start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1407449760 | 1407452432 | t3_2cxc12 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Forever_Man: TIFU by eating a cupcake.
Pablo_expat: That's not a fucked up...is just an anecdote
Forever_Man: Fair point there friend, I guess having red poop seemed more fucked up than it is.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407449788 | 1407494061 | t3_2cxc2l | t5_2to41 | 7 | Usernade: TIFU by insulting Barbara Streisand
I'm sorry and I hope this is ok because like so many...I did not do this today. reddit I fucked up in 1981-82. I was 7-8 years old at the time I really don't remember. My father had become acquaintances/friends with Barbara Streisand through a mutual friend. I know he was excited about the friendship and it was important to him. We had just moved into a new home and I was home alone when there was a knock at the kitchen door. I went to the door and a woman was standing outside. She looked vaguely familiar, i failed to notice that her face was also on the album cover of the records she held in her hand.
"Are your parents home?", she asked.
I assume I said, "No they are at work..." or something to that effect.
"I bought these over for them, would you give them to them?" , she said although I admit I'm not sure these were her exact words but I am sure that she handed me the two albums. (I now know the album was "Love Songs" since the image was burned on my brain after my dad found out what happened).
I looked at the record and read the name Barbara Streisand, I had heard the name but nothing registered. The records were signed but that left no impression on me. I had my own ideas about music and at that age and if it was not The Police or The Beatles then it just wasn't my type of music. I took a quick look at the two albums and put them to my litmus test.
Was it the Police? No. Was it the Beatles? No. Classification: not for me.
Disappointed I thanked the woman for the gift to my parents on behalf of my parents I said, "Thanks, but I don't think my parents like her very much." I will never know where this statement came. For a brief moment the woman looked shocked and then she smiled and left.
Later when my parents got home and saw the albums on the kitchen counter I remember relaying, "Some lady brought them by for you."
About a week later my dad sat me down and asked me a few questions about what I had said to the woman who dropped off the records and explained to me that I had just talked out of my ass on his behalf to someone whom he wished I had not.
For years after that "I don't think my parents like her very much...." was all that needed to be said to me to make me turn quite red and have childhood panic sweats. TIFU by saying something I will always regret and never forget.
edit: Tl:Dr
Tl:Dr I told Barbara my parents didn't like her when I had no idea what I was talking about.
sonic_sabbath: So.... how did it end up?
I suppose your father just explained it to her and things were smoothed over, but did it just destroy the whole friendship?
Usernade: No, I believe they laughed about it later, but I know he was embarrassed.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407450344 | 1407607004 | t3_2cxd0y | t5_2to41 | 8 | fostersgold: TIFU: by throwing out practically important document that I own.
Just had the most sickening realisation that in the process of clearing out all my stuff ready to move out that I threw away a folder containing:
Paper driver license
MOT documents
Service History
Registration docs
Infact the only documents I have left to my name are my degree certificate and my passport.
I threw it all out yesterday, went to the uni security and found out that all of the big bins are emptied daily. I have no way of getting it back.
I was hoping to sell this car, which my parents bought me. The value will now be shot, if anyone would even buy it at all. It kills me even worse that they'll be understanding and help me out.
TIFU. Pretty fucking depressed about it aswell.
Fuck. Don't know where to start on sorting this out.
jshuster: I don't know where you are, but with some patience and perseverance, you should be able to replace every document, I've had to a couple of times
fostersgold: UK. Thank you, I'll begin the process tomorrow morning.
jshuster: May the odds be ever in your favor!
| 4 | 2 | |
1407296584 | 1407455193 | t3_2cr6tn | t5_2to41 | 5 | TheMrGladius: TIFU by being caught jerking off in a friends bathroom
This wasn't today, however it was just a couple of days ago.
TL;DR Went to friends house, needed to jerkoff, got caught and then laughed at later about it.
For the entire summer I had been up at my grandfathers house helping him clean out his shop (former construction worker) and I had the chance to go back home for the weekend, and spend some time with friends. The day after I got back my friend texts me asking if I am home yet, I reply saying yes, and he asks if I want to come spend the night at his house, I reply yes and start getting my things togther to head over to his house. After I get there, me and said friend catch up and see whats up with eachother (hadn't seen bro in a couple of months) fast forward a few hours later and our other friend shows up. (he was at work for most of the day) So everyones here and its time to have play some games and watch movies! Fast forward a couple of days and I noticed that I had a random hard-on. Now keep in mind i don't really mind random hard-ons, but i hadn't gotten off to anything for a few days so this one was extra special. I tell my friends (who are playing counter strike and have headphones on) that i am going to the restroom, I thought they had heard me but oh boy was I wrong. So here I enter the restroom(door locked or so i thought) and I pretend to lift the lid of the toilet, and make them think i was using the toilet, Pants off and on the floor and i found a great porn thread on 4chan so i decided to get off to it. What I didn't know was that the door of the restroom actually doesn't close all the way and you have to give it a little extra push to make sure it closed, but I didn't know that so hooray for me. One of my friends comes to play a prank on me by opening the door slightly and turning off the lights. (was 3 o'clock in the morning) as soon as he opened that door, and saw my head on the ground he closes the door and says "what the fuck?" (theres a corner before you reach the toilet and shower) I quickly get up and pull up my shorts, flush the toilet, and walk out. i walk in and ask my friend what the fuck was he opened the door, in which he replied "was gonna turn of the lights bro, I didn't think you were jerking off man" so we talk about it and they're cool with it but still laughing at me about it. we head downstairs and watch a movie while they taunt me when i had to go to the restroom about "jerking off again" and "use toilet paper bro"
sonofakira: this was all i could think about the random boner.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOYQtbz_pPg
TheMrGladius: "No random boner!"
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407453228 | 1407500380 | t3_2cxhtg | t5_2to41 | 16 | CobiaHunter: TIFU by running over and killing my dog
I live on a small farm, and had two dogs, a 12-year-old Chihuahua and a 2-year-old Toy Poodle. On Tuesday when I came home, my husband had already gotten home and let them out. After I came in the front gate, the dogs both ran up to my truck, like they always do. I always drive slowly, and watch the dogs because it has always been my fear that they would get too close to the truck. I did this on Tuesday, too. They ran alongside the truck, and I could see them in my side mirror. Suddenly, I felt a bump. Now, our driveway is just grass, and there are many bumps in it, but they all go down. This was a bump up. I looked in the mirror again and could only see the poodle. I stopped the truck and got out, and looked behind it and thought I saw the chihuahua lying in the driveway. I couldn't even go look, though. I called to my husband, who saw me doubled over and freaking out, and he came running. I told him that I thought I ran over the chihuahua. He went back to where I was pointing, and confirmed it. He was dead. The truck must have broken his neck. I couldn't figure out why he would just run under the wheel like that. Thinking about it, I remembered how the poodle would always playfully run into him, and with his advancing age, would sometimes knock him off balance. This is what I think happened. We haven't told anyone what really happened, just that we found him dead. Since his health was declining anyway, everyone just assumes it was old age. But I can't get over the guilt and horror of it.
Queentoad1: I'm so sorry for this loss. Please don't beat yourself up. You and the dogs were doing what you've done a thousand times before without incident. This was a terrible accident. I don't see that you need to explain to anyone what happened. A simple 'we lost him' is enough. Certainly you feel guilt and horror, that's a natural part of grieving. But try to be gentle with yourself and give some extra love to your poodle, because I'm sure he's missing his old friend, too. Take care.
CobiaHunter: Thank you
GiardiaMD: A friend of of mine had a dog die this way. Till this day he claims that if saved his life because it was running around trying to get my friend (then about 8 years old) away from the reversing car his dad was driving. Wasn't the dads fault either for not being careful I guess. Just one of those freak accidents.
| 4 | 4 | |
1407453692 | 1407457267 | t3_2cxijq | t5_2to41 | 6 | cindyscrazy: TIFU by being honest at Animal Control
Background - I own my own house and my sister and her family moved in a few years ago. She lives here free of charge, but makes dinner and cleans the house. She is a VERY loud and opinionated person.
Today, me and my 15 year old daughter went to the animal shelter to take pics of one of their animals for an adoption flier I'm making. My sister had made me promise not to bring home an animal (yeah, well...)
After taking the pictures, we looked at the kittens and my daughter totally fell in love with a little black kitten name Abby. My daughter did the "Oh mommy, I really really want it though" eyes and I melted. This shelter doesn't do same day adoptions, so **technically** I won't be bringing an animal home **today**! :D
In filling out the application, I honestly state the currently non-human occupants of my house. I have my former feral male named Neo, and my sisters fat female named Brin. Neo has recently been to the vet, so he's up on his shots. However, my sister has never brought her cat to the vet. She even took the cat in to a some kind of free clinic as a "feral" to get her fixed (Brin now has a notched ear)
Only after filling in the paperwork, the animal control officer tells me that she cannot even consider the application because Brin has not had her shots, especially rabies.
My daughter tried to talk to my sister to convince her to get the rabies shot, even offering paying for the shots and taking the cat, but my sister loudly refused and started swearing "She's fine, I'm not gonna give my cat rabies" (really sis, she's not gonna get rabies from the vaccination!)
My daughter is now crying and my sister is pissed off. I don't really wanna lie and say that the cat got her shots because I won't be able to back it up with facts. And then they won't ever want to let me adopt because I'm a known liar.
TL;DR - Told the truth on adoption application, pissed everyone in my house off.
Edit - To everyone asking why I won't kick her out. I sorta raised her. I did a piss poor job of it, but give me a break, I started when I was 2 years old and didn't have a whole lot of parental inspiration. (I had parents, but they also were piss poor) Kicking her out feels like kicking out my kid. This is killing me inside.
fedupmanager: excuse me, you're sister is afraid to give her cat rabies by giving it a rabies shot? Unless this cat never ever sets foot outside it has the risk of contracting rabies and giving it to your daughter. M-I-L had a cat that hadn't had the rabies shot and it caught rabies-F-I-L had to shoot it to stop it going for the dog. Also put down the kittens it just gave birth to.
edit: tell your selfish sister to grow up and be more responsible
cindyscrazy: She is selfish. She also has a very short fuse. I start talking to her calmly and she blows up. Unfortunately, my sister is the only person alive that has the ability to make me go "red" and try to kill people. I wish I were kidding. I once went after her with the actual intention of punching her skull in, and I tried very hard.
I'm sorta afraid we will come to blows and someone will end up in the hospital if I have an actual fight with her.
Not to mention the fact that she has been known to uproot her sons' lives by leaving their living arrangements to go live in a tent when she couldn't get her way. (One of her sons is now 18, so he's at least safe now. Also, he agrees with me in this whole thing)
Teotwawki69: Why the hell are you even letting her live in your house rent free, then? Grow a pair and if she wants to have a childish tantrum and go live in a tent, let her. Stop being a doormat in your own house.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407453143 | 1407455583 | t3_2cxhor | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by informing someone of their unzipped fly
So I live in San Francisco and you see a lot of interesting people on a daily basis, especially on BART (the subway). Last night on my ride back home a pretty big man enters my train at Civic Center. The train is essentially empty but he chooses to sit directly in front of me. He seemed a little off because he kept giving wide eyes stares to the few people on the train and seemed overall nervous about something. I brushed it out of my mind because there are a lot of people in the city that do things like this. It's normal here. After about 10 minutes of this guy initiating awkward bouts of nervous eye contact with me and this guy across the aisle from us I happened to notice that his fly was down. And by down I mean gaping the fuck open. It was like a void of eternal darkness. Shit, it honestly could have been the event horizon of a black hole that's how wide this guy’s flap was hanging open.
Seeing how nervous this guy seemed about life in general, I felt compelled to inform him in some way of his situation down there to save him from future train riders/pedestrians staring at the event horizon and potentially making him more nervous about life. Plus, I'm a guy and I would appreciate someone informing me of a fly situation before I embarrass myself further. So I decide the best way to inform him is with the lighthearted joke method. Horrible judgment. In my mind I decide to go with the classic: "Are you afraid of heights? *Response* Well your fly is". You know, the most "guy" way of doing it that doesn't imply I was staring at his junk but instead that I just happened to see it. At least that was my mental process in determining how to tell him. (In retrospect I don't know why I didn't go with the normal method of just politely telling him...). So I go for it in a quiet voice only he could hear (but not a creepy whisper or anything!), "Hi sir, are you afraid of heights?" He seemed startled that I was speaking to him and after a few moments nervously said "um, no". After hearing the tone of his response, I instantly regret this delivery method, but I’m too far in to not finish so I deliver the punch line "Well your fly is". I try to kindly smile a little in hopes of showing that I’m not trying to make fun of him at all but that I’m instead being a noble citizen trying to give an awkward situation some comic relief. But after the punchline, this horrified look came across his face. He didn't reach for his fly. He didn't even look down, not even a flinch. I guess I looked confused because he then minimally tried to zip it up, but like a super half-ass, zero effort attempt at zipping up your fly if that makes sense. As if to appease me.
He then stood up abruptly and in doing so I realized my grave mistake. I saw that the button to his pants was fastened but under severe strain and that the zipper could never zip up because of this. The dude was 100% aware that his fly was down because he was too overweight for it to be zipped up... He ended up moving to the other side of the train without saying another word and got off at the next stop. I don't think it was even his stop. I felt horrible realizing that his nervousness was rooted in him having an unzipped fly and not being able to do anything about it, and that my playful way of telling him was the most embarrassing possible way to inform him. Essentially I thought I would be helping this guy’s nerves by telling him, when in reality I mentioned the exact thing that he was nervous about someone mentioning in the first place. I feel horrible about the situation, really horrible. But I've at least taken a valuable lesson away from this fuck up: either ignore unzipped flys from now on or inform the person in a normal fucking way.
TL;DR: I told an overweight guy his fly was down only to realize his fly was not capable of ever being zipped up due to his size/too small of pants.
NuclearPissOn: Sounds like a shitty fly for a shy guy.
KhaliShi: Take your damn upvote
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1407454641 | 1407695210 | t3_2cxk28 | t5_2to41 | 49 | thirtysevenandahalf: TIFU by accidentally swearing to a customer that I would murder everyone he cared about.
I work in a call center doing tech support. I was on a phone call, not talking much while waiting for a file to download when a coworker who is a good friend of mine walked by and messed with something on my desk. I tapped the side of my headset to mute it and said to my friend "I swear to god I'll murder everyone you care about."
The only problem was that my headset was already muted, so when I tapped it, it actually un-muted.
EDIT:
So, the customer was an older guy and I said it under my breath. He definitely heard that I said something, but his only response was "Excuse me?" Not an offended excuse me, a "I didn't hear you" excuse me. The rest of the call went amicably and at the end he was very grateful for my help. I assumed I had gotten away with it.
Flash forward to Friday of the next week. Two supervisors pull me off the floor and into a side room. They tell me that quality heard something in a call that they wanted to ask me about. I explain everything above, including why I thought the guy hadn't heard me. They tell me the only reason they heard it is because the customer called back and asked to speak to a supervisor. They say it's currently under investigation.
Then they both start laughing and tell me that they heard the story from my friend who I said it to and there was no investigation.
I got away with it.
marissaj325: Omg lol!..... What did the customer say?
awesomewebdev: He marked the query as "resolved"
marissaj325: You were right
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1407454677 | 1407735166 | t3_2cxk4b | t5_2to41 | 9 | MegaNasty: TIFU by becoming a redditor
Realistik84: I believe women who spend enough time together do unify their cycles. Real talk
[deleted]: It's actually scientifically proven that women that spend a lot of time together start having the same cycle. I apologize on behalf of all women for making your lifes very hard when PMS'ing at the same time.
MegaNasty: Dont apologize, its natural right? lol.
[deleted]: Yeah but we ladies even hate it when we are bitchy for no apparent reason. Dick move, nature. Dick move.
MegaNasty: Well.. Aside from the craziness and insanity that happens once a month.. And the younger ladies not really knowing their job.. Their all pretty good looking for the most part. I really can't complain. I'm friends with a group of beautiful women. Except for my boss.. She's got an unhappy face.
[deleted]: Maybe she needs a peen pal in her life (the extra 'e' has a purpose)? Not suggesting that you should help her out.
MegaNasty: If she wasnt married... I would GLADLY oblige! LOL and i mean that in a respectful way.
[deleted]: Hahahaha <3
| 9 | 1 | |
1407452519 | 1407475245 | t3_2cxgn8 | t5_2to41 | 12 | TheTigerInSpace_: TIFU by taking my lizard outside after feeding him
This happened about an hour ago. I fed my lizard (a blue tongue skink) some scrambled egg and turkey yesterday, and today I took him outside so he could get some sun. Usually, he doesn't poop until a couple days after he's digested his food, but he really had to poop today. I was walking with him on my shoulder, as I usually do, and he shat a fuckton of scrambled egg doody all over my shirt, completely ruining it. He then peed as well. The biggest downside to owning these lizards is their poop stinks so so much. It's the grossest poop you could possibly be covered in.
By the time I realized what had happened, he was about halfway through his glorious bowel movement. I promptly ran back to my place to wipe him off, put him away and take a very long shower.
Fuckin nasty.
alidra47: i don't have a lizard but i'm pretty sure that's what they would be eating in the wild.
pulsefrequency: Hahaha that's what humans would be eating "in the wild" too, right??
| 3 | 4 | |
1407455912 | 1407508418 | t3_2cxm3n | t5_2to41 | 155 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting into an argument with a homeless man over ducks.
So today was a shit day (this really happened today, by the way). I just got home from this encounter. Anyways, I had just taken an exam for my summer class, bombed it, and was pissed. Instead of going straight home to drown my sorrows, I figured I'd head to the climbing gym to work off the steam. Pretty good climbing day, might I add (save for rolling my ankle on the bouldering mat). Finished up, got in my car, headed home.
I was casually farting along the outskirts of the city where I live, enjoying the ride, feeling much better after the exam. I hit a stoplight and headed down a hill on the other side and when I got to the bottom there were this two white adult ducks slowly crossing the road. When I say slowly they were really waddling slowly, exact replicas of the geese from the Aristocats, except ducks.
A little background. On the side of this road at the bottom of the hill is a little, shall I say, crazy-person halfway-house methlab type structure. If you drive past you're bound to see a bum or crackhead meandering up or down the hill to get to the honeyfarms at the top (before you say that's judgemental, it is but I'm not wrong - type in crackhead into google images and they all look like those pictures).
Anyways, I get to the bottom of the hill (directly in front of the hobo house), cue the ducks, so I stop the car and roll down my window and allow them to cross the road. I shout "Go! Go little ducks!" because I'm in a weirdly good mood now, seeing these cute little ducks. All of a sudden I hear a man shouting to my left, so I look over. This is the exchange that followed.
"Whadya think you're doin'?"
"Are these your ducks?" Trying to make him laugh, I thought it was awesome.
"WHAT?!"
"ARE THESE YOUR DUCKS?!"
He looks around the corner of the house, sees what the fuck I'm talking about. He says this -
"Just hit 'em, nobody cares if you hit 'em! Just go!"
This puts me in rage mode. I love animals, and these fucking ducks in particular were fucking adorable.
"I CARE!" I say.
He starts swinging his arms like a third base coach telling the runner to head home and shouting gibberish I don't understand.
"What are you a fucking traffic cop?! FUCK YOU!" I give him the finger out the window. "Go back to your meth lab and leave these ducks alone!" If this seems a little unreasonable or sound like I was overreacting, it's because I probably was. I was just so pissed at this bum for advising me to kill these adorable fowl.
Anyways, this pisses him off. A LOT. He bum-rushes the car, and I forget how mad I am and freak out and simultaneously try and roll up the window and put it in gear (I drive a standard) and as soon as I get it into 1st he slams into the car which made me jump, take my foot off the clutch and stall the engine. This part took what felt like a lifetime. I had to turn off the car and restart it all while this guy was hollering his heart out about ducks and his hatred for them (I imagine), and elbow smashing my drivers window, and he succeeds just as I am able to restart the car and scream away, him almost holding onto the car. So yeah.
Don't call out a bum on his avian prejudices.
**TLDR** Got into a bit of a tiff with a hobo over ducks.
WeeabooFgt: The ducks stole his meth.
Crimsonfoxy: Meth is a duck's drug of choice.
GrahamDroid: I thought it was qwack
poop_squirrel: [Wow.](http://i.imgur.com/Bv4lGhY.gif)
| 5 | 31 | |
1407458448 | 1407638355 | t3_2cxq12 | t5_2to41 | 413 | Spyke9001: TIFU By masturbating with headphones.
My cousin and I have always been close. Even living several states apart, we always made time to chat and see how things were going. When it was time to go to college, she got accepted to a university near me.
Obviously we hang out every chance we got. One day while waiting for her to get ready to go out for some dinner, I used her laptop (not unusual for us to use each other stuff), and quite frankly had stumbled across a couple pictures of her naked. She is a very attractive woman, and found myself liking what I saw, and did the stupid thing of sending the pictures through email to myself.
Flash forward about a month or two later, and I'm sitting at home (I live alone) and bored out of my mind late at night while on my computer. I was listening to music and decided why not jack off quick. Well I ended up pulling up one of her pictures and had it.
Also to note, she has a key to my place, and I to hers. She decided to show up that night unannounced. I obviously didn't hear a thing, and she comes into the computer room, and sees me there dick in hand, looking at a nude picture of her.
She screamed at me, she slapped me, she watched to make sure everything was deleted. She left in a rage (obviously), and I'm sure she'll never talk to me again. So yeah, I've really fucked up.
ManBat1: Dude, that is your *cousin*!
Dinosoarman: Who only shares 15% of op's jeans. Not incest
sonic_sabbath: *genes
Who on earth would share 15% of a pair of jeans? That would barely get you a pocket!
SunburnStockings: They'd be a denim thong,which is a thing. An uncomfortable thing.
bowyer-betty: Jesus! That's a thing? Might as well wear salt crystal contact lenses.
SunburnStockings: That wouldnt be NEARLY as sexy ;)
| 7 | 59 | |
1407455245 | 1407466049 | t3_2cxl21 | t5_2to41 | 20 | Fire_In_The_Skies: TIFU by losing a gator in a professional football stadium
As I type this is happening.
I shoot pyro for a company that has a contract with a N F L team in the Midwest. I drive the gator that tows the huge flame thrower boxes onto the field for the pregame ceremonies.
About an hour ago I was delivering supplies to the pyro teams on the end zone roof tops. They needed me to make a delivery to the pyro team on the press box rooftop. So I drive down to the right concourse level, park my gator, take the elevator up to the press box and run the stuff up to the roof.
On my way back down, I stopped by the press box suites and had some really good food and kicked back for about 15 minutes. Then left to go back down 6 floors to get my gator back to the tunnel to hook up the flame units.
You guessed it. My gator was gone. I had the key, but still it was gone. I frantically search to no avail. I panic and rush to the tunnel to see if someone has punked me. Alas, they have not.
I enlisted the help of two others to sweep the stadium. We can't find our liason to radio for help. We can't find the gator anywhere on property. We have to be ready in under an hour and our custom hitch and handles are lost on our lost gator!
I finally find a garage tech who heard over the radio about a gator that had to be cleared from the concourse. He takes me up to a trash processing room and THERE IT IS!
But wait, he can't give it to me. You see, the concourses are closed. I have to just look at while my heart sinks even further. The despair!
I suck it up, grab what I can off of it, and scramble down to the tunnel. We search for anything gator-ish that has a receiver that matches our hitch. Nothing. Nada. But wait! There is one vehicle that doesn't need our hitch! It matches our tongue on the fire boxes!
So I steal it.
Now I am waiting to drive 2 flame boxes that shoot flames 100 feet into the air using a rickety old gator pro. I have no idea how to drive a stick.
Maybe you'll see me on the news tonight, but I hope not.
Edit: I was dealt a worse hand than I thought. Smh.
I delivered the boxes to the field without a hitch (ha, that's punny).
But then I had to pull up the tunnel and wait for the pregame to finish. Then my job is to back, yes, BACK, back down the tunnel behind the opposing team. And I can't see out the back window, because dirt, sunset glare. And the horse peed in the tunnel, so maintenance has turned on a hose to wash it off, so the concrete is now closer slip 'n' slide consistency.
AND, here's the kicker, I have to stay behind the director of stadium operations as he brings up the rear and tries to clear my way. AND, he is in a wheel chair!
In the end, I skid the tires a couple times, bump into a photographer or 3, and nearly hit DoSO just once. I'm sure my boss is not going to like all this, but hey, I got the job done. Now, instead of going home and packing for vacation tonight, I am tasked with waiting until the game is over and the stadium clears, so I can get the pyro gator back into storage.
alidra47: i read this expecting a alligator. I'm sad it didn't deliver. Hope you find your gator.
Fire_In_The_Skies: My alligator stayed home. Couldn't fit her into my clear 12x6x12 bag.
Edit: grammering is hard
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1407456653 | 1407464927 | t3_2cxn70 | t5_2to41 | 9 | nmbcgh: TIFU by sending a stranger on craigslist a link to my favorite porn
So I'm trying to sell some spare wheels I've got for my whip, right? Throw them up a craigslist, bada bing, no biggie. All of a sudden, POW I have like 5 responses. What does any wise man do in this situation?
.....that's right, have a fap for a potential sale. Now here I am, cruising the interwebs for some boner-inducing, top quality amateur pornography, and while I found some, I realize I've tapped out my todger from the previous faps (good luck post fap, wake up fap, residual wake up fap...vacation days are good, mmk) and have to resort to some of the favorites from my mental spank bank.
