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1407256223 | 1407344597 | t3_2cp8pk | t5_2to41 | 78 | YOUGOTMOxY: TIFU by becoming chinless
So, I'm a guy in his early twenties. A big guy. Not *obsese* like I was back in secondary school, but pretty big and pretty round. *Fleshy and big boned* one might say.
Except for one feature, my face. I had the great fortune of having a high forehead and small nose combined with the almost total absence of a chin whatsoever. To give you some context I can go on bus and find twelve-year old girls with a more august chin than mine.
Combined with my weight this gives me the appearance of having no chin at all, rather a long sloping neck that ends in a weaselly smile. This would all be good and well if I had small, cunning features or were lanky. But if you remember I am fat. So all this does is make me look like a po-faced idiot.
I was gladly saved by my beard-growing ability. I was able to grow prodigious beards, which not only helped me look like an adult, but give the impression that I had actual testosterone.
In fact my beard had grown so large that I had begun to look like a proto-rasputin.
So I went to get it cut.
We began. And it began alright. He did the hair well, to my specifications. It looks alright, short on the sides and back, long on the top.
But then he got to the beard. And oh dear did he screw it up.
It began with me telling him the basics. Short on the side. I want a proper line around the outside. And a bow shape underneath. I say this because finding people who can cut a proper manly beard in Britain is hard as hell. I often find myself happier with the results after I give the instructions than when I don't. So you know, I say it. It gets done. We're both happy.
This time the instructions did nothing. I end up with a Walter Sobchack beard, with one crucial difference. The beard was cut in a way that looked like it was melting off my face. The sideburns hung over my chin and whereas one side was cut vertically down from the edge of my moustache, the other was cut almost diagonally.
I looked at what had happened and looked totally calm, stiff upper lip. I was screaming inside.
I ask him to cut off the sideburns. He does so. I try and go for a Gordon Freeman look. What the barber gives me is this... this 90's metal frat boy goatee.
I just tell him to take it all off.
"I guess we weren't communicating properly." I say.
"I did exactly what you told me to." He responds, defensively.
Internally I think 'If I ever see you on the street, I'll rip out your tongue and sodomize you with it'
So it all comes off. And in full horrifying display I see myself without my beard. 9 year old boys have more on my chin. I don't squirm, I just smile, pay, leave and think about all of the ways I am going to flay this man alive before I am through with him.
I do not mind pointing out that my chin makes me feel insecure. It really just does not look good. So I get on the bus, trot home and look at myself in the mirror.
It's fixable. It can be dealt with. God help me.
But in the mean time I will be staring at my face and thinking 'what an idiot'. Whilst I looked in the mirror I also began to wonder about how bad it would be if I was thinner, or more muscular. Would it be so bad? Might it even look impish or cute? I don't want to end up with an insulin resistance.
So I start thinking of ways to deal with my weight, which is a serious problem. I've begun looking at /r/keto and /r/loseit.
So it was not a kind day, almost emasculating in a way. But maybe, just maybe, it might help change me for the better.
Lamerbeam: I'd love to see this chin!
tired_old_man: so would he.
YOUGOTMOxY: It looks like a baby's elbow hanging under my lower lip.
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1407260803 | 1407265516 | t3_2cphiq | t5_2to41 | 21 | Shadowarriors: TIFU by scratching my crouch...
So today i was in the subway sitting in my corner when i suddently feel the urge to scratch my crouch, with the hot and all (men will understand). In front of me were 2 children and their mother. When i get down there and look up i see their mother looking at me with a mildly shocked face like i was touching myself. Needless to say i had to change sits.
To clarify i was looking slightly in their direction, god knows why...
Voyager5555: How does one scratch a crouch?
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: I'm more concerned that OP just changed sits. Like what?
Spread your legs a bit further apart?
Geez man, could have moved away or something....
| 3 | 7 | |
1407260633 | 1407523018 | t3_2cph6x | t5_2to41 | 557 | Wordsworth_2k: TIFU by getting very angry about underage sex, subsequently jeopardising my career, my livelihood and three years+ of work.
Well Reddit,
Yesterday I woke up a deliciously happy sci-fi author of some renown in a long-standing relationship with a highly regarded publisher, a husband to the most incredible woman in the world (the kind of girl who makes you question your own realism and give over to the idea that people are made for each other) and a father-to-be with a pair of twins on the way. To say I live a fantasy life and have had much luck along the way would be 2014's understatement numero-uno.
I've spent three years slaving over my latest novel - my intellectual baby, the book I've always wanted to write. It's grand, it's minute and it's been ground down to the point where it's as close to perfect as I have the skill to make it. This is important - in my, my editor and my wife's eyes every single detail of this book is there for a reason. There is no fluff, nothing irrelevant. Every scene is in its place and is the exact length it needs to be.
It's a hot afternoon and I'm a little irritated by my monitor that's been breaking down all day when the phone on my desk that I reserve purely for business starts to ring. Unusual, but not unheard of. It's my publisher - they like the book how it is, it's in a state ready for print, they just want me to come in to their office and discuss something with them. This is the first time this has ever happened and it strikes me that maybe it's some form of congratulation for writing such a fantastic piece of literature!
The mood is jovial, I'm offered a glass of something expensive and alcoholic before they sit me down and with something approaching nonchalance explain that they need to make just a little change. I ask what could that be and my heart sinks.
There's an explicit sex scene in my book. It's the crux of the protagonist's entire arc. It is not gratuitous, it is necessary and without it the character's development becomes weak. It just happens that the two who engage in, well, fucking each other, are aged 16 and happen to be in Colorado at the time. They're under-age and fully aware of that fact. To my publisher this is an issue that may affect sales and they want me to remove the scene or change the character's ages.
BUT IT'S MUH BABEHHHHH!!!111oneoneone!!!111
So I pull my forehead into a deep frown, get up from the leather chair without finishing my expensive alcoholic drink and leave without a word. By this time it is very early in the morning and when I get home my wife has fallen asleep waiting for me. I toss and turn for a few hours before falling into a sweaty slumber and when I wake up it's ten in the morning and my wife has left for work. This is important because if I'd had her to talk things over with there is no way my royal fuck up would have happened. I sit alone in my lounge on the sofa all morning rumbling inside, rage boiling hotter and hotter in my heart with every passing minute until I throw myself into my car and drive very, very fast to my publisher. How could THEY censor my work? What do THEY know about it, anyway?
I'm not an angry man, I don't get angry about anything - I'm very much the guy who'll hang back and avoid confrontation, but yesterday... Yesterday oh boy, as I marched through the glass doors and slapped a clenched fist on the reception desk I was angrier than I've ever been. The poor woman jumped out of her skin and mumbled something about an appointment not being available with the bigwig (we'll call him Oliver.) Well, I know where the brass hang out and no lack of appointment's about to stop this rampaging rhinoceros from charging his way to unemployment. I push through into the corridor of power and without heeding the cries of anybody behind me I barrel into the CEO's office where he's deep in conversation with a very well-dressed man. I raise my finger and point at him like everything IN THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE IS HIS FUCKING FAULT and begin hurling expletives at a volume that would impress Roger Daltrey. I am a hundred percent certain that oceans of spittle landed in his face, but at the time I was bubbling with so much rage that I could barely formulate sentences. He regarded me over his glasses after my disgusting outpouring had come to a close and then turned his attention back to the man sat opposite him, whose face I had not yet seen. "Excuse me a second, please, Mr. Paisley."
Mr Paisley being one of the company's largest shareholders.
Needless to say, I was fired.
Needless to say, my agent called a few hours ago to drop me in disgust.
I'm sitting here in an acid pit of self-hatred, guilt and remorse. I've yet to tell my wife that what was guaranteed to be my most highly marketed and well received book that I've spent the last three years of my life working on may never see the light of day or make any money. I've yet to admit to myself that I may never find any agent stupid enough to take me on after this and I may not be able to make a living writing stories ever again.
I have twins being born in November.
Tl;dr: Today I fucked up really, really hard by having a character transplant and going apeshit in front of two very, very important people.
Edit: So I guess a few things need clarification. I blame me and only me for this - my publisher made no outrageous request, they did nothing wrong at all and those below accusing me of arrogance, I agree with you. I did something ridiculous, stupid and reckless to satisfy my own ego. There is no blame that lies with anybody but myself. I didn't think I was weak enough of a person to let the stress I've been trying to ignore come out in a vicious outburst, but apparently I am. They made a sensible request which would most likely have led to more sales and the venture being more viable for them and me and if I'd just sat down and thought about it logically for one second I would have realised that. When I wrote "character transplant" in the tl;dr it was neater and, I suppose, more theatrical than saying "out of character." I wasn't trying to pin my actions on divine intervention or similar that has been suggested below.
I also wanted to clarify that the reason they want to remove/change the scene is not to take away shock value or make it tamer, it is purely so that the book can be marketed to a wider audience. Simple as.
To those who suggested self publishing, thanks for your advice, but it's actually a Spanish language book and I don't feel my English is good enough where I could do a translation or be able to check the work of a contractor who'd do it for me. I'm also useless at marketing and I've heard nothing but stories from friends about how shifting copies digitally is as likely as winning the lottery without large investment.
Also [narrated](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAo9ZqqvrYM&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6&index=34) by /U/Cyae1
ReadIt_Junkie: Self publish. Release the book on Amazon and Nook. Sell it that way. Might not make as much money doing it this way as you would have with a major publisher but if the book is good you should do more than okay. Might even yourself another "ride" with a new agent and publisher.
Also...you can apologize. Let them know that being asked to change your book - your life's work to date - was emotionally trying. That you have twins on the way and you are stressed. Suck it up, swallow the pride. No harm in admitting when you are wrong. Take a bigger person to do that than to go on pretending you werent.
atomsk404: i agree with this. id also be interested in reading your books - hard to find good scifi and it sounds like you are passionate about your work.
thisisnotatriumph: Or he is just a nutjob. What kind of sci-fi is based in Colorado with 16 years olds?
trampabroad: Nice try George RR Martin
BeowulfShaeffer: That's not sci-fi, that's fantasy.
ya_tu_sabes: Not at all. I've been reading *Tuf Voyaging* by GRRM and it's definitely sci-fi. We're talking futuristic setting, space voyaging, aliens with long history of trade and old intergalactic wars etc etc. It's pretty good. Lots of action and much humour ^(and a bit of gore) but no one should be surprised about this by now.
BeowulfShaeffer: I was specifically thinking of ASOIAF aka *Game of Thrones*
infiniZii: GRRM is more famous for his work in Fantasy (namely ASOIAF) but he is also a well established sci-fi writer, though they are mostly short stories or novellas. You should check out some of his Sci-fi. I forget the name of it, but there is one about a jump-portal (for spaceships) operator who is completely isolated and going a little crazy waiting for his replacement to come release his position. Great short story.
bowyer-betty: The Second Kind of Loneliness
infiniZii: Thank you. You liked that story too?
bowyer-betty: It was great. You should look into his short story collection Dreamsongs. Sf, fantasy, horror, and it's got a 7 kingdoms novella. Amazing read.
infiniZii: A local library has it on audiobook so I did hear most of the stories. Sadly I never did finish it. I should pick it up agian sometime.
| 13 | 42.846154 | |
1407259233 | 1407370235 | t3_2cpei2 | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking I was Spiderman
Several years ago (15/m at the time) I got a really lousy flu. I was not feeling up to anything and I had a pretty high fever, so I was kind of "out of it" to begin with. My mom said I took 2 "dayquil" that day and then before bed I took 2 "nyquil"; these combined is apparently the maximum daily adult dosage. Unfortunately, I was only about 120 pounds at the time, so when I woke up that morning, the effects were still potent.
I started my daily routine of getting ready. I brushed my teeth, showered, and then it was time to put in my contacts. I put in a pair and everything went blurry. What?? I took them out. I thought "what could have possibly caused this?!" And quickly came to the conclusion that I must have gotten a spider bite, which fixed my vision, like Spiderman. I remember checking myself for a spider bite for a long time, but I found nothing.
During breakfast, I realized that hiding my true identity as Spiderman is my top priority, so I played it cool. I left as soon as possible (without shooting any web on my pancakes) and go back upstairs to investigate more. After a few hours of trying to jump on my walls and hang from things, the medicine started to wear off from last night, and I went into my bathroom again and found many pairs of contacts opened. I guess I had gotten stuck in some kind of mode in which I kept trying to put in contacts, and obviously it didn't work. I checked my eyes and realized that I initially had a pair of contacts in (still not sure when I put them in). I never told my family.
TL;DR- I slept with my contacts in and my brain was too foggy from nyquil to realize, so when I woke up with corrected vision, I thought I was Spiderman.
OldieButNotMoldy: Don't ever tell them because you would never live that down, ever. But it is funny lol.
Charlieap96: Yet at the same time, I kind of have this little part of me deep down inside that really really wants OP's friends and family to find this.
OldieButNotMoldy: I kinda do too, does that make us bad lol
Charlieap96: Absolutely not. It actually makes us better people for wanting to bring joy to more people. I love logic.
OldieButNotMoldy: Ppl need more joy in their lives lol
Charlieap96: Oh... People need more of a lot of things in their lives...
OldieButNotMoldy: Money and sex lmao
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1407262022 | 1407264986 | t3_2cpjv9 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to make out with my boy friend
gingiesmalls: /r/im14andtifu
SakuraCha: actually im twenty but whatever
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407261234 | 1407281238 | t3_2cpicl | t5_2to41 | 21 | gh0stFACEkller: TIFU by trying to seem smart
To begin this story I must inform you I am an average person and I never get hit on at the bar (I'm a guy). Anyways, I was watching a UFC event with my friend at a bar and when it was over most everyone left immediately but we stayed for a couple drinks. These two girls came up and asked how we liked the fight and we began chatting and playing pool. About an hour or so into the conversation somehow the topic about the differences between men and women came up...Now to backtrack my dad is a psychologist and showed me this cool link on youtube about a study with these people throwing a basketball (If you want to do the test here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo Do the test before reading or it will ruin test if you want to do it later). So I ran into my car grabbed my laptop which already had the girls looking at me strangely and showed them the test**(it's a bunch of people in a circle bouncing a basketball back and forth then half way through a guy in a gorilla costume walks through the middle of them, women generally don't see it for some reason). They didn't see the gorilla in the video and I started talking about how interesting it was and trying to seem educated (using words my dad had said while explaining it to me but had no idea if i was even using them right). Needless to say they said they had to go about 2 min later. My friend never lets me live this one down. I know the story is a little anti-climatic but there wasn't much to say after they left...
EDIT:** I forgot to explain what the video was.
Voyager5555: "So I ran into my car grabbed my laptop"
Yeah....don't do that. Ever.
Omnipotence456: Yeah, this is definitely the worst part.
| 3 | 7 | |
1407266102 | 1407316090 | t3_2cprfw | t5_2to41 | 114 | anditstartstospread: TIFU by leaving my lingerie in my car
I just graduated from college and have been at home for the summer before I move out of state for my post-grad job in a couple weeks. I had some scandalous lingerie that I wore for my bf that I kept in a little bag. When we broke up, he dropped it off at my house and I stashed it away in my car. My mom has a knack for cleaning and organizing, so I wanted to keep it in there rather than in my room or closet.
Today, she took my car to the shop for an oil change. When she came back home, she said, "I'm going to wash these for you and give them back to you. Privately." I see the little bag sitting on top of the washer.
I thought I had it pretty well hidden, but I guess she had gone through my car to take things out before handing over the car. My mom knows I'm not a prude and have been sexually active, but I'd prefer she didn't know about these things. For a somewhat conservative Asian mother, she reacted pretty calmly.
And thank you baby Jesus for giving me the wisdom to pack away my other after hours bedroom items in my moving boxes...
DeftShark: "Thanks, that shit is getting worn to-fucking-night!"
Oliwri: Or worn to fucking-night?
Havib3: badduMM *TSHH*
| 4 | 28.5 | |
1407260911 | 1407356098 | t3_2cphq5 | t5_2to41 | 17 | StrangeLoveNebula: TIFU by not calling my dad first
The pilot light on my water heater went out last night and my husband is out of town on business. He called the same company that installed our water heater to come fix it, because I obviously have no idea what I'm doing. Regardless, it took the guy ten minutes and they charged us $110. I was dumbfounded at the cost. I called my dad afterwards, and he said he would have done it for free, and that usually the gas company will come do it for free. I feel like a cheated stupid idiot. :(
OldieButNotMoldy: It's not very hard to do, ask your husband to show you how for next time.
StrangeLoveNebula: My husband doesn't know how, either.
OldieButNotMoldy: Really, I thought ever man knew stuff like that. My grandfather taught me to do a lot of things women don't generally do, just in case.
StrangeLoveNebula: He didn't have the most stable childhood and was moved from different relatives' houses a lot, so he never really had a father-type figure to teach him a lot of this stuff, unfortunately. He's a great businessman, but give him a toolbox and he doesn't know the first thing to do with it. Makes me wish I paid more attention to my dad when he was doing basic repairs!
OldieButNotMoldy: I learned things from my grandpa bc my real dad left us before I was born. I had a step father but the only thing he taught me was how to fight, I got so good at it I would kick his ass, instead of the other way around. Anyways, now I try and teach myself. Today I will be putting 2 tiles back on my bathtub wall. They fell off and my hubby is working so I'm going to try it. I hope I do it right lol. You can ask your dad to teach you to light the pilot light, and next time it goes out and then you'll always remember.
StrangeLoveNebula: I'm totally going to ask my dad to teach me for next time. Good luck with your tiles!
OldieButNotMoldy: I'm going to need it I just stuck my glove to the tub lmao
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1407041466 | 1414865034 | t3_2cha9p | t5_2to41 | 6 | thefuckwhisperer: TIFU by using a travel size lotion on my VERY chapped, cracked and bleeding hands.
I wash my hands. A lot. After every bathroom break, whenever I'm gonna eat, whenever I get something on them, whenever I feel like I'm in a "germy" type environment, etc. As a result, my hands tend to be very dry and chapped, and sometimes (winter especially) will crack and bleed. I usually have a large pump style bottle of lotion on my desk at work that I use to keep hands nicely moistened and nourished as to avoid the pain and discomfort of cracking and bleeding. Yesterday I used the last of the desktop lotion and threw out the bottle, intending to replace it with another from the drug store on my way to work the next day. Alas, I did not make a reminder for myself, and, as such I did not get said replacement bottle of lotion. So here I am at work, hands getting more dry and chapped with each subsequent washing as the day goes on. I decide to check my overhead compartment and drawers for a spare tube of lotion I may have lying around, and to my surprise, actually do find a small travel size tube. "Perfect" I think to myself as this will get me through the day for my hand lubrication needs, and also serve as a reminder to stop after work and get a large size desktop pump bottle replacement as I can just stick the travel sized lotion in my pocket to serve as my reminder. The day moves forward as usual, and I apply said travel size lotion to my hands as needed after every wash. Except after multiple applications I notice my hands are not getting much better. In fact, they seem to be getting worse, feeling quite dry as if they will start to crack and bleed any moment now. I decide I should probably check what shitty brand lotion this is so I don't make the mistake of buying a big ass bottle of this moisture-sucking, hand-cracking-inducing dogshit brand of lotion. Imagine my surprise when I pull out the travel size lotion bottle and read the label, only to discover it isn't hand lotion at all, it's travel size ACNE MEDICATION CREAM. No fucking wonder it's drying my shit out even more. FML, and my poor fucking chapped, cracked and bleeding hands.
TL;DR Thought I was using travel size hand lotion on my dry chapped hands, turns out it was acne medication, which only dries them out more. Ouch. Ouchy.
under______score: The solution is wash your hands less
thefuckwhisperer: That's some fucked up, repugnant shit.
jmargevich: It's not good to wash your hands too much. Obviously it's drying out your hands and it's healthy to get sick every so often so your body is ready when you get something serious
thefuckwhisperer: That's your opinion, and your opinion is not only wrong, it's fucking moronic. Also, welcome to two months ago. Wtf.
jmargevich: Not really an opinion. An opinion would imply that there is no right or wrong, that it is more of a moral difference or two equally bad or good choices, neither one of which is necessarily wrong or right. It's more like you just being a twat. And let's grow up and use our big boy vocabulary, if that's okay with you.
thefuckwhisperer: It really is an opinion, there's actually two of them: "it's not good to wash your hands too much" and "it's healthy to get sick so your body is ready for something serious". You have nothing to support your claims, which are wrong. Washing your hands is good, it decreases the spread of germs which decreases the chance of spreading illnesses. You knew this already though. Getting sick is not exercise for your immune system. Your immune system has antigens and t cells ready to attack when an illness strikes. It either works or it doesn't. The only benefit getting sick will have is the next time you are sick with the same illness your immune system will have a quicker response due to having encountered that illness before. But that isn't what you claimed.
Notice I have completely owned you with my big boy vocabulary, which you requested I do immediately after you called me a twat, you fucking hypocritical, ill-informed fucktard. Have a great day.
jmargevich: Good job kiddo! You almost made it through an entire comment without sounding like an ignorant ass but maybe you are still confused on the definition of an opinion and also, your poor hand washing habits. An opinion is defined as "a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge". Your view of my statement would actually make it misinformation or disinformation but I trust you know how to use a dictionary to look those up. Second, there are appropriate times to wash you hands and washing outside of these times as you have described becomes excessive and harmful. Excessive hand washing is linked with OCD but that won't hurt you so worry not. One effect of excessive washing is dry and cracked hands but I'm sure you don't have that to worry about because your habits are perfect. I suggest looking at the CDC website on their guidelines to washing your hands so you can do it in a healthier fashion and still prevent the diseases which you seem to be terrified of. I'll paste a link at the end of the response for you to read. The appropriate times to wash your hands are as follows:
Before, during, and after preparing food
Before eating food
Before and after caring for someone who is sick
Before and after treating a cut or wound
After using the toilet
After changing diapers or cleaning up a child who has used the toilet
After blowing your nose, coughing, or sneezing
After touching an animal or animal waste
After handling pet food or pet treats
After touching garbage
Considering that you seem to wash your hands more than that, causing them to crack and bleed, I suggest cutting down on your wash frequency and maybe getting a soap that includes lotion and not other chemicals that dry out your hands. I'll link you to an Amazon page with some brands that offer that as well, for your own good. Thank you for reading this lengthy response but seeing as you are an "ill-informed fucktard", I was willing to help. Have an awesome day.
CDC Handwashing: http://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/
Soap with lotion: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=hand%20soap%20with%20lotion&sprefix=hand+%2Caps
thefuckwhisperer: *Sigh* You are literally too stupid to argue with, but here we go. An opinion is a viewpoint on something subjective, I.E. "washing your hands too much isn't good". Once you support that opinion with valid points, it becomes an argument, which is what you now have with the help from your cdc website. But your full claim was that "washing hands too much isn't good because getting sick IS Good for you" and I've already completely dismantled that part of your claim. I'll accept your points made with the support of the cdc website while pointing out that a. My stated intervals for washing my hands were pretty much in line with the cdc recommendations, and b. What is considered "too much" has not been defined and is still subjective, therefore you have no leg to stand on. You have given support for your opinion and made an argument, congrats, you have won fuckall save the information you gained while supporting your opinion. You're welcome.
| 9 | 0.666667 | |
1407269976 | 1407270240 | t3_2cpylz | t5_2to41 | 27 | KinglyJoker: TIFU when I missed the hole
So I'm hanging out with some friends at my house when I invite this girl and her friends over. Nothing too serious, just hanging out and getting a little drunk. So me and this girl get to talking and we kind of hit it off and we end up going into my room. Our little group had already finished a handle of vodka so both of us were pretty drunk. Anyway I walk in and see my friend banging some girl in my bed. Being a true bro, I go into the closet (Why? You may ask.. Well why the fuck not?) So we head into the bathroom where my closet is and we find some more vodka and take a few more shots. Now I'm pretty fucked up. We get down to business and we "fuck" for about 20 minutes. I get up and the girl just looks at me, confused as fuck. I asked her what was wrong. She just looked at me and busted out laughing. She told me that *I didn't even fuck her* , like I never stuck my goodies into Pandora's box, I failed to Picasso her Canvas, I didn't even doodle on her walls. Don't know what happened after that. I took 2 more shots and woke up the next day with my head over the toilet.
USNSwimmer: So.... What was she doing for 20 minutes?
DETRITUS_TROLL: Very good question.
| 3 | 9 | |
1407269026 | 1407340039 | t3_2cpwrv | t5_2to41 | 102 | Semester_Off: TIFU by attempting to mow the lawn
I am a college student, and I'm home for the summer. Today, my mom asked me if I could mow the lawn. "Sure!" I replied enthusiastically. I proceeded to walk outside in just athletic shorts and shoes, deciding against a shirt due to the southern summer heat. We keep our lawnmower in a small shed behind our house. I pulled out the lawnmower, only to discover that some ants had decided to colonize it. Annoyed, I brushed off as many off as I could, and thanked the Lord that at least they weren't fire ants. I began to push the lawn mower towards the front lawn, when all of a sudden my right shin started to burn. I looked down, and saw about 8-10 bees with their stingers firmly planted in my leg. It dawned on me that I must've rolled over a nest. I quickly scraped the the bees on my leg off with my other foot, and took off running. As luck would have it, a bee decided to plant a stinger in the small of my back, right over my spine. I, being the genius that I am, was of course not wearing a shirt. Now, here I am, starting to doze off because of the Benadryl. I know full well that at the very least, I will have to go retrieve the lawn mower and gas tank from the bee swarm's clutches at some point. Fuck you, insects. Fuck you.
TL;DR Tried to mow my lawn, greeted by an ant colony and attacked by a swarm of bees for my troubles.
Mobiasstriptease: I was on the roof once, spraying an antifungal on the tiles when I apparently walked over a wasp nest- fortunately I didn't kill myself by falling off since I immediately started running around the slanted roof like a crazy person. Made it to the lowest point of the roof (like 8-10 ft) and jumped.
MaskedSociopath: Listening to heavy metal while reading this made it sound so much more hardcore.
Mobiasstriptease: Doing it while being 14 years old and carrying a bright pink sprayer, and probably wearing some hand-me-down clothes from older cousins... I was most definitely *not* hardcore.
PM_me_yourkittens: Oh god that image...
Mobiasstriptease: Brings back memories, doesn't it? ; )
PM_me_yourkittens: -_-
| 7 | 14.571429 | |
1407274147 | 1407277425 | t3_2cq6lg | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by writing an actual paper letter to a girl from Tinder I had a one-night stand with.
.
reseph: Warm regards?
*Warm regards*?
Oh god
monkeypunchluff: At least it fits with, "continuing to grow this friendship."
[edit]
**I think OP unintentionally friend-zoned her.**
reseph: RIP OP
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1407273763 | 1407276356 | t3_2cq5ut | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by not BCCing a massive email.
I had to send a district wide email (3,000+ people). It was a pretty cut and dry email. "Problem's fixed. Sorry for the confusion".
I didn't BCC them.
User have been hitting Reply All all fucking day.
Now people 4 pay grades above me are getting spammed with "k --Sent from my iPhone".
I feel like a fucking tool.
Chronicle89: Id take pride in pissing off people 4 levels above my pay grade. In a sense you know on some level they think they're above most employees. Time to bring that to a crashing halt.
[deleted]: It's snowballing out of control at this point. My directive has been to "let the candle burn out".
**To provide a little context:**
We had a massive email overhaul. One particular email group was accidentally able to send messages district wide. We saw the gap and made an immediate fix.
I made the correction and sent out a update. People have been replying, *"If the problem is fixed, how come I can see this email?"*
People have literately been replying all, stating that they can see this email.
Never in a million years would I have imagined a scenario where I would hit "Reply All" to an email sent too "XYZ_GLOBAL@".
Chronicle89: That does seen quite bad, sorry, I didn't really understand the severity.
Well, I'm sure it'll all blow over soon. You could send out another mass email asking people not to reply to the first...
[deleted]: I approached our executive director with the idea. He's waiting to see if it blows over.
| 5 | 8 | |
1407275863 | 1407296308 | t3_2cq9tw | t5_2to41 | 31 | Green_Bit: TIFU by falling of the wagon and buying weed.
The adrenaline is pumping now that I'm thinking about it again. Ohohohooh did I fuck today...
So my phone's pretty old. It was my mom's old flip phone.
Usually those things are built like a brick, but I guess I dropped it one too many times and last night, it just stopped holding a charge.
So, this morning, I wake up and discover this. I'm not troubled, because it stays on when it's on the charger and I'm up to get a replacement this month anyways.
After a few hours of reading I got a text from my bud guy. I had been out of weed for about two months now. I needed to save money and I'm trying to quit smoking weed (temporarily) and cigarettes (permanently).
He said, "I'll give you a deal."
*I guess two months was long enough...*
I explain my phone situation to him and let him know I would be over at ***exactly*** 2:45. He was okay with this.
I reiterated my 2:45 ETA and he confirmed it.
So, I arrive and his car's not there.
*Okay... Maybe someone's borrowing it.*
I get out of my truck and walk up to the door that has a funny(?) warning sign saying that **Tresspassers will be shot, stabbed, and beaten. Survivors will be prosecuted.**
Funny stuff. I take note of the white pitbull sitting by the door. I'd been in the same room as her once before and she seemed cool so I didn't worry when she stood up and came over to me as I knocked on the door and then put my hands in my pockets.
I had read somewhere that you should do this around dogs.
Nobody answered. (Oh shit, my heart's beating so fast while I'm typing this.)
