start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1351449462 | 1351634511 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | ConstableOdo: TIFU by thinking head hair waxed like eyebrow hair
So I was waxing my eyebrows and upper lip today. I am a lucky woman, I don't have dark body hair. It's just dark enough I can see it if I get close.
Anyway, I had some left over hot wax and decided "You know, I really have always hated my prominent Widow's Peak." It's like a cartoon of Dracula's hair grew on my forehead.
So I trim the hair to about 3/4th inch, marking what I want gone. I smeared the wax on the hair I had cut, so I thought, and RIP. It felt like I had been hit in the forehead with a brick. I bit my tongue and tasted blood. The damn cloth had slipped out of my fingers. I still had 2/3rds of the peak to go. I grab it again, set my jaw nice and strong and pulled. Slipped again, about 1/3rd to go.
Anyway, in my pain and misery, I didn't noticed that a sizeable portion of hair I wanted to keep was trapped in the top part.
So now I have a lot of pain, a cut tongue, and a half-dollar sized indent in my hairline going up into my part.
Never wax your head hair. It's really, really in there.
[deleted]: That's almost as bad as me using Nair on my manly parts. Do. Not. Ever. Do. That.
Unless you like having a firecrotch. Which then turns into a very ITCHY crotch.
dannydale: AND ITCHIER AND ITCHIER
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1351450479 | 1351544303 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | GravyMaster: TIFUpdate: Guy who pissed his GF's bed.
Original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/124dg6/tifu_by_pissing_my_girlfriends_bed_shit/
So I ended up sending her a long-ass text apologizing for pissing the bed. She didn't respond for about 40 minutes, those 40 minutes were a very nervous 40 minutes. When she finally did respond, she told me to calm down. Turns out she was convinced that she was the one who pissed the bed because she apparently has bad nightmares sometimes and pisses the bed. I'm convinced I pissed the bed, she's convinced it was her. So everything is fine! Huzzah!
I would say "Today I didn't fuck up" but, I'm still pretty sure that it was me and that she just said that to make me feel better. But hey, I still have a girlfriend who touches my wiener so we're all good.
TL;DR Possible double bed-piss, we'll never know. Utch touches all around!
KB-ILL: I feel like she is covering for you, but good for you that she likes you enough to be like "well, I piss the bed too, sometimes..."
puredoubt: yeah. that's what i would do. my exGF shat on my couch in a drunken blackout once and i never told her.
themech: upvote for making me laugh out loud. and being a nice person
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1351483468 | 1351693163 | null | t5_2to41 | 184 | [deleted]: TIFU by unintentionally quitting my job
So the situation isn't resolved and I'm feeling anxious about it, so I thought I'd share how badly I fucked myself over. Rewind to a couple days ago, Saturday...
I opened for my first job from 5am-10am, but they asked me to stay later because they needed help. I said, "sure, I don't have my other job today!" Well, I was wrong. While I was there, I was expected at my other job (where I am paid better and receive awesome benefits...). I checked my voicemail at 1pm to hear a curious reminder "It's 10am and you were supposed to be in at 9am, wondering if you're gonna make it in today..." FUCK! That's my third strike! I'm in for it! I'm totally fired. God damn it. I fucked up. I try and decide what to do, but there's a couple parties I needed to get ready to attend. Oh well, I'll just have to apologize when I'm next scheduled and let what's bound to happen... happen. I'm next scheduled to work Monday...
Wrong.
I have a nice time at these parties, the latter of which leads to some drinking. I still manage to sleep a good 8 hours and wake up at 9:30am on what I assumed was my day off. I check my phone and get a voicemail from another person at work reminding me I was supposed to be in at 8am. God damn it. I thought I couldn't fuck myself over anymore than I already had, but I was wrong. I even got a Facebook message asking if I was okay...
I fucked up so bad. I'm scheduled for tomorrow right after my other job. I guess I just didn't write down when I worked this weekend yet managed to write down that I work tomorrow? Fuuuuck I don't really know how to approach this, it's so unlike me to have this happen. They probably think I'm in the hospital or dead or something!
**TLDR; I wasn't aware I was scheduled... two days in a row. I have to go in tomorrow and face the wrath of being fired for the first time.**
*Edit: I'm really not making excuses for myself and I don't think I deserve my job... I'm sorry to the world I took on more responsibility than I can handle. I just suck, I understand that. I just thought I'd let everyone else profit from realizing how much more responsible they are than I am.I fucked up because I am a fuck up, I have never been able to do much right i'm sorry. i'm just a dumb little girl who tried to be grown up*
Baconated_Kayos: Im not reading all the other replies.
Simply call your boss today, and ask if you two can sit down and talk tomorrow about an hour/hour and a half before your shift. Show up at the agreed-upon time tomorrow, sit down with the boss in private. Explain what happened, how you messed up, how you plan on preventing such errors in the future. Take responsibility for your mistake. Tell them that you enjoy working there, mention some things you really like about it that are more ephemeral than money (atmosphere, clientele, co-workers, you feel comfortable and relaxed rather than stressed, etc). Make no excuses. Dont say "I got drunk and forgot, im sorry." Just say "I messed up and I didn't meet my commitment to you and to everyone else that was working. I'm sorry for that. I really enjoy working here, and I believe that I can be an even better asset to the company with this experience behind me." and offer to be put on a probationary period, with terms of attendance.
If anyone I ever managed came to me and did that, there's no way I'd let them go. I would have had to write them up most likely, but **I** would have made the deal that, if you get through this 30/40/60/whatever day Probationary Period clean, your write-up gets thrown out and expunged.
If your boss still wants to fire you, so be it.. Thank them, shake their hand, apologize again. Ask if you will be eligible for rehire in the future, and keep in touch with them over the next few months either way.
But at least **you** can move on knowing that you were mature enough to take responsibility for what happened, you can learn from it, and in the long run, that's all that matters.
[deleted]: OP...this is the best post in the thread. Read it at least twice...we do know how absent-minded you are.
d4nm3d: i think OP probably forgot he posted this and is off getting pissed somewhere.
petitelove: I don't understand why everyone is getting so aggressive about this... I understand I'm not the brightest chick in the world but this is going from reiterating how much I fucked up to mocking me. Most of the advice I got from the few friends I manage to keep in touch gave me mediocre advice... I was anticipating Reddit giving me a constructive dose of reality, not mocking me...
d4nm3d: To be honest, this is a constructive dose of reality.. You fucked up.. several times.. and went about apologising in the most pathetic way.
Get your shit together.
there you go :)
MrAmsterdammit: What d4nm3d said.
This is reality and this is what the vast majority of people will (or at least, should) tell you. Sometimes the truth sucks.
d4nm3d: Thanks... unfortunately my insights haven't been well received here so i appreciate you backing me up on this one :)
MrAmsterdammit: Meh, there will always be people who don't agree with an opinion, but to me, your words are correct.
Sometimes people (OP in this case) need a good kicking to open their eyes and notice that the world isn't all that friendly a place I'm afraid, you have to sort shit out for yourself and stop blaming others!
| 9 | 20.444444 | |
1351513997 | 1351571063 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,374 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting in a date's bed
Last night, I had a great date and great "festivities" after. While he was showering this morning, I thought I would pass a small bit of gas under the warm covers. Instead, I released the diarrhea. On the white sheets. It smelled so badly! He came in and saw my face, but didn't explicitly realize why I was blushing. I thought about grabbing my clothes, but instead I told him that I had something embarrassing to tell him that would make him not want to go on another date. I lied, and told him that I got my period and I would buy him new sheets. I balled his sheets, so that he would be forced to wash them before evening. There is no way he won't know when he washes them - the smell is awful!!
To make matters worse, I left my FAVORITE vintage belt, so I have to see him EVEN IF HE FIGURES OUT I SHIT IN HIS BED.
**Update: Shit, I wish I made a throwaway! I have purchased Egyptian cotton sheets (the nicest I could find) and I am delivering them tonight, as soon as he gets home from work. I have told him I am "stealing" the old sheets so I can wash them properly!!! He seems keen to see me and has commented on how much fun he had last night. I think I got away with it!
**Final Update: Thanks for making me feel better about my day! I TOTALLY GOT AWAY WITH IT! Dirty sheets are at my house soaking in stain remover, fresh sheets are on his bed, and WE SET ANOTHER DATE for next weekend!
PhatDaddy420: I wouldn't worry too much, shitty situations happen, and dudes will return if the chance of great "festivities" are still present.
Source, I'm a dude.
Chainmail_Danno: What I don't get is why she didn't just throw the sheets away. She said she was buying him new ones anyways.
[deleted]: You don't just throw out 800 count!
Doctor_Kitten: Do you really want to be with a guy who only uses 800 thread count? That's like sleeping on sand paper for fucks sake.1200 minimum.
Omnifarious: >To untangle this inconsistency, Consumer Reports hired an independent textile lab to count threads in a $280 queen sheet set with a manufacturer-stated thread count of 1,200. The lab counted 416 threads per inch, just 35 percent of what was claimed
http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/home/thread-count.htm
Doctor_Kitten: A study with one subject? It must be true for all sheet sets!
Omnifarious: >So how are counts such as 800 or 1,200, which some manufacturers claim, even possible? **How could you fit that many threads into a single inch? The short answer is you can't**. "Some manufacturers use creative math to boost thread count," explains Consumer Reports
Doctor_Kitten: Stop being jealous just because I can afford to sleep on a buttery cloud and you can't. You jelly bro?
BlindSpotGuy: Buttery cloud. Great words for good sheets. Nothing like good sheets, you gotta have them. It's like socks. Or peanut butter. Or coffee... or toilet paper. There are just certain things you shouldn't scrimp on if you can help it.
zayg: I don't give a shit how poor you are; there is no excuse for buying one ply toilet paper.
| 11 | 124.909091 | |
1351513377 | 1351527368 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | taparty: TIFU by getting drunk and washing my hair.
Well, about two nights ago.
I've been friends with the guy I like for about a year now. Every time we're at the same party I always end up drunker than he is and he always feels the need to take care of me. I hate it because he makes me feel so useless. This past weekend we went to a Halloween party together and I was going to spend the night at his house that night (again just as friends).
Everyone was drinking and of course I got more wasted than he did. The party was fine until I literally got soaked in beer. He and his housemates were really nice about and said we could all go home even though it was only 12:30. We all came back and the played guitar hero while I showered.
At first I was just going to rinse the beer out of my hair but one of his housemates (the one with the girlfriend, I assume) had Pantene. So I decide to shampoo. I can't keep the shampoo out of my eyes on the soberest of nights so this ends badly.
I start shouting and screaming and crying. He knocks on the door and opens it a crack and asks if I'm OK. I think I said "No! I'm not freaking OK!" I'm stomping my foot and shouting still. Were both drunk so I'm probably making it sound worse and he's probably assuming the worst.
The next thing happens in a blur. He runs over to the shower and yanks the curtain back. I can barely see him because of the shampoo. I'm doing this weird jig because I'm torn between protecting my modesty and trying to remove my eyeballs. The have now literally become painful to the touch.
He stands there for about 5 seconds before he closes the curtain and shouts an apology. I hear the door slam and then I slap myself for being so stupid.
I take my time rinsing and blow drying my hair and when I come out, my friend and one of his housemates have gone to the store to get some food. He comes back a little later and ask me if I want something to eat, but I'm pretending to sleep on his bedroom floor by now.
I wake up Sunday morning at about 8:30 and leave and text him thanks for letting me stay over. He text me back at about 11:30 but I haven't read it yet.
**Edit: Finally got the balls to read the text. It said, "You're Welcome." -_-'**
**TL;DR: got shampoo in mhy eye and screamed bloody murder, crush ran in to save me but only ended up seeing me naked.**
yafaca: well since you were both drunk everything should work out to be alright, it always does when awkward stuff happens to me when I'm drunk..When you check your text let us know what it says.
taparty: I can't even... I'm so shy about stuff like this.
yafaca: nobody here knows who you are. If you post it we can try to help you with the situation
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1351484420 | 1351617514 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | fish_kicker: TIFU and left a coffee up on top of my car... again!!
Just that. I sort of collect coffee mugs. Once again, I left a mug on the top of my car, full of piping hot, freshly brewed french vanilla. I realized it when I pulled out of my drive way and heard the tell-tale sound of ceramic tumbling down the back hatch, and crashing to the ground. That makes 3, mugs and 2 personalized reusable tumblers so far this year. I've probably lost ≈ $75. This makes me so sad.
mlee1012: Try getting into a routine of taking a sip of coffee before you start the engine, that way you'll feel like your missing something if you have left it on the roof again! It's sad that you've lost so many mugs, but it does give you the opportunity to find exciting new ones. And it could be worse, at least it's not your phone or your baby or something.
fish_kicker: i have lost two phones. It all this year, but since I've had this particular car, yes, two phones have been victim. :-( I think it's the car.
| 3 | 1 | |
1351520852 | 1351579403 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | Onideum: TIFU by sniffing chili powder.
I was cooking this morning and i used some red chili powder. i cupped some in my hand to dash around the wok and my dumbass curious self thought "hey, ive never known what chili powder smells like, why not find out now?" i take a big ol' whiff, halfway through i realize what ive done and i sneeze, wheeze, and cough uncontrollably, spilling stir fry all over my dress shirt in agonizing pain. i called into work today and im still stinging and cant sniff up my nose.
TL;DR i got curious of the scent of chili powder, three seconds later im on the ground with stir fry on my white shirt.
reheatedtinfoil: I did this once while making aloogobi. I leaned over the pan and suddenly severe pain. I went to a pharmacist friend and they pulled out preparation H and told me to put it on and in my nose. I did this and all was better almost instantly. No joke.
Intelensprotient: No idea what that is, but pouring milk, vodka or other other fluids with a high content of fat or alcohol down your nose would suffice.
OMGitsAzza: Well, Preparation H is an arse cream.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1351542141 | 1351549086 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | njs016: TIFU by possibly accidentally blinding my do in one eye
So last night I was playing with her and it was in the dark, she had a ball in her mouth so I reached out to grab it from her and accidentally poked her in the eye. I checked her eye and it seemed fine, however today it's looking much worse. Her eye is slightly rolled upwards and she is squinting quite a lot. I feel really bad now and am going to take her to the vets tomorrow.
EDIT: Wow I spelt dog wrong in the title...
[deleted]: 'dog'?
njs016: Fixed, sort of.
| 3 | 6 | |
1351543644 | 1351710024 | null | t5_2to41 | 127 | themech: TIFU by being a horny teenage boy
Okay so today i got home from class, and was studying when suddenly hormones hit me like Muhammad Ali. While going to my room to fap myself into Nirvana, i remembered i was out of lube. But that's not going to stop me right? DEAD RIGHT. So while looking in the medicine cabinet, i found some vicks vapo rub, and feeling it...i thought it felt about the same as Vaseline, so its gotta be fine for fapping, right? DEAD WRONG. At first, it was the best, most glorious feeling Ive ever had, better than KY, better than sex, better than eating pizza, playing video games, and fucking an attractive redditor all at once. but about ten seconds later i realized my heaven-like pleasure was become hellish exponentially. But, being a horny teenage boy, and wanting to finish, i kept on fapping, using this satanic lube. Finally i finished, and i honestly don't think anyone else i know would be stupid/stubborn enough to do this, but i did. End of fuck up right? I wish. So by now, my dick literally feels like Ive dipped it in lava, and i think i may have to amputate. But that cant happen. ever. my dick is my only redeeming quality. so i decide to try to wash off this evil with the first thing i grab. rubbing alcohol. this actually worked quite well....until it got on my balls....i cannot even begin to explain the pain this felt, when added to the previous mistake.
TL;DR I FUCKED UP MY DICK WITH VICKS AND ALCOHOL
if anyone is brave/studid enough, try this, and let me know how it was for you.
[deleted]: I'm glad I have a vagina.
BlissfullyAverage: Yeah, vaginas rock. Not only do we not necessarily need lube, we also don't have anything to clean up after.
Two points for the vagina havers.
ShadowBlade69: One word, three syllables, seven days. Period.
BlissfullyAverage: Are we going to work this like the upvote/downvote system? Thus leaving vaginas at one point?
p.s touché!
ShadowBlade69: I don't understand what you're asking, probably through no fault of your own, just me being dense.
BlissfullyAverage: Nope, it's just a bad joke. Lol
ShadowBlade69: Ohhhhhhh, I get it, I read "at one point" meaning "at some point(eventually)"
BlissfullyAverage: Haha oh good. I tend to make pretty lame jokes anyway.
| 9 | 14.111111 | |
1351564068 | 1351633220 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU(actually last week) and "fucked" many sheeps
So, I was bored in class with nothing to do, had lurked /b/ the night before and was (between classes)listening to Sheep(by Pink Floyd) so I figure that if I created a story about fucking sheeps it would be funny.
I started telling this story to nearby classmates and they laughed. This caught attention from more people from the class. They started listening and eventually everyone on my class heard the story. imokaywiththis.jpeg. Well, the thing is the teacher came into class and heard the story. Kinda bad but he's not a shitty teacher so he just let it pass. The problem is that the minute class ended people from my class started telling this shit to everyone in the 10th grade. Now basically 10th, 11th and 12th grade from our school know about this and most of 10th grade from another school know about this. Most teachers included. Luckily my mother wasn't called or anything. Now, I intentionally planned to tell only 2 to 4 people about this and let it go, but this fucking blew up. Now, to the story
"So, it was a beautiful morning in my father's farm and I kept staring at this sheep and she stared back at me and soon we started getting intimal. My hands rushed all over her and oh that vagina. It was wet and ready for me. So without delay I started pounding that bitch. It felt great."
"After fucking her for a while I thought "Hey, I'm not for only one, after all, caring is sharing" so I went to fuck other sheeps. Many of them. All wet and ready for my dick."
"And after a while(this part I sang like on Dogs but nobody got the reference and just stared at me weirdly, also because the story was not originally in english and around here we speak portuguese) I thought that fucking males would be cool to. So I went to fuck them but they kept cockblocking me so I decided "What if I tried getting pounded by them?" so I laid down on the ground and smeared all of my poop throughout my virgin asshole and my butt while waiting for them to come fuck me. They lined up and one after another they started fucking me. Oh, it felt great. At first it hurt a lot but after a while it was just pleasure. They were this (then I would point humongously large)large and this (again humongously thick)thick."
Yeah, basically that's the story I told. I fucked up and now everyone on school knows that.
TLDR - Browsed /b/ for one night, the following day I became a bisexual zoophile.
Samizdat_Press: To make up a story like that it sounds like you have some very deep seeded homosexual and/or zoophile type emotions you need to deal with. I don't think one just makes up such a graphic story and tells it to everyone unless they are secretly crying for help.
Just come out bro, it's all good.
msm008: Nah, I don't think I am homosexual/zoophile. But I do have a long theory about everyone being bisexual and even though I consider myself heterosexual there is a slight chance I will someday feel attracted to another male and so I just consider myself bi. But I definitely am not a zoophile, I just came up with it for the lulz.
Samizdat_Press: I can respect your view on things and all but do you honestly think that every person on earth is bisexual? I am pretty sure that is not how it works.
msm008: I think people have varying degrees of bisexuality. I consider myself 99.99% heterosexual but because of similar pheromones and such there is a chance I will be attracted to the same sex so that's it. But not necessarily will I ever feel attracted to the same sex.
VAGINA_PLUNGER: Do you watch WGT?
msm008: What is wgt?
VAGINA_PLUNGER: Just a youtuber. I thought you may have been influenced by some of his videos like [this one](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=ztn1QGznqW8#t=24s).
msm008: I saw the vid and the guy is pretty cool. By his classification I would be 5% gay. Finally a youtuber that actually does interesting videos.
| 9 | 1.111111 | |
1351589662 | 1351621101 | null | t5_2to41 | 670 | halloween_tifu: TIFU by preheating the oven.
My roommates and I are having a monster mash on Halloween. Lots of people will be coming. We all chipped in for candy. I think it was seventy bucks' worth at least but we no longer have the receipt (you'll soon find out why). My roommate Claire bought a shitload of awesome stuff: Reeses, Twix, Snickers, M&Ms, you name it. Pretty much every popular chocolate bar in funsize form.