Now while I'm stroking with my off hand (my jangalang has a hard curve, we're talking like 45 degrees at least here - trying to straighten it out), I'm pulling up some of my favorites - we're talking BRCC, ECG, Passion HD - but nothing seems to do the tickling trick just right. Couple that with the facts that my todgers been training today, and I'm in serious trouble for a fap failure. I figure it's time to up the ante - BRCC's Kendall has been used in situations of serious sexual stress before, but she's used goods by this point. Not that that's a problem...
Anyway so I figure hey, why not hit one of the classic favorites - X-Art's Teenagers in Love? Find a URL, copy, restart browser because of some horseradish crap, paste, and we are in business. Speaking of horseradish, this last one made me spilling some nmbcghradish into my not-quite-cumsock-level cumsock (it goes in the wash with the rest of my clothes...so it's essentially just laundry).
Anyway so I figure let's go ahead and respond to some of the emails. The first one asked for more pictures, so I opened my photobucket (here's to hoping it's not blasphemy to mention that instead of our lord and savior, imgur) and copied the album link and pasted it in the email to him. I like to keep it simple, so I just hit send as soon as it pasted.
Only the album didn't paste.
The link to my favorite porno did.
I guess in my haste the auto-copy function didn't function. Here's to hoping it helps with my sale...
Teotwawki69: So you included some rims with those wheels, basically?
nmbcgh: Indeed, and they're even wrapped in some rubbers!
| 3 | 3 | |
1407458893 | 1407459363 | t3_2cxqqc | t5_2to41 | 8 | Altec319: TIFU by Calling my Teacher a "Stupid Whore"
Back in elementary school, we began learning french in the fourth grade. Every day we would practice reading simple stories in french so we could learn to form the sounds used in french speaking. I was part of a pretty seedy school, where most kids wouldn't do well in most subjects. One day our teacher freaked out on us because the majority of the class was not listening and being disruptive while we were reading. Trying to do the best I could in my classes, I asked my female french teacher "can I read more?". My French teacher is hard of hearing and after dropping her jaw and looking stunned, screams at me to leave the class. I wait in the hall, and she grabs me by the arm and drags me to the office. Along the way she tells me that she has never been so offended and that I should be ashamed for what I said in the classroom (she's in tears at this point). Beyond confused, I ask what I said that upset her, to which she tells me that I know very well what I said and should be disgusted with myself. We arrive at the office and she speaks with the principal, then sends me in. He calls my Mom while I'm in his office, and asks me where I learned those words. Confused, I say I have no idea what's going. He looks at me and says "if your teacher has an issue with her class, she deals with it as needed be, but you will never, ever, refer to her as a 'stupid whore' again, is that clear? Your mother and I will discuss suspension in a moment." Before he even finishes his response, I'm laughing hysterically on the floor. About two hours of screaming at me, and laughing at him later, I explain to him that she misheard me and I just asked if I could read more.
TL;DR: Half deaf french teacher mistakes me saying "can I read more?" for "you stupid whore!" and has a breakdown, sending me into a laughing fit in front of the principal and my mother on the phone.
ramooooon: TIFU by reading this
xxsandmanxx: Plot twist she used to be a French prostitue
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407446146 | 1407494617 | t3_2cx5m4 | t5_2to41 | 16 | michealleeward: TIFU by driving
well i have this pickup i use to haul trash since my wonderful community doesn't have a dumpster service. this pickup has the following items: 1) engine 2) transmission 3) whatever else is necessary to make the tires turn as the pedal is pushed. Everything else is broken/missing including the gas cap which was replaced by an old tank top stuffed in the hole. (typing this i'm realizing my truck is a Molotov cocktail on wheels) Anyway now that you know a little about my pickup, lets get on the the FU. Went to haul trash and get lunch for my girls at home. pulled up to Sonic (Carhop burger joint in every Texas town) and ordered some food. as i'm waiting for the food the truck starts to shake real bad. i decided to turn it off for the time being and wait for the food. i get my food make sure they added cheese to my supersonic burger and i push the ignition button (key broken off in the ignition, so instead of fixing it the previous owners just installed a button) i pushed the button and not a damn thing happened. Dead in the water. It's noon and there's people piling up behind me getting pissed as i realize i can't even get out because i'm way too close to the drive up window to squeeze out. needless to say no one is helping me push my truck out of the way because it's hotter than hell and no one wants to help the creeper in the trash filled f-150. i'm wearing gym shorts, sleeveless shirt and flip flops so it was real fun crawling over to the passenger side open the door from the outside because the door handle is broken off inside, crawl out and push my truck out of the way with my Jesus flops on. it starts rolling and i'm realizing i'm going to have to jump in the passenger side, crawl over and hit the brakes before my truck coasts into the bust highway that lay ahead. OMG i'm flipping the hell out. Contemplating just leaving the damn truck taking my burgers and walk the hell home. Anyway i get the truck to a stop and pop the hood. Not a big car mechanic but i'm thinking the battery is dead and what do ya know, no jumper cables. the only one that seemed interested in helping was the 16 year old girl and offered her set of cables. she goes to her Alero to get them, and skates back over to me. "here ya go!" and skates off... wtf woman i guess i'll just imagine up a car battery to connect the jumper cables to! a bit later the manager comes out and asks me if i could move my pickup. She offers to pull her car up so i could get a jump. i've done this enough times to know the ins and outs of jump starting. red to red , black to black. Now i can't figure out why the insulation immediately melts off the cables. The lady says, "well maybe you have them on backwards?" no no i say there on right i swear. upon further inspection the geniuses that put the battery in somehow had it on backwards so red was black and black was red. and the whole reason my pickup died was because the nail that was between the terminal and the over sized battery clamp needed to be tightened a bit. at this point i have no will to live. all my self esteem had been drained away but it wasn't over. My parking brake on this fine vehicle was no bueno so i had to find a way to jump start this pickup (manual trans.) in neutral and of course the truck is pointed downhill. can't turn it off cause we all know it will not start again after i disconnect the cables. the manager finally came out and helped me one last time and i was up and running one more time. never driving this piece of shit again, F this pickup, i'm done. The very next day i was listening to the radio, turns out one of the local DJ s was live on site at the time. i'm sure there was live coverage of my debacle. Worst day ever
TheRealMcCoy95: FORD:
Fix or repair daily.
Found on road dead.
Pretty much all you need to know about fords.
michealleeward: Hey man.. Take it easy it's all I could "a-ford"
TheRealMcCoy95: Haha I'm not hating just saying they are unreliable.
michealleeward: Haha well to be fair after the battery terminal was tightened down I never had a problem with it.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1407460000 | 1407528951 | t3_2cxsd9 | t5_2to41 | 67 | azziptaei: TIFU by sharting then getting stuck naked on a roof
This happened a few years back but is a great story and I just discovered this sub.
So one week in my final year of high school, I was off a few days as I had explosive diarrhea. So bad that by farting, I would have to change underwear and pants. Think that'd teach me huh? Well no.
Anyway, I was off most of the week, Friday came around and I was feeling much better but didn't go to school just to be safe. That night I went round to my back-then girlfriend's house.
We were in he rumpus room, watching a movie on a mattress when I fart. I decide to Dutch oven her and throw the blanket over her head. "Oh God that smells!" She yells as she pushes me, I roll over in laughter and suddenly I freeze.... SweetMercifulJesusPleaseno....
Gf asks me what's wrong and I bolt off to the bathroom.
As I frantically pull off my pants to check if it's gone through, I realise, I have absolutely demolished my underwear.
I hear a knock on the door, "Azziptaei, you alright in there?" I stutter back, "I maybe kinda sharted." Only to hear back a roar of laughter.
Then I decide to have a shower and just sleep naked (was staying at her place that night.)
They were a great pair of briefs with a sentimental value and I didn't want to throw them away. (They were bright green and wore them the first time I stripped and ran across my high school field.)
So before we went to bed, I scrubbed them till I was sure they were clean.
I decided to leave them on her roof to dry as her bedroom window exited onto the part of her roof that was above her front porch.
Next morning, her parents had gone out so I was in the clear to climb onto the roof and retrieve the underwear.
As I rejoice in then being clean, she leans through the window, snatches the underwear and closes the window.
I laugh as I'm not too bothered of her neighbours see, they were all pretty reclusive.
Suddenly a car comes down the drive and her Dad had forgotten his wallet, I'm frozen as my hands cover my junk for what little dignity I have left.
As he approaches the porch for the door he stops as he looks up. "H-hey Phil..." I mutter as he looks at me expressionless.
He walks to the door, collects his wallet from inside and leaves without looking back.
My gf eventually opens the window completely oblivious of what just transpired. I climb back in, tell her and not look her dad in the eye for the next week or so.
TL;DR:
I shat my pants at my ex's house and her dad found me naked on his roof.
Edit: Grammar
OldieButNotMoldy: Wow that is one understanding dad. Dad didn't give a shit but you sure did, or would that be shart.
Edit: added
azziptaei: I dunno, I think he cared but just didn't know how to deal. Him and his daughter were never uber close
OldieButNotMoldy: That probably saved you, most dads would have killed you lol
| 4 | 16.75 | |
1407459344 | 1407462537 | t3_2cxrey | t5_2to41 | 6 | khaotickk: [Long read, Gross] TIFU by giving myself a bloody nose and ruining the interior of my car.
I got off work at 6 pm, almost 2 hours ago. After I dropped my cousin off at the train station, I got onto the highway and took an exit to get onto the next highway. From here still have about 25-30 minutes left of driving and it is here when I notice a foreign object in my nose.
Here is where I am going to say that I have a **BAD** history with nose bleeds.
I don't really even think about it, but I stick my finger in my left nostril and dig around. The object in my nostril was not a booger, but instead a scab. What happens next is what I could only describe as turning on a fountain, as blood starts to pour down my face. I frantically look around the interior of my front seats to check for any tissues for this exact moment; I have zero.
Within these first 5 seconds my shirt is already covered in blood and gore as well as a good portion of my jeans, phone, seats, and steering wheel. I look to the passenger side floor and find my only salvation; a single cloth rag that I use to help me check my engine oil. This rag has been sitting there for months. As I am driving and have no other options, my critical decision was to use the dirty, oily rag.
I get punched in the face with the smell of old oil as it is covering half of my face. Pretty sure my clothes are fucked at this point. I make it about 15 minutes down the highway with this rag glued to my face when I feel blood begin to drip down the back of my throat. Burns like hell, but keep soldiering through and drive with one hand. I try swallowing the blood rather than letting it drip down as it isn't as painful. Still sucks.
About 2 minutes later my stomach starts turning and churning. Stomach is feeling queasy and start coughing.
**INFINITY OF NOPES!!!!!**
The texture of the blood changes as small amounts of coagulated blood (blood clots) start falling into my mouth.
**INFINITY OF NOPES INTENSIFIES!!!!!!**
I cough hard because of the change and my stomach hates me and wants to remove all contents.
**NOT ENOUGH NOPES AND FUCKS TO EXPRESS**
This massive behemoth of a blood clot slithers down the back of my nasal cavity and makes its slimy way into my mouth. My body's instant reaction is to SWALLOW said behemoth as I try to hold it in my mouth long enough for me to pull over.
**EJECT ALL CONTENTS OF STOMACH**
It's too late. As soon as that monster goes down my throat, I gag and it immediately re-enters my mouth along with a concoction of bloody stomach acid with food particles. The force is too great to hold it in my mouth, even with bloody oil rag over my mouth as said concoction splurts over myself and seat. Some even made it into my passenger seat. Projectile vomiting is engaged as the rag falls and my windshield gets covered in red liquid goo. The stench is unbearable and is everywhere.
**FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT IT'S FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**
I quickly roll down the driver side window to relieve smell and to see outside(I have to manually roll window down). I get home without any further complications besides sitting in my filth, and somehow do not get involved in any accidents. This shit is gonna be a bitch to clean, or it's time for a new car.
**TL;DR:** Noah split the Red Sea as blood flooded my car. Toxic waste from within my intestines wanted to immediately see the light of day. My body tried to wreck my car and kill me.
ChroniclesIY: why didn't you use your shirt instead of the rag? would have at least stopped the oily rag smell which might have helped the vomiting =)
khaotickk: I was wearing an extremely thin shirt,, and I thought that it would have not helped as much
either way..... didnt matter
| 3 | 2 | |
1407456502 | 1407530462 | t3_2cxmzk | t5_2to41 | 14 | TBaginz: TIFU by forgetting to turn a fan on and almost costing a struggling production company $250,000 in damages.
I'm currently interning at a local production studio. We specialize in live broadcasts so naturally there is a lot of expensive, fancy-looking equipment everywhere that has to be well taken care of. One such piece is our Gamble DCX soundboard. It's essentially half analog, half virtual soundboard and as you can probably guess it's pretty pricey. [Here](http://www.gambleboards.com/) are more examples of Gamble Boards, they're big, black, and *really* expensive. Anyways, this particular board was used on the set of Saturday Night Live so my boss likes to tell people we use the same equipment they do as a bit of a credibility boost. A few days ago, we finish up our weekly broadcast and begin the process of powering down the studio. To turn the Gamble off, you need to flick two switches, which power down the board, and leave its fan going for another two hours or so. This is to ensure nothing vital gets damaged by the heat as the board gets *very* hot. So after my tedious four hours of monitoring audio, I finally get to leave. I pop into the room where we keep the Gamble, flick off switch number one, and unplug the fan. I left switch number two on because I thought *that* was the switch that controlled the fan. Anyways fast-forward to today. I come into work to find my boss furious. The Gamble had essentially been left turned on with *no* cooling mechanism for over 2 hours. It had been literally cooking in the sound booth before my boss turned it off. Luckily it wasn't damaged but if my boss hadn't found it and the thing had been left over night it would have been fried by the next morning. I felt really bad because it's not like we have a lot of money and the Gamble isn't the kind of thing you can replace if it breaks anyway. Lesson learned: If you're ever unclear on instructions from managers, ask them to explain those instructions again!
**TL;DR:** Almost cooked a $250,000 soundboard by accidentally leaving it on without a fan.
**EDIT** Apparently I was unclear. There is no switch for the boards fan, you just plug a grey plug into the wall and it turns on. Just the big, main fan, nothing else. The switch I left on was for the boards power supply which has its own small dedicated fan. The noise from this fan was what led me to believe I had powered down the board properly.
OldieButNotMoldy: Wait, even if you turned the switch for the fan on it wouldn't work bc you unplugged it o.0
TBaginz: No, the fan only turns on when plugged in, it doesn't have a switch. The switch I left on was for the power supply I think. The small fan in that doesn't cool the whole board. However, I could hear it whirring, that's why I thought it was the right switch.
OldieButNotMoldy: Oh I see. Somedays you just forget stuff, maybe they should have a check list before you leave so this can't happen.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1407459823 | 1407510195 | t3_2cxs45 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Lord_Edge: TIFU by feigning brain damage and making a complete ass of myself.
This happened sometime in Middle School. So there was this dude that I didn't get along with very well, oh... let's just call him Prickhead. We got into arguments and all that and he was just kind of a d-bag to me and anyone that he felt to be "lesser" than him. One day he pissed me off and I was just like "fuck it" and threw a book at his head, it knocked him right on his ass. I felt a bit guilty. I apparently got so distracted in my rage that I don't notice the large book flying right towards my face. It hits me in the temple and I panic.
The lunchroom aides are already mobilized and I know I'm in deep shit, so I think fast as to what to do. I suddenly collapse forward onto the table and try to act unconscious, the lunchroom aides come over and investigate. One takes Prickhead away, presumably to the Nurse and one leans over my "unconscious" body. I know she isn't buying it so I think what to do next. Suddenly, my teenage brain decides that the best thing to do would be to feign brain damage. As she finishes what she's saying, I begin making noises and shuddering. Mind you, the other kids that were at the table are thoroughly creeped out and are sitting as far away as possible. I'm scared out of my pants right now, because I'd likely be suspended for assault or some shit. The aide still doesn't buy it, so I decide to go **full retard**. I begin to drool on the table, trying to make my frothing and slobbering as visible as possible. I also begin to exhale furiously, trying to get as much mucus to come out of my nose as possible to make it look like I have real brain damage.
At this point the aide is unamused and the other kids are hunched in the corner below the table, hiding. I don't blame them, if I was looking upon that writhing mass of gurgling noises, slobber, and snot, I'd be scared shitless too. Now, the rest is a blur, all I remember is looking directly at the group of kids as *THE BIGGEST SNOT BUBBLE IMAGINABLE* grows out of my nose and swells roughly to the size of a baseball before blowing it's snotty load all over the table and my arm. By now, the gross spectacle has attracted everyone in the cafeteria's attention and more aides are standing over me. I am in total shock and despair as to what I've done. The words "Oh shit, I fucked up..." run through my head over and over. I try desperately to wish myself away from this situation knowing that I've officially cemented my place in school as "that one kid that pretended to be a retard and got snot everywhere".
An eternity ticks away as I sit there, snotfaced, and looking into the frightened eyes of my classmates. Suddenly, as if God said "HAHAhahaha... Ohhhh man, that was a good one, alright, go on now." the bell rings to start the next period. Everyone picks up their shit and walks away, the image of my enormous snot bubble still fresh in their minds. As I begin to slide my face off the now moist and snotty table, the aides stand back and let me grab my stuff. One hands me an **entire** roll of paper towels, almost like it was a joke at the mess I've made. I clean my face up, using at least ten towels. I then walk out of the lunchroom with whatever shred of dignity I have left. Apparently, they felt that my display was enough punishment, because if I recall correctly, I never got suspended or got detention or anything.
TL;DR: I got in a fight and pretended to be brain dead trying to get out of trouble, instead I just spewed snot everywhere.
fuckyou123456789010: Nothing about this is funny or respectable. The fact that you take pride in this story or by emphasizing the struggles of the disabled is deplorable.
Lord_Edge: What made you think that I take pride in it? If I took pride in it, I wouldn't have posted it to /r/tifu now would I? This was in the 6th grade, I was an idiot, I'm fucking ashamed of this display.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407459051 | 1407485441 | t3_2cxqze | t5_2to41 | 14 | Hawkeye7696: TIFU By Thinking on my Feet
Note: I am 18 years old and my step-sister is nine years old.
I was eating dinner last night with my father and step mother in our living room. We were watching The Big Bang Theory on the TV. The step sister came into the room and sat down on the couch. This is when I fucked up.
One of the characters on the show mentioned something about a threesome. Immediately my step-sister says "What's a threesome?"
Everyone froze. I quickly whipped up an answer: "It's when three people race each other in cars."
This seemed to work pretty well. She bought it, and everything was fine. Later on my step mom gave me a thumbs up and said "Quick thinking earlier!" Everything was right with the world. Until.... the next day.
She had two friends over after her summer care (basically a daycare that takes place over the summer so parents don't have to hire babysitters while they're at work). This happens about once a week and they usually just play the Wii or jump on the trampoline out back. They were being unusually loud, running around screaming, and just generally getting on everyone's nerves. Suddenly, all three of them come sprinting up the stairs, almost crash into my dad coming around the corner into the living room, and take off down the hallway.
My dad says "Woah! Hold on!" and my step sister stops.
He said "What are you guys doing, running around in the house?"
My step sister says "We're having a foot-threesome from the basement to my bedroom!"
**TL;DR: Told my 9-year-old step sister a threesome is a three-person race. Step sister then has a threesome with two classmates in my house.**
ihatetransfers: Not noticing the fuckup there. Seems like some kids are having some innocent fun thanks to you and the adults get a chuckle out of it.
Hawkeye7696: It's more the worry that she might start using the word threesome at school. I can see it now: Recess monitor is casually walking through the playground when suddenly a girl yells "Hey, wanna have a threesome?"
WHISKYSHTZ: Pussy.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1407462717 | 1407472095 | t3_2cxwjn | t5_2to41 | 70 | BatDick2069: TIFU by making a batman joke while being arrested.
This happened a few days ago, me and some buddies got pulled over and the cop said he smelled weed so he started searching the car, he found some pipes and some grinders so decided to call for backup. Backup arrives, we get put in the back of cop cars, they continue their search. The one cop (total ass) walks back to the car im in and while holding 2 IDs asks me if my names Bruce Wayne, then looks at the other cop. That's where I fucked up, I thought he was gonna make a Batman joke/remark, so I stupidly start laughing and say " Yeah like batman haha". Both cops instantly give me dirty looks and tell me to quit fucking around because this was serious business and they could ruin my life blah blah blah, turns out they found my friends brothers library card and old insurance card in his bookbag. They thought we stole it. 2/10 wouldn't try to lighten a police situation again.
LiveFreeOrFrenchFry: Forgive my obtuseness but how was this resolved? Are you actually batman?
BatDick2069: Unfortunately I'm not Batman, but I have 3 charges and a court date.
LiveFreeOrFrenchFry: Only batman would know how to handle this. Best of luck to you.
createanewaccountuse: By throwing money around?
alex_deleon: By smashing a car into the only person who can testify. In the middle of the day.
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1407462923 | 1407477054 | t3_2cxwvj | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by allowing my best friend to handle my jack-off paper and then making it much worse
When I was 13 I had a really weird system of jacking off. I didn't think of the classic toilet-paper-flush method, and being a scientific young lad I came up with my own method. What I thought was the most efficient way to handle it. Basically I would take old sheets of paper (good for the environment if they were already written on, I decided), stack them next to my bed, and at night carefully jizz on one, fold it up four times, and hide it in the crevice next to my bed. In the morning I would take it out of its secret hiding place, wrap it in toilet paper, and flush it down the toilet. You may think that this was an unnecessarily complicated process. Welcome to my mind.
Anyway the pieces of paper used could be anything, so long as they were used. Old sheets of homework, notes, doodles, whatever. So one night I used a piece of paper that I had used to practice drawing dragons. Fuckin' terrible dragons they were, which is probably why they were relegated to bukkake duty. However the next morning I forget to complete the process so there it was, a gross sheet of jack-off paper behind my bed.
My friend comes over that day at noon. We're in my room, I'm playing GameCube, and my friend is, behind my back, just rummaging around the shit under my bed. So of course I hear "Hey, what's this?" and I turn around to see him trying to open the disgusting jack-off paper. It's stuck shut and he's about to rip it open.
Adrenaline flares and I jump up and punch him. Not hard, just hard enough in the chest to temporarily stun him so that I can grapple the jack-off paper out of his hands. Which I do, and now we're just standing there face-to-face, he's looking angry and freaked out. Then his eyes go to the paper. I can see him start to realize... Ah shit I need to come up with something *right now.* What can I say to get myself out of this? Ah, -
"I DREW A DRAGON!" I say, plastering on a big, panicked grin. "But I didn't like it so I glued it together so I didn't have to see it any more. Ha ha."
Fuck. And now he's just staring at me with this look of intense worry. Does his best friend have serious mental problems and he's only now finding out? There's an uncomfortable moment of silence where I'm still fear-grinning. I decide that if I say anything else it will just make it worse. My brain is not working very well so I take the paper to the bathroom (a few steps down the hall), wrap it up in toilet paper, and fucking flush it down the toilet with the door wide fucking open. Like I said, welcome to my mind.
We didn't hang out for a year after that. To this day I have no idea whether he thinks there's something seriously wrong with me, he knows he had my jack-off paper, or he's just forgotten about it. Probably the second one.
tl;dr When I was 13 I fucked up by jizzing on dragon doodles, punching my friend when he found them, and convincing him I was fucking retarded.
Notsocreativeeither: >You may think that this was an unnecessarily complicated process. Welcome to my mind.
On the up side, you would make a great engineer!
sonic_sabbath: Over-engineering a simple solution does NOT make you a great engineer.
Engineering solutions should be as complicated as required, and not over-complicated.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407464237 | 1407468570 | t3_2cxyt8 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by not pursuing my hooter's waitress
SirDerp_Alot: You know where she works and her name. Why are you asking if anyone knows her and to pass on a message. Go see her yourself...? Not really a tifu since you left on good terms and have the ability to see her again quite easily.
YrocATX: No problem solving skills, he got the right internship.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407464855 | 1407528800 | t3_2cxzqj | t5_2to41 | 18 | S0rch3r: TIFU by jumping for joy
So after my gruelling years at Uni I passed and got a decent grade too all the while working in a local retail store.
Recently I've been applying for jobs in my area (anything to escape being a retail drone). Today I had an interview, it went pretty well and when I got home I felt pretty happy about my chances. One might even say I was rather joyous. Upon entering my living room I decided to do a small jump as a show of my happiness.
Now, I am a 6' male, a small jump is normally fine for someone of my height to do without colliding with the ceiling (roughly 7' high), however today I apparently spent all my logic in my interview. For those of you whom are not aware, door frames are roughly 6' 6", and hurt when collided into vertically.
I then had to go to my retail job feeling a tad dizzy & with one *hell* of a headache. I better get this damn job.
tl;dr: **Think I did well in interview, nearly concuss myself by assaulting a doorframe in glee**
OldieButNotMoldy: Are you still 6' or are you a little shorter now, also good luck on the job
S0rch3r: Still 6', though my IQ might have shortened a little. And thank you :D
OldieButNotMoldy: Your welcome
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1407467198 | 1407512005 | t3_2cy34z | t5_2to41 | 322 | puddingmedic: TIFU by giving a girl head
So I was with this girl, and we had just been on a date. Her family was home, but she still invited back to her house to meet them and what not. It was a nice evening, but her Dad was the "no boy is allowed near my daughter" kinda guy. He was a bit annoyed that I was over, so rather than sitting with her family in the lounge, her and I went up stairs and into her room to "watch television". After a few episodes of Friends, we started making out. One thing led to another and before I knew it, she was going down on me. It was awesome. While it lasted. She only gave me head for about 3 minutes, which left me sort of blue-balled, but I was fine with that because that meant it was my turn. Now, I enjoy giving girls head. A lot of my friends think that's weird but I love to do it, so I was quite excited.
