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1407359439 | 1407363622 | t3_2ctnw9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | herkaburger: TIFU by letting my dogs outside. Second degree burns ensued.
**TL;DR - My dog's a fuck, sprints while I have the rope part of the leash in my hand, and teleports a part of my hand to the Ninth Plane of Hell, giving me a second degree burn.**
Alright, so here it is. I am letting my dogs outside, which I do every hour or so. I don't have a fenced in yard, so I have to use these three retractable leashes.
One of my three dogs is a little Min-Pin (Miniature Doberman Pincer) and doesn't roam, but I use a leash anyway, because he is a dick to the other dogs, and will go jump on them and bark with his annoying little bark. The second dog, my moms Pug, is a curious little fucker, and likes to venture out into the great land beyond the yard.
The third dog, the culprit, the inspiration to this post, my dog, a 2 year old Husky/Pit mix, is a 70 pound horse, and thinks life's a motherfucking game, and will play tag the minute he gets off the leash, so I would have to chase him around until I catch him. My dog also has a nasty habit of stopping, then going "IT'S FUCKING PLAYTIME, BITCH!" and he starts a dead sprint around the yard.
Well, last night I'm letting them out, and everything's coming up Milhouse when my dogs shift around, and the leashes start to twist up, meaning they won't retract properly. So, I start untangling them, keeping all the handles in my right hand, as I am grabbing these [flat rope things that connect the dogs to the handle](http://imgur.com/FZ0Vlmj), the actual leash part, with my left hand. That's when my dog decided that he needed to run the God-damn New York Marathon.
FUCK.
The pain, was fucking INSANE. This fuzzy bastard just made that flat rope, which was in my closed bare hand, go like mach 3 across the part of my hand between my index and thumb. INSTANT second degree burn. I make them go in, bathe the thing in cool water for 5 minutes, spray some burn relief on it, bandage, then Ace Wrap. Woke up today with a blister the size of a nickel on my hand. No way in hell am I letting this thing pop...
IWillTrollU: Pop it, drain it, then put some Bacitracin or Neosporin on it. Two days, it'll be healed.
herkaburger: Oh god, but popping it will hurt so fucking bad...
Also, I've read that you are supposed to not pop it. I'll have to mull this over.
EDIT: After further investigation, it would appear you're not supposed to pop blisters. The liquid in the blister is plasma, and that helps heal the burn as well as protect it from infection. At least, that's what the medical articles I have been reading say.
IWillTrollU: I've seen vids on Youtube where the doctors do exactly that when you show up for the visit. Except they will charge you over $200 bucks.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1407356025 | 1407389929 | t3_2cthjc | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying, "It's really dead up here."
I work as a supervisor in the kitchen of a local hospital. Our department supplies complementary 'comfort trays' to friends and family of the recently deceased. Basically, if your mom or dad or cousin bites the big one, we give you free coffee and a basket with a Snickers bar in it to ease the pain. I don't know, seems kind of a raw deal but they can't all be winners. Anyway, last night I had to personally hand deliver a comfort tray to a particular floor. When I got there, I realized the entire nurses station was empty save one Unit Clerk. This was weird and unusual for that time of night. So, holding a sad basket for a just-dead guys' family, I accidentally said out loud: It's really dead up here.
...
...
Yikes
Rickrickrickrickrick: I have no patients for your puns!
Allthehigherground: I.C.what.U. did there.
| 3 | 8 | |
1407360778 | 1407434630 | t3_2ctqef | t5_2to41 | 84 | thizzwhyipost: TIFU but not investigating where those ants were coming from
This literally just happened
My life has been a touch crazy lately with having to rush my husband to the ER and staying with him at the hospital for the last week. But today I had a break. He was well enough for me to go home for a bit to freshen up and grab some things he had requested.
So here I am, drooling over the fact that I can have a long, leisurely shower and - guess what - take the time to actually brush my teeth. Hallelujah. Not only that, but I decide I will take the time to use my electric toothbrush and not my manual one for using in the shower at random times.
I go to grab my electric toothbrush and notice a few little ants hanging around. No big deal - the bathroom hasn't been used in days, they are probably just on an exploratory mission. Those little stragglers that were hanging on were going to have a play a new game of survivor and strategize how to get off the brush before I blasted them with the shower.
Cue long lovely hot shower and the scrubbing of teeth the likes of which they have never seen before. After my frenzy I notice a touch of scum where the brush head screws into the little motor part. So, hey, I have my manual toothbrush there, might as well get in and give the brush mechanism a good scrubbing as well.
As soon as I unscrewed the brush head hundreds and hundreds of ants, ant eggs and 'nesting' material come pouring out of the cavity. Its like the ashes of nuclear fallout its so pervasive.
Natually, I flung that shit across the shower and a fireworks spray of ant matter is now across the walls, the shower curtain, the pumice stone and all my sweet smelling bubbly things. Including my formerly freshly scrubbed body.
So now my expensive electric toothbrush has been thoroughly submerged and we will have to wait and see if it survived the cleansing. Guess it also means I now have to find time to bring Armageddon down onto an ant-pocalypse.
But first I have to put clothes on and head back to the hospital. Death to Ants will have to wait...
leisiko: How does this even happen?!
thizzwhyipost: I honestly have no idea. The seal is waterproof but apparently not ant proof. Sad thing is I went back to put it back on the charger and there were a few dozen confused looking ants wandering around. Like I just destroyed an entire civilization and they are saying "What do you mean they're gone, Frank? How can a whole village just disappear? ?"
The_Goodkat: What is this from?
thizzwhyipost: Not sure it's from anything in particular. Or maybe it's exactly what they were actually saying and I have ant-empathy
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1407360950 | 1407366021 | t3_2ctqqd | t5_2to41 | 11 | Run4restRun: TIFU by drinking my coffee, smoking a cig and looking at my phone
So I was standing outside of my office today after getting an iced coffee and wanted to smoke a cig before going inside. Normally, when smoking a cig, I look at my phone during that time. However, this morning I had a coffee as well, so I decided to do some multi-tasking with my hands. I had my phone and cig in one hand (cig was in between my two fingers) while the coffee was in the other hand. Now at this point it is probably good to let you know that the iced coffee had a straw coming out of it.
I lit my cig and took a few drags. I then became entranced by some article and was really into it. While reading I decided I was getting somewhat parched and decided to take a sip of my coffee. While bringing my coffee hand towards my facehole, I never took my eyes off the screen knowing that I have done this throughout most of my life and am such an expert I do not need to watch my hands approach my mouth when eating/drinking. However, out of the corner of my focus, I saw the cig in my hand. I was still mostly focused on what I was reading, but my mind sub-consciously thought of the cig and as the straw hit my lips, I thought it was the cig. I sipped/dragged a huge gulp of coffee into my mouth and even though it was ice cold and tasted like coffee, it still never hit me that I was drinking my coffee. As I pulled the straw away from my mouth, I instinctively took in a huge hurricane-worth of air (like you do when smoking to push the smoke down further) and realized what I had just done. I instantly feel the burn in my lungs as some of it had gone down and i start coughing up the coffee from my mouth and nose. In the process I drop my coffee on the ground which splashes all over my work shoes. I now have coffee dripping from around my mouth/nose area as if i was the Hannibal Lecter of coffee drinks, have coffee on my shirt from it dripping down, have coffee on my shoes and have my coffee all over the ground outside the door. At least I still had my cig and phone
TL;DR I almost drowned in coffee
thursday_13: Life Pro Tip: Stop being such a douche to existence and quit smoking.
Run4restRun: Wow. Never heard myself or someone else say this before.
thursday_13: I've lost a lot of family to lung cancer. It costs society billions in losses (real and emotional). It's the single most useless drug commonly distributed as it has no actual health benefits. I'm being a dick about it, but I won't apologize. Maybe I'll be the voice that you finally hear and I change your life.
Run4restRun: I couldn't agree more with you. I hate that I started when I was young and naive. I along with others have told me to stop and I can for a little, but then always make excuses. Wish I never started
EDIT: Thanks for the downvotes for agreeing with him?
thursday_13: I upvoted you. Because I think you can quit.
Run4restRun: Thanks! I'm hoping so as well
thursday_13: (now I feel bad for being a dick)
Run4restRun: Haha it's chill. You were being a thoughtful/caring dick
| 9 | 1.222222 | |
1407361409 | 1407395947 | t3_2ctrjq | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by badly hurting my jelly donuts during sex NSFW
Technically, this happened a couple of months ago, but I shall tell you anyways. Also, there is somewhat of a lengthy setup, but bear with me.
My fiancé and I have a great sex life, however we don’t get the chance to be intimate as often as we would like. I’m currently in college living in a dorm, and she lives about a thirty minute drive away. Due to financial circumstances, when we want to get together, she usually has to be the one to travel here. Well, my dorm mate only leaves the dorm once a week (on Fridays) to go see his family, so we essentially only have that one day out of the week to do the down and dirty. By the time that Friday comes, I’m usually very horny from the whole week’s worth of sexual anticipation, as is my fiancé.
Well, this one particular Friday, she arrives right at the moment that my dorm mate leaves. Both of us had the same thing on our minds and we start to go right at it. We are making out, ripping clothes off, and things quickly made their way to the bed where we began having sex.
Now, the bed in my dorm isn’t exactly optimized for having sex in. In fact, it’s the absolute worst. My dorm room is extremely small and, in order to save space, my bed is raised about six feet in the air (this is the highest that it can be adjusted) so that my desk can fit neatly underneath. As a result of this, the ceiling is about two and a half feet away from the top of the bed. In addition to this twin-sized bed being so uncomfortably close to the ceiling, there are also metal pipes running overhead. Although it is quite difficult to have sex on the bed, it is the most comfortable spot, and we have come up with some pretty creative positions that don’t cause either of us to give each other a concussion on the pipes lurking above.
So we climb up onto the bed, both naked, and she pushes me into the “bottom” position. She tells me that she wants to ride me and, although I am usually the dominant one in the bedroom, I find it very hot for her to be on top so I have no problem abiding. Due to this cramped space up on the bed, though, there isn’t enough room for her to ride me in the usual way, or else she’ll be hitting her head on the ceiling/pipes. So, she gets on top of me, with her chest pressed against mine, and things are pretty close quarters. It’s not the easiest to maneuver around at this point, but when she starts going at it, I’m in absolute heaven.
Now begins the progression of events that (very shortly) lead to my fuck up. She starts to engage in some dirty talk and wants me to spank her. I’m really into this sex and I go for it without hesitation. I can’t really see where her buttocks are because we are so close together, so I have to rely on my best estimation on where her ass would be located at the time of the spank (which is more difficult than it sounds, as it was a moving target, in addition to being out of my range of vision). I decide to go for a nice hard spank when she is on the down stroke. Unfortunately, because I’m way too wrapped up into things, my swing is too late. She has already started to move back up when the collision occurs. The next thing I know, I feel a gut-wrenching pain in my groin that instantly makes me feel like puking my guts out. I ended up hitting myself in the balls so hard that they had bruised. I tried so hard to ignore the intense pain in my man-sack and play it off, but that only lasted for about five seconds. I told her what horrible mistake I had just made and had to nurse my tender testes for the rest of the day. Needless to say, we couldn’t have sex again until the next week.
**TL;DR** Due to less-than-desirable situations, my fiancé and I resort to the cramped quarters of my dorm room to have sex. While packed together like sardines on my bed, due to my inability to see what was going on, I accidentally hit myself directly in the ball-sack instead of smacking her ass. Intense pain ensued.
ktynn: meh, u just wait for like 5 minutes and then the pain is gone no? thats how it works when i accidently smack my balls
circasurviv3: Normally yes, however it was more than just a love tap. They were a bit swollen afterwards.
ktynn: Damn dude o.O
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1407358202 | 1407399700 | t3_2ctll1 | t5_2to41 | 17 | dirtislif: TIFU by setting porn as my wallpaper
So I was home alone last night and well, things happened. I was last looking at some x-art and saw a particularly beautiful one so I decided the best way to look at it was as my wallpaper because everything else on my windows 8 laptop sucked at diaplaying things correctly in fullscreen. A while later I had forgot to change it back and was watching some Netflix and my laptop died and I decided I better get some sleep as it was almost 3am. Little did I know, windows 8 syncs all your settings across all computers with your account on it and apparently my mother had logged into my account with my pin for some reason or another and now there is/was porn splattered on her desktop for a good 12 hours until I got off work and powered on my laptop and swiftly changed it back.
TL;DR: Windows 8 sucks and does things behind your back. Such as syncing your wallpaper to your mother's pc.
beironjohn: I'd argue that it tells u it will when u create ur account, as it is a 'frature'.
dirtislif: Because "everyone" reads everything and is ok with MS selling your soul in the EULA.
txzeenath: I don't see how it's "selling your soul". Your settings are linked to your >online< profile. Your mom logged onto your >online< profile. That's the way it works. If you don't want that, then don't give out your pin, or use local accounts.
Would you get mad if she logged into your tumblr/reddit/whatever and got hit with some porn links you were following?
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1407361873 | 1407366298 | t3_2ctsdz | t5_2to41 | 7 | slay_j_161: TIFU by locking my keys in my car... on the freeway
So I had a half day of work today, and I was on my way home on the freeway when an old lady in front of me suddenly pulls over to the shoulder. Since I had a free afternoon, I figured I'd be a good Samaritan and pull over behind her.
So, I get out of my car to go ask if she's okay when I'm immediately honked at by a guy in a highway safety truck that had somehow been right behind us. He gestures for me to get back in my car and that's when I realize...
I've just locked my fucking keys in the car. Yep, all the doors are locked. I have no spare key.
The safety guy doesn't have tools and I have to wait an hour on the freeway for AAA to show up, while the old lady, who had a blown fuse I couldn't have helped anyway, gets her daughter to pick her up.
TL;DR: I try to help an old lady on the freeway, am 100% part of the problem and 0% part of the solution.
mr78rpm: This is how life teaches you to put down a window or two. I once bought a used car and this is how we discovered that if you turned it off, its doors locked automatically after thirty seconds no matter where the keys were! I actually LOOK AT MY KEYS every time I get out of a car now!
slay_j_161: I know! I've done it enough I should know better, but I was just distracted enough by the cars on the freeway and the old lady I forgot to check.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407364067 | 1407365162 | t3_2ctw5u | t5_2to41 | 6 | marshmallowwisdom: TIFU by leaving a microwave running.
Sorry, no boobs or fapping are involved in this, but it's still a fuck-up.
I was preparing to make some manually brewed coffee, so my usual routine involves microwaving some water in a mug and glass server. So I usually let that heat up while I grind the coffee with a hand grinder. Since it's a hand grinder, it takes a while to grind all the coffee beans. When I was done, I walked up to the microwave and noticed that the power is off. I thought maybe there was a black out, but the kitchen lights seemed to be working fine.
I then realized my fuck-up. I open the microwave door and it was empty. I completely forgot to put in the mug and server. I let a microwave run empty for five minutes. I also had earphones on the whole time, so I didn't hear any crackling or other noise. As my confusion gradually transformed into an incoming feeling of failure, I read a little warning label that was inside the microwave, something to the effect of:
WARNING: HEATING WITHOUT FOOD OR BEVERAGE WILL CAUSE DAMAGE TO MICROWAVE
Oh shit. I tried re-plugging the cord to no avail. I broke the microwave, which is only a few years old. There wasn't actually any smoke, smoldering, or anything drastic. The top of it did run a bit hot. I eventually resigned in defeat and went out to the store to buy a replacement.
Today, I did not have my coffee. Today, I fucked up.
Edit: typo.
8BitPoro: > Sorry, no boobs are fapping are involved in this, but it's still a fuck-up.
Don't tempt me to stop reading like that!
marshmallowwisdom: Haha, woops.
| 3 | 2 | |
1407364642 | 1407368437 | t3_2ctx6l | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by making out with one of my bestfriend's girlfriend--who is my best friend, among other things (NSFW?)
So this happened a few days ago to celebrate my 21st birthday. We have a close knit of friends who all come back home for summer break. One of my friends, we'll call him Dougwardo, couldn't make it due to a family trip he was currently on.
Now, I'm really close friends with him and his girlfriend, who I've been friends with for almost a good seven months now. We'll call her Catbug. We dated twice, but nothing serious came out of it and we ultimately just became best friends. He knew of our history and it wasn't that big of a deal; we were all close friends, what could go wrong?
He had sent me a text the night before to wish my a happy birthday to not try to get her drunk. While I wasn't going to go out of my way to get her drunk, I wasn't going to stop her from doing anything she wanted to do, feminism yo! So I just thought whatever.
Enter: The Party. Even before the party started I had already taken a couple shots prior. No big deal, even if I am pretty much a lightweight. Then people just kept handing me red solo cups that looked to have at least 2-3 shots in it. I thought nothing of it: Big Mistake.
Next thing I know I'm awake on the couch at 5am not remembering anything past waiting for a few people to come back to bring Super Smash Bros and Mario Kart 8 (I'm deeply disappointed I didn't get to play without being blackout drunk). I can't go back to sleep and just wait for people to wake back up. Around 7:30am Catbug comes from upstairs, I think nothing of it and ask what happened last night because of the aforementioned blackout drunkenness. She looks at me for a little bit and says "Well.. you made out with me last night".
I started freaking out; I apologize and do my best to assure her that under normal circumstances that would have never happened. I didn't want to ruin my friendship with her at all. She believes me and quickly forgives me, but she still has to tell Dougwardo. Uh-oh. So right after that conversation she calls him, with me still there, talking about I made out with her and apparently tried over and over to cuddle with her.
Eventually more people start to wake up (other people also slept in the room I was in, so they probably woke up from the talking) and had told me everything (as far as I'm aware) of what I did last night. There were about 12 people at the party, 3 of them girls, all of them in relationships. I apparently said to one of them "We should have unprotected sex!" and the to the other that we should cuddle and have unprotected sex afterwards. No idea why I was so specific on it. In any case they both forgave me and understood I was too far gone. Other highlights included asking everyone what they "really" thought of me and having me falling off the Final Destination stage over and over as Ice Climbers.
Eventually Catbug's conversation with Dougwardo is over and he wasn't happy. He told her straight up if he was there he'd deck me in the face. It's been 4 days and I'm still in limbo about what'll happen when he gets back, which is in about a week.
Tl;dr Made out with one of my bestfriends girlfriend, who IS my bestfriend, she's already forgiven me but he's understandably really upset with me. Make an ass of myself in front of my other friends and they still and tease me about it from time to time. Did not get lucky on my birthday but that's probably a good thing!
Edited: sentences
C4Play00: It honestly just sounds like you did your 21st like a normal human being.
CheeseAddiction: 21st birthday is more about legally getting blackout drunk with your best friends than getting laid.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407365207 | 1407388191 | t3_2cty1q | t5_2to41 | 424 | TonyDanza757: TIFU by making eye contact with a street performing clown.
I was walking down the Wharf in San Francisco when I saw a street performing clown doing clown stuff (Honking a horn, waddling around in his oversized shoes, being generally creepy). As I got closer to him we locked eyes...I immediately looked away and pretended like it didn't happen. He must have sensed my fear because he started walking behind me, honking his horn with each step. Every time I looked back at him, he would turn around, stick his hands in his pockets, and start whistling a circus tune. In that moment all my childhood fears were realized... He paralyzed me. I couldn't walk any faster. I knew he was behind me but I couldn't confront him and just laugh it off, he was in my head. After two blocks I crossed the street. When I got to the entrance to my hotel I took one more glance back. He was staring at me from 200 yards away with that mind rapey face of his. If it was dark I would've run and never looked back. Also, I'm a 27 year old, 6'2, 220 Lb man. I shouldn't be afraid of clowns anymore but fuck he was scary.
knopper91: LMAO. "200 yards away with that mind rape face"
TonyDanza757: His face screamed rape.
MG87: You should have preemptively raped him.
Dowdb: That is the only logical choice in this situation
SamIsWhite: What else would you do, its only logical.
| 6 | 70.666667 | |
1407367278 | 1407383523 | t3_2cu1cn | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking pusy was spelled like fussy.
In an email to the sweet old HR lady
> I need time off until my pussy wound heals.
I'm a dude.
Also.... don't google pusy.... rule 34
OfficerTwix: She'll just think you're pussy
pyrowolf8: hi twix
OfficerTwix: Jesus you're a mod here too
pyrowolf8: it would be cool if jesus modded here
OfficerTwix: Man you're a mod of every sub
also jesus is everywhere
pyrowolf8: not really
and are you some funDIE?
OfficerTwix: I am not a fundie, I'm taking about my lawnscaper Jesus. He's everywhere in my yard
pyrowolf8: frist of all how DARE yo u
OfficerTwix: and everyone cheered
OldieButNotMoldy: That whole exchange was funny as hell LOL oh I mean heaven sorry Jesus.
OfficerTwix: If you just gilded me thank you so much! I will now be your servant
OldieButNotMoldy: Lol no thx needed just pay it forward and be nice to somebody this week.
OfficerTwix: I'm always nice
OldieButNotMoldy: You are already a head of a lot of ppl these days. I always try to be nice too.
OfficerTwix: WOO! High five!
| 16 | 2.1875 | |
1407366423 | 1407397161 | t3_2ctzzq | t5_2to41 | 10 | drunkassmcgee: TIFU by taking someone home to my mother's house.
So, this happened when I was still living with my mother.
There was a work party when I was still relatively new to the place. I am one of the only females in a predominantly male working environment. Also, I work in the same place as my father (with whom I did not live). He jokingly said beforehand not to do anything stupid at the party. I laughed and assured him I would not.
Fast forward to the night and like a total idiot I decide not to eat anything before going out. I usually handle my drink pretty well and wanting to keep up with the guys, I was hammering them back. I was soon what could probably be called 'white girl wasted'.
I can be quite a flirtatious drunk and decided a fellow colleague was quite charming. After a night of drinking and dancing I decided that I should take this guy - who was at least ten years older than me - back to my mother's house. In my drunken state it seemed quite logical that I could easily sneak him in and out of the house without anyone knowing.
We arrived back to the house and I opened the front door to find my stepfather snoring on the sofa. We tiptoed past and I told him to bring his shoes up with him. I thought I was being real smart at this point. The next portion of time is quite a blur but I am pretty sure we had some terrible drunk sex before passing out in my single bed.
I wake up a few hours later and it's daylight and there is a strange man in my bed. I silently ask myself "what the fuck were you thinking drunkassmcgee". Before I can even think about how to sneak him out, I hear my door slowly open. My mother is checking on her darling daughter after her nice little work party. I look up at her and she sees me lying next to this bearded stranger. A mixture of shock and disgust flashes across her face.
She splutters "who is that?!" and my brain seems to completely vanish from my body. I manage to mumble "a friend" before laughing hysterically. My mind sometimes decides that in really inappropriate terrible situations I should just laugh until it's over. Unable to speak because I am laughing so uncontrollably, my mother gives up on conversation and slams the door.
My stepdad (who is very scary when he's angry) appears about ten minutes later and locks eyes with the guy. He simply says "get out" and the dude jumps up as if he had been shot and pulls on his clothes. We go downstairs and my stepfather, raging, absolutely terrifies the guy. Beardy stares down at his feet mumbling "sorry" over and over again. Eventually he leaves and I am left to face the music. I receive the telling off of a lifetime and can't even look them in the eye.
I then realised my nightmare was not over yet. News travels fast in the office and I knew I would have to tell my dad before he found out from someone else. Worst phone call of my life.
I haven't really spoken to the guy since and have to see him at work all the time. Everyone knows.
TL;DR: Got hammered at a work party, took bearded man many years older than me home to my mother's and she walked in and found us in bed together.
PhishnChips: How old are you? Do you live with your parents or were you just visiting?
drunkassmcgee: I was 20, it was before I moved out into my own place. One of the dumbest things I have ever done.
johnnythornton: Your mom sounds kinda uncool about it.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407370937 | 1407377556 | t3_2cu72j | t5_2to41 | 3 | rccola86: TIFU by hiring an intern
callmejenkins: Why is your fiance going to be livid?
Patamarick: Must be attractive
| 3 | 1 | |
1407370740 | 1407531251 | t3_2cu6rv | t5_2to41 | 1,925 | kicksitjust: TIFU by moaning my girlfriend's mom's name during sex
This happened last night.
So I haven't seen my girlfriend in three months so last night was a pretty big night. We've always had a long distance relationship so are used to it all.
I go over to hers. I want to be kinky for her and don't say a word to her. All mysterious and shit. We get down and dirty. We have so much pent up sexual frustration we need to release it right there and then. I still haven't said a word and we are in the nude. It's my glorious moment.
Mid-fuck I want to be dirty. I start saying her name over and over. I open my eyes. "Why is she looking at me like that?" I think.
"What did you just say, kicksitjust?! Why are you fucking saying that?!!"
FUCK FUCK FUCK! I just said my gf's mom's name mid-sex. I panic, "I- I thought you'd like that!".
Blank stare.
Long story short, I am now homeless in a city I've never been to before (she only just moved here) and just managed to find a hotel (which I can't even afford).
I've fucked up.
plasma1147: Could of been worse, could of said her dad's name. Right?
HijaDeTaco: Should've said her dads name, is what I think ou meant.
testicle_botfly: Who, e?
OldieButNotMoldy: Yes I think he meant ou.
HijaDeTaco: Trolled me so hard my butt hurts. ;(
OldieButNotMoldy: I hear ice is good for that.
HijaDeTaco: Shove it on up there brah.
bigtucktx: lol explain the troll. funny response btw!
HijaDeTaco: People that think the misspelling of one word, by lack of a single letter, which was a total oversight, interrupts the fluency of my sentence enough to warrant sarcasm.