Well just past midnight I got the munchies, and decided I'd heat up a Stouffer's lasagna. I prefer to bake mine. So I preheated the oven and went back to the living room to watch Firefly.
THen I smell something horrible like burnt plastic and the smoke alarm starts screeching. We all run into the kitchen which is filled with smoke. I open the oven...
Guess where Claire temporarily stored the candy but then forgot about it?
**update**: i feel this could have been avoided if i had checked the oven. so we both fucked up. i had never heard of people using ovens for storage. claire moved in just last month. shes from england. she says this oven-storage concept is a british thing.
the oven is ruined... idk what exactly is wrong but our landlord said theres no point in getting it repaired and will probably replace with a new one. he is very angry and rightfully so....
we're still having our party but asking people to bring snacks
MandatorilyMatutinal: What kind of idiot is your roommate to store something in the oven? Keep an eye on her, she's a future Darwin award.
in_hell_want_water: I disagree. I had a roommate who ALWAYS stored sweets in the oven because I NEVER used the oven or stove to cook. She started using it for storage when I moved in at the end of August, and I discovered her secret stash the following February.
theflying6969: what the fuck did you eat then?
ThereIsAThingForThat: I haven't had an oven in the last 2 years. I use pots and pans to make my food.
Autumnsprings: >because I NEVER used the oven **or stove** to cook.
ThereIsAThingForThat: I fail at reading.
Autumnsprings: nope, you probably just read too fast. :) I'm guessing he used a microwave or a toaster oven.
ThereIsAThingForThat: Or just ate out all the time :D
Autumnsprings: yep. this is always an option
| 10 | 67 | |
1351582580 | 1351630419 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU I insulted my gf.
So me and my GF were talking and I got REALLY personal about her life with her abusive Dad and dumbass me says" I guess he regrets you" now she's pissed and is not answering texts/calls. WHAT TO DO!!!!!! yes I am a dumbass.
VAGINA_PLUNGER: Sex always works
DumbassDoyle: Uhh, false. The last thing on her mind is sex...
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1351588573 | 1351992257 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | B7U12EYE: TIFU I made out with my roommates girlfriend. My roommate is female.
Yup. Apparently gay is a spectrum, is what she said
dunceinator: What the fuck is this...
B7U12EYE: Fuck you
dunceinator: No, what the fuck is this? This made no sense whatsoever, three other people agreed with this, and you got downvoted, so explain yourself, what the fuck is this?
Or, y'kno...just stop posting shit?
B7U12EYE: Fuck you
dunceinator: What a clever and well constructed retort, you must be really proud of yourself for repeating that one.
B7U12EYE: Fuck you.
Darthblaker7474: Fuck you.
B7U12EYE: No, you.
Darthblaker7474: No, you.
B7U12EYE: Fuck you.
Darthblaker7474: Fuck you.
B7U12EYE: You.
Darthblaker7474: You.
B7U12EYE: U
Darthblaker7474: U
B7U12EYE: .
Darthblaker7474: .
B7U12EYE: Sometimes, I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Darthblaker7474: Sometimes, I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
| 20 | 0.55 | |
1351618944 | 1351670815 | null | t5_2to41 | 341 | [deleted]: TIFU by offering an incredibly nice African American gentleman a ride home from work, forgetting that this past weekend a huge group of friends climbed into my car during a party, and someone wrote an incredibly racist word on the wind shield.
So, to be clear I am in no way racist. one of my friends is racist and wrote "nigger" on my windshield this weekend when everyone piled in my car and it steamed up. Well it wasn't steamed up until my friend got in the car this morning. He climbs in, we start driving and then BAM its really huge across the window and its too late. My hear sank and I froze.
He didn't say anything, and I'm not sure what to do. We met two days ago, when he began working at my place of employment. Please Reddit for the love of all that is holy, help me. What do I say tonight when I go into work? I feel like dying.
Also, I'm a woman, it was a guy. I don't know if that changes anything, making it worse or what but help me.
EDIT: ALRIGHT, let me explain further. They are not MY friends who piled in the car. They were a bunch of friends of my boyfriend, who I was just meeting for the first time because him and I started dating about a week ago. SO we piled in the car to smoke a bowl, commence the rude writings on my windows. I bitched him out about it and I'm not going back to their parties.
gurgaue: Tell what happened, and apologise. I never understand why these situations are so hard to people. Tell them what happened, they believe you or they don't. "Don't worry, be happy".
jeroenemans: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU
incredulitor: Can't believe you got downvoted. Have an un-downvote ♫
mxwjg: upvote*
junk_in_the: For that, you shall receive plenty of un-upvotes. And I may as well...
| 6 | 56.833333 | |
1351617599 | 1351634083 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU and mixed up the due date on two assignments after asking for and receiving extensions on two assignments in one week
The worst part is I promised my professor I would add them to my calendar, which I did, but I put it in as Tuesday instead of Monday. Now, since I asked for two extensions last week, which was a stretch, I'm really fucked if I ask for another two... Any words of comfort?...
TIFUpdate: I got an extension, with points deducted for being late. :)
MadDrMatt: Retaking a course is frustrating but not the end of the world.
/r/firstworldproblems
streetxmanifesto: That is not a first world problem, that is a serious problem and one that really sucks. Your car blowing up and you narrowly escaping the blast is not the end of the world either, but it still sucks hardcore. By your metric a first world problem is anything that is not in fact the end of the world.
MadDrMatt: Whoah! Strawman alert! That's alot of inference beyond your first sentence, dude.
Have you ever retaken a course? It costs some time and money, true. It sucks, true. Once you're two years out of college, no one will ever care or notice.
However, if OP can't finish two of their assignments a week after they're due, they probably don't have the time to fully apply themselves to that course right now. Try again next time and move on.
"Ever try? Ever fail? Try again. Fail again. Fail better!"
Source: Retook course in undergrad --> Berkeley Ph.D. and great job. It's not the end of the world!
streetxmanifesto: I am BLOWN away by your accomplishments, thank you for including that.
This subreddit isn't "today I ruined my life, please give me real-world advice so I may be as successful as you one day". It is "today I fucked up". And OP fucked up. You don't need to downplay what happened to them by saying it was a first world problem. If it is too late to drop the course they could risk getting an F in both of them, and if they are early on in their academic career this could really hurt their chances of getting a good internship. Just because they aren't battling the problems of a third world country doesn't make what they are saying trivial.
MadDrMatt: >Your car blowing up and you narrowly escaping the blast is not the end of the world either
Hyperbole!
>By your metric a first world problem is anything that is not in fact the end of the world
Hyperbole!
>I am BLOWN away by your accomplishments~~,~~**;** thank you for including that.
Hyperbole!
>This subreddit isn't "today I ruined my life, please give me real-world advice so I may be as successful as you one day".
Hyperbole!
>If it is too late to drop the course they could risk getting an F in both of them, and if they are early on in their academic career this could really hurt their chances of getting a good internship.
Not quite hyperbole, but taking the situation to it's extreme worst case.
>Just because they aren't battling the problems of a third world country doesn't make what they are saying trivial.
Back to hyperbole!
Could you tone it down a little?
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1351396562 | 1351636578 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | EpsilonShawn: TIFU by cutting close in front of an eighteen wheeler to get to my exit.
Those were the tightest two seconds in which I maneuvered across to get behind some other vehicle that was slowing down in the exit lane. Major adrenaline rush. Sorry to all the truckers out there who have to deal with drivers like me.
MadDrMatt: Wow! A genuine fuck-up! No frills, no advice-seeking, no camouflaged braggadocio, no rationalization.
What a refreshing addition to this sub!
EpsilonShawn: Not every fuck-up leaves a mess that requires further resolution. Putting another driver into an uncomfortable situation doesn't have a fix. Nor, for example, would brusqueness toward a service worker at some place you don't frequent.
Are you saying that I picked the incorrect sub? Because I do feel bad about causing other people on the road unnecessary stress. When I take pride in my driving, it's over correctly guessing when/whether the other guy will switch lanes, or over perfectly smooth acceleration.
I guess I can understand if total catastrophe is the only way to go.
MadDrMatt: Whoa, no! I was being completely honest! No sarcasm.
You had a clean and simple fuck-up, and you wanted to get it off your chest. I wish there were more post like yours in this sub!
EpsilonShawn: Oh, okay. Good. It's hard to tell sometimes. I'm not subscribed to TIFU so I haven't read enough posts to detect that trend. Sorry for reading you incorrectly!
| 5 | 1 | |
1351625811 | 1351655607 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | RMYinYang: TIFU by getting Brink
So this was back when Brink just came out.
My parents had been away in Arizona for the week and I was home alone in Texas. I had just recently gotten my driver's license and had some money that I wanted to use up. As it turns out one of my friends reminds me that Brink just came out that day.
I decide to take out my mo's car seeing as the mall is only a 5 minute drive away. On the way there, nothing at all goes wrong. I get the game, get in the car and leave.
Leaving the mall, the 2'lane road splits into a 3'lane road at the intersection. Traffic was a bit backed up but I figured that with the car being as small as it is, it wouldn't matter. When I end up stopping, I look back to see I literally had inches that I had squeezed through. As luck would have it.. No damage. I look over to see a cop staring at me. As I mentioned I only JUST got my license so as you could imagine I may get into a bit of trouble if I was pulled over. He turns right, I turn left. OK, another thing avoided. I come to the last intersection before my neighborhood and the traffic lights are out. Some guy waves to tell me to go ahead. I start going and then he decides to try and cross from the left side of me to the opposite end and cut me off. He starts screaming and honking his horn because who knows why. Still nothing.
I pull up to the driveway, and go to reverse the car in the garage. About 5 times of not feeling like I have it lined up, and I finally feel ok about this one. I have to hit the gas a little because there is a step up to get in the garage and I end up not lined up and I smash the mirror on the garage wall. I threw the car in gear and blasted out of there, tires screeching, and slam on the brakes.
Long story short, bought a game, took parent's car, had a few close calls, smashed mirror parking it. Told them it happened taking it out to wash it.
IamMowgli: The title is still the biggest fuck up here
RMYinYang: Not gonna lie.. It sounded really cool, looked decent, but when I played it I was just flat out disa-freaking-pointed
TheFreakingBatman: no, you're not understanding the point... tifu stands for **today** i fucked up
RMYinYang: Well... it was a tuesday.
| 5 | 1 | |
1351636613 | 1351810356 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU - I put a liter of windshield wiper fluid in my coolant reservoir
I own a new 2012 Ford Fiesta with 950 miles on it; I just bought the thing this past August.
It was around 40 degrees Fahrenheit out and I wanted to refill my windshield wiper fluid reservoir. Needless to say, I wanted to get this over with QUICK, as I was in my shorts and T-Shirt. So I pop the hood, find a turn-cap sealed reservoir with very little fluid inside and decide to start filling until it gets to two inches to the top. I think I put around a liter in there. I hop back in the car and try getting the new fluid through the lines. Nothing. "I guess the dealer put water in there and it froze over night. I'll wait until it thaws out tomorrow."
The next afternoon, after my car sat in nice 65 degree weather, I decide to try getting fluid through the lines again. Nothing.
So I decide to inspect the reservoir where I poured the fluid into. I pop the hood and see a flip-cap with an obvious windshield symbol on it. Fuck! I put a liter of windshield wiper fluid in my coolant!! DAMNIT!!
Edit: Degrees Fahrenheit
rcf787: Drain the coolant and washer fluid, flush the system and refill it.
IlluminousGlowCap: Thanks for the reply!
I got my car inspected by a mechanic earlier and he said that there was enough coolant to dilute the wiper fluid to where it didn't really pose a threat to my car. The reading that he got with his hydrometer was in the normal range. He also told me that my car takes some type of special coolant (probably unique to Fords) and they don't keep it on hand. So, if I wanted to pursue it more, I would have to take it to Ford because I don't order said coolant or flush the thing myself >.<
I'm just too lazy for that and I wouldn't know where to properly dispose of the coolant.
Again, thanks for your quick reply!
michaelwritescode: I'm not sure about "special coolant" unique to Ford but you can generally tell what kind of coolant it is based on the color and brand of coolant.
IlluminousGlowCap: The coolant that's in there is stock. I don't know what brand it is :[
I guess I could always check the owners manual.
The coolant is red in color but I don't know what type of qualities that reveals about it..
Daiephir: Red = spicy, duh! :P
Also, while your mechanic was probably right with the hydrometer reading, I'd still get a flush/refill done since the mixture in windshield washer is part methanol which is really bad/corrosive for the aluminium parts of your coolant system. While the concentration is low (else it would've shown up on the reading) I wouldn't take any chances with a brand new car.
IlluminousGlowCap: Lol
So red means the coolant is Spicey eh? I guess green means that it's sweet :D
I've tried green coolant before (on accident).
Holy crap!
I definitely don't want my radiator to corrode on the inside!
I just scheduled a flush through a Ford Dealership. It's gonna cost me 145 bucks, but it'll be worth it!
Thanks for the advice. It was a lot of help!
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1351636623 | 1351716949 | null | t5_2to41 | 132 | mustangsixer: TIFU by telling my girlfriend I love her...
... at a halloween party. I was shit faced and it just came out. I like her alot but I dont feel like im at the point to where I know thats how I feel. I cant just tell her that I only said it because I was drunk. That would break her heart.
mikeyfxt: Love is just a word, it can have different meanings to different people.
Some its lust, some its infatuation.
What is love? Its a word we use to make other people feel better.
Hopefully at some point in the future you will "feel" that you love this girl. For now just roll with it.
underpantsking: What is love? Baby don't hurt me.
theflying6969: Don't hurt me. no more.
Blue_Knight_Rules: Oh, I don't know why you're not there
iamchee: I give you my love, but you don't care
Then_Reality_Bites: So what is right and what is wrong?
yayapfool: Give me a sign....
MandersMcManderson: What is love? Baby don't hurt me
| 9 | 14.666667 | |
1351666933 | 1351878733 | t3_12czcg | t5_2to41 | 12 | FarFromXanadu: Clearly you've never met one. They are like the bundling giants of the dog world, so big and cuddly they accidentally know over a few breakable priceless antiques and sit on a few laptops in their innocent way. They're really the friendliest dogs!
qu1ckbeam: Bumbling giant? Bungling giant? The debate in my head is raging, please settle it.
FarFromXanadu: Well I meant bumbling giant but if autocorrect decided bundling giants were more appropriate in this situation... Well who am I to argue?
Pelagine: My 8 month old Newf is definitely a "bundling" giant - one of her favorite things is crawling on the couch to sit in my lap. Her other favorite thing is to swim in any water available - the colder, the better. These are not the most compatible "favorite things" in the world!
| 4 | 3 | |
1351642099 | 1351826551 | null | t5_2to41 | 216 | [deleted]: TIFU Taking a piss in the dark.
Alright, after holding in my piss for a very long time while procrastinating here on TIFU I decided that it was not a good idea to be reading humorous stories with a full bladder. After finishing up the fuck up i was currently reading I decided it was a good time to take a toilet break.
I hurriedly sneaked across the landing attempting not to wake the family, got into the bathroom and attempted to feel around for the pull switch we have for the bathroom lights. As I pull the switch, clutching my bowels attempting to hold the piss back the light blows, tripping the whole house lights.
I was devoured by complete darkness, not having the time to flip the circuit breakers (or even knowledge of where the circuit box was) I proceeded to take a piss in complete darkness. Not realizing that the toilet seat and lid was down it splashed back at me and all over the floor. By the time I had managed to reach down to lift up the lids the whole toilet and half of the floor was covered in piss.
Still attempting not to wake the parents I took off my piss covered socks and attempted to search the house in hope of finding the circuit box and turning at least the landing light on so I could see what I was doing when I went back to clean up. Failing in my search I re-entered the bathroom, forgetting that I was bare foot, slipping in the piss and waking the whole family.
Tl;Dr I pissed all over the toilet and floor because I tripped the electric slipped in the piss and woke the whole family.
Edit: My family was rather angry about waking them but i just told them I stumbled but that was about the end of it. They all went back to bed and that was the end of it. Or so I thought... At about 5am I was woken by my mum (yes I'm British) screaming at me at the top of her lungs attempting to wake me, I'm a heavy sleeper and can sleep through almost anything. Apparently when I left the electric off the alarm was left to run on the battery which only lasted a few more hours, woke my whole family minus me. The alarm can not be turned off until an electrician comes around to fix it. My punishment you ask? Staying in the house until the electrician arrives. FML
CaptainVulva: You couldn't piss sitting down just this one time?
kangarooseatbelt: The day I realized that if i just sat down I wouldn't have to blow my eyes out and wake myself up with light was the day I always got back to sleep after having to pee in the middle of the night.
Apathetic_Superhero: The last thing I want when I've been forced from slumber to empty my bladder is a face full of light. I embrace being able to sit down, relax and let the good times roll. I may even close my eyes for the duration and blissfully enjoy the sensation.
The only thing I might be tempted to do, or not do in this case, is avoid the flushing. I don't want to wake anyone and I'm the only user for my bathroom so I don't mind giving it a flush, or refilling the toilet first thing in the morning.
DeathHaze420: God I love my sleep habbits. A "face full of light" doesn't bother me or wake me up in the middle of the night, and I can fall right back to sleep after successfully pissing into the toilet with the lights on.
wonderpickle2147: So if a "face full of light" wouldn't bother you, but you didn't want to flush, like Apathetic_Superhero, would peeing in the sink be okay/feasible? Assuming you're a man.
DeathHaze420: The way I see it. Fuck em. I'll be asleep again in three minutes anyways
| 7 | 30.857143 | |
1351668560 | 1356153366 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | adeason: Tifu by not paying my water bill, long shory stort, my shower has been on for 9 hours...
Turned the shower on. Realized the water had been cut off due to roommates lack of knowledge on the cut-off date. RAGED, being able to not shower before work SUCKKKKS. Went to work, got a message from roommate stating the water would be on shortly. Came home to a steaming HOT bathroom...It had been on for round about 9 hours.
Darthblaker7474: Use it to your advantage. Put screen-protectors on your gadgets.
adeason: Lolwut?
Darthblaker7474: This means dust doesn't get trapped under the screen.
adeason: Lol wrong thread bro
zhongfu: Not wrong thread, steam just makes dust stick to it and go away
adeason: What are you talking about? This is under my post on my shower head. Has nothing to do with that. Yes wrong thread.
zhongfu: Sorry, but I don't see how it has nothing to do with it.. :/
steaming hot bathroom -> perfect opportunity to put screen protectors because [there will be less dust after the steam subsides](http://www.wikihow.com/Apply-a-Screen-Protector)
adeason: Because the post had nothing with a phone it has to do with I had my shower on for nine hours while I was at work. Read the title. No phone
zhongfu: It does have to do with it, you left it on for nine hours and it was hot and steamy, and therefore you could take advantage of the steam and the lower level of dust to apply screen protectors so that you won't have dust bubbles under the screen protector. It was the steam part. :)
adeason: I don't have a phone. This is all irrelevant and in my thread I started about a large water bill.
zhongfu: Would be relevant if you did have a phone :D but i understand, sorry for wasting your time
adeason: Thank you for understanding. I didn't know what was going on.
| 13 | 3.153846 | |
1351677258 | 1351681244 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU and may have ruined my future by submitting an assignment a day late
Basically I am an idiot, I have a terrible work ethic and loath essays.
After two years of trying different Univeristy courses, I decided I wanted to study science. As I did not have the prerequisites for the course, I was forced to go through a year at TAFE (Victoria, Australia equivalent of Community College) before enrolling.
I make it through the year scoring very high, I'm top of most of my classes, with a perfect grading in Maths and Physics. Second last assignment I need to hand in is a 2000 word essay on genetic engineering. Being a complete moron I don't do the essay *for one and a half months after the due date*. I decide I need to finish it and lock myself in my room all day. I get it done, I'm very relieved, but I find an email from Friday that I had missed from my teacher. Apparently the assignment must be due *before* Wednesday the 31st of October or else it could not be marked and would receive an IP (insufficient participation). Being a core unit, this assignment was mandatory for passing the course.