I pulled down her shorts and then her underwear. Rather than being revealing a lovely vagina, I was hit with a horrible stench. Now, I liked this girl so I didn't wanna fuck up. But this smell was horrible. It smelled like someone had vomited on top of a pile of burned hair in a public toilet. There are seriously no words. But, regardless, I started going to town. I was really reluctant because of the smell, but I just tried to ignore it.
After about 4 minutes, I realized that earlier in the night I'd said that what we ate for lunch made me feel a bit sick. I popped my head up and told her that I was feeling a bit weird because of the food. She told me "please just keep going, I'm almost done". Confident that the key word in that sentence was "almost", I kept going. I was all going well and good. Until I gagged.
It wasn't just a normal gag either. This gag was so vicious that I may as well have just thrown up. She pulled up the covers and looked down at me confusedly. She was worried that I was gonna throw up on her (obviously). But, since I'd grown extremely tired and disgusted by the smell, I just said straight up. "Your vagina smells horrible."
I know, it was a dick move, but I am all about honesty. I honestly do regret saying that and still kick myself over it, but in that moment I had to. I couldn't bare it. Her face went from worried to angry in a split second. And as soon as her face changed, I heard from the other side of her door. "WHAT?"
It was her dad.
I got up and she told me to leave. She didn't follow me out but her dad was furious. As I opened the door, I saw his face, and it looked terrifying. But as soon as I looked at him, his expression changed and he walked me out. I was a bit confused, but I honestly just wanted to leave. I walked down their drive way by myself and got in my car. I pulled down my sun visor and looked in the mirror to find that there was a smudge of shit on my chin. I threw up, went home, showered, and slept for the rest of the night. It was disgusting.
TL;DR went down on a girl, told her she had a smelly fanny, she got mad, her dad got mad, got in my car with shit on my chin.
EDIT: grammar.
RunAMuckGirl: Another very similar story yesterday http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2cufek/tifu_by_going_down_on_a_girl/
Most woman are so self conscious after hearing a life time of "stanky vag" stories by men they wash to much. I can't imagine why men think it's cool or necessary to talk about woman in such vial terms. Some of these stories can't even possibly be true. If by chance you do run into a woman who has such a problem then be mature enough to suggest you both take a bath together and have the class not to tell, "You think that was bad, wait until I tell you what happened to me" stories.
Omnipotence456: I think telling a woman her vagina smells bad, as long as you don't do it in a really mean way, is okay. Yeah, she'll probably be self-conscious about it afterwards, because people get really self-conscious after their body is criticized, but I'd rather someone tell me than gross out every man I'm with ever.
RunAMuckGirl: My point was just like with all class/race/gender/sexual identity bullying, there are stories (myths) that run through the culture that has little merit and is used as a way to demean and devalue, in other words oppress a group of people. However, there is always a grain of truth in every lie, so if you really do find a woman with an odor problem be kind and skillful and take the fun and games to the bath tub. The fact is most woman have heard these stories so much they are overly conscientious to make sure they do not smell badly. Most women feel a lot of shame about their natural arousal smells. That's awful! It's not right.
TheAuth0r: There's a difference between "natural arousal smells" and a Chinese fish market.
RunAMuckGirl: Yes, yes, that's what we hear all our lives. The "fish" comment. There is a particular kind of infection that can cause that smell and if detected should get medical attention right away. It's very rare however.
TheAuth0r: Cut the shit...(off of OP's chin), you know that when women smell fishy it's not from that damn infection.
RunAMuckGirl: No I know it is. So you have run into this often in your many adventures?
TheAuth0r: I never perform the act of cunnilingus, that shit is just no bueno and I never bareback, so not really.
RunAMuckGirl: Ahh I see.. then you are doing exactly what I am suggesting is going on.. perpetuating an ugly myth that is highly degrading to women.
[deleted]: It's not a myth, you're just an idiot with absolutely no idea *whatsoever* about how basic statistical analysis works (there will always be a subset which fails to meet your specifications, usually over 5%); you're so upset about the very *idea* that something is degrading that you *presume* it's some systemic method of oppression, when meanwhile, the reality is that you're just flat-out dumb and looking to be offended.
| 11 | 29.272727 | |
1407467209 | 1407664782 | t3_2cy35p | t5_2to41 | 111 | razoman: TIFU by not being gentle
So this actually happened about 4 years ago when I was 16. A little about me: I'm a sporty guy, I was about 6' at the time and quite muscular due to all the sports. My high school was very cliquey so groups of friends stayed together mostly (I hated that and I spoke to pretty much everybody but all in all, we all hung out in groups).
Then there was "Jane." She was a dancer, ball-room and that kinda stuff. She was about 5'4, stick thin but a very toned body. Quite a nerdy, quiet girl so, as you probably guessed, my "group" and hers didn't really interact much. I'd speak to her passing in corridors or classrooms etc but that was it. We always smiled to each other and were pretty playful.
Back to the story. High school had ended and I was pretty bored in summer. I'm browsing facebook, see she's online, send a "hey, hows things?" to see how she is. We get talking and over the next couple of days it gets a bit flirty. We agree to go the cinema to catch a film and whatnot. Being the quiet girl she was, she'd never really had a boyfriend so was a virgin. She failed to tell me this, as you will find out soon. Me being more outgoing had lost my virginity and been with a few girls.
Things eventually ended up needing a bedroom so when I get a free house, I give her a call and she comes round to do the deed. Now, as I said, I didn't know that this girl was a virgin. Bear in mind the size difference between us; I was pretty huge compared to her. I'm not insinuating I'm well-endowed or anything (I was 16!), just the sheer difference in physical size between us had a... role to play. She gets on top, starts lowering herself onto me, and I'm thinking "damn, she is *tight!*" Like, unbelievably so. I could see she was... struggling, so I was patient and let her "work" herself on. What seemed like an hour later, she'd taken about a 1/4 of... me... in, and, being the horny teenager I am, I got impatient and decided to rather quickly help her with the rest. She'd let out this loud gasp/moan which only served to spur me on, so off we went, weeks worth (probably years, thinking about it) of sexual tension unleashed in a fast, rough manner. A good few hours later, we were exhausted.
I get up, stretch, turn the light on... and it looks like a murder scene. There was blood *everywhere* and I knew people were due home very soon. Jane had also realised the mess and looked at me, completely and utterly embarrassed. I had to find a way to lighten the mood and make it seem not so horrifying so she isn't scarred for the rest of her life. So I come up with my best ever save:
"Oh... So uhh... Fancy teaching me how to use a washing machine?"
To this day, we still can't look at each other without breaking into a smirk or talk to each other without mentioning laundry in some form.
TL;DR: Be gentle, fella's.
Edit: Grammar/typo's
Oh damn, gold! Thankyou for the gold, mysterious redditor, my first one ever! I'm glad you took pleasure in my (and Jane's) pain and embarrassment!
yeezherrrn: I've had similar situation as well. Still makes me wonder how a girl can have so much of blood released out from her vagina.
XoxoJulieAnn: I mean we are magical creatures that can bleed for a week without dying.
Vr1k: And *that* is why you can never be trusted.
beriliatheelephant: Vr1k you sound like my brother. He thinks girls must be sub-human in some way to stand that much regular blood loss :/
Vr1k: Sub-human? *Inhuman*! Possibly some kind of extra-terrestrial.
XoxoJulieAnn: Wait... you mean I'm not super-human?
I mean my vagina has super-powerful muscles, can stretch enough for a baby to fit through, bleed for a week and clean itself. Let us also not forget the fact it can also give me multiple orgasms that are natural pain killers... Yeah... it's a super-hero.
Vr1k: I never said you're not. :D Also, why do you detach yourself from your vagina like that?
XoxoJulieAnn: ... because I'm a super-villain.
Vr1k: I am in awe. :O
XoxoJulieAnn: [...and that my friends is what it's like to be a woman](http://www.gurl.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/jess-day-talking-about-pms.gif)
Vr1k: I'd say that's the human experience, all in all. No that I'd know anything about it.
XoxoJulieAnn: So you're saying you're not human >_>"
Vr1k: Of course I am! Human, human, human. Just look at my neck!
| 14 | 7.928571 | |
1407460185 | 1407530237 | t3_2cxsn1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | apachestop: [TIFU] I was really stupid. x3
OldieButNotMoldy: What the fuck did I just attempt to read 0.o
apachestop: What, bad formatting? Sorry, first post.
OldieButNotMoldy: I was up for 36 hrs so it was probably me, you did fine, I'm sorry next time I'll make sure I've slept lmao
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407469498 | 1407537659 | t3_2cy6l4 | t5_2to41 | 21 | dowsingball: TIFU by having sex so loud my daughter ran away.
Last night my wife and I were having the kind of sex that we needed to have regardless of whether the kids were at home or not, because sometimes we both need for me to fuck the shit out of her. We didn't start until 2 hours after the kids went to bed (10 and 14) so we thought we were pretty safe and we try to be quiet. Well the 14 yr old heard us and woke up and called her biological father at 1 am. We had no idea and when I left for work the next morning the 14 yr old girl took her 10 jr old brother and the dog and ran away to her grandparent's house. Her biological father called my wife at 8 am to find out what was happening and she had to have a discussion with his parents about our sex life when she went to pick them up when she realized they were gone.
arjayrj: Try being discreet dummy.You are screwing her mom which would embarrass a 14 year old anyway noise you aren't her father.
AMA_with_an_attitude: I'm 16 and it'd bug the fuck out if me to hear that. Listen to this guy OP^ no one wants to hear any of that
| 3 | 7 | |
1407470659 | 1407471105 | t3_2cy8ac | t5_2to41 | 13 | GODofTHEwastes01: TIFU A blow-job at a suicide seminar.
Ok so when I was in school i had a major crush on this girl (i just really wanted to do shit with her) so with my older brothers girl advice we convinced this girl to go to the boys bathroom with me but we had no classes together so we waited a long time because we did not want to skip class. But one day we were told to go to building 5 for a seminar, but no one not even my favorite teacher would tell me what the seminar was about. Anyway, me and this girl decided to go to the bathroom during his mystery seminar me going in there was just thinking id make out with her but I got me first BJ happy as hell I walked into the gym (building 5) to catch the last half an hour of the mystery seminar which had me curious since the day of announcement. So when I stepped into the gym I saw a man on a stage on a stage in front of a big don't do it sign. I will fever fell like a horrible person.
CAHooptie: i cry evrytim
duffry: Try and relax your throat. Practice with your fingers.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1407470608 | 1407481174 | t3_2cy87t | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning four baby bunnies.
keh12003: Then it all changed when the fire nation attacked.
yourm2: this might actually sound better than the original m.night shalamyan movie .
| 3 | 5 | |
1407471379 | 1407512345 | t3_2cy9bz | t5_2to41 | 11 | Arsestolemyname: TIFU by not updating my resume
Not today, but over the course of a few weeks. I just realized how badly I fucked up today.
It's the middle of summer, so like every other teen I've been firing off resumes left right and center to try and land some shitty retail job. I thought my resume was fine, up until today.
I don't update it regularly, but I do make small tweaks while applying for a new job. While I was making one such tweak today, I noticed that my references font size was slightly off from the rest of the resume. I highlighted everything, then realized just how massive the magnitude of my fuckup was.
I had met a guy in early 2012 that was a lot older than me, but a cool guy nonetheless. I asked him if it was fine to list him in my resume under references so he could vouch for me, and he told me he had my back. Well, he fucked me in the ass if anything.
I won't tell you what group I met this guy in because of how easy it would be to track me down if I did because of how rare it was for such a thing to happen, but in 2013 this guy was accused of child molestation and rape. He plead guilty recently.
I hadn't taken him off my resume as my primary reference.
***SHIT***.
I have a motherfucking child rapist as my primary reference.
To make things worse, his case was made public recently. It was the talk of the town for a week.
Well, at least my parents understand and will let me get off without working this summer.
Tl;Dr: Guess I'm not getting hired, huh.
rinpiels: I've taken the references off of my resume as well. Only provide references if they are explicitly asked for, and then in a separate document from your Resume/CV.
Arsestolemyname: It is a separate document that I submit after my resume when asked. Usually when called in for a follow up.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407470814 | 1407472129 | t3_2cy8j8 | t5_2to41 | 5 | KtreyB: TIFU trying to punish my dog
Ladies and Gentleman of Reddit, I present to you my fuck up today. Today I fucked up while trying to punish my dog. She is a scrawny chihuahua we saved from a local shelter. At 4 years old, she was bitten by other dogs at the shelter and mistreated with non-nutritional food and greasy treats that will do nothing but give her diarrhea. Thinking that we could turn this dog into a household princess, we adopted her. Little did we know she was stuck in her ways.
For the past 4 days we have had her, she has bitten my father multiple times and poops on our white carpet. Who has white carpet when there are animals around? I don't know, Reddit. I just don't know... Anyway, she wakes up in the morning and the first thing she'll do is poop near the garage even though the door to the back is wide open. The dog we have at 6 months is potty trained and well-mannered but this is the dog from hell. She watches the 6-month old go out the back door and "do his thing." If I stop watching her for 4 minutes she'll poop... on my carpet. Today being the fourth day of this, I had had enough. This was the last straw.
Here's where I fucked up. Being 4 years old, she has most of her adult teeth and boy are they sharp. Being a chihuahua, her breed is known for quickness which showed today. The way we teach our dogs is to confront them, bring them to it, then (being that I am of African-American decent) we give them a little pop on the butt. I went to give said "spanking" which was met with her shrieking and quickly striking my left hand. I quickly draw back to see the damage and there's blood. She moves under a desk of ours where it is a tight fit and she clearly has an advantage. I grab her leg and she shrieks again this time biting my thumb. I receive cuts above and below my nail bed along with on that opens the skin between the thumb and index finger. Thinking third times the charm and fueled by adrenaline, I go in again grabbing her leg, pulling her out and picking her up. She shits on the carpet and it barely misses me. She is shrieking her brains out now and it's probably awoken the neighbors so I squeeze her stomach and because she uses so much breath shrieking, she can no longer shriek anymore... just dry heaves. I throw her outside a bit and she drops 4 little shits... I guess 4 is the magic number here... 2 make it outside, 2 don't.
I sit down and tell my mother "She's got to go. You can't take a ghetto dog to the suburbs." Now I notice the blood coming from the top of my thumb and it starts to hurt. Trying to stop the bleeding I grab a napkin and frantically look for bandages. We... were... out!
To keep this story from dragging on, I go to my car's first aid kit, steal a few band-aids, rush to the bathroom, drown my thumb in hydrogen peroxide then strap those babies on. My thumb is now a greyish purple, it's throbbing like a biotch and I might have to get shots because we don't know if the shelter made sure she got her rabies shots. 3 strong pain medication pills later, I'm sitting her typing this to you guys on Reddit without using my thumb. I CAN'T FEEL MY FINGERTIP.
Mondonodo: Yeah you should probably go get that looked at. But at least you didn't get shit on!
KtreyB: I really should. She almost got my foot with a little dropping but thankfully it missed.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407472875 | 1407473337 | t3_2cybgl | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU when I was 4 years old by shitting my pants in Sunday School and trying to cover it up.
pyrowolf8: Removed. Posts centered around defecation are only allowed on Saturdays
DerrickRosesKnee: Sorry. I'm fairly new to Reddit and I suppose I didn't read the rules clearly enough
pyrowolf8: It's okay. Feel free to repost on Saturday
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1407474132 | 1407476108 | t3_2cyd21 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by lieing to my parents about stealing money and almost dying.
First off this didn't happen today. This happened when I was about 8 years old. Anyway a little background on the time. At the time my family was a devout Catholic family. Going to Church every Sunday and reading Bible verses each night as bedtime stories. So as any other hardcore Catholic family they believed in punishment.
One day I was in my grandmother's sister's room. I was snooping around and found about $40 in one of her drawers. Without thinking of any type of consequence I took the money and in my 8 year old mind I could've bought anything in the world. Later that day my dad drove to McDonald's and I offered to pay. When he heard about my offer I told him "Oh... I found this crumpled in an old pair of jeans." I was off the hook. He actually believed me. I actually thought I would get away with it.
Immediately when I got home I was interrogated by my mother. She sat down and her eyes stared into my scared shitless soul. She asked "Did you take Mama Ruth's money from her room?" (Yes we call her that). I hesitated and blankly looked to the floor and answered "Nooooo." Dumb ass me obviously wasn't a very good liar. I thought to myself "She knows... she totally freaking knows... just give up." Nope. When my mother followed up with the same question, she received the same stupid look and answer. Then just as she was leaving the room, guilt hit me like Chris Brown's hand to Rihanna. I told her" Yeah I took it."
She asked "Where is it? Because she needs it." I told her that I spent it on food earlier. Then the devil himself possessed my mothers body as all I felt next was the hand of a Zeus himself slap the side of my face with such fury that tears ran immediately down my face.
Till this day I consider my grandmother to be my hero because of what happened next. After the slap of a thousand pimps I received. My mom dragged me by my hand to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest spoon she could find, grabbed the hot sauces that was in front of her. It wasn't my day because my uncle had just brought a new bottle of ghost pepper sauce and left it on the counter. She grabbed the sauce filled about 2/4 of the spoon with it and the other half were mixes of less spicy but once combined were lethal. She opened my mouth and shoved it in. The spices..... they still haunt me. The hiccupping from crying and the gasping for air from the hot sauce almost made me black out from the lack of oxygen.
Luckily my grandmother was eight there and stopped it all and immediately gave me bread and milk. Needless to say, never lied or stole ever again. Still love my parents as well.
TLDR: Lied about stealing money, got slapped, force fed a spoonful of hot sauce and almost blacked out. Grandmother saved my life. RIP.
Foreigncarwhipper: Just so you know 2/4 is the same thing as 1/2
johnnywacko: Dude hasn't mastered spelling yet. Fractions will have to wait.
UndaUnda98: Yeah. My bad. Not the best speller nor mathmetician.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1407480242 | 1407481211 | t3_2cyk56 | t5_2to41 | 35 | inthisboat: TIFU by wrenching my uterus out of place.
(Preamble! I posted this in /r/birthcontrol last night, after the fact, as it was a lesson I thought they would enjoy; I only realised this morning you fine folks probably would too. For anyone unsure, an IUD is a small T-shaped device inserted in to the womb - by a doctor - as a form of contraception.)
First off, full disclosure - I am an utter fool. Please be aware, the following contains generous amounts of TMI.
I have had my IUD (Paraguard) for about eight months now, and this T-shaped demon has been nothing but a pain in my neck. After the first two weeks of relentless clot-dropping, I decide to check the strings. Bugger! The little bastard had slipped the tip of the plastic neck through my cervix. I felt like I was giving birth to a tiny plastic tortoise who just couldn't wait to say hello to the world.
So along I hop to my doctor and I ask her to replace it. Being the sane, qualified doctor that I expect her to be, she doesn't do that. She tells me to hop up on the couch and whip off my undies, so she can happily go digging and blindly attempted to push the T-devil back in to my cosy womb - all the unhelpfully telling me to 'relax and go to my happy place'. I wish I were joking.
The T-bag moved out of place a few hours later, but weary and for various reasons at this point not bumping uglies with my other half, I resign to having a cervical bacteria superhighway sat there.
Fast forward seven sad months of still not bumping uglies, and you will be unsurprised to hear that I developed the most debilitating one-sided pain and more bleeding than can be seen in all the Saw films combined. After three days of this, on a whim, I check my strings - only to find the turtlehead of the T-Rekt digging sideways in to my vaginal wall. I warmly invite the world of pain to walk inside my uterus by giving the strings a tug and - lodged. Firmly. Wonkily.
The pain radiates and I commit the sin of all sins - reading up on removing the T-Bone at home. After a few questionable forums (interestingly enough, all full of people who want kids instead of want to avoid them), I surmise that many people have done it and a brief tug is all it should take. I become maniacal with my tugging to no avail, discovering many contortionist moves that I had no idea I could perform.
The thing is lodged hard. I take a break before going back to try again.
I reach up for the strings just to find that there is a bulge around my cervix that wasn't there before. My cervix feels... Lower? I google again, needing some sort of relief as it is 2AM and hours until I can see a doc. I confirmed what I thought might be true. In tugging, yanking and pulling to get this thing out of me, I think I might have prolapsed my uterus. I am going to the doctor tomorrow.
TL;DR: Attempted to remove own IUD, pretty sure I prolapsed my uterus.
(Sorry for spelling, grammar and formatting - I am posting from phone.)
RHR50: Whenever I hear about IUD I think it must be some type of military weapon.
inthisboat: We can call it a WMD; a Womb Mangling Device.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1407481423 | 1407483796 | t3_2cylat | t5_2to41 | 1 | TheDildoAccident: TIFU I'm a homosexual and I think my cousin has my dildo
I'm living with my auntie and my cousin due to money problems and I had bought a dildo recently from the local sex shop and had been practicing my "skills" with it and what not. (shut up) What I did to hide this now endangered secret is by placing the dildo in a shoe box with cotton and stuffing it in the back of the closet with all the old stuff from when my cousin was 18 (23 now) I hid that dildo well and used it for quite some time, and cleaned it while they were not at home. (they work at night and I work in the day) This went on for about three or four months. But, recently, while I was at work ripping out a bush, my cousin went through the closet looking for anything she would take with her when she got around to moving out. Now by the time I got home she told me she cleared some room in the closet for me. I acted cool as a cucumber but I was not cool at all. After exchanging niceties I rushed to the closet and rummaged around for my box, but alas, no box. My cousin had taken my dildo, I used that dildo, I used it *extensively* and now I have no idea what to do. Had I hid it in my own crap I would have never had to write this post. I fucked up real bad guys.
BroniesAreMental: this /r/titlegore ...
TheDildoAccident: Are you fucking kidding me? Really? It means that much to you guys? Oh fucking jesus. Fucking Funnyjunk is less of a bitch about this kind of shit. My cousin may be fucking herself with my own fucking dildo and you're concerned about the damn title!?
[deleted]: He's gonna get your aids. You should feel bad.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1407482500 | 1407523634 | t3_2cymbu | t5_2to41 | 43 | holapaco: TIFU By throwing a party at my place.
Last weekend I fucked up by throwing a party at my place. Things started off okay like any usual party. My gf being a lightweight was the first to pass out drunk in our room. I kept drinking and partying and gf's younger sister shows up and she starts drinking and challenges me to a game of beerpong. We do silly things to get each other to miss and as the game/drinking progresses I guess things started to cross the line a bit. She kept leaning over the cups showing off her massive tatas and at this point I'm drunk and horny as hell! That after I won the game we kept talking and flirting and eventually end up in my room where we start fooling around in our drunken stupor and fuck! while the whole time my gf is passed out drunk/asleep not a foot away on the other side of the bed but on the floor (I don't know how she ended up there). That when her sister and I orgasmed kinda loudly she wakes and the shitstorm begins she starts throwing things at us that we without thinking run out of the room into a crowd of my party guests butt ass naked... we also signed a year long lease not even a month ago... so this is gonna suck.
officialAZE: just get your gfs younger sister to move in and her to move out...then u didnt TIFU
BetterWhenImDrunk: Big boobs, younger, and can handle her liquor. I'd call that an upgrade if anything.
Doffen67: Created an account only for upvoting your comment!
BetterWhenImDrunk: Cool man, I'm honored.
PsychoDesign: I'm just gonna give you (+), no need for accounts.
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1407473640 | 1408342391 | t3_2cycgu | t5_2to41 | 2 | will1816: TIFU By almost killing my friend
So when I was really younger, like 5 or so, I would do this thing where I would hug some really strong and kinda choke them. So one day, one of my friends wants to try. So, obviously, we go on these concrete stair handrails, cuz why not, and I do it. We proceed to fall of and apparently if he had landed at a slightly different angle his neck wouldve broke.
Tldr; I was a dumb 5 year old
painterator: All 5 year-olds are dumb 5 year-olds.
will1816: I don't think all 5 years olds semi-purposely tried to kill their friends
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407478029 | 1407563268 | t3_2cyhqj | t5_2to41 | 6 | fataii: tifu by shooting one of my potbelly pigs with a pellet gun and later costing the zookeeper one of his balls.
This isn't a tifu but happened years ago in my childhood.
My mother loved pigs. She loved them so much she would have up to 4 of them living in the house as pets. Yeah, they stink and are messy...
I was 13 and I found a pellet gun, one of those pellet guns that are loaded by canisters. Yeah they hurt... Anyways. As I grew up I loved to abuse the pig and run around the house. I mastered how to towel whip our pig and then run for my life... It was fun... What was more fun, and I still deny ever doing it, was shooting the pig with the pellet gun. Man would he hate me and chase me all around the house. He hated it so much, he would even react to the cocking sound of the gun...
A few months down the road, the pig got too big to feed so we had to give him back to the local zoo called Gazoo... It is one of those farm type zoos that just has farm animals. The owner of the zoo didn't want to take care of the pig so he was going to put the pig down. Now I can only imagine this because I wasn't there but as he cocked the gun. The pig lept up biting the zookeeper in the junk... Poor guy called my mom from the emergency room... I wish I told him in advance...
Voyager5555: Yes, when you abuse and torture something it will react to the object you're using to inflict pain on it you worthless piece of shit.
fataii: Haha the pig actually gave me stitches in my head once.
jb_g: Good.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407483712 | 1407491683 | t3_2cyni1 | t5_2to41 | 3 | fruityway: TIFU by sexually assaulting a potential employers secretary after an interview... in front of him
[deleted]: Was she hot?
fruityway: hot? yes
| 3 | 1 | |
1407484776 | 1407493170 | t3_2cyogt | t5_2to41 | 4 | pulsefrequency: TIFU by being so fucking beta
henrebotha: Jesus Christ, dude, grow the fuck up. All this red pill, 'alpha male' bullshit is *bullshit*. You want to stop being pathetic? Treat yourself with a little respect. And *don't* fucking refer to women as "bitches".
pulsefrequency: oh geez why the fuck did i ever bear my soul to a community i love about an issue thats really got me down right now? its called today i fucked up dude and thats what i did. maybe i literally have no one else to tell and i needed to get it off my chest, and i really dont give a fuck what your judgmental ass thinks?