She's standing right next to me and she's not looking at me. I remembered that she had done this last time so I didn't worry, but I did start to wonder where my friend was and knoced a second time. His brother opens up and tells me through the screen that he's not there and to come back later.
I'm a little confused because I was very certain that we had agreed upon 2:45, this morning. So, he closes the door and I turn around to walk and
***BAM***
The bitch bit me. She lunged at me! And got my right leg like one handwidth above my knee. She locked on and started shaking.
I'm confused, at first, why I stopped moving and feel a tugging on my leg.
Annoyed, I look down and see that she's there.
*What the fuck is this dog doing?*
And finally, I understand what's happening:
"Uuh. Oh, he-hey man can you get your dog?."
"Hey, I need some help."
*Oh, shit*
It was like she chewing my leg and twisting like a shark. I start yanking back and try to run away. This is when my pants shredded and I got away and jumped on the neighbors car to get over the fence. I was shaking and really confused again.
Another one of the neighbors saw what happened.
"Did she bite you?!"
"Uh... ya, she did."
"Oh my God, are okay?"
"Ya, she just destroyed my pants." I run over to show her my leg and we see white skin (I'm black), and see like 13 bloody holes on top of my leg.
"Oh my God! Are you going to be okay?"
"Ya... I have a first aid kit in my truck."
So she left and I got the first aid kit and wiped my leg with alcohol swabs and put some antibacterial gel on it. I find out that she got me on the back of my leg too. During this time, the brother runs out and asks if I'm okay and hands me a phone with my friend. The guy apologized profusely. He was late because he was at an interview.
I ask him how it went and he feels good about it, so that's good. He's going to buy a new pair of pants and give me some free bud this week. He told me to go in the house and wait, and I said I'd rather bake in my truck than go near that door again.
So I bake. It was a hot day, today. I chronicle the whole encounter in my journal and his brother comes out again to give me some water.
My friend pulls up ten minutes later and scares the shit out of me because I'm so engrossed in writing and the adrenaline had started wearing off and I was writing to keep the pain off my mind.
"BOO."
I'm done. I meet his girlfriend, get my drugs, tell him my pants size and go home.
I was thinking about it the whole way home and it's still on my mind:
*I can't believe I got bit by a dog...*
tl;dr: I gave up on quitting weed and got bit by a dog for it.
Chronicle89: You should probably get a tetanus shot...
Green_Bit: I thought about that, but I'm good on my shots.
Chronicle89: You sure? Id err on the side of caution with bites.
Green_Bit: Ya...
HooliganBeav: Seriously though, even if up on your shots, you still should go get checked.
Green_Bit: I just got back from the hospital with a tetanus booster and a bottle of antibiotics. Better to be safe than sorry.
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1407275613 | 1407884091 | t3_2cq9dw | t5_2to41 | 37 | man_on_hill: TIFU I broke my TV and immediate regret set soon after
I was playing video games and when turned off my PS3, I was still a bit angry so I gave my tv a bit of a tap with my fist (not quite a punch) and this was the first time I ever touched my tv screen. The result was immediate regret and to think I could have avoided this all if I went to bed a minute earlier. I hate myself so much right now. Maybe your replies can make me forget my stupid actions for a bit.
datomi: What were you playing? I'm guessing FIFA...
Edit: By the way, try not to hate yourself for it. Sounds like you learned a valuable lesson, at least. I once punched a wall because I got pissed off and I broke a bone in my hand. Now I kick things instead.
OldieButNotMoldy: Next you'll have a broken foot lol
datomi: I try to kick soft things whenever possible
OldieButNotMoldy: Kittens are soft lol jk don't do that.
Charlieap96: Idk. That sounded like a great suggestion. Just saying...
OldieButNotMoldy: I think lambs are softer lol
Charlieap96: But kittens travel further when punted!
OldieButNotMoldy: Baby chicks go even further lol.
Charlieap96: More noise from the kitten plus they have the whole nine lives thing, so if you want another shot at them, they're still alive. You can have a kitten punting contest between you and 8 friends with one kitten!
OldieButNotMoldy: You can get 2 kittens and have 16 friends over, more of a party then. Not that I'd do this I actually have a kitten.
Charlieap96: You may not. No promises here...
OldieButNotMoldy: Lmao when the cops come around I know nuthin.
Charlieap96: Times like this is when you know who your true friends are.
OldieButNotMoldy: I'm too pretty to go to prison lmao
Charlieap96: I'm gonna tell them it was your idea. Next stop, Petco! Having a big party. Need about 5-10 cats
OldieButNotMoldy: That's too expensive you need to find a cat lady and steal some lol. Oh crap there I go again, you are a bad influence ;P
Charlieap96: But then I have to go to Craigslist and find one and I might get murdered or something and it's too much work. Stealing from Petco is much easier.
OldieButNotMoldy: That is true, but they do have cameras at Petsmart.
Charlieap96: Cameras aren't indestructible... Duct tape
OldieButNotMoldy: You better get an inside man, he can spray paint all the cameras. I love duct tape it's very useful for binding people, oh I mean for fixing things.
Charlieap96: I don't need spray paint. Duct tape works just fine. There's multiple purposes for it instead of just the cameras.
OldieButNotMoldy: Spray paint is faster but like you I like duct tape more.
| 23 | 1.608696 | |
1407276124 | 1407276992 | t3_2cqab5 | t5_2to41 | 1 | chillybonesjones: TIFU by making fun of the paraplegic kid in class instead of the professor.
Joestar_: Repost
chillybonesjones: False! This happened to me last November. Although it is certainly possible that something similar has happened to someone else.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1407276332 | 1407289076 | t3_2cqanq | t5_2to41 | 53 | DerpHard: TIFU by almost breaking my wiener in half. [NSFW]
This takes place about a year ago, not today.
Let me start by saying my girlfriend, let's call her Poop, and I are like rabbits. BANG BANG BANG all day, all night. Poop's family loves me and often let me spend the night for days on end.
On one particular night we were going fairly hard. She asks me to be on bottom and I roll over. She straddles me and starts bouncing. Her hips moved like the ocean, swaying to and fro, up and down. At one point I hold her up and thrust several times into her, each one harder than the one before. Poop moans for me, "Oh Derpy! Harder! Faster!" Naturally I oblige and in the heat of the moment I cock back and thrust as hard as I can. In that exact moment, Poop sat up straight, which means when I cocked back, I slipped **out** of her and thrusted back into her... but not **inside** her. We both hear a loud CRACK as I miss. She gasped as she felt me make brutal contact with her pelvis and I reeled back in pain as I knew exactly what had just happened and slowly felt my willy go numb. Poop jumps off of me and profusely apologizes as I curl into a ball and reassure her it's not her fault. After a few minutes, the feeling miraculously comes back and we continue our escapade. We finish and as I pull out of her I feel a sharp pain once again, except this time it felt different. We turn on the light and in the center section of my shaft is an ominous deep purple circle. It only took minutes for the circle to grow entirely around the middle of my shaft. We were sure we had just broken my penis.
It took about a week to heal completely, but we did not break it. Longest week without sex of my life. Also, every time I got an erection during that week of healing it would feel like the scar tissue was tearing...
TL;DR - Rabbit of a girlfriend and I went too hard, almost broke willy in half, subsequent erections for the next week tore scare tissue, didn't matter had sex.
IR444: Sounds like you had a CRACKING time ;)
Long_Dick_Guru: TIFU by making weak ass comment.
IR444: Was a bit of a COCK up
Matanza: No
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1407276422 | 1407305836 | t3_2cqati | t5_2to41 | 578 | Cillen313: TIFU by getting my balls whipped at 4000 rpm
Just a little background. I am a marine gel coat restoration expert. Which mainly consists of wet sanding and running a high speed buffer. On Thursday I had a customer drop off a 25 foot cuddy cabin. There is a ton of oxidation on the boat and needs to be thoroughly wet sanded and buffed. I spent 2 days wet sanding and was finally on the buffing stage. I run a Makita 6000rpm buffer with wool pads (very aggressive). The buffer is very loud and I like to wear ear buds and crank some tunes while I mindlessly buff the fiberglass. Jamming out to some Robin Trower, and buffing a low spot when all of sudden SNAP!!. The ear buds are missing out of my ears and I am on the ground with an incredible searing pain pulsating through out my right testicle. After about 10 min of rolling on the concrete gasping for air, I compos myself enough to get into the bathroom and survey the damage. Upon inspection there is a giant welt on my right testicle;the exact size of the ear bud as well as a 2 inch black and blue line. After icing I go back to my buffer to find that my ear buds are wrapped around the shaft and one of them had exploded on my testicle.
Now I am sitting here, missing out on work and squatting on an ice pack.
TIF: Tried to enjoy my work and exploded my right testicle with my ear buds.
TIL: Run your ear bud cords under your shirt.
Update : Went to the doctors last night and it should be OK. I guess I am going to go ahead and make this NSFW. For those of you that are just dying to know what a welt on a testicle looks like, here ya go.
NSFW - http://imgur.com/a/erJS0. Picture was taken about 20 minutes after the incident.
ScalemateHime: Are you able to go to a doctor about that? I don't have testicles myself so I could be wrong, but that sounds pretty major.
grumpygooch: That could be a problem, you should look into acquiring a pair.
ScalemateHime: I should! Do you think a pair of footballs would do the job, or should I be going for something smaller to start me off?
Cenosyr: I would suggest a medium size pair of steel balls.
Worth5699: Well thats enough reddit tonight...
pugler18: It's never enough for me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
| 7 | 82.571429 | |
1407278050 | 1407284822 | t3_2cqdmg | t5_2to41 | 8 | throw_it_all_away_10: TIFU by reading my boyfriend's old messages.
I know I did a bad thing. I got what I deserved. Also, this is technically a Last Friday IFU, but, I still fucked up just the same. I'm an incredibly insecure person.I was hanging out at my boyfriend's and he left me alone for a really long time because his dad's friend came over. Curiosity got the best of me and I read his Facebook messages. Most of what I read was at least two years old, but I read messages him between him and a girl he worked with. He told me they'd just been friends. Obviously that was a lie. He told her the exact same sweet things he told me. I thought I was imagining things but nope. There were lots of other questionable things too. I feel sick.
TL;DR: Read through boyfriend's old messages. Pandora's Box is accurate.
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP: In all reality though, wouldn't you rather know? This is for the best, I think. It hurts like hell, but if things would have become really serious between you, (I'm not sure where you were in the relationship.) it would hurt worse if you found out later.
throw_it_all_away_10: The conversations were a few months before we started dating. I know I have to talk to him, but I'm scared.
CaptainPeppers: You really dont have to. Not only was it months before you supposedly started dating, you're the one that went through his private shit.
throw_it_all_away_10: He knows I read the messages. He's read mine as well. I'm just going to ask whether the things he said were things he really feels/felt or lines he gives everyone.
CaptainPeppers: From having experienced girlfriends going through my messages and texts, id say you're better off not asking and just dropping it
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1407279263 | 1407362056 | t3_2cqfn2 | t5_2to41 | 13 | 7years_later: TIFU by remembering that I was once technically molested by a BBW.
My gf is taking a woman studies course over the summer and one of her topics to write on was the psychological affects of teen-child abuse. She brought to my attention that a higher rate of males than we realize go through abuse. More often it goes unreported. Our conversation triggered this repressed memory...
'Twas a cold night in December. I was 16 years old, (illegally) working valet at a club my uncle owned. I say illegally because the hours of the club, in which I worked were from 9pm to 2am. Yeah, something, something child labor laws...I was also paid under the table to avoid employee tax fees.
The night started out pretty regular. I was parking cars, surveying the lot, test driving cars around the lot/to the nearest light; you know, regular valet shit. Upon surveying the lot, I saw a clearly inebriated obese black woman leaning against the hood of my uncle's car. As, I walk over to inspect, I thought to myself, "I should just let her chill bc it looks like she is about to puke and I don't want to be anywhere near that technicolor yawn when she decides to blow." But then I thought, if she vomits on my uncle's car, I will get a severe beat down, and/or even fired. I'd at least have to pay for a car wash. Knowing my uncle, he'd make me wash it myself. So I walk up to her and her group of Super BBW friends. Guys, srsly, this was like the "no skinny bitches allowed" clique or something. Or like my mother would say, "they just had a surplus of calories"...right.
At the time I was a skin-and-bone, 6 foot, lanky teenager. So you can understand my hesitation.
I shine my flashlight at them. Upon seeing me, her and her old ass BBW (my age gauge said about early 30s) friends start giggling. The biggest one who was leaning on the car walks up to me and says, "how big is your dick?" I was fucking startled. These were my formative bitch years when I was extremely bashful in nature. Up until that point I had only been to second base (late bloomer). I did not yet know how to react to such straight-forwardness. I kid you not, before I could even think of an applicable answer, she grabs my hand, makes me her feel her breast and reaches down my pants and grabs my dick. I remember the extreme feeling of discomfort. Her ashy man-hands, the texture of burlap. Her eyes, a deep black as she stared at me waiting for a reaction. I was in shock. I couldn't move. She stroked me for about 15 secs and then started laughing. "Oh, you just a little baby," she said. She then drunkenly stumbled away with her Super BBW friends. I, left standing there with a flashlight and half-erect penis.
I didn't know what to think of it really until now. Seven years later.
tl;dr fat bitch shoves hand in my pants and jerks me off in parking lot.
EDIT: grammar and stuff.
[deleted]: Was she really a BBW? Or was she just some hamplanet? A lot of women think BBW means bigger woman, one of the B's means beautiful. Anyways, disgusting.
7years_later: oh god, no she wasn't beautiful.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407281318 | 1407281513 | t3_2cqj0n | t5_2to41 | 4 | kkun: TIFU and caused myself great pain.
Did not have any new razor heads.
Boyfriend told me I could use his electric trimmer to take care of my fuzzy armpits.
Never used electric shaving equipment before, had only seen his shaver that he kept in the medicine cabinet.
Tried to use it, was not very effective, scratched me some, kind of hurt, was ripping some of my fuzzies.
Dressing for gym shortly afterwards, and...
Sprayed my girl's Axe body spray on my pits.
Such pain. Much regret. Very ow.
gigabyteIO: Don't use Axe body spray, that shit is cheap and full of gross stuff; it also smells like vomit mixed with garbage.
kkun: I think the girl stuff smells nice enough. I prefer sprays as opposed to sticks/roll-ons.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407280688 | 1407299266 | t3_2cqhyq | t5_2to41 | 6 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU by following the rules
I live in a subdivision with a pool that's paid for by our HOA dues. On the side of the small, dimly lit, stinking brick building that makes up the bathroom area is a large wooden sign detailing all the rules for proper pool enjoyment. One of the rules is "No underage minors (14 and under) to be in the pool area without a parent/guardian."
As long as I've lived here (13 years), we've had issues with parents sending their underage kids up to the pool unsupervised. Maybe the parents just want to get drunk/stoned in peace. Maybe they just want to keep the kids from hanging around the house going "MOM! I'm boooooored!". Maybe they just want five damn minutes to themselves. Fuck if I know.
It's been explained to us at homeowner meetings in the past that the reason you need to send an adult (or at the very least, an over 18 brother/sister/cousin/whatever) with your kids to the pool is twofold. One, we don't have a lifeguard, only a part time security guard in the evenings and on the weekend. Two, if your underaged child is at the pool by themselves and Gawd forbid something happened, ANY adult in the pool area at the time could be considered liable. The rule exists for the kids' safety and to cover the asses of the adult homeowners.
So this afternoon, after a delicious lunch of a cheese sandwich (for my son) and leftover tuna pasta salad (for me..that shit was delicious. Tuna, bowtie pasta, a little olive oil, a little mayonnaise, black olives, salt, pepper, garlic and green peppers. OMNOMNOM) my son and I headed down to the pool. When we get there, it's deserted except for one kid who can't be more than 10 or 11. I look around for a parent, but there doesn't seem to be one in evidence. Well...maybe he/she is in the bathroom. I get in the pool and start screwing around.
Half an hour goes by.
Me: Excuse me....
Kid: Um..? Yes?
Me: Since you're clearly not here with a parent or other adult, I'm going to have to ask to you to leave.
The kid looks annoyed, but he doesn't give me any lip. He just gets out of the water, grabs his towel and leaves. I felt really bad about asking him to leave but again..if something happened, I didn't want to be held responsible since I'm the only adult in the pool at the time. I didn't give it another thought after that since my son was demanding to play catch with a soft fabric ball.
Within fifteen minutes though, I was really sorry I'd asked that kid to leave. Because he came back...with his mom, who was really pissed off, in tow.
Angry Mom (AM): Who the hell do you think you are?
Me: *blink*
AM: You can't tell my kid to fucking leave if I tell him he can be down here!
Me: Do you mind watching your mouth? Your son isn't old enough to be down here by himself. If something happened, I would be held responsible because I'm the only adult here. I don't want that to happen, so I sent him home.
AM: Fuck you. If I say he can come swimming, he can come swimming, you stupid redneck bitch.
Me: Ma'am...I'd appreciate it if you watched your mouth.
I was still in the water at this point, keeping well away from AM because I was afraid if I got out, she'd start a fight with me.
AM: He's a good fucking swimmer. Fuck you. FUCK YOU!
Me: Ma'am...do I need to call the police? o.O It is against the rules for your son to be here without an adult present. Right now you are being very threatening and I really don't appreciate it. If I have to call the police because I feel like you're going to beat me up, I will. I'd rather not..but I will.
AM: You are so stupid. HE COMES HERE ALL THE TIME BY HIMSELF! He's FUCKING TEN YEARS OLD! HE CAN SWIM!
I face palm. Clearly she hasn't heard a thing I've said. I mutter something vaguely annoyed sounding in Klingon.
AM: What did you say?
Me: Nothing, nothing.
AM: Just so you know, I am best friends with the president of the HOA and I am taking this up with his ass.
Me: Fine.
AM: Good! (boy's name), c'mon let's go. This stupid bitch is being mean. She doesn't want you to swim and have a good fucking time.
AM grabs her son by the arm and drags him out through the gate. As he is dragged off, he stares over his shoulder at me like he wants to kill me. I give him a half-hearted shrug as if to say "Sorry." and go about swimming and playing with my kid.
L3G1T1SM3: Make sure to update us
LadyGrizabella: Will do!
L3G1T1SM3: Great thanks
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407282148 | 1407682415 | t3_2cqka3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | osskicker: TIFU by letting my husband remove a tick from a sensitive body part
I was getting out of the shower and drying off today, and as part of that ritual, I always straighten my nipple rings. As I look down to the right, I see a tick very heartily attached to near the tip of my right nipple.
I call my husband in to help me take it off. His first question was "how did you manage that?" Really? Like I just went outside and flashed mother nature, offering my boobs to her as sustenance. Anyway, he reaches over, I told him to be careful, don't leave the head, etc. He's real gentle then suddenly I feel this ripping burn spreading across my nipple. As I yelp, I look down to see a huge deficit of nip skin and my proud husband holding the tick, who still has said skin in its mouth. Then the blood begins to flow as he burns the bastard fire!
Moral: remove tick yourself.
Tl:Dr - tick on nipple, husband rips off chunk of nip skin with tick
WWLadyDeadpool: Last time I went hiking I was really surprised at how many ticks I found in my bra. Why do they like boobs so much?
mad-n-fla: > Why do they like boobs so much?
I like boobs too, it must be universal.
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: Or you could be a tick.
mad-n-fla: Ticks last longer....
/LOL
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407279843 | 1407336631 | t3_2cqgmc | t5_2to41 | 154 | Janosporn: TIFU by letting my girlfriend walk in on me jerking off.
So my girlfriend has been spending a few days at my house. She went to take a shower and I thought up this great fantasy of her walking in on me jerking off and she would join in and help me finish. I completely spaced and forgot about her while in the act and was surprised when she opened the door. She slammed the door and I just sat there overwhelmed with embarrassment. She grabbed her clothes leaving with a quick remark about letting me "finish up".
Edit: Anyone wondering on a follow up I talked to her about it. The way I was positioned and since I had my phone out she thought I was sending her nudes. We did have sex later. The replies were great.
3rdtimeluck: This shit happens because men would LOVE to walk in on their gf and join in, and foolishly forget men and women are very different.
Tbh if I walked in on my bf doing that I would sit and watch for a bit with intention of learning technique but probably end up bursting out with nervous/embarassed giggles after a couple seconds! I would findit too funny to join in but would probs just go back to the bathroom for a bit to give him time to finish then have a lol about it after.
zer0t3ch: You're a keeper
3rdtimeluck: I hope so~ It seems to me most of the time he is about ready to dump me with some 'you are so sweet and nice and I don't deserve' you shite.
zer0t3ch: I fucking hate when people do that. 3 of my self-conscious exes did that exact same thing.
3rdtimeluck: Can you explain it to me better if you have so much experience?
The only way I can relate is when a guy who comes across as clingy/annoying the whole 'internet nice guy' kinda thing and you can't find a way to tell them to man the fuck up cause its unattractive so use the 'you're a nice guy' 'you are such a sweet person' to masque the 'I am uninterested in you loser but it makes me feel a bitch to just come out with it'
Which ends up me not understanding why he hasn't just dumped me, so I get more insecure and as such exhibit clingy annoying shit then it gets worse.
Haha so when I guy says 'you are a sweet girl' does it mean 'fuck off loser' or something else?
zer0t3ch: I think it means that more often than not when a girl says it to a guy, but the alternative explanation - which applies to both - is low self-worth stemming from self-esteem issues.
3rdtimeluck: So there is a chance he actually feels inadequate rather than just trying to nicely put me off? I live in hope haha
zer0t3ch: I suspect at least a bit of both.
3rdtimeluck: thanks for the insight random internet man
tehrand0mz: IF this really bothers you, maybe you should talk to him about it directly instead of trying to interpret meaning from what he says. Communication is key, don't beat around the bush or allow him to beat around the bush or you'll both be misled and disappointed.
3rdtimeluck: oh I have and intend to ask him more at the right moment but was bored on the internet and fancied a random conversation
| 12 | 12.833333 | |
1407284079 | 1407351766 | t3_2cqnc0 | t5_2to41 | 212 | EthanXD: TIFU by masturbating with dish soap.
After recently finding this sub-reddit and basking in everyone's fuck ups and stupidity I was struck back with the horrid memory of when I masturbated with dish soap.
Lets take it back to when we were all young just starting out teenagers. Horny and experimental at our new found sexual adventures. Mom and Dad are out of the house, of course you don't have a girlfriend, so the next best thing is to masturbate until your arms or dick falls off. Well washing my hands one evening I realized dish soap is very slippery and well "that will feel good on my dick." I proceed to go in the shower and do the deed. No harm done, it worked perfectly.
This goes on for roughly a week straight with amazing results...up until I felt this horrible burning sensation. It looked as if I tried to jack off with sandpaper my penis was so red, straight on lobster dick. I decided it would be best to give it a couple days to rest and recover. The next day I wake up and my penis and balls are peeling. Like a fucking shedding snake, think of your worst sun burn peel, combined with a horrible burning-itchy sensation. Of course I have school so you can imagine how the next few days of awkward middle-school went with a peeling, itchy dick from hell was.
TL;DR Masturbating with Dish soap will give you shedding itchy lobster dick for a week.
XoxoJulieAnn: Once I saw this, I knew what had happened. I was cringing the entire story.
Dish soap gives you dry skin. It literally dries it out to the point it peels (which is what you are experiencing) I would definitely recommend trying lotion on that area. That's what I use for my hands after I wash dishes.
johnnythornton: I say go a step further and got straight for Vaseline.
XoxoJulieAnn: That's a really good idea. Vaseline doesn't create any irritation for most people since it's hypoallergenic. It's really good for dry skin because it traps in moisture so well. It would probably best to apply it after a shower.
johnnythornton: And you can use it as lube for next time.
XoxoJulieAnn: It's good for chapstick too and soothing your skin after shaving.
Vaseline is pretty magical.
| 6 | 35.333333 | |
1407284053 | 1407312387 | t3_2cqnax | t5_2to41 | 19 | SheZowRaisedByWolves: TIFU by buying my crush a hat
Like most of these fuck ups, this happened a while back.
The setting is eighth grade year of middle school. I was 6' 1'' and ripped as fuck (4' 10'' and flabby as fuck) and on my way back from a band UIL competition. To celebrate our good performance, our band directors took us to the mall.
This was my chance.
My chance to finally ask out my asian crush (this will be important for later) who we will call Gwen.
The idea was already formed well in my head. I was going to get a hat custom made for her with her name on it.
Bitches love custom made hats with their name on it.
Since none of my friends were in band, I was a lone wolf on this mission.
I made my way across the mall this hat making kiosk while everyone else ate lunch/ventured about. I slapped down my $40 and waited for my love's hat to be made. This was back in the day before smartphones, so I stood at the kiosk and looked around at random things and people. But as I was waiting, a group of kids walked by.
"Oh my god! Is he really getting the hat made? What a loser!"
The crowd of prepubescent berated me with laughter as they made their way into Zumiez. Little did I know that that was a warning to stop doing what I was about to do. Holding back my tears, I waited for that to be done.
Fast forward forty minutes.
The hat was done.
It was perfect.
The hat was a green baseball hat with an orange font of this: http://www.findembassy.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/tattoo-font-601838.jpg spelling "Gwen".
By this time, it was time to go.
I sat eagerly in the middle of the bus waiting to get back to school. The thoughts of what could be kept flooding my head.
We arrived back at school at 6:30.
Everyone congregated to the band hall to get our stuff and leave. I found Gwen near the practice room and gracefully and confidently approached her (actually I looked more like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_u6Tt3PqIfQ (1:54)).
"Hey, Gwen."
"Oh, hey SheZowRasiedByWolves!"
"I got his for you. Will you go out with m-me?", I said while handing her the hat.
Her face went from joy to oh.
But not the OH WOW oh. The "whaaat the fuuuck..." oh.
"Oh...my...is that my name?"
"Yeah! I knew you'd like it!"
"Uh, yeah. I do but this doesn't fit. It's not my size, sorry.", She said while walking hurriedly away.
It was a one size fits all.
I was crushed.
All I felt was depression.
I ended up giving the hat to one of my friends when I told him what happened.
"Oh shit! That sucks, man! What a bitch!" were his words.
It was only until today that my friend brought it up for the first time in five years.
I now see that I did the most cringiest shit I have ever known.
Why didn't I listen when they laughed?
TL;DR: Bought my crush a creepy unintentionally racist hat as a form of asking her out. She denied the hat and now according to my friend's hat, his name is Gwen.
MuffinPuff: I think what you did was really cute. I'll be the first one to admit that teenage girls are weird (and many go on to be adults with the same mentality), but what you did was really sweet. I would have taken the hat even if it didn't fit, just to have it. Because it was *mine*.
Omnipotence456: ...it did fit, she just didn't like it.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1407284632 | 1407343400 | t3_2cqo92 | t5_2to41 | 667 | [deleted]: TIFU by failing to explain my toiletries and their various functions to my girlfriend's sister.
Like many stories around here, this didn't happen today. This "fuck up" has actually been taking place for almost two months. It was just yesterday that I found out how I had been fucking up. It involves my girlfriend's sister, warm weather, and a particular product which I use in a particular way. Here is the story:
I reside in a certain city in New York State. My domecile is a relatively modest two-bedroom, 1.5 bathroom apartment on the fifth floor of a 19th century building. The extra bedroom is my "man cave" where I watch my manly shows like Gilmore Girls and Spartacus: Blood and Semen (it's where I jerk off). The smaller bathroom is used mainly by guests (I jerk off there, too). The main bathroom with the lone shower is just off the larger of the two bedrooms. I share this space with my wonderful girlfriend and even more wonderful [chihuahua/corgi; Loco.](http://i.imgur.com/O3hXttm.jpg) One contributes with the bills. Both shed like crazy.
Before moving in, I was told this apartment has a lot of "character." Evidentally, this was rental agent speak for "the plumbing amplifies and transmits sound quite well, so everyone in the building can hear everyone else in the building pooping and there is also a stank beneath the carpets which won't come out."
But the fifth floor view overlooking the park was magnificent and the area was vibrant and friendly. This played a role in my signing the lease for the place almost as much as the six Long Island Iced Teas I had in a nearby bar while considering all my options.
The three of us have lived there for almost three years now. Despite the elevator in the building having been around since the days when FDR could still do jumping jacks, not to mention the fact that there is a rather large family of squirrels living in our walls The Borrowers-style, we have really grown to love the place. It may be old and stinky and filled with the sounds of people pooping, but it is our home.
Recently, we have been blessed with a new member to our household; my girlfriend's older sister, Kayla (not her real name). Kayla recently broke up with her boyfriend. At four and a half months, this had been her longest relationship ever. She once told us how serious she was about settling down with him. They had been contemplating things like marriage and children and matching neck tattoos. But their love was not to be.
After a disagreement about who gave herpes to whom devolved into an all out screaming match in which insults and accusations were hurled like little people at a dwarf-tossing exhibition, the two young lovers decided their paths in life no longer ran paralell to one another. His was to follow around the Dave Matthews Band on tour. Kayla's was apparently to move in with us and live on the couch in the extra bedroom, effectively cutting my jerk off spots in half. But she was family (kind of), so of course I didn't mind.
Living with Kayla has been so great. I watch less TV (because she is using it to watch marathons of Cougartown and Real Housewives of New Jersey). I've lost weight (because she eats all my snack foods without replacing them). I jerk off way less (they'll get suspicious if I keep using the extra bathroom all the time). I meet all sorts of interesting new people (like Tom, the guy I met in my living room at 3am one morning; he shook my hand with the one he hadn't just been using to finger Kayla with, which I thought was a classy move). My girlfriend and I have more sex (because I don't jerk off as much), though I last only about half as long each time (again, I'm not jerking off nearly enough).