So here I am, shitting myself hoping that it will be accepted after sending a pleading email describing my apparent clusterfuckup and what could be done.
The sad thing is I have handed everything else in on time and have been a very good student... beside this.
Argh shitshitshitshitshitshitshit.......
**UPDATE:** The teacher accepted it. All is well!
mrwongme: If it's true what you say and you've been a good student, your records will definitely show it and whoever you emailed will probably see that as well. Hopefully they understand the situation. I was in a similar situation in one of my college courses. Generally did well on all my exams and ended up sleeping through my final from studying late the previous evening. I called my professor and she knew I did good work and didn't want to see me fail the course because of this despite a full semester of good marks. She let me take the final exam the next day at a cost of -10%. I managed to pass the course with a B. In any case, OP, good luck and update us!
poisondwarf: I hope so. The only issue I can see is that since the results are entered into a government system, the institute themselves have a deadline for mark submissions. If that's the case, there's nothing that can be done and I will have to redo the whole course. I have never failed anything in my life, so this will destroy me. All because of one bloody essay...
I will keep it updated.
| 3 | 5 | |
1351659368 | 1351688376 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | roxtaratx: TIFU: Just A Normal Night At Pluckers Right?
Me: decent looking guy flirting somewhat successfully.
Waitress: Smoking hot with amazing eyes
I had already said some pretty off the wall things: I came with a guy friend and we had been waiting on another (f)riend. the waitress made a coment like "i started to wonder if she actually existed or if you were just embarrassed about being with another dude."
(f)riend "Nope, I exist"
waitress: "well they did come at the same time"
Me: "Well.... Sometimes" Laughter ensues, things are going well.
She comes back with the check, "Thanks Roxtaratx, have a great night." I didn't hear my name correctly.
"What did you call me?"
"Roxtaratx, that's your name right? unless that's your dad's card."
"That couldn't be, my dad is dead."
Waitress laughing "Oh my gosh! my MOM is dead!"
blank stare
"Your dad's not dead is he?"
"um... no"
My friends are now failing terribly at hiding their ridiculously embarrassing laughter.
"Oh.... Well my mom IS dead"
she leaves the table, I leave a double sized tip.
writermonk: Not a fuck up. An opportunity. Go back tonight, see if she's there. Apologize for being a twit and ask if you can take her out to dinner somewhere else to make up for it.
roxtaratx: I went back in and gave her a business card telling her to let me make up for it. She is new to the city, so maybe she will take me up on it.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1351685192 | 1352267818 | null | t5_2to41 | 966 | MySonStinks: TIFU and accidentally wounded my son's face
So my kid and I are roughhousing before he goes to bed. It's a hoot! Quality time for everyone. Happy memories all around. Until, in a moment of frantic, ticklish thrashing, he slams his face into the edge of the TV stand. It ripped his forehead open, and of course head wounds bleed like crazy so he was *incredibly* freaked out even though it wasn't that bad of a cut, all things considered.
So instead of sending my cheerful son to bed I had to help him wash tears and blood off his face because I was too dumb to notice how close to the furniture we were. Now I'm at my overnight shift, sitting at my desk, feeling like a huge asshole and hoping he can wear his Halloween mask tonight without it hurting the big gash on his face.
juhesihcaaa: If it makes you feel any better, I opened a door and it hit one of my kids in the face this morning. She cried for a really long time. I felt like shit.
MySonStinks: Why would that make me feel better? Now we're *both* horrible.
juhesihcaaa: Solidarity?
MySonStinks: I'd offer a high five, but one of us would accidentally slap a kid in the process
seekfear: Your instructions weren't clear enough, i got my dick stuck in the fan.
speaknott: I thought I was the only one.
seekfear: There is only one fan.
k1ngmad: and one dick.....
frizlvr: In a box
Walican132: Schrödinger's Dick
[deleted]: One pillow.
| 12 | 80.5 | |
1351735683 | 1351922236 | t3_12eejl | t5_2to41 | 40 | THEDumbasscus: Nooooope (No-p) versus Nopeeee (No-pee) I'd take the first one...
trouphaz: Why? You want pee?
THEDumbasscus: Yes.
EXCITED_BY_DOWNVOTES: THEN GO PEE, YOU CUNT
THEDumbasscus: Ahhh, that feels better.
EXCITED_BY_DOWNVOTES: GOOD, NOW DO YOU PREFER NOPEEE YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD
THEDumbasscus: NO, NO I DON'T.
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1351691579 | 1352309664 | null | t5_2to41 | 51 | psqhcf: TIFUpdate: Slept with a co-worker on the way to her welcome party. Now she thinks she's my girlfriend.
Original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11aysf/tifulast_night_actuallyand_slept_with_a/
A _lot_ of people replied that this didn't sound like a fuck-up at all.
A lot of other people said somebody will figure out who we are, but it's a big world and I'm tweaking what I hope are enough details and timelines to obfuscate enough. But the story's out at work anyway.
Maybe in the end it remains to be seen whether it's a complete fuck-up or not, but what **is** a fuck-up is that overnight I gained a "girlfriend" who knows where I am, when I'm free for lunch, how late I'm working, and when I'm going home.
And she is always waiting.
Having moved here only after getting this job, she has only been in this city for a few months and knows _nobody_. No friends, no family, no support network--except work. And who better to lean on at work than the tall, handsome, debonair, suave, sexy, and intelligent man (me, if you didn't guess) who is the first man she's slept with in the year since her divorce that I heard about first last week.
I was worried about appearances and uncomfortableness at work, but what didn't occur to me was the thought that she might be so lonely and needy as to glom onto me so completely that I wouldn't have any free time to myself. We've met up nearly every evening after work and I've seen her every weekend since the day.
Sometimes it's just a casual non-date with others like "come for lunch with the group", or "some of us are going for a drink after work--you in?" Still other times it's a plan to do something together like "let's go see 'Lincoln' movie" or "let's go to this club's Halloween party." But at other times, it's an assumption like a quick email saying "let me know when you're done," or "I'll wait for you at the coffeeshop in the lobby." In the extreme, it has even been intrusive, like coming to sit at an open desk near me at the end of the day to wait for me to finish work so we can leave together.
With all of this attention, I haven't had much time to myself in weeks. The only reason she's not over tonight is that I had a late meeting but her group went out for Halloween drinks together. And even then, she texted me a while ago inviting me to come along. I demurred saying that I was too tired even though really I'm kind of wired and might hit my local for a drink before bed.
It probably goes without saying that everybody in the office knows we're an item.
Nobody has said anything to me about it other than a few guys making "good job hitting that" comments, that sort of thing, but who knows how tongues might be wagging outside our presence. One guy did the whole "wink, wink, nudge, nudge, I bet you've been sleeping with her from the start" insinuation, but I shut that down with a flat "no, not until after the party," and he seemed to accept it.
Of course, "'after' the party", I said. I can only imagine what people would be saying if they realized that the two of us showed up to the party immediately after fucking each other. [Editor's note: for those detectives at work who think they know who we are, yeah, we came to the party sweaty and sexed up. Get over it.]
She's very kind and thoughtful, she's cute or beautiful depending on her mood, she's intelligent and interesting, but she's also becoming dependent, intrusive, and clingy. It's almost stifling.
Worse, being single, there are other women I've been seeing. And I had a few dates already set up, including one with a women who was coming straight over to my apartment to cook together and watch a DVD (very domestic, don't you think?). And some of these are women I've known a long time and know better and am already comfortable being with.
_Edit:_ I'm not trying to be a player but already had plans and am really, really used to being single. Getting into an exclusive relationship is not something I was looking for or expecting. But I'm rapidly being forced in that direction, because the last thing I want to do is hurt anybody--new or old.
So yeah... not yet knowing if I want to have a serious relationship with her, I'm in a serious relationship with her.
And if it doesn't go well, it will not go well very, very publicly.
**TL;DR: She's great, but she's _always_ around. And it's moving very fast for me.**
Edit: Oh, and to those of you who might wonder if she might be the detective to figure out this is me talking about her, there's nothing here I haven't told her already to some degree, and with English being a foreign language she's more of a http://hamusoku.com/ denizen than a redditor anyway.
cyaneyed: I don't know how you can worry about someone making you a boyfriend without your consent. Sit down and have the conversation of, "I consider myself single, I think you're nice, but **I don't want a girlfriend** and don't want to spend every minute with you." As long as she knows that you're not wasting her time and she'll be free to go find someone who loves and respects her and wants to be her boyfriend, problem solved.
psqhcf: Wow, I had almost this exact conversation with her last night, with the exception of adding in a "but I enjoy seeing you and would like to see where this can go, but slow enough that we can get to know each other more deeply."
cyaneyed: yeah, I'm not sure that's a very clear description of what you want considering you were saying earlier that you were enjoying dating other ladies. This girl needs to know she's not your one and only. Don't bullshit her. Tell her you have multiple sex partners and see if she's ok with that.
psqhcf: Ah, the "other ladies" thing is not so much that I want to be dating a lot of people!
Rather, I have these semi-established relationships already, and don't want to drop something good I might have with somebody else unless there might be something more to the relationship she and I are building.
She knows I've been seeing other people, though I didn't say "sex" directly and she didn't ask.
cyaneyed: It's important for the health of your sexual partner for them to know that you're putting them at risk of getting an STD (by having multiple partners) before they have sex with you.
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1351696071 | 1351705012 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | prussianiron: TIFU by breaking a TV and an Xbox
This actually happened a couple months ago, but I was just reminded of it.
Me and my dad like to wrestle around frequently, and we tend to get a bit rough (He's a 19-year Marine and I'm a hopeful Marine) and pretty into it. Well this particular time I decided to attack him while in my little brothers' room, despite the limited room in there.
Well after a few minutes we ended up next to the dresser with their 28-inch TV and the white Xbox 360 on it, both at about 6 feet from the ground.
We didn't really notice and continued to wrestle, when we suddenly hit the dresser and the TV and xbox both fell off and hit the ground. The TV was busted, huge cracks all along the screen on the inside, and the Xbox landed and somehow the disc tray ended up across the room.
To make it worse, my 7 and 5-year old brothers came in and saw their broken stuff and started bawling while me and my dad just kinda laughed at the situation. Mom didn't find us so funny.
**TL;DR**: Wrestling with dad, knocked TV and Xbox off 6-foot dresser, little brothers hated us for a couple days.
ashent: ... America!
prussianiron: [Fuck yeah.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWS-FoXbjVI)
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1351703479 | 1351770130 | null | t5_2to41 | 513 | [deleted]: TIFU by superglue-ing my hand to my jingle jangles at work. And got a ticket.
At my work place if a plastic piece breaks or a screw is stripped on a computer we're fixing, (computer repair) which does happen from time to time thanks to people bringing in these ancient laptops, we use super glue.
I was working with some today and the stuff is super clear and if it's spread out thin enough nearly impossible to notice. And I unknowingly got a lot on my hand.
I went to the bathroom for some much needed relief, and I was stuck. To paint a picture, my whole palm was stuck to my junk. Balls and noodle. I zipped up with my hand down my pants, told the boss, and after about 5 minutes of straight laughing he let me go home.
On my way home, (about a 45 min route) since I have only one hand and it's not my main hand, I swerve a little bit every now and then. A cop decides to pull me over for that.
He walks over and he asks me: "Sir, please take your hand off your crotch and show me your ID." I explain what happened and he breaks out laughing. But I still get a ticket. Only 20 bucks though, (which I question if he can even write out for that low a amount) "for being a good sport." I also got escorted home.
So here I am now, sitting in my bathtub full of warm water and soap, typing on my phone. So reddit, how has your day been? Mine has been balls so far today.
Tl;dr: superglued my hand to my crotch, got a ticket, and I'm sitting in a soapy bubble bath waiting for my hand to be freed.
NAMASTE_BITCHES: Who uses superglue without having a bottle of nail polish remover around?
aft3rm4th: Nail polish remover on your genitals is a horrible fucking idea man
NAMASTE_BITCHES: Oh. Right. Heh. I'm a female, so there's my excuse.
aft3rm4th: I still wouldn't recommend it to the females either
TommyPot: I got squeamish just thinking about that... either on male or female bits and pieces *YOWCH!*
xiPlayWithCrayons: I think it would hurt more on female parts. I mean, with the flaps around the opening, the remover would get *trapped*...
My vagina just cringed thinking about that...
TommyPot: I might have just shrieked thinking about your vagina cringing... this whole thread is hilariously uncomfortable
SycoJack: Now I am picturing xiPlayWithCrayons' vagina cringing and your penis shrieking like [this](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/f4/The_Scream.jpg/220px-The_Scream.jpg).
TommyPot: there's a risky click
| 10 | 51.3 | |
1351715001 | 1351768794 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU while walking out to check my mailbox. I waved to my neighbor who then accidentally backed into his wife's new SUV. Now they are arguing and it looks like their 3 kids aren't going to trick or treat.
who8877: Seem more like it was his fuck up.
GiJoeyVA: Yeah, but I feel bad for distracting him while backing up. I just let my dogs out in the yard and his kids are crying in their yard...
who8877: Are you in some rural area where you need the car to trick or treat? If not they are being ridiculous, and you can't blame yourself for that.
n-noooooooooooope: Maybe their neighborhood just blows for candy, ours does. Almost no one puts out decorations and you have to walk a whole block for 2 or 3 houses. Last year we only got three kids and I was giving out candy by the pound to get rid of it.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1351723095 | 1351809375 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,391 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a dump on my friends face
Here's a little bit of back story.
Last week my friend pranked me. He took as much fish as he could buy , and put it in my car. I got out of school and went to my car, only to find that my car smelled so bad I could barely drive it home. Needless to say I wasn't very happy. I decided that I was going to get revenge, and I was going to make it big.
So today was Halloween, and still being in High School we didn't really have to do much. Me and a different friend talked our Athletics teacher into letting us make a giant slip-n-slide outside on one of the fields (I live in Texas and it was about 75 degrees Fahrenheit today). Our plan was to get my friend to slide on said slip-n-slide, and slide right into my ass, where in turn I would release a disgusting chili night fart directly into his face. Maybe he would regret making me smell dead fish now, right?
So cue to Athletics, we're all having so much fun outside. Our athletic shorts are perfect for sliding with insane speeds! Well, the time comes. I prepare myself... I have been holding in this gaseous death cloud all day. I stand in front of the end of the slide, waiting for him to go. I had told our friend to dare him to go face first all the way down! He did. He runs full force and dives onto the slip-n-slide going faster than any of us had previously gone. He suddenly sees my rear end bare and waiting for him.
He can see his life flashing before his eyes, he's terrified. He runs right into my ass, and I prepare to release the death cloud. That's when it happened. The gas cloud mixes with diarrhea from the night before, and it shoots right into his face. He stands up, trying to figure out what just happened. I turn around terrified and he's just standing there, his face covered in shit. Everybody dies laughing. My friend freaks out and runs into the showers, I'm embarrassed that I just shit on my friends face. My teacher yells at me, I get after school detention and he get's a face full of shit.
He isn't very happy with me, but I can tell he thinks it's hilarious. Well, I guess I got him back good.
Tl:DR In order to get revenge on friend, I shit on his face.
Brushstroke: You know how I know you're gay?
SebastianMIchaeliz: You'd be amazed what best friends will do to each other.
tokingnz: Not once have me or any of my best friends wanted to shit/fart on each others faces.
myrd: never been in the military have you? lol
tokingnz: Nope. And now I don't plan to be.
NBThunderbolt: Being shot at? No problem.
Terrible work environment? No problem.
Guy farting on your face? Oh god no!!!
[deleted]: It all depends on what your job in the military is. My 4 years was, collectively, the best work environment I've ever had. Getting shit on would've probably changed that though. I say probably because the physical therapy clinic I recently quit was just that bad.
Edit: I was an electrician in the Army. No *real* grunt-work and posh field accommodations when I did have to go out on exercises.
Doofe_N7: Yeah I don't plan on being a grunt for longer than one enlistment just because of how much shit there is to put up with. I'm currently looking into two Air Force jobs for after I do 4 years as a Marine infantryman (just because I want to experience it for personal fulfillment): Still Photography Specialist, and Space Systems Operations. Both sound pretty chill and are both related to things I really like (taking pictures and writing stuff about them, and anything in and around space).
[deleted]: "I don't ever plan on being a grunt" followed by "after I do four years as a Marine infantryman"...
Does not compute. I know you threw in "At least not for a full career" bu that doesn't untype "I don't ever plan on being a grunt". Why would you use that phrase if you do plan on being a grunt?
Doofe_N7: Should've edited it.
[deleted]: Makes sense now.
| 12 | 115.916667 | |
1351728160 | 1351766330 | null | t5_2to41 | 227 | omgwhymewhy: TIFU and showed a photo of my nether regions to everyone behind me in lecture hall.
Last night my friend told me that some vaginas are abnormal. I've never thought about this before and naturally sought to discover whether or not my vagina looks the 'right way'. My next step was to take a photobooth photo down under and compare it to pictures I found online. Unfortunately I forgot to close photobooth before putting my computer to sleep and consequently, this morning I opened the laptop and flashed a massive photo of my vaj to all the students behind/beside me in the lecture hall. I tried to close it quickly and discreetly but the damage was done and frankly I'm too embarrassed to ever ask if people saw it.
**TL;DR: Photobooth+Vagina+Forgetfulness=Bad News **
whynotzoidbergsdog: Pics or it didnt happen..lol
VAGINA_PLUNGER: I second this...
RobinHoodRat: +1 for relevant username. Surely OP will deliver. The pictures are for science. And reddit WILL be sure and tell you if its ABNORMAL.
omgwhymewhy: After that traumatizing experience I deleted the photos and will never have photographic evidence of my vagina ever again... looking behind me at the meek first-year asian girl and not knowing whether she has seen my vajayjay -- indescribably awful
CaptainVulva: Ok, well... could you turn around and take a picture of her, and post it here, and we can try to guess from her expression how she feels about having seen your petunia?
| 6 | 37.833333 | |
1351728364 | 1351735570 | null | t5_2to41 | 60 | ElseCompel: TIFU by puking explosively in what I thought was an empty bathroom
Today I had two slices of pizza for lunch and they didn't really agree with me. I slathered them both in the bottle of Tapatio that I keep on my desk (nary a bite of food passes my lips without being doused in that shit). Feeling satisfied, I went back to work as usual. I felt a little bit of heartburn, which is the natural consequence of covering everything I eat in Tap, so I paid it no mind.
In time the heartburn evolved into esophagus-searing acid reflux accompanied by nausea. The nausea combined with the heartburn was extremely uncomfortable and eventually I decided that maybe I would feel better if I expelled the offending foodstuffs from my digestive tract.
When I need to take a shit I usually use the ladies' room on the floor below my office, as it's usually less crowded. I figured this was the best bet for vomiting, as well. I trekked on down there and sure enough, it was empty.
I was relieved because the nausea was reaching a tipping point and the pizza chunks were going to have to come out. I blasted the whole bowl with probably six or seven good heaves of pepper-flavored puke. My throat and tongue were on fire from the regurgitated hot sauce, but finally I finished and I felt a lot better. The whole process probably took ten minutes and I didn't hold back at all--I was coughing and gagging and just generally making horrifying noises, but I was alone.
As I was washing my hands I scooped a little hot water into my mouth, threw my head back and gargled. Loudly.
After I was done, I looked in the mirror and said, "girl, you nasty," to my reflection while gesturing at my own face with my pinky finger. I am not kidding. I did this. I thought I was alone and I was kinda grossed out by myself.
I heard a delicate little cough. It was then that I remembered that my manager, who is currently breastfeeding her baby, leaves her desk approximately every 30 minutes to pump and store her breastmilk. The bathroom where I shit and puke is the only one in the building with a lactation room. There is a door but there's a space under it, which means that everything I had done was clearly audible.
I hightailed it out of there and went back to my desk. My boss's chair was empty.
