: TIFU by leaving my alternate reddit account logged in on my phone.
My girlfriend borrowed it and saw IDrinkPussySweat logged into reddit. Now she thinks I'm depraved. I. Fucked. Up. :-(
i_oweyoua10secondcar: Not as a bad of a username as those people with the following username
"PM_YOUR_BOBS
"PM_NUDES"
You get the point
PM_ME_DICK_PHOTOS: Yep.
r1chbanks: Priceless
PM_ME_DICK_PHOTOS: Thank you :)
Charlieap96: Account age - 2 days
You check out... But I'm still watching you...
PM_ME_DICK_PHOTOS: c: I come for the dick pics and stay for the occasion when I am relevant.
| 7 | 5.857143 | |
1407216147 | 1407219087 | t3_2cnuum | t5_2to41 | 8 | jazzi-farts-rainbows: TIFU- by going to a very attractive dudes house I never met and puking in front of him
TIFU- well it actually wasn't today, like many TIFU'S but rather yesterday night. I went to meet this guy I met off of the internet. (Lets call him Paul) but keep in mind that we have been talking and texting for about a good two weeks or so and I found out he is a really cool guy. He added me on Facebook and seemed pretty cool. We had a lot of things in common and decided we wanted to hang out. So yesterday we did just that. I came over and we started talking and playing a game of pool. He kicked my ass but still. He then introduced me to his whole family. He seemed very keen on me meeting his step brother lets call him Matt. Matt was a huge stoner and you could tell right off the bat. But it was ok because I am one too. So we're all hanging out then me and Paul go outside for a smoke break. While we're outside we get caught up talking to each other. Paul gets a call and it's Matt asking if I would drink with all of them. So I haven't drank in a while and got a little to carried away. We went swimming and continued drinking then all of a sudden I knew. I was going to puke. I got out and tried to make it seem as if I was going to the bathroom. But Paul wasn't buying it. He followed me to the bathroom asking if I was ok then that's when it happened. I puked I was able to make it to the toilet but I didn't close the door and Paul watched me puke. He refused to leave until I was done puking. He made me drink a sprite and eat a slice of bread then had me lay down.
Sweet_peaches_69: He baby sat you, that means youre good :)
jazzi-farts-rainbows: Well thank god. He was attractive as hell
Sweet_peaches_69: But I guess he thinks you cant hang :(
jazzi-farts-rainbows: well he texts me 24/7 still saying how he still wants to hang out and all. So I hope he dosnt think that.
Sweet_peaches_69: You're good! Don't worry about it, shit happens. Haha
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1407216535 | 1407304074 | t3_2cnvcv | t5_2to41 | 228 | sektr: TIFU by farting when I was supposed to cum (NSFW)
As with many TIFUs, this wasn't today but about 2-3 years ago.
To set the scene, senior year of high school, an ex I had somewhat recently broken up with and had been hooking up on and off.since, making the usual bad teen decisions.
So this one night we are in the back of my SUV, seats down fully laid out. We're in the middle of some of the best car sex I've ever had. I'm getting close to cumming and I can tell she is too.
I feel her start to tighten up and the telltale moans start coming out, bringing me to the point of supposed no return.
So I start to cum, but right when I feel the first pulse, I felt a simultaneous drop in my stomach and an otherworldly pressure fighting its way out of my clenched asshole. My eyes widened with horror as I yelled "OH FUCK!!!", letting everything go and hoping for the best.
I farted. Long, drawn-out and hard. Like a trumpet bugling before a battle. My cum seemed to curdle halfway up my shaft and receded into my balls.
I immediately collapsed on top of her laughing my ass off to the point of tears, and knowing this girl I expected her to laugh too. About ten seconds into my borderline seizure laughing fit I noticed something wrong. She wasn't laughing. Or speaking.
I rolled off her and, still chuckling, asked what was wrong. She looked MORTIFIED. Starts apologizing furiously and incoherently. I calm her down and she yells "I can't believe I just queefed like that you didn't even cum!!!". Cue more violent laughter from me.
Finally I choke out the words "No, no, I farted...". Theres about a ten second pause and she starts shrieking laughter. Like I've never heard anything like this it was like a goddamn hyena.
After this she gets dressed, tells me I failed too hard for her to finish getting me off, and goes home.
TIFU by farting likeba queef, earning myself a throbbing set of blue balls.
TheOutbreak: IM DYING
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: SOMEONE HELP HES DYING
TheOutbreak: 24 hours too late </3
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: But.. You can't die... NOOO!
TheOutbreak: I died, BUT I LIVED!
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: YAY
| 7 | 32.571429 | |
1407218412 | 1407268603 | t3_2cnxkn | t5_2to41 | 53 | iNeedASockBox: TIFU by forgetting to hide my cock socks
Starting about a month ago when I discovered /r/celebfakes, I began to start using cock socks to beat the meat. (I prefer them because of the very little amount of cleanup involved.)
After many sessions throughout the month, a pile of- *ahem* a Mt. Kilimanfuckingjaro of cock socks began to emerge in the right side of my closet. Days go by and I continue to neglect the chore of cleaning them up.
Bad choice. Apparently the bitchnipple/lazy part of my brain thought, "Hey, why would anyone notice the massive fucking mountain of jizz socks in my closet? derpyderpderp." ugh. My closet smelled as if a trigger happy oompa loompa went overboard with two big ass cans of jizz scented febreeze.
Anyways, a week goes by (disgusting, I know) and my kind goddess of a mother tells me that a repairman will come to fix our AC. I of course think nothing of it.
(two hours later) The repairman arrives and goes upstairs to start working. As this was happening I was sitting downstairs eating my honey smacks. After the deliciousness, I head upstairs to go to my room.
This my fellow fucker uppers...this is the moment that I fucked up. As I stepped into my room I heard a sniffle. Not from my own nose, but the nose of someone else. As I looked ahead in horror, I saw the middle aged repairman fixing the AC unit attached to the inside of my closet. He was standing on a shelf RIGHT above the mountain of my seed. (I can only imagine the fucking stench he had to endure for the past 30 minutes)
Shocked by my mistake, I suddenly blurted out a loud "HI!". And because he did not notice me, he fell. Off the shelf. Into my jizz socks. His whole lower body. Surrounded by my little ones. He looked at me. I looked at him. Our souls connected. And I NOPED THE FUCK OUTTA THERE!
I raced through my house, into the bathroom and locked the door. An hour later I left the bathroom to face my now super saiyan, she-devil, period of a thousand suns mother.
I just got plates thrown at me (cuz that's what mothers do when angry), lectured at about masturbation, and traumatized. Also, it's fucking hot in here.