OldieButNotMoldy: Na it was just funny and I didn't mean it in a bad way, so wipe them tears and smile:)
HijaDeTaco: Fair enough, terrible week so, forgive the lack of sense of humor. I just see so many with shameful grammar, and I like to distance myself far, far away from that crowd, also, the response to the person asking for an explanation, was more so directed at the person you were responding to, not you yourself. Side note, slightly melted icecube are probably better, considering crushed ice is a little more rigid in texture and well, I don't like rigid things up my ass, honestly, I just don't like icecubes up my ass in general, been there, it's like sucking up icy got with a vacuum, the vacuum being my asshole ofcourse. I will fucking regret that day until the end of my days. Tmi? Yep.
OldieButNotMoldy: I'm no one to say anything about grammar it's not my strong suit by far. I've tried to learn it just won't stick, I'm more a hands on type person. I just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was trolling you I wouldn't do that to even the most messed up person.
I didn't even think about jagged edges in crushed ice. I thought ice up the ass might be cool on a hot ass day. I'm glad I didn't try it now lmao
| 13 | 148.076923 | |
1407371272 | 1407454051 | t3_2cu7l8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | jaegerbombs33: tifu: I dodged a government sting today.
OldieButNotMoldy: How can they arrest you for receiving a package, I'd sue the crap out of them.
jaegerbombs33: the package was drugs
OldieButNotMoldy: I'm never accepting anything anymore and I think I may need to take lessons from OP
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407373675 | 1407376846 | t3_2cubak | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking out on my dad smoking weed
Before I start going into the details, let me give you some background. My dad is a lawyer, and goes through a lot of shit every day, so when he gets home he enjoys getting blackout drunk. My mom (my parents got divorced many moons ago) always told my siblings and me that my dad smoked weed and we always though she was just bullshitting us because they hate each other. The irony of all of this is that my brother started smoking weed quite frequently late in high school and when my dad found out he almost sent my brother to some sort of drug rehab and gave him and my sister drug tests. Anyways, now onto what happened a mere ten minutes ago.
Earlier today my dad and I got into a horrible argument over my high school schedule that ended with us agreeing to go to the zoo on Sunday (It was a what the fuck moment). I walked downstairs to go watch Netflix, and a few hours later down he comes, blackout drunk as fuck, and we talk for a couple minutes before he goes off to consume copious amounts of alcohol and food. Last time I left him alone without checking on him he almost cracked his skull open, so I decided to go check on him after hearing the patio door open. I opened the door and saw him sitting there with a bowl and a lighter smoking weed. Here's the dialogue:
Me: Hey, watcha doing dad?
Dad: ...OW MY BACK HURTS! (Slams door open)
Now I'm sitting in the basement waiting for him to come down here and educate me on why I shouldn't do drugs and why he does.
tl;dr: Dad almost sends my brother to rehab for smoking weed and I walked out to the patio and found him smoking weed, and now I am awaiting a stern talking to about why drugs are bad.
AmeriScott: Nothing wrong with a little weed now and again. I would be more concerned about his drinking to be honest. About the rehab thing, remember he has to be a parent first. Anyways good luck.
barfingbologna: Totally agree. Smoking weed is fine. However, smoking after drinking usually ends badly, much like the skull cracking incident. Tell him to skip the booze and go straight to the pipe from now on...and for good measure, promise never to smoke pot....at least not til college ;)
comedygene: These guys have it right. If you're doing both, hit the pipe, then the bottle. Otherwise spins.
But encourage him to replace alcohol with weed. I am a firm believer that it can help alcoholism. You can still get high and its non addictive. Then step down from there.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1407374936 | 1407455632 | t3_2cud99 | t5_2to41 | 14 | IAmRabid: TIFU by showing my mother a picture
So /r/tifu, today I fucked up.
I was talking to my mother and remarked that Emma Watson looks sort of like my sister, so I went to find a picture that demonstrates that on my phone. I found one, and handed the phone to her. Immediately, she had a weird/confused look on her face and said she *maybe* saw the resemblance. Then she handed the phone back to me.
When I looked at it, I saw what had initially appeared to me to be a still image of Emma Watson, was actually [a gif of her in a club, jumping up and down with her tits bouncing around, and doing some kind of seductive motion with her tongue](http://media1.giphy.com/media/4wMlW2RcOCVCU/giphy.gif).
I had shown that to my mother. Comparing it to my sister. That took some explaining...
OldieButNotMoldy: It has to be a video because you can't compare a picture to a video, so OP we need a video of your sister jumping up and down.
bdawgsupreme: For science!
OldieButNotMoldy: It's always for science! There are no pervs on Reddit ;)
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1407375215 | 1407401614 | t3_2cudox | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU and now some new friends of mine think I'm an anti-Semite
To make a long story short a group of friends and I went away for the weekend, drinks were flowing, then board games came in to topic and Yahtzee was brought up which spiked my interest. I then got the words "nazi" and "Yahtzee" mixed up as I proceeded to tell some new friends that "I'm going to run nazi circles around them". It took me a few minutes of dead awkward silence before I realized what I said to make everyone so uncomfortable. Now they all think I'm an anti-Semite.
TL;DR: I mixed up the words Yahtzee and nazi, made a good vibe die.
Edit: This happened this past weekend.
pineappledRectum: How is this not hilarious? Clearly you slipped up. What the fuck even is a Nazi circle?
tink9995: I imagine people marching in a conga line / circle with straight arms and legs?
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407376336 | 1407413569 | t3_2cufek | t5_2to41 | 192 | [deleted]: TIFU by going down on a girl
This has scarred me and anyone who hears this story, and since tifu is my new favorite subreddit, I have to share.
So, I was dating this girl I had liked for a long time, we'll call her Jane. Total cute punker type, cool clothes, colored hair, glasses, tattoos. Anyways, we got hot and heavy really quickly; we had sex on our second date, and fucked like bunnies at least five times a week after the first time. So this went on for a few weeks, and the animalistic sex started to calm down and introduce more foreplay. So one night as we're in bed and fooling around, I make the move to go down on her, and it was the first time I will have done so(I'm not selfish, just happened that way). So without any hesitation I go in lips first.
It was only upon the moment of contact that I realize her vagina smells. REALLY BAD. It's not just a little sweaty, it's BO bad. It smelled like a bum's armpit in the summer time was soaked in the blood of roadkill, and then a fat kid farted deviled egg farts on it.
So by this time, it's too late to pull up so fast, I have to at least do a bit down there. This is my second mistake.
Upon my first lick I feel something on my tongue; not hair, mind you, I know that feeling by now, this is something else. So I quickly remove the loose item from my tongue to discover it's FUCKING TOILET PAPER!!! I licked used toilet paper off her gross, festering vagina!!! Now is the moment where I tried to hide the gagging that comes with not only utter disgust, but having to reach and grab something off your tongue. I almost puked right on her vagina. Needless to say, the cunnilingus was over. So I let my soldier finish the battle, then went to the bathroom and vigorously washed my face and privates. The relationship obviously ended not long after, but for additional reasons.
So tifu by going down on a girl too quickly and fell face first into a dumpster of a vagina. Smell it first, boys and girls!
OldieButNotMoldy: I actually gagged while reading this. There is NO reason for your snatch to smell like you haven't ever washed it, that's just disgusting. Always do a finger test before you stick your face down there next time.
redditorrandom: My buddies were surprised I never did the finger test, but I've never had to! Hahaha every woman I've slept with has been clean down there.
weareyourfamily: I just don't understand how you didn't simply smell it from traditional penetration. My experience with genital odor is that it tends to permeate the sexing space, be it a good odor, or a foul one. You can smell the humanity from the hallway.
redditorrandom: I'm a smoker, distant smells are pretty much gone for me. An untainted nose may have picked it up earlier hahaha
Ludacon: http://www.reddit.com/r/electronic_cigarette/ may help you avoid further stank vag
| 6 | 32 | |
1407375526 | 1407431920 | t3_2cue5s | t5_2to41 | 307 | Actual_Lady_Killer: TIFU by not locking my door
Alright this FU happened a few years ago in college, but my friends still bust my balls about it almost weekly. I was living in a little college town in upstate NY with my best friend, lets call him Ted. Ted and I lived in the ghetto dorm hall and because we liked extra room, we turned the twin beds we had into bunk beds. Ted had top bunk, I slept on the bottom. It was late December and it was around 3 am when Ted had come back from the bathroom or something and stumbled across the messy floor. I was barely awake when he laid down in bed with me. I sat up, confused by this action. I tried shaking him at first, demanding that he wake up and go sleep in his bed. I shook him over and over again getting louder and louder but he was out cold and not moving. I decided if he was going to sleep in my bed, I would sleep in his. I pulled my leopard skin blanket out from under Ted then started my short journey up the ladder to his bed. I reached the apex of the ladder and put a hand down on the mattress to find what appeared to be a foot. "It must be Ted in his bed, but if Ted is in his bed then who is in mine?" I thought to myself. I try to piece this new information together in my head of how Ted could be in two places at once. I turn on my desk lamp to discover that Ted is not in my bed. In fact the man in my bed is a rather large, completely naked, black man. I wake Ted with a shake and tell him that there is a black dude in my bed. Ted looks at my bed and asks me why there's a black dude in my bed. We manage to awaken the black dude with some water on his face. He, half consciously, gets up, puts his pajama pants on, calls me a "Fucking whore" and walks out of the room, leaving us both stunned. This happened 5 years ago and to this day all of my friends joke and ask me for the "True" story of how a big, naked, black dude ended up in bed with me and why he called me a whore. So remember kids, always lock your door before you go to bed or you might wake up being some dudes little spoon.
Pabloster: lmao, did you ever see him again?
Actual_Lady_Killer: Only in my dreams :(
Zoenobium: I have now tagged you as: "dreams of big, naked, black dudes"
Actual_Lady_Killer: Doesn't everybody?
Profoundlyweyez: *raises hand*
| 6 | 51.166667 | |
1407377262 | 1407454645 | t3_2cugvb | t5_2to41 | 6 | Breakthelevee: TIFU by disregarding my shaking car and missing a job interview
So my the front of my car has been a little shaky for a while but since it's a little older and I'm broke as hell I didn't think anything of it. Well today I was going along the highway on the way to a job interview when the shaking intensifies and a second later my front tire goes flying off and I end up in a ditch. So I end up missing the interview and just found out that it's gonna cost about 500 to fix my car.
TL;DR: Always take problems on your car seriously
fedupmanager: so I assume you called the interview to let them know why you didn't make it...I have conducted interviews and legitimate reasons for being a no-show are given wnd chances
Breakthelevee: I did, though I have yet to hear back
fedupmanager: good luck
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407377778 | 1407378652 | t3_2cuhmz | t5_2to41 | 5 | ignitionnight: TIFU by flirting with my boss's daughter.
Vajulator: You're certain you're not getting the position?
Also you should hold your ground if he mentions this. Tell him you did nothing wrong and didn't know that was his daughter.
ignitionnight: I'm well liked by everybody I work with, except my boss. Unfortunately for me, he iss the single person responsible for deciding if I am a worthy candidate for the full time position. Our company uses temp status to justify not paying benefits for people who work their ass off for the company and call it an extended job interview for permanent employment. I've been here for 10 months and am still without health insurance and accrue no PTO despite working loads of overtime and never taking a single day off since I've been hired.
It's safe to say my boss isn't concerned with being fair to me.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407375999 | 1407419095 | t3_2cuevv | t5_2to41 | 79 | Vantagejr: TIFU by spilling 10,000 pills on the ground
So I work at a long term care pharmacy. We package pills and send them to nursing homes which then distribute the drugs to the elderly. Whenever one of our patients dies, their drugs are sent back to the pharmacy to be destroyed. My job for the day was to go through all of the sent-back drugs and dump the pills into a bucket for annihilation. I would then throw away the bottles and that would be that.
So this is my first time doing the task, and I was really enjoying it. All of the pills had different shapes and colors, which made for a pretty cool medicinal stew. Any (legal) drug you can think of was in this bucket. Fish oil? Sure. Aspirin? Why not. Once I finished emptying all of the bottles into this bucket, I had to transport said bucket into the shipping room and place the pills into a bin to be shipped for destruction. The delivery room is a good 200 feet away from my work station, with plenty of blind corners and things to trip on. After assessing the situation, I picked up the bucket full of pills and started on my way.
Thinking back, putting a cover on the tote full of pills would have been a smart move, but I suppose that is why I am assigned the random tasks around the pharmacy. As I was about halfway to the delivery room, one of the more heavyset pharmacists rounds the corner with a bunch of boxes in her arms. She can't see me, and I have no catlike reflexes. We collide, she drops a few boxes, but I drop all of the pills. Pills on the floor, pills in my hair, pills everywhere. And so begins the tedious process of picking each pill up (some blend in to the red carpet, will never be found again).
Tl; dr: I work at a pharmacy, spilled pills everywhere, floor is now pill potpourri.
Sprinkle_Skittlez: A broom ...
Vantagejr: Yep, a broom on carpet
Edit: we actually just ended up vacuuming up the pills with an empty shopvac
Sprinkle_Skittlez: So.. you can't sweep carpets? Wonder what I've been doing all this time.
Vantagejr: My bad. I've never done it. But do what you do.
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1407375267 | 1407462106 | t3_2cuds1 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Djj117: TIFU by trusting hitch hiking kids
I went down to my local bar with my housemate. We ran into some traveling kids, with two kittens, trying to figure out where to smoke weed. I was like hey guys it's cool to just smoke out back on the patio. So we hung out drank some brews, smoked some bowls, etc. they smoked us up so I said for them to come by my house and I'll return the favor. We smoked and they left.
I realized they left the leashes behind for the cats. I saw them again the next day and said hey come by and grab the leashes and we can smoke again. They came by and the next morning realized my wallet was gone. Haven't seen them since.
Worst part is I have my road test in two weeks and no permit. So if you guys run into a girl named Brie(blonde, dreads) and a guy named peach(brown hair dreads) with two cats don't trust them also give them a big fuck you from me!
TL;DR I invited some hitch hiking kids with kittens into my home and they stole my wallet, will never trust a traveler again
soil-mate: Holy fuck I think I may have let these two sleep on my couch a few months ago!? They didn't steal from me and they didn't have cats but otherwise shit fits.
I know she followed me on tumblr after that too, I'll try and find her and you can see if it's the same girl. But her name was definitely Brie and she had blonde dreads. What state did this happen in?!
Oh my god crazy
Djj117: In the hudson valley in New York. I think they were up in Maine before that
soil-mate: I'm in PA. I was walking around and saw them and we made small talk because we all had dreadlocks. They seemed real nice and shit and it was late and her boyfriend was super ready to crash, he honestly looked a bit doped out and she wanted me to show her around and go out.
I told them to throw their shit in my room if they wanted to do that then they put their packs in my room and I deadbolted my bedroom door and left with her while he passed out on my couch (I really didn't have anything to steal from my living room/kitchen, I don't even have a tv so maybe I'm too trusting of strangers but whatever) .
She was really nice, we exchanged numbers (but I've since lost it - new phone) They told me they were headed to ithaca next, and then would probably make their way up to mount washington and then Maine.
I really can't remember his name because he slept the whole time and they left early but I know hers was Brie. She was a sweetheart and he was a bit sketchy looking back. If it's the same couple I'd put money on it that it was him who took your wallet. If it's the same two (which it sounds like) they must have just picked up the cats later.
She had medium length dreads and his were like shoulder length?
I have like 5000 followers on tumblr and most of them are hippies with dreads so I don't know how easy it will be for me to find her if it's even the same people... and I don't know what good it will do you if I even do... but I could certainly make them feel like shit.
Djj117: Yea that sounds about right. Yea not much I can do about my wallet now but hopefully karma will come back and bite them in the ass. I have their number too so I'll just text them things to make them feel shitty
soil-mate: Well if they hit me up on their way back down I'll make sure to get some vigilante justice for you
| 6 | 2 | |
1407379141 | 1407528864 | t3_2cujq9 | t5_2to41 | 33 | oldsko0ler: TIFU by cumming into my boxer
This actually happened around 3 years ago. Throwaway because of obvious reasons.
I was either 13 or 14, a horny teenager and obsessed with porn. One evening before going to sleep I invented the best method to have the smallest amount of mess possible. Cumming into my boxers. Yes you hear that right. Naive me thought nobody would ever notice it. Oh boy I was wrong.
One night I decided to go for it, I cummed into my boxers again and threw my *soaking* wet boxer into the corner of my room where I always leave my dirty laundry. I already noticed my mom took the whole stash of laundry earlier that day, but I just dumped my wet boxer there and changed it for a washed boxer. This is where the fuck up happened.
My mom entered my room around 0:30 AM , and The deed was done around 0:25 AM. I was almost falling asleep while my mother came in for a goodbye hug. While she walked out of my room she noticed the dirty laundry in the corner, she picked it up and walked out of my room and closed my door. A few seconds later I realised how bad I had fucked up. How she picked up a *soaking* wet boxer with her own son's cum on it.
We never spoke about it but I am 99% sure she knew what it was. Awkward as fuck
OldieButNotMoldy: OMG I thought you meant your dog 0.o
JeremyR22: For a single horrifying second I thought he was confessing to owning a cum box. (If you don't remember that particular piece of reddit history, enjoy your blissful ignorance)
OldieButNotMoldy: Oh hell why did you do that now I have got to know what that is!
JeremyR22: Don't. Just don't.
[Really, you'll regret this](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4imcva?context=3).
[edit: context]
OldieButNotMoldy: OMFG ok shouldn't of clicked, in fact I may never click ever again! -.-
JeremyR22: I warned you...
Now definitely don't look up the 'cum boxers'...
OldieButNotMoldy: Ok couldn't help it, had to know but didn't find it. Did find however sooo many kinky subs I didn't know were here LOL. Reddit is a wierd and wonderful place ;0
JeremyR22: Yes, yes it is.
In case you're hungry for more, try the Museum of reddit Filth:
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/26rrby/whats_the_worst_text_to_send_a_girl_after_a_first/chu60pf
I suggest Dagobah if you really want to lose your lunch.
OldieButNotMoldy: You know I'll go I'm too curious for my own damn good lmao
| 10 | 3.3 | |
1407376326 | 1407382077 | t3_2cufe0 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Athiest_Jesus: TIFU by not closing my internet app
So earlier today I had to make a trip to the Verizon store because my phone wouldn't charge. When you first walk into the store you're greeted by an employee saying, "Hi what can I help you with today?" and I said that my phone wouldn't hold a charge, gave her my name, and then I'm directed to go play with some phones until another employee is free to help.
So I was happy as can be looking at all of the fancy phones that are out I heard "Atheist_Jesus?" and I turn to see a smoking hot blonde Verizon employee smiling at me ready to help.
We walk over to the counter and I hand her my phone as she begins to ask me about how my day is going and what the problem with my phone is. Apparently "not holding a charge" means something different than "my phone wont charge" so she asks me about my battery life, and if I use my phone heavily. Then she holds out the phone so that both her and I could see the screen and goes, "do you know what this button does?" - pointing to the bottom right corner that shows the recently used applications. Wanting to continue talking to this dime piece of Verizon employee, I say no.
She hits the button and third from the top you can clearly see a busty girl getting taken first class to pound town. I FORGOT TO CLOSE OUT OF PORNHUB IN THE CHROME APP. When I saw this, fear and embarrassment struck me hard and the girl just as shocked as me, utters a quick and awkward, "Oh."
I tried to quickly explain that my battery life was fine but my phone wouldn't charge, got a replacement phone sent to me and got out of there as fast as I could.
baddhabits: Blonde turns and grins coyly. "You know, I can teach you to recharge quickly"
Athiest_Jesus: If only..
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1407382545 | 1407398275 | t3_2cuou3 | t5_2to41 | 3,060 | RiseoftheEnts: TIFU by trying to beat my mom up the stairs. (NSFW)
This happened about ten years ago but some nights I lie awake thinking about it as if it happened yesterday. This happened when I was 12 years old and like most people around this age I figured out the joys of masturbation. It was around 9:00 pm and I decided that I would fiddle the fig. So I pulled my pants down to my ankles and went to work. (Side note: My room was at the top of the stairs and I slept with my door open cause of monsters and shit. Also my moms bedroom was downstairs.) I was probably about 5 minutes in and the itchy/tingling feeling just started to begin, the moment I had been working for. Right when this happened I started to hear my mom climb up the stairs. At this time a voice in my head told me that I should stop but since, you know, I was already about to release my load I didn't listen. I could hear my mom climbing each step and I had just hoped that I could finish the orgasm before she got to the top. By the time she got to the top of the stairs I had finished all over my stomach (I know graphic bro but its obligatory for the story). Now a shame washed over me that I had never felt before and wouldn't feel again till I lost my virginity (which had nothing to do with my mom. I've never broken my arms). My mom walked into my bedroom and began to tell me she loved me and that I need to go to sleep. "I know" I replied while laying there with only my head poking out of the covers and this dumb look on my face. She then walked to my window and looked out of it (I guess to make sure no one was stalking us or something?). Now this is the part of the story that I think about all the time and wonder about what the fuck I was thinking. I decide at this moment while she is looking out of the window to try and pull my pants up from underneath the covers. I had about a five second window and as you can imagine it didn't go well. I reached down awkwardly trying to make it look like I wasn't moving and grabbed my pants. Right when I did my mom turns around looks at me weirdly and asks "What are you doing?". "Nothing" I stammered. She walks towards me thinking that maybe I'm hiding something from her(?), grabs the top of my blanket and rips the covers off of me. I curl up into the fetal position in the nude with cum all over my stomach, that probably glistened thanks to the hall light, and screamed. Her eyes get huge and says "OH MY GOD" and runs out of my room down the stairs. I could here her calling for my dad and then the door to her bedroom being slammed shut. So now I'm just laying here in a dead silence on the verge of tears thinking about how I should have listened to my voice or at the very least not try and pull up my pants. This went on for hours before I finally past out. The next day I wake up and go down stairs thinking I'm about to be exiled from my house. I creep down the stairs and I can here my mom cooking in the kitchen. I take a big breath and turn the corner to the kitchen. Me and her make eye contact for one second and I just look to the ground. We never spoke about it and we probably didn't make eye contact for a solid three days. Randomly I look back on this memory and cringe so hard hoping to god that my mom doesn't remember but I mean come on.
[deleted]: >I pulled my pants down to my ankles and went to work.
I did this once. Got fired.
jerpeggy: wish i could upvote more
Telomeres13: just upvoted the comment for you.
youre welcome
Zer0powa: Just logged into my account just to upvote it for him.
CurseOfTheCLG: Was already logged on. Logged out and logged back in just to upvote your upvote for him.
Zer0powa: I reset my router just to thank you.
Thanks.
CurseOfTheCLG: Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?
chopstewey: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?
CurseOfTheCLG: That one was truly tractor....
| 10 | 306 | |
1407383440 | 1407455572 | t3_2cuq6d | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a girl flowers anonymously
I am a university student who has just started my second degree so I'm a bit older (I'm 24) than the regular crowd of first year university students. I've been involved with debating and at the last minute decided to fill in at a debating tournament (in April) on a team with two first years (a guy and a girl) who are both 18. Anyway over the course of the tournament (4 days) we go really well, getting along really well and making the finals. Any of you who have been to university debating tournaments know that you spend a lot of time with your team mates and can end up getting really close which is what happened here.
Well after the tournament we continued to talk a lot (I mean a LOT) over Facebook and on the phone and would meet up for drinks and the like. This was all good however she was in a long term relation with this guy (over 4 years) who went to another university so I never made a move just focussed on being a good friend. All through our friendship the boyfriend felt threatened by my interaction with this girl (lets call her Bridget) and didn't like her hanging out with me etc. The fact that Bridget still hung out with me I took as a sign that she really liked me at least as a friend.
Fast forward to last month Bridget breaks up with her long term boyfriend (he was a complete dick so naturally I'm quite happy). Either-way apparently he hasn't taken the break-up well at all and has been in a really bad way. Since Bridget can't really deal with her parents she mostly slept over at her boyfriend's house which is clearly out of the question now. So she has been getting really close to another member of the debating society (lets call him Sam) and I recently found out she was staying there every couple of nights (pretty sure as friends, I don't believe that they have hooked up yet).
So my fuck up occurs on Monday night when after I get home from work I'm watching a rom-com (I always get told I have weird preferences in movies etc for a guy) when I decide that it would be a good idea to tell Bridget about the feelings I have for her. Naturally being an idiot I figured an extravagant romantic gesture (thanks for the idea shitty rom-com) would be a good idea and so I ordered some really nice white roses (to use Bridget's words they were "Yeah like they're really fucking nice") to be delivered to her house the next day. Now because I'm chicken-shit about rejection and the like (quintessential redditor right here folks) I decided to send the flowers anonymously thinking that if she works it out she'll be really flattered (cue self-delusional dream straight from a rom-com Cinderella ending).
So I end up meeting up with Bridget the next day at uni knowing that she won't get the flowers until that night. We hang out for a couple of hours during which she starts talking about Sam and how she is a bit confused emotionally at the moment about where they stand but its implied that they are in a semi-serious relationship. At this point, I'm thinking "oh, fuck" and releasing that the flowers aren't perhaps the best think at the moment but still too chicken shit to say anything to her or warn her about the flowers.
So Bridget gets home and finds the flowers, and proceeds to be very concerned because a) the flowers are clearly really expensive (they cost about $140 AUD) and b) because they were sent anonymously she thinks that they are from her ex trying to get back with her.
We're having a text conversation and she is fairly concerned and worried about the flowers. So ultimately it gets to the stage where I figure I just need to tell her I sent them because its clear that she's not feeling good. So I end up telling her that I sent them and that I'm sorry for making her feel so alarmed. Then she asks why I sent them anonymously. I don't really have an answer to this which is awkward and then that was the end of the conversation. She never asked why I sent flowers, just why I sent them anonymously.
So now its really awkward between us, I didn't get the girl (so to speak) and I'm worried I've ruined a really good friendship. Its been two days now and we still haven't really talked. I get the feeling the flowers would of been fine as long as they weren't anonymous.
I don't know how to fix this.
TL;DR Tried to express my feelings to a girl I like a lot by sending anonymous flowers. Didn't realise she was already in another relationship. Girl freaks out. Now I may have ruined a good friendship.
rohlinxeg: "Why did you send them anonymously?"