When she re-entered the office, she made eye contact with me and quickly glanced away, and didn't say a word to me for the rest of the day.
[deleted]: Oh the awkwardness it will cause you in the future!
ElseCompel: Remains to be seen.
[deleted]: Do tell when you find out
| 4 | 15 | |
1351734567 | 1351943255 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | [deleted]: TIFU By Not Locking My Door
Good Evening Reddit, How Are You Today? I'm Doing Horrible.
A Little bit of a backstory i've got a very strict upbringing and my parents never talk to me about sex or anything like that.
So earlier today my great 16 year old logic thought it would be a perfect time to fap, even though everyone in my house was home and active.
So i started fapping, Little did i know my door was unlocked.
As i was about to finish both my parents walked in and witnessed me ejaculating all over myself while looking them both straight in the eye.
they said nothing and walked out, i'm still in my room now.
TL;DR fapping, parents walk in when i'm just about to finish, watching me jizz everywhere.
Reddit, Today I Truly Fucked Up.
VAGINA_PLUNGER: I feel like the only one who hasn't been seen fapping...
Daiephir: Nah, never got caught too *high five*
ChuckYeah: I've never been caught before either but I'm not touching your hands.
Daiephir: But, how can we make a show of celebration if you're not gonna touch my hand? We can't really fist bump either. :/
ChuckYeah: Low kick? Like high five but with your foot. *Holds out leg foot dangling*
Daiephir: I like this alternate method of celebration. *Low Kick*
ChuckYeah: Agreed. *Low kick*
| 8 | 11.125 | |
1351724480 | 1351742108 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost setting my parent's house on fire.
I was making some left overs... there was some chips and queso in the refrigerator. Since the chips get soggy and gross in the fridge, I thought I'd just put them in the oven for a few minutes.
I set that badboy to broil - Hi - of course. I sat down to play the piano for a minute and got a little carried away. I went to check on the chips and they were on fire.
I screamed out "help!" and my dad and mom ran into the kitchen. We were going to use the extinguisher, but that didn't seem like a good fix, since it would ruin the oven, or at least cause a mess. My dad threw a towel on it, and that lit on fire, but actually put it out a bit. He then grabbed on oven mitt and ran it out of the house.
Holy shit, that got my heart pumping.
[deleted]: Punishment?
[deleted]: well it was an accident, and i'm 24 and in grad school... so no, no punishment at this point in my life lol.
[deleted]: Well that's awesome. Lol
| 4 | 4 | |
1351733434 | 1351788964 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU and broke my neighbor's side-window on his car.
Today while preparing to give out candy to all the local trick-or-treaters, I spy a cat just strolling along down the street. Nothing out of the ordinary right? Well I continue what I'm doing and about a minute goes by when i start to hear the cat hissing real loudly. At what, I haven't a clue. The hissing goes on for 15 minutes until finally it attracts the attention of several local cats from the neighborhood. At first it look like they are just curious and intrigued to see one another but in a matter of seconds all of them are fighting. Five cat free-for-all ensues, and I'm just laughing about it. Well when the cat fight goes on for half an hour, it gets annoying. So, i decide to scare them off. I'm an avid airsoft player, so i grab one of my daniel defense m4's and walk outside to give them a scare and send them on their way or to continue elsewhere. Right as i let off a couple of 3-round bursts at them, the wind decides to pick up drastically and send all of them straight into my next-door neighbors VW Jetta. *thap thap thap CRRRRACK smash!* And I'm left standing there, mouth wide open, unable to move or comprehend what just happened. Obviously, I run inside, put my gun in its case, and walk outside just to see my neighbor (who happens to be a boss of a man. I'm talking 250lb, ripped everywhere, yaddah yaddah. BIG DUDE) looking at his car with the most confused face ever. I walk over, strike conversation and for the next 10 minutes discuss with him about the 'punks' all over our town who might have done this. Never told the guy. He'd probably murder me if he found out i did. Close Call! Still scared he might found out though.. >.<
TL;DR: Shot at stray cats with a high-powered airsoft gun(which is a no-no for a redditor i know i know), wind blew the bb's into my neighbors side window of his Jetta and broke it. Haven't told him. Won't be telling him!
EDIT: To anyone who wants to bash me on being a coward, pussy, wimp, etc. And call me a idiot for shooting at them in the first place. I'll have you know that I fessed up not an hour after this original post was made, got estimates for repair on his window, offered some of my neighborhood services to him for free (winter services such as shoveling snow and providing firewood for those with wood furnaces, which he has one) and as of 3:45pm this afternoon, had his window repaired, paid for, and returned to him in his driveway. It was an unfortunate incident in which I messed up and paid the price for. Damn it people, this subreddit is called 'Today I Fucked Up' for a reason. It's the idiots in all of us that happen to rear their ugly heads out rarely.
undercoverrocker: You broke your neighbor's car window. You need to man up and take responsibility for your actions. Go apologize to him and pay to have his window replaced. Why should he have to pay for your stupidity?
[deleted]: Yea, my stupidity blew the bb's into the man car. Oh yes. It was an accident, calm down. The adrenaline was pumping when it happened so i wasn't thinking about the right thing to do, simply to not be caught. Reasoning gave way, and i ended up giving into guilt and telling him and getting estimates for him on repairing his window with the expectation on paying for it. Now if you don't mind, take your 'be a man' advice and shove it where the sun doesn't fucking shine.
undercoverrocker: No your stupidity made you think it was a good idea to shoot at the cats in the first place without thinking of any possible consequences. You need to grow up and put away your childish toys like bb guns. You're just pathetic.
[deleted]: Actually, were you present inside my head when I DID think of the consequences? No, you were not. Because, I did think of over it. At the time it seemed to be alright with hardly any possibility of producing a negative outcome other than scaring away cats. The scenario that played has was unfortunate and as I stated, I owned up to my mistake. I payed for it, and even offered my services I provide in the winter (snow shoveling, providing wood to people with wood stoves) to him for free as part of my apology. He was quite thankful and appreciated my honesty. When I wrote this post I was still scared but my rational mind tool control and I came to my senses. Childish BB guns? They are part of a sport my good sir, one I enjoy and am proud to participate in. Grown men and women around the US are involved in military-simulation Airsoft operations , so it's no where near childish. To you maybe it is, to me it's a recreational activity. Thank you
[deleted]: *took.
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1351736880 | 1351922059 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | THEDumbasscus: TIFU by jumping the gun
OK, so, I'm a high school freshman (5'7'', well built) who came from being pretty shy because of horrendous background I'm not going into right now. At this new school, I had a lot more confidence in myself. Let's just say, at this school, there aren't cliques, you grow together as a family. Having confidence in myself thinking I had made an adequate impression on a girl I had liked, I asked her out. She didn't give me no, she didn't give me yes. She said, and I quote, "I want to get to know any guy before I get serious, I don't want to get hurt again." The word again is what gives me hope. Up until that point, I had thought I was shot down. But again made me think that she's been hurt before and she wants to go slower this time around. I accept that and we start texting. I think it's going really well.
Fast forward to this past Monday. I think I've actually got a girlfriend and I start asking again, "Do you want to go out with me?" She said she hasn't gotten to know me well enough, so I concede. Yesterday, my best friend (Who is friends with ALL the people.) tells me that she isn't really that into me. Here I am, looking stupid, counting my chickens before they hatch and she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. My aggression may have cost me any shot with her because looking back, I do jump the gun a lot here....
**TL;DR: Asked a girl out, got no definitive answer. Misread what she meant, may have scared her off.**
MC43: I wouldn't say that. I'm sure where your friend is getting his information, and he may be right, but instead of thinking down on yourself and admitting defeat, ease back a bit.
Space makes all the difference with things like this. If you two are still on speaking terms, keep it there for a while. Just talk, talk as much as you can. Share stories, ask questions (not "will you go out?") and engage.
Time and patience my friend.
THEDumbasscus: *she
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1351791883 | 1351837085 | null | t5_2to41 | 198 | We_never_met: TIFU by getting caught masturbating
Home alone before my son gets home from preschool, after a shower I was reading on my bed when I thought, eh, I've got some time. So I went to town with my vibe and I didn't keep it quiet. Next thing I know I hear, 'uh, sweetie...." My husband had come home at lunchtime to do a little work. He heard it and came up to pick on me. "Feeling good?" he asked me. I am permanantly red.
xhighalert: Then get a quickie out of it. Shit, at least try to think of it one-sided. Given you guys are married he probably liked what he saw.
We_never_met: We don't really have sex anymore. He's not interested. I might get some on my anniversary. Might, I say.
gartertrap: This is perhaps one of the saddest things I've read all day.
Evref: nippy on that limb you went out on?
gartertrap: Not really, I only looked at it from a purely sexual standpoint. I've no commentary on their actual relationship.
Evref: was referring to it PERHAPS being the saddest thing you read all DAY. do you spend all day reading a variety of sad materials? well I guess maybe, if you read the news all day.
| 7 | 28.285714 | |
1351803468 | 1351915767 | null | t5_2to41 | 717 | KGlitz: TIFU by shaving my balls. Poorly.
So early this morning I (a male) decided to shave my nether regions in anticipation of sexual activity tomorrow. I debated over whether to trim with my electric manscaper or use an actual bladed razor. I figured shaved clean would look too weird so I went for the trim.
I set the guard on the shaver to be pretty short and turned it on. At this point I noticed the batteries were pretty weak and the oscillation of the blade was abnormally slow.
"Whatever!" I think to myself. It'll do the job. I merrily shave the area above my dick and things are going great. I realize the whole dome of my balls is really scruffy with some occasional super long hairs sticking out. I decide to lightly run the shaver over my balls so that I can not look like franken-nuts. I didn't realize it at first for whatever reason, but the slow oscillation of the blades was actually mauling the shit out of my skin.
I kept going until a REAL snag ripped a medium sized patch off of my sack. I yelled, and saw my entire balls and some of thighs covered in blood. This wasn't a normal shaving cut. I was actively hemorrhagic. I saw the patch spilling blood and got woozy. I took a shower but I am still a little "bleedy" at this point, and what I actually got around to inspecting my package, I noticed about 8 or 9 small cuts in addition to large one.
My nuts are super sensitive now. Sitting hurts them. They are tender and I only have two pairs of black underwear to conceal my misfortune. And I am certain that if I score, and she grabs my balls, things won't be ending well. Goddamn it, today I fucked up.
SinatraFan77: Am I the only one around here who just uses scissors??
KGlitz: I used scissors once when I was about 17. I injured my boys much worse than in this situation and I am NEVER doing that again.
11jeckley: Your testicles must hate you.
KGlitz: I hate my testicles at this point.
SuperNinKenDo: Hey... HEY! Don't be blamin' the victim here.
Basoran: >victims
**FTFY**
[REPEAT OFENDER](http://www.hulu.com/watch/12740)
SuperNinKenDo: I'm not American.
Basoran: I didn't ask.
I won't judge you though.
SuperNinKenDo: Ahahaha, what I mean is, that link you posted works exclusively for Americans.
Basoran: >exclusively for Americans.
In the Reagan era ;-)
SuperNinKenDo: They had Hulu in the Reagan era? =P
Basoran: [Son, I am disapoint.](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/003/866/nfNeT7YvTozx0cv7ze3mplZpo1_500.gif)
come with me, I have much to learn you.
SuperNinKenDo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq2hWRHkk-M&t=1m24s
Basoran: although one of my favorites, american cinema is wide and deep. Immersed in it as I am, I have only but skimmed the surface.
| 15 | 47.8 | |
1351808791 | 1352139012 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | Dentonhere: TIFU and crashed my mom's car into the new kid's park!
so i had to go into town today to pick up smoke's, nothing new there.
walked out the front door and sat in my car realizing someone used the rest of my petrol and the nearest petrol station is too far away to make on what i got.
my mom kindly lets me use her car, seat ibiza mk4 1.6, fair enough it aint anything special but its still a bigger engine than what i got, so cocky me decides to do a few handbrake turns the usual 17 year old childish stunts.
doing pretty well until i hit a patch of diesel and crashed the fucker right into a kids play-park that was built earlier that month, busted up the front bumper and the left front wheel.
no biggie, she deserved it for using my petrol i thought, so i got to changing the tire when coppers pull up, managed to talk my way out of trouble somehow.
so i changed the tire, took me half an hour in the freezing cold with no coat and realized it was stupid of me to do anything in anyone elses car now i wont fuck about in anyone else car but my own!
still never got any ciggies, all the shop's shut........
mochibunny: Good god, this is so British
sherlip: I'm not sure. They said "ciggies", not "fags".
mochibunny: Maybe it varies! Petrol and coppers sounds pretty British, too bad he couldn't throw in a 'mobile' call and a ride on the 'lift'.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1351809129 | 1351825248 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | BBoxall: TIFU by eating a ton of candy. I'm a type one diabetic.
Today, is as you know the day after Halloween. My little brother split his candy 50-50 with me because i wanted to stay home. I have had type one diabetes since I was two years old. I now cant sit still and have o write a 500 word essay for science.
Xodium: As a fellow type-one diabetic, I can relate.
I have a strategy to be able to do these things: I counteract with insulin. I have Novolog/Humalog, which takes effect in 10-30 minutes. I take a metric fuckton of that stuff, and then go to town on whatever sweet stuff I want. Doctor approved.
It also helps that I have a really long-acting insulin backing it up, as well.
BBoxall: I've actually been using a pump, but you my friend, are a genius. I may have some humolog left in my fridge but its been a good 5 years since I've used it.
Xodium: You should be able to do an on-demand dose on your pump, I would imagine.
And if that humalog is 5 years old, I wouldn't touch it. I've had it go bad on me even quicker than that, and that mistake nearly cost me my life.
BBoxall: I was exaggerating, but yeah I get your point. I have whats called the Omni-Pod, its wireless, it does give me a continuous small dose every hour, like humalog. It feels good to connect to another diabetic :D
Xodium: Especially a type one. Type two is so common, so when I say I'm diabetic, people assume it's easy. If you're T1, it's the real deal. So I get T2's telling me that I'm managing my condition all wrong, and that I shouldn't need to do shots if I was managing myself correctly. It gets infuriating.
I wanted to do pumps, but I didn't really like the idea of letting some machine pump me full of insulin. Something could go wrong, or it would inject me full of insulin and trigger hypoglycemia if, say, I had to delay a meal by an hour or more.
Plus, my long-acting insulin (Lantus) usually keeps me in check unless I eat/drink pure sugar. Then I need a shot of Novolog.
DQEight: I tried going to pump management(fellow type 1) and it actually managed quite well..as long as I ate on time. What made me quit is when I inserted the needle in my stomach and tried to pull it out(leaving the tube for the insulin to go through) it got stuck and was excruciatingly painful. I had to go to the hospital and get it removed after being pumped full of painkillers. After that it tramutized me and now I'm back on insulin pen doses.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1351808598 | 1352093001 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU At Work
It was actually two weeks ago.
I work at a large fruit and vegetable market in Brisbane Australia, and i'm a forklift driver.
Every day i've got to lug tonnes of fruit and vegetables to different shops around the place.
Two weeks ago i was given the task to Take one giant pallet of mangos to a shop, Mangos were only just coming into season so they were very expensive at the time.
Anyways there was so many boxes of mangos on this pallet that i couldnt see infront of me, which is a common problem for forklift drivers, so i drive backwards instead.
Big mistake, halfway to the destination i run up a gutter and 500$ worth of mangos all of the ground, including me and the forklift.
And that's my job gone.
Reddit, I Truly Did Fuck Up
cyberwaste: i dont know a good fruit joke that works with mangos.
[deleted]: When the mangos go, the man goes, man.
| 3 | 5 | |
1351811735 | 1351825967 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by spilling spoiled cafe mocha on myself and four others.
BACKSTORY: I am a sophomore in high school. I am known to be clumsy and forgetful therefor Mondays fucking suck for me. So this was actually Monday. I have before school marching band practice so I get up at 5:30am and go to bed at around 11pm. English is my last class of the day. So of course my brain is fried.
So I walk into English class and everything is going well. After about 15 minutes I go up to have my teacher check the thesis for for my essay that was coming up. After she lectures me for the dragon balls I had drawn in my notebook (I doodle to help me think) I go and sit down. Here is the begging of the whole sequence of shitty events. As I go to plop down in my desk (the alignment of which is like to vertical angles, with the back left corner being against the front right corner of the book shelf it's in front of). Now I hit my head on this shelf a lot, but this time it really hurt. So plopping down in my desk I proceed to hot my head on the shelf with a giant thud, there was so much force that a now spoiled McDonald's cafe mocha of a 1st period student flew down and exploded on my desk. This thing had to be completely full because it drenched me, the three a my table and a girl at another table. Then without thinking I drop a very loud F-bomb and I get detention. Not to forget the fact that 5 terms now reek of expired heated-chocolate-dairy product.
TL;DR
Hit my head on a shelf, spilled expired coffee, yelled fuck, got detention.
VAGINA_PLUNGER: What do dragon balls look like?
Professor_Derpsalot: Orange spheres with red stars in the middle. Ranging from 1-7. Onced gathered together in a single place the dragon of them is summoned to grant wishes. I may be a member of the generation of high ass dumb fucks but I'm different. My two brothers who grew up in the 90's trained well. I close this comment with the following words:
Bohemian Rapshody
42
Kame Hame Ha
Haduken
"Falco's ship is in the repair bay"
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1351828675 | 1352177955 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | theonethatlived: TIFU by answering the phone when an ex-girlfriend called.
It was worst than I could have imagined: it took nearly an hour to get a sound driver installed on her laptop. I'd almost have preferred an emotional breakdown over doing doing tech support right before bed.
xhosSTylex: Shoulda got laid, dudebro.
..And how does a sound-card driver take an hour? Go to the manufacturer's website, and download.
theonethatlived: She's a few hundred miles away, and not the brightest bulb in the box -- the drivers weren't the problem...
xhosSTylex: In that case, I would've remotely bricked her machine. No ass, no audio.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1351873238 | 1351888876 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,610 | pissing_angels: TIFU a cougar stole my splooge
hey everyone. i tried posting this in /r/relationships but it seems to have gotten lost in the sea of tears over there.
i went home with an older woman at the bar last friday. i'm 25, she's at least 15 years older than me, and the entire time during the course of our sexual intercourse, she told me to finish inside of her. now, no girl has ever asked me to do that, plus she was my first cougar so it was really exciting.
we talked about the consequences of me splooge-ing inside her, while i was still inside of her, and the excitement of that conversation catapulted the fluid directly into her vagina, so i pretty much said "fuck it" and did it a few more times after that.
anyway, now she's acting super clingy. i gave her my phone number and email address and she keeps calling, texting, emailing me all times of the day.
am i going to be on Maury? my mom watches that show.
tl;dr i splooged inside an older lady and now she's being really clingy even though it was her idea
**EDIT:** she wants to make me lobster bisque this weekend and probably take more of my load and i dont think i can resist
**EDIT2:** i cant go back to wearing jonnies
**EDIT3:** I'm definitely going to fuck her butthole
**EDIT4:** almost as many tears here as /r/relationships
**EDIT5:** the bisque was great, but I only got a few spoonfuls before she was in my pants
**EDIT6:** i should probably go was my dick now
**EDIT7:** i wish i got to eat more bisque
Lepepino: Condoms are cheaper than child support OP.
No glove, No love.
Wrap it before you tap it.
madharpy: But when a woman tells you to come inside her!!! You HAVE TO.
atc_like_a_boss: Fact
_Iridium: I've read that in a book, too. It's fact.
[deleted]: it's on the internet, it's a fact
bored-guy: Upvoted everyone in this thread. Fact.
[deleted]: [proof](http://i.imgur.com/WKkZQ.jpg)
reble02: You would have to be a terrible person to lie on the internet. Fact.
| 9 | 178.888889 | |
1351881703 | 1351960535 | null | t5_2to41 | 420 | Estranged_Noodle: TIFU By getting black-out drunk and waking up with (what I believe) is my colleague's period-blood all over my chin.
Fuck.