TL;DR: Forgot about the mountain of jizz filled socks in my closet. Repairman came to fix AC unit in my closet. Got surprised by me and fell into said mountain.
And to let you all know, I'm a 15 year old dude. So this was quite a traumatizing experience. This is also my very first post on reddit so YAYYYYY!!! I read tifu alot and thought I'd give it a shot.
[deleted]: Don't you little whippersnappers know how to whack off in the shower? Geez.
Sweet_peaches_69: If I wanna last about 2 hours, then yeah
IShatYourPantsSorry: Yes! What is it with showers that make us just unable to finish?
johnnywacko: Holy shit I thought it was just me.
SirWalrusIV: Don't turn on the water, duuuuhh!
| 6 | 8.833333 | |
1407219351 | 1407252404 | t3_2cnymh | t5_2to41 | 3,380 | jasonleeeeee: TIFU by cockblocking myself
There's a girl from my high school who I am very good friends with, and was pretty cute in my opinion. We both had a passion for soccer and also had a few classes together. Naturally, as we began to hang out more and more throughout the year, I began to like her very much.
Fast forward to the end of the year. Our school had a last chance dance and we both went. We danced together for the night and overall had a great time. When it finally ended (unfortunately), we began talking outside near her car in the parking lot.
It was just small talk, mainly unconscious yelling due to the extremely loud music, and eventually we began to talk about how great the last chance dance was. I told her that she wasn't too bad at dancing, and then she replied with "Oh, you don't even know". Obviously, I asked her what she meant, and she said "Don't worry about it". Changing the subject, she then proceeded to tell me about how she got new seats in her car and was wondering if I wanted to help "break them in(;".
Not sure what I was thinking for this next part. This hint went completely over my head, and I GAVE HER A HIGH FIVE. WHAT. THE. FUCK. A HIGH FIVE.
She then smiled a little disappointedly (another detail I failed to notice), gave me a hug, said our goodbyes, and then got in her car and left. As her car disappeared, it hit me. I just cockblocked myself.
TL;DR My crush asked to have fun in her back seat after a school dance, and I gave her a high five.
UPDATE: I called her up and asked her to get coffee and maybe go to a local scenic spot in my area. Keep in mind, this spot is infamous for hooking up and such because of its emptiness and scenic views. So, I picked her up, and we soon hit it off just like before. It got pretty late and we were just chilling at the parking lot and the topic came toward the last time we saw each other (the time where I cockblocked myself like a handicapped retard).
Utilizing a technique I picked up from r/seduction, I cut her off during her sentence by saying "Wait." and then I kissed her. Things began to escalate, and I'll keep the details to myself. Afterwards, she told me, with a smile, that I was an asshole for not fixing the problem earlier.
Thanks guys and r/seduction coming in clutch! Never again, I promise! Just kidding, knowing me, it'll probably happen next time.
LancerZERO: I got to the part about the high five and I felt like I got hit in the stomach. Have an upvote, OP.
L37: same here. In german we have a word for it. (as we allways do) Is there an english word for being ashamed for sth. someone else did?
FALCONN_PAAWNCH: cringe?
L37: not quite. On Leo.org i've only found the slang term "douche chills" A somewhat dry way to say it would be "vicarious embarassment", but that's not perfect.
FreaXoMatic: The word in german is "Fremdschämen".
The word cringe is the physical (( Or metaphorical ) Flinching, Stomach ache) reaction to an ashaming situation which happened to you or someone else.
Fremdschämen is cringe / cringing.
Im german.
Edit. Fuck guys give my dyslexic brain a break its hard enough to write in a foreign language but mixing it with your own fucks my brain hard
ReiAyanami2015: You sure you don't mean "fremdschämen"?
Source: I am German
BulldawzerG6: Is anyone of you actually German?
ReiAyanami2015: Proof: http://i.imgur.com/tijVzuh.jpg
Also, "Fremdencharm" isn't even a word. It doesn't make any sense.
misterblp: In dutch Marian is a girl's name.
You're fresh tho
ReiAyanami2015: In most parts of the world it is a girls name...
Not sure if the second part is a wordplay with my last name or actually meaning it D:
misterblp: How about both? I like your haircut :P
ReiAyanami2015: Haha, thank you!
| 13 | 260 | |
1407220505 | 1407275418 | t3_2cnzwd | t5_2to41 | 63 | TooProYo: TIFU by Making Out With a Pastor's Daughter
So this happened a couple months ago, but I didn't know about this sub at that time. So here is the story of The Day I Fucked Up.
Backstory. So I'm a 17 year old guy who has been talking to this girl for about 2 weeks. She is a pastors kid and we both attend a youth group at our church. This girl was unlike any other pastors kid. She was dirty and horny 24/7. We had a lot of 'suggestive' conversations on Facebook/Twitter.
So one day when I went to youth group, I saw her. She texted me during the service if I wanted to go outside and talk. So we went outside and started to talk. She was looking extremely hot. So, I asked her if there was a more 'private' place where we could talk. She then took me to her father's (the pastor) office.
As soon as I got inside, she closed the door and proceeded to come at me. She sat me down on her dad's chair and she took off her shirt and shorts. We were making out for a good 7 minutes and I was debating (still virgin) if I should go all the way with her, then, the door opens.
Apparently my parents and her parents are new-found friends and they were going to hang out while they waited for us to get out of youth group.
Who knew going to church on Sundays could be this awkward.
PS: sorry for incorrect format, grammar or punctuation. I'm posting this on mobile and I'm a teenager.
Edit: According to the comments, looks like most pastors kids are like this girl. I had no clue haha.
8BitPoro: >This girl was unlike any other pastors kid
Coming from being a pastors kid, you really don't know "us" very well then do you?
lizmaebrooks: Unfortunately, all the pastor's children I know are stuck up little bitches. I wish I knew the stereotypical types. :(
8BitPoro: I wouldn't say we are stuck up. Majority of them I know are not, usually they tend to be more down to earth then the other people I know (my opinion), but occasionally just like any other human being you're going to find a snarky one. Unfortunately to say (not myself, I am pretty well rounded... I think...), most PK's tend to be the most troubled. I feel a lot of this has to do with growing up with the idea that religion is a requirement for us, there for they lash out pretty hard eventually, just depends on the person though.
lizmaebrooks: I didn't mean to generalize everyone, I'm sorry if I made it sound that way. I just meant the specific group of kids that I know that have pastor parents.