Heck, even her lackadaisical habits regarding her tampon disposal have turned out for the better. She does this thing where she leaves them where Loco can get ahold of them. He really enjoys those things. I think he may have even developed a taste for human blood. That will really come in handy if I ever need to hunt any wounded humans.
As for my fuck up, it is safe to say that it transpired because of this living arrangement as well as my disregard for the lack of knowledge that some women have about male grooming and maintenance habits. You see, Kayla had been mostly using that larger bathroom off the bedroom where my girlfriend and I slept. There were never any conflicts regarding usage of this bathroom due to the fact that Kayla did not have a job, therefore she had little reason to get up before noon. Also, as close as I can figure, she only showered every third day.
When she did shower, she generally used the toiletries her sister left in that bathroom (we did buy her a toothbrush and her own loofah). These toiletries included body wash, shampoo, conditioner, and lotion. It did not include antiperspirant.
You see, Kayla had a problem with sweating. Despite all the advancements made in women's antiperspirant technology in recent years, she insisted on using products designed for men. This meant she was using my Old Spice. That was fine. I bought an extra one and kept it under the bathroom sink so she would have the first one all to herself. Living in such a small place is about compromise.
Last night, Kayla has a date. The young man was to pick her up around 7:00pm. I assumed she really liked this guy since she started cleaning her undercarriage three hours before he was due to arrive.
An hour beforehand, she comes out of the bathroom to show us the dress she chose. It was pretty short but at least everyone would know she was in fact wearing underwear and not going out like a 12th century Scotsman. We told her she looked great. She said she was worried about sweating even more than she usually was because the dress only had spaghetti straps, which left her pits exposed. Obviously, more of my Old Spice was needed. After retrieving it, she maniacally applied it to under her arms while walking around the apartment. That's when my girlfriend spotted my fuck up.
"Kayla! What the hell are you using?"
"Uh, antiperspirant. What does it look like?"
'Let me see that!" she screamed, snatching the thing away from Kayla.
I couldn't imagine what was wrong. I mean, my giirlfriend totally knew that her sister had been using my Old Spice. So why was she freaking out?
"Sweetheart, what is going on?" I asked.
She showed me what Kayla had been applying to her armpits. My Old Spice was in a bright red container, but the thing in front of me was a yellowish color with a red top.
"Uhhh..."
I had no words. At this point, Kayla was now freaking out, too. She began demanding an explanation. With both my girlfriend and I speechless, Kayla took the "antiperspirant" back, then read what it said.
"'Gold Bond Friction Defense.' This is deodorant or antiperspirant, right?" she asked us, puzzled.
"Um..not exactly," I responded, a believable lie failing to come to me in that moment.
She frantically perused the rest of the label. After reading phrases like "soothes irritated skin" and "reduces friction" over and over, it finally dawned on her.
"Oh my god...*you use this on your balls, don't you?*"
"Well..."
I just kind of stared at her with my mouth open a little. How was I supposed to tell her that sometimes the hot weather gives my groin region a tropical climate full of moisture and humidity and I have to use this product to prevent rubbing between my inner leg and ballsack? How do I tell her this spot will get irritated if I don't? How do I tell her that she has effectively been applying my scrotum to her armpits for several weeks now? I couldn't. She threw the Gold Bond at me and stormed out of the apartment, pausing only to grab her purse and cell phone.
I really fucked up. She has yet to come back to my apartment and return to a life of eating my food, watching my TV, and preventing me from jerking off. I don't know what I am going to do. Except jerk off. I am certain I am about to do that.
Tl;Dr Girlfriend's sister moved in. She "shared" some of my toiletries, including a product that looks like antiperspirant/deodorant, but is in fact used to prevent my scrotum from rubbing on my leg when it's hot outside. She was not happy about it.
Edit: [Picture of what the ballsack relief stuff looks like](http://i.imgur.com/yDphgtQ.jpg) (dog for scale).
xingxing2468: Your dog is adorable!! Is it bad that this was my top priority?
_vargas_: Of course not.
Your name - are you a panda?
xingxing2468: Close- asian
Your_Friend_Syphilis: So that's a yes then?
buddy-bubble: no that means he eats pandas
xingxing2468: She* and yes I'm a cannibal
| 7 | 95.285714 | |
1407278065 | 1407285569 | t3_2cqdnl | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping a wine carboy on my foot then waiting in emergency for two and a half hours.
I was cleaning my glass wine carboy and managed to lose hold of it and drop it on my foot. Between cleaning up all the water and bleeding all over the place I realized I should probably deal with gaping wound.
Before: http://imgur.com/qkXvVN4
After: http://imgur.com/Xo1zp8x
moltingbird: I know someone whos buying better bottles from now on.....
For real ive always been scared of dropping a carboy, at least it was empty
[deleted]: Definetely buying plastic from now on.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407287010 | 1407473286 | t3_2cqs13 | t5_2to41 | 3,118 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my sister unbox my new fleshlight for me (NSFW)
deleted
Anzai: Serious question. What exactly is the appeal of a fleshlight? I mean, I like vaginas as much as the next guy, but a plastic vagina on a tube, how is that particularly different from just using your hand?
rspender: because it's not plastic. it feels near like the real thing. what better feeling is their on the planet to PIV? if u don't have a real vagina on hand, bust out the fleshlight!
I don't actually have a genuine one, its a bit pricey, but I have a cheap knockoff and with some lube it feels amazing.
Anzai: It might feel like the real thing, but the way you, ahem, fuck it, does not. It's a dismembered vagina, it's got no weight behind it. It's just a little vagina shaped friction tube.
rspender: Don't fuck it up for me dude! 90% of sex is in your head. If I can suspend reality for a few minutes while "fucking" the myfreecam girl with my fake vagina, just fucking leave me alone already !!!
Anzai: Not trying to fuck it up for anyone or say it's weird or anything. I just genuinely don't understand it, that's all. Fuck away! I have a pretty low libido anyway, so that's probably got a lot to do with it.
rspender: are you on SSRIs at all? I recently stopped mine and haven't been able to stop wanking like a desperate teenager. It's quite fun actually, but the horny spike is tapering off now... lol
Anzai: No. I actually had to google that to see what it was. I've always just not been very interested. Even when I'm actually having sex I usually get bored and find the whole thing pretty mechanical. I guess I'm not the target audience for a fleshlight!
rspender: Well I'll be damned! I kinda feel really sorry for you. But then again, if u don't know what your missing....
But damn! I really can't comprehend your libido dude. Mind = Blown!
Good luck, treat your woman like a goddess anyway, that's all that matters at the end of the day!
Anzai: I guess it's hard to understand, but I'm not missing anything really. I mean, I have sex occasionally, but I don't really enjoy it. I'm not missing it, it's just not really my thing.
I feel sorry for some of my friends who have excessively high libidos sometimes. Most are well adjusted or whatever, but I have a couple who just want sex all the time, and are depressed and frustrated when they can't get it. It makes them a hell of a lot unhappier than it makes me, I can tell you that much.
rspender: Try asking your doctor for a testosterone regime? I mean purely to see how it works for most guys!
Haha, I've read accounts of females going through gender re-assignment, and suddenly being turned into fucking perverts when on testosterone. They don't have all those teenage dirtbag years to deal with it and it hits them like a brick!
Anzai: Well I did go through that teenage thing. I mean, I'm not asexual or anything. It's just that I'm 34 now. I guess I just came to realise that there's more to life than friction and nerve endings.
| 12 | 259.833333 | |
1407288699 | 1407352970 | t3_2cqunp | t5_2to41 | 109 | TIFUBestbuy: TIFU By trying an "Un-ethical" lifehack I saw on the "Un-ethical" lifehack thread.
So a while ago there was a thread on Askreddit about your most unethical lifehacks.
Basically, I won't say what it was, but it involves going into BestBuy with a dud receipt.
In my head I have no idea why, seeing amount of upvotes "This is a great idea!" They say hindsight is 20/20, but looking back at it I feel like "No fucking shit this was a bad idea".
I did it once on a small item, and it was successful. Tried it again on a microphone, successful. Encouraged, I try it agian.
This time I tried it again on some gaming mouse I've always wanted.
Unfortunately, as soon as I grabbed it off the shelf, I knew something was off. An employee started following me, I was thinking of bailing, but began making small talk with her (I'm sure I accidentally gave away some info about my job, double fucked up).
Still I thought "it worked the first two times!!". And went through with it.
Of course the Dud receipt didn't work, things were taking longer than last time. They were suspicious. The cashier goes to the back, and is taking forever.
Working at best buy before, I recognized "Oh my fuck they are checking the cameras". Girl I talked to earlier comes out, asks why I'm returning something she just saw me "buy".
At this point I forget what I say, but they know.
I talk the manager, a little more, she finaly says "I'll be honest, we can escalate this and call the cops. You're trying to scam us and I'm not accepting that".
Now they have me on camera, as well as this girl will probably find out who I am by googling what I told her.
I kind of joked around with her a minute and said "WELL, can I still at least buy the mouse" and I did. With credit card.
Now I'm worried if they figure THAT out, they can find out who I am by possibly looking at past purchases or what not, and realizing (oh shit this happened at another store) and have cops show up the next day because they realize "oh, this wasn't even a one time thing. We lost a lot of money on multiple stores."
They let me go, shaken I went to eat at a fast food place. Coincidentally one of the employees from the Best Buy come in 10 minutes later for lunch. I hang my head in deep shame, not making eye contact.
So. What did we learn besides the obvious?
Just because it's on reddit, upvoted into the thousands, doesn't mean it's a good idea.
This could've gotten much, much worse, I was lucky that it only resulted a tiny slap on the wrist for me.
In hindsight, yes, this was dumb thing to try. But I justified, as well as some of the redditors on that thread "Best Buy are the real scammers!" Well, newsflash, opinion doesn't matter. A scam is still a scam.
It didn't even hit me until the manager said "You're trying to scam us".
I don't know how I could be so blind, what was I thinking? Jesus. I tried to pull a scam, and didn't even realize it or think of the repercussions it would've had.
Anyway, here's a warning to those that think about trying one of those "unethical life hacks". I know I'm not alone in this, and possibly many people will try them or think about trying them.
Don't. It's not worth it. It might've resulted in me getting kicked out, but it could end a lot worse for you. And I know I'm not the only tempted to try one.
Now hopefully I won't get a police surprise tomorrow.
EDIT: Shit got worse. Because I was held back so long at BestBuy, I ended up being late to meet my girlfriend which resulted in an argument and has now broken up with me. So....fuck.
**TLDR: Tried an Unethical hack, and if the girl I talked to googled what I told her about, she'll most likely find out who I am at my job and ruin my career/business. I'm a fucking idiot, and I'm lucky that it didn't escalate further.**
cheekylittleduck: There was another guy who trusted reddit and ended up shitting all over his mothers bathroom.
TIL don't trust reddit.
trampabroad: Link?
K4ylan: I'm too lazy to find the link, but the problem was with the person, not the tip.
Reddit has a fascination with pooping, and a tip that is commonly thrown around is that you should elevate you legs when dropping deuces, as it allows the logs to tumble freely down the hill. Usually this is done by resting your feet on a stool while you do the doo. Some dumbass on TIFU decided the best way to accomplish this was instead to rest his feet on the toilet seat while squatting like a gargoyle over the bowl. Inevitably he fell, unloading El Niño all over the restroom.
i_go_to_uri: > like a gargoyle
| 5 | 21.8 | |
1407284465 | 1407622122 | t3_2cqnxb | t5_2to41 | 14 | LeSpy2: TIFU by unintentionally exposing my boss' 3 year old daughter to the circle of life.
I work at a horse barn and the sparrows are literally a plague. We've managed to oust a lot of them once we bought a BB gun, as it's helping rid us of birds and allowing us to take out some stress on the feathered shits.
So we've got the horses ridden, and we're (My boss, his daughter, and my co worker) sitting around bullshitting, like the usual. I see this little sparrow feebly fly towards the wall and cling to the wall for dear life. So, seeing an opportunity, I jump up from my seat, and go fetch this little thing. I reach up on the wall and cup it into a hand, and a momma bird tries to dive bomb me but I retrieve the bird, and excited that I caught one I go show the boss' kid.
She's a cute girl, and she's aww'ing over the 'baby' bird, and petting it's head and whatnot. Alright, time to set this bird free so he can go fly up to the rafter with his noisy-ass mother. Go to the indoor arena with the kid and I open my hands, and the little bird takes off, and struggles to get some height. And then the fuckup.
Coworkers puppy (8 month old I think) sees the fluttery thing, and takes off after it, jumps, and catches the bird. It squeaked as the pup's jaws closed on it.
The little girl standing beside me gasped, hands over her mouth. Boss and coworker started busting a gut, but I felt terrible.
**TLDR: Caught a baby bird in the barn, showed it to boss' kid, and set it free again, and coworkers dog catches it in mid flight and kills it.**
JimDixon: This may be useful:
http://www.humanesociety.org/animals/sparrows/tips/solving_problems_sparrows.html
LeSpy2: > http://www.humanesociety.org/animals/sparrows/tips/solving_problems_sparrows.html
Thanks but no thanks. I do not support them.
JimDixon: Wait! The article is not about supporting them; it's about getting rid of them!
LeSpy2: No, I get that. If the Humane Society will actually DO what everyone else THINKS they are doing in the first place, then I'll take their advice.
I DO appreciate your help though. ;)
TomFoolCape: I really hope you didn't just imply that the humane society is some kind of crazy conspiracy because if you did you probably just imagined the bird from drugs and your boss is probably the little girl.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1407290631 | 1407291488 | t3_2cqxok | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by not pulling out because of a birth control misunderstanding (NSFW)
A few days ago I began to talk to a girl. We hit it off pretty well and this was great because it was about six months since I had anyone who was interested in me in a romantic way. A few days go by and we hang out, it goes well so we decide that we want to see each other again. She comes over and this time there is no messing about. We begin to make out heavily and start to grind on each other. It had been months since the last time I had sex so I was eager to get on with it, but I remembered that I no longer had condoms so I asked her if she was on the pill and I cant quite remember what she said but it was along the lines of yes, but I am due for a check up. I took this as yes I am on the pill so there is no need for any other type of BC. We go on with the deed and about ten minutes pass and I can't help but be greedy after so long. I begin to thrust more vigorously and don't pull out. It takes her a moment to realize what has happened and she begins to panic. She explains to me that she has been off of birth control for three weeks. I try to keep my calm and devise a plan. She had to go early in the morning to we would have to wait until the afternoon to purchase Plan B. I ended up getting it to her about 14-16 hours after the event. I am still totally freaked out though because I know that Plan B is not 100 percent effective. I am 18 and she is 19 so we are basically fucked.
badbluemoon: >I am 18 and she is 19 so we are basically fucked.
Oh, calm down, you very well might not be. When was her last period?
Plan B might not be 100% effective, but it's still pretty effective.
I'm more concerned that you two had sex without protection after just a few days -- STDs would worry me more than pregnancy, in this case.
TheThingsIThink: I'm sure they each conducted The Sniff Test
EnigmaticAmarok: Scratch and sniff test?
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1407293975 | 1407341786 | t3_2cr2w5 | t5_2to41 | 422 | boobilibear: TIFU Going out for a booty call
So, first-time poster on Reddit, I've been lurking around for a while but I never had anything worth posting until now. This happened tonight about an hour ago.
So a little background information. About a week and a half ago I meet this girl at work, we work in different offices and haven't run into each other before now. At first I kind of glazed over her, she was pretty but seemed otherwise uninteresting. However, circumstances threw us together and over the next few days I fell completely in love with her. You might think this is a little strange but let me explain. If I wrote down a list of all the things I wanted in a woman, to the most minute detail, and submitted them to God, she would be the product he blessed me with. She added to the list I wrote. Gorgeous, hilariously funny, intelligent, educated, fit, an ass for days, and for some ungodly reason was extremely flirty with me. By the end of the week I quite literally prayed to God in thanks for helping me find the future mother of my children. I would come home everyday glowing with excitement, I couldn't eat or sleep, colors were brighter, and smells sharper (not always in a good way). This was/is the love of my life. This was my romantic comedy.
Although I'm not in anyway the most forward of individuals, I took a chance that weekend and asked her out. Unsurprisingly, she rejected me and friend-zoned me into the dust. I consider myself a moderately good-looking, cool person, but considering how perfect she is, I wasn't really all that surprised that fate had decided to lead me on and bend me over a barrel later. Like the friend-zoned loser I am, I re-invited her to hang out "just as friends" and was turned down a second time. At this point I'm at an all time low in self confidence. I am every friend zone meme ever posted.
Fast forward to today, where I am sitting on my couch with a my best-friend/roommate complaining about my total lack of a love life. He isn't very interested and seems more concerned about upgrading his phone and asks to look at mine to compare. I let him and think nothing of it. About 30 minutes later, amidst discussing my rejection of the friend zone and how I am better than this, I get a text from the aforementioned love of my life saying she would like to hang out. Rather than going to the movies as I had originally suggested, she claimed to want to stay-in, order food, and watch a movie from Red Box. The conversation went something like this:
Her: Had a really long day and I just feel burned out and need a friend.
Me: What can I do?
Her: Are you good with your hands?
Me: In regards to what? (She had previously been quite adamant that we were just friends.) Do you need a light bulb changed or something?
Her: Never mind, this is stupid.
Me: What is it?
Her: I need a back rub, I just want to order in and watch a movie.
Me: In that case I am amazing with my hands. What kind of movie? Do you want me to grab food on the way?
Her: That would be great. Pizza with pepperoni and green peppers. You pick the movie.
Me: No problem.
Her: And remember this doesn't mean anything, we are just friends.
Although I initially intended to stick to my guns and hold out, my roommate encouraged me to go as this could be the opportunity I was looking for with her. Needless to say that was the fastest I have ever ran or driven.
While desperately looking for a RedBox, I get a second barrage of texts from this girl.
Her: It's late, forget the movie. Just bring the pizza.
Me: Okay. (At this point I am flying down the highway)
Her: Oh no, I haven't shaven my legs or anything really.
Me: (Trying to play this off because now I no longer know if this is a booty call or me drinking the friend zone koolaid) What kind of guy do you think I am? I am just heading over, eating pizza, hanging out, listening about how your day went, and then jetting. (I hate myself so much.)
Her: No... you don't understand at all.
Me: (Now thinking its a booty call for sure) No I know what this is.
Her: No I am going to bed.
Her: You there?
Her: I'm sorry I'm acting so moody, just call me when you have the pizza.
At this point, the pizza is ordered and waiting to be picked up from a place near her house and I am about five minutes away. So I pull up to the pizza joint and as I walk in:
Her: Hey did you get the pizza? Call me when you have it. Also, this is weird and I sorry but did you bring any condoms.
Me: Shit, I am at the pizza place. I will go get some.
Her: Lol that is a weird place to get condoms.
Me: Haha I will just use the plastic wrap they use for the ingredients. (Now I really think I am getting laid)
Her: If you don't have condoms the just bring pizza, we'll do it some other night.
I get the pizza, tip well (I'm getting laid), and run out to my car. As I get ready to take off, a random stranger asks if the pizza place is still open. (It wasn't) Before he goes, in my complete desperation, I ask if he has any condoms in the car and state that he can save a life and prevent a possible abortion. He didn't have any. Dismayed but preparing myself to settle for just pulling out early I drive to her apartment.
This is the kicker, the moment you've all been waiting for, I make the phone call and you won't believe who answered (or maybe you have due to foreshadowing). My best friend answers the phone:
Him: Hey man don't kill me but did you get the pizza?
Me: *Dead silence as I realize what just happened and am stewing in rage*
Him: So if you could just drive back to the house and give me the pizza and I will go sleep in a hotel room tonight. (He is now laughing so hard I can hear him crying)
Me: I hate you. You owe me a pizza. I hate you so much.
So now, in complete and utter shame, I drive home, do nothing to the pizza at all, walk in and tell him to choke on it. He is still laughing. He is still laughing as I type. I have decided to rate him as the greatest asshole of the millennium, trumping Hitler, Stalin, and Vlad the Impaler. He knew the depths of my emotion for this girl, had been offering helpful advice and moral support, and wing manned me like a bad ass. Still, in a moment of utter and incomparable evil, he pranked me like lowest piece of shit on the planet. He was literally sitting right next to me, texted me while pretending to be her, and giggling while I was totally unsuspecting. Fuck my life.
TL;DR : Thought that the love of my life was calling me over for sex, was really my best friend trying to score a free pizza.
GoodRubik: Honestly there's pranks and there's this shit. And you're absolutely a dick for giving him the pizza.
He literally got everything he wanted out of this at your expense.
Time to look for another place to live.
pslszg: Someone's never had a best friend.
GoodRubik: Bullshit. There's pranks and there's this shit. Would you consider this fun?
boobilibear: Look, I totally agree this was shitty on his part. But the only damage he really did was out me a few bucks for gas and a medium pizza. Momentary emotional distress aside, this made me realize how desperate I've been acting. I realized this was funny about halfway back to my house, and that it was hilarious by this morning. Easily within the top ten funniest stories I have, next to almost being gangbanged in a dirty shower in Afghanistan and being propositioned by a male prostitute in an equally but different locker room. Overall, 45 minutes of panic and ten minutes of anger is worth a good story.
dvaunr: >next to almost being gangbanged in a dirty shower in Afghanistan and being propositioned by a male prostitute in an equally but different locker room
wut
HurricanSam: That escalated really quickly.
| 7 | 60.285714 | |
1407295021 | 1407350624 | t3_2cr4hh | t5_2to41 | 122 | officer_doofyz: TIFU by sticking my dick in the vacuum cleaner. [NSFW]
This did not occur today, but about 13 years ago when I was just a young lad in middle school. I was starting to get aroused with the thought of having sex and often masturbated frequently (still do). I remember watching the first Scary Movie film, where the retarded character Doofy is caught masturbating by putting his wiener into the long metal tube of the vacuum. Fed up with never being with a girl, I figured this would be the closest feeling to a blowjob, I mean its going to be sucking me and I'm sure it would feel the same, so what's the difference right? I could even blow my load into it and nobody would ever know. I waited one afternoon when my parents were gone, probably grocery shopping or something. I plugged my new muse in, dropped my trousers, and turned it on. I did that test you do with your palm against it, you know, to see if the suction is working properly, and it was. I stuck my little Peter closer, and due to the noise of the vacuum, probably didn't hear its screams for mercy. I shoved it in and the full force of the vacuum was stuck to my surrounding pubic area. It was stuck there pretty good and wouldn't budge when I tried pulling it free. I started panicking, and turned it off probably 30 seconds in. I tugged the metal pipe free and witnessed in horror the dark inflamed skin, looking like a big bruise. I put the vacuum away and never spoke of it to anyone.
*TLDR; I gave myself a giant hickey on my dick with the vacuum.
EnglishFerret: Thanks to your curiosity I don't have to try it!
tobobo36: Going to be super honest and say that I'll probably still try it.
8BitPoro: Been there done that. Didn't get a hickey, you're doing it wrong mate
xluminosityx: The trick is don't use metal. Use a plastic hose.
8BitPoro: This
| 6 | 20.333333 | |
1407296017 | 1407303785 | t3_2cr601 | t5_2to41 | 11 | KingsGame: TIFU by not showing up to work
I had last worked Saturday. Me and my coworkers were all gathered around the schedule looking at our hours for when half the restaurant staff will be working at the state fair. (I work in an Italian restaurant) Today, Tuesday, my fiancee asked me 15 minutes before work if I was sure I didn't work today.
I was. I was completely sure that I did not work today as my shift had been consistently wed, fri, saturday.
My fiancee came home later that night telling me how I was on the schedule, and because I was missing everything at work was backed up. We had a huge unprecedented Tuesday rush and everyone I worked with had gotten screwed over because I didn't properly check my schedule.
I go back in to work tomorrow and have to face everybody. I'm working everyday with them until the seventeenth and I just feel so upset. I hate letting people down, letting my boss down. I'm going to get yelled at. I'm going to feel more like shit. And I hate it.
[deleted]: Why didn't the bitch just call you so you could go in since she obviously works there?
KingsGame: She said she couldn't call me since she was working at the time.
blackgeorgewallace: Yeah I call bullshit. Any restaurant I've ever worked would've done the same thing, "Um where the fuck is Joe has anyone heard from him?"
"I have! He thought he was off today."
"Fucking call his ass and tell him the get the fuck up here."
KingsGame: Its real man. Idk what you want. I hardly ever post things so it ain't for karma. Nothing I'm trying to get out of this other than some sympathy.
blackgeorgewallace: I just don't understand why your fiancé wouldn't immediately go take a piss and text you. I've done the same for coworkers I couldn't give a shit about.
KingsGame: Apparently she didn't know I was supposed to be in today till after the rush. She works upstairs as a waitress and I work down in the kitchen. Even when she found out around 8 it didn't register I guess. Idk man. Sometimes people don't think. Hence this subreddit.
Edit for clarification
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1407306699 | 1407338059 | t3_2cr59u | t5_2to41 | 4 | Znuff: ...then why the fuck bringing it up?
Why get offended?
NLVthrowaway: What? I said I did not like the way his coworkers reacted. It's not my fault if other redditors bring random topics out in response to mine.
aydee123: I feel like the reaction would be different if it was an accidental 9/11 joke to a 9/11 survivor...
NLVthrowaway: Your assumption is wrong. I would still be upset if the coworkers laughed at a 9/11 joke.
RustyKh: But...it wasn't a 9/11 joke. It wasn't even a joke. It meant nothing to the OP but a reference to his microwaving of the hotdog. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people these days. Its like people look for anything to be offended by and make a big deal.
NLVthrowaway: You know, I didn't even expect people to react this way to a simple comment. And if these people wanted to actually debate something they should not have based it all off assumptions. If they didn't like it they should have just down voted the original comment.
| 6 | 0.666667 | |
1407296442 | 1407447610 | t3_2cr6mb | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to work during a drug binge.
This happened years ago but I'm finally clean and feel the need for a PSA so here goes....
I'm working as a server at a small restaurant. Before this day, I had spent an entire night doing cocaine, and contemplated calling in sick. This is the restaurant biz, however, and if everyone called out after a night of cocaine no one would get fed ever again. So I suck it up, and make it to work by lunchtime. Feeling especially jittery and shitty, a coworker recommended I take a Xanax. At that point I would've taken anything just to feel better. So I took two. The lunch shift starts, and of course, we are SLAMMED. I have a specific table of six old women, separate checks. Anyone who has ever worked as a server knows what is next. I distribute the checks, which are all wrong because I'm high as fuck.
"Excuse me, ma'am? There is an iced tea on my bill, I did not have a tea, and Delores has two coffees on hers, and Betty has a chicken salad sandwich on hers but she had the BLT....." So on and so forth, you get the point. So I collect all of the checks, look them over, and throw them back on the table exclaiming "How about y'all fucking figure it out?!?!"
At this point I go full Half Baked, "Fuck you, and fuck you, fuck you especially....oh and fuck this job." I told both of the owners they were cool, because they really were, but instead of leaving I go out back and light a cigarette like I'm on fucking break.
At this point a coworker suggests that, seeing how I just very dramatically quit my job, I might want to think about actually leaving the premises. Valid point, I thought. I'll go by another 8-ball.
So I did. I spent the rest of the day doing that, buying shitty home decor at Dollar General, and I finally got the nerve to ask that cute guy out on a date. He said yes!! (Spoiler alert: he never called for a second date.)
A couple of days later, I explained to my bosses that I had a nervous breakdown or a psychological moment, whatever you want to call it, and I was seeking help. The next week I returned to work at the same place, because restaurant biz.
Moral of the story, kids, drugs are fucking bad.
northvandude: Life Pro Tip: Don't do cocaine, it's expensive, has the shortest high, and ruins mofuckin lives!
neko_loliighoul: Agreed. Fuck that noise. Also it makes me want to get in fights which is super classy.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1407296190 | 1407301560 | t3_2cr69i | t5_2to41 | 10 | penistouches: TIFU by flipping out in a restaurant and throwing a tantrum and getting banned.
I went to a bar / Wings (fairly large franchise) from the East Coast and happened to be with a long time friend and her baby.
The backstory is I've been coming to this place since the 3 weeks the franchise has been opened, spent about $300-400 at the bar over this time. Been a tough week or two with work.
So my and my friend are there, and her baby (1.4 years old) tosses a wing and it lands in a couples plate. The lady stands up and goes full crazy gripe and then says she's going to make us pay for it. So I make no reaction and let my friend deal with the situation. I really can't deal with confrontation after having a very anxious day of interviews and hard work, even though I'm itching to tell this woman off.
I had no idea what "...gonna make you pay for it... I'm going to talk to the manager" meant until the ridiculous happens.
So the manager comes by, assumes it's my baby (understandable) and states I'm going to have to pay for it. It basically became an argument he handled badly of "yes you are" and "no i won't." until I'm yelling and cussing, customers are getting worried, and he's asking me to leave. The lady is coming in behind him and putting verbal stabs (who is this woman?? My focus is on the manager thankfully at this point.) and stuff like "just own up to your mistakes and frigging pay for it" while this is going on. Jesus.
I've just about lost it in anger, my buttons have been pushed; so I tell him here are your options:
- "Recoup a single $30 plate with worthless markup value because of a baby. Food margins suck so enjoy the $5... or"
- "I'm never entering this sorry sack of shit again. You can just abandon a weekly $70-130 alcohol income that recurs seemingly indefinitely with a 15-70% profit margin. I love your draft beer here and want to come back, but can't if this is what cash buys around here."