"I thought it would be a fun mystery for you, and that the flowers would brighten your day. I never thought that someone would be unhappy to get random flowers. My bad."
rohlinxeg: "Weren't they expensive?"
"Nah, I had a coupon. It's really no big deal."
rohlinxeg: "But you know I'm in a relationship, right?"
"Yeah, I was just having fun, I didn't mean anything by it. Sorry it didn't work out right and things got blown way out of proportion. Honestly things couldn't have gone much worse. Heh..."
takemyadvice69: Bad advice - why would you complicate the situation by telling more lies; it might temporarily ease the situation but if its a relationship (friendship or dating) that you truly care about that's not going to help long term.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1407385640 | 1407452251 | t3_2cut70 | t5_2to41 | 1,209 | sitaenterprises: TIFU by telling my Senior Manager to go fuck himself
**Edit THE FIRST:** I'm in stunned silence over the gold. To paraphrase Ghandi, "Shit's mad cray." More edits at the bottom.
He wanted a starburst.
I spent a week putting together a business presentation that would be shown to a bunch of big-wigs in the company. It was clean, it was professional, it put forth all the information we wanted in a clear and concise manner. It was a beautiful piece of PowerPoint.
But my senior manager wanted a starburst.
On our first run-through in front of him, SnrMan wanted to add a starburst effect to one of my slides, with hokey text about the price of safety. This meant I would have to reformat that slide in particular and basically just clutter it to the point of obnoxiousness. It irked me, slightly, but SnrMan gets what SnrMan wants.
In our team, we like to joke around a bit. For instance, if someone leaves their computer open, we'll email a random team member from their email account as a joke. Usually profane, often sexually suggestive. It's just a joke, ha ha.
So I redid the presentation, and it looked stupid. I ranted to my team lead, Telly, that it threw off the format of the slide in particular and the presentation in general. He agreed that it did, but told me to email it to him so he could send it up the chain anyway. Duty called, and he stepped away for a sec.
Here is where my lapse in judgment occurred.
I emailed him the presentation, but in the body of the email, I added a starburst with text saying, "Go fuck yourself." I chuckled to myself as I clicked send, and headed back to work.
After a few steps, it hit me: what if Telly blindly sends the email?
Hmm. Better talk to him about that.
So I track him down and say, "Hey, don't send that email, ha ha."
"What??"
"Um. Don't send that email, I put a joke in there."
"Are you fucking shitting me?"
"No. Did you send it already?"
"Yeah I fucking sent it, I sent it as soon as I got it!"
Fuck me in the goat ass.
"Who did you send it to?" If I was lucky, it was just to our manager, who would laugh about it.
"Manager, SnrMan, and OperationsLady."
Motherfuck me in the facehole.
"Telly, we have to unsend that shit. Now."
We rushed over to the computer, Telly muttering under his breath about how I was going to get him fired. Another team member, Oso, was next to us pulling up some drawings.
The computer was slow as shit. While waiting for it to boot up, Telly sends me to give another team member a hand with some tools right quick. I figured it would be my last act at the company, and when I got back, Telly had his phone to his ear.
"Yes sir. No sir. Yes sir, he's right here. Yes sir, we're on our way."
Jesus Fucking Babydicks. This situation was sub-optimal.
So we start walking to SnrMan's office. I'm taking this time to mentally update my resume. We get to the manager's building and Telly pauses, looking through the small window in the door.
"The conference room's closed, he's still in the daily meeting," he says. "Just wait here."
We stand there, Telly looking pissed and me looking pitiful. I start to tell him how it was just a joke, ha ha, and he waves me off as he puts his phone to his ear again.
"Yes sir?" he says. "No sir. Uh, five o'clock I think. Yes sir." He puts his phone back in his pocket and turns to me.
"I've got to go get OtherManager. Wait here." He walks off.
I stand there with the poise and grace of someone irrevocably fucked.
A minute later, Oso walks by. I manage a grin, and say it was nice working with him. He shakes my hand and nods.
Then he says, "Yeah, Telly wanted me to come tell you: The joke's over." He grins wide.
Those motherfuckers.
I can't help but crack up. We walk back to our area, Oso ragging on me the whole time. I walk straight up to Telly, who's bent over laughing so hard, and high-five the shit out of him. Telly hadn't even opened the email yet when I told him about it, he just saw an opening and ran with it.
I love pulling pranks on people, and it's one of the things that makes my team awesome to work for.
Those assholes got me good.
**Edit THE SECOND:** I got Telly back.
**Edit TERTIUS:** SnrMan was on vacation, he didn't even get to see his starburst.
on_the_nightshift: How do I get a job where you work?!
Also,
>Jesus Fucking Babydicks. This situation was sub-optimal.
Were you ever in the military? This has got to be something you heard from a senior NCO.
sitaenterprises: Yeah, I've spent a little time in uniform. Come to the best state in the union and fill out an application.
on_the_nightshift: I'm already in Tennessee :D
sitaenterprises: The OTHER best state in the union.
avenlanzer: Texas, naturally.
sitaenterprises: I can't comment on this fact.
JumpInTheBox: Judging by your use of the phrase "right quick," your use of tenses, and your state pride, I would definitely guess Texas.
Source: Texan.
sitaenterprises: I can't comment on this fact either.
| 9 | 134.333333 | |
1407387356 | 1407440500 | t3_2cuveu | t5_2to41 | 102 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing out my sons jar of ass hair
My son is a manscapper. It's just something he does. His ass is among the areas that he shaves. I'm fine with it. I mean I'm not happy about it but it doesn't bother me either. Before I share this I just want to make it crystal clear that my son is by all accounts normal. He's considered by everyone to be a perfectly regular guy and this is one of few things he does that would be deemed "weird"
Almost 2 years ago my son was shaving his ass. He wasn't using cream he was just using a razor and the hairs were there on his bathroom counter. He got a lot of satisfaction out of looking at the hairs. There was a lot of his ass hair on the counter and now his ass was smooth like he wanted. That had all been on his ass and he felt like it had been negatively effecting his appearance and it felt good to know just how much of it he had expelled from his body. He got enough fulfillment out of looking at the progress of his work he decided he didn't want to get rid of it. He went and got an empty pickle jar washed it out and started to put the hairs into the jar. Every few weeks when he went back to shave his ass he'd take out the same pickle jar and put them inside. He did this for over a year and after a while a significant portion of the jar was full. He took the jar and had it hidden in the furnace room behind some old boxes because he rightly assumed that people would judge him for what he was doing.
I found the pickle jar recently and confronted him about it. I knew that it must be him because I was aware of his manscapping tendencies. I asked him what the fuck he was thinking and he explained his thought process to me and why he felt the urge to do it. I found his explanation exceptionally weird and later on I threw the jar out.
He came and asked my why the hell I'd thrown out his jar. I told him that I wanted to stop him from keeping up this little project of his because it was a fucking stupid thing to do. He said to me "I wouldn't expect you to understand it and I didn't need you to understand it. I made a choice to do it that's all you need to know. you might think it was weird but it wasn't hurting anyone. why do you have to be so narrow minded." The thing is that he actually managed to guilt trip me with his little soliloquy and he actually convinced me that I'd behaved like a dick.
EDIT: There are those who seem to think it's possible that I'm not truly the parent but rather the son writing as though I'm the parent. They find it very suspicious that I know so much about his thought process. How could I possibly know these things about his thought process? Because when I confronted him he TOLD ME. That simple
HereKittyKitty771: Threw it out? I would have chucked a few pickles in there with the ass hair and returned it to Krogers for a full refund.
NarcoticSqurl: From the Midwest are we? I've never known any other region to refer to Kroger as "Krogers".
grizzedram: Isn't that how the sign is written? "Kroger's" Cause it's Kroger's Store. Going on down to Kroger's, ya need anything?
NarcoticSqurl: Definitely written as Kroger lol. Used to work for them and I still called it Krogers though.
grizzedram: I guess my brain tricked me into thinking I'd been reading what I've been saying my whole life, lol.
NarcoticSqurl: Lol, my wife gives me shit for it all the time.
| 7 | 14.571429 | |
1407388541 | 1407389437 | t3_2cuwyz | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting mad and then slapping my face so hard my tooth broke. (Involves Alcohol)
Well Reddit... I'm an idiot. The story might sound off because I'm still very groggy
So earlier today, and yesterday my day had been quite shitty. Actually most days I have are shitty, but yesterday was slightly more shitty. I kept getting metaphorically shat on by my mother and brother. Nothing I do is good enough most times, I seem to be the "pick-on" target for a lot of people, especially my mom and brother
We were supposed to have a BBQ, we had all planned it 4 days ago with some friends. After all 3 of us (Me, my mother and brother) cleaned up the house for the guests, I decided it was time to start the BBQ fire. No one wanted to help me with that... My mother and brother were just grumpier than usual. It was just like last years Christmas, I had to set up the tree by myself while everyone was buying stuff. After I worked hard to set up the tree, I got no recognition and everyone still picked on me. Yesterday and today was no different, same deal except when I had a good fire going and charcoal burning slowly, my mother stepped in, claimed I didn't know what I was doing, then took over everything. So I held my anger in, and walked away to my PC and waited for things to get ready. After an hour later the BBQ pit was ready and I got no "Thanks for starting the fire" from anyone. "My mother did all the work."
My friend and his brother arrived slightly late, we were drinking, and I wasn't in a great mood. Then my friend's mother starts calling asking where he was. He *had* to lie because he's an idiot like that, and he does it every time to his mother, for what reason I don't know. I think it was to avoid getting into trouble, but it clearly makes things worse, not only for him but for me too since I have to step in at times to bail him out of a bad situation, or LIE for him too... I'm a shit liar, I always, or mostly tell the truth. Anywho, my friend is now lying out his ass then my mother comes in, takes the phone from him and explains where both him and his brother are at. I think that was for the best but then their mother calls my phone and pleads with me to take the bike keys from them so they don't go drunk driving home on a motorbike late at night. That's where things started to go wrong, I could not believe this shit was happening again where I'm the one who has to control my friends' stupid ass. Everything was boiling up in me, I hoped we were going to have a decent night, and nice warm fire with lots of chicken but no, there had to be some drama somewhere.
So there I am, trying to get the keys from my friend. I asked him, my mother asked him too at some point but he refused to hand because he said his mother is alone too late at night. Although that wasn't true at all, his mother had her father-in-law to keep her safe, along with her daughter and other son. Her husband is in the hospital for some pancreas problem. So yeah, I'm starting to get a bit angry because his mother trusted me to get the keys. I start to show my anger and my mother just blows up on me from outta no where telling me to shut up and let her handle it. It was THAT big of a deal, but she thought it was, and that I was too stupid to handle it myself. I didn't listen, so I guess that's where I'm an idiot. I yell at my mother to stop yelling and let me get keys from him, but then she yells at me even more. And then she threatens to bring my aunty into this... My aunty is a bit scary, and has a mean temper. Now I was already angry, and my mother saying she'll bring others into the matter just made me angrier. I yell at my mother "I don't care if you tell her! I'm not scared of her, I'll fight her too!" and then my mother blew up, if she got any more angrier, I could swear she'd blow up for real. Now she's full on screaming at me things I don't remember, my friend tries to calm everyone down. I regain my composure a few seconds later, and say "I'm going outside."
When I'm outside, I called their mother saying they won't give me the keys and I told her I didn't want to fight anyone. So she goes ahead and says "Just give him a slap and take the keys from him" I just face palm at all this shite and said I'll see what I can do. I go back in like 2 minutes later, and it seems that right after I stopped talking to my friends' mother, she called them straight away and told them that I called her and said they won't give me the keys. So my friends are all "Why'd you tell her we wouldn't give you the keys..", then my mother berates me again for doing that. I honestly think everyone's either all against me, or I really am a fucking idiot. I honestly don't care if it was either of those options at this point. I've given up on trying to be happy or anything happy. So I storm outside again for like 5 minutes trying to regain my composure once again but this time I couldn't, I'm beyond furious at this point and on the verge of breaking down, and I can hear in the background that my friend says "I can't just leave him like that."
That's where I fuck up again, not being able to lower my anger, my friend comes up behind me and tells me to come inside. I say in the coldest voice ever "Touch me and see what happens." I hated myself for saying that but I couldn't help it. I was fuming mad, and alcohol didn't help me. So he walked inside... then like a minute later I came in after washing my face. I sat down, things seemed to cool down and my friend, probably upset I said that earlier, goes "I don't have many good friends, but you're one of them. But I suppose even the good friends can be bad sometimes..." I stop him mid sentence and just walk upstairs. My mom says to leave me alone for a bit. I lock myself in my room, and while almost on the verge of breaking down into a big mess, I'm mad again, and my emotions were conflicted. I started to tear up at the whole thing, thinking I really am a fuck up. But then in my drunken state and mad state, I just slap myself extremely hard 'till my FRONT tooth broke. I think to myself that everyone else is a bunch of fucking morons. I spat out the broken piece, regained my composure one last time. Called their mother to say I couldn't do this, I tried my best to not sound like I was about to cry like a little bitch. I told her I fought with everyone, but she insisted still I take the keys. So I said I'll try one more time but I didn't mean it. I gave no more fucks anymore... I came back down maybe 10 minutes later and sat down. Everyone had cooled off from the most unnecessary bullshit I had witnessed. We all shoot the shit with alcohol. About 2 hours later, my friend is passed out from drinking. Then his brother gets up and says he should go back to his home and make sure his mother is okay. He drank too, but he was steady enough.. I just couldn't deal with anything else so I let him go. I carry my friend onto my bed, and before sleeping, I called his brother to see if he made it home alright, and he did. Thank God.
So here I am now, just sent my friend out the door an hour ago. Our other friend came to pick him up. It hurts to eat or breath in through my mouth because the sensitive part in my tooth is exposed. It's the front, bottom middle right tooth that broke... Worst thing is, we don't have money yet to fix my tooth. My mother doesn't know, no one else knows. Just you guys and me.
TL;DR - Got into many arguments, almost broke down in a fit of rage, slapped myself so hard to regain composure and my tooth broke. Spat it out, thought everyone else is a little shit. Went back to drinking and partying.
SHUMAGORATH7: Lots of words champ
_Sandor_Clegane_: I just needed to get this all off my chest.. Talking about it made me feel somewhat better
SHUMAGORATH7: Its okay, I understand... http://www.memecenter.com/fun/438990/stormtroopers-didnt-read-lol
| 4 | 1 | |
1407389641 | 1407394328 | t3_2cuyfu | t5_2to41 | 5 | Rezoq: TIFU by letting an Indian Kid copy me for two years.
PM_ME_YOUR_CHINS: Right now I'm doing some work dealing with something called "entrainment". Basically, it's natural for people to start using each other's words and gestures. I haven't read any research dealing with anything beyond words and gestures, so I'll just speak specifically about what I know.
The mimicry is a way for people to relate more easily. It doesn't happen consciously, as in, your friend doesn't intentionally start using your catch phrase. It just happens when two people interact, and if you spend a lot of time together, it's bound to happen.
Cut your friend some slack and don't be a dick. If you need a break as friends then do it gently, because you've known this guy your whole life, in a few years you'll want to be cool with him again.
kevinh1212: This. Don't worry about it. In a few years it wont mean shit and you will still be great friends. Don't take high school so seriously.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407391387 | 1407427401 | t3_2cv0ht | t5_2to41 | 575 | willnoonan: TIFU by ignoring a couple bees in my bedroom until things got insane.
For the past couple weeks I've probably seen a bee in my bedroom every single day. Usually a lone bee. I don't kill insects if I can avoid it. I'm not a religous zealot or anything, but a bee is just trying to be a bee and I'm not just going to squash it for being creepy. I usually just open a window and shoo them out or extend a magazine for them to crawl onto and I shake them off out the window.
Well, this morning I noticed a bee and did my window magazine trick and went on with my day. I didn't get back into the bedroom until around 6pm and I was thinking of taking a quick nap when I noticed about 4 or 5 bees flying around my closed window, inside my room.
This finally got my attention and I decided to investigate. After smoking some weed. Now stoned [6] I look around for bees entering my bedroom. Both my windows are on the same side so I didn't have much of a crime scene to really investigate. Pretty quickly I realized they were coming in this tiny gap at the bottom of my air conditioner flap/window connector thing.
Theres a bunch of blankets piled next to my ac that I never put away from winter. They're kind of covering the hole and when I move those...
6 more bees fly around me and now they're getting a little pissed off.
My dog flees the scene.
Instead of running I grab a roll of duct tape that was on my desk at arms length. I rip a huge piece off thinking I'm going to cover the hole.
I put my hand down and barely put it on before a ton more bees start coming in and I pull back and kind of dance around shrieking. The duct tape was hanging over the hole and bees were just going around it.
I then made a horribe mistake.
I took a baseball bat and poked the hole hard 3 times, I guess I was just seeing if there was a hive on the other side I could knock loose or what.
Bees began pouring in through the hole at an alarming rate. They were climbing over each other with force. Outside my window was a swarm of mayhem, trying to get in. There were easily 70 to 80 bees inside my bedroom.
It was World War Bee.
I retreated and got clothed in a hoodie and thick jeans. I opened my door a bit and looked in and was agast at the sight of all these bees flying around in my room. I sprayed a ton of lysol in there (the only aersol I had) and it confused them enough that I could get back in there.
Then I got stung. Then I decided to start killing bees. Using an old copy of Mad Magazine I squashed a few then had a decent idea: Smoke!
I threw a piece of paper and a ton of vaporized weed in an ashtray and set it on fire. I opened the windows wide and left the room for 5 minutes. When I came back only 3 drunken bees remained and I killed them. When I squashed one another one picked up his torso and starting walking off with it. It reminded me of Saving Private Ryan and made me sad.
Then I taped up the AC fully. Couldn't find any hive inside or outside upon inspection. Very odd. The bees have gone. They're still hovering around outside and my room smells like lysol and burnt shit. And my hand hurts.
Edit* Thank you so much for the gold, anonymous supporter. Your donation will go directly to the front lines of World War Bee and are sure to boost morale.
UPDATE: Shit got crazy. I made another post that includes photos: [TIFU by ignoring a couple bees in my bedroom until things got insane. UPDATE/PHOTOS](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cwz8p/tifu_by_ignoring_a_couple_bees_in_my_bedroom/)
paranoiastrikesdeep: Perhaps next time you should call a beekeeper so something like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1GadTfGFvU) doesn't happen. Seriously though, call a beekeeper rather than an exterminator. They don't kill the bees and they can prevent the hive from returning.
eattyrat: Given the aggressiveness of these, as described by OP, there's a pretty good chance these weren't bees but rather wasps or yellow jackets.
willnoonan: Definitely yellow jackets, the dead ones have the basic yellow and black stripes and the sting wasn't all that bad.
eattyrat: Yeah, in that case nuke it from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.
willnoonan: Wait are yellow jackets like basic bees? These were just your average everyday bees. Uniiiidaaaaaannnnnn!!!!
randomdice101: He's been banned.
willnoonan: He must have a new username by now right?
randomdice101: I heard he was using unidanx but people are still mad at him and downvote all his replies so I haven't really seen him around (he also probably doesn't have gold anymore).
willnoonan: I'm mad at him. I also wish he went down in a blaze of glory instead of trying to kiss mod ass until the end in hopes of a reprieve.
randomdice101: I don't really understand why people get so mad about karma. He got banned and has to start over isn't that enough though? He didn't win money or anything by having more karma?
willnoonan: I used to get annoyed with seeing his comments on every post that had anything to do with biology (which is almost everything) and I wondered how crappy comments did so well. Then I found out he was manipulating votes and that's breaking the reddit code big time.
randomdice101: Yeah which is how he ended up being banned. I just don't get the whole must have witch-hunt part lol. I didn't browse many areas with biology so I didn't see him much. I see _vargas_ more but his replies are more comedy and less serious.
willnoonan: Yeah the witch hunt part sucks. That's reddit for you. It giveth and it taketh away.
| 14 | 41.071429 | |
1407388200 | 1407538375 | t3_2cuwjh | t5_2to41 | 23 | FuzzyWazzyWasnt: TIFU By Standing Up
So happened a bit ago, but thought it was worth telling.
Background: I work mornings (4:30 in the morning, sometimes 4 or 3:30) at my parents shop. One of the first things I do when I arrive is turn on the grill. Now this grill has two sets of burners, as well as a pilot light for each. One set for the left half and one for the right. Typically we only turn on the left half.
This grill is quite temperamental, turning it on half way provides enough gas to ignite the burners. Turn it slightly more than half to make it hot enough, and slightly more than that to burn every piece of food that touches the grill. Unfortunately the control is EXTREMELY stiff, so the amount of effort it takes to start moving it might accidentally add too much momentum and over do it.
When I walk in I do my routine and attempt to get this grill going. I put it slightly pass half, walk away, assuming the burners lit. Well I come back moments later and it still didnt light. So I crouch down to check the pilot lights and the left one is out. Well fuck, so I attempt to blow the gas into the right pilot light (which typically works). Well, nothing.
So in my daze of laziness I attempted to up the left control and try blowing again. And nothing! I didnt smell any gas yet so there was no reason to assume I was basking in it. I kind of sat there for a strong moment hesitant to move 20 feet to grab the lighter. Look over my shoulder to see my dad glaring at my lethargy. So in a sudden 'get your shit together' moment I took a big breath and bounced up and a bit back. As explosive as my movement was, so was the gas that was building up under the grill. In a massive SWWWWWWWWWOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH flames erupted out and engulfing the entire grill, as well as shooting straight out toward my face. Due to my inhale, I inhaled a bunch of the heat, royally fucking with my taste buds for the entire day.
OldieButNotMoldy: Why is there a grill in a shop and unless you make the doughnuts there is no good reason to get up that early for this girl. Hell. To. The. No!
FuzzyWazzyWasnt: Psh! Bagels! We open around 530 for that customer basis going to work. Surprisingly fucking busy. Damn near packed by 6.
OldieButNotMoldy: As you can tell I'm not a morning person, I'm usually going to sleep at 5 lol
Edit: word
FuzzyWazzyWasnt: Ahahaha oh god, I envy people like you man. That actually sounds delightful... and helluva social life.
OldieButNotMoldy: I'm a girl and I wish. I'm actually a firefighter/emt and I work mostly nights and days/nights on weekends. Kinda works out perfectly since I hate mornings.
FuzzyWazzyWasnt: Sorry saying "man" has become a androgynous term: bad habit.
But yeah that is damn rough! Really takes a toll on what you can do socially or even for yourself at that point. At least your job is easily worth it!
OldieButNotMoldy: Everyone thinks I'm a man by the way I write it's weird. I love my job it's hands down the best job in the world. I don't mind the hrs I spend working.
FuzzyWazzyWasnt: Well dont take this offensively but almost all of the female firefighter's/hell jumpers I have met have been crazy androgynous. Almost all have extremely attractive though.
I am so glad you enjoy it though, are you going to keep going with your education and try out paramedic?
OldieButNotMoldy: If you would see me you would never know by looking at me that I'm a firefighter. Sometimes I have actually show proof that I am indeed a firefighter lol.
Hell yes, right now I'm saving up money in order to take the med class, I have already started studying the text book so I will be ahead of the game.
FuzzyWazzyWasnt: Lol I take that you mean that in an extremely positive way??
Well fucking done! Way to be preemptive about it all. Doesnt your employer cover most of the fees for the class?
OldieButNotMoldy: Yes, I can look like a princess and look like I climbed down a chimney all in the same day lol.
Not my dept we only get a certain amount and it's not good for much of anything. We don't have a lot of funding for much extra stuff. It's ok tho I'd much rather have the stuff I need to stay safe then go to school. I'll do it, it will just take more time then it usually does. It will just be that much more sweeter when I pass.
| 12 | 1.916667 | |
1407391017 | 1407394386 | t3_2cv029 | t5_2to41 | 8 | UniversesEnd: TIFU by sweating and not locking the door
Okay so allow me to explain a few things before we get started so I can give you the full picture (as one guy got) of my post. Everyday I walk to walk for a good forty minutes and lately the weather in jolly old England has been skyrocketing, this has led to a unusual amount of sweat building up around my forehead everyday on my walk, most times I don’t even bring a drink of water because I’m an idiot.
I’m also an idiot because on the Sunday just past I went into my local shopping center to pick up some new underwear, mainly because at this point all the underwear I have either had Homer Simpsons face on it of reindeer and snowflakes, Christmas underoos from eight months ago that I’ve been wearing for so long that it’s almost the season to be wearing them again. Of course I’m a moron, an absolute moron because due to my lack of will to shop I just threw my underwear of choice into the trolley without looking at the size.
I bought two sizes larger than needed, that comes into play for the story.
So I headed out to work this morning, painfully aware of my large boxers and sweating so much I could barely see through my eyes. When I get into my place of work my shirt is soaked all the way through with one thick line across it bathed in the aforementioned sweat where my bag strap had been across my chest, but I had prepared for this moment dear reader, not wanting to sit in the soaked attire all day I packed my work shirt separate, so it would be nice and clean and more importantly…dry.
I took my new shirt and went to the bathroom to change, now I should mention at this point the next nuisance to my summer day, for some reason unknown to me my neck was killing right down to my back. I don’t know if its due to the way I slept or picking up heavy loads but my back was killing me and when I got into work I had the start of a massive headache on my hands…or head as it were.
Now reason with me if you will, after walking for forty minutes in the boiling heat, sweating so much that my eyes are watering and my shirt is soaked through whilst also dealing with terrible neck pain and what feels like a massive headache coming on, I was bound to make a mistake wasn’t I, surely I was, all of the above against me how could I not.
I get into the stall and take my sweaty top off, hanging it on the provided hook behind the door and then I realize that due to the rancid sweat pouring through my skin and the constant motion of my walking through the city, my underwear, large underwear had gotten itself knotted up and twisted so much that it was giving my groin pain.