Finbel: I think his problem was all this red pill 'alpha male' bullshit and
guys who refer to women as "bitches" not understanding that the jargong is self degrading.
I think the problem of you not getting over her is about the very human ability to want what one cannot have, and not about you being "a sniveling obsessive beta bitch who was weaned for far too long". If you respect yourself you wouldn't refer to yourself in that way and perhaps get a more healthy perspective on the problem?
Stop beating yourself up for being a serious guy who has actual feelings instead of calling yourself a "beta bitch". The problem is that "being a badass and just plain give it to her" kind of involves at least two things 1) Denying your own feelings towards her 2) Being someone you're not (you're not an asshole that is).
Both of these things do have an impact on what kind of person you chose to become. It might get you more hot pussy, but it will most likely also turn you into an unlikable guy that will only get recognition from the red pill community and girls with low self esteem.
| 4 | 1 | |
1407485141 | 1407512742 | t3_2cyoth | t5_2to41 | 864 | LozaInc: [NSFW] TIFU by fisting my girlfriend.
So today I fucked up. Well this was about a month ago but anyway. So me and my GF and very open sexually. We are always discussing sexual fantasies and things we haven't tried but would like too. So we was chatting one morning in bed about sex and my GF said to me: that she has never been fisted by a guy before *giggity*. Seeing as I have much larger hands than her previous experience she would like to try it. As always I'm down.
So fast forward a few days. Me and my GF are at her parents place. Chilling on the sofa watching some TV. All of a sudden her dad comes in and explains how they are popping out for a few hours. HAZAR! Alas the perfect fisting opportunity is upon us.
So cut to the chase after some sexy time, I propose the fisting. She accepts. Quick scramble around for some extra lube and we are ready for boarding. Now this is no easy feat. From years of dancing and some strong core muscles my GF is very tight. So this isn't going to be like throwing a bowling ball down an alley. No this is a careful and gentle build up to the final event. So after about 10 minutes I'd say, she is now full on receiving a 5 knuckle shuffle :D. She is moaning with pleasure and I'm sitting there smiling whilst using my GF like a fleshy puppet.
Now here is where shit goes down hill quickly. So we decided to have sex on the sofa, no biggy. The sofa is in the front room of her house and we decided to leave the curtains open. Don't know why we just got caught ablaze in a sexual fury. So anyway out the corner of my eye I have just seen her dad get out of the car. FUCK! So has she. Now we have a rash decision to make. We have about 20 seconds before her dad comes walking in the house. So in blind panic I rip my fist out of my GF. It must have look as if I was starting a chainsaw. Now remember how I said my GF was tight? Yeah now she is yelping in pain. But before I can comfort her we have to make a dash for her bedroom.
Now here comes the second part... The door to the house is directly opposite the stairs. So as we are sprinting up stairs the door opens... Her dad is greated by my bare pale white ass, balls swaying in between my legs jogging up the stairs. I dive into her room, jump under the covers. Now here comes the obligatory stage of denial and pretending it never happened. We was playing it off as he didn't see. OF COURSE HE FUCKING SAW. Not only did he see me have a naked run up the stairs. He probably saw me fist deep in his only daughter!!!
Now the adrenaline has worn off my GF is in a lot of pain as I practically just punched her in the vagina. Awesome. The result of this was no sex for a couple of weeks until the pain went away. And to this day her dad hasn't mentioned anything! So reddit remember to carefully plan your fisting activities next time!
TL;DR - Got caught fisting my girlfriend by her dad... Then he saw me naked!!!
shady-pines-ma: My vagina hurts, and I wasn't the one that got fisted here.
LozaInc: This is the female equivalent to when guys talk about being punched in the nuts!
TheEnKrypt: Except you know, it's hard to derive pleasure from a punch to the nuts.
Unless you're a masochist. But that would work for the fisting as well.
LozaInc: Yep she is not a masochist! Guess some people can enjoy the sexual pleasure of burning pain...
askyourmom469: Isn't that the definition of a masochist?
| 6 | 144 | |
1407486633 | 1407806652 | t3_2cyq3n | t5_2to41 | 156 | SuperBubblesMan: TIFU by falling for the old gas station con...
So the day started great. I just purchased my first car. A Scion xB. Got it for $4,500. I saved $500 on my budget. Perfect right? So here I am, filling up at a chevron gas station. My mom and little sister in the car. Up pulls this truck with a few TVs and speaker systems in the back. Guy asks if I wanna buy a TV. I chuckle and he goes no really. His story went something like he is a contractor or something and the job site ordered too many. So they were trying to get rid of the stuff before they had to be at the job site. So in a hurry. So I thought why not take a look. I take a peek. 48' Samsung led smart TV. Fucking nice. He sees me eyeball it. Tells me we can make a deal. He will even give me a surround system with it. I offer $400, he wants $500 we agree. We drive to my bank literally across the street. I pull the money. Both boxes were factory sealed. I had him open them. Speaker system looks good. TV is wrapped up factory sealed. I'm thinking its legit. So I pay him and we part ways. So I just cane home after a few hours and take the stuff up stairs. I start taking out the TV. Something's off. Where is all the shit you get with a new tv. Remote, manuals and manuals and manuals. Just the tv in factory... Sealed... Wrapping... Fuck me. By the time I'm done pulling of the wrapping I come to find its a fucking 40' Emerson tv. I plug it in and its all fucked up. Speakers are utter rejected shits. I don't even wanna touch them. $500 gone. I kinda wanna cry. I should have known. No plates on the "new" truck. He kept saying he was a marine. They were anxious. At first they were in a hurry. 19min. Then all of the sudden they could wait. So many signs I should have seen. I even told them my distrust and they opened the shit and it looked so fucking legit. Anyway to get them? Should I file a police report? Post pictures?
custardnom: My god, that car is hideous. Why did you buy *that?*
SuperBubblesMan: I really like it. Great gas, roomy and everything. I mean I drove home with a 40 foot Emerson tv. Best day ever!!!
Bafflepitch: When we owned a scion the insurance on it was stupid expensive. I'll never buy one again for that reason.
SuperBubblesMan: My AAA is 50 a month.
Bafflepitch: How is it so cheap? Ours was $140 / month, no accidents / tickets, married, over 25, multi-car and multi-line policy.
Insurance company said it was the type of vehicle. Another friend was going to buy one but their insurance payment on a scion was more than the loan payment.
SuperBubblesMan: I have a AZ license and a perfect record...
| 7 | 22.285714 | |
1407490402 | 1407559829 | t3_2cyt8t | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by miscalculating how long my boyfriend's parents would be gone (NSFW)
When I was 15, everyone was having sex.
I was one of them. I also had issues with my mom because I had been smoking weed (to which I was very bad at hiding), and cigarettes. My boyfriend was relatively the same though his mom wasn't aware of his marijuana usage, lol.
So we both had gotten high that day before we came to his house. It was kinda late, maybe nine, when his parents said there were gonna go outside for about 15 minutes in the hot tub. PERFECT! My 17 year old boyfriend would last roughly five! Perfect opportunity.
Mind you, we were not as high as we were earlier, but still high.
Things got going and I guess our stupid, stoned selves didn't realize how fast 15 minutes could go, and we heard the sliding door opening. One of his parents had come in.
Before we could even try to react his stepdad walked in and saw my boyfriend's bare ass and my legs under him, so he could assume what was going on. All he could say was "EXCUSE ME?!!" and walked out. I was MORTIFIED. His mom was more understanding but his stepdad couldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the relationship. They made me tell my mom in front of them.
I fucked up.
EDIT: spelling errors and whatnot
[deleted]: Dad steps in..."son, let me show you how to do it right!"
slyfox_123: Aaaaaand it's porn.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1407497074 | 1407497246 | t3_2cyz4t | t5_2to41 | 11 | ChroniclesIY: TIFU paid on my credit card bill wrongly and now am down over 3k and leaving on a holiday in 4 hours time.
My main bank account which my pay check gets paid into has a wonderful feature where you can save people you constantly pay to.
So i have saved 3 banks for my 3 credit card bills
as i will be away on my holiday for the next two weeks, I decided to pay one of my bills which would be due while i am on holiday. So i check the statement and it is 3.2k.
I then logged into my bank account and made the payment. Only to find that I have chosen the wrong payee bank account and paid into it..
So i called up my bank but they said sorry it is processed already and the only way is to call up the payee bank to ask for a refund. Only it is after office hours and I can only call them on Monday. Meanwhile i have to make the payment again to the correct payee bank for the CC bill... so now i am down 6.4k and leaving for a holiday with very very low funds in the bank
TLDR: I paid to the wrong credit card and my bank account has taken a big hit, while i have to head for a holiday with low funds in my bank account.
silentthesneak: Oh I would call until they fix that shit. You made a mistake, it happens. Hopefully they help you soon and refund what is owed to you with out any issues.
ChroniclesIY: Yeah i have to call them on monday... either that or my second cc bill has a lot of credit for the next couple of months
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407495978 | 1407560669 | t3_2cyy1v | t5_2to41 | 12 | michealleeward: TIFU by leaving my barn door open
I was remodeling my kitchen not long ago and was tearing out old cabinets and I had been storing all the trash waiting to go to the dump in my 40x60 barn. Built in the 70s it had a few settling issues so the 12' horizontally sliding doors didn't close very easily. I left it open. Coicedentally I took a few weeks off of the remodel and when I was hauling more stuff to the barn the next time I smelled something different in the barn. Didn't think much of it because surely they're was a mouse or rat that had died somewhere, or maybe I was the unfortunate victim of being downwind of roadkill... Moving on with my life a couple weeks went by and I could still smell this funk near the barn... Almost like a dead zombie hooker was talking it's sweet time decomposing near a large pile of... You get the picture. Had to find the source. Oh... My... God... A... Damn Coyote had died in the way back corner of the barn and this soon of a bitch was putrid. It had been there so long it had turned black, all the hair fell off and was scattered around it... It almost looked like a dam zombie it was so nasty. I told my wife, she freaked out, because maybe I told her there was a dead zombie dog in my barn. Eventually she told me to just leave it there! Let it rot! It had been there at least two months and was still rotting. Not leaving it there. Grabbed my old e-tool and a huge trash bag and started scooping this bad boy up. I was banking on pieces of coyote upon scooping but ended up being one huge fetal position couture jerky lump. And the smell... Oh my good lord the smell... I never knew you could FEEL smells in your nose but the fumes of death were in the air... Needless to day this was a quick removal because I'm sure I only had about three second of breathable air. I keep my barn doors closed now.
RABIDSAILOR: Were you born in that barn?
michealleeward: No, but maybe that dog didn't actually die, but a zombie born
RABIDSAILOR: It was a joke. If someone leaves a door open, you ask if they were born in a barn, at least in England.
jenniferjoyous: Here in 'murica we say "were you *raised* in a barn.
I haven't heard that in forever, thanks for the nostalgia :)
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1407494725 | 1407499307 | t3_2cyww5 | t5_2to41 | 8 | throwaway45num: TIFU by being to cheap to go to a doctor
Oh God, where to start.
Well, I've had a horrible stomach flu for about the last 3 or 4 days, but I really didn't want to go to the doctor. This flu has wreaked havoc on me, I've been puking and whatnot non-stop. Oddly, I haven't been shitting, even though I really needed to. I tried some Magnesium, that stuff you get in a bottle from Kroger, but it didn't really do anything except make me feel worse. Normally, at this point, I'd have gone to a doctor, but, fuck, I don't really have the money for that.
In comes my genius plan, I had a small segment of hose, a rubber stopper, and a 2 liter soda bottle. Yea...
I more or less decided to give myself an enema to help 'unclog' it. Well, it worked, though I think I might have overdone it. I've been rather uncontrollably 'leaking' since then, I've more or less had to spend the entire night sleeping on the toilet in a sick half-awake daze with my stomach rumbling and feeling like general shit, and now I need to clean my shower.
At least I'm unclogged...
knitknitterknit: TYFU by not knowing which to/too/two is which.
throwaway45num: This just in: really sick dude fails to proofread post title.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407482274 | 1407506518 | t3_2cym4g | t5_2to41 | 59 | Grimmbles: TIFU by being too drunk to talk pervy
Technically last night...
Went to my local watering hole with a female friend(just a friend). She had been cooped up for a while and just wanted to get out of the house. So we go to the easiest place, local bar that is generally just full of older gentlemen(it's a VFW hall). Cheap beers, free pool, super laid back atmosphere. It gets later in the evening and we get drunker and just when it looks like everything is going to wind down a group of younger folks stroll in, 3 girls and 2 guys.
Friend takes this as a sign. She takes over the jukebox and starts dancing and taunting the girls to get them to dance as well. They start dancing and screwing around being sexy and just having fun. Attractive young blonde works her way over to me and starts grinding me, in my bar stool, pretty good. This is fantastic and I want to encourage more so decide I should say something a little dirty and playful to prime the pump.
I decide I'll say "Come on, you can do better than this" It will definitely work, she seems pretty competitive.
What I actually say in my drunken stupor is **"Come on, you're better than this"**. In my effort to get her to continue making poor decisions I instead gave her a fatherly lecture. It had the obvious effect. My crotch was swiftly left in it's usual lonely state and she just went to sit down and drink. I've spent most of the last 24 hours replaying this in my head and fighting the urge to punch myself in the face.
**tl;dr:** Told the hot chick enthusiastically grinding my crotch "You're better than this." and ruined my night and probably hers as well.
PinUpMumma: Dude, you done fucked up. Although if it's any consolation, as a female, if you had said what you were planning to originally I probably would have had the same reaction anyway. I'd be all "Oh right, well clearly I'm not up to your high lap grinding standards and I shall see myself out."
xluminosityx: From a guys perspective, this is a terrible line. The better response would have been "this would look better in my bed."
Forward as hell but much more flirty than what you said.
PinUpMumma: Something like that would work much better. This guy knows what he's doing.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1407500625 | 1408066184 | t3_2cz2t3 | t5_2to41 | 39 | mclollolwub: TIFU by deciding to crash at a friend's house
This happened a while ago but it's worth telling. So it was late night with my friend Ed and my other friend Edd and we were out drinking and smoking weed all night so Edd agreed to me and Ed crashing at his house for the night. So we got to his house and when we got in, everyone was already asleep... or so we thought. We were lucky to go to his house at that specific time because not long after we got inside, a thunderstorm had started and had come to stay.
So we went all the to the top floor where his room is basically 3/4 of the whole top floor and he also has a bathroom in his room. After a while of nothingness but the storm getting more and more violent and lying on the bed we decided to roll up some joints and go smoke in his bathroom. So we go in and we light up and not much longer after that the bathroom gets completely filled with smoke to the point that the only thing we can see clearly is the light coming from the flame of the joint, for the foggy smoke clouded the bathroom because the windows weren't open. While we were in the bathroom, we were all being extremely loud especially at the point where Edd told a joke which made us all laugh hysterically and uncontrollably for a while, until
***SHAZAM***
We hear a door slam shut from outside of the bathroom, and due to lack of good judgement, all we did was pause for about 5 seconds and once again burst out laughing out loud with no control over our laughter. Seconds after that, the door to the bathroom opens and the smoke escapes out through it and Edd's dad's is presented with a slight of whiff of ganja smoke that had been trapped in the bathroom for 20 minutes. Edd's dad takes one more step into the bathroom where we can all see him, and it turns out he is completely butt ass naked. He walks to the window to open it and clear the smoke while it's still raining extremely hard outside while in a furious tone yelling 'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!'
Ed, Edd and I got all our shit to go outside at 4 AM, but Edd's dad told Edd to stay and talk to him, so Ed and I were walking around the streets of a neighbourhood we don't know at 4am while there's a godly thunderstorm going on and we're both baked out of our minds. Some time later Edd calls us back in and we blazed in his shed for a few hours and sneaked back in the house and went to sleep, this time without seeing Edd's dad's dick.
TL;DR: Decided to crash at friend's house, ended up getting kicked out and seeing his dad naked.
SirWyvern: This is hilarious. Also its not easy to be considerate and mindful of other people when you're fucking blitzed on weed people.
amandatea: Then maybe people who want to get stoned should go somewhere where there aren't people sleeping. Too much logic, I know.
SirWyvern: Oh, so outside... during a thunderstorm.
amandatea: Lol dude, you're missing the point. If there are people sleeping (especially the people who pay for the place) and you can't get stoned without being loud and obnoxious, then don't get stoned. Think of other people who need to get their sleep because they most likely have things to do the next day.
I don't understand The notion that being stoned is a valid reason to be loud and inconsiderate. As if they were forced to, or needed to go out drinking and then get stoned. They didn't. It's something they chose to do.
If they're old enough to be drinking and getting stoned, they are also old enough to go get their own place and then they can smoke weed and drink at their own dwelling and be as loud as they want.
It's immature and selfish to behave the way the op describes and being stoned does not excuse it.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1407499988 | 1407509269 | t3_2cz24p | t5_2to41 | 64 | emilyeverafter: TIFU by attempting to buy a vibrator using a giftcard purchased from Gyft.
First off, let's not pretend that masturbation tools aren't something people buy. They are. I have no shame in admitting that I'm a sexually frustrated woman who has never achieved orgasm. I've never owned a masturbation tool, I have a nice job, annnnd I thought I would try getting a nice toy to try to help me ease off this awful lack of sex depression/stress.
I decided first off that I didn't want anything cheap. I didn't want the battery to die just as I needed it to keep going and I wanted something more powerful than what a preteen girl would experience when she sneaks the spare electric toothbrush out of the bathroom when she's first left home alone. I wanted something quiet, rechargeable, and waterproof. Here's the problem: I'm physically disabled and I can't drive. When I attend university, I can use the bus system, but for the summer, I'm living in a rural area and my parents drive me around if I need something. I could not consider asking either of them to drive me to a sex shop, so I looked on Amazon.
I know that there are some online sex toy retailers, but I was looking for a deal, free shipping, and the ability to ensure discreet shipping. After some complications with my address being unrecognized by Amazon (an hour worth of googling and customer support), not to mention browsing through creepy reviews that all sounded like they were written by twelve-year-old boys talking about "HOW THEIR WIVES REALLY LOVE THIS TOY lol!!!!1", I was ready to pay.
Buuuuuttttt Amazon requires credit card payment. It was at this point that I seriously began contemplating whether or not my unorgasm'ed body was destined to be a modern day version of a virgin sacrifice to Aphrodite and Zeus. Fate must have just been pissed off that I was working against my purpose, but I wasn't giving up so easily. I wanted that freakishly expensive piece of vibrating wonder, even though I suppose that, if I was really willing to put up with the communication levels of twelve-year-olds, I could have just launched a Call of Duty game on my playstation, set myself up as bait, and used a Dualshock controller to do the deed.
But getting back to my story, I've never gotten a credit card simply due to my lack of need for one. Debit and Paypal have always worked fine for me. Thankfully (or not), I remember reddit taught me about a site called "Gyft" where I could buy an amazon gift card using Paypal. The vibrator I had chosen was directly from the Canadian retailer, regular 150.00 both on Amazon and the company official website, and was on sale for what would approximately be 50$ with taxes + free shipping to Canada. Awesome! I went on Gyft, looked for Amazon gift cards, and quickly realized there was no option for Amazon.ca.
Hm. That was odd. I looked all over the website and saw nothing that told me I was buying something that would only work in America ,so I bought a fifty dollar amazon gift card. When I went to redeem it on Amazon.ca, I was re-directed to Amazon.com and the fifty dollars was added to an account on that domain. Now anything I try to purchase with that money says that I must use Amazon.ca if I want to ship to my location, but if I go to Amazon.ca, the fifty dollars is not in my account.
I can't afford to throw away fifty dollars when I have upcoming expenses in tuition and text books. I thought sexual frustration was bad? *This* frustration is worse. I don't even want a vibrator anymore. I just want that money back in my Paypal account so I can maybe spend it on something like trying to be attractive and not being unattractive so I can get a boyfriend that will help sate my urges. At least he won't claim that my address does not exist.
I feel even worse considering I wanted to buy myself my first tattoo for my birthday-- a pretty piece on the left side of my chest--now I can't even look at my own boobs because I feel like my own sexuality caused me to be so impulsive that I gave away fifty dollars for nothing in return.
**TL;DR** Sexual frustration leads to a serious case of boob-brain where I, a Canadian, spend fifty dollars that can only be redeemed in the US of A.
apachestop: Just proxy yourself. You'll be fine. I promise. Just log out of Amazon.ca and wait a week then log in when you have a proxy activated.
emilyeverafter: I'll try this, thanks!
apachestop: Also, make sure your proxied to a USA ip please.
emilyeverafter: ...*Sigh* I hate sounding technologically illiterate, but I really have no idea what that means or how to do that >_>
apachestop: *yoda voice*
There is a great secret among the Linux users and tech literates....
I shall reveal [*The Secret*] (https://www.google.com) to you.
Now you are one of us.
*end yoda voice*
emilyeverafter: Despite the insult to the actual computer areas of expertise I do have, this just made me burst out of laughing.
Normally, I would thank you, but I woke up today on the start of my period (which explain yesterday's sexual frustration adventure) and now laughing is a slippery slope that leads to...Well...A slippery slope.
All this time I've spent praising lord Gaben for the games under 10$ when I should have been praising the jedi...Damn. TIFU.
apachestop: Good luck. My period is soon too........wait, I'm a guy.
emilyeverafter: Well, it seems like you just had about eight of them. I'd call a doctor.
apachestop: It's a joke. Please forgive me.
emilyeverafter: But...Where did I imply I was offended?
I love period jokes, bro.
What I say is true: you had about eight periods between the time frame in which you typed "too" and "wait,".
That's pretty scary, I mean, normally I wait a month in between mine.
Either you're the superhero that nobody needed, deserved, or wanted, or you're just a manly baby farm of massive ovulation capacity. I think it's your duty to go help out Japan.
apachestop: I was born in Japan. Wish me luck.
emilyeverafter: Ha, screw Canadian kindness. At this point, I'm hoarding all the luck for myself.
| 13 | 4.923077 | |
1407480398 | 1407512268 | t3_2cykai | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking into the wrong movie theatre.
Voyager5555: Assigned seats?
[deleted]: The Ultra AVX has nicer seats, that you choose before hand. Supposed to be for a better experience I guess.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1407504987 | 1407512202 | t3_2cz8eq | t5_2to41 | 10 | teddy_rux_fuckin_pin: TIFU by being a gentlemen
Background time: I went on a date with a girl I work with last night. (I know don't shit where you eat.) Had a great time; couple of drinks and apps and took a nice walk around the the waterfront just doing some people watching.
We live about 2 miles apart from each other. She came down to have dinner in my area of the city. I decided that regardless of what was going on I would simply walk with her to her apartment (she doesn't live in greatest part of town), hopefully I was going to be invited in. We had been making out down by the waterfront so I figured I can always hold out hope.
As we are standing outside of her apartment doing a little making out, I notice a two people coming towards us then I hear "you know what time it is." That's right....There was a gun pointing at us and we were being robbed. Took our cell phones and wallets and they went on their way. There was someone around that let us use their phone to call the police. We then spent the next 3 hours at the police station writing up reports. Got back to my house around 3am. She ended up staying at my house because she didn't want to be alone. We got all of 2 hours of sleep (at best) since I had to be to work by 7am.
I am not sitting at work for 13 hours today and tomorrow and having to keep a smile on my face when all I want to do is go home and sleep and get a new phone.
Please excuse improper formatting, my head is not exactly into what is going on today.
TL:DR Tried to be nice by walking my date home, end up getting robbed at gun point
3_if_by_air: Unfortunate, but not really a TIFU on your part, how is it *your* fault you were robbed? You were just enjoying your night with your coworker. Beyond that it was out of your control.
teddy_rux_fuckin_pin: I realize that things could have been much worse and could have been her by herself. There are so many scenarios that could have changed that outcome.
Just a crazy night.
jcoopsyo: I can see how you'd think this is a TIFU, because if you hadn't walked her home, she would have gone straight inside, so the guys that held you up would have been too late to see her and rob her.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407505840 | 1407595990 | t3_2cz9oe | t5_2to41 | 242 | Big_D_Man: TIFU by not wearing my wedding ring...
I've commented before, but this is first ever post. Please be nice.
So a little back story first. I am happily married with one child however I am on my second wedding ring, not because of divorce or anything, my finger simply got too big for it (because of lifting).
Here is the plot.
So I have to go to Physical Training this morning ( literally 2 and half hours ago), so I put on my PT gear to go workout. I tell myself I'm not going to work out too hard because my knee is sore from a little bit of over use.
My squadron starts working out and I am participating like a good boy. However, we are working out in the grass in the morning so its wet. I realize, hey I'm wearing my ring, and it falls off really easily when its wet. So, in an attempt to save myself some heart ache I took it off and put it in the little pocket on my shorts.
Since that pocket is sealed by Velcro I think " Okay my ring should be safe in there for the remainder of PT."
WRONG!
After the final workout I reach down to put my ring on and the pocket is empty.
oh no oh no oh no oh no
I am stuck just looking at my pocket in disbelief. Thinking, YOU LIED TO ME POCKET, YOU SAID MY RING WOULD BE SAFE!
Then reality sets in. Oh no, my wife is going to livid. I know this because I have misplaced my ring once before, but it was later found by my little brother, and those were some scary times.