My love for draft beer alone could see a $4000+tips annual profit at this place (and I know bars enough to know what I'm drinking is a 60% margin based on their distributor costs); and the bar is always empty here.
He said yeah I'm going to have to ask for the plates cost. So I told him to talk to my friend about covering it, it's not my child; but I'm not bringing my business or my friends to this place ever again. I only paid my portion and stormed out. I brought a lot of first business to this place; oh well.
If it was my child; I would have paid by the way. I have no problem for taking personal responsibility for my actions; in fact I take responsibility for being a total dick.
I feel like a lot of restaurants fail simply because they're this stupid. If you can't see an honest mistake and hope your customers enjoy themselves and come back then fuck you. Return business is integral to success of a restaurant and stiffing a regular after 3 weeks of grand opening isn't a good start.
CBinNeverland: The lady who ended up with the wing on her plate needs to chill out. Also, who taught that manager how to interact with customers!? I have worked in food and we **NEVER** would've told someone they had to cover someone else's food. We would've comped the other lady's and asked your friend not to bring the kid back if she (I'm assuming) couldn't watch the child better.
MikeRabsitch: It's understood that you pay for your kid's fuck ups. If a baby vomits on someone's food or knocks a lamp off a store shelf, as a responsible mother/father you own up to it, you don't try to get the business to comp it.
CBinNeverland: Maybe my managers were overly nice people, but that's what they would've done.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407298364 | 1407302370 | t3_2cr9gd | t5_2to41 | 13 | thowaay: TIFU by telling my female housemates that they are meant to get fucked
*I know this is extremely long, but reading the 2nd longer half isn't needed unless you're really interested.*
I'm a 20 y/o college male student living with a mix of girls and 1 guy. I'm only temporarily living here, moving out in less than a week, so I don't know anyone except the guy, lets call him John. Here's the situation.
One night, me, John, 2 girls (let's call them Ashley and Becca), and one of their girl friend are drinking beer and talking. The conversation turns to rape and I say that rape is worse for men than it is for woman since women are meant to be fucked, biologically speaking. I didn't think it was a big deal but everything becomes chaos with everyone talking over each other. John is supporting me. Ashley forces the conversation to end and me and John leave for our rooms. John comes back later to the girls but I don't. Next morning I leave for a 2 week vacation.
Fast forward almost exactly 2 weeks later when I get back. I have to use another bathroom for a day due to a plumbing problem with my regular bathroom in my room and Ashley accuses of leaving the seat up over a group text. I apologize and ask why girls don't look before sitting down. Everyone, except Ashley who doesn't respond, takes that as a rude comment and I get accused of being inconsiderate. Eventually Ashley responds to my question in a calm manner
One of the girls, let's call her Sue, is someone I live with, usually has arguments with John, and was not there the night we were drinking beer. She is the most vocal of them all and says that there are other stuff I have done that annoys her but will not say what. John responds reminding me about that night and acts neutral the whole time. Now Sue and Becca, send several long messages of basically how much I suck whereas Ashley doesn't say anything. Sue even compares me to a rapist since my statement is what rapists use as justification for their actions, says she is scared of me, and leaves the conversation. The whole time, I'm saying that my intent was never to be rude or offensive even though it came off that way.
Later I text John independently and he basically says that everyone always thought me as awkward since I'm usually pretty quiet, my statement pissed them off, I left for 2 weeks and they didn't get to deal with me, my comment about the bathroom just re-angered them, and it doesn't matter because I'm leaving in a week. However, it does matter to me because I hate being on bad terms with people. So several hours later, I sent a long message to everyone involved (see below if interested). A few hours have passed, I came back home, haven't talked to anyone at all, and I hate myself
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***TL;DR:*** Said "Biologically speaking, women are meant to get fucked" to my houesemates and now all the girls hate me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***Message I sent to everyone (Read if interested):***
Read this or don’t. If you do read it, hear me out completely. I'm not writing this to argue, escalate the situation, or to drag on this conversation. Cleary, everyone is mad at me but no one has given me a chance to talk. This is my perspective so that everyone knows both sides of the coin. If you still think I'm an asshole afterwards, fine.
This message is not about my opinion being right or wrong. It’s about not speaking up when you have a problem with someone. This is life. People do stuff and shit gets said, sometimes on purpose and sometimes by mistake. You can’t change that. Since you guys had a problem with what I said, why didn’t anyone address that by talking to me? I only found out about this through John. Since no one said anything, I assumed everyone just shrugged it off and everything was cool. I went on vacation but you could have easily texted me something along the lines of "Hey [ME], I didn't appreciate what you said that night. Would you like to talk about this? Can you tell me what compelled you to say that?” Or if you wanted to talk to me in person. “Hey [ME], I didn’t appreciate what you said that night. Can we talk about this when you get back? Just giving you a heads up.” This is called communication. But since no one did that, I have to resort to writing out this message because at this point I’m sure no one is going to want to hear my side in person. Also, I’m not pointing fingers here, just saying how this situation should have been handled from my viewpoint.
Now I’ll tell you why I said what I said that night. Again, I’m not saying I’m right or wrong or if I should have said it or not. It has been said and this just my personal reasoning behind it. Feel free to skip this next paragraph if you aren’t interested.
The conversation was about whether it was better to get raped or stabbed. At some point, I made the argument that it's relatively better for women to be raped then men. Why? Because women are biologically meant to have sex with men. Their physiology is simply better suited to that for obvious reasons. Now let's consider the man's case. If a man rapes another man, it's going to be a lot more physically painful and traumatizing in my opinion because of biology. You may or may not agree with that but you can definitely agree that biology is different for both sexes. That's why I made the comment that women are meant to get fucked. Not because of male domination, women objectification, or any other bullshit like that. Now when I tried to explain my reasoning that night, no one appeared to be listening since they were all busy obsessing over my statement. That's seemingly the only thing everyone heard before the conversation broke up.
Was I meaning or wanting to be offensive or rude? No, but it seems as if it come off like that and for that I am truly sorry. Should anyone use this as justification for rape and/or sexual assault? Absolutely not! I never said rape isn't traumatizing or painful for women. I'm not a woman, but I'm sure it is terrifying.
As far as today is concerned. I'm sorry the seat was left up, that was entirely my fault since it's not my bathroom. No big deal here anymore, right? I think the argument about my question on looking before you sit stemmed from the anger of what I said the other night. Anyways, if you found that question to be rude, I’m sorry for that too. Again, my intent was not to be rude or insulting.
You may or may not believe me on any or all of this. Why would you when it seems like I'm just trying to save my ass right? If you choose not to believe this and think I'm a dick anyways, so be it. I'm moving out soon anyways. I just hate to be on bad terms with people and that's why I'm taking the time to write this in the hopes you will understand the situation. Like I said above, I would have said this in person, but either you might not have listened or I would have to repeat myself 5 times. If you do believe me and think this was just a misunderstanding, I got no hard feelings against you and I'm willing to be friends. Your choice. Regardless, to put an end to this, I am sorry to everyone I offended.
blackgeorgewallace: *Biologically speaking, they are meant to get fucked*
I'm sorry, I don't actually understand what the fuck that means, so I might need the same amount of clarification as the women who are supposed to be comfortable living with you.
newknuckles: I think what he means is that penis goes into vagina, therefore making rape worse for women...but now I kinda of feel like an asshole too.
thowaay: I mean that a woman's body is designed to have sex with a man. She has a vagina and a man has a penis. A man's body is not designed to have sex with another man. Your butt wasn't designed to take in a penis and many aren't gay (no hate against gays by the way). That's why, speaking strictly in terms of biology, it's much more painful and traumatizing for men to get raped than it is for a woman (assuming a male rapist). Not saying that raping women is good thing, but that it's worse for men in my opinion.
blackgeorgewallace: Holy shit this is a legitimate way of thinking? I am by no means full blown social justice feminist type of person but that is outrageous. No human is emotionally prepared to be penetrated unwillingly, regardless of gender or orifice.
thowaay: I never said rape was good for women, it's horrible for everyone. I just think men have it slightly worse when it comes down to it, but either way I shouldn't have voiced it.
blackgeorgewallace: *either way I shouldn't have voiced it.*
Fair point, and if that's the case I'd imagine you would understand why your female roommates who hardly know you would feel a little uncomfortable.
From my female perspective, however, I'll let you know that being raped in either orifice feels equally unnatural and traumatizing. Your mind and body are not reacting to biology. They are reacting to the fact that *this should not be fucking happening*.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1407299858 | 1407302659 | t3_2crbgj | t5_2to41 | 15 | cosmicxs: TIFU by being caught in the midst of fucking my boyfriend by my mom
Okay, this happened around 8 months ago, and after binge-reading this sub-reddit for the past couple of months it brought back this memory and I figured it was about time I posted it.
Anyways, some brief background. My parents are semi-conservative Christians, and though my boyfriend and I (let's call him 'Steve') aren't allowed to be home alone, we were allowed to be up in my bedroom by ourselves, rarely, if ever, checked on by my parents.
After talking about it for about 2 months, Steve and I finally decided to have sex. We weren't sure exactly when, but we both decided that we had a consensual desire.
Fast forward 4 months later, and we're in my bedroom, making out, things getting intensely heated. Finally, Steve asks me if I want to do it. I say yes, happily, and he takes off his pants and puts on a trojan.
Suddenly, he hears my mother coming up the stairs. He quickly tried to zip up his pants and I panicked, having no clue what to do. Alas, it was too late. My mom came in through the door, seeing not just my boyfriend's erect penis, but the condom wrapper lying on the floor. She flips out, full on screaming at my boyfriend and I, probably the angriest I'd ever seen her. She yells at my boyfriend to return home immediately and he drives off. I'm left in my room, sobbing, my mom yelling at me about how I'm a whore/slut who's gonna get pregnant sooner or later.
TL;DR My boyfriend and I fuck in my bedroom, mom walks in on us, gets intensely angry and labels me a slut.
dc_throwaway2013: you wait four months for that perfect opportunity when your mom is right downstairs?
PM_ME_ANTS: Yep. This story is sad for many reasons
| 3 | 5 | |
1407301554 | 1407302585 | t3_2crdpt | t5_2to41 | 1 | boomersoner: tifu BY GIVING my ex A RIDE
not the good kinda fukin ride either. no a ride to the storee and i ended up going in and shoppin with her and i saw two people i used ta know back in high schoolll (hadnt seen em since i graduated when i was20) we talkedd ex wife decides to steeal some fuckin ammonia peroxide and batteries and comes up and starts playin with my dickk and i dont realize she is stashing batrries in my inderwear until the manager catches us i go arrestedd but securitty footage showed what happened so i was releasedd on pr bond and hould get the case dropped!!! 8thank god) but i aint haning out with her o more
Sharkbite116: Well good is very unfortunate... Never let your ex reach into your pants. Kind of like "never stick your dick in crazy".
boomersoner: iknoow that noww!!! let my stepmom do that once when we were drunkk and my 21st.never again now i got a fukn kisd
Sharkbite116: You know... That's another tifu... Do share
boomersoner: i willl, she shouldnt a fartedso much. shot the jizz out and leaked to the baby maker
Sharkbite116: Oh my...
boomersoner: dont u fukin startt 2 ive smelled more girlsss asses than uvefukce
Sharkbite116: Please, tell me more. How many exactly?
| 8 | 0.125 | |
1407299967 | 1407302479 | t3_2crblx | t5_2to41 | 10 | shokzee: TIFU by showing three strangers my dick
So, we all know when we're busting to pee that it is hard to think about anything else, or even think rationally at all. As guys, we have this benefit of being able to whip the little fella out a few steps before the finish line, just for extra efficiency on that photo finish. Now, on this particular occasion it was going to be a close call. So as I was pushing the door open to the toilet I thought I'd let The Woodpecker out of it's cage simultaneously, to swing the odds in my favour. Unfortunately, I hadn't been to this toilet before and was unfamiliar with the layout. I had only opened the door into a separate room where the sinks were, and at that moment, three other guys. With my mind being filled to the brim with piss I stupidly hadn't considered that there will probably be other members of the public, or victims in this case, in a public toilet. Instead of continuing on my storm trooper march for the urinal, the surprise stopped me in my tracks.
So there we were, three strangers, myself and Willy Nelson. I'd like to say they didn't notice, but they did. I'd like to say that I calmly commanded the basilisk return to the chamber of secrets and carried on, business as usual, but I didn't.
Instead, after a few moments of 'yeah, this is happening' looks, I gave them a weird nod/salute. As if to say 'wish me luck as I head into the frontline'. Then I walked between them, with the wee thrower still unholstered, locked and loaded, through to the toilet.
I guess I'm just grateful that, in my shock, I didn't accidentally release the valve to the hose and give them a good spray with their flash.
Finard_Skynard: There are many ways this situation could have gone much worse...
Sharkbite116: Much worse. Imagine if you were so poorly endowed that they didn't even notice your Willy Nelson...
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1407302413 | 1407374709 | t3_2cretp | t5_2to41 | 17 | goshd: TIFU by trying to be frisky
Getting ready for bed, bf is sitting on the bed untangling his speaker cords that are on the floor so that we can play music and not disturb his roommates. It's important to note that his laptop is behind him and slightly to the side.
I decide to be a little more bold tonight and come up behind him on the bed and start groping and whatnot. He's getting excited because I don't usually initiate and can't get the cables untangled. His untangling becomes more frantic and he gives up after a few seconds. He shrugs me off with some force, I fall backward and my elbow hits his laptop. The screen is busted. Bf now has a blank look on his face. He has lost a child, and I administered the fatal blow.
Also no sex as I left the disaster zone asap.
Tl;dr Tried to get frisky with my bf, broke his laptop screen
geezee69: It was an accident, so I would be pissed but definitely not blame it on you.
Sanjusaurus: Didn't sound like he started to blame her. He just had a blank face for a bit.
She said she left ASAP so it sounds like she just blushed out of embarrassment and left the scene unsure of how to handle the situation.
They're probably fine now :)
geezee69: yeah, hopefully :D
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1407302856 | 1407386369 | t3_2crfe8 | t5_2to41 | 19 | almoore417: TIFU by texting my dad about sex toys
This actually happened today! Well i guess yesterday cause its 1:30 am on the east coast.
The GF has been out of town a while so we agreed that when she got back we would do something special. So we go to my neighborhood Hustler Hollywood store and buy her a brand new butt plug and some lube for sexy times later. We go and get Penn Station too cause it's delicious. I text my dad because he is wondering where I've been all afternoon. Obviously I couldn't say "Just out getting sex toys with my GF" so I just say "out getting food. We'll be back in about an hour or so." Since I'm only 18 and I'm living at home till I can move into my dorm in a couple of weeks, I still have chores so my dad replies "You forgot to do the dishes before you left" so we grab our sandwiches and fries and head back to my house.
I'm doing the dishes and talk to my GF for a minute about what movie she wants to watch on Netflix before she goes down in the basement to set up my computer. I decide to take a dump and text my GF who is waiting in the basement "You should probably put it in now for maximum prep time." This is where I fucked up. I check the recipient after I sent it only to find out in horror I had sent it to my dad. I even heard his text message alert from the bathroom and cringed. I quietly finished my dump, walked out of the bathroom and just said "that was for GF."
I can only assume he thought I was talking about the movie because he didn't address it or give me a strange look. Though he probably didn't know, I knew what it meant…I knew. I just finished the dishes as fast as humanly possible and just went down stairs to deliver the message in person so there was no chance of further fuck ups. Though nothing really came of it, deep down I'll always know I texted my dad about a butt plug
TL;DR: Accidentally vaguely texted my dad a text meant for my gf about putting in her new butt plug in. Pretty sure he didn't know what it meant tho...
kevin_k: At first I was confused by your "Penn Station" reference, especially combined with "delicious". I quickly found that someone has named a restaurant chain after a train station. A big, dirty, train station that smells like a urinal. A hot urinal.
MyCreatedAccount: Have you never had penn station?
kevin_k: Nope. I don't think any locations are near anywhere where a lot of people would be familiar with the actual Penn Station.
MyCreatedAccount: I guess it is an east coast thing.
kevin_k: Wikipedia says South and Midwest. The point is: nowhere near the actual Penn Station. Looking at their locations map, the closest ones are in Virginia or near Pittsburgh.
MyCreatedAccount: I live near Cincinnati and I know where 4 or 5 are at
kevin_k: I think that counts as nowhere near the actual Penn Station
MyCreatedAccount: Where is penn station, every time I try to google it I keep getting the restaurant locations.
kevin_k: First two hits for me are the actual Penn Station it's named for:
http://www.amtrak.com/servlet/ContentServer?pagename=am/am2Station/Station_Page&code=NYP
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pennsylvania_Station_(New_York_City)
MyCreatedAccount: Ok, I guess it is because I am signed into my gmail account.
kevin_k: Oh, wasnt doubting you ... Sorry if i gave that impression
MyCreatedAccount: No I was just guessing why I got different results.
| 13 | 1.461538 | |
1407303182 | 1407335049 | t3_2crfu1 | t5_2to41 | 23 | navysealwith300kills: TIFU by not understanding migraines and trying to be funny
Its near the end of the night at work me and two girls are putting up boxes of frozen food all standing next to each other. One girl looks uncomfortable and kind of in pain while working slowly. Other girl asks whats wrong. Replies, "Im having kind of a bad migraine right now." I know this has something to do with having a headache but didnt really know that they are actually painful. I grab her head with both hands and yell, "DEMONS, COME OUT!" and shake it not really that gently. As I do that she meekly says please dont do that and then ow. She then kneels down holding her head, apparently it really hurt and made the migraine worse. She is incapacitated for approximately 15 minutes and I look and feel like an asshole while also delaying us finishing and thus getting to leave.
Omnipotence456: ...what the hell, man? Even with a normal, everyday, tension or dehydration headache, loud noises and getting your head shaken hurts. I don't think "not knowing how migraines work" is an excuse.
thenagainmaybenot: Even without a headache that's rude as shit. Don't just grab people and shake them about... wtf.
Omnipotence456: Eh, that depends how well you know them. My friends could grab me and shake me as part of a joke and it'd be okay. A random stranger might get maced. Anywhere in between, I'd probably be pissed and/or confused.
Voyager5555: Doesn't matter how well you know a co-worker, you should never do this.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1407303297 | 1407311341 | t3_2crfzo | t5_2to41 | 23 | Tidbits5197: TIFU by not double checking my calculator for batteries.
So, I had this utterly important math final today that required a calculator. The last time I used my calculator, it had working batteries in it so I didn't think to check twice. I got into the room right as the test was about to start so I didn't have time to really check for batteries once I sat down. Anyways, after a few questions, I get to the ones that required a calculator. I pull it out, hit the "On" button and... nothing. Hit it again, nothing. At that point my heart was already starting to drop. I opened the back where the batteries are stored and... THERE'S NO EFFING BATTERIES. Needless to say, I completely flunked the test and the course. Turns out someone had removed the batteries from my calculator without me knowing because they needed it for something else.
TL;DR Failed a major exam because I didn't check to see that my calculator had working batteries (or if it even had batteries).
oh_thetruthhurts: That's why I always bring 2 calculators.
sdfgsdfgxc: I tried that... both were dead. Check your calculators people.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1407301733 | 1407308372 | t3_2crdyf | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting into a hit and run in a company car
So tonight I had to drive the company car. It is much bigger than my personal car (not an excuse). However, I was traveling down a narrow roadway with cars parked on the side when a car came through the other lane. I got nervous and tried to give the car enough room when THUD! Oh no! My mirror folded in and smashed the glass of the mirror. I happened to hit a shitty truck with rust all down the side of its body. Thank god I only hit their mirror and what it looked like was that I only put a little sized hole in their mirror. I tried to stop but it was eleven at night and didn't want to go knocking on people's doors, so I drove away. Hopefully in can come up with a good story for the boss
createanewaccountuse: Damm kids, going around breaking mirrors with their baseball bats. I blame bad parenting.
OldieButNotMoldy: That is so true, I heard there was a bunch out tonight in fact. It's a shame they were not caught.
| 3 | 1 | |
1407306149 | 1407307037 | t3_2crjeo | t5_2to41 | 2 | canadianright: TIFU by using using dove conditioner as lube (NSFW)
So this TIFU didn't actually happen today but a few months ago
masturbating usually helps me fall asleep, but on this particular night I ran out of my convention lubricant, so I decided to use some conditioner instead
So I get some dove conditioner, put it on my wanking hand, go to my room and get in bed
I have an ipad which I use to watch porn, so I open up pornhub start looking for a video, put in my earbuds (only on one ear, of course), find a nice one start beating off
Suddenly I hear footsteps in the hall outside my room, so I decide to cancel my wank until further notice (my room doesn't have a lock) I open up youtube and pick a random video so no one can catch me
Then my door opens, so I'm like fuck, because I have this really visible conditioner lube all over my hand, but its in my boxers and I pulled my blanket over myself
So its my brother, and he's like "hey what's up" and he turns on my light, and he has absolutely no idea that he just interrupted my goodnight wank... So I'm thinking to myself "ok he's gonna say goodnight or something"
but he decided it was a great time to converse
He decides to come up beside my bed really close to show me some new piercing he got, and I'm there with a fully lubed hand on my now flaccid penis trying not to arouse suspicion
Then I realize the smell -- the conditioner smells really strong
My heart is visibly racing and I'm not wearing a shirt so I really hope he doesn't notice
He finishes the conversation and leaves, doesn't turn off my light or close my door and I hear him go to the bathroom.
He comes back about a few minutes later, and comes back beside my bed, and starts talking to me some more
My hand is still on my lube covered flaccid penis and my heart is still racing super fast
He ends up finishing the conversation (fully, like he really had no idea what was going on)
I didn't end up wanking that night, took me an hour or two to fall asleep
I had conditioner all over my dick the whole time and it just soaked into my skin and it got really oily, sorta soft (like you'd expect from dove (': ), but overall pretty nasty
Now every time I use dove conditioner (daily) I think of this
TL;DR don't use conditioner as lube
DeepFriedWhiskey: Coconut oil. that is all.
canadianright: tried that once
managed to get oil everywhere
wouldn't come off for a good 2 days
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407306591 | 1407307112 | t3_2crjwa | t5_2to41 | 9 | Crad707: TIFU By throwing food out the bus window.
Well, I'll just start by saying that this went down a long time ago.
So, for the sake of keeping somewhat clear:
*Riding the bus home from a field trip,
*I'm surrounded by my dumbass friends,
*It's an all-you-can-eat buffet,
*Highway speeds, baby.
I'm chowing down on a particularly tasty bag of chips, when my friend (let's call him Moe), hands me his left-over PBJ.
"Hey, Crad707." He says, "Toss this thing out the window."
Now, I'm sitting in the very back of the bus.
My window is open.
And I have very stupid friends, my brain included.
Naturally, the rest of the posse joined in;And I was being egged on beyond belief. I nodded a few times, and got into the zone.
That day was also the day that I learned that Karma had a wicked sense of humor.
After a bit of meticulous planning, my other amigos (Curly and Larry) decided to keep tabs on the teachers/bus driver, and give me the all clear. The timing had to be perfect, if we were going to pull off this brilliant pla-
"Hey, that's one nice looking Mercedes behind us!" I notice.
"You don't think..." Moe begins.
"Do it." Curly and Larry finish.
I balanced my options, and made a decision.
Target acquired.
So, back to the bros scanning and what not, I'm poised to strike. I get the signal from Larry, and let the cuisine fly.
My god, the flight path of that sandwich was glorious.
The projectile had found its target, splattering into something scary upon this guy's windshield.
Me and my friends turned into a pile of giggling idiots, only to watch in comical agony as two windshield wipers took themselves to smearing about the already ludicrous mess.
We were all at the point of shedding tears due to the laughter.
So, fast-forward to when we arrive at home (as nothing else occurred after), pulling into the parking lot. Before we get up and go, however, a member of the staff stopped us all.
"We got a call not that long ago from the district office saying that somebody tossed a sandwich out of the bus, and hit a car with it."
Oh, oh no. This is not happening.
"None of you are leaving until we know who did it."
I'm screwed. Game over.
After a few minutes of severely awkward silence, I spill the beans. Everybody leaves, minus myself.
After one hell of a lecture, I learned that the driver of the car 401ED THE DISTRICT OFFICE (used his phone to search a list of the State's schools to contact) after reading the Bus's District number.
Damn, that was clever.
Fast-forward even further, and I am at home,grounded,suspended for three days, and left with a severely tarnished school record.
Past TIL: Don't always listen to your friends/ PBJs can be messy shit.
TL;DR: Tossed food at a MB out of a moving bus, got suspended.
EDIT: Clarification on the 401 (This one is not phone savvy)
[deleted]: >let's call him moe
why
is he kawaii
Crad707: Nope, far from it:
3 Stooges Moe.
| 3 | 3 | |
1407308449 | 1407353725 | t3_2crltr | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by cleaning up raccoon poop
This actually happened last Friday but I'm just now getting around to sharing it with you guys.
I woke up around 9:30 so the AC guy could fix our broken AC. He finished up in about a half an hour and went on his way. Now my house has a hill that leads in to the wash so we never ever let our dog go out in our backyard because of coyotes/raccoons and stuff. Not to mention she is a tiny little dog. Anyways, my dog kept whining to go outside and I bought in to it. I put her pink harness on, attached the leash, and went in to our backyard. I also wanted to make sure the AC guy didn't forget something. So we started walking along the grass and continued to this small area on the side of our house when I notice a 7 inch pile of feces. Now the stench was horrid and flies were all up in my business. Our neighborhood has a bit of a raccoon problem so I'm automatically assuming it was a raccoon. So I had to be the responsible one and clean it up. I put the dog back in the house, grabbed a shovel and a trash bag and went back to what smelled like methane and sewage. I shoveled all of the poop in the bag using my right arm for most of the support as it is my more dominant hand/arm and went back inside to watch Parks and Rec. It wasn't until I grabbed the remote when I realized my right arm was swollen and was twitching uncontrollably. The swelling had only gotten more noticeable as well as the awkward twitching throughout the day. Now Friday is always In-N-Out day for my family. So we go there, I order my food and get my cup and fill it up (using my right hand) with root beer or something. I put the lid on and whadya know, I drop the drink all over the freakin' floor. Lots of curious eyes staring at my direction. So I apologize to the employee and try to help him by throwing some napkins down. I awkwardly head back to my seat to see my burger and fries waiting for me. To keep things short, I was being stubborn and refused to use my left hand only to drop half of my Double Double on the floor as well as some fries. It was a bad day.
TL;DR: Pinched some nerves in my right arm cleaning up raccoon poop; made a fool out of myself at In-N-Out.
Update on the poop: The raccoon is still pooping in the same place. I need suggestions to drive the critter away.
ShaedyBusiness: To get rid of these raccoons:
1. Cover up all access points. Fence in your yard, etc. Do what you can to keep them out.
2. Once this is done, take ammonia, or boil a bunch of hot peppers in water and spray that shit all over any place the raccoons come in, especially by where they poo. They are animals taht have very super sensitive noses. It will irritate them and drive them away.
3. Keep tidy. Raccoons thrive in filth. Lock up garbage cans, have locked lids, keep your lawn clear, keep cleaning up the poo. They will get that your yard is not their home.
4. if all else fails, animal control will be your best friend.
Be careful with your puppy, you don't want to get her all irritated either. Avoid bringing your dog anywhere near any place you decide to spray. I had a similar problem, and this seemed to help.
AnonymousReed2: Thanks for the advice my friend!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407309420 | 1407331960 | t3_2crmw6 | t5_2to41 | 254 | jucasc: TIFU by sitting on my pet hamster for 2 hours while I was watching TV
It died.
edit:
OK, some of you want more deets. I originally sat on it b/c this hamster was shy as fuck and I thought it would warm up to me if I forced it into contact against my body (non-sexually). My intent was not to sit on it w my full body weight, just to have it snugly pressed up against my butt / taint. I was sitting froggy style. However being the lazy dumbass that I am I got distracted by the TV and totally forgot about the hamster underneath me. Motherfucker should have squealed or something.
Saturn_Lights: Can you put a TLDR please
Paint_Calligraphy: TL:DR: Hamster = Kill.
JesusSeaWarrior: Where were you when hamster was kill?
Saturn_Lights: But who was Kill??
Heisenbergdies: How is hamishter kill?! Youz a futhermucker.
| 6 | 42.333333 | |
1407309955 | 1407348965 | t3_2crni9 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Saturn_Lights: TIFU by not getting a hint
I just finished work and decided to go and buy an icecream shake since I really had a craving for one. There's a group of girls chatting and one of them is staring at me. She's gorgeous. She walks around to the other side of me and tries to get my attention. I'm thinking she's probably playing a joke. So I point my head down and wait for the lady to hand me my drink. I walk away without another thought.
I realise 5 minutes later she was flirting with me. I want somebody to freaking slap me now gahhh!!
TLDR: I'm an idiot who didn't get that a girl was flirting with me..
[deleted]: 'Slap!!'. Idiot!
pickacoolname: http://imgur.com/TFnFG0V
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407309806 | 1407311240 | t3_2crncm | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by having the N word as my ringtone
I'll keep this as short as I can.
As a disclaimer this happened when I was about 14 years old and was going through a horrid identity crisis, therefore adopting a "gangsta" persona.
Yeah I was that suburban kid that listened to gangster rap, hated the police, and even sagged my pants.