8BitPoro: Nah your fine! No big deal, I know what you mean
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1407220844 | 1407222229 | t3_2co09p | t5_2to41 | 9 | tbromme: TIFU by liking a really old post while creeping a girl's instagram
I was in my basement as usual and was deep in the midst of creeping the instagram of a rather attractive female. Well, as I scrolled down the feed froze and i tried to scroll down, and incidentally liked a photo unbeknownst to me. Regardless, she messaged me later and called me a creeper, and it was damn awkward.Today I Fucked Up.
[deleted]: but she actually messaged you ... you might be on to something, and need to play your cards right!
SuperFuckingFat: You're not wrong, but he's got one foot in the hole already. Tread lightly OP. A little explanation never hurts truely.
| 3 | 3 | |
1407223381 | 1407265694 | t3_2co2xm | t5_2to41 | 24 | Cycro: TIFU by having sex with my best friend's little sister AND telling her.
For starters, I'm a man and my best friend is a woman.
My friend and I were out celebrating her birthday, pub crawling and quite drunk at pub number 3 when her little sister shows up with a male coworker of hers. Come the end of the night, everyone is pretty drunk except the male coworker who agrees to drive us all back to my friend's flat for the night.
I'm going to leave out any NSFW details, but the long and short of it is I ended up telling my friend the truth despite her sister asking I keep it a secret. She said we could probably keep doing this provided we "keep it on the down low" as she said. I cared more about being honest with my friend than getting laid, but that just made things worse. Because the weird point was brought up that they both look and sound alike.
So the initial FU was bad enough, but I've made things a bit worse for the time being by having been honest about it.
Friends don't screw friends' siblings.
Edit: We are all just trying to pretend that the sister sex never happened. The general suspicion from people that know our history and full story is that my friend is upset because of some underlying romantic feelings for me. While I HIGHLY doubt that, I can understand how it looks that way from a lot of little things like holding arms when walking around drunk or her saying my name while she was with that other bloke. It LOOKS like something, but it isn't.
[deleted]: I think the answer we all need here -
Was it good?
Cycro: Well I didn't want this to go from PG-13 to R, so...
*She* has a VERY good long time. I had a helluva time but didn't finish before she was too worn out for anymore :/
bumbleeds: Longest 60 seconds ever.
8BitPoro: > 30 seconds
FTFY
Daveswaffles: >15 seconds
FTFY
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: I always change it to picoseconds, so it sounds more impressive.
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1407225434 | 1407227520 | t3_2co4g0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | prezident_kennedy: She is one of those kinds of people that needs to be deported just for being a bitch.
dtrmp4: Well she is about as crazy as me. Schizophrenia, underage prostitute, something, something. I don't blame her for anything she did, but what the fuck, why is she so bitter? As if *I* ruined her life. She tried ruining mine, and either she decided not to, or the police did, but it was too fucking close. I just messaged her out of nowhere, for no reason. Then I get threatened, again. Bitches be crazy.
prezident_kennedy: These hoes ain't loyal.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407225142 | 1407226619 | t3_2co4qe | t5_2to41 | 11 | untitledmoviereview: TIFU by exercising for the first time in years
I had been meaning to get a gym membership for ages (and by ages, i mean like 6 years). I went for about an hour the first session; did 30 minutes on the treadmill and30 minutes of upper body weights.
no i can barely move my arms without massive pain.
prezident_kennedy: The soreness subsides the more you go. Make sure you drink plenty of water and take at least protein after. Both of them will help you post workout. I've been going 6 days a week for a few years and I almost never get sore.
untitledmoviereview: i hate you and your toned physique
prezident_kennedy: Thank you young gym padawan. Don't dread it, make it a new part of you life. They say it takes 30 days to build a habit. So make it a god damn habit and you too can have a toned physique. :)
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1407229638 | 1407251394 | t3_2co8y9 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU By getting drunk before my housekeeper finished
Largely self-explanatory from the title, but the bitch stole my pot!
tfyuhjnbgf: Did you call the police?
spottedmusic: ah.. its gone :(
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407222980 | 1407250186 | t3_2co2kg | t5_2to41 | 15 | alebro112: TIFU by looking for a criminal
Like most of these this happened a little bit ago, lets say a month ago. This all started when I heard 5 or 6 cop cars and a police helicopter circling my house. Being the curious 16 year old guy I am, I decided it would be interesting to go see what was happening. After exiting my apartment building I find police officers armed with rifles searching through the massive abandoned lot across the street. Once the police officers gave up I asked them what happened. They told me that an overweight african american homeless woman wielding a machete was spotted in the abandoned lot screaming at other tenants in my apartment complex. What they actually said was, "Some crazy fat black bitch with a machete." This is where my teenaged mind fucked up. I thought, lets be like dog the bounty hunter. I went to go get my 15 year old neighbor and his 10 year old brother and we thought it would be a good idea to go find this crazy black chick. We enter the abandoned lot and after 10 minutes of searching we find this crazy chick's encampment. Basically a tent covered in palm fronds filled with trash. She wasn't there so we decided she must be out. As we are looking around her encampment we hear a freakish hobo roar. This behemoth of a homeless woman charges out of the bushes in an attempt to defend her "territory." My friends and I book it only to be saved by the coded door to get into our apartment. The police never found her and she is still on the loose outside my window. I'm scared shitless
tl;dr My friends and I searched for an obese black homeless woman and got chased down by her and her machete
zeusapollo: well call the cops
r1chbanks: Or the local zoo keepers, they have tranq darts.
| 3 | 5 | |
1407230351 | 1407288106 | t3_2co9ng | t5_2to41 | 31 | throwaway250770: TIFU by using rechargable batteries.
So for once, this actually happened today, and I feel like I need to share it.
I am a recently single girl, with a pretty high sex drive, so I decided to buy myself one of those fancy vibrators. It arrived yesterday, to the house I share with my Mum and younger siblings and nobody noticed, which I thought was the potentially embarrassing part out of the way. Apparently not.
My Mum had bought some rechargable batteries last week, and they just so happened to be the size I needed for my new toy, so I went ahead and helped myself to two of them, thinking I'd buy myself some normal batteries soon and put the rechargeable ones back without anyone noticing. I forgot to put them back, which is where I fucked up.
This morning my Mum came into my room to wake me up and casually said that she needed the batteries I'd borrowed back (My brother grassed me up after apparently seeing me take them). I said that was fine, and I'd bring them down when I got up, but she said she needed them right at this moment for something my brother was doing. I kept saying that I just wanted to wake up, and then I'd bring them down. This is when I started panicking, my mother is not the sort to be okay with her daughter using any kind of sexual toy.