Last night I went out with a bunch of my colleagues to grab some drinks and to wind-down. There was 10 of us - mostly the younger crew from the office - and an even ratio of guys-to-girls.
This one girl, Rebecca, is my age - cute and single but fucking wild when she drinks. I, being my horny-self, love to spit game and saw her as a solid target for the evening, so I went for it.
Unfortunately by the time I was ready to man up, I had already reached high-levels of insobriety and lost all functioning memory-systems. I woke up with a blazing headache ... and to an absolute grizzly sight: *muddish-colored blood all over my face.*
I panicked and for an instant thought my jaw was broken or I had a gash hidden underneath the layers of partially-dried blood. I recall in my moment of panic, a modular-swab or what looked like a tiny chunk of bloodied skin or as my colleague later recalls a "bubbly, fleshy, string of red shit."
I cleaned up and gagged for half-the-morning, all the while enduring the world's worst fucking headache. I scrutinized all parts of my chin, upper-chest, and bits of my cheek to happily determine I wasn't injured but in-fact bathed in someone else's blood for the last several hours. Although that made me feel slightly less-disgusted, I'll never forget the crusty-stained pool of hemoglobin, poop, or who the fuck knows that seeped into my pores and stuck to my body like a red-colored, mud-mask.
Focus Estranged_Noodle, I told myself. I was clean and ready for work, but terrified of who knew what. In anticipation for the weekend, I relaxed and forged new memories that I could surely share with those whom inquire ... maybe someone got hurt and I helped out, or it was a vampire party of the sort that I later stumbled upon (NOTE, this is just after Halloween so this was a legitimate thought). I cruised into the office, with my pride and confidence wobbling on the precipice to self-abhorrence, and opened the door to the darkest of welcomes that has ever billowed through this now hallow frame. Our receptionist, Sandy, gave me this cold, unforgiving stare to indicate how much of a cluster-fuck I got myself into from the night before - and if Sandy knows, everyone knows.
Gossip is notorious in our company and last-night's events had unfolded like a 1920's noir, with gruesome details and picture-by-picture events of what happened, the emotions each party felt, and the dark, bloody scenes that unfolded. Murder stories may never match the speed and potency at which my story had spread. I tipped my head low and for that first hour of work, I never experienced such powerful feelings of guilt, shame, and anguish in my life. I felt locked in an isolation unit and for a moment believed death would be a better outcome than all the emotional-pitfalls exposed in the eerie air of the office. I'm not necessarily disturbed by the actual act itself, but deeply regret confiding the act to others who would juice up the story rather than burning it. An overwhelming majority of the guys in my office handed me pats on the shoulder or would mouth something like "fucking *brilliant*" or "*you are GOD*"; the women, however, sneered and passed full judgement my way. It was an incredibly bitter, awkward day to be on the job.
The sun began to fade and as the hours ticked down to just minutes before the weekend, my good colleague Tom approached to reconcile the final details of last night, helping piece together what was a very messy puzzle.
As Tom recounted ... Rebecca and myself were the last two to leave the bar all the while pounding shot after shot and getting as drunk as we possibly could. Tom had stayed with two colleagues to catch up but kept a vigilant eye on the both of us to ensure we didn't up dead or worse. But oh boy, did it end up worse.
In an blurry instant, the night transformed into an absolute horror show. Our colleagues had watched Rebecca and I enter the woman's washroom and 20 minutes later, gasped in complete disbelief and horror as I exited alone. As to what happened (remember, I have NO recollection), Tom remembers seeing "a blood-dripping demon" with a grin plastered across its face. They freaked and knew something was terribly out of place, and came running towards me. What I can deduce - from the network of stories and details passing through as gossip at my workplace - was that as I splashed my head into a butt-pool of vaginal blood and menstruation fluid, Rebecca passed out and lost control of everything and anything while on her period. I must've dug so deep that when I walked out, the guys saw what they describe as an "ocean of rancid dribbles of blood and [what looked like] musty placenta grease." They were horrified and completely shocked while I stood prim and cheeky.
Tom and the two others rushed to Rebecca's aid and found her slumped over the toilet bowl, with her panties around her ankle and a sess-pool of blood quickly staining the bathroom floor.
As they approached the messy card Rebecca had just dealt, they watched as I walked away a victor, audibly mumbling these fateful words: "This was done to restore my honor my father bestowed upon me." I strolled home, completely blacked-out, scaring the likely living-fuck out of every person I came across; but I made it home, alive and well.
I stirred from my slumber, hours later and woke to an awful, awful sight. I strained my heart with a year's worth of hurt and anxiety from all the tension and stares I received at work ; I am also INTENSELY freaked out in the belief I have contracted some alien-form of chlamydia because of all the liters of blood I inhaled the night prior.
God fucking fuck.
_____________________________________________________
**TLDR: Drank with work-buddies, go down on a colleague to wake-up the next morning with soiled blood all over my face and upper-body. Not only am I ashamed of having to go to work these next few weeks, but scared shitlesss that I sucked up some rampant sexual disease of any or most sorts.**
asnof: Wow....mine is
I fucked a chick on her rag and we planned to do anal. I missed that hole and ended up pushing her tampon way up and she stained the hotel sheets(and possibly the mattress)
EDIT:fuck a duck
xb4r7x: How is that even remotely close to worse? That's nowhere near as bad...
asnof: Whoops worded wrong, OP's is definitely worse
Ronry: Nice save. Go edit.
asnof: Then this post wouldnt make sense. Besides who in their right mind would think shoving a tampon up someones cunt would be worse than waking up with period blood all over your face and having the whole office know would be worse
Ronry: just say in the edit what it was you edited. Redditors do it all the time.
| 7 | 60 | |
1351882992 | 1351911866 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | wow_im_an_idiot: TIFU a big job interview.
So I'm hooked up with a job interview that is a 33% salary increase from the job I do now... obviously I'm making sure all my ducks are in a row about this and dotting every i and crossing every t. At this point I should mention I'm a total fuck-up in everything that I do, like, my IQ must be mental retardation levels because I somehow manage to make something colossal go wrong in every endeavor I pursue.
Basically I'm interviewing for a position to work in the science/research/development side of the oil and natural gas industry - big money. I work in a similar industry now where I was able to obtain some documents that I worked on months ago that I thought were non-confidential but turns out they actually are (no thanks to the source that gave me them). So there I was, in all my glory, impressing the two gentlemen that were interviewing me with my elaborate responses to hard questions and my work-base experience that they were directly searching for; until I go to show them some **coool shit** that will definitely wow their brains and show them how awesome I am! Only to find out later upon examining them myself that they're still fucking proprietary and confidential. Wow, I should give the person that released them to me an earful but what the fuck difference does it make? I should have known to look at them before just shoving them in a folder. There goes my chance at finally making a decent living.
TL;DR pm me if you own a firearm I'll pay you to kill me.
Go_John: What was your interviewer's reaction? If they are unaware, they may offer you the job. They may offer you the job even if they are aware.
Any fallout or expected fallout? What are the chances of your treachery being discovered?
wow_im_an_idiot: They were aware - they never said anything during the interview though, I emailed them thanking them for the interview and opportunity, and they never emailed back... which I thought was very odd for a professional at a large company; until I realized why someone would want to stay away from a fucking moron who brings confidential company property off site. There's no chance in hell I'll get the job - why would they want an idiot who compromises company property working for them?
Technically what I did was illegal, but I highly doubt they will do anything about it (besides thinking to themselves _wow, what a dumbass, no chance that guy's ever getting a job for me_.) Worst case scenario they tell the people who I work for now and I get a slap on the wrist about it, but that would honestly take too much time for them to track down, they should have plenty of better things to worry about... like a new candidate for the job.
trouphaz: So... are you sure you aren't just blowing this all out of proportion? I mean, maybe they just weren't interested in hiring you. I've seen PLENTY of places not respond back when they're not interested in hiring someone. Yeah, it sucks, you got blown off, but it doesn't mean the end of the world. When looking for jobs, expect to be passed over for most of them.
From just this short post, I'd say you do this often. You try something new, it doesn't go perfectly, you over analyze it, find some "fuck up" that you did that likely no one else noticed and freak out about it. Either that or you go way overboard trying to really nail something and end up just over compensating and then over analyze it when it doesn't come out right and beat yourself up over it. So, you made a mistake and the people you are dealing with are unprofessional. Move on.
| 4 | 14 | |
1351886160 | 1352349606 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | sharpie9000: TIFU by drinking ants
I was rushing this morning to get to work because I slept through my alarm, so I didn't have time to grab a water bottle like I normally do. I thought I was saved when I got to my car and realized that I had left a vitamin water in there from the night before. It wasn't until after I took a swig that I remembered the ant infestation that had recently taken hold of my car. It turns out dozens of ants had tried to drink the open sugary vitamin water and had drowned in the process. The bottle had a perfect layer of dead ants, and I had ingested them.
Bloody_Vagina_Farts: Shouldn't be too harmful. I would only worry if they were black, the black ants secrete a toxic by product from injecting sugar. But you said they were car ants so I wouln't worry
[deleted]: dats racist
Galarron: Dem blak 'nts
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1351918326 | 1351922371 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | The_Otsoko: I broke my friends laptop
rya11111: i am really sorry for you but i have to remove your post on violation of rule 1. start the post title with "TIFU" and kindly repost :)
The_Otsoko: Sorry xP let me repost it in a while. Having to do this from alien blue and have to get pro
| 3 | 1 | |
1351947525 | 1351960374 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by saving my friend and now I'm gonna get my ass kicked
My friend and I were supposed to meet two kids in the park who had beef with us and wanted a fair fight to end it all. We decided that we should just go so we could get it all over with right then. Instead of the kids who were supposed to come they sent their goon friends who wanted to fight us instead. I'm the smaller of my friends, so my larger friend gets called over into the field by one of the larger kids, so he goes over, accepting that hes going to have his ass whooped. I decided not to go over right away, because I am hesitant to walk into an unfair fight that I know I will lose (the kid was probably 3 inches taller than me and easily 30 pounds heavier). Shortly after I'm hesitate to go over he shouts "Hey, pussy If you don't come over no one is going to fight." This makes pussying out alot easier for me, becasue by doing so I save myself and my friend. So I refuse to go over. The kid now respects my friend who went over and was willing to fight, and instead wants to kick my ass now.
Tl;dr huge kids wanted to fight, made myself look like a pussy to save a friend, now the scariest kid wants to kill me
Glenfiddich_18yr: always bring a knife to a fist fight, and gun to a knife fight. Size matters little when it comes to actual street scraps.
asnof: This is almost stupider that OP's post.
You bring a knife. You get scared. You pull it out. Then its assault with a deadly weapon.
You scuffle. You bring out knife. You stab. (Attempted) murder
You bring out knife. You get clocked in the right spot. Knife gets stolen. You get stabbed
eggrock: Yes. Roll of quarters ftw.
"Just going to the arcarde to play video games officer. It's not a weapon, honest."
Hang on, the '80s are calling..
asnof: A roll of quarters is suspicious nowadays. Can we agree on an orange? Or if you want to kill the person go buy a gas station hoagie
You can eat the evidence
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1351923010 | 1352338116 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | deviousxevious: TIFU by getting so drunk I didn't feel myself getting off before my partner tonight.
First off, a note to all that may be interested: I always make it a point to have my wife get off before i do. Now to the main story. I have had quite a bit of some vodka tonight, however the wife barely had anything (only a single bitch beer). We watched a movie, and after it had finished I of course had some more vodka (i had just gotten a 1L bottle of it this evening). We started watching the movie, however I had to rewind it a few times as we got busy enjoying each other. We then paused the movie barely minutes into it, and moved our sexy fun times into the bedroom. We were progressing quite well into our sexy times, and a bit after she got on top I had to slow her down as I felt like we were going to end, but after a bit of a cool-down she quickly just rolled over to her side on the bed with a feeling of discontent. As I asked her drunkenly why she rolled over I looked down and realized I had finished without even noticing. The worst part is that she thought I had purposely gotten off when I had gone numb waist down and did not realize what happened. I came out here to finish watching the movie, but i guess she assumes we are supposed to go to bed which is why I've had time to share this all. Good night all, and I apologize beforehand if I have made any errors in this submission, I am still rather blitzed. I have attempted to fix everything wrong I have caught.
Keegsta: Use your tongue.
Daydreamer99: After he finished in her?
Keegsta: The clitoris and vagina are different things.
Daydreamer99: Really I never knew... People have hands too.
| 5 | 3 | |
1351975120 | 1351999586 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,047 | burntballs: TIFU by cleaning up my "mess" with napkins my roommate used to dry Ghost Pepper seeds...
So yesterday (yes it happened yesterday) my roommate met a girl, I'd seen her a few times because she came over, but today he decided to go over to *her* place. I was pretty happy, as anyone would if they had the house to his or herself.
So, about an hour after he left, I was feeling a little horny. I decided it was time for a good ol' fap session. I was sitting on the couch, watching Dr. Phil, and soon after, found myself stroking away to the moustache-clad man and the 400 pound lummox who was on the show & had just publicly confessed she had cheated on her husband. It was great. I didn't have to worry about a thing. The house was empty, the curtains were drawn -- indeed, it was a fapper's dream.
Shortly after, I finished. Well, it was evident I didn't think things through. My seed was all over my hand, penis and boxers (I was fapping with my schlong protruding from my boxers). So with my free hand, I reached for the nearest thing: napkins. Unfortunately, these napkins were the very same my roommate used to dry ghost pepper seeds (he wanted to plant them later) and I suspect he also used them to dry his hands from their juices (he later told me he had been "dissecting them" for youtube, idfk). I cleaned up, and then **the burn started**. Oh my lord, this was WORSE than cutting jalapenos, WORSE than icy hot. My friends, you don't know the pain that comes with ghost pepper cock.
I had *no* idea what to do, so for **6 HOURS** I sat, writhing in pain, watching TV with my penis dipped in a glass of icy cold milk, which I refilled every half hour or so. My roommate came home and it was the most embarrassing thing I'd ever experienced. He couldn't stop laughing. Thankfully, it (mostly) went away when I went to sleep, my penis could only feel a mere tickle from the pepper.
The lesson here? DON'T CLEAN UP WITH MYSTERIOUS NAPKINS AROUND YOUR HOUSE!!!
SinatraFan77: Coming from someone who has eaten a ghost chile, I think you are the worst case in this whole sub.
Also, why the hell were you fapping to Dr. Phil?
burntballs: Being horny will do weird things to your brain.
LadySpace: But... why not just use the Internet to find something genuinely sexy to fap to? Like, say, *anything other than Dr. Phil*?
Unless you're just legitimately into balding, arrogant douchebags. Which is fine, of course.
goblan: Because this didn't happen.
Octopus_Tetris: In *EVERY* tifu post, there's one little sad specimen uttering these exact words. Goddamnit. Just roll with it, will you? So what if it didn't happen? You just have to point it out? Jesus fuck.
goblan: In EVERY tifu post, there's one little sad specimen uttering these exact words. Goddamnit. Just roll with it, will you? So what if I say it didn't happen? You just have to point it out? Jesus fuck.
[deleted]: Any actual retort to his comment?
goblan: No, I don't need to flex my e-muscles to feel like a big swinging dick.
[deleted]: I like how you say no, then edit your comment doing exactly what I asked you about.
goblan: Actually I did it in the other order. And I really didn't do what you said either. I just pointed out his hypocrisy.
| 11 | 95.181818 | |
1351978506 | 1352011137 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by destroying my friends' house
So since Hurricane Sandy hit I figured I would get really drunk. I went to my friends' house (there's like 6 of them living there) and started drinking casually. Suddenly my casual drinking progressed into very heavy drinking and before I knew it, I was raging. I had a lot of anger for some unknown reason and started headbutting the wall. It didnt break so then I punched it and now theres a huge hole in the wall. I then saw the rockband set and decided to stomp on the drumset; ultimately breaking that. Then I started fighting one of my friends and got my ass kicked. Eventually I blacked out and woke up horrified at the damage I imposed on a house that wasnt even mine
fishsauce_123: And this is why weed should be legal and booze should be banned.
VAGINA_PLUNGER: What the fuck?
trollocity: Your name is fucking awesome.
| 4 | 3 | |
1351980967 | 1351982878 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU my two month old galaxy S3.
I have been using Android phones for a while but have never tried my hand at rooting one. Last August, I got a t-Mobile Galaxy S3. After using it for a while, I got annoyed with the touch wiz UI and was getting impatient waiting for the jelly bean update. I decided to root my phone. Everything was going fine, the root was successful so I decided to install a stock 4.1 rom. I downloaded a bootloader unlocker not knowing that it was intended for the Verizon model. After backing up all my data, I rebooted the phone. Now it won't turn on at all. It's hard bricked.
[deleted]: Hold volume down, home and power on the phone: does this take you to download mode?
Jrrrad: Nope. It's a paperweight now. I did some research and this seems to be especially common with the T-Mobile model. Some android forums mentioned a company in texas that claims that they can recover hard bricked phones. They also had some good reviews and the service costs less than my handset protection deductible. Lesson learned. But I plan to try it again.
| 3 | 1 | |
1351983732 | 1352124737 | null | t5_2to41 | 77 | aft3rm4th: TIFU by getting a blowjob in a movie theater
Just happened a minute ago.
Me and the girlfriend are currently waiting to see paranormal activity 4, sitting all the way in the back row. Well when me and her get together we usually end up getting "adventurous" whether it be the rooftop of the Dallas Galleria, or a movie theater much like now.
We came way too early and were completely alone, so after some making out and heavy petting, she desides that she needs my cock in her mouth.....after 10 minutes, in walks a gang of 3 females. I dont even know how long they were standing there....oh god, why.
Tl;dr 3 girls caught my girlfriend blowing me in a theater
fgunthar: God, I hope you held up your hand for a high five from one of the 3 girls.
aft3rm4th: Fun fact, after the movie my girl had to pee, they had just walked out of the restroom and I asked one for a high five. She said "it's cool, I've seen it before" and gives me the high five
fgunthar: Yea bud you didn't fuck up, you succeeded at life for that moment of time.
aft3rm4th: the only reason i went for the high five was due to your comment (i was on reddit during pretty much the whole film due to it being JUST. THAT. TERRIBLE)
fgunthar: My work here is accomplished
| 6 | 12.833333 | |
1351990026 | 1352917848 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU And Smoked Weed
so last night i smoked weed for the first time. im 16 and i thought i may aswell because most of my friends smoke and my friend had offered to buy us some. so we roll up a couple of spliffs and start smoking. i then proceed to roll a puree (just weed) and get intensely fucked. So at this point we can barely walk and we decide to go get some chicken and chips and of course, being in this state, i do some dumb shit and eventually i ring my ex and ask if she wants to hang out. she says yes and i go to her house and i fucked her. i didn't use a condom. i leave and i go back to my mates before leaving to go back to my house. i get home and my mum instantly realises im high, grounds me and now my parents are pissed.
i woke up today to pissed off parents, texts from my ex about the pill and a splitting headache. im never smoking again
cornpops: Its not the weeds fault you did stupid shit. It is completely your fault and your the only one to blame. It was not the weed that made you ring your ex, it was not the weed that made you fuck her and not use a condom. It was you, you would prob have phoned her regardless if you were high or not. Also why the fuck would you think it was a good idea to smoke a couple of spliffs when its your first time smoking weed? I doubt you would even able to smoke one let alone a pure joint that you rolled. Hey wait a sec, I thought it was your first time smoking weed, you sure seem to know what you are doing. For this reason I call bullshit on your story.
AConcernedParent: Too bad you're a piece of shit. I know who you are and your opinion should never be valued or heard. You are a disappointment to home and country.
cornpops: Oh wow call me piece of shit without giving a reason, real mature. First off you don't know who I am, neither do you know where I am from and therefore any thing you say does not matter. You have to resort to slinging profanities for no reason? your probably 12 years old and not worth my time.
AConcernedParent: I've known you your entire life. You're actually such a disappointment to everyone.
cornpops: Right, you keep right on thinking that, but I probably do not even live on the same continent as you. oh btw low and behold OP deleted this account. So I was probably right about it being bullshit.