One day I got a new cell phone I believe it was the galaxy s2, and I remember that in order to use cellular data I had to get a new SIM card for the ATT store. So I get there and the man behind the counter who happened to be black, was super helpful and extremely polite and efficient.
So he put the new SIM in my phone and in order to check if it worked, he sent me an email and low a behold my ringtone was exactly this song...
http://youtu.be/hqIsc8ooXug
Luckily he was cool about it and didn't mention a thing. I got really lucky that day, and vowed to never use the N word or any other form of racial slur ever again.
HighSpeedWayne: [Use this one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbquDj3mkGc)
w0uldbang: Or twist up your generic ringtone with [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsnv3VLnMwE)
| 3 | 4 | |
1407306929 | 1407356972 | t3_2crk8y | t5_2to41 | 9 | 10JagersLater: TIFU By Boning Blowjob Betty
Throwaway because this story reveals me to be a terrible person.
This happened several years ago, but I thought Reddit should know what happened the night I tossed it to the infamous Blowjob Betty. (Betty was not her real name, I guess it just kind of went with the blowjob part.)
BJB, as she will hereafter be dubbed, was the perfect test for Shallow Asshole Syndrome, which I apparently have. She was an extra nice, extra *large* woman in her mid 20's with a winning smile, perfect tits, and excellent taste in music. She hung out in the same local bar I always haunted, and got her nickname from apparently being the Nob-Gobblin Queen, or perhaps just being really eager to suck people off. I didn't know. She was fairly tall and built not unlike a sumo wrestler.
But damn was she a charming sumo wrestler, especially after I let her feed me shots all night. I could throw em down back then, and I'm positive I had at least 10 in the span of a couple hours, all on her insistence. I was at absolute full tilt, and the conversation had me really enjoying the company of this smart, funny, pretty, mountainous girl who knew most of the good bands in any genre I named. I made the mistake of saying I was adventurous. She invited me on one. The conversation went something like this:
BJB: "Well, we could get out of here and go break in to my step-dad's place! I don't have the key, but I know how to get in, and he's out of town all week. It's a huge place, like 5 minutes away."
ME: "(Should I...I shouldn't do...Should I do this? I should...*fuck it, blowjob time, let's roll!*) Sure, sounds awesome, let's take my car. You drive."
The bar is closing anyway, so the decision seems *pretty logical*. He's not even there, and worst case scenario he's not gonna press any charges on us. We roll up a curvy mountain road and pull in to this really ritzy place which looks like it could house a herd of cattle, and she pulls her best Lupin III act on the door. Badabing, we're in.
I was not prepared for the events that followed...
First of all, it become immediately apparent that this guy is the world's most organized hoarder. The house is an endless maze of bookshelves and tables, all lined to the brim with action figures, knickknacks, model cars--you name it. I'm in complete and total awe. All in all, there's enough brickabrack here to make about 100 full flea market tables and probably still have some left over, and it's all categorized and impeccably displayed, with a walkways that just barely accommodates BJB's sizable berth. She adjures me:
"Pretty impressive, I know, but whatever you do, **don't** touch **anything**. He knows where every single thing goes, and if you move anything whatsoever, he'll know I've been in here. And *please* don't steal anything."
"What!?", I think to myself, "She thinks I'm the thievy type? Well, I wasn't going to, but now that she said that I fucking have to!"
On the way up to the master bedroom, I pocket a sweet rubber-with-wires-inside-it bendy skeleton and some Blues Brothers sunglasses in each cargo pocket of my unfortunate fashion choice pants.
Here's where I reach warp speed fuck up factor. I go to piss, but can barely get past the gauntlet of clothes precariously perched with hangers on the bathroom door facing, making it impossible to close the door without knocking them all off. This is important in a minute.
So we finally get to the bedroom after what feels like several Lord Of The Rings quests, and that's where I meet Gollum. The cat. This bed is his precious, and he is NOT leaving us alone on it, at all. I can't mess around and get serious with this damn cat climbing all over my face (and trust me, he is being a serious asshole), so an executive decision is quickly made: my naked ass is picking this cat up and imprisoning him in the bathroom til we're done. He objects pretty heavily. So heavily, in fact, he takes a shit right on the bedspread. Not a real big one, but big enough to kill the mood if she sees it. At this point, I'm super pissed at this poor, attention-starved cat, so I pitch him into the bathroom and slam the door, knocking 50 or so hung clothing items in the floor as I slam it shut. I then return to my position on the bed, and, in a moment of true drunken logic decide:
"Oh damn it, she's gonna flip if she sees that squirt of shit on the covers. But it's pretty light. Maybe I could just...*rub it in?*"
I rub it the fuck in. Real quick and stealthy-like. It doesn't smell (I think) and doesn't leave anything much on my hand or the covers. Success! (Failure.)
It's at this juncture I make the title fuck-up. I've gone through so much for this, I decide I'm just going full "hell with it" and do the damn thing. And not only that!--I decide--I'm gonna let her get on top! Yeah, that'll show me. I'm actively punishing myself for this fuck-up during its commission, because I know I'll regret it, and I want to be able to regret it hard enough not to ever repeat it again.
I could describe the awful, sweaty, smashy, "holy shit I can't even breathe" sex in more detail, but suffice to say it started with the best blowjob of my life and ended with the bitterest of regret. Somehow, I kept it up and finished. I released poor little asshole Gollum, didn't bother to pick the clothes up, told her I did, and just made her drive me back to the bar. But I was in such a state of "what the fuck did I just do", I made her pull over in a wide spot so we could smoke that weed she mentioned she had. That made it somewhat better, I guess.
The next day, I shamefully confessed to one of my drinking buddies, "Dude, I fucked BJB last night. It was not okay." To which he made one of the most sensible replies ever: "Man. They don't call her *Great Sex Betty*. You should have just gone out in the parking lot and let her go to town. Then, we'd be high-fiving right now."
And so we would have. And so we should have. But no fives were exchanged--not high, medium, or even low. Just shame, and the memory of frantic cat shit rubbing.
But that skeleton looked pretty sweet in my room, wearing those giant sunglasses. I'm not even sorry about that.
**TL;DR - 10 Jagers, mission impossible into the land of junk and cat shit, taught myself a lesson, won the door prize.**
Sweet, dear Blowjob Betty, if you're out there reading this by chance, know that although I regretted our renegade B&E romp at the time, it has become a fond sexcapade memory of my time as a drunken scoundrel. I should have just dated you and helped you lose the weight, or done some metal gymnastics to make it more attractive over time. You were cool, and I suck.
Edit 1: Betty was not her real name.
Scratchington: So, you use this girl, fuck up a third party's home, steal from said third party who had nothing to do with you to punish this girl for not being absolutely trusting with you (apparently for good reason; justifying yourself with the mentality of "you think I might be bad? I'll show you!") imprison an animal lie to the girl, smoke her weed under false pretenses and mock her behind her back with your fellow douchebro and all you feel bad about is that you had sex instead of just leaning back and getting a hummer?
You're not some little scamp having some drunken naughty fun. You're a predator. Maybe you don't make a habit of this, but you used another human being and stole from another. You're a bad person, and you don't care. That's how you fucked up, not by getting some free puss.
vimfan: Hang on a minute - she was the one feeding him the shots, to the point where his decision making was impaired. Doesn't that make her the predator?
Scratchington: > **I let her** feed me shots all night.
She didn't force anything. He wanted the drinks. I guarantee at no point is he saying, "Stop giving me free alcohol."
ChrisCastiel: I guarantee no girl says stop feeding me free alcohol either
But you know
Only men can be predators
Scratchington: Or you could read the damned story and see she never pressured him for anything. She never asks for anything more than once. She never has to try to convince him of anything. But yknow, keep putting words in my mouth to help your argument if you want. Or go back to r/MRA, whichever suits you best.
PS: see how easy that was? You never even said you were a men's rights activist, but I implied you were! Just like how you implied I believe only men can be predators! :D
ChrisCastiel: Not an MRA but ok lol
He was drunk and she took advantage of his impaired decision making.
But that =/= predator
Scratchington: So, it's only cool when *you* make generalizations about *me* and not the other way around. Okay.
But as for what happened in this little story: He wants this sex. Bad. Even before he details all the shitty things he does in this house he makes it seem like a serious effort was made by him to get to this bedroom. Then: He smears cat shit into some blankets to hide the fact that a cat shit in the bed. In order to keep this girl from finding out and kicking him to the curb before he got laid. He locks said cat into a bathroom so it wouldn't interrupt the sex and risking her kicking him out before he got laid. Hell even as the sex is happening he decides that he doesn't wanna put any work in on this girl and lets her ride him.
For someone being taken advantage of he sure is working hard to make sure this sex happens. But you're right, poor little scumbag was taken advantage of because he let her buy him booze.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1407316296 | 1407377179 | t3_2crtmd | t5_2to41 | 288 | ford_f150: TIFU by jacking off in school in the middle of the classroom while talking to a friend.
Where the fuck do I begin. No, this was not from today, but I had just found this subreddit and this story needs releasing from my soul.
So I'm a sophomore in high school, and i'm a horny 15 year old kid who does nothing when he gets home but jerk it to porn for hours straight and then pass out with mom wondering why I was asleep during dinner time. Pretty typical millennial teenage kid I guess, right?
Well, one day, horny me decided it was a good idea to have wanky time in the middle of our classroom. We had this SUPER fucking hot teacher with massive boobs and a great ass, we'll call her ms.Ackson. Ms.Ackson taught digital info management and it was in this big computer lab that was set up in rows. I was in the row that was right by her desk. I'm talking to my friend, we'll call him chris, at the time and I notice that Mrs. Ackson is wearing these tight jeans that look so fucking sexy on her and a nice super low V neck sweater that just hugged her boobs ever so gently, I have a vivid image of it. My monkey was hard and ready to stroke, but the thing was, I couldn't stroke.
15 year old me also happened to be this skater kid who wore skinny jeans a lot, and let me tell you, skinny jeans provide THE best tension around your dick for sliding forwards and backwards and essentially jerk you off. Well, Chris decided he was going to talk to me about something and I continued to have a conversation with him while I was staring at Mrs. Ackson's ass. I slide back and forth in my jeans, pretty much jerking off my dick as I do so, and keep talking to chris just to make it seem like I'm not doing anything like that. Well, it's time for the ol' banana to release it's juice, and I realize that if I cum, it'll be all over my black skinny jeans. Fuck it, goes my 15 year old brain, it'll be super hot I thought.
I cum and I close my eyes and drop whatever was in my hands (pretty sure it was my phone) on the keyboard and everyone turns to look around at me. Chris i guess was still in the middle of a conversation with me and goes "Dude, what the fuck?!" and i look down and the cum literally seeped through the threads of my tight fucking boxers and my skinny jeans and was literally there on my leg while my erect cock was basically blanketed by my jeans and fully outlined. Chris is one of those kids that has an obnoxiously loud voice and laugh and shouts "DUDE ARE YOU JERKING OFF?! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" in the loudest fucking voice possible. I quickly shove the cum off of my jeans which is now partially on my hand. Mrs.Ackson is like "Do you need to go to the bathroom, ford_f150?" I dont even say anything, I just sprint out of the classroom and nearly break my dick by doing so, and go to the bathroom.
I get to the bathroom, and not only are my boxers soaked, but my dick is completely chafed on multiple areas due to rubbing up against denim with high friction for so long.
Needless to say, I was known as that creepy kid who jerked off in the middle of class for the rest of the year.
**TL;DR: Used 15 year old cock to jack off in tight skinny jeans to hot teacher's ass in the middle of class. Cummed in pants and got pointed out by dumb friend**
autipus: was it worth it? can't even imagine showing my face at school again :D
ford_f150: I switched schools the next year far away from that city. This wasn't entirely the reason but part of it.
[deleted]: How was it part of the reason? I'm guessing your parents moved so you did too. Did they ever get wind of this story?
PotatoTrumpet: Obligatory Teacher was OPs mom
[deleted]: Something something broken arms.
darbymowell: /u/verifiedson could contribute something to that
| 7 | 41.142857 | |
1407315941 | 1407352224 | t3_2crtah | t5_2to41 | 64 | SpaghettiNSalsa: TIFU by sleeping with my coworker
Wasn't actually today, but currently can't sleep because I feel shitty about it. Anyways, story:
I work in a restaurant and a few months ago this stunning 29 year old girl was hired to be a server (We'll call her Rachel). Up until a couple weeks ago there was only brief conversations and minor flirting, if any. Rachel has a child, and a boyfriend (not father) of 5 years. I'm much younger, in school, and 'seeing' someone. Two weekends ago, Rachel and I were assigned to work in the same isolated portion of the restaurant. Friendly flirting turned to some definite sexual tension. Afterwards I mentioned it to my closest coworker/buddy (Jake), but we both agreed that I probably just misinterpreted the situation.
Fast forward to this past Sunday, super slow night, lots of time to shoot the shit and dick around. Rachel's boyfriend stopped in to see her and had a couple drinks. It wasn't his first time in but it was my first time seeing him and he was a very average looking guy; which contradicted the reviews given by other waitresses. Rachel doesn't spend much time talking to him but rather hangs out with staff in the service alley (where wait staff goes to be out of view). He proceeds to leave and almost immediately after she sneaks up on me and starts giving me a back massage. Contact with other servers in the restaurant is frequent and comical due to tight spaces but this incident made me rock hard. A bit later I decided to lasso a few coworkers together for some drinks at the afterwork bar.
Jake was the first to the bar followed by me. We talk about the averageness of Rachel's boyfriend and I mention to him that I definitely want to hook up with her. Shortly after Rachel arrives at the bar and sits down very close to me. We’re very flirty and after a few drinks I invite them to both come out with my two roommates and I. Jake declines, but to my surprise Rachel accepts.
Rachel and I meet up with my roommates at a popular Sunday bar. She’s pointing out to me girls that I should go after and we’re getting fairly drunk. Roommates, Rachel and I proceed to a smaller, darker bar. At this point I’m drunk, Rachel says she is going to stop drinking because she has to drive home. I understand, but I offer her one of my couches to crash on if she’d rather continue. To my surprise again, she accepts. Almost immediately after this conversation we begin making out and dancing on the dance floor. It’s fairly blurry. Bar close happens and the lights come on and all four of us start walking the two miles to my house, Rachel and I hand in hand. About halfway she pulls me off into an alley and starts blowing me, I suggest that we wait to get to my house and she agrees. We get back to my house, head into my bedroom and proceed to have three hours of magnificent sex.
During the sex I hear a phone vibrating for a good 5 minutes straight, figure it’s my roommates calling about whatever dumb shit they’ve gotten into. I decide to ignore it. 5:00AM rolls around and we’re both fairly sober at this point but agree that we had a great time and that we’re going to do it again Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday (mutual days we work). She drives home and I decide to wait until Tuesday to talk to her.
I arrived at work today and there was definitely some awkwardness in the air. But we were the only two that knew about it, with the exception of Jake knowing we left together. I decide to play it cool and the awkwardness subsides. Eventually we’re alone and I ask if we’re still on for tonight. She agrees and luckily we end around the same time. We walk out together she fills me in about her Sunday night/Monday morning following her departure. She doesn’t go into detail but she lied about who she was out with and her boyfriend called that person after he couldn’t get ahold of Rachel. I suggest that maybe we cancel our plans for the evening and she agrees.
And that’s how I fucked up. I’m really torn because part of me feels terrible that I jeopardized her LTR and potentially even her child’s stability, but the other part of me really wants to do it again. I don’t really care if this gets upvotes I just wanted to get it off my chest because I have no one else to talk to about it.
TL;DR: Fucked a MILF I work with, her SO found out and I feel batman about the situation.
vigamoda: STOP! Don't feel bad about the situation but do not continue. Unless you are dead set on being with 'Rachel' and pursuing a long lasting, caring and loving relationship with her whilst providing for her child do not continue.
[deleted]: Wow, we shouldnt sleep with a woman unless we're prepared to pay her bills?
Womens lib has come a long way baby!
vigamoda: No. One should not have a part to play in the deterioration relationship unless they are prepared to face the consequences. No child should be caught up in the repercussions of anyones lust.
[deleted]: Pretty sure its not OPs job to police what she does with her body, whether it may later have some degree of distant repercussion for the child or not.
vigamoda: Ah. One of the many reasons for the moral deterioration of society - the choice to not be held responsible for the decisions that you've made.
[deleted]: Last time i checked he made a decision to fuck some girl. Fine.
She made a decision to cheat on her boyfriend. Less fine.
I'll take responsibility for the choices ive made, sure. But i wont take responsibility for the choices SHE has made.
She wanted to fuck him, he obliged.
The consequences of this that relate specifically to the sex, are on both of them. ie if she gets pregnant, its on them both.
The consequences for her family are on her.
mrow84: I don't consider myself remotely socially conservative, but I totally agree with vigamoda. Hiding behind the mantra of individual choice and avoiding responsibility for the consequences of your actions is ethically evasive.
The underlying assumption is that people are purely rational, but that simply isn't the case. People change their minds about what they "want" all the time, often after being reminded of the possible consequences of a particular course of action.
Things happens because of poor or irrational choices on all sides, and everyone has to deal with the consequences, and that's basically fine. However if you knowingly help someone to do something that is likely to have a particular outcome, you can't subsequently abrogate your responsibility for that outcome.
[deleted]: I'm really not sure that there is any responsibility to avoid. Putting your dick in someone does not make you their guardian.
But I see your argument, I just don't agree
mrow84: You're right, with what you so delicately put: "putting your dick in someone does not make you their guardian."
I think my point really was that the longer you keep going with something, knowing what the likely outcomes are, the less you can subsequently claim that you didn't have anything to do with those outcomes.
I'm definitely not keen on handing out moral judgements on the drop of a hat, but I do favour a consideration of the consequences of our actions, even if those consequences are entirely for other people.
So, less "get the pitchforks and torches!", more "steady on, old chap"...
| 10 | 6.4 | |
1407321314 | 1407355949 | t3_2cry4w | t5_2to41 | 56 | redditorJingle: TIFU by smiling at a girl
So I was casually walking downtown during the weekend, I had some plans to meet some friends... And then, I saw a friend of mine holding a sign reading "free hugs". She keeps looking at me as I walk by. I said to myself, "sigh, screw this. Let's do it." I go hug her and greet her afterwards. We had some casual chat until a nother girl with a sign hanging to her neck came in. Her sign read "FAT is beautiful". She was chubby at least, and for some damn reason this made me laugh. Nothing more than a small grin and a slight noise coming through my lips though. "What is it?" she asks me. "Oh nothing, I just find what you girls are doing cute." She looked at me for a couple of seconds and replied in a tone full of irony. "Oh really? You find activism cute? This is not a compliment right? I know this is a male's way to kindly say that he thinks we can't do any better than him." I oppened my eyes widely looking at her straight in the eyes. She was dead serious. "Well, not really..." (She didn't evel net me finnish my sentence.) "What is it then? You were hitting on me?" This is when my stupidity kicked in. "Wouldn't that be one of the consequences if what was written on your sign was true?" At this point, her face started becomming red, i was not sure if it was because of anger or shyness though. I found out in the upcoming moment. "Oh yeah emotional rape is also a cute thing to do." The girl I knew looked pretty shoked. She was looking at her friend the whole time but didn't even bother to interupt her while she was screaming at me. I give a glance at my friend and she looks back at me. "You better go" she whispered to me silently. And so I did, "I'm pretty busy today." I said "I'll just leave."
"Yeah, you'd better do so you fucking bigot." was the reply I got.
**Update 1:** I'm now online from my computer, fixed some spelling mistakes I spotted in the post. I just sent a message to my friend on facebook asking her if I did something wrong, she replied with the exact line below: "The mistake was mine. I shouldn't have called her today in the first place. I told her that I'll be giving out free hugs and asked if she'd like to join me. Maybe from her perspective, the way to make the world a better place is fat acceptance."
**Update 2:** Turns out my friend is never talking to that *girl* again. Seems like social justice warriors can't have a social life of their own. Plus I'm going to a concert with my friend tomorrow. Hurray for human logic and karma.
RGPFerrous: Sounds like an exibit from /r/TumblrInAction got loose. Sorry for you, OP.
lizmaebrooks: Not everyone on Tumblr is a feminist activist! Some of us have it for music, porn, and snarky humor.
RGPFerrous: I have a Tumblr also, but it's the Tumblrtards that ruin it for everyone else and give it a bad name that are the problem.
lizmaebrooks: I get it. Some people on Tumblr take it way too seriously and use it as a soapbox. Me, I just post gifs of Billie Joe Armstrong twerking.
RGPFerrous: That's... thought provoking.
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1407320787 | 1407339446 | t3_2crxmu | t5_2to41 | 16 | laststandman: TIFU by trying to get laid instead of studying.
I'm doing a three-week, intensive study abroad program in London. Our grade is determined by two exams, one of which is this morning. So last night I was taking a walk as a study break, when I saw a couple of people drinking in the outdoor common area. I go talk to them and learn they're celebrating finishing their exam. We keep talking and one of the girls asks me if I want to grab some drinks and join them. I figure why not, I was gonna showerbeer soon anyway. So I grab some beers and hang out with them.
As time goes by I'm hitting it off with the girl who invited me, and also getting a good buzz on. People start heading upstairs, we keep drinking, and I'm starting to think I could get lucky.
Nope. Turns out she was way drunker than I had thought. I went to use the bathroom and when I got back she was struggling to stay awake. So I help her to her room and figure I'll finish my beer and hit the hay. Except now it's 4:30am, at that rate I'll get at most five hours of sleep, probably less. On top of all that I've passed the buzzed threshold into drunk and haven't covered a third of the material.
So here I am, barely awake, barely studied, head still pounding, with 50% of my grade a half hour away. Also this class acts as my major capstone. That's all, time to study.
thegodofmeso: Own it!!!
laststandman: Word! I think it went pretty not too bad actually.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1407322516 | 1407349992 | t3_2crz9l | t5_2to41 | 16 | loliwarmech: TIFU by setting a bird free
Well this isn't the most recent thing but once upon a time my mom's coworker caught 2 sparrows in a cage. I thought they should be free and not stuck in that stuffy mouse cage they were in at the moment.
The little guys were scared obviously, but I did my best to get them out (with approval from said coworker), and with some coaxing, one flew off. I tried to get the other one to fly - and it did, but it came back and landed near me. Just as I felt my heart melt a bit from how cute it looked, a woman walked by... and *crunch.*
She fucking stepped right on it and walked on like nothing happened. It died. I cried for fucking days.
Over a decade later and I still remember that *crunch* like it was yesterday.
tl;dr I tried to release a bird but it came back to me and got stepped on
greywolfau: One New Year's Day I was heading into work after being out all night with a mate. I was catching the bus down to work which was only 20 minutes away, and in the gutter right next to bus stop was a dead pigeon. It was clearly dead as it's internal organs were laid out like someone had been in the middle of a biology lecture. The ten or so people who were standing with me were just watching this dead bird, and we heard the bus about to pull up and we could all see it was going to run straight over this corpse.
Everyone kind of held their breath as the front tire rolled over it, and ten sets of eyes looked away and groaned simultaneously like we didn't know exactly was about to happen. The 'POP' noise that pigeon made as it's spleen?/kidneys were ground underneath that tire still echoes in my head 13 years later.
Just for extra lol's, the buses front door stopped immediately above the remains, and I remember holding my breath on the off chance that squished bird roadkill is not a pleasant smell.
loliwarmech: Ew D:
(How long until a corpse begins to smell depends on temperature. Usually it takes about a day.)
greywolfau: Well, the contents of the stomach and other internal organs (like the bowel) can smell long before that, in fact can smell when the animal is alive. This bird wasn't holding anything back, it put it all out there.
| 4 | 4 | |
1407325278 | 1407422379 | t3_2cs1y2 | t5_2to41 | 4,241 | Death_Star_: TIFU by showing my mom the goods in the worst possible way
This week, I'm on a "staycation," i.e., I'm staying with friends and family in lieu of a vacation trip. The last few nights I had been at my mom's.
Since my brother and I left the nest about a decade ago, she has turned our rooms into guest rooms. Thus, staying here basically feels like a free Bed & Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner of my mom's scrumpdiddlyumptuous Chinese home-cooking (and no, we do not have General Tso's chicken or the Numba 19 for dinner every night, or on *any* night).
She had probably gotten used to the feeling that the entire house is her domain (as is her right)... which also means that she has gotten used to not knocking before opening closed-doors.
My mom and I are close, and I usually tell her about my new relationships, so long as they're at least somewhat one of dem Orientals.
But the times I've had a white, latina, or middle eastern girlfriend, we broke up before she ever found out, or I had no other choice but to reveal it (like bringing the gf to a family wedding or my grad school graduation).
I've been dating a girl for exactly 3 months, but I haven't told my mom about her. Why? Because she's white, or as my mom would say in Cantonese slang, [*gwai lo*](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gwai%20lo).
My mom being an Asian mother, judges my gfs just as much as she judges me (WHY NO DOCTA DEGWEE, Death_Star_? Why no Harvard? Sorry, a JD will have to do, mama). The girl I'm dating is in summer school so that she can finish a semester early in the State university in our city. Going to a State school -- unless it's Berkree or U-SEE-ER-A -- is frowned upon by my mom. Me? I don't care, so long as she's not the type to not know the difference between their and thurr. So, the combination of a gwai lo/white girl, a State school student, and a girl about 9 years younger than I am is not exactly my mom's dream.
Thus, my mom thinks I'm single and has zero reason to believe that I'd have a girl over at her house, day time or otherwise. This is crucial, since maybe she would have been more cautious about opening closed-doors, but that's for later....
Anyway, Mom works 7-4pm. I invite "Erin" over for lunch. I cook her the Numba 6 since it's a special-ish occasion (3 month anniversary). She had class from 8am-1150am, and I went to bed around 3am last night writing the next Great American Novel ("Faster than the Speed of Love, Part II"), since I have no time during work to write. In other words, we were both pretty tired by the time lunch was over.
We nonetheless head back to my "guest room" and fool around for a bit. Erin's on her rag (which I usually wouldn't mind for sexy time, but Erin's not at that stage yet), so there was a lot of necking and dry humping, and it eventually led to some *me* time, i.e. I got a *deep-tongue* Beej (get it? bc I'm Asian and can't hit her throat, ROR, er LOL).
Being male, having just finished eating, and having just getting my nuts sucked through my urethra (with her continuing to hoover it after I finished, which is part torture and part ecstasy, you guys know that feeling)...I essentially got instantly paralyzed.
We were both so tired that she left her top off, and my shorts were around my ankles. We snuggled and kissed (yes, it's just my own jizz, show your girl some love and respect).
The bed is feng-shui'd in such a way that the head-to-toe direction goes from the wall to the door, so when you look through the door you see the bed length-wise, beginning with the foot of the bed.
My mom works 7-4pm. We finished around 2pm. The plan was to have Erin leave before 4pm, i.e. before mom gets home (as a 31 year old, it's embarrassing, I know).
But we were gassed, flat-out tired. So tired that we were both half-clothed, and more critically, we passed the F out within minutes. I figured, a 20 min nap wouldn't hurt, we might even get to watch a Game of Thrones episode together before she leaves.
But this was no ordinary nap. This was not a power nap, but a *powerful* nap. It's the Rip Van Winkle type of nap that makes you feel like you just woke out of a coma and you have no idea what time or day it is.
Next thing Erin and I know, the door opens slowly with a slightly declarative "DEATH STAR?" before fully opening. No knock, nothing.
As I hear my name, I instantly realize what had just happened: we napped for over 2 hours and my mom's home. This is summer, which meant that we were fooling around and sleeping ON TOP of the sheets -- no insta-protection.
The next 2 seconds felt like 2 minutes, Matrix-style.
Erin's first instinct was to put her forearm over her boobs and reach to the *foot* of the bed for her top, which meant that she had to sit up and bend forward *toward* the door and my mom to grab her top (no doubt that she couldn't cover everything with her thin forearm and bigger-than-forearm boobs).
Recall, my shorts were still around my ankles. *My* first instinct was to pull up my shorts while on my back.... which meant that I threw my feet up in the air like I just don't care (well, I did care).... and it was like I was doing a neck/shoulder stand with my elbows supporting me. This meant that my back and ass faced toward my mom ... and my balls were almost tucked back between my thighs, and I [*monkey-brained*](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=monkey%20brains) my mom. I MONKEY BRAINED HER.
And I shot my feet upwards 2-3 times to try to get my shorts on more quickly, which meant that my balls jiggled more and my thighs opened and closed in rhythm, exposed to my mom. The monkey brain was bad enough, but I also showed her a slightly agape asshole that was no less exposed than the average gone-wild girl too "shy" to show her own pucker. And again, those leg jerks to try to get my shorts on just made my butthole/cheeks open and close accordingly. It was like my asshole was playing peek-a-boo with my mom.
With that classy display, my mom shut the door as if Jurassic Park raptors were coming after her. Erin and I were catatonic, in shock. I honestly can't recall what we said other than "do you think she saw anything?" (OF COURSE SHE DID) Denial was potent and immediate. It was all a blur after this. Erin got dressed, I finally got my shorts on like a non r'tard. I opened my door slightly, and I heard my mom downstairs dicing and getting dinner ready. This gave us the "OK" for Erin to slip out. So she did.
I showered and then waited an hour before coming down. Here's the thing about many Asian families. We don't do awkward. Well, we DO awkward things, but we never talk about awkward things. It's basically like Fight Club, but for awkward situations. The first and second rules of awkward situations is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT AWKWARD SITUATIONS. Times like this I wish I had one of those "cool" parents that I read about on Reddit who makes jokes to break the ice and directly address the awkwardness.