She then started to get really angry, and accuses me of losing them, and said she would not be leaving the room until she had those batteries in
her hand. I really started panicking at this point and thought maybe if I just got them out of my vibrator with my back to her I could get away with it. This could've worked, but as I was panicking and shaking I dropped it, and it rolled straight to her feet. Could not have gone worse. She just gave me the most disgusted look ever and said she doesn't want the batteries back ever, and walked out.
I still haven't left my room and it's been 4 hours. But I got to keep the batteries so it's not too bad.
OliStabilize: Who's mum still talks to their daughters that way if they are old enough to buy a vibrator? (I assume there is not an age restriction but surely at least 17-18?)
daft_inquisitor: In most adult stores, you have to be 19 to even get in.
However, with stores like Spencer's stocking things like that, pretty much anyone can just walk in and buy one...
Omnipotence456: Spencer's won't let you in unless you're 18 or with a parent
daft_inquisitor: That might be how it's *supposed* to work, but that's not how it works in practice.
The one in my mall, me and a group of friends would go in there constantly when we were in high school -- 15 and 16 -- and nobody said a thing. Heck, I *still* see groups of teenagers roving through there regularly, looking at all kinds of things they probably shouldn't be.
Omnipotence456: Huh, interesting. I've been carded in Spencer's.
Starberrywishes: It's because some teens look old and the people there think they must be adults.
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1407236197 | 1407443280 | t3_2cof65 | t5_2to41 | 10 | RadicalDog: TIFU my international flight
Travelling from London to stay with Norwegian girlfriend. Yes, she's fly.
So she normally studies in the UK, but as it's a nice long summer where she's got a job and been away for 2.5 months I wanted to visit her. As poor students, I booked the tickets long in advance for the best prices. (But don't worry, I remembered the date! This isn't that kind of TIFU!)
There are three things that are mission critical for this trip, as it's 3 weeks and I'm expected to be productive during the day while she is at work. These are A) my laptop, B) my charger, and C) my plug adaptor. Well, I had all those! It's not this sort of TIFU!
So I have all my clothes packed, all my bathroom shit, my laptop stuff, and I'm good to go. The ticket code is on my phone in two different forms and I'm going for the right flight.
Take the train out there, 45 minute journey, get to the self-check-in. It asks for my passport.
My passport. Oh right, that thing in a folder at home.
Who the fuck forgets their fucking passport. On an international flight. This has to be the dumbest shit I've ever read, and it actually happened to me. This is worse than Home Alone, because even the parents in that remembered their own goddamn passports!
I am a complete, utter, moron.
So, I burble to the lady there in barely-intelligible English, "Urrg, no passport, what do" and she directs me to the desk where someone might be able to help. Talking like I might still be able to catch this plane. There's a queue, and it takes 15 minutes to get seen.
When I get to the desk, the lady says "No, you can't fly" but her eyes are saying "Wow, you're the dumbest shithead". She says the check-in closes in 40 minutes.
Back up. If I'd called my flatmate to take the train as soon as I found out, he would have made it before the check-in closed. But now it is too late. The other lady, who works at the airport, thought there was a chance I could still fly and that ray of hope ended up eating the time I could have used getting my passport there if I'd thought faster.
Who works for an airport and thinks I still might be okay to fly with no passport? If she'd told me upfront, then I'd have been able to *just about* get it in time.
But the real question...
Who forgets their goddamn passport when getting on a goddamn international plane?
So, I texted my girlfriend "Ahhhh, I fucked up" and she replied "Did you forget your passport?" She was joking.
TIFU.
Diamondking89: This was a painful ending. I thought there was a glimmer of hope for you through some loophole...but there wasn't. Are you trying again?
RadicalDog: Yeah, £200 that I barely had to begin with is gone!
Smithsterfied: Norwegian chicks though...
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407241460 | 1407255501 | t3_2coks8 | t5_2to41 | 291 | WookieError: TIFU by high fiving my crush in the face.
So that TIFU that made the front page today made me think of my roommates hilarious story.
We lived together for about a year in this amazing house that looked over the whole of Sydney harbour. The place was ridiculous.
Now my mate, let's go with Jerry, I knew before we lived together. And as long as I had known him he had been obsessed with this chick, ergh Steph.
Jerry is a pretty quiet guy and had safely planted himself in Steph's friendzone. Heart of gold - no killer instinct.
Anyway, we used to throw these massive New Year's Eve parties on our rooftop - and the first was the perfect opportunity for Jerry to remove himself from the cold winters of the friendzone. Greener pastures were ahead.
Jerry had told us, we had told Steph's friends, they had told Steph. It was all happening! She was open to being with Jerry and couldn't believe he liked her.
Anyway enough context - skip to the night of the crime.
As she walked in all eyes were on them, and Jerry couldn't handle the pressure. His face was red, knees week, palms sweaty (moms spaghetti).
She leans in for the kiss hello.
Jerry freaks.
Goes for the high five.
Her eyes are closed.
Wammo.
Jerry face whacks his crush in the face.
She is wounded. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.
People are stunned at what has happened. Everything pauses momentarily.
Jerry is crushed...
Fireworks were awesome and we all got drunk.
dontblockmemradmin: SO DID THEY GOT TOGETHER OR WHAT?!
WookieError: wow. i usually dont get replies. so this is new.
they did not get together. the pressure was all too much. he died a little that day. we all did.
edit: formatting, spelling, everything. the excitement got to me.
dontblockmemradmin: Well, some Redditors died a bit on the inside today. Sad for your friend ; (
| 4 | 72.75 | |
1407231212 | 1407246689 | t3_2coaic | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: tifu by being in a unhappy relationship for 4 years
This is a temporary note
So I had gotten a job fresh out of college. I joined with 2 other batchmates from my college. One of the batchmate had a crush on me and pretty soon he asked me out. I used to like his wit and humility so I was like why not? Pretty soon things got serious and we were madly in love. One day I find out that he hass a girlfriend since college and is still in touch with her even though she was in another continent. I ended our thing but later he said he had come clean with her about us and has broken up with her and that only us mattered.
So we were back on track and were quite happy. But I realized I had lost my trust in him. But as I have the fix it mentality I thought if I tried some more I will be able to fix this.
Now this was my first boyfriend and he had promised we will get married. FYI I'm from India so yes being in a relationship to get married to that person totally makes sense.
So I stick it out with him.
I see the change in his behavior, he hardly calls me when he's away, he hardly responds to my texts, will only call or respond if he needs something. See all the signs that this relationship isn't doing well.
And then one day says his parents aren't approving of our relationship and that we should break up. Which we did. But got back again.
In short I knew this guy was shitting me but I ignored my career, my friends for this guy who then tells me that he's getting married to someone else.