Here’s the interesting part, my god it’s the interesting part, I pull my trousers down and my underwear along with it as I attempt to undo the damage of my stride, correcting and flattening it. Then I hear it, the most terrifying noise you could ever hear when you’re in such a compromising position, the click of the door and the twist of its handle.
In my rush, in my aching and sweating state I had forgotten to do the most important thing of all, THE DOOR BEHIND ME WAS UNLOCKED. GOD HELP ME. I HAD FORGOTTEN. TO LOCK. THE DOOR.
A fucking new guy rushes the door open and this is what he sees, a naked sweaty man bent over with his ass high up in the air, an ass I might say that was perfectly pointed towards the door, what he had you could say was a front row seat to the butt show and for a good three seconds there was awkward silence, I didn’t move, he didn’t move, our fates intertwined in that moment and then he very calmly shut the door.
I promptly lock the door and burst into a quiet laughter, I’m giggling right now, the dude had only been working here for a couple of months and my ass (which I could compare to the hairiness of a gorilla) was going to be the low point of his day, hell maybe his week and I found that hysterical.
Worst part is I can’t even remember who it is, I hadn’t seen him enough to recognize him around the place, I guess I’ll be watching out for the guy crying in the corner when I turn my back to him.
Anyway that’s my day, how was yours?
TL;DR I fucked up by not blocking the door to a changing room, so a guy could walk in and get full view of my ass
Stretch92009: Your storytelling fu is strong.
UniversesEnd: Thanks man! (Or woman, I'm not prejudice...)
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407393106 | 1407927369 | t3_2cv2ek | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by jokingly calling my gf fat
Ok so I fucked up last night. My girlfriend is on her rag so she offered to give me a bj before heading to sleep. She gets started and midway in I say to her 'I love you' to which she immediately spits my penis out and retorts 'I love you more'. My glorious brain decides to intervene and utters 'That's not true cos there's just more of you to love'.
Ended up sleeping on the couch and I don't know if we are ever going to have sex ever again :(
Sigularusrex: A girlfriend never remembers the thousands of times you call her beautiful, just the one time you call her fat.
J9ZR: Can confirm.
Sigularusrex: .. are you my girlfriend?
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1407394835 | 1407489086 | t3_2cv444 | t5_2to41 | 7 | freedom1776usa: tifu by forgetting to feed my cat
Well, last night after work i was tired as fuck. All i wanted to do was get on my PJs and go to sleep. I was so tired from working overtime, i forgot to feed my cat and turn off the tv! I never made it to my bed last night, because i had past out on the couch from exhaustion. This morning, i woke up to find my cat staring at me dead in the eyes, with the tv on full blast. so i put him on the table and gave him some milk. After that, i got cleaned up and got ready for work. When i was grabbing for my hat this morning I saw my cat once again staring at me very sad and depressed like, but i was running late so i left. Then about 3 hours later my girlfriend calls me and said" WTF?! you never bothered to feed your cat? I sighed and wondered, is that what my cat was trying to tell me? So anyways, when i came home that night, i found a note on my fridge. The note said,"Dear freedom, even though we have been dating for about a year now. i cant stand your complete disregard to your cat and yourself!" On the back, it had my girlfriends signature with a picture of my cat and said,"i Will return if, you care about us!" In conclusion, tifu bad :(
[deleted]: Says the guy who made up some bullshit about his brother's wife coming over to his house to fuck him.
Stop lying, liar.
freedom1776usa: But this actually happened? bigot
[deleted]: Yesterday I proved you a liar. Today, you proved yourself an idiot.
Good job.
freedom1776usa: what, do you want proof? Here is a picture of him last week! http://imgur.com/3OJenwL
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407394952 | 1407419393 | t3_2cv47y | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU By sending my shrek drawing
[deleted]: Total fuck up dude. I'd skip town and relocate very far if I were you.
Ludacon: Fake your death first, dont want anyone to suspect you've made a new life as Daniel 'Snowball' McDonkeypunch
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407393924 | 1407398573 | t3_2cv372 | t5_2to41 | 11 | 808metz: TIFU getting caught having sex by a girls super religious mom.
DocWattz: Man, if this had really happened it would have been hilarious.
808metz: i bet if i said "i shoulda made a throw away account but whatever fuck it" you'd probably be convinced right?
DocWattz: Not a chance.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1407397147 | 1407461739 | t3_2cv6bz | t5_2to41 | 62 | Moki360: TIFU By exposing my cat to the inside of a beanbag chair.
Well, one day, was sitting around, just playing video games in a wonderful black beanbag chair. Perhaps my fat ass was sitting in it for too long because I noticed the bag was sagging. So whatever crossed my mind, I still don't understand my train of thought, but it ended up with me getting the bright idea to put all of my surplus bubble wrap inside of it.
I dunno if you've ever seen what's inside a beanbag chair, but it is basically a giant bag filled with Styrofoam balls. With the now open bag staring at me like Satan's dark asshole filled with Dippin' Dots, I went downstairs and grabbed my bubble wrap. When I returned upstairs, my cat(the asshole) decided to investigate the tiny white balls. She slowly approached it, and gradually walked inside. After a minute of watched her, she must've decided it was a good place to sit. Luckily, she was unaware of my presence, so i thought it would be funny if I scared her with the popping sound of the bubble wrap. I clenched my hands around the glorious plastic sheet, and twisted. Like one of those farts that come once in a lifetime, it unleashed a thunderous clapping sound. The satisfaction from the wonderful sound soon vanished as my cat bolted up and sprinted out of the room.
Well. Styrofoam sticks to anything with static electricity. My cat must've had a metric ass ton of static, because she must've taken 1,000 little Styrofoam balls with her. Covered in plastic snow, she raced down the steps, all the way into the living room. I was stunned at what I saw.
For every fucking step she took she shed 25 little Styrofoam balls. It was fucking *everywhere*. I tried to think, but, i just couldn't.
After a second, I dropped the bubble wrap, and began to pick them up. 1 by 1. I followed the trail down the steps into the living room, to which the trail did a figure eight and went into my basement. In the end, I picked up a full plastic bag full of fucking white balls, in the mean time my cat kept running around the house, spreading the static disease. It took me a damn hour to pick it all up.
TL;DR Cat was curious, spent an hour on my knees picking up white stuff, which just stuck to everything.
ashgtm1204: Chase her with the vacuum- she'll know better next time.
kynlais: Or use the vacuum to clean up.
ashgtm1204: True. However if the beads are sticking to the cat's fur and falling off as she's moving around, it's better to at least try to vacuum them off her first.... or at least chase her with it until she's shaken them all off.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1407396848 | 1407448780 | t3_2cv623 | t5_2to41 | 20 | asweetscorpio: TIFU by going to McDonalds at 3 AM.
So, it's 3:30 AM and since I was up I decided that I should take a trip to McDonalds and let my dog get some air. Now, I had a drink or two earlier and took a nap, so besides a little headache I thought I was perfectly fine.
My driving is okay and I order with no problems, now I'm at the pay window. I notice there is a donation box, so I get a couple of coins I had in my purse and I'm throwing it in there. The cashier opens the window and I raise my hand to him with nothing in it, and I start to panic. I tell him, “I just dropped my debt card in there.” And he looks at me like I’m joking. He obviously wants to laugh but he goes to grab his supervisor instead, and she tells me she doesn’t think she has keys to the box.
After about 3 minutes of her trying different keys, it is confirmed. I donated my fucking debt card to Ronald Fucking McDonald. I’m too fucking embarrassed to go back there, I want to call back tomorrow and tell them to cut up my card (when they get it) and get a replacement in the mail.
Moral of the story, don’t go to McDonalds and give a shit about charity at the same time.
PC-AgentEagle: Open 24 hours a day. What a stupid idea! Who wants a ~~Krabby Patty~~ cheeseburger at three in the morning?
asweetscorpio: A Bacon Clubhouse Burger sounded like a good idea at the time. :(
beer4engineer: A Bacon Clubhouse Burger is **always** a good idea. Trust me, I'm an undergraduate!
asweetscorpio: I had a coupon for a free fry and drink with the burger. Only came out to like $4. :)
| 5 | 4 | |
1407393830 | 1407421892 | t3_2cv342 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Penguinbashr: TIFU by saying the wrong thing in a phone interview
I have been looking for a job for a pretty long time. I am about 9 months unemployed, I need money, and more importantly I want to "grow up" and get my life together. I told this story when I went out with friends tonight, it's a story they had to hear in person.
So here is my amazing fuck up of the day. I had just finished an interview and went over to my granny's who lived really close and I hadn't seen her in a while. I head on over and we play some crib, chatting it up. My phone rings and it's a phone interview. I excuse myself from the table, go to my old room and begin this process.
Now, my mind had been wandering that day and it was just the basic questions at first: Why do you want to work here? If you saw your coworker doing something illegal how would you respond? We get a bit more casual with the interview as she asks me some other questions. We get to the "greatest strength, biggest weakness" stuff and this is where I fucked up.
Because I would be working near a lot of power tools, some heights, think of a construction site, she had wanted to see if I was comfortable in this work environment. She asked me "What is your biggest fear" and I blurted out "Well my biggest fear is that I have autism and no one has bothered to tell me." Dead. Fucking. Silence. About 10 seconds later it's "W-what, excuse me?"
My mind was racing at this point "FUCK did I just say that outloud?" I really fucked up. At this point it wasn't salvageable. I just said a "I'm sorry, thank you for your time, I have to go. Thanks for considering me in this position." I hung up, I'm sure she was still wondering WHO could say that during an interview. But I have never ever fucked up that bad on an interview.
I've had poor interviews, sure, but everyone does when they are just starting out. I don't even want to apply to more jobs right now. I'm thinking that I might actually be autistic.
TL;DR: During a phone interview I said my greatest fear was that I was autistic and no one had bothered to tell me. Interviewer didn't know how to respond and I hung up shortly after.
I'm also going to bed now. I am expecting another call in the next couple days and need to keep a decent sleep schedule. If I don't answer it's not because "OP is lying" It's because I'm sleeping off the stupidity.
[deleted]: TBH the question is pretty personal
Literally_Doge: And somewhat irrelevant imo
Penguinbashr: A lot of interviews have bee different for me. Some are irrelevant and some are personal. A couple years ago I interviewed at safeway, most of that interview was full of weird questions.
xshivax: There was a post on prolifetips that hit the front page yesterday, helping unemployed people fix up their resumé and giving them tips how to get a job and interview processes etc. You should check it out :)
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1407399692 | 1407416799 | t3_2cv8lc | t5_2to41 | 36 | keirasocks: TIFU by forgetting to plug in headphones
So I came home a little tipsy after a long night out on the town. I live in a shared apartment with three other people who are pretty chill for the most part, despite being these sheltered second/third-year undergraduate students (I recently graduated). They absolutely hate noise after 11 PM which is understandable, especially when there are paper-thin walls separating a bedroom to both the left and right of my own room.
Anyways, I sneak in at around 3:30 without making so much as a sound before tip-toeing to my room and dodging the creaky spot on the hardwood floors. I get undressed and am restless from some drinks I had with Red Bull in them**. So I decide to "unwind" per se by grabbing my vibrator out from under my bed, putting my headphones on and go to town.
Now I watch some pretty... let's go with "interesting" porn when drunk because half the time between moans and focusing on what's happening I'm laughing my ass off. This time there wasn't so much laughter as there was me "turning it up to 11" and trying to cum before bed. For a good 20-25 minutes I'm watching porn with the housecoat (bath robe) off, masturbating, and watching porn that even Hunter S. Thompson would be amateur hour for. I finish before tossing the vibrator aside and put my computer to sleep mode before passing the fuck out myself.
I wake up with a hangover and put on my housecoat before heading to the kitchen for some much-needed coffee. It was around 8-ish in the morning, and since my roommates are students I knew none of the would be up at this hour since I know their schedules.
I was wrong.
I head to the kitchen to find all three of them staring blankly in silence at each other. I nonchalantly ask what the deal is before they tell me that they heard EVERYTHING. The porn, the moans, you name it. In my drunken stupor I put my headphones on, yet never plugged them into the headphone jack on my speakers to enjoy in silence. To add insult to injury, my super-Christian roommate was kept up by this rattling against the wall all night. Turns out when I discarded my vibrator I left it on and it was hitting the wall and reverberating for several hours as the batteries died after my grand finale. My roommates haven't even looked at me for the rest of the morning.
**TL;DR- Came home drunk, put headphones on without plugging them in, played violent porn loudly, masturbated loudly, left vibrator on all night by accident to remind Jesus-boy of how loudly I just sinned.**
**Tara Reid shot : half a redbull, half a smirnoff ice, half a beer, tequila shot, vodka shot and a drop shot of jager. Use a pint glass
alffff: What I dont understand is why your roommates dont ask to turn the sound off. Why would they just lay in bed bothered by the sound and dont say anything at that moment.
MrQuaniboy: Well i think that it wouldn't be such a good idea to walk into a room from which you can hear moaning and a vibrating sound from.
alffff: Or a really good idea. Depends how you look at it.
| 4 | 9 | |
1407397849 | 1407530379 | t3_2cv6yc | t5_2to41 | 11 | johnnythornton: TIFU by not accepting fellatio from a beautiful German girl
This actually happened about four years ago, when I was 17 and on vacation in Europe with my grandparents and sister.
On to the story: Me and my sister were staying in youth hostels while my grandparents stayed in hotels. I would typically get truckee at night on the hostel patio with rando international people. This patio, in fact https://www.google.com/maps/uv?hl=en&pb=!1s0x47f4ebabeaac1845:0xb63145d884563445!2m5!2m2!1i80!2i80!3m1!2i100!3m1!7e1!4shttp://www.panoramio.com/photo/24597070!5syouth+hostel+vieux+lyon+-+Google+Search&sa=X&ei=9C3jU4KmG4yRyASX94CYDg&ved=0CMoBEKIqMAs. Jesus I need to learn how to do hyperlinks.
Anyway, I'm a pretty good looking guy and I also like to be gregarious, so I tend to meet women. It so happens that this night, me and a cool English fellow named Ben were competing for the attention of this beautiful girl from Bavaria. Seriously like 9.9/10. She made it pretty clear that she preferred me over him, and he eventually went to bed. Cool.
Me and the girl go for a walk around Lyon at around 2 AM and then start getting it on. Eventually she gets onto her knees and lays her head and hands on my thighs, and says "what does this make you think of?" in an incredibly seductive way.
And I froze.
"Oh nothing in particular."
"what? Nothing? This doesn't make you think of anything?"
"Yeah, I can't think of anything"
She goes to bed and I kick myself. God I regret that. Also this one Asian girl in Seattle who wanted to fuck, I regret not hitting that. And this other Latvian girl at that same hostel a few days after this incident. Almost all of my regrets are based on not having sex with someone.
*facepalms*
OldieButNotMoldy: Pictures or she was a 2. Also wtf were you thinking man, you may need to turn in your man card.
johnnythornton: I earned back my man card by doing a bunch of other manly shit since then.
OldieButNotMoldy: Just like that commercial when the man uses the women's snatch wash lol
johnnythornton: I was thinkin' more along the lines of hiking and chopping down trees and building cool stuff.
Example: I own an anvil. An actual anvil, that I use pretty often. Manly as fuck.
OldieButNotMoldy: No in the commercial he uses her snatch wash and has to do all kinds of manly things like you mentioned above. Lol. What exactly does one do with an anvil anyways?
johnnythornton: Hammer shit. In my case I make metal bowls, and whatever else I feel like.
OldieButNotMoldy: Wow that's really cool, I think you can keep your man card. I can't take it anyways I'm a girl lol
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1407382420 | 1407401221 | t3_2cuono | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU i forgot to pay my sister's credit card bill
today i fucked up because i forgot to pay my sister's credit card bill.
before she left for her vacation, the left her money to me so i could pay her credit card bill. aaaaand it slipped through my mind. now it is 4 days past its due date. when she asked me if i paid it. i was like sheeiiiit. and then i said i forgot it, and then she started saying "oh my god, oh my god" then she ran to her room crying.
i feel really really bad for forgetting it. then i went to her room trying to give her money and she says "no, i will pay for it". and now i feel even more bad. damn, she says that she has never missed a payment before and the now she has to pay double
pinkzeppelinx: This her first missed payment? Have her call the CC company and ask to wave the fee or whatnot, usually works
gruevee: my father have suggested that, i dont know if the company did wave it
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407400061 | 1407956023 | t3_2cv8x0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | instantaneous_regret: TIFU by talking about the middle east with strangers on the Internet
randomdice101: you can do this: \[texthere\]\(url here\)
instantaneous_regret: AhA! I knew it involves brackets and text! Huzzah!
randomdice101: It's in the formating help section as well...
instantaneous_regret: Oh. Well, that would make sense.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1407402079 | 1407488255 | t3_2cvaqt | t5_2to41 | 16 | bumbleeds: TIFU by drawing a load of penis in science class.
This happened a few years back in my early years of high school. It was one of those lessons where you class teacher asks you to open your text book and just stare endlessly at the pages, because learning rule. Now in our school these books are not our property they are provided each and every science lesson. I was in that awkward teenage phase where every chance I could get I would draw an erect penis. I just so happened to be with two other guys who also found this science lesson particularly boring and so we grabbed our pens like the three musketeers and held them in the air, we vowed to draw as many hard cock-and-balls as possible. We turned guys holding wheelbarrows in to to guys holding cocks, we gave elephants erect penis, girl holding a beaker? NAH! Girl holding an ejaculating penis, blasting in her face!
As all three of us sat there majestically chortling to ourselves, our science teacher saw that we were actually having fun, stormed over and wanted to take a look for himself. Obviously, we fought him to the death and refused to let him see our art work. Eventually he conquered the weaker one of us three and saw his book. We were defeated, we couldn't let our fellow brother go down as the only cock artist in the classroom, we handed over our science books and were asked to leave the room. The principal of our school came and marched us to his office, interviewing each of us one-by-one. We refused to speak as he yells at us excessively and questions our sexuality. Eventually he called our parents.
My parents show up and we go in to the principals office again, he questions my sexuality in front of my parents again and suggests I seek professional help, he fined my parents and made them pay for the text book as well as expelling us from school for a week. Safe to say my dad was pissed and continued to question my sexuality all the way through college, as I refused to bring a female home. My mom just laughed it off and asked if we could keep the text book since she is paying for it and would like to frame some of the pictures and show them to my future sexual partners to remind them I loved to draw large cummy-dicks.
TL;DR - Loved to draw cock in school books, got caught. Sexuality questioned by principal. Mom wanted to frame cock pictures. Dad things I'm gay.
evenem: They questioned your sexuality ? Principal suggest you seek professional help ? WTH is wrong with them ? That's what I get from you story.
bumbleeds: Correct, principal suggested I seek some form of mental help and that I may very well be gay. I have nothing wrong with people being gay at all, but I certainly was not gay, just loved to draw cocks on everything. Let's just say our principal was a massive douche. I told him once he typed his password in the username bar when he was logging on to his laptop while connected to the projector in class. He lost his shit, screamed at me expelled me from school for two days. My dad was the type of guy who was brought up in a very strict family with education being important so when I did anything out of line he would go full Hitler on me.
Chukwuuzi: Your name certainly suggests otherwise :p
bumbleeds: =[ I created this name whilst having a poo, I think I had a couple of piles and they exploded, voila. Name.
Chukwuuzi: Ouch does it still bleed to this day?
bumbleeds: only on a bad day.
| 7 | 2.285714 | |
1407402522 | 1407467992 | t3_2cvb5p | t5_2to41 | 40 | Permanganation: TIFU by deleting all my honeymoon photos
Well, it was a late night and the wife was already asleep, and I was fiddling around on my phone. I had been annoyed for some time at how slow the phone was, and finally decided to just wipe it and re-download all my apps and shit. It wasn't until the moment after I hit factory reset that I realized that my phone was the only thing that had all our honeymoon pictures on it. I panicked, and spent all night trying various data recovery programs to no avail. Apparently Google fucked up too by removing the ability to connect as a USB Mass Storage device in 4.2.2. Anyway, do to my late night stupidity we have now lost all record of our honeymoon. I am a piece of shit. Now I have to tell my wife what I did. Fuck.
monsda: I'd say you're both a little at fault for not having any backups. Try to pass some of the blame on to her.
[deleted]: might not be the best idea right after *he* deleted the only known copy
monsda: Shhhh....let's see if we can get him another TIFU out of this.
[deleted]: TIFU -- I deleted our honeymoon photos and then blamed it on my wife
Permanganation: Yaaaaa, I really would prefer it not to go that way. I am strongly considering dropping the phone in a toilet today, so at least it seems like a total accident. Better to pay a few hundred bucks for a new phone than to live the next 50 years with her secretly growing resentment... right?
monsda: No. Don't do that.
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1407407882 | 1407429248 | t3_2cvfqp | t5_2to41 | 224 | A_Very_Black_Plague: TIFU by almost killing myself and my brother.
I happened to be in China visiting my relatives. We live in a more rural area, there happens to be a lot of mountains and hills surrounding the place. My brother and I, along with another friend and his mom, go exploring the countryside. Well, forced to explore is more like it. My parents got fed up with me sitting in the house and going on my computer so they effectively kicked me out so I could "get a feel for the country and it's people" blah blah blah.
Well, on this one particular mountain/hill/anomaly, there's a huge dragon twisting up the mountain/hill/anomaly. To describe it, it's a gold dragon headed polished rock slide going from the top of the hill to the bottom. I'd say 100 meters tall. Apparently this was a business where you paid some guy at the top and you'd ride an apparatus to the bottom. Walking towards it, we have this brilliant idea of avoiding the creepy old money takers at the top of the hill and climb up the slide through the dragon head. Mind you, the whole thing was made of solid rock, this'll be important later.
Climbing up the slide, we crawl through about 30 meters to a flat stretch, and go down on our bottoms like a normal slide, at a heart pounding, soul wrenching, TWO MILES AN HOUR. Not to mention we occasionally have to push ourselves through...not fun at all.
Well, being the adventurous daring youngster I am, I need some more thrill for my efforts. Suddenly, I spy the Holy Grail of slide contraptions, a plastic box meant for carrying vegetables. I fit snugly inside, and whats more important, it fits inside the slide. Hell yes, I say.
The cart goes up the slide easily enough, even if it's about a 45 degree slope, since rock and plastic have little friction between to speak of. Once I reach the same halfway point, I go down, hard.
If you've never ridden a vegetable cart down a mountain, I don't recommend it. The thing about plastic boxes that the makers fail to mention is that THEY DON'T COME WITH BRAKES. And I ride the roller coaster of Hell as Satan's newest guest.
I get more than I bargained for and approach terminal velocity in a flimsy plastic box through a godforsaken land. I fucked up, seriously. The snug way I fit in the box worked against me. If you're ever riding down a tight fitting box at 45 mph, you'll find it hard to extricate yourself. And the worst was yet to come.
At the bottom, there were the dragon teeth I mentioned. Luckily, they had a sandbag there to prevent riders from killing themselves, but I managed to work through that. Riding a cart that wouldn't survive an impact with a pillow, I plough into the sandbag at pants-pissing speeds, the box shatters on impact and I'm thrown forward.
And I land hard.
On concrete.
I MEAN REALLY? WHO PUTS CONCRETE ON A GODDAMN MOUNTAIN???
I skid across the concrete and my brother happens to be standing at the landing zone where I skid into him as well. My face goes into his feet and I almost push him off a ledge, almost. He escapes almost unscathed except a with a few marks here and there that look like teeth bites. I, however, get a toenail to the face that gouges me. I leave with extensive scrapes across my body and a torn upper lip while escaping death in a way that would've ticked off Darwin.
Tl;dr: Parents kick me out of the house. Go down a slide like an idiot and got a "feel for the countryside". End up eating food through a straw because my lip hurts so bad. Doctor recommends me to not fall off another mountain.
Edit: Grammar and whatnot.
ScalemateHime: Oh OP, that was painful to read. I'm glad that you're okay. How did your parents react?
A_Very_Black_Plague: My parents were really concerned but I managed to convince them that I had only minor, albeit extensive, injuries. The way I landed prevented me from, say, shattering every bone in my body and instead I just look like a human patchwork of skin and scabs.
jlobes: I came off my bike at speed yesterday, today at work everyone's giving me the "What the fuck did you do" look at my bandaged arms.
Thanks for reminding me it could be worse. Heal up quick!
| 4 | 56 | |
1407407537 | 1407450134 | t3_2cvff3 | t5_2to41 | 335 | wreckedmyanus: TIFU by drinking too much milk... [NSFW]
So I am a broke college-age student and I like to clip coupons as much as I can. I have given up on soda and have been looking for an alternative to replace it with, and while coupon clipping I found what would do the trick. Two one-gallon jugs of Chocolate milk for only six dollars total. I just had to take that deal.
So I go and do my weekly grocery shopping and I get the milk as planned as well as some white-milk that I can cook with. After I get home, I go and do my daily work-out and weight lifting and I... had a glass of chocolate milk afterwards. I had dinner that night with... a glass of chocolate milk. This trend continued. I did drink things like water as well, but I was just so attracted by cow juice mixed with the sweet cocoa goodness.
I had no idea that after just six days I went through a whole gallon of the chocolate milk and a third of the white milk. I figured at this point it was time to stop with the chocolate milk, especially since I had not emptied the brown-box in the past five.
While I was sleeping, I had a sudden urge to void myself. It was dire. So I did some strange walk to the bathroom. It was 2 a.m. and my roommate was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her up. My toilet makes a large racket when you flush it so I often don't at night because the pipes run through her room and wake her up at night, this will come into play soon.
I sit on my porcelain throne and begin try forcing out the steamer. I couldn't do the ol' fingers in the vag trick because I was on my period and I didn't feel having a viscera clean-up crew come in the morning to wipe my bathroom. So I strain myself to force out this now painful brown-stone from myself and it was having trouble going through. Just not a big enough opening. So I strain harder. I strain to the point where I can no longer see on the edge of my vision. I was nearing a black out and I couldn't stop, the pain in my asshole was great. The first time I had anal felt like a butterfly kiss compared to the pain I was having at this moment.