There was no ice-breaking; the Horn of Joramun could not break the Wall at dinner. The whole night, it was just curt statements and responses, no eye contact. My mom was angry, but she couldn't express it via discussion, since discussing it would be breathing life into something that "never happened" in my mom's mind. I was mortified, and while I'm able to talk about awkward things, it would've been selfish to force that upon my mom. So, the awkwardness just stewed and stewed. And it's still stewing. Marinating, really.
We ate dinner, no words, really. My mom didn't finish her dinner, probably because she can't get the visual tea bag out of her mind, or the image of a "random" white girl's boobs spilling over her arm. Such is life as an Asian family. Tomorrow, I head to my brother's place up north. Literally the *only* thing that can remedy this is time, and now my watch begins.
TL;DR -- My mom walks in on me and my gf sleeping half naked, and she sees boobs along with me upside-down tea-bagging her line of sight, with an element of spread b-hole to bottom it off. Being Asian, we didn't say a word of it -- or anything -- which let the whole awkwardness marinate even more.
EDIT: TL;DR
**EDIT2: Thank you for the gold and for all the kind-hearted compliments -- they made my day and were a great birthday gift (bday was 4 days ago).**
pewpew5010: My friend, this is a masterpiece. As an Asian I lost it when you started talking about gwai lo
Harrisonw1998: *笑*
我是美国人可是我会说中文。
Nible: Not even the same language, bro.
lols-worthy: What do you mean? They are both Chinese.
Nible: The guy above me typed in Mandarin, while "gwai lo" is Cantonese.
lols-worthy: Cantonese and Mandarin are written the same. 一二三四五 means one - five in Cantonese and Mandarin :)
Nible: 1. They don't necessarily use the same characters for every word. I'm pretty sure they'd say 識講 in Cantonese, rather than 會說.
2. Grammar is different.
3. He says he speaks 中文, which doesn't refer to Cantonese.
Folley: This is Reddit. We speak American.
Nible: I agree that we should speak English here, so I usually call people out on using other languages when there's no need for it.
Harrisonw1998: It was in reference to the post above. I wouldn't have responded in Chinese/Cantonese if it didn't relate to the topic.
Nible: How did "I am American but I can speak Chinese" relate to the topic? And why was it necessary to write it in Chinese? That's like me typing "I'm Swedish but I can speak English" every time I see a post with an English word on this website.
Harrisonw1998: Appreciate the feedback. If you don't like, downvote. Most posts in generic subs don't have any Chinese or Cantonese references, that's why.
| 13 | 326.230769 | |
1407330266 | 1407361642 | t3_2cs833 | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my wife "chubbs"
We have a happy of calling each other pet names...who doesn't, right? She isn't the thinnest gal, and worries constantly about her weight and how she carries it. Well, last night she was a bit depressed because of current life events which aren't really relevant. While trying to console I begin to call her "Chubby Monkey". Realizing the shit storm this would cause I attempted to stop myself, but the "Chubbs" had already left my lips, which is arguably worse. Tears were already welling in her eyes. Within the hour, she had thrown away a recent birthday present I had given her and placed her wedding ring on my side of the bathroom sink. I'm not sure if there is any coming back from this one. I was barely acknowledged this morning and I don't expect it tonight either...Honestly, I'm expecting to see some bags packed.
buildmeupbreakmedown: > last night she was a bit depressed because of current life events which aren't really relevant
Way to dismiss her troubles, bud.
^^I ^^know, ^^you ^^meant ^^that ^^they ^^weren't ^^relevant ^^to ^^the ^^story...
[deleted]: Who knows, maybe I'm just an asshole...
buildmeupbreakmedown: Nonsense. *At the very least*, you're an asshole, one eyeball and some sort of mobile appendage that can operate a keyboard. Otherwise you wouldn't have read and replied to my comment. You probably have a mouth and vocal cords as well, to insult your wife with.
Barley12: On the contrary, he could be reading in braille, so the eye could be a farce.
buildmeupbreakmedown: Is there even hardware that can present web pages in Braille? That would be so awesome.
I concede that he could be using text-to-speech, therefore having an ear instead of an eye.
Barley12: Yep you can browse the internet in braille if you have the right equipment. We could go a step further and have him using text to Morse code blinking light, and give him a photo receptor cell.
buildmeupbreakmedown: > and give him a photo receptor cell.
Otherwise known as an eye (though a very primitive one).
Wh stop there? Instead of a blinking light, we could use a vibrating element like the ones in cell phones and dildos. Then he could just be a jumping asshole-finger.
Barley12: and he could type using the dildo so now he's just an asshole with an accessory.
buildmeupbreakmedown: ...aaaaand we've come full circle!
You were right, OP. Maybe you *are* just an asshole.
dearbluey: I love Redditors. Seriously.
| 11 | 6.363636 | |
1407304116 | 1407336906 | t3_2crh12 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by unintentionally making the mods on my favorite sub hate me [META] no names, just story
I think it goes without saying that I'm new to "redditing", I've been browsing for a few years but just created an account.
I submitted a post this morning and it didn't show up in "new" even after an hour. Figured either I screwed up submitting it or it was hung up in a spam filter, so I messaged the mods. I've, up until now, gotten very fast responses from the mods, I figured this was normal, I was sorely mistaken. About an hour goes by so I thought maybe I screwed up the mod message submission as well (there was an issue w/the link being too long for the subject box) so I again, messaged the mods. At this point you are probably asking youself, why doesn't he stop? For the love of _____, stop! How I wish I knew then what I know now. I could have avoided this unintended debacle.
I was feeling frustrated, with myself, as I thought I was just not grasping how to "reddit" from a technical standpoint and just wanted help figuring it out. I deleted the post and resubmitted it thinking that If it didn't submit properly maybe starting fresh would help, but after the new post didn't show up in "new" I again, messaged the mods. Sometime later, feeling frustrated I typed ???? in the comments of my previous message, unaware until it promptly popped up in my sent messages, that this created, yet another, message to the mods. By the...6th message I beieve? I got a response, yay!!!!, but it was either a joke or some shorthand terminology that I just don't yet understand, googled it, didn't help. Waited an hour, no respose, just utterly confused. Messaged the mods again, alluding to my frustration, asking for help.
It was at this point I realized I had angered the go.. the mods. Got a couple of absurd responses with no relevance to the post. Felt the hazing coming my way and made one response in earnest self defense, trying to convey that I was just looking for help, not to piss anyone off. Then I got the one straight-forward response I was looking for, my post sucked balls! (in sincere words, not those). Thanks for the clarity! All I wanted was some clarity.
Then came some abuse, the threat of shadow banning, some humor and some serious abuse that turned out to be humor, as the next post was a dick joke.
So in summation, if I have learned anything from this experience that I would like to pass on to other new redditors, it is this; One message to the mods is more than enough
Voyager5555: Yeah, think I slightly stepped over the line after getting banned from a sub recently but I honestly just wanted to understand why.
[deleted]: That's the tricky thing, some things seems so arbitrary, and some subs seem reeeally easy to get banned from. I have a feeling most new redditors spend a good deal of time during their pre-cake year profoundly confused
Voyager5555: Agreed, not that I'm exactly proud of it but I've made worse comments on here than that one and seemed pretty arbitrary considering the other ones in post, but hey, if that's the worst thing that happens to me this month I'm doing pretty good.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407334507 | 1407350777 | t3_2csalj | t5_2to41 | 7 | Shurtugal929: And I get to see Billy Talent for 15$ tomorrow and I'm gonna billshit myself backstage.... So.... I have a happy life.
malicetodream: i have to ask where are you seeing billy talent. I love them and they never come to ohio
Shurtugal929: Saskatoon exhibition
And hey, you probably get linkin Park every few years.... They're never within a thousand miles here :(
malicetodream: yes we do get linkin park every few years and they have put on some amazing shows to say the least. a few sets have been very mainstream but when they cut loose and do the angry stuff its so fucking good.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407334200 | 1407347666 | t3_2csdv0 | t5_2to41 | 14 | HornedBeetle: TIFU by punching a woman in the face
I just want to start off by saying that I am a pretty placid person, well, as much as the next testosterone fueled eighteen year old. Anyway, yesterday was the 'one month' mark with my girlfriend and she had recently won free tickets to see the musical 'Wicked'. Cool, she wanted me to come along with her and I was more than happy to experience a bit of theatre.
So that night after getting some dinner in the city we decided to head to the venue, and I actually found myself getting really excited. I had a bit of a busted calf so I was annoyed thinking we were going to get cramped seats due to her free tickets but we actually had really decent seats and two free ones next to us perfect for leg space. (Score)
Fast forward a few vodka daiquiris and some cuddling and intermission had begun. Needing to drain the main vein, I quickly fled to the toilets leaving my girlfriend to mind our things. I tell you, nothing feels better then releasing your bladder after a half an hour hold up. Relieved, I head back to our seats and notice the two seats next to us were taken up by a down syndrome man probably early twenties and a woman I assumed to be his mother.
Damn, leg room gone. All good, they weren't ours to begin and the new woman next to me told me she was moved from seats closer up. Now, having relatives with disabilities I consider myself very understanding of people who got the raw end of the stick, but I couldn't help but internally sigh. I knew what was coming.
Not even five minutes into the start of act two the man starts stamping his feet on the ground. He can't control it, it's okay, brush it off. Ten minutes tick past and his stamping is now accompanied by groaning, by now the rows in front and behind us keep craning their necks to angrily look at him. After much violent whispers from the mother, it seemed he was annoyed by their new seats and couldn't see past the head of the lady in front of him. (Who he already managed to hit with his shoe twice)
Turns out he would much rather have her seat, the seat *next to me*. That's okay, I have been through worse and for the first few minutes it seemed like he had calmed down and all was good. Then the smell hit me, all jokes aside this guys odor had the distinct smell of moldy cum. If I were to guess what the infamous reddit 'cum box' smelt like it would be this down syndrome man. Everyone says to just ignore these things in public, but the smell was overpowering, it literally assaulted my nostrils.
Not wanting to offend him, or his mother I quickly scooted closer to my girlfriend. Burying my nose in her jumper, I managed to breathe and have some relief from the overpowering stench. I eventually got comfy and it was actually sort of nice. He began stamping his feet again and I tried again not to care, I was cosy and due to all the interruptions the second half of the play was pretty much ruined for me so now I just wanted some time with my girl. (I was going to survive this!)
Everyone seemed to ignore him and then all of a sudden, **Thump**. The guy punched me. I stare at him unsure what to do, and his mother begins to apoligise profusely so I smile and tell her it's fine, knowing she would have to deal with this every day tenfold. Two seconds later.. **Thump**! He had punched me again, hard. I ignore it again, getting slightly more ticked off. **Thump** this time his mother grabs his arms and he starts moaning again, stamping his feet, I smile and ignore it hoping just having no reaction would be enough for him not to continue.
It wasn't.
After overpowering the woman and sitting still, he decided to land one last blow while his mum wasn't looking. He winds up his leg and kicks me straight in my calf, I winced and restrained every muscle in my body from lunging and forcefully said *"STOP"* This only seemed to make him angrier as he stood up, quickly dodging his mum's attempt at containing him and threw his shoe straight at my face. By now my patience was at it's end and with the green daiquiris surging through my veins I just needed to get even. Not even thinking I leapt to my feet and swung, somehow this down syndrome guy momentarily Jackie Chan'd his way away from my fist making it bee-line straight for his mum's nose.
My stomach instantly turned and I felt sick, the crack of the impact made me want to cry. My whole body was overcome with guilt and shame and in my mind the word "fuck" was just repeating over and over.
The usher pulled us all out of the theatre and cleaned her up, even worse the mother kept apologizing over and over to me. I would have preferred if she was just filled with blind rage.
Today I still feel like shit, my girlfriend said I embarrassed her in front of everybody whilst I barely slept knowing I potentially broke a poor woman's nose who already had it tough as is. I fucked up.
Excited_Delirium: Eh, I wouldnt feel bad about it. His condition doesnt give him the right to assault you, and you dont have to give up your right to watch the play because he cant behave. Carry on.
Sanjusaurus: I don't think OP has anything against the man suffering from Down's syndrome. He was just a little tipsy so found it a little harder to contain his temper than he normally would.
Sounds like a real decent chap actually - I'm sure the mum didn't mind too much seeing as you must have apologised a lot and didn't seem to come across as aggressive (considering you took a few punches without retaliating at all)
Girlfriend saying you embarrassed her in front of everyone, I'd be a little annoyed at that to be honest. She must've known you were trying to be calm for a while and also that your calf was in pain. Hopefully she didn't go on about it or actually get angry about your reaction. Sounds as if you apologised more than enough :)
MyCreatedAccount: He got kicked in his injured/ hurt leg I would have been pissed
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1407313226 | 1407389194 | t3_2crqwc | t5_2to41 | 35 | Lambchog: TIFU by calling my boss princess
This happened about 20 minutes ago.
My boss is in a meeting with the bank and they called me up to ask about a product price and some purchase orders. I was day dreaming while writing up a user guide for a new IT system and when the phone rang i was in my own little world
I picked up the phone and said promptly "Good Morning Princess"
He hasn't talked to me yet, im not sure what will happen now.
UPDATE
Everyone in the office is now calling me princess. I guess i inherited a new nickname.
TheHeist37: Hey Princess ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Lambchog: Hi
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1407334246 | 1407355618 | t3_2csdxf | t5_2to41 | 31 | RadioAct1v: TIFU by trusting a random salt company's packaging
So here I am, just minding my own business, eating some fries, when suddenly salt wont come out of the pack. It's one of those packs that has different sizes at the top, so i spin it around a bit and try again. Sure enough, some salt comes out.
http://i.imgur.com/uYTFsDz.jpg
youarethenight: Is that raw bacon? That's not a good thing to eat, raw bacon.
wolfcry0: Looks like [Prosciutto](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosciutto)
RadioAct1v: It's exactly that
wolfcry0: It's so good, and expensive :(
RadioAct1v: like 15 euro / kg, not more expensive than other 'good' meat
wolfcry0: That's actually quite a bit more than it is here in colorado (us), it's around 9 euro / kg based on a quick conversion
The other problem is its good so I eat it all very quickly, maybe that's why I think it's expensive :)
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1407335052 | 1407336749 | t3_2csfbm | t5_2to41 | 12 | doornoob: TIFU: I insulted my wife's bestfriend during a discussion.
No need for a long back story. Here are the players: me a blue collar union worker raised in a liberal house and hold those beliefs strongly and the BFF raised by upper middle class office workers and currently the head of HR for a large company that some union workers
The conversation started when I got home from work and BFF was over having a cocktail with the wife. I complained about something about work and BFF snarkily said I should call my union rep to complain. So that got the ball rolling with me and her, debating the pros and cons of union membership, union shops and the such.
Well.
Her big complaint was unions defending bad employees. There are slackers everywhere- there are good employees everywhere too. I get that. I know, from what I see at work, that the union has to take the shitty position of defending crappy employees. I think they spend most of there efforts defending crappy employees. Good employees need less union/management interaction. BUT when we need it I WANT it. So this leads to the insult. I sarcastly said "Yeah. It sucks when the UNION HIRES SHITTY EMPLOYEES. If only those doing the hiring were in the least bit compitent. Maybe the union would have less crappy members to defend." So... she is in charge of hiring. I didn't make that connection until she flipped out.
My wife says I was insensitive and made the arguement personal and owe an apology. Fuck that. Me thinks she sits on her biuogious hill looking down on those she thinks are under her. She can spend all day on the internet and never doing any work (she runs her month about it all the time) while trying to fire workers for showing up ten minutes late. But my wife is pissed at me and BFFs husband, who is a friend, called me an asshole. So I guess he's pissed too. They left right after that.
mealymouthmongolian: Unions aren't useless, but they are very good at protecting the useless. I just find it annoying that you have to jump through so many hoops to get rid of the bad ones. Sometimes you hire a good employee and they turn bad down the line so you can't really place all the blame on the hiring manager. And don't even get me started on implementing policy changes in a union environment.
doornoob: Not perfect. I know. But don't dump all that on the unions. Policy change can mean anything from which way door open to pay rate. Collectively bargin means just that- both sides work it out.
mealymouthmongolian: I have no problem with unions in general, in fact I think they serve an important purpose. That being said I would probably not accept a management position at another company with a union simply because it makes my job more difficult. To be fair the only union I have had experience with would appear to be more concerned with keeping their own doors open as opposed to protecting the employees they represent, and this is a sentiment shared by members of the union and management alike.
| 4 | 3 | |
1407335503 | 1407337342 | t3_2csg0x | t5_2to41 | 6 | Large_Tallons: TIFU: by showing my shit to the cleaning staff
pyrowolf8: Removed. Please read rule 10
Large_Tallons: oh, ok, can i repost it on saturday then?
pyrowolf8: Of course!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407333735 | 1407371147 | t3_2csd51 | t5_2to41 | 275 | throwaway231569: TIFU by broadcasting my masturbation throughout the house
Backstory:
So I had just come home from a two week trip in which I hadn't even looked at porn or gotten laid. Before I left I masturbated once a day. I was horny as hell.
I live with my Dad and my paternal grandparents in a large home. I have my own room in a distant corner of the house giving me a a lot of privacy at night.
The meat and potatoes:
Understandably the first night back when I was finally comfortably alone in my room I decided to have a fap fest. I sat around playing through all my favorite porn videos online to find the right one for this special occasion. The first fap in two weeks. After two weeks, I'm much more sensitive and it feels fantastic. I'm riding the edge of blowing my load.
If only I had known what I know now. Like never before I understand how Oedipus felt.
After an hour of moaning and cumshots radiating from my computer speakers, I blew a ginormous load. I was done. But then I had a great idea, because what could be better then masturbating once after a long dry spat? Masturbating twice!
Why couldn't that have been the end? Did I really need to go twice?
The fapping intensified. No headphones here guys. My room is practically in a basement. Oh sweet porny moans to lullaby heavy heads bringing sleep to tired persons.
What I didn't know:
While I was away an intercom had been installed in my room. Yes. A fucking intercom. It was locked on transmit. That means the microphone is constantly on and I can't hear the screams of horror coming from the other side to tell me to stop.
TLDR:
Away for 2 weeks on a trip. Super horny. Get back and have a masturbation fest. An intercom had been installed in my room while I was away. Serenaded my family with the sounds of me cumming to my favorite porn stars. Twice.
Update:
It went ok. My dad comes straight to my room this morning to tell me about the intercom. It had accidentally been left locked on transmit and of course can be unlocked from my location. He said I need to be careful because when it's on they can all snoop in on me. No shit. My grandparents seem to have immediately put this on the list of things to never speak of and that's just fine by me. I assume that once the first session started they turned off their receivers in their rooms. Otherwise, if their volume was turned just low enough (unlikely this thing is loud as hell), I gave them some weird dreams.
TheGlassMonkey: How big is your house to have an intercom system?!
throwaway231569: It's like two houses stuck together
TheKrs1: I'd ask how they are stuck together, but I think enough information was given in the original post.
Xiexe: Ops cum. He masturbates enough to glue two houses together.
dfuinghl: ~whoosh
Xiexe: **closes the window** damn that wind is annoying. Always whooshing around the house.
| 7 | 39.285714 | |
1407337109 | 1407338417 | t3_2csimx | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU: By trying to kiss a girl I work with.
So we've known each other for a long time and she's always been really forward towards me. She gets off on attention and needs to feel important. I'd usually pay her little attention but Over the past couple months we started becoming actual friends. From there I had thought something had started.
Guess not. I happen to be cleaning the girls locker room when she walks in the day after she said "we need to talk things over" I try to kiss her and she says no. Mind you she has talked to me repeatedly about how she wants me, likes rough sex, etc. Anyways When she said stop I did.
Weeks go by and suddenly I'm pulled into the office and told I'd be getting suspended for an incident that occurred in the girls locker room. Apparently she told our bosses.
So yeah I got rejected and might be getting fired and now the entire store I worked at knows of my misfortune. I'm going in in 3 hours to defend myself. I'm not sure what she told them or how Its gonna go. Really nervous right now. Its a double fuck up cuz I knew better, but wanted to believe she actually liked me. Never trust a girl that says shes a good liar.
EDIT Update: Got transferred to a different store
Ce11arDoor: Do not roll over. If the charge is sexual harassment, then what is the company policy? Are you her superior? Explain the situation, unless their's something you haven't told us then your fine. You did nothing wrong. Do not roll over!
alanwins: >Are you her superior?
He cleans out the locker rooms...
| 3 | 2 | |
1407337823 | 1407357340 | t3_2csjvz | t5_2to41 | 596 | Peterslquill: TIFU by having sex and getting caught by HER dad and being left alone with him NSFW
A few years back was at my GFs house watching tv in the living room. Her mom was at work and her dad walked in to say he was going to run errands and would be back before dinner. Estimating a good 2-3 hours away. He leaves.
The door shuts and it was our cue. We start making out on the couch and I suggest moving upstairs to her bedroom. We go up.
Side note. Her house is an old school house. So the way the upstairs is built is a bit awkward to explain but essentially, you walk upstairs and you are in her room. To get to her parent's room, you have to walk THROUGH her room.
Clothes come off and we start going at it in her bed. We start getting a really good rhythm going and we both get a bit vocal in bed. I lay on my back and she starts to ride me and asks me to spank her. I'm a gentleman so of course I oblige. She asks for it harder a few more times and I call her a dirty girl.
The reason I explain this is because in that moment we hear "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" and see her dad standing in the doorway. So we had no idea how much he heard, but had to assume he at least heard her asked to be spanked and definitely heard me call his daughter a dirty girl.
The guy is just stood there stuck between wanting to run in and beat me and wanting to run away from this site. Her bed is close to the door so she jumped up and slammed the door in his face. I was absolutely shocked he didn't bang it down but he just walked away.
Another side note. Her dad is awesome. A very laid back and non assuming guy. But when he gets mad, he gets really mad.
So I pull on my clothes faster than ever before and very genuinely looked at her and said well this has been fun but I'm going to just hop out your window. She insisted it was ok. In the moment I was very ready to end our relationship and run out on the sole fact that I could never look at her dad again. It took her 2 hours locked in her bedroom to convince me to leave and it would be ok. Her plan was to walk downstairs together, sit on the couch and just watch TV. If he brought anything up, she would do the talking.
So we walked downstairs and again, her weird house is designed that at the bottom of the stairs is the entrance to an open kitchen, living room and dining room. They are all wide open, no room separation at all. So we walk down and start to walk into this big open downstairs with no where to hide, and she diverts into the bathroom and shuts the door, leaving me alone in the living room with her dad. (Never have I ever been so mad at her).
It was the longest 3 minutes ever. I sat down on the couch sweating and he just didn't flinch. Looked over once or twice and didn't say a word. Finally she came out and he looked over and said ok look, I get it. But if it was one of your mothers that caught you, you'd both be dead. So never be that stupid again.
TIFU: Sex with the gf, her dad walks in, I get stuck alone with him.
prime_time_: Sounds like he's a cool ass dude.
Peterslquill: He absolutely is.
TheStrangerJr: Blink if you're being held hostage
luscious_lulu: I have had a crappy day- thanks for the laugh.
TheStrangerJr: But of course! Play any games on the PC?
luscious_lulu: Sure do...I blink at reddit. A lot.
TheStrangerJr: PM me your steam name?
| 8 | 74.5 | |
1407331949 | 1407347321 | t3_2csaht | t5_2to41 | 318 | cdwkthemyth: TIFU by using my personal laptop at my internship [NSFW]
Well good morning reddit, thank god this summer is almost over because this fuck up just happened about ten minutes ago. Just a warning I'm sorry for my shitty grammar, its really not my thing.
To start off, I'm working as a risk management intern at a small, laid back insurance company that sells workers compensation insurance. Being that it is such a small company I do not have an office or a computer so basically I just my mid-2009 MacBook Pro in the conference room and do all of my work from that. My days usually start with me coming in and not having a lot to do so I'll browse reddit until my workers comp specialist will come give me loss data to write up a report on or some other project, this usually happens about two hours after I've already arrived.
So my story really starts late last night at home. My parents left for a mini vacation early yesterday to Niagara Falls so I'm like hell yeah house to myself, whatever I'll have the same thing in two weeks when I move back into school so I'm not thinking oh hey lets have a party it's more like hell I can watch some porn at full blast. First fuck up. So here I am jerkin my gerkin and the battery of my computer dies right as I finish up. Being a 2009 model the battery isn't what it used to be and beforehand I caught up on the newest roosterteeth podcast so yeah the battery is spent so I close the lip, set the computer aside, and went off to go play some pool with some friends.
Fast forward to the next morning. I wake up and throw my laptop in my bag and head off to my internship. As I'm pulling into the parking lot my workers comp specialist is right behind me and we walk into the building together. You have to understand this woman before I go on and finish my story. This woman is in her late 40s early 50s and is a very cold and demanding person who is unlike anyone else in the office, she doesn't really speak to anyone besides me. She is also pretty close to my height (right around 6') and is probably pushing 230lbs with this scary ass scowl permanently implanted on her face, pretty intimidating actually.
So anyways, here we are in the conference room and she is asking me to show her something on one of the reports that I did the previous day so I go to open my computer and it doesn't light up right away so I figure "oh must be dead" so I grab my charger and hook 'er up, wait a few seconds, and press the power button. This is where is all goes wrong. If you know anything about how macs react when you are starting them back up from a dead battery is you are stuck at the log-in screen for sometimes up to a minute until it will let you move your cursor into the dialog box to type in your password, and for some reason it will start playing a video in the background right away and you don't have any control of even the volume. So here we are and before I could log into my computer I start hearing grunts and I remember how I drained the battery. Moan after moan and the sound of skin slapping together echo in the conference room of a 20-something blond girl being ass rammed. I start freaking out and am trying everything to get the noise to stop and my boss is sitting right there without the scowl for the first time ever and is laughing her fucking ass off, pats me on the back, and says I'll stop back over in a few minutes. Well at least she wasn't mad. I'm an idiot.
tl;dr: While sitting with my boss I started up my computer and porn started auto playing. Generally angry lady laughed it off and walked away.
pulsefrequency: She wants the D bro
cdwkthemyth: God damn I sure hope not
TheAryanBrotherhood: Honestly...she probably wouldn't react poorly to things. Squeezing between her and the wall, get a little feel. You know. I bet she doesn't get mad or make it awkward or anything.
| 4 | 79.5 | |
1407333099 | 1407455399 | t3_2csc5s | t5_2to41 | 10 | throwawayyy1886: TIFU Double catfish (If that's what you want to call it?) with surprise ending.
Ok, so this is a throwaway for obvious reasons, but this is a genuinely a true story of how me and my ex met/got into a relationship, no matter how unrealistic is may sound. Some of the details may be slightly vivid as it started about 8 years ago. Ok..
I, at the time, was a 14yo male, and she was 13. Being 14 at fairly low on self confidence and such, I created a fake MSN messenger account (When it was huge) of one of my good friends, without their knowledge of course. Bebo, at the time, was the social network to be on and I found an account of a girl who was pretty attractive. So I added her on MSN and began speaking to her. Fairly quickly we were talking everyday and exchanged several pictures of (supposedly) each other. I was aware of the risk of cat-fishing at the time (especially since I was doing it myself), but her Bebo account had 100's of friends, of whom several regularly spoke to her, so I assumed all was as seemed. Anyway, we spoke for hours every single day for probably 12 or 18 months without nothing else coming out. I can't quite remember why, but for some reason I became suspicious, so I added one of her regular friends off of Bebo and began speaking, basically confirming that she was who she said she was, to which he said she was. This is where it get's slightly weird (If it isn't already), that this friend of hers I added, posted a comment on her Bebo asking why, when he saw her and her twin sister in town and shouted to them, she blanked him. Finding this weird, I searched for another account of his and found a myspace account. Believe it or not, when looking through his friends, I found a profile with the picture of the girl I thought I was speaking to. I checked it out and there was no question this page was legit and given how she interacted and spoke, it was fairly clear the girl I was speaking to wasn't her. (It turned out he never spoke to this girl on myspace as he already was on Bebo so had no need, and actually met the real life version and didn't get an answer as the real life girl obviously didn't have a clue who he was). I asked her about it, to which she came clean (sort of) and admitted it wasn't her, saying she was embarrassed of how she actually looked and sent me a picture of how she did look. Given that the picture she sent me was of a girl who was probably just as attractive as the one she was pretending to be, it's fair to say I was suspicious but didn't want to say it as I enjoyed speaking to her.
Anyway, several months later, after still talking everyday just like before, she was going on vacation. She text me that morning at like 5am, saying that girl wasn't her (unsurprisingly) she's sorry for what's happened and that she will understand if I never talk to her again. Of course, I finally came clean that I also wasn't who I said I was and explained everything. We left it a few hours at that, but this is where it becomes even more unbelievable..
We swapped pictures of who we actually were, expecting that to be sort of closure before moving on. What actually happened though, was that I thought she was attractive and I assume we felt the same (or possibly just liked who I was as a person), and we pretty much just carried on speaking as we were beforehand, without really mentioning what had happened previously. So, a couple of months go by and we decide to meet up.
Turns out, we met up, I thought she was beautiful, I guess she thought the same and we actually went into a proper relationship, in love with each other for about 5 years. It wasn't the best, as we still lived about 2 hours apart and we were still young, so only saw each other maybe one weekend a month, and eventually this became an issue, amongst several other things, and we broke up.