AConcernedParent: Still here, still know you're shitty.
cornpops: Can't tell if stupid or troll..... I'm going with troll. A bad one as well. Its been over a week, its this thing called moving on. I'm surprised you haven't commented on my other comments. It would be nice to have a adoring fan follow me around =)
AConcernedParent: Dad?
| 9 | 1 | |
1351991042 | 1353096158 | null | t5_2to41 | 128 | [deleted]: TIFU by my leaving my masturbation tool in my bed
Like most girls, I masturbate. But sense I'm to embarrassed to buy a vibrator and I live with my mom, I use my toothbrush (a separate toothbrush than the one I use to brush my teeth). My mother never cleans my room but today she decided to and I had left my toothbrush under the covers. I go in my room to find my toothbrush on my night stand. She hasn't mentioned it.... but now I know she knows.
DanInTheCan: Shit, my mom found a jar of vaseline with a perfect indentation of the head of my cock- veins and all, plus a pube to boot - when I lived at home. Dad walked in on me once. It happens.
I know I've walked in on my kids. You get the, "DAD!!?" as you close the door as quickly as possible.
SweetMisery2790: has anyone in your family heard of knocking?
DanInTheCan: If you don't make a huge deal out of things then they're not really a big deal. I had the conversation with my daughters at an early age about masturbation and sex so that they don't feel slut shamed for inquiring about their bodies. It's not like I'm not masturbating when the opportunity presents itself, why would I embarrass them for doing it?
Long story short, we're family, and family often catches each other at their worst. We crap with the bathroom door open, can't get much worse than that.
The_Homestarmy: You should still knock. It's common courtesy and they're clearly embarrassed about it anyway.
--Just realized this post is ten days old. Posting anyway.
Falathras: Ten days? He's probably dead and will never get your reply.
| 6 | 21.333333 | |
1351994179 | 1352151970 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | TheRealZaros: TIFU by try to climb over a fence and getting metal almost like barb wire in my asshole.
This didn't really hurt but I was with 2 friends that when they got to the top they jumped off, but me I tried to climb down the other side.....
Edit: Because you assholes wanted more description here you are, So we went to the theatres to to see a movie and on the way back we decided to take a short-cut. So there were 3 fences 1 I kicked in and another I got metal up my ass (not in the shape of a dildo). So after that I was on the ground holding my ass for like 10 mins, meanwhile my friends were laughing their asses off. So after I recovered from that we started running threw some grass which hadn't been cut in maybe 5 years? At the end was another fence.... this one was big and my shoes weren't the kind you use for climbing metal fences. So I had to walk about half to a full kilometre just to get back to my friends.
Edit2: This also was my first post so don't be hatin on my too much.
trouphaz: wow... that's a very poor telling of what could possibly be an interesting story.
TheRealZaros: Well.... I'm sorry If I was half-asleep when I posted this, also my ass was really hurting so I didn't want to talk about it
trouphaz: That makes no sense. I didn't want to talk about it, so I posted it on reddit.
TheRealZaros: Well this subreddit is called "Today I Fucked Up" for a reason.
[deleted]: Thea idea behind that being that you then go on to describe the details of your fuck up for our twisted amusement.
trouphaz: thank you. I still don't get why the OP post anything if he didn't want to say something. Oh well.
TheRealZaros: I changed it quite a bit it will probably be more interesting and sorry half-asleep me doesn't use grammer.
| 8 | 2.125 | |
1351998841 | 1352074458 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | Hjillmam: Tifu and decide to snort salt
I was out at mcdonalds with a few friends and started pouring salt into a pile for entertainment. I'm associates with the manager there and he said that no one would snort salt. So I took the challenge and rolled a dollar and well snorted up. It was the worst idea to ever attempt. It burned my whole nasal cavity and the back of my throat and now 4hrs later it's mostly gone except for the small amount of pain in my throat. The lesson is to never snort something period.
squandrew: I've snorted salt and pepper, lemon juice, and hot sauce back to back when I was younger. Bad move.
deathchord423: Ohgodwhy?
squandrew: The lulz mostly.
Tactical__Yak: The ultimate reason for everything.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1352003165 | 1352005416 | null | t5_2to41 | 106 | IAmA_Fisted_Asshole: TIFU by trusting a fart.
Pretty self explanatory. I've had diarrhea over the past few days, which included having a rather sore stomach so I was pleased to wake up this morning and enjoy a pain free breakfast.
After that I sat down on the couch to use my laptop and felt a small fart coming along. I assumed that no sore stomach = no diarrhea so I made the decision to give the fart a little push and the next thing I know the insides of my undies had changed hue. I attempted to make a swift escape to the toilet but my brother had heard the all to wet sounding fart.
TL;DR: I sharted and brought dishonour to my family.
DuoBoss: You Dear Sir Deserve An Upvote.
lolo1163: Very, he/she sure does.
DuoBoss: I do too.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1351999106 | 1352017010 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently sneezing while urinating.
s
DubstepCheetah: how do i make the face with the cool eyes and the open mouth, because that has never been more appropriate.
Also I did this today, minus the ripped urethra, just piss all over my toilet.
theaarona: &#3232;\_&#3232;
| 3 | 15 | |
1352016816 | 1352255845 | null | t5_2to41 | 195 | notrodblas: TIFU Approached by a girl, and rejected her...
Ill start by saying i'm new here so forgive me for not exactly sharing an amazing story, but here it is. I am a college freshman, so the whole college experience is something I'm trying to get used to. Having all this free time to do whatever I want, go anywhere I want, etc. Except I am an "introvert". I say it in quotes because I don't want to use it as a good excuse for my lack of friends, but I do tend to go everywhere on campus alone. I am not really the type of person to make friends easily, or do the social scenes (parties, clubs). I also eat/study alone, I am that guy you see eating alone everyday. That is me, and so for the past few months that is what I have done. The other day this pretty girl comes up to me, I thought she was going to ask me to let her use the ketchup bottle I had. Instead she says "Hey, I notice you eat here everyday alone, I was wondering if you want to sit with my sister and I?" I being the lady's man I am answered "uhmm... actually...I am very shy, (stuttering) maybe another day? I am sorry...i am terribly shy. But definitely another day I will take your offer." The chick is shocked/disappointed...the rest of the time I am in the cafeteria I avoid eye contact. When she leaves with her sister, I manage to stutter a shy goodbye... I had a chance to make friends, and I blew it. The girl was being kind and nice to me (cute too) but nope, bombed it.
TL;DR A girl offers to sit with her because I look lonely, I stupidly say no.
drogepirja: A girl asked me to dinner on Halloween, and I did the same exact thing. I hate being cripplingly shy.
notrodblas: Any other times that has happened to you?
drogepirja: More than I care to admit. I have never dated a girl who didn't make the first move, or even the next few moves after that. I'm rather pathetic when you look at my relationship history.
notrodblas: aww im sorry to hear that, is it the same as me... are you too shy?
drogepirja: I'm extremely shy when it comes to any kind of socialization. I can do introductions just fine, but anything beyond that and I start to have a lot of trouble.
Last time I was interested in a girl, I'd just met her at her work (some tourist trap place in Monterey). My bandmates (it was a band hangout day) and their SOs caught wind that I liked her, and they decided to call her work and ask her for directions to a good place to have dinner. Then my drummer shoved the phone in my hand and made me ask her out to drinks later that night. I did so incredibly awkwardly, and by some miracle she accepted. Then when we all went out I barely said a word all night, and I sat as far away from her as possible (my bandies made us sit together).
I texted with her for maybe 10 days, and haven't talked to her or seen her since. Probably never will.
notrodblas: Was it because you were forced to? Or because you can't go beyond intros.
drogepirja: A bit of both, really. It's hard for me to think of things to say. Not really sure what the reasons are for that, but I do know that it's especially bad with girls I'm interested in. I'm better at it when drankin' is involved, but I already planned on being DD that night.
You seem especially curious about my comments, is this pretty much the same thing that goes on with you?
notrodblas: Sort of, I just want to hear about other's and their experiences and how they learned from them :P
drogepirja: Haha. The shitty thing is, I'm super flirty with the girls at my work (I'm one of 4 guys there, and 3 of us are hetero). But that is because I know that I will only lose my job by talking to them if I REALLY REALLY REALLY fuck up.
notrodblas: Well good sir, you lucky dog, put into a perfect situation (; but yeah I mean honestly talking to women is sooooo easy, make them laugh, I've done it. Problem? I see them as friends, no potential gf, so it's easy. Once I like a girl and try to go for it, my body says, NOPE! And I get scared.
drogepirja: Haha, it'd be a great situation if I didn't have to worry about things getting awkward if I boned down one of my coworkers. You can bet your ass I have my eye on at least one, though...
notrodblas: Are relationships among coworkers not allowed? :o
drogepirja: Nah, they're just a bad idea. Personal experience :3
notrodblas: Gotcha, where do you work? What do you do?
drogepirja: I work at Pottery Barn Kids in a mall. I lift flatpacked boxes of kids' furniture all day, I open boxes, and I put heavy shit in people's cars all by myself. What about you?
notrodblas: Bud, I am currently unemployed college student, I live where there is little to no jobs available, so just sticking my head in the books for now.
drogepirja: Oh so you live in America, me too :B
notrodblas: Of course I live America. Where I am free! :p jk yeah i live in TX
drogepirja: Haha, my bandmate (the frontman) lived in Austin briefly, he loved it there. I've always wanted to see the state, but just like here in CA, shit's HUGE
notrodblas: Dude, I have been wanting to check out Austin for the longest, ACL and SXSW Austin is the place to be as a fellow musician! Never been to CA good sir. I used to live in Dallas, it's awesome. Now i live in rural east texas
drogepirja: You've got somebody to hang out with if you ever visit the Bay Area, just hit me up. What do you play man?
PS I'm Patrick
notrodblas: Rod, I am drummer. Thanks man!
drogepirja: Man, nice! Good drummers are hard as fuck to find. I'd know, I also run a jam night at a bar one night a week. I bet you've heard as many bullshit stories about "Oh I can play drums" as I have. :D
notrodblas: I'd hate to fall in that category, :( I wouldn't ever just say I know how to play the drums... and embarrass myself in front of people :p
drogepirja: Haha. It's a wonder what alcohol can do. It's like those guys at shows who ask you point-blank if you need another guitarist/singer in your band.
notrodblas: I forget are you a singer? Or guitar player?
drogepirja: I do both, as well as bass and drums. Wanna exchange links to recordings? :D
notrodblas: I'm not pro... I don't have recordings of myself patrick :p sorry! Ill listen to yours no prob though!
drogepirja: Haha, well, here you go: http://troubador.bandcamp.com
I play bass on every song but "Sunday Morning" (I played the two acoustic guitar parts), half the rhythm guitar on everything else, and the solo on "West Texas." I also do 90% of the backing vocals.
PS being in a band doesn't necessarily make you pro, but we sure love playing shows, so we do it a lot.
notrodblas: Thanks ill check them out later, currently studying for an exam tomorrow!
drogepirja: Shit dogg, good luck!
| 32 | 6.09375 | |
1352036472 | 1352159426 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | Madocvalanor: TIFU by tipping my bookshelf over onto my monitor.
So I was doing a bit of spring cleaning and decided I was going to try to sell some of my older books. Now, my book case is over five feet tall and is chock full of hard back books, game guides, dvds, blurays, and what not. I even have a ROB at the very top looking down at the door. Anyway, while I was getting some of my books down I noticed an old letter stuck behind the book shelf and was going to get it and put it into my storage. My arm bumped hard into the book shelf and it started to tip. Five seconds of heart wrenching crashing, glass shattering, books flopping open and ROB getting thrown against a wall (and breaking) and I had to spend most of my morning picking up books, dvds, and other knick knacks off my table and floor. I lost a rather nice monitor and ROBs head now permenantly stares down at me.
TheRealZaros: That sort of thing almost happened to me too, I was walking into my family room and my brother pushed me into the giant bookcase. My toe was fucked up for 2 weeks and the thing almost fell over but I caught it, luckily I didn't spill my drink either.
Madocvalanor: I swear there was no way to catch my book case :(
TheRealZaros: Yeah by the way you explained it you're right you couldn't have caught it, but in my case I was pushed into it and was lucky enough when the stuff on top made of glass fell it didn't break.
Madocvalanor: I was able to save a saki glass my friend from japan sent me... But that was about it.
nareindrak: sake* just so it ever comes up again you got the spelling right :)
Madocvalanor: Thanks. saying it sounds like saki so I spelt it that way. then again I am texan so I have the accent lol
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1352058941 | 1352092771 | null | t5_2to41 | 183 | [deleted]: TIFU: changing a wheel.
So today, we were going to take the Land Rover Discovery for a bit of an off road leg stretch, but we noticed we had a flat tyre just before leaving. I grabbed the Hi-Lift jack out the back and placed it on the underside under side of the bullbar to raise the front corner up. Got it in the air and pulled the wheel off. When the wheel was a millimeter off the studs the whole vehicle groaned and edged back, I moved my legs the fuck from under there and looked to see if the handbrake was on and it was in gear, the handbrake had slipped and it was in reverse, the whole vehicle edged back again. The Hi-Lift jack's foot slipped and the vehicle dropped, my soul with it, the brake disk was saved by the fact that to jack got wedged between the bullbar and the ground. TIFU bad.
neverenough22: OP: New thread idea:
TIL I MUST USE JACK STANDS WHEN DOING ANYTHING ON A CAR.
Glad you're okay!!
[deleted]: Yeah, good plan, need to get one's that are high enough for the Land Rover.
neverenough22: Good point-- didn't think about that.
I had my A4 up on jack stands and a jack a few months ago and the car almost rolled off. Had to stand there holding the front fender so my buddy could go get his jack. Not fun.
Joaoaoao: TIL all redditor have nice cars
[deleted]: Mine ain't nice.
[deleted]: You're right, I've read the Land Rover has the highest failure rate if all makes.
[deleted]: Mine has also never failed.
DkryptX: Not yet
[deleted]: 300TDIs never die.
| 10 | 18.3 | |
1352062657 | 1352064333 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | Paquito233: TIFU by shoving my face in between a girls legs.
edit: the title should have said a girl's legs.
Me and my friends were having a party and after everyone left it was just a group of me and my close friends. We decided to jump on the trampoline, because we were bored. This girl I have been friends with since kindergarten was with us. She was sitting with her legs spread in jeggings. I did a front flip (or attempted to do a front flip) and landed on my back. I recoiled and my face flew strait in between her legs into her crotch. so yeah...
chris113113: Once again, a fuck up that could easily be remedied by just apologizing.
Paquito233: yeah but seriously, its kinda awkward like "hey sorry for shoving my face into your crotch."
chris113113: Or just stand up and awkwardly laugh and say "Oops, sorry."
Paquito233: or just kinda scoot away, thats what I did.
FireFlyDude117: You, it's people like you that annoy me. Why? Cause it reminds me of how I used to act and it annoys the hell out of me.
An apology would have sufficed, followed by a bit of laughter then all goes back to normal.
Dude, man up. Seriously, like my friend put it when talking to me about it, "you're that one friend who everyone knows about but no one wants to be around". Don't be that guy. Don't act awkward, cause I've learned the hard way that once you do, so does everyone else and it just sucks and no one has a good time anymore.
edit: spelling
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1352063343 | 1352066308 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Paquito233: TIFU not actually today but 8 years ago, I lit my friend's rug on fire.
I was at my friend Andrew's house. I got the wonderful idea to put a candle out with a paper towel. Solely by coincidence the paper towel caught on fire. Panicking like any 7 year old would do, I threw the napkin on the ground. I started freaking out afraid to say anything until the carpet was burning in a 3 foot wide radius burning 2 foot tall. I started screaming and my friend's mom dumped her bottle of water on it then stomped it out like a boss. I am still not allowed to their house to this day.
jbmass: That rug really tied the room together.
Paquito233: *sigh* i know classic victorian, went lovely with the fireplace and wicker furnishing
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1352123627 | 1352302905 | null | t5_2to41 | 108 | grazwolf: TIFU failing hard with a certified shag from a hot goddess
Gorgeous blonde bombshell who I've had missed opportunities of hooking up with in the past came to my house tonight after drinks and even said she'd stay the night and have a spa with me. Then, and this is WHERE I FUCK UP AND CANNOT GET OVER IT, I ask if she'd like to come along to the midnight launch of halo 4 with me and my friends... She says sure and I think cool. On the way back she says "oh my parents live just over there (next to game shop) I might go home tonight".
tl;dr passed up a sex session with blonde goddess for halo 4
[deleted]: why dude, just why...?
grazwolf: I. Don't. Know.
Modus_Pwninz: Dat Halo.
Airob: That chick was Halozoned.
I_Fuck_Pigs: Chief blocked
| 6 | 18 | |
1352125276 | 1352142135 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | imnotcooldude: TIFU by having sex with my friends sister and stealing her from my other friend.
TL;DR at the bottom.
This happened on friday at a party out in the bushes, everybody had a good time and were pretty drunk. I noticed Johnny trying to pull this girl for so long and when the party was slowing down I went upstairs to the dancefloor to change the song. When I got upstairs I saw Johnny and her dancing and they kept inviting me to join them but I was going to let them be together and went off in the kitchen. As I open another beer that same girl comes towards me and mauls my face and being pretty drunk, I let her.
It was awkward to begin with considering she had been with johnny the whole night and he was just outside the kitchen so I told her, "Are you sure? Weren't you guys having a good time." and she tells me they're just friends, so I thought that it wouldn't matter too much and went on.
After our session I walk downstairs and everybody is frustrated and somethings going on so I naturally ask my good friend Rob of whats going on. Rob told me that Johnny was in the bathroom mad and I told her that we really couldn't do this and she went up to comfort him and I thought that was the end of that. But after she comes down, she's still onto me and wants me to come with her home and I kept trying to reject the idea but she was too persistent and so I went with it.
Next day, I find out shes my friends sister aswell and the people at the party thought I was taking advantage of her. Fucking shit, I just wanted to get laid and she wanted too, neither of us regretted it and we still keep in contact. I really don't feel like I've done anything wrong, maybe it was tasteless, but the girl was never intrested in Johnny.
Anyways, thanks for reading and I am aware my english is shaky, please deal with it.
**TL;DR:** I had sex with a girl that my friend tried to pull, he got mad over it, people think I was taking advantage of her, found out that the girl was my friends younger sister.
Falconhaxx: You didn't know it was your friend's sister, so no harm done.
Also, Johnny is a fucking bitch. The girl didn't like Johnny. That's too bad for Johnny, but he should just suck it up.
Basically, the only way you fucked up was by panicking. You did nothing wrong. If everyone else is pissed, that's their problem.
jarwastudios: This times a million. I was like OP during my dating career. My friends meet girls, girls didn't like my friends, got to liking me better, and it was never a choice them or me, it was either me or someone different entirely. Sometimes I let them choose someone different, but I usually went for it. Those guys didn't like after I did that one too many times, but fuck 'em. The girls didn't like them, I didn't steal shit from them, and they weren't their property. See, it's the delusion of grandeur that they think the longer they have time to work on a girl, the more they'll fall desperately in love. Shit just don't work like that.
| 3 | 12 | |
1352125591 | 1352208353 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,043 | Modus_Pwninz: TIFU by slapping myself in the balls during sex.
Long story short, in the wee-hours of the morning after my fiance got home from work, we decided to have some sexy times.
She likes having her ass slapped pretty hard, so while she was riding me, she asked for me to slap her ass. She specified that I do it hard.
So I...attempted. However, at the same time, she lifted her ass up a bit higher than usual during the up-thrust and my hand missed her ass entirely and landed squarely on my balls.
I've never been hit in the balls so hard. Sex stopped immediately and it is the only time I've laughed my ass off (I had to, it was so ridiculous) while in excruciating pain.
I wouldn't be surprised if I'm now sterile.
Lordica: Her diabolical plan came to fruition.
bulbousaur: Because of your low-hanging fruit.
arifex: http://brims.fr/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/low-five.jpg
JesusDoesntWantYou: Anytime someone links a funny picture it's always ruined by long, awkward link.