Nearly 10 minutes have gone by since I sat down and I could tell I was only half-way through the push. Homestretch. Finally I push it all out and I could actually feel how much lighter I was. It felt like I went from 130 lbs to 125. My brown-valve felt very moist but I didn't care, as sudden high, similar to a runners high comes over me as I reach for the paper to begin clean up. I looked at the paper to check the damage only to see it covered in dark-ish blood. I looked at my butt-baby and its covered in blood. I felt sick. I wiped very gently because the area was sore but the stench of poo started to fill the air, not normal poo, like, inside of your anus kind of deal. I feared a total prolapse but when I felt it everything felt alright.
To make sure, I bent infront of my mirror and it was VERY red, not from blood, but from the strain. But everything looked in place, despite not feeling like it did.
My clay-cabbage in the toilet was FAR bigger than the rest of the opening so I tried shredding it with the plunger but it still didn't look like it was going to go down. So I washed my hands, then took some hand soap and poured it into the bowl, and I shut off the bathroom light and went back to bed, exhausted and still on a runners high.
The mourning, I awoke and there was still a minor smell of inner-anus. I guess it was something I had to deal with while having a swollen anus for a few days. I go into the bathroom and the smell was rancid. I couldn't see. It was as if I walked into an a chlorine and onion factory. I turned on the bathroom fan and walk out and wait for the smell to clear. I wished I would have plunged it more the night before and flushed because that bathroom smelled awful, but alas, I didn't wanna awake my roommate.
My anus felt terrible; like it was stung by a bee. I begin plunging the stool more to break it up and finally it was manageable enough to go down the toilet.
It has been three weeks since it all went down and my anus wont clench shut like before. I hope I didn't ruin it for good.
**TL;DR.** Wrecked my anus on milk-products.
**Edit:** *Okay, so I'll admit, I am lactose intolerant, however I think knowing that ruins the story and it just becomes or of a "You dumb fuck, why?" story rather than a "That's hilariously tragic" story.*
cataract1989: Explain the "finger-in-the-vag" trick for us uninitiated? ಠ⌣ಠ
thisisntben: Yeah... What the fuck is this?
DestineJ850: Can someone draw a diagram?
wreckedmyanus: [Does this help?](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1b/Illu_repdt_female.jpg)
reformingfeature: The fuck is that?
Is that like a beef patty, but not ground up?
effieSC: The only thing you need to know is where the clitoris is. ;)
| 7 | 47.857143 | |
1407407688 | 1407472197 | t3_2cvfkf | t5_2to41 | 468 | I_AMA_You_AMA: TIFU by forgetting about a Snapchat update.
So this actually happened a few months ago. And it needs a little back story about Snapchat. Snapchat used to just list all your snaps in order of when you got them, so on the home screen you could have one from Jane, then a couple from John, then another from Jane, etc. Then they updated it so that all the snaps were just sorted by who they were from, so you could go into the Jane thread and see all the ones she sent you. They also changed how you sent a snap. If you were on the home screen, not in any thread, and you took a picture, it would ask who you wanted to send it to. But if you were in a thread, as soon as you hit send, it would automatically send it to that person.
So my buddy's girlfriend is the person that got me into Snapchat. We've never had anything sexual, or even verging on flirtatious, but we snap all the time. I had just gotten home from work, and was getting ready to go hang out with my lady friend. My friend's girlfriend was sending me Snapchats of her having a video call with her brother. Too many things going on at one time, I put my phone into camera mode, but neglected to ever actually send her a snap back.
I had told my lady friend that I would let her know when I was going to be close to ready to hang out, so I figured a snap of me getting into the shower would get the point across. I take a completely full frontal naked picture of me in my bathroom mirror, and hit the send button, but it doesn't ask who I want to send the snap to, it's just showing me the thread with my friend's girlfriend...and she has one unopened snap from me. It take a couple seconds for it to register in my mind, but I just send my good friend's girlfriend a completely naked picture of myself with no text or explanation.
Panic for a second, then try to call her to tell her not to open it. Rings a few times, but no answer. Shit, I remember that she's at home and really just uses her iPad when she's at home, and leaves her phone in her bag. I run naked through my house to my computer, wake it up, open Facebook, and send her a message that just reads "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH". Couple seconds go by, then I get a message back from her that just says "It is done".
She lets me get my story out, and she actually thinks it's really funny, and says that it's amazing that nothing like this had happened before. We laugh it off, but I do convince her not to tell her boyfriend. He isn't the type that would think it was funny, he'd just get sulky, depressed, and jealously paranoid. I do tell my lady friend, and she thinks it's funny as hell.
The worst part about it though is that I was posing naked for someone who has seen me naked several times. I didn't feel the need to try to look sexy or good, it was just supposed to be a kind of funny, dorky picture. I don't remember the exact pose that I did, but if you imagine [this guy](http://wl-static.fotolia.com/jpg/00/67/07/40/400_F_67074064_7k3cyAiBeiW1jMPIBNAJYaP3JHlkMs5K.jpg) posing naked in front of a mirror, it would probably be about as dumb as I looked in that picture.
Now Snapchat tells you who you're about to send a picture to when you're actually taking the picture, which seems like something that should have always been there.
tl;dr Fuck you, read it, it's like seven very small paragraphs, and you're on a reading based sub.
bumbleeds: Refuse to read because TLDR hurt my feelings.
harmlessmaniac: same here, we should form a TLDR support group for abused skim-readers.
Your reign of terror is over, OP!
bumbleeds: OP please start your posts with TLDR that way I don't have to even look at your story.
Kid_Icarus42: This. All my this
| 5 | 93.6 | |
1407410322 | 1407421060 | t3_2cvhzt | t5_2to41 | 10 | tlouplaying: TIFU by not being able to cum
Sooo yesterday I was all horny and blah blah so I jacked off twice then a little later this cougar texted me and wanted me to come over and fuck. How could I say no? So I go over there and we have some of the hottest sex I ever had and it was just so perfect. Then she kept saying "I want you to cum for me" as she's riding me so good but after like 15 mins of riding she's got this mad look on her face and says she gives up. Now she thinks its her not having good pussy when its actually great. I hope she wants to keep fucking but I need to stop jacking off lol
Osafune2: Tell her that you jacked off twice that day already
tlouplaying: I did lol
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1407413496 | 1407414814 | t3_2cvl86 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Thunderkick72: TIFU by taking my medicine.
Literally just happened. First off, I'm a 17 year old male. Second, I have to take medicine in the morning before anything. Well I was off work yesterday, so I slept in. Took my medicine later than usually, about 11:30. Couldn't sleep well last night, about 3 1/2 hours total on and off. Woke up about 6:30 this morning for work (feeling like crap I'm so tired), took my medicine, started making breakfast. Then my boss calls two minutes later saying I didn't need to come in today and we'll work tomorrow. I work on a farm, so the weather determines if I work normally. Last night it rained horribly and still is.
Here's the fuck up: my medicine is a stimulant. So I won't be able to sleep until it wears off a LOOONG time from now. Nothing disgusting or cringeworthy, just a sad 17 year old who won't be able to sleep.
TL;DR: Took my stimulant medication late yesterday morning and couldn't sleep well last night. Woke up early for work today, took medicine only to get call from boss that I didn't need to come in. Now I'm tired, very sad, and will probably spend today Redditing.
1dkfa: Well bu-hu
Thunderkick72: Thank you kind Internet stranger. I think you understand
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407412299 | 1407428796 | t3_2cvjz5 | t5_2to41 | 8 | ThePotatoeKing: TIFU, by pissing on my GF the night before valentines day.
So obviously this wasn't today, but actually a couple years ago.
Well, it starts out like this:
One of my best friends birthdays was the day before valentines day and he was still living at home with his folks, so i told him we would throw a party at my house, My girl and I set up the party, got a hold of kegs, and uh... party favors. Come party day, I ended up having to work til late that night, while my jobless Gf got to throwdown all day. The whole day at work I was getting antsy, thinking that all my friends were drinking all the beer and breaking my things without me, so I finally got off work, rush home, as i assumed everybody was pretty well toast, me being sober i started drinking and using heavily in order to catch up. My Gf goes down shortly after my arrival, and asks me to come with, I tell her ill be to bed soon, that I'm gonna stay up a while longer with the birthday boy and to wait up for me.
I continued to drink myself in to a fuzz and eventually when, I realized, I was one of the only ones left up, and some folks were having sex on my couch in the living room, I finally decided to hang my hat. Having no concept of time, due to the alcohol, I go to bed expecting my lady to bed laying naked, doing some thing extremely arousing, just waiting the whole time for me, her champion, to come in and slay the dragon, that is her vagina.... Wrong, she was just asleep under the covers, so I hop in bed with her into the spooning position and wake her to try to get something started, she reached behind her back pulled out and started stroking my fun parts for about 2 seconds and passed back out... for good this time.
I wake up, feeling like urine soaked death, and to my girl busting in the room with my best friend and roommate in tow, "LOOK WHAT THIS MOTHER FUCKER DID FOR VALENTINES DAY" she whips off the covers to reveal me completely naked in what seemed to be a pool of urine.
I, then discovered that no amount flowers and chocolate can, redeem you for unintentional golden baths.
Moral of the story, always pee before valentines day.
RTowner35: could be worse you could of shot her like Oscar Pistorius did on valentines day
sillybearr: Yeah she should be grateful
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407406906 | 1407418226 | t3_2cvew0 | t5_2to41 | 180 | tacticalsnackpack: TIFU by making my friend think I dry-humped her in her sleep
This happened a few years ago, but reading through other TIFUs, this memory resurfaced.
In high school, I had a small, yet very close group of friends. We were like the female 3 Musketeers, partners-in-crime, nearly inseparable. We were friends since freshman year of high school and we still are to this day.
This all began in high school. I actually dated one of the girls (we shall call her Amanda) at one point. It wasn't serious, it was more of a friends with benefits, except both physically and emotionally. There weren't many "I love you"s or romantic things happening, it just started up one day when she decided to get frisky out of the blue during one of our very-regular sleepovers and it grew from there. Now, no one knew we were bisexual except each other and we weren't really up to letting that information out in fear of awkwardness or criticism. We were both part of the music programs at our school and they were all very tight knit, and we felt it would just get weird if people knew what was going on so we kept it under wraps, even from the third girl in our trio (we'll call her Katie.) The 'relationship' didn't last too long and it fizzled out into our old friendship but with very sparsely placed 'benefits'. We were cool with it, nothing had really changed between us which was awesome.
Now, some information on Katie. She was a little bit sheltered, and definitely prude. She was by no means weird, she was just innocent, especially when it came to sexual matters. Talks about it made her sort of uncomfortable and she had only been as far as her first kiss as we were nearing the end of our high school years. This also led to her being slightly homophobic. She wasn't religious and she wasn't rude about it either, it just sort of grossed her out and she wasn't comfortable being around it or talking about it. She'd even stand far back and lean into hugs as to not get close to the other person. She had her quirks, but that's just what made her Katie. We'd always joke about these things with her, she was a good sport about it.
Anyway, some time went by, and word got out about Amanda and I. Rumors spread, people kept asking us about it, and we admitted. Whatever, the cat's out of the bag, it's no use denying it. It was no big deal, just a little uncomfortable to have people making remarks about it. So inevitably Katie found out and asked us about it, saying "Is it really true? Did you guys really do that?" She seemed really uncomfortable about it, but let it slide. We didn't let things get between us before, and that didn't either thankfully. She always seemed wary of it, though.
So back to the time of this incident. Amanda, Katie and I were still together almost daily. We'd hang out together or separately, and on this night, I was alone at Katie's house. We were all comfortable with each other, and would usually sleep in the same bed whenever we crashed at the other's house, and this time was no different. We settled in, said our goodnights and went to sleep. Now, I usually sleep with a body pillow since I like to have my legs wrapped around something when I sleep. I must have been wanting my body pillow pretty badly because in my deep sleep, I ended up wrapping my leg around Katie, spooning her. In the process of situating myself this way I must have been making noises and 'thrusting', trying to get myself closer to be at max cuddle capacity as I usually do with my pillow. She didn't say a word about it the next day so i had no clue what had happened during the night, but she was apparently traumatized. The next day, Katie told Amanda that I 'dry-humped' her and was spooning her nearly all night as she laid there, awake and horrified. Amanda got such a kick out of it and wouldn't stop giving me shit, but Katie wasn't talking to me much the next few days. She kept telling Amanda that she's afraid I'm coming onto her and feels awkward and threatened now. After a while, we ended up going back to normal, and we never spoke about it after that.
-----
TL;DR I seemingly dry-humped my homophobic friend in my sleep during a sleepover, traumatizing her.
hank_moo_d: The TLDR is better than the whole story, i don't know why.
sic4life: That's because the majority of the post was background info.
hank_moo_d: That's why. Thank you.
| 4 | 45 | |
1407414435 | 1407508351 | t3_2cvm9s | t5_2to41 | 340 | [deleted]: TIFU Emailed boss inappropriate content
Today I messed up in a bad way, forwarded an email to my boss with client information on it, however included within the thread was comments between a colleague and me basically stating how hot my boss was and implying the kinds of things we'd do to her...
As yet she's not said anything, other than sent a meeting request for tomorrow, a 1:1...
Writing this and being an optimist, it might go better than I think!!!...
UPDATE: Sorry the tardy reply, busy guy (sometimes…)! So had our 1:1 and she played the most heinous management trick there is, she didn’t mention it, at all… She started off small talk that almost hinted at the ‘issue’ but was just that, small talk and then launched into work related stuff so by the time I could get a word in edge ways I couldn’t exactly raise it without looking a twit… So now I’m in limbo for the next wee while till I can forget about it, nightmare!
[deleted]: This would really suck to be your boss. You work really hard to advance your career, and try to gain respect from your employees. Then you find out that they've been discussing all the degrading shit that they would do to you if they had the chance.
Turd_in_the_hole: Who said anything about degrading?
[deleted]: I'm going out on a limb and guessing that "implying the kind of things we'd do to her" doesn't mean taking her out to a nice dinner.
Turd_in_the_hole: Of course, it's totally correct to assume they want to do degrading things to her. Like having sex.
If the gender roles were reversed here and a female employee accidentally sent something similar, given what we actually do know without making assumptions, to her boss then I believe it would be rightly discussed as just a very embarrassing mistake. Not a case of disrespect and degradation.
KiwiBuckle: - Consensual sex is not degrading.
- Finding a woman very attractive is not degrading.
- Discussing sexual activities you aren't willing to say in front of a person is degrading because it is not their civic duty to fulfill others fantasies.
It's the mature version of "nothing nice to say, don't say it behind someone's back"
RalphWaldoNeverson: Yeah, you're right. It goes both ways; however, she has every right to be offended. Did he *degrade* her? No. I hate to pull the role reversal card, but I've seen the roles reversed a lot and I wouldn't see that as being degrading either.
KiwiBuckle: The role reversal card is perfectly valid but switching their roles doesn't constitute a full argument. One definition of degrading is:
- causing a loss of self-respect
We do not know what the contents of the email were but if she is scheduling a one on one meeting with him it is likely that the contents did contain material that would cause a loss of self-respect.
For some women in the work place a loss of self respect could come from having her colleagues view her sexually instead of regarding business.
For some men in the work place a loss of self respect could come from having his colleagues giggling at the size of his penis instead of focusing on what he brings to the business.
Basically it is was likely degrading because it didn't relate to work which is what those emails should've pertained to in that environment; work and play should be kept separate or tentatively approached, not mentioned behind someones back.
| 8 | 42.5 | |
1407414347 | 1407420567 | t3_2cvm66 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling into another depressive episode.
Yes this actually happened today, ive only just composed myself enough to write this. Also this is my first post, forgive me if my etiquette is off. Sorry for the long post.
As a bit of backstory I'm currently studying make up at college and i have Bipolar disorder. Ive been unmedicated for the past few months due to the side effects of some meds and i wanted to give the whole willpower thing a go. Without the medication i felt great, except I soon realised that was just an episode of hypomania that i had been riding for months. A few days ago a massive depressive episode swept over me and ive been put on another medication which I feel is contributing to certain thoughts.
For the past few days i've been going to college and keeping up appearances, then Ive gone home cried for hours and dished out punishments i thought i deserved(such as not eating or drinking).
Today I couldn't keep my facade up.
The teacher had been making mocking/strange remarks about me for the past four weeks, to the class's amusement. I've been nothing but friendly to her, on the other hand. So today I was sitting in a chair being a model for another student. The teacher came up to us and congratulated the other student on her work. She then looked at me and started laughing, she claimed that my face made unusual movements all the time and she didnt know whether i "wanted to stab everyone" or whether i was just "happy then sad in two seconds". The rest of the class enthusiastically agreed with her whilst i tried to protest she was being rude when she just kept cracking this joke.
I have also gotten into trouble from her before when I have just been quietly doing my work and shes yelled furiously at for making a face(i didnt even realize i was doing that?). I have a lot of nervous habits that get me through the day, the face twitches are one of them.
She then moved onto making some cheap cracks about my actual face. Apparently my features are too "ethnic" which may contribute to my "facial problems". before i knew it she was doing imitations of my large lips and long eyes, everyone thought she was hilarious.I tried to say something and she just became defensive and sarcastic.
It all got to me, I proceeded to break down and just cry in front of everyone. I was hoping to finally make a good impression on a class and it was a fucking disaster. The teacher assumed i was crying over a torn fake eyelash and shrugged it off. This whole chain of events was pathetic on my part. I was also hoping that the teacher would recommend me for some work in the future, really doubting that will happen now.
I also realised I had no one to talk to about all this because I had somehow ended up all alone.
After class i cried profusely on the train, then walked to the house of the man who had raped me years ago when i was 15 and just sat down in a nearby park overlooking it. I just sat there and cried, I dont know why i put myself through reliving those memories.
TLDR: fuck bipolar.
demzzy: Words can't even begin to describe how that day sounded from reading it.. I can't even imagine how you feel... I'm very sorry that happened to you and as for your teacher..she is a douchebitch don't even let her get to you anymore..
Does anyone in the class know about your disorder? Teacher included?
*hug*
ZALFIY: Thankyou, Ive been trying not to let her get to me for the past month but today was just crazy. nope no one knows, i feel i should tell someone higher up about my disorder though. The teacher doesnt know anything yet, in my experience telling people anything hasnt ended well.
*hug*
demzzy: Even if its just the dean or something..because your teachers behaviour is out of order even if you didn't have the disorder it would still be a douche move on her part..
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407416611 | 1407420581 | t3_2cvoyd | t5_2to41 | 43 | runandhidenow: TIFU by flashing my new neighbor.
So, about 2 weeks ago a new neighbor moves in and she is very cute. Me being a single guy living in a new city am trying to meet every girl I can. I introduced myself and we hit it off. We have been talking alot and texting and she seemed really into me. I walk around naked alot in my apartment which is the top floor of a 2 story house converted into 2 seperate apartments. The door to my apartment is glass and you can see all the way up the stairs into my kitchen. I had just gotten home from work and wanted to take a shower... so i take a poop and browse reddit for wayyy to long and get a somewhat deadleg. I get up to get a snack before i go shower and right as i try to leave the kitchen I get a complete dead/numb leg. I cant move. So i am just standing there and the downstairs door opens up... it was like a dear in headlights. She just looked at me... and i just stood there... naked. Unable to move. I just stare back and sort of wave. I did not know what else to do. Still dont. We have not spoke. Since.
MisterAlaska: When you say you sort of waved, did you mean with your hand or.....
dbarefoot: It wasn't his leg. That was dead.
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1407418516 | 1407603831 | t3_2cvrjs | t5_2to41 | 348 | Microthrowaway64: TIFU by panic taking 4 tabs of LSD
So I had just picked up 4 tabs of LSD from a friend, 1 was for a future event and 3 were for fun any time. I'm leaving his place and driving back home and next thing I see red and blue lights behind me, I panic. I immediately consume all 4 tabs of LSD and wait as the officer approaches my car. He proceeds to check my licence, my registration etc and then lets me go, no hassles. Now Im freaking out as I still have about 30 minutes drive to get home and Ive just consumed 4 tabs of LSD. The next 30 minutes were a blur, by the time I pulled into my driveway I was well and truly tripping balls. I inched slowly towards my garage door until there was barely a gap between my car and the door, I then realized that I, or someone else might need to get past so I spent the next 15 minutes trying to decide what was an acceptable amount of room to leave to get past, Sure I could get past but could a big person? After much back and forth I finally decided to go inside. I sat down and started typing this because I truly had fucked up. Then I realized I was just pushing buttons and what I was writing was gibberish because I just liked the sound of the keyboard clickity clack. And here I am, wish me luck.
timfitz42: LOL! Have fun and enjoy yourself!
Not sure if you have a back yard, but laying in the grass looking up at the tree leaves is always a lot of fun!
Microthrowaway64: Forgot to mention, I have done LSD many times before so its not a first time. Done 3 tabs before but 4 is... something else. I'm definitely
OliStabilize: If it was your first time, you probably wouldn't of made it home.
NeedABeer: >wouldn't of
It's wouldn't have dammit.
ooobaddie: When you're speaking out loud, do you say, "wouldn't have" or "wouldn't of?"
qqwasd: Most people say "wouldn't've" where I live. Saying "wouldn't of" is just as incorrect as writing it.
ooobaddie: They sound exactly the same....
qqwasd: I don't know where you're from mate but to me the sound of "of" is different from that of "ve".
ooobaddie: ok so tell me the sound of "ve" after a consonant.
| 10 | 34.8 | |
1407418437 | 1407431477 | t3_2cvrfz | t5_2to41 | 20 | novaboi: TIFU by spooning my dad in bed (NSFW)
TIFU guys, well, 2 weeks ago. So I was getting ready to go to Europe (in norway now) and had to wake up mighty early in the morning for my flight at LAX, so I go to bed at around 2 because I'm a dumb ass and fuck you reddit.
I have to leave the house at 5 am which leaves me 3 hours of delicious sleep.
Now, I am a large 6'4 250 pound 21 year old guy who sleeps HARD. When I'm out, I'm OUT. But, while sleeping with girls, (just the sleep part) I've been woken up by them on numerous occasions begging for sex. I'm talking 330 am and she's against me (now remember we're spooning) trying to put my wee wee in.
After about 20 seconds when I finish I ask why they wanted it so bad RIGHT then. "You were grinding against me for a good 30 minutes, don't you remember?" They would say.
Yeah here it comes.
So, my dad is a really loving guy and he comes and snuggles with me and my sis every once in a while because he can't sleep (he never sleeps and no me and my sister don't share a room, keep it in your pants reddit). So my dad decides to come into my room and nap at 4 am ish with me in my king bed.
My chick in the bed instincts engage and I supposedly started grinding on my dad. he wakes up immediately (light sleeper) and jumps out of the bed and says "did you just try to stick your dick up my butt?". I kept my eyes closed and acted like I was asleep, I don't know if he bought it but oh my god reddit I fucked up.
GoodguyGeorg3: Just burst out laughing in my office. Thank you for that.
Dinosoarman: Maybe you should get back to work...
Or get off reddit while you're at work...
GoodguyGeorg3: maybe you should get a job...
Dinosoarman: I'm starting one when school starts again. Wish me luck!
GoodguyGeorg3: I do wish you luck :D and good choice in pursuing school too, its all worth it in the end~!
Dinosoarman: Lol i'm only a sophmor in highschool.
GoodguyGeorg3: well, word of advice, take it seriously, Im a smart dude and I know it. I spent a lot of my high school blowing off work having fun and whatever because I thought that was what life was about but come graduation all these kids are going to awesome schools on their own, and here I am stuck at community college playing catchup. Its a whole new experience to be on your own I would strongly advise you to take advantage of it. Im fresh out of h.s 2 years now and I wish i spent those 2 years away from home. you think dealing with your parents can be annoying now, just wait till your 20 still living with them.... just some friendly advice homie
| 8 | 2.5 | |
1407418811 | 1407425226 | t3_2cvrzi | t5_2to41 | 17 | scottocs: TIFU by telling a girl I like that I don't remember any of our hour and a half long conversation we had on the phone last night.
I got drunk last night and apparently we talked for an hour and a half. She told me I made her feel like a princess. Now she's pretty upset I don't remember and "it was the alcohol talking."
Great.
CameronmacK: Give her some spiel about drunken words are sober thoughts. Use your drunkenness to your advantage...
scottocs: I did. I asked what some of the things were that stood out from the rest of the hour and a half. She told me what I said about her being beautiful and stop thinking about her past so much and it made her feel better after sending them to me.
CameronmacK: Awesome, does it look like things are going to work out for you? You seem to like her if your drunken self managed to pull itself together and pay attention and actually give a shit for an hour and a half. Good luck dude.
scottocs: Yea it probably will. Weird thing is, she's about to be my best friend's new roommate. Interesting.
CameronmacK: Interesting as in, this benefits you? Or interesting as in, you question your friends motives?
I am assuming the first one, as a best friend would probably know you like this girl...
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1407420573 | 1407434028 | t3_2cvum4 | t5_2to41 | 24 | DepressingDong: TIFU by making a girl cry with my penis
I work im a medium size office with about 20 people on my floor. Currently I work assisting people with clerical things or whatever requests come up. What that really means is I do not much of anything while waiting for work to show up.
This gives me tons of time to bathroom reddit on my phone without anybody really caring that im not working because there's not much to do. But today I fucked up, real hard.
Im the youngest in my office by about 20 with the exception of one girl who's around my age. The bathroom has a shitty lock that from the toilet you cant really tell whether its locked or not. So I walk in, sit down, browse reddit like usual.
Suddenly the door clicks open wide, somebody opened the door while I was sitting there pants down. My asscheeks clench with extreme force and I turn to face my intruder. Its the girl. The one girl my age at the office. She stands semi-shocked and I see her eyes stare down at my flaccid penis for a brief moment. Recent manscaping meant I had no foliage to cover me, I was in the open. As if she had looked straight into the sun she reeled back and the door slowly closed. I sat on the bowl, phone in hand, not realizing what exactly just happened.