She's since moved on and has been with another man for probably 18 months now. I, however, am still actually in love with her, which she knows but says she doesn't believe me. Anyway, we don't really speak now for obvious reasons, although I wish things had turned out different and we were still together, but hey..
tl;dr We were cat-fishing each other, finally came clean, ended up being in a 5 year long (actual) relationship.
OldieButNotMoldy: Why can't people just be who they are I don't get it...
PerturbedPelican: I don't believe for one second that you are not moldy.
OldieButNotMoldy: I have myself inspected regularly for mold by an independent source to insure quality freshness Lol
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407340306 | 1407354746 | t3_2csoaw | t5_2to41 | 182 | Childwood: TIFU by showing the Principal Goatse
Back in highschool, we had computer classes two days a week for an hour. During this time we were supposed to work on typing up assignments we had done in class, do research for projects, and just generally be productive with the assistance of a computer. Most of us used this time to play flash games and make Microsoft Sam call our friends cunts by using Text-to-Speech. Normally this would be the extent of our shennanigans. Normally.
So on the fateful day I'm messing around on the computer with my friend Chris. Chris and I, being the savvy internet hooligans that we were, thought it would be hysterical to make our friend Matt open up Goatse on his computer.
"Hey Matt, google Goatse."
"Why, what is it?"
"Just google it."
"What is it?"
"Dude, just google it, it's hilarious."
So he googles it while the three of us giggle like school girls, Chris and I because we know we're about to see some serious anus, Matt because he has no idea what it is, but if it's got us laughing it must be good. Matt clicks the first link and a white page opens. A picture slowly starts loading as Chris and I's giggles are at a peak. The picture fully loads and Matt immediately and unsurprisingly says "WHAT THE FUCK." and sheilds his eyes from the computer, as if to protect himself from the "gay" of seeing another man's fully stretched butthole, as immature teens are wont to do. Through peaked eyes Matt closes the tab as Chris and I are just about having some kind of giggle seizure trying to stiffle our laughs.
It was less than a minute later when the teacher came up to the three of us and said "Do you think this is appropriate?"
Detecting trouble, and instantly remembering the teacher could monitor our screens from her desk using a program, we all immediately played dumb and the giggles were rendered all but dead. Chris, being the bold one, speaks for the group and says an eloquent "What?"
The teacher then pulls from behind her back a printed black and white picture of Goatse.cx while saying "DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?" We collectively lost our shit. Seeing Goatse on the computer was funny enough, but the fact that our normally sweet little grandmotheresqe teacher had printed out the whole page, just to throw it in our faces with a dramatic reveal from behind her back, was too much. We lost our minds. Chris openly laughed, I sounded like a whoopee cushion someone was pushing down on in short bursts, and Matt just looked away and made the sound a balloon makes when you let it fly around the air with the end open.
The teacher was less amused. She asked the librarian to watch her class and she marched us straight to the prinicpals office. We sat in the waiting room while she was in his office yelling something, I imagine it had to do with the gape. After a minute or two the principal calls us in and sits us down. We were all able to contain ourselves at this point, the worst had past. At least until he casually grabbed the page from the teacher and slid it towards us, ass up, without saying a word. The resulting fit cost us a two day in school suspension, call to the parents, written apology to the teacher and an essay on proper computer usage.
TL;DR: Authority figures don't find gaping anus as funny as I do.
Childwood: Bonus: When my Dad got the phonecall the teacher told him I was looking at graphic sexual images on the library computers. He asked what I was looking at and the principal said, and I quote "It appears to be a man spreading his anal cavity open with two fists." My Dad hung up upon hearing this, presumably to process that his 15 year old son was looking up gaping assholes. I burst out laughing.
WeeabooFgt: Did he ever have a serious talk about your sexuality afterwards?
Childwood: No, when I got home he asked me what I was doing and why. I told him I wanted to gross my friend out with a weird picture. He said to act my age, not my shoe size and not be a complete dumbass and look up anything inappropriate at school.
Cool dad is cool.
HiDefFX: Is your shoe size a 26? Cause this made me laugh my ass off
ParisianZee: Interestingly enough, that expression *really* doesn't work with EU scales for shoe sizes... unless you're really, really old.
| 6 | 30.333333 | |
1407341679 | 1407344945 | t3_2csqrv | t5_2to41 | 4 | MellowHellNo: TIFU by choosing wine over food
TIFU in a major way for me. Technically, this happened yesterday night, but it lasted until the wee hours of this morning, so whatever. Even though this isn't a particularly unique situation, I just need to share this with someone (helloooo, Internet).
So, I've been really stressed out at school and, last night when I came home, I made the unfortunate decision to deal with it by drinking. A lot. Like, I haven't made getting drunk such a point like that since my freshman year of college. Anyway, the last thing I remember was vid chatting with my SO and everything was fine. I wake up this morning with a mild headache and I call my SO like I always do before he goes to work. He's pissed. The part of the night I don't remember? Yeah, turns out I instigated an argument and was generally an all-around lady-dick. And I threw up off the side of my bed (super classy). To add insult to my well-deserved injury, I look through my call history and it makes me seem like I'm the craziest, clingiest bitch ever: 16 outgoing calls in a row to my SO at around 2am. Considering that I like to make it a point that I'm not a Stage 5 clinger when I'm sober, this made me cringe so hard that I think I broke something.
TL;DR stress-drank all the wine, turned into crazy-ass clingy harpy bitch, pissed off my SO (understandably), woke up to the aftermath, cringed as hard as physically possible.
wapimaskwa: I am sure that if clingy is not the norm, your SO will get over it and have a laugh. Eventually.
MellowHellNo: I just feel like such an incredible asshole for the whole thing and I want to make it up to him. Unfortunately, we're doing the whole long distance thing right now (he's moving in in a few weeks) and I don't know what to do besides say "I'm sorry" over and over again.
wapimaskwa: I would stop with any communication for the day, get rid of the hangover blues and start fresh tomorrow. Everything you do now is just digging the hole deeper.
| 4 | 1 | |
1407341471 | 1407354112 | t3_2csqds | t5_2to41 | 18 | science_the_bear: TIFU by locking my door too quickly
Recently discovered this sub – this story is from a few months ago. It’s the middle of the day and my roommate is out, so I decide it’s a good time to rub one out. As I’m taking care of business, I hear a knock on the door. Worried that it might be my roommate, I call out asking who it is. Turns out it’s my female friend, Samantha, and her mother, who’s visiting. So I tuck in, and make small talk to be polite, but then I say I gotta get back to something. As soon as they leave, I lock my door and get back to masturbating. No big deal.
Next day though, Samantha sees me and says, “I heard you lock the door right after I left, what were you up to?” and I’m thinking oh fuck but I’m just like “oh you know, studying,” then I changed the subject quickly. Later that day I texted a buddy saying “Oh man Samantha almost caught me fapping.” Except I didn’t text a buddy, I texted Samantha by accident. Realizing there was no way out of this one, I texted her again saying “Well, fuck.” Luckily she played it cool, but I’m a dumbass for not paying attention to who I text.
[deleted]: Maybe she isnt up on her internet lingo. Just explain to her fapping is like cramming for an exam.
science_the_bear: Well I usually do both before a big test...
TheAryanBrotherhood: Could have just played it off like you meant to say that to her to fuck with her since she previously asked what you were up to.
science_the_bear: damn that would have been clever
TheAryanBrotherhood: Comes with experience..
| 6 | 3 | |
1407342684 | 1407381188 | t3_2csskd | t5_2to41 | 25 | trinitynox: TIFU by drinking chloroform
This happened years ago and it happened to a friend but I thought it'd be funny to put it here and got his permission to do so. It'll be in first person perspective.
So I was in secondary school (high school I think in US context) and had Design & Technology (closest I can think of is probably like wood working? I don't know man, I don't know the American education system.) where I have to design and make something.
My something was made out of acrylic. For those that don't know, to fuse acrylic together, chloroform is applied to the surface and it melts the plastic. So I was just doing my thing, fusing acrylic together to make my piece and I had a thought jump in my head.
"I wonder what chloroform tastes like?"
So I picked up the tiny bottle of chloroform beside me and proceeded to pour it into my mouth. You know how sometimes you're about to do something stupid and at the last minute, your brain stops you but it's still too late? Yea, when my brain had that thought, the first drop had made contact with my tongue.
It felt like I placed liquid nitrogen on my tongue. I cannot remember the taste but my god was is cold.
Is that the end? No. I proceeded to FU again after that.
So immediately after that, my brain just went into retard mode. I could still function, somewhat. My friend sat me down and told me not to go into the workshop and wait for a teacher.
I sat down but felt quite dizzy so I decided to go outside the classroom and walk it off. While walking around, I felt kind of thirsty and I saw a bottle of iced tea drink on the floor and in my chloroform fogged up mind thought "Eh, whats the worst that could happen?" and proceeded to pick it up and drink it.
When I picked it up, it felt warm and since it was a warm day, I thought nothing of it. As I placed it onto my lips and took a big swig of the tea, I immediately knew something was off, the taste was salty and just as I swallowed, someone shouted "NO! DON'T DRINK THAT!".
Turns out, that dude just peed into the bottle because the washroom was too far and couldn't hold it in.
I threw up and called in sick the next few days.
TL;DR Stupidly drank a few drops of chloroform and ended up drinking pee.
Pennywhack: Has your 'friend' ever been up for a Darwin award?
I_hate_these_changes: I lift because I want to feel healthy and look good. I've made some pretty decent gains and am getting close to the body I want. Yet every time I want advice regarding fitness and I let people on the internet know what my goals are, they tell me I'm doing everything wrong. That I should be doing bulk/cut cycles and 5x5 programs or whatever.
I don't care about any of that stuff. I have no idea what my 1RM for any of the big exercises are. Why does it even matter? When will I ever need to know that I can pick up some long horizontal object once and put it down in the exact same spot so long as it's 300 lbs or under?
People on here hate on people that believe in anything that doesn't line up with their personal views. I think dirty bulking is stupid; why should I have to dislike my body half the time in hopes that it'll look good some time in the future? Why should I have to eat crap to fill out my calorie surplus? Surely if fat people just have to dedicate themselves to eating less if they want to lose weight, fit people can dedicate themselves to eating clean rather than make excuses for why they can treat themselves to a Big Mac every other day. I thought this place was supposed to be about fitness, but I'm convinced now that this is actually a bodybuilding forum.
ekoroski: Uhhhh what?
I_hate_these_changes: I'm just so sick of how we aren't based around each other anymore. Everyone is so opinionated about what lifts, programs, supplements, diets, etc are the best. Where's the comrade that I once felt at. We aren't better than any other lifting community.
ekoroski: I don't think you're where you think you are.....
I_hate_these_changes: Exactly! I don't even know what this place is anymore. All of this modern day bullshit bro science has ruined this forum.
ekoroski: You do realize you are in /r/tifu right?
| 8 | 3.125 | |
1407329785 | 1407345674 | t3_2cs7gc | t5_2to41 | 9 | TheSecretSoul: TIFU by letting a bunch of kids see how birds got killed. They all thought it was my fault...
Me about 15 at the time and my baby brother about 10 at the time were standing at a traffic light in the shopping zone. My brother noticed several pigeons on the street and a bus was aproaching slowly. He pointed at them because he was scared theyd get driven over and because he was so loud a play school class standing next to us (kids probably all about 6 years old) also saw them and all started pointing at them. I was like "nooo all calm down, the bus is really slow and the pigeons arent stupid. They are used to cars and will - " baaam. The motherfucker stepped on the gas and drove over 3 of them, you could see them rolling under the bus. Well you can imagine a lot off crying kids, all angry at me that i didnt shush them away......
Tl; dr i convinced a bunch of kids that the pidgeons would fly away at the right time, bus driver stepped on the gas and killed them. Everybody angry at me because i didnt shush them away earlier.
MyCreatedAccount: You could have saved them!
TheSecretSoul: yeah all them crying eyes made that clear to me… :( i'm still wondering if the bus driver did it on purpose or not..
MyCreatedAccount: Most likely, to bad he only got 30 points, the kids would have been worth more.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407343249 | 1407357473 | t3_2cstkq | t5_2to41 | 10 | ink_spot_masterpiece: TIFU by lying on a witness statement.
A person got injured and stated false information, not thinking the situation would escalate to court. From the way it looks it is, and i'm afraid I will be charged with perjury. I'm torn as to whether to come out and tell the truth and maybe loose my job, or to just keep coasting on in hopes that it doesn't go to court, or i don't get a subpoena.
swingandmiss32: Witness statement is not under oath, therefore not perjury.
ink_spot_masterpiece: it's not considered a legal document when brought into court? I'm really freaking out over this shit.
ssjkriccolo: As far as I know, the police can interview you in the police station and you can lie your ass off. Until you sign your statement it isn't perjury. You can get hit with an obstruction charge if it is an active investigation, but that's it.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407345705 | 1407361404 | t3_2csy6r | t5_2to41 | 61 | AbsolutelyThrowaway1: [nsfw] TIFU by visiting my boyfriend
Today I fucked up by visiting my boyfriend, who lives across the city from where I live. I don't have a car, so I take the bus whenever I want to meet him at his place. The route actually has two busses, but sometimes the second bus takes forever to show up, and it makes more sense to walk instead.
So... I get off the first bus and wait at the stop for the connecting bus. It never shows. I don't have a smart phone, so no fancy bus app for me! After fifteen minutes of waiting, I decide to just walk instead. As I'm walking up this hill, I have the sudden undeniable urge to... Shit. Like, now.
Thankfully, I'm walking by the local ASPCA (animal shelter) and know they have a restroom. Otherwise, this is a residential area of the city, and there are no coffee shops or other places that might have a restroom nearby. So, I decide that this is my best option. Except, as I get closer, I realize that I REALLY have to go, and I might not actually make it into the restroom.
And... That's kinda what happens. By the time I make it inside to the bathroom, I've already kinda shit my pants. When I pull down my pants, shit basically falls out onto the floor and the toilet. So, not only do I have to clean my underwear... But, I have to pick shit up off the floor. FANTASTIC.
Then... Someone knocks on the restroom door. It's one of those single stall deals, so I'm basically occupying the sole public restroom. I say "Occupied!" and mentally plan to avert my eyes and bust out of there real fast-like when I'm done, cuz I don't wanna see the face of the person about to walk into the horrific stench I've left behind.
Except... This person sounds like an old lady, who really, really fucking has to use the bathroom. She keeps knocking and demanding I leave, even though I have only barely assessed my shitty situation. Literally, while I'm smearing shit off the floor and wiping my ass and disposing of my underwear and scalding my hands clean as fast as I can... This lady is knocking and jiggling the door handle and basically yelling at me through the door. I am stressed as fuck, as this is literally turning into the worst case scenario.
Finally, I am cleaned up enough for the moment, so I bust out of there. I don't even try to look up as I run out of the bathroom commando with a shitty ass.
Unfortunately for me, I'm still halfway across the city and closer to my bf's place than mine. So, I figure that CVS is my salvation. I head there, buy some baby wipes and the only type of underwear they sell at CVS: pretty much full on granny panties. My plan is to find ANOTHER public bathroom nearby, clean up with baby wipes, and rock some granny panties. However... Again, the only place that POSSIBLY has a bathroom is this dirty old Spanish grocery store.
So, I continue on my mission and head to the Spanish grocery store. There, I basically beg to use their restroom - which is downstairs, in the sketchy basement. Even though it's dank and musty as hell, it's pretty much my savior. And no old ladies are banging down the door, so that's always a plus!
I clean my ass with the baby wipes till it sparkles, put on my fresh pair of granny panties, toss all the evidence, and do a good scald wash of my hands again.
When I FINALLY make it to my BF's apartment, I'm over an hour late and I'm a shell of a woman. I tell him nothing, except a lie that the bus hit traffic. My secret shall remain.
asherton04: That is a super shitty situation. The CVS didn't have a bathroom though?
as10321: Cvs/walgreens/riteaid do not have bathrooms. At least none that I've ever seen.
asherton04: Interesting... I guess I just assumed that all stores had a public restroom.
as10321: I've had a few too many scares where I falsely assumed CVs had bathrooms.
asherton04: Well, it's very good info for the future!
| 6 | 10.166667 | |
1407347117 | 1407377871 | t3_2ct0v2 | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by impersonating my school, giving a quarter of the students a day off, and being given away by my friend.
So, I don't really know where to start, actually. Uuhhh.
Last Thursday, the power was out for literally half the day at my High School, so at the end of the day the newly acting principal went around to all of the last period classes and told us of the possibility of a Facebook page being made, to announce any school shutdowns for the next day, and later events. The issue with this was that he said they *would* make a page, and didn't see an incoming shitstorm.
After class while we were getting ready to leave, my friend said it would be an awesome idea to make a page before they did, and I somewhat agreed. Of course, at the time, I wasn't actually planning on doing it; I decided to after said friend pestered me about it. I had it all set up, I made a new Email and Facebook account, then proceeded to create the page, schedule a post for the morning, and share it around; it helped that the school never officially made a page.
I woke up in the morning, and just stayed home, waiting for the event to pan out - the post had already been seen by a good fifty people by around 7:00; this escalated to almost 2,000 views, and around 40 shares in an hour, with multiple comments on the page from people spreading it around. I didn't really expect this, it was just going to be a harmless joke, and it became something.
This Monday, I came to school and was instantly swarmed by the type of people you would view as spiteful dicks, making sarcastic comments and questioning or congratulating me - I was escorted to the office before I could even get to first period, and was questioned - I probably would've been fine, too, considering they seemed rather simple. The next day, I was escorted again and was outright told they thought it was me, and that my 'friend' had confirmed it for them. Because of this, I am now in suspension, and am required to write a public apology, along with paying a bill for any costs incurred for that day.
Tl;dr: Pressured into impersonating school by 'friend', scored a quarter of the students a day off, 'friend' then fucked me over and landed me a suspension and a nice bill.
Edit: I know this wasn't inherently *today*, but I would've been annihilated for using the computer. Oh, and any advice about 'friend'?
OldieButNotMoldy: That is not a friend. A friend is someone you can call in the middle of the night and say I think I killed someone and the friend says, shit I'll get the shovel. Find a better friend!!
zenoob: I'd rather say that's an accomplice.
OldieButNotMoldy: Na that's a best friend lol
zenoob: Not too sure about that either.
OldieButNotMoldy: A best friend would anything for you no matter what right, well there you go.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1407347442 | 1407370527 | t3_2ct1h3 | t5_2to41 | 16 | jpcrash5150: TIFU By leaving the windows open last night
It has been hot here in California, very hot. The last couple nights though have been breezy and cool, dipping into the low 70s at night. So I opened up the house when I got home, including my bedroom.
It had been a few days since me and the Mrs. got it cracken plus she has been very stressed out with work so tonight was as good as any. So I set the mood, she came home and cleaned up and we went to it.
It was a night for the history books and it has been months since we had sexy fun time like this. She was in the moment and was very loud. We have a couple roommates in the house but there was loud background noise in the house so I'm not sure what they heard, but we didn't care. A little more than an hour goes by and we clean up.
We lay down on the bed and I feel the breeze from outside on my face and realized, the windows pointing to the street have been opened the whole time. There is no doubt that the neighbors heard on the nice and quiet street. She said, well at least our neighbors know we love each other.
OldieButNotMoldy: Just walk out of your house like a stud. Tell your neighbors ya I'm that damn good! The women are probably jealous and the men are pissed bc you are better than them lol Next thing you know there will be a contest on the block of who can get their girl to scream the loudest.
jpcrash5150: That would be pretty funny. Unfortunately, the ages of my neighbors are.. well.. most of them are single now because of age.
OldieButNotMoldy: They probably couldn't hear you if that's the case lol
| 4 | 4 | |
1407324484 | 1407367476 | t3_2cs14j | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning a transgender boy's eye
TIFU by stabbing a trans kid in the eye. There's this emo and transgender boy at my summer camp who listens to all the same music as I do. Now I'm not emo but, being from a small town and liking pretty controversial music, it was amazing to find someone gay and my age who was into the same stuff. I finally got up the courage to talk to him and we started talking about bands, clothes, school, everything was normal. There was only one problem, I was pretending to be a goth boy. He totally bought it too (Thanks drama club makeup talents) and seemed really interested in me. There was a bonfire tonight for our camp too and so he asked me if I'd like to help him get ready after I was done dressing. After I was done doing my hair and changing into nice (completely black) clothes, I headed to his cabin. He was almost ready too and said all he needed was some help with his makeup, and asked me to put on his eyeliner. I was glad to do so and sharpened the pencil, quickly putting it to his lid. He told me to burn the eyeliner first while it was on the stick so that it would blend better, I listened to him without question since I'm more into sports and didn't know much about makeup. I heated the pencil completely and slowly traced his lid. His eyes were too much so I leaned in for a kiss, I heard him immediately scream "OW OW OW MY EYE!" Caught up in the moment, I was confused. I almost died when I saw what happened. I had just stabbed in and broken off a stick of burning hot eyeliner in this kids eye. He was screaming and his eye and all the surrounding area looked pretty burned from the dripping. He yelled out again "I CAN'T SEE IN MY RIGHT GODDAMN EYE" The camp staff took him to the hospital after he couldn't see nearly an hour later. Needless to say, I never got to help him get dressed, or get anything more. ever again.
MyCreatedAccount: I am confused, so you are a guy and are gay?
twerkforlucifer: Yeah, I'm 16 and male and gay
MyCreatedAccount: Ok, I was not trying to be mean, I just wasn't sure, at first I though you were a girl, but you said the goth kid was gay, so I was too sure. Thank you for replying honestly and nicely.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407348640 | 1407355999 | t3_2ct3or | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by (accidentally) insulting the muslim TV delivery man
This actually happened today, but boy did I fuck up. I am one of those smart assed kind of individuals, who loves messing with people. I love fucking with my family, friends, and especially strangers. I just love people's reactions and that sort of "what the fuck face" they give you when you have a straight face, but they have no Idea youre fucking with them. I guess its sort of a sick way to get entertainment but hey, we're human right?
So anyway my story, my dad just recently bought a new TV and he prepaid for it and asked for it to be delivered today. I got a call from our local electronics store telling me that 2 delivery men would be by in an hour to deliver and install the TV. Having a day off from work and being extremely bored, I decided it would be hilarious to put on my "desert muslim costume" that I had bought for spirit week at my high school the previous year, and pretend to be in the middle of a muslim prayer ritual when they entered my house. This costume was so douchey, I mean, it was complete with the turban, the robes, and it even came with a pubey beard. I then left a note on my door reading "the door is unlocked, please come right in and deliver the TV into my living room." I then slipped on the costume and waited for my "victims" to arrive. Fast forward about 45 minutes, I hear a knock at the door so I grab my portable music player and play desert sounding music, you know , the kind that is typical sounding to people who live in the desert. As the door opens, I start bowing on a yoga mat, chanting random gibberish and putting the word "Alah" after every few words. It didnt take long for the men to notice me as they entered with the tv. As soon as they were in sight, I heard a "what the fuck." I instantly froze to see a middle eastern man staring at me, and he was not happy. His english was not very good but he was yelling a lot of profanities at me. I guess he thought I was mocking him because he then looked at me and yelled 3 times "No TV for asshole!" He and the other guy he was with grabbed the TV and walked out of the door. I tried to explain to the guy that it was just a stupid joke but he turned to me and all he said was "fuck to hell." (I am not a racist person (although sometimes my humor leans in that direction) So I fucked up, and now I get to explain to my dad why there is no new TV in the living room, when he gets home.
d_pinney: I've got news for you, man. You're fucking racist. And not at all funny. Please learn something from this experience and try to be less of a shithead in the future.
HolleWalter: It may have been insulting, but racist? No. He even tried to apologize and got cursed at some more.
d_pinney: Apologizing somehow makes this not racist? That's, uh, interesting logic?
HolleWalter: He targets everyone, not just Muslims. That's why he's not a racist.
d_pinney: Again, there is no logic to this statement. Racist towards all races=racist.
| 6 | 2 | |
1407350665 | 1407358200 | t3_2ct7j2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | dicknibblerdave: TIFU by sitting down to pee.
I'm an older guy and I'm married, and you can use this as an example of the truth that adults don't know what they're doing.
Last night I woke up with what the great philosopher Andrew Dice Clay referred to as a "piss hard on" and I went into the bathroom to take care of it. Now, it's entirely possible to piss with a hard on, no matter what you've learned in Health class, it's just really hard to control in the dark. So I sat down and rested my massive chubby against the rim of the toilet and peed freely.
This morning I woke up and showered, and I kinda felt a little funny down there, but I chalked it up to a fuzzy morning almost-hangover, you get those when you're older. Anyway, I just went to jerk off and my cock really stung when it was set free.
I went into the bathroom to wash it off, and there was a very small but visible angry reddish area on the top of my helmet. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was. I remember the feeling well from my adolescent years when I used to jerk off with soap, but this was very highly localized, and I haven't used soap to beat off in 20 years.
Then it hit me.
Oh shit.
I looked under the rim of the toilet. Traces of blue. That's right. Whoever cleaned the toilet last left residue. I got bowl cleaner on my pecker.
Thankfully, they don't even sell the acid kind in this country so there's no danger of my cock burning off, but I can't think of anything more uncomfortable. Looks like I'm going to have to wait awhile before I can have any sexual activity.
Luckily my wife is on the rag.
Rickrickrickrickrick: Your dick has the blues.
dicknibblerdave: Well it sure doesn't feel smurfy.
frozenanuran: You must be Grouchy.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407346221 | 1407514010 | t3_2csz4w | t5_2to41 | 3 | Numonenig: TIFU By Watching My Brothers House
It wasn't today more like a week ago, but here it goes... I decided to watch my brothers house & dogs. First couple of days went swimmingly, a few poops here and there, but on the third day things got interesting. I brought my GF with me later in the day to watch a movie and chill while they played. I'm a avid THC consumer and take dabs on a regular basis, so like any opportunity that allowed I brought my (rig/whole set up) for a smoke sesh. My GF handled the packing and surprisingly forgot the butane for my torch, and wouldn't you know it just happened to be empty. Now here's where it gets interesting; my brothers smokes as well (I won't say what, he has a reddit and I don't went to divulge too much info). His requires butane torches as well, so I had the brilliant idea of looking for some around his place. Very mundane searching until I got into the bedroom. I searched the dresser and found a mound of sex toys. It was AT LEAST 14 dildos, a hitachi, and a plethora of other things I've never seen. It was one of those "Dafuq I just fucking see" moments... (excuse the grammar & any misspelling as I'm on my phone)
Tldr; Dogsitted/house watched for my brother and while searching for butane to take dabs I discovered my brothers a freak
Edit: I need to add he's married with a wife
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: Or, he has several kinky conservative female friends.
Numonenig: he's married lol
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: One kinky, conservative female friend.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1407351761 | 1407352894 | t3_2ct9lc | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by having unprotected sex.
This happened three hours ago and I have to tell fucking somebody. I'm almost positive he pulled out in time but it was definitely fucking close. It would have been helpful if he didn't seem concerned, but he gave those vibes. I realize not many people give a shit that I'm feeling uneasy and I am aware it's my bad. Haha as soon as it happened, I thought "well, I'll be posting this on tifu..."
USNSwimmer: If you're really concerned grab a plan B pill, no big deal.
EssehJupeh: I was thinking about doing so but I have a weird fear of buying personal products in-store. Like anything past a damn tampon. I have a hormonal condition though and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile anyway. I just would rather not fuck up like this.
USNSwimmer: It's your call, but if feeling uncomfortable is your only dilemma I promise going to a clinic would be way less comfortable as well as expensive, the only thing less comfortable and more expensive is telling your family your having an unplanned child and raising it. Just my .02 on the situation.
EssehJupeh: Yes this is true. Thanks.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407343102 | 1407355148 | t3_2cstb9 | t5_2to41 | 8 | tuframnedox: TIFU by trying to avoid calling a baby ugly
To set the scene: I work for a fairly small organization, about 25 or so employees. Everyone knows everyone else quite well: we know about each other's lives, husbands and wives, kids, out-of-work hobbies and extracurriculars.
One of my coworkers, we'll call her Margaret, brought in her newborn child one afternoon a few months ago. I've always been extremely irritated with the practice, although I know it's commonplace, for a few reasons:
1) Not everyone likes babies.
2) Not everyone likes to have their work day interrupted.
3) Anyone who gets spotted by the proud new parent is required by unwritten law to genuflect and praise the infant.
I love babies. Love 'em. I just don't like the interruption in my day, and I really can't stand the social awkwardness of the entire exchange.
I heard some ladies cooing over the baby down the hallway. I used some tactics I learned in the military (that is, "while playing Metal Gear Solid") to triangulate the sound. It seemed stuck in the hallway that runs parallel to my office.
Unfortunately, the call of nature was a bit louder than the adoration. Now, I generally use the public men's room with the accessible stall instead of one of the private restrooms (look, I like to stretch out in the restroom, plus no one ever uses that one so I can relax in peace). The signal that told my brain "avoid the baby! avoid the baby!" completely disappeared, brought to you by the letter P and the number 1.
In my haste, thanks to the force of habit, I ran right into Margaret and our coworker Peggy.
"tuframnedox!" shouted Peggy. "Come look at the baby."
You mean I have to do this on a full bladder?
I walked over to beaming mama Margaret and duckfaced Peggy going absolutely baby-bonkers over the ugliest infant I have ever seen in my life. She looked like a newborn, female [Wallace Shawn](http://goo.gl/TCgpCS), however "inconthievable" that might sound. I recoiled slightly, said something like "Oh, how lovely," and began to lean back and extricate myself from the situation.