[deleted]: perhaps if it's your first day on the internet
JesusDoesntWantYou: Ahah yes, hardcore Reddit veteran
Gentlementlmen: Hoverzoom bro
| 8 | 130.375 | |
1352130509 | 1352144208 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | JackRig95: TIFU by taking a shit in a strangers house and dirtying everything.
I work delivering leaflets all over England and yesterday I was delivering on the outskirts of Lancaster, about 150 miles from home. I'd been delivering since 6am and now it was reaching about 3pm and I really needed a shit. That bad I was actually looking for bush to shit in. Then it sprang to mind that a pleasent old man was in his front garden mowing the lawn and what not when I passed him his leaflet and seemed pretty happy on this crisp, sunny afternoon. So, I gingerly approached him amd asked "Can you do me a favour please mate?" to which he replied "Of course I can, what would it be?" I asked could I use his toilet and he said of course, took me through his garage amd said "Third door on the left". I literally ran to the toilet and did my buisness. After the euphoria that was taking a huge shit I'd needed for ages, I noticed I still had my muddy trainers on, which had dirtied all of his white tiled bathroom floor. I stood up amd noticed that I had left skids all down the back of his toilet. This is hell. 'Time to go, now.' I thought, so I opened the bathroom door and low and behold, he had a fucking cream carpet running throughout his house. The cream carpet was now covered in mud from my shoes. I got out of there as quick as I could and continued with my rounds.
**Tl;dr: Had a shit in a strangers house and made a mess of a beautiful carpet and bathroom**
lacabra: Why the hell didn't you take your shoes off when you entered the house? Especially a stranger's house? That's so inconsiderate, and entirely your fault.
JackRig95: So I guess you could say 'I fucked up'?
Blargen_Dargen: Yeah, but you fucked up the way a 3-year-old fucks up.
JackRig95: [Come on man!](http://i.imgur.com/WIurW.gif)
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1352127544 | 1353801259 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Volke78: TIFU: I lost the tip of my index finger.
Well, not much to it, my finger got caught between a log an a hard place while I was splitting wood. It was yesterday, and I'm about to head to surgery now. I believe I lost the last quarter inch of my right index, and most of the nail is gone. What really hits me is that I'm 15 and will have to deal with this for the greater majority of it.
UPDATE: The wound is actually a lot better than expected, no surgery is required. I've got it all gauzed up and healing now.
doit4s8n: its not that big of a deal dude it will heal back, i did the same shit to my thumb with a kitchen knife in middle school, you'd never be able to tell now
atc_like_a_boss: I don't think fingers grow back like lizard tails.
subconcussive: It's only a 1/4 inch, most likely some of the bone will grow back, as well as the muscle and skin/tissues
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1352133568 | 1352144823 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU when my housemate caught me stealing rice.
8 other people and I share a house near our university. We're strangers to each other, but we get along well. Technically I have fucked up almost every day since I moved here this September by stealing food from all of them.
It's never big things. A spoonful of peanut butter, the uneaten crusts from their pizza boxes, teaspoons of milk whenever I bake. It's rarely out of necessity, though. I definitely have some sort of compulsive eating problem. The food I buy for myself either requires time to prepare or is gone within hours of purchase. My section of the fridge (we have 3 different fridges to hold everyone's stuff) is empty because I was on vacation over the weekend. I won't be able to buy any food until my paycheck comes in on Thursday. Excuses, excuses.
One of my housemates always has a big pot of rice in his fridge. I take spoonfuls of it and smooth the surface over. This morning, I had gone 18 hours without food so in my ravenous, greedy state, I took a fistful of rice in my bare hand.
Then another housemate walked in. The door is around a corner so when I heard it open, I closed the pot and was closing the door when she saw me. In front of a fridge that she knew wasn't mine, because the two of us share the other fridge. With rice falling out of my hand. She smiled curtly as if she knew she had walked in on me stealing food but was too polite to say anything.
"Hey, do we have any ice cube trays?" I stammered, scrambling for an explanation. "Uh-mine-isn't-full-and-I-want-ice-cold-water-right-now-so-I-was-looking-for-an-ice-cube-tray-in-the-other-fridge-cuz-I'm-a-bad-person."
We talked for a bit as though nothing had happened. She probably didn't see me stuff the rice into my jacket pocket. Maybe she believed me and wouldn't put two and two together if she'd noticed the slightly-different knife marks in her various spreads. Regardless, I'm awaiting the shitstorm when my housemates confront me about my compulsive eating and stealing.
TL;DR Housemate knows that I am a compulsive eater after seeing me steal rice from fridge with bare hands. Can I play the tearful 'I have a mental illness' card if confronted?
hawkxcore: Just man/woman up and tell them "I'm sorry, I've been eating your food". Otherwise you'll just be adding "Compulsive liar" to "Compulsive eater". And they'll know it.
ashent: Agreed - this is much worse to play it off on some kind of compulsion, even if it is an accurate statement.
OP, if I was your roommate (and I have had poor/food stealing roommates before) and you said "I'm sorry I took some of your rice," and stopped it, I wouldn't even remember it all that negatively in the future. If you stammered out a few excuses and then tried to pin your wrongdoing on something out of your control, I'd add that to a list of flaws I'd perceive in you.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1352140154 | 1352219853 | null | t5_2to41 | 373 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking around my apartment naked while our new kitten was in attack mode.
This was just a couple hours ago, and has been probably the second most traumatic event of my life.
I was rushing around my apartment (naked) trying to get ready for class, doing ordinary things like starting the shower, picking out my clothes, pulling warm towels from the dryer, etc. I hear my kitten pouncing around on a bottle cap under our couch and realize I haven't fed her, so I figure I might as well do that while I wait for the water in the bathroom to heat up.
I grab the dry food and bend down to pour her a bowl when I feel her digging her teeth and claws into my achilles tendon in a surprise ambush. I jump and spin around in mid air, my dong flapping back and forth like a giant mouse taunting her, and I see this look in her eyes as she tenses up: "Target acquired."
She lunged at me and got two claws into the skin about an inch above the base of my penis, and rode it like she was sliding down a ladder. After I punted the little she bitch across the room out of shock, I look down at the most searing, burning, painful wound I've ever had. I leave a trail of dick blood across the floor of the kitchen, dining and living rooms as I scrambled like mad trying to find a way to save my mangled cock.
I've doctored myself up as much as possible with alcohol, tylenol, neosporin, spray on band aids and some butterfly bandages. The bleeding stopped, but every step I take I am in pretty bad pain. I've spent the last half an hour debating whether or not to go to the doctor, and after thinking about how the kitten buries her poop with the same paws that she tore into my dick with, I'm thinking I'm gonna go right now.
So, there you go, my lowest moment, TIFU.
And thank you so much, Mom, for not having me circumcised.
shampayne: What was the first most traumatic event of your life?
Tehok: Seeing my mom's cooch before her impromptu caesarian section on a dirty prison floor, then having to shoot her corpse in the head so she wouldn't come back as a zombie. That is literally the only thing more traumatic than this.
Cjenk029: Where have you been hiding the cat, Carl? First you want a gun now this.
Tehok: Who the crap is Carl?
aDragonOr2: A walking dead reference.
Tehok: The joke was that I wasn't making a reference, I had actually shot my mom.
darkrock: explain.... more... please
Tehok: Humor is based on subverting expectations, often through play on words. According to this formula, my "Who the crap is Carl?" comment was literally the funniest thing ever said by anyone.
bmward105: Attention, the Internet is closed forever. User Tehok has written the funniest comment ever in history. Prepare your computers for shut down forever.
| 10 | 37.3 | |
1352147005 | 1352276595 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | wiseblueberry: TIFU by mangling my bf's penis during sex
This actually happened last night. So I'm a lady and yesterday was the first day of my period. Ordinarily, I would use a diva cup, but much like a tampon, that has to be taken out any time you want to have sex. Last night, I decided to put in an instead soft cup because it can stay in for sex, and it keeps things a little cleaner so I don't bleed everywhere. So an hour or two after I put it in, sexytimes began.
I'm not sure how it happened, but during sex, my boyfriend managed to catch his penis on the soft cup (which has a hard plastic rim around it, it looks like [this](http://www.literatureandleisure.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/instead-softcup-sample-300x300.jpg)).
All he told me is that it felt like something pinched him, but it stopped, so we kept going. I ended up giving him a BJ, which tasted slightly bloody, but that would be expected with sex during that time of the month, even with a soft cup in.
So after we enjoyed ourselves and it was time to clean up, we turned on the lights. In surveying the damage, we realized his penis was mangled. There was a tear halfway around it, right under the head. It was also raw and bleeding all around the tear (BJ blood was not entirely mine). The only thing I can figure is that he managed to wedge the head of his penis between the cup and my cervix, and it pinched/ripped his skin. We cleaned it up and applied antibiotic ointment, but he's in pain and likely out of commission for a couple weeks.
TLDR: wore feminine hygiene product to prevent bloody sex. Sex was bloody in a different way because of it.
flavroftheweek: Well holy shit. Thank god for Depo-Provera shots is all I can say...
Mangled really describes it well, which is surprising, because I would usually use that to describe a car wreck.
SuperDanii: The depo vera is the worst thing to EVER happen to me, be careful on that thing.
flavroftheweek: Yeah, I hear that. They've made my gf's life pretty difficult, so she's gonna switch to a different method soon. The migraines were awful. :(
SuperDanii: trust me its for the better, I gained like 50 pounds on it over a 2 year period. I have to take vitamin d pills every week now because my bones are weak. They hurt so bad when I'm carrying heavy things. If I could go back in time and never take it I would. Make sure she checks her vitamin d and hormone levels.
flavroftheweek: Ugh, good lord. I will certainly do that, thanks for the info :)
SuperDanii: I'm glad I can at least help one person. Depo is horrible.
| 7 | 17.428571 | |
1352151787 | 1352213337 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | cb31: TIFU by making every seventh grade boy's nightmare come true for my boyfriend.
EDIT: I am not in the seventh grade, nor is my boyfriend. I am 20, he is 22. We are legal consenting adults. I am bad at writing titles. No children were involved in the making of this horror story.
OP:
This weekend, I was really drunk with my friends and my boyfriend, and when he and I got home, sexytimes ensued. My memory starts to fade here, and I wake up the next morning with wet hair and changed into clothes different than what I wore out. After inquiring with my boyfriend, turns out I threw up all over him and his bed, while giving him head. That's right, the horror stories you heard in middle school, they come true. To me. I validate urban legends. I am a winner.
Fzero21: Wait are you both in seventh grade?
PhysicsIsMyMistress: Maybe her bf is the 7Th grader...
....please, take a seat.
cb31: Loll. Nope, I just remember hearing about all of the terrible things that could happen during sex in an urban legend style conversation when I was in middle school, just as we were learning what sex was. Unclear title, sorry.
Tirawi: You may want to just clarify that real quick in the op at top.
| 5 | 13 | |
1352167381 | 1352421786 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU breaking my noes by blowing it.
So as the title says I just broke my nose. I have a nasty cold so was clearing it out, forgot to brace the opposite side of my nose, pressed down, and then *SNAP* "FUCK!"
Now I am looking in the mirror at a crooked nose and is swelling up
Needless to say I will be going to the dr tomorrow to confirm.
[deleted]: Wow, you must really get enthusiastic about your nose blowing.
JustLetMeComment: There are few first world problems worse than a completely plugged nose. You want that fucker CLEAR.
| 3 | 3 | |
1352173462 | 1352181363 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my brothers jar of Vaseline on my lips.
So reddit, I will share my crisis with you. I'm a younger brother who's older brother moved out about 5 years ago, the two of us had shared a bathroom. Anyways I'm doing the routine in my bathroom like any other morning: brushing, showering, combing etc. when I open my drawer and come across a jar mostly of Vaseline. Given I'm a rather naive teenager I had no clue what that people would use Vaseline as a lubricant for masturbation. I ignore the jar in bliss.
Weeks pass and I'm starting to get chapped lips, when I hear from a teacher of mine that Vaseline will heal chap lips better than lip balm or chap stick. I covered my lips with the stuff.
A week passes again and I hear a some joke from my friend about Vaseline and masturbating. I was confused by the joke so I asked him why the joke involved Vaseline. I learned quickly.
**TL;DR: I used my brother's years old jar of Vaseline that I found in our bathroom on my lips to keep them from chapping. Fuck me right?**
atc_like_a_boss: Do you understand how it works though? He dipped his fingers in there like you did, you touched your lips he touched his dick. You don't cum in the jar for later use. So you literally did nothing wrong. Just pretend he had chapped lips too.
[deleted]: What if he double dipped? He most likely did double dip...
atc_like_a_boss: Im trying to be positive here, for his sake!!
[deleted]: I don't think he used it for fapping though. Wouldn't you take your puberty with you if you left?
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1352174776 | 1352247035 | null | t5_2to41 | 485 | AirOrFourOhFour: TIFU and sent a Dick pic for the first time - to the wrong contact
Today I was texting a woman who wanted me to come over for, you know, science. She was relentless in pleading for a picture of my equipment and I held out for as long as I could for many reasons - I never send erotic pictures because of the many ways it backfire, come back to haunt later, or otherwise just go wrong. And go wrong it did. The desirous woman intended to go to my work function the next day, and while I was preparing the picture, one of my coworkers sent me a text message about the same event. In a lapse of attention to detail, I responded to the text from my coworker with a picture of an erect penis.
The conversation went like this:
coworker: where do we park tomorrow?
me: idk. here's a picture [of an erection]
I immediately realized what I had done and sprinted to intercept my colleague's phone, but the damage was done.
EDIT - Here's the rest of the story, asked for and given in comments, but I figure I'll put it up here for ease of reading: I found the coworker and he immediately looked up at me and said "WHAT THE FUCK?" I took his phone and deleted the message and asked him not to share the story with anyone. He kindly agreed. (He's my subordinate, so it worked out nicely) I was mortified for the rest of the weekend. Upon inspection of my inbox for the next person it could have been accidentally sent to were: my mother, my sister, and a group text message between 10 coworkers (both male and female, including my supervisor)
turtlekitty30: Did you send Ms. Science the pic? And get some dick parking?
AirOrFourOhFour: yes
TravestyTravis: Picture of her parking spot? For science.
AirOrFourOhFour: It's already up - just google image search "vagina"
TravestyTravis: That's like saying, "Go to redtube, it's the same as /r/gonewild".
It just doesn't satisfy quite as well...
AirOrFourOhFour: true. I've thought about posting the picture of Mrs. Science to the internet as revenge because our encounter was insanely fucked up - but that's a whole other story.
jebcrum: It would against all rules and retiquette to not deliver on this story. Out with it.
AirOrFourOhFour: I'm considering it. I have many stories worth telling, but I would not want someone who knows me to recognize one of my tamer stories and connect it to the annals of my nefarious misadventures, which range in gravity from reprehensible to abhorrent.
turtlekitty30: Make a throwaway and PM us the link. I'm home sick and would really appreciate it. Almost to the point of sending you a boob pic.
[deleted]: I've got stories!!!
turtlekitty30: Bring them!
nfreakoss: Are we trading stories for tits now?
| 13 | 37.307692 | |
1352178365 | 1352263891 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | Klainette: TIFU by picking a shitty roommate.
My family is in a bit of a precarious financial situation so we rented out our spare bedroom to someone. Dude is a 20-year old college student who, to be honest, looks a bit like a chubbier version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. (that's pretty irrelevant though.) Anyways, TLDR version: he randomly disappeared for like two weeks, we found drugs in his room (which is right next to my 12-year old's room), and his dad called to tell us he was coming by to pick up his stuff and then move out. He also didn't pay his rent for the month of November.
We go to check in his room, and it was a fucking pig sty. I'm talking 20+ pizza boxed littered across the floor, toothbrush laying in a pile of cigarette packs, trash and dirty laundry in haphazard piles on the ground, and a floor that was in need of much more than a vacuum.
The guy apparently came while we weren't home, and he stole my phone charger, potted mini-cactus, drawing tablet pen (not the tablet, just the pen) and my Gamecube. Wtf? Who. steals. that. shit.
Now I can't play Animal Crossing ):
[deleted]: Meh. It was only a gamecube. This is a sign that it's time to get an Xbox and buy Halo 4.
theflying6969: gamecube's still pretty dope
Batmans_Cumbox: But it doesn't play Halo.
erik29gamer: But it plays Zelda. Therefore it wins.
Batmans_Cumbox: TBH, I was never interested in the Zelda franchise. Oh shit, I just opinion'd. I welcome the downvotes.
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1352179045 | 1352249252 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Helios177: TIFU by Breaking Bad
Was bored, way to impatient and lazy to wait for my Breaking Bad torrent and I googled "watch Breaking Bad online" clicked sketchy link then I realized "Fuck! Sketchy page probably has virus" then proceeded to get BSoD and pop ups, so I sent it in at my schools last week fo Quarter and could not type up essays, messy hand writing got me mediocre grades.
TL;DR: Breaking Bad fucked my grades
sukit_tribeck: next time use www.watchseries.eu
sukit_tribeck: and Add Blocker Pro for firefox or chrome
Helios177: Cool thanks :D
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1352185735 | 1352262359 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally having sex with my gauged penis (slightly NSFW)
Like the title says I had a hole in my penis (more specifically the frenum) and during a night of drinking decided to put a size 6 plug through the hole. Being under the influence of several jager bombs I didn't feel it at all. I woke up the next day and still didn't feel it I even forgot about I had it in I didn't even feel the plug and proceed through the whole day like nothing happened. Later that night my girlfriend decided to get hot and sexy. One thing led to another and the lights were turned off, I start to have sex when I get an extreme pain in my penis, I brushed it off and continued but harder. Thats when the pain got over the top and I couldn't stand it anymore I pull out to take a break hoping the pain will go away when my girlfriend turns on the light and screams. She saw my penis and couldn't understand what was on my penis. When I calmed her down we tried to go at it again without the gauge but the pain is still unbearable. It's been a week and it still hurts...
EDIT: In light to all the questions about the gauge here's a little side story, I was having sex with the same girlfriend and she was wearing tight shorts, we tried to push it to the side and just do it anyways (we were at her house and couldn't get caught). Mid sex we realize there is blood not much but enough to sound an alarm we both thought it was her and stopped. It wasn't until the next day that I looked down and there it was a noticeable hole in my penis. With normal "wear and tear" the hole has gotten bigger which is why the size six gauge fit snug.
[deleted]: wait.. wait.. wait..
one simply doesnt place a plug in his penis. was it a silicon plug? or did you just straight up force a plug in a small hole? no taper?
phillywillyhead: I already had the hole and the plug fit perfectly
jax7246: so did you already have the hole from a past piercing, or...?
phillywillyhead: I had the hole from a previous "sex accident"
jax7246: That's actually a pretty gnarly way to get a hole in your dick.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1352221870 | 1352224338 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | Muckles: Tifu my driving lesson
I just realy fucked up my driving lesson (just one lesson and not the final exam). Basically I was driving to fast (what I normaly never do), I was missing the same highway 3 times and I was driving too far on the right side. I know that isn't funny or interresting as the other posts here but I just wanted to let you guys know about it becaus I am feeling very very bad about it and I have no one I could tell this.
Erikster: You were wayyyy to nervous it seems.
You'll get better. You'll get it next time.
Muckles: Thank you very much for your answer. I am starting to feel beter :)
Erikster: Been there, done that. It's not a big deal.
Just, don't hit anybody on your final exam :P
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1352231458 | 1352240111 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | oc974: TIFU I voted Libertarian in a swing state
I'm normally an Obama supporter, but I figured "Hey, all my other friends are probably going to vote for him too." Besides I'm a Libertarian at heart. On my way to lunch I saw so many Romney supporters (Virginia is a very important state in the election, because in the last one we went blue for the first time). I eventually found out all my friends either are not voting or many of them aren't even citizens. My one chance to be a part of history in an important election and I basically was too busy picking my nose.
novanerd: From VA too. You did well not wasting your vote on a candidate you don't really agree with. This is not a TIFU, it's a TIDR (Today I Did Right).
oc974: We should both move to /r/braveryjerk
novanerd: So brave.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1352227356 | 1352311692 | null | t5_2to41 | 284 | armersuender: TIFU and texted myself the time to wake up instead of actually setting my alarm.