On the hindsight, it's for a good reason only cause the guy was a living monument of dishonesty and selfishness
Just hate the fact that he's the first one I kissed. Now I'm with a very understanding guy and he makes me very happy and confident. Just makes me sad that I kissed some asshole first.
TL;DR was with a shitty selfish dishonest cheat guy for 4 years before he called it off and got married to someone else. Hate that I've to hide it from my fiancé
[deleted]: Umm...
You're hiding the fact that you were with someone else prior from your fiancee?
I mean not breaking your neck to tell him - Fine
But actively hiding it from him, yeah maybe you need to have a talk with yourself before you start talking about other peoples honesty
Trippinlife: Yes I know a good relationship lasts in honesty
It's just that I'm so ashamed that I let myself stay in a relationship with such guy that I don't want my fiancé to know
That's one reason and the other is my fiancé is a damn good person at heart and I don't want him to get hurt
[deleted]: Look, lets knock on the door and ask for Ronnie Real here, you've had a bad relationship in the past.
So that just makes you, and the other 7bn people on the planet.
If this new guy is so important to you, then A: He is likely to be able to get past the fact that your ex was a douche, its not like this is a massive history of sexual deviancy you're hiding, its one douchebag ex. And B: He deserves to be able to make the decision of whether to commit to you from a position of honesty.
If he has a problem with this, it says more about him than it does about you. But for as long as you hide it from him, you give him a legitimate beef to have about it.
My GF for example was dishonest about something similar early on in the relationship. I wasnt angry because she did what she did (christ ive done 100x worse) but i was SERIOUSLY angry that she lied about it for so long. It nearly killed the relationship, for something that if she'd told me on day one i'd have said "Ok, thats nice dear, pass the salt"
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407238541 | 1407247771 | t3_2cohep | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by eatings sweets that I actually didn't want to eat
I noticed a while ago that I eat far too much sugar, and have been on a very-low-sugar-diet for the past 9 weeks. After the initial withdrawal symptoms, I got along very well. I haven't been religious about it, but it hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be.
But it is customary for my office to be the meeting point of my colleagues, and most of them have been trained by my predecessor, my colleague and, yes, me too, to bring sweets when they come back from vacation, or had a party, or just felt like it. So, yes, today I thought "just this one", because they were my favorites and I'll have a long day today. And then another. And another. I actually stopped after the fifth, and now I am angry at myself because I already feel the addiction kick in again. I am chewing harsh chewing gum now to get rid of the taste, but I know I fucked up my discipline and have to start from zero again.
OliStabilize: Everytime this. My boss regularly will bring in a shit load of cakes for no reason.
I am trying to diet and they are just winking me in the face.
[deleted]: I am quite good at saying "sorry, no sugar right now", and then they come with pastries overflowing with fruit - I swear, there were at least five different kinds of fruit on that thing - and tell me "this is nearly a fruit salad!" Damn logic...
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407244705 | 1407260243 | t3_2cop35 | t5_2to41 | -1 | Skaroller: TIFU by listening to Bloodhound Gang
So me and my dad decided to go out for an ice cream, and we get in the car and drive to McDonald's. We always like to listen to our loud-ass music, so we had it turned up loud enough for people one car over to hear. We get the ice cream, and we're listening to Bloodhound Gang's *Hell Yeah*, which is a satirical song about Christianity. It gets to this lovely verse
Oh Jesus can I borrow your crowbar (Jesus is pronounced "hey-sus")
To pry these goddamn nails out they're beginning to hurt
Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
When all of a sudden the guy in the car next to us says "Hey, turn that off, I don't like that song." At first I think it's some random schmo, and then I turn around to see a close family friend. Yep, he's pretty religious. This ain't good.
turtlesarerad14: Today you fucked up by blasting your music... how would you like it if someone did that next to you? I don't want to listen to someone else's shitty music choice while trying to enjoy my McDonald's.
Skaroller: I wouldn't care because mine is louder than theirs. Most people in my neighborhood like to drive with the windows up and AC on in summer, and those who have their windows open are also blasting their music.
Froyo101: Missing the point of his post and sounding like a selfish asshole...
Skaroller: It wasn't audible from the street. If you were listening to music yourself, you'd have never heard it. The friend only listens to radio talk shows, and was able to hear it. I guess listening so loud was part of the FU too.
| 5 | -0.2 | |
1407236352 | 1407258026 | t3_2cofbb | t5_2to41 | 8 | NiallxD: TIFU By being a clever 8 year old and fixing my own puncture on my bike's front wheel.
So, casting my mind back 10 years, I was 8 years old.
I had a puncture on my front tire of my push bike. Being the intelligent 8 year old I was, I pulled out the ol'puncture repair kit (I had watched my dad do this before) and proceeded to remove the tire and inner tube using some old tea spoons (anyone who is into bike will understand the whole tea spoon malarkey).
I was a fairly hands on 8 year old so I got the puncture fixed and the inner tube put back in. I pumped it up, checked it for the tell-tale hissing sound...we were all good.
Here is when things went wrong.
It was getting late and my parents shouted me my tea, so I headed inside, leaving the wheel sat in the forks - *I'll tighten them up after tea*.
I totally forgot about the bolts being loose and I was put to bed. Come the next day (It was a Saturday, and my mothers birthday) I went out to meet a friend. On my bike. With a loose wheel.
Cruising along and boom! the wheel comes out of the forks. They dig into the rough concrete and I catapult 5 feet over the handle bars. I smash my face on the ground and fucked shit up.
Oh and my mums birthday...I ruined that too.
I ran home ended up in hospital, transferred to a local dental reconstruction unit.
Anyway, that's how I fucked up. A similar post [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cm161/tifu_by_not_tightening_the_quick_release_on_my/) reminded me of this fuck up. Only mine had worse lasting effects.
I proceeded to have root canal treatment on my front teeth after they were put back into my gum (they were both force through my lip on impact). One of the teeth had to have the nerve removed, It has since died and left me with a gap (of which I have braces closing the gap currently...10 years down the line). The accident also detached my upper gum from my pallet, shit had to be stitched back on with 35+ stitches. I had to have my lip stitched back up where the teeth penetrated it, that was around 20 stitches.
All in all - I seriously fucked my teeth up. My upper lip has healed fully with only a small scar only visible when It's cold.
The braces will be coming off in about 6 months and reconstructive surgery to rebuild my lateral incisor to look like a incisor.
CHECK YOUR WHEELS ARE BOLTED TIGHTLY!
TL;DR Didn't bolt wheel on, went over handle bars and smashed face up. Still fixing the damage 10 years later.
OliStabilize: Jesus christ. That escalated quickly.
NiallxD: It did, happened only 2 weeks after my dad had to have his spleen removed. Got a free Xbox for it all though...