My squadron helped me look for the ring for an hour after PT ended (which is unheard of) but it ended up being for nothing. After 'Combing the desert' err i mean the field with rakes we were unable to find it and we called it off.
It was time to tell my wife.
And to make an already long story a little shorter lets just say she is not happy about it.
So reddit that is how I F*cked up today. If I would've just kept it on the whole time maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Also my wife frequents this sub so if you see this baby, I'm really sorry, it was accident. :(
doctorish: It may have been smarter to let your wife cool down about it first before posting on the internet.
Borrow a metal detector if you can.
handcent: I'm the wife, he'd be in trouble no matter what.
DrSnitch: Please let him off wife/handcent. He seems like a good bloke. Besides, if a lost wedding ring is the only problem in your relationship then you should be happy deep down that your problems are this small! Atleast now you can have some badass make up sex!
handcent: The sex is what helps me get by in these "hard" times.
DrSnitch: I like your wife OP (I'm a straight girl dw)
Big_D_Man: You and me both lol
| 7 | 34.571429 | |
1407506505 | 1407535312 | t3_2czao5 | t5_2to41 | 5,633 | J_Kiniki: Tifu by spilling water at a job interview
While at a job interview receiving the same questions they always as "why do you want to work here" "what makes you qualified for the position?" yada yada yada... well when wrapping up the interview, I reach out for a handshake and hit the store manager's glass of water spilling it down her shirt and knocking the glass off the table. I swiftly apologize and reach down for the glass and then punched the manager in the boob on the way up. Which in a normal circumstance would be excused and maybe laughed up but not this time. Because during the boob uppercut, it took my brain a minute to register what just happened. So with the spilled glass of water in my hand, I just sat there with my hand resting on the lady's chest for a few seconds. After I removed my hand I see her giving me the coldest death stare that I've ever received. I apologized a little more and then quickly ran out of the office. Needless to say, I probably won't be getting the job.
Tl;dr: accidental uppercut and groping of the store manager's boob at a job interview
Edit: Holy shit you guys i actually got the job!
blueskin: Surprise twist: She's into that and hires you, then keeps calling you into her office with glasses of water precariously balanced on the edge of the desk.
[deleted]: "I'm not wet...yet."
isahut: #####⚆ _ ⚆#####
happy_penis: how⚆ _ ⚆
ruffneck123: like this
#####:D
jlerman: #####:D
[deleted]: #####:D
l__l__l__l__l: #####:D
[deleted]: #####:P
Shahzadam: > #####xD
[deleted]: #####xD
#####FTFY
Shahzadam: #####TY
| 13 | 433.307692 | |
1407505138 | 1407531276 | t3_2cz8nm | t5_2to41 | 156 | TylerLyons: TIFU by unintentionally making the most fucked up statement possible to my boss.
Like most posts on this sub, this actually happened yesterday. I will start off with some back story. I am in the Navy and am an IT guy in a small office building. I am friends with a high ranking civilian that I will refer to as Mr. BossMan who is basically 5 or 6 rungs up the ladder from me in the hierarchy at my job. To put this into perspective he is my supervisor's boss's manager's boss's manager's boss. We became friends because we both happen to be 2 of the 4 smokers out of the whole building and take smoke breaks at pretty much the same time everyday. This eventually turned into us deliberately smoking at the same time so we could bullshit about what is going on at the job and the latest episode of Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones.
Yesterday we were talking about how he is stressed about his position and I said "At least you don't have to deal with McPillHeadGuy anymore." Some backstory on McPillHeadGuy is he was a new guy who come to work with us last year. He popped on a drug test but due to some miracle managed to actually stay in the navy which is pretty rare nowadays. Due to cutbacks in military spending and force reduction plans, they pretty much kick you out for anything, ESPECIALLY drugs. Well, a month or two ago McPillHeadGuy went and popped on another drug test, this time he was done for sure which is a pretty big relief because that kind of stuff is stressful to deal with for the upper chain of command, they have to fill out a ton of paperwork and it makes them look like they can't keep their people in line. Fast forward two hours and I receive a building-wide email from my captain, I will copy and paste it below:
Team *censored*,
It is with a heavy heart that I announce the untimely passing of Seaman Apprentice McPillHeadGuy yesterday from a cardiopulmonary arrest. Seaman Apprentice McPillHeadGuy worked with us for a little under a year in the Command Support directorate. He is survived by his wife, Mrs. McPillHeadGuy and their infant son, as well as his parents. His family resides in *censored* and is receiving full Navy support and care from Navy representatives in the region and from our command. A memorial service is being planned in the near future, more details will follow.
I know this loss comes as a shock to all of us who knew him. Local grief counselors and our *censored* Chaplain, CAPT ChurchDude are available if anyone would like to meet or speak with them.
Our condolences, thoughts, and prayers are with his family in this difficult time.
Very Respectfully,
Capt. Skipper
TLDR; So basically, when Mr. BossMan was talking about how stressed he was, unbeknownst to me, referring to the death of McPillHeadGuy but he wasn't allowed to talk about it with me because the captain hadn't sent an email out yet, and to comfort him I told him "at least you don't have to deal with McPillHeadGuy anymore" because I didn't know McPillHeadGuy died yesterday morning and a few weeks ago PillHeadGuy got in trouble and was going to be getting kicked out of the navy soon. Mr. BossMan must think I am the biggest fucking asshole on the planet.
dr_jt: I would just apologize, very sincerely. You had no idea what happened and I'm sure Mr BossMan knows that you were unaware of the actual situation.
TylerLyons: Yeah I plan on it, I haven't seem him out in the smoking area yet today but when I do I plan on explaining it to him.
ocarina_vendor: You want my unsolicited advice? ^^Of ^^course ^^you ^^don't, ^^or ^^you ^^would ^^have ^^^^FUCKING ^^^^ASKED!
But still, if you had asked, I'd have told you this: just email him a link to this post, and (if he's too dense to understand) draw him a key that that explains:
>Mr. BossMan = You
>Capt. Skipper = Captain Pierce
>Seaman Apprentice McPillHeadGuy = Seaman Apprentice Honeycut
>TylerLyons = Very Sorry for my shitty comment.
That should smooth it over. As an added bonus, he'll now know your user name, and can go in and see if any of your comments on specialty porn subreddits ever mention him.
LightningKillua: Am I missing something or does this guy know something we don't know.
Side note: I have two brothers in the Navy and a slurry of friends who are too and I am sure you can't be talking about these things on the net.
I'm not saying it's illegal just highly frowned upon.
TylerLyons: No, he was just suggesting I send my boss this thread. I did not include any real names, any location, or even the place where I work at in the thread, nothing I did broke the rules and it is not frowned upon unless I am giving out details of deployments, vulnerabilities, or other information that can be used by our adversaries to gain an advantage.
barnacledoor: Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I'd just talk to the guy like a normal person or even email him and explain yourself. I can't see how any normal person would go referencing a reddit post they made as if it was an appropriate way to handle the situation.
It is very easy.
"Sir, I am sorry to sound so heartless when it came to McPillHeadGuy. I wasn't aware of his passing and was simply referring to him no longer working with us. My stupid, offhanded comment was poorly timed and I meant no ill will towards him other than a bad attempt at a joke.
Thank you,
Private Fuckface"
Teebar: the fuckface part is really going to sell it
rhp1: It was the fuckface part that made me up-vote it
| 9 | 17.333333 | |
1407507755 | 1407511089 | t3_2czcmf | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying anal
Not my fuck up but my friends..
So my friend was telling me how he finally got to do anal with his girlfriend for the first time. His parents went out to dinner one night so his girlfriend came over, and they started having having the buttsex on his couch. In the middle of it, his girlfriend started profusely shitting all over his couch.
He freaked out about his parents finding it, so he cleaned up as much as he could, but there was still a good amount of shit everywhere by the time they got back. Not knowing what to say, he ended up blaming it on his dog.
His parents were so mad about the shit that they put down the dog.
thedude704: Yea, it's bad news. I put a finger in a girls ass once and felt a poop nugget... I was not amused.
edie_and_the_eggs: What did you think you'd find up there, a cupcake?
zombiebaconfat: Chocolate Cupcake.
| 4 | 2 | |
1407508352 | 1407516269 | t3_2czdlm | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my girlfriends towel to wipe my butt after showering.
Excuse the length.
This happened last night, but didn't have time to type it out.
So I'm taking a shower because I just got off work and am all sweaty and smell nasty. Yesterday I had a bad case of the shits with it being all runny and having to poop every thirty or so minutes. Well I take a shit before showering, get in and get out like everything is normal. I begin to dry myself off and use the towel to wipe the water off my ass (not wipe shit off), but in the process of the towel being in my ass crack I realize there is still a little bit of runny shit up there and it gets smeared all over the towel. I put the towel aside to put it in the wash later, wipe myself and hop back in the shower to get the disgusting feeling off of me.
Later that night she decides she wants to bathe the new kitten she got about a month ago. So we take the kitten to the kitchen and are washing it with pet shampoo and everything is normal. The cat doesn't surprisingly start a fit and is really calm. Well, when we are done we needed to dry it off. So she goes into the bathroom and grabs a towel, and comes back into the kitchen. What do you expect? It's the towel that had my runny shit all on it. I was stunned and before I could say anything she's vigorously wiping down this kitty with my shit covered towel, wraps the kitten in it and proceeds to hand the kitten to me. So here I am, holding a kitten that has had a fresh coat of poop smeared all in her fur, holding it like a baby close to me, and I can't tell her because she will kill me.
I beat around the bush and tell her that it's gross that I used that towel to dry off, so I proceed to clean the kitten again. For a good thirty minutes and put the towel immediately in the wash this time.
She still doesn't know.
TL;DR dried a kitten off with a shit covered towel.
edie_and_the_eggs: I'm just...a little disturbed that you wiped, showered and still had enough runny crap on your butt to coat a towel.
Lurkalo: TIL not everyone washes their butt or crack when showering.
Ak_Crusader: It's easier if you have those hand held shower heads cause then you can just blast your ass clean.
Lurkalo: I think you mean the Happy Hose for women.
| 5 | 14.2 | |
1407508182 | 1407518818 | t3_2czdc7 | t5_2to41 | 9 | dynobyke: TIFU by wearing my new 311 shirt to work.
When I bought it at the concert, I thought it was a nice sunset scene, with a pine tree in the foreground.
http://imgur.com/FuzFHiC
[deleted]: I wouldn't be too concerned. With a office that lets you have a neckbeard and wear t-shirts you should be fine.
dynobyke: i grew this yesterday and it's casual friday
[deleted]: Shave tonight then and reply with a picture in 24 hours. Hope your boss sees your shirt and drug tests you.
dynobyke: got a Linkin Park concert tonight, ill try to shave tomorrow. why would you hope that?
ThisIsTotalBullshit_: Ikr.. sounds like a dick!
dynobyke: no a dick sounds more like this: fap fap fap fap slap slap slurrrrrpppp BOYOYOYOINGGGGG!!!!! Splash!!!
.......wipe
Aoldman: wut
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1407510076 | 1407512084 | t3_2czgi9 | t5_2to41 | 8 | kiowa789: TIFU by itching my eye
So, after a good morning workout, you know what sounds good? FOOD! But being too tired to make my own food, the only place that orders moderately healthy food that can be considered "Fast" is Subway, to wake myself up, I loaded that mofo with jalapeños, jalapeño cheddar bread, creamy sriracha, pepper jack, chipotle southwest, etc.
Well I got home and shortly after taking a bite into my sandwich, my eye itched, so I naturally I used my knuckle to itch it.
This is where I fucked up, my eye almost immediately began burning with the heat of an evil satanic fart. I ended up waking up the entire house when I accidentally touched my other eye when tending to my already sizzling eye.
TL;DR, Touched spicy food, proceeded to touch both eyes with hands, eyes burn like hell.
Hehe at least I didn't masturbate.
the_seventh_note: [Was it something like this?](http://imagizer.imageshack.us/a/img404/9835/72513364.jpg)
kiowa789: "Shit nobody move, help me find my contact"
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407510266 | 1407558383 | t3_2czgsm | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with a stranger
This actually happened a couple of days ago.. But today is when I got the bad news. I went to this party with a friend to a place I had never been before. Long story short I ended up having sex with a guy that I met that night. The next morning we parted ways. A couple of days later I noticed an open blister on my thigh. I didn't really think anything of it. The next day, however, there were a few more small blisters in my genital area and on my thigh. I'm so upset now because I'm pretty sure he gave me an STD. I've made an appointment with my doctor to find out what it is..
TL;DR I had a one night stand with a guy and I'm pretty sure he gave me an STD.
steady_mobbin: Thats probably the ole' herpalie-erpalies.
BeowulfShaeffer: Nah, my money's on molluscum.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1407511356 | 1407512605 | t3_2czika | t5_2to41 | 6 | nothatdude: TIFU by leaving my shower stuff at my girl's place
I've been staying at my g/f's place during the week because she lives about 20 minutes closer to work, and let's face it, everyone welcomes a way to decrease their commute time. Last week I brought my body wash and loofah sponge over.
I've got today off for a friend's wedding so I stayed at my place last night. And as I turn on the shower, I realize... fuck, I left all my stuff at my girl's place.
I'll figure something out. But TIFU.
FNABolt: Left your loofah eh?
nothatdude: Try getting a good lather without one
FNABolt: Us cavemen been doing fine with the wash cloth for many a generations.
TL: DR Always have an extra loofah.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1407511234 | 1407593734 | t3_2czids | t5_2to41 | 3,521 | ButtFuck39: TIFU by writing the most meta sex story possible.
I stopped watching porn about a year ago. There were a variety of reasons, but the important part for this fuck up is that I don't watch porn. How do I get myself off, you ask? I write sex stories. I get a story in my head, type it out, and do the deed.
Here is where this becomes a fuck up. A month ago, I was horny and home alone, so I wrote a story. It wasn't a sexual fantasy that I would want for myself, but it was fun to write. In this story, a guy writes a story about his wife totally dominating him in a variety of obscene ways. Wife finds the story and plays it out for him. You can see where this going.
I wrote the story, got off, and forgot about it. Flash forward to last night. I get a text from my wife right before I leave work. "Meet me in the bedroom when you get home." This is great, I think. We've been in a little sexual slump lately and a good bang is what we both need.
What do I see when I get home and walk into the bedroom? Wife in leather corset and thigh high stockings with a riding crop and strap on dildo. Short skirt and panties (for me) on the bed. Fuckkkkkkk. The worst part was the look on her face. It was this really hopeful look, like "I would never do this normally but I'm trying really hard to make you happy." She read the story and reasonably assumed it was what I wanted.
The selfish part of me wanted to explain the situation and back out, but I thought of how embarrassed she would feel. Therefore, I said "fuck it, lets go." Did I get fucked in the ass wearing panties and a skirt? Yes. Was it worth it to make my wife feel good about herself? Absolutely.
Edit about what I've learned, my wife's reaction, and the story: I've learned a lot in these past few days. First, more guys are into being penetrated than I thought. Second, I would have totally dismissed being submissive a few days ago. After a mostly good experience, I realized that I need to be more open sexually with my wife. More communication about our wants and needs and so forth. I should also work to try new things that she might like. Third, I have discovered that one can contribute generally quality content regularly to his favorite subreddit for years and accumulate roughly 600 link/comment karma and zero Reddit gold. That same individual, who involves himself in a misunderstanding that results in his whipping, cross dressing, and penetration of two of his orifices by both body parts and a plastic phallus, can gain two months of gold and over a thousand upvotes. An interesting phenomenon that I judge neither positively nor negatively, though I thank my wealthy benefactors.
I told my wife that I had never intended to act out the story and was pretty shocked when I arrived home. The fact that we both enjoyed ourselves made it less a confession and more a casual aside. She responded that she had never expected to actually go through with it until it was happening. We agreed that we could occasionally incorporate some aspects of our previous evening into foreplay and sex, but it would not become a regular thing.
Finally, the issue of the story. What my wife found was the first of a five part saga where the narrator's life spirals out of control as a result of writing stories that essentially come true. Part two would be an extension of the first but incorporate aspects of public humiliation. Part three would deal with homosexuality, four with cheating, and five with the resolution. I am pretty glad that I only finished most of part one. If I had the thing finished, or worse partly finished, she probably would have thought I was insane or a complete deviant. I am conflicted between posting what I've finished (part one), actually writing the entire story and posting everything, or posting nothing. I almost see the story like the conclusion of a Stephen King novel. It exists better in your imagination than on paper. Anything I wrote would cheapen what you have envisioned. Thus, I need some time to think it over.
Edit 2: Thank you to /u/Cyae1 for narrating my adventure. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRTBkh8Ej4o&index=38&list=PLl0DkyQa9Aqu_aWjvjzvySIZC8PHUPPO6
signsandsimulacra: Can you write a story where reddit user signsandsimulacra gets pegged by your wife?
ButtFuck39: Sure, why not? PM me details.
FibbleDeFlooke: It seems that OP is delivering an unusual package ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
UnluckyLuke: Hi Fibble
FibbleDeFlooke: Hi luke
UnluckyLuke: Somebody told me you read a story about a man getting fucked in the ass. That's pretty gay.
FibbleDeFlooke: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
UnluckyLuke: Oh hi Lenny, I didn't know you were here! What's up?
FibbleDeFlooke: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
( ° ͜ʖ °)
UnluckyLuke: 4 2 10 1 (1)? That translates to DBJA(A), which makes no sense at all. You suck.
FibbleDeFlooke: K
UnluckyLuke: Elemeno
FibbleDeFlooke: what?
UnluckyLuke: [Elemeno.](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/elemeno)
| 15 | 234.733333 | |
1407512517 | 1407538807 | t3_2czkm4 | t5_2to41 | 23 | jorge_advertere: TIFU by being an idiot and falling for an online scam
You know when you hear about those emails sent by "His Highness The Prince Of Ethiopia" who has million dollars for you and JUST needs you to wire him $5000, bla bla bla?
I've been trying to sell an item on eBay for a while. Finally someone bought it for a generous amount. I get a couple of confusing emails from eBay (which I choose not to pay attention to) and I then one email from PayPal (turns out it's a fake email) saying my funds are being held because it's an international transfer... It instructed me to send the item to an address in Nigeria saying the buyer would cover the postal expenses when my funds cleared... (I know, I'm a fucking idiot)
I did send it to Nigeria, paid shit loads for it thinking I'd still make some profit...
"PayPal" asked me to send a copy of the receipt, which I did (I know, fucking idiot), and said my funds would be cleared in a couple of days.
Today, I get another two emails from "PayPal" and the scammer, asking me to transfer more money to the Nigeria customs via Western Union and I FINALLY understood someone was fucking with me.
So I lost the item and I lost the money I spend on sending the item. I've the guy's email and I've told him I KNOW what he's trying to do. Any advice? Any redditors out there who can track down this asshole (IP or something, I've no idea what I'm talking about)...?
tl/dr: I was an idiot and sent an eBay item without receiving the money for it.
quelnae: Hopefully the item wasn't worth too much! Not much else you can do :( have solace in the idea that while the Nigerian may enjoy your consumer good, he also has a greater chance of catching Ebola and dying in a spectacularly painful fashion.
jorge_advertere: More than the money, it's the humiliation... (And the money...)
DynaTheCat: I feel your frustrstion OP. But I too am frustrated.
You see, I am a Romanian Prince refugee from imgur and I need some reddit gold to pay for my passage here. If you can spot me 10,000 reddit gold I will pay you back with interest!
i swear this is not a scam!!!
arod944: Lol, golden.
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1407515242 | 1407538642 | t3_2czpku | t5_2to41 | 17 | TrimHer: TIFU by giving myself the raging shits every morning for two weeks.
So, trying to be "healthy", I go to Costco thinking "Hey-TrimHer, it would be a good idea to buy yogurt and mix in some chopped almonds every morning for breakfast"...protein, a little fat, few carbs. So, I buy a flat of Activia yogurt and commence the breakfast routine. So, every morning I eat a handful of chopped almonds in my Activia yogurt, drink my morning coffee, and a half-hour later, barely make it to the toilet...every morning for two weeks. One day, a co-worker says "Hey TrimHer, why the fuck are you eating Activia...isn't that for chicks?" So, I Google it, and even the website is vague...it says "probiotic" and "Bifida Regularis"...everything but "it helps you shit faster".
TL;DR-OP eats Activia and experiences rapid bowel evacuation every morning for two weeks before realizing what it's for.
hank_moo_d: "every morning for two weeks"
You didn't stop after the, i don't know, second, third morning?
TrimHer: I didn't realize what was happening, I just thought the coffee was triggering more than usual, or that I was just "getting old".
hank_moo_d: hahahahaha that's funny!
like there's a moment in life your body system updates, and you start crapping youserlf everyday
Mario_love: Ah fuck, its patch day again.
arod944: Forgot to read the patch notes. Checks underwear.
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1407515133 | 1407516573 | t3_2czpe4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | KryptonianZod: TIFU by sharting my pants at work.
Following what seems to be the trend on this subreddit... Sharting.
**NOTE: By no means am I good at formatting or grammar as a fair warning.**
This all started two days ago, with me looking at a delicious serving of Ghost Pepper Buffalo Wild Wings.
First off, I have a pretty damn high tolerance for spicy food and usually my digestive system is pretty agreeable with me eating food from Hell. I've actually had these wings a few times before, I find them to be quite enjoyable and I've never had a problem with digesting them. I made the mistake of asking for "Lots of extra sauce!" and saying "Don't worry I can take it!" with mountains of enthusiasm. The lady at BWW looked at me like I was crazy, but gave them to me anyways. I ate them like I normally would and I **assumed** everything would be chill.... YOU.FUCKED.UP.DUDE.
*Quick background: I work in a call center environment, sending emails, taking calls, bullshitting to my boss, etc.*
Waking up the next morning. Satans fetus had developed in my stomach overnight and I knew the Gates of Hell would be opened soon. I took it upon myself to make sure I took a shit before I sat down to take calls and take on another day at my boring ass job. I brewed some delicious coffee, ate breakfast and headed to work. Satan laughed in my stomach the whole commute. When I got to work I sat on the throne for 10 minutes, giggles from my stomach and some mildly loud/normal farts. Damn, now I have to go clock in.
*Two and a half hours later*
Break time finally comes up and hopefully I'll go into labor and Satan will be born. Satan laughed more.... I spent my whole damn break on the throne. I farted like a foghorn and still, no luck. After getting to my desk I immediately get slammed with some dumbass lady who can't computer and I get stuck on a call. This lady, is what caused the fuck up.
After 15 minutes of troubleshooting with this extremely needy lady, Satan begins to prank me. I feel a fart coming, except its not a fart, it is a shart. I think to myself "FUCK, I'M IN LABOR. Get off the damn phone lady!". I desperately try to hold it in for what seems like an eternity and I FINALLY get off the phone. I immediately go into "unplanned break" and stand up... and I shart. My coworker who sits behind me gives me an odd look, he looks at me awkwardly and book it past him.
I get in the bathroom and in my attempt to hurry and sit down I shart a little more, and I get it on my fucking jeans. My asshole is burning as if Mount Doom was errupting uncontrollably from my ass. I am completely oblivious to the rest of my body as Satan has just been born and I could give a shit about anything else. Then, a warm feeling comes from a place other than my ass. Its on my leg and slowly going down. I hear a noise and look down. "FUCK! Im pissing on myself!" I reposistion myself quickly and fuck up even more, a loud ripping sound comes from my jeans. I FUCKING SHARTED ON MYSELF, PISSED ON MYSELF ANNNNDDDDD RIPPED MY JEANS. I have raped the shit out of these jeans and I'm not home to change. Well shit.
After getting myself cleaned up the best I could, I decide that I am just going to send a quick email to my supervisor, clock out and leave. Fuck today, I'm done. After I had been home for almost 3 hours. THREE! one of my colleagues texts me and tells me that one of the managers thinks I abandoned my job. I guess I totally matter at work, Its a call center, noone matters. I text the manager and tell him it was a personal matter and I wished to not discuss it. Fuck spicy foods, fuck people who can't computer and fuck my jeans. I didn't need them anyways.
**TL;DR** Ate spicy food and destroyed a pair of jeans at work.
**EDIT:** Minor change to formatting
Drudicta: Coffee was the worst thing you could drink when you already have to shit. :p
KryptonianZod: Dumbass me thought it would be appropriate to drink some for its natural power of making me shit super fast... I rarely drink coffee in the morning.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1407515877 | 1407790598 | t3_2czqpy | t5_2to41 | 11 | I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: TIFU By scaring a friend away (Written long and drunk)
So, this happened last year; I went off to my first year of university, after having spent the year prior working full time to pay for my tuition and residence fees -- I went to this university not knowing anyone, not having any friends there, and being with people a year younger than myself.
I'm not a very social person: rather introverted, shy and not the highest self esteem. I'm also pretty good at figuring out how people work. I like to phrase it as such: "I'm not good with people, but I'm good at people." I digress. It takes me a while to be able to open up to friends (re: be able to laugh and talk openly), usually, and only to those I consider very close. However, I find there are a couple types of people that I can really open up and be extroverted with.
This year, I had been pretty depressed -- having no friends and not really fitting in with anyone in my dorm (definitely not a party goer). During second semester, I met this amazing girl: smart, gorgeous, very intelligent and directed in her life. One of those kind that I was able to immediately talk with, and we (at least, I know I did) had a great couple times together (platonic) -- I figured she was someone I could actually be very good friends with.
However, she had just recently gotten out of a relationship after her boyfriend cheated on her and then completely dropped her from his life. So, she may have had the wrong idea.
Anyways, we were texting, and she was telling me about her bucket list, and how she was drawing it out in the library. Me, being the idiot I am, decided to show off my intellect by judging where she would be in the library based off of how many floors there were, and what her personality was like -- NOTE that I had never been in this library before, as my faculty has a separate library.