Yup and woke up three hours late. Hopefully nothing eventful happened in class. : \
Autumnsprings: so um...when the hell did you receive the text?
armersuender: Probably shortly after I sent it, but I had my phone on silent and put it down right after sending the message.. I was asleep within seconds of hitting the pillow which was seconds within me setting the phone down.. haha..
Autumnsprings: oh that makes so much more sense now. i was wth did you think the text was.
armersuender: I honestly have no idea why I thought I was setting my alarm -- although that was the intent. I mean it is an older phone -- flip phones FTW -- and, as I said previously, alcohol was involved.. But, sure enough, here I am waking up to a text that says "530"..
Autumnsprings: so how long did it take for the oh shit reaction to kick in?
armersuender: actually? quite awhile, I've got to say: first off, it was already a hazy 'morning', so I didn't quite pay attention to who the text was from (read: me) thinking is was a mistext in a sea of other messages.. whatever.jpg -- So, I turn on the radio (talk; KFI in LA) and go take a shower.. I get out and do my thing then all the sudden, 'cause I think I woke up before the alarm, the host says the time and. it. fucking.. clicks...
edit: grammar duck sez...
Autumnsprings: oh damn. ok, one last question. did you still rush around? or were you like meh, fuck it, i'm already late?
armersuender: Given that I completely missed my first class and had an hour and half until my next, I D.G.A.F... haha.. but, seriously, I went to the pub and had a beer and did some homework, all slow style. : )
| 9 | 31.555556 | |
1352240304 | 1359674416 | null | t5_2to41 | 2,397 | _wait_what_now: TIFU by getting my hand stuck in a tampon dispenser machine
in the bathroom at work, i realized i needed a tampon. i found my last quarter, thought "Wow, this'll be the first time i've ever used one of [these machines](http://www.picable.com/Architecture/Interior/Wacky-Industrial-Bathroom.29698) !" and turned the knob. the tampon got stuck half-way, so i put my hand up the slot to grab it.
3 seconds after opening my clawed hand inside the machine, i knew i was fucked. i couldn't get my hand back out. i was stuck in the tampon machine, in the bathroom, at WORK.
dying of embarrassment, i tried to open the box (it was locked), & briefly thought "What was that James Franco movie where he was stuck somewhere? Did I ever see that? How did that end?"
it took me a good 5 minutes before i could twist my body around to grab soap from the hand pump, which i applied to the machine's slot in an idiotic attempt to slip my hand out. no dice.
eventually, someone came in and found me, red-faced & near tears, soap dripping down both hands, and she got a custodian.
i will NEVER live this down. i am buying 300 boxes of Tampax pearls tonight.
happiness_isawarmgun: no comments yet, surprising for this one. Sorry that happened to you, thats pretty damn embarrassing, and yet another reason im glad i came out male
_wait_what_now: uhg, once a month i experience extreme penis envy
AlphaQRough: At least you can fire continuously without having to reload...
wanabeswordsman: Guys have shotguns, girls have gatling guns.
bmward105: Shotguns, pump once and ready to fire. Gatling guns, some take a lokg time to get the barrel up to speed
_wait_what_now: just wanted to say, i am heartily enjoying all of these genitalia/weapons jokes
bmward105: Your genitals are more like a slingshot
honorious: A slingshot that shoots babies.
bmward105: Babies of ants
B_Man364: Children of the Corn
Fkhdass: Raisins of Poop
| 12 | 199.75 | |
1352241174 | 1352304335 | null | t5_2to41 | 118 | skrillexisokay: TIFU wiping
College student. Dealing with business in the bathroom in my hall. I'm not sure how it happened, but I somehow managed to leave a piece of toilet paper on my ass. I guess I started wiping and then didn't finish it off by dropping the paper in the bowl. Little did I know, the tail of the defiled paper was hanging out of the back of my underwear and pants.
I then proceed to walk into the main lounge where about fifteen of my hall mates are hanging out, as well as our RA. Of course one notices immediately and points it out loudly, laughing. Completely unaware of the drastic consequences that would soon ensue, I quickly pulled the paper out of my pants, revealing a decent sized shit stain.
Laughter ceased entirely, one girl said "EWWWWWW" and covered her eyes while everyone else stared or awkwardly averted their gaze. Then everyone burst into laughter as I, quite embarrassed, retreated into my room. I haven't left my room since.
Today, I fucked up.
sukit_tribeck: well done! Male or female?
[deleted]: I don't know how I got to this part of the internet.
sukit_tribeck: its a slippery slope my friend.
green072410: You really don't want to know what makes it slippery.
| 5 | 23.6 | |
1352251670 | 1352259228 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | esh484: TIFU and didn't register to vote in time so I couldn't vote.
I'm a dick.
Erikster: Alright. Then don't whine if you don't get the results you want.
esh484: Believe me, I wasn't planning on it.
Erikster: Alrighty then....
So, planning on voting next election?
esh484: Absolutely.
Erikster: Good to hear.
| 6 | 1 | |
1352251095 | 1352414379 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | throwawayshittypanda: TIFU by flooding the bathroom
I live in a college dorm, and my room shares a bathroom with the room next door. Think of two rooms, connected by a single bathroom. Also, our plumbing here REALLY sucks.
I needed to take a massive shit, and figured our toilet could handle it. I was REALLY wrong. I clogged the damn toilet up, and was working on unclogging it. I thought i'd unclogged it, and went to flush. It wasn't unclogged.
The toilet water went everywhere. And kept coming. Plus I couldn't find the spot to switch the water off right away. Its a small bathroom, and by the time I got it stopped, i was wading through half an inch of shitty water. But it gets better!
How the fuck do you clean up half an inch of shitty water off the bathroom floor when you don't have access to the floor mop? You use all your own towels. And multiple rolls of paper towels. Then kneeling on that floor again as you lysol the fuck out of everything. Basically, you get to wade through your own shit to get the water up. Then you get on your hands and knees in your own shit to disinfect and clean everything.
Did I mention I've been eating [Boo Berries](http://www.thegreenhead.com/imgs/boo-berry-cereal-box-2.jpg) all day? It was bright blue.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
Edit: I can't grammar.
TLDR: Blue poop. Everywhere.
xank79: I've never actually seen a toilet flood. I've seen them clogged - flushing just makes the water rise and it stops when it hits the rim of the bowl. Is this just another difference in American toilet design?
throwawayshittypanda: I honestly think it just depends on how well you clog it.
The first time i flushed, it did stop at the rim of the bowl.
But I clogged it really well, and there wasn't anywhere else for the water to go the second time, when I thought it was unclogged.. :(
i_poop_mcdonalds: You didn't have a plunger?...as soon as i notice the water draining slowly, whip that plunger out and plug the shit out of it...literally.
throwawayshittypanda: I... I did have a plunger. I plunged for at least 5 minutes before I was sure that it must be unplugged.
It wasn't.
| 5 | 7.2 | |
1352254874 | 1352261894 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | poisondwarf: TIFU by getting embarrassingly drunk, passing out on the side of the road, losing my new phone, buying a new one then having somebody find it
I got completely hammered on Monday night and made a fool of myself at a local club. During the 5km stumble home, I apparently lost my new HTC One XL phone. I hadn't had this phone even a month and being on a two year contract with no insurance plan I was really pissed off.
I had actually passed out on the side of the road in the early hours of the morning, and from what I can remember I had a kind gentleman help me the rest of the way home. I can't believe I got that drunk, and I feel so bad yet grateful for that man. I've decided to quit drinking as a result.
So the following day, I find the same model phone on ebay for very cheap, and thought I should not pass up on the opportunity, so being the impulsive buyer I am, I bought it...
...I get a call a few hours ago from a kind fellow who had found my old phone. Great. There was a big storm that night, so I'm not sure of its condition. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
SuperNinKenDo: Ouch, well, damn. Maybe you could give the cheap phone to the guy who found your real one, or the man that helped you home?
poisondwarf: I'd like to thank and compensate the man that helped me home but I did not get his details. As for the guy who found my phone, I will be rewarding him, but maybe not with the new phone; when I said "very cheap", it still cost me $500. I will probably end up selling it.
SuperNinKenDo: Ah, ouch man. That really does suck then huh. Well I guess you can wait and see what condition your phone is in and then decide what you want to do.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1352260201 | 1352275529 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | johnshumaucher55: TIFU by eating my dog's poo!
Two nights ago my Mom made some awesome brownies, was having them cool in the fridge, and we had to put my dog's poo in the freezer overnight for the vet, I got mixed up late in the night, crawled out of bed and ate the dog poo out of the fridge instead of my Mom's brownies. Realized with the first bite, but I'd already swallowed, oh well I guess I pooped it out by now.
I can still taste it though...
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
:*(
tldr: mixed up Mom's cookies with dog poo, ate one bite of the dog poo, and it came out the other end! bleh!
Here's the booger that did the deed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnQ-VlyUqwQ
makemydaybiatch: [THAT'S JUST STUPID]
(http://t.qkme.me/3opwzh.jpg)
ilovecuminhair: [THAT'S JUST STUPID]
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/24235848.jpg)
THATSJUSTSTUPID11: [THAT'S JUST STUPID]
(http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/7/19/cbb12e5e-2a16-4c51-a9e9-b83903b86658.jpg)
pissdrinkershiteater: [THAT'S JUST STUPID]
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/28046099.jpg)
eatshitSmalls: [THAT'S JUST STUPID]
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/18165876.jpg)
todayifuckedyou: [THAT'S JUST STUPID]
(http://assets.diylol.com/hfs/106/711/0ce/resized/bocca-meme-generator-yeah-right-030038.jpg?1311280837.jpg)
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1352159386 | 1352267786 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | spunkytime: TIFU by losing my phone twice in one night.
I haven't had power for a week so I was at a bar where my friend is the bartender and was charging my phone. I went up to Penn Station to catch the train home and realized I had left my phone so I waited for her while she came uptown and gave it back to me. Half an hour later, I caught the train home and decided to charge my phone some more with the on-board outlets. When I got to my station, I got off the train and as soon as the doors closed behind me I realized I had left my phone charging. I got home and hysterically cried my eyes out because I had no way of letting my parents/bf know I was still alive because I had no cell phone, the power was still out so no internet access, and no working landlines. I sat in the cold, and dark until I fell asleep. My parents left the movie they were in the middle of (they went for the warmth) after calling my phone and it was answered by a spanish man (I am not spanish or a man). He said he would call back in the morning but my phone is still off.
**TL:DR I lost my phone twice in one night, it was taken by a stranger who said he would call back and never did**
Taitoui: Littering and littering and littering and littering and littering and smoking the reefer
spunkytime: That's heavy.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1352272330 | 1352327803 | null | t5_2to41 | 130 | [deleted]: TIFU and ended up naked in bed eating cake batter
I'm a nurse and I just started taking sleeping pills to try to help with the shift work. Because I give out the exact same medication to half my patients at night with no adverse affects, I read into the side effects but didn't take the obscure ones seriously. Turns out I should have paid more attention to sleep-walking and memory loss because last night I apparently jumped out of bed, told my boyfriend I was making a cake, and staggered off to the kitchen. He says I then came back into the bedroom, took off my clothes, and ate an entire bowl of cake batter in bed naked. I thought it was a funny story, but when I told the nurses at work, they did a lot less laughing and a lot more inquiring into my "mental state". I guess this is the best place to add that I work in Mental Health and Addictions.... and now my nurse friends are treating me like a psych ward patient...
MadMikeLove: nice. Did the whole bowl make you feel like shit in the morning?
[deleted]: Nope! But washing the batter stains out of my bedding wasn't the greatest to thing to come home to.
And now I have no cake. That sucks.
[deleted]: So... the cake was a lie?
[deleted]: It never made it into the cake form.
[deleted]: Then the cake was a lie.
ShadowBlade69: I don't think OP got the reference.... Sad day for humanity.
| 7 | 18.571429 | |
1352265056 | 1352294136 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by rolling a joint and now I am being drug tested
So anyways it was Halloween and me and my friends decided to roll a joint. we were all worried about how we might get drug tested by one of these two scenarios: 1 cops might catch us 2 we might have an annual physical exam from our doctors. so forward to today i just bought 4 grams of it and i was paranoid. so i did not get any chance to roll a joint from the time-frame of Halloween to now because i just learnt that my physical is tomorrow. so Reddit this day of Halloween i fucked up.
Tl; Dr i rolled a joint during Halloween and my physical is tommorow
number311: I've never had to do a urinalysis during a physical and even so I do not think that the doctors can say anything, but advise you to stop.
Slavakion: Yeah, they're checking for diabetes or blood, not marijuana.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1352285813 | 1352338180 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | bornes: TIFU by listening to a fake thunderstorm to put myself to sleep
I recently moved into my grandparents home. They have TVs on constantly, even to sleep. One of them is semi-deaf so it is super loud. Lately I have been going to sleep via a white noise generating website so I don't have to hear the voices all night.
Tonight I decided to try something new and listen to a rainstorm instead. The track is an hour long and I had it on loop. It has random loud thunder at points.
While the 'climax' of the nightmare had nothing to do with rainstorms, the nightmare ended with someone being hit by lightning. I am now laying here at 6am shaking and posting this with the light in my room on, afraid to be in the dark by myself.
I am 25.
abelcc: Share the white noise and rainstorm sites.
I'll tell you if the same thing happens to me with rainstorm sound.
[deleted]: http://simplynoise.com the rainstorm is near the bottom with a free download. The noise I normally sleep to is the brown noise at the top.
Thro-A-Weigh: >brown noise
You fall asleep to the sound of farts? That's pretty gross, even for a redditor.
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1352301243 | 1352342951 | null | t5_2to41 | 878 | MadSusie: TIFU putting my lasagna in the oven.
I spent an hour making home made lasagna, and just when I was about to put it in the oven...I missed. The pan tipped over, and everything spilled out.
http://imgur.com/l8ITU
FluorescentShadow: did this with a pan of what we call here 'Wedding cookies' <just some nuts in some light buttery dough, rolled in powedered sugar 40 times>
Took me 2 hours to fill the pan, 2 seconds to dump it on the coil in the stove.
DeathHaze420: Do you mean the element in the stove? Why is your oven element a coil? It's usually a rectangle
FluorescentShadow: The Element. [Here. Complete with the scorched remains of the cookies.](http://imgur.com/Nruid)
DeathHaze420: So it isn't a coil haha.
FluorescentShadow: Shush, I got confuzzled. >:(
:P
pricelessNZ: TIL *confuzzled*
FluorescentShadow: I like to think that I made it up myself :)
WorshipThyBacon: Been saying that one for years sorry
FluorescentShadow: ohnoe >:o
| 10 | 87.8 | |
1352272001 | 1352314768 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | MadMikeLove: TIFU by spilling my pubes everywhere.
(actually about a week ago but put off till now to post it.)
No throaway. I fully admit this stupid fucking mistake.
My mother bought me a hair trimmer for facial hair about 3 years ago, but since I clean it pretty often, I also use it to manscape. Since I cant buzz it off outside due to the fact that i live in an apartment complex, I do it in the bathroom. But since I think it's too dirty to buzz it all over the tile then sweep it up (as some of the mess would inevitably be left over) I stood on top of a huge bathroom towel.
Lesson #1: don't do that.
I wrapped it up after I was finished into a giant balled wad and threw it in my laundry hamper.
Lesson #2: If you must do that, dump that shit immediately.
as I ran out of clean clothes I started pulling dirties out of my hamper to turn all my socks outside-in as well as all my other clothes as i was about to do laundry. So then I reach the towel, and pull it out from one end after pulling the whole thing out of the hamper.
Pubes. Pubes everywhere.
The clothes I was wearing, the carpet, my hamper, and some on my bed.
I stood frozen for about 15 seconds as I "noped" uncontrollably.
EDIT: formatting, and exaggerated statement omitted.
mast3r0r0m1s: Do it over the toilet dude...all the mess you really have to clean up is wiping the stuff that fell on the rim.
MadMikeLove: i thought about this afterwards. I just needed to let everyone know how stupid I was haha
| 3 | 9 | |
1352315650 | 1352389850 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU Falling asleep at the wheel
TIFU by falling asleep at the wheel. I was driving home from a friends house last night after smoking down and watching biodome (great movie I know). The whole drive I had been tired as hell, both from sleep deprivation and being stoned. I had been struggling to keep my eyes open and had went off the road a couple times due to almost falling asleep on the drive. I considered pulling off but was only a mile from my house so decided to struggle on. A half mile later I wake up to the feeling of my car going over something other then asphalt. I open my eyes to see a tree before my car, then next thing I know my car slams into the tree head on and the airbag slaps me in the face. I was able to get out of the car, despite the engine being pushed into the floorboard. I wasn't hurt too bad, so I get out of the car and instinctively call my dad. While I was waiting for him to get up and get there, I checked out my car. The front end/engine was completed smashed into the rest of the car. The state trooper took four hours to get to the scene, I just wanted to haul the car off because my family has tractors, trailers, etc. But my dad being the law abiding citizen he is felt it was his responsibility to call the law. I suppose I should tell you I crashed into a tree on a family friends private property, and she had no interest in filing charges. When the cop got there, the lady who's property it was told her it was alright and that she didn't want to press charges. Still the trooper wrote me a ticket for a bald tire and for reckless driving, totally up to 1000$ worth of fees and court costs. And if that isn't enough, the airbag broke my glasses. TIFU.
TL;DR
Fell asleep at the wheel, hit a tree, totaled my car, and got fined out the ass even though no damage was done. Also broke my glasses.
TotalCreep: You really fucked up. Lesson learned I hope? You're lucky you didn't kill someone else.
cstoned: It was a back road, hardly driven. I didn't cross into the other lane and no other cars passed the whole time I had to wait for the officer.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1352316115 | 1352382954 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | WolfDawg: TIFU by falling asleep...
So today during a lecture based around the history of design, we were covering the changes to graphic design due to the changes in other forms of art. Then it hit me, I could feel my eyes closing slowly, my body collapsing on itself, and my head drooping down.
I gave in for what seemed like half a second then reopened my eyes to see two or three of the classmates i frequently talk too staring at me, two of them snickering. The female classmate asks me if I had a nice nap. I instantly look around somewhat shocked, in a drowsy haze to see all the new notes on the board. I jerk up instantly and try to copy down the notes before they're erased, only to find out the class is over now. I slept away a two hour lecture. TIFU.
EDIT: I should probably mention that I have a bit of a sinus problem so I end up snoring involuntarily sometimes, which was probably the case when I fell asleep.
ikarios: Freshman?
WolfDawg: Is it that obvious?
ikarios: Falling asleep in class is pretty much par for the course for some people. Happens to everyone.
Falconhaxx: True.
The reason freshmen fall asleep in class while more seasoned students don't is that freshmen actually go to class.
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1352320740 | 1352330138 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | mynamescortlandt: TIFU by walking and talking bareback...
http://i.imgur.com/7snlQ.jpg just about says it all
ShadowBlade69: I'm slightly confused (not a smartphone owner): does bareback refer to not having a case to protect it?
[deleted]: I hope so haha. It a joke between my friends cause its like, "using a phone without protection"
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1352338087 | 1352342785 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by picking up a fake spider decoration.
It wasn't a fake spider decoration.
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
UndercoverThetan: I going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but there was a story just like this, which made it to at least the first few pages of reddit, only like 1-3 days ago. Prepare to defend yourself lad.
FluorescentShadow: Didn't know that, it was something funny my boyfriend had said. Think I should take it down?
UndercoverThetan: It should be fine, but posts on here tend to be better if the are from a first-person experience. They have more of a back story and are usually more entertaining, and most people can tell the difference between that and a faked/stretched/unoriginal post. Even then most of them just go completely unnoticed. There is a lot of luck involved I guess.
| 4 | 1.5 |
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