8BitPoro: Doesn't matter got sexbox
NiallxD: Worth it.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1407246046 | 1407248418 | t3_2cor0u | t5_2to41 | 12 | idonegoof: TIFU by not asking for her number or any way of contact.
well guys, I done goofed.
I've just come back from a holiday to Turkey where I went on this jeep safari trip thing with loads of other people from different hotels. Anyway we made several stops at different locations with significance in Turkish history (like Hectors tomb) and me and this girl started chatting about things in general and hitting it off pretty well. this continued for the most part of 6 hours as the trip was for the whole day and we started flirting quite a lot too. well here's the fuckup. the last stop was a natural mud bath and everyone got completely covered and had mud fights and all that and me and her basically stayed alone and had a good time between ourselves throwing mud at each other and wrestling, and when it was time to get into the jeeps to go back to our hotels and we headed our separate ways it hit me i didn't ask for her number or any means of contact. hell, I didn't even ask for her name and she never knew mine and now back in the U.K all I have is a CD with photos of the day that have both of us on. Is there anyway at all I could, or at least try to, find her?
Mondonodo: Maaaaybe you could look up the trip company, find the trip you were on, and maybe you could find the hotel she was at?
Stroke_it_Softly: Investigedditor
idonegoof: pardon?
| 4 | 3 | |
1407245630 | 1407274321 | t3_2coqeh | t5_2to41 | 20 | firefya: TIFU by going out in drag.
This happened a few days ago and my roommate is still upset with me for it.
I finally had an off day and since those were becoming more scarce by the week (we have a high turnover) I chose that off day to get up and go out. I should probably mention at this point that I perform as a drag queen (I'm smokin' hot, don't you worry). Anygay, I got ou with my roomie to the local gay bar. I'm getting tons of compliments all night, so I'm really feeling the fantasy.
Of course because I was going to be wearing a corset, I didn't eat.
Two drinks in and I'm pretty drunk, three drinks in, I start to get a little too sappy with people I don't know, four in and I'm slapping some guy as hard as I can because he keeps asking me to (you meet some weirdos when you do drag); everyone is watching and everyone is judging, but me and the roomie are too gone to care.
We go home, and I am so ready to get out of drag and strip everything off save for the duct tape that's making me a lady (it has to come off in the shower, otherwise PAIN). Our shower is really nice, it has a seat in it so I decided to get comfortable and let the warm stream of water soak my tuck until the tape came off. Naturally, I dozed off.
I wake up, still incredibly drunk, and step out of the shower to see water all over the bathroom. It's not a lot, I tell myself, this happens all the time with this shower--it doesn't have a very high guard separating it from the rest of the bathroom. Well, I get a bunch of towels and try to soak all of the water up and it ends up being a lot more than I thought. I get most of it, so yeah crisis averted right?
I step out into the bathroom into our connected living room and there is water....EVERYWHERE. I scan the room to see how bad it is, and its so bad, water is under the seats, by the lamps, by the entertainment center, leaking into the hallway, approaching a floor vent. I spring into naked action and start trying to mop it up but it seemed so hopeless, not only am I incredibly drunk but I only have a fucking spongemop. I wake my roomie up and he starts freaking out but helps me anyway. We got the water up in about an hour, but fuck he probably never wants to go out on the town with me again. Not to mention the following day our neighbors complained about a leak in their living area. We may have to pay for the damages, I don't know yet but god I hope not.
I should end that when we investigated the cause of this flood, we noticed that the drain to the shower was covered with the very duct tape that kept my tuck in place. Fuck.
Thanks u/AlpineYJ for a perfect **TL;DR**: got drunk; flooded the place with my dick tape.
w0uldbang: Sorry for your misfortune... but "Anygay"... not sure if typo or (because that made me lol)
rob_var: I like to believe OP did this intentionally lol
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1407246787 | 1407360191 | t3_2cos4h | t5_2to41 | 106 | my8thchannel: TIFU by trying to be adventurous with my omelette
About 20 minutes ago, I was in the mood for an omelette. Thinking of my father's pepper garden, I thought "Huh, that would really SPICE THINGS UP", so I picked a jalapeno and a chili pepper to throw in my omelette.
I chopped them up. Things went wrong about here.
I nonchalantly scratched my balls without washing my hands first. I didn't think anything of it. Oh my god no.
I grabbed the nearest cold thing and immediately pressed it onto my balls. One of those Starbucks prebottled iced coffees. I felt immediate relief.
Until I looked up to meet the gaze of a sweaty Hispanic guy outside of my window. *Fuck*. I forgot, my parents hired people to re-pave the driveway.
Some man saw me press an ice cold drink to my balls and look up with an almost orgasmic level of relief.
Even worse, when I finally shambled my way up to my room, ice cold drink pressed to my balls, I remembered that I don't even like spicy things. I had about a third of the omelette and the heat is still attacking me for thinking I had the balls to eat it.
Well fuck you omelette, I won't have the balls if you keep burning them off.
And now the other 2/3 is just sitting there, laughing at me.
**tl;dr: some guy saw me shove coffee into my balls and everything in my throat burns still**
xxDERPNxx: You were cooking and touched your bare balls?
my8thchannel: You've never just scratched your balls? I mean, I was wearing clothes, but clothes are irrelevant when your balls itch, man.
xxDERPNxx: If you scratched through your clothes how did it burn your balls? PS I don't have balls. ಠ_ಠ
my8thchannel: Scratching your balls through your clothes is like trying to scratch something while wearing gloves. The motions are there, but it's not getting anything done.
xxDERPNxx: So you touched your bare balls while cooking. That's a really horrible thought! Hope you learned your lesson!
XoxoJulieAnn: I was thinking that too. As a girl, I would never scratch myself down there while cooking. I don't understand the struggles of men though.
xxDERPNxx: That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. Your hands never go down the pants while cooking. I thought everyone's mom made that clear as a tot.
my8thchannel: Well if I'm cooking for someone else, sure. If I'm going to be the only one eating what I'm making, fuck it.
xxDERPNxx: Not sure if you're gross or a normal guy...
my8thchannel: I try to be fairly hygienic all of the time, and am pretty put together. I mean, sometimes there's a subconscious slip, but I consider myself on the better side of normal.
| 11 | 9.636364 | |
1407249429 | 1407272813 | t3_2cowhm | t5_2to41 | 76 | [deleted]: TIFU by peeing outside
So it was about 11pm last night and I went outside to have a smoke. There's not many lights around my yard so it's pretty dark out. So standing outside mid smoke, I realize I have to pee. I found a tree that looked like it needed a good shower and let it flow. Then all the sudden I hear my cat meowing to me. He's very friendly so he meows immediately after he sees me. I meowed back while peeing, talented I know. Then all of the sudden he runs up to me and I turn to see him and unfortunately piss all over his face. Off he ran covered in my pee. At least all the other cats in the neighborhood will know who he belongs to.