Anyways, my logic went that out of 4 floors (including ground), she would be on the 3rd floor, since (from her subconscious perspective) the first floor would be too open and noisy, the second floor would be alright, the third floor would be alright, and the 4th floor would be for people who were there to get away from school and just chill with friends to do group projects and crap, since they were most away from faculty who would tell them to shhhhh.
Out of the second and third floors, which were in the middle, allowing her to blend in to the people in the library as if she didn't exist at the time (somewhat how she felt at the time), the third floor would be the choice, since climbing only 1 flight of stairs would not be satisfying enough an escape from her problems, so climbing the second flight would feel like she actually put effort into moving away from them.
So, I showed up to cheer her up. She thought I was stalking her and told me I should leave and never speak to her again, but in nicer words. She was very nice. And now I am sad. It's been a half year and this keeps coming up to my mind as my biggest regret in life so far. Why? Why do I care so much, Reddit?
Also, people don't like hugging me for some reason. I think they think that I think they'll feel awkward and so I'm awkward. Dunno. Any ideas?
tl;dr:
Only friend thinks my brain is stalker so alcohol and also no hugs for half a year.
yochilldudebroguyman: Dude, you're overthinking everything. You've gotta chill. Think less, live more.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: >Can't think less, only more.
>Brain moves too fast and too much.
>Wish I was dumber.
Haiku'd.
yochilldudebroguyman: lol I like that. Being dumber won't solve anything. There are plenty of extremely smart people who either A) don't have anxiety or B) know how to control it. It seems like you are an extremely anxious person, you should talk to someone and try to figure out how to manage it.
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH: The thing is, I'm worried that a professional will just try to prescribe some medication, ignoring the actual problem. Same thing with my parents.
When I was younger, I told them "I think I have ADHD," and that it was affecting my social and academic life. Their response?
"You'd better not."
My whole life I've been shown that people really don't care about an issue if it doesn't affect them. Why should I suddenly expect that to change?
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1407518308 | 1407528081 | t3_2czv57 | t5_2to41 | 31 | ebaythrowaway45: TIFU buying jeans on eBay
So I purchased a pair of Miss Me jeans on eBay last week and they came in yesterday. They were listed as pre-owned but said to have only been worn once. They were in excellent condition and looked brand new. I opened the package and I initially thought they smelled a little off... but didn't think too much of it. I mean, they were listed as only being worn once and it looked like it. That was my first mistake. I buy and sell on eBay quite a bit, and have never once received or sent an item of clothing that has been unwashed. I ALWAYS wash clothes purchased on eBay before I wear them but I was really stoked about these jeans and wanted to wear them to the office tomorrow (today).
Fast forward to this morning. I work in the accounting department for a drilling company so I was in and out of a few different offices. I walked in one co-workers office to file some papers away and as I bent down to open the cabinet, I smelled something funny, but again, didn't think too much of it. 11 am rolls around, and I'm in another co-workers office sitting down looking through some paperwork when I smell something bad. I am always clean, shower every day, and never forget my deodorant and perfume. At this point I was beginning to think it was me. I head to the bathroom a short while later and as I was pulling my pants up, I looked down and my heart dropped. There it was. A FUCKING SHIT STAIN IN THE JEANS I BOUGHT ON EBAY. I freaked out, grabbing the soap and a paper towel, not caring if I had a wet crotch while I walked around the office. I was so disgusted that I took an early lunch at 11:30 and here I am, freshly showered, typing this on my personal laptop from home.
A word of advice: If you sell clothing on eBay... take the time to wash your shit. Please.
Applesinabin: http://i.imgur.com/3IcZfe2.gif
ebrammer252: Upvote for Blink182!
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1407517078 | 1407523381 | t3_2czsvi | t5_2to41 | 8 | SoundWolves: TIFU by refusing to carry someone's T-Shirt
TIFU so hard. Welp. You know those times when you do something small and things snowball entirely out of proportion? Yeah, that.
I'll start at the beginning.
My mother's boyfriend had recently basically cornered us into living with him for the second time; the first time didn't go well, at all, and I'd rather not go into it at this point, but it all started like 6 hours ago. We were going to the charity shop to visit and mum's boyfriend (hereby called X for easy typing) and my mum (hereby called Y) had to be called away. X wanted me to take the T-shirt to the charity store, but I had other errands to run and said no. He flipped out and had a go at me right there. I was used to this sort of tirade from him, but he is quite simple minded and uses small words, so it was easy to ignore and laugh internally.
Later, I had to get in the car with him to go to the house we were-then going to move to. Most of our stuff was there and I had second thoughts, but then X and Y were behind it so I had to be quiet.
But then, he started to shout at us about how 'f**ing' useless I was, and how Y would be better off 'just leaving me in a road somewhere' as I had been 'a burden on you for (nope) years.' For the record, I consider myself well behaved.
Later, when we had got back, we were at the nearby estate agent about finalizing the contract. X had told us that we both had to sign the contract, and Y suggested that he 'went for a walk to calm down' (he was absolutely fuming at this point) He completely flipped out and called Y a 'dictator' and that he had 'absolutely no say'.
He then left, and while we waited for him by the car to go to the agent, he emerged from the agent having signed the contract. This will come back to bite him in the ass later.
He then drove us back, and stormed out to drink after a lengthy argument. I didn't catch all of it but I gather it was about X undermining Y and going behind Y's back and how that wasn't OK as they were supposed to do it together.
He stormed out and slammed the door. Several hours later he came back, and then launched into another tirade (which I managed to record using my PC's mic, which I will go to the police with soon) and left for a few minutes. He came back again, went up to Y, and slammed her laptop's lid down so hard the screen cracked, and then told her "how OP was the cause of this," and Y said something like "You just broke my computer's lid! I want you to fix it" but he then stormed out, claiming that "You better piss off by the 12th or else."
So now, he's living in his new large house, with most of my stuff, (I have an absolute bare minimum) and pretty much no way of getting it back....
Considering either blackmailing him or going to the police and they will get it. I got a recording though. I got that going for me.
I'm fine now, one of our friends helped us move out while he was away. smooth, slick operation, took like 5 minutes.
I got Y's PC hooked up to a TV via HDMI, so that's alright then. Those who know about Spanish law, can you send me a PM? your advice would be massively, massively appreciated.
I think I fucked up hard... D:
mya1: I would say you did just fine. Consider yourself lucky that this happened before you moved in, it would have been a much bigger deal if you had. If all this started over a t-shirt then he has rage issues and needs help. If you were in the US I wouldn't hesitate to recommend you and your mom getting restraining order put against him. If those exist where you are, get one! I would also recommend your mom get some therapy as well, any woman deserves better than a verbally abusive relationship. The fact that she keeps going back could point to confidence issues or even depression. If you let it, this could be a turning point in your life for the better.
SoundWolves: I think it already is. He's left and my mother has left him for good now. Regardless, I won't let her see him again; she's been through enough.
He does not know where we are now and I expect that he will move into the next town now as stupid him signed the contract, so...
Thanks for the advice though! I'm fine now. We're all fine now. :)
PS he refuses to get help, mum brought it up with him once and he flew into a rage
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407518912 | 1407557149 | t3_2czweb | t5_2to41 | 148 | MoreIronyLessWrinkly: TIFU by simulating giving head in front of a room full of deans and department heads after being tricked by shittyaskscience. (Possibly NSFW)
> Oh my god. I did this in a meeting full of deans and department chairs. I hate you.
The above is the comment I made that resulted from the horror that has landed me a nomination in /r/bestof, as well as the suggestion that I cross-post here.
[This was the original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/shittyaskscience/comments/2cvhzu/why_is_it_impossible_to_bob_your_head_back_and/) that led to my awful fate.
Since it's garnered a little interest, I will add some details that might be relevant, as well as update you on the aftermath. Some of this is taken directly from my original post because it seems a little like reinventing the wheel otherwise. Here goes...
I'm a professor of American Lit at a university in America. You've probably heard of it, although we're not talking Ivy League. It's just a big university that most everyone has heard of and whose logo you're likely to have seen in some context. I've been a lifelong lover of this university, so this is pretty much my dream job. I worked my ass off to get to this position at this age, mainly by not fucking up. Until yesterday.
I was called in to a meeting full of people above me on the food chain. I was called in without prior notice, actually right after I had dismissed my undergrad course for the day, and I wasn't given any details about the august body that would be present. It's summer and hot and humid as Hell here, so I was in jeans and a polo shirt when I walked into the conference room and beheld every (as far as I can tell) dean and department chair at the university seated around several large tables. I was easily the youngest, lowest-paid, least-important person in the room. I was also the only person not in business formal attire.
The meeting had been going on since earlier that morning. The focus was on academic retention and (not my words) "the new generation of student's flippant attitude toward plagiarism" as well as how technology could be utilized to help rather than harm academia (again, the focus was on plagiarism). Basically, I have been requiring students to write essays in-class, including arranging times outside of class for writing, and have been championing the idea that students should be required to type essays in controlled environments, etc. I won't bore you with details and the idea itself is still in infancy, but I managed to get my name brought up, so they called me in to share some theories.
I shared briefly. I should have excused myself. I should have walked right out and into the bright, beautiful Sun and back to my office where I could blow the air, the pens, or whatever else I wanted without judgment. But I wanted to look like a team player. Dedicated. And a colleague I like had an open chair right across from my department chair. How convenient.
I knew I'd browse reddit on my iPad while they talked money and blah blah. I knew I would. Everyone had an iPad. No one would know what I was really doing because I'd sit the iPad in my lap. So I browsed away, mostly reading /r/fitness and /r/wow.
And then I saw the question: Why is it impossible to bob your head back and forth while keeping your mouth open? I forgot where I was. I did it. I opened my mouth, perfect O-shape. I bobbed my head back and forth, titled up (I don't know why... I'm absent-minded). I air blew an invisible dick and caught myself when I averted my eyes downward and saw that the dean of our business school had arched an eyebrow at me.
I stopped (of course) and just looked away. Unfortunately, I have a baby face that blushes very easily. So I stared away, red as an apple. I waited enough time that I felt like maybe anyone who had seen was now looking away, then I pretended like I had a phone call and left the meeting. Then posted my original hate post. Then I went to my office and wondered whether my department chair saw it from the seat across from me.
So, today, the department chair came by and asked what I was doing. I said that I had worked out earlier and was stretching my neck. I'm known as a gym rat, so she at least did me the service of pretending to believe me. I'm not worried about my job. I'm primarily embarrassed because I imitated that action full-on, hardcore. I sucked the shit out of that nonexistent penis (and I'm a heterosexual, happily married guy who's never had the desire to do that).
We have a faculty club reception tonight, so I'll be interested to see what happens there, when alcohol has loosened some tongues. The dean of our business school is a cool guy, but he loves to tell a good story. I'm hoping the sheer tedium of the meeting will have bored that moment of our shared experience from his brain.
UPDATE: I wish I could narrate some climactic final battle, some moment that either resulted in my revelation as the tragic hero or as the triumphant Trickster archetype, but I won't lie, even to you, reddit. I could make up something believable, but I won't, maybe where there are some jokes passed around but, hey, you're a good man, Charlie Brown. It would have been funny if a higher-up had suggested I could get ahead by giving head, based on my performance; that would actually have been a good story.
TRUTH: No one mentioned it. And a couple of wives arrived late and shitfaced, embarrassed their husbands, etc.
nighthawk_md: I don't know dude but it sounds like a cool story. Embarrassing for sure and you might be the guy who blew the invisible dick at the big meeting for a while but I honestly don't see too much downside here as long as your chairwoman was cool about it.
Edit: "invisible ducks" LOL
MoreIronyLessWrinkly: The primary repercussion is having it brought up over and over. And over. And then graduate students hear about it.
infinite012: What's up, Mr. Chokesondick?
dunaan: It's Dr. Chokesondick now.
| 5 | 29.6 | |
1407517978 | 1407520746 | t3_2czuic | t5_2to41 | 11 | pickesandco: TIFU by getting a woman beaten worse by her SO...
So I went for some drinks this evening and on my way back there was an arguing couple. The woman was upset about her SO ignoring her and paying attention to every other female but her. She was clearly upset but the more she complained the more this guy got abusive and combative. out of nowhere he just hauled off and started punching her in the chest/stomach, I instantly jumped up and rag dolled this half man and threw him down the aisle. only after I stepped in did anyone else even pay attention to what was happening, a few college aged guy jumped in and separated us before I could do anything besides throw him like a 100 lbs sack of shit.
Just As he stands up the train slows and stops and he walks off and screams for his "BITCH" to come with him. The college kids are still holding me back and telling me its not my concern, when this clearly broken women jumps up and runs off the train. The guys let me go and as the train rolls away I watch this human garbage start swinging his SO by her hair and punching/kicking her. Hopefully the camera's caught him and he will get some form of punishment, either way I feel horrible.
TL;DR: intervened when a guy started beating his SO on a train, only made things worse for her and watched her get savagely beaten as train rolled away. :C
a_midgets_last_stand: Really I think the best thing that could have been done is call the cops and make a citizen's arrest, but rarely are we logical when we're emotional, and it's not easy to detain someone who's restless/violent. Don't think you necessarily fucked up, it sucks for her but she's the one who isn't leaving for one reason or another. Don't get yourself killed on her account.
pickesandco: I know I could have handled the situation a bit better. But I am a Gaijin (foreigner in Japanese) and don't really know the language enough to call the cops myself. I went to a friends house and had her call the cops and report it but by then they were certainly long gone. I emasculated this guy by being 2x his weight and nearly 2x as tall and throwing him like we was a doll, and I feel completely shitty that he is out there somewhere taking his rage out on a woman.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407518831 | 1407524411 | t3_2czw7x | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally having sex with my brothers future wife
Let's start off with the fact that I'm a girl. And like most girls I went a little off the deep end in college, and I had my little experiments with the same sex just like a few of the other girls I know today. When college ended though I got myself together I settled down and started dating men. With that in mind I never told anybody about the things I did in college, and for good reason too because some of them would put my father and mother to shame.
One day my brother, who's a nice guy, real charming, but can be a dick at times tells us he's getting married so my family gets together to meet this young lady. We all go out to dinner we meet up at this nice Italian restaurant they show up 15 minutes late. From the second I see her l know I've seen her before and the search in my head begins in a hunt to find where I know her face from. I think and I go to all the logical thoughts maybe work, (I see a lot of people every day because I work at a bar, something my dad will never let me hear the end of) maybe shopping, a friend of a friend, nothing I can't figure out where I've seen here before. Well, I excuse myself for the moment and decide maybe I can clear my head with a smoke and that'll help me figure it out. To my surprise my brothers fiance ask if it's OK to join me, fine with me maybe she knows where I've seen her.
So we head out I smoke she bums one of me and as we sit there I ask if I know here from somewhere, she replies "thank God you realized that makes this so much easier". She explains to me that we hooked up when I was in college, the embarrassment in my face was obvious as could be, so we decided that it would be the best for both of us if we never spoke of this again, and we didn't, but every moment I saw them together was so hard seeing my brother with her knowing that he wasn't the only one of us that had seen her naked.
That was 3 years ago, last week me and this guy who had been dating for a year and a half decided it was time to get it together and make a family since I'll turn 30 this year and it's time I settled down. I told my brother yesterday and he decide that we should go eat, and of all place he decides the same Italian place where I met his wife. It was just me and my fiance and my brother and his wife. As I sat there thinking about what neither my brother nor my soon to be husband knew guilt set in and nothing crushes guilt like shots, and so the drinking began.
I'm not sure how far through it was when the shots began to kick in but I know that I was hammered. My brother had been interrogating my fiance for the past hour trying to see if he was fit to marry me. He went through all the bad things my fiance did like when he pulled the fire alarm to get out of a physics test in 10th grade all the way down to when he took a dollar out of a charity basket for cancer because he needed one dollar for gas to get home (which he did come back and leave 5 dollars). At that time I joined in with the simple words "at least he never slept with his brothers wife". Until then I had never spoken about it, and I have convinced myself I never did it wasn't me speak, it was the shots speaking. It took a moment for my brothers wife to explain and for my brother to begin to understand, and all my fiance could say was "Wow, that's.... really hot".
So now I have to live with the fact that my brother knows, but at least it's better then when he didn't know.
Edit:So some of you suggested I clear things up with him so I decided to call and he didn't see this as a big deal. He said that something like this isn't something that he sees as a problem he's just disappointed I didn't tell him earlier. He says it doesn't change the way he feels about me or his wife either way he loves both of us and he hopes that we can move past this. Thanks guys for telling me to call him I'm glad I could get through this maybe it wasn't that big of a deal after all.
hank_moo_d: OP's father is next in line.
PLS_PM_ME_YOUR_LABIA: ... Mother.
hank_moo_d: Why not both?
PLS_PM_ME_YOUR_LABIA: I love your optimism!
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1407516160 | 1407528066 | t3_2czr74 | t5_2to41 | 6 | TokeInTheEye: TIFU by having my protein shake early
So normally I would take my protein shake after a work out and be good. But today I took it before working out. I never do this because I think I might be slightly lactose intolerant. But anyway I'm halfway through my workout feeling pumped and generally happy. But then I clean and jerked the bar to my shoulders for over head press. On the way up I felt my butthole open and a shitlett slipped out. I noped straight out of the gym into the showers with the worst duck walk ever.
TLDR: tried lifting but rectum started shifting.
pdxbeick: No offense, but you did not "clean and jerked the bar to my shoulders". Cleaning the bar gets it to your shoulders. From there you can jerk it, or press it. Funny "story" but mistakes like that make it look fake.
TokeInTheEye: Just because I don't know my terminology? In Olympic lifting they get the bar to the same postion as I do for press.
pdxbeick: Granted, and as I said, no offense meant. I guess it's teaching point. Cleaning the bar gets it to your shoulders. You can do whatever you want from there, including accidental anal leakage. Good on you for lifting and taking care of yourself. Again, no offense intended, next time the term will be correct and the story will be solid.
TokeInTheEye: No problem, now I know.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1407520311 | 1407545296 | t3_2czzaq | t5_2to41 | -6 | BBQ_Baby: TIFU by shoplifting
Let me preface it by saying that comments about it hurting the average employee will be lost on me so don’t even try. I know it’s wrong, don’t really do it anymore, just not a super moral person, and this was several years ago.
Anyway, I was shoplifting (what a cutsie name for stealing btw) from a local, urban, multi-story clothing store. I had shoplifted from there many times before but usually only 1-2 pieces of clothing at a time (in hindsight not a great idea to go back after several attempts but I never said I didn’t deserve it). I hit another store for a couple items then went to this store for some more consumer shit. By that time I had gotten a little greedy and decided to steal about 10 items (yeah, I’m a fucking genius). I liked to think I was sneaky and hot shit but in reality if anyone was paying any kind of attention to me via the security cameras I’d be caught pretty easily. So I shoved a couple shirts and some accessories in my bag all sneaky like (after checking them for security tags) and start heading downstairs and towards the exit.
At the ends of the stairs I see a loss prevention member (they in no way deserve to be called officers) at the end of the stairs looking directly at me. I’m basically shitting myself at this point but I keep my cool and act natural. At the end of the stairs he sort of boxes me in and asks for me to come with him, at that point time seems to slow down while I run through my options. I could stay and probably get a slap on the wrist but fuck that, so when the loss prevention person turns around I run towards the doors that are conveniently unguarded. I actually get through the doors and on to the sidewalk before he grabs a loose strap on my backpack and tries to pull me to the floor. Luckily I’ve wrestled and done karate (yes I’m Asian) in the past so it was kind of futile. 3 or 4 other loss prevention people run outside of the store to help him, trying to pick me up or wrestle me to the ground, basically doing anything they can to get me back into the store. This all proves futile on both our parts because I keep getting out of their holds but they had me boxed in and were much large and stronger. In an attempt to escape I slipped out of my backpack and darted away but the guy grabs onto my shirt. Another one, apparently annoyed this was going on longer than a few minutes (probably between 2-5 but it was hard to tell), punched me in the face. Not my first time being punched in the face so it didn’t really phase me and he was kind of taken aback by this little Asian kid taking a punch to the face and not flinching. He did however knock out my contact. Of course it being a city, a crowd had formed and was actually rooting me on. I finally said fucked this and tried shimming out of my shirt and was almost away when one of said to just give up and threw my shirt on the ground.
Kilomega: This never happened
BBQ_Baby: It actually did. I swear to my non-existant god.
Kilomega: No. No it didn't. I believe you stole things from Urban Outfitters (or fantasized about it more likely) but your story here is 100% made up nonsense. It's a young man's fantasy.
Security guards do not touch people, let alone punch them or rip their clothing off in a large group. You watch too much anime please stop lying.
BBQ_Baby: Security guards are indeed allowed to touch people, I do not watch anime, and they didn't rip it off per say.
Voyager5555: Should have left it alone, I used to work retail and this is complete bullshit.
I do believe that you've never watched anime though.
BBQ_Baby: Some stores do have a very agressive apprehension policy, as you can see by the articles I posted. But it varies widely store to store.
nookfish: I have seen some Afghanistan veterans in my family get the security gigs and use that as their form of therapy.
| 8 | -0.75 | |
1407521709 | 1407609142 | t3_2d027q | t5_2to41 | 11 | septastic: TIFU by telling the Health Insurance Marketplace I got married.
8:31am today: Both my wife and myself have separate plans through the marketplace. After tax credit, we paid ~$100/mo premium, had a $500 deductible, and paid $15 for our office visits.
8:32am: I call the marketplace to notify them of our marital status change. By law, you have 60 days from the date of marriage to do this.
10:59am: Ended phone call; we now have a joint plan where we pay $359/mo with a $5,000 deducible and a 30% co-insurance on all medical visits. And our meds went up $30/60.
I make $13.00/hr, she makes $15.00/hour. We're both under the age of 34 with no health problems. So much for being honest and doing the right thing. Go america.
Cheapancheerful: Note to self: Do not get married again...
note-to-self-bot: A friendly reminder:
Do not get married again...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1407517651 | 1407567210 | t3_2cztwo | t5_2to41 | 9 | elfliner: TIFU by not closing my broswer
Went on a date last night. I go on dates pretty often with randos that i meet on tinder or whatever. But this girl I actually knew from a class in college. Anyways date went well. Had dinner, walked to a couple bars, walk home, I invite her upstairs just to show her my place. Give her a glass of water. Oh lets sit on the couch and listen to some music. Open my computer to a bent over girl with her vagina staring right at us. Good thing I know the command+w shortcut and closed that window instantly lol. She laughed and thought it was funny and that it was cool that i didnt freak out about it. Oh well. Not too bad of a fuck up but i thought it was funny and wanted to share.
Halucin8ing: What is a broswer
elfliner: fuck off you cunt
Halucin8ing: Haha ops story is a fake
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1407523440 | 1407586173 | t3_2d05s6 | t5_2to41 | 416 | ford_f150: TIFU by telling my dad I jizzed, at school.
You might be wondering what the fuck is it with me cumming at school. Well, I can explain this time around.
Back in 8th grade, kids did a lot of stupid shit. During the time when the "Jizz in my pants" video by the lonely island was popular, me and my friend (we'll call him 'chance') thought of a really stupid idea. Chance dared me, that if I run out of the classroom all of a sudden with my hands on my crotch, run all the way to the nurse's office and tell her "I just jizzed my pants" that he'd give me 20 bucks.
20 Bucks was a shitload of money to an 8th grader. That was like, 20 hacky sacks or 20 bars of candy from the dollar store, maybe even more since some of them were half price. Fuck it, I said, "ill fucking do it!". So like 15 minutes later in class, I let out an "oh god!" and everyone turned around to look directly at me. Honestly, I didn't expect this much attention, so instead of covering my junk with my hands, I just awkwardly strutted out of class while trying to look not as suspicious as possible. No idea to this day why the teacher didn't stop me from walking out the door.
Chance somehow wiggles his way out of class, too, and follows me in the hallway. "Dude, if you do this, I have to see it and hear you talking to the nurse in order for you to get the 20 bucks." he says. I agreed and we both walked to the nurse's office. I have no idea how i'm going to pull this off without laughing, so i just start rubbing my face to where it's red and trying to look sick and think about anything else.
"What can I help you with, sweetie?" says the nurse. "I JUST JIZZED IN MY PANTS" I shouted. She's confused, i'm not sure she understood what "jizz" meant at the time, or if she was just confused as to how I came in my pants (which i obviously later learned how to do). "What was that, dear?" she responded. "I just ejaculated in my pants" i replied, much calmer now. "Ok sweetie I think you should call your father" she says. She looks up my dad's number in the school directory and calls him *on speakerphone* and has me talk to him. Fuck. I didn't think my dad would get into this, but chance is over there giving me the look that I have to do this for the 20 bucks. Fuck it.
"Hello?" my dad answers "Yes this is Ms.--- the nurse at ----- Middle School, i have ford_f150 in my office today and i think he needs to talk to you." "Oh, okay. What's up, ford_f150?". Going back into character, i shouted "DAD I JUST JIZZED IN MY PANTS". "You what?!" "I just jizzed in my pants." "I have no idea what 'jizz' means". "I just ejaculated in my pants". At this point my friend chance starts to fucking lose it in the corner. Keep in mind, this is on the school speakerphone. The nurse's door is always open and I have no doubts this conversation could be heard well down the hallway. "Well, uh, why'd you ejaculate in your pants?" my dad says. Trying to think of a good reason at the moment, I blurted out "THERE WAS THIS HOT GIRL WHO HAD A NICE BUTT IN MY CLASS AND I JUST JIZZED THINKING ABOUT HER". I'm cringing typing this, the nurse looks over at me from her computer and her jaw fucking drops. I don't think I fully grasped how deep of shit I was in until this happened.