"tuframnedox," said Peggy. "Isn't she just the cutest baby you've ever seen?"
**F-up 1:** Instead of saying yes, agreeing, or not saying anything at all, I told the truth. In so doing, I said the single dumbest thing that has ever come out of my mouth.
"I don't know. I haven't seen *all the babies* yet."
Peggy and Margaret look at me, confused.
**F-up 2:** I said the single dumbest thing that has ever come out of my mouth. Again.
"I just don't have enough evidence. *I haven't seen all the babies yet.*"
Margaret is about to cry, and that's because of F-up 3 (or F-up 0, if you want to be perfectly accurate).
**F-up 3:** I forgot the reason that Margaret was so proud of her little miracle: Her last child died in the middle of delivery.
...
I am now officially the world's biggest jerk. Thank God for Peggy, who diffused the situation thusly:
"Come on, tuframnedox! Don't you know that every baby you see is the cutest baby you've ever seen?"
"Yeah," I managed ... "Uh, I really have to get to the men's room. Thanks for bringing in the baby, Margaret!"
Every time I use the bathroom, I have residual guilt.
TL;DR: I haven't seen all the babies yet.
demystifier: Next time an organic chance to compliment the baby or praise it comes up, do it. If possible, I'd even do it through in a self-depreciating way, "All my awkward jokes aside, I have to say you really have an adorable little kiddo" or something to that effect, even if you are don't believe/don't care/hate kids. I mean, really, who cares, don't be a dick and support the new mom who has had more than her share of tragedy feel good about her kid.
HolleWalter: Agreed. I don't like babies at all, yet I manage to say something friendly and neutral about them.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407352482 | 1407354526 | t3_2ctayg | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by chewing a few too many pieces of nicotine gum in my car . . .
If I've told you this story about myself please keep my identity secret - just text me and ask me if I was the one who posted this. It was the summer of 2012 and I worked in a call center trying to get donations for an organization. I was still living at home at this point and the commute was 45 minutes on average. I have always struggled with dipping tobacco and nicotine gum has been a bit of a safe haven for me to deter my cravings. If you chew nicotine gum you know you can buy 2 milligram and 4 milligram pieces and I had recently upgraded to the 4 mg. I love the rush a fresh piece gives you and so I figured I'd experiment with two - the buzz continued. Let's try three..mm that feels good. All of a sudden I'm six pieces deep and my forehead feels the warmest most beautiful sensation. Now there are a lot of stories on reddit about people shitting their pants but trust me, unless you've done this no one has exploded as unexpectedly and abruptly as I did in this moment. As I was unaware of the chocolately side effect I was startled and my body which was bombarded with nicotine rejected the liquid stew almost instantaneously. If your reading this snap your fingers once and that is the amount of time it took for about 1.5 measuring cups of content to be released from my bum. All stimulants can cause this effect and nicotine is certainly a stimulant. At this point work starts in 20 minutes and I've been late one too many times. I immediately called my brother - best friend in the world- who suggested I stop at a TJ maxx to invest in a new pair. I think he underestimated the amount of liquid stool that was caked in between my ass and my boxer shorts because browsing the underwear section for my size and waiting in the checkout line was simply not an option. I ended up waddling my way into my place of works' lobby bathroom and doing the best I could with hot water and paper towels. It was a serious repair job and while I think I did well, the scent was likely evident to others as we worked in close quarters and I seem to remember some eye brow raising.
Tl; dr : stuffed my mouth full of nicotine gum in rush hour traffic on i95 and my body reacted accordingly.
EssehJupeh: That was hilarious. I was unaware that nicotine gum was capable of producing Hershey squirts.
TheDerp14: Mmm... the taste of sweet, gooey, Hershey squirts.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407352483 | 1407461759 | t3_2ctayk | t5_2to41 | 459 | Touchin_Butts: TIFU by telling a girl I didn't want to go with her to prom anymore
Well here it is...the pinnacle fuck up of my life. Prepare your anus for a nice....long....story :)
So a little bit of background. Back during my senior year of high school I was best friends with a girl who lived in my neighborhood.(lets call her Jane) We were inseparable and always hung out during and after school. Anyways, we both knew that we both had feelings for each other, in fact we dated for a week before realizing it was to weird seeing as we've been friends for so long. But this just made our friendship stronger. Anyways during the middle of the school year, we get into a fight and stop talking and hanging out. During that time I started hooking up with a girl(lets call her Sara) in the grade below us.
This is where the fuck up begins. Apparently Jane hates this girls guts. Sara knows that she hates her and makes things much worse than they actually were. Behind my back Sara tells everyone that I talk a lot of shit about Jane. Also around this time, everyone was asking people to prom, so stupid me asks Sara to prom.
Fast forward to 3 weeks before prom, and my "relationship" with Sara is going awful. This chick is constantly complaining about everything, talks shit about her friends behind their back and much much more. But that worst thing she does is bringing up my friendship with Jane ALL THE TIME. I'm talking like at least twice a day. She'll say things along the line of "why would you be friends with her", "shes ugly" ya know? stupid teenage girl stuff. I got so fed up with Sara that I went to Janes house and apologized and asked her if we could be friends again. Thankfully she said yes and then proceeded to tell me all the stuff that Sara had told people. After hearing all of the fucked up shit she told people I called Sara and told her it was over and that I wasn't going to prom with her anymore.
Now the fun stuff begins....
Sara immediately starts freaking out yelling at me saying "Oh how could you do this to me?" and "what did I do wrong". I told her how she was manipulative and a complete cunt (yes I told her she was a cunt). I could've handled the situation better but my teenage brain was full of anger. So the next day I get a call from her mother..HER MOTHER, asking me why I told her daughter I didn't want to go to prom with her. Her mom forced me to stay on the phone until I changed my mind (which thank god I didn't), but I was like fuck that and hung up on her. So the next day I get a call from Sara saying she's going to drive her car into a tree if I don't take her to prom. I tell her to stop being an idiot and to never call or text me again and promptly hang up. Apparently, something in Sara's brain must've came loose because according to her "never text or call again" means blow up my phone/facebook/twitter with a fuck ton of messages asking me why I'm ignoring her or asking me to go out. The messages switched from trying to get me back to acting like nothing happened. I just ignored everything and was waiting for it all to be over.
Now a few days go by without an incident....until.... my dad gets a phone call from her dad....REALLY?... screaming into the phone demanding that my dad pay for Saras prom dress. (now my dad at the time didn't know what was going on).. I tell him what happened and he agrees that he's only going to pay half so they'll get off my back. So my dad sends them half of the money, but that just wasn't enough. My dad is getting phone calls from this guy demanding the rest of the money. So my dad being the kind of guy that takes no bullshit, goes to this guys house and threatens that if he doesn't leave us alone, he's going to get a restraining order. That apparently did the trick because we never heard from them ever again.
Anyways I guess its true when they say every cloud has a silver lining because my best friend Jane (remember her?) actually asked ME to prom. I of course said yes and we had a great time together. We're now engaged and have a child on the way :)
Thank you for reading this extremely long story
also sorry for any bad grammar and shenanigans like that
TL:DR I tell a girl I don't want to go to prom with her, her whole family starts harassing me and my dad
EDIT: totes forgot to mention that this happened years ago. Please don't hurt me.... I don't know how to reddit :(
isahut: #####WIN#####
FalconerGuy: #####I FORGOT THIS WORKED HERE
CAPTtttCaHA: #####Oh wow, this is fun. ಠ_ಠ
ashgtm1204: How do you do that?
braindoper: Type ##### as the first characters of the post. Tip: If you use the Reddit Enhancement Suite, you can always check out the source of a comment to figure it out yourself.
ashgtm1204: #####Thank you!!
EDIT: ok now it worked! I didn't realize it looks different in the messages screen
Valkonn: #####PREPARE YOUR ANUS
Emperor_Nihilist: #####THIS LOOKED LIKE FUN
ashgtm1204: #####IT IS FUN
Emperor_Nihilist: #####BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB
ashgtm1204: Did you mean one boob or two?
| 12 | 38.25 | |
1407353177 | 1407390562 | t3_2ctc9n | t5_2to41 | 9 | seinfeldpoetry: TIFU by burning my vag with anti-dandruff shampoo
So this happened a few years ago actually. A friend of mine told me anti-dandruff shampoo works really well to get rid of spots on your hairline. The next time I shower I find my dad's super strong anti-dandruff shampoo and put it in my hair.
It comes out thick and dark red and smells really strongly of tires. You're supposed to leave the shampoo in for 5 minutes so I do but during that time I realize this stuff looks exactly like blood. So of course, I pretend to have a gun shot wound and smear it all over my stomach, wobbling about for effect, gasping, etc. 5 minutes well spent!
Then my scalp starts tingling, which it warned me on the bottle so I am unconcerned, resume blood-bath enactment. Tingling turns into burning and burning escalates into something is very very wrong here, get this fire shit off my head.
Distracted by the pain I forget about the "blood" on my stomach which gets washed down by the shower into my vag. Add another five minutes and it feels like I fucked the the devil.
Horrible.
TehCameraGuy: XD acting like you got shot lmao.....might i as how old you are?
seinfeldpoetry: I was 17 at the time
TehCameraGuy: lol at 17 you pretend to be shot in the shower XD thats awesome haha also...your poor vag
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407352731 | 1407359638 | t3_2ctbg6 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Strakker: TIFU By unintentionally stripping in front of 5th graders
"I am so fucking gangster"
That was the thought running through my white , suburban-raised mind as I sprinted in gym class with the soccer ball. Now this was a small school where everyone knew everyone. I was the tall, lanky, awkward, yet surprisingly athletic kid. I loved gym class so much and looked forward to it every day. We were playing soccer, and I fucking love soccer. *Edit: I was in 5th grade at the time, so it wasn't today
I remember as a kid, when I dribbled the ball while running, I got into this "power stance". Yeah, I actually called it a power stance. Looking back at pictures of my "power stance" along with testimonials from my family, it turns out I looked like a ape-like hunchback trying to karate chop the ground while running.
So back to gym. I had the ball. Feeling good. Time for power stance. Bad idea. I had on those track pants that button down the sides. So I am pumping my arms like a madman, when my hand hooks one of the spaces in between the buttons. My arm had the momentum of a crazed karate chop, and ripped the front of the track pants off my body and right at a defender, who caught them and looked at me with my Incredible Hulk boxers (which I later claimed "just had green cars on them" god the one day I wore those...).
Dead silence. I prayed for anyone to laugh, cry, say something. I'm red as an irritated hemorrhoid and trying to cover my long lanky legs with half a pair of pants. Then my wish was granted. Someone said something. My crush. She said "are those hulk boxers?" and sniggered. Nopenopenope. Then my oldest and best friend, who is still my wingman sprints over and buts his back to me, shielding my pale thighs from the eyes of my classmates. The defender tossed me back my pants and it took what felt like 3 years to put them back on. I later found out it looked like I went ape shit and chucked my pants at the defender to distract him. I was slightly scarred and didn't really enjoy gym for the rest of the year, but all in all I embarrassed myself in front of the people that I recently graduated high school with.
I believe that was the death of power stance. And track pants. Fuck those.
BigBobsBootyBarn: R.I.P.S.
Rest in Power Stance
Strakker: Trick question. Resting is impossible in power stance. If you aren't running like a maniac you aren't in power stance.
TheDerp14: Thanks for the tip.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1407353576 | 1407372751 | t3_2ctd10 | t5_2to41 | 9 | drspiff11: TIFU by showing my mom shrek is love, shrek is life
So a few days ago, I was talking to my mom and my sister about the internet. My little sister is just starting to go on reddit and other sites and I was warning her of the obvious. "Don't go on tumbr. Its a ton of girls who think the guy that held the door for them is part of the patriarchy. Dont go on nsfw." ect. The problem started when I was talking about 4chan. I was really making a point across not to go on 4chan and the words "Someone on 4chan made shrek is love, shrek is life." slipped out of my mouth. That greentext/SFM video had been on my mind because I had recently gone to a summer camp with some kids who wouldn't shut up about it. As soon as I said it, I told my mom not to look it up in a very stern voice and thought that would solve the dilemma. Stupid me.... I was in another conversation with my sister and suddenly, in the corner of my eye, I see this mortified look on my mom's face and I can faintly hear the monotone voice of the video.
tl;dr I was warning my sister of bad sites to go on and my mom looked up shrek is love, shrek is life.
lizmaebrooks: That's not all Tumblr is..
[deleted]: Yes it is, don't try to sugar coat it.
lizmaebrooks: Do you use Tumblr? Obviously not. Because all I ever see on Tumblr is porn, sarcastic text posts, and pictures of dudes in bands. So, no sugar coating. Just truth.
Waifu4Laifu: What you see on Tumblr is based on who you follow. So obviously you don't see anything you don't want to.
lizmaebrooks: I just think it's fucking stupid to generalize the whole group by the actions of a few radicals.
[deleted]: I think its stupid to even use such a shitty website, what do you think about that?
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1407349894 | 1407498360 | t3_2ct611 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by gambling with happiness
Longtime lurker, first time poster...
I never thought i'm gonna post something on here, but here's my story:
I think my bf just broke up with me in a rage yesterday, eventhough i really hope he doesn't mean it. I love him very much but i seem to bring only difficulties into his life.
Today my father came into my room and told me out of nowhere he probably wants to move out, which means my parents would get divorced. I am most likely ok with it mentally... but financially there's a problem: he told me i maybe couldn't move out and study at the university of my choice if he leaves my mother. I don't want to talk to anyone whom i know about this... so that's the main reason i'm posting it here.
This is the last week of my summer vacation. I haven't started working on my paper yet (i'm starting my final high school year) because i am lazy and procrastinating the shit out of everything... I wanted to begin to improve but now i'm only seeing my dreams and hopes crumble in front of me and i am realizing how much i had/have before i lost/am gonna lose it.
The only thing i managed so far is to force myself starting to study and annoy my best friend who isn't responding to me anymore, so i have no one to talk to right now...
I don't know how to feel. I just know that i have to force myself doing anything productive so i keep myself distracted from any negative thoughts. :/
Thanks to anyone who reads this
I'm sorry for any faults since English isn't my native language.
Update:
I talked with my bf and he wants to try again with me and i am very happy and relieved...
TheEnKrypt: > I don't want to talk to anyone whom i know about this
I'm know you're not going through a great time right now, but I would really advise you to go against this and talk to someone. Talking to people you are close to and someone who could understand and empathize with your situation would really help.
It doesn't necessarily have to be your parents or boyfriend. Any friend or relative whom you trust could play that part. If you really believe that you have been robbed of certain opportunities from what has happened to you, I'd suggest thinking about what other possibilities, choices or alternatives are left at your disposal. Talk this through with someone as well.
All in all, I don't think you're entirely responsible here for your misfortune. Cheer up and good luck!
[deleted]: Thank you :)
I don't have any other relatives or friends who would understand my situation since most of them don't even know yet what they want to do after high school. They won't understand how much i want to go to this specific college. For them it's not such a huge problem to do something else as for instance a gap year... For me on the other hand, i don't think i would ever be content with how things would work out if i'm not gonna be able to study where i want. I won't give up and try my best from now on again.. study hard and maybe i will find a way and hopefully my parents stay together... at least for a while now :/
TheEnKrypt: > I won't give up and try my best from now on again
We're all glad that you've made this decision.
I read your update. Looks like things are looking brighter for you. Keep working on your goals and I hope you get into your college. All the best!
[deleted]: Thanks again, i'm glad some ppl wrote me on here...
I wish you the best to in your life :)
Hopefully we reach both our goals
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1407355610 | 1407541102 | t3_2ctgs4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Prophete: TIFU Bad.
Literally happened 2 seconds ago....I'm trying sooooo hard to hold composure here. So. In the past couple of months I have managed to accumulate $1135 in tickets. Cars under my dads name so in an attempt to try and knock off a couple of tickets, we go to see a judge and contest a couple. We set up a plan where I show her a couple photos of where I parked and hopefully it helps. He goes in first and I sit in the lobby plotting what I'm going to say until dad comes and gets me. We step in, I say ho, we get to the nitty gritty. She ask if I have photos so I say yes and pull out my phone. I turn it so that all 3 of us are facing the screen and click gallery. First image that pops up is a nice black Ass being spread open and a large cock that's about to breach and clear. The night prior I was watching porn and never exited the video, so it just resumed in my gallery. Yay. Immediately I retract and try to navigate away but its too late. The judge (older black lady) won't even look me in the eye and my dad is communicating through his eyes that I'm a fucking idiot. I find the pictures, show them and am asked to leave. Ended up doing nothing. She was a real hard Ass so no lateness deductions, the photos missed info so that weren't admissible. So basically I was just asked in to show my porn preference and leave. Fucking A.
Kespatcho: Maybe she recognized her daughter's ass.
OldieButNotMoldy: Plot twist, It was her ass.
Prophete: Plot twist: it was my ass
OldieButNotMoldy: Wonder what would of happen if it were a pic of a Hippopotamuses ass instead.
Prophete: One of life's great questions.
OldieButNotMoldy: Lmao
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1407354839 | 1407401941 | t3_2ctfbu | t5_2to41 | 165 | Ignitrous: TIFU my manscaping (NSFW)
So I'm a typical guy - or at least I think I am. I like keep the twig and berrys shaved, keeps things looking nice for the wife.(BJ's are amazing when you have shaved balls imo..) My friend is getting married soon and we had a conversation at work about his preparation for his wedding night. (His g/f and him decided to be abstinent for the last year or so prior to getting married) So he tells me about picking up some Nair and taking care of his manscaping. I of course thought this INCLUDED his balls because who wouldn't, right?
Flash forward to 2 weeks later I'm at the local store and passing the grooming section of the store. I immediately remember I needed a new razor for my balls. Go down the isle and see a Nair Bikini "Kit" - Great! I had forgot about trying this out... and it has everything I need to easily keep my balls silky smooth. $8.99! Less than a razor pack of refills! I read the back and it seemed straight forward. It says Bikini on the bottle so for sure i can use it on my delicates.
Next morning I get up and go to shower. I pull the bottle out from behind all the others (hiding it from my wife...she's always jacking my razors - she's not getting my nair!) I read the instructions one more time. It says I need to time how long I have this on. Well we better be safe cause I dont want to damage my cock and balls...I'll put pandora on because a typical song is about 3-3.5 minutes. So divide 12 minutes by 3 and thats 4 songs. Great. I hit play and started applying the nair with the sponge. Swiped that shit across my chest (over my nipples) and then proceeded to apply to all hairy areas of my cock zone.
Now the instructions say I can get in the shower and shower normally, washing this off after cleaning my self off. So while my "timer" is playing some Van halen, I do the normal lather, rinse, repeat. 4th song is coming up, seems like there's a bit of a tingly burn going on...time to wash this gunk off! Start clearing off the chest first and it kind of hurts...the more I try to wipe it off with this stupid ass sponge the more it hurts. I try to wipe my nipples off and its unbearable!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I gently start clearing off the skin around my cock and its not hurting too bad so I take the sponge and from taint to the bottom of my dick..I pull that stupid sponge up to see what it's cleared off and its all bloody!!!! OMG, omg omg omg omg omg omg...wash it off - WASH IT OFF! I'm grabbing the shower head and pointing it directly at my balls, the hot water hurts so bad! I turn it to cold and I'm grabbing for the bottle for poison control or misuse instructions. There aren't any!! What the eff type of company is this?! I do see in my extensive, and painful, reading that you aren't to use this product on sensitive areas, genitals or nipples.....its not in BOLD, Italic...this shit doesn't stand out at ALL! By now there's a steady stream of blood rushing down the drain and i've resorted to rubbing conditioner (thinking acid needs a base to make it go away..thanks science...) all over my balls to try and make the burn go away and to help it stop bleeding everywhere. I'm thinking to myself, "For sure i'm going to have to drive my ass to the ER in a homemade diaper and explain to a Doctor, who is probably also female, why she has to now amputate my favorite appendage."
After a few more minutes the bleeding had stopped probably from the near ice cold water I had been spraying on them. There was still a major burning sensation. My delicates didn't look abnormal. Balls never really look 'normal' anyway. So I throw a pair of boxers on and a shirt. Soon as that shirt hit my nipples they began to bleed. I thought my balls were the biggest problem but NO, my nipples were erect and pissed the fuck off!!! I slowly tried to maneuver my way out of that tight ass shirt but every movement just hurt worse. It hurt so bad I had to take that day and the next day off work so I could sit around topless to deal with the nipple pain. Sitting was also off the table. My balls still burned.
Worst of it was, it didn't even get rid of the hair. I had to use a dull razor to clean up all the patches that didn't get chemically removed.
My pain - your pleasure.
umop_episdn_: I'm actually pretty sure Nair is a high base. Like between 10 and 12. So you would have been better off putting acid on there.
Braakman: If this doesn't belong in /r/ShittyLifeProTips i don't know what does.
KoNP: He's right, though. Vinegar would have prevented the nair from doing any further damage because it's made of sodium hydroxide and calcium hydroxide.
However, then he'd have to deal with the feeling of tipping vinegar on open wounds. Which is a whole other fuckup he could write about.
Braakman: I'm aware it's valid information, it's your second paragraph that makes it shitty.
| 5 | 33 | |
1407342137 | 1407380573 | t3_2csrkp | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally including a porn tape in a business order
I had some video tapes that I needed to transfer to digital files. I thought they were all business items but somehow one of the unmarked tapes was of me and my girlfriend doing unspeakable things on camera.
I found out today because one of the tapes that got returned had a note that it contained "inappropriate material" FUUUUUCK!
I want to hide under a rock.
OldieButNotMoldy: Unspeakable things, like killing puppies or what? You do know you can just say fucking on the Internet right lol
centralnjbill: Funny thing is I'm having a completely different reaction to this than anything I've had before. Hell, there are naked pictures of me on Reddit and I'm not shy at an orgy...but somehow this left me far more exposed.
I guess it doesn't help that these people know me outside the internet...well, now they know more than I think they wanted and I realize why no one really made eye contact with me when I picked up the order.
OldieButNotMoldy: There's naked pictures of you on Reddit you say hmmm. Jk lol. Then knowing you outside of work is a problem but accidents happen and they will forget over time. Just act normal with them and they will believe it's no big deal.
centralnjbill: Yeah, it's probably more my own anxiety than anything else. My guess is that I'm not the first.
OldieButNotMoldy: But maybe yours is the best, for all you know they weren't looking at you because your like a legend there.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1407357050 | 1407362082 | t3_2ctjey | t5_2to41 | 2 | TIreallyFU: TIFU by telling a dead baby joke
I used to work in a hotel where there was staff accommodation and because of the randomness of days off (weekends were never Saturday and Sunday. Or two days in a row.) you would spend your time off with the people you live and work with. Even marriage doesn't require that commitment to a person. So naturally you can get quite close to the people you live, work and play with.
I was very close to this particular chef who had a girlfriend but referred to me as his bromance. At one point he even said (jokingly) that he was getting confused who he would rather marry between his girlfriend and me. Which, as someone who didn't consider himself to be one of the popular kids and was never very easy around other guys' company, as something of a compliment. At last... I had found a guy I could finally call my best friend.
One night there was him, me and this other guy all smoking weed, enjoying each others' company after stressful shift, consuming a couple of beers and playing PlayStation when things started getting deep. At one point my friend, the chef, regaled us with a story about how he had a brother but he was stillborn and how badly it affected his mother and therefore his life.
For some sick, messed up reason this reminded me of a terrible dead baby joke that I knew and for some even more sick, messed up reason I decided in my stoned and drunken state that this was the perfect moment to tell them my "joke". After delivering the punch line I was too fucked in the head to realise what an insensitive, idiotic, stupid prick I was and laughed uncontrollably at my own joke. I couldn't understand until the sobriety of the next day why they didn't find it as funny as I did so continued guffawing at my own joke in the awkward silence that followed.
But then karma has a way of being a bitch, doesn't it? Nothing was ever said about that night or the joke and I left the job soon after (because I went on to do a post grad, not because of this incident) but a few months later I returned to spend my birthday with the people who had become close friends, including the chef. The morning after my birthday night out the chef had to come from the hotel and find me (the staff accommodation had no cell phone reception) to tell me that my cousin, who I was very close to, had been killed in a car crash.
I've never been able to apologise to him for what I said, even though I knew the next morning that I deserved to have my throat ripped out and my testicles cut with a rusty blade. But I've often wondered for the last eight years if what happened to my cousin was in some messed up cosmological way a result of that terrible "joke" that I shared. Kind of, life's way of teaching me what it's like to lose someone you love so much.
TL;DR: Someone told me a baby died, I made a dead baby joke, don't mix weed with alcohol, karma bites.
Yourmothersmoist: Have to ask.. what was the joke?
TIreallyFU: I'm in two minds as to whether or not I should post it, hence why it's not in the original post. I've never said it again since then and wish I'd never heard it.
Yourmothersmoist: I suppose I understand haha.
But I don't think a poor taste in judgment resulted In the death of a cousin. Surely if karma played a role your cousins karma would have had an effect also? I don't know though.
TIreallyFU: Oh, I agree about the karma thing. Perhaps I didn't write that properly. I don't blame myself for what happened. It's just ironic that the guy who I made this joke to after telling us something horrific and devastating had to come and tell me something equally horrific an devastating a few months later.
| 5 | 0.4 | |
1407359042 | 1407522107 | t3_2ctn5e | t5_2to41 | 6 | oookayla: TIFU by showing my mom a picture of my ass and vag
Literally happened like 2 minutes ago, I think my mom is still recuperating.
I was taking pictures on my photobooth with my sister, and I called my mom over to come look at them 'cause my sister was so cute. I clicked next because I thought there were more, but there wasn't, and my mother came face to face with my vag and ass. QQ
[deleted]: Then mom says "that looks just like mine when I was your age but with much less hair"
oookayla: then my mom laughed and left abruptly.
[deleted]: Well its not like she has never seen your clam before. Although now she knows you send pics of it over the interweb.
oookayla: meh i don't think she's surprised
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407354182 | 1407438358 | t3_2cte3k | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by stealing a pack of gum
This story will sound ridiculous; that is because it is. It happened my sophomore year of college.
This kid I went to school with, Joe, was a good friend of mine. He got caught smoking weed a few times, got in trouble with the school and police multiple times for multiple reasons, and eventually got kicked out of housing. Lucky for him his parents are filthy rich so he got an apartment right near the school. I visited him often to smoke and shoot the shit. One day we walked to the convenient store right down the road so he could buy a blunt. I had no money on me at the time, and I wanted gum. So when the cashier wasn't looking, I took a pack of gum and put it in my pocket and left with Joe.
Maybe a week or two went by and the pack of gum was long gone. This day, I was burn cruising with my friend Al and heading back to campus. We had packed a full bowl and planned on driving back to campus and munching out at the commons (oh and I'll say it ahead of time; go fuck yourself if you're only going to comment on me driving while high; suck it). We are approaching the entrance to the school, and I am fucking *ripped* out of my mind, when I get a phone call from "Unknown." I answer, and the call went something like this:
"Hey i_go_to_uri, this is detective so and so from the xxxxxxx PD. Your friend Joe has been acting almost suicidal lately and having life threatening thoughts. I was hoping you would like to meet and have a word about it."
Word for word, it sounded absolutely nothing like that. Basically, they convinced me my friend was going to kill himself so I stupidly agreed to meet up with them by saying, "Yeah I'm on campus near the commons, where are you?" They were nearby so I would meet them at the commons. Me and Al park and start walking inside. They weren't around, so I figured we could eat first and meet them later. Halfway up the stairs inside I get a call from the same guy saying he is outside. Al didn't want to stick around so he went to eat. I went outside, high as a fucking kite, wearing sweatpants, boots, and a shirt with Peter Griffin's face on it with dreadlocks in a rasta color scheme.
I greet him and say hey what's going on man. He walks towards me and says, "put your hands behind your back." So there I was, fucking rush hour lunch time outside of the commons, getting arrested for god knows what, and I was smoking a bowl roughly two minutes before it all happened so I probably reeked still. I get in the back of the unmarked cruiser, and the guy that greeted me wasn't even driving - he had a buddy with him. *Two* fucking local detectives were on the hunt for the gum bandit. Right as he gets in and shuts the door he yells, "*A fucking pack of gum?!?!*" That's when I realized why they arrested me - it took me a second to remember the gum incident, and I almost wanted to laugh at them. But I just said like "oh, uh, yep." So whatever they book me, I get a court date and Joe picks me up and we smoke a fat blunt together that day.
Court was fine; paid a tiny fine and it was all good. The god damn public defender though oh man. He helped out everyone he could that day, and when it was me standing in front of the judge he was standing next to me listening to her speak. She rattles off my crime in detail which I'm sure got a few laughs from the other scrubs sitting around. The defender leans in real close to my ear and whispers, "A fucking pack of gum?!?!" I whisper back, "uhh.. yep."
Oh the kicker is days after the fact when people who happened to be at the commons that day come up to me and be like dude is everything ok?!
TLDR: Stole pack of gum, two detectives convince me to meet with them about supposed suicidal friend, they arrest me in front of hundreds of people, it was a big fucking joke.
OldieButNotMoldy: So your the big bad gum bandit that all the wanted posters are about. I'm glad they got you we are not safe with ppl like you out there geez.
i_go_to_uri: I am a true menace to society
Phoneking13: Did it help your street cred?
i_go_to_uri: Yea dude it's like all old people that live in that town. Nobody fucks with me anymore.
| 5 | 3 |
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