Mondonodo: I feel like this is a weirdly common occurrence, guys accidentally peeing/cumming on their cats.
karmasLittleHelper: Source?
grumpygooch: Your dad
HiDefFX: > guys accidentally peeing/cumming on their cats.
So women are completely exempt?
OldieButNotMoldy: Everyone know girls don't pee outside lol. It would also be near impossible for us to cum on one, unless we are really kinky. :O
Edit: changed a word
| 6 | 12.666667 | |
1407250734 | 1407341759 | t3_2coypn | t5_2to41 | 13 | RuneLordi: TIFU by trying to get myself fired.
I started a new job two months ago. It's a shitty part time job and I just needed the money to pay for my phone bill and other stuff. I live at home and almost have a bachelors degree. My first day was awful. The guys made fun of me and were very mean. So I got really sad and anxious and devised a plan to get myself fired. I won't go into details incase I'm identified but I disguised my voice and called the store claiming that the new worker, Joe (Me) called fake me, a customer, a fat whore. I thought this would get me fired and I could tell my parents "Hey I got fired due to a bogus customer complaint. You guys know I'd never call someone a fat whore!"
If I just quit then they would be upset. So making it seem like an unjust firing was my best idea. They ended up calling me into the office and writing me up but not firing me. So now I got a write up and look stupid as fuck. I even called the district manager and told him how Joe(me) was rude and I demand his termination. These guys are really mean so I need a way to get fired that's not illegal. I think I'm gonna cause an accident at work. Nothing major just enough to make em think I'm incompetent.
NegScenePts: Life isn't always full of nice people. I'm thinking that your parents made you get the job, and if you quit, they'll take your phone away, or something like that. Hence the sitcom-esque plan to get fired.
Suck it up, like a grownup, and work there.
RuneLordi: Actually no. I pay for my own things. You must be a "grown up" because you make assumptons about people online. Lol it's people like you that make me laugh.
NegScenePts: ...and yet...I'm not the one publicly posting about how they hate their part-time job after one day because everyone is mean, and rather than quit outright, they hatch a retarded plan to get themselves fired by disguising their voice on the phone...because their PARENTS would be upset if they quit. Sounds like completely normal behaviour for a 21 year old ADULT.
RuneLordi: You're an internet troll. That's all I got to say to you, KID.
NegScenePts: -OP posts stupid plan to sabotage his part time employment, utterly disrespecting his parents' request for him to work, without any background information as to WHY this is a good idea.
-OP starts namecalling when people post opinions that differ from what he wants to hear.
-OP's white knight shows up, asking for leniency with vaguebook-style post.
-OP assumes something about posters, and attempts to use that assumption to insult them...much like he's telling people NOT to do.
-NegScenePts gets bored and stops paying attention.
Reg45: You're the one making assumptions about OP. You don't know his story so lay off. You think you know him and you don't. Apologize to him.
RuneLordi: Thanks man. Glad to see I got someone who understands shit.
NegScenePts: ROTFLMAO!
Let me add:
-OP creates a troll account to support himself and his delusions.
Hey look! I'm not bored anymore! :D
RuneLordi: Um I created an account? You're one to talk about trolling, using internet acronyms like the kid you are. Scram, KID. The big boys are talkin'.
Reg45: Wow OP this guy really has it in for you. Guess some people just don't understand that Reddit ain't the place for their trolling. Also, just for the record, OP, your plan was good. You don't need that crap in your life. If people make fun of you just forget about them.
NegScenePts: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OMG, this is priceless.
a tip: when you post from your troll account, make it more than a minute after you post from your regular one.
I haven't had this much fun since 2001 :).
RuneLordi: Um he's not an alt. He's just a guy that sees your rudeness. You're trolling my post. Leave now, punk.
NegScenePts: Of course I'm trolling it. Duh.
RuneLordi: Get out NOW.
NegScenePts: No, because you are clearly new at the internet, and it's funny. Everyone knows that the best way to deal with a troll is to just ignore them and stop giving them what they want. I don't think you can do that.
RuneLordi: Haha your post history shows what a kid you truly are. Hardly any karma. It's sad. My main account has 4569 karma. You're puny compared to me. Bug off, punk.
NegScenePts: No proof, no care.
Honestly, the only reason I'm still paying attention is because it clearly irritates you. You even busted out the troll account, used the exact same posting style and words, and bragged about how karmically wonderful you are...using almost the exact same amounts for both. What's sad is that you think a big karma value means anything outside Reddit, lol. Can't buy food with it, can't pay a phone bill with it (which is why you had to get a job, IIRC), and BTW...if you pay for all your own things, why do you need a part time job?
You've got Aspergers.
| 18 | 0.722222 | |
1407244672 | 1407274945 | t3_2cop1o | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by wanting to play FIFA
TIFU by wanting to play FIFA
So I woke up this morning around 5 wanting play FIFA. The game was in my brother's room but since he always left work at 5, I had no problem walking into his room. Wrong...
All the lights were off but I still walked down the hall to get to his room. I didn't hear anything like usual but when I opened the door there he was. In his bed masturbating. I didn't see anything but his face in shock after he just unleashed a huge load. I quickly closed the door and tried to quietly run back to my room and pretend to sleep.
About 10 minutes later I hear his door open and his footsteps coming towards my room. He opens my door asking if I'm awake to which I say yes. Then he says my sleeping scheduled is fucked up because I start school soon. Finally he closes the door, takes a shower and leaves for work.
TLDR: Went to play FIFA, saw brother unleash load. Still played FIFA and beat Manchester City 4-3
8BitPoro: That formatting....
exhaustedcheese: Sorry about that. I did this on my phone through AlienBlue and it looked fine but when I looked my post up on Safari, it was badly formatted. I'll fix it when I get on the computer.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407251512 | 1407346656 | t3_2cp03k | t5_2to41 | 5 | agristew: TIFU by showing everyone my "goodies"
Well, this past weekend a group of friends and I went up to a buddy's cabin for drinking, boating and shenanigan's of the sort. One day, my girlfriends and I decide to blow up this massive 8-person floating party island and just drink, gossip and soak up the sun. The bikini top I decided to wear was made of light pink cotton; BIG MISTAKE! As soon as I decided to jump into the water the bikini top became completely see-through and I was part of a one-man-wet-tshirt contest! My best friend mentioned to me that she could see through my top, but me being as intoxicated as I was, I decided that she was over-reacting and it probably wasn't that bad. At this time a few other party-goers on other boats decide to come over to our floating island because, lets face it, a group of drunk 20-yr-old girls on a raft seems like a good group to hang out with. I was so hammered at this point I completely forgot about my see-through top and was laying out across the party raft, not leaving much to the imagination. After more and more people started mentioning the slutiness of my outfit, I finally realized how transparent my top actually was. I managed to crawl my way onto my buddy's boat, cover myself with a towel and tried not to attract anymore attention.