I pull up my pants and think about the magnitude of fuck im in. I guage it to be about a 5 and exit the bathroom with the goal of attempting to never see her again as a means of managing my ridiculous embarassment.
BUT WAIT THERES MORE. As I exit the bathroom her desk is close by. There are 5 other women consoling her as she lay facedown on her desk absolutely crying her eyes out. I briefly ask whats going on and a coworker tells me that her grandfather had died this morning with her there next to him. Everybody around her was consoling her about her grandfather, and she was crying too hard to say anything back to them
I dont know if she mentioned seeing johnson in the bathroom. The only option left for me is seppuku.
TLDR; Girl sees my dick at work, tips her over the edge, cries uncontrollably at her desk.
Crimsonfoxy: Maybe she was just heading to the bathroom for a private moment to cry/calm herself but Reddit and your flaccid penis forced her to cry at her desk.
Jonanarchy: > your flaccid penis forced her to cry at her desk.
Not sure why my brain creates an image of OP's penis as a powerful dictator who yells at people and forces them to do menial tasks but hey I'm not hungry anymore.
the_last_hat: >Not sure why my brain creates an image of OP's penis as a powerful dictator
Maybe because your username is slowly filling your brain with PROPAGANDA! STICK IT TO THE MAN! ANARCHYYYYY!
Jonanarchy: But anarchy knows no dictators, that doesn't make sense. How the hAIL OUR MAJESTY FLACCID D
the_last_hat: HAIL FLACCID! DEAR LEADER! MOST MAJISTERIOUS AND SUPER-IMMORTAL FATHER OF THE NATION!
totalyawsm: Hail le giver of the people's milk! and protein!
the_last_hat: AND SKIN CREAM
| 8 | 3 | |
1407423370 | 1407429070 | t3_2cvz52 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating with the blinds open
Not using an alt account because fuck it, I want my internet points!
I should start this off by saying that Istanbul is a very conservative and religious city. Most people here praise Allah a few times a day and many women cover their treasures.
So right now I'm on vacation with my family. We've been in Turkey for about two weeks and we're finally going back to the States tomorrow. Every night I share a bedroom with my little sister, so I don't get much alone time.
Earlier today we were all out touring the city and doing some shopping. We came back to the hotel when it started raining really hard all of the sudden. There was a ton of lighting so I opened up the window shades so that I could watch it.
An hour or two ago my parents and sister and I decided to go down to the pool that the hotel has in the basement. My plan was to go down and swim for a little, then come up to shower. I came back to my room before the rest of them so that I could use the shower first.
This was the first time in the last couple weeks that I had any time to myself. So naturally I decide to make the most of it. I start searching the web for some good porn. Now since this is such a conservative country none of the nice porn sites work. I don't know if they were blocked by the government or just the hotel, but I ended up having to make do with imgur and gfycat porn.
So I'm on my bed, happily fapping away. I've been going at it for a while, clicking through the links on my favorite adult subs. Between two links I lift my head from my phone and take a peak out [the window](http://imgur.com/hVziUwq).
I forgot to mention that everything in Istanbul is super old and falling apart. So to keep the buildings from crumbling there's constantly construction and renovations going on in all of the buildings. It just so happened that this month they're working on the apartment building across the ally from me every day from 10 to 5.
So when I look out the window I see two middle-aged construction workers staring at me from a staircase across the way. (They were probably mesmerized by my immense girth). Who knows how long they have been watching me. We lock eyes. I freak out, drop my phone, and run away into the bathroom.
I take the longest shower of my life, thinking about what just happened. When I get out I realize that in my panicked daze I had left my towel and clothing out by the window. I would need to confront the workers a second time.
Luckily by the time I was done showering the men were gone and they wouldn't get a chance to see me nude a second time. They probably went to talk to the hotel management to find out who was in the room so they could banish me to muslim hell or something. I got dressed and sat down to write this.
TL;DR Opened the blinds stare at the weather, ended up with two guys on stairs watching my dong. Didn't even finish.
EDIT: Added pic of window
OspreyPrey: This reminds me a lot of Alfred Hitchcock's movie "Rear Window" only people were looking in from outside, and you weren't a cripple in a wheelchair, you were giving yourself a low-five.
TheXEADragon: Rear Window sounds like what the Goatse guy would call his arsehole.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1407422080 | 1407439783 | t3_2cvwzh | t5_2to41 | 46 | tgerstel: TIFU by playing Team Fortress 2
Disclaimer: *Typing from phone in hospital bed*
So today (read as: July 31st) I was playing Team Fortress 2, trading and trying to get earbuds. All of a sudden, it feels uncomfortable and tight to take a deep breath. I figure a few breaths will get it to go away and I grab a water. I sit down and all of a sudden my left shoulder starts to hurt. Welp, thats not right, and the breaths have advanced from uncomfortable to painful. At this point im like "Fuck, I shouldnt have eaten that bag of doritos". After almost fainting, a call to 911 and an ambulance ride, im sitting waiting for my xray results.
The doc comes in, my mother more scared than I am, and he looks like he is about to bear some bad news.
"Your lung on the left side is collapsed about 40%, and you will need a chest tube to reinflate it. Another doctor will be in shortly to put that in. What were you doing that could have caused this?"
"...playing tf2..."
I just wanted a pair of buds :( (budd are ingame currency for you non TF2 players)
Turns out it was a spontaneous pneumothorax. Basically an air pocket (bleb) on my lung just popped.
So they knock me up on morphine, and I go straight to cloud 9. No pain, nuthin. Im told after 4 days it should be healed. The chest tube would suck the air out of my chest cavity and allow my left lung to reinflate.
Well, last Tuesday was day 5 (I think) and it still hadnt healed. So the anesthesiologist comes up and says "So for tomorrows surgery.." And im like "excuse you"? The doc forgot to tell me i was having surgery. Cool.
Yesterday was surgery. What they did was put an epidural catheter in my spine so I could get pain meds quick, then wheel me to the OR. The surgeon asks me a question and then I went to beddy bye thanks to the anesthesiologist. They made 3 incisions on my chest:
1 for a camera
1 for scissors
1 for a stapler ._.
They use the camera to find the blebs on my lung which caused the Spontaneous Pneumothorax, staple the shit out of that area, and cut it off. And then they put a catheter in my dick so I can pee without getting up, and a giant tube (i swear its like an inch in diameter) in my side to vacuum fluids out.
Today, its been 24 hrs since the surgery and im in the ICU. The pain meds wore off and my back kills from lying here for 8 days, my lungs hurt, and my side hurts from this big ass tube. Hopefully i can go home soon, I miss my puppy and I miss the shower :(
TL;DR: Buds. Not even once
Edit: To make matters worse, my dad ate ALL of the cookies my friend brought me, like wtf why you didnt get your lungs stapled to shit
Edit 2: bonus pic of tube! Not for the squeemish http://imgur.com/C1W73jK
BonerSauced: Jesus Fuck, that sucks! I didn't know that was a thing! Just completely random or was it caused by something?
tgerstel: Completely random! Its most common in tall, skinny men so I guess thats a major factor since im 5'8 120 lbs .-.
Time to start eating more!
borasanuk: ~6' and 125lbs.. **FUCK**
tgerstel: The cafeteria is that way ->
EAT!
borasanuk: Yeah.. I can't eat a lot
tgerstel: Im gonna start running or biking to gain an appetite :3
borasanuk: I'm a sailor of 5 years. Doesn't help.
Hope it works out for you
| 8 | 5.75 | |
1407423946 | 1407452622 | t3_2cw067 | t5_2to41 | 3,984 | change928: TIFU by getting drug tested
newera14: You didn't fuck up. That sorta joke is fucked up.
be_judgemental_free: it's funny as shit though
change928: yea, it was funny. shit like that happens at these places all the time. Just a little "welcome to the desk" hazing
ivandrago0: Just a little welcome to the desk mmm as financiers ruin people's lives.. but those guys sound cool though
therapist-analyst: You seem like you know what you're talking about...
ivandrago0: What does that even mean? Financiers are running this country they produce nothing and have are driving Just to manipulate the economy pure personal gain. . What is your point. .
therapist-analyst: Great comment, substantive and based in fact...Just proving my point that you have no idea what you're talking about.
ivandrago0: Counter please and enlighten me good sir
Dustorn: He doesn't really need to counter since your argument has no weight.
Welcome to the internet - if you say something silly/extreme, you won't be taken seriously without a link.
ivandrago0: How is that silly or extreme. . The finance sector creates nothing besides capital. .. they don't make chairs they don't create create anything of value besides money for themselves. .they are legal casinos and modern robber barons.. you twerp
leofrick: This is such a misinformed criticism. There's a lot wrong with the financial industry, but from your argument you'd think we'd be better off without any. Hate to break it to you, but we're at a stage where you don't have to make physical things to add value. How do you think banks make their money? Form people using their services. Because those services are useful. Your argument is like saying google.com is a rubbish website because it doesn't create any of its own content.
But you've probably watched zeitgeist or something so I guess I'm way out of my depth here.
ivandrago0: No my man. Not zeitgeist. . Wh
ile the finance sector is necessary it has grown out of control.. it has become bigger than itself
. And Google does provide a service it is involved with technology and a information renaissance. .. the financial sector as it is helps no one besides those in it.. that's the problem with it.. there is no trickle down effect it is the manipulation of money. . Why do you think it is protested because people watch zeitgeist. . It is not for the people it's for the few
| 13 | 306.461538 | |
1407424165 | 1407432299 | t3_2cw0jf | t5_2to41 | 39 | fuckeditupgood: TIFU by jacking off on a plane NSFW
I was bored so I went to the bathroom to do the deed. Thought I locked the door behind me...but I was proven wrong once an old lady opened the door. Unfortunately for both me and her, I had just reached the climax stage, and had turned around to see who had opened the door while climaxing. Her scream accompanied my cumming, as well as the likes of 200 other passengers who had turned towards the bathroom to see what was going on.
I had another 5 hours on that flight with those people.
frozenanuran: Username is always relevant.
ws479: Account created today, only post is on /r/tifu. Hmmm I wonder why...
kylrm12: throwaway?
the_last_hat: Yo, we got Sherlock up in this bitch.
Rollinblacks: Ahahahaha
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1407422662 | 1407478520 | t3_2cvxzg | t5_2to41 | 284 | PreacherIHMC: TIFU By Following A Truck A Little Too Close
So, this happened a few months ago, but I figured why not share my pain with the people? It was a really nice Wednesday night here in central Texas. I decided to get on the motorcycle and take a cruise. I thought about where to go and decided to head north to Abilene. Now the road between here and there is 45 miles of 2 lane country highway and 55 miles of four lane highway. I ride up, go to see some friends, have a beer, have a laugh. Then I notice it's getting late so I head out. Now, occasionally when I'm riding, I'll put headphones in and crank up some tunes. I find a good Pandora station and take off for home. I get past the 4 lane highway and onto the 2 lane. About 5 miles in I come up on a truck pulling a stock trailer. Stock trailers are a pretty common site on these roads. The truck is going about 10 miles under the speed limit, but no biggie. I'm in no hurry and besides, I hate passing people on this road. The deer get pretty thick right after dark. So I settle in behind the truck. I'm jamming out and all of a sudden I feel some rain drops. Stupid fucking Weather Channel app! It said no chance of rain! I look up and see nothing but stars in the sky. Something's not right... As I'm looking up, mouth agape, it starts pouring. It gets in my mouth and the taste hits me like a fat kid that got picked last for dodge ball. NO NO NO NO!!!! I just got pissed on and in my mouth by a fucking cow! I pull off the road because now my face is drenched and my glasses are covered. I clean them off and take off again. This time when I meet the rear end of the truck, I pass that fucker quicker than a doped up track star. Thirty five miles to go and all I can taste and smell is urination and regret.
Tl;dr: Followed a truck, got golden showered by a bovine.
kage_25: sorry but
AHAHAHA
that was just gold
codythomashunsberger: So were the showers.
solicitorpenguin: Mooove along, nothing to see hear
elsenior11: close but no cigar....."Moooove along, nothing but pee here"
ManchesterUtd: No one likes a grammar Nazi
Bwjjwb: Jew mad now?
| 7 | 40.571429 | |
1407416960 | 1407438368 | t3_2cvpex | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by making it obvious I drink alcohol to my Muslim father.
I'm on holiday with family and at a restaurant my uber religious muslim dad ordered sparkling apple juice. I took a sip and said 'mm tastes like champagne'. My dad looked at me and asked my why I would know what champagne tasted like. I tried to cover up by saying its what i guess champagne would taste like but he knows.
Archer_Was_Taken: Coulda dodged it by saying "Plenty of non alcoholic champagne tastes like this actually"
Just slap on the words non alcoholic/halal and u have no problems in anything
Source: Halal bacon, halal sex, halal weed
Rhedogian: as a muslim, that didnt make any sense.
sirophiuchus: Well if you're using the word literally it does. It just means you end up with paradoxical things like "permitted/permissible bacon".
Explaining the joke, woo!
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1407426486 | 1407432345 | t3_2cw4rq | t5_2to41 | 6 | VersatileFaerie: TIFU by trying to not worry my cousin
This fuck up happened about a month ago, I just now feel not too embarrassed by it to be able to write about it, hopefully you guys will enjoy it. Important background information is that I have been dealing with high anxiety levels for years and just recently have been getting better so I didn't want anything to possibly ruin this day.
I started off my day like any other day, until I get a call from my cousin, we will call her C. Well C was given tickets to a baseball game from her employer and originally was going to take some people from her church but when they found out it was going to be during the soccer games. Well she had four tickets and was like "I understand if you don't want to go due to your anxiety, but I figured I would ask in case you are having a good day." I was so happy, I felt like today was a good anxiety day so I agreed to come, though I was a little nervous that my husband wouldn't be able to come since he helps me when I have anxiety attack in public places but I wasn't going to let that ruin the day. We had awesome seats, only a tiny 3 footish wall between me and the field, our teams was practicing their pitches right in front of us, I couldn't believe how wonderful it was. The game was good, there was ever a bird that keep going onto the field and the players were joking about it while on the field. I was able to treat her to an iced alcoholic drink when normally I don't get to do anything nice for her and had one for myself, mmm cherry flavor and it actually tastes good. The innings pass by slowly but nicely when C turns to me right before the last inning and says that she wants to go to the shade of the walkway near where the vendors are, I agreed worrying about her and followed.
Well here is the thing, I have ADD and when I really get into something it is like nothing else matters, I never thought it possible since I'm not a sports person but I was really into this game. While going up the steps I feel that I have overheated badly, like spots in my eyes and I feel faint, but I can't tell C, I don't want to worry her and mess up the day, I figure she will stop when she gets to the top... nope. We get to the top and she wants to go buy some water, so we have to walk over to the closet vender, wait, and then buy water. By this point it is hard for me to walk (think of the ministry of silly walks) and my vision is down to a very tiny spot. We start to walk over to the little counter things they have at the top you can eat and drink at if you want, I fall backwards onto my ass out of no where, luckily she doesn't see me until I'm getting up. "Are you okay VersatileFaerie?" she asked, "yeah C just fell on my butt while going to tie my shoe, silly me." I reply, hoping I don't ruin this day.
I get to the counter and lean on it, I feel lightheaded but I don't want to sit on the ground and worry C, so I just drink my water and chill. I was starting to feel better, abet, a little tired, I go to close my eyes and next thing I know I'm on the ground feeling like I just woke up from a nap. Turns out I passed out and then banged my head on the concrete hard, the medics were called. Well they start talking to me, asking if it knocked me out, how many fingers they were holding, what I had ate and drink... Well the moment they heard I had a tiny drink of alcohol all bets were off, first they wouldn't believe I only had one, my cousin C had to step in and tell them that I only had one. Still they pause their questions and wheel me into the medical room they had, then start on me saying I must not have ate and got drunk, I have to tell them over and over again that I have ate enough that day. Of course they don't believe me and ask me to tell them exactly what I ate, I told them and they finally stopped saying it was due to drinking and admit it sounded like I overheated, gee you think? The whole time I'm trying to be nice, apologizing for the trouble to them and to my cousin C for ruining the day, they all waved it off. I think yeah, people overheat, it happens and I relax.
About fifteen minutes and a release form later, they let me go and we go out to the car since the game is over. I think everything is fine, my head hurts a little but I have ice, well my cousin C all the way back to my apartment swears since she works in a doctor office that they were wrong and I must have overheated due to the drink. Even though I told her that I have been in worse conditions and drank more but was fine, she swore up and down it must have been the drinking and we shouldn't have drank. All of this wouldn't matter much but she talks to the family through email all the time so everyone knew her events of the story before mine.
TL;DR: TIFU by trying not to worry my cousin that I was overheating and passed out, she swears it must have been the one alcoholic drink I had and kept talking like I was a drunkard. She discusses everything with the family through email so now they will think I'm a drunkard.
Anonthius: I read the title and immediately thought you had sex with your cousin.
VersatileFaerie: That would have been really awkward.
Anonthius: Only if you made it awkward.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407429533 | 1407432543 | t3_2cw7g8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Guitarknowitall: Oh. Yeah that's a little creepy. But calling the cops was a psycho move.
coochini_martini: Not really, that's gonna be considered child porn. Duh.
Guitarknowitall: Yeah but calling the police for something that happened several months ago? I guess you have a point.
afineedge: For one, possessing child porn stays a crime no matter how long you hold onto the photos. Second, finding it would mean he had spent a great deal of time holding onto photos of her sister; that's creepy no matter what age she is. Third, if he cheated or hit her, would it suddenly be okay a month later? Why would possession of literal child porn of a member of her family be okay just because some time passed? I wouldn't trust him with anything in life after that, ESPECIALLY raising a son.
Guitarknowitall: Okay man I get the point already.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1407427987 | 1407453007 | t3_2cw7kl | t5_2to41 | 38 | tstedel: TIFU by not inspecting the contents of the McDonalds cup
It was a normal night, I'd just gone to bed and was about to take my glasses off. I set them on the nightstand, but it was wet and sticky. I remembered that we went to McDonalds previously and had left a cup with some coke left in it. It was leaking. It was just pop so I drank it as fast as I could and put my glasses back on the night stand after wiping it up. It tasted slightly weird as I was drinking it, but I was drinking really fast so I didn't fully notice, but when I pulled my lips off the straw, the most intense taste of windex filled up my mouth and I started gagging. I went into my girlfriends room which was right beside it, she was sleeping but I thought drinking windex or whatever cleaning chemicals she put in there was cause enough to wake her, and asked her if she put anything into the McDonalds cup. She said "no", surprisingly. I said "That's weird, because it tastes like chemicals" to which she probably fell back asleep and didn't respond. I went back to bed and thought about what it could be and fell asleep shortly after, not coming to any real conclusions. I wake up this morning and am about ready to go to work when girlfriend walks in my section of the basement. She lays down beside me and we start talking. She started by saying she's been up since early and that she had some time to think about stuff and that she remembers me asking about the McDonalds cup. Apparently she was so tired when I woke her up that she gives those asleep responses that people give when they're not fully awake and seem to be responding without being conscious when she said "No". She said she put two Lysol Wipes in the McDonalds cup. Gross. But the problem is that I remember her talking about having to clean up some cat shit from the basement where we sleep.
**tldr; I drank a McDonalds cup full of Lysol Wipes used to clean cat shit because I thought it was the pop I left in there**
kynlais: So you and your gf live together but sleep in separate rooms?
tstedel: I snore like a motherfucker and she's a very light sleeper
kynlais: So you and your gf's mother have sex? This is why you don't sleep in the same room?
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1407422544 | 1407432725 | t3_2cvxrj | t5_2to41 | 4 | darkdiscipline: TIFU by rusting the heck out of my mattress, in an effort to clean it.
Jack21222: Sounds like you need a [waterproof mattress protector](http://mattressnerd.com/reasons-you-need-a-mattress-protector/) when you buy a new mattress.
darkdiscipline: Yeah, I have two being shipped to me from Amazon. I had some that got destroyed in the wash and do little more than sop up some of the liquid, and I've been using another untorn one that's little more than a thin sheet of plastic. >_<
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407430742 | 1407431430 | t3_2cwcky | t5_2to41 | 11 | CamelWhisperer: TIFU by not hiding my door knob porn magazine
So it was my birthday a couple of days ago, and my friends (jokingly) bought me a doorknob porn magazine. Basically it's a bunch of asian girls licking door knobs. It's a cruel joke but i laughed it off and accepted it. Anyways, i was probably just gonna let it collect dust under my bed.
To celebrate my birthday, my friends take me to hooters. obviously they keep taking out the doorknob porn magazine and waving it around. The hooters girls are pretty terrified at this point, but who cares. boobs.
Anyways it gets pretty late so i decide to head back home. I was pretty tired so i forgot to hide my doorknob porn magazine as i walked in the house i see both my parents sitting on the couch, and they ask me what my friends got me as they look down on the single plastic bag im carrying. Obviously my friends have only bought me the doorknob porn magazine so i can't hide it by showing them anything else. So i try to play it off as something else, but they insist on seeing it. There is no turning back, im doomed, and the birthday wrapping was gone so it looked like i purchased this magazine from a book store. I hand my parents the bag with magazine and in shame i try to explain that my friends were playing a joke on me.
As my parents take the magazine out of the bag, my mother's face just turns upside down, as if i just murdered someone. My father takes the magazine from her and looks at it in a very confused mannerism. He takes a deep breath and just puts it down slowly on the table. He tells me to just go upstairs. I try to redeem myself by saying my friends did this as a joke, but they werent buying it. I quickly go up to my room.
At this point i feel like taking off all of my clothes and covering myself with vaseline and crying in a corner. Oh the shame. Such shame. Obviously no eye contact, or any contact for that matter.
(i still have pictures of the magazine if anyone wants proof)
TL;DR - My friends buy me a doorknob porn magazine as a joke and my parents find out about it. They think i have a doorknob porn fetish.
pm_me_redheads: Not sure, if i want to see the pictures.
CamelWhisperer: The worst thing is the girls in the magazine aren't even naked, they're actually modestly dressed, but they're licking doorknobs.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407427593 | 1407432172 | t3_2cw6ux | t5_2to41 | 2 | persona_dos: TIFU by oversleeping.
JigzyFish: I'm sure there's any number of wonderful people here who would be more than willing to help you in some way...what do you need?
persona_dos: I don't even know anymore. I've lost all sense of direction but thanks for reading.
JigzyFish: Well I don't know your circumstances but I've very much felt that way quite recently and managed to fight through it with a little help and pull myself back up. If you want to talk, even if it's just ramblings you don't think make sense, I'm happy to listen. Take care x
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1407429639 | 1407448237 | t3_2cwam1 | t5_2to41 | 17 | idamnedit: [TIFU] By not paying closer attention to the packaging
Okay this happened a couple of years ago. I came home from work and was relaxing watching some TV and snacking on some 3D Doritos. I went to bed and everything was right with the world. The next day I get up and I go to work. Late morning I go to the bathroom to take a nice dump.
When I am all done and I stand up I notice the gift I left was florescent green. It was like a cracked open a green high lighter and just dumped it in the toilet. I am in an utter panic. The only thing that keeps me calm is that I feel fine. I dont feel sick or anything. I calm myself and say we will just wait for the next movement and see what happens. If this repeats itself I will seek medical attention.
So I go home and do my usual activity of relaxing and watching TV. I have some more of those 3D Doritos. While I am eating them this time I notice that my fingers have turned a little blue. I start looking around for a broken pen. I ask my girlfriend at the time what the fuck is up with the blue. She laughs at me and shows me the bag of Doritos.
Turns out these were limited run 3D Doritos for Monsters Inc. (Yes this was years ago) They turned your mouth blue when you ate them. I then realized that the night before I had the same Doritos and it dawned on me that my gamma rayed shit was not death or cancer, but the dyes passing their way through my system.
I of course then have to tell my girlfriend everything. While disgusted by the details she laughs her ass off at the results. Since then I always read the packaging and I stay away from 3D Doritos.
On a side note FrankenBerry and BooBerry cereal was known to cause a similar effect. It freaked out parents, thus the reason it was not as big a seller as Count Chocula, which never reported any problems. (Think about it)
Princess-Todash: I miss the hell out of frankenberry cereal!
idamnedit: I see it every now and again. But I was never a fan.
Princess-Todash: I don't think they sell any of them in Canada anymore.
idamnedit: I am sorry to hear that. Perhaps if you weren't such a braggart about your socialized medicine you could have Frankenberry. (I am kidding) But perhaps I see a new thing to smuggle into Canada.
Princess-Todash: You smuggle in some frankenberry for me and I'll smuggle in some kinder eggs for you. Deal??
idamnedit: What the hell are kinder eggs?
Princess-Todash: Seriously? Lol they are a delicious chocolate egg that comes with a toy inside. They don't sell them in the states.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinder_Surprise
idamnedit: Ah okay... Yeah we dont have those, though we used to have things similar to it. I have theories as to why we don't have them.
1) We are trying to fulfill the prophecy of "Idiocracy" and make ourselves stupid by weeding out natural selection. So we outlawed these things because idiots choked on them.
2) Putting a toy inside the candy makes it impossible to shove extra calories in there. Thus we are giving up prime fat increasing space.
But the next time I go to Canada I will bring some Frankenberry. I will also make sure that I am not hallucinating when I say I have seen it in the stores. (Hopefully the taste hasn't changed. We seem to screw up the good tasting shit over time.)
musicchan: Kinder Eggs are actually illegal in the States. I live in Ontario now but my family is all still in the States and my sister really wanted some Kinder Eggs so we made a swap; she'd get me peanut butter pop tarts and I'd get the chocolate. She comes to visit and we make our trade but before her flight back home, she decides to see what sort of trouble she can get into. Apparently you can be fined $2500 per egg for sneaking them across the border.
http://souvenirfinder.com/2014/01/22/kinder-surprise-chocolate-egg-souvenir-fine-illegal-customs/
There's a ban in the US on selling food that has inedible toys inside of it. It's the craziest shit.
idamnedit: We are a nation of tards. ( I dont say the R word because I'm told it is offensive.)
| 11 | 1.545455 | |
1407430476 | 1407451341 | t3_2cwc2p | t5_2to41 | 5 | supernumerous: TIFU by hunting for the tooth fairy
TIFU. So I was about 7 years old when this happened. I had just lost a tooth and decided that i would truly see if the tooth fairy was real or not by staying awake all night. On this particular night, my mom was away on a business trip so her job of collecting my tooth was left to my dad.