My dad, being the great dad he is, tried to console me in whatever way he could figure out. "Well, kiddo, it was probably just something called pre-ejaculation fluid." he had no idea he was on speaker phone. "When you think about girls that way for a long period of time, sometimes those things can happen and you'll feel really good but then you'll realize what just happened." So we're basically having the talk in the middle of the nurse's office at this point. I peek over at chance and he is just leaning against the wall trying so hard not to laugh. "You'll be ok though kiddo, alright? Just try to focus on schoolwork for the rest of the day". "Ok" i said desperate to end the fucking phone call and get the fuck out of the nurses office. The nurse sent us back to class with this strange look on her face (didnt even bother to ask why chance was there, now that i remember) and chance gave me the 20 dollars.
I get home to my mom and dad sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. Fuck. I knew what this shit meant. I sit down and they're like "so what happened at school today?" "Mom, dad, chance told me that he would give me 20 bucks if i went to the nurse and told her that I jizzed my pants, so i did and he actually gave me the 20 bucks". "Son, that is no way to be making money in this world, do you know what people are called when they do that for money?" "What?" "Whores. They're called whores, son. Do you want to be a whore?" (I'm sniffling at this point) "No." "Well good, now give me that damn 20 dollar bill. You're grounded."
**TL;DR: Was dared to go to the nurses office and tell the nurse that I jizzed my pants for 20 bucks. Ended up on the phone with my dad telling him that, still got the 20 bucks but later got grounded and had it taken away from me.**
JustBad2: Awww, that was honestly heart-breaking that your dad took the $20 in the end anyway.
Goomoonryoung: Wait so, its alright if he OP actually jizzed in his pants?
[deleted]: Yeah of course, wouldn't have been his fault.
| 4 | 104 | |
1407525770 | 1407603446 | t3_2d0acy | t5_2to41 | 445 | constipated_giraffe: TIFU by thinking my new boss was quoting LOTR.
On my first day of my new position, I had a meeting with my boss. My boss is a nerdy middle aged man. We are both engineers. I wanted to bond with him over something. I generally want to be liked.
The president of our corporate group was supposed to join us at the meeting, but he was running late. My boss says something along the lines of, 'he's the president, he'll come whenever he means to.'
Now, given his background, and a million of his mannerisms, I assumed he was a nerdy man. And, from that, and his particular oddly-specific wording, I assumed he was referencing the Lord of the Rings quote “A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.” I thought I'd let him know I understood that reference.
At which point I said, 'You didn't tell me our president was a wizard!'
My boss just stared at me. And then later had a discussion with me about developing a signal so he could let me know when I was being too weird.
[deleted]: I would have fired you for that
constipated_giraffe: Aww. Really? I mean well.
[deleted]: You are supposed to be professional in the work place, not referring to your superiors as Wizards.
constipated_giraffe: I take it you've never worked with engineers. Let alone, engineers who have toys on their desks that they play with during meetings. I wasn't that far off. He said he would have gotten it had it been a Star Trek reference.
It's the equivalent of someone saying, 'land of the free' abroad. You assume they're quoting the National Anthem, so you'd respond with something including, 'home of the brave.'
Yeah, it's still a fuck-up, but it's an unfortunate coincidence - not being unprofessional. Professional behavior is relative to the work environment.
[deleted]: >engineers who have toys on their desks that they play with during meetings.
Definitely not professional.
constipated_giraffe: What do you do for a living, if you don't mind my asking? What type of environment are you used to?
These aren't firetrucks. They're like...mind puzzles/magnetic balls. And I'm not the one playing with them.
I was meeting the environment (again, one with toys) that I was exposed to with a similar tone of speech when someone actually referenced an incredibly common quote.
[deleted]: I'm used to a professional environment where we don't play with toys at our desks :)
constipated_giraffe: Ah. The kind with sticks up everyone's asses?
[deleted]: No, just normal office workers who actually get laid at the end of the day
constipated_giraffe: Why do you think this sort of office behavior correlates with sexual activity?
[deleted]: The behavior of not playing with LOTR dolls correlates smoothly.
constipated_giraffe: You have horrid reading comprehension.
It's stuff like [this](http://creativewhack.com/) or [this](http://www.buy-buckyballs.net/).
Is google not professional?
http://www.google.com/about/company/facts/culture/
I have a lot of sex, thank you very much.
[deleted]: With what? Anime pillows don't count.
constipated_giraffe: [comment I shouldn't have made because someone is going to recognize me retracted]
Um...your mom?
[deleted]: So....you have 3 pillows then?
maxkmiller: Nice man, I *actually* clicked "see more" on this thread just to downvote you all these times.
[deleted]: Nice man, look how much karma I have. You're like a traffic cop trying to write Bill Gates a ticket
maxkmiller: Nice, hide behind the imaginary internet points. Whatever compensation ya need there, bud
I don't downvote to try to decrease your overall karma, i downvote because you're either a troll or just a serious idiot
[deleted]: You made it a point to specifically down vote my comments. You were trying to hurt me financially.
| 20 | 22.25 | |
1407527937 | 1407528441 | t3_2d0e74 | t5_2to41 | 9 | ThatShoeGuy: TIFU by f**king my gf
Okay so a little back story, im in my mid 20s and so is my girlfriend, we live together in an apartment an we both work jobs, obviously living together we have sex.
Now this is where the fuck up starts I was finally getting my first tattoo i was really exited and she was gonna come with me to get it, since she was going she figured she would get her belly button pierced at the same place! good idea right? a little bonding since we would both are there for each other while were going through some pain! so fast forward about 2 weeks theres all this stuff you cant do for the first two weeks when you get a tattoo like swim, and you cant pick and scratch at it while its healing so i figured sex wouldnt be a very good idea incase us rubbing against each other messed up the tattoo, also here stomach was pretty sore this whole time. so after my tattoos healed after the weeks her and I start to get frisky and playing were having sex now and after a little while i pull out and finish on her stomach, everything was fine right then an there we both shower an clean up. well fast forward another few days her belly button is red, puffy and very irritated, i guess cum dosnt do well inside your skin, so shes really sensitive right now and really mad at me lol, i told her if it dosnt get better in a few days we could go to the doctor. ill update if anything gets worse lolol
pobody: Infections are bad. Urgent care/emergency room. **NOW**.
CheeseMeHarder: Agreed. That shit can turn really bad really fast, I'd go to a doctor ASAFP
| 3 | 3 | |
1407528526 | 1407533099 | t3_2d0fa6 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by rejecting two hot women hitting on me so I could go to bed.
So traveling overseas I realize Denmark is FULL of gorgeous women. While I wasn't lucky with any of them on my final night there I went to the closest 7/11 to grab a bottle of water. I realize that tonight there are a ton of people out, drinking and partying. I go into the 7/11 and line up. There are two women in front of me, one a redhead, the other blonde. Both smoking hot. The redhead turns around and babbles something in Danish to me and sticks a lollypop in my face. Surprised, I go "Err, English?". She goes "It's for you". So I take the lollypop and say thanks. A second later she turns back around again and smiles at me as she pokes my chest.
Her: "So Aussie man, what are you doing tonight?"
(Yes, I'm Australia. I'm amazed she could tell by one word)
Me: "Not much. I'm traveling to Germany at 6am tomorrow."
Her: "Yeah?" *smiles* "You know, you can fly when you're drunk in Europe and you can just sleep on the plane. We're going to party tonight!"
Me: "You can? That's cool. I'm taking a train" (omg)
Her: "Where are you staying around here? ...I'm at a hotel not far from here" *She starts giggling*
Me: "I'm not far, I'm staying at a hostel, I just came to get some water then I need to get to bed"
Her: "Ok then...see you round Aussie man"
She leaves with her friend and they walk off down the street. 10 seconds later I realized what the hell I just did. Standing there with an over priced bottle of water and a passion fruit flavoured lollypop that was given to me. I had casually, calmly, rejected two hot Danish women wanting me to go and party and get drunk with them for 6 hours of sleep. Kill me.
SirDerp_Alot: Story twist. It was the beginning of Hostel and you just survived. Success!
dancingmrt: Doesn't matter, could've had sex.
| 3 | 5 | |
1407528673 | 1407548715 | t3_2d0fjj | t5_2to41 | 106 | chillybonesjones: TIFU by not having sex with a sixteen year-old virgin.
So...this happened ten years ago but I didn't realize I fucked up until a few weeks ago.
When I was a senior in high school I was dating a junior. I was seventeen when I graduated and she was sixteen. I didn't think we were very serious, had just gone out a few times over the last month or so of the semester, had fooled around in my car a few times. I knew she was a virgin, and being in a Catholic school, that may have meant a little more to us than to your average American high school junior; even though neither of us were personally religious, there's some psychological baggage that comes with teenage sex if you grew up in a Catholic family.
Anyway, one night she brings it up, which caught me a little off guard. She says "do you think we should have sex?" And I say, "yeah if that's what you want." She replies, "The problem is that I'm allergic to latex and I'm not on birth control." Now if I hadn't been an oblivious teenager I would have said, "let's just grab some latex-free condoms," but I didn't know that existed, so I said, "Well you should get on birth control." Then we made out and I got blue balls again and we went home.
Then I got to thinking: *You know, I'm about to go to college. And I really don't plan on staying together with this girl. And she's only sixteen, and her family is really religious, and she might be about to ask her mom about birth control... so I should probably not take her virginity then pretty much immediately dump her then leave and ignore her while I'm off partying at college a thousand miles away.*
So I broke up with her as nicely as I could, and go off to college. I saw her a couple more times over the next couple years when we were both back home in the summer, and we smoked and hung out and it was fine. Flash forward to three weeks ago (now 27): I move to SF, where she has lived ever since she went to college. I call her up, we go out, get drunk....
Turns out that my well-intentioned break-up was absolutely traumatizing, that she interpreted it as a flat-out sexual rejection, and that she has been agonizing over it for the past ten years. She said, "I just wish I had had my first time with you before you went away. Instead it was with someone I now consider the anti-Christ!! SOBBB!"
So there's 17-year-old me, horny as all hell but trying to be the good guy, take the wholesome health teacher's advice, not casually fuck the sensitive high school Catholic girl and break her heart, and turns out all I did was give her a horrible insecurity complex that she has yet to get over. Thanks, outdated-but-always-secretly-unrealistic moral standards for simultaneously cockblocking me and destroying this girl's sexual confidence for years.
EDIT: Misleading typo
ArcticRakun: Past can't be undone but wow that's a plot twist
dancingmrt: Like a schlama-lama-ding-dong kind of twist, from one of his Moving pictures.
PathlessDemon: Did you know those moving pictures have sound now? After a jaunt at the local roller-derby, I stopped in for a show and I was shocked by how much more I was drawn into the picture hearing the actors converse!
dancingmrt: Egads, what sorcery! Been tellin folks for years about the fear chinamen have for the picture boxes. I think im starting to understand their opium-scented rumors.
PathlessDemon: That those 52mm nitro-tape recording shandies steal your soul?
| 6 | 17.666667 | |
1407530119 | 1407708552 | t3_2d0i45 | t5_2to41 | 5 | 4good2vibes0: Tifu by throwing away some rare magic cards
Well when I was 11 my dad gave me a box of magic cards. Well 9 of them were black lotus cards. When I turned 13 I threw them all away. I had grown out of the trading card games and had gotten interested in other things. Come to find out if I would have kept up with them they would collectively been worth $20,000.
Fuck me running right?
pringlepringle: 9 black lotus cards... somehow don't believe
4good2vibes0: That's what I was told
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407531628 | 1407541691 | t3_2d0kpp | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by pissing my friend's mom's bed, then proceeding to shit his sisters floor; I'm a filth mongrel
This actually happened about a month and a half ago, but it cost me about $150 and will forever haunt me. This past june I headed up to SanFran and the bay(yay) area to party during gay pride weekend.
I had just finished my second year of college and was eager to get back to the good old days of getting completely hammered every night over summer. Skip forward a couple hours and we are having a kickback at my friend's pad in Walnut Creek, about 40 minutes from SF. I get completely belligerent, what's new, and end up in bed with my friend [april] we hook up every now and then, but this night i'm all about sleep.
We wake up, me still drunker than monkey, and the first words out of my mouth are "I'm soaked", thinking I was damp from sweating all the alcohol out the night before. Nothing is said otherwise and we go about the day.
Skip to after the pride parade and we go back to the house to party again. Mind you I hadn't eaten much all weekend and was running on wild turkey and circoc and i get completely smashed, again, and wind up with [april] IN THE SAME BED, AGAIN.
I wake up the next morning nauseous and more hungover than i've been in years. The side of the bed i had slept of for the past 2 nights was now discolored and showed a large 6' stain. After confirming that I had pissed all over his mom's new mattress my friend starts to explain how fucked I am. Its at this point my nerves and nausea get the better of me and a large gas bubble forms in my stomach. Thinking its only gas i release only to shart on my leg and have some excrement drip off my leg onto his sister carpet. I run to the bathroom to shit.
My friend comes to change the sheets on the piss ridden bed and finds the shit. Not knowing what is he starts to examine it closely and even touch it. (apparently it smelled like corn nuts, I have no idea) I come back into the room looking like I just saw a ghost and say, "Hey, don't touch that, it's from my ass." to which his only response it to look up from the carpet with my shit on his fingers wide eyed saying "no...no"
I clean the shit off the carpet and we leave the room to air out w/his parents coming home a couple days. They call when they get home demand to know why there's a crystalized piss stain on their new $1,200 mattress. Tell me I have to buy them a new one.
Call Stanley Steamer and get that shit done for $150 but still can never see my friends parents again, and they loved me.
hikingboots_allineed: I think this is the point where you're supposed to realise that you're drinking too much and cool it down. Getting wasted enough to piss the bed is only 'cool' when you're a student.
If you're a student, carry on. You need something to look back at and regret.
SlapCrackandHop: I go to a UC and have a 3.2 so i'm not the worst kid ever
| 3 | 1 | |
1407530634 | 1407539704 | t3_2d0j0u | t5_2to41 | 20 | pizzamosh: TIFU by peeing in a girl's mouth during head
So this happened to me a bit ago, but this story is from when I was with a group traveling to a foreign country. We were staying in this hostel, and this girl and I had hooked up a few times during our trip previously to this particular fuck up. Now as the night started off, I handled four or five shots easily and then began to consume four beers. This isn't a lot for me but enough to have a good night and still enjoy the buzz. Now my buddy had brought a bottle of aged whiskey and he foolishly decided to share it with the girl he liked instead of one of our friends. He clearly wanted to do shit with this girl later in the night. The only problem was that this was the girl I had already been doing shit with and nobody told me that he was also interest in hooking up with her. If I knew I probably would have not continued to do shit with her.
Anyways, we started to make out and we decided we should go to one of the bathrooms connected to our bunk beds. I pulled down my pants and she got the idea and started to blow me. I luckily remembered to lock the door just to avoid any awkward situation but it didn't seem to matter much. This other guy who was traveling with us had a mental issue and he spent a good 15 minutes trying to open the bathroom door by picking the lock. He didn't really grasp the idea that he shouldn't do this so we eventually left to find a new spot. (FYI it takes me a while to cum) we went to one of the other bathrooms and I was too distracted and I forgot to lock the door. We were naked this whole time also, clothes were taken off and left in the room a long time ago.
She continued to blow me, and my buddy who was earlier snaked and not given any alcohol opened the door and gagged, (his gag reflex sucks) and we then made the decision to go into the shower and she gave me some shower head. Then, as we got bored of that and were forced to leave because someone wanted to take a shower, we began to dry off. As we were drying off I began to dry off my dick and balls and look in the mirror as I did so. She whispered in my ear that I had such a big cack (she had an American accent so I thought it was funny how she said cock.) I forgot to mention this was her first time giving head so she really didn't know what she was doing, and I was forced to skull fuck her for long periods of time to make sure I could be pleased to the best of her ability.
Anyways, we left the building and went outside to find a better spot where we wouldn't be disturbed. We came across an empty basketball court and we decided this would be a good place to continue. I stood in the corner and she continued to blow me while I stood to make sure nobody came in although I doubted anyone would I still thought it was a good idea. After another half an hour, she had been blowing me for one hour total at this point, (I know, what's wrong with me) I began to feel a weird sensation in my cock... which wasn't cum. Before I could fully process what this was it was too late. Pee squirted out of my dick and into her mouth, as she took her mouth off pee splashed on her face and I quickly cut the stream off (this hurts a lot, you guys know what I'm saying) she questioned me and asked, "what the fuck was that?? I answered with, "uhhh don't worry it's pre cum it means you're doing a good job." (she wasn't, I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.) I then turned around from her and pissed all over the court and then I turned around and she continued.
After another 30 minutes we decided to go inside because it was getting kind of cold, and my dick was pretty sore at this point. I didn't clue in to the extent of this situation until the day after. Either way we went inside and into the bottom bunk where the guy who gagged was with this girl of his own. They were trying to sleep and we didn't really give them any pleasant lullabies. After about two hours of her blowing me, by this point it felt like sand paper rubbing against my burning cock. I was seconds away from telling her to stop when she pokes her head up and says, " what the fuck is wrong with you why aren't you cumming??" I really didn't know the answer to this.
I grabbed my dick in my hand and I felt pretty bad at this point so I started to jerk myself off while she sucked on my tip, finally after another ten or so minutes I pulled out and came about one guarter of a normal cum load, (really strange feeling I don't recommend it.) on her face. She then yelled, "ewww it's in my nose" she got up and ran over the the bathroom to sort herself out. The people trying to sleep above me weren't to happy. Telling me and her to shut the fuck up and stop doing shit. I agreed at this point. My dick felt raw and disgusting and I was longing for a good night's sleep. The morning after, my friends told me how she was complaining that she had purple bruises in her mouth and her jaw was all sore. I had trouble peeing and picking up my dick to pee for the next week. It got better ever day but it still took time. I never thought something like that would happen to me. Oh also I was 15.
TL;DR Girl was giving me head, peed in her mouth, bruised her mouth with my dick, got head for over 2 hours and barely came, woke up with sore cock.
ghettomuffin: What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
_engy: Okay a simple 'wrong' would have done just fine, but ...
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1407532408 | 1407536089 | t3_2d0m2t | t5_2to41 | 3 | deepthoughts1: TIFU by ejaculating in my pants while making out with my gf
So I'm in my early 20s.. full of sexual urges. It's really frustrating when you have a girlfiend and make out with her often but never get off. We've dated for two months but no sex yet. So I've been blue balled many times (yes it hurts really..i mean physically). There hasn't even been a oral from her although I did ask. With my frustration level fully stacked up, while I was intensely stimulating her clitoris during the usual makeout, I placed my gf's hand over my penis area over the pants. As the stimulation grew more intense, she grabbed my cock over the pants. She wasn't jacking me off but like holding it tight. As sexually frustrated I was, I kept fingering her genital and her grasp on my cock grew harder.
and it happend.
I felt the orgasm building up, I knew I had to stop her because I was about to cum. But it was too late. I cummed in my pants.
We slowly stopped the makeout afterwards. I told her I had to leave..
I walked all the way back home trying to hide the wet stain on my pants. It wasn't fun
t1tg: Two months? What's so great about her that you stay in a relationship?
deepthoughts1: now that i think about it, nothing really.
Yourmothersmoist: She did make you blow by holding your dick. Sounds like a gem? Ahaha
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1407534161 | 1407604527 | t3_2d0p6m | t5_2to41 | 8 | I-trusted-you: TIFU by being "naked" in the park
So i wake up every morning on the weird days(Monday andWednesday) for XC practice. We didn't have practice one day and I decided to hit up my homie to make up for our fallen practice. We went for a run in the saharan heat and I was covered in sweat like a baby oiled potato. I took off my shirt and went to the public fountain that was attached to a bathroom. This is where shit got real. There was apparently a little camp for kids and a kid ran out and looked at me and whispered something to his devilish companion. He looked at me again and screamed, "WHY ARE YOU NAKED!?" I chuckled a little until two ladies came out and started to harass me....saying I rid the virginity of this childs eyes and I should cover up.....rada rada. So me, a 6 4 black dude is just getting yelled at by kids that think I am naked while parents give me the middle finger eye. Not only that, a random Caucasian guy walks out of the restroom with no shirt in the middle of this and no one gave a single fuck :(
Dinosoarman: Not a fuckup. At least you werent actually
#####NAKED
I-trusted-you: Haha true, I probably wouldn't get to write this if that was the case xD
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1407533981 | 1407547375 | t3_2d0oum | t5_2to41 | 20 | animalplanetfanatic: TIFU by disobeying my mother.
Hi, reddit! I've been passively reading most of these TIFUs lately (and by passively, I mean without any written comment.) and now I have decided to post my own. Obviously this did not happen today, and I have a lot of other TIFUs that fortunately didn't happen today either. (Sorry if you find any grammatical or spelling errors, English is not my first language, but I rarely even speak my native language anyways so I expect there to be not much difficulty reading this. And sorry, you didn't really have to read this...)
Anyways, this happened when I was about 13. So, it's a Monday and my mum and dad had left me at home to go to work for the day, because I had really bad hay fever and would have trouble concentrating at school. Last night, we had a barbecue because of the amazing change of hearts Londoners have when the British weather finally shows us it's good face. This resulted in the arrival of most of my lovely aunties and uncles; and being handed many, many, sweets. My favourite was a huge tub of those soft, chewy, colourful Haribo's.
Of course, one of the last things my parents told me before they left was NOT to eat those soft, chewy, colourful pieces of angel poo. I didn't know why. Probably because last night I had a terrible headache and kept sneezing as the smog from my garden filled the whole neighbourhood. (Eugh, I can actually feel my eyes watering and remember how horrible it was smelling the barbecue and not being able to participate in the smog fest.) So, back to the sweets. As a thirteen year old girl you do not want to be told that you cannot have any sweets. And my parents weren't that strict anyways.
So, when I worked out that they were too far away from the house to notice, I rolled out of bed and stomped down the stairs in an almost drunken fashion. I was too dizzy to even care. I hadn't had any breakfast yet, but I wanted to open that box of Haribo's because I didn't have a chance to when I slept too early the night before.
When I got round to the box, I popped one into my mouth excitedly and I didn't even chew on it. It was just one after the other, and you could say I literally stuffed my face into a box of sweets. But then, with a mouthful of Haribo's, I heard it. Someone knocking on the door. By the sequence of four knocks at a time, I could tell it was my mum. Now keep in mind that I feel almost drunk with tiredness and watery-eyed, so I can barely see anything and I am a snotty mess. The door is just a hallway away from the kitchen, and I, dribbling and gagging, struggle to open the lock and let my mother in.
So in an act of desperation, I try to swallow all these Haribos at once to make it as if I had never touched them. But I just start choking and I bang on my side of the door, scrambling for help. Doing this, I rip out the chain in the door and my mum opens it just as I stick my hands into my mouth and try purging all the sweets out of myself in a panic. They all come out at once, and I am laying on the floor covered in my own Haribo vomit and tears, under a shoe rack.
As I look up, all I see is a blurry image of my mum at the front door looking down and laughing as if to say, 'I told you so'.
My throat BURNED for the rest of the week or so, and every time I was offered Haribos or marshmallows, I was reminded of this.
(Explanation for my mum coming back home: she had forgotten her umbrella and came to pick it up before it would rain in the afternoon)
TL;DR- was told by mum not to eat the sweets. had to regurgitate them out of desperation of her finding out. she laughs as i cry into my own vomit.
Dinosoarman: Why would you not eat them anyways? If there's food on the counter, eat ig!
animalplanetfanatic: No no no no no. You don't understand. I'm from an oriental family. Not that strict, generous givers, but when it comes to food... anyways she didn't want me to eat it because it isn't healthy and she always makes me ginger tea when I'm sick and I have to eat a lot of greens
Dinosoarman: Bullshit.
Ignore your parents, eat everything.
Starberrywishes: I did exactly that when I was little and that only got my sore throat worse , ended up with hacking blood out.
| 5 | 4 | |
1407526503 | 1407537382 | t3_2d0bnn | t5_2to41 | 12 | fuckthisshitimtired: TIFU by leaving out my to-do list for my boss to see.
I work as a lifeguard at the local pool. We're a pretty informal operation. My boss doesn't really come in during the summer and just lets one of the supervisors run it, which isn't ever a problem.
This morning, I had to work the 5:30-8:30 shift and the 11:00-12:00 shift. While waiting for the old people to get out of the locker rooms after the first shift, I wrote up my to-do list. Everything was pretty innocent, except for "clean bong." I was about to put all my stuff in my purse, but then one of the old ladies called me over to complain about the water temperature and I ended up leaving my list on the table next to the pool with the cash box and all my lifeguard stuff.
I then went to take a nap because I had been awake at fucking 4am. I figured no one would see the list--I would be the only lifeguard there until 1.
Of course, my boss decides to make her second appearance of the summer while I was sleeping. When I woke up before my next shift, she reminded me not to "leave your to-do lists laying around--it's inappropriate."
So my middle-aged mormon boss knows about my weed habit now. Luckily, she has fired exactly zero people in her many years of working here, but I'm a bit scared that she'll tell my parents. Oh well. Fuck.
Dinosoarman: How old are you op?
fuckthisshitimtired: 18
Dinosoarman: Then your parents have no control over you. Ignore it and move on.
fuckthisshitimtired: They're helping pay for college. They have a lot of control over me.
Dinosoarman: I'm sure your parents have smoked weed once or twice. Dont worry
fuckthisshitimtired: They have. Thanks, I'll try to stop worrying :)
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1407534855 | 1407814082 | t3_2d0qel | t5_2to41 | 31 | ThatVaseWasMahogany: TIFU by breaking my 90-year-old Grandfather's priceless vase, and losing the ashes of my Grandmother.