TL;DR wore a cotton bikini and gave everyone a free show.
[deleted]: I'm surprised no one offered you a shirt to cover up with.
agristew: Quite the opposite actually... damn horny boys haha
[deleted]: lol ah well lesson learned I assume! :P
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407252551 | 1407265110 | t3_2cp1z6 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by going for a hike after eating ice cream (lactose intolerant)
Gibtohom: Why didn't you just squat at the side of the trail or something much better than crapping in running leggings.
Pizazz_Princess: It was extremely crowded with other patrons, and the mountainside was bare except for a few scrub brush, which didn't offer much in the way of cover. The thought had crossed my mind, but alas there was no place to drop my pants without exposing myself to everyone else there.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407250671 | 1407282280 | t3_2coylx | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by laughing at a customer
I literally just got to work and she came down and told me she wasn't paying for our hotel rooms because the hair dryers didn't work. Then she went on to say that she was going to, "sue the shit out of us." Then I smiled really big and asked her, "You are going to sue us because the hair dyers didn't work?" and then I started to laugh and she got extremely angry, yelled a bit, and stormed off.
therealteej: You should have given her Saul Goodman's contact info.
trampabroad: Your taste in lawyers is just like your taste in women. Only the very best, with just the right amount of dirty.
LightningKillua: If I had gold I would give you some... Comment of the year.
trampabroad: You know what? Fuck you AND YOUR EYEBROWS!
| 5 | 3 | |
1407252605 | 1407267374 | t3_2cp22m | t5_2to41 | 1 | Kembawalker1: TIFU by presenting a PowerPoint to a class.
Voyager5555: can you please stop using "Prezi" as a word? Thanks
Kembawalker1: > Prezi
go to www.prezi.com please
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1407254864 | 1407335748 | t3_2cp65s | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting married
[deleted]: You must have met my ex wife after I divorced her.
scared_of_Low_stuff: I must have.
[deleted]: I feel your pain. I dealt with it for 10 years until I finally had enough. Once all is said and done, you will be so much happier on your own or with someone else.
scared_of_Low_stuff: I sure don't feel that way.
| 5 | 1 | |
1407251175 | 1407256680 | t3_2cozid | t5_2to41 | 50 | Winendinen69: TIFU by becoming a human fountain
My "fuck up" happened last night.
My sister dragged me/forced me to an Arcade Fire concert last night. While there, she offers me part of a "tootsie roll-type" edible. I am not a pot smoker, and I definitely don't do edibles, I thought I'd take it just to see how it was.
I ate 1/2 of it, and thought I would be fine since how small it was. Everything was going fine, until the high hit me like an African elephant running away from poachers.
I stood up during the concert and.... did not feel human. Until I started getting the feeling like I had just gone on a amusement park ride where all they do is spin you around. At this point, I'm feeling like death and ask my sister to come help me, so we run to the nearest trash can so I can puke up whatever contents my high-ass self ate during the concert. I threw up a few times, nothing too embarrassing since it was in the trash can.I thought I was feeling fine, and so my sister and I go back to the seats.
All was well until a joint started getting passed around, and the poignant smell of marijuana travels through my nose and into my lungs. And what happened next is one of the most cringe-worthy things that had ever happened to me.
What came out of my mouth was nothing short of revolting. I started spewing this god-forsaken barf that just went everywhere in front of me. And we were not sitting in the front row. My mouth couldn't stop, and I was at the beginning stages of accepting my life as a human-turned-water fountain.
After what felt like an hour of throwing up (more realistically, like 5 seconds), my sister and I ran out of the concert and sheepishly walked back to her car. May be the last time I'll be eating an edible.
TL;DR: good weed does not equal good outcome
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Were you drinking before you took the edible?
Winendinen69: nope
BALLS_IN_MY_ASS: Damn, that sucks. I was just curious.
Get the next one.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1407251574 | 1407298852 | t3_2cp087 | t5_2to41 | 102 | fluffymilkshake: TIFU by smashing a medicine cabinet into my pecker. Possibly [NSFW]
This happened to me just a couple hours ago and I felt like it was worthy for my first post ever on reddit.
Back story: I live by myself in a house left to me by my grandfather. He had a family of 6 so needless to say this house is much bigger than a single male needs. Even though I'd hate to see this house go I just can't really afford the taxes on the house so I've been making small fixes to the house to get ready to sell next year.
So last night I was putting up a new medicine cabinet in the upstairs bathroom above the toilet I don't know why (possibly cause of my slightly drunken state) I thought it'd be a good idea to start screwwing it to the wall by the bottom instead of the top. Now this wouldn't be a problem if I had finished all the screws right away but then after only putting two bottom screws in I get a call from a girl I've been hooking up with the past month or so. Obviously when you get offered sex as a bachelor you're not gonna turn it down so I run down the hall to the other bathroom to take a shower (bathroom I was working on doesn't have a shower). I get out just in time and see her pulling in my drive way. Now I'm a gentleman so I'm not gonna explain what we did or how amazing it was but let it be known it was some crazy good shit. Fast forward she sends the night she leaves around 7:30-8 ish and I stumble out of bed around 8:30 still slightly hung over completely forget about the bathroom renovation. Now every guy has been there done this I was leaning up against the wall for support while drainin the main vein. When I grabbed the top of the medicine cabinet for support it obviously only being held at the bottom I ended up prying the thing off the wall it came flying down smashed into my Johnson, piss went everywhere swear words so loud the neighborhood could hear and I fall backwards into a bunch of screws and get small stab wounds, All over my legs and ass.
TLDR; ripped huge holes in the wall after hurling the medicine cabinet at my Willy covered myself and room in piss and blood doesn't matter had sex.
mystifired: ... how did the clean up go?
fluffymilkshake: I don't wanna think about it.... I have a terrible gag reflex and the fact that I had to clean up my own piss and blood almost made me puke.
eyusmaximus: Would you rather it be that or little microscopic ---fuck this shit this is NFSW--- CUM THAT CAME OUT OF YOUR PENIS.
| 4 | 25.5 |
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