Night comes and my dad tries to stealthily sneak his meaty paw under my pillow but only proceeds to alert me.
So tomorrow morning, I'm looking for the tooth because he obviously put it somewhere. I go through his dresser and in the top drawer discover both my baby teeth,....and my dad's stash of porn.
TL;DR
went looking for the tooth fairy, got more than i bargained for, and ruined my childhood.
drdeadringer: Revealed: The inspiration for the film 'Teeth'.
supernumerous: Looked it up on IMDB, sorta like a weirder version of jaws
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407433185 | 1407444387 | t3_2cwhe9 | t5_2to41 | 175 | ChickenInEveryPot: TIFU by keeping my vibrator in my sister's lunch bag
I was going on a picnic with my bf, and I needed someplace to put the sandwiches. Looking around the kitchen, I found a sort of cloth zippered bag. I wasn't sure what it was - it was black and about 6 inches across. It looked like a very small reusable grocery bag. Perfect for holding sandwiches.
I also slipped my vibrator in the bag (in case things got kinky).
When I got home, I thought, "You know, I don't think anyone's using this bag anyway, and I really need a discrete spot for my vibrator. I think I'll just leave the thing in there." A few weeks went by, and I forgot about the whole thing ... until my 13 year-old sister came into my room to borrow some thread. As I dug around to find the thread, I turned my back on her. Then I heard a zip! and a shriek of laughter. I turned around and, to my horror and embarrassment, my sister was holding the "naughty" lunch bag.
"ChickenInEveryPot!" she said. "Why is THAT in my LUNCH BOX?!?!?! Why would you even ... "
I apologized profusely. "Didn't know it was yours ... I could clean it, if you want ..."
She shook her head. "Keep it. It's yours now."
totalyawsm: Couldn't you store your vibrator somwhere else... maybe in your boy friend:}
ChickenInEveryPot: He would've liked that, actually ... he's bi.
BeaveZ: Just because some one bi/homosexual does NOT mean they like to stuff things up their asshole.
_Radaghast_: just because someone is strait does NOT mean they do NOT like stuff up their butt.
You butthole bigot ;)
shotgun_ninja: Basically, don't assume anything.
| 6 | 29.166667 | |
1407432481 | 1407441378 | t3_2cwg0b | t5_2to41 | 7 | parchy32: TIFU by having a sweet tooth.
This morning I got a craving for sugar like most fat guys would.
So I come to discover that there were some Life Savers in my pantry.
But little did I know these weren't regular Life Savers these were sugar free Life Savers. After eating about 15-20 of these things I start to feel my bowels shifting like the tectonic plates and roaring like a majestic lioness.I read the back of the package the Life Savers came in and guess what it says! "Excessive consumption may have a laxative effect." Excuse me but MAY have a laxative effect? No these things will clear out the pipes of the most constipated person ever.
TL;DR Sugar free Life Savers ruined my anus.
(TIL what laxatives feel like.)
AngelOfDoom: http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummi-Bears-Sugar-Free/dp/B000EVQWKC
Read the customer reviews.
parchy32: Fucking hell 0.0
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407434063 | 1407440361 | t3_2cwj5i | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking in my closet before church
I'll preface this by saying that I've been working in the restaurant industry as a server for about 5 months now. Before that, I'd never even thought about picking up a cigarette. Well, I jumped into the "smoking is a restaurant thing" cliché relatively quickly.
Now that I've been a smoker for a few months now, I've come to understand the anxiety that comes with going without a puff for an extended period of time, and on this one particular day about a week ago, it came back to bite me in the ass.
Keep in mind that it was a rainy day, so going outside for a smoke was not an option. I had to be up by 8 that morning because I was going to visit a friend who's currently locked up, and his visiting hours were whack.
I had already been nervous about visiting this friend of mine, we'll call him Rick. It had been a year since I'd seen him. As I was waiting to be let in to visitation, my anxiety intensified. My dad had come along, so going out for a smoke was, again, not an option.
We get home by 12:30. I hadn't smoked since the night before, and I was feeling it. I was agitated, anxious, and fidgety. I was dying. My family and I had decided that we were going to church, which meant we had to be in the car by 12:40. I had 10 minutes, and I was going to make the most of it.
Telling my dad that I was just going upstairs to change, I hurried up to my room, bee-lined for my pack of Marlboros (reds, of course) and decided that I was gonna light one in my closet. At the time, it seemed like a brilliant idea. No harm, no foul.
I sat down on the floor of my closet, making sure that the bottom of the door was sealed by a towel to prevent smoke seepage. I had 7 more minutes at this point. I was fine.
But I wasn't.
I had taken only two puffs of my cig when I heard the faint sound of my bedroom door opening, and I froze. I've never felt such paralyzingly fear in my life. I wished that Satan would reach his claws up through the depths of Hell and bring me back down with him. At least then I wouldn't have to go to church.
Anyway, I hear my dad call my name. Panicked, I yell from my closet "I'm naked! I'll be out in a minute!"
You see, I'd been caught smoking in my bathroom a few times already at this point, so my dad wasn't stupid. "Are you smoking? Oh my God, you are! That's what you're doing!" He said.
"No, I'm not! I'm naked!" For some reason I thought that yelling "I'm naked" would deter him from opening my closet door, and it did.
Any normal person would have dabbed out their cig and quickly destroyed the evidence at this point. I, thinking that the coast was clear when I heard my bedroom door shut, continued to puff on my cig.
About a minute goes by, and I can now hear heavy footsteps parading towards my room. Panicking once again, I yell "I'm naked" for the eighth time. Holding my cigarette in one hand, I rip off my shirt with the other so that I could at least stay true to my word that, yes, I was indeed naked. My bedroom door flies open. My step mom then proceeds to rip open my closet door. So there I am, sitting on the floor of my closet with no shirt on, with a cigarette in my hand.
This is where I'm not quite sure what I was thinking. I'm surrounded by carpeting and clothes, so I'm at a loss of where to dab out my cigarette. I quickly reach for an old tennis shoe and, I kid you not, I put my still-lit cigarette into the shoe before turning to my step-mom and yelling, once again, "I'm naked."
She laughed this evil, soul-crushing laugh. It was the coldest laugh I've ever heard in my life, and I considered reaching up and grabbing a hoodie.
"How stupid do you think I am? Smoke is literally pouring from your closet!"
My parents fined me for smoking in the house, and the next day, I woke up to find all of my cigarettes broken in half.
Now I'm back to smoking in my bathroom.
buildmeupbreakmedown: Your parents *fined* you? Are you twelve fucking years old? What the fuck is this bullshit?
It baffles my mind how some people are stupid enough to *start smoking* this day and age, when we've known for years how absolutely awful it is to your body. Fifty years ago, people had an excuse. When the truth came to light, they were already addicted. But you - you knew everything, the first pack you bought came with a giant warning (maybe even a disgusting picture) and you still started smoking.
That was your fuck-up. Nothing you ever do will be as fucking stupid as this, kid. Enjoy your cancer sticks, you absolute fucking retard.
Rollinblacks: Fucking dickwad.
buildmeupbreakmedown: Yeah, it would be better to pretend that underage smoking isn't a big deal, right champ? You really are a fucking role model.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1407434823 | 1407529631 | t3_2cwklw | t5_2to41 | 3,253 | cumoncarpet: TIFU by cumming on my carpet and accidentally killing my cat.
Although this happened a decade ago, I am still "beating" myself over it and felt like I should get it off of my chest.
Back when I was 14, I was masturbating like no tomorrow. Once or twice a day for about two years, I would beat the meat in my bedroom and then proceed to ejaculate all over my carpet. I was a lazy kid and didn't keep a box of tissues in my room. I also liked to see how far I could shoot my cum, so being the sensible kid I was, I decided just spewing my load on our carpet was the best option. Let me point out that although we had carpet, it wouldn't become crusty or white or anything like that, so I wasn't worried about my parents seeing. When I was 14 we also had a cat who was 18 at the time and having some issues controlling his bladder. After two bouts of him pissing on our floor, my parents decided to find out where he was pissing, so they researched how to find out if your carpet has cat piss on it. They found out that under blacklight, cat pee glows in the dark. They ordered a blacklight off of the internet and then decided to scan all of our carpet right after the got the blacklight while I was at sleep away camp. When I got back the a week later my dad seemed off in the car back. Apparently while I was gone, they found that the cat had peed all over my room and decided it would be best for them to put him down while I was gone, to spare me the trauma of having to say goodbye when I came back, and also wanting to put him out of his suffering. I was sad at first, but then I thought that was a little strange since my beloved cat didn't hang out in my room very much because it was in the basement and quite cold. Wanting to see how bad it was, I waited until my parents went to sleep and went downstairs with the blacklight to check it out. My carpet had around 50 or so splotches of glowing stains on it and then it hit me. Those stains were my jizz. My parents must've thought it was cat pee and put the cat down before I could explain what it was. I was overwhelmed with guilt and sadness, but eventually when I was older, realized it wasn't entirely my fault. To this day I have told no one, so this feels real good to get off of my chest.
TL;DR: I was came all over my floor. Parents mistook it for cat pee and put my cat down.
Note: Sorry for bad grammar and run-on sentences.
**EDIT: I understand some of you are very mad at my parents for putting my cat down, and based off of the information, are rightfully so. Before Ben (the cat I accidentally killed) was put down, we had another cat named Otis. Otis was put down for a very similar reason to Ben. He, like Ben, had troubles controlling his bladder and would go all over our house. After a month of cleaning up cat pee and watching him suffer in rather obvious pain, we decided it would be best to put him down. I am assuming it seemed rather obvious to my parents that Ben was probably going through the same ordeal as Otis and they decided it would be best to put him down. Some of you are also asking how my parents mistook my jizz stains for cat pee. I had a spot to the right of my closet that I usually did the deed at, so overtime, I came in approximately the same place almost every time. I kinda looked like a meteorite strewn field or something, and I can easily see how it was mistaken for cat pee. They must've thought the other spots were excess pee after the main spray or something like that. For those of you asking how disgusting I was to cum all over my carpet, I was a horny pubescent fourteen year old boy. When I was jacking, I was thinking more with my hormones than my brain, so I must've just gone "Fuck it" and came everywhere. Now I realize how disgusting this is and haven't came on my floor in probably nine years. Anyway, I am happy to answer any messages you send me, so fire away. I will answer everyone, I PROMISE. Oh yeah and HOLY SHIT GUYS FRONT PAGE! That's awesome and I thank everyone who upvoted, commented, and even downvoted.**
freshpondindian16: For the rest of your life, whenever you're jerking off, your cat is up in cat heaven cursing you
Stegomastyx: that is the greatest comment i could ever imagine for this post
J9ZR: why is this being downvoted? He's just expressing his opinion the fuck reddit
bdawgsupreme: I up voted you to get you back to being zeroed out. Idk, sometimes I've replied to comments with lots of up votes expressing a similar thought or opinion which only serves to reinforce and bolster what the OP said and I get down voted. Some people are just fuckwads :,(
iiLuxurious: If he wanted to point out that it was a great comment he could just upvote it. No need to comment it, it doesn't help the discussion in any way.
bdawgsupreme: Just because a comment agrees with another one, that being the case doesn't preclude the possibility of that comment also having something to add parallel to it. 1v1 me on Instagram m9 is what I'm saying
iiLuxurious: lol instagram are you 5??? 1v1 me skyrim m10
bdawgsupreme: Lel k m6 top kek get reddy-teddy to get spoded by le spoderman
iiLuxurious: lol r u using le memes?????????? xDDDDD i c waht u did ther lolz!!!!!11!!!one!!11!!fiftyseven!!
bdawgsupreme: Dunt be sad friend that's why it's called shpoople
iiLuxurious: at least make your own phrases you cheeky cunt
bdawgsupreme: .lolmmkay ;D
| 13 | 250.230769 | |
1407435343 | 1407723148 | t3_2cwljb | t5_2to41 | 149 | Suthen: TIFU by having sex with my hospitalized SO. NSFW
My SO has been in the hospital since Monday night with problems with his asthma. He was on oxygen until yesterday, his stats were back up and he was set to be released today. I visited him last night, and I was beyond horny because it has been a couple of weeks. I was laying in the hospital bed with him and I started messing around with him. He said "baby, I get out tomorrow". I couldn't help myself though, and he never tells me no. So off to the bathroom we went. We used the shower chair and made it quick and fast.
Shortly after we finished his nurse came in to check his oxygen level. It was 90. They put him back on oxygen, and told him he probably wouldn't be released tomorrow. I instantly felt like shit, and he knew it. He tried to cheer me up, but I could tell he was a tiny bit annoyed.
I still held out hope that he would get sprung today. I called him this morning, and he has to stay another night in the hospital. I feel so damn guilty!
Today, ok really last night, I fucked up by having sex with my hospitalized SO, causing him to spend another night in there.
[deleted]: It's safer be happy!
Suthen: I don't want him to go home before he needs to. I just feel like his oxygen level wouldn't have dropped like that if I hadn't molested him in the damn hospital.
[deleted]: Imagine if it would have dropped to low if you'd had waited and molested him at home... Don't feel bad he had a once in a lifetime experience. Next time bring a nurse uniform. I bet he'd stay an extra week for that!
Suthen: I told him he gets unlimited "mouth hugs" now, he was pretty happy about that. You're right, I would have jumped him as soon as he got out. It would have lasted a lot longer too, so it's probably a good thing that I took him for a test drive while he was still in.
NoButthole: Damn, how old are you that you're married and have a sex drive like this?
KThxBaiNao: She's 30.
NoButthole: Impressive.
| 8 | 18.625 | |
1407437786 | 1407452906 | t3_2cwpy8 | t5_2to41 | 88 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally showing porn to my daycare students and coworkers
I'm currently working at a daycare center for the summer. This is my first job, and I'd say I do a pretty decent job at it, except for this one big fuck up.
The kids, who are 4-6 years old, nap for a few hours a day in the afternoon. During this time, I usually watch Netflix with some other coworkers. After lunch today, I flipped the lights off and waited for them to go to their cots while I took out my iPad and sat down at a table. A group of kids gather around me and demand that I play Frozen (even though I keep telling them it's not on Netflix). This was pretty typical, and they typically disperse after a few minutes, so I turned on my iPad and typed my PIN.
I had completely forgotten that the last thing I had open on my iPad was a bondage porn video in fullscreen, with the brightness turned all the way up. I hadn't closed the window or anything, so the first thing that showed up on my screen was a still image of a bound woman mid-squirt, Hitachi still on her clit, and all goodies visible. I frantically tried to close the page by doing the multiple finger swiping thing, but ended up hitting the play button. Load screaming ensued. Up until this point, the head teacher was a couple yards away and wasn't looking at the screen. Then she heard the screaming and turned....
I do end up closing the page a fraction of a second later, but this followed by a handful of 5 year olds giggling and asking me, "What was that, Miss MeatyYogurt?" The teacher walks up and tells me that she and my supervisor will speak to me after my day is done.
TLDR: Showed bondage porn to 5 year olds and coworkers, probably getting fired in two hours.
UPDATE: Just got home. Unsurprisingly, I got fired. Right before dismissal, I gave each kid a big hug and said goodbye before proceeding to the main office. Basically, I had to detail the whole situation to my supervisor. She said that I'm a fine worker and a lovely young lady and that she was really sorry she had to let me go. As disappointed as I am, I understand. Accident or not, my fuck up is completely unforgivable. I only had a week and a half left of this job, but it still feels really shitty. I'd grown really attached to some of these kids and met so many awesome people. I did not expect to get fired from my first job like this.
I am, however, still invited for their graduation at the end of the month. I'll be looking forward to that.
vanoreo: Please post an update
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lewwatt: Why the hell are people spamming up this thread with RemindMe comments when there is a link that says 'click here to also be reminded and to reduce spam'?
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| 6 | 14.666667 | |
1407439115 | 1407507558 | t3_2cwse5 | t5_2to41 | 61 | lufia1: TIFU by having the person in front of me pay for my coffee.
Stop at McDonalds to get coffee. 99 cents. I am informed the person in front of me paid for my order as a "pay it forward". The cashier then explains that it is customary (but optional) to pay for the party behind me to keep it going.
"Sweet, that sounds great!"
Logically, I didn't want to be the jerk that stopped it. As I look back regret starts to kick in. It's a minivan with what seemed to be at least 58 children.
Today I fucked up by paying $56 for a cup of shitty Mcdonald's coffee.
Waterwind: Dude I think you were scammed by the drive thru operator....I doubt the car behind you got 56 worth of free food. Also, why didn't you just say no after finding out how much? A bit unreasonable to expect you to pay 56x the normal price for your coffee...
8BitPoro: Just a thought, how is he going to say no after he drove off?
n1ggeritis: .... Well how did he known it was $56 in the first place
8BitPoro: Online banking
| 5 | 12.2 | |
1407433934 | 1407440477 | t3_2cwiv7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | PhreakyByNature: TIFU by not going home with my wife
acctbydayrapbynite: not the story i was expecting after seeing the title
PhreakyByNature: Yup, the tl;dr is enough. Still, I had to share one of my tamer tifus
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407440281 | 1407447438 | t3_2cwum3 | t5_2to41 | 31 | funnygamesordie: TIFU by asking if someone wanted collared greens
This happened a few years ago back when I worked at a hardware store. This store was a combo hardware store/greenhouse where we had flowers, vegetables, etc. So I'm in the back of the actual store just cutting up boxes to recycle when my manager calls my walkie-talkie which we used to keep in contact with each other (its a pretty big store). He tells me there is someone out in the greenhouse who wants collard greens.
Now, I happen to live in the Indiana, and here collard greens are considered a staple vegetable in a black household but not so much elsewhere. Also, I'm white. I walk out into the green house and see one person standing there, who happens to be an older black guy. With utmost innocence I walk over and ask him "Excuse me sir you must be looking for collard greens". After all, it must be him, he's the only one there.
He gives me a look that shows he was not, in fact, looking for collard greens. I can see the decades of oppression on his face as he musters up his dignity and says "No.... I was not." with a disappointed expression. As he walks away, defeated by yet another apparent act of racism even in this enlightened era, I see a white lady pop out of the small back hallway of the greenhouse (like its so small she must have been hiding back there) and ask "Excuse me, do you have any collard greens?" The guy never reported me or anything but I felt terrible the rest of the shift and still somewhat do.
123123112312: Oh god thats terrible, i hope that wasnt the straw that broke the camels back for that guy. you should have told him we have black pres
science_the_bear: Obama saves the day!
gogogazal: THANKS OBAMA
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1407440981 | 1407442498 | t3_2cwvyp | t5_2to41 | 15 | pottyheart: TIFU by smoking someone out
So, I met Jeffery who tells me that he’s never smoked pot. He says he’s always wanted to try it. Being a daily smoker myself, I tell him I could help him out. He agrees to go to his place and watch a movie while we chill. After work, I head to my place and pick up *Adaptation*, that flick with Nicolas Cage.
I get to his place at around midnight, I put the movie in, and after a few minutes I light a joint. We pass it back and forth ‘til it’s gone. I sit back and relax while admiring some of the best work Nicolas Cage has ever done; say what you will about him, he kicks ass in that movie. After laughing at his antics and his hair line while getting my mind blown by Charlie Kaufman’s writing, I look over to see that Jeffery is blankly staring at the screen, he hasn’t laughed or said a word. I ask him, “How are feeling, man?”
His eyes get wide and he grabs his chest and says, “Something isn’t right!” and jumps up off of the couch. He stands there breathing heavily and screams, “MY HEART!”
“Are you okay? What’s going on?” I say. He runs into the kitchen where I can’t see him. After a few moments, he comes out carrying a phone and an ashtray. He walks over to me, still breathing heavily with wide eyes.
“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” He screams and points to the door. “GET OUT!”
“Okay, okay.” I get my movie and start putting my shoes on. Before I can finish, I see something zoom by me towards the door and hear it slam. I look up to see that he is gone, and I am left alone in his house. So I hurry and finish tying my shoes and go out the door.
I turn to see that he is staring at me, still holding the phone and ashtray. When I came out, it must have scared him because he gasped and dropped the phone and ashtray, and ran down the stairs from his apartment. I follow him.
He runs away toward the road, he heads left. My place is to the right, so I head right. As we part I say, “Where are you going?” He turns and looks at me and sprints away.
And that’s it. I never saw him again…. For months, I never knew what happened to the guy.
That is, until I was telling a friend of mine the story. I mentioned Jeffery’s name and what had happened. He looked at me with a dead serious look on his face and said, “Dude, I think that was my cousin.”
I immediately thought, “Oh, shit… This guy’s gonna get pissed.” But, he just starts laughing hysterically. He goes on to tell me that Jeffery had ran down to the nearby nursing home and started banging on the door and windows, demanding that someone let him in! The dude had taken a chair and threw it through one of the windows. Obviously, they called the cops and he ended up spending the night in jail.
The story was that Jeffery had learned that he had some sort of heart condition when he was younger, and had a panic attack and thought his heart was going to explode. He was perfectly fine, just a little crazy.
TL;DR: got a dude high for the first time, he freaks and runs away, vandalizing a nursing home in the process and gets put in jail.
therealteej: Given the circumstances, I'm very impressed you remembered to grab the movie on the way out.
pottyheart: Nick Cage=Win.
I thought everyone knew this.
| 3 | 5 | |
1407437688 | 1407442461 | t3_2cwps6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Pokerjones: TIFU by throwing my roommate into the river
therealteej: So you're homeless as well? How u has the reddit?
WilliamRaine: Libraries have free internet.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407442657 | 1407521041 | t3_2cwz4s | t5_2to41 | 814 | demhandz81: TIFU by taking some advice I saw on Reddit.
So on reddit I saw a while back that taking a shit with your feet propped up on something makes it easier to poop. Also read about weird shit people do like pooping completely naked or with the lights off.
So as you can imagine, I figured why not try all three at once? Surely this *trifecta* will change the way I poop forever in a good way? Right?
**Wrong**
And it was only wrong because I decided to do it at a friends place. Now his parents weren't home at the time and we were playing video games as usual when all of a sudden I got a rumble in my tummy. Told him I was going to use the bathroom real quick so I run upstairs and go inside. That's when I remember all these neat things redditors do so I decided, fuck it, why not try it all right now?
So I "lock" the door. See I thought I locked it but apparently it didn't turn all the way. Feeling safe and secure, I get completely naked and turn off the lights. I didn't have anything to prop my feet on so here I am, butt ass naked, perched on the toliet seat like some poop gargoyle and I can hear the front door close. Great, his parents are home. No worries tho, door is locked yeah?
**Wrong again**
So here I am naked, vulnerable, perched on the toliet seat in darkness when I hear footsteps walking up the stairs. I figure his parents are just gonna go to their room but no, his mom all of a sudden has to use the bathroom. Since I had the lights off, she assumed no one is in there and since I thought I "locked" the door, I figured I was safe.
But I wasn't. I can HEAR the fucking door knob turn and I realize I am completely fucked. She opens the door, turns on the light and sees me in all my naked, ass gargoyle glory. She lets out an audible WTF and walks out.
She never said anything to my friend since hes never brought it up but I can never look her in the face again.
tl;dr Never take advice from reddit unless you want to look like an Ass Gargoyle
Edit: Everyone keeps saying I fucked up by not locking the door in the first place. I THOUGHT I LOCKED IT but I apparently didn't
asterify: But did it change the way you poop?
demhandz81: You know, the knees to chest thing actually works! Everything else though I can do without
HijaDeTaco: My friend and I used to play this game while he was at my house, I have two bathrooms, one upstairs, one downstairs, now see he introduced me to the legs propped up method, and he aptly titled it "pooping 2.0" it really was the future of shit innovation, now see, one of us would take each bathroom, signal the other by means of yelling I'm ready, and both start vigorously shitting in the aforementioned method until we were done, whoever finished first won. Yep,
DouglassFunny: You guys are doing it wrong. It's a marathon not a sprint, my friend.
HijaDeTaco: I'm not sure I could drop a 26 mile dookie. :/
superflippy: Clearly you're not getting enough fiber.
| 7 | 116.285714 | |
1407442731 | 1407514219 | t3_2cwz9h | t5_2to41 | 115 | Muggsy_P: TIFU by fingering my cat's asshole
deadkenny925a: I like how you include the word "asshole" in the title but then get all shy about swearing in the TL; DR and refer to your cats dick as its "privates".
Muggsy_P: I refuse to consider I may have given my cat a hand job. But I probably did...
deadkenny925a: I think I saw a similar TIFU post by your cat earlier. "Got all nipped-out last night and things got weird with my human".
Muggsy_P: I bet he can type... Though we abstain from cat nip. He tends to go hog wild over it. He's prone to wild mood swings!
| 5 | 23 | |
1407442717 | 1407522412 | t3_2cwz8p | t5_2to41 | 569 | willnoonan: TIFU by ignoring a couple bees in my bedroom until things got insane. UPDATE/PHOTOS
For the uninitiated here is a link to my post from earlier today: [TIFU by ignoring a couple bees in my bedroom until things got insane.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cv0ht/tifu_by_ignoring_a_couple_bees_in_my_bedroom/)
I uploaded that post last night (early this morning) at 1 am from my gf's place where I was staying. I woke up today to reddit gold and some upvotes.
I was proud of my first TIFU post doing okay and spent my morning glowing with the pride of being gilded and checking my iPhone regularly for nice comments.
Then I returned home and realized things were not fixed and were much worse than I thought.