The day was Friday.
The day started as any other Friday.
The day was not any other Friday.
My children ran into my room and pounced on my bed, awaking me from my slumber. My wife walked in with a cup of tea and opened the curtains, revealing a beautiful, sun-filled day. As I sipped the milky liquid, I pondered the perfectness of this moment - the possibilities of this day.
I arose, scooping my son and daughter up and carrying them to the spare room where we had hidden all of the presents. My grandfather's 90th birthday.
We carried them with great care to the elderly man's room, singing 'Happy Birthday to you!' and carrying a Victoria Sponge cake the children had baked - his favourite.
One lone candle sat upon the cake, which my 4-year-old daughter blew out. We all shared the cake, him eating just a small slice in his elderly age.
He opens the presents - a watch, Rolex, exactly what he wanted - a pair of socks, Asda, exactly what he didn't. Then the biggest surprise - a piece of paper, lovingly wrapped, the words upon it?
This voucher gives our Great Granddaddy to a ride in the very front of a Steam Train! You can only use it today though.
Next to it, my son's beautifully drawn picture of a red Steam Train, my grandfather riding in the front.
The smile on his face could only be described in one way - perfect. His eyes lit up in a way I could never have imagined as he saw his dream's come true.
We all went our separate ways to get ready. My wife took the family bathroom while my children talked to their Great Grandfather.
I glanced at the clock - 9:15 AM. Not perfect. Running late.
I make a decision.
A bad decision.
A TIFU decision.
I took my shower in my Grandfather's en-suite bathroom. I do my thing - everythings going fine - we'll be running back on time. I'm stood, naked, about to pull on my socks, when the door to the bathroom swings open.
Faulty lock.
Me - naked.
A human about to be scarred by an unforgettable view of my naked buttocks.
My arms flail up in shock, aiming to hit the light switch and dim the view.
I miss.
I miss by many, many centimetres.
I feel my hand impact on something hard.
Something solid.
Something cold.
A crash.
Ash flies everywhere.
Crap.
Realisation sets in.
As I stand, my naked body in all of it's glory, my 90-year-old Grandfather watching in horror from the bathroom door, I realise.
I just knocked my Grandfather's priceless vase-turned-urn containing my Grandma's ashes onto the floor.
Today was not perfect, Reddit.
Today I Fucked Up.
TL:DR Took a shower in my grandfather's en-suite so he wouldn't miss his birthday Steam Train ride. He walked in on me naked and I knocked the priceless vase-turned-urn containing his dead wife's ashes onto the floor in shock. TIFU.
FrankThe6ftRabbit: Needs a TL;DR
ThatVaseWasMahogany: Ah, sorry, TL:DR I took a shower in my grandfather's en-suite so he wouldn't miss his birthday Steam Train ride. He walked in on me naked and I knocked the priceless vase-turned-urn containing his dead wife's ashes onto the floor in shock. TIFU.
FrankThe6ftRabbit: I read the whole thing anyway. Did your grandfather ever get his train ride?
ThatVaseWasMahogany: Yeah - my wife cleared it up the best she could and I got him and the kids ready. We were a little late in the end but he got his Steam Train ride all the same. It certainly made the day less enjoyable, but I hope he'll remember it for the train and not for my clumsy stupidity :)
FrankThe6ftRabbit: Also, I have to ask, did you create an account just to post this?
| 6 | 5.166667 | |
1407536338 | 1407725095 | t3_2d0sw1 | t5_2to41 | 273 | mnmluver2598: TIFU by getting bleach in my asshole.
This TIFU happened about a week ago, and it has only been about three days where I can take a shit without writhing in agony. It seems that many people on reddit have a rather complicated relationship with their lower orifices :)
So anyways, it all started out with my craving with Taco Bell. As you all know the cheap Mexican food chain is notorious for giving people digestive problems, but that's not why we eat it do we :)? I got the nacho bell grande, and two bean burritos.
Fast forward 3 hours later, and my mother tells me that we are going to my aunt's house for a little family get together. Ugh, that woman is what you call a germaphobe, she even keeps plastic wraps all over her toilet seats *(ten years ago, she screamed at me, slapped my face, and told my mother we had to go, for accidentally pissing on the toilet seat, I'm 16 btw)*.
So after our little dinner, I had to go to the bathroom. I felt the Taco Bell creating a shit storm inside of me. Thinking back of my childhood incident with her, I took precautionary measures to ensure my well being. I went into her laundry room, and got a bottle of bleach.
In the restroom, i poured the bleach in the toilet bowl, not knowing how much was enough. I thought that if my shit all over, the bleach will get it off the sides. So I proceed with my shit. Expecting diarrhea, I was in for a surprise, A gigantic 10 inch, solid, really dense, piece of shit came out from my ass, and created one of those splashes where you cringe from the feel of toilet water sloshing against you.
The first thing in my mind was, whew, at least this would be a easy mess to clean up, the next was, *HOLY FUCKING SHIT, MY ASSHOLE IS ON FIRE!!*. It literally felt as if flames were tearing my anus apart. I quickly sat up, not even bothering to wipe my ass and ran to my mom.
I told her what had happened, and her seeing the agony on my face, decided to go the ER. So in the hospital, I was basically giving this little lining to put around my asshole, to keep it from getting exposed to bacteria, and was treated with antibiotics, just in case any toilet water had gotten through. Basically the bleach had ate away all of the first layer of my shit hole, and a little of second layer, equivalent to a second degree burn.
However the part that lingered in my mind was **FUCK, I DIDN'T EVEN FLUSH!** However thankfully, the first thing my aunt had said when she called me, was if I was okay, and that she was never going to let me use the bathroom again.
tl;dr: I put excessive amounts of bleach in the toilet, took a shit, the splash melts through my asshole
a_drunken_monkey: You know this isn't how you bleach your asshole right?
Seniornosleep: It isn't?
a_drunken_monkey: Of course not, solo anal bleaching is not recommended ever, what you wanna do is grab a pillow, a funnel, some wd40 and a nice flat surface, a kitchen table works well, get onto the table and get onto your knees then using your hands lower your head gently onto the pillow, head position isn't important but you wanna be comfortable, now reach back with both hands and spread your cheeks apart as far as possible, here your partner comes in, they gently spray your now agape anus with wd40 and slowly insert the funnel, next step is obvious, take 1 half gallon a bleach diluted with about 25% lemon juice and dump that directly into your anus, recovery time is usually 20-30 minutes and voila! Enjoy your freshly bleached asshole
^^^^dont ^^^^do ^^^^any ^^^^of ^^^^this
Seniornosleep: I'm gonna choose to ignore that last part. TY M80, gonna go bleach my ass.
a_drunken_monkey: No prob! Say could you record this? You know for a visual aide for everyone else?
Seniornosleep: I'll have to ask your mother about that.
a_drunken_monkey: Is this how you treat your friends who give you anal bleaching tips? That's low man.
Seniornosleep: You should ask your mom what else is low about me.
a_drunken_monkey: Yea, I already heard, I know all about your self esteem issues
Seniornosleep: I was talking about my peepee!
a_drunken_monkey: Yea I know, she said that's the reason for the self esteem issues, its okay though you shouldn't let it define you
Seniornosleep: You got me. GG.
a_drunken_monkey: I had fun, GG m8
Seniornosleep: Dude, send me a PM to add you on Steam or something. I'm at my camphouse, so I'll get to it Monday.
a_drunken_monkey: No Steam account, I couldn't get high speed internet until 2 or 3 months ago so I'm a little bit behind, otherwise I'd be all for it
Seniornosleep: Hey dude, if you ever make a Steam account, here's mine.
http://steamcommunity.com/id/kebbleisgay/
| 17 | 16.058824 | |
1407536157 | 1407563137 | t3_2d0skg | t5_2to41 | 28 | ToiletCloggerInc: Tifu (yes, today) by clogging the work toilet for the second time this week.
Hello Reddit
This isn't a "i shat my pants" story, no, i actually made it to the toilet. Which, in this case, is oddly relevant.
I'm a dude, and as a dude, i have a tight shitting schedule, this schedule is somewhat flexible in a way that i can change my shitting time from morning to afternoon over the course of a couple of days.
Now, everyone has heard about the glorious deed called, "payroll-poo". Having only tried this once earlier at another job i found myself curious about a month ago. After i tried it and got paid for an awesome shit, i wanted to try it again a couple of days later. After a while i couldn't stop, my shit schedule had changed to the afternoons, and i couldn't give a shit less (hah) getting paid for using my turd production line about once every other to 3 shifts.
Now keep in mind, that the toilet is in the basement (red flag right there) and that it had a notice which states "If you poop, please flush the toilet until it is empty, otherwise it will clog the toilet" (10^5 red flags). I was afraid at first, but after about 3 or 4 shits i got a little bit lazier.
Until last Tuesday, when i forgot that warning.
At first it did go well, my poo flushed away, and i started to clean the toilet up. While flushing the second time, the water got up to the rim of the bowl and panicked for a bit. I didn't want to be "that guy". To my greatest relieve the water sloooooowly made it's way down the drain, and i thought by myself "if i only flush this motherfucker some more times it will be fixed in no-time".
Yeah, you could guess it right? That didn't work. Then i remembered that i had seen a plunger earlier, so i went to get it. Genius right? Using a plunger to unstick the shit, and go on with my life. I flushed the toilet and let the water get halfway down when i started to plunge. To my greatest satisfaction i heard water gurgling. Enthusiastically i plunged it some more times while the water was slowly seeping away.
Around this time i stood up again with a satisfactory grin which disappeared as soon as i looked to my right. (As i forgot to mention this is a toilet and shower in one room.) As water started coming out of the fucking shower drain!
I panicked and called my girlfriend who only laughed at my miserable situation. While i called her the water started running back slowly which made me realize that i couldn't fix this myself.
At this time this shenanigan had taken about 45 minutes including the shitting so i had to hurry up. First i made a sign that i put on the toiled door that stated that the toilet was out of service, then i had to write a note for my boss so he could fix a plumber the next day where i came clean that i clogged the toilet while keeping quiet of the shitting part.
Meanwhile my coworker was probably wondering where i had been in an hour so i searched for her and had to tell the whole story. She ofc, also laughed.
Fast forward to today, and i felt my tummy rumbling, and for the first time since "the incident" i had the balls to take a payroll poo, which i now regret. The poo was a 6/10, floating logs, for the curious people. And i actually emptied the toilet while flushing. But as last time, the second flush the water came up to the rim of the bowl and slowly ran away. This time it came also up from the shower drain without plunging.
I didn't even bother to plunge, and instead called my girlfriend to tell her "oops I did it again". As this had taken about 20 minutes, my coworker went looking for me, and tried to open the toilet door. I said a quick goodbye to my girlfriend mumbling something about a plunger, and made the walk of shame to write a new "toilet out of service" notice.
This time i didn't even bother to write a note to my boss. And as this happened on a friday, the toilet won't get fixed until earliest Monday.
Reddit, today i fucked up.
**TL;dr:** I won't take a payroll-poo no more :(
EDIT: i will go to sleep for now, but will happily answer on the comments tomorrow
helenseberry1: This is a good tifu. I laughed. It's not your fault man, they should get a better toilet....
ToiletCloggerInc: Yeah, but the shame..
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1407531246 | 1407549499 | t3_2d0k1k | t5_2to41 | 8 | wtfschmuck: TIFU by letting my brother drive my car.
Last weekend I made the trek from North Carolina to New Jersey for a family reunion. Rather than ride in a van with my sister's 3 young children for the 7.5 hour journey I decided that I would take my POS car up with my younger brother. I figured, hey it's made it to NYC and back, it'll be fine. And on the way there, other than him getting us lost, all was fine.
Cut to the return trip. To avoid us getting lost again I drove the first half so as to get us going in the right direction before he takes over. I get us to just past DC when we switch. I work third shift so by that time I'm exhausted and not really paying attention. A couple hours later I glance over and see that he's going up to 100mph to pass and staying at a pretty constant 90mph. I normally don't take her over 75/80 because then she starts to rattle and doesn't really seem to like it. But for whatever reason I'm like "no worries, it'll be fine."
All of a sudden he starts freaking out, "Hey! The car is smoking! What do I do? Does your car normally do this?" I get him to pull over and pop the hood. I guess because he's a guy I figured he'd know something about cars, but when I went to check the oil and coolant and he had no idea about either (then again he made the awesome comment of "Why would the put 90 on the speedometer if you're not supposed to go that fast?"). Eventually the car stops smoking and the oil looks okay. That about ends my ability to troubleshoot a car. We start her backup and try to take it slow. Now there's a sweet rattling/knocking noise.
It's starting to get dark and we have no idea what to do. Luckily we see an exit for a gas station that's pretty close so we go for it. We pull in and get a guy to take a look at it. He says it could be a bunch of stuff and takes off. Now we have to start calling our parents to let them know what's going on, which was a couple fun conversations ("YOU WERE GOING HOW FAST?!?"). I went into the gas station to get their info, let them know not to tow my car, and to get a garage reference.
My sister was an hour away so she came and rescued us, I stayed at my mom's for the night, trained into my city the next day (train was 3 fucking hours late too, thanks Amtrak), and walked to work that night. And it looks like I'll be taking that 20 minute walk twice a day for a while. I had to mail the key to the garage and because it's in the middle of fucking nowhere (Bracey, VA) and the soonest it could get there was two days. I talked to them today and they said the engine was shot, something about engine rods. Thankfully I got most of my stuff out of it when I got picked up by my sister. I'm torn between going back up there to get the rest of my stuff or just abandoning all of it. I'm currently googling places that buy junk cars. I don't have the money for a new one. I'm lucky my boyfriend and me's workplaces are walking distance. Getting groceries is going to be a clusterfuck, but I guess we'll make due.
TL;DR I had to abandon my POS car in Bumfuck, VA after my brother broke it by going 90mph.
nicopoulosp: What car was it?
wtfschmuck: 2001 chevy cavalier
iamthedigitalcheese: Cavaliers are barely made to go 70. They have notorious overheating issues.
wtfschmuck: Thanks for the heads up
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1407536960 | 1407543297 | t3_2d0txg | t5_2to41 | 19 | 0huehuehue: TIFU by taking a dump
Took a dump and started playing WordBase, battery died & put my phone on top of my boxers like I always do.
Stopped dumping my stuff into the toilet & pulled my pants up.
Forgot about the phone being there and suddenly it was in the toilet, covered in shit.
What a way to kick off weekend.
OldieButNotMoldy: Nope my phone would be lost forever RIP phone.
Thermohaline: Wait till you have kids and have to change diapers, your relationship with shit will change. Just wash your hands.
OldieButNotMoldy: I have a kid he's not in diapers lol. I have always been this way I just can't, I can handle anything else. I'm a firefighter/emt I've seen things others could never handle. As soon as there is shit I'm like, nope this ones yours.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1407537919 | 1407555785 | t3_2d0vg0 | t5_2to41 | 91 | Whatdididotoyou: TIFU by cold clocking a random bitch that thought it would be funny to pour a pitcher of beer down my back
[deleted]: Whoever does that to someone deserves a good smack. Hopefully you didn't hurt her too bad just enough to learn a lesson. **Don't fuck with people with their back turned.
[deleted]: Especially if they're trying to take a piss. She's lucky she didn't get hit and pissed on.
[deleted]: Wait, as he writes that he was still pissing while turning around there might be a good chance she was hit AND pissed on...
Whatdididotoyou: Pretty certain she was. Didnt stick around long enough to verify.
DrunkPython: If you really wanted to look like the dominant male you should have finished peeing on her while making eye contact to thw crowd.
Whatdididotoyou: This. This made me lose it. Lol I probably would have gotten jumped but, it may very well have been worth it
| 7 | 13 | |
1407536709 | 1407546810 | t3_2d0tj8 | t5_2to41 | 11 | leRedditArmyStrong: TIFU by giving my phone to my gf
First I want to apologyse since english is not my first language and I dont know how to tell a story.
This just happened, my gf my bro and me went to the movies and on the line to enter the movie we started talking about relationships. Then came up a female friend of mine that we went through some trouble and recently we started texting again. So I gave my gf my phone so she could se how cool we where. The thing is I forgot that the last thing I discussed with my frien was how im planning to propose to my gf. So when I remember I yanked the phone from her hands and telled "Wait you cant read that!!!".
My gf is now upset because I dont trust her and is not talking to me. So much for a fun night out.
Update: It occurred to me to just tell her I was getting her a gift and wanted to surprise her. Technically Im not lying and it eased her mind.
frozenanuran: Too bad OP. I await a TIFUpdate.
leRedditArmyStrong: I think I managed to save the night and make it seem like it wasnt such a big deal. Hopefully she doesnt get suspicious of how serious of a surprise Im going to give her. :D
frozenanuran: Maybe but she is gonna be extra suspicios now. Proceed with caution OP.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1407532881 | 1407572118 | t3_2d0myy | t5_2to41 | 5 | kamkamikola: TIFU by blowing up a flaming bottle
So this FU isn't from today but from two years ago.
My family and I are in Poland at my gran's house which is in a rural area and so it's possible to have campfires in the 'garden' (a field) without any trouble. We are having this campfire late at night and my gran has a few plum trees and there's hundreds of plums there so I think it won't be a problem if I pluck a few non-ripe plums and put them in an empty cola bottle, close it tight and drop it in the fire. Wrong. I am sitting there, half a metre (my English is correct, Murica', thank you) away from the fire when the damn thing explodes (still don't quite know why it did but I'm sure it has something to do with gases taking up more space than solids and liquids? Someone tell me). Flaming, plastic shrapnel is now flying off in all directions and it was so damn scary, I opened my mouth when it happened so a piece of that shrapnel went into my mouth, touching my lip on the way in. I spat it out really fast and sat there for a minute, then decided to ask my mum if my face burnt, she said it is so I start panicking and run into the house, look in the mirror and part of my lip is white so I'm just like, fuck fuck fuck fuck, what can I do? So I ask my mum and she says she'll put some cream stuff on it. Then I came back to the campfire and ate a few sausages very carefully with a painful lip. And that is it for today, Redditors.
**tl;dr Flaming bottle blew up in my face causing flaming shrapnel to burn my lip.**
janhellyca: I'm guessing it was Polish sausages that you consumed? lol
kamkamikola: Indeed
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1407538884 | 1407626686 | t3_2d0wy3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by leaving my "soaking" cup out
This actually happened about a year ago but the whole scene is forever burned into my mind.
Pre-story: I had recently gotten a new piercing (the below the belt, bling-bling on my thing-thing, "gasp why would you do that" variety) and was doing the proper after-care procedures of soaking it in salt water 3 times a day. It was annoying at first but eventually I had it down to an easy routine: get naked, fill a coffee mug with water, add salt, stir, add genitalia. I would then sit down at my chair and squeeze the cup between my thighs and play on the internet for a few minutes. I would then do a bow-legged hobble towards the bathroom holding mug in hand so I wouldn't drip all over the floor, pour and rinse. Easy peasy.
One time I was distracted mid-soak by my room mates so I placed the soaking cup on my desk threw on my clothes and left. You can see where this is going.
Later that night I had a girl over. For some reason after my piercing they seemed to come out of the woodwork drawn by curiosity to my sparkly meat. I was definitely not healed yet but BJ's were being offered left and right so who was I to refuse? It was extremely painful, every time I would get completely aroused it would feel like someone was shoving toothpicks into my urethra, and I would start to get flaccid. I have to hand it to this woman, she was determined. She kept going in this cycle until I finally had the most painful and satisfactory climax of my life - and she swallowed.
As I lay there panting and immediately regretting my decision I hear her ask "is this water?". Honestly I wasn't in the right state of mind to process her question at that time, I remember mumbling something incoherently and watching as she brought my soak mug to her lips and took a swig.
I felt my eyes grow large. I see her eyes grow large. We are now staring at each other, wide eyes like that little emoji face with the blushy cheeks. Me being the little asshat that I am, suddenly burst out with a "BWAAAAAAAAAHAAAHAAA!" and she covers her mouth with her hand and runs out of my room. Then I feel terrible as I hear her vomiting and what seemed like hours later she enters my room again and proceeds to chew me out for being the most disgusting human being for leaving that out.
Based on my reaction I now know what a terrible human being I am.
TL;DR - I left my salty dick juice cup out, girl drank it trying to wash down my cum and threw up while I laughed manically.
The_Real_Evil_Steve: So, she'll take your dick in her mouth and that's fine, but drinking salty water that your dick was in is gross.
Right. Makes perfect sense.
This is why I don't date.
enginespumping: u don't date because you're worried of your mate drinking salty water that you put your dick in?
ok
The_Real_Evil_Steve: Her thought process as I see it.
Dick=not gross
Thing that dick has been in=gross
That's some fucked up right there.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1407540890 | 1407551639 | t3_2d1048 | t5_2to41 | 289 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my bluetooth speaker on while showering.
Let me set the stage for you as this all happened today. I'm currently staying at my aunts condo in California. My family doesn't get to see each other that much because we are all so scattered around America, it's rare to have so many relatives under the same roof. Two of my uncles are here and 4 of my cousins. Additionally there are a few relatives this is my first time meeting.
This morning we decide to hike through Crystal Cove, when we returned after lunch around 1, we started playing some ping pong in the garage. I play some tunes through my mini jam box via bluetooth and my iPhone. When we are finished we all go inside and I set my jam box down in the living room... where everyone is sitting. 30 minutes later I decided to take a shower , feeling extremely horny. I navigate to my favorite porn site and for some reason today I was in the mood for hardcore. Somehow I find this weird video of two chicks boxing and eventually well, you know.
After completion I swipe to turn my phones brightness up and this is when I realized I fucked up. Bad. Worse than anything I've ever done before in my life. My iPhone was still paired to the mini jam box and I filled the living room with awkward hardcore lesbian sex noises.
I didn't want to leave that bathroom... I seriously think I consider suicide. The past 3 hours have been the most awkward to date of my life.
Tl;dr - jerked off in the shower while all the audio from my porn entertained my entire family in the living room via Bluetooth speaker
dogtographer: Did anyone say anything about it?
pawnbroker00: Yes - it was awful.
chrstnaprz: What did they say?
pawnbroker00: By the time I scraped the balls to get out - half my family left. The other half tried to play it cool but I exposed my 7 & 10 year old cousins to some sounds their parents weren't too happy about so me and my aunt had a little talk.
chrstnaprz: Ah that sounds painful.
| 6 | 48.166667 | |
1407542028 | 1407544996 | t3_2d11r6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: tifu by smoking way to much pot and my parents are about to come home.
My parents left the house to go and work. So I was like, I should smoke a little bit of pot. Now it turns out that they're coming for lunch, and I just smoked the best, strongest blunt of my life. I'm blazed as fuck.
They'll be here in 30 mins. What to do reddit?
tl;dr: I'm blazed as fuck. Parents about to come home. What to do?
DatsStreetsAhead: Welcome them with a nice bowl, of course.
totoro27: a ceremonial burning
DatsStreetsAhead: You never said you wanted your parents to find out, OP.
totoro27: are you messing with me?
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1407541274 | 1408221058 | t3_2d10oz | t5_2to41 | 410 | qbecker: TIFU by having sex in a greyhound(NSFW)
This did not happen today, rather about a week ago. ANYWHO.. I ran into this girl at wal-mart a few weeks back, we used to ride the bus together in grade school, and she recognized me in the store, so I got her number. Her and I hit it off really quick, fireworks kinda shit. Shes 21 I'm 20. We were pretty quick to start having sex in this relationship. One night I decided that it would be pretty cool to eat a weed brownie that I bought from my local dispensary. I propose the idea and she is more than down. We eat the brownie and start to get high/trip all is going well. Fast forward a few hours to about 2:30 AM we are laying in her yard, staring at the sky. We start making out and its obvious that its going to go further, she suggests that we go into the old greyhound bus that her parents have parked in the yard from back in the day of them being in a band. we go in and commence sexy time. Next thing I know shes saying "Oh god someone is shining a light on us". I look up at the wall and see the light but to me it looks like someone is shining the light though canvas on a tent, so i tell her not to worry, that they can't see though it.. then it hits me, the fucking bus isn't make of canvas. I roll to the side to look forward, to realized that the bed is right behind the windshield and there is a cop with his flashlight shining in on my naked ass. We both freeze in fear and stare at him. He then knocks on the windshield and I shit you not he says "I'm not going away". She tells me to go talk to him. I wrap up in a blanket and go to the door where I'm greeted by the officer, I ask him "What the hell are you doing?" he tells me the neighbors called the police because they heard someone go in and that isn't usual. I tell him that its my girlfriends parents bus and we are just chillin. He asks to talk to her, and shes just a high wreck, crying, can hardly talk. The cops isn't buying our story so he goes to the house and knocks on the door. Both the girls parents come out and talk to the police. Her dad pops he head in the door to her and I naked wrapped in blankets, he starts laughing uncontrollably and promptly tells the cops to fuck off.. one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I thought forsure he would be mad that I was fucking his daughter in his bus.. but he's chill
TL;Dr
Cops saw penetration.
[deleted]: Her father laughed at his daughter naked and, as you described, a crying wreck?
Bullfuckingshit.
qbecker: He was laughing because the cops were harassing his daughter while she had sex. Not at his daughter. The next morning we all had a pretty good laugh about it over breakfast. They don't care we bone.
DrunkPython: A cool dad indeed. Unfortunately im messing with an asian from a strict asian background so if it happened to me.... well dont know if I would be typing this. Enjoy your gf awesome dad.
qbecker: I once fucked an asian girl whom only had one eye...she had a fake one though! I hope your asian is much more, whole..
Azrael_The_Bold: Did you ever yell "Shiver me timbers!" When you came?
qbecker: No, however I got the booty!
| 7 | 58.571429 |
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