Before I even went into the house, I walked around the side to look at my bedroom's air conditioner and to my dismay, still saw a bunch of bees hovering around it, with no clear entry point. I made a "hmph." sound and walked into the house and directly to the bedroom. I opened the door slowly and carefully, only opening my eyes once it was open two or three inches and, to my further dismay, saw about 10 or 11 bees flying around in my room. A cluster of them was forming above one of the windows in kind of a ball. I smashed them with a magazine and promptly turned around, walked to the store and bought a huge can of Raid Wasp (their last one) and another can of Raid Flying Insect Killer. ( I figure it's all pretty much the same poison they just add a little ingredient here and there so they can sell more product).
I don't like killing and I know I should have probably called a beekeeper, but this is my bedroom, I need it to sleep and browse reddit, and I needed to take care of this immediately because it was freaking me out. Also, I couldn't investigate properly because of all the bees, so I just had to spray something so I could get a look at the damn air conditioner.
Like I said in my last post, when I installed the AC I put a blanket underneath it to insulate/block any air hole to outside, and put duct tape around it to keep it more air tight. I couldn't figure out where these fuckers where coming in because I had seemingly taped up every inch of space around this AC. So I decided to say fuck it, and pull out the blanket totally, remove the AC entirely and seal my entire bedroom off from fresh air for a couple days so no more friggin bees can get in.
This was a horrible decision.
It turns outs, the bees had made their hive INSIDE MY ROOM.
They had pushed out the inside of the blanket to make a cave underneath the AC unit. The [blanket](http://i.imgur.com/4bC7XbKl.jpg) and [the wall](http://i.imgur.com/Qbr354Il.jpg) were protecting this entire beehive (that little hole underneath the center of the AC was where they were all getting in and out, couldn't see it at all because it was underneath the duct tape and made inside blanket "fortress" I thought I had made) and when I pulled the blanket out, I essentially [ripped an indoor beehive that I didn't know about directly in half](http://i.imgur.com/u6xMpPxl.jpg), inside my bedroom.
(I realize these pictures make me look like a filthy hoarder, but remember, I had just sprayed everything with Raid, and this is a dark dingy spot behind a cedar hope chest type thing that was nearly flush with the wall below the AC. I haven't looked back there in a year, easy.)
So at this point the bees are going crazy, full Pearl Harbor mode, I got stung again on my hand, in almost the same spot as before but most of the bees were avoiding me as I was spraying this poison all over the place and coating their entire hive with it. I realize I'm still holding the purple blanket like an idiot and I chuck it out the open window and it falls into my yard gracefully surrounded by confused, drunk and dying bees. It was gratifying.
Then I angrily spray the hell out of the offending spots and hive and it was really all over pretty quickly. Hundreds of dead or dying bees littered my floor and I stood in a cloud of smoky poison feeling triumphant.
Here are some pics of the hive.
[It was pretty much 5 or 6 layers of this](http://i.imgur.com/D5VxLu1l.jpg) and [this](http://i.imgur.com/D51ZpVil.jpg).
[A dying soldier telling me to fuck myself with his last breath](http://i.imgur.com/LaHY5RKl.jpg)
[You could see eggs, maggots, larvae, and nearly fully grown bees ready to hatch, most of them were still moving at this point](http://i.imgur.com/MiRF6sol.jpg)
I know some people will call me heartless for killing the bees, I'm sorry but I felt it had to be done.
Others will assume I'm a negligent filthball to have not noticed a gigantic beehive growing in my room for what must have been months. To those people I say this: My room is not very dirty, usually. It varies. It goes from nearly serial killer level of tidy to covered in clothes like a r/gonewild girl's bedroom in a day and back again. But I am not the kind of guy who eats cereal in his room and leaves the bowl there. No food trash of any kind is in there, just clothes and some clutter.
But still. How did I not notice?
Honestly, I should have investigated a month or two ago when I started noticing the odd bee here and there. But it was once a week at most, until a couple weeks ago when I started seeing one lone bee every day. Until of course yesterday when I saw a bunch and wrote the original post, I hadn't seen many. I never heard any buzzing either (probably because they were insulated by the blanket and the AC was always on).
One sign I think I did miss was there had been a somewhat odd smell the past week in my room. I had spilled coffee in there and I figured I just did a shitty job of cleaning it and the smell was it getting all funky. I'm thinking now, the beehive may have gotten so big it had an odor, not unlike stale milk or rotting food.
It's hard to tell know because my room just smells like Raid. But, alas, my windows are sealed up and there are no more bees.
However, the ones who were at work all day continue to show up at my closed window surprised to find a human living in their house.
harmlessmaniac: If you killed the queen and there are any drones left, I *think* I'm right in saying you're the queen now OP. All glory to /u/willnoonan !
I may be wrong though. Didn't there used to be lots of super-friendly Biologist redditors? It's like they all disappeared the last week or so...
flamingtoastjpn: the biggest biology redditor /u/Unidan got banned for using 5 accounts to up vote his stuff and down vote everyone else's
112524: Oh shit, really? Everyone loved that guy though! He didn't need to do that, what were five extra up votes/ downvotes to him? Nothing!
flamingtoastjpn: as the admins explained, the 5 up votes/downvotes gave him the endue he needed for his comment to not get buried (and for other biology comments to get buried), which fucks up the democratic system.
He is still around, under /u/UnidanX I think
plasmodus: How did they find out he had the other 5 accounts?
nithon: http://i.imgur.com/LTYfJWr.jpg
plasmodus: I meant how did the admins find out, but someone already answered
| 8 | 71.125 | |
1407430169 | 1407466179 | t3_2cwbim | t5_2to41 | 4 | thestonedllama: TIFU by eating salsa.
I love chips and salsa. They are my go to snack and I will eat them til my heart is content. I was chomping on some picante salsa, minding my business and then I ran out. I run to the fridge and get more. I see a glass and pour it into my bowl.
I eat 5 chips full of salsa and then BOOM. Habanero salsa. I drink about a quarter gallon of water to tame the fire that is my mouth.
Fast forward to now. I am now sitting on the dumped squealing in pain from the habanero butthole. I am sweating a metric shittonne .
Tl;dr my anus=fire
J9ZR: You know nothing of the wrath of the burning anus, until you've been stoned eating 2 bags of flaming hot cheetos, and the liquid scarlet shit that ensues.
thestonedllama: Hot cheetos are gross. It's all about hot fries.
tatertot44: What is the deal with those?? Everyone I went to college with loved them but they are 100% disgusting. Is it a southern thing?
| 4 | 1 | |
1407442740 | 1407508066 | t3_2cwz9y | t5_2to41 | 75 | TheLargeFoggyWindow: TIFU by stabbing a Styrofoam box (possibly NSFW)
This happened a few years ago, but its probably the biggest fuck-up I've ever been involved in.
I used to work at a cemetery as a groundskeeper. General upkeep, mowing lawns, trimming bushes, painting walls, that kind of thing. Occasionally I would help with digging cremation holes since it's not practical to try to get a machine around the headstones. Usually it took about an hour and a half to dig one hole.
Anyway, one day we got a call from a woman whose husband was about to pass away. She told us that he wanted to be buried next to their baby, who died shortly after birth in 1974 and was buried in our cemetery. Unfortunately, there wasn't any room next to the baby, and he was going to be buried at a different cemetery. The widow-to-be told us that he still wanted to be buried next to his baby, so we decided to dig it up and bring it over to the other cemetery.
Usually when we need to look for a casket, we take a 6-foot (roughly 1.8m) metal poker and start poking around. We figured it'd be best to take that approach, and so we set about our work. We took the poker and started to look for the casket, since we didn't want to spend an hour and a half digging a hole in the wrong place, since we didn't know if the baby was buried directly under the headstone or right in front of it.
We (my co-worker and I) spent a half hour poking around by the headstone. For the life of us, we couldn't find it. So we figured, "fuck it, let's start digging". After another hour of digging, we don't find a casket, but we do find a Styrofoam box, about a foot and a half long, with six holes through the lid. Finally getting it out of the ground, morbid curiosity gets the best of us and we open the lid. The baby had been buried in this Styrofoam box instead of a casket, and we poked through it six times.
*tl;dr Impaled a 40-year-old Styrofoam casket six times, stabbing a baby's body each time.*
somechubbychick: How weren't you sued?
lololiz: ...
| 3 | 25 | |
1407443899 | 1419518314 | t3_2cx1fk | t5_2to41 | 17 | bowyer-betty: Tifu by possibly(probably) dating my half sister.
This actually happened years ago when I was in high school. I met this girl (we'll call her Sandy,) and I was immediately smitten with her. I guess she felt the same way, because within 2 days we were a couple. We had so much in common. Sense of humor, musical ability(I play guitar and alto sax, she played flute clarinet and bassoon,) and taste in movies, among other things. On top of that, neither of us knew our fathers. The sex was great.
We were still in the "getting to know you" stage of things, and were swapping facts about ourselves, when I told her that I have the trait for sickle cell disease. "Oh shit, really?" She said. "Me too!" She didn't put it together. We didn't have sex that day, and I broke up with her shortly after that. I didn't have the heart to tell her why.
Sickle cell is very rare in caucasians. 1 in 80,000 if not more. We lived in a small town, population around 10,000. I have since discovered that I have lots and lots of half siblings, 2 confirmed in the same town in which I grew up. A few have the trait. I guess my dad got around. I'm no mathematician, but she pretty much has to be my sister. No wonder we got along so well.
TL;DR:
"I love you"
"I love you, too"
"Tell me something about yourself"
"I'm probably your brother"
traugdor: /r/incest
bowyer-betty: You, sir, didn't use the word statistic. So you get the upvote.
ssjkriccolo: /r/incestatistic
kiririno: /r/incestastic
ssjkriccolo: /r/insectastic
kiririno: /r/insecstacy
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1407444141 | 1407493135 | t3_2cx1vq | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by swishing with salt water then going for a walk
I had my wisdom teeth removed 3 weeks ago and I'm supposed to swish with salt water once or twice daily.
The other day at work, I ate lunch then decided to do the salt water thing. Immediately after, without spitting it out, I went for a walk around the building to stretch my legs as per usual at lunchtime. I figured I could spit the water out on some fucking bush once I was outside.
When I stepped out I turned a corner where there's a gazebo, and saw that it was packed with people on break just chilling. I tried to keep walking so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone, but someone enthusiastically yelled out my name and told me to come "join the party."
My mind raced as I lifted my hand to wave in greeting. Do I spit out the water so I can speak? I'm standing in a god damned parking lot. That would be gross in front of everyone, my mouth is full. I was running out of time to respond, so I ended up making some weird ass grunting noise, followed by a hand gesture resembling some kind of fucked up caveman. The guy who yelled my name started laughing loudly in an attempt to spare me embarrassment, but too late. I just walked away.
Everyone I work with now thinks I'm some kind of asocial plebeian who can't speak properly. Oh well.
TheRealMcCoy95: Where is the shame in spitting out salt water? Id say almost everyone has had a tooth removed at one point or another in their life. Just tell them its salt water... Everyone will understand.
smokinporch: Yeah you forgot to add the usual pretext that you're awkward among other people xD
| 3 | 7 | |
1407444977 | 1407470676 | t3_2cx3fg | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by telling my gf how I feel
I have been talking to this girl from the states, Im in Canada, for a little over two years. I love her and I want to meet her. There are some things that are holding us back. She is going through a divorce still not finalized. I haven't told her how insecure I feel about making such a big decision to have her live with me here or bite the bullet and quit my job and find something down there with her. She is still shy towards me, we don't face time much at all, maybe twice in total. We talk on an app we have that you can send messages like a walkie talkie. Anyways I went out with a friend and hung out with this other girl. I haven't had sex in about 2 years and this was honestly the closest I've been with a girl physically since then. Nothing happened but I could feel the tension between us. Before all this my gf has trouble with feeling wanted and always kept saying she loved me more than herself and only wants me to be happy even if it wasn't with her. I would always correct her and tell her I was happy. I really was. She said it again and I just let it go this time. Said maybe I need to find myself and broke up with her. Worst mistake ever. She forgave me and we cried to ourselves. The next day I tell her that I kinda wanted to sleep with that girl not for any reason except to feed the urge. That was my mistake. She hates me now and says she doesn't know who I am anymore. I am trying to explain to her that I made a mistake but she isnt really listening. She is not a 10 in the eyes of society but she is a 10 in my heart and I was starting to realize how alone I would be without her in my life. So I back pedal for some hope that I didn't ruin my chances with her, but its too late. The urge to be with someone else physically is gone completely now and my heart bleeds. Such a mistake. This happened yesterday.
TangentialFUCK: >She is going through a divorce still not finalized.
hmmmm how long has this been going on? I say *you* move on.
Kipzilla420: She was married when she was first talking to me online. Unhappy and abused. I learned to love her because her personality is so colourful and she honestly brings out the best in me. She divorced to make herself happy and also for the chance to meet me. Her whole childhood is a nightmare and what started out as feeling sorry for her, turned into learning more about myself and filling my mind with good thoughts and positiveness. She was at the point of killing herself. Probably lossed about 200 pounds since she's met me. She is at least willing to talk to me now and listen to my reasons.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407445791 | 1407531333 | t3_2cx4xu | t5_2to41 | 7 | Kblobble: TIFU A chance at my dream job, for a celebrity, with possibly the dumbest comment I've ever made...
I was a journalism/creative writing student throughout school. I actually enjoyed drafting college essays, and made quite a lot of money at one point in time writing them for others. (shhh). I'm not quite the kid in the corner of Starbucks with a Mac book, but I certainly have had dreams of becoming the next Audrey Niffenegger. I have been through a lot of trials in my young adult life. I am now 25 and have raised a 6 year old, worked full-time and put myself through school with little to no assistance until I remarried two months ago. In the past year I have been taking steps to better my life in a number of ways. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I am to a point where I can and am ready to begin striving for true happiness in every aspect.
I was recently informed that I had landed an interview for a position that entailed content writing in a specified department for a pretty fucking famous country singer and his band. I never believed in a million years that I had a shot, but as part of my new promise to myself I dove head first. I had less than a full 24 hours to prepare after receiving the call and I was nervous as hell. I entered the beautifully decorated board room to discover that my seat was to be at the end of a large table with three other women. Over the next hour they proceeded to ask me a mass amount of questions, ranging from typical past experience inquiries to possible additional hobbies, in rapid succession. There was quite a lot of irrelevant banter between the women after each question, and all of this left my head spinning. I felt as though things were going decently. I was somewhat internally frustrated due to the fact that I usually breeze through interviews without nerves, but today my voice was even a little shaky.
Then the question....
"If you could write anything right now, what would it be?"
I froze. I even thought to myself, what in the world kind of question is this?? And then, that's when it happened...the cluster fuck of words that fell from my mouth was something like, "I love history..." der... swallow hard, I think to myself that maybe I can turn this around, but then.... "uh, factual type....um...writings"..What am I saying I am creative!......"maybe FICTION".
Now, I obviously know the difference between Fiction and Non-Fiction. However, according to these women I will probably forever go down in history as the lady who applied for a writing job, but didn't know the two main divisions of writing.
FML
DL;DR Someone should tell these guys to get better interviewers, and I know what the hell is up with writing....
mvg210: keep your head up interviews can be really awkward/cringy... you'll find your dream job if you keep looking and writing!
500 bits /u/changetip
Kblobble: You are incredibly kind!! :) Grazie Mille!! Lucky for me it is said that writer's live twice.
apachestop: I cannot lose to this guy.
+/u/dogetipbot 133.7 doge
+/u/reddtipbot 10 rdd
Kblobble: über cool! :-o
apachestop: Alt + 666?
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1407446395 | 1407447335 | t3_2cx623 | t5_2to41 | 4 | marosura: TIFU by sleeping instead of getting laid for the first time.
Well, this happend a few years ago, when I was a 15 years old horny teenager virgin boy.
I don't know if this concept of school in nature is known to you, so I will try to explain. At elementary school, few weeks before the school year is over, some classes happen to go to a campsite to enjoy beauties of nature and – of course – study as well. Basically, it’s a week long trip and all what you do is that you study in a morning and hang out at campsite or near forests for the rest of the day. You sleep at 4 man cabins with nothing just beds and some shelves in them. WC and showers are placed in one building at the camp. And, which is very important, at least 2 other schools are staying at the camp at the same time.
You see, I was at our cabin with 3 other boys and as all of them were pretty outgoing, we started to hang out with some kids from a different school. There was this 16 y/o girl called Sam (made up name) and all 3 of my friends were trying to get her attention and get in her pants, and I don’t blame them, she was so damn pretty and cute. Most of the time, I just sat there, held the conversation with others and cringed about their trying to impress her or something. Not that she wasn’t flirting with them or so, but you could tell she was uniterested.
One evening, when she aproached me, and we started casually talking about silly thigs etc., she gave me her nuber, and we were texting almost whole night. I’m kind of antisocial individual, so it was like a blessing from whenever blessings come from. I liked that girl.
Well, my friends gave up on trying to put their turkey in the oven so I had a clean path. I learned, that Sam had a boyfriend older than her for about a year, but broke up few weeks ago, and some other casual stuff. Yes, I started to feel butterflies in my stomach. Well, it was dark that evening we were talking about those things, and even that i’m not the most forward person, I kissed her, blah blah blah, very romantic, something something.
We hang out like this for a next few days but end of this school trip is near to end and our scholls were like at the other sode of our country, so nothing to become from this little love story, we both knew.
Me and my friends were usually up to 3AM and were talking about some shit, so after a week of max. 4 hour sleep everyday, we were pretty tired the last day.
My phone started to beep – I got a text from her. She wanted to meet near the bathroom building at the middle of a night. Well, you can now see, what was going through my mind. I’m gonna see those 16 y/o B-cups molded by the Feidias himself and this ass you want to bite when you see it. I suggested meeting at 11:45pm at the place – she agreed. I had like hour of time, so i expected to hold a conversation with my friends and then head off to wonderland. As I said before, we were pretty tired, so all of my friends fell asleep about 11:20pm, so it was just me, lonely soldier on a mission to stay awake for a next 25 minutes. I had to hold it, but was really tired.
11:35pm – Well I guess if I will close my eyes for a good five minutes nothing bad will hapen right? I need to have them rested, they are gonna se a wonderfull things and thanks to them i’m gonna be able to pictruce those joyfull moments for the rest of my life. I did so. After five minutes, I opened my eyes but something felt weird as I was really sleepy.
FUCK. I DID NOT DO THAT, DID I? FUCK, FUUUUCK. WHAT IS THE TIME???!!! 1:40am.
I could hear my heart shatter in 5165321641313 fucking pieces. Then I saw a message from her. Time 12:10am. Well it was cold April night and according to her message, she had only mini shorts and lousy sweater on her, nothing under, nothing above and assumed I fell asleep when I did not come up even 10 minutes after time I suggested. I just died inside because I realized how badly i fucked up. Instead of getting laid fot the first time in my life with a girl I totally fell in love with, I just sat here with mobile phone in my hand saying worst curses I could come up with.
Anyhow, next morning, when Isaw her I told her how big idiot I am, but what has been done cannot be undone. Then, after few hours, we both got to busses and both went our ways.
Well i just ended up with blue balls and scarred hearth. We managed to stay in contact over facebook, but nothing more. I mean once she showed up at my city for a day but we just met for and hour, had coffee and that’s all.
Even after all those years I tear up a little bit when I think about that, but when I tell this story to my friends they also tear up. But from my stupidness, because I just really fucked up.
TL;DR: My 15 y/o self fell in love with a girl on a week long school trip. Instead of getting laid for the first time in my life, I rather fell asleep and let those tits freeze in windy and cold April night.
ReptilianOver1ord: feelsbadman.jpg
image_linker_bot: [feelsbadman.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/Xo9GNok.jpg)
---
^(*Feedback welcome at /r/image_linker_bot*)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1407447744 | 1407448129 | t3_2cx8is | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by spitting on my crush while dreaming
I have been exploring lucid dreaming (/r/LucidDreaming) in the last couple of months, because I was getting satisfaction from it, and hey, I was getting some punani in my dreams, as I can't get any IRL.
Till yesterday that is. I have had a crush on this beautiful blond girl since high school and we were quite good friends. By the miracle of Mark Zucerbergs website, we got in touch and hooked up for some drinks. After a few, we became more and more loose and the topic of why we never fucked in high school arose. Being drunk and having nothing too loose, I bluntly said "You never gave me a chance to bring it up". Now, not to sound brave, I said it more jokingly, "How about you give me that chance now?". To my surprise, but with some hesitation, she said "Fuck it, why not?".
Yadda yadda yadda, my place.
Yadda yadda yadda, funkyzeit.
Yadda yadda yadda, "Spend the night, I'll drive you to work tommorow".
I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, turn over and continue to sleep after a few moments, but I am fully aware that I was awake. I turned to her, placing my face near her head, probably waking her up a bit. Then she turned her face toward me. I like to think of it that she was looking at me in a gaze full of love and potential, but also mixed with some relief and joy. That was probably keeping her up.
I, on the other hand was deep in my LD world, coming home to my LD wife after work at the *Büro*. After I fucked the brains out of my LD wife, I went to wash my face and to drink a glass of water, as I usually do in my dreams. Faith has it, that I also spit the excess water out of my mouth that had gotten in while washing my face. You know those stories that you hear about people peeing in their dreams and then peeing IRL?
Yup. I spat my crush. And boy, that was no ordinary sputum. It was that heavy sticky spit you get after drinking and having sex. It blasted right on to her face, like cum in porn, covering parts of her nose, her right eye, her eyebrow and a part of it flew directly in her nose.
She jumped of the bed, screamed, yelled that I was a chicken shit and that I got her drunk. She said that she would also press charges, for getting her drunk and basically, raping her, because of course, she is a law student and *she knows what her rights are*. I tried to get some words in for myself, but my every word was over-shouted. Being still a bit drunk I didn't put up a fight.
She locked the bathroom door, started to wash up, mumbling something. I didn't bother to listen, because it was all over anyway, why get more deep in to her shit.
Now for the other awkward part... Her phone didn't have any charge left, so I had to call her a cab. Which didn't come for 15 mins. She just stood in my hall, because it was raining outside. One of the longest 15 mins of my life. I just said "Your cab is here", she slammed the door and left.
It's a new day now. It's the evening. No calls, no messages. Just a message from my buddy saying *"Spitter, lol"*. They study together. So probably, all my buddies are going to know, all her girlfriends surely already know.
As for me, I am going to dwell on /r/howtonotgiveafuck and fuck my LD wife every night. Might even spit her for fun.
**TL/DL**
Hooked up with my crush from highschool. Went to my place. Fucked. She stayed over. Spat her while dreaming. She freaked out. Had to call her a cab. My friends already know, hers also. Possible getting sued for rape.
defkilo: very rude and raunchy
bedspitter: Her?
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407448330 | 1407450078 | t3_2cx9kl | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a burger
This happened a few months ago.
I live in England so me and my family went to Weston Super Mare for a short break. All was well as we arrived at our hotel room so we decided to go to Burger King for dinner, because who doesn't like burgers, right? I decided to get a Whopper and everyone else got the King of the Day, so they were all a bit pissed that mine had cost more.
After eating our burgers we decided to head back to the hotel, and at this point I felt a horrible pain in my stomach, and thinking that I needed to "go" and not wanting to poop in a public toilet, I didn't mention it to my family and decided to wait until we got back before I did my business.
20 minutes passed. The pain was worse than ever and we still weren't back yet: I had a headache, I felt sick, and the pain was getting worse.
As soon as we arrived back I went straight for the bathroom, but even after relieving myself the pain was still there. Barely sleeping through the night as the pain was so bad.
I woke up around 5am, I awoke my mum to tell her about it. She said she was too tired to worry about it and told me to go back to sleep.
At about 9am my mother took me to the hospital where they kept me in all day and diagnosed me with appendicitis and eventually removed my appendix through keyhole surgery (my family spent the day enjoying their holiday without me).
The first thing I remember when I woke up was throwing up on myself and the nurse having to give me new sheets. I kept throwing up every time I stood up because of the anaesthetic.
Plus I had to take a 5 hour drive home the next day. It was hell.
TLDR: Ate a burger while may have caused me to get appendicitis while on a 3 day break.
crunchy_butts: How did the burger cause the appendicitis? Doesn't it just kind of happen on its own regardless of what someone eats?
xScorchx: Yes, yes it does
| 3 | 2 | |
1407449454 | 1407513071 | t3_2cxbif | t5_2to41 | 28 | raintrouser: TIFU by telling my boss to 'not ignore the dick'
So I was chatting with my friend at work on our messaging app and she comes out with a classic 'you cant just ignore the dick' which I promptly copy and hound her with it for a while.
A few minutes later my boss walks past and I call him over to show him the results of a query i'd wrote, except instead of the ID I wanted to query I still had that fantastic quote copied so when I pasted it into SQL server i was presented with this beauty:
SELECT g.id,
g.groupCode,
g.description,
g.groupTypeId,
g.accountId,
g.createdBy,
g.createdDatetime,
g.modifiedBy,
g.modifiedDatetime
FROM Groups g WITH(NOLOCK)
RIGHT OUTER JOIN Customers c WITH(NOLOCK) ON
c.groupId = g.Id
WHERE c.siteRefNum = 'you cant just ignore the dick'
Needless to say it didn't return the results I was expecting...
Toreddo: At least you could be happy that your friend didn't write:
you cant just ignore the dick'; DROP ALL TABLES; --
Because then you would've really fucked up.
raintrouser: shit, need to protect against sql injection in all scenarios!
apachestop: Be careful.
'or''='
<script>alert("XSS")</script>
GiardiaMD: What do I have to learn to be able to understand these jokes?
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: "How to sacrifice friends for programming knowledge" -- one of Oprah's top 10 books for the summer.
Ont the other hand, the first one is SQL about deleting all information from a database.
The second one is, I think, javascript? Basically they're talk about when a program asks for user input, but doesn't parse the input safely, so the program reads the input as code instead of a string, and runs it.
| 6 | 4.666667